The Joe Rogan Experience - #585 - John Heffron

Episode Date: December 9, 2014

John Heffron is a stand-up comedian and a past winner of "Last Comic Standing" on NBC.

Why can't that work? The computer was restarted and every time this computerarts, all the sound's fucked up on it. We will soon be free of this technological nightmare and into a new one, ladies and gentlemen. We got a TriCaster coming. We tried to order this Sony thing, but it didn't work for us. It just wasn't for streaming. It wasn't the right piece of equipment. So we're getting a TriCaster.

But John Heffron doesn't give a fuck getting a TriCaster. But John Heffron doesn't give a fuck about that, ladies and gentlemen. John Heffron. Sounds exciting. Last comic standing. Hilarious comedian. It's been a while.

It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been a while since I've seen you. First time I saw you at that... 2012. So we haven't seen each other

in two years. Yeah. Almost three. Yeah, yeah. Because I had to do that thing where you text. I'm like, I don't even know what... You know what I mean? And then, yeah. Because even because I had to do that thing where you text I'm like, I don't I don't even know what you know

I mean and then yeah, cuz even like all my famous friends I never put their names in my phone as their real names. Who am I I would probably I think probably don't tell me Yeah, yeah, so just just in case not that I'm like but just in case you'd like you lose your phone Like I was one of if really famous people who have famous friends, like Paris Hilton loses her phone all the time. Does she? And then do people hack into it and get Lindsay Lohan's number? It's kind of hard to hack into an iPhone unless it's connected to the cloud, right?

If they got a hold of it, it'd probably be pretty difficult to crack your passcode. They actually, I think, have programs that you just plug it in. Like taxi drivers, I think, do it and that turns off all the tracking and then they resell it immediately. Really? Yeah. Because I've had the cloud on my girlfriend's phone

and she left it in a car and in five minutes it was already disabled and never turned back on. Yeah, well, I bet you're right because the thing is they have a lot of places that buy cell phones now. Yeah. I don't know if they ask, like, hey, is this yours?

They just take it. I don't know, but I've seen places that buy cell phones. Have you ever sold an old cell phone? No, because I'm paranoid because I know you can just take anything off a phone. Like I could take your phone, even though you've deleted it and even reused it for six months, I could still take stuff off of there from like two years ago. I keep mine, but then I always think I'm going to do something with it.

Like I have every version of the iPad. I'm like, well, I'm just going to use this for my home security camera. Like, and you never, this iPad is only going to be for pre-show music. And then I leave it at a club and stuff. I used to try to do that too, but I felt like I used to bring an actual iPod. I was like, eh, I want to have an iPod by itself. I don't just want to have my phone. But now that's ridiculous because the new phones have 128 gigs.

Yeah. Come on. You're not going to use all that. If you do, you're an asshole. What's going on on your phone? You got movies on there? You got the whole world playing on your phone? Mm-hmm.

John Heffron. So, yeah. So it's been And somebody just tweeted too They asked Now I'm a little bit afraid Because I haven't seen you in so long And then you invited me to be on your podcast

People were worried on Twitterville That you were going to give me an intervention And tell me I should quit comedy I would never do that You're a hilarious stand-up comedian. Trust me, I think about that on my own. He's joking around about a conversation that we had with Brendan Shaw last night. That was intense.

It was intense. I still feel like shit. I feel like shit today. I felt like shit while we were doing it. There was Brendan lost. He got beat up and stopped by this guy. Uh, Travis Brown is one of the best in the world. And he wanted to talk about it on the air. You know, he wanted to talk about what we felt like on the air. And, and, you know, I asked him if you sure he was like, yeah, absolutely.

I want, I want to get it out there. I want to get it out there. I want to hear exactly what you really think. And I mean, I'm sure what he thought I would think and what I did think was different. You know, and then as we were talking, I kind of realized like this, like I feel like his perceptions of where he's at and the dangers of what has happened to him and the reality of where he's at and the dangers of what have happened to him were off. And some people feel like I should have done that conversation off the air. And I feel like I probably agree with you. You know, all things said and done. The only good thing about having it on the air is that other fighters can hear this and they can form, I want to say, educated opinion because I'm definitely not a doctor or a scientist or even smart, but I know a lot of information about chronic brain damage from seeing it,

from talking to people who have it, from talking to doctors who are experts on it, and to know that I don't see a lot of people that are at the front of the tunnel waving a light in MMA saying, hey, you know, you guys got to slow the fuck down. We don't know what's up here. And I think that that's the case with chronic brain damage. NFL is just dealing with now these players from the 70s and the 80s and the 90s and even the 2000s that are just fucked up now. Look at the Buckeye player that just committed suicide a couple of weeks ago. Look at him.uckeye player that just committed suicide a couple weeks ago. Look at him.

You know, look at, there's just a long list of players. I watched some guy get KO'd the other day. Oh my goodness. Somebody sent it to me on Twitter. It was a vine of these two football pairs colliding helmets. Did you see that one, Jamie?

You're a fucking football freak. Jamie probably won him his fantasy football street stakes. Oh, sure. Yeah, I was reading from somebody tweeted about it, and then I went to I don't even know what the website was, and then had tweets about why you were talking. And so I just read the tweets. Somebody was paraphrasing what you were saying and without even really knowing the story all i got out of it was you wanted him to just

be careful with with getting smacked in the head because that's not going to work out well it's not just that i wanted him to be careful i wanted him to consider ending it because i know he's going to end it he wanted to end it he was talking before this fight about like when he's going to get out um after the fight he talked about two years that he had a four fight two year idea you know and the reality of getting head trauma is that it's cumulative and that guys who get knocked out a few times it becomes easier for them to get knocked out again and the damage is all compounding you're waiting it's like buying a bunch of shit on credit you're waiting for the bill to come and you've you're driving around this nice car and you have this cool watch but the reality is you owe a fuck

load of money you're gonna have to work your dick off to pay that shit you're not thinking about that right now right well the chronic brain damage thing is a debt that you can never pay like you're putting damage on your brain that doesn't manifest itself immediately always it takes a while a lot of these players were fine when they retired and then you're seeing them like jim mcmahon you see that's the sports illustrator article on oh dude it's terrifying when i was a kid i didn't know shit about football but i know who jim mcmahon was he was a goddamn legendary quarterback. Him and the Bears and that whole, they did the Super Bowl shuffle.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody knew who those guys were. He's fucksville now. He will find himself in the middle of his house not knowing how he got there. He's just looking for his keys or looking for what he, he doesn't know what he was gonna do.

He forgets things all the time. I was talking to Brian Stan.s things all the time you know i was talking to brian stan we were text messaging back and forth today and he was talking about people that he knows um that got it from being soldiers you know from blasts and he's like it's horrible it's horrible like these guys they can't remember anything they have no energy they're depressed all the time it's not everybody and it's not i mean there's the thing about fighting is you never know when it's too late it's like some guys can get knocked out once and go on from that to have great careers some guys can get

knocked out a couple of times but they're still in their running they're just fighting beasts like perfect example that is michael bisping getsets knocked out by Dan Henderson, comes back, very successful. Gets knocked out by Vitor Belfort, comes back after that, beats the shit out of Kung Lee in one of the best fights of his career. You know, like, he's been KO'd a couple of times, but it's only because he's fighting the elite of the elite at the top of the level. And, you know, he's just smidging off. That's it. I mean, Michael Bisping is one of the best in the fucking world but I felt like with Schaub I was I was seeing that it was gonna happen more often right and I

fucking loved that dude he is a great guy I mean Brendan Schaub he's a really interesting character because he's this big hulking dude but he's a sweetheart he's like the nicest guy he jokes around about how he's like a a dolphin in a shark outfit like he looks like a shark on the outside but he's a dolphin on the inside he's hilarious he's really honest he's like really honest about everything except like his fighting ability i think his fighting ability or his position he's got a slightly elevated sense but that's why he's a bad motherfucker you have to have this sense that's almost distorted in order to be a fighter in the first place because when you first start out how could you imagine ever

getting to a championship level when you first start out and you're getting hit every time you move forward you're getting taken down every time someone wants you to it's it's weird you know it takes a long time so you have to have like almost this like crazed idea of yourself to be a fighter in the first place it's just extreme confidence and you know he's got that for sure and there's a lot of fighters to have that it's great when you're winning when you're winning, that extreme confidence is awesome because that extreme confidence gives you a boost over some other people who don't have that.

You might have a psychological boost. Maybe it's in training. Maybe it's in how confident you feel before the fight so you don't get as nervous as he does. There's all sorts of variables. But when you start losing, that's when that can be a motherfucker. Cause that thing doesn't want to see the truth. That ego is a tricky motherfucker because it can help you in a

lot of ways. It can push you to success, but it can also fuck you up where you're not seeing yourself the way you should. You can't like you, you don't see yourself in a, in a negative way. You can't. Like you don't see yourself in a negative way. You don't allow it in. So you don't look at the flaws. You don't look at, like especially true in martial arts, which is like a hypercritical. You have to be extremely self-critical to be a competitive martial artist because the stakes are so high. You're getting kicked in the face.

It's one of the worst stakes in all of sports. The possibility, just this guy, I'll say his name because I fucked it up during the broadcast. We were saying Salmon. It's Salmon. I believe that's the correct pronunciation. He won this weekend with this fucking destruction of the head kick. He switch head kick this dude in the face and boom the lights go out the guy went stiff it was like one of those classic like worst case scenario the worst thing that can happen to

you in the octagon it was just a beautiful technique they've just shuffled that front leg and boom shin to the head you know that is the stakes so you have to be so critical about your technique, about your conditioning, about your dedication, your psychological outlook on fighting, all those things. You have to keep those in a row. It's so fucking dangerous if you don't. And when you start, if you lose and you know, you start looking at yourself in a delusional way, it can hamper and you know you start looking at yourself in a delusional way it can hamper your ability to work on all those areas it can hit like anytime you have a delusional perspective an introspective outlook that's just not accurate you're not doing yourself a favor like you need someone else

to give you advice you know i'm saying like you not see yourself like you're not seeing like things that you can correct. And when you're in that state as a martial artist, it becomes very dangerous. And it's common to get to for fighters because being a fighter is extremely nerve-wracking. I am barely qualified to speak of it because I only did taekwondo tournaments and some kickboxing. But I just remember competing and being scared out of my fucking mind i was a kid you know 19 or 21 actually when i uh retired between 18 and 21 were all the really dangerous fights like national level fights but you you you experience these extreme fears

and extreme highs and extreme lows. Like when you win, it's the greatest feeling in the world for these guys. Like you see guys that win, like Johnny Hendricks when he won the title, drops down, he's just fucking, you see this rush of joy that goes through him that you and I are never going to experience.

Right, right. I never experienced that in a Taekwondo tournament because it didn't mean as much. Right. What these guys are doing is like this insane top of the mountain high. And so when you get to that top of the mountain high, the guys who have had those big wins, like Brendan's had some big wins, he knocked out Mirko Krokop, who's like a legendary kickboxer.

Mirko's legendary. I mean, he was like one of the best kickboxers ever to enter into the glory days of Pride. You know, like when Mirko... Mirko has like a head kick KO highlight reel that's like one of the greatest of all times. But if anything, the Mirko-Krokop fight should prove my point to Brendan.

Because if Mirko-Krokop and he fought back when Mirko- Krokop won the Pride Heavyweight Grand Prix, that would have been a completely fucking different fight. That was a different guy back then. It was just a different guy. And everybody knows it. He fought Gonzaga in the UFC. He fought

Eddie Sanchez first, beat him, and then he fought Gonzaga and he got Krokop'd. Essentially. He got head kicked by gonzaga who's a very strong guy gonzaga is like a he walks onto the um stage like when they have to weigh in gonzaga sounds different than everybody else sounds like he's made out of stone he's just big powerful fucking dude you know gonzaga is a beast gonzaga cranked one off the side of his head and from then on man he just wasn't the same guy i think those two fights like in the ufc he was never the same

his first two fights he had some good fights in the ufc but he was never the same as he was in pride you think a lot of fighters like stick it out longer than they should because there's there's no fallback there's like okay i'm a fighter i i don't i mean those guys have skills but like i don't have any like me as a comic if i ever decided i'm not gonna be a comic i have zero other skills there's almost nothing that that i know how to do yeah i even said dude when i was trying to like make an analogy i made a bad one i even said if i was a comedian you know and i was fucking terrible i would want everybody to tell me that i should stop if there's something that happened to me and i wasn't funny anymore but i was still going on stage i would want someone to come and tell me that's a terrible analogy okay i was just looking for something to say and i

after i said i was like that's not good obviously being a comedian doesn't cause you brain damage if you just suck at something, the difference between sucking at fighting, and I shouldn't even use the term sucking, being unsuccessful at fighting, and being unsuccessful at writing a book. If you write a book and it sucks, everybody goes, dude, your book sucks.

I did that. But it doesn't give you a concussion. And it doesn't give you concussions in training that you kind of try to ignore you know and time dudes land on your fucking head and training you know even in grappling guys collide heads all the time and these are all you know these are all points against your brain every one of them points against your brain every one of them points against your brain obviously comedy doesn't have that if you think i suck that's i'm i feel bad but but it doesn't hurt me you know right has he been losing

fights uh lately well he had a real bad fight with orlovsky um it was uh like it was real clumsy and just looked like both of them were just way out of sync and orlovsky was super nervous because it was his first fight back in the UFC. And then Orlovsky's subsequent performance, he fought Bigfoot Silva and looked fucking great. Knocked him out in the first round and looked smooth. It's like he got over his jitters for his second fight back because he had been out for eight years. Orlovsky was the UFC heavyweight champ at one point. It's just Brendan looked super obvious. He was telegraphing his shots i was

worried about him and i'm also worried about him because he before that he got knocked out by ben rothwell and then he beat um what's his name lavar johnson who's a beast lavar johnson's fucking scary he's a vicious puncher he beat lavar by taking him down and just holding him down that's basically how he won that fight and even even kind of said like, hey, I'm not standing with that fucking guy, which is very intelligent of him. It's a good win for him. Fought Matt Mitrione and caught him in a darts choke and put him to sleep, which is a big win. That was huge. What I worry about is not those fights. What I worry about is the fights where you get hit. Or Ben Rothwell hit him. Ben Rothwell hit him with one left hook and just shut the lights out and his body dropped and rothwell's on top of him dropping bombs you know and then he talked

about it on the podcast he was saying that he actually got hurt before that in training sparring with shane carwin shane carwin apparently hurt him really bad with a punch so you have to uh factor in how many times did he spar with shane car. You know, my mind starts going, hmm, you're probably sparring with Shane Carwin once a week at least. Shane Carwin is a motherfucker. You want to talk about a dude who's built for war? I've met a lot of, like, freak athletes in the UFC, like John Jones, a freak athlete. Daniel Cormier is a world-class wrestler. I met a lot of freaks, but, you know, if you, if you think about like elite level fighters and elite, elite level athletes,

you know, there's, there's so many of them that are so fucking good that it becomes you know it becomes a matter of whether or not you want to be the kind of guy who loses five or six fights in a row or whether or not you want to take those five or six fights back now you know what i mean yeah i wouldn't know i just think i think it's it's scary that you're concerned with a friend because you work in the business. And it's interesting to see where this new information, while it comes in, how dangerous it is, how you can sit there and even be friends with anybody. No, I can be friends with them, man, because you can take a certain amount of punches. You just got to know when to get out.

Your friend's got to know to let you you out what i was saying about freaks man shane carwin shane carwin has fists that i'm i'm not shitting you they look like see that marshall amp over there yeah that's like shane carwin's fist they're the most ridiculous thing i've ever seen in my life he had like four or five xl gloves like it was always a big thing that Brock Lesnar had these giant fists. Until he fought Carwin. Like Carwin actually had bigger fists than Lesnar. I mean, you're talking about things that don't even make sense. It's like his body structure is so odd.

He came into jiu-jitsu once. I was training at Amal Easton's place in Boulder, Colorado. It's the best jiu-jitsu in Colorado. And Amal has this beautiful gym where Boulder, Colorado. It's the best jiu-jitsu in Colorado. And Amal has this beautiful gym where everybody's rolling, we're in class, and this guy walks in, and I go, that's not even a fucking person. Like, what is that?

This guy's got like a pair of jeans on and like a t-shirt. It's probably like a double XL, but he's built like a fucking superhero. And I realize it's Carwin. You don't realize how fucking big Carwin is until you see him out with regular people in a normal circumstance. In normal clothes. Like everybody else is just walking around in their normal clothes.

And then this guy walks in that doesn't even look like he's a fucking human. I mean, just a gorilla. And that guy was sparring with Brendan on a regular basis Okay, he hits he knocked Gabriel Gonzaga dead with a punch from like seven eight inches away Just just just crank boom. I mean he was a destroyer and so Shane was getting in Sparring sessions on a regular basis with Brendan. So he's getting hit all the time. There's Shane Carwin's fists are on the right and Brock Lesnar's are on the left.

Jesus. Yeah, what is that? He's a goddamn gorilla. He's a goddamn shaved down white gorilla. I bet you he could hold that iPhone Plus. Yeah, that dude would have been a champion. You know, he had a few issues. One of them, like, back issues, one of them like back issues,

from all of his years of playing football. He had some serious stingers and discs issues and stuff like that. Those guys are just colliding into each other, big giant dudes that size colliding into each other. But if he just went straight to MMA, like wrestling and then MMA, I think that dude would have been a world champion. He was an athletic freak because he was so fucking strong. He was one of those dudes, like, you couldn't let him hit you.

If he hit you, he fought Frank Mir, and it was one of the most brutal beatdowns I have ever seen in all my years because the way he did it, he muscled Frank Mir up against the cage, got him in like a collar tie or maybe a tight overhook. I don't remember which one it was. And then he starts blasting him with left uppercuts. Just boom, boom. And you can see Mir stuck. I can't get out and can't take these shots.

And he just sprinted at him just sprinted at him with bombs and the mirror went down and he finished him off on the ground and that was a brutal brutal knockout so brendan was sparring with that guy on a regular basis so it's not just his fight i only got hit i got hit maybe twice in my life where like i thought i was done with like stars and that weird buzzing sound that happens one was uh i've told the story before danny bonaduce and then the other was uh stephan bonner this was years and years ago we were sparring for some reason or he was that why were you sparring with stephan bonner he was at i don don't remember the thing. We were at Krav Maga. He was there.

I think he was training for a movie or something. And some of the guys, the stunt guys were. So anyway, so we started sparring. And then he gets into the sparring. So I'm thinking, oh, he probably just wants to, and I don't know how to fight. So I'm kind of bouncing around. Next thing I know, I just heard ringing.

And whatever, he kicked me in the side of the head. Not like to try to, like, we were sparring. So he wasn't trying to. It wasn't full blast. Yeah, yeah. Whatever his 30% is, is my 150% with the 40-year-old's eye box. You know what I mean? So it was nothing to do with him.

But that was the first time and everything was ringing. And I'm like, oh, God. That was once. It's too many people. I couldn't imagine that over 12 years yeah and just not just those like football injuries too Brendan also played football I believe college and high school and you know he was a he was a fucking he still is a really good athlete and that's why he's become a good fighter but the difference between a good fighter I mean he's a very good fighter but the difference between that good fighter i mean he's a very good fighter

but the difference between that and the top of the heap guys there's a there's a leap there's a bridge that you have to cross could he cross that bridge physically you never i mean he's only 30 years old if he became like super dedicated and went to a very strict muay thai camp and learned like really wicked wicked stand up and didn't fight for but how do you feed yourself when you're doing that you know when you're a pro athlete that would be really if he did that though if he just stopped only training and competing for fights and i know he works on his skills as well but if he just completely dedicated himself to the scariest part which is the kickboxing that's the scariest shit yeah that's the shit that everybody should if you're if you're if you're coming into it with

nothing that's the shit you should almost concentrate on the most because it's the most dangerous if you don't have it good defensively like if you get submitted it's bad you know you can break your arm for sure you can get choked out but they can fix your fucking arm you get too many knees to the head from a guy like alistair over him you know you don't you don't want that you know the fighting is all about mitigating damage it's all about inflicting as much as is all about mitigating damage. It's all about inflicting as much as you can but mitigating as much as you can. And one of the best ways to mitigate damage is technical proficiency. And that's something that people don't think about.

They want to think about strength and conditioning. They want to think about running up hills. The most important thing is technical proficiency. It's the most important thing by far. And there's some guys that unfortunately for them they come into striking late in life like some guys come into striking and they have a background long background of wrestling and so they're they're not used to jumping forward and throwing combinations and footwork and drills and it's alien to them for whatever reason their body doesn't adapt to it you see a lot with white wrestlers sorry white, and it's alien to them. For whatever reason, their body doesn't adapt to it.

You see it a lot with white wrestlers. Sorry, white guys. But it's true. There's a lot of white wrestlers that, for whatever reason, they're just slow with their punches. There's some guys that excel, like Jake Ellenberger, obviously, Johnny Hendricks, obviously. Those guys started out as amateur wrestlers

but learned along the way to blast power punches. But some guys never do. There's guys like Ben Askren, who I think is one of the best 170 pounders in the world. He's a wicked wrestler. But his stand-up is just really to close the gap. It's just to close the gap, and then he gets in on you, and you're fucked. He's just too good. His wrestling is so much better than everybody else's.

When he gets in on you, it's fucksville. So his thing is all just about getting in on you but but the but starting out with a deficit in striking is the most dangerous because if you're one of those guys it doesn't have that fast twitch body like a Tyron Woodley body or Hector Lombard body but you start off as a grappler but you could pick up the striking really quickly if you don't have that kind of body and you don't have that kind of coaching and you know have that kind of uh training in the gym where they're you know going over technique with you with a fine-tooth comb it's a dangerous

aspect of fighting it's the most dangerous aspect it's the one thing that you don't want to suck at the one thing that you don't want to fail at is striking you know if you fail at wrestling and you're just getting taken down you know it's not good but it's uh a little bit better than getting fucking wheel kicked in the head i was good at striking my problem was is i stopped striking about five inches away from your face see that's not good yeah that's like a joke that has no punchlines so i could never figure out how to get like that, that was my thing. I'd always throw everything.

And you can literally just stick your face out, and I wouldn't hit you because I would never. I was afraid to always take that. You know, then I'm like, what am I doing? I don't need to be doing this. Well, we talked about it before. You know, when you were sparring in class, I was like, Heffron, like, you got to be careful. You told me that somebody would grab your foot. He threw a kick, they grabbed your foot, held onto it,

and knocked you out. Yep. And I was like, come on, man. You can't be doing that kind of sparring. Or I used to bring my boxing stuff on the road, and then I'd go to a boxing, I'd get a trainer for the day. This was back when I would wake up. But I would go and do that.

And then, sure enough, they'd always say do you feel like sparring keep in mind this was 10 years ago when i'm like yeah let's and then if they find out you're a comedian or whatever then they just want to kill you it's a better story for them to knock you off than to lightly spar just so people get their sweat on right yeah that's hilarious so so i stopped doing that some people are rude with that man They don't think it's a big deal to knock somebody the fuck out. That's so rude. It's like, you know, it's fucking, you could really damage someone's head. And I know that's the point of fighting.

And in a way, it makes me a hypocrite. I'm fully aware of that. Because I do enjoy fighting. I love watching it. I'm not going gonna not watch it i just i'm i'm a big fan of brandon as a human being and brandon shawb is a guy with options he could do other things brandon can he can go on and i only know him from your pod like i only know him from the podcast i didn't really even know him as a fighter. When he's a guest here, he was always super entertaining to me.

He is always. He's a funny dude. Yeah, yeah. He's a funny dude, and he's a really good dude. And I think a lot of people don't understand him because of some of the hype surrounding some of his fights. He would talk a lot of trash, like he talked a lot of trash in this fight. And people get mad at him for that, and they think he's that guy.

They get mad at him for maybe over-assessing his possibilities of being a champion. But he's a fucking great dude. He really is. He could do anything. The dedication that led him to go from football to MMA, he could go from MMA to having a super successful podcasting career, which is a real option now.

It's a real option. i mean yeah and it's only gonna get even better and better where's the fucking john heffron show you know what i had one for like a second you and reap had a show for me and reap had a show and then reap stopped doing it and then i stopped for a long time and then i started one called the state i'm in uh and i was like i'm gonna talk about what where i'm at physically and mentally. That'll be that way. I have a theme, you know, so I don't have to figure out. That's a good idea. And then, so I had like Martha Quinn on and I had, you know, I had.

Did you interview her after she got out of jail? Martha Quinn, the MTV VJ. Oh, I'm thinking of Martha Stewart. Sorry. No, so Martha, so it started off really, really good. And then I think it's been, I think I'm up to a month and a half and I haven't recorded one. I just don't know how to do it by myself.

Like how Bill Burr does his podcast with just him. That's, that's an art that I don't know. His new special is so good. It's really funny, man. It's so him. It's like the, in my opinion, like the best one as far as like capturing him doing like a regular set. He's so loose up there.

That's weird, too. I know I have three specials, and I'm going to get ready to shoot my fourth. I haven't done a special yet that I would go, yeah, that's how I am if you come and see me live. This last one was the closest for me. This last one's the closest. And you did it in Denver at the Downtown? The Comedy Works Downtown? Yeah, the little one. there's like 250 seats that's the best i've recorded two cds there it's the best yes it's the best it's one of the i mean there's no the best club in the country because there's

a few clubs like that like there's helium in portland you know there's uh there's helium in philly that's another one um the comedy works original room it's like one of the all-time great rooms there's a bunch of those yeah there's a bunch of them that fucking place in utah is really good man wise guys oh yeah oh my goodness utah salt lake city is filled with really fucking cool people that was weird like i figured we're gonna go to salt lake city everybody's gonna have their fucking pants pulled up to their rib cage it's gonna be very weird they're all gonna have those straight and we we met a few of them like when i got there i met some lady in the elevator and i was talking about it on stage because you could tell just by how friendly she was that she was a mormon

like she was either that or she was looking for dick and she wasn't looking for dick so she was a mormon she was like a mom and we got in the elevator with her and she wasn't looking for dick. So she was a Mormon. She was like a mom and we got in the elevator with her and she was just like, hello, where are you from? How's everybody? How are you today? There was this weird, like as far as cults go,

Mormons are some of the coolest motherfuckers. They don't fuck with people. They're generally pretty friendly. It's like a really good cult. Yeah, I met her like many many moons ago uh i met a stripper who was mormon whoa it was a whole thing oh my goodness like that's a mess and then she got kicked out of being mormon know what a club that i i worked at this past year that ever been to lexington lexington yes. It's off-Broadway. Lexington, Kentucky?

I used to do the improv there. Right, so this place, I believe it's off-Broadway. It's in a strip mall, but the club's been there forever. And it's one of those ones when you go and you see the headshots, but they're from dudes from the 80s. Right. Like Kip Adada. Yeah, Kip Adada.

You see all that. And then, so in the place this looked shitty, so in my brain I'm like, okay, let's give me one of those weeks. Every show, it took me until show two to figure out why the audiences were so badass. They don't serve food or nothing. So you're

taking out the element of people eating steak and mashed potatoes. That's terrible. That is really terrible for comedy. It was just a really fun, like you never would have thought, like great shows, nobody heckling or nothing.

I know it's nice for people because they can get like a dinner and a show in at the same time. It's good for them. Yeah. But like for the show itself, the overall performance, like sometimes you're looking down at the crowd

and they're literally looking sideways. Like everybody's looking sideways and they're eating meals and you're doing stand-ups. Like you're doing stand-up in a restaurant and that's fucking weird. Yeah, you are. I did whatever this past week.

I'm doing my stuff and I'm like, why did I lose half the room? And then you see two wait staff with pieces of cake, but they had like 20 pieces. So they're passing out cake to everybody. Oh, is it a birthday party or something? Yeah, like they got it. But if you're going to of cake, but they had like 20 pieces, so they're passing out cake to everybody. Oh, was it a birthday party or something? Yeah, but if you're going to eat cake, you're not going to pay attention. Anytime cake runs around

is usually when the focus goes onto the cake, no matter what. So it was kind of... That's the one benefit of doing a theater because you're doing a theater. They have a bar in the very back. You got to go through the doors to get to the bar, and there's no waitresses. Yeah, no checks, no waitresses. They have a bar in the very back. You've got to go through the doors to get to the bar,

and there's no waitresses. Yeah, no checks, no waitresses. Get your booze before the show. The show generally starts about 15 minutes late. Give everybody a chance to get back to their seat with their drinks, and then just sit down. Yeah. You know, there's something about comedy clubs, though, that's better.

The setup is better, the low ceiling. And the irony is the only way to make that setup work is you've got to make money in liquor. The only way to make money with liquor is you got to make money in liquor. The only way to make money with liquor is you got to have waitresses. So it's like to do a theater, you kind of, it's like, they're just very different. It probably depends on just what side you're on. Like I do four to five clubs a year, let's say.

I would love to just do some theaters. I would love to blow into a town, be there one night, shoot the wOD, take off the next day. You know what I mean? Yeah. You just reach an age or whatever when you go, how am I going to kill five days in Dayton, Ohio, then the following week, Toledo? Are you shitting on Dayton and Toledo? I love them both.

And that's the exact order that I think. Just like, what do you, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Well, that's one of the reasons why you should always, like, if you can, take a friend on the road with you to open for you. That's giant, man. It changes the whole game.

Take a friend with you, you're having a good time. You and him are just shooting the shit and laughing. You can go to the movies. You can do all kinds of shit. Get dinner together. Side note, I mentioned Kip Adada because I'm obsessed with him why he's obsessed okay i have to i have to watch what i say because here's what i'm obsessed with but

he like he's been he goes after internet trolls i guess from what i'm what i'm figuring out from all the youtube videos he puts out but he like says people's names and phone numbers and he just goes and he does this whole thing going you can come to my website and post something bad about me Joe Rogan well I will tell you don't use my name you call him a candy man yeah right

but he has like and he has one video where he's talking about somebody he pulls out a gun and he takes out all the bullets and then he kind of looks through the barrel why he's talking he's like yeah it's scary so that that's why i'm obsessed probably talking about that off the air fella all right sounds like somebody might be hanging from a thread comedians uh we tend to be fucked up you think it happens when we get older like we're talking about like more right like there's a lot of guys that

just the older they get or is it just trauma somehow we get head trauma well i think as the older people get you know they're more likely to go crazy anyway i mean right so your grandma and your grandpa weren't they weren't the sanest when they were ready to yeah to call it a life you know yeah my grandfather before he died died, it was sad. It was just like he was barely there, you know? People get real weird when they get old. Yeah, my grandma's, what, 91, 92, and you have to ask her the same questions.

And then she started asking what my mom was doing. My mom passed away. So then I had to have that conversation with her and then she got legitimately sad as if she just found out this information i'm like this just yeah this this sucks that's awful yeah when they get alzheimer's that's really spooky they really don't know where they are they'll wake up like in the middle of doing things and not be sure where they are and they don't know people that they've known for years getting old sucks a fat one dude all right you know luckily we'll be young forever to tie it into what i was saying about brendan is that all that

shit is coming worse if you're dealing with head trauma. All the shit that everybody else has to deal with is coming threefold. Hopefully not. Hopefully it gets out now and be all right. There's a video of Terry Norris. Somebody, we were talking about it on the podcast. Somebody put it up on the message board, I think it was, or Twitter, one of those. And I watched it again. Terry Norris.

Twitter one of those and I watched it again Terry Norris when I was a kid when I was like in my early 20s Terry more Norris was the welterweight champion I believe or 154 I'm gonna forget which weight but goddamn he was good whoa he had this fucking lethal left hook man and but he would get tagged a lot in fights he would he would fight guys and get hit. He'd get nailed. It happened a few times with him. He was just a blood and guts super warrior boxer. I think you're born with that, right? I don't know about that.

I was talking to... But my point is that now he can barely talk. He can barely form sentences. It's really hard to watch. And he wasn't that old when he retired. It wasn't like he was Bernard Hopkins fighting deep into his 40s. And then Bernard Hopkins, because of his skills, doesn't really get hit that much. So he's fine. He's 49 years old, and he's fine.

I was reading books lately. I'm trying to get like that I've read this book called on combat and it just basically talks about when you're in a combat situation with like guns and stuff like a lot of people get tunnel vision and then you get all and like how to work through that so you can not get paralyzed with fear yeah you know um and I just do not have that thing like you know what it comes from man a lot of it comes from overcoming difficult things you know it's like the idea that you just get it and then you have it like a lot of guys

that have it like especially like martial arts fighters you talk to them like they've gone through you know a decade of college wrestling and high school wrestling and you know they try it out for the Olympic team in wrestling. They're used to, like, high-pressure type situations. And they're used to being super uncomfortable. That's one of the big keys to success in athletics is you've got to be willing to be super uncomfortable. You know, like, you've got to get up and do training that you don't want to do.

You've got to work out when you're sore. And especially in MMA, you know, you're going to get hit while you're tired of getting hit. It's like there's a lot of factors going on. So these guys that can rise to the occasion, they've risen to the occasion a lot their whole life. You know what I mean? It's a normal state for them. So for a guy like you who hasn't had any, you know, amateur MMA fights or you're not

doing jujitsu class against black belts on a regular basis, you're not experiencing very difficult situations. So they tense you up. Right. They become alien. Jiu-jitsu is a perfect example. I've seen people go from being the type of people that were super super timid and like had self-confidence issues and then they started doing jujitsu and they got to like purple belt and brown belt level and now black belt level and when you meet these guys like i have a bunch of friends that are like they're they're not big

guys at all like they're they're very slight and very like you would never think this guy's a fucking killer right but their technique is so good and they've become that guy over the course of like a few of them, over the course of me knowing them. They've become this more confident person and it's just a matter of going through trials, like getting beat down and then recovering. Getting, you know, like getting dominated and then you figure out a way to survive.

Getting dominated and you figure out a way to turn it around a little bit. And then you slowly keep raising your level of ability, both physically and mentally, to deal with various scenarios and challenges that come up with different guys you spar with. I think even what we do as comics, like, that could happen because I got, you know, my shows when I go to them

are usually people who maybe know who I am, you know, or they're my type of crowd. But even whenever I saw you guys a couple of days ago at the comedy store, I was so in my head. Like I went on stage in the first like minute or two. I felt my voice having that crack, which, you know, I've done this for 20. My voice usually doesn't get, but it's because I never performed there.

The crowd that was there necessarily didn't want to hear, so I'm 44, here's some of the things I'm going through. You know what I mean? Because they were 20. So I had a moment of that. Then afterwards, when I was driving home, the show ended up going, but I'm like, I need to do that more.

Like throw myself in scenarios that are just, and just eat it. Yeah. You know? Yeah, absolutely. I need to like eat it so I can like, yeah. It's good. Well, that's one of the good things about a place

like the Comedy Store or any kind of show where you're practicing and there's like eight guys on it at night. You can take some big chances with material. You can, you could, I mean, that's like one of the best places to come up with a completely new bit. You have an idea in your car on the way over

and you go, you know what? There's only one way to try fuck it we're gonna just throw this out there and you know you sandwich it in between one good bit and then you slip this new one in there and you throw some water on it you see what you got when was the last time have you like when was the last time you like ate it mentally in your head maybe the audience like the audience sometimes doesn't know do you know what i mean right they think oh that was a great show. In your head, you're like, uh.

I have those all the time. If I fuck up one bit, I'm super hard on myself. I had one last month. I performed for Dale Earnhardt Jr. Oh. Right? And his race team. Whoa.

And it was like his birthday charity event, right? So 600 people. I get up there. Dale Earnhardt's sister introduces me. Get on stage. I ate it for no shit. At least seven minutes. Seven minutes of bulletproof stuff.

Stuff that's never been tried and true. Not even giggle laughs. Stared at me. I talked for at least five minutes of zero laughs and sweat busts out on my forehead and i'm like oh my this is i don't and for some reason at like minute six i did a joke and everybody started applauding and laughing and then for the rest of the show you know they were cool how weird but like, some of the people walk by and go, yeah, you were really funny.

You started off kind of slow. Like, that was the thing that still... And the guy who brought me this, the Heffern guy, no relation, he said that they had... What are the odds? Yeah, right? They said they had Reap,

Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Ingvall. Like, you know, at all the shows, like, they just had to listen to you and not maybe understand how you talk for the first six minutes. Oh. Twang and talking fast. Oh, you talk like a fucking northerner. Yeah, yeah. But, dude, I was sweating.

I'm like, I have not had this happen in, you know. I remember we went to, I think it was Dallas. No, Atlanta. It was Atlanta. One of the first times I did the punchline down there. And we did a radio station, and they were asking us all these NASCAR questions. And I was like, what? Like, why would you think I would know anything about NASCAR?

And then I realized, oh, everybody knows everything about NASCAR down there. And it's one of those things, like, when you find out about country music no you know you never heard of but they sold 50 million albums yeah there's a lot of those there's a lot that's a whole that south's a whole different culture man whole thing a whole different culture it's a complete different world like our world of you know you think like you know fill in the blank you know whatever band you like queens of the stone age and you know i heard the new iphones out they're fucking the new duck call came out they're all i can't believe it it's so realistic they're in their cars driving on the highway i mean it's just obviously i'm bullshitting but there's parts of atlanta that

are like that parts of georgia that are like that georgia is a fucking great country a great state great country atlanta ge, Georgia's a great city But Georgia's Georgia's an interesting place Because Like A lot of guys you wouldn't think of Were from Georgia

Like David Cross from Georgia Like really smart Right Sensitive, intelligent guy He's from Georgia You know R.E.M. Yeah

R.E.M. Atlanta's a different kind of city And that's where Billy Burr Taped his special His Netflix. That's where Billy Burr taped his special, his Netflix special, that's out right now. Please, please get this.

If you're going to get a comedy special, go get this. Get mine too if you want, but get his. It's fucking great. I'm a big Bill Burr fan. I love that he's out there. I love that he's always writing new I love that he's always writing new shit

and that he's just silly and fun. And his act is a silly, fun act. He does his bit. I don't want to give it away. I'm not going to say anything about the bit, but he does a bit about helicopters. That's all I'm going to say. It's so great.

It's so silly. It's fun, man. I really, really enjoyed the set. I just love him. He's just a good dude. He's like a genuine good dude. That's why I loved performing with you guys a couple days ago because you guys are who you are.

So then seeing you guys perform is different than when I'm on the road and there's some local feature. The local features, I'm not saying don't suck, but there's different conversations you have in the green room, and then the material is all kind of... So it's nice. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I went to headliner camp for like a day.

And I'm like, okay, thanks. That's why I like doing those Ice House shows, man. The other day at the Ice House, we had, ready for this? Chris D'Elia, Brian Callen, Bill Burr, Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian Edwards, and me. It was a motherfucker of a motherfucker lineup. Those guys were just murdering after murdering. And for a few bucks, too. Yeah, 15 bucks.

You think of what all of you cost individually on on your theaters or clubs yeah you know for the most part everybody you mentioned is you know a 20 plus ticket it's a sampler pack yeah yeah but for 15 those shows actually cost me money because i take all the money that i get from those shows i tip everybody. I pay all the comics. And usually either I make $100 or I break even. Yeah. I lose money every week. Yeah, but the place, first of all, the Ice House is a slice of heaven.

It's just one of the greatest buildings in the free world. It's amazing. Their club is magic. It's like that club in the comedy store, but the Ice House is magic in a whole different way because it's pasadena it's not hollywood so it doesn't have it's like full of itself vibes so people like a little bit more chill in pasadena it's the oldest comedy club in the country the owner couldn't be nicer i mean bob fisher is one of the nicest fucking people that's ever breathed air. He's just so sweet.

He's always like that. He's got a great, like always to everybody. You can walk up behind him. He doesn't know you're there. And he's talking to the manager or the wait staff. He's always smiling. He's just a sweetie, just a sweetheart of a guy. So like the staff there is awesome because of that, because of this like good vibe.

Like all the waiters are so cool like every time i go there i'm like super happy to give everybody hugs it's just it's it's a beautiful environment and because of that like doing shows there is like it's kind of special there's like something special about it i'm there wednesday night i love that fucking place we do i do wednesday night at 10 o'clock like other week, every two weeks, every three weeks, just to set it up, just to fuck around there and have some fun, and also just to get people to keep going to that spot. That spot's awesome. It's been some 1960-something. When was it, Brian?

It's been 53 years, I think it is. Something crazy like that. So 61 or something like that when it opened? I can't think of it. There's some really old-school school huge comedy albums recorded there too. Oh, I'm sure. I think I want to do my next special there. I'm committed.

I'm committed to doing specials in comedy clubs. I'm committed to that. That's a different thing, man. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Just because I think I might pay for this special all on my own. Oh, yeah? Yeah, film it in a comedy club. So that's just cheaper.

And it's just as, you know, just as good as walking around a theater. I mean, theaters are nice, too. I think it's better. I think it's better for filming. I, as a performer, would enjoy it better. I'd have a better show because it's what I normally do. Yeah.

If I performed in theaters all the time, then I would probably want to shoot a special. Although I have to say the Burr special, he filmed at the Tabernacle, which is the same place that I filmed my last special, the one before this one. And the Tabernacle is a great spot for doing stand-up. It's not too big. I think it's only like, I want to say like $1,300 or $1,500. It's not like Massey Hall, which is like $3,400. You get to that size theater.

Joey Diaz and I went to see Louis Black once. We were playing the next night. We were playing on Friday, and he was playing in the same theater on Thursday. And we sat in the crowd, and it made me realize there's certain shit that you can't hear the guy say because everybody's laughing. You've got to be really careful with subtle shit.

You've got to make sure you don't hear any laughter still when you're doing something subtle. So your timing kind of changes in those really big rooms. But the rush of the big room was like, wow. Yeah. I think that most I've ever done was, I think, 10,000. Some corporate event. It wasn't people showed up to see me I was a Sammy Hagar was on and Steve Miller. I was on Wow

You were the Sammy Hagar and Stephen. What does Steve Miller look like? Did you even recognize him? No, because the album was only the white horse like so by whole like, you know teenage years of listening I've never saw what he looked like He looked like a dad with a blazer and jeans and just went out there. That's the thing about Steve Miller. He is the least recognizable major rock star. He could rock around anywhere.

It seemed like he never tried to become famous. Are you going to out him on the podcast? That's Steve Miller? That's what he looks like now? Dude, he had some fucking jams. Jungle Love.

That was a great fucking song that whole album reminds me of just high school take the money and run yeah this is a story about billy joe we thought we we thought we were cool because we were listening to classic rock yeah that was technically so we're like oh we're into this stuff not this new edition you know what's really fucking weird man i went to high school in 1981 and in 1981 i started hanging out with these kids i just moved into town into uh newton upper falls and i started hanging out with my friend jimmy and jimmy and all of his friends were all uh from the other side of town they're all like the north part of newton and they were all like everyone

had doors t-shirts and they were all smoking weed and it was like they introduced me to all this music that i didn't even know existed but when i think about it now the shit was only 10 years old yeah like the almond brothers they were they were playing like some almond brothers or some doors that shit is from like 1969 1970 so at the time we're talking I went to high school in 81. That was my freshman year. What is it, 12, 13 years old? Fuck, nothing.

That's like some music from 2001. Yeah, yeah. That's contemporary. You know, like a song from 2002. You could still hear, like on a regular basis. That would be on a radio station that was 80s, 90s, and hits today. I smell sex and candy yeah you can hear that you could easily hear that someone could play that non-ironically on a regular radio

station they wouldn't be saying oh you remember this shit that would be a song that they would play but that sex and candy song came out in like like 99 or some shit yeah so think about that like that we wouldn't say yeah man that was the classics something fucking happened to time all right time is not what it used to be 10 years ago doesn't mean shit anymore but 10 years ago back then meant a lot when i was in high school and in 1981 a 1970 car was a motherfucker if you had a 1970 chevelle or a 1970 Barracuda, you had a fucking sweet car. Oh, you got a classic muscle car. It's only 10 years old.

What the fuck happened? Is that what happened? The acceleration? Technology, just information. We're going to the library every single second we look at our phone you know that's what's happening right that is what's happening

yeah I was talking I talk about music on stage and I was asking people you know people at the shows that are like 21 all of their music

has been digital their entire lives completely that's so crazy there's like never physically touched anything just that's not even a a process that they have in their head.

I asked five people last night if they knew who Sissy Spacek was, and no one knew. That's insane. If you haven't seen the original Carrie, you're doing yourself a massive disservice. That original Carrie was a masterpiece. Was that Brian De Palma? Was that who made that? God damn, that was a good movie. That was one of the best Stephen King adaptations.

And Sissy Spacek knocked it out of the fucking park with a lightsaber. Just like, dunk! I mean, she was so crazy in that movie. Like, her character was so... There was something about the ridiculousness of someone having telekinesis, but somehow or another, she sold it. Like, you bought it. You believed.

When she came out there with that fucking pig blood, spoiler alert, when she came out there and she had that pig blood, they dumped pig blood on her head, they played a trick on her to get her to think that she won the prom. They all voted for it just so they could dump blood on her head. And she just tore the fucking city apart with her brain. And you're like, get out of here with this stupid fucking movie. Like, that premise has been tried before.

And everybody goes, get the fuck out of here. But in that movie, it actually works. It's awesome. That's a great movie. Did you ever watch that show? It's now on Netflix. Cara Santa Maria is the one that turned me on to it, I believe. Black Mirror.

Black Mirror. Have you? Yes. Oh, my God. It's great. Just watch the first that turned me on to, I believe. Black Mirror. Black Mirror. Have you? Yes. Oh, my God. It's great. Just watch the first episode on Netflix and you'll be hooked. It's like Twilight Zone mixed with technology. Yeah.

And it's beautiful. And the first episode is one of my favorites. Yeah, it's really good. I don't know why that isn't on in America. Yeah. It's on BBC America, right? Yeah. That's how I think I got it off of, I think I got it off of DirecTV, like one of those

instant plays. You can do that? Right. It's on Netflix, too? It's on Netflix right now. Yeah, it's a good show. It's so amazing. Black Mirror?

Yeah. I think you might be right about technology making years seem quicker. Because we were watching an auction. One of those car auctions was on the TV show, The Green Room. Yeah. And it was a 2002 Camaro, and they rolled out this 2002 Camaro, and everybody's like, who fucking cares? Get that thing out of here.

Like, nobody wanted it. They were looking at this 2002 Camaro. It only has 17 miles. There's a reason for that. Why would I get a 2002 Camaro when you can get a 2014 and it's a fucking dope or a 1969 and it's dope it's weird because I also I get jealous of new cars not because they're new cars now it's because of the their GPS is and they're there yeah they're like their technology that's in it like I want that

car terrific I have a really nice expensive car, but it's an 06. So the technology, I can't even plug my phone into it. Well, if you like the car, you can always just get an aftermarket stereo. Those are so much better anyway. And the nav system, they have it updated. They now embed it so much. I'm looking at it right now to get the Apple CarPlay in my old Ford Edge. But they embed the sync

in like, so I will lose so much if I get a factory or I take out the factory. Like I'll get my oil change reports, my emergency GPS thing that kicks in if I'm in an accident.

Oh, all that's connected. All that's gone, yeah. Oh, that's annoying. Yeah. And then the, so the, you can't update the navigation system on those cars either

No, no, it's silly, right? It really pissed me off because with sync at least sync would update it within like the first year Like there'll be updates and there's a sink is the Ford. Yeah, but then they just product gave up on it And I was like, yeah, they just they stopped giving any updates and so my shits my shit doesn't even halfway work with my iPhone anymore. Yeah, I have an aftermarket stereo in the Porsche, and I can download new maps, and I can download updates. It'll tell me. It'll send me a signal, and then I can just download it through the Wi-Fi on my phone or the cellular connection on the phone. It's pretty slick.

Talk about all fast technology when you probably moved to los angeles you had a thomas guide yep they did yeah i'm surprised that they haven't really made a dock type thing where you just put in your like your ipad when you get in your car and it turns into like a car stereo and it hooks up immediately automatically and Bill Burr had a fucking Thomas guide as recently as 2008 those were the hardest he fucking showed up at my house and I go what is that he had a map book on his front seat he goes yeah I'm uh all this fucking technology I don't want it in my life I don't I don't need it I don't I don't need the GPS I don't need anybody knowing where I'm going did you hear they know

they're watching Woo you know they're watching you they know where your fucking car is you're cool with that you're cool with them knowing where your car is that last podcast

I asked if you're still using MapQuest he goes no I do it on the phone now yeah he finally gave up but he's got a phone that's like four years back yeah

he's the character man Thomas guys were like imagine telephone books with maps on each page but then to find your street remember you had to go left to the right and then you had to get a protractor and fun but you would all you do this all while you were driving yes by the way not like remember triptychs remember going on like vacations or road parents did you have like triple a triptychs where it's just like, all right, turn next page.

Yeah, that's right. I remember. Now, I did this college tour when I was like 20. We had to go around the country and we had a game show. It was called Crack Me Up. And you would have to pull a student. You would be a student. I'd have to seat you on a chair. And then I would have a minute to make you laugh.

Oh, I've seen something like that. And then I'd give you, if you didn't laugh, you got 25 bucks. If you laughed, you got a t-shirt so i did maybe 200 dates of this tour just in a van with two other comics um driving around the country but we had a big rand mcnally map and then you'd highlight it and then you would drive and when you got 50 miles outside of the city you would go to a pay phone and then call the the school just like it was such a like that was not that long ago no 15 you know i know that sounds archaic did you have then we got on the horse did you have a go-to move for for that show

oh my god dude it's uh yeah i had a couple characters because we had props how many seconds did you have to make them laugh? I don't remember. 30 seconds or a minute seems like a lot. Okay. It could have been. I don't remember. Are you comfortable telling us what you did?

Are you comfortable revealing your secrets? Okay, here's the one that we did. I would do this guy called Book Report Guy. Okay. Okay, so I put on a random funny hat. And then I was... And then so we'd have like one of the comics would go, now coming out. And then you would say the character's name. Kid given a book report on a book he didn't read. And I would just literally make up a book report and just.

So you would just wing it? Yeah. And then that, I don't, oh, you asked if people laughed. Dr. Kwame, here's the character. Now coming out Dr. Kwame here's the character now coming out Dr. Quam and we had a Japanese completely racist

Japanese head thing you went Japanese? Japanese because it was Dr. Quam and I put on a doctor's thing and then I would move my lips and the comic behind the wall would talk

so it wasn't ever synced up wow did it work? yeah no and and where it was scary is we would do all these colleges in like if we thought it was a like a predominantly black school we knew we were dead in the water like a lot of times we go because we're like three white guys one time i'll never

forget mccook nebraska we did a show the basketball team comes and sits on the front row one of the comics we are with is mixed half black half white he went after these guys

just kind of trying to make fun of them keep in mind this was 90s so like Def Jam was kind of in people's brain

that that's how comedy was was that type of so he went after this basketball team. So we do the show. We leave. We go to a local pool hall. While we're in there, seven of the basketball team come into the pool hall and surround us. And then they go to the other comic, Jason.

They're like, don't ever say something in front of, again, like that, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, these guys are going to fight. We're dead. We're completely dead. So I remember I was racking. We were playing nine ball. I was racking and then I grabbed the two.

You were ready to go to war? I thought we were going to be killed. I thought we were going to, so I'm like, here we go. So then they said, you better get out of town. You guys better leave. You're in a Western. You're in a Western. So, and here's how I would handle myself in a Western.

We ran back to the hotel as fast as we could, threw all of our clothes just into one bag, jumped in the car. But we're in McCook, Nebraska. It's all corn. So as we're driving, we would turn and you it's all corn so as we're driving we would turn and you'd see headlights coming and you're like okay they're following us this is where this is where we get shot well they told you to leave if they were gonna do something to you they wouldn't

have told you to leave they would say stay right here that's true and then they would have just killed they would just beat your ass the only reason why they would say you better get out of town is if they knew that you were driving a long way and they could overtake you along the way, push you into a ditch. And then their cousin, who's the cop, would stall on the way over there and avoid some of the evidence. You have to think about that. We dodged the bullet. There was some statistics somebody put up about how many people get killed by cops and in what places. Like Albuquerque.

by cops and in what places like Albuquerque apparently Albuquerque New Mexico is just like one of the most violent places for like police and civilians like cops in Albuquerque they've killed a gang of people like the number like everyone is going crazy in Berkeley have you guys been paying attention to this they're stopping the highway like every night like these kids are just blocking traffic on the highway, and they're getting arrested, and they're live tweeting while they're getting arrested. And part of me is like, look, at the very least, they're making a big fucking deal, right?

There's, like, a lot of eyes on this. They're stopping the highway every night. There's all these kids. They're wandering through the street with signs. Like, they're fucking active. They're active. They're making people think and is it possible now i'm not in favor of shutting down the highway because if

you do shut down the highway there's some people that might be on the way to the hospital they might have some heart attack and you lose your grandpa because some kids thought it'd be cute to support right you know support the ferguson trial in the middle of the berkeley highway but is it possible that just knowing that there's that much of a reaction, that people freak out that much over some shit that happened in Missouri, that it might make them second guess before they pull the trigger? I say it probably does. Yeah.

Especially now. It probably does, right? All the shit that you're seeing on the news on a daily basis, every time something happens, people get in trouble. Every time. Look at Hollywood and Highland, though, the other day. I can't believe that guy got shot right in the middle of every, you know, the center of Hollywood, in front of everybody, and he only had a knife? What happened with that?

What is the official story? Do you know? It's still being investigated. Do you know? It's still being investigated. Because I've heard all sorts of ridiculous conspiracy theories involving costumes and that he was one of those players that pretends to be. Cosplay? Yeah, well, there was a kid who was a cosplay kid who got shot with a samurai sword.

Did you see that? No. Yeah, some kid had a fucking samurai sword. He was walking around pretending to be a samurai, and the cops fucking started shooting at him, killed him. And I don't think he threatened anybody. Do you you think because it's all on the news now are cops like was there a generation of cops that got really shitty training that like shoot people first and then or do you think it's always gone at the same numbers we have now it's just we've reached an age and with news and now i think it's more that

but so it's probably been all consistent yeah i think so i think if anything it's probably less now than ever because some places are starting to implement body cameras on the cops which should be mandatory that's it's a crazy role the role of having ultimate power over another civilian you know another another fellow citizen. That's a crazy role. And that kind of power, we've talked about this before, but if you haven't heard this, Google the Stanford prison experiment. Yeah, yeah. And it's all about how they had these kids and one group of kids would play security

guards, the other group of kids would be the prisoners. And they fucking, it went bad quick. People are gross like you can't you can't give that people that kind of power like power like to shoot and kill other people it's just too weird people's default setting is pretty shitty but we just have just enough we change the stuff a little you also have to think that if you're dealing with a cop okay a cop is experiencing violence and murder and theft and robbery and crime on a rate that the average person will never yeah no you'll never know what it's like to be someone who every single night is just going to war every single night you're dealing with bodies and people that have been

shot and people that have you know fill in the blank everything rape and murder and child abuse and you're just constantly seeing horrible horrible things so when something happens like a lot of these guys they're so ptsd'd out there they have just fucking trigger finger they almost can't control they're they're experiencing like lifetimes of trauma in a year i mean yeah if you're a cop and you're in a bad neighborhood you're experiencing a lot of fucking shit and it affects people in different ways and uh i think it's just an unbelievably hard job to do yeah yeah it's an unbelievably hard job to do and still they get killed too man you know that's another thing you

have to take into consideration i think 53 people 50 how many cops a year get killed i was reading the statistics i don't want to i want to botch it we just found um like my grandpa i guess i've never met him he was a cop in detroit and was shot. And somehow we came across the ticket book that was in his pocket. And there's a bullet hole going right through the parking ticket and the ticket book. Yeah. Jesus Christ. It's kind of intense. Wow.

It's kind of a weird artifact to locate, though. 150 deaths per year. That's what it is. 150 cops per year get killed. I don't know how many, do you know? I don't know. many do you know um i don't know that's a good question okay 900 000 900 000 sworn law enforcement operators officers whatever did you call them man that's a lot you know 150 of them get killed a year a lot a lot of fucking people they kill a lot of fucking

people a year too okay how many people do cops kill let's guess that how many people the cops a lot of them bad guys let's just we're not this isn't a judgment thing we're just trying to find a number how many people do cops kill every year uh do you want to guess right uh so 150 cops a year. 100,000. 400. Seems like 400 per year. 400? I was going to say almost triple. There's a couple different sites that say it's 400 per year.

So it seems like... It seems low. Does it? Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess half of them are still like... Oh, wait a minute. Hold on a second. This says local police involved in 400 killings per year. What the fuck?

Just per city? This is Washington, D.C. Oh, my God. Okay, nearly two times a week in the United States, a white police officer killed a black person during a seven-year period ending in 2012. Whoa. That's fucking crazy. that's a crazy statistic two times a week

for seven years a white officer killed a black person like at what point in time do we have to say like there might be a little bit of a problem like at the what how high do the numbers have to get with crime and police and police shootings and how high do the numbers have to get with crime and police and police shootings and how how high the numbers have to get before people go what the fuck is going on here like how how many black people are getting shot by white cops how many black people are committing crimes how many white cops are looking to shoot black people like what are the answers like if you got like if you were the people that were in charge of like overseeing the police department i don't know if they ask these questions but that would be like the first thing that i would want to address publicly if that fucking statistic you know

people started talking about that more often twice a week twice a week a white guy's killing a black guy yeah that's that seems like a lot i mean i don't want to laugh talking about that but that seems like a ridiculous amount like that's a good argument anybody says that like you know that there's not at least the potential for racism like how could you not look at that i think that number right there seems low i think just in los angeles twice two two cops probably shoot a black guy i don't know about that well they're talking about killing 18 of the blacks killed during those seven years were under the age of 21 wow compared to 18 or 8.7 of the whites man you know they're and it's it's a it's a double problem see this is the thing everybody wants to blame one side but there's it's a this is a

double problem it's not simply a problem with the police officers killing the black kids. It's definitely that. But it's also crime-ridden neighborhoods, how to stop the momentum of crime-ridden neighborhoods and kids that are coming out of those crime-ridden neighborhoods that commit crimes. How do you stop that? I don't believe it's the children's fault. I don't think it's the fault of a 16 year old kid that grows up in an unbelievably harsh environment and becomes a criminal.

I don't think it's his fault. I think he's an unfortunate victim of a terrible situation. I think nationally we have to figure out what the fuck is causing that. And if there's anything that they can do to mitigate that in some sort of way, it's just, it's a waste of resources and life. You're asking people to grow up in an environment that's so likely going to fuck them up for life. Yeah, yeah. Or you have to do whatever the environment asks or you're dead.

Yeah, exactly. So it's not a survival. You're like, okay. Gangs and shit like that. I don't really feel like doing this, you know i got zero no doubt man no doubt it's not and everybody goes well you got a choice you should fuck off man if you live that guy's life then maybe you could judge but you really don't know you don't know unless you live there and i'm just guessing i'm just totally guessing yeah you know i just think the whole thing uh ultimately it's a wake-up call for america

i think there's a lot of people that are pretty fucking tired of the way things have been going in this country you saw the the video that the boy like boy kid with the pellet gun what did you know my friend justin told me that that guy was fired from another police force and they they picked him up because he had already gone through all of his training, and they picked him up in this force. But they had already decided this guy might be mentally unhung. Two seconds. Did you see it, Brian?

No, I don't. I saw it, but I didn't. Don't pull it up, Jamie. I don't want to watch it. I saw it, but I didn't want to watch it. I didn't watch it. I didn't watch it. I just read it.

The two seconds in. I think the cops start shooting him as the car's moving still. Yeah. I don't get it, man. I don't watch it. I just read it. Two seconds in. I think the cops start shooting them as the car's moving still. Yeah. I don't get it, man. I don't get it. And then I read, you read the comments, and it's always like, well, if you don't want to be shot by the cops, then don't do stuff. Somebody was kind of bagging on the little kid.

But as a kid, I remember running around with guns. Yeah. Like cap guns and playing war. We'd go, let's play war in the woods. Of course. He's 12. Of course. I definitely would have done the exact same thing.

And if I was in that situation and I was black and I was doing the exact same thing, I might have got shot. They said he was scaring people and pointing the gun at them. Yeah, he's probably a disturbed little kid growing up in a fucked up place. You know, it doesn't mean he has to get shot. We were like the last generation to actually have realistic army guns for sale at Toys R Us at a point like in the 80s we had guns that looked like real Uzi's I remember those people would rob banks with those yeah yeah yeah no orange thing you know that I think I was like in the 90s or something yeah but you could always cut that out yeah yeah

I know a dude with a drill. Bore that fucker out, make it look real. We had a game. I lived in a subdivision, probably had like 40, 50 kids, deep, different ages. I created this game called Tag. It was from a movie called The Assassination Game. And we had profiles. We had everyone's high school or whatever grade we were in.

Your school pictures. And then I'd write, Brian's home. Here's what Bussy wrote. Here's his address. And then you'd pass out those profiles. And then you'd have to kill the guy that whoever you got. And I remember John Doering come in my house, knocked on the door. And my mom says

somebody's there open it it's doering he pulled out a gun you know like uh one of those ones that shot the suction cups remember the plastic with the pulled out black gun pointed right at my head shot me right in the face with it my mom was standing right there didn't you know just like oh my son just got shot you know know? But it was a toy. Yeah, we're all walking around with guns knocking on people's doors pointing gun like

and still. And you were doing it with all friends though. Like you knew the dude, right? Some of the guys like if you got the profile you didn't know him well. And you just have to

show up to him and shoot him but they were all playing the game. Yeah, yeah. So they expected it. Yeah, it was all like mob hits and stuff. That sounds fun.

As long as someone's not genuinely mad. Like, you know, someone like maybe liked a girl, but the other guy wound up with her. I remember the only rule we had was you couldn't shoot somebody on the way to school. Like, that was our big thing. Just because, and I even bought, we had these Spider-Man things you'd put around your wrist and you could shoot the rubber things through the Spider-Man things you'd put around your wrist and you could shoot the rubber things through the Spider-Man. I wore that to school just in case somebody wanted to get shitty with me after school on the bus. What? What did it do though? It was an actual weapon? Yeah, you would push like where the spider web

would come out and it would shoot the rubber. You know what bullets I'm talking about, those rubber suction cup guns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it would shoot one of those so I could point. So I had one shot. like a derringer why do you have that up uh i was going to show you what he was talking about they actually do a thing called street wars where it's a whole city 30 days 24 7 water gun assassination oh that's hilarious that's a great idea that would be a fun thing again as long as like you're doing it with cool people that aren't going to actually kill you i remember making the profile. I would take your picture and then I would

with stencil or whatever home office stuff we had, I would make a little profile. I remember my dad going, I wish you'd spend more time on your homework. I was obsessed with this game. Yeah, but your dad was incorrect because you gravitated towards fun and now you're a

successful stand-up comedian. Your dad was totally incorrect. Parents are often incorrect, man. You've got to get out of your fucking kid's way sometimes. But then the other thing is, I bet by not encouraging you to do stand-up comedy, you're probably like, by saying, you've got to get your shit together. Why you spend all this time playing this stupid fucking game?

You should be doing your homework. But by doing that, they put a little pressure on you and it makes you like yeah i'll show you dude you know like some kids don't have that yeah i'll show you because their parents are always like super supportive yeah so if shit goes wrong they don't know what the fuck to do my parents didn't know my i did stand up for like five years really never even told them and then somebody saw me like at an open mic and asked my dad and then my dad goes,

are you doing stand-up comedy? And it was weird. Like I was probably, my dad was probably whatever the math is, my age now than I was back then. So just like,

you know, imagine like you and then you're a kid. Like it's, so you think your dad was unhip and cool and wouldn't want to be, but. There's a major advantage to raising kids when you get older.

You have your shit together at least a little bit better. When you're 20 or 21, I can imagine raising a kid at 21. I was 16. Yeah, there's a lot of people that do it. My wife was. 16, 17. My wife was 19 when she had her daughter. God damn, man man that's crazy

it's just what a unbelievable responsibility when you're barely and she's in the service she was in the military and having a kid you know it's crazy you're barely an adult barely i mean is it an 18 year old or an adult technically yeah but we all know 18 year olds they're like children yeah you know they're children that know a little bit more than the average child they're just experiencing life and they're still trying to figure i mean when i was 18 i was a fucking moron i was a moron last week yeah yeah yeah i was a moron a couple hours ago you know like when you're 18 god you're fucking super duper moron but our 18 was way dumber than today's 18 oh yeah no doubt. No doubt about that. Like a million times. No doubt about that.

You think we were dumber? Oh, hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Just because we didn't have access to as much knowledge. They were just like super fucking experienced, the kids of today. They're super experienced in like, not just like physical experiences,

but experiences like understanding like all sorts of different points of view and different information, different sides of things. They're more informed. They're just more, their brains are working at a higher level. I really believe that.

I've talked to some 20-year-olds, and I feel like I'm talking to a young adult, whereas when I was 20 and I would talk to other 20-year-olds, I was talking to morons, other fellow morons who we would give each other moron advice and tell each other moron facts that weren't real at all. You know, that was back then. I mean, it's so nice to live like now if you have a random trivia question or you're like, how many cops were, you know, shot somebody? You have access to that.

But like back in the day, guys at bars would have to debate it. Nobody knew the answer to anything. You would just have to... It's really interesting if you play video games nowadays because you're matched up with kids all the time. So you're online talking to other adults, and then you have this two-year-old that's in there. They're like, hey, guys, I'm ready. People are having full-on conversations with these kids it's so weird they're they don't seem like kids anymore yeah i gave up playing yeah there's um there's just a

new reality man there's a new reality that we're experiencing i had this guy on last yes last yesterday he's a futurist and he's just uh you know just kind of a guy who's invested in the idea of transhumanism and all this advancement of technology but he was talking about how in 20 years we may not even talk to each other anymore everything might be done through like mind interfaces that work like the internet like this uh this device that they recently tested they were able to transmit thoughts through the internet over like 500 miles or something crazy like that, like a very far distance. And you wear this thing and like you think, like say if you think of hello, you think hello, like you keep saying like hello, hello, and it reads what your brain is doing when it says hello. And so then it recreates that.

So the person on the other end on the internet has this helmet on and they hear in their head hello. And you're not saying anything. Like you're not using your mouth. You're using your fucking brain. And you're sending a word through your brain to someone else's brain through the internet. And it's really crude right now.

Yeah, I wonder if there's autocorrect for that like you think something and it like switches What I just got like a deep like Chicago accent or something Yeah, that's what I meant Shuckish can't what the fuck did you say? I was thinking technology to even drive and I had a meeting today that was just like I thought I wish I just hologram it like at this point the meeting right yeah but that'll probably be in our lifetime like I've seen technology before um of like Cisco was doing have you seen Magic Leap have you seen Tupac have you seen Magic Leap no Magic Le seen Tupac? Have you seen Magic Leap? No. Magic Leap is the new shit.

It's this ridiculous technology. There's a video that they show online where a guy has his hands out, and there's a little baby elephant that is 100% realistic, and it's dancing in his hand. It's like some new hologram technology. They're just releasing part of this. Who knows? It might be a hoax.

It might be fake. The whole thing might be like pumping up some fucking new movie that's coming out i actually think i actually think that this photo that you know or this video i think this was just made to like this is what it should be like right but i don't think seems like it they don't they don't explain enough but watch this because it's so bizarre dude this this guy has his hands out and as his hands are out this elephant starts dancing around in his hands out and as his hands are out this elephant starts dancing around in his hands yeah we're gonna get the kid to pull up the video part

of it yeah we'll just show it to you over here it's really crazy to watch and there's another one where there's a little girl like look at this he opens his hands up and look at this elephant dancing around inside of his hands i mean come on son the fuck is that the thing is making shadows how is it making shadows like what is that find it dude find out if that is yeah you know it was the 70s we'd be at a bar and we debate it for yeah why don't you Google Jamie Google whether or not that's real. They don't know. That's what I'm saying. They don't know. No one knows? No. Some new technology. Some new technology. All right.

We'll figure it out. This motherfucker. It's good. Like five years from now, we're going to be looking back at that, and it's going to be something silly. Remember, we thought that was a real thing. But what they're doing with this voice technology thing, if that really comes true and you really can communicate through words in

each other's minds without talking and then there's no more spoken language and then there's like a universal language that everybody adopts this is the idea that you're going to wear these fucking headset things and you're going to go into a virtual reality so you'll have this headset thing on then you'll have like an oculus rift on and you will like be in a meeting with these people and you know they can have avatars that represent who they are like you can go into this 3d virtual reality with this headset on and see people and you don't even realize they're fake until you try to touch them like they could have couches set up they could have a room set up where you could have like a 3d meeting. And everything looks exactly the same on both sides as far as like the furniture.

So the person could come in, sit down, talk, hang out with you. And you literally will feel like you are in the room with them. You won't know you're not until you try to touch them. And it's going to be like the Matrix where everything is just going to be gray and dingy. But in your virtual world, it's going to be the life. That seemed so silly. That is going to be the life. That seemed so silly. That's going to happen, right? Well, it will definitely happen

if we ruin the environment. If we ruin the environment and it seems like we're kind of on that path. There's a lot of concern about the environment now. There's a lot of people that are making all these big efforts. No generation is going to get good at saving the environment. Well, actually, that's not true because Norway has like zero garbage now.

I believe it's Norway. They figured out how to completely recycle all of their trash. So they have like, I think it's Norway. Let me find out. Norway has zero waste. I have to figure this out. Yeah, right? It was years ago.

Yeah. I think they use all of it. I believe it's Norway. Yeah, I think they use all of it. I believe it's Norway. Yeah, Sweden. Sweden runs out of garbage. 99% It's Sweden. It's not Norway.

I'm going to Stockholm. I'm there in January. Ooh. Very excited. 99% of Sweden's garbage is now recycled. That's fucking incredible. That's incredible. I mean, that is like almost zero trash. 1% trash. That's incredible. I mean, that is like almost zero trash.

1% trash. It's amazing. I saw something on water. I think it was a documentary about Los Angeles or California running out of water. And they had some plant that had sewage, like literally it was sewage water. And an hour and a half later,

it was as clean as bottled water drinking they have that drinking straw where you can just drink and it filters anything and they have like a guy like a video of a guy like drinking straight pee out of it filtering it how dare he have you seen the mature and candidate the movie yeah yeah the new one or the original one i think i've seen both yeah that's an interesting movie about how they had implants put in in war and how they can control them and yeah i think i fell asleep during the new one for some reason i was probably tired when i was watching it but the first one was pretty interesting the idea is pretty interesting

that's like an an idea that always gets bandied about in conspiracy theory circles like they believe that someone could be a Manchurian candidate and like the guy who took out Martin Luther King didn't even know what he was doing you know like that kind of shit yeah Jack Ruby technology uh this is a cool start my brother-in-law was it was blown up in Afghanistan he blew off so so his quad got blown off right yeah so is that your top muscle of your leg yeah i'm kind of dumb about this yeah so the the quad got blown off so he's been in a wheelchair for four years so far this is when it happened right um gained a bunch of weight and then they created this almost iron man bionic leg that he can put around his leg.

And then there's like a computer where your knee would be. And it moves like his legs 100% paralyzed. And this bionic leg moves his leg for him. And then it also has a fall feature where it senses if he's going to fall. Then it locks up. So it acts like a kickstand. And then he was talking about they're doing stuff. Like you were saying where you could have thoughts and eventually control it to say,

move forward or kick hard. Like you can start to give it more now, which is kind of like, you know, stabilizes them. So we can stand up and he, you know, he walks with that.

But I mean, he got to like walk and hold his wife's hand for the first time in four years. Like, standing, because he's a big dude. And that's the biggest thing is he just hates being in a wheelchair, like, going out. Because he's always talking to people, like, looking up. And he's used to being a big. But that technology is pretty badass. It's getting better all the time.

We talked about that on the show yesterday, that there's now a soft exoskeleton suit. It used to be like they had these big, hard exoskeletons with metal pipes or rods down the sides of it and joints and hinges. The new ones are way sleek. They almost look just like pants. Those are the things that make you lift way stronger. They make you stronger stronger you can you can do things you can go longer you can go up hills like for soldiers they're gonna enable soldiers to carry much larger packs and they're gonna be able to walk for much longer like because it's gonna barely take any effort they'll be like 50 effort yeah pretty crazy right right yeah yeah i mean, there's just an endless amount of super smart people out there that are constantly coming up with new inventions that we're just like, every now and then one pops up on your Google News feed and you're like, what the fuck, man?

It's like, it's constant. It's every day there's some new thing. Every day there's some new breakthrough new technology new discovery that now they're saying there was uh something that i tweeted today they're saying there might the big bang might have caused a parallel universe where time moves backwards so we might have a mirror universe like this universe is going this way but there's another universe that's going on exactly taking his sat hating it no the hating it. No, the opposite. It's like the fucking Earth has ended, and it's like slowly forming back to the Big Bang.

Oh, okay. So who knows what time it is in this other one if it's backwards. I mean, who knows where we are in the life of the universe. We know that we're like 14.7 billion years. So if we're 14 or whatever the hell it is, if the universe is 14 billion years old, that this other one is 14 billion years in the total opposite direction. So right when we die,

we get reborn in the new world and we never die. I don't know. Maybe, right? Maybe just you go, I mean, we assume that this is how time goes, that you do this and you do that and you move forward

and you close your laptop and you get in your car and you say say goodbye but it's only because that's how we've always lived like the idea of everything going backwards is incomprehensible but if everything can go forwards why can't it go backwards i mean who's to say that things can't go back to their source who's to say that like you can't like start off in some sort of a neutral position and have everything instantaneously be you when you're 90 and then slowly go Benjamin Button style back to when you're zero again and crawling your mom's pussy? I mean, why not? If you can come out of a person's pussy, that's just as ridiculous as you going back in it and reentering the hive of the universe. back in it and reentering the hive of the universe. It's just as bizarre to come out of a pussy than it is for you to become an old man and then a child.

Then you have this other organism that you recognize as your mother that's going to take you into its body and it's going to absorb your soul and then you pass into the next dimension. Then you're born on Earth in our timeline. And start over. You start all over again. That'd be so weird. In our timeline. Start over.

Start all over again. That'd be so weird. Would you be happy if you knew you were going to live your life as John Heffron over and over and over again? Would you be willing to do this again? If you knew that life really is like some kind of a bizarre video game where you're going to play the same character ad nauseum to the end of time until you get it right. Yeah, right. So it is like a video game. If you don't make it past level one,

then you go back and you eventually... I would love that. If there's a way you could talk to your future or your past selves to let you know... What would you want to know? I don't know. Sometimes I think that's what deja vu meant. If you're having deja vu,

it's because you've done this a billion times. I don't think they... I think that's what deja vu meant. Like if you're having deja vu, it's because you've done this a billion times. I think they have a scientific explanation for deja vu. I forgot what it is. Something about your eyes. It's like a half second taking in the info. Why are we guessing? It's a backfire in your brain. Why are we guessing?

Explanation for deja vu. I know. We're fucking idiots. It's because we're old. Cut to us at 70 at a bar. Hey, what I heard. Deja vu. Your watch is going to go idiots. It's because we're old. Cut to us at 70 at a bar. Hey, what I heard. Deja vu. Your watch is going to go, that's not what it is.

Stupid. No, Brian. How stuff works. What is deja vu? Here we go. The term deja vu, it's French, and it means literally already seen. Those who have experienced the feeling feeling describe it as an overwhelming sense of familiarity that's what we all feel right right okay let's see what the reason is the

phenomenon is rather complex there are many different theories okay so no one really knows swiss scholar arthur this guy's name ready for this swiss scholar arthur funkhouser that's his fucking name he's my new favorite person yeah arthur funkhouser oh that would be the greatest character in a movie ever arthur funkhouser or classic rock dj arthur funkhouser is gonna tell you about deja vu how crazy is that get him on your podcast is he still alive he says i have that guy on i know he lives in switzerland maybe i can yeah find him when i'm over there uh he asserts that in order to better study the phenomenon the nuances between the experiences need to be noted the examples mentioned above funk hauser would describe the first instance so there's a bunch of... Okay. They believe there are several different

deja experiences. There's deja visite, which means already visited. There's deja vécu, V-E-C-U, I don't know if I'm saying it right, already experienced or lived through.

As much as 70% of the population reports having experienced some form of deja vu. A higher number of incidents occur in people 15 to 25 years of age. Huh. That's bizarre.

It's been firmly associated with temporal lobe epilepsy. Reportedly, deja vu can occur just prior to a temporal lobe seizure. So it doesn't mean that it's exclusively connected to temporal lobe epilepsy, but that it's connected to, I mean, with some people who have temporal lobe epilepsy, they experience deja vu. Not necessarily the other way.

Just because you have deja vu doesn't mean, I think that's what they're saying. Well, what the fuck, dude? So they don't really know. It's not as romantic when people go, I just feel like we've been here before together It's instead and I go ahead just kind of feels like a temporal. I think our software is just bugged I always associate it with with

with simulation theory like The idea first of all just the idea that you could have dreams like uh the idea first of all just the idea that you could have dreams you know you can have dreams like i wrote about this dream on my instagram because uh i was in vegas and i passed by this thing and they had this wall this hotel and they would write down famous quotes every day on the wall and one of them said if you can dream it you can do it well i went to sleep and i took four alpha brain that day and i went to sleep and i I had this dream, this sex dream with mermaids. So I put it on my Instagram. I had a dream that I could breathe underwater and I dove into the ocean and found a civilization of beautiful mermaids.

They all sang glorious songs and surrounded me with loving hugs. One of them reached into my pants and started jerking me off. Under the sea. me with loving hugs one of them reached into my pants to start jerking me off long continuous streams of beautiful flowers came out of my dick and filled the water around us and then i wrote so yeah walt disney didn't know what the fuck he was talking about it's like those dreams that's a real dream just think about that dream like that was a very realistic vivid dream a dream like that what is what's going on there okay obviously it's not really happening but when you're having a really vivid dream that's completely ridiculous like you're in a fucking avatar dragon you're flying around while that's happening you're you're like essentially things it's happening yeah while you while it's i mean it just shows you how slippery

regular reality really is if you can have these experiences that are totally ridiculous, but yet while they're happening, you buy them. You buy that you and your friend really are running away from Godzilla. Like, Godzilla really is coming, and the whole city knows, and you're running into people that you knew from high school, and you're saying sorry, and dudes you got in fights with, you're hugging them.

We're all together on this now. We've got to get the fuck away from godzilla and then you hear and you hear that fucking thing coming over the hill you're there you're there and then you wake up and you gotta pee you're like what the fuck is wrong with me i really thought godzilla's real i had my i don't i'm not stressed about anything but i had my my reoccurring dream that I've had since I was like a little kid. It's basically somebody shows up in my window. They like suddenly like appear in the window like that. And I start running from them.

So I'll run up the stairs and then there'll be a ceiling panel and then I'll push it and then I'll pull myself up. And then I'm in like an attic and then I'll run and there'll be another little door and I'll slide that. up and then I'm in like an attic and then I'll run and there'll be another little door and I'll slide that so I'm constantly running from somebody who's below but I have all these secret passages then I was watching the discovery channel and they had a thing about ninjas and this ninja house this guy got out he would move a sliding panel and he went through and I go that's it that's why I enjoy fighting that's why I'm having this dream. I was a ninja. Not kidding you. The thing they showed in thing was the exact dream that I've had.

I think that happens in almost every ninja movie. I know you've seen ninja movies. That is a much better explanation than you used to be a Japanese dude back in the days where there really were ninjas. That seems like a bunch of generations ago, man. What happened last life? You know, how come you remember that shit? Yeah, right? It was probably, what, the 40s? It was kind of boring.

I think they have a photo. There's a photo that was just going around recently, Brian. See if you can pull this up. It's the last known photo of a samurai, an actual samurai, before they somehow or another the culture was abolished. I don't know how they did that. I mean, they maybe made it illegal to walk around with swords or I don't know what they did, but this is, I think photographs were discovered or were figured out in the late

1800s, I believe. Right? Was that right? Does that make sense? So this guy existed with swords, you know, walking around with a sword in the 1800s. I'm pretty sure. This is the Google episode, John Ephron. I know, but I'm one of your dumber guests,

so I can't drop a lot of knowledge. How dare you? That is so not true. That's not the photo that I saw, but it might be another one that's similar. This last known photo of a samurai. See if you Google that. Whoa, look at that dude.

This is what i yeah that's what i googled you ever see those ninja classes like that ain't the one i saw but it's still pretty dope in martial arts like uh magazines or even online there's like guys that teach you how to be a ninja they teach you yeah how can they do that i think they send you a ninja black belt and then you have to promise you're going to watch the videos. I'm serious. I saw a Native American martial art. It was like Indian martial art. That's what the guy did.

Oh, yeah? He sent you a black belt, and then just through the honor system, you're going to watch the DVDs. Well, that's just people trying to make money. That's the one thing about martial arts, is that you can definitely learn some things from a DVD as long as you get one-on-one instruction as well. Like originally get one-on-one instruction.

Like it's way quicker path if you have someone showing you where to put your weight, especially jiu-jitsu. Right. Because it's hard to see what's going on. Like if you're watching a guy strike, like you're seeing things in real life. Like you're seeing where his chin is, his placement. It seems it's like there's less variables. Right. But when you're seeing jiu-jitsu, like you don't understand like where he's holding his balance

and how he passes the guard in a certain way. There's like so many different things that go along with like setting up a submission. There's all these steps along the way that are super critical because you've got to know the defense of those steps. You you got to know the counter to that defense and you got to have two different paths out of there you can't just have one so like while you're teaching someone like a jujitsu like a setup for a submission you're also teaching them the defense of that submission and you're also teaching them like usually you're teaching them like what the counter is you know especially if they're like blue belt blue belt level something like that so there's just so many like to teach that with a

dvd it's so hard to do you can kind of teach basics like real simple stuff and if you pay really close attention you could kind of learn that but way harder it's way better to have somebody move you like show you like here like now watch turn it right there and you're like oh because there's like some like subtle variations just in the way you hold a choke right this guy who won in brazil um one of the last uh cards that we did no no no mexico city he caught this dude in a guillotine and he did this new thing that a lot of guys are doing called a pretzel grip and like if someone doesn't show you how to do that grip it seems it seems real weird i can't even mimic you doing that yeah my friend i was watching you on a video.

My friend Denny showed it to me. But it seems goofy as hell, but when you actually do it, it really works. It's awesome. It's like this crazy new grip that guys are doing. That's one of those things

like someone's got to like put your hands there. They got to show it to you. You got to feel it. Getting it done to you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Getting it done to you

is another big one. I've always been kind of a workout equipment or video whore. Not so much lately, but I would buy a lot of stuff. And this was years ago. I actually bought, it was a Russian martial arts video of how to fight in water. I'm not kidding. Whoa.

Yeah. Oh, you told me about this. We actually talked about it on the podcast, I believe, way back in the day. Oh, did you? I know you've told me this story, though. How to fight in a shallow pool. Yeah, if you're like waste, and then there's different techniques if you're treading water. Oh, that's so crazy.

Look at this. This is a photo of a Japanese dude about to commit a ritual suicide. Look at that. I wonder if that's real. I want to pretend it's real real so i don't want to even research it find out if it's not real but this is all uh these different photos from uh samurais 19th century so the 1860s the photos of were taken in the late 1860s little were those guys well they weren't very tall. I mean, Japanese folks back then especially.

Is that guy doing it to himself or is that a movie? It looks like a movie, but supposedly it's real. Oh, boy. This chick was a samurai. That's pretty hot. I bet they did take photos. Whoa, they had chick samurais? Yeah, that's a lot of samurais.

Damn, powerful chick samurai. I bet they did take photos of them killing themselves. Oh, dude, this one... Look at this weirdo, though. This guy's bleeding. And this one, look at this. This guy's fucking bleeding, man. He's actually doing it.

Oh, jeez. Yeah, I don't... Oh, dude, that is dark. So there's a photo of them sitting around while this guy actually kills himself. And the blood's coming out of his... the top of his kimono and down into his... It's like leaking down into his crotch area. Do you see it?

I'm still looking for it. There's a lot of photos. Yeah, go to the Daily Mail article. It says, end of the samurai, stunning portraits of Japan's warrior class. Just end of the samurai, Daily Mail. Have you ever taken any like martial arts, weapons,

e-training stuff? No. I think it'd be boring. Like on paper, it's not like, it seems like it'd be cool. Like David Lee Roth does the, Samurai swords.

I'm like, oh, that would be awesome. And then you watch it. Scroll down. The one there, right there. That guy's killing himself.

Bragging. And they're all sitting around. Just chilling. It doesn't seem real, does it? They're just teenagers. And they're all sitting around. Just chilling. It doesn't seem real, does it? They're just teenagers. Yeah, it might not be. It seems like it's posed like it's like, look at us. But it might be real. You know, I mean, when you're dealing with someone that's going to do a ritual suicide,

like the kind of willpower and, I mean, they had to be as gangster as possible. I mean, that guy is stabbing himself in the stomach and cutting his guts open with a sword that's probably that could be a real picture because it's probably colorized yeah maybe whoever colored it was like you know i'm gonna add this little yeah well i think the whole photo's got to be colorized they didn't have photos back then. So this is all colorized. The photos that are black and white, I kind of prefer. I just don't want to... That Shirley Temple fakeness. Yeah, I don't want to see that fake color.

I'd rather see it black and white and know that that's what it looked like to the person that was holding that camera that made that photograph and then developed it. that made that photograph and then developed it that's it's really amazing when you think about the fact that everything past like the 1800s whenever it was where they invented cameras everything past that is accelerated like our visual understanding of the world is accelerated in a in a way that we don't really think about that much like no one knew what the fuck africa looked like back then like if you were if you were living in wyoming in 1820 you had no idea what africa looked like you had no idea you know what united states looked like yeah i mean somebody tried to tell you somebody tried to tell you about the animals that were over in africa they might as well be talking about like people that live on the moon

like what there's black people and there's others playing an elephant yeah yeah it's a gorilla yeah you know they didn't even know gorillas were real until the beginning of the 19th or the 20th century the 1900s what yeah did you know that's so crazy we're in the they didn't know maybe well they were in the jungle and there's like one or two dudes that african people knew they were real but i mean when we i mean us goofy white people i mean I talk to black people We didn't know them Yeah Yeah yeah

Yeah the discovery of the gorilla I'm pretty sure it was the early 1900s Hold on a second This is The Google show Of the gorilla Great babe Read it

Okay discovery of the gorilla They had to have known before, right? 1902. Discovered in 1902. Isn't that nuts? Discovered on October 7th, 1902 on the ridges of the volcanic

I don't know how to say this, Virunga Mountains by a German explorer. Captain Robert von Beringe B-E-R-I-N-G-E, the mountain gorilla was named Gorilla Beninge in honor of the captain.

Huh. Yeah. How fucking crazy is that? So weird. Yeah, that was a conversation at work the day after that where people were like, hey, did you see that

there's a thing like us that has hair all over it well how about those dudes those explorer dudes from the early 1900s you know they would show up and you know they would have like fucking their wives would be with them and they tried to like make camps in the congo you know like that was that was a subject of so many movies like that was a subject of King Kong. Remember, there's an explorer. They brought the actress, and they showed up at this island. And the ghost in the darkness, remember that? Yeah. The white people and all the black people working for them.

They're making a railroad in Africa. It's crazy. It just goes bad. Yeah. They have his... This is pretty cool, man. They have his actual account of like, of meeting a gorilla for the first time. From our campsite, we were able to watch a herd of big black monkeys, which tried to climb the crest of the volcano.

We succeeded in killing two of these animals. And with a rumbling noise, they tumbled into a ravine which had its opening in a north easterly direction after five hours of strenuous work we succeeded in retrieving one of these animals using a rope it was a big human-like male monkey of one and a half meters in height and a weight of over 200 pounds his chest had no hair and his hands and feet were of enormous size unfortunately i was unable to determine its type because of its size it could not very well be a chimpanzee or a gorilla so they did know some gorillas huh in any case the presence of gorilla had not been established in

the area around the lakes so they didn't know what it was. This is so confusing. Look at the photo, Brian. Pull that up because it's a crazy picture of these people standing over this dead gorilla. This is one of the first gorillas? So that's a mountain gorilla. But he said gorilla. So that's kind of weird. So what does that mean?

Like when did they discover the actual gorilla? So there's other kinds of gorillas other than mountain gorillas then. That's the only thing that makes sense to me. Right? Physical characteristics, discovery, communication, intelligence, tool use, interaction with humans.

Here we go. Okay, 500 BC, an explorer on an expedition in the West African coast encountered a savage people, the greater part of whom were women, whose bodies were hairy, and who our interpreters called Gorillae. The word was then later used as a species name,

and although it's unknown whether these ancient Carthagians encountered were truly gorillas, another species of ape or monkeys or even humans. Wow. Okay, so that was the first account of gorillas, another species of ape or monkeys or even humans. Wow. Okay, so that was the first account of gorillas that's written down. That was 500 years before Christ. So the first Westerner to see a live gorilla was in 1856. He brought dead specimens to the UK in 1861. Hmm. The first systematic study was not conducted until the 1920s. So, yeah, I mean, they kind of knew about gorillas back then, but it seems like it wasn't. Look at that thing.

Isn't that weird? It looks fake. Look at that face. It looks fake. Yeah, but they couldn't do fake back then. The fake that they had. It actually looks pretty real, dude. If you look at that face, get close up on it.

Like that thing. That's a dead monkey. But those mountain gorillas, they have those chest plates you know plus you gotta you gotta realize that's like the worst cell phone picture ever you know that's what like the best pictures were back then the best pictures i mean this is 18 what was it 1860 what yeah the dude had to set up that thing that like they didn they didn't have a flashback. 19. Was it 19? 1902. Oh, that's the 1902 picture?

Fuck, man. Yeah, so that's the mountain gorilla. So I guess, like, they had, there's some different species of gorillas, but it wasn't really until the 1800s that us white people started figuring out that they were even real. I think the first thing he does when he sees them is he tries to kill them. I know. He killed two of them. Like the first, like, oh, what's this?

Let's kill it. Don't you think that's what would happen if aliens landed here? Do you think we'd shoot first? They'd be like, hey, that's... There's certain people that would definitely shoot first. Yeah, yeah. There's people out there, man. It goes back to what we're saying about cops.

There's some cops that are just getting out of their car shooting right they're they're looking to shoot right and i think there's probably like some human beings that if aliens showed up would do the same thing they would see the alien and they would just start shooting they wouldn't even think about if they had a gun on them and they were worried about their life or if the alien went like put it put its hand out you're like oh you fucking freak you You know, you'd weird out if it was trying to communicate with you. Like, you would have to be so vulnerable to like allow an alien close enough to you to communicate with you. You'd have to assume that it's not going to eat you. Like, how would you know?

Like, could you imagine how stupid you would feel if you came up to an alien? You're like, hello, friend. And it's like, throws a net on you. It fucking cinches it up tight and holds you up. It like take some selfies with you yeah and then fucking throws you in the back of its spaceship and you'd be like fuck i should have shot him you know so who knows if they're like us maybe we should fucking shoot them shit yeah right because it's not like they're gonna or maybe that brain thing where you can your thoughts get thing maybe that brain thing where your thoughts get thing, maybe that's the piece of equipment. We need to actually talk to the aliens.

Did you see Europa Report? It's pretty interesting. Is it? It's a movie about these people. It was a sci-fi movie about these people that go to Europa. Europa is one of Jupiter's moons. And it apparently has water on it. I think it's Jupiter's moon, right? Is it Jupiter's moons, and it apparently has water on it. I think it's Jupiter's moon, right?

Is it Jupiter's moon? Apparently, it's frozen solid. It's a ball of ice. And under the surface, there's cracks on the surface that indicate there's some sort of flowing water underneath. And so they're trying to, in this movie, they go there. I don't want to spoiler alert for anybody. But they go there and have encounters. But the way you think about someone coming from another planet and landing on your fucking planet, you're going to automatically assume they're hostile as fuck.

Yeah. You're going to automatically. Yeah. Yeah. Aliens are dead. They're dead or we're dead. We're dead. We're dead.

One or the other. You got to figure. Who knows? aliens are dead they're dead or we're dead we're dead one of the other figure who knows maybe they didn't maybe they have like really low testosterone maybe they breed how about this what if aliens evolved to breed with no sex so there's no competition for breeding and the competition is all about surviving against their elements and the the predators in their area so they don't have like they don't have have like this male conqueror thing like we do. They're all androgynous. That's why they don't have dicks.

They don't have vaginas. They don't have big titties. Nothing. Aliens don't have booty videos. There's no twerking in the alien world. They don't care about sex. It doesn't mean anything. The number one thing to us is sex.

It's like we have this crazy desire to procreate. We have this crazy desire to be with other people of the opposite or in some cases the same sex right it's a big factor for why people become successful it's a big factor for why people sell items they use beautiful women to sell things and dudes with fucking six packs to sell jeans and jimmy dean sausages and shit, you know? That's just a reality of being a human being. So it's really hard for us to separate that idea from living organisms. But like there's a lot of organisms that don't have sex at all. You know, there's plants and some fucking slugs and shit.

I guess they fuck, but they're like the male and the female. The male can fuck the male. Like they're both. Like I think a slug is like one of one of those things it's bi it's bisexual in the weird way not like you're into chicks or a girl but in the way like you're you have both sexes they're hermaphrodites i guess yeah and um i mean we could have that could easily be the case with some being from another planet and if that's the case they might not understand aggression they might not understand how loked out we are.

And then they just show up. You know, like if the aliens land, and they show up. Yeah, they'd be like very hippie-ish. Yeah, exactly. Or just free love. They might not understand violence. They might have somehow or another

grown up in this Goldilocks zone that's like way better than our Goldilocks zone, where there's no predators. Everyone eats plants. There's like all procreation is. Like a whole food planet this is like all procreation is yeah all procreation is done through like this mutual experience of the entire tribe gets together and has has babies together and there's no sex involving it's all just community friendship and love and then a child is born out of that love that's just as look how weird is it

you shoot a load in someone's pussy and that's what makes a person that's fucking ridiculous it's it's so ridiculous it's not just as ridiculous to think of a community of evolved beings that all get together and hug you know and then out of that hug a tiny child appears and they all care for it together that's just as possible and then they get lost show up on earth and we yeah waste them within 15 how crazy is pollen how crazy is the fact that plants need bees to take pollen and pollinate their fucking plants you know take flowers and distribute like literally genetic material from those plants distributed all around like that's a part of the whole ecosystem you have these bees that are responsible for these plants growing and if these bees die off, everybody's freaking out.

Like, we're going to lose the bees. We're going to lose society. People are going to starve. Like, what? Hold on. We got workers. We got these little worker bees. They work for us.

We don't even know about it. Like, we need them. Like, they're important for almonds. Like, what? I killed a bee the other day. I didn't feel bad. You motherfucker. You terrible person terrible person but

i mean think about that that's an actual reality of nature is that bees pollinate plants it's a reality of nature it's so bizarre but it's responsible for like the progression of plant life that's like a big part of how it goes down like i think there could be an infinite number of different styles of life out there in the universe. And that's one of the things this Europa Report thing was about. It wasn't the best movie,

but it held my attention. It was interesting. And it was about an alternative type of life that could exist. I want to predict if aliens land, they're probably going to be skinny.

I would think they would be so slick that they would be right here right now. We'd have no idea. Asians. I think they're hiding in the Asians. There's so many Asians in China and stuff. There's a lot of places to hide.

Well, that's because they had a land mass over there. I think that was one of my more stupid theories when I was into the idea that human beings were genetically engineered from aliens. They took people and they added alien DNA to people. And that's why we're so different from all the other monkeys that exist, all the other apes. My big thing was that they had different levels. They would put a little less alien in some people. And they would be a little hairier. Like dudes with a lot of back hair.

Just messing with the... Yeah. You ever go to the beach you see some some fucking dudes that are just hairy it's iranian dudes yeah like the fucking iron cheek or see an asian guy no hair at all you know different complete different features smart very very little body hair. Notoriously good at mathematics. That was my stupid theory, that they were more alien. So dumb. I'm for it still. You know who's for it? Dennis McKenna. Really?

Dennis McKenna thinks it's very possible that some sort of other advanced life form has visited Earth in the past and subtly or actively re-engineered or engineered human beings. That they had some hand. He said it's possible. And he bases that on a bunch of things, like what we would do if we could do it, and the idea that we're a fairly young planet. Earth is only like four and a half something billion years old. So the universe was around for 10 billion years before Earth was or somewhere abouts, roughly.

That's a long time. If something just had a 100,000 year head start, that's it. That's all it needs. 100,000 year head start from where we are now without blowing yourself up. Could you even imagine what kind of freaky shit we're going to be able to do?

Yeah. And 100,000 years is a blink of an eye. So if we could show up, say if the Congo was a planet Instead of like the Congo where these guys show up and they start lighting these gorillas up What if there was a planet and we found this planet and was all apes There was no people and we did like an accurate survey of the planet like Tom Cruise style We land this fucking little thing out a little white outfits. Yeah, we're taking like

Biologicals for a guy and a hot chick. A hot chick, right. And he tries to keep it professional. That means we're dead, Brian. He saves her life. She gets an injury. I mean, that's just a scout party. So you got to be your own scout party.

All right. Yeah. You know, maybe like you guys, the scout party likes to take naps and pretend you saw something, but you didn't. You file false reports and you get in trouble. And then there'll be like, there'd have to be a protagonist. There'd have to be a woman that's like a powerful woman that sort of balances it out.

Will you guys get that job done? You're down on planet Congo. Get the job done and get back up here. And maybe there's like Cylons moving in and we got to get back to the planet and fucking but point being if we landed on planet Congo and there was only monkeys if we thought that they were just like the chimpanzees here for sure we'd steal a few right fuck yeah are you kidding me if they knew that they could land on a planet say if they found a planet you know whatever a light

year away you know they figured out how to get somewhere in a year. And on that planet, they knew there was live primates that were exactly like chimps. They're like, oh, this is what it is, man. These animals, if you give them enough time at this temperature, this is what you get. If the temperature's higher, you get dinosaurs. If the temperature's lower, you get woolly mammoths. You know what I mean? What if it's like a universal thing in in in

the cosmos it's that all you need is water and carbon and all the building blocks and the same life forms exist everywhere if we find that out and we show up someplace and we find monkeys we're stealing them yeah for sure if we find that we go there there's parrots and anacondas like this is exactly like the rainforest and they they're like, exactly, exactly? Well, pretty sure. Well, we'll fucking steal one of those monkeys. Let's find out. So, there's a bunch of monkeys with a little monkey community and monkey school system.

And they're teaching each other what sounds for anaconda. What's the sound for eagle that comes to steal you from the trees. They try to teach. And we just go along and go, you're not smart enough for us to care about your community. So, get in the cage, hooker. Clink. Shut that fucking box. Push it into our spaceship.

And for the rest of their lives, those chimps have to freak out thinking about the time that this thing came, this metal disc and stole their mommy. Yeah. Yeah. So people wouldn't believe them. We would do it. Don't you think we would do it? Yeah, in a second. In a second. Do you think we would do it? Yeah in a second In a second

Do you think we would do it? Yeah Yeah Right If we knew Oh they have bass Largemouth bass on this lake We're stealing some of those bass

They'd be like a guy in Texas They would have like a special lake You'd have to pay to catch Mars bass Motherfucker imported some Mars bass That could totally be real to catch Mars bass. Motherfucker imported some Mars bass. That could totally be real. Somebody tried to steal my dog out of my backyard. That's just here.

In America? Yeah. So of course we do it from a different... Did you catch him? Yeah, that was a huge... My wife said, Margaret's gone, and my other shepherd wasn't, which is, you know,

if you're a dog person you know it's weird the the two hooligans always are with each other one's not gonna go i'm not gonna leave so i was in new york thought we lost it i'm cutting off the story but i i thought we lost our dog so it's day three and i'm just beyond bummed i'm like my dog got out and where i live up in the hills i'm like coyotes the dog she's kind of a, so, uh, you know, she's probably dead. So then before I go perform, I just go to Craigslist just for, I just, I type in Craigslist and I go found or lost shepherd. This ad pops up saying free dog.

And it's a picture of my dog, uh, super friendly, well-trained, well trained um you know had a list of all of her things and then a phone number oh my god so then i call the guy and go hey bud like i'm excited like yes you know you found my dog thank you and the guy goes well she didn't have a tag on her i'm like she always has a tag she must have got out out and then the tag got taken off or her collar, which is like that doesn't happen. Unless she hits a picket fence and it rips it off. So I go, but you have my dog. And he goes, well, it doesn't have a tag, so I don't know if it's your dog. And I go, it is my dog.

And then I even sent the guy a picture of her that you would match up and go, those are my dogs. And I even sent the guy a picture of her that you would match up and go, those are my dogs. And then the guy says, well, a dog owner that lets their dog get out probably doesn't deserve to have that dog. So now I'm like, motherfucker, are you not going to give me my dog? He goes, I gave the dog away. Somebody already called the dog thing. And you had my you had my fucking dog dude can i have the number to the person that you gave the dog to and he's like no so now i'm going crazy like now i'm like mother so then i call my wife i go i found the person

who has a dog but they're not going to give it to her so So then I even posted it on my fan page and there was some cops in this area. I was like, if you have his phone number, we can go to the guy's house and say, I mean, that's, you know, because somebody said that's stolen, you know, he has stolen property. So you have a little bit of recourse. So I'm at Gotham in New York.

You know, the door guys that work there? They're all old cops. Great. Great guys. So one of the guys goes, put the guy on the phone with me. Get me on the phone because I'm going to tell him I would hate. It's too bad you committed suicide over a lost dog. It's too bad you decided to.

He was like, this is how you talk to that guy. He goes, stop being so my wife calls him and then he ends up giving the number two of who has my dog now to my wife right so then my wife calls this woman and this woman says well i've watched the dog for two days now um you know i've spent a lot of money on food blah blah so my wife goes this is i didn't hear this conversation i wasn't happy about this she goes i'll give you i have 150 bucks cash on me can i come and get my dog and i'll give you the 150 bucks because you were nice enough to watch the dog for so my wife now keep in mind now i'm in new York, and this is like 11 o'clock at night, L.A. time. So now I'm like, don't drive to some random person's house.

You're crazy. So she does anyway. Drives an hour and a half away. So, okay, from where your podcast is, there's a dog park that's pretty close to here. Would anybody be hanging out at the dog park here and then drive home an hour and a half you don't do that in los angeles like nothing's making sense so then she drives to this person's house by herself has my other shepherd in the in the jeep this woman comes out with our dog and she in the woman, I still don't know if this is your dog. And literally as the woman,

I guess, as you're going to have to prove it, Margaret, bam, just takes off, you know, like lunges for my wife and was just, you know,

whimpering and stuff like that. The woman grabs a hold of Margaret's collar. And then my wife has the collar. And then my wife's like, now I got to throw it on with this bitch like she goes i have to just start punching this older woman in the face to get her to let go of my dog because now it's a so then my other shepherd jumps out of the jeep like the the driver's side window was open my other shepherd jumps out of that window because there's now

there's kind of a fight going on and And then my wife has $150 cash. She throws it. Like she literally makes it rain. She grabs it because she needs an extra hand to grab the other dog now. The woman lets go of my dog and starts, like the money was going to disappear, starts reaching for the money falling. And my wife just grabs both of them and, you know,

threw them in our car. And she said she, she took off. Cause she was like, this is not, this is not. So long story short, that's crazy.

The dog in the guy was dude. I've never, I've never even had the thought of actually physically wanting to kill somebody. Like you say, I'll kill that guy, but you never really like really think, but I like this dude came into stole my dog and is now saying he won't and and i have his info now but now this guy knows where you live and now you know where this guy lives no we don't he doesn't know where i live i mean well he made he got your dog well

that's true if that like but i don't know my, I have a privacy fence like around my backyard. So it's pretty dog friendly. You, as a dog, you can't scale the wall or get out. So someone had to get in. Yeah. I don't have any proof of any of that, but something happened. So you don't know if this lady sold or this guy sold that lady, that dog or gave that lady, that dog. He said he gave it to her, but I think he's a liar anyway. I think they were running a, Hey, I have your dog, give me some money scam.

Even though that seems like a lot of work. No, no. How would they do that? Because you contacted them. They're just hoping that you would find them? Yeah. Come on. That's a ridiculous scam.

They would maybe contact you and say, hey, I have your dog. But anybody's going to run a scam like that? They're not going to put it in Craigslist or wherever you found it. Yeah. Is that where you found it? Yeah, I saw it in Craigslist or wherever you found it. Yeah. Is that where you found it? Yeah, I saw it in Craigslist. Like, random. I just typed the city I live in in Shepard, and a picture of her showed up.

That's so crazy. Right? Or, like, I can't figure out, like, what happened. Like, you said, if it's somebody who's just trying to steal dogs and sell, they're really shitty at it because there's a way easier way to do it. There's a lot of movies all about that though like that movie lost and found with David Spade seven seven psychopaths that's what the dude in seven psychopaths did with the dog the shit so I think it could be like well I eat that I have people around me that sometimes will call and say your dogs

are barking this this was a while ago. There was a problem. And then this person would throw oranges from his side over into my yard or like eggs and stuff like that. And then he would call and say, your dogs are back there constantly barking. And I would go, yeah, dude, because

you're throwing shit at them and you're having conversations with them. Of course they're going to bark at somebody on the other side of the fence. So who knows if a neighbor had somebody. I don't know. My ex-girlfriend had a dog. Crazier shit has happened. My ex-girlfriend had a dog, and I think because it barked all the time,

I think somebody poisoned it by throwing a piece of food over the side of her fence, and then the dog died. Tell me what you think about that, speaking of that. Yeah. All right, so my dog, I would always put, like, if I was making a peanut butter sandwich or something, I'd get, like, a scoop of peanut butter, and I'd get the spoon. I know you guys are never going to want to have a spoon at my house,

but I would, like, turn the spoon, and dogs would would lick the peanut butter on the spoon uh kind of after all this happened i i would put out a spoon with peanut butter on it and show it towards margaret her ears flip back and she takes off she won't even come by me wow so right because dogs learn something so something shady happened like i said i have no i have no well those dogs are really smart too shepherds are very smart they're very they're they're very quick yeah they don't you don't got to tell them twice they usually those are dogs that you have to be like real active with because they get bored you know they can't just lay around like a bulldog like one of those english bulldogs those are fat lazy dogs they'll just lay around shepherds would be like

okay i gotta get out of this yard i gotta figure out a way out of this yard they'll climb trees and you know they'll escape they get bored yeah they're smart as that's why they're good police dogs shepherds and those other ones that look like shepherds those belgian malinois oh yeah malamutes malinois i think they call them the malamutes a different dog i've never owned shepherds prior to these two and that's man they're great i've had like german i've had like golden retrievers like yeah but my shepherds aren't like people are afraid of them because they look you know if you see them you go that's but they're that my my brother and his wife they they have rottweilers and i've never been and if you just have mentally in your head like oh rottweilers are are. They couldn't be a nicer dog. Those are good dogs. Like.

If you're raised right. I had a buddy of mine who had a really good one. He was a sweetheart. Big, big friendly dog. They have like a five-year-old. He's three. Lays on the Rottweiler like he's watching TV and the dog will just sit there. And I started wrestling with him a little bit or like tickle fighting.

The Rottweiler came in between us and just kind of plopped down. Yeah. Just to kind of go, okay. bitch yeah we've had enough of the tickle fight okay dogs are interesting because so much of a dog's personality is based on the breeder and how well the breeder takes care of the parents and the the generations before like i got this dog um it's a regency mastiff you ever seen that dog? Yeah. His dad was on Fear Factor and his dad was so chill. He was just such a sweet dog. He's just hanging out.

Like he was just like real calm and like real sweet. But then he used him as an attack dog. Like he had him as a big dog. So he had him like taking out people in those big attack dog suits. And this guy, he won't even breed dogs if they have any aggression towards people there's any growling or barking and he like he'll try to take their food away he'll do all kinds of different things to test them right and he'll he's always kind to them but if they show any sign of aggression towards people he doesn't breed them and so

because of that he has his like really calm really sweet really confident dogs and a lot of like dog breeds depend upon Who's raising them what qualities are trying to get out of the dog and if they're really strict like this guy Joe was you know Then you get like this amazing dog like my dog Johnny's like the sweetest dog I've ever had he's so friendly Like I might my four-year-old will bring friends over and they'll play with him. I have no fear He's just a gentle giant. Like he's never, like even I've seen dogs bite him and he doesn't even bite back. He's like, hey, what the fuck, man? Why are you biting me?

You know, he's just a big sweetie. Just a kind, kind dog. Yeah, I have visions now because I'm looking at property in the Midwest. Whoa. Just for, you know. What are you doing, John Heffron? Exit strategy. Trying to fucking prep us?

Yeah. Are you a prepper? Whoa Just for What are you doing John Heffron Exit strategy Trying to fucking prep us Yeah Are you a prepper Where I just want to sit In a lawn chair With one of the Like those tennis Ball things Where you go

And it shoots the tennis ball And let my dog do sprints So you just want to Like train them I just want to sit there I think that would be The greatest Just spring day

Just sit there I knew a dude Who went through One of those You know what Shutsun training is? Yeah. Like some, yeah, you know what that is?

I tried to do it with my, with Margaret, but that they said she was too friendly. Like, like cause the agitator, cause you need to get a little bit of a, and they're like, yeah, she doesn't. That's fine. She just wants to, yeah. How old was she when you tried to do it to her? Whatever, a year, year and a half, like. Yeah, they say it's like.

They do stuff where they shake like you know you shake like a can they make a lot of noise and some dogs will take off other dogs will go to it like so it all you know hmm like whether or not they're aggressive yeah like if they're but there's levels of that training i've seen do you see that there's a facebook video this guy just says a couple words and there's a fight like so This guy just says a couple words, and there's a fight. So guys are fighting. The guy says some words, and then the shepherd runs to the baby and sits there.

And then when one of the guys fighting turns to then go towards the baby, the shepherd goes, nope, and attacks again. Like, the guys are wearing suits, but they're, like, doing drills, and they train this. So they're like those, you ever seen those DuPont Registry magazines? It's all weird rich people shit, like watches that cost half a million bucks.

Yeah, like the Rob Report or whatever it is. Yeah, Rob Report, exactly. They always have those pages in there that are dedicated to these trained German shepherds, and you see them sitting there guarding a crib. Loyal guardian and trained, fully trained dog. What do you do for a living where you need that? There's a lot of people out there that are just worried. Doing coke.

I would. Doing coke. I would do that. Staring out the windows. I need a dog. I need a dog. Where's my gun? Where's my fucking killer tack dog?

You know what I watched the other day? Elephant in the Living Room. What are you guys doing over there? I was looking for that. Rob over there? Oh, yeah. Those ads are on every one of them. I used to get that magazine. The magazine itself was like a billion. Because it was just fun to go through.

And you're like... What movie? Oh, fuck. What was I going to say? Elephant in the Room. Oh, Elephant in the Room. Elephant in the Room is a movie about all these people that keep exotic pets in their home. Like lions and shit.

Like this guy had this weird relationship with this lion. And he would go in the cage with the lion and hug it. And he's like, this lion kept me alive. If I didn't have this lion, I would have been dead. I broke my back in a truck driving accident. I was all fucked up on pills, and I got this lion. And it's like, it's so weird. It's so weird watching this.

Don't they eventually kill you? Like a lion would, even though you're friendly. Don't you think you just have a bad day? Sometimes they do. Sometimes they do. But I think if you pay attention to all these motherfuckers that have lions and how few of them actually wind up killing them, I think if you train them correctly and you're there all the time, it's probably at least reasonably safe. When they seem to attack is when they get agitated.

Like the Siegfried and Roy thing. Yeah, they're like, I'm not. They were thinking that it might have been because some lady in the audience had some crazy hat on. And that the tiger might have seen that hat as like a cobra. Like something, a peacock, some fucking crazy animal. Remember in Jurassic Park when the fucking Wayne Knight is trying to steal and that thing shows up in the car with him like. Maybe that's what the tiger thought that hat was. Like something similar.

Like something alerting him that it was about to attack well she was talking the whole time or texting and just as a performer the tiger's like you know what that's the second show friday they said that it wasn't even trying to kill him it was just dragging him out of there and that it didn't it had no idea like that biting him on the neck would just crush his vertebrae it was just so strong it was trying to just get him out of there i don't know if i buy that yeah i don't know i think you just got sick of working for him i think it's just a tiger it could have a guy got killed uh a couple of days ago or he got mauled went into a lion enclosure climbed in it's like the third guy this year there's that indian guy that got killed by that big white tiger. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That was the most ridiculous

one ever. The guy's on his knees, like, annoying the shit out of the tiger by praying. He's like, he won't stop. And finally, the tiger is like, you fucking annoying bitch. Bam. He grabs him and just drags him over to the other side of the enclosure like he's a pillow.

Have you seen it? No. Want to watch it? Yeah. Okay. We'll put it up on this thing here so we don't get pulled from YouTube. We have a strategy now for showing videos. Oh, is that right?

That thing? Yeah. Well, we keep getting pulled from YouTube every time we show videos. Now we don't really show them. We just sort of show them over on that side. So it's not the actual video playing on our youtube channel gotcha i get it you know they're trying to not have anybody steal uh views from them but i think it probably in the long run gets you more views because people don't want to see it just on the podcast they want

to tell their friends about it did you hear this video link and then they're going to go to the actual link but i get it you know there, I guess they call it fair use. I don't know what fair use is. I'm not exactly sure. It seems debatable. There's like a debatable definition for fair use. Anyway, this fucking dude gets jacked. That's what's important, John Heffron.

This guy gets fucking jacked. And he's, for whatever reason, he thinks it's smart to fucking keep praying. Like the tiger gets like right on top of him and he just, he doesn't stay still. He doesn't play dead. He just keeps bobbing back and forth and up and down, back and forth and up and down. And eventually the tiger's like, all right, I seen enough. Yeah. Oh, we have to sit through an ad.

It's an Indian ad. Just give me a break. Whoa, but these are Americans. What's going on? They speak in English? What, State Farm? Is that what it is? Why are we showing that?

I don't want to see this. This video has disturbing images. Not suitable for children. Duh. Look at this lady. all excited to show this. Look at this fucking animal hovering over that dude. My God. That's when it's killing him.

Like, this is him dragging him off. If you squint, you can kind of see it unpixelated. Well, you can get a better video, Brian. You can get a real video. You don't have to show this one. There's real videos that show the actual, like, thing in front of him like this but he's moving around but did that guy fall in do you know i think he jumped in i think he went into it on his own see if you can find the other one you can actually see it because you see the guy like he's for whatever right

that's the upper one yeah forever whatever reason he reason, he's like, he won't stop moving. Yeah, Dailymotion's gonna give you the real deal. Dailymotion and LiveLeak, those are dark websites. Yeah, here it is. Yeah, LiveLeak doesn't fuck around. Look at this. This guy's just sitting there.

And this fucking, this giant beast. Look, see, he's constantly moving. And the cat is like, you're not supposed to be here, fucker. Why are you moving so much? Yeah. I mean, that's. What can you do there? I mean, you're stuck in there.

It's like me dangling a feather in front of my cat. My cat eventually. Yeah. Look at him. Yeah. Look at him just attack some. Oh, my God. This is so hard to watch.

You're not getting out. Because if the tiger can't get out, you can't get out. That thing can jump 14 feet in the air. It can't get out, you're fucked. So you're just going to have to get eaten, son. I don't think there's any other way around it. What do you do? Do you get up and go, hey, I'm going to go over here real quick.

You think the zoo people would be coming out with their... What the fuck do they do? In India, there's probably one dude. He's probably cleaning the monkey cage right now. Yeah, he's over... Talking to the Euros chick. Yeah, they're like, Bajji, Bajji, there's a man in the tiger cage.

What? What? Hold on. He's got a text. Text comes in. He's got a text. Hold on. I got to text you back.

There's a man in a tiger cage. What? This tiger's getting annoyed with this dude yeah i think people were like yelling at him too like hey you get the fuck away from here oh shit they this is the tiger moved in these dummies they're focusing on people's sneakers because they're not paying attention see these fuckheads this shitty video here here it is oh God. It's fucking him up. So he goes down. Oh, my God. See that when it, like, pulled down?

Oh. And here's where it gets dark. It just grabs him by the neck and just carries him away. Look at that. Wow. Look how easy it carries him. Yeah, yeah, right? And that guy's probably...

Dead. I mean, he's... Dead. No, but he's, like, 130 pounds, probably? 140? Yeah, whatever he is. it carries him like he's nothing yeah jumps over a ravine with him i mean it's got this enclosure it's like a swimming pool type thing and it just goes right up the side of it like it's nothing oh what a way to die

i mean what a dumb idea and a goofy way to die but like lions there's a guy that made it into a lion enclosure and he was trying to convert the lion to. But like lions, there's a guy that made it into a lion enclosure and he was trying to convert the lions to Christianity. Yeah, there's a video of that. And the lions just start fucking him up. Pull that, pull that up. Lion tries to convert man to Christianity. It just fucked this dude up.

It's hilarious that there's people in 2014 still want to give it a try yeah just fucking i think i can get in there and this this line needs to be down with jesus poor bastard look at this he's out there proselytizing to lions look is waving his hands i think this was in china am i correct yeah look at this guy he's standing there just annoying the shit out of lions they're not even fucking with him look at that oh my god it just now he just sat down like he's gonna rash like listen i know you're lashing out but it's because you don't have the lord that lion scratched the shit out of him but look the lion doesn't want anything to do with him they're not trying to kill him it's because you don't have the Lord. That lion scratched the shit out of him. But look, the lion doesn't want anything to do with him.

They're not trying to kill him. It's just this fucking dummy just won't get ghost. Look at this. Oh, you bitch! It just bit him. Oh, motherfucker. See, it's not trying to kill him. It just doesn't want him around.

He needs to figure out a way to get the fuck out of Dodge. But he's so stupid. Oh, shit. Oh, it's clawing at him. It bites his leg. Oh, my God. That has to hurt.

Yeah. Oh, my God. This guy's lucky that lion is, like, really sweet. That's a nice lion. Yeah, the lion gets lost a couple times. The lion has to attack him. I mean, it's like, it can't allow. I don't remember.

I don't think he does. As a matter of fact, I think he makes it through this. But the lion actually just doesn't want him there. And he's standing there, may Christ compel you. This guy's got a gun out, ready to shoot the lion in case the lion takes. He should shoot that guy. That's what he should do, you fucking idiot. By by the power of christ the lion lies down in front of him jesus made that lion lie down yeah now the guy's gonna get cocky and walk forward

oh they're gonna tranquilizer dart it they should just trank him shoot him right in the dick fucking retard what kind of a dumbass they got their stretcher ready they know this guy's bleeding profusely okay they tranked it they tranked the cats wow they tranked the cats for a dumb ass look at him he's okay got a big ass bite in his leg they stitched him up what a dummy. God damn, people are silly, Jon Heffron. What the fuck is that about? His wife was like next to him. Like, are you going to beat this guy's ass?

Whose wife? The lion. I just pretended that that other lion. I was confused. How do you know? There's like 10 people around. How do you know who's married to who, Jon Heffron? What magical powers do you have?

My wife called me out on that. She used to watch the Kardashians, and I'd always just go, it's just making you dumb. It makes you dumber as a human being watching. But one of the husbands on there, I don't know enough, the guy who looks like Psycho, the white dude with the slick back hair. Do you guys know his name? No, it's okay.

Whatever. Whatever his name is. But they know who I'm talking about. He's married to the older sister. Every time you'd see that as a joke i would look at my wife and go if i ever saw that guy i would kick him right in the head the first thing i would do that guy bugs me so much you have to watch it to see he kind of gets under your skin that seems like an unreasonable way to deal with people so i would go man i would just i would kick the guy right in the head he just just seems like a thing. So we're in Calabasas. This was, you know, after me saying this every single time I've ever seen this show, we're in Calabasas at the bookstore.

I'm walking down the aisle with my wife. He turns into the aisle and starts walking towards us. And then the whole time he's walking towards us, my wife is going, Well, here's your chance. Here's your chance, big guy. He's coming right now. And then part of me was like, was like okay do i gotta kick him in the head just so i get street cred with my wife or whatever when we obviously walked by him and then that my wife goes i'll talk you just all talk yeah that game's not not fun in this city because because last night we were at the comedy store and louis c. was playing and we have the same thing and my girlfriend's this Leonardo DiCaprio and then fucking walks by his Leonardo DiCaprio.

That's hilarious. Yeah, you can't play that. Game over, man. Whatever it's called that you get one celebrity to hook up with. Not if you live in L.A. Because you have chances that you're going to run in. That's, you know, no way. If you're a Leonardo DiCaprio, you probably can't live anywhere other than LA.

Like if Leonardo DiCaprio tried to move to Nebraska, like people would like, there'd be like tours. People would fly out. Like that's where Leonardo DiCaprio is. He would go out to his, he's got a farm out there in Nebraska. Like I remember there was a thing about Val Kilmer. Like Val Kilmer had a place that he put out in uh new mexico yeah yeah

he had some crazy ranch i think he still does but like he just retired some ranch in new mexico and everybody would just be like walking around the ranch like fucking batman lives in that place like he was fucking ice from top gun you know yeah he Yeah, yeah. He lives in this ranch that's like right there. And everybody would be like, what the fuck? It's almost like you want to like go there just to see if it's real.

Like you'd want to like look over the hedges. Like what's going on over there? Like imagine if you're him and you just, every time you leave your house there's a bunch of people peering over your hedges

staring at you. Yep. Yeah, that's why, yeah, if you're really famous you have to stay in la because then that way you get watered down a little like it's just natural you know yeah well you definitely get watered down like yeah sure like my gym the gym that i used to go to i'd walk in there at any given time the rock would be there alec baldwin the sweet life is zach and cody kids and then every famous porn star you know but it was really weird because you just see

and then you're just on a treadmill next to The Rock and after like week two it's just like yeah you get used to some people I watched a guy go up to The Rock The Rock always the dude headphones on and when he's like lifting

he kind of has this look of i'm i'm working out you know it kind of has to so uh so this guy walks over to him and says hey uh could you could you help me out and you saw him he took off his head you know he was mid-workout he's like doing squats or something right ask somebody but the rocks is probably one of the nicest guys i've ever seen like yeah on a side note like i've seen him on flights at 6 o'clock in the morning with his head up against the window and hat down and little kids tapping on him. And then he put his head up, throw on the smile, sign for the kid, and then go back to sleep for a second until the next kid.

I've never not seen him be cool like that. So at the gym, he walks over to the guy and i'm now i'm just like staring the guy goes i'm gonna do these preacher curls can you tell me if i'm doing them right oh god curls like the one like probably the only weight lifting technique you don't need actually like how's my like a squat you could go am i doing this okay but like a curl i felt so bad for him and in mid, can we be friends? Yeah, so what are you doing later? Can we eat together? Can you leave a voice message

for my wife? Will you go FaceTime with my kids? Yeah. He's Hercules. Kids get very excited to FaceTime with Hercules. The girls did, man. That dude would jump on a Stairmaster or whatever. There was nobody next to him.

Within seconds, there'd be dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Everybody, yeah. He's a super huge dude. He's gigantic. Could you imagine? I've seen him in different phases. What kind of a pussy magnet that guy must be? I mean, it must be like a black hole,

like just a singularity of sexual attraction. He's like six foot three, right? Six three-ish, four-ish, something like that. Built like a brick shithouse and he's a movie star. Good Lord.

Ever see those pictures that he would, probably not, that he posts pictures on Instagram when he's working out? Yeah. Like his cheat days?

Mm-hmm. Or like, they're legendary. Four, yeah. Legendary. Four big huge pizzas in a stack of You've never seen anything like it in your life

Yeah it's legendary What is this Carl That's just the part of the diet Is just like one day a week You can eat Like I'm just like crazy man Yeah some guys do that They're super strict

Except one day And on one day They just go off You know Remember when Eddie Bravo used to do that On Sunday I think it was And he would just go Ice cream Eddie Bravo. You know. Remember when Eddie Bravo used to do that on Sunday after it was? And he would just go ice cream, huge sundaes, pizzas. He would be like Atkins.

Atkins for five days, six days rather. Sometimes he'd go five days. He'd do like two cheat days. But he would be super strict on those Atkins days. Like all salads and meats and, you know, very little carbohydrates other than like natural carbs that would come from fruits or vegetables or things like that. The last day was just donuts and pizza. He'd go off like a rocket.

He didn't give a fuck. He lived for those days. Then he started starting those days at midnight on Thursday. Then it became three days and four. Then it's like, I'm on Atkins one day a week. I do it on Mondays. Atkins is weird, man not nobody really follows that anymore like people would say that it gave him

bad breath and i guess the the idea behind it is if you have no carbs like that your body just starts living off fats and you can do it i guess as long as you like really make sure you have the right amount of fats i tried it for a little, man, and it made me really feel weak. I didn't feel good cutting out potatoes and all that stuff. I think the best I've ever felt with an experimental diet was cutting out gluten. And I know that's a fad thing to say. It's so fad that people don't want to admit it anymore. But the reality is, this is the simple reality. The reality about breads is they break down and become sugar. Pasta becomes sugar. That's the real issue. I think more so than like gluten intolerance and a lot of these other things that people claim. I think the amount of gluten that we have in our diet from sandwiches and

breads and pastas and things along those lines, the amount is like a lot of sugar that goes into your body and that's just not healthy so it just spikes your levels your insulin gets all out of whack it's just not healthy to have a regular sugar intake of processed wheat you know all that that shit that's like a normal part of the american diet yeah it's just not that good for you but you know a little bit every now and then there's no big deal it's's like as long as you eat mostly like healthy foods, you could fuck around a little bit every now and then. Your body's getting all the nutrients it needs and you're just sort of rewarding it with that other stuff. The problem is when people have a diet that's primarily reward and then occasionally they fuck around with some lettuce. Right, right.

You know what I mean? I had a smoothie today, so I'm good yeah fucking people especially if you're working all the time you're tired you know you're at the office I'm just gonna grab some Jack in the Box the way over you getting that fucking you know I'm trying to figure out on the road this is the how do I mean I'm skinny but I'm starting become skinny fat like do you work out? Yeah. You do a little bit? You don't box with anybody anymore? No, no.

You're saying you stopped doing that? I've kind of just, my workouts are, I don't know, I'm kind of bored with them. So I'm trying to figure out what my new thing is. Why don't you get a personal trainer in those towns? You could do that. Find someone at a gym that'll put you through a weightlifting workout. That'll be fun. It'll force you to do it too.

Yeah. I need like a, yeah. Because my new thing was, I'm going to go to the thing, I'm going to do pull-ups, dips, push-ups, and then I'm going to do sprints

and then that's going to be it just in case I ever get arrested that I've started my prison workout. Just because I don't, yeah, I got to figure out something because I'm at that line, you know,

when you go, okay. I think everybody at some point, if you look at them, they look like they've given up. And sometimes that decision is later in their lives where I think I'm teetering at that decision going, I might just give up. It's fun, man. I'm just going to eat donuts and never work out and just I'll be done. What was that book that you gave Bill Burr? Some workout book, body weight workout book?

Yeah, it's just her name is like, it's a weird like Della Rie, R-I-E. Like if you go visual workouts and just type that name. It's called visual workouts? It's a hundred. Her book is like a hundred body weight. She's this Russian chick. But what she does is she has, she calls the workouts like movie titles, like Highlander or Batman.

So then Batman would be like 40 punches, 40 pushups. You know, she has a whole thing. And then you have, do you go through it three times, seven times? So for me, it's just like a fun no-brainer. I can do it in my hotel room. I just turn the page, and she gives away the book for free on her website. Really? You can download the PDFs.

I ordered the book from Amazon because I didn't feel like printing it up on my printer. That's so cool. What's it called again? Visual? Go – hold on. I'm going to look up my – Visual Workouts by Nella Ray. Yeah.

R-E-Y. Yeah. Go check out her website. I watched one video of hers. She's like this Russian chick, and she used to be a fighter. She used to, I think, do... N-E-I-L-A. Yeah.

How do you say that? Yeah. I would say Neil, but it's not a word. Neil Array. Workout Cards by Neil Array. She has a website, N-E-I-L-R-E-Y.com. The book that I- N-E-I-L-A-R-E-Y.com.

So the book that I had, like I said, I just bought it. She gives it away for free, but I didn't feel like printing it all up. Oh, that's cool. Download and print. I love that she's giving it away for free, but I didn't feel like printing it all up. Oh, that's cool. Download and print. I love that she's giving away for free. How cool is she? I think here's her thing where she gives like, you'll see some of these workouts that have 500,000 downloads.

Whoa. And then she has a donate button. And then she goes, I don't try to sell you anything on here if you ever feel like donating. So I think it's a numbers game. She goes, I don't try to sell you anything on here if you ever feel like donating. So I think it's a numbers game. If 500,000 people downloaded her ab challenge and a few of those people go, you know what? I'm going to throw her $20 for giving out. I bet you she does okay.

Yeah. Well, if we're talking about it now, maybe she'll get more. It sounds cool, though. I like that she's doing that. Yeah, like that last one you scored was the pillow one. She has a lot of weird stuff. Pillows? Oh, so you throw knees to the pillow?

Look at one. Pillow strikes? Like you're whacking the wall with a pillow? Pillow lunges? How weird. But she does that with your carry-on luggage, and then she has these other workouts where you just put like four strips you know of tape on the ground and you do a bunch of stuff with that you do so i just page and i pick whatever you know i

flip the book and i like do that like throw a dart and that's pretty dope here's the i love it man it's pretty good stuff i love it and then you can change up the you... I haven't been able to do one of hers more than three times through, because then I get bored. But you could add more challenges to it and stuff. That's interesting, man. I like that she's doing it that way, that she's releasing them for free online and having a PayPal button or something like that.

That's cool. Yeah, if you want to give her five bucks. But she has 90-day challenges where she has one of those visuals. Every day you do something. So she gives you these crazy huge. Is that her? Yeah.

I don't know what she's doing there. Oh, that's the. That seems wrong. 2,250 push-ups in seven days. Oh, my God. Don't let her choke you. She probably has a fucking tremendous choke. Yeah, she used to do, I think she was a kickboxer in jujitsu or something because she has a lot of fighting.

Body weight exercises, man, just yoga. You know, I have a yoga book that I bring with me sometime on the road, and I also have yoga cards. And I just deal myself like 10 cards and go through these 10 different poses and do them for like a 90 count. I like hold each pose for a 90 count. We do like an iPad one. Oh, yeah. There's a couple. My wife, we do yoga every night.

I started with DDP yoga. DDP's good. That was my first thing. I go, okay, I'm going to do yoga with you. Explain DDP. People don't know what you're talking about. DDP is Diamond Dallas Page from Wrestling Fame. He has this yoga that he created it was

originally called like every guy yoga because the whole thing is it's not like artsy fartsy yoga mama's yoga yeah exactly that yeah yeah and then but when you watch him he like actually his instructions really cool it's not you do like hulk out so you do like raise of the sky then hulk it out and then you just go and you do and then you stretch like so you the sky, then hulk it out. And then you just go. And then you stretch. So you have the whole. And it's hard. Oh, it's definitely hard. A lot of them, I have to go to a knee and go, okay.

And then you keep doing it for a couple weeks. You're like, okay, now I can hold. I think yoga out of, I mean, I'm not an expert at all. But I think if you stick with yoga consistently your whole life you're gonna be like sting you know at the end where you're not gonna bust the hip when you're like 90 you know i mean it's definitely something that's a lot more difficult to do than people think it is oh i can't it's a really good work i can't do hardly anything it's unbelievable how unflexible i am well yoga is just it's a lot more difficult than people think it is it's like it seems like it

would be easy to do. Like all those Indian dudes are all skinny, you know, and you look at chicks are all doing it. You're like, well, this isn't going to be like fucking running up a mountain. But yeah, it is in its own way. My wife's mom, how old is she? I don't know. I don't want to upraise. But late 60s, maybe even 70s Japanese woman.

upraised, but late 60s, maybe even 70s Japanese woman. She puts her hands like that and they can go perfectly straight up, just holding like... That's incredible. Yeah, she's 70. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. As long as you keep using it, man. Look at fucking Stallone.

I mean, that's the most ridiculous example ever of a grampy. He's like 67, 68 years old, I think. At least. How old is that dude now 68 years old, I think, at least. How old is that dude now? Oh, he's got to be at least. I would say he's 68, right? Let's say 68.

I'd say 72. 72? I think he's 72. Well, he's going to be eventually if he stays alive. But when people are like, oh, he's got to get off those steroids. Like, what are you talking about? He's 68. He's 68.

Yeah, he is. I mean, it's ridiculous. The idea that if somehow or another he got off of them like what he's gonna like live long hair yeah 70 years he's gonna outrun i'm doing all that stuff when i'm i don't know i think i'm gonna give myself a couple more years and then i'll figure i can outrun all the side effects well he broke his neck when he was filming the Expendables. And he was like 65 years old. He fucking fell like they were doing some stunt and landed on his fucking neck and snapped his neck. And he's got discs that are fused in his neck. He put up an x-ray online that showed it.

It's the craziest shit ever. He's got a fused disc in his neck and he's 67, 68 years old. What the fuck, man? Like when we were kids, a 68-year-old dude was basically dead. Right. You know? Yeah, yeah. He was like barely hanging on.

And when they come up with, have you seen that thing they're doing with mice? That gene doping? No, no, no, no. Blood. Just blood. They're taking the mice of young mice and introducing it to old mice putting in an old mouse's body and the old mouse starts Literally going back in time like yeah, and they've started they've started doing clinical trials with people and they're having positive results Any transfusions, but here's the thing. There was an episode of,

God damn, I quote this website, this podcast all the time, but I'm not their publicist or anything. I just really think it's awesome. Radiolab. Radiolab is one of the best podcasts. It's amazing. So informative and interesting.

It's like the sound effects, like really well engineered. It's like the opposite of like how we do it. We just start and we fuck around, we talk and then we end it with radio lab everything's planned out it's all really like well edited and researched and they bring in different sound effects and different people and they have anyway they had this one on blood and the reality of like blood donating and that they sell your blood and a lot of the blood that you donate doesn't ever go to patients and a lot of it um doesn't go like if

you donate blood they're actually going to sell your donated blood to other hospitals for a profit yeah it's crazy it's really crazy if you i'm trying to remember the episode here i'll google what you said radio lab yeah radio lab episode on blood i'll google that real quick you always wondered about that because i used to give plasma like twice a week just to make money. And I always wondered if this was sold or just I was donating it. It never really made sense that I was getting money for this. Yeah, it's called Blood. And I think this one deals with AIDS as well because there was a guy who had HIV and he was doing some art with his blood

and he got labeled a terrorist. I think it's one of the same ones, but it's really interesting. I think that's the episode. Like what stuff? I mean, that's season 12. Radio Labs had 12 seasons? My God. What stuff's going to be ready for you know to go back in time a little

by the time let's say add 20 years from now so i'll be 40 50 i'll be in i'll be in my 60s but i'm hoping by then they'll have something go yeah this is a new yeah we figure out how to take your gums and yeah you know well what they're doing is apparently they're, you know, you can take blood out of people and you can donate it. And your body can produce extra blood. Like if you take blood out, your body replenishes that blood. And if you get a bunch of people to do that and they sell that blood, and say if they're young, you get like a bunch of college kids to do that to their blood,

and then you take this 20-year-old's blood and they introduce it to your body. Your body like literally reverses the aging process. Your memory starts working better. And then conversely, when you take old blood and you pour it into a young kid's body, they start getting sluggish. That's the thing. They're not doing that with people, but they are doing that. Maybe they are. Maybe they are doing it to people because they did it with mice.

I mean, I don't think it would hurt them necessarily physically, but it might. Who knows? We found out it gave kids fucking Alzheimer's early or something crazy. Wow. But they're taking old blood with mice and they're introducing it to the young mice and it fucks them up. That sounds like a scary movie where eventually we start harvesting 20-year-olds. So it's kind of like Logan's Run. Yeah. scary movie where eventually we start harvesting 20 year olds so it's kind of like logan's run yeah in the sense of you can live until you're 20 but during 20 through 30 your harvest and maybe some guy doesn't want to be harvested so he hides and runs well they're gonna be able to call it the

harvest they're gonna be able to make artificial uh organs if they haven't already they already can make artificial bladders i know that they've taken skin cells and they've created an artificial bladder. If they make artificial organs, they're eventually going to move from that to an artificial body without a head. They're going to have your fucking body, like an exact version of your body with no head, and they'll be able to take stuff from it,

take lungs. Yeah, they just did with a 3D printer. Which I'm going to get so bad, but I don't know what I would print. It's one of those things, and you like man it would be i saw some kid 3d printed because i follow 3d printing whatever on twitter so they always like tweet you know some kid 3d printed a laser engraver for 50 bucks so this laser engraver was like a couple thousand dollars he printed it on a 3d printer made it out of plastic and then he engraves metal or whatever for some company

that he just does out of his garage but he's like that's why i want a 3d printer you can print anything i just it would just sit there like a stairmaster not be used like i wouldn't know but they sell it at uh the office depot they have this uh thing you put down and you can put an object and then it takes a 3d pictures like right that's like 2 000 bucks and then the 3d printer is you know and it's plastic it makes it a plastic yeah but now they have all this different stuff you can do it for food now like pastas you can create but or plastic or wood like they're coming what the that's the future of olive garden or restaurants you're just the whole kitchen's just going to be printed like

you order it and it's going i want the three to print anything you anything that busts in here dude you could just 3d print and remake i bet it's the future of objects themselves i bet we're no longer gonna have gonna have stores just gonna download the plans for something like on itunes there's a you don't have to look up the video, but there's the 3D printed house. You know, this huge thing that just comes and builds, completely prints a house. Yeah, I've seen that. It's nuts. And then I saw my wife was looking at a shoe one where a company, exactly what you said,

go, here's your shoes. And then you go, I want purple. I need a night shoe because I'm going out. And you get the pair of shoes. It's printed. This is like we're making it out like it's a big deal, but 10 years from now it's going to be like, duh. That's what they did, stupid.

Remember when we figured out smoke signals? John Heffron, we're out of time. It was a pleasure. Always a pleasure, my brother. It was great seeing you The other night too What dare you How dare you get needy

What Your Your Twitter handle is At John Heffron J-O-H-N-H-E-F-F-R-O-N And website is John Heffron dot com Facebook slash

John Heffron Anything pretty much John Heffron Powerful John Heffron And where are you performing this weekend? I am at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. Oh, that's right. We're in Phoenix.

This weekend, yeah. You going to come down to the fights for a little bit on Saturday? If I can, I have a 7.30 show, and I know you have a show Friday night. I'm at the Celebrity Theater with Tony Hinchcliffe and Ian Edward. Oh, no? No. Yeah, Ari. Yeah, this is Ari.

Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari. Yeah, this is Ari. Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari Shafir this Friday night. Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe tonight. Oh, tomorrow night. Tomorrow night

at the Ice House. So Wednesday at the Ice House, Ian Edwards, Tony Hinchcliffe, Saturday, or Friday is the show at the Celebrity Theater

in Phoenix. Saturday is the UFC in Phoenix. So come down, hang out. Yeah, man. JohnHeffron.com H-E-F-F-R-O-N. You got any shows coming up, Brian?

Friday, Ice House. We're having a benefit show at the Comedy Store, December 17th. And all the money that we raised from it is going to pay for a new sound system for the Belly Room. Really? Oh, that's fantastic. So I'm organizing this big thing to help the Belly Room. Glorious.

Glorious. Alright, my All right, my friends. Much love. We'll see you soon. Oh, we were supposed to have Justin the Viking ran on this week, but he might have to cancel. He just got back from Africa and he's sick. So he's like, I want to take a, you know, come back next week. I'm like, yes, next week. Very good.

Next week. Jamie, you work that one. All right. Love you guys. See week. Very good. Next week. Jamie, you work that one. All right. Love you guys. See you soon. Bye.