The Joe Rogan Experience - #586 - Kill Tony Cast - Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Weinshenk & Kimberly Congdon

Episode Date: December 11, 2014

Kill Tony is a podcast on the Deathsquad.tv network. A show created by Tony Hinchcliffe and Redban, where young comedians do 1-minute of stand up to be judged by weekly guests. Every episode also features two regulars doing a brand new minute each week, Kimberly Congdon and Sara Weinshenk.

the Joe Rogan experience oh hello sweet bitches that's right we're back with the cast of kill Tony the Matt what would you be the composer what's a maestro the maestro of kill Tony young Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you. Hello. Young and beautiful Sarah Weinschenk. And young and beautiful Kimberly Congdon.

Hi there. Hello, everybody. Yeah. If you guys don't know the show, it's a podcast on the Death Squad podcast network where these two gals courageously, for over a year, have done a whole new minute of stand-up every week which takes fucking mad testicles that you don't possess it's not courage intestinal fortitude um but my point is you guys you guys did something that i don't think anybody's ever done in that you've documented your entire stand-up comedy career right is it true both of you, all of your sets were on it? Or did any of you do sets before that?

I did sets before. You did sets before. You did all of your sets on the show. Yeah, my first night at the Comedy Store was my... My first night going up was on Kill Tony. That is so crazy. Yeah. That's so crazy.

And you've been doing that for how long now? About a year and four months now. Every week. Is that your first time ever on stage right there? No. Is that me? That's us a few weeks ago. Is that Sarah or Kim?

I can't see. It's all blurry. It's Sarah. It's Dave Attell and Jimmy Schubert. Powerful Sarah. Look at you up there. Look at those pants. That's a chick.

I love those pants. No girl would ever look at a picture of herself and go, God, I love those pants no girl would ever look at a picture of herself I love those pants or no dude rather point being if I had to go back and watch my old stand-up comedy I'd probably throw up I'd probably have a heart attack I'd probably like oh my god I'll never be able to do this like I suck so hard I'll never be able to make it but you you you fucking ballsy chicks have done I can't I need a better word it. But you fucking ballsy chicks have done, I need a better word than ballsy. Ballsy chicks.

It's true, though. It is ballsy, whatever it is. I mean, you guys have fucking done some crazy shit. I mean, doing that in front of every, like every week, doing a whole new minute of stand-up comedy. Yeah, it takes a lot. It's hard.

And especially now, we're getting into like over 80 weeks. And so you're like squeezing out every little bit of anything funny that happens. Do you go back and like capture your, the stuff that you did on the earlier episodes and try to turn it into like a longer bit? Well, sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll listen to the older ones and I'll be like, what else can I talk about and make new like tags?

And I'll just use those tags as my new joke. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I totally get it. Kill Tony is a podcast that Tony Hinchcliffe started with Brian, and you guys figured out a really delicious plan, and it's have comics go up for a minute, just a minute. You do a minute of stand-up, and then you have pros just either say, hey, that was really funny, like that Bullets and Bricks guy.

We were like, hey, that was fucking good fucking good shit dude you could really be a comic like you're a comic work at this and you could be a comic or you know like some people like oh my god what was this craziness that i just saw right and you get a chance to see like the professional comics fuck with these people or you know get excited about seeing someone who's funny yeah it's like if you hang out in the back of the original room a lot where you know normal stand-up comedy takes place or any comedy club you'll always see a bunch of comedians in the back either standing around or sitting down and they're always whispering something in each other's ears and i always thought found that that to be some of the most interesting stuff is getting you know more pros comedian perspective on what's happening

in front of them sometimes they're like this person's going to be a star. And sometimes it's like, wow, I can't believe this guy didn't iron his shirt before coming out. And that wide range of conversation that happens between experienced comedians watching newer comedy is always entertaining. And I figured, how do we turn that into a spontaneous podcast that is refillable so people sign up and there's a big bucket and people get a new minute some people travel all from around we've had we just had somebody on that traveled from scotland to do kill tony for his first time on stage we've had australia every week and somebody knew so people like literally rather than doing a bigger set somewhere else they'll purposefully start on Kill Tony

because they listened to that show and that's what made them realize or gave them the inspiration that they'd like to at least try to do this thing that they've always inside wanted to do. So it's really fun getting to give people that opportunity and have them be excited about it and inspired. It's fun to do, too.

I did it with Dom Herrera, and we had the fucking best time it was so much fun and i think that one of the things that i've been thinking about lately like because i did my special and i threw out all my material and i'm starting on with all new material i have to write a lot i'm just like in this like frantic frenzied mode one of the things that's really good is like watching other people sort of like try to piece it together and then talking about like what was wrong with that why didn't that like what's and in doing that you kind of do some stuff that you ordinarily probably

don't do much with your stand-up like a lot of comics they record their sets very few listen to those sets right most guys just record them and then just go fuck that and just and just keep going for whatever reason but when you're forced to analyze your stuff like I did you know Ari has that podcast the skeptic tank and every now and then he'll do an episode with a comic and I'll play a CD and you have to go over the CD and I went over the CD and as I was going over I was like thinking about all kinds of it was an old CD I hadn't listened to it in like six years and as I was listening to I was like there's like a lot of shit in here I'd do different or now I see how I did that

then oh I just do that better like I had this you know and you start thinking like you can actually listen if you listen yourself from six years ago you can actually listen to yourself like as an outsider like I know that it's me I recognize the voice but I barely remember the material because it's so long ago yeah about a month ago buddy came up to me or not even a buddy it was just a random guy and he goes man i saw you like five or six years ago you did that one joke about this thing and i totally forgot that i did it completely and i got so excited because i hadn't heard had anybody on kill tony or another comedian came up with this premise i would have, that's a great premise,

by the way, just want to let you know, I love what you're doing with the blank and blank thing. You know what I mean? And it, I was so excited because it was like, he gave me this gift that was just something that I did anyway, that I didn't remember that I did from five or six years ago.

But that crazy enough is the joke that he remembered me from this open mic from. So it was amazing because yeah, the perspective is different. The joke that I do now off that thing is totally different because I came with a fresher, more educated, I'm more knowledgeable of who I am, so I know how I really want to do that joke

that the fresh me wrote the premise for. Right, right, right. That's interesting, man. Yeah. That's really cool. I've had that happen a couple times where people come to you and they remind you of a bit, and then you're like, oh, shit.

Or sometimes, you know, I listen to probably half of my recordings. I don't listen to all of them, but I'm pretty diligent. If I know that I got a bunch of new stuff out, I'll listen to it. But every now and then I'll listen to one and I'll go, oh, I forgot that. Oh, my goodness, I forgot that part. And that part, like, makes everything way better. Exactly. Or that part takes it in another direction.

Yeah. Every little thing that you can add on, once you're already in a topic, it's a huge gift. Because not only is it just one show, but once it's ingrained in the actual thing, that means thousands and thousands of people are all going to have that

laugh yeah I mean every show once it's part of the thing and especially it only gets better so once it's really working yeah they become like little living organisms and the more you feed them and more attention you give them the bigger they grow and sometimes you have to abandon them like sometimes like oh this one's just bad it's just that it's down a bad road I don't know how to do this right I got bits that never made it to cds never made specials and they sometimes they killed and sometimes they didn't and sometimes i just don't know what the fuck i was doing with them yeah you know and you let go i don't want to do this anymore so just like i'm not married to this

just because i've been doing it like you just gotta abandon them that's what makes it so crazy what you girls are doing yeah because you guys are going up and you're doing a fresh minute every week because you don't get like a developmental cycle when you're putting together a fresh minute every week. You're just hoping that your ideas are good when you get up there. Mm-hmm. I mean, are you doing your sets like a couple days before you do Kill Tony? When do you write your stuff out?

Go ahead. I write mine all week. Like I just write down jokes as much as I can all week. And then I try to work them out before. But sometimes I just pick one and then I just build on it. When you go on that podcast and you know that it's live and it's on the internet and then you're just going up with this shit that you hope might work, like what is that feeling like?

It's so scary. Well, Sarah, Sarah does hers a week before. And a lot of the times I write mine, like the day I'm going in, I write it. And you know what? Most, a lot of the times when I write mine the day of are the ones that do really, really well because then I'm not as nervous and it comes out more natural. And that's another thing I've learned on Kill Tony. Just mostly like stage presence is a

huge thing because you have the live audience too right you know so it's not like you're just doing a minute on just a podcast what do you think that means like what does stage presence mean oof that's an interesting one because it means different things to different people right like what exactly does that mean for me it just means like looking confident and where I don't not having the audience be uncomfortable watching you. Right, yeah. Yeah, that's a big one. That's a big one.

When you watch someone, you know they're nervous up there. You're like, yikes, calm down, dude. Yeah, and that's what's really cool is the live audience watches the show and they see names being randomly pulled out of a bucket with 20 or 30 comedians waiting to run from the top and come down the stairs and be on the show. They're going from an audience member to a comedian to a podcast guest and then thrown back out in the ballet room again.

So it's also so cool because these two always go on at the end of each show. And every time, especially even this last episode we just had, the last comedian that I pulled out of the bucket before I knew I was going to that part, it was an unbelievable interview. Probably one of the biggest, longest interviews we ever had. We found out that this kid is living in some big producer's house by being half gay and half teasing him with things and being cute around the house but the producer's letting him live in this around the house it's unbelievable

this big producer's letting him live in this mansion we found out all this stuff and you think that nothing can follow that but what really does follow it and it even surprised me because i'm like man i hope that that that it goes how it normally goes, is they come in, even though that was crushing, I had to send them off and go, all right, well, this is the part of the show where our two regulars go up. And sure enough, right when you thought it couldn't get any better, they just own it with exactly that thing, which is that comfortable, all of a sudden the audience is seeing these two assassins who do this every week and they can feel it not only did they hear me say it before when i bring them up but they you can really feel it because

if they couldn't feel it then they would just go wow these two you know i mean the g's they do this every week but instead it makes it's always the best way to close the show it wasn't always that way by the way and that's what really the coolest part is about this whole documenting thing in my opinion is that yeah maybe some of the sets weren't the best or this or that but they're you know not only does the audience get to watch the overall growth for the ones which is the many a lot of the diehard fans so many of them you know talk about that when they see me like in toronto and we just did a theater a few weeks ago with this show. So many people were like,

getting to watch Kim and Sarah go from how they were to these monsters. It's pretty much a guarantee that you're going to hear a brand new set of jokes that is pretty good and is going to be a part of something

bigger eventually so they get the first look at it which is cool yeah what you guys are doing is like you're you're coming up with new shit like that's like the hardest part of comedy is coming up with new shit and you're coming up with new shit like as fast as anybody is like a minute a week it's about as fast as anybody can do it like if you you get lucky like every now and then you'll hit like a five minute streak like you got a new chunk and it's five minutes long. You're like, oh, I hit a gold mine. And you start pulling bits out of it or pulling tag lines and premises and sidelines.

Then you'll have one that's like fucking 15 seconds or one that's 20 seconds. You're like, ugh. You can't get a minute. If you have to get a minute every week and a minute that you're going to stand by and it's going to be on the internet, oh, good luck. I think me and Sarah have gotten pretty solid at knowing exactly what a minute is too. I mean, we end on what? 58, 57? That part's crazy too.

Now they're the only two. You know, everybody else, you'll hear the meow of a kitty at 60 seconds to let them know their time's up. They'll just crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush, crush and say goodnight. And I look down at the lower left where Brian has the clock and it always is 57, 58, 59, 60. Like they know exactly. I know exactly what a minute is because I take a lift now and they're like, you need one minute to get outside. And they'll call me and I'm like, oh, I know I have 20 seconds left.

Like I know a minute. That's hilarious. Does that help at all in bed? Yeah. I know. Exactly. The dude's like, I gave you 30 minutes of fury. 33.

Bitch, that was seven and a half minutes. Exactly. And you're like, I gave you 30 minutes of fury. 33. And you're like, bitch, that was seven and a half minutes. Exactly. And you're like, I know seven and a half minutes. Yeah. Well, it's also crazy doing, like, a longer set afterward. Like, because I'm so used to these minutes. So, like, going back and, like, just everything's just tighter. Yeah, I was going to ask that.

Like, what is it like doing, like, what's the longest you guys have done? Like, 25. Oh, wow. What longest you guys have done? Like 25. Oh, wow. What about you? 20? 20, 25? And both of you, you've been doing it a little over a year, and you've been doing it how long? Close to three.

Close to three years. So 20, 25 minutes that you would like, would you put it on a comedy special? Would you guys consider doing a comedy special? I wouldn't put 20 minutes on a comedy special right now. I'm comfortable with 15 minutes. I think I have a good 15 minutes. That's Brian's idea, actually, to release 15-minute specials. Yeah.

Like every two months, release a 15-minute special. And then in eight months, you'll have an hour special. That's true. Yeah. And then, yeah. Increments of comedy. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not a bad idea. Yeah. increments of comedy yeah yeah it's not a bad idea yeah and the other cool thing with their thing is that they get to be in front of those comedians oh yeah you know we've met so many people yeah it's so cool to get their perspectives too well the comedy store since i've been gone has grown like immeasurably it's amazing it's such a different environment there like you guys had always said it was a different environment then I started doing sets there I was like whoa this is so different like the new management staff and the new regime running it they are so on the ball it's like someone figured

out that there's this fucking gold mine on sunset and a professional management team started handling it I mean that's what it's like it's like a real comedy club now except it's still still flooded with maniacs. It's crazy. When I got there, which was right after you weren't there, just a couple months after, a lot of those rooms were dark, sitting there dark. Especially, take last night, for example, where that main room's just packed to the gills and there's shows going on. The belly room would sit dark most nights and the main room especially would

sit completely dark it was just this giant 400 and whatever seat room that you'd have to walk through to go get the ladder to put new names on the sign or whatever and that's what it was known as like that's what was happening but now every night and there's those these cool shows that are coming out same thing with roast battle on tuesday. That show's insane. Tuesday at midnight, that changed to like 70 people's sleep schedules. People wake up late on Wednesdays now because of that show. That was the show that brought me back.

I went to see that the night before Ari taped a special there. And the camaraderie and the fun in the air, I was like, oh my God, this is like nothing else. This place is like nothing else on earth. And I just decided, why am I not coming here anymore like this is stupid yeah it just became ridiculous like it's really obvious it's not the same place it's just there's this weird vibe there this chaos there like you're doing a midnight show okay and this place is

packed with people and they're just dissing each other and when they're dissing each other people are jumping out of stands and jeremiah watkins and all his buddies they have all these different antics that they do in between it's fucking hilarious and while i was there i was like wow i can't even believe this this is really good like what an environment like if you could feel like the i want to say like the creativity the the realness the you could feel the authenticity of the comics that we're all hanging out there and it's all just for us yeah anybody's getting paid for that or anything like we're all just trying to crack each other up everybody's playing their their role and

like you said when Jeremiah and Jamar neighbors like on separated those two guys are monsters but when Jeremiah and Jamar get, like separated, those two guys are monsters. But when Jeremiah and Jamar get near each other, they try to outdo each other. We always talk about how they're a modern day Pryor and Gene Wilder. Like there's something about when those two, they have to out goofy each other. Right, right, right. But when they're together and they're close, they've been doing comedy together for years, being goofballs. But now they finally have a field where they can showcase it.

Dude, people forget about those prior Gene Wilder movies, okay? Those movers were goddamn sensational. At the time, they were like the best comedy team ever. And for whatever reason, it doesn't get discussed that much. Like, I enjoyed the shit out of those movies. I don't know how they hold up today. Have you seen one recently? It's been a long time yeah i would wonder it sucks when like stuff that you really liked like i watched altered states you know that movie altered states about the guy who turns into a

monkey in a sensory deprivation tank it's william hurt you never saw that it was awesome in 1981 in 2014 you fucking just giggle through it you're like what kind of a piece of shit am I watching this is so fucking stupid and like I have such great reverence for Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder I would hate to watch

something that they did and not enjoy it the new Beverly Cinema theater right around the corner from where I live that Quentin Tarantino owns is actually playing

two Richard Pryor specials back to back in a double feature when it's I think Friday December 19th you can look it up is actually playing two Richard Pryor specials back-to-back in a double feature. When? It's, I think, Friday, December 19th. You can look it up. NewBevCinema.com. If I'm home, I want to go to that.

Yeah. That sounds amazing. Imagine that in a movie theater. $8 double feature. They do $2 popcorn, $1 sodas. Why is Quentin Tarantino so cool? It's unbelievable. I have a theory.

Have you seen him in person? Yes. The size of his head. I have a theory. Have you seen him in person? Yes. The size of his head. No, no, I've never seen him in person. Live in person? Whatever he's capturing in movies and stuff, the angle on his head is to make it look not as big as it is. When you see him in real life.

Hey, let's not diss his head. No, I'm telling you. The reason why he's so cool is because he has four times the brain matter that anybody else does. Do you think that's what it is? It cannot be coincidence. His head is twice as big as anybody else's in this room. I'm talking like that, Joe.

So you think there's just more matter in there? I just find it hard to believe that it's coincidence that the guy with the biggest head that I've ever seen is also the... The genius. Yeah. He's also like, he morphs into the people that he's around. Have you ever seen that? He was on the Howard Stern show once and he was interviewed and he was talking one way

and then he was on this all black show and he was being interviewed and you were just like, oh no. He was so bad. I mean, he fucking hammed it up so hard that I was like holding on to my pants pockets. You were cringing. Like, no, don't do this. Pull it out.

Pull it out. Start talking white again. Start talking white again. But I mean, he was like, yeah. So we was doing this thing. I mean, it's so ridiculous. Have you seen it? No.

You want to see it? Yeah. Pull it up, Brian. Because it's so ridiculous i guess we'll watch it on this thing so we don't get pulled from youtube take a shot if you're playing the drinking game the podcast pulled from youtube um but and again all due respect to quentin tarantino i don't know the most respect maybe that's what he really talks like and he can only be free around black people around Around us white people, he has to square it up because we just don't understand.

You guys don't get it. I just love the fact that he's so into film too. You know, he was talking about that, about like doing things on actual film and the look of film. Well, that's why he's making the lineups now at this theater. Like he's owned the theater for years.

That's always been a thing. Like it's like, hey, that's Quentin Tarantino's theater. But a few months ago, he went in, and the guy, I guess, that was managing it or whatever put in a new projector. And he goes, what's this state-of-the-art projector? And the guy's like, yeah, cool, right?

And he's like, not cool. You're done. Goodbye. I'm making the lineups now. You're out of here. Something to that effect. And so he makes the actual, like, the movies that play these double features at his theater now are the movies that he would want to see. So does he, like, edit them and splice them and stuff like that and put them in the reels?

Like, is it one of those reel-to-reel things? Like the old school ones? He doesn't go reel-to-reel. He puts a five-minute intermission, an old-school thing that says five-minute intermission, pops up. And then he puts the other second reel on. Right. Whoa.

And these are all the movies that inspired him, and there's probably little things that he uses, pays homage to and things. And another cool thing is the previews. Before these movies are the previews for other other of his movie for other movies that are playing there later that month so you get to see the cool like 1980 preview for blank and blank like whatever you get to see i saw one when i went to see unbreakable a couple weeks ago uh for this richard pryor live and the previews for richard pryor live the ones that played are

insane you would never believe these so different than any type of promo what do you mean like in what way oh god now that's something you have to see to believe like it's just it i can't remember exactly but it's just crazy if you look up like the trailer for a richard prior live i think the one for the sunset strip like i can't remember exactly what's happening but i remember thinking if anybody did a promo for their special like this was done it would be all the talk

okay I don't know what you mean though like in what way how high are you right now here's the Quentin Tarantino talking like black people okay connect your thoughts Tony he's known for his unconventional style Quentin Tarantino talking like black people. Connect your thoughts, Tony. Make me laugh. Make me laugh.

He's known for his unconventional style. Oh, no. When it comes to filmmaking, 106 and Park, please welcome writer, director, and Academy Award winner, Quentin Tarantino. Let's welcome him. All right. And now, that film has to be like one of the most quoted movies in Hollywood, with just the lines and everything, so you gotta give us, this is my question for you QGIS, what is the most famous line, your favorite line from Pulp Fiction?

I think probably the most famous line is, I'm gonna get medieval on your ass That wasn't too bad or pleasing the critics for you interesting question actually Well, I want to I want to please my fans and I want to please the critics that are my fans The critics hate my fans. i don't give a damn wow that hurts my liver what he's really doing is is fulfilling his vision you know this he's a visionary director for us to to have the opportunity to work with now i'm not that computer savvy so if he had sent me something that I plug into my computer, I don't know if I would have ever heard it. All right, hey, download this. I don't know how to do that.

For all I know, he might have been doing a character. He might have just said, you know, I hate doing these fucking shows. I'm just going to see how black I can get before somebody stabs me. I was going to say, it almost sounds like he's mocking them. Yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. I think he's just probably, you know, a very unusual dude.

So he put it on a cassette tape. Oh. My man. Yeah, yeah. All right. Goes to the BET Awards. Comes back with Rick Ross. Look at Samuel Jackson's face.

Rick Ross in the hole. That is not the same expression he has during those Capital One ads dude he is eating shit right there he's like what Jamie Jamie Foxx looks high as fuck that might have just been froze there but he looks high as fuck well what happened was is that... Bad men. A hundred black grades so I can lay their ass in.

I need a hundred black preachers with a black sermon. Go over to Carrie with my little taper going to play it. My own, my own, my own. That's in the movie. Okay, we don't have to...

And Anthony Hamilton. We don't have to keep beating this guy up over this one unfortunate incident. There's a few fortunate incidents. There's a few of them out there. Listen, he's a beautiful director. I'm happy he's alive.

I love his fucking movies. I'll tell you that, man. That dude makes some gangster movies. His movies are fun as shit. If Reservoir Dogs, if I'm flipping the channels, Reservoir Dogs come on, you know, on cable, just randomly, I get very excited. Yeah. It's one of those classics where just randomly, I get very excited. Yeah. It's one of those classics

where you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. That's a goddamn classic movie. Yeah. Pulp Fiction, it's one of the best movies ever. Totally.

I remember when I went to see it, I was like, this is, it was like, it was so next level, I left the theater, I was shaking my head, like,

this motherfucker just broke movies. He just figured out to make a movie where you go back in time and forward in time and you're following it all and everyone's getting shot in the fucking head and it's like whoa it's the greatest movie ever if i had to pick like one movie is my favorite movie of all time i think pulp fiction would be on a very short list definitely yeah it's so goddamn good it's non-stop i love kill bills i love to kill bills he slaps don't don't just

shit that's a great video though made a few errors in this time you've seen this video no play okay this is a him slapping a reporter what's going on here put that down what's going on here what Put that down. What's going on here? What are you doing? What are you doing? Can you not talk to me just for us just for the what are you doing? Hey, don't do that. Don't do that again Go what hit me go go go for go for no, I go go go go go for I can go for it Yeah, go hit me. Go you I ain't gonna go for it. Go, go, go, go! Go for it! No, I ain't gonna go for it. Yeah, go. You hear me? Go! You start it.

Oh, I'm starting it? Yeah. Are you... Oh, you... So you're not just a guy from around here, you're actually a paparazzi guy? Nah, I can't do it. Yeah, you know you can do it. He's so cool. Yeah, because you're filming.

Yeah. But if that was off, I'd be whipping your ass up and down the street. Yeah, go. No. Oh, man. What a weird incident. Why is Quentin Tarantino just walking around? Exactly.

Where is he? How crazy is Quentin Tarantino? He's in Russia trying to buy coffee. It's one of those cold film festivals. What the fuck is that? It's so weird. It's one of those film festivals that is in the freezing cold. That is a weird way to approach a dude like Quentin Tarantino.

Just stick a fucking camera in his face. That was an awkward argument, too. He was like, nah, never mind. Just walked away with his coffee. He's a dialogue-driven guy. So when that guy didn't answer his, what are you filming? You watch the switch. And he goes, what is this? And he's still dialogue driven guy. So when that guy didn't answer his, what are you filming? You watch the switch. And he goes from, what is this?

And he's still normal to that guy not answering. And his eyes just, he loses it. Well, there's also that weird moment when he's trying to play it cool when the guy's going, come on, go for it. He's like, eh, I don't think. Because you could feel the tension between the two of them. They just had a physical altercation. But he's still trying to maintain social calmness. It's very weird, right?

Watching conflict is fucking weird. It's always weird, because you can sense how you would be in that situation. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's why people love drama. They love feeling it without having to be a part of it. That's why people love movies that are fucking crazy dramatic as long as they end happily People get like super bummed when movies don't end right because part of us when you watch the movie

You're somehow another invested in these people that you're following. You know, that's why when they get into conflict It's so exciting even though you know, it's bullshit. But when you see real conflict like that, there's something weirdly exciting about it. It's a thrill. It's like a sick thrill. Yeah, it is a sick thrill. It's awful. It fucking makes you tingle. Imagine seeing Tarantino during a blizzard.

After an argument. He helped you get out of a fucking snowbank. Did you ever see Death Proof, the one where Kurt Russell plays a stuntman that's a serial killer with his stunt car? No. Is that a Tarantino movie?

Yeah, but what happened was... Was that one of those Grindr movies? Yeah, when they made the double feature, Rodriguez's movie went first and Tarantino's went second, and it's tough to follow

an hour and a half long Rodriguez action movie, and that's what happened, and they put it out as a modern day double feature, but it's sort of buried this movie that Tarantino made, you know, and it's very Tarantino and very cool and almost completely sort of

unknown about compared to his other movies. Wow. What's it called? Death proof. Yeah. Kurt Russell. I didn't see those movies because I just like, I saw the commercials and for whatever reason,

I never got around to seeing them yeah, it looked like it might be fun to watch but I Don't know man going to the movies can be so brutal. Yeah, you're just risking people not talking You know you're risking it and it happens it happens every other time every other time we go to the movie Someone's just having a fucking conversation the rappers and the popcorn. I don't understand how popcorn became the fucking movie thing. It's the loudest food. It should be like Jell-O. Yeah, exactly.

It should be Jell-O or milkshakes or something. Popcorn is just... It's true. And the bag and everything about popcorn is loud. Popcorn is like turkey. Like, how the fuck did it become King of Thanksgiving? Right. I mean, is there any real

evidence those motherfuckers were eating turkeys no like why is it this one food they may have been eating popcorn for all we know well their corn was like goofy back then yeah you know you ever see what old corn looks like like non-gmo corn it's one of the things people like oh gmo fucking scared gmo if you like look at what GMO actually is like not not just like changing the you know these plants so that they they can deal with pesticides better and doing they do a lot of weird shit today that's like super scientific gene splicing type shit but genetically modifying like everything that we eat is like modified they've like selectively bred everything that we like corn used to be this scrappy little fucking dainty thing and now it's these

big-ass Iowa ears of you know all those like our tomatoes all of our apples like all that stuff's been engineered you know it hasn't all been done in a lab but it's all been like we've they've made these crops like very in a specific manner so that they have a higher yield did you ever see king corn no everybody should see that movie it's a freak out cow holes is the best part in it when they show that big hole on the side of a cow and they're just reaching in there that's on that's in food ink too yeah you have that in food ink as well like the whenever they um want to talk about like feeding cattle grain they always show these cows and have these open i don't know what

exactly they're doing but they have these open hole where you could literally reach into the cow's stomach so they have a hole in the outside of their body and you can reach your hand into that hole and actually pull the food out of this cow's stomach do they develop abscesses sometimes from eating grains and eating things that like their body just doesn't want to process and then they're they're they're pumping them filled with fucking antibiotics they're just jacking their system up and these fucking cows like if you if you watch this video and you see this this hole in the cow or like you're looking into its stomach you're like what is wrong with people

like what are we doing like what how do you how is this okay like how is it okay to have a hole in the cow's side where you could reach your hand in and just like it's it's that fucked up that it's like its stomach is outside of its body see if you could pull that up just so we could see it these guys haven't seen it and what does that do it it makes they do it to treat the cows because the cows start getting i think they do it for different reasons but i think one of the main ones is that when these cows are eating grains and they're getting sick they develop these abscesses in their body and um i think that's what it is with cows see that's that hole that hole. That's where the cow's stomach is. That looks like a joke or something. Like Photoshop.

Yeah. It's like one of those things you put coins in. Right. And it spins around the edges. I should know the whole reason why they do it. But it's one of the main reasons why people are propulsing. Look, he's got his hand in that, guys. Look at that.

Oh, my goodness. It's one of the main reasons why people are trying to go back to grass-fed beef. If you have grass-fed beef, it's not going to be as juicy. It's not going to be as fat. It's not going to be like when you cook a ribeye, like a corn-fed ribeye. Oh my goodness. They're just crackling with fat, and it's so good. But that animal's sick.

It's not a healthy animal. It's got all that fat in its body. What's going on? It's just disgusting. What? Oh, the cow. When she's pulling the matter out of the cow's body? Yeah.

You said they were doing it to help the cow? I think in that situation, when they have that ring on the outside of it and they're reaching into the cow's stomach, I think they do it because the cow's fucksville if they don't. To like drain out everything? I don't understand it totally. I shouldn't be talking about it, but whatever it is, it's bad.

It's fucking disgusting. The cow's like, can I just vomit? This whole documentary, King Corn, was all about corn and how much corn is in our food. And they go through, these college kids, they go through this supermarket and just start pulling things off the shelves and recognizing how much of everything has corn in it and then they do this this test on their own body and they found out their bodies like mostly corn like most of the carbon in their body came from corn or whatever the fuck it was but it's one of those

things where you you know they take you, you can stick his hand in the hole of this poor cow. No, you didn't, you son of a bee. You son of a bee, Hinchcliffe. Yeah, it's, I don't know, it's a very weird thing that you can just stick your hand into some animal's stomach like that. Yeah. It looks like a piggy bank, like the saying like the circle yeah it's a piggy cow yeah so point being that's no you know that's uh it's not good not great that corn shit it's not good for cows so how how many shows have you

guys got in the can now 82 82 kill tony so you girls have 82 minutes of comedy. Yep. Has anybody ever called in sick? No. Damn. Fucking powerful workers. Yeah. You guys are dedicated. Yeah. Not once? No period talk? No nothing? No. One time I was in a flight back home.

And that was when we first started. Yeah. I was just back home. And I missed one. And I even tried to record a set and send it in. Do you remember that? Have you guys gone anywhere else in the country? Like other cities? We've gone to San Diego. And we did Pasadena.

Did you guys do Kill Tony in San Diego? Or did you do stand-up? We did Kill Tony in San Diego. I know you did it in Pasadena. Yeah. Comedy store. La Jolla. Yeah, that's the other thing that's weird about doing comedy in L.A.

L.A. has a kind of specific crowd in a lot of ways. And there's some shit that you can do in L.A. that literally won't fly anywhere else in the flyover. There's certain shit that you can do here in this town. It has a very certain sensibility. Almost all towns do. Boston was famous for having a Boston sense of humor. There lot of Boston related material that didn't work anywhere else. So like that's one of the best things to do is go to as many different spots. Do you guys find that it's very different, the crowds, the experience, the comedy store versus the road?

Yeah, I think I feel like it's harder here. The crowds are harder in L.A. because I feel like everyone's just used to watching entertainment all the time. All the time. And auditions and like different shows and improv. So people are just used to seeing other people try to, you know, work their craft. Yeah. When I went to Brea, which isn't even that far, I was like, whoa, I need to get out of LA because Brea is not that far. And I get there and I'm kind of like dry.

And like they're just like, it was just like this weird disconnect. And that was a moment where I was like, wow, I just got to keep going other places. But you know, here's the other difference. There's people that come to a place like the Comedy Store, and they're used to seeing a lot of experimentation, a lot of new material. But when you're in a club like Brea, you've got headliners coming in every week. I mean, that's really what it's like, the Brea Improv. Headliners come in every week, and that's what those people see. They go there.

They see this guy kill. They see that guy kill. They see this girl kill. And when you do that over and over and over again, you season your crowd. If you look at the lineup of the Improv and Brea, it's just murderer after murderer. They're assassins. They're all coming in for the weekends So like you you have like this whole system there where people are accustomed to a very high level of like national level comedy Yeah, I think it's easier those places a lot easier. I agree. Yeah. Yeah

I think the thing about those places is they're not as open to experimentation though Yeah, right and I was hosting so like by the end of the weekend i like knew what i was doing but it was such a good experience because that friday i was like whoa whoa la la has the more educated as far as like comedy style like hack stuff doesn't go over in la the way it will go over in some places like But that's harder to do anymore anyway, isn't it? Like, hack stuff. Like, you really, it's all worn out. Like, it doesn't exist anymore. Like, where's the last guy that you heard was a hack?

Like, who's doing hack jokes? We see them every day, I think. Well, yeah, I mean, anybody who's on a lineup in front of me, I mean, if it's not like, you know they you know they better be good or else i will or else i will complain about them being in front of me on a lineup no matter how long they've been doing it no matter whatever you know what i mean it's just like if i hear a bad joke i just go why is this person have a better spot than me in theory it's well you just made it really personal that's not what i meant but i'll call them a hack. You know what I mean?

Well, not to their face. Do you run into that though? Do you see that? I don't see that anymore. I really don't see hacks anymore. Right. Yeah. Remember like there used to be guys who had like a stock act.

Right. They had an act that was just interchangeable with a lot of other people's acts and it was based on these like really common premises. Like, okay, here's a perfect example a guy going to buy tampons for his wife and he would get to the counter and the thing wouldn't have a tag on it and there we go price check tampons aisle to there was hundred guys who did that joke and they're like please I'll pay you twice the money just don't do that don't do that again how much is it I think it's $50 sir that's too much I saw so many people do that joke yeah I mean it was one of those things where it was like oh my god this is out of control there was like

that premise it was like a super common hack premise yeah cops and doughnuts that's where that came from it came from hacks yeah when I hear the words guys and girls are super different unless they they're being totally ironic about it. Dating in L.A. is hard. Yeah. The difference between L.A. and New York is... A lot of it is like you're just trying to think of shit to talk about. A lot of people, when it's really base stuff, it's a lot of the most common stuff.

Like travel, most know differences between cities like all that stuff is like like baby blocks you know like building but and sometimes still awesome like someone it doesn't take it out of the mix like if you had the most awesome the difference between new york and la joke today it's not like you can't talk about that subject like if you if, if you have it and it's funny, I'll be laughing. Like I'm not a comedy snob at all. And I think that people get real silly with like, you know, what's acceptable, what's unacceptable. Like there's some dumb shit that's really funny, you know, like it doesn't have to all

be smart. Like it can be a stew of things. Burr and I were talking the other day about pratfalls. He has this bit, and he was trying to figure out how to almost get flipped on stage. And I can't talk about it without sort of revealing the premise. So he and I were like, I was showing him these different roles that you could do, a different way you could fall where you're not going to get hurt, but it'll look kind of crazy.

Your legs will be up in the air. And, uh, he was like, we were talking about like Pratt falls, like Pratt falls aren't cheap. Right. If it's,

I'm like, if it's, if it's a part of a joke and it makes the joke better, it's funny, you know? Yeah. But there's some people who would back off because they worried about the contempt of their peers.

You know, they worry about, Oh, what are you doing? You're doing flips on stage now, Tony Hinchcliffe? I think it also depends on the comedian. Somebody who moves around and stuff, if that's part of their natural thing,

then yeah, they could do that. But some people, it just... Like Joey Diaz? Well, Joey moves around a lot, but he keeps the mic in the stand. I can't picture him doing crap. Well, he's done some karate kicks on stage. I've seen that.

Really? Yeah, Joey gets crazy sometimes. But he always keeps the mic in the stand. If you notice that about Diaz. He never holds the mic. He uses both of his hands and he keeps the mic in the stand. He's one of the few guys that do that.

He's got a totally different style. But it works, man. He's a master of having that microphone in the stand. Yeah. I love what he does when he's killing. He grabs it by its side and he lifts it straight up a few inches in the back down. You just hear that. He's a monster, dude.

He's got this new bit about ISIS. I was fucking tears were pouring down my eyes. He was red like a beet and screaming at the top of his lungs and water and sweat was flying. And he's taking his jacket off while he's killing. While he's flying and he's taking his jacket off while he's killing while he's killing he's taking his jacket off doing this isis bit i'm like oh my god he's the best he's the best ever yeah you know if you if you've never seen joey diaz live you don't understand there's another level and he's a perfect example like there's no like great intellectual truths in his act it's shit that he thinks is fucking funny

He's just trying to kill he's trying to say the funniest shit that he could say Yeah, and in doing that like, you know, he hits this rare air sometimes like Joey Diaz He's hit some air that I don't think this may be like three or four other people I've ever seen hit that level. There's a level of crying in the crowd during some of his bits. No doubt. Where people are just hitting tables because they can't breathe right. Yeah. Because this dude is just, and he's fucking slaying and spit's coming out of his mouth.

That's one of the fun things about sitting in the back of a comedy room is you get to see the shadows, the people in front of you, how they're physically moving different than the back of a comedy room is you get to see the shadows, the people in front of you, how they're physically moving different than the rest of the show. The rest of the show, they're pretty still. You might see them pop up and down for laughs and stuff. But if you're sitting in the back during a Joey Diaz set, you see spit takes flying in the air.

One guy falling out of his seat, another guy slamming a table. Another thing that Joey does that I just love and I always look for is that he kills faster than anybody else too. Like for some reason, the audience immediately can tell he's just being himself and honest and real when he walks up there and goes, hey, cocksuckers, a babbity bar and it's already happening. Right, right.

Yeah. They connect with them immediately. There's none of that. Hey, good to meet you. You know? Yeah. No, he's just funny to look at. Yeah, yeah. He's funny.

Everything is funny. His personality is funny. He's so unique, like in how he talks. There's just everything about him. He's just an unusual dude. And I'm glad he's back at the comedy store too, you know. Big time. Joey came.

He started back a couple weeks before I did. And he told me he said man he goes it really really changed my act he said it really it really got me fired up i got excited about comedy again he goes it really like made me excited about just killing i just wanted to kill i was like well he goes it just gave me another shot of inspiration you know right you know we tom segura and i were talking about this last night, that when you have a bunch of friends that are, like, really into stand-up, like, everybody's, like, really into writing new shit, really into performing a lot, like, you get so energized by that.

It's like you're on this, like, comedy caffeine thing. Yeah. It's really like it's, you know, surround yourself with people like you can relate to, you know what I mean? Yeah. And that's why the know what I mean? Yeah. And that's why the store is so important. Yeah. That's why.

It's like that it's this weird, freaky hangout spot, you know? Like last night we were in the green room. Zach Galifianakis, Ken Jeong, the doctor from the Hangover movies. Ken was there? Yes. That fucking guy's awesome. Who else is there? Jeff Ross is back there.

And Adele. Whitney Cum Jeff Ross is back there. And Adele. Whitney Cummings is back there. And we're all hanging out, having a fucking blast. Just laughing and telling, Brad Williams is back there. Laughing and talking and telling stories. And it's just like that kind of an environment, man. It just gets you so fired up to do comedy. I went on that stage last night running you know

i just couldn't wait to get up there it's like there was so much it was all in the air in that place yeah that's a that's something i forgot about man i really did i forgot about it when i left the store because i was so angry at the circumstances and everything but i think even so i think it got better while we were gone People were saying that it got better around the time of podcasting for some reason, that they sort of coincided, that it was like about five years ago the store really started picking up, which is about when like, isn't that like how long Adam Carolla's been doing podcasts and most comics about five years ago?

And I think that a lot of comics, when they started doing podcasts and the Corolla Show and other people's podcast people started hearing about comedy and then realizing that a lot of these people that are comics they're just fucking regular people that just decided to do comedy like how many people have you met in your life when you're like dude listen to me you should be a comedian no one never did I see I meet people all the time so you're more cynical than me. There was some chick that was hanging out at the bar the other night at the improv. She was hilarious.

She was hilarious. She was really funny. I go, what do you do? She works in banking. I go, you should be a comedian. You're really fucking funny. And she's got this natural sense of delivery and personality. I'm like, you really should do it.

Just go to an open mic night. Just go and watch how bad everybody sucks. You'll want to do it. Because open mic nights are the craziest places ever, right? Right. If you want to find the epicenter of cuckoo in Hollywood. Yeah. Or hacks.

There are some hacks at open mics. Yeah, they're hackers. They're mostly actors. Actors. That's a good expression. Actors. That's a good expression. I hate that, though.

You see that a lot, especially on Kill Tony. These guys that don't really want to be comics, but they're doing it because they want to become an actor. So they kind of go through that route. It's really noticeable, though. Or they want to brag to their improv troupe that they went and did stand-up at the comedy store. And then they tell you, I'm a comic. Yeah. Well, not only do I do improv, but I'm also a comedian.

Yeah, that would be like your headshot stand-up comedian. Actor first. Right. Actor slash stand-up comedian. That's the worst. Yeah, there's something about actors that, like, it's really difficult to get somebody to pick you for stuff. Like, it's the worst part about being an actor. Like, I know people that are actors

that are really struggling, and it's insanely frustrating because it's not something you can just do. If you do stand-up, there's an open mic night, you go up, you fucking kill. And if you just keep doing that, eventually, somehow or another,

you just get better and you become a professional. I mean, that's really the college of stand-up comedy. But for an actor, you've got to have somebody find you. you've got to have somebody find you. You've got to have somebody find you. They've got to come get you. They've got to see you.

You do the audition. They go, that guy. Let's make him the guy. And they take you and they fucking put makeup on you and they push you in front of the camera, give you a bunch of shit to say, and they picked you. But guess what? He could have done it.

He could have done it. He could have done it. He could have done it. They could change the gender. She could have done it. I mean, it it. He could have done it. He could have done it. They could change the gender. She could have done it. I mean, it's like there's so many people for each role. You know, there's a few really good ones. There's a few, you know, Marlon Brando type characters that rise through the rest.

But the reality is you got to get picked. And so there's this weird social game that's going on. So they're all socially terrified. They're afraid, not all of them, but a lot of them, they're afraid to truly speak their mind. They're always in this weird confine.

They're always hoping that you like them because they audition all the time. And these powerful people stand in front of them and go, hmm, I don't know. I don't know. Like Don Marrero was telling me about an audition that he went on and how insulting it was.

The woman started eating her sandwich and checking her texts while he was doing his lines. She's eating a sandwich and checking her texts. I was like, whoa, that's dark. Yeah. Yeah. That's rough. And if that's how you make your living and you keep going to these things and some woman's there eating her sandwich or some guy is in the middle of a text message while he's listening to you thanks thanks tony that was very good tony we'll be in touch

and you're like oh my god i'll never eat you mean that's fucked yeah and sometimes like commercial auditions they'll just want like a reaction and then people are like how was it you're like i don't know i just like smiled i don't know how I did. Yeah. Commercial auditions are the worst. When I first started, I got sent on a lot of those. And the assistant for the agent that I had was the worst. He was notoriously bad at what he did because there were a few guys signed with this agency at the store. So he would just be hungover from a crazy night before. And he would send you out on a bad audition audition like one that you're not even matched for who's we have an audition for you

today at you know 33 Sunset Boulevard at 8 a.m. so you get their schedule around it you get excited for it and then you show up and it's for you know 50 year old Asian woman and you're sitting there in a lobby with 50 year old Asian women and then the guy it's finally your turn and the guy goes, you know, this isn't for you. And I go, but they told me to come here and be here for this. And he goes, well, I guess we could get you anyway. It's like I never had a chance.

When you do that, would you play a 50-year-old Asian woman? Well, no, I would just read it. Oh, shut up. Why are you leaving? Your mother is so tired. Oh, Sarah, why are you leaving? Your mother is so tired. I started acting when I was living in New York.

I started going on auditions. I didn't do any acting, but I got this agent. And then all of a sudden, they go, do you want to act? And it was really one of those, like, okay. And then all of a sudden, I'm going on auditions. Zero acting experience. None. And I was like, what am I like, okay. And then all of a sudden I'm going on auditions. Zero acting experience. None. And I was like, what am I doing?

Like, what is this? And that was the first time I ever got to see child stars. Because I didn't know about that. I had no idea that there was these, like, stage moms. And these stage moms with their kids. Especially for, like, commercial auditions. Do you guys run into them in L.A.? Stage moms? I've seen some, yeah.

And, like, they're the scariest. And I grew up here. So I saw a lot of stage moms when i was like little like in school there's like actor kids with their stage moms and my mom was afraid of them so now i'm just i've always like avoided but i've seen a mom at a commercial audition who said to her kid sit down or i'm to beat the bejesus out of you. Like in the commercial audition. Like, yeah. Bejesus is one of the best. It's one of the best expressions. It's like, well, I hit my kid, but I'm not going to blaspheme the Lord.

It's the bejesus. I don't say the real Jesus. Bejesus is the fight Jesus. From the creator of the name, the word licorice whips comes bejesus. Licorice whips? It seems like the same guy who made that word probably made up bejesus. licorice whips comes bejesus. Licorice whips? It seems like the same guy who made that word probably made up bejesus. Licorice whips, bejesus. Maybe belicorice whips. Belicorice.

Yeah, black people. That's hilarious. Bejesus. That sounds like something Tarantino would say while promoting the BET thing. I cannot figure out my computer. I just always felt like the culture of auditioning was always insanely defeating. It felt bad. And I used to think that that's the reason why I think a lot of people are depressed in Hollywood,

especially actors. a reason why I think a lot of people are depressed in Hollywood like especially actors like when I started going on auditions I failed miserably at all these movie auditions that I went on because though your agency will send you out for shit that like like say if they already have some movie star for a role they already have it cast they'll still take like 30 people and they'll say you well you should you should go so they can see you because they might like you for something else and I'll be like what like in should go so they can see you because they might like you for something else. And I'll be like, what? Like in my mind, I was like, this doesn't even make any sense.

Right. It's like you want me to act. So you want me to learn some lines and go and make a relationship with the casting director. Okay, I get it. I guess I get it. But I didn't get it at all. So I would go there and I would always feel bad after I'd leave.

I would be like, this is just, just I had a one time I went to this audition it was one of the most embarrassing moments ever I went to this audition and this lady was reading the audition and she was asking me where I was from and I said that I am from I you just moved from New York I said but I was born in New Jersey and she said I'm born in New Jersey too but I don't tell anybody that I tell them I'm from New York I go why why wouldn't you just tell them that you're from New Jersey and she goes because oh nobody wants to be from New Jersey so I just tell them I'm from New York and I go that seems ridiculous yeah she goes okay do you want to read this

I go oh all right so I start reading it and And she's giving me these fucking dead eyes because I insulted her need to be from New York. I mocked her. I mean, it was like the most – I was just talking to a person. If you said that to me and I'd be like, yeah, why the fuck do I lie? Why do I tell everybody I'm from New York? Does that make me better than if I was from New Jersey? Am I that ridiculous? Instead of being proud to be from New York. Does that make me better than if I was from New Jersey? Like, am I that ridiculous? Instead of being proud to be from New Jersey.

So in this, I have to sing to this chick. So I have to, I have to do these stupid lines. Like I'm, I'm literally like, it's like a country Western song. I'm lakeside with a girl and we have like a blanket laid out and I have to sing a Bruce Springsteen song to her. And I died that day. I died in front of her. Like I felt my soul leaving my body as I'm like,

like trying to soulfully sing this Bruce Springsteen song to this woman who's looking at me like I'm just a steaming sack of shit in her office. And then when I'm done, she goes, thanks. Did you try to save it at the end like thank you again i'm joe rogan from new york no i know it was that would be funny no it was dead but i had to go through with it anyway and i went through that i was like oh my god man now imagine if you're a chick and you go into an audition and the dude tries to fuck you right oh my god or or you know sexually harass you in some strange way mr

henscliff yeah i know i imagine that could happen with you as well under the right circumstances with a very aggressive gay man oh it had it could have happened it could have it could have but you what you'd be you i stayed professional I don't make direct eye contact with anybody. You kept your mouth shut. When I was auditioning for, I got far along in the audition process for Book of Mormon at one point, which is like a big Broadway production. Huge. I got in the middle of it, kept doing good, just kept moving on.

You should have seen the lobby for that, my friend. A bunch of little twinks trying to be Mormons that are like, you know, musical theater. You know what that means. Right. Right. Because they do that thing with the butts and the wieners. Did you see, there was an article,

I think it was like Huffington Post or one of these recently, about this upsurge in Mormon porn. What? Yeah, and that there's like Mormon porn sites now. Dope. Everyone starts with a boy knocking on the door. They're all like Mormon cam girls and things along those lines.

And there's Mormon missionary gay sex porn. What? Bang bicycle. Boom, from three. What? Bang bicycle. Boom. From three. Bang bicycle. Yeah, Mormon porn. Here it is.

Ooh la la. What? There's no bullshit. Wow. Well, there's this, I don't know if this is it. I don't know. That's not the one that I was looking at, the article. The article was about this guy.

What is that? Look at the special effects these Mormons got. The old cheese. So these Mormons, this one guy was telling about his experience in camp with some other. He realized he was gay when he was going to these Mormon camps with guys and he was attracted to them and just took the right guy to make it happen and that's why he

had such an exciting experience. Now he's married with children. He's not gay. Wow. This is the story. So he decided to make a Mormon... You have to click. Are you over 18, Brian? Click mentally, Brian. You have to say no.

What would you say mentally you are? 18. Your maturity level is about 18? 18. Intelligence-wise, you're a good man. I still like G.I. Joe's, so yeah, 18. 18? That was it?

That's what makes you 18? Sarah, how old are you? Mentally? Yes. It depends. Either I'm like 65 or 12 Yeah that's a good answer That's like So when you're tired you're 65

Yeah or 12 And when you're having a good time you're 12 Or 12 like yeah Yeah What about you? I feel like I'm like Just my age mentally I don't know

Good for you powerful in the moment chick. I'm 109. Really? How'd that happen? I don't know. I just pay too much attention to shit. Do you? I think so.

Do you take in too many variables? I probably do. Yeah. Variables. Well, you're a bit obsessed, Tony Hinchcliffe. A bit obsessed with the stand-up comedy. Today I thought I was dying in the shower, for sure. I was 100% positive that I was having an appendix attack.

Really? Something right in my upper, I mean lower belly, and I'm just like, this is it. I can convince myself that the worst shit is happening. Happens a lot, too. Yeah. I've been on the road with them, and it's happened a few times. Right. So you're essentially a hypochondriac is that what it is it's more of a panic attack type of thing but it's like not like what you

think a panic it's just all inside the head oh anyway I ended up farting and then the appendix attack was gone it was one little four second to Darunee I've had that happen I've had that happen before though. I've had that happen before where you get a weird stomach pain. You're like, what the fuck is that? Like,

that's new. Yeah, and when it's new, immediately, I mean, I'm sure you guys gotta be the same where it's like,

I've never felt that before and that's gotta be something. Or just farts. Or just, you know, what were you eating? All that vegan food, dude,

that's a problem. It always ends up being a fart, by the way. All my problems. It's all broccoli and shit. It gets impacted. I need to put a hole in my stomach so people can pull out the grains. Too many grains. I think that's essentially like diverticulitis probably in a lot of ways.

That's what happened to Brock Lesnar. It happened to a few people I know. They had to get parts of their colon removed. One guy I know caught it before it got too bad, but you just get impacted. And Anthony Bourdain was telling me that it can be anything. He said it could be like a pumpkin seed or something gets stuck in there. Like you eat something, it gets stuck, and then it creates an abscess. It's not just meat.

Like with Brock Lesnar, supposedly all he ate was meat. He wasn't eating any fiber, and his bowels got all fucked up because of it. Yeah. Woof. Wow. Yeah. You have to eat healthy. Fiber is important for your body.

It's not just a luxury. It's a necessity. If you want this thing to work right, you've got to eat lettuce. You've got to push everything out. Yeah. And when you don't, it can really... And then there's some people that get it to just have a propensity for it apparently but when they when they have to remove like sections of your intestines and shit

that's deep i was cleaning my bedroom the other day and i have a pretty big bed but underneath the bed it's like in the middle you never can get anything on you know like if something falls under the bed. So I was trying to get everything and I pulled out a single cheeseburger from McDonald's that I guess I was eating and I threw it on the ground or something and it just went in there. What kind of a person are you? I know, but... How do you live? Like, I haven't had McDonald's in my bed for at least six months.

And so that... But when I opened it, it looked brand new. It looked just exactly the same you would buy it at. Brian's apartment is like the raft of a survivor stranded at sea. It's just scattered and disarray with bobbers and nets and one shoe. A pirate in the corner for some reason. Yeah, that big area in the middle where you can't reach under your bed. That area is a problem.

It's disgusting because if you ever do move your bed, you're looking at it going, that's so gross. How much would I have to pay you to lick that center area where you can't reach? Just do the whole line. All the way up. Keep your tongue down on the ground from the foot of the bed to the head

of the bed like an iMac it would only take an iMac to get you to do that hell yeah wow what about iPad mini I licked I licked the stripper pole I licked the stripper pole at uh crazy girls a couple months ago on stage because we were doing comedy there uh and I just said some hot girl just got off and I was like, damn, that girl's hot and I just licked it. As a joke, everyone was like, ew. But then I thought about it and then I had a canker on my tongue for like three days.

Yeah. Welcome to the wonderful world of new age. Canker on your tongue. I was freaked out for a couple days. That's so hilarious. David Arquette owns that place now canker on your tongue. I was freaked out for a couple days. That's so hilarious. That is so hilarious. David Arquette owns that place now

and I told him like he did Kill Tony and I told him about that and he just gave me a high five. He's like, that's great. That's hilarious. He owns a strip club?

What a good move for a fucking celebrity that's just getting divorced. What an excellent move. And that place is, they do comedy occasionally there yeah they they do shows are like music sometimes and it's totally not set up for comedy though because they have like a strobe light facing the comic so you're on stage and you're just having elliptic seizures

and you can't see anything like elliptical seizures epileptic you fuck he corrected himself wrong ellipses that sounds uh that sounds terrible yeah and uh it's it's a uh the the ceiling cuts down so it's like chops the top part of your head off so they can't even see you oh really oh that's right right because you're on a stage yeah oh yeah we'll just do your comedy on your knees yeah i just licked his pull you should do your comedy like as a like do a like a dancer's routine do your comedy like don't even like talk about the fact that you've got your leg wrapped around the pole and you're going around in circles just talk about your day. Do it stripper style. There's a lot of those cool little spots in Hollywood, though,

that aren't what you think they are. It's like kind of a hangout. Aren't you doing the spot tonight? Yeah, yeah. Stand up on the spot. Where is it at? What's it called? Three of Clubs.

It's cool, man. What is it? It's a cool little room. It really, really is. It's just like this. It's like a cool hip bar, and then you go through these double doors, and it's a cool showroom. One of my favorite little showrooms in all of Hollywood. Nice.

Yeah, it's really neat. Yeah, and he's doing one of those Thunder Pussy style shows. Yeah. Where people yell out topics, and you discuss them. Yeah. That show's fun. Yeah. Super fun.

Yeah, that should be fun. Well, Thunder Pussy's a really fun show to do, too, if you've got the right crowd. Right, exactly. And this show, because it's in Hollywood, so the audience is a little more open than a Pasadena crowd who's a little bit more outside, so the crowds are always a little bit better for this

than for the Pasadena. I mean, not good. They're not necessarily a better crowd. They're a more interactive crowd to give you the topics that you need. Like a better group of suggestions. Right, exactly. Maybe a little bit.

Wide open with suggestions. Yeah, you can't get a better crowd than the Ice House. Right. I literally don't think it's possible. Exactly. I don't think it's possible. They're so good.

And like, everybody there is so nice too. It's like the whole like storm of coolness there. Last night was so much fucking fun, man. Yeah. It was a great audience. Yeah. It was pretty powerful. That was amazing last night.

Yeah. It's a good goddamn time. Tommy Segura was killing me. Oh, my God, he's funny. Tom Segura is a goddamn monster right now. He's just getting funnier all the time. Just all the time. He's constantly working at it.

Ian Edwards too. Slayed it. Slayed it last night. Have you seen Bill Burr's new special? No. Go get it. Really? Yeah, it's amazing.

It's really good. It's really fun. It's like actual Bill Burr doing a set. It doesn't seem like you're doing a special at all. Sometimes you've seen people do specials, and they look a little bit more tense than they do when they're just doing a set. Burr nailed it. It's totally him.

It's awesome. It's like black and white, right? Yeah, he decided to do it black and white. I like that about it. Yeah, he said he's decided that everything is too HD. I like that about it. Yeah, he said he's decided that everything is too HD. It's like everything is so much focus on high resolution and looking at things.

He just decided to go old school, do it black and white. Listen to the jokes. How long before you guys decide to put something out? I want to make sure it's really, really good before I do. I'm still so new. Right. Yeah, I'm just scared to do anything too early Everyone keeps telling me to take my time Do you have a timeline?

I want to not be working a day job Within the next year Damn that's ambitious So like Two years in a comedy no day job Maybe two and a half years Damn that's ambitious as fuck Yeah I want to

I mean just doing enough to just like survive, obviously not being like touring and just like not working a day job. Yeah. And stuff like that.

It's hard. How long before you quit your job? I was, well, I got a job working at the comedy store. So I went solo

just with that. Yeah. For, yeah that for four years. Just made enough money to get by working there? Yeah, just barely enough money to get by. Because back then, it wasn't the same exact regime of managers. What was happening before, they were notorious for shaving hours that you'd actually work. And back then, there also was literally one-fifth as many employees as there is now. So I was one of like five guys that was working phones during the day and then working the door at night.

So I was struggling. Wow. I wasn't even getting what I was working. Those stories are so cool, though. When someone goes from being a doorman, like Ari goes from being a doorman at the comedy store doing his Comedy Central special at the comedy store. And then the name of it, he made it Paid Regular.

That was the name. Because that was always the thing. He wanted to become a paid regular, and he worked at it for four and a half years before she finally got him in. But that's such a great story. Going from a guy just with an idea in his head who started doing open mics and from there become a professional comedian I mean working the door working the cover booth doing all that shit answering

phones doing all the shit the comics do like that's one of the few places in the country where comics didn't go from just being employees of the club to national headliners. Yeah. Same thing with Rand Azizi. Yes. Who was just finishing up when I was arriving. He wasn't working there anymore, but you heard he would talk about working there. Yeah.

I was just like, what? I met him. He worked there. And now I know him as a TV star. Exactly, yeah. I would come by to do sets well i think when i was on news radio or it might have been fear factor i don't know which one it was when i first met him how long when brenna's easy start i'm not sure oh i know exactly when

actually it was november of 2011 because he was in he was in one of the towers when the planes hit on september 11th and he's like fuck it well no no that's not when he started doing comedy right after that no because he was in the Carlos Mencia video and that was 2007 I think you mean 2001 is when he came to Hollywood September 11 2001 yeah that's what I'm saying yeah you said 2011 oh okay yeah you said September 11 yeah I know I forget it's hard to believe that 9-11 was 13, almost 14 years ago. Wow. That's weird, right? That's crazy. Do you think time is moving faster?

Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Perfect answer. That was perfect stoner talk. Yes. Oh, my God. Yes.

Followed by a long run-on sentence where I throw in a bunch of likes. So I was like, maybe time is different. Listen, stuff like that trips me out. I was freaking out about the Berenstain Bears, the spelling of the last name. Yeah, it's different. It's different, and it wasn't always like that. Really? It changed?

They're saying it's always been like that. It's always been like that. I swear it was E-I-N. Yeah. And it's stain. Wait, wait. It's Jewish influence, I think. It's a glitch. What do they call it in the Matrix?

Glitch in the Matrix. Glitch in the Matrix. So how is it spelled? It's spelled like stain. S-T-A-N. Baron Stain. But I swear it was Baron Stein. I've been calling it Barron Stein.

Most people don't know what the fuck we're talking about. We're talking about a series of children's books, correct? Yeah. Children's books. Yeah. Because I said Barron Steen, and someone corrected me, and then I looked at it, and I was like, oh, yeah. Ooh.

Why did I think it said Steen? It was like I didn't continue the sentence. I got to Barron, and there's an N at the end. I'm like, Ste I think it said Steen? It was like I didn't continue the sentence. I got to Berenst, and there's an N at the end. I'm like, Steen, must be Steen. Like I didn't even like attempt to read it. Like I realized like sometimes words are so similar to other words that you don't really read them. You kind of know, oh, I know what that is.

But you don't go Berenst, you just, oh, Berenstein, you know, Wolfowitz. If you saw like Wolfowitz, but like one of the letters was different, you'd still probably say Wolfowitz because you put it in, I've seen that before. And you just, like to save time, you know, you say it. So for all of us that thought, I mean, it was just one of those things. Like you never really read the word. Did you pull it up? Oh, no.

I feel like it was in cursive though, right? Isn't that? We did? When did we talk about this? It's in cursive. The it was in cursive though We did? When did we talk about this? It's in cursive Let's just show these people at home What the fuck we're talking about I thought it was in E2

So I bet it's one of those cursive A's It's like a V in cursive I don't think it is I think it's just the way it's spelled I think something happened I think it's in cursive I was seriously convinced for so long I went like three days Straight up stain? I think something happened. I think it's in cursive. Something happened. I was seriously convinced for so long.

I went like three days just looking like a crazy person. Whoa. Baron Stain Bears. See? It doesn't even look right. No, it doesn't. It looks like that A should be an E. Yeah.

But I think it's one of those things you just sort of chunk those words together, all those letters in your memory. Yeah, yeah. There's the cursive. Oh, there it is. Yeah. I remember that. There was A. That's an A.

A-I-S. Yeah, it's pretty obvious. I think it's one of those things you just don't read it. Well, they should have just changed it to an E if everyone was already doing that. Now it's just confusing. That's their last name. That's the author's last name. I don't know.

That's so stupid. Berenstain. You can't say say what's wrong with baron stain i don't like it right that's silly baron steen is just as ridiculous well i thought it was baron steen the whole time it must be one of those tricks where because like you see two e's before and then you think the third one's got to be an e or something i think it's like pop and soda i think that just where you're like your parents were like yeah baron stain and you can play it

and they do have a little bit of a country accent, the Bears. Oh, well, that would make sense. Berenstain. Berenstain. Berenstain. And you'd say Berenstain. Yeah. What'd I say?

It makes no sense. It makes no sense. Berenstain. It's getting to be more and more hillbilly. S-T-E-I-N. Copyright it. Quickly. What's the name of those Jew bears again?

Bernstein. Bernstein. I don't think that's real. Bernstein go to camp. Yeah, it's like, you ever wonder why certain languages came up with certain sounds? Like, some languages have beautiful, flowing, melodic sounds to them. Like, flowing melodic sounds to them like they have like a rhythm to them like if you ever heard someone speak in Portuguese like the Brazilians it speaks Portuguese it's such a cool sounding

language but it why busy boy they do oji they have this like sort of like like almost like they're dancing like this flow to it and then you'll hear like like some like really harsh German auction you know hear some really harsh German. Ochstens, nachtes, postens. You know that really like, Ochstens, nachtes. It's like this weird sort of guttural, and then some of the Sephardic languages. Yeah.

Some crazy ass noises. Canadians. That's about as normal as you get. They add a little A to some words. That's about it. They're just a little a little a to some words but that's about it they're just a little far up north they're all dude don't be picking on canadians they're the chosen people as far as i'm concerned the berenstain bears had this one book called new neighbors and i always thought it seemed racist because it was like asian panda bears that moved in and look how angry the dad is he's like like, what are these Asians moving in next door, bears?

Oh, that's hilarious. They went with pandas. Look how mad this guy is. That's so fucked up. These fucking goddamn weirdos moving in. Build their Chinese restaurant. Oh, I don't like neighbors. I like my peace and quiet.

They have their oriental rug. They do have an oriental rug. Oh, my God. She's sweeping her shop. It's hilarious. I thought it was a yoga mat. They're even wearing kind of like colorful, festive Chinese colors. Yeah.

They're Chinese as fuck. Those are definitely Chinese outfits. Like, look at how it's cut, and it's like the shirts go all the way up to the chin. And they're motherfucking panda bears. And they're wearing, they're all wearing the same. If somebody tried to release that today, Salon.com would be all over it. Yeah.

Subtle racism and children's stories. Why it's wrong. It's like a college course. Yeah. Explaining racism. But I think that is exactly what that was. I mean, that's not clever. I mean, they're not hiding that.

It's fucking panda bear. Why isn't it black bears? You guys are brown. Have some black bears move in. No? Too edgy? Because then it'd be black. It's against black people.

Exactly. So they had to go with pandas. Asians fucking, they keep their eye on their business and they fucking keep moving forward. They don't riot. Asian people don't close off the fucking 405. They're nice. They're so nice. And they get things done.

Okay? They don't get caught up in bullshit. It's true. But if you use black bears, boy. They should have done black bears and then light skin versus dark skin. Light skinned bears versus dark skinned. But polar bears come in and fuck up everything. Well, like, maybe they chose black and white.

Ethnically ambiguous. You know polar bears are black? Black skin? Yes. That's crazy to me. Well, their hair is clear. It's not actually white. Ethnically ambiguous. You know polar bears are black? Black skin? Yes. That's crazy to me. Well, their hair is clear. It's not actually white. It's clear. Whoa. Yeah. See if you can pull up a picture of polar bear skin.

Polar bear hair. Clear. Polar bear hair. Clear. Yeah, it's weird. It's almost like, you know those fibers that they use? Those light fibers? You know those things? Like on toys and things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fiber optics. Like that kind of shit. I mean, that's what it those light fibers. You know those things? Like on toys and things? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fiber optics. Like that kind of shit.

I mean, that's what it looks like almost. It's like a natural white, but it's like a natural clear rather, but all together they look white. Whoa. Is there a picture of like a bald polar bear? That's the skin. But see if you could pull up polar bear hairs. A bald polar bear?

I don't think they don't live. Like some bears get mange and they survive, but polar bears live exclusively in polar habitat. Makes sense. That's what their hair looks like. That's not a good picture, but you get a sense of it. That does look pretty white, but apparently it's clear, like technically. So there's just a complete absence of color.

So then they take all those together and they look white when they're on the animal makes sense yeah i mean it is white obviously it's white but they i think they consider it clear so our brain reads it as white yeah it's clear i guess bernstein bernstein bernstein stan and jan bernstein wrote that names must have been awful to grow up with. Stan and Jan. These racist parents writing these polar bear books. Imagine what kind of shit life you must have led to come back as a polar bear.

I would love to. What a dick. You say that. Oh, you're right. You say that. You don't want to live up there. Sounds like a lonely world. Maybe, but you could always come back as a maggot.

That would suck worse. Things can always be worse. A germ? Someone has the glass half full. Just chilling in a Petri dish. Yeah, but being a polar bear would be especially sucky. Yeah. Freezing cold, you're jumping in the water all the time,

all you're eating is like seals and shit. And drinking Coca-Cola. Eating Klondike bars. What would you do for a Klondike bar? I would like, I think it could be fun. There could be some positives. Like name them. Like sliding around on the ice.

You could do that. You could do that and you're a person. Throwing a polar bear party. But you'd get more hurt as a person. You would get more hurt? I think so. Sliding around? You'd be less durable.

Yeah, just the thought of sliding around on my polar bear belly, that would be super fun. Oh, polar bears. You ever do the slip and slide? Oh, yeah. You've done it? Yeah, well, I haven't done it in quite some time. But, yes, I've done it.

It's pretty fun. It's a child's game. I think everyone's done it, right? Hasn't everyone done slip and slide? That's not something weird. You like trying to shock them with your knowledge? It was a thing that I did when I was young. There's an adult one that they were trying to actually

put, it's called Slide the City, and they're actually where you, it's an adult slip and slide through the whole entire city of Los Angeles. They got a water slide in Brazil where you, it's an adult slip and slide through the whole entire city of Los Angeles. They got a water slide in Brazil where you go like 55 miles an hour. That's awesome. The fastest water slide. See if you can pull up the fastest water slide in Brazil.

That's a giant slip and slide. That's hilarious. Through the whole city of Los Angeles. So you slide through the whole city in one push? No. I think it's the water moves you a little. Oh. Then we all can't shower for a week.

Yeah. You've got to be careful about water parks. I know a chick whose daughter got sick from a water park, and she wound up being partially paralyzed. She had some sort of infection get into her ear, and it became like meningitis or something like that. Yikes. Water parks can get nasty, man.

They're nasty as fuck. All these little kids are shit in that water, and all these weird people are traveling around with their diseases. It's just a breeding ground for bacteria. That's why when you go to a lot of them, they just reek of chemicals. They just pour in fucking chlorine in that water to kill everything. And you get in, and you're like, whoa, I'm bathing in chemicals here. This doesn't even feel like water.

And it's kind of warm, too. There's a bunch of people in the water, and it's like lukewarm water. Everyone's just pissing. It's greasy with their sunblock. You can see, like, the sunblock splotches. They should do, like, they should take, like, a scoop and bring it to a lab and find out exactly how much of that water is piss and shit. So much.

Yeah. All of it. I bet it's,'s like a measurable amount. I'll admit I do it. Ryan, you're the worst. Oh, human. They used to have this thing at the- You admit you do it?

Yeah. If I'm in like a water park- You just pee. Oh, fuck yeah. How do you just do that comfortably? I mean, it feels good. You feel the pee around. It's warm.

Are you trying to be silly? Or do you really pee when you go to a water park? Yeah. I think he does. I don't even think he's in the pool when he does it. I think he's standing outside of the pool peeing into it. He's that type of guy. He just pisses his pants and jumps in the water.

Wait till a kid swims by. Wait till a kid swims by and you pee on kids? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it's like blowing a fart around a kid. That's hilarious. Have you ever farted around a kid swims by and you pee on kids? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it's like blowing a fart around a kid. That's hilarious. Have you ever farted around a kid? There's a big difference between blowing a fart on a kid and pissing on them. Okay?

The kid's parents might be upset if you fart on their kid, but they'll beat your ass if you're peeing on them. Yeah, but they can never tell. It's the only legal way to pee on a kid. What do you mean they can never tell? They will never know if I pee on the kid. Is it illegal to pee on kids? It definitely is way to pee on a kid. What do you mean they can never tell? They will never know if I pee on the kid. Is it illegal to pee on kids? It definitely is illegal to pee on a kid unless you're in a pool.

Art Kelly doesn't seem to think it is. Well, it wasn't just being charged with peeing on the girl. It was being charged with having sex with an underage girl, right? Oh, I guess. Right? Yeah. I think it would have been okay. He'd been in a water park, though, according to Brian.

She called it pee-pee. He peed on me. Didn't totally count. That's a loophole. Since she didn't say piss, Your Honor, I motion to dismiss. The girl said pee-pee. Mr. Kelly said piss.

So clearly we're talking about two different things. One of them is more cultural significance attached to it. This is a strange time for race relations, isn't it? Have you noticed this? This is a very tense time in America for race relations. Big time. New black stormtrooper to equal it all out, though. Is it going to help?

I don't know. But they're bad guys. Stormtroopers are bad guys. But I think he's a good guy that is playing a bad guy for a second in the preview that we saw. Yeah, he stole a costume. Oh, don't say this. Spoiler alert, you fuck. No one knows.

Jesus Christ. No, no one knows. That's just a guess. Oh, okay. Black Annie. I thought you were giving up the secret nerd info. Have you been following the Sony leak of all the crazy stuff that's been coming out

from the hackers that have hacked Sony? No. So a bunch of hackers have hacked sony and they like locked sony offices down they stole movies that haven't been released and have been torrenting them they're releasing they're like private emails and of like how much like like there's this one real well-known producer they're just trashing angelina jolie like i don't care about this bitch she you know blah blah blah blah and they're releasing all this oh my god yeah like all this and budget info like like there's a the new seth rogan movie that's uh with james franco and it's showing how much more

he gets paid than james franco seth rogan and it's just dirty shit and they're just it's just like all the other like leaks they've been slowly leaking it and're just, it's just like all the other leaks. They've been slowly leaking it and releasing new stuff that's just fucked up. Now, what do you think they're trying to do there? You think they're trying

to shut down Sony? Do you think they're trying to just have fun? Like, what are they doing? I don't know, because they don't really know for sure who's doing it. At first, they thought

it was North Korea because of that new movie. right because that new movie oh yeah I honestly think it's just angry Asians that because of that movie they have no connection with North Korea but well thank God you're here to give your care dr. Brown fucking work done whatsoever I was the guest I'm just saying when I say shit like that's like if I had to guess but doesn't the the North Korea thing makes sense, right? I mean, especially if they're releasing James Franco and Seth Rogen information when they were on that movie together that was about assassinating the president of North Korea, right?

Right. You know they have hackers working for them. They must. Yeah, but there was a whole article about it recently. It seems like they're not really good at much over there. They build rockets that just fall over when they hit launch. You're taunting them. They're not listening.

What if they listen? North Korea, isn't that the one place where they don't listen? You say that, but how the fuck did they find out about this James Franco movie? Obviously, they're paying attention. They were pissed. No, they were pissed that that was being released, right? Yeah. Yeah, I would have said no to that movie.

Yeah. I would have said, you know they kill people for real over there? Like, this shit isn't a movie. They're in America like, it's fine. I mean, that fucking guy is essentially like one of the last real old school dictators on the planet who runs an empire. And he has people under his iron fist. I mean, he's running that country and his dad was running that country. He just got it from his dad.

I mean, that's a, you don't want to fuck with that. Right. The way you want to, you want to fuck with that only with like peace talks or a war. Like those are the only two, like you don't want to like mock them. Yeah. Or do you? James Franco, it's fine. It's James franco nothing bad could happen to james franco i know that's how we think yeah if they showed up at jane franco's house and fucking cut his throat and hung him by his ankles and you know out the second story window he'd be like oh okay

oh they're those these are people like it doesn't They don't give a fuck if you are an actor. They don't care. They don't care if you're famous. They're famous, too. But they're famous for... The kid is famous for killing his uncle. He killed his uncle and his uncle's family and his children and then gave his wife a promotion.

Like, killed their kids and gave the wife a promotion. Like killed their kids and gave the wife a promotion. Like he's done like some gangster shit. It sounds like a Game of Thrones episode. Dude, it does. What they actually do in North Korea. What did that say? What did you show? It's getting really dirty though.

It lashes out at Sony Exec for whore snipe. I protect my brand. It's getting really dirty because, like, I mean, everyone that Sony has worked with, like, there's information going out, so it's getting, like, actors are now fighting back, and Sony's having to release all these, like, apologies. I mean, it's getting every email.

Oh, they said nasty shit. Yeah. I mean, because it's, imagine, you know, how managers are in Hollywood, or, you know, just Hollywood people, how they talk back and forth. We could buy that person. Fuck this person. They suck.

All that shit's getting out. Can someone call Kevin Hart a whore? Is that what happened? Yeah. Who called Kevin Hart a whore? One of the biggest Sony. In an email? Yeah.

I protect my brand. That guy, he's smart. That's what he is, stupid. He's making money. Kevin Hart is smart as fuck. He's working hard. Yeah. Plus, he's smart that's what he is stupid he's making money Kevin Hart is smart as fuck he's working hard yeah plus he's like super nice yeah you know how do you call that guy a whore yeah I saw him organically battle Tony Rock in a big in the urban show that they have at the Comedy Store the big trip and on Tuesdays or whatever just organically started sold out main room

and they were laying into each other one night I remember being with a bunch of comedians like one of those ones where you're holding on to shit you know they're the best at it and Kevin Hart versus Tony Rock and Kevin Hart genius that he is just waited and kept sitting on the fact that Tony Rock is Chris

Rock's brother every time Tony would throw something good at him you know you're only famous because of this and that, whatever. And Kevin just kept waiting. So that by the time 10 jokes in, when he said, you're just a bunk-ass brother, you know what I mean, or whatever, the place just, it was over.

Because he waited so long for it. Everybody thought it was going to be each one, and he'd get them on another one. That's hilarious. Yeah. Those roast battles can be brutal, man. Yeah. Jen Murphy and her ex-boyfriend.

Oh, that was great. Oh, good Lord. She eviscerated that poor character. Yeah. It was fun. Those roast battles are fun because, you know, one of the things about it is that it's like a writer's show. It's like it's a joke writing affair.

Like, that's what it's all about. It's all just about writing jokes and clowning each other. Right. I love that he makes them hug it out at the end of it too. Yeah. Everyone ends in a hug. There was one time it didn't end in a hug. And the person who won didn't want to hug the other person, but the whole room turns on you quick.

Even though he had just won, he didn't want to hug, so he goes, man, fuck this, and started walking, and the whole crowd went from clapping to boo at the guy. Oh, wow. He lost respect immediately and had to really, like, the rest of the night he was working on fixing his reputation with everyone. Wow. He had to clean it up quick by not respecting the rule, the house rule. Wow.

He got very ghetto fast. Very ghetto fast. With the cut of people's faces. That's a shirt. That's a white guy we know. That should be a shirt. That should be a band. Very ghetto fast. Very ghetto fast. With like up in people's faces. That's a shirt. That's a white guy we know. That should be a shirt. That should be a band.

Very ghetto fast. That sounds like a good band name. Going to the very ghetto fast concert on Thursday. Very ghetto fast is in town dude. I hear they're on some

new meth. VGF baby. Dude we could start a band right now. Let's do it. Four of us Very ghetto fast Very ghetto fast

Yeah We can't sing Let the chicks sing You and I will dance Yeah We all just shake beads In our hair VGF back again

Do you ever go to The comedy festivals Have you ever been To Montreal Or any of those festivals I've never been To Montreal I have done a couple uh like one night things i was with you toronto yeah just for laughs one nighter and i did one with jeff ross in chicago um a couple years ago and

yeah no nope i'd done the traverse city comedy festival which was awesome great festival jeff garland and michael moore the filmmaker uh run a comedy festival each year out of traverse city which is like traverse city it's like northern michigan it's like the cherry capital it's unbelievable it's a winter fest basically and they shut down this whole strip of this amazing like it looks like like wonder some winter wonderland city and they have down this whole strip of this amazing, it looks like some winter wonderland city, and they have Ferris wheels and all this big sledding hills and all this winter stuff. Everybody dresses all warm.

I've never heard of this. It's awesome. That's incredible. It's awesome. And they do this every year in the winter? What time of the winter? I'm not sure. Who'd you do it with?

I did it with Kirk Fox, Matt Edgar, Stephanie Sambari Garland, Sinbad Dave Foley Dave Foley? how is Dave Foley doing stand up? well I did an improvised show with him where it was the set list show

where you don't know what you're going to do until you look behind you and this was in a theater and a word pops up and you have to pretend like you have a bit about that you just roll with it he ended up taking his pants down it was epic the theater just exploded because they're not you want to talk about going on the road and you know what you can do and push the lines well they really weren't expecting that in good old winter land come on let me make you cherry pie welcome to traverse city. That's that city.

Dave Foley just goes, and I remember we were downstairs. The green room's in a basement. You just heard this roar, and there was a TV, but it was muted, and we're all sitting in the green room, and you hear this,

and we're like, what the hell, and you look, and Dave Foley's pants were at his ankles on this TV in the green room, and we're just like, holy shit.

That's hilarious. Dave Foley's a killer joke writer, on this TV in the green room. And we're just like, holy shit. That's hilarious. Dave Foley's a killer joke writer, man. Oh, yeah. He crushed. I was really happy when he decided to do some stand-up. Because it was one of those things. It was the same kind of a thing. Where even though he's an established actor and established hilarious guy from Kids in the Hall,

still, he couldn't always get work. He was having a hard time getting gigs. And you have to get picked to do gigs it's just the way it is you get cast yeah you know or you do your own thing you create your own thing or you get cast and then the ultimate create your own thing is stand-up so he just started doing stand-up you know i just want to see it i haven't seen his stand-up i would imagine it'd be very funny yeah he's just such a smart dude he's one of the smartest people i know he's such a fascinating character well what amazed me what really ended up stealing that festival for me was you know sinbad did a show and i was thinking to myself oh you know what i'm gonna go do this other show i'm gonna right after this spot i'm gonna go do this because it's at the festivals

there's always multiple spots you could do but i had a chance to sit in the back of the theater and watch sinbad for a few minutes and i was amazed everything that i heard about him went out the window when i saw sinbad live i was honestly shocked at what he was doing i was shocked because i was for sure thinking i was going to watch every single thing that I've been told about him is that he's a hack, he's this, he's that, babbity-bah, he sucks, he's washed up. And next thing you know, I'm sitting in the back of this theater just slow clapping. Really?

I swear to God. Premises, delivery, what was so special about it? He would go in and out of stuff. He would just crush, crush, and then he would go, what's next? And he would just wait for somebody in the crowd to say anything. And he would literally, basically he was

thunderpussing it. He would stand up on the spotting it, but he has 35 years of bank and confidence and energy. And I don't think he's always been that way. I remember how goofy his specials looked when I was a kid.

I don't really remember anything he talked about. He used to have those empty hammers. He really is and that's all I can remember. Go hammer, go hammer, go. But he was on fire, man. Not the type of stuff that I was expecting at all. Like what kind of premises?

Were you surprised by his points? Everything. Really? I've got to see him. How long ago was this? This was about a year ago. You don't hear about him that much anymore. That's weird. We had him on Kill Tony a couple months ago.

Him and Jeff Garland on the same episode. And that was a blast. And we got to see some of it there too he's great at riffing man no shit yeah he has a cool presence like when just like his energy you know just like super nice so you're trying to say you're into black guys is that what's going on here i mean just sin bad just sin bad only i'm so sorry take it to a dark place only his pants. Only his pants?

Those hammer pants? If you could bring those back, that would be a strong move. Someone has to be the first person to slap those pants on in the first place. Go to Silver Lake. People are wearing them in Silver Lake? Yeah. MC Hammer pants? Totally. Ironically?

Yeah. Is that a good idea? Is this MC Hammer? Garland and Sinbad. Did I say MC Hammer? I did.land and Sinbad. Did I say MC Hammer? I did. I meant Sinbad. I've never met the gentleman.

He was really, really nice. I bet he is. You'd be really surprised. I bet he's a nice guy. Never heard a bad thing about him. Tell you that. Never heard he's a dick. This episode with Garland and Sinbad,

I think it's like 35 and 32 years or something crazy that they've both been doing stand-up. So the comedians, I think it's like 35 and 32 years or something crazy that they've both been doing stand-up. So the comedians, I think there was one or two that had their first time ever on stage. We're getting immediate feedback from over 60 years of comedy experience. 70 if you throw in me and Brian. That's crazy. Yeah.

Sinbad, I remember him holding towels. Oh, yeah. That's another funny thing that I'll tell you. The only thing on his rider, I swear to God, I got in the green room. There's a little cabinet thing sitting there, and it just had 10 hand towels on it, and there was a note that said,

For Sinbad. And the assistant that brought me down, I go, What's that? And she goes, That's the only thing on his rider. 10 clean hand towels. That's so hilarious. That's a lot. Black dudes love towels. It's true. me down i go what's that and she goes that's the only thing on his rider 10 clean hand towels so black dudes love towels they love to pat their forehead down he does you know bill byrd did that in his latest special i was gonna i was gonna call him up and ask him about it

he pat his forehead down with a towel he had sitting there and the other thing was kind of he had a glass of water it was just a a glass, not a bottle of water with a cap. An actual glass. He's so old school. He had a glass of water on stage. You could totally see him doing that, too. Tap water. Yeah. It probably was tap water.

Eh, I'll just take it out of the fucking sink. You know these guys now, everybody's got a bottle of water. I don't think that fucking bottle of water. I think it's a fucking scam. That's what I think. I think they just take that shit out nice they sell to you and they look at you like you're a fucking idiot when you pay for it gotta do that work every time with the cap what I'm what am i why am i putting in time on this job he's

got one of those voices man you know he's a guy that is also benefited tremendously from podcasts because he goes on these riffs every week he does his podcast completely by himself which I I've done before, but it's fucking hard, man. It's really hard. It's hard not to slide into being boring, you know? Right. Being monotonous. It's hard to be entertaining, but he's fucking entertaining doing it.

Yeah. And there's something to be said for not having video, too. There's something to be said for video, but there's also something to be said for just audio. Like, just audio is a type of entertainment like like putting it out on youtube and putting a podcast out on vimeo and all that stuff it's all great nothing nothing bad about it but occasionally i just like listening to shit and burr's podcast is the best for that because it's just him you can tell it's just him with a couple pieces of paper at his desk, and he's just ranting, you know? Yeah. It's interesting listening to Kill Tony versus watching Kill Tony

because I usually always watch it, but lately I've been listening to it. And you don't judge who's on stage as much when you're just listening to this open mic or talk. Sometimes it's actually way better to listen to the audio because you're actually hearing what he's trying to say almost as a character instead of seeing the video part. It's neat how some podcasts changed. Well, even comedy.

I think comedy, I love watching it, but I also love just lying back with some headsets on, closing my eyes, listening to a set. I like doing that too you know i like you know like when i was a kid we used to listen to albums like that was a big thing like comedy albums like cheech and chong and you know listen to old bill cosby albums and when we would sit and listen to them it would just be like you just be sitting around listening to the words just looking off in the room you were in you know you it's there's something about that allowing your mind to like go on a little dance

and not getting any visual stimuli you're just sort of it and putting it all together in your mind something about that that's really fucking cool it's it's not i would i would definitely like if someone had to choose between never seeing people again or always seeing people again, I would always go with always seeing people again. But there's something cool about just comedy CDs. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of like when you read a book and you're thinking about something else and you're like, oh, I have to go back to the beginning when you watch video and audio because you're focusing. I'm like, oh, that guy's hair is weird or why is he wearing that?

Yeah. Yeah. You listen to the jokes. You're like, oh, he's actually funny. If I was just listening and not looking at his outfit and how weird he is. Yeah. Or whatever, whatever it is. But then there's people that, you know, like Joey, where you want to see him.

Exactly. You know. When do you think you're going to see him? Yeah. I just want to say I think it's kind of cool for us because, I mean, sometimes people don't know what we look like. And they find out you're pretty and they're like, I think you better. It's like, I like it.

You're better than Tony. You should have your own show. I'm a producer. Producer? Yeah. Do you guys get weirdos following you because of the show? Oh, my God. The weirdest people.

The weirdest people. Someone made a subreddit brian sent it to me a subreddit just for me except they they took i mean it's like flattering it's slash creepy they and they took my instagram pictures and it's like a whole just like just my pictures and just like one word titles like sunbathing or legs. Whatever my picture is, it's the description. And they've categorized them all? Oh, yeah. It's very creepy.

How many dudes do you think, if you had a roundabout number, have spanked it? Two pictures. Well, at least two in this room. Because me and Tony's done it together over the phone. Shut up. Me and Tony's. It's multiple times. You're lucky you strung that. Shut up. Me and Tony's. There's multiple times. You're lucky he strung that whole sentence together.

Why are you complaining? That's the nickname he has for me. Tony's. Tony's. Me and Tony's do that all the time. Tony. Oh, jeez. The patriot.

That's probably who made the subreddit, by the way. Oh, God. He definitely spanked it to my both of our pictures how long do you girls think you'll keep doing this and do you think do you like do you have a plan do you do do you have like a like a transition to becoming a professional stand-up plan is that what you guys would all do you want to do your own podcasts um yeah i've thought about doing my own podcast for sure we've talked about it. I don't know. I think that the benefit of Kill Tony, there's still so much benefit for us because there's

so much that we, I feel like I've learned in like a small amount of time just from being like holding yourself to a standard of writing and this stuff all the time and meeting people and getting feedback from people who have been doing it longer. That's can't ask for that you can't find that right so do you guys ever have a material cross are each other's yeah like current event type shit because you're writing a new minute every week her and i are totally different yeah yeah completely different comedians like two completely different styles, different voices. Kim talks a little bit more about topical stuff in her family. And Sarah organically just ends up talking about the most random small thing you can imagine.

You know how there's some subjects when you go to an open mic night or any sort of a show where guys are working on new material. to an open mic night or any sort of a show where guys are working on new material like um remember that one brian when the chinese uh pilot crashed into the american pilot and his name was wong way oh yeah and that became like the most ridiculously overused joke in the history of comedy like everybody had a joke about this guy named wong way who's a chinese fighter pilot everyone has a tinder joke everyone has a cosby joke everyone like it's right yeah cosby's another perfect example like if you go on an open mic night today most likely five or six people before you have already told cosby jokes oh yeah yeah yeah well like it's kind of like you said earlier um i feel like i only i there's things that people

talk about all the time and i know it's going to be what everyone's saying at an open mic but if i feel like i have a better joke about it than everybody else and i'll absolutely do it i don't care if everyone else is talking about it because if it's better than everyone else's it doesn't matter yeah good for you you don't have to just because the subjects have been you can especially if you're just working on jokes which is essentially what you're doing you're doing sets of new shit every week you're like in a constant state of working on jokes. Yeah. Right. Like,

we've never had close to the same topic. No. Not at all. Yeah. Sarah picks something and then she focuses on it. Dustpans.

She'll be like, gum. Minty gum. Dustpans. Spearmint gum. Tabasco. Seashells. Yeah.

Mayonnaise. Yeah. And then I'll just break it down. What's up with crackers? Just break it down. Yeah. What's up with crackers? That's how shehells, mayonnaise. Yeah. What's up with crackers? Just break it down. What's up with crackers? That's how she starts off. That's how she starts. Easter baskets.

Let's talk about them. I hate them. Do you think it's tougher to be a chick and do stand-up comedy? Ooh, I like this question. I think there's two different advantages. I like this question. I think it's, I think there's two different advantages. Like think that,

um, sometimes it's like, Oh, they only get this stuff because they're girls or, you know, like, you know, they,

they flirt their way to stage time or whatever. And then at the same time, they're like not that many girls. I mean, Sarah and I started kill Tony because it was, you said it was all guy comedians in the beginning. And then we became two regular girls at the end of it. And it's just there's not that much competition right now, especially right now.

I feel like there's not a lot of girls. Well, in New York, I know there's a lot more girls. But I think that it gives us an advantage. And I think that if you're funny, you're funny. If you work hard, you work hard. Yeah, those are two definite truths. If you're funny, you're funny. If you work hard, you work hard. Yeah, those are two definite truths. If you're funny, you're funny. If you work hard, you work hard.

That's for sure. I think that what I've always thought was that we're lucky as men that we could get away with a lot more subject matter. Like a man can talk about politics and critique like what's going on in the world. But I think if women start doing that, like man, unless they're like really established, really established, like, unless you're, like, someone that you come to see do that, like maybe Janine Garofalo or someone that you go to expect that,

if an unknown gal is on stage and she starts criticizing the current administration, like, who's this fucking know-it-all bitch? You know? Right?

Right. And then, like, guys, a lot of guys do not like hearing women, like, in position of speaking if they have differing opinions. You know? Like, they're in, like, there's a lot of people, especially men, they're in this constant state of conflict and competition at work. They're constantly at work battling back and forth with their boss, dealing with their clients, and this and that.

And they're in this constant state. Then they go to a comedy club and some chick is on stage and she's talking about the difference between the Republicans and Democrats. You don't know shit about Republicans. Let me guess, you fucking libtard. You know what I mean? Like they're in this constant state. And a woman going on stage, I think it's an extra little hill to climb. And then sex is also what I would think is an extra little hill to climb because a dude can talk about just jizzing all over the place or you know you can talk about basically anything but a girl talking about sex it gets really tricky like girls will clam up they'll think you're a whore you know guys you

know don't know when you know they should laugh or what what's acceptable that a chick can get away with talking about yeah i had a lot of trouble with that when i first started because everyone tells you to talk about your life and i'm 24 like i'm having sex and like doing this you know i'm like that's my life right now and people are like oh don't talk about having sex because that's hacky that's what all girls talk about and it's like that's because we're having sex you know like you you're talking about things you're doing um i just say whatever i want that's good yeah that's the best way i don't really care i just my goal is just like i feel like as long as i come out of it funny if you come out if you come out of your set and it was a funny set no one's gonna be mad at you so if it was funny they can't be like oh stupid funny girl like i mean they can but then and it's

obviously it's obvious if you see like whitneyings or Chelsea Handler or even Joan Rivers, you could talk about whatever the fuck you want to talk about. I just have always felt like as a woman, it's probably like there's an extra little hump to crawl through. Oh, there definitely is. And I feel like ladies in the audience are tougher on women than they are on guys for sure. Because you can just almost see it on their faces that's another funny thing about kill tony is we have that perspective where you're sitting at a table facing the audience and you get to see what they're looking at for a change

like instead of just when you're on stage that camera one perspective you see the looks on their faces sometimes when this type of person's on or that type of person's on. And women, it seems like all of them are like, well, I know I have to be better than her. So let's see what she can do. And then you watch them get beat out of them after a few seconds. It's like, okay, I get it. She's a pro. And I judge too quickly.

I think there's some women that just aren't fans of other women. Totally. There's some women that. I love them. You love them? Love women. Oh, okay. No, you meant you love the women that don't love women.

Oh, no. You know, like there's some women that only have like male friends. They don't have any women friends. Those are the crazy ones. Are they as crazy as the dudes who only have girlfriends? No. Those are the gay ones. Those are the gay ones.

Are they as crazy as the dudes who only have girlfriends? No. Those are the gay ones. Those are the gay ones. You know, my wife had this friend who had a guy friend for like the longest time. And I was like, that dude is gay. And they're like, no, he's got a wife. No, he's got a kid. That dude is gay.

No, he's got a kid. No, he's a father. That dude is gay. Turns out in his 40s, that dude is gay. Wow. In his 40s that dude is gay Wow 40s is like fucking I can't carry this anymore And I was like I told you I told you did he start talking gay immediately It wasn't you know what it was man. It was there was like he was like way too into

Talking about like girl stuff like he was way too into talking about like shopping and gossip and i was listening to him talking i was like what is going on here like what is this like there was this extreme lack of of i mean it wasn't it was more like he was like a male woman than it was that he was homosexual because i never felt like he was hitting on me. He's a power bottom. Maybe he's a power bottom. It's a bottom that fucks back. That's a good point. But I'm not saying, he never showed any sexual attraction to men.

He just showed such feminine behavior patterns. And I was like, this is just incorrect here. What's going on? What was his wife like? Was she manly? They soon split up what's up the whole thing was a disaster but it's just it's uh it's it's fascinating to see someone like that

it's like battling it fighting it off and the poor bastard just gave in in his 40s just okay now he's got like a 20 year old boyfriend out of the closet and into the fire he's flaming get it yeah yeah i always hang out with mostly women but i think it's mostly due to my like growing up with my mom and my sister, though. Yeah, but you know a lot of dudes you're friends with. Yeah, but in general, in high school, I only had girlfriends. Never no guy friends. And then in real life, most of the time, I'm usually hanging out with girls.

I'm not calling up guys going, hey, let's go to a bar and get some drinks. I'm calling up a girl and going, hey, let's go to a bar and get some drinks. I'm never calling guys, except for like, I'm calling up a girl and going, hey, let's go to a bar and get some drinks. I'm never calling guys, you know, except for like, I'm not. When was the last time I called one of you guys? When Bryce 45 was going to come in here sweating. I can't handle it. It's because you're gay.

And I like gossip. I like TMZ and I live in a pink house. And you fuck dudes. Hey, you put that in there. I saw you slip that in there. The fuck dudes part. Have you guys talked at all about all this racial shit that's going on, the Ferguson riots? Are you talking about any of that on stage?

It's so deep. Have you seen that new Ferguson video, supposedly? But they can't verify if it's real or not. What are you talking about? It's the guy that got shot, him mugging an old man. Oh, I saw it. It's bullshit. Is it bullshit?

God, it's... Because Snopes says unknown if it's possibly true. What makes you think it's bullshit? Because it doesn't even look like the same guy. Oh. It's just like people still think all black guys look the same, and it just blatantly shows. Wait a minute.

What the fuck are you saying? Whoa. That's what people... Are you saying that they don't? I think... They look a lot alike. Some of them. Some of them.

Some of them? Yes. Okay, white people just look very different. All white people are all like different facial features. That's rude as fuck. No, that's not rude. That's rude as fuck. We're all white.

White people are so... They all look the same. I get them confused're all white. White people are so, they all look the same. I get them confused all the time. Yeah. No, white people look so different. Asians look the same. Puerto Rican women a lot of times look the same. Whoa.

Jesus Christ. Mexican guys. This bitch will never work in this town again. Wow. How dare you? I'm not racist at all. I'm just saying like, I feel like- All Jews smell the same.

I'm just saying like, white people are the only ones that look really, really different all the time. You don't agree with that? No. Maybe I haven't seen enough people. I don't know.

You're only 24, kid. Yeah. When you accumulate a database like we have. And you only see black people with the lights off anyways. Anyways, I don't think it's him in the video

and I think people are just looking for stuff and regardless if, if he wasn't mugging an old man the video starts in the middle of a fight so you don't know what happens right so people are just like oh he's just beating up this old dude and it doesn't matter it doesn't mean you can kill someone on a sidewalk for selling cigarettes no matter what they used to do you know what I'm most fascinated by with this not even just that it's it seems we're still stuck when it comes to race relations.

Like we're still stuck in this us versus them mentality that just hasn't gone away. That shocks me. But what really shocks me is that they just picked this one event. And this one event all of a sudden caught fire and became giant. Because there's so many of them if you look at the numbers of people like there's a there's a website that tracks the numbers of people killed by cops every year and uh like i think it's called cop kill dot something or another somebody tweeted to me today and i was like what and you you look at it like there's

like the fact that one just caught on and took off. It's weird. Yeah. But that happens. It happens like one thing makes its way to the forefront and then the public grabs a hold of it. And then next thing you know, they're out in the street. And then for it to happen. And then right after that Eric Gardner case happened, like, whoa, it's just like out of

control. You know, it's a tsunami. Did you see the hashtags after that whole thing happened the criming while white and living while black hashtags they're insane it's a bunch of white people hashtagging criming while white and admitting to crimes they've done that the police like i got pulled over drunk with a gun in my car and the police gave me a ride home and it's like all these things that they're admitting and then the living while black ones were all black people were like i went into a store and got questioned right and it was like just the difference between it was pretty interesting i've definitely seen a lot of those

living while black you know look i could see a lot of different sides to this the bottom line of all of it is we have to at a certain point in time, realize you can't just keep letting these poor people in these shit neighborhoods keep growing up in these neighborhoods and not try to help out, not try to fix that spot. Those spots that we have in our country that are really impoverished, those are critical errors in our system,

and we're just sort of letting them percolate. Less jails, more education, I think. Yeah, well well it's also like you could create a bunch of nice people instead of like having people grow up disenfranchised and fucked up you'd have people grow up that contribute to society but everybody's got this me or us versus them or you know all for one and you know like we don't have this this idea of treating the human race as like like a couple if we treat treated the human race as like an organism like one collective organ a team you would say okay we've got an issue here let's just clean up this issue and figure out a way to manage everything together treat it as like one

super organism that's our country one giant instead of thinking it as just a bunch of people living together on a patch of dirt let's think of the human beings it's like look we can't separate from each other unless you're a weirdo hertype dude who just wants to live in the woods. Everybody's around everybody. We all feed off of each other. We interact with each other. We exchange goods. We exchange services.

I mean, we need each other. We're a part of a team, whether we like it or not. Human beings, everybody we're around is a part of our community. So I think one of these presidents somewhere along the line is going to have to figure out a way to say that in a way on television where people listening go, oh, yeah. So instead of saying, oh, these welfare moms trying to give all these fucking welfare moms, you know, every baby they have, they get another check. Like, okay. Yeah. That's the least of our worries.

Yeah. The big worry is all these people are growing up in these crime-ridden neighborhoods and then they're just growing up and becoming adults and then they go out into the world and like you're dealing with a bunch of human problems yeah the worst is really the prison system fuck yeah it is it's the worst of the worst of the worst of our problems because i've been working on something recently that has to do with prisons. And so I found out about how the rest of the world does it and how they completely can rehabilitate people and get them back in society. And it's totally the opposite here,

where you basically create a worse criminal by sending them to prison, and then you send them back out again, and they have no idea what to do. Not only that, they make money off putting them In prison, which is the most insane thing ever There's a large number of private prisons in this country And they lobby to make sure that laws are in place that allow them to keep their prisons full

and they make all that money that they get from the government and they'll give the Prisoners like at the tent city in Arizona, they eat, like, 60 cents. I think their meals are 40 cents per day is what they're feeding the prisoner. And they brag about feeding the dogs more valuable food during the day. Like, the dogs eat, like, 70 cents worth of food per day. Yeah, and they make them wear pink.

Yeah. That's so sad. And then they dump them out on the streets when they're done with their sentence. And they don't have a job. They don't have good health. And then they go and rob a store again. And it could happen to anybody. Imagine, I mean, we're going to be in Phoenix, what, tomorrow?

Tomorrow. And something could happen. You know, they see Ari and his weird nose. Do you think they might think he's a terrorist? Maybe. For sure. If we're all together, he's a terrorist? Maybe. For sure. If we're all together, I think we'll be able to tell them. Luckily, Ari wears pink underwear

anyway. Well, we'll just Google his name and show that he's a hilarious stand-up comedian. Look, sir, this is a clip from his upcoming Comedy Central special called Paid Regular. Yes. They're also airing his other one. They're airing his other one now. What was his last one? They're airing his other one now. What was his last one?

Ari's last special? Passive Aggressive? Yeah. Holocaust something, right? They're airing that one too. Oh, yeah. Passive Aggressive. Holocaust, Revenge for the Holocaust was a CD that he did. So he's got these three things out.

He's got Revenge of the Holocaust, Passive Aggressive, and then this new one, Paid Regular. Amazing. When are you going to release something, Tony Hinchcliffe? I know you're chomping at the bit. You hear me talk about Ari, and I see your little fucking juices get flying. I'm waiting. You get excited and tense. That's what gives you these panic attacks.

That's what gives you weird ear pains. Ah, I'm going deaf. No, you're just freaking the fuck out. I'm waiting. Weird farts. Waiting for somebody to offer me something. Okay, here's the next question. When are you going to quit the cancer sticks?

When somebody offers me to shoot a special. That's when you're going to quit? Yeah. And then you'll be like, I can't quit now. It'll fuck me up. I need them. I need them to calm me down while I'm getting ready. As soon as the special's over, and then after the special's over, you're like, I've got

to write new material. I can't be thinking about anything other than writing new material. Once I have a new hour, then I gonna quit the cigarettes yeah and then i'm gonna get my own tv show and i can't quit smoking then because i want to smoke on the tv show bring it back like carson did why don't you try cigars cigars you don't inhale they're supposed to be better for your health that's how phil hartman quit smoking you could be just like phil it's true and i would do that, but everybody complains about everything.

The smell and the this and the that. Everybody's going to complain no matter what. That's your look, dude. Shut up. I'm trying to form a fucking image here. That's your look, dude. Fedora, cigar, vest. Hey, come on, guys. Let me fucking talk.

Cowboy hat Vest Fedora Fedora bro Maybe a cowboy hat Okay listen Vest, cowboy hat Cigar

No no Cowboy hat's not gonna work Beanie But he'll look just like Woody from Toy Story If he wears a cowboy hat Okay here's the deal Three piece suit, mohawk Okay

Three piece suit With a fucking solid mohawk smoking a cigar on stage what happened to all gold suit uh gold tie the mastermind dude i could see you with a scarf if you wear a scarf you're either gay or a cowboy you have two options right yeah yeah you can't be like a straight guy out for a night on the town with a fucking bandana around your neck. What kind of a guy wears a bandana around his neck? Like Tony in this cartoon.

A guy who wants you to choke him unconscious and fuck him. A guy who wants you to squeeze that thing until he blacks out and give him a good fucking. There's no other reason for a man, unless he's worried about dirt getting into his neck. I better get an audition for Woody if that happens. Do you think there'll be a live action Toy Story? Maybe. Why would they do that? They'll stop moving.

That would be so dumb. The kids would be like, why are we seeing real people? Where the fuck is Woody? That's not Woody. The kids are just playing with other adults. Sitting in a toy box. You'd be perfect. It'd be too weird.

Yeah, you'd be perfect for the Twilight Zone version when Woody comes to life yes yeah like the parents don't see it but the kid does and you're giving the kid really fucked up advice and you're Woody

yeah and the parents come in and all of a sudden you're back to being like a wooden doll again mommy my doll was just smoking a cigarette dude I watched

I binge watched a few of those recently those old school Twilight Zone episodes the best it was so amazing you know one of the cool things about it is they had so many Dude, I binge watched a few of those recently, those old school Twilight Zone episodes. The best. It was so amazing. You know, one of the cool things about it is they had so many different subjects to choose from.

And they had to do it with a relatively small budget. They didn't have much in terms of special effects. If you go back and look at some of the old special effects, they were unbelievably laughable. Yeah. I just watched Twilight Zone this morning before I left this morning before i looked which episode was it i watched uh the one beauty's only skin deep great episode where the girls want to fix our face they don't show it the whole time they don't show the doctor's faces either and at the end she's like beautiful and everyone's hideous oh wow and they're like we're gonna send you off with people like you and at the end it's just like she just

wanted to be like them oh my god it was a good spoiler alert it doesn't matter they're so awesome when the guy was clinging on the airplane wing yes that one with william shakner there's a man on the wing of this plane amazing and the fucking outfit the thing had on was so bad so bad it was a furry it was essentially like a furry. Like one of those people that goes to those conventions and dresses up like a mascot. That's what it looked like. And he's pretending to be like this gremlin. It looked like Pig Chewbacca.

John Lithgow was the remake of it in the movie, which was really good too. He's amazing. Yeah, their premises were so genius. There were so many good ones. My favorite one was To Serve Man. Did you ever see that one? Oh, it's the best. These aliens came down, and they brought with them this book,

and they were going to take people back to their planet, and people had all signed up to go to their planet. And the idea of the book was they're going to teach people about all their technology and how to you know how to space travel and all that shit so they get these people on the ship and as they're herding them on the ship they're all like much bigger than regular people as they're herding them on the ship the guy yells out or is a guy or a girl yells out it's a cookbook to serve man like you, like they thought that the title to serve man was giving man all these instructions and they deciphered all the different shit and they realized

they're going to eat all these people. And so they take off with these people in the spaceship and they're going to eat them. Wow. Yes. That's great. And it's so hokey looking. Like everything's hokey.

The space guys are hokey looking. The's so hokey looking. Yeah. Like everything is hokey. The space guys are hokey looking. The spaceship is hokey looking. Hitchcock holds up too. Fuck yeah, he does. It's amazing. Well, that's what we were talking about, like Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor movies. I almost don't want to watch them to see if they hold up, but Richard Pryor's stand-up totally holds up.

Totally holds up. Yeah. Undisputed. Undisputed. Undisputed number one of all time. Well, I think that he was the most influential, right? He was the most powerful. He changed what comedy is

to a lot of people. His honesty, when he was on fire and shit, it changed what comedy is to people. Yeah. When you were talking about sitting in the back of the room and watching people laugh, that was like the moment that I ever realized how crazy standup comedy was. My parents took me to see live in the sunsets trip.

I was in the audience. I was like, you know, a little kid, 13 or something. And all these people were like falling down, laughing in the crowd. And I remember thinking,

I've never seen this before. I've been to a lot of comedy movies. I never seen anybody falling down. And this guy's just talking. I was, I was thinking, I've never seen this before. I've been to a lot of comedy movies. I've never seen anybody falling down. And this guy's just talking. I was thinking, this is the funniest thing I've probably ever seen. And he's just talking. Crazy. He's the one.

Yeah, and that was at the store in the fucking main room. There's something weird about that. When you're standing on that stage in that room and you realize, whoa, this is where Richard Pryor filmed live on the sunset strip yeah motherfucker it's so cool to think about yeah do you guys uh get that like weird charge at a working at the store because of that because the history behind it all yeah totally and it's just cool how you're how you perceive it like your perception of the store just changes yeah like the more that you hang out there the more that you're immersed in it the less weird it is and then you

bring your normal friends and they're like what the hell yeah that's so true yeah you bring non comedians to the store and they're like what is this how is this okay yeah who are these people and uh how often do you come here again yeah this is This is your home? I don't know. What the hell? Well, for Ari, it really was his home. Ari used to walk there. He lived right up the street. He lived right next to Pink Dot. So he would just walk to his fucking apartment and walk down the store every day. And he was there every day.

That dude lived in that place. Yeah. I remember when I first started hanging out there, someone in the green room called it the Island of Misfit Toys. I was like, that's perfect. That's exactly what it is. Yeah, i think that was mitzi's uh term i'm pretty sure yeah i think it was right yeah what are you writing there fella you got an idea got something crazy a little comedy on the mind no something funny happened last night though i did the i was driving home from the art driving to the comedy store from the ice house and there was an amber alert on uh on the radio and the guy had a nicer car than mine

the abductor and i'm like this guy needs to get his fucking life together 2014 mercedes-benz i'm supposed to be on the lookout for really yeah and Well, yeah, it must be really hard to make it in life when you're like a serial killer or like a child molester or something along those lines. Like struggling with that and being super successful.

Yeah. That's gotta be crazy. That's what I'm thinking. Like this guy lives the kind of life where he wanted to be seen in a 2014 Mercedes-Benz and now he's the only guy with a 2014 Mercedes-Benz who wants nobody to see it.

Maybe he only likes kids with taste. It's like some American Psycho stuff right there. Yeah, right? Well, wasn't that the case? There was that guy that was on that show, Seventh Heaven, and it turned out he was molesting girls, like young girls.

Like that, I mean, obviously that guy could get a Mercedes. Right. I mean, sometimes people do get super wealthy while being sex criminals. I had such a crush on him when I was younger. Did you? He could have gotten it probably. The dad from Seventh Heaven? Whoa.

How old do you think you would have to be before you would give it up to him? Oh my God, when I was watching Seventh Heaven? Well, I was watching it when I was like 12 or 13, 14. And if you had met him at that time? I wouldn't have fucked him because I wasn't like a whore 14-year-old. Right. But do you think that you would have been like interested in hanging around with him? Yeah.

I was obsessed with him. I thought he was like so cool. The dad from Seventh Heaven? I was obsessed with him. I kind of liked him, too. Yeah. On the show, Seventh Heaven? Yeah was obsessed with him. I kind of liked him too. Yeah. On the show, Seventh Heaven?

Yeah. He has a charm for children. Yeah. So you guys were fans of Seventh Heaven? Well, it was like a weird, I used to watch it in like fifth grade. I've seen every episode and I watched him again. I'm not going to lie, like four months ago. Whoa. Whoa.

That's how I learned what huffing was because one of them was huffing paint. They were so good. Seventh Heaven. They were so good. That's how I learned what huffing was Because one of them was huffing paint Seven heaven That's when you know You fucking have fucked up Beyond fucked up When they're arresting you and you've got paint all over your face He had paint on his face? No, huffing

Oh yeah People that get caught huffing Have you seen those photos of dudes There's this one dude, it just looks methed out of his mind with silver paint all over his nose and his lips and his mouth. And you're like, oh, my God, dude. Welcome to this. This is the bottom. You just hit the bottom.

Doesn't go anywhere from here but up. That's some of the best episodes of cops, too, when they always catch the guys with the silver paint. But it's something about. I wasn't doing nothing, officer. Those shows that appeals to younger people that are a little bit more innocent, right? Yeah, and now I watch it and I'm like, whoa. That was a misdirect.

I thought I was learning so much. I'm in the world. I'm learning about huffing. I'm ready. It's great. Let's go. That's how I learn a lot of stuff. Yeah, when you watch a really dumb show,

that's one of the things you don't, as an adult, you don't always piece it together. This show is awesome if you're 12. Yeah, it's stupid as fuck when you're 15. But when you're 12, it's awesome. When you're 30, you can't watch that. But when you're 12, it gets you. It hits a certain tone inside of you.

It's like the costumes in The Twilight Zone. You're like, how did I think this was scary? But that was a long time ago, you know? Wow. This Seventh Heaven guy, that show was all about a preacher, right? Yeah. And his family.

And he's the preacher? He was a preacher in the show, yeah. Wow. Maybe he was just doing research for his role. Method actor. He was touching little kids. I just found a great video of this paint huffer

in a series of his over 14 years of his mug shots. Oh good lord. It starts off pretty... I think I saw that guy at roast battle. He does look like someone via the comedy spot.

That's 2009 Whoa Later in 2009 He didn't look so good Is he huffing meth? Oh my god Look at the silver on his face He's turning into Ronald McDonald

Every time they're arresting him He gets silver on his face He likes that color of paint March 2009 February 2000 Why are they going back and forth? Rowdy rowdy huffer over there That doesn't make any sense

They went from March to February. He had a breakout or something going on. Yeah, what does he got? Clumps in his beard. Oh, that's clumps of paint in his beard. But this is going backwards. This is February. This is going January.

Like, how is it going backwards? How do you have such a bad huffing problem? Okay, but this is weird because it's not showing like a progression. It's showing a regression. Whoa. Okay, there we go. Whoa.'s not showing like a progression is showing a regression Okay, but that's 2008 Backwards just to show you how he long he's been doing it. He actually looks better because of huffing paint I think huffing paint might be actually good for this dude. He's like you don't get it. Oh my god They busted him huffing paint 2005

He's like, you don't get it. Oh, my God. They busted him huffing paint in 2005. 2003. 2003 he was huffing paint. Oh, my God. He's got paint 2001 all over his face. It's always silver.

Oh, my God. It's his thing. That's hilarious. Oh, jeez. 98. Tony. They first busted him in 98. Why, he was a girl. What the fuck?

He's the Captain of Tennille. This guy looks so different. He could be an actor. I feel like it's going to end on me. All his roles. I feel like 95. I feel like we should do a documentary on that guy. Just give him all the pain he wants.

Faces of death. Ask him what he feels about life. Give him certain subjects and ask him to expand. Just film for like 10 hours and you can get 40 minutes of wisdom out of that. Do you think he started with Sharpies and then he graduated? I remember as a kid just sniffing Sharpies. Get them right up to my nose.

Especially those fat ones, the fat silver ones. Silver. The best. What is it about certain smells like that? Gasoline. Is that what it is? It's the best. No, it's just that gasoline the smell of

alcohol like rubbing alcohol yeah right but what is it about those smells that like attracts people we all love it everybody does yeah I've never met anybody doesn't like the smell markers you like smell markers Jamie yes he says yeah he's got a marker right there he's practicing Brian yeah but I used to hate the smell of skunks but now as a pot smoker, I love skunks. I loved the smell of skunk when I was little. That's interesting. Do you know that it was explained to me, or I read it somewhere actually, that when you smell skunk smell, that's how good a dog's nose is.

Is that skunk is such a particularly strong smell that you could smell it in just a few parts per million in the air. That's why you could be driving down the street and you could smell a skunk that's nowhere near your car, right? It's like nowhere near, not even 100 feet from your car, and you smell the skunk. How the fuck can you smell that skunk? Well, that's how a dog is with everything. That's why dogs can find dudes that are running through the woods

by sniffing their socks. They sniff the guy's sock, they get a scent, and go off like they just they just just like you could smell a skunk like oh it's over here it's over here like you know like roughly as you're walking on the street if you're getting closer to where that skunk is which is incredible if you think about there's no other smell like that for us we're just such a small amount maybe those stink bomb things remember those fucking things they used to throw in school? Oh, yeah, the little Capri Sun bags of stink. Those little things. When I was a kid, they were like these little glass vials,

and they would throw them on the ground and shatter them, and the whole school would just stink. One asshole threw them in the ventilation system of the air conditioning system. That's right. Yeah, he fucked the entire room up like the the whole class had to get evacuated just it was so bad like he just thrown it into the system went out into the hallways everybody was gagging we didn't have stink bombs but one time a girl

threw up fruit roll up next to me and i can still smell it like it's messed up fruit roll up next to me, and I can still smell it. Like, it messed up fruit roll ups for me forever. Yeah, I guess when someone throws up around you, your immediate instinct is to throw up because it could be that it's food poisoning and that you react to that you all ate the same food and you realize that they're getting sick, and before your body can digest it, your body goes, oh, this is bad food. So if you smell someone puking, you just start puking yeah that's that's amazing i love that stuff that natural uh like what's the one with um like women like if you smell a woman and and uh like there's like a a stink that you like then that means that you're far genetically apart.

Like a bad wiper? No, I know exactly. Pheromones. Pheromones. No, what you're saying is that you have different genes. You're not related in any way. So that makes them more attractive to you. Yes.

So it would be good to breed with that person. Right. Which is amazing. But that throw up one, that's a great one. I've always wondered why that is. I always wondered whether or not certain levels of diversity is attractive to people, like sexual diversity, just because of your genetics want to mix things up. You know what I mean? Like a lot of guys have Asian fetishes or maybe Norwegian fetishes, like blondes. They're like big blondes.

You know what I mean? Like people get these weird. And like what is that? It's like, well, you want to introduce those genes into your genes and just like push that new system out there, this new combination. Because if you mate close to your genes, then it could end up deformed or whatever. Yeah. Like it's very rare you see like an all blonde couple.

I love blondes. Blonde guy, blonde girl. Well, there's nothing wrong with loving blondes, but you have dark hair. So it's kind of like makes sense. But it's like so 90s, like blondes. You mean girls? Yeah. Like I just loving blondes, but you have dark hair, so it kind of makes sense. But it's so 90s. Like, blondes. You mean girls? Yeah. I just like blondes. I like blonde guys. You ever

go to the beach and go surfer trolling or something? Yeah. Hey, dude. Why are more dudes that surf blonde? Okay, there you go. Because that's a fucking stereotype right there. That is a stereotype. Surfer dudes are kind of dopey. You would assume they're blondes. Hey, what's up?

Didn't I see you on like a podcast? Because the sun bleaches their hair. Is that what it is? I think so. Yeah, but you assume they're idiots. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Right?

The sun bleaches their brain too. Yeah. Like a guy with like nice blonde hair will probably never be president. What's this, Fox News anchors? You know? It's got to be Sandy. It's got to be Sandy. I wonder. Is there anything? Like the stereotype of dumb blondes. president what's this fox news anchors you know it's gotta be sandy it's gotta be sandy i wonder

is there anything like the stereotype of dumb blondes is a very common stereotype what is in that what's that about is that just that we men prefer blondes so some blondes don't have to work as hard because they're blonde or is there there some weird link between having light hair and lower intelligence? I think it's a little bit of both. There must be some blonde geniuses, though. Yeah. I think it's a cultural thing. Really?

Yeah, like surfer dude, valley girl. That's what I picture. Blondes. Pop culture went a little bit overboard, and that's what everyone thinks of now with blondes more rich white women yeah they're the ones that are at home like with handbags and like i think that's what that's where it came from rich white women in their fucking handbags yeah am i getting really racist no no not at all that part where you said every race looks alike was

perfect yeah except white people right um but yeah like the the blonde thing like at the playboy level like playboy playmates were all blonde for a while like that was the stereotypical playboy playmate right blonde blue eyes right like how'd that happen like what what is that that's hugh hefner just being a fetishist yeah exactly like mitzi they used to say that mitzi hated blondes because she was a brunette and she was the queen of the comedy store so like i guess it was like impossible for a blonde girl to even not only not get passed at the store but it was hard for them to get waitressing jobs at the store like mitzi just had this arsenal of cute little brunettes everywhere but yeah well dude you know like people like mitzi shore like really like harsh like very eccentric people

like one person like that in an ecosystem can change the entire like like with comedy one person like her change comedy. It would be realistic. That club and her contributions and her insistence on keeping it crazy. All the madness that she would do. She would take comics that don't like each other and she'd put them back to back with each other so they had to introduce each other. Always. All that shit that she did, like letting the comics run that place. The lunatics run the asylum.

She created this whole comedy movement. letting the comics run that place. Yeah. You know, the lunatics run the asylum. You know, she created, like, this whole, like, comedy movement. If you think about all the guys that came out of that place, Kennison and Pryor and, like, you know. Letterman.

The list goes on and on and on, man. A lot of it because of that one lady. You know, Wendy in Denver, where you're going to be, January. What are the dates? January 2nd and 3rd.

Oh, good Lord, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Hinchcliffe comes to Denver. All weekend long golden pony triumphantly rides into town during the fucking heart of the winter good lord it'll be cool but tony warm your heart that's the pony riding into denver that's the thing about denver even when it's cold it's sunny out it's not even depressing it's just cold yeah when i was there with you uh when you did your taping there were some amazing fun facts on the wall like that it has more sunny days than san diego and stuff like that dude it's sunny as fuck yeah it's one of the coolest cities on the planet earth

denver absolutely one of the best spots ever and now with the the weed infusion that place is out of town they're just going crazy yeah there's apparently they passed it they passed legal weed in washington dc i don't know you've seen that but there's some new um challenge to it by this uh local politician who's being paid off a congressman who's uh being paid off by pharmaceutical companies this guy named named Andy Harris from Maryland, he just led the charge to overturn the will of Washington, D.C. voters by inserting language into Congress' spending bill that prevents the district from implementing the referendum they passed

to legalize recreational marijuana in the 2014 midterm election. The referendum, by the way, passed with 70% of the vote on election day, so this cunt He introduced language into a bill sneakily stopping this from passing when 70% of the population Wanted and when they asked him about it. He said that Relaxing marijuana laws clearly leads to more teenage drug use Which is just a lie. That's just not true. It's just not true that relaxing marijuana laws clearly leads to more teenage drug use, which is just a lie.

That's just not true. It's just not true. According to Gallup polls, obviously polls are full of shit, but marijuana use amongst 18 to 29-year-olds has fallen 20% since 1985. So even though weed is way more accessible than ever before, it's continued to drop.

Because it's not as sneaky now. Exactly. Yeah. It's not as thrilling because it's like everyone's smoking. Big deal. Yeah, we all know that effect. People don't like people telling them what to do. Exactly.

You know? Tell your kids what to do, they're going to rebel. Cops' kids always wind up being criminals or doing something fucking crazy. Right. That's true. I dated a girl in high school that was went to catholic school i went to catholic school yeah oh you dirty girl shut it i don't even want to hear anymore i went to catholic school too did you yeah girls it's really i'd imagine regular school being uh all girls now. It's tough though, man. I'm telling you.

Because that's hard to go to school with girls wearing skirts. And the girls were all super cute. And they'd roll their skirts up. And I remember, hey, I had a boner. Like eight hours a day. Going to school. You'd have to try to settle it it down before the you before class would end because you had to walk it was a big school three floors and you'd have to take the stairs

so you couldn't have the boner in between classes so you'd have to like focus on other things like your school work for the last couple minutes to get the boner away those 16 17 year old boners are so different too oh they're just throbbing. They're throbbing and they're relatively recent in your life. So they're incredibly confusing. Like if you're 30 and you've been getting boners since you were 15, that's normal. It seems like, oh, well, here's a boner again. I know how to deal with this. But when you're 15, you're like, oh, I don't know what to do.

You're so confused like the power it has over your system is you are dealing with millions of years of dna that's telling you to breed right and you're trying to find someone to do this with it's all going on be internally like behind the scenes but socially and culturally you're you're faced with repression and slut shaming and worry and fear of pregnancy and fear of disease and there's all this shit going on that confuses this like natural weird thing that your body's going through your body just wants to fuck you know when you're 16 that i remember that being so confusing like relatively like having a relatively good control over my life until I started getting boners. And then, you know, you wind up being like, what the fuck?

Like who am I? What I remember specifically is how much more powerful the boner was then. Like I remember. Not only does it throb, but it also, I don't know if this happened with you guys, but mine would stick just like straight up. It's not like it is now where if it happens then it's just a boner but it would be like pointed more

northward like a fucking compass or something. You can go back there with the boner pills. Well and we're confused at why teachers are having sex with 17 year old boys. They have throbbing dicks. Oh my god. Well I mean. Someone sounds like they want to fuck some kids.

Hey. No, yeah. I get it. Yeah. If your husband is like barely hard and there's some 16 year old kid that's just rock hard. All the time. Putting his leg to the side. Yeah. You're seeing an outline of it in his little pants.

Yeah. He wants to talk to you about football practice, and he just gets so confused during football practice. It's in its waistline all the time. Something happens and my legs get numb. And that's where you have to hide it. You have to hide it up top. You can't go any other direction with that.

You have to go along the belt and pull your shirt out a little bit, untuck the shirt. Or you've got to get into sweatshirts, those long ones that are a little bit too long for you. They go down, they cover your package. Then you have to carry your books in front of it all. Yeah, regulating kids having

sex is one of the most ridiculous things ever. Or trying in any way to regulate kids or stop them. Remember when they were trying to push that abstinence? That's the best. Abstinence is the best way to deal with sex with children. Just keep them from having sex. Abstain. Abst you should abstain it's like saying don't eat to hungry people it's like getting hungry people and putting in a room full

of food and saying don't eat that's how babies are made yes yes yeah I'm not telling them like look you know I wear a condom right I'll get on the pill like something needs to happen here you guys can't just be shooting loads at each other. You're 15. You can't make kids. You could if we were living 10,000 years ago and nobody had invented schools yet. But that's the other thing about schools.

It's like we take kids and we take them away from the people that they're learning from, which is adults, and we stick them with mostly other kids and a couple parents or rather adults that barely can control the room so that becomes this lord of the flies type situation like almost immediately when you get more than 30 kids in a classroom and most classrooms today because of budget cuts like fucking 40 people and shit

40 kids in a class and one teacher good luck controlling those little animals good luck and then they just start fucking each other right little wild monkeys stop them they're having parties parents are going out of town it's fucking banging each other and going nuts yeah the band kids were the horniest really and yeah we're so horny I don't know they were all fucking each other all the time this sounds like the most awesome opening to a porn. Where a girl's describing her life. It was always the band kids. She goes back to her memory. It's like a younger Kim with a camp outfit on.

A tuba. Where are you guys going? Why are you going for a hike with all your instruments? Where are we going to go play over in this field? Do you want to come? Yeah. You come over the top of the crest of the hill, and it's just a fucking orgy. Just tubas and gang bangs and fucking firebends.

Come get tromboned with a marching band. I like the thought of someone just having a triangle that just came for the sex. Yeah, yeah. Something to do with fucking maracas. Right, guys? So are we doing this or what? What are those things? Thimbles?

Not a thimble. What are those? Thimble. Tambourine. Tambourine. That's an asshole instrument. If you choose a tambourine, if you're like, I think tambourine. You just want to annoy people.

I love a tambourine. It can make certain songs have a little depth but if that's all you got you're an like if you show up and you're like doing a like on the side of the street doing a street performer thing and it's with a tambourine good luck you're gonna starve to death yeah let me just give you money to annoy him with that stupid tamper brodie brodie stevens i love brodie he always has that tambourine kick but he's around brodie stevens you know what he does do though That's hilarious

He plays drums on chairs Have you ever seen Brody do that Oh yeah He's really good at the drums So he'll bust out chairs For drums And just start playing them Like he's playing drums

And go off Like it's real That's one of those Late night Old school Original room Comedy store set type things

you know you see him doing that he takes great pride in inventing the art of chair drumming yeah Brody Stevens another one

at the comedy store is there anybody that does the tambourine well like is there like the lost art of the tambourine see if you can find awesome tambourine

performance there's not try that no way you never know somebody might know how to rock it. I guess.

Somebody might. Yeah, I've thought that before. I remember putting a tweet. Has anyone ever really mastered the tambourine? I was just thinking about it. How would you know? How would you know? You would have to go look, right?

Yeah. Do you remember like school plays when they did the musicals and they gave all the shitty kids that one little thing, thing, thing? Xylophone? That's what they gave the shitty kids that couldn't play in the musical. They're like, you just tap this one. You know what's really funny? When you're like four, that thing is the shit. Oh, it's dope as fuck.

All kids gravitate towards that, but it's a trap because there's not a lot of longevity in the xylophone. You start out thinking, yeah, I'm a fucking head of the curb. Yeah, but you've got to know when to bail. That's just bongos, dude. That's a tambourine in between his legs. Oh, no way. He made it an art.

Oh, his hair is sick. Isn't this the guy that was huffing me? He's actually playing the drums, though. I don't understand. The tambourine is making the drum, though. I don't understand. The tambourine is making the drum sound as well, right? Yeah. He's pounding on the top of the tambourine.

Pretty dope. Okay, I have to take it back because that's pretty dope. You don't like it? Does that count as playing just the tambourine? Yeah. Yeah. He's using the tambourine. But not by itself. No, that is.

That's just the tambourine. That's all the tambourine. He has it in between his legs instead of holding it like you normally see. I could see like a wild, crazy, eccentric man that has his bedroom done up like a jungle. And he brings you in and lays you down on a hammock. And then he puts this CD on. And it's all just this guy playing jungle tambourine music. And the guy comes down with like fucking feathers around his wrists and shit.

Some wild warrior headdress on. Those neck rings. This is how he fucks this kind of music. You couldn't see this? Oh, I can totally picture that. I can see you doing that, Tony. Well, you know, I've been knowing to bust out the tambourine from time to time. I don't see you playing it. I see you

putting that music on in the background, showing up with face paint on. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, this is actually a scene from my bedroom. That's the chick from Good Times. I don't see playing it. I see putting that music on in the background, showing up with face paint on. War paint. Whoa. Yeah, this is actually a scene from my bedroom. That's the chick from Good Times. Right? That's Mama from Good Times.

If church was like that, I would want to go. Church for black people is way better than church for white people. Oh, so much fun. Gary Owens has a whole bit about it. They turn up. Yeah. They turn up. For God.

Turn up for what? Or turn down for what turn up. For God. Turn up for what? They turn up for God. Or turn down for what? Turn up for Jesus. Turn down for what? You ever see that video, Turn Down for What? That fucking Little John video? Yes.

Have you seen that? Amazing. It's the greatest music video in the history of the world. Brian Callen sent it to me. He goes, this is the greatest thing you'll ever watch in your life. And I was like, are you really making me watch a Little John video? And then halfway into it, I realized, oh my God, this is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Turn down for what? He's great. He's a wild motherfucker. Look, new Mountain Dew Dorito flavor. That's disgusting. Doritos. Doritos.

That's disgusting. That's like a list. See, a guy like a Little John is a perfect example why everybody shouldn't take a standard path through life.

You know, high school, college, get your shit together, 401k plan. No, no, no, no, no, no. In order for a dude to have diamonds all over his teeth and be some crazy

motherfucker, you need to have an eccentric childhood. You need to have a very unusual path and upbringing. You don't just make a little John. He is so cool in real life. I hung out with him. We had a crazy night in Nashville. We both have a mutual friend who flew us out for his birthday party like this blowout 50th birthday party for john rich big

musician and uh i roasted him he flew me jeff ross and sarah tiana to his 50th well actually his wife did to roast him he has like a house of blues in his house he has a big five-story house on a mountain in nashville john rich so and i roasted uh i roasted little john too because he was out in the audience but i had to you know i had to acknowledge him right right right and uh did he have the sunglasses on when he's in the audience oh yeah he had everything he had the whole look i go nowadays when little john is yelling what it's because he's gotten old and he couldn't hear you. The sunglasses, if you were on $25,000 pyramid,

that would be under things only black people can wear at night. Sunglasses, ting. That would be like one of the first ones. Black people and Bono, that's it. But Bono had to say that he had glaucoma because people were like, what the fuck, Bono? You're always wearing sunglasses. But black people can just get away with it.

Floyd Mayweather, every interview he does, he wears sunglasses. He does award shows, he wears sunglasses, walks up to the dais with sunglasses on. And no one says anything. If a white guy tried to do that, can you imagine if a famous white boxer like Vladimir Klitschko, the heavyweight champion if he showed up with sunglasses on they're like that motherfucker isn't even training he went hollywood yeah look at

him white guys wearing like sunglasses indoors or at night shows a lack of dedication to your craft right it looks a lot douchier when white guys do it i think why is that well what if it was like the right like rock and roll vibe then maybe it could work. Yeah, Elvis can get away with it. David Lee Roth can do whatever the fuck he wants. I'll tell you that right now. It's like a rock and roll vibe. It works. The way I call it, David Lee Roth can do whatever the fuck he wants.

Paul Schaefer. With Joe Perry. When we had Joe Perry in, Joe Perry could do whatever the fuck he wants. Slash. Slash can do whatever the fuck he wants. Axl Rose, though. If he's wearing sunglasses, you're like, you're high, bitch. Mick Jagger could wear them.

That was Paul... Paul Schaefer. Paul Schaefer. He could basically do whatever the fuck he wants. Yeah. He's eccentric. He's allowed to.

Elton John. Totally. Remember he used to wear those glasses? Elton John can do anything. That's the one exception to every fucking rule, huh? He could wear a wig.

Totally. He could fucking put on crazy glasses. He can fucking wear silly hats. He can do anything he wants. Did Rod Stewart wear huh? He can wear a wig. Totally. He can put on crazy glasses. He can fucking wear silly hats. He can do anything he wants. Did Rod Stewart wear glasses? He could do whatever the fuck he wants. He wrote Maggie Mae.

It's like if you get one Wake Up Maggie song in your life, you know, that song just knocked it out of the fucking park. He's done for life. He's always Rod Stewart. No matter where he goes for the rest of his life, that's Rod motherfucking Stewart.

I went to a Rod Stewart concert once. Me too. When I was 15 and I didn't appreciate it, so we left early. Oh, no. We were such, yeah, we didn't even, we were like, this fucking is weird. He's wearing weird pants. Let's get out of here. He definitely wore weird pants.

Yeah. And it was just like all these older people like dancing in the front. We're like these moody, like angry teenagers with our bangs to the side. That song is so goddamn good. He's got a bunch of songs that are so goddamn good. But then he went like disco later. He got into like that disco phase. You know, the early shit is like my favorite shit of his.

But then he got like, he got that sexy song. If you want my body and you think he started looking like a bird too it just wasn't the same shit you know it's like that was like it was more of a like a lower frequency than the old like maggie may is like this deep rich storytelling song yeah and when that song resets three fourths of the way through and that mandolin comes through if you don't get the chills kill yourself I like a song about a

chick fucking up a dude's life too I like that I like hearing those songs I support that do you girls find it's hard to date guys because they worry you put them in their act your act rather no they're just not as funny to me because guys try to impress girls by being funny, right? And I'm constantly around the funniest and so I'm just like this is terrible

It's off right? Yeah, it's weird situation because then sometimes I'm like, oh, maybe I should just date like a bank teller And then I'm like, oh, this is so boring and lame and then I you know, you don't want to date someone That's always busy like you. So it's like, date yourself. Well, isn't it? There's also the weird thing about comedians is that you guys go on stage. I mean, we all go on stage pretty much every night. So every night, they're like, hey, let's go do this and go to Napa.

You're like, I got to do a set. Especially when you're really like right now, like you are right now Like how I am right now Where you're in the middle Of like a bunch of new bits And you're like super excited About all these new bits You gotta feed those bitches Every day

Like you can't just let them You have a new bit You can't put that fucker On a shelf at all You gotta jump on it And keep watering it Nobody wants to hear that shit If you're dating them

All you care about Is your fucking jokes You just wanna go To the comedy club and make a bunch of dudes laugh? Is that what it is? Be fucking cute up there? I'm sorry, is your dick paying me? What if they said, yeah, I'll pay you with some Bitcoin. Bitcoin.

Apparently there's a Toyota dealership that just started accepting Bitcoin for payment for fucking cars In Palm Beach, Florida And Microsoft started accepting Bitcoin Wow Microsoft started accepting Bitcoin For their app Whatever it is

Store, they call it a store Market, app market Whatever the fuck it is I don't even get it Me neither Is it gonna take off? Is it worth learning about? Yes Yeah If you listen to this podcast I don't even get it. Me neither. Is it going to take off? Is it worth learning about? Yes.

Yeah. If you listen to this podcast with Andreas Antonopoulos, this guy that we had on, we've had him on three times. And every time he talks, I get more and more convinced. And this is the third, the last third latest podcast. I'm like, this shit actually has a chance. Antonopoulos? Yeah.

Isn't that the brown elephant from Sesame Street? I'm a grown man. That's Snuffleupagus. I don't know. That's different. That's the guy you neverolis? Yeah. Isn't that the brown elephant from Sesame Street? I'm a grown man. That's Snuffleupagus. I don't know. That's different. That's the guy you never see. Yeah. Snuffleupagus you never see.

Antinopolis, he's been on the podcast three times. Oh, okay. Pay attention, son. Anyway, he's convinced in the value of digital currency. He's absolutely convinced and convincing. He's a brilliant guy. So when he talks about it, and he's as knowledgeable about Bitcoin as anybody, explains the algorithm behind creating it,

and he explains why it's viable and why companies are jumping on board. PayPal uses it now. Dell Computers uses it now. Tiger Direct uses it now. I mean, it's getting to the point where companies just up and up are starting to use it. And if it becomes an accepted form of currency, boy, that's going to get really weird. It didn't even exist three years ago.

So you've got to think, like, three, four, five years ago, there was no Bitcoin, right? So what is it going to be like five years from now if you can buy a car with it today? Wow. Yeah, I saw an ATM, a Bitcoin ATM in Hollywood, and I was like, what is that? What is that? Yeah.

Yeah, what the fuck is that? You're going to be able to adopt kids with bitcoins. Does it think... Do you pay to adopt kids? Do you? I don't know. I think you do. There's probably some fees.

Do you have a plan? To buy them with bitcoins? No, to like never have a kid, just to adopt one. That way you pay for it. Oh, no. I need to have a kid. I think my plan is to marry someone that's down to be a house dad. A bitch?

And let me make money. You want to marry a bitch? No, he needs to be manly, too. He can chop wood in the yard. By the way, I'm joking. I don't think that if you're a house dad, you're a bitch. No. The traditional roles of mother and father.

I have a friend who's essentially a house mom. His wife has this very high-powered job and he's a professor at Stanford he teaches like a couple days a week but other days he's home so he's home all the time with his kids and he's the one who's around them all the time and it works that's part that's one of those hard parts about being a woman comedian too and like wanting a family because we have a biological clock and I'm also working it's like men can take their time and get established and be 70 year old millionaire and then find some like hot young girl to impregnate but we have like a we have to do it like now it's like now or never

yeah you have to trick a guy quick do you feel that how rude you don't agree sarah dude how fucking rude i feel like who wants to be like the old dad that misses their kid's stuff? The dads with millions and millions of dollars. They're not thinking like that. They're just being selfish probably. When you see a 65-year-old guy who has a kid, they're not thinking, boy, I know I'll be here 40 years from now when I'm 105. This kid's set.

I'm going to be in his life. No, they're just having a kid. Yeah. I mean, maybe it's good. Maybe it's bad. You know, who knows? I mean, I think that's the thing about human beings is like, even under less than ideal circumstances, a lot of times cool people come out of it. It's a real dilemma involved in raising kids because you want to protect your kids. but the reality is adversity builds character and meeting weird people shitty people mean people like it gives you like a database to draw from and and then the other thing we've talked about this before but being around people who are kind

of shitty makes you appreciate people who are really cool what are you doing with your hand gestures uh-huh 10 minutes okay i wasn't sure was behind me. And then you smelled your own armpits. And then I smelled my microphone. He caught a whiff and was like, what the fuck is this? Oh, is this me?

Oh, good lord. Good lord. So, Kill Tony is on the Death Squad Podcast Network. It's on, pretty much you guys do it once a week, right?

Live at the Comedy Store every Monday night at 8. Every Monday night, live at the Comedy Store. If somebody wants to get tickets, do they buy them in advance? Do they get them at the door? Just make reservations online or you could just get them at the door. At the Comedy Store's website? Yeah.

So go to ComedyStore.com. Yeah. And DeskWad.TV for all the links to all the podcasts. Videos and audio. Video and audio and also tour schedule for all the Brian shows, all the ones you do with Tony. I mean, you're constantly doing stuff on the road. You've got some shit coming up, right? And we have a good one.

Next Wednesday, we're having a benefit show at the Comedy Store. Jeff Ross says he's probably going to do it. And Kim might actually be roasting, doing a quick roast at the beginning. And Kim might actually be roasting, doing a quick roast at the beginning. Because all the money is going towards buying a new sound system in the belly room where Kill Tony is recorded and where the roast battle is recorded. So, yeah, check it out. Joe, you said you're going to do it also. Yeah, I'm going to do it also.

Tom Segura. Yeah, it's going to be great. We're going to get all new speakers in the belly rooms. The live show's better. Yeah shows better yeah shows taking place on that right now it's all going through you would never believe it if you looked at it for the energy that's in those rooms during roast battle and kill Tony

it's all coming through two little tiny like bathroom speakers well how much the speakers cost I don't know we I told the general manager just go in there you know because they need a new soundboard also the soundboards just a I don't know I told the general manager to just go in there you know because they need a new soundboard

also the soundboard is just a shitty soundboard that's been you know destroyed a thousand times and so just to get a quote and then whatever it is we'll just

put it towards whatever that is that sounds dope so we can maybe do a few shows if you don't make the money in one show yeah exactly

we'll do a few shows yeah absolutely I think that's what it's called glorious my friends so that's the 17th right yeah that's what it's called. Glorious, my friends. So that's the 17th, right? Yeah, it's the 17th, 8.30 at Comedy Store. It's comedystore.com. And that's a Wednesday too, right?

Yes, yes. Wednesday, December 17th. That day I have Ron Finley on the podcast. He's that guy that's growing farms in L.A., in the inner city. He's doing these urban farms where he's helping people grow their own food in these like abandoned lots and teaching them how to grow like healthy nutritious food

and like Compton and Watts and shit like that in Inglewood it's really badass something that we've been talking about for a long time like like people like like the cost of food like how difficult it is to like get food and like why don't we have like community farms where like the whole block is responsible for like one one area where we all grow vegetables and we all get the food from that and we distribute it evenly amongst each other this guy's doing that amazing yeah he's got a ted talk on it so he's going to be there uh on the podcast that same day very cool indeed anything to add den? Denver. Denver. Denver. Denver. I love you.

I'm coming. Wendy is the best, and she told me that I'm headlining. I can't even believe it. So please come see me January 2nd and 3rd. It's a really big deal for me. Yeah. And Tony will be with me tomorrow night. We will be together with young Ari Shaffir, a.k.a. the Renegade Jew. Super Twink and the Renegade Jew at the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix.

The Celebrity Theater spins in a circle. It's like a theater in the round, which is pretty interesting. And people are going to look at your ass while you're on stage. I'm so excited about that. You cool with that? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to stuff it with toilet paper or something.

Oh, I thought you were going to say like CIA style. They were stuffing people's asses with food. Did you hear about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or rectally feeding them to get them to give up information. I'll tell you what, I'm never more truthful than when you're shoving crackers into my asshole. That's when

I really come with the truth. I'll rat out anybody. That doesn't even make any fucking sense. Like, what kind of an asshole? Like, that's the only way you can fucking get that guy to talk? Let's put food in his ass. That's so unoriginal. Oh no,

not that cucumber. I'll tell you what the bomb is. All right. All right. So we will be back. Podcast wise, we'll be back on Monday, my friends.

So until then, go fuck yourself. Have a beautiful life. Hug your kids. Pet your cat. Tomorrow night, see you guys in Phoenix Oh, Twitter pages

Ladies At Kimberly Congdon Spell that shit C-O-N-G-D-O-N, Kimberly And you have an odder one Mine is Princess Shank So princess like normal And then another S, so three S's in a row

H-E-N-K Sarah Wine Shank and Kimberly Congdon. Renegades of comedy. Warriors of joke telling. Kill Tony on the Death Squad Network. All right. Kill Tony Pod also. Kill Tony Pod.

Okay. All right. We love you guys. And we'll see you soon. Bye-bye. Big kiss. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.