The Joe Rogan Experience - #59 - Ralphie May

Episode Date: December 1, 2010

Joe sits down with Ralphie May.

Let's go! Black, Chanel, cologne and hot steak Dressed to impress Spark a bitch's interest Sex is all I expect Cause they rock TV in the left They know, they know What a fast flow Left the club tips, say no more Except how I'm getting old tomorrow She's a drop it off when it's easy to be home

Back of my mind, I hope she swallowed Man, she took a drink on my three wallows Reached the gate, something just ached Riffin', she got the meat to work my feet This must mean she ain't tryin' to wake Conversate, sex on the first date I stick, you know what you do to me Thoughts love, but I don't usually

Then I, whip it out, rub her no doubt Step out, show me what you all about Fingers in your mouth, open up and blab Throw your cheese, bring them down Blew that bag out, in the parking lot Buy a taro tea and a green drop top How good was Biggie? Man. The best. The best ever.

Hip-hop died with him. It was in the hospital with Tupac. And then it went dead with Biggie's death. And then it became hip-hop. And then everybody was going out for dollars. And they made a lot. They made a lot of shitty music. Except for Eminem and Jay-z maybe Nas mouthy may dropping rap knowledge Ralphie Mays in the house ladies and gentlemen this is our guest

he's very disgruntled at the world of rap music and I know it's your concern as well this show and all shows are sponsored by the fleshlight Ralphie you ever felt the fleshleshlight, sir? No. No one has fucked this, but a lot of people have fingered it. It's patented rubber, too. This Fleshlight is not a virgin, but it's like a slutty junior high school girl. It's been fingered a lot.

Isn't it amazing? It feels great, right? Pretty creepy. Dude, it's way better than just regular jerking off. And the best thing is if you have somebody else hold it and fuck you, it's even more detached from your own body, so it feels like you are actually having sex. Have you done that, Joe?

Have you had somebody else hold the fleshlight for you and fuck you with the fleshlight? No, when someone else is there, I'm going to fuck them. How dare you? Unless it's a boy, why is he holding it? Well, it's like the handjob. It's the newest handjob. I mean, if a girl is going to give you a handjob nowadays, hey, give me a handjob with a fleshlight instead. It's way better than a regular handjob. holding it? Well, it's like the hand job. It's the newest hand job. I mean, if a girl's going to give you a hand job nowadays, hey, give me a hand job

with a fleshlight instead. It's way better than a regular hand job. Is it? Oh, dude, try it. How about if it's a girl's hand? A girl's hand is always going to feel better.

It's a human person touching you. Ralphie says no. But, I mean, it's... Fruit. Can you come with... Baskets. I'll fuck everything.

What? Baskets? No, man. What's wrong with... Can you come if a girl's giving you a hand job? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, I can. I'll fuck everything. What? Baskets? No, man. What's wrong with pussy? Can you come up for girls giving you a handjob? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. I can.

I know. You're a demon, dude. You're a demon. I can't. Ralph, you need some more stimulation? I need pussy. Okay? I've never even come from a blowjob.

What? I know. I am the same way, Ralphie. Same way. I do not like blowjobs. Maybe it's the way girls are blowing you too. Maybe girls are blowing you too like this. No.

No. That sounds great. I would love the option, but I'm married. I'm sealed, man. I like all my shit. I just stay on the straight and narrow, man. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is even her, even the own Mrs. May.

Oh, yeah, man. Yeah, my wife, she's a horrible blowjobber. Let's be honest. I mean, she's a Jew broad. It comes with the territory, you know? They nag, but they're good with money, and they get great kids. A lot of Jewish girls, that was the reputation that they liked to get blowjobs.

Not this one. Back in Boston. Yeah, that's what I always thought. Have you ever heard that? If you go with the stereotype. I've never heard of that one ever, ever. Oh, my God. Really? That's Yeah, that's what I always thought. Have you ever heard that? Yeah, definitely. If you go with the stereotype. Definitely. I've never heard of that one ever. Ever. Oh, my God. Really? That's some shit she's been keeping from me. Yeah, I've heard that.

On the first day of Hanukkah, finally something good for the Jews. I'm lighting a candle just for that one tonight. We got a menorah that we've had for seriously nine years, ten years. I found it in the garage. I went and got a candle. All right? And the kids are just going to sing Happy Birthday because that's all I know. I don't know any Hanukkah songs.

I don't know anything about it. My wife's not a good Jew. All right. But I'm lighting a candle just for that one. Just letting my daughter know she's got a good rep. I always heard that Jewish women are just the craziest in bed. They do anything. They're just this crazy sex machine.

And she did fuck me. That's black chicks, dude. So that makes me fucking crazy. Yeah, it is black chicks. Damn it. I need to try it once. You've never tried a black girl? No.

Because I might get De Niro'd, son. You might get bingo'd. You might get De Niro'd, so you're not even into white chicks anymore. You might start talking like Ralphie Ray. It might be true. I was at BW3. You might start gangstering out. Come on, girl. Come on, baby. It might be true. I was at BW3s. You might start gangstering now.

Come on, girl. Come on, baby. No, there's this black chick at BW3s last night. That's your next move, dude. It was so beautiful. She was beautiful. Keep on going to that tan bed. You're telling me you're a Nigerian. You don't even have to tell him that, man.

You're just a white dude who likes black chicks. Yeah. Just be you, son. Embrace. Embrace your inner love of black chicks. That's the next move for you, sir. Embrace. Embrace your inner love of black chicks. That's the next move for you, sir. That's what I see.

Some hard-ass black chick that fucks the shit out of you and tells all your ex-girlfriends to step. Fucks like Lil' Kim. Anger. So if you have any issues with ex-girlfriends, they're scared of that black bitch. That crazy bitch with the big long nails. The girl at the BW3s in Burbank, the bartender. You are cute. Whoa. What are you, a fucking five-year-old?

Go tell her in person, bitch. This is faggotry. I don't even use that word anymore. Do you like me? Check one, yes, no. I want to take you to the Olive Garden. Oh, God. Talk about you're the Olive Garden.

Jesus Christ. Unless they're a sponsor. Brian, how dare you? How dare you? How dare you come off like a 12-year-old on this show? I like you. Do you like me? Check one, yes, no.

Please AIM me. You smelled really good. Just give out your AIM. I know you got one, you fucking weirdo. Here's my Facebook. Ralphie May rocks it so old school, he doesn't even have a Twitter. How do you like them apples? Yeah, what's up with that?

It's almost nonexistent. I mean, I do it once in a while. He's got like five tweets. Do you text a lot? Yeah, and I'm sick of it. Ralphie, you got to get on the Twitter. There's people out there, Ralphie, that want to talk to you, man. They're happy you're on the show today.

And they go to my shows and they say, what's up? Oh, yeah, there's a lot of people. Actually, today I got a lot of phone messages of people saying, because a lot of people actually they um uh today i got a lot of phone messages people saying because like a lot of comics watch your uh podcast yeah yeah cool they're like i gotta move this out of my face this is freaking me out i'm like trying to move around it while I'm looking at you. The podcast stand, folks. Microphone stand, rather. It's in his mouth.

Yeah. So, well, yeah, you got to use the Twitter, man. It's very important. There's a lot of people that want to talk to you. And not only is it good for promotion, it's great for writing comedy. It gives you like a joke beginning with some jokes. Yeah, you start talking shit about things. It's fun.

Yeah, but I'm nervous. I'm nervous that I would become too exposed what are you talking about and um like you know uh i would become too exposed as as like you know a go-to guy for free you know what i mean it's like you know am i gonna i write hours and hours of material you know right now i have three and a half maybe four hours in rotation that I do separately. That's awesome. And it's all different stuff, and it's all the same basic thing. And so I find myself just writing the same thing over and over again in a different form and a different subject. You know what I mean?

The same formula. And I'm nervous that I would get polluted by other comedians. And, you know, I just don't want to open myself up. Polluted by other comedians. You don't have to follow i just don't want to open myself up polluted by other comedians you don't have to follow anybody you don't want to follow and you can some people like i don't think louis ck for the longest time didn't follow anybody brie olsen zero followers really she's never replied has never replied to anybody zero followers you try to make her reply she will not do it she almost seems like she's like an app like type in you know it just automatically puts

something sexy mixed with something you might be absolutely right about that because i've read some of those that she writes because they like been featured on websites and shit and they're crazy yeah they're all like you know i'm gonna go down to this high school and try to get five dudes to shoot loads and make right right i'm at the airport right now i have dried cum in my face. But if you watch her videos, you're like, well, she's obviously for real. I don't know. I'm not familiar with who y'all are talking to. Brie Olsen. She's funny.

Very popular young porno star. Oh, man. With a wonderful personality. I'm sure. Excellent sense of humor. I'm sure. She gets it. Brody Stevens.

She gets it. Take meat. She can take meat. It's weird, man. We've talked about this on the podcast before was she one of the girls that in like the biggest slut contest for how i don't know i don't know maybe yeah i think you're probably right so yeah man and she was talking about how she'd fuck a retard and fuck everybody dude those i love it yeah i can tell her that's awesome those girls that do

those gang bangs man that's a different species that's a weird thing man that's awesome. Those girls that do those gangbangs, man, that's a different species. That's a weird thing, man. That's another human, bro. That's another kind of human. Speaking of another human, I saw Jay London picking up trash on Laurel Canyon. Wow. Creeped me out. What was he doing? He was picking up trash.

For somebody? Was he working? Man, he had an orange jacket on. I mean, an orange vest on, like safety vests. Maybe he did something and he got arrested. I don't know. Isn't that what usually that is? Isn't that guys that get arrested sometimes?

I think so, man. I think so. And it was crazy. Yeah, I went from last comic standing with you, right? Yeah, last comic standing. Was he on a season with you? No? No, no, like the next one.

He was on the next one? Yeah. You know, Jay and I were on the first TV show I ever did in 19, I think it was 92. It was Spotlight Cafe, this weird show in New York, and Jay was on it with me. Wow. I always thought, wow, this guy is so quirky and interesting. He's going to be a famous comedian. Then he got on Last Comic Standing.

I'm like, wow, here it goes. Maybe people start recognizing him at the comedy store. Yeah. And then nothing happened. And then it all stopped. It just went away. You have done the best of anybody of capitalizing on that last comic standing crowd and running with it. Totally.

You ran with that shit, dude. There's a lot of guys who like, John Heffron ran with it pretty well too. Yeah. But I think you ran with it even better. I'm still running. You're just more prolific. Well, it highlighted you more than anyone. You were the only person on

that show that when i watched you when it was originally on i saw you blow up audiences i mean you just destroyed on that show you weren't like like a regular last comic standing person you were tearing up rooms jay moore came to me and told me and showed me the minutes from an NBC meeting. Okay? Like he probably shouldn't have. And he told me that they were nervous about having someone my size on NBC a lot, especially in prime time. Worried about, like, you dying or something? No, just the image it would put out there.

They were embarrassed by my size. Whoa. What does that feel like? It's crushing. But i use it as motivation and he goes the only way they're not going to uh uh get you off of this is if you get a standing ovation every show that's the only way they can't deny it it's because we can't retake that tape and uh and he goes we won't be able to if you every joke kills we won't be able to show you bombing what is he goes if if every joke of yours kills right then we won't be able to show that you bombed to tell you that you lost to show the audience that

you lost meaning you have to get a standing ovation every show. And every joke be your hardest that you've ever delivered it. That's the only way these people aren't going to get you out of here. Whoa. So they were plotting to get you out from the beginning because of the way your body is. Yeah. Wow. But yet now one of their biggest shows on TV on NBC is Biggest Loser.

Yeah. Well, for those folks who don't, who listen on iTunes and you're not familiar with Ralphie, Ralphie's, how big are you, Ralphie? Right now, I'm 418. 418 pounds. That's down from over 700. Wow. Jesus.

I know. I've lost a whole fucking fat guy and I'm still fat. It's not that much of an accomplishment. You were 700 at one point? Yeah, man. Brogan, you remember the back of the comedy store? Dude, you wanted to take me to the strip joint just to see any girl getting near my dick? All right?

And you wanted to throw me in your Acura, and there was no fucking getting in? Yeah, that NSX was not having it. It was sick. It was a sick car, but there was no way I was getting in there. And I'm like, I love you, Joe Rogan. I love your heart. I love your heart. You have to be careful about what cars you get in, huh?

Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. They're all pretty much, you know what I mean? I got into a ridiculous $600,000 Mercedes Benz. $600,000 for a Mercedes? Yeah. What kind of car is that?

It's a convertible and it's like 700 horsepower. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The AMG... Some shit. Beverly Hills Mercedes Benz. My friend, ex-comedian is the sales manager there. I don't think it's that much. I think it's $350,000.

No, it's $649,000. That's 200 inch plasma TVs in the trunk. Maybe I'm wrong. maybe i'm thinking of another model yeah it's just bad at but totally the most uncomfortable car i've ever been really yeah but my beamer i got a 650i convertible and it's fine i don't have no problem no ralphie says no problem i'm all about comfort ever since i got my new car it's like the biggest mom car ever you know it's a ford edge but i you know it's so that's a good car dude it's fucking comfortable and it's so techie like yeah you know there's everything i love it i'm telling you what

american cars are fucking making a comeback seat warmers are the shit man and your lower back you don't feel the fatigue you have a little i gotorrhoid. I got a Mustang I drive. I got a Shelby GT500. Oh, really? Convertible, yeah. You always get good toys, though, man. You always get good toys. This one's the dumbest one ever, though. All you have to do is, anytime you want, stomp on the gas and the car goes sideways.

Sideways, right? Just start spinning wheels. How many horsepower is that? 550. And that car is... Lumina mentions. It's a tiny car. It's a pony car.

And it's lightweight. Yeah, it's lightweight. It's got a live rear axle, so it handles like shit. But it's fun. car it's a pony car yeah it's lightweight it's got a live rear axle so it handles like shit but it's fun you just stomp on the gas and just leaves rubber dude it's just it's a pure american experience a car like that like yeah it's not sophisticated it's not the best way to get around not the best handling but god damn that shit is fun it's fun yeah you stomp on the gas it's 550 horsepower and it's supercharged and so you hear the supercharger whine and you hear that v8 supercharged you hear

the v8 and the whee the whine in here that's getting it done dude it's like a different thing it's not just driving it's not just getting in your fucking your yukon and you know going to the supermarket there's something extra fun about it very irresponsible of course there is man it's like James Bond like some danger shit could happen anytime

it's just it's just fun it's just fun even if you're not speeding it's fun you know it's the lurch of it just the rumble

you feel the power in those cars you should hear my turn single when I go around the neighborhood it's just awesome it's like but those are good cars

fuck it man yeah you're alright Brian you're making yourself over you're turning Armenian on me when I go around the neighborhood. The edge is awesome. It's like, but those are good cars. Fuck it, man. Yeah. You're all right, Brian. You're making yourself over. You're turning Armenian on me. You're moving to Glendale. You got the beard. You're tanner than ever.

Is that the next move, Glendale, do you think? Well, my beard says yes. But I want to go to the beach. I can't take it anymore. I need to go to the beach. There's something that's calling me about the beach. Really? Yeah, I just...

Maybe it's a tsunami. Have you ever been down there? Tsunamis calling you. The vibe. The vibe in the beach. Really? You like that? It's peaceful, man.

Everyone knows everyone. It's peaceful. I totally agree. Yeah, I think there's something... It's homeless and it's staky. It smells like piss. Yeah, it's Santa Monica, but you go down to Playa del Rey. You go down to Hermosa.

It's just wider than... White people in traffic getting there. White people? What. It's just wider than that. White people and traffic getting there. White people? What? It's just white people. No homeless people. The most homeless person that's there has a credit card to Sears. I'm always saying that.

Fuck white people. Yeah, right? I'm tired of their bullshit. I am tired of their bullshit. Man, this shit with fucking Arizona is bullshit. I mean, they're giving white people a bad name. Yeah. The whole, yeah.

You know, the real problem is we need to kill these fucking crazy assholes in Mexico that are just gunning people down for cocaine. Dude, 28,000 since 2005. They got a bad problem down there. And it's totally unaddressed. All of Iraq, U.S. losses, 5,000. Let's put it in perspective

how many people that really is yeah it's pretty crazy and that's the ones they know about that's not the heads in the desert okay

there's lots of that shit there's a lot of that shit going on Mexico's dangerous I like it yeah it's the border towns especially

I mean it's really crazy right now and most Americans are blissfully unaware of how nuts it is down there they have no idea man

the average person man if you go to like Laredo, Texas, man, fuck that. You are out the door. It used to be nice. You used to go across the border. You go down,

like I have a weekend in San Antonio, and then Sunday night, go down there. Laredo, get a great deal, like a great hotel. The holiday inn there, it was safe. It was nice.

You go to Nouveau Laredo, cross the bridge bring back glass and plates and stuff like that man it was awesome live it ron white lived there yeah okay awesome it was just a great river valley okay town smell like cigars everywhere it would smell like great cigars no you get cuban cig What else? How about candy? Anything that Ron White smells like. Yeah, cigars. It does smell like that. He told me one time to bring weed, and I'm like, you're the only guy ever to ask anyone to bring weed to Mexico.

What are you talking about? Go talk to somebody. Bring weed to Mexico? Yeah. That sounds like a terrible idea. Bringing weed to or back from Mexico sounds like a terrible idea. Man, taking weed into Guam is a bad idea. Yeah, let me hear that story, son.

This is a Ralphie May classic that's making the rounds. And I don't know all the details, so I want to hear the whole deal. Because you got arrested somewhere. Yeah, I got stopped in Guam for weed. I didn't know I had it on me. for weed. I didn't know I had it on me. Alright? And I took out of my bag

three and a half ounces of weed, a full ounce of keef, and about 20 grams of hash. God damn, dude. That's what I took out of my bag. Like he took it out before he went to the airport. He took all the hash. Yeah, I like to get down. I like variety, you know? I mean, look at me.

I've got no fucking control, okay, of anything, Joe Rogan. Look at me. Except for low jobs. I'm a fucking mess. Okay, yeah, that. I've got amazing control. You've got control over your loads. Yeah.

Sounds like you've got really good control. All right, then. The one thing I've got for me. But I'm a mess. I mean, I've got no sense. Plus, I get tons of heavy handshakes i mean and those these guys aren't throwing an ounce at me they're throwing an eighth right a quarter you know right when i when i tell them how i was stoned and saw uh the the miracle on the hudson happened uh just afterwards okay we were down there at chelsea piers and people were running i saw a fucking cop on a

horse i am stoned out of my fucking mind i my act i sound stoned like a biblical whore and i um i'm fucking wasted and i'm like walking seriously i'm fucked up like if it wasn't like 29 degrees and sunny i would have passed the fuck out i was that high wow i had a big thing of hash and i put that in the middle i made a joey diaz cuban sandwich okay where the ogs on the sativa on the top and then a big fucking chunk of hash over a gram and an OG finish. Okay? Yeah. I was one of the most fucked up I've ever been.

And I'm walking, and so much I'm seeing people run from the end of the pier to the edge, overhead helicopters. I see a cop on a fucking horse. And I'm like, and he was within 20 feet of me. And I'm like, where the fuck are you going Sundance I mean we're on a pier okay you're on a fucking pier there's people all around you know my kid has been my wife's arms you know what the fuck wow okay and and we went down there to go see that I'm a kind of a aviation bug oh yeah and the AR was it the Blackbird spy plane the AR-71 I think

it was um it's the fastest plane we The AR-71, I think it was. It's the fastest plane we ever built, you know, that we told anyone about. And it's fucking cool as shit because on its last voyage, it flew from New York to LA or LA to New York in like 38 minutes. Wow. Some insane speed. LA to New York in 38 minutes? That's time traveling. That's how fucking fast it is.

Is that real? Fucking look it up. AR-17, AR something. AR-? Fucking look it up. AR-17. AR something. AR-17 Blackbird? SR. SR-71. SR-71.

Just making some numbers up. No, no, no. SR-71. It's a Blackbird spy plane. 71. Wow. Check that fucker out. And it was the last declassified flight of it.

It was the only one that they showed the speed. And we retired this motherfucker. Why would you ever retire this thing? Can you put it up there, Brian? I don't know how to do all this shit. You're amazing. I got an iPad. I play Words of Friends. Dude, this thing goes

2,000 miles an hour. So then it couldn't have gone... It couldn't have been 37 minutes. This is what they did. In one hour and 54 minutes, they went from New York to London. That's a six-hour flight. That's a six-hour flight. They did it in an hour and 54 minutes.

They went from, the last one that flew, the one that's at the battleship there, was it the Intrepid? Mm-hmm. Okay, down at Chelsea Piers. All right,

that's what I wanted to go see. I wanted to be high and be close to that fucking jet. Right. I mean, that's almost time traveling. I mean, do you understand? Dude, trust me. I mean, that's fucking mind-blowing. In two hours, you can leave London.

You can have tea in London and lunch and dinner in New York City and not miss a fucking beat, bro. That's amazing. That's pretty intense. That's transporter shit. Yeah, bro. That's amazing. It's pretty intense. That's transporter shit. Yeah. Okay, that's amazing. You know, what's really crazy

is they used to have that Concorde that you could fly to Europe. Yeah, man. Super sonic plane. Fucking A, that was cool as shit, dude. And it used to go super high. It was like way higher than a regular plane. Yeah.

So literally like you were on the border of fucking space. Yeah. Border of space going the speed of sound. Right. Fucking A, man. Stop and think about a plane that goes as fast as fucking sound and you're sitting in that bitch just fucking lying

you don't feel the g-force because they don't make any sudden moves and they just slowly amp it up it's fucking insane it just goes straight up and straight down it's the speed of sound man the speed of sound in a fucking plane. But it kept killing too many rich folks. Boy, have it.

Yeah, right. The people at the altitude. They fucked up. And I think the last one, I think it was a really dumb fuck-up, too. It's like someone hit a tire that was left on the track. The Concorde hit it and fucking caused a gigantic explosion. And everybody died. When those people are dying, they're dying. These are people that are paying like ten thousand dollars a ticket

more than that for first class right first class yeah yeah right but so ten thousand dollars feels like regular right yeah for like economy economy is ten thousand dollars and it's just to save a few hours of your time that's really what it is it's and because of the novelty effect of it i remember uh i was watching some talk show as a kid and there was an actor who said the coolest thing he'd ever done was take that concord yeah and then stand on his seat so he was the highest person in the world whoa that's hilarious and he's right it was like he stood on his seat and he was well the the highest alive person. No, there was no astronauts in the orbit at that time.

There was nothing going on. Planes still freak me out. Just the idea that you're in this metal tube that's 30,000 feet in the air, and you're just sitting there. You're just chilling and looking at your iPad. And you're like, atoms are holding us up. You're just disconnected from the ground. That's where I want to be. I want to be on the ground where it's safe.

30,000 fucking feet up there. I get a lot of anxiety when I fly. What do you think they have that we don't know about? One of the things you said about the SR-71, you said it was the fastest plane that we have that we know about. That we ever told anyone about. Do you think they have some shit that we don't? Well, it would just seem to reason i mean wouldn't it be the logic that if you made that much progress in 30

years that that you know exponentially if you take the same progress like in cell phones in the last 20 years from a briefcase with a cord and a headset and then and then the move down was the brick okay that was the after that okay that same technology now they're microscopic and they can you know tons of data i mean you just take that same stream of technology and apply that to the another sector where we're spending billions and billions and billions of dollars on projects that we don't even know about fuck yeah there's got to be something faster i want to know about i want to know about, fuck yeah, there's got to be something faster, I want to know about, I want to know about HAARP up in Alaska, I want to know about, um, the F, F-23 that, uh, supposedly can hover, and, uh, um, and it's a scramjet, okay, I want to know about

that, uh, that it could fly at 120 000 feet okay and that can go from uh it can go from uh las at well outside of las ed uh las vegas supposedly it fucking takes off and it refuels at about 90 000 feet no 45 000 feet on its way to 90 000 feet and then it hits the after so it meets a plane and refuels in the air? How dope is that? They refuel in the fucking sky. Yeah. How the fuck are they doing that, man?

I don't know. And then it's the cleanest burning, and it's the fastest. And people can go from over the Pacific, where there's nobody. They refuel, and then they hit that scram jet and they go to 120 140 000 feet like the outer atmosphere and then bounce back off of it and and what you don't understand well if you go straight up and you continue in a straight line the earth is moving at like 17 000 miles per hour so that's adding to your speed trippy when you add altitude to it

and then gravity on top of that compounding so you're falling much faster you know thousand it could go up to theoretically three thousand miles per hour four thousand miles per hour fucking amazing do you guys remember how cool it was in the 80s i don't know about that blackbird remember the blackbird it was like the f15 or what was it was in the 80s? I don't know about that. That Blackbird. Remember the Blackbird? It was like the F-15. Can you even wrap your head around that kind of fucking speed? No, man. It's time traveling, man. That's the closest we're ever going to get.

I wonder if they have some shit that's not released that's even faster than what we know about, like three or four times the speed of sound. Some really nutty shit. What about that decommissioned super collider in waxahachie texas that's still a federal off-limits facility that uh that say we did say we created the guard particle like they did in switzerland and which is a controlled microscopic uh subatomic black hole and then the energy explodes off that we collect. That theoretically, that in a bottle, any matter, we could stream and bang into each other and control that black hole. That we could, in the left of my water, get boom from there.

We could fuel all of North America's energy sources. Isn't that amazing? It's fucking unbelievable. The super colliding shit like that. Right. I mean, it's fascinating, but I think the idea behind making the little black holes is that they don't have enough gravity to stay alive. Yeah.

They die out really quickly. Yeah, they die out instantly. Well, the scary version. So you're thinking that someone's doing something with the one that they have in Texas? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, that it's not been decommissioned. Yeah. And that it's being used.

I mean, the fucking government uses everything else from the 50s. They're going to drop, you know, 800 billion in a fucking hole in Waxahachie and then just say, fuck it, we're out. I don't believe that. They're doing something. Well, you know, it's a funding thing, though. You know, a lot of times there's just not enough money to run shit. If they don't think they're going to get a direct result off of the experiments like what is what's going to be profitable out of these experiences what military applications is going to come from this experiment if there's none it's real hard to justify when

the economy goes to shit they close things like that down all the time yeah yeah but i mean is it really closed though so you think like secretly they're doing something shit some crazy shit yes maybe the whole area 51 is the most fascinating thing to me that they had a whole area that they Or are we still spinning the same road? They're doing something, some crazy shit there? Yes. Maybe. The whole Area 51 is the most fascinating thing to me. That's what they think. They had a whole area that they denied even existed until, I think it was in the late 90s. They tried to expand the boundaries of it, and they had to claim more land to be restricted. Then they had to admit that it exists in the first place. But for the longest time, there was just people waiting with guns.

that it exists in the first place. But for the longest time, there was just people waiting with guns. But too many dudes found, like, this spot in the hills where you could watch them experiment with their aircrafts. And too many guys who worked there who either got fired or went crazy,

and, like, Bob Lazard, you know who he is? He's the guy that, you know, he's been ridiculed. A lot of people say that he's full of shit, and he lied about his education background. I don't know what's the case or what's not the case but his story on a resume to get a job yeah well you need to say he had degrees in places they said he never enrolled and there's like old yearbooks from those times and he does he's not in the yearbook so it seems like at the very least he's

made some things up so you know you gotta you gotta look at it and say well he probably made it all up but the point, he would take his friends to watch these things fly in the air and he said he worked there and they arrested him there. And once they arrested him there, there's like, you know,

it was his big story and he came out and said there was flying saucers there and that he had worked on them and tried to back engineer them. Fucking fascinating shit. But the point,

the number one point is, there really is a place where they're doing secret shit and they didn't want people to know about it, and they had to tell people it existed in the 90s. Once they had satellites, and satellites started flying over and taking photographs of it, and people could see the whole facility and Groom Lake, and you could see all these air hangers.

They're doing some nutty shit out there, man. That's where they're making stuff like stealth bombers. That's just the shit on the surface. Stealth bomber technology, as badass as it is it's 30 fucking years old i think a lot of what they're doing is drones man there's there's a fascinating oh yeah man of these people they this is before they shut it down these people were uh watching like from you know like some parked spot and they were filming these things flying through the air and like you know you never seen anything move like this and i'm like, that's probably because there's no people in it.

It's probably a drone. They're probably all drones. It looks exactly like this, but small. Yeah, exactly. Baby blackbirds. Yeah. Well, you know what? We know that they have them now. We know that they have them. So if that's what they saw in 1996 and shit when people were filming, that's probably the answer

to a lot of this UFO bullshit. Well, i don't believe in ufos i don't i think that time travel is is a closer uh thing than the distance or they're creating some kind of wormhole but i don't believe in aliens i don't think i think that they exist i just don't think they've ever been here i'm not convinced that they have or haven't i could i could see it argued either way it sounds sounds totally preposterous when you watch those ancient alien shows and you see that guy with the crazy hair talking all this nonsense about

how they believe that aliens taught all these different people all these different things. But, look, if we are people and we have aspired to travel and we supposedly have been to the moon, if we have that sort of capability in our primitive stage of

development, what if there's a culture 100,000, 200,000, 300,000 years older than us? That's nothing in the flip of time. That's nothing. I mean, just think of what happened hit by the meteor. Yeah, a culture that survives that's two or three million years older than us. They're going to be so fucking far ahead of us that

they would literally be able to bypass all the ideas or or have come to a resolution on all the ideas about interrupting life and genetically engineering new life to them it would be like yeah of course you do it this is what you do you just make new lives yeah we go there and we introduced our genetics into these monkey genetics and these monkeys have this crazy thing happens where their brain doubles over a period of 2 million years and they become humans. Did that happen? I don't know.

But there's a lot of fucking stories. All these different stories from so many different religions and so many different ancient texts all have to do with some higher being coming from the sky. I mean, what the fuck, man? But isn't that a little bit, though, that people just want to believe in something else? Maybe. It's possible. I mean, humans, I mean. It's not an either or.

We're all just dicks. You know what I'm saying? It's not an either or. We're all just assholes. I mean, if you're a survivor at this point, you come from a long line of assholes. You know, we were the guys who ate the last bit of food. We were the ones that didn't share during famine, you know. Well, I don't know if it's that easy.

I know what you're saying, but not really. You know, all you have to do is get a group of cool people together to fight off the assholes and you survive as well. You don't have to be an asshole to survive. You can be the cool, smart people that get together and fight off the assholes. Yeah. So just because we're here doesn't mean we're the children of assholes. But isn't it crazy?

I mean, like, we're just barbaric. I mean, well, you know, from the fucking Mayans to everybody in Europe, the different clans, you know, they were just barbarians. I mean, just the fucking Huns that, you know, one in, what is it, six people have the same DNA as Genghis Khan or some shit like that. How badass is Genghis Khan? He comes out of the steps of Mongolia and fucking sweeps in and takes almost the whole world. Isn't that fucking amazing?

I mean, grasp that, dude. He was a lokester. He was fucking gangster. Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to get real documentary footage? Like, the coolest fucking thing would be you can't travel through time, but what you can do is go back in time and watch it and record it.

Well, you know, if you imagine. We found a way to extract it from trees. Yeah. Visuals. Yeah, this is a thousand year old tree. Let's see what it's seen. Well, technically, you know, since we're just reflecting light and that's all we are. Okay.

And light travels. We're just reflecting light. This is the ultimate stoner talk right here. I know, right? We all just reflect light. This is the ultimate stoner talk right here. I know, right? We all just reflect life. Why were you in Guam, by the way? I was there to do a bunch of shows. I was there to do a bunch of shows. It's like he's been bothered for 20 minutes.

I'm sorry. Fuck, man. I forgot that we were talking about that. Yeah, me too. I was just talking about this. I love this shit. I'm getting high. I'm fucking talking about it.

What I'm talking about. Hold on. Let me finish the point and then i'll tell you about the UFOs dude okay check it out that if you could go faster than the speed of light right to the time and then with a powerful enough uh telescope pointed at us to catch the light reflected okay you could use just as satellite technology looks down on the earth. You could see the reflection of the earth from that time and visually prove everything you wanted to. Whoa, what? If you went faster out into space.

Okay, you go faster out into space than the speed of light. You have a telescope. That could look back and capture the light that's coming off the earth. The light that's coming from the Earth as you go away. Yeah, you would theoretically be looking at Earth at that point. Right. The reflection of the light. So you would be looking at Earth at that point in time.

Yeah, so at the speed of light, Earth's history would come at you. I mean, if you could visually swatch it. Sort of, but you would be a thousand years in the future looking 1,000 years in the past. So you'd really virtually be in the same moment. Theoretically, you could look at it. It would still freeze. It would still be the exact same distance between Earth and you at all points. It would always be the same.

Right, right. But that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. No, it's the fact that light reflects off of it. So you could catch an image of what, it might not be a perfect image. Right, so as you're going, say if you're going a million miles an hour, as it's a million miles away.

Yeah. No, no, no. If you, the light from a thousand years ago is bouncing off the earth. The idea behind it is, if you move into the future faster than the speed of light, what happens back here moves at a much, much, much faster pace. No.

No. What I'm saying is that the light that bounces off the earth has an image. And that image is the same traveling off the earth at the speed of light. If you go out into space faster than the speed of light. Okay. So you can look back before it? Yeah, you can look back at the image of the Earth with a powerful enough telescope

and see the history of Earth come forward. Whoa, okay. So you're saying that if you go forward like some fucking insane faster than light and you look back and see the Earth if we have the kind of technology to allow you to even though you're billions of some fucking insane, faster than light. Alpha Centauri is 54 years.

And you look back and see the Earth. If we have the kind of technology to allow you, even though you're billions of light years away, or however far away you are, to look back and see the Earth and get close, actually, to the ground. So you can, even from 100 million light years away, you still have full view of the Earth.

It wouldn't be full. It would be obscured. There's dark patches, and only the light that bounces off is the sunny view of the earth. It wouldn't be full. It would be obscured. There would be, you know, there's dark patches and only the light that bounces off is the sunny side of the earth. So you could see the sunny side of the earth. Yes. You couldn't catch anybody because people do fucked up shit at night. You'd be doomed.

No, but you could see. Almost all the real fucked up shit happens at night. You wouldn't get nothing. You could see history. You had no proof on me, motherfucker. You could see wars. You could see. Yeah, you saw a shadow in the window, bitch.

You don't know nothing. I'm not saying I'm not going for court. I'm just saying. I see what you're saying, though. It's trippy. Total stoner thought right there, Ralphie. It's trippy talk. It is trippy talk.

Well, the idea of time itself is very trippy, especially because it's limited. It's so true. Limited. Our physical bodies find it limited. But when you get past our physical bodies and all other physical bodies, time is just sort of flying. It's one thing. Yeah. It's just one big gigantic moment.

Yeah. It's just we don't last. Yeah. You know, time's only important to us. That's the real mind fuck. That is exactly it. The real mind fuck is that you're dying. As soon as you're born, you're dying.

Welcome to it. I watched a fucking guy get killed by a bear today. Somebody put it up on the Rogan board. It was a train bear. Was it fucking Sarah Palin? It was a train bear.

Oh. And the train bear had been in movies before, man. And the fucking guy... Was it Gentleman or something? They had this bear in this pen and they're training it

and doing things with it. It just turns on this guy out of nowhere and rips his throat apart. Perfect. And just tears at it and shakes him. That's why just turns on this guy out of nowhere and rips his throat apart. And just tears at it and shakes him. That's why I never want to go up into space and look at the past 10,000 years.

I want fucking... I was watching that Sarah Palin, just the promos for that shit on Discovery or whatever it is. And that bitch is fishing next to grizzly bears. And I just want the grizzly bear to go, fuck you, I'm Union. I got Union during the Grizzly Man movie. Alright, it's your ass.

I'm coming. And just attack the fucking boat. Bears are very frightening. They're very fucking, they are powerful animals, man. They can rip a horse's fucking head off with his paw. I've talked about it too much over the past few weeks. And I talked about it yesterday on the Tom Green podcast. But there's a video you should see, folks. It's a bear

eating a moose alive, and it's on the internet. You want to know how ruthless fucking nature is, man? They are fucking brutal. They don't even kill you, man. They just start eating. Yeah, they don't care. They just get down and eat you. While you're still flying. Whoa, Jack. Yeah, kill me first. This video, though, the crazy thing is

this is a trained bear. This guy had raised this bear and trained it, and his I believe it was his cousin was in the rink with it as they were working with the bear. And the bear just, for whatever reason, just decided to attack him out of nowhere, unprovoked. Just fucked him up, man. You think so, really? Yes. Why are you fucking with a bear? It's a bear.

Let it the fucking go. It's what he does. He's a bear trainer. Let it just chill and be a bear. Somebody's got to do, like if you're going to have a movie where you have a guy wrestle a bear. Let it the fucking go. Let it just chill and be a bear. Somebody's got to do, like if you're going to have a movie where you have a guy wrestle a bear, someone's got to train that fucking bear. We can't have a movie. CGI.

Yeah. You know what? Did you ever see that movie? Did you ever see that movie Congo? Yes. Yeah, when they had those big crazy monkeys that were so obviously men with monkey suits. Yes. It was annoying, man.

CGI has fixed all this. Michael Clark Duncan wasn't working, man. I mean... How dare you? That's my favorite earthquake joke. How dare you, bro? The comedian earthquake. What did he say? He said that he went on an audition

for Planet of the Apes and saw Michael Clark Duncan in there and he called his agent and just left. He said, that motherfucker didn't need makeup. How rude. Is there earthquakes in Guam? I'm sorry, that's hilarious.

There's earthquakes everywhere, man. I'm sorry. Even in Guam there's earthquakes? Are you trying to get back to the Guam story? Do you know they're protected by the Mariana Church? The lowest place on Earth? They're protected by it? How are you protected by the lowest place on Earth? They're protected by it? Yeah.

How are you protected by the lowest spot on Earth? The immense cavern takes out a lot of the energy from the tsunami, how deep the water gets. Really? Yeah. So they are protected by a reef, and they're protected by the Mariana Trench. So they've never been jacked by a tsunami? No, they come, but they don't get the full width and breadth of it. You know, a lot of the energy is lost in the canyon.

Is that trench where they recorded that insane biological sound? I know they call it the bloop. There's one crazy sound that they recorded that's so many times louder than anything they'd ever recorded that was biological under the water. And they know it's biological. They don't know what it was. It's like mayhem underwater. Screaming 12 times, too. Man, that guy, he's a little much, right, baby?

Yeah, man. I love that guy. I met him at this podcast. The full spectrum, bro. That's the full spectrum. That guy is a killer. Yeah, he's awesome. I look in his eyes, and I'm like, yeah, that's a guy I don't want to fuck with.

He would love to hurt me. It would be just a goof. He enjoys fighting. Yeah. He enjoys it. He's fucking good at it. He likes it. It's what he's supposed to be doing.

There's a broad spectrum of human beings. Yeah, man. I totally agree. Everybody's supposed to be doing their thing. Sometimes people find their thing and it matches up with their personality and sometimes they just fight it. Can you imagine if he didn't get into fighting and instead he was like ah i'm just gonna work at toys r us and like you're just like oh i'm sorry fucking fallen day waiting to happen that would be a problem fallen day waiting to happen yeah that would be a fucking problem like i'm always nervous

about any bravo late at night why have you seen him drunk i've seen him drunk and he's not wearing a shirt and it's just the idea that he can kill you anytime he wants yes yes that is very scary and the fact that there is nothing i could do but you know right and and then he tells guys that are like double the size how he'd choke him out from underneath okay and i've never even heard i never even heard that i didn't know what that was and he's laughing about it oh yeah i do i'd climb up him okay and then like fucking leg lock him and choke him out and shit like this and i'm like it's so weird because i don't get that from eddie bravo as what as i do with mayhem like with mayhem i i fear him yeah but when i'm eddie he's always just so happy and nice

eddie's not competing yeah you know the difference is the guys that are competing, guys that are like actively fighting in MMA, they all are super, they have to always be ready to train and to spar and they're always thinking about competition. They're always training hard. They're always ramped up, you know? And most of them are really calm. Like Mayhem's is about as exaggerated a personality as you get. But that's just who he is.

He's always been like that. I've known that dude forever. Well, you have too. Yeah. He's always been like that. But just the fact that they're in competition mode, that's like some primal shit. You're at nine all the time, you know? Your senses are heightened.

You're training for combat, man. That's like some serious shit. Can you imagine that every day? man. That's like some serious shit. Can you imagine that every day? Like from the Spartans, how they get their kids kidnapped and taken and beaten and fucking...

And toughened up. And then they escape at 18 and they go rape and steal a girl out at night. You know, Spartans was fucking... I mean, these guys, they were warriors all day long. It's pretty crazy when you think about what pussies we are today. And that people had to be like that at one point in time for us to get to today.

They had to be strong. They had to be able to fight off fucking animals and hordes of invading tribes. You had to be strong to stay alive just a few thousand years ago. It's crazy, isn't it? It's very strange. A few thousand. 150. Yeah.

150 fucking years. Two lifetimes. Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s. 150. Yeah. 150 fucking years. Two lifetimes. Dude, the Wild West, that was the 1800s. Yeah, man. Yeah. Wow, wow, crazy. 1865 was the abolition of slavery, right? Was it 1875 or 1865?

65. And then you've got fucking cowboys and Indians going to war. War. Just fucking each other up. Apache knife fighters. Yeah. Those guys are nasty did you see the thing where where um obama got in trouble because he uh was uh talking about sitting bull and he was

recognizing the sitting bull was a hero and you know that you know it was like i guess it was a part of some book that he has he has some child yeah and uh people are going hey sitting bull like killed like a lot of fucking Americans. Yeah, it did. It's funny because we're acknowledging now that we've integrated the American Indian into the whole American culture, like they're a part of us, now we're sort of acknowledging that the original Americans just fucked them. And this guy fought back, and this guy's a hero for fighting essentially us. Well, it's mind-boggling when you say we're the land of the free because of an act of terrorism. Tell that to Willie Nelson.

He's going to be in jail for pot. I know, man. It's crazy. Land of the free, my dick. Yeah, but, you know, we say that. It's ridiculous. We espouse all this patriotism and stuff. And if you go to the Boston Tea Party, which is fucking, which is dum-dums.

Republicans. That are mad that we have a black guy or saying, you know, we're Tea Party-ist, okay? Yeah. They're fucking talking about a terrorist act. That was a terrorist act. It was not an act of war. You know that, right? We call it rebellion because we're on this fucking side of it.

But it was fucking basically a terrorist act. What was? What is? call it rebellion because we're on this fucking side of it but it was a fucking basically a terrorist act if what we ran what was what is if if white guys today dressed up as as uh arabs okay and attacked a private company and destroyed property we'd call it a terrorist act okay all right and that's exactly what we did right okay it's a terrorist act yeah i know what yeah and that's how we bore our nation and we the same thing that you know we we did. Right. Okay, it's a terrorist act. Yeah, I know what you're saying. Yeah, and that's how we bore our nation. And the same thing that we accuse Afghanistan of being terrorists because they want to kill us. Or they killed this many and they don't want to be under our fucking rule. How dare we be an empire like the fucking British were to us. Well, we're a lot crazier than that.

We're more crazy than any empire ever. We have military presence in over 100 countries. Yeah. Do you know what that means? Yeah. We've got guns all over the world and jets and American soldiers ready to go. At any time. What's up?

They're just ready to go. Strategically placed in all sorts of areas where they can get jets to them in time. Are you nervous about this fucking North Korea guy? No. Really? Not at all. He wants to die. I think he just wants better trade agreements.

He's not going to die. They don't have any food. But he's about to die. He's already named a successor. Nothing's going to happen. Look at his son, though. His son's ready to jump in, but he looks like he's a nice young guy that plays StarCraft. He's going to be like, finally, Dad's gone. I can play StarCraft with all my

friends. Yeah, right. I always want to chill out. Maybe play StarCraft. It's not as fun once you have nuclear weapons you can use.'m telling you man it looks like a nice they bomb the fuck out of that island they they what happened they attacked an island right yeah they they shelled the shit out of it for hours they flattened it really and what was on the island who was on the island people they killed koreans yes They killed thousands, supposedly. Really? Yes, and blew up a fucking island. You heard it was seven? I thought seven people were injured.

Okay, this is a retard conversation. We should go Google. Yeah, and then they killed 47 South Korean sailors. They downed a fucking ship, and then they said they didn't. Motherfucker, we got you on tape, B. What happened? They fucking blew up a battleship

not a battleship it's like a trawler of the South Korean Navy they blew it up and killed 47 sailors that's an act of war two dudes died and they both died of AIDS

they both had to hear they were like there's a theme to our conversation it's numbers i think we need to leave out numbers until we know these bitches it's two people died bro two dose dose humans dose humans and the shelling that's it that's it oh my god but what about the 47 sails that's still people that fucking died man the whole thing is crazy the guy's killing

people yeah he's killing people and they're yeah left to burn checked well maybe you're right man

maybe he's so fucked up he is gonna try to actually go out with a bang I think he's fucking crazy

dude you never know man don't underestimate cuckoo you gotta be pretty crazy to wanna be

some sort of a leader like that, a leader of a country, a leader of a cult, a leader of anything. To be that arrogant that you should be the main person, it means really just playing up on a flaw in human nature. A flaw is the necessity of the alpha, where we're always looking to the one person that we are going to be led by. That's how all tribes of animals deal with it. Tribes of wolves do it. Tribes of wolves do it.

Tribes of monkeys do it. And tribes of humans do it. We need one person. Even that one person isn't qualified, as long as there's one person in that position. That's why the Sol Sero Palin thing is possible. You don't have to be qualified. You just have to be in the position.

This fucking guy isn't qualified to be the president of North Korea. You tell me other North Korean people haven't said, listen, I'm a lot more reasonable. I can get shit done with other countries. We can live better. We can have heat and food. Of course, they're all thinking like that.

There's a cabbage in every pot in the ground. Chicken in every pot. Yeah, right? Cabbage. Yeah, you've got to be a really twisted motherfucker to want to run things. They've got fucking rockets that hit off the shore of Hawaii. Do they really? They can make it to Hawaii? Yeah.

You better not fuck up Hawaii. Man, Hawaii's awesome. I was there after Guam. They're not going to fuck up Hawaii. What if they do, man? If they're willing to fuck up these people on this island, man. Let me tell you what. The fact, there's over a million infantry of North Korea. That's what what people do there they don't make anything everybody is

fucking in the army it's true all right if they wanted to walk over south korea there's nothing we could do with 28 500 u.s troops right there except for battlefield nukes to prevent it do you understand the complete wipeout within hours. They could take Seoul, all of it. Be gone. All of it. Be dazzled. Really? How many troops does the United States have there? 28,500.

I think that's plenty. It's not. With the shit we got, son. That's what I'm saying. Without battlefield nukes, there's no way to do it. They got jets. Don't they have jets and fucking tankers and shit? Do they? They have jets. They're all the same shit.

What, they got Soviet shit? Yeah, and Chinese shit. Chinese shit. Those motherfuckers. Those, man, they fuck up your Nikes. Let me tell you what, they can fuck up a jet. They'll make a fast MiG. Yeah, man.

And they got a lot of them. And they got a shitload of numbers, dude. That's the real crazy thing. Just on sheer numbers, you couldn't stop that, dude. The real crazy thing is China. I mean, if you really wanted to have a country, if we are in one sort of a situation like we used to have, like with the United States versus Russia, when I was a kid, it was always everyone was worried that Russia was going to nuke the United States. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wolverines. Red Dawn, right? Soda Pop and Ponyboy. Those motherfuckers. Yeah, everybody was concerned that we were going to eventually get involved in some sort of a nuclear exchange. And you always heard, oh, we almost came to a nuclear exchange. It was a mistake, and we got out of it. And luckily, cooler heads prevail.

Shall we play again? Yeah. Would you like to play again? And shit, that was just a little while ago, man. We kind of forgot what that's like. But China is in the position to be that again. Yeah. They are ruthless people.

They are ruthless. They're ruthless, and there's so many of them. Look, if you watch some of the HBO specials on some of the shit that's going down in China right now, you know what's really popular, what's happening a lot? People selling their kids. Yeah. People are having their kids and selling them. and they're like five and six years old corporations it's so hot right now selling this corporation terrifying man there's a whole show

on it where this brother you know his brother was five and his brother was kidnapped and they kidnapped his brother instead of him because he was eight and he would have known how to get home so they kidnapped this fucking five-year-old and took him away, and he sold it. His father sold it. And his father's talking about it. He had to sell one of his sons, and he didn't want to, but he had to do it. So he went with the younger one because he didn't know any better, and he could trick him. There was something along those lines,

but he was talking about how he was really upset that the older boy was still mad at him about it. Yeah, but these kids are probably the kids that are smoking cigarettes, where you see them on the YouTube videos and stuff you're like oh this guy's a dick i would sell him for five dollars he's you know smoking all my cigarettes at all he's just a little boy man the little boy whose brother was left behind it was really really heartbreaking it's horrible about missing his brother and how his brother was so mad at his father that his you know his father sold his brother. I was like, you gotta be fucking shitting me, man.

Dude, and they're selling him to corporations. He's wearing dirty clothes and he's in this fucking shack, you know, this little shack with his dad

and his dad is trying to explain how he needed the money. I'm like, and the only way it's like, it's like, you know,

the only way to citizenship, basically, like in Roman times is to be in the army, you know, to go from poverty to grace and stuff is to A, have intellect, okay, to show, you know, an aptitude for military service or science or math or, you know, athletics. Or you go to the fucking drones.

In China, you mean? In China. You have to be. So everybody joins the military in China, too? Yeah, it's got a huge fucking military how big is your military it's i want to hear a number i know you got one in your head come on it's supposedly the third largest overall third largest when you when you incorporate its power strength my own power rating is number three but on sheer numbers

if they wanted to because they have like the national guard that where the people are you know that that aren't in certain areas they're like the national guard even though they might work at a factory also right if you inflict you know enlist this militia it's the largest army in the world real number yeah by number wow that's crazy way by number and then but by power it's only number two it's a whole interesting life that they have there man you know this all the the shit that's going down with these companies that have people working insane hours and people are jumping off buildings and shit just wait the whole concom thing i read something that was kind of an interesting rebuttal to that concom because it talked about all the suicides that concom had but then it noted that concom has over 500,000

employees so is that above average it's not really it's not compared to the population no it's not But then it noted that Concom has over 500,000 employees. So is that above average? It's not really. It's not compared to the population. No, it's not. And, you know, yeah, they're working shit jobs, man. Those jobs suck. Yeah, they suck.

They just suck. You're going to work on a factory assembly line? Yeah, guess what? It's not going to be awesome. Yeah, the screw goes in the hole. You know why? Because Walmart wants to save 17 cents per unit. I would start selling kids I could get like

10,000 dollars selling kids I'll just have a baby factory I don't think they're that much no they're not even that much

that's what's sad you get like a grand thank god that's way better than what is that like 6 months

of work at one of those iPod factories it probably is but by the time you're done crying that's right when your money

runs out you just gotta turn it off you gotta turn it off you gotta turn it off it's your kid good luck with that you're gonna haunted dreams for the rest of your fucking That's right when your money runs out You just gotta turn it off You gotta turn it off You gotta turn it off It's your kid Yeah Good luck with that

I mean they're not even your kids You're gonna have haunted dreams For the rest of your fucking life man You just sold your son Ugh Haunted dreams That just goes to show I couldn't do that man

The apocalypse I'd sell me The apocalypse is everywhere It's just not here yet The apocalypse is everywhere There's different lives That are experiencing it All over the world.

On individual bases, with individual families and individual situations, there's apocalypses all over Africa, all over parts of the world, all over China. A horrible holocaust in Sudan. It's insane. The shit that's going down in Africa right now, if it was happening in your neighborhood, you would be swearing it was the end of the world. You know what would be cool? People run through with machetes and cut people's heads off and hands yeah there's a lot of hacking to death with machetes and taking kids and getting them drug addicted and shooting cocaine and hair on america should start franchising itself like as a brand name and get like hey we're gonna have an america opening up in your neighborhood and you can have our laws and rules

and protection you know it's going to cost you money. And it's going to start popping up like Starbucks. Franchise America. Dude, let's go to the American in Japan. It is the largest employer. Yeah, that's a great idea.

We just go to Africa and just jack it. Yeah, and then just open up Starbucks. I think we already did that, bro. We did that once. Not in Africa. Well, they try to.

What's going on right now is there's so much war, civil war in the Congo. There's a lot of expensive shit in the Congo. Fuck yeah, man. Minerals and stuff. Lithium. They just found lithium there. So there's the next gold rush.

The Congo's a fascinating place. For your lithium batteries and your fucking technology. So much rape and crime and scary shit. It's systematic. Even UN workers, man. People who have worked for the UN are down there raping and killing. That's why you need to go to America. Yeah, so do you think we can go there and take...

Don't play any music, bro. Go where the food is. No, we're going to go on serious soon. Right. We can't keep doing that. You're going to fuck us up, man. It's America. Yeah, but you don't own that.

Do you own that? Do you own that song? I'm friends with the people that do. Don't. No, you're not. Call Trey. Don't say you're friends. Unless you can call that dude that do. No, you're not. Call Trey. Don't say you're friends. Unless you can call that dude right now and go, yo, what up, Trey?

Hey, Trey. It's Brian. He's not going to answer that phone. He's going to go, who is this weird fuck? He's not going to sue you. You don't know that, sir. You got to get releases for shit. This is the karaoke version, too.

Oh, that makes it good. Still the same tunes, man. I couldn't even hum that song, that Doors song, in my Comedy Central special. I couldn't go do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Couldn't do that. You can't do that because someone owns that. And you know what? No one gave me any shit when I sampled Kung Fu Fighting in my second special.

You sampled it? You mean you got on stage and sang it? Yeah, I hummed it. Hmm. Does someone own that? Yeah, Carl Douglas. Is there a time where music becomes everyone's property? Isn't there some sort of a thing that happens with books and literature?

Yeah, they become property. What is the term? I think it is. I think it's like Christmas know, like you can't, you know, like Christmas songs. You know, like anyone can sing a Christmas song. Oh, it's a public domain song.

Public domain. That's exactly what the term is. Public domain. Yeah. Does that happen with every song? I don't think so. Or only certain songs? I mean, it should really

after like a hundred years or something like that. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, man. You know, there's somebody who gets paid on happy birthday. Yeah, that's pretty nuts. Like when you go to Bennigan's they don't know, man. You know, there's somebody who gets paid on happy birthday. Yeah, that's pretty nuts.

Like when you go to Bennigan's, they can't sing happy birthday. So they have some mutant version of it. Birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday, birthday. That's so gross. Just do it and see if you get away with it. You know, where are they going to sue Bennigan's all over the world for singing happy birthday? That's just gross. Whoever would do that, man? What a piece of shit you are. You're claiming for singing happy birthday. That's just gross. Whoever would do that, man.

What a piece of shit you are. You're claiming you own happy birthday just because you own that shit on paper. I know, man. It doesn't mean you own happy birthday,

you fucking weirdo. I know. It's everybody's. Happy birthday. Well, we had a deal. How can you own that? How can you own that? Shit's been around forever.

Forever. Did someone actually write that? Yeah. Two people, apparently. I doubt it. That's what they say. I don't know. Hey, let's get together and make a song together.

That's what they do, man. They sit down and try to come up with a catchy lingo. Are people following you right now? On what? On this stuff. On Twitter? Yeah, there's Twitters. Oh, no shit.

Yeah. See, that's why you need to get into Twitter. You know the best thing about Twitter? It's like, hey, i'm in chicago right now what's the best place to eat you'll get instant answers or what's the best place to where can i get some weed you know instant answers oh you know i answered those questions myself it's like instant information though it's it's it's like can't you just do that yourself, though? It's text messaging 8,000 people at once, or how many ever followers you are. So you can send shit out. That's amazing.

Yeah. That's a lot of power. It's interesting. Because you have the combined knowledge of 8,000, possibly, if they were all online at the same time. That's one question, so you have the population. You definitely get good answers to a lot of shit. And if you're an interesting person and you're into things that, you know,

fascinating things about science and space, and I know you are, when you tweet those, if you find something online and you find some story like, whoa, check this shit out. You know, they just invented, bam,

and you put that link up. You put that link up. A bunch of dudes will retweet that link and then they'll start sending you shit. Hey, Ralphie, I know you're into this space shit. Check this out. They just discovered this. Doom doom and that's what's going

on about harp sure heard about harp yes that's fucking amazing what have you heard what is your that we are we are secretly having a war uh we are attacking uh pakistan uh china india um China, India Bangladesh and Indonesia that whole area, a region through bending the ionosphere with massive radio waves So what are we doing to them? We're causing flooding

like beyond all time that's ever been recorded concentration of earthquakes that we're relieving the pressure that we're moving the ionosphere wait a minute where are you getting all this are you sure yeah all this yeah this is no i'm not sure but i mean that's what i'm saying i mean are you sure i know what you're saying i know that but i'm saying are you that the floods this year were the greatest of all time that they have uh according to usgs they have a higher rate of we're in a very high earthquake

for asia central asia and south asia of all time okay yeah but ralphie that easily could be because of cycles of the earth that doesn't mean shit that we have only what we've studied as far as like earthquakes and floods and you know the history of weather and disasters, we're dealing with a tiny fraction of the time that the earth has existed. Our data is so small. So when you say something like there's record earthquakes, there's record floods, the record is like you just woke up and the phone rang. And you're like, this phone has rang a record number of times today. Because it only rang once. Because you've only been awake for five minutes.

Our knowledge of the earth is so fucking minuscule that any time people get crazy and start saying things like, oh, there's a record number of earthquakes. It must be because someone's attacking Pakistan with a lightning bolt that goes into the sky. It's not necessarily the fact. That sounds sexy as fuck. That sounds sexy as fuck. That sounds sexy as fuck. That's what I'm, that makes me very nervous. But I don't think it's that simple. I don't think it's that simple.

I think, who knows what it is. It's a research project. It's a high-frequency, active auroral research program. We don't know exactly what they're doing. They could be doing a bunch of different things. They could be trying to charge up the ionosphere. But the idea that they're, somehow they're shooting something into space and attacking pakistan dude someone's

bullshitting you because that is not what's happening okay there's just no no evidence that points to that at all no no there's all these people that want everything to be sexy they want everything to be sexy they want everything to be the government's attacking us from space they want everything to be a conspiracy's attacking us from space. They want everything to be a conspiracy. And the problem with that kind of thinking is it fucks up the ones that are real conspiracies because there's a lot of them. There's plenty of real ones. See, I think that's a real – because it's a real place. Well, HAARP is – they're definitely doing real research.

And they're doing research. But I don't know what that is, and I don't think you do either. And I think until we do know, you can't really say that. You can't just go and say they're attacking Pakistan with shit from the sky. No, but that's the latest theory. By who? Alex Jones' half-retarded, illegitimate brother? Who? I like Jesse Ventura, but there's a lot of conspiracy.

I was a Navy SEAL. You should listen to me. I was there in the shit. I ain't got time to believe that. Yeah, I listen to him, too, and I think he's another guy that's looking for things to be sexy. He wants conspiracies. There's plenty of goddamn conspiracies that are real. But when you start looking for them in everything and saying that you know, things get fucking squirrely, man. No, I just know that they're fucking with the ionosphere and they're bombarding it.

Sure, but I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it. You know, it could be some sort of weather experimentation. It could be some sort of experimentation as far as like recharging the magnetosphere or changing things. Or keeping the poles straight. Who the fuck knows what they're doing? I don't know. I don't have a goddamn clue.

I know. That's why I really want to know more about it. There's a crazy one was Operation Starfish Prime. I believe that's what it was called. They shot a nuke

up into space and blew it up. Yeah, they exploded a nuke. Way more fucking dangerous. They did it in the 50s. The Russians did it. Well,

the Americans did it. We blew it up inside the Van Allen radiation belts. They were going to. We blew it up inside the Van Allen radiation belts. They were going to try to punch a hole through the Van Allen radiation belts. Yeah, and they fucked everything up, man. They made it way more radioactive. The whole thing is a disaster up there. It'll be like that for a billion years and shit.

Yeah, it's fucking done. But it fucked up. It stopped power in New Zealand, to Australia, to Los Angeles. The EM pulse was so much more magnified because of where it was. in New Zealand to Australia to Los Angeles. The E.M. Pulse was so much more magnified because of where it was. It's really trippy when you go back in time

and look at how many different things that human beings did where they just took a chance. Like, let's see what happens when we just blow up a nuclear bomb in space. Let's just shoot it up there

and blow it up. And they all sat around and thought about it and go, can we do that? Yeah, we can do that. John Wayne made a movie called Genghis Khan in the crater of a fucking nuke. Surface detonated and then like eight years later they made a film in the crater. Really?

That's why everybody on that fucking movie died of cancer. I did hear that he had done some movie and they filmed it somewhere near they're doing nuclear experiments but i didn't know they filmed it in the crater in the fucking crater dude okay you can see blast google ralphie may requires a lot of google for me i'm sorry i'm sorry okay so it's uh john wayne john wayne by all gingus khan how do you spell movies John Wayne. John Wayne. By all. Genghis Khan. How do you spell Genghis? Uh, G-E-N. Multiple spellings, but I think it's G-E-N-G-H-I-S.

G-H-I-S. And then Khan. K-H-A-N. That was the role that he played. I don't know if it was the name of the movie. But everybody on that fucking thing, from the set directors to catering, died of cancer. Wow.

Did Genghis Khan nuke John Wayne? Right away, man. Right away, there's stories about it. Creepy fucking right. Wow. He was also a two-pack-a-day smoker. A intensive, above-ground nuclear weapons testing occurred at the test site as part of Operation Upshot Knothole.

I'm telling you, man. That's where the pictures come from. They just used to do shit back there. But 1981, 91 of them had developed some form of cancer and 46 had died of the cancer. Holy shit. So out of 220 people in the entire cast and crew, almost

half of them. That would be their continuous exposure over multiple weeks. But they filmed really fast back then. So it wasn't even like it was nowadays. I wonder how long they were there for. Yeah, but what if they just all ate red M&M's or something like that? What if it was something else? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact they were in a fucking nuclear crater.

They were in a crater blown up by an atomic bomb. A half-life of 5,000 years and you're just chilling there filming Tecto. I wasn't feeling that one. Can we get another take on that one? How pissed would you be? How pissed would you be?

You didn't know? The actors don't know? You think John Wayne knew? He didn't know? Nobody knew. The producers didn't know either. That's a crazy thing. No one knew. Well, they got cheap shooting.

They fucking knew that. That's not that long ago, man. That's like the 19-fucking-60s and shit. Yeah, it was in the 60s, right? Isn't that nuts? The people, we didn't know shit just then. That's like 50 years ago, man. We didn't know shit then.

That's incredible. Yeah. Where's your survival place? I don't know, man. I'll go back shit then. That's incredible. Yeah. Where's your survival place? I don't know, man. I'll go back to Colorado when the shit hits the fan. You still have your place in Colorado? No, no. I only leased it. I leased it for a year. I might totally go back there.

My safe place would be the shower curled up in the fetal position. Yeah, I'm gonna kiss you. With a gun in my mouth. Kiss you in the cheek before I drive off into the background. Yeah, right. Take it later. Zombie hordes, they'll be coming for you, son. Man, it will get very, within days, metropolitan areas will be, with the interruption of basic service. I'd probably go right to Guam.

Yeah, that's the problem. It only needs to be out for a couple of weeks. Look what happened in the fucking horrors that happened in Katrina. That's terrible, man. I've watched documentaries on that shit. It's just, it's horrific

what that city went through. It's like the civilization just shut down. Shut the fuck down and it took a matter of days. Tell you what, you take fresh water and electricity

away from people and they go fucking cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. It is amazing when you see the difference. They don't know how to survive. Well, yeah, nobody does.

And they go animal. And it's hot as fuck there. It's scary. Well, you're not supposed to be there. The whole city's not supposed to be there. Yeah, it's not supposed to be underwater like that. That's the crazy thing. It's below sea level.

Yeah. So you have walls up to keep the ocean out. Holy shit. And this is where you keep your shit? Yeah, the backwash of the Mississippi. This is where you sleep? Yeah. I know it's awesome.

But why is it awesome? It's awesome because there's people that are awesome. Why not move the awesome people awesome people let's all make an agreement let's all move our awesomeness you know what they want to do up to higher ground if they if they hadn't had this recession they were talking about uh the largest um uh public's work uh thing ever they were going to detour the tour the Mississippi to around the city of New Orleans to make a delta to protect it. And they were going to reroute the Mississippi. It's what the

Corps of Engineers had slated as the largest public works, larger than the Hoover Dam. Exponentially larger. Jesus Christ! An incredible waste of money. But they were going to build all this thing that we're gonna help breathe and the idea is because it's so awesome New Orleans is so awesome. This is yeah that it needs to be protected Which is kind of crazy man because it's not like there's a lack of places to move to

There's a lot of spots in this country that yeah, you could relocate We'll take how many people are living in New Orleans though though? It's got to be like a million, right? Yeah, easy. Something like that. But it's a great generator for Louisiana. That's the real problem. It's like moving them quick, impossible. It's just too many people.

Well, man, I know Houston's not the same as Katrina. But they should have slowed. It's not, right? It's really not, dude. It's not. It's really fucking not. I mean, the murder rate went up like 340%. Dude, well well we were

there uh right afterwards and uh you could see like all these people that had been displaced they were all over the streets of downtown like oh this is like way different than it was just a year ago yeah man the whole new orleans thing's gotta suck because new orleans like everybody talks about how great the city is. People fucking love that place. They love it. The fact that it's in this shit spot, fuck, man. What I was saying is the nonsense about the moving.

You really could never move it. You would never recreate it. It wouldn't work. It's a terrible idea. It's too bad they didn't slowly creep back into an area and keep New Orleans, but slowly move back a lot of people in new orleans i lived in new orleans for like six months did you yeah i was cooking at nola's and

um there's a lot of people in new orleans that believe again uh because it happened once in the 60s during i think it was camille that white people from Lake Pontchartrain blew up, dynamited the levees. Really? Yeah. Isn't that like a Spike Lee conspiracy? No, that's a fact. It's a fact? It's a fact.

And that people heard loud explosions that were still on the roads. The majority of them died when they drowned. Okay, so these people, they blew up the levees to drown the black people. No, to drain Lake Pontchartrain, because it's Lake Pontchartrain with the largest amount of water you're keeping back. Okay. And the areas that happen to be are the 9th and 11th.

So why did they want to do that? To save the white communities on Pontchartrain. The really expensive homes. Oh, okay. So they had to drain it because those homes were going to get encroached by water? Yeah. The water was about to flood them. Oh, so they jacked everybody

by breaking the dams and then killing a bunch of people. A bunch of people must have died, right? That's where I think 95% of the casualties from Katrina happened was the flooding. Wow. People go, you've got time and it's like no you're not you know i mean that water is coming in at like you know a foot every second what the fuck

yeah and it's like you can't where the fuck you go fucking knock a hole in the fucking stuck in your house because there's water outside up to the second floor crazy and you're stuck in the attic and then outside it's uh 108 degrees and you're baking and that's when people die wow and there was a big big big problem with the amount of response and the quickness of the response oh yeah man i mean we can you know in 18 hours we can be in fucking Afghanistan with, you know, 10,000 troops in 18 hours. We couldn't go to New Orleans. There's no money. There's no money in being able to go to New Orleans.

It's crazy, man. The money is in going to countries with tanks and taking care of business and all that shit. I know, but it's like, you know, Anderson Cooper's there going, hey, this is all falling shit. It's like, you know, Anderson Cooper's there going, hey, this is all falling shit. Oh, well, we don't watch CNN. We watch Fox News. And Bill O'Reilly says that those black people should have left and fuck them. Did he really say that?

No, no, he did not say that. No, no, he just gives off an attitude. Fox News gives off an attitude that's shared by a lot of people. Those people knew that the hurricane was coming and they should just leave. But life on the gulf if you ever lived there i mean you never think you're gonna get fucking hit you have parties yeah you have parties and the truth is that uh power is out for a week week and a half two weeks if you could take it fuck it there'll be ice you know you'll be able to you'll be staying in your house you won't get looted all right but you're also talking about people who are dirt poor they don't have a disposable you know in case the fucking hurricane hits right now of course i've

got you know five hundred dollars to take me to houston to where my relatives are you know well on an individual basis you could always understand everybody's own problems in getting out of there but as you look at it objectively they're right the people that are saying why are they living there they're right you really shouldn't be living in a place where you're that close to some sort of catastrophe. The Army Corps of Engineers has fucked it up. The Army Corps of Engineers fucked it up? Yeah, when they dredged and they put the

intercoastal channel in, they stopped the wetlands from being formed. The natural delta effect of the Mississippi is to meander. And they fixed it so they had proper channels to for shipping oh yeah and and what's happening is it's eroding coastline and coastline is going further and further back instead of being constantly built up it's being it's being

allowed to erode and that's why hurricanes over the future are going to be more damaging to the city of new orleans and why is that important because 80 of well i know as soon as katrina happened there was no fuel in nashville there was no fuel there was no gas stations all right and it got crazy quick and people were like having to go out and see their neighbor and say hey uh do you uh do? Yes, I do. I need to go shopping. I do too. Great. Then when do you want to go?

It was crazy. We have enough gas to go shopping. This was in Nashville? In Nashville. How long did this go on for? It was going on for like two and a half weeks. It didn't happen in Georgia too? It happened in a lot of places.

Because that happened while we were in Atlanta while that was going down. And the people were talking about it when we were working at the punchline. Right. And the people were talking about it when we were working at the punchline. Right. And the employees were talking about it.

Yeah. There was no gas and people were waiting in giant lines to get in. Giant lines and as soon as you see people were going

on their CBs and internet and looking for trucks. I mean, any tanker that was going through was being diverted. Dude, we don't know how close we are to the tit.

Dude, we are less than eight hours away from total catastrophe at any time. God damn it, Ralphie May. Why are you bringing this doom and gloom here? I'm just trying to say positive. I'm trying to be positive. I'm just trying to tell you that you're right to train and be UFC and be fucking closer to your chimp.

Because we are very close. With our fucking iPhones and everything like this and Twittering and be fucking, you know, closer to your chimp, all right, because we are very close, you know, with our fucking iPhones and everything like this and Twittering and all this shit, you know, we've got this amazing amount of power that an electromagnetic pulse would knock out completely, all right, or say fucking a terrorist, you know, instead of going for the fucking towers, all right, they flew into that fucking indian river fucking a nuclear facility you know that's between poughkeepsie and new york and irradiated all in new york or hypernovas i was watching this documentary hypernovas and other galaxies these hypernovas um they first when they first started recording them they had no idea that anything could emit this much power that hypernovas have so much power.

They have more power than all the stars in the sky combined. Yeah. And they happen all the time. They happen, like, a couple times a day. They're, like, all throughout the day they're happening. And these waves, these massive waves of energy, the cosmic rays. And it's just fucking massive supernova sun exploding event.

That could rip the atmosphere away. That would just destroy the entire galaxy just cut through it and just rape everything leave everything in there and dead and just it would start anew cook the galaxy it would start anew and they're just going off they're all going off this guy. Pop. Jesus. Just going off, dude. It's fucking mind-blowing what's out there. Beyond mind-blowing. What could kill all of us? It was a great special on PBS. I don't know if you saw the documentary.

I don't need to watch that shit. Or think like that all the time. Or you're just at Walmart and somebody stabs you. Yeah, I'm just stabbed at Walmart. You're a kid in Milwaukee. Brian's scared of Walmart. Let's get to the heart of this. Has anybody ever pulled a knife on you in Walmart?

Yes. Yeah, there's tons of weapons there. Someone pulled a knife on you at Walmart. Oh, no. No, no. I've never had a supernova in my face. Yeah, that's true, too. Some douchebag cholo supernova.

I want to start some shit. Cosmically, we were wearing Chargers jerseys. All right? We got stabbed by a Raiders fan. What the fuck happened? Dude, I was reading some article online about they're watching these two galaxies collide somewhere. And they're just starting to record this. Yeah. The galaxies hit each other, dude.

Yeah. Just stop and think about that shit. You could get hit by a planet. Well, you know, everything has gravity, so the sun is the most dense thing in the solar system, and it's spinning in something more dense to make it spin in that area that rotates something else that's even denser

to cause it to have a gravitational spin while exponentially space is expanding out to infinity. And it just fucking blows your mind, dude. When you start listening to Carl Sagan, and you start listening to Stephen Hawking, and shit like that, it's fucking mind-blowing. It's amazing we're as calm as we are about it all.

It's amazing we just... Isn't it? You kind of have to. You just accept it. You have to accept a certain level of anxiety and panic. And it's like, what the fuck? And there we are back to religion it's not me it's god the big thing uh with the real serious conspiracy theorists is the 2012 thing that's the big one i know 2012 and and you know my anunaki connection that that's when the the big planet that's on an elliptical orbit

that's 3,600 years away it comes around and comes into our atmosphere every 3,600 years and that's where we learned everything that's where the Anunnaki came from and they taught us how to mine for gold for them it's pretty trippy dude

that's crazy I love it man did you see that fucking shit that passed between us and the moon that big meteor um which time it's happened a bunch of times yeah but i mean the one that just happened like a month ago no i didn't pay attention to that was it a big one it was fucking big as a semi really yeah it hits it explodes in the fucking atmosphere and we have what they did in Siberia in 1918. Would it really?

Yeah, man. Something that size could do that? Yes. Wow. It's fucking amazing. You know that plane that we're talking about? The supersonic jet was going 2,000 miles an hour, right? The asteroids that hit, a lot of them are going 45,000 miles an hour.

Boom. Stop and think about that. Vaporization. Just... Screaming through space and slamming into the earth. The one that killed the dinosaurs, within the first second, it was five miles deep into the earth.

Wow. That's amazing. That's the one off the Yucatan Peninsula, right? Within the first second, it was five miles deep into the earth. You can't even, you won't even see that. Like, maybe on the other side, no, it's the speed of light. It would be a flash and you'd be gone.

Dude, that would suck hard. And you know what would suck harder? Living. You couldn't. If you fucking lived through that, you're just some scurrying, egg-stealing rat. you fucking live through that you would just some scurrying it would cause massive stealing rat i mean if this thing hits like like it did i mean it would turn continents over the ultimate trip to think that 65 million years ago there was none of this there was none of us there was nothing even close no flowering plants yeah everything was totally different. 65 million years ago. Crazy, isn't it?

And giant lizards that just fucked each other up. Just ate all day. They ate each other. All giant lizards cannibalizing each other. They found out that T-Rex was a huge cannibal. That's the most recent discovery. Really? Yeah.

Huge cannibal. Yeah, they just ate everything. They'd attack everything. They ate each other. They also found out that one dinosaur didn't even exist, though, so I don't even... Triceratops. Yeah, well, they found out it existed. No, it exists, but they didn't know that it was just the mature version of another dinosaur.

What if there was only one dinosaur that lived, and it was a huge alien that ate all these other creatures and barfed it out throughout the Earth, you know, that none of these animals actually even lived on Earth. It was just another alien that barfed it everywhere. What? You know, like this big alien came from another planet, and it just, alien that barfed it everywhere. What? You know, like this big alien came from another planet, and he just like barfed, barfed. Yeah, and it did that for 250 million years.

That adds up to the carbon dating of all these fossils. The fuck's wrong with you, man? You live in a cartoon world. No, it was just this one huge dinosaur that visited Earth once in a while. He was like, hey, I'm just gonna go barf on Earth for a bit. What if we're just a toilet? We don't even know.

You got brain damage. You need to find out what happened. That actually makes more sense than a lot of things. Oh, it totally makes sense. No, I agree with you. That a big, giant dinosaur barfed out all these dinosaurs that are here. That's totally what happened.

No, bones from eating them. He shit it out. He ate them all over hundreds of millions of years.'s totally what happened. No, no, bones from eating them. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's totally what happened. He shit it out. He shit it out. He ate them all over hundreds of millions of years. He totally did. And throughout the entire evolutionary chain where you can see

where they had legs and then all of a sudden they learned how to walk. They were probably all different species because we don't know what species and what type of young. That's what I'm saying. That one dinosaur

that they just said didn't exist just found out it was a younger version of another dinosaur. Yeah. Yeah, so all these other species and all these other dinosaurs we don't have any idea of this dinosaur is this dinosaur you know we find out new shit all the time yeah we find out new shit all the time but they know most of what happened the thing the only thing is that's really weird about any fossils is that most things when they die do not leave a fossil when you die most likely you're not going

to leave a fossil you leave a fossil if you die in like a mudslide yeah you leave in a you know most of the times you just yeah animals come along and eat your bones and that's a wrap this monster likes to eat dinosaurs in mud like like like like bear for instance here's a perfect example it's very difficult to find dead bears you know we know bears we know bears die all the time but you don't really run into them their bodies that often. That's because they eat them. They eat them, and rats eat them, and something eats the bones, and coyotes eat them, and the bones get crushed up and ground up. If you don't come up on it within a matter of a week, two weeks.

I don't know how long it takes, but yeah. Sometimes, I mean, I've been walking through the woods in Arkansas and walked up on a deer carcass. Yeah. I mean, where a whole deer you know with its antlers and everything so the point is if you want to find a fossilized deer good luck yeah good luck good luck i mean deer have been around for who knows how long let's say a million years or so it's not long enough to make a fossil where's the fossilized deer well they're in the tar pits they're in shit like that right shit like that perfect example yeah the pleistocene you know

ended just 10 000 years ago i just i just found just found out recently that saber-toothed tigers and woolly mammoths, they existed just a little over 10,000 years ago. Right where we are. That is incredible. Right where we are. Wrap your head around that. Woolly mammoths were just 10,000 years ago. Dude, wrap your mind around this.

There's scientists that want to recreate the woolly mammoth. Oh, I've seen that. Russian scientists. Yeah. They've got the DNA. As a food source. As a huge food source in very barren lands. Yeah, they're talking about how they could survive easily.

On lichens. Yeah. And they would just fucking butcher them and cook up the elephant meat. What do you think an elephant does? Oh, I bet it's like bison or whatever it's called. Bison? Bison. Really?

I bet it's like bison. Well, they're a totally different type of animal, though. Yeah. You know, bisons are related to, like, horses and shit. It's like the same hoofed animals. I mean, they're the same. You know, they're different, but they're related. I don't think elephant's in that.

I think that's a totally different thing. Right? Yeah. I don't know. Elephants are poisonous. But that's where they would incubate the embryo. So in Africa, do people eat a lot of elephant? Is that, like, a common thing?

They used to i know they still hunt them yeah people don't understand they kind of have to hunt them in some places some places they overpopulate and they start fucking with with the people that live there and yeah they'll kill houses and shit yeah fucking dead dude like most i mean it's that's why it's horrible to any elephant elephants are fantastic animals it's horrible that any of them have to get killed but if people are going to live there and elephants are going to live there, you're going to have to choose between elephants and people. Or you're going to have to move those elephants and get them somehow the fuck out of there.

Or move the people. Yeah. It's a tricky thing, man. Elephant ears are delicious. Apparently. What the fuck is wrong with you today? I would assume they're just leathery. I mean, I got hit by an elephant.

Do you still have that elephant horn, the got hit by an elephant do you still have that elephant uh horn do the uh ivory dildo do you still have that uh what you don't remember that no okay whatever you don't remember an ivory dildo dude that escapes you really wow i'm see i'm doing what you do now stew but i'm just making shit up oh not fun is it well yeah not so good for conversation is that was actually a possibility though i possibility. You might have an ivory dildo. I've met somebody that has something ivory that's like, why is that ivory? That's bad. I'm trying to think, did I did a girl that had a ivory dildo?

The thing about ivory is there's a ban on ivory, but they harvested so many tusks before the ban that it's readily available. You can buy pre-ban ivory, it's called. And you've got to look at it this way. Those animals were already murdered. And they were murdered for their horns, their tusks. And you should do something with it.

Someone should either have it and buy it as a decoration because it's beautiful to remind people that these majestic animals live and they have these crazy horns. Or use it to make things out of. But otherwise, you're just wasting the fact that these things died. Yeah. They don't make soap out of ivory. No, but it is good soap. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I know. Again, soap. Dude, you are like the perfect child. You're like the child. It's so strange working with you. It is good soap, though. Every soap is perfect. That's all you need, right?

Do you guys use soap, or do you go to the liquid soap? Because I recently switched back to soap because I saw some study about how dirty and gross soap is, and then I went to body soap instead, and then I recently went back to body soap i use this stuff called defense soap it's all for grappling it's soap that's designed with all these natural oils in it like tea tree oil and stuff like that eucalyptus oil smells great and it's it's probiotic so it encourages healthy bacteria and kills negative bacteria wow kills everything everything

bad off your body but it's not antibiotic, or it's not antibacterial. So it doesn't fuck with the natural chemistry of your skin. It actually enhances it. And it smells good, and it's healthy. It's really good for your skin. And it's great for after jiu-jitsu,

because, you know, everybody, when you do jiu-jitsu, you always worry about getting skin rashes, whether it's ringworm, or some people get staph infections from scratches, and shit like that. Do you use washcloth? When you shower with soap?

Sometimes. I use a couple different things. I use one of those MUFA sponge things in my hand. It's the shit. Yeah, but doesn't the bacteria and all that crap get on that? I use a fresh one. You use the same one? See, I don't use any one.

I just use my hand. Oh, okay. You still got a lot of dead cells. I think you clean the sponge off, man. You wash the sponge off. I don't think it's fucking rocket science. I use't use anyone. I just use my hand. Oh, you're kind of. You still got a lot of dead cells. I think you clean the sponge off, man. You wash the sponge off. I don't think it's fucking rocket science. I use Jo Malone soap. It can't be too much of a pussy.

I like that shit. You can't be worried about bacteria in your sponge. I like to get in there. Get that fucking soap in there. You'll be fine. But yeah, the defense soap is the shit. If you want to try it out, you go to defensesoap.com, I think. And it's like the guy who owns the company is a guy.

His kids wrestle, and he's always been around wrestling, and he got tired of all these kids getting ringworm. So he developed a soap that was a natural soap to combat ringworm because a lot of people, they go and get antibacterial soaps. And that antibacterial, it kills all the good bacteria too. So all the shit that's – what you need to do is take probiotics. What people don't know, it's one of the most important things, too, when cold season comes around, man. Wash your fucking hands. Wash your fucking hands, but take probiotics. Take acidophilus.

Oh, yeah. Our kids are on that. Yeah, and kombucha tea is a good one, too. And the reason being is because these are aggressive, healthy bacteria. and the reason being is because these are aggressive healthy bacteria and when you come in contact with shitty bacteria

your aggressive healthy bacteria that you're getting from the acidophilus will actually fight it off. Yeah. And it keeps your body healthy and strong strengthens your immune system

wash your fucking hands and take that shit and we'll have half the problems we have here. I do. I do. I have the hand sanitizer thing like crazy nowadays.

Our friend Johnny Rotten was telling us a great story last night about soap. This is a fucking amazing story that there was a guy Maybe we should wait until he gets here. Well, I'm talking about it right now.

We'll have him come back on. I don't know the full details anyway, but I can't just tease people like that. Tune in next week when maybe we might have Johnny Rotten. While we tease him with the Guam story. Anyway.

What happens is, we'll go back to that. Don't worry. What this guy figured out was that there was soap in hotel rooms. And he would go and he would wash once with it and he would put it back. And he thought, what happens to that soap? Do they throw it out? So he contacted all these major chains of hotels and says, what do you do with your soap when someone uses it once and just tosses it out?

They go, well, we just throw them away. And he said, well, you know that there's like, you know, an incredible amount of people die of just diarrhea, and children die in third world countries because they don't have soap to wash their hands with. Diarrhea, dying of diarrhea and all that crap. So this guy decides that he's going to

organize this foundation to collect soap from these hospitals, and they clean off the soap and then be redistributed to all these poor places and they're saving people's lives left and right amazing amazing shit man amazing but that just shows how close we are without soap well it just shows you how what's really going on is we're fighting off organisms all the time there's a constant battle for organisms yeah and you think that there'd be something That would since there's you know Six seven billion people on the earth Now that there would be some

Microbe that Just like in everything nature When population gets out of control There has to be something that calls the herd Well there is we just keep killing them We keep finding vaccines for them We keep finding ways around it But without a doubt that's what they're doing

But like you know antibiotic resistant uh tuberculosis or MRSA staph infection that's a perfect one because it actually comes from hospitals and i mean people get in hospitals and it also um is one of those things where they suspect that a lot of what this stuff comes from is people taking their antibiotics but not finishing the full cycle so when you take like antibiotics you only take it for a couple of days and you go i think i feel okay well you haven't killed off all that bacteria yeah so the bacteria that lives is stronger because of it and then it gets transmitted to someone else you know because it's so small so are we by fighting things off we're creating even stronger things and by our own stupidity and you know negligence and using

drugs correctly. And not just giving a shit. You've got to take probiotics, people. If you learn anything from this show, it's that. And that Ralphie May got arrested in Guam. So, Ralphie. Do you get strip-throated a lot? I don't.

That's funny, though. I'm not even answering you. Alright, so, meanwhile, back an hour ago. Back in Guam. Okay, Mariana's trench, hardest, deepest trench in the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had this bag in that you just... No, no, let him go.

I had a backpack. Right. And at the bottom of it, I had 14 grams in a smelly-proof bag. Jesus Christ, 14 grams. That's almost a pound. No, 14 grams is half an ounce. That's ounce. Half an ounce that's ounce ounces instead of grams okay so 14 grams is almost an ounce why do you know no no it's it's half an ounce what is half

an ounce 14 14 grams so why do you have that much weed um i thought i took it all out i took out three and a half gram i mean three and a half you know what's annoying about grams and shit grams are metric yeah okay but ounces ounces are not ounces are that's the standard that's what we use america so like we have all this shit mixed up like grams are mixed up like if you do a joke about grams the only people who get it are drug addicts yeah you know people who know drugs we're cereal. I always get them fucking confused. Teddy Grahams. But it's weird that they're from a different system. Golden.

That when we get low, we use grams. But like when someone talks to me about centimeters, I have to go, okay, what? Who's that? What is that? I think it's like 1.34. I'm always dealing in kilograms, too, because of fights. 2.2 pounds. When we do fights in Europe, the weirdest one is in England.

They have stone. Stones, right? Yeah, which is, I believe it's somewhere around 13 pounds. Stone. He'll say he's 10 stone. That means you're like 130 pounds. Wow. How weird is that?

Crazy. Yeah, what does that mean? They got a lot of leftover shit. The reason why they drive on the left side of the road. Yeah, like horses with hands and stuff like that. What? Horses with hands. Horses with hands?

Yeah, they measure a horse's height. Cenotars? By its hands. a horse's height by its hands. They call it hands. Oh, a person's hand? How many hands can you stack for a person? I think it's like 8.4 inches is one hand. Oh, wow. Really?

Yeah, so like a horse stands like 12 hands. Big fucking horse. How strange is the whole fucking measuring system being different everywhere you know inches and kilometers that's what they try to do with the metric they tried we were all supposed to convert and they just said fuck it isn't that weird that we didn't do that like how dumb are we like we wanted to make sure that people like figured it out so we said you know it's too complicated people not enough people are going to figure it out fuck it

all it is is just a new system based on 10 yeah if you learn inches fucking for sure you can learn kilometers it's all going away very soon going away all the difference you know things like the the grams the ounces the the language barriers everything's fucking going away in like five years even maybe 10 years when it gets so good that voice activation like being able to like have something on your person so if a person's talking japanese it's automatically just going to translate for you into english if somebody's telling you 12 feet instead of 12 ounces or whatever it's going to see the problem is when you translate languages like say if you translate japanese into english you're gonna have to also if you're gonna translate it into english and have it direct

it's gonna come out real funky because the way they talk and communicate is almost alien so there's a lot of creative license involved in structuring sentences that are going to make sense but that's easy compared to most technology you know that's i mean look at the shit already i mean you're fucking calling up macy's and it's like say one you know say two right and that's just like generic that is pretty dope you know so i love the car thing i love being able to tell my car call brian yeah and it just calls you yeah that's insane man yeah that is so dope yeah my everybody's iphones can do that voice control you just tell it's amazing that's that freaks me out and uh my friend uh kade has um not kate

it was dustin has um one of those droid x's and he sent that phone's a shit he sent a text by talking to it he's like he talked to it and he and no he made something like you know i'm here with joe rogan and he says i love you and i look at it and it says i'm here with joe logan that was the only thing that was wrong it picked up logan instead of rogan was he like hey my battery's about to die on my Droid. Call me, call my friends. Oh, never mind. I don't know. That was a tech joke. Those phones suck battery life.

They suck battery life. Yeah, but you can always keep an extra battery. The thing about iPhones that suck is when they die, like yours did last night, hi, they just die. I hate that. They die and it takes 10 minutes to turn back on. So you're sitting there like a dumbass going, what the fuck? It's like that last dollar of gas when you prepay you're sitting there going why is this going so slow there's no reason for this to quit they want you to yeah is that

what it is is that like come on bitch have you ever done that i've never done that before yeah i've never walked away but i want to start doing that you want to walk away like you can keep your dollar my fucking time here holding your handle is worth more than a dollar to me that's like toilet bowl technology that should be fixed by now. There should be no extra two minutes of waiting for the last dollar of gas when you pre-play. Come on, that's fucking annoying. Do they have one of those with the new iPhone?

Remember how they used to be able to buy the extra large charger? It was gigantic. It was not a charger, rather a battery. It was on the back of it. It acted as a case but also acted as a battery. Oh, yeah. Do they have that for the new phone?

Not yet. The new iPhone? Yeah, the iPhone 4. Oh, yeah, absolutely. They have one of those new big ones for the new version. Yeah, I couldn't find one. Absolutely, yeah, Amazon.com. Is it just as cumbersome and large?

It's pretty big. There's a few different ones now. But the new iPhone has like 40% more battery life. So does this one have double that? And it charges a lot faster. Yeah that? And it charges a lot faster. Yeah? Yeah, it's a lot faster. The ones that, I forget the name of the company that makes it, but they double your battery life.

Mophie. Mophie. Mophie. Mophie. I don't know. Like Mophie Mae. I know. Yeah, power and batteries, man.

That is a big major holdup. You know, like these electric cars they're trying to put together. That's all well and good, man. Lithium batteries, and good but when you're going 150 miles that's it that's the best you can do is 150 miles and that's if you drive cool if you don't freak like they took one of those teslas you know they have those uh electric like sports car yeah and they they beat the fucking shit out of this thing around a track but it was it was cooked in like a couple of miles man a couple of miles that bitch was done you know they did it like for maybe 20 miles or something they ran this track a few times a few laps and i ran in full speed it's just cooked it's like it's out

of juice it was done yeah they tested it against a bunch of other cars like the boxster and all these different sports cars or different like uh little you know sporty little sort of convertible type cars it's not there yet you. The technology is not quite there yet. And the weight is ridiculous. So you've got all this weight behind the car. There's no real engine in the front. It's not like a big fucking V8 that balances out all these batteries in the back.

No. It's like this weird little electric engine in the front. And in the back, you've got this fucking giant bricks and bricks of these lithium ion batteries. And it's super heavy. And they're going to die. They're not going to last. They're going to die

off. It's not simple like you just change the spark plugs. No, you've got to get new batteries. You've got all new batteries. Your batteries suck now. It's not quite there yet. It's weird, man. It's like that technology, that area of technology, it seems to be there's a little bit of a hump there. It's going to turn into

wireless electricity I think that has to be because I don't know man you know Tesla had a had a fucking thing for that yeah yeah Westinghouse

Westinghouse when they found out what he was doing they closed him down yeah they shut him the fuck down crazy guy wanted to give away free electricity to the whole world wanted to radiate the atmosphere

that's probably what's next though for electricity what if that's what if HAARP is based on is HAARP based on Tesla's HAARP is based on Tesla's technology? All technology is based on Tesla. Really? Is that but directly?

All modern technology. Except flashlight technology. Right, but directly. Did Tesla have something to do with it? I would assume so. I bet we're going to find out. I bet so. It took him 30 years after his death to finally get the credit for inventing the radio.

Descended from Tesla's work. Wow. Dude, it took 30 years after his death to get credit for inventing radio. Yeah. Everybody gives it to Marconi. Yeah, still, when you hear about it, you hear Marconi. You don't hear about Tesla. And he didn't do it.

He invented like a hundred different fucking things. What? Dude, he was constantly inventing. Yeah. But they said he was like autistic. He would be diagnosed today. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've talked about that with a friend of mine that I have that has autistic children or an autistic kid.

And he's like the aptitude that these kids have for learning things and for holding information and for dispensing it and spitting it back out, it's shocking. It almost makes you think, I wonder if this is some weird hiccup up to the next stage of evolution. Exactly. What we're seeing is obviously a disease. These kids are obviously impaired when it comes to being able to communicate emotionally and being able to reach out. But don't you think nature constantly, when it goes to evolve in anything, any form, over the history of the earth through evolution,

that it's made a lot of fuck-ups until the one thing hit and then boom, that's the next level. Well, that's the idea is that we have mutations and that from those mutations, the ones that are useful are kept. Yeah. And the natural selection dictates

that we move in that direction right but that's what all of the evolution of mankind or any animal supposed to be from that's one of the theories you know there's a few theories but the the idea that these kids that are super genius kids like what they're having is uh you know just like a blip or just a glimpse as to the potential of what human beings can do there's this one kid kid, man. I don't know what we talked about on the podcast. I think we might have. He flew over Europe and looked out his window at Germany from his airplane and then drew it when he got home.

Drew it in absolute perfect detail. Every city, every, or every rather block, every house, every window, all in the perfect place, perfect perspective, perfect size. It's fucking incredible definitely this is a human being this is a human being that can do something that i can't do and you can't do but they can't brush your teeth he has a hard time with a lot of other aspects of life and i'm wondering if like one of this is like some overpowering blip of the new future you know there's overpowering just like one little thing like maybe he doesn't have the

whole package he doesn't have the whole super fucking dr manhattan package yeah but he's close that one gets with another one then that offspring what's that maybe that's definitely wapner guy though you know that's that same thing you know like the the movie rain men whatever that disease is that yeah it is the same thing autism so maybe anyone that's special needs is the future of what we – No, it's not special needs because a lot of that is just a mistake that in the dog-eat-dog world of nature, we were not allowed to survive. If we were living thousands of years ago and you had kids that were heavily deformed, they didn't live. That's just what happened. They get eaten.

Yeah. But it's like – but it all is mutation. And it's crazy. It's mutation sometimes. But it all is mutation. And it's crazy. Sometimes, I mean, the idea is that, isn't it like the idea that a lot of mutation comes from radiation, comes from just fucking shit in space and the sun? Yeah, supposedly. And that causes mutation.

There's triggers. And sometimes these mutations lead to evolution. Yeah, to better survivability. Yeah, man. It could very well be that what we're seeing. I mean, could you imagine if you were a regular person who had regular social skills and totally normal and irregular insecurities, but for whatever reason, you were capable of looking at Berlin out the window of an airplane and then just drawing it in extreme detail,

like into a point where people are shocked, like you've got some magic power of retention. But that'd be amazing. Fuck, man. That's a photographic memory beyond comprehension yeah but but it's always someone who's fucked up it's almost like you only get so much horsepower you know right and your brain has so much horsepower how much do you want to dedicate to this how much are you going to dedicate to art how much are you going to dedicate to thinking well yeah michelangelo leonardo da vinci i wonder what those dudes are like they were

supposedly autistic according to you know because they were in written history. You know? I bet they're pimps. You think that Michelangelo and da Vinci were both autistic? Why do you think that? They say they were higher functioning autistic, is what they would be described as. Really? But how do they know that?

They don't have any recordings of them communicating. They have diaries. They have letters. They have the communications, the writings, Leonardo da Vinci's writings. Imagine if they found your shit and they just looked at it. They have diaries. They have letters. They have communications. The writings. Leonardo da Vinci's writings. Imagine if they found your shit and they just looked at it. Oh, man. He's retarded.

He's retarded. Without a doubt. Ralphie May was retarded. We found his writing. They saw my notebook. They would be fucking, he's retarded. We saw his comedy

and we knew he was a talented performer, but we always wondered, what was it? Oh, well, we read his writing. We realized he was retarded. Oh, yeah. There you go.

People just judge you and shit based on shit they find hundreds of years from now. That's what they're going to do, man. You can't tell me that Leonardo da Vinci writing we realized he was retarded oh yeah there you go people just like judge you and shit based on shit they find hundreds of years from now they can't do that you can't tell me that leonardo da vinci had autism that's what they're gonna do you know we call chaucer a genius but there was some other guy who was a dirty guy you know i mean chaucer's dirtiest thing was the miller's tale who who are you talking about jeffrey chaucer who's that what is he was the first novelist the first novelist ever well he didn't write the first was the first novelist. The first novelist ever? Well, he didn't write the first novel. The first novel was Beowulf,

but the first novel of substance that was printed with the printing press was Geoffrey Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales. Oh, yeah? And one of them was called The Miller's Tale, and he uses the past tense of shit, and this is in the 1500s. You mean like Shat? Yeah.

Powerful. Yeah, yeah yeah it was great and uh he's giving credit with the creating the word fuck how great a word is that and writing it down and using it but i thought that was supposed to be for fornication and the consent of the king that's what it was originally for unlawful carnal knowledge one of the two that there's a lot of debate about that, but he used it in print. Like, fuck you? Like, yeah. Like, go fuck yourself.

Really? Or let's fuck. Wow. Yeah. Powerful. But there was somebody else. I mean, you think he's the only writer in all of England that ever wrote a dirty shit? You know, it just never got published, you know?

If we just judge comedy by Seinfeld, okay, what we do, you and I, would not even consider comedy. We'd be ranting lunatics. You know what I mean? In comparison with jokes, set up, punch, you know, no opinion, observational comedy. You know what I mean? It's like, but he was the most popular. Therefore, he's known as that time's greatest guy. There's nothing that shows the evolution of culture more than stand-up comedy.

You know, in my opinion. It's real weird when you go back and, like, listen to, like, Lenny Bruce's stuff. Yeah. You know, go back and listen to, like, this is stuff that got him arrested. You know, in, like, the 1950s and 1960s. And it's less than a potluck at the fucking comedy store. You can get it on NBC. You can get it on Mass Comic Standing with all of his shit.

Yeah, right? Yeah, I mean, it's like barely offensive. It's so strange. But he had some good shit, though, even back then. Yeah, he had some good perspectives on the Catholic Church and stuff like that. How about on... He had on a bunch of different things, man. How about my favorite one was he did on homosexuality being illegal.

Oh, yeah. Just take this, man. Homosexuality is illegal. So if you're gay, they arrest you. And what do they do? They put you in jail with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you. Yeah, it didn't make sense. It doesn't make sense.

This is a joke that he did in the 50s. And I saw a comic. I know it's not a joke thief. But he tried to re-say it in the 90s. And I had to say, that's like a lenny bruce joke from like 1950 something and he was like shit like yeah of course somebody already thought that up yeah of course of course that's what that's what that's what's shitty about it all you know is that it's that there's so many that's come before us no that's great though that's great there's always

still things to talk about if it wasn't for them, we would suck. Without a doubt. You know, people need to slowly learn how to take a joke over the course of 50 or 60 years. Right. The kind of shit that you can talk or I can talk on stage now, you couldn't do that back then. No way, man. Thank God that they did that because they broke a lot of boundaries, man. Richard Pryor got a lot of people used to people saying pussy and motherfucker and yeah he got people used to that shit you know lenny bruce got people used to questioning things

questioning the use of words questioning you know all sorts of aspects of our culture they got people to take a joke they got people to like kind of lighten up and understand this just relax yeah everybody's so worked up over now you know like um like uh the use of derogatory slang as far as names go. And it's just all worked up. Your outrage is a learned thing. And if you didn't learn that the N-word was something that's supposed to be offensive, it would just be another two-syllable word. And by calling it the N-wordword you just embolden that word

and keep it in our vernacular that if you use the word like groovy or far out why do these words and phrases leave our vernacular and become uncool groovy is still awesome it's still good I'm still down with groovy

and if I'm stoned and I see something I'll say far out right right but not many people say it far out something, I'll say far out. Right, right. But not many people say it. Far out, man. I haven't used far out in a long time. Yeah, isn't it crazy though? I'm using that from now on. Far out's back, bitches. It's coming back like the fanny pack.

And the fanny pack. Coming back. You're bringing back the fanny pack. I don't give a fuck, dude. I rock a fanny pack every time I travel. Do you really? People look at me like they thought I was kidding. I thought you were joking. If they heard me say it and they see me. You love a fanny pack? I love a fanny pack. I got a backpack people look at me people look at me like they thought i was kidding i thought you were joking if they heard me say it you love a fanny pack i got a backpack

i mean what am i backpacks are good too but i like a fanny pack that's where i had the way yeah your fucking wallet and all your chain you know your keys and your bullshit yeah just take it off go through put it back on it's much faster i'm not trying to get laid man it's the way to go right and you know i took care of that a long time ago uh-huh holla back it's funny how things come and go in style at one point in time a leather fanny pack was the fucking rage yeah with my dad with your dad did your dad have the neon green yeah he had one green one and he's still i think he's still breast cancer hey merco crocop rocks one as do his whole team a lot of guys in mma rock them don't

fuck around tim crater rocks one man i ain't saying this guy dude that guy put me in a choke did he yeah at the palms that time that we were hanging out forrest griffin did yeah yeah and he didn't like hammer down on it he just enough to get get your attention okay like that why didn't you go did you ask him to no he just walked up behind me and that was his way of saying i love your comedy really yeah yeah not a hello not a what's up and but you have to interview him on friday i'm gonna confront him with this information yeah yeah and and he put me in a choke right there and i felt i felt like yeah i could go i could go out right now i mean it was like that i've never been knocked out like that. You haven't been choked unconscious? No, no.

It's not fun. Yeah, yeah. That was the first time that I'd ever even come close. You know, I don't get into shit like that, you know? I'm funny. You never had a chick want to, like, tie a tie around your neck while you fuck her? Fuck no. No.

What's wrong with pussy? Why has everybody got an augment pussy and accelerated? She wants you to fuck her while she's holding your tie and squeezing it tight no i've never gotten it like that that's great that sounds awesome i had a chick ask if she could tie me up i was like bitch are you crazy yeah no shit are you out of your fucking mind right i've never allowed that this is control many many many years ago when i had terrible judgment when all i would cared about was what if they were hot.

You know, like if she was hot and I figured I could get her, like, wow. You know, like when I was like 22. I was an idiot, you know? Right. And this one chick that I dated was just fucking completely bananas, and she wanted to tell me off. Those Boston Brats?

Yeah, yeah. She used to get mad at me, and she would get mad, she would pick up a knife. I'm not bullshitting. I'm not bullshitting. She wouldn't do anything with it, but she would pick up a knife and hold it in her hand when she would get mad. I'm like, bitch,. I'm not bullshitting. She wouldn't do anything with it, but she'd pick up a knife and hold it in her hand when she would get mad.

I'm like, bitch, you better put the fucking weapon down because this is getting crazy right now. I think that, you know, you're at a different level, dude. I think that you attract

those type of broads, okay? You know what I mean? Like, I never met a chick like that that would pull a knife on you and shit like that. She didn't pull the knife. She didn't pull it.

If she was going to use it, she would just hold it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's a different level, dude. She was going to use it. She would just hold it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's a different level, dude. She was hot as fuck, though, dude. She could fuck crazy, right? Oh, this bitch, yeah.

She was crazy. She's beyond crazy. That's what I'm talking about. And where do they go? They become mothers, and they're fucking in minivans. I don't know. I have no idea where this one... This is one I would probably like to see her Facebook page. Find out what the fuck. I don't remember her name, though. I remember her first name. I don't remember. I have no idea where this one... This is one I would probably like to see on our Facebook page.

Find out what the fuck. I don't remember her name, though. I remember her first name, but I don't remember her last name. Isn't it crazy to think of all the fucking women you've been with, like, how your life intersected with their life and where they're at now?

There's a bunch. I'd like to go back. But the thing is, you don't because that's what you learned from. You learned from... And they learned from you and you learned from them and they're not who they were back then

and neither are you who you were right you weren't no goddamn picnic either i was no picnic when i was 22 i was fucking crazy that was completely insane when i was 22 that's when you were like knocking people out i was still fighting yeah i was no i was not i think everyone really getting street is insane when they're 22 i mean every person every single one of those people are fucking insanely crazy. Sure. A lot of people are dumb and crazy and they haven't got a handle on themselves yet, but I was exceptionally fucked up. Because I was

still fighting. I was still competing. I was kickboxing and I was doing Taekwondo tournaments and at that time I did not know what the fuck I was doing with my life and it was all spent on just trying to figure out. It was all martial arts competition had been my whole past and then I was trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do with my future. And then I started getting into comedy.

And that's when I met this crazy bitch. With the knife. The knife. What was it like coming from Boston with Dennis Leary being around every corner. And hearing about Bill Hicks and that stuff. Well I was a huge Dennis Leary fan first. Oh really? I was a huge Dennis Leary fan man.

I came to see Dennis Leary once. I paid to see Dom Herrera. And Dom missed his flight. Something happened. Or they rescheduled or whatever. So, and Dennis Leary was the headliner. I was like, who's this guy? Where's Dom Herrera?

Shit. I was like bummed out. But Leary went up and just lit that fucking place on fire, dude. He destroyed. I heard he was a beast. And I remember thinking, whoa whoa like who's this guy never saw this guy before and i was like i don't i think i'd maybe gone on stage once i was like a total raw open micer you know right paying to see this local show right on a date and i remember i

told all my friends i brought a bunch of my i brought my roommates who went to see dennis leary at nick's comedy stop and fucking they were like shit, this guy's killer, it's awesome. And then, it was like, maybe a month or two later, Hicks came into town, and everybody was like, oh, you gotta see this guy,

like Paul Barkley, who's one of the owners of the comedy club, he's a real comedy connoisseur, really loved good comedy, like, oh, this guy's got great writing,

you gotta see this guy when he's in town. So I take his advice, and I go to see him, and I see great writing, but I've heard these premises before and i've heard the bits before i've heard a couple of them yeah and like there was like like holy shit this guy's like doing the same stuff that leary was doing like the same premises about like jim fix

dying of a heart attack while he's jogging it's like a few of them they were like all right i don't remember if that was the specific one there was a few of them they were like really the same jokes and the same bits. So I asked the local comics, I go, what the fuck is up? And their response was, Leary steals. They're like, really? Leary just fucking steals. He's a thief.

I was like, wow. So he's stealing from this guy? So this guy was like this really weird, introspective, really intelligent guy who really was looking deep in his shit and taking mushrooms and going on peyote trips and trying to find himself. And then I guess some people were just feeding off of it. I know in Houston, he let me open for him once at the laugh stop. Houston? Yeah.

Really? Because I've been doing stand-up comedy. What year was this? 91, 90, 91. Wow. And that's like... And I was 18. He died in like 93

was it 94 96 oh I thought it was 93 was it 96 I don't know Sam died in 92 that made me cry this morning

I remember that man that made me cry when Powitt Stern talks about him in such a way I have a connection with a couple radio guys like that

where he talks about we had Sam over 94 we knew he was out of control. We knew that he was fucking crazy, and he was out of control, and we knew he was going to die, but he was on the road,

and we wanted to give him a home-cooked meal, so we brought him home from radio, and I have a friend of mine, a cowhead in Tampa that's just like that. And the fact that he died at 38, and I'm at my level in my comedy and I'm 38 and it's fucking, you know, it fucks with your head, dude.

You know, you especially, you know. You think about mortality? I think about it more and more since I have my children. And that's why, you know, I'm losing weight slowly and it's plateaus unless I exercise. And if I don't feel well i can't exercise you

know i hurt physically hurt and um and then to compound that they want to give me uh painkillers and if i take the painkillers i don't want to move you know what i mean so it's a weird place you know i've got physical ailment i mean i've physical fucking problems. I was in a car wreck. I broke 42 bones, 64 separate breaks. I'm fucked up. Whoa, wait a minute. You were in a car accident and you have 42 broken bones? When was that? When was this?

It was 16, 1988. Holy shit, dude. Yeah. I was in the hospital for 48 days. And then after that, I was in a wheelchair for 10 months. Oh, my God. Yeah, I had spinal swelling. I broke my two vertebrae in my neck. hospital for 48 days and then after that i was in a wheelchair for 10 months oh my god yeah i had spinal swelling i had um i broke my two vertebrae in my neck i cracked i fractured uh two vertebrae in my neck two three in my back i broke one of the wings off my vertebrae and that's right there

so i have sciatic problems all right and they say i have amazingly dense bones and that uh i was very fortunate to live through it and um you know it just fucking changes everything and there it goes you're the fucking last couple years of being a teenager then then you know as a you people think you're retarded and you get for me they thought i was retarded and then they gave me a test and found that i was actually really smart and then they put me in this beginning scholars program at the University of Arkansas. And that's when I started doing comedy because my group met at a Shakey's Pizza on Highway 71 in Fayetteville, Arkansas. And our study group in organic chemistry met there and I fucking hung out, and there was an open mic contest, and the winner got free pizza and a fucking pitcher. And I had a joke about Vanna White's the dumbest person ever on television. She doesn't even have to know how to spell the words. They light them up for her, and she just walks over there and turns the fucking letter.

I mean, somebody could tell her how to do it. I mean, why are you shocked when the fucking letter comes up, you know? You don't even know how to spell it. You're the dumbest bitch ever okay and then i said um that i can't even though i love def leopard i can't see him i can't watch him because if i watch him uh you know in concert i feel like i'm mocking the drummer with two arms and clapping and applauding and raising both hands up you know i feel like this is how you when you just started out yeah yeah yeah and and and this is just you know i feel like this is how you when you just started out yeah yeah yeah and and and this is just you know right general premise i had jokes within right and i had seen it enough that i had

this and i want to stand up comedy contest and it went on from there moved from the shaky speeds to the ramada in out by the mall in fayetteville while i was going to school and it all happened because i got they tested me and i got into comedy. They tested you? Yeah, they tested me to see if I was retarded. They gave me an IQ test and they found out I was actually bright. That's how you got into comedy? They said you needed to go tell jokes? No, no. It was the fact that my study group showed up there at the Shakey's Pizza where they had the album.

Did you have a dream of being a comic before that? I did. I had a head, but I lived in Arkansas. I went to school in Winslow, Arkansas. comics from arkansas uh there's a couple there's a couple arkansas it's a crazy town huh it's a crazy place yeah it's a crazy state a state of mind a lot of nutty shit there man that was a lot of weird things when when bill clinton became president like he was the governor arkansas i know right it's kind of fucking loped out, man. Yeah, man. It's a crazy... What's the biggest city?

Little Rock. Little Rock, yeah. But now, actually, probably they've consolidated them into three cities into one megalopolis, I guess. You go down there? Do you work in Little Rock? I work there. I do concerts in Little Rock. I want to do one at the University of Arkansas.

I'm a big Razorback fan, and I'd love to do one back there. Because my first gig, I got to work with Sam Kennison. I won one of those talent show contests. K-Hawk, the local radio station, had a talent show contest. He was playing in the ballroom in, like, 89. You know what makes me sad about comedy, dude? When I remember Houston. Remember what Houston was like.

Yeah, when I remember what Houston was like when I first started going there. When that fucking open mic, man. Yeah. That open mic. Bebos. That would stop, and it would start at seven and go till two.

Till two. And never a comedian repeated, or if they did, there was a sketch or something live. And the audience constantly came in and out. Yeah.

And you were walking outside and smoking weed in the back of the room talking shit. There was a lot of good comics there. There was a lot of good comics. There was a lot of guys who were trying there was a lot of experimental amazing smart shit ethic of the town there's like they didn't want hacks in there right and they all knew that like hicks came from there and kinnison came from there heritage yeah there was something there in that

town and boy it just got extinguished it just got extinguished you know and i hear guys say hey we're working out again we got this going on again but man there's like that you don't hear about guys coming out of houston anymore no no maddie kersh came out of there and there was so much wasted talent man yeah i mean that's my favorite line brian hersey do you remember brian hersey i genius that dude is funny as fuck and he just kind of like stopped now he's a drunk that quit comedy that ain't cool man it's weird it's comedy. Now he's a drunk that quit comedy. That ain't cool, man. It's weird. It's like that place had a flower that was growing,

and then some or another clouds grew overhead, and the flower fucking died. It was right there, man. I think comedy was about to evolve from there. I think there was going to be 30, 40 comedians come out of there. I'm only giving you maybe 10 maybe 10 15 of the actual comedy community i mean there was one open mic that had literally over a hundred comics before okay and not everybody got to go on it so the improv there's not doing it now that people haven't met the level and they

don't they don't foster local talent and they don't those improvs are too clean man the laugh stop was dirty it was dirty Mark Babbitt was running it it was just fucking chaos people doing coke that place was chaos it was crazy it was nuttiness to the extreme

that's what you need the only way you get the real comedy to develop especially developing comedy there has to be chaos it has to be like the comedy store

it has to be like that place like the laugh stop it gets stifled if it doesn't I didn't grow as a comedian i mean i grew to a certain level like i knew how to rock a room but i had to do it cleaner and i had and i was a product of my environment i i went up um a lot of times i mean working the last stop was maybe six times a year you know as work goes but i would work out every weekend at this place called the Comedy Showcase in, in, um, go freeway and Fuquay. And it was owned by a very smooth, I think he's smoother

than, um, he's probably one of the most smooth comedians I've ever seen as far as like in an hour go in and out of subjects. Like it's just one conversation, a guy named Danny Martinez and his club, uh, he taught comics like he would he would have Wednesday through Sunday, and you'd get 10, 15 minute spots, and it was just a showcase club, and then also, I'd go and play the big black, I mean, the hip-hop comedy stop up in a hotel, a black room, and that's where I developed all these black jokes, because that was the fucking audience, I that's all i had you know and and um and then i started meeting you know i was probably hanging around with mexicans and black people all right and people go where did you get this fucking accent from and where you talk like that it's like well it was funny to the fucking

crowd i was i was trying i was playing for it so anyway you what you're saying is there was a lot of different places to go up there in houston houston houston had a real interesting comedy dynamic so many when that laugh stop closed down there really wasn't much there anymore it was before they opened up the second laugh stop but the second laugh stop was not the same no and before it even closed it wasn't the same because when babbitt left right and then uh homeboy pete came in yeah he was a good guy i like guy. I liked Pete. But Pete was like, he was like a straight up accountant sort of bookkeeping sort of a guy. Right. And you need shady weirdos running comedy clubs.

Yeah. Yeah. You need guys like our friend in San Francisco. You know, you need. You need. And there's a guy in Seattle that, a couple guys in Seattle that. Ann Arbor, Michigan. You did a comedy showcase in Ann Arbor?

No. Dude, we had a good fucking time, man. I was there with Tom Segura. Fucking great. I heard that guy's really funny, man. A lot of people say he's really funny. Segura's hilarious. I don't even know that guy, man.

Tom Segura. Follow him on Twitter. Go see that guy in concert or wherever he's touring. He comes to me some places. He's fucking hilarious. Yeah, man. He's really, really good. He's really funny, man.

He's a great guy, too. Apparently, everybody says he's phenomenal hilarious yeah man he's really really good he's really funny man he's a great guy apparently everybody says he's phenomenal he's phenomenal and uh i gotta piss so i think this is a perfect time to end this podcast great shazam suckers thanks guys uh thank you very much for uh tuning in thank you fleshlight for sponsoring it if you go to joe rogan.net you can get 15 off the fleshlight um there's a code name, Rogan. You have to type it in. The New Year's Eve show, we still don't have a ticket link. As soon as I have it, it will go up. Thank you very much for all the interest. I keep getting Twitter messages about it.

So it'll be me and Joey Diaz at the Mandalay Bay Theater. It's going to be the shit. It's like 1,700 people. It's going to be a lot of fun. That's going to be such a great time, man. If you want no drama in Vegas, in Vegas and fucking New Year's is nothing but fucking drama. You won't be able to leave your fucking hotel after a certain time. They'll cut the strip down, and it's a forever fucking walk.

The smartest thing to do is have tickets. Only people with tickets will be allowed through the fucking barricades to get into the masses. Get your tickets early. Buy them. Go see a great show. I highly recommend. Joey Coco Diaz is possibly the funniest person I've ever been around. to get into the masses. Get your tickets early. Buy them. Go see a great show. I highly recommend.

Joey Coco Diaz is possibly the funniest person I've ever been around in my life. He makes me laugh more than anybody else ever. The two of you together is just a fucking dynamic show. He's a real freak. He's a freak. There's not a whole lot of real freaks out there. There's a lot of people fronting, pretending to be freaked,

walking around with your fucking... Fuck you, heels. different colored. Oh, I got one Converse All-Star that's red and one that's black. Mine is purple.

I'm silly. I go to Hot Topic. I'm badass. Anyway, that's it. Thank you, Ralphie May. Ralphie May, we gotta get you on Twitter. You have an account,

don't you? Yes, I have a couple. Use that shit, son. I know. People are tweeting right now. Yes, Ralphie, use it. Yes, Ralphie. Okay, if I can get on it. Jesus Christ Use that shit, son. I know. People are tweeting right now. Yes, Ralphie, use it. Yes, Ralphie. Okay.

Yes. If I can get on it. Jesus Christ. Thank you, everybody. And next week, we've got Cliffy B on Wednesday, and we're going to work on getting Brian Posain. See if we can hook him up next week, too. And if not, we've got to do a Joey Diaz one, too, soon. Another one.

In the house, bitches. Thank you very much, Ralphie May, for coming on. I appreciate it, my brother. Always good to see you. Thank you, sir. Red Band. Go to Red Band at Twitter. R-E-D-B-A-N.

He needs more followers. He's very, very insecure about his Twitter account. Yes. It makes him sad. Some chick from fucking Burbank. Please date him, black girl. Yes. Sam.

Yes. That's the next level. I like you. Do you like me? Yes. Black chicks. That next level shit. Thank you, everybody.

See you next week. Love you, bitches. See ya. Dominican. Boy. black jerks that next level shit thank you everybody see you next week love you bitches see ya Dominican boy