The Joe Rogan Experience - #592 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 23, 2014

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his new book "Life of the Party" on Amazon and his podcast "Bertcast" available on Spotify.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Good googly moogly, Bert Kreischer. Hello, everybody. This is our fifth year anniversary. Happy anniversary to us. Bert Kreischer's here. So yes, we will be imbibing in libations as soon as Jamie gets us the fucking whiskey.

What are you doing, Jamie? What are you doing? Make it sure. He knows what he's doing. I know what I'm doing. Basically. Not really. Bert Kreischer.

I'm fine. How are you, my friend? I'm so glad we're doing this today. I haven't slept in like three days. Excellent timing. I'm on malaria pills. Oh, are you? I'm fucking glad we're doing this today. I haven't slept in like three days. Excellent timing. I'm on malaria pills. Oh, are you? Fucking with my head, man. Dude, Dave Foley

was on malaria pills and I had to keep him from attacking a reporter. Oh, that's where I fucking heard about it. Because I heard about malaria pills before I started taking them. And I was like, these are bad news, right? Yeah. Some people have adverse reactions. Have you drank alcohol while you've been on them?

Oh yeah Well you're not supposed to do that I don't think How am I supposed to go to sleep with the hallucinations? I think that was the issue with Dave I don't think you're supposed to drink When you're on that stuff That would explain a lot Yeah I think it has some pretty negative impacts

What's the name of the malaria medicine? We'll google it I don't want to say it's larium I don't's the name of the malaria medicine? We'll Google it. Google Med. I want to say it's Larium or... I don't know. I don't know the name. Malaria medicine. Malaria. The, uh...

Yeah, it's fucking... The dreams are insane. I mean, I'm already a really active dreamer, but dreaming on malaria medication... That's one of the first Googles. Malaria medicine and alcohol. Oh, fuck. Malaria drugs and avoidance of alcohol.

Yeah. Well, that just shows you what a fucking friendly drunk I am. Yeah. Even on malaria pills, I didn't get in any trouble. Yeah, this is funny.

People are complaining. Like, I was just reading that anyone taking drugs for protection against malaria should not drink alcohol. What a vacation would it be if I can't drink? The guy's like, I'm in the fucking sudan

how am i going to sleep at night what are the vacation that would be if i can't drink that's exactly what i felt i can't have any of your doctors told you this i don't think i will take it would rather have a little fun and take the risk than be miserable this motherfucker is more interested in getting drunk than he is catching malaria which has ready for it killed half the people that have ever died ever in the history of the human race are you kidding the people who have ever died ever have died from malaria that's where is that on that I heard it on the internet. No, no.

I heard it from the Radiolab podcast. Yeah. There was a woman on it who was talking about malarias and mosquitoes. Radiolab does their work. No, they don't. They talked about quicksand porn, and I cannot find one. Really? Yeah, they talked about quicksand porn.

The guys that are in it, they're called sinkers. And I was like, fuck, I've seen it all. I saw it, and I was like, I'm going to find quicksand porn and i cannot find one really yeah they talked about quicksand porn the guys that are in it they're called sinkers and i was like fuck i've seen it all i thought and i was like i'm gonna find quicksand porn i can't find it anywhere you're not looking hard enough somebody out there's got your number porn that you're fucking in quicksand uh is i think i'm not certain how it works because i can't find it this is true listen to this one out of every two people who have ever died have died of malaria. This is from National Geographic. Holy shit. Well, here's the question, though. What's the percentage of people that die that get malaria?

Listen to this. About 3.2 billion people, almost half the world's population, are at risk of malaria. Oh, it's anywhere. It's all over the fucking place. I'm getting back on the medication in two weeks this is insane this is a this is one of those really weird things that kills a shitload of people and we're kind of immune to it we don't get it much over here so so we don't give a fuck about malaria. Everyone is so terrified about Ebola,

because it came over here. Oh my god, they brought their dirty disease to America. Oh my god. But nobody talks about fucking malaria. Malaria is terrifying. Bert. Quick sand porn. Bert, quick sand porn.

Oh, shut up. He found it. Will you pass me that link? Wow, this is crazy, man. Yeah, you want another scary one? It's rabies. Once you get rabies, you're dead. Listen to these numbers.

You ready for this shit? 2013, there were 198 million malaria cases with an uncertainty range of 124 million to 283 million. So that means that when they say 198, it may be as low as 124. It might be as high as 283. So, like, this is the kind of infrastructure you're dealing with. I mean, you're dealing with insanely impoverished areas, right? Okay, it says an estimated 584,000 malaria deaths with an uncertainty range of between 367 and 755. So it might be as low as 300 because they're uncertain about the numbers of whether 500

million or 584 million is accurate. So it could be as low as 367,000 or as high as 755,000. So as many as 755,000. Let's go with the lowest number, 367,000. That's the low number of their uncertainty range. Imagine that many people dying of a fucking disease in a year. 367,000. That's amazing. That's like 13 football stadiums Sunday packed game.

Only you would think that way. How many is it? Is it 100,000 that gets into those huge football games? Some of the big ones. Florida State was, I think, like 35,000. 35,000. A football stadium full of people. I think they get bigger.

What's the biggest one? What's the Dallas Stadium? Death Valley. It's probably like 60 or something, right? I want to say Death Valley is really fucking big. I know Ohio State's like 100,000. There's got to be some that are like 100,000, right? 105 Ohio State.

What? How much? 105. 105 Ohio State. Damn, Burt. I am fucking so proud when I pull out a stat like that. You should be. You should be honored.

But that's a big fucking number of people. 300 plus thousand people dead of a disease. And nobody even talks about it. Because we don't get it here. Yeah. It was in Calabasas. Can you imagine if fucking malaria made its way to Bel Air? How much people would be freaking out?

White people would be losing their shit. Everyone would be on the medication. What's amazing is you're right, Pete, the callousness. I mean, we'd go to the farmstay where we're talking about, and I had people on my crew just hop off the malaria medicine. They're like, I can't deal with it. And I was like, my director, Paul, was like, you know, because if you skip a day, you're fucked.

You've got to take it every day, two days before you're in the area, while you're in the area, and then seven days after the area. Dude, fuck all that. Fuck all that. I'm in Valley Village still taking malaria pills. God damn it, malaria. It sounds like something you'd order with breakfast. Malaria?

Would it be a drink or would it be like a jam? It's something from the south. Oh, I'll get some malaria on the side. Can I get some malaria with my grits? It does, you're right. Oh, I'll get some malaria on the side. Can I get some malaria with my grits? It does. You're right. Malaria. What a fucked up disease, man.

That is a crazy statistic that one out of two people that have ever died ever died of malaria. You want to know the real shit one? It's dengue fever. How could it be shittier than that? Because you get it. And they get half covered. They get half the deaths covered. How's it going to be worse? No, no, no. I think the disease,ier than that because you get it half covered they got half the deaths covered how's it gonna be worse no no no i think the disease getting the disease you get it you're like sick as fuck for like three weeks then it goes away for a month and it comes back 10 times

worse like and so you know that shit's around the corner no way you feel better and you're like fuck it's just gonna get bad what so it gets good and then it gets bad and with everyone uh yeah well i don't know why i shouldn't say things but but yeah my cameraman got it and he and he got in africa and then and i got i got the dengue fever shot i got japanese encephalitis hep a hep b Hep A, Hep B. I got all of them. We had a guy that does our podcast, Justin Wren. And he was supposed to be here. He does a lot of work in Africa. And he was in Africa doing this stuff with pygmies. He sets up wells for them.

Wrestling matches? No. He used to fight in the UFC, went to the Congo, fell in love with these pygmies. They're the nicest people. He feels dedicated to helping them. So he has this foundation called Fight for the Forgotten. Puts all this money towards building wells. We even donated some money.

We had Bitcoin people. They donated money money and we we had uh bitcoin people they donated money to my bitcoin and i matched whatever they donated and we sent him some money to help him with wells and shit anyway point being he was supposed to be on last week but he was sick and i was like no you could stay home for a little bit dude he's like well i've been home for two weeks so whatever it can't be ebola i'm like just the fact that you had to tell me that you stay the fuck home for a little bit fella it was i'll tell you what last night we were at the hospital with isla until like six in the morning i was telling these guys and uh they tested her for the flu and she they're like she's got the flu the second they came back with that they shut

the doors they put signs on the door and anyone that entered or exit wore a mask and i was like man the dehumanization of that moment and then when she went to leave they put a mask on her and she looked at me and she was like i was going like really out of it but like why are they doing this to me almost like have i been infected am i am i getting separated from the pack that feeling and i looked at her i was like it's paparazzi baby and she would laugh and then my wife took her and i stayed and got an uber well you know the that that's cool man the um the number of people that die from the flu is pretty staggering fuck if you ever look at that the number of people that die from the flu i was i was really shocked i was like wow you know we don't think about it because it's something that everybody gets you know it's like once

every couple years you can get the flu i get the flu like every other year yeah it seems like i don't think i get it no no because i get a flu shot yeah i do i do get flu shots but um i also get like i don't i don't know really what the flu is technically like is it a chest cold is it throwing up it's where you're sweating like just buckets of sweat and you're just fevers chills fevers chills no i've gotten the flu i've gotten the flu i've definitely gotten the flu once. Take a guess as to how many people you think die. All right, we're talking about 370 million. I think it's 350.

350,000 for... 350 million. Oh, yeah. The low number for malaria is 337. 337, I think. I'm going to say 125. 125,000. In America?

Oh, shit, no. Just in America. 50,000. 50,000 000 what do you think brian 150 000 36 36 000 oh just 36 pussies meanwhile that's like 31 more than have died from ebola i mean how many fucking people have died from ebola from america a few people that got it over there came back but i i'm pretty sure they've all been treated right i think one died one died yeah i think i don't think so no no let's find out that how many people died i don't think anybody died how many people died from ebola in america by the way if this is a a statistic on skydiving i could jump right in with the actual odds. I'd Google that every time before I go skydiving.

The skydiving thing is scary. I think it's 43 this year. It was 48 two years ago. My dad's friend died, so that alone is just too close. I know somebody who knows somebody that died. Nope. Holy shit.

How did he die? Malaria? Malaria. He got malaria sky he die? Malaria? Malaria. He hit the ground. He got malaria skydiving? It was a woman, and I guess her shoots got tangled up. There was one death in the USA last year. Four people got it, and one person died. From the flu?

From Ebola. Oh. So I'm assuming that means that they were there when they got it but that might not be the case they might have been dealing with somebody who had it when they came back i'm assuming they had to be there come home with it and i think i i think it was the first patient i think it was patient zero because the next one was the doctor in atlanta if i'm not mistaken and i only say that because uh i remember hearing the news say something about if you contract it early, like all the nurses that caught it in Texas, they got it and they were on top of it.

They were like, oh, shit, I'm not feeling good. I got Ebola. Right. They jumped on it and got treatment. What is the treatment? I mean, they must give you a lot of liquids and keep you. is the treatment you know i mean were they just they must give you a lot of liquids and keep you i'd imagine it's keeping the keeping i'm sure what is the killer is the fever because you know that was the that's the big fear is if fever gets over 104 we're talking brain damage and

yeah and start cooking yeah yeah and so i'd imagine that's what it is and you can't lower the fever which is amazing that people can live in phoenix you know or vegas pretty fucking fascinating yeah vegas is fucking insane in the summer like you're walking around the summer it's 120 degrees out like what the fuck is this what is 120 who stopped here why did you guys stop here you stopped here you gotta pump all your water from colorado you got this crazy fucking system where you have uh this this goddammit monolith in the in the middle of the desert that has neon that's lit 24 hours a day you have extreme energy demands yeah you've motherfuckers built like this is a crazy spot to build you know the the only reason why it was built there at all is because

it was built by mobsters it was gambling right yeah yeah but the idea was like hey we'll just make i mean think about how crazy they were when they made Vegas. We're going to make a wild fucking place with very few laws. Just make it so it's four hours drive to get out there from LA. Like, you're not really going to drive. Especially back those days, those old rickety ass cars. Can you imagine what a fucking commitment it was to go to Vegas in 1950 in a 55 Bel Air? On the roads.

The roads back then. Dog shit. Imagine how shitty the fucking roads. I guarantee you part of that was still dirt. Dog shit roads. Dog shit cars. No radio. Nope.

If they had a radio. Air conditioning is suspect. What radio stations make it all the way the fuck out the middle of the desert? They probably had weak assass signals back then. They probably only worked for a few miles. One phone. Yeah, if you got lucky, you went to a place that had a dial phone. Oh, you better pack your fucking water,

because there's at least a two-hour stretch that there is no one. Not only that, you're most likely going to need extra water for your fucking car anyway, because that bitch is going to overheat, because the radiator sucked in those old pieces of shit everybody knew how to fix one though that was the difference like if you pulled into a gas station back then and you know you had a 1955 chevy they would go oh look here your uh your spark plug's bad the alternator's not working you got this is uh i could see right here your your brake fluid's low now you open up like a 2015 cadillac you open up the hood you're like what am i looking at i have no idea what any of this is this is all just a big computer grid what's that black box in the corner what the fuck is all this what's the thing that says nsa that's on the hood what is this

black thing is this following me i tried to change my daughter's back tire, the one attached to the chain yesterday, and I was like sitting there going, how the fuck did I do this? I was like, I know that this should be something that's in my skill set, but it's just not here anymore. I remember how to put one back on.

Remember when your chain would pop off and you used to have to get your fingers up in there and figure out how to put that fucker back on? Kids today, they don't have to worry about this shit. Krie brown ripped the tip of his finger off that way who carrie brown kid in your neighborhood no kid i play baseball with oh one of the only black dudes at our school but the tip of his finger was gone ouchie wow and he was from putting the chain back on and he did that thing and finger got caught sliced on when you're around a bunch of hard men like lumberjack type characters you're always going to find missing fingers.

There's always a dude who's missing a digit or a piece or something. Something got chopped off in a wood saw or something got stuck under a rock and he ended up fucking breaking it off. Dude, do you know how sad that would make me if I lost my finger? Because you just think, that's me forever now. I no longer have that little piece of me. It's way better than losing a lot of shit. I'll take a finger all day. I lost all my teeth.

All of them? Yeah. Every single one of them. All of them except for eight that are in my mouth. Off air, I'll show you my eight that are still in my mouth, and you'll be like, what happened? Fuck. Well, I had bad teeth to begin with. Like I had hereditary.

My mom. Mom's on meth. My mom was on meth and smoking and drugs. No, but I had bad teeth to begin with. And then on my 11th birthday, I got hit in the mouth with a baseball bat. Oh, Jesus Christ. With bad teeth. And it broke all the ones in the front and chipped all the ones in the back.

Were you just in the wrong place at the wrong time when the kid was swinging? No. I was catcher of pass ball. I stopped it, throw my mask off, throw the guy out at third, and the guy, the batter trying to break the play up, thought he'd hit me with the bat. We were fucking 11. I don't know where the competition in this kid's house was. Oh, my God.

So he hit you in the head with a bat to stop the fucking play? I guess. What a little psycho. It was my birthday, too. And you want to know something fucking crazy? My dad kept me in the game until the inning was over. Oh, my God. He moved me over to shortstop because we were short players,

and he couldn't sub someone out in the fourth inning. Was your dad the coach? My dad was the fucking coach. And I went into the locker, into the dugout, and my dad was like, buddy, I need you at shortstop. And I was like, and that's not my dad. I mean, I guess it is my dad, but it's not my dad. How many teeth are you missing?

20, I don't know, 26 or something. They all fell out. 26 teeth fell out right there. No, 26 were damaged. How many fell out right there after you got hit in the face with a bat? You were fucked up. Well, definitely all the ones up front and all the ones down. You knew they were gone?

Shattered? They were on home plate. And your dad made you still fucking... Yeah. I saw... Yeah, if you bring it up to my dad, he's like, well, I mean, we're going to lose the game. You know? Whoa. Yeah.

That's a good way to fuck up a kid. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. Or turn him into a comedian. Yeah, well, that's how you fuck up a person. Yeah. You can't be normal and become a comedian. So all my teeth are veneers or bonded or crowns or posts and crowns.

Wow. Yeah. That's harsh, dude. That's why I look at guys in the UFC who fight and no one ever loses teeth. I'm always shocked at that. So my teeth are super vulnerable. Like if I got hit in the mouth with a piece of plastic fruit in high school, and it shattered a tooth. Wow.

My friends are fake also. Really? Yeah, I was in a car accident as a kid. Really? Getting hit in the mouth with a bat, and then your dad throws you into the fucking game. He just keeps me in the game. Now, throws you back in the game, sorry. That kid that hit you in the face with a bat, did you stay friends with him?

I didn't know the dude. I never, I don't even know who he is. So he was from another team. Yeah, it was the other team. Wow. Did he say sorry? No, I didn't. Well, I don't, maybe.

I'm sure his mom made him say something, but I wasn't in a place to hear it. Wow. On my birthday, and we had to go to the hot dentist, like, for the emergency, like. Did you ever see that kid again after that? I have no idea who he was. I don't even know the kid. Wow. That's probably better that way You don't have like this one person in your mind

That you have to seek out and destroy And you're You know you're Facebooking him Seeing that he's happy Like you Fuck I have fake teeth And you just want to get back at him For some shit that happened when you were 11

People are like that man Yeah People fucking fester on things Where it would be way better if you didn't know You know in that case you're not gonna go back and fuck this 11 year old up who's now 43 yeah i don't even have attachment to the i don't have attachment to the incident in a weird way i'm kind of emotionally detached right i think i've said it so much yeah i got 2016 knocked out with a baseball bat

and then everyone goes how did that happen and you just almost like that event becomes a bit a little bit a life bit like you something like i'm sure when you tell people about being And then everyone goes, how did that happen? And you just almost like that event becomes. A bit. A little bit. A life bit. Like you something. Like I'm sure when you tell people about being the world judo champ. I was never a world judo champ. You're making shit up.

You need alcohol. What were you? You were like the. I won a bunch of Taekwondo tournaments. Yeah. But like I'm sure that somehow you definitely kind of.... You hear how flippantly you just said that? Yeah. It was so long ago, man, it doesn't feel like me.

When I talk about it, quite honestly, it's so long ago, it feels like a lie. Yeah. I know it's real because I can do that stuff still. And I'll show people and I'll go, holy shit. I'll go, yeah, it's kind of weird, right? I can just do that? So I know it was real, but it feels go, yeah, it's kind of weird, right? I could just do that. So I know it was real, but it feels so long ago.

It feels like a lie. Yeah. Salute, my brother. You want some of this, Brian? Mm-mm. No? Cheers. Good call.

This is going downhill. Or uphill. Want to hear something crazy, man? Yeah. Did you hear about the Mall of America? You hear what happened? There was a Black Lives Matter protest. They shut down the of america during the busiest time of the year you know thousands of people chanting and protesting well um they're getting sued the people who organize the protest are getting sued and they seek reparations from the mall

of america protest the mall is suing them for lost business, which is significant. This is very interesting, man. It's like these guys that are protesting by going in the middle of the freeway here in Los Angeles. That pisses me off. Yeah, we talked about it the other day because I think that you can't, you got to be real,

oh, you weren't here, the Anna Kasparian one. You got to be careful because you could, somebody could die. Like, there could be someone who's on their way to the hospital, and you block off the ambulance, and because the hospital gets them there an hour later than they should have, the guy dies. And that could be someone's loved ones. That's fucked up. That's just, that's not cool. And people are like, well, you know, it's a protest, and protests are not supposed to be convenient.

There's one thing where it's convenient, there's you know, it's a protest and protests are not supposed to be convenient. There's one thing where it's convenient. There's another thing where it's public safety. You know, you could, everyone who's involved in that essentially could be charged with murder. Like if you in some way cause someone's death because of negligence or because of malicious activity where they could decide malicious activity, I bet there could be an argument made.

I mean, if you, if it was one person physically, if you knew that there was an ambulance and you blocked it off because you say, no, the ambulance can't get through because black lives matter or whatever your cause is. If you stop that ambulance from going somewhere, you personally, they would charge you for sure with something, whether it would be murder or some negligent homicide or something. I mean, they would figure out, I don't know what the cause would be murder or some negligent homicide or something i mean they would figure out i don't know what the cause would be so the question becomes when you have a whole group of people that are blocking off the highway how many of those people are responsible because

there's this weird thing that happens diffusion of responsibility when you get large numbers it's one of the reasons why mob mentalities are so scary because no one feels responsible when everything's going crazy and people just run around smashing windows and like you got to be really careful about people when that kind of shit happens because when no one feels like there's any order and everyone feels like this chaos people just start doing shit they start looting i mean that's where you get like these crazy mass rapes where everybody's like how is this possible like you hear about them in india where 100 guys rape a woman and the woman dies like how the fuck could this happen well i think that

people have a weird follow mentality some weird ancient primate shit that's in us where we follow other people even when things get crazy and when things get completely off the rails fucking crazy like a riot i think it's almost like for whatever reason people a certain amount of them at least lose themselves in those moments and they can they could stomp people to death too they could like things on fire too where they would never do that individually on their own and i think um you have to wonder when you have a situation where a whole group of people do it, but that's not their, I mean, they block off traffic, but their intention is not to stop ambulances or to stop police.

Their intention is just for good. Their intention is to try to put the message out there in as big of letters as possible. Just to let everybody know, we're going to inconvenience the fuck out of you. No more highways. Until there's some action action until someone does something the problem is we need those goddamn roads yeah that's something that you can't take that away that that i mean you're right i never thought about what if someone's just on their way to the hospital that's the first thing i thought of because i had to take my daughter to hospital recently she broke her arm fell off the monkey

bars and broke her arm so when when that kind of shit happens and you realize like time is of the essence and you know my daughter's case it's a broken arm they know how to fix that stuff but in some people's cases it's like you know you have organ malfunction there's all sorts of things that happen to people's bodies that they can catch they can catch in time you can stay alive but you imagine how upset you'd be if you never got to talk to your dad again because some fucking hipsters are blocking off the highway. You know? Because they wanted to show how down they were, so they're blocking off the highway.

That's when I become a single shooter Mark Wahlberg movie. I know that what they're trying to do is good. I know what they're trying to do is good. But there's a reality to protesting where you got to go, okay, but at what cost? At the cost of your fellow citizens? Like these aren't cops you're talking about that you're inconveniencing or possibly putting their lives in danger.

This is your neighbors. This is your friends. Imagine if it was your next-door neighbor. Imagine if you were a protester and your next-door neighbor's husband had a heart attack and they're trying to get him to the hospital, but they couldn't get him to in time. They were like, if you just got him here

a half an hour earlier, we would have been fine. It was 90 minutes it took to get him to the hospital. So the guy died and she's crying and crying and you're out there trying to say, They were like, if you just got him here half an hour earlier, we would have been fine. It was 90 minutes it took to get him to the hospital. So the guy died. And she's crying and crying. And you're out there trying to say, hey, you know, Black Lives Matter. It's important that we make it inconvenient. And she's like, you fuck.

My husband's dead now. Everybody's lives matter. It's just that's the only, you know, other than inconveniencing all the other fellow citizens, which don't have anything to do with police brutality. It's like it seems like there should be a there should be a way to do it where it doesn't put other people in jeopardy. I don't know what that way is. You know, I would imagine that way is blocking off the front door to the police station or blocking off even better the front door to town hall. That would be the best one. Like if they were going to protest something

and be heard and be you know be seen as they're getting arrested like some block off where the laws are being made don't block off the fucking highways be smart about it find your angle but i don't know man it's it's part of me likes that this is going on though you know part of me is excited that there's all this talk all People are realizing there's some imbalance, there's some issues, and they're being addressed in a really big way. So I feel like ultimately a lot of good is coming out of all this stuff, a lot of good. A lot of people are being forced to have these conversations. And I've seen people adjust their opinions during these conversations. It's kind of interesting.

people adjust their opinions during these conversations. It's kind of interesting. I think I've just adjusted my opinions throughout the entire thing. Because the only thing that I guess arguably Fox News and CNN don't do is they don't offer a real fair and balanced kind of conversation with two intelligent people. They buttload it. They did this thing with Charles Barkley. conversation with two intelligent people they they buttload it where they get like they get on they get they did this thing with charles barkley being in tv as long as i have there's certain things i know don't fucking happen and they bring charles barkley the one guy that maybe can give

a really interesting point of view and he starts sweating in the interview did you see it no anywhere else in an interview on tv they would stop down and say you look a little shiny let's dry you off anywhere Anywhere else. But they allowed it to go in this Nixon-Kennedy debate kind of way. And he had sweat on top of his lip. It was pouring off the side of his head. As he was talking about something that is maybe not the high road. Not the high road, but what the status quo is.

But CNN, or I think it was CNN, wanted the drama of it. They wanted his statements to have weight with this sweaty persona of like, I'm fucking scared. And in any interview, I'm not sure this has happened to you, they will stop you down and go, stop, no matter what, he's a little shiny, let's dry him off. Like if you started sweating in like an interview about the UFC and you were just talking. Right.

They'd definitely stop you down and go, let's give them a little powder. I don't let them do that. Really? But if you started sweating, what, you think they'd let you dry off? In the UFC, dude, people are getting kicked in the head.

I'd feel like such a pussy if I let them powder my forehead. Maybe that's a bad fucking example. Girls are getting their ears broken off. Oh, I saw that gif. See that? This girl, her ear was destroyed. Jessica Ai, and I forget the lady's name.

I'll find it here. Oh, it exploded. It was insane. Did you see it, Brian? No. Dude, it was the fucking craziest shit I've ever seen in all my years of watching. Well, one of the crazy, Leslie Smith. She fought Leslie Smith, who's tough as shit

and she her ears swole up and she had uh you know cauliflower ear and what cauliflower ear is the reason why your ear gets hard is your when you have bleeding under the skin the blood pools under the skin and then it calcifies it hardens up it becomes like a little piece of hard like i have some on my knuckle and i have a little bit on my ear it's real weird i wear ear guards i don't get it on my ear but some people like the way it looks so they don't wear ear guards they let it it fucks with your hearing too i mean it makes you look like a badass i guess but it it fucks with the way you hear things like your ears designed so that sound hits that that shape and like that's why women can't hear shit, dude. Their ears are covered with hair.

They don't know what's going on. They don't hear you when you're talking to them. That's what's happening. They can't hear. I don't mean this. These are jokes. But this woman, anyway, Leslie Smith, she had some serious coliform in her ear and must have had some actual bleeding in the ear while the fight was going on,

and then she got hit with this punch, and it fucking exploded like a jelly donut that got hit with a rifle. I thought it ripped her ear off. Almost. It looked like it ripped her ear off. No, it almost did. But it exploded first. And you can see it.

Pull it up. Pull up Leslie Smith exploding ear GIF. Because it's crazy to see. I've never seen anything like it. She got, Jessica hit her with this punch, and as her knuckle connects with the ear, the ear just explodes in a cartoonish spray of blood. Like, if it was in, like, what are those, Sin City? Those movies?

You know, everything's very cartoonish. It looked exactly like that. It didn't look real. Like, if it was in a movie. Yeah. If it was in a movie, I'd go, get the fuck out of here. I've never seen an ear blow up like that. Watch this, man.

It's so crazy. Watch this. Oh, my God. Bam. It's low resolution, unfortunately. You got to see it, not on these goofy screens. We have a new system that's in order right now. And the new system will be

a TriCaster. We're going to use a TriCaster. You can't really see it here. Can you see it? I can see it. It's hard to see with this low resolution, but in high resolution, it looks fucking insane. It's interesting that wrestlers and fighters, they want the cauliflower ear. Not all of them, but they want the cauliflower

ear. I think I talked to Matt Brown about it. I think Matt Brown has got it, and I i said isn't that something you guys wanted when you're younger and he was like fuck no but i guess some guys do some guys do well i know people who have actually given it to themselves they've taken a belt and they fuck their ear up if you bend your ear and you just take a belt and and and fuck with it yeah people like the way it looks makes you look like a badass i've met guys who are fucking white belts who have this horrible cauliflower all over their ears.

And you're like, come on, man. I've been doing jujitsu for 20 years. I don't have that shit. How do you have that shit so early? Like, how'd you get it so early? And, you know, you find out that they did a lot of wrestling or they did a lot of, you know,

horsing around with their friends. And if you have the genetic predisposition to getting cauliflower, apparently, it happens super easy some people even though they've been doing jiu-jitsu for a long time like John jock Machado has so little of it but he's been doing jiu-jitsu his whole life and he doesn't wear rash cards isn't there a way to in their way to prevent it by draining it or something yeah you could drain it my yeah my friend Brent had it's his fixed he had he had his ear filleted open and they

scrape it all out and then stitch it back together again he had it fixed and it looks weird his ear looks like a little cauliflowery but not much but apparently it was pretty bad it was like like some of the wrestlers like Randy Couture has like mice grown in his ear yeah Yeah, Randy's is so bad that I got to look at it, and it was like a pinhole, his ear hole. Yeah, it's really tiny. He can't even get those Apple earbuds in. It's fucked. Not kidding, he can't.

Why wouldn't he fix it? Because he's a badass. He's fucking Randy Couture. He wants to let everybody know, bitch, I've been getting into headlocks since I was a baby. Sometimes I want to fall asleep on planes also. Well, they're hard. He uses them in wrestling.

The ears? Yeah. He holds on to you. If he's got you and he's driving forward towards your face, he'll shove that fucking ear in your eyeball. It's hard. It's like he's got a rock. It doesn't hurt him.

If it hurts him, he doesn't care. If it hurts you, that's what he's worried about. If it hurts him slightly less and it hurts you slightly more, he's going to do it. That's what it's like. I can't get that at all. You can't. I can't. I mean, I'm around it all the time, but I don't get it.

I'm looking for the exact opposite. Exactly. If it hurts you less than it hurts, I don't want – I'm fucking – I could never be that guy. That is the thing about wrestlers that a lot of people don't understand it's not just the fact that wrestling is a good base for martial arts for mixed martial arts i think it's the best because you could decide whether the fight goes to the ground or the fight stands up and when you're really good grappler like jiu-jitsu techniques you can learn all those you can learn all those pretty quickly it's like the the real deal is learning how to

manipulate bodies and balance and understanding positioning understanding like leverage and positioning and wrestlers get that but the real intense thing about wrestlers what separates them from other athletes is the toughness like that you have to be so fucking tough to survive in a wrestling room there's the the drills are. The sport itself, like going at it like full clip with another guy who's also the same weight as you, also just as strong as you. It's one of the most difficult things in all of sports that you could do. Two physically strong wrestlers with technique who are just fucking hammering it, trying to take each other down, sprawling, trying to twist under each other, trying to throw each other,

and you're just constantly pushing each other to the limit. And if you can just get one mile an hour faster than this motherfucker, you could break him. Just make him go one mile an hour faster

than he's comfortable with and keep pushing and pushing and pushing. So all the best wrestlers have this insane mental toughness. Is that innate or trained? Trained, 100%. All of it is trained.

And people have a certain amount of determination. But one of the things you see when you see children is how children react to their environment and stimulation. And when it's something as extreme and unusual as the ability to endure pain and the ability to push themselves, and it's prevalent all throughout this one group of athletes, you've got to go, well, it's the practice.

It's what they're doing. What are they doing? They're making men out of these fucking guys. They're turning them into animals. They're turning them into people of extreme character. They can do things. It doesn't mean other people can't do it. There's guys that never wrestled who became mixed martial arts greats

that also have that same mentality. George St. Pierre is a perfect example. Became a great wrestler after he was already a UFC fighter. Became one of the best wrestlers in MMA just by being a great martial artist. But he had that mentality on his own. He didn't have to go to a wrestling room his whole life to develop that. He developed that from martial arts itself. But you get a lot more of those in wrestling.

In wrestling, you get a lot of them. You get one in every town. Every fucking wrestling team, in my high school, there was this kid, Mark Collin, and he was a little bit lighter than me. He was a really skinny guy. He used to smoke cigarettes in between breaks while we were wrestling. We were wrestling in the winter. His girlfriend would meet him at the fucking side door of the wrestling room and give him

a cigarette. He would drag a cigarette and come in and wrestle and beat everybody's ass. And he smelled like cigarettes. He was an animal. He was an animal. And he was a couple years older than me, and he had been wrestling a good chunk of his life. And I'll never forget this.

One day the coach, as this guy was just smashing everybody, the coach said, pay attention to him because there's a guy like him in every fucking wrestling room. There's a guy like him on every wrestling team. And he wasn't the biggest guy, but he stretched the imagination. But everybody was scared of him. Everybody was scared of him. Even the heavier wrestlers. Like, he was like the captain of the team.

And he'd get mad at them for being a pussy. You know, yell at them. They'd just fucking bow their head down. They just didn't want to have nothing to do with this little fucking tasmanian devil he was just a whirlwind guy just so aggressive and those guys there's like and he got beat he went to the fucking the states and he got beat i watched him lose to guys who were even better than him i was like this is crazy this sport like you're going deep deep deep into the savage chain you're getting these fucking barbarians that are like their DNA is so fucking

good. Like their genetics are so good. And then on top of that, they're being trained in this really insane way where they're overtraining them every day. Every day they're tired. Every day you're making exhausted kids run up hills and carry other kids on their back and run fireman carry drills and you're doing fucking stairs with them. You're carrying your friends or you're climbing up stairs, doing all kinds of crazy shit You're walking on your hands back and forth across the fucking wrestling room You're doing all these insane drills and you're going at it for hours a day in a room that most likely has asbestos in it There's fucking pipes. They're covered in this

I mean This is the 1981 when I was wrestling in 1982 and these pipes are all covered in this fucking spray Fierce foamy shit that's dropping onto the wrestling room you gotta kick it off to the side like is this stuff safe

like we all gonna have cancer when we're old but um first blowjob I ever got was in a a wrestling room I know did you make the dude

take off his ear guards is it your coach would the ear guards help do they help while dudes suck on your dick you got a good handle on them you're not gonna talk about what you say.

Imagine if you took your chick and you were like, put these on. I want you to put the ear guards on. Why? Because I just need them. I need them on you. Let me rip this singlet off you. Yeah, put the singlet on. Make your chick wear a singlet.

Put your titties outside the singlet. Like one titty here, one titty there. All crazy style. side of the segment like one titty here one titty there all crazy style i'm well past that that that role play what are you into like lumberjack shit no listen i'm i'm walking down the woods i'm a hiker and you're a lumberjacker and uh shit just gets crazy the only female lumberjacker in all the Yukon. All the guys left you behind, and you've just been searching for that right guy.

Today's the day. You just decided. You woke up this morning, fucking I'm tired of being a virgin. And then along comes Bert Kreischer, the world traveler, with his backpack. He's just a few minutes ahead of the trip flip team.

So he's like, I'm totally willing to fuck you, but I'm doing this TV show for the channel channel and there's a bunch of people behind me and they're on vacation and they're taking pictures.

That's why I'm ahead. I'm supposed to scout ahead, but we can fuck, but we got to fuck really quick. And this girl's first sexual experience. Do you get to that deep level of fantasy?

You know what's so fucking funny that scenario i've done not with wanting to fuck a chick but rolled up with it to a lumberjack who's a female with the trip flip crew behind me that really did happen it was hot as shit yes seattle she was hot as shit yeah it's so crazy that you even made that in my head i was like because i first thing i thought was a lumberjack hand job from a chick would be insane. Those fucking just rough hands. And then I thought. I'm sure I'd like that.

What? That'd be confusing. I definitely wouldn't close my eyes. I'd have to keep a really good eye on her. You're definitely a chick, right? Right? This would be you? No tricks.

No, I wouldn't even. Not one eye. Both eyes bro Looking right at them Very intense Trusting someone Holding on to your balls And dick like that

Their rough hands Wood chips In their fingernails And stuff The scent of pine All over their clothes When we were up in Canada We passed by these

They have these Cut breaks Where there's like these areas that they cut all the trees down it's really weird man it's like because you you go and you're driving down the road and you see like just beautiful trees and it's amazing and then you'll hit this area many football fields large just enormous area where it's all trees chopped down everything's chopped down and um some of it is piled up and then they have a few posts that they leave like out there in the middle like trees that are like cut in half and they leave out there in the middle and they do that for the birds they do that for the bird population because in order to it actually enhances the bird's ability to be a

predator but like for raptors hawks shit like that eagles they have eagles up there for those animals they uh they want they need perches in order to be able to look down and see all the different rabbits and rats and all the different shit they're going to eat so if you make this huge cut break you cut down a bunch of trees and just leave nowhere where they can sit up, they're only going to kill the things that are around the edges. They're not going to see like a lot of the shit that's out there in the middle. So they place these like posts to make it easier for these birds. It's really weird. It's very weird. It's crazy that someone figured that out. I think biologists get involved every step of the way when it comes to

where you're allowed to cut, how much you're allowed to cut, what animals are going to be affected. Do you remember when they had that owl thing? There was an owl problem. Do you remember that? And they shut down lumber. It was somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Spotted owl. Yeah, there was a spotted owl issue where they were going extinct.

And so people were freaking the fuck out because they couldn't make money while this thing was going on. Here, I'll put it down. Lumber. Lumber shut down. But that's one of the things that people are terrified of when they're making money off the environment they're terrified of well we found a frog a very rare frog that's in this one pond so you got to stop drilling oil why are you fucking crazy it's a frog we spent a billion dollars to get this fucking machinery here we need that oil and then you start greasing politicians yeah spotted owl they shut down um the the pacific northwest they shut down um timber

production really fucking fascinating story it is considering that's everyone's livelihood up there not everyone but a vast majority of some people's livelihood yeah can consider the the popular uh the the what's the guy that gets hired politician who was like green lit that must have known he was getting a shit storm coming his way i'm sure they probably get death threats like if you come out and say you don't want them to make millions and millions of dollars every week because of a fucking bird. To dudes who aren't really giving a fuck about birds. They don't give a fuck about birds.

If they gave a fuck about birds, they wouldn't be chopping down trees. They'd find a better job. They really would. If you were in that because you were super into birds, that's the wrong job. The wrong. It's totally the wrong job. It's the fucking wrong job. wrong it's totally the wrong fucking wrong job you cannot think of like what don't you like as your high school guidance counselor and he goes oh my birds you should be a lumberjack

this guy is writing this guy is writing a story a story william dietrich um saying that he was trying to talk to the seattle times about this in 1988 and uh they thought he was crazy they were laughing at him they were like this is this like this is a ridiculous notion you're telling us that a bird an obscure bird apparently it's not a very common bird that no one none of these people had ever seen would be enough to shut down the Pacific Northwest's biggest industry. And that's really what happened. It's really interesting how that works, man. Really interesting how that works.

Because I think there's a lot of people that get really upset about logging in the first place. Let's do this. Let's take that same subject and do what you did with Black Lives Matter, with the protests. Because arguably, for this one bird, says dad's going to lose his job. And he's not going to have the means to support his family the way he had. And may lose his house over a bird. Is that worth it? Well, I don't think we should wantonly cause the extinction of an animal.

Totally. When an animal is a part of the ecosystem. Do I think that ecosystem will survive? Yes. You know why? Because I think that ecosystems are way more flexible than we want to think they are. I think they do adjust and survive. But if we can prevent this animal from dying, then we should definitely prevent this animal from going extinct.

I mean, it just seems like if we're gonna be you know humans like to be thought of as the caretakers of the earth or the curators of the earth let's start that with americans not humans yeah americans we always you know when you look at our concern with global pandemics and global warming climate change all the different issues that people are very concerned about our role in protecting the earth but if we're doing that and we have some crazy fucking bird that's dying off because we like to chop down trees like it seems like they should figure out a way to save that bird it seems like this should be a way to get that bird and put them in an awesome bird place just let them fuck like crazy go look dude we got all the

fucking mice you ever want we're gonna like let mice out every day you fuck like crazy you make a bunch of other owls and uh we'll get your populations healthy and we'll let you go it seems like that would be like a good move right why not charge those lumber industries instead of shutting down everything say keep because're going to go extinct, I think. They were worried that these things were going to go extinct. Oh, so it's not just about money. It's about this actual area is the only place there's birds still around. Yeah, it's like a really...

That makes sense to me. Yeah, it's a really, really obscure bird, apparently. They're not in a lot of places. But there's a lot of that area up there that's protected. We went up there, Duncan and I did, to look for Bigfoot when we did that sci-fi show. I saw that. Stupid. It was so silly.

But what wasn't silly is how beautiful that area is. When you're up in Mount Rainier, dude, it's crazy. First of all, it rains every day. So the woods are just like, the way I described it was like a box of Q-tips. That's how many trees there are. They're just trees upon trees upon trees and everything is so green and it always looks kind of cool but it's always raining but then every now and then for like an hour or so the sun will break through the clouds when we were there we were there in like

may and it was uh still pretty much march march one of those one m month we're there during an m month and um one time during the day the sun broke free for like a couple hours, and I was like, this is the most beautiful place on earth. This is the most, like, sun was like, beams of sun were cutting through the trees, and everything was soaked in dew, and we were standing next to a river, which had like empty beer cans and shotgun shells all over the fucking shore. People are cunts. The owls.

But other than that, the view is magnificent. You're looking at such lush, lush greenery. There's something about that, man, that it does something to your brain. It puts you on a frequency. Click, calm down, bitch. It just does something. Click, it locks into,

there's something about your visual field. You take in this insane, beautiful, natural imagery of nature, and it has an effect on the mind. And you sit there, and you're like, whoa. That is. I've been obsessed with this theory. I went to this place called Ernst Labern in New Zealand. Oh, yeah. It's a glacier. They shot it in The Hobbit.

It's the waterfall that Frodo walks behind. And we went into the waterfall, swam in the waterfall. It's a drip off from the glacier. So it was 32 degrees eight seconds ago. Wow. And I got there and I was obsessed. And, you know, we talked about this on the phone like a month ago about when you're in comedy brain, you're almost like less happy because you ago about when you're in comedy brain you're

almost like less happy because you can't you're obsessing about like you're when you're writing you're just kind of your brain's fucking on it won't shut down right i was obsessed with the fact that like visually when i was a kid and i saw a vagina for the first time at mikey dairy's house i got turned on and i couldn't stop that feeling i got i got sexually turned on and I couldn't stop that feeling. I got sexually turned on and I couldn't shut that down and I couldn't get my brain to shut off. But that look at this place, Ernst Law Burnt, I kept looking at it going, it's as inspiring as the first vagina I ever saw. But why is it that this has this reaction on me where I tear up and I go, this is beautiful. As opposed to getting turned on sexually do you know do you know what i mean right yeah it's visual it's the exact same medium

yeah however exactly what you're talking about it brings the opposite almost like the the all the shit that sexuality does where it shuts your brain down and you just want to fuck your dick it's hard it does the opposite where it goes i want to i wish my kids were here i wish my wife was here i hope my parents are proud like all these weird fucking things but i just i was i've been obsessed with that because there there are those things in life and i feel like i've i've been really lucky to experience them in the past six months in in in spades but like those moments where you take visual snapshots and you're like oh fuck like when. Like when you're by that stream and everything – and it stops raining and the sun peeks through and it hits that right moment.

You're like, oh, shit. I'll never forget this moment. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a reason why people go to art galleries. Yeah. Like why do you go to art gallery? You go there to see what people are capable of creating.

It's always inspiring. Like even like those tattoos that we were looking at yesterday. Like, wow, somebody did that. to see what people are capable of creating. It's always inspiring. Even those tattoos we were looking at yesterday. Like, wow, somebody did that. That one, the Cheshire Cat and that chick's ribs. Like, whoa, that's crazy, right? I like knowing that someone made a cool sandcastle, right? There's something to that.

But then there's also something about just beauty. There's something about beauty. And beauty, I think, especially in our culture today it gets co-opted by sexual attraction you know like like a beautiful woman's body like even if for whatever reason you decided you were never going to have sex for the rest of your life and you were never attracted to a woman again you were fine with that for whatever reason like you got hit by lightning and your dick stopped working you really didn't care anymore you were fine with it they should make a john travolta movie out of that if you saw like a perfect beautiful female body with curves and legs and breasts and bone structure and just femininity it's beautiful like a woman's body a woman who is exercising as a healthy vibrant body it's an amazing thing to behold it's it's a it's a work

of beauty and there's something about it not just a sexual attraction to it but just the actual shape of it the curves like you know like that stupid kim kardashian breaks the internet thing like when you looked at that you're like wow that's great her ass is ridiculous but what's what doesn't work is that she's like look at me look i'm gonna oil up my ass so you look it's rubber in my ass don't tell anyone like why is your ass so big it wasn't that big at one point in time did you just do a lot of squats well maybe sort of sort of it looks like she has a fucking diaper on right sort of like she's got a rubber ass there's rubber in there some sort of a foreign but what doing is by seeing it in this beautiful form and shape, it's like a sculpture.

There's like something to it. You know, like you're seeing is it's exaggerated. And it's in her case, it's not the best case. But there's been some like insanely beautiful black and white photos of like models on the beach. You know, where you look at these photos and you're like, well, just the shape of the woman's body is like something. And then you see the shape of a mountain, like a snow-capped mountain with beautiful green trees around it and the sun is passing through the trees and you're like,

fuck, that's amazing to look at. There's something that happens to us when we see beauty. And when nature complements beauty. Like you said, and I i believe this when the sun peeks through yeah and nature nature kind of just bukkake takes it to the next level he's like he's like he's like take this all over your face nature um it's a woman it's like squirting she's squirting all over the universe that she created it's it's one of those moments like i woke up in this cave in vietnam and the sun came how many people say get to say that? Shined into the cave.

How many living people? I know 11. But it's like those moments when nature and beauty all show up at the same time and you're like, oh, it's like they're talking to me. You know? Yeah, yeah. It's like it's giving you a message. It's giving you a message like behold all that I have inside of me. Behold the clear water and the fucking bird that chirp in my trees that sit on my mountain. And then when you couple music into it.

Oh, yeah. And mushrooms, right? And if you got alcohol, you got inebriants, nature, beauty, music. Like, it happens to me on airplanes. When you're the only one awake, but you open up, and the sun's rising over Tokyo, and you're like, and you got fucking some shitty song, but it doesn't matter because it just means the right thing to you, and you're like, fuck it. Fuck it.

Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on. And you're like, that's my Fuck it. Hey, now, you're an all-star. Get your game on. And you're like, that's my fucking Tokyo song. Exactly. Exactly. Smash mouth, bitch. Exactly. Katy Perry is, not Katy Perry, fucking the girl with the,

it feels like a perfect night to dress up like Hitler or hipsters. What fucking Hitler? Jesus Christ, Bert Kreischer. Who is that? Come on. It's the girl that won the fucking Emmy and won the Grammy and then. It's the one where everyone's telling me, like, I hate to admit it. I love this new album.

Is it Katy Perry? Taylor Swift is fucking awesome. Dude, if you want to get, especially, hold on. No, let me tell you something, Joe. I swear to God. I swear to God. Think about what you're saying. Your daughters, your daughters in two years will change your playlist because you'll hear

songs that remind you of them. I'm sure it happens. You so don't know me. You're so wrong. Joe. Let it go. Let it go. Don't know me. You're so wrong. Joe. Let it go. Let it go. Don't hold me back anymore.

I have videos of my daughter singing that, and I think it's awesome. But when I'm in my fucking manly American car, I don't listen to that horse shit. What about? What about? Now, you got to hold on. Hold on a second. I'm on an airplane. I'm doing deadlifts, and I'm listening to Zeppelin.

Fuck off. I'm on an airplane. I'm having a few cocktails. It's a long flight. Oh, it's an unusual day. And that song. Be honest. You listen to that song alone?

No, listen. It's on my phone because my girls take my phone. Be dead honest. With two daughters. You got a younger. And that song. Do you want to build a snowman? Because just think like what if my younger daughter and i start bawling yeah well i'm just sobbing i i definitely get when i see things that they like and i'm not around them

but that's why i don't i don't stay away for long like you go away for like these big long stretches i don't go away for very long the longest longest I go away is when I go hunting. Like UFC trips and comedy trips is a couple days at most. So I don't like going away, man. I don't like it. I don't like that feeling. It's like when I was a kid, I didn't have a lot of stability in my life. And I think almost none of my friends did, which is weird because it's like it makes interesting people.

I don't want my kids to be interesting. like it makes interesting people i don't want my kids to be interesting i want them to be fucking boring and shit and happy and and content but that's selfish right i mean it's like i think uh i will expose them to difficult scenarios in life but i want to build a base of love and support first because i recognize there's there's a bunch there's a bunch of variables involved in making a human being and i think you probably thought about this as well when you think about raising a kid you don't you don't just uh feed them and you know just sort of read books to them before you go to bed with them you have to explain to them life you're teaching them about things and you're setting examples and in a lot lot of ways, it's a huge fucking responsibility.

Like that a lot of people don't really consider. You sort of think that your kids are going to figure it out on their own. And they will if you don't help them. But you're really supposed to be there to fucking help them. Just like every other animal. Like cats, they'll like hold on to a mouse and they'll drop it near the kitten. So the kitten will chase the mouse and hold on to it. They'll like teach this kitten how to hunt a mouse by bringing them a half-dead mouse.

Cats go and jack a mouse. They'll just fucking barely jack them. Just hold on to them. And then they drop them off in front of their kittens. I've seen them do it. It's weird. It's weird to watch. But they're teaching.

They're teaching them. Some people don't teach their kids jack shit. And I think the best teacher in life is adversity. The thing is, how much adversity adversity you want to give your kids because you give them too much it fucks them up if you give them not enough they become spoiled it's like you have to figure out they they need to learn to overcome obstacles and it's just like everything else in life you start with a little obstacle and then obviously like how do you get to become a really good comic book crusher you start off at open mic nights that's their first

obstacle and you need to be shit on by other comics. And you need your heart broken and your ego stomped on. You need to realize how bad you are. And you need to be objective. You need to come to terms with that when you're in the back of a taxi with your sister and she came up to see you perform in New York and you're sitting there going. And all you're thinking. And my sister was so embarrassed to be with me, she pulled off that New York taxi cab

mask to not look at me. Oh, no. And that, you want to get worse? She put it on my guitar. That's how bad I did. You had a guitar? I did. It was the first time I tried to do music.

What year is this? We're talking about? 1998. And she put it on my guitar. It's still on my guitar case. Every time I look at that map, I think, my sister could not make eye contact with me. But you need that.

And now here's a question. How much do you swing that pole? Because ultimately, you want your daughters to have some of the same brilliant experiences you've had in your life where you sit there and not just cage side at a ufc their equivalent

of that but like you want them to also feel like they've earned it right you know that's the one thing that i'm so grateful about is that i you know i earned stand-up comedy you know like i i didn't i wasn't gifted to me i earned i had to work for it and and that wasn't my place in life i wasn't a kid that got, that earned anything. I never read books. I was just a kid who fucking floated by until I got into comedy. And I saw, and I remember seeing guys like Jim Norton going, oh shit, like he's earned, like he's working for this. And Bobby Kelly and Pete Correale, these guys were all guys that I was looking at working for it. And I, and I did, I wanted a shortcut so bad because that was what life had been.

But I looked at them and I was like, fuck, I got to work it. I didn't understand that until I worked the door to get on stage and you were like 10 steps below what they had ever seen. Because no one did that in New York. Where'd you work the door? Boston Comedy Club.

And so- What year was it? 98, 99. So I was already gone. I didn't come back there while you were working there, huh? No, no. But even still, I had Jim. I see Jim in New York.

I had him on my podcast. It's nice to know. I think he's a genius comic, but we're peers in the same business. I don't know about all that, dude. But to have earned it. I want my kids to earn shit, but I don't know how to do that. Listen, you can only lead by example in certain respects. But what you're saying is true. One of the things that's weird about being a fuck-up in life or being a funny person is the skill that you develop that people don't think of as marketable or don't think of as valuable is you became a very socially viable person.

Even though you didn't do well in school, you were concentrating on other things. And one of those other things you were concentrating on in a big way is being amusing to people, getting people to like you, being what your book is called, the life of the fucking party. I mean, that's what you were. But people don't think of that as being a skill. But of course it's a skill. You figured out through a lot of trial and error, through years of adjustment, years

of interacting with people and realizing what people like, and then once you find it, tapping into it and running with it, and then using alcohol to fuel it, to take away your ambitions and run with it, you're developing a martial art the martial art of comedy i mean it's really in a way there are analogies to developing a martial like becoming like a martial artist because one of the things about becoming a martial artist is you find the tools that work you're taught it more than you are with comedy comedy everybody's different like with martial arts you have your basics you have your striking basics you have your grappling basics someone teaches it and then you express yourself and you figure out how what

you're doing what works what doesn't work and you get coached along the way comedy you have to coach yourself but in a lot of ways it's similar in that i don't mean in a mach of ways, it's similar in that – I don't mean it in a macho sense. It's similar in almost like this objective, analogous way where you're looking at comedy like a puzzle. Whereas martial arts is kind of like a puzzle too. Like when you're competing with a person, even when you're doing just judo or something like that, we're just trying to throw them to the ground. They're a puzzle. What do I need to do to get this person on their back? What do I need to do to get these people to laugh?

What do I need to do? Do I need to fucking talk like this? Do I need to fucking drink more? Do I need to be the guy who always takes his shirt off? Do I need to be the guy who's in his underwear? We're going in the water. Fuck it, I don't care if it's winter. We're going to the fucking water. Bert's in the water.

He's a maniac We love him And people love you because of that And then you run with that And then all of a sudden you're on stage And you got 300 people laughing their fucking dicks and tits off And they're going, this guy is awesome We can't wait to see you again

And then your parents are like, hold on So, all that shit you were doing Where I thought you were a fuck-up, you were actually developing a skill. The skill that Burt Kreischer developed where everybody thought he was fucking up was, everybody loves Burt. Fuck Raymond. Everybody loves Burt.

I love Ray, too. Ray Romano's a great guy. I'm just saying. People love you. If you had everybody loves Burt, even Ray Romano would probably go, I guess you can use it. He wouldn't freak out if you tried to do a sitcom called Everybody Loves Burt. Everybody does love Burt.

It doesn't take away from Everybody Loves Raymond. It should be a goddamn franchise. Some people love Red Band. That would be the next one. Some people love Red Band. Some people think Joe's a douche. That's the next one. And it would be me going, sorry.

I know I come, sometimes I come off as a douche. That's what you were doing when you were becoming this very social creature. I was a very unsocial person. I had to figure out comedy from a different angle. And as I sort of got better and slowly better in comedy, I also relaxed as a person. I had to figure out comedy from a different angle, you know, and as I sort of got better and slowly better in comedy, I also relaxed as a person. And as I relaxed as a person, I got better as a comedian. As I became a friendlier person, I got better as a comedian. Like all those things like played a part in each other. Like in the beginning, I think a lot of what I was doing,

I was like battling against myself. I was the opposite of you. Instead of being like a very gregarious, like outgoing, really fun to be around guy, I was kind of crazy. I was like dealing with the fact that I had a weird childhood and spent a large percentage of my young teenage years in terror competing in martial arts tournaments, always being scared. So my approach to it was like I had to develop the other – I to learn how to relax it took me a while to learn how to relax and one of the best ways you learn how to relax is see other people's reaction to you you know when you bomb or you know you just you come off obnoxious and you realize as you're coming off obnoxious god i'm obnoxious like what is wrong with me like it's just the words come out of your mouth you know and as i've become a father especially as i've gotten older as well but as i become a father because i get to see it from

the source one of the really unique things about becoming a father and i'm sure you'll probably agree with this is you get to see a child from the source like right out of the box and you get to see them grow and develop and it's so fascinating like when my daughter makes me laugh there's a weirdness to that laughter that i can't describe you know like my uh my six-year-old's really funny and she gives me a hard time like she's always mocking me and making fun of me constantly mocking me constantly and it's so funny it's hilarious it's it's really like she like has this like almost like painful grin on her face like she loves fucking with me yeah and she loves it also because i can't stop laughing when she does it because this is weird things this little human

that i've watched learn how to talk and then start fucking with me and figure you out and figure you out in that short time pretty quick but i also tell her what i do wrong i tell her where i screw up and i tell one of the things that i do with my kids it's a it's a big one man i think everybody should do it whenever i correct my kid about anything if she doesn't tell the truth about something or she gets upset about something i say honey i did the exact same thing i was way worse than you though i was way worse than you and i always tell was way worse than you. And I always tell them, I was not as smart as you. You're smarter than me.

And I explain. I go, this is what you're going to learn along the way. So you already give them a victory. Like, okay, dad was worse than me, and I'm smarter than dad. Okay, keep talking. What else? I'm listening. And I also, I keep drilling in their head.

This is a big one that I drill in their head. The only difference between you and me is that I've been alive longer. I'm not better than you. Okay. I'm not better than you. I'm just a person who's lived more years, but I can shave years off of your learning process if you just listen to me because I'll never lie to you. I'm like, if I'm telling you something, except for Santa Claus, if I'm telling you something, I've got a big issue.

I got a whole bit about it. I got a whole bit about it. I got a whole bit about it that the wife doesn't know about. You're lying to these little fucking kids. We were in the car the other day. She was asking about the tooth fairy. She doesn't believe the tooth fairy. She's like, that seems like bullshit. That's trickle-down loss of faith economics.

But the problem is the four-year-old, man. The four-year-old believes in everything, and she's going to miss out on a couple of years of being lied to. Oh, my ten-year-old still in everything. And she's going to miss out on a couple of years of being lied to. Oh, my 10-year-old still believes. No! 10 years old. 10 years old. You need to bring that kid to a doctor.

Dude, I'm taking shit to the next level. My Uncle Pete. Ayahuasca? Nope. My Uncle Pete. I save him my phone at Santa Claus. Let's fuck out of here. Joe, Joe, Joe.

Santa Claus is calling you? Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. Oh, no. I get not. I'm taking. I like. Hang on. Take a look at, Joe, Joe, Joe. Oh, no. I get not. I'm like, hang on. Take a look at this. I saved.

Let's type in Santa. I saved his fucking picture. So when he calls, my phone rings. Oh, my God. The phone rings and you see Santa's face. And it's Uncle Pete. That's so stupid. And he's got a few Budweiser's in him at midnight on Christmas Eve.

And he's just like, ho, ho, ho. Yeah, the problem is that's trickle down economics when you tell your kid to make sure her boyfriend wears a condom. Okay? Five years from now. Okay, honey, look, I know Mike is your boyfriend. I know you love each other and you're going to be together forever. Wear a fucking condom, okay?

Do you know what? Make him wear a condom. Make him wear a condom. Let's do it for daddy. Make him wear a condom. No dude wants to wear a condom. I've wore a condom at least five times in my life Really?

Five times Maybe ten I got a handful on me What are you trying to say? Let's shut this podcast down And fuck When you and Brendan Schwab Were talking about fucking your way out of a skiing room

Dude, somebody just sent me that I've never laughed so fucking hard Don't put me in room. Dude, somebody just sent me that. I've never laughed so fucking hard. Don't put me in the sauna and make me fuck my way out. Dude, I've never. Those fight companions, I don't even need to see anything. It's right there. This is how good the internet is. Bam.

He says that, and it's right there on my computer. It's the hardest I've ever laughed. How fast are people? Because I thought the fight companion, I was like, I'm probably not going to get as into it as I do the podcast. Because I've lost it on the podcast. I can't listen to it in bed anymore. Yeah. I'm going to sleep.

So I was like, I'll put in the fight companion. This must have been like three weeks ago. Oh, you mean the one where I talked to him about his fight? No, no, no. The one, the fuck my way out of it. That was actually a little bit more than that. You were so loose with Eddie and him. And it was such a fucking fun atmosphere that I sat up in bed and I was like, fuck it.

That was Ian Edwards or Ian McCall as well was here, right? Yeah. Was he for that one? I'm small brain. I know it was Eddie, you, and Brendan. Because fuck my way out of a sauna was my funniest thing I've heard. I wrote it down in my head and I was like, I got to bring that up. It was about a guy.

Eddie and I used to work out at 24 Hour Fitness, and there was a guy who was a manager there. There was a really friendly guy that was also, before he was a manager there in the West Hills location, he was a manager of the one in West Hollywood. And the West Hollywood one was just basically like a pit stop for dudes to just get their dicks drained. I worked out at West Hollywood Crunch. That was a fucking meat locker. Oh, that's a crazy spot.

Dudes would just be sitting there shaving their balls. Wee-ho. I worked out at, I had a whole bit. I never made it onto a DVD or a CD or anything. It was a whole bit about working out at Gold's Gym on Cole Street in West Hollywood. Because news radio was in this one area and Gold's Gym was right down the street. I was like, oh, that's convenient. I'll just work out there.

I worked out there twice. I spent whatever it was. I think you had to get like three months. I was like, yeah, I'm not comfortable, man. And then I understood what it's like to be a woman. I really did. I understood what it's like to be a woman. A woman with a skirt on and an office full of fucking savages just walking past

that water cooler while they're all quiet, holding on to their little paper cups. But the problem is, I like it. You like what? Being the wounded antelope? Or you like being the dude by the water cooler being the sexual harasser? I never had a problem with dudes hitting on me. I was always like, that's what? I got it.

Guess what? That's a new meme. I never had a problem with dudes hitting on me because I was like, guess what? Guess what? I got it. Dude, someone's going to try to fuck you now just to make a point. I can't get the visual of guys who hate owls out of my head. Because that was the fucking greatest analogy.

And all I can pitch, you know those people that sit outside Gelson's and try to get you to sign forms? They'll catch you and they're like, hey, do you want to stand up for gays? And you're like, with your kid, you're like, I do. But right now I got groceries and a child and i can't make a political statement i don't know how much that helps a guy put his finger in front of my face and said do you have two minutes for gay rights and i'm like come on man what do you what do you mean but this is not you this is not the way to get people to like you you can't trap them when they're on the way to doing other stuff and like make them sign pieces of paper.

We're shooting their heads. Yeah, this is the way we get signatures for our petition. You know another way? Make a website. Okay? You'll get more than just standing in front of a fucking doorway. What are the numbers? As far as annoying people for annoying people slash get people to sign your petition.

You're going to annoy way more people. If you get people to do it on a website, through social media, tweet me. I'll retweet it. I'll retweet it. It'll hit up 1.4 million people. That's way better than annoying me when I'm coming. Obviously, I'm an unusual case.

But most people, what are the numbers of people that come out of Whole Foods? Is it 100 an hour? Is it even 100? The attrition factor of like you're just bothering people and flipping them on the other side of it as opposed to really fucking helping. I know a dude who won't go to a fucking supermarket. He'll pull into a supermarket and if he sees there's people that have like the stand there and the open bin for homeless people. Like what's up with that open fucking plastic thing with like this really easy to unscrew top. You can just reach in and take that money.

How do I know where the fuck this money is going? You have a laminated sign that says it's going to homeless people. A lot of those people actually are fake. Of course. I ignore them. I don't even talk to them. If they say something, I act like they don't exist. Well, I try to be charitable except when forced.

Whenever I'm forced or cornered to be charitable, I'm not charitable. I'm very charitable if it's my choice. I like to give money, but I don't like to be asked to give money. I think that's obnoxious. I think making someone aware of your charity is cool, but you've got to leave it at that. Getting in front of someone and putting a finger, do you have three minutes for gay rights? That's not how it works, man.

This is what I have for gay rights. All the love in the world, okay? I've got all the love in the world. You don't have to worry about me, because when it comes time to voting and it comes time to talking about it, I'm not your enemy at all. I'm 100% for you. So don't worry about me. You and Todd Glass are the reason I don't say the F word. I used to say faggot. I So don't worry about me. You and Todd Glass are the reason I don't say

the F word. I used to say faggot. I loved it. I know, but you and Todd Glass are the... You know, they've kind of... They've taken it from us. No, no, no. Can I tell you what I believe? What they've done is they've let it age like a fine wine. So now when you do hear it, it comes out

like a bomb. It comes out like a bomb and it's even 10 times funnier than it ever was when we were kids. Well, amongst friends. Amongst friends. Like, if Brian, if you said something and Brian just goes, shut up, faggot, we would start crying. If you just nailed it. If you just had that one moment. Like a Mary Lou Reckless.

Yeah. When you were talking about how you're scared to get your feet wet or something like that. If he said something like that, it would, but, if there was a gay, but if Justin Martindale was sitting right beside you,

if Justin Martindale, who we love dearly, was sitting right beside you, he'd be like, oh, fuck. I gotta say this, I gotta say this

because I'm never gonna fucking remember this and the whole time you were saying this, I felt bad. There was one guy at the Gelson's on Riverside

in Little Canyon for gay rights. And as I walked out, he went, the machine. And I went, hey. And he goes, gay rights? And I just went, nah. And he was like, oh, got it. And just walked on past. If I can give you $20, you need to stop talking immediately.

I'm in. Can I just give you $20 and we end this? I'll talk to you about the weather. Just don't ask me. I find it obnoxious. And it's like anything, handing out flyers for a show to people that are coming out of the bathroom. No, you don't do that. That's not what they're looking for.

I believe that you can get results from annoying people, but you're also going to annoy people. And whenever you can not annoy people people that's the way to go like if there's a way to do it like i always feel like i don't i don't like advertising shit like i don't like advertising sponsors i don't like advertising shows but the only way to let people know about those shows is to advertise them that's the only way but there's like a fine line between too much and too little and not enough. And what's your intention while you're going into it? And I always feel like if someone's on my Twitter, you know,

I'm going to talk about shows, you know, I'm going to talk about UFCs, UFCs coming up. I'm going to let you know. I mean, but it's also because I'm fucking actually legitimately excited about it. You know,

if I'm doing a show on New Year's Eve, I'm excited about that show. If I'm going to a UFC and I'm telling you, Oh shit, John Jones is fighting Daniel Cormier. I'm not, I'm a, yeah. Am I letting you to a UFC and I'm telling you, oh shit, Jon Jones is fighting Daniel Cormier, I'm not, yeah, am I letting you know you should order it on pay-per-view? But I'm not trying to do it for job security.

I'm trying to do it because I fucking love it and I want everybody to know about it. So as long as my heart is pure, I'm willing to go forward with these ideas. Speaking of which, New Year's Eve, I'll be at the Irvine Improv. Where are you at? Holla!

I'm at the Improv in Hollywood. Are you really? In Melrose in Hollywood, yeah. With Ian Edwards and Tony Hinchcliffe. Jesus fucking Christ! Ian Edwards is a funny motherfucker. Ian Edwards is the most underrated comedian in America today. I'm telling you folks, if you have a chance to see this guy,

I don't say it enough. There are some great, great, great comedians out there. Ian Edwards is up there with all of them. He's up there with Bill Burr. He's up there with Dave Chappelle. He's up there with Louis C.K. He's amazing. He's up there with Brian Redband.

He's up there with Burt Kreischer, Tom Segura. He's fucking fantastic. I remember him from the Boston Comic Club. He's as good as Joey Diaz. I don't like saying that because Joey makes me laugh harder than anybody that's ever lived. Ian Edwards is a motherfucker dude. I work with him in Philly and D.C. And it was a pleasure.

It was a pleasure. I was like, how do more people... He's like one of those dudes where you feel like, god damn, people need to know about him. He's so good. He's so good. And he's got this rhythm where he barely is putting out any energy. People are falling down, crying, laughing. But it's not like it's a forced rhythm.

Not to say that Mitch Hedberg was, but it's a genuine way that he talks. I think he was on this show when he was talking about he was going to move out. He had to move out of his house, put his stuff into a storage storage unit and then the place didn't go into escrow yes and and i and but the way he talked about tragedy was the same way he did comedy he goes i got my but i'm not gonna do it because it's not gonna sound right but i thought to myself and he used to work at the boston comedy club he was one of the regulars there when i worked the door and you just sit in the back with a long ass dreadlocks i wrote a joke about him because uh his hair was falling out but out. But he didn't know I wrote it. But I said,

when you have a dreadlocks and your hair's falling out, do you just lose just one dreadlock at a time? Like just a, you wake up with a snake in your pillow and you're like,

what the fuck? He didn't know I wrote it. Yeah, it's like hanging like a rope that's been halfway severed in an action movie where you see those strands breaking,

spiraling. I just bumped this camera, Brian. Don't worry about it. It's just me. But yeah, Ian Edwards is fucking, he's amazing. He's a good dude too, man. He's a really, really, really good dude.

Can I tell you what? If I could talk to him, what I'd want to talk about. Gay sex? There was a time, no. There was a time that everyone in New York talked about, like Patrice, everyone, that him and Chappelle went to Edinburgh together. And apparently they had this epic, I mean, it could have been just one of those folklore things that one joke turns into 10, turns into 20, turns into make-believe. But, man, apparently him and Chappelle and Jason Steinberg and Barry Katz all went to Edinburgh together.

Like back in like fucking 92 or 95. I would love to, if anyone ever gets on one of those podcasts, bring them up, because I'm dying to hear their stories. And what happened? I don't know. There was this story about- Legend, lad. In Edinburgh, in Scotland, in the place where Braveheart started, was written on animal

skins on a snowy marsh. it was written on animal skins on a snowy marsh ah someone with a feather dipped it into ink that was made from coal i scroll these words of legend ian edwards and dave chapelle i don't know what happened but some shit went down or something maybe barry katz was involved it's very shady apparently it was hilarious it was like two dudes who are different people and they were just like it was like the odd couple i don't know i mean edwards and dave chapelle the odd couple very different people i guess well ian is a he's a vegan yeah yeah he's very healthy i couldn't do it's very healthy clearly yep what's up with whiskey are we done with it or are we gonna keep drinking it funny bitch maker's you're in front of you, bitch. Maker's Mark. Ice in the metal thing that looks like a... What fucking year was this made?

Tongs. That's for gentlemen, sir. This is a gentleman's podcast. We are, in fact, on iTunes. I don't know if you know this, with your dainty gold watch. What's up with that watch? Did you win that shit with one of those little cranes at the fucking carnival? Yeah.

I almost didn't wear it today because I was like, Joe fucking noticed this fucking watch. It's a strange watch. It's a nice one. It also has... you have a club wristband on no it's a 70s no it's a it's from the hospital can i tell you something i was scared to uh fuck it i'm not you were scared to what nothing nothing show something i need to edit myself sometimes what happens around you is i get so fucking open that i just that bad yeah i get scared you is I get so fucking open. Is that bad? Yeah, I get scared. You get scared because you get open? You have one drink and you're hammered? You drink that whole bottle of champagne first.

Oh, I didn't see that. You drink a bottle of champagne before you got here. By the way, that's how you know someone's an alcoholic. Not a word. Not a word of would anybody like some champagne. Break collar! Break collar! Literally, the guy opened up a bottle of champagne and didn't offer any to anyone.

No one has had any of the champagne. Bert opened that tit, twisted the thing, popped the cork. Oh, celebrate good times. Come on. That was your first grade. You don't know that we have a lot of liquor here. You don't need to bring your own. This motherfucker was so panicked that he was going to do this show sober.

He popped a cork and didn't tell anyone. You didn't bring it up. You didn't even talk. It's like you shot up in front of us. You fucking tied off with a rubber band, put it in your teeth, and you just fucking bang. And we're just like trying to pretend that it's not even happening i'm coming in hot i told you that that's not hot you came in you gotta open it you get the fucking cork in front of you this is coming in rude coming in selfish you're coming in rude

dude i gotta tell you i watched one of your videos of your podcast, and I'm jealous of your man cave. You know what I'm jealous of? Ready for this? The wood on your walls. Yeah. What's that? It's a-

What is that? What is that? It's reclaimed lumber from, I think, a 150-year-old barn in Indiana. I knew it, you fuck. It smells so good. You walk into that man cave and it smells like history. I bet it does. You son of a bitch.

I love old wood, dude. This fucking shit right here, this is 100-year-old wood from a farmhouse. I went way out of my way to get this wood, like reclaimed lumber. I just had this idea that if i got old wood it would make me feel different when i was holding on to it when i was touching it it might be total horseshit but this wood right here that's that's the man cave let me see your man cave dude joe see this you know the difference between you and me what i make my own antlers motherfucker joe see this see this map right here?

It goes up, and there's an LCD screen behind it. So it's like a secret TV. That's my moose bird crusher. Oh, fuck. You want some moose meat? What are you doing after you get out of here? You want some moose? I would love some. I would absolutely love some.

My uncle, like right before the Rolling Stone magazine came out, like it was spring break. It came out April 1stst and I had spring break. My uncle, I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. My uncle sent me up to his house in DC. He wasn't there to interview for jobs at publicity firms, public relations. And he said, he left a note and he said, when you get to my house, my uncle's fairly wealthy. When you get to my house, go down to the wine cellar, have dinner, sit at that table and

write out your goals. Wait a minute. That table. He's making you have dinner on your own? My uncle's a, yeah. My uncle's a very different guy. Does he have a cook that cooks you this dinner? He's got a chef and he's got, he's a very wealthy dude.

So he tells you to sit down and they serve you dinner and he tells you to write out your goals. Two bottles of wine. Two bottles of red wine. And this room is in the wine cellar. Dope uncle. It's in a wine cellar. I need to become that uncle.

And then he tells me. My nephew's too young. Sorry. That table is from one of the fucking. Nights of the round table? From one of the under tables. The Hobbit? The boats that landed here first.

The Santa Maria? With Roanoke. The Pinta? The Maria? But it's that old fucking wood table It's only this From Roanoke Virginia

Yeah one of the old boats That came over Wait Hold on It was a captain's table A captain's table Holy shit It's literally

From like a 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue That kind of shit No no no Probably 17 or 1800 That's when they found Roanoke Somebody has a 1492 He should get that.

I don't think that's around anymore. I think that's deteriorated. You should come up with that cash. Pull out that paper. You got to be number one, bro. You can't be number three. I'm one of the top three billionaires in the country. Shut up, bitch.

But yeah, those old wood. That old wood, I think, evokes... You're right. I was trying to agree with you, and I'm way too fucked up to explain my theory, and I just ended up trying to brag about some dinner I had. This is my idea.

Fucking piece of shit. No, it's a good, it's a very, dude, that's a fascinating story. Your fucking uncle told you to sit down at a 300-year-old table and he was going to bring

his slaves to have a meal prepared for you, asked you to drink two bottles of wine that were probably, you were probably made by people who were put to death after it was over so they didn't know the recipe.

This fucking secret grape stomping procedure. And then you're supposed to scroll down your goals. Just doing that. Just doing that. Just offering that environment where you could sit at this table and someone would come over dressed like fucking ass Jeeves

with like little tail feathers behind him. Mr. Kreischer, would you like horseradish? Would you filet mignon? And you're like, yes, please. And he's bringing over bottles of wine and he's telling you to write down your goals. Just that alone probably is very intimidating. It's probably not good for you at all.

It's probably the opposite of beneficial. I'm thinking it'd probably be a really good thing for you, but I'm thinking maybe it'd make you go to Burning Man and stay there for a couple of years just to gather your thoughts. Nah, you need to get one of those old tables. Old table? I got an old table. Let's play a game.

Who can get the oldest fucking table? Dude, I have an old table from five years ago that we started the podcast on that I'm trying to figure out what to do with. Wait. Because Mrs. Rogan wants it out of the house, that round black table that we started the podcast with. With the stems? With the mics? Yes. That's a great table.

You know what I should do with that table? I should sell that table, and I should take the proceeds and give it to my friend Justin Wren and help the pygmies, right? That would make me, because I'm sentimental about shit, unless I could figure out a way to make it beneficial. So we'll sell that table. Will you handle this? Because I don't have time.

Can I tell you what I... Can I tell you... That'd be a pain in the ass to shit. Can I tell you the way I look at life? I'm going to pawn this shit off on Jamie. I would just look at it like that table inspires so much creativity, I would want it to inspire more creativity as opposed to sell it to auction. You know what I mean? I want to put it back into the creative universe and go, let's see where it goes.

What if I give it to a creative dude who fucking kills himself? Okay. How about that? I know where to take it. Comedy store? Yeah. Right? Where?

Bring it where? Tommy's What Office. Oh, that's a good move. You know what I should do? I should pretend somebody bought it for five grand and just send them five grand adjusted. What's the most anybody's going to pay for that stupid fucking table?

It's a $50 table. Nah, but it's probably a hundred. I don't even remember it now. It's a couple hundred bucks. I can't remember if there was a Lazy Susan on it. Yeah, it seemed like there was a Lazy Susan on it or something. I think someone gave it. I don't even know where it came from.

I'd allow that. I'd put that back in the creative universe. I've had some good times on that table. I did too. Shh. Whoa. What were you guys doing? What's that? I'm coming off really gay today. Is that spilt yogurt? What's up with that stain? You got a little Jamie

with a drop in the F-bomb. That's half and half. That was a great table. Fucking motherfucker of a table, son. I don't know. We'll figure out a way. We'll figure out something to do with it. But that has five years.

This table has 100 years of cows being trapped in a fence. There's horror in this table. It doesn't exist in other tables. This is a farm table. I kind of have a farm. You do? I do. In real life, you do.

I kind of have a farm. I mean, I don't have any animals that I eat, but I have animals that I eat their eggs. Animals that I eat are all animals that are wild. In a sense, it's like the best farm. Like right now, I want to give you some moose meat. And one of the reasons why I want to give you some moose meat is I have like 400 fucking pounds of it. Dude, I really do.

I get obsessed when I hear you. When I'm like you, you get into your things. There was a period where anyone who talked about psychedelic adventuring, I got really into because I felt like I was testing the boundaries of anxiety with like fearful activities. And I was like, why am I so scared of psychedelics? Like why am I terrified of it? And there was a period where anytime you talked to anyone about psychedelics,

I'd get in. Then now all these hunter dudes you got, I'm so bad at names, but the guy that you talk to three dudes, Ranella, then the one dude who ignored. Remy Warren. And then the other guy. Cameron Haynes. They ignore Cameron Haynes, that guy.

There's one guy that says, what's his name again? He kept doing a joke. Oh, no, no, it's Tim Burnett. He's just being silly. Yeah, I know, but that's who the three guys. He's a good dude, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I got really into this fucking hunting thing, and I was like.

Do you want to go hunting i'd love to okay let's do it i'd love to most likely i'm gonna do a tv show we're working it out right now with steve ranella's company where i take first timers hunting brian gave in looking for booze i was just getting some iced coffee listen why have some coffee without some makers just a little bit of the little dash Little dash Come on it's the fucking 5th anniversary kid Brian what's the matter are you scared No I just have a lot of shows tonight

How many shows you got What shows tell me about these shows Irvine Improv Then this other show that's near The Irvine I don't know where it's called though And then And then what else? A little something.

No, no, no. Don't give him that because he's not going to be able to drink that on the way home. Get him an actual glass like a gentleman. We've got another glass right here. Like a gentleman. Like a little gentleman. Listen, this isn't peer pressure. This is celebration. Just let that go!

Easy, Bert! You trying to get him arrested? That doesn't help. It's the same amount of alcohol. You're like a child. You're like a cat that hides under the fucking couch, but your tail is poking out. Brian, a little something.

Salute, my brother. Happy five years. Happy five years. Bert Kreischer. years Hey Bert Kreischer Powerful Bert Kreischer In the house Oh Buy his book

Or Bit torrent it But when you can afford Then buy That's That's the future right Just enjoy whatever the fuck I put out That's the future

There's enough people folks You know If things cost five bucks There's enough people You know people keep asking me How do you feel about your shows Or fucking being bit torrented It's okay It really is It, people keep asking me, how do you feel about your shows or fucking being BitTorrented? It's okay.

It really is. It's okay. If that's the only way you can get it, get it. And here's the other thing. If you get it through BitTorrent and you don't like it, I'm happy you didn't pay for it. I'm way happier that somebody gets something for free and doesn't like it than pays for something and likes it. That sounds like I'm bullshitting you, but I'm telling you the truth. then pays for something and likes it that sounds like i'm bullshitting you but i'm telling you the truth the if you can slide through life with the least amount of conflicts possible that's why you

shouldn't buttfuck without lube okay why be rude why be rude okay what is it so hard to get lube it's not like fucking unab man tanium like some shit from avatar unobtainium it's not the shit wolverine's bones are made out of okay you can get it everywhere every fucking where you look if you have a phone okay what you what you need to do is you need a yelp pharmacy okay look for pharmacy 24 hours look at that cvs 0.10 Go. Take a left on Van Owen. There you are. CVS. Get your lube. Butt fuck someone with sweat. That's just rude.

That's a meme. Butt fuck someone with sweat. That's some fucking shit. When you look back and you see Elvis with his stupid sunglasses on, he's like, I agree. I tried at once a 68. But fuck, someone would sweat. Look at Jimmy Hendrix. I feel bad ever since then.

I've been taking pills to try to recover. Go down the line. What would Rosa Parks? Rosa Parks. I'll tell you what's better about this table than the other one. Three people on the wall behind me. Only one of them never butt fucked someone with sweat. Gu'll tell you what's better about this table than the other one. Three people on the wall behind me, only one of them, never buttfucked someone with sweat.

Guarantee you, Rosa Parks was never involved in that activity. Oh, that's a shirt, too. Just the three pictures. You know what's really crazy? How few people know. Tune one on, Jamie. Tune one on Rosa Parks. Very few people know what Rosa Parks looks like.

When I do this podcast, people come in the studio. I have three mug shots behind me. One of them is from Jimi Hendrix in Toronto. He got busted with heroin and something else. One of them is the infamous Rosa Parks arrest where she got arrested because she refused to go to the back of the bus, which African-Americans were forced to go to the back of the bus. When African Americans were forced to go to the back of the bus. When you look at her, I don't know if it's the lighting or whatever it is, but a lot of people think she looks Asian.

She looks Filipino or something. Yeah, something along those lines. And then the other one behind me is Elvis, who I don't believe was ever really arrested. That's a mock fit. Yeah, this is a mug shot from when he met Nixon. You know that famous photo? Yeah, he brought a gun on that plane. Pull that photo up just to

make sure we're telling the truth. It's the same clothes that he's wearing. Elvis meets Nixon. There's a famous one that I have because I have the Jesco, the dancing outlaw from the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. It's the

devil meeting Nixon, but Nixon is Jesco, and the devil is... The Dancing Outlaw. Yeah, the Dancing Outlaw, or the devil is Elvis Presley. Have you ever listened to Hank 3? Fuck yeah.

Hank 3 is the best. Can you get him on your podcast? I would love to get him on my podcast. Can everyone reach out to Hank 3 and get him on Joe's podcast? Can I just tell you this? Sturgill Simpson sent me a fucking text message today. He's number fucking one in country on iTunes.

I've been telling everybody about Sturgill Simpson. I went for a period of like, I'm not bullshitting. This is the Amazon thing that Sturgill just sent me. I'm downloading it right now. He's number one. Number two is the fucking, the definitive collection of patsy klein oh dude that is fucking amazing you can't see it it's too bright all right that's sturgill sturgill's number one on amazon right now by the way with no big record support he's done all this shit

independently that's sturgill right here this is his uh his album this shit is number one right now on amazon i swear to god if you like any good music forget about country because i know there's a lot of people that go joe rogan you got fucking got a pretty good podcast you're okay as usc commentator kind of biased but god damn your fucking taste in music sucks listen to me just if you like any country if you like johnny cash if you don't like johnny cash you need to kill yourself okay or you need to go to the woods and then think about things then listen to it again and if you still don't like it then kill yourself but if you if you like johnny cash please listen to sturgill simpson because what

sturgill's doing is what johnny's doing is what Johnny's doing is what Joe Cocker did is what all these motherfuckers did they sing from the heart and everybody's heart is different okay there's a reason why Sarah McLaughlin makes you feel bad when you watch that goddamn commercial with the puppies okay because of her voice it's almost like a dirty trick her voice is so powerful in the arms of the angel and you're watching a sad little puppy like fuck i need to adopt another dog i already have two dogs and three fucking cats but you want one you want to help out right almost adopted one in vietnam did you really it was by a campfire and it was in a cage by a campfire and i just we'd take it out at night and we'd let it sleep with usfire and it was in a cage by a campfire and I just, we'd take it out at night and we'd let

it sleep with us in bed. It was in a cage? It was in a cage at night. Who put it in a cage? The people in fucking Vietnam. I don't, they also eat them, so. So you're happy it's just in a cage? It's very lucky to be in a cage. Not in a

stomach. I just bought Sturgill Simpson's album. Two of them. Buy both of them. Buy the first one too. The first one's pretty fucking dope. But everyone go online also and rate and review

that album because that helps him keep him on top. Helps keep people noticing him and do that with my podcast. I love you guys. Yes.

Or not. But definitely do it with Sturgill. You gotta say or not. High Top Mountain? Yeah, High Top Mountain was his first one, which is really good. You know, my wife, I'm a big Widespread Panic fan. And so I got on Widespread Panic, and my wife, in the loop of it,

got on the Honey Honey Band. Honey Honey is in Cleveland for New Year's Eve. I just tweeted it. Go to my Twitter feed and find it. If you're in town, you're in Cleveland, that's where Suzanne's from, and she wants to do a little hometown show. Go get that. My wife's obsessed.

They're really good. She's like, this is good music. They're the nicest fucking people ever, right? How nice has Ben? He's the nicest guy of all time. He's just so nice. He's just so fucking nice and talented and so Suzanne. They're just so nice

and so talented. We've been so lucky, man. We've been so lucky in meeting so many cool people. I like when you have bands on. Fuck yeah. Everlast. How about Everlast?

Dude, fuck that. God damn, Everlast is talented. That playing of Immortal Technique. Immortal Technique. Immortal Technique? Fuck yeah. Why is Everlast CD

not up in that fucking hand anymore? Put it back up. Everlast. Did it fall down? Was it Earthquake? That album. Terrorist perhaps? It was amazing.

Yeah. His, the all studio or all acoustic, a life acoustic. He did a play on a life aquatic and even made his CD coverd cover look like a life aquatic like with his face he's just a cool motherfucker dude you got me into uh uh box cutter pazzy oh dude yeah i talk to him when i go to philly vinnie paz yeah i talk to vinnie paz every time i go to philly i go hey do you want tickets and we're always like on flip schedules yeah i've had that issue with him as well he's a good dude though and i like his shit man he's a good rapper he's a big boxing connoisseur as well he knows a lot of shit about

boxing yeah yeah man that's the beautiful thing about the times we live in you know times you live in and they're connecting us to so many cool people you know we're living in strange times man this is this is the time where the boundaries between people are slowly dissolving you know we're that one radio station on the way to vegas with podcasting oh we are that one radio station yeah it's like it's like the people that are cool they're picking it up and they're like and i love when you run into people that are like i told you about this a million times but like i met these two dudes under a banyan tree in hawai, and they're like, the machine. Oh, fuck. And we just ended up catching up about your latest Bobcat Goldthwait episode and just bullshitting. Right, right, right.

Those things, it's cool to be a part of this community. And I don't feel like, you know, like podcasting in general with Radiolab and with what's going on with Serial. I haven't paid attention to Serial. Are you into that? It's really good. I keep hearing shit about it being amazing It's really good for six episodes Six episodes and then it falls apart It's like you and Duncan going hunting for Sasquatch

It's like I would have heard if the guy got out So I guess he doesn't I guess I know the ending of this Yeah that's a problem right? That's every fucking UFO show. Yeah. Bitch, you didn't find no UFOs. By the way, I'm telling you your joke.

Because when you and Duncan went home for a scat, you said, your joke is like, if they had found it, I would have heard about it. Yeah. And when you and Duncan, I think I called Duncan and I was like hey just did you find it? He was like Bert it would be on the news. We had a good time. Duncan and I were high as fuck.

If you watch that show if you pay attention and understand and you just watch those episodes where me and Duncan are wandering through the woods we were barbecued.

We were barely conscious. I love that guy so much. He's my favorite. Well there's no my favorite but he's my favorite well there's no my favorite but he's my favorite there's all my favorite joey's my favorite you're my favorite there's a lot of favorites brian's my favorite i even love jamie i've called duncan's my go-to panic is like if you want to freak out when i'm going through shit like real shit that i but what you need to

really think about is the fact that man man, we might not even be here. We might be in some sort of simulation, some alternative dimension. There might be people looking over us right now deciding whether or not to delete you. I'll give you my example of how Duncan's a genius. He comes on to do my podcast. I ask him to do my podcast. And he goes, sure, we find a time. And at the time, I was going through the book stuff, and I had a panic attack in the middle of the podcast.

Like five minutes in, I start spiraling out. And this is what I love about Duncan's brain. He goes, man, you know, David Letterman's never grown as an individual. He's playing the same character. There's no rules to this shit. Let's do a guided meditation. And he leads me through a guided meditation for 20 minutes on my podcast. He just leads it.

There's a tiger coming out of the rip and you're just and you're into it and i and you pop out on the other side you're like motherfucker i was like i i met with this zen buddhist monks in japan zen buddhist monk in japan that we did a meditation and i told him i said will you do me a favor check out duncan trussell's podcast you told the monks to download duncan's podcast i told this monk he was a he was a he was westernized a tad bit he spoke english but go check out duncan man tell me what you think about this guy because i really do he's got a he's got a special thing about the way he processes and i don't know if it's him having gone through you know cancer and and having to deal with that

shit mbs you know right but like he's I fucking can't say enough about that guy. He's my go to panic anxiety. And he knows it. So he answers the call. No. He's a good dude man. He's a good dude. You know.

He lived with me for like four months. Duncan and I lived together. Maybe a little bit more than four months. I forget how many months it was. But he called me up. He's like dude. I'm in a motel right now. My girlfriend kicked me out.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I go, come live with me. I go, let's have fun. I go, come on, dude. I go, I got an isolation tank. There's a gym. I go, come on. Come have fun.

So this is like in the height of fear factor. Duncan came and lived with me. He lived with me for a while You know I lived with Tate for a while I lived with Duncan for a while Tate's a fascinating dude I don't know him

But I follow him on Instagram Cavemancoffeeco.com He seems like he's He seems like he's He gives me It looks like he doesn't drink Doesn't smoke Doesn't do anything

He doesn't He's super straight edge But he lives like a Fucking very rewarding early morning cup of coffee life. Well, you know what Tate is? Tate is a robust and enthusiastic individual.

He's very happy. Like, Tate loves to give people hugs and he loves to get excited about shit. That's why he loves coffee. They need to do a show with him on Travel Channel called The Baby Monster. Where he just goes into big villages. The Baby Monster? Because he's a big dude, but he seems like the nicest guy in the world.

And he just goes into places where you draw a prediction about a person based on the way they look, but then he just connects with everyone. I mean, every picture I see him, it's like him in warrior paint with his fucking beard. Well, he does a lot of movies, man. He did that Denzel Washington movie. He's done a ton of movies over the last two years especially. He's been really successful. Yeah, he's a super good bad guy in movies. He's fascinating.

He's a big giant dude. He's scary. But he's a sweetie. He's a really nice guy. Was it you and him? I just retold this story to somebody. Was it you and him with the guy that was drunk and knocked on the door? The elevator in the Hard Rock Hotel. He didn't just knock on the door.

He pounded on Tate. Before Tate got to his hotel room, this dude was telling him that, you know, he was like, that's my room. And Tate was like opening the door. And he's like, no, this is my room. He was like, I told you it's my fucking room. Like this really big, douchey, frat-looking frat looking kid and you know tate's a big guy he's like six four two hundred god knows whatever the fuck he weighs you know beard like 220 ish black beard yeah he's a big dude so this guy was bigger than tate like he's such a bully that he's like bullying obvious giant people you know like wow are you crazy so take go tate gives

this guy a free pass goes into his hotel room and i'm in the room adjoining him and eddie bravo and i're in the room we're baked as fuck so none of this even seems real right we're in this hotel room and um we hear pounding on the door and you know we know, we have adjoining rooms. So I opened our door, and Tate's door was cracked, and I pushed Tate's door out, and we go into Tate's room, and then we go out into the hallway. And so we're exiting out of Tate's room, you know, I don't know, a sign of solidarity or some shit. I don't know why we did it that way.

But this dude is standing over Tate, and he's bigger than Tate. And he's like, I told you it was my fucking room, bitch. And Tate's like, I don't know what you're talking about, man, because obviously I have the key. How did I get the key to your room? You know, that kind of shit. He goes, you know, the guy keeps talking to him, and Tate goes, why don't you just swing on me, man?

Come on, why don't you swing on me? And the dude, like, moves forward. Tate leg kicks him and then pulls guard. He's just like, whack! And then pulls him down onto him. And then all of a sudden, throws this dude in the omoplata. And then from the omoplata,

right when he's got this guy on the ground, the guy's baffled. He has no idea what the fuck just happened. Somehow or another, through the shittiest luck of all time, this six foot six giant man who's been pushing people around his whole 22 years on this planet has run into the wrong motherfucker in a hotel lobby while he's drunk at the Hard Rock Cafe in Vegas.

So Tate pulls an omoplata off on this guy. And he's got this guy face down, all of his weight on him, hipped out. And these fucking security guards show up out of nowhere. And they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down, slow down. I go, dude, I go, don't worry, it's fine. And the guy goes, you're the Fear Factor guy. And I go, yeah, what's up, man? I go, listen, it's fine.

He's just going to choke him to sleep. That's what I love. That's my favorite part of the story. That's my favorite part of the story. When Tate says, he's just going to choke him to sleep. When I say, he's just going to choke him to sleep, when I say he's just going to choke him to sleep, Tate says, okay. So Tate just transitions from the omoplata to the rear naked choke,

chokes this guy completely unconscious, thump, head down. His friends who had been with him the entire time were apologizing for him, were happy nobody was beating them up. Pick this guy up. He's like, what happened? What happened? They push him into an elevator, and he disappears. They push him into this elevator, and the doors close, Pick this guy up. He's like, what happened? What happened? They push him into an elevator and he disappears. They push him into this elevator

and the doors close and this guy vanishes. And we never see this guy again. This is the end. Tate never hurt him. He never punched him. All he did, even when he kicked him, he only kicked him to get the guy to react and then pulled him. Like, he kicked him light. He just hit him with a light inside leg kick

and Tate was so confident about it. He was just coming off the ultimate fighter. He kicked him light. He just hit him with a light inside leg kick and Tate was so confident about it. He was just coming off the ultimate fighter. He's just fighting professional fighters a couple of weeks ago. Leg kicks this guy, drags him to the ground. I'm obsessed with small details in stories. They make a story for me. My favorite parts of this story is that

you guys are sharing adjoining rooms. Eddie Bravo's there. I love that. I love that because what you have is a coach in that story. I love that you say a subtle leg kick, and then he throws him into an omoplata. Like the fact that that makes a story so fucking good. And then when the security guard comes up, you go, don't worry. My friend's a professional fighter. He's just going to put him to sleep. Well, I didn't say that.

I didn't say he was a professional fighter. I said, don't worry. He's not going to get hurt. He's just going to put him to sleep. And so when I say he's just going to put him to sleep, it all started because the dude said something, and then Tate said something like, relax, dude. And the guy backed away.

And then Eddie Bravo, Eddie Bravo goes, you're the one who's talking shit and then backing up. And when he said that, because Eddie kind of instigated it a little bit. The guy got what's coming. Don't get me wrong. Because the guy was the one who told Tate that was his room. The guy was the one who banged on the door. But when Tate came out of the room with zero fear in his eyes and a slight smirk, I think

the dude, even through his drunken haze, was going, I might have just stuck my fucking hand in the wrong bee's nest. I've done that. You get into a fight with a guy and then then he smiles, and you see he has adult braces, and you're like, oh, I'm fucked. I got to get the fuck out of here. Adult braces make you vulnerable. Why would adult braces be a sign?

That's a sign of vanity. No, you don't read people the way I do. I'd be confident. If I saw a grown man with adult braces, I'd be like, what about your nose? No. What are you going to do about your ears once you fix your teeth? That's so interesting. You got a weird headline weird headline son I'm going to fuck you up I read it as a guy whose kids didn't care about

his dad and mom didn't care about his smile so they didn't care about slapping around so he's tougher than me like I got an appliance when I was like 8 so like I look at it the opposite way I look at like I remember the kids that didn't get appliances and braces and they were the kids who

parents let them smoke cigarettes. And I was like, oh, fuck that. I'm not fucking with that guy. That's interesting. Yeah, I read it opposite. Hey, can you do... I know you're not going to like this idea. Well, then keep talking. Sometimes I feel like I read you when I shouldn't read you.

But then I... Okay. Just me or everybody? You specifically. You're the most, you're like a fucking squirrel. I can never figure out where you're going. Like, I go, Joe will think this is funny, and then I say it, and then you go, why would you say that? And then I go, fuck. But, okay, here's my thought. What if you did like an entourage show?

Never. Stop right now. See? What do I say? No shows. Motherfucker. Done. This is it.

Hold on. Stop. Back it up. Back it up. Back it up. Back it up. Back it up. Let me just...

Can I pitch it? Please. Let's go to Outlet Stores. What about, like, ten years ago? Ten years ago? Yeah, like, I don't want it now, but, like, ten years ago, where you cast it, you write it, but about your life All fear factor

What? Hanging out with mixed martial artists What? Living the wild Like pot Times Early beginnings of fame Much like Entourage

Which I was a fan of Maybe not everyone was Nothing This one as well as the time I pitched The snake tamer to Russell Simmons. I thought you were going to say the snake taint. Snake. No.

But wouldn't that be? I'd like to see that. These old stories. Does a snake have a taint? They don't really have a taint. It's just a line. Do snakes have dicks? How do snakes fuck?

On top of each other, I think. I think they have an internal dick. Yeah, it goes into their body, but it comes out, I'm sure. You guys are so technical. You guys should probably teach science courses on snake fucking. Bird Crack, sir. Brian Redman.

Out of respect for my friend Justin Collett. We'll be drinking Maker's Mark. No, I'm done, dude. I'm done. No, just produce it. Not starting it. It's over. It's over.

Why? Because any time I'm done, dude. I'm done. No, just produce it. Not starring it. It's over. It's over. Why? Because any time I'm spending producing a television show, it's time that I'm not playing freeze tag with my kids. I'm not doing it. I got enough time in this world. I'm doing podcasts. I'm doing UFC commentary. I'm doing stand-up comedy and sleeping.

I just love those old stories Don't be scared Homie.com Time to get some ice Yeah I have no desire To be involved in anything Scripted ever again

I'm doing You know I'm doing an episode Of Mark Maron's show Coming up I'm psyched about that I'll do like little episodes Of shit

But There's a lot of things I want to do, man. I want to be a pilot. I want to fucking go to the moon. I want to fucking wrestle bears. How about- I would love to learn how to fly planes. I just don't have the time.

It's a lot. I get obsessed with shit very easily. So my problem is never not having things to do. My problem is never being bored. My problem is the total opposite. My problem is, God damn it, it's not having things to do. My problem is never being bored. My problem is the total opposite. My problem is, God damn it, there's not enough time to do everything. There's not enough time to do everything. It does feel like that.

I wanted to learn how to fly helicopters after being in New Zealand. Have you seen Bill Burr's new special? For everybody who's listening to this podcast, please, I am apologetic to the extreme right now. I know I've been repetitive about this. I love when someone does a special that is legit funny. And Bill Burr's new special is legit funny. And he's got a bit about fucking helicopters. It's one of the funniest, silliest, goofiest bits.

I love it. It's a fucking great bit. It released the day I went to Tokyo. And I bought yours. It was the last one I bought. I get it on. It's super simple. Go on ComedyCentral.com.

I got yours. Well, you can actually download mine, right? Netflix doesn't let you download it. You have to stream it. So you can't, like, load it onto. No, I got it on my iPad Mini. I got it on my iPad Mini. Netflix lets you do that?

Comedy Central. It was the link you put up. No, mine. Mine. Yeah. But I'm saying Bill Burrs is on Netflix. I don't think Netflix... I think they just said recently they're not going to allow you to ever watch things offline.

Right? Isn't that... Yeah. Is that the case? That's unfortunate. Isn't that unfortunate? Well, yeah. You've got to deal with the buffering.

But planes. What about fucking planes? That's where I watch everything. Can you load it up? Can you load Bill's podcast up and then buffer it up on a plane? Can you load it? You can't do it. You can download it.

You can't download it. But you can't download it because you can't watch it online. You have to stream it. So if you're flying to Australia, you couldn't watch something on Netflix. I could see yours. I had yours on my iPad Mini. You can download mine. You pay five bucks.

You own it. That's yours. And had yours on my iPad Mini. You can download mine. You pay five bucks, you own it. That's yours. And it didn't take that long to download. Right now, unless they have it also on iTunes, it will be available later probably on iTunes. Yeah, but like a year later. I feel like I'm waiting out the wave to find out how the fuck to do an hour these days. Because I don't know. It's like everyone was like, oh, put it online for five bucks, like Louis C.K.

And now it's like, oh, everyone does Netflix. Oh, you can't watch it online. Do it on comedy. I like the fact that yours, the way yours was done for me personally as a user was a lot more user-friendly. Well, the reason why I did this latest one with both is because I knew my first, the last one I did, it was good to release it online. Yeah, it was good to release it online and do the five buck thing. And it made all its money back.

And it made some money. But then I sold it to Comedy Central, so it made more money. But the Comedy Central model, the way they're doing it now, allows you to do both. They put it on regular television and then they have it uncensored 18 minutes longer on the internet. That's what I want. I don't want the one. I'm never going to watch Comedy Central. It's perfect. It's both.

But you might. I mean, look, it's good to have it. Like if someone's flipping through the channels and they catch your special and you're killing, they go, holy shit, Bert Kreischer is fucking hilarious. Sebastian Maniscalco. I saw his a lot two nights ago I couldn't sleep a man cave and it was on and I said you know I don't think I've ever seen him live I did the same well I have seen him live but I did the same thing I was watching on Showtime in my hotel room and I was like holy shit this is a really good special fucking tested him I texted I didn't text him oh you son of a

bitch text him now bitch his brilliance is in his simplicity ah let's go keep going keep going forward yeah well he's a funny dude he's a good dude too but the point being that i know him already and i already know he's funny and i enjoyed it watching it on tv randomly flipping through the dials boom look it's sebastian okay let's see what sebastian's up to and i watch a special really good uh yeah i don't know i'm doing my next hour special is going to be at the dc improv at 11 a.m in the morning what a good idea it's my calling sick to work tour that's the appropriate response Such a shit idea

No For people to actually work No it's been selling out I bet it has Yeah Well if you want degenerates And fucking people on welfare In your audience

No A bunch of people on I go and do radio Unemployment And I drink at radio sometimes And then I go right to Sometimes Sometimes a lot of times

But yeah Most But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah

But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah

But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah

But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah

But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah But yeah. Sometimes. A lot of times. But yeah, I've been doing the Colin Sick to Work show. It's been selling out everywhere. So you've been doing 11 a.m. shows all over the country? 11 a.m. shows all over the country.

You're serious? I'm being dead serious. I thought you were joking. No. That's weird. First one was in D.C. Sold out in 20 minutes. Is it weird doing comedy during the day, though?

I mean, during the day. The clubs look identical to the night. The only thing I'm afraid is that I'm not giving them something different enough. So like in Pittsburgh came like 30 tickets away from selling out. Mitch Fattel came in and did a set and we all dressed in matching I wish, maybe I'm overthinking

it, but I feel like there should be something more for an 11 a.m. show. But it's like St. Paddy's Day. It's like why can't St. Paddy's Day? I love St. Paddy's Day. Okay, I'm taking this shit to the next level. I need to find a spot to do a 5 a.m. show. 4 a.m. 4. to find a spot to do a 5 a.m. show. 4 a.m. 4.20 a.m.

Nope, 5 a.m. 4.20 is passe. Do it. I'm tired of it. Joe, Joe. I don't want you to be able to stay awake. Joe. I want you to have to get up.

Joe, do you know how much fun a 5 a.m. show is? You're taking away the brilliance of that idea, which you just said is genius. I want to set my alarm to wake up to have something to look forward to. Yeah, but really bizarre. Like everybody there knows they fucked up. Everybody knows that they got there at 5 a.m. No. Or did they share 5 a.m. with Joe Rogan in Edmonton?

Well, there's that. Not Edmonton. I'm not doing Edmonton, dude. Let's just say Calgary. Those people have jobs. Denver. We need to do it in America. Can't be in Canada where it's cold. Denver. 5 a. jobs. Denver. We need to do it in America. Can't be in Canada where it's cold.

Denver. 5 a.m. show. Nope. You do it. It's got to be somewhere weird like Albuquerque. Okay. But there's no comedy club in Albuquerque. So we're going to have to do somewhere weirder.

Somewhere weirder like Nashville. South Dakota. Nashville. Nashville at 5 in the morning. Nashville. A 5 a.m. show. Egg sandwiches, coffee, Prozac. But the best egg sandwiches you've ever had.

In Nashville? In mimosas. No. The best egg sandwiches you've ever had come from the Rogan residence. Because I have chickens that wander around. And they pick grass. And they have these eggs that have this dark orange yolk that tastes delicious. You don't even know what eggs taste like.

Here's what I want. Can I do this? You've been buying some city slicker eggs. Best thing in Vietnam. With all your pale blonde yolks. Best thing in Vietnam was their egg sandwiches. Light, crispy Vietnamese breads with two over-easy eggs dumped inside it. With this hot sauce that was amazing.

Best things I've ever had. I've ate fucking. I'm going to bring a Vietnamese woman to your house to make egg sandwiches. Guess what? You're not. You can bring her to my house. Not doing that. You're not teaching that chick where I live.

Teach him. Don't teach him that chick. I'm going to teach you good. Hey, where's the camera right now? Trying to school you. Can you move it another way? Why, trying to do something? I want to party.

You want to smoke a joint and the Travel Channel doesn't let you. No, I don't know. Your slave masters prohibit you from using certain unauthorized medicines. I don't use marijuana. Plant medicines. Even when the federal government is... The federal government has recently relaxed all of its legislation

when it comes to medical marijuana, which, by the way, we all have prescriptions, and you do, I think, by proxy. I will self-diagnose you as an internet physician. I believe you need marijuana. I feel it's important for almost everything you do.

And everything you do without marijuana is to the detriment of the human race. Hey, I just keep thinking of this fucking owl thing. And the guy standing outside Gelson's and people are coming up with bird feedering slapping out of their hands what the fuck you doing they're like and the guy pulls him aside he goes hey man there's another way we can cut down trees some asshole i love one of those two-handed saws like a fucking pioneer i love this fucking life pilgrim with his shitty saw Have you seen these new... Dude, there's these new fucking...

These new machines that... They cut the tree. They strip all of the branches off the tree. All the bark off the tree. They saw it in the sections and drop it. Have you seen these things? No. Pull these things up there's

these new machines that they use and it's almost unfair it's like i've been talking about this lately like we have a weird hierarchy when it comes to animals and because fish we don't think of necessarily a fish as animals the way we think of as like lamb or cows. Do you know why Patrice O'Neill said they weren't? What? Because they don't have eyebrows. He said you can't see them look at you like, oh, what the fuck did you just do? That's so true. That's really true.

Well, they're not, you know, they don't live in our world. The thing about fish, they live in that weird world. That weird, wet world. I mean, if I'm going to eat anybody, I'm going to eat some dude from another planet, right? If I'm going to eat a person, if it comes between eating some guy who lives down the street from me or eating some guy who lives on Avatar,

I'm going to eat the Avatar. What is this? This is one of the machines. There's a few different kinds of machines. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're talking about the ones that grab the trees? It grabs a tree, pulls it out of the ground, cuts it in half. I mean, all on the spot.

It's the most. Oh, I've seen that where it's just. Yeah. It's crazy. It's almost unfair. It's almost unfair how it does it. But anyway, the way we treat fish is so different than the way we treat any animal. If we had, if there was a video of people taking cows in a net and just scooping them up with tanks,

they roll tanks across the field, drag these nets, scoop these cows up, hoist them up in the air, and they just suffocate them. Just suffocate them. They don't even kill the fish. They don't even kill tuna. They just let them die. They don't kill them. They pull them out of the water and go, yeah, I guess that's it.

You think we could maybe have a bullet in the brain? Nah, man. Bullets are expensive. Hey, man, make it this easy. You just gotta suffocate. Hey, in a couple minutes, you'll be dead as fuck, so don't sweat it. We just pull them out of the water. Can you imagine if we just, every time someone killed

a cow, they killed it with a pillow? Do you know how much people would freak out? The visual of just dumping, visually dumping cows onto a flat. Just like a big boat. Dude, outrage. Oh my God, people would freak out. If you had a boat, but it was on tractor wheels, and it was in the middle of a cornfield, and you're scooping cows up and dropping them on their fucking heads.

People would freak out. But the same people would say, I don't eat meat. I don't eat animals. But occasionally I'll have some sushi. If my blood feels thin, I'll have some sushi. Because we don't think of fish as being the same as a deer, a beautiful deer. I've definitely, it's a thing you're talking about taking first-time hunters out. I've definitely caught fish and killed fish and flayed them and scaled them.

You don't feel bad at all, right? I have no remorse. However, I was around someone when they killed a buffalo, and it was weird. It's dark. I was like, I don't know was like, I don't know where. What are you watching? Whatever happened to the trees that we're pulling down? Two guys, one fish.

Have you seen this? Don't want to watch it. Stop. I want to see this. Come on, man. Yeah, I was looking for it. Don't take matters into your own hands. Go find the fucking video that we were just talking about.

I love the way Brian's non-sequitur brain works. He goes, two guys, one fish. Have you seen this? Yeah, it has nothing to do with what we're talking about. You know what's so funny? I had to work fish in it. We're trying to find a really profound video on the efficiency of these machines that are chopping down logs. It's almost like you're watching it and going, whoa, whoa, it's too fast.

It's supposed to be an ax. It's supposed to take time. This is a life form. You don't respect it You're stealing thousands of them Yeah yeah That's the machine Now find that shit in a video

It's a gif Watch this Dude It is fucking crazy Look It cuts the machine Or the machine cuts the log Look at this

It strips it And just starts sawing it into fucking sections It's crazy It cuts it in literally two seconds Lifts this giant tree in the air, this tractor arm strips these logs of branches, and then saws it into like 20 foot or 12 foot sections, whatever the fuck they are. Whatever the name of that machine is, I've had that blowjob before. Whoa.

Just teethy, just... You need to complain before it cuts your dick off. You need to complain as it starts its process of... I'm not good at vocalizing my needs. If we did what we do to fish, to any other animal, people would freak out. We have a weird hierarchy. We could probably do it to hamsters. No!

People love mammals. There's something weird. But why can't we do it to dolphins then? Is it because they make noises? They're smart. But no, no, but is it because- They're really smart. No, everybody knows.

They're the same. Like a shark dies on the deck of a boat. No one, they go, you know, yeah, we had to catch a big shark. That was killing people. Right. Fish die, but dolphins make noises, and whales do too. I wonder if that's why those are the two animals that society is averse to killing that are in the water. You know what I mean?

Right. Well, they're mammals. We're averse to killing all the mammals. Oh, yeah. We're averse to killing whales and orcas and seals and sea lions. Anything that's a mammal that breathes air, we have an affinity to things that breathe the same shit that we breathe. We're really weird.

Things that can breathe underwater, like, oh, you bitches. You're not even us. Fuck you guys. Freshmen. I mean, what is the difference between a fucking seal and a tuna? Can someone tell me?

Are seals smarter? Do they use tools? Do they have language? Do they use emojis? Do they fucking have Facebook pages? They're dirty, cunty animals with goofy teeth. Okay? What's the difference between them and some anglerfish or a tuna or a halibut?

Nothing. They're just life forms that aren't people. But when you beat them, they cry. That's what it is. Do seals cry when you beat them? I'm thinking walruses Walruses are inherently more cunty than seals Because of their teeth

They have teeth privilege It's white privilege and it's long and it's hard It's both It's white teeth privilege Which is worse than even regular white privilege I wish sea life could breathe You have fangs You can't feel bad for things with fangs

Can you imagine all fish and all sea life could breathe in- You have fangs. You can't feel bad for things with fangs. Can you imagine if all fish and all sea life could breathe in space, and then you could just have fish swimming around in space? Imagine if fish could just pop out of the ocean, just shoot right up to the moon. That's genius! What if you could throw a fish, and if you got it high enough, it just went to the moon, and you're like, fuck yeah!

You could do that all night long. If you had a slingshot that was sufficiently powerful enough that could launch a fucking big mouth bass to the moon. What if it was only 35 feet and you just were sitting with your friends like... I know. We sort of take it for granted that the Earth's atmosphere is what? You know, like 300 miles or something like that of air. 300 miles up, it's just

fucking space, right? Like, that's where the space station is. It's all like 200 plus miles up. But imagine if it wasn't 200 miles, just a mile. All you have to do is, you get that fish, a mile... That'd be awesome. You have this fucking super slingshot that shoots

fucking Northern Pike a mile into the sky and once you do they just swim around the earth yeah and then they just swim in space like they're travelers like you'll see dolphins you could have an app the best part of that is like after you sling it up that 13 seconds later you're like is it gonna hit the ground next to us you can have an app that would trace the fish that you put the little badge on put Put a little drop cam. Put a drop cam on your fish. You can track your fish. You can track your fucking stupid slingshot fishes

and flies around the earth. And imagine if things didn't starve to death, if they could just live off space air. Why not? Why do you have to eat things? Who said it? Says who? How come fucking plants aren't eating shit?

They're just sucking things out of the dirt. How about you learn to suck shit out of space, stupid? Gosh. You get a big, your mouth stretches out, and you become just like a big micrometeor suction cup. Just sucking fucking space dust and radiation. You live off radiation. We're like a caterpillar. We need to start a Kickstarter for this.

Yeah. You change. You morph. Once you go into space, imagine if we found that out, that people go into space. We can live, but we become a totally different thing. We become some weird micrometia suction cup. We're just up there floating around like a jellyfish in the universe, sucking particles and radiation out of the sky.

Pitch it to me though like this is what it is you think a caterpillar when a caterpillar's living it's funky ass caterpillar life chewing on leaves and shit do you think those motherfuckers know one day they'll be flying if they did they'd be like can i fly now what about now what about now no you don't ever get to talk to them they're stupid caterpillars just keep eating your leaves like your genes dictate. And one day, you'll huddle up in a little cocoon and pop out a magnificent, floating, literally a fairy. I mean, what's the difference between a fairy and a butterfly? Fairies are stupid.

That's the difference. Butterfly, you can see what happens. Fairies don't even make sense. Do they die? Why do they die? They're magic. Can't you figure out a way to make them live forever? How did the fairies fuck? Where did new fairies don't even make sense do they die why do they die they're magic can't you figure out a way to make them live forever how did the fairies fuck where do new fairies come from

fairies come with too many problems okay but butterflies even in the gestation process in the process of becoming a butterfly from being a caterpillar it's nothing but beautiful nature it's nothing but cocoons and and breaking free in the moment the first the first wings flutter and then launching itself instinctively into the air and just flying around as a butterfly knowing what does it have like four or five days until it dies of old age if it's lucky who knows what does a butterfly live to be a month what difference does it make four days 20 days it's not a year they don't live that long they die quick as fuck they don't even care they just just follow through with that process their

reward is literally being able to negotiate through 3d space and this exuberant sort of orgasm orgasmic way that you'll never experience as a fucking lowly human being with bones and flesh. They just fly. Fly from plant to plant, sucking nectar out. Would you trade it? Nope! Nope! Hold on, hear the pitch. At all. I'll tell you right now. What about

you get 40 years of your life and the last 30 you are technically the human version of the butterfly. You can fly. You feel 100% perfect. You can dive into water and dive to the deepest.

You're magical for 30 years. I keep waiting for it, but you got to do some gay shit. No. Because that's where, like, whenever... Yeah, you have to be a fairy. You got to suck dicks, like, the whole time. No, but, like, would you trade? You can only gotta sign dicks Like the whole time No but like

Would you trade You can only breathe through dicks Three quarters of your life You can only breathe through dicks You don't necessarily have to starve to death But you gotta breathe through dicks Are you in And you're just tearing through West Hollywood

While you're tearing through space You gotta find dicks in space. Space dicks. They contain oxygen. That's what... Just big, giant, juicy dicks that are attached to clouds. Oh, good lord. God bless me.

Oh, someone make a gif of that. Big cloud dick. Big, giant dicks attached to clouds You're sucking on them From fucking station to station As you float through heaven I'm sure there's people out there offended right now I think there are people lost

I'm with you I'm with you Whatever's happened on the show Bert and I didn't plan it. Nope. We're not happy about it. It's not what we expected. We were hoping for some stories about Vietnam.

I called Bert up the other day. This is how rare Bert Kreischer is. What are you doing, man? Riding motorcycles in Vietnam! There's not a single person I know where i can call them up in the middle of the day i go what's up dude what are you doing man oh i'm riding motorcycles in vietnam who the fuck says that bert kreischer every time i call bert oh i'm on a roller coaster in angola i'm on top of a mountain on a zip line whoa i'm talking to you on Bluetooth. This is crazy. I sound like Mr. Bill.

There's a new show called Mr. Bert. Oh, no. Oh, no. That is a real conversation, is it not? I called you up. You said you're riding motorcycles in Vietnam. It was very real. It was very real.

Yeah. And I listed off like nine different things I'd done last week, and you were like, what the fuck? The fuck? You kept going. I forget the and you were like, what the fuck? The fuck? You kept going. I forget the word you're using, but I loved it. You were like, you're a madman. You're a madman. You're a madman.

You are. You're living the life of a madman. You're out there fucking going to different countries almost every month experiencing some wild, crazy shit, dude. You're jumping out of fucking planes and you're on there's animals involved in your behavior there's a lot of shit going down dude you're doing a lot of crazy trips it's been it's scuba diving scuba diving was the one that fucked me up the most how deep did you go burke kreischer 80 feet what the fuck burke kreischer that's a big space there was a wreck down there a boat Very similar to the one that I got off on.

There was a fucking boat. That's a fucking daunting thought. You're getting off a boat, looking at a boat that failed, going, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Thinking the last time anyone saw this, it was all panic. Like, this is a boat's last moment. This is, I'm going to a fucking wreck. I'm going to a place of terror. It's like visiting a crime scene.

Where was this again? Fiji. Fiji. And they bring us out, horrible weather. What year did the boat crash? 40s, I think. Everything around Fiji crashed in the 40s. 1940s?

Yeah, yeah. Everything has to do with World War II. Whoa. So, yeah, it's stormy weather, six-foot seas, and we get in the water. And I always say, like, if you think you'd love scuba diving, you'd love scuba diving. But if you think you may not enjoy it, you'll fucking hate it. Like, it is not one of those for the faint of heart. Yeah, but you are a guy.

This is a fascinating thing about you, man. You're a guy who's had your anxiety issues. You've talked about it. This is Bert Kreischer, lean and mean, looking sexy as fuck. Same amount of hair loss. But yet you do a lot of, like, really crazy shit. You do a lot of, like, wild trips with these people. This show, Trip Flip, brings you all over the world.

You're doing some things that you would think that someone who would have anxiety or who would think about all the variables in life and kind of panic a little bit, you wouldn't be drawn to this, but you excel at this. So you're, in a lot of ways, you're a contradiction, man. You're a contradiction. Yeah, I don't know. I can't figure it out. I wish I could. I can figure you out in a way. How? I don't know. I can't figure it out. I wish I could.

I can figure you out in a way. How? Okay, I'm going to tell you something about you. Okay, you're this like really happy-go-lucky guy, but you're also very competitive. I saw you play pool. When you played pool, you wanted to win. You wanted to win, right? I'm not.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. A little bit of bird is bullshit. a little bit of bird is bullshit a little bit of bird is bullshit you're you're being kind you're being kind you're a sweetheart of a guy but you're like hey who cares who wins you want to fucking win dude right am i right yeah i noticed it no there's not there's not like a there's a fire in your eyes I was like ooh I have the thing I have the same thing you have where I go

I don't know this is a horrible topic no no no no no no this is a horrible topic this is a good topic dude this is bad listen I'll give you I'll give you way better

I'll give you way better I had a really hard time liking people if I lost to them in anything until I was almost 30 I really had a hard I couldn't I didn't liking people if I lost to them in anything until I was almost 30. I really had a hard time. I didn't like people if I lost to them.

I didn't like them. Yeah. Like, I couldn't be your friend. Like, if we played chess and you beat me in chess, I wanted to kill you. It's retarded. It's so dopey. It's such a really bad way of managing thoughts. I connect with that.

All I'm saying is you wanted to win a game of pool in a weird way. Can I tell you what I... By the way, this is way... This is way not what I wanted. How bad do you want to win that game, Bert Kreischer? I am afraid that I... Are you afraid of your father, Bert? No.

Brian, what about the time he pissed on the table? The father-in-law's table, he's pissing. You're afraid? Clouds for tips. You're not going to make me fight. Come on, man. You wanted to win that game, dude. I know when dudes want to win.

I'm like, ooh, it smells hot in here. Dude, this is a horrible conversation. No, it's a good win. Like, ooh, it smells hot in here. Dude, this is a horrible conversation. No, it's a good conversation. Let's just fucking drop it. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, you're a beautiful human being. I'm not calling you out. No. What I'm saying is, when I say a little bit of Bird's bullshit, is like,

there's a reason why you're such a funny guy. There's a reason why you're such a good comic. And one of the reasons why is because you're so likable. You know, you're like so ingratiating. You're such a good comic and one of the reasons why is because you're so likable you know you're like so ingratiating you're such a good guy but you're not a pushover like there's a reason why you're successful too is like you know when to be nice when to be not nice and when you engage you in a little game that's when you get to see oh there's a fire under

the hood of Bert Kreischer look we played one game of pool I know that's what's so exciting about it I I have I empathize with like I'm gonna say this I'm I'm about there's I'm just be honest I empathize with guys like Todd Glass where I feel like sometimes I hear him on podcasts and he is the butt of every joke. And I always constantly know that Todd isn't, that he's a super talented dude who's amazing on and off with the nicest guys in the world. I think my fear in college was that I wasn't this dude who, like, I'm not that guy that's like, two girls, one chick? Fuck yeah.

That's not me. But I also felt like that took something away. Two girls, one chick is three girls's not me but i also felt like that took something away girls one chick is three girls yeah one of them why are we talking about this thing two guys and a chick right like that's not me i can't do that i've never had that in my dna but but i've always felt like uh like i do there's if you're not competitive you're not male and and i i never want people to think I'm a really nice guy, but I never want to think about a pushover that you could steal from. Yes. But sadly, and way too fucked up to have this conversation, I feel like that I am that guy that I've been so nice that I've been taken advantage of. Well, you have.

And I know you have because we've talked about people that you are friends with or you've had bad experiences with and you know i i don't think there's anything wrong with being competitive i think and not only that i think being competitive is good for everybody around you because i think that especially if you're competitive like with a a game or something that you're trying to get better at a game and another guy's trying to get better at a game when you start doing that it it it fires up your intensity level. Like, it doesn't necessarily have to be a negative thing. Right. Why can't you enjoy negative?

It's a negative thing if you fall short. If you fall short, you want to blame it on the other person instead of blaming it on yourself. But if, like, we play pool and I miss a shot and you run eight balls and you sink the nine ball and you win, that is not... All I did was fuck up. You did amazing shit i should be psyched yeah like you should be psyched you should be like wow man i gotta step it up but some guys

like this motherfucker like you feel it and it's it's literally just a thought management life i know some people who look at life that way and it's this this like take a little bit of a shot back and they start barking and they think their bark is important and this is and we've both been guilty everyone in this room's been guilty of that right yes right 100 that's a that's that's a natural human behavior especially when you're young and some guys even you know it's like 10 years is not as much time as you think it is everybody wants to think it's a long time i mean it can be if you're in jail if you're in a bad job or a relationship 10 years can take a long time yeah but it also can

be incredibly quick and what you learn in a 10-year span is like you know it's not that much sometimes some some people you know especially when you're busy you don't really don't really grow that much in 10 years that's so true the, the, the capacity you have not to grow in a three year period is shocking. Especially if you're busy. If you're busy, especially if you're busy doing some shit you don't necessarily want to do. Oh, but there's nothing wrong.

Point being, there's nothing wrong with being competitive. The real problem is getting upset at people who are better than you at shit. You should be happy. That's me. I celebrate everyone, but there is a competitive bone in should be happy. That's me. I celebrate everyone. But there is a competitive bone in my body. Like, trust me when I say, Bill Burr told a joke on Conan about cancer.

It was really out there. Was it during the Lance Armstrong rant? Nope. We're talking about Lance Armstrong having ball cancer? Nope. It was, and Bill, I'm sure I'm fucking this up, but I appreciate the joke. Is that the is that the fact that the NFL is now going to take over cancer, and in the middle of the game they

shut it down, and then they stop for a moment of silence for cancer, and then they start the game back up, and I'm supposed to be there. And he goes, I would never do that in a fucking living room with my buddy. Like, stop a movie and go, hey, my dad died of pancreatic, and then start it back up again. Now, I'll tell you this. That's so true. It's a great fucking, it's something that I've seen a ton of and thought a ton of, but haven't thought of.

Now, my competitiveness is not with Bill Burr. I respect Bill Burr beyond a doubt. You just wish you had thought, you had already thought of the idea, you just never did anything with it. And that doesn't go, look, and this is going to sound cunty, but that doesn't go away the more a man you are. I will always respect my friends. And I say guys that I don't talk to that much.

But Daniel Tosh, I will always respect the way he writes jokes. I'm also, in my head, I'm concerned that my joke writing isn't to par with his. Or that my work ethic. And that's where I fail. My work ethic isn't to par with his. I hung up with Stan Hope. His work ethic is beyond mine, but our partying level is at par. And so I definitely look at Doug as like an inspiration.

I go, how do I get to where Doug's at? To where I'm partying like really hard. But writing. But still writing. Yeah. I mean, I just, I feel like I'm in a sabbatical with this trip flip. And you said this to me the other day. And now I'm hammered.

You said this to me the other day. You go, I said, yeah. Drink a bottle of champagne. You said, if you, I just grabbed a glass that wasn't there. You said, are you writing about this shit that you're doing? Because I told you three things I did. Yeah. And I was like, ah.

You got to write about it. You should be talking about it on stage. Your act would be so unique. Because who the fuck is going to talk about riding motorcycles in Vietnam? Jamie, show him the rope swing I did in Utah, in Moab. Are we saying this in air quotes, or is it a real rope swing? No, I was feeling the lava lamp. I was feeling the lava lamp.

No, but if you're going the rope swing, you're hanging on to it. Can I tell you what I thought? I thought I have superhuman powers, and I could feel the lava lamp from far away, and I was like, hmm. Probably you do. It just turns out it's hot.

Well, that's superhuman powers. Fucking. That's it. Not that strong. I love this part of my life. S's superhuman powers fucking that's it not that strong i love this slightly superhuman this part of your life every part this is we did this whoa what is this this guy's brain uh what's up with his hat he's uh he's young go back to the clip go back to the clip he's young what are you doing is there are we not supposed to show this or something? No, no, no. This is what we did. Will this get us pulled from YouTube? Is that why you guys are doing this?

A little bit. Maybe. Oh, then pull it off. So what are you doing? You're on like a rope? It's a canyon swing. Oh, my God. That's the Corona Arch.

You're swinging off of like a bungee cord or some shit? It's a rope. It's a climbing rope. Two climbing ropes. Oh, fuck. Christ. Dude. Berg Kreischer.

Why? Why scare people like this? I don't, you know, man. What if it breaks? You go flying through the air. If it breaks, you know, they tell you not to wear a helmet because they're like, you don't want what happens. Oh, you're right.

You just want to die. Just die. God damn, dude. This guy, Devin Supertramp, really is fantastic. How fast are you going when this is happening? Oh, at least 80 miles an hour. Jesus Christ, dude. Oh, at least 80 miles an hour. Jesus Christ, dude. Oh, my God.

But, yeah, this whole season has been really insane shit like this where you just are like. Fuck that. Yeah, you're skydiving. You're doing all kinds of nutty shit, man. But you get in touch with the. Your inner paranoia? Oh, dude, you get in touch with the... I wish I didn't feminize this, but the little bitch in your heart that goes,

that goes, hey, man, what are we doing? And you're like, oh, I don't fucking know. The little bitch in your heart. That should be the title of your next special. Cloud dick. You should do a story. You should do your next special all on these crazy vacations and then call your next special The Little Bitch in Your Heart

and just talk about the terror that you experience on a semi-weekly basis. What's going on here, Bert Kreischer? Oh, we did this. It's called The Chair of Death. It aired last week. The Chair of Death. It's a 420-foot free fall rope swing in New Zealand. Rope swings are the best, man.

If I could open up a rope swing company, and if you're out there and any of you guys are listening, I know how great the reach of this show works. I want to get into rope swings. Like, they're fucking next level. They're so much more fun than bungee, so much more safer than unattached free fall. Don't you worry about them breaking? No No no no no no

Trust your equipment Nope I don't worry I don't worry Because if you start worrying Joe You're up at 2am In fucking New Zealand Spiraling out in the shower

Thinking I got bigger things than this Yeah It's It is So what happens here? You lean yourself back Explain this to the people

Or just audio Which is like 90% of the people. It is literally a diving board 490 feet above. Okay, so you're sitting, this woman is sitting in a chair with her back to the edge of this platform that is many hundreds of feet over the ground. Imagine sitting on the back of a diving board at 500 feet over the ground. Right. And you are pushing your own chair backwards like you're in your office yeah and you're casually relaxing until you go over too far and then what these guys are doing on the ledge is they stop her they stop her about nine times so she feels like she may fall they stop her

and then they bring her back and go hey whoa what are you doing and then so it so how far does she fall the the stats are are on there um i think it's 420 420 feet yeah what the fuck it is 120 feet free i'll be real honest free fall at 420 is a moment when you're done you're like i'm either dead and in heaven or that was the greatest thing I ever fucking did in my life. Oh, my God. Let me do it with you. I did your show.

We shot clay pigeons with no worry whatsoever about the repercussions. I'll tell you what. We shot some shotguns at some pellets or some discs. That was really fun. It was fun, man. Shotgunning, like shooting shotguns at discs is really fun. It's really hard to judge. Like if you've never shot a shotgun before,

like I might have shot a shotgun like maybe once or twice ever before I did that. And so doing it was really interesting. It's like you think about those people that were shooting guns way back in the day. Their sights were so archaic. The idea was just like there was a point that you had to line up with this thing at the end. And that's how you looked and you tried to figure out. And you had to shoot a lot of shots. Now you have these goddamn super powerful optics.

And you just get that crosshair on. As long as you don't flinch, just pull and squeeze the trigger, boom. Most of them are pretty goddamn accurate. But like shotguns, like shotguns is just down the barrel. Things are flying. Things are moving. And the shotgun doesn't shoot as fast as a bullet. It's not like you can just hold it in place.

And like it has like a slightly slower projectile. You've got to shoot it up in front. Yeah, you've got to kind of anticipate where the bird is going to be or the clay pigeon is going to be when the shells or when the pellets, rather, are in the air. So you have to almost lead it. It's really interesting. It's fun. It's what I respect in bow hunting.

My buddy Russell Matthews, when we grew up, was a big-time bow hunter. Compound bow. Him and his dad went every weekend. And that's the only person I ever shot compound bows with. But the artistry of bow hunting, you need one area to hit it in. And it's fucking heat of the moment. It's very different than pulling a gun up and just pulling the trigger. It's definitely.

It's getting your cell phone out, your wallet, your keys. It's like getting your shit together. The argument against it, though, is that if you don't know what you're doing, you're more likely to wound an animal. I actually agree with that. I agree with that. It is. I mean, it's legit. I think you have a bigger responsibility if you want to try bow hunting than you do if you

want to try rifle hunting because if you hit an animal in the body with a rifle most likely it's dead it's if you have a real high powered rifle it's going to hit the body like even if you're not perfectly where the heart is or perfectly where the lungs are it's going to blow through everything that thing's going down most likely but with a arrow man you could like launch an arrow into an animal's shoulder blade, and they could dig into the bone and stick there, and that animal runs away with three legs. You've got to be super careful.

You've got to be really diligent. My wife is a redneck, all hunters in her family, and she calls it cave time. When an animal gets stuck by an arrow and it doesn't know how to help itself, so it goes to the cave and tries to it's where most animals like that die is they go to the cave to try to like like i need to nest but like when i get hurt emotionally my wife would go oh you need some cave time like you're a fucking elk the guy that got stuck in the neck caught in the neck not Caught in the neck. Not bad, but I'm like, this doesn't feel normal.

Yeah, you have to be really sure. There's a crazy animated GIF file from one of the most recent podcast threads where this moose, this guy shoots this arrow at the moose and it's hard to tell because it's a GIF.

It's on high res, so it's hard to tell where the arrow goes, but it looks like the arrow might actually just rocket off the fucking antlers of the moose. It either rockets off the antlers or sticks into his shoulders, but he charges at this dude. That dude's dead, right?

He has to be dead. He might not be. He looked very violent. He might not be, because there might have been more than one person there because there was a guy who was filming it. He wasn't filming it, most likely. He was shooting,

unless it was a GoPro that was on his bow, or he could be dead. Either way. Have you ever ate pigeons? No, but pigeons were brought over to North America for food. They were brought over by people from Europe that regularly ate them as food. We consider them to be pests and rats with wings. If you go to cities and pigeons are shitting all over people's cars and shitting all over people in Manhattan.

People think of them as pests. But they were literally brought to North America as an invasive species specifically to harvest them for food. Donatessin, actually. A lot of them got loose and a lot of them became feral. And now they are what they are now which is like you go to new york city you have flocks of these essentially they're wild pigs that just fly through the sky i mean they're this weird sort of creature that people brought up we just assume that they're natural they're not at all they were brought over here for food oh wow they're not

native to north america at all it's gonna be good really yeah yeah squab if you ever had squab you've heard of squab yeah squab is pigeon i found all this out through steve ranella brought over here as food i'm gonna put i'm gonna google this steve ranella i'll tell you one thing about him he reads insane fucking books about animals and wildlife and subculture. Well, he's had a lifetime of being immersed in this. But his small details about it, I literally just fucking sit there like, how the fuck? The New York City Pigeon Rescue Central.

That's a place to meet girls that cry. If you're like, man, I don't have enough crying chicks in my life. I'm kidding. I don't have enough crying chicks in my life i'm kidding i don't mean that if you're working there and you're angry and you're thinking about blogging on tumblr please don't i don't mean it i'm glad you're helping these pigeons they're cute i think pigeons are adorable um i do i've never eaten a pigeon none of it i think they're cute a lot of people did man pigeons but pigeons were brought over here for food. They were brought over here a long fucking time ago.

The Italians? Yeah, they were brought over here in the 1600s from Europe in Canada as well. It's amazing. You know, pigeons can fly 50 miles an hour. Wow. Yeah. Who times that? Some dude on Wikipedia. Fuck. He's like like who are you in the yard just about to give a person a pigeon a ticket in burbank there's wild uh

parrots like a gang of wild parrots oh yeah i've seen them wow and they it's the loudest thing ever out of nowhere it sounds like murder outside of your house. Whoa, that's weird. Yeah. And if you look online, there's websites devoted to them and stuff, and they look just like normal parrots, but they just go around in this huge gang and just scream. That's pretty dope.

I remember we worked at the West Palm Beach Improv, the old one, way back in the day, uh i they put you up at this condo it was me and maddie kirsch and we looked out the window and there's fucking like parrots like actual parrots on this power line i'm like dude there's like real parrots out here yeah like this is the weirdest shit ever like they're parakeets and parrots. Yeah. I'm like, these are like tropical birds. Like, Miami is the tropics. It is the tropics. It is the tropics.

Yeah. It's barely America, right? Let's be realistic. It's too awesome to be America. It's too crazy. And too many Cubans got in and just made it tropical. They've been in tropical. We're going to Cuba.

Cuba is the- You're going to doa cuba huh you're gonna do a trip flip in cuba oh dude i'd love to open up relations that's one of the best things about the show right now yeah yeah i would love to are those parakeets or parents what are those these are the burbank parrots yeah these are actual parrots actual parrots yeah and do you have to take the video down because of youtube? What? Oh, no, these are just still pictures. Oh, oh. Did they come from people that had them as pets, or where did they come from?

You know, there's just rumors because Disney's there. So a lot of people think that Walt Disney's, it was Walt Disney's parrots, and he just said they were parrots. How should we find out they're fake? They're not parrots. Walt Disney is such a motherfucker. He's got fake parents out there flying around shitting on people

yeah I had a bird I had bird feeders out I bought recently and they found out about it and now they won't leave my house alone they're there like everyday that's amazing dude that's pretty dope they're loud too loud they're annoying as fuck put some ear

plugs on yeah put that let them into your spiritual compass yeah bring them into your center i will that seems like an amazing thing to have in your neighborhood man it's cool it's cool and it's really cool because it's uh i live in equestrian place so there's horses and parents must smell awesome horse shit and bird shit all stewed up together in the Burbank sun. How is it that it's illegal if you don't clean up after your dog, but you're allowed to just have your fucking horse shit everywhere? It's just empty. It's a giant asshole.

It's a 1,200-pound body of stewed grasses. This shit, man. I'm sorry, is this cobblestone? Is this a dirt road, you farmer fuck? Pick up after that donkey. Your donkey just shit all over my Prius. Your donkey's not that

green. This is contributing to global warming. You donkey with his dirty asshole. Brian said he didn't like Paris in his neighborhood because he's in bed with a chick and he's like, the Paris out the back, like, I never said this to anybody!

I never said this to anybody! I've never done this before! Hello? Oh my god, of course I always wear a condom. Brr! Brr! You're crazy, really! It's a fucking parrot suit! Brr!

They would bring the fucking parrots into the courthouse. We would now like to call for the prosecution a witness, the Burbank Parrots. I never said this before. Roofie, what are you talking about?

Are you serious? How could it be? No, two hits is fine. I take two hits all the time and I drive. Ingrown hair. Ingrown hair. It's drive ingrown hair ingrown hair it's an ingrown hair

you know all you need to do is you need to douche with that stuff like plaques that stuff you use for your teeth kills everything it'll kill it all it'll kill it all how about the defense attorney goes And the judge goes

Badgering the witness And he goes, objection And then the prosecutor goes, probably want a cracker Too far Judge Rosenthal would like to ask the Bird a few questions About its owner's Use of

Anti-semitic language i was just gonna say nf yeah f word could you imagine fucking dirty fucking bird what if the bird just combined a bunch of sentences and everybody took this fact like hey hey hey did you guys forget this bird can't fucking talk i say a lot of shit. I'm repetitive, you know? Fucking, if I say, look, I hate assholes, but Jews are awesome. And then this parrot goes, I hate awesome asshole Jews, right? That parrot fucked up the meaning behind everything I stand for. This parrot has got me on a goddamn stand.

You can't even cross-examine this fucking shitty parrot. That's my cat! That's my cat! Niggers! This parrot is fucking doing me in. Could you imagine? The parrot is what... You'd be like, I can't fucking believe we live in a world

where I can get convicted from the ramblings of a fucking thing that can't even talk back. Hey, parrot, what's one plus one? Okay, if I asked a retard what one plus one is and he couldn't answer me, I'm not going to let him prosecute somebody. I'm not going to let him cross-examine people. And when I say retard,

I don't mean anybody with a disease. Just something, somebody really fucking stupid. Fucking Lance had about a cousin. No diseases. Regular genetics. Oh, no, no, no. No chromosomal issues. issues right i think it's the flip side of like something happens and you're uh leanne said it about her cousin today and it was

it's actually mentally backwards slow retarded you're not growing quick enough yeah we were at the for whatever until six in the morning about the fever and that's what happened to her cousin and that's how that conversation started i hope that one day retards are like smallpox there's some shit that we look back on we go wow back in the day like people were idiots and when i say retards again i do not mean a person with a disease i don't mean people with down syndrome i mean just idiots just morons like those god hates fags people on the corner waving their flags. Those are retards, okay? Yeah.

It would be beautiful if one day we cracked the code to what makes a person worth being around. And there's no more retards. We run out of them. I think we're close to that corner. You obviously don't go online that much. No, I think those people don't know, but I think the people that really matter, the people that are going to stop saying, please don't use that word,

have realized that that word is a tad bit outdated and that whatever their child is is categorized into another shade of gray. I wish I wasn't talking about this right now. I know what you're talking about. But I think the parents who go, my son's not retarded, and I know what they used to call that ass,

but that doesn't apply to me. I get what you're saying. I think they're showing up soon. Does that make sense? Well, no. Yeah, I see what you're saying. I think that the idea of calling somebody a derogatory term, that's eventually going to get phased out.

So just like we've abandoned a host of other words over the last 20, 30 years. There was words that were used on television on a regular basis during like the Fred Sanford days, Sanford and Son, that you could never put on network TV today. But I think ultimately that's what the word retard, I mean, if I'm going to be really honest, that's what it feels like. It feels like a word with a shelf life. Yeah, of course. Well, you got to get your licks in now while it's barely acceptable and justify them as you can and just like cast it aside and then hope to paint a similar picture in a different way.

But it's like all of these mean words, whether they're derogatory terms for homosexuals or different ethnicities or whatever the fuck it is, all those mean terms. It's like that's kind of what's being filtered out. If you really look at it objectively, if you stand back and try to take the whole thing in, I think that what we're trying to do is somehow or another through a back door get people to be nicer. is somehow or another, through a back door, get people to be nicer. And one of the ways is to get them to stop saying things that aren't nice to hear, whether it's ethnic slurs or derogatory terms for gay people or derogatory terms for fill-in-the-blank, whatever minority or whatever marginalized group you are. We're trying to prevent that.

So ultimately that's what it is. Even if it gets out of hand or people get too politically correct about it, what's the root of it all? The root of it all seems pretty positive because the root of it all is trying to eliminate hate or trying to eliminate pain or trying to eliminate discomfort.

It seems to me that's what the root of it all is, which is, it's hard to argue against, right? Yeah. I wish I was listening. I'm sorry. Just go back later. See what's up. What is that?

I don't have a problem with guys hitting on me. I know. I know. I got it. I got it. That's someone who made a meme hey listen welcome to the world the internet i still enjoy bird squirts bird squirts.com is it still up i think i'm sure it is i get people as you show you like bird squirts the machine they're just trying to

squirts the machine trying to reach you in a unique way i love it i love that unique touch where you get a guy fucking all right let's are we close to wrapping this up i think we probably should sober you up we got five more minutes to go what do you want to talk about um joe cocker dude rocky mountain high that's not joe cocker yeah it is oh i'm thinking of joe walsh i'm sorry. Joe Walsh, yeah. Joe Walsh, Rocky Mountain High. Yeah. Best drinking over Denver in first class. Great fucking song. With a fucking cocktail looking out over the mountains.

Best song ever. It's Rocky Mountain Way, but yeah. God damn it. It's a great goddamn song. Brian, can you play it? Is that illegal? No, no, we'll get yanked. Are you fucking serious?

I wish you were smaller. We live in a strange world. Bird crushing. He also wrote the beginning of... We live in a strange world, bird crushing. He also wrote the beginning of, what's the Eagles song about cocaine on the Malibu high sea? Hotel California? Nope. God damn it.

Cocaine on Malibu? What? Cocaine on Malibu. It's one of my favorite quotes ever. Okay. The lead singer of, I got to It's one of my favorite quotes ever. Okay. The lead singer of, I got to find the name of the song while I do this.

The lead singer of the Eagles. Glenn Frey? Yeah. What was the other one? That's his name. There were two of them though. Who was the other guy? It was Glenn Frey,

Joe Walsh. Who were the other people? There was a huge star. Let's find out. Who's the Eagles? Yeah There was a huge star. Let's find out. Who's the Eagles? Yeah, there was that one guy that did Miami Vice. Yeah. Who's that guy?

I think it's that guy. Yeah, who was that, man? Okay, who's in this band? Okay. I hate that people already know the answer. Don Henley. Don Henley. Don Henley.

Don Henley wrote... Why don't you come to your senses? The Eagles. Maybe they're running fences. Remember the fucking... Remember the dude? I got it. Squirt-tober.

Do you remember the dude from... What's that fucking movie? I have a sentence in my head and I'm never going to remember it again, Joe. Do you want me to tell it now? What's the fucking bowling movie? What's the bowling movie? No. No, no, no, no, no.

Joe, I'm losing the sentence. The one with Jesus is... What? Big Lebowski. The Big Lebowski. Thank you very much. He hates the Eagles. I have it in my head.

I have it in my head. Remember? The dude hated the Eagles. Oh, man. I fucking hate the eagles the cab was playing the eagles he got mad he's a hater ben you can't fucking hate on the eagles don henley is in a car this isn't that documentary that's on hbo math question and he's driving three miles per hour with a cloud dick.

He's only got 40 more yards before he needs to suck a clown dick. Cloud dick. To keep moving. Someone's going to make an animated gif file of air stations. Just giant big black dicks. Dudes have to suck. They're wearing spacesuits. I don't even know. Don Henley.

Desperado. Oh, no. Stop. Let me fucking please get this out of my mouth. Please do. Just swallow it. Stop it. Don't be scared.

Okay. I feel like I'm getting comedically assaulted. That's fucked. So, Don Henley. I don't fucking know. Don't be scared. Okay, I feel like I'm getting comedically assaulted. That's fucked. So Don Henley. I don't fucking know. Don Henley. Don Henley. Don Henley is in a car with a...

It's in the fucking documentary. Don Henley's in a car with a drug dealer who's holding a lot of weight. Yeah. And they're flying. I love when you say weight. I'm quoting him. I'm quoting him. I'm quoting him.

He said in that documentary. You got to see the documentary. It's really good. It's quoting him. I'm quoting him. He said in that documentary, you got to see the documentary. It's really good. It's on HBO. And he says to the drug dealer, he goes, hey, man, slow down. And the drug dealer looked over him real quick and goes, hey, man, life in the fast lane. And then he heard that. He goes, that's a good title.

I want those moments in life where you go, sing. Just like you said, what's the best job for killing owls? Right. Those perfect fucking moments. I am way too fucked up. We should wrap this up. No, it's a good point. If I was a guy who worked in the fucking logging industry, I'd probably be an owl assassin.

Motherfucking owls. Just kill them all. And they'd be like, now what are you going to do? Listen, there's no owls. Let's get it over with. Let's just fucking start chopping trees there's no more owls this is an owl assassin has been here you can't you can't assassinate owls but tuna you can suffocate those bitches in rope nets pull them out of the fucking world in which

they live and dangle them in the air and smother and crush the ones at the bottom Who literally get suffocated First by the weight of the thousands of others On top of them Everybody in their own way Howling for that sweet sweet ocean water To fill them with oxygen Imagine if tuna just felt like crying little girls Oh it hurts Gills incapable of pulling oxygen out of the regular atmosphere.

It needs water to stay alive, and it knows the water's right there, and it can't chew through the net. Another topper? No, take mine. I'll take yours. Oh, I see what you're saying. He's trying to get you to drink. That's what he's trying to do.

I am so fucking hammered. It really is weird that we treat tuna that way. That's kind of fucked up. Yeah. Everybody agrees. Just treat tuna like shit. I like the way you're looking at life.

If you flip it on its ear, just like the owl problems or the thing with the pygmies in Africa, let's come up with a vocal mechanism that we can feed a tuna that can make them vocalize what hurts.

Please help. Please help. When you put them in the nets, they go. I'm trying to find all 200 of my babies. Oh, I know you. Sorry, not you. Please help. No one would kill tuna if they talked to you when you killed them.

Yeah. What if they were assholes? What if tuna were like, fuck you. Hey, look at the Jewish guy. And we're the shit. We're the shit. We're taking over the ocean. You're like, nets, nets.

Scoop them up with nets. Fuck them. Make them suffocate in the air. Pull them out of the sky with a crane. How much do you get paid to your asshole? As you're pulling them out of the water. They're like like you fucking queer All you queers

I fight you I fade all you fucking homos Fuck this tuna dick bitch Suck my tuna asshole Suck a sardine fart Out of my tuna asshole Good night everybody Anything to add?

What if there's a tuna That was good Hey, hey I'm talking to you I'm talking to you Look at me Look at me I know you're looking at me

There you are Suck this dick Suck this tuna dick You fucking queer. Now you understand me? I might suffocate, but I'm up here suffocating like a man. Like a man.

You're going to love Two Guys, One Fish. I'm not going to watch it. Shut your hole. I love this product. I love what we do. This is so much fucking fun. Thank you so much for being a It's very fun. It's very fun. I love it. Thank you so much for being a part of this.

Thank you. Letting me be a part of this. All above. You're correct. Fucking hammered. That's true. You need to not drive right now. Whatever you do.

Uber. Uber the shit out of it. Uber the shit out of it. All right. That's it for this week because this is a holiday week, ladies and gentlemen. Christmas is here, so celebrate by trying to

get high off an Amanita Muscaria mushroom. I've never heard anybody who's been successful. It might be bullshit. Or it might be like, you gotta get it in the right spot at the right time of the year, but good luck. Anyway, Merry Christmas. See you next week, you fucks. We've got a lot of really exciting guests.

Thank you for five years, Brian Redband. Anything to say? Five fucking years. Five years. It's been a lot of fun. Lots of fun. Never anticipated it lasting this long. Can't believe what it has become. Must stay plugged in. Have to help to

get it all out. Otherwise, be stuck with thoughts in head and no other recourse. Can I just say I wish you were drunk every episode. Praise Jesus. Can't do that way. That's not special that way. Then it becomes an alcoholic hour. I love this world.

I love this world. Are we humming? We're humming in the alcoholic three hour show Store Thank you everybody No bullshit aside From the bottom of my heart Everybody that's ever been a part of this

Thank you everybody who's ever done any of the episodes Or people that listen or all of it It's crazy Brian and I might be the ones that are Somehow or another at the the front of this this connective chain but we're all in this weird thing together by some strange way and uh you know and burt kreischer you're part of it you fuck anything you say these people for you thank you so much for letting me be a part of it i didn't let you do shit no it's happy to be funny and i like you i had a great this has been a blast this life fucking

rocks this life fucking rocks we This life fucking rocks. Rock! We hope it rocks for you, too. Thank you for five fucking awesome years, and we'll keep this party rolling, bitches. We're not stopping until the boat hits the rocks. Holla! Mm-hmm. Thank you.