The Joe Rogan Experience - #595 - Nick DiPaolo

Episode Date: January 6, 2015

Nick DiPaolo is a writer and stand up comedian. His latest special "Another Senseless Killing" is available now at http://www.nickdipaolo.com.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Nicholas, me boy. Joey boy. We've known each other for many decades and now we both wear reading glasses. Look at this, ladies and gentlemen. Isn't that fucking irritating? Fucking old men.

We can't see up close. So sad. Did you notice when you came in, I ripped mine off like you were abroad? It's like one of those things. I want Joe to see me. If someone calls, you know, and you're sleeping, you always lie about it. And it's like, what, do you need those? No, I don't need those.

I only need those for numbers. I'm in the restaurant. I have the waitress holding the menu. She's 11 feet from my table so I can read. Yeah, in low light conditions, unless I have my camera on my phone with the flashlight, you know, so I can use it. I could read it if I have my, but otherwise, I don't know what the fuck the bill is. You need to step up to bifocals so you can wear them all day long. No, because I don't need them past, like, my arm's length.

That's right. Yeah. My friend Steve Graham explained it to me. He's an ophthalmologist. I guess when you get older, your eyes just lose their ability to focus up close. And then this shit doesn't help. Computers don't help. It's the worst.

Pulling on your cell phone at three in the morning? That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about work. I don't know what you're doing, Nick DiPaolo. How dare you? Apparently you're doing a lot more than I am, Joe. You went back to New York, huh? Yeah. How long ago did you go back?

I was out here. Oh, Christ. I was out here from 95 to 99. And you were like, enough already. Well, then Chris Rock called. Yeah, I had enough. I swear to God, this is a true story. I was in my own shower at my house arguing with an imaginary fucking agent I didn't have.

I'm not fucking. I swear to God, my wife heard me i was living on doheny in this house we rented and i'm like i'm fucking losing my mind out here and then like a bolt from god chris rock called he was starting his hbo show and said i want you to be one of the writers and i was like you gotta be shitting me i was on the fucking next plane out looking looking down at all the bridges i burned in LA you could see the fires Nick played my brother on news radio Yeah, there was a there was a I want to say was a confusion, but it would be a lie

it was an agent tried to fuck him a casting agent tried to fuck him over we had already booked him for the part and All the sudden this casting agent goes. Oh, I've already booked that I've part, and all of a sudden, this casting agent goes, oh, I've already booked that. I've got this guy coming in. I go, what are you talking about? I go, it's supposed to be Nick DiPaolo. He's my friend.

He's going to be my brother. My other friend, Brian Cowan, is my other brother. It's already booked. She goes, well, I don't know what to do. I've already got this guy booked, so you're going to have to tell Nick. Oh, no, no, no. I go, you're going to have to tell this fucking other guy, because she had already called you and told you you didn't have that's right she came out and said uh you guys can go whatever she tried to weasel the casting female casting agents in many circumstances

are a lot like male casting agents you know the casting couch the notorious casting couch. Yes. How bad do you want the part? And, you know. Well, this gal had male friends. And these male friends, apparently, she enjoyed their company. And so she would get them gigs, even if those gigs weren't really available. And that was what was going on. She was just going to weasel this guy in. Yeah, and I was walking to my car, and you came running out. Yeah, dude. And go, hey, hey, hey hey hey hey i go what and then i felt bad i'm like now did i just fuck somebody over because i know joe no you didn't fuck anybody you were already because i was a stellar you were

outstanding but you were approved and done it was over but she just tried to weasel it in it was fucking gross oh oh what's that whore's name? Oh, no need to name names. And it might not have been on medication. Who knows what the fuck. That was a fun episode that we beat the shit out of each other, threw each other through windows. It was like the Three Stooges. And we did a scene.

We actually did a scene that said it came across too violent. Of course, Joe and Brian in it. Remember with the coffee? We had a glass coffee pot. Where I hit you over the head? Yeah, he smashed me over the head. And then we're kicking Joe while he's down

and they said it looked too much, they actually said it looked too much like Goodfellas. Remember when De Niro was kicking a guy? Remember he had the... Yeah. So it was a glass.

I got to break this thing off your head like five times. Yeah, I got to fly through a glass window. You know, they have that candy glass so I went flying through a window. It was fun, man. That was a fun episode window. You know, they have that candy glass, so I went flying through a window.

It was fun, man. That was a fun episode. And you know who? Epstein from Welcome Back, Cotter. Epstein from Welcome Back, Cotter was our oldest brother, who was a priest that we were all terrified of. I think he's dead, too, isn't he? Did he pass away? No kidding.

What was his name? He's got a dog. Epstein from Welcome Back, Cotter. These guys were probably born then. Yeah, they're a debut. Yeah. I didn't know he died. Did he really die?

Either that or I'm starting an ugly rumor right now. But I... Jesus. I thought Horschak died. No, you were hoping Horschak. Don't confuse your hopes. Oh, wait a minute. You know what?

You're right. Is it Horschak? And the black guy. I think they're all dead, actually. Gabe Crosby. You know who else died? You're right. Is it? Is it Horschak? And the black guy. I think they're all dead, actually. Gabe Cotter. You know who else died? The wife died. Oh, he died in 2012.

The wife died recently. You were right. He died in 2012. He did? Yeah. Maybe it's from that episode. There was a lot of violence going on. Wow.

He looked like shit before he died. What the fuck, man? When we knew him. That's him? That's him. That's Robert Hedges? Yeah. When we knew him, he actually looked pretty good.

Looks like Candy Crowley from CNN. Some of those guys that get a really good gig, like a Welcome Back, Connor, and then after that, it dies. Those fucking guys never recover. It's like they're living the fucking life. They're eating nice bagels from craft service. Everybody, good morning, Mr. Hedges. How are you, sir? Can we get your coffee? Would you like something?

And then this fucking cruel machine just spits them out. It's a hard fuck. And then you want, oh my When did he turn into a Hawaiian woman before he died? What the fuck? Who does he look like? You know what happened? He probably went all

spiritual. Look at all the necklaces and stuff he's wearing. He probably went all spiritual. It was all going downhill. Well, maybe he had cancer or something. Yeah, maybe. Now I feel bad. He was a good dude, man. He was.

And that was like a thrill to meet the guy. Died of a heart. Yeah, it was. We were kids when that show was used. Died of a heart attack. 60 years old. And I think, I know the woman, the wife, that played the wife on that show just died of cancer. Oh, Gabe Kaplan's wife?

Yeah, on the show. She just died recently. Meanwhile, John Travolta looking great. Sucking cock all over the planet. Apparently that's how you get ripped, Mick. Well, he definitely doesn't look ripped anymore. No, you're right. He's kind of chubby. Who looks the best from that get ripped, man. Well, he definitely doesn't look ripped anymore. No, you're right. He's kind of chubby.

Who looks the best from that? Well, him. He looks the best from that show. How about the black guy that played Washington? Is he still around? Freddie Boom Boom Washington? Yes. Google him.

We are dating ourselves. Well, but it's kind of relevant because they're dead and we're getting close to it. But nobody knows who they are anymore. That's what's fucked up. No, I know. Let's talk about... Let's find the guy. They just did a Lost reference and I've never seen the show. You never saw Lost? No. The first couple seasons were really good. I rewatched it, Joe.

It's way better if you know what happened because now you're only focusing on what you're really supposed to be focusing on, not the bullshit that makes you hate the show. But here's a picture of Freddie Boom Boom. Freddie Boom Boom Washington. Is he still alive? Lawrence Hilton Jacobs is his name.

Yeah, he looks good. Yeah, he's the best looking guy out of all of them now. And Horshack, check out. I think you're right. I think Horshack is dead. I think you're right. I think Horshack's dead. Let's see.

That show's kind of jinxed now that you think about it. Not really. It's just life. Well, they're not that old, though. Ronald Polillo. It's true. It's just life. Yeah, he died in 2012, too.

Same year that Epstein died. And Gabe Cotta, who's a degenerate gambler. Yeah. Is he a degenerate? Well, that's what I heard. I know he's a poker player. Okay, maybe I was stretching the... Those two are kind of synonymous.

A club owner told me that. Did you ever do the KJ Riddles in Orland Park, Illinois? A guy named Kenny ran it? No, no, never did. He used to have Gabe Carter in there. And Gabe Carter used to hate bringing his stuff to the airport. You know, luggage. He hated checking.

He used to mail it. It spent like $300. Mailing is closed. Really? And he went, this guy took him out gambling at some casino. He was there the weekend before I was. And he won like, he said $750,000 betting on football. Whoa.

And I said, you mean $75,000? He goes, no, $750,000. This guy Kenny wouldn't lie either. But this guy, he's like heavy into it. When you start getting to those big numbers, that's fucking dangerous because it can all go away like that. Well, I'm in a pool. I put $5 on the beginning of the year and I'm trying to beat my niece, Jenna. That's healthy.

That's healthy. I mean, gambling is fun. Don't get me wrong. But the thing about gambling is that you got to keep pushing the stakes to keep upping that thrill. That's right. To keep juicing your veins. Artie Lang used to... He used to go hard, huh?

Oh, my God. He told me some of the numbers. And Norm. Norm is the worst, right? Norm is... Oh, my God. Norm MacDonald is supposed to be the worst of all time. Oh, my God. Norm MacDonald is supposed to be like the worst of all time. Oh, my God.

He's like just so bad I couldn't get on his podcast this week. What kind of numbers? Well, I already told him a story about Norm, and he says it's absolutely true that he won like 60 grand one night, and he walked out. Where were they gambling? Where the hell was it? It wasn't Vegas because there was an ocean nearby. And he threw all the money in the ocean

because he knew he was going to piss it away anyways. What? Yeah. That's what Artie told me. I wouldn't doubt that. I wouldn't either. You know Norm. Hey, it's only me.

Legit crazy. We were having a great time on a plane once and just randomly sat next to each other just total dumb luck had a great time you know three hour flight laughing and cracking up and talking all kinds of shit he's like wow i uh quit smoking a long time ago i'm just i'm so happy i quit smoking and then as he lands he goes i want a cigarette he walked right into the fucking one of those duty-free at the airport, bought cigarettes and is just couldn't had him in his hand as he was walking out the door and lighting

him. Couldn't wait to get out the door to light him. I go, what happened to quitting cigarettes? He goes, I quit quitting. I just wanted a cigarette. It was so great. I mean, just an hour ago talking about how much he's happy he quit cigarettes. He quit a long time ago.

And then this switch goes off and he impulsively decides, time to have a cigarette. I go to his hotel and he's in New York a few years ago. I had a bunch of sets that night. It's like two in the morning. He tells me to come up to his hotel. He's drinking black coffee by the pot. He drank like two pots in front of me. And I can hear his stomach gurgling

because he has some stomach problem, he says. And I can hear it making these sounds. And he's just... Two full pots. And it's like, what are you going to do?

Stay up for three days? No, I'm immune to it. It doesn't even bother me. Some guys can just drink coffee, like Tate. Tate can drink coffee and go to sleep. My friend who owns

Caveman Coffee. Yeah, people become immune to this shit. Yeah, you do. He drinks coffee and then he can pass out. I don't. I'm who owns Caveman Coffee. Yeah, people become immune to this shit. Yeah, you do. He drinks coffee and then he can pass out. I don't. I'm like a little puss. I have a half a cup and I'm all over the place like a fucking meth addict.

It's one of those things if you do it a lot, if you drink a lot of coffee, it sort of becomes normal. But if you take a few months off of coffee and then you realize what a drug caffeine really is. I actually have a bit on my album. It's a good segue actually. A new one? Nick Dip. Yeah. At nickdip.com you can get it, by the album. It's a good segue, actually. A new one? Nick Dipp, yeah. At nickdipp.com you can get it, by the way. What's the name of the album again?

Another Senseless Killing. Another Senseless Killing. But I have a caffeine bit on there because I'm like hyper. I get fucking, like I'm almost allergic to it. You're what? I'm almost like allergic to it. Almost allergic. Yeah, I have a couple cups.

No, I can't even like focus. Really? Yeah. So it's an unusual feeling that you get. Yeah No I can't even like focus Really? Yeah So it's an unusual feeling That you get Yeah I don't Has this always been the case?

No Is this a recent thing? Yeah It's like the eyes? Yeah Oh yeah It's the liver You know it is Joe

The immune system Can't even fight off caffeine We're going We're going like fucking Horseshack Can we play that or no? The caffeine clip? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's play it.

Caffeine. There we go. That's a great setup. Negative guy. Have a caffeine problem. Just found that out. I mean, I'm almost allergic to caffeine. I was laying in bed the other night thinking,

how come I've been in like 12 fist fights before noontime over the last 20 years? I'm like hyper-alert. You guys have a couple cups of coffee, you get a little jittery. It's like bath salts for me. I'll chew your fucking face off and leave you in the street. I go to Dunkin' Donuts, an hour later,

I'm naked in my driveway wrestling three cops. They're tasering my balls. What's he on, Angel Dust? No, I had a cappuccino with three sugars. Get back in your car. I'll fucking chew your nose off. But I get really nasty as opposed to my natural state.

I've had some of the worst fights with my wife when I was jacked up on coffee. Last January, true story. It's a Sunday morning. My wife comes down the stairs. She goes, my nieces and nephews are coming over. We're going to a petting zoo, and you're coming with us. And I'm like, I've been following the Patriots

for 16 weeks, today's the first playoff game. But yeah, what better time to look at a goat laying his own shit up in the woods and ostening. Cut to me, like half hour later, I'm in a barn looking at animals. I have like a pot of coffee in my gut. I'm crawling out of my skin this guy next to me

goes to me in the most condescending tone he goes that's a yak I go yeah I know it's a fucking yak there's a sign but on the cage

I know how to read asshole and then I realized he was talking to his four year old son on the other side of him is that not a classic caffeine how do you get out of that one? I just stayed in the asshole role. Went to the next cage and there was a goat in there. I just looked at him. I went, let me guess, duck? What is that, a pigeon? Come on, Dr. Seuss, you know

fucking everything. What is that, an alligator? I don't know anything. Right, asshole? Even his little kid was looking up at me was like who pissed in your Cheerios mister and I'm like fuck you you little pussy I threw a pumpkin at him and my wife pushed me

out of the bar but uh where'd you record this go ahead there's one more one more caffeine story this was about a month and a half later

I'm at White Plains Airport sitting next to this obese guy for like two hours ignoring his smell hadn't said a word to each other all of a sudden he gets up

he looks at me, in this tone of voice, he goes, I'm going to the shitter, watch my bag. It's true, absolutely true. I'm like, how do I know your bag's not going to explode in 30 seconds? He goes, do I look like a terrorist? I go, that depends.

He goes, depends on what? I go, if I was a cheeseburger. If I was a fresh garden salad, I'd feel very comfortable watching your bag for the next 20 minutes or a pack of sweet and low. But you like butter. Let's be honest. That's it. I did that at Acme.

Oh, in Minneapolis? Yeah. That's a great club. It's my favorite club. It's a great club. It's low ceiling. I think it was like 270 people. Yeah, there's like five of those type of clubs, like Helium, Comedy Works, you know, all those

like low ceiling, tight clubs. Joe, is Denver like that? I haven't been to the Comedy Works in years. Oh my God, it's the best. I know. I love it. I got kicked out of there after two, some bachelorette party ruined my fucking show the second time I was there, and I called them them fat cunts And the girl who ran the place

Was a fat cunt So she didn't like that Oh how dare you I hope she's still not running it She owns it No Wendy Oh I don't think it was Wendy

I really don't How long ago was this I don't think it was Wendy How long ago was this Oh Christ This had to be 18 years ago Oh it was probably Wendy Really

Yeah she's on the front Oh Wendy I apologize She couldn't have been owning it then, though, right? Yeah, she owned it from the start. Oh, good. She wasn't there. The owners are never around when I'm there. She was large back then.

And then she got one of those tummy things done. Oh, she stapled it? Yeah, she went with the, you know, they do those things. Well, there's still no reason to let a bachelorette party ruin my show. I hear you. I'm with you. That's where you did yours, right? Yeah, yeah.

Killer, right? I love that place. Yeah, I did my Rocky Mountain High, the last one, my Comedy Central special. I decided I'm doing them all from now on in clubs. Yeah, I did the last one I did, Raw Nerve, was at Comics, which is a club, but it was like we squeezed like 500 people in there. And, you know, people do these big big theaters and they start to all sound alike or like kind of cookie cutter. You don't capture that energy that...

I think you can get away with a theater. I mean, I did Talking Monkeys in Space, my second favorite one. That was in a theater in Columbus. That was a nice little theater though. Yeah, it was like 900 seats, right? Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. But I think that once you go to like 2,000, 3,000,

you lose a bit of the interaction with the crowd. Yeah, there you are in Acme. That's a fucking great club. That's a great club. Those classic low-ceiling clubs, that's where comedy is hypnotic. Like everyone gets roped into your mindset. The energy stays right in your face.

And you ride it and they ride it. And it's also like, I feel like when you're, you don't miss any of the tags. You don't miss any of the, I didn't, have you ever sat in the crowd at a theater before? Just at a Letterman taping when I first moved to New York. Yeah, but that's different, right? Because that's like not a stand up. Yeah, no. I went to, I was in New Jersey and Joey and I, Joey Diaz and I were doing Friday night

and Louis Black was there on Thursday night. So we had gotten there early. We flew in. We said, oh, let's go say hi to Louis. We'll sit in the audience. So we went and sat in the audience and he would get a big laugh and then he would have a tagline. Nobody.

And you couldn't hear the tagline. And I was like, oh, you can't hear the tagline and i was like oh you can't hear out here because everyone's laughing there was too many people like around you that were laughing and the sound just didn't penetrate how big that was at the end 2200 2400 something like that i'll never get near that unfortunately yeah it's a little larger that's my goal to make a bad specialty in front of 2,200 people, actually. I would love to be able to fill 2,200 seats. I don't give a shit how this special came out.

But when you do get a big laugh from like 3,000 people, it's a wave. It's a wave, yeah. What's the biggest crowd you've ever performed for? Radio City, I think, with Dennis Leary. It was, I want to say 7,000 or 6,500 or something. Oh, yeah. Oh, then we did some of the Staples Center. That's where it was.

Staples Center was even bigger. It was like 7,000, I think, out here in LA. I did Kevin and Bean have this April Fool's Day thing, the April Fool's weekend, and it's 7,000. That was the biggest I've ever done. And it's weird because it sat in some theater at Universal, and they're all in front of you. It's like a wall of people. It's like a real steep incline,

so that the top row is right in front of you. Everyone's right in front of you. It's a very strange theater, but it's... Was it good? That makes it intimate. Yeah, it's great for 7,000 people. It's as good as it gets. I did one at Seneca Casino this past October.

It was like 550 seats, but same thing. Theater seating. And if I ever shot something else, I'd love to do it there. Those casinos can be fucking weird. They can suck or they can be great. That was a great one, but they hit or miss, you're right. Those Indian ones in Connecticut? Oh, fucking Christ.

You don't know what you're getting. Especially the people. Like, Connecticut? Connecticut is a fucking strange state. You got people around the edges that are near Boston or that are near New York that are cool. They're kind of like, ah, I didn't want to live in the city. I want a yard. So they go to Connecticut.

Right. And then you got those fucking deep weirdos that live in those places where you have to drive five miles an hour because deer jumping across the road every five seconds. Yeah. Yeah. You get urban, you get Hartford, then you get the woods, and then you get the snooty people in Greenwich. And Hartford is surprisingly shitty.

I know. You think of Hartford, Connecticut, it sounds regal. Like Hartford, Connecticut. It probably was at one time. Yeah. You know what I mean? Hartford, Connecticut, it sounds regal. Like Hartford, Connecticut. It probably was at one time. Yeah. You know what I mean? Waterbury, Connecticut. Yeah.

We used to be like a textile. It was unbelievable. Back in the 50s, it was a beautiful city. Now, you know. Yeah, I used to do gigs in Waterbury. Get a bolo driving through there. Yeah, it's a rough area. There's a lot of rough spots there.

My wife's from outside of Waterbury. Yeah, it ain't the best place to stop. She's a witch doctor. Did I mention that? No. She's from a little town from outside of Waterbury. Don't get me wrong. There's some nice people there, but they're all dying to get out.

I don't like the mix of casino. I guess if you're a gambler, I can see you loving staying there for a week, but I hate when I have to do a casino. I just don't like, I guess if you're a gambler, I can see you loving staying there for a week, but I hate when I have to do a casino. I just don't. To me, it draws the fucking dregs of, you see these people out there in the late 70s, you're wearing dirty running shoes and a members only jacket on a Friday night, you know, and you think you're lucky? What the fuck, what makes you think you're lucky?

You're wearing dirty running shoes and a members only jacket, and you just put two grand into the wheel of fortune machine you fucking loser and then they get pissed and they come to the show right yeah and sit with their puss on their face well especially those casinos feel like you are only here because you're a gambling junkie you're not taking a weekend in vegas we're gonna go to vegas we're gonna see some shows we're gonna go to the stratosphere we're going to see some shows. We're going to go to the Stratosphere. We're going to ride the rides. Woo! No, not even. Not even. Fucking Connecticut.

And then you're playing, you know, the craps table. The guy next to you is like a 20-year-old kid wearing a Knicks shirt, a basketball shirt, like, you know, fucking in work boots. What do you think? You should dress up like back in the Rat Pack days? Not dress up, but what the fuck? You don't have to look like crap to play crap. Have a little collar.

A little collar on your shirt. I'm not saying that, but- A little alligator. I have those shirts. I hate them. You remember when we were kids? Kids would sew fake alligators on generic- Well, the kids in Southie would do that.

Like the poor kids, right? Yeah, and get mad at you if you want to check their tags. Doesn't that- Notorious B.I.G. has a song about that, right? Doesn't it? Checking your tag. Yeah, like someone trying to, like you punch them in the face. Yeah, there's like a song where he punches somebody in the face where they try to check his tag. There's a reason for violence.

Hey, look. He's questioning your brand. You got to do what you got to do if you're in certain neighborhoods, you know? You got to keep your brand. You got to do what you got to do if you're in certain neighborhoods. You know? You got to keep your rep. The fake ones always look just like the alligator, but it's just like a tadpole or a lizard or something.

Yeah, yeah. It's a little off. You can never, you have to have nothing on your shirt or, isn't it weird how fucking brands become like something that everyone has to have? It's so fucking strange

how sheepish people are with that kind of stuff. Sheep-like. Meh. I need to wear what everybody else is wearing. Otherwise, you're not in. You know, like brand.

I know people that they want to have everything brand name. You know? Like everything has to be brand name. And if it's not brand name, like, well, it's just as good.

Doesn't matter. That's my wife you're talking about. She can't buy fucking generic. I do a bit about it. We have mice in our basement, so I just as good. It doesn't matter. Who made that? That's my wife you're talking about. Really? She can't buy fucking generic. I do a bit about it. We have mice in our basement, so I put traps down. I caught her putting imported Parmesan Reggiano cheese in one of the fucking traps at 18 bucks a pound.

Really? How about Kraft Singles? What the fuck? She was putting imported cheese? Yeah. She just wanted to put cheese in it. Classic stuff. Yeah.

That's all we had in the fridge. I'm like, what are you fucking... Why don't you leave my biscotti down there? Fucking espresso maker. It's one of my older bits, but it's true. Somebody has a good joke about biscotti. Like, no pastry is good if you have to dunk it in coffee first. Dissoften it. It's like, nobody eats biscotti raw, you know?

It's crunchy. My grandfather used to. Cuts the underside of your mouth. I think Sarah Weinstein has one. She has a biscotti bit? Yeah. It's not her. It's a guy.

I know it's a guy who has the bit, but yeah. I mean, it's one of those things. When you go to one of those coffee beans, and they have one of those hard triangle looking It's a blueberry scone. Fuck scones. Fuck scones. one of those coffee beans, and they have, what are those hard, like, triangle-looking, it's not a, it's a blueberry scone. Fuck scones. Fuck scones. You know, I want a muffin, and all you have is scones?

Lemon bar. This is bullshit. Fuck scones. Lemon bar's not bad. I disagree with you there, sir. I don't mind a lemon bar. Love it. I just feel like pastry should be mostly soft. I don't mind a little crusty outside. And you like you did coke right up to you ate it a little bit

Powder all over your face grinding it in a fucking delicious. I've never done coke, but I'm always paranoid that people think I'm doing coke Coke you found some old coat that I haven't worn in like ten years I'm just like going through it. I'm like what the as well baggy Yeah, I had like four lines in it, but I'm just thinking like who and I'm like, what the? A little baggy? Yeah, it had like four lines in it, but I'm just thinking, what night did I go, you know what? I'm done. I'm just going to save this for later. What the fuck? How do you know

it's coke? It might be ricin. Someone's trying to kill you. Might be like, I know how to kill this dummy. Somebody hated something you posted on YouTube. Yeah, just put something in a coke bag and leave it in his jacket. He'll snort it. That's what I wanted to hear.

That's true. You probably would. Because I don't remember ever even buying Coke or having Coke. If somebody wanted to kill you, all they would have to do is buy you drinks at the comic store and then hand you a bag of anthrax. And you'd be like, fuck yeah. Anthrax. That's what it was.

It burns. Well, Joe, you've changed since I've known you Yeah I mean You're like this cosmic fucking You're doing What's the DSM DMT

DMT What the fuck That's way different than coke No I know No I know That's why I'm saying I would risk a heart attack I'd rather do

That shit I would never I'm scared shit of that stuff I'm the same Why are you scared Because some people won't come back. That's not true. It's not like LSD.

Really? Yeah, yeah. DMT, first of all, your brain makes it. It's common in the body. Well, then I have none of it. I've never had it. Do you have dreams? Oh, do I ever?

There you go. That's DMT. You know, I have dreams, and I drink kava. I have insomnia. Oh, kava. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gives me dreams. Yeah, that I have dreams and I drink kava. I have insomnia. Oh, kava. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That gives me dreams. Yeah, that'll do it.

Is that right? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there's a lot of different- I knew you'd know this shit. I knew it. Melatonin gives some people freaky dreams. I don't like that shit. Sometimes just taking vitamins before you go to bed.

Sometimes people will get weird dreams. How about if you kill your wife before you go to bed? That'll make you fucking sweat. Fucking horrible dreams. You probably won't sleep. Acetylcholine is a big one. Take acetylcholine is a big one. Take acetylcholine before you go to sleep.

You will have a fucking wild dream. What is that? And where do you get this shit, Joe? You crazy fuck? Well, it's actually just a plant. It's an extract from plants. It's one of the main ingredients of alpha brain. But who turned you on to this shit? Oh, the internet.

I just started doing research. The internet. Nicotine patch. Just put a nicotine patch before you go to bed, and it keeps your nicotine receptors. Where are my taint? That's a good place for it. Yeah. Does it really?

Yeah, it keeps your nicotine receptors alive. Well, there's a bunch of different nutrients that are shown to have a positive effect on your memory and the way your brain functions. So I started researching them about 10 years ago. I started getting into them, taking different ones, a bunch of different vitamins and different combinations of things. So it wasn't a bunch of friends that said, you've got to do this shit? Well, DMT is different. I mean, we're talking about acetylcholine

and nutrients and paracetamol. I want to hear about the DMT, the third eye shit. That I found out about, well, I heard about it first through this guy named Terrence McKenna, who was, I heard about Terrence McKenna through an old Bill Hicks joke. Bill Hicks did a joke. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, about Terrence McKenna, who was, I've heard about Terrence McKenna through an old Bill Hicks joke. Bill Hicks did a joke. I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, about Terrence. Mushrooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What Terrence McKenna would call a heroic dose. So I was like, who is this Terrence McKenna guy? And so I bought a Terrence McKenna book, and I was like, holy shit, is this guy going deep? I think I bought Food of the Gods.

This crazy fucking book. This guy was just, I mean, at the time when I never heard anything about, like, much about psychedelics. I mean, when I knew people that did mushrooms, it was like, let's get fucked up. Hey, I got some mushrooms. Woo! We're going to go see some crazy shit that's not really there. Did you do that shit? Oh, yeah.

You did mushrooms when you were young and stuff? No, I didn't do much. I didn't party at all. I might have smoked pot five times before I was 30, maybe at the most six or seven before I was 30. Yeah, I don't like to eat either. It was all when I was drunk. It was like I'm a party drunk, someone's got a joint.

Yeah, fuck it, I'll smoke some of that. And then I was like, oh, I don't want to do that again. It always freaked me out. I can't feel my feet, that kind of shit. Yeah, that's what surprises me. Then you do this shit. Well, then I started getting into pot. I enjoy it now now i i love pot it's one of my favorite things yeah once i hit about 30 31 i started hanging out my friend eddie bravo and eddie bravo who uh is a musician

was telling me that it makes him more creative that he likes it likes i was like makes me dopey and he's like are you sure like have you ever have you ever like smoked it by itself or you smoke it when you're drinking? So we smoked some. And then I was like, this is the best shit ever. And we went and got ice cream sundaes. And I was like, I can't fucking believe ice cream sundaes taste this good. And then you wrote a bit on it?

No, it's just true. Ice cream sundaes? No, I should have. I probably should have. I missed the boat. Really? Oh, dude, sex feels so much better when you're high. What kind of weed is this?

Any kind of weed. It makes you hypersensitive. That's why people get paranoid. The reason why you get paranoid is because most of us put blinders on. Because you have to, to get through life. I mean, there's, you know, we're on a fucking planet. We're flying through space. We're riding around in metal boxes.

This is what I wanted to hear. 60 miles an hour on the highway. Anybody at any moment in time could just fucking turn into the oncoming traffic. And you have to put blinders on to get through life. And we ignore things. And then when you smoke pot, it goes, hey, you ever think about this? And you're like, yeah, but I'm trying not to. And then people go, oh, I don't like pot because it makes me paranoid. I think it just makes you hypersensitive.

Last time I smoked it was when I first moved to New York City. I was in an acting class this cute girl we go back to her apartment like five of us from the class smoked this shit and then I had to go

on the way home I go to the bank chemical bank I'm in line I'm like fourth in line and they had a digital thing where your number comes up so finally I get to the front

my number comes up and I fucking the lady just stared at me and I ran out the door that's a true story just freaked out she looked like a mean school teacher and I ran out the door. That's a true story. Just freaked out. She looked like a mean school teacher, and I just fucking bolted. That's the last time.

That was in the early 90s. That's funny. Do you want to smoke some? You know, I bet you it would help me with my insomnia, wouldn't it? Yeah, sometimes. But then again, what if it's really... I hear it's like the weed today is obviously way stronger than what was going on in the early 50s. You take one hit nowadays and just see if it works.

Got some right here, Nick DePaulo. Just one hit. You know what's going to happen? This place, look at this skulls and shit. That's all I need. Smoke weed and look at this fucking goat's head you got over here. That's a moose that I shot a couple months ago. Are you kidding?

What, on the 101? No. Yeah, it was an invader from Canada. It didn't have its green card. I fucking took it out for America. months ago. Are you kidding? What, on the 101? No. Yeah, it was an invader from Canada. It didn't have its green card. I fucking took it out for America. No, I shot that one in Canada. If you lived around here, I'd give you some moose steaks. I got 400 pounds of it in my fridge.

Do you really? Yeah. Fucking guy. Joe Testosterone, man. That's fucking hilarious. My cousin, I got a cousin who hunts with bow and arrow. He's got all kinds of- Yeah, I've done some of that. Have you? I shot a bear with a bow and arrow.

Do you do that shit high or nah? No. That would freak you. No, no, no. This is a good guy. Yeah, it's not bad. Caveman Coffee. I don't, yeah, firearms and marijuana is not, I want to be like fucking hyper diligent,

hyper aware, on the point, no fucking around. The last thing you ever want to be involved in is a firearm accident that you could have prevented. That's a good point. I didn't even think of that angle. Yeah. I know guys who do it, though. They smoke weed and they go fucking bow hunting. They get in a tree stand, smoke a joint, sit out there with nature.

They like it. Really? At least if you're in a tree stand and you're shooting a bow and arrow, the likelihood of you shooting yourself is very small. The likelihood of you shooting somebody else,

very small. Oh yeah, because the Indians were probably high back in the day when they were hunting. They didn't have much marijuana here. Not weed,

but other shit. They had peyote and stuff and they used that, but yeah, there's probably some mushroom use going on too, but I think they would use and stuff and they used that but yeah there's probably some mushroom use going on too but i think they would use that stuff to sort of like fucking post post you know hunt to kind of like celebrate or something like that yeah they rub but the vikings you know used to

use mushrooms and go on minnesota berserker no not those guys they use steroids different vikings who's that fucking giant dude who there's all these photos of this some some football player there was like a bunch of memes with this guy you know I'm talking about was this steroid freak is um no I mean probably who the fuck knows you know I don't know is it a college kid is a college kid yeah he's in college he's like now he's in college. Now? He's playing now? He's like 6'8", 290 or something like that. I mean, the people today are so goddamn freaky huge. 2% body fat. They can run like deer.

Yeah, this is the guy. Look at the size. This is not the right picture, but look. There's one picture of this guy standing around a bunch of other people. And you just like, you go, what the fuck? How is that guy so big? Yeah, that's the photo. Did that photo on the right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at the size of guy so big? Yeah, that's the photo. That photo on the right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at the size of that motherfucker. That guy was created in the lab. That doesn't even look like a real person. Negative body fat. What do you got going on? Making the picture bigger. Oh. Yeah, that's not the...

There's a full photo of him. There it is. Yeah. See if you can make that bigger. Damn this guy. He looks like a robot. That's Twitter. When you try to enlarge a Twitter photo, it doesn't let you do that for some reason.

You go to a certain size, and then it blanks out on you. Yeah, he looks like a lab experiment. You know, when you go back and you look like Jim Brown back when he was playing. Sean Oakman. That's the gentleman's name. I will call him a gentleman from now on, by the way. He's some insane size, and he's still in college. It just doesn't make any sense.

People are just way bigger now. I don't know if it's hormones and the meat. I know. I know. Twelve-year-old girls with mustaches. Look at this motherfucker. Jesus fucking Christ. Probably a strong safety, too. Look at the size of that guy. That doesn't even look like a human.

Look how he's towering over the guys next to him. Look at his arms. Yeah, they're popping out of his shirt. Why does he have pads on? They're not going to help. Those pads are useless. What the fuck? What the fuck?

He doesn't have pads on. What the fuck? What the fuck? I know. He's got his stomach like a cheerleader. Yeah, those. I was thinking that the other day. How come it never caught on with guys to wear, like, midriff exposed shirts?

It's like girls wear those exclusively. Like midriff exposed shirts. I guess you haven't been to West Hollywood lately. Yeah, with the tie and the knot in front. That's the best. Like Ellie Mae fucking clamping. Like Ellie Mae. Ellie Mae clamping.

I'm going to suck some cocks down on Sunset Boulevard oh the fucking Beverly Hillbillies yeah nobody nobody fucked back then you watch the Beverly Hillbillies

nobody ever ever fucked Ellie Mae who wouldn't did she even go on a date on that show yeah with Jethro her brother

then you had the first lesbian in Hollywood I think it was Miss Hathaway I thought it was Alice I think the Beverly Hillbillies oh yeah throw her brother then you had the first lesbian in hollywood i think was miss hathaway i thought it was alice i think uh from the beverly hillbillies oh yeah alice from the brady was alice but i think oh christ yeah christ yeah she played fuck texas she was a nose tackle college before she got she landed the role of alice

um see the coffee i'm stumbling over my own fucking word are you getting angry already it's unbelievable fucking Alice fucking chicken fucking tackling people she was good

but no but Miss Hathaway was I think the Beverly Hillbillies predated oh you're right the lady that worked at the bank

yes they were always kissing his ass because yeah because Jed had all the money yeah the one that Dennis Miller said when he was talking about Bruce Jonah hey when did hey when did bruce jenna turn into mrs hathaway

yeah it's not it's not the best reference but i see what he's going he's going with that no exactly it wasn't dennis miller's a strange cat man he is a strange guy i like him i like him too i mean i i like him as a person i've've talked to him. I enjoy talking to him. But 9-11 came along, and that guy just went flunking. He took a right turn and hit the gas. I was already there. You were already there. You were always there.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Stuck out like a sore thumb in Boston, didn't I? Well, Boston's a little right wing. I mean, there's a lot of left wing in Boston, but there's a lot of right-wing, too. You're right. It's so left that we used to talk about this at Knicks. It's so left-wing that it came full circle.

They started to have shit in common, like people from Southie. Remember Barry Crimmins? You remember those people, right? Oh, yeah. I was talking to Bobcat this weekend. Bobcat Goldthwait came to the UFC, and I got him and his daughter's boyfriend is a big UFC fan. I got him some tickets and hung out with him.

And he just did a documentary on Barry Crimmins. That's right. I heard him talking about it. It's pretty intense. He's sick now, Barry, right? Is he? He was a couple years ago. They had a benefit for him.

Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah. But this was about Barry was apparently molested as a child as a young child and this this is sort of like explaining how we became this like sort of angry curmudgeon right it's apparently a fucking really deep and intense documentary and it's coming out it's gonna be on Sundance and they're gonna come on the show in sometime either late January or February but it's a it's a fucked up fucked fucked up Bobcat title to like call me lucky or something like that like call me like I like

that's what he you know he named the documentary something Something along those lines. He told me the title. I was howling and laughing. But yeah, Barry Crimmins was super left. I remember hearing him saying that he came out one night and sort of broke down on stage at Stitches about that. Whoa. That's what I remember hearing. I can't remember if I had already moved to New York at that point, but I remember somebody telling me secondhand that he let it all out

on stage one night or something. But you know, left wing back then was a different thing. Oh yeah, hell yeah. It was way more- Tolerant. Yeah, it was way more tolerant and relaxed. And now it's become a lot of like shaming and call outs. It's become this aggressive tactic thing, like the aggressively left wing,

in your face about it. Right. Which just, it creates conflict more than it resolves anything. Absolutely. You know, I mean,

Barry was like, he was like a pro-union guy because he believed that people should get good wages. He bought American beer. He would always drink a Budweiser on stage. I was a barback.

I used to carry the, I'd carry a case of Budweiser. I was a barback for like six months in stitches. Oh'd carry a case of Budweiser. I was a barback for like six months in Stitches before I started comedy. Back with Susie? Susie.

Remember Susie, the manager of Stitches? She was in that band. They had a parody band where they walk like an Egyptian was out. Yeah, yeah. They had a walk

with an erection. Remember they had that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harry Conforti was running it. Yeah, Harry owned it. Yeah. But Barry, you're right. I used to bring a case of Budweiser and you're right, nowforti was running it. Yeah, Harry owned it. Yeah. But, Barry, you're right. I used to bring a case of Budweiser, and you're right.

Now we think back on it. He was hiding something. He would drink that case throughout the night. There'd be maybe two left. I mean, in a bottle. You know, he'd sit around after and fend it. He had a cooler, and he's the only guy that ever tipped me as a barback. There you go, kid.

Big walrus mustache. He was kind of intimidating. What's funny is, like Randy Credico. me as a bar back. There you go, kid. Big walrus mustache. He was kind of intimidating. I was funny. It's like Randy Credico. He's so radical left wing, but he used to make me laugh as hard as anybody. Jimmy Tingle. And Tingle. I mean, they're funny guys.

No doubt about it. I always quote Tingle's joke about Ronald Reagan. What did he say? This was when I was an open mic-er. I saw him perform this because when I was an open mic-er, it was right after the whole Reagan-Contra thing went down. It was like 1988. And right after Reagan was out of office,

he was on trial, and they were asking him, did you sell arms to Iran? He said, I don't remember. I don't recall. He goes, Mr. President, when you sell arms to people who hate us, jot it down. That is a perfect Boston Jimmy Tingle. It's just such a great line. J jot it down. That is a perfect Boston Jimmy Tingle. This is such a great line.

Jot it down. That is a good Tingle joke. Yeah. He was good. He's another one. He's like real left wing, but reasonable in his left wing. Absolutely. You know, it's like left wing now has become this like super hyper.

Yeah, the fascist fucks. It's like left wing now has become this super hyper. Yeah, the fascist fucks. I experienced it in a pretty hardcore way when I came out again. And I'm pretty fucking left wing. And a lot of issues on gay rights, on gay marriage, on a lot of different issues, on racial issues. But I also own guns. I'm in the NRA. I feel like I'm a lot of, I feel like there's a lot of credible issues on both sides,

but there was this guy who got a sex change and then started fighting women in MMA. I was like, get the fuck out of here. And all these people were calling me transphobe and bigot and all this crazy shit. Yeah. And that's when I got really, that's when I really experienced the full understanding of what it means

to be a social justice warrior. Right. Right. Anytime a man is critical of women, anytime a man shits on a woman, that guy... Costs 10 bucks.

Well, that's it. Who are you shitting on? She has one arm. Don't shit on them. Shit on the ones for 1,000. You don't even feel bad about it. It's like,

you got paid well. But anytime a man is doing something horrible against a woman or saying something bad about a woman, that guy becomes a misogynist. Oh, yeah. Unless you're criticizing a transgender person. See, transgender is more marginalized than women. So a transgender guy who becomes a girl now can fight women. And if you criticize that, you're criticizing a former guy who's now a girl.

And that's like, it takes precedent over the... I hate them both. Oh, Nick. Is that right? So he's fighting girls now? Now, at least he's out, she is out of the closet, or you know, I shouldn't say out of the closet.

I said out and open about it because the first two women she fought didn't know that she used to be a guy. I saw some of this on- It's fucking crazy. What's her? His name? It's no need to give this person any more fucking publicity than she's already gotten. She's had 100 YouTube videos complaining about me. But the bottom line is-

Yeah, there's two schools about it. There's transgender reassignment doctors who say, no, she's totally a woman. But then there's martial artists and then regular endocrinologists. They go, whoa, whoa, hold on a second. You're not talking about just regular sports. You're not talking about someone who's competing

in, say, fucking mountain bike racing a second. You're not talking about just regular sports. You're not talking about someone who's competing in, say, you know, fucking mountain bike racing or something. Yeah. Renee Richards. There was another one who was a mountain bike racer. I forgot Renee Richards. A mountain bike racer who dominated all the women in her first professional event.

It was beating them like fucking 10, 15 seconds faster than everybody. And I was like, what the fuck? And these were like a lot of people like encouraged her to get into, you know into competing as a woman. And then, you know, just the inherent differences of the fucking male and female frame really get highlighted when you watch somebody beat the shit out of somebody. Absolutely. Who is a natural born woman versus someone who's becoming a woman.

Certain things you can't change. Joe, do you remember Superfoot Wallace? Fuck yeah, I do. Do you remember when the woman went up against him on Why World of Sports? No. Why did she do that? I wonder if it's still around. Well, it wasn't even, can't be because.

A kickboxing match with Bill Superfoot? Yes. Why did a woman do that? I don't know. Because Billie Jean King and the whole movement was in full swing. And this broad comes running out and he fucking drops her like a used rubber. Oh, no. Fucking the first two.

I came up with a roundhouse or just a punch. Probably a hook kick or a punch, because he had the best hook kick in the business. I think it was, I want to say it was a kick to the head. Then they drag her back to her corner. Then they sit her up again, and they send her out again, and he does it again. No way. Yes. Really?

I'm up as a kid going, what the fuck? Cheering. There's a woman named Lucia kid going, what the fuck? Cheering. There's a woman named Lucia Riker who's probably one of the best women boxers of all time, and she fought a guy. And it was like one of the first men versus female. She just fought a mediocre guy. And she's like a world champion. Like Christy Martin was ducking her.

All these women were ducking her. Christy Martin. I forgot about her. Remember her? Yes. The coal miner's daughter? This Lucia Riker chick was arguably one of the best female boxers of all time.

Got fucking lit up like a Christmas tree by this dude and knocked dead. Just whomp. He caught her with a punch and just fucking turned the lights out in Georgia and she face planted. It was ugly. Because you know, you're watching a guy beat the shit out of a chick. It doesn't matter if they're the same weight class. It doesn't matter if they're the same weight class.

It doesn't matter if they have the same amount of body mass. It's a different structure. Well, like Chris Rock said, you know, we were talking about that. He goes, yeah, you still have a 105-pound chin, though. Yeah. You know, that's the difference or whatever. Well, men can definitely take punches better for the most part. I mean, there's guys that are built much more slender and feminine but right this this one woman who

used to be a man is not it's not built feminine you know you get man shoulders and fucking man hands man hands hit harder man shoulders are wider the whole deal it's just but the point being until then i had not experienced the full impact of the progressive movement, the full aggressive response. Right. Totally illogically. I'm like, look, we're not talking about her right to be a woman. I fully support that. I wouldn't know what it was like to be born a man who wanted to be a woman.

Exactly. It would be miserable probably. I fully support you changing your sex. No problem at all. Change your gender. No problem at all. I have no problem with it. I'll call you whatever the fuck you want. But if you beat the shit out of my sister i'm probably going to come after you

i'm just going to be honest with you i try to be tolerant until i find out that you did not disclose the fact used to be a man and my sister's in the fucking hospital because you shinder in the head you know it's like this is a different world you're talking about you're talking about the world of combat sports right that's my world and i'm telling you right now there's a big goddamn difference between the way a man hits a bag And the way a woman hits the bag You watch the difference I don't know how much gets taken away

By that sex change But not enough It's just too much Scoop more out You know what you can't change dude? That You can't change the size of the. You can't change the size of the fists. You can't change the...

Yeah, the frame. The frame. If that woman dies, and a thousand years from now, scientists dig up her body, they're going to go, oh, there's a dude. That's a dude skeleton. That's right. They're not going to know that it was transgender. It's a woman.

They're not going to know that. They're going to say, this is a male skeleton. That's right. Look at the hips. Those are male hips. That was a boundary that even feminists used to stay away from, but now they seem to be pushing that. I was at Gotham a couple of years ago on a fight break.

It had nothing to do with me on stage. Two tables got into it, and there was women right in the middle of it swinging. Over what? I don't know. Someone was being loud, and another table complained, and there was boyfriends and girlfriends at the table, and then they just started fucking swinging on each other. And there was a girl right in the middle trying to hit the doorman, and the other doorman came over. Whoa. Fucking knocked out the doorman?

She know. He popped her. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Or the doorman knocked her out. You don't fuck around at Gotham. Those are all former cops. That's exactly right. Those are big fucking Irish square jawed savages that have knocked a lot of fucking heads loose. Yeah, and these chicks are right in the middle fucking trying to throw haymakers because

they bought into this shit. Yeah. You know what I mean? They're going a little too far with it. Did you see the woman trying to play football? No. On the internet? No.

Look it up. It was an indoor league or an arena league or whatever it's like first and goal from the five yard line she's a female running and i don't mean like a big like a small woman yeah she just thinks she's fast she tries to yeah they try to run her off tackle like four times and she each time she gets hit more even now it was like cringing i don't even know i don't even know her name it was like an indoor league or arena league but it said you know she was like the first one first female to play in a pro game that wasn't a kicker physical equality is non-existent it's

just non-existent and it's definitely it's not even existent inside the genders you know male like there's certain fucking men oh yeah there's guys who fight in the UFC. Oh yeah. Like this guy, Hector Lombard, this fucking freak of nature, this Cuban Olympian judo player who's this fucking knockout artist. You watch him fight and you're like, well, it almost is unfair that he fights regular people. Even though they're all 170 pounds That's a fucking different 170 pounds

Yeah But at least There's no fair when it comes to that shit And that's part of what it is to be a champion Like what is this 5 foot 2, 130 pound female running back Plays a professional football game Watch the

Oh no Oh she's still alive Alright There's the two guys that knocked her out Why would she do that? She was taking shots like I have. Yeah, that's it. Please play that part.

That's it. And they give the ball to her like three times in a row. Are we going to get pulled from YouTube? Let's see. Give it a shot. Give it a shot. It might not even work. We'll edit this, ladies and gentlemen.

And if we get pulled from YouTube, Jamie, I'll just edit that part out. You can Google it. What's the name of it? It's called 5'2". We'll edit this, ladies and gentlemen, and if we get pulled from YouTube, Jamie, I'll just edit that part out. You know, I think- You can Google it. What's the name of it? It's called 5'2". It's on Daily Mail. 5'2", 130-pound female running back plays in professional football game. But I think the video was actually pulled from this website, so-

Oh, really? Yeah. By your husband. Yeah, because this is not playing. The fucking United Nations. It's a crime against humanity. That's exactly right. Here's a picture, though. Oh, God. Look at her getting smashed. That's not playing. The fucking United Nations. It's a crime against humanity. Here's a picture, though. Oh, God.

Look at her getting smashed. That's not it. Look at her face, though. That's not her. Well, that might be her. That's it. That's the clip. Oh, here we go.

Jesus Christ. Ooh. That was her about to go in. They just smashed her. You get up. She gets her round of applause for getting up. She's not dead. That's fucked for getting up. She's not dead. That's fucked up. Congratulations.

She's not dead. They give her the ball three times in a row, and each hit is more savage. I'm sitting there going, what the fuck? But she's tough as nails because she didn't go off the field. That's her. You see her fly? You see her go flying through the air? Yeah, that dude just threw her. Don't. Let's

not watch this. I don't want to watch that. Yeah, people can get crazy. I laughed. Why would you laugh? It makes me sad. Be a chick trying to play against. Yeah, I have daughters. I don't want them to be that stupid.

Well, you wouldn't want them to do that, would you? I put them, I can do it. I can't control them. They become adults. They can do whatever the fuck they want. You're giving that mind-altering shit you're doing. Joe, you got to see this last one, though. Okay.

This humongous guy. Oh, no. Here you go. This is horrible. Here we go. Watch this. She's got the ball. Boom.

Oh, fucking Christ. Look at you. Plops right up, though. That's a tough chick. Oh, yeah. Oh, she's probably played, I guess, before. You got to juice. You got to juice.

Even if she's juicing, you know. God, I mean, you're going to have to juice for gotta juice if you do even she's juicing you know god i mean you're gonna have to juice for so long that you actually became a man we had a um a guy in the podcast that used to be a woman and became a man uh buck angel she's kind of i mean well when she was a woman she was built like slender and now he's a man and he's pretty thick and he at one point in time he got to like 185. He was fucking yoked. But he said it was like too much pressure on the joints because he's just fucking banging testosterone, doing deadlifts.

But there's only so much that changes. It doesn't change the size of your fucking face and the size of your hands. All that stuff gets smashed. Let me ask you a question. How does Stallone, he's 68, he's still juicing, right? Yeah. I watch his movies and he's ripped. He's more than 68 now.

I think he's almost 70. Yeah, I'm ready to juice. Yeah, you should do it. Yeah, it's testosterone replacement therapy. Really? Yeah, I do it. Give me a name of a doctor. I'm dead serious.

I got the physique of fucking Buddy Ebsen. Yeah, listen, it makes- Another Beverly Hills- I do it. Give me a name of a doctor. I'm dead serious. I got the physique of fucking Buddy Ebsen. Yeah. Listen, it makes- Another Beverly Hills- The bottom line, Stallone is 68, yeah. He's my canary in a coal mine. As long as that fucking guy's alive, we're all good. I'm telling you.

Yeah. Look, there's a lot of science involved in it. Right. If you go to the right doctor- Doctor, right. And you make sure that you get your level, your blood levels checked on a regular basis, it's not any more dangerous than aging. Aging is fucking terrible for you.

That's actually a great point. Aging gets you no matter what you do. Everybody dies from aging. And the people are like, oh, that's eventually going to kill you. Oh, like, unlike life. Well, I'm going to get cheated out of a month. Listen, you know, he's going to do a new Rambo. He's doing a new fucking Rambo.

I know. Jesus Christ. He's calling it. Last Blood, somebody said. Is that real? And somebody made a menopause joke about it. I figured who it was. Last Blood.

Somebody said that already. Hilarious. Man, there's never been a fucking 68-year-old guy that looks like him. No. I mean, I'm sitting home. My wife says I'm in love with him, and I kind of am. I like Stellanto. He sucks me in.

And I don't like those. Look at that. Get the fuck out of here him, and I kind of am. I like Stellante. He sucks me in, and I don't like those. Look at that. Get the fuck out of here. Look at that picture of him. Look at that picture of him. When was that? That's recent. Look at that.

That's recent. How is that possible, man? Testosterone. That's what's missing from old people. So my GNC pills that say testosterone, I'm not cutting it? Those help a little. Do they? You know what helps a lot is deadlifts and squats.

I'm not doing that. Hill sprints. And anytime you do something that's like compound exercises that require your body to put out a lot of energy, like big bursts of energy, like... Those force your endocrine system to fire up. Because your body's like, this motherfucker's going to be lifting weights. He's going to do this all the time.

We've got to produce a lot more hormones than we regularly are. But if you just sit around in a fucking office and you don't exercise, your testosterone levels are just, your body only does what it has to do. That's right. That's why people get muscle atrophy when they don't work out. Your muscles shrink because your body's like,

we don't need these. That happens to young people. If you don't work out, your body's like, we don't need these yeah that happens to young people if you don't work out your body's like we don't need this that's the same thing when you get old if you get old and you're not lifting weights your bone density decreases that's right a lot of shit happens my my joints though i did p90x right i did you know you're supposed to do it for 90 days i did it for like 11 months i got obsessed obsessed with it. Whoa. And I dropped like 10 pounds, which is all I wanted to drop. I was in like this. I did this like, it ended about a year and a half ago.

But I kept doing it. You're only supposed to, and there's a reason you're only supposed to do it, because it's kind of tough on your joints. So I did it for like 11 months. And all of a sudden I got up, my knees are clicking and my fucking hips. And it's not because of, it's not because of P9, it's because I abused it. Right. You know what I mean? There's a lot of jump acts. There's a lot of stuff that people say is kind of because of P90. It's because I abused it. Right. You know what I mean?

There's a lot of jump acts. There's a lot of stuff that people say is kind of out of fashion now. Out of fashion? Well, not out of fashion, but you know what I mean. Just not for a guy in his 50s. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, there's some people that have some ideas about like limitations are a lot of times based on injuries. Like, oh, this guy got it.

He hurt his back. Well, don't do that anymore and you won't hurt your back. There's a lot of times based on injuries. Like, oh, this guy got it. He hurt his back. Well, don't do that anymore and you won't hurt your back. There's a lot of ideas that people have. But it's all about knowing your body, knowing how much stress you put on your body, and giving your body plenty of recovery time. And then giving your body the right nutrients to recover, like fish oil, vitamin D, protein, a full range of multivitamins. This is super important for your body. And food, like eating the right foods. That's very important.

Like all the vitamins in the world are not going to help you if you're eating fucking cheeseburgers every day. Of course. Mm-hmm. Did you eat healthy when you were doing that? Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot of salmon, a lot of chicken, a lot of protein, vegetables.

That's good. You know what I mean? Just enough carbs to fuel me, and it worked. Yeah. It worked fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. It did everything, because your heart rate goes through the roof. No, there's no doubt.

I just abused it. I had never done anything that worked like that since I was in my 20s, and I played football in college. I was the best shape I was in, and I was like, holy shit. And that's what we were doing back then. We were doing a lot of plyometrics and stuff. Right, right. And that's what we did in college. I was in great condition but i couldn't i was doing it six times a week and you're supposed to stop after 90 days i didn't know you're supposed to stop i

just thought it was well if you're in your 50s you are you know i mean if you're if you're 25 you can fucking do it for three years i'm sure the guy who does it is like 50 isn't he oh he's older than that now tony yeah tony great shape i know do you know there's another one that you can do that's called the extreme uh kettlebell cardio workout by this guy keith weber there's not no jumping and none of that stuff it's all just one i do it with a 35 kettlebell yeah i saw that out there i try to pick it up and i go well i'm done with that shit that's 70 pounds so that's a heavy one this This one was a light one. It's just a full cardio workout. It's fucking...

You pick up a 35-pound kettlebell. It feels like nothing. But after like a minute... Playing with it. Holy shit. You're like, how much time is this going to... It's a 45-minute workout? Oh, my God.

20 minutes in, your fucking legs are on fire. Your lungs are on fire. But it's very low stress on your joint because it's not a lot of weight. And it's not like no jumping or anything like that. I fucking love that workout. I do it all the time. It's fantastic. But it's like one of those ones, he's doing it, so you do it.

You follow along. Those are the best ones. That's what's good about that P90X. Right. Right. Exactly. Do what they're doing and then it's over and you're done. You show up.

Yeah. That's the problem is fucking just actually doing shit. So many people are like, I want to get in shape. Just fucking do it. That's all. Just fucking do it. Nobody does it. They just fucking talk about it.

They talk about it. He said that in one of the things. He goes, just show up and hit play. And that actually set off a thing in my head. No matter how shitty I felt, I'd go down there and go. Yeah. You know? I always give myself advice. Like a lot of times when I land somewhere, I'm like, oh, I don't I'd go down there and go, you know? I always give myself advice.

Like a lot of times when I land somewhere, I'm like, oh, I don't want to go to the gym. And I go, come on, pussy, man up. And then I tell myself, I go, all right. I pretend like I'm talking to me, and I call myself a pussy, and then I just go. But I always feel better when I do. It's like knowing when you feel like shit because you're getting sick and knowing when you feel like shit just because you don't Want to do it this motherfucker gets up. I'll tell you what that motherfucker gets up He's that picture up Brian. I read an article. He said he when he was you know when he was doing the

the Expendables no the first blood Rambo he was so obsessed with working out, he'd be out in South Beach, shit-faced, and then go right to the gym, drunk, at three in the morning. Really? Yeah, while he was drunk. Stallone would work out drunk? Yes, he said he was obsessed with it.

I didn't even know he got drunk. That's what he said. Well, he said he was at bars. I'm guessing that's what he was doing. And he'd go right to the frigging gym. That's hilarious. At three in the morning. Well, if you follow The Rock, follow The Rock's Instagram page.

If you ever want to feel like a lazy fuck, follow The Rock's Instagram page. He'll like fucking fly somewhere at five o'clock in the morning. And he's like, touchdown, 5 a.m. Gym, 530. Oh, fuck that. And he's at the gym doing fucking squats. I saw he has the kettlebells. He on it kettlebells.

Yeah, yeah. He's on it. I'll fly to a hotel in the gym. I can see it from my room. I won't go to it now. Just stare at it. It's too far away. That equipment's old.

It's going to get me hurt. It's a Nautilus. They're outdated. They're bad for your joints. Pull that picture up. Look at this motherfucker. 70 years old. That is hilarious.

Yeah. Look how he's looking out the window. You don't have to shoot somebody or kill somebody or something. He's got a friggin' nine pack. Yeah. He's an actor. Look at him. That's true. If I knew somebody, you know, if I knew 12 million

people were going to see me, I'd actually put in the time. Yeah, I mean. But when it's my wife, who gives a fuck? Yeah, listen, bitch. You're going to suck it whether you like it or not. Either that or we're getting divorced you decide you wanna be lonely Rude that's a great idea. I never thought about that what use divorce like suck it or divorce. You're it's not a good idea That's why you're not married Yeah, I say yeah, I say something ridiculous and he's like what a great idea I'm joking around. He's like hey, this is doctrine. Let me write I say something ridiculous, and he's like, yeah, what a great idea.

I'm joking around. He's like, hey, this is doctrine. Let me write this down. Wait, when did you get married? Five years ago. Was it five? Oh, I know you get kids, but for some reason I didn't think you were married. I held off for a while.

I think marriage is ridiculous, but I'm not going anywhere. I have kids. I love having kids. I even enjoy being married, but I don kids. I love having kids. I even enjoy being married. But I don't. I think the idea of a legal contract with the state and a legal, more ridiculous, is the idea that you bring a bunch of people that you don't even know. And if you decide to break up, they decide where all the money goes. You have to split things up. I've had some friends that have gone through some absolutely fucking brutal divorces where you understand what divorce really is. It's a business.

I mean, the marriage system in this country and the encouragement is involved in getting married is about selling diamonds. That's a big one. And then distribution of assets, which a big part of go to the legal system. That's what people don't think about. Phil Hartman was the first one to fucking turn me on to that. But how about the flip side? You know, illegitimate kids and all that, and the isolation of the family and how that

turns out. Well, what's legitimate and what's not? I mean, if you're together, and you're the father and she's the mother, you fucking jump over a broom like they did in Roots, and you say we're married. You know, I have friends that have kids that they change their names and they're not married. You know, they decide we don't need to do this legally. I have friends that got married on a lark. They're not really married.

They got married by a friend. And they went through a whole ceremony. Doug Stanhope did that. He got married and was like a fake. And then when she went crazy, he was like, well, I guess I'll not be married anymore. Then he doesn't have to go to court. I didn't know Stanhope got married. Yeah, he got married a while back. How crazy Then he doesn't have to go to court. He doesn't have to stay and hope to get married. Yeah, he got married a while back.

How crazy is that? It wasn't real, though. It wasn't real. It was just like they did everything except sign the actual papers. They wore the rings or whatever. But if he went to court, if she took him to court, I bet she could fuck him. Oh, yeah. I bet back then while they were together.

She'd get all his suits. Yeah, she'd get all those fucking goofy suits he wears. Isn't there like a law if you live with somebody for over seven years that's a domestic partner that could be kind of common law marriage? That's right.

Is that in all states? I don't think so. I think it varies state by state, but California, it's definitely, it exists in California. There's also a thing

about being married more than a certain amount of time. I have a friend who was married for 12 years and this, you know, fucking towards the end, it was brutal, he couldn't deal with it anymore.

No kids, broke up with her, has to pay alimony for the rest of her life. Forever. She, apparently, because he paid for her for 12 years, I mean, she's like 49, 50, she might live. She's paying him? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's paying her forever. Oh, I she's like 49, 50. She might live... She's paying him? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's paying her forever. Forever. He's paying her forever.

They were married when she was 30. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is California. California divorce laws. I thought you were talking about America. When you go through... It's the People's Republic of California. When you go through a certain amount of years of marriage in California,

you are obligated, if you're the guy who's, what is it, the caretaker? I don't know how they describe it. If you're the guy who's got the money. Would that friend be Kurt Russell? No. It's a different guy. What was he doing? Kurt Russell was never married, right?

They never got married. Because of that. Goldie Hawn. Well, they both have money, though. I know. My friend was married. His wife was just fucking getting her nails done, bringing her little fucking tiny dog to get it washed.

He has to pay her for the rest of her life. He's married now to another woman, and he pays her exorbitant amounts of money every month. And she lives in his old house in the fucking Palisades, his sweet house, and she moved her boyfriend in. And when you're living with a man, then it's supposed to be he he's not supposed to pay anymore so he brings an investigator into the situation the investigator goes and they check the house the guy moves out when the investigator comes he's around the corner with a fucking u-haul as soon as they leave comes back around moves his shit back in and they go through this little dance where they do if she gets married again he doesn't have to pay her anymore but then she'd lose out on hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I mean, I think he pays her something like $600,000 or $700,000 a year.

Well, that's why, and I'm not saying this is justified, but that's why a lot of guys snap. Oh, yeah. I mean, same with all the child custody thing. It's all favored towards the mom in that case. And guys fucking snap. Well, in some cases- I'm not saying it's justified but they do yeah the the systems are fucked up because first of all these people don't know you so if you go into court and you know it's everyone's trying to present their

argument like they're the perfect person i'm the perfect husband i was the perfect dad i you know my wife is a crazy bitch you know i was the perfect mom my husband they weren't there yeah the lawyers i've also had friends that their um their wives when they're breaking up will file a restraining order and say that he was threatening and being abusive and if it's just you and her alone they can say all kinds of crazy shit and that's where a guy would snap well i mean if you're gonna ruin my life i have a friend who was a woman who was getting divorced and her lawyer advised her to do that and she was like what like she couldn't fucking believe she's like no he's not

violent i'm not gonna do that but he's like look it'll favor you in court you know say that you know say that he was abusive say that he threatened you and you can you know and he like phrased it in a way where he wasn't suggesting it he was saying one of the best ways to ensure, you know, favor with the court is if your husband was abusive. Has he been abusive? Has he ever said anything violent to you? You know, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Yeah. Like, and she's like, are you insinuating? He's like, well, I'm just saying that if you did that and she's like, stop, I'm not going to do that. Well, have you, have you seen that movie gone girl yes holy shit that was kind of a good example of that holy shit good movie fuck yeah dude you haven't seen it no because

it seems like a chick flick it seems like it well it's it's weird it's it i can't get past the it's the opposite of a chick but well it is it's to me i don't know i i have my own take i can't watch too much shit out of Holly without seeing the fucking angry feminist head rearing its fucking face and everything. In that movie?

Yes. It was just an... Do you see how much hate if you listen to the... It was unbelievably well written, but that's a hateful woman who wrote that shit. She hates men

with a fucking patch, but then they can justify it at the end by going, well, the woman's the crazy bitch in the movie. That's what they do. Spoiler alert. Listen, don't say any more, because people, if you haven't seen that movie, it's a good

fucking movie. Well, what happens in the end, no. I watched it in a hotel room. I forget how it ended already. I watched it in a hotel room in Vegas. I was like fucking by myself, and I was like, eh, I don't want to go to bed, see what's on TV. It was like one o'clock in the morning.

I'm like, I'm going to watch this until I fell asleep. Ten minutes in, I'm fucking white knuckling the pillow at the edge of the bed going, what the fuck? But it was so slickly, I don't know. The dialogue was so slick. And I'm like, people really talk like that? But the venom and the hatred towards men, that's what I was getting out of it. I didn't get that at all.

Were you listening? You were half asleep in a hotel room. I had two pots of coffee in me. I was sitting afoot from the TV yelling at it. Going, this broad is vicious. But it was really, really mean and well written and she's got books out. Her last name's Flynn. Apparently the book is really good.

Apparently the book is more complex and it's more of like a murder mystery. Whereas in the movie, you know, they're condensing it down to two hours or whatever the hell it was but you didn't see like the way she was categorizing guys you know his idea of a fantasy would be a fucking reality show marathon and with his hand down his pants you ever said shit like that about a woman and a fucking movie please it drill you out of hollywood no but I just felt like they were telling a story. And given the scenario without telling what the movie's about, it totally made sense.

It makes sense, but it's also coming from, you know, it's a woman writing that shit down. It's coming out of her filthy hole. And if a guy ever did the equivalent, you couldn't get the movie made. It wouldn't get green lit I'm just saying I want equality If you're gonna be a fucking douchebag I want the right to be a douchebag back

Well it used to be There used to be Smack women in movies Those Cary Grant movies Well that shit happened in real life Get it together Smack Smack

Well how about you know who Who sticks the grapefruit In his wife's face Archie Bunker No Who sticks a grapefruit In his wife's face? Archie Bunker? No. Who sticks a grapefruit in his wife's face in a movie? Yes. Fuck.

I can't believe I'm going. That's what I'm talking about, the caffeine. That would hurt your eyes. Cagney. James Cagney. Oh, really? Yeah, he goes, I wish you were a wishing well, and you'd fucking sink or something. He sticks a grapefruit in his wife's face at the kitchen table.

It's beautiful. I play it on a loop in my house. But I mean, I wish, you know, it's going too far the other way now. Well, you could smack

women in the face and they would kiss you afterwards. Yes. Those days were different. What was going on back then where you could just smack women? Was there a lot of like

women beating back then? They weren't so cunty. Is that what was going on yeah they've bought into this feminist they're gonna to follow themselves yeah but i mean why was the guy hitting her in the first place how about just have a conversation well she burnt his eggs i mean come on let's be no i don't know of course oh nicholas how dare you oh my god this is horrendous they're gonna come after you nick de pa This is horrendous. They're going to come after you, Nick DiPaolo. Who? The feminists. They're not going to come to your shows anymore.

No, exactly. I would hope they started picketing. Play it. Play it. Let's hear it. You guys are great, man. Let's hear it. There you go with that wishing stuff again. Watch it.

I wish you was a wishing well. So that I could tie a bucket to you and sink you. Whoa. Maybe you found someone you like better. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That was harder than I thought. Oh, my God.

That's all she said is maybe you found someone you like better? And he fucking palms her in the face with a grapefruit? That was hard for the actress. I didn't realize it was that hard either. You know where I saw that? On The Sopranos. Tony Sopranos watching that movie at home. I think it's Public Enemy or something.

And that's where I first saw that. I go, holy shit, how'd they get away with that? Jesus Christ. Look at his face. He kind of hit her. Well, it's like, you know who? When Al Pacino slaps, you know who? In The Godfather across the face.

Yeah, that was like a palm strike. Yeah, that was crazy. Yeah. That was not just like a mush to the face. It had some snap to it. It was the heel of the hand. Yeah. That hurts.

I might have saw a different take. That really did look rougher than the one I remember. I take that back. That was horrible. Well, not only that. Girls, I'm with you on that bad. That was horrible. Well, not only that. Girls, I'm with you on that one. He was a real dick. All she said was,

maybe you found someone better. Maybe you found someone you like better. She sounded like Jimmy Dangle. Yeah, she was being fairly reasonable. Yeah, she wasn't even screaming. See, but that's just it. 10 years ago, you probably saw that and was like, yeah, she deserved it,

but we're all getting pussified in the last 50 years ago Brian that movies from 50 fucking years. That's a long time ago more than 50 years ago that movies from like the 50s Right, yeah, yeah, maybe even why maybe even 40 yeah, but will James Cagney public enemy I don't even know if that's public enemy Girls always had that that old school hair. That old school. Yeah, that wavy. Like that Fay Wray had when King Kong picked her up.

Right? That was before Flatirons. And they also had like fluffy shit around the end of their sleeves. Like that was super common. Looks like she's fisting a poodle. Like if your wife showed up at the dinner table and she's wearing a shirt like that, you'd be like, what the fuck are you wearing that for? Joe, how about his pajamas?

His pajamas are excellent. The little nightcap guy. It's like Mike Brady snapping. Yeah, it's like what you wear in jail when you're breaking rocks with a hammer. 1931, Public Enemy. Whoa, 1931. 31.

Oh my God. I think that was it. I think that's Public Enemy. Yeah, social media back then was a newspaper. Yeah, right. I mean, there was no one. I think that's public enemy. Yeah, social media back then was a newspaper. Yeah, right. I mean, there was no one. Social media between people? Shit.

There was nothing. Nobody had a voice back then. It was kind of nice. It was quiet. But it's interesting because you could kind of shape society with movies. Like a movie like that where you see James Cagney hit a chick in the face with a grapefruit. That would be imitated by people who went to see that movie yeah so you don't think that happens now godfather oh yeah it definitely does but at least now you have like people that counter that like

this is horseshit right this this gone girl is fucking feminist tropes bullshit you know or this this gone girl as it shows you the you know the misogynistic patriarchal society that we live right there's arguments people can have their own sides and debate it. Back then, you watched it. Chick got hit with a grapefruit. And then you went home and you hit your wife with a grapefruit. Now you hit her with a panini. I mean, how many people have watched movies and thought, that's how to behave?

I saw this in a movie, so this is what you do. I mean, it's got to be pretty fucking common, right? Hell yeah. Well, just look at all the Scarface t-shirts. Scarface. You know what I mean? How how many here's a role model huh has there ever been a fucking movie where a guy was like more of an anti-hero that became like a never right a drug dealer murderer who's coked out of his fucking mind became like an iconic cultural figure no i know it says something about where we're headed. But everybody loved that movie.

I fucking loved that movie. I liked the movie, but I didn't love him. I wouldn't wear a fucking, give my kid a t-shirt with his face on it. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's what's crazy. You see a little five-year-old kid with a Scarface shirt. You're like, what? Kid's like, where's the fucking Yale, huh?

First you get the money. Then you get the power. Then you get the pussy Say hello To the bad guy When he's leaving the restaurant Holy shit I didn't know Joe was doing a

He's dead on I'm putting mine away That was embarrassing That was a good fucking movie That was a good fucking movie How about me When I go to see that I go to see it the day it came out

And so it was really crowded At the theater. This is my hometown in Danvers. I sneak down by the ropes waiting for the doors to open so I can run in and sit in the front for the next showing. The doors open. What do I see? Him falling in the pool. Oh.

I just went into denial. I'm like, that's not him. That was just probably some side character. So you didn't know. That's what I saw. That's terrible. That ruins everything. Spoiler alert.

Yeah, but... It happens. Double spoil. That's a fucking spoiler, if there ever was one. But he became a weird guy. You know, like, later in his movies, he became, like, this real overactive guy. Kind of big. Yeah. Too big.

Like, where, like, you know, it just didn't matter. Like, it was always, like, he's trying to sell shit material or something like that. it just didn't didn't matter like it was it was like always like he's trying to sell shit material or something like that it just wasn't good anymore but you go back to back to dog day afternoon you know how fucking good was he that was a movie about a transgender guy right who's trying to get money for his friend to get a sex change that's right they're robbing a bank and it wasn't it based on a true story i believe i think so i think so that was a great fucking based on a true story? I believe. I think so. I think so. That was a great fucking movie. It was based on Larry Ambrose, wasn't it?

Ha ha! He was fucking good back then. God damn, he was good. Yeah. It's like him and, I watched some fucking trailer for a movie. I almost watched it for a goof. It was De Niro and Stallone.

I know. Not Stallone. Grudge Man. Travolta. No. That was terrible. I kind of liked it. I thought it was kind of cute. Oh, good Lord. Kind ofone. I know. Grudge Man. Travolta. No. That was terrible. I kind of liked it. I thought it was kind of cute.

Oh, good Lord. Kind of cute. I really did. I bet you did. Worse than that, far worse than that, was De Niro and Travolta. Travolta plays a Russian hitman, and De Niro is like some fucking CIA guy. It was one word. Oh, my God.

It is the worst fucking trailer. You watch the trailer, and you're like, who greenlit this horrible piece of shit that I'm watching here? Yeah, and what happens when the two characters in the movie are that famous, you're watching De Niro chase Travolta. You're not watching a Russian guy chase. Yeah. You know what I mean?

With a shitty Russian accent. Terrible. Killing season. Oh, it's so bad. But De Niro, over the last few years, it seems like they just give him movies, and he's like, all right, I'll do that. Fuck it. Oh, yeah.

Pay my fee. I'll fucking do it. Yeah. Even the poster looks bad for that movie. Oh, it's so bad, dude. It's so bad. I would say- With the Amish beard?

I would say play the Amish beard. I would say play the trailer but we'll definitely get kicked off of YouTube for that fucking trailer that piece of shit it's like the hunting in Central Park

when they pissed at each other it's such a bad movie remember when De Niro did that movie with like he did like a fantasy movie like one of those

fucking wizard sorcerer movie with what the hell's her name the chick from the sharon stone it was i think it was her sharon stone and de niro and some awful fucking unicorn wizard movie what was that movie that was called paycheck. I mean, what is he spending his money on? How much money does that guy have? Well, it's funny because not as much as you think.

Because there was a whole article a few years ago about him having money problems. Really? Yeah. And he just bought a bunch of property upstate New York. There it is. Stardust. Look at this fucking piece of shit. I don't even remember that.

He's a wizard or something. I don't even remember that. He's a wizard or something. I don't even remember that. It got a 7.7 on IMDb. Fuck you, IMDb. Find out what Showgirls has on IMDb. 9.7. That's a legitimately good movie because it's so bad. Which one?

Oh, Showgirls, yeah. Legitimately good. What was her name? Elizabeth Spurkling? 4.5. That's it? Yeah. Outrageous.

That's about right. But how does that one have a 7.7 then? 7.7 is almost fucking 8. You know? Yeah. 8 is almost 9. 9 is almost perfect. Right?

That's horseshit. That stupid train movie is 95% on Rotten. What train movie? Snowpiercer. Oh, yeah. That doesn't make any sense. Did you see that thing, Snowpiercer? No.

It's one of those indie movies. People like movies that were made for like 50 bucks. When they find out movies were made cheap and it was made in-house, oh, these guys made it. They all got together. They chipped in. They got a Kickstarter. Everybody gets real excited.

They did it in Marin's garage. Where he does his podcast. While he was doing it, they would shoot behind him. Yeah, they do it in the background. I don't know. I didn't even know about this movie. What? Did you know that there was a

sequel to whatever that one is called Little Fockers, where it's just about little babies? Oh, Jesus. That's right. What the the fuck are you serious dustin hoffman he did the meet the fuckers movies but yeah he's been cashing in he really has you right he wasn't bad in the first one though the first one wasn't that no that was funny it was actually pretty funny but he's what was the movie he played there was uh fuck um it was a movie he played There was a fuck It was a movie that De Niro did recent god damn it. I gotta go to De Niro's IMDb Las Vegas the family

No, oh the family wedding silver linings playbook. No, no, no There was a good it was actually a fairly decent fucking movie limit where he played practical magic with Sandra he played some mob guy. Practical Magic with Sandra Bullock. He played some mob guy. That's it. The one he said. The family. Which is it? Family.

I think that's it. Is that it? I think that's it. The Good Shepherd? The family. The family. The family? It's kind of a spoof on the mob.

No, it wasn't a spoof. Fuck. God damn it. The Godfather? I'm not going to know this. Not Limitless. Not Killer Elite. Not Being Freelancers.

No. Big Wedding. No. Killing Seat. No. That was the one we just talked about. Oh, Copland was good. Was it American Hustle?

That was good. What the fuck was American Hustle? Oh, it was American Hustle. It was American Hustle. Yeah. Louis was in that. Yeah, he was in American Hustle. De Niro was? Yes. Yes. He was good in that movie. What was he doing? I forget. He was good Hustle. It was American Hustle. Louis was in that. Yeah, he was in American Hustle. De Niro was?

Yes. Yes. He was good in that movie. What was he doing? I forget. He was good in that movie. I must have fallen asleep. They were trying to set somebody up, and he happened to know Arabic, and the guy was playing

like a fake Arab. There was an undercover cop who was playing a fake Arab. I think that's what it was. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was actually good in that movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one of the rare American Hustle. That was a good Arab. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one of the rare American Hustle. Okay, that movie has 7.3. American Hustle, which was a great movie, has a 7.3.

Those fucking twats. They're playing with our emotions. I never saw it. How does that have a 7.3? It's a good fucking movie. American Hustle is like a 9. It's a really good movie. And what's her name? Jennifer Lawrence. Oh, good Lord. She's a good fucking movie american hustle is like a nine it's a really good movie and uh what's her name jennifer lawrence oh good lord she's hot in that movie

yeah that was a good play what a good kid she is huh what a good kid what a good kid oh good's coming out of that leak uh i don't i don't have any problem with that it's beautiful girl but yeah i mean that's uh that's one of the rare movies that he's done over the last few years that was actually good. But that's what happens, man. That's a weird world. You know that world of the aging, older actor guy who used to be the iconic movie? There he is. Yeah, he played some fucking...

God, I forgot about that. Yeah. That's right. That's right. He was good in it, too. It was scary. He was legitimately scary. You give him a good role, he could still knock it out of the park oh yeah yeah he's enacted to the bar yeah it's just i guess it's like not that many good roles for a guy like that

or you know they go hey we got this movie it's independent is it stop click that's right yeah he's like listen Yeah Andy my ass Yeah it's not I'm De Niro for Christ's sake I got a mortgage But you mentioned It's funny that's an interesting thing About real successful

Famous actors And they get older There's a movie right now right With Michael Keaton About that Yeah About that very thing Did you see that

Did you see Birdman Not yet I heard it's really good Is it good Find out what that has On IMDB Fucking shit bag Review website Yeah it's Those guys Is it good? Find out what that has on IMDb Fucking shitbag Review website

Yeah, those guys, man They get to a certain age It's like there's not a lot of roles And women, it's way worse Because women aren't even scary 8.7 8.7, damn Birdman, respect

Yeah, like a woman like Faye Dunaway They get to a certain age Good fucking luck I know That's true. Definite double standard. Yeah, especially if it's money. You know, it's like a big money movie.

Like, you know, she was a major league movie star, probably making ridiculous amounts of money in her day. And then you get to a certain age, like, hey, we got nothing for you. Like Robin Williams was talking about that before he died. He was talking about why he went back to television they were saying you know he's like there's no money like you know he was in his 60s and people were coming to him with these roles that you know weren't that interesting or if they were interesting was an independent movie right no money

involved and then he started doing stand-up again remember he did a special yeah but stand-ups one of those things You can't fucking take a decade off and then get back in the saddle. You can't take a week off. You can't take a week off. Exactly. Isn't it weird like that? Absolutely. It's a muscle, stand-up.

It atrophies very quickly if you're not out there chopping away at it. Yeah, I remember I got knee surgery once, and I had to take a few weeks off. It took like three weeks off. I had my ACL reconstructeded and I went back on stage and I was nervous as fuck. I was like, whoa, isn't that weird?

Isn't that weird? That's how you know it's still a scary thing to do for a living because when you've been doing it 26, 27 years and you're still

a little nervous, that's when you know this is still fucking kind of a creepy thing that takes balls. You know what I mean? Especially for me when it gets nervous, racking is like right now, because I just released

a special, so after I released a special- I know what you're talking about. Put it away. It's all gone. I know. New shit now. Tell me about it. That's where you're at now too, right?

Absolutely. Terrifying. And I don't live in the city. I live 40 miles north of New York City now. Yeah. I got to drive in, and it's 80 miles a night. It's a real pain in the balls. It's 11 degrees

out i'm laying on my couch fucking eating a slice of peach and i get 11 10 at the cellar and you gotta do three sets no i don't those days anymore uh well you know i do i go to the stand this other club and i do a full half hour they let me do a full half hour so i can get something done and it really came in handy when i when i did this, another census killing at nickdip.com. Is that for me? Yeah, that's for you. Oh, that's fine. I heard the stand's one of the best new clubs out there.

I'm handing a billionaire a hand. Yeah. It's an intimate little, it's a small spot. Some nights it's got a really fee-fee feel to it. It's almost like- Fee-fee? Yeah, you do anything a little off color and they're like, ugh. Nick gets so angry.

He'll say some hateful, mean shit. Like, go out of your fucking liberals. Yeah, well, anything a little off color, and they're like, ugh. Nick gets so angry. He'll say some hateful, mean shit. Like, go out of here, fucking liberals. Yeah, well, that's true. Well, yeah, no. There's nights where I'm absolutely wrong. But you've got to admit, even Chris Rock said. Oh, really? He did a whole article how it's not even fun anymore.

The kids are so PC, and they get fucking bent on it. And this is coming from a black guy. You think he's going to get in trouble saying anything? Give me a fucking break. Colleges. He was talking about colleges. Colleges, too. And this is coming from a black guy. You think he's going to get in trouble saying anything? Give me a fucking break. Colleges. He was talking about colleges. Colleges, too. I stopped doing those a long time ago.

Joe, my second year in the business, I stopped doing colleges. Barry Katz sent me to Clark University, which is in Worcester. It's even liberal for a Massachusetts school. Really? Yeah. And I did some stuff about Middle Easterners or something. Some kid goes, what are you going to do, abortion next? So I just winged a bunch of hateful abortion shit.

And it's the only time I got off early in my life. They fucking hated me. That was like, honest to God, that was like 1991, three years after I started. That's hilarious. I've done a handful since. Now when you do them, they request, I'll do them if they request me and they know what's coming. I did one upstate a couple years ago, upstate New York, and surprisingly, they were open to anything I was saying.

Yeah, because they live in the boonies. You need to go to a shitty school. That's where you need to go. That's actually a good point. Yeah. If you go to Harvard, you're fucked. Oh, fuck. I did MIT when we first started.

Did you really? Yeah, but I had TV clean shit, and they liked it. It was really- TV clean. Yeah. I wasn't saying anything, and they liked it. TV clean. Yeah. I wasn't saying anything, and they liked it. Well, Nick and I came up in the time just after Stephen Wright had made it, was this big scramble.

It's like that movie, Stand Up, when Stand Up stood out. That's right. It's a Fran Salamita movie. Great fucking movie, right? It's all about the Boston scene, and it sort of really accentuates what happened in those days because Stephen Wright was such a rare talent that he came along and there was all these guys that had been around before him that were just doing

it to be funny and it was pure like there, Kenny Clark, all those guys, Mike Donovan, national level headliners. Yes. But they never went anywhere. They all stayed in town because all they were trying to do is make each other laugh and like get the respect of each other and kill the crowds. But this fucking guy, Stephen Wright, came along and his act was so unique and so weird that he got on television and all of a sudden he's this national huge superstar and so everybody kind of became like squeaky clean like tv guy and that's we came in right

when that was happening you were like a little bit ahead of me and right right when we came in we were like why is everybody so what how come we can't be you can't swear like what's well i don't remember sweeney ever doing that. Do you think Sweeney did it? No. He just stayed himself. He didn't budge. No, he's like, nah, not doing it.

He was already a huge star in Boston. In Boston. You know? But that's a good point, Stephen Wright, because the guy from The Tonight Show just happened to be in Boston. This is all part of that movie when stand-up stood out. The guy that books the comedians for The Tonight Show back in the 70s when Carson was hosting. It was the thing to do.

He was in town looking at schools for his daughter. And he saw the Ding Ho ad in the paper. And he went to the Ding Ho. That was where the first comedy club, that Chinese restaurant. Remember? And so he said, I'm coming there tomorrow night. So they made up a lineup. And almost every comic in Boston went.

And Stephen Wright was in the mix, and he's the only one that didn't do that well. When the show was over, all the comics went up to meet the guy, they were trying to shake hands with him, and Stephen Wright just left because he did so bad. That's what he says in the movie, and he's the one who got the call. Wow. Well, he was so unique.

Yes. That fucking act, man. I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Couldn't park anywhere near the police. Isn't that pot material? Yes, yeah. When I hear his stuff, I'm like, that has to be weed material. Hedberg is the best weed material guy of all time.

Do you know he lived next to me? Really? When I was in L.A., I moved a couple times. I moved to Sierra Bonita here in West Hollywood. Oh, yeah. And I move into this shitty building, and the guy goes, and this is before anybody who knew Mitch was, or he goes, you're a comedian, huh? I go, yeah. He goes, well, there's a stand-up comedian that lives right next to you. And I go, well, what's his name?

He goes, I don't know, Mitch something or whatever. And I'm like, I never fucking heard of him. And then, you know, about, I'd say, a month and a half later, two months later, I'm watching TV. I was on the road somewhere, and my neighbor's on Letter on lederman and i go this guy's as funny as anybody i've ever fucking heard in my life this guy lives next to me and then he did a joke about me because i used to bang on his wall he used to play guitar or his wife or his girlfriend did they used to have these sing-alongs and shit i'd bang on the wall like shut the fuck up and uh and uh lynn Fuck up. Lynn Shawcroft.

Yeah. Yeah. And so Zoe from the improv. Zoe Friedman? Yeah. She was in New York one night. She goes, she was there to help Mitch put his letter. She goes, you know, he has a bit.

It says DePaulo on the napkin. It says DePaulo on the napkin. And that's the bit about me banging on the wall. And he goes, there's no door. No, I've come around to something. There's something about the door opening or the wall opening. And I love that guy. He's banging on the wall, and he goes, there's no doorknob. Come around. There's something about the door opening or the wall opening. And I love that guy. He's banging on the wall.

There's no doorknob. I'm trying to watch a football game and they're doing sing-alongs. Oh, that's hilarious. I felt so bad. I remember leaving him a case of Heineken or something. Oh, that's cool. That's funny, man. That broke my heart.

He was a Heineken or something. Oh, really? Oh, that's cool. That's funny, man. But that broke my heart. He was a guy that got a development deal, like great stand-up, right? Killer stand-up. But then they wanted to put him on TV and put him in the movies and shit, and it just wasn't his thing. His thing was doing what he was doing. But that's the weird thing about Hollywood and stand-ups

is they take a stand-up, they go, man, what you need to do is you need to host a fucking talk show and they're like what are you having a fucking talk show host and they'll give a stand-up a talk show

or give a stand-up a sitcom and give them some fucking canned lines you're absolutely right but he did it for a little while and then was like

fuck this took his development deal money bought a cabin in Big Bear is that what he did? yeah I didn't know that he lived in fucking Big Bear man he lived way out really? Yeah. I didn't know that. He lived in fucking Big Bear, man.

He lived way up. Really? Yeah. Lane still lives there, I think. Well, they still own it, right? She still owns it. And yeah, he had a cool fucking cabin. He would just go to the mountains and hang out.

I was like, ooh, I like that guy. I live in the woods. I love that. That seems like comics. We like to do that. I lived in the woods for a while when I lived in Colorado. You lived in Colorado? Yeah.

My dog got eaten by a mountain lion. My wife got pregnant. The mountain lion, I could have talked your got pregnant the mountain lion i could have anything to do with each other no i could have killed the mountain lion we would have been fine i could have set that little fucker up but uh the uh i hate my dog man but my wife getting pregnant you we were at 8 500 feet above uh above boulder like 3 000 feet above boulder and it was really thin air and you if you're pregnant up there that's gonna be tough morning boulder And it was really thin air And if you're pregnant up there That's gonna be tough Morning sickness is brutal

It was like She had the flu every day So we had to get out of there And she didn't know How to drive in snow Well which one was it Joe? It was all the above It was everything

It was We were isolated man We were in the fucking woods And one of our neighbors Got his car Eaten by a bear And when I say What?

I mean They ate the fucking car. What kind of fucking, was it a mini coupe? Black bear. No. Bears, when they smell leather seats, they don't know that that's not food. So the bear- Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The bear got in. I bet I could find it. I bet I could find pictures of it. This is fascinating. Hold on. Bear eats car. I get cloth seats. My car is fine.

In Colorado. Because I My car's fine. Ew, Colorado. Because I saw the pictures online. I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Bears scare the shit out of me. I'd rather get eaten by a shark or whatever. The bear thing, to me. Yeah, I went- Ever since Legends of the Fall, I can't sleep.

I like eating bears. I like the idea that I get them. Any more coyote problems, Joe, with your chickens? I got coyote. You got chickens? Yeah. I used to have 24 chickens. Now I have 22.

Have you ever met a guy like this? Fucking does acid and raises chickens and fucking kung fu expert. Fucking crazy motherfucker. I like experiences, Nick DePaul. I know you do. I'm just saying. So anyway, this fucking bear in our neighborhood broke into this car and just ate it. I mean, fucking ate the car.

Ate the seats. Ate the dashboard. I'm trying to find the images. I can't fucking find them online. I should have bookmarked it. It's the craziest fucking thing you've ever seen. Because I would have think that a bear would... What's that?

What's going on with that bear? Holy Jesus! It fell off of a trampoline and... They shot it. And fell. They tranquilized it and it fell out of the tree. No. Yeah, it landed on a trampoline, so it just started bouncing.

No. Get the fuck out of here. I saw that. Really? Yeah. Is there a video? Yeah. Yeah.

It'll probably get us pulled from YouTube. Really? Yeah. There's people that own those videos. They make money off the ads. So if you play them on a podcast, they put you a copyrighted thing. Really? Yeah, it's a pain in the dick, man.

It's a real pain. Anyway, this fucking bear just absolutely, completely mauled this guy's car. And my wife is freaking out about that, too, because the fact that these fucking giant animals. And they weren't even that big. They were black bears. Yeah. is that one that did it what was it a salmon and terrier is this another uh it happens all the time because of people in national parks leaving like sandwiches in their cars and stuff period blood cars period blood bears are so fucking powerful when we went bear hunting i was with uh my friend cameron haynes and we were on the ground

maybe 20 feet or 20 yards rather in front of these fucking two bears that were fighting yeah that's i wouldn't do it was the craziest shit ever it was like watching a ufc with bears it was a male bear trying to get to the female and her cubs the cubs when they see a male bear they run up trees male bears eat cubs it's one of the first, yeah, and you don't want to be anywhere near a female bear and her cubs. Exactly. They'll eat, they'll kill anything. Exactly. Yeah. What were you doing there? Well, we couldn't move once we were

there. The last thing you want to do is run. Right. You don't even want to back up. No. Lay down. It's a big thing about bears is about It's about body language. If you back up, you're prey. They know. You're prey. They're dominant. So what do you do? Not your dick It's about It's about Body language If you back up You're prey They know

You're prey They're dominant So what do you do Give them the finger You have to stand up If bears come near you You have to stand up You don't lay down

You have to move towards them You don't play dead You have to get up And go like this Yeah And then they go like that Are you gonna do that really We did

You have to If you don't do it You get fucking eaten And I'm not bullshitting They ate a kid in Rutgers Just a few months ago. I know, the Indian kid. Yeah.

And then I made a joke about a bear shitting in the woods. Well, he does now. He ate Indian. Oh, how dare you. Spicy curry. That kid took pictures, too. You saw the pictures? Yep, yep.

People like to take selfies with bears. That's my worst nightmare. I'd rather a shark or a crip. You know, people have a lot of weird ideas about what bears are they have these ideas that somehow another bear is like these cute little cuddly forest creatures that are eating berries we grew up that way teddy bears we should not give kids that's a good point yeah the teddy bears so true well especially like what would you do for a klondike bar yeah fucking cola bears and coca-cola bears this is a real fucking coca-cola bear that's

what they do those Those goddamn polar bears, all they eat is meat. Everybody eats meat. What is that? A deer or something like that. Now, how does he get the blood off his fur? He doesn't. He goes swimming.

Does he go to the cleaners? He dabs it with some soda water. He swims. Or he just walks around with blood all over his face like a fucking G. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care what he looks like.

He's a polar bear. He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't care what he looks like. He's a polar bear. I got blood on my coat. They are goddamn terrifying animals. We played the video, didn't we, of the guy that was in that big plastic box, the giant plexiglass. Some guy for the BBC sets up this box, this huge bulletproof steel reinforced box in polar bear country. And this giant fucking polar bear comes over and he's trying to get him he's trying to eat the box and he's huge fucking mouth and this guy's inside this box shit his pants he's shaking the box you realize how strong those

fucking things are no i that's like i said i'd rather be in a shark cage have you ever seen the video i don't think so play him that. I think it's kind of good. Play him on this. Can you play it on that, Jamie? Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ. You have to see it because it's fucking goddamn terrifying. There's so many animals out there that are just unbelievably powerful and terrifying,

and we have these ideas about them based on cartoons. Oh, yeah. Loki and Boo Boo. All the really scary ones, like polar bears, grizzly bears. How about pandas? They're vicious, too. They're vicious, yeah. Loki and Boo Boo. You know? Like, all the, like, really scary ones. Like, polar bears, grizzly bears. Oh, how about pandas? Pandas are... They're vicious, too. They're vicious, yeah.

Koala. How about beavers? A guy got killed by a fucking beaver this year. Yeah, but that was a venereal disease. You can't help yourself, Mr. Polo! You're a fucking comic to the bone! To the bone! Is that the bear?

No, that's a white guy oh oh hey skip ad see that button yeah click that there it goes there we go look at this this fucking guy in this thing and if brian what is the name of this if folks want to watch it uh dumb fuck uh it's called starving polar bear bbc will bring it up. Oh, God. So this jackass decides he's going to sit in this big glass, bulletproof glass and steel box, and this bear just goes right to him. No fear. Endormous animal.

Probably fucking 1,300, 1,400 pounds. Look at the size of this fucker. Yeah, that's... Oh, God damn, this freaks me out. Look at the size of this fucker yeah that's oh god damn this freaks me out look at the cute little face and then he's

going to bite your head off no just holy Jesus well you don't even know wait until he gets

up there he's just smelling it right now he knows there's meat inside there so he starts getting really close and then he starts

trying to bite it look at this this is where it gets really crazy. He starts pushing it. He's tightening down the latches. Let me make sure. Yeah, good time to tighten the lug nuts. Meanwhile, I want to know how they even tested.

Look at the size of that fucking thing. You've got to be shitting me. How did they even test this thing? It's trying to get him. I mean, it is trying to open that thing up and get him. this thing it's trying to get him i mean it is trying to open that thing up and get him this guy one of the only animals that actually see us as food

yeah i would want a gun i wonder if he's got a gun in there yeah you have to have some have some kind of backup, right? Just in case if it does happen. I would hope someone who's filming that from a distance has something, like bear spray or something. Look at the size of this. Look at him trying to hug him. He's clawing at the fucking... Look at that. Oh, God.

See the teeth? Holy Jesus Christ. Yeah, because they're not like... Even grizzly bears, they'll eat berries and grass and they'll eat all sorts of plants, but not polar bears. And then wash it down with human blood. Polar bears don't have anything around except meat. All they're doing is just eating seals and the occasional hiker.

Yeah, they creep me out more than anything. They should. But meanwhile, look at this asshole swimming with one. The guy who's got his own pet. Look at that fucking jackass. And I went to school in Maine. They had fences up along the campus to keep the bears off the...

Really? Yeah. But those are black bears, right? Yeah. They're still dangerous. Apparently, black bears are more likely to kill people than brown bears. Just brown bears are bigger.

Oh, you're just being racist. Oh, what am I saying? Apparently, black bears will eat people more often than brown bears will. Brown bears are just bigger and stronger. Really? Yeah. Brown bears will avoid you, apparently, more than black bears will. But New Jersey, especially, has a real fucking problem.

I know. They got a real problem. I know. And I mean, I live in Westchester. What's the difference? And why'd you move out to Westchester? What made you want to live out there? Honest to God,

no tunnels, no bridges on the way into the city. That is nice. But the property taxes are through the roof and it's... But I love it. I love it. Oh yeah, it's the worst in the country. Really? Oh yeah. We mentioned like five different articles on the New York Times. But you're in like, that's... What part of Westchester?

Without telling anybody because people will stalk you. Up by the up by like Chappaqua area, Briarcliff. I was listening to you on Ari's podcast. You were talking about how your neighbor hunts in his fucking backyard. Yeah. Sometimes I'll look out the window and he'll be walking through our- Dragging a deer? Yeah.

Covered in blood and shit. Love this guy. Love this guy. Does he bring over meat? He gave me a venison roast for Christmas. Really? Covenant blood and shit. Love this guy. Love this guy. Does he bring over meat? He gave me a venison roast for Christmas. Really? Yeah. Did you cook it?

I love this guy. Not yet. No, a couple days ago. We were late exchanging gifts. Oh, that's cool. I love that shit. Oh, yeah. I mean, and we have the same thing.

I got a small dog and we have coyotes that let the dog out at night. You got to go out and clap and applaud to keep the- Really? Yeah, to let the coyotes that you know, yeah let the dog out at night You're gonna go out and clap and applaud to keep it really yeah to let the coyotes know you there and shit Apparently they say there's like certain like things you could set up that make a sound a certain sound that coyotes don't like and you Set them up and they can keep a lot of the coyotes out, but they're smart those little fuckers They figure shit out. They recruited my dog That's how uh really yeah that's how he got away with killing one of my chickens he became my dog's friend like they go around my dog and you know they would like play i guess like outside the fence my dog would bark

at him and wag his tail when he sees him oh my god yeah and when uh he killed a chicken and ran off with my dog killed a chicken too my dog had had broken into the side of my yard where the coyote was. Somebody left one of the gates open. We have two gates. And one of the gates, he could shake it with his paw, and he could open it up, and he figured it out. And so he ran over there to hang out with his pal and go on a fucking orgy of slaughter. Was it you or whoever, Bert or whatever, that said something about the coyote limping that was trying to trick? Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was actually not even us. That was the Sklar brothers. Sklar brothers. Yeah, we were all hanging out in the back of the comedy store, and they were telling us that. Pete, it was PDC. He parked up in the hill behind the comedy store, which a lot of comics do. They park way up in this huge hill because there's like a street that they can park on and then walk down the hill.

And he said he was getting out of his car and there was a coyote limping. He was like, oh my God, why is this coyote limping? And he was just kind of nervous. He's like,

I'm just going to let this coyote walk by me. And then suddenly this pack of coyotes just started walking past him. So they were doing the exact same thing with the limping thing.

Yeah. They set it up where they make it look like they're hurt, and they limp. That's what Ted Bundy used to do. Did he used to do that? To get girls. Yes. He would pretend he was hurt?

Yes. That's what serial killers do. They pretend they have a cast on their arm and they're on crutches. Remember in the Ted Bundy? I didn't know he did that. The girl comes over to help him. He's trying to put a couch in the back of a van. Oh, yeah.

He's pretending he's got a cast on his hand. The girl comes over. Sign him. He's trying to put a couch in the back of a van. Oh, yeah. He's pretending he's got a cast on his hand. The girl comes over. Signs on lambs. Yes. That's creepy. I didn't know. I thought that was a human thing. I didn't know.

They're fucking smart. I didn't know animals were doing. They fake a limp? Yeah, they fake a limp, and they'll also become friends with your dog. And then my neighbor, he has a beagle, a little beagle, and he says every time the coyotes come near his house, the beagle starts wagging its tail. He thinks the coyote's his friend.

And if they can get the dog outside, then they just maul it and kill it. That's creepy. I thought it was just they smelled it and fucking attacked it. No, they're smart, man. They develop tactics. Well, you know, they're similar in a lot of ways to wolves, and wolves have a lot of like crazy tricks that they do to get animals. Wolves set up ambushes. Wolves will funnel elk and deer into a path, and then they'll wait.

They'll have other wolves waiting. I don't know how the fuck they work this out. I don't know how they- Probably the internet. Yeah, right? Give me an email, Hank. What do they do that lets them figure out that this is a good strategy, and how do they know who's going to be the chaser?

Who's going to be the guy that waits? How do they coordinate this? But I guess when you're fucking starving and the only way you get food is to kill it with your face, you work shit out. That's pretty street smart. It is kind of street smart. Think of a coyote fake limping. I'd never heard that. That's unbelievable.

They have a real problem. This one retirement community, there's been some insane amount, like more than 30 over the last year, coyote attacks. Where? Up here? In Arizona. They figured out that old people are fucking old. The coyotes realize, this guy's not going to stop me from eating his dog. And so they just run up and snatch dogs right off the leash.

They literally wait for someone to be walking his dog. And so they just run up and snatch dogs right off the leash. They literally wait for someone to be walking their dog. They'll wait and they'll see the guy with the dog and then just run. Run right at him.

You think after number 10 or 11 you wouldn't walk your dog in that fucking area? Well, especially if you live in fucking Arizona where you can carry a gun for the movies. You can do whatever you want.

Arizona's an open carry state. You don't even have to have a concealed carry permit. You can do whatever the fuck you want. You can keep a gun in your underwear. You can do whatever you want. No helmet and gun on your motorcycle.

No helmet on the motorcycle and gun. Coyotes love the smell of absorbing junior. Just walk your dog by a motorcycle while you're armed. That's it. Just slowly all over the neighborhood. Just idle. Just start unloading shotgun shells on these fucking cunty wild dogs.

I really wish we could get a motorcycle. I wish we didn't live in L.A. because it's so tempting to get one. What do you mean, we? Are we riding together? Are we going tandem? What do you got planned? You going to get a sidecar for Joe?

I get one of those goggles on. Because there's so many people at the comedy store, they're getting new motorcycles lately, and it's just so, like, and it's not that expensive. I thought motorcycles were, like, the price of a car. They're not that bad. No, it's not bad at all. Dean is always riding his.

I don't trust you. Royce Del Rey. Yeah, that's a fucking dope motorcycle he's got, too. That fat Harley Davidson, that thing's amazing. You see his police car one yet? He has a police motorcycle. Does he really? It's like a police motorcycle it's cool oh yeah they'll load it's kind of like sort of police colors yeah with a side car side bags on it that thing's amazing i asked him about it i go dude that thing's amazing i go do you have close calls he goes all the time

yeah i got kids well louis when i was living with louis in new york right after we moved to different places he got a bike. And sure enough, man, after like three weeks, he was doing like 60 down by Columbus. So when I goes, gets hit going through a fucking intersection. Yeah, he got T-boned, right? Yeah, he got T-boned. I mean, he could have been killed. Easily.

He got hit hard. Yeah. Flying, got knocked out. I almost got a bike. I was going through the motorcycle training thing and everything. I was going He got hit hard. Yeah. Went flying, got knocked out. I almost got a bike. I was going through the motorcycle training thing and everything. I was going with a couple friends of mine. Yeah. And they wound up getting bikes.

But two people I know got in some pretty serious accidents. A buddy of mine fell. He was going through the canyons and he fell and fucked his shoulder up. And then another friend, Frank Muir, was one of the UFC champions. He got hit by a fucking car and got launched 60 feet in the air. Some old man just ran a red light, just looking to hit the gas and shattered his femur. That's the thing. It's not you.

He almost lost his leg. It's the people. The other people driving that you don't trust. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, crashing your bike if you're going fast can be fatal for sure, but most accidents occur because you're involved with another vehicle, unless you're going fast can be fatal for sure but most accidents occur because you're involved with another vehicle you know unless you're driving like a psycho yeah i mean but it's

even tempting just to be like you know what i'll just drive around my house my neighborhood you know like i'll just go to the store and step nothing on the freeway and get a holly to go pick up a sandwich real what's so fun they are fun i mean you think about it you go to i think about this when i go uh to like, Disneyland with my kids, and I'll get in these stupid fucking go-karts. I'm like, look, you know, I got a go-kart, you know. I got a sports car. I can drive fast.

Like, this is not that fun for me. This is stupid. But, like, a motorcycle, like, around your neighborhood is just like going on a ride at Disneyland. You know, if it's fun to go on a ride at Disneyland, it's way more fun to be riding around your neighborhood on a motorcycle. It'd be really fun. Just convince yourself.

Don't do it, Joe. But what's worse is those guys that I think feel the same, but they get those, like, four-motorcycle, like, where it's, like, a grown man, like a white guy with one of those four-wheel motorcycles driving down the street. Oh, yeah. Those things look ridiculous.

Yeah, you should be off in the woods with that thing. You should be in the woods in Tennessee with that thing. Fucking checking out your moonshine. See if somebody broke into the hut. Yeah, running your trap line. Yeah. Those things get people fucked up, you know, those four-wheelers.

Oh, yeah, a lot of paralyzed people. Didn't Ozzy Osbourne break his back doing one of those? Probably. They fall over on you. The problem with those is it's different than a motorcycle. Like if you slide on a motorcycle, if you're falling, you let the bike slide, and you get rug rash or road rash, rather. But on those things, a lot of times people wind up getting trapped under them.

They get crushed. They're so goofy looking, too, though, when you see a guy driving down the street in that. They're real dangerous if you hit a bump. If, like, you hit a bump with, like, your left side and, you know, it flips over on top, you might get crushed. You know, you might get your body cavity caved in. Yeah, here's Terrell Owens. Yeah, what is he doing?

He doesn't have a helmet on? Jesus Christ. What is he crazy? That's football injuries. Goddamn head injuries. Exactly. He's got two wheels in the front and one in the back. Those are apparently more stable for some reason.

I don't understand why. What the hell is that? That's like one of those things. They have two wheels in the front and one in the back. I wonder if because it has all those wheels, you don't need a helmet? Is that? I don't know. Or is that like in a place where you don't need a helmet?

I don't know. A lot of fucking states still don't have helmet laws. You know? Yeah, it's sunglasses in a lot of fucking states still don't have helmet laws. You know? Yeah, sunglasses, like you have to have sunglasses on. Which is smart.

That's the law? A bug or a pebble, I mean, you know how a pebble hit your windshield when you're going 50 miles an hour. Dean used to always say

the worst is when you're behind somebody and somebody flicks a cigarette out and it'll go right in your coat and you're driving and just like,

you don't know what to do. He says that happens all the time. It does? Yeah. The cigarettes. What the fuck? Really?

Yeah. I see people. Is he like Marble Country? How many times can that happen? I mean. It happens all the time on the road. I see people throw cigarettes out their car out here all the time.

Wendy Liebman used to have a joke about that, remember? What was it? She goes, I don't throw my cigarettes out the car window because the last time I did the car behind me blew up. Well, I always think that. I didn't was it? She goes, I don't throw my cigarettes out the car window because the last time I did, the car behind me blew up.

Well, I always think that. I didn't say it was the best joke. You know, you always think that though, right? You do. Like you get somewhere inside your engine. It's gonna go in the tank. Get in there and fucking lights it's all gasoline and shit. Well, not only that, in LA you have to be a real asshole to do that because it only rains once a year here.

Everything's dry as fuck. That's true, man. You can easily start fires. They say all those roadside fires, they all get started by people flicking cigarettes out the window. Check this thing out. That's pretty sweet. That is pretty dope.

That looks awesome. It's like a custom three-wheeler. That thing looks amazing. It's got a car tire in the back. It looks like the front could be the back and the back could be the, you could go either way on it. Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? You could lay down this way. It's a bisexual cycle. It goes both ways. Sure it does. It's like corvette sized tires. Look how wide those fucking tires are. That seems like that would be you know, not that stable.

Yeah. I mean, I guess. I mean, isn't the idea that you kind of like lean? Where do you drive that? People drive that shit all through LA. Like, I see it all the time. Yeah, not this exact one. How the fuck is that legal? I don't know.

I mean, how is a motorcycle legal? It's weird. Like, motorcycles are legal, but you get a ticket if you have no seatbelt on. Like, I'm inside a metal box. This guy, he's like sitting on that thing. He's sitting. Sitting and holding on with his hands. You know, you could ride a motorcycle box. This guy, he's like sitting on that thing. He's sitting. Sitting and holding on with his hands. You could ride a motorcycle, by the way, if you have one hand.

How about that? How about you have one hand, and you're just sitting on it, and I have two hands inside a box, and I can get a ticket if I don't have a strap around me. That's a good point. Another big thing in Burbank is this shit. Money making. Street legal golf carts.

What? People just drive this shit around in Burbank. What? I see it all the time. There's like two or three people just driving down the street in golf carts. Boy, they're living a life at a breakneck pace, huh? What the fuck? Really?

Yeah, and there's a lot. That's become popular. I think because just the gas mileage, you know. Well, they're all legal. I mean, electric rather, right? They're all electric? I don't know. Is that the future?

I see a lot of them. Is that the future? Yeah, a lot of those things, electric rather, right? They're all electric? I don't know. Is that the future? I see a lot of them. Is that the future? Yeah, a lot of those things, electric carts, yeah. Fuck the spot at all. Give me my pickup truck. These fucking electric cars they're making now, they're slowly starting to get better gas mileage or distance. Are they under $100,000?

No. Not yet, right? The Teslas, the good ones. I mean, you can get like a Prius, but those are ugly. That's what I want to get behind, two broads and a golf cart. I'm late for an audition. No gears, just a steady buzz and 35 miles an hour when they're pushing it. Yeah, they got a new Tesla that goes 400 miles.

That's like the newest, the latest, greatest one. They have an upgrade to their little roadster. It goes 400 miles, but that's still not that long, man. 400 miles. That's like the newest, the latest, greatest one. They have an upgrade to their little roadster. It goes 400 miles. But that's still not that long, man. 400 miles on a charge? No. Some shit hits the fan. Didn't that Tesla guy just get divorced?

And now he's paying the girl like $20 million or something like that. Elon Musk? Don't prenups work or what? Every time I hear about a prenup, it never works. You could contest them for sure. And a lot of times when people contest prenups or any kind of lawsuit, people settle. Because to cost like... Yeah, because at a...

Like the UFC right now has a... Elon Musk divorce makes him most eligible again. Oh, shit. Yes, got divorced. And she received $16 million. Yeah, she deserved it, though, because she helped with that company. And she was sucking that sweet $16 million dick. Joe, that's misogynist stuff.

I didn't know. You're going to be picketed. I was raised in the 60s. I didn't know any better. I don't know any better. When I grew up, my formative years all occurred before the internet and social justice. I didn't know. Fucking social justice.

Fucking social justice. I was raised know. Fucking social justice. Fucking social justice. I was raised on James Cagney movies. I don't know any better. I wish I could sink you like a sinker. You know, the thing about those fucking electric cars is you got to get those goddamn batteries from somewhere and all that shit from those batteries, a lot of it comes from what they call conflict minerals. It comes from Africa.

It comes from fucking slaves pulling it out of the ground. That's the big dirty secret about cell phones. Yeah. Lithium ion batteries, a lot of that shit comes from either Africa or a big supply they found recently in Afghanistan. They're going to be sending people to mine that shit. I know there are a lot of chemicals over there. Yeah, a lot of shit in the ground.

Minerals. A lot of minerals, a lot of know there are a lot of chemicals over there. Yeah, a lot of shit in the ground. Minerals. A lot of minerals, a lot of natural gas, a lot of resources. Yeah, no roads, no toilets. Yeah, and you know what they say also? In places where electricity is made by coal, it actually is worse for the environment to get your electricity to power a car and then use it with a coal-fired electrical plant than it is to just burn gas.

Because the gas they have now, like if you have certain, what is that, John Jones? What, he has a gas? What? No. What? He tests positive for cocaine. Enters rehab.

No way. Did that just happen? It just happened. No. No! John Jones tests positive for cocaine, enters rehab. Oh my goodness. Dude. John Jones test positive for cocaine enters rehab. Oh, my goodness.

Dude. Now, wait a minute. Hold on. When you do coke. I was just going to ask you that. That was the next question. I don't think that stays in your system very long. 30 days, 20 days.

Really? Something like that. It's very short. Is it that long? I thought it was like 30 hours or something crazy like that. Maybe I'm thinking 30 hours. Whoa. That's fucked. I thought it was like 30 hours or something crazy like that. Maybe I'm thinking 30 hours, but I don't know. Whoa.

That's fucked. Especially after a fight like that. I wonder if he loses his title. Quote from Dana. I am proud of Jon Jones for making the decision to enter a drug retreatment facility. He stated, I'm confident that he'll emerge from this program like the champion he truly is. Okay. That's a good thing to say.

I like to talk to him on the phone. Find out what he really thinks. He had two hookers. We're going to have an interesting conversation that I can't talk to you people about. That's exactly right. I mean, that's crazy. Maybe he celebrated the big victory. No? No.

I'm hoping. No. No way. No? No. No way. Because they test them after the fight. Like right after the fight. They test them before the fight or right after the fight. Oh, right after. No? No, no way. Because they test them after the fight, like right after the fight.

They test them before the fight or right after the fight. Oh, right after? December drug test, it says. Oh, okay. And then he put the rest in my coat. So is that title? Yeah, I wonder what happens if the title is out. That title is going to be, you know what?

Gonzo. I don't know about that because he won. I mean, it's probably a non-decision. Like, it's probably like somehow... I don't know about that. They gotta vacate the belt, man. Yeah, that cocaine, you can't be fighting on cocaine. Here's how you fix this, so you have a rematch in a month where they're both

coked up. Yeah. It's pretty amazing that he was doing blow and he still won. How about that? How about that? He's a badass, huh, John? Oh, he's the most badass ever. Test positive for cocaine metabolites. How about his brother with the Patriots?

Best pass rusher they have. Yeah, it's amazing. They're a couple of tough mothers. His fucking family developed some stud athletes. Did they ever? This is really strange, man. That just happened, huh? Yeah.

This is cool being with Rogan when the news breaks. You're great at that shit. I'm not kissing your ass, B, really. Oh, thanks, man. I was watching like a year ago, and there was some guy getting the shit kicked out of him. And you go, yeah, but the guy's getting a little cocky. I don't know who was winning the fight. He's getting a little too cocky.

And you didn't even, 10 seconds after that, the guy get knocked out. It happens. Yeah. Wow, this is got knocked out. It happens. Yeah. Wow, this is crazy. This is really crazy. Nevada State Commission files the World Anti-Doping Agency Code. And, hmm, he tested positive for benzoyl-xyl-gonine, the main metabolite in cocaine. That's the stuff I use.

So by saying that's a metabolite in cocaine, it means you're talking about like really trace shit. Really trace shit. And he's already gotten busted in a DUI crash. What do you mean really trace, Joe? Small? Very, very minimal amounts. Look at this fucking picture.

Let me tell you something. He licked Tyrell Bingham's with Jon Jones' body. Oh, shit. It's begun. It starts. Wow. Yeah, Trace mounts a cocaine.

I mean, he could have just licked a CD, an old CD or something. Yeah, he could have had some money. Licked an old CD? Licked some money. Yeah, he could have had some money like an old CD yeah you could have had some

they say like an X amount of percentage of like $100 bills have cocaine on them when I worked at a record store we would get

people would come in to sell their CDs and I just remember I would pick out ones and it was just white dust all over and I'd be like alright we'll buy this one

and you would lick them in the back room? That's hilarious. We would scrape them together and we didn't know what we were doing. We were just like, dude,

it has to be cookie. What other white shit would be on a CD? Al Qaeda. Al Qaeda. Wow. Yeah, maybe they would get

people that are like blondie fans. They wanted to die. They would just sell them. She's showing tits in her video. Rapture. Wow, I am proud that Mr. Jones is addressing the issue.

Okay. That's too bad, man. Francisco Aguilar. Yeah. Well, he got tested December 4th. Okay, that's almost a month. Before? Yeah.

With the support of my family, I've entered into a drug treatment facility. I want to apologize to my fiance, my children, as well as my mother, father, and my brothers for making the mistake that I made. I also want to apologize to the UFC, my coaches, my sponsors, Equal Appointment, my fans. I am taking this treatment program very seriously. Therefore, at this time, my family and I would appreciate privacy. I bet you would. Well, you know what, man? The dude is having a good fucking time.

That's what's going on. He's the baddest motherfucker on the planet. He's partying up a storm. Someone said something to me like all this crazy behavior and all this wild shit that he's doing. And I was like, listen, you gotta be a wild motherfucker to be the

baddest dude on the planet. You really do. And Jon Jones, essentially, when it comes to MMA, is the baddest dude on the planet you really do and john jones essentially when it comes to mma is the baddest motherfucker on the planet i mean he just beat daniel cormier who was a strike force grand prix champion who trains on a regular basis holds his own with the the heavyweight champion cain velasquez he said you know in a heartbeat he would fight the heavyweight champion and he might be able to beat him man who. Who the fuck knows? I mean, he might be a better fighter if he wasn't losing weight to get down to 205 and doing coke. Well, two to four days is what's in the system, Joe.

Okay, so that means... That's it? So if we look at John Jones' Twitter on December 1st or November 29th, we'll see exactly where he's hanging out. Where he was? On the boat. Where was he? Look at the cop over there.

This is fucking very clever. Jesus Christ. Take it easy there. Yeah, thank you. I'm going to go Quincy. You and I just outdated each other. Might as well have said Sherlock Holmes. Charlie Chan.

Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew. That's a Hardy Boys. Charlie Chan. Nancy Drew. Nancy Drew. That's a Hardy Boys. Hardy Boys. Oh, my God. All the references. I was trying to think of a goddamn detective. Can you imagine?

It really is fucking sad, Joe. Okay, let's go to Jon Jones' Twitter page. Twitter, December. Okay, let's find Jon Jones. Cut to him with his face and a pair of stripper tits. Yeah. Jones. All right, what do you think a pair of stripper tits. Yeah. Jones. All right.

What do you think? How far back you got to go? So December. Wait. The test was December 4th. Is that what it said? So I would say I would go December 2nd or 1st. I would try that.

Let's go deep. Let's go deep into the honey hole. All right. December 20th. Tweets a lot. Oh, he just got back from Brazil. Game over. Is that seriously? Yeah. He just got back from Brazil. Game over. Seriously?

It says, bye Brazil. This guy just figured the whole thing out. It's creepy, Brian. Yeah. Holy shit. That's how it happened. Yeah. And you know what?

Because it's trace amounts, I will bet you that it was probably something that's common that maybe he went to a restaurant and they had like a coca leaf or there was some kind of weird thing. Well, I'm going to throw another theory into it. How about when a Cormier's people was over there and sprinkled in his shit? Yeah, right. No. Well, November 30th. That's real Italian Guinea thinking.

So he got tested on November 4th. December. December 4th, rather. So he has four days for it to get out of the system. About four days. That's it? I'm going to start doing that shit again. Yeah, I didn't know that either.

It looks like Brazil's the most likely culprit. Absolutely. Boy, you guys put that together really quickly. Having a good time, parting up a storm. Yeah, here's the actual quote. He says, Bye, Brazil. Thank you so much for the great time.

Now back to the boot camp, and that was November 30th. Yep. And there's a trail of blood going up the plane step from his nose. That's 100% what it is. The little sprinkles on his Reeboks. Wow. Why are your laces bloody? What?

Wow. That's crazy. I feel like they get in a fight with him when he's coked up. How about the fact that he was partying and doing blow blow and he still beat the best guy on the planet? Brazil man, you're hanging out that kind of but you're doing cocaine off of it, you know, that's some hot chicks out there Having a good time You gotta be a wild motherfucker man. So that's why I don't frequent those places anymore. Yeah, Brazil or cocaine places You never been in Brazil? No. Beautiful place, man.

But the contrast between poverty and wealth is very shocking. They're like right next to, right? Well, not only that. You know all the Hollywood hills? All the rich people live in the hills? Yep. And the regular folks live down there? It's the opposite. In Brazil, all the poor people

live in the hills with this amazing view of the ocean. And then all the rich people live down on the mountains with this amazing view of the ocean and then all the rich people live down on the bottom yeah so like they would have problems they've cleaned up a lot of it but they'd have problems in the people would leave the favelas and rob people and then go back to the favelas you know the favelas like there's some like extreme poverty and they were really mad well you know they had the most like the worst Homeless population On the planet A few years ago Yeah It can get bad

In some spots But it's also like They're really nice people Like Brazil is fun man I really love Brazil I know Patrice used to go there The food is fantastic They have those

Chujascarias You know where they have The Brazilian barbecue It's like They come out with the meat And they They cut the Oh god

Yeah They have it here You ever go to the photo shop Yeah Me and Patrice Late great Patrice O'Ne there used to go we were doing shorties watching shorties and he brought me to that place they just good i go dude and this is when he knew he had like diet i'm like what are you doing man the guy's coming on the cut and yeah he didn't give a fuck he just ate just ate and fucked up his body but in uh brazil they got real mad because

they spent so much money on the fucking World Cup. Millions and millions and millions of dollars to make these fucking stadiums and bring all these people in. With all the poverty, right? Damn, like, what the fuck were you guys getting this money, you assholes? You could have been, you know, putting these kids through school and giving people food. It's a mess. It's a mess. Cocaine is legal in Brazil also, isn't it? It is. It's not banned in competition. Not banned in Cocaine is legal in Brazil. It is? Isn't it?

Not banned in competition. Not banned in competition. In Brazil? Oh, no. He's saying in UFC it's not banned. Oh, it isn't? Oh, okay. The metabolites are not banned.

That's what it is. The metabolite. It's not illegal. It's like if you have marijuana metabolites in your system, now it's legal. There's a certain amount of metabolites you're allowed to have you they changed it by like a large number it used to be it was like you could have like a trace amount of marijuana in your system and they could take your money away and find you and take your victory away like that's happened before like with Nick Diaz that

happened but now now you you could have quite a bit more as long as you're not high when you're fighting that's what they want now they think think you should be allowed to smoke pot to relax after training and all that shit but marijuana stays in your system because it's fat soluble way longer like seven weeks whereas um with coke it's like a couple fucking days I didn't tell you my marijuana story when uh I came home from a dance club one night. It was right after. It was before I started doing comedy. I was living in Malden, Granada Highlands up on the hill there.

There was a nice apartment. Oh, yeah. I come home from the palace. The palace in Saugus? Yes. We lived like a half a mile from it, okay? I come home. My buddies all went out.

I come home shit-faced. There's a thing of tomato sauce. You know, it's like 1 in the morning and I'm starving. I make spaghetti. I eat enough for like five people, okay? I wake up like an hour later and my ears are ringing and the room's going like this. I start fucking puking violently. I hear my buddies come in.

I'm in the bathroom. I hear them go into the kitchen. They go, he ate all the fuck. They made Rasta Pasta. It was loaded with weed. Oh, no. And they ate this much of it. They said they ate a tiny amount.

They were fucked up all night. And this is a guy who I only get high at that point a couple times in my life. Now, my roommate's talking to me, right? He's right where you are. He's like five feet away. But it sounds like he's yelling from a mile away. I was tripping on the fucking. They didn't know if they should take me to the hospital. I'm from a mile away. I was tripping on the fucking, they were going to take me,

they didn't know if they should take me to the hospital. I'm fucking puking. I'm swearing at them. And honest to God, it was a week later, I remember watching the Super Bowl and still being fucked up. Because it's so, like you just said, when you ingest it orally, it's way stronger. And it literally was in my system for I don't know how long.

I mean, you know, you can look it up. And this is from somebody who didn't, I didn't smoke a lot of weed. That's way stronger. And it literally was in my system for I don't know how long. I mean, you know, you can look it up. And this is from somebody who didn't, I didn't smoke a lot of weed. That's crazy. A week later? Oh, at least a week later. No, at least. I'm probably being conservative with that.

Because it stays in, if you saw how much I ate, you know, if you saw how much tomato sauce. That's so crazy. Such a grease ball. And they were like, they were fucked up all night with like this much. And they were like, oh no. You're making the fingers like a hockey puck. Yeah. Forget I'm not on TV here.

Yeah. About half the size of a hockey puck. And I was sitting there like, you know. And my ears were ringing. And they would, like I said, my roommate's like that close to me. And it sounded like he was yelling down a hallway. I was tripping on the fucking THC or whatever it is. Yeah, it's 11-hydroxymetabolite is what happens when the THC passes through the liver, in which they think was most of the way people used to take hash and eat it back in the day.

And that's responsible for a lot of the psychedelic writing and the Rig Veda and all the Hindu scriptures. A lot of that was written while they were on eating marijuana or eating cannabis. Yeah. It's very psychedelic. When you eat a lot of it, you trip your fucking balls off. It's not like smoking pot. You can smoke a lot of pot.

You just get really high. But when you eat it, oh, it does crazy things. Yeah. I was a fucking mess. I didn't feel right forever. When you close your your eyes you see nutty shit like hallucinate i don't remember that i do remember the voices though that well no somebody talking to me being that close and and it sounded like they were yelling down a hallway it was freaking me out i'm not a drunk guy a little blow like anybody else your whole system must have been so fucked up.

That's so much. I get scared hearing people talk about stuff like that. I start getting nervous. My hands are sweaty right now. Well, yeah. That's what I'm saying. What's the stuff you do? I want to hear more about this.

Oh, dimethyltryptamine. The thing about DMT is it leaves your body really quick. Like 15 minutes later, it's gone. But how long are you on that high? You're sober in 15 minutes. Really? I might try that shit tonight. It breaks your brain forever, though.

No, it doesn't. It does what? He's never done it, and his brain's broken. So don't listen to him. Joe seems pretty... He's expanded his horizons. Trust me, you'll be fine. I heard you talking about it. Like, one of your specials, you were taking questions and answers after. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you would just explain the shit. I was in my car listening on the radio. I was coming home from a gig. And I go, holy shit, I almost want to try this stuff. Well, it's a good thing to try in that it's over quick. Fuck that, I'm not doing it. I took Tony Hinchcliffe. We did it, allegedly, in Austin, Texas. The guy that died? No, no, he's alive. He's over quick. Fuck that. I'm not doing it. I took Tony Hinchcliffe. We did it, allegedly, in Austin, Texas.

It's the guy that died to a child. No, no. He's alive. He's doing well. But it's like I can't explain it. You can't explain it. You just have to do it. You explained it great that night when I was listening, how it changes your perception

of everything. It definitely does that. It definitely changes your perception of everything. How about your marriage? Did it? I don't think it had any effect does that. It definitely changes your perception of everything. How about your marriage? Did it? I don't think it had any effect on that. I think what it does, honestly, is it shows you that there's more that, like, supposedly there's like multiple dimensions that exist simultaneously all around us.

We only exist in this dimension. This is like what physicists believe, you know, that there's like 11 different dimensions. And it's probably that we just don't have the sensory depth we don't have the sensory uh perception abilities to perceive these things like if you took a an ant and you know you fucking held a book over the ant's head do you think they know there's letters over there they don't understand what the fuck you're doing right like they don't need to be able to perceive that we have developed and evolved with uh our abilities are perceiving what's in front of us all the time, whether it's hunting and gathering or recognizing enemies.

That's where all of our senses come from, our hearing, our feeling, our touch, to have sex, make more people, to know when you're hungry, all those different things. But it's very likely that there's a lot of shit around us all the time that we just can't take in. And this neurochemical that your brain produces when you take it in large doses, it allows you a very brief but incredibly potent window into what's likely there all the time. But what are you seeing visually?

Does it change that too? Can I try to describe it to you? Oh, yeah. The world dissolves you know you you live in a world give me some of that a fucking of jesters and like lights that are indescribable geometric patterns that are just infinite fractal they go on forever and it's the most potent thing you could ever explain i would never i, ever. I could show it to you in an Alex Gray painting. This is like- A little clarity.

Yeah, well, this guy does all of his shit while he's- While he's painting? Tripped and meaned out. John Jones, prom pitcher, snowball king is what it says on his- Oh, no, it doesn't. And that's supposedly real. Well, he lived in New York, man. Yeah, Syracuse.

He had a snowball battle. That's true. Don't be rude. Syracuse. Don't be rude, Brian. Seriously. This is the kind of shit that you see. Literally's true. Don't be rude. Syracuse. Don't be rude, Brian. Seriously. This is the kind of shit that you see. Literally, you should see shit like that.

I'll go to a rug store. That's Alex Gray. Oh, my. He paints that when he's tripping on this shit? Well, I mean, he's what you would call a visionary artist, and he is very well-versed in tryptamine experiences, but he's the best at capturing those images. And you saw stuff sort of like that. Exactly like that.

Like almost exactly. I would never. Like you see shit like that, but it's like moving and turning into itself and unbelievable. Like I mean, but humbling. Like you get out of it and you just have a different view of the world. Like your view of the world just completely alters forever. You've done mushrooms before, right?

I haven't. I don't, I would recommend that little mushrooms. I don't like throwing up, either. No, you don't throw up on mushrooms. Oh, my friends all throw up on mushrooms. Some people do. They did it wrong. No, no, some people. Well, they were mixing it with garlic and...

Tomato sauce. And sauce. A little fucking chicken pan. Yeah, it's like a cremini, ain't it? No, it's not, shithead. It's like a portobello, right? No, you dope. It came out of a cow's ass.

You've only done... You've done the accidental eating of the pot, a little bit of smoking. Andobello, right? No, you dope. It came out of a cow's ass. You've only done the accidental eating of the pot, a little bit of smoking. A little coke. Everybody in the 80s. I never did it, man. You didn't do coke? No, I avoided it. Really? You don't know what you're missing, Joe. I had a buddy. You feel good and you get really angry

for the next three days. It's horrible. Not interested. I had a buddy whose cousin was a dealer and I watched his life erode. And this is when I was like, I guess I was like 15, 16. I watched this guy. He was a few years older than us. Yeah.

He had graduated from high school and just fell apart and just got real skinny. He was hiding his fucking, they had an attic apartment. They lived in his parents' attic or something like that. Yeah. And they would just do coke and watch TV. It was a mess. He wasn't doing it right. Well. You have to be at a dance club with a bunch of whores i think he was doing it because he had a lot of it because he was selling it you know so he had it all the time and so i got to see this guy just fucking erode you know yeah you didn't miss nothing there you

feel good for like 15 minutes you fork and. And then, especially with my type of personality. The crash, right? Oh, just depressed. Not interested. I never got the crash. I never got the bad part of it. Well, that's because you're a cheery guy. No, he's there all the time.

He lives in the crash. That's his world. Exactly. But the chicks love it so much. That's the best part. I used to just carry it around And pull it out If I saw a hot girl And immediately you're in her house

You know like Let's go back to my place Yeah they really did That's so crazy They did Because they didn't get all sloppy Like when they get drunken Oh

Remember our friends Back in the day They would just like Put it on the counter Oh yeah I have a friend who used to get it Just because he knew girls wanted it It was the best way to get laid And put it out like a trap Like he would only do it If friend who used to get it just because he knew girls wanted it.

It was the best way to get laid. And put it out like a trap. He would only do it if they wanted to do it. He went, all right, I'll do it with you. Shit. Fucking hated it. But he would do it because it was the best way to get laid. He's like, if you don't have coke, you're not getting laid. I was like, really?

That's so crazy. But when you got it, god damn, I would watch girls run after him. Just run because they knew he had coke. It was like that term, coke whore. There's no coke studs. Yeah. Just run because they knew he had coke. It's like that term, coke whore. There's no coke studs. Right. There's no guys- That's a good point.

Banging fat chicks because they got a barrel of coke at their house. It's so true. I bet you feminists would say that too. That's not fair. We're whores when we do it. You guys are dealers. But it is true, right? Coke whore is a very legitimate expression.

Or whatever. Coke promiscuous gal. Call it, let's not call him coke whore. Coke slut. Let's try to be kind here. Coke promiscuous female. You know, but it's not like a coke man, you know? Weird, right?

That's true. That's true. Well, it kills dudes' dicks, right? Doesn't it kill your dick? No, but I mean. Too much kills your dick? Joey always says it kills his dick. I've never had a problem with that ever. You get dead dick.

Yeah, I got trussel dick. Trussel dick. What the hell's that? Duncan with the photo. The guy on stage? Yeah, you want to show that photo on the show? Yeah. Let's pull that photo up.

Jamie, we were at the Mirage this weekend doing stand-up, and Duncan was on stage. And Killen, I guess he was loving it so much, his dick got hard. So he's got these pants on, tight jeans, and he's got a little woody there. It's so crazy because it's so big. Did you notice it that night when he was on stage? Well, I was on the side, and I didn't see it, but look at that. That's cock, ladies and gentlemen.

Is that a stain? Maybe it's a lighter. I don't know. It's coming. It's in the middle of the pit. Is that a stain? It's a perfect photo. I know.

He got it perfect. He's almost pointing it out. He's amazed that someone's sucking his dick. I know. He looked like a magician making it rise right there. What's he wearing, Levi's? Corduroy's. Corduroy's.

Corduroy's don't exist anymore. Does anybody buy Corduroy's anymore? Apparently. Can you even buy Corduroy's? Those are like tan jeans. There was a lot of fun times man they were doing Ari and Duncan kissed which was one of the best things

I've ever seen in my life they pulled it off from my Instagram they kissed yeah they kissed when they knew that the camera was going to be on them

they Ari and Duncan kissed like when they knew the camera was going to be there while the fights were going on because they were sitting in the front row right behind me

I didn't know Ari had it in him I didn't even know they had done it while the fights were going on because they were sitting in the front row right behind me. I didn't know Harry had it in him. I didn't even know they had done it until Brian sends me a text message with a photo of the two of them kissing while I'm doing commentary. My phone buzzes, I check it, and I see the fucking picture, and I turn to look at them,

and I held up the picture, and thank God it was in between fights because it was like a know a big promo thing You know fuck Conor McGregor the doing all shit, and I'm fucking crying laughing I mean tears are rolling down my eyes watch this watch this watch Look to the left. There's Ari. What is Duncan? That is classic Oh it's so funny

Instagram Look at the guy next to him Dot com Forward slash The Joe Rogan experience Yeah that's The guy next to you Is Dust

Not Dust He's laughing his ass off Oh Frosty Frosty The guy on the left He's our his ass off Oh Frosty Frosty The guy Who's the guy on the left He's our sound guy One of them looked disgusted

And one of them was laughing And they also did Some So funny Some Illuminati Oh yeah It's not

The Joe Rogan Experience It's Instagram.com Forward slash Joe Rogan Experience Just that Yeah but It's up there Fucking hilarious man

Those guys are so funny. They're so silly. They have such a... They were on mushrooms, too, by the way. Oh. Yeah. They were on mushrooms all weekend. They brought...

Ari brought, allegedly... Not true. I'm making this up. If anybody's listening. You're talking Portobello. Yes. For the sauce. He brought some shiitakes, about nine grams.

Shiitake. And they were splitting them. And we were up until like five o'clock in the morning. I couldn't do it. I can't do mushrooms and then watch people fight. Right. I might pack up my shit and go home. I might be like, I can't do this anymore.

I'll call up the UFC. Listen, call Kenny Florian. It's over. I'm going to Brazil. Yeah, I'm going to go to the jungle. I'm going to go one with my inner soul. I was in Montreal with Ari this summer at the festival, and him and Metzger. I never saw so much.

They weren't straight for fucking one minute. No. The whole week. He enjoys that weed. Oh, my God. It makes him happy, especially now that he's doing really well. Ari's a happy motherfucker right now. He's having so much fun.

His life is fantastic right now. He's doing so well. Because Ari, I mean, that fucking guy, he worked hard. He worked hard for a long time. But his comedy is so goddamn good right now. And it's good because of hard work. It's beautiful to see, man. I love watching a guy just really pull it all together.

And fucking, I mean, just through sheer. I've known Ari since he was an open miker. I became friends with him when he was working at the door at the comedy store. So, through sheer will and hard work, he's a great comic now.

I fucking love that. I love shit like that. absolutely. I love seeing that happen. Yeah, he's a fun dude. I was watching him at the, at the festival.

Him and, yeah, him and Metzger. Holy. They were tweeting before the festival about joking about working out with me and they were making jokes. We'll probably smoke enough Depal.

I'm like, I didn't even really know anything about these two guys. I know they're funny cats, but I don't know how much. I'm like, what are all these weed jokes? They're tweeting about weed and me being like a straight guy. Who the fuck do they think they are? And then I get up to the festival, man. And they were just the whole time. Well, you got to be careful, too, in Montreal because it's not legal.

Is that right? No. And you get busted with weed, and then they deport you. You're a fucksville. That's right. No more festival. Well, you can't come back either. I mean, if you get caught with drugs, like in some parts of Canada, it's pretty much

legal in Toronto. And it's pretty close to legal in Vancouver. I was going to say Vancouver. Yeah, BC. I mean, I was in a documentary called The Union that was based on the economy of, the documentary is based on how much marijuana is involved in the economy of British Columbia. And it's fucking everything. If they pulled weed out, if weed didn't exist, British Columbia would be fucked.

Like so much of the money that flows for British Columbia is involved with marijuana. A huge part of it. And this documentary by my friend Adam Scorgi, who just did a recent one called The Culture High that Brian was in too. And he's just got these great documentaries that show, first of all, the hypocrisy involved in making weed illegal while alcohol is legal. Whether you smoke weed or not, it's fucking stupid. And they just highlight how stupid it is. But it just shows you. So British Columbia, it's pretty close to legal.

But Montreal, not so much. Montreal's a little more tricky. And it's scary, too. What a lot of people do is keep old joints in their ashtrays in their cars and things like that. You could get pulled over and get a DUI and then not be allowed to go back into Canada because they want to let you have DUIs. I saw my car the other day, and I had, like, a joint sitting in my back seat. I'm like, dude, I need to not be this sloppy because I always forget about the DUi aspect that they can get you a dui for just being stoned and driving well not only that they're trying to crack down on that more because

look the whole deal with duis there's two things going on one they're trying to keep people from driving and smashing into people and people dying but two they got to make collars they're trying to make arrests they get they have fucking like they have a schedule that they have to adhere to. Quotas? Yeah, quotas, which should be illegal. Because what the fuck would they do if everybody decided we won't break any laws for a year? No one breaks a law for a year. What would they do? Would they just lay off all the cops?

Or would they treat them like firemen? Would they just sit back and wait for something to happen? Nobody says, hey, it hasn't been a fire in six months. How about we cut back on the firemen? Fuck you. You know, we know what it's like when there's a fire. Keep the fucking firemen, asshole. But if there was no laws being broken

and the money wasn't coming in from the cops to justify spending the money, you know, on salaries and all that jazz, I wonder what they would do. If we reach a point in our culture where everyone's doing mushrooms all the time and no one commits any crimes, no cops.

We hear what they're doing now in New York City. Cops are saying that they're not going to arrest anybody unless it's absolutely necessary. Which is like, what the fuck does that mean? You were arresting people when it wasn't necessary? Isn't that a part of the goddamn problem? I mean, they're sort of admitting that everybody was right when they arrested that Eric Gardner guy. Like, they fucking arrested some guy for selling loose cigarettes. Like, isn't there someone selling crack somewhere?

Isn't there someone beating babies? Yeah, but the city argument there is that's how tax-hungry fucking de Blasio and the leftists are. They suggest that the cops enforce those laws. So crazy. Because of taxes. They were losing so much money with illegal cigarettes. Really? Yeah, because they're tax-crazy in New York City. How of taxes. They were losing so much money with illegal cigarettes. Really? Yeah, because they're tax crazy in New York City.

How much money could they be losing for illegal cigarettes? A lot. Really? Yes. Yes. So stupid. But that's how obsessed they are with fucking tax revenue. It is funny that it's a left-wing thing, that the left-wing police or the left-wing mayor

is responsible for what we would think of as a right-wing act of arresting someone. It's kind of funny, right? Yeah. Because left-wing, leftist ideology would be that these are racist cops that are doing it. But maybe it's the fucking, it really is a tax issue, right? Yeah. It's forcing these guys to do that. A lot of people say that.

And now the cops hate him. They're all turning their back on him on the funerals. Well, he's a fucking dick. I just, ugh. I know nothing about him. Well, he's just a fucking, he went to fucking Cuba on his honeymoon.

That's all you need to know. He did? Is that legal? Yeah, and he helped the Sandinistas. He's a fucking Marxist cocksucker. When did he help the Sandinistas?

Back in the day, in the 80s. In the 80s? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, he's as far fucking left

as they come, which is whatever. But hey, New York voted for him. Whatever. You get what you, you know. You get what you. New York is very left, though. Oh, Jesus. It's always been really left.

Yeah. Well, it's the two coasts. It's here and, you know. And I mean, Chicago's liberal, but not like that. Not like. But New York is also aggressive. It's a very strange place. It's like there's progressive and aggressive.

There's like, you got your extreme left, like Williamsburg and, you know, these Brooklyn people that are like, you know, everything is like super left. But then you also have like some, I saw more racism when I lived in New York than any other place that I lived, ever. The word nigger just came flying out of people's mouths like they had racial Tourette's. Really? When I lived in Boston, I didn't hear nearly as much racism as when I moved to New York. Where were you hearing that in New York?

Pool halls, boxing gyms, martial arts places, all those stupid places I was hanging out at. Maybe I was hanging out with the wrong people, but I just heard a lot of racism. I had a lot of road gigs. I would hear racism in a lot of road gigs. It just seemed more accepted in New York than it was in Boston. You think Boston's more racist? No, I don't know. I don't hear the word anywhere. Come out of white people. Ever.

They're scared to say it around you. That's what it is. Except the bedroom. The bedroom in the car. Shit like that. When someone cuts you off. It comes out of your own mouth. But it seems like there's a weird thing going on right now in New York where they're trying to like fucking find a comfortable, happy place.

You know? Yeah. Well, yeah, the mayor, whatever. Well, the stop and search, all that stop and frisk shit. Well, he made all that an issue. Well, he was campaigning to become mayor, he painted the cops as bad guys. And then coming out and saying, well, I have a son who's black and I had to sit him down, so you have to be careful around cops.

That's a fucking slap in the face to cops. You're going to tell me a cop, especially a white guy that goes into the projects every night and risks his fucking life to protect black people from other black people, he's racist? Come on. Obviously, there's bad cops. every group has shitty people in it and this guy painted them uh you know as the bad guys and then you get sharpton involved who's a fucking scumbag i don't care what anybody says yeah i mean you sit him next to the police commissioner on you know the first meeting you have he's a sharp then he's race pimp. That's how he makes his living.

And he's also a charlatan. I mean, the idea that that guy is respected at all. You see him on CNBC. He's in the White House 80 times in the last fucking year. It's ridiculous. I mean, the black community had Martin Luther King, who's like universally praised. That's right. He's been a great leader.

And now they have Al Sharpton. You think Martin Luther King would respect him? Well, you can't have Jesse Jackson anymore. You notice that? Right. Jesse Jackson's a fucking pariah. You know why? Because he got busted for scamming all these fucking companies out of untold sums of money.

And that's what Sharpton does. Exactly. That's what he does. He shakes down Pepsi. He goes to Pepsi and says, you don't have enough black people working here. We're going to pick it. Yeah. And then they send money to his action committees.

The Rainbow Coalition. Yeah. National Action Network. But you don't hear about Jesse Jackson anymore. And then his son got busted. Remember Jesse Jackson's son in jail, right? Yeah, he had mental problems, his son. Like mentally ill.

Oh, really? Yeah, he was on medication and stuff. Oh. Yeah. It's just sad that the black community doesn't have a real powerful, respected civil rights leader today. Al Sharpton will always be defined by that Tawana Brawley incident and then I mean you can just fucking quote pick you could quote mine a million fucking things that he said that are ridiculous you know about how black people can't be racist it's only white

people that can be racist like yeah stupid shit like that like come on man everybody could be racist exactly Chinese people could be racist you know fucking Peruvians could be. What are you talking about? Like, racism is not specific to, like, one different nationality. It's, the whole thing about being a cop, in my opinion, is that being a cop is almost a job that no one can do. It's to have that kind of power and a gun, and then to see violence and crime and people lying to you every day.

At their worst. You see people at to you every day. At their worst. You see people at their worst every day. Yeah. You know? And when you do all the statistics and how many times cops interact, literally they do their job right 99.9% of the time. I mean, of course there's bad ones here and there. Yeah, but if you have 99.9% and they're interacting with 1,000 people a day.

That's right, 12 million a year. You're getting a lot of fucking bad interactions. Those are the ones that make the paper. Absolutely. It's just a job that's almost impossible for a person to do. Well, it's thankless. That's why they should be treated with respect, in my opinion. Yeah, and it's not only just thankless.

It's also like the fucking stress, the PTSD those guys must be under. They commit suicide at an unbelievable rate. Yeah, unbelievable rate. I got buddies who are cops. Cops and soldiers, very similar in that way. They both have very high rates of suicide. Yeah. And they both see ridiculous amounts of shit.

It just almost seems like there should be a better way, but I don't see a better way. I mean, I don't see how you could i mean i mean i don't see how you could live in a world that doesn't have cops i mean these people that think that we could oh we should live it i'm an anarchist that's hilarious to me yeah someone who's never point out where that's worked even they must have never met an asshole you know you know they have well they're in denial then yeah that's what i Well, it's also like a cute thing to say. It puts you in like a very progressive camp of very high-level thinkers, elite leftist thinkers. I'm an anarchist, and I believe that we should all be free.

There should be no laws, and let the market decide. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, that all sounds good in theory, but then when the rubber hits the road, it all falls apart. That's how the Mongols came about. If you can point to another system of government that works better than this, I'll be glad to fucking open my ears. How about a system of government that works at all? It seems like when people get together, there's a large amount of people. You're just always going to have a certain amount of chaos, a certain amount of crime,

a certain amount of people doing shit they shouldn't be doing, a certain amount of fucking victimization. And even look at the fucking shit that's going on right now. a certain amount of people doing shit they shouldn't be doing, a certain amount of fucking victimization. And even look at the fucking shit that's going on right now we're finding out about Bill Cosby. A guy with money, a guy with fame, a guy with everyone loves him. He's still doing creepy, shitty things. You have to have a certain amount of law. You have to. Because even a guy like that is doing fucked up shit.

That's right. Well, it's about humanity. We're flawed. Yeah. And, you know. That's why we all have to do mushrooms in DMT, Nick. Well, dude,

listening to you that night, I was ready to go find some. But all the stores are closed. It's very difficult to find in a store. You got to go to the back. It's like buying Cuban cigars. You got to know a guy. Are we going to be able to get Cuban like buying Cuban cigars. You gotta know a guy.

Are we gonna be able to get Cuban cigars now? How's that work? Yeah, supposedly. When is that gonna happen? The only plus to this thing. I almost got in trouble taking some back. At the last minute, I didn't take some back from Montreal, and then the fucking guy

at the airport literally asked me, you got any cigars in there? I go, what? Like, I must have smelled like a fucking cigar or something. I don't know what happened. I go, what? And he goes, did you bring back any? I'm just asking you because they are illegal. I go, no, I definitely did not bring back anything.

And they opened up my bag and there was nothing in there. But I was like, oh, shit. Like, this is real. Like, they actually bust people. You go to jail for having a fucking cigar. Does it taste any different for real? I cigar. It's a taste any different for real I know one of those things one of those fucking things like having an alligator on your shirt, you know, like these are Cubans Oh, yeah

I don't know man. Kevin James and I used to smoke a lot of cigars together and he didn't like Cubans He's like they're too fucking strong They'll knock you on your ass like there's certain Cuban punch, that's one of them. And there's a few Hoyo de Monterrey, double Coronas, these big fucking fat stogies. They'll knock your dick right into the dirt. They make you high. I used to chew tobacco in college. Did you have the dip?

Everything. We had the Levi Garrick leaves. Oh, that's the real shit. There was girls up there chewing. I'm at the dip? Everything. We had the Levi Garrett leaves. Oh, that's the real shit. There was girls up there chewing. I'm at the library one night. I look behind me. There's a cute girl spitting into a cup. But yeah, Levi Garrett, the leaves.

That's the real shit. Oh my God. His bags. Yes. I had never done that until I got up there. But then I stopped doing that. When I got out of college, at my buddy's house, he had some skull. So I put a pinch in, and I turned white.

It felt like I was seasick. I got all sweaty and shit. It's like when you're young, you can handle all this stuff. I just was like, what the fuck? I'm going to puke. When I was a kid, I was probably like 12 or 13. I was really into Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn and I wanted to try chewing tobacco because Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn those months so I got it like a it was like a square like a little brownie of chewing tobacco

and you break a piece off and put in your mouth yeah fucking 12 oh I don't know how I got it first of all why is someone selling me chewing tobacco because I was I guess it was legal to get probably I don't know how the fuck I got I don't know how I got it. First of all, why is someone selling me chewing tobacco? Because I guess it was legal to get. I don't know how the fuck I got it. I don't know how I got it. Like, now that I'm thinking about it. But I remember chewing it and fucking puking my brains out. The saliva build up in my mouth. I was like.

You accidentally swallowed it. Oh, yeah. I did that, too. I can taste it. You know how, like, for a long time, I couldn't drink Jack Daniels? You got sick on it as a kid? I did, too. Yeah. You got sick on it as a kid? I did too. Yeah, we got sick on it.

Now I would smell it and I would get sick just smelling it. But I could taste that chewing tobacco right now if I think about it and almost throw up. Oh, yeah. Cherry Skull. That's so nasty. How about those little packets, like a teabag? You're right. You put them in.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. But don't those give you massive mouth cancer, though? Yeah that's the thing yeah they all do a video that guy you see that guy who got his jaw removed like you would go uh to like do these public service announcements at uh schools where kids would be yeah yeah yeah snuff yeah like he was like a fucking handsome square jawed captain america looking motherfucker and then all of a sudden, he's got no chin. He's like, oh. Half his tongue was removed. I lost half my tongue when I was doing tobacco.

I know you want to look like a baseball player, but it's not cool. Everything's numb to him. Food tastes like shit. Can't whistle. Tastes like shit. It falls out of his hole in his chin. Side, sloppy side of his hole in his chin. Sloppy side of his face.

What's crazy is that they would advertise not only candy cigarettes to kids, but also Big League Chew, which is like the chewing gum. Yes. That kind of is the reason

why I started dipping. Yeah. It's like, oh yeah, like the baseball players. Remember Big League Chew? This is the real stuff. It's gum, right?

Like shavings. Yes. Like gum shavings. Yeah. That's pretty evil. A lot of places they made those little candy cigarettes illegal, though, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you can buy them anywhere, can you?

Where they're like... It's weird. It's weird that... Candy cigarette and a fake gun? If the fucking candy people were involved in the tobacco industry, then it would make sense. Right. Then you would go, hey. Probably were.

There's a direct correlation. That was the most fucked up police brutality thing, was that 12-year-old kid that got shot having a fake gun in Cleveland. You know that one? Yeah. They shot him within two seconds of seeing him. They got out of the car and just started unloading. Don't drop the gun.

Didn't say anything. Just started fucking, kink, kink, kink, kink. He didn't point it at him? I don't know what the fuck happened. I don't know. I wasn't there. Because you have a split second. We did a thing on the Chris Rock show.

We did a sketch about that. I always played a cop. How weird. Every sketch. But that was one of the things. Because it was a shooting back then. And that was the sketch. Because somebody recently got shot.

The guy had a banana. Literally had a banana. I was reading this in the paper and I freaked out because we did a sketch on Chris Rock where we were cops and they were holding up pictures.

What's this? And it was a banana. That was the whole, you know, and we'd go, it's a gun. Picture of a bike, it's a gun.

It was really funny. But then I read some guy literally had like a banana wrapped in tinfoil or something and got shot. But you're a cop, you have two seconds to make up your mind. I mean, what are you going to had like a banana wrapped in tinfoil or something. Oh, God. But you're a cop.

You have two seconds to make up your mind. I mean, what are you going to do? Or you get shot. Or you get shot. That's true. That is true. And they're not driving by spraying a 12-year-old. But the cop that did it was, he got released from another police force for being like mentally

unstable. But he was already trained and they hired him in this other police force. There's a bunch of issues. My friend Justin, who's a real gun nut, told me the whole story behind it. He's as right wing as you get. And he told me the whole story behind it. He's like, that guy was fucked up. That guy should not have been a cop. Maybe so. But they make, you know,

there's a certain amount of money involved in training one of those guys. And once that money's invested, they'll hire someone in another district because of the fact they've already been trained and they don't have to retrain anybody and spend those resources. Yeah, too many second you were working for uh for chris rock and like did you work when you were developed was he developing his uh specials we weren't we would we weren't involved in that we were doing the show in the show yeah he had his hbo show right we're

coming up with so he hired certain guys though to work with his specials right like i know he um well like jenny helped him and well well with like the oscars he hired us richard jenny me and and punching up a couple of movies this is where this watch came from he sent us off yeah tina actually tina fey was there louis we we met at a hotel for a day and just like punched up a script t Tina Fey writes a lot? This is before she was famous. Right before she'd get real famous. Did she do stand-up? That's a good question.

I don't know. I don't think so. I never heard her do a stand-up. I don't think so. Probably Second City and all that. But she was funny and was writing at SNL at the time. So, but yeah, we went to some hotel for the day to punch up a script. And I remember Tina, Louie, and whatever.

But about a month later, we all get these- Rolexes. Yeah. And it's inscribed in the back. It says, thanks for your help, motherfucker. That's what it says on the back of the wall. That's cool. That was the most fun I ever had in my life.

Really? Working at that show. Oh, my God. He was so laid back. He'd come in. It would be an 80-degree day. He'd go, fuck it. Let's go to the Yankees game.

Oh, that's cool and then Big Mama's house came out or whatever one of those remember Big Mama Martin Lawrence Martin Lawrence yeah

and the second one came out and he I think Chris went and saw it himself and then he made us all go see it because it was so bad he made us all

go to the movie we all sat down we all had tickets and then about 20 minutes in the scene some, him sitting on the toilet making shit jokes. And then Chris goes, okay, let's go. That's all I wanted you to see. And we all left. We watched like a half hour.

And he goes, that's all I wanted you to see. And we all walked out. He wanted you to see it. That's all he wanted to see. Because it was that bad? Yeah. We were all laughing our ass off. At how bad it was. Yeah. I mean, it was that bad? Yeah I was We were all laughing our ass off At how bad it was

Yeah I mean it was shit But it was what It was what I expected From a Big mama's house too Or whatever the fuck You know what I mean?

I love Martin Lawrence The comedy story I met him out here Dave Chappelle had a really Fucking good point About What is it about Black men in Hollywood

They reach a certain amount of fame And they make you dress up Like a woman Like that is true It's fucking Eddie Murphy did it black men in Hollywood, they reach a certain amount of fame, and they make you dress up like a woman. Like, that is true. It's fucking Eddie Murphy did it. Jamie Foxx did it. Martin Lawrence did it. Is he saying it's conspiracy?

I'm sure he was. But, I mean, it is kind of funny. I mean, how many white guys dress up like a woman? You got Robin Williams, who did the fucking Mrs. Doubtfire. Dustin Hoffman. Tootsie. What is it? Dustin Hoffman Mrs. Doubtfire Tootsie Dustin Hoffman Tootsie um is it

Bosom Buddies Bosom Buddies that's Tom Hanks but they weren't famous then they became famous from doing that and that was sort of a premise of the show

they had a rent control place that would only allow chicks or something like that um what was the one that you know who Patrick Swayze

Patrick Swayze that's right Patrick Swayze and again that was uh fucking Homeboy was in that too. Wesley Snipes. How about this? He was in that too.

Too Wong Fu, Decu, Julie Newmar. What was the Dallas Players Club? Jared Leto. Jared Leto. Jared Leto, yeah, but he was playing a transgender. He was playing like a gay person. I know, I'm just... It was a little different.

He's not playing a woman, an actual woman. Like Mama's House, he was playing a woman. It wasn't like. It was a little different. He's not playing a woman, an actual woman. Like Mama's House, he was playing a woman. It wasn't like he was wearing a woman's... He probably wrote it. Another fucking conspiracy theory. The white Hollywood guys

making black guys dress up like... Ralph Harris. Remember Ralph Harris? He had a TV show where he dressed up like a woman. He's down fire, yeah. No, Ralph Harris had a TV show. Remember Ralph Harris?

Yeah. Funny, funny dude. Funny guy. He had a TV show where he dressed up like a woman on the show. Wait, Robin Harris? No, Ralph Harris. Robin Harris was the funny guy. I'm thinking of Robin.

Robin Harris was very funny. Oh, my God. The late, great Robin. Oh, he was fucking funny. He was like the king of black L.A. comedy for a long time. First time I saw him, he comes out. I think it was like a deaf comedy jam thing, but he had just a wife beater on with a big gut hanging out,

and I was crying at how funny the material was. But just working class, I mean, oh, my God. He didn't give a fuck. I don't think he ever really got really famous. He was about to. Yeah. I think he was right on the verge. He had this one joke that fucking killed me he goes i

don't ever mess with no pretty woman pretty woman's too much work i like me an ugly girl i tell ugly girl bitch i'm going to the moon oh you be careful up there i don't want nothing bad to happen to you he would make his eyes big when you would say it oh you be careful up there you have to see it man he was fucking funny he was a funny dude man he was a funny dude this is a three hour show

yeah it's over it's over we did three hours do you do three hours do you always do that all the time yeah oh bless you once you start talking look how easy it was

you just did it too no I know it's not hard to do no I know I mean but it's nice when you have a studio and cameras I'm hunched over a when you have a studio and cameras. I'm hunched over a card table with a fucking Red Sox hat on my basement.

Will you do your podcast? Why am I stuttering all of a sudden? Holy shit, did you see that? You ran out of gas. Three hours in. The coffee. No, I'm telling you. It's like the fucking base pouring some more.

I'll be up for three days now. When you do your podcast, is it audio only or do you have a camera on you? Yeah, yeah. I've only been doing it it a little over a year. How many episodes? You do it once a week? Yeah, once a week. I'm like 63 episodes in.

And I love it. Because I like radio. I love radio. It's one of my favorite things. It's almost as much as stand-up. But I don't have guests because I live way up in the woods. Nobody's coming up here. So you just do it yourself?

I talk for an hour. I treat it like a radio. I do news stuff. I treat it kind of almost like a radio show. Like Bill Burr does his stuff all by himself too. Yeah, he rambles. He very rarely has a person on. Yeah.

Yeah. He'll read like viewer email or listener emails and stuff like that. Yeah. I just, I'll do stuff in the news and just my personal life and just ramble. It's a good, it's like a good exercise for radio. Oh, yeah. To keep it moving forward, try to keep them entertained.

And I like to play with sound effects and shit. I have this thing. Do you? I'm like a kid. Like an iPad or something? Yeah. Yeah, I run it through my iPad.

It's a blast. Try that for like one episode. I was like, this is annoying. Well, you don't have to. You have 19 cameras. Look at you. This is like,

I feel like I'm in CBS Studios right now. Well, we're going to have, it'll be way more high tech after today. Just how much money do you have, Joe? Fair factor cash, son. Well, how about news radio isn't exactly. Yeah, that went into syndication too. It's not bad being out here.

I'd love to just break into his checking account for five minutes. See what the fuck's going on. No, you're done good. Thanks for having me on, brother. Oh, please. Seriously. My pleasure, my friend. Can we plug my thing one more time?

Another senseless killing. You can buy it right now. Can we play a clip for him, or is it too late? NickDip.com. We're literally out of time. Yeah. But NickDip.com. We played one that's hilarious, but this is it.

You got it up there. Another senseless killing. Seriously, dude, I've known you for 25-plus fucking years. You've always been hilarious. This is it You got it up there Another senseless killing Seriously dude I've known you for 25 plus fucking years Yeah You've always been hilarious Thank you Joe

You're always been a great comic And a great dude Appreciate it brother We've been friends for a long time Happy to help you out Anytime you want to come on again You got an open invitation I'll start this fucker up

At 4 o'clock in the morning for you Dude This is the only reason I come out here to LA Oh that's awesome man Thank you So folks Go

Nickdip.com Go Go buy this Go Purchase Get it Respect Nick DiPaolo Motherfucker That's the only reason I come out here to LA. Oh, that's awesome, man. Thank you. So, folks, go. NickDip.com. Go. Go buy this. Go. Purchase. Get it. Respect.

Nick DiPaolo, motherfucker. Thanks, fellas. And what is your Twitter? Is it NickDiPaolo? At Nick DiPaolo. Yeah. Why NickDiPaolo? Why NickDiPaolo? NickDiPaolo.com.

Why not Nick DiPaolo? You can go to both. Oh, you own both of them? It's what's easier to spell. I try to make it simple. Oh, so if you go to Nick DiPaolo, it goes over to NickDiPaolo.com? I guess. It's one of those transfer things? I guess. That's smart. Oh, so if you go to Nick DiPaolo, it goes over to NickDip.com? I guess.

Transfer things? I guess. That's smart. Nick Dip is easier. And Paolo spelled P-A-O-L-O. That's why I do Nick Dip. Yeah. Italians. And grease balls.

Yeah, my friends. All right, folks. We'll be back tomorrow. So until then, go fuck yourself. See you soon. Much love. Big kiss. NickDip.com.

Go.