The Joe Rogan Experience - #60 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: December 7, 2010

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz, and Ari Shaffir.

Just like silence. We just wait for the magic to happen, Ari. Sometimes I don't want to prepare. Here it goes. Magic. Trust. Trust in the muse. Check.

Check point. Oh. Truth of the matter is I'm complicated You're as straight as they come You go about your day, baby While I hide from the sun It's better if you don't understand Cause you won't know what it's like until you try.

You know I, I've been waiting on the other side. And you, all you gotta do is cross the line. All you gotta do is cross the line I could wait a whole lot of time But you just gotta decide You know I I've been waiting on the other Waiting on the other side We would live forever

Who could ask for more? you could die if you wanted but baby what's for it's better if you don't understand and you won't know what it's like until you try This song makes me feel like I walked in on a gay couple arguing. It actually sounds like the credits of a Jennifer Aniston movie. Yeah, right at the end. Like she's jumping up and down and the fall leaves. Right. And they're frozen in the air and her dog is barking and then it freezes and then the song comes on. Yes.

And you go, okay, now I can take her home and fuck her because i took her to a jennifer anderson movie see jennifer anderson got a good job she did no whatever the movie was ladies and gentlemen joining us today on the podcast we have the one and only mr ari shafir hey ari a-r-i-s-h-S-H-A-F-F-I-R On Twitter Bitches Follow that Homeboy Home Home Homeboy

Also joining us is The one and only Mad Flava A.K.A. Joe Diaz A.K.A. Planet Rock You were Planet Rock

For like a month Remember? I still like Planet Rock I like it too I'm waiting for you To bring it back I'm gonna bust it out soon You know what I'm saying?

Hope everybody's doing well Out there in podcast land. Planet Rock will come out on New Year's. Fuck yeah. Well, we don't have a New Year's. We're not doing a New Year's show, folks. The Mandalay Bay and the ticket people that put up the link, it got complicated. And it didn't look like there was going to be enough time to sell tickets.

So we bailed and then we're coming back in February on the Super Bowl weekend. So cancel your tickets, all you people. Get your fucking miles back. Yeah, I don't know what happened. If you bang them, you can still get the miles. I don't think anybody bought any tickets. I don't think the link didn't go up yet, so I'm pretty sure it wasn't available. It just was too close.

It was too close. It was too annoying. So we got it back for February 4th, it looks like. Super Bowl weekend. Super Bowl weekend. Wow. Should be fun. Vito Belfort, Anderson Silva, Rich Franklin.

Who else? And we'll have a link up for that in a couple days. Who else is Super Bowl weekend, guys? Rich Franklin? I don't know. I don't know. Ooh, Beta and Jon Jones. Really?

Yes, that's the three on the card. Super Bowl weekend? Yes, check it out. How do you know that and I don't know that? Because, dog, this is what I do. I am the underground. You know what I'm saying? You're a soldier.

No, no, no. You're a foot soldier. It's Franklin against the other guy, I think. The show is sponsored by one of my favorites. Drop it. The Fleshlight, ladies and gentlemen. The Fleshlight. I got no recipes this week, fucksuckers.

It's a fucking real company that pays money to keep the show rolling, and we appreciate them. And it's an excellent product, okay? It's an embarrassing situation. A lot of people don't want to admit they masturbate, but if you're a fan of aliens- I'm a fan of that one, definitely. You like this one? That's a good one. That's my favorite one. For penis yeah tell me tell me more it just has a little bit better

texture than the other ones i have inside because inside there's actually like three different alien textures it makes sense because you're you know you're really into technology it makes sense you'd really be in a fucking alien yeah if you go to joe rogan.net there's a link for the flashlight you get 15 off like i said i endorse it it's a link for the flashlight. You get 15% off. Like I said, I endorse it. It's a good product. It's an embarrassing product, you know? Looks like a coffee mug.

It's probably kept me from getting an audition or two, but that's okay. But it's fun. It's good. It's fun when you're by yourself. You're stoned. You don't want to call nobody. You don't want to talk to nobody. There you are in the hotel room.

You take it to the hallway with your robe on and your slippers. You fill it up with ice. You come back. You put the fucking little artificial monkey back in there and you bang one out with some ice cubes and you get some eskimo pussy and you go to bed and you come with a cup and then you fucking wait till it melts and whatever you do you know you come with a cup whatever the fuck it is you know you have a good time everybody wants to have a good time you know i have this big problem with my animals right now after i masturbate not using the fleshlight I'll come in like a napkin

And put it on my nightstand And that means oh my cat loves napkin balls And paper balls So the cat throws it on the ground Where the dog likes to eat toilet paper So then the dog eats it So it's like this whole teen tag of eating my cum And it ends up in my dog's mouth

With these dogs pregnant Comes out with a fucking iPhone of eating my cum and it ends up in my dog's mouth. Wait till your dog gets fucking, wait till your dog's pregnant and comes out with a fucking iPhone, cocksucker. You dirty bastard. You have to call

fucking America's Most Wanted you filthy fuck. I don't do it on purpose. Why do you leave it Well, if you see the dog eat the napkin with cum on it already, fuck.

Well, all right, so you're, so you just shoot loads and just immediately black out. Yes, yes. 3 a.m., you know, this is only when I don't. Yes, yes. 3 a.m. This is only when I don't use the flashlight. Like 3 a.m., come home drunk, put it in a napkin, put it on my nightstand.

Next day, I hear cats shuffling like that. And then next thing I know, dog grabs ball off the ground. Well, let him eat it. It's not bad for him. Why don't you come in your fucking hands and wipe it on the sheet or come on your pillowcase? That's gross. Or come in a sock or something. But you can't come in a napkin.

Come in a sock. They're going to recycle that shit. Somebody's going to wipe their fucking ass. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Brian. If it's the cat's fault, though. The cat thinks it's hilarious if the dog eats my cum, I think. It's your resistance to sleep after you shoot your loads.

That's the issue. That's what I immediately pictured you shooting a little and wiping and going. The last thing I want to do is clean up afterwards. Scrounging for food. Dogs got nothing to do with food. I know, you don't do much, all right? When you whack off, that's where that motherfucker stays and you lay on it. And you wake up and put a shirt over it like fucking nothing happened.

Like, hey, Lincoln, you don't give a fuck. I don't blame you. I use the inside out sock and I throw it next to the bed. And it just, you have like 20 socks With fucking sperm in them And trees And mushrooms That's You know

That was a line in my act But it's so true That I can't remember How many times Did I shot a load on my stomach And I just put my shirt on And just left Just took off

Pulled my shirt down And you know Never bothered wiping myself off Like a fucking Poo in your belly button You know what I'm saying Bats are flying out of there At the store With fucking cum caked all over your stomach.

How many times have you done that? All day. All day. If I'm lazy, if I've worked too hard, I got too much shit I got to do, I'll just shoot loads of my chest hairs and leave them there. I don't give a fuck. Like I said, that's what's good about being uncircumcised. Sometimes I whack off and I just hold it at the tip

and it swells up like a boa constrictor. I just sit there for like a minute and then I go in and unload it in the fucking toilet. It comes right out one fucking shot. If you're uncircumcised, do that. Just whack off and come and just hold the tip. You can watch TV until the next fucking commercial. It swells up like a boa constrictor. You got to hold it tight.

Everybody's looking at me. It looks like a balloon, like a wet balloon. I got the Cuban egg one. I just boop and it comes all out. I pull the skin back. I dry off the helmet and there you go. And somebody in LA is drinking my fucking sperm. Just so I get a full picture. What color is your sperm? Like yours

I guess. I don't fucking know. It's clear. I don't know. I would not think that your loads would be like normal loads. I'm Cuban. They're like tan. Like if you got... Let's have Mike again. Yes. What, Mike?

Dang. All right, don't worry. I won't touch it. I won't touch it. Maybe it's not connected right, Brian. Well, hold on. We're all right. I won't touch it.

I'm good right here. I'm turning off Joey Diaz's mic right now. Just grab it and try to push it up. I know. Son of a bitch. Do we need a new cable? What is happening? I think so.

Every time someone touches that, last week Mayhem was killing my ears. Because every time he would just accidentally pop into it, it makes this really loud pop. It's amazing you're actually doing this with studio style microphones in your home. Hey, we don't fuck around, dog. I like it. Well, we started out with this ball that was this stupid thing that you buy, USB. Is that good? Yeah. No, man. No, we're good. I ball that was this stupid thing that you buy, USB. Check, check. Is that good?

Yeah. No, man. No, we're good. I ain't going to touch it. I ain't going to touch it. How are you going to touch it? I ain't going to touch it. You're touching it now. We're good right there.

Put the thing so I can get it. Jesus Christ. That's good right there. I won't touch it. All right. No, I got healthy fucking helmet juice. Healthy helmet juice? No blood?

No, no. One time I had blood a couple years ago. What is that for? What does that one have? I went right to Bob Hope Dope the next day because Dr. Wexler is the best doctor at Bob Hope Dope. Bob Hope Dope. And I told him right off the bat, I said, Dr. Wexler, I got to tell you something. And I looked at him straight in the face and I came last night and it was all blood.

And he looked at me and goes, so what? He goes, that happens every once in a while. You get in the party. He's looking at you. He's happy that you can come yeah no no no no everything was good

it happens sometimes if you come a lot of fucking blood that's when it's bad that's when it's bad yeah if you come how much is a lot well I came one time

the amount of blood you know maybe you get kicked in the nut at Kung Fu did I ever tell you about the time I came home and my dick was broken listen to this

oh you went to I went to Jiu Jitsu right and I'm rolling with my friend Einstein and he Scott was broken. I went to jujitsu, right? And I'm rolling with my friend Einstein and Scott Epstein. And he goes to pass my guard and slams his knee right into my dick. I didn't have a cup back then. I didn't wear a cup. This is the incident that made me wear a cup. Not my balls, but my dick.

Like, bam! Sorry. Right on my dick. Very, very painful, right? So I deal with it, you know, and then I go right back to rolling. You know, I take a couple minutes off, and then once I'm okay, I get back in there. It really rocked me, though. So then I get off.

I get out of jiu-jitsu class, and I go to take my jockstrap off, and there's blood in it. It's, like, all blood. And I'm like, oh, fuck. Like, soaked? Yeah, soaked. Yeah, the whole thing's red. And then I'm looking down. I'm like, oh, fuck. And then I look, soaked. Yeah, the whole thing's red. And then I'm looking down. I'm like, oh, fuck.

And then I look at my dick, and my dick is bleeding out of the tip. So I piss, okay? And when I piss, I see all kinds of blood and shit in my piss. And I'm like, god, fuck. So now I'm thinking, what do I do now? Do I go to the doctor? Because if it was my nose, what would I do? I would just go home.

What are they going to do? They're not going to do anything. So I say, am I being oversensitive because this is my dick? Yeah, I I do? I would just go home. What are they going to do? They're not going to do anything. So I said, am I being oversensitive because this is my dick? Yeah, I am. So just go home. So I got home, and then it was freaking me out. Like, what if my dick is broken? What if something seems serious damage?

So I forced myself to jerk off. Did it hurt? No, it didn't hurt that bad. What were you thinking? I just wanted to see if I could still get a hard-on. If I could still get a hard-on, I was sure that there was nothing wrong with my dick. And yeah, it was fine. I shot a load and my load was like

pinkish with red streaks in it and shit. I did a bottom zipper thing where you zip the bottom of your dick once. I've done that. And it was so fucking bad that it just was like this big scar for a while. No chick ever wants to believe that either by the way

Yeah, the old No chick wants to just hear us. It's a zipper my zipper Circumcised you don't know what it is to catch your fucking dick in your zip Let me taste my little foreskin looks like Frankenstein's forehead dog My dick looks like... Let me tell you something. My little foreskin looks like Frankenstein's forehead, dog. I got stitches in that motherfucker and everything. I'll show you right now.

I got a fucking scar on my helmet from when I was about eight. I caught that turtleneck. I just left it there for two days, I think, one time. Dog, I was pissing sideways. I'd leave my pants on. It took like two days. I didn't tell my... I was a soldier.

Even then, I didn't show mom. I think I went crying like a pussy to mom. Put peroxide. I lived with those shorts. My mom kept saying, how come those shorts are still on? Leave it there. I had a little buckle to put your keys in there.

So I kept telling her, if I don't have this, I'll lose my fucking keys. Little did she know, I had the zipper. That's when they put a big flap over your zipper. I had the zipper caught in the fucking flap of the turtleneck. So you left it in there?

I couldn't pull it out. The pain was fucking awful. So you just left it in the zipper caught in the fucking flap of the turtleneck. So you left it in there? I couldn't pull it out. The pain was fucking awful. So you just left it in the zipper? That's right. When I watched Something About Mary, that guy's one fucking day called the ambulance. I walked around for two fucking days. I still got a scar on that dog. Jesus Christ.

You just didn't want to unzip it? I didn't want to show nobody. That's embarrassing when you're raped and you got to go to your mom and say, you know. Have you ever jerked off so much or obsessively To the point where you got a blister on your dick No no no That happens a lot A lot still

I'm a chronic masturbator The Fleshlight Company Understands me How many times a week do you do it I wanna know how many little times you've had blisters Dude I've done it and then a couple minutes later Go go, God, I'm going to go masturbate. Wait, I just masturbated. What's in a normal week for you, though?

Like three a day. Damn! I'm not that high. Three every day? Sure. What do your loads look like? Like morning, mid-afternoon, night. This is my questionnaire today for everyone.

So what do your loads look like? Please describe your loads. Pretty watery. It's mostly just Powerade orange after a while. Powerade lemonade. It looks like Powerade lemonade probably. Oh no, yeah.

I want to know how long it takes to refuel your helmet after you shoot a load. It's like 10 minutes. I wonder what the percentage of soldiers are. Right, the percentage. Let's look that up, Joe. You know that your first loads... Go to YouTube.

The most loads are to kill other sperm. That's what most of your sperm is for. Is it really? What do you mean? Yeah. Most of your sperm is to go and seek out other people's sperm inside the girl's vagina and kill it. Wow.

That's pretty crazy. They say that the rate of promiscuous women is directly proportional to the men with big balls. And the men with big balls, the reason why they're growing big balls around all these women is because these women are promiscuous, and so they have to develop more killer sperm to go in and assault all the other sperm. I've always had giant balls. I've always had giant balls. You've always had giant balls. You're from a family of whores.

Family of whores and sluts. And you're just constantly around chicks that want extra dick. And when you're around that, that's a different level of competition. I don't have big balls. What the fuck do you read? Very nice. I read science journals, brother. What the fuck is he saying about big balls?

It's all fascinating stuff, man. Well, they don't say big balls. They say testicles. What the fuck is wrong saying about big balls? It's all fascinating stuff, man. Well, they don't say big balls. They say testicles. What the fuck is wrong with you? That's the case with animals as well. The case of the animals in the wild kingdom, the animals that have the biggest balls are the ones that are in fierce competition with other males.

To get laid. Yeah. Your loads will actually kill other loads. So just in case you're still trying to get them pregnant? Yeah, soldiers. And your loads are soldiers. And they're not even there to make babies. there's a bunch of them that are specifically there to find other sperm and put the beating on them it's a war it's a war inside her pussy that's what it is man the reason why men are so fucking competitive with each other constantly

is because we have we have a factory of sperm killers that were growing inside of our body to combat other dudes. I want the other loads that are already there. What if your loads and their loads got together and became friends? Like peaceful loads. What if loads had load babies? Yeah.

And they're just like little loadier. She's just constantly dripping loads out. What the fuck is wrong with her? If it just grew in this huge bubble of loads. Inside of her ovaries, she's developed like a whole colony of loads. Yeah. Just living together. They've figured out how to survive off moisture.

Have you heard that thing about life? That they found a new form of life? NASA found a form of life that's arsenic based. So it evolved in a completely different environment than human beings, and it just changed their whole picture of what life can be. They never thought that that would be possible. Explain more. Well, I'd have to go and read it.

It's a whole new form of life. Arsenic life. What does that mean? It lives in lava? They live with arsenic. Arsenic is a part of their being. I forget what it replaces. I think phosphorus?

I'm not sure. But it replaces something that our life is based on. Well, basically what the idea is, it's not a parallel growth. It's like these things evolved on their own. It's a different form of life that evolved on its own. And it's only like a bacteria, but still, it's a different form of life. It means that if life got more complicated with the carbon-based life that we have, it could get more complicated with their

life as well. There could be some sort of super-intelligent life that's totally outside of our realm of imagination. We can never guess it. So they have to re-look at all these other planets that they thought wasn't suitable for life. Now they have to kind of re-look at it and go, well, maybe it is. It's a different kind of of life we're assuming that the only kind of life that gets to

be super intelligent and can control the world is life like us but so says who says fucking who we there could be some crazy shit on venus there could be not probably not venus but you know on some other planets that we you know that has a totally different alien atmosphere and totally totally different you know uh food supply and totally different temperatures. There could be some nutty shit out there, man. They found a new fucking planet. How about this? They don't know what it is, but they believe there's a Jupiter-sized object just outside of our solar system.

It's a long way away, but it's fucking huge. And they're trying to wrap their head around it right now. They don't know exactly what it is or how big it is or how far out it is but there's a very good chance that there's a jupiter-sized fucking planet and jupiter is the biggest planet in our solar system one outside of pluto outside that kuiper belt they've been i've heard scientists talk about this in the past apparently there's something goes on at the end of space, something about the galactic shelf and the idea is that they can gauge how many objects are in the Kuiper belt.

There's like a drop-off at a certain point. And they think that the only way that drop-off would be there is if there's a large body that has a lot of gravity. And so they were thinking that at one point in time maybe there was a planet, but now they're really sure. Now it's getting much, much more likely. That's pretty crazy shit, man. If there's there's something out there it's apparently way the fuck out there like further

from pluto than we are from pluto you know it's it's fucking out there oh but it's big that's close that's scary close you know there are people on there dude that's that's that's nabiru man when it comes into focus when we learn about it that's when's that's an appear room man when it comes into focus when we learn about it that's when we learn about the Anunnaki did you guys see that planet the other day when you guys had a little bit of fun do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Tell this Pink Floyd ass I wasn't depressed It sounded epic This is how I found out about it I was on my message board And someone made a thread That Joe Diaz and Ari Jafira

Are dropping ass And going to see Pink Floyd I'm like god damn Those motherfuckers are doing it I felt like I was Like when you hear about One of your friends That's about to go trip

It's like your friend Is really literally About to get in a boat And go sail to the Other side of the world. It really feels the same way. You're like, oh, I'll have a good time with that. Yeah.

Like Eddie called me up once. He goes, dude, I'm doing five grams of mushrooms today. Five grams? Yeah. I was like, oh, shit. That's insane. I was like, all right, man. Good luck.

Good luck, dude. Tell me everything. Tell me everything. I'm like, write shit down. Write shit down. Tell me everything. Good luck. It's so weird that Eddie's the guy that when you used to do mushrooms younger that he's like, yeah, dude, I'm doing five grams.

You're like, why is that guy doing that much? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what it is at all, Brian. It depends on how you're using mushrooms. He's built up a tolerance too, right? No, no, no, no, no. Your tolerance goes away if you just stop for a couple of weeks. With mushrooms, the big, big doses like five grams, six grams, seven grams, those are the ones where these people have these insane transcendent experiences where they talk about communicating with some alien life forms and being taken aboard ships and being traveled to other dimensions.

And the secrets of the universe bestowed upon you. I mean, that's where Terrence McKenna came up with time wave zero novelty theory based on the I Ching. We're just pounding tons of mushrooms. Yeah, if you do two buckets of B12, you're going to trip and see shit. No, Brian, Brian. Why do you need to go that far is what I'm saying. Listen, these are some of the most powerful experiences that people have ever had. You're just thinking of mushrooms as a silly thing.

I never liked that. I'm thinking of that. I eat one gram of mushrooms, I'm tripping my ass off and I don't need to go farther. It's not the same. It's not the same. It's not the same. When you eat like two, three grams, or when you smoke peyote, it's a different fucking experience. Yeah, it's like Jim Morrison seeing the doors when he's out in the jungle. But I've also eaten regular acid.

What same was that? Did I just make up a scene? No, no, that's a true thing. I've also done acid where it's taken you, you know, it's an eight-hour fucking trip. You go through 19 levels and different emotions, man. Yeah, absolutely. You know, you do a thousand. Those mushrooms, those mushrooms they go three four hours and they're least intense i've taken some fucking ass that you don't you just keep going in and out and you're living off

your subtext your subtext is what's fueling you you're seeing something but your subtext is taking you somewhere else so you're thinking about why you didn't clean your room when you were fucking six but i'm talking to this, you know, it's amazing. We smuggled, I had to bring mushrooms once to Jersey. And when I brought them to my friend's house, I put them on top of the table. His name was Danny Bianculo. And we left and his younger brother came home and started eating them. Oh, no.

He thought they were like French fries and started eating them. And we're hearing, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. And he's like, the fucking shrooms, that's my brother. His brother was like 10 or 11. This motherfucker ate half the bag. We were scared to take him to the hospital. So we just left him there. We went out.

Are you serious? We were scared. But you don't know this family. This family, the mother shot at him with a gun one time. Danny was the kid that that was at his house, and he would be doing a line of coke while his mother was shooting steroids in his fucking ass. Do you know what that's like? His what?

His mother would shoot him with Decker once a day. His mother would shoot him with steroids. And he'd be on the phone. This was his house. He'd be on the phone snorting a line of coke in front of his mother with his mother putting a syringe in his ass. This is his house. Really?

This kid being 10 and eating a half ounce of mushrooms ain't shit. The mother shot at him one time. That kid, the one that ate the mushrooms, listen to what he's into. How many grams is that? How many grams is that? I brought him 14 and he probably ate five or six. Oh, my God. And we didn't pump his stomach or nothing.

We just left him there. But listen to what this kid did years later. Let me tell you how smart that acid made him. Years later. That kid's doing 20 years right now. For what? For robbing a bank with a fish in that. With a fish hook down a night deposit.

And he took the money out of the fucking thing, like 30 large out of a bank, and took a cab to fucking New York and took a flight to Hawaii. And you know how they caught him? Because he gave the cab driver a $100 bill. That's how they nailed him. Little Bianculo.

He's in Jersey. He's probably out by now. But they nailed him robbing a bank with a fucking fishing line and a hook. Do you feel responsible? Maybe, but fuck it. He had a good time. You know what I'm saying? Well, here's the funny thing.

He ate the mushrooms. We went out to have a party. We get back at 3, and he goes, oh, my God. All the lights are out in the house. He goes, that's amazing. Because the lights are out in the house. He goes, that's amazing because this guy's house was always rocking.

He had sisters that would party with drug dealers and the mother. We walk in and all the lights are out. We turn the lights on and the brother's

in the living room, the young one, sitting there by himself with all the lights on. He looks at us and he goes, what? I ain't tripping.

And we just broke out. We just broke the fuck out. We just broke out because eight hours later the fuck out. We just broke out. Eight hours later, this little kid was in the living room just fucking sweating profusely. He had his shirt off. He had the air on.

Oh, it was fucking classic. If you could read that kid's mind and see what he saw at 10 years old not knowing it's coming and taking that big a dose. Not knowing it's coming, yeah. Well, I don't think your body's... I did acid the first time when I was 13.

I'll tell you right now. I don't think I was prepared for it. I did window paint. It was like hitting a fucking home run in my head. You did what? Window paint acid. I've heard of so many dudes that did it real young and they just fucked their brain. Didn't come back.

I'm very lucky. They shot that shit. I would buy 100 hits for $90 and sell them for $3 a piece in high school. And I would take three or four of them in two or three days. You know what I'm saying? So after three days, your fucking thing is going, your stem. You can feel your stem when you wake up in the morning. Your brain says vibrating.

Barely working. Extra acid. Oh, my God. I just had it in there. I was like Electro Man. I just had it in the back of my neck, you know? What's the most important thing you ever figured out when you were on drugs? When I was on acid is a motherfucker because it lets you go out and look in.

You know what I'm saying? And that's why I wanted to see Pink Floyd again because I seen him the first time they came. And when you go see those motherfuckers, I mean, I went to the gym this morning. I was listening to them again. Welcome to the machine or something. One of those from Wish You Were Here. Welcome, my son, to the machine, whatever. And those motherfuckers tripped, and then they wrote about it,

which is really brilliant in a musical way. So that's why I was so fired up about this. But when you sit there, and it just takes you from one emotion to the other. When I trip, I want to be Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now. You'll be gone. That's it, gone. When he goes, he's fighting with the wind. All that scene where he's tripping, he bangs the

fucking mirror and he's naked. That's a trip. That's the best fucking trip you'll see. The other thing was, we got together the other day. We took the acid. We took a half a hit. Then we got on the train and then we took the other hit on the train. And when we got there, we

walked over the staples. Tell me the thought process. You took one, you waited, and then you took another one? I wanted to skin pop it. Skin pop it. What does that mean? Skin pop it, what the heroin people would do. They always pop a little bit in their skin

just to see how strong the heroin is. You want to test the motherfucking water. How do you skin pop heroin? It's like waiting. It's an expression. It's like take a half hit of a joint and then waiting 10 minutes. I give you a bag of weed and you just, instead of rolling a big blunt, you're like, hold on, this is Joey Diaz.

Let's just take one fucking hit. You follow me? So we took a half a hit at 4.30 just to time it out. And then we took the other whole hit at 6 o'clock to time it out. So I figured by 8 o'clock I'd be in fucking Jupiter. But instead we were outside trying to get tickets. When we pulled up, they had tickets for a buck and a quarter, but on the left-hand side, all the way on the left,

we wouldn't have seen that. I wouldn't have mind going to get those tickets. But we took a gamble. We thought we'd get something else, but there was no scalpers down there. And then I wanted to stay and fight, but it wasn't the clientele I thought I would see at a Pink Floyd concert. My trip that night while I was there, because the acid didn't hit me until on the train ride

until we went to eat something. And that's how I knew it was good acid, because I was tripping, but we ate something. So once we went to that fucking restaurant, the stable, whatever the fuck the name of it was. The pantry. The pantry. That's when it kicked in.

That's when it kicked in. Yeah, we had walked away. It was probably 8.35, 8.40. So how strong is it it's men's events it's i gotta pop two of them to really get the party stuff yeah we gotta do more on an empty stomach two of them and get into some excitement that's how i got i still got them i got them i could feel like coming starting to kick in but then just would just wouldn't click it didn't go over the mountain and i think we had to get into some type of deviant isn't that

a tricky thing though about acid you don't know how goddamn strong it is. It's not like weed. It does this thing, too, where it comes and then goes away. It goes away. And then it comes stronger and then goes away. And then it goes away and you smoke a joint and it comes all the way up for a couple minutes. I've had a bunch of people tell me that eating weed is a lot like LSD. Is that the case?

No. No. Not even close. Not even close. What is the difference, Brian? no no not even close not even close what is what is the difference brian lsd if if it's good lsd like jesus we used to take jesus christ or beavis and butthead acid back in the day that was like the big ones right it used to actually take like like be a dmt trip different rural you know this is not your room anymore this is a room made of jello for three hours like and then next thing

you know your hands are you are falling on the floor. In the very beginning, it felt like you were on an edible. Ten minutes after I had it, I was like, oh, my body felt kind of tingly. I think it's got the intense part or the body. You're feeling, I don't know, intense or tighten up, like the strychnine type feel. I think it has that. This didn't have strychnine in it. It didn't have strychnine? Which really surprised me, no. Why are you saying strychnine type feel. I think it has that. This didn't have strychnine in it. It didn't have strychnine?

Which really surprised me, no. Why are you saying strychnine, though? Is it strychnine acid? Because I know how to strychnine. Yeah, in the old days. Whoa, why would they put strychnine in acid? Rat poison and acid. Back in the day, they used to say it made it stick to the paper more or something like

that. Or something weird like that. Something really weird. There's a lot of strychnine. Oh, my God. Get some flour. You can fucking feel it. In the next day, you're back.

You felt like a fucking rat. You're like, I'm going to bite some motherfucker. And there used to be things like, if you got in a car accident, that strychnine, if it hits you right in the back, you're fucked for life. Oh, your spine, man. It's going to go into your system. Exactly. But yeah, that's why then I switched to doing liquid on sugar cubes, where you just buy

a big thing of sugar cubes and just buy some liquid. That I liked. That was awesome. And how do you get the liquid? From a mad scientist. Who knows? And you have a dropper or something? You get a dropper?

Apparently, the DEA keeps a very close track of the precursors, the stuff that you need to chemically synthesize LSD. Well, I'll tell you what happened. I could have got the liquid for this show, but he wanted 600 a canister, and they wanted to mail it to me oh no sorry yeah bye why not tell you what they want to put you in jail no no this is my buddy i know him a long time but just a mail thought i don't want somebody knocking on the door and i got fucking spike tv in front of my door with a camera and uh dea show on there you follow me

yeah i don't want to if i know the guy this cat i get it from i know i'm 20 you don't need that much anyway i ain't going no you need two drops but you just can't call whatever and say i need two drops flown to me they want you to buy the whole fucking container and i didn't mind buying a container but then i got a container in my house a liquid lsd you know two in the afternoon i'm bored ain't nothing going on youtube is kicking it's a bad idea yeah you follow me i don't give a fuck. I got nothing to do with it. That's a weird thing worrying about being set up. You know, it's a weird thing with drugs, with certain drugs.

Like, you have to worry about being set up. It seems so lame. If you're a guy who's, like, into Coke, especially if you sell Coke, man. I know a guy who was just selling a little bit of Coke. He was not selling a lot of Coke. He was selling it, like, at clubs and here and there. Just always to make a little extra money and he his supplier got in trouble and he got arrested and apparently he like swallowed the baggie or something he got off

and he never had to do time but they were after him and they were on to him i don't remember who fucking told me this story but um so what happened was, what they did was they set him up, and they said that they were going to have this. His supplier got popped, so the DEA went behind his supplier, and they said, listen, this guy that got off, we're going to go get him. You're going to help us get him, and we're going to give you some time off. So what they did was they set it up. So they went after the little guy who was selling a little bit here and there,

and he said, hey, man, I'm going out of business. You could take my whole supply. I'll give you fucking half off. I'm going to give you half of what I paid for it. I just want out. You can take the whole thing, but I need it all in cash. So I goes,

okay. So this dummy goes and gets it all in cash, gets this big wad of cash, meets him. Swat guys show up. A humongous amount of, of, of,

of coke. They talked him into becoming a major dealer. They talked him into this. So now the guy goes away forever or 15 years or something crazy. And meanwhile, he was just a petty little drug dealer. And he got fucked. Well, little amounts. See, you know, eight man a gram, an eight ball on you.

See, if you have an eight ball and it's not packaged up, you're okay. It's from my head. But my point was, how crazy is that they can do that? They can set you up with a fake they can make the number they can say you know it's a it's a five hundred thousand dollars or you know a million dollars with a coke they could bring the coke they can set you up like it doesn't have to be you know anything that was your idea it could be their idea which is not fair because if you're dealing with someone who's a criminal okay the psychology

behind a criminal is always this could be my last score this could be a big score maybe i get this and i get out you know maybe i get this and i'll do something legit like it's so tempting for them if they've done criminal shit before and they've got away with it you come to them with some crazy that's like you like you know some really some guy was trying to be faithful and some chick shows up naked at his house, sucks his dick and says, aha, look what you did. Yeah. You sucked my dick. Hey, you freaked me out. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is. What happens is this. The guy who rolled against him, even if he went to the government, still, if this motherfucker's smart, he has to take it to trial. If he had a half a million dollars to pay for coke, he's got a ton of money to pay for an attorney. Nobody wants to put a snitch on the witness stand. So they plea bargain him out, and he does three fucking years.

Because if you go away that way, that's the other angle. They lie to you to keep rolling you. Is that the case, though? But if they want to get you. How did they get you? They got you through this guy named Joe Rogan. I type it up. Joe Rogan's got more arrests than my client. I want to see this guy in court. I want to get you. How did they get you? They got you through this guy named Joe Rogan. I type it up.

Joe Rogan's got more arrests than my client. I want to see this guy in court. I want to see him testify. Let's take him to trial. Fuck it. Let's take him to trial. Fuck it. Let's take him to trial.

This guy goes in the stand. You've been arrested for everything from fucking your mother to smoking fucking 20 joints at school. And you're going to come testify about my guy? They throw the fucking thing out. That coercion shit is kind of fucking weird. It's tricky. That's what I'm saying. How could come up with a scenario it is but i don't think it is i think as long as you're you've already been dealing with that guy it's like it's a normal situation like if they send some old ladies a cop down the street with a bag and somebody robs her you know but she's really a cop it's like that's not entrapment old ladies walk down here all the time that's a very good point that's

a very good point yeah no that's not entrapment at all yeah that's uh that's an undercover cop yeah it's a weird thing where they're allowed to come up with scenarios you know they're allowed to do this shit listen one thing and you know this they could come into your house at any time with any fucking story they do it everywhere though they don't just do it i mean they do cyberly they do torrents they'll throw fucking tron on there to see if you download tron and then you know get you for that too i did i did download tron arrested did you like that the old one i don't say anything it's amazing you'd be surprised you'd be surprised with an undercover listen let me tell you something for an undercover cop to buy coke from somebody,

they got to do coke in front of them. That's just knowledge. Yeah, you have to, right? So these cops. A lot of those guys get hooked. They get hooked. No, well, the most important thing is they buy the coke from you, they do a line in front of you,

and they push the trial back to nine months. By the time the cop goes into trial, he's clean and sober. It's out of his system. It's out of his system. Right, right, right. So it's not your word against yours. They do what the fuck they want if they want to come after you. It's like traffic.

You just got to be fucking smart. You just got to be under the radar. Listen, a kid came to visit me two weeks ago, three weeks ago from Jersey. We didn't get to hook up. This kid's been dealing blow since we were in high school. He's got a plumbing business. He's got three different XYs with three houses and three different, and in Rumson and in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. He's got three different ex-wives with three houses and three different... And in Rumson and in

Cherry Hill, New Jersey. He's got six employees. He's got bids all over the... And he's still fucking... And he's got a broad here. A Russian broad here at a strip club. You understand me? 47, 48. Three kids, three different broads. Huge child support.

Been selling blow since eight balls since we were in Kaiseraum. He just knows. How the fuck could you do that? There's not a lot of guys that can do that. Almost all of them get busted. The odds are against you. But if you go under, there's a way to go under

and stay under and finance. You can finance. When you're financing a good thing and you're getting 20% of their action and they're making $800,000 a month, that's not too fucking shabby, you know? Yeah, but you figure somebody will come after him. I mean, it's just amazing. And he took half the dough and started up a business.

He's got six fucking employees with trucks and walking doggies. He's got employees? Wow. What is his job? Well, you don't want to say. No, but it's just amazing that some people, we had this. We had this kind of, you know, some people go away and some people are very smart. Some people are stupid about it.

I always thought it was bad luck no matter what. I always thought somewhere along the line, you're going to pay for it. You know, he's got three fucking wives. He's got three ex-wives. That alone psychologically is bullshit on somebody. Everybody that I've ever met that sells drugs, their lives become fucked up. The karma is horrible.

They're always sketchy to be around. You pay for it, though. I'm always worried about somebody robbing them or cops catching them. Who watched the most interesting? I don't watch a lot of drug documentaries and all that shit because people always try to be big. I did watch a very interesting one where they took a rocker

out of England and they took him to Columbia and showed him what it takes to make a kilo of cocaine from scratch and they took this motherfucker in the bunker with machine guns and this motherfucker was breaking down I'll never, this motherfucker never did another line again. Wow.

He came back spreading the gospel that way how, what it takes to fucking get that gram of coke. What you're really doing to society. What you're really doing to these people. Some way you got to pay. Look at this whole war now is about heroin. You and I both know it. It's a big chunk of what this war is about.

And no one wants to mention it. And nobody wants to mention it. And you bring it up and it sounds like you're a wacky conspiracy theorist. But here's the bottom line, folks. 90 plus percent of the world's heroin comes from afghanistan that is a multi multi-billion dollar business and if you think these fucking industrialist cocksuckers that are running the world they're gonna leave that money behind you're fucking crazy 90 percent dude they've got army

fucking united states army troops guarding poppy fields. Wow. And it's still coming in. Yeah, it's still coming in. It's coming in like crazy. They're helping these people grow it. They're helping these people grow it so that they'll get us to the Taliban. We have to gain their trust.

Geraldo Rivera, we talked about this a couple weeks ago on the podcast or last week. It's real proven shit that's going down. There's fucking so much heroin there. I mean, it's incredible. The fucking guy who is, and we talked about this last week as well, but just because you guys are here, the president of CIA, his brother,

or the president of Afghanistan, rather, his brother was an employee of the CIA and his brother was a known heroin dealer. His brother was selling heroin and getting paid by the CIA. This is the fucking brother of the president of Afghanistan. If you don't think

that there's something going on, you're crazy. Why would they leave that money? The fact that they're willing to kill people, which we know they are, for money. We know they're willing

to go to war with countries that probably didn't do shit. There's nothing to gain there for America or for freedom or for fucking safety. It's just because there's something there that they want. So now someone else

is in control. Instead of somebody in Afghanistan getting the money we're getting it? Who knows? I don't know. We've got to be partners. We think we're standing over there for free? Yeah. The United States is brilliant. We're over there guarding this shit. Such a big lie that even just talking about it

we sound like idiots. That's the amazing thing about the idea that the government has sold drugs. It's such a big lie. It's so crazy that just bringing it up and you're like, listen to this crazy idiot saying that the government has sold drugs. It's such a big lie. It's so crazy that just bringing it up and you're like, listen to this crazy idiot saying that the government has sold drugs. And I'm not necessarily against selling drugs. I'm not.

I don't think, fuck, you can sell bullets. Why can't you sell drugs? I'm not afraid of you selling bullets. I think you should be allowed to sell bullets. I believe in all that stuff. I think we definitely need law enforcement, need to protect ourselves from people that abuse shit and set up laws and be very strict about shit like that but i'm not for fucking controlling too much shit man so i'm not scared of anybody selling drugs you're a socialist not really you're a socialist it's more libertarian

type i'm a socialist i think all drugs are illegal even the ones i won't do but that's not socialist a socialist is someone that thinks that all the wealth should be evenly distributed as well. You're just a communist. Everybody keeps talking about legalizing drugs. And I think that is the most dangerous fucking thing ever. I couldn't imagine somebody in the car next to me coked up or somebody on heroin. I just couldn't imagine. You say that, but it's been proven in other countries that it actually lowers the addiction rates, lowers the rates of use.

In Portugal, they've had no drug laws in Portugal for a while. They've made everything legal. They've decriminalized everything. And people have been doing it left and right. By the way, that's gone on in Mexico as well. Do they have zoning laws? I don't know. What, you want to build there?

No, I'm saying can they sell drugs right next to a school and stuff? I'm sure they probably have some sort of restrictions. I don't know. I think what decriminalizing means is that it's okay to have it, but you're not supposed to be selling it. Selling it can be criminal, but if you have it, then it's okay. How are you supposed to get it? Well, the idea is that you're not supposed to benefit or profit

from other people being addicted to something that's dangerous. So you could do dangerous things if you want to on your own accord, figure out how to do it. But if you start selling it, that's when you're in trouble, which will make sense to me. Because that's like sort of saying you should have personal freedom, but the other person should not be doing something damaging to society willingly and knowingly. And if you're selling heroin, you're doing something damaging to society willingly and knowingly.

So the idea of you want to be- yeah, you can still get it though. You just don't have to, you just don't sell it. See, look, the beautiful thing about drugs, here's the beautiful thing about drugs. Almost all the good ones people are willing to give you. You know, that's, that's really how it should be. The coolest thing about weed and potheads, the number one thing, is that everyone's so generous. Like potheads are always giving you, here's a cookie, dude, have this breast strip.

You want a joint? Here's this. Dude, smell this. You want some want some it's always like everybody that's part of the whole weed that's why you know hey nobody giving you no coke rocks at 50 a good healthy drug a good healthy drug is distributed positive thing people give you even mushrooms people give you mushrooms you know i've had people come up to me give me mushrooms after shows i've never taken them i don't know what the fuck them. This one dude just gave me mushrooms once in San Francisco and he was this weird creepy dude who just sweat a little bit too much

just thinking probably about me taking these things and dying. Get the fuck out of here, bitch. I ain't taking your crazy mushrooms, you motherfucker. But my point is that any drug good enough to be taken should be free. You can't get enough pot for

free. Why not? You can. Buy the seeds. Buy the seeds. Buy the fucking shit. Grow it. So you gotta grow it yourself. Can you grow heroin yourself? No. It's much more difficult. You'd have to go to another climate. I don't think you can grow heroin in this climate. I think that's one of the things. It's in the mountains. So you're not real good at it then?

I don't know. I bet you grew it in hot tubs. What? Brian. I think you grew it in hot tubs. What? Brian. I think cocaine is that way too. You can't grow cocaine in the United States. It can't be grown here. Is that a mountain thing too?

Because I know that in the mountains they take it. Most people find it very, very useful. The actual leaves like coca leaves are actually healthier

than coffee. And these people just chew the leaves and they're shepherds and out there in the fucking mountains and shit. And they're at such a high altitude, it gives them energy. So it's actually like a beneficial plant. It's like a monster energy drink.

Yeah, it's just when you get... Process it too much? Yeah, you process it and synthesize it and break it down. That's when it's like... It's actually a fucking central nervous system. And then what I understand is the real big problem is what they mix it with, right? Right. And now, especially now,

I watched a thing on 60 Minutes like a year ago, and it's just bad. It's coming into the country in batches and all these people. Last year it was in the Seattle area really bad. Didn't you tell me that you've gotten some that had gasoline in it somehow? Well, it's all clean.

The most important thing is it's not getting out of the country. It's getting the ether alcohol into Columbia to wash it with. When you would get the cocaine with the ether, if anybody watches, that's the cocaine that people dream about. It goes down like bubble gum. You keep snorting it all night because it tastes great. That's rock star cocaine.

That's rock star shit. Then what happened was they couldn't get enough ether, so they started cooking it with gasoline and turpentine. You're snorting this shit that smells like cat piss oh but it's four in the morning you don't give a fuck you know what i'm saying you know the next day your nose is red your nose hairs are disintegrated for the next two generations you know what i'm saying but it's just uh it's just the addiction but the gasoline so what they were doing was you get the gasoline base to make crack

because nobody really cares about taste if you're smoking crack. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So then they get the good shit to sell, the stuff for the ether.

I told you we were talking about this before we started the podcast. I stopped smoking out of pipes because I think when you use a lighter, I taste that shit. I taste that lighter fluid.

That shit's nasty. So think about the gasoline you're snorting. Yeah, when I started using vaporizers and when I started smoking joints, I started realizing this tastes better. This doesn't taste all fucked up. Ideally, I think you should

light a joint with a match. That's probably the way to go. Because even when you light a joint with a cigarette lighter... Is that even good? A match? Yeah, because you've got that... Have you ever heard how you should never light something off a candle? Because supposedly the little micro-c micro candle shit will get into your lungs. Wax.

Really? Yeah. I always wondered if that was a hippie lie. I touched a cigarette to a candle once and the wax got in it. And I still smoked it, but it took so long to smoke. See, that's got to be bad, right? Oh, dude, you smoked some wax. You're fucked.

You wax ass. I smoked wax. But yeah, the problem is you light a joint and that's a whole joint you have lit. Yeah. That's a commitment. Yeah, but. You wax ass. Smoke wax. But yeah, the problem is you light a joint, then that's a whole joint you have lit. Yeah. That's a little commitment. Yeah, but I push it out. I just pinch it out whenever it's done. You know, when I'm done, I just break it off and then you get a roach.

I like it better, man. I think that fucking those pipes are bad for your lungs, man. I think those cigarette lighters, constantly breathing that shit in, I can taste it sometimes. I'm like, that ain't good, man. That's why doctors have to use a vaporizer. I love when you take a nice bud, you cut it with a scissor, nice. You take a paper and a half of that zigzag,

you put that motherfucker together, you air dry it like a doctor, and you flap that motherfucker, put it in there and roll that motherfucker up and let that thing dry. And when you light it, you hear the thing go ch-ch-ch-ch from all the shit burning inside.

And that first two hit, that go, and while you're exhaling you're thinking of fucking twice cooked pork you know what I'm saying that's how you roll I love that that's the original

to me that's there's no better system than that take your bong your vaporizer I'm gonna lift I'm 90 fuck you

there's no better way than a paper and a half yeah like look at this shirt cut that motherfucker down and blast off this shirt the buddy of mine gave me look at this it's a chick rolling a joint yeah very there's like there's a ritual to that there's something like you don't think about it yeah you don't put like lighting a bong something about hopefully that's a chicken not like a feminine man because that would be a feminine man i don't care dude i'll let a lady boy roll my joint i was using a

dollar bill and can't let it roll I ain't scared set the earth man free bitches I'm not scared I am not scared lady boys can roll my joints all day I'll high five those bitches I'll give them hugs I love all that

I'll feel those weird hard tits you ever give a dude who's trying to be a girl a hug and you feel the hard tits they have hard tits what I have not

so sad yeah we had a couple on the band show they a girl a hug and you feel the hard tits they have hard tits what I have not so sad yeah do you like we had a couple on the man show they give you a hug and their tits are hard as a rock

it's like they're punching you in the chest the transvestites sexuals transsexuals when they're actually going through that we had a couple of them

on the man show really cool ones cool ones one of them was fucking cool as shit what was her name Gia is that what it was

I don't know I think it was I forgot what her name is. She was super, super cool. A really fun person. And she was a man that became a woman. She got all snippy, snippy, son, son. I don't know if she had gotten snippy or she was going to get snippy.

Very nice person. Anyway, she was in one of the sketches where Doug gets a hooker and she has to go to the bathroom. And Doug looks in on her while she's in the bathroom and she's standing up and pissing in the toilet. And Doug starts to sober up

and goes, hey, wait a minute. But she really did piss in the toilet standing up. So I guess she does have a dick. But she gives you a hug. Oh, thank you very much. We had a great time.

And when you feel them, when you hug them, it's like... Hard nipples. No, the whole tit. It's like it them, when you hug them, you can, it's like... Hard nipples. No, the whole tit. It's like it's all fake. You know what I mean?

They don't have any breast tissue to work with. Like, if a woman gets breast augmentation, she might have a B cup. She gets it pumped up to a C, and still, it feels like a breast. But for a man, it's really just muscle tissue and a bag of water. You know, it's fucking strange.

I did comedy with one for a year and a half in seattle rita oh with a transsexual transsexual she looked like that fucking thing like doom she had a head and she put a wig on and we send her like we go rita you want a drink and she would give her like a 20 she'd go to the barn and we'd rob her purse she got valium that's rude little pills then she'd come back and we'd eat her pizza and she'd have a woman's voice but when she yelled at us she'd come back, and we'd eat her pizza. And she'd have a woman's voice, but when she yelled at us, she'd go back to her man's voice, put it down. It was fucking amazing. And, you know, she died. She hit her head.

She went out dancing one night. The head was big, the equilibrium. That's a true story. Really? The equilibrium. Her head, they left the head still really fucking big, like a man-sized head. Oh, my God.

How do you trim the head? And she fell off a stage. What? Really? And banged her head. Because her head was too big because her body shrank like a woman's. Yeah, her body shrank up.

So the head was too big. So she was just a big bobblehead? That's why she was taking all those pills. She was taking like Percodans. Because her head was too big for her body? Oh, and she'd fall all the time. Could you imagine if your head was on like a little woman's body?

Forget about it. Forget about it. That's what I'm saying. It'd be a fucking nightmare. That's why I don't want to lose that much more weight. I don't get headaches for a couple days a day. You know what I'm saying? Your fucking body can't support your head. Forget about it. That's what I'm saying. It'd be a fucking nightmare. That's why I don't want to lose that much more weight. I'd get headaches for a couple days. Your fucking body can't support your head. You can't do it. These people lose a bunch of weight

and all of a sudden they got this fucking ginormous head. That's so true. And you're looking at them and they don't understand. That fucking head is huge and Jenny Craig don't got nothing for your fucking head. Nobody got nothing for your head. Ain't nobody got nothing for that fucking man. What happens is your head develops size 400 pounds how about ralphie how about ralphie like ralphie his head alone weighs a

buck and 50 and look at his head it's got away a buck it's fucking giant like my head it's fucking huge that's a weird thing when you gain weight like when weightlifters gain weight too your head gets bigger your fucking shit gets white you should see my helmet you should see the helmet oh my god it's huge i had to order it special i had to go like fucking uf nfl europe only people bunaki new jersey and a part of europe have heads this fucking big you follow me it's funny because uh we were talking about this last night about uh someone in jiu-jitsu class was talking about chicks who are bodybuilders. They get enlarged clitorises because they just take massive amounts of testosterone.

So hard. And their dicks grow. Well, you know, their dicks – What? Yeah, they grow a clit. Their clit actually becomes like a small dick. Pussy boogers. Is it super sensitive?

I don't know. You'd have to ask them. It must be super easy to find. It's like a piece of calamari, that tough shit that they sell like that. Be it Rob, you're getting a calamari Thursday night, the regular cook ain't know. You'd have to ask them. It must be super easy to find, though. It's like a piece of calamari, that tough shit that they sell like that. Be it Rob, you ever get calamari Thursday night, the regular cook ain't there, and it's all tough and shoe leather, you know what I'm saying? It's hard. I've had hard food before.

I've had hard food before. Yeah, vegetarian girls, hard fucking clips and shit. When you go down to the grill and you see a ring there, a little piece of metal, you're like, oh, Jesus, anybody can hang out here. Look, you're letting people fucking staple metal in here here free parking yeah this is fucking this ain't a special place to be you got a clit ring down there hooker not only that what am i gonna do to you i'm gonna damage you you're you're willingly getting metal shoved through your pussy you crazy whore but they um these um these bodybuilders that grow a clit, I don't think they get as big a dose as when they're trying to turn a woman into a man.

Because when they turn a woman into a man, I think they give them massive doses. More even probably than bodybuilders, they're just not lifting weights. And so they grow a penis? Because these bitches grow beards. Oh, whoa. Yeah, they grow beards, man. That's one of the weirdest things about the transsexual female to male. They grow beards, man. They start growing facial hair and about the the transsexual female to male they grow beards man they go facial hair and that's it was it the best part is the end the crazy thing if you think about it come who's gonna

believe me or some dude with a wig and a black eye there's probably a connection with girls that have bigger pussy boners and they have facial hairs, I bet. I bet there's some kind of connection there. Oh, yeah. Well, any facial hair, I think, is probably

related to that. You see, like, a really brawny-looking woman. There's some women, especially when they get older, that's the other thing about women. When they get older, their body produces

more testosterone. And guys are the exact opposite. They start producing more estrogen. Less. Yeah, it's more estrogen. I think it's probably because the women

have to fight for their fucking life once in the old days they became useless when they couldn't have children anymore don't women take pills once they hit men some women do yeah there's a lot of controversy with that though why oh you're fucking with the balance of hormones and you know it's it has to be done right you got to test your blood all the time it's it's very tricky yeah you know a lot of people just want to take pills and everything's going to be groovy you know i don't know man i think eventually what they're going to figure out how to do is keep all your hormone levels exactly the same for the rest of your life then it's going to be weird so then we get to find out like what

makes your body deteriorate is it hormones is it genetics is it you know just some stuff inside your your genome and it starts to fail? How much can we stop that? In our lifetime, we might see people live to be 150, 200 years old. In our lifetime. This might be the first lifetime. Look at Sylvester Stallone. I keep an eye on that motherfucker. Would you stop with Sylvester Stallone?

He's my canary in a coal mine. I'm obsessed with that dude. That guy's Captain Plastic Surgery. 64 years old. He's swolled like a motherfucker. I know, but he's cutting shit out and shooting stuff in. Some way you got to pay for that. I know.

I'm sure. I just want to see how long you live. Just see when and how. This is fascinating to me. I got a question for you. Okay. Let's say you're abroad and you want to become a man. Yeah.

And they give you all this testosterone. Do you grow a helmet or they take a helmet and stick? Come on. No, you grow a dick. Wait, it just becomes one? The clit, yes. The clit is very similar. It's very related to a dick. Wait, it just becomes one? The clit, yes. The clit is very similar. It's very related to a penis.

And as your clitoris gets engorged with testosterone, as your body becomes engorged with testosterone, they're shooting it. Like, I'm guessing it has to be big numbers. Because they had like Private Dicks. It was a show, I think it was called, on HBO. It was all about dicks. And they had this one woman who was a woman

who was turning into a man. And she said that her dick is about the size of a thumb, which is bigger than any like bodybuilder girl clit I've ever seen on the internet. Size of a thumb. A thumb.

That's what she said. And she says it gets rock hard. It was fascinating too to hear her talk about how she thought she knew what it was like to be a man until they started shooting her

up with testosterone. And she's like, wow. You know, one of the things she was talking about was when you have a raging hard-on, like how little in control you really are. She goes, I had no idea. She goes, I had no idea. But when you, they interviewed her and they were talking about, you know. She got a boner and was just like, wow.

Yeah, because your clit gets hard and how obsessive she was with just fucking. She's, you know, primal. And she was talking about how a guy with a raging hard-on is just not gonna listen like they they just want to fuck you know that it's like it's like it takes over like certain areas of your brain she didn't know like really you could have taken over like that it's a very interesting thing you know i wouldn't want to be a woman but i would fucking it would if we could like switch if you could like enter into a woman's brain for a few hours and wander around and see what it's like, you know, say, all right, it's like, you know, you're gonna do mushrooms for a few hours or I'm gonna take a pill and I'm gonna be a woman for a few hours. I'm gonna feel what that feels like.

That's got to be so strange. Their balance, their whole balance of life is so different than ours. Everything about it. And I think it takes us until, like, we're, like, much, much, much older until you date a bunch of different chicks, until you, you know, you see a bunch of different old women who are kind of cool and, you know, you try to get together, like, a kind of sense of what it is to be a woman. They're, like, a totally different species than us, man. They're a totally different species that we live side to side with, you know? We don't have a fucking clue as to how they feel. And they don't have a fucking clue as to how we feel.

But we want to fuck them. And because of that, they want us to be a certain certain way and that's one of the problems in this country one of the problems in this country is it's difficult to get laid and a lot of guys decide to change who they are because they want a woman to like them that's the pussification of america a big part of it is doing what the chick wants to do because you want to fuck yeah and they don't know what you're like they don't really understand what it is to be you they have no idea like sometimes i'll get upset at something why my wife just doesn't understand i'm like you don't understand because you're not a dude okay if you're a dude you don't understand and i understand i don't understand shoes and i don't understand bags the best is that like an alternative comedy party when you're talking

to a girl and you're like arguing or something yeah just in a normal way and some one of the little nerds comes up like hey man shouldn't talk to girls that way and it's like oh do you don't realize i'm gonna have sex with her later yeah and you're you're posturing you're a cocksucker you're trying to be the good guy side based on nothing you don't even know what you're talking about that is the weakest shit ever i almost got in a fist fight with a guy in manhattan who was a bartender around the oj trial you know this guy was the most self-righteous cunt i think about that guy still to this day. And all he was trying to do was impress the waitress, man. I was talking to the waitress and something came up about the OJ trial, right? And she said, you know, well, OJ, you know, did that and he beat the shit out of his

wife. And I said, well, not necessarily. I go, I don't know exactly what he did to his wife, but they might've been like physical with each other. Like I've had relations, I've had friends who've had relationships where they, their wife would hit them and they would fight back. He would have to defend her and then the cops would come and then he would get arrested with assault and battery. I've known people where that's happened. Well, I said that and all I said was, well, all we know is that there was some sort of restraining order. And so the fucking bartender goes, that's exactly right. That's what you heard and that's what it is.

And the only way you get that one is if you abuse women. And I was like, oh, God, are you fucking kidding me? I go, dude, well, all I'm saying is you weren't there. And I'm pretty sure he probably killed his wife. But I don't know. You don't know either, man. You weren't there. Do you really know all this?

Like while the case was going on, while the trial was going on, before he was convicted. This guy was like ready to fight me out of nowhere because he wanted to impress this girl with how much he supports women and how much he, like, defends women. It's so cheesy because they can't... So cheesy. Nobody can sell it.

Don't do it, guys, at home. This guy pointed at me and yelled at me. I still remember him to this day. I still remember him to this day because I'm like, this is absurd. Like, this is the most ridiculous... Like, I don't know you. I you i don't know you you don't know me i'm a nice guy and all of a sudden you're yelling at me because you think that i support some guy beating the fuck out of his wife like wow and all just to try to be captain here yeah he's trying to take push you into a corner where it's like i am not with this at all i'm

against this you're like i wasn't even saying I'm for it. Exactly. He's looking for a fight because, why? Because I was a comic and I was talking to the waitress and he was a bartender and he probably wishes he was a comic but can't really pull it off. Maybe he's acts and maybe models or whatever he was. He's just some New York douchebag who just wanted to be like Captain

Liberal Save-A-Ho and jump in and look like a fucking superhero. But the point is, that shit only exists because we don't understand each other. Oh. If you could understand what it's like to be a chick, man, you would go, oh, all right. If they could understand what it's like to be us, they would just kind of recognize, like my dog. I don't try to stop my dog from licking his balls because that's what he does. Okay?

If it was my son and he's fingering his asshole and sucking on his fingers. I'd be like, hey, what the fuck, dude? This is crazy. You got to go to a doctor. But it's a dog. I don't understand dogs, man. I just let it go. And when girls get super dramatic over nothing,

you're like, yeah, that's who you are. I just go, whatever. I just tell you I love you. Give me a hug. Okay, I'm going to go watch TV. Let's not get crazy. I'm always going to be me. You're always going to be you. Let's just figure this shit out.

You can't try to change me, though know how many dudes have you ever talked to where they say i like to do that but my wife doesn't let me anymore what your wife wants you to be a bitch your wife wants you to be something it's not even you yeah i can't go to jiu-jitsu anymore my wife doesn't let me like what are you talking about you can't go to jiu-jitsu because your wife doesn't let you what kind of a relationship do you have with your keeper some weird person it's always weird when you hear that yeah what does she do she gives you pussy and so you you you don't do your favorite things in life and your hobbies that's nonsense what kind of a person would want you to could you imagine saying to a chick hey i don't want you

doing yoga anymore i think it's bullshit the yoga's for fucking idiots why what was the reason for not letting the guy do jiu-jitsu she didn't like him getting involved in like fighting and being around all those guys and you know she's yeah she just thought that they had like bad attitudes and they were you know rough men yeah she didn't want him being around rough men if she was like you hurt yourself you're gonna hurt yourself again or you can't do this i don't know what it was man but she put the kibosh on it and you know you meet the, and he's such a shell of a man, hanging around with this woman who he probably doesn't even like to fuck anymore. And she won't let him go to jiu-jitsu.

I got to run it past my wife. Let me get back to you, because I got to run it past my wife. I had a guy in Dallas. He was one of these guys who would say something to you and do like that. He goes, well, I'd like to do some weed but my wife won't let me I'd like to do some weed and he was a pointer

one of those dudes you met one of those guys hey man I'm with you I'm with you buddy he would always point and say shit but I'll never forget that dude

my wife won't let me that's how I got my vaporizer Don Carlos owns a taco shop down there he goes I'm getting married she doesn't want me to whoa she said I got my vaporizer. Don Carlos owns a taco shop down there. He goes, I'm getting married. She doesn't want me to. Whoa. She said only edibles.

I was like, that's weird. That's just so weird. That's hilarious. My wife gets weird. She hasn't been able to smoke weed in a long time because of the babies. Because she basically went from one baby to the next. And the one's two and a half years old. And she was breastfeeding for a year.

And then right after that, she was pregnant again with another one. So she hasn't had any weed in any of that time yeah so like you know like there's like little things that she'll say she'll come home does it smell like weed is that what i smell i'm like yeah yeah you know i was doing a podcast i smoke constantly the fuck question is that don't you try to pretend i'm somebody i'm not because they want they want you to be you know hi honey i'm home i've got my briefcase and let me take off my loafers and it's also where are the children bring them around and she can't smoke so she feels bad yeah well no it's not that she feels bad no no no it's this nesting

baby protection she just doesn't want me to go crazy she doesn't want me to be a crazy person and wind up doing drugs i'm going to the amazon i'll be back in three months you know if you have some person like me think about how irresponsible i am how fucking crazy i am and i am the father of your children okay i'm i'm your your you know i'm their daddy so i'm the one who has to be around and provide and keep a stable life and raise them correctly and they're already swearing really swearing the little one two and a half she said'd she say? She said shit all the time. Wow. Like the other day, I got a balloon for her, man. I was so pissed. And I got it at the supermarket.

She was so excited. It was a princess balloon. It had all these princesses on it. And it was attached to a string. And I pulled it out of the trunk. And the string unraveled. And it flew away. It was a helium balloon.

And I go, damn it. And she goes, damn it. Damn it. She immediately does what I do. She's two and a half. And the other day, she was trying to get into this bouncy thing that her little sister has, one of those little things you get in. It's on springs.

And she can't get in. So she's got one foot in it. She's going, shit. Shit. Nice. When you watch this two and a half year old go, shit. I'm just glad it wasn't a balloon knot joke. Yeah.

What did your wife say? She just looks at me. And I'm like, what the fuck? That's what you're supposed to say. What did your wife say? Your foot gets stuck. That's what you're supposed to say. She was, you know, she doesn't want me to swear around the kids.

It's not a good idea to swear around them. No, no, no, no. I mean, I don't. I don't. I really try to keep. Because I don't want them to have trouble with other kids. Did your parents swear in front of you? Oh, yeah.

Those fucking. Mine too. Mine. Not only did mine swear in front of me, they never stopped me from swearing. Never. Me neither. No. Like when people, I would go over people's houses and shit.

I would go over kids' houses. Their parents would snap and I'd go, how come I'm allowed to curse in my house? Yeah. Oh, dude, I would curse over people's houses and their parents would not want them hanging out with me. I was never allowed to curse. Really? Yeah.

If kids curse like you guys, yeah, they wouldn't be allowed in my house. I was raised like a wolf i was like left in the woods my parents were fucking i don't remember one piece of advice from my childhood not one not one and everyone was always allowed to swear you know my my my step father was a big hippie and so because of that like you know he didn't like to put like borders and boundaries on shit so we'd go over people's houses i'm like this fucking show what are you watching this for and the parents would look at me and the mom would look at me.

They'd have me over for cookies and shit and hang out with this kid. I would swear right in front of their parents. I just wouldn't even think twice about it. I'd be like, what kind of fucking show is this? I had a rabbi pull me aside once because he used the word suck. That show sucks. He was like, what? Come here.

I need to have a talk. It's like, why do you say things like that? I'm like, I don't, I didn't realize it was a bad thing. It sucks. Because what do you think that comes from? I'm like, I don't know. Sucks?

What do you mean? Yeah. Sucks what? I'm like, I don't know what you're talking about. It's crazy. It's crazy. We got a lava lamp in here.

We smoked and joined exactly an hour ago. So right now it's in full steam. I're going to eat us. We got a lava lamp in here. Oh. We smoked a joint exactly an hour ago. So right now it's in full steam. I remember going to some Cuban people's houses. Lourdes Nunez. Nice, nice Cuban people. Lourdes Ramos. Nice, decent. You walk in, cross up there, and the mother was fucking banging.

Really? I was like in the sixth grade. The mother was banging. And as we were leaving, I turned to Lourdes Ramos' mother. I go, hey, you should get dressed up. Maybe you should go out and get a little fucking pop. Dog, the next day, Lordis came in, she goes, you're not allowed out of my

fucking block. Nobody has ever talked to my mom like that. Not even her husband. Her husband died. And I told her, mom, you're looking fucking good. I was like in the sixth grade. So you just didn't know you weren't allowed to say something? No, my mom, you know. So for you, it was just being complimentary yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know as i was growing up my mom used to always say compliment women right let them know how beautiful

they look like i remember one time what did she say to you though how did she react with the mother yeah she was frozen so sixth grade is what how old is that 13 12 12 11 we were over there to go like we want to go to a play 11. We were over there to go. We were going to go to a play. We all went over there. Right. And I'm looking at the mom the whole time. This Cuban bitch is banged.

I didn't even have hair on my cock. I just had the dick without the hair. But you're already getting hard odds. How do you remember whether or not you got it? Because you're waking up with that hard dick. I didn't get hair. I don't even have hair on my legs. I'm one of those people. So I didn't get hair until I was like 15.

I'm going to have gorilla, but I didn't have hair until I was 15. That's weird that you don't even have hair on my legs. I'm one of those people. So I didn't get hair. I was like 15. I'm a half gorilla, but I didn't have hair until I was 15. That's weird that you don't have much hair. People would think maybe you shave your arms, but you don't. You just don't have hair. I didn't have hair on my dick. I didn't take a shower with boys until I was like 15. I'd be the one in the corner with a towel on. I had no hair.

Wow. No hair. So I had no hair, but I'd get so horned out. And I told her this once. I said, you're banging, bitch. You should get dressed up and get some dick. This lady looked at me and froze. Did you actually say dick?

I said, bingo. Fuck yeah. Really? Fuck yeah. Did you say it in Spanish? Yeah, I said it in Spanish. Tell me how you would say it to her in Spanish. Oye, tu tantera, ¿sabe?

That means that you're looking good. Don't tell me what it says. Just say it in full sense. Oye, tu tantera. Tu tiene que haber tita. Sali. Ucat una cabia. Cabia is like slang word for pinga.

Pinga is like modest. Cabia, I'm taking you over the top. It's like jerking off knuckle out. You know what I'm saying? That's like cabia. This lady was like a Catholic Cuban. I blew her fucking helmet right off with that. That's hilarious.

But in my house. Where's his helmet? What was crazy was in my house growing up, my mom and her girlfriends would talk about that crazy shit about eating pussy. Really? Your mom and her girlfriends

would talk about eating pussy around you? They would play cards on Tuesday nights and talk about eating pussy. Talk about eating pussy and when you get older, let me see your tongue.

Go like that with your tongue and I would show my tongue. Get the fuck out of here. When I was a kid, my mom on Tuesday nights, they'd get fucked up, and they'd make me dance with, like, tighty-whities on for a bunch of women, and they'd put on L.A. Woman by the doors, and I'd shake my hips, and my mom would say, dale jamon, which

means give them ham. You know, when you go like this and make your dick go back and forth. Give them ham? Yeah, that means give them jamon. That's an expression. I'm like, wait a minute. Give them jamon, right? So when you, you wear no underwear, I guess.

No, I had underwear on. You were slapping your dick back and forth. I was like five and six. Your mom is asking you to slap your dick back and forth. Give him ham. Like, give him ham. Oh, my God. And then they would all give me booze, and I'd pass out, and I'd wake up the next morning.

Get the fuck out of here. Fuck yeah. My mom was the shit like that. Oh, my God. That photo that you had on your MySpace page of you when you were real young dancing. Where is that photo? I have it at the house. Is it on your MySpace page still?

I think it's on MySpace. I've got to save that. I don't have that picture. It's a great picture. That's a great picture. That's you. It's so funny because even though I can see that's like, what are you, like 10 in the picture? Yeah, 10, 12.

I can see it's you. I see your personality. I see the whole thing. You as a kid. suit right in a suit yeah and the funny thing was the rest of that i'm i'm making out with a girl at my 12th birthday my mom had a friend they were puerto ricans and they used to try to always hook us up and shit i already didn't even get laid till he was like 24 no no they made us take pictures like this 12 they made us take pictures like this but i had already like eating a pussy and shit and fucked her before that. Because we used to sleep over at her house when we were kids. And she had hair on her pussy, tons of hair.

Oh, how old? She had to be a year or two older than me. And our parents kept trying to hook us up. So when we got older, we'd fall in love. So on the weekends, I'd sleep on the couch, and she'd sleep in the bedroom, and I'd go in there. They lived in the Bronx. And she'd show me her pussy, and I'd eat her pussy. in the Bronx and she'd show me her pussy and I'd eat her pussy

and the next day I'd touch her stomach because I thought she was pregnant I would always think I got her pregnant that's how fucking crazy I was when I was that young

her name was Yvette Rivera would you just come inside her if you're out there Facebook me you dirty freak Facebook me because if you were sucking dick at 12

you're an animal now you know what I'm saying you got a fang with fucking metals on it you dirty whore she's probably done blowing you at 12 you're an animal now you know what i'm saying you got a fang with fucking medals on it you dirty horse probably done blowing you at 12 she didn't blow me at 12 she let me eat her pussy and i think i remember like fucking her but then i would just pass out because when you're at 12 and you're fucking your central nervous system just gives out you just tap out you hear shit but you don't know what's happening are you okay yeah that's what it's like a And they ask you, are you okay? Yeah, that's what it's like, a Doors movie.

They ask you, are you okay? Yeah, I'm okay. You don't know fucking nothing. My sister caught me once with my pants around my ankles, face down on the bed, and the swimsuit issue, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, right above my head, just out, passed out, ass out. Just beat off.

And she came in and we're like, oh. How old were you the first time you got some pussy? Actual pussy? I think I was like 15. I had some fooling around. The weirdest thing was when I was 13 there was this chick who was 21. She was a grown woman, man. A grown woman. And she used to play

softball with us. This is when I lived in Jamaica Plain. Jamaica Plain is a sketchy area of Boston. It's a lot of real poor people, and people are fucking nuts. And this broad, her name was Jeanette. She had this boyfriend who was a construction worker. And she was 21, man. She was a hot little piece of ass. And her construction worker boyfriend was a man.

He was a hairy-chested, big fucking man. And I would see this guy, and the guy would be working. And I would think, well, if this, this, if this is her boyfriend, you know, that's a boyfriend. Like, you know, there's no way she'd be interested in me, a 13 year old boy. Like, this is ridiculous. I'm like a little child. Well, it was coming home from fucking playing softball. Somehow or another, we all wound up because we all would hang out on this one street that I lived on. You know, it was like a real neighborhood. You know, people would play stickball on the street and people would run around and play hide and go seek and all kinds of crazy shit. A lot of young kids

lived in this one area. And it was pretty nuts. She invites me over. You want to listen to some Pink Floyd? Okay. So we're listening to Comfortably Numb and all of a sudden she starts making out with me. Like, I had never kissed a girl before. Ever. So I went from no nothing, no never, ever

anywhere to all of a sudden this 21 year old is sucking my tongue and she's grabbing my dick and i'm like whoa and i totally could not get it up not even a little bit nervous total panic total like what is happening why is this woman kissing me like what is going on and then we fooled around like a bunch of times more after that but it was never yeah it was never like sex. I never fucked her. She'd always just jerk my dick off and shit. So it wasn't until I was like, I think I was 15.

My girlfriend was 14. It was crazy to think that people fuck at 14. But she wasn't even a virgin. Wow. Yeah, she had fucked some other guy. That's amazing. And she didn't want to admit it. She would be like, well, we kind of did it, sort of, but not really.

Here's my rule. Girls always do that. Sort of. Didn't count. Didn't count. And I'm like, if a stranger did it to you, would you count that as rape? Yeah, right. Good point.

Then that shit counts. So rape is just going on, just sticking it in for half a stroke and leaving. Said, no, I didn't do it. Well, this girl, I think she might have fucked my friend, too. The first girl I had sex with. I think she might have fucked my friend. Because she definitely first girl I had sex with. I think she might have fucked my friend. Because she definitely made out with him. Because she was with him first.

And back then, people were like, oh, I don't like Bob anymore. I like Mike. Wendy's a bitch. I'm tired of Wendy. I'm into this girl. People would go back and forth. You didn't know what the fuck you were doing. You were playing relationship.

The first relationships that I ever had, you didn't know what the fuck to do. You didn't know how to behave around them the whole thing was weird like to get them stuff you don't know why or when right and all i wanted to do once we started fucking was fuck constantly constantly five times a day just just fuck everywhere i didn't do anything else i stopped working out i stopped playing sports i stopped doing everything for months it took like i had to go back to my taekwondo instructor he was yelling at me he was like where have you been I got left back pussy taught me I'm so bad you got left back in the sixth grade study Wow that's how good that pussy was it's totally I

went to summer school and then tap out on summer school you can only miss three times I couldn't take it I get up in the morning my head would be ready to fucking explode I'd watch her mother. I would stalk the mother. Really? As soon as I'd see the mother's car go around fucking Charles Court. You'd run in there. Like fucking Batman after a fucking.

My first girlfriend, the problem was my first girlfriend was hot. She was hot and she was a freak. And there's some girls that are like 14 and 15 and they look like women. And this girl looked, she looked like women. She dressed in little miniskirts and high heels and shit. She was a dirty bitch. She came from a single-family household. And those girls, like a single parent,

if you live with just your mom, girls who just live with their mom, a lot of them, it seems, they grow up with some sort of an extra need for male attention. Extra need for male acceptance and validation. validation ain't nobody home at 3 o'clock yeah this girl just had to go five just tore that ass up she just wanted to suck cock and fuck all the time she was a freak she was wrong would

you listen she'd like to suck my dick in movie theaters like anything really would you fuck the fuck oh and mostly it was like. White Snake and shit. Yeah. Oh, Here I Go Again. Oh, yeah. Here I go again. Put it on again, bitch. It's actually the Def Leppard days, I think. I was into Def Leppard back then. Pour some sugar on me.

Yeah, maybe pour some sugar on me or something. All right, yeah. But this girlfriend was a cool girl. You know, she was the first girl. Her name was Bethany. She was the first girl that I ever listened to Richard Pryor tapes with. We would sit in my bedroom and giggle, listening to these tapes. It was crazy, man.

It was like, that was the first person that was like not a dude, that was like my friend, you know? And we just would bang all the time, like constantly. It was like this person that you like that's not a guy, and it's a girl. And then all of a sudden,

a girl was in your life all the time. Like your whole life, there's been no girls in your life. Like I had no girlfriends. I might have had, like, one or two along the way. It was, like, girls that were nice that I went to school with, that I would, you know, talk to or hang out with after school. But, you know, for the most part, it's a bunch of dudes in my life.

Then all of a sudden, there's some girl, and you're just fucking. So you go from no sex at all to all of a sudden just fucking constantly. With impunity whenever you want it. Just fucking savagery, man. Those hormones, man. When people don't understand the concept of 16-year-old dick, you are on a drug, man. That's a heavy, super powerful, super addictive drug.

That's physically when you're supposed to breed. Yeah. Yeah, you should be making a baby right then. For sure, I was trying to make a baby. Got so lucky, man. Got so lucky. Woo! Yeah, when you're that age age You get super fucking horny

Oh my god That's all you have on your mind You know what I'm saying Red Band Red Band sitting over there Silent over there In the corner like fucking He's reminiscing He's over there like

Precious his father Brian shot about 150 loads this week He's feeling kind of tired Look at him I knew it He's back Brian's back Between masturbation And all the sex you've been having, you freak.

Ryan's in the... I know he looked bad, but... What sex, guys? Come on. What are you saying? Why... You sound like the Apollo 11 astronauts in the post-flight press conference. I spent the last two days in bed.

Yeah. Me too. Fucking 48 hours. Yeah, shooting loads. 40 hours straight. Yeah, you've been in bed with an IV attached to the bed to keep you rehydrated from all the fucking milky white loads you shoot I was just drank too much Friday like so much that I couldn't get out of bed for today It's there Sunday Monday Friday and Saturday

Narnia Actually my friends a manager at BevMo. That's okay. love about wine. Narnia. Narnia. Actually, my friend's a manager at BevMo. Nobody gets drunk like you. Huh? Nobody gets drunk like you. You get drunk. Who else gets drunk like you? I think people get drunk just like me, but not when they're 36.

Right. You know, like when you're 18, they're definitely drinking more than me. The saddest thing, I was in Vegas and I was sober, and I ran into this chick that I know used to be a ring card girl and she was super, super drunk. Yeah, sloppy. It's a weird thing when you're sober and someone else is not. You're like, hey, how you doing? How are you? And they're just like.

Yeah, by the way, if you see people outside of a Pink Floyd concert that you know, please don't assume that they're just fine. Yeah. You know, don't just, hey, man, I haven't seen you in a while. Just fucking say hi and walk away. Get the fuck going. Yeah. No. Please.

What happened? People say hi, but it's like, I can't talk to you right now. Oh, right, right. I'm supposed to be cool? I thought you ran into somebody. No. I don't want to give you a fucking earbeat. Yeah.

It's a very embarrassing thing when you're intoxicated and the other person isn't. Yeah, you feel like an asshole. I feel like such a loser. Whether I'm drunk or whether I'm stoned, I always feel like a real idiot. If I'm drunk or coked up,

I feel like an idiot. Yeah. If I'm stoned, I feel bad for the other person. Fuck you. If it's two in the afternoon and you ain't high, go fuck yourself.

Get out of my face. I want you around me like I want cancer in my ball sack. You know what I'm saying? You're going to come around here looking at me with your fucking white eyes thinking that I'm going to reform. Go fuck yourself. My morning starts at

5.30 a.m. Either you're there or you're square. You know what I'm saying? It's true. That's my new signature on the Rogan board. If it's two in the afternoon and you ain't high, go fuck yourself. Shame on you, bitch. You're slipping. You you're slipping even if you have a fucking day unless no no no no i want to give a shout out to the american people out there that work i have to get piss test you people gotta i'm writing about that i'm writing a bit about you guys i really do respect you guys i see people

they come up to me so they're like great to see you and they like talk to me about weed and i ask them if you want to smoke and they look at me with this pain in their soul yeah i can't but i understand your pain so you guys don't listen to this shit i love you the other fucking republicans and democrats that walk around all day i don't get high till after work go fuck yourself lunchtime is i don't mind you want to go to nine and feel the fucking atmosphere and see what's going on you don't want to run in there high into an emergency, you know what I'm saying? Into a 4-11. But at 12 o'clock, when you slip out for lunch, you've got to come with the kit.

Vizine, Lifesavers, cologne. Come with the kit. Yeah, a one-hitter. You've got to get that orange spray. Yeah. You've got to get that orange spray. And you do two hits of the pipe, and I don't give a fuck what you do. This shit right here is the best weed-killing spray.

Did I ever tell you about that spray? What is it called? Orange what? Orange Chronic. Chronic? Yeah, did I ever tell you about that spray what is it called orange what orange chronic chronic did I ever tell you about that spray I got too high one time and I got

you know the part where you're like panic attacky and I was dating Katie at the time and I'm like Katie I think I need you guys

to call the ambulance I'm too stoned my heart's pounding too hard she goes you're fine you're fine you're just stoned I'm like no please

call the ambulance and so they were coming over and I had a big bottle of that and my house smelled like weed so I sprayed the whole bottle because I was so scared. You called the ambulance to the house too? Yeah. How many times? I thought it was like a payment plan with the hospital. How many times have you called

the ambulance, bro? This is two that I know of. Let me finish this story because I don't want to be Guami. Guami? Ralphie Mae, Guam. So I spray a whole bottle because I'm so stoned and paranoid. I didn't want to get in trouble. And so they come in here and they're like, you're fine.

Your heart's a little racing, whatever. You're fine. You're probably fucked up from all this orange spray because it was so strong that they had to put masks on because it was too strong. And I was too stoned to realize that. Dude, I can't believe you've called hospitals twice. You've called an ambulance because you were too high.

Get a ride. I mean, there's a big thing. Like, when I was a kid, I had to take stress tests. I had this thing where I would run around and black out for no reason and doctors have no idea why.

What? And so I used to have to do... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Explain that. What happened? So, like, all right.- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Explain that. What happened? So like, all right, it used to happen like maybe four times when I was a kid. One time when I was running through the snow, I black out, I wake up, and I'm laying on the ground.

Second time I'm riding my bike, I fall off my bike for no reason, I blacked out. And there was like a couple of different times like that. So they used to make me do these- You just blacked out while you were riding a bike? Yeah. So they didn't know why. So they made me do the stress test where they put these things all over your body and you had to run this treadmill for like an hour or something like that. Oh, cool. Like in the movies.

Yeah. And they said, hey, we have no idea what's wrong with you. Then I would black out again and all this shit happened. But then it just stopped happening. And the only time it happens now is like – When you jerk off. No, no. You know when you're drunk and you wake up real quick to go to the bathroom and you start going, okay, I stood up too quick.

Yeah, I get that all the time. Yeah, yeah. Low blood pressure for me. Low blood pressure. That's just being hammered. Well, it happens more when you're drunk because of your blood pressure. The pot accentuates it. Yeah.

So anyways, I think when I was a kid, that used to always happen all the time. And so then I was extra paranoid with my heart, like just freaks out all the time. Like they said that my heart, extra, I used to tell people I have a baboon heart. That freaks out all the time like they said that my heart uh extra not used to tell people i have a yeah i have a baboon heart that's what i tell the ladies i have a baboon heart that's what i tell the girls you should do a lot of cardio then huh shouldn't you like have a healthy strong heart or the exact opposite yeah how does that work i don't want to use my heart at all you know is that the case though what do they tell you what doctors they they have no idea whatever they never found out what happened oh yeah and but now it doesn't happen it's not like i'm blacking out anywhere you know

so good right but that's why i think in the past you know i get really big my heart starts going crazy a little bit different than maybe wow okay so it's so freaky that you think that you might be having a heart attack right because when i was a kid, ever since I was like eight, I've had fucked up shit. His mind's playing tricks on him at this point. So you should know that it's not a heart attack. I feel like I want to give you a hug. I feel like you're a little kid that needs a hug.

You grew up with a heart attack. It's psychological now. It's like his mind's playing tricks on me. I've seen somebody pass out from weed. I did. We were in New York.

We were filming Fear Factor and there was a bunch of people from the crew. We were all hanging out and there was this nice lady from production and we all had a beer or two and we're all of people from the crew. We're all hanging out. And there was this nice lady from production. And we all had a beer or two and we're all out there in the street.

So I go, you guys want to get high? And they look at me like, what do you got? What do you got? I go, I got a joint. I go, I got some real shit. You want to get high? And they're like, okay, let's do it. They're like, oh, it's being crazy.

Like, I can't believe we're doing this. You know, they just weren't the type of people to get high. We're going to smoke on the street. Oh my God. If they do, they don't get high a lot. You know, they might do it every now and then at a party or so and so i uh i pass this joint around and they take like two hits each you know which you don't realize if you if you get a lot for that medical california medical grade weed is that's like an alien

organism that takes over your entire body and transports you to a nearby i started smoking with you guys it was like half a hit was so much do you remember mcguire remember mcguire freaked out at the comedy store and was absolutely convinced that someone dosed the weed brian got convinced of that he was like this guy he's like pete you're like oh he must have done something to that weed like i smoked it too he nobody did anything to that weed some other guy that guy that was from texas and i smoked that joint too so i i you know we had to tell muire, no, it's just really good weed. There's no way. He goes, weed isn't this strong.

Just don't wait. I'm telling you, man. I'm telling you, man. I think there's a problem. I think there's a real genuine problem. He was like really freaking out because he doesn't get high. And Chris, he's a small guy. So he was smoking with Joey and me.

And we're hitting that weed. And whoo, two, three hits if you're a real rookie. So this chick, we're all out. We're all passing joints around. They're all freely. You want another one? You sure? All right, get in there.

Look at you. Second hit. Her eyes roll back in her head, and she just collapses right there on the fucking sidewalk, man, and almost cracked her head off a pole. We had to catch her. We were right there, luckily. As soon as her legs gave out, I thought she was kidding. I thought she was like, whoa, this weed's so strong. But no, her eyes rolled behind her head and she went unconscious. Like what

is it about your body that wants you to shut off? Like what kind of a lack of self-preservation does your body have? Like think about that shit. You get hit, you get hurt, your body wants to shut off. You smoke some weed, you get too high, your body wants to shut off you take a you smoke some weed you get too high your body wants i think your body's just not used to it's like if you went back in time and saw yourself like you know when michael j fox went back and saw himself and they both fainted and freaked out you know your mind just shuts off because it's too much shock it's like bam you're you know you just the first time you take heroin you everybody you barf i think well i don't buy that because you're you're selling saying that you never blacked out when you're on acid and

acid sounds way crazier than that. If anything should make you black out, it's that. No, you won't black out. Maybe it's the smoke. I think you're too awake with the acid. You can't sleep for 12 hours on acid. The last thing you want to do is sleep. Right, but that's what I'm saying.

But it's an insane experience, right? It's like so overwhelming. No, because every time I blacked out, it was out of the blue. I was just riding my bike. Bam. I was just running in the snow. Well, you had a weird condition. What I'm talking about is like smoking weed or drinking or something like that.

Or even getting hit. Like, what a weird thing it is that if you get hit and hurt, your body wants to just shut off. How's that going to help you? Exactly. It's going to make you feel less pain as this animal's eating you. Right. Yeah, absolutely. Wow.

As this animal's eating you. As you're getting crushed. I fainted two weeks ago. Deer's always going to accept the death. Really? Yeah. You see them. They you're getting crushed. I fainted two weeks ago. Deer's always going to accept the death. Really? Yeah, you see them, they run, they run, they kick, and then they just lie there.

You know, that's how Native Americans used to catch deer. What? Before they invented spears and even bows and arrows, they would run after them until the deer would give up and die. Wow.

Yeah, they still do it in some parts of Africa. It's like some sort of a... That's what I do with bitches, Joe. Just run after them. It's like some sort of a... That's what I do with bitches, Joe. I just run after them. That's my dog! That's why they're all wearing high heels and skirts. You can't maneuver with that

kind of outfit on, ho. They do it in some parts of Africa. It's like a rite of passage. You go after an antelope and fucking run that bitch down until the thing dies of fatigue. And then they stab it. Wow. Yeah, they run with a knife. Carry it back.

Yeah, and then when the thing gives up, then they just go over it and fucking stab in the heart and that's a wrap. It just gives up. It can't run anymore. Do you think in Africa, is it Africa that has so much AIDS, right?

Like most people have AIDS. So much AIDS. It's like 75% of the people. The way you said it though is like they have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yeah, yeah, but it's like 75% AIDS there or something like that, right. It's like 75% of the people. The way you said it, though, it's like they have the most Kentucky Fried Chicken. Yeah, yeah. But it's like 75% AIDS there or something like that, right?

It's crazy big. Well, I don't know what it is, but there's a lot of AIDS. So if you didn't have AIDS, you would have the AIDS, right? Except that no one dies from not having AIDS. Like 75% of the people had AIDS.

That's like the norm. So if you don't have AIDS, you have the AIDS. So people are looking out the window and go, look at him. He wears protection. You know like would it be backwards world in Africa well there's a lot of debate when it comes to AIDS in Africa and the debate a lot of it is on what is how do you define AIDS do you define AIDS by someone who has a wrecked immune system

and what is that immune system wrecked from can't you just look at the music library is it actually wrecked from HIV is it wrecked from other diseases or is it wrecked from? Can't you just look at the music library? Is it actually wrecked from HIV? Is it wrecked from other diseases? Or is it wrecked from massive malnutrition? These people are really in terrible environments as far as clean water and food and nutrition. There's a lot of people that are dying of all sorts of crazy shit, and I think a lot of it gets lumped in as AIDS.

I think there's a lot of issues. So it's not just HIV. And HIV is certainly an issue in Africa. I mean, there's an insane amount of people have it. And on top of that, one of the ways they try to cure it is they try to kill albinos. And they do witchcraft and shit with albinos. Fuck a virgin.

And fuck virgins, yeah. Fuck a virgin, you get rid of your AIDS. But those virgins have AIDS. They believe that, yeah, you can get rid of... Yeah, so do a rape in 12-year-olds. It's like, I gotta find a virgin. you get rid of your AIDS. But the virgins have AIDS. They believe that, yeah, you can get rid of... Yeah, so if you go rape a 12-year-old, they're just like, I gotta find a virgin. I mean, we talk about Africa so often because if you want to get online and start tweaking

and weirding out about the state of the world, go look at Africa, man. Africa is... I'm not going to Africa, man. No. No! Got no desire. Is the UFC going to Africa?

I don't think so. Probably. Johannesburg? I can see that. Let's talk about UFC going to Africa I don't think so Probably Johannesburg I can see that Let's talk about us Going to Brazil man Brazil We're definitely going back

To Australia We're going all over The fucking place That's cool There was a real bad decision At the last UFC That everybody was talking about Man that's bullshit

That is one of the That's just ridiculous I like how your Your speech though That was fucking awesome I had to say something Perfect It's exactly what I think Most people were thinking I that was fucking awesome I had to say something it's perfect it's exactly what I think

most people were thinking I said that we have to get rid of some of these judges that you can't during the what during another fight oh wow during the middle of the fight

I was talking about the last fight it was such a bad decision I've never had like that many people screaming bullshit like the whole crowd was screaming bullshit

they were all pissed you know there was very few people cheering it was like obviously nam fan won even even the fighter was like i know i lost he had his head to the ground he doesn't say he lost now though oh he doesn't now he thinks he won i saw in the post-fight interview he said i did way more damage oh yeah what's the what's the count yeah like those websites that deal with them we beat them by a considerable margin on the counts of like connecting and also also, it's not just that. It's like the second round was so overwhelming for that dude.

There's a bunch of issues. One of the issues is the actual scoring system that they have in place is taken from boxing, and it's not a good scoring system. The 10-point must system, because there's a guy named Doc Hamilton, and he's a referee who has a – or he's a judge, rather, and he was a referee as well. And he has a good idea, and it's a referee who has a really, or he's a judge rather, and he was a referee as well, and he has a good idea, and it's a half point system, and what that system would be like, say, like the first round of Nam Phan and Leonard Garcia, you would say Nam Phan won, but how closely did he win it?

Eh, maybe half a point, give him a half point, but the second round, he took him down, he beat him up, like the second round was pretty clear, so you'd give him a full point for that round, and then the third round who won that round well you know I could see a debate either way and that would be

a half point round as well so that gets rid of people like barely losing two rounds but crushing another round exactly and then getting lost especially if they win that third round easily

like Machida and Rampage was a perfect example you know a lot of people gave Rampage the first two rounds because he pushed the fight but the third round was clearly Machida because he did a bunch of damage

and then he took Rampage down so Rampage would maybe get up half a point for each of the first and then there would be a third round and he would get a Machida would get a full point for that round and then what would happen is if it was a draw which it would be in that case they would rely on a fourth judge who only calculates damage so the fourth judge through the whole fight like say if you take him down you get him in side control that's x amount of points and if you hit him with a leg kick that makes him wince that's x amount of points and he tallies all this up while the fight's going on so this guy doesn't have to decide who wins each round all this fourth guy is doing is like yeah who's doing

more damage how would they judge uh almost got a rear naked choke or almost got they would do what's called they would do what's called a catch and they used to do this in japan when a guy was really close to uh landing a submission like say if he uh he got the back got the hooks in he's over the chin but he's he's trying to choke the guy and it's not quite in yet it's called catch and what catch is like it's really close it's really close it's like this is a near submission and that counts as points why don't they make the judges have to be ex-fighters or at least have black belts and they're not allowed to play angry birds i mean mean, let them do something. That's absolutely 100% what I've been saying.

And what I've been saying for a long time is that there's a lot of fans as well and people that train as well that would love to do it. But the problem is, is that the way state athletic commissions are like, they're just like working for the government and it's really hard to get fired, super hard to get fired. And they, everybody wants to think that there's no problem and everybody wants to say, oh, working for the government and it's really hard to get fired super hard to get fired and um they everybody wants to think that there's no problem and everybody wants to say oh we're doing our best and everybody you know doesn't agree on fights and these are good judges and no they're not they don't there's a lot of shit they don't know a lot of them come over from boxing they

literally have no experience and no training in the sport other than people explaining to them what these moves are and then they have to judge them at the highest levels of the game. It's so hard to know where you stand. If judges can be two rounds off. It's terrible. That means someone can be like, I won those two rounds. Someone else is like, I won those two rounds. Yeah, and there's some of them that really, really suck.

There's some of them that really have no idea what they're doing. And I have friends who are judges who have told me in frustration that certain women judges have actually turned to them in the middle of fights while a guy was obviously attempting a certain position like a Kimura or something like that and said, what is this? What is he doing? What is he doing? Literally, it's like your girlfriend judging a fight. You know what I'm saying? She doesn't know what's happening. He's got cute hair. He totally wins. And my point on it, and the reason why I said it, is because, and one of my biggest issues

is that the guy who's the president of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, the guy who's running everything, he's not willing to admit that he has not done the best job possible with the best intentions

of the sport and its participants. He has not done the best job possible. He's trying to pretend that the people that he has in place are fine

and that everything's good. And it's not good. Who's his boss? There's bad decision after bad decision after bad decision with no change because in order to make a change, he has to admit that there's a problem. And if he admits there's a problem, then he admits he's wrong. And that's something that politicians never want to do. So he tries to pretend that everything's fine. So he keeps employing the same people with the same problems.

It's been the same guy forever? Yeah. The state athletic commission guy has been the same forever. It's Keith Fasher. And who's his boss? Anybody Commission guy has been the same forever. It's Keith Fazier. And who's his boss? Anybody? I don't know. I don't know who it is.

But people are emailing, man. People are going crazy after this one. We need to find out who his boss is. Get his Twitter. The online community is taking care of everything, Dan. The online community is beyond pissed at all this. These people are huge fans, and these people appreciate what all these fighters have to go through. There's a massive fucking commitment involved in trying to be a professional MMA fighter.

And the last thing they should have to deal with at this level of the game is a bunch of people judging the fights that don't know what's going on. It's one thing if it's a subjective opinion and there's one guy that says, I think that leg kicks don't count as much as head punches because head punches can knock you out.

Leg kicks, it takes a bunch of them. There's a lot of subjective arguments about what's worth more, a kicks, he takes a bunch of them. There's a lot of subjective, you know, arguments about what's more, you know, what's worth more, a takedown or, you know, a good jab. You know, what is worth more? If a guy takes you down and he doesn't really do anything when he gets you down, but you hit him with a stiff jab and his nose is bleeding, isn't the stiff jab worth more?

What is worth more? It's an interesting debate. But this isn't a debate, man. This is like people don't know shit. They just don't know, and it's crazy don't know and it's crazy to watch and it's crazy to watch this guy who's at the head of the state athletic commission pretend that it's not a problem it's fine it's nevada is look it's not just nevada there's issues with other states the other states will grow with mixed martial arts is a new sport and a lot of these states

they're starting to put their athletic commissions together and they're trying to piece it together and they're trying to do the right thing boston is doing a real good job. And one of the guys in the commission is actually my former karate teacher. It's got Joe Esposito. So there's a lot of martial artists. That's what you want. You want people that are real, real fans of the sport. I don't believe this guy's a fan of the sport. I believe this guy's a politician. And I don't believe that's good for what we need. I think what's going on is that we have a bunch of people that were grandfathered in from boxing. So there are all these people that work for the State Athletic Commission.

They're judging boxing fights. And now they say, well, okay, this is boxing, but there's a bunch of other stuff going on too, like takedowns. That's like someone coming up to me and saying, hey, dude, you are a commentator on mixed martial arts, right? We want you to start commentating on football. Right. And you'd be like, well, I don't know anything about football. Well, they hit each other. They slam into each other, and it's violent. Just do that thing you do. Do that thing on football. Right. And you'd be like, well, I don't know anything about football. Well, they hit each other. They slam into each other

and it's violent. Just do that thing you do. Do that thing you do. Exactly. And I'd be like, what do I have to do? I have to judge football? Shit.

Did he do the right thing? And you know, you don't fucking, you don't understand the sport, man. You got to understand the sport to be judging it. You have to participate in it. You have to have trained.

You have to have some experience. You have to know. Somewhere along the line. It just makes sense. There should be some classes to take. You can't get a fucking housewife to go in i got nothing against housewives but if they don't know it's part of the training take them to a gym and show them the moves exactly not just show them the moves man i think you need to train and i don't think we need i

think there's plenty of fucking people out there they have there's ex-fighters there's there's there's people that are just big fans of the sport that understand all the aspects of it the ground game the stand-up game. And you have to have that, and most importantly, you have to have a very deep and sincere appreciation of what these guys go through and how much they're putting out there, what they're laying on the line.

And in my opinion, when you keep using weak officials and you keep having problems with judging, you're not respecting what these guys are doing. It hurts the sport a little bit. It does hurt the sport. Because every time a bat is hit, everyone boos. It's like, wait, who won? That seems guys are doing. It hurts the sport a little bit. It does hurt the sport. Because every time I bat it to everyone who boos,

it's like, wait, who won? That seems cheap. Exactly. It seems rigged. And that's why I had to say it, man. And they're like, well, why'd you have to say that? That's not professional.

It's absolutely professional. You have to say it. If I don't say it, it's not professional. Who's going to say it if I don't? Nobody? We're just going to stick our head in the sand and pretend

there's not an issue? These people that are watching this at home, they'll start screaming, the UFCc's fixed it's like fucking wrestling it's like boxing it's bullshit it's fixed can't get into if you don't know who's ahead exactly and it's so i had to let i had to let people know that it's not fixed it's incompetence and they want to continue the way it's the way it's always been and they don't want me talking about it it's hilarious the whole thing's hilarious you know speaking of hilarious

speaking of hilarious i have a show tonight. Yes. At the Melrose Improv. Fascinating and hilarious. It's a storyteller show, and Joey Diaz is performing as well. That's right. What are you talking about, Joey? It's a story.

Ari does these really interesting shows at the Improv Lab, and what it is is there's the improv on Melrose, and there's another room right next to it that's the lab. I've done it a couple times. It's all like experimental shit. Like dudes just go up and tell stories about things. Some guys try to do stand-up. Some guys do, but some guys just livened up their, the fuck story one's huff because everyone has fuck stories as bits. There was a few guys I walked in on.

I'm like, this guy's like violating the principle. This guy's doing his act. Like with all the pauses in the right places. But some people just went up and told stories. Tommy Chong told a story about how he got arrested and how he got complacent and stuff about drugs and airports and stuff. It was just really interesting. Who's on the lineup? The lineup is Bill Burr, Joey Diaz.

Nice. Kathleen Madigan. Nice. Bobby Lee. Nice. And Steve Agee. You can't go wrong with that. That's five bucks.

And it's five dollars. It's only five dollars. It's tonight at eight o'clock. And how do they get tickets? You can go to the improv.com and look for the Hollywood. And if you want to go, don't sleep. Get tickets now because we're talking about this shit. A lot of people are listening.

A lot of people are going to hear about it on Twitter. It's going to sell out tonight because it's only like, what is it, like 100 seats that room? Well, it's going to be the main room. Oh, you're doing the main room? Yeah, they moved it up. Oh, shit. That's how to sell out tonight because it's only like 100 seats that room. Well, it's going to be the main room. Oh, you're doing the main room. Yeah, they moved it over. Oh, shit. That's how big it is, bitches. This shit's getting large.

Yeah. So go in there. And there's a code to get cheaper service charges. T-I-N-H-P. This is not happening presents. That's the name of it. T-I-N-H-P. Yeah.

How much cheaper are the drinks if they say that? Not the drinks. The service charge. If you buy the tickets online, there's an extra $3 charge. Yeah, it's a $5 ticket, and they charge you three extra per ticket. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And they were like, all right, we'll offer you some sort of coupon. What?

Yeah. Why would it cost them $3 to process a credit card? Last time, anything under like $20 cost that much. It's modem fees. Yeah, what are service fees when you're using a computer? No one's doing it. Exactly. I print out my own ticket.

What's service? Isn't that supposed to be the whole thing? I mean, you are paying taxes on it, aren't you? Don't you pay taxes on tickets? It's part of it. Yeah.

It's part of the cost. So why do I have to pay a service fee as well? Why don't they just build it into the ticket? Gross cuts. Yeah. That and bags.

See, I mean, that was... People are greedy, man. People just want too much money for shit. Yeah, yeah. You know, you're not supposed to get rich selling tickets, asshole. You know, all you're doing is like providing people with a little piece of paper that gets them into the show. The show is where it's at. So you shouldn't be getting almost as much as the show.

If the show's getting five bucks, you get three. Fuck you, douchebag. Yeah, that's when it doesn't work out. That's ridiculous. Use that code. It's only's only a dollar dunkulous so this is not happening this is not happening and hp the show's the year in review we're just doing all the topics we've done so far what are you talking about tonight deos i got a few ideas i have a few ideas i haven't really uh i haven't really really gone deep with any of them yet. You know what I'm saying?

You've got so many goddamn stories. I've never met a human being that has more stories than you. Today you told new ones. I didn't think you had any new ones. I've known you for over a decade, and every fucking time we talk, there's a new one comes out, man. He remembers.

I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you... Your life must have been insane. Your life growing up as a kid must have been just fucking completely insane. The amount of stories that you have. I love it. Talk good about it.

I love it, cocksucker. Hey, have you guys been paying attention to this WikiLeaks shit? Yeah, they arrested the guy for having sex without a condom. Is that what it was? Yeah. That shit's so fake. He's going to be dead in like three days. They arrested him on a charge in Sweden.

It's a bullshit charge. It's somehow similar to rape. It's like charging with somebody with sodomy here. If you have sex without a condom unconsensually? No, it was consensual. What? Yeah, twice. Two girls are like, yeah.

They're just using any sort of thing to arrest him. Just trying to kill this guy or give him some drug or touch his penis. Right, but I didn't know that that's what the charge was. I thought it was like sexual assault or something like that. He really trumped up. Really? that. Really chomped up. Really? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Are you sure? No, I'm not sure. I don't even know if the guy, that's his real name. I don't know what anything is. Could you imagine if it's not even real? He's just like an actor that they're using to get all this information out. The whole thing is very strange, man.

They're releasing all these secrets about China. There are all these Chinese studies that they're doing, man. One of them was quantum teleportation. Whoa, cool. Quantum communication. I guess it's not as like space 1999 as we're wrapping our heads around. It's not like Star Trek

where you're teleporting things from one place to another. But they're working on some way of distributing information where it only exists in one place and then you can transport it to another place. It's like totally uncrackable, the idea,

is that you could have like, you know, you could send information, not have to worry about anybody picking it up along the way. You know, this whole thing happened because there was an employee that brought in a Lady Gaga CD and it looked like he was just fucking playing music on his computer

and this motherfucker was just downloading shit onto this CD-R with Lady Gaga written on it. Wow. Yeah. That's what happened, man. The whole thing is very fascinating. 91,000 classified U.S. military documents were dumped last week. He's just saying, fuck it.

It's for everybody now. This guy just, I don't know. I don't know how it all got started. But I'm fascinated. I have heard a story on NPR about it. And they said they have pleaded with him sometimes about certain things, like don't release this.

And he's listened to them a couple times where he's like, okay, you've made a point. This will hurt people. I'm going to not release that. Has he done that? Yeah. Where he won't release a few things

where it'll just lead to someone's harm and no one needs that information. Man, the whole thing is such a trip. We're finding out how they communicate and how they talk about different parts of the world and all the different problems that people have. Yeah. Here's one of them, a Texas company.

They're saying help pimp little boys to Afghani cops. This is really crazy. Yeah, that should be released. Yeah. Who's that going to hurt besides the people who are doing stuff? Yeah. The company's called Dincorp, a private security contractor tasked with training the Afghan police. The company's officially based in the D.C. area.

Most of its business is managed on a satellite campus at Alliance Airport north of Fort Worth. And one of the diplomatic cables from the WikiLeaks archives is to be believed these guys apparently are... This is somebody, this guy named Hans Vaughn, posted this on the Rogan board. This, they apparently were bringing in boys.

This is fucking crazy, man. And you got to think, man. Look, there's, if you know anything about Afghanistan, that is the tradition there. It's been going on for a long, long time that they have sex with boys. It's like guys who've gone over there. I've talked to military guys, especially when we do these fights for the troops, you know, you get a long time to talk to these dudes, and this guy was telling

me about catching guys fucking. Like, you would just, in Afghanistan, they would just catch guys fucking. Like, they'd be on patrol, or they'd be doing something, or they'd be, you know. The two soldiers would be fucking? No, no, no, no, no. They'd just fuck somebody. They're just banging each other. Like, they'd just pull over somewhere, and they'd just, you know, they're behind a fucking fence,

fucking each other, sucking each other's cocks or something. It's like they have sex with boys all the time over there. It's apparently just, you know, you hear about it, like, in the Greek Empire and the Roman Empire. Well, apparently it's still going on in certain parts of the world. And the thing is, like, okay, you might make a call where it's like, that's acceptable in their society, so we're going to allow it, but you shouldn't hide it. Yeah, little boys, man, like young boys. It's like super common, apparently.

They smoke a lot of pot, too, the Afghani soldiers. So this company that was shipping the kids out, were they shipping them out of Texas to Afghanistan, like the American boys? That's a good question. I didn't read the whole story. No way. Yeah.

That'd be nuts. It had to be Afghani boys. Yeah, I would assume, right? Did they charge a service fee if you order online? For those who can't... Get the clothes for free. Baka Bazi is a pre-Islamic Afghan tradition that was banned by the Taliban,

and Baka boys are 8 to 15 years old. They put on makeup, they tie bells to their feet, and they slip into scanty women's clothing, and then to the whine of harmonium and wailing vocals, they dance seductively to smoky roomfuls of leering older men. This is what this guy, Hans Von, wrote. That's fucking crazy, man. Wow.

There's no shame in having a little boy lover. On the contrary, it's a matter of pride. Those who can afford the most attractive boy are players. The OGs of places like Kandahar and Coast. How old is the boy? It's a frontline video. 8 to 15. 8 to 15.

That's crazy. 8 seems too young. 15 I could sort of see. You know what, dude? We've talked about this before, but people get used to everything. People get used to whatever the culture is around you, you get used to. There's crazy traditions that people have as far as like you know when i was in um um uh germany they had a television channel that was uh it was the the hodge on mecca yeah that's how you say it the

hodge is that how you say it anyway it's on tv 24 hour mecca cam oh and there's a if you ever seen mecca there's like a building it's like this uh flat box that's in the center and all these people are milling around this and i'm looking at this and i'm like you could if you started this up tomorrow and you said hey you know this is what we're doing we're gonna all meet in this one super secret cool spot and we're gonna start walking around in a circle well people would start going well what's in that box why am i walking around this this is stupid why do i have to wear this white robe what's in the box exactly what is it i don't know i have no idea but the the point is that it's been done for so long, they're doing it's normal.

It's normal. Just like that's the thing we do. So if it's banging kids or if it's everybody bangs kids, okay, I'll get a kid to bang. What is it? Those African women that like fucking stuff plates in their lips or those Thai people that like stick fucking swords through their faces. Why do they do that? Because they're all doing it. Everybody's done it.

So you do it too. There's a lot of follow the leader going on with people, man. And somehow or another, if they all decide that banging kids is okay. Then it's okay. Then it's okay. Yeah, dog fighting is okay in a lot of cultures. A lot of cultures. Yeah.

And how can you blame somebody? All the Indians that come over here are like, wait, you're not allowed to have sex with a 17-year-old? I don't understand. Yeah, right. I don't know about that. You know, my gardener, my ex-gardener actually Used to fight chickens Really? He took me

That's illegal So he used to fight chickens So he took me to He's not the guy who works for me now So he used to fight chickens And he took me to One of his buddies house This guy has a whole backyard set up.

It's in the most Mexican neighborhood of L.A. you've ever been to, ever. I don't want to say where it is, but you get there, and all the signs are in Spanish, bro. Everything's in Spanish. Everyone's Mexican for blocks and blocks and blocks, and everyone's got chickens. The whole backyard is... Everywhere you go pit bulls and chickens these motherfuckers

had pit bulls and chickens and my gardener I gave him one of my pit bull puppies so he had one of Frank's puppies turned out to be a crazy dog that's a long story

and he's got like fucking 20 chickens in his backyard all these guys would go and they would get hammered and they would roast a goat that's what they would do they would get hammered and they would roast a goat. That's what they would do. They'd kill a goat

and they would put a fire in the ground, put the goat on a spit, roll the goat around a barbecue and then they'd start chicken fights. And they would get fucking hammered and they'd all get together. And this guy had a giant yard. It was all set up with chicken breeding. That sounds fun to me. It does sound fun. Barbecue, booze

and just... But people are like, what are you doing? It's it's cruelty to animals and forcing these animals to fight each other i guess but you know how come it's okay to eat them but it's not okay to watch them beat the fuck out of each other yeah isn't that what they want to do they kill them i guess the problem is also they give razor blades they put razor blades on their spurs oh yeah they don't i mean they don't cut each other up because of their beaks. That shit would take forever. Wow. Yeah, they totally fix it.

The way they fight is kind of harmless. I mean, they can hurt each other eventually, but it's going to take some time. So they put razor blades on their spurs. They put spurs on their paws. So instead of just clawing

another one, you just chop it up. Obviously, I don't think you should have chicken fights, but for them, it's a huge part of their culture and it's a lot of fucking fun and they love it

and they gamble on it. They all and you know he would tell me about the different strains of rooster about his friend has this new strain it's like championship fighting strain and he brought it in and he brought this the rooster and they showed me the rooster like take him to the cage he's a bad motherfucker you see this rooster he's all sinewy and shit with you know like it's fucking evil look in his eyes. You can tell, whoa, this is good genetics. Wow. Prime rooster assassin genetics. You have chicken fights when you were growing up?

No? I've seen them too in the Bronx. Cockfights. I've seen them. Cockfights. That's what they call them, man.

Yeah. Roy Jones Jr. apparently likes to fight chickens. Really? Yeah. And somebody was telling me a story about him when he was in the prime

of his career when Roy Jones was like, Roy Jones, you know, was like dominating everybody. He was on a private jet and he had to stop over somewhere to pick up some chickens so he stopped over and they're flying in a private jet with roy jones and there's boxes of chickens all over the place on a fucking private jet roy jones is chilling with his fucking with his nikes on and shit. Wow. Diamonds and shit with chickens. He just likes chicken fights, man.

Who doesn't? It's a strange thing. You know, the need to bet on animals and shit fighting. The thrill. Yeah, it is. Well, it's like, you know, the fix is not in. They're going to go for it. Yeah, it's true.

That's true, too. But when you see the chickens fighting, you see these people out there, these people are scary. Oh, yeah. It's not OTB, bitch. This is a little level deeper than OTB. Off-track betting.

You know they're closing OTB in New York? What? The one? There's a thousand of them all over. They're trying to get legislatures, some shit. Let people gamble, god damn it. People don't realize how many people out there are...

They should let people gamble online They should let people gamble In pool halls In bowling alleys Gambling is fun It should be completely Totally legal And the idea

Behind it is Oh people get addicted To gambling It's dangerous People get addicted To anything I've been addicted To Q-tips

You know Should Q-tips be illegal Come on man This is stupid Let them gamble God damn it Especially OTB Who's one person To tell you What you can and can't do With your money That's ridiculous Throw your money to Q-tips. Should Q-tips be illegal? Come on, man. This is stupid. Let them gamble, goddammit. Especially OTB. Who's one person to tell you

what you can and can't do with your money? That's ridiculous. Throw your money on something. Just tax it. Tax it. And if it's a personal thing between two people

like guys that play basketball, they should be allowed to gamble. It's kind of fun. I could sell you an old DVD. I don't have to pay taxes on that. Exactly. You probably are supposed to. I probably't have to pay taxes on that. Exactly. You probably are supposed to pay as a claimant.

I think you should be able to gamble on whatever the fuck you want. It's not income, man. You know why? Because when you work, you earn something, and that's income. These are professional gamers. They pay income taxes. Yeah, but that's different. That's a job. These guys are entering to professionally run tournaments

and shit, but what I'm saying is if you're betting $20 against another guy who's also betting $20, when you win that $20, you shouldn't have to pay taxes on it because you risk $20 to make $20. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's not even somebody who's charging a – Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's not like – Somebody's charging points or anything.

Right, or an entry fee. You pay $50,000 to get into the World Series of Poker or whatever it is. Lose it all or win it all. Exactly. Lose it all or win it all. That's pretty fair. It's not like pay $50,000 to get into the World Series of Poker. Lose it all or win it all. Exactly. Lose it all or win it all. That's pretty fair. It's not like pay $50 to win $5 million. That's two dudes putting them both up.

Yeah. What does it cost when you go into the World Series of Poker? It's not cheap, right? $10,000. $10,000. God damn, you've got to be a player. You've got to be a player to step up and throw $10,000 at a game that you're probably not going to win. Probably like $9,500 or $9,700.

That goes to the prize pool. My friend Justin from theactionreport.com, he's a guy that you met, the big giant burly dude who does all the live streams for pool matches and shit. And he was talking to me about poker players. Poker players are starting to gamble on pool now. Because poker players don't give a fuck about $10,000. $10,000 isn't shit to them.

To a pool player, it's a big score. So these poker players, when they're bored, this is one guy named Dippy Dave. He's like the rage of the fucking pool community because he's going off. He's like losing $20,000 a year

and $30,000 there and he just won $80,000. He beat this guy, Alex Pagulain, who's this top-level Filipino player. A lot of the best players are from the Philippines. He's a top-level Filipino player.

He beat him for $80,000 and everybody's going crazy. This guy's like willing to play some, but they give him a crazy spot. They play a game called One Pocket. And instead of having an even number of balls they need to get in each other's pocket, the Filipino guy has to get 18 and he has to get four. To make it somewhat even.

It's a ridiculous spot. If he happens to play well that game, then it's like, okay, he's going to go home. So he's winning. He's winning some of the matches and winning some of the money. But these poker players, man, they were used to gambling like a million dollars on this and a million dollars on that. That book that you told me to read, I bought it about that guy who was the really – Felix

Unger. What's his name? Unger, yeah. Stuart Unger? Steve Unger? Unger? Poker? All right.

Let's find out real quick. Stu Unger. Stu Unger. Stu Unger. The lava find out real quick Stu Unger Stu Unger The lava lamp Yeah made tons of money Lost it all Fucking brilliant Living large

Yeah Won a ton of money again Lost it all Well that's the deal With all these guys They're crazy crazy Like wild gamblers Like the best guys

Apparently One of the attributes They have Is they're not afraid to lose Oh yeah So that's how they win Yeah They just throw money at shit.

And they, like, see what happens. Alex Pagulian, this guy wins $30,000 playing poker. Okay? He's just, like, kicking everybody's ass playing poker. He gets his money up so he's looking for another game, another pool match. Has a couple drinks. Goes to the roulette table. Roulette table.

Blows it all. Yeah. Goes to the dice table. Blows it all. Just one of those guys. He has $10,000 in his pocket. That's i gotta i gotta be in action man i gotta be in action wow they get crazy and start going off that's a that's a weird uh addiction the addiction to gamble yeah i growing up around uh in pool playing uh at uh this place white plains billiards there

was a bunch of people in uh new york when i when i lived there in white plains uh executive billiards in white plains and there was a bunch of people in New York when I lived there in White Plains. Executive Billiards in White Plains. And there was a bunch of people that were like serious hardcore gambling addicts. I've never seen anything like it in my life, man. They had to be in action. In something. Playing gin. Playing pool. Going to the racetrack.

Otherwise there's no fun for them. There's nothing there. Life was all about action. I was hooked on sport gambling for about four months. And I fucking hated it. Really? I did it as a means to survive. I was hooked on sport gambling for about four months, and I fucking hated it. Really? I did it as a means to survive. I was a plot in my head. You were real good at breaking down fights,

and I would imagine you would be real good at breaking down games as well. But you can't do it every day. No? Why's that? You can't go to the well. It's impossible. The odds are always against you.

Vegas keeps getting bigger and bigger. A professional gambler knows when to go in, bang, and pull out four nights. And get something else that's very high percentage. He looks at the time of the year. He looks at so many variables. Who won on Saturday? Who won on Friday?

But it seems to me that it'd be super risky no matter what. Even if you're really good at it, what's the odds that you win? Is it 55, 60, like 70? Man, they always get you. And this is the time of the year right now where they shut the lights on on motherfuckers. But who do you know? If you get up to 60% wins, that's great.

That's great, right? That's great. Yeah, and that's why when guys go on bad streaks, they go bad and it gets scary because they could one-up totally dead, dead empty. There's these guys that take 19 picks. I love when I make a Joey Karate video and people are like,

you've got to put the picks for all of them. You dumb fuck. Everybody's going to go four and four or three and five, you dummy. I'm trying to give you info here so you can go two and three. Specific fights. So you have a net winner. So at least you cover on one of the points. You're just not sitting there fucking sweating.

I'm not sure if the sports book covers all the fights either. They only cover a couple of them. Because there's a lot of people like when you bring in guys like Charles Oliveira from Brazil or something like that, like who the fuck knows who that guy is and all of a sudden he's a lot of people like when you bring in guys like Charles Oliveira from Brazil or something like that. Like who the fuck knows who that guy is? And all of a sudden he's a killer. There was a lot of dudes, man, in the early days of the UFC that they used to put the line. Especially when you had fights at the palm and shit. They would put a line up and I would look at the line and I would go, I got a bet.

These guys don't even know who the fuck this guy is. There was a bunch of times where I was stealing money. Some guy was a fan favorite because a lot of people knew about him. So they would put money on him. Whenever the Pride guys came over, i might bet against them oh yeah because everyone thinks their name is bigger than they are well the pride guys the situation with pride is first of all apparently according to phil barone it's much tougher to fly from japan to america that is from america to japan something to do with like rhythm and cycles of your body

he totally truly believes this and he says this is the reason why these Japanese guys come over here and they don't do so well. But another problem with Japan is they were allowed to free ball and take whatever the fuck they wanted. These guys were just, it was the Wild West, man. They were just taking all kinds of, like Bob Sapp, when Bob Sapp was 375 pounds with abs. Have you ever even seen anything like that before?

And you work with him, Joey. You work with him on The Longest Yard. What was that before? And you work with him, Joey. You work with him on The Longest Yard. What was that like? And he couldn't pick me up. Really? He couldn't pick me up. There was one scene where he was supposed to carry me. He couldn't pick me up.

Joey, how big were you back then? 390. Wow. He was 375 and he couldn't pick me up. Jesus. So if he had to fight a wrestler, I bet fucking against him. Yeah. Wrestler strength, man.

But dude, very few people can hoist up a 390 pound man there's not a whole lot of people that's a that's a different kind of weight it's uh it's the way you stand i know a lot of people if i had to carry you like up out of a burning building we're both gonna die not really i have to drag you if you use your technique technique my jiu-jitsu technique. My jujitsu technique. Shit, what about my back? You weigh 390, bro. You know what? I could do 390 for one squat with a bar.

Be better than that. Balanced and shit. Weighed perfectly on my shoulders with a spotter. You know, making sure there's a bar in place. 390 of human bone and movable tissue and everything's moving all over the place. And a ball sack throwing off the equilibrium. Because between my head and my ball sack, that's moving all over the place. and the ball sack throwing off the equilibrium. Because between my head and my ball sack,

that throws you right the fuck off. Right when I get you on my shoulder, I step on your dick and trip. Oh, that throws the scale off completely. Okay, it's a mess. I can't pick you up, man. I remember one time

you were sitting in a chair and I got behind you and I put you in a gable grip and I just said, let me see if I can hoist this dude up. It was a joke. It was like trying to pick up a house. It was like,

I might as well have been trying to pick up a house it was like i might as well have been trying to pick up my house you just didn't make it budge no room i gripped a hold of him i tightened down i just arched my back it was like nothing it was like there's no my body was like dude you're gonna break everything if you try this stop what you're doing stupid no fucking chance no chance we get that water dog i'm over here dying of thirst that's right i ate a banana bread before i came up here i'm fucked up oh really i've been sitting here just sitting here something happened over the last hour where you slowed down considerably sunk into the hole but i'm back bitch you know i'm saying i never go down like that i'm like columbus i keep coming at

you one minute i'm in china one minute I'm a New Yorker. We're back, bitches. What about Fleshlight? Give them a holler. Just let them know they're in the house. Fleshlight. I want to give my boy Dougie Knuckles a fucking holler down there in Florida holding it tight with a bicycle. Him and his buddy Tommy Wagner.

My buddy Dougie Knuckles, a fucking animal. I read this thing he wrote. He wrote all around the internet on a bicycle, a tricycle. He's got a big fucking head too, Dougie Knuckles. Dougie Knuckles, a fucking animal. I read this thing he rode. He rode all around the internet in a bicycle, a tricycle. He's got a big fucking head too, Dougie Knuckles. Dougie Knuckles. Almost bigger than mine. And that's it, guys. You know what I'm saying?

We're here. We're queer. Everything's beautiful. What? Go to TheEconomist.com. This is my latest cosmology article that I'm fascinated with. I haven't quite wrapped my head around it, so I don't want to comment on it totally. But the idea is that,

the headline is, in contradiction to most cosmologists' opinions, two scientists have found evidence that the universe may have existed forever. There has been no Big Bang, and then it's just constant, and it goes on forever, and it never ends,

which is what I've always thought was right. I mean, I know I'm an idiot, and I shouldn't be commenting on what cosmologists say but i always felt like our need for anything to be beginning and ending so we wrap our heads around it because we begin and end based on our own biological limitations we think that something has to have a birth and an and it's also that i can't completely game over so where do you go after the end of space where do you go after that so where do you after you die like nothing we're at a weird time man we're learning some shit about the universe and learning some shit about just reality

that no human beings have ever been able to wrap their heads around. I had a conversation with someone the other day about how people, they were talking about Egyptians and how much the Egyptian people knew to be able to create those structures. And I'm like, yeah, it probably was pretty interesting. But I guarantee you we know more now. Oh, yeah.

So much more. They knew some crazy shit. They knew how to build some amazing structures that we can't quite wrap our heads around today. But believe me, everything gets more complex from the beginning of the universe, from the beginning of life on this planet, from, you know, the fucking birth of our star. Everything has gotten more and more weird and always will be. You go to those mountains in Colorado. You hike up those mountains. Don't make me homesick, bro.

And you see some shit up in those mountains. And you've got to think that two million years ago there was water here. There was water here. My thing is this has never began. This didn't start with a boom. Civilizations have come and gone eight times on this same fucking planet. Eight times.

And we've ended with an 80 year war, drought, whatever suited you know, started with a cannon, and it just kept evolving. And we have paperwork to document this back to Jesus now. And there's always one guy that ends up like fucking your buddy there, the Scientologist, the black dude in that movie, Go Henry. He lived in a fucking cave by himself with a German shepherd, Will Smith. Go whatever, Henry, what's his name?

I Am Legend. I Am Legend. And all of a sudden he meets a bro, he fuck Smith, Goll, whatever, Henry, what's his name? I Am Legend. I Am Legend. And all of a sudden he meets a bro, he fucks, and then four people, and then we go on, and your grandpa. I don't think we just existed and died. I always think that. There's been a bunch of different versions of humanity. A bunch of different versions of humanity.

We've talked about Graham Hancock on this podcast a bunch of times, but if you ever want to get into that, folks, there's a guy named Graham Hancock who wrote a book called Fingerprints of the Gods. He wrote a bunch of books. Underworld is want to get into that folks there's a guy named grand hancock who wrote a book called fingerprints of the gods he wrote a bunch of books underworld is another one that deals with all these different cities that they found underneath the ocean oh please there's so many different structures man giant man-made structures roads and shit there the earth used to be used to have a much lower level of sea level the sea level was much lower and we had much more ice everywhere and that ice you, you know, melted at a certain point in time.

What we're worried about today, everyone's worried about global warming. Well, if the ice caps melt, that shit has happened so many times over the course of humanity, and there's all this evidence with these cities that are in the ocean. And it's shifted.

You have brought a point up that they found fucking, this is alone right here. I had a thought, and just this makes my hypothesis stronger. You said that they found the tooth in Montana of a dinosaur that lived only under water. Megalodons. Sharks. Fucking two million years ago.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I don't know the info. But right there, what the fuck was the shark doing in the mountains of Montana? That's one of the best places to find megalodon bones. That's what I'm saying. That was covered at one time. In one civilization a long, long fucking time time ago before the Chinese even existed and came over and built the railroad tracks. There was a

complete different civilization here. Totally. Well, you know, Chinese were over here before anybody. Yes, they were. They found Chinese bones, the oldest bones they've ever found in North America from a Chinese person. Wow. 10,000 years ago. I fucking believe it, dog. I believe it. That's why natives look so strong.

Well, the Indians, you know, they came from Asia, it. That's why natives look so good. Their shit's strong. Well, the Indians, they came from Asia, too. That's where the Indians came from. Or Native Americans, you should say. Hawaii always freaks me out the most, man, when you think that this is fairly recent in terms of millions of years. This volcano erupted in the middle of the ocean, not near anything,

and there's all these motherfuckers just camped out on it. And you know how those countries are populated? They go from one island and they take canoes to another island they can't even see. They don't even know it's there. They just start canoeing out. Yeah, and they did it back before GPS. I don't even think they had fucking motors.

They went to Hertz and said, let me get a GPS. They didn't give a fuck. They got a blanket and took a chance. You know what I'm saying? Go east, cocksucker how did they do that the Polynesians like those people

that originally found Hawaii no wonder why they're so like adamant about it being theirs you imagine how fucking hard it was to get there and you bitches are cheating by getting on a delta flight

and coming over with your stupid fucking flower shirt where'd the Polynesian come from I don't know the whole area I don't know when I was a kid

there was a Polynesian restaurant in my neighborhood. The Mike Kai, that motherfucker, used to kick. That place would kick. They used to have a bartender hen with karate chopper. He'd let you karate chop them. They were the only joint that would have spare ribs in the thing. We gotta go get some Cuban food. We gotta go to

Versailles and Encino soon. Nah, there's another place. There's a couple good places. Versailles is good. That chicken soup they have and that garlic chicken with onions. What's that one? Oh, Jesus. There's another Versailles. There. That chicken soup they have and that garlic chicken with onions. What's that called? There's another Versailles there. There's another one on Venice. Versailles, I don't know what they're all like because I've only eaten at the one in Encino. No, they're all different.

They got a one in Silver Lake that's tremendous. El Cochinito. Never trust the people that make shitty food, man. Countries that food's not tasty. What the fuck's wrong with you weirdos? Yeah, you boring cunts. Bro, that's the first way you get to like people

is through their food oh yeah this fucking spaghetti is delicious it's not the case with English anymore though English restaurants there's a lot of dope

restaurants in England I'm in London they have a good food all kinds of food it's like you know you hear about it like that's the old cliche like from Bill Hicks' material

about English food being bad but I've had some great English food there's a lot of great restaurants in there what do you eat when you go over there there's a bunch of different places but it's like English food or is it just I've had some great English food. There's a lot of great restaurants in there now. Where do you go over there? There's a bunch of different places. But it's like English food or is it just

food? No, food. There's like fine restaurants there. I'm working on that passport England, Australia. I'm working on it. How are you going to get it? I'm going to come invade on you motherfuckers within a year. Is that possible? Bro, don't worry about nothing. I made a call. I'll take you to Australia. No, I can't go right now. When can you go?

We're working on it right now so don't keep twitting me when you come to the UK but what happens when we land I'm going to have to break away from you and hide that's fine

don't worry about nothing I'm not with you Eddie Bravo had a gun charge from when he was younger when he used to work for a check cashing company he was totally legit and legal

he had the gun on him because he worked for a dangerous you know a dangerous job he was transporting all this cash around and he got pulled over and he told the cops, you know, I have a gun on me.

And they arrested him. And even though nothing happened and they cleared him of it, every time he goes to Canada, they fuck him with it. Wow. Every time it takes hours. So now I'm like, yeah, go ahead.

Go ahead, dude. I love Canada, but I can't go there. You guys don't want to fucking work with people. You know what I'm saying? And when I went up there, you guys invented delivery weed. 20 years ago, nobody was doing delivery weed. I give you motherfucking Canadians props.

You guys were delivering right there to Bloor Street. I stayed in the hotel when I was doing whatever. Well, I completely understand Canada's stance. If you were a country that's filled with predominantly friendly, nice people, law-abiding citizens for the most part, like their percentage of criminals and scumbags is way lower than ours. They exist, but it's a way lower number. And you live next to a country

that's just fucking savages. Savages and criminals that are looking to escape law enforcement by sneaking into the next-door neighbor country, which is really nice and filled with sweet people. So, you know, they had to react that way. But so many people must have been sneaking over from fucking Detroit and New York

and criminals and scumbags and murderers and douchebags. Meanwhile, Canada is like one of the nicest places in the fucking world, and it's our neighbor. But they need flavor. They do need some flavor. They need Bloor Street. Bloor Street was the only place ever. I went down there. I went to a strip club because I don't even go to strip clubs.

These are my fucking things. I went to a strip club, and the girl put her monkey in my face, and I bit her pubic hair. Where was this? At a club on Bloor Street. What city? Toronto. Toronto. girl put her monkey in my face. Where was this? At a club on Bloor Street. What city? Toronto. She put her monkey in my face. And I bit her fucking monkey as she pulled it away.

And I could hear the pubic hairs going bing, bing, bing. That's the first time ever that the monkey drove me crazy. I went back to the strip club. I went back to the comedy club before they closed and got another $150 draw. I went back. I had $10 a lap dance. I sniffed her asshole. Ever since then, I never went, why go to an American place and you go to Canada and sniff a girl's ass for $10?

They are lacking in flavor, though. You're not motherfucking these flavors. Let me in. Sign the paperwork. This is what it is. Let me do some flavor up there. North America is like the three bears. Like Mama Bear, Baby Bear, and Papa Bear. That's what it's like.

And like Mexico, too much flavor. United States, the right amount of flavor. Canada, not enough flavor. It's like Mexico's got too much. They're too fucking crazy. I'll tell you what I'm ready for, though. At this point in my life, I'm ready for England. Are you?

Yeah, I'm ready. I'm gonna go there. I want the motherfuckers from Snatch to pick me up at the airport. The two black dudes and the other fucking Jews. I wish you could go to England, because I'm going to go there. It's interesting. I want the motherfuckers from Snatch to pick me up at the airport. The two black dudes and the other fucking Jews. I wish you could go to England because I would love to take you to some of the shows. No, please. I would rock you, mother. You guys know it.

You guys know it. You've known it. Especially since Dave Bishop has retired from comedy. He's out? Yeah. Did I tell you what happened? No, what happened? Oh, my goodness.

We were in England and Dave, I love him to death, apparently hadn't been doing that much comedy. And he went on stage and it was a rowdy, crazy, drunk crowd, and they were fired up, and he just... I was in the dressing room for like six minutes. I was going over my notes, and all of a sudden Dave's at the door. You ready, Joe? And I go, ready?

I go, what's going on? How come you're not on stage? He goes, I couldn't get him. You couldn't get him? Who's on stage now? No one's on stage. So he did six minutes get him you couldn't get him who's on stage now no one's on stage so he did six minutes and just bailed got off stage came back to the green room to get me and i was like oh no dude like what's going on so i went on stage i'm like hey what's going on folks

and i didn't know what to say that's crazy yeah it was it was ridiculous that was the show it's great they were awesome they were awesome you know what man here's the deal when you reach a certain point in your life and he's got a job and he's had a job forever he works in a full-time job at a bank you know and i've said this and this is just a fact if you want to be a fucking comic this ain't there's no safety play this ain't no part-time job it ain't easy you're gonna have to immerse yourself in the world of comedy. You've got to become a fucking comedy soldier. You can do it. If you can do it at all, if you can do it and you can go up there and get laughs, you can get better. If you can get better, you can become

a professional. If you can become a professional, you can become a good professional. You can become a headline. You can become a TV act. You can be a stand-up comedian, but it's not going to be fucking easy, man, and you're not going to do it while you have a regular job. I need my dental. No, you don't need your dental. You've got to fucking anchor.

Book a movie. Get insurance, cocksucker. Look at this. My whole thing is missing. I got nice teeth. I look like fucking Humphrey Bogart. That's easy to say, though. There's no movies being booked in fucking Manchester.

When you first get me. Hey, listen. Ari Shafir is my witness. Listen, I used to hang out at the store late night and steal all the fucking cell phones from the office and sell them to a black dude downtown in Compton. I'm so glad I didn't know you back in the day. I used to fucking. I used to hang out at the store late night and steal all the fucking cell phones from the office and sell them to a black dude downtown in Compton. I'm so glad I didn't know you back in the day. I used to give out tickets. I used to give out the stubs at the people at the door.

And I would get a dollar per ticket. I'd pick up an extra $300 a week upstairs. Mitzi Show would be pulling her wig out of her head. You got to know how to work the fucking deal. The old Joey would have robbed the shit out of Brian. Yeah, robbed me, sucked my dick. Sucked your dick? What?

You would have sucked his dick. No, no. You would have sucked my dick. I would. Yeah, robbed me. No, no, no. Sucked my dick. Sucked your dick? What? You would have sucked his dick. No, no. You would have sucked my dick. I would have made you pass out. Oh, yeah. I would have gave you weed. Your heart would have blown up. You would have passed out.

You would have woke up. Nothing would have been there. You would have had another fucking anxiety attack. Two ambulances in one night. You would have woke up with a stomach full of tropical helmet juice. Yeah, you would have minused the TiVo and 800 in fucking ambulance charges. What's the most you had to pay for ambulances for picking me up like that? Probably the last one.

How much was that? The whole thing cost $4,000. Jesus Christ, son. That's with insurance. Fucking A. Oh my God. With insurance. I gotta sacrifice myself. Y'all must stay.

Keep it together. If you ever have something like that happen, call me. Call me, dude. Absolutely. I'll come rescue you. Absolutely. I'll save you. I'm going to hold your hand.

We're going to get through this, bitches. I'll come over and scare the fuck out of you. You understand me? All for one. United. Whatever it is. I remember one time we did acid and went to see Apocalypse Now. Me, John Crowley.

What? Chris DiLorenzo. Wow. When it first came out the first weekend, I was about 16. It was amazing. I'm going to walk home. We're just walking, minding our own business, and it just rained. And all of a sudden, I keep talking to my friend.

I keep saying to him, do you hear those sirens? And my buddy's like, I hear them. He's playing along with me. And I'm like, you hear the sirens? He's like, yeah. And all of a sudden, the one guy's like, I don't hear nothing. I don't hear nothing, man. I swear to God, I don't fucking hear nothing. We're like, you don't hear anything? We're like, yeah. And also, the one guy's like, I don't hear nothing. I don't hear nothing, man. I swear to God.

I don't fucking hear nothing. We're like, you don't hear anything. We started covering our ears and shit. And then we went up to somebody, you hear those sirens? And he's like, yeah. And we even freaked out now because somebody else is hearing them. And this poor kid looked around and had just rained. There was a puddle on the street.

I'll never forget. He got on his hands and knees and started throwing the puddle in his face. It was probably like shining, like gasoline floating on the surface and shit. He just got up and ran the fuck home. And we seen him like two days later. He's like, man, I can't hear no sirens. First time I saw Apocalypse Now, I really watched the whole movie was in this house. When I first bought this house.

When I first bought this house. Because I got like a movie theater, like a inch you know thing that drops down and i ate a pot cookie and i'm stoned as bejesus everyone's asleep at me and i'm sitting there watching this apocalypse now on this giant 100 inch screen and that's when it hit me what a brilliant piece of filmmaking that movie is there's certain movies man where you watch the movie and you go, that movie is just a work of art. It's like they just took you on a journey. There's so much about that movie, like the end when they're killing the bull.

There's so much about that movie. You couldn't even do that today because they really killed the bull and filmed it. I mean, they hacked that fucking bull to death, right? That was real shit. That wasn't special effects. Deep, dog. Deep movie. It's disturbing and shocking and the whole Marlon Brando is this fucking insane general gone off his rocker.

The whole thing was amazing, man. That is a goddamn amazing movie, man. The sound, everything. Robert Duvall. Charlie, don't surf! That one scene when he goes into the camp and the black dude's listening to Hendrix, and I can't even imagine on a big screen by yourself with a cookie.

You're about to jump out a fucking window. Tripping balls. Who's the CEO here? Whatever. He just looks around. Sound speakers all around my head everywhere.

He was one of those real motherfucking black dudes with the veins in their eyes from Detroit. Those real motherfucking black dudes in Memphis and Detroit. They got veins in their eyes.

In one lazy eyelid. Remember they asked him, they said to him, well, who's the captain here? And he looked around and this motherfucker looked at him, I don't fucking know. What? Motherfucker.

He don't even have to say nothing. That was intense. He just looked at him. They had all gone off the deep end. That was a great movie. But that movie really kind of captured what a lot of people felt about war. There's a lot of crazy shit going down.

It wasn't as simple as... It's not just everyone marching. Yeah. There's a lot of people going rogue, man. A lot of nutty shit going on. I'm going to drop some fucking knowledge on you people. This is a true story. One night, me and Ralphie May are driving around getting stoned.

We go, Ralphie, we've got to catch this weed store. It's on Formosa and Santa Monica. They've got really good edibles. So we pull over. Ralphie May can't find the parking spot. It's 20 to fucking 8. 7.35. The place closes at 8. So we pull over. Ralphie may can't find the parking spot. It's 20 to fucking 8. 7.35, the place closes at 8. So we're going to go to a movie.

And so all of a sudden I go, Ralphie, just drop me off here and park the car. And I'll get in there. So I walk in and there's a line. So the guy wouldn't let me in. And they check IDs outside the street at this place. This is right across the street from the Formosa Cafe. So while I'm waiting in line, there's a girl in front of me

and I'm waiting there in line and I'm stoned and I'm going in there to get more and who fucking walks up to me who's walking down the street smoking a cigarette but Lawrence motherfucking Fishburne. God damn.

And he goes, what are you doing? And he goes, don't you the comedian on Showtime I had a date with? Get the fuck out of here. And he started talking to me. He goes,

Edwin San Juan fucked me up. And he starts talking to me. He goes, Edwin San Juan, fuck me up. And he starts talking to me. He's talking about it. That's awesome. So who comes walking up from a distance is Ralphie May walling up. And I can see that as he's walking up, bro, he's looking at me. He's like, what the fuck? It's Lawrence motherfucking Fishburne.

How the fuck did you? Did Ralphie start talking black to him? No. Ralphie just started talking to him. And Lawrence Fishburne told us about that movie. Ralphie's voice will vary in blackness. Dude. He was 14 when they took him to the Philippines to shoot that movie.

And he was 17 when they finished, right? Next time you see Lawrence Fishburne, you shake his hand. You go, listen. I only met him once at Sky Bar, but very briefly. I didn't even meet him. I shouldn't say I met him. I was in his presence. You were in the Philippines when you were 14.

Most kids don't make it back. You got to feel bad for that guy, man. He's got a 19-year-old daughter that's doing ghetto porn. She shows up at the store sometimes. Really? Yeah. Not that attractive. Not that attractive, and her ass is filled with buckshot.

Was there any doubt? Really? It's weird. She's got all these little zits all over her ass. It's weird. Someone shot her with rock salt. I hate that shit. You would go to a strip club, and that chick would have a whitehead on her ass.

A little tight whitehead. You want to pop that motherfucker? I would pop that thing and suck it. No, no. You want to give her a 10? Let me pop that pimp on your ass. You're walking around wounded here with that little whitehead on your ass. It's killing you.

She's got hail damage on her ass. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's sadness, man. And having a 19-year-old daughter and being some superstar movie star. And, you know, from the fucking Matrix and so many goddamn movies. King of New York. Remember him at King of New York? How good was he in that fucking movie?

That was a great movie, man. When he walks in, he starts giving the kids money at the shop. And he's throwing them all in here. Honey, you go by yourself. This is shit. He was crazy. No, no, no, no, man. When he walks in, he starts giving the kids money at the shop. He's throwing them all in here. Honey, you go buy yourself this shit. He was crazy. No, no, no, no, Doug. His movie was the Ike Turner. That was his movie.

Oh, yeah. That was his movie. Him and her. Him and her. Boat you to fucking one. What is he doing, man? Is he doing a TV show or something now? What is he doing?

He's probably got 150 G a week on CSI. Is he doing that, CSI? It almost seems like those guys that get to a certain age just want to, let me just take a show in town. I live at home. I live in New York, wherever city we're doing this in. I have a house. Enough all this flying somewhere for three months and going somewhere else for four months.

Some of the guys do it. Kevin James, man, he uproots every six months or so, goes live somewhere for a few months. It's tough. Yeah, when I did that Zookeeper movie with him, he's got this suite in Boston in a hotel. It's like his apartment. He's been there for months. I can see doing it too, like going from movies to a TV show.

Go like, let me do this just for a few years. Let me just relax for a few years. TV shows are the best gig in town, man. When I did news radio, if you're into acting, if you want to be an actor, that's the best gig in town. Once you get it down to a science, like once news radio got down to a science we really only worked four days a week wow you know and we filmed one of them and we would take a day off and once the writers got really in tune you know they would come out with killer scripts like on the first go like when you get in like third and fourth season

everything becomes like a smooth machine you know you know how to do it and those are those are the best gigs man you don't have to go nowhere dave foley used to always say that he used to always say this is the best gig and show business don't ever forget it this is the best gig and show business that poor fuck he's been twittering lately he's been tweeting lately about his uh first wife he's uh he's not making money these days not making much money and his wife um took him to court for alimony and the the judge ordered that he pay three times his monthly salary what he makes a month right now he has to pay his wife three times that and the judge said that his obligation to pay is not related to his ability to pay like he has an obligation to pay and it has

no bearing on his ability to pay and they won't make an adjustment this is like in ottawa you know in canada they got some wacky laws up there because i remember when he got divorced it was nuts man when he first got divorced when we were on news radio and his he was making a ton of money and his wife had access to his finances for a year because what happens is in in canada the laws are totally different where you know for one year you can't get divorced you have to be separated for one year before they allow you to get divorced which is crazy wow i don't know divorced. You have to be separated for one year before they allow you to get divorced, which is crazy. I don't know if they're trying to keep families together or what, but in Dave's case, it was worst case scenario. So here's the wife with money, and she's traveling all over the world with his money, buying furniture, going off.

I remember he had to go to Egypt, so he had to take all this malaria medication, and he lost his marbles once. He got hammered. We were at one of these press parties and shit, he's on malaria medication which apparently does not mix well with vodka which he was drinking and he was just like out of his head man he took some reporter's tape recorder and stuck it in his drink and he doesn't even remember doing it he was just like hallucinating and shit like malaria medicine is no no fucking joke man but the whole thing is just it highlights another thing about how crazy marriage is, man. How he hasn't been with this woman in a long time.

They still owes her. Yeah, not just owes her. Ows her exorbitant amounts of money. He's responsible for maintaining her lifestyle even though his lifestyle is not the same anymore. He's connected to her even though he's not in her life anymore. I've heard that story before where it's like I don't make as as much income but I still owe them based on what I used to. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck.

It's crazy, man. It is not set up for you, dude. It's not set up for you. It's set up to make sure that the woman doesn't get fucked over. But in so doing, they've set it up

so the man gets fucked over sometimes. Sometimes it's good because some dudes are douchebags and they don't want to pay for their kids. Fuck them. They should be paying money.

They hide money. Child support is different totally different than alimony but al you know look i have another friend who got married he was married for over 15 years i believe it was before he got divorced he had no prenup he has to pay his ex-wife alimony for the rest of her life wow forever and it's a lot of money Because he was wealthy He was very wealthy So he is paying her stupid amounts of money So it just drives him nuts And he can't live the way he wants to live Even though he makes good money

He doesn't make as much money as he used to But he makes a lot of money But he can't live the way he wants to Because he has this giant nut he has to pay He has to pay every month Giant, crazy Just thousands and thousands and thousands The numbers are just

flying into this chick's bank account as you're writing that check you're getting dizzy oh he gets dizzy talking about it fucking dizzy you know i'm saying his lips quiver man when he talks about it his lips quiver when he'll tell you about it natural lips quiver and he's married now and he's got he's got kids and shit please still he still has to pay mad mad loot you look at that fucking knife once a month. It's like a venereal disease. It's crazy. And the only way, it's not like you can get, like, listen, how about I just give you $2

million and we don't talk ever again? Fuck no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm stretching it out like juice. No, it's a million a year, three million a year, whatever the fuck it is. I'm stretching it. And it keeps going forever. It's like Visa.

And miss a month and see what the fuck happens. Good luck. Miss a month. What are you doing, Artie? What do you got there, fella? It's an ant. I'm playing with an ant. Oh. This is fucking crazy. And miss a month to see what the fuck happened good luck some money Isn't it funny that you could crush that ant and throw it on the floor and I wouldn't even think you're being rude But if you killed a rat and threw it on the floor, I'd be like, hey, dude clean that up Yeah, a little tiny baby ant. I'm like, I don't care about that little ant body on my

Significant but it was bigger. It was a big giant beetle and you stomped on it then i'd have to clean it up it's all relative bitches it's all relative and with the music provided by joey beatbox diaz we will bring you to the conclusion of this podcast ari shafir show tonight at the improv used to be in the improv lab but it got too strong when things are moving up like the jefferson's motherfucker you know i what I'm saying? Like the Jeffersons. So these stories will be taking place. If I can sneak out of the house, I'm going to go there as well. Redband, follow him on Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N.

Ari Shafir, follow him on Twitter. Mad Flavor is Joey Diaz. He will be at the show tonight. Twitter, Facebook, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. Stay black. We got it going on, the fucking show tomorrow night. Thank you to the podcast. New Year's. check yourself before you wreck yourself big dicks in your ass is bad for your health stay black we got it going on the fucking show tomorrow night

thank you to the pod thank you to the fleshlight for supporting our show click on the link use the promo code rogan and you get 15% off your fleshlight Duncan Trussell and I are in Montreal at the Comedy Works

mad sold out 4 months in advance. Sorry. You can't get tickets. Hell no. But you can see me, Joe Diaz. Ari Shafir, what are you doing February 4th, Super Bowl weekend? Merry Christmas, bitches. Happy New Year.

Ari Shafir is on the show as well. That's how we book shit with the Death Squad. Stay black. The most important thing you should ever get out of this podcast, ladies and gentlemen, is you see the circle of friends we surround ourselves with, a bunch of cool, positive people. You can have this too if you are one of those and you bring in people like that you'd get together a tight-knit group of bad motherfuckers and your life could be a masterpiece okay or just have good weed and people good people good people positive energy you attract this shit this is like the secret look at what we've attracted

to design this fucking show i am thankful if i'm thankful for anything i have bad motherfuckers for friends my friends give me some knuckles you bitches i love you guys i love you people out there all you bitches i love all you bitches i love all 211 000 twitter friends 53 000 facebook friends i even love you fucking weirdos that are still on myspace myspaceSpace is making a comeback, Joe Rogan. MySpace is making a comeback. I don't give a fuck what they say. Tomorrow night, Cliffy B. What time is it, Brian? It's going to be around 3 o'clock-ish.

3 o'clock-ish. We're going to do the Cliffy B podcast tomorrow night. Cliffy B from Epic Games. Tomorrow night, Bray Improv. He's going to give us some scoops about Gears of War and Unreal Tournament and all kinds of crazy shit. And perhaps we'll even play some video games. Brian's got shit set up.

It's going to be crazy. All right. That's it. That's the end of the show. I love you, bitches. See you guys. Bye. We'll be right back. We'll be so happy together tonight. I apologize.

I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize.