The Joe Rogan Experience - #600 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: January 13, 2015

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and hosts his own podcasts “Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank” available on Spotify. He also has a new special premiering on Comedy Central, January 16th, 2015 at 11:59pm called "Ari Shaffir: Paid Regular" http://arishaffir.com

I'm ready, Jimmy. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch says do mushrooms on it and you can get this at ari the great.com uh-huh that's that's my tour this year it's the do mushrooms tour it's a good tour it's a good name it's a good message it's a it's a it's a good thing you're doing you're doing the lord's work yeah i'm trying to get the word out for the lord's product you're doing the lord's work if there's anyone who's ever been doing the lord's work it's the man who invented shroomfest how many people by the way worldwide participate in shroomfest every year i heard it was over a billion is that true mr shafir it? That's the last stats I saw

were over a billion We're doing fairly well in that regard God, it's like how many billions are there? Definitely that's not most of them, but we're getting there There's 7 billion people and out of the 7 billion people on earth 1 billion every year participate in Shroomfest You know, this year it's August 29th, 30th, and 31st

Is it really? Yeah So you give it three days? Yeah. Saturday, Sunday, Monday. What's ideally for the average shroomer? How many trips do they do in those three days? Oh, one.

Just one big one? Yeah, find a time to do it. Oh, just one? Yeah. Only one? Yeah. You don't like to do multiple on a weekend? I have done that.

This last Shroom Fest, we just kept taking them. Just three days, just in the cabin, just fucking going. Did you ever worry about being that dude from Pink Floyd that never comes back? No, I stopped worrying about that. You stopped worrying? There's only barely any guys I've ever seen like that. Barely any? Yeah.

I don't know if it's from that or just mild schizophrenia. There's always that, right? Yeah. The real problem is what if you have mental illness plus psychedelics? If you're just a totally normal person, you have normal balanced levels of whatever hormones you had. But then you take psychedelics. If you're prone to that, to schizophrenia, that's the only time I'd be like, then don't. If you have it in your family, maybe don't.

Yeah, I would say if reality is at all slippery, just hold off on that. If you barely hold on, it's like, I'm real. Get yourself a good foundation. I would say if reality is at all slippery, just hold off on that. If you barely hold on, it's like, I really... Get yourself a good foundation. But then there's the other problem is if you take a lot of the drugs that people take, like even antidepressants, you're not supposed to ever take mushrooms when you're taking those. Nope, not true. There's different kinds of antidepressants.

Really? Ask your doctor. I asked mine. Ah, ask your doctor. I asked mine. Yeah. With your doctor. I asked mine. Yeah. With Ari Shafir. Doctors are here for you.

Just tell them what you're doing. And then they'll help you like medically through that. Okay, so. So I asked him about, hey, I heard this thing about. About MOAI inhibitors. Uh-huh. And SSRI inhibitors.

Mm-hmm. So I'm like, I heard mushrooms counteract badly with those. And he goes, and I don't know which one's which, but he goes, no, that's that one.

You're taking this type of antidepressant medication. Oh, okay. So it wouldn't interfere at all. Okay. So you really should ask your doctor and find out whether or not it's an issue. Yeah. So with you, it was zero issue at all? Yeah.

He goes, no, not a thing. Oh, that's great. It's like sometimes they tell you not to take antibiotics and you have to say why. Right. And they go, because if the antibiotics won't work anymore, then I won't drink. But if it's just going to make drinking awesome, then I'm going to drink. Well, I've heard people that are talking about

taking MAOIs, monoamine oxidase inhibitors, and taking those with anything like, anything dimethyltryptamine based, whether it's ayahuasca or DMT or anything along those lines, and it becomes like really potent to the point where it's dangerously potent.

Oh, really? Yeah, I think chemical MAOIs, I'm saying it fucked up, MAOIs, monoamine oxidase inhibitors. I didn't know that. The pharmaceutical versions of it are extremely strong. They're really strong. And you're not supposed to take anything DMT-based with them because that's the whole basis of ayahuasca

is a natural MAOI inhibitor, which is called harmin, mixed in with the leaves that have the DMT. That's why you can take it in through drinking it. Sometimes those things that flood your brains with like it's almost like the inhibitor shut off so it floods your brains you get super happy like ecstasy or some things like that and then that all drops out and then you're like oh I need right your body sort of stops producing dopamine depletion and shit

like that yeah there will the experiment mean, Tim Ferriss has this statement or this saying, which is a really good saying, is that there are no biological free lunches, you know, and that everything has a price. Like, you drink coffee, then you crash. You know, you take speed, then you come down. You know, you drink alcohol, you feel great, then you're hungover. It's like, in order to achieve these hyper- natural states. There's some sort of consequence is vacuum vacuums can exist, right? Yeah, there's like there's a pull and a push and there's like there's something going on every time you do something that fucks with your consciousness

It's just the idea is finding like what does the least amount of damage and the most amount of benefit? Yeah, it's fun Exactly I'm gonna get fucked up. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm going to get fucked up. What's it going to be on? Yeah. Should I go meth or should I pull it back? Well, there's a lot of people that are like, I am not going through this fucking thing sober.

Oh, no. Why would you? Not doing it. Not interested. Live with all that at all times. Not doing it. Thank you, sir. You have met my mother and father-in-law?

No, thank you. I will be fucked up for this. This is not a ride that you should take seriously. This is a ride you should be sober only when necessary. Only when, like, are you doing surgery? Yeah, you should be sober. Are you going to Disneyland? Why are you sober?

Why sober for this? What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Are you going to somehow or another make a terrible decision when you're on the teapot? I went, yeah. Are you spinning around? The teacups, those things, are you spinning around? So they don't serve alcohol at Disneyland, huh?

Well, they have alcohol at California Adventure. Oh, and they have the outside place with all the bars. Mm-hmm. Yeah, which is like downtown Disney. They have alcohol there. Like regular restaurants. It's not like Mormon alcohol where it's like 2% beer. Technically alcohol.

It's real alcohol. They have real alcohol. But inside Disneyland, there's apparently only one place where you can get alcohol, and it's this place that's above Pirates of the Caribbean, and you have to pay like some insane amount of like yearly money to be able to go there?

Yeah, you have to spend a shit load of money. It costs like 25 grand to join or something. to be a member? Yeah, what is that?

It's more than that. What is that shit called? Club 33 or something like that? Yeah, something along those lines. It's like CEOs of companies. Yeah.

Didn't Dice have Club 43 in his basement or something? He wouldn't tell anybody why he called it that? Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I finally figured it out. Hmm. I don't remember.

You gotta know what it is. It's 18 more. Oh! Like your big fat fucking ass. Oh! Dude, you know what I was talking about? Somebody, your Diaz impression is one of the best around. And I forgot about it.

We used to have Diaz offs at like the Brea Improv. These fucking SoCal Mexican comics thought they had great Diaz. And you're like, let's do it. At the end of your headliner set. Do you remember that? Yes. But that guy beat me. He beat me.

His Diaz was better. Yeah. His mannerisms were awesome. Silent Bob. Silent Bob. He got me. He got me. My voice might have been a His mannerisms were awesome. Silent Bob? He got me. He got me. My voice might have been a little bit better. A little bit more exact. He also did the hand thing where it was like this weird...

Well he was also, yeah. He was just in the groove. He nailed it. The hand thing. The coke hand. What do you mean? Bring people over to the open mic. He goes, next up. And he's just like doing that open shut, open shut. This is weird. You're like, next up what? He's also just having fun open shot, open shot. Yeah. Next up what? Well, he's also just having fun. Oh, this guy.

Yeah. That's the Joey Diaz mannerisms. He had the mannerisms down. I had a voice. My voice was probably a little bit better than his, but he overwhelmed me with his mannerisms. He took the title. What am I going to say?

Yeah, I forgot who won. I really forgot who won. Yeah, he beat me. I gave it to him. I said he won. I mean, i gave it to him i said he won i mean i gave it up i said that's better his is better yeah you know what stuff he says though that sounds like stuff he would say i guess that guy did too well so yeah maybe it's just he you can beat him up yeah he deserves to win i forgot about that he's the joey's the greatest guy that's ever walked the face of the planet. Are these 3D glasses kind of tripping you out a little?

A little. You have a lot behind you, Joe, so it's... A little. Yeah, the lava lamp is fucking weird. Yeah. The reason why we're wearing these shirts, Ari Shaffir has these 3D... They're why we're wearing these shirts. Why we're wearing these goggles, these glasses,

these fucking ridiculous paper glasses we're wearing. Ari has these new T-shirts, and if you wear these glasses, these T-shirts look three-dimensional. It's weird that no one's ever figured out a way to make 3D work without glasses. Oh, yeah. They have. But you go to the movies, you always have glasses. Yeah, just make the fucking screen, a 3D movie for all time.

3D movie screen. Yeah, but even those 3D screens, you have to wear glasses yeah no bullshit shouldn't have to like the nintendo like the nintendo i'm sorry we live in a horrible our lives are worth in ethiopia the nintendo 3ds is an example of a small screen that you don't need uh glasses and they do have small monitors that how good is it it's have you used it getting there is it better is it better than the game boy graphics it's's just Game Boy by 3D. Oh. Okay.

Like, when you go to see, like, top-level 3D, like Avatar. Avatar was the best. Amazing. Who did I see that with? Father. At the fucking, that one place in the valley. Like that opening scene where the dude is floating around, where they're all in that 3D floating around space.

Remember? When they're coming out of their pods. Yeah. And floating yeah yeah oh whoa it was like the greatest 3D of all time yeah you're like wow and the islands the floating islands were like what the the floating island I forgot about that you can't do that without glasses right not to that point yet not to that point I mean it's still kind of small screens and not as good. Last I checked. Isn't it interesting that somebody even figured out how to do that? How to do it.

Yeah, separate the red and the blue. Fuck. Yeah. You figured out how to make people look like they're floating in front of you, give this extra dimensional aspect to what you're watching. I remember the olden days when they had those spaceship movie 3Ds. Like when I was like a movie 3ds like when i was like a young teen like 14 12 something like that and i would the ships would come over you and

you'd be like what the yeah you have to lean back to avoid it i want that 3d none of that they didn't give you now avatar is great everything else is garbage could you imagine if life was 3d it is that's 3d in this really weird freaky way where like you see a car accident a mile away and all of a sudden it's in your face yeah it was like a couple of good 3d movies that would that slow motion movie was good in 3D. What movie was that? The dude's Judge Dredd or something. Sin City? No, it was like super slow motion. They gave people the drug they were giving out was slow-mo.

So they give them slow-mo and then dump them off this fucking giant roof and they die in like an hour and a half. Oh, God. Taking the fall. Slow-mo. And then Jackass 3D. That Avatar. Those are the only three movies that I've ever like, fuck yeah, 3D here works.

Avatar was insane. Avatar was insane. When they were flying, when they were on those dragons flying around and it was in 3D, you're like, wow. It was like your mouth is open. Just, God, it's incredible. Yeah. It's glorious. Was Godzilla good in 3D?

I never saw Godzilla. All these movies do five at the beginning and three at the end. That's all they do. And they give you garbage up front. Recycle this when you're done with it. Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm breaking it right in front of them.

So they know. That's what I do now. I'm like, let John Lowe's know. This isn't acceptable anymore. This movie's bad. You can't tell us it's 3D as we're going in and saying it's going to be like $4.50. And then fucking nothing. Five at the beginning, three at the end. That's all then fucking nothing. Five at the beginning, three at the end.

That's all they give you. Five at the beginning, three at the end. Five minutes at the beginning of 3D and then at the end, so you go on your way out. They'll throw some garbage at you. Like, oh, remember it's 3D? No 3D the whole way.

You forget it because you watched the movie. Not even like atmosphere 3D? Nothing. Just where it feels like depth? Nothing. It's stupid. They're just robbing you. It was a little they added it

later with the canyons and the big bug and the electrical nuclear power supply there was a few moments with the 3d the falling of cranes where and what godzilla zilla yeah the only problem with godzilla was spoiler alert spoiler if you've never seen god too late too late you're too late shut your car off on the highway right what don't you know about godzilla it's a godzilla oh yeah shut the power off on your stereo on your car kind of spoiler king kong for somebody here's the spoiler alert king kong loses in every movie. Every movie. Every movie. He never wins. He never fucking wins. They should do a fight club type

King Kong where he just fucking starts dominating and gets right off the statue of whatever he's on. Empire State Building and just goes and fucking smashes and shit. That's what's up. Goes underground. Do you really think our puny bullets can penetrate the fucking Great Kong? Did Godzilla ever fight King Kong? Well, yeah, but it doesn't make any sense.

It can't make any sense. Well, they had to change the sizes. Yeah, Godzilla was so much bigger. King Kong was only 50 feet tall. Godzilla was 500 feet tall. That's fucking retarded. Yeah, but King Kong has black people's strength. How dare you?

That overwhelms the bigger Asian. How dare you? Who would you the bigger Asian. How dare you? Who would you take in a fight, a big Asian or a little black guy? He's not an Asian, and he's not a black person. He's a gorilla, and that's a lizard. Fuck you. Oh, my God. I just became a social justice warrior.

I give in. You fought for the right of freedom. I'm on the wrong side. I realize being friends with you, Shafir, I'm on the wrong side. Black people's strength, King Kong. That's not a person. It's a fucking gorilla. How else do you justify that he fought even in that fight?

Well, because it was a fucking Japanese production. Oh, yeah. It didn't make any sense. King Kong didn't even look like King Kong. If you had that King Kong and the real King Kong in a lineup, people would really be able to distinguish between the two of them. They'd be like, that is not the guy that fucked me. It's the guy on the right, the little short dude, the 50-foot

guy. I don't know that 500-foot tall dude. Who the fuck is he? Where did he come from? He's 10 times bigger than that other dude I know. Could he just swim across the ocean? That guy's way bigger than the guy I know. Get the fuck out of here. He was as big as Godzilla. Did he get hit with radiation or anything? No explanation

whatsoever. Just they want you to be stupid because it's 1962 or whatever the fuck it was when they made that movie. There was no thinking about it. What are you looking at? I'm looking at a picture right now. It's so hilarious of King Kong versus Godzilla. Yeah, they're fighting over a giant. Because King Kong looks just like, it looks ridiculous.

Oh, I've watched him, him dude when i was a kid i loved king kong i love king kong and my cousin mike loved godzilla we even got into fisticuffs at one juncture no way over what what was better versus godzilla who would win yeah that was before they had that movie or you both agree that movie we were both six or whatever the we were five we probably were five yeah we were arguing going knuckles up over who would win godzilla versus team we were literally children we totally fought yeah god that's why yeah i was always on godzilla's side i was always on god that's interesting when i moved to new york i finally realized like any sort of racism like

any fear-based racism like i'm afraid of black people, just became, oh, I'm just afraid of the youth. Anyone young, they're just rowdy and they're pushy or they just shove. They're more likely to shove and say something like, settle down, young man. We were, yeah, we were talking about that in the previous podcast. We were talking about the scariest thing. My friend, Eric, Eric Crisp of Sugar Tree Q's, I think you met him before. Eric Crisp, maybe. What city? He's a Q maker. What think you met him before. Eric Crisp? Maybe.

What city? He's a Q maker. What city? He lives in New Mexico. Okay. He said that teenage boys are the scariest thing on earth. Yeah.

They don't know limits. And they're getting strong. Yeah. And they're like real cocky. They're just coming into their bodies overwhelmed with like testosterone. Just like... Rage.

And a lot of their versions of the world are based on movies. Yeah. I'll fuck you up. Come to me that way. I'll die for that. Really?

17-year-old? I think you will. They say shit that makes you realize, like, oh, you're just a child. You're just a little boy who's, like, six feet tall. You're this... Yeah, exactly. They don't know anything. You're 16 years old, and you're really strong, but you're out there running through the world like a big baby almost.

You know? Unsupervised baby. No, big, strong, unsupervised baby who's just learning. America's the best. That's why. Fucking fight. It's because America's the best, right? America's the best.

This one guy said it wasn't. I fucking beat the shit out of him. That bitch swallowed his teeth. He'll learn. Like, no, well, actually, he had a point that he was trying fucking beat the shit out of him. That bitch swallowed his teeth. He'll learn. Like, no, well, actually, he had a point that he was trying to make. No, fuck him. You didn't even hear his point out. The point.

America. Yeah. That's the world we live in, Ari Shaffir. Golly. It's tough. Tough to get it together. It's a goddamn mad race. We're all dealing with a big spreadsheet of genetics that was sort of formulated back when people were running.

You gotta just avoid them. Avoid them like barking dogs. It's hard. It's like, ugh, ugh, get out of here. It's in people's DNA, Ari. Yeah. We're trapped in some 10,000-year-old shit. Fight, murder, and rape.

And drug ourselves. Cold syrup. Did you ever get a hold of the real NyQuil? No You never got a hold of the real NyQuil? You never took it? No Oh man

Did it really fuck you up? Oh man I remember Look When I was on news radio Like in the late 90s No way I'd never done any drugs

I didn't do anything Oh yeah Eleanor always says that You're like Guys but it's not the way to the fucking top No bullshit, but um, but this was this Was wrong. Let's go the other way cuz I was wrong That's what I said about when I was still a virgin in college. My guys. It's the same as masturbating Sorry, it's not like it's the same as masturbating. They're like, Ari, it's not. I'm like, it's the same.

You orgasm. That's the same. It feels the same. And they're like, yeah, man. So wrong. That's so funny. It's so true. It feels considerably better.

What was I saying? How do you still like the purple stuff? No, no, no. No, don't make things up. Robitussin. Oh, Robitussin. Oh, yeah. No, it wasn't even Robitussin.

It was that other stuff. NyQuil. NyQuil. The real NyQuil. The real NyQuil with codeine. So I wasn't doing anything. Occasionally I would drink, but even then I would feel guilty. Very, very, very rarely would try weed.

You hung out in pools all the time? You never drank? Uh, not much. Wow. I didn't really drink. I was trying to be healthy, you know? That was like my thing. You were a fighter, too. You were all in't really drink i was trying to be healthy you know that was like you're a fighter too you're all just trying to be healthy okay i was just trying to not be a loser um i don't know what it is to be a loser but you're like don't just not be that

yeah well it's enough to scare off the wolves so you've never done drugs or alcohol pretty much okay i got sick and i just felt like total shit man i was just i got hit with the flu or whatever the fuck it was so i took some nyquil and i felt so good what was it relaxing i felt so good it's codeine man whatever it said to take i took more you know if it said to take like if you weigh like up to 170 pounds. I'm like, yeah, I weigh about 190. And I probably weighed, like, 169. I was lean, son. I didn't have much fatty tissue.

I took a full dose. You took a ladle. This NyQuil fucked me up. And I was deep in this pillow, this down pillow. And I felt so loved. Really? Oh, my pillow and i felt so loved really oh my god i felt so loved i felt like the universe is just just rubbing me with love wow i felt so good what was in it what's in that codeine codeine what's codeine what drug is codeine it's a good one that's a don't drug that's the drug it's what you used to take when you were a kid growing up before the you know like you

would take like one thing and you do it right before you go to bed. Oh, right. But where can I find that now? You can still get it. In what? How do they get it, Cody? Go to your doctor's office, cough it up a fake storm. If you've got bronchitis, you can get it.

You just need to start coughing, rough your throat up a little bit. And how do they give it to you now? Pill form or something? If you're going to turn your girlfriend into the cops... Drink? Like, if you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops... Drink it. If you're gonna turn your girlfriend into the cops for domestic abuse, you'd punch yourself in the face a few times. Oh, right, right. That's what you gotta do.

To get the codeine, you gotta raspy up your throat, man. You gotta fuck it up. You gotta cough a lot, and then go, this poor gentleman needs some codeine. It's usually way worse than this. I'm braved it out because of this doctor appointment. I'm barely breathing. And they hook you up with that.

I got prescribed for wisdom teeth out. And my doctor, both of them have done a really good job. So I was like not really worried about this one. He's like, if you need these, if I can answer. He goes, if you don't need them, I'm sure you can find maybe somebody. I don't know. I'm a comedian. I have multiple people telling me to tough it out.

Let's not say he said that. Let's say he allegedly said that. Let's say that. Someone who could track your dental records. Oh, God. It's like my friends did love it, though. Joe, you know that. They're like, you don't use those?

I'm like, never been into them. I'm like, well, you might be. That stuff you're talking about is what all the the like the celebrity kids mix with like you know red bull and like that and they drink it as a drink it's like called purple drink and stuff and that's all the all the like the biebers and stuff that get caught with like the bottles of that what are they drinking what is that what's the mixture syrup syrup scissor so that's what they're drinking codeine codeine it's usually mixed with like Mountain Dew or something like that Joey ranchers, there's a comedian. I'm not gonna name Wow don't you name names either you fuck

There's a comedian that used to have a real problem with NyQuil and club owners would have to buy him like container No way well and bring them to him. Yeah, and he would drink them like more than one I was at Duncan's a club owners how to break up He would bring them to him. Yeah. And he would drink them. Like more than one in a night. I would have said Duncan until he said Club Orange

had to bring them. That's not it. But Duncan was my first like I can see him having a problem with like well. It was a long time ago. Wow. It was a long time ago.

And that's why. They had to bring it for him. I'm not faulting this guy. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well you know he's a good comic.

Did he perform well on it? He's very good. I don't know. I don't think he was on it when I was on stage. I think it's one of those things where you know you want to like

fight the demons on it and so the night You need some sort of chemical protection Take the codeine rally need a fence around Fire you see that yeah fuck yeah, I did good moment. He came out. I was first in line Love those movies man the dragons and those hobbits were such cool dragons oh they're the best i rooted for him you always root for yourself elves are douchebags quit signing songs all the time idiot yeah good fight

way too happy with yourself yeah oh you're really good with the bone Yeah. Oh, you're really good with a bow and arrow. We're lovely. We're all lovely. I am death. That fucking dragon was so dope. The CGI they can do together. Really?

Oh my god. I don't know how many people are working together on that thing, but the CGI that they were able to concoct, what they're able to do. Does it look really good? Oh my god. It's so good. It looks like it's a real thing, and there's another real thing that it's interacting with. Like, the CGI is so good, especially with dragons,

because dragons aren't real. So you don't know what they really look like. Oh, right. You can't, like, use video in the wild. But if you look at, like, a dog, like, when they CGI dogs, it just looks slightly goofy. There's just a slight goofiness to it. Oh, yeah.

That they haven't totally overcome yet. But they've overcome it with dragons. And also with dinosaurs. Yeah, they don't move quite right. It's like, what are you doing with your fucking... Why are you walking like that, dog? I don't know. I think hair is a big one.

I think hair is tough to reproduce. I think they have a real hard time, like, making, like, accurate accurate looking ripples and stuff like that because it's all done with programs and they have to use all all these like various technologies to figure out how to shade things correctly and use the proper textures and it's like it's really really slowly yeah like it doesn't win like normal well you know clay guida couldn't be in the early UFC games because he wouldn't cut his hair. Couldn't get his hair down. So Clay Guida, his hair was so important to him

that he chose to not be in the early UFC games. Instead of cut it. Yeah, because he's like, I mean, I don't know if anybody ever. Just pull that hair, just yank it down during a fight. You're not allowed to. You're not allowed. You used to be able to do that In fact, who is Gracie use chemo's hair like it was a really important part of him

He's beating the shit out of him from his back and then he set up an armbar Wow But hoist was holding on to his ponytail like he had a grip on the back of his head Like it's ridiculous to give someone the ability to hold on to the back of your hair if that's, like, a part of fighting. Eric Paulson, he's another guy who got in a bad situation because the guy was grabbing his hair and punched him in the head. Like, you know, realize, like, oh, you can't have hair like this. If it's bad for a fight, it's easier to grab onto.

You have a handle on your head, son. It's like my bit about the fucking duck hunting guys, the duck dynasty guys and their beard Yeah, if someone wants to fuck your face, that's a goddamn handle right there This is the best way you gave them a handle to hold on to your mouth What are you trying to do? Leaving it open for me. Yeah, but what they can do it with with dinosaurs and they can do with dragons The first report got a great real Jurassic Park had a great the first dress apart fuck

You can't watch on TV. Now. You can't watch the TV because looks terrible on the screen. That was awesome Yeah, I saw the new trailer. Yeah, it looks amazing. Why would they go back there ever? Or is it a total reboot? Like I don't know I feel like a reboot like spider-man like they're going back. Are they going back and see it on that? There's like a map you can see the Quarantine zone like you're not supposed to go here Okay, I wish we could play that we could play on this TV trailer yeah play it on TV so good Yeah, oh, I hope it's in 3D because then we'll already be ready.

I don't think it will be. It definitely will not be. We're going to probably go blind by the end of the show. Probably. Does anybody feel uncomfortable or is it just me? It's a little bit uncomfortable. Maybe we should go without the glasses. So they're going back.

Can we get some volume? So we'll listen to this. Oh, Tweety Bird's over my head. Get out of listen to this oh you have two birds who put Tweety birds over his head that's rude if someone chases you or something ten years ago they were killing people don't joke about it well we joke about Hiroshima. That's true. So what we're watching, people that are listening at home, is a super dope yacht headed towards an island that is populated by... And this little fucking kid pushes it up front so he can just see.

Not everybody else is watching. Where's your dad, fuckface? Push it up front? Get out of here. Learn some manners, you little cunt. watching? Where's your dad, fuckface? Push it up front. Get out of here. Learn some manners, you little cunt. You white privileged little cis-privileged.

White privilege! White privilege! Cisgendered. Now they're in some balls. Little suppressive asshole. Now they're in these weird trains and pots and they're just casually strolling around dinosaurs. And then it's cereal.

Yeah, there's a shark suspended. And an impossibly huge dinosaur comes out of the water, eats the shark. Wow. And ruins everyone's iPhones. And you know what I realized when I look at that? You've got to feed that fucker a lot of sharks. How many sharks does that thing need to eat a day? A lot, probably. It's way bigger than the shark i doubt

they planned this that's some science shit somebody's super hot scientist for no reason unbelievable super hot with bangs who is that broad she's hot as fuck that guy's hot as fuck too this i would just wish this would turn into guardians of the Galaxy 2. I haven't seen the first one yet. Because you're an idiot. Oh, how dare you. It's a good movie. There's a handsome bastard right there. Also, deer hunter. Evacuate the island.

Look how pretty that girl is. Would you be willing to give it all up? The whole Hollywood dream? Just to be in her arms for the rest of your life? In harmony? Oh, God. Hollywood dream just to be in her arms for the rest of your life in harmony Every day What are you saying I don't like that she said run Ooh, I love the sound. Oh

Good lord the race and it gives the last wrap racing against Velociraptors. Whoa. And the Velociraptors are running away from what is Chase A. Ham. There's some crazy shit. A super dinosaur. It's a new super dinosaur. Yeah, like regular dinosaurs weren't funky enough. For sure, the giant one they fed the sharks to, that's coming back into play later. That's not going to only be a plot point they're going to hit once.

I disagree. Really? That could be it. Yeah plot point they're going to hit once. I disagree. Really? That could be it. Yeah, it's very possible that's it. I don't think it is. My bet said it's not. I think it's probably really expensive to film underwater shit. And they're like, look, if we could stick to the jungles, we could save about $75 million from the budget.

No way. They're going to do it all. This is a trick movie. Cameron has this underwater technology down pat. He's the only guy right now because of Avatar 2. And he's deep sea diving in the rig, right? Yeah, he is. Yeah, that's crazy.

He goes down like the bottom of the fucking ocean. He's setting records. Oh, Jesus Christ. What? Him. Think about him. The guy's nuts. He goes to the bottom of the ocean.

And he, like, innovates. He's like one of those guys that's involved in the innovation as far as, like, deep sea filming and exploration. He's going down in little one-man submarines and shit. Like, whew. Yeah. Oh. That's where he's going to die. He's going to die in one of those things.

Maybe not. Maybe not, though. Even more incredible. He gets through all this and he's fine. Yeah, you can see the depths of the fucking where no one has ever been. Look, he's got enough money to do it correctly god

I mean he's incredibly wealthy and incredibly smart do you think he has a wife that's like you should take me with you next time you don't think I want

to see that stuff that's how annoying his wife is he goes to the bottom of the ocean to get away from her could you imagine if that's what he said

can you imagine James Cameron why did you go to the bottom of the ocean because my wife won't shut the fuck up. I just can't. That was his post-game interview.

We're not saying it is, Mr. Cameron. Please, please don't hack our station. We're humble servants of the Lord. The Overlord Cameron. We love you. We love you. I'm a huge James Cameron fan. I love that fucking movie.

He does cool stuff. Not just that one. I love a million of his movies. What else has he done? God damn. We want to pull up his IMDb. They're making two sequels to Avatar, right? No way.

Yeah. Avatar 2 and Avatar 3. Is that what I read? Really? They're making two of them? Yeah. He's done so many movies, man. Yeah, he did Aliens, right?

And the Terminator movies. Yeah, he did the Terminator movies. Oh, wow. Terminator movies. That's right. All of them? And then he married the girl. Did he do the first one, too?

He married the girl from the Terminator movies, right? Bam. I'm going to fuck my star. Never find her that hot. What? How dare you? Please. I always thought she was just like there.

You get the fuck out. Take a lap. Take a lap. I'll stand by it. She's a date in six. Oh, she's so sexy. She's a survivor, bro. Three new Avatar movies.

Wow, three new? Yes. There's going to be bro. Three new Avatar movies. Wow, three new? So there's going to be four of them total? Yep. Damn. And two new Terminators. Motherfucker did Titanic, okay? Oh, yeah, Titanic. And Aliens.

You know, I had a problem with Aliens, and I still do. What's that? What's the problem? The only reason I have a problem with it is because I saw Alien. Mm-hmm. Aliens is all of a sudden they became dopey and easy to kill. Alien.

Because there are more of them. Yeah. Alien, the first one, he's incredibly smart and slick and avoiding people. Yeah.

And he finds a way to ambush you when you're not looking, you turn around, he's there. That's what they always do in the movies. They scale wrong.

Mm-hmm. So you can murder a thousand people trying to stop you, but then one guy, it's difficult. Unless that one alien was that bad of an ass. He was just born. He was a newborn with no one to teach him. The problem is... He had no one to teach him, right?

He's the one who escaped out of the fucking belly and ran off. Exactly. That's a good point. He's living on his own. That's beautiful. You're right. No one taught the little guy. On his own, he figured that out.

Maybe what we would do Fix the alien populations Get them together Like when they're really young And feed them only vegetables Oh you're right Turn them into vegans Little vegan aliens

Change them Change them Just give them beans Beans are fine There's a lot of protein Mr. Alien We have a bowl of beans It fucking slams its head

Into the door Trying to get at you Trying to kill you. You keep it in some sort of a cell. We have your beans. I'm trying to get this fucking get away from me. You fuck. You fuck.

God damn it. Slam against the wall. When are they going to be vegan? They should be vegan by now. It's been weeks. You go to try to get your, you retrieve your tray, and it's fucking teeth mark in in it big shark bites taken out why are you eating metal don't just be vegetables mr alien okay i'm not giving you anything but

mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes and yams and vegan butter cat escapes escape they just clawing at the blood bath clawing every day for 16 hours clawing at the door eventually they'll get calm with such a stereo just like okay they have to bring in engineers to figure out when they're going to get tired they don't seem to be getting tired they're gonna get bloodlustier give him some meat no it's all about the meat experience. I can't do it. I can't give them the meat. That would be a good sequel to Alien. Alien the vegan. Can you imagine something like Alien?

Just take one right out of the chest. It explodes into a tube. We have the tube set up on the guy's chest where you know he's going to give birth to the alien. Right when it breaks through, it breaks through into one of those vacuum things. The old mail slots? Yeah, the mail slots.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Those fucking things. That's the best way to get an abortion is stick your vagina in that. Jamie and I were looking at another warehouse space and one of the spaces, like podcast studio space, one of the spaces had one of those things in it. Still there?

He opened the cap, he sticks something in it, he closed it. Well, we don't know. Oh, yeah. I mean, we don't know if it worked, but they had a thing there. Wow. They had one of those fucking launcher things. Cool. And then people just knew it just went to the right place.

I guess there was a destination on the other end. Like, they had it planned out. The mail room? I't know i mean i don't i think it might have been the place that we were looking at they did all sorts of weird experiments so i don't know what the kind of weird they were doing inside there they were doing like missile technology yeah yeah we looked at like warehouses where they had previously done like missile technology they probably weren't even supposed to tell us that, right? Yeah. Probably those motherfuckers. They probably violated some sort of a constitutional amendment. We all start getting like knee cancer from just being there.

Knee cancer. Yeah, but they had a tube. They had one of those. Wow, that's fun. Yeah. God, I would stick my hand in all the time. Hold it back. Of course.

Eventually you'd have your dick in there right with a flashlight someone would just saw the bottom off a flashlight or unscrew it and just like pure suction oh yeah just all just suction someone's gonna do it like it's pulling you back in someone would definitely do it it might be built perfectly for it might be imagine if no one knew but then like you get like the standard like male slot vacuum thing and you put a flashlight to it and you're like

oh my god look at this shunk it just like locks in place like thunk like this this is like

it's like Indiana Jones where you like put the right thing into the wall and you turn the key to make it work oh but then the worst part about that

is after you come and we just shut up that fucking slot and someone else would just shoot into somebody's office. No. They just catch a fucking facial.

No, it goes right into the ocean and it feeds fish. It's biodegradable. Oh, this is all set up just for that. Totally. Oh, okay. You're building infrastructure. Yeah, it's in Malibu. It's the same house that they used to film Iron Man.

We're just coming on dolphins. Dolphins are swimming in it And loving it The vacuum tubes Leading out into the ocean Good lord Yeah if somebody came up With something like that Have you seen

The latest stuff They're doing with Oculus Rift They're doing Oculus Rift First person porn They're doing three dimensional Yeah virtual reality. And so you have stuff on you that's going to touch you

and stuff? Not yet. Right now, it's just you're watching it and you're watching it and it looks like you're actually doing it. Oh.

Yeah, but eventually they're going to be able to sync that up with something that stimulates your senses. You still haven't watched the South Park Oculus Rift episode,

have you? No, I have not. It's awesome. This whole season of South Park, it's an amazing season. held together don't don't watch one episode walk this is the first season where the whole season holds together as one it's like a movie they have through lines start at the beginning yes it's great i'm guilty of not watching enough south park i'm really guilty i need to get on it is it on Netflix, too? I don't know. It's on SouthParkStudios.com. Is it on Apple TV?

It's on Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus? Mm-hmm. It's probably on the Comedy Central. It's SouthParkStudios.com. Of there. Well, the Comedy Central, you use an HDMI to get it to you, or the Comedy Central Direct, or CCDirect.com?

No, but not even.com. Don't they have their own Apple TV? They have their own app. Oh, they have an app. So if you have an iPad or an iPhone, you just use that app. The UFC has an app now, too. If you go on Apple TV, yeah, they have an app. If you go on Apple TV, you can go to the UFC.tv.

You can go and watch Fight Pass. Okay. Yeah, Fight Pass is available on Apple TV. And you can watch fights like that? Yeah, dude, I was watching the other day. I was bored, and I just said, let me just watch some old fights. And I watched like two hours of old fights. I just kept choosing different fights.

Yeah, we were Renazisis. All those old, they each have their own symbol, whatever, on the, whatever the fucking device is. I haven't watched TV on a regular TV in forever. What do they have those things up there where you can go to the Netflix one, the FX, and... Oh, like little icons you click? Yeah, yeah, and because they all just have their live HBO go they all have their own live Feed and you just Apple TV it into the TV Apple TV is incredible The other thing is live sports, but now that they've got that you can watch live Fox live CBS. It's eventually gonna happen

It's I mean, why wouldn't they just get what you want to get? Don't get it. You don't want to get it's have it all available to everyone. The regular television network is going to be obsolete. There's almost no way around it. It's just too difficult to support that sort of model when someone can do something like Netflix where they can have the entire season up in advance. In advance. When you're ready, here it all is.

This is Marco Polo's show I'm watching. Have you seen it? It's on Netflix. I've heard of it. It's fucking good, dude. And the entire season is in advance. You just download the whole season. You watch, you get binge watch from the jump.

I mean, it's fucking great. They've got a good model. Ah, they're so, they're killing it. But they have like some insane amount of people that have subscribed. Yeah, because they keep putting out good products. They're selling worldwide and 70 million people paying seven bucks a month. That's a lot of fucking people, man. That's a lot.

That's insane. The money's insane. Yeah, they keep putting it back into like making new shows and stuff. Yeah, it's amazing. Game of cards. House of cards.

And also stand-up specials. Uh-huh. They're great for stand-up specials. Netflix, my very first one, my first legit one was I did it for Netflix then put it on Showtime

That was 2005 That was old Netflix They were always doing things like that though They've done a lot The Bill Burr one they did The black and white one from Atlanta And my special can be seen this Friday Oh shit

On Comedy Central Friday night at midnight 11pm if you're in the middle zones But you can get it right now right? you can get it right now, right? You can get it right now. Go to AriShafir.com, AriTheGreat.com. Wait. What are you saying?

It's right there. It's available right now for download. Hold on. What don't you understand? Hold on. Okay, hold on. Let's back up. I'm trying to tell me that you can get your special right now at AriTheGreat.com.

It's not even been on Comedy Central yet. That's right. It's not even been on Comedy Central yet. That's right. It's not even been on Comedy Central. And you'll get the bigger version, the 30 extra minutes. That is fucking outrageous. And a G&A. Yes.

What? Yeah. The G&A is one of the funnest things. That is outrageous. Have you ever seen the G&A? No. Yeah, of course I have, man.

I've been there. A million times. The back of the comedy store? Yeah. Ask a Jew a question? Ask a Jew a question. Yeah. That's just fun.

I was there before it was a Jew and A. Yeah, before somebody came up with, like, Jew and A. That's short, Q&A Jew and A. Yeah. It was weird watching you film that there. That was one of the first days I ever came back. Yeah. I came back the day before that to watch the roast battle.

I like how you said, I don't make a big deal deal your special. Let me just get it out of the way now Yeah, yeah, I wanted it to be I wanted to be I wanted just to see you special take it in Not as someone like I can't believe I'm at the store the very first time back right years and I'm seeing re special Being filmed. I wanted to get that out of the way So I got that out of the way first and I just um, it was so weird seeing you up there doing your special, like killing it. Oh, thanks. It was weird. Why weird?

Well, not weird, like unexpected. Just surreal in so many different ways. Knowing you as long as I've known you. Knowing you when you really first started doing stand-up. And you watched me on that stage, fucking as a terrible new comic as a smart open mic that had potential that's that's that's what i thought super green anyway yeah but i thought you'd be fine i i remember um the moment i first started talking to you i was like this guy can do it i'm like all you have to do is just keep going like this i knew you were smart and you were funny and, you know, you were young and we were all young and awkward.

But you were, you had an idea. Like, if you had an idea, you could say, we could be all talking and you would say something and people would go, yeah. You know, and that's all you need. That's all you need. And then you have to be able to draw from that. Exactly. Yeah. But I knew you were smart and I knew you were, you I knew you were pretty driven to be a stand-up comic.

Like, you really wanted it. I knew you were going to make it. I knew you were going to make it. It was just one of those things. I didn't. You couldn't. No, no. No, no one can.

I mean, that's just what it's all about. I mean, that's also part of what drives you to put in the work that takes you to make it. We all know guys that started out at the same time as you that were really talented that are gone like you were yeah they had the same like kind of potential that you had you know there's a lot of them i don't even want to mention names because i want to hear them i don't want them to hear this podcast to be bummed out all right things went on they didn't go on to become professional comedians even they just kind of got a job somewhere and they never figured out how to follow through but there's a few guys that we could talk about off air they

were like really god damn good they were really good yeah running in to watch their sets but i think that's for the for the guys who do get through it's a stern warning like don't don't think you're special like don't think you can ever relax don't think you can ever take time off of analyzing what you're doing and making sure that you're doing it right yeah don't think you can ever relax don't think you can ever take time off of analyzing what you're doing and making sure that you're doing it right yeah don't take it for granted don't take the audience for granted ever don't you know just well every level of development somebody's dropped off so even somebody's like how to hit you know special and then it's like then they drop off there someone else has a one good open mic joke and drop off there like at every level you're

gonna have a have however many people 10 people at that level and it's going to drop off there. Like, at every level, you're going to have however many people, ten people at that level, and it's going to drop off to three that make it to the next level. We can all crash and burn. Yeah. You know, one of the things that's really excited me, one of the things

that's really excited me about being back at the Comedy Store and also, like, deciding that I'm going to stay in L.A. for a while is that, like, this area that we have now,

like, the amount of, uh like cool places to work amount of cool comics amount of funny guys that are in this area that we're at right now yeah this is really rare this is really this is a rare spot man yeah you know we were doing we've done some of these shows at the ice house the last one we did i think it was you and Bill Burr and Joey Diaz and Brian Callen and Ian Edwards. And we're sitting around, and I was like, this is the fucking most murderous lineup I've ever seen in my life. Nothing on a Wednesday. And we all live here, you know? We all drive here on a Wednesday night to hug each other, smoke some joints, you know?

And Brian's doing the Ice House Chronicles, he's getting millions of downloads out of the same spot. Yeah. You're going up there and you're killing it in front of this crazy

Pasadena crowd too. They know about comedy. These are crazy shows, man. I mean, these are shows that are just like... Yeah, me and Metzger always get into a fight

over like LA or New York who has better comics. But then I always point to guys like Bird. It's like, you developed their best ones and then shipped them off to us. So we're the Yankees. We have the best team. There's no best. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's all bullshit. The idea of arguing about that, there's two good environments for stand-up. I think one of the advantages that you have, coming from the LA model, which is less clubs, less sets, to the New York model, which is more clubs, more sets, more travel, you're hopping back and forth from club to club, is that you're coming from two different perspectives. Yeah, I like them both. There's weaknesses that each one has, and they just can deal with it because they're used to that scene. Yeah, I feel like your jokes per, your laughs per

joke, the tightness of your joke has become cleaner since you went to New York. Yeah, in New York there's a lot of like, come on, come on, get to it, get to it. Yeah, I think that's a good thing to have. But then also center it with something else where it's not all about like an ironic level of just, here's my writing joke.

You know? They have a lot of that where it's not so much truthful, it's more like, here's a good joke about a thing. Well? Yeah. They have a lot of that where it's not so much truthful. It's more like, here's a good joke about a thing. Well, what I was going to say is I think that the combination of what you've brought from your experience in L.A. and on the road

and then going to New York, that's a good mixture. And I think that ultimately that that's all you could want as a comic is like, I think one of the things that's really important for all of us,

that seems to be important when I watch other people do it, when I'm outside of it, is life experiences equal funny, equals perspective, equals funny. Like the more experiences you have in your life, the more material you're going to have. Yeah. You know, and I mean experiences like go do something.

Like go somewhere. Go do something, yeah. Go do something. Go try something out. Like Bill Burr's bit about being a helicopter pilot. Yeah. Have you ever seen that bit? He's got this new bit on special about learning how to fly a helicopter.

I'm not saying anything more because it's just that fucking good. I don't want to ruin any of it. I won't ruin it by saying the word helicopter, so I'll leave it at that. But it's one of my all-time favorite bits. And it's a bit that he developed by actually doing that, by actually learning how to fly a helicopter and he actually can fly so i think that doing he's got a dog he had that great pitbull joke but like watch people cross the street yeah he's coming at them like yeah like the power

he's got a lot of great jokes but it's it's living a little yeah yeah living experiencing life doing that too yeah it's a whole different scene in New York. Not just like the comics, but I'm talking about the girls, the bars, and the way you walk instead of drive. Yeah, just a new experience in general. Like, get your fucking mind moving. It gets everything fired up in a new way. And, I mean, even if you don't want to move somewhere, I mean, try jujitsu.

Do something weird. Take different routes of work every day. Try surfing. Learn how to surf. Take a fucking lesson. Get out there in the fucking shark infested waters of Santa Monica Swim for your life boy swim for your life your toes are in the water dum dum dum dum dum dum dum

Statistically I worked this out in ten countries This material oh, that's interesting, man. Went to a bunch of different places and tried it as much as I could. Well, you did a lot of comedy in China, and we talked about the last time you were here with all that gutter oil stuff. Was that the last time I was here in June? July, when I got back? Was that the last time?

I think so. Man. You might have been here in between. It's hard to tell. Oh, yeah, maybe. Oh, maybe when I was here to tape a special. Could be, yeah. Yeah, I think you were. But doing comedy there for a specific type of people,

it's like, oh, interesting. All right, some stuff works, some stuff doesn't. Do they just go to see anybody who comes there every week? Yeah. No, but a lot of them would. They'll read this comic's in town. People seem to like him. They'll be like, oh, maybe I'll go.

Well, it is pretty cool if you're in a spot, if someone figures out a way to get really good comics to fly out all the way to singapore yeah absolutely form in front of you like that's got to be pretty fun yeah brent weinbach just got back they loved him yeah it's funny dude so weird and funny yeah he's very funny though i really enjoy watching him yeah it's still outside the box what we're saying is like this is a great time there's so many there's so many good comics right now this is like maybe the best time of all time there's a bunch of good people doing good stuff you're like yeah cool man cool yeah like if you take yourself out of the mix yeah take yourself out and then judge and then look at the system like the good shows there's so many shows and

there's also like these a bit the ability to promote oneself through the internet has gotten to this point where you get to know people that you might have, like, you know, we've talked about many times about Robin Harris, who was a really funny black comic back in the 90s. He died before anybody got to know who he was. But he didn't really have the distribution. He was in, like, a couple of movies.

He did, like, a little bit of, he had a CD called Baby Ace Kids. Yeah, but he was just so goddamn good, man, at the time. But for whatever reason reason the distribution method just wasn't available for him at the time and it's it's available now It's way better. That's available now. You can just find your that's why there's no over there Brian. What are you doing? I was just trying to get my sweatshirt That's why there's no giant bands anymore looks like you're on fire because you don't need a Beatles for everybody You just need very specific things for very specific audiences Dave Matt so they break it down further and further and it's like

you don't have to like Dave Matthews band you can like a little bit more of an upbeat Dave Matthews band well guess what there's nine bands that are playing that type of music right now and you can find all of them you don't have to wait for the radio to bring it to you that's a very good point so you can't get these massive stars anymore do you think that's true though I mean how does a Justin Bieber emerge is he kids music kids music is the only way it works yeah and he was still through those distribution methods those kids don't download yet I think that's probably best for everybody what there's no giant stars I think oh yeah you know I mean there's a lot of people that

essentially should be giant stars that for whatever reason don't get considered in the same breath as, like, Jim Morrison or Janis Joplin or dead people, right? Like, okay, Chris Cornell. Chris Cornell from Soundgarden, maybe one of the greatest vocalists of all time. He's great. Dude, he's a monster. He's still around, right?

Dude, of course he is. But, I mean, if you, like, if you looked at, like, people who people, like, worship as being, like, all-time greats, for whatever reason, that guy, Dude, of course he is. But, I mean, if you looked at people who people worship as being all-time greats, for whatever reason, that guy slips through the cracks. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Right? Some people just hold up and some people don't when you talk about them 20 years later.

That guy's amazing. Listen to Spoon Man, you know? I mean, that guy had the most insane voice. His voice is incredible. Did you hear the guy that took over for him? Was that that band or the other band who's the black guy took over for the white guy well give it to me brian yeah i know you know the black guy that took over for the white guy yeah they kind of white by white by down in a

hole who sang down in a hole oh uh is that allison chan yeah black guy took over oh they got a new lead singer and he's black and he sounds exactly like lane Layne Staley. Exactly like Layne Staley. And you forget the fact that it's not Layne Staley until he sings down in a hole. All right. We're going to play a little game of YouTube roulette. Yeah, can you tell? Let's see if we get kicked off YouTube by playing this. You get kicked off YouTube by playing it?

Why? We get kicked off all the time. Why? I don't know. It just happens. So let's see. Let's play it. Free information trade, everybody.

What's it called? I have to find something with him and singing it. Okay, what's homeboy's name? William Duvall, I have it. William Duvall? Yeah. Oh, let's just find out some of their new shit. He sounds just like...

He sings the old stuff, too. He doesn't seem black to me. Boom, there he is. That guy doesn't look that black. He is black. He looks like Sep black to me. Boom, there he is. That guy doesn't look that black. He is black. He looks like Sephardic. Notice I used that really articulate term. Sephardic.

Makes you sound more cultured. Thank you. He's a Semite. Man in a box. That's the guy? No, that's a white guy. That's Jerry Cantrell. I think it's the guitar player.

That guy looks like he does meth. Wow, Jerry Cantrell looks like he should be in a fucking Nickelback. Where is the black one? Bring him to me. He's so happy with life and everything, though, so it's tough to believe that he could actually sing about heroin. Oh, yeah. That's the only song I don't buy from him.

Them bones. You know that song? Them bones. He sings it all. Big old pile of them bones damn bones oh that guy's buck now you realize yeah i love that different angles like oh that's gonna lag as that is not the same dude at some point or another i gotta hear what this dude sounds you gotta hear it just fast forward a minute born again 1998. This is Layne Staley then. This isn't the black gentleman. I don't know yet. You think it's both?

After Layne Staley died. Staley died in 2002. The band decided to reunite for a benefit concert. That was the starting point for a new beginning of Alice in Chains. 14 years, they released a new album with lead singer William Duvall. Well, what is this? Why am I reading this, Jamie? Can I hear this gentleman sing?

Where's... Yeah, just fast forward a minute and a half. Where's the black guy? Yeah, you guys ready for this? That's Gene Simmons. What the fuck kind of fuckery? That's the guy? Looks like him.

So it's about their journey. Whoa, that's that dude singing? I don't know. This is bullshit. I want to hear about his journey. Jamie, this is probably your biggest failure you've ever had here. I just want to say, as an artist, as an artist, artist to artist, shut up about your fucking journey.

You're not a hobbit, okay? You're a goddamn singer in a rock and roll band. I know what you're doing, bitch. You're a journey. How dare you? You're right. They so overdo that. Fucking shut up. Cry me a river. How dare you? Journey. Journey. I had to take my own guitar case up to my room.

Fur-topped boots tied up with fucking sinew. Remember? Did you hike over the hill? I always see D.I.C. guys with leather pants in Hollywood during the day when it's my room. Fur-topped boots tied up with fucking sinew. Remember? As you hike over the hill. You know, we see D.S.A. guys with leather pants in Hollywood during the day when it's hot out. He's like, it's the only pants they own. They're their fucking show pants. They're hot as shit, and now it's melting inside. Your ball bag's simmering in there.

It's cooking. It's like a fucking ceviche. Jamie, this is the same video. Come on, Jamie. Come on, dude. What's going on over there, dude? Oh, my God. Jamie's been off.

Top five William Duvall songs. Last couple of days. Wow, that looks weird with the 3D glasses on. I'm not happy with these. William Duvall has made a generally positive number five. Okay, let's... We get it. We get it.

Sounds like a white guy. Yeah. Sounds like Blaine Staley. But, yeah, we get it Sounds like a white guy Sounds like Blaine Staley But yeah, we get it How's your balls been? Are everything downstairs? Because we never talked to you about your balls And your butts and stuff like that

Thought I had herpes Really positive I had herpes I mean really positive Like what was the symptoms? Like on a 1 to 10 I was a 9, I was like fuck well I got herpes The symptoms mean, really positive. Like, what was the symptoms? Like, on a one to ten. You had ten? I was a nine. I was like, fuck, well, I got herpes.

The symptoms were I saw a scab on my dick. And I was like, well, that's... And then I looked it up on Google, on images. What else do you think it is? Herpes scars or whatever. Herpes outbreaks. And it didn't look like most of them. It looked about, like, one out of, like, ten of them.

A real light case. Never had them before, but I was like, look look i'm not the most careful guy in the world i mean condoms no condoms uh so i was like well look it's caught up to me i guess this is this is fucking you know get it now it's better than i got when i was 25 i wish right now we could play damn it feels good to be a gangster because you're we could play Damn It Feels Good to Be a Gangster. Because you're in 10 different countries at least. I was in a bunch of countries and I was like, look, this could have happened at any point, but I narrowed it down to who I thought

it probably was. I called like three or four girls. Four girls were like, hey, I think I have herpes. You should go get tested and stop fucking. I'm like, why? I'm like, I have a herpes outbreak. There's no way there's anything else. I have a herpes outbreak. There's no way there's anything else.

I have a herpes outbreak. Yeah, because what else could it be? You just don't wake up and have a scab. Exactly. And so I scheduled blood work, get everything taken care of, and in the meantime, it's over Christmas weekend,

so it's going to take longer. And then while I was hanging out, I was hanging out at the stand, comedy club maybe the best club in New York but I'm talking to the owner

and Pete Lee this comedian and telling my problem and Pete was like you know where is it like right underneath the hood of your dick

I'm like yeah right there he's like I had something like this once it was like a penile tear have you done anything like rough lately and I was like a penile tear. Have you done anything, like, rough lately? And I was like, yeah.

Actually, I noticed it right after unlubricated anal sex. That's when I first noticed it. You're lucky you're alive. But it just didn't go away. You're lucky you're alive. I'm lucky I'm alive. And then that's what it turned out to be. How do you have unlubricated anal sex?

That's like... Fucking hard, bro. Hard. I mean, no spit? You didn't spit on the anal sex? That's like... Fucking hard, bro. Hard. I mean, no spit? You didn't spit on the details first? No, yeah, of course it was wet. It was wet. Of course, lame.

Fucking, that joke is played. Yeah, you get it wet and then you fucking go for it. I don't know. But yeah. Do what you gotta do. So relieved. But you didn't have anything

commercial lubricant. So relieved. Yeah. And I'm telling you, if you think your wife has been happy when you've called before, after fucking three days on the road of not being able to call,

you've never heard you tell a girl, oh, I was wrong. You don't have herpes. They get elated. Overcome with joy. Now, do you think maybe you should have just waited to the results came back? Yeah, sure You just well I didn't want to fuck somebody else in the meantime and then while I'm waiting to decide some other guys life is

ruined Well, I heard this is may as well suck it up and take my lumps also on the other level I figured I could tell them I'm 90% sure it's like a cop-out so I'm not like fully saying look I have it we fucked I thought that uh from what i understood when i got tested was that you can only test herpes while the outbreaks happen they actually actually spoon a little out of the the outburst that like you can't really it's really hard to test for herpes so a lot of times you can get tested during like not an outbreak and be like oh yeah you want to test positive for herpes no i think that's an old test

i think that was like 15 years ago test. They need Olympic style herpes testing. Olympic test. For serious. Overcome. Serious boy and girl sluts. And I heard if you do pop it, like you could actually taste it.

Taste herpes? Yeah, it's like a sweetness. What? How many different fucking pus wounds you have to taste before herpes is like, I got it Yeah, you can't just taste it once that might be that much This is Sauvignon Blanc 94

This person's had it for a while and treated It's a Burgundy from the South Valley Burgundy is the wrong term The smell, the culture Swiffer around like a penis in your hand Look at the legs on that herpes. How many herpes did you have to be able to taste to be able to taste herpes? Well, you know, they figured out a way to train dogs to smell cancer. Cancer.

Yeah. That's awesome. That's pretty crazy. That's awesome. You're telling me they can't put a dog at the fucking TSA counter, smell for bombs? Yeah, but they also were going to smell for weed. No, only train them to smell for bombs. What about the weed dog?

He needs a job. Get him in fucking Miami airport. Oh, the weed dog, he fucks up. He thinks it's a bomb, but it's really just weed. The poor guy, we try to train him. Listen, man, we don't want to send him to the pound, Ari. Let's just take take a few you know one or two weed arrests a month it's not gonna hurt anybody you know we're gonna get more revenue

in the system we're gonna have uh jobs that's infringing on our rights just for your right to raise money and you know what sometimes out of that struggle comes a dialogue no that's not a thing you're just robbing us and saying a few important people. You're saying buzzwords, cops. Don't stop. Don't just rob our freedoms and say buzzwords. No, don't just say the children.

for a little while, 24 hours. Maybe you'll snap them. I'll tell you what, my friend's son, the kid was in there do well. He started going to jail and he got out of jail and he realized, I don't want to go to jail anymore.

No, that's not a reason to search every american he got back on the right track no no no i'm sorry ops and jerry everman you're not giving me good reasons i punched him in the stomach and i brought him to the lord did you know that have you seen that video no you want to see something hilarious yeah sure pull that you want to see something great pull that video and then get ready Bonnie Wait princess bunny princess bunny remember princess bunny About to see something's gonna do you're about to see before that you want to see a guy punch a guy in the stomach I want to see that fucking Yeah, um he says pastor

I was on my yeah pastor punches kid in the chest look it's seen as soon as he starts writing pastor That's what shows up. It's one of the first That's it right there. This is so ridiculous a young man His name was Ben. I mean this is really ridiculous running you could I was there for a few years He was just he was a nice kid. He's one of those kids. It was always just it's a real smart Alec Oh, this was was a bright kid which didn't help things right made him more dangerous we were outside one day youth group and uh he was just just trying to push my buttons and he was just you know kind of not taking the

lord serious and i walked over to him and i went bam I punched him in the chest as hard as I, I crumpled the kid. Why'd you punch him in the chest? I just crumpled him. And I said, I leaned over and I said, Ben, when are you gonna stop playing games with God? I led that man to the Lord right there. There are times that that might be needed. What?

What? Ew. What? What? He didn't give a good example at all. There are times that that might be needed. What? Ew. What? He didn't give a good example at all. What are you talking about? The guy was just being a smart aleck? He just

punched a kid. He was smart, but that's bad. He was saying he was smart, and that was part of the problem. Too much definition. What a chump that guy is. I love the word chump. Wow.

Just a straight jerk. Oh, my God. Punched him as hard as he could in the chest. You punched a little boy at youth camp? And I said, Ben. And crumpled him? Oh, really? When are you going to take the Lord serious?

That's ridiculous. What was he making jokes? Ari, he wasn't taking the Lord seriously. He's being smart Alec. I punched him. That's a grown adult. That's a grown man who's teaching people. Who's leading people.

He's got a microphone on. Fucking Christianity should be illegal. It all should be illegal. Anybody telling you they know the answer should be arrested. When you know they're not. That's false advertising. They should all be arrested, man. You can't put on food,

even if there's crooked FDA, you can't put on food tons of nutrients without any proof of nutrients. You can't do that. That's so true. That's so true. You can't just say, oh, no, no, I know the answer. Could you show us that you do it all?

Are you just making it up and taking all the money? So you want to show me your proof of this Adam and Eve concept you've been throwing in front of this congregation? What do you have written down? Do you have any studies? Anything with some veracity? Yeah, when you look about it, when you take a step back and look at any level of religion,

you're like, oh, this might be garbage. Or this is garbage. This is garbage. Yeah, this you look about it, when you take a step back and look at any level of religion, you're like, oh, this might be garbage. Or this is garbage. This is garbage. Yeah, this is garbage. This is a bunch of people that were trying to figure out what the fuck the stars were. Noah's Ark bit was great. I have a joke about the Ten Commandments in my new special, Paid Regular. Out this Friday night.

Set your DVRs. Don't forget. I like it too. DVRs. It is funny. Don't forget. You'll like it too. DVRs coming Central Midnight. Ari Shafir has got a new special. I set up a few songs

in there. I like it. And it's funny. Ari has to. And it's funny. This Friday night. Is it censored or uncensored?

Censored online. I mean on TV. Uncensored online. So censored online. If you haveensored online. I mean on TV. Uncensored online. Censored online, if you have it on television, it comes on after midnight. They can do whatever they want. Yeah, there's stuff I'm able to get where they were like, we don't know about that. I was like, are you serious?

Oh, actually, it's after midnight. After midnight is the right spot. I guess so, except you want more people to see it. But more people can at Ari Shaffir. My comedy special aired again last Friday night. Did it really? Yes.

That's great. So you got a bunch of feedback? I wish I had more of a heads up so I could have promoted it. But yeah, the feedback has all been good, man. The ratio to people that didn't like it versus liked it was way higher than my last one. So that means I'm on the right track. So I just I think that like right now

it's such an exciting time for stand-up and I'm so excited about doing new shit. I don't think in all the years I've been doing comedy I've had more fun doing it. Doing new stuff. Fuck, I'm loving it. But it's not like you're not trying to do well. You're trying to kill it but just with newer,

it's like taking a smaller bat and still trying to hit a home run. Well, it's just, you gotta throw water on that bitch. Until it grows, yeah. You gotta keep using fertilizer, start a mulch pit, son. Yeah.

Start a mulch pit. Get your fucking compost game. Mulch pit of comedy. Get your compost game up, kid. It's just, it's an amazing time man I'm having so much fucking fun Yeah

Especially that show in Vegas God damn that was fun That was cool The Phoenix show was really cool That was fun too Yeah That Terry Fader theater Is really good for it

And they got that fucking When I tell you the word I was looking for When I tell you the word I was looking for It's a clock you the word I was looking for, it's a clock. It's a clock. A sword.

I couldn't find it. My brain wouldn't know. I got to stop smoking weed and start reading. Don't do it. The combo. One or the other. I got to do one or the other. I can't let this keep going downhill like it is.

I can't remember the word clock. You got to start working now, son. This clock's all over. Dude, what do you need? I got to get you working. There's one right here. I can't remember what the word is. I got to get you on it. I need Lumosity. I need you to do some kettlebells Yeah, what's my brain from smoking?

In in London for fucking three days Three days in London that was it and then right back to it. Did you know anybody there or something? No, I was working I do this thing where So I was working. So I was like quickly like doing it. I didn't have time to like go out and try to find weed. And then I just didn't find it. Too much danger in another land.

Yeah. I got scared. I didn't take anyone with me. Good. That's smart. Overseas, I'm always like, oh, how'd you know? How'd you know? Yeah.

Overseas, too much danger to take it with me. But yeah, I just didn't find that. And then, you know, it's like what you said, the celebrity rehab, it's the easiest fucking thing to come off. If you don't have any, like, oh, well. Yeah. I sure would want some, but I've been working, so I didn't have time to do it. Well, if you watch celebrity rehab, you see Eric Roberts on it.

That's it, Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts. You said everyone's having the shakes. Everyone's coming off coke and meth. You see Eric Roberts on it? That's it, Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts. He said everyone's having the shakes. Everyone's coming off coke and meth. Like, I just need to make it through an hour. Eric Roberts is drinking coffee reading the New York Times. Coming down off weed.

He had his fucking feet in slippers. He was in a reading robe. Good morning. Yeah. Everybody else had fucking crusty mascara all over their face and tears and fucking sadness. Band-Aids over their major arteries. And Dr. fucking Drew still won't say it's different than those other things. Come on, Drew.

But you do know people that can't stop. Yeah, I know. Yeah, but I know people who can't stop doing a lot of shit. I know people who can't stop jerking off. Getting tattoos, jerking off. Yeah, I know people people can't stop doing a lot of shit. I know people can't stop jerking off. Getting tattoos, jerking off. Yeah, I know people can't stop gambling. Right. Yeah.

Wow, with the 3D glasses, the fire looks really kind of weird. It looks magical. I wonder if, like, if we keep this arm this long, when we take him off, it's going to fuck a regular. It probably has already fucked it up. When I go over the blue, it just goes off. When I go over to my left side, the flame just goes off. Gaze. Gaze. Gaze into the burning magic.

Joe, do you want to see this, uh, pool table projection? No, I don't want to see that shit. It's cool, man. It's cheating. I've never seen Joe react so horribly to any piece of technology. No, it can like add new layers to games. No, it doesn't. A real pool table is played with fucking traditional lights and regular balls.

You keep everything clear. This is Ames, mister. No bar. What about a see-through table? Would you go with a see-through table? No bowling alley. No fucking way. Still felt, but see-through felt.

Oh, no fucking way. And a fucking table. It lays in there the whole time. Yes. Maybe you could play TV so you could watch the big game while you're lining up. If you hate money, go ahead. But if you want to win, you can't play like that. A pool table is supposed to be a green landscape of opportunity, of collisions, of maneuvering,

of English and spin and reaction to chalk and balls colliding and slide and follow and draw. That's what it's supposed to be. Not pussy and glass. Not supposed to be looking down at a fucking glass table. That's horse shit. No, that... No.

No, no, no. That's not what it's about. Make your own new game, okay? How about you just... That's what I'm saying. ...be on a table That chest to with it instead of having straight up and down and so they would have the Go like this like lines. You couldn't really see where another opponent was really couldn't really visualize it

Yeah, so like you'd have the corner ones. What's go? What's your diagonal battle chess? Oh Rooks, maybe Bishop Bishop. Bishops, yes. And they'd be like almost right above you so like, well, they can't get me but then you look at

the way it's like curved and you're like, oh, it's right in the diagonal line. The rook is the castle, right? The rook is the horse, yeah. No. No, the castle is the rook,

you're right. Yeah, the knight, what is it? Knight is the horse, knight is the horse. Wow. For a game for intelligent people,

we couldn't even remember the pieces. Well, when was the last time you ever even tried to play a game of chess?. We couldn't even remember the pieces. When was the last time you ever even tried to play a game of chess? It's been a while. I fucked around with it on my phone like maybe a decade ago. That was it. Do you guys like Chinese checkers? I was always a Chinese checkers guy.

Chinese checkers? No. That was always my favorite thing. So you could play up to like I think five people or something. Oh. Oh, yeah. All sides. Like a Jewish star.

I don't think I played that star. In Washington Square Park. You ever go there and watch those chess players? The timing chess where they hit the clock and they slap the clock. They only get so much time. That's amazing stuff

because they're really thinking like about this grand plan on this board and where all these pieces have opportunities. Yeah, they're singing all at once. And trying to be sneaky

and creative and they're doing it on a clock. God, I'm dumb. I feel so stupid And they're like homeless people too that are playing there Well, it's not like winners the thing about pool and the thing about chess and think about there's a lot of these games that are So engrossing you get so luck like sucked into them that it takes over All your other ideas like there's a lot of bachelors that

yeah you just want to be in some bachelor in some shitty apartment and you don't you just give up on having a girlfriend and you just gamble all the time and you get sucked into that lifestyle and you see that a lot of times with like pool but the pool you see that a lot so the pool hall groupie like describe her would she get like passed around? There's a groupie in every, if you can think of anything, if you can think of like miniature golf, there's probably miniature golf. Once Tommy DeLuz showed me who the bowling groupies was, where right after I was saying the UFC groupies,

that's when I realized everybody's got a groupie. There are definitely pool hall groupies. What are they like? What's interesting, they will go for the best players. They always want to date the best players it's not about looks or young no no there's like dudes who aren't that good looking but they're really good players and they'll get like pretty good looking pool groupies because the pool player girl like really wants to be associated with like a world-class player oh

yeah are they pool players too sometimes yeah, yeah. Most of the time. Most of the time, yes. Usually they smoke Marlboro. The ones who are pool players as well, then they really appreciate how good a guy is. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so there's like... But I think that's the way with everything.

Cello players and fucking... And male to female as well. I think there's men that are just obsessed with the way a woman sings. They become, you know, a fan of that. There's no getting around it, you know? Yeah. We're impressed by shit.

Yeah. You just stay in that world and, like, it's all I care about. Of course that's who you want to fuck. If a guy's a badass pool player and that's all you care about is pool, like, that guy's doing magic up there. Someone was talking about David Letterman. It's like, well, the problem is he uses power to get laid. You're like, oh, you mean you can't

build up a bunch of power and then use it? What do you mean? It's half the reason to build power to become the president so girls would

want to fuck you. You're not like saying, I won't give you this promotion without you fucking. Yeah. It's just saying, they just come in

wanting to fuck because I'm President Bill Clinton and I'm supposed to suddenly go, no, that's wrong for me to accept.

And you're also supposed to deny a fucking million generations of conquerors in their whoremongering ways. Yeah. And you've usurped them to become the fucking king of the world. I mean, the president of the United States is the king of the world, right?

I'm too good. I don't get laid because of the system of Catholicism that started in our country fucking 200 years ago. He's a noble man Nobody's that noble even the fucking good one on a be Game of Thrones No, well the Game of Thrones is like really even the good guy. He fucking cheated on his on his wife That's why I had that bastard son that they sent to the fucking castle cuz he cheated on his wife, right?

That's right. That's the good. That's the best man. That's ever been in that fucking world. That's their son that they sent to the fucking castle. Because he cheated on his wife. That's right. That's right. That's the best man that's ever been in that fucking world. That's true. Spoiler alert. Let's not say any more. Cheating on the red. Stop it right there. Stop it right there. Did you know this was episode 600?

Yes. That's crazy. Wow. This is episode 600. I just did episode 200 this week on Skeptic Tank. Oh my goodness. That's the same thing. 800 episodes between us.

Wow. That's a lot of fucking talking. Yeah. A shocking amount. Jesus. Damn. Have you done anything interesting on your podcast lately? Because you've, my favorite one was the one where you had a talk with a hooker

back in the day. Yeah, I've had a few good ones like that. I had this guy who helps work at the Insight at that Vancouver place with a safe shoot-up place. Safe shoot-up place?

Yeah, you know, Hastings Street's all fucking zombies and fucking heroin addicts. And so they offer this safe shoot-up place where you can tell them what you're going to

shoot up on and if something goes wrong they can tell the paramedics how to revive you and so it's just not, so it's not as dangerous they give the cops don't bug it and then wow yeah so they told me all about that what it's like if there's going on and you know jesus just regular questions turns out there's no going on because when you want heroin that's sex drive goes way down yeah that was a good one

wow and then this week's about the open mic at the comedy store. That was a really good one. The open mic? Yeah, about potluck. Wow. Did you talk about how it pretty much got it chopped in half and how it's not as... No, this was about the heyday when it was the freak show, when you hosted it, when it was just a freak show. I'm giving up on these glasses.

Yeah. I'm having a fucking aneurysm. Wait. What? Let's do them backwards for... to see what if the altars are oh things are different color a little bit yeah wow wow it's so much better oh it is yeah definitely don't wear this for an hour or more just kind of look at the shirt at them we did like almost two hours of those stupid fucking things on just kind of look at the shirt say wow, wow, cool, and then take them off. So when I hosted it was like...

Yeah, I mean, you hosted the employees and the showcases, but before that part is the potluck part, where it's the fucking 20 pure open micers, which could be guys like me when I started, or could be fucking guys like Boone Shakalaka. When did I host it? Just that one time. I host regular open mic night.

I hosted people, like, going on for their very first time ever. Yeah, uh-huh. That's what Bob Oshak did for years. That's what I did for years. Bob Oshak is a funny fucking dude. I was always amazed that Bob Oshak didn't become, like, some sort of a... He became one of the head writers at Ferguson. But I would have thought that he would be, like...

A host, a letterman. Like a famous guy. Yeah. Like, he's really funny and really nice. I think... Oh, super nice. Really good.

Good human. Only fucked his wife ever. One of those guys. Like, you know, polo shirt. He's funny as shit too, man. But I think he really loves being in a fucking writer's room

and just churning out jokes. I think he loves doing that. Just give me the topic and I'll hit you with fucking eight hours worth right now i just i've always thought that guy was gonna be like some big household name like i remember watching him i'm like he's so composed he would have his bits he's like the opposite extreme of people who write on stage he wrote every he was like 98 done with his bits when he brought him up for the first time yeah he was the open mic host he was the potluck host when i started so he was like the first professional comedian i saw over and

over again powerful bob oshak powerful bubbles out there representing middle america where's he from um some weird corn tennessee or alabama one of those weird spots oh yeah oh yeah he wears it he wears it for sure he wears it like a shield like one of those weird spots. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He wears it. He wears it for sure. He wears it like a shield, like one of those motorcycle jackets with pads all over the elbows. That's one of my best jokes.

He goes talking about like, it's okay to look. That's all right, but as long as you don't hop on her, like she's the last chopper out of Nam. He has such good lines.

He's a good rider, man. Yeah. He's a funny dude. And just a good dude. He's a good writer, man. Yeah. Funny dude. And just a good dude. He comes around once in a while. He's cool. Does he still do stand-up? Yeah.

Yeah. A little bit. But Tommy kind of was like, kind of pushed him to the side. So I think now he's back a little bit more. That's really unfortunate. Yeah. That guy should get spots.

But that's, you know, when you're primarily focused on one club and you have a bad relationship with that one club. Yeah. But it was the same thing with Mitzi, too. Mitzi would give him, like, one spot a week, once a month. And it's like, why? She just, like, didn't want any more.

I don't know. But it's the same thing, though. It's one club. You're talking about one guy letting you say yes or no. Isn't there something when you see certain guys where you go okay i think if you don't really pay attention to this guy you might see it one way but if you if you follow him long enough you realize there's like all these layers underneath there that you're right that you weren't even seeing yeah like you're looking at him you might

judge him oh look at this guy he's wearing a tie he's on stage this glass is on right he's trying to be cutesy he's trying to be cutesy, he's trying to be proper. But then like you watch him a few times, you go, oh this guy's like really funny. Yeah, he's making a presentation, okay. That's what Tom Papa is. You're like, why are you wearing a suit, man? And you're like, oh, you're not a suit comic, you're just wearing a suit. Yeah, and it's like we're being prejudiced. Yeah, exactly. We love it because he wants to look good. We're like, fuck you.

Whereas if you went on TV, on some television show, like The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, you had a hoodie on. Get the fuck out of here. You get to fucking wear something nice. You piece of shit. You're not happy to be in front of us like it's your birthday?

There was some old jazz singer who got one of those trombones, one of the greats, like Dizzy Gillespie types, and he was like, the one thing I was told was I know I was living out of my car

but they were like find yourself a good suit for when you're on stage you gotta present you gotta present well most important when you don't have money that's why those

nouveau riche nirvana type motherfuckers had millions of dollars and they were wearing tattered up converse all stars cardigans with one button missing yeah like that was almost

like a badge of courage that they like kept their wardrobe as real as possible yeah you know again if you could do that at the mtv video music awards or whatever the you know you can do whatever you want when you're in nirvana you have to wear suits yeah like nobody ever expected i'm not going to kirk cobain to wear a suit if kirk and bane went on stage with a suit on that would be him with you yeah like that would be him fucking with you Yeah, like what are you trying to say? Yeah, yeah, but if you saw the first time that night you'd be like I don't get it. Why they were in a suit because that's Kurt Cobain wearing the suit

Yeah, like yeah, you're right. Sometimes people just don't see it right away You're like I wish you could see or that or comics sometimes choke under showcase situation. That's definitely true. I've done it Yeah, me too. I'm it on auditions i've done it on important sets like even your average is better than that it's hard damn i did like 20th percentile instead of yeah you could i mean up till you know the time you record a special like when you're you're trying to develop new material there's always a possibility that it could go wrong yeah there's always that possibility i saw d go wrong. Yeah. There's always that possibility. I saw Dave Smith,

this comic in New York. He's actually a really good political comic, but he's new and he went up to the cellar and he just fucking choked. And then he had to wait around for her to come tell him no. That's great.

You're like, but maybe, because you always hold off in the back of your head, like, but maybe, maybe she'll be like, well, that was good. You didn't have a good set,

but I like it. Nobody just goes, yeah that was good you didn't have a good step but i like it nobody just goes yeah obviously i didn't do it right that's hilarious i was there so many times i felt so bad for him i was like i've been there waiting maybe maybe maybe she'll just because she'll ah no but they won't there's nothing crazier than watching someone perform in front of mitzi and here go he's terrible get off the stage gosh brutal no where's my dream pass give the backhand wave away do you have dealings with her at all yeah a lot yeah lot. Yeah, in the 90s, she was lucid. Yeah. She was, when I first met her,

I had many conversations with her about comedy and what I was doing wrong. She was going to point it out. She goes, you don't do new stuff in the beginning. Yeah. Bury it in the middle. Yep. No, she was right about that. She was always really smart about challenging you.

She would give you these sets where you would go on after whoever she thought was going to do the best. She would shove you right afterwards to teach you. Like, this is what it feels like to be nobody. Oh, you think you're good? Then go after this guy. Go on after Martin Lawrence in 1995. In his prime. Good fucking luck, soldier.

God, that would have been such a hard spot. I took those spots. God, after Martin Lawrence. I had many of those spots in the main room bombing. He was a killer, too. He wasn't just famous. He was a killer. Plates of dry bum shit.

Waiting for the light to come on. Please. Dude, I bombed going on after that guy. Here's when you know you're bombing in that room because it's so quiet. When the neon light goes on, you hear... And you're like, I don't even have to look over. I know I'm done.

You feel it kick in. Yeah. It warmed your skin. You feel the temperature change in your forehead. God. That's what Sanchez said. She made him follow dice every night. He said he tried to be extra dirty, and that didn't work.

He tried to be extra clean, and that didn't work. Then he was like, well, let me just do what I do, I guess. That was what worked. Just trying to be funny. You just have to accept your fate. Yeah, some of that too. At the very least, you've got to prepare to dig your way out of the ditch that's in front of you. Just keep hammering away at it.

Don't lose your composure. And don't try to—you've just got to submit to the fact that you'll never be better than Martin Lawrence in 1999. Yeah, exactly. We're there. We're good, right? So now can we do okay? Relax. You're not going to kill— Big J sees those as good opportunities because the crowd's in an awesome mood. Yeah, that's true.

And then some of it's being a comic and having to be like, it's not just my material. I got to fucking move and shift with the fucking new room. Well, it's also Big J in 2015 is way better than I was. Right, right, right. I saw Simone Gloss and Louis. And he did this whole thing where he's like, because it was just like, you know,

those are big moments for a comedy crowd. Right. And he's like, you guys just got Louis C.K. You did. Wasn a comedy crowd right and he's like you guys just got louis ck you did that wasn't that fun you couldn't come in here thinking you were gonna see him 11 45 at night you saw that everyone's like yeah and they're getting now he's pulled him into his own wavelength with like 40 seconds of that and he mouth them all and then he mouth all of them grabs about the ears his roars and now you're gonna listen to my stories of childhood and you you're going to like me. And he fucking killed.

But it's that technique of being able to like, let me pull them in here. Like being a legit comic. Steve Simone is easily in the top 100 nicest people ever to enter show business. Easily. Of every people that have ever lived, he's easily in the top 100 nicest. Oh, yeah. That guy's so nice. So nice.

He's such a friendly guy. Like, who the fuck doesn't like Steve Simone? You're like, if you tell me you don't, I've never really experienced it. If you tell me you don't, though, then it's like something's wrong with you. Carmichael. Gerard Carmichael said that about Steve Simone? Shut up. No, Gerard's the second nicest guy

you'll ever meet. He's pretty goddamn nice. He just started a war between those two really nice guys. Hey, Simone, I heard Gerard's talking shit about you. Let's bring in the Pope. Try it. This new Pope, yeah, you might think he's pretty cool, but here's what he said about Gerard Carmichael.

His hugs are fake. That motherfucker, he's got... He doesn't have strength behind them. Sits in that regular chair, and as soon as the cameras goes off, bring me my throne. He's my example, Simone, of like a nice way to be.

Yeah, he's a sweetheart. He'll go out of your way to lock your door when he gets out of your car. Well, it's just, he's one of those guys that you see him, you always want to hug him.

Yeah. You know, he's just a genuine sweetheart. He has a podcast called Good Times with Steve Simone. And a special CD just came out.

A CD? Oh, shit. Remember this? Funny guy. Yeah. And? Oh, shit. Remember this? Funny guy. Yeah. And the guy, also homegrown. Homegrown. Comedy store veteran.

Yeah. That's, yeah. Steve Simone started there. Started there. He might have done a few sets outside of that before. I think he did a few in Philly and then came. But, like, only a few. Yeah, not much.

He grew up in front of us. Yeah. He was the manager. He worked there a bunch, too. Worked there. Yeah. Lump and a vomit. Always a good dude. dude always a good dude no matter what was going on even when he was suicidally depressed he was just nice to everyone well you know when things weren't going as well as

they are right now now he's doing great like steve simone is starting to build momentum you know i hear a lot of people talk about him i hear tweets tweets. Like, when he was releasing his album, we all retweeted his album. And all these people were talking about how funny he is. He's a very loved guy now. It's hard to, like, get that connection. And he's, like, the stories he tells on stage are so good. Like, he's, like, one of those guys, those storyteller guys, that are, like, the best around at it.

Like, fuck. Well, he's just a lovable dude. Charismatic, lovable dude charismatic lovable dude yeah yeah and he he grew that style out of that like battlefield of the comedy store yeah where he's like i'm gonna be my thing i'm gonna tell stories of childhood and fun times and beautiful things yeah and go after some guy who's talking about going down on a girl during her period like tripoli and just you know battling against some heckler and then he's gonna be like well now we're gonna reset and have a great time

and that's so funny but yeah but that's like also Sebastian that's Sebastian's another one he's clean dice yeah I mean Sebastian's like but he's hilarious straight killer in his own super clean way yep and just like tearing apart like, you know, messy people. Were we just talking about that he was shitting on? He's against that too? What was it?

What was the topic? It was the topic. I forget what it was. Oh, Uber. He's against Uber. I was like, what? It's hitchhiking with Yelp. That's what he said.

Or it's hitchhiking with your phone. He shits on everything. It's your best. God, he's good. Yeah, I think that's what he said. It's hitchhiking with your phone. He shits on everything. It's your best. God, he's good. Yeah, I think that's what he said. It's hitchhiking with your phone. Yeah, he's funny, dude.

I was alone in a hotel room. And you saw the Sebastian special? And I saw his special on Showtime. I think I was in Texas. I think I was doing stand-up in Texas and just flipped on Showtime and I watched the whole thing and I was laughing.

I really, really enjoyed it. Like, it was really funny. No, he's great. He's one of the best in the business. Yeah, it was cool to see, though. You know, like, because, again, like you. Saw a guy get passed. Like Simone, yeah.

You guys saw a guy get that. Going to become a paid record, start being like a hole in the shell, then get better, then be like, okay, he can stand his own, then start getting better. And totally one of the best comics in the country. Yep. Yeah. Who drew that, Ari?

That's just amazing. I don't know. Who did you? I got my wispy hair, too. When it's long, that's just amazing I don't know who did you got my wispy hair too when it's long that's how it gets all wispy like that such a good photo with balls you don't know who drew it no who drew that I don't remember that I don't know somebody just posted on the message board I got my long hair well why don't you uh ask whoever posted where they got it let's see if we can give that person credit yeah the whole thing that's amazing this looks like you daniele billelli really you guys each other those are my balls was my balls half half jew half guinea kid that's pretty good i'm tired yeah from doing morning radio that's how my hair looks like that and there's a shower let it air dry the morning radio thing

when you're on the road that does does get tiresome, doesn't it? It's just because you don't have a chance to sleep a full four. Yeah, you know, it's like it's like you All right, you go to sleep. It's like go to sleep like I'm not tired at 10 I was gonna see the 3 30 in the morning the last three straight weeks. Yeah Yeah, I got sleep at 10 p.m. The guy from the message board actually drew it. His name is Tom Silver by actually drew it. Who? His name is Tom Silverby. I don't know.

What is that? Oh. Silverby? Thomas. Thomas Overby, probably. Oh, there you go. Tomas. Tomas.

Thomas Overby. Wow. That's his own art? Yeah. Wow. He drew that wall we're on the podcast? He said that.

He started at the beginning of this podcast and he finished that right then? He's probably been drawing you since he was a child. He's been seeing visions of me podcast and he finished that right then? He's probably been drawing you since you were a child. Tomas.

He's been seeing visions of me. A dedicated wall that's covered in yellow spackling. The dried cum of his ejaculate. The first Joe Rogan he saw, he was like, oh, what? All over your drawing face. He says, I drew this last year from Ari's seven-minute shit sketch after failing horribly at a joey drawing oh nice yeah it comes from a 30 frame comic called ari shafir anal lube

where he you yourself and he you it's a longer piece that's really it tells a lot about the world we live in it's changes its meaning along the way many times. And you've got to stay along for the ride to get the full heart. To get the full heart. Are you really anteloping me up? Really just bathing me in it? The care he takes in that really shows how a mother and child can really love each other. There must be a guy out there somewhere.

I mean, if, you know, you were talking about how you tore your penis because of a lack of lubrication. That's not a regular thing I've done, by the way. Okay, it just happened. It's no big deal. I understand. I'm not judging you at all. But, would, like, someone with diarrhea, that'd probably be way more lubrication than normal. Way more lubrication. Plus, the whole area would be super

relaxed, all blown out. It's just, you just empty out a fucking big gulp of splattery diarrhea at that little butthole. It's like, oh, right. The unprocessed seeds that you have to go on the sides. The ends of hot dogs.

Dude, I ate three times in Chinatown in San Francisco, and I was shitting out full noodles. Legit full noodles. Your body's like, nope, it's not food. Leaves, leaves I get, and peppers, but full noodles. They were like the length of my finger. Long ones. Oh, my God.

Your body's like, I'm not buying it, man. I am not fucking buying it. You call this food. We do not call this food. Where do they get it? Like, look, I am running this through all my fucking natural computers, and it's coming up negative. Did you, is this gutter oil?

Gutter oil. Do they have that in Chinatown? Chinatown? I don't know. Has it made its way? Dude, I want to hear you hear the sound of it plopping again. I don't want to hear it, man. The plopping sound is what almost got you to barf.

I blame Jamie as the second biggest fuck-up. We're not continuing to play that plopping sound. Yeah. It's a dark, dark world. Yeah. And that's happening right now. Somewhere in the world, someone's digging into a sewer and pulling out a big shovel full of shit. It's cheaper than buying it at the store. Just doing this is cheaper than buying it at the store. So we'd save money by doing this. And look at the house that I bought. If it wasn't for gutter oil, I couldn't have bought a house. Yeah, that lady built an empire on gutter oil.

Yeah, gutter oil empire. This lady's like digging deep into that well. She owns a house in the People's Republic of China. Is that right? Oh, my God. Somewhere. Who knows what the fuck she actually said? We're just reading what somebody translated.

Oh, that's a great point. She didn't talk any English at all. Yeah, we... Translations are terrible. Oh, maybe they didn't say any of that. She might have said, I was about to lose my house, and my children would have died,

and everyone would have starved to death, and I had to take shit oil. Oh, man. People are eating it, though. People are eating. Not just people, like a lot of people, man. Regular people. I eat street food.

I didn't eat street noodles, though. But I eat street noodle food. But isn't it oil that they cook in? Couldn't it be anything? Shut up! Jesus. Yeah, probably. Dude, I was on... How many times did you eat street food?

The meat was great. You just pointed a thing. It would cost one yen, which is about 16 cents. And it was three or four pieces of a meat. And I don't know how to pronounce any meat or how to say any of them so I'm like I guess that's this one of those please two of these and if you ate it you didn't like it You just threw the thing out because it was 15 16 cents and you eat the next one like this one tastes good What do you think it was?

lamb chicken Dog tail maybe probably dog right? Yeah dog is more of a Korean thing They said is it said you could find it in China But it's not like it really around much what the fuck But you know what I was maybe not want dog even more than I might have wanted it before just for the experience is you know How venison they got a clean well you probably know this got to kill it clean because if it dumps the adrenaline And it kind of ruins the meat it doesn't hurt that yeah, it's kind of hurt that as a theory Yeah, I've heard as a theory, but I don't think it's correct. With dog meat, it's the opposite. They want the adrenaline, so they beat on it for about two hours

and smash the cage and stuff. Oh, no. Really? Yeah, and then kill it for tastier meat. I'm like, well, I'm out then. Then I'm out. There's no way. I'm only going to eat people meat. I'm skipping over dog.

There's no fucking way. Wow. Can I only eat racists? Yeah, this is purebred racist. This guy lied. He said he was a racist, but some of these these people were not i want a homophobe t-bone yeah really revenge revenge worthy cut what the fuck man what dog would you eat if you had to choose one i'd go retriever golden no they're too sweet they're fluffy no those fucking slobber dogs.

Get them out of the way. I was at another restaurant, another restaurant, a fancy restaurant, and someone brought in a fucking... Fancy restaurant. ...one of those emotional support dogs. Oh, yeah?

A big fucking Labrador Retriever sat down next to them at a table while they're eating. Stinks. And everybody's like, you gotta be kidding me. No, it's a clean dog. In Europe, everybody brings in

them sort of restaurants. We're not in Europe. No, we're not. We're in motherfucking America. America. How dare you? Yeah. Tell them, Brian. a clean dog. In Europe, everybody brings in them to restaurants. We're not in Europe. No, we're not. We're in motherfucking America. America. How dare you? Tell them, Brian. Where are we from?

We're from America. Where are we from? We are from America. You us of America. We don't bring our dogs sit down next to our brunch. Yeah, they probably wasted that meat in fucking that oil. Shit oil? You're still on that, huh?

Dude, I want to... You ate shit oil? I want to... I'll tell you something worse. Whoa. How's that possible? I was on Big J's podcast, Legion of Skanks. It's kind of...

It's a morning zoo type thing. They have fun. Anyway, they've been opening up fan mail. Because they're getting started as a podcast. They're super excited about the fan mail they got. They open it up on the air and they read it. And they got sent stuff. One of the things that got sent was cookies, sugar cookies.

And we had all gotten high. And I was like, fuck yeah, give me that sugar cookie. And then Jay was like, oh, maybe you shouldn't eat. I mean, that was just from a fan. I wouldn't necessarily eat. I'm like, what's it going to be? Fucking weed cookie? All the better.

Let's do this. And he's like no Ari we do like long segments about like we've done long segments about like coming on food oh god

like we had like a whole fight about it a few weeks ago like how you can come on food and then like make people eat it and then as a podcast we're like oh yeah definitely yeah for sure.

Somebody's cum. Jesus. Just a cum cookie. That's not nice. No, it's not. That's terrible. I was getting more nauseous as it went, but I was like, eh, whatever. On the other podcast.

This happened. It's in there. On the other podcast you do, you have like contests. Punch drunk? Yeah, yeah. The bag of bets? The bag of bets? Now, recently, Josh Martin lost, and you guys all had to come on a towel

And he had to wash his face with this. That's cool same guy You have half half monkey Astronaut Joe Rogan some kind of same guy the same guy yeah Tomas over by yeah over Bay dude He's amazing artist. Yeah Yeah, the bag of bets was if Sam Shepley came in the last two of the Fantasy League and not only did he not come in the final two,

he won the Fantasy League. So the loser has to take a... We all have to jizz onto a rag and then they have to use that rag as their morning.

They have to reapply some moisture to reactivate the jizz. Oh, my God. And suggest Martin have to do this. And wipe their face with it.

So were you allowed To wipe it off After you wipe your face With it Oh yeah yeah yeah But you gotta wipe it You gotta wipe it off So you gotta do A little bit of wiping

And then you can Wipe it off afterwards Yeah How many days What do you mean How many days How many days You have to do this for

Just once You have to do it once Okay But reapply the water It's as if You know at the airport On the planes You're like

Fresh towel You're like Oh I love that I love that And then really Get it in there Yeah it's cum Three people's cum Three people's cum Three people's cum Bukk the on the planes like fresh towel you're like oh you'd love that i'd love that and then really get it in there yeah three people's come three people's come three people's coming kaki on the rag um it's back at bets i'm more sad that three people can come on a rag that easy it's that easy like what is we're gonna separate it we're not gonna stand around it

the third guy has an issue the third guy to come has a real issue. The fact that he can still shoot a load on the dying loads of his two friends. Who are you? Who are you and what's getting you off? How much is he knuckling his asshole? His thumb deep in his ass. Can we get there? Vigorously moving it, just shaking it as fast as they can. Has Josh already done this?

No, we're doing the awards ceremony at the Comedy Store patio. He's got to do it there in front of everybody. Oh, Friday? We have all these bag of bets. They're great. Do they watch porn while they jerked off onto this thing, or do they just jerk off from memory? We just jerk off.

Whatever we want to do. It's up to us. Here's the rag now. You go. We had this bet where me and tebow bet on a round of golf he was positive he could beat me and we put in there loser has to watch every episode of whitney in a row write a book report about it in a row oh yeah i have to do it you have one day off in between seasons oh tebow had to do it in a sitting. Why the book report about it? Yeah, one day I'm in between seasons. Tebow had to do it, right?

Yeah. Dude, Whitney Cummings has this, I don't want to tell you what the bit is about. I don't want to give up any of it, but it is a murderous bit. Really? She's got this bit that I've watched grow over like the last like three or four weeks. That's good. It's murderous, dude. She's been doing a lot of stand-up.

It's really interesting to see someone just really like catch momentum. Really just like you see a bit. lot of stand-up it's really interesting to see someone just really like catch momentum really just like you see a bit and if she keeps working that's no reason why she can't become a really really like great comic yeah no doubt i mean you get the opportunity all these people that get the opportunity like we'll get you up they usually just stop doing comedy yeah no she does a lot yeah she's always on stair on stage at the store i followed her the store like three or four times in a row i see her at the improv all the time. That chick puts in work.

I respect the shit out of her. She is always doing stand-up and she's always like tweaking stuff and adding to stuff and changing stuff. She takes chances. She writes a lot.

She moves forward. It's the Whitney model I tell everybody about. Move forward. Go. Do something. Well, this podcast, just do it anyway then it won't

go anywhere just do it what have you lost nothing the time you're doing nothing move forward yeah write a bit she's makes a short sketch do something just go she's a super likable person too like in real life you talk to her she's really friendly you know so it's like you want her to you want her to be really good you know and now she's like just she's i'll tell you off the air what this bit is because i don't want to give up the what the topic of the bit is god damn it's hilarious she's funny man this is a good time dude i've been seeing so many funny guys that i didn't even know were around at the store recently i start remembering people's names santino Theo Vaughn is really funny

But you know what's the pasta? This is the hidden Is the hidden gem of the he man was great? This is the hidden gems of the Comedy Store. It's the late-night sets with either Brian Holtzman or Brody Stevens I have seen them for the past couple weeks. I've stuck around, and the last guy on stage in the main room does as long as they want. And a lot of times they go on stage somewhere before 1 a.m., and they have an hour if they want to. They can go all the way to 2 a.m.

It's anywhere between 60 and 4 people in the room. So the show starts out. There's 300-plus people. The place is mobbed. Everybody goes up. Chris D'Elia kills. And then it gets to the end, is mobbed. Everybody goes up. Chris D'Elia kills. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da. And then it gets to the end, and then Brody Stevens goes up.

And Brody Stevens made... I was fucking... I was hyperventilating, crying, laughing, and slapping the table. That anger he has. You don't... I'm watching you not laugh. I push. I push. You know who I am?

Yeah. I push. Dude push. You know who I am? Yeah. I push. Dude, those late... Yeah, he's like, where'd you go to school? He'll tell you where he went to school. If it's anywhere in Southern California, anywhere, he will tell you a Major League Baseball player who went there, and then he goes, I know him! You're gonna treat me

like that? I'm friends with your highest honored person. Arizona State alumni. Two and one. He'll always shit on himself a little bit at the end. Choked under pressure.

Choked during the big game. I'm on Lamictal. It fucks with my body temperature. Solof didn't work for me. I had to move on. I'd like to get off the meds. He's fucking awesome.

His late night show the other night, it was not this past Friday night, but the one before. Late night set? My God, man. I was in awe. What did he do? Well, he's been doing so many warm-ups. You know, he does warm-ups so much. I was in awe.

What did he do? Well, he's been doing so many warm-ups. You know, he does warm-ups so much. He's constantly used to just completely ad-libbing in front of, like, this group of people that's waiting for a television show to be filmed. So there's, like, they'll film a segment. They'll, all right, audience has to clap now. And in between that, when they're setting things up.

Yeah, he does it for a lot of shows. I go out there early and watch him. I was like, I just want to see you, Bernie. He's fantastic at it. But when he's so fantastic at it, one of the things he does is he has this incredible ability to make comedy out of nothing. Anything that's going on. Like, he's completely free. Yeah. Like, his ability to ad-lib is like no one's.

Like, his ability to, like, move into the crowd and just start bringing everybody together and pulling, like, little things that he said to this person to that person like he's so used to being free when he's doing those those warm-up things like constantly on just free flowing back and forth stay together people we're working here we're pushing i push i'm from the valley okay eight one eight till i die you know but he can do that in that rhythm with that sort of, he's so good. Usually two warm up guys are either rah, rah, rah, or they just can't do the warm up. Yeah, he's a monster. He was murdering the other night. I mean, fucking murdering.

This is something Eddie found the other day, Eddie Ift. This is what Brody used to send out to managers and comedy clubs and stuff like that. And it's a VHS tape. Personality, human, 27 years of experience. Trust me, I understand comedy. out to like managers and comedy clubs and stuff like that and it's a vhs personality human 27 years of experience trust me i understand comedy comedian man be your friend the picture he's so awesome i'm such a huge brody fan yeah he makes late nights fun especially when you're stoned yeah and then you just like go in there and just laugh and the crowd's like half full so it's like oh this is great yeah holtzman almost had me barf once. I was laughing so hard

I was almost like it was like only that and Jackouts 2 where I was like I just couldn't barely hold it Those two guys if you ever see them on the lineup at the comedy store Please go for the late night aspect of them and go for the whole show, but stick around to the end Here's where the story gets cool. It's actually when you're out, you're done out, you're finished,

you're drunk, it's midnight, should we go home? It's like, no, midnight's two, it's this kind of raw, jazzy environment at the store.

So just head into the store and sober up there. Yeah. They'll probably let you in for free, almost always. Unless it's still packed on a weekend or something. Last night,

there was a million dollar car there, right? Oh yeah, parked out front. Porsche fucking testers. Yeah night there was a million-dollar car there, right? Parked in front. Porsche fucking testers. Yeah, Porsche 918. They were testing it? It was all these Porsche guys with Porsche jackets.

And there was a car ahead of them, too, with a Porsche. It was a nice Porsche. Oh, I wonder if they, like, were... I think it was a prototype. Well, no, it's a car that's available. It's called a 918. It's this incredible car. $875,000 sticker value.

Yeah, and that's if you can get one. They're all spoken for, so you'd have to pay some sort of premium. Yeah, and probably have to pay over a million dollars. Wow. And it'd be worth it, too. Parked at a meter on Sunset. That's incredible. That's a million dollars.

I touched it. While people are texting with my shit. With my dick. What? Yeah. People are texting And barely paying attention I know You know

And this car's parked On the side of the road Parked right there Just a million dollars Yeah we were like Then and Simone's like Hey look at that car We're like what

Oh yeah Well I saw a Veyron Once in Hollywood Which is even more expensive A Bugatti Bugatti Veyron Really? Which is one of the

Fastest cars in the world This big giant Spaceship looking thing And that's more than a million Wow That's like a million. Wow. That's like a million and a half or something crazy like that. Yeah, there it is. The only thing is, like, when they opened the doors, I was really expecting, like, this

really cool door thing that would, like, go back and then up or something, but it was just, like, this little door. Regular door. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Porsche is, like, the best, they're the best designers in terms of, like, the right compromise between, like, ridiculous speed and power and handling and also, like, efficiency. It's a hybrid car. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's also, like, just the way they don't make things that are too extravagant. They don't make, like, Lamborghini Countaches, you know, these big, ridiculous, fire-breathing cars. Like, if they make a car, like, the width, it's all about the engineering of the car. It's like, how fast can we get this car? Like, what is the best way? You want to stick to the road. Yeah, if they're making something like this.

But it's interesting because they're stuck with this 911, and that's the car that has the engine in the back. It's, like, really not the best way to do it. Like, you're not really supposed to have an engine in the back. It's like it becomes unbalanced. It swings back and forth. So why did they just put it in the front? Because they started out doing it that way back when they didn't know any better. Only for the 911?

Yeah, and then they've sort of stuck with it because it's become a characteristic of the 911. Wow. That was weird. Is this the kind of car that Paul Walker died in? Like, this kind of, like, horsepower? No. Well, more horsepower. But his was no well more horsepower but his was a carrera gt and the issue with paul walker's car everybody's like well their car was like really

dangerous like no it was not that dangerous according to everybody that i've talked to that's a car expert and it's not coming from me this is chris harris told me matt fair told me the real issue was that the car itself had been on the same tires for a long time, like seven, eight years. Right. They get hard and they have no grip. And you have an amazing horsepower and you're treating the car as if it's like a car with like current tires on it. Right. Car tires actually harden and dry up over years and years.

You sound like the guys when you're saying that, though. You sound like the guys who were defending pit bulls in, like, the 80s. It's not, but it's not. I know, like, high-horsepower cars. Like, it's a really high-horsepower car, but it's not so high-horsepower that it would be dangerous. Right. You know, like, I drove a car. I never heard it was dangerous.

I just heard it was going with you. Well, people have crashed it. It's a mid-engine car. It's got a really good balance, but it's really powerful. You're a race car driver. You can't go so fast. Yes, and it doesn't have the same sort of traction-based technology that they have in 2015. We have these weird traction control computers built in.

They know when one tire is losing traction. They compensate with the other side. They brake on one side to keep things moving. Look at his old phone. I know. It's amazing. You don on one side to keep things moving. Look at his old phone. I know. It's amazing. You don't even have Bluetooth in your car. You son of a...

This has Bluetooth? I don't have a car. Ari Shafir, for folks who don't know what we're talking about, has gone completely back to the flip phone. I like it. Pros and cons. Okay. Pros.

Pros? They're few and far between. One pro is I have to charge it every three and a half days. Oh Obviously the reason why is because you can't do anything worth training it for but undeniable pro you don't have to charge it. That's great To you can do Ignore without saying no on somebody remember that on the old phones We could just stop the ringer without saying no on somebody. Remember that on the old phones? We could just stop the ringer without saying off. The iPhone never did.

Yeah, you can do that. They finally got that? Oh, yeah. They've had it for a while. You just hit the volume button down or up. And then I'll just silence it and let it keep ringing. But you can't set it to stop ringing but not. Yeah, you can get it to just do nothing.

You can't go back to what you're doing. You have to wait for it to finish ringing, right? Before you can go back to your text and shit? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Like as far as declining it yeah yeah yeah you want to pretend that you're not ignoring that call yeah yeah you just know just stop pretending stop being like i'm doing something i just end

i don't feel i know i do not get upset when people send me the voicemail really you're like oh you were doing something so please do it please send me the voicemail for a goof i can't wait to send you the voicemail now what have you let me tell you this right now for every time you send me the voicemail send me another time to voicemail and avoid sending joey diaz to voicemail because he will burn your soul you gotta be like joey i can't talk right now i'm getting married i'll talk to you later okay bye yeah you can't do that you gotta answer it you gotta talk to him now the now the cons hey suck up yeah i'm loving your voicemail right now where you been all day i don't know man it's been 30 minutes relax it's 11 right now. How's the camera? Yeah, where have you been all day? I don't know, man.

It's been 30 minutes. Relax. It's 11 AM. How's that camera, though? That camera has to be amazing. It's great, man. It's over one megapixel. It's 1.3.

I don't even use the camera. And when I get text messages that have picture messages, if it's any, like, look at this bed I made on a fight or something, I have to forward that to my email and look at it on computer because I just can't see it. Oh, shit. And then you have to do it forwarding on your computer from your phone to your computer. to my email and look at it on computer because i'm just not saying i just can't see it oh and then you have to do it forwarding on your computer to or from your phone to your computer you have to do that all by pressing like individual buttons absolutely i mean to hit an s or to hit the number seven you gotta go ten times because you're gonna overpass the first time that's you forgot about

that i think it doesn't get messages also because i think I've sent you stuff before and you'd probably just never received Well, you probably have that here. Sam. She just sent me up. Just send me a picture. Let's how do you enjoy that? For the people listening it's about 40 pixels. I don't even know what it is. It's like a My god, is it like Times Square? Is it a funeral? Is it people? Might be mushrooms? It's war. Aliens have landed.

Now, Ari, is it annoying, though? Like, if you're driving, you're like, shit, I'm fucking lost. Oh, he said Barnett after Ohio State won the game. Josh Barnett after Ohio State won the game, maybe? I don't know. What? But, like, if you're driving somewhere late at night, you're lost. Gone.

Gone. Okay. Also, so, yeah, no GPS. That's terrible. But I already have found two new train routes that I didn't really know would work perfectly. In the six days I was off at New York, I was like, oh, the six train goes

between here and here? Oh, I could just take this. You know they have the app that tells you that on Google Maps. Tells you what it tells you. But it never tells me to take the six train, and it's right there. It shows you off. It didn't tell me that. I'm telling you, I've been there for a while and it would never show me that, and I'm like, oh, I can take this. I don't understand. Oh, this one connects. I understand

the map better, because you have to look and see what connects to what. So when you miss your train, if you stop and tie your shoes and miss the one train, and you can't get a signal underground, instead of being fucked, I'm like, which train can I take? You're like, oh, any of these. The R, the N, the Q, these all go there. And you can figure it out by learning the maps, which you don't do when you have it on your phone

at all times. Sound recorder? Non-existent. No, I have to open it up. Keep it in my pocket, open. Because if you close it, it's done. So are you going to go back to an iPhone 6 tonight? Gold one? No, I'm not. I'm way more present. I'm more social.

Instantly. I look way more present. I'm more social. Instantly. I look at my surroundings more. That part is all carry forward as is. And trust me, right now is the worst time for me to do this. Why is that? Because I've got a special I'm trying to promote coming out Friday. Comedy Central at midnight. I've got my storyteller show coming out a week from Thursday.

That's starting. Why don't you make a statement out there to all the techno files and perhaps techno junkies shall we say i don't know people said they couldn't live without it but it's like this is what we lived at seven years ago you can't live without you can't possibly live without you what you lived with seven years ago like your life has been enriched by abandoning the smartphone yeah a little bit really here's the deal We haven't tested it yet. We haven't tested what the etiquette is. The only reason people don't text while they drive anymore is because they had to make a law against it.

Otherwise, people just would. So the idea that everyone will control it the right amount of time is sort of ridiculous. They won't. They've proven not to. The battery on the iPhone 3 was minuscule compared to what the iPhone 6 is. And it lasts the same amount of time because we're on the phone way more. I was going to say that you should have like a phone, like a regular phone, and then an iPhone to do like social media type shit. Yeah, like an iPod.

You have to do it. Then the problem is two hours in bed every morning before you get out of bed. I was going to say, that's your issue, right? You get sucked into the web. You get sucked in. And people say, well, just don't use it. Well, it's been five years. Come back to us, Adi. We have apps. I get it. Well, it's been five years. Come back to us, hottie.

We have apps. I get it. Yeah, it's great. They're great. They're great. It's just too much. I think for your job and everything, you need it. No, people just say you need it.

I tweet from my phone. I can Instagram from my computer. You say you need it, but do you need things? Wait a minute. You can Instagram from your computer? Uh-huh. I didn't know you could do that. It's an app.

Oh, that's interesting. I've only used the web browser. Then you can change shit on the I didn't know you could do that. It's an app. Oh, that's interesting. I've only used, like, the web browser. Then you can, like, change shit on the computer, the stuff you can't do, like, on your phone, and then, like, update it right there. Put memes in yourself. I'll have to check it out. Yeah.

No, you would like that anyway. But, like, I just don't. You just don't trust yourself. And also, I see it On elevators The doors close Everyone gets out like that People don't even Look at each other

I walk down the street In New York I go ten blocks In one of the most Exciting cities in the world And I haven't looked At my surroundings at all I just haven't even

Had any new input And you get connected With everyone There is that But you're connected Really with the circle You're already in Friendship wise

So then you don't Make new connections You're like yeah I can connect with this friend i'll tell him how he is on facebook or on whatever on text and then there's no reason your body doesn't make you like say oh hey you're reading that book i read that it's a good book everyone just shuts in they just go to their phone you can't bother somebody on the phone somewhere dana white's just going like it's yeah i found out out Dana White did it. I mean, I knew Attell used a flip phone, and I was like, well, that makes sense.

But then Louie was like, yeah, I went to one or two. I was like, no way, really? I mean, you got a lot of shit going on. And then when I found out Dana White... Louie went to a flip phone? I found out Dana White did it, too, and I'm like, god damn. Dana White has never moved from a flip phone. Dana White is so good with his flip phone,

he can send you a message while looking right in your eyes. Wow. He knows exactly what button to press. He said all sorts of people are doing it. I asked him about it. He said all sorts of people

are doing it. Wow. He's like more and more like people that are like winning in life, like doing shit. This is how easily influenced I am. I'm ready to switch. I mean, here's the deal.

There's growing pains. There's growing pains. The first day, you're like, I need it. But that's what happens when you quit caffeine. You're fucking, you got it. But that's what happens when you quit caffeine. You're fucking, you got headaches. I think if you have an iPad mini, it's totally

do that. There's no reason to do it. Brian's like, I think if you have a 42 inch screen that's on a wheel that rolls in front of you everywhere you go. Like handlebars. Well I think nowadays it's great safety. Snapchat, half of them is just to get laid. Half of those things are just like instruments of sex. GPS though. How dare you.

I mean, the reason I have a Facebook fan page at all is because some woman wrote me that once, wrote me on there once and pretty much laid it out there that she wanted to hook up. And I was like,

damn it, I missed it. It's already gone from the city. Now I check it every two days. Won't go without checking it again. Because of that one time. All right, it's going to be okay. Anyway, it's been pretty cool. I'm okay with it.

GPS sits weird. Uber's tough. You can only Uber away. You can't Uber back. So in a city like this where I don't have a car. What? What do you mean you can only Uber away? I took the bus for the first time.

What does that mean? Uber for my computer. Oh, and then getting back home was difficult. Because you can't get back home. You took the what from the where? I took the bus from the doctor's office. What the fuck are you saying to me? I was like, what bus goes here?

I just looked and I was like, oh, that goes right by the Beverly Hills. Like a regular bus in Los Angeles, California? Yeah. Yeah, I take it twice. First of all, the first time, everyone's like, it's all Mexicans. First time, there was two black people. There was a fucking couple from Australia, two white people, and maybe like six or seven Mexicans, but it was other people too.

And then the second time I dug it they were full on homeless people on there it was pretty disgusting so Tinder's probably impossible Tinder is impossible but at Tinder

I deleted from my phone nine times anyway I've already taken nine times like Duncan was with World of Warcraft I'm like I can't anymore I've got nothing out of it

I'll delete it and then like a month later I'm like oh I just did Tinder they don't have any apps that really limit your app use yeah they do no they have apps that tell you you're at your two hours and then you're like ignore keep going well you can always shut it off all right you know you can go deep in your settings and say you you can always double

tap on that bottom button and delete those but then you just read get them immediately maybe what do you mean that's so easy to do when you're like you need to learn how to have a little discipline in your life absolutely you're not stop blaming it on iphones i got rid of cable for the same reason 10 years ago again nothing wrong with cable boy you know what's better for cable it's better to have cable than to not have cable why okay you don't have to watch cable if you have cable. I do. You have to constantly be glued to the fucking television. God, it's a sickness.

It's always on. You can get away from it. Brian, come on. You can't do that. That's ruining Tinder. Now girls don't see it as a real match when you actually do match because you're fucking idiots. You're just like, like, liking all day.

It should be something special that once you do like each other, now they're like, wow, this guy's interested in me. Now they don't even know that. Because of you guys that are always liking everything. You and Pete Davidson and all these guys. Like, like, like, like. Have a little class with it. It's a fuck site.

Just have a little bit of class and we can all have a nice fuck site. You're ruining it with your fucking lack of patience. Is it ruining it talking about it right now? No, it's a great site. But is it possible? It's not underground. It's ruining it talking about patience. Is it ruining it talking about it right now? No, it's a great site. But is it possible? It's not underground. It's ruining it talking about it? Is it ruining it talking about it?

You did way more damage than I did. Stop swiping like. The benefit of just accepting everybody is it's better odds. What are you doing? You're sticking it right in front of our faces. What are you talking about? You were interrupting the conversation. You're showing this.

Trying to flame it on me. I wouldn't even brought. How dare you? our faces what are you talking about you were interrupting the conversation i wouldn't even brought yeah how dare you how dare you i love when you can only hear a laugh and when someone knows they've been like oh yeah good point that kind of laugh it's like well my point was just trying to show you that you can't do tinder like how i mean there's there has to be so many things that you are actually i'm so addicted to. Tinder is one of the best examples of why I should not have a phone. It's garbage. It's awful. It takes all your time. All right, what if something crazy happens, like, you know, like terrorists?

Let's talk about it. Let's hear it. And you are, like, you know, walking in a park. You hear all these explosions, people screaming. You go to your phone, and your text-based, I don't know. Everyone what's gonna go to that phone. Somebody's gonna be like it's the fucking terrorists Okay, you probably checked your phone Run that way you say fine. I'm gonna wait and fucking it's your into mice fucking search engine Well, you will be so easy when they show up their apps. I was like no let me do it on my app

You let me get the Google search. So easy to deceive young people. So easy. I'll go down fast. They're going to pull up the wrong website. They're going to stick it in your face. It's going to be one of those

like Onion-type websites. It snopes it. You just see Ari running. You're running the wrong way. There's no dragons. You're freaking out. Dying off a bridge. They said they were going

to pick us up here. They use your footage for their documentary of suckers. They have bridge were going to pick us up here. They use your footage for their documentary of suckers. They have bridge and X-Files that everybody's just on. These are dummies without Google.

Watch what happens to them. Keep Google in your life. Okay, you're on the road. You're on a road trip. You're on the road doing a gig and you rent a car. Give me a better example.

Give me a better example. And you rent a car. Yeah, with the GPS in it. So they didn't have GPS. They all have it now if I rent a car. Yeah, with the GPS in it. So you didn't have GPS. They all have it now if I rent a car. You get lost. It's four in the morning. You get completely lost.

Your car runs. Then I'll do what I did in high school. And I'll find my way home. It'll be such a fun adventure. It'll be such a fun adventure trying to find your way home. God, we used to do it all the time. I would just let myself get lost on purpose. Whoa.

God, it was fun. You learn your surroundings that way. You really see a city. That seems like a terrible suggestion. Get lost on purpose. Whoa. God, it was fun. You learn your surroundings that way. You really see a city. That seems like a terrible suggestion. Get lost on purpose. I get it. When I was in Shanghai and I had the fucking GPS telling me exactly which public transportation direction to get there, that's amazing.

That's awesome, and I'll miss that. I might get a GPS. How about you just have a little discipline, boy, and let us have our fucking iPhone? Your texting sucks. Your voice quality sucks. That's a shackle, son. That's a technological shackle. I'll tell you what I found really interesting. And also, by the way, you can watch my special

on your iPhones. Yeah, you can't watch it on a flip phone. No, you cannot watch it on my phone. Please do not watch it on my flip phone. The reaction people give me to me saying, I'm just doing this for a while is really similar to the reaction um smokers give when you say i'm quitting smoking when uh pill poppers give when you say i'm done with pills or alcohol it's real similar people react sort of viscerally they get

angry at you i'm feeling that right now you are you're like you're getting mad not so much you we're all talking but like what are you doing stop like fucking, you're getting mad. Not so much you. We're all talking, but like, what are you doing? Stop that. It's like, why do you care so much? Well, people that have addictions, like if you're a coffee drinker and you go to have coffee with your friends every morning. I don't do coffee. Oh, but if you did.

Yeah. You know, if you sit there with your friends. But when I say, no, I don't do that, then they go. No, but I'm saying, what I'm saying is if a guy just quit on you, stop drinking coffee and you meet every day, like, you're not going to have coffee? No, I don't want coffee. I'm going to have a water. Oh, boy, you're too good for coffee?

Yeah, exactly. Come on. Have a fucking coffee. What are we doing having coffee? But it's like, come on. You're getting rid of your iPhone? Dude, we have iPhones. We have iPhones.

Come on. That's what we do. Don't fuck this up. I want to be able to Google. I want to be just like you. I love it. I love Googling. I want an Uber.

Back and forth. Back and forth. It's like pros and cons so they outweigh each other i don't know i'm going to try this way for a little bit why don't you just try this is just this is just why aren't you just this is just why don't you try this why don't you try going back to an iphone like a human yeah and then this is the move this is the move just write a rule write a rule where you can't look at your phone all day. I had one where I was like, I won't even, I won't check it until I go, let me go to a coffee shop, which is like a block away from me in New York.

Let me just go outside and then I can check it all from there. And I was like, well, let me check once before I go out. Give yourself three points in the day where you're allowed to text message. Are you going to check text messages? Can I translate that for you? Are you going to tell him that about cigarettes? I'm not telling him about it. You only get three cigarettes, but then that's a good way to do it?

You know dogs that eat out of the litter box? He's one of those. And you yell at them a couple of times and you keep catching them fucking torso deep into a litter box. Chewing on cat shit. Those dogs are always going to eat cat shit. Why aren't they like it? You got to leave them alone. All right. But a smoker, you're going to tell them

to smoke three a day. I can't tell him that, but I can tell you that. You're right. But you wouldn't tell me to smoke three a day. I would not tell you to smoke any cigarettes at all. Because that's going to give you cancer. But I don't think the cell phone's going to give you cancer if you check your text messages three times a day.

But it won't just be that. You're right there. Well, if you only give yourself three strikes. Carry around a pack of cigarettes in your pocket and say don't smoke any. Give yourself three strikes always. Dude, they have these programs that you can say. It lights up so you've gone over your hour. I'm a man.

Internet use. I'm a man. I don't need no fucking program. You just tell yourself. I don't really think I need any of those things besides text and email. Not text and email. Text and phone. Do you still have a compu serve email address my agents i tell them like if you need me something follow up with something right away you're gonna have to just

call me or text me and say hey i sent you an email check that because they business-wise they always feel like that anyway like how can you check that email like i don't know it's been four hours right they want you to be checking your email all day long you're in an office i'm not yeah i mean and it's weird that they don't want to talk to you on phone. Just call you. Just say, Ari, listen, you gotta listen to this. There's a new offer coming in. They want you to shave your beard. Porn. I get it, man. Yeah, porn. I gotta drag my whole fucking laptop

over my bed like a goddamn fucking... Savage. Cave person. Like an asshole. What do you do with it when you're done? You can't just fucking... The battery runs out so quick. The battery runs out. Poor Ari. It's fucking, oh, God, it's awful. The battery runs out so quick. The battery runs out. Yeah. Poor Ari. It's not like, oh, that one's great for that. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Yeah. Ari Shafir giving as little fucks as possible, slinging some 1996 technology. So Adam Ebay says, did you have a special and a show coming out? Why do you have a flip phone? It seems like that's not even the best one you can get. Oh, no, I researched it. It's pretty good. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. like that's not even the best one you can get. Oh, no. I researched it. It's pretty good. Damn, it feels good.

This one's one of the better ones. Really? 300 contacts. Oh, God. Yeah, I didn't realize that would be an issue until it was like, no fucking way. Some of these are 100 contacts. Wow. Yeah.

You're going to decide. This one has 300, so that's good. 300 plus, I think. You don't need 300. Dude, it's like for phone calls, for calling people, pretty fucking dope. Yeah, you get right up to your ear. Yeah. Does it have Bluetooth?

Uh-huh. It does. So does it sync up with a car? Have you done that yet? No, but I could, but I don't drive. But I Bluetooth it from the other phone. Where do they fit it? Between the battery and all the phone shit.

But when you think about it, man, like, there's something satisfying about, like, going, well... Flipping head over. You know? Oh, yeah, hanging up just like that,

it does feel good. That part feels good. That's a pro. All right, take care, man. Slight pro. That's pretty dope. I'm sure you get a case that would do that.

They should have that for iPhone cases. They did. It's a slap shot. And there's no, like, pocket calls or... No pocket calls. ...stupid shit.

There's no pocket texting or you open up and your phone's on Spotify. There's a lot of unexpected you open up and you're all fucking your phone's on Spotify There's a lot of unexpected. Oh, yeah, exactly. What is that? How did it do that? My dick's trying to make a call Thanks. Yeah, this is pretty dope dude I would have to have a phone too when I went and started doing way more sets in New York doing three or four at night I would uh, my body reacted weird after a while

I was like, I think there's too many spots. Because I was like not really getting the most out of them. And then I just overcame that like learning curve. And I was like, oh, actually, okay. If I just gear up for it, this is fine. But it just felt too many because it was twice or three times as many as I was getting before. You know? But then I was like, had to get used to it.

And now it's like, cool, I like that. And now if I have one spot at night in New York, it's like, oh, come on. That's, are we wasting it? that's interesting yeah so a lot of these with this phone where it's like oh i gotta have that it's like easy you'll get over it just like cigarette urges where it's like if you wait 10 minutes before smoking that's a good way to quit smoking if you wait 10 minutes every time you have an urge and then if you still have the urge go for it yeah but to me it's like promoting shows i'm like oh i need to promote shows while i'm on the road you know i'm like i'm like going to get something to eat i'm like definitely gotta be better about doing that for my computer but you can time tweets out

from hootsuite real easy yeah but sometimes you know yeah sometimes sure and then there's sometimes you write a whole bit because you're meeting someone and you're not in your phone checking your fucking instagram and you have a bit about that meeting. I mean, you said it. You've seen all the people on stage doing jokes about apps. It's nonstop. That's everybody's life. I guess I use my phone for way more than just Twitter. But you also use it for way more than just work.

Yeah. But I mean, I'm using it as my voice recorder on stage. I'm using it for my ways on the way home here to see which way I should drive home so I'm not wasting an extra hour in traffic. Right, right, right. There's just so many little things that...

Do you eat 24? So when I get home, there's going to be food waiting for me. There's so many little things that... Yeah, but you don't have a problem with being addicted to your phone. It doesn't freak you out. I think what Ari's doing is trying to optimize.

I didn't like what life was becoming. You're trying to optimize the way you think, and you're trying to optimize where you focus your attention on, and you felt like you were spending too much time just staring at a little device, and it was taking away from the way you think, taking away from the way you interact with people. Yeah, totally. Totally taking away from the way you interact with people. Absolutely, totally. Totally taken away from the way you interact with people.

Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, well, you saying that and taking it into consideration, it made me reconsider it. There's this etiquette that's evolving with it now

where people are on it during dinner a lot, you know, and it's like, well, we don't know if you're supposed to or not because it's such a fast-changing thing

that we haven't built a fucking, a manner system around it. So we're developing it now you know it's becoming more and more like put your phone away it's dinner time right you know right right but it's like we have to develop we don't know it's just getting it's busier and busier and all the time and yeah it takes you away from who who you're around isn't that what hipsters say isn't that what the whole thing that a hipster is what it's like against the you know that's

not hipster yeah it is what's the term of hipster right that's exactly the term's like against the... No, that's not hipster. Yeah, it is. What's the term of hipster? That's exactly the term of hipster. Against the norm. Well, you're thinking about goths also and about like all those groups are against like the norm. Yeah, I mean, hipsters are just one of those groups that's sort of... Hipsters are just uber fashionable. Well, they're just fighting against what they think is like a staid and boring standard.

Yeah. But yeah, fighting against the currently accepted dress codes and all that shit, wearing cardigans. There's something to like, you know how when you're on stage and you can't think of a joke and you're just like doing it anyway, but you need an ending, and the panic in your mind will force you to create an ending right then? Sometimes, yeah. If you don't have your phone to go to when you're in an uncomfortable social situation, you'll feel that uncomfort level for a while,

and then your body will, like, I don't like feeling this way. So instead of going to my phone, that was a way out. Now it's like, oh, hey, you're a Raiders fan too? Yeah, fucking, man, whatever. They had some good years there. Whatever it is. Just something to get out of this uncomfortable thing.

I can't believe I just met somebody and hung out with them, tried to make a new friend. And they're on Uber all day. Or you're on Uber. Instagram and I'm on Uber. Facebook and up the place. Following those cars. Tweeting up a storm and Facebooking up the joint.

Facebook offers nothing to your life anymore. But it does if you like Facebook. Oh. For some people, Facebook is their life. It's like their community of friends of friends that you're like, I don't even know most of these people. Most people don't know most of their Facebook friends.

Right. Have no memory. They have to really think hard. And they're just an online community. I don't know. It's okay. It's cool. That part's cool. But then you're missing other parts. What do you think about the potential for virtual realities online have you ever talked to Duncan

about this you know I mean show me this oculus game have you seen the new version of the old version oh I saw one from like a few months ago yeah that's I haven't seen the new one either but he called me at the improv one night with fevered pitch in his voice man it's a fucking game changer man yeah dude this is fucking bigger than the internet this is bigger than space travel this is bigger than anything yeah he told me about this uh oculus rift where it's this guy goes into this room and it's all in like 4k hd and he said you really feel like you're in this room yeah and you walk up to a piano and you interact with this guy that's at the piano. He's like, it is a mind fuck.

He said it's so stunning and so realistic that it just makes you realize, oh, my God, this is like if technology inevitably, we all agree, is going to continue to get better. I mean, we've all experienced nothing but that in our life. There's been some bottlenecks along the way, but people always figure out some new power source or some new battery supply or so. People figure out how to get,

people unlike any of us in this room, right? They figure out how to get through that shit. We assume that they're gonna keep doing that. And if they keep doing that, if they're at that now, in 2015, this insanely fucking rich, high-definition Oculus Rift where you're looking around, it almost feels like you're in the room. Apparently, the way they filmed it, feels like you're in the room.

Apparently, the way they filmed it, they put cameras all over the guy. Yeah. So, like, everywhere you look, like, they have, like, an image for that. Wow. Like, you can look down, you can look up, you can look at the sky, you can walk through the room and look behind you. Like, you're walking into it like it's a three-dimensional environment. And they're going to be able to do that with these, they have these, like, circular treadmills. They're 3D treadmills. So, it's like theills So it's like the hollow sweet from Star Wars. Yes. Yes

You're just running around in these things you put the headgear on and you sort of like run around on this Multidirectional treadmill like the treadmill goes left and right and back and forth and as you're moving around on it like eventually you sort of get a groove with what you're seeing in your headset and what you're feeling when you're running around. And you're running through this artificial world. Wow. This is going to get really intense, man. Yeah, then what are the long-term effects of that? In short term, it's like, oh, I don't know.

But, like, long-term is something different, too. Like, how does it feel once you, like, the kids today, like your kids. A lot of people get sick from it, though. That's a big problem. Oh, yeah, it's nauseous. That's what they kept saying in South Park, too. It's like, I kids today, like your kids. A lot of people get sick from it, though. That's a big problem. Oh, yeah, it's nauseous. That's what they kept saying in South Park, too. It's like, I'm kind of nauseous. Yeah, some people have a really hard time with, like, car sickness and shit.

Because they're not quite even with it. You don't know which way it's going, or you look down, and it looks a little bit less down than you're looking. Yeah, I have one, and it kind of makes me, after, like, a good three minutes, I'm like, all right, I got to take it off. Because it didn't read your eyeballs. So if you look down, then you're looking to there, but then you look further down with your eyeballs, you you know but it just reads that your head is going

down maybe because when i'm in a front seat on laurel canyon and not driving i don't know when it's going to turn right or left that's when i get the most nauseous what they're going to do eventually they're going to be able to 3d map your body and you're going to be able to just show up like kick in the door of an orgy and and chicks are just gonna hop onto your dick and you're gonna feel it you're gonna feel them touching your body feel them touch you know go into this thing with electrodes placed various spots in your head i mean if you make it perfectly real perfectly real where your body can't tell a difference then i mean you're not really gonna have a reason to leave the only reason to leave and see the outside world is because like well

you can't replace reality. But if you can replace reality, then it's like, really, there's no difference. Stay there. You would want to live in somewhere that really sucks. Like Montana in the winter. Just for like a day? Yeah, just where it's really brutal. You want just to appreciate the reality difference between what this artificial world is that you have in your little computer setup and what the real world is outside.

I wonder if you get happiness getting sun in the artificial world. I'll bet you could. If it would fill you with vitamin D. Sun while you're getting blown on the beach. Come on, sun. You know you're at the mast of a boat. Dr. King's real dream.

Hanging on. You've got it wrapped around your wrist several times. You're holding on to the mast. You're being pulled across the ocean. You can do all those things like that. While chicks are blowing you. Wow. Come on. You're being pulled across the ocean. You can do all those things like that. While chicks are blowing you. Wow.

Come on. That'd be great. That's living. That'd be great. Can you imagine? If we really do come up with some sort of technology that replicates that, I mean, what incentive do people have to engage in regular life? So they're not going to. So let's just assume they're going to stop because I don't see a reason why they would.

That's scary as fuck. To think that you could create an artificial world that would be so intoxicating that people wouldn't want to participate in the regular world. We're on that direction now. As soon as this podcast ends, you both, all three of you, and I would have too, are going to bury yourself in your phone for the next 30 minutes. Incorrect, sir. Like, I got to catch up.

I got to catch up. Incorrect. My willpower is outstanding. You feel a nagging at you at all times too, right? I certainly do. That's like a pull. I gotta check this.

I gotta stop. I gotta check this. I'm getting way better at it. I'm getting way better at like putting it down and just leaving it somewhere. Developing a manner system about it. But people get upset.

That's the other thing. If someone texts you and they're like, you know, and they'll text you like three hours later or not and like, sorry, I just got back phone like i put it down for a while i don't want to be always available at all times go see a movie people like don't even give you time yeah i plug it in and just like drop it off and i forget i even have it on you gotta do that i think you

gotta disconnect and i i know you promote shows and you promote shows and i promote shows and you know like you you can use that as an excuse. But I think there's something very admirable about what you're doing. I think there's some wisdom in what you're doing too. Well, that's all I wanted, some goddamn respect. Yeah, I'm respecting it. I think it's the move. I think to have both is the move, but to give that to your closest friends,

I think that's the move. So when you have to do some horse shit, you know, you got to do some fucking tax problems, you got to your closest friends. I think that's the move. So when you have to do some horse shit, you know, you got to do some fucking tax problems, you got to call an attorney, you have that guy. Sign this and fax it back to me. Do all that shit on their phone. Do that on the iPhone.

But all your friends, your actual real social interactions, if you put someone in your regular flip phone, you really care about them. You just keep this in your car just in case if you need to drive or go see a good restaurant. I keep it in my car car so i couldn't even use it in my bed yeah and you keep that on you so just to make if you maybe i'll plug the battery into the into the thing and then

super glue that so i literally cannot unplug it from the car charger ever again yeah well i saw it in my car leaving my car that's actually a good move yeah yeah i mean you could always like break it loose and go some asshole super glued my charger to my phone can you fix this i just get your new one i guess but that'd be too hard to get on right then to go on twitter apple care they probably have a kensington lock or or a case that's a kensington lock which is just a lock it's just a case for an iphone that you can just connect it to a wire. Kind of what they use as displays at Apple stores. Oh, right, where you can't get it off. You can't steal it.

Oh, yeah, something like that. Oh, like it glues to it and it clamps on the outside of it. Yeah, I guess if they have them at Best Buy, they would have to be able to sell them to regular people. It's not like it's government secrets or some shit. You could probably buy one of those. Yeah, you probably could. You just keep that shit in your car

or maybe in your house. Great. Let's go to an Apple store after here and we'll get you an iPhone. Why do you guys have to be that crazy? The care,

the care that I need to get in the game. I'm off the train for a little bit. You know, I'm an heroin junkie. I'm not off the grid. I'm just off the train.

It's hard to track you with that phone. And where you at? That didn't catch on, the where you at thing. Where you at? Oh, there's a button where I can track my friends at all times. That was one of the, with that phone and where you at that didn't catch on the where you were oh there you are i could track my friends at all times that was one of the uh this there's several things to stand out

as being uh ridiculous to call racist uh one of them was you know what happened with margaret cho at the golden globes you know with this thing margaret showed the golden globes uh played kim jung uh un's publicist from North Korea. Oh, really? She put, like, white face on, like, put on, like, pale makeup and, like, played the dictator or a dictator

or someone who works for the dictator, right? And people were saying that it's racist. I'm like, dude, she's fucking Korean. She's that race. That's the race she is. She said it's not racist. It's racist. Margaret Jones didn't give a fuck, huh?

She's great. Well, she's fucking Korean. Not only that, she's mixed North Korean and South Korean. Okay, so fuck off, man. She can say whatever she wants. Like, it's just people are just waiting. They are just sweaty trigger fingers ready to be offended. I'm offended.

Saying something's racist is not racist. Just saying a racist thing is not racist. Acts'm offended. Saying something's racist is not racist. Just saying a racist thing is not racist. Acts are racist. Murdering people because they're black, that's racist. Just saying,

I hate black people, you haven't done anything to the world. So fine, so it's racist, you haven't done anything. Go after people who are actually doing something.

Yeah, I guess. Oh, this guy has that opinion. Okay, so let him have that opinion. Just ignore him. That's him being his racist self. Fine. But you can't not hire black people at your company

or we're going to run you out of here. That's the line. Doing something. Yeah, but you don't want a hostile work environment. No, you don't want someone who's going up to people and say, fuck you, chink. You don't want that. And obviously I chose chink

because the other one's going to be too divisive. The other word? The N-1. Are you going to say that? I was thinking of it. I switched last minute and it came up with chink. Be scared. You don't want that. one's gonna be too divisive the other than another word the end one are you gonna say that i was thinking of it i switched last minute it came with a chunk be scared you don't want that but if someone wants to think that then fucking fine yeah don't do anything about it fine right you don't want them around you right but that's not up to you i don't want fucking but but raiders fans around

me either if that's not up to me okay ari if you start a factory yeah producing ari shafir t-shirts and you're in that office all day long, and you choose to answer the phone because you want to take care of this business, correct? Yeah. And you hire two guys, and one of them turns out to be racist, and every day he says a bunch of stupid racist shit,

and he poisons the environment. He's making the environment bad. That's different. Well, they all are. Anybody that's racist or sexist or aggressively shitty. No, if they say something at home, and I find out they say something later outside of office hours at home,

then no, that's not a problem for my office. Not outside of, okay. It's legal to join the Klan. How dare you. It's legal to do this very outspokenly racist thing. That's legal. You know the Klan is trying to invite Puerto Ricans in? Really?

Why? They're inviting all these other people in. Shoring up? They're trying to expand their horizons. Seems like a mistake. No, they're not. Yes, they are. Oh, my God.

That's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Here, I'll pull up a story. The KKK is trying to expand their horizons. Doesn't seem like a good idea. What?

Inviting minorities? Nah, just Puerto Ricans. Why bother? Well, I think they're trying to say this is All it does to vilify people that say racist things is make it so that

no one can speak. The KKK is accepting black members here is what is actually happening this is hilarious yeah just come into the clubhouse guys uh just go through the story sexual jewish people yes you're ready expanding to accept african americans man you would really have to hate other black people to join the kkk as a black guy click on it instead of just trying it's... Yeah, we're having a bit of an issue here. Well, in this time, I guess I should tell you guys

that starting a week from Thursday, my storyteller show, This Is Not Happening, is on every night after at midnight. Oh, good Lord. That's amazing. People who do it include, from this podcast, Joe Rogan and me. Incredible. Kreischer's on, Diaz is on,

a bunch of people, D.L. Hughley, Rob Corddry. Kreischer's on. Diaz is on. A bunch of people. D.L. Hughley. Rob Corddry. Oh, my goodness. Segura. Powerful Tom Segura. Fucking bunch of people.

Miss Pat. I'm forgetting a lot. But anyway, eight weeks. Oh, there it is. There it is. I think you can see a full episode right now if you go to this Comedy Central app

or Comedy Central stand-up app. I gotta tell you, I like the classic jacket you're wearing there. You like that? I got that in Hong Kong. It looks good. It looks Comedy Central stand up app. I got to tell you, I like the classic jacket you're wearing there. You like that? I got that in Hong Kong. It looks good. It looks nice.

Looking very good. They told me I had to break out one outfit the whole time. And I was like, you know what? Now's the right time for this suit. Yeah. How many suits do you have? Two now. I got them both made in Hong Kong.

Damn. I had a third, but that was like move out to LA, find a real job. Did you decide like the style? Did you just pick something off the wall? He helped me decide. Uh-uh. It was handmade. That looks nice..A., find a real job. Did you decide, like, the style? Did you just pick something off the wall? He helped me decide. Uh-oh, it was handmade. That looks nice. I mean, a style off the wall.

Do they have a style to choose from? Yeah, there's, like, a few different cuts you can choose. Rocky, he's the best. That's amazing, dude. You're wearing tailored suits. That's dope as fuck. 300 bucks. Son, you're a baller.

You're an international baller. International baller. Look at you, Shafir. And it's not herpes. I remember when you were a doorman at the comedy store. Now you're an international motherfucking baller. A true American success story. True American.

Holla at your boy, Ari Shafir. Thanks. Are you excited to have your special play? I'm excited. I've got to be honest, man. The people who listen to this podcast are the reason I was able to do that. You know, Comedy Central

would even come up to a guy like me. It's because of the force behind this thing. There's no way. I can try to be as good as I want, but if I'm an outsider,

which I was, that's it. They ain't coming calling that way. Yeah, you know, there's no outsiders anymore. Yeah. You know,

this is the, like these kind of shows, internet shows, where there's no network behind it, that's the last bridge. Yeah. You know, the last bridge between just straight comics. Yeah, exactly. It's shows, internet shows, where there's no network behind it. That's the last bridge. Yeah. You know, the last bridge between just straight comics.

Yeah, exactly. It's like, I'll just find my own people. Yeah. So people find me, and that's great, and they put the money behind it, do a cool special at the comedy store, make it look all cool. Yeah, yeah. Don't play any of it, Jeremy. It looks great, though, the stage. Yeah, the look of it.

It looks great. Yeah, I like the way that came out. Yeah, it looks awesome. I mean, it's so obviously the OR, but yet with like a little twist to it with those lights behind you. It's pretty cool. Just like ever so slightly. I took it down so much. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. Why this light bulb? Get it out. Get it out. Why this light bulb? No, get it out. Yeah, that fucking room is magical. Oh, that looks great.

That room doesn't leave any, there's no space for horseshit leave any there's there's no space for in that there's no space for yeah it's weird it's weird like a riff and it's like good luck well you can you can that's a bad example i mean like if it's not all there and you're like oh that should have worked like no he wasn't good you've made a bad riff it's okay they're not gonna just laugh anyway well it just forces you into that position where you really gotta try hard to find the right words and like that's one of the things that I was talking about earlier about this time that we're in right now. One of the cool things about it is that there's so many other really funny guys around that we're all feeding off each other and you get inspired by each other. So you like everything is sort of ramped up and you're even in your mind, like all your your connections to comedy, your ideas are sort of ramped up because there's all these really good guys around you all the time.

You know, I think that's huge for any sort of artistic. Oh, yeah, absolutely. The bar, you see the bar set higher. Yeah. Once you see the bar set all high, then it's like, well, that's what I should be aiming for. And if you fall short of that, which you will in the beginning anyway, then it's like you're falling short at a 50th percentile.

But if the bar is set at 40, if you fall barely short, you're still at 39. Well, I think also one of the things that we sort of exhibited after I left the comedy store and when we started doing a lot of shit on the internet and started doing this podcast is that we're all sort of like banding together as like a group. Like there's a group of comedians that are all banding together as like a group. Like there's a group of comedians that are all banding together. And the more everybody else does good, the more everybody else does good. Yeah, they like more comedy.

I see people see Fulcheron. Like I saw my Fulcheron. I said, great, man. Yeah, you should know about him. He's in your town. You should go. The guy's like that. It's like, go.

Everybody's feeding off everybody. And it's getting to this like really interesting like pitch. And if you look at, like, great communities of musicians, great communities of comics, like the old Boston days that everybody always talks about. Like, I think this day right now is the heyday. Like, we're in the heyday right now. When I look around. Golden era.

Absolutely. I agree with you. Golden era. Without any of us in this room, when I look, I just extract us from the equation. Just look at all the, if you were just a comedy fan that was an insurance salesman or whatever,

like this is maybe the best time ever. Yeah. There's so many guys I want to see right now. And one of those guys has a special premiering Friday the 16th at midnight,

11.59, and his storyteller show premiering January 22nd at 12.30 a.m. But you should just buy it at the extra footage at Ari Shaffir the Great. Yeah, but some people just don't open up the e-wallets that way. If you're not a buyer, then you're not a buyer.

Still watch it. Yeah, but just for the G&A, I think. The G&A is great. How do you feel about people pirating the G&A? Is that ultra-insulting? No. What do you mean? Why would it be insulting if someone said,

Hey, everybody, look at this awesome thing. Hey, everybody, come look at this thing. Because they're pirating your G&A. Do you not understand what I'm saying? You know a cheap joke. Oh, I get it I get it. I get it. I get it. Sorry my fault You're a non-jewish supporter of pirating like you never give a fuck never I don't have this attitude like trying to maximize your income. It's like so people get you yeah this attitude like trying to maximize your income

that's how people get you yeah of course that's how they get you the GNA is only available for the download so if you don't get by the download

how else are you gonna see it other than somebody fucking doing something with it somebody saying hey you should come see this that's the way people you know the old wrestling tapes were like that

let me show you oh this wrestling match you didn't know about that's how you fucking that's why I just did a thing with wrestling wrestling? yeah people used to trade tapes cause there were like the regional ones that were on like local TV match you didn't know about. That's how you fucking, that's how I just did a thing with wrestling. Wrestling? Yeah.

People used to trade tapes because there were like the regional ones that were on like local TV. Oh, good lord. So people would have old tapes and like, oh, look at this guy's moves.

And they wouldn't, it wasn't pirating, it was like sharing information. That's all this shit is. I couldn't put up my own hotel set for fucking,

because Viacom kept taking it down. Really? So I had to call Comedy Central. I'm like, can you please put up my hotel set? And they're like, yeah, okay. Really? But I had to call Comedy Central. I'm like, can you please put up my hotel set? And they're like, yeah, okay.

Wow. But it's like, oh, just let me disperse my information. Yeah, and if, I think people are under the impression that if something's online, they won't watch the television as much. They're separate markets. Yeah. Separate markets.

You know, Bo Burnham released his special on Netflix and YouTube. Yeah. Well, he's a YouTube celebrity. I know. But the people who watch shit like that on YouTube are not the kind of people who watch. It's just like they're sort of separate. There's a little overlap, but they're sort of separate. There's enough people.

I watch concerts online. And also overall for ticket sales. It's great. Well, there's also enough people that spend that seven bucks a month every month on Netflix and it's just as easy to get it through Netflix. Like there's so many options of things that you can watch if you watch something like Netflix. Yeah.

And no commercials. No commercials. $7, no commercials. Hulu has commercials, right? Hulu has commercials, yeah. Annoying ones, the same ones. Yeah. Like, why are you showing the same commercial three times in an episode?

It is pretty fast, though. They're trying to steal your soul. They crank it extra loud, too. They don't have those rules on them. on man my neighbors are really listening yeah like if you're watching the walking dead or something like that that's really spooky yeah being quiet yeah geico look at the lizard come on you're invasive you know it's funny all these networks have this very specific like this is what we want our network to be to be about and then take these ads that are so offensive to anyone's sense of creativity taco bell ads they're just garbage based on shitty jokes you've seen a thousand times you're like

this is what you're putting on in between your awesome shows nothing make a better standard for your commercials like what would you like? It bothers, either straight pitch, you know, use this bank, we'll get you a better APR, or not corny. Hmm. Is the time of the intrusive commercial gone? Intrusive.

Is it too ridiculous? Yeah, it seems ridiculous now. You're getting all this awesome entertainment, that's why nobody plays commercials on podcasts. And if you want to watch... In the middle of it

and go a real commercial? A lot of guys still do. But if you want to watch like a television show... The White Castle a real commercial? A lot of guys still do. But if you want to watch like a television show... The White Castle? No. That's why you're a whole year. Sorry.

If you want to watch a television show on A&E that's also available on iTunes, you're going to have to watch with commercials. What are you talking... It's crazy. Isn't it crazy?

It's crazy. I haven't watched TV like that in so long. It just seems like... It's just so crazy. What? That will be in the future what we think of as Blockbuster video right now. Like, the idea of going to Blockbuster and getting a video is so alien right now.

Like, unless you're, like, in Hawaii, you know, and you're staying in a room that has a DVD player. When the fuck are you renting DVDs? You're not. Never. That shit's ridiculous. A lot of people do that at Redbox, but that's, like, middle America. Those people. Those fucking miners and shit. Never. That shit's ridiculous. A lot of people do that at Redbox, but that's like middle America. Those people. Those fucking minors and shit.

Yeah. It's like older people. I mean, they go to the grocery store, they can pick up a movie. I think it's the standards, too. Like, what do you, somebody, some interviewer asked me, like, what do I think about the standards? I'm like, they're not for the people who would like me. The standards? Yeah, like, you're not allowed to say these words or something like that, you know?

Like FCC rules. But, like, anyone who would become a fan of mine wouldn't care about those rules Yeah, so for me to say fuck or for me to say something gross. It's like none of my fans will care Yeah, the idea that you're gonna like it's a housewives What are you doing? That's not me and my fans get out. They won't watch anyway There's plenty of dummies out there that don't want to hear you swearing. That would be offended by a certain subject matter. Right. There's nothing you're going to do about that.

Just don't watch. But there's so many people. That's the thing that people aren't considering. That people never considered when they were giving advice to comics back in the day. When they're telling them to be clean. Yeah, there's so many people. If you get a piece of the pie. The pie's massive.

You can fill up on a piece of the pie. The pie is ridiculously big. Yeah, one millionth of a percentage. The pie has 300 million possible people in this country. And look at Starbucks. Their company's like, oh, this is great. We expand and expand it, not just in Seattle. And then all over the country.

It's like, great. It's like, oh, guess what? The pie is fucking 18 times that big. Yeah. Go to the whole world. And they're like, what? And then you make so much more money. Exactly, Ari Shafir

And it's all about the money Boom boom Boom boom Five or ten dollars To get my special Paid regular That's out right now At ari shafir.com

It's five or ten You can get ten It gets the audio too Oh you get like a double So it's out on iTunes On Tuesday Oh that's cool So you get like a package deal

Yeah you get a package deal The video and the audio Yeah Damn son moving forward Yeah I'm trying to arrange With Comedy Central too So we're trying to get this Like algorithm Or just based on So you get like a package deal. Yeah, you get a package deal. The video and the audio. Yeah. Damn, son, moving forward. Yeah. I'm trying to arrange with Comedy Central too, so we're trying to get this like algorithm or just based on like,

because they're like starting a new system and they're pretty cool. They're like, all right, you've done this online before. Tell us, like, what do you got? Any thoughts? And I was like, yeah, when someone buys a Joe Rogan special,

after that it said you might also like, and then you got to tell, find some names of guys, like Segura's Half Hour or My Hour like yeah that should come up and then if you like me then after you watch that it's like here's some

other people you might like not just random dudes don't put a Bob Saget after me right people you actually do like but like have it like this is a similar

don't say no not ant but like have it don't say it three times it'll show up yeah need somebody to say something homophobic

that's fine that's fine kick the door in up. Yeah. Need somebody to say something homophonic? Dat fam. Dat fam. He's going to kick the door in. Yeah, just have shit like that. So they're trying to build stuff like that

for their website, for the CC Direct stuff. And it's like, yeah, keep building. Yeah, that's a good idea. That's a good idea.

All due respect to Dat fam. I voted for him. Did you? Yeah, it was first year. You voted? You actually called

in and voted? No, I was one of the judges. Oh. Yeah. I voted on the show that got him in. I could just see Joe at home opening his phone and going, I'm going to contribute. I'll be part of the solution.

That was when... Him and Ralphie May head-to-head for one and two, right? Oh, yeah. Ralphie May was there. Who was three that year? I don't remember. Me neither. I was just in the beginning, like when they were trying out to be on the show.

Oh, right. I was one of the judges on that. They'd have comics go up and do sets. Yusuf just tried out for the new season. Really? He said it was the best trial process I've ever seen. Wow. They don't reject you or accept you right there.

They just go up. There's a full crowd at the improv. Go up, do three minutes, get off, leave. Who's the host now? I don't know. Maybe Wanda Sykes. Oh,. Go up, do three minutes, get off, leave. Who's the host now? I don't know. Maybe Wanda Sykes. Oh, that's a good move.

No, they had her already. Bill Bellamy did it for a while, right? Yeah, he was never here. How dare you? He was here. I'm a fan. Bill Bellamy till I die. Till I die forever.

That was, who was Ingram's black character? What's Ingram's black character? Darnell. Darnell. Darnell. His favorite comic was Bill Bellamy. He goes,

oh, you remember that one bit where he like, with the Rolodex, to call bitches? It's like, Darnell. Or maybe Darnell

was his cousin. Darnell was his cousin. What the fuck? Why can't I remember his name? Oh, yeah. Marijuana. Marijuana. Fucks with your memory.

No, Darnal was Ingram's character's cousin. Did you hear about Jeremiah what happened? Watkins? Yeah. What? He got skin cancer, and he got a big chunk taken out of his back. Whoa. Yeah.

I'm doing a show tonight. Me too. Are you? The Three Clubs show. Yeah. Yeah. He's doing a show tonight. Me too. Are you? The Three Clubs show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's got his arm brace on. I was like, what happened?

Why do you have an arm brace on? The answer. Maybe, what if we found out that Satan fucked him in the ass and shot his demon load on Oh, and that would make cancer. Ate through his skin. That would make cancer. If we found out that he was German, I was just tired of being on the periphery. It's a funny comic.

It's got a lot of talent. It just needs to do with a lot of these other guys have done. They made a deal with the devil. Satan's late. I'm just going to put the tip in. Just the tip. People say I shouldn't trust you. I don't need to do much

because you're very talented already. Oh, really? I'm just going to have to put the tip in. It's just the tip. Oh, what's that noise? Relax. It's hard to relax when you're talking to me like that.

I can't just be the tip. That was like a six-mile tip. You hear the fluttering of his wings as he shoots his hot load on your back. A crackle of hot olive oil. As your skin fucking Rides in agony Where his load Ate through That's it folks

Good night That's the end of this podcast That's great Friday January What? 16th On where?

11.59 Comedy Central 11.59 Set your DVRs right now Why even risk it? Well if it's 11.59 That means that it's uncensored correct

yeah yes beautiful glorious uncensored on television he can say cunty I said cunty

on Comedy Central so they don't put bleeps over the cuss words there that's right baby oh that's good that's right oh yeah okay yeah

watch that then yeah oh that's good oh fuck yeah bleeps are annoying they do whatever they want yeah and then the following week January 22nd

Thursday and every Thursday after that This Is Not Happening premieres. The first one's with me, Bobby Lee, Keegan-Michael Key. Chrysler's on the second one, and the intro to the second one is amazing. Jeff Tomczyk, that guy who did the intros, did eight different intros for eight episodes. Wow. He's out of his mind. That's awesome.

Good googly moogly, ladies and gentlemen. Good googly moogly. Joe Rogan's on week five or six, I think. Four. That was fun, man. Yeah. Awesome crowd. I love the fact that you're doing it in that weird little strip joint place, too.

Yeah. This place. Weird environment. It's got such a great vibe. It's a little unpretentious vibe. I think the vibe of that place helps those shows. Mm-hmm. Because it's not a comedy club where you demand set up punchlines.

It's a strip club. Relax. What are you upset about? People beast themselves here. Yeah, and you're having a lot of people that come on that aren't even comics. You have McCordry, Shear. Yeah. It's great.

Yeah. It's a great idea, man. It's beautiful. Keegan. Beautiful to see it on Comedy Central. Ari's ballin'. Chaka, chaka, chaka. We actually got this tomorrow.

Oh, that's right. Oh, we're doing that, too. Yeah, January 14th we will all be at the comedy store for Sam Tripoli's Joe Rogan naughty show

that I think it starts at 9pm is that correct yeah dog Jesus Rogan Jeffries lots of Ari Shafir is gonna be

Morgan Murphy's gonna be there January 30th I'm at the Mirage in Lost Wages Dude Cerrone's fighting again. After you told him, like, you may as well get in there and ask to fight again. Yeah, he got right back in. Three weeks later.

I've never seen twice in a month. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. God. Yeah, I wish you were coming with me, man. Yeah, that would be cool. I got all this shit. Fuck. Yeah, that'd be cool.

Yeah, I'm going to Boston with Ian. Was that a Joe Lozon fight? Was he supposed to fight Benson? Joe was supposed to fight. I think he got hurt. I don't fight? Was he supposed to fight Benson? Joe was supposed to fight. I think he got hurt. I don't know if he was supposed to fight Benson. I don't remember the original. He was supposed to fight somebody, though, right?

Yeah. Yes, he was supposed to be, but I believe he got injured. Wow. Yeah. Well, thanks, Joe Rogan. This has been fun as always. Thank you, Ari Shafir. You're fucking awesome.

Only reason to come into the Valley is to do the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Shit on the Valley. I was born here till I die all right uh that's it you awesome people oh january 30th mirage vegas ian edwards and tony hinchcliffe see you guys soon much love big kiss bye Thank you.