The Joe Rogan Experience - #605 - Barry Rothbart

Episode Date: January 28, 2015

Barry Rothbart is a comedian, actor and writer. Check him out soon when his story airs on Comedy Central's "This Is Not Happening" hosted by Ari Shaffir on February 12 at 12:30am.

The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. Barry Rothbard, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, dude? Oh, nothing. I'm feeling good. California weed. Gotcha, right?

Yeah. right little bit that Queens weed is just not the same no no it's there is no weed in Queens Queens is

you gotta go to the Bronx I used to go up to Fordham to get weed Queens isn't that where are you from well I used to I was born in New Jersey oh okay

I lived in Boston for most of my young adult life when I lived in New York I lived in New Rochelle, which is outside of Queens. But that's like close to where weed is. Yeah, but I didn't smoke weed back then, very, very rarely. I didn't smoke weed until I was 30 living here.

Right. I discovered weed and I was just like, man, movies are great. Who knew? Ice cream is delicious. Who knew that movies were amazing? Yeah, everything is better. Yeah. Everything.

I was like, oh, my God, there's like, Ben Folds is great. You know, you're just like, as soon as you take your first hit of weed, you're just like, oh, my God, Ben Folds? And those are the things that people don't like about people that smoke weed when they talk about it. Like, yeah, oh, my God, this movie's amazing. Yeah. Oh, look at the sunset. Shut up.

But it is. It is, yeah. The sunset's incredible. It's a weird thing. That's a weird thing with the people that don't like the effects of pot. Because the effects of pot, it's just like you become calmer

and super appreciative of everything. They'll call it stoner talk. But what it really is is recognizing the wonder in things that you ordinarily take for granted. I think a lot of that has to do with time dilation because things feel longer, so I think you're able to appreciate

things in the moment a little bit more. Yeah, definitely possible. A minute feels like two minutes. I think there's a bunch of things going on, right? No, that's it that's the only thing that's why does life seem uh shorter though like it seems like every year goes faster is that because we're so stoned and it's like it doesn't add up no i think that's just a facet of recognizing how brief it really is as you get get older and you hit 40, you go, oh, Jesus, if everything goes great,

I'm at the halfway point. Like, if I don't get cancer, hit by a bus, die in a car accident, like, all these different variables that you start to consider, and then you realize, like, how, when you work all day, too, you think about how quick a goddamn day goes by.

Are you saying that things slow down when you get older? No, I'm saying, you're saying it slows down when you smoke weed and you appreciate everything, but yet life seems like it's going faster at the same time. Right, but as I've gotten older, I've actually been way more appreciative of things.

In my 20s, I was just like, who cares? Yeah. I'm way more appreciative too, but I agree with you that time does seem like it's going faster. It's February this weekend. Oh my god. It's february isn't that amazing it was just january yeah well not only that it was just july it was hot it's like a year is not nearly as long as we used to think it was and i think part of that also is when you're a kid you're in fucking school and those nine months of classes seem like forever it's an eternity

because you're forced to do something you don't want to do yeah once you get older and you know you kind of recognize what that really was you realize how short a year actually is but if you ask a 21 year old right now it's like is a year long and they're like dude it's totally long like i wonder if they if they feel that's a good impression of a 21 year old well it's a percentage of their life too you know it's so long that's true that's true 20 years old and you know yeah you see you see things in a different perspective when you're older yeah you know you could look back on two years and it's just like oh my god like that two years was nothing yeah when you're a kid you're just like that's like a third of my life two years we're time travelers yeah yeah i mean when you're a little kid like every year is a huge deal you know that's why you say like i'm four and a half you know no one says i'm

24 and a half that's true imagine if you were dating a girl and you go how old are you she's like 24 and a half you're like i gotta go you're you're six a girl and you go, how old are you? She's like 24 and a half. You're like, I got to go. You're fucking, you're six. You're like, you have some genetic abnormality that makes you look like you're 24. 24 and a fourth. Yeah, there's, that's a weird thing about kids today, right? With this, this thing that they're saying that hormones in the meat are causing them to reach puberty quicker than ever before. And that girls that are like 12 and 13 years old, they look like women.

And they're getting fur. Have you noticed girls are getting furrier lately? I think it's from the meat. Is this your own subject? So wait, hold on. Your own test? Well, have you noticed that? No.

So there's hormones in meat that are making kids grow up quicker? I didn't hear that. Well, there's a bunch of factors that they believe are making kids grow quicker and reach puberty quicker and also become larger. They think it's a high-protein diet that Americans take. Like, we have incredibly abundant resources when it comes to food. Crazy meat. Yeah.

Hormone-filled. And on top of that, antibiotics. They're thinking antibiotics are having a weird effect on people because you're absorbing a certain amount of it from the food that you eat. Right. There's a lot of variables. Well, why are, when you look back at humans from like 100 years ago, why are they so much smaller? They didn't have much food. Is that it?

Yeah, it was hard to get food back then. I don't even mean fat smaller, like just smaller, smaller. That's a function of having, yeah, well, not having enough food. Right. You know, when you look at what people can do today, where you just go into a supermarket and you get cold meat, like, that wasn't that easy back then. Right, right.

There was no freezers. I just saw a documentary about the Russian hockey team, and they were saying how they came to America for the first time in the 70s, like the one that we beat in the 80s. And they were like, you can get vegetables in the winter? What does this mean yeah right how do you get fruit and vegetables when people can't grow them here yeah our shipping the ability to get oranges from florida to new mexico it's fucking incredible like that's never existed in

time so 100 years ago they had to eat what was near them. Yeah. And they had the ice house where I'm at tonight in Pasadena was an ice house. It was a place they would take giant blocks of ice from the great north. They would put them on boats. They would put them in these cargos that were insulated. They had these thick walls and steel and all this different stuff to try to encapsulate the cold. Right. And then they would bring them to Pasadena and you would go and buy ice and you would put it in your ice box so if you had milk or something like that and you didn't

want it to go bad you want it to last like two days no preservatives there's no preservatives right they didn't have any you had to just store everything everything but but not only that everything went quick you couldn't you had to keep shopping you had to go to the grocery store like every other day and when are we talking when is this 100 years ago 100 years ago yeah so the people that you're looking at these little tiny like civil war people men were like 125 pounds that was like the average size for a man well athletes look yeah i mean you know everybody's always comparing like what if current athletes played athletes from the 60s oh it would destroy them. It would be such a slaughter fest. People are bigger, faster, even without steroids.

There would be a few people that would survive. It's always crazy when people are just like, well, what if Wilt Chamberlain went against LeBron James? And it's like, not even a contest. But if Wilt Chamberlain was still a giant man, the other thing is if Wilt Chamberlain lived today. They didn't have the speed. They didn't have the speed. They didn't have the game is so quicker and different in every sport. But don't you think that they, like, Will Chamberlain was a super athlete.

He was a big, tall, strong dude. So if he just got involved in the same sort of strength and conditioning programs that today's modern athletes get involved with, understood nutrition, recovery, all the different shit that, like, Kobe Bryant does. Like, Kobe Bryant was one of the first guys to go to Germany and get that blood spinning procedure. I know. He was on top of the cryogenic thing, too, before anybody. He goes to those 250 degree below zero booths for like three minutes.

Which, why is that legal if steroids aren't? Well, it's not as good. That's why. It's pretty good, but it's not as good as steroids. Steroids turn you into a super person. But what these guys can do today with all that is partially why they're so good. And also that people imitate their atmosphere. If you're around a bunch of Michael Jordans, it elevates the game.

It's not that the physical capabilities of the elite athletes are that much different. I think you just have to be better. You look at the people who came before you, and you're not going to be like, well, I'll settle for half of what they did. You're going to be like, I've got to be better than that. Could you imagine if Babe Ruth came back and tried to compete against Jose Canseco when Jose Canseco was in his juice and prime? First of all, I feel like Babe Ruth would be brought up on rape charges immediately.

Immediately. Just be like, he would be the Bill Cosby of baseball. Like, that was probably just like, oh, yeah, of course. She said no. You're on the Yankees. Yeah. Well, I think rape was probably, like, super duper duper common, you know, a thousand years ago.

Like, almost everybody raped i guarantee you you can go back to a point of like really primitive man what it was unbelievably common and i think that's like one of the things that people are freaking out about today like when you know this whole argument about rape culture and discussion about rape jokes and all this thing like in a court like how funny of a defense that would be. Go back 100 years ago, man. It's totally normal. So I have a slave. Dude, do you not know how this country was founded?

That's like the Second Amendment argument. This country's founded to right to bear arms. It's also founded by people that own slaves. Those people you worship were slave owners. Yeah, and it was founded by people who couldn slaves. Right. Like, those people you worship were slave owners. Yeah. And it was founded by people who couldn't fit in in Europe. Yeah. You know, people who just were like, I don't, you know, I'm the weirdo here.

And people that were so fucking fed up that they got in a boat with no vegetables and they went across the ocean. No vegetables. No energy bars. Nothing. A lot of them got sick as fuck. People died on that trip. I mean, that's a long trip with shitty, shitty food. Yeah.

What did they eat back then? Like beef jerky and stuff? Like what could they preserve? Fish. They probably just ate fish, right? If they caught fish. Did they catch fish? Is that proven?

They would have to try to catch fish. Why would you not? You're in the ocean. That would be crazy. I would assume grain. Probably a lot of grain. Well, they're also always traveling, too. Like, when you're fishing, like, presumably the lot, even if you're trolling, which means, like, pulling behind.

I would imagine the boat would be going faster than that if it's got oars. I mean, sails, rather, those big, crazy fucking sails. How about they're going faster than you would want to troll for? So you're not going to slow down on the off chance that you catch a fish. What's trolling? Trolling is like when they take a line and they pull it behind a boat with a hook and a flashy lure and the fish see it and they think it's a fish trying to swim away and they chase after it and they eat it.

They almost instinctive. They can't help themselves, but it's really great. Yeah. It's a boring way of fishing. I just went deep sea fishing in Redondo Beach this weekend. We just dropped a line down? Yeah. And I had a really bad experience.

I caught a pelican, a live pelican, because I didn't drop it quick enough, and the pelicans will go for it. I caught, like, I think a 50-pound pelican. Like, this pelican was gigantic. And they had to, like, some captain dude came out. He's like, I got this. And he pulled the pelican out by his beak out of the water and had to, like, cut the hook off. So he's just, like, living with a hook in him now.

Oh, my God. I had the same thing happen once with a seal. A seal stole a seal or a sea lion, one of those fucking things. I was fishing with these guys, these camera dudes from news radio. They were big-time fishermen. They'd go out every week. The show, NewsRadio? Yeah.

And I'm like, all right. One day I was like, come on, let's go, let's go. So we all went out fishing. I fucking didn't catch any fish, but I caught a fucking seal. Did you take it? No, we had to cut the line. It was so awful. Like, it's a mammal.

It's got a hook in its mouth. It's got, like, a personality. It's a testament to the intelligence of dolphins. Because you never hear about someone accidentally's a mammal. It's got a hook in its mouth. It's got, like, a personality. It's a testament to the intelligence of dolphins, because you never hear about someone accidentally catching a dolphin. Maybe that's what they used to eat back in the day, though. They would just get one big dolphin and feed, like, 20 people. And they might have ate dolphins or bigger fish instead of trying to catch these smaller fish.

Well, people definitely kill dolphins, but they would never. Have you seen the cove? Yeah, I mean, they kill and eat dolphins, for sure. It's crazy. They always have been. But they don't they're not you seen the cove. Yeah, I mean they kill and eat dolphins for sure They always have been but they don't catch them with hooks I mean if you'd have to like you have to jig them Which means like you'd have to pass throw the hook over their body and pull on it like catch their body They're not gonna willingly bite a fake fish. They're too smart. No, but dolphins are so nice They probably came up with like hey, can we help you guys and they're just like

like, hey, can we help you guys? And they're just like... Yeah, there's definitely been some of that. Hey, what's up, guys? You need help? They probably ate cuter things back in the day. You know, things that usually you're like, oh, look, a seal or a little baby sea lion. Back then, that was like, no, that's like turkey dinner for like three weeks for our village or something.

Yeah, I think we think things are too cute now. We've got to get over how cute things are. Was that the first bird that you almost killed? Have you killed a bird before? I've never killed a bird. Even killing a fish is weird. I'm not from the country where I grew up killing anything. Killing things are weird.

I don't know. I feel weird killing bugs sometimes. Yeah, it's a weird thing. I just feel weird. It's like weird to take a life, but you've got to. you know I got a year but it's even weirder that we have somebody else do it oh yeah cool with that that's that's the weirdest part about though isn't it it is and it's cool well it is cool well it's cool to be able to get like to just be able to go to the store and they have lamb

you know fucking amount of effort you would have to go through to get a sheep and kill it and butcher it and raise it pieces and then kill it fuck you got to be friends with it for a while so these people who are doing it are doing us a huge service but there's also a weirdness with people if you don't like you don't think of yourself as being a killer right while you're wearing like leather shoes you got a belt on that's made out of wearing nike that's made by like filipino kids with bloody fingers no fingernails i mean of course we can't we can't think about this stuff dehydrated that's like the contract we we make when we're like we want to live in a society where we have convenience right yeah i was listening to this radio lab podcast about cities and they were talking about like the hectic crazy pace of cities and

they were saying that the pace is directly mathematically related to how many people live in the city the pace the pace the pace of the way you talk the amount of syllables per second the amount of steps per minute that you take when you're walking directly related to the population of steps per minute that you take when you're walking, directly related to the population of the city. It was amazing. They, like, broke it down as a mathematical equation with these, like, physicists. They thought this through, and they've done all these tests where they called people,

they called post offices, they called, and they set up, like, waypoints. Like, here's, like, the start, here's the beginning. And they measured everybody who walks through that waypoint, like an unknown waypoint. They had no idea they were being studied. They put a piece of string down on the ground. They tied it to one post and another post, so they had an arbitrary beginning and end time.

And these people would walk through it, and they would count in every city what is the average number. So this guy walked 20 feet per second or whatever. This guy walked 15. And they would figure out how many steps, and they would throw it all into a computer. And they found out that it's directly proportional to how many people live in the area. Who's the fastest walkers? Do you remember?

Well, I didn't pay attention. I was just fascinated. They were just reading out a bunch of numbers. I should be skinny, though. Wouldn't L.A. be one of the most per capita people that live in the city? The most people in the per city, right? What do you imagine? I'd say L.A. is probably skinny.

Well, there's a lot of people in L.A., but L.A. is also spread out. But you shouldn't be skinny because of what you fucking eat and drink. That's so dumb that you think that way. I walk so much. If you walk a mile a day, you're probably spraining your ankle. I just don't think I'm a fast walker. You're not a fast walker. You have to walk a lot, I think, to actually lose weight from it.

I would assume. Sometimes I got into biking at some point and I was like, here we go. Here comes the exercise. Do you know how little exercise biking is? You have to ride like 25 miles a day to get like a really good workout on yeah that's a lot of risk 25 miles is 25 miles of a lot of risk 25 miles of possibility where

cars can hit lions cars cars fuck a lion man i'm talking about real things cars yeah well car mountain lions are a problem with people who dirt bike ride really yeah they say, they say it's like rolling a ball of yarn past a cat. You know, a cat can't resist themselves. When they see a mountain back go by, it's like they think it's trying to run from them. I hear they're fine with people, though, like hikers and stuff. Is that true? No, no, no, they're not. There's like mountain lions in Griffith.

Yeah. And like, I go hiking there. Am I at risk? Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, most likely the mountain lion's going to stay clear of you because they've learned over the years that when you fuck with people, you usually get killed. Yeah.

So they develop these instincts to stay shy of people. But if the wrong mountain lion with a sprained ankle finds you and you're there when it's hungry and it says, fuck it, I'm not starving to death, and it just takes you down. That can happen too. It doesn't happen that often. The jury's kind of out on how you deal with a mountain lion attack, right? It's not the same as a bear. You don't play dead, right?

No, no, no, no, no. You fight back. You fight back. You punch it in the face. You fight back. Or is that a shark? Well, you do whatever you can. If you can punch it, punch it.

You do whatever you can. You want to make it so that it's worried about being injured by it. Yes. Okay, you get big, yell. Yell. Yeah, you're supposed to, like, jump your arms up in the air, but oddly enough you're not supposed to make eye contact with it. Sounds like my sex life.

That's a terrible joke. Sorry, guys. Take off your shirt. Make it into a ball and throw it. I pretend to be really big. Throw my shirt. I would do cat things, I think. Because it's still a cat. Do that with a cat that's going... That's terrifying, man.

They're not going to let you roll a ball past them. Large cats are so terrifying to me. Mountain lions are awful. If you get bitten by one, they're awful. Have you gotten bitten by one? No. I could see that you fought a mountain lion at some point. You could see that?

I could see that. A guy in Cupertino, his kid, his six-year-old kid got attacked right in front of him. They were walking on a trail. Wow. That's where Apple is. Mountain lion jumps out, bites a kid. There's mountain lions, like, in Hollywood. Yeah.

I saw a fox on the street in Hollywood. What? A fox just walking around. Oh, yeah. In Los Feliz. You sure it wasn't a cougar? I don't know. Are you talking about

a real fox? Yeah, a real fox. Yeah, they have real foxes. In LA? Yeah, they're very rare. What do you mean, like a fake fox? He was trying to say

like a foxy lady. No, no. Oh yeah, I saw a real foxy lady as some of this thing was a fox. I saw this real fox in Los Feliz.

No, I didn't think that foxes were in LA. Isn't that funny? Like a fox walking around. My friend's cat just got eaten by coyotes this week. That happens all the time. Yeah. Wow.

Did you see there was an article showing frozen people and animals and people that have died from being frozen? Like a lot of homeless people just like sitting there on like a park bench frozen. But one thing was interesting was a, Jamie, they have a like if you see fox frozen in water it's a fox that was trying to cross this water and it just froze like mid uh yeah i've seen it there's an elk that was frozen standing up and the coyotes ate it while it was standing up yeah so it's like just skeletons standing up in a field stuck in the snow and ice it's so creepy the homeless people you know there was one guy with like his eyes wide open looking oh yeah look at that this bottom one right there why is its eye so messed up because it's frozen it's super cold here is a little bit better i think

but i'm actually you know what i'm cool with animals that die naturally in the wild they all die naturally i mean everything is you know it'd be unnatural if they stayed alive. Unless this has to do with global warming, I'm fine with it. Can we prove that this has nothing to do with global warming? What are your thoughts on global warming? Love it.

You're happy? Huge fan. My thoughts on it. You know what? I mean, it's hard to deny that something fucked up is happening right now right yeah pretty hard to deny yeah i i definitely believe that we've fucked things up i don't know if we have i think we certainly have um done a lot of damage as far as like pollution and particulates but i listen to people that say that they know that we have done it,

and I believe them, and I trust them. You mean scientists? Yeah, but I don't know, you know, I have no, I'm an idiot. Why don't we believe scientists on that? Well, I certainly do. I mean, what I'm saying is, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I'm listening to them, and they're making a lot of sense, and I would always go towards the scientists, but I have no idea like whether or not people are actually causing global warming or whether or not global warming is going to be the sky is falling moment that 2000 wasn't or the 2012 wasn't i don't know i just feel like it's it's so scary that we are just like i don't want to deal with that right

now you think so yeah i think it's like one of these things where in order to actually deal with it, we'd have to be way more scared right now. Because every time a report comes out, scientists are just like, yeah, it's going to be all over in like 20 years. But didn't they say that about AIDS too? That AIDS would be over in 20 years? Remember, we'd all be dead by 97 or something like that. Did they say that?

Fuck yeah. There were some doom and gloom motherfuckers back when Magic Johnson came out with AIDS. That's when everybody fucking panicked. Because it was like a zombie movie where the president goes on TV and tells you he's a zombie. I'm sorry, I'm going to become a zombie in a couple days. Like, what? Like, Magic Johnson? Magic Johnson was the king.

He's a celebrity. Yeah, yeah. He's a fucking huge super athlete. He's one of the best basketball players of all time. It would be like if LeBron came out with global warming. He just was like, I have global warming. Oh my god, LeBron's got global warming. Is there any positive thing

about AIDS though? Besides weight loss and stuff like that, is there anything positive to look at it? Because I know so many people that have AIDS now. Well, they don't have AIDS. They have HIV. Positive? You probably get to do a lot of interviews. I don't have AIDS. They have HIV. Positive? You probably get to do a lot of interviews. I don't know.

Well, I've seen this. There was some scientific study they did where they injected a sick person with HIV. Like the HIV to combat some other disease. Like it was an inert form of HIV that could infect them. Did you hear about that? Didn't we cure it well this is what they're trying to do now they're trying to this is like some radical new form of therapy for certain diseases again cancer even they're injecting like diseases into the disease so that

the disease fights the cancer or it might be the other way around i think cancer can defeat aids really it's like rock paper scissors it's like freddie versus Really? It's like rock, paper, scissors. I'm serious. It's like Freddy versus Jason. It's like rock, paper, scissors of diseases. You would never think that paper would beat a rock, but it does. I think that's true. I'm not even kidding. I think that there's something like if you inject a certain type of cancer into an AIDS cell, it just goes like, it just fucking kills the AIDS.

Well, there's no AIDS cell, right? There's T cells that are bad, and it's your immune system that's shot. So with AIDS, it would be really hard. I think you're reversing it. Oh, no, it's a virus. Yeah, it's not. Yeah. But there's like an actual like, you could see what AIDS looks like. There's like a photo of AIDS. If you want to bring something up on Google, photo of AIDS.

There's a photo of the virus, right? Yeah, yeah. Can they find that isolated in your body? I know that they did the HIV thing with a tumor, because they could find the tumor and then just shoot something into it. So you could possibly put HIV and herpes and have HIV instead of herpes. And some people would actually probably rather have that. Who would want that? I don't know.

Herpes is nuts. Well, are those drugs you have to take, those protease inhibitors, are those really bad for your body? For AIDS? Yeah. The HIV. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't know if they're as for your body? For AIDS? Yeah, the HIV. Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't know if they're as bad anymore. I hear AIDS belly is a thing now.

You get like AIDS belly. I'm not kidding. Brian, stand up. Is that full of cum? This is AIDS belly. No, no. There were all these ads all over New York at some point that were like, are you dealing with AIDS belly?

Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God. There's a thing. Oh, my God. Call in if you dealing with AIDS belly? Get the fuck out of here. Swear to God. There's a thing. Oh my God. Call in if you guys have AIDS belly. That might be one of those things that someone created as a marketing ploy. I'm trying to sell my

ab regimen and it's not working. Tell people they have AIDS belly. Do you suffer from AIDS belly? I thought that was a real commercial for a second. Yeah, I hear that you just... I think it's the pills that distend your belly. I don't know.

We know a dude who has HIV. He's fine. Yeah. I do, too. I've known several people that got it, and I was like, man, how much longer? I don't know. Maybe. We'll talk later.

Don't want to out somebody. Magic Johnson. No. No. An actual person i actually know and you know he's he's fine i just don't understand how we thought that it was going to kill everybody well i guess i understand scientists figured out a way to cure most of the issues that come along with that disease so what was a death sentence well you're all i'm assuming and i don't

know this person you know but i'm assuming and i don't know this person you know but i'm assuming that they are of the middle class and they are like they're not like a poor poverty stricken person right he's not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination no no i think it's all it's he's actually probably pretty poor it's all paid for by insurance insurance oh which is i i assume people still do die of aids right right? A bunch. That's the question. We were actually asking this the other night. We're like, when was the last time you heard about someone dying of AIDS? Like, it used to be Freddie Mercury died of AIDS.

Holy shit, Freddie Mercury? Fuck. Like, there was always these people that were dying of AIDS. You don't hear that anymore. You know? Right. Definitely not high-profile people. I don't even know about low-profile.

Okay. Let's just... We don't know, so let's just take a guess how many aids deaths per year would you 2014 let's say 2014. yeah they might be adding like 2009 in it uh i would say 70 60 000. this is like a really dark price is right really yeah that many yeah i still 60 000 i would say even maybe even higher. In the U.S.? Okay, let's say the U.S. Because here's where it gets funky when they start counting Africa. And one of the reasons why it gets funky is because if you say there's HIV...

Oh, you're thinking the world. I thought you meant USA. USA. Let's just go with USA. Okay. Because if you go with the world, the real problem with the world is, as it's been explained to me, in Africa, they can get funding from AIDS organizations if someone has HIV they will say you know this person is getting AIDS they're they're testing positive for AIDS and this is like there's x amount of AIDS cases but they might not

have HIV and they're not going to test them for it what they might have a bunch of different diseases like in Africa you could have a whole host of different diseases that destroy your immune system so they might have HIV but they also might have a bunch of other shit that's what I say like you die of pneumonia right it's when they say 30,000 when they say those numbers in Africa what it's been explained to me by legit scientists is that it's possible that you have to consider that those people don't all have HIV it might be unrelated illnesses that's causing the immune system to get destroyed. Some of them might have HIV, but some of them might have cancers and toxic poisoning.

Who knows? There could be a lot of other issues. So they're just seeing people who have AIDS. They're not testing every single person that they throw into this grand number. But that's not in the U.S. Not in the U.S. So in the U.S., yeah, that's what I was saying. Let's go with the U.S., not worldwide.

What do you want to say? I'm going to say 20,000. Okay, I say 12. I say 60. I say one. And the U.S. died of AIDS in 2014. Here we go. An estimated 1.5 million people died from AIDS

in 2013 39 million people have died worldwide we're so dumb what's wrong with us an estimated 1.5 million people this is worldwide Africa is 90% 1.4

sub-Saharan Africa here it is Worldwide. Oh, worldwide. Okay. Well, Africa is 90%. But still. 1.4% in Africa. Jesus Christ. Sub-Saharan Africa, here it is. Sub-Saharan Africa has the biggest burden of HIV AIDS with almost 70% of the global total of new HIV infections. But that's HIV. Hmm. That's not... Death.

You're not saying AIDS. You've got to say in the U.S. AIDS-related deaths in the U.S. In 2010, HIV was the seventh leading cause of death. Huh. That sounds like a lot of people. 1.1 million people in the U.S. right now are living with HIV. Oh, here we go.

I was right. The estimated deaths, 13,834 with... Wow, you were closest. Yeah, and that was in 2011. So, pretty close. You know, that sounds like a lot, right? That's a lot of people. I mean, that's a lot of people.

Still a lot of people. If it's the seventh... Yeah, but look at something like pneumonia or even chicken pox or how many people die a year from just anything. How many people die of alcohol? Things like that. Number one. Oh, that's giant.

That's 70,000. 70,000 plus in America every year. Every year. Just directly from drinking themselves to death. Yeah, but that's not even like car-related deaths from alcohol. That's not domestic violence, murder. How many from pot? Zero.

Yeah, zero. There's probably been some people that have done some stupid shit that's caused them to die because they were on pot. Dabs. If you smoked pot and then just drove off the fucking bridge because you spaced and you drowned, does pot take that hit? Who gets, I mean, essentially. Are there numbers? I don't think there are numbers on that. Must be.

There must be. I mean, I don't know. Because I've never heard that in all these anti-legalization arguments. I've never heard those numbers. Well, it's probably not nearly as prevalent because it doesn't affect your motor skills the way alcohol does. Everybody knows across the board that if you drink, you get drunk, you're compromised. But pot doesn't really compromise you physically. So the numbers are going to be way different.

Alcohol is like 100%. You pull people over and they're drunk. They're not driving as good. It's 100%. If you've had seven drinks and you get in the car, you just don't drive as good as you do when you're sober. It's 100%. But there's people that can get high as fuck and get in a car and drive excellent.

And there's no issue at all. I was driving really poorly. Really high. They've actually done studies. They've done tests on people. No recognizable issues. Except when they get too high. They've actually done studies. They've done tests on people. No recognizable issues. Yeah. Except when they get too high. But these people are probably rookies.

They're getting these rookies that don't get high, and they're getting them too high, and they're turning corners, and they panic in the mid-corner. You know what happens when I get really high and I drive? I forget I'm driving for a few minutes. Yeah. Like, you're driving, and you're just like, your mind is wandering to something else. You're on the highway. You your mind is wandering to something else. You know, you got,

you got the Ben folds album on, but yeah, that's true. That's scary too. Cause you always think like, what was I doing for like the last 10 minutes? Was I even like awake at this time? Too loud.

My headphones went out. Oh, went out. Yeah. Oh, you know, that weird thing, that weird thing that people do where you

are in the middle of doing something you go whoa how the fuck did i get here like how did i how did i zone out and autopilot all the way home i took all the turns and then you're driving you mean drunk street no totally sober just space out yeah but do everything correctly i've done oh i do that i i forget why I went into a certain room of my apartment a lot. I'll just be like, I gotta go to the kitchen, and I'll be in the kitchen, and I'll be like, what did I need in the kitchen? But you remember walking in there.

I guess. Sometimes when I'm driving, I went like miles, and I'm like, oh, I'm already past this spot. Yeah, and it sucks because when you come out of realizing that, you're like, am I still in it? Am I driving? Like, you're still kind of trying to catch up to the now because you're thinking so much like Trying to figure out what you were doing in the past that you're not even paying attention Focusing on what you're doing right now

Yeah, you're trying to rewind Yeah, no, I mean I do in the shower all the time. I'll just shower everything and forget that I've washed anything I'll be like did I wash any part of my body and then all of a sudden I'll be like Oh, I guess and. I'll be like, did I wash any part of my body? And then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh, I guess. And then I'll just shower again. Or you forgot that you forgot to wash the butthole and then you have to turn the shower back on. If people who don't smoke pot have these problems. Everybody does. Everybody does. That's one of the things they say to cure Alzheimer's or to prevent it as much as possible. You're supposed to take different routes to work. You're supposed to drive different ways. To prevent alzheimer's yeah not to prevent it but to slow down the onset if it's coming if you have it they say they say

that when people go and do the same thing every day in the exact same order there's no unusual input so your brain just recognizes it almost like as a on a subconscious level and never has to process like i don't have to process i get this so it becomes atrophied yeah i feel that i feel creatively atrophied when i don't meet new people or don't see a new place if you're just seeing the same people every day you just feel like like your mind is dying yeah you get bored yeah just get locked into the same experience over and over and over again yeah driving around like going i think probably moving to a new place would be really smart for us too i mean that's what we all were designed for we're

designed we're hunter gatherers that's what we're that's our dna i just like i think about too and you know you tour all the time and i i travel on the road to do stand up and it's like i wonder what that does to my mind to have to get used to a city for four days and be alone. Like, that's a weird thing. The alone thing's weird. It's so weird. I go so many days where I don't talk to anyone, and the first time I talk to people is an hour of stand-up. Yeah.

Like, that's, like, crazy. Yeah. What does that do to your brain? It's not good. It can't be, right? Well, a lot of comics get depressed when they do the road. Oh, yeah. I figured out a way to stop that early.

What do you do? Bring your friends. I want to. I bring friends on the road with me. Well, you're at the point where you can get openers. They don't let me bring openers. I did it back then. That's the only way I did it.

You demanded it. Yeah, I've been doing it that way since the 90s. It is so much more fun when they let you do it. I just tell them, I go, look, I'm going to bring you a great comic. I'm going to give you a great show. I'll pay for his airfare. Yeah. I took the hit financially

to bring guys out. It's way better. There's a difference between making 500 extra bucks and being miserable and lonely or having 500 less bucks

and hanging out with your friend. Yeah. And it's good for them, too, because it gives these guys who might be landlocked in L.A. I take them on the road

and expose them to these clubs and they kill and then like like Hinchcliffe I just I took him to the comedy works in Denver and then he got booked as a headliner after he opened for me so it was like you know you can you can do that and you can get guys in the door that way too you know yeah it's great I'd love to bring people I mean it's just gotta force your agent into doing it for you. Just tell them, this is the show. It just keeps you from just needing to masturbate all day.

Like, I just... All day, man. That's where you're wrong. It's crazy. It doesn't keep you from doing that. That's where you're wrong. You're going to do it anyway. Because at least you're like,

I forgot something back in my room. Guy's knocking on your door 10 minutes later. Are we still going to have lunch? Hey, I'm still... I can't find it. I went back to the Fleshlight the other day, and I was like, why did I leave this? You went back to it?

I've never done a Fleshlight. It's good. Yeah, we used to have it as a sponsor. Oh, I never. One of our earliest sponsors. Can I get one? How do I? Are they expensive?

We had a box of them. Do we still have a box of them here? Did I bring a box in? Yeah? See if you can find one. Did you see that video where they interviewed the girl who's the model for the flashlight? Yeah. The model.

There's like a hundred models. Are there? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they lied about that, but they said it was her vagina. Oh, she's probably shit. It doesn't look like a vagina in there. It looks like some sort of an octopus thing.

I think she's like Romanian or something. She's like, I'm so proud. It's my vagina. That was one of those local news pieces where they go, this is what we're going to tell you. We're going to tell you that the fleshlight. It says, 10th anniversary of being modeled. There you go. He's got one for you.

Oh, that's the good one. It looks like a beer can, so you can just keep it in the fridge and don't know what it is. Look at those lips. That's a mouth one, too. Oh, it's a mouth one? Rubber mouth. It looks like a can. I literally had some sponsors or some guests that told me, I can't be on an episode where

you do that, where you have the, like Sam Harris, first time he came on. It was like one of the stipulations. What? We couldn't have that as a sponsor on the episode that he was on. Why? I miss him. Because he didn't want to be associated with a rubber vagina. Why? That's so crazy to me. Because he's a neuroscientist and an author and a respected intellectual that's

crazy couldn't you just not do it on that episode then that's what i did yeah that's what i did do you miss them i miss them what you missed too flashlight they were so fun to talk about all the time and no i don't miss we said as much as we could what would you say is the biggest advantage to using a flashlight it doesn't feel like your hand it feels like i mean if you put all the time? No, I don't miss. We said as much as we could have ever said. What would you say is the biggest advantage to using a flashlight? It doesn't feel like your hand. It feels like, I mean,

if you put the right lotion on it, it actually feels pretty good. It's crazy. I haven't done it in like a long time, so I was like, oh my God, this is,

but then they had to clean it. It just got grossed out a little bit. You should. It's gross. I just felt a little gross. It's just, they designed

some sort of a rubbery, I don't know what they actually use. It's almost like a food-based thing. I think it's like gelatin-based. But it feels like human flesh. It's way better than your hand because your hand, you feel. I know. Your hand sends signals. I do have times where I'm like, there needs to be more.

I need more out of this. I don't know what I need to do differently that's a commitment though to fuck that thing because you gotta wash it afterwards it's just you feel like a loser

you gotta wash it you shoot a load into this fucking rubber tube you're like what is wrong with me I just want to get to the point financially

where I can just throw it out you can totally do that and just get a new one how much do they cost well they're like that's rich to me they're pretty expensive but when we as I'm done. You could totally do that. And just get a new one. How much do they cost? Well, they're like $50. That's rich to me. They're pretty expensive.

But when we were getting them for free, I used to do that. I got crazy. I'd be like, I'll just leave it on the nightstand. And then two days later, I'm like, you know what? I'm just throwing this away. Yeah, you don't want to watch four-day-old cum out of your flashlight. I'll just have my girlfriend do it. I'll just hire a housekeeper.

No, no, no. You don't have to vacuum. Just the flashlight. Just clean these things. There's a box of them. You don't have to vacuum. Just the flashlight. Just clean these things. There's a box of them. There's like a hamper full by the bed. There's a great video in like, I think it's like local news in China where they see one of these in like a puddle of water and they think it's a new fish. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That they've discovered a species of fish. Yeah, that was hilarious. I don't believe that. It's true, man. It's true. He says it. It's true. No, it was on the news. It was true, man. It's true. He says it. It's true. No, it was on the news.

It was on the news. That's how I found out it was on the news. Oh, well, it was on the news. It has to be true. No, when you see it, though, it looks like a fish. There's no way. There's the photo of HIV. Whoa.

HIV looks like weed. Hold on. Back up. It does. Did you pull that up earlier? I asked him to, yeah. Yeah, I didn't see that. I wasn't looking.

That's what HIV looks like. Did you show us this, Jamie? Yeah, I was on. Yeah, I didn't see that. I wasn't looking. That's what HIV looks like. Did you show us this, Jamie? Yeah, they took that photo. The one on the bottom left looks like weed. Dude, they look like weed buds. They do, they do. The one in the top. Oh, my God, it looks exactly like weed.

AIDS is weed. That's how they convince the other cells to attach it. They're like, it's just weed, man. It looks like the geodome that Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin were in, but it's covered by weed donuts wow it's covered by like flashlights remember biodome yeah that's like their bio but it's green oh my god look at the one up top look at the one above that jamie go up there that one of the blue strings what the why is that one so different looking? I don't know. What said that in the article, it said HIV is evolving?

What is it saying, Jamie? That's crazy. Click on it again. Evolving to be less deadly. Whoa, that's fascinating. Because it likes us. It's tired of being rude. Yeah.

It's trying to kill all those nice gay people. It's becoming more PC. Well, it realizes there's less flair in the world when all those gay people start dropping like flies. Well, to be honest, the guy that wrote this article only has one eye, so maybe he read something wrong. Yeah. And he's a contributor. He's not a writer. Yeah, he's not a writer.

Oh. Well, let's see the image. Look at the image of that thing. God. It's crazy. Organisms like that, like diseases. This is a weird article. It's so terrifying because there are these thoughtless little life forms that will take over your

life and on a huge percentage of people kill them you know like the amount of flu deaths every year you ever pay attention to the amount of flu deaths yeah it's a lot it should scare the fucking shit out of you I've never gotten a flu shot though and I've never gotten the flu what never had the flu never

that's amazing isn't that crazy what do you eat do you are you like super healthy no i'm actually the opposite i'm very very unhealthy in my diet that's amazing i never got the flu never got a flu shot either dude so much bottle you i wonder if that i wonder what that is you have excellent genes yeah you have an excellent immune system what are you um i'm hpv i'm a human pussy wart. What nationality are you? My mom was born in Israel.

And my dad is just like... American weird. Yeah, I don't know what it is. My parents have gotten the flu a bunch of times. Israelis, that's some healthy stock, man. Those are survivors. There's some tough fucking people come out of Israel. Tough women. It's very different than what we associate with American man those are survivors there's some tough people come out of israel you know tough women

it's very yeah very different than what we associate with like american jewish women like the stereotype is what like kind of whiny and like yeah hymen where are you we've got to make you're gonna make us late yeah like very motherly no well israeli women are just very much like i'm right you're wrong there's the commercial commercial that they thought it was something. I'm so not buying this at all. Not even for a fucking second. If you listen to it. The fact that this guy doesn't know that that's rubber.

They thought it was some sort of squid or something. He's either completely retarded or this is bullshit. And I'm going with this is bullshit. They're measuring it. This is a joke. This is a joke. This guy's an idiot. Come on, look at these people. Yeah, what joke. This guy's an idiot. Look at these people.

These are like fat country people. Look at her. She's on TV. Look at her. And that's sewer grease that they have it in. Dude, this is like their version of some parody show. Sewer oil that they use? Gutter oil. That's great. I don't buy it for a fucking second.

It's got like warts on it. It's hit the road. It's been like warts on it. It's hit the road. That's not warts. That's shit. It's been worn hard. It's been across the country. That's amazing that you've never had the flu. I don't think I've ever met anybody. I've never had it.

And yeah, I just, I really, now I can't get flu shots, I feel like. I feel like if I get a flu shot, I'm just going to get the flu now forever. Well, I don't think you need to get a flu shot. And the flu shots are tricky because they're very, like, this year was particularly ineffective. Like, even my doctor was mocking it this year. Because it's so strong now? No, it's just they've failed. It's like they make these calculations based on whatever strains are out there, and then they develop a vaccine for that strain of the flu.

But this year was, like, completely ineffective. Like, it's only effective in, like, 20% of the cases. So, like, a lot of people that got the flu shot still wound up getting the flu. But this year was like completely ineffective. Like it's only effective in like 20% of the cases. So like a lot of people that got the flu shot still wound up getting the flu. People I know that got the flu shot. Oh yeah. I mean, there's no guarantee. But here's one thing you should fucking do folks. Get goddamn vaccinated. There's a measles outbreak at Disneyland because these fucking people think that you don't have to vaccinate your kids. Like there's other protocols. Like maybe you might think that you don't have to vaccinate your kids. Like, there's other protocols. Like, maybe you might think that, like, giving your kid 26 injections when they're born is kind of fucked up. And there's doctors that agree with you.

But there's almost no doctors that agree that you should never get vaccinated. Why? What's their reason? They're just like, it's going to— People don't want vaccines. But there's certain drugs, like polio and shit like that that that's been almost completely eradicated because of vaccines. Like, there's real science behind vaccines. Yeah, I hear polio is making a comeback, too.

Yeah, I heard polio is coming back as well. I heard polio is coming back. And all this is because people don't want to vaccinate their kids, you know? It's so easy. It's so quick. And it's like... It's so weird, man. Oh, because of autism?

Didn't someone say you get autism from a Jim McCartney? Well, there's some people that believe that. Yeah. That's so quick, and it's like... It's so weird, man. Oh, because of autism? Didn't someone say you get autism from a Jim McCartney? Well, there's some people that believe that, yeah. That's so crazy. There's also some people that... Well, here's what's crazy. There's people that could eat certain foods that you would have no problem with, and they get really sick. Like, people that have nut allergies.

Like, my kid goes to school, and they make sure you have... Like, we are a no-nut school. you have, like we are a no nut school. They have like, you can't bring nuts in your food. You can't bring like snacks that have nuts in them. You can't do it because some kids, they'll eat those fucking things and they just die. So some people, if you inject the same thing in a thousand people, you might have 999 people that have zero problem with it at all. But one person has a real reaction and the question becomes do we change this drug that's so beneficial to all the 999 people because one person has an adverse

reaction one a biological anomaly as it were so that's no you can't I mean obviously you can't that's what doctors are running into and then there's also there's a lot of suspicion of pharmacological greed. These people that are making the money, these pharmacy companies, that they're just greedy as fuck. You can get by with three injections, but they want you to get 20 because the amount of money that they'll earn is substantially more if you get 20. If you mandate that every kid has to get 20 injections.

Yeah, I mean, it's crazy to me that people are just, like, not doing it. It's so scary because these, you know, you could get, like, a serious disease that we've eradicated. It could get hold again, and then if enough people are not vaccinated against that disease, it could be a fucking real issue. Diseases are fucking terrifying, man. That's scary. I didn't have anything about diseases i never was worried about them i got an aids test in 1994 and i was shitting my pants shitting my pants i can't believe that i've gone this long without major problems do you ever think about that like how like yeah crazy it is that that we can go this long without getting something crazy

yeah like ebola or you know some sort of weird cancer that no one's heard of. What I was going to say is I never had a problem with it until I did this TV show, and I talked to this Russian guy who worked in the biological weapons department in the Soviet Union where they had trenches filled with anthrax. And all these people that are virus experts, we went to the, what is it called? The Center for CDC down in Galveston, Texas, where they have four-foot-thick walls. And they have all the worst hemorrhagic viruses contained in that lab where they study them and try to devise vaccines and shit for them. Crazy spacesuits.

Every room has vacuums in the ceiling that pull all the air out of it in case anything. I mean, I've seen the movie Outbreak. I know. suits. Every room has vacuums in the ceiling that pull all the air out of it in case anything... I've seen the movie Outbreak. They're not afraid of anything other than natural shit. They're afraid of diseases. They're afraid of diseases that just emerge on their own out of nowhere and their thought is it's just a matter

of time. We're running and there's like a wave behind us. It's gonna hit. It's just gonna hit. What should you get afraid of? That? You can't do anything about that so what like i wish i i mean i wish i was more concerned about stuff like that like it's it's it's just so crazy that i can't even like what would i do what would i do to prevent it this is wear a mask like you know japanese tourist well you have a good immune system obviously if you've never gotten the flu have you read a high temperature oh yeah have you ever shit while having a. Have you ever had a high temperature? Oh, yeah.

Have you ever shit while having a high temperature? I used to get a lot of stomach viruses. Yeah. I used to get a lot of those. Hmm. I don't know why. But, yeah, never the flu. Isn't that crazy?

It's amazing. Yeah, I'm terrified. And now I feel like I'm jinxing it. No. You'll be fine. Just stay positive. Eat oranges and stay positive. Someone's going to want to give me the flu now.

They're going to get really mad. It's just weird that we share this earth with these little aliens that want to kill us. I mean, that's really what they are. It's weird biological things you can't even see. And we want to kill them. It's a war. Yeah, it's a war going on, man. It's a crazy war. When they win, they take

over your body and it decomposes. They literally eat your body. That's what's so fucked up about it. Right. When they win, it's like a bonanza. You know? Like, it's a fine dance. They take it.

Because the best way to spread is to don't kill them quick. You got to kill them slowly. Yeah. So they spit on everything and cough on everybody on the subway. That's how you spread. But the real motherfucker disease is they're like dudes who are like two pump chumps. Like, I can't wait. They can't help themselves.

They just want to kill you quick. You know, like there's some strains of the flu that literally aren't as deadly because they kill you so quick. They can't get as many people. What's the craziest disease they've discovered? Is it still anthrax? Like, what's the craziest, meanest? Well it still anthrax like what's the craziest well hemorrhaging viruses are the scariest those are like they're just you're like in a day you're gone well they get ebola you could still i know people had ebola and they were just like well i got fever and then i went to the doctor and like if you get it quick enough if

they catch what it is quick enough and they get you to a real hospital in America, land of the free, home of the brave. But if you're in Africa. Wait, where? That's right here. Oh, America. Right here. American sniper. Sorry, sorry.

Respect. But if you're in a thatch hut roof place in fucking Bangladesh, and they tell you you have Ebola, you're going to be shit in your pants. They're going to rummage through their Tupperware looking for medicine. No, we got nothing. They'll pop the top on these things things look for something they could fix you with Nope, nothing not gonna happen chickens are running around on the floor in front of you I've seen chickens in Little Armenia in Hollywood. Yeah running around. How are your chickens any new chicken stories? You're you're you're you're no I gotta hire someone to kill the coyote chickens. Yeah, I have 20 Why you said 24 you live on a farm or something? No, I just have a big someone to kill the coyote. You have chickens? Yeah, I used to have 24.

You live on a farm or something? No, I just have a big piece of property. That's great. I have a big chicken house. It's my dream, man. It's great. I eat fresh eggs every morning. That's the dream.

Yeah, they're like a dark orange egg, too. They're delicious eggs. That is the dream, man. I want to get a plot of land. I want to make food on it. Yeah. I've been doing that over the last few years. You're ready man if things go down if the infrastructure implodes you're like you're not though you could do it no because then you're dealing with all these other more than i could

but then you're dealing with all these people that aren't ready so what are you gonna do you're gonna be the only guy that by yourself with a shotgun all these people are starving no you're gonna give them food and you're gonna run dry and it's gonna suck for everybody involved yeah you're better off if an asteroid hits if it hits your fucking head you know you don't want to be like in the outskirts the guy living up there you know the remnants of a fucking shattered world i don't think i mean that apocalyptic i think i'm talking about like you know power outage you know what if what if food becomes i mean food is going to be scarce at some point right there's gonna people everyone's talking about the agricultural meltdown like you know mean food is going to be scarce at some point, right? There's going to – everyone's talking about the agricultural meltdown.

Like we're not going to be able to make crops and like – I don't buy it. People are going to be like killing each other for food, right? I don't buy it. No. I think they're just not paying as much attention to crops as they would if they had to pay more attention. It's the same thing we were talking about earlier. I think that you don't think about it because you don't have to think about it.

I think that you know you don't think about it because you don't have to think about it But if if it became a real issue and the government started putting massive amounts of resources to growing crops for all the country They put their funds into that Halliburton gets behind it. They have giant government contracts to grow crops Yeah, you know fucking crops growing everywhere. You know they would they would take a pipeline They could take a pipeline from Alaska right they could take oil they bring it all the way down to Arkansas How come they can't do that with water? Well, they can. Of course they could. Right.

And if they wanted to do that. That's good. I feel like the whole water thing is like there's got to be a way. There's got to be a way to desalinate, right? Eventually. Yeah, we talked about that a couple weeks ago. Apparently it's like stupid expensive and it's not that efficient yet. Right.

But one day, yeah, someone's going to figure out a way to do it in a way that makes sense. They're going to make money off of it. Yeah. I don't think someone's going to figure out a way to do it in a way that makes sense. They're going to make money off of it. Yeah. And I don't think we're going to run out of food. I think we're going to run out of space. We're going to run out of resources, and we're going to run out of air. We're going to fuck the air up. Well, I mean, there's got to be a reason.

You look at graphs of population, and from the time of Jesus, or even before the time of cavemen, there's been this steady graph. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, the Industrial Revolution time of cavemen, like there's been this like steady graph. Yeah. And then all of a sudden the industrial revolution happens and it's like spikes. And like we have so many more people than we can handle. Yeah. There's got to be something, right? I don't understand things, but I feel like, you know, I'm not speaking out of any expertise, but something's going to happen, right?

Well, there's definitely a pattern, right? There's definitely a pattern of abuse and overuse and gluttony and pollution of the ocean, pollution of the air. But if they figure it out— This is a depressing podcast. No, but it's not because I think when people have their back up against the wall, that's when they're forced to innovate, when they literally are forced. Just like all these other things we've been talking about. When you're forced to recognize the fact that we're running out of food, then the government figures out how to step in and ensure the fact that people get food. I think there's going

to come a point in time where there's no such thing as waste. That waste is going to equal energy. And they'll be able to like when... Like right now, if you take, there's new cars that are so good at emissions that when they're driving through a polluted area, like they were driving through Mexico City,

the air that comes out of the car is actually cleaner than the air that goes in. That's a fact. Whoa. Yeah, there's German cars that do that. The Porsche 911 Turbo, in fact, when you drive through Los Angeles, if you're driving through downtown, it's thick with fucking stinky smog. The air coming out of the exhaust pipes is better to fucking breathe than the air that it's taking

in on its intake wow yeah that's nuts so it's gonna come a point in time where they can figure out how to use that shitty air like use the carbon dioxide and the carbon monoxide in the air for fuel they just need to figure out how to extract it like right now what we're doing is like we have there's a two-step process you know you make something and that like there's like a waste product but that waste product is it's really almost an engineering issue it's almost like once we innovate to a point where whatever that stuff is like everything will be sustainable renewable like nuclear waste or gasoline like, here's a perfect example. People that live by airplanes,

anybody who lives by airports, significant amount of people suffer lung damage. They have lung disease, asthma. It's pretty significant. You should never live near an airport, major airports especially. Well, there's some shit that you're breathing in, right? Well, why is it out there?

How do you get it? What is that stuff? Is it flamm is it can it be used as fuel how can it be extracted from the methane right i don't know what the fuck it is maybe there is methane but that's yeah what about biological what about the fact that there's like wi-fi waves and cellular waves all over everywhere that's just there's like so much stuff that we it we create that is bad for us. Well, that's not necessarily true. I don't think they've ever proven that Wi-Fi is bad for you or that cellular is bad for you. It just feels bad.

It's bad for bugs. It's really bad for bees. Is it? Yeah, it's really bad for bees. Bees, apparently their communication system gets completely fucked up by Wi-Fi and by cellular networks. It's like they're here in a next door neighbor that won't stop banging yeah it never goes away like they can live they can live but they're like everywhere around them is people lol you know fucking yeah they just hear everything

we're saying they probably don't just hear it they hear all the porn we're watching on the internet they hear like everything through the airwaves. When you send a text, it's like... Jesus. Everywhere. It's flying around. You ever go somewhere that has no cell phone? No cell phone, no Wi-Fi? It feels so quiet.

It feels amazing. You feel it in the air. Only in the last year, I've made a point of being away from my phone. Totally away from my phone. Not just in the other room. If I go on a hike, I leave the phone in the car. Because like we are never alone.

We're never like unreachable. It's true. Like even if you're alone, you're not alone because you're like, oh, let me check out what friends are tweeting at me. You should just turn it off though if you're going on a hike because then what a mountain lion is going to be.

But even if I turn it off, I feel like I still still have the option i just want to be totally away from it and it feels great and then i get back and i'm like oh i have like four emails you know i know what you mean isn't it funny we're so scared to be away from my phone like something bad's gonna happen like how often do you actually need your phone yeah what's gonna happen so rarely do you actually need your phone? No. What's going to happen? So rarely do you actually need it to stay alive. Right, right. So rarely. True. But if you go on a hike, you're like, oh, I better bring the fucking phone just in case.

Yeah, I need photos. How many times have you hiked? You hike 100 times, nothing happens. You'll be fine. Yeah. I've never been attacked on a hike. Well, when I lived in Colorado, I used to pack heat. I used to walk carrying a gun.

With a gun? Yeah. That would drive me crazy. Well, I was walking in these mountain lion infested woods. Fuck that. And even if they don't kill people all the time, if you were there, like the guy in Cupertino where his daughter got, or son rather, got attacked by a mountain lion. If that guy had a gun, he could have shot it, not even at the animal, just shot it near

the animal and that thing would run and you're done. It's over. You know, they hear a boom. They're like, wow they're like they just take off it freaks them out but how often does your kid get attacked by a mountain lion if you live in cupertino and you're that guy and you're walking down that road and it happens all those numbers are not comforting it doesn't matter 100 of the time that guy's son has been attacked the wife wife is screaming, why didn't you bring your gun? How often does it happen? It fucking happened.

It fucking happened. It does. It happens, but I mean. Billy's got a chunk taken out of his ass forever. He's going to be that boy in the locker room they make fun of. You know those fake asses where they take the fat from other parts of their body and they put it in the butt? Is that real? Yeah, it's real.

It started in Colombia, I believe, or Brazil. Most Colombians or Brazilians, girls, have that. No, it's not most. That's how common it is. Stop, it's not most. Well, it's pretty common. More than half? Well, Google it.

It's pretty common. You have a better computer. Google it. Use your fucking... So they take fat out of their boobs and... Yeah, Jamie, you might even be able to find this, but they take it out of their side and they put it in their butt. But lately, they've been noticing that the fat doesn't take and it goes down their legs and it makes their ankles super fat. And so people in Colombia wear these like Ugg boots type things are really popular because so many girls have had this problem it goes down to their ankle yeah this sounds like little

kids I their butt doesn't that's everything that he does yeah Columbia little kids I exactly so what I would. I know that they're doing fat transplation to the buttocks and legs for aesthetic enhancement. If you Google anything, you'll find it. Long-term results. Wow. The result of the buttock augmentation showed that there are 0.5 to 1.0 centimeter reduction

at two months. Oh, okay. They're just talking about the efficacy. Conclusion, the hypothesis is that fat-applied grafts are real grafts. It was demonstrated that not only are the grafts real, but they are able to live and persist with the patients, growing if the patient gained weight to the glutes area, and losing circumference when losing weight.

So what they're saying is it works. They're saying that that fat, when you transplant it to the ass, it does make your ass thicker. What are you doing? What was that? I'm reading it. You're fucked. How dare you? Yeah.

They're saying that it makes it, that no damage to the graft was observed. So they're saying that it works. It's like skin grafts. But they actually can make your ass fatter. And they can make another part of you thinner. But it probably comes out all lumpy, no? I mean, how do they get it all smooth and perfect? I mean, I'm sure there's more of a process than just stuffing it in.

I would assume they put it in a blender or something. They must, like, dilute it somehow, right? I don't know, man. Well, they're injecting it, right? If you ever want to have fun, too, look at botched butt enlargement surgery. That's not fun. Whoa, that works.

Whoa, hello. Holy shit, that works. That's incredible. Yeah, look at that. Oh, my God. Look at that one down there, the naked butt with the thong. Well, there's no proof that that's the most in and i'm trying to look at that but oh my god look at that one down there the naked butt with the thong well there's no proof that that's the same but well there's a lot of bullshit with these things for sure but augmentation in thailand looks great well let's go to that page let's find out what they do also one of them's like more in color and page

not image there you go um the um the The ones where they have implants, though, that's scary. That's where they're taking like a hunk of something, like a fucking, some sort of a, it's like a rubber thing, and they're sticking it in there. Isn't it crazy that no matter what context, when I see a nice butt, I don't even see whose face it is. I'm just like instantly a little bit turned on. Like you just see a nice butt i don't even see the whose face it is i'm just like instantly a little bit turned on like you just see a bigger butt why why is that is

anyone ever because it's like more better for children yeah but especially the hips to waist ratio when you see a woman with like wide hips you think oh i'm just like immediately like oh okay we strongly advise against surgical butt implants if your office work environment requires excessive sitting over 8-10 hours a day. After surgery, the doctors will advise you not to sit directly on your reshaped butt for at least a few days to avoid any

unneeded stress to the operated areas during your recovery. Yeah, what the fuck, man? So, like, Peggy and HR can't get it done. Yeah, if you're gonna sit in front of a desk. Oof. You've seen the implants that have failed. No, are those implants they're talking about, Jamie?

No, this is fat transfer. No, this is an implant. I think it's silicone, right? Butt implants versus fat transfers. Here you go. If your butt area has begun sagging a bit and you're slightly older in age then a surgical lift will probably be the most appropriate a surgical butt lift in thailand is performed by removing fat tissue followed by the tightening of the surrounding skin the tissue

in your buttocks is normally excised i love that slash cut that's the same thing that's like punch slash hit near the butt crease to give a natural look with minimal scars. This amazing new technique leaves an unnoticeable scar near your buttocks crease. Yeah, that's noticeable as fuck. You see it in porn films when girls are getting doggied. Yeah, you see this weird scar where their butt cheeks meet their taint. I've never seen that. The technique is very popular with Australian and American clients who save 40% when compared to the prices back home.

But you get 100% more diseases. The new technique is offered in Bangkok and works by carefully sawing away, no, cutting away tissue near the intersection of your butt and lower back. I mean, you know, it feels like a decent thing to do. This is supposedly what Kim Kardashian got. She got the Brazilian butt lift, which is what all the Brazilian girls supposedly have. That's why you always go, Brazilians have great ass.

I mean, that's been confirmed, right? She has something. Which is Nicki Minaj. She looks way different than she used to look. Yeah, they both look crazy. And she also doesn't look like that like she would have that muscular legs like it's not like she's her legs are these thick fucking like uh serena williams type athlete legs no no they're like she's got a big old oh geez louise good lord oh my goodness that's a booty

but that's an athlete's butt like you look at serena's body like jesus that's a fucking that's an athlete's butt. Like, you look at Serena's body, like, Jesus, that's a fucking, that's a performer. You know, like, her body can move in ways Kim Kardashian's just looks like she's wearing a diaper. It's like this weird, you know what I mean? It's like this weird, like, she's got a load in her diaper. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't, like, make sense with her legs. Well, there's some images of her. Like, you see those photos.

Like, Kim Kardashian breaks the internet. Her ass looks fantastic like spectacular But then you see her like there's some red carpet video of her walking around with it It's weird fuck cuz it doesn't match the rest of her legs Like it's way better to have a smaller But that fits your legs than it is to have these thin legs in this I actually have the opposite problem I don't have a butt. I have an innie butt. I'm serious. Look at your butt.

I'm not... You have an innie? I don't have... Yeah, I don't really have a butt. Should I show? I mean, it's like... Yeah, stand up, stand up, stand up. You don't have to pull your pants down.

It's just like very flat. Well, it just looks like you don't work out. You don't work out, right? I do. Do you lift weights with your butt? Not with my butt. Yeah. Do you...

Have a seat does it um you don't like when you're um when you're lifting weights do you do squats or anything with your legs no I should that's all it is yeah but I do a lot of like like curls for the girls running and things like that oh well running is really good for your legs but it's not so good for your butt. If you watch marathon runners, they don't have thick butts because there's not a lot of jumping up. I know.

I've always had an issue with that. There's always pants don't fit right. They always slide down. You can fix it. Don't get lazy and get a butt job. Yeah, let's get butt jobs together. Boys day. Boys day.

You imagine if that became a thing Do some squats Get a butt and plant They would take off her little fat things here So it would actually look better here And then it would make her butt look together at the same time Or you would be so self conscious on stage Because it looks like you're wearing a fucking diaper Imagine I just got a huge butt

Oh my god If butts on guys became big. Like you tied the end of your shorts tight to your leg and just filled your shorts with shit. And that's what it looks like. But I have no jokes about it. It's just a huge butt. You don't even bring it up.

I had a friend that had a huge ass and he was massively self-conscious about it because he wasn't overweight too much in his upper body he was very pear-shaped whereas upper body his arms looked totally normal and then his upper body looked fairly overweight and then it got to his gut and it distended on the sides and then his ass was enormous his ass and legs is where he carried all of his weight so people would like rat you know, when you get in arguments with people, they would go, look at your fucking ass, dude. If I looked like you, I would be grumpy too. People would get really mean with him because of his butt.

That's what I think, you know, there's certain guys who look okay fat. You know, like there's certain guys that are like, oh, you're a fat guy. You look great fat. And then there's certain guys who look really, really bad fat. And I think it's if your lower half is in shape and your upper half is not like jonah hill has that i have that if i'm if like i used to be way fatter like and it looks weird because my i have skinny legs

and then you then it looks like you just are this like half fat minotaur yeah well people are allowed to have a fat gut but if you have like a fairly normal gut but an enormous fat ass and fat legs, then people are like, what the fuck? You're weirdly proportioned, and I don't understand you because you don't fit in my database. It is weird. We have a database of pot bellies. You see a guy with a pot belly, you don't even blink because we all have a database. It's not a weird thing but if you see a girl with a pot belly you one of three things either

pregnant or a fucking weird body when the weird body freaks you out like even if you have no desire to have sex with this woman if a woman comes near you and she's got a giant joey diaz size belly you're like you're kind of freaked out. But his body makes sense. It makes sense. His body, like you look at it and you're like, oh, you're that guy.

I know that guy. I've seen that guy. My dad has hung out with that guy. You know, there's a database. Yeah, there's a database of that guy.

But if you have a guy that has like really skinny legs, like super skinny legs, but like Ralphie Mays arms. Yeah, it's really weird. What the fuck is going on? I don't understand

what I'm saying. I gotta get out of here. I'm too weirded out. I gotta get out of here, man. Yeah, like chest really weird. What the fuck is going on? I don't understand what I'm seeing. I got to get out of here. I'm too weirded out. I got to get out of here, man. Yeah, like chest night is over. New weird bodies will freak us out. Like things that, like we have like a database. We draw from it.

And when something doesn't fit in there, it's just like, oh, too weird. Got to go. Yeah. I turned down sex once because this girl had a square butt where it was like kind of- You turned down sex because of it? Yeah, because it just freaked me. I don't, you know, it freaked me out because she had no waist for one thing. And then her butt was completely flat, almost indented that it just, when you saw it, you're just like, ugh.

So you were in the act, like in bed. I actually was like, all right, well, you know what? I gotta go. What? I just took off right before bed i could never do that and i called her spongebob square pants because i think it was just it was too gross you didn't call it to her face no no i just put on you just tweeted about it i just put it on her face with her full name i just gave out her address and geotagged it if you're looking for a flat ass, this is your spot. This is your pirate map.

I don't know. I feel like if I'm already there, I mean, it's like, it's so great that someone's willing to be there and do it. But isn't it weird that like it probably would feel just as good as far as the sensation,

but you wouldn't be as aroused, so it wouldn't be as good. And it's all just based on the shape of the body and people get angry at that man they say you're shallow and you know this is a really like surface way of thinking it's so immature and so stupid but those people are all fat that's why they're saying that hot chicks are great bodies they never they never feel like that when you tell a girl like god your body's amazing they never go like that. When you tell a girl, like, God, your body's amazing, they never go, oh, you just are attracted to my body being amazing.

I don't know, I gotta say the other thing. I gotta be the devil's advocate here and I gotta say, I've been with, look, I've been with a lot of women. Tell us about it.

Double didge. Amazing. Double didge women. So intimidating. And I've been with some, you know, like very good looking and some very average

and you know, whatever. I think I've actually been more aroused by more normal looking women than like the models. Because you're probably more comfortable. Because I'm more comfortable. Yeah. I feel like I have less to prove. Right.

Like there's like, it's also like there's something about like a normal looking body that is a little more attractive to me. You have a buddy who would go to strip clubs and he would always want to talk to the girls that were overweight. He was actually attracted to the girls. You don't mean overweight. I mean, you know. Well, overweight for a strip club is not really overweight. I mean, what kind of overweight are they going to get? Like 20, 30 pounds overweight? But he would go for the big

girls because they're probably more insecure. But he wasn't even trying to have sex with them. He just was attracted to them. He'd want to get dances with them because he said it would make sense that they would date him. Oh, yeah. That's what every guy wants in a strip club. You want the girl to like you.

Any guy who denies that is lying. Like you want the girl to be like, you know, oh, my God, I want to leave with this guy. And if she's a 10, she's like, oh, hi, sweetie. Yeah, it's all an act. And you're like, oh, this is gross. I feel so fucking gross i wanted to be in love yeah i wanted to come back please barry yeah are you gonna be you want to take her out of that town barry barry don't leave you want to take her out

of kokomo indiana i'll give you dances for free yeah oh yeah just stay barry i'll stay stay Joe Rogan yeah they don't want you to uh they don't want you to like no guy like even though people will pay for prostitution no guy would prefer that what you would prefer is someone to be attracted to you you wouldn't want a girl who's putting on an act where you know specifically that she doesn't want to be there you'd want her to be really good same in porno like you don't want a girl who you know is acting well you that's why we want to be there. You'd want her to be really good at it. Yeah, it's the same in porno. You don't want a girl who you know is acting. Unless they're so good, unless they're so good they can trick you. That's great.

Yeah, but you don't want to see the act. You don't want to see anything. It's like a hack comic, or like a fucking magician where you can see their hands moving. You're getting a different girl every time, and you can play around with different races and ages. Yeah, what I'm saying is, what would you prefer, though?

That's not what I'm saying. What would you prefer? Well, I mean, it's like saying, do you want one car, or would you rather have keys to the dealership and just pick whatever you want? No, it's not. We're talking about people, you fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah, I don't know. No, it's not. We're talking about people, you fuck. Oh, my God. Yeah, I don't know.

I got a prostitute when I was... I mean, this is... I'm going to be on Ari's show, and I talk about this story when I was in Atlantic City, and I got a hooker. Ooh. You ever see that? Hookers from Atlantic City show?

No. Is it HBO? Yeah, they used to do an HBO show. Oh, those were so depressing. Ooh. I remember trying to masturbate to those when I was a kid, and real sex would come on.

Remember real sex? And it would be just old people tickling each other, and you're just like, what? For a second, they would be like, oh, this is kind of hot. And then they would just have these fat lesbians slapping each other, and you're like, this is really weird. Do you think that if prostitution wasn't so chastised, if prostitution was legal,

then it would be like going and getting massages. It would be so normal, and it wouldn't feel dirty or bad at all. I bet that's the case. If it was legal? Yeah, if prostitution was completely legal, and these places were totally above ground, it was just like going to a massage parlor. If you go to a massage parlor now, you go,

hello, everybody greets you, they're all nice, you don't feel weird about it you put on your robe you go there some stranger rubs your neck and rubs your back you feel so much better and you actually have a wonderful time with them it's it's it's fine because it's not guilty but if it was guilty for you to be in your underwear and have some lady digger elbow in your back you'd have all these weird connections with it you would only be able to go to shady places to get that massage it would be like this weird sort of sinful thing i don't think it has anything to do with the law i think the law has nothing to do with it i think it's our weirdness with sex i think it's right right but but that weirdness with sex is connected to the fact that it's illegal i don't know because then you're then you would say like oh what if you

know i didn't have to pay for it what if i I told my girlfriend, oh, you know, I'm just going to have sex with this girl I know? That's totally unrelated because we're talking about a- You're paying for a service. Paying for something. Yeah, we're talking about prostitution, though. I know, but I think it's the stigma of the sex of it, not the law. Because it's not really like- No.

I don't think it's considered, like, you know, you don't feel like you're breaking the law if you get a hooker. What if you think you're using masturbation, you're using her to masturbate, though? You're not having sex. I mean, you're in and out in, like, seven minutes. Well, hold on a second. Explain that again. You don't think it's about the law. So you're saying that if it was legal that—

It would remove some of the stigma attached to it. The stigma by who, though? Well, by most people who think of it as being a dirty thing. I mean, most people, they don't want their daughter to become a prostitute. They don't want their ex-girlfriends to become prostitutes. I mean, it's just like this thing. You don't want someone to be paying... Well, stripping is legal, but there's a stigma to that.

There is. There is. There certainly is. But this is like... I think in this country, we're weirder about sex than we are about anything else. No question. But don't you think that part of that weirdness is to do with the law? The fact that we legislate whether or not you can have sex with someone for free and no one has a problem with it. You can go have sex with anybody you want. But for some reason or another, we can legislate whether or not you have sex with anybody you want if they give you money, which is crazy.

I mean, it's crazy. Yeah. I mean, it is crazy. Yeah, there's a lot of crazy. I think the fact that gambling is illegal is crazy, too it's crazy yeah i mean it is crazy yeah there's a lot of crazy i think i'm not saying gambling is illegal is crazy too crazy yeah ridiculous i'm not saying people should you know go get probably should be prostitutes but you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want to do well you know what's crazy about it is like how open we are about calling them escorts yeah like we're just like that's that's fine. Well, they get busted, though.

Like, you go into the Yellow Pages, not even in Vegas, like, places where it's totally, like, in New York, and there's just escort service, escort service. Like, who is really under the impression that they're not having sex?

Yeah, there's a few people that don't get it. It's like this weird legal gray area. Are there? Yeah. There's people. It's like every cop, everyone who makes the law,

just like fine well there's some weird thing where they're allowed to go out with you and have sex if they choose to but if it says if it's like written down in paper at the end of this date I'm gonna suck your dick and I'm gonna rub your balls which is nuts yeah that's crazy well it's just stupid that you could tell a person what to do and not to do and the idea being is that if it's legal like everybody's gonna go into prostitution or everyone's gonna go get prostitutes and the marriages will crumble and that's not true if you look at like

statistics in Australian it's legal like legalized prostitution is actually led to a lower rate of divorce Australia yeah Australia? Yeah. Well, it's legal in some places here, right? Sort of. One area in Nevada. Carson City? Yeah, it's like way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere. Well, that's pretty hypocritical, right? It's weird.

It's just weird. Telling people what they can do and not do. You know what? I think a lot of it is too, a politician would never stand behind changing that law. Like I think everyone thinks it's kind of crazy, but I don't think, to get a politician to be like, I'm fighting for prostitute rights. They all use them. Who's going to do that?

Well, that's one of the issues with that guy in New York, the guy who was the mayor of New York or the governor in New York, and they found out that he was using prostitutes. Spitzer? Yeah. Eliot Spitzer. He was the fucking governor. He was busting people for prostitution while he was using prostitutes.

I mean, he's a goddamn target. But that guy, like, you know, I mean, he was the top of the heap as far as politicians in New York State. And he was using prostitutes. Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm sure most of them are. He could never come out and say, look, let's get real with this. He couldn't, yeah. I like paying for pussy.

Who's with me? Crickets, crickets. He just comes out and tries it. I mean, there's a place that my buddy told me about in Seattle. Let's say Seattle. He just went. That is a marijuana store on one side. And on the other side, it's just a whorehouse.

And you can go in with your visa card get your weed get your pussy and god bless america yeah in and out in 45 minutes god bless america that's how it should be then you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want like there's a law that they're passing in some state i forget some backwards ass state where they're they're gonna make certain tattoos and body piercings illegal like they're gonna be able to decide for what reason exactly they're just it's able to decide For what reason? Exactly. It's just some arbitrary rules. I mean, a lot of things have a reason. Like, I once had an argument with someone over

seatbelt laws, right? Should you be allowed to wear a seatbelt if you want to or not want to, right? But then you think if people get injured all the time, you're dealing with higher health insurance costs, you're dealing with way more flooded hospitals with car accidents and

deaths less dumb people more dumb people dead other people will suffer from you being dumb whereas a tattoo no one else will suffer from that yeah i don't know what the logic behind it is i think it's just they want to change the appearance of the young folk they see these kids with these giant right holes that's what it is you know it freaks them out these kids these days you just can't live and let live. And a lot of older people especially, they don't want to live and let live. They want everybody to be just like them. And when these fucking goddamn kids and their spiky earrings and their crazy hair,

you just get upset and you want to stop face tattoos. Come on, you can't. It's not a good thing to do, but you can't. You can't stop it. It's not good to tattoo stars all over your fucking forehead. But if you want to do it, that's your thing. Go ahead. Do it.

You can't stop people from doing what they want to do because it's not your right. They might like it. They might see the world totally legitimately differently than you do. And they might want to look like that lizard man dude who split his tongue and tattooed his face green, had implants. He had dermal implants in his eyebrows. I love dharmal implants and his eyebrows I met him he was in front row in the audience in Austin Texas at one of my shows and I was like how much attention do you want man you sit in front row and you look like a fucking lizard person he do something didn't he didn't he get arrested for so that's a different guy I think he got his eye there's a guy who got his eyeballs tattooed black who who recently got arrested for assault oh god yeah good luck convincing the jury

that you're cool the ear thing pisses me off when girls have their ears stretched out I pisses you off yeah I met this girl in uh in Vegas that was beautiful but then her ears were that big open like where she had the big plug in the middle of it. And you know that girl in 20 years is not going to have that in her ears. You can fix it. Can you fix it? Yeah. It's tied in a knot.

They cut a section off it off, and they pull it together, and they sew it, and you'll have scars in the bottom of your ear. It's like labiaplasty on your ears. Right? Exactly what it's like. It's like, yeah, they can fix it they can i mean it doesn't look good but it's it won't look unbelievably freakish yeah you could you could correct most things right that you can correct but there's a dude that i know who's

got his shit is like this big and he does jujitsu so he's got to tape his ears up when he does jujitsu he takes the plug out and then he tapes. He puts tape on his ears. Yeah, it's nuts. Badass dude. People are weird with those things, man. But you can't stop them from doing it. They like it. What do you care?

If you don't like it, don't do it to yourself. I can't see that passing, the law that prevents it. It's passed. It's passed? Yeah, it's passed. Hold on, let me find out. Well, you know, know in europe there's like a lot of laws there's laws with naming kids you can't name a kid anything you want in nottingham england there's a law that makes you um makes you you have to practice archery for two hours every

sunday it's like on the books like every man has to it's like one of those laws it's been there since like the 1600s. Everyone's dying of arrows to the head. Yeah, it's in Pennsylvania, apparently, that this legislation is in the process. Yeah, there's laws in New York of dancing is illegal in certain blocks. Did you know that? Really? There's areas where you can't dance.

Dance, dance, dance. From like the 1800s, some sort of crazy law. Footloose laws? You can't be gay. There's a lot of areas you can't. It's illegal to be gay. To have gay sex. Yeah, that's sodomy.

Blowjobs are illegal in a lot of states. I'm trying to find this fucking legislation. I'm looking under the wrong date because this is all in 2012. It's some new one because I just tweeted it a few days ago. See if you can find that shit, Jamie. I don't know where it is, but... The idea of anybody telling you, you know, you can't wear those pants, you can't do that to your hair, you can't do that to your nose.

I saw a picture of a guy who had the tip of his nose removed. Oh, no, yeah. Have you seen that? That's a new thing those extreme body modification guys are doing? Have you seen it? I have, yeah. Fuck. I body modification guys are doing. Yeah. Have you seen it? I have, yeah. Fuck. I've seen the forehead donuts.

Yeah. People get those huge forehead things. See, but they can get that taken off. They can get that donut removed. You just can't get your nose put back. But then when they do that, they cut your fucking scalp open, slide that thing down your fucking head, and leave that big horseshoe in the center of your face. They must get so much puss.

They're probably getting a lot of dick, really. Dick with holes in it and barbs and stuff. And leave that big horseshoe in the center of your face. They must get so much Dick with holes in it and barbs and stuff They got a lot of like those those dicks with dudes like they put those bolts and their dicks Yeah, they have like piercings all over their cocks My friend had he got a shitty lip job where they're supposed to pierce it like underneath all lip jobs Yeah, shitty lip job. Yeah, but anytime he sneez it like underneath all lip jobs and shitty lip jobs by the way yeah but anytime he sneezes it just squirts out like a fire hose out of his mouth oh my god oh no yeah there's like ones where they remove pieces of their cheek you can see in their mouth yeah they stretch it they put a hole in there they spread it more and more and more until

it becomes like you could literally look in and see their gums and their teeth. It's horrific. I think people have mental illnesses and it just manifests in different ways. Oh, yeah. Self-mutilation. Body dysmorphia is real shit, man. It's like those crazy women that never think their fake breasts are big enough. Oh, yeah.

They get nuts. They can't see it and they just want them bigger and bigger and bigger. But that's what they want. Who cares? They're probably crazy anyway. I wouldn't want to hang out with them, but if you want to and you want to go do it, who gives a shit? It doesn't hurt anyone else. Yeah.

I mean, it's weird. It's weird all the choices that people make. People are strange, like stylistic choices. People are very strange. But people try to life great yeah when people try to legislate against that create laws that say anything like they could easily make a law that say no more massage you know someone if someone decided to make a law that says no more massage I would be fucking goddamn furious especially are incredible I've only started getting them recently

and they're like it's out of this world makes you feel so much better just relaxes you loosens all your muscles up everything falls into place better you feel healthier less stressed out yeah i got a really weird one recently where they like beat me up they basically like this woman just like beat me yeah like a Thai. And she was just standing on me. Yeah, that's Thai massage. It's awesome. She had her foot in my butt at some point. Oh, yeah.

Did she stretch you out, too, like pull your legs and stuff? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. Dude, stop bumping into that. It's ouchy loud. Dude, did you get the prostate massage also, though? Have you ever had that?

No. I've never gotten any of those happy endings. I've never even been offered that. That's not a happy ending. That's just like an actual part of massage that a lot of places offer. Like they put their finger in your butt? They just rub around the butt. Wait a minute, dude. I've never gotten any of those happy endings. I've never even been offered that. That's not a happy ending. That's just an actual part of massage that a lot of places offer. Like they put their finger in your butt? They just rub around the butt. Wait a minute, dude.

I've never heard of that. Nobody massages your prostate in a regular fucking massage. I've had massages that were not whack-off massage places. And they rub your butthole. They would rub. They put their thumb on it, and they just rub around your butthole. What? And the muscles around your asshole.

Stop. That is so not. That can't be real. Prostate massage? And then put a finger in it. A little finger in there. No, shut the fuck up. I swear to God. your butthole and the muscles around your asshole prostate massage with a finger in it with a little finger I swear I go to a lot I go to like yeah those are not regular massage powers your jerk off places but this is a place that didn't jerk me off this is like rub your butthole yeah it's either Thai massage or Chinese massage pretty normal where they...

Right? Why tease them? Yeah, just finish them off. Well, it's weird that we have spots where you're not supposed to touch. And for women, it's a breast. But for men, it doesn't matter at all. You could rub a guy's breasts, you rub a guy's pecs, and it does absolutely nothing. Like, no one cares.

Oh, yeah, she rubbed the hell out of him. Yeah, a woman can have your arm and just push down on your breasts and manipulate them and you know nobody freaks out but even that much like a stripper like i wanted to feel like she liked me you know what i mean like i wanted to feel like i was different than the other massages of course you know like i was better at taking a massage yeah of course yeah and she did and i'm dating her and now. And she's my wife. She's my wife. She's my dream girl. She's my one of a kind. She stopped rubbing all those other dudes. Yeah.

Eventually. It just should be, look, people should be able to do anything they want. If they want to suck dicks for money, they can do it as long as there's a camera in the room. See how hypocritical that is? If you want to film it and make a living by putting that on the internet and have a cam and the guy could still come in and pay you he could still come in and pay you 500 bucks you blow them on camera and then you look we just made porn oh okay you made porn did you get all your tests yeah that's legal really is it's

just antiquated from the time where there would be prostitute areas where they would walk around and it would be bad for business the business or the neighborhood you'd have to see it would be seedy yeah but you can't change it now there's no politician that's going to change that but they will still arrest people that's where it gets really weird it's like you're arrested because it's arrest numbers paying for pleasure yeah it's i mean the same thing as gambling i grew up my dad was a bookie. Oh, was he? Yeah, he was arrested several times for it. No shit. What, sports betting?

Sports betting, yeah. Wow. He was involved with the Gambino crime family. Dude, what was that like? How weird was that? It was weird. I didn't know about it at all until I was older. Wow.

And then I found out that he did all the shit. You didn't know at all? I didn't know at all. No, he was just, he did. He was like, he's got a job, you know? He told everyone he was an accountant for many years. Is that your phone that's vibrating like that? Probably.

It's just the old phone chain. Would you, when you were a kid, would you wonder like, hey, where the fuck is dad? Yeah. And he'd get arrested? No, I would wonder why he would promise these things. Like he would promise like, you know, a trip to California. And then all of a sudden he'd be like, I don't have the money. Or he'd be like, I'm in jail.

And I didn't know why. I'm in jail. And he didn't I'm in jail and he didn't know why no I didn't know why I didn't know why he wouldn't say he was in jail he'd just be like I can't see you this week and it would happen a few times but so he's in jail for like very short he actually was a uh he was an informant for the FBI for a little bit too whoa yeah he took down this whole ring. Holy shit, dude. He's dead now, so I can talk about it. Fuck. That had to be so stressful. It was. It was.

And he took me around with him to do this. I remember he had to put cameras in this office, because he had shared custody, so I would have to see him on weekends. And he would have to go on weekends and put these little mini cameras with this FBI dude. Whoa. And I would meet these guys, these gambling guys in the back of a pizzeria in Brooklyn and they would all give me $50 bills. How long did this go on for? 25 years. For 25 years you were involved with your dad doing this? Then I found out when I

was a teenager and I started working for it And I became a bookie also whoa high school So when when your dad turned state's evidence and your dad became an informant Did you know that he had turned state's evidence? How old were you at the time? I was like eight you were eight Yeah, I was really young so you started working for him after he became an informant He did he became informant took down this one ring, and then he started working for a different gambling ring. Oh, my God. For a different booking office.

That's so crazy. Yeah. It was really nuts. Did you ever ask him about it? Oh, yeah. We talked about it all the time. I was part of the business. At some point, it started with me like I would have to dispose of evidence.

They were like, my dad was like, how do we get this kid a job? So they would be like, just take these trash bags and throw them in different dumpsters around town. Wow. So I would take these trash, and if I got caught with it, it would be so weird. These were like gambling slips. These were evidence. And then I graduated to like, I would- Did you ever get caught with them?

No, no. No. No, I never. But if you did, it would have been a big deal. It would have been strange to have a 16-year-old kid going around with the evidence for this gambling ring. So your dad gets busted. He turns state's evidence, right? He gets these people arrested.

Apparently what happened was he was told by one of the guys, one of the FBI guys, that there's going to be a raid, but we don't have enough evidence yet. So we won't arrest you, or we will arrest you still but we won't prosecute you if you put up cameras and stuff and you get this you get us more evidence and he did and then the weirdest thing is they just let him go back to doing it yeah now was it sanctioned that was the question was it is it when they when he went back did they know he was doing it and they let him? No. No. I don't think that they just monitor you forever. They just let you go.

Yeah, it was like, that was it. So he just went back to what he always did. Went back to a different place. How do you justify that? That's how to be so weird for him. Get people arrested for doing something he is eventually going to go and do himself. Yeah. You know what?

I never asked him that. That's a weird one I know he actually the reason he got into it and to give him more in depth on it was he embezzled I think two million dollars from Ricoh cameras in the 80s Christ he was the the CFO of Ricoh cameras and he was a million he was making you know in like that mid 80s he was making, you know, in like the mid-80s, he was making like $600,000, $700,000 a year, which is like now is way more. And he was... Yeah, that's probably like a million and a half now, right? Yeah, he was making a lot of money back then.

We would take limos to Atlantic City every weekend. Whoa. And then as the story goes, he was just for two years, I think, just embezzling money. He was just like doing shady transactions and taking money off the top. Wow. And then he got caught when there was a new CEO, and he blackmailed the CEO because he had information on the company that they didn't want coming out.

And he got out, but he could never work in the industry again, so he became a gambler. Wow. I mean, a bookie and a gambler. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he embezzled $2 million scot-free. Scot-free, yeah.

Wow. What a crazy, stress-filled life. They were bringing up charges and everything, too. Yeah. They were starting to get charges together, and he was facing like 40, you know, life, almost life in prison. He must have had the craziest fucking stress-filled life. Yeah. And then he, you know, he became a gambler, and this was around the time my mom left him. It was like 86.

He bet $300,000 on the Red Sox to win the World Series in 86. Oh, my God. They were in the World Series. Remember the Buckner? That was the Bill Buckner. Oh, no. And he lost $300,000, which was like most of their savings. And my mom left him the next day.

Oh, Jesus Christ, man. Is that crazy? No wonder why you're a comic oh my god no wonder yeah i thought it was so cool man when i when i got involved in it it was like the sopranos was on tv it was like my dad's a gangster but he was he was this like fat jewish guy like he wasn't he wasn't involved in any of that like he knew guys that were like strong men for the for the guy for like you know really connected what did he die from colon cancer oh it's probably a lot of it due to stress right no he was he treated his body like crap he basically

didn't exist for the last 10 years of his life he didn't pay taxes he wasn't on the mat he didn't have id he was just like totally he kept he didn't have a bank account he had 50 000 in cash above his bed on a headboard. Witness Protection Program style? Is that what was going on? No. He just didn't want to pay taxes. He didn't want to pay taxes on any of his money. Wow.

So you can't exist, really. So did he know that he was sick? He didn't have health insurance, so he didn't have any of that stuff, and he didn't take care of his body. And then he got sick, and it was already like stage four or stage five. So he didn't know he was sick and just decided, fuck it, I'm not going to pay taxes. I'm just going to ride this out. I mean, he didn't pay taxes was sick and just decided fuck it I'm not gonna pay taxes I'm just gonna ride this out this was like he didn't pay taxes I think for around 15 years he didn't pay taxes yeah he didn't exist he didn't

have a driver's license he faked a driver's license he got a fake ID but he was a great dad he was like a really good dad You should do a one-man show about your dad. I know. Well, that's the story on Ari's show is I talk about my dad too. Wow, that's amazing. He would take me to Atlantic City all the time, and he taught me how to sort of count cards and blackjack. In addition to being a bookie, he was a sicko gambler.

That was his big vice. He never did drugs. He never drank, but he would gamble like all his money. That's incredible Yeah, my grandmother got arrested when I was a little kid She used to run numbers for the mob and they wanted to turn state's evidence and she wouldn't do it So they locked her in jail for six months So whenever we would go visit my grandma like she wouldn't be there my grandfather be there Oh, you grandma's visiting and Josie. She would like have thing she was doing. Oh, she's with Aunt Marie this week.

It was some story. But meanwhile, she was in some cell somewhere because she wouldn't rat on these guys. They would do their version of the lottery. It would be like running numbers. There would be a number that the neighborhood would have. Yeah, the numbers is how much people bet total, right? Yeah.

I did a version of that when I was in high school. There was football cards that you could sell, which was, it's the craziest thing. You basically have to pick out of, I think you list like

10 games that weekend and all the football games and you have to pick five winners out of the 10. Which is like, it feels easy, right? But it's like so difficult

out of these games to pick five winners. And like you charge like $5 a card. And if like, you know, less than half the people win, you make money. And I was making money doing this for like all of high school. And then in college I became like a real bookie. Like I would actually get clients. That's so crazy. Yeah, yeah.

I would go to these frat parties and get all these frat kids to bet through me. Whoa. Did you have any issues with that? Like guys not paying or with like the school finding out? Yeah, you have like a few issues, but then it's just they can't bet anymore and they want to bet. These people want to bet. Like you never need to strong arm people because they just can't bet next week if they don't pay. And everybody wants to bet.

I've never understood that. When you do that, do you have to have like a stash of cash that you can match up with? Well, I had a deal worked out with my dad's gambling office where they would pay all of my losses and I would keep half my winnings. Oh. So no matter who lost, they would pay them and I would just keep half the winning. Now, when you did that, did you have to have like a really sick knowledge of sports? Did you have to be on top of it? Oh, I was crazy into it, yeah. How much time does that require? I was crazy keep half the winning. Now, when you did that, did you have to have, like, a really sick knowledge of sports? Did you have to be on top of it? Oh, I was crazy into it, yeah.

How much time does that require? I was crazy, crazy into it. A lot. You got to stay on top of the odds because they're constantly changing. And if a lot of people are betting on one side, you got to move the point spread to favor the other side so people bet the other side. Wow. Yeah, it was nuts. You could make up fun, like, prop bets.

Like, they have weird stuff. Like, will the Broncos score as much as shaquille o'neal on sunday oh weird crazy like crazy bets yeah well those were bets that people got accused of like shaving on that like they got informed you know about certain things like i'm not saying you should lose this game but if you do this it would behoove us oh that happens a lot get to a certain number like you know dude you're at 32 oh shit okay cool cool cool and just throw some bricks i learned you know apparently i didn't know this that like uh my dad would fix horse races that was his big thing was you would just basically pay a jockey to to hold a horse back i knew a jockey who got arrested for that yeah oh it Oh, it's so common, apparently.

Yeah, there's a guy who used to run those chariots. You know those chariots? You ever see those? Oh, yeah, yeah. They pull those, like... Yeah. And he literally stood up to try to get the horse to slow down

because he was winning. And they caught him standing up, like, you piece of shit. That's what you do. You hold them back for several races, they become a huge underdog, and then you let them loose, and they win. It's the classic way to do it. Well, this guy was trying to slow his horse down,

and they barred him from being a jockey ever again, and then he went and hired William Kunstler. Kunstler? Yeah, he kept talking about it. I got Kunstler on my side. I'm going to sue these cocksuckers. They're not going to make any money. George the Greek.

He was this guy. The Greek. He died of cancer, too. You know Jimmy the Greek? There's a whole documentary about him. Oh, sure. Yeah, that's the guy that claimed that black people's butts were higher. Did he?

Yeah, that's why he got arrested. Oh, that's right. Yeah, it was the racist thing. Yeah, he was saying about slave owners breeding the largest bucks with the – Yeah. Yeah. That was his whole thing. But meanwhile, he makes some actual points.

They did do that. They did have slaves where they guaranteed took the largest males and tried to make them with the largest females to make stronger slaves. I mean, that has to have happened at some point in time. You know, and it's the athletics that you see, like, from black African-Americans is like, they're the best athletes on earth. And we're your white guy and your name is Jimmy the Greek. You got to try to figure out why that is, you know?

And you got to be so sure about it. You got to be so sure. Even though it's not scientific for him, it's like, yeah, you know what and you gotta be so sure about it you gotta be so sure even though it's not scientific for him it's like yeah you know what they used to do is to take the guys with the fucking biggest dicks and the the best athletes they breed them with the biggest women and they make the biggest slaves like bada bing bada boom but they would say crazy shit back then on tv like howard cosell got in trouble it would smoke they would just like smoke look at that little monkey run like that was like a statement that he

had of there was a football player who was like really fucking fast. Yeah. Well, what becomes taboo changes all the time, right? You ever go back recently and watch like Eddie Murphy Raw? Oh my god, yeah. You're just like, oh my god, this is all gay. This is all like homophobic. Uh-huh. Weirdly angry

towards gay people material. Yeah. And everybody went along with it. Yeah. There was a way, back then, all you had to do was say, this fucking material. Yeah, and everybody went along with it. There was a way, back then, all you had to do was say, this fucking faggot, and everybody would go, yeah. Oh, in my lifetime, faggot was fine. It was fine to say. I remember when I was a kid, it was just like, it's just a fun word.

And now it's on the par of the N-word. Yeah, you're not supposed to use it anymore. It's too bad. It was a great word where it lasted. I miss it it and even when it was not used in a gay sense you know you use this look at this faggot pen yeah look at this little faggot monkey over here trying to throw bananas at me get back up in your tree yeah this is i feel like we're gonna get a jezebel article about this podcast why we're not saying anything's wrong. We're not on the side of Jimmy the Greek or on the side

of people that are calling a football player a monkey. We're just saying how weird it is. But black people can run better. Look, I don't know why it's racist to say they're the best athletes. I don't know why that's racist. It's good.

They're better. Like, look at LeBron James. Look at Kobe Bryant. Look at John Jones. Look at Anthony Robles Johnson. Sugar Ray Leonard. That's what they're, you know, in their lack of educational infrastructure, that's what they're able to do. Maybe. Like, that's who their role models are. There's also, like, bone role models are there's also like bone density african-americans have significantly more bone density than white people in fact

african-american women on par a lot of times have a similar bone density to white european men it's weird yeah there's like physical advantages yeah to being uh african-america especially like there's people from certain parts of africa that are just unbelievably good at running to the point where all marathon runners and all these like olympic medalists and like certain distance running came from this well that's you know with white people too i was in norway and they have huge people there like scandinavians are sure i was just in sweden this past weekend yeah they're like all all like these- A lot of Viking-looking people. Gods.

They're like these huge-looking dudes. And again, where's that? Really square jaws. Genetics. Those were Vikings. They literally were Vikings. They were Vikings. Yeah.

But why were Vikings bigger? They got the spoils. They got all the food. They got the food. And the toughest and the strongest stayed alive. They live in these harsh northern climates way before they had anything other than burning wood to stay warm i mean that they survived like that for hundreds and hundreds of years and there's the strong genes of these vikings but it's okay to be a viking because then you are you know you were a conqueror you're like a winner but if you like say that

someone has like really good genes because they're a slave. It's like derogatory So that's where people take issue with it You know oh I can see why people take issue with it like if there was a bunch of people that were from nor if you If you try to if you were like some Germany Greek type guy and you're on TV the thing about these guys from Sweden Fucking Norway is they're bigger because they used to kill everybody they were on horses. They had big swords There were big guys. These faggots from Norway. Yeah, only the fucking ones that were bigger survived.

They would breed the big males with the big females, and they would come with the best athletes. Nobody from Norway would get mad at you. They would go, yeah, we're the best. The thing is, I grew up with guys like that. All my dad's friends were like that. My uncles were like that. Racist. And they just would be so casually racist at the dinner table you

know i mean seriously you know yeah even now like my parents my mom and my grandma you know they'll drop it i just don't understand why mexicans have to be here you know like they'll say things like that like just so reasonable like just like i just don't understand why do they have to be here there was there were people that grew up in a certain pattern, and that certain pattern was like, it is normal to distrust people of other ethnicities and races. That's the pattern. It's so normal.

It's soldered into your brain. Yeah. And to break that pattern. It was all the humor. It was all the humor of my family growing up was racial. Can you imagine if someone tried to put on Archie Bunker on a TV show today? Yeah. How long would that last?

How long would it last? It would implode just by Twitter and Facebook comments. Yeah, it would be a great podcast, though. The Archie Bunker podcast. Archie! You can't be racist like that anymore. It just doesn't exist. No, it's the other way.

You have to have every type of demographic in a show. Yeah, you've got to cover everything. You've got to cover every single base from top to bottom. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we live in a time where people are just more aware of what was fucked up about the past, too. We live in a time where people are more aware of what was really bad about, know or or what's going on now people really aware of that like i don't think there could have been there could be another holocaust now you know people would know about it instantly i wonder

i mean look at north korea they could have something similar there and i wonder how much how many people would have to die before they would act before people they don't have oil there they don't have resources there that we need. Yeah. Right? But I mean, like, how far could it go? I mean, he is essentially the last of the great dictators, right? How far do you think he'd go with his, like, human rights atrocities

before we, as a, you know, united world, said, fuck this guy? I mean, it's clear. All he would have to do is go past a border. Once he goes, he's's like i need more land or i need more people or i need more resources then we're just like no way it happened it was the korean war right yeah was that we're just fine he's if he's contained there killing all these people that we don't care about you know yeah was that one of the it's one of the few times in in history where there's like there's a north korea and a south korea and they live right next to each other and they

fucking hate each other and they look exactly the same well it's india pakistan it's like that too similar but they have different religions right yeah don't they doesn't india and pakistan do they feel like indians more hind Hindu, Pakistan is more Muslim? Yeah, there is a religious war there, but they are so close. There was this Vice documentary about, I feel like Vice documentaries are just like fodder for hipsters to have conversations. You see this Vice doc, man? No, where they show the border, and there's just these troops just staring at each other. Like Pakistan troops and India troops just looking at each other a few feet away just like don't do it man and they all have

bombs both sides oh yeah they have nukes yeah it's like us being at war with mexico you know like going down to la jolla and you're looking one day man at tanks pointing in your we were yeah yeah this was mexico yeah yeah a big part of it yeah that's that's uh that's one of the big uh issues with uh some people in l.a is that l.a was stolen from the mexicans you know there was some radical ucla professor that i remember he had this videos that he was putting out about this was stolen latino land and like he had this crazy speech that he was giving like stolen like what generation are we talking about here, man? When was this stolen?

I mean, it was won in a war. By the way, it wasn't yours to begin with. What about the Native Americans? Mexico is Native American plus Spanish. That's what it is. Spaniards came down, landed, the Incas, they bred, everybody had sex. That is a lot of what Mexico is. That's a lot of Mexican heritage.

It has to do with people from Spain who came over to Mexico. I mean, that's the real reality. And you go back before then. What was, you know, are we going to give everything to the Inuits? Are we going to give everything to the people that came over from Asia and the Bering Strait? Like, they're the original ones. The Native Americans are the original Mexicans,

the original North Americans. Like, it wasn't all Mexico. This is all people. It's all people. You know? Yeah, and we destroyed them. The only argument, though? We, like, annihilated these people.

Yeah. We wiped them off the face of the earth. Yeah, there's a lot of that. The other argument is that we don't let them come over here. Like, you know, there's a clear border. You know, there's a clear border.

There's, like, a lot of issues. Like, it's hard to just get over here. Like, you can't just. Yeah. Like, it doesn't matter who owns it. It's everybody's. Not really. No, of course not.

You can't really come over here. Yeah. And if you do, they keep an eye on you. They don't want you to stay. Right. Did you hear we just busted a Russian spy ring recently? Like, that's still a thing? We still have Russian spies.

Well, did you hear about the hot chick that they had that was a Russian spy? Yes. It was a hot chick that was, like, chatting guys up and getting information. Wow. And now she's back. She's, like, a superstar back in Russia. We deported her. How cool is it that Russia's a villain again?

I mean, it's been many years. I think they always have been. I think it's just... It's not cool at all. Is this really the only way that you can search things? Yeah, we have to see you search in front of those cameras now. That's the only way to do it? Is that Amy Adams?

Okay, let's buy a couple more things because this is awkward. Yeah, that's her. That's the Russian. Oh, man. And she's in like the Maxim, the version of Maxim in Russia. Look.

Being hot is more interesting than anything else that you do. Oh, yeah. Was she an escort? Or how did she... Well, she was a spy and she worked for russia she would like mate with guys breed with them get their sperm and their ideas and information she would um oh she sent marriage she looks like a bond like a bond spy she looks really looks like

it she tweeted a marriage proposal but that was back in 2013. She might have since gone on to a thousand different dicks. Yeah, that's the next article. Yeah, who knows who she's banging. Russian spy goes to a thousand dicks. It's hilarious, though, that they hired a woman to go over and seduce men and get information from them. Smart. It's cute.

Russians, man, they will never be okay with just being... Number two. Number two. Yeah, they can't. Nobody wants to be number two. All these guys, too, like Putin and all the guys who run the government, were part of the real USSR. They were raised in that. Yeah.

That's normal to them. Well, Putin is the most gangster of all the people today that's in control of a large government because he's so transparent like when they arrest people and take away their businesses and throw them in the gulag right it's awful he's like they're Reagan yeah the guy got elected out like he left like he did his term left put some puppet government in his place, and then went back and started running it again. They're a very alpha culture.

I grew up with a lot of Russians. Like, it's really all about strongest, most, you know, best jewelry, best dressed. It's, like, very alpha. Like, these guys are so alpha. Well, they have to probably survive that weather. Isn't there probably some, like... Right. You need guys are so alpha. Well, they have to probably survive that weather. Isn't there probably some... Right. You need a lot of Fila jumpsuits if you're living in Russia.

No, but I mean like the genetics, just the culture and the genes to survive that sort of an environment. Unbelievably harsh climate. So many didn't. Scant resources under the thumb of an oppressive government. You know, I just read a stat that directly related to Stalin, like directly related, 49 million people died. Wow. He killed 49 million people during his reign. That's insane.

Yeah. That's crazy. I never would have thought it was that high. Yeah, 49 million. Wow. Like unnatural causes. That's so fucked. And he put them in camps, like concentration camps and stuff.

Isn't it funny that he doesn't get brought up the same way? Never does. Like Hitler does or any of these other horrible murders. Because he's too scary. He has too much power. I think, you know, that's... Stalin? Or, I mean, never mind.

I think he meant Russia in general. Yeah, I don't know why. I meant Russia in general. No, we're talking about someone killing 49 million people. He killed 49 million people. Yeah. That's so bizarre that that's not brought up on a regular basis. I couldn't believe it either.

I looked at it. I was like, this can't be real. Yeah, he would, you know, he basically would just send people to these Siberian gulags. Because what do they think? And they would just work to death and he would just kill them. What's the number of people that Hitler supposedly killed? Eight? Eight million, right?

Isn't that weird? Yeah, it is weird. that's very strange that he's responsible i mean it was so much quicker hitler did that very quickly yeah too and was gonna keep going i think so it was just he just just getting ramped up yeah hillary's is like a different category than any evil you know there's like evil and then there's a huge jump to Hitler. No one even approaches that. Well, I think the really scary thing about Hitler for a lot of people wasn't just that he was evil, because there have been evil people throughout history, but that he was incredibly charismatic and we can watch it. We can actually see it on a film for one of the first times.

If someone can go back and see video footage of Alexander the Great and go, oh, that's what was going on, or Napoleon, oh, that's what was going on. Well, we could see Stalin, and we don't talk about that. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. There's something about those speeches that Hitler gave, though, where he was out there in front of all those, do that! Bah!

Bah! Bah! His fucking hair was going crazy, and he's screaming, and he's methed up. Right. Now that we know what he was doing. Oh, he was? Yeah. He was all methed up.

Yeah. He was all methed up. He was a great artist. He was a painter, yeah. Was he was doing. Oh, he was? Yeah, he was all methed up. He was all methed up. I hear he was a great artist. He was a painter, yeah. Was he? Yeah. George W. Bush is a painter, too. Oh, he's great.

Have you seen the paintings he does now? I would love to buy one of his paintings. Ugh. Most bad karma you would have having those fucking things in your house? He paints stuff

that a nine-year-old would paint. Yeah. Like he paints like a dog. Yeah. He paints like a hand turkey. Yeah, exactly. Hand turkey. Yeah. He paints like a dog. Kitty cats. Yeah. He paints like a hand turkey. Yeah, exactly. Hand turkey. Yeah.

He paints like a kitten and has a little blue underneath it as the background, and then that's it. His artwork is dog shit. Who, Hitler? No, Bush. Jesus, Brian, you got to pay attention. You can't just sit there on your iPad. No.

Seriously. You can't just interject in the middle This is twice you did that in a row you didn't know what we're saying No, I know what you were saying the first time in the second time I was looking at style and this is 40 to 60 million is what I was watching when you guys started this second story What you said was how many million did you say 49 million? Yeah, they're saying actually Historians are saying 40 to 60 million. So that's what I was looking at. I thought you guys were talking about No, we were were talking about 60.

No, we were just talking about George Bush's artwork. His dog shit artwork. Wait, you're saying Hitler killed 60 million? No. No, Stalin. Stalin, yeah, yeah, yeah. 40 to 60. Right.

That's a huge range. That's a jump of 20 million. That is, when you're talking about people being murdered, that's a huge range. Ew, fuck. Yeah, maybe 20 more million than we thought. Well, that's often the case with serial killers, too. Like, everybody's scared of, like, certain serial killers.

And then you hear about some that no one even knows about, and they killed, like, 100 people. It's like, how does everybody not know? You ever think about how many serial killers? Look at this fucking shitty artwork. This is George Bush's shitty artwork. God, he draws puppies and shit. And he wears an apron. I know.

Who does that? You know I'm going to cape with an apron on? Stupid apron. Could you imagine the fucking nightmares that guy must have? I don't think he knows. I think that guy is so simple that he just is just like, whatever. Some people told me to do things and I did them. Might be right.

Yeah, he might be right. That guy sleeps just fine. What about Dick Cheney? How does he sleep? He sleeps with a baby in his mouth. He sleeps chewing on a baby. He painted Leno a painting. He's perfect. That's hilarious.

That's so good. George Bush made a painting of Jay Leno for Jay Leno. You meet him, he gives you a painting. Wow. Who would have thought that guy was a war criminal? Can you imagine all the time he spent making that painting? Just imagine how creepy you would feel about George Bush just sitting there thinking of nothing but you for hours while he's painting you.

Look how proud he looks. He's like, I made this for you. And Jay Leno's like, it's haunted. Oh, that's great. I feel it. It's got the texture of a million dead Iraqis. I found the weapons of mass destruction. It's this fucking painting.

It's terrible artwork, man. It's weird that this guy is one of the most hated figures in American politics ever, worldwide. Like George W. People connect him with the Iraq War, with the Afghanistan War, with all the poor decisions. Yeah, he's going to go down as one of the worst ever, if not the worst. We're still too close to it. Well, the poor decisions that were made following 9-11 and how 9-11 happened, you know, and all the crazy conspiracy people that think that he was in on it or they were in on it.

Yeah, you know, all those conspiracies when they're like, it's an inside job. It's never like Bush. You know, it's like some rogue CIA guy. I feel like people think that like bush is there just like okay we gotta knock down these towers well do you remember um vincent the chin gigante oh yeah yeah well he was like well immersed in the crime world because your dad yeah he used to walk around like a crazy person with a bathrobe on and act like he was nuts yeah and that's how he got away with a lot of what he did. Like he wouldn't talk to anybody in his house.

He would go walk and he would walk and talk to people and he would act like he was nuts all the time. Well, I think it also came out later that he was nuts. He had schizophrenia, yeah. Well, I guess if you act like you're nuts long enough, eventually maybe the nature, it's like you don't hold your eyes like that, we'll stay that way.

Maybe it's one of those things. Yeah, you hide in plain sight kind of thing. Well, maybe Bush is like a really smart guy and everybody shut the door. Is everybody gone? Listen, man. Yeah. I knew what the fuck was going on. How do you think?

Nobody's angry at me. Notice that? Everybody hates Dick Cheney. But I believe that the powers, like the real powers, like, you know, not like Illuminati type stuff, but like, you know, the guys like the Roves and the Karl Roves and the people who actually get presidents elected. They don't want to choose people that have a lot of independent opinions. Oh, yeah. They want to choose people that are just going to be like, OK, sure, sure.

Well, that's John F. Kennedy. Or who want power so bad that they'll just be willing to do anything for it. Yeah. John F. Kennedy, that was like the big knock on him was that he wouldn't play ball. Is that, you know, he had this idea in his head of how he was going to do things and they shot it out of him. And people too, you know, they're always like, why don't they just do what they said they were going to do during the election? I found out once that, you know, there's a full day when you are elected where they take you to the cia if you're elected president they take you there and they tell you all the secrets like they tell you all the secrets that people don't know like for a full day they're just like okay

here's here's all the shit that the american public does not know and then i feel like you're like oh well i can't do any of that stuff. I said like, there's like aliens pointing something at us, you know, who knows what, you know? Well, there's for sure some shit that we're doing like covertly that a lot of people

close Guantanamo Bay. Actually, no, you're not. And here's why. And you're like, Oh yeah, I'm not.

Yeah, of course. Yeah. There's so much stuff. Fuck. And there's so many financial interests i gotta pee is that yeah go ahead can i do that yeah we gotta wrap this thing up soon all right unfortunately i gotta get out of here all right we'll just wrap it up man your um episode

is going to be when your episode on uh this is not happening uh the 12th the 12th february 12th and this is not happening is on 12 30 a.m. on Comedy Central and what nights what's the 12th Thursday night Thursday night at 1230 and it's our pal Ari Shafir's show and Barry Rothbart

you can follow him on Twitter dude we gotta do another one let's do a long one next time I have more time and you have more time

fucking awesome love talking to you you're a funny dude very interesting story too your life story is amazing yeah we'll get into it so follow him on Twitter, Barry Rothbart, and watch his show on February 12th. 12th.

Yes. On Comedy Central, 1230 on Thursday night. This is not happening. All right, friends. We'll see you next week. Much love. Thank you.