The Joe Rogan Experience - #609 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: February 4, 2015

Tom Papa is a comedian, actor, writer and television/radio host. Tom has a great story on "This Is Not Happening" here - http://youtu.be/487y7zJzkFM

What's that? Stevia? Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night. Do you want some coffee? Sure. I see you're looking at it, Tom Papa.

Yeah. Do you want some of this? Yeah. You know what this is? This is bulletproof coffee. Bulletproof? You ever had it? No.

What's the idea behind it? Is there anything in there? Yeah. Yeah? It feels so cold. It's not, don't No. What's the idea behind it? Is there anything in there? Yeah. Yeah? It feels so cold.

It's not. Don't worry. It's coffee that's blended with grass-fed butter and MCT oil. What? It's actually very controversial. It looks milky. It's delicious. The guy who invented it was a guy named Rob Wolf, but the guy who popularized it is kind

of a nutty dude that had a lot of false claims about the the benefits of it if you want some of the stevia stuff this is actually pretty yummy but you got to use very little of it it's very sweet but it has no sugar in it's a natural sweetener is there milk in this it's butter butter yeah there's butter grass-fed butter blended in with MCT oil MCT oil is medium chainchain triglyceride oil. It's the healthiest aspects of coconut oil. It's spun in a centrifuge, and then it's extracted. And then they take that, and they blend it in with the coffee.

This is why I love you, Joe Rogan. Why? Because of that? This is why I love you. This kind of stuff. It's just yummy coffee. Yeah, but whenever I listen to you, you this is why this kind of stuff well it's just whenever i listen yeah but whenever i listen to you you know more about this kind of stuff you're like when i listen to you say stuff like that i'm like what do i do with my time i need to read more so is this is black

coffee no well it was black but then it's blended in with this uh gotcha medium i mean that i don't know what's in that they're all bulletproof right? none of it's black it tastes good it's yummy and buttery I'm addicted to coffee when I go to sleep at night I get so excited I'm going to close my eyes now

and when I open them it's going to be coffee time again really? that's bizarre dude you ever take time off for coffee? No. Not interested in that, huh? No. No.

I'm not fighting it. I was like, maybe I shouldn't have it in the afternoon. No. Well, there's a lot of false ideas that people have about the negative aspects of coffee. Right. It's not really that bad for you. It's not, right? No.

It's a dehydrating element. Right. It has a diuretic effect, but you just drink water. You'll be all right. I need energy. I need to get through all day and night. But the problem is with some people, it stresses their adrenals. They can drink too much coffee.

Yeah. It's like many things. You know, you can't. If you go overboard. Yeah. If you have too much salt, it'll fucking kill you. I mean, look, if you eat a pound of salt, you're a dead man. Right.

Right. Yeah. No, that's how I feel. I feel like we're grownups now, and there are things that are kind of vices, and you have to manage them. That's a good way. Like drinking. I'm not going to drink like I did when I was 25.

I drink like a grownup, like a gentleman. Like a gentleman. Five o'clock comes, a martini shaker, one cocktail. That's it. Who's getting hurt? No one's getting hurt. Matter of fact, they've shown that a glass of wine a day is actually as healthy as exercise for some people. Really?

Mm-hmm. Who are those some people? How do you know if you're one of the some? Well, you probably. Really? Mm-hmm. Who are those some people? How do you know if you're one of the some?

Well, you probably. I think the idea behind a glass of wine is, first of all, there's resveratrol in it, which is a natural antioxidant that comes from grapes and exists in wine, and it's actually very good for you. I actually take it as a supplement. Resveratrol is very good for you. But then on top of that, there's a certain amount of benefit in a stress relieving. Yes. Like the wine hits you and you're like.

Ah. I know. And that calmness and stress, it's very hard to under or overemphasize how important that is. It's huge. It's massive. Huge. Yeah. I do yoga.

And it's primarily because of that. Yeah. When I'm not doing it, my stress level is so much higher. It's not the stress levels. The stress is always the same. My life is my life. But it just kind of rolls off when I'm really active with it. It just kind of rolls off.

It feels manageable, right? Yeah, exactly. Do you smoke weed? Yeah. There you go. That's good for you. It is good for you. I've kind of...

This is what I've... Cut back? No, well, I'm coming back. Coming back to weed? Yeah. Custom right here, if you want to fire one of these bad boys out. You want to? No, I've got to drive.

You're scared to drive? I'm scared. This is... Yeah, I am scared. I am scared. You know what it is? I have a friend who's an older guy comedian. Talking about me?

No. Okay. You're a young man. This guy, he's gay. Well, that's definitely not me, bro. He came up during the time when people weren't out. Right. And now everybody's out.

But because he grew up during that time and he's pretty much out he's still like shaky like he doesn't he's still scared like if he he'll speak in hushed tones about certain stuff yeah because that's how he grew up that's how i feel with weed i came up when it was legal and you were paranoid all the time and trying to sneak it around do you i'm 46 so you're a year younger than me. That's ridiculous. Yeah. I'm 47.

Are you really? Smoke it, son. Don't be scared. Well, this is, but this, yeah. And I smoked, you know, up until, I guess, like, maybe, I don't know, five years after college, six years, maybe something like that. A good 10-year block of all the time. And then I wasn't as funny. I wasn't as, I really wasn i was it was taking away my funny

and uh so i put it down and stayed away for a pretty long time and uh i've been a comedian for 20 years so like 10 years of it i was doing it and then last 10 i haven't been doing it and uh just in the last year or two i'm like i'm bringing it back into the fold just in the last year or two I'm like I'm bringing it back into the fold just been the last year or two yeah what and it was was it a pragmatic decision like a funny decision mmm yeah it's yeah it's pretty thought yeah it's pretty thoughtful like I I stopped because there was this kid that I used to in high school I used to riff with all the time. We would get together.

He wasn't comedic. He was just an Irish, naturally funny, you know, like naturally Irish. Those guys that could just curse like nobody could. Just hilarious. And the two of us would always get together at these parties. And we would just screw around. And everyone would be laughing. And, you know, we were riffing together.

And it was great. And so I went away and came back one time in college and I was high and we met up at a party and he just ran circles around me I completely didn't have it I was like because you're too I was too high and I always thought about that and then as I was going along it was like I wasn't as productive. It wasn't as funny. It just wasn't working for me. So I just completely put it down.

And then, you know, worked on my comedy and did everything that I wanted to do as a comedian. And now the same thing as the alcohol. Like a gentleman. I know how to smoke now. I know how to drink now. You know what I mean? So I kind of bring it back. And especially, I really use it especially when I'm writing.

Yeah. Yeah. I always at least have a notebook around me. You know? I don't like to smoke socially. No? No. Hmm.

Do you get weird? Yeah, I get a little weird. You're weird right now. I'm always weird. You're not weird. I always feel weird. Don't you always feel weird i always ran and had a great quote they asked her about uh she's going to coachella and they asked her uh

are you going to get high or whatever she's like you know i do this i do that and it's like will you get high there she's like i don't know she goes i have a rule i never get high if i have to pretend that i'm not isn't that that great? That really hit home for me. I'm like, there's so many times I don't want to be like, no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm okay. Yeah, you should never lie about being high. But people do.

It's like people lie about three things on a regular basis. They lie about being high. They lie about whether or not they were awake when you called them. And they lie whether or not they farted. Those are three things that are super common that people lie about i was just with a friend of mine uh i'll say his name flanny the guy who runs largo and we're just having coffee this morning and we're the only two people outside and he farted fucker i mean like a big cabbage fart and i'm like flanny he's like i didn't do it

i'm like yes you did yes you did because even if it was mine and it snuck out and i wasn't aware mine never smelled like your big scottish ass irish ass and he completely lied right to my face and then when we were saying goodbye at the at the uh parking meters the smell came up again and i just let it go i'm like he's not gonna cop to it some people some people just fart all over you. What did you smoke the whole time? Did you smoke all the way through or did you pick up weed later on? I picked up weed when I was 30.

When you were 30? Yeah, so last 17 years. See, that's healthy because your brain was already, you were already Joe Rogan. I had a bad idea of it, though. My idea of weed was that weed was bad for you. My idea was that weed was just, you know was it was a crutch and it was for weak-minded people you know i had this uh i had a lot of misconceptions about pot yeah i picked it up i guess i want to what year was it um it was yeah it was somewhere around 2000.

what was your first time was it a big deal it was your first time? Was it a big deal that it was your first time? Because you had this idea. I guess it was probably before 2000, now that I think about it, because it was before Y2K, because I was high when Y2K was happening. I was fucking terrified. Jesus! It's all going down! It's really happening.

My ideas were all wrong, and they were all based on people being losers. And it was also based on just the idea of drugs themselves i had grown up around quite a few people that had drug problems yeah and especially with coke which i'd never have done yeah and it's because of that it's because of seeing these people like their lives like get devastated by this drug so So I was terrified of it. All drugs I felt like made you a loser. Yeah. Well, it's not, yeah. I mean, if you're around it and you see it.

I didn't think that it was so much a loser thing. And I don't, at this point, I do think you can start too early. I do think as a parent, and I'm saying this in case my children's friends listen to the show and then tell my daughter. But I do think if you can start too early. Everyone I know who started too early got a little weird. You can. They spun out a little bit. But your brain has to kind of become you.

You're so, just to figure out who you are and what, you know. Your brain is really hyper-developing then. Like, why mess with it? Yeah, I think you're taking, like, a real big, like, you're taking a big leap from your normal consciousness when you're getting high. And when you're just sort of getting the feel of your normal consciousness, if you're getting high all the time, I think you miss out on a developmental period. Completely. Yeah. Very confusing period, and then why throw that into it yeah no i completely agree i think that there's

certain amount of people especially that should never try weed that's just it's not for them not at all did you feel like by the time you were 30 when you started like you kind of were done with all of figuring out who you were kind of weirdness or were you kind of were done with all of figuring out who you were, kind of weirdness, or were you... I don't know. I'm still figuring out who I am. I think if you really are not growing anymore as a person, you're basically dead in the water.

I mean, I'm not perfect. No one's perfect. So if you're not perfect, you're constantly trying to improve on various aspects of your life. Yeah. And as a comic, especially when you abandon your material, like you have an act, you put out a special, and then you toss all your material out. You're starting fresh. You kind of got to reinvent like what your thoughts are.

Yeah. You're definitely reinventing what you're presenting on stage. Yeah. So there's this constant sort of cycle or developmental period where you go through, you put out the special, you hone it to as fine an edge as you think that you can, and then you release it, and then you go, okay, let's start all over again.

And when you're starting all over again, there's a lot of thinking involved. That's why those old guys that never wrote, like there was a period, like I'm sure. Yeah. We've all seen those guys that have the same act from 20 years ago. Scary. Those poor bastards.

They become irrelevant really quick. They die. Yeah. They die in their mind. Their mind is dead. Dead. Like you see them on stage telling those old jokes, and you're like

fucking christ man yeah there was a guy came into the improv not too long ago he was doing oj jokes unless it's a really good oj joke i mean you never know it wasn't around then a guy has a new take on an old story oh that old yarn but like, so, you guys heard about OJ, right? Do you think he was guilty? But we're so self-aware as comedians. You're always looking at yourself, analyzing yourself. You know what I mean? We're kind of hyper-aware.

Well, you kind of have to. Otherwise, you can bomb. You ever have a big thing happen in your life, and you go back on stage, and you're like, oh, I'm a different guy than the guy that wrote this stuff oh definitely you know what i mean well that's a beautiful thing about getting rid of your act every couple years yeah you know or at least doing a new special starting from scratch every couple years yeah so you can kind of represent who you are right now right you know i'll go back and listen to like my first cd from 1999 oh christ it's hard and at least that was like a cd on warner brothers like a real cd

like i can go back and listen to recordings before that yeah and they're fucking god awful if you had to go back and do your own act from your first couple years oh my god what's amazing to me and i always think about is people were hiring me when i was telling these jokes like i was making money with this act. It was so bad. Well, if you went to any comedy club across the country, you see various stages of development. Yeah. And you're always going to see that.

I mean, I remember really clearly struggling and trying to put it together and then going to see someone really good and being like, fuck, I'm never getting there. Yeah. This is never happening. I know. Makes you almost want to quit. I know. You know who's been doing that to me lately is Maria Bamford. I watched her, ran into her a couple times,

and she was just so prolific and writing so much and such good stuff. And I was just like, it's good. It's like you go, all all right let me look at my material what am i cheating on right i'm getting laughs with this whole act but what am i really what what am i mugging what am i where is there not really a solid idea or a solid joke and you start looking at you like all right i'm cheating here that's a. Here's, I don't know why they're laughing at this. Maybe it's my funny face when I say it. You know what I mean?

It's like to really kind of look at it and analyze it. It's like this is, I'm kind of cheating 80% of the time. Well, that's why like, you know, being inspired by your peers, like being, it's one of the good things about being in a big comedy community like New York or LA, is that you get to be around all these high-level comics on a regular basis, and you sort of can compare yourself to them. Completely. This is why I'm psyched to be here, and I really am very happy to be here,

because I've been a fan of yours for a long, long time, and we never really hung out. It's a big sea of comedy if we could both be in it for that long and not really see each other yeah you know what i mean that's a big pool well there's a lot of places to go you know i mean how many how many we've been having this discussion lately how many comics do you think there are in this country like working professional comedians who actually that's what they do it's their only gig or if it's not their only gig they're like real headliners like they may have a tv show or something like that but they're a legit right you know or you know a middle act and make their living they can make their living off comedy yeah i'm gonna say a real pro a real pro thousand I'm gonna go a little higher really yeah

good for you there's a lot of gigs out there I'm really bad at math but there's how many is a thousand fingers out yeah because I mean think about every single night mm-hmm there's There's gigs happening everywhere. Mm-hmm. Every stupid town, there's some bar, some corporate gig, some theater show, something going on. Yeah, but a lot of those I wouldn't even think are real comics. They're just, like, the best that that city has, you know? They're not really, like, touring.

Like, that same comic's probably not going to Indiana next week and then Florida the week after. That does happen. But they are pro-comics. I always talk about Boston having all those local professional comedians that never left that were undeniably pros. I still think it's maybe 1,000. That's a lot.

It's a lot. 1,000's a lot. And out of that 1,000, okay, let's's maybe 1,000. That's a lot. It's a lot. 1,000 is a lot. And out of that 1,000, okay, let's call it 1,000. Out of that 1,000, how many are good? 200. 200 are good. 200. Yeah.

Yeah. I would say that's about right. Yeah. And then, you know, you've got to add. There's a variability based on taste and subjective thinking. Sure. But you know when someone's good. Yeah.

I mean, but what, you know, what I might think is good, I might have a higher standard than some, I mean, I have had people tell me, this guy's really funny, you should see him. Then I go, blah. This guy's fucking dog shit. This is terrible. I can't watch this. Yeah. Yeah.

And then there's other guys you see and you're like, all right, I get it. It's not for me, but I get that he's turning a lot of people on yeah he's not horrible i just don't want to listen to it well there's some people that are like really good performers you know and they just fucking doll up something that's really not there right you know and they yeah thank you good night you know it's called cheap laughs built on fake energy. Yeah. There's something to be learned even from that. That's one of the things that I always used to say about Carlos Mencia

is that I never understood why people were laughing, but it was amazing the energy that he put out. I never got it. I would sit there dead-faced going, what the fuck is happening here? Right. But they were all caught up in this energy and momentum of the all this the shit that was going on i was like wow this is crazy like there are guys that have that sort of like big loud fake thing where they don't really give a fuck about what they're talking about no but they're kind of it's they're closer to politicians

than they are comedians yeah they know how to turn on the crowd. They know how to work it. But they're kind of full of applause for the ladies. Ladies are working hard out there, gentlemen. Come on. How about a round of applause for those ladies? How about one for the troops? Can we get one for the troops?

Oh, God. That's those those like really strategic, you know, things that people will say. The worst. They'll say things where you go, oh, you whore. Yeah. You fucking whore. Oh, the ladies really have it hard. Am I right, ladies?

Or the worst is when you're, especially like you're in showcase clubs, you're one of like eight guys that night and it's like, oh, they're telling me I got to go. I got to go, guys. They're giving me the like, no like, oh, they're telling me I got to go. I got to go, guys. They're giving me the like, no, please stay. They're telling me I got to go. Stop it. You fraud.

They're really politicians. There's a lot of that, yeah. They're kind of slick. But you kind of got to be a little bit, right? You got to kind of get people to like you a little, especially if you want to push forth any really controversial idea. You got to kind of sneak it in on them somehow. Yeah. Yeah. Like what we were talking about earlier. Spoonful of sugar. What we were talking about earlier where you were saying that

because it's so easy to criticize comedians these days and so many people go after people for controversial jokes. You were talking about how these like young guys you're seeing on stage, young gals as well, are saying jokes, but before they say it, they have to say, look, I am not racist. Yeah. Yeah. I watched five guys in front of me at the improv in L.A. go up,

and these are all young guys, and they're all coming up. They don't really have much credit, but they're working. They've got spot at the improv. Anything they came up with, if it was about race or religion or gender they would apologize before the joke i'm like holy shit it's gotten to this level everyone's now scared they're yeah we're gonna we're gonna be improv there's probably 50 people in the audience tops right no you know what i mean it's nothing you should have if you're not free now when when what all it takes is one blogger tom well there's this thing at the comedy

store that they do every uh tuesday night uh called the roast battle have you ever seen it i haven't i've heard about it it's really funny yeah it's really fun because they do it in the belly room which is a tiny little room they pack it with people and it's an insult competition it's a right joke writing competition yeah between two comics and they insult each other and the the audience and the judges sort of get to decide who who wrote the better stuff right and they go hard at each other they they fucking go hard but somebody wrote an article because uh someone white dropped an n-bomb during during the show and they're like you know are white people getting the n-word pass at the comedy store and they wrote this whole article like you fucking piece of shit like you know what they're doing exactly you know what

they're doing they weren't first of all they weren't calling someone who wasn't saying like this guy's a nigger you know they weren't doing that they were using the word in the context of some sort of a joke and even if right yeah but it was just like the idea that it can't be done like this is fuck you right now this is it's comedy like there are things that are said in comedy like yeah in real life in real speech yeah when you're talking to people it's probably not the best thing to say. It's probably a rude thing to say. Sure, of course. But as a comedian in a club doing what you're doing, the only way it's going to go away is if you don't fight it,

if you don't resist it, which is difficult. But if they come at you and say you're racist for saying this, the only comment is I'm a comedian, and then that's it. It's end of story. It's when you fight back and you give them, you take the bait and it becomes, it fuels it. And that's what's been happening. So now people think, oh, I can get this famous guy. To apologize.

To apologize and make news and be a part of it. Not really fight back, but really like sort of defend it. I mean, not even defend it. I mean, it's fighting back is important i think yeah or at least stating your your your mind speaking your opinion but this this idea of apologizing for jokes fuck off those people the people who write about it who are in the audience and taking offense and writing about they to me are much more offensive than a comedian the comedian is he's his job is to make a joke that's his job is to make light of things and if you're in the audience and you're calling someone a racist

or you're calling someone misogynist or whatever label you are much more violent than the clown up on stage much more violent violent. More violent? Much more violent. You're provoking. Much more offensive. Much more offensive. Right. And violence is close to the term because I did a show for our good friend Greg Fitzsimmons.

It was like a fundraiser thing for the school thing. And I was talking about, I have this joke in my act where I say I live in L.A. It's a horrible school district that we live in. And I either had to pay for school or pay for guns and ammo. And my kids have no skills, so I pay for school. And the only rule I have with school, if I'm going to pay for school, is it cannot be predominantly Asian. Why? Why would I pay all that money for my kids to be last in everything? And then I talk about these families, how they're just superior. Asian families are superior. They

work harder. They want their kids to win. They play five different instruments. My kids play the toilet paper roll on and on. And this woman yells out from the crowd, get some new material. In the middle of it, everyone else is laughing. Get some new material. I said of it everyone else is laughing get some new material i said i'm sorry what she goes it's racist you're a racist i've never been called a racist in my life and it was like whoa it was kind of like being punched in the face and i said i'm sorry are you not listening the guy next door goes we're wondering where you're going with this. Wow. The guy said that to you?

Is it a friend? Huh? Is he with her? He must be with her. So I'm leaning on, so I just stop. I lean on the stool, and I said, where am I going with this? I'm pointing out that Asian families work harder than traditional American white families. They work harder and hold their kids to a higher standard,

and therefore they're excelling more in sports and they're excelling more in schools because of how they're raised and they're held to these high standards, and that they are actually doing better for their families than we are by giving our kids a free pass and making sure that they have a good time. But, of course, this all would have been done through jokes and would have been a much more enjoyable experience for the rest of the audience if you had shut up. I said, I'm sorry, what part, just so I understand,

what race are you? What part did you, are you white? Are you Asian? She goes, I'm Mexican. I said, all right, I can't help you. You're wrong. And everybody applauded. The rest of the place applauded.

But I mean, her calling me a racist, I'm telling you, Joe, I was, I went up and did a Neil Brennan show after that in Santa Monica. And then drove home to my place in the Valley after that and i was buzzing the whole time like by the time i got into like i was angry angry and and and kind of hurt but you ran into a moron i ran into a moron but just that term of having someone say racist well there's a lot of people that are recreationally offended they're looking to be offended whether it makes sense or not you. It's like saying black guys have bigger dicks. Racist! How's it racist to be awesome? How's it racist to be better?

How's it racist to be better at math? You say the Asians are better at school. How is that racist? It's racist to mock their eyes or to say they're an inferior race. That's racist. It's not racist to compliment a race. It's the opposite of racist. I know. You're sort of racist against your own kids.

There was so much fun in a time when you could just talk about each other and enjoy it. Like, really be like, you know, you'd be like, we were Italian and my friends were Irish and everybody had their things and you were celebrating it. You were celebrating that stuff. My parents' generation really celebrated it. Now you can't even say what they are without it being perceived as awful. I had this Mexican lady yell at me once. I had this joke about the UFO that supposedly crashed in Roswell, New Mexico. In 1947, there was this cover of the Roswell Times or whatever the newspaper

was. I actually have it framed in my house that the cover of this newspaper, it said, you know, there was a headline that was like flying disc recovered, like that they, a flying saucer. I mean, they wrote about it in the paper. They had these statements from military people that they had found a crashed UFO. And then the next day they came out and said, sorry, the joke was they said they had a crashed UFO and alien bodies. And then the next day they came out and they printed in the paper, or they came out and had a press release and said, I don't remember how this joke was.

It was a long time ago. They said, no, we're sorry. It was just a weather balloon. And I said, well, what about the aliens? Those are Mexicans. Apparently they were on the balloon. They thought it was a pinata. They had been drinking.

Some shenanigans took place. And this lady was yelling at me, hey. I go, what did I say? And she goes, because I said the word Mexican. Right. I go, like alien, like another country. Get it? Aliens from another country.

Illegal aliens. That's what they're called. It's it's not negative towards mexicans right exactly but she was like you shouldn't be fucking and making fun of mexicans and i was like well why not like what are you saying like what did i say bad right just fucking talking shit like oh okay you shouldn't be you're too dumb to be here they should have made you fill out a form before you walk through the door, you fucking dope. Exactly. If they were to describe what was happening in this club, it was a series of people getting

on stage and talking shit. That is the whole. So we went into this whole back and forth thing. Does this make sense? Do Mexicans drink? Yes, they do. Right? Everybody, a lot of people drink that are Mexican.

There's nothing wrong with that. I drink too. Do Mexicans have a history, a long history, of the piñata? Yes, they do. They do. They beat those fucking things. Candy comes out. It's well documented.

They love them. You're just talking shit about Mexicans. Why are you talking shit? It was hilarious. Do you think it's going to swing back? Do you think? Yeah, I hope so. Don Rickles Jr. is going to show up?

I just think people are just getting smarter overall, more educated. I think there's always going to be, there's no doubt about it, that there are people that their mind does not work as well. It's like there's kids that are fucking two and they've got big glasses. What is that? Their eyes don't work so fucking good. Some people are born deaf i have a friend who was born deaf there's just there's a reality of the world that some people's minds are

just not that good yeah you know there's no there's no doubt about it no it's physical it's reality chemical some people have big noses some people have big dicks some people have shitty brains why are you on mexicans of fucking shitty brains why are you shitting on mexicans there's no way around it man you're always gonna get dumb people i i i do this joke um and in the i i make fun of italians which i am three quarters italian and i had this guy yelling at me don't fucking be shitting on italians i'm like i'm shitting on my own people. Fuck you. Right.

Like, what are you talking about? Am I talking about you? Yes, I am. You know why? Because you're doing exactly what I was saying in my act. Right. You're yelling out, yeah, fucking Italians, what are you doing over here? It's just that those are real people.

It's not all Italians. God damn, there's millions of them. Yeah. But this whole thing, like there are intelligent people, though, that kind of provoke this, don't you think? Like there's people writing editorials and educated people who want to control human behavior by semantics, by kind of, they're going to set up their own rules. And you're going to have to abide by them. Well, there's a lot of people that are unhappy and they have a green light to start talking shit.

And there's also people that are bloggers that are looking for a subject that they can legitimately find a reason to attack. And they might not, if they weren't bloggers, they might not have even focused on it. But because of the fact that it's a subject, it's like, do I really give a fuck about Kim Kardashianardashian no i do not right i really don't care but if i'm looking for a joke and she does something stupid i'm like all right bitch and i sit down in front of the computer and

i concoct a bit right you know i mean it's just it is life right this culture that's yeah but this i mean you can't fault them in some ways because it is what they do. But there's a really asinine viewpoint when you're looking at jokes and you're trying to pretend that this person is in court giving an affidavit. And these are their actual thoughts on these subjects. Right. Yeah. There's got to be. And I think that's just the responsibility of the comedians at the end of the day. You just got to stick to it.

Yeah. Well, do you remember when Patrice O'Neill, he was on this, I think it was a Fox News show, and it was back when Opie and Anthony got fired, or they got suspended, I guess. And he said, and it was a really important point, he said, jokes that you are offended by and jokes that you love all come from the same place. Someone's just trying to be funny.

Like, you don't understand that because you don't understand funny. Right. They're just trying to make you. Like, you don't understand that because you don't understand funny. Right. They're just trying to make you laugh. And some of them hit and some of them miss. Yeah. And that's just the way it goes.

And that's the scary part is that you're in a club trying to make it hit. And as you're working out material, you'll say stuff just, you're working, it's going to take six months before this joke is even ready.

And people are taping you two weeks in when it's ugly and you don't really know what you're saying. You're blurting stuff out. That's dangerous. Well, you know, Chris Rock has that world famous joke, one of his best jokes ever, that I love black people, but I hate niggers. Right. It was a bit. Well, apparently, Louie told me that that bit took a year to work. Oh, yeah.

And it used to bomb. I believe that. It just wasn't working. And if someone had been in the audience YouTubing that in the beginning when it was eating dick on stage, he would have looked like an asshole. Right. You know? Yeah, and tell people, no, just stick with me. It's going to be funny at one point.

Blog about it. And not only that, but then the joke gets released. It gets online. And it's like, which is really kind of a violation of what a comic is doing by working out a set. Right. If you see someone at the cellar, if you see someone at the comedy store, the improv, most of the time, most of the time, if you see a comedian like you or like me, we're working out stuff. Yeah. That's what we're doing.

Right. This is our gym. Right. It's our workshop. It's how these things, when you see it on Comedy Central or if you see it in a headline club you see that the irvine improv on a weekend then you're seeing essentially a finished product right but all that other stuff is like that's how bits get worked on yeah that we need an audience and i've done a lot of them that don't fucking oh man and then one day they do have you haven't you just been on stage and doing a stupid set in town and you just say something completely just

comes out of you like that retard or you know what i mean i said something horrible about my wife's tits or something it just kind of blurted it out it's like i don't think that i don't know i just just trying to be funny just right exactly you're just spitballing you're trying to right and people will get angry at you about the contents of your imagination. It's like, you don't understand. This is not, this is a performance. This is not me as a human being giving you my well thought out and clearly analyzed views on life. Right. And look, if you're a writer, any great writer, the greatest of the greats, take Updike, whoever. When you read their stuff, you're not reading a first draft no you're reading the 50th

draft of them going to work on this thing and a comedian is showing you his first draft every time every time he's up there like until you go see those big shows ari shafir has this uh quote that he has taped above his keyboard from hemingway it says the first draft of everything is shit it's great it means everything it means everything Artie Lang got in trouble recently I don't know if you've been attention we paying attention to that yeah yeah I saw him I saw him right after he had this joke that he did on stage at the cellar where he said that all this Ferguson stuff is really starting to fuck with my my personal life he said no all these protests is really starting to fuck with my personal life.

And he said, no, all these protests are really starting to fuck with my personal life. He goes, the other day I'm having sex with this black chick. And she goes, I can't breathe. And he goes, hey, let's not bring politics into the bedroom. And it's a fucking funny joke, man. But it was too soon. And some woman got up and yelled out, that shit ain't funny. And she started tweeting about it.

And I went to her Twitter page and just fucking followed it like a hawk. Because I thought it was fascinating. And she was getting all these people that were social justice warrior activists that were going to protest at the comedy cellar. We're going to show up at his clubs. We're going to follow him around. Yeah, hilarious. Oh, my god. I was with at the comedy cellar. We're going to show up at his clubs. We're going to follow him around. Yeah, hilarious. Oh, my God.

I was with him at the cellar. We were sitting at the table upstairs. What did he say about it? It was before that. He was talking about the ESPN one. Oh, that was another one he did. Yeah, about that one. Which we read online or read on air.

It was hilarious. And then he's going on about that. And then two days later, the other one. And then I was just on about that, and then two days later the other one hit. And then I was just like looking, I thought I was looking up the ESPN one, I was so confused. I'm like, wait, this is a different- This is a totally new one. But it was so great that he didn't stop. He just put it out, he just kept going.

Yeah, well he's doing it, I mean that's what he's doing. I mean Tosh- That's what he does. I'm good buddies with Daniel Tosh, and he does a lot of stuff on his show that people would be like, that's racist, or you're talking about black people just because he's big. And black audiences love him. Black comedians love him. And then other people come up, Mexicans and stuff, like, why don't you ever mess with us? They want because they know it's a joke and it's fun to laugh at yourself.

And it's his style. Right. It's once people sort of accept that that's your style. You're an insult comedian. Right. And you know the guy's heart. You know that he's not a bad guy. Sort of like what people want Jeff Ross to roast them.

Right. If you ask Jeff Ross to roast you, you're asking him to start insulting you. Of course. That's what he does. Everybody knows that's what he does. Yeah. I worked with Rickles this summer. Ooh.

So great. Where'd you work with Rickles this summer. Ooh. So great. Where'd you work with him? I went to Montreal. He was doing one of the big gala shows. He was doing two nights. So he is doing stand-up? He's doing stand-up. Wow.

How much time did he do? He did about probably like 45. Whoa. Yeah. Whoa. What was that like? And then he threw a couple songs in and stuff like that. He sings? It was the greatest. Yeah, he sings a song at the end. What was that like? And then we threw a couple songs in and stuff like that. He sings?

It was the greatest. Yeah, he sings this song at the end. What does he sing about? It's like this one's, it's not Thanks for the Memories, but it's something like that. A little heartfelt and a thing. Oh, to try to warm you up after you shit in your mouth for an hour? Exactly. We all love each other.

exactly we all love each other and uh i you know i i didn't get to meet dangerfield and i miss carlin and i was like i just want to work with rickles at some point and then it came up that i could work with him in montreal and i'm supposed to go on vacation with my family and i literally sent my wife and kids i'm like i'm gonna meet I'm gonna be three days late to our family vacation Wow I'm gonna go work with Rickles I had to it's like this is yeah as a comic that's an opportunity yeah hard to pass so I went up and and worked with him and it was so great to see I mean his references are so date it's like look at the Puerto Rican guy he's gonna come at me with a switchblade people like are like, switchblades? What are you talking about?

What is a switchblade? People are already befriended by Puerto Rican. They're like, what is a switchblade? A switchblade? Yeah. Well, Puerto Rican, it used to be almost like a negative term, but it's not anymore. Right. It's like you can't call someone a Puerto Rican anymore.

Right. It's like calling someone French. Right. What are you, from France? What does that mean? Yeah. Are you from England? Huh?

I don't get it. But his thing was, he was so, he has such a history of it. Yeah. Everybody knows this is what he does. And he just goes out and does this kind of thing. So was he working the crowd the entire time? Yeah, it was kind of a mix. Like, he brought people up.

He definitely, I think. Brought people on stage with him? He brought a couple people, two guys kind of a mix. He brought people up. He definitely, I think... Brought people on stage with him? He brought a couple people, two guys on stage. Wow. He's not walking very well. He doesn't walk very well? No. Bad hips or something?

Something's happened to his knee or something. Oh, yeah? It's amazing. They have all these showgirls go up on stage, and they do this big dance in the beginning of the show, and they do the feather thing. They all stand there with the feathers like a big scrim. And then they wheel him out and put him up on a stool.

And then they all part. And there's Don Rickles. He just appeared. So you don't have to see him walking. And then he, you know, look at the black guy over there. Look at the Jew over there. And he's doing Hitler and all this crazy stuff. It was great.

But he's just, you know, you know the guy so well. You just know who he is. So you know it's not coming from hate. It's just this playful kind of guy. And it was like, I hope that there's somebody that's going to be like that for our generation. There should be somebody there. I think so.

I think like what you were saying about Tosh, what we were saying about Jeff Ross, like once you know what they do, you just have to know what they do. And you know, there's going to be people that complain, but it doesn't matter.

They get ignored, they get marginalized. And you're allowed to not like somebody, man. There's plenty of people that don't like all sorts of folks that I enjoy.

My whole objective those two days was I just want to be shit on by him. I just want, I was just lobbing stuff in. I'm like, Don,

so, we're working together two nights, like you know after that we're gonna know each other pretty well you think when you get back to la we're gonna hang out don't push it yeah you know then i'm just waiting for him right just totally then i'm like don uh are you gonna watch my act tonight i'd really appreciate it if you watch my act i am a little busy and then after the show i go back to his dressing room what the cool thing was you would love it he just it's like old school show business just walked into the building it's like you know you've been in montreal all those kind of thing everyone's doing shows all week when hit when it was his time for the show guys in tuxedos are walking around. Security guys are hanging out.

Old school guys with gel in their hair. Show business is happening. The halls are cleared. And it's like, there's music, classy music playing. And it's like, no, we're doing a show. We're not walking in and just guiding up on. No, this is a show. So great.

So at the end, I go to his dressing room. He's in his dressing room in a silver silk robe. These little slippers. This is post-show. He wears slippers after the show. These little slippers, like little gold stuff on the toes. And he's got all the makings for a martini. He's got the ice.

He's got the olives. He's got the glass, the shaker. But he just shoves it all in his glass. He just puts it all. It doesn't even shake. It just puts ice, olives, and vodka, and he's sitting there drinking it. And I go back to see him. He's like, Tom, come here.

He holds my hand. He doesn't let go of my hand. This is the greatest. He's like, Tom, I watched your show tonight. I watched the whole thing. Oh, thank you, Don. Thank you. Have you considered a career in grocery delivery?

You go around. You deliver food, you make people happy. You throw in a joke once in a while to keep yourself from killing yourself. I'm like, this is better than the whole vacation I'm about to go on with my family. Wow. So much better. Did you put pictures? Did you take pictures of him? Yeah, I got a couple shots.

That's huge. Oh, it's just the best. That's huge. The best. This guy's been at it forever. Yeah. I never met him. I would love to meet that guy. That's a couple shots. That's huge. Oh, it was just the best. That's huge. The best. This guy's been at it forever. Yeah. I never met him. I would love to meet that guy.

That's a good one. I never got a chance to meet Dangerfield, but I stood next to him a couple times. You did? Yeah, yeah. He was doing some sets at the Laugh Factory before he died. Right. I mean, he performed up until just a few years before he passed. And in the 90s, somewhere around the mid to late 90s, he was doing sets occasionally.

He would drop in at the Laugh Factory, and I was really fortunate to be there a couple times when he did. Did he live out here? I don't know. I bet he probably lived a couple places. He was pretty wealthy. Why didn't you meet him, though? You were standing next to him. I was young and stupid, and I wasn't good enough. i didn't feel like i was good enough to introduce myself to him

totally get that i was next to hicks once when i was an open micer i just didn't feel like i can introduce myself to him just wasn't good enough is it crazy to think there's some kids standing next to you now like i just can't i just can't yeah if you're that kid say hi especially if you're a comic i'll talk to you yeah you know but there was uh there's a couple moments where yeah like i saw hicks live um really one two three three or four times probably three or four times at least three times in boston really when i was a raw open micer like i had been doing comedy maybe six months and i got a chance to see hicks a bunch of times during that time. It was awesome. How good was he? He was amazing,

man. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah. It was like the late eighties. He was probably, um, in his prime.

Cause I think he died in, I want to say like 93 or 94. He died. So I saw him when he was hopping. I mean, it was just, he was on fire, man.

He was so good. I remember seeing him. I never saw him live. I saw him in Caroline's comedy hour. And just seeing how he was just he was on fire man he was so good I remember seeing him and I never saw him live I saw him in Caroline's comedy hour Oh interesting how he was like you know at the edge of the stage cigarette in his hand yeah thinking some guy's face like mm-hmm I was like what the hell this is been interesting to see how he evolved and grew because he was young you know he was like 32 or something like that when he died really yeah he would have gotten a lot better dying

makes you seem so much older well it makes you seem so much more legendary too yeah that's the other thing when someone dies like everything that they did becomes so much more important than when it if they had stayed alive yeah absolutely like if elvis was still alive today right you know oh yeah you just wrap it up yeah right i mean like john lennon is so much more valued by most people than paul mccartney yeah you know because paul's showing up at award shows yeah he's like hi i'm still alive right and we get it when you're dead we're gonna fucking love you dude completely i saw danger field when i was working actually before I was ever a comic. I got a chance to see. I worked at a concert place. Oh, yeah?

And I was backstage because I was a security guard, and I was working in this backstage area where I got to see Dangerfield walking around behind the stage with his bathrobe on and his slippers. Wow. That's what he was performing. Right. He would perform in a bathrobe. In the bathrobe? He'd go on stage? Totally naked.

Just throw a bathrobe on and just go on. Yep. Yep. He went through a a bathrobe. In the bathrobe? He'd go on stage? Totally naked. Just throw a bathrobe on and just go on stage. Yep, yep. He went through a period of time. I've never heard of that. That's how he was performing. That's crazy. Yeah, when I saw him at the Laugh Factory, he was fully dressed. But he was doing this place called Great Woods.

It's a concert place in Mansfield, Massachusetts. And this was like the height of his popularity. This was like back to school. Right. Like during those days. Yeah, yeah, huge. Because this was like the height of his popularity. This was like back to school. Right. Like during those days. Yeah, yeah, huge. Because this was like the 80s. I want to say like 86 or something, before I did comedy.

Yeah. I was probably 19, so it must have been about 86. Right. And he was just walking around with a bathrobe on. He would shuffle on stage with slippers. I get no respect, no respect at all. My wife, I'll tell you. Carrying a drink?

I don't remember him carrying a drink. I just remember, look at this bad motherfucker wearing a bathrobe. That's crazy. And everybody wanted to talk about the fact that he had nothing on under the bathrobe. Nothing on. Under the bathrobe, he's totally naked. I saw his balls. Like he would just walk around.

Is that him? Yeah, there's a lot of photos of him where you could actually see his dick because he's just sitting weird and his dick's hanging out. Yeah, he gave a zero fucks. That's like, you know, it's so weird to bring up his name because the context is weird now,

but like Cosby went through, he would just come out in like sweatpants and a thing with socks. Just socks. Really? Yeah, just come out with Birkenstocks and take them off. Well, he goes on stage now with a sweatshirt on that says, Hello, friends. Or, Hello, friend.

Really? That's what he wears when he goes on stage now. He's got this sweatshirt on that says, Hello, friend. I guess you just do it so long, you're just like... I guess. Right? I mean, the balls of that guy to still do shows while all this is going down. I know.

Do you think it goes online? No. Yeah. No. I think he had people that... Right? Because remember when he put up that meme? They were like... Yeah. That blew up in his face. See, Because remember when he put up that meme, they were like, that blew up in his face?

See, I have my own theories about that meme, man. I think that somebody who works for him knew what the fuck was going to happen. Oh, really? Yeah, that's my feeling, 100%. And they just, did it get them? Yeah, I think that anybody who works in tech, anybody who designs websites, you're savvy. You're internet savvy. And if you're one of those internet savvy people, you know what the fuck is going to happen.

If you say meme me and you take a picture of him with a hat on, just let the rape jokes fly. Do you believe in any of this stuff like the Illuminati? There it is. Hello, friend. Hollywood Illuminati? There it is. Hello, friend. Hollywood Illuminati. My Uber driver was completely, he thought for sure that, oh no, Hollywood wants him out now.

He did something, he pissed somebody off and they're going after him. He had this whole theory and I'm like, that might be true. He wasn't powerful enough. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Make him go away what? The key to that sentence is my uber driver right but a guy who's not making the best fucking decisions just picking up random strangers based on an app get in my car man let me tell you what i think

about hollywood and the elite and what do you do in that situation you just kind of agree with him to make a conversation get a free ride that's what you do yeah that situation? You just kind of agree with him to make the conversation go? Suck his dick. Get a free ride. That's what you do. Yeah. He just had this whole theory, and he connected it with other celebrities where he thinks Hollywood's just done with him, so they throw him under the bus. He said Charlie Sheen. Oh, come on. He's an idiot. Charlie Sheen was on TV talking about smoking rocks, and then from then, he went to get

a deal with FX that netted him somewhere in the neighborhood of $500 million. Yeah. An instant syndication deal. He made some insane amount of money. I mean,

I don't know how much. They really got him. How much did he make off that FX thing? It was some insane amount of money. It was instant syndication. It was 100 episodes.

More than $100 million he made off of that stupid FX thing. Yeah. And it's a terrible show. That anger management is a goddamn... No one even knows it's a terrible show. That anger management is a goddamn. No one even knows it's on.

Slapped together by monkeys with head injuries. It's awful. I mean, it's so bad. You watch the punchlines. He's like, what? $200 million Charlie Sheen experiment. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Come on. Well, they were riding on the waves of him leaving two and a half men. Well, look. Who are the other guys? Two and a half men. Some fucking executives that want to be seen. Look at me. I'm a big shot. I'm here with Charlie. We're going to do blow and get hookers.

Right, Charlie? What are we going to make? How about a fortune? Wow. Meanwhile, you guys fucked up the TV business, you dumbasses. They tried to do that deal with a bunch of other shows. They tried to do it with George Lopez and it fizzled out. What they did is, if you get past a certain amount of episodes, they

automatically pick it up for 100. They set it at 10. If you get past 10, they automatically pick it up for the back 90. Which is insane. But some dummy agreed to that based on the hype behind Charlie Sheen and the fact that he was doing

live shows with no material. Right, I forgot about the live shows. Oh, how could you? Kirk Fox was on one of them. Was he? Oh, my God, that poor bastard. They had not, but then our boy Russell saved it. Russell Peters started doing shows with him and saved it

because Russell's an awesome comedian and started interviewing Charlie and being funny while he was interviewing him. russell would crack some jokes ask some questions crack some more jokes and everybody was entertained by it and then charlie could tell his crazy hooker stories in the context of like a like a showbiz set yeah you're doing panel yeah russell knows how to do theater right he knows how to entertain these people right He's acutely aware that all these folks are watching, whereas Charlie was just like, I'm just going to go out there and beat Charlie Sheen.

They're like, boo! Give us our money. He's like, I already got your money. Oh, that's right. Remember that? Oh, those were awful. Those sets were devastating. I mean, and he was in a panic after that,

and that's when they brought in comics and started bringing comics on the road with them. God. Yeah, but that was riding a panic after that. And that's when they brought in comics and started bringing comics on the road with them. God. Yeah, but that was riding the wave of that. They did this anger management thing. Right. And, you know, the first couple episodes probably weren't so bad. Yeah.

But it's fucking terrible. Right. Yeah, so take that, Illuminati. But they're writing 100 episodes. And it's not even their fault. No. They're writing 100 episodes. They're shooting two a week.

Yeah. So how much time do they put into these fucking jokes? Right. You can't. Almost none. Almost no time. There's hardly any time if you do one a week. Yeah.

It's fucking hard. Making a sitcom is fucking hard. I've done it. I did it for five years. Yeah. It is not easy. It becomes easier once things get gelling. Yeah.

But even then, man, writers fucking hit blocks. They don't know what... I mean, there was days, like, we were in news radio, like, season four. There was days where the script just didn't fucking work. Right. These writers had busted their ass and banged against the keyboards, and they just couldn't find a way to make this scene work. And they've abandoned whole scenes and put in new ones

and rewrite things the next day you know were you involved in writing at all at that point not writing but i wrote a lot of the jokes that i said on the show like ad lib them on see what we do is on set the way the way it worked with news radio paul sims who's the creator it was a genius he's a really really smart guy yeah but also also he had a really healthy ego like it didn't have to be his words

that were read so he would write things and then Dave Foley was really like an uncredited producer of that show because Dave

rewrote entire scenes he rewrote jokes wrote jokes for me and for Vicky Lewis and for Andy for everybody he rewrote stuff

and then would present this new version of it. And Dave was like really respectful. He's like, we have this idea. Would you like to see it? And Paul was like, yeah, let's see what you got. And then Paul would be like, I like yours better. Let's go with that. That's great.

And so like literally 40% of that show, maybe even more, was ad-libbed on the set by either Fo foley or andy ad-libbed a lot of stuff i ad-libbed a lot of stuff we wrote for each other yeah you know like sometimes you know you'd see andy doing something and and i would go why don't you say this and be like oh yes you know or vicky or what you know whoever it's like that sort of environment where you can all contribute to me it just makes a better show yeah you know, but it's not always that you get a cast that can do that and think about that Just those names that you're using just those great. Everyone's a killer. Yeah, and that's How difficult it is to just pull off a show use having all those killer all that talent Phil Hartman Steven Root

Steven was one of the few that didn't write. He didn't ad-lib anything Yeah, Steven Root would get the script, and he was a character. If you talk to him or you see him on news radio, you assume that he's that guy. Yeah. He's nothing like that guy. Oh, no. He's the sweetest guy ever. He's so nice and normal when you meet him.

Yeah. But he'd had this Jimmy James character was a character that he developed. Him and Phil Hartman were the ones who were like characters. Yeah, yeah. They had developed a character now imagine doing two of those a week yeah it's impossible I don't know how the fuck anybody would do it right not only that but doing two of them a week without Dave Foley and without Paul Sims and that right I mean maybe the people that are writing that show are good I don't know I don't know but also there's

no fucking incentive when you got 90 episodes picked up it's like let's just fucking mail this in just go yeah we're stuck here yeah

it's you've got the gig already yeah the gig's not gonna go away right you know it's hard to pull those things off the air yeah

oh man that is rough forget it Illuminati I don't think the Illuminati is that organized I don't know I don't think I don't even know what Illuminati. I don't think the Illuminati is that organized. I don't know. I don't think. I don't even know what Illuminati is.

I just consider it like Hollywood is what this Uber driver was talking about. The big Hollywood execs. Yeah, but people always want to think that when it doesn't work out for them. That's the thing about Hollywood. 100%. They all want to think that there's some sort of grand conspiracy. 100%. You know, I think that with whenever you talk to, you know but you know i think that with uh whenever

you talk to you know i'm around comedians all the time so depending on who you're talking to they'll say well they don't want they're not they're not looking for white guys and then you talk to your other buddies like they're not looking for black guys because he's black well they're not asians there's only one asian can get everybody whatever you are you think they don't want. But if you can create something, and that something is popular, and that something is sellable, and then people are buying it, and everybody loves it.

One of the beautiful things about being a comic is that you can prove it on your own. If you develop a following, and you go on stage, and you start killing it on the road, and everybody wants to come see you, they want to do a show with Tom Papa. They're like, Tom, what are we going to do? How do we get a piece of this money, Tom? Come on, Tom. They're trying to figure out how to profit off of what you're doing.

Right, exactly. This idea that there's some sort of a grand conspiracy. No, what you're selling sucks. You're selling us nothing. Yeah, right, exactly. No one's interested. That's the conspiracy. The conspiracy is it's not very good.

People are conspiring to only put things that they like on TV. Sorry. Right. Sorry you don't fit into that plan. No, Bill Cosby is a part of a grand conspiracy. That's hilarious. They hypnotized all these different women, and they got them to say the exact same thing.

And Randy Quaid. Did you see that video, Randy Quaid? Oh, he's crazy as fuck? see that video right he's crazy as yeah yeah randy quaid's crazy as what happened he released a new video today where he a new one today really well i don't know if it's the same one uh it's the one with a crazy white beard and he puts a mask on yeah that was a couple of days girlfriend what simulates that he's fucking bad acting really yeah he's gone nuts he went crazy well he went crazy a couple years ago he owed a lot of money and there was like a house that he was living in they kicked him out he was

running from hotels to the san ysidro ranch yeah yeah it's a really expensive place i've been there beautiful place you can crank up a real big bill in a couple days and he stayed for like six days and then split didn't pay it he did that a couple places oh man it got weird oh it's you know when people get old some people yeah they have like a tendency for eccentricity and then as they get old that morphs into full-blown crazy right you know it's like you got a little bit of a cold and the next thing you got aids right what's really weird is that his girlfriend is out of your control His wife is on board though So it almost seems like maybe they're just drug addicts together

Instead of being a crazy thing Because the fact that she's not like My husband's going crazy They might just be up in meth and stuff It's hard to both get on the same page with that That's a good point They might be methed up They're not using their drugs like adults

Wait a minute, but no, they're actors Actors don't do drugs, man It's just crazy talk They're not using their drugs like adults. Wait a minute, but no, they're actors. Actors don't do drugs, man. This is crazy talk. Charlie Sheen and his conspiracy. Get the fuck out of here. The guy's being interviewed on ABC talking about doing rocks. Smoking rocks.

Remember that? Yeah. That's how I roll. Right, exactly. Like, get off. Yeah, I know a couple girls that have signed the papers where they're not allowed to talk about the stuff that happened with Charlie Sheen. Really? Because he makes them sign confidentiality.

And does he give them money or something? Just hanging out with them? Shit loads of money. Like, the most retarded amounts of money for doing nothing. Like, girls just to come hang out at his house? Yeah, let's just say that. Well, he's a big fan of prostitutes, and I think when you've

got the kind of money that that guy's got, he's been on several big time series, a bunch of movies. He's probably worth close to a billion dollars at this point, right? So when you've got that, putting aside a hundred grand for some little little senorita. Listen, senorita, we had some strange

times. A lot of people wouldn't understand what went on between you and me and the glass table. They just wouldn't get it. You and I love it, but they wouldn't understand. I know you've got a transmission issue and you need to get your tires changed, and I'm willing to do that for you. Let's just put a little bit of sugar in your bank account. Just sign this. Just put a little sugar in your bank account. Yeah. bit of sugar in your bank account just sign this just put a little sugar in your bank account yeah i ran into this gal once at the um at the comedy store back in the day uh with her new boyfriend that was one of the playboy bunnies that lived on the at the house right and she was

apparently going to write some tell-all but i don't know if she ever wound up doing it but you know those those stories where people have that sort of a situation where you know you're getting paid by some guy and there's like some money being exchanged yeah semi-prostitutional type situation it's like does get weird you know you're dealing with some uber wealthy cat oh man you know yeah old and up and right like some crazy king. Yeah. Well, he was like, Hugh Hefner's kind of like a crazy king. Yeah, for sure. He's got like this weird harem of young gals. Yeah.

Walking around in his robe. Another robe guy. Another robe guy. He's got a smoking jacket, though. We've got to get robes. Yeah. I know we need robes. We need robes.

We should do a whole show in robes. Are you down? I'm totally down. That lady's making us those astronaut shirts. I can't wait. What are those? Do you remember that there was a scientist that got in trouble? They landed a comet.

They landed a robot on a comet. Oh, yeah. And the guy who was celebrating it, he wore a shirt that his friend designed. It was his friend who's into rockabilly sort of pin-up girl type stuff right and she she that that picture right there that that was like an homage to his friend right because his friend made him that shirt and that's what she does so he said i'll just wear i'll wear your shirt on tv and then all these people got so mad like look at this against women scroll up scroll up look at the the actual is. I don't care if you landed a spacecraft on a comet,

your shirt is sexist and ostracizing. Oh God. Ah! You fucking dummies. His shirt is so badass. Yeah, not only that, it's his sexy women.

I mean, if he was wearing a shirt with a bunch of He-Men, Masters of the Universe on it, you know, Tarzan with his long flowing locks swinging from... Would anybody complain? Right. Naked Tom Selleck could be on the back. Right. If that girl,

if the girl interviewing him, for whatever reason, if the roles were reversed, if he was the interviewer and she was the scientist and she had a shirt on, like a bowling shirt with a bunch of studly bodybuilder dudes on it, it would be funny. Right, exactly. just have a good time enjoy your lives well this these are just pinup girls you know they're just girls and like swanky yeah

sort of like he invented that stuff fucking assholes no one likes to have fun anymore who are you that's so upsetting to you? What's wrong with you? Let it go. It's just a fucking shirt. Yeah. It would be one thing if it was a bunch of chicks getting fucking double penetrated. You know, it was like a bunch of chicks getting just...

You know what airtight is? Yeah. Yeah. I had a friend and... His friend was dating a porn star, and he was cool with it for a while. It's like, oh, it's okay, you know, she brings home girls and all this different jazz. And, you know, what do you think about it?

Oh, it just sucks. And then one day he got a hold of her contract, and the contract said airtight. It was like in the contract. And he was like, what's airtight? She's like a dick in every hole. He's like, I'm out. Sit. Done. It's over. It's in the contract. This is not

my special lady. That was the breaking point. I can't explain that one to my mom. He was just sitting there going air airtight. And that was it. I'm sorry what what does that mean like he was cool he was cool with her with two guys yeah he was cool with her but three was it

three was where he just about airtight it's like that's a sure sign there's too much porn being made yeah right you gotta plug every hole has it been done no plug them up plug it up we're innovators get that little guy we got two ears to fill and then there's like a lawyer in an office drafting that contract two midgets squirting lube in your ear and just grabbing the top and the bottom and just, and then the two midgets are making out. So they're gay. They're making out with each other while they skull fuck her ears. And another guy's fucking her mouth.

Put that on a shirt. It's probably been done. We're probably, we're wrong. It's probably been done. I bet that's been done. I don't think you can think up anything that hasn't. Probably at this point. Right.

It's probably Asian midgets. What year was the first ass-to-mouth done? I mean, that had to be in the 2000s, right? That didn't exist. If you go back to the glory days of Ginger Lynn and Ron Jeremy and Peter North, there was no ass-to-mouth. They didn't

have to. It was just people having sex. Good old-fashioned good time. It's like when Don Rickles does a show. And afterwards he's got a silver robe on and slippers. That's show business baby. Show business. We didn't have to do what you do. We don't have to do ass to mouth or air tight or anything. That's fucking

midgets fucking your ear nonsense. These are gimmicks. It's what you rely on when you got no talent. It's like Boogie Nights. Yeah, right? I don't do video. I make film. I don't do video.

Do they even make films anymore with film? They don't use film anymore, right? Some do. Do they? They hardly do for movies. But you could do. For regular movies. There's some directors that only want to shoot film because they don't believe in the whole digital shit.

Like Tarantino, right? Yeah, I think Tarantino's not. But he's a wacko. He's a wild man. I think documentaries, a lot of documentaries maybe still be on film. Yeah, probably not.

Well, there's a lot of photographers that believe in photography, like that it has to, like digital photography, like something's missing. Right. That nobody else sees. It's like when people are like,

no, you've got to use this gold cable for your yeah system it's gonna you know you can use an instagram filter to achieve all that you fuck for free yeah yeah i don't it's like the new star wars movie they're not using like cgi this time around or they're using all like old school like you know puppets and like how they used to do it yeah it's pretty cool i don't know man there is definitely an overload of cgi where you're just like am i i'm am i watching a video game at this point yeah the guy who directed my uh last comedy special and wanted to do it in black

and white steven spielberg well burr did his in black and white but i think he actually filmed it i don't know maybe he didn't but this was before was before that, before Burr even knew Burr was doing his in black and white. And I go, but it's already in color. Like, why would we do that? Like, what? I go, that's like, why not just draw it? Take all the frames and draw everything I'm doing. Right.

Just do your best. Just colorize it. Get out of here. Or just have an option to make it black and white by turning it off on your TV. You can make any special black and white if you wanted to. You can do that, right? If you fuck with the contrast and the color. Color.

God, it's just so weird. This desire for the archaic to go back to the old days. Old timey. Come on, I'm going to put the fucking needle on the... By the way, that turntable that you got me, it's still not working, right? Do we ever do anything about that? Oh, really?

What's wrong with it? Jamie, get on the ball, son. Yeah, that's the problem. It wasn't working. I got my daughter a turntable, and it didn't work. We had to bring it back, and the other thing, and it starts skipping. It's like, yeah, this is why we stopped using this stuff.

It's kind of shitty. But it's undeniable that this sound is a little different. It is different. That's undeniable. Yeah. It's kind of shitty. But. It's cool though. It's undeniable that this sound is a little different. It is different. That's undeniable. Yeah. It is. It's comforting.

Well, apparently there's a new Walkman that's expensive as fuck. It's a new Sony Walkman and it's an MP3 recorder that is supposed to have like the most incredible premium sound.

Right. And Sony just released this at the latest video show, the Consumer Electronics Show. Yeah, in Vegas. In Vegas. And it's a big gamble because it's like more than $1,000. Are you serious? Yeah.

Here, I'll pull it up and we'll try this little wacky little thing. I got one. Neil Young's book or read about Neil Young's book. He has this. Sony wants you to buy a $1 mp3 player okay what's that sound now you're hearing a sound stopped it was on this cable oh the cable does that yeah how ironic as we're talking about better sound what all right uh yeah ironic last month, Sony finally unveiled a new Walkman MP3 player,

which may have been expected for some time. People first got a look at the device. It's CES 2015, but it was a sleek design. Our excellent ergonomics that caught people's eyes. It was the price tag. The ZX2, priced at just under $1,200. What the fuck? That's more than a phone,

which already has an MP3 player. Yeah. Hmm. Huh. Why? Because it sounds so great. It's being offered as the audiophile's choice. A new focus of the music and, see, I think that this kind of technology will exist

in phones soon. Right. That's the thing. But to buy it as a handheld outside I don't have a fucking thing outside of my phone okay I have a phone my phone has a hundred and twenty eight fucking gigabytes there's plenty of goddamn songs in this thing and I'm not buying something else no and if I took a mp3 file that was say recorded at 128 kilobits per second or whatever or you know twice that yeah and played both of them I really doubt most of us would

even care or hear the difference in it at all well you know what does matter though is really good headphones yeah really good headphones yeah my kids can play like their phones they'll play a song just in that speaker and just leave it and they love it and it really drives me crazy i just can't hear that like lame quality it just drives me nuts i have these uh earbuds from shure oh yeah and they have like steel braided cables that are covered with plastic they're like very expensive and i was like all right let me just just for a goof buy these things yeah see if it makes a difference it makes a big it It makes a big fucking difference. It does.

Yeah, they have like drivers inside the ears, like the little butt. They feel weird. Hooked into your phone? Yeah, I plug it into my phone. It's fucking fantastic. And it like blows away like the regular iPad. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's quite a bit better.

It's quite a bit better. Really? But, you know, I don't remember how much it costs. It was a lot of money, though. But is it like $1,000 better? I don't know. Right. It's interesting, the driver thing, because because uh beats when they were still together with uh dr dray and beats

you know they used their own special driver a lot of people complained that it was really bassy and too too much bass now that they broke up i just got a new pair and it's completely different it's it's like it's it doesn't even seem like the same headphones even though it's specifically almost exactly the same headphones i used to have they look the same but it doesn't even seem like the same headphones, even though it's almost exactly the same headphones I used to have. They look the same, but it doesn't sound the same. Right, and they're Bluetooth now, so you just have these awesome headphones. You can answer calls on them. I mean, it's great.

I don't understand. You guys are tech savvy. LeBron, he's doing the Beats wireless things that you're working out. So if you're running, though, that means you're – like I run with a shuffle connected, but that go working out. So if you're running, though, that means you're... Like, I run with a shuffle, you know, connected. But that's not Bluetooth. No, you can't do it with a shuffle, but you mean you can... If I'm running through the streets...

An iPod shuffle. Yeah. That's what you're saying? Right. Those little tiny ones with the clip-on? Those are dope. Just put them right on your waistband and go. But you can't use the wireless...

Not for that, no. See, what you need is a fucking phone and a fanny pack. Everyone scared of goddamn fanny packs. It's the way to go. You slip that sucker right in there, clip it down. And go running? Do whatever you have to do. You're running with your phone?

Yeah, I run with my phone. That makes me nervous. I don't really run, though. For running-type stuff, I do everything on a treadmill or an elliptical. Not even a treadmill, usually. An elliptical machine. You're not running through the streets like a maniac i do plenty of pounding with my joints hitting things i don't like to do extra pounding for i think i'm already taking chances

with my joints from kickboxing i don't want to with it with all that other stuff yeah i just i'm getting nervous about running with my phone they have those cases i have one that you know your phone goes in and it just goes on your arm and those are good and you don't even feel like you have it on there oh really do you have the you don't have the plus though you have the six no i went back down to the six you have the plus yeah do you like it yeah i love it i feel like i got the six and i feel like i should have gotten the bigger one you know what's better the battery life is tremendous it's so really the battery is good for like a couple of days. It's it's really good You know like I can listen to music I believe I bring it to when I do shows

I have a Bluetooth hooked up to this little speaker. I set the speaker up in the green room I play music with it, and then I get on stage I record all my sets with it and I can do shows with that playing the music all that taking pictures No, really no problems the battery does go on the 6 when you're listening to the last episode or watching stuff. Yeah, it goes. I mean, the 6 is essentially the same battery as the 5.

The 5S. It's the same battery. It is? Yeah. Basically the same battery life but a larger screen so it sort of counters. It might be a slightly larger battery

but a larger screen. I always buy the wrong stuff. Dude, you could get a new one. Give it away. Let's give it to somebody. Give it to somebody. Give it to somebody. Give it to your kid. Yeah.

You know? I guess. First world problems. I always buy things twice. I never think things through and make the right purchase. I have a podcast phone for the studio that's a Samsung Galaxy S5. And there's parts of that that I like better than the iPhone. Really?

It's a little bit smaller. It's five inches instead of... Is this just because you're friends with Neil Brennan? It's like 5.5. No. I don't want to say anything that gets Neil Brennan in trouble, but he might not always use that phone all the time. I don't know what you're talking about, Joe.

I don't know. I don't know what you're saying. What I like about this, the Samsung is this little bad boy right here this thing when it clips in place yeah phone you drop it in the toilet it's fucking waterproof really they call it water resistant but right the fucking thing can go underwater and be fine whereas if this bitch goes underwater it's a dead man yeah I know there's nothing scarier than having a glass of water next to your phone on the counter and And it's got a heartbeat detector right there. You put your finger over there, and it shows your heartbeat.

To see if you're in love? Yes. It's very important. It's a mood ring. Which you can do with apps now. They have apps where you put your finger over the... It actually measures... They have an app on the iPhone where it measures...

It uses the flash from the camera camera and it pulses on your finger and actually measures the heartbeats from reading with the camera lens and reading the light on your finger. That's amazing. Fucking crazy, right? This is a great world we live in. What I like about this, though, there's two things that I like about the Samsung. First, the big one is you can take the fucking battery out and put a new one in so if your battery runs dry extra in your back you put a separate battery in and you have a full charge instantly then also i like you can add memory you can stick a little memory card in there and you get an extra 128 gigs yeah but you

don't you don't seem as cool. Dude! Who are you trying to impress, Tom Papa? I don't know. Everybody. I think there's no perfect phone is what I'm saying. There's parts of this that I love. Two phone numbers? Yes.

Wow. This is the studio phone. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. But this is better. Can I hold that? Yeah. This is a better operating system. The iPhone operating system is is better. Can I hold that? Yeah. This is a better operating system.

The iPhone operating system is clearly better. Right. And the iPhone camera is a little better, too. But that's pretty goddamn good. I mean, the difference between the Galaxy operating system and the iPhone and the camera and the camera in this is so... Pretty close. You're kind of splitting hairs. Yeah.

Yeah, it feels the same. Brian disagrees. I disagree. Have you fucked with the S5? You're all Apple. Have you fucked with the Galaxy S5? No, but I've heard a lot of complaints about the S5,

especially with the thumbprint sensor is not really the best. Oh, really? The thumbprint sensor is dog shit. I do love that about the iPhone. It's great on the iPhone. It's dog shit on that thing. Oh, really?

Yeah. Like, I'll show you. Watch. I have to do it like four times. Watch this shit. Watch. Here we go. Look Yeah. Like, I'll show you. Watch. I have to do it like four times. Watch this shit. Watch. Here we go. Look, it says, swipe the entire pad.

Why do you have to tell me that? Okay, I'll swipe it. Oh, no match, you fucking cunt. Oh, no match again, you fuckhead. Let's see it one more time. No match three times. It's my thumb. I only have one of them.

Oh, you fuck. Five unsuccessful attempts to unlock your device. Try again in 30 seconds. All right, so that's it. I'm out. You shit. I only have one of them. Oh, you fuck! Five unsuccessful attempts to unlock your device. Try again in 30 seconds. That's it. I'm out. I'm out. I couldn't go through that. I really couldn't. You fucking piece of shit. I really couldn't.

Son of a bitch. You're getting chased down an alley trying to call 911 while you're doing this crap. The best thing is just go on a road trip. Have both phones. Try to use that on the way to somewhere. Try to use the iPhone on the way back. You'll know what I'm talking about.

It's just crap. Case closed, counselor. One second. Let's see. One second. Let's see if I can do it. Swipe faster, Sammy. Anything.

Recognized. Oh, you recognize me. Oh, you love me. You love me. That's so cute. We like it, Joe. It's disgusting. Now, did you do. Oh, you love me. You love me. That's so cute. We like it, Joe. It's disgusting. Now, did you do both thumbs, though?

What's that? Did you do both thumbs? Are you using, like, the wrong thumb? Like, you only did one thumb and not the other thumb, maybe? No, man. No. No. I mean, yeah.

I mean, I use one thumb. I only use one thumb on this fucking piece of shit. I open my laptop at home, and there's my Wi-Fi, and then there's the printer Wi-Fi. And it just goes to the printer Wi-Fi. I open it up, and then I go to it, and it's like just that, having to go and change it from the printer to the thing every time. Ew. Just forget that network. I might move.

You should kill somebody. You know? It's bullshit. I literally physically am at the table like, oh. Just forget that network. I might move. You should kill somebody. Bullshit. I literally physically am at the table like, oh. Like in anger. Yeah. But I mean, the idea of even having a fingerprint sensor on your phone was so sexy just a little while ago.

I know. And they came out with that. Was this the first one that had the fingerprint sensor with the iPhone or the last one? The 5. The 5S. The 5S. Like the upgraded 5 had it. Yeah. I love the fingerprint sensor. Oh iPhone or the last one? The 5S. The 5S, like the upgraded 5 had it. I love the fingerprint

sensor. Did you know that cops can force you to use the fingerprint sensor but they can't force you to enter in your code? Wow. So if you ever get arrested, delete all of your fingerprints. I have a great tip I just found out that it's really scary is that

turn off this thing. You know, like if you have your phone up and you go up like that and you have that quick menu. Right. Say you lose your phone. Somebody picks it up. They put it in airplane mode so you can't find your phone. They steal your phone.

So there's no way for the Find Your Phone app to find you. So you need to turn off this swipe up menu because that's what they do. Like if you leave a phone in a taxi, the taxi guy goes, airplane move on. He knows now. Now he knows, Brian. Yeah, now that you're sharing that information with the terrorists. Jesus Christ, Brian. Brian.

That does make sense, though. They can't use the find your phone because people have gotten their asses kicked from that find your phone. Yeah. When you, you know, someone stole your phone, you're ding-dong, excuse me, do you have my phone? I don't know what you're talking about. Bam, bitch. I got a Find Your Phone app, you fuckhead.

They can only find the address. They can't find what room it's in. Right. You have to tear someone's goddamn house apart. Go through the whole hotel. I mean, how accurate is it? It's not like one of those James Bond homing devices. How motivated are you for your phone?

What if it's an apartment building in Manhattan? It's pretty accurate, Joe, because on my house, I can see exactly what room I'm in if I look at myself. What does it show you? It shows me the outline of my house in Google Maps, and then it shows me what room I'm in on my house. What room your phone is in? Yeah.

Whoa. And I'll use the, like, if I can't find my phone, I'll go on my laptop and make it play a sound, and I'll find my phone like, you know, underneath the couch or something like that. That's incredible. You can make it play a sound even if it's off, right? Even if the sound, the ringer's off? Yeah, yeah.

Really? Whoa. There's also another app I recommend called Secret, which is another one that I put on all my phones and my laptops and stuff. And what it is, it's a program that's always running that does the same kind of thing but you could also turn on your webcam and take photos so if somebody stole your laptop they won't even know that you're just sitting there filming them getting their gps get every single key type that they type in or your girlfriend can put that on your phone and catch you beating off yeah oh boy it always comes

back to bite you. I did the find your phone. It's like my friends or something to see where my daughter was. And it's not that accurate. It's always like. It said she was in a black neighborhood, and that's just not possible. It can't be, right? That's just bad technology. That didn't make any sense.

It made no sense. Tell me you were at school, honey. Right? You were at school? It's way more accurate if you're connected to a Wi-Fi network. If she's not connected to a Wi-Fi network, it has to try to guess where it is. But it doesn't work on airplane mode, huh? That's weak.

Yeah, they need to change that, or they need to make it so your thumbprint, if it's locked, you can't just access that menu. I love that swiping up thing, though, to use the, or they need to make it so your thumbprint, if it's locked, you can just access that menu. I love that swiping up thing, though, to use the flashlight. I use the flashlight all the time. There's no way I'm turning off that up swipe thing. Yeah, that swipe up thing is pretty dope. I just wonder if you could turn it off, you know, from the lock screen, like if it's on a

lock screen. But I like to use a camera from that. Or just pick a thumb and then use it. Alarm. Yes. All these things. I can't. I've got to do two steps. God damn it. I can't handle that.

I'm very busy. Give a little. They take a little. Well, these things are constantly improving. They're constantly innovating and adding to them. Yeah. That sound thing that you see on that Walkman, you'd be a silly person to buy that stupid $1,200 Walkman.

Oh, yeah. Because that's going to be in your phone soon. Yeah. I know they're working on that. They're working on improvements. I read something about digital cell phones working on improvements of sound quality in anticipation of these type of devices. Right.

You know what I want them to do? Do you use Apple Pay? Do you use that way to waive the phone? You waive the phone and it pays? I want them to fix the toll system at LAX. You never get in the car after a gig or whatever, and then you're like, there's that line, and nobody has the thing, and they can't find the card,

and it just takes forever to get out of there. It's like, you can't tell me there's not going to be an app and a waiving of the phones that's going to solve this problem. We should be out of here immediately. Do you remember when the fast pass in New York passed through and you could just drive through? You didn't have to pay the tolls. People were so excited.

You just had to drive. The green light went on. You went right through. It saved so much fucking time in traffic. So much time. Because traffic in New York on toll booths used to be insanity. Hell. You wanted to be insanity. Hell. You wanted to fucking eat a shotgun.

Have you ever rented a car in New York and realized you didn't have the FastPass? I just drive through anyway. Me too. Ring that bell, bitch. That was always cool. I'm not staying in that line. Fuck you. Bill me. Joe always did the pimp move.

He would have a rental car and he was like, what? Tote? Man, I'm driving right by. It was so cool. I was like, damn, that's so awesome he doesn't give a as a man you get a bill in the mail you pay it who is this i don't even pay my bills somebody else pays them i don't give a i don't even feel it yeah you have a business guy yeah gotta get one of those is it great oh i just met a guy yesterday well my guy's a good friend that i've had for a long time you want to know the dude.

This guy knows. He's worked with other good friends. That helps. But does it make your life that much better? Oh, most certainly. It does. Yeah. Well, it's for everything, too.

Right. If you want to buy a house, if you want to buy a car, if you need... They take care of your bills. They take care of everything. They give you an itemized monthly report every week or every month on your finances. And you don't have to worry anymore. You don't have to think about anything. That's great.

That sounds so great. There's a lot of time involved in being a human being that takes away from work that you could be doing that actually makes you more money. Right. So when people say, oh, but you're giving away X amount of percent of your income. Yeah, but I'm making more money because I'm thinking more and i'm doing more i don't just sit in front of my fucking computer paying bills for hours every night writing checks and trying to keep track and remember balancing a checkbook what the fuck kind of i never got your ledger you know a little ledger yeah no i am so i feel like so tapped out for time i've got no i need a staff and this

this seems like yeah good first spot well you're a comic and you have a family too so there's a lot of stuff this i have too many things going on i don't have any time for that yeah all right i'm gonna do it joe i'm, I'm broke. Well, listen, I... Well, that has happened too. You know, there have been guys that have been unscrupulous. I remember there was an issue way back in the day where there was an agent that was stealing money from a bunch of, like, big-name clients.

Like, Lenny Clark got hit. They stole, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars from him and Jerry Seinfeld. It was like... Oh, really? Yeah, there was an agency that was going on that was doing that for people I forget I'll have to ask Lenny next time I see him yeah but it was devastating a lot of these guys he'd lost just hundreds of thousands of

dollars somebody just Dan Cook's brother oh yeah that was bad that was really brutal he's in jail yeah imagine your brother is in jail for robbing you, and they have never recovered millions of that money. Well, there was a lot that was owed to the IRS, too. There's a lot owed to the IRS, but there's also missing money. Oh, really? Yeah, his brother stole money from him and went on a drive across the country, and they don't know what the fuck he did when he was driving.

He could have stopped at banks and got security boxes under assumed names. I mean, I don't know how much is involved in getting a security box at a bank, but there might be. It's like Shawshank. It's just buried by a post. I mean, there might be fucking coffee cans somewhere under fence posts with a million dollars rolled up in it. I'm going to find it.

I mean, have you ever seen what a million dollars looks like in a bag of $100 bills? It's not as much as you would think it is. You've seen it? It's like a suitcase. Like a small bag. All you do is just dig a fucking hole. You throw that shit in there. Brother.

You just got to be able to triangulate it on a GPS. And oh, shit. That is an awful story. Imagine you get there and there's an apartment building where the spot was. Where's my bag? I just did 20 years in the big house. The big house. The big house.

Where's my bag of money? That's an awful story. What's fucked up? Because it was his brother, too. And he found out after his parents passed, right? Right after. That's brutal. Well, he also, I think it was his half-brother, which you should be really careful of those little fucks yeah half brothers not

really brothers they're trying to pretend they're your brother what's the other half where's the other half you fucker but um his brother apparently you know dane was like you know i'm um i'm gonna start investing my money all those different things i talked this guy and his brother's like no no don't do that don't do that look I got this I got the door I'm taking care of everything oh we're making plenty money it's like well what do you mean I'm making like they started asking questions well look I want to get somebody to just go over the finances oh I got everything don't worry about it or like what and then he started getting like super nervous like what are you

talking about many and then he started to get it investigated and when he got investigated realize his brother just fucking stealing. Like, they went to his house. He had hundreds of thousands of dollars in his bank. Like, he had a safe, rather. Yeah. After all that success. He had money.

All that work. He had money that was in plastic bags that was frozen in tomato sauce. Like, he had frozen it and put it in the freezer. What the fuck? Stuffed it in, like, these plastic bags and then put it in his freezer. Like, he was hiding money all over the place. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was dark.

That is crazy. Yeah, and it was his own blood, you know. He trusted his brother. He thought, his brother, hell, he'll never fuck me. But, you know, I guess his brother was like, this fucking guy doesn't need all this money the fuck is he he's not even that funny fucking stole from him oh man yeah it's dark that is really dark all right maybe i'll do my own bill

we got them up we got them down yeah it's i don't know man it's real tricky when you're trying to save money like that and trying to yeah but that's the thing i mean if i wouldn't stop being on top of it you know what i mean right right i know we're all my save you know what i mean you're kind of monitor that stuff all the time you should you most certainly should yeah yeah you know you know it's all it's all it's all for the kids it's all like, it's all setting them up. You know what I mean? Right. You have like funds and everything.

Yeah, so it's all like, it's all just for the future. Small, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's not like in these crazy accounts where someone could like mess with me. Yeah, I know people that don't even have managers. They just have an agent. And they, you know, just do everything through their agent. They have agents take care of everything. I like but you know like well like i'm saving

money i'm like yeah you are but you have to think about more stuff that way right that's the i know that's really that's it sucks up so much of your brain power just have to go and do that stuff also i think that if you think too much in the financial sense like how much am i making how much more can i make i can get this out of them well i'm gonna ask for that and hopefully i'll get like less but you know i'll overshoot but if you if you have all that kind of thinking going out of your head i think that's like contrary to creative thinking i think creative thinking is like non-selfish non-aware like when when i think like creatively i'm empty when i think i sit in front of my computer i'm not thinking about myself at all i'm thinking about the idea i'm not thinking

how much money can this idea make me right you know right exactly it's uh that's back to the the weed thing yes because i really started feeling like i'm uber responsible and I'm running this company. Right. I'm running this company. Tom Papa Incorporated. Tom Papa Incorporated. Doing the radio show, doing the TV stuff, doing the stand-up stuff, doing all this managing, all this stuff. Taking care of the family, taking care of everybody, all these human beings, doing all this.

And I'm like, if I don't start smoking weed, I'm going to literally turn into IBM. Seriously. I'm like, I need to, not all the time, but I need to. I'd like writing high. I write my best stuff when I'm high. Original stuff or punch up stuff? Both. Both.

I mean, I write without it too. There's a lot of times where I write, I just sit down and write. And sometimes those ideas are great jokes or great ideas or great bits. Yeah. But there's stuff that comes to me when I'm high where I'm like, this is just a gift by the universe. Right. There's just something just came to my head that I don't think I would have come up with without the weed. No.

No. It kicks open these doors. Yeah. I mean, that's like a famous quote by Carl Sagan. Carl Sagan had a famous quote about what marijuana does to you. Oh, yeah? Yeah. This is like, here, I'll find it.

This is like a famous quote. I mean, Carl Sagan was like a known pothead. I didn't know that. Yeah. I'm convinced that there are genuine and valid levels of perception available with cannabis and probably with other drugs, which are, through the defects of our society and our educational system, unavailable to us without such drugs.

Carl motherfucking Sagan. Wow. Smoking weed, using a telescope, lighting bitches' brains on fire. Billions and billions. Billions and billions of stars. Billions. Do you like the new Cosmos?

Yeah, love it. It's great. Yeah, he's amazing. My kids got into it. Well, he's another one. Neil deGrasse Tyson, in making that show, is taking so much shit from creationists and from fucking people that,

you should show the other side as well. How about having a creationist debate you upon your program? Oh, God. They wouldn't run it in Kansas right yeah one of those states they literally the first week it was like they said it was just didn't happen really in that second week it was like oh no this is they're not running it is that true yeah a station yeah it was like a Google yeah Google it was like the premier of it cosmos did not run in kansas yeah is that true yes god idiots

god they didn't run the uh the premiere episode and they were like they said like it was a problem with something like the broadcast or something and then what is that false That's false. False. False. Oh, you fucking purveyor of bad information, Tom Papa. Oh, I saw an interview. How dare you? I saw. I saw it online. What's his name? No, what's his name?

Who said it? Seth talking about it. Seth Rogen? No, the other Seth. Seth MacFarlane? The dancing one. Who's that? Seth MacFarlane.

MacFarlane. Well, he's full of shit. He's probably high. Pending a bill, it would force Fox Television Network. That's full of shit. He's probably high. Pending a bill that would force Fox Television Network. That's too many words. What's it say? It goes down more. This might have been about a law, though.

That's about a law. I'm not wrong. I'll keep checking. All right, thank you. You have a crack staff here. Well, he gets a lot of shit, though, for sure. He gets a lot of shit from creationists. Man, he's the best.

There's a lot of people that are upset with him because he's illuminating people on the actual facts and measured reality of the internet yeah of the universe of the universe rather george carlin said that he would smoke doing he would come up with his ideas straight but then make it all funnier and punch it up yeah yeah i mean everybody's got their own method that's not a bad method for me i like to write high as sometimes because when i write high as like sometimes i'll get high as and i think i'm gonna go into the isolation tank right and my computer just goes come here man come here sit down right and i just sit down and i start writing on the computer and i never make it into the tank really yeah just an idea comes, and it just gets out of my head, like in these big bursts. It's the best.

Yeah, and I feel like you've got to capture those moments. You've got to figure out. That's why I think it's very important for comics to be able to type well because a lot of comics, they peck and poke, and you miss out on ideas because you can't grab them out of the air quick enough. Yeah. Do you ever write longhand? No.

I mean, I do. But when I write, like, all this shit, like, during shows and stuff, where I have an idea that I don't want to forget, most of what it is is just, like, really quick cliff notes. Right. Or when I have my notebook that I use for shows, I just write the same things down over and over again like if you look at my notebook i'll look like a crazy person because i'm just trying to remember the order and make sure that

i get the key punch lines especially like on new stuff it's like the shining it's just page after page of the same stuff it's so weird yeah do you use notes on your iphone yes i do that what do you call that file is Mine's called Bunny. No, it's just notes. Just this little notepad thing. I got one here that I had to write yesterday about racial profiling.

I have a lot of them. These are all things that are just written down. Oh, they're all random. Yeah, I put them all in one file. Oh, do you? I put them all under funny. It's a very low percentage

of what actually gets turned into a joke. Right. But it's like you got to throw a lot of shit up against the wall. Yeah. Do you record your sets? I do. Yeah. I do.

I used to use this voice memos thing that comes with the iPhone. Yeah. But I found that it crashed a couple of times. Yeah. So it fucked me. And it's not good when you're listening to it and go over stuff. I use this one. It's way more dynamic.

Recorder? No. It's a pay dynamic. Recorder? No, it's a pay one. You have to pay for it. It's called VRP 7 Full. What the fuck? That is high tech. Does it make your joke sound funnier?

I looked for the one that got the best reviews. All the people that are serious fucking audiophiles love this one. They it's the most flexible has the most shit doing i record all mine through a 1200 sony walkman oh good move yeah it's really good high quality and such really high quality you're an audiophile yeah i'm a foodie i'm gonna kick people in the dick when they tell me they're a foodie. Me and my wife are foodies. What the fuck out of here? I hate that term.

You're a foodie, Joe. You always post the most sexiest steaks. I love food. He likes food. Who doesn't love food? You'll call it a foodie. I'm not a fucking foodie. It's the worst term ever.

It's like feedie pajamas. Well, it's people that are kind kind of schnabbish about right i always like or that's what they long for more than anything right that's a an element of life i'm not a wino either right but i like wine you know i'm an oxygen air yeah a wino we that's we need in this studio man we need some wine We don't have any wine in here, do we? Get a big wine rack. Do we have wine? It might be a little bit of Manischewitz. Ugh, manischewitz.

That's not even wine. What is that? That would be cool if you had a really nice wine rack on one of these walls. You know, we should get... It's warm in here, though. Yes. It is hot in here. That's what I was going to say.

What we should get is one of those wine cooler little refrigerator thingies and put some wine in there. I enjoy a little glass of wine while you're doing a podcast, like some podcasts. That's a good idea. Yeah. I like that idea. A little whiskey on ice. I thought it was going to be colder in here.

Why is that? I don't know. I was watching at home and I was trying to size up. I'm going to turn on the air because it is hot in here. Sometimes you come to places and it's cold. Well, you know what it is? We have a lot of electronic equipment running yeah you have all that shit over there the tricaster yeah i mean cool enough right it's not like 80 in here i mean it's like 75 or something it's like three degrees above perfect

this ain't nice people in New York are eating hail they're fucked man those people are fucked again it's hitting them again right now I know I was just in DC and man fuck all that

I know I can't go back I was booking shows and I was like what am I doing I don't want to go to Ohio right now, so I'm just West Coast right now. But I don't mind visiting, man. Yeah, coming in. Yeah. Visiting in the cold. I was in fucking Sweden in January, dude.

Wow. And it's cold as shit, but it was fun. It's fun because you don't have to stay. Yeah, you drop in, you have a good time, you get the fuck out of Dodge. Make a couple jokes about their weather. You dummies see ya i was talking to joey diaz last night he was just like i just got back from ohio the sun doesn't work there it was daylight the sun did nothing the sun does not work you understand me that's so true we're so spoiled man i know like uh me and the wife talked at one point in time

about living in Seattle. And it was like, we had a real discussion. We even looked at a house. There's a house that we really liked. But I'm like, you got to tell me that you can deal with this shit. Because I can deal with a lot of shit that you can't deal with. Yeah. You know, I don't know if you can deal with this.

Like, you got to be able to deal with clouds. All the time. Nothing but clouds. And fucking rain. I don't want to hear any crying. It breaks strong people. Oh, I want to go back to LA. Let's just sell the house.

You fucking crazy bitch. I'm just sad, and I don't know why. Oh, God. Take vitamin D. Get in a sunbed. Shut your hole. I don't know, man. Yeah, the last couple trips I've had up to Seattle, I just have hit beautiful weather.

It's been just sunny and great. The last three weekends I've been up there I'm in Portland a couple weeks. Yeah another right and I'm telling people I'm like, it's really great I mean, it just seems like said and they like get this dead look in their eyes and like it's not like this all the time Just quit from Portland because yeah, the weather he's like, fuck that. I'm the chief, I'm the CIO, and I still want to quit. Really? Because of the weather, he said that? Yeah.

Wow, that's like a big gig, man. That guy's making a lot of money. And that's not like your Tom Papa. Like, if you're a comic, like, if you're Tom Papa, there's only one Tom Papa. If someone's a Tom Papa fan, you've got to do it. Right. Like, you've got to do that job.

That's it. But if you're fucking the CEO of a company, like, guess what, fuckface? Right. There's a bunch of those dudes waiting for that gig. That's right. The guy that's running Foot Locker would be happy to come over and run Nike. You know? You ever go to the Nike store, the factory?

Yes. Well, I've been to the Nike, the celebrity center thing where they take you to the place and they give you the free sneakers that is the bane of my celebrity existence what is it the nike store i can't get into the nike store in l.a i don't go anymore i wanted to go since the beginning of my career i just heard about it you go and you get all this free stuff yeah i've done shows i've been in nike i just shot a nike commercial i cannot i can't it just something always falls apart and i can never go you know when i stopped when i felt guilty about wearing other sneakers i'm like this is bullshit like they're not even giving me money and i feel bad because i'm wearing adidas i'm like this is stupid so i just stopped going i'm like i not broke. I can afford a goddamn pair of sneakers.

Plus, I buy everything online. I love buying shit online. It comes to you. You don't have to go anywhere. I don't have to shop. That's more time out of my day that I don't have to dedicate. I love sitting at Amazon with my iPad at night and going, oh, I'm out of those eye drops. Bam.

We need more toothpaste. Bam. And you just, oh. I bought athletic tape today. I bought 12 rolls of athletic tape. That's great. I know. I just do all the heavy stuff like cat litter.

I'm not going to a store. Like cat litter, like two liters of pop. Anything that's heavy that I'm like, why am I carrying this? I'd rather waste gas. Yeah. Well, you know the pellet grills that we got from Green Mountain Grill? I just bought a fuckload of pellets. It's beautiful. You know what a pellet grill is?

No. Oh, it's glorious. There's a couple companies, Traeger, Yoder. Green Mountain Grill is the one we have. And what they are is they take these hardwood pellets. Now, if you say if you buy like this table is made out of oak and someone had a saw this table down and when you're sawing it it creates a lot of sawdust they take that sawdust and they compress it and the natural sugars just in compressing it make these things stick together and into pellets and you can take the pellets you kind of break them

in your hand they're not like it's not like a hard piece of wood but it is a hard wood right and so you take these pellets you pour them into this bucket and it's super efficient just like a small box you know like maybe two foot square of these pellets will last for fucking hours and hours of cooking really and it regulates the temperature perfectly and you can grill on it you it works as a smoker you can slow cook food on it and you can grill on it. It works as a smoker. You can slow cook food on it. And you have to load it each time you grill? No, it's loaded. It's just loaded? It's loaded for hours and hours of cooking.

And then when you want more, you just pour some more into the box. So you put a steak on. Super easy. You heat it up. Shut it off. And you shut it off. And then turn it back on again, and it fucking takes a couple minutes. It kicks on.

It heats up really quickly. Tastes delicious. I love cooking on it. They have an app now that you can just tell you what your temperature is. Yes. You do it from your phone. They also have a thing that you plug into the meat, like a meat thermometer, and it registers on the thing so you tell exactly what temperature your food is when it's done.

Awesome. Three Mountain Grills is the best. I love it. It's all gas at the Papa House. You use gas grills? That's not good. I have that also. That doesn't taste as good.

I generally, I like to grill on lump charcoal, but I like to slow cook things and smoke things on the Green Mountain Grill. What's really not good is the lid of my grill is the paint's been coming off. Oh my God. That's not good at all. The same thing just happened to me. You can't do that the paint's been oh my god coming off the same thing just happened to me you can't do that it's been coming off for a couple of years yeah me too you

can't eat all the black stuff would fall on your chicken and you don't know if it's just grind or you don't know if it's chicken i did that for like two years before green mountain grill sent me one you need to get a better grill let's get new grills. That's bullshit. You guys should get grills together. Yeah. But those, I have, you know what a big green egg is? No. That's like a ceramic grill. It's got like, it's really heavy and the ceramic, the fact that it's made out of ceramic, it keeps in the heat. And a lot of people like smoke things and cook things. I use it mostly to grill, but I don't have a big green egg.

I have a better one. It's called a Kamado. It's really beautiful. It's a big, beautiful Japanese I have a better one. It's called a kamado. It's really beautiful. It's a big, beautiful Japanese thing with blue tiles on it. But I use that for grilling. I grill steaks on it. But anything that I want to slow cook,

like the other day I did a roast on the Green Mountain Grill. Oh, lovely. That sounds good. Your photos always get me. Oh, lovely. I'm eating lean pocket. Yeah, I did my first moose roast the other day. Moose? Where'd you get the moose?

I shot that bitch. Where? Right in the fucking heart. Van Nuys? Right there. Yeah, Van Nuys. I got it in Studio City. It was talking shit about them.

At the Wits'n Driving Race? Talking shit about Mexicans. I would take it out. No, I shot it in Canada. You did? Yeah, yeah. I hear moose hunting is like the top of the hunting. Well, it's delicious meat, and you can get a moose, and it'll last you.

I mean, I have 400 pounds of moose meat in my freezer. Oh, my God. Yeah, give or take a couple of pounds. Isn't that his face right there? Oh, yeah. That's his head right there. For real? Yeah, that was the moose.

Holy cow. I forgot it was right there. Hi, fellow. He looks terrible. Hey, sweetie. What are you talking about? Yeah, he's really lean right. I forgot he was right there. Hi, fellow. He looks terrible. Hey, sweetie. Yeah, he's really lean right now. He looks awful.

Yeah. 400 pounds. Oh, so it was a 900-pound animal. And after you debone it and skin it and cut all the meat out, it's a lot of meat. And so that's like 400 meals. Is it really gamey? No, not at all. Moose isn't even remotely gamey.

No, moose is like a very unique flavor. It's like, and even deer, a good percentage of like deer, like what makes it gamey is the preparation. Oh, really? It's how people take care of the meat. Like glands are really important. You avoid like, they have these things called tarsal glands that like are down near their legs. And when they're in heat, which is most of the time when people hunt them what it's called the rut and it's like that's when hunting season is legal um in a lot of states if you get that stuff on the meat it'll it'll fuck with the taste of the meat yeah it gets strong yeah if it if it's um if it

decomposes or if you let it sit in the sun too long while you're gutting it, that's not good. The meat can go bad. If the organs get too hot while you're taking care of it. There's a bunch of different variables. Like the fat itself. You've got to trim the fat off of deer. Who's your guide through all this? There's a guy named Steve Rinella.

And he has a show called Meat Eater. It's on the Sportsman's Channel. He took me on he took me on my first hunt and then I started going hunting with a bunch of different people ever since then wow yeah it's like for the last two years would you get excited about Brian what happened um well I was looking up because uh fog rock uh has been the ban has been overturned here in Los Angeles and I was just looking to see what restaurants have it when my favorite restaurants they they announced that they carry it to animal this oh yeah sure there's a place right down the

street here right like in the next town over it's called brandywine it's fucking amazing it's on Ventura Boulevard they have the best foie gras it's amazing and people who don't like foie gras oh oh, you're an asshole. Why would you eat duck liver? Why would you eat duck? Okay? An asshole to eat duck liver. They're overfeeding those ducks. Is that worse than shooting them in the fucking face?

Because that's what's going to happen too. Cutting his head off. Cutting his head off and plucking all his feathers out. What's the humane way that they, I guess, now are doing? Is it just like a... There's a lot of debate about whether or not it's humane to create they i guess now are doing uh is it just like uh there's a lot of debate about whether or not it's humane to create fogwa and in all uh objectively speaking it is kind of fucked up that you take this duck and you stick his mouth into a tube and then you force feed

them and that's what makes their liver swell yeah however the reality is when you go to these fogwa places when they have these farms when it's time for the ducks to feed, they all get close to that feeder. They want that food. They probably don't want you to grab them roughly and stick their neck on it. But the best way to do it is to not force feed them. The best way to do it is to give them an abundance of food. But you're going to get a smaller liver than if you just pour it down their throat. I've never had it.

They just don't have the same, they don't have gag reflexes like we do. They don't, it's not like, I mean, I'm sure they don't like being grabbed and have their mouth stuck into a tube, but they also don't like being killed. No, there's no humane, there's no nice way to kill and eat meat.

Well, there's a humane way to treat them while they're alive, and that's where the debate lies. But when the animal rights people passed that legislation, you've got to realize the agenda of PETA and animal rights people, they don't even want you eating eggs. Do you know PETA on their website has eggs listed as a chicken's period? Do you really want to eat a chicken's period? Pull that up, Jamie.

Pull it up. Are you serious? Oh my God, it's so hilarious. Now listen, I'm telling you this from personal experience because I have chickens. I have 22 fucking chickens, okay? And I eat eggs from my chickens every day. They are delicious.

And it's not a chicken's period, okay? It's an unfertilized egg. Look at that. Would you eat a chicken's period, okay? It's an unfertilized egg. Look at that. Would you eat a chicken's period? Look how dumb you fuckheads are. Eggs come from chicken menstruation. Yeah, so look at that. So they have a frying pan with a bloody underwear in it.

That's disgusting. Why a bloody underwear? What kind of lazy bitch can't put a fucking tampon in? Do your chickens wear underwear? They all do. Every chicken does. You don't know this? Panty protectors?

They all wear maxi pads. It's so stupid. Have you ever cracked open an egg and found blood inside? It's like a scary Carrie moment. That's sure to make anybody gag. Clean up in aisle six. Who the fuck wrote this? What dunce?

Pull up the name of this fucking duller. That's bad writing. Do they have a name on this thing? Go all the way up. It doesn't say. Coward! You wrote a bad song, Petey. Clean up in aisle six.

Fuck you. Dumbass. It's like a Halloween prank gone wrong. My sister has chickens. But chicken periods are what you're eating every time you fry, scramble, or bake with eggs. You're getting delicious, cruelty-free protein. Right.

Okay? My chickens are completely free range. They wander around my yard. I eat their eggs. Nobody gets hurt. My fucking four-year-old picks the chickens up. Okay? These chickens are fine.

Yeah. No one's getting hurt. They're going to make eggs either way. There's nothing wrong with eating a girl's period anyway. This girl's just not having any fun at all. I mean, that's not gross. It's just blood. It's just blood.

My steak is dripping of blood. I don't even know that fucking bitch. You know? Exactly. Well, most of the steaks you eat are actually males, believe it or not. They're steers. They're a bull that they cut their balls off of. You going to eat 400 pounds of moose

eventually yeah yeah I give some away I've given some away I've given some to my friends actually run a restaurant I've given some

some moose to them told them to cook it tell me what it tastes like tell me you know like if they she's a chef yeah I'm like what kind of

preparations would you use she's like let me think about this and I go cook it tell me what you're gonna do yeah but I've done it a bunch of different ways I've grilled it like I said different ways. I've grilled it. Like I said, I marinated it and grilled it.

Then I marinated and made a roast the other day. That was kind of interesting. Wow. That was delicious. That's pretty good. Yeah, you like sear it on a frying pan, and then you cook it over like 400 degree temperature for about, it was like about a half an hour.

Oh, it's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Moose. Well, the good thing about it, California to appeal ruling overturning Fogwaband. Oh, they're going to. Oh.

Bullshit. You better get there quick. Fuck. Bullshit. You better make a reservation tonight. I am upset. What are they saying? You better make a reservation.

What are they saying? Scroll down a little. Scroll up. What is this dummy saying? They're not going to. California's attorney general on Wednesday filed notice that her office, TWAT, will appeal a federal judge's decision that overturned the state's two-year ban on the sales of foie gras, a delicacy made from fatty duck and geese liver.

California outlawed foie gras sales and production in 2004, but the ban didn't take place until 2012. Proponents of the ban say forced feeding of ducks and geese to enlarge their livers amount to animal cruelty. Critics of the ban say it infringes upon culinary freedom, effectively turning chefs into criminals. Silly. Silly, silly, silly. Freedom! What the fuck? This questionable ruling.

California has the right to prevent the commerce in such a cruel and inhumane product. Look, all meat products are cruel and inhumane. You're going to have to go through every fucking single Taco Bell and take out all their beef, all their pork, all their chicken, every Burger King, every McDonald's, every KFC. Every Burger King, every McDonald's, every KFC, that is all animals that are treated far more cruel than these expensive duck and geese. I mean, they treat those better. Large factory farms. All they're doing is feeding them a lot of grain. That's all they're doing. It's not like, you know, this idea that this is like a uniquely cruel thing.

And then if you ban this all the other things that you see are not as bad no all the other things you see are way worse yeah they cut chickens beaks off when they're babies so that they don't peck each other's eyeballs off because they're in such close quarters stuffed into these little cages that's all legal if they want to make something what they should do is have everything free-. Everything should be free range. Pork should be free range. Chicken should be free range.

Beef should be free range. You should have an allotted amount of land that you have to own for a certain amount of chickens, a certain amount of cows, a certain amount of beef. But then you're going to have problems with coyotes because I have coyotes. I've had two chickens get killed by coyotes and one by my dog. Really? Yeah, fucking man, man. They find a way to get to them. And if you have a big farm, you're going to have to have sheep dogs that run around

or some sort of dog that keeps the coyotes away. I mean, you're going to have to change agriculture. You're going to have to change livestock. And you couldn't do it at that level, that mass. That's the only way to stop animal cruelty when it comes to livestock. And if they don't do that, then they're hypocritical. silliness right this is only food right exactly only force feeding them in such a small scale compared to and it's delicious oh yeah we got paper if you take a shit that restroom tom papa get it go through that door and do your little business i just paper yeah yeah we got paper if you take a shit though warn us and keep the fan on

he's a funny guy yeah i never met him before until today i didn't know he was in uh so many movies he's been in a movie with uh matt damon before uh the i forget what the name of it was uh but he's been in a lot of TV shows and stuff like that. He had that show. Oh, yeah, that was a good movie. He had that show, The Wedding Counselor or The Marriage Counselor or something like that. Yeah. What was it called?

The Marriage Ref. Ref, yeah. Where he was like, that's a job you don't want. Trying to get people to fucking work their marriage out. Just fucking break up. Just try again. You're a new person now. Try it one more time.

That was the quickest tinkle ever. Are we doing blow in there, dude? Did you do blow in there? No, but I washed my hands and everything. Wow. That's incredible. How the fuck did you do that? Is it that fast?

Did you pee or shit? I peed. I'm not going to shit here. You can shit here. Yeah, I would never not going to shit here. You can shit here. Yeah, I would never. We all shit here. I would never. I don't think I've shit outside of my own house more than twice in my life.

Are you serious? Dude, I'll shit in the parking lot if I have to. I really don't. Really? It's very infrequent. Really? Yeah. That show, The Marriage Ref that you did.

Yes. Was that a nightmare, like talking to people about their relationship troubles? No. That part was okay. talking to the real people was fine it was trying to do a comedy show with celebrities that weren't uh funny staring into the eyes of donald trump or gloria stefan oh you're trying to get funny conversation going that was i could talk to regular people about their relationships all night and day what was the show kind of fun and interesting what was the bay i didn't i never saw it it was uh it was it was a good core idea of seinfeld's that when married couples get in fights these fights will last forever because you know you both you're not really giving in and solving the problem you know you both you're not really giving in

and solving the problem you just kind of you hunker down but if you have a friend it happened with him he him and his wife were in a fight and he had a friend over and he said jerry said to him will you please listen to both our sides and you tell us who's right and who's wrong and the friend listened to him and said you're right and she's wrong whatever and he thought this is a funny thing for a show for married couples that have these fights that last their whole marriage

have a marriage ref weigh in and say whether it's right or wrong and it's at it's core it's like a pretty good idea

but then there's so many moving it was like part reality then it was part talk show then you had three celebrities weighing in and giving their opinion on it.

And then it just became too many moving parts. The celebrities are a goofy idea. Yeah. Because especially a lot of celebrities will pretend they have an opinion that's different than they really have just in order to get good social brownie points or to sound like it's the right thing to say. Right, or just to make noise on tv just to be saying something and then it became a booking nightmare because it went through jerry's rolodex at first it was like all these really famous fun people that he knew like alec

baldwin and larry david and madonna and all these crazy people and then they that was it he. He wasn't going to just keep asking friends and stuff. And then the next year, it was like the level of guests went way down. And it was like, you know, you can't get those kind of – the network wanted Madonna every week. And, you know, you're getting some road comic or something like that. And that part became kind of wiggy. Yeah. If you're counting on celebrity guests. It's rough.

Like Celebrity Apprentice. How long can they do that? I mean, they're totally out of celebrities, right? Celebrity Apprentice? Oh, and I, yeah, on my way to the store the other night, I looked at the billboard on Laurel, and I don't know who any of those people are. Yeah.

I mean, they offered that shit to me when i was when we were rebooting fear factor and i was like what yeah no no no and then they're like yeah you got to live in new york for two months i go get the fuck and then i my i talked to my wife and i'm like might be fun to be in new york for a while i'm like no i just i can fucking just go to new york right i don't want to be on this stupid fucking show and have him say you're're fired. Fuck you. Is the money so good that that's why they get these people? They offer good money. It is good money. It was a good chunk of change.

Yeah. It was real money. I was kind of surprised. Right. It's been on forever. Yeah, for two months they were going to give you like a real fucking, a big slice. Right. A nice slice.

It's the only way. But it's, you know, it's still not worth it. It's not worth it. Because you're going to be stuck there. You're going to have to do that. But for people that are trying to really, like I know Penn Jillette, he found that when he did it, all these people, they got more people to the show at the Rio. Really?

Because they have a weekly show. They're there every week. Penn and Teller are at the Rio in Vegas every week, every week. And he kind of has to do things outside of that in order to alert people that he's there and he said it was very effective for that yeah I guess I guess it's just a personal thing like I couldn't sit and look at Donald Trump and yeah you're fired I just you know you're fired Jetson that big face yeah it's just like yeah I couldn't but the marriage was it was it was okay it was just chaos it was like a crazy producer and it's crazy producer

those are great producers are great aren't they not so stupid ideas that you have to listen to it was crazy it was supposed to be like this nice little quiet show Jerry just wanted this little cut was supposed to be like this nice little quiet show. Jerry just wanted to do this little, it was going to be like a Sunday night show and just kind of like slowly bring it out and just for married people. That's all it was. Right.

And then Leno's primetime tanked and they called Jerry and they were like, we want you to save Thursday nights. We're going to put it on Thursday at 10. Seinfeld returns to Thursday nights. And I don't know if you remember watching the Olympics that year. They were every, they were just kept pumping it and pumping it. The greatest show, Jerry's back, the biggest comedy show, every break of the Olympics to the point where when they had the final ceremonies for the olympics they cut it off

someone was in like mid singing made this canadian song and they were like boop the marriage and people were like uh uh this is not what you told us this is not the best comedy thing of all time and they really came after it too much hype way too much way we didn't even know what we were doing yet we didn't know what it was yet yeah you got to let those things grow right yeah and they're like it's like we were talking about with jokes you're getting the first draft on nbc pumped up by the olympics totally it was so annoying like i would watch the olympics and be like all right, I can't watch enough of these promos. I don't want it.

I can't. Letterman did a thing, one of his top tens. Remember, that was the year, like, someone went off in a, not the toboggan, like a luge or something, went flying off the side or something. And it was like the top ten things that he thought right before he crashed or something. And one was, no more marriage promos or something like that.

But didn't someone die? Yeah, I don't think it was the dead guy yeah he wouldn't have done a top 10 off the dead guy he might have maybe depends on where his life was at that moment yeah good point but it was uh you know you just kind of get swept into those things and just it was fun to have a show for a couple of years do you want to do something else now? What are you doing now? Yeah, for sure. For sure. I'm acting on The Nick. I have a couple episodes coming again.

What's The Nick? The Nick is Soderbergh's new show with Clive Owen. It's about a hospital in New York in like 1910. And it's really good. Clive Owen's amazing. Is it a comedy or is it a drama? No, it's a drama. Oh. And Clive Owen's amazing. It's great comedy or is it a drama? No, it's a drama. Oh.

And Clive Owen's amazing. It's great. It's really, really well done. This is it? Oh, whoa. Yeah, it's so good. Modern medicine had to start somewhere. And Soderbergh does it.

You know, I do a lot of stuff with Soderbergh. That looks to me like that scene in that movie The Wolfman, the most recent one with what the fuck is his name? What's it? Benicio Del Toro. Yeah. Benicio Del Toro was The Wolfman. Oh, yeah.

And they did an experiment on him, and he fucking turned into The Wolfman in the middle of the – that's like one of them old-school-y auditorium type – Yeah, operating room. Yeah, where they would – medical school where they do operations oh it's so like and he's like addicted to cocaine and at the end of the first season nice

they treat him for cocaine madness because it's all legal back then they treat him for cocaine madness they give him heroin this is on Cinemax? Cinemax yeah I didn't even know Cinemax still existed I know

this is like this is like the only real good show I'm not trying to be rude. No, it goes from this to like softball porn. They've kind of been quiet, right? Yeah. But I only did a couple episodes

and I have another couple coming up in the next season. But it's a cool thing to be on. Cinemax is alive and kicking. Man, this is a good show. Well, look, Showtime was dead in the fucking water until shit like Dexter.

Yeah. And now they have one of my favorite shows ever. The fucking... The show about thexter. Yeah. And now they have one of my favorite shows ever, the fucking show about the CIA. Homeland. Homeland. Love that show. Right, exactly.

It's a fucking great show. Yeah, I know it's good stuff. Why not Cinemax? I mean, this is all they need to do. What, is he cutting open a pig? What the fuck is he doing? He was practicing. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. There's like some really hard... Is it aired already? Yeah, the first season aired, yeah. Oh, the first season's already aired. First it? There's like some really hard. Is it aired already? Yeah, the first season aired, yeah. Oh, the first season's already aired. First season aired. There's 10 of them. Wow, there's so many channels now.

It's so crazy. It's amazing. But all you have to do, like, A&E, okay? Right. Or like, what is even worse? What is the fucking Walking Dead on? AMC. AMC.

AMC. What the fuck is that? Right. Who the hell ever watched AMC before The Walking Dead was on? And Mad Men. Mad Men's on there, too. And Breaking Bad, too, right?

Yeah. I mean, out of nowhere, all you have to do is just put out amazing shows and people will flock to your stupid network. It's crazy. You can do it on Netflix

or Amazon. Oh, yeah. And Netflix. The House of Cards is giant. I'm writing for a show on Amazon now. Really? Yeah.

What is it? It's called Red Oaks. It's about, you'd like it, it's about, it's coming of age. Red Oaks is a country club in northern New Jersey, and it's about a young kid working at the country club, and he's getting laid. It's kind of like Caddyshack, kind of a feel to it. It's a little heart.

Yeah, comedy. And my friend created it and has it going. So I'm going to write a couple episodes of it. That's incredible. Yeah. Well, I know Netflix is doing a lot of original stuff. Yeah. Netflix has, Bill Burr has his new animated show that's going to come out.

They're jealous. They wrote it already. Well, you could make something, man. Don't be jealous. They wrote it already. Well, you could make something, man. Don't be jealous. Make something. They wrote it, and then it's going to be like a year until it's on the air.

Right. Because they have to animate the shit out of it, and it takes a long fucking time. Oh, man. I did an animated thing. You got to get those kids in the sweatshop to do it. That's what happens. Yeah.

No, it's true. They send it overseas to Korea. To Korea. That's what we did. Me and Rob Zombie did an animated feature called Super Bisto. Dude, you were hanging out with Rob Zombie? Korea. That's what we did. Me and Rob Zombie did an animated feature called Super Bisto. Dude, you were hanging out with Rob Zombie? Yeah.

What's that like? He's a good guy. Is he? Really good guy. Hard worker. Real creative. Makes fucking horror movies now. How weird is that?

They're good. Really good. That guy works, gets up early, and just goes. Really? Goes. Talking about make something, he's just like one of those guys like no we're doing this and you're gonna do it wow and when we did this uh animate it took us like five years literally wow from doing it and animating and recutting it all i

mean it just went on forever five fucking years yeah it took forever how many horror movies is that guy directed now? Quite a few. Four or five. He did two Halloweens, House of a Thousand Corpses. The other one, Devil's Rejects. Yeah, Devil's Rejects was crazy. Then he just did Salem, The Lords of Salem. So it's like five right there.

Yeah, he makes some fucked up horror movies too. He does. They get dark. Dark and violent. Really dark. Dark and violent. Really dark. Splatter films. And then you're just like, he's a, he's a,

you know, then you just hang out with him and his wife and my kids and. Totally normal. That's so strange. He directed both my standup specials.

Did he really? Yeah. Rob Zombie directed your standup specials. That's cat ass. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty fucking dope. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

That's pretty dope. The last one we just were like, you know, people are giving us money. Let's, let's make it, let's, let dope yeah it was pretty cool that's pretty dope the last one we just were like you know people are giving us money let's make it let's use it let's make it like show business like we made it

we blew the whole thing out it's just crazy you know status vessels are really just about the jokes but we just made it like it looks like a game show it was called Freaked Out

oh wow that's on Netflix yeah and it looks like literally like it's all bright and I had this like white mic and it's like,

yeah, we just wanted to make them like films, like be creative with it. Netflix is amazing now. I did my first special on Netflix in 2005. Oh, yeah? Yeah, that was my first

video special, really. Wow. Yeah, and that was the beginning of like the whole internet. Right. Nobody really had the kind of broadband to get shit instantaneously back then.

A lot of people still had dial-up in 2005. Or they had really shitty cable or something like that. But now Netflix has something like 70 million customers. Yeah, it's big. So think about that. 70 million people spending $7 a month. That's why they're making shows, because they have so much cash.

That's fucking insane money. Think about that every month. Yeah. They have a lot of cash. That's a lot of cash. They're like, why don't we make some shows? How much can that be? A million an episode?

Not a big deal. But they have to have deals, though, too, with cable providers and shit. Remember they were throttling down their cable? Netflix takes on $400 million in new debt to fund original content and European expansion. Wow. They'll make it back.

Oh, yeah. In a month. Oh, for sure. They'll make that shit back in a month. I have a great idea for a Netflix special or movie. Don't say it. Someone will steal that shit. You can month. I have a great idea for a Netflix special or movie. Don't say it. Someone will steal that shit. You can't say I have a great idea.

Well, it's not like I'm ever going to do it. Why do you say it? Well, don't give it away, man. Then someone else will do it. Let's talk. Just tell us when the mics are off. Shut this motherfucker down and we'll write some notes. You have a lot of great ideas, dude.

You're just lazy. This is a funny idea. I'm not really going to do this, but here's my idea. Don't tell anybody, man. Jesus. What are you, crazy? It's so stupid. Okay, go ahead.

Okay, so most people have got rid of their cable, right? No, that's not true at all. There's a lot of new, every year there's more and more people that are getting rid of their cable. A lot of my friends don't have cable. Young people don't buy cable. Yeah, yeah. One of the biggest things though is i'm somebody that likes to watch tv when i go to bed i like to have the tv on when

i'm sleeping with netflix every time you're you watch something it says like this window pops up after the show it's like are you still watching and then just turns off then halfway through you have to like wake up turn on the tv again or hit play i just want to make a a video or a movie that's like 12 hours long so you know for people that just want to make a video or a movie that's like 12 hours long for people that just want to sleep and have their TV on. The good news is no one's going to steal that.

The bad news is that's a good idea to you. Do you watch TV when you go to bed? No, I shut off and go to bed like a normal fucking human. What's wrong with you, Brian? You know a lot of people that do that, right? You need I go to bed like a normal fucking human. I don't have a TV in the bedroom. What's wrong with you, Brian? But you know a lot of people that do that, right? You need to go to a doctor.

You need to get your brain examined. There's something wrong there. You know there's something wrong there. You probably got a mouse-sized tumor. You live alone? Huh? You live alone? Yeah.

I mean, I think there's a lot of people that watch TV with, like, have to have the TV on when they sleep. And they want a 12-hour Netflix show to download and waste bandwidth. What a great idea. While they're sleeping, not watching it. You should pitch that. You should set up a meeting. Watch them stare at you. Don't they have a thing on Netflix

where it just goes to the next episode? After a while, it has this window that pops up. It's like, are you still watching? Because it doesn't want you to do that. It doesn't want you to waste bandwidth. So maybe have a really small, low-res video that's just like you to do that. It doesn't want you to waste bandwidth. So maybe have a really small, low-res video that's just like an old movie soundtrack. No.

They're not going to do that. Here's some shit to watch while you're falling asleep. And then they'll watch it while they're halfway awake and it's you in your underwear playing with your feet and they'll be like, what is this? Shut this off. It's the biggest hit for people who are asleep. No one.

I mean, I tell you, no one thinks that's a good idea with you. No one? I'm going to say no one. No one at all. I'll show you guys. No one at all. It'll be the number one watched movie on Netflix just for people that want to go to sleep or something. No, it will be the number one watched for idiots.

People with head wounds. People that are missing something. Dead people. Yeah. Serious nutritional deficiencies. People that are missing something. Dead people. Yeah. Serious nutritional deficiencies. They can't see straight. They don't know how to work a remote. They can't find their glasses.

It streams in morgues all around the country. That idea sucks, bro. Hey, we have to plug Ari's show. Yes. Yes. This is not happening. It's on Thursday nights at 1230. And you are on this Thursday?

I don't know. Yeah, maybe. I think so. We Thursday nights at 1230, and you are on this Thursday? I don't know. Yeah, maybe. I think so. We're here this week. I believe you're on this Thursday. Is that correct? If not, I'm on one of the Thursdays, so you just better keep watching. What did you talk about?

Can you give us a preview without giving away the story? Yeah. What was the episode about? I don't know. There's a theme? I don't know. You don't know. I know my story, though.

Okay. don't know there's a theme i don't know i don't know i know my story though okay it was about um when i was in high school how i would uh i would sneak out of my house to go to my girlfriend's house i would come in for curfew and then sneak out and uh i had this whole system and i would sneak out and then push my car into the woods and then yeah push your car into the woods and then start out and then park it in the woods by her house oh so you would drive it out to her house and then push it into the woods so no one could hear it not in the woods i went hiding like the bushes right it was all about saying good night to my family and then going out and get going out and yeah it's a it's a funnier story than the preview but ari has a great show is the point and it's on after at midnight ari was on conan last night killed it oh yeah yeah

killed it that's did you stand up yeah nobody gives a shit about conan on cvs though or tvs or whatever the fuck i know but it's such a good place to go do stand up it's such the audiences are great they do a good show it It's just weird. It's just... Because no one's watching. It's just... Right. What are the numbers? It's better than George Lopez.

Like 800,000. George Lopez's show was on after it, right? Didn't they do that? Yeah, back in the day. They used to do Conan first and George Lopez after. I think it's below a million.

Yeah, they tried to do that thing. That late night thing on TBS. They tried to do it, but it's like people are addicted to that NBC, CBS sort of back and forth. Do you know what TBS is on your TV? No, I don't either. I never see it. I could not tell you what the number is. It's like sitcom reruns.

I mean, that's what I think of when I think of TBS. I mean, I guess they have their own shows, too. Is Cougar Town? Yeah, TBS shows too. Is Cougar Town TBS? Yeah, but that was an ABC show. It was? Cougar Town was? The problem is whenever, I like baseball, whenever there's the playoffs, I always

go on TBS. I'm like, where is it? You know, you gotta look it up and find it, and you're not doing that every night. There's so many fucking channels now it's amazing and with things like netflix essentially what netflix is is a is like a production company that's like a bridge to the internet right and the internet is where it's at it's like that is the future for all this stuff yeah all of it yeah the only problem with netflix is though this is a problem you can't download it and keep it on your computer like you can't watch a netflix movie on a plane i know that's stupid

that is a bummer because they don't want you stealing and then taking it pirating it you can only stream it why not do it like on when you rent a movie on on uh itunes like you get once you play it it terminates in 24 hours why Why do they do that, Netflix? Well, they should, but I think when you download something on iTunes, you don't have a physical copy that you could copy and play. It only appears in the app.

It's not like in a file somewhere where you could find it. It comes up on your iPad. Do that, Netflix. Yeah, they should do that, because that's annoying that you can't get something and watch it on a planead yeah do that netflix yeah they should do that because that's annoying that you can't get something and watch it on a plane i think that's whack it is whack that's when you go back into piracy david don't do it brian they're gonna arrest people didn't they put those pirate bay guys and they just there's some new ruling got passed on the pirate

bay guys they're oh yeah yeah they just actually re-released Pirate Bay today, I believe. I don't know what Pirate Bay is. A new version of Pirate Bay. Pirate Bay is a site that allows you to find and access BitTorrent files pretty easily. So, like, if Tom Papa

is selling his special online, like if he did a Louis C.K. $5 thing, they would just BitTorrent the shit out of it. Somebody would buy it for $5, throw it up on BitTorrent, and then a bunch of people would download it for free. Like movies, a lot of movies. Like the Sony hack, they released a lot of movies. Really? Some movies that aren't even done yet.

They got files and just fucking threw them online. Oh, man. That's awful. I use it for legal books and just fucking threw them online oh man that's awful i use it for legal books and pdfs i mean there's legal reasons for pirate bay also yeah no you could definitely get some stuff that's legal like if you wanted to share things like say if you had a book and you decided you were going to release it for free as a pdf with a lot of people do you could just upload it and then uh people can get it anytime they want and that's like one of the arguments about what file sharing actually is like everyone says it's just piracy

and you know like guys like uh you know um kim.com that dude from he lives in new zealand i mean that they they're fucking that guy hard they took all of his money he's going bankrupt right they i mean it's it's incredible and it's because he created a mega upload and mega upload was a place where a lot of people downloaded you know quote unquote stolen or illegal files was it stolen i don't know it's all tricky why do you want your book to be read by all these criminals what do you show us alert stay away from the pirate bay website as we've gotten reports it has been seized indirectly by the FBI and is logging IPs.

Oh. Mr. PDF. That's why I legally use it only for PDFs. You're going back to the Pirate Bay. The Pirate Bay is an FBI honeypot.

A disconcertingly plausible conspiracy theory. Yeah, that's totally plausible. And it's from Motherboard.com. You honeydicking me? Motherboard.vice.com, rather. Back to the big house with you. Yeah. Honey's totally plausible. It's from motherboard.com. You honey dicking me? Motherboard.vice.com, rather. Back to the big house with you. Yeah, honey hole in you.

Listen, I got to get the fuck out of here, so let's wrap this bitch up tight. This was great. Tom Papa on Twitter, T-O-M-P-A-P-P or P-A? P-A-P-A. Papa. Yeah, there's no Papa. It's like da-da. It's Italian. there's no Papa. It's like da-da. It's Italian.

It's not Greek. It's not Pappas. Oh, it would be two P's if it was Greek? Yeah, P-A-P-P-A. P-A-P-P-A-S. One P. Papa. T-O-M-P-A-P-A.

Tom Papa. And he will be on very soon on This Is Not Happening. Did we get confirmation? Is it this week? It's probably this week. I believe it's this week. I believe it's this week. I believe it's this week, too. And I'm touring all over the place.

Go to TomPapa.com for my dates. All over this motherfucker. Touring all over this motherfucker. I'm coming to you, Florida. You can see him on The Nick, on Cinemax. What else? Anything else people need to know? I'm going to be in...

So you're going to be in Florida? Where are you going to be? I'll be in Irvine, Nick, for Valentine's weekend. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, shit, bitches. Making the lovers laugh. In Florida?

You said you're going to be in Florida? Yeah, I'm touring. Yeah, I'm all over the place. Good googly moogly. TomPapa.com. Brian, you got anything going on? I have a new t-shirt for pre-order. ShopSquad.tv and then Ice House Thursday and Friday and Comedy Store Thursday.

You make your own shirts? Boom, shlock, lock, boom. Nice. All right now. All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it for the week. We'll be back next week. I got a lot of good guests next week. Brian Cox, the astrophysicist, is going to be on next week.

A lot of other people, too. I don't want to tell you, but I got some shit going down. Oh, Josh McDermott from The Walking Dead is going to be on next week, too. Oh, that's a good one. Billy Corbin, the director of Cocaine Cowboys 1 and 2. He's got a new piece that he's working on. He'll be here next week, too. All right.

Until then, go fuck yourself. All right. Put it up your fucking thing there. We love you. We love you. We love you. Come on. We're just kidding.

See you soon. We love you. We love you. We love you. Come on. We're just kidding. See you soon. Bye. Bravo.