The Joe Rogan Experience - #613 - Ms. Pat

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

Ms. Pat is a stand-up comedienne, and will have a story featured on an upcoming episode of "This Is Not Happening" on Comedy Central airing Thursday night at 12:30am.

the joe rogan experience fresh off of ari shafir's comedy central show this is not happening it's miss pat again welcome back thank you for having me back. Thanks for coming back again. And I'm sorry to hear that a bunch of people were fucking with you online the last time that you were on here. A bunch of people have contacted you. You made the crucial mistake of paying attention now. You can't pay attention to those people.

Well, you know, I used to fight back in the day. So if you say something about me, I'm like, well, meet me at the gay coffee shop so I can whoop your ass. The gay coffee shop? Yeah. What's the gay coffee shop? Starbucks. Why is Starbucks the gay coffee shop? Because usually all the white dudes got on Dockers and shit.

Dockers are gay? I don't date guys in Dockers, do you? Well, I don't date guys. But if I did, I probably wouldn't have a problem with Dockers. Well, I'm used to jeans. You know, did, I probably wouldn't have a problem with dockers. Well, I'm used to jeans. You know, bag of jeans. I'm black, okay? Okay.

What are dockers exactly? Like a type of pants? Yeah. I was thinking of my shoes. What they keep? No. I think of them as like boat shoes. They ain't dockers or pants.

Yeah, they keep the big wallet in their back pocket. Okay. And that's not good? I don't know. I mean, I'm just saying. I don't date those types of guys. Do you date types of dudes who, like, have their's not good? I don't know. I mean, I'm just saying. I don't date those types of guys. Do you date types of dudes who, like, have their pants sagging? No, I've been married for 23 years.

No. But, I mean, if you did. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You wouldn't do that? Is that gay, too? Yeah, that's gay, too. And raggedy looking. And very inappropriate.

I mean, if something break out, you can't run, right? Exactly. Yeah. That's a confusing thing to me that that pants sagging thing has lasted so long. I'm so confused about that. No, what's confusing to me is that the young girls think it's cute. Do they think it's cute? Yes.

You know, my niece live with me and she love them. They got to have their pants sagging. Really? The farther down, the cuter they look. Really? Yes. They get excited by that? My knees do. To me that represents you don't have a job and you stupid

and you look crazy. And you's an asshole. I got a son and he's 28 and I was like, don't fucking let your pants sag, son. You know, you can barely get by now. Pull your fucking pants up. But he's not bad with it.

He's not bad with it. He's like medium. Yeah, well, he's kind of fat, so he ain't got no ass. So his pants just kind of sag on their own. He ain't trying to be cool. That's how Joey Diaz is. Joey Diaz's pants are always falling down. So much so, at one point in time, he started wearing suspenders.

Yeah, so sometime I think my son might need them. Joey, I didn't say that shit. He did. He did. He was wearing fucking suspenders. Look what I got, dog. I think my son might need one. Joey, I didn't say that shit. He did. He did. He was wearing fucking suspenders. Look what I got, dog. I'm done. I'm done with this fucking pants falling out bullshit.

So he started wearing, but he didn't last. He didn't last with suspenders. Exactly. He didn't want to accept the fact that he was a dude that wore suspenders. You know, that's a very particular type of dude that wears suspenders. Yeah, old guys who golf. Who golf? Yes. You got a bunch of categories

gay coffee shop it's because there's white dudes and dockers old guys who golf that's who wear suspenders yes unemployed black men make that the best sex and they yeah you said they have the most delicious dick i didn't say delicious that's, you're delicious. That is what you said. That's exactly what you said. There's a difference between when a person is employed and unemployed, how good their sex is. Really? I think so. I really do.

I think a person who has a nine to five don't have time to really throw you against the wall at night because he got to go to work in the morning versus a dude who don't do shit during the day who can watch jerry springer with you and y'all can just practice on getting better and better and better so dudes who work too much don't have the energy to fuck correctly i think so don't you think so about a woman who fuck a lot don't well yeah i would imagine that women that work all day are exhausted but i think anybody works all day is fine exactly that's why i say unemployed dick is the best dick you got a point i think i guess i know what i'm talking about because i've had both i've had both it does make sense well you can only put so much time into one thing you know like without you know if you want to have another side thing that you do, I mean, that's what sex really is.

If you really stop and look at it, I mean, it's something else. It's an activity, right? You can't really get good at that activity unless you work 12 hours a day. Yes. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Like it's like being a comedian with a job.

You're never going to succeed until you quit your job. It's true. Yeah. Like everything else. Fighters have that same issue. Athletes of all sports. You know, if you try to work a day job and then do something else at night, it's much more difficult to do. It is.

You don't have all of the energy that you really need to put into it. Into slinging that good deck. You need to take a long nap and eat at a leisurely pace. Yes. Relax and then think about how you're going to sling it. Yeah, I don't have the dick. I'm just saying from experiences, I know. I would imagine.

But if you have met an unemployed dude and you're like, oh, he's unemployed, but he's slinging some good dick, but he's wearing Dockers, that's it? It's over? It's a deal breaker? It might be a deal breaker, Joe. It might be a deal breaker. Because I don't know too many brothers that walk around in dockers. Dudes don't give a fuck what girls wear. Girls can wear flip flops.

You can wear dockers. If you're hot, you're hot. A girl with big tits and dockers, you're like, yeah, all right, whatever. Who cares? And especially once you married and been with somebody for a long time, they really don't care. Then they really don't care. I think as the, we don't, I've been married with 20 some years and I don't care. My underwear hasn't matched since middle school.

You mean your underwear hasn't matched your bra? Match. Yeah. Bra. Bottom. Guys don't give a fuck about that. I mean, do you really care if, you know, if a woman come to bed with matching underwear? Some women really get into that.

I'm like, I don't give a fuck. If the panties got a seat, I'm cool. I keep my shit till the seat fall out. If a dude cares about that, there's probably some other issues going on. For guys like that specific. You think so? He wants to wear them? Yeah.

Oh, he's one of those guys. I don't know. I've never had a dude that would have on my panties usually i'm bigger than my means so they can't wear my panties if they put on my panties it's gonna be like a jumpsuit what would you do if you came home and a dude was trying on your panties if you came home like if you came home early and a dude had your shoes on and your pants and he was putting your panties on and i will probably slap the shit out of him what if he's like miss pat like you gotta understand like it's not that i'm not a man

yeah it's like oh i'll beat the shit out of him but what if he's like miss pat it's not that i'm not a man it's just this excites me no no i'm excited by you no motherfucker not with my pants get your nasty dick out my panties i kill I kill you. What if he orders his own? We say, okay, okay, okay, okay. But are you cool with me ordering my own? I'm going to order a pair that fits me. No, that's like dating a dude with long hair. You ever seen a dude who hair is better than his girlfriend?

That's some bullshit. I'm not dating a guy with better hair than me. I'm not doing that. You're not putting no fucking ball dust in my panties. But what if he gets his own panties? He gets his own. Don't you think a dude

who want women panties are gay? I try to be open-minded. I try to be open-minded, too. Shit, I am open-minded. Get your ass out of here. There's a lot of men who even have, like,

go through sex changes that still like women they become lesbians i heard that my daughter said you know my daughter is gay right so a lot of her girlfriends are getting they uh uh we're not girlfriends a lot of her gay gay colleagues i don't know what she called them colleagues i don't know i don't fucking know what she called them the ones they hang out with they're getting their breasts cut off, right? Whoa. And some of them getting their vagina, their clitoris or clitoris,

you know, the little shit down there, the man in the boat. Yes. Stretch longer so it can be a penis. And my daughter just tell me this shit because I be nosy. I was like, why is your friend getting their titties cut off? So she tell me how they trying to form them a penis. But I'm like, isn't it little? So what's the purpose of closing i mean doing it to your vagina or making your thing longer when you still got to use a dildo i guess i don't give a fuck who you are you don't

want no small penis i agree yes yeah well i know that your your dick or your clit rather becomes larger if they take testosterone. Like when you give a woman testosterone like this, that's always that thing that men freak out. They date a female bodybuilder. They have a clit like a thumb. Yeah, I don't know. It's not like a dick, but it's like a thumb. You know what I'm saying? Is it hard? I think it gets pretty hard. I don't know never I can't really say I've never really been down there

But I've seen pictures online and it looks like a tiny dick like a thumb sized dick What would you do if you bought the touch somebody down there and they should feel like a tiny? That I would ask them if you're gonna tell me about that? I would ask them, are you going to tell me about that? Like, what's going on down there? So you'd be that calm? You wouldn't jump up and say, hey, is that a penis or something I need to look out for? I would be upset if it was a guy that was dressing up like a woman and didn't let me know. I'd be upset. That's rude.

That's rude? That's rude. That's beyond rude. You go there and eat the vagina and that thing slip in your mouth well if it but it depends is it an oversized clit or is it a dick like if it's a dick like if you got a y chromosome if you're a dude and you're trying to pretend that you're a woman and you're not letting anybody know that you're actually dude that's rude that's rude but if you're a woman and you just have a weird clit, like some people have weird fingers, you know?

Yeah. Some people have long noses. Some people have crazy long noses, right? Somebody's got to have a long clit. I don't know. My clit is, I don't know about my clit. I haven't seen it. Your clit.

Your clit. Whatever's down there. I don't really fucking know. Yeah, I was on this TV show once, and I had this friend who I was working with, and her boyfriend at the time, before she met him, had this issue. What are you doing? I told you, put that fucking thing down. You're messing around with your goddamn phone.

Oh, that's all right. I told you. You can't flip that picture. Tell me about your friend. She was telling me that her boyfriend had went on a date with this lady. They got home. They started fooling around. He took her pants off and she had a clit like a pinky and he freaked the fuck out.

That's pretty long. He came up with some story. He said, oh my God, I realized I have to pick my brother up at the airport. Just ran out the door. Can you imagine a clit like a pinky? A clit. That bitch, when she pulled off her panties,

it just fell on the bed. Like a soft penis. Penis. I guess, allegedly. I mean, I don't, you know, that's what he said, that it was like a pinky. But, like, who's pinky? You know what I'm saying? Like, everybody's pinky.

Like, is it like Shaquille O'Neal's pinky? Oh, that's cute. That's a dick. That's not a pinky. Or is it like Lil' Lester's pinky? You know, it's like everybody's got a different size pinky, so. Oh, yeah. The little guy from, what's the little movie named? The little midget dude would be holding up a pinky. Or is it like Little Esther's pinky? You know, it's like everybody's got a different size pinky. Oh, yeah. The little guy from, what's the little movie named?

The little midget dude would be holding up his pinky. Oh, yeah. Mini-me. Mini-me. Now, you can deal with that clique. That's pretty small. That's normal. Maybe.

That's pretty small. It depends. Because who really know the size they're supposed to be? Like you said they come in all shapes and size like but what if you're sucking on it and it comes i don't suck them but we can call my daughter on three way and she tells me she seems to love them oh boy do you guys talk about that you know my daughter is you know she don't look gay she's the girl in the relationship but sometimes she

you she forget that everybody ain't gay around her so like i bought her a cell phone because she broke her phone so she called me and you know i'm very open-minded with my kids because i had them at 14 and 15 so you know i grew up they respect me i'm mama but you know you know we kind of open-minded she called me like oh thank thank you for the phone, mama. I could eat you. I was like, bitch, I'm your mama. Don't say that. Oh, my goodness. I could eat you. But it was like in a joking form, you know.

Yeah, I guess. Because I might call and say, hey, can you get the vagina out your mouth? I need to talk to you. Because we open minded like that. I mean, I don't want to see her do it. I try to block it out, you know, because my daughter looks so much like me, and I be like, oh, can you please

stop kissing these chicks with my face? I don't want to imagine what she's doing with my face, but I can guarantee you my face been on a lot of crunchy vaginas. Crunchy? Why crunchy? Because black hair is crunchy down there. Oh, I understand. You never slept with a black woman? Yes.

So you know it's crunchy. You remember you did the joke about the lotion? No, that wasn't you. What lotion joke? That wasn't you. Okay. I'm fucking up. We're all white dudes.

We all look the same. No, you don't. That Bill Burr joke? Bill Burr had a joke about lotion? Dating a black girl as you put no cocoa butter i damn near pissed myself especially like when we get ready to have sex because cocoa butter make us our skin so soft so you get the you put the butter the cocoa butter all over you it makes you extra soft so when you're rubbing on you just and it really works for fat girls because you

know we got dimples in our ass so it make you kind of go over the humps in your ass that's a fat bitch secret you didn't know that i didn't know that i never got drunk and woke up next to a drunk a fat chick not all the cocoa buttered up oh that's right she was the wrong color she got to be black to be cocoa buttered up only black girls use cocoa butter white girls don't use i don't have white girlfriends so i don't know do your girls use cocoa butter black people love cocoa butter? White girls don't use cocoa butter? I don't have white girlfriends, so I don't know. Do your girls use cocoa butter? Black people love cocoa butter. What is it? What about cocoa butter?

How did that get a foothold in the black market? I have no idea. I don't know. We got to talk to my ancestors. But it's good for removing scars. It is? That's what they say. They say when you get pregnant, you're supposed to rub it on your stomach.

But I've had four kids, and my stomach's still fucked up. So I don't stand by that product. Yeah, I've heard that before. I did hear that before, that, like, cocoa butter for pregnant women reduces the risk of stretch marks, right? Yes. Yeah, it doesn't work? No, it didn't work for me. See, I talked to a doctor about that, and he said it's all bullshit.

He said it's completely genetic. He said some people, they just stretch out and snap back like a rubber band and nothing happened. And other people, they can gain like a girl. I dated a girl who gained like 10 pounds, not much. And she had these bear claw marks on her ass. It was crazy. It's like she got attacked. But it was insane.

It didn't even make any sense. Like, how did your ass get so fucked up from 10 pounds? My niece is probably 120 pounds, and she had two kids. So her stomach got really big, but it went completely flat after the baby. But her stomach's so fucking wrinkled, and she can't afford no tummy tuck. So she went out and put this gigantic tattoo of a tiger. And where the scratch mark's at, she just got the tiger scratching herself. I said, bitch, that is a ghetto stomach lift right there.

Because you have to really get close to know that her stomach is wrinkled. Because whoever did the tattoo hooked it up. That's hilarious. Yes. Brian Redband shows up. Hey, how's it going? Hey, fella. I brought you some nuts. Brian Redband shows up. Hey, how's it going? Hey, fella.

I brought you some nuts. I don't want nuts. This guy, a comedian, makes these really good nuts. It's kind of like Nature Box. That's like the next Sriracha of cashews right there. And I was like, dude, you need to sell these. You can make a lot of money. There ain't no drugs in them, is there?

No, there's no drugs, but they're good. Not great for podcasts. Never know. Don't eat them on the phone, right? You'll come through the microphone. Oh, that's right. So do they're good. I might be on parole. Never, no. Don't eat them on the phone. Come through the microphone. Oh, that's right. So do you have a picture of this tattoo?

No, I don't have a picture. God, you got to get a picture of that. Yeah, but I was like, why would you do that? Why would you put that gigantic? Because she's only like 100 and something pounds. And she wear like tank top and it's a big ass tiger. But whoever did it really hooked it up. Because everywhere the scratch marks at which her stomach is fucked up,

the tiger just scratching the shit out of know her still yeah I talk to my niece every day we call it text her tell me send a picture I need to see a picture of that okay we need a picture of that let me take her next and send me a picture of her tattoo yeah that sounds hilarious which she's 120 pounds she had uh, got all fucked up and stretched out. Her stomach snapped back, but she has stretch marks. So she got a tiger tattooed on her stomach. Oh, that's perfect. With claws just ripping apart the stretch marks.

Hey, think about it. It's way cheaper than getting a stomach tuck. Those stomach tucks are brutal, too. If you get your skin cut off like that, there's a strong chance of infection. People don't think of your skin as an organ, but it's actually an organ. Your skin isn't just, you know, tissue. It's an organ. Like, it absorbs sunlight.

I lose weight. I'm going to get my titties lift and my stomach tucked and my neck pulled back. You can do it. I mean, I know people have done it. It does work. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying it's a serious procedure. I know.

You do know. Are you going to lose weight? I'm working on it. What are you doing? I'm walking. Walking. That's it? What else you want me to do?

God damn it. Watch what you eat. You got to watch what you eat. I do. You just poured two fucking buckets of sugar into that fucking coffee. Why are you fucking up when I'm drinking this coffee? Well, how the fuck am I supposed to drink my coffee? I only been doing this shit a little while.

How long was a little while? I started in late December. What, January? Have you lost any weight yet? Like 13 pounds. You can't tell. That's all right. Listen, that's pretty good.

13 pounds. That's actually good to do it slowly like that. 13 pounds over You can't tell. That's alright. Listen, that's pretty good. 13 pounds. That's actually good to do it slowly like that. 13 pounds over a couple months. Well, I had a personal trainer, but this dude was wearing me out. That's what happens. That's how you get in shape. I know, but when you

leave there and your vagina muscles and you pissing on yourself in the exercise. You were pissing on yourself? Yes. I was like, you just can't lift my legs like that, sir. And thank you just to take my shit out of the way open like that. You got my vagina doing shit. It ain't did since the seventh grade. Put my goddamn legs down.

So I quit. That does happen to women who have had a bunch of babies, though. They have a hard time maintaining their urine. Like sometimes. If you fucking pulling muscles that you ain't used in a while, of course you're going to piss on yourself. But that's the only way to get in shape. You got to push your body. I know I'm pushing my body, but I'm like, dude.

Too much? Not. I don't know. I just quit. And I went to. You just quit? Yes. And he's been calling me a month.

He did it for a whole month. A whole month. And then you just woke up one day and just give me those fucking Doritos. I ain't ate no fucking Doritos. You don't eat Doritos? Yeah, I eat Doritos. You do. You're confusing me.

You're sending mixed messages. I eat Doritos, but I haven't eaten any Doritos. Oh, I see. Because I'm trying to lose weight. Right. I quit from him because I kept fucking peeing on myself not peeing on myself working you know you were just leaking a little I understand what you're saying why don't you just get some you know pants that are designed to keep

moisture in a color panty liner yeah yeah I keep them they like a credit card credit card no limit I don't think you buy anything with penny liners no but you should you should probably talk to other people that are giving you financial advice it's not gonna work out no penny liners are like visas cards for women over 40 you don't leave home without them oh i understand yes they. Yes. They're very important. You know how you grab your wallet before you walk out of the house? Yes. Most women make sure they have on their panty liner. Really? Yeah.

Most women? I don't know, but I do. I didn't know that most women, I mean, I know when they're having their period or they suspect. No, we use panty liner honestly, all jokes aside, to keep the seat of your panties from use panty line honestly all jokes aside to keep the seat of your panties from looking different colors i think oh to keep it from staining yes i don't

give a fuck about the bottom of my panties you don't no that's what it's down for the cat shit it's like an awful net it's a click eyelash. Click eyelash. I like that. You're so fun, Joe. You know, I gotta tell you, I used to be scared of you, right? Why? I don't know. You got that tough persona. And see, I know you do that MFC shit. MFC? My freak hands? No, what a shit you be doing. You know,

the karate shit you be doing, knocking people the fuck out. And so, I was kind of a little intimidated. And you walk around, your chest all big and shit, you doing, knocking people the fuck out. So I was kind of a little intimidated. And you walk around, your chest all big and shit, you know, nice chest, nice body. You look tough. I was like, oh, I'm scared of this dude. Then I get in here the first time. I was like, he's cool as fuck. I wanted to kiss you the first time, but I was still.

You can kiss me. No, not today. Not today? Back then you wanted to kiss me with too many panty leather talk? It's too fucked up? Did she send you the picture of the tiger tattoo? No, I'm trying to get her. I just got to her phone number.

What is the deal with panty liners? Because I've never seen them on a girl before. And then recently this young girl had them. And she's like, oh no, I wear them every day. Everybody, keep you fresh down there. They come with deodorizer. Deodorizer? Yes, deodorizer.

It's like a Febreze in your underwear. Some girls' panties smell good. Like, their pussy smells good. That's what you think. That's what I think. Yeah, you don't know the trick behind getting them panties to smell like that. Getting their vagina to smell good? All vaginas got an odor.

Do you agree? All? I don't. There's a very limited study group. What? I mean, how many? Look, there's fucking 7 billion people on the planet. 3.9 billion women. Uh-uh, don't do that. Don't do that with me.

I'm telling you about real pussy. I'm not talking about what you read. Real pussy. Yeah, real pussy. Real pussy. I don't pussy come with an odor. Well, yeah, I'm sure it comes with an odor, but not a bad odor. No, no, it's just a natural odor. Natural odor.

You know how the ocean smells when you stick your nose to one of those seashells? Fishy? Fishy. Fuck you. I hope a gentleman got an odor. I mean, an odor. Right. No matter how much you watch it.

Well, yeah. Wood smells. Wood has a smell. Yeah. Yeah. Coffee has a smell. Yeah. You're not talking about Like a stench

No not If it's a stench It's an indication There's something wrong with it Right Yeah You know what's fucked up About yeast infections

A lot of yeast infections Not all of them obviously They come from A girl having sex With more than one guy Which is crazy Like what a weird thing That like

If you have sex With one guy Like that guy's cum In your vagina Is okay But if Two, that guy's cum in your vagina is okay. But if two different guys' cum gets in your vagina, it becomes a yeast infection. I don't know about that now. But they're dangerous. They hurt.

They hurt. My friend used to... I used to have a friend... I still talk to him. You mean yeast infections hurt? Yeah, they itch like a motherfucker. It's like crabs. You ever had crabs?

Nope. Yeah. Oh, God. You've had them? Yes. Oh, God. You've had them? Yes. They bite. They bite, I'm sure. But with a yeast infection, it's on the inside.

So you gotta try to rub it. It's really... If it gets really bad, you could really probably scratch the skin off the inside if you don't go get it treated. You know, that's a funny thing that people are not worried about saving. There's an organism that no one worries about saving is crabs.

Because crabs are on the verge of extinction. Because people are shaving their pubic hairs. That's a real issue today. There's very few crabs left in the world. In the wild. I agree. No, but it used to be, no I'm serious, it used to be a big thing like back in the 70s fucking everybody had crabs why because they all had goddamn shrubbery growing in their

underwear they had huge bushes nobody trimmed their pussy nobody trimmed their dick it was just a chaos down there so two people would have sex and it would be like two jungles what do you mean somebody had to go get the crabs and put them there for them to mingle in the jungle they just didn't go and say hey this is my dick today and jump on it well that's the case with every disease every disease had to start with one person right allegedly a lot of them start following you with wildlife and a lot of them start with um like today's diseases big big portion of today's disease started with agriculture like like a lot of chickens diseases come from livestock a lot of diseases come from pigs swine

flu famous I'm talking about avian bird flu well I mean any disease disease diseases I mean it's all really the same thing if you think about it they all have to start with a person the difference between venereal diseases is actually transmitted but you could transmit venereal diseases through blood too if you figured out a way to get you know someone's blood inside of you it's just whatever the disease is getting it from one person in one person it had to have an original host okay it's up right a lot of them come from like when you see factory farms like uh like livestock farms and bird farms so that's where a lot of diseases come from they morph because there's a giant

population of animals living their own shit you know so what do you what make you think crabs is on the verge of extinction there's articles written about it that the instances of genital crabs have drastically reduced since uh the implementation of pornographic visual vagina trimming and penis trimming. Oh, wow. Yeah, because people shave their pussies and dick. Not me. Not you. Let it wild.

Yeah. 100%. Mine's got an afro pic in it. I like to see you laugh. God damn. I mean, to me, shaving your vagina is for young girls. You know what I'm saying? At a certain point in time, it's over.

Well, I do, but I don't do it at my house because I don't want to clean it up. So I wait until I'm at a hotel on the road. Oh, no. So when you're on the road, then you start burning down the house? Yeah. That shit is hard. You know, I got black hair. That shit curl up on your walls.

It's hard to get up on your walls. I've seen a jerry curl stuck on a wall before, Joe. I have not seen jerry curls stuck on a wall. Well, I mean, you know, go out and, you know, I'm serious. This shit stick to the wall. So I wait till I'm on the road and let somebody else clean it up. So when you're on the road, though, you do trim it up? Every now and then.

You got a text. Is that the picture? I'm trying to see. Is that her? Yeah. Did she send it? No. No? No, not yet. She work at night.

All right, put that phone down. Okay. Flip that shit over. Flip it over, too? Okay. She's got one of those things. She can't help it. She's got Neil Brennan disease. You start fucking with your phone every five seconds. So do you shave your wiener?

I don't. Well, my dick doesn't get hairy, but the lid i say the top does oh the top yeah i shave my balls and above the dick but the dick itself does not not around there like the trunk of it it doesn't get that not really i get a couple raggedy hairs but it's really the top area that you have to be concerned with. Well, I'm over 40, so hair is good when you over 40, because when the wind go between your leg, you warm. The wind goes between your legs? Well, wind don't go between my leg, because my thighs is together, but I'm just saying. It whistles. So when you get to, like, any sort of a windy intersection, you're more protected because

of your vagina. Well, I live in the midwest so you shouldn't shave it to keep it warm down there i see well girls would always say that they would put like uh they put on their winter 20. is that what it's called girls would put on weight for the winter i'm like this you're just fucking lazy i'm still i don't even know what the fuck to say. I've never heard that before. The winter 20, you never heard that? No, I never heard that. For some gals, like to get real thin in the summer so they look sexy.

Wear little cute outfits. And then the winter comes along, they go, alright, it's time to fatten up for the fucking snow. Oh, okay. Yeah. I wish I can get thin for the summer. I'm working on it. So when you say you're working on it, though, like.

I walk every day, Joe. Right. And I do a little weights and a little bicycle. I'm doing about an hour and a half a day, about five days a week when I'm home. I went this morning. Oh, yeah? Yes. What'd you do this morning?

I walked for 45 minutes and rode the bike for 20 and I did 20 jumping jacks. Oh, that's good. Yes. That's good stuff. I think so. Do you watch what you eat? Yeah. Watch it go right in your mouth. I ate strawberries and an omelet

this morning. Oh, that's good. So you're eating healthy. I'm trying. I'm trying. It's hard when you're on the road and you get lonely and you get a bucket of ice cream and call your husband he don't have some ice cream i don't eat ice cream you don't so what are you saying i just like food i mean who doesn't food's great i mean when i'm by myself and i can afford more so i go out to fancy a restaurant because i don't have my fucking kids there in my ear. You know, I don't have to say, hey, if I'm going to buy this steak for me,

I got to buy you one too. I'm by my fucking self. So I go out and I splurge. Right. Yeah. I see. Sometimes. I got a bad habit of spending.

A bad habit of spending? Yeah, I like to do shit. You know, like go eat and shop. I get bored. You mean when you're on the road? Yeah. Home too. How often are you home too?

I'm on the road about three times a month. Three weekends a month. That's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot. You live in Indianapolis, right? Indianapolis. Do you work out in Indianapolis? Yes.

Like your material, that's where you do your stuff? Yes. Yeah? A little bit. A little bit? Yeah. I drive down to Kentucky, too, because the people who owns Morty's, they also own the club in Kentucky.

So I drive. How far does that drive? Hour and a half. Oh, that's not bad. I didn't know that Indianapolis was only an hour and a half from Kentucky. Louisville. Really? Really?

Indianapolis and Louisville are only an hour and a half away. Yeah, he just left there. Who was you with? Tiffany and who else? Tiffany Haddish and Tony Hinchcliffe, I think. No, it was Delray. Delray. Yeah, it was him.

Dean Delray. Yeah. But that's why I work on my material. That's nice, though, that you're working three weekends a month. That's nice. It's getting better. You know, the podcast world has really been supportive. I went to Chicago after I did yours, and all of these fit fuckers from a gym came out.

I was like, holy fuck. I can tell the different people from the different podcasts. Your people are always in fucking shape. Well, that's good. Yeah. And they're just so motivated. They'd be like, oh, Miss Pat, you can do it. I'm like, go fuck yourself and get

off my page. So they're trying to give you help? Yeah, I mean, the fans are the ones who stay with me, you know, those are the ones that really like you. Fuck everybody else. Right. You know. Well, I guarantee you we can get you a trainer in Indianapolis that won't make you pee yourself. Really?

Yeah. For free? We'll find somebody. For free? Why is everything got to be free? Don't you make money? I Really? Yeah. For free? We'll find somebody. For free? Why is everything got to be free? Don't you make money? I'm a Democrat. For free? For free? You said it like three times. For free?

Why for free? You just said you work. I do work. You said you work three weekends a month. Oh, how expensive can they be? They cost money. You're headlining. Yeah.

You're doing well. I know you're doing well. I hear. I hear things. What the fuck you hear that I don't hear? I hear You're doing well. I know you're doing well. I hear. I hear things. What the fuck you hear that I don't hear? I hear you're doing well. I hear you're selling tickets. I hear people are coming to see you.

They love you. People are coming to see me. Thank you so very much. Joe. Can't you just say, hey, y'all sponsor me as Pat and I'll give you a shout out on my show. Why my show? What about you? Give him a shout out on Twitter. That's all you have to do. Oh, really? I'll give you a shout out if my show why my show what about you give him a shout

out on twitter that's all you have to do oh really i'll give you a shout out if you want to train me and i don't have to pee on myself just two months you come to my house if someone can prove to you that they can get you in shape will you start paying them then yeah then you'll pay them the last guy was getting me in shape and you were paying him yeah the thing is you gotta knock on my door and make me come out you gotta knock on your door you gotta wake you up no does he have to feed you does he have to put your shoes on i'm working on it okay joe goddamn you sound like a step daddy well i'm just trying to find out where your line is i'm trying to find out where your line is i'm a little lazy but i'm working on it yeah so someone just has to kind of get you to do it.

You know what? I get started, and then I don't see no results. I have a problem where I would get on the scale every fucking day. And he was like, stay the fuck off that scale. Because, you know, you drink water. That's water weight. And I was like, I spent all this fucking time at the gym, and I didn't lose shit. Well, you can't just lose weight instantaneously.

I mean, I know, but I'm an ex-drug dealer, so everything was fast in my life. And I like shit to be fast in my life. Right, but it wasn't fast to get big. You gotta get well the same way you got sick. I think I woke up like this.

I don't remember gaining no hundred and some pounds during my marriage. We used to have a lot of sex and eat Taco Bell. And 10 years later, we woke up fat. I don't remember ever changing panty sizes. One day I just went from a 16 to in my 20s. I'm like, what the fuck? What's a 16?

Is that large? What's a size 16 panties? I don't know what that means. A normal size. But I don't know what that means. Like, what size person would that be? 100 pounds? 120 pounds?

Probably, for me, a 16 is about 175. Well, you were weighing 175. When I met my husband. And then somewhere along the line, he just kept... And he was straight out the military, so he wasn't fat either. You know, I told you my husband was a vegan and he lost all that weight. He gained it all back. He gained it all back?

Oh, no. Wow. He don't eat meat. He just went on a cookie diet. A cookie diet. A cookie diet. When did this happen? He gained about 60 pounds back.

And this is the last time you were here? Oh, yeah. That's insane. That's fucking unhealthy. I keep telling him. That's insane. That's fucking unhealthy. I keep telling him. That's not a little bit of what? I said, you can't keep having your titties go up and down like that. You're going to have a heart attack.

Yeah, the heart attack is the real concern. Yes. Not the titties. Yeah. The titties are going to get wrecked for sure. You lose and gain that much weight. Your body doesn't know what the fuck to do with your skin. So now he's back in the gym.

Yeah, well, you can't gain. That's a scary thing. You know what happened fuck to do with your skin. So now he's back in the gym. Yeah, well, you can't gain. That's a scary thing. You know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. He went, his gout flared up. So when his gout flare up, he can't do shit. You never had gout. I have a friend who has that.

Oh, that is some painful shit. My husband can't do shit. His toe just be, it look like it fucking talking to you. It just red. Does he take medication for it? Well, it's his diet it's his diet what what about the diet like what you know they say gout these two say it was like a king's disease it used to affect a lot of like royal people back in the day because they drank a lot of wine

that man overseas what's his name kung joo woo the man jong il yeah him yeah he got gout the new one kim jong-un yeah the son yeah he does gout yeah that's what they say it's uh it's associated with people that are overweight but it's also associated with specific diets like diets that are rich in certain foods i forget what it is but i know some wine has something to do with it you don't drink wine what's the symptoms i don't know you get like joint pain my friend who has it he's it, he gets really painful heels. Like his feet swell up. And it goes anywhere.

My husband has it only in his left toe. In his left toe only? Yep, that's the only place it flare up. Really? Yep. That's weird. My father-in-law just passed in November, and he had it all over his body. He had it in his arms, his hands, like my mother-in-law got it in her arms.

But everybody in my husband's family got it. Hmm. Okay, here's what it says. There are a number of factors, risk factors for gout. The more risk factors a person has, the greater risk of developing gout. When examining a patient, take the following risk factors into consideration to ensure a proper diagnosis. Hyperuricemia, classified as a uric acid. Yeah, uric acid. That's one of the things that has to do that for some reason or another has to do with diet, right? Yeah. Family history, age, gender, gout affects men more than women, ethnicity, the instances of gouty

arthritis and comorbid conditions varies by ethnicity. In the U.S., Hispanics and African Americans who have features of metabolic syndrome are more likely to develop gout, obesity. What's that? What are you putting that up for? I got a trainer. What? What is that? There's a trainer for this guy.

Okay. Give some trainer. I'll pay you.? There's a trainer for his back. Okay. Give some trainer. I'll pay you. You don't even know that guy sucks. It could not even be a trainer. Yeah, what if I get there and he, 90 years old. I had one trainer. He was fat.

That's not good. I know. And he wore a weight belt to like a girdle. And I was like, I'm not going to keep paying your fat ass. Crystals. This is the other thing. Yeah. It forms crystals.

And that's why i hurt so bad that's why i hurt so bad my husband say it feels like somebody is just fucking got fire to your skin alcohol consumption uh especially beer stop drinking beer says purine i don't even that's not even the dog food purina-rich foods, especially red meat and shellfish. High fructose-laden foods, like high fructose corn syrup. Crash diets. Crash diets. I'm going to tell him that.

Including high-protein fat diets. Starting uric acid-lowering therapy without anti-inflammatory coverage. Bedrest, often post-operative. All those things trigger gout. Nothing can stop the pain. Nothing. Like Tylenol. No. They can't give you anything. They'll give you something to try to calm it down, but nothing.

If my husband get it, what do he drink? He drinks something to make his calm down oh um uh organic uh what is organic uh cranberry juice or organic cranberry juice yeah 100 cranberry juice calms it down you know most cranberry juice is like cranberry juice cocktail which is like very sugar. Because the one he buys is like $9. Like $7 or $8 at Kroger. Down at Organic Out. And that helps.

Yes. And he drinks it every day. It probably tastes like shit. It's very tart. It's tart. I'm sorry. It's tart cranberry juice. That's what it is.

Well, cranberry juice cocktail. Like most people think they're drinking cranberry juice. No, that's bullshit. You're drinking a lot of sugar. Yes, you are. But my husband drinks the tart. And he drinks it at least once a week to keep the flare-ups. He can tell now when they're about to flare up and he get on his cranberry juice and it'll go away. Hmm.

That's interesting. Doesn't that hurt with women who have urinary tract infections as well? Yeah, that shit feel like gonorrhea. Does it? You know what gonorrhea feels like? I know what a lot of shit feel like gonorrhea does it you know what gonorrhea feels like i know what a lot of shit feel like i ain't always had health care but urinary tract infections that's uh one thing that women who take cranberry juice they do that yeah yeah to cleanse your vagina you want to keep it down because if you get like if it get really bad and you go to piss you could run out

the bathroom whoa that shit hurt damn yeah why is it hurt because it's inflamed because it's burning it's like if you took your wiener out let me stick a lighter to it hey easy oh i was just trying to demonstrate the pain why call a wiener what dick oh okay wiener style like a kid wiener is just sad. Wiener is sexy to me. Wiener is sexy to you? What? If your husband's like, listen, baby, I'm going to sling my wiener your way. Well, my husband don't allow me to talk in the bedroom because my voice is deep. He doesn't allow you to talk in the bedroom.

He's like, fucking clear your throat. He tells you not to talk in the bedroom. Listen, we're going to walk through the threshold of silence. Where we do our fucking. What time he said, shut up, you're fucking up my concentration with your voice. Whoa, what were you saying? Oh, fuck me, fuck me. Oh, come on.

Harder, motherfucker. You know the shit to make you feel like you're young when you're having sex. Wow. Wow. Yeah. All that deep talk. Yeah. Deep talk. He don't like my, he said when I lay down and my boobs go up out of my neck, I really sound like a man.

Like I call, why are you looking at me like that? Fascinating. You know, I'm fat, so my titties gonna roll up out of my neck if I'm laying down. Do they ever cover your eyes? They probably could. Like one time I woke up and I thought my husband was choking me, but it was my titties are going to roll up out of my neck if I'm laying down. Do they ever cover your eyes? They probably could. Like one time I woke up and I thought my husband was choking me, but it was my titties up out of my neck. Wow. Your titties were under your neck so heavy that you thought your husband was choking you?

Yeah, I thought he kind of like had his hand around my neck. And then I woke up and it was my fucking, I wasn't choking, but you know how you feel something on you when you sleep? So that also affects the way you talk. So you guys have deals. Yeah, I don't talk in the bedroom. You can't talk in the bedroom. Do you have any deals for him? Like, he can't talk anywhere else?

Like, you should have a room where he can, he's got to shut the fuck up. You can't just have a room where only he gets to talk. Well, he don't. You know what I'm saying? You should give him a room, but you got to get a room too well i'm working on getting a bedroom so i don't have to watch the bullshit ass tv that he watch oh so you're working on getting a separate bedroom yeah i have one of my nieces just in i gotta wait till they leave that's the beginning of the end and you get separate bedrooms well

we're not gonna i'm gonna go there and watch tv and relax that's it yeah no i have to sleep with my husband i love my husband, Joe. I believe you. He's my hero. You know, most people wait on somebody riding on a white horse. He came in on a Nissan and got me out of the ghetto. I love my baby. He came with a bitch healthcare. He didn't punch a bitch in the eye every Friday. No gunnery.

No crabs. No baby mama. None of that bullshit. I'm happy. He sounds like a great guy. He is a great guy. Except for that all, you can't talk in the bedroom shit. I got a deep voice.

Just make a deal. Okay, so then you get this new bedroom. Then he's got to shut the fuck up in the new bedroom. Yes. And in the new bedroom, you can just talk

all kinds of crazy shit. You're going to have, you know, Miss Pat's bedroom where she gets to talk? Dungeon. In his bedroom. Maybe I'm going to get me a vibrator and talk to the vibrator. He won where she gets to talk? Dungeon. In his bedroom. Maybe I'm going to get me a vibrator and talk to the vibrator.

It won't tell me to shut the fuck up. Well, you don't have to go that crazy. Women love vibrators. I believe you. I've never used a vibrator. Never. Never. You've never tried one?

I've been fucking since I was 12. I don't have no problem getting laid. I believe that as well. Yes. But did you ever get curious? Like, what's he with all the fuss is all about? Well, no. Nothing? Because you know what they say. They say once you die,

you're going to meet God and you're going to flash your life back in your face. I don't want to see that vibrator scene when I have to get into heaven. I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, think about all the other shit you've got in your head. Well, I got an excuse for that. Choking yourself with your tits. Yeah, but you don't want to look at God and say, oh, I needed a nut.

Why not? No, I don't want to do that. Well, listen, God's the one who gave you this desire to come. Well, I know that. I mean, that was just joking. I don't like vibrators. You don't like them. No.

But you don't know because you haven't tried them, right? I know. That's what my girlfriends say. But I've always had sex with somebody. I mean, who going to suck my titty, Joe? Me? So you demand certain activities yeah you're having sex that the vagina that the vibrator is not capable of fulfilling exactly who i'm gonna talk to i get it i see what you're saying yeah it makes a lot of

sense i mean i think they're cute you think a vibrator is cute i've seen them in all sizes i a vibrator party one time you hosted a vibrator party one time. You hosted a vibrator party? Yes. And at the time, the new one had a suction cup on it. So you just stick it to the toilet and you fuck yourself. Oh, God. Anywhere in the house, it just stick to the wall. And it was crazy. And women was buying these shit of all sizes, Joe.

All like this, like this. I had a friend who had a girlfriend who couldn't come without it. She got addicted to it. That means he wasn't shit. He would fuck the shit out of her, and then she'd be like, give me that thing. Yeah, Hitachis are known for that because they're so powerful that they pretty much make it so it's numb down there that they only have to have that feeling to come now.

Who is it? Hitachi's are like those really strong ones that you plug into the wall and those things just... Hitachi, is it a massager that girls use

as a vibrator? Yeah, it's a famous, it's one of the oldest massagers. It looks kind of like a long ice cream cone or something.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. The one I saw, they was plastic and they just... Yeah, those look like dicks. Well, my daughter have a lot of them too.

Oh. Yeah. The lesbian daughter. Yeah. Yeah. My other daughter is 16. I hope she ain't got no vibrator. That's weird.

Like, so lesbians will use vibrators and strap-ons and all that shit. Yes, but they don't want no dick. They don't want no dick. No. But they want something inside them. No, that's why I have a joke. That's why I have a joke. I was asking my daughter.

I was like, why are you gay? I mean, if titties is your thing, go out and get a fat boy. Yeah, that's a Hitachi. And it's super powerful. Like, if you have an arm full blast. Well, put that in a vagina. Well, it's not supposed to.

You just put it on a clit. It's not supposed to be for that, though. It's supposed to be for your back. Oh, God. Yeah. I don't know nothing about that type of thing. I'm just straight up and down and go to sleep. Straight up and down and then go to sleep.

Yeah. If someone buys one for you, will you at least try it and report back on it? I'm not doing that bullshit. You're not interested. I'm a Christian. Oh, okay. Yeah. That makes sense.

Christians don't use vibrators. They have Jesus once What if one of them is blessed? You know fuck up. You know vibrate. How does that work? Are Christians allowed to masturbate? I don't know. I'm not a real Christian Christian I'm a Christian. You're not a real Christian, but you are I'm a Christian I am I believe in God and Jesus I am then I've been baptized 25 times you are a Christian. I'm a Christian. I am. I believe in God and Jesus. I am. And I've been baptized 25 times, so of course I'm a Christian. 25 times? Yes. Why were you baptized 25 times? Well, my mama had a skin in the hood back in the day.

When all the churches cared about you. So if you go to church, like we was poor, so if you had problems with your financial problems, and you joined a church, the church would write you a check for your finances that month. Really? Yeah, it was a black church. That's amazing. Well, that's why black churches don't give out money without interviews no more.

That's why no churches give out money without interviews. But that is a beautiful function of a church, though, that they could actually help people with their financial problems. How did that work? So my mama would take us. It was five of us.

And she would take us to get. We would join the church, you know, like we're really going to come. And they would pay our light bill, our rent or whatever. And so the pastor always wanted to baptize you. So my mama had a scheme where she would set these churches up to get us baptized to get help. So you bring the kid in, you say, I want my child to get baptized, I got a lot of financial difficulties.

Well, you schedule it. No, you schedule it. She'll go to the church, ask for help, and they always try to talk you into joining because you need members to keep going. And my mom's like, yeah, I join, get baptized or whatever. I don't know how the meeting went down. I just showed up for the baptism. So you'd show up, they would baptize you, they'd dunk you in the water and then what happens they give you some money they

give my mama the money how much money i don't know i was a kid i didn't even know that i didn't even realize yeah i didn't even realize this shit wasn't right was abnormal until i was on my phone my girlfriend probably about eight years ago and i'm talking to her probably like 10 years ago and we was talking about baptism. And I was like, I got baptized 25 times. She's like, who the fuck baptized you 25 times? I was like, how many times was you baptized? She was like, once.

I was like, why? And I was like, that was a fucking scheme. Did you ever talk to your mom about it? My mama's dead. My mama died when she was 39. I was 16 with two kids. She had diabetes. Wow. That's one more reason to try to she wasn't fat she was 98 pounds damn 98 pounds never was fat

yes she was an alcoholic you know my mom i think my mama they say diabetes when you don't got no health care no insurance they just put whatever pills you were taking that with the motherfucker died of but i think my mama just died of of a broken heart she had a rough life you know she had five kids before she was 23 she was uneducated she was in a very abusive relationship with my daddy i mean we never had ships we always lived in places where we got evicted because she lived off welfare. I mean, she just she I mean, I'm not going to say she never had a chance. She just had a bad life, whatever, whatever she was. It's a cycle. So whatever her parents, whatever she saw her parents do, she went on and did it.

And so did my sister. And so did you. Oh, I changed my life. Right. But you broke the cycle. Yeah. But did that occur to you while you were young and when you had kids? Like, I'm doing the same thing my mom

was doing? Yes. Like, my mama would have me at a really young age, like, lighting cigarettes at five or six. Lighting her cigarettes? Yes. But I was told in school, well, probably about six or seven, but we was told in school not to smoke. You remember that Joe Cool guy with the cigarettes? You remember the little... The camel? Camel, that's who I'm talking about. or seven. And we was taught in school not to smoke. You remember that Joe Cool guy with the cigarettes?

You remember the little camel? Camel. That's what I'm talking about. Remember how cool he was? But in school, you was taught not to smoke. Cigarettes will kill you. So that always stuck in my head. But my mom would sit me in the room, in the kitchen and light her cigarettes off the stove.

And she was like, make sure you pull it two times. And I'm like, bitch, they just told me I'm going to die. I didn't say that to her. I said that in head you know make sure you pull it she was telling you to inhale we have to inhale it to get it going i don't fucking know but my sister smoked everything in the book from that shit i inhale you know what how she the reason why she stopped me from doing it because i would go in there and fucking fry that fucking cigarette and she would slap the shit i mean she smoked one stins so already that shit is super strong so we'll be spit on the mic fry that fucking cigarette. And she would slap the shit out of me. She smoked Winston's. So already that shit is super strong.

So we'd be like, spit on the mic. We'd be in there coughing and shit. My sister probably was smoking at eight years old. How old were you when she was getting you lighter cigarettes? Probably about, well, my sister was probably like eight. So she's two years older than me.

So you were six years old and she was telling you to take a hit off a cigarette. we did it every day fuck that's crazy we did it every day we knew how to pull her gin and she drunk gin and water so we would go back there and make her a drink all the time she would tell you to make her a drink uh yes and i used to always say everything i see you motherfuckers do i'm never gonna do it i don't smoke or drink and it's you know i always said my mama made me think she did everything unsexy just like she wasn't like most moms like and she smoked a cigarette she didn't hold it like you know how you saw most women hold she held that bitch like a joint because she smoked a lot of weed and i said why you do everything like a man i didn't say that her, but like she never drank out of glass. She always drunk out of a quart bottle.

So I was like, she do everything like a fucking man. Like she never told a purse. She always told a wallet, a man's wallet in her back pocket. Really? Mm hmm. So everything she did, I was like, I can't do this. Well, she probably from having so many kids at a young age, probably want to have nothing to do with sexy. Just stay the fuck away from me with all that dick.

That just gets me in trouble. I'll just do some repulsive shit. Start farting on dudes. Well, you know, she had five kids really young. Because my daddy was nine years older than her, like eight years older than her, like my kid's father was. And I didn't even realize that until one day I was out here putting some together and i had my uh birth certificate and i was like oh this got my mama young like my baby daddy got me young that's so crazy it's such a repeating cycle it is a repeating site until somebody open their eyes and say holy we all headed it

i'm headed like these people what made you realize and what what do you think was like the catalyst to get you to stop that's when i had my kids when i had my you know i had the first baby at 14 and that's the first time i ever felt like i was loved i that's one of the reason why i kept the baby because you know the baby and i got a book deal so i don't give away all the stories but that's one of the reason when i gave the baby, because you know the baby, and I got a book deal, so I don't want to give away all the stories. But that's one of the reasons when I gave birth to her, I kept her, because he was married. This lady showed up at my door and was like, this is my fucking husband you're pregnant about. But to me, I was going to finally have somebody in my life that loved me, and I didn't have to worry about betraying me.

So that's why I kept that baby, because I knew that baby would love me unconditionally because I never felt like I was loved until I mean, when I had the baby, I was 14 and I give him birth by myself. He wasn't there. He showed up the next day at the hospital with his girlfriend, his new girlfriend. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So you like consciously felt like you could raise this baby from the time it was little and it would love you i yeah but i didn't realize the finance attached with it but yeah you know it's almost like a baby doll that's how you kind of looked at it was a cabbage pad i never got but my cabbage pack the cabbage pack kids don't eat this motherfucker really ate

yeah so i had to go out and get a job you got a book deal yeah when did this happen uh after i left you that's awesome well the writer heard me on ari shafir so she went to an agency and told him to listen to the rogan podcast and so she listened to the rogan podcast and then i did marins and then they listened to him and then the agent picked me up so got the agent from you and uh sealed the deal over with all the podcasters together when i thought i did martin marins wow and i was shocked too i was like uh y'all wanna buy this so are you gonna write it yourself hell no why can't you say click click clickit. Click. Clitorius. Yeah.

Clitorius is a Greek Roman clit. I don't know what the fuck it is. Clitorius Maximus. The lady who found me on Ari Park has, she's writing it. Oh, okay. Yes. So you just will tell her the stories and she'll translate it? I just told her we've been talking. Well, I sold a book last time, right around the last time I was here.

After I was here. So we writing, we almost done with the first chapter so far. So we talk about three, four sold a book last time I read around the last time I was here. I thought I was here. So we write and we almost done with the first chapter so far. So we talk about three, four times a week. So does she talk to you on the phone? On the phone. And then she just does she record it and transcribe it? I'm quite sure she do. I mean, I just I just don't fucking know what going to book writing do.

I got a GED. I just tell her the stories and then she go from there like um it's kind of funny because you know she opened doors in my life that I've had closed so long that there were there's a lot of pain I think you know I only seen this later a couple times and I'm just opening these doors so a lot of times we're crying together but we also laugh and a lot of time i hang up from when she comes back she's like are you okay and i'm like i'm a fucking case oh it's 30 years ago but and i think the reason why emotion is there because i hadn't had to deal with it all of these years right you know you know i you can you know when you when you compress shit it's okay until motherfucker crack that door open right

so i do i do a lot well i did a lot of crying with her yeah that's the case with a lot of people when they recall like ancient things that happened to them like you don't even realize how much it affected you until you start talking about it and you start crying and you realize like wow that that played a major part in me up yeah you know and i'm 42 i mean i'm 42 years old and i you know i still can remember my mama saying white people is better than you so for years joe i was scared of white people i never had to deal with y'all didn't come to my hood i didn't go out looking for y'all so i didn't really have to deal with white people Until I moved to Indianapolis And my comedy career

Because there was no urban scene Because when I first started comedy I was on the urban scene So you don't see white people coming to too many urbans Little small hole in the wall So when I got to Isn't it funny that urban is black? Yeah

How the fuck did that happen? How did it become urban? I have no idea Urban means city. Like, city, everybody lives in the fucking city. I mean, most, half the world lives in the city. Like, how weird is it that urban... You gotta ask your people.

They did that. My people, white people. Do you think it's like a euphemism for black? They wanted to have a nice way of saying black, so they came up with urban? Yes. Urban crime. Urban crime, yeah. Inner city. So, you started doing urban rooms.

Yeah. When I first started. So when my husband job transferred us to Indianapolis, it was no scene there. So I had to go into the to the mainstream club, which was Morty's and crackers and stuff. And I would just, you know, kind of fucking chuck and do what I was doing to one of the managers. Avery. Hey, Avery, he love your podcast. And he was I would tell, you know, kind of fucking chuck and do what I was doing to one of the managers. Avery, hey, Avery, he love your podcast. And I would tell him these stories. He's like, you should really talk about your life. And when I started to talk about my life, you know, people, they would just come to me. Oh, you're so funny.

Get your fucking hands on me. I wouldn't say that to them. But in my mind, my mind was fucked up because she said, don't white people are better than you. Never look them in the eye. Well, who fucking said that to you? My mother. Your mom said white people are better than you never look them in the eye well who fucking said that to your mother your mom said white people are better than you never don't look them in the eye what did she mean by that i don't know you know but they're better than you they are that's what she said because you know i guess she my mama was born in the 40s so she was a part of that whole civil

right movement and you know you had a lot of people that believed that bullshit that we are different they were different back then so she she taught me white people was better than me never look you in the eye and until i moved to indianapolis i could never look them in the eye and i told my husband this story he was like we all the fucking same because you know white women are so friendly so they would run up to me and kiss me oh you're so funny but in my mind like bitch you don't get your motherfucking hand i'm gonna choke the shit out you you know what's fucked up i mean we don't we don't think about it in perspective but we are as close to 1940s as the 1940s were to slavery you don't think about it like that but that's reality i mean

slavery ended in 1875 think about that think about 1875 to 1940 you know it's not that much time it's not that much time 65 years you know whatever plus or minus 10 years not that much time and then you go from 1940 you know you're dealing with 70 years to today 74 years 75 years from 1940 and give or take a few here or there. That's crazy. Yeah. That's weird when you really think about it. That's not that far away where people owned people in this fucking country.

Yeah. And your mother grew up with the echoes, the reverberations of that era and the Civil War. I mean, people going to war over that. Yeah. That's fucked up if you really stop and the Civil War. I mean, people going to war over that. Yeah. That's fucked up if you really stop and think about it. Your mom was as close to goddamn Lincoln being president as we are. She was born in 40. I think my dad was born in 42 and she was born in 49.

My dad was born in 30-something. My dad was born in the 30s. I don't fucking know. He died when he was almost 70. But she died at 39. She was as close to Lincoln being president as we are to Eisenhower being president, which is fucking weird. That is weird. That's weird to think of.

Because it's just, we look at history. When you start thinking about slavery, we start thinking about Abraham Lincoln. That seems so long ago. It does. Impossibly long ago. But then when you do the numbers and you go, wait a minute, oh, shit, whoa, 1865. That is not 1875. That's not that long ago.

It's not. It's not. It's just not. It's not that long ago. It's weird. It's weird that it's not, but it really isn't. it's weird it's weird that it's not but it really isn't it's just uh the the human like the the the toll that that sort of life paid or that that had to be uh paid by people of having slavery and having just rampant racism throughout this country and having

two completely different groups of people white people and black people and that black people literally your mother telling you yeah white people are better than you the toll of that like the the impact of that god damn that's going to take a long time to settle the fuck down well i mean i'm getting over it now i realize we are all the same you know you know better than me you know you are but you think a lot and you're a very smart person you're exposed to a lot of different things yeah i mean think about how many people just don't get that message you know what and i took my brother to a show in lafayette indiana i did around thanksgiving my family came up so i take my my brother them they just think i'm some open mic they don't really

know what i do you know because i don't see my family a lot. So I take my brother to Lafayette, Indiana, and 300-some white people come out. All white people. We're the only black people. And so I said, I don't have that many black people that come out to see me. So I told him, I said, I knew it wasn't going to be any black people, so I brought black people with me, my family. And so I'm telling these jokes about my life, how we grew up. My brother over there crying, laughing.

And so when I finished him, we get in the car, he said, said rabbit how them crackers let you talk to them like that and i'm right that's right you forget your your street name they don't call me patricia but your whole family calls you by your name crack dealer name i thought it was so nuts i was like tony nobody say crackers anymore and they're white people, okay? Isn't that a club, crackers? Yeah, it's a club, crackers. But they're also white people. All filled with white people.

Crackers and it's filled with white people. God damn. Yeah. That's got to be weird having your brother call you cracker. Or rabbit, rather. Well, you know, I try to stop him. But me and my cousins call me rabbit. Because I don't know. That's what we're going to name the book, Rabbit. Oh don't know that's what we're gonna name the book rabbit oh really yes we're gonna name the book rabbit miss pat aka rabbit

i don't know how it's gonna go but i know they decided on rabbit they think rabbit gotta pop to it yeah you should use your real name the name you use on stage don't let them use any other name miss pat make sure it's miss pat is in the title somehow or another oh otherwise people won't find it okay you know thank you for telling me you hear that harper collins because they're listening to you stupid harper collins don't get creative you weird white people leave her alone they just think it's cool they just want to be able to call you rabbit rabbit the story of miss pat i don't fucking like the name rabbit i don't like the name you know what if you call me rabbit then you You know what? If you call me rabbit, then you know me. You know, if you call me Ms. Pat, then you a fan.

I go home, I'm Pat. But if you call me rabbit, you know my fucking path. And it creeps me out. I was like, don't fucking call me rabbit. So do you say that to your family? Don't call me rabbit? I try to tell them, but I don't even think they know my real fucking name. My brother called me.

What you doing? Motherfucker. I'm Pat now. OK, now, because, you know, I got a brother named Anthony and Tony. So I'd be like, do I do I call you and call you Anthony? Don't I call you bitch? I mean, I call him Anthony. I don't call him anymore.

He's gone. Yeah, we just call him. But that's call him Anthony. I don't call him aunt anymore. You used to call him aunt. Yeah, we used to call him aunt. But that's short for Anthony. That makes sense. But I call him Anthony and I tell him to call me Pat. But he won't. He won't.

Motherfucker. And my brother Tony, my brother Tony, he's real, real black. So we used to call him itchy. I don't call you itchy, bitch. Don't call me rabid. Why'd you call him itchy? Because he was real black. I don't know. Because he always looked like he needed lotion.'d you call him itchy Because he was real black I don't know Cause he always looked like He needed lotion

Brian what are you doing over there Answering emails No Looked like he needed to be stretched He always looked dry And my sister's nickname Was Maypop Maypop

Yeah Why Maypop I don't fucking know Joe Where we got these names from Maypop is A flower Very specific It's a state flower somewhere

A Maypop is a Flower Oh okay Google it That's how I learned it Maypop is very specific. A flower? It's a state flower somewhere. A maypop is a flower. Google it. That's how I learned it. Maypop. M-A-Y-P-O-P. Maypop flower. Is that a flower in... I don't know. I've seen it somewhere. Yeah, it's a flower. It's beautiful. It's purple.

Purple passionflower. I have no idea why they... Maybe they thought she was a flower. She was really pretty before crack. Passiflora incarnata. Hmm. Yeah, it's beautiful. I know my mama didn't read that shit. Yeah, commonly known as maypop.

Purple passionflower. The passionflower, wild apricot, and wild passion vine. A fast-growing perennial vine. My sister don't look shit like that. Well, it's a beautiful flower, though. It is a beautiful flower. If you want to call somebody something like that, I mean, that's a nice thing. You know, it's crazy because it's wide open, so that replicates her legs.

Her legs are always wide open? Yeah. How dare she? Yeah. But her name was Maypop, and I have a brother that's named George. We called him Bo. Bo. Yeah, he's biracial. He's really biracialacial but my mama said we all got the same daddy ain't no fucking way when this man black

is fucking cuda brown so how bo is biracial he looked like he's white he looks like he's white fuck yeah he's yeah he looked like he white But your mother says it comes from the same guy. Yes. And he's a junior. So I was like, I know why daddy beat your ass. I don't know where the fuck this, because when I gave the writer, when I gave the writer, my brothers and sisters pictures so she can kind of visualize who I'm talking about. She was like, who is this little white girl? I was like, that's my oldest brother. Wow.

She thought he was a little white girl jesus yeah but he's black i mean but i don't know what he is we don't talk about it he's in jail right now he's in jail what's he in jail for uh dui poor beau yeah he been in jail all his life all of us have damn maypop just got out of jail. For what? What did Maypop? Oh, she ran over the crack here. Remember I told you that they were smoking crack? Oh, that's right. And she backed up over it too many times and they gave her two years or something.

Too many times. Too many times. The transvestite. My cousin, transvestite girlfriend. Right, right, right. I forgot about that story. So she's out now. For those who haven't heard that story, refer to podcast number one.

Yeah. Miss Pat. So she's out now. She's out now. Yeah. She's in a drug program. She's getting her tokens day by day, I guess. I don't know.

Now, when they see you being successful and becoming famous and doing really well, and they go to see you at a comedy club with 300 white people laughing and having a great time, are they happy for you? having a great time. Are they happy for you? You know, I don't think they, I don't really think they got it yet. You know, they still think,

oh, Pat just out here, you know, open mic, and I don't think they know what I'm exactly doing, because I'm not on TV. So if you ain't on TV to black people, you ain't made it. But you're on Ari Shafir's show. You're on this Comedy Central show that's going to be,

I think it's this Thursday. No, it's next week. Next week. No. They changed it. My sister ain't going to watch no fucking Comedy Central. They don't watch Comedy Central even though you're on it? No.

Why not? She probably ain't got cable, first of all. She just asked me for $20 to pay her rent. So she probably ain't got no goddamn cable. Right. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Hmm.

I'm going to call I need to call and say hey you got comedy sent you you should watch me. You should have a viewing party with all your friends

back in Indiana. Family. You don't have them over your house? My family's not in Indianapolis. You know they're in Atlanta.

So you don't want to have them fly out just to Who got that kind of money? They ain't never been on no plane. They've never been

on a plane? No. Wow. They've been been on a plane? No. Wow. They've been on a bus going to court. Wow. They ain't never been on no plane. I didn't start flying until I, um, became a comedian. Really?

Yeah. How old were you the first time you got on an airplane? What? I've been doing this, what, 11, 12 years? Late 20s. Wow. So the first time you got on an airplane, were you sh, 12 years? Late 20s? Wow. So the first time you got on an airplane, were you shitting your pants? I had somebody go with me.

I had a friend who worked at the airline. And, you know, my mom just, black people are scared to fly. That is so fucking true. We'd rather drive 25 hours to get on a plane. Honestly, you might think I'm lying. My granddaddy married this lady who had some money. And she said. Wait a minute, your grand. My grandfather. He's dead nowdaddy married this lady who had some money. And she said. Wait a minute. Your grand.

My grandfather. He's dead now. He married this lady who had some money. And she wanted to go on a honeymoon. He was like, I don't want to go on a fucking plane. And this man, he's 60. So she talked him on to get on a plane. He came back and divorced that bitch. He said, I told that bitch I didn't want to fly.

Wow. He came back from the honeymoon and they never lived together. Just because she made him fly? She made him fly. Wow. So I was always scared. My mom was like, don't get on a fucking plane. It ain't for us. What was the gig? It ain't for us. White people are better than you. Don't get on planes.

She was saying only white people fly. Y'all like dying in the air. When you light my cigarette, make sure you take two hits even though you're six. This is how you make make my drink this is how you keep a wall in your back pocket basically everything your mother told you was wrong did she ever give you any good advice uh no no no she didn't she didn't know she didn't know well i don't know you know what i said my mama did the best that she could because she could have been like these new bitches of the day and just dropped us off and kept going you know these whole leaving these babies at the mall she struggled with her five kids i think i you know she was she gave us what she was handed

down right and until somebody tap you on the shoulder say hey it's different shit out here let's try something different like my husband did with me then you don't know i mean i got cousins who living just like my mama all these different i mean all these kids and welfare and no job it just it just keep being handed down criminal activity going to jail you know date my like my brother got two kids and i follow him on instagram right and they always in the hood got on my fresh joy i'm freshen this bitch and I said look at these stupid motherfuckers look at these stupid motherfuckers I'm about to go wait in line for tennis shoes really motherfucker really but that's it's that's all they know in their atmosphere yeah yeah I mean that's what you you saw and you became the same but your children are

seeing something different I mean that's what's really fascinating, especially as you become successful, your children are seeing a you that's learned and grown. And as we talked about this last time you were on here, the conversations that you had with your daughter, when you kind of, you know, you've let your daughter know, like, look, this is me. I was very young when I had you and I've learned some things. And along the way, I've become a better person and a different person. And're a different person a better person than I was when I was your age you know and it's like this information that you're picking up you're spreading your kid you broke the chain you know you broke in the cycle that's gotta be very happy for you it's very happy because you know one

of the concerns I had was dropout nobody graduated like I dropped out in eighth and my sister dropped out and everybody going to jail and teenage pregnancy. I said to myself, you motherfuckers would not be fucking my baby at 14. I don't know who motherfuckers I was talking about, but I'm just talking about in general.

Right. Well, she ended up being gay so she could have used a little dick along the way. Do you think that she's gay by nature or by nurture? I don't know. Because she said she was born gay. I said not according to the ultrasound. The ultrasound?

Yeah. It says whether you're gay or not? She wasn't sucking on me when she was in my stomach, so I don't know where she get that habit from. Not according to the ultrasound. I don't know where she get that habit from. Not according to the ultrasound. I don't know. She say she was born that way. Don't you trust her? I mean, if she says that,

if she said she's always been attracted to him. But you know what? I think, now, I think, I think also that my daughter did not have a good example of what a man should have been because she always saw her daddy beating me. She was there when her daddy shot me.

She was there with all the abuse, all the half of the bitches I called him cheating with. My daughter took me to the house. Right. So her, her vision of a man at that time was like, she was like, I don't like boys.

I can remember her as a little girl saying, I don't like boys cause they hit you. Well, that there is that, um, that, that, that is a factor for sure yeah is that that

women that have been abused that have turned to gay relationships there's women that weren't gay when they were young or you didn't think they were gay when they were young they were they're involved in male-female relationships but they got they encountered so many assholes that they just wanted love and it's more acceptable for a woman to become gay than a man to become gay. For a guy to become gay, it's very difficult for a straight man. Y'all can't go back. No, they can't go back.

Yeah, your ass popped. That's it. Yeah, no man cares if a woman has lesbian relationships. It's nice. It's like you took a break from dick. It's like you're a virgin reborn. Men don't mind. They think it's hot.

Well, my daughter she's not she doesn't do that you know switching back and forth she's just strictly always have been i mean i can remember we started noticing like i said around middle school my we went over my super safe mother-in-law house and she she told my super safe she's super safe all she do is pray and this is what she told my husband she said y'all need to pray for this girl she got a gay spirit and so i told my because me and my mother-in-law at the time wasn't really tight so i was like fuck her and we need to pray for her wig because it's dried out but she had a gay spirit that's what she told my husband she didn't tell me that because i would i probably would have cussed her ass out.

How old was your daughter when she was born? My daughter was probably nine, ten. Whoa, when she was nine or ten. We was over at my mother-in-law's house, and when I got home, my mother said, Ashley has a gay spirit on her. Oh, my goodness. But if you ask Ashley, she says she's been gay since elementary. I mean, she says she knew when she really started liking girls in elementary. Well, what's interesting is

that you experience the same sort of thing that she experienced, meaning that your mother was abused by your father and that you saw violence and you saw a young pregnancy and all that stuff. But her reaction was very different than your reaction. You love men. Yeah, I've never been with a woman. So I tend to think she's probably, it's probably a little bit of both, you know. She's probably born, I mean, obviously people are born gay, right? I gotta assume.

I got some gay neighbors. I can't imagine these dudes with a chick. They're gay. They're gay as fuck. They've always been gay. Well, I've seen little kids that act like they're, you know, real young.

So I do believe that people can be born gay. I mean, if you see a five-year-old hitting a split, I like, I got a nephew. I got a nephew.

Hitting a split? Yeah, hitting a split. So stretching means you're gay? like he was a fucking girl. And I was like, oh my God, that baby is gay.

Well, hold on. Maybe just like Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. Let's throw some kicks. No. No. He was in a split like a cheerleader.

They was cheering. Ta-da. Yeah, ta-da. He was about five. But I have a nephew that I know that's gay. Okay. And he called me like when he was younger. I think he's probably 12 now, but he called me one day.

He started looking gay real young to me. He started looking gay real young? Like, how was that? Probably about seven. He just had those tendencies. And his mama would say, your brother, because he's my brother's son, your brother need to be around my son because he like my shoes, and he like my clothes, and he like my wigs.

So you kind of ignore it as just a boy, you know, trying to find himself. But my nephew called me a couple of years back and he was like, because he think I'm famous. And he was an auntie. Do you? I'm singing. I'm in a singing group. I said, oh, really? So, you know, you think that's a black kid. He'll be singing or a rapper. So I said, well, what you singing, baby? oh my me and my group be singing all the single ladies what the fuck i said he sings beyonce songs he sings be i say songs and rihanna songs and he be sending me gay ass videos i'll be telling my brother he's 14 and he fight a lot because my brother just told

me fight a lot at school because kids mess with him at school a lot. So I think he's gay. I just think, you know, I think he's gay, but he don't know he's gay. So once he finds himself and not worry about what other people think of him, then he'll come out to be gay. Like, I got a lot of gay people in my family. Interesting. It sounds like he's gay. I mean, he probably knows he's gay.

He's singing all the single ladies. And can dance. He can twerk like a pussy between his legs. You are... I'm telling you,

my nephew can cut a rug like a girl. He cuts a rug. Cut a rug. That's an expression you don't hear anymore. No. Cut a rug. Cut a rug. I was that's an expression you don't hear anymore no cut a rug

cut a rug i was like lord have mercy this isn't hilarious all though right that's me stretching yeah that's you that's me stretching yeah yeah see i could do a split oh does it make me gay no i don't make you gay that looks mad manly. I get confused. That ain't what my nephew do. Manly. My nephew sit on his balls. He sits on his balls. You know how a girl hit a split in her vagina right down the floor? You got your shit just spread like this. My nephew sit on his balls. This is a little kid that used to live in my neighborhood. He was gay as fuck, and he was only like five years old.

And his mother was trying to get him into football. It was hilarious. Like, they were trying to get him to do manly stuff, and he just wanted to play manly stuff and he just wanted to play with dolls and just want to play with girls and like his mother was talking to my wife you know and trying to like figure out a way like you know i just want to get him to get enough football i just think that if he's around more men and i i'm like oh no like she's in denial like she doesn't want a gay son it's like she you could tell she was like resisting this it was upsetting her and it was almost like she was like reaching out like to

try to get someone to say yeah yeah if you just get him in a football it's just uh that'll fix him yeah he'll just uh turn straight meanwhile he was like i love your toys can i play with you like he was gay he's a little gay guy you know she just she didn play with your toys? Like he was gay. He was a little gay guy. You know? She just, she didn't want to accept it. Yeah, he was born like that. Yeah, oh, he's born like that. Yeah.

I mean, there was a study they did in Rome, some Italian university, where they believe that with gay men, that it's a variation of the X chromosome because they found that women who were promiscuous, like ultra promiscuous, had greater instances of homosexual male sons. And so that they thought. I'm glad I didn't give up a lot. What they thought was that it's possible that some women like some people are just hyper sexual like there's just different levels just like there's different levels of intelligence and different levels of you know some people have great singing voices some people are just they sex feels better to them they're more attracted to it they want it all the time and some girls could not be with one man and when they found women who are just almost like chronically promiscuous and not just

promiscuous but would cheat on their husbands cheating their boyfriends and just fucked everybody they could those women had a greater instance of having gay sons and they felt like this is probably like there's a genetic factor they like so much dick it get passed down to the sun like yep yep yeah that it literally passed down i need to call my nephew mom and ask her do she like a lot do you like a lot of variety because my nephew honey he'd be sending me video i was like lord have mercy the videos i took him to disney world uh with my kids and you

know my son i have a 14 year old son so at the time they just been about three four years ago and so i got him there because you know kind of get them to bun because they cousin they don't get to see each other so my son come back so mama what's wrong with him i said what you mean we're wrong he just want to sit there and let the water hit his balls and stuff. Water hit his balls? What water? You know, they would go down in that walk-down pool. Oh, I see. Instead, my nephew would just sit up there and let the water hit him between the legs.

Smart kid. And my son was like, I think he gay. I said, shut the fuck up. He ain't gay. And now, look, he was right. I mean, he haven't came out yet. You're not gay until you say it. I mean, my daughter was not gay

until she told me over the phone we assumed she was gay well she was gay before that yes because she went to college just to eat pussy she went to college and lost her fucking mind just to eat pussy or she read a couple books i think her major was eating pussy. She lost her mind in college. Do you think you'd be more accepting of a girl, daughter,

a daughter being gay or a son being gay? Like if you, you think about your girl eating pussy, you know, I'm sure it's kind of, you know,

it takes a while to get used to, but dad, is that the same as your son taking it in the ass? God, Jesus. I mean, but dad, is that the same as your son taking it in the ass? God, Jesus. I mean,

I would think that that would be... I don't think you think of the sexual form part of it. I would think that would be on the hierarchy of sexual acceptance.

That would be a little bit more difficult. I don't know, Joe. I'm glad my daughter is not disturbed in a relationship. Right, that she's the woman

in a relationship. Yes, that she's the woman. What is her girlfriend like? Like you. Butch chicks. Yeah, butch chicks. She was dating a white chick. She just dumped her.

I liked her. Oh my God, I like this white girl. My daughter a whore. I told my daughter, I said, I'm so glad you gay because if you tuck as much dick as you eat much pussy, you will be wore out

wore out wore out it wouldn't be nothing no she just she just she is a whore whoa how dare not like that i mean she like she like i think she just got she switch them up too much switch them up too much yeah i'm tired of this hoe it's time to go on to the next one. Hmm. And she'd never say, they're my girlfriend. She'd say, these are my friends. So what do people say when they like a lot of sex? Everybody's their friends. That's what people say when they like a lot of sex? I think so.

I've never heard that before. I've never heard that before. From girls or guys? From girls. You know, when you're dating different, hey, you show up with this. When you see somebody with different people all the time, and then they have, like, maybe six-month relationship and three months relationship, and then you look up and they with somebody else.

To me, that's a person, that's a greedy-ass person. Hmm, I haven't noticed that. You know, one thing that guys do notice is when girls don't have any girlfriends, is when they only have a bunch of men friends. There are girls that't have any girlfriends. It's when they only have a bunch of men friends. There are girls that just have girlfriends. And to a gal, every one of those girls that I've ever met that just has male friends is just taking dick all over to the pleasure zone. Everybody done fucked them.

And on the sneak tip. On the sneak tip. We're just friends. We go play tennis. Yeah. Fucking in the car everywhere everywhere yeah yeah i mean i wouldn't know i don't do stuff like that i understand my my i i wasn't gonna treat my vagina like that i already started early that was a lot of stress there i shouldn't say to a girl because i do know some girls i should take that back i do know

now it's so popular where they'll sleep with their girlfriends. Is it so popular? Yeah. They don't give a fuck. They have a relationship with our girlfriends. So we just got high and tried something new. And like they hit each other on the ass. Like when my daughter was in high school, all the girls would hit each other on the ass.

And I'm like, where y'all get up? You know, you don't. Wait a minute. You say hit each other on the ass? Yeah. You know, like they spank their ass or hit their titties. Hit their titties? Yeah, they bump titties.

Is that really going on? Where you come from, Joe? You don't have teenage kids? I grew up in Boston. Oh, okay. It's too cold for titty bumping. Yeah. Especially titty hitting.

Yeah, they do all kinds of freaky stuff with each other. Really? Yeah, they kiss their girlfriend. I never thought about doing shit like that. That wasn't going on when I was a kid. It's porn, they kissed their girlfriend. I never thought about doing shit like that. That wasn't going on when I was a kid. It's porn, man. It's so popular now

because it's so Yeah, they don't have respect for themselves. Even when I'm a girl, I still won't get dressed in front of my girlfriend. Well, bitch, I'm going in this bathroom

and flip my panties over. They don't give a fuck. Flip my panties over? What is it, a pancake or a panty? What the heck is going on down there? What the fuck?

Are you making a steak? Are you cooking a burger? Some shit was done on the other side. Oh, Lord. So you turn them over inside out? You turn them over inside out? That's your remedy? That's hilarious.

I'm just giving you a visual. That's not a good visual. I'm just saying, girls don't give a fuck what they do these days. They don't give a fuck What they do these days They don't give a fuck I think Brian's right I think it's a porn thing Because the shaving Of the vaginas

When I was in high school Didn't exist Girls had jungles Down there And now every Not that I know High school girls Pussies these days

You're probably right But I would think That women today Like the reason Why they trim them Like that Is directly related to porn And like they will

Have sex now. Even when I started young, if you gave it up, you wanted a relationship. They don't give a fuck. You can have sex with me and they never got to speak to me again. I just wanted to try it out. Like it's a fucking ice cream and if you didn't like it, just throw it away. Wait a minute. There was a lot of girls that used to fuck and didn't want relationships, though.

Not where I come from. Indianapolis? No, I'm from Atlanta. So in Atlanta, when girls would have sex with a man they wanted a relationship in my neighborhood yeah they usually that was their boyfriend it wasn't just no random dude you know you would say that little lie are you gonna do you want to be my girlfriend check yes or no oh that shit yes so you that's what i told my baby daddy, even though he was 22 married. I wanted a relationship. And, you know, you give it up. You want it to be special. Now they just have sex and they don't give a fuck. I grew up where we had like girls that just wanted to fuck.

And there was like a sewer behind our apartment and all like the popular kids would go down there and they'll go inside the sewer and fuck them in the sewer. And they would just like line up pretty much just to was it a when was it a drain drain ditch type so it's for water it's not sewer sewer is where you your shit water goes this is like rain water it's like one of these huge tubes and it just emptied out into this big field but it never had anything in there so it would go way back in there and somebody put a couch back there at one point. And this was like... So you never had sex outside, Joe? Of course I did. Okay.

But not in the sewer. Well, my kid's father was married. The woods is normal. And he didn't have no fucking money, so we did it all the time in the graveyard. Graveyard's interesting.

Yeah, they're really nice. Nobody there. They're just looking. Yeah, I used to run in graveyards. I don't think about it. I used to do my road work because it would remind me that I was going to be dead someday. I was going to be under this ground. there they're just looking yeah i used to run in graveyards i don't think i should do my road work because i would remind me that i was going to be dead someday i was going to be under this ground

does not have any regrets well you that that's not true you can tell them to cook you and you just be floating in the ocean that's not what i mean i mean it's being around oh they cook you and you'll be floating in the ocean just being around around cemeteries, like, remind you that this is a temporary thing. That one day, you know, you'll either be dead in the ocean, floating around. Or somebody will eat you in the ocean. Somebody will eat you in the ocean. Or you'll be buried. Either way, the idea was that it reminded me.

I want to be buried on top because I can't breathe down there. I'm claustrophobic. So I want you to bury me on top of the ground. Oh, like they do in New Orleans? Yeah. They have those... Well, they do them in different places if you pay for them. Well, they do it in a lot of places where they have problems with the ground being underwater. Like, what are they called? Crips? I have no idea. Yeah. They make those things out of cement and they build them up.

So everything's above ground. When my mama passed away, I was 16, so I would go to a grave sometimes. So my boyfriend bought her a little tombstone and stuff. And I'd go out there one day with my silly ass. She got an ant pile on top of her tombstone. I'd go to my car, get gas, and set it on fire. What? You set the anthill on fire because it was on your

mother's tombstone yes and i was trying to get rid of the ants and i set it on fire you gotta so everybody's shit out there burning i'm about to get arrested so you so you were pouring gasoline just a little bit to kill the ant pile because it was huge. And I just could have, I wasn't thinking. I was young. Why was it on the stone? It wasn't, you know, like hers was flat. Okay. Like with the ground. Oh, I see, I see.

Like that. And so they had built up this big ass pile like where you on top. Uh-huh. Well, not on top. Like, you know, it was on there and I wanted to get it off. I caught myself cleaning her grave. And I go to my car, get just a little gasoline, set that bitch off. I go, whoop. And her boyfriend is buried next, get just a little gasoline, set that bitch off. I go,

whoop. And her boyfriend is buried next to him. So he burning, she burning. I'm up there trying to put this shit out. Her boyfriend was buried right next to her? Her boyfriend was. Yeah.

He bought, he bought the plot next to her. When did he go? I don't know. Cause after she died, you know, she just went to sleep and never woke up. It ain't,

she wasn't sick. I remember talking to her the week that she died because she said, come over here. I was selling drugs. So she was like, Rabbit, I need you to come over here and pay my light bill. Your mom called you Rabbit. Yeah. I remember going to the clinic with my mama one day. And my mama, she was illiterate.

She couldn't read. I love her, rest her soul. But she couldn't spell our names. So she said, Rabbit, how to spell your real name and so this kid overheard her and said your mama dumb she can't spell your name my mom said shut up bitch you don't know me i dropped out in the eighth grade but i was on the ninth grade level so i'm standing there like why the fuck did you say that that's stupid but because she was in the eighth grade on and 9th grade level? She probably dropped out in the... I don't know when she dropped out, but she dropped out.

Wow. Your mom calling you Rabbit's Dark. Why? Because it's your crack-selling name. Well, it wasn't my crack-selling name then. That was my nickname. Oh. It grew into my crack-dealing name.

Oh. Because you can't go on the street and name your real name. Everybody, you know, Pookie, Black, Maymay, Maymay. you know you know the shit they call us in the hood everybody got those films you watch those films yes okay boys in the hood things yes everybody got a nickname so how did you get rabbit then if it wasn't a crack dealing name what did where did rabbit i don't know they say i like carrots raw carrots when i was little but i've always been called rabbit wow so it was like before you can remember you were rabbit yeah wow we had a kid in school we called him onion did you have a nickname did you have a nickname joe growing up for anything never had a nickname

nobody your mama didn't give anybody a nickname no like i got four kids and only one of them got a nickname only because he's a junior you know it's the saddest shit? When people give themselves a nickname. Get the fuck out of here with that. I want you guys to start calling me the Turbo. That's like strippers. They give themselves nicknames. Yeah, but that's like a stage name. That's just so dudes can't be creeping on you.

I had the worst name. People called me Poof because my hair was so big. I had the... What was popular me poof because my hair was so big like i had like the uh what was popular that show that uh with uh 21 jump street no and the other one uh with uh dylan mckay or what's his 90210 yeah and i used to have like this kind of thing going on so everyone was like hey poof and took me a while to get used to how long did that nickname stick from like uh high school to when um all like high school. To when? All throughout high school? Yeah.

So five years you had poof? Poof. And then like once in a while somebody will run into me from my old days and be like, poof. And I'm like, oh, gross. You know, white kids really don't have nicknames. So they're giving their self a nickname to be super cool. No, white kids have nicknames. There's a lot of white kids with nicknames.

It's not as popular. As blacks? Yeah, there's a lot of white kids. I mean, black people. Yeah, I know a lot of white kids Who have nicknames? I don't Yeah, when I was a kid when I lived in Newton There was this part of Newton and still exists called the lake Newton North where everybody calls everybody mush and

It stuck. It's one part of the country. There's one part of the city There's one part of this one small suburb where everybody's like, mush, mush. We gotta go down this fucking thing, mush. We gotta get this fucking guy, mush. We gotta go to this movie, mush.

We gotta go get something to eat, mush. Is it based off of mush mouth? Nope. I was gonna say mush mouth too. It's like dude. It's like their version of dude.

It's not even insulting. Weird. Yeah. It still exists to this day. My family say, but dough. But dough? It's not a word.

I don't know what it is and i i didn't even realize until my husband called it my husband catch a lot of shit listening to me like use it in what way like you know but though over there but though come on but though let's do this but though but though but though my whole family say but though so they're talking about a person like calling you but though no it he's like it's over there Badoe but they're saying Badoe like to you like you're Badoe yeah like we're finna do a podcast Badoe yeah that's how we talk we all talk like that my mother's like why do y'all say Badoe and I was like we don't say Badoe and he's like yes you do say Badoe you didn't realize you're saying it you still say it

I do say Badoe do you ever say it on stage? Does it slip out? No, I say it with my family a lot. Wow. You know, because you don't want to go back in your family and think you're bougie. Do you ever listen to someone say, you know, so many fucking times you want to strangle them? I've been listening to podcasts lately and like and you know. Like, there's some people that don't understand. I mean, I've been guilty of it myself. But when you listen to it, you realize it.

Because it's a way of saying, uh. Some people say, fucking, this fucking guy with his fucking. And what they're really saying is, this guy with his, um. But they don't want to say, um. So they'll say, this fucking. Or they'll say, like, you know, it's like, you know, it's like, you know, this like, you know. And you're like, oh, my fucking God, please stop saying that shit. Yeah.

Comedians say that a lot. Yeah. When they thinking on stage. Well, sometimes it works. Like sometimes there's actually, there's a reason to do it. Like you're setting something up or you're allowing the audience to think along with you. I'm telling you, I'm almost like after every joke. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. Like, you know,

you're like, damn, motherfucker, didn't you rehearse today? Oh, fuck. Do you rehearse your material? Yes. You do? Well, you know,

I've been shot a couple times, so I need to get it going in my head. Not like in the mirror, like, I'm going to say this. It's not that bullshit. That's the most corniest. That's some bullshit there. I hate that shit.

Because when I first started, it was like, you got to talk to yourself in the mirror. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Who tells you you have to talk to yourself in the mirror? Fucking comedians who don't know shit about comedy. You know, just rehearsing. You go on stage. You sound like a fucking, you're giving a speech. And I was like, I sound robotic.

I don't want to do this bullshit so i just started you know stop that rehearsing shit i go over my set but i'm not gonna go in the mirror and then i said this and then i was shot two times and ducked no i ain't gonna do that bullshit do you write down all the different things you want to talk about yes because my mind is always going and i'm almost i'm always remembering shit from my past and so much going on in my purse you know you're a comic, so you definitely get a premise every day. So, I mean, you know, most of us do. Now, do you worry that you're going to eventually run out of stories about your life?

Sure, child. I'm going to run out of stories. I can't fucking wait to stop telling these stories, to move on. It's because it's going to be challenging. Right now, I'm blessed with so much to talk about. You know, a lot of comics don't have that opportunity. I see white boys ain't did shit. They mama fucking cat jokes and dog jokes.

And they mama do their fucking laundry. And I was like, shut the fuck up, white boy. And go rob a liquor store so you can talk about something. Yeah. You fucking blessed fucker. Yeah, you blessed fucker. Go rob a liquor store already. But yeah, I we all me prior i mean prior started off with his whole life and eventually he moved on to shit in his

current life right you know i have a current life a lot of the shit i talk about now is from my past but i still have a current life i mean that i haven't even really gotten to i could probably do a well we're working on an hour now that That's not even this only gonna show just a small portion of my current life Are you going to put together a comedy special soon? I'm working on it. I hope so. Yeah. Yeah, what do you like? Would you have a timeline? We're trying to do it like well I'm talking to my manager so we back and forth trying to get it together first. Mm-hmm Are you have you filmed anything? No. Nothing yet.

Sometimes it's good to just do a set somewhere, film it, and then just go over and say, I can expand on this. Do you watch yourself? Yes. The manager that I have forces me to watch and listen to myself. I never did it before, but it helps because, you know, I'm from the South. I can't talk about shit. I fuck up some words. And white people say, what did you say?

Yeah, but it's good. Like, when you fuck up words, it's like, it's fun. It's like, it adds flavor to it. Say, like, when I first moved from Georgia, and then I had this joke about my mom was like, my mom would say, set your hot cock ass down. Cock. Cock. Hot cock. Cock is a dick.

Right. But all these years, my mom been telling me to set my a dick. Right. But all these years, my mom been telling me to set my hot dick ass down. So when I was doing a joke in the Midwest and I said hot cock, and everybody like,

what the fuck? You got a cock? Your mother used to say set your hot cock ass down. All black parents say that. Set your hot cock ass down. Wait a minute. I guarantee you

all black parents do not say that. Down south they do. Down south. Set your hot cock ass down. Wait a minute. I guarantee you all black parents do not say that. Down south they do. Down south. Set your hot cock ass down. And I can call my brother right now. I'm googling that. Yeah. I'm gonna google set your hot cock ass down. I guarantee you I'm not gonna find shit.

Set your hot cock ass down. Hot cock ass down. Miss Pat. First thing that comes up mmm nope it's darkness first thing first thing you find is a Craigslist ad for Phoenix cocksucker wants to deep rim your ripe and that's's the first. I'm going to call my brother for you. You didn't know you wanted cock. Transsexuals.

What? Bareback City 8. This is the keep that noise down, your cock up. Come down my throat, you jizz, free porn movies. Okay, Joe. Yeah, there's nothing. My mama used to say set your hot cock ass down. Nope. Type in southern's nothing. My mama used to say, set your hot cock ass down. Hmm, nope.

Type in southern hot cock. No. I'm calling my brother for you. Okay, go ahead. I believe you. He might be fixing the car. It's not that I don't believe you. It's just that I think.

He's really funny. You want to talk to him. Southern cock. Answer the phone. He's probably somewhere fucking up somebody's transmission. Why, is he a transmission specialist? No, he's a fake-ass mechanic. A fake mechanic?

Yeah. What is a fake mechanic? Who tell you he know? So he doesn't really know what he's doing? Oh, he'll call me back. He say he fix cars, but really don't. I mean, he ain't went to school for it. He just be trying some shit.

So he just fucks around? He fixed my car one time. I had a SUV A Montero So I needed a head job So he told me Well the spark plugs Kept jumping out the engine

So They jumped out of the engine? You know they kept coming out Cause they needed He had stripped the The heads On my car Okay

So instead of saying Hey I fucked up your heads You know You need to get a head job This boy went On my back porch Got my barbecue spatula, broke that bitch off, stuck it in the engine, and screwed that gasket back down. So I was like, the car's still running raggedy. So I was like, fuck you.

You took my $300. I go to the dealership. $300? He took a barbecue spatula and attached it to your— You're lucky it didn't explode. Look, he said, look, I pull up to the dealership. I'm not lying. And the man take the thing out.

He said, ma'am, who put a barbecue spatula in your engine? I said, that motherfucker. And he charged me $300. He charged you $300 to put a barbecue spatula? My good barbecue spatula that cost me $20. You know them real long seven with the good handles? Yeah, the nice ones. Get away from the fire. Yes. Yes. long, simple, with a good handle? Yes.

He broke that bitch and stuck it in my engine. That is ridiculous. And I was like, why did you do that, motherfucker? He was like, I was trying to keep your spark plugs in your engine. That ain't how you do it. Did he learn anywhere? Did he go to school for that shit? He's getting better. Jesus Christ.

He's getting better. He's getting better. no more spatulas he's at the point where you can trust him with an oil change an oil change that's all i would trust my daughter with an oil change no just him because he's not that hard here's eight quarts this is where they go how fucking hard is that yeah but he is horrible i mean oh my god that's hilarious he's learned he's i mean it's hand-on training where does he do it all in the land he got a mobile business as soon as he mobile business as soon as he fuck up your car he changes his number no he doesn't does he really I got three Anthonys in here all over his phone number. That is fucking hilarious. So he just fucks up people's cars, changes his number, and just gets ghost. Get ghost.

Do you hear me? He told one lady. One lady said, one lady told him, she said, Anthony, you lied to me. You said you were going to redo my car. My brother said, look here, bitch. One thing I don't do is I don't lie. What I did was not tell you the truth he said she said bitch that's still lying right he is hilarious what i do is not tell you the truth yes but he said he don't lie

what's the difference nothing that's how stupid he is how did he start this mobile business of fixing people's cars because he a convicted felon we all got business we can't work nowhere so he just started working on people's cars

and just started bullshitting and figured it out along the way yes well my stepfather was a mechanic and so all my brothers like him and my brother

my brother Ant and my brother Tony they do mechanic work together right and so they just go out and my brother and Tony, they do mechanic work together. Right. And so they just go out and fuck up people's cars. But he fired Tony. Tony gets Social Security now, so he fired Tony. So it's just him by himself.

He fired him because he gets Social Security? Can't be a part of the team? He said Tony. You know, Social Security would only let you put in 20 hours before they cut your check i don't know why you find tony they fight all the fucking time so he's just had to be a lone wolf out there fixing cars yes change your phone shit after the spatula you put a fucking spatula in your engine. That is hilarious. Yes. And then he, well, I got it running.

Did you say you want it running? Yeah, motherfucker, but not just make it to the stop sign. Yeah, not with a broken spatula inside. Put a broken spatula. I took that shit to the dealership. That white dude could not stop laughing. And I'm like, motherfucker, you laughing, but that's my good $15, $20 spatula, and I'm out of $300 for a head job.

I thought I got. Wow. And so he never gave you the money back? Hell no. He got six kids. He got six kids. He got a set of triplets. And then he has a few more outside kids from his wife.

Outside kids. What are they like fucking f his wife. Outside kids. What? Yeah. What are they, like, fucking feral cats? Outside kids. They was kids that don't live in his house. Oh, they don't live with him. Yes. Oh, wow.

God damn, that is crazy. My family is crazy. You should go on a Miss Pat family tour, Joe. Well, Miss Pat, I think what's going to happen next, okay, what's already happened is you got a book deal. Yes. What's going to happen next is you're going to have a fucking reality show. I don't want a reality show. Oh, why not? I want a real show. I mean, what am I doing? What does that mean? You know, like, I mean, I don't, I ain't

going to say I don't want a reality show, but you want a real show like you want to act. Bernie Mac. Bernie Mac show. Yes, Roseanne. Right. I understand. That makes sense. And you would be great at that However What's really hilarious Is the true stories

And if you get You want me to put them people on TV Joe Who gonna tame that shit That's worse than Honey Boo Boo You don't have to tame it No But what I'm saying is The difference between

Like if somebody gets a hold of your life And starts turning into a sitcom script They're not gonna do it justice They're just not especially you get a bunch of white writers if it's cable even if it's cable they're really gonna be able to capture it yes they captured the wire yeah but that's different the wire is all fiction you know i mean no it's not i live that bullshit i don't know what you're talking about not i mean it's never happens happens I mean someone wrote all those characters

Yeah because he was a guy That was a reporter in that neighborhood That's how that came about Go google it What do you mean who was a reporter? The guy who wrote the book He was like a reporter Like he would go out with the police and stuff

When all of that stuff was happening This is what I've heard from my writer He just started to capture that stuff and ended up writing a book well i may i believe that but a lot of that stuff really went on in dc i'm sure it did i know i'm sure it did but the words that they put in their mouths was all created by writers and calculated and written out if you write if you write stuff about if you wrote if you wrote a movie about my past i mean of course you're gonna have to you know kind of, if you wrote a movie about my past, I mean, of course you're going to have to kind of twerk everything, but a lot of it would... Twerk? Tweak? Yeah, tweak, or whatever

you call it, twerk. You know, but a lot of it would be mis-past. Right. I believe you, but no better way to show the real people than to show the real people. But I don't want to be on TV looking like that. What do you mean, looking like what? Come on, a bunch of black people

can't talk fighting over a car game. That would be fucking hilarious. Yeah, for a little while. But it wouldn't be hilarious. Then here come

Al Sharpton and what is it the other black dude? Al Sharpton? Jesse Jackson? Jesse Jackson and all the other ones. This is not how,

I don't want to hear all that shit from them. You don't have to listen to them. I don't. They would only help you. They would only help you. They would only help you. You get to talk shit about them after they start talking. I talk shit about them now.

But you could be talking shit even stronger if they gave you a hard time about your show. Yeah, but I don't know. Oh, believe me. Well, I'm not telling you what to do. I mean, you do whatever you want to do. I mean, I would take. I'm not going to say I would take anything because I can't see me being the silly fat chick. That's not a role for me.

Well, see, the thing is, you don't need, the thing about a reality show is you don't need a role. You can just miss Pat's world and you could narrate it. You know, you could stand in front of the camera and go, we're about to meet my fucking brother, Anthony, who pretends he's a fucking mechanic. This stupid motherfucker put a fucking spatula inside my head you can tell that story the crazy family that's on TV now watch a lot of shows like family Duck Dynasty no not them Kardashians no it's a real sitcom modern family that's a funny show. Have you seen Fresh Off the Boat? No, but that's my friend Eddie Huang's story. That fucking

shit is... Eddie Huang. Dude, that shit is hilarious. He's hilarious. I had to go to the bathroom after watching that show. You had to go to the bathroom? And pee. That shit had my stomach working. I mean, muscles. I was laughing. Eddie Huang, if you ain't got nobody else supporting

you i watch that shit every week my husband record i i love that show it's only two episodes in but y'all need to watch fresh out the boat well it's based on the story of his life that he wrote and he is the narrator and there's a little boy who plays him what you want the rapper the rapper dude there was a little boy the young boy who plays him. And then there's Randall Park, who's a comedian and actor. He actually played Kim Jong-un in the dictator. Yeah, I'm talking about the funniest character is the little boy who thinks he's a rapper. I haven't seen the show yet. Well, that must be him. That's him.

Yeah, it's a little boy because he talks like a rapper. Eddie talks like he's from Brooklyn. He grew up in Orlando. That shit is funny. Your friend's show is funny. He's hilarious. He's got a great show on Vice too his show on Vice is called Off the Boat or Fresh Off the Boat

with Eddie Wong no that's on ABC no no no he's got a Vice show but with the same title Vice is this channel online vice.com

oh okay and he has a show on Vice that's him you know he's a cook he's a very famous chef okay yeah that's a cook. He's a very famous chef. Okay.

Yeah. That's what I heard. He's a very accomplished chef. And that's like what he does for a living. But he's a hilarious fucking dude. He's fucking. He's hilarious. That show is so funny.

And Empire. You seen Empire? I haven't seen Empire. It's really good too. Is it? Yeah. You just sit around watching TV shows? Well, my husband watches a lot of TV.

When I'm home. When you're home? Yeah. When I'm home. When you're home? Yeah, when I'm home. I try to catch up. There's time with my husband. You know, you have to do stuff that your partner likes. So he likes to watch a lot of TV, especially when his gout flared up. How does he feel about you going on the road all the time now?

Because you guys have been together for a while. Now all of a sudden you're the successful touring comedian. In the beginning, Joe, he was not supportive. Really? He did not think I was funny. together for a while now all of a sudden you're the successful touring comedian he um he's very he's in the beginning joe he was not supportive really he did not think i was funny whoa no he actually said i think you were funny because he said nobody i think it's the way he protect me because i was talking about my life you know oh i got a baby by married man and this moan shot me he's like and a lot of time a lot of those stories come out he's like what you shoot your wife in the chest for he's like i didn't fucking shoot her oh right right right so he didn't he was like the stuff is too dark for him and he still don't laugh but he's

supportive oh okay you know he tried to every now and then give me something to talk about and he helps me out every now and then so when he hears you on podcasts and you're telling stories he doesn't listen? Why not? I don't know. He only see me live one time. What? One time. What?

That seems crazy. He came to, I used to open for Cat Williams, so we was in Kentucky, and Cat has like 20-something thousand tickets, and Cat was like, your husband should come out and see you, and I was like,

my husband's never going to come see me. He said, call him up. I called my husband. Cat got on the phone and was like, I want you to come see your wife. I pay. I fly you and the kids. And he's like, well, we live in Kentucky. He said, well, jump in the rental car and I'll pay for it.

And he was like, you ain't got to do that. I'll come. So he came down there, 20,000 people. And Cat let me go out second. And everybody was doing 15 he said go do 25 for your husband and I fucking killed

and my kids said the whole time my husband was ducking in his chair like that like I hope she be funny I hope she be funny and that changed his whole outlook on me

yeah I would imagine shit yes 20,000 fucking people the first time you ever see your wife on stage. Wow. Yeah.

Wow, that's crazy. The first time he ever saw you on stage, 20,000 people. 20,000 people in the cast. That had to be so strange to him. Knowing you for so long. Yeah. Never came, never. And did you crush it?

I crushed it. Yes, I did. God damn, I bet you did. I bet you did. So he'll watch stuff Like you know I'm about to be on Comedy Central

Or Archie Fier So he probably Will record it And watch it When I'm not home Watch it when you're not home He doesn't want to be He doesn't want you

To be around When he's watching it I can't watch myself on TV Cause then you Oh you're fat You're sweaty Oh look at my neck You know

You're fat You're sweaty Oh look at my neck You You know. You're fat. You're sweaty. Oh, look at my neck. For some reason, it was hot in that damn place where we shot at. And I was sweating my ass off. That plays the strip club. Yeah, I know. That's Cheetahs.

That's Cheetahs in Hollywood. So I was fucking hot. And I was just looking at the preview. And I was like, holy fuck. I'm sweating. That's hilarious. That is hilarious. So I won to watch it.

What is it like working with Cat Williams? He was really nice. You know, I kept, it was 2012, 2012, I think. And the week I got the gig with Cat, my father had passed that Monday, and they called me that Wednesday to tell me I was going on tour. So my dad had canceled, and for his insurance policy to kick in full, he needed to be alive to August. He died in full, he needed to be alive to August. He died in 2011.

He needed to be alive to August 2012 because he had that type of policy. He had just moved, you know, with me. So he had that type of policy. He had to be alive for so long. And he didn't make it, and we didn't have no fucking money to bury him. So my husband was like, well, I'll just go on my save. And I was like, well, let me see what I can do. On top of getting all of my brothers and sisters up here to come to the funeral

because we didn't have enough money to ship him home. And Cat Williams heard me on the phone telling my brother, I said, well, wait until I get paid from this gig and I'm going to get y'all up here. But I still got to pay $9,000 for daddy's funeral. I don't know where the fuck it's coming from because they only gave me $4,000. Cat overheard me say that, went to the fucking room, and brought me like five G's back to bury my daddy. I had not hit the stage that night, not one time.

And he was like, here's your money. You know, go bury your daddy and come back. And I was like, you don't have to do this. I was like, I can pay you back. He was like, you don't owe me nothing. Don't know me from dick out of water. And he helped me bury my daddy. That's when people say something like

i was like fuck you i mean i i was i was opening for somebody on the regular and they didn't even offer a bitch flowers for my daddy i don't know my i don't know what cat williams but my take on cat williams like when he does all this crazy shit is he's so fucking funny that you have to be crazy to be that funny that's that's how i feel that's very fun and very intelligent you know you you see that character that he does but if you talk to him smart as hell i believe that i i uh had a um interview that i listened to that changed the way i prepare for shows and it was him he was talking about how he doesn't eat before shows and i i thought about i was like you know what i've eaten before shows and not felt good. Like I felt all weighed down by food. I'm like, that's smart.

So I'm going to do that too. So I give myself a two-hour window. I will not eat two hours before a show. The same window I give myself for like working out. It's smart. You know, it's a smart thing that he said. And, you know, he's talking about preparing. He has music that he listens to.

He do. Special music right before shows. He got holes rubbing his hands and his shoulders. But he's so funny. He is very funny. Like all the different shit that happens to him. He did this last special

when he goes, when you're standing next to Suge Knight and you're the one getting arrested. That's when you know you fucked up. Very funny. I don't like to hear people when they talk about you know people when they go through shit i was like because you really don't know you really don't know the situation you're just on the outside looking in you fucking internet thugs i hate that shit well there's always going to be people that love to cast rocks to throw rocks at

people that are fucking up that's what I'm learning in this business. What we were talking about before the podcast, before Brian showed up, people that are fucking with you, saying a bunch of mean shit to you. Somebody, like I said, coming to Central released my internet version, and somebody called me a black cunt, and I'm like, you's an ignorant bitch. A cunt don't even ring bells in the hood. You got to call me a bitch to get me riled up. A cunt doesn't work in the hood? No, we don't fucking cunt.'t even ring bells in the hood you gotta call me a bitch to get me riled up cunt doesn't work in the hood no we don't fucking cunt no no no bitch might get you slapped but cunt what the

fuck is a cunt i don't fuck you nothing huh yeah but you know i used to get work on white chicks yes it does i heard a white boy call a white girl a cunt and this bitch broke out i was like what the fuck is a cunt what's wrong so i had to go ask my friend why is she crying he's like that's like calling you a a uh in other n word i was like holy keep crying white girl you want me to help you whoop his ass i don't know why khan has so much of a power over white women but it does it doesn't affect black women bitch do but you know It doesn't work on white women in England

Everybody's cunt over there England and Ireland everybody calls everybody cunt. He's a funny cunt He's a funny cunt isn't he and they'll ask you a question miss Patch. He's a funny cunt isn't she? Oh, they only really say it about women though. It's more like a man thing. They're called men cunts Oh, wow. They don't really say it about women, though. It's more like a man thing. They're called men cunts. Oh, wow. But it's like almost a term of endearment.

Not over here for white women. Yeah, it's weird. It's weird how that works. White women don't like cunt, and they don't like crow's feet. Them the two things that pisses them off. Crow's feet. Yeah. You mean like the lines near your eyes?

Yeah. In what way? In the makeup shop, they are scared of crow's feet like a black man with a pistol. I see him in the makeup shop just filling them bitches in. I'm like, let it go, girl. It's OK. Let it go. Well, a lot of like blonde ladies, especially they have that that weird skin that gets real brittle and thin, like thin skin does not age well. real brittle and thin, like thin skin does not age well. Like one thing about black people and about dark skin people,

Latinos, especially they age better because they have like a thicker, like they have thicker skin, you know, Italian women, they have thicker skin. Like there's something about like white, really white people. They have that really thin skin.

I have a friend and he's my age and this motherfucker looks like he's 80 years old. Dang. He's fucking blonde. Too much sun. A little bit of sun, but deep, deep cracks all over his face and his mouth. I mean, he looks really, really old. It's weird.

It's weird when you're around him. It's like, wow, he's only 47 years old, and he looks like he's... I dated this girl that had such thin skin that every time she would take a shower, you could see her whole entire circulatory system or circularies. You know what I mean?

Like, every single vein going to her boobs and stuff like that. Well, that's newborn white babies. I used to be a medical assistant. That's newborn white babies. I didn't make this shit up. That is true, though. Some white girls with really thin white skin.

I didn't know that was thin skin. You could see their veins and their tits. And it was something about the shower. When she would get out, you could actually see the blood just flowing around her body. And I remember it was really concerned with the boobs. Really what? It was really concentrated around the boobs. A lot of veins going into the boobs and around the boobs for some reason.

It freaked me out. But you still fucked her, didn't you? I did. You got to do what you got to do. I used to be a medical assistant and they would bring the little they would bring the white babies in there because it was a white doctor's office right and um the little babies would be you could just get them naked and you they look like she's just running through them like something cut on and i was like holy fuck yeah you i mean it was really good when you got ready

to stick them because you knew not to hit the veins so you know you give them but it was really creepy yeah veins are creepy like I have zero veins so whenever I have to give blood they have to like stick it in there and grind around and try to find it and usually takes them like 10 minutes butterfly it's something you have zero. You just have high body fat content. Yeah, that's all they hide. Yeah. You lose by 10 pounds, your fucking vein will swim back to the top. Yeah, it's not. And the girl who was with the see-through body, she was skinny, right?

Yeah, she's right. Yeah. You can't see through my body. See-through body. Yeah, there's something about that white skin. Well, that's also this guy that I know that looks old. He's already gotten skin cancer, too. He probably tan a lot.

Well, not tan. He just goes outdoors and doesn't put sunscreen on. But he had a big chunk removed off of his head. Jeremiah Watkins just had a big chunk removed from his back. On his back, right? Who was that? Another white guy. A comedian had this huge chunk taken out of his back because he is that another white comedian uh had this huge chunk

taken out of his back because he had he had like a he just didn't do anything about it he had like this like a skin cancer like mole thing that started getting changing colors and i know quite a few people that have had skin cancer removed from their body you know malignant non-malignant benign you know whatever it is different kinds of like like cancerous moles super common my mom every couple months and i have so many moles that i should get this checked out i probably have it somewhere well go get it checked out because that shit becomes systemic and you're fucked well i'm glad i'm black yeah black people very rarely well bob marley died of skin cancer got it on his foot what yeah bob marley got skin cancer i believe it was between

his toes no yeah wait bob marley the manager uh was there's one of the managers supposedly killed him what i don't know hendrix you're thinking of hendrix hendrix yeah yeah the cancer that's killed is genetically different the uh this is interesting the skin cancer that's killed is genetically different. This is interesting. The skin cancer that killed Bob Marley is genetically different and is not caused by the sun. They've sequenced the DNA of a rare type of melanoma that caused Bob Marley's death. That's really interesting. Bob Marley died of skin cancer. Yep, it's called aqua melanomas, the rare type of skin cancer.

Yeah. And you couldn't get the toe off the side of the man. I don't think he probably knew what was going on until he got it. He probably thought it was diabetes. On his toe? Yeah. My mama had a sore on her feet, on her foot for years. And she tried to treat it herself with fucking vaseline and shit yeah the diabetes thing it's like a circulatory thing it's like a like uh

is doesn't it well it started she fell circulation and she um she it was a little sore and she just wouldn't treat it and it just kept getting bigger and bigger so when she finally went to the doctor they cut her foot off oh god they gosh. They cut her leg off. Ooh. Yeah, that happens to a lot of people with diabetes. That's so bad. My mama and daddy had one leg. God damn.

Jesus Christ. They probably have them bumping nubs now. You know, it's a weird thing, the diabetes. It's a scary one. It doesn't sound like a disease until you fucking get sick from it. Yeah. You know, oh, I got diabetes. It's almost like, oh, I got crabs.

As long as I maintain them, they won't kill me. Well, that's what killed Patrice. I know. Patrice, you don't die from diabetes. Yeah, overweight people, very, very similar. All right, Joe. Sitting there with nice chested ass, talking about me and Red Band about to die. I didn't say Red Band's about to die.

Oh, really? Just me? Just me, Joe? Well, that's why we're trying to get you a trainer. Trying to make you not pour too much coffee, sugar in your coffee. Well, what am I supposed to do with it? With what? Your coffee?

Yes. Put the buttercream you're trying to with it? With what, your coffee? Yes. Put the buttercream you're trying to give me? The Stevia stuff is good. Man, that stuff is poison. Stevia? All of it. How do you say that? No, that's fake. It's plant extract. Oh. It's not fake. It's a plant extract.

How do you know? Well, you know everything. You read. There's people that are concerned about stevia because they think that anything that's artificial gives your body this glucose response. And because it's not actually sweet or it's not actually sugar, that your body gets confused. But it's still better than diabetes. Whatever that fake. My take is if you get cancer from stevia, there's something fucking wrong with you.

What? Yeah, that's not stevia cancer. Somebody just said something about Splendor. They think Splendor is giving people counsel. Well, they do all those fucking crazy studies. One time they say, oh, get a mammogram every year. Now they're saying,

you can go three years without worrying about your titties. Three years? Two, three years without getting a mammogram now. That doesn't seem right. Yes. Some insurance only pays like every two, three years. I go every year. So the insurance company just doesn't want to pay for it.

Yeah, of course. Because your titties ain't sick, you know. How do they know your titties ain't sick? How do they know, Ms. Pat, that your titties ain't sick? Some little white dude want to save some money. Hey, cut off the extra money for titties ain't sick. How do they know, Miss Pat, that your titties ain't sick? Some little white dude want to save some money. Hey, cut off the extra money for titties. What happens when your titties get sick and you ain't got shit to suck? That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, so I take my titties in every year. Good idea. Aspartame is supposed to be really bad for you. That shit was connected to Donald Rumsfeld had something to do with that shit getting passed. Yeah. Aspartame is terrible. You watch that. What is it in?

A lot of sweeteners, a lot of diet sodas and shit. I don't drink diet sodas. I've just been drinking water. I love Chick-fil-A lemonade. Chick-fil-A is good. Chick-fil-a is good Chick-fil-a is the shit Everywhere I go They Christian people

That know how to make Some good chicken And have you noticed Their employees Are never ugly At Chick-fil-a? They don't have Ugly employees

They leave them To McDonald's And churches And shit like that I never noticed that Are you sure? Yes I've never seen

An ugly person At Chick-fil-a Hmm They keep them in the back Hmm My son ugly person at Chick-fil-A. Hmm. They keep him in the back. Hmm. My son, look, I love Chick-fil-A so much, my 14 year old son got a job there so I can get a discount. You told him to get a job there?

Hell yeah! I took him up there, hired him. That's hilarious. He got a job. How much of a discount? Is it really worth your son working at Chick-fil-A? 20%? Hell yeah! When you go two, three times a day. Well, what the fuck are you talking about this diet? You're going to Chick-fil-A.

They got grilled nuggets. Oh, they got grilled nuggets. So healthy. This is definitely healthy. Well, this is before I started exercising. My son's been there almost a year now. Oh, I see. I see.

Yeah. But teach him how to work. And be a little for the discount, but more to let him know that to get anything in this world, you've got to work for it. Right, including grilled nuggets. Yes. For mommy. Get mommy a discount. Yes, get mommy a discount.

Your first job is your mother's favorite restaurant. Can you say that about yourself? No, I cannot. Okay, well, that's historical. How do your kids feel about you being on TV and being a famous comedian now? Oh, they love it. And they love in our little white neighborhood.

They just love it. Do they? Yes. They must, right? Mm-hmm. That's got to make them proud. You know, I got two sets of keys, and I say this on stage.

I have a set of Medicaid keys and a set of Blue Cross Blue Shield kids and I have a great bit I'm working on about this but you know my Blue Cross Blue Shield kids live with me like they my kids like my first kids grew up they got free lunch was on welfare you know they was there with mama with the struggle well mom and daddy well you know now we're we well off we okay we ain't well off we okay we ain't ain't no real struggles like it used to be with my first son of kid so my my i call my blue cross blue shit kids like they won't eat free lunch they won't eat free lunch uh-uh and that's why they said that's for poor people whoa yeah they would not eat fucking free lunch and my daughter tell now i don't know if you got any teenager but

my motherfucking teenager lost her mind she told me last week and you know i don't even want to cuss my kids out because we live in the suburbs right my daughter gonna tell her mama everybody come to school with a starbucks cup i'm gonna need you to take me to starbucks at 6 40 so i can walk in school with with a starbucks cup, motherfucker, you better go get you a cup now and put you some hot chocolate in that bitch. When you get on that bus, it look like you been to Starbucks. I ain't getting out my goddamn bed to take you no Starbucks. What the fuck you think I am?

I ain't that type of mama to make you look cool. So everybody in school wants to look cool by walking to school with a Starbucks cup. Yes, all the white kids' parents get up out they fucking bed in Midwest in the snow and take they little white kids to Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts so they can be cool. Look what I got. Well, fuck you. You better get you a cup and reuse that, bitch. Act like you've been to Starbucks every day.

I got plenty of hot chocolate in the kitchen. Is it hot chocolate that these kids are getting or is it coffee? They get the mocha, wocca, all that old fancy shit they get the mocha woke up all that old fancy you know the strawberry super sweet mocha woke up frappuccino that's what my daughter i'm like you are a puccino that's so much sugar and yes and she already fat so i'm like you don't need this bullshit that is so bad for you yes people drink that and they think they're drinking coffee Like you're drinking A fucking shake

It's a milkshake It's a shake If you go to my Starbucks In the morning Or at 2.30 After the school's in It's just a line up Full of white kids

I'm telling you My daughter go up there To study What the fuck I ain't never studied Inside no restaurant A lot of people study At Starbucks

Every time I go there It's filled with laptops. It's ridiculous. Yeah, and it's loud. Well, they set up it. People wear headphones. They set it up where they have these nice tables. They have coffee right there, and it's free Wi-Fi.

And my daughter do study groups there. Pick me up from Starbucks. I said, look, I'm not built like that. Whoa, you're not built like a picker-upper from Starbucks? I'm not a soccer mom. I'm not hauling you any ugly-ass children around. I'm not a soccer mom. You better walk your ass down the street and I'll meet you.

Whoa. Yeah, she be want me to do extra shit. I don't want to do extra shit with your friends, okay? Wow. I don't want to do extra shit. I don't want to do extra shit. What do you mean by extra shit? Pick them up for study group.

Them motherfuckers ain't studying. You don't want to pick them up for study group because it's extra shit? Yeah, because I'm in the house probably in my underwear watching TV. So you don't want to get out of your underwear to take your daughter to study? My daughter's about to be 17 this month. I don't tell her to learn how to drive. She said, I don't want to learn how to drive because technically you're responsible for me until I'm 18. You guys are having those kind of arguments?

Yes. Technically you're responsible? She's telling you that you're... That's a difference. I'm between the Blue Cross Blue Shield kids. This is the Blue Cross Blue Shield. My Medicaid kid would have walked fucking home. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. So you're seeing the difference like a soft life.

A big difference. Yes. That's why you don't want to do that extra shit. No, I don't want to do that shit. Like, I'm telling you joe my husband before my niece moved in we would have to sit at the table my husband say you should allow the kids to vent personally i say fuck you if you allow them to vent yes we get at the table and hear what they did at school today i dropped out of school i don't give a fuck what you did at school first First of all, I don't. You don't care what they did at school? No.

They're not kindergarten. They're high schoolers. They're not smoking weed. They're not fucking. No. You don't want to talk to them? I talk to her every day. Hey, bye.

I'm going to my room to get into bed. That's it? You don't communicate? Joe, my daughter go on and on and on about bullshit that's what kids do i don't want to be a child i know and then such such got arrested for smoking weed and then such as such as on pill i don't know them motherfuckers i personally don't care i got real shit like i need to hit pay on my fucking computer to pay the bills i don't want to hear this bullshit you going through.

You know, such and such is having sex. My daughter's still a virgin, thank God. But I'm like, if you would start fucking, you would have something to talk about. Oh my God. I don't say that to her. So if she starts fucking, then you'll talk to her about some shit? No, I don't want her to start fucking.

What are you saying? What the fuck are you saying? I don't want to talk to her, okay? You don't want to talk to your kids. That's so crazy. But my husband listened to that shit. And yeah, Poppy, such and such got arrested. They on pills.

They getting high. So I asked, I said, are you getting high? No, ma'am. I said, well, shut the fuck up. Well, that's, you talking to kids, like that's part of raising kids. You got to talk to them. But Joe, I built a mama system. You just want to push them out the door?

Yes. Get the fuck out of my house. My husband listened. He's very patient. We have to set Joe don't have time for bullshit Because your husband This is his first set of kids

Yes And your second set of kids Yes Wow So we get at the dinner table And my daughter wanna just go on and on and on That's what kids do though They're developing human beings

I was told shut the fuck up You were told shut the fuck up Yes But you were also But I don't say shut the fuck up But you know all the different cycles That we talked about that you broke i know but come on joe be honest you really don't want to hear the bullshit but you do it because you're faking the parenthood no i mean i listen but i don't respond i'm like in my head i'm like can you shut the

fuck up nobody want to hear this fucking high school shit. Oh, God. You're talking to their human beings. That's what they're going through. I don't say this to her. Of course, it's not high school shit to them. It's their little lives. It ain't no fucking life. Your mom and dad pay for your food. We pay for everything.

I mean, all you're doing is living and making decent grades. No, they're alive. They're experiencing life. Yeah, okay. What do you mean, yeah, okay? You know, that's what my husband says. He's like, everybody wasn't raised like you. You're reacting to the way you were raised.

And you're expecting your kids to realize you were raised in a harsh environment. And your other kids lived a harsher life than they're living. And they should just shut the fuck up. That's what you're saying. I don't say that to them. But that is what you're saying. Yes. I don't want any of is what you're saying yes i don't want to hear that bullshit i don't hear no high school shit joe part of life i know i'm just saying she ain't gonna listen to this podcast i don't want to hear that bullshit i mean you don't i mean i can't even relate to your friend getting high i don't know your fucking friend well don't you i mean look if you were

talking to her and she was five years old and she was telling you these stories would you have the same reaction right you'd be concerned yeah but at 16 you're like you're on your own i mean i listen but i don't want to hear it i'm saying i don't want to hear the bullshit about who getting high who having sex and who this all she's doing is telling other people business but don't you want to talk to her about life don't you want to like i do talk to her so you do talk to her i tell you this with my second with my second son of kids my daughter is attached to her daddy like i mean he's the world to her so she don't really come to me we got that bond where we we deal with each other but we really don't get along what What? We're the same people.

You don't get along? She's very fucking funny. She's very snappy. She's very, like, okay. My daughter thinks she's smarter than me. And to her, she is smarter than me because I didn't have no kids at 15. I didn't drop out of school.

I didn't sell drugs. You know, she got a better life. So in her head, she's no more shit than I do. Let her tell it. She's smarter than me. So I didn't sell drugs. You know, she got a better life. So in her head, she's way, she know more shit than I do. Let her tell it. She's smarter than me. So I don't fuck with her. You know, I don't talk to her that much. So she judges you by all your past failures?

Um, somehow. I was just going to say failures. Your past. Like if she's talking about something, like she was talking one day about history. And if I don't know something, I'm not ashamed. I say I don't fucking know it. That's what my Miss Troop taught me. You know, if you don't know, then history and if i don't know something i'm not ashamed i say i don't fucking know it that's what my miss troop taught me you know if you don't know then tell a person you don't know the dumbest question is the question i asked is what i was taught so she was talking something about history and i was like what are you talking about she was like how dare you not know this i'm like uh bitch this is what i said to myself you know i got mad

because i'm like if i knew it i wouldn't ask you she said how dare you not know yeah how dare you not know this what was it she was talking about history something about hitler i mean ari is the first jew friend that i really knew but i mean jews the black people is just jesus christ we thought he was the only jew in the whole world. So when you talked to her about Hitler and you don't understand... Well, she was talking to her father

about history that day. And then she said something and she looked at me and said, what you know about history? And I said, I know three motherfuckers got killed in Chicago last night.

And she was like, that's not history. I said, where I'm from? And she didn't like it. She got mad at you. Well, she kind of got mad so she thinks she's smarter. So I asked her, I said, well I'm from? And she didn't like it. She got mad at you? Well, she kind of got mad, so she thinks she's smarter. So I asked her. I said, well, she was like, I'm so much smarter than you.

I said, no. She said that to you? Yeah, yeah. And I said, no, you're not. You can't turn cocaine into crack. Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit. You told her that?

That's what you said to her? And my husband's like, don't say that to the babies. I'm like, this motherfucker 250 pounds, this ain't no baby. Oh, my God. This motherfucker 250 pounds. This ain't no baby. Oh, my God. This motherfucker 250 pounds. This ain't no baby. That's the openness in my house. Oh, my God.

That's hilarious. You should bring her next time. Oh, Joe. You would love her. You would love her. I'm telling you, Joe. There will be no 15-year-olders on this podcast. No, she's 16.

She's 17. I don't give a fuck if she's 20. There will be no 15-year-olders on this podcast. No, she's 16. She's 17. I don't give a fuck if she's 20. There will be no under 21 on this podcast ever. No, you will love her because she knows everything you know. I do not want to hear you. She go on and on and on. You know what? I tell you, she's so fucking funny.

You think she'll be a comic? I want her to be. Do you? Let me tell you. So she told me the other day. Actually, she can write jokes. If I'm working on something, she's like, what do you let me tell you so she told me the other day like she actually she can write jokes like she give me if i'm working on something she said what do you think about this so i'm in the corridor the other day she said mama you remember the time you wanted i wanted you to go

to the children museum with me in indianapolis and i was like yes i couldn't go because i had a gig and she said at that museum it was crazy i said what each hallway represented uh uh a time in history like they started like at the 50s 60s so you know the whole segregation shit you know white people skiing black people down the street and then she said they had this little black man hanging and then they had she said did you know the kkk had albums and i was like what do you mean they're like yeah they made music they keep the keep the race keep black people you know all this bullshit whatever she was telling me then she said she got to the 70 hall it was you know all this bullshit whatever she was telling me then she said she got to the 70 hall it was the lsd she said she got to the 80 it was it was a

it was a term of rap music and um crack epidemic and you know teenage pregnancy and then you say you got to the last hall when they get on the way out the door was obama and she said all her white friends was like oh this is the worst hallway she's like oh did you not see that black man back there this is the worst hallway because obama's because a lot of republicans where we live at you know oh that's hilarious so they're upset that obama's the president and the kids are like that's the worst hallway out of all of them and my daughter's like did you not see that black man back there hanging and listening to that music? She is so fucking funny, Joe. And I said,

you sure you was at a children's museum? She said, when she saw the KKK hanging a black person, she's like, what kind of children's museum is this? Wow. So she's just fucking funny.

And she said, so some of her white friends was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry i'm so sorry she's like don't be sorry for me that's your history that's hilarious yes that's how funny she is there's a lot of white people in the midwest that are mad at obama huh yeah they they blame the country's woes on the president yes i don't you know i think i think I think with the whole Obama thing, I think some of them just racist. They don't want to have a black leader. Oh, for sure. So 100 percent.

Yeah. You know, I don't like using the race card because I say everybody ain't racist. I say some people are just assholes. That's true, too. I truly believe that. But there's a lot of people that actually are enjoying the fact that Obama is the president. So any any problem the world has, they can blame on this black guy. Listen to this. I had a dentist in Indianapolis, right? So, oh, Ms. Pat, I'm so Christian and I believe in God. Every time, I was probably his only black patient, maybe.

I know I was. So I go in there because he coached my son basketball he coached my son football team joe i go in there all he want to do is talk about obama i hate him and i hate him so i'm saying to myself why am i gonna keep letting you shoot me in my mouth and you get excited about obama and give me too much pain medicine and kill me so i stopped going i said because if you're a christian you don't supposed to hate, right? But every time I come in there, because I'm the only black patient, you always want to talk about Obama. I said, I don't give a fuck about what Obama doing.

I said, he doing like everybody else, fucking up. They all fuckers in the end. If you want to be technically, they all fuckers in the end. No matter which way you vote, you never going to be happy. No one has ever been a president where everybody thought they did a good job. Thank you. There's never been one. Bill Clinton got his dick sucked. Everybody had a problem with that. Why? Why? You know Hillary was through sucking dick at the time. Why are you going to knock a

man for sucking dick? Getting his dick sucked. If somebody come out my house and help me suck dick, I'm going to agree. You can help me suck dick, just don't fuck him. Just don't fuck him? Yeah. How come? You can suck his dick, but you don't fuck him just don't fuck him yeah how come you'd suck his dick but you don't good girl what is the uh what is the rule there how's that work just please explain you can't you can't fuck him you know then you cross the line but you do it you sucking his dick you're doing stuff i really get tired of doing i don't want to do it beautiful that's why hillary

didn't get upset okay bitch you got a sicko that's stuck up your ass. I'm cool with that. Imagine if that was the case. Like, you know how you can go and get a massage and no one gets upset? What'd you do after work today, honey? Oh, I went and got a massage. Nobody gets mad at you. But if you're like, I gotta get my dick sucked, it's like, whew.

Yeah. That would be beautiful. It would be. What a beautiful world we live in. Yeah, and that's why I tell them, I say, nobody's got, they're never gonna please us. I watched a document not a documentary speech the other day that Monica Lewinsky gave about about you know like being today about you know all the people that judged her and she's still talking about time but I'm

like you're still talking about it today like that's like like Jesus Christ like yeah I understand it was a big moment for the country Beyonce put her in a did? Yeah. A bunch of people put her in a song. She was talking about that in the speech. But it just, something seemed like ridiculous that she's still talking about it today. Do you think being her that she, I got extra practice trying to be the best dick sucker because she knows in the future every time she sucks a dick, that's going to be a thing? Oh, it has to be. Yeah, it has to be.

So now she's like gagging and... I mean, any guy that dates her, if she doesn't blow them, they're going to be so upset you know like oh it has to be yeah she's like gagging and i mean any guy that dates her if she doesn't blow them they're gonna be so upset like you blew the fucking president you won't blow me everybody knows you suck different that's the type of dick you suck presidential dick yeah but then you know that the guy knows that he's like below but if she wasn't around her mouth she would have had so many perks huh if she didn she didn't run her mouth? Yes. I don't know what the fuck she'd tell for. What did you tell for? Everybody be fucking the president or fucking in that

White House. Everybody cheat. That's what they do when they go on them fucking meetings. They all go out and buy pussy. Tap their feet in the bathroom or do what they do. Whatever the fuck they do. That was that Larry Craig guy. That was gay sex though. I don't give a fuck. They go out and get what they like. So, I mean,

why you running your mouth? Why did you run your mouth? Did we really have to know that Bill Clinton fucked you, Monica Lewinsky? I would have never fucking told. Do you know she probably still

could have been getting a check on the side to this day? Probably. You don't tell on them type of people. You tell if you fuck Ray-Ban. You know, Ray-

Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban. You tell on them type of people. You tell if you fuck Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban? Ray-Ban. Ray-Ban. You tell on some shit like that. But you don't tell on a president. That's the secret you keep. Well, I think she was telling her friend, and her friend recorded the conversation.

Her friend threw her under the bus. The ugly girl with the long nose. Older lady who was angry. Yeah, who wasn't getting no dick. See, that's why I say if you are a single woman, you don't have bitches that don't have a man. Because those are the ones that's always trying to tell you about your relationship. Oh, you shouldn't take this. Bitch, you ain't even got no man.

Shut your lonely ass up. That is true. Yes. That is true. It's always the girls that have no men and have terrible relationships. When they do have men they want to give their girlfriends some sort of and oh debbie says oh fucking debbie i have a friend like that i always want to tell me oh you shouldn't take this or you bitch i've had health

care for over 20 years you don't shut your medicaid breath ass up you ain't got no man i don't i tell people i don't fuck with single people because they'll have you thinking their way. Then you be up here a lonely old motherfucker. Well, there's definitely some people that want people to break up because they're single. That is a fact. There's definitely people. Or they want what you got. There's that too.

Yeah. As soon as you leave him, then you look up and she blowing him. Well, you told me not to accept that. You told me not to give him head. No, because this bitch was waiting in line to give him head. I can't believe you're saying this. What? But you're right.

I know I'm right. No, I know I'm right. You don't tell nobody how good your man put it down. You tell your girlfriend that, then her wheels get to spinning. I might need to go try that. Really? Yeah. How common is that?

Very common. Amongst women. How common is that? Very common. Amongst women. Do you think women covet their friends' men? I didn't want to. Well, huh? Do you think women covet their friends' men? Like, you know, like a girl that's hanging around with you. You're talking about your husband.

Yeah. She's like, hmm, I should get this one. Yeah. If you say it's good, he can eat. Eats pussy. Yeah. Steal it from his pet. And you can't steal shit from me.

My husband ain't doing shit with me, so he ain't going to do shit with you. Have your ass watching Empire. He got a job. That's hilarious. It's the ones who are broke that you got to keep an eye on, right? Well, yeah. The ones who sling that delicious broke dick. Delicious broke black dick.

Miss Pat, I got to get the fuck out of here. Me too. right well that delicious broke delicious broke me too this is beautiful though thank you thank you very much and you're so your episode of this is done happening happens next week next week next Thursday the 26 next Thursday 26 is on it 1230 is that what it's on yeah at night and i'm taping marin's show this week oh tv show beautiful beautiful um people can get you a comedian miss pat on twitter we need to get that other miss pat i'm tired of spelling comedian wrong okay i don't believe in that word by the way i don't believe in it it's like comedian no you're a comic you're a goddamn stand-up comic all right okay you don't need to be a female comedian. Like, what is that?

That, like, categorizes you. Yeah. You know? And I don't do no females topics, really. Well, you're a fucking comic. I'm a comic. That's what I'm saying, right? You need just Miss Pat.

M-S-P-A-T. There's some person that has it, and it's fucking, like, one tweet. It's bullshit. They have no followers. Their tweets are blocked, too.. Can't even read their tweets. Probably because people are bombing on them. Give Miss Pat her fucking name. That's probably what's happening. I'm going to look into that. I didn't know you could do that.

I will. Wednesday night we're at the, oh Wednesday night sold out of the Ice House. Very few tickets left for Thursday night at the Ice House. That's it. This weekend, Portland, long sold out. Tough shit. No chance.

That's it. There's some other dates that I put up on the books really recently. Dallas, the Majestic Theater in Dallas, that's coming up. That is March 13th. And then there's a New York City one that's in April.

Just figure that shit out on your own. JoeRogan.net. Brian, you got anything going on? Vancouver 420. Vancouver 420. A good place to be at 420. I'm at Morty's Comedy Joint March 26th through the 28th in Indianapolis. And also I'm at

the casino here. Out here? Chumash? No, I forgot the name. Yeah. Out here? Chumash? No, Congo or some shit. Congo? Morongo? Morongo!

When's that? Friday. This Friday? This week? What is your website? MissPatComedy.com. M-S. MissPatComedy.com.

There you go. Beautiful. And I'm coming to see you Wednesday. All right. Beautiful. All right. Thank you, my friend. Thank you, baby. Miss Pat, ladies to see you Wednesday. All right. Beautiful. Thank you, my friend. Thank you, baby. Miss Pat, ladies and gentlemen.

Good night, everybody.