The Joe Rogan Experience - #615 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: February 19, 2015

Greg Fitzsimmons is a stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

the Joe Rogan experience yes we're back ladies and gentlemen with Greg Fitzsimmons. He's writing a letter to Santa right now. Please. It's not too late. Next year. It's always next year. I was thinking about Santa with the elves. Isn't there a funny metaphor that he's got all these little elves working to make children's toys for no money,

and then you think about our toys do come from China? That is kind of fucked up, but Chinese people aren't elves dude their children how rude their children are making the toys yeah little elf children that is kind of fucked up yeah the whole idea of getting a bunch of people to work for way less than they would ever make here is kind of a weird accepted thing that we have as far as like our items, our electronics, and the things that we love. Like almost all of them are made by people

in another country working for shit money. That's NAFTA, man. We opened it up. Is that what it is? The WTO too? Yeah. World Trade Organization. Yeah, it's basically, you know,

there used to be slavery. And with slavery, you paid the help nothing or very little. And you had to house them and you had to feed them and there used to be slavery. And with slavery, you paid the help nothing or very little. And you had to house them and you had to feed them and you had to heal them. You go to a third world country, it's slavery, but you don't have to deal with any of the overhead. Yeah, because they don't really care if they own you all the time. They just care if they own you enough so that you show up and do what you have to do. Like the idea that you're just free to wander around and quit and come back,

but if you keep them in economic slavery, they're essentially always going to be enslaved. Well, that's what Mark said. Capitalism depends on a certain percentage of the population being hardcore unemployables, so that you can always say there's somebody else. Ooh, that's weird. It's weird because I like the idea that people can always say there's somebody else. That's weird. It's weird because I like the idea that people can do whatever they want them to do with their life.

They can make whatever choices they would like to make. They can take on any job they want. But it's strange when you think of someone who's so far ahead of the game. Like some Warren Buffett type character. Not him. I don't know what kind of business he owns. Sam Walton. Some dude.

Let's make up some fucking billionaire character. Right. Who decides he can make X amount more per year if they open up a shop in Guatemala. And they just close up that one they have here in the States. A little too pricey. This one's going to make us X amount more on the on the dollar yeah and probably he will never even notice it he will oh it's a fucking it's another zero in a column and in one of his and a crazy thing is is that you know i don't know i'm not super wealthy but if i was i would really be thinking about a different agenda than making

more you know you really look at the people that create um you know an economy within their own country or within their own community and uh at the same time live the life that they they'll never fucking eat that money up anyway yeah i mean look at you you got your own little and your little economy you got a little podcast coming off yours and you got people that work for you and comedians that you bring on the road and, you know, it's everywhere. It's almost like, you know, I hate that expression that Obama used when he was running, when he was in office about small businesses. You didn't do that alone. You didn't do that by yourself. Right. But the reality is his point was right. And it's's right with everything like you can't sell

iphones if no one shows up for work at the factory right if everyone goes fuck you you can't pay me 25 cents an hour fuck you then we don't have iphones anymore yeah but because we know that these people are poor not we we're not we don't have any iPhone factories. But because they know these people are poor, they can continue doing that. Yeah. That's so weird, man. That's so weird. They're jumping off the buildings so much they have nets around them. Is that right? You didn't know that?

No. Oh, my God, dude. The Foxconn factories are terrifying because those people live there. They have dormitories there. They eat there, live there, sleep there, and they have nets all around them and this work is really weird you know there's always going to be people who on the hardcore right will always argue towards whatever is like economically best for for the company yeah you know they'll somehow another come up with some justification for what kind of damage tapping an oil well do or oil spills or this kind of shit. But this guy said to me, he goes, well, you know, if you look at the numbers, it's actually very similar to the number of people that commit suicide in an overall population.

Because you've got to look at it. There's like 500,000 people working at this factory. Yeah. Or some crazy number. I just made that up. We should find out what the actual number is. But it's some nutty number like that. You're talking about there's one factory complex that has a half a million people there?

I don't think it's a half a million. I made that up. Right. But it might be 50,000. Yeah. Whatever it is. There's so many people that work there that the amount of people that commit suicide on the job is in proportion to a normal city.

Right. Which is okay. I get it, but how many people kill themselves at work? If I was going to go down, it'd be at my job. I'm taking a couple people with me. I really think suicide is... The only reason I would kill myself

is that I wanted to kill some other people and I don't want to do the time. God damn. That's what a lot of people do and I don't want to do the time. God damn. That's what a lot of people do when they know the jig is up. Yep. Just put that gun in their head. Bam. How's that feeling?

Imagine that moment before you committed suicide. Jesus Christ. How high your heart rate would be pacing dealing with your own mortality. The biggest question. And we both know people who done it right you know I know two people did it I know one guy that did it pretty well I knew him pretty well he was a really nice guy it was really disturbing it really hurt like you know you hear that someone was in such pain

they put a gun to their head yeah're like damn i really like that guy like that's fucked like i don't know what tipped left or right in his uh chemical makeup or his life you know situation and circumstances whatever it was but god damn that's a that's a sad sad thing that the game gets so far gone that you're like i just gotta pull the plug i just gotta flip the board over. This is never going to work out. Because the instinct to not kill yourself is so strong that the pain that would make you do it must just be something you can't imagine. You know, I've talked to quite a few people now with what you would call depression or have had depression and overcome it or have had uh you

know any sort of mental issues and how to take medication for it and overcome it and uh i i just think we vary so much man i think human bring our minds and what we can our norm what makes us happy like whatever whatever your state is that what you need to achieve to get out of like the muck, like the down feeling and what another person needs to achieve. It could be very different. It's just like everything else, like people that are tall, people that are short, freckles, whatever the fuck it is, we vary so much that we got to be really careful when we look at like, how could he do that?

He had such a good life. Like, yeah, might have been a good life for you on the outside. Right. But that guy was in like some sort of chemical hell all the time. Yeah. With the exterior, maybe doesn't have much to do with the interior. I mean, if you talk about the statistics of people committing suicide, I wonder if it's not about the same in the lower class as it is in the upper class.

I wonder, you know, I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't know if that's really the factor. Cause I think there's quite a few people, like they said, Mexico is one of the happiest I wonder you know I mean I don't I don't I don't know if that's really the factor because I think there's quite a few people like they said Mexico is one of the happiest countries on earth and it was also like not a very wealthy country it's a community yeah there's I think there's there's a benefit to that that we don't recognize because we're so wrapped up in the idea of accumulating money accumulating dollars, that we forget like that's only part of wealth.

Like the really intelligent wealth is keeping the vibe good as long as possible. Whether it's happiness with friends, happiness with coworkers, happiness with what you do for a living, pride in your accomplishments, whatever the fuck it is that it takes to keep feeling included in a group of people. That's huge. That's huge for everybody. People have always wanted to deny that. Everybody wants to be the rugged individualist, but that's stupid.

Well, that's our whole mythology in this country. It's the guy riding off alone into the sunset. That's America. That's the cool guy in every movie is the guy who doesn't need the chick. Right. You never see him with a buddy. He's got one black buddy, and that guy dies in the first act. Yeah. that's the cool guy in every movie he's the guy who doesn't need the chick right you never see him with a buddy he's got one black buddy

and that guy dies in the first act yeah somehow or another he just gets on a horse and is like I gotta go just gets on a fucking horse

did you see that commercial and I would rarely quote a commercial I think when it's funny but it's like this chick and she's saying bye to a guy and it's an insurance commercial

no and she's in like a big prairie dress with a bonnet and he's the real cowboy and he's putting his hat on and he's like uh i gotta go off into the sunset and she's pulling his leg no no and then he rides off towards the sunset and then he just falls off his horse it's just so fucking immediate so funny that is funny um, but that's it, man. Being loners, it's an important thing, I think, as comedians, obviously. That's a solo craft. Podcasting is a solo craft.

But at the same time, to feel part of a group. And I think you and I have both gone to the comedy store. It's become part of our lives. Mine for the first time. Yours for the second Store. It's become part of our lives. Mine for the first time, yours for the second act. And it's like a great feeling to be doing your solo thing, but you're surrounded by other people that have the same background and are following the same path. And you know, you really feel very included there. Yeah, it's a really good vibe. It's a way better vibe than it was the first time I was

there. Yeah. It's a it's a way better vibe than it was the first time I was there. Yeah, it's like I really believe is the internet I mean, I think the internet has Inspired more people to try stand up that were on like maybe the right frequency to write to become a comic They recognize their own personality all the shit that we talk about that's wrong with us Like oh, maybe I'm just a comic like maybe like I might be able to do that. I make people laugh at work I might I'd literally be able to do that i make people laugh at work i might i'd literally be able to do that i think more people were inspired by that and then also when you hear a bunch of comics doing these podcasts talking about comedy like as an art form and what's

involved in it and you kind of get a sense like this guy described it to me and he became an open mic or now he's actually a working comic he started out doing it from hearing us talk about it on the podcast he's been doing comedy like i think he said like two and a half years now but he said it's like taking a master's class in comedy he listened to bill burr talk about how he writes jokes he listened to greg fitzsimmons talk about the differences between his act now and his act then where the errors are you get joey diaz talking about like how he learned to let go and how he had fear when he was on stage you know he's worried about people accepting him and one day he was like fuck you and i remember that turnaround for joey this is like radical turnaround where he was always really funny off stage but he had a hard time

being funny on stage and then it was like like 99 somewhere around then 98 99 boom he figured it out yeah just like out of nowhere right he went quicker than i've ever seen anybody go from having a hard time on stage to destroying yeah like i remember he gained a lot of weight coincidentally at that same time that was how didn't give a fuck he got yeah that's when he went from like 210 pounds to like like over 300 pounds like in a year but god damn was he funny yeah yeah i've seen it happen with guys and uh you know like jim norton man he haunted the comedy seller in those clubs for a decade you know 12 years something before he got any real traction and then when he when he found his voice i mean

the guy is he's just great he's phenomenal yeah he's a really good comic man i saw him in austin and it was a good thing for me to see because i was doing sets that maybe were like too long yeah and he did like 55 50 55 minutes just murdered it i'm like that's a good amount of time because you don't get tired of a guy you know like i know and people are tired of hearing me talking yeah going but you always feel like there's this borderline between wanting to give them their money's worth and just like even a great movie sucks after three and a half hours or whatever it is for comedy an hour and ten minutes

or whatever the number is but seeing him in Austin was great because I hadn't gone to like a show like sit down and watch a show in a while it always been like I'm at a set oh who's on you know oh Bubba Buzz on oh let's go peek in real quick.

But to sit down and watch the whole show. His whole set was really fun. Yeah. It's really fun. That is weird to sit down. I just was in Vegas with some friends and Stephen Wright was playing so I said fuck man. How was it? It was great. It was great. God damn.

He was doing a lot of new shit and just you know everyone was high of course and it was just this perfect match and then uh he hung out with us after the show for a while i told him my friend my friend got so baked he fell asleep during the show and so steven came out he goes how'd you guys like the show and i go my friend dan fell asleep and steven wright could not stop laughing he's like because he's he's been on my podcast and he's just like in all the years I've done this I've never had anybody like throw somebody under the bus like that and he just kept talking about it for like 15 minutes it's a funny thing

like about people don't want to admit they were asleep all right all right you know I fell asleep during your show you're in Vegas Of course you fall asleep You've been up for 72 hours It's the first time you sat still in 72 hours And Stephen Wright That's not like a Kevin Hart Like a lot of explosion Stephen Wright is the guy

I used to work In a fire hydrant factory Couldn't park anywhere near the place. He was like the first Twitterer. He was! You know? His comedy was Twitter comedy. Like, easily, he would have been a monster on Twitter.

Yeah. If he put just those jokes on Twitter. Yeah. But then they would, you know, you would ruin the bits. Yeah, maybe he should go back and just take all the shit he never put out and just start tweeting it. Because you know that guy doesn't tweet. He probably doesn't give a shit. Well, didn't he write it?

He was tweeting a whole book. Oh, really? Yeah. He was doing this weird thing where he was tweeting a whole book, 140 characters at a time. Damn. That's really cool. I love that idea. Yeah, I think he would write

like a new 140 characters every day. Oh, he wasn't just like he wrote it and he was releasing it. He was actually... I don't know. I don't think so. I think he was doing it like... How was he doing it?

How many tweets a day was he doing? He probably had a limited number of tweets he was doing every day. Yeah. He explains it on Conan. He explains it on Conan. We can't play that, though. We'll get in trouble.

Yeah. But whatever it is, he tweeted a book. He's such a fucking weirdo. That's amazing. He's the guy, man, that changed Boston comedy. That was the one guy that changed the whole scene, at least if you listen to the guys that grew up during that time and that Fran Solomino documentary.

When stand-up stood out. It's aino documentary. When Stand Up Stood Out. It's a great documentary. Yeah, it's really cool. Especially for guys like us because it was like the generation right before we started. Yeah, it really let us know how lucky we got.

You and I have talked about this before, but we came along at the perfect time ever in the history of comedy, except maybe now. Now it's a pretty goddamn good time. Yeah, they're making a lot less money now. Me and you were making money right out of the gate. Hey, you got a car? You got 10 minutes? Here's 50 bucks, kid. There was so many satellite rooms. We were living in Boston and we could go in any direction. There

was probably two or 300 rooms, right? Between Boston Comedy, between Sherry Hirsch, between Norm LeFoe, Billy Downs, Billy Downs, Paul Barkley. They all had, like, Boston Comedy,

Barry Katz's organization had many, many, many rooms. Barry alone had 50 rooms, probably. They had so many rooms. So there's,

I mean, maybe exaggerating saying hundreds, but it was more than 100 rooms all around this area. And so we could just go to a different place all the time. They always needed comics. And if you were a good comic and you were reliable,

and again, if you had a car and you would pick up the headliner, you would literally call a guy like Mike Clark and he would fill seven weekends on the spot in one phone call. And then you'd call Barry Katz, and he'd fill seven weekends. And like, you know, in a week, you talk to five agents, and your year is booked six nights a week. And then all you got to do is play softball,

go to the movies, and drive to the gig at night. That's, a lot of guys fall into that. Mike Clark had some of the craziest fucking gigs, dude. I did a restaurant for him once I was the one opening week and it never happened again after me it was it was one of the worst and it closed I opened and closed it because I told him how it was set up and he agreed that they couldn't do a show there oh yeah you just literally can't do a show there because you do stand up at a lounge first of all nobody told these people there's gonna be stand-up so they're sitting first of all. Nobody told these people there was going to be stand-up.

So they're sitting there waiting to get seated. It was the biggest seafood restaurant in this part of the Cape. So there would be this giant fucking room where people are seating, waiting for them to call their seat and their name. Oh, no shit. name. Oh, no shit. So when they're calling their seat and their name or their, uh, their name and their, you know, Johnson party of six, they're doing it on the same microphone as you. So you're on stage, you're on stage, I'm on stage. And, uh, it became a joke after a while. I'm like, this is like truly hilarious because you'd be right. And I'm telling her Johnson party of six, hilarious because you'd be right and i'm telling her johnson party of six your table's ready johnson party of six your table's ready johnson johnson party of seven you're like oh my god

i mean i'm not joking man because they're not even in the same room as you so they have no fucking idea they're not even the same room no no no this is a big place so like you're in this giant lounge area with these families they You're talking about blowjobs. And these families are like, what the fuck is going on? It's surreal. It's so surreal. And in the middle of your act, just right in the middle, out of nowhere, there's six birds and Johnson, party of six, your table's ready.

It was the worst. It wasn't the worst because the people were friendly. Can you imagine, just go back to that same place now, and you know it's the same restaurant with the same PA system, the whole thing. Bring cameras and film your one-hour special with them calling for Johnson Party of six. Try to work around it.

Just work the Johnsons. They're heading into the family. Hey, nice jacket. Well, you know what? If people knew you were filming, though, they would come up with stupid names. Yeah. Just so someone would yell out their name.

Dick Hurts. Mike Hunt. Party of six. Your table's ready. Mike Hunt. They would probably hate that kind of comedy out there. Even no matter how famous you get. There's like a really conservative part of it. Oh, yeah the cape is very family it's very norman rockwell

tight yeah buttoned up right they leave the cape and my friend dated this girl from the cape she she became a whore and a crackhead she was this sweet like preppy girl from the cape came from money moved to Venice Beach. And all of a sudden, she was getting skinny. And all of a sudden, she had a herpes virus on her lip. And he got it from her. Jesus. And then he found, I think he found an ad.

Like, she had the newspaper with the classified section where she had put an ad. This was back before the internet, for herself. And she was... Selling herself. S for herself. And she was... Selling herself. Selling herself. And then she came by. And then so they broke up and she came by like a year later with another dude. She weighed like, you know, 90 pounds.

Wow. All from the Cape, huh? From the Cape, man. Well, there's a lot of sheltered people up in that neck of the woods. It's beautiful, though. Oh, it's great. God, it's so nice in the summer especially and in the winter there's something about it it's just so gray and the water is so

unforgiving you know it's there's something cool but even being cold walking around the beach in the winter was always weird for me i enjoy it you look at the trees and with no no leaves on them and they just look strong everything is strong because it's just getting battered by wind and cold. It also gives you this sense of cycle that I think we miss out on a bit of here. I think the cycle of seasons is much more normal than no seasons. And what we're doing is we're sort of adapting our perceptions of nature on this really unrealistic spot. Yeah. You know, a spot where it fucking never rains.

It's stalled out. Yeah. I mean, it gets kind of hot for a while, but just go near the water. You'll be fine. No, you need the cycle. In my house, we celebrate my wife's menstrual flow. You know, change clothes. Like fall.

We'll go fall. You go fall colors? Yeah, fall colors on her september on her september dripping did you see that um i don't know if this is bullshit or not somebody sent it to me on twitter and i looked at it was about to get in my car i was like what it was something about women that don't want to be forced to wear maxi pads or tampons. They think it's bullshit, so they're just going natural. They're just doing natural flow. They're literally in your face about their period blood dripping out of their underwear.

They don't give a fuck. They just wear fluffy socks? I think they just let it drip down their leg. I mean, it might be bullshit. I might be getting trolled right now because I just looked at it really briefly. Take a look at it there, young Jamie, and you tell me with your discerning eye. I could see that because the tampon, that's the way you stick inside, right? The tampon?

Yes, Gregory. I would get confused. The tampon causes toxic shock syndrome. It can if you leave it in, right? Is that what happens? I don't know. I didn't even know what it was. Help catalyze the movement.

Oh my God, this is real. Benefits of sustainable menstrual options. What is a sustainable? I'm really tired of people using that word. I think the people that use the word sustainable and the people that use the word handcrafted should get together and go fuck themselves. I'm tired of both of those terms.

All natural. You're sustainable. What are you taught? What? Human beings devour the planet. Stop your sustainable yeah oh this is better it's better for the environment one dump truck of waste per person versus a few dozen reusable pads reduce pollution they're reusable pads hold on a second barf could you imagine your your cooter is blowing into this fucking wad of cotton every month?

You're scrubbing out the bacteria and the blood. It's intertwined in all the fibers of your cooch area of your underwear. I mean, get the fuck out of here with this. Listen, we live in 2015. If we still use paper to write down on, we can afford a little cotton to plug your clam with, okay? I'll kick in a few bucks for that. I'm on board. I mean, yeah, there's a few things that— Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at that picture.

Hold on a second. Pull that picture back up. What did it say? The stat? Oh, my God. It says a disposable tampon pad user produces a dump truck of menstrual waste in their lifetime. And it's showing you this giant fucking dump truck, which probably doesn't have only tampons in it. That would be great as if every time you threw out a tampon, you had to throw it in your truck.

Every woman gets one truck. And once it's filled, we kill you. Yeah, you have like a yearly dump of your tampons. Like for a year they have to stay in your backyard in a big pink barrel. Just dogs barking from all over the neighborhood. Yeah, you know how you have like trash is like one color, the recyclables like brown, like lawn trimmings and stuff. Everybody has different.

It would be like once a year they pick up your soiled menstrual plugs that's a weird thing with guys being scared of menstrual blood i've never really understood that it doesn't bother me at all i mean not even a little bit not even a little bit i don't get it doesn't bother me some dude's freak though i had a friend and he would be like i'm never banging a chick on her period get out of here here. I'm like, so your girlfriend really wants to have sex. She's on her period. You want to have sex with her. He's like, fuck that.

And I want, she's on that shit. I think it's even better. Ooh, Greg is dirty. Well, like we were, well, we were down in Florida one time, me and, uh, you know, Mike Gibbons, my buddy, Mike and this other guy, the guy whose girlfriend became a hooker, as a matter of fact. And there was a, uh, there was a water slide park, and it was locked. And we got through the chain link fence, and we went in, and my buddy turned the water on.

It was like a real rudimentary roadside water park. And we started going down the slide in the middle of the night. It's like fucking, you know, midnight. And I remember thinking, like, I would not have had that much fun during the day. And I think that's what menstrual sex is like. You're not supposed to be in there. So it's like a, it's a special treat. A special treat.

But a lot of girls are hornier when they're on their period. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's right. Would you? They push back. Let me ask you this in all sincerity, because I've debated this myself. all sincerity because I've debated this myself would you if they one day figure out a way to manipulate human bodies and in such an incredible way that they can

actually turn you into a woman I can turn you back into a woman back into Greg again like would you try would you be a woman for course yes for a whole day or how long just how long I do it for a week a Of course. Yes. For a whole day or how long did you do it for? I'd do it for a week. A week? Yeah. Would you take the D? Fuck yeah. Would you really? No. No, I would do the woman thing. I would definitely masturbate relentlessly. You would stick something in there? I would go to some spas. I'd go to a lot of spas

where women are walking around naked. Okay, what about this? How about this? What if here's, we're going deep. What if you, they figure out a way to manipulate genetics to the point where you could become your wife and your wife could become you, like literally become you, and then fuck you. Would you agree to that?

Nope. No way. You wouldn't let your wife be you and you be your wife? Just for a day? No. Why not? Because I could never look at it the same way again. but it's her I don't want to be inside there But I want the mystery

There's so many seat little little Secrets that women have and there's things you wonder about their soul and what they're really thinking when you're talking and all those Little subtle things. I don't I don't want that Mmm, I see your point. I don't know that that's beautiful. You're a man of like you love romance mystery. Yeah, that's beautiful I love my wife. I'm not even talking about your wife. I think in everything in life. Yeah Fifty shades of grey that was in the book there was a tampon sex scene and they took it out in the movie How dare they? That movie made a trillion dollars a movie cured the deficit. Yeah, right. I know.

It's fucking crazy. Why do you think it did? You think guys went? Did women drag their men to it, or is that just women going? Mostly women, I think, probably. Right. And psychologically, if I had to analyze, with all due respect, and this is, again, just my opinion, I think the reason why those savage savage type sexual scenarios like savage lustful crazy things you know ball gags and spitting in your mouth and you know like a lot of the crazy

shit that seems to excite people unexpectedly you know when you talk about like the average american woman and then you talk about them i don't know exactly what 50 shades of gray is i'm just talking out of my ass. I read it. I understand it was a lot of time. You read the whole thing? Well, I was hired to do a parody of it. Oh. So I read it.

Well, tell me because I would assume that it's a lot of choking and abuse type stuff. But it's really light. It's light. It's really light? Yeah. I mean, the funny thing is there's no – I described it as if you had a seven-year-old and you showed them nothing but porn and then you said, write a story.

It's so inane. There's no fucking story. It's an excuse for a rich guy to completely humiliate a college girl. And women get off on it because he's so beautiful and wealthy. But there's nothing happening. I mean, I don't want to ruin the ending. Don't fuck it up. Spoiler alert.

Literally nothing happens in the end. I think everybody knows already. I don't think they care. It's just the same kind of shit you'd see at Cinemax. I think there is a lot of women, I think there are a lot of women, that don't feel sexually attractive. They don't feel like anyone ever feels like that with them like anyone has ever overcome with like desire to be with them yeah they look at themselves as like god i wish that was happening to me and they develop this like intense need for romance it's like the classic story of romance novel readers like what do they look like it's

usually like an overweight woman. Like, that's what a lot of people think about when they think of someone who reads romance novels. That's what comes to mind. Not necessarily true, but the idea being that, like, for a lot of people, like, that is so attractive. This, you know, this crazy, maniacal, passionate, little, even disgusting and abusive situation between a guy and a girl. Because there's so much lust there. There's, like and depravity and they're missing that they're not getting you know they're not getting anybody that wants to be with them and touch them that's like a fundamental need that people have that we kind of ignore a lot when we're looking at like social

trends and the way people behave like the fun there's a fundamental need that we have to touch each other. Like it's a hundred percent necessary. Like if you, if you take people and you give them no contact with other people, they literally go bananas. Yeah. We need to be around each other. I always hug sad people.

Oh, like if I meet somebody and they just seem really sad, I not right then and there, but the next time I see them, I'll throw a hug on them. And it's amazing to see the change. They fucking like you so much. Oh, yeah, man. I've told this story, but just in the nature of this discussion, I got the first job that I ever did in Hollywood, that stupid hardball show.

And the first job that I ever did in Hollywood, that stupid hardball show, I had this situation where I came out here, didn't have any friends, and I was out here filming it for like two weeks and didn't have a girlfriend in L.A., didn't know anybody. So I just go to the comedy store, go home. And we had this scene that we were doing with me and this girl. And she gave me a hug and she didn't even give me a hug like a sexual hug it wasn't like i was a track i mean she was very attractive but it wasn't like that she's like oh she came over give me a hug and my whole body just tangled like not sexually because you've been so alone love like i felt love like i felt like a warm hug from a friend like god damn and i realized like right there immediately i was like i need this in my hug from a i'm like god damn and i realized like right there immediately i was like i need this in my life like this is something like if you don't have your you feel

dull your life feels dulled down yeah and unfortunately whether it's because of genetics or because of diet or because of fucking fill in the blank where some people just aren't that attractive to other people and that's not a politically correct thing to say. But that's exactly what it is. And so they're super excited about someone being excited about them. There's an app where you can hug people, where people meet. They meet up in a public place and they hug. Here, look it up. That's hilarious.

They meet in a public place and they just come. They say hello. They hug. And then they walk away. Oh, my God. And it's worldwide. That's insane. That is so insane. And I heard the guy getting

interviewed and they were like, well, does it sometimes then lead to sex? Like he would naturally think. He's like, no, most people just wanted the hug. That's why they went on the app. That's all they wanted. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's going to end badly. Well, my son. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That'll end bad. Cuddle Curious free app. Makes it easy to score hugs. Cuddler. Aw, that's cute. Isn't that hilarious? Look, hugging people's nice. The problem is there's a lot of overly needy people out there, a lot of crazy people out

there, a lot of mean people out there a lot of insult people that will insult you just to get a rise out of you and that's the world and girls have to deal that way more than we do like it's the worst thing in the world when you see a guy hit on a girl and then the girl refutes him and you know fuck you bitch you know i didn't like you anyway you're like that is disgusting yeah that's like you realize like guys like that are the reason why chicks are fucking weirded out by dudes. Yeah. You know,

someone who hits on you and then when you say no, they get angry at you. They all of a sudden, like from, I want to fuck you to I want to hit you. Mm-hmm.

You know, and that's something, fortunately, we don't have to deal with. Yeah. It's, I mean, you can see it.

It's an insecurity. Obviously, the guy got hurt and so he lashed out with anger. It could be that for sure. I mean, certainly that's, I think there's a lot of factors. I think that's, that's a big part of it though. Definitely. I think the other part of it is that like, I think for a lot of men, it's like very frustrating to try to figure out how to get someone to choose you over X guys, X number of guys. It's a competition. Yeah.

And you're losing. Yeah. I mean, that's the reason why men dress the way they dress. I mean, a big part of it is to try to look good. Guys who wear the right watch or guys who have the right shoes or guys who wear a really slick jacket. You're doing it to look good. I a really slick jacket like you're doing it to look good you're doing I mean that's why you're doing it you're doing it to be more attractive you know whether you're doing it for yourself or you're doing it for your business images ultimately for

yourself you try to be more attractive and no matter how unattractive you are you're trying to be more attractive because you're trying to you know it's nature you're trying to attract the best mate you're trying to, you know, it's nature. You're trying to attract the best mate that you can get. It's crazy that guys will, some guys will go like all out, like with diamonds and shit and like giant watches with crusted in diamonds. And they know like, look, I am only going to attract dumb hoes. Yeah.

Like that's it. That's what I'm hoes. Yeah. Like, that's it. That's what I'm shooting for. Right. You know, and they'll, like, walk around with, like, giant gold-encrusted or diamond-encrusted necklaces and shit. Yeah. Especially black guys can pull it off. Right.

Yeah, they can pull it off. Way better than we can. You know, in certain cars, you see a guy pull up in a certain car, and for some guys it makes sense. You're like, yeah, that guy belongs in a Porsche. And then you see another guy, and you're like, and for some guys it makes sense you're like yeah that guy belongs in a porsche and then you see another guy and you're like you're i'm not gonna say it you're you're not supposed to be in a porsche anybody who really likes a porsche should be in a porsche but porsche no but they want to be no you shouldn't be in a porsche right you should be in a porsche well it's a porsche? Yeah. That's what you're supposed to say. Porsche. Yeah.

But there's still a lot of people that are like car journalists, like Chris Harris, who calls it Porsche. It's Porsche, though. Is it Jaguar or Jaguar? Depends on what country. And this is America, motherfucker. It's America. It's Jaguar.

That's right. It's made out of good American aluminium. Jaguar. Jag. Yeah, that sounds like you're cursing somebody out. Jaguar. Jag aluminum. Jaguar. Yeah, that sounds like you're cursing somebody out. Jaguar. Jaguar. You Jaguar.

Fitz Simmons. Yeah, I got to get that fucking Mustang. I saw one yesterday. The new ones. The new ones. Wait for the new ones. Yeah, they're coming out. 50th year anniversary.

Yeah, this is what you want. You want the GT350. Don't fuck around. Do not pass go. The Shelby GT350. Shelby. Coming out very soon, Gregory. How much?

This is what you want. I don't know how much. Stop with the money. You're going to live forever? Stop. You make good money. This is what you need to do. You need to get 500 American

naturally aspirated horsepower under your balls dude it's doing nurburgring times like low numbers man they had like spectacular results with this car it's like got it's independent suspension for the first time in a long time for mustangs like they had it for a while and then they went back to the live rear axle i guess i don't know enough about that but this new suspension is supposed to be incredible. This car is coming out soon, son. Don't fuck around.

Or get one of those Challenger Hellcats. I drove one of those in Denver. How's the visibility out the back of those? Good enough. It doesn't matter. Nothing's coming up behind you. Look at that fucking car. 2016 Shelby GT350.

Oh, I like the back. Good Lord, that makes my dick hard. It's a fastback. It's a fucking American car, son. That's real American muscle, but super sophisticated now. They're making these cars like this car where they're American muscle, meaning stupid, high horsepower, V8, awesome sound, rumble, but they handle.

That car fucking handles man that's how much money do they spend making that roar sound right you know they got all kinds of acoustics experts on that muffler yeah they probably do I think so especially the Shelby has that awesome deep throaty like yeah there's not they sound so good v8 sounds always the best like you can have a beautiful v6 like Porsches or sixes flat six they sound really good too but that sounds the best that American v8 rumble it's just fucking ball-draining yeah that's something about that engine sound for whatever reason reason, actually stimulates testosterone, man.

There's been studies done. Oh, sure. That's insane. Absolutely. The sound of an engine. Well, it's like a lion roaring. You probably hear that and you got to grow some balls fast. Yeah, man.

If you had lions all around your bedroom, I bet you'd have so much testosterone. That's right. all around your bedroom, I bet you'd have so much testosterone. That's right. Imagine if you slept and you had this super thick wire cage, like really fucking thick, where lions definitely can't get through it.

No way. And that's your walls. And the rest of your house, like all on the outside, there's an outside wall way, way out there. But most of it is a lion sanctuary. Yeah. So where you live is like, the outside is like a house, but the inside, like where it faces the lion sanctuary is all wire mesh and it's all around your bed. So it's like

your walls are insulated with lions. And you walk out there and then you sleep. You walk out there like a long path through this thick wire mesh, and you sleep in the middle of the lion sanctuary. And periodically throughout the day, they release animals for the lions to chase and kill in front of you. You're brushing your teeth, and you see some poor giraffe stumble out, look left, look right, and you see them run towards it and take it down like, fucking Christ, you hear bones snap and one of them's got the neck

and the thing's flopping around, it's trying to kick and they're tearing its guts apart, and you're 20 feet away. And your chest is rumbling from the noise. You can barely hear it over your electric toothbrush. Yeah. You can barely hear it over your electric toothbrush. Just ripping apart some giraffe right in front of you. Blood splatters on your face. Fighting each other over chunks of meat.

The new male comes into town. There's a fucking brawl. And you're just getting manly. You're either shrinking from it and becoming a complete pussy, or you're growing hair on your chest and you're going. You would look like an Armenian bodybuilder. That's who you'd look like. Just hairy, thick.

You'd get angry. You're not even working out. You've never lifted a weight and you're ripped. Your body's just prepared for death every second of every day. You just hear that roar in the middle of the night. Plus, you're inhaling all that. The pheromones that they're spraying out the whole time. They'll probably piss on your fucking cage. They'll probably spray your cage.

You're probably going to have to call in the maid and shit. There's some lion piss, all of this thing. Can you mop up the fur mons? I just want to take a nap. You know what? I'm not getting pissed on tonight. I'm putting up the shades. I'm just, you know, I'm not avoiding the lions.

I just don't want them peeing on me. I can handle the lions. I just don't want them pissing on my head while I'm sleeping. That's it. Yeah, they will piss on things, right? Like a regular cat does. Well, especially after they fight, then they spray the area. They just won.

It's fucking weird to watch, man. It's like, where's that even coming from? Yeah. You know, you got an extra hole back there? Like, what is that? How's that work? Yeah. Because they spray out the back, like, out of their ass.

Yeah, some kind of little gland back there. How bizarre. Yeah. Like, they have almost like an extra dick. Like an extra blowhole on their dick. Well, I guess it's like pre-semen, right? I don't know where it comes from. I'd never have thought of it.

I had a cat they used to spray, too. Really? Oh, man. I had a feral cat. And at one point in time, I had a great veterinarian. Luckily, Dr. Craig. Unfortunately, he died. Drunk driver hit him, man. Dr. Craig. Unfortunately, he died. Drunk driver hit him, man.

Fucking bummer. Oh, that sucks. He was the nicest guy. He was hilarious. Like a really funny guy. Loved, loved, loved animals. Anyway, I had this feral cat, and when it was time, like most of the time I could pet him, but there was occasionally times we'd try to pick him up, he'll fight you to the death.

Yeah. Just fucking freak out and run away. Yeah. And I had to get him to the vet because it was time to get him fixed. He's pissed in my fucking house. Smell nasty. Yeah. We pick up his back.

He like is pick up his back, like his ass and his tail. You just see it come out. You're like, you little motherfucker. Yeah. And when I trapped him in the bathroom, he was just spraying everywhere, dude. Just spraying. But I never looked at where it came from because he was just spraying everywhere, dude. Just spraying. But I never looked at where it came from because I was in mortal danger. Yeah.

Like I was trying to figure out how to get this little guy in a basket. What I did was I threw a blanket over him. I wrapped him up in the blanket. And then I stuffed the blanket inside of a laundry basket. And then I carried him out. I carried him to the vet in a fucking laundry basket wrapped in a blanket. Was he like going crazy the whole time? Oh my God, he was going bananas. He was going bananas. He was trying to kill me.

He was trying to kill me. But he was my buddy. It was the weirdest thing, man. And no one else could even touch this cat. If you came over to my house, he would run from you. But he would sit in my lap. I could pick him up. And once I started petting him, he would purr so loud but it was like the person like never got touched yeah like once like it was the weirdest thing he would go from scared and everything you pick him up dude it's all right it's all right like immediately like really loud purr yeah like the poor guy his whatever months of his life where he was wild before i got a hold of him just his head up

yeah like trying to maintain in your home a feral cat is a very unique situation yeah taught me a lot did it did the behavior change after he got neutered he never did behavior never changed no i mean it he was always cool only with me. That's it. No other people. That's it. He liked my cats. My cats and him were very close. You know, he would hang out with them. Everybody was groovy.

But there was no other person that was allowed to pick him up. He just wouldn't have it. And he wouldn't have it sometimes from me. Yeah. Like, he knew me from the time he was a little baby, and I had him for, like, at least seven or eight years. How did you find him? My friend found him.

Oh. Her and her boyfriend were living in this apartment and underneath it, there was like a cat that had given birth to a bunch of kittens. And so like, she kind of freaked out like, oh my God, these poor little things, they're wild and they're hissing at people. So they set traps for them because they were like, you know, they would go out to their car and there's like this litter of kittens, like living under your house yeah it was really depressing to her yeah so her and her boyfriend decided to trap them trap the cats and you know they were little demons man just fucking hissing and sputtering and then you realize like

man once you if you're that fucked up from like that like first couple months like your view of the world is that dangerous i mean you're literally a wild industry no one's petting you you know you're not getting a little can of tuna in front of you oh do you like it no it's full-on instinct you're eating bugs reading anything that moves you're fighting other cats to get to the bugs yeah and you know your parents are trying to bring you back food you're barely staying alive and so he goes from that all of a sudden he's hanging out with me in my house and he's eating cat food you know he's got cat food every day he can't believe the food's still here every day you know it was really weird says he will he

overeat if you leave out food he's dead now but uh he uh didn't overeat no no he he don't he normalized to the point where like walking around the, he didn't look like he was constantly in terror. But if you got too close to him, he would be like, what the fuck are you planning? When he was by himself, he was fine. He was cool. He would just chill out, and you'd catch him sunning himself by the window. Everything was groovy. So when people got too close to him, he just never was totally sure.

Never was totallyovy. It's when people got too close to him. He just wasn't, never was totally sure. Yeah. Never was totally sure. You know, it reminded me of when you talked about grabbing him in the laundry basket. Do you remember back in Boston, you were out one night with Jennifer and I was home and I swear to God on my father's grave, this happened. I rented Batman at the Blockbuster and I put it in and I'm sitting at home and I'm watching it. And then all of a sudden I see this shadow. And then I turn my head and I see another shadow. And I look up and there's a bat

flying around the apartment. And I'm like, what? And I'm scared shitless of bats. It's like my thing. And it's like, ever since I was a kid my aunt had this barn near her, and they had bats. And they told me they were fruit bats, and if they bite you, you'll get rabies, and you'll die. And we would always be outside playing tag at night, and the fucking bats would fly by, and I'd freak out.

And so I'm alone in the apartment, and there's a bat flying around, and Batman is on TV. And so all I knew is they go in your hair which i think is like not even true so i put on a baseball cap backwards and i had on sunglasses and a tennis racket i didn't want to go into my eyes he's gonna go for my eyes that's so funny i'm running around the apartment i'm swinging at him he's taking off he you know, he's just, they're erratic the way they fly. You don't know where they're fucking going. And this goes on for like 10 minutes. And then there's like a standoff and I'm waiting.

And then I hear you coming up the stairs. And you came in and you open the door and you go, what the fuck are you doing? I got this bad in here. And you just grabbed the tennis racket out of my hand. And you walked up and he was in the window. And you just bashed him once, and he just went down. And then you just walked over, and you had takeout in your hand. And you just went into the kitchen and started eating it.

I'm standing there with sunglasses and a hat on. I remember that. That's hilarious. That's hilarious. I probably wouldn't have even killed it if you weren't already trying to kill it. I call the animal people to come get it because it looked like it was stunned Ooh, you know if he was actually dead I've been sick. Oh, you mean once I hit it. Yeah. No, it was dead It was right. Yeah. I remember I killed it. Yeah, I remember I'm like, I'm not gonna have this thing suffer

Hey, I don't remember what I did. But I remember there's some hitting involved. I'm pretty sure it was the tennis racket could have been Yeah, yeah, you were involved. I'm pretty sure it was the tennis racket. Could have been. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that. But you were fearless. I was like, fuck, man. Well, I don't like bats, but I do know that on very rare, very rare occasions, bats have rabies. Yeah. It's very, very rare.

Same thing with squirrels. Very rare. They have rabies. But I'm not taking any fucking chances. I'm not getting rabies, dude. Right. You get rabies, you have some crazy shot they put through your stomach. In retrospect, probably could have tried to save the thing.

But it might have been sick, too. Yeah, it had flown in. There was a lot of bats in that neighborhood in Brookline. Yeah, there were. Raccoons, too, right? A lot of raccoons. Yeah. Here in L.A., you get rats.

They're everywhere. The Hollywood Hills, apparently, is especially bad. Yeah, they're filled with them. Well, there probably isn't as many birds. You know, you don't see hawks flying around that much. You should see a lot more hawks. And they're not around, so they're not killing the vermin. Well, it's also, unfortunately, coyotes, too.

People hate coyotes. And, you know, I'm not a fan because they will kill your dog right in front of you. And they would bite children if they could get away with it. Oh, yeah. There's been many instances. I mean, they don't have, like, rules. They're opportunists. And if you have a three-year-old and it's wandering around naked, a coyote will eat it.

I mean, it's a fucked up thing to say because most people don't leave their three-year-olds alone. But, you know, coyotes are creepy. But they do keep rat populations down. And, like, there is a balance that has to be, unless we're going to kill all the rats, too. Like, we're just going to be the executioners of the fucking natural world. Yeah. Doesn't work like that. Doesn't work like that.

So when you force coyotes out of neighborhoods, which I agree with, it's a two-edged sword. Yeah. Because I don't want coyotes killing my friend's dog. Yeah. You know, that's a sad thing. There's one of the guys that, I think it was one of the guys that worked on Fear Factor. I forget who it was. In his neighborhood, this lady was walking her dog in Brentwood.

And this fucking coyote came running up behind her. She said she just heard click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And she didn't even know what it was. And it just snatched her fucking dog right off the leash and ran with it. Yeah? Just grabbed it right in front of her. She screamed. She let go of the leash. ran with it. Yeah? Just grabbed it right in front of her. She screamed. She let go of the leash.

The coyote ran off with her dog. Wow. Killed it right in front of her. Shit. Brazen. Shit. That's brutal. Yeah.

So I would rather have rat traps out than those little fucking cunty dog-eating monsters. Yeah. Yeah. They'll eat dogs, man. I mean, that is on the diet. Because I guess, are coyotes related to wolves? Fuck yeah. They're dogs. They're all dogs, man. I mean, that is on the diet. Because I guess, are coyotes related to wolves? Fuck yeah. They're dogs.

They're all dogs. Right. Everything comes from wolves. Because you've got to think, if you come from a wolf and you're now a coyote, you're pretty badass. And then you see an Americanized, like a small dog. They are not very tough. You probably don't even see it as the same species as you that's just an easy soft lunch well what's fucked is that coyotes are actually so clever that they will

get dogs to think that they're their friends like they come around they hang out with them they're right outside the fence yeah like my neighbor has this little dog he has a beagle and he says the coyote comes out and the dog starts wagging its tail like look my friend is here but meanwhile that coyote will eat that beagle the beagle thinks everybody's like him you know at four o'clock in the afternoon the food gets put into a bowl and his tail wags and he waddles his little fucking chubby body over to the bowl and he eats and meanwhile outside is this thing his ribs are showing and it's gets big long face Just designed for snatching shit up and it's like come on man. Come on outside and play. Hey, I'm your friend. Mr Beagle, I like you come on out man. Look at my tail. Look at my tail. Look the doors open man

What the doors open should I come out? Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Just use your nose. You know, it's open the door. Come on just use your nose use your nose open the door come on just grab them come here check this out check this out run with them oh yeah poor big i was on playing golf recently and this uh coyote just came out on the course just looked at us didn't wasn't scared at all yeah they're they're slippery because you know i'm not saying i hate them i i think there's something beautiful about their existence i don't want to do it but there's something beautiful about their existence i don't want to do it but there's something beautiful about this this animal that lives like just adjacent to civilization intertwined slightly occasionally dips into their world and steals a cat you know last ones to leave the party you see they got one of my chickens i watched it watch it jump over the fence with my chicken yeah yeah recently it was it jumped over this like i had a fountain and it

jumped onto the fountain and then right over the fence i got the fountain right up like one of those little portable little fountains with the chicken in his mouth just boom just right over it's a nice meal for him times before yeah i had a chicken in one of the, not in the regular pen, but in another box. And it was, when chickens brood, you have to take them away from the rest of the chickens. You've got to take them out of their box. You've got to force them to sit on a perch for like usually a day or two. And then they calm down. They get out of it.

But if you don't, they'll start picking their feathers off. And what it is is like females, in the natural world of chickens, they want to fuck a rooster and they want the egg that they give. You know, they make an egg almost every day. But most of the time those eggs are unfertilized. So the eggs that we eat are unfertilized eggs. I didn't even fucking know this. I was in my 40s. I thought that all eggs could be chump chickens if you just laid on them, which is really retarded. I had no idea that chickens just

lay an egg every day, whether or not they're pregnant or not. So how do they know which ones to sit on? They don't. I mean, they, you know, when you leave the eggs there, some of them, they'll like, I guess like some of them, sometimes they'll peck away at their eggs and they'll eat them. And you have to like, make sure that they don't do that. They're really stupid, man. Yeah. They're stupid as fuck. But when they get broody, when they get broody is when they think that somehow or another one of these eggs, even though there's no rooster, is going to become a baby.

So they sit on it and they don't want to get off of it. And then they start pecking at their belly and fluffing it up and it gets ugly. But you can fix it as long as you catch it early. You catch it early, you just put them on a perch. But you could fix it as long as you catch it early. You catch it early, you just put them on a perch. So it was a smaller box, and the coyote got under it and smashed the bottom of it and stole the chicken. Huh.

It's fucked up, man. Clever little cunt. You ever get attacked by a chicken? Never. They never bit you? No, but if they did, that would be the end of their life. That's my rules. Right, yeah.

I'm just kidding. Oh, you don't raise them to eat them? No,'re little pets oh really pets oh they're pets that make food I feel bad I was more sensitive to the loss of your chicken no I mean I would I would do that I mean chicken yeah I don't my kids do I don't like I don't have any desire to eat these chickens. They're cool. I like having them around. I like eating their eggs.

But it's a really weird thing that I buy other chicken from a grocery store. I go to a grocery store and buy chickens. These completely murdered, fucked up chicken. You don't get to ever look at its face. You don't have to cut its neck and see its last blood drip out. You don't have to really recognize what it is you're doing when you're eating a chicken. You're just letting the supermarket hitman

take care of all the dirty work for you. Well, it's almost like we've got this hamster that's in a cage in our house, which is really to me the saddest thing in the world because he's alone and nobody holds him. My daughter picks him up like once a week for about 20 minutes tops and the rest of the time he gnaws on the bars to get out and i just think like this is the most

pathetic existential existence this thing lives in and i hate that we have him as a pet um and then we had a mouse that was loose and we set a trap and i was like this mouse and that hamster are a fucking chromosome apart and one of them we hold and pat and give a little bath and a little fucking butter dish yeah and the other one I'm trying to snap his neck with a spring well how about squirrels man I mean squirrels have this free ride in the rodent community nobody hates squirrels everybody hates rats but squirrels all they had to do was get cute. All they had to do, listen,

just stay an herbivore. Don't go eating any animal protein. And grow something pretty. Grow a big fluffy tail that looks cute. Do a little tail show. They do a little tail show. They chew on their little nuts. And everybody thinks they're cute.

Little kids walk up to these wild rodents and they'll give them nuts could you imagine if you saw your little kid walking up to a fucking rat how much you'd be terrified but they're they're like we were so confident in their behavior that we'll just walk up to them give them peanuts i used to love i used to love squirrels we had them where i grew up we i used to feed them all the time, give them little peanuts. There's a park in North Hollywood that you could go to, and these squirrels, apparently people have been feeding them forever.

So they come up to you when they see you. They're like, you? You got something for me? You got something for me? And I watched this one dude, this old Chinese guy, he laid down on a blanket and he had a bag of peanuts, and he would just slowly reach his hand out, and squirrels would come over and just take it from him.

They were so confident. Yeah. I mean, he's holding the peanut. They're just taking it from him, and they just stepped back just a little bit, and they would eat it. They didn't worry about him at all. That's true.

They're just a rodent that got cute. That's it. I mean, it's like going back to the wolf. The dogs that we have today are just the wolves that were able to be around man. They were able to chill the fuck out, grab some scraps. Man liked him because he was protection. Wolf liked the man because he was giving him food.

But it weeded out the vicious ones until they got smaller and cuter and we crafted them to be the little lap dogs that we wanted. The crazy thing is how short of a time it takes to do that, to change these animals. Like, we don't know how long it took before wolves became dogs, but they did this experiment. I was listening to this podcast on Radiolab. I forget the name of it, but it was about wolves. And they did this experiment on—it was about dogs, dogs and their wild nature, whatever the fuck it was. But they did this experiment with foxeses where this guy was raising foxes.

And whenever he would go towards like the cage where the fox were, if the foxes were scared of him, if they like feared him, if there was any like aggression towards him, he'd kill those foxes. So the only foxes that he let he'd kill those foxes so the only foxes that he let stay alive were the foxes that were actually like happy to see people and then over time they did this over a period of like 10 years they literally changed the way the foxes looked yeah they changed the way their face looked their face became smaller their bones became more petite they became different colors

they're their colors changed their their overall even the males their bodies became much more feminine and they became domesticated like in ten years to the point where you would go near the fox cage and they would wag their tail and like whimper to be near you like they wanted to be near people yeah and they were in a fucking fur factory Essentially Wow, they're killing these things yeah, and this guy Recorded all this stuff and did these these studies over the period of like 10 years changed the foxes that he had changed them It's like a George Orwell book was something about the reaction to adrenaline that some of these animals didn't have the same reaction to adrenaline that some of these animals didn't have the same reaction to adrenaline that did the same uh response to seeing strangers and that those by favoring those you sort of domesticated

this animal like very quickly and the idea behind it was they were trying to make an analogy towards people like that we're kind of doing that with society if you look at the way people used to be like there was some study recently about um-gatherers and the difference between their bones and our bones, that their bones were much more dense. And because these, you know, these people were working from the time they were babies. I mean, they just never stopped like picking things up and climbing hills and like they were constantly at work. But we're becoming like more and more fragile as we sit at desks all day and sit in our car to get to our desk and sit on the couch to watch tv after you're done and then read a book in bed i mean fucking we're falling apart we're like mush yeah

and that you know when you really think about that like that's kind of very similar to what is happening with those foxes it's just a matter of preferring one type of behavior not breeding with the other ones and i think their premise was about like the best way to eliminate like war and eliminate all these different negative aspects of our culture would be for and people have said this for people like that to just people to stop fucking them stop fucking the savages stop fucking all the people that want to go to war yeah i give as as a as a rule like all across the world if women just stop fucking all men who want to go to war well if you think about it and stay with me on this because it's a little dark, but if the people that are natural soldiers, they are going to war, and they are dying without breeding as much as the guys that are afraid to go to war.

Right. So in a sense, there is some natural selection. If that is a gene, if there is a gene that makes you more likely to want to go to battle. That kind of makes sense. Someone's car alarm. Oh. Isn't that hilarious? Like, back in the day, car alarms were, like, something that anybody took seriously.

Like, oh, my God. Yeah. There's a car alarm going off. I bet this is a crime. Now it's, like, asshole. Yeah. Is that in the back or in the front front yeah you go take a look at it if you want just make sure it's not one of ours one of our hearts yeah i mean what if somebody hit

your car and that's why the alarm's going yeah that is possible it's in the back oh then don't worry about it. Fucking these people. Remember those ones that would do like different... I remember when I lived in Little Italy, this fucking Cadillac got tapped and it played the theme from The Godfather. That's hilarious. Remember everybody used to have that one alarm, that one type of alarm? You would hear that. You'd be like, fuck.

There was always somebody bumping into it while they were parking. And they used to go, they used to go for way longer. Now, usually people are near their car. It's almost always somebody set it off by accident, which means it usually stops pretty quickly. Yeah. But back then it would go on for 10, 15 minutes. Yeah. And you'd be going out of your fucking mind. You're sitting there trying to write on your computer or whatever.

Mm-hmm. Death. Yeah. Those things are fucking distracting as shit. When they came along with noise-reducing headphones, that was a beautiful thing, man. To be able to sit and have, if you had noise-reducing headphones on right now,

you could totally filter that out. Most of it. Well, the mics probably didn't pick up on that. Do you think they did? Yeah, if somebody's got headphones on, I bet they could hear it. That was pretty fucking loud. But those Bose ones, I mean, I've got a pair.

I've had the same pair. Put it this way. I've had them long enough that I got replacement, you know, the rubber padding thing in the middle. Yeah. I was in a Bose store, and I was like, oh, fuck, you can buy replacements? Because I had stopped using them because they just wore out. And I popped in some new ones. I swear to God, 10 years I've had these things.

Wow. They still, I don't think they make a better version. It's like one of those products, you know think they make a better version it's like one of those products you know they make a they make a year of it like the honda civic in like 1982 was like a perfect fucking car yeah there's a bunch of cars from that era that are like to this day like they're becoming like really valuable like volvo dl land cruisers yeah they those old toyota land cruisers yeah people are taking those land cruisers though the old ones that looked like Jeeps and even the newer ones like after that, and they're fixing them up and selling them for over $100,000. Yeah.

No shit. Yeah. There's a company called Icon, and they make incredible cars, man. I mean, it's like you're talking about very, very expensive shit, and I agree. I mean, it's not necessarily something that I would buy because it is a lot of fucking money and uh but they take these like broncos and they take an old bronco they take the shell and they completely redo it with the highest end components like the best suspension possible a completely modern engine you know with like 400 horsepower they take a coyote engine from the 5.0 Mustang.

So it's a Mustang GT engine, like this crate engine. It's a beautiful engine. They stick it in an old Bronco, those really cool old ones. I love those bodies. You got to see. Pull up. I like the convertible ones. Icon Bronco.

Pull up the silver one because there's a fucking silver one. So people are spending all this money for the body. Well, it's not just the body it's the engineering like this guy um i forget his name i think jonathan ward i think his name is the guy who is the uh the lead uh you know ceo whatever the fuck he is president of this company just leave that thing on there for a second so i can stare at it good lord that's beautiful look at that fucking truck how long is. God damn, that's a fucking work of art, man. It's like something you played with as a kid and dreamed of driving. Yeah, like when you think about a regular truck, like regular trucks are cool. You know, hey, you know, you got kids, you want to pile them into an Escalade, that's cool.

But if you see that thing driving down the street, I mean, that's like some Mad Max, Apocalypto, Wonder Ride. It's a cool west side car too, because it looks like you could take it on the street, I mean, that's like some Mad Max, Apocalypto, Wonder Ride. It's a cool west side car, too, because it looks like you could take it on the beach. You could take that on the beach. You could take that wherever the fuck you want to go. Well, that's what I think about is when the shit hits the fan and it's going to in L.A., obviously, there's going to be some type of a terrorist strike or there's going to be a poisoning of the water. Oh, hey, easy, easy, easy, Greg Fitzsimmons.

I want to have, I've a Prius, and my wife has a Toyota Highlander. So if I want to get out, I know the way out. Because if I live in Venice, I'm the last one in line for the 10, for the 405, for the Pacific Coast Highway. We're the last ones to leave LA. Like, lock up on our way out.

Everyone's in front of us. Right. So I think, well, you get two options. One of them is to jump on a boat. Like, you got to be able to jerry-rig a simple little fucking motorboat, go off to Catalina Island, wait it out. The other option is, like, because when I was a teenager, we used to ride motorcycles on the power lines because wherever there's power lines, they have to have a path cleared underneath it so they can service the power lines. So if you drive dirt bikes, you always know if there's power lines, there's a good trail underneath it. Wow.

So if you want to get out of L.A., you get on one of those power lines, but you need a truck like that. You need something with a lot of clearance, big fat wheels. Dude, do you want to live if the apocalypse hits? Okay, there's stages of the apocalypse hits? Like, okay, there's stages of the apocalypse. The power goes out apocalypse. That's going to suck. Especially if it's in July. People are going to be hot as fuck. No one's going to know what to

do. People are going to be camping out on the beach because they can't live in the valley in the middle of the summer. There's going to be some shortages of food for sure. There's going to be some looting for sure. You can't pump gas because they're all electric pumps. It's going to be a real problem until they figure out how to get the power back on and you know there's been situations in other parts of the world where power in a modern city has been off for weeks like toronto apparently had some crazy ice storm in the 90s and you know

it was like fucking zero below you know 10 below zero something like that horrible horrible weather you know celsius whatever they do up there And these people have no power for like two fucking weeks and in Toronto in the middle of the winter. So that it could happen in LA, man. If it happened in LA in the summer, it can get ugly quick. So that would be one. That's like one kind of apocalypse. Okay. I can handle that. That's not that bad. But the real bad one is like super volcano, earthquake, asteroidal impact. Those are the big ones. Tsunami. Tsunami.

I mean, I'm right in the tsunami zone. You probably are. I am because the way the bay is shaped, you know, you've got, you know, from the Palisades down to whatever, Manhattan Beach is all one half circle, basically. And Venice is in the center of that half circle. So as the water is rushing in from a tsunami, it's all getting channeled into one opening, which is Venice Beach. Oh, my God. And that shit's going to come straight down Venice Boulevard, take everything out.

The canals. Canals will be underwater. That's right. It's canals. Right. I mean, they have canals right through the city. Yeah. Get out now. Get out now.

Get out now. Actually, we moved up the hill. We moved from Venice to Mar Vista, which is about a mile, but it's straight uphill. The people that live on the beach, like right on the water, are bold as fuck. Bold as fuck. You have to have either some mad loot where that's like house number five, some CEO ceo of q-tips or some shit you know and his house is shaped like a q-tip and the servants replace with real cotton every day that would be it q-tips man because people are not gonna stop using q-tips no and there's no

like nobody wants the generic ones because the generic ones are like they get flat q-tips stay fluffy as shit yeah who's the asshole that makes those q-tip fake q-tips with plastic oh yeah yeah you cut the inside of your ear because you're digging around the fucking cotton falls right off cheap now you got a cocktail straw in your ear. Now, the real Q-tips is like one of those, again, going back to like the 82 Civic, or it's just they made perfect products. They nailed it. And sometimes you just nail it, you got it. Walk away. Walk away.

Walk away. You know, certain cameras, like I don't know what kind of camera you got, but those old Canons, the original first generation Canon video cameras they were high eight they were beautiful pieces of machinery I have one that I still use to this day wow, yeah I mean if you got really good

shit that does the purpose and does it at a really high level you essentially can just maintain it forever that's what they've been really doing in Cuba with cars, you know if you go to Cuba, you look at their cars, apparently a large percentage of them are American automobiles from like the 50s and 60s.

Oh, yeah, big-ass cars. Crazy and beautiful and in really good shape. Oh, yeah. And I think that's what that guy's doing with those icons. He's just taking these old cars and just putting the best components on it and building, you know, like what it could have been. Oh, yeah, guys from Europe come over here and they buy muscle cars components on it and building, you know, like what it could have been, you know, best case scenario. Oh, yeah. Guys from Europe come over here and they buy muscle cars and they just ship them right over to Germany, double it.

They're worth a lot of money in other countries, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah. There's a flavor those things have, too, those American muscle cars that, like, the best engineered cars, in my opinion, are, like, the Japanese and the German and some of the Italians. They have some amazing engineered cars. But, like, the coolest cars? There's no question. Just straight cool. 69 Mustang rolls up.

That's it. Just shut the fuck up. That's it. Everybody shut the fuck up. You have a Ferrari and a Lamborghini. Your doors open up like wings. Stop. Just stop.

If somebody pulls up one of those Eleanor Mustangs, one of those 67anor mustangs on those 67 gt500s just good lord what a beautiful car that yeah it's so simple they just nailed it yeah like those corvettes like you ever see those corvettes from like like 1968 69 that that the stingray car, you know, that beautiful fucking, and the wide tires and the wide back end, that rumble of that engine. It looked like a lion about to pounce with big back haunches and just.

They just nailed it. I don't know what drugs they were doing when they were designing cars in the 60s, but they just fucking nailed it. Right. They nailed it over and over again. Barracudas. I mean, everybody just created. Yeah. They but they just fucking nailed it. Right. They nailed it over and over and over again. Barracudas. I mean, everybody was just creating.

Yeah, they were creating these fucking masterpieces. Yeah, yeah. They're getting back to that now for sure. The cars look better today than they did for a long time. But I would really like to know what the fuck happened. What happened in the 1980s where things went so bad? I know there's peaks and valleys and a lot of things. But in American automobile design, it doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, and at the exact same time as when the Japanese cars started coming out, just when we needed to be at our best to compete, we suddenly just, I don't know, you know, the factories where they. I don't know. I bet there's probably two versions of the story. There's the pro-union version and the con-union version. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure there's a lot of people that blame the unions. I mean, it's tough because I was just talking to somebody who's very pro-union yesterday.

And I'm very pro-union, but I'm starting to slip a little bit in some ways. Like I'm in the Writers Guild and I'm very, you know, I walk the walk. I walked away from a deal so I could walk the picket line. And my dad was in the radio union for his whole career. That's what left my mom a pension. And I believe that there should be a living wage for people. But I also think, God, how do we fix these fucking corrupt, broken engines? Like what corrupt, broken engines, union-wise?

You mean like things like? Well, construction, certain, you know. Teamsters, that kind you know. Teamsters. Yeah, if you want to build something, it's really gotten to the point where you're just getting squoze from every direction. And it's adding, you know, I'd rather see another guy get a job than see the union just absorb that much more money. Well, any times you have bureaucracy, any time you have a large number of people that are involved in something that really only needs a couple people you know I mean how many people really need to be involved in going over your construction plans or yeah how many people really need I mean once you

establish environmental parameters like things like people trying to fix their house up or something like that like how many people really need to be involved in this like you hire a contractor does the contractor know what he's doing yes okay well we're good yeah like let me just get the fuck out of your hair yeah like what unless you're doing something dangerous we're just gonna assume that everyone's doing something dangerous no there's a lot of people getting paid off to I have a friend who is trying to get a house built and they're dealing with this Commission in this area this particular area they're trying to develop a house built and they're dealing with this commission in this area, this particular

area they're trying to develop a house and they've like literally been told like you have to like grease wheels, you have to like to get things moving, to get things approved, you have to like get on people's good side. Like they're saying things to these people like to indicate that like hey you might want to buy these people something, you might want to bribe them, you might want to be friends with them. The closer you can get to these people the easier they'll lube this process like what this is so bizarre yeah this is like they have power over you this is not like there's real clear parameters this is how we

operate regardless of whether or not we like you or don't like you no there's like this is like this little wiggle room going on i mean that's essentially what corruption really is right it's wiggle room it's like it's never nobody ever states it as corruption. Nobody ever says black and white, I'm bribing this guy. It's just, I happen to take this guy out to dinner. Well, it starts there. Yeah. Well, was that the difference between him going with you and going with somebody else? Very likely. Well, then that's a bribe. That's true, right? In a lot of ways. I mean, you should be able to hire whoever the fuck you want if it's your money and your job but when you're talking about something like you know a

union that's involved in construction or unions involved and you know coastal commissions those type of things you know where people are deciding whether or not the groups of people that decide whether or not this happens to you or that doesn't happen to you. Yeah. Things get real weird, man. Well, Japan is ridiculous. Apparently, like, you know, they tried to build a high-speed railroad, or they did build a high-speed railroad. And the, not the unions, but the, you know, the different levels of bureaucracy within the government and privately were squeezing everybody to the point where the project was 10 times as much as it should have been, and then the train started crashing

because they were trying to save so much money they were putting inferior parts in. Yeah, that's where the argument for unions come in, right? Because it's not a black and white issue. Like, I definitely think, look, we're talking about Foxconn and all those people that are being forced to work for such a horrible wage, They're jumping off roofs. You've got to establish a living wage.

You've got to establish. If people are working for you and this is a valuable thing they're doing for you, you have to pay them enough so they can feed themselves and clothe themselves. And then healthcare and all the different things that are going to come up. I mean you're a piece of their organization. And they're demanding to be recognized as a valuable piece of the organization. Like, you can't have all the money. Like, that's what it is. You have people working for you.

You need to pay them. That makes sense. But it's like whenever you get a group that is exploiting these, uh, these laws that are in place to protect people, like that's when shit gets weird. Like my buddy was in the, um, automotive industry in Detroit.

He was in the auto workers union and he was telling me like how crazy some of the contracts were and some of the gigs were, they had this thing where you would both work. You would have a two man contract, like meaning that this was a, this not a two man contract, a two man job,, meaning that this was not a two-man contract, a two-man job. This job to run this machine,

it really only took one guy. Yeah. But the union would require two men. So you guys get two guys get jobs. So you would do four hours a day. Yeah. You would do four hours in the morning and I would come in at noon

and I would take over and I would do the job for the next four hours. And then you go to the gym, you go fucking have lunch. You literally would work four hours a day. Yeah. And that's what they all did, and they all were making like $150,000 a year. Right. I mean, it was crazy money.

He was talking about how much money these different workers were making. He's like, you know, if you got to a certain level, like you got benefits, you got this. It was like super expensive to keep all those people employed at that level. Not only that, but for that money that you're paying them, you're also paying 13% into the union, which pays for the benefits. So that, you know, what $50 an hour to that worker actually costs the employer, you know, what's 12% of $50? Six, seven dollars? Something along those lines. Does it matter?

Did I need to break down that math? No, I don't think so. I think your listeners get it. Yeah. I think unions, if used correctly, are a nice sort of insurance to people getting paid a fair wage and getting treated ethically and having you know money distributed in in an ethical and fair way there were you know problem with anything is things don't always go the way they should best case scenario yeah it's almost like you got to start over again with the unions you got to get still like the teachers union is insane you got women

in there there was a woman that women there's male teachers how dare you no i was thinking about this one woman though that works at my kid's school and she had liquor on her breath and she was like you know just ignoring the class and reading the paper and like they couldn't get rid of her they just yeah it was just impossible to get rid of her there's so much you have to go through well 10 years a weird thing man and i You get it after three years as a teacher. That's it? Three years. Welcome to the jungle, though.

You gotta survive. Three years in the dom. Yeah, yeah. Especially in L.A. You deserve it. Woo, you get through three years of working in L.A., babysitting kids.

You're gray-haired. The women are bald. You're just beaten down. Yeah. You got ulcers and shit. Yeah. Fucking, how many kids brought a gun to class today?

It's a weird world, man. It's a weird world. There. It's a weird world. There's so many haves and have-nots in this world. There doesn't seem to be any solution or anybody reaching for it. But that might be the one thing that's ever going to level anything out when it comes to... Unions? Yeah. I mean, having groups of people that are all behaving in an ethical way,

having them in a large number like whether it's a you know a big group like the actors union or whether it's a carpenters union or it's just it's fucking really hard it's really hard to get people all together in a group like that to act ethically it's just like always be cool just to agree I mean unions just split apart there was the writers guild East and the Writers Guild West, which effectively destroyed the power of either one. There was AFTRA and SAG, which are both actors' unions. They're finally combined now, but it should have been, it should right now, it should be the DGA, which is the Directors Guild, the Writers Guild, and the Actors Union should all be under the same, and IATSE, which is like the technical guys, should all be under the same to end a Yahtzee, which is like the technical guys should all be one union because what they do is the studios will line it up so that they, the contract for the actors union comes up in January every two years,

but then they set up the writers guild to renew in February every two years, but they make them off here. So that way you've never got everybody lining up against you on a union contract at the same time. And they can weaken everybody. What kind of disagreements do they have? Like when you have disagreements in the actors' union or something like that? Mostly it's digital downloads, which is a battle that everybody lost. That should have been...

I mean, I just got a residual check on a TV show that I did. And I got, first I got the check for the reruns on TV, cable reruns. Then I got the one for digital online. And the one on cable was like, I don't know, $1,700. And the same usage period on digital was like $13. And it's like probably more views digitally than it was on cable but we gave that away during the last strike oh yeah they weren't looking down the road they were really fighting for network and cable re-usage and they weren't looking at they missed it yeah netflix all

this that's taken off we're barely getting a taste of it that's crazy yeah they missed that that's a big one it's the whole future wow That is so nuts. Yeah. But there's benefits, right? To having a union? Like what do you think are like the primary benefits of union? Well, I've had my health coverage because I've been in the Writer's Guild for like 13 years straight. So I've had my health insurance paid for. It's amazing coverage, low deductible, low premiums. It's like, I think I pay like 250 bucks a quarter or something crazy. That's amazing. And I'm paying 13 grand. I was in the union for 12 years, out for one year, and now I'm back in again.

And that one year that I had off, I paid $13,000 for my family. So that's a lot of money right there. Right. And then you get the residuals that come in, which is big. And you don't get abused. You know, you have certain, like you get meals,

you get, they can only work a certain number of hours. I mean, there's not too many people that dig in on that, but the spirit of it is there. You know, producers know that they, if you're in the union, that they're not going to,

I've worked on both sides of it. I worked non-union jobs and as a producer not a writer because i can't but i've seen the hours that you work and how you writers guild jobs you get you can take an hour for lunch yeah and you also get treated in like a pretty commensurate way like you know like when you're in a SAG TV show or something like that, it's like, it's pretty across the board. Everybody's pretty professional.

Like as far as like, you know, you got a craft service table, you know, you're, this is where your dressing room is. You know, you're out by X amount of times.

You have a 12 hour turnover. Like they have all these rules. Yeah. They have to follow by those rules. When they go over, like they get all bummed out. Like everybody gets bummed out. Yeah. It's super expensive when they start going overtime and money money talks that makes them get there's no way like most shows Shouldn't take more than eight hours to shoot, you know, and instead it takes 15. Why do you think that is?

Because everybody wants to brand whatever it is that they're putting into the project You know if you're the hairstylist, you want the hair to look perfect. If you're, you know, the set guy, you need an extra 20 minutes to do this. As opposed to if there's penalties, it's like, no, we got to fucking go. Get it done, and then we're going to move on. So I think with cable, there's usually not a strong hand on the wheel as much as there is in network shows where there's somebody that's a showrunner that really has to answer the studio and say, no, we are done at 6 p.m. That's it.

Maybe they go an hour long. But I work on cable shows where I worked on one, and it was T.I.'s wife, Tiny, and her ghetto fabulous friends. Wow. What did you do on that? It was a panel show. I was, what was I on that? I was the head,

I was the showrunner on that. And they came in and we were supposed to start taping at four o'clock. Started at 7 p.m. because they all were getting their hair done and it was a cat fight.

The next night we were taping again. Supposed to be a four o'clock taping. 7.30. Wow. You know how much fucking money that is?

That's a lot of money. You're paying everybody all their union wages for three and a half hours. And then you're going long, which means now you're going into overtime wages on the other side. So there's many good things about having a union. There's many good things

about those unions. There's some unions that are fucked, man. There's a big dispute right now with the UFC in the culinary union and the culinary union is they attack the UFC and make all these like websites and posts and they have like stories that they they have people write about how horrible the UFC is because they want the UFC to give up station casinos owns the UFC. The UFC is owned by Zufa. They own station casinos.

They own the UFC. And they own 22 casinos. And if those casinos went union, they're not union. They're non-union. And I guess I might be speaking out of school here. I don't really know. I believe, check this, that the workers don't want it to be union. Like, they voted against it because they didn't want to pay the wages.

But if they did pay the wages, I guess they're happy with what they make. They don't want to pay the dues. The dues. But if they did do it, the culinary union would make some insane amount of money every year, millions of dollars every year. Yeah. So what they do is they have this, like, smear campaign, like, constant smear campaign about the UFC.

And they hired politicians, and one of them actually just got busted. This is one of the main guys in New York that they had supposedly that had been a roadblock to getting the UFC legalized in New York. UFC is not legal in New York. Still? No, still to this day. It's illegal in New York State. The reason being because of corrupt politicians and all goes back to the culinary union trying to keep the UFC, like trying to turn the station casinos into union casinos. Right.

So they're spending all this money and like getting people upset about the UFC and making all these nutty websites. And anytime anybody says anything fucked up, anytime anything goes wrong, the coloring union was jumps all over it and they're just trying to muscle the ufc into relinquishing control of these casinos it's hilarious that's allegedly the story obviously yeah i don't know all the details so i should probably say for legal purposes this is how it's been told to me yeah but ultimately you know that if there's a lot of money to be made and you've got some organization that relies on keeping strong numbers of members, they're going to be financially motivated to try to make some things happen. Smear campaigns are cheap.

I had a buddy who was in the Teamsters. When I was a kid, when I was like 21, 22 years old, he would work the docks. He would fillet fish all day. And he had a dent in his hip. And the dent in his hip was from his hip pressing up against the fish fillet table all day. He got a dent. Really? One hip was like dented in.

He was like, here, I taught you right here. It's dented. Because he just leaned all day. Because he leaned all day. And he always smelled like fish. Always smelled like fish. This poor bastard. I don't mean to laugh. I mean, the guy's making a living. But what a life. Always smelled like fish. This poor bastard. I don't mean to laugh.

I mean, the guy's making a living. But what a life. Yeah. Holy shit. He was my boxing coach. And so he would, when he would rub this Vaseline stuff on your face, this stuff called Abilene, so that punches, when they hit you, they slide. They don't cut you.

Yeah. The leather doesn't cut you. So he'd rub this stuff all over your face. You'd just smell fish. Fish and Abilene. And he'd rub this stuff all over your face. You'd just smell fish. Oh. Fish and abalone. And he'd just be rubbing it in your skin. So he was filleting fish and training as a boxer.

Yeah. He's one of the craziest guys I've ever met. He got his finger bitten off in a street fight, and they replaced it with his toe, and they curved it permanently so he could still throw right hooks. Crazy Irishman. Joe Lake. Which toe? The big toe?

Love that guy. They took the second toe, not the big toe, but the one next to it. I guess you don't use that. I guess you don't need it. You just strengthen up those last three babies. Yeah. Keep that party rolling with no toe. No.

I mean, the thing is, if you think about a finger, each one individually is doing things, but your toes are just that you don't even really need them. We could get rid of toes at this point. No, they do help you. They help you with movement. With movement and, you know, like, they're adjustable. Yeah, I guess you got to balance yourself.

Yeah. Like, you need toes. Like, it fucks with people when they lose a toe. They lose a lot of their ability to move around. Yeah. It's not the same. I used to caddy for this guy that something happened to him in Vietnam, and his feet were paralyzed.

So, like, his ankles worked, but, like, from the ankle down, everything was just fucking dead. Whoa. And this guy walked. He walked like he'd have to almost bring his knee up in the front every time he'd step forward. Like ski boots? Yeah, almost like that.

And then he'd hit the ball, and he just never could hit it straight because you need balance. But the guy fucking loved golf. He'd play like two rounds a day. You'd have to caddy for him. You'd be all over the course looking for this guy's fucking ball. Fucking numb feet. That's so weird. What a weird ailment.

Dead feet. I guess he's probably happy that was it. Yeah, right. Out of all the shit that could go wrong I know I know a dude who broke his toe really bad and they told him he couldn't do jiu-jitsu for six months If they were gonna fix the toe or they can amputate it so he said cut it off. No shit. Yeah, which tell I think it was like the same one. Why am I so fascinated by which toes are in each story? I think it was the one next to the big toe. Yeah, I might be wrong Wow one of his toes if you had to lose one toe, which one would it be?

That little Hmm That's a good question. I was gonna say That freeloader toe right next to the little toe all right that fucking your ring finger yeah that toe doesn't it does nothing i never pay attention to that toe no look watch that toe a million times in my life never looked at it twice do you look at my pinky toe i check it out because it's weird yeah i look at that tiny little nail go look at this stupid nail you know i'll look it looks like a clipping of another nail.

Yeah. It's not even its own nail. Put that little toe next to the pinky toe. No love. Gets no love. Do you get in there and individually wash your toes? I used to and now I don't. You give up.

You got no desire. Slap it on the top, slap it on the bottom, done. I wash my feet, yeah. In between. I'm always doing stuff barefoot. Yeah. I lift weights barefoot. I do kickboxing barefoot. Jiu-Jitsu is barefoot. I do kickboxing barefoot, jujitsu barefoot.

It's all barefoot. You got to get in there. You also got to make sure you don't get athlete's foot. Mm-hmm. Like, you know, athlete's foot is when you get those cracks underneath your toes, like at the base where the ball of your foot reaches the bottom of your toe, like that gets all dry and fucked up and cracks and it hurts. And a lot of that comes from your toes being dirty.

It comes from like weird fungus getting in there. Apparently this is the same as ringworm. Like athlete's foot is kind of the same fungus as ringworm. It's just in a different spot on your body. And jock itch, all the same shit. Yeah, that's right. Jock itch is the same as athlete's foot

yeah get some fucking funk growing on your dick boy yeah right yeah oh god I would hate that it's important

if anybody's listening to this though if you do have some funk on you whatever you do don't use antibacterial soap don't ever use that stuff if you use antibacterial soap

I mean unless you're a hospital you know worker you're a or something, then you should use it. But there's stuff called defense soap that is a probiotic. It discourages the growth of bad bacteria, but it promotes healthy bacteria. It's all like natural oils. They use like eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil and it just like staff and ringworm and all that stuff it's really good for grapplers that's why it's called defense soap they made it for grapplers but for anybody like for keeping like healthy skin flora

that and here's a big one dude this is really big probiotics fucking i drink this shit all the time oh yeah you tell me about that so important yeah these are organisms like live organisms you take them into your body and it literally strengthens your immune system like acidophilus I was reading this thing where they were saying that acidophilus they believe can discourage when you touch things like say if you touch something and it's got some sort of a funk on it and then you accidentally touch your face well if you're taking healthy doses of acidophilus, apparently acidophilus will resist the introduction of new bacteria. They're like, whoa, whoa, bitch, what are you doing here?

What the fuck are you doing here? Whereas if you have that antibacterial soap, your skin is like devoid of even healthy bacteria. Yeah. The healthy flora is just as important. Like you can't like strip it off. It's just as important to keep the healthy flora as it is to get rid of the bad shit. Yeah. Somebody told me, I was reading an article about bacteria and it's like, there's a pretty big percentage of your body that's made up of bacteria.

Yeah. It's huge. Like the amount of weight in your body is like 12 pounds or something of bacteria. This is the way I saw it explained once. I'm making that number up, but it's huge. Like the amount of weight in your body is like 12 pounds or something of bacteria? This is the way I saw it explained once. I'm making that number up, but it's a lot. This is the way I saw a scientist explain this. I'm pretty sure he's correct. He said there's more E. coli in your gut than have ever been people ever. Wow. Whoa.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's just sitting there? Well, it's doing, it's just sitting there well it's doing it's working like a healthy stomach bacteria is like very important for digestion that's what you're getting when you're absorbing like these kombucha and shit like that you're changing your your gut bacteria and there's a lot of studies that are trying to link that to autism and they think that autism and poor gut bacteria, intestinal tract bacteria, it might be an issue. The inflammation factor, that inflammation might cause all sorts of

distress throughout the entire body, like as a, you know, the symbiosis of your stomach, your digestive tract, your circulatory system, and your brain, all of them together, being affected equally, that this digestive disorder might also fuck with people's heads. Yeah. Yeah. I got my guts fucked, man. I fart, soft shits, pain.

My gut is wrong. How's your diet? Diet's great. Really? Fantastic. So what the fuck? I think I got Giardi when I was in Florida like 20 years ago, and I never really got rid of it. Ever since I got it, I've had gas.

Giardi, you get that from drinking water that animals shit in. Right, down in Florida. They don't have fresh water very much in Florida. So what were you doing? How'd you get it? Just staying in a hotel. Me and my wife, she got rid of it. I never did.

You got it from a hotel? Yeah. What? Yeah. How the fuck did you get it? Because they don't have a lot of groundwater in Florida. They fucking pump all that shit in from out of town. So, like, the tap water gave you Giardia?

Tap water gave us Giardia. Jesus fucking Christ. And I went on, like, three different cycles of, I forget, it was tetracycline or something. To the point where the doctor was like, you can't keep taking this. And it should just, it should equal out. And I've gone back and it never has oh my god dude that's insane i haven't farted once since we've been in here by the way thank you i wouldn't do it thank you i appreciate that i would fart um it i did fart in an elevator recently in the someone did the running like in, opened the doors,

and I came in and I just looked at him like, hey, it's an asshole move. Mine was an asshole move, but you don't open up elevator doors on somebody. So let's take a ride. So because he shoved his arm in the elevator door. No, I had just farted and then I saw the hand come in. You don't like people shoving the hand through? I don't think you should do that ever. Unless it's like if you're in a parking structure in Santa Monica that's six stories and there's like one elevator,

so it comes every 12 minutes, you can stick your hand in that. But if I'm in like an office complex and there's like six banks of elevators or a hotel, you don't stick your hand in the door. Wow. But what if the guy's in a super hurry? He can wait for the next elevator. Wow. I'm in a super hurry too.

Greg Fitzsimmons looking for excuses to fart on people. I take Stan. Is that what this is? Or is this just an excuse to fart on people? Well, the other thing is, I'll forget that it's Valley Parking somewhere. Like if I go to the comedy store, I always forget. And I'll fart before I get there.

And I was like, oh, fuck. Sorry, Doc. So this Jardiaia like you saw a noticeable change from the way your family Giardia immediate damn fuck no it's way better than it was but it's still there I gotta watch what I eat like now I'm lactose intolerant now my friend Rinello, he got Giardia, and then he got Trichinosis. Trichinosis from bad beef? His was from bad bear. His was from eating a bear.

But apparently he keeps it for life. Like they kill it in your stomach. Like it lives in your stomach, and then it goes, like it migrates into your muscle cells, and it hurts like a fuck. Oh, shit. Like you have like agony, like muscle agony, like you're in pain, like your back hurts, your shoulders hurt. They can't kill that.

They just plant spores in you. So essentially it's crazy. The shit that's in your stomach, that's gone. But the stuff that's in your arms and your legs and your tissue stays there for the rest of your life. Those spores, like if you ate him, if the apocalypse came around, you got to cook him to 160 degrees. 160.

Hold on. Let me write that down. 160. Speaking of which, by the way, can I plug some dates? Fuck yeah. What do we got? Addison, Texas. Coming to see you, folks.

Oh, I love that club. February 28th through March 1st. Yeah. Isn't that a great room? Great fucking room. That's a great fucking room. Up on the second floor and it's just a perfect shape. February 28th through March 1st. Yeah, isn't that a great room? Great fucking room. That's a great fucking room. Up on the second floor, and it's just a perfect shape. It's been around forever, too, so it's soaked with laughter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like the different sets that have been in that room. That's a great room. Addison, Texas. They still have the piano bar right next door? Oh, yeah. That's great. Well, Handjob Shack, too, right around the corner.

How dare you? I didn't go. How dare you even know? No, I walked past it, and I saw this guy who was loitering out front, and he just kept, like, walking back and forth, and I was like, why is this guy hanging out in front? And then I looked over, and it was like a— somebody told me that you can tell it's a jack shack

because if it has a neon footprint on it— Those are the jack shacks? That's like a sign that it's a happy ending place. Really? That's what a certain comedian told me. I don't know if he's right, but isn't that like a reflexology thing? That's what they want you to think. No shit.

Yeah. So you go in, they rub your feet, just jerk you off. I have no idea. Do they even touch your feet? If I had a choice, if I was going to do it, I would say, as long as I'm in here, you know, let's get the feet going first. Yeah. Some people, like, get weirded out about people touching their feet. We're not into it at all.

I like women's feet. I enjoy looking at women's feet. We've talked about this. Well, when they're attractive, you know. When they're attractive, it's great. What is it about that, though? I mean, I'm not asking you personally, but what is it about, like, why would a guy give a shit about a girl if a girl's toes took a hook turn and her feet are all... Like, what does it even affect us?

Like, why is it more desirable to see, like, perfect toes? Well, I mean, it's just me. My personal thing is I believe it shows they're evil that they're haunted hammer toe equals haunted haunted evil she will fucking kill you one day with that toe you'll be sleeping all of a sudden you'll feel this little hook going around your trachea and you look up and you'll see an ankle can you imagine if people were that transparent where the way their hands looked was like how deadly or nice they were? Yeah.

So if people had beautiful, smooth, clean hands, you never had to worry about them. They're all knuckled up and fucked up. I think of Cinderella. Remember her sisters had those nasty fucking feet? Couldn't fit in the shoes. That's right. She was the original foot fetish worship goddess. She was.

But maybe she was just a part of a narrative that's been going on forever like the chinese people they're binding the bindings yeah that's the crazy shit of all that's crazy that's so frightening but it's totally logical if you go back i mean if you put it in context of going back you could show wealth by saying it wasn't just the aesthetic of small feet it was also saying my bitch doesn't have to work i can bind her feet that's how much money i have good lord yeah yeah she could never work work in the fields that's why japanese people wear fucking hats and sunblock and gloves because in their culture having fair skin is a sign of wealth wow right well you know in some cultures they're trying to bleach people like filipinos

are really getting into um glutathione for some which is I think it's like an amino acid or something like that. Some nutrition. I mean, I take it actually. It's like really good for your liver. But they're taking this stuff and through some injection process that I don't totally understand, it makes your skin lighter. So they want to be like maybe they're darker brown Filipinos. They want to be light because lighter skin. Do you think that's what Michael Jackson did? No. Michael Jackson had what I have. He had vitiligo. You know, like if you look at my hands, like you see these spots in my

hands. I'm just a white guy, so it doesn't look that freaky. But if I get a tan, it can look pretty freaky. Like all my knuckles, like trauma areas are big areas that get it, like knuckles, because, you know, anytime you get cuts, scratches, sometimes that can turn to vitiligo. I have to put like an ointment on it to keep it from spreading. Yeah. Plus you're hairy, so it just looks like patches of hair on your knuckles. Yeah. But I'm a white guy.

Again, it's not that much of a contrast between the area where I have pigment and the area where I don't have pigment. much of a contrast between the area where I have pigment and the area where I don't have pigment. But if you're black, like Michael Jackson was when he was young, it's super traumatic for a lot of people. Some people freak out. They have like some really good remedies for it now. They have ointment that can pretty much stop it from spreading. And they have these PUVA treatments that they do that repigment areas. They're pretty good at it now. But in the Michael Jackson days, they couldn't do shit. On the opposite, I'm so fair that I try to darken.

Like on the weekends, I put black shoe polish on my face and I go sing. Do you leave like a white thing around your mouth so you don't fuck your food up? Right.

I'll eat some powdered donuts before I go out. Mommy! Also, I'm going to be at the Helium Comedy Club in Philly. I forgot what we were doing. March 6th and 7th. Don't forget, Denver Comedy Works, I think it's your favorite club in the country.

March 12th through 14th. You just rattled off two of my favorite clubs in the country. Helium in Philly is fucking amazing. Amazing. And the Comedy Works is where I did my last special, Rocky Mountain High. my favorite clubs in the country. Helium in Philly is fucking amazing. Amazing. And the Comedy Works is where I did my last special, Rocky Mountain High. I did that in Comedy Works. So great. It's the best club ever.

Yeah. It's the best club. It's just so perfect. I mean, there's a bunch of the best clubs ever. There's like five or six of them all over the country. Yeah. Those are two of them right there. Two of the top five right there.

And then the Hollywood Improv, which is definitely up in that uh rankings yeah that's a great spot march 21st that's a fucking great spot the hollywood improv is so that's such a good fucking room for comedy and such like a high level room you go there you see judd apatow working out and you know yeah i mean you're there all time there's so many good comics there that's a that's a fucking showcase spot man, and they run it tight They keep it on time for the most part. You know they had our senior Hall dropped in one night And he did about 35 at the top of the show unannounced And I spent I don't know 16 of my 20 minutes shitting all over our senior Hall for going along and they've they've

Crowd fucking went crazy. I think he tanked it. Oh, did he really? So nothing like starting the show off with a tank and going, you know, over your five. A drop by is five minutes. That's all they were giving him? Yeah. Well, that's not good. I don't know. Ten minutes. He wasn't supposed to do any.

Are you listening, Arsenio? Wow. I can't believe this. Throwing it down. I know that dude. He's a good guy? He's a very nice guy. down. I know that dude. He's a good guy? He's a very nice guy. Yeah, I never met him.

He's a very nice guy. He left before I started. I talked to him really recently about social media stuff. When he was doing the new version of the Arsenio Hall show, they took over his social media, like his Facebook and his Twitter and all that shit. They asked to do that now. I was doing this one thing, and they asked me to do that. They wanted asked to do that now. Like there was a, I was doing this one thing.

They asked me to do that. They wanted to take over my Twitter. I go, fuck you. Like, what are you crazy? Well, we're going to tweet for you.

The fuck you're going to tweet for me. Yeah. Like, no, you're not like you want to start a Twitter page for the show. Well, you start that and then you can tweet from that. You're not going to tweet from my personal Twitter page just because I'm on a show.

Like the idea that you have to give it up. Some genius in the digital marketing department brought that up in a meeting and they went, sounds like a good idea, Phil. Can you imagine you have to be such a whore that you have to give up your Twitter page? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. No. No, you can't have my Twitter page. If you

want me to tweet stuff, send it to me and I'll tweet it if I agree with it. You can't take, but for him, he didn't even think about it. He just, he like didn't think that it was a big deal. Yeah. He was just like, yeah, yeah, cool. But now he's trying to get it back. Like he was struggling to get it back under his own control after his show was canceled.

No shit. Yeah. And I was like, this is ridiculous. Wow. Like they, they, like they own your social media presence, which is worth a fuck load of money. Yeah. They own your social media presence, which is worth a fuckload of money. What if you did a project for name X production company, and in the project was they can tweet anything they want from your social media sites?

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. They could tweet anything they want. They could put out anything they want. They would just release commercials all day. Yeah. anything they want they would just release commercials all day yeah I mean imagine if that was in your contract and they just started putting out like there's a tide commercial on your fucking twitter feed tide got my clothes smelling fucking amazing Greg Fitzsimmons and then there's a video and you're like what yeah I can't believe this and then you call your agent like look Greg it's in the contract you're like oh my god, my God. I'm retired. I'm out. They're like, look, it's funny.

It's about the Greg Fitzsimmons show. It's funny. But it's also product placement. Yeah. You'd be like, oh, no. Nobody can really write a tweet for you that doesn't sound like it's not you. It's kind of like because it's so tight, it's like it really has to be your wording. Yeah.

You would have to get somebody who really knew you. Well, when I put out my podcast, I have my producer put out the tweet because he's the one that uploads it. So then I know that as soon as it uploads, he just sends a tweet saying, so I give him a blurb to write ahead of time so that when it goes up, it's written. But sometimes if I don't give him one, he writes it, and it's just immediately, I don't know what it is, like something subtle. You can just tell it wasn't sent by the person that it says it is. Well, you get a sense of someone who they are when you read just their posts on a message board or you read their Twitter feed. You don't get it all. But if you're reading 140 characters a day over a long period of time, 140 characters a tweet rather, over a long period of time, you kind of get a sense of the terrain time you kind of get a sense of the terrain Mm-hmm, you kind of get a sense of the way people phrase things and say how angry they are. Oh, yeah It's a big indicator of anger. You could find out some fucked up shit about people just by reading their angry tweets

Yeah, like what are you getting mad at dummy? Yeah, Jesus Christ This person away from your fucking life and And just everything's like, I have to watch myself. I can get bitter because I think it's funny to write something that, and I'm not really being bitter. It's just like, it's the easy path to a laugh, bitter. And then I look back and I go, wow, that was 12 bitter ones in a row. How the fuck do I look right now? I follow several people that I think are idiots. I follow several people that I think are idiots and one of the things

that I really enjoy following is people that are not very bright but that give a lot of advice like people not very bright but their twitter feed is always advice like what you need to do in this world is go for your dreams and like you

you read their twitter feed and you're like oh okay like it's an insight it's an insight. It's an insight to someone struggling for sanity, like an insight to someone trying to find sense in the world with this dull 9-volt brain. Yeah, it's definitely the access to giving people information has outweighed the ability to supply it in an equality way. There's just like, I even feel it like i can't

i can't tweet every day sometimes i just don't really have anything to say but you know you feel like i should put something out today and then you write something you go what the did i write that for that was stupid i like taking days off twitter i think it's good to do yeah yeah because i think some days i don't have to say say. I think taking days off, you know, I was talking about this the other day. We were talking about stand-up in this way, that taking days off stand-up, taking weeks off stand-up. I think it was Callan I was talking to. We were talking about how if you go and go and go, your act gets really tight, everything feels really good. But when you take like a week off and then jump back in, the enthusiasm just cranks back up again.

Yeah. You know, I think that's the case with pretty much everything in life. If you do things too much, you lose your perspective. Like you lose like what it is about that thing that you really enjoy. Yeah. You need little breaks. Yeah. A bit can get a lot stronger when you walk away from it for a little while and you come

back and you go, oh, I didn't even get why I wrote that bit. That's what i was originally thinking it's about this yeah you tighten it up and you realize that like for me you know you make a lot of choices throughout a bit i can go this way or go that way sometimes you just get the clarity when you come back to it to see that you were that that was uh you got a cheap laugh off that one time and you thought that was part of the bit and it wasn't it. It was just a, it was a, you got lost for a second. You got to come back. Yeah.

I have a bit that I just added to another bit that I abandoned years ago. Like I had it and then I lost it. Like I had it for a while. It was like a very strong bit. And then I fucked something up with it. I tweaked it wrong. And it just got too complicated. And I was like, well, there's too many jokes similar to that.

I'll just put it aside. And I put it aside for years and years. And the other day I was on stage. I was in the middle of one bit. And I started thinking about, oh, my God, that fits right in there. And like a glove, it just slid into place and crushed. It was like almost like I was holding it. Like it was a wedge that I didn't have a gap for yeah

And then all of a sudden oh, it's right there Yeah, and all its liabilities were out the window because it didn't like as a standalone bit didn't have an ending It's like yeah, but when I shoved it in the middle of this other bit that already had an ending It just made that bit way better. Yeah, and you didn't have to work on it and fine-tune it You'd already done that work. Yeah, it just needed a place needed a place that's why I think stand-up comedy like spending time just going over your act is like one of the one things that we all could do more of I did this thing with Ari where I went over uh shiny happy jihad which was a cd I put out in like 86 or something like that or 2006 rather and um when we went over it we're talking about why he did this, why he did that.

And I really hadn't thought about a lot of it. And listening to it for the first time in all these years, like I don't remember the jokes. So like a few of them I remembered, but some of them were really making me laugh. Like I didn't, I never had heard them before, even though they were mine. You know, I completely forgot them.

And going over it like that, like made me like super fucking enthusiastic to go to stand-up And I got on this like real rampage over the next few weeks after that yeah that really helped me Yeah, and it made me think like man. That's probably an aspect of Comedy that we don't like to do that. We probably all should be doing sitting down going over all of your act Mm-hmm going over your notes going over all the different bits, and is this the right order for them? What's a better order? Why don't we try this order tonight? Why don't we try this for the first show and that for the second show? Well, that's what's nice about when you go to a club and you work there for three nights is you got two afternoons where you can tape your set

and listen to it the next day and think about it and then give yourself some time to write new shit. And, you know, you really have nothing to do except focus on your stand-up for, you know, two straight days. Then you come back to L.A. and you go on at the Improv somewhere and people are like, wow, you got, like, fucking a lot of new material there that's good. And, like, you wouldn't have that if you were just working in town. Right.

Or if you were, you'd have to be really disciplined. Yeah. Really disciplined to make sure that you're just going up and doing, this 15 minutes is going to be all about blank, you know? Yeah. It's just a fun, fun fucking thing to do, man. Yeah. Still, after all these years,

people who don't know, we started out together like within a week of each other. Right. That's crazy. Yeah. Dude, we're old as shit. We have 25 years? Dude, we're old as fuck.

Yeah, we're old as shit. Remember when you were a kid and you thought of someone who was 47? You're like, what? Yeah. 47? That was beyond middle age. Like, middle age is 40. Yeah, you're a dead man.

Yeah. I remember I was in high school and I had a thing for Madonna. I found out Madonna was 26. I was like, god damn, that bitch is old. Like, she's 26. Good lord. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I used to like older. I always liked older women.

How old? Well, when I was, I guess when I was in like ninth grade, I fooled around with this girl that was a senior, but it was like, you know, she wasn't doing it because she was turned on by me. It was just like, I hung around her a lot and she was like throwing me a bone so she'd let me see her tits and stuff. But then when I was like 19 I dated a woman who was turning 40 that summer. It was like a whole summer long romance. She was this big corporate lawyer

very successful and I was living out in the Hamptons with my brother and another guy and like this shitty, it was a one bedroom just flea ridden. You woke up every day covered in bites. Oh, my God. And they had a two-bedroom next to us, her and her sister, the Palumbo sisters. And they had this beautiful two-bedroom with, like, top-shelf liquor,

and they were Italian from Queens. And so they'd come out, and they would cook pasta and chicken cutlets, everything, all weekend. And we would just move over there. My brother was hooking up with one sister, and I was hooking up with the other one and then we would just like Fuck around and eat and drink and then we'd go dancing with them at night Then they'd leave on Sunday night And they'd give us like all this Tupperware with all the leftovers in it that we'd we'd survive on for a couple more days

Then they come out on the weekends. Oh, she was the greatest Wow. Yeah 40 huh 40 years old you were 19. I was 19. How was her body? Good good, you know Italian girls They age well at brown skin tight Was she getting off a big divorce feet? No, she was a workaholic. I think she was you know, she was a corporate lawyer She was big Made a lot of money Was she on top most of time yeah she took control Wow yeah right it she'd ride it yeah she'd hold the base and then it was all damn

it was like hers all up to her Wow standard shift she fucked you she fucked me whoa I pushed back and she'd yell at me whoa you don't move whoa you little shit you're in your shit you're in high school spit my mouth stick her feet in my that's where the foot thing came from she would stick her feet in your mouth oh god no no will you allow it to be on top oh yeah no look i was an animal when i was 19 i was an animal i couldn't be stopped i just i just was so horny i was so horny that when women finally let me start having sex with them, I would ravage them.

I would just, my hands, I was, you wouldn't see me laying with my arms by my side. I didn't care for having sex for an hour. I was still working. I would grab a nipple, fucking fish hook. The hands were moving all the time. Can I get one in the asshole? Then I am.

I'm checking. I'm going to check the oil. Let's check it. Yeah. Let's see what we can get away with here. How far can I push it on every single encounter? That was my MO. Wow. Yeah. You're an animal. Then they stop you and you go, alright, that's the line. We don't cross that.

Till next time. We try it again. If you thought about the difference between you as like a 12-year-old or 11-year-old and then puberty and then riding the furious waves of puberty, which is what I call like 16, 17, 18. Yeah. Like those years, like into 19 even, like by the time you like figure out how to stay on the wave, the wave of hormones that your body starts producing and how different your observations on life are. that your body starts producing and how different your observations on life are. Like when you're 10, you don't give a fuck about ass or tits or feet or high heels or the way a girl puts her lipstick on.

But when you're 17, you're jerking off to magazines. Like you're taking magazines, you're beating off on the girl's pictures on magazines. Like look at naked bodies and you're beating off like, yeah. And I can just remember going into a white noise space where nothing else mattered i was jerking off and the world shut down around me it was just so intense it was like i guess what somebody would feel like if they went in like heroin nod it was so like all encompassing yeah yeah it's a drug i mean your body's trying to reproduce your body's trying to give you all these fucking neurochemicals these feel-good juices to pump through your body yeah

serotonin and dopamine and love and oxytocin and come hurry up come ah good we win we reproduce Hurry up, come. Good. We win. We reproduce. And the eggs break open. The little kid comes out screaming. You're like, how the fuck? Yeah. Because they tricked you with that cum juice. That's it.

That feeling that you get when you just, oh, rub my balls. That's how you make a person. That sweet relief is this weird biological trick. Isn't that amazing? It's the most it's the most intense incredible thing you do and it's also the most intense incredible feeling that you're having while you do it and if you don't smoke pot you don't even know what sex feels like you think you do weed makes sex feel so much better hey what did you think of that article i sent you from the new yorker about the fascinating Fascinating. Isn't that wild?

Yeah. Explain what it is. Basically, you know, all the testing that they did on mushrooms and LSD back in the 60s. I mean, starting. I think they started in, what, like the 40s, right? Well, Gordon Wasson was the guy who originally started bringing mushrooms to the Western world. He was the one who started—I think it was Life magazine. world. He was the one who started, I think it was Life Magazine. They published some shit about him or some shit about his, uh, his, uh, trials to Mexico, travels to Mexico and his experiments

with magic mushrooms. I think that was, I think that was in the fifties. Yeah. So, so they did all these studies and then obviously the CIA did all the LSD studies in the fifties and sixties or mostly fifties, I think. And then all of a sudden they outlawed it, and they just said, bury that data. And it just disappeared. You cannot find any of the testing results that they did from back then. And so they lost a lot of good progress. And so this New Yorker piece is talking about how suddenly scientists are getting the green light from major universities, Harvard and Yale and Boston University are all funding studies to look back

into what he called the drug and magic mushrooms psilocybin psilocybin yeah and what they're doing is they're doing controlled testing and they're giving it to people specifically that have terminal illnesses and helping them deal with the you know, their mortality, literally that they're going to die. And how do you wrap your head around that? How do you deal with the depression that comes with that? And they're giving them the mushrooms and they're having, 70% of them are having mystical experiences, like God-like experiences. And then they are holding on to it. It doesn't go away. They are walking through

the rest of their lives, realizing that all is love. They said that's the common thread that runs through all of them is that it's all about love. And they get that in their head and they die with it. Whenever, you know, if they last another year, two years, they don't need another experience on the mushrooms to get back to that place. It stays with them. Well, I think if you're at a real transformative period of your life, I mean, that's the biggest transformation ever, right? Going from life to death, the ultimate last trip that we all take, you're probably like super emotional and very engaged. And I would imagine that under that kind of stress and that kind of

like uncertainty, a mushroom trip would be even more profound. But if you have a real powerful psychedelic trip and it doesn't change your, your complete total view of, of reality, you probably just didn't get a high enough dose. That's all it is. I mean, I know I've talked to a lot of people who've done mushrooms and they loved it. They a great time they're like oh my god we were on the beach we were so silly we laughed for hours it was so beautiful it was this amazing experience opened me up to the way the world was and made me feel like they probably had that wonderful experience they really probably did but the difference between that kind of experience and like what they're giving these people in these these trials like

You give people like five dried grams of psilocybin mushrooms That's like a big breakthrough dose and you have this overwhelming like incredible visionary like transformative experience that Most people don't get to like the DMT experience is supposedly the most intense out of all the psychedelics out of all the the what McKenna used to call like the center of the mandala if there's all psychedelic experiences vary whether it's peyote or mushrooms or sage which is what is it that that fucking one that everybody gets at grocery stores still available sal still available, salvia, salvia divinorum. It's essentially like a sage plant.

They all reach some different psychedelic state. But the center of the mandala, the craziest one, is the dimethyltryptamine experience. And if you have the dimethyltryptamine experience, it's impossible to look at the rest of reality the same way again because you always know that that's that's in your head How long does that last very very short? It's only like 15 minutes. No, but I'm saying how long does the effect that last? It depends on how much you

Entrench yourself in the the common threads and themes and pathways of everyday life You can jump right back into everyday life and it doesn't last very long at all. It's like this unbelievably profound, loving experience where when it's happening, you just feel overwhelmed, first of all, by the truth in these entities that you're encountering, like how much they know about you, like how much they know about who you are. And then the reality of like, that might not even be entities, it might might be you it might be there are many yous that encompass you just like there's billions of e coli living in your gut there might be like various streams of consciousness that are almost like entities that exist in your mind at any given time and you might be tapping into these and turning these to 11 when you're on a psychedelic it might be what the psychedelic is really doing is introducing you to the potential of all the chemicals in your mind,

if like optimized in this one brief burst of love and color and just geometric objects and patterns, just representing imagination at its fullest, wildest, most open flower. And then that might be what's happening when you're doing these things. But regardless of what the actual, you know, whether it's both or neither one, the experiences themselves, they change the way you view the world because you know that that's possible now, or you never knew that that was possible. You always felt like everything in my life, you know,

if there was a scale from the worst experiences I've ever had to the best experiences I've ever had, everything is sort of categorized. So it was like, well, I know what it's like to be scared. Well, I know what it's like to be in a car accident. Well, I know what it's like to get a blow job. I know what it's like to play football. I know, you know, you know, you have all these things and you say, well, I have a pretty good idea of what life is. And then you take three hits off of this little vaporizer pipe and you hear this like crackling like burning plastic and you see this chrysanthemum looking sort of like the flower of life you know that flower of life that's described like you uh you see it in

a lot of like ancient hindu art yeah it's um it's a geometric pattern and um a lot of like ancient Hindu art. Yeah, it's um, it's a geometric pattern and This flower of like you you see this flower this on DMT. Oh, yeah for sure Almost everybody sees it you see some version of it, but the things that are you're seeing are happening so fast It's so different they're all they they're never the same thing Like you look at something and it becomes something else, like instantly, constantly, always changing. So you never can really lock on to anything. Everything is constantly moving and morphing and looking at you. And sometimes it's like gestures and they're giving you the finger. And then they disappear behind these fractal cyclones of geometric patterns that turn into flowers, that turn into grass, that turn into babies coming out of vaginas, they're turning into you, they're turning into handshakes and hugs and love. And it is insane. And it happens for about 15 minutes. And when it's over, just knowing that that can ever happen.

Yeah. It's just a matter of whether or not you remember it. Well, they said also it deals with depression. It helps people with depression a lot. And I think it's maybe that when you're depressed for long enough, you literally forget what it feels like to feel good. Yeah. And I think that by giving you that intensive, a good, positive experience, it makes you go, oh yeah, I'm supposed to try. I'm supposed to, you know, achieve that in whatever means I can, you know, whether it's exercise or, you know, sex or whatever it is that you've just stopped doing because you're so depressed. It gives you the inspiration to try to get back there.

Yeah. And it also, it's like a really intense form of love. You know, that's a weird way to describe it, but the psychedelic experiences make you feel loved. Not to everybody. But does that mean you have to do it? Everybody shouldn't do it because some people have mental issues. Some people, regular reality is slippery already. And they probably shouldn't be doing anything. Right. But the people that do do it, that are in a good place when they wind up doing it, oftentimes experience this profound sense of being loved.

How important is it who you do it with? Very important. That's what it said in this, is they have people that walk you through it that are professionals at guiding you through this kind of experience. Yeah, that's super, super, super important. Like a lot of those indigenous tribes that do these shamanic rituals, they have like very like rigid sort of ideas of like this is what we do. We sit down and we're all going to like, you know, we're all going to talk. We're all going to drink this liquid.

And this guy's going to blow tobacco smoke and play the drums, and it's slowly going to come on, and it's orchestrated. They're setting this up, and this guy's going to sing, and these guys will sing these things called Icaros, and these Icaros are these songs that they sing that accompany the DMT experience. So when you smoke DMT and you listen to these songs, you see these things dancing. Like as they're,

like I'll play it for you. I've played it on the podcast. I think there's like tours now of some of these native places to take the whole experience. There's a lot of them, dude. Oh, I cut it on my phone. There's a lot of these fucking tours. They're doing it all over the place

and they're doing it, you know, some of them, it's not good too because there's going to be people that are capitalizing on those situations where, you know, they, they're just profiting. Of course. You see people holding up their cell phones, recording it. Yeah.

Yeah. I got it right here. Oh, plug it in. Nah, I'll just play it on the thing here. But, um, I think that, think that it should all be legal. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do as far as you want to, if you want to run around and you want to have a good time and do mushrooms or drink whiskey or whatever it is. Well, the whole scare used to be, I'm sorry.

I was going to say, but when you see these studies coming out about the benefits of it, it makes you feel bad that all these people were kept from that for so many decades. There's a lot of people from 1970 when they made mushrooms illegal and LSD and pretty much everything to 2014. That's horrible. That's 44, 45 years while these really beneficial plants have been illegal and for no fucking reason there's no no reason that makes any sense yeah it's um man it was it was the rockefeller laws right was that what uh someone someone i don't know who was responsible for it all but there was a sweeping illegalization or sweeping Prohibition Act that covered shit that's not even psychoactive.

They just started marking things illegal. They didn't know exactly what was legal, what wasn't legal. But they lumped shit in like everything that was Schedule 1. There's all non-toxic, non-lethal drugs that are Schedule 1, like a giant percentage of them, which is crazy. Because that just shows you that there's a giant problem with the way they're classifying drugs still in 2015. Marijuana federally is still a Schedule 1 drug. Yeah, right, right. It's fucking completely ridiculous.

Same as crack. Same as, yes. Same as cocaine. Well, cocaine and then heroin is Schedule II, right? Because I think they have medicinal uses, you know, because opiates they use for painkillers. And there's medical cocaine. I want to make sure that I'm right about that because I think they might have changed that. Well, that was the whole thing that black people feel like is that why is it that crack is Schedule I and cocaine is Schedule II?

Because crack is for black people and cocaine is for white people is the implication. Yeah, that's true, which is unbelievably racist, right? There's the issue. Heroin is one. It used to be two. I believe now it's one. And coke is still two, which is fucking bananas. But look, psilocybin. Psilocybin.

And marijuana. And LSD. And mescaline. Jesus Christ. Is there a danger with psilocybin? No. You can't freak out on it? Yeah, you can definitely freak out. But you come back?

Well, hopefully. So there is a possibility. If you get that close to the abyss, I mean, the experiences that you have in those things, if you have a weak heart, it would probably be incredibly taxing because a lot of people feel like they're going to die. They relive their entire life. They look at themselves through this really intense introspective vision that freaks them out. You know, the harsh introspective aspects of a lot of these psychedelics really bother some people.

And if you're like barely hanging on, if you're like on the verge of a heart attack, it could push you over the top. Adderall's scheduled too. I used to take that shit. Well, that's legal. Yeah. All that shit they could prescribe. Look at all that stuff. It's a lot of stuff. Yeah, there's a lot of drugs up there. Look at all those drugs. They did a special on 60 Minutes last night about that they think they have a cure for the Ebola virus. I mean, it worked. They only had like seven batches of it, and they gave it to seven people, and they were all cured. But they knew about it since the 70s, but it's taken them this many years to develop it because none of the pharmaceutical companies can make a profit off of it

because the government wasn't buying it they weren't really you know actively you know they were looking for a cure but not really putting any money behind it and so but in order to make this cure they have to like take fucking thousands of acres of this special kind of tobacco and they have to soak it in this chemical and all to come up with like a dozen doses. Wow. It's crazy. That's so strange. When you think about what these indigenous tribes have been able to do with these plants, that's when it gets really strange.

Think about the fact they've figured out like a big percentage of the pharmaceutical drugs that we use today, today big percentage of them come from like rainforests They find these plants. Yeah, they find a lot of plant like they're constantly searching the rainforest for different medicinal properties of plants They think that one day they're gonna come up with some plant that cures cancer They're gonna find it and the Amazon they use them for a lot of different purposes Hmm, which is you know weird these people figured out some of them on their own, you know The ayahuasca thing they figured that thing on their own they figured out how to blend plants and make a drug out of it like they figured out how to boil it and the whole thing they use a pot and they boil it and it takes hours yeah and they all figured out a way how to do this which is just a lot of trial

and error a lot of stuff they tried that somebody died from and they went well check that one off yeah like the the knowledge of what you can eat in your neighborhood. Yeah. Fucking super important, right? The wrong little stripe on a frog and you're dead. You know, the wrong little, you know, little spot on a bug that can kill you. Knowing how to plant the seeds in a way that makes them grow correctly and how to burn out the forest when it needs to be burned out i was just in yellowstone and they

were they were talking about how that you know that the native people used to set fires they just they knew the schedule to rotate burning the forest out so they didn't get super fires and that the ashes were... Is that it? Yeah, this is the sound that you listen to when you're fucked up on DMT. I wish I could describe what it looks like, but you see the song. When you're under the influence, you actually see it.

Like the song takes place in a three-dimensional form. It's like it's a dancing thing. It's not just a sound. It becomes like a dancing object in your mind. Like it transforms the trip. And do people describe it similarly, what they see? Yeah, but it's hard to describe. So I think they're saying something similar,

but there's no real words for it. Like everything that I've said, the way I described it, is really shitty. It's like you can't really do it. There's no context for the experience. The experience is so weird, there's no context for it. So if you described it and I listened to your description, I'm like, I guess we were in the same place. But it's not like, yeah, there was this tree. You remember there was a tree and it had a broken branch and it laid over oh yeah i remember that it was right near the fountain yes and it's not like that like you

would be describing it to me it'll be like okay maybe complex geometric patterns floating in and out of existence constantly morphing in front of you. It's all love and understanding. I guess you were in the same spot. Was there a 7-Eleven? What did it smell like? Did it smell like bum piss? Yes, bum piss. Oh, we were in the same spot. Yeah.

You could talk about, oh, I went to the ski lodge. You walk in, there's a big moose on the wall. Oh, yeah, I've been to that spot. You say, oh, we did LSD. What was it like? Oh, it's just, I spent an hour staring in the mirror and I watched my entire life from birth to that moment on fast forward. Yeah. You know, okay. That's because you're not going to jot it down while you're doing it. It'd be great if they come up with a technology where they can videotape

what your imagination is going through while you're tripping on something and then show it in major theaters around the country? That's one of the things that someone, it might have been McKenna again, was speculating that one of the best ways to deliver a psychedelic trip to someone was virtual reality and figuring out a way through like CGI imagery to reproduce the effects of the trip, like this, the reproduce what you're seeing. Yeah. If they could get the technology to that point where they could, someone could go to trip, you know, do mushrooms or do DMT trip and then figure out a way to reproduce that. Then you would take the drugs out. Somebody could just watch the trip and feel the trip? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that it could be possible,

that it could be done that way. He was totally believing it could be done that way. There's people that say they could do it with yoga, man. There's people that say they can have full-blown psychedelic experiences,

hallucinations, visuals, being transported to the center of the universe and dancing with angels, the whole deal. And they do it all through yoga. Yeah. Yeah.

I know with meditation, there's certain levels you can get to. I mean, I do very basic TM. I've been doing it for like six months, but I do it twice a day. Six months? Yeah. When made you start? Everybody I talked to that had done it had a profound experience with it. You know, their lives were better.

You know, Seinfeld has done it forever. And a lot of comics that I like, we're doing it. What do you do? It's really simple. It's a very unguided meditation. You just kind of sit in a comfortable place. They give you a mantra that you do. And you're not tied to the mantra. You're not like repeating it over and over again. And that's all you think about. It's more of like, it kind of leads you. It's sort of the way they describe it is it's almost like it's off in the distance and you can hear it, but you're not, it's not your whole focus. And then your brain can go wherever it's going to go. You can go into little daydreams and then you can gently notice that and

pull yourself back to the mantra and do that. And you just let yourself go with it. And it's very nonjudgmental. You don't ever judge where your mind went. You don't snap yourself go with it and it's very non-judgmental you don't ever judge where your mind went you don't snap yourself back to it and then and then it ends it feels like it feels like five ten minutes and twenty minutes ends I set my alarm and then you just feel totally rested and centered and stress is gone and like my baseline of depression has been so much higher since I started you mean the baseline meaning like like I get depression and this helped me a lot oh so you're not saying like the depression is higher no I'd say the the bad the bad part of the depression the level is

higher right um that's that's really fascinating what is the mantra what do you say well they give each person a different one. I mean, there's X number of mantras. I don't know how many there are, but they assign them to you. Like what? Give me an example. What a mantra? Like OM is like the classic mantra. So it doesn't have to be a word. It could be like a- No, it's a sound. It's always a sound. Yeah.

So you just sit there and make the sound. Well, it's Sanskrit, so it's different sanskrit sounds tm is like transcendental meditation is all sanskrit right wow and so just sitting there going home well no it's all you don't say it you don't verbalize it in your mind in your mind you do it but it does have a resonant sound because they say even mentally there's some kind of reverberation that goes on so this just doing this has raised like whatever depression that you do get, it takes a longer time to come on and it's, it's less impactful. It doesn't stay. It doesn't stay. And I don't go down as far as I did. And that's probably the

chief reason I started is that I'd read a lot about it. And it said that that's one of the main things, you know, anxiety and depression can be tied hand in hand. I don't experience, I don't think I experienced anxiety as much as just, you know, my family has depression. You know, everybody in my family's got it. And it's just something that, you know, you can medicate it, you can exercise it out, or you can, you know, there's a lot of different ways to go at it. that we have to regulate the mind, to manage the mind, by just taking a thing, like a sound, and rolling it over in your mind, over and over and over again.

And it's almost like a cycle, like a cleaning cycle. Yeah, it's like stopping the cycle. It's stopping the cycle of thoughts that are nonstop in your mind. It gives you a break. It's almost like, it's like doing a cleanse. It gives your stomach and your colon a chance to clean itself.

So twice a day, you're stopping that cycle. And that's the thing that I find with it is that I get bored of the cycle. Like if I'm going through my day, I'm having a cycle of thoughts like anybody does. And you don't notice that it's a cycle until you stop and it's all that's in your mind. And then you go, oh, you're fucking, that's boring. We've already thought that. Yeah. And you just kind of let it go and it goes away that's that i like that idea of a cleaning cycle like you you introduce like a cleaning agent for 20 minutes and you uh nip all

the buds and parse all the problems and settle it all down that makes sense because me at my worst in my life the when i felt most out of control in my life or doing the wrong shit or you know least in control of my my uh emotions i've always felt like i was on like too much momentum like i couldn't stop like i was like the the momentum of all my past acts was like overwhelming me and I was just running to keep from getting run over and like something like TM or for me it became martial arts and then later the tank the tank helps a lot to just get into that space where you just let it all go and once you do let it all go you could start fresh right but when you don't get a chance to do that it seems like you're constantly dealing with this

phone call what's connected to that thing that you got to take care of you didn't clean out that thing and fucking this guy wants to meet you because you're supposed to do that thing and it's all like it all builds up to the point where you're the anxiety is oftentimes just the data the sheer data that you're dealing with every day in life yeah whether it's emotional shit whether it's memory shit whether it's work related shit or family related shit it's emotional shit, whether it's memory shit, whether it's work-related shit or family-related shit. It's like, fuck. And your thoughts all go to, they all go back to, I mean, not to be Freudian because I'm not Freudian, but there are aberrations in your thoughts in terms of how we perceive ourselves and what external events, how we identify ourselves based on external events, like, I didn't get this job. That means, well, you can

control what that means. There's ways of having, you know, cognitive changes where you stop yourself from thinking what you thought from being a child and having a father that beat you or even something more subtle, you know, things that affected over time the way you connected external events to how you felt about yourself and you can go in and you can just By by repeating, you know, no that doesn't mean that you know, that just means that this happened like power of now It's like you don't you don't you know, a thought is not a reality It's just something that is flowing through you and you can notice it and you can comment on it without is flowing through you and you can notice it and you can comment on it without internalizing it and going for the full ride. They say that's one of the things that people have the hardest time with when it comes to, uh, sufferers, um, people that are trying to overcome the abuse that they have

when they were in childhood, that when they were in childhood, because that abuse oftentimes like defines them. They feel like they're a shitty person for have been being abused you're damaged because you've been abused and you just sort of define yourself by this abuse that you've suffered yeah where you can't look at the bright side of things like you you look like it's always bad things are always going to happen to you it's like you've defined yourself in some way because of the abuse you've suffered or you even cause the abuse because you're bad right yeah you could have there was a reason Why I was beat it's my fault

So then when anything bad happens in your life you go back to thinking you caused it. It makes you think if this psychedelic legislation of the 1970s if it never had been passed and if these 35 years Since that happened if people had been allowed to explore These things and come to these conclusions and try to figure out like, well, what are the beneficial aspects of the way we behave and the way we think and the way we sort of qualify and quantify life's meaning, whether it's financial or whether it's family, like what's really smart about this? And how much more could we have done

if people were doing mushrooms, doing acid? So much more thinking would have taken place on these really, people could say they're frivolous, these are distractions, but they're not. You know, these ideas and concepts that you develop when you're either doing psychedelics or meditating or anything where you're involved in sort of an active assessment and resetting of your consciousness, whether it's yoga, meditation, whatever the fuck it is, tanks, isolation tanks.

What you're doing is you're allowing yourself time to reflect on what you're doing and whether or not it's beneficial and what could be changed. And if you don't have that reflection time, you oftentimes don't change unless you fall completely apart and you're forced to rebuild. You have to bottom out to change. Yeah. That happens to a lot of people. That's what they always say about drug addicts.

They have to hit rock bottom. They got to hit bottom. Anything, gambling, you know, and we're always shocked by people's bottoms. Like, you know, you look at somebody who just keeps fucking up. Like, you know, Britney Spears, when she was really going down the rails it was like hasn't she hit bottom yet nope not even close yeah and then there's other people like me i had a pretty shallow bottom i quit drinking when i was like i don't know 24 and uh i'd started drinking when i was probably 12 so i drank for you know a decent period of time but like i wasn't blowing guys for a sandwich.

I was just feeling like it was controlling my life. I was feeling like this is something I'm going to when I'm feeling sad or I'm going to when I'm feeling stressed. It was definitely the relationship to alcohol I had was bad because my father was an alcoholic. He died at 51, and so I just knew I didn't want to go down that path. So I had what you'd call a shallow bottom. But, you know, to see other people where it just can get so extreme, but that's the only time you really change.

And so for me, I think changing it with a shallow bottom meant that there was so much more baggage that went with it. You know, that I was bottoming out with feeling that I was dependent on something. And I wasn't, I couldn't be myself fully because there was a part of my psyche that was locked up in this thing. And that was enough for me to go, I got to change. I don't want to live my life like that. You did it young, man. I remember when you did it. I remember it because I remember you were almost like, like you had remorse that you had to do this. I felt like there was almost a sadness about you, about having it like, fuck. Yeah. I can't do this.

I just can't do it. I'm sorry. I'm going to miss it, but it's over. Yeah. And you just stopped. You didn't have to fucking join AA with all these other comics. There was a million comics that were in AA. And they were all like, they had this like real weird preachy thing about them too.

They'd look at you drinking. They'd shake their head. They were really annoying. You know? You didn't do that. You just stopped drinking. You stopped. Yeah, and it's funny because Boston, AA in Boston is a very intense thing.

Because with the same power they drank with, they got sober with. You know, they would rage with sobriety. And you know, look, God bless them. The people that used it and it worked for them, that's fantastic. But for some of them, it became like two meetings a day and, you know, you got three sponsors and it's like, you know, that's great, but, you know, move along a little bit here. You're getting a little caught up in this thing. Well, it becomes their culture. Yeah're the culture of sober people yeah that's a big culture strong culture yeah and if again like for some people it's life or death it literally is those are the stakes with the meetings oh yeah man and also it's a good launching pad for a lot of comics

oh yeah get up and do those meetings they tell hilarious stories about waking up shit face stuffed into a laundry machine. And, you know, they have these ridiculous shit-their-pants stories. Best crowd of all time. They're all sober. They're jacked up on coffee. They love it. And they know what the fuck you're talking about.

Yeah, yeah. You know, they're having a good time. I remember going to some— I think it was called, like, Misky Pa or something. I don't know why I remember that. But it was in Worcester, and the community gets together and they do these conventions where they had like, you know, a thousand people coming from all over New England staying in this hotel and just having meetings. You know, the 9 a.m.

There's a 12 o'clock step meeting and they'd all go. And apparently everybody's fucking everybody because they got all this energy to channel and burn off and so it's just hypersexual obviously very social i mean what's more social than you sit down in a meeting and the person next to you go how you doing 12 years sober how you doing i'm great 10 years so somebody does a motivational talk you clap you laugh everybody has a coffee halfway through what a fucking great way to meet people. And now you're just like normally you would go get drunk and pass out and instead you're awake.

And jacked up on coffee. And you all have something in common. Yeah. Talk about your sobriety while you fuck. Oh, I'm drunk with your cock. People love little groups. Being part of a nice little group that everybody else is trying to run marathons.

Yeah. Let's all get our marathon runners group together. Yeah. Oh, we're all owners of Datsuns. We're going to get our Datsuns. Oh, little doggies. Look, you're a little Datsun.

I got a Datsun too. I thought you meant Datsuns because there's probably a group of people that own Datsuns. Sure. Those old 240Zs, those are the shit.

Those old little Japanese sports cars, those are fucking badass. But those little groups of people, man, no matter what it is, they just, people love being part of those little Japanese sports cars, those were fucking badass. But those little groups of people, man, no matter what it is, people love being part of those little groups. You ever go to a dog park? What are you, shitting me? Same people every day,

and you know what they talk about while they hang out? Dogs. That's all they talk about. Well, I got a corgi. Mine's half corgi, half poodle, so it's a co-co-co-co-co. She is such a Pomeranian. Let me-co. She is such a Pomeranian. Let me tell you, she's such a Pomeranian.

Sometimes she looks in the mirror and she thinks it's another Pomeranian. She barks. It's adorable. But she's protective. I mean, you look at the size of her, you wouldn't think she's protective. Oh, she becomes an animal. She becomes a bear. How many people hear that?

Did you ever see Best in Show? Oh, yeah. That was great. Fucking amazing. That was great. Fucking amazing. That was awesome. They nailed it. They nailed that culture, and they did it in a subtle enough way. So it was just ridiculous enough where you go, that would never happen.

You go, that could fucking totally happen. Yeah, those people that are really into anything, man, no matter what it is, it's always funny. Yeah. Even us, the way we talk about comedy, I'm sure people think it's always funny yeah it's it's even to us like the way we talk about comedy I'm sure people think it's hilarious yeah you got to have something because and I think as you get older the more you want because I think you you don't realize when you're young that having a shared history about something is gonna be so important than the nostalgia of it they the self-identity of it and so as you get older all sudden like you got guys now they're you know

just rejoicing in the fact that they're geeks. Yeah. That they all watched Star Wars when they were kids, and now they get together and they talk about it. When they were watching Star Wars as a kid, they felt like a fucking geek. And they weren't necessarily sharing it with anybody. They were quietly watching it again and again, and then crying in their father's basement. You know, there wasn't, like, a solidarity about it. No, and you remember when, like, comic books used to be, like, for losers. No. And you remember when, um, like comic books used to be like for losers. Yeah. Like when I got rid of my comic books, I remember the girl I was dating was like, good.

Why do you need them? Why'd you have them still? You're 21. I'm like, I only got rid of them because I'm fucking broke. I sold them to eat. I missed them. I missed all of them. I collect those for a long fucking time. I sold them for like no money. And I remember what it was. But I had like these boxes. I had like three or four boxes filled with comics that I collected from the time I was like 15. Oh, shit. Probably even earlier. No, way earlier.

Because I had a couple of them from the time I was like 12 that I really started collecting when I moved to Boston. But before that, I guess I had some in San Francisco too. But the point being, I'd have them for a good chunk of my life. And I would open the plastic bags and pull out the fucking Hulk and different episodes that were valuable. This one's worth five bucks. Old X-Men and Punishers. I loved those fucking things.

But you were taught that you were like a loser. Like you're clinging on to some childhood stupidity. Now they have Comic-Con. A million people fly from all over the country to hang out in San Diego. And they all wear costumes and shit. And those magazines would be worth a lot of money right now. Probably. I had all the Mad magazines starting in 1975.

I had a subscription all the way through. Probably like three, four, five years. And I had them all. And then my mom just tossed them all out while I was in college. Cleaned out the attic. Oh my God. It was devastating. Because like you, I used to actually go back and read them. I thought they were hilarious.

Those old Mad magazines were fucking brilliant. Yeah. Those were good. My parents bought those when I was a little kid. I used to read them in the toilet. You know what else they had? R. Crumb. My stepdad was into R. Crumb. No shit.

Yeah, you ever read his comics? Yeah. I read that and the Fabulous Freak Brothers. My stepdad was a hippie. And when I was like seven, eight years old, when we all started living together, I guess it was like seven, I got introduced to this weird kind of comic books they would leave in the bathroom. The Fabulous Freak Brothers and-

That's San Francisco? Yeah. Yeah, that's when I was living in San Francisco, from like seven to 11. No, but I mean, I think the artist, that's San Francisco, right? Was he? I think so.

He lived in San Francisco, right? Yeah, Ark Roma, San Francisco. Did you ever see that documentary? Yeah. Fascinating shit. Yeah, really cool. He was a weird motherfucker. Still is. a weird motherfucker

he's still alive yeah wow i think he lives in france i think he moved to paris or something but his image is like he would draw these women with these ridiculous enormous asses and like men would be riding them and shit it was just very strange fetish and like seeing that as like a little boy i remember thinking like what who is this weird fucking guy? And why is he drawing these people like this? The Fabulous Freak Brothers was a big one. They were all hippie comic strips, all black and white comic books that were designed for adults. It was very strange stuff.

Yeah, it was very, you could call it perverted but it was actually just really raw it was like it was like it wasn't dirty it was just graphic yeah it was just like and and resonated it seemed kind of honest yeah like watching this weird fucking guy with glasses r crumb like his version of himself they would do like riding on top of these women that with his enormous asses and high heels and they it was very strange but you could tell like for him this is like this wild fantasy i gotta see that movie again it's really good shit insight into you know a really extremely creative artist and all the weird demons that that flow through his brain that make him or or angels whatever it is yeah make him create his

very strange art I think if there's anything like that today I mean this there's all this cartoons like Adult Swim kind of cartoons that are a little offbeat but they're nowhere near as raw as this stuff no I think that if you did it today you'd be accused of being misogynist yeah oh yeah no his stuff was definitely had raced you had a lot of racist overtones. Yeah. But that's what I mean by it was raw. It was honest. It was like, no, this is how this guy thinks.

He's writing. There's something that you could appreciate about this guy is unadulterated putting his thoughts on paper. Yeah, let's Google R. Crumb racism, and then look at this. Bam. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean he's doing total blackface images. Like Jesus Christ. But he was like a

hero of the counterculture at the time. Oh yeah. He did a lot of like oh my god, look at this one. Shit. I mean these are really fucking racist man. Holy shit. But they had a sense of humor to them that you had to be you had to be in on the joke i guess if you just looked at it from the outside

you would just be like what the fuck kind of hate mail is this i know man wow this is weird this is weird to see i had forgotten how racist some of this shit was and how weird some of it was. Like, there's him and this woman with these enormous, like, horse-like legs. Like, they were so exaggerated. The size of their asses and legs. He was the first big-ass guy. Way before J-Lo.

Uh-huh. Way before any of these people. He was, like, the first. He was, like, really into giant asses. But he also had like really cool like political shit. You know, like here's one of him riding a woman.

Look at that. How strange. Look at the legs, yeah. Yeah, he would ride these women that were in cut off jeans. Jesus Christ. Oh yeah, I've seen this. This is a famous one. The true Amazon. Low-off jeans. Jesus Christ. Oh, yeah, I've seen this.

This is a famous one. The true Amazon. Low center of gravity. Wide hips. Strong back. He, like, had these weird fetishes about thick, powerful women that he would ride. I wonder what his sex life was. You think he must have been with big prostitutes. Damn, who knows? I wonder if he would tell us. You think he was, he must have been with big prostitutes. Uh, damn, who knows?

I wonder if he would tell us. You gotta get him on your podcast. Yeah, I bet he doesn't do podcasts. I mean, I don't know where he even is. I think he is in France. You think he's on Twitter? I'm gonna say no. What do you think?

I'm gonna say that if you got in touch with him and you said, I'll come to you. I want to talk to you. I'm a big fan. He wouldn't give a shit if it was a podcast or whatever. I bet you that guy would sit down with you. Really? Yeah. That's my guess.

I would say just the opposite. I'd say he's just some fucking weird guy who likes to hide from people. But I might be wrong. Only one way to find out. I think you'd be kind of introverted. Some of it is here. Drawing a blank with Robert Crumb is a Guardian article. Some of his work is pretty striking, but he's hardly worthy of his current status as God of the literary underground. Wow.

These are people who are upset. I remember my sister used to work in an art gallery in New York, the Alexander Gallery, and they had an R. Crumb exhibit. And I remember asking her and she said, no, he didn't come. It was a huge, like, month-long exhibit. Yeah, he probably doesn't want to deal with all the weirdness that he must get from these kind of strange images. Most of your images are, like, women with big, giant asses and huge legs, tree-trunk legs. And a lot of them have dudes riding these women. Like, people would get upset at you. Those would be uncomfortable moments.

Why are you making me look at this? What is is this what is your obsession with women with giant ankles i think they put him i think they used to put him in penthouse really i think so hmm this is really interesting keep on trucking that was his yeah yeah i mean he was like a part of that weird hippie subculture of like the late 60s and the 70s it's a strange time to be alive man these are the first people that were really kind of uh experimenting with lsd and cannabis was like oh my god some of these are so racist i can't even look at them anymore i am upset greg fitzsimmons i literally can't look at them looking up penthouse i know that's not one i would have around uh the house with the kids well i think people now they look at the content of it that was kind of what that guardian article was about they're like

hey uh this guy was kind of fucked up like why are we making him out to be this amazing artist but it is amazing art because it does something to you it gives you this reaction you know it's is it necessarily all good no but it's it's art like this is a very this is a very unique individual viewpoint like this is this guy's viewpoint and that's that is art you might not like it you might be weirded out by it but it takes weird people to make shit that strikes you in the way that this guy's work strikes people well art's turned into something that people are supposed to agree with and and you know and it's supposed to not offend anybody and that's the opposite art's supposed to shake it up it's supposed to challenge i mean you think about punk rock and now it's almost like folksy when you think about oh punk rock yeah they have a mohawk and they pierce stuff and they jump up and down. But when it came out, it was anarchy.

It was at a time, you know, when it came out in London, it was about, you know, there were strikes going on at the time and there was riots going on in the street. And, you know, punk rock represented something that was really fucking scary to the status quo. Yeah, it wasn't just your mom won't buy you a car. And now they call Green Day punk rock. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? When Green Day was shitting on Justinin bieber we're not fucking justin bieber it was like oh god oh did they say if you have to say that you're not punk rock yeah i mean there was something where they're getting them off stage early do you remember that jamie yeah he freaked out and he said we're not fucking justin bieber i think he probably apologized to justin bieber after that

yeah i know offense like green day is a great band but they're not punk Bieber. I think he probably apologized to Justin Bieber after that. Yeah. No offense, Green Day is a great band, but they're not punk rock. Yeah, they're okay. They're an okay pop band. Yeah, they're a pop band. Yeah, it's not my style, but they have some songs that I like. Sure. If I hear them, I think they're enjoyable. Right. But this is like, R. Crumb was really essentially like punk rock comic books.

Yeah. Like this is like our crumb was like really essentially like punk rock comic books. Yeah. He a lot of the racist stuff that he did. He wasn't necessarily being racist as he was highlighting like how a racist would view something and doing it in a very shocking way. Like I don't think there can be. I don't think I've ever read anything. I might be wrong, but I don't think I've ever read anything that indicated that he was actually racist. No, no, I don't think so.

I think he was actually a big liberal. I think, you know, he lived in San Francisco, I believe. Yeah. But I think it was a lot to do with just being a boy expressing himself. He kind of had a rest of development. And he was in the same way that when I was 12 years old, the pictures that I would make would probably be in the wheelhouse of the shit that he was making he just made it much better and he did it as a man but to but to put big pussy lips and nipples that are you know four inches long like that's what he used to write he's I think he was just expressing that

yeah well also I guess what he was doing um with a lot of his images, there were racist pop culture images from the 1940s. So he was reviving this very specific type of imagery that was really racist. And so the real question, the argument in this article on HoodedUtilitarian.com, the argument was whether or not it was ironic and or parody and like whether it's enough to absolve him of doing these images. Yeah. Of reenacting them or recreating them. Hmm. It's interesting. It's interesting because it's kind of it's revealing like a very specific style of racist cartoons that they used to do.

Yeah. And in doing so, he's like, you know, he's highlighting it. He's showing you like, hey, like this is, if you're normal and if you are a reasonable person who's not racist, you're not going to get racist feelings from looking at this. What you're going to do is you're going to say, wow, this was like how people who are racist think. It's not going to make you racist. No, you look at like, you know, Chaplin was doing Hitler, you know, F Troop. You're depicting the Holocaust

in a way that brings some humor to it and brings a different angle to it. He had humor in his pictures. Yeah, you don't become racist by looking at racist shit, right? The idea is affecting developing minds, developing personalities, children, adolescents,

showing them racist stuff and letting them know it's okay. That can plant racist seeds. But once you're an adult, no one's going to make you racist. If you're Greg Fitzsimmons in 2015 and you see some fucking ridiculous racist imagery, you're not going to automatically become racist, right? So the real concern is like are we protecting people from these satire images because we're worried about the impact of them or because it's offensive?

It's offensive to some people. And it's only going to be offensive to some people until things even out. Like if you do ridiculous racist versions of white people i think it's hilarious and i'm white you know why because white people are ahead of the curve and if it evens out to the point where black people and white people and chinese people and everyone is on such a fucking even ground and that racism is completely preposterous but the racial differences of each nationality is allowed to be highlighted in brutal fashion, and nobody cares. Yeah. Like, Richard Pryor sold to white people the idea of mocking white people.

Hey, there, fella. You know, the white motherfuckers at work would, you know, like. And we laughed. Yeah. We all laughed. Your mama, bitch. My mom was a great old cow. Yeah.

You know, like, you could mock. White people never got offended by that. No, never. Never. It's like going, ah, very cute. But there's a lot of jokes. Like you're not even allowed to joke about certain people on stage, like at all. Like any joke about them is racist.

This is racist. Or it's homophobic or it's whatever, fill in the blank. Yeah. And that's ridiculous. And that's ridiculous. Like, that's ridiculous. Who did the joke about Rosa Parks and they got a lot of shit about it? Someone did a joke about Rosa Parks? Yeah, something like he was, she was just too tired,

she was too lazy to move to the back of the bus or something like that and it was like, it fucking blew up. It was a black comic. Hmm. I don't know if it was Cat Williams. No, it wasn't Cat Williams. But it's, what do you think about Leslie Jones? What's Leslie Jones?

She's doing fucking great. She's going to be in the new Ghostbusters movie. Who's Leslie Jones? You know her from the comedy. Oh, you know what? She probably left the comedy store before you came back. She's a black chick. She's tall.

She opened for Cat Williams for years. She's a killer. Okay, I doniams for years she's a killer okay i don't know her she's really fucking i think i've seen her on tv once she's she's a big funny great chick and she's uh she struggled for fucking 15 20 years doing stand-up i don't know 15 years maybe good for her and then she got a she got anL, and she's just blowing up on SNL, and then she just got Ghostbusters. Wow. Ghostbusters with all chicks.

Is that what it is? Yes. Oh. All chick cast. Okay. Good luck with that. Yeah. That's going to be a different angle on that.

The new remakes of movies are just, it's hard to get behind these remakes of movies. It's like, you know, we're going to flip the switch. We're going to do Cagney and Lacey with gay men. Yeah. You know, we're going to do, you know, not Cagney and Lacey. What was the one where they went off to fucking Thelma and Louise? Yeah.

They read the Thelma and Louise? With gay men. No. No. No. I was in. I was in. Two gay guys holding hands, driving off the cliff. And they're driving across the country just blowing guys in rest areas.

Yeah, just blowing guys and shooting women. Women that don't want to be gay, they get gunned down. And then they're running from the law. No, let her run first. Because wasn't Thelma and Louise, like, some guy did something horrible to them? Yeah, you know who played that guy? It was Brad Pitt. Oh, shit, that's right.

That's when he was a young, sexy guy. Oh, goddammit, he was a good-looking man. Beautiful man. Oh, the tits on him? Goddammit, he was perfect. That was a great movie, though. That was, like, the first chick buddy movie where the chicks were gangster. Right, right.

You know, there's a few of those moments where the chicks were like super fucking badass in a believable way. Yeah. One of the best ones was Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill was just as badass. Or how about this? Maybe even better. What was the, not Pulp Fiction, what was the one with Christian Slater? Oh, wow.

True Romance. Dude. Yeah, with Christian Slater? Oh, wow. True Romance. True Romance. Dude. Yeah, she was great. Come on, man. What's her name? Patricia Arquette? Is it Patricia Arquette or the other one?

Well, there was two movies that were similar. Right. There was Patty Arquette did one, and then what's her name in the other one? How many Arquettes are there? There's a David Arquette, Patricia Arquette. It was a Patricia Arquette. She was the one in True Remembrance. Yeah, when she, was it Gandolfini and her have that fucking crazy fight scene?

Or was it John Madsen? Who was it? Who else is in it? Is Gandolfini in it? That's all it says for the cast? But who, no, there was somebody that got in that. It was Gandolfini. Yeah, Gandolfini beats the shit out of her and she eventually kills him at the end. Dennis Hopper She's all fucked up and beaten up. You really felt like she had been in a fight and just killed this fucking guy. It wasn't like a Charlie's Angels type thing.

It was so real. Yeah. It was so real. What was the one with Juliette Lewis? Natural Born Killers. Natural Born Killers. That was pretty badass, though. Oh, Natural Born Killers was amazing. Yeah.

I want to get her in here, man. She said she would do it, too. She said she would do the podcast. She's a comedy fan, right? Yeah. She's done a lot of comics she's a fascinating person is she and she believes that like tom cruise is a victim of like propaganda when it comes to like anti-scientology propaganda i would love to hear someone who's like a happy scientist oh she's a scientologist yeah hardcore wow unless she doesn't want to talk about that have you had had a Scientologist on before? No. No.

I was curious how much they want to talk about it. I used to have a neighbor who couldn't shut the fuck up about it. Right. He loved it. He was telling me about how his wife was going clear. Yeah. She was spending 50 grand to turn clear. 50 grand.

You know what happens when you're clear? What? You're no longer negatively affected by outside influence, Gregory. That's amazing. It's incredible. 50 grand? Pay up. Probably going to be some outside influences because you're going to be broke.

This guy wanted to buy a piece of property. He couldn't buy it because his wife was going clear. I'm not kidding. He was talking about this piece of property. Are you kidding me? Yeah. He wanted to, you know, it was like adjacent to his property. He was thinking about buying it, but he couldn't afford it because his wife was going clear.

Did he try to get you to a meeting? No. Never tried. Nope. Nope. Explain it to me. Tell me how much it benefited him, but it wasn't proselytizing. Thank goodness.

Wow. That would have been ugly. That would be all pretty shit. Mr. Rogan, oh, you're in there. It's me. Happiness. Your happiness awaits. It's clarity.

It's at the door. It's your choice. Go with clarity or with at the door it's your choice go with clarity or with none the coast is clear joe don't they like to use like acronyms they have to they use abbreviations whatever it is for like all these different types of people suppressive people yeah like they have all these different like things that they call upon when they define like various aspects of negative people that you're encountering your life that disbelieve the tenets of Scientology. Yeah, there's like orgs, orbs, something. I read a book written by the niece of the guy who is the head of Scientology.

She broke out. She talked about being a child slave. They literally separated her. Meanwhile, her uncle is the head of Scientology, so she had juice. Still took her away from her parents and sent her to an all-child colony where she was raised. And then brought to Hollywood to live.

They kept moving her around. Every time she gets settled in, they just uproot her, separate her from her brother, send her to fucking Florida, send her to LA, the desert. And she talked about how the kids built the entire colony that they lived in. They did all the, they would just put them out to work every day. They'd work like eight hours just weeding and gardening and building fences and all this crazy shit.

And they would get schooled for like two hours a day. And it was mostly Scientology schooling. What's the name of the book? Raised by? Do name of the book? raised by Do you remember the woman I Get the worst fucking memory Hey, I can look it up Jamie. I'll find it. He'll find it And it's I gotta read that and it just tracks how you know, then she they don't want you to procreate

Because babies are a burden on the church. They want you to work. They want to create worker bees. And they discourage the, you know. How much does someone like Tom Cruise have to pay? They pay 10%? Is that the deal? I think it's tithing.

Yeah, it's probably like a 10% tithe. That's strong. And they got some videotapes if you don't want to pay. Or, you know, they make it worth your while to pay. They benefit you. They throw rose petals wherever that guy walks. And they're a publicity firm. Whatever you want changed about your...

Is this the book, Beyond Belief? Yeah, that's it. My Secret Life Inside Scientology and My Harrowing Escape by Jenna Miscavige. Yes, Miscavige. And Miscavige is the name of the guy who's the head of Scientology. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. I mean, it's really crazy that she wrote it because she was

when she left the church, she was threatened by, I mean, this is her fucking family, and they would come down and, like, threaten her, threaten her brother who was still inside the church, threaten her mother. They don't fuck around. Fuck, man.

Yeah, you could have been born there. I could have been born there. That's the luck of the draw. I was born Catholic. It's not... As was I. Could have been better. Did you do Catholic school?

Oh, yeah. No, no. I did Catholic school on Wednesdays and then church on Sundays. I did one whole year Catholic school. What grade? First. Oh, that's not too bad. It was enough.

Did they smack you around a little bit? No, scared me. Yeah. They maybe hit me very gently. Nothing serious. Nobody beat me up, but scared the fucking shit out of me and just sorrow. Just the walls were soaked with sorrow. Yeah.

Just awful, awful place. Who's the bloody guy hanging on the wall? That's the guy that you're supposed to be more like. Oh, I should end up like him? If you're good. If you're lucky. We're out of time,

Greg Fitzsimmons. Did you read off all your dates? I did. We're coming up in Denver, Addison, wherever. What's the website again? Fitzdogg.com and then the podcast

Fitzdogg Radio Radio twice a week. Tonight, Greg Fitzsimmons is also going to be at the Ice House in Pasadena. Probably sold out. It was very close earlier this morning, so most likely. It's going to be fun as shit. You, me, Duncan, and Tony Hinchcliffe. No, and Ian Edwards. Jesus Christ.

Nice. That's how it'll show. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe, Duncan, Ian, and Greg. God damn, son. Yeah. And me. So we'll see you dirty fucks tonight.

GregFitzDog.com. What is it? FitzDog.com. FitzDog.com. Greg Fitz Show on Twitter. And that's it, ladies and gentlemen. We'll see you next week. Until then, enjoy.

Big kiss. Be nice to each other. Bye.