The Joe Rogan Experience - #620 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 4, 2015

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his book "Life of the Party" on Amazon and his podcast "Bertcast" available on Spotify.

Jo Rogan Podcast, check it out! The Jo Rogan Experience Train by day, Jo Rogan Podcast by night, all day! His name is Bert Kreischer He's a motherfuckin' world traveler Unlike any other And even if he stops doing this travel channel gig He will be more traveled than any of you fucks.

I mean, essentially, you've traveled way more than the average person ever will in their life just in the last few years. Oh, just, I mean, you just talk about the stuff I've done on a daily basis. We talked about this one day. You called me and you said, hey, what are you doing? I said, I'm driving an old Russian motorcycle through rice paddies in Vietnam and you were like you gotta talk about that on stage

And I like yeah, you do. I'm annoying as fuck at a party if anyone's like oh we went ziplining I was like fucking ziplining. I did 120 on flight lines outside of Vegas almost broke my fucking knees and they're like So I almost broke your knees. Yeah, how do almost break your knees? So these flight lines are basically zip lines on steroids. They're massive cables and then massive rigs. And you have to control your body in the wind so that you don't go over 100 miles an hour because it's really hard to stop you. However, if the winds are bad, they'll cancel them. We were already up into the hike six miles.

You take the hike all the way through, zip line, flight line, then hike. You hike for six miles? You hike all fucking day. All day? And flight line a mile and a half, and then hike to the next flight line, then flight line two miles.

They're long. They're fucking gangster. They're in Bootleg Canyon in Vegas. Go outside and do them. They're amazing. How long is the ride? The ride's probably a minute and a half minute Wow I'm you're flying you're fucking flying and a bug hits your face it hurts

it hurts you get hit in the face I've been hidden fucking bugs by bugs a lot what about geese a goose I think about that constantly large fucking angry bird that happened to Fabio what yeah you know Fabio was riding roller coasters in New Jersey and a fucking seagull hit him in the face, broke his nose. No. Tintica, just type in Fabio goose fucking roller coaster. That's God. God doesn't like Fabio.

God's tired of seeing all of his favorite romance novels with fucking Fabio on the cover. That's what it was. Remember when Fabio used to pose for all those romance covers? Yeah. Those romance books were so fucking strange because they were like men that didn't truly exist in nature. I think that's probably where minotaurs came from. The idea of a man that was like half horse.

That's a minotaur, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or is it a half horse? Oh, damn, Fabio, you got crushed, son. So yeah, I think about getting hit by bugs and fucking so you only see it There's no actual video of the the goose hitting him in the face What if the dude just is tired or not getting attention? So he just wailed on his own nose and no one fucking listen. We all make a deal here

This is a goose that hit my face back Every fucking anyway any of you every one of those no romance novels would be this long-haired guy who was super romantic it was essentially like a morph between a man and a woman it was like a woman's desire for a man that's like one like beautiful handsome and blonde man with this long luxurious mane of hair and he was was always, like, holding her. Like, she was, like, she was just going limp, and he was, like, holding her body weight. And that's what sold the book. Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah. Because he did other authors. He didn't just do one author, and that would sell the book. Fabio would sell the fucking book. And it wasn't even a picture of him. It was just a drawing. It was a drawing of, like, a Fabio-esque character. I wonder if he, like, Kim Kardashian sued because there was some character in some commercial

that looked like her, so she sued. You know, like I guess they contacted her and she didn't want to do it. It was that William Shatner commercial. There was a William Shatner commercial where Kim Kardashian comes rolling in like a karate marshal and has like leathers on, but I thought it was Kim Kardashian.

There was also a Kim Kardashian video game that she had nothing to do with at first, and then she sued him, and now she's making shitloads of money off that game. It's like an app. Yeah, that's a little different. I mean, this is, she sued last year for $20 million

because there was a woman in a commercial. The chick's name is, it's an Old Navy commercial. The woman's name is... It's an Old Navy commercial. The woman's name is Melissa Molinaro. And she sued because the chick looked like her. Aubrey knows his friends with Melissa. Okay, well...

She's the musician girl, right? No, there's probably a lot of girls named Melissa. Okay. I think that's her. I don't know. Why don't you Google it? You got a computer? There's actually a dickload of Melissa Molinaros,

including the senator's assistant. Yeah, there's probably quite a few of those girls with that name. Do you know that girl? She does look like Kim Kardashian. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. I mean, she looks like her a little bit.

But how, I mean, what? No girls with dark hair are allowed to be on TV anymore? Is that what's going on? We have to pretend that every girl with dark hair is pretending to be you? How fucking egotistical is that? She's stealing her essence, though. But that's insane. Look, if someone comes along and creates like a

Bert Kreischer wild crazy guy with a beard who drinks and gets fucking crazy, you can't sue that guy. That's like, that's an archetype.

That's existed before. The, you know, the simple-minded gal who is a materialist who just wants to take photographs, that's not a, this is not a new thing, you know the simple-minded gal who is a materialist who just wants to take photographs that's not a this is not a new thing you know yeah she is actually on a death squad podcast i had her that same girl who got sued yeah how long ago was this this was uh 319 2011 with me and esther and melissa molyneux oh so it was before she got sued then because she got sued it says here in August of 2012 Wow, crazy shit. Yeah, but like like I thought of doing I thought of

We were doing an episode for trip flip in LA and I was thinking about getting um look-alikes like impossible personators Like get like 30 of them and have them at a party. So I was like, hey you guys wanted to meet celebrities This is Michael Jackson and then be like get like 30 of them and have them at a party. So I was like, Hey, you guys wanted to meet celebrities. This is Michael Jackson. And then be like, they would, I mean like they're from, they were from like Indiana.

They wouldn't know for like the first five minutes they'd meet. Like, like we, we'd start soft. Like this is a Katie bell. And they'd be like, Whoa, you know what you do,

dude, you get them drunk first. And then you, the celebrities all come out of a room together. You know, I was like, what if you a room together. You know? I was like, what if you got Hitler too? You really loaded it. That would be ridiculous.

You'd have to give him acid for that to work. This is Jimi Hendrix. So anyway, so Fabio got hit in the nose by a duck and fucked him up. So you were on these things and you were actually worried about getting hit. Oh, definitely. 100% worried about getting hit. So there definitely. A hundred percent worried about getting hit. So there's no precautions, right? You don't wear, do you wear a helmet or anything?

You've got, you know, all you're in like a big five point harness and then you just go fly and you're supposed to rock your body. Like you're supposed to literally go out like this. And for sometimes they'll put a parachute behind you to slow you down, slow you down. And good Lord, the weather changed on us. And I was getting nervous because it's lightning and you're on these big steel platforms in Vegas in the middle of the desert. Oh, good Lord. And I was like, fuck it.

I'm going. I'm going right now. And they're like, well, maybe we should. I was like, fuck it. And I was already locked in, and the guy sent me, and the winds picked up behind me, so they started pushing me. And I came in hot as fuck. I mean, you have, like, these big stoppers that are supposed to stop you.

I blew through all of them, blew through the emergency one, and went up into the rigging. Oh, my god, dude. And I just had remembered someone at the very beginning of the day say, it ran impassively, when in doubt, legs out. And so, like, when in doubt, throw your legs out. Like, spread your legs. And I just, that's what I thought to myself. I spread my fucking legs.

And I went up into the rigging, racked my balls, like, fucking hit my taint. I thought I fucking broke my coccyx. Come out. And then I shoot like, and here's the worst part is I shoot back because you went into the rigging. I shot back like 150 feet into the fucking, out into the valley. And I was like fucking stuck there.

And the guy had to fucking come out and I'm fucking. Oh, Jesus. So I come in and the guy's like, he's like, man, you have no fucking idea how lucky you are that you just had your legs open. You have no fucking idea. I was like, really? he's like, man, you have no fucking idea how lucky you are that you just had your legs open. You have no fucking idea. I was like, really? He's like, yeah, you would have broken. If I'd had them together, I would have gone up.

My legs would have hit the rigging instead of me like straddling it. Oh, wow. And I would have fucking shattered my legs easily. But didn't you, you must have worried that it was going to shatter your hip the way you hit it. It sounds like that's brutal. Nothing happened to me. And I know it sounds crazy, but nothing happened to me. But you just go.

I went up like this. Instead of going and breaking my legs, I went up like this and then popped down and then shot all the way back. Okay, so what it is is like as you're going down, if your legs were in the way, there'd be too much before the solid rigging hits the... If your legs would have hit the rigging. Right, before the whole system does. Yeah, but instead... Fuck, that sounds ridiculous.

It's, you know, look, there's a level of chance in all these things I do. But it's the simplest ones where you get hurt. The only times I've been hurt was on a blob in Texas. A blob? It's like a big inflatable kind of mattress where they're half filled with air. And you lay on the end. And then some guy jumps off a 30-foot dock.

And when he lands, it's Einstein's theory of relativity. Every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. And you shoot up equally as high as he went versus his weight. So if he's more than you, you compensate for that. And you go up in the air and you go into the water. Fuck. Dude. They're fucking insane.

But I didn't, I felt myself flipping and I'm not like a natural gymnast, so I didn't want to flip. So I started kicking my legs. So I kicked him as hard as I could and I kicked both my hamstrings out. Oh my God. Fucking the most painful thing I've ever felt. Both of them? You kicked both of them out? I kicked both of my hamstrings out Now when you say out, like how bad?

Don't know In the sense that I just didn't walk for like three weeks You couldn't walk for three weeks? I could not walk for three weeks I couldn't I was in the water And I was literally holding my legs And it's a kids camp

All these kids around me And I'm just holding my legs in massive pain And they're like, we need you to go again I go I can't go again and like they it doesn't look dangerous Why did they say they need you to go again? Do you need to go a couple times with these things to make sure that they've got the shot and they can get at different angles? So I was like I can't go and they were like are you fucking serious? And they had to carry me to the infirmary at this Christian youth camp

I go into my bag take a handful of Vicodins. Because, I mean, I've never felt that pain in my life. Do you just have Vicodins on you all the time? I travel with nausea medicine and painkillers, always. Why? Because you never know if you get hurt. And if you get hurt in the middle of a fucking outback or in the middle of the Sahara, like if you get fucking, say you get attacked by a fucking lion and you're not going to die,

but you have a fucking six-hour bumpy car ride in, I want painkillers. I'm prepared. Do you have a painkiller addiction? No. That you're not going to die, but you have a fucking six-hour bumpy car ride in, I want painkillers. I'm prepared. Do you have a painkiller addiction? No. That you're not telling us about? No painkiller addiction whatsoever. They scare me. However, when you are hurt, like when I blew those hamstrings,

I grabbed two Vicodin, popped them, and I was manageable until they got me to the hospital. But I had to sit and wait. They had to fucking wait forever. They had a prayer circle around me. Prayer circle? Yeah, prayer circle. What kind of prayers?

Jesus ones. Hamstring gods? Did you pray along with them? Of course you did, right? When in Rome. The counselor came in. The counselor came in? It was like, you know, it looks like the guy from 30 Rock, that like, you know, the white, blonde-haired, nerdy guy. Right.

And he's like, all these kids are around my bed. And he goes, are y'all thinking guy. Right. And he's like, all these kids are around my bed. And he goes, are y'all thinking what I'm thinking? They were like, yeah. And he goes, Bert, do you mind if we pray on you? And I said, I don't know if I was fucking out, but I had two fucking minutes, and now I'm presuming. And I was like, fuck, bring it.

So they... Did you say, fuck, bring it, or are you just thinking that? I probably said, fuck, bring it. No, I probably said, sure, I'd love that. Don't be cussing. We're about to bring the Lord's word to you. They form a circle. It's so awkward because I'm out of it.

And I like, instead of, the kid's hand was on my shoulder, but I wanted to touch him. So I grabbed his like inner thigh, like his thigh. And I'm holding the counselor's hand and they prayed on me. Did he lean into you? No. But then they prayed on me and I prayed with them. And it was awesome. Wow.

Dude. Yeah. I always have emergency. Like, these days, when I've been traveling abroad, I always bring little baby bottles of Jack Daniels with me on the flights. Because a lot of these airlines don't serve alcohol. Do you go to places where alcohol is illegal? Yeah.

There's some Muslim countries where alcohol is illegal, right? Yeah. It was just in Zanzibar, but you can get alcohol. There are some Muslim countries where alcohol is illegal, right? Yeah, it was just in Zanzibar, but you can get alcohol in most Muslim countries, even Dubai. You can get it. Yeah, but you can get it in bars. Because they want to accommodate Westerners, and especially Europeans.

Europeans love to drink, and they want to be a tourist location. That's the big killer, is a lot of these large Muslim investors are going into Muslim countries like Zanzibar and buying up hotels. But they're not comfortable with alcohol and bathing suits. And some of the most beautiful hotels in all of East Africa are just Muslim-owned. And they're vacant. They're dead. There's nothing but lizards. Wow.

Because nobody wants to go on a plane. Well, that's good. The market dictates your ideas are stupid. Let chicks wear bikinis. How dare you? Yeah. How dare you? Who would stop that?

What kind of haters? They had a sports bar in the one we were in. And I said, I'll take a Heineken. And the manager came up to me and said, you know, we're a Muslim hotel. We don't serve alcohol. And I was like, yeah, but it's a sports bar. You gotta change the name. Just don't say it's a sports.

I thought I read sports bar. What did they say to that? She goes, she looks at me and goes, what do you want? And I said, I want like a beer. And she goes for the, for the night. I said, I want 12 pack. She goes, meet me in your room in 10. Wow.

Came back to my room. No, but she came back to my room. She's like, don't take them out of your room. So she just can stow beer away to you? He had bought the, he had bought the hotel within, I would say within weeks of us booking the entire trip. Oh, I see. And so they still had a stock of alcohol. Oh, so it was just changing over.

It was just changing over to a Muslim hotel. Yeah. Wow. You took the chance, though. Dude, if I had known that, I would have never fucking stayed there. Not in a million fucking... I mean, it was empty. It was like having the place to yourself.

Wow. Because no one would go there and if they are there and they're Muslim They're not in the pool, right? So why the pool to myself? It was crazy when I was in Japan. They made me cover up my tattoos Japan's fucking weird like that right did you go to any of the big subways in Japan or any of the big train stations? Fucking silent really they don't talk to each other You go to any of the big subways in Japan or any of the big train stations, fucking silent. Really? They don't talk to each other. Like, I have a video on my phone, it's probably on my computer, of me sitting at what is their time square in Tokyo at rush hour, at like 8 a.m. in the morning, 6 a.m., 7 a.m. in the morning. Not a fucking word.

You don't hear a word. And it was so eerie, and I just kept looking at at my crew and no one's talking to each other. Now we're not talking to each other because no one's talking. Right. It's that law of, you know, whatever dictates. I heard about it on some podcast

about, you know, this guy walked into an elevator and stood, but the guy in the other way was facing the wrong direction and he went, huh, and looked at him. Then it stops and someone comes in,

faces the wrong direction again. He's like, huh. And then after the third person, when they face the wrong direction, the guy who was facing the fucking doors went, fuck it, and he just turned around

because you get into that assimilation. Wow. Yeah, but it was crazy. Japan was mind-blowing. Did you like the toilets? Yeah, they were great. Fucking loved them.

Why don't they have those everywhere? I have no idea. You can buy them. You can buy them. They actually sent them to me after I talked about it. They're amazing. You have them? Yeah. They're in your house? You can give them. You can buy them. They actually sent them to me after I talked about it. They're amazing.

You have them? Yeah. They're in your house? You can give them, too. Yeah, you can get them. You can buy them. You can get them on Amazon. Yeah, you get them online.

It was the greatest. They have them everywhere. I would just wake up in the morning and just clean my asshole, just sit on it and turn it on. Put on some tunes, warm it up. I rented a beach house that had one, too. It was glorious. It was like, yes, they do. Yes, they do have one.

Clean my butt proper. It feels oddly pleasurable. Yeah, we did that. We hung out with a gay ship for the night. Dude, you've been all over the world, like legitimately. These things you do, though, scare the shit out of me. When I hear you ziplining 100 miles an hour. Oh, oh, oh, I just showed Jamie this.

Oh, yeah. Some of it, oh, I just showed Jamie this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's some of it. You know, here's the deal. I deal with panic. Everyone knows that. I've talked about that to everyone. But it's hilarious that you deal with panic, and yet you do some truly terrifying shit. Oh, dude, I just jumped off of Moses Mbita Stadium.

It's 500. Take a look at this, Joe. This is me jumping off Moses Mbito Stadium in Durban send us to Jamie Can we play it on the show? It's from the it's from the show on the show itself. Okay, so you oh My god, yeah Jesus Christ dude, it's fucking 500 feet. It's a beast of a fucking jump How many different trips like this have you gone on since you started this show? You've been doing this show for, like, what, four years now or something?

Four years. I've gone on 14 times four, so 50. God damn. 60 of them, probably. 60 plus crazy adventures. Three adventures a day. One high adrenaline. I feel like I've done everything there is to do when it comes to adrenaline.

So, yeah, each episode you're doing numerous things sometimes, right? Yeah. Fuck, dude. We've had days where you, like, the other day in Michigan, I fucking, and then you have like these things that you don't even talk about. Like, we're in Michigan. This guy flies us out to Mackinac Island. It's like an hour flight.

It's not that. Three hour, or not an hour flight, a three minute flight. So it's not that big of a flight. It's a real quick jump. And we meet the guy flying over. I tell him I'm afraid of flying. We land. Next morning, he comes to pick us up.

We spend the night on the island, snow, but we don't know what. Comes back and he says to me, hey, you want to fly? I said, what? He goes, I'm an instructor. I'll show you how to do it. I got my two travelers with me. They're like, no, don't let Bert fucking fly. But in my head, I'm like, now I get this same thing.

That happens with me on these jumps and all that other stuff is where you go fuck i gotta try it like i'm here it's there this is a once in a lifetime opportunity i gotta fucking try it so i'm like fuck it let's do it so we taxi down the runway and he gets us in position he goes all right you just want to throttle and as we start to feel lift just start pulling back and we just fucking take off and i pull back and i'm I'm like, and he goes, and you get up to like 3,000 feet, or 2,000 feet. He's like, level it off, and you just start pushing forward, and you feel the plane land. It was

fucking amazing. Wow. But those, you know, those are the ones that aren't even on the show. That's just getting the special access. It's been great. It's been great. I've been having a hard time talking about it on stage, because it sounds alienating. It doesn't... No, no. I don been having a hard time talking about it on stage because it sounds alienating. It doesn't. No, no, I don't think so at all.

You know, that's like a, that's a hangup. Like you, you're not an alienating guy in any way. It just, you, you feel like it's alienating because you're a humble guy because like you worry that it might sound braggy, but it's just your life. You know, your life is interesting as fuck, dude. I mean, you're doing some crazy shit every time I talk to you like I'm in a shark tank in the middle the ocean like No, you're not no you're not get out of that fucking thing. We were with great white sharks dude what the fuck man you can't be doing that in South Africa and the The the visibility was shit so

They were there they would draw them in with a big tuna head, and then the shark would just appear. Much like a shark attack. Much like a shark attack. We are simulating real shark attacks in that they just come up on the cage and just... So I got frustrated, and I was like, I wanted to see where the shark was so I could predict it because it was scaring me. So I was sitting on top of the cage, and I'm just sitting there looking for the shark. And dude, just like out of a fucking movie, the shark leaps at the tuna head out of the water and right at me.

And I shit in my wetsuit. I went fucking sunk and I was like panicked. But it was an amazing experience. Like 14 foot shark swimming right up on you. You know, dude, I have a hard time just hearing that. I'm squirming in my chair and shit. There's a video that I tweeted today. See if you can find it. There's a guy

who's poking at this roof. There's a leopard that's trapped in the roof in India. Looks like it's in India where they do have a problem with leopards. And as this guy is trying to open this thing up, this fucking leopard head pops out of this little hole. It's small.

And then a leopard bursts through the fucking roof and starts attacking these people. And they're freaking out and trying to run away, and they're trying to hit it with sticks, and it runs into this guy, and this guy fucking panics, it's like this crazy leopard running around the street. Here's a video of it. Check this shit out. Oh, I have seen this.

This is crazy. Are you fucking kidding me? This fucking dude is on the roof, okay, so look, there's holes in the roof, and he's like trying to figure out, look at this. Oh, shut the fuck up. It comes out of the roof and gets after him. Oh, are you fucking kidding me? This fucking dude is on the roof. Okay, so look. There's holes in the roof, and he's like trying to figure out- Look at this. Oh, shut the fuck up! It comes out of the roof and gets after him! Oh! Oh!

That is a fucking- It looks like a lion! It's a leopard. It's a big-ass leopard. Look, you see all the spots on it? Goddamn. Holy... I mean, it's not very high-res, but it appears to be a leopard, right? Oh, look, that guy's holding the door shut.

Am I wrong? Is that a tiger? No, that does look like a leopard. It's so hard to tell because it's blurry, but it looks to me like it's small and it's fast as fuck, which leopards are fast as fuck. Super aggressive. Leopards are super aggressive. God damn, dude.

Fuck all this, right? I mean, I react the way that guy did with the leopard when a mouse is in the house. Like, I'm like, and you almost can't stabilize your feet. Look at it. It's in there, man. Yeah, that's a leopard for sure. So it's hiding back there? Is that what it's doing, or is it killing somebody?

I think they trapped it. I don't know, man. It might have somebody in its jaws. It's just a blur for me. Oh, that's its eyes Fuck all that man, and now it's back in the house Why Cal comes through it's his house man as far as he's concerned. What does he give a fuck? They don't have any idea about like yo this guy has a mortgage like that Does it doesn't mean anything to a leopard If he finds a good spot behind a wall,

that's his house, bitch. What, are you gonna come take it? You're not a lion. Get out of here. Look at that guy. Fucking terrifying. There was a crazy video of, apparently that happens in some parts of India

all the time. And there was a crazy video, or a series of images, rather, of this guy who had his scalp removed by this leopard. This leopard literally claws the dude's head, and his scalp comes off like a flap. See if you can find that. No, no, no, no, no. You need to see it.

You need to see it. You need to see it. This is important. You need to see it. The guy, he's fine. He got all stitched up. He's got a cool story. But look at the size of the flap, and you realize, oh, these guys have razor blades on their fingers.

It's like it just sliced them like a fucking perfect meat knife. And all it takes is a scent of some perfume they don't like. You know what I mean? But they're so unpredictable. Yeah, fuck leopards. Fuck jaguars. Fuck leopards. I wouldn't mind having one of those big savannah cats, though.

Those like servals? Oh, dude. Just like five of them to run my backyard. Dude, they growl at you. I like that shit. Sounds sexual. I just want something standing on my chest in the morning like... John Jones has a couple of those.

Or does he have Bengals? One of those types of cats? He he's got him as Instagram all the time she's big ass cat they're really big he takes him with him on the road because you have to like really like bond with them you have to bond with them so he takes him with him like when he goes to places to train and he does shit he goes on like press trips and shit like that really took it to his hotel in LA yeah he brings that thing with him. John John's eccentric as fuck.

Oh, you gotta be. He's eccentric as fuck. He brings a giant cat with him everywhere. I love one of those. He has it on a leash. Takes it walking on a leash. Yeah, this is the guy's head. Oh, no, I don't want to see that.

Look at the top of his head. Come on, son. Yeah, I see that. I see that. Welcome to the world of leopards. Welcome to the world of reality. Look at that. That's fucking white. It scalped him, son. Yeah, I see that. I see that. Welcome to the world of leopards. Welcome to the world of reality. Look at that. That's fucking light.

It scalped him, man. I mean, that's like some cartoon shit. That's how terrifying that thing is. You ever cut off the tip of your finger and then you just kind of push it back on and just hope it just stays? You're like, that never happened. That never happened. Super glue.

Yeah. That's what I would have done. Just put it back on and be like, it didn't happen. Well, they stitched that bitch back up, but who knows if it took you know when you get a cut that big Sometimes like the blood supplies compromise you can get infected No, you the kind of guy that if you lost the tip of your pinky finger That it would affect you or that we just become who you are and then that's a badge of like Like there's guys

That's like one of like as far as, the losses that some people have incurred in their life, that's pretty goddamn small. I think you take it like a man and you just move on. Yeah. And if it comes up, you go, yeah, I fucking held my pinky finger. See, that's you. I lost the tip of my pinky finger. I'd be like, I'd be fucking heartbroken.

Would you really? Yeah. Okay. I'd be. Get over it, bitch. You live in America. These people in India, they're fighting giant cats. They're popping into their fucking shitty house.

Their house has holes in it that cats claw through. Those aren't even the cobras. There's cobras all over India. All kinds of shit. How about tigers? How about there's places in India where over the last 200 years, 300,000 people have been killed by tigers. Yeah.

How about that? I wouldn't fuck with tigers. I'd fuck with lions, but I wouldn't fuck with tigers and they're trying to this is the most hilarious thing they're trying to save them to try to save these Tigers it's so important and we make sure that we keep a healthy population of monsters running through the fucking jungle that eat people let's make sure we keep them alive they're super important because without them alive we would be so sad We lost the monsters the monsters that we're fucking crazy like that

Colin Quinn's joke about polar bears. No Trying to save the polar bears save the polar bears you fucking kidding me ladies You know let me tell you something if a polar bear came in this room. You'd be throwing your fucking chairs room, you'd be throwing your fucking chairs at it. That's so true. I'm doing a horrible... Colin Quinn. Have you seen his new thing, Cop Show? What is it? It's on LTV, I think, dot com. It's

really good. It is really good. It's a Colin Quinn show? It's a Colin Quinn... It's a documentary about a cop show, and Colin Quinn plays the lead cop. But it's a documentary about his TV show, and it is fucking hilarious. Oh, so a mockumentary.

It's a mockumentary, and if you like Colin Quinn, if you like Colin Quinn a little bit, you're going to lose your fucking mind. He is so goddamn funny. It's called Cop Show? It's called Cop Show, and he's got guests on. He had Jerry Seinfeld, one of the ones I saw, Jim Norton, Keith Robinson's on all of them. He plays his buddy. I think he's, like, a very underappreciated talent, Colin Quinn. Oh, dude.

I really do. I think he's, like, to people that are intelligent, he's fucking brilliant. But to really stupid people, they're like, that shit ain't even funny. Like, there's a lot of stupid people that, especially on his Twitter, like, they miss all the jokes. Like, if you know his style of humor, you know how he's, like, he's absurd but barely. You know, to the point where, like, he's obviously fucking with you, but he's doing it cleverly. You know, and when he does, it's like, if you know Colin's type of humor and you're a fan of his, it becomes really, really funny. Oh.

It's like he's trolling everyone on the internet. Yeah. Jay Moore does a fucking fantastic Colin. His Colin's creepy, dead on point. Colin's a unique dude. I really feel like he's underappreciated because he's been around a long goddamn time. He was on TV back when fucking, he was on remote control, wasn't he? Oh, yeah.

He was on TV when I was in high school. Yeah. And I'm an old man. Yeah, he was on TV when I was an open mic, I'm pretty sure. I remember him being on TV. He's been around a long time. We did an episode of Trip Flip with Colin Quinn. He was on it.

And we were going to have people do stand up. And so we said, what we'll do, I said, Colin, I'll give you the mic, and then I'll put an IFB in our guy's ear. And then you just tell him the jokes to say, and he say them right and colin's like perfect so i was like all right let's test it out so we put this kid in the room and call me out of the room and i go all right let's go and we had completely forgotten that colin quinn is so fucking funny that when you hear him talk you'll fall apart laughing right so the kid couldn't say anything because he's just doubled over going, say it again, say it again. And I was like, what?

And all he was doing was making fun of me. He's like, what's this guy, an ex-WWF wrestler? What's up with the beard? Like just destroying me. But yeah, Colin, I think Colin, Tough Crowd was one of my favorite shows ever. You know, Keith Robinson and Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane were talking about that the other day on their podcast. It was on, it might have been their show.

They were on XM, but they were talking and they were taking calls and stuff, and they were talking about how there's a different kind of mentality, at least in L.A. At the clubs, the mean comics have died off, like that fun, mean shit where you don't really mean it, but it's hilarious, just tearing each other apart. That stuff has died off for some reason, and it's been replaced by, Bonnie said it best. She said it was like an acting class sort of a vibe.

That's very accurate. That everyone's like, good to see you. I really enjoyed you on this. I really thought you were me. She goes, it's like this weird alt crowd is coming over, and there's like this air of phoniness about it all. Yeah. That you get from like acting class you know like acting class is filled with people that are trying to like

posture themselves real actors too but you know what i'm saying there's a few people in every fucking acting class that are trying really hard to become that stereotypical prototypical california actor where they don't say here's one of the things they don't say. They don't say, nice to meet you. Because they might have already met you. So they say, good to see you. They all say it! They all fucking say it! Good to see you!

Listen, you can't say that. You can't say good to see you unless you're seeing me again. It's like, good to see you again. Oh, again? Where's the again? Good to see you? Good to see you? It's good to see everything. It's good to see you again. Oh, again. Where's the again? Good to see you? Good to see you. It's good to see everything. It's good to not be blind. I agree.

Good to see you. Oh, you see me for the first time? How many times do you think you've seen me before? How many times have we met, motherfucker? Do you know me, bitch? Yes or no? No, you don't know me, you fucking fraud! Imagine that.

You say, yeah, we met before. Fuck, we have! We never met before. Good to see you. What does that mean, we met before. Fuck, we have. We never met before. Good to see you. What does that mean, you noncommittal fuck? I saw a dude at my kid's school today at drop off. I'm talking to my buddy, John. And some guy goes, hey, what's up, Bert?

Hey, Chris. My buddy, John. I just watch my buddy, John, go. I won't say anything. That happens all the time. I've done that before. And you go, oh, no, did I say Steve? Fuck.

His name's not Steve. Now I have to tell him I know his real name. Oh, I fucking hate that. Come on, Bob. You think I think you're Steve? That's why I call everyone Boo for the same reason, because I've fucked myself over so many times. And when you fuck yourself over the wrong, like, comic or comedian, they're always going to remember that. Like, that motherfucker called me Jeff or something like that.

People have a hard time letting that shit go. Yeah. I have a hard time remembering names that shit go Yeah I have a hard time Remembering names Yeah of course you do Well that's that Thing There's a certain number That you have in your head

And you get Past that number And it's called Dunbar's number You got 150 people In your head That's it That's all you got room for

Fuck You get more than 150 people You gotta delete names Like you can't have Like friendships With more than 150 people

You just don't have The database I think I spent Those numbers up In like third grade When I'd look at the yearbook And look at the kids Older than me you gotta delete names. Like, you can't have friendships with more than 150 people. You just don't have the database. I think I spent those numbers up in third grade when I'd look at the yearbook and look at the kids older than me. There's still people older than me in Berkeley Prep high school, grade school, that I remember them distinctly. Sure. I remember looking at those pictures and seeing

the hot girls, Holly Clifford, and now I still remember her. I remember what her picture looked like. People that had an impact on you, you're gonna remember them for sure. You're always gonna remember them. Yeah. But people that, like, if you meet a bunch of people on a daily basis, like, how many people are you meeting? You're talking about you did 60 fucking shows, and how many

people are on each show? That's like 120 people already, right? At least? So that's no way. There's no way you're gonna remember all them. It's unfortunate. Like, there's people that were on Fear Factor, and I'll meet them again, and I'll go, what the fuck? Where do I know? I try to remember where I know them. Oh, we did the thing with the bull.

Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, man. How you doing? And then all of a sudden, I have access to those files again. My brain will go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me pull that up. Here it is. In my regular brain, my regular memory, it just wasn't available.

But your brain will give you access to these files If you pull them up every now and then like if you delete certain things you could still find them like they're in your trash But you have you empty your trash yet It gives you a chance to pull them back, but I think it gets a certain point And then you just know more there's no more file doesn't file does not exist. Yeah, I'm done I'm done with the files and and now i'm dreaming so much so intensely that i'm literally like going through every morning i have like fucking 13 dreams that i'm remembering and that's kind of fucking with my day why are you having so many dreams i have no idea man i think i broke my governor with that uh with the lucid dreaming like i got really into

lucid dreaming and i was lucid dreaming constantly still am i mean today last night i had a dream about um getting arrested at the hillsborough Lake with a bunch of my friends and I was in my underwear and they had the dogs putting us down and then I woke up and they had thrown tear gas at us and the dogs were standing over us and were handcuffed and it's like me and four friends spread out and I woke up and I went I'm not done with that cop because I'm I'm one I need to levy justice in that dream and so I went back to sleep, and I just started dreaming immediately about that cop. So this is something that we actually talked about this. Did we talk about this?

You and I talked about this on the podcast before? You've got me on AlphaBrain. And what I've realized is my lucid dreaming is attached to AlphaBrain in the sense that AlphaBrain will give me energy and make me think quicker and faster. I don't know if it was caffeine or what was in it. It's no caffeine. It's probably choline. Acetylcholine is something that people reported. If you take it, it gives you really intense dreams.

Yeah. That's one of the universal things that people said about AlphaBrain is the dream part. I've always said it makes you feel like... I'm not a lucid dreamer where I don't have any techniques. I don't practice it, but occasionally I've found myself in that state. And when I find myself in that state where I realize that I'm not a lucid dreamer where I don't have any techniques. I don't practice it. But occasionally I found myself in that state. And when I find myself in that state where I realize that I'm dreaming, it feels like it's more. It always used to feel like a child's bubble, you know, when you blow a bubble.

Like, if you touch it, it pops. Yeah. It became like a basketball. Oh, yeah. It became like, I could bounce this motherfucker around. Like, this dream, I could bounce it around. But I know I never pursued it. You pursued it. Like you got into like the techniques and you got into like getting your mind in the right state.

No, no. Just blacking out and then passing out drunk. Yeah, but I mean you said you got into lucid dreaming. You were practicing it, right? The thing is, is that I found myself waking up and being able to get back into dreams. And then I went, there's something to that. waking up and being able to get back into dreams. And then I went, there's something to that.

And then I found myself for a big chunk, a big, big chunk, being in a dream state for almost the entire night without sleeping. Like, I mean, and I put this on the sensitivity of my Fitbit watch. I put it on the sensitivity, very sensitive when I sleep. I'm always sleeping, really like sleeping like three to four hours a night. But I'm out the whole night but i'm having these intense really um like all-encompassing dreams you know like and and and i was weaving my way in and out of them i was having my way with them i mean they were like it was like next level i talked about it on a podcast i did with shane moss and i ended up uh he asked me about the

stream i told him and then i ended up crying in the middle of it because it was about a buddy who killed himself, but it was such a surreal fucking dream that even telling anyone about it, they're like, how the fuck did that, like, are you serious? Did you ever think about, like, reading books on it and getting deep into the methods that people use to achieve those states? I did, I did online. I've read a bunch about dreaming online, and I even took it as far as I became obsessed with it. And I wanted to do a dream cast where I'd bring in like a Zen Buddhist monk to relax you and get you to sleep.

And then for like seven minutes, we get you to sleep and then give you a period of two minutes silent. And then I am like the dream weaver. And I go, all right, guys, we're in. And so as you're sleeping, because that happens to me a lot. I know I've told you that that I'll have dreams of you. I dream of you and Fitz Simmons hanging out in my living room talking. And I just, it was you guys on my podcast and I was sleeping and it was just immersing itself into my head. Wow. And it's like, it was so funny because whatever you guys were talking about, I had an opinion and I kept trying to interrupt you

guys and you were like, hold on, Bert, Bert, stop. How bizarre. But yeah, dreaming for me is like, I feel like I need it in life in order to stay sane. Because my dreams are like fucking literally, when I say 13 dreams a night that I remember, sometimes 30 dreams. God damn, dude. And you remember them all? I remember. What will happen is I'll tell you one, and then as I tell you one, it'll untangle all the other ones, and it'll start coming out like a braid. And I'll be like one, and then as I tell you one, it'll untangle all the other ones. Right.

And it'll start coming out like a braid. Yeah. And I'll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I called Doug Benson. My dreams were so intense at one point. Doug Benson asked me to leave them to him on his answering machine. So I leave them on his answering machine now, and then he puts them on Doug Loves Minis. So he puts my dreams on Doug love me like I

Mean the fuck I came in like like I had a dream one time. This is what my funnier dreams Doug Benz is an answering machine. Yeah, yeah It's his voicemail to Car phone the answering machine I Had a dream one time that I'm standing like this okay? I'm on stage, and I'm standing like this. Okay, hands on the hips, very feminine. Pregnant. More flamboyantly gay than feminine.

If a woman did that, you'd be confused. So I look, and I'm like, what the fuck? And there's a curtain right in front of me, and I'm like, what is this? And I look to the left, and I see four dudes, staggered stance, two with me, two behind us, in Klan outfits. Ku Klux Klan. Ku Klux Klan outfits. And I look look and you know sometimes there'll be a mirror on the side of those stages i look and i see me i'm not in a clan outfit but i'm all in white and i've got a dunce cap on and i'm like that's close enough that's like even if i don't look just like them people i was and all i'm in the dream i thought travel channel is gonna be pissed when they see that i'm dancing with like

and all of a sudden i hear the curtains start to gonna be pissed when they see that I'm dancing with like and all The sudden I hear the curtains start to pull back and I'm about to get off stage and I hear ladies and gentlemen Put your hands together for the click clack clans and we start tap dancing And I've always wanted to tap dance click clack clan and we start tap dancing and just fucking hammering it out I'm like I can't get off stage. It's so much fun, and then I woke up. I was like Benson I had a dream dude that would actually be a great sketch the click clack clans should write this down I've let's on Doug Benson's answer no no I mean like like make a sketch out of it about these guys that were in the clan but they feel bad they don't hate

black people anymore and they want to entertain and spread their new message so they start they start going around the country tap dancing And along the way they encounter so many mean black people they can become racist again People really mad at them because they were used to be in the clan like fucking bill, but we're not in the clan anymore I'm telling you we're not racist. We have a total change of heart. We already have the costumes That's why we're wearing them. We're just being buffoons as the Klan. And by the end of it, they're like, fuck black people. I'm back.

I'm back. I'm moving back to Tennessee. I'm moving back to the mountains. Back to the deep woods. The click-clack Klan. There was a period of my dreams, like a big chunk where they were like cyclical and uh and and had amazing endings like and i mean i was just like i was blown away and i

was telling benson he's like leave him on my thing and i'll put him on my podcast so i started doing it and then what happens and i'm going through this right now as i go through a big period i was leaving him a lot of malaria dreams because they were insane and then i get i'm so i'm so keyed into dreaming that i'm dreaming obsessively where i am right now where i'm having like fucking 13 to 35 a night that's so crazy and i can't stop them and i'm not relaxing have you ever been able to remember all 35 of them oh yeah i could i mean obviously i don't even if i listen to my dreams now if i go to doug loves minis and listen to my dreams you put all your dreams on doug benson's podcast why don't you do it on your own because why don't you have the birds dreams I have a

separate podcast I just did it I did it at a time I was just came out organically and I was like people are gonna fucking hate the moment they're all my podcast but does he have commercials on that oh yeah he's making money off of Bert streams he's making money off your dreams I'm shit no Hollywood it's Burke love minis It's like a five-minute just catch-up of the week. Anyway, it felt pure. Did you sign any papers

about Bert Love Minis on Doug Benson's podcast? What's going on here, Bert? You getting fucked over here? Business-wise, I feel like you're getting fucked. No. Anyway.

You've got commercials on your dreams. Interesting. Yeah. I've been thinking about doing a big long one of all my dreams for him because they're just there well you should just release a podcast where you wake up and you explain in great detail I mean you could do 15 minutes 20 minutes whatever and just

release it as a podcast people would love that the um if you're really having that many a night dream catcher make it a cool dream podcast catcher Bert's dreams yeah how about's Dreams. Yeah. How about a podcast? Just real simple. Bert's Dreams. And it's just you talking about your dreams. Every single episode is a dream, and that's it. There's no sports talk. All your dreams. All your dreams.

Maybe I will. Yeah. Like you could do, you know, you could do how they tied in together, what you did before you went to bed, what you drank that put you in this catatonic state where you believe that you're in a bubble bath that's the size of the Philadelphia Eagle Stadium. You're floating in there, and you're naked, but no one can see you because the water's so high.

You can have a bunch of different fucking crazy dreams that you can just relay. You can have your kids tell their dreams, or you could tell their kids' dreams, too. Have it a whole Burt family. I have a bunch of dreams. Usually, like lately, all my dreams have been comics. Like, all my dreams have been about comics.

I had a dream about you and Jim Norton and Bill Burr and a bunch of guys in a radio show, like, two nights ago. But it's like, they're all about comics right now. Why is that? I have no idea. I don't know. Because you've been doing the road a lot? I think because I haven't been doing stand-up

as much as I've been doing stand-up. And so now I've started back on stand-up and I think I'm just inspired by a bunch of people who I feel like are doing it a lot better than me.

So when you said you haven't been doing stand-up as much as you've been doing stand-up, I think you probably meant you've been doing the show more. I've been doing TV more than I've been doing stand-up.

Yeah. It's interesting. You put me in a weird quagmire when we had that conversation in Vietnam because I said, alright, so I've been very attentive to writing material about these things that I've been doing. And I've been going back and looking at all the activities. However, I feel like I feel like

it's really interesting. So often you hear comics come on the podcast and they'll talk about writing new material. And, Jamie, are you getting a beer? Oh, writing new material versus the addiction of killing, you know? And I think I'd always thought, because I write on stage, I'm like, yeah, I always write. I'm not worried about that. But then this weekend I was in Columbus and I noticed that when I would get into a spot where it was a genuine new bit about scuba diving 80 feet to go see a wreck or or uh or riding in a top fuel drag story jumping off this moza bambita stadium that when it started to bomb that's the panic feeling where people go

I need to get out and do an old bit and to be able to own that bomb and sit in there and trust it and trust that that these people are going to get a piece of shit joke right now that I'm working on. But trust me, one day it'll be better. Well, that's what L.A. clubs are for. It's for writing. That's where you should really fuck around and try to expand bits, try to come up with new ways to do them. You can take a lot of chances in an L.A. club. Gaffigan and I had a conversation about this.

It was kind of interesting. He's like, I always do new shit, but I always want to make sure the show is good. Yeah. That's the show is good. Yeah. That's the most important thing. I'm not going to go up there and do a new, like completely new stuff and bomb. If it's all going bad, I will go to old stuff that I know really works. He's like, the most important thing for me is that the show is good, which makes a lot of sense,

especially if they're paying high ticket dollar prices in theaters, which is like a lot of stuff he's doing. He's got a kind of pretty big obligation to have a good show. People got babysitters. They came out there. Yeah. But that's where the L.A. clubs come in. That's where fucking around comes in here, you know, at the store, the improv, or just going up and, you know, just going up with like a skeleton of a joke and trying to figure out what it is, recording it, listening to it, going back over't record it you should record it you got an iphone just use your

phone i feel like hard to do i don't know yeah i don't know i i feel like when i record it i actually say it differently than if i feel like if it's getting lost to the ethos then i feel like it's uh it's in the it's in the spirit it's in the moment and it's and live by the sword die by the sword type shit that's cool i mean if you like spirit. It's in the moment, and it's and live by the sword die by the sword type shit That's cool. I mean if you like doing that there's nothing wrong with that just takes longer to get a bit better Yeah, the reality of recording is if you do it all the time You're not gonna say it any different if you're recording every set that I have a record so every set is It's like when it's a hundred percent of your sets. It's never different because you're recording

Yeah, I'm saying like it just becomes doing a set so if i say something in the middle of i don't have to like ponder afterwards what did i say what did i say i have a recording because there's a lot of times where you're saying things off the cuff and you're like that's the line that's the line and dude if you're not recording that line can escape you It can leave you and never return. You can take yourself into some strange head space because when you're doing a bit, something might happen or someone might react to it in a certain way. And because they react to it in a certain way, you say, well, you're thinking, duh, and that's the best line of the joke. And that just came out of that particular moment.

If you don't capture that you might not ever be able to recreate it in your memory because you're in that weird zen state when you're killing too that's part of the problem like when you're really in the groove you're in that zen state where you're barely there you know you're like a ride on this thing and when you're creating all those new bits in that sort of zen, a lot of times you can't remember what you said. Yeah. Yeah. I usually end up saying out loud, if I say something new that's really good, I'll go,

can someone please tweet that to me? That works. Yeah. Some guy tweeted me, sushi, your kids, sucking dick. And I was like, what the fuck? Because I was like, by the end of the night, I'm hammered. And then it was the idea that I don't know how the bit goes because I said it in the moment, but I'll figure it out. But that to guys watching gay porn is like giving your kid sushi for the first time.

Like, I don't think I like it. And you're like, well, put it in your mouth. See what you think. Maybe you like it. And they're like, no. And the texture is going to freak me out. I heard it's expensive. That's funny. Yeah. I heard you can get sick from like it. And they're like, no. And the texture is going to freak me out. I heard it's expensive. That's funny.

Yeah. I heard you can get sick from eating it. People, if they get sick, they always blame sushi. Oh, I got diarrhea. I ate sushi. I ate bad sushi. Are you sure? Yeah.

Are you sure? How the fuck do you know? You eat things all day. Joe, you know, what's funny about that is that it's almost impossible to get food poisoning from sushi because in the United States, sushi is flash frozen. It has to be frozen and then re-thawed out. So it's almost impossible for you to actually— That's not totally true. There's certain sushis where you can get parasites from, especially freshwater fish.

But when people get sick, it's from the rice. Oh, really? Well, I bet some people get sick from the salmon, too. Certain freshwater fish is parasites. Saltwater fish, you don't really have to worry about as much, but freshwater fish. I drank ghost blood with a Maasai chief the other day. Like, I've given up on any of that fucking...

Because I'm a nervous eater about stuff like that. Ghost blood cut its throat, poured it into a horn, put some grass in there, shook it up, gave it to me. Why grass? It's not disgusting enough by itself. That's a good question, Joe. Let's get some grass that a hyena pissed on. I wish I had thought of that in the moment. Mix that shit up with the goat blood.

Here's your goat blood hyena piss smoothie. It was irony. It tasted like liver. Irony. It was real irony. You could feel it like 10 out your mouth a little bit Makes sense man. That's a hard scrabble life being a goat Goats live in places was not a lot of water right? There's no fucking water where we were they can survive a long time with no water those mountain goats They must taste like shit. I heard they taste like it tastes great like can you eat them eat them yeah we put them on skewers had a fire and then had the skewers angled from

the fire and just cooked it it's interesting that's the way they cook i learned too that's the way they cooked medium rare to well done is they stick that stick in the fire that way and it cooks one or something else i found i was meditating with a zen buddhist priest and wait what are you saying they stick in that stick in and it melts? What? No, they stick the... So if there's a fire, they stick the stick in this way, and that's how this is more well done and this is less well done. So that's how they cook it.

People are listening to this. Yeah. So try to explain this in a way that makes sense. So if you... Because I'm confused and I'm right in front of you. If you build a fire... What you just said. I know.

If you look at that on paper, are like What the fuck is he saying Look let's just mark it off To I wasn't listening And I don't know What the fuck I'm talking about There's a stick They stick it in the fire And then put the meat

On the stick They skewer the stick Okay So they skewer the meat On a stick All the sides Have this big sword That's like fucking this long

It's fucking sharp as shit They make it sharp as shit And thin So they make a stick They turn it into like a barb And then they basically skewer all the goats meat on the stick like like a kebab And then they shove it right next to the fire like two o'clock on it on a clock Do they will they put them all around that they put it all around the fire really like just like hands on a clock Okay, and then but they're angled out. I said angled pointing away, and I said that's interesting

And he said well that's interesting. And he said, well, no, the top ones aren't as well done and the bottoms are more well done. Oh, okay. And so I was like, I thought that was really fucking fascinating. I was like, holy shit. And in my head, I'm like,

I could just grill my shit. Like I could actually, but then I talked to him about wood and it's really specific about what kind of wood you use. You can't just use any wood. So there's certain different types of wood that people will cook with,

especially in Africa. Well, that's in America too. Like there's like, you watch those barbecue people will cook with, especially in Africa. Well, that's in America, too. You watch those barbecue contests. You ever see those barbecue contests? Yeah. Those get you fascinated. Those get you wanting to smoke a meat. Smoke a brisket or some shit. They always have a cherry tree. Dude, we had fucking

veal or venison sausage. I need venison sausage. I got some. I got some in my house it's one of my favorite it's delicious oh yeah you have to mix pork fat into it though it's kind of interesting yeah like yeah most venison sausage is not really venison sausage it's venison sausage with pork fat like um i cook ground venison i take ground venison and i cook it and i'll use like gluten-free pasta or like sprouted grain pasta and i'll mix it all together with like some tomato sauce.

It's fucking fantastic. But it's one of the rare times where people use ground venison by itself. Most ground venison they mix up with pork fat. Really? Because it's so lean. Because it's a healthy animal. I mean it's an animal that's running around eating crops and grass and al you know, alfalfa and shit and running all over the place. They don't have much body fat on them.

So if you had just the meat of the deer in the sausage, it would probably be really dry. Yeah. You wouldn't like it. Venison. I've had a bunch of venison as of late, and I just fucking love it. It's really good for you, dude. I really love it. It's so healthy.

You know what's the best, though? Elk. Oh, I've had elk. Elk's insane. I need to get one of those. I'm going on two elk hunts this fall. Really? Fuck yeah.

Yeah. They have a problem with wolves. They've killed so many elk that there's certain populations, certain parts of America where the elk population's dropped down to 20% of its original size. I think I heard- From heard, what's his name? Ranella talked about that on your podcast. Yeah, there's places where, like, you know, it's dropped 50%. But, you know, there's still a lot of elk.

There's a lot of elk. It's just about getting near them. There's so many of them. Like, my friend Helen, Helen Cho, she's the woman who works for 0.0. She works with Anthony Bourdain. She works with Steve Rinella and his show. And they took her hunting for the first time. And she's been here a bunch of times hanging out with us when Rinella's come on.

And she's, like, super sweet, like, you know, grew up in Brooklyn. And on Rinella's show, he took her hunting. Her and another woman who works in the office, they took the both of them with my friend Ryan Callahan and Ronella's show he took her hunting her and another woman who works in the office they took the both of them with my friend Ryan Callahan and Ronella and they took them to Montana to shoot an elk but you see like these herds of elk where there's like 50 60 70 80 or 100 elk like giant herds of these cow elks and so she picks one out and she drops it and she you know they cooked it that night it's crazy it's crazy watching like, like, knowing her as a person that's, like, you know, didn't really have a lot of experience outdoors at all,

wasn't, like, a crazy fitness person or an extreme athlete who's doing nutty things all the time. Like, she, you know, is a regular person, very nice person, works in her office, you know, works for Anthony Bourdain and 0.0, and all of a sudden she's shooting a fucking elk in the mountains of Montana in the snow, in the woods

it's wild shit dude did she like cry or anything? she was pretty, not a cry but you could tell she was like it was like an overwhelming experience she was like there's no words for this which is how I felt too, the first time I shot a deer it's like there's no words for this, this is wild

so it's not like hitting a home run? nah, hitting a home run there's no words for this. This is wild. So it's not like hitting a home run. Nah. No, hitting a home run, there's no sense of loss. There's a weird sense of loss when you shoot an animal. Like you're going to eat that animal so you don't feel bad about it. At least I didn't feel bad about it. I thought about it for so long before I actually did it. But there's a sense of loss.

When you hit a home run, it's all like, yeah, yippee. Nothing has to die. When you're gutting an animal and you've got your hands inside of its body and you feel the hot body cavity, it's really weird. I stuck my hands in a buffalo one time. We shot it up on Crow Nation. It was hard. It was tough. Which show was this?

For Triplip. We went hunting with the crow. Really? You shot a buffalo? Shot a buffalo up on a perch like a sniper. It was with the whole pack. And they have to keep the male population down because it fucks with it. And so they know which one they're shooting and they go out and they pop it. Yeah. And what was really fascinating to me, and the small details of a story overwhelm me.

Like the little thing that you wouldn't normally talk about in a story. overwhelm me. Like the little thing that you wouldn't normally talk about in a story. But what was funny to me was kind of the gallows humor that these Crow Indians had as they were gutting the buffalo. They weren't being disrespectful of the animal,

but I guess you cut out its asshole? Yeah. But they were laughing as they cut out the asshole because it's kids' first time cutting the asshole out. And it was kind of an interesting, almost morbid humor, but But they were laughing as they cut out the asshole because it's kids' first time cutting the asshole out. And it was kind of an interesting, almost morbid humor, but comics kind of humor. You couldn't offend anyone in that circle. And then when they were like, put your hand in the buffalo.

And I was like, no. And they're like, come on, do it. Be a man. And they had a little kid put his hand in. You've got to feel it. It's an animal. It was just alive. So I was like, fuck it. So I got to do it.

Put my hand in there and it just kind of took me over. I was like, oh, I gotta do it put my hand in there and it just I kind of took me over I was like oh fuck this is this is human warm like this is way warmer yeah but it's like yeah it was hot yeah and it was really kind of I don't know it blew me away but I always but I kept saying in my head it I was it was similar to being a comic because comics can't get offended so there was no like yeah, there was no PC police there Yeah, you just killed an animal you're all in this together. Yeah, so It's like I was overwhelmed and then we ate the buffalo that night. It was fucking fantastic Buffalo's delicious dude, but I have some of the best meat for you to it's had leaner than chicken

It's leaner than chicken and it's super high in protein. It's really, it tastes better than beef. It's really good, man. Fuck chia seeds. Especially if they have a good diet. Fuck chia seeds. I'm on chia seeds right now. It's the biggest mistake I ever fucking made. You ever drink those chia drinks? No, but I'm just swallowing the seeds whole like Taylor Swift.

Oh, don't do that, man. You gotta get these chia drinks. I forget what it's named, but it's like chia and in between there's some juice or something like that and so it's like it slips down like real easy and it actually tastes good and it's super healthy for you

apparently well the reason I was eating them is because they expand in your stomach and so they make you feel full faster but and but then you just shit BBs I mean

you're shitting a thousand ants you you want to lose weight dude this is the only way buddy Dolce fucking emailed me. See this here? You got to let this go.

Oh, no. Dolce texted me the other night. Mike Dolce. He was like, hey, bro, what's up? Or on Twitter. I was like, I'm fat as fuck. Can you fix this? And I sent a picture.

Can you fix this? You know how to fix it? I know. Everybody knows how to fix it. Nobody wants to fix it, man. They all want to talk about fixing it. Yeah. Everybody wants to talk about fixing it and stay almost exactly the same

weight pretty much forever. A few people break loose from the herd and become thin and they're like, how the fuck did you do it, man? And they're like, man, I just didn't eat bullshit. Like, that's crazy. Shut up. I don't know how you did that. I just cut back on the Cheetos, ice cream, and soda and fucking melted off me. Come on.

I want to maintain my lifestyle and simply add in more activity and hope that it disappears that way. You need to burn off insane amounts of calories. That's what people don't understand. If you want to get your body to the point where it's burning off fat, you got to burn off more calories

than you're taking in. I mean, it's like super simple, but most people aren't willing to do that. They're just not willing to eat less than your body needs. What needs what no I'm still hungry What kind of bullshit is this? Yeah, I could suck my dick and then you get crazy and you start eating cookies and next thing you know the diet is gone You have no I've no so I have no

Like I get in those moments where I see like Oreos and I just go they're good Fucking so milk right next to him It's still like someone pours a glass of milk and Oreos like if they're fucking with you Have they're trying to get you do they do that shit on like the biggest loser do they put like cake and ice? No, no, it's the opposite No, they put like isn't the biggest loser with the one where they have the big table buffet where they have to go around and they Know no no no no no Positive I've been watching The Biggest Loser all the time.

Biggest Loser would never incorporate unhealthy lifestyle in it whatsoever. It would never tempt them with that. That's not the theme of the show. What show was that? Yeah, because I remember that. Probably Celebrity Fat Person. Oh, Celebrity Fat Fuck. That would be a great name for the show.

Celebrity Fat Fuck. The great name of the show. Celebrity Fat Fuck. They didn't find out the name of the show until the first day when they lined them all up. They're like, gentlemen, or people, I'd like to welcome you to Celebrity Fat Fuck. And you just watch them all go, oh, man. Fuck. My agent's a dick.

My agent's an asshole. You know what's interesting about fat? This is the reality about about diets is that everybody doesn't get an even starting point that's what's not fair some people just get weird bodies that just like are you looking to make see like little babies like little chubby babies yeah you know like my daughter was in this dance class and there's little girls with her when she's little she's like you know two three years old there's other little two three- olds and some of them are just fat as fuck yeah some of them their parents are fat their parents sit down there and they they struggle to sit they sit down and this kid waddles out there and dances like whoa like this kid doesn't even get a chance like from jump she's overweight like

she's carrying all this body fat at three well because with that food that that kid's getting fed i'm sure it's also could be whatever the parents eating certainly could be but you could feed that to my kid and they would burn it right off it's weird it's not even it's just not even my uh oldest daughter is like super skinny man um the middle one actually she's super skinny like she she like is always thin like really thin and she eats whatever she wants she never has to worry about it she's always wants another scoop of ice cream and you know we don't restrict sweet we give them like mostly healthy food but we don't restrict the shit i don't believe in restricting things i believe like

and also reminding them after they eat ice cream how they feel like shit yeah you know like know, like after they eat ice cream, I'm like, that was good, right? It tasted good. But damn, I feel tired now. Do you feel tired? And they're like, yes. Why do I feel tired when I eat ice cream? Well, your body's not supposed to have that much sugar. Like, it sucks because it tastes really good.

She goes, it does suck. I'm like, yeah, I know. It's weird. It's a weird trick we play on ourselves. I want her to know about that trick when she's six, not when she's 26 and she's throwing up in the toilet to try to stay thin. It's good to have fatty foods. It's fun sometimes. I don't believe it's good to miss out on all the pleasures in life because some people get hooked

on them i say i think that's horseshit i agree like bacon is fucking delicious i'm not quitting i will never stop eating bacon it's not gonna fucking happen it's too good when i sit there and i'm chewing on a crispy piece of bacon that's cooked maybe just a little too long but it's just crunching in my mouth and the saltiness and the sweetness of the pig fat that's just warm and melting in my mouth as I chew it down, breaking down the crispy fat. I'm not stopping. It's never happening. Never. If you bake bacon at like 425 for 20 minutes, it is the perfect, I mean, it's translucent,

and it melts in your mouth, and I swear to God, if dick tastes like that, my dad would bruise knees. Like, I fucking love bacon. I was telling, was I telling you today? I haven't had a- If dick tasted like that, I'd have bruised knees. I fucking love that taste. Well, Rob Wolf is one of the paleo diet pioneer guys, just a sort of genius fitness health guy. He slow cooks bacon every morning.

He's like, it's a ritual. He gets that fat bacon from Whole Foods, you know, those thick-ass bacons. Dude. And he puts on this, like, fucking slow bacon cooker, and he's like, as I'm getting ready for my day, and I'm going through my day, it's smelling. The aroma is filling the house. It's like there's'm getting ready for my day and I'm going through my day it's smelling if the aromas filling the house it's like there's a bunch of experiences going on I'm like god damn these poor vegans these poor bastards my wife my wife you know how like we don't have sense like a woman

I'll have a scent when you start dating me like I'm trying to smells like strawberries I did it smells like bacon I had a chick one time that smelled like fucking bologna I was like I had up dating her for two years. Processed. But my wife smells like bacon. Every morning she makes the same thing. She's Southern. Bacon, eggs, biscuits, and fruit for the kids. Every fucking morning.

That's a good call. That's a good call. That's a good backrest. My house reeks of bacon. I'd even take my bacon game to the next level. When you go to buy your bacon, if you buy it at just a regular store, they have the thick cut. Don't get the thick cut that's spread out like playing cards, like fanned out. Get the thick cut that's packed in like dollar bills, okay?

And then look at this. You got to make sure that the beginning to the end of that thick cut is even. You don't want any dips in it. Go for fucking straight even. That's the most amount of bacon you can get for your money. Yeah. I'm taking my bacon pretty seriously these days. To go to a butcher, that's

when you take it to the next level, right? You know when you're really taking it to the next level? You raise your own fucking pigs. Raise your own pigs, get friendly with them and shoot them right in the head. Because that's what you gotta do. We had this guy on the podcast, his name is Joel Salatin, and he's a pretty

famous farmer for writing books about farming. He tries to recreate natural environments as much as possible. And one of the things he does with his pigs is he puts them all inside a movable fence. So the fence is enormous. All the pigs are inside of this. And then he moves the fence. And so the fence moves to a new area. And the pigs root around.

They eat acorns and nuts and all kinds of shit. And then after X amount of days, they move the fence to a new area. So the pigs have a totally new area to graze. He has this enormous plot of land that he does all this on. And it's all like a little electric fences to keep the pigs in. But the pigs are more like a wild pig. They have like a dark texture to their meat, but they're super healthy. But they maintain the same sort of characteristics of domesticated pigs, where they're not

freaked out by people, they're not fucking trying to run from you all the time. I thought what you described was like, do you remember Daniel LaRusso's Halloween costume in The Karate Kid? That shower that he could walk around and nobody could see them? I thought that was the fence, like the pigs could move the fence.

That's funny, like a 3D sort of term table. Like the pigs could just walk their fence around like a walker. Oh, that's funny. Like a 3D sort of term table. Like the pigs could just walk their fence around like a walker. Oh, that's funny. And so I was like, that's fucking genius. And then all of a sudden, your pigs are in town and they're all on that fence. The guy's got to come put a fucking tow hitch on the fence.

Maybe that's what they'll do one day. They'll get the Oculus Rift for pigs. They put it on them and they'll fucking, what are you doing, Jamie? That's Danny LaRusso's costume for the Karate Kids. Oh. Daniel LaRusso. costume for the Karate Kid. Oh. Daniel LaRusso. Yeah.

I remember it. I used to have a joke. Don't you think at one point, at some point, Danny LaRusso's mom would have been like, I think this maintenance man is trying to fuck my son. You're spending a lot of time together. This crazy Japanese guy is making him paint his house. He comes, his knees are bruised, his hands are sore.

He's painting for him this is some weird slave fetish thing slave wax on wax off wait a minute you're waxing his car or he's teaching you karate it's one or the other yeah people like had this idea that somehow or another like painting a fence was gonna help you fight that was a dumbest fucking movie he's catching fucking flies with chopsticks and shit that ruined a lot of people with karate. Oh, or it started us. That was the first movie I ever cried at. I fucking sobbed. Well, you were in a Taekwondo champion. Did you not see

Old Yeller? Yeah. Oh, I cried at that too. But that was before that. No, I've cried at a lot of movies. I cried on stage at the Columbus Funny Bone telling people about Time Traveler's Wife. Just telling. I said, I can't even talk about it. Someone who was a fan of the podcast was like, talk about Time Traveler's Wife. Whoa. Just telling. I said, I can't even talk about it. Someone who was a fan of the podcast was like, talk about Time Traveler's Wife.

I go, I can't even talk about it. I'll start crying. If I start telling you about the movie Time Traveler's Wife or the movie Miracle about the U.S. hockey team, I start sobbing uncontrollably. Which one is more emotional? The one about the guys getting the puck in the net or the guy who goes back in time and sees his wife or some shit? They're equal

What is the premise of time travels wife? I'm not doing this No, I'll tell you don't Google it cuz it's gonna take forever well tell me what it is It's a guy who learns how to time travels He's told he had a certain time right the day his mom dies he he time travels. And it turns out that in times of stress, he time travels. So he's a drinking problem because when he drinks, he doesn't time travel. So Bert's in. So I'm in. He's relating to this guy. Thank you, Joe.

I'm so glad you see it this way. Eric Bana. Oh, dude. Sucked as the Hulk. Loved him in everything else. Got too high. Saw him as the Hulk. Like, homeboys phoning it in yeah not liking it i maintained that hamstring this career no pun intended i think he got hamstringed by his whole performance before that he did that

fucking movie where he played that con man or the uh the uh convict in australia uh the guy with the with the fucking tattoos all over his name. Or the tattoos all over his body. Oh, damn it. I've seen him in some really good performances. Hotting the fuck up. Remember that guy? What's that guy's name?

Eric Bana. What was the movie he played? It was like the movie that let everybody know who the fuck he is. Chopper. Chopper. That's it. Chopper. That was like Russell Crowe had Romper. Chopper. That's it. Chopper. That was like Russell Crowe had Romper Stomper.

Did you ever see that one? He plays a skinhead. Oh, really? It's a really good movie. Wow. That was his first movie that kind of sent him off. Anyway, I maintain that his performance as Bruce Banner just fucking hamstringed him. So I watched it on pot brownies or pot cookies, some form of edible, and I was like, bullshit.

Bullshit. He was so phoning it in. It was so fake. There was some scene where the guy and the girl are talking, and it was so fake. I was like, oh, I lost it. I lost the trance of the movie. It's weird how weed can do that.

I think tons of weed can do that to you. It can either dial you in so you get things that no one would get, or you can all of a sudden see the costumes on the movie. It's weird how weed can do that. I think tons of weed can do that to you. It can either dial you in so you get things that no one would get, or you can all of a sudden see the costumes on the actors. And you're like, what the fuck? That's a mask! Especially edibles, man. They make you super sensitive to bad acting.

But if you go see that fucking Daniel Day-Lewis movie, what was the one where, Drink My Milkshake, what the fuck was that? There will be blood. There will be blood. What was the one where Drink My Milkshake? What the fuck was that? There Will Be Blood. There Will Be Blood. Go see that one when you're high as fuck and it'll lock you in. You'll be like, Jesus. Imagine if you knew this fucking guy. If you actually

had a deal with this guy. You're gonna have to kill this guy. You're gonna have to kill him. I drank your milkshake. Like, fuck. I don't remember any of that movie. All I remember is them swimming in like 40 feet out in the Pacific. It was a good fucking movie.

And he finds out that his brother's not his brother. And he fucking takes him back to the beach and kills him. How about Spoiler Alert? Sorry, guys. Jesus Christ, man. If you haven't fucking watched it by now. Jesus Christ. There's a lot of people that haven't seen it yet.

Erase, erase bad memories. Erase, erase. Yeah, that guy's just, he knows how to do it. Like, whatever it is that acting is, that guy knows how to do it. He is that guy. Yeah. Townsend, New York? Gangs in New York?

Yeah. That was the first time I realized, I was like, because I remember seeing Last of the Mohicans when I was a kid, and I was like, ah, it's a good movie, but I thought there would be more action. I couldn't appreciate acting or whatever. But when I saw Gang was a kid, and I was like, ah, it's a good movie, but I thought there would be more action. I couldn't appreciate acting or whatever. But when I saw Gangs of New York, I was like, motherfucker, this guy is that guy. Like, he committed. Yeah, he's in the groove, man.

And he does that with a bunch of different characters, too. He played that IRA guy who was a boxer. I saw that. I thought he was called the boxer, right? Yeah, I think that was like the best performance of an actor pretending to be a boxer. The most realistic. Because it looked like real boxing. Whereas opposed to like a lot of these movies, like, what a lot of people are missing is

in the choreography, it shows one guy teeing off on the other guy. And that's very rare. In reality, it's usually exchanges. Like you're hitting each other. Like the good guy gets hit too. But if you look at like Marky Mark's movie, was that the boxer or whatever the fuck it was? Yeah. What was his movie?

The Fighter? The Fighter. Yeah. And apparently he's boxed before. But the choreography of the boxing scenes is very unrealistic. It didn't look anything like watching Mickey Ward fight. If you watch Mickey Ward fight, I mean, he's taking shots. He had this, like, this earmuff-style defense.

He kept his hands up high. He'd come in, and he'd take shots, and he'd throw vicious body punches. But you're watching Marky Mark do it. His hands are down, his face is out there. It's not like a real boxer. Daniel Day-Lewis looked like a guy who'd been punched in the face. Like, there's a difference between a guy who gets punched in the face all the time, the way they hold their hands, the way they're actually aware that that's a possibility,

and then guys who just not thinking they can get hit at all. Yeah. You know, like, and if you're in a movie, it's one thing if you're hitting the bag or something, but if you're in a movie, you're playing a boxer, it's very important that you look like someone who might get hit in the face. As opposed to an actor Who knows where the camera is yeah an actor who knows where the camera is and knows how to throw the punches together Yeah, but it's unrealistic because the guy's not hitting you back like it doesn't look like the guy can hit you back

You're not scared of the guy you're not posturing like Daniel Day-Lewis. He's got his hands up. He's moving. He's throwing punches He's throwing his left hand his right hands here when he. When he throws his right hand, his left hand is here, his shoulders are hunched. He's not standing like some fucking superhero. He's standing like a boxer. He's making his target small. His footwork is excellent. The way he's delivering the jab, right hand combination, the one-two combination, looks very smooth. Everything looks real.

And he boxed for a full year before he did that role. For a full year. This motherfucker trained every day every day he got up he went jogging he lived like a boxer he went to the gym he hit the mitts he hit the speed bag he hit the heavy bag he did rounds he put fucking vaseline on his face and they sent him out there with a cup on they beat the shit out of each other he did it for a year dude a year He lived like a pro boxer for a fucking year. And when that movie came around, he really looked like a boxer. What about, did you see the movie Warrior?

Which one's that? The MMA one with... Unfortunately, I did. Okay, that one made me cry also. What? That was a good movie. It was a good movie. It was a great movie. It was poorly executed as far as MMA's concerned. It was preposterous. It was a great movie. It was poorly executed as far as MMA is concerned. It was preposterous.

First of all, you would never make people fight two days in a row. It would never happen. You can't do that. Yeah. Because two days in a row, the first day, you get beat the fuck up. Everybody, even the people who win, the next day, you're sore as fuck. Your body's all beat up. Your head might be, you might have internal swelling.

You don't know. There's a lot of shit that goes on with these guys after a serious mma fight that you could never do two fights in a row where you're going to war like that it's just not happening it's just not happening and i think that the the premise could have been achieved with a realistic scenario like you could have people fight more than one time in a night that's happened people have done that they barely limp into the final round sometimes. But people have done it. People have fought three times in a night.

It's happened. You know, they do that. I've seen them fight in that Hoyler-Gracy, Hexer- Hoist, probably. No, no, no. Hickson, Valle-Tudo. Choke. Choke, yeah.

Hickson. Hickson. In that one, he fought twice in a night. Yeah, that was Japan, Valle-Tudo. He might have fought three times. Might have fought three times. Two or three times. But three times is not uncommon back then.

They used to have those tournaments. They did that recently on Glory, man. Joe Schilling, the guy who was in here a couple weeks ago. He made it to the fucking finals, man. He fought three times in a night. God. Against killers. He's fighting killers.

He fought this guy. The first guy he fought was undefeated. He fights him, and then he fights another guy who had beaten him, and then he goes to the finals and fights arguably the best middleweight in the world. So it was fucking ridiculous, man. I have a hard time doing three show nights. Yeah. Like they do that in Columbus sometimes.

I was there last week. I was like, no three show. I can't do it. I was like, by the third show, I'm literally going I get on stage I'm like I have no idea what I've said so far. Yeah, because you've done two shows already You're getting confused with your jokes. Also. The audience is done. It's midnight. Yeah, it's the fucking 18 and under show Usually those ones in really that's what they do. Yeah, well Miami they would Miami was 18 under was chaos fucking dick swag and chaos Like swag and dude, I know I've told you but yeah I had a number of times where gang bangers were getting on the stage and showing their dicks

like and I was just like I made friends with the wrong gang and They showed up in my show and they just would get on stage and show their dicks and it was fucking chaos friends with them So you like? and it was fucking chaos. You made friends with them? So you're like, hey guys,

let's go back to my show. All right. No gang signs. Just kidding. LOL. It was like stepping shit stupidity. I was doing radio with DJ Laz

in Miami. He's like the biggest radio guy. And there was this gang called, there was this band called the Zo Pound. And I was like, and I'm doing radio with them and I bring in tequila and so we're all drinking tequila.

Are you allowed to talk about this without getting gang retribution? Yeah, no, of course, of course, of course. Yeah. You know, I mean, it was on radio. Everything was up and up, and all this was set on radio. And so I just started doing shots with them in tequila and the radio and with DJ Laz, and then I invited them to the show that night. And then halfway through, the song they were singing was,

I'm a Zo, I'm a Zo, I'm a zoo for life on and our whatever and I will you sang along with it I'm fucking I'm sure I was I was drunk, but the halfway through I go wait so Pam I sound so familiar and literally I'm like oh my god. I saw you guys on gang DJ Laz is losing his mind like, motherfucker! Does this guy not know who he's talking to? And I was like, and I had already invited him to the show, so then they came out with the show. It was fucking chaos.

It was absolutely chaos. Well, the DJ's asking you, do you know? Well, you're the one who got him in the studio, motherfucker. DJ Laz! How about letting me know who the people are? Yeah, let me know their fucking gang! How about that? He's upset at you that you don't know who they are?

How about you tell me, bitch? Was this a secret? But yeah, it was so, and then everyone came to my show that night and i had to drink tequila on stage and then next day a bunch of gang members came on stage showed their dicks and it was fucking chaos but were they hard or were they just they were soft and they were massive they were fucking massive they were heckling so fucking bad you have no idea and i can't i don't know these three dudes i never met them other than i knew that they were armed because that's what the manager said. The manager told you they were armed?

I said, kick them out. They were heckling so bad. Lisa Craio, they heckled her so bad that she was visibly upset. Okay. And then the guy goes on next, the feature act, and his hair is, he's like balding guy a little bit, like feathered, covered. But when he comes off, it's matted, sweaty to his bald head. And he's just fucking like, he's like, these guys are fucking assholes they're ruining the show and so i tell the manager who's not there for a long time now i said uh dude can you ask him to leave or tell him to be quiet he's like i think they're armed i'm not gonna fucking say anything i think they're

armed i'm not gonna say anything yeah well how does he expect you to perform uh i i think he just said you know take one on the chin and here we go. Wow. But, dude, I've— That's crazy. That's nothing. They're letting these people just take over their club. Yeah.

It was like— The possible potential threat of violence. They're letting these people just dictate what goes on in their club. They're letting these people bully the club around. That's what's going on, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, but here's the deal.

Here's the deal. I'd argue to say this, that? Yeah, yeah. I mean, but here's the deal. Here's the deal. I'd argue to say this, that you'd probably handle it very differently, but you're a very different guy than, say, like me or Bobby Kelly. But, like, I feel like there's a New York vibe, and I just know how to deal with that bad element where they're not getting kicked out. They've already paid. They're going to be sitting here.

So I would just ask them questions that I already had the answers to that were set up to my jokes or bits I could get into, and then it went fine. That's great. If they play along they don't want to just ruin the show. Sometimes people just want to ruin a show. They're not just trying to have a good time. There's a bunch of different, like all hecklers are not created

equal. There's some people heckle shit and it's funny. I think, I don't know, I've dealt with a number of hecklers and I feel like starting in New York, it's easy. It's not easy, but you just know how to fucking shut it down. Well, you get used to being fucked with. You know, we were talking about that yesterday, Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen and I, about actors.

Like, some actors who take themselves super fucking seriously. You can't joke around with them at all. They'll just, they'll get fucking furious. They have no sense of humor and they storm off you know i think people who've been fucked with a bunch you know what getting fucked with is like you walk out there like oh it's fucking burn what's up guys what's up what's up you get used to it you're not like what why are you guys giving me a hard time why don't you just accept the way i look i have body image issues already you guys are fucking oh it's my breasts you don't like my accept the way I look? I have body image issues already. You guys are fucking, oh, it's my breasts? You don't like my breasts?

Okay, well, fuck you. This is me. Get on or get off. It's the Burt ride, okay? I'm not changing. This is who I am, okay? Like, really self-indulgent, actor-y type thinking, right? Well, then, you know, you would have a hard time with hecklers.

But if you're a guy that's like a guy who did stand up at the store you know the store doesn't have any crowd control so i started out there no one ever stopped anybody from yelling shit out very similar store mentality same as new york they would kick people out though if shit get ugly they would kick people out they would just figure out a way to do it see i'm i am the opposite i'm the exact opposite of that in that i'm maybe not perfect for hecklers but i want everyone to like me that's a massive fucking underlying tone in my personality so i won't even if they say something hurtful or mean i don't snap on them it takes a lot for me to snap well you should just as a craftsman not snap on them immediately anyway unless it's the funny thing to do and you got to know when it is it's like a weird

sort of like sometimes it's funny to just snap on someone right away and not as long as you don't really mean it like that's the thing to like you can't actually be angry when you're snapping there has to be a smile there I mean like a real legitimate smile you have to be enjoying yourself and it has to be that what you're doing is you're putting on an improvised performance dealing with these variables these people in the audience and if you can do that, you can manage that, you can make a crazy situation become fun.

Yeah. But it's like some people can't. It's not their style. Some people's style is, I've prepared a performance. And if you heckle me, you're ruining what I've prepared. And what I've prepared is not better

than dealing with you. And you're fucking it up for all these people around you. And they're right too, man. Yeah. They they're right too it's just live performances are weird you can't control like it's a crazy agreement that works most of the time I mean it is a great testament to how fucking cool people are that stand-up works as often as it does I mean when everybody like shit like we're talking about the, about how the news is always highlighting all these negative things, because really what the news is an entertainment show. And the best way to get you to be paying attention is to scare you, not to show you robust views of happy people thriving in this world and being loving and successful, which is a great majority of people. Way more than are cunts. It's just that small percentage gets to the news.

And so you look at the news, you're like, the world's overrun with cunts. But it's not. It's not. It's just that's what they're showing you. That's what's in front of you. If you look at how many goddamn comedy shows go on, the great majority of people are fucking amazing. The great majority. it's just a

very few people heckle one out of 300 maybe one out of 600 i like the thing that drives me more nuts than heckling is those people who talk to other people about something that's what drives me nuts is a on a table of eight where a guy's talking across the table and you've seen him leaning forward and going like hey let's say like i don't mind heckling i feel like that's the way my buddy was my black friend was saying that racism is i'd rather know you're fucking racist and know where my i lay then have you do it behind my back then then you're sneaky yeah definitely you want to know if somebody doesn't like you're someone's going to be a problem yeah and so there's people that talk like just talk like shit

i just fucking that will make me crazy and then i'll snap that'll be weird Yeah, I've seen people talk like not why I've been on stage, but rather while other people been on stage I've seen people like like talk shit about the comedians Performances like in the front row and then like saw with Nick DiPaolo or something Nick DiPaolo Some guy was like like had his arms crossed and Nick even though Nick was killing with the rest of the crowd, he's like this fucking guy with his arms crossed. Like what's going on here? Like what? Yeah.

Well, my job's not good enough for you. Like, like became like this obsession with them. Like this guy has his arms crossed. Well, guy had his arms crossed, but I've seen people like talk shit about people.

Like this guy sucks. Like in the front row. And you see the, like, Ooh, how's this guy going to deal with this? And you see the comic deal with it. Like,

Oh, I suck, sir. You know, like what, you know, what's going with this? And you see the comic deal with it, like, oh, I suck, sir. You know, like, what's going on here? And it always winds up being these people are way less clever than they think they are. They think they're going to get you.

And it's almost like when someone throws a haymaker at you and you just get out of the way of it, you're like, what? Was that supposed to hit me? And they're like, oh, shit. Now you know you're going to be in for a long night. Because now you're actually having a conversation with a stand-up. Instead of being able to say to your friend, oh, this guy sucks, now this guy's going to focus on you.

You're going to trip up. You're just going to, okay, unless you're some fucking comedy wizard that's undercover. And even then you know I'm a microphone. You're going to get beaten up by someone who's a real comic. They're going to be able to chew you up. But they don't think that. They don't think that.

They think they're smarter. When people see people fight, I can't tell you how many times where people, after UFC, it goes, why the fuck didn't the guy just do this? Why doesn't he just do it? Why doesn't he fucking hit him with the right hand? Like, what are you talking about? You think it's that easy to punch somebody? Like, what are you, crazy?

You don't think he sees the right hand coming? He's right in front of him. Oh, okay. Why don't you go do it? You don't know what you're talking about. You've never tried to do this. This is crazy talk. When they, if they actually got out there, they would shit their pants and realize like, oh, this is a moving target. That's better at this

than me. And they're moving faster than I can move. I'm going to get hit in the head. Oh my God. And then when you're thinking about getting a hit in the head, you're trying to throw a punch. Yeah. That's reality. Every time you throw a punch, bang, you get your fucking head knocked back. That's reality. But when people are watching shit, their ridiculous confidence plus booze, they get this stupid distorted idea of who they are in the greater spectrum thing. They think they're better at something than you without even ever doing it, which is hilarious.

It's amazing how fast a real-life punch, like how, you're right, you can kind of do, it's almost like the dance move in your head versus the dance move you really do. Like, I've only ducked one punch, and I fucking, when I did, I cracked my nose on my knee, because I ducked way too fucking hard. That's hilarious. But that's, I just went whack, and fucking was like, holy shit. But that's the reality of it, is you go, I know what to do, but I just have never done the dance myself well that's what that daniel day lewis guy did it's a reason why he looks so good as a boxer is he was out there moving with real boxers getting hit ducking bobbing and

weaving so that when he was in there he had a realistic sense of the movements that you would actually be performing while you're fighting as opposed to to, like, a lot of guys is like, yeah, and then I'm going to hit him with this punch, and he's going to go falling back, then I'm going to hit him with a one-two, and your face is wide open, you're not bobbing, you're not weaving. It's, you know, the unrealistic sense of competence

without experience is the sign of a fucking idiot. And that's a really common thing, especially with men. Men with testosterone and alcohol combined with very few real live experiences as far as like really having to pull yourself up, really having to dig down deep and find out what your character is all about. There's a lot of guys going through life that never find out who the fuck they really are when the going gets rough. They just don't know. They've never been there. So their idea of what they're capable of or how they would respond to those situations is based on fucking movies. It's based on, like, hero bullshit movies.

You know, this guy kicks everybody's ass. That's what I fucking do. I kick everybody's ass. I saw a YouTube video. I know what to do. I'll kick this fucking guy's ass. Like, the reality, though, is that's terrifying. There's no rules.

This is all wild. No one knows what's going to happen here. This is completely improvisational, and it involves violence. It involves you being successful at achieving violence on someone who's probably been doing it way longer than you. They're way better at you. Just like a comic is way better at cracking jokes than a

person who's never been on stage cracking jokes. Oh, when you see actors play comics in movies, and you go, oh, you're clearly acting. You're clearly acting. Because you've never done stand-up. Because I know right now that if there was a stand-up doing that, he would simply be doing stand-up, and they'd be filming it. Yes. As opposed to watching them act as if they're fun.

Oh, it's fucking painful. Well, Tom Hanks and fucking Sally Field. I was just thinking of that. Oh, that movie's awful. Oh, it's fucking painful. Well, Tom Hanks and fucking Sally Field. I was just thinking of that. Good Lord, that movie's awful. Oh, it's painful. Good Lord. It's the fucking one with, oh, never mind. Barry Sobel.

No, yeah, there's more that have been out like that. But you just watch someone who's clearly not a stand-up, and you're like, and I think Seth Rogen's very funny, but he's not a stand-up. Well, he was a stand-up. Yeah, but he's not. How dare you? I mean, he was. Have you ever seen his Canadian performance?

He has that on his first performance, like, in Canada online. You should watch it, man. Is he really funny? I think he's fucking hilarious in all his movies. I think he's an amazing writer, an amazing actor. I love watching the guy. But just when I saw him in that movie, I thought he was a great actor in it. But when we did stand-up, I thought he was doing a version of someone else that people

thought he would be doing, as opposed to Seth Rogen, the movies I watch. The movies I watch, when I watch him be funny, that is not him being funny. Like, that's not the translation of that. You know what another problem is? What? When they have those movies where guys do stand-up on stage, the material's never good. Right. You know why?

Because stand-ups are never going to give you good material that you could use in their fucking movie. Fuck you. If I'm writing for a movie about stand-up and I come up with a really good idea, that's not going in that movie, bitch. That's going over here. I'm going to store that. I'm going to give you some mediocre nonsense that you could add.

I always think that about writers for TV shows that started off as stand-ups. I'm like, there's no way. I'd never write for anybody. I'd never write for anybody. I could never write for anybody. I could never, that's not me. I could never also take material from other people. I need to, it all needs to be mine. It needs to come from me entirely, 100%, and it needs to be my words.

Some guys can't do that. They don't have the time. You know, they're doing a bunch of movies and shit. I don't know. So they hire writers. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with hiring writers. If that's what you want to do, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I don't do it.

Most of my friends don't do it. I don't know anybody who does it. I don't know anyone who does it. I mean, I know a guy who does it, but I don't know him personally. But it's all right. It's fine. I mean, it's an honest exchange. I don't have a problem with Larry the Cable Guy doing it or Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall.

exchange. I don't know the problem with Larry the Cable guy doing it or Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall. I just think anyone who's not a household name in that respect I just fucking tap out. Look at this. 1996 Seth Rogan doing stand-up comedy in Canada. Wow.

Yeah, no, he's a comic. I heard him on Opie and Anthony talking about it. He definitely started out as a comic. But I think he was doing comedy in a movie. Again, he's probably not doing stand-up right now. I think he did a little bit for that movie to prepare for it, but he's not doing it enough to where he's got like 20 killer minutes that he could do in the movie and they could use that.

And you wouldn't do it anyway. You would give him some whack-ass material, the good stuff you're going to use on stage. You're going to use it for a special. You're going to use it. If you're a comic especially, and the guys who are good comics are the guys who are going to be good at writing stand-up comedy. If someone's never done stand-up comedy, it's just theoretical whether or not their jokes

are good. There's a lot of people that write for sitcoms that have never done stand-up and never performed, and they have some ideas of what they think will be funny in a scene, and occasionally they're right, occasionally they're right, but they're wrong almost as much as they're right, you know, unless they're really good writers, you know, on a really good show where they've got a tremendous amount of experience, they've got a good feel of the dynamic of these situations and what's going to be funny about the pause

and what's going to be funny about this line in response to the pause, but a lot of them are just guessing. They're just guessing. Like, you'll get scripts, dude. I've read some scripts. I've read a script recently where I'm like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. Really? None of this is funny.

I'm like going page after page. Like, when does it get to be funny, you fucking lazy cunts? Yeah. Like, this is shit. This is like shit writing. But that's a lot of it out there, man. Go watch an episode of fucking two and a half men after Charlie Sheen left Jesus Christ tough you'll have a heart attack you go where the jokes what is this? What are you trying to make me look? What is this? Yeah?

We try so watch it when he was still on the show same shit sometimes Sometimes it was half decent. I saw I've seen a lot of sitcoms where I just some funny You know half decent premises yeah, that's hard that kid passed away Harold Harris Whittles Yeah, he was a he I read that some of his writings from Aziz Ansari wrote a blog about him the kid that his of his writings from in aziz ansari wrote a blog about him the kid that his writings were fucking hilariously shit that's all i think i met him one time in houston a long time ago he worked at door but he i mean that's fun it's really hard to translate even being funny on stage to writing a script and making it funny really fucking hard yeah it's hard it's hard to get a real genuine sense of interaction between two human beings when you're trying to put in punchlines.

Like, oh, God, some people are so bad at it. I got fucking really spoiled because the writers on news radio were really good. Do you have no idea how funny that show was? I know how I was there. No, just as an outside someone who watches it, like, you have no idea. Because you had to deal with Andy Dick every day. Yeah, it was all right. No, but to deal with Andy Dick every day. It was alright. Even just working with him.

From the outside looking in, Andy Dick was so goddamn hilarious on that show. It's a real tragedy that that didn't turn him into fucking what Ben Stiller is. Well, it could have. Andy's crazy. I mean, he got the Andy

Dick show and all the other stuff, but Andy will tell you himself that it was more battling demons than have. Andy's crazy. Yeah. I mean, he got the Andy Dick show and all the other stuff. But Andy will tell you himself that it was more battling demons than anything. He's got a lot of demons. Yeah. He had some thing that he's talking about on his Instagram the other day. I looked at it. It was him drinking some healthy drink. He's like, thank God I'm addicted to something healthy for once.

I mean, that's his deal. It's always going to be his deal. But we used to do scenes. We had to do them like three or four times cuz I couldn't fucking not laugh Oh really break yeah, I would break like cuz he told you nuts on this set right sometimes sometimes He's great. I mean out of all the times. We worked together. He didn't drive me nuts the majority of time It wasn't that bad he he became way more out of control after he left the show than he was on the show. Really? Getting arrested and all that stuff. That didn't go on while he was on the show.

Now, did you guys have a set? I don't think I've ever asked you this. Did you have a set next door to Geraldo's? Yes. And did you guys used to drink beers after work? Yeah, we would go to, well, we used to drink beer on the set. We used to drink beer down the street. There was this bar that we used to go to that would be like a lot of different shows would go

there. I hung out with the dude from Everybody Loves Raymond, the old man. What's the guy's... The dad. Famous actor. Jerry, no. Oh, fuck. Peter? Yes. Not O'Toole. Peter. He was in Young Frankenstein.

Peter Boyle. Yeah, Peter Boyle. Yeah, he was in Young Frankenstein. Peter Boyle. Peter Boyle. Yeah, Peter Boyle. Yeah, he was in Young Frankenstein. He was in a bunch of movies. He's been around a long time. He was cool as fuck. We got to hang out with a lot of cool people back there. I always wanted to party with the girl that was on your show.

Which one? Melissa? No. Maura Tierney? Maura Tierney. Maura Tierney's great. I think I heard Geraldo say she was just fun to party with. She liked to drink. Yeah. She likes to get fucked up. She's hilarious, too. She to party with. She liked to drink. Yeah.

She likes to get fucked up. She's hilarious, too. She's very funny. She's a really good actress, actor, whatever you want to call it. She's so good that sometimes we'd be doing scenes, and I wouldn't really know that we had started doing the scene. I thought she was just talking because, you know, like, she was, like, so natural the way she would act. It was, like, it was really natural. Kind of creepy.

Like, I'd be like, ooh. the way she would act. It was really natural. Kind of creepy. I'd be like, ooh. But it's like, that's the craft. The craft of sliding effortlessly into a role with no bullshit about it. And that's something that's very hard

for a lot of people to do. And it's very hard for a lot of people to write that way as well. That's the big thing. For an actor, you get a great actor like a Stephen Root. Stephen Root never, he didn't really ad lib they would write he had a very specific very like clear

character Stephen Root was the boss it was Jimmy James and so they would he's not anything like that guy you met him he's like the biggest sweetheart he's like he's like you know Jimmy James the boss is like the slick talking guy and you know who's kind of like not dumb but not really interested

like he was dude that show was I mean that show was honestly and I know you guys always teetered on

whether or not you're going to get renewed that show was one of my favorite shows I've ever seen ever on television Quantum Leap number one that show number two I mean

okay we're in lofty company at least Quantum Leap's one of the best that show got moved nine times. News radio moved nine times before the internet. So there was no internet back then. Well, there was an internet, I guess. The internet sort of started in 1994,

but nobody was using it to find out what time shows were on. The amount of people that were on the internet back then was fucking nil. That show was during dial-up. Yeah, it was during dial-up. It was during 14.4 dial-up. That's when it started.

Fucking 14.4 baud modems. When it went... Everything was slow as fuck. If you want to download a picture of tits, it would be like this chunk, chunk. I remember that. Chunk, chunk. Chunk, chunk.

And then all of a sudden you get a chunk and you're like, all right, I'm going to start jerking off now. And then it's a dick. This will be loaded by the time I come. Yeah, you get past her tits and she's jerking off. I'm like, what? She's got a dick?

But the show moved nine different times. So because you guys weren't like a definite hit, does that mean you guys, I feel like when shows aren't hits, it brings the cast closer together. Oh, I don't know. I mean, we definitely couldn't get a big hit, which is good. Because there's a lot of people that get big hits when they get successful. There's no way around it. It happens so often. We were talking about it the other day, about this show where this guy got on it

and then immediately started acting like a cunt. Like, just thought he was... Every reality show out there. The whole world revolved around... It wasn't a reality show, it was a sitcom. Really? The whole world revolved around him, and then he wound up fucking ruining his entire career.

But that just happens when things get successful. Something happens when certain people get successful, when, especially, like, actors, and there's a part of them that almost, like, serial killers want to get caught. There's a part of them that almost like serial killers want to get caught. There's a part of actors where they act so ridiculous that they almost want someone to call them on it. They almost want someone to tell them, hey, you're being a fucking cunt. And they're like, yeah, you know, I really was.

There's a comedy movie that my friend did with this guy and the guy's a famous guy. And in the middle of the scene, he just starts smashing this car. He fucked his scene up. So he starts kicking at this car and he breaks the windows and he breaks the side mirror off and he just fucking picks up something and smashes it against his car, fucks his car up, man. And I don't know if it was somebody's car or if it was production's car or what is,

but he felt like he was such a big deal, and he's a very famous guy, that at the time he just felt like he could smash this car. So he just smashed a car on set. Yeah. I mean, it's just one of those things. It's like the guy went crazy. But he went crazy because he could get away with it, and they cleaned cleaned it all up and he paid for whatever the damage was in the car. And that's where it ended. And it's like, it's, it's one of those things. It's like, you can't do that. If you're in the Teamsters, you can't do that. You're the craft service guy. The craft service guy can't say, look, I'm going to pay for that car. I fucked it up. Like, no, you're not going to pay for it. You're going to go to jail, you asshole. Yeah. Eventually eventually you'll pay for it even if you do pay for it fuck you you don't work here anymore yeah like i don't care how good your egg sandwich is you can't smash someone's car because you fucking burnt an egg you know but if you're an actor you can get this sense that it's okay for

you to just smash this fucking car yeah like that kind of makes people go nutty when they get famous when things go really well for them we never got famous we never went well we were on television and it was like really hard for people to just enjoy the moment of being on television like there was a lot of conversations we had on the show where like a balanced perspective was required because they would be like i can't believe this show is after Friends. This is bullshit. That show fucking sucks. And why are they after Seinfeld? That show fucking sucks.

And why can't we be on Thursday nights? And, you know, God, this is so frustrating. And, you know, I remember we were having this conversation. I was like, look, last time I checked, we're on fucking TV. Yeah. We have a TV show, you know, and it's still in the air. We're in like season three. Like, this is crazy.

And there's probably no perspective at the time that you guys were, I mean, we're getting to work with Phil Hartman, who is, it was like a blessing. It was like, it was definitely a perspective of that, that, you know, we definitely, I definitely recognize Phil and, and Dave Foley. It's equally important. Dave Foley was like the glue that kept that whole, he was like what I see that guy a lot producer. I see that guy running that guy a lot. What are you running to him? Jer the secret producer. I see that guy. I run into that guy a lot.

What do you run into him? Jerk-off powers? I saw you wink. Yeah. What? Our kids go to the same school, but I always want to stop him and say, like, I'm never good at meeting celebrities. He's a sweetie.

I want to go like, hey, I know Joe Rogan. Just do it. I know. You'd have a great conversation with him. Trust me. He's a sweetheart of a guy. Or he'd be creeped out like I've creeped out a lot of fucking celebrities before. I think he would deal with it. I know, but... You'd have a great conversation with him. Trust me. He's a sweetheart of a guy. Or he'd be creeped out like I've creeped out a lot of fucking celebrities before. I think he would deal with it.

He's very intelligent. Yeah. Well, maybe I'll try to say hi to him next time I see him. He's a good dude, man. He's a really good dude. And he struggled with that fucking demon in a bottle, too. Yeah. But what were you saying?

I didn't mean to interrupt you. I'm sorry. I want to hear... You were saying that... I said Phil Hartman's so talented and he was taken away so quick that you didn't know you were getting to work with like a guy that's a legend at the end of his life. We certainly didn't know it was the end of his life, but we definitely knew he was something special. You know, every time we went anywhere, like that's where the people, they wanted to talk to Phil. Like very rarely anybody wanted to talk to me.

Like if they did interviews and stuff like that, like I mean occasionally people wanted to talk to Phil. Very rarely anybody wanted to talk to me. They did interviews and stuff like that. Occasionally people wanted to talk to me, but most of the time it was they wanted to talk to Phil. It was Phil fucking Hartman. He was always doing big movies. He had that Sergeant Bilko movie that turned out to be like a bomb. He did that while we were all together, and he did another couple of movies while we were all together. He was always doing something. He was always kicking ass.

He was always doing it. Was he in Beethoven? I think he was the dad in Beethoven. No, together. He was always doing something. He was always kicking ass. He was always doing... Was he in Beethoven? I think he was the dad in Beethoven. No, no. In like the third one. I think it was in the third one. Really? Charles Grodin, who became a talk show host, right?

Charles Grodin was in the first one, and then I think down the line. He got weird. That guy got weird. I think he just got implants or something. What do you mean? Hair implants, I think. I think I just saw him with hair. Really? Well, he had wigs forever. Maybe that's. I think I just saw him with hair. Really?

Well, he had wigs forever. Maybe that's what I'm thinking of. He might have. He might have done it all up and then released the hounds. He seemed like an interesting guy. He seemed like an interesting guy when he was a comic, and then I think he fell off the deep end. Well, I think dudes get older, and they just get tired of it, too.

The guy was around the 70s. By the time the year 2015 rolls around, he's probably like, oh, I'm done. Yeah. That's not going to be me. It's not? No. What are you going to do? Joan Rivers it?

Burnout. No. I don't know. I always think. I don't think you die. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't think you die. You don't think you die.

I don't think you die. Good luck with that idea. You prove it. I don't have to. I mean, theoretically theoretically I guess it just ends but I just feel like there's I don't feel like you keep going into new parallel universes it's just as possible yeah a lot you might have you know and like yeah I might have died a million people die around you what's that about I think that's part of my universe but it's not part of theirs.

In my own parallel universe, they die, and that is for my journey for them to die. I remember I lost a dude. We lost a bunch of guys. I've lost a ton of friends from suicide. Whoa, whoa, hold on. Let's not even get into it. How many? We lost like four in college in our fraternity.

Whoa. And three in high school. Yeah. Three in high school? Yeah. Three of your friends in high school committed suicide. Mm-hmm. Yeah, how many of them did you fuck to? No Yeah, we lost it We lost so many in our in our fraternity that at one point the therapist came is like you guys may not be being good friends to each other

Like you guys are killing each other like it was like well How is this? Like what would the therapist blame this guy we bought a therapist to talk about to explain loss It's a certain point after like the second suicide I think how many years of this by two years in two years yet for suicides two years three years Maybe yeah, whoa so more than one a year Yeah, yeah, yeah We had one we had one in the spring and one in the summer and then and then we you know summer And then We brought a therapist in

Because we're like Is there something going on in this room Because we're all killing ourselves Haunted room maybe It would have been a lot sexier than Just a bunch of fucking homophobic dicks Alcoholics Homophobic racist assholes

Drink themselves into depression and then blow their brains out. With drug problems that had no barriers. How were these guys icing themselves? By two guns. One drugs, one hanging. There was a dude who was one of the writers of News Radio. He was a good friend. He was a really good guy.

I really enjoyed talking to him. He was a comic before the News Radio days. His name was Drake Sather. He was a funny comic. He'd been on MTV. I know that name. He was a comic before the news radio days. His name is Drake Sather. He was a funny comic. He'd been on MTV. I know that name. He was a writer on news radio and he wrote this thing. If you've ever seen that video of me it was like the VH1 fashion awards from 1997. I played this

crazy photographer that didn't know anything about photography. I was just in photography to get laid. Sweet. You need to show your butt. Nice butt. I was naked. I was naked in front of this model. Like, the question was, I say, do you have any problem? I'm like going over her portfolio. And I'm like, you're very beautiful.

This is excellent stuff. Do you have any problem with nudity? She goes, no. No, I don't. Next picture is me naked taking her picture. It's like Bruce something fashion photographer. Bruce Testoni. Yeah.

Do you have any problem with nudoni. It's so funny. It was written by Drake. And Drake killed himself. Was he a Texas comic? He was a Boston comic. I don't know where he started, but I met him in Boston way back in the day. He might have been from Texas originally. But when I was in 1988, when I was starting out, he was in Boston.

He was doing stand-up there. And he was more established than me. He was like a couple years ahead of me. And somewhere along the line, he stopped doing stand-up. And he had a family and the whole deal. And one day, I don't know what happened, man. Some breakup and I don't know. I don't know what happened.

But he killed himself while he was on the phone, apparently, with his wife. And that fucked me up, man. That one one fucked me up that was hard to take because i'd been over their house and they had a party and i got to meet everybody and it was fun and it was harlan williams was there so i associated that party and being over the house like it's fun friendly time and just to think that that guy could go from that moment where we're drinking wine and everyone's laughing and you know it's having good times and good friends and then so dark that he wants to end it so dark so fucking funny too man such a good writer such a clever guy that this guy could be so haunted that the lows were too low that he was like, I can't do this.

I can't I can't cope with this frequency. And he just boom. I mean, Ari was almost there, you know, a few years ago, you know, and now it's I was talking to him about this the other day, how he's changed. So he has a billboard in front of his old apartment now of his own face. We're going to do a podcast about it. But Ari was, yeah, he was very, very down, very down. And a lot of it was like physical. A lot of it was career related.

He thinks a lot of it might have had to do with him taking Propecia. In some people, Propecia causes depression. Because Propecia, the way, if you read the literature on what it does, it inhibits dihydrotestosterone, which is DHT, which is, you know, just an essential part of being a human being. But that DHT is what causes your hair to fall out. And it affects people in different ways. Some people, it kills their boners. Me, killed my boners. And I didn't realize until I got off of it.

I ran out of it, and then all of a sudden my dick was hard as a rock. I was like, what is going on? Did it help with your hair, though? Yes. Yes, it keeps your hair. And as soon as I got off of it, and as soon as I got off Rogaine, too, when I decided to shake my head, I bailed on everything. Because I was losing the battle anyway.

And I was like, I am going to have to abandon this fucking dam and run from the river cuz like I can't hold it back anymore like this I've been on Rogaine for like fucking 22 years it'll keep your hair it holds on your hands onto your hair but it's you get off of that shit like fire through bushes baby like fire like if I grew my hair out now you'd be like oh my god dude you're bald as fuck like for three years I've been shaving my head you and I had the exact same hair loss when I met you hair out now, you'd be like, oh, my God, dude, you're bald as fuck. Like, for three years I've been shaving my head. You and I had the exact same hair loss when I met you. Because you both used the sprinkle stuff.

And the Propecia and the, what's the other stuff? Oh, I found this stuff that you get online that was this pump that was, it was like azelaic acid and retin-Aa and minoxidil and this company had the shit this was the shit this stuff kept your hair but for whatever reason it wasn't approved by the fda and so the fda came along and they shut them down but like i knew a bunch of dudes that were taking this stuff it had retin-a and it'd make hair red, like your scalp red if you sprayed too much of it in. But the effect was pretty dramatic. Like, it really kept all of your hair. And when that stuff went away, I took a hit.

When I got off the Propecia, I took a big hit. Like, you could see, like, if you watch, like, episodes of the UFC, you could see, like, where you start seeing hair, like, light through my hair. It's like, it's going, baby. And then finally I had to let it go. But I should have let it go a long time ago. I love having a shaved head. It feels so free. You could do it right now. I'm still holding on, Joe. I'll fucking

help you. I'll tell you what, I'll do a... Anyone send this to Rogaine. I will do a million dollars commercial. Well, let me... Why would they give you a million dollars? I'll keep my head for a million like you're holding him hostage. No, I'll do the opposite. I will time lapse, stop using Rogaine, and just watch my hair fall out. That's a great idea.

And then you say to all these young kids, hey, you want to keep your hair? Get on this shit right now. Yeah. Because I'm 42. I should arguably be bald as fuck right now. I've been holding on to this hair just with Rogaine my entire, since I was 22. I said this weekend, tell me if you agree with this and it's a little bit of a stretch of a thought men who lose their hair at a young age that you start losing your hair that is the first record the first signpost for mortality

in a person like you witness your mortality at a young age when you realize fuck I'm actually losing my hair you're like didn't see mortality to me. It seemed more like you couldn't control something. It's like going away from you and it's something that makes you look better. It was really confusing. For a lot of men, it's very confusing. It freaked me out bad. Just shave your head, though. That's the beautiful thing about it.

The solution of shaving your head is always there. And once you do it, you go, oh, yeah. What am I clinging to fucking hair for? I may shave it and then stay on Rogaine, though. I wish I shaved it when I was in my 20s instead of going through hair transplants, all that stupid shit. I should have just shaved it. I would definitely do that again. If I went back, I would definitely do that differently.

No, if they said that there was a pill that could grow a full 18-year-old head of hair for you. I don't want any more hair. I'm good. Yeah, like right now, who the fuck knows what else that pill's going to do to you. Yeah. Like if I just shaved my head, I'm very happy with it. Look, I could be born in Ethiopia. You know, I could have been an Eskimo.

Now, if there's anything wrong with Eskimos, all due respect. I don't even think you're supposed to say Eskimo. What a great analogy. I could have been born in Ethiopia. I could have been shit out in an igloo. I could have been born in Eskimo. Some gigantic, walrus vagina. I could have red hair.

No offense, Bill Burr. Yeah, no offense, Bill Burr. I could have had red hair. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of things that could have been way worse. You gotta deal with the hand you've been given. You ain't gonna to change it. And take that hand and fucking run with it, man. And sometimes the hand looks just devastating.

Sometimes you've got two fucking twos. And you're like, this is it. I've got a two and a three. Fuck. This is nothing. This hand's dog shit. And then you're going down the street to the guy who's a soap opera Fabio-looking motherfucker with the long hair. Like, this guy's got all the fucking cards.

This cunt, he's got a 52-deck card. I got two cards. It's amazing how you see that in people sometimes. You go, God, that guy's got fucking everything. And then you realize they got fucking nothing. Well, it's not true, though. You know, it's like the thing about human beings is, like, what are you? You're not just how you look.

The problem is with a lot of people, you gauge how you look based on how sexually desirable you are. That's the real issue with people. You see it with a lot of people as they get older. They start freaking out. And there's fucking photos of Mickey Rourke. Now, Mickey Rourke was at the UFC this weekend. It's like somebody talked to that guy. He's got fake hair and fake lips and his face.

Something's going on with his face. And it's like, God, give him a hug. He's got fake hair and fake lips and his face, something's going on with his face and it's like, God, give him a hug. You know, he's fucking Mickey Rourke. Does he know he's Mickey Rourke? Does he think it looks I mean, Mickey Rourke is amazing. I would love to drink with Mickey Rourke. No, you don't. Jesus Christ. It would be nothing about old boxing stories.

They're really good for the first fucking first hour. Dude, he's fighting fake boxing matches. You see, he's 62 years old. He fought some guy in a boxing match. It was a total dive. The guy never punched him in the face once. He hit the guy with a weak punch to the body, and the guy went down like someone stole his liver.

It was ridiculous. It was so dumb. It's so pathetic. This is the guy from Nine and a Half Weeks. This is the guy from Angel Heart. This is Mickey motherfucking Rourke. Yeah, but designer Is there anything about you that you don't like that you'd like to change? Well for once man you deal with all the perspective deal with the perspective of who you are in comparison to who you could have Been you be born Ethiopia with no feet. You're one of my nose is too wide at the top

Yeah, there's a part of my nose that gets kind of weird right here. If you just smooth that out it'll be good. You're not going to be good. You're going to start tweaking out about other things. There's people that get their shins broken and separated slowly with these devices

that make them inches taller. In China, it's a big deal. There's a lot of guys in China that they feel like they can't get a woman because they're below five feet tall.

And so they're slowly but surely stretching the fucking bones of their legs out my god they have these bolts that are attached to their bone and they crank it and they slowly separate they saw it and they slowly separate it so it grows a little bit and then they separate it more and it grows a little bit and they separate it more and the bone keeps filling in it's fucking madness the mechanics of your body are all out of whack because you got a seven foot long shinbone

Like the whole thing is madness People are crazy. I think health and well-being is good maintaining vitality is good But you gotta also have perspective perspective is big and sometimes people they just get mad because they don't look like Lorenzo Lamas in his prime they get mad because they're born. I don't you know fill in the blank I wish I was Filipino and I'm Thai. I wish it was black and I'm Asian Lorenzo Lamas in his prime. They get mad because they're born, you know, fill in the blank. I wish I was Filipino and I'm Thai. I wish I was black and I'm Asian. I wish I was Asian and I'm fucking Portuguese.

People have weird things in their head. They want to be something other than what they are. And right now that's unavailable. So you're losing resources in your 90-whatever-the-fuck-it-is-year ride on this globe. You have a 90 year ride Allegedly and also believe birth Christ sure we just die and don't you keep going and everybody else thinks you're dead But you're on another plane of existence which is possible. I totally believe that too exactly Of course you do. You two get together and write a book. It'll be awesome. It'll be fucking good. We're team white gold right? We're team white gold. Yeah, what does that mean? I saw some article about you.

Is that what you're talking about? No, I'm talking about the dress. Oh, no. I saw an article that made me think about you. It was about the white city, the monkey god. Oh, the place they just found. Yeah, and I saw it and I thought, I saw the thing and it looked like a shirt of yours. So I tweeted it.

That's crazy, man. thing and it looked like a shirt at yours so i tweeted it that's uh that's crazy man they found this hidden city in honduras that was legendary up until recently and they haven't even disclosed its origin but they brought back artifacts like this motherfucker's real like we found a hidden city in honduras from a long time ago where it's gone there's nothing but relics and shit they've i just think that's so fucking cool. It's so cool that they, they keep finding shit like that in the Amazon too. They have these like satellite images and they go,

wait, what is that? They go, look at the shape of this. This is symmetrical. And then they realize like, oh my God, that's a canal system.

Oh my God, this is a fake, this is a fucking city that got swallowed by the jungle. They have hills that they thought it was just a hill, and they realize it's a building. Like, there's some structure underneath this hill, and the dirt literally grew over it, and trees grew on the dirt. So there's this mound in the middle of nowhere,

and you walk up to it, and you're like, what's going on here? And archaeologists start digging, and they go, oh, this is a fucking building, man. Like, shit got swallowed up. It's insane. Well, there's a type of, I think it's called the Toltecs, that they don't even exactly know what they looked like. They don't know where they came from.

They had very African-looking faces, and they lived thousands and thousands of years ago down in Mexico and South America. They're like, okay, who the fuck are these people? They don't know. They have these giant heads. Have you ever seen those Toltec heads? No. Jamie, pull up an image of one of the Toltec heads. They find these enormous blocks of stone that are cut out to the shape of these African faces.

It's like Gratius heads. They're real weird, man. There's one over there, I think. Isn't there one over there? I don't know. What are you looking for? Nothing, nothing. I'm not looking for anything.

Hashtrays don't exist in the world of the Travel Channel. Jesus loves Tibet. Is that the head you're talking about? Because I was thinking of the other kind of heads. No, that's a Toltec head. Look at that. That's an African-looking face, man. You're talking about the Easter Island shit. That's a different

place. This is in Central America, man. They find these fucking things. They're talking about the Easter Island shit. That's a different place. This is in Central America, man. They find these fucking things. They're like 600 tons or something crazy. How big are those fuckers, Jamie? Google how big those heads are. I might have made up that weight. But look what they look like. They're fucking cool as shit. That looks like an

African. Yeah, the lips. Yeah, some of them are tossed over. Some of them are... Some of them are... Some of them are... They're all different sizes and shapes. Joe, so you never... I saw your tweet.

You just didn't even get into the whole dress thing that happened the other day. The white, gold, blue, black thing. I don't give a fuck about dresses. No, no, no. But do you understand what happened? Of course. I'm a grown man. Don't you think that's interesting?

We could both look at the same picture and see two different colors. Yeah, but why is that? Explain it. Here you go, Brian. Supposedly, it's the cones in people's eyes. Like, my eyes are more oval than circles. That's what the eye doctor used to always tell me, is, like, you have more oval of an eye. He's going under the tail for the travel channel.

Out of respect. But I guess how the shape of your cones is and how you get light into your eyes. But how come it looks different to different people? Like sometimes it looks different to the same person. Like you look at one image and it looks like white

and gold. Mine would look like white and gold and then like an hour later I look at it and be like, it's a completely different picture. And I would freak out. I'm like, where's the picture i was just looking at and then uh so i can switch back and forth where i know people that can't switch or people that only see blue and black white or gold there's no that's nothing compared to what phil plate made for slate um pull up uh phil plate slate it's like those slate magazine, hold on a second. Slate online. Color.

What would you say? Color confusion. What would you say? Color illusion. Optical illusion. Color optical illusion. That's what you say. Also, pull up the dress. Look at this.

Look at this one. This is way crazier. You see those blues and those greens? Right. It's the same color. The exact same color. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

When you look at it in Photoshop, you realize it's the exact same color. No, it's not. Yes, it is. When you look at it in Photoshop, you realize it's the exact same color. It's the green. Scroll back, Jamie. Scroll down. When you look at it, the green has the orange go through it, but the blue doesn't. The blue, the orange turns into purple, and that confuses your eyes. If you go up close, it's the exact same color. Hey, Jamie, do you have the picture of the dress, though?

I want to see what you guys actually see on the dress. But look at that image. You see how it is when you get it close up? Right. That green is across the board. I mean, how trippy is that, Bert? Bert can't deal. Look at him. He's freaking out. What's weird about the dress is that

people were saying it's blue and black, and I put it in the Photoshop. I mean, I spent like three hours on this. Me and Asa Akira were going back and forth like how we're going to start our own communion somewhere and don't trust blue and black people and stuff. But I took it. What do you see when you see that? Right now I see white and gold. I see white and gold.

Whoa. You guys are both retarded. No, I see white and gold. Do you have the dress picture? That shit's blue and black, son. That's not blue and black, Joe. That's white and gold. You got an issue with your brain.

Am I right, Jamie? Yeah. See the two sensible people in this room. See black and gold. You see blue and black? Yes. It's a blue and black dress. You're refusing to acknowledge that. Yeah. No. No, no, no. Jamie, you're completely missing the point here.

The actual dress is blue and black. I actually have it on my phone. This is what you're seeing right now. No. This is not what me and you are seeing. He's starting to stumble. He's getting very excited and emotional. That's not what me and Brian, that's not what I see. No, no, this is not what I see right now either.

But this is what they're seeing. This is, that was the actual dress that they have. You see blue and black right there, Joe. Well, it's a light blue. It's a very, very light blue. But there's no black. And the gold is like, the black is like a gold, for sure. No, no.

That does not look black. No, I see white and gold. I see white and gold right there. Well, it's not white, because if you look at the white beside it, the reason why you can make out the outline is because beside it is an absence of light, which we think of as white. No, no, Joe, but if you look at that you could you would say hey that's a white and gold dress but in a shadow or something like kind of a no no i would say it's a light blue

and a like almost like a brownish goldish okay yeah yes dark gold yeah so you're seeing white and gold you're not seeing no no i'm seeing light blue i'm seeing blue i'm seeing blue. I'm seeing blue, and I'm seeing this gold is like a dark gold, almost like a brown. A mustard. No. Kind of. It's darker than mustard. It's darker than mustard. So you are actually seeing what people are saying as the white and gold.

But it's not really white and gold. It's blue. It's definitely blue. Light sky blue and a brown. Yeah, it's like the blue is difficult to describe. But you're not seeing this. No. So you actually are seeing what me and Bert are seeing, and Jamie's seeing this.

Is that what you're seeing, Jamie? No. I don't see that. I know that that's what it is. This is a goofy argument because the contrast is very different. Like what you're looking at there, the contrast between that color and the white behind it is very different than when you're looking at there. This is a different image. And because it's a different image shot in a different light, you have a different perspective.

What I'm saying is, though, there's two different ways people are seeing it. You are seeing it, what they're saying is the white and gold side. Are you sure? A hundred percent. Because some people think it's white. No, I see both. I see white and gold right now. I don't see anything other than white and gold doesn't look white It doesn't look blue to you not at all not in the slightest now

Can we cut to the chase and why is it that I see this it's because of that how your eye is shaped in the cones And how your eyes precipitate colors and stuff like that you will can actually look at a rain colors. Yeah, I perceive receive here 40 but colors? Yeah. Perceive. Perceive. You're 40. But, uh... Love you, Brian. The immaculate ejaculation of the conversation. The way you precipitate. You precipitate on the cones. It's just how your eyes...

Pretty much the easy way is how your eyes take shadows and what your brain goes, alright, that shadow's purple or blue. But you can watch... If you look at this... I keep it on my phone, if you look at it once an hour, it will change throughout the day. Wow, I see white and gold. That shit's blue for life, son.

But here's the thing that makes it more important, Joe, is what else are me and you seeing different than that person? If I'm looking at a face, I'm seeing this face that's beautiful, and that person's seeing a guy. Some people are colorblind, man. That's a fact. Some people don't see a guy. You know, like. Yeah. Well, some people are colorblind, man. That's a fact.

Some people don't see certain colors. They just don't see them. I see. I thought you were talking about. Never mind. I was on the. I think socially I see things that other people don't see. Like I saw today.

I was jogging in the park next to our house. And these two girls. A cop pulls up in the middle of the park. Pulls these two girls that are sitting at a. The young ladies that are sitting at a park bench. Interrogates them. Goes through their purses, cuffs them. And I'm watching this. I'm jogging around the park, cuffs them, and starts to put them in the back of the car.

But as he cuffs them, they kind of have to put one in first and the other in next. And I saw that the two girls clearly in high school, I'm going to say 10th grade, 11th grade, that they weren't crying. And I didn't see that as how sad. I saw that as someone needs to step in and fix these girls because if they've gotten handcuffed and thrown in the back of the car and they're not crying, then there's something wrong with this picture. There's clearly something wrong. These girls need a life lesson to change them.

Because if you cuffed me in 10th grade, I probably would have started tearing up and freaking out. And they just cuffed him. And then this guy that was smoking a cigarette, walking his dog. And now I'm trying to, I got my head buds out. So I'm trying to hear what the cop's saying. And we're walking right by him. He said, how sad.

And I didn't see this how sad. I was like, no, these little girls have a problem. But that's so interesting the way you see social things you'll see differently too. And I don't know if it has to do with the way you're brought up or the things that have gone through your life, but the black and blue dress, you know. Here's an interesting way to show that we're all looking at the dress the wrong way. If you take the picture of the dress on your laptop,

go into your preferences and invert your screen. So what it does is it reverses the colors. It stays exactly the same if you see it white and gold. It's not supposed to stay the same, obviously. It's supposed to change to a different color. So, yeah, it's a trip. I made a video, if you look on my Instagram, where I show it where I reverse my colors on my computer

and it stays exactly the same. If you go to Instagram.com slash Red Band. That's fascinating. Yeah, Jamie, you can pull that out. It's pretty perception is a weird thing it's very weird what we we just guess that we're seeing the same thing exactly but there's some dudes that are into like really weird chicks you know and you go what is that guy saying my my my overall theory on this whole thing though is that time travel was created that day because that day started off the llamas, the black and white llama.

Do you remember that? There was a police chase in Arizona. I heard about that. And it was seriously, everybody was talking about it on Twitter. Every TV channel was on TV. And it was just a police chase of trying to capture a black and white llama. And they ended up capturing the

white llama or something like the black llama it was like a race thing check this out so here's here's a dress now what alright so that's uh that's not what I'm talking about but this is this shows that how it changes colors if it goes into a shadow what yeah what I what I post that is weird I do see that when you hold on back it goes into a shadow. What? Yeah, what I posted. Oh, that is weird. I do see that when you pull it back, it does... So it goes into a shadow, it changes color? Exactly, because your eyes are now going in, you know, it's...

The light, just the light changing makes it change colors? Yes. Yeah, I mean, okay, now I can finally see... Hold on, Jamie's a photographer. Jamie, explain this. Black doesn't absorb light. It reflects it. And this is a, it's like a yellow shitty lamp

And it's a shitty camera, and it's bouncing it off and as soon as you move away from it the exposure changes the autofocus changes Wait Brian you went out and bought a dress hold on let him explain this not so let him explain this There's a lot of things that play here and people are just ignoring facts I think there's a there's trolls also playing into this white and gold thing. What are you talking about, Jamie? There's no troll. Let him talk. I've been paying attention to it the whole time. For instance, the black and gold right there, watch it fading away.

Light is now on the shadow. It's not a shadow. By the way, I don't know why you're showing this video because I'm not even talking about this video. It has nothing to do with that. It's not even the same dress. Hold on, dude. He's explaining what this effect is. Let him talk. This is my opinion, I suppose I would say. What is happening here is I know this is a black and gold dress, or excuse me, black and blue dress.

And when I'm seeing it, I'm going to go ahead and say, yeah, I know that there's also light here affecting the way I'm seeing the black and blue dress. And it's making other people see gold. All right, this is the video I'm talking about. Let him explain. Let him explain. a black and blue dress, and it's making other people see gold, and they're just going to say, I see. Hold on. Let him explain. Let him explain. So why is that? I think it's a difference of people saying what they see and what they know they're seeing. And it's just like an optical illusion.

Remember, the two faces make a vase? I see two faces, but someone else can see a vase. And it's just like... You've never seen the blue and black, though, right? I can see both of them And I also don't think it matters. This is it. She's just like this is an optical illusion So here's what I'm talking about. Here's proof that that we're seeing it wrong Okay

Go to this video where I open it up in Photoshop and I invert the colors of the screen when you invert a color to The opposite it should change right It's that in your Instagram Go to his Instagram. It's on my Twitter. It's in your Instagram? I don't know. Go to his Instagram. It's on my Twitter. It's in your Twitter? Yeah.

It's fascinating, man. It's hard for me to believe that that's the same thing. It's weird. As it moves away? Well, what's confusing is that I understand when it moves away and absorbs light or reflects light. But what I'm confused at is that when I see that one picture, you see it differently. If we had changed sides, Jamie, and the lighting was different, would I see it the same way Joe sees it? No, because you're looking at an image.

So it's just our cones are shaped differently, so I pick up a different amount of light than you do. So what were you seeing when that thing started out? White and gold. What did you see? I saw that, too. I see white and gold. I saw white and gold, too. As it pulls away, do you still see white and gold? When it pulls away, I see blue and black.

Okay,, too. As it pulls away, do you still see white and gold? When it pulls away, I see blue and black. Okay, me too. And then, oddly enough, as it pulls closer, as they do that again, now I see what you're talking about when you go light blue and brown. Like now, or mustard. Now I see it. This is a way more radical change than the other one. The other one, that other image was like, I mean, I kind of see it. It's like a very light, like we've all taken pictures before with like weird lighting on a digital

camera and you're like this is weird this doesn't look like what it really looked like in real life because the colors are all off for whatever reason something's too bright like a flash is too strong before you play this let me explain something real quick so this is where i actually take this into photoshop and i use this thing called a color picker where it picks the color and it shows you what the color is so what i was clicking on which looked to me immediately gold or yellow it was doing brown dark brown almost black and then when i did it to the the what i thought was white it was doing it to a blue so then i decided to reverse invert all the screens of the colors and watch how the pictures change they stay exactly the same i don't disagree with what you're saying here,

but it's also a JPEG, and there's not all the data in there. It's a compressed file. It's not real-life color. But when you reverse colors, it will change color, right? Well, let's see. Let's see what happens. See? That looks the same to you? No, it's the same color is what I'm saying. It's white and gold.

What? Right now, that's kind of a gold and white right saying. It's white and gold. What? Right now, that's gold, kind of a golden white right now. No. I see you're seeing something completely different. I see totally blue and black. You do? You see right there, right there. Right here, I see.

Right there, frozen screen dress. Yes, that's white and gold to me. This is the difference. Wow. This is the problem. That's fucking weird. Technically, Joe, I think you know that it's black, so you're saying it's black. No, no. No, he's seeing completely different. No, I'm seeing, first of all, the really's black, so you're saying it's black. No, no.

No, he's saying completely different. No, I'm saying, first of all, the really important one, the really important one is blue. The blue is undeniable to me. That's what everyone says. The other one that we're calling black, to me, it's not gold. It's way darker than gold, but it's not black of, like, space. Right. You know, it's more like sort of like a dark, dark bronze looking sort of a thing. But it's not black of like space right you know it's more like sort of like a dark dark bronze looking sort

of a thing but it's not black war gold it's sort of disingenuous yes it's like a creepy yeah the only way it could be black is if it's black that's like super overexposed right but if you like look at it in a more blurry way like if you if you like that image of behind you here's what's interesting that image behind you on this different television look behind you over your left shoulder yeah that looks different than that oh yeah yeah that looks way more black the one behind you on a totally different television or different i see no more what i'm saying i see no black that's also a better tv that's got more billions of more colors than that tv probably has and again this is the 4K TV.

This is the one that has the most. It has more resolution. It might not have more colors available. Oh, really? Is that true? Wow. 4K has lines of resolution. Whatever it is, that one looks better. Yes. That looks way better than that one. I still see them. Both of them, I see white and gold right now. You see a completely different thing. Okay, let me ask you this. When you're looking at these two screens, does one of them look

clearer to you, more in focus? This one right here looks brighter and nicer. This one looks kind of more like duller. This looks like we're looking at the same dress through fog. Boy, this podcast sucks a fat one. People that are just listening.

No, no, no. I don't want to stop it. I don't want to stop it because it's interesting. Because what you're saying, I think, is important because you understand it from the point of view of someone who understands perspective and photography. I've seen this happen multiple times, the photos I've taken. I can change, through white balance, I can change the way a whole photo looks. Right. From green to purple. So you take a picture of Bernie Mac and Halle Berry together.

You can make them blend. You're like, I see blue and black. They've done that before. Can I go outside and smoke a cigarette? I can't deal with this. You're totally not getting the point, Jamie. Why are you getting the point? Because you're talking about contrast and brightness, how you can change and make things look.

What I'm saying is me and Joe are looking at the exact same picture, and it looks exactly different. Yeah, that's definitely a fact. That seems to be going on other than what you're talking about. I think we're dealing with two totally different issues. First of all, we're dealing with the change of color, which was pretty drastic to me. When I watched it go from white to gold to blue and black, I was like, wow, this is really weird. This is really weird. But then we're dealing with a frozen image, and in that frozen image. We see a different thing

We definitely see two different things. I think that blows me away a little bit. That's well that makes yellow cars all of a sudden Make sense now. I Was looking at a yellow car. I was like bitch. Do you know there's a lot of other colors? Why the fuck do you want a yellow Corvette? This is ridiculous. He's like, it's mustard. This is a silly color to me. Now, just to- This is like, oh, this one? Why not black? Black is like dope. My heart pressure, my blood pressure has gone up.

If you watch the llama video, it brings it down and it makes you still think that time travel was created that day. It's like, it started off with a black- I'm not going to let you watch the llama video. I haven't even seen the llama video. It's just a llama getting away from police. Is it as cool as the leopard fucking up those Indian gentlemen? It's not as cool as the leopard, gentlemen, because it's a llama video. It's just a llama getting away from police. Is it as cool as the leopard fucking up those Indian gentlemen? It's not as cool as the leopard, gentlemen, because it's a fucking llama.

It's hilarious. It's a black one and a white one, and there's people trying to trick, like, walking next to it, like, hey, how's it going? And then the llama's like, get the fuck away from me. But it's like police helicopters. It's like news. They're just trying not to kill it, right? Trying to make it captured. It's just silly.

I knew a dude who had llamas. Paul Barkley, the owner of the Comedy Connection in Boston, one of the original owners. He also owned this club called The Rack. He's a very successful club owner. A club called The Rack. Remember, Brian? We played at that place. It was the pool hall that was right next to the Faneuil Hall when we used to do the Comedy Connection down there.

Anyway, that dude owned llamas. He had a fucking giant spread out in the Cape, and he had fucking llamas on his lawn and shit. Yeah, you want the alpacas. The alpacas are what you want. And then you want one llama to be dominant. I got exotic animals grazing on my fucking yard, bitch. That's like the ultimate.

To have some crazy llamas in your front yard. Do you smell that? What does that smell? My fucking neighbor's llamas. No! You live on a farm? My fucking neighbor's llamas. No! You live in a farm? This guy's got llamas? You've been to Solvang, right? I have not been to Solvang.

Really? I've driven through it. I've not stopped. They have this llama farm where you can just hang out with a shitload of llamas. Dude, I entered. I did an entire TV show about the Leaping Llama Festival.

You want to know the best part of it? What? The crux of the competition is how much you can adorn your llama with gear. Like put stuff on it, cover its eyes, and how you can control it. And you've got to do a sketch. So this is in front of the whole 4-H for all the high schools around, all the parents, all the kids. And I have no, I'm not producing.

I'm just a host. And I go, so what's me and the llama skit? And they're like, Rocky III. I go, oh, it's my favorite Rocky. Clubber Land and Rocky. I go, I'm Rocky. And they're like, fuck yeah. You're going to come out.

The music will be playing. You get the llama. Llama's going to look just like Mr. T. So we get out. I get it to the llama. And it was a white llama They had to put it in blackface Part of the competition is it pushing on his face And I was supposed to go beat it up! That's hilarious. And they're like, it'll be fun.

And it's not even just a blackface sloth. It's a blackface sloth with gold chains. It had gold chains? Gold chains and gold knuckles. It was covered like Mr. T. The whole fucking thing. You have a picture of it? Berth, Berth, settle down.

I'm sorry. You're breaking glasses on the neighbor's wall. And I had to dance out, and they played just some fucking Eye of the Tiger, and I had to take punches at this fucking black-faced llama. And the llama's just standing there because it's a fucking llama. Oh, my God. And I'm, like, hitting it in the face. My friend Steve Rinella and his brother Matt use llamas when they hunt to carry out the meat.

What do they dress them as? They have trained llamas. You know how to dress them? They have these trained llamas. They take them in like a cargo van. They load them up in the back of the van, and they bring them to like Montana, and they pull them out of the van. And these things are hardy as fuck, and they can just carry shit.

And they don't give a fuck. They don't get cold. They just stand out there in the snow, and they're like, whatever. It doesn't bother them at all. Their body temperature's way higher than ours. They're way sturdier than ours and they use them to pack out meat it's crazy he had a whole show about it he had a show about like these llamas going with them out and they're like getting an elk and packing it into the back of these fucking llamas and traveling out of the out of the woods with them it's just so weird like he

apparently he had a moose once and in carrying the moose back to his car, like over and over again in all these trips, he fucked his back up. So he literally couldn't hunt anymore because he couldn't carry anything out because he'd hurt his back so bad. So he trained all these moose, or he trained all these what are they called again?

Meese? No, the things we were just talking about. Llamas. Llamas. Trained all these llamas to carry out the meat farm. I thought you were talking about the plural of moose. No, it's we were just talking about. Llamas. Llamas. Trained all these llamas to carry out the meat farm. I thought you were talking about the plural of moose. No, it's just that the word llama, I don't use that often. It's not on the tip of my tongue. Alpaca was there for some reason. I was like, that's not it.

It's a llama. But so these fucking things are pissing inside this van. They're like disgusting. In the back of this cargo van. And then, you know, they pulled them out and they slept in the van. They'll spit at you. Oh, yeah. Just, dude. They're like disgusting. In the back of this cargo van. And then, you know, they pulled them out and they slept in the van. They'll spit at you. Oh, yeah. Just cunts.

You know Big Cat Derek, right? That guy in Texas that has all the animals. He has a llama. And if you look at his videos on Instagram, Big Cat Derek, he let his llama in his house the other day. I don't know why he does this. I think he just does it to film it. But the llama's just like breaking shit, going through his cupboards

and throwing things. It's just like hilarious. He's a great guy. That's a fucking rude animal, man. That animal's rude. But they don't give a fuck, dude. They have these things in the mountains in Montana. It's just snowing like crazy. You see these llamas just standing

there like Thought they don't give a fuck and it makes you realize like we're so vulnerable When it comes to the environment that we kind of like think of all Animals as even though we know that other animals are more hardy than us We don't understand like how could they survive this environment boy? How did we? Well, we figured out a way no, I but I mean, how did the first couple generations? It took a while, I'm sure. We could only live in places where you can live without any worry of, like, heating yourself. Like, that was the big issue.

Like, everything started out in the rainforest, right? That's what they think. It all started out in Africa. And if it all started out in Africa, Africa is warm as fuck, okay? The last thing you have to worry about is clothes. The last thing you have to worry about is abundance of life. The first thing you have to worry about is clothes. The last thing you have to worry about is abundance of life. The first thing you have to worry about is not becoming food. That's number one.

So it's all about getting to the high trees and figuring out weapons. And it starts out, you're a bunch of super horny monkeys who fuck like crazy because you have to reproduce as much as you can. And everybody fucks everybody so that nobody gets greedy as far as like, oh, these are my fucking kids. Your kids can suck my dick. And everybody's like raising everybody because you're just trying to keep away from jaguars and fucking leopards and shit and whatever the hell else is trying to eat you so that's what we were forever until we slowly but surely figured out weapons and figured out weapons and shelter as soon as we could think we could fucking hold up

build something nothing get in there Okay, how do you want to deal with these motherfuckers, dude? I've been thinking you know like you pull a stick and it kind of like goes back to the original shape if I tie a Fucking string on that bench and then have some shit with like a long pointy thing. That's sharp in the end I think it can fly I think I'm gonna shoot it right at these fucking crazy bear that are eating our babies And we're gonna figure out how to dominate these woods and The next thing you know they started killing things and they started using fire

They figured out how to knock rocks together to create sparks and the embers They would blow on it like dried moss and shit that they had saved for this occasion They get that little amber crackling and they stack wood upon it and that keeps the animals away from them The animals can't believe they can control the fire These motherfuckers have fire in their hands, and they slowly figured out how to stockpile food. They slowly figured out how to make walls So do you think do you think? Community like I think like at times that like 9-11 community comes tighter because there's fear the fears out there Do you think when people were getting eaten and they were a community? do you think community was tighter or do you think there were people that

talk shit behind people's backs they think that gossipy shit like really like gossipy type like the way people do it today and the way people like especially into celebrity gossip there's one theory that i that found really fascinating was that they think that it has something to do with a lack of community like someone was about, they were talking about communities bonding together against an enemy, like which is what cities used to be. Like cities used to bond together. They used to have to worry about someone from outside coming into their midst. But now people don't do that anymore because they don't really know their neighbors.

So they're not bonded with all the people that they live next to. The people that they live next to are almost inconvenient. Instead of it being like the best people in the world, like they're all like everyone's surrounded together. No, you're just next to Mr. Johnson. He's kind of an asshole and his dog shits on your yard. There's always some weirdness involved. But if there were lions roaming through this community, we'd all be a lot tighter. Yeah, yeah, if you had to.

If you had to, you'd all be a lot tighter. That's a great idea for a community service project. Just release a lion, one lion. No, because it's always going to be somebody who doesn't realize that a lion can fucking kill you. And they'll be really mad if you kill the lion. Yeah. And there's people that, like they they really do choose animals over people and animals welfare over people and like what we were saying before about people working

hard to keep the tigers alive like i get it i believe me i get it i'm completely joking i don't want tigers to go extinct but if i lived in india i would be like fucking rambo, okay? I would make an Iron Man suit and I'd get every fucking weapon if tigers ain't my family dude. I would Gatling guns I would just be wandering through the tall grasses gunning down those cunty cats Imagine if it ate your mom in front of you tiger ate your fucking mother and dragged her off to the top of a tree Like what what what is this world yeah we're just you're trying to save these things fucking metal helmet on like iron man and shit all fucking bolted down just just a giant carbon fiber and metal outfit with machine guns with like a million rounds of ammo. A backpack filled with ammo. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Yeah. Dude, fuck tigers. I was 10 feet from a lion about a month ago. 10 feet from a lion in the wild. Just watch it. Every little movement of an animal is so heightened when it can kill you. It just looks at you. You on one of those safari trucks?

Safari, yeah. Open air. Why are they open like that? It's real. It's real. And it's scary. Look, I'd love to be in a van, but it's real because you see the wildebeest running next to you and you're running right next to them. And then you see the lion, you see the hippo, you see the giraffe, you see everything out there.

You don't see gorillas. That's the wrong place. But like, the lion was 10 feet from us. I mean't see gorillas. That's not, that's the wrong place. But like, uh, the lion was ten feet from us. I mean, uh, from me to that wall right there, and you, I just looked at it, and it looks at you, just like a cat just looks at you, flaps its tail, flaps its tail, kind of stares and looks

off, and you're just waiting for it to make that one move, like, huh? And then go, it's all fucking over. But it was, it was, Safari is well worth it. It's amazing. I tamed lions for an episode of Hurt Burt one time. You tamed them? I tamed them, yeah.

What did you have to do? Go into a room cage with, like, four, I guess, theoretically unruly lions. But four lions, and they call them out. And they gave me, yeah. Two? Yeah. They gave me, me like a fanny pack full of sirloin

and a plunger stick with a nail on it and they're like this is called your meat stick don't lose it don't drop it they'll respect you as long as you have your meat stick put meat on the meat stick and the lions will respond to the meat fuck dude Jesus Christ man

the smell of fear coming off you must have been like a, like a New Jersey fucking trash dump. It must have been just, whoa, this guy's terrified. Oh, it was fucking really scary. Do you think they could smell that?

Do you think they could smell that? Oh, dude. Oh, oh, oh. When you see that animal size you up, there's no doubt that is the king of the jungle.

There's, I'm being dead serious. He called out, it's a little bit of it. I'm not going to do the bitty part of it, what sounds like a bit. But it's very true. He calls him out. He said they all listened to the head of the pride.

So he calls him out, and he's like, Mufasa. And this lion just comes out. When you see a lion look at you, it's not like someone walking by you in prison. It's like he sizes you up. I mean, I looked at that thing, and his eyes are huge. His lungs, as he breathed, it felt like golf bags were being squeezed. I mean, you could hear these breaths. And it just runs up, and then it stands there, but it never takes its eye off you.

It's never like, man, what the fuck's going on? It's just staring at you, and it's sizing you up. He called out two more lions. The next one's name was Simba, and the last one's name was like Doug or Reggie. Like, it was fucking horrible. But he calls it over, and it just... The other one, last one was unruly.

It just went right up to me. Nose in my junk, but not... But powerful. You know when a dog does it, and everyone's like, oh, and they hold their... But it doesn't feel like he's in it. He put his nose in my junk and bent me over. Like, and I dropped the meat stick, and now I'm fumbling for my fucking meat. I'm like, it was intense as fuck.

Oh my God, dude. We did this thing called the Ring of Circle, or the Tunnel of Death, where they stand the lions up, four lions, and they hang over, And they roar at you as you walk through them. Oh, no. Roar, just roar. No. Just like you're fucking, now it's your first night in prison. You're welcome to Oz, motherfucker.

And it was roar. It was fucking insane. Dude, why? For a TV show. What the fuck? That no one saw. Was that the scariest thing that you ever had to do? No, no.

That wasn't the scariest? No, no. I've done, the scariest thing was getting mauled by the bull, probably because I really got hurt and I could have gotten killed. That's probably the scariest thing. How'd you get mauled by a bull? You've seen it. Pull up, type in Hurt Burt Rodeo Clown.

Oh, that's, did we play that before? I'm sure we have. I think we did. I'm sure we have. That was probably the scariest because I realized, oh fuck Oh fuck there is no there is no like insurance like Golden egg policy in this TV show they don't really give a fuck if I get hurt They don't care I broke my ribs broke my foot, and I was like and then I remember getting done They were like

We need more footage. This is just me getting bolt mold. This is perfect So this bowl this is a big fucking bull dude. Oh my god And you're stuck in a bullpen with this thing. Yeah, no, dude. Oh shit. Oh my god My foots broken. I'm trying to run on it, but it's broken. Oh my god, dude that bowl just full-on charged you Well, what would they have done if you got like gore to death? Nothing absolutely nothing. That's what I realized. That's what scared me the most about, like, reality-driven host reality shows.

It's because I was like, and they needed me. We had actually shot for about another hour of me in the barrel, and the bull hit in the barrel. Oh, my God. Because this is back when you had to make TV that was eight minutes. Like, you had to do an eight-minute segment or a five- minute segment, so they didn't feel like they had it in just this shot They what kind of fucking producers do you have man? That's ridiculous It's the same one that maybe I told the fight in a bear story on this isn't happening. This is not happening He's the same producer. Oh my god. That's crazy. Yeah, I was like reckless with you He made you wear makeup. I was uh, I yeah, that was probably the scariest thing I've done to date.

Having said that, obviously jumping out of a plane with Rachel Ray was terrifying. Being the first guy to jump off a stratosphere was pretty insane. A lot of these rope swings that I'm doing these days, I showed you the one in Durban, but we did one in Switzerland that was like fucking next level terrifying. Bulls are fucking horrifying when you're right next to them. Anything with big animals. I can't believe that thing hit you like that. Big animals, you can't tell them to like take it

at 50% so that we get the shot. What did that feel like when that thing fucking slammed into you? Helpless. It's like, you ever been in a car accident and you went, whoa, fuck, I forgot I'm this fragile. Helpless. When it hit me, I remember it instantly knocking the air out of me.

But there was this fight or flight survival instinct where I was, I mean, my foot was broken and my ribs were broken. And automatically I just get up like, I remember the first words I said were, how do I get out of here? But it's not like, there's no TV in my head. I'm just like, how the fuck do I get out of here? And they told me the number one thing they said, do not go to the walls of the ring because if he pins you in between there, he won't let go and that'll kill you. And I went, but I didn't, I didn't think I just went right to the fucking wall to get out of there.

Cause I was like, I'm in the middle of the fucking pen. It's going to come back for me. It's going to stop me. Jesus Christ. And they had no fucking plan to keep you safe. They had no plan. I mean, no plan. Plan to keep you safe. They had no plan. I mean no plan

And I think I think FX canceled that knowing fuck we really dodged a bullet this kid could have been killed Wow, but uh Do you have trust issues now? I'm hard especially no I know that sounds like a joke I have hardcore trust issues with reality shows you should I very like I and I have everyone that works on trip flip and birth Conquer they all know that I'm like, I feel like you may fuck with my safety to get the shot. And here's the other problem. Sometimes when I say this, and I know maybe you've listened to this and you've been a part of this, but there are guys that know me if they see me on and we're shooting and they recognize this podcast.

You know my honesty. The problem sometimes is you go into a place where you go like, we're going to go redneck mudden. And we got a guy, we got a truck, we're going to interview him on TV like uh we're gonna go redneck mudden and uh and we got a guy we got a truck we're gonna interview him on tv and then we're gonna get his truck and he's gonna take us for a ride well sometimes it's not always you know across the board that you can't drink in those trucks and a lot of times the guys are drinking and the other thing that is kind of fucked up is is i don't want to paint it off that all these red mud things are, but often they don't really care.

Right. And the other thing is, is that for TV, that one guy who has been drinking whose name's like Bubba, he wants to, you got to show the Hollywood boy what we do down here in Alabama. And I'm not saying Alabama's the place that we did this. I understand what you're saying. We got to show this Hollywood boy how to, hey, Ricky, Bobby, Bubba, take it to the next level.

Oh, shit. And you get guys where they say to you stuff like, you're going to get fucked up tonight, Hollywood. And you're like, and you just, it's this weird thing. You do these fucking sky jumps and these jumps. And they're like, so the guy was telling me, I did one in Switzerland. He goes, make sure to lift your feet. You might hit the rock. And I went, hold on.

I go, I need to know if I'm going to hit the fucking rock. Jesus Christ. But he's fucking with you because you're making a TV show and they think they're helping making better TV shows and and so that happens a lot of times as you go to these fucking tracks or these these like you know like we were in a top fuel dragster 150 130 miles an hour in three seconds and uh and I had a panic I had a full panic attack like because they put you in a flame retardant suit five point harness they harness your hands to the suit so you can't move your hands so now so you're basically in handcuffs and like a straitjacket they put a

helmet on you and a neck brace on the helmet around you so and they tighten the helmet up and you cannot move it's for your safety but i started panicking and i was like very clear i was like hey guys i don't need you to try to break the world's record. Like 130 miles an hour in three seconds is going to look pretty fast. And you just want to make sure that they don't want to make the – think they're making the show better by putting you in danger. Yeah. Well, that sounds really fucking dangerous.

There's a lot of things, but it's all – I mean, you know, everything with Triplip that we've ever done has always been gauged in safety. But that's because I'm an executive producer, and I'm, fuck, everyone knows I'm a pussy. But isn't it fascinating, dude, that you have these, like, really contradictory feelings? Like, you're terrified of shit. Yeah. But your job, like a big part of your job, entails you putting yourself in tremendous danger for no reason whatsoever.

Yeah. I think about that all the time. I wonder what the fuck's wrong with me. I think you're trying to exercise it out of your system or something. Well, here's the thing. It's like I went scuba diving at 80 feet to go see a wreck. I had a panic attack halfway through. I had to swim back up.

Oh, Lord. In a moment of panic, in a real honest panic, it's beautiful because life's never been more defined in what you want and what you don't want. And I fucking was like, I want nothing at the bottom of this ocean. All the shit I dig is up top. Because life's never been more defined in what you want and what you don't want. And I fucking was like, I want nothing at the bottom of this ocean. All the shit I dig is up top. But, and I had a hard time. I ended up doing it and seeing the rack at 80 feet. My brain the whole time was like, I could totally fuck with you right now.

And then I got done and I was fucking celebrating it. I mean, it's finding new boundaries in your spirit or your soul or your DNA and getting to the next level. And I'm a little addicted to it. So risky to get in that water. You have no idea. So risky. You're space traveling. Everybody wants to go to space. You know what's up there? Rocks.

How about you go in the ocean? They have fucking sharks and clams and crabs and eels and weird fucking things that have fishing rods growing out of their heads. And they're tricking fish and opening their mouth up like some cartoon monster and sucking the fish in. It's like space with monsters. That world's way crazier. Space is stupid. Space is just...

We've been waiting every night. No flying saucers. It's just infinity. Going to that ocean? That's fucking the wildest world out there, man. That's so true. If they said there were monsters like just 20,000 feet in the atmosphere...

There were killer whales in the clouds. Do you know how fucking popular SeaWorld would be? If there was killer whales in the clouds. You could just go up in a plane, your own plane, and fight animals. Like, that would be fucking amazing. Could you imagine if you had to go to space to see, like, condors, and you'd get up there and you'd see them.

That's that fucking bird. And they wanted to eat you. They only exist in space. You'd have to go see them in space. You would appreciate them way more You'd appreciate birds in space way more than birds down here. It's down here a bullshit I give a fuck you see a duck pulling the car over for duck you only care if they're fucking But if you had ducks in space, they would be the craziest things ever If you were on the moon, they were ducks you'd like get the fuck

If you were on the moon there were ducks you'd be like get the fuck out of here there's ducks on the goddamn moon Dude there's ducks at the park we can go feed them they wait for people to throw bread at them who gives a fuck if they're in space It's like something in space makes it way cooler if you found some naked retard on the moon you'd be like There's a guy on the moon He's a naked retard though. He's the guy's an asshole. You're like, oh, it's from fucking space. Yeah, he's up there. Welcome to the moon quiz. He's jerking off at the camera.

He'd be like, we found intelligent life. Are you sure? You got a guy who's beating off on the moon camera. We'd be so excited. We found the moon. He lives on a fucking moon. He's trying to communicate. We're trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because all the years of loneliness and madness alone beating off on the moon he didn't understand how inappropriate it was in our culture we cannot expect him the crazy man on the

moon to have our our ethics and our the way we look at the world that guy would be so meanwhile it's just there's a million of those guys in insane asylums all across the country. We don't appreciate them. You're in that room. You've got a cage. Not that big a deal. But if that guy is jerking off in the nurse's face on the moon. It was just him and the nurse on the moon.

And you see him and he's holding her down, jerking off in her face. Like, what the fuck is going on on the moon? Insane asylum on the moon insane asylum on the moon it sounds like a movie should be should be Rob Zama's next film why did you dream so much about Joe he doesn't dream because you said you said two separate occasions. Why don't you ask me shit when I'm not around? And then tell me. A distorted version. Is your old cat still alive, Joe?

Yeah. I think this might be the week. It's day by day. I'm like, you know, I'm going to let you live one more day. You know, it's just getting too bad. She's getting too old. My girl's doing all right. She can't see good anymore.

She's 19 now.. My girl's doing all right. She can't see good anymore. Right. She's 19 now. Eek. Yeah. And so she can still hop up on the couch. Does she fall, though? Like, my cat's falling a lot now. Yeah, she falls. We used to have her food, like, it was, like, on this little counter area.

She would jump up to it. But now she slips a couple times, and it's sad. Sad to watch her slip. When is it the point where you're, like, all right, in pain? pain how do you know we're not in pain i don't know she might be but when i feel like she's miserable you know i don't want her to just slowly die if you could put her to sleep it's probably more humane i was i've been like looking at her and she sleeps about 99 of her life now and when she is yours? About the same age. About 17, something like that.

That's sad. But when she is awake, she's puking. She can barely pee in the litter box anymore. She's just going right outside of it or something like that. And it's just like, is she in pain right now? They get dementia. They literally have kitty cat Alzheimer's. They meow in the middle of the night.

They'll howl. Yeah, that's really bad now. Yeah, my cat, she picks up my daughter's shoes. My daughter has like these Uggs, these soft shoes. She picks them up and carries them in her mouth. And while she's carrying them in her mouth, she's going, meow, meow. This weird howl. She thinks it's a kitten? I don't know what. She's never them in her mouth. She's going, moo, moo. This weird howl. She thinks it's a kitten?

I don't know what. She never had kittens. Maybe she's going mad because she never had babies. Now, here's a question for you. When this happens, do you, I've never had to deal with this. It's dark. I didn't even think of that. Do you have to go, should you go to the vet, have her put to sleep,

or do you think it's cooler to just go to a nice field and just let just let her just be like look you know Brian no no Brian why would you say that because it's a she's gonna starve to death well I feel like it's like I'm getting my like it's either going hey I'm ready to give to you you're gonna go on the electric chair like you're gonna go on an electric chair or we're leaving a lesson door open no Brian there's no prison door. They give them a shot. They give them a shot, and they're dead within moments. They don't electrocute them.

They give the cat a shot, and they're dead within moments. Or they do an IV, and they're dead within moments. And here's what you do. Schedule an appointment to put her down tomorrow. She'll start acting 100% as soon as you schedule that appointment. Anytime you have to put out an animal It's the day you go all right here. It goes. They're totally perked like hey. No. I feel good Well, she's probably my cat is probably a little healthier than yours because she still gets around and you know she sleeps a lot

But she comes over to me. She wants to get pet, but she sounds like she's like yeah her voice She's not happy. It's like a squawk, you know, she's fucking 19 years old, man. For cats. That's a long ass time. I can't live with me on the other side of the world.

Is there like some stupid law that you have to hold your cat when they put you, put it to sleep? No, you don't know. You just hand it to him. Oh, you do. Okay,

cool. Yeah. That's called love of having a heart. No, I don't want to, you can't just like hand it in a box and be like, I'm done with it. Yeah. Well, you're going to want, trust a heart no i don't want to you can't just like hand it in a box but i'm done with it yeah well you're gonna want trust me you're gonna want to be there can you pay extra for that you can pay extra for them to come to your house and do it

i was there for a puppy that had distemper uh we got it from this guy um i can't got it from callan i think it was callan's friend and um it had distemper and it started having seizures. It was awful. It was awful. And the seizures kept coming more and more frequent and this dog would just lock up in agony. And the doctor was like, you know, there's really no hope at this stage. And I'm like, oh, I can't believe this. Like the moment we got him, he's really cute too.

And it was hard, man, because the doctor was crying. Oh my God. Yeah. We held the, we, you know, held onto the puppy. He gives the puppy the shot and it just kind of goes stiff.

I was there through the whole thing. It goes stiff. Yeah. It just, I mean, it just went limp rather, you know, just anything.

And, um, yeah, it's hard to watch, man. And the, um, the guy who was like,

I've talked about him before. His name is Dr. Craig. He was cool. Like a really cool guy. He died, got killed by a drunk watch, man. And the guy who's like, I've talked about him before. His name is Dr. Craig. He was cool, like a really cool guy. He died, got killed by a drunk driver, man. Somebody slammed into him one day. I got an email or something about it. It might have been an actual physical mail because it was quite a while ago.

And I was so bummed out. That guy cared about animals so much. He had been around so many animals that he had put to sleep. But when that puppy died and I was crying, he started crying too, man. He's a doctor, you know? He's like, it's the hardest part

of my job because I love being able to save him, but he had like fucking 15 dogs. Like, the guy loved animals. Yeah. He had a bunch of cats,

a bunch of dogs, you know? He was just a sweetheart of a guy, man. Sad shit. Good night, everybody. Take it easy. It's the end of the podcast. Yeah, we've been fighting that with Pris, or my dog, my whole mastiff.

How old is your dog? Two. She's had five knee surgeries. Oh, my God. Five. Now we're getting the big one, the knee replacement. Oh, my God. Oh, jeez. Yeah. What's wrong with her big one, the knee replacement. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah. What's wrong with her? Why is she? Purebred. Purebred. It's overbred, interbreeding. Oh, no. And she had, she tore an ACL, and then she tore the other ACL.

I had a dog like that. She had both her ACLs replaced. She's had both her ACLs done twice, and she's had her knees, kneecaps put back in place because she had degenerative kneecaps. And now, and the one leg, her right leg just never really healed. So we went in and we went to therapy and they're like, look, there's no cartilage in there. The only thing that's possible is a knee replacement. Or we cut the leg off.

Or we just leave it and she drags it. And I was just in the place where I was like, I was like, I've already paid so much fucking money for this dog. Get the fucking new knee. Wow. How old's your dog? Two. Two. And you're getting a knee replacement.

Do they think there's any light on the horizon? It's like an 80% chance that it's going to be fine. I think they put that out of all the cases of knee replacements, but it's only been around for a couple years. So they're getting better at it, obviously. But just to be able to give this dog an opportunity to run and chase, play, and just play, other than sit on the couch and, like, you know, come up and get love.

I mean, it gets love all the time, but... Right. So... Yeah, I've seen those ones they're doing for people now. They showed there was an animated version of the operation online where they do a full knee replacement. It's fucking crazy.

You're watching and just going like, what? Like, this is crazy. They're sawing your knee off and putting this new piece. Yeah, cut it off. New piece of equipment that's like on a groove and socket sort of set up. And you're watching this whole thing that screws into place. And like, what the fuck, man? Yeah.

We're making bionic knees yeah but i guess for people that have it man it's a huge pain relief for people that like some people have degenerative diseases of their joints and it just gets to the point where there's nothing they can do about it they're just there's like rouse like you know sean rouse i did i just hit him up this week i want to i. He's so funny. He's hilarious. He is such a talented comedian. Very, very funny dude.

And he has a very extreme case of arthritis where he's, I guess it's called rheumatoid arthritis, but very extreme where his hands and his knees and like he's always in agony. And I know he's had some, I think he's had some. He just got new knees or something like that. I believe Russell Peters bought him for. Wow. That sounds like Russell. Russell's a good guy. He's buying knees. or something like that. I believe Russell Peters bought them for him. Wow, that sounds like Russell. Russell's a good guy. He's buying knees.

He's the best. I'll see if he'll buy my dog's knee. Well, Rouse is a really funny fucking comic, man. Really funny. He's really talented. He is a fucking beyond talented comic. Yeah, it's sad when you see shit like that and you just don't know what is it. I mean, can they fix it?

What's the solution? There's got to be a way. Oh, I and you just don't know what what is it i mean can they fix it what's the solution like there's got to be a way oh i think i don't know improve that that that's that's the beautiful thing about medical science is that they look at a situation like that and they slowly but surely chip away at all the different ways to fix the problem like every day they're coming up with all these new methods for dealing with things that were almost insurmountable just a little while ago. Like they got this doctor in Germany that's replacing people's discs now. Like I've heard of quite a few people going there. And I talked to a doctor about it and he explained to me that there's certain artificial discs that they've created in Germany that, you know, for people that have neck injuries or back injuries, a lot of times they get their discs fused. And what that means is they take

your two bones of your disc, they remove all the gel that separates them, they cut it all away, and they put the two bones together and they screw them into each other. So now you only have the degeneration of the disc above it and the disc below it you have one giant fat discs it doesn't move that well so you just can't go like all the way back it just fucks with your movement it fucks with your mobility for some people for some people it's a significant like release of pain yeah like and so then they came out with these spacers they had these spacers that they used in replacement of a disc I believe that that's what the the operation they did to Tito Ortiz,

and they explained it on the UFC. They showed, like the doctor came and showed this spacer, this plastic spacer. But what they figured out now in Germany is like this articulating, sort of moving joint almost, and they're putting it in people's necks. I know Braulio Estima got one of those. I don't know if it's the same thing, but he's a world-famous jiu-jitsu champion who had a significant neck injury, and he had his discs replaced with an artificial disc and talked about it and how much of a benefit it was to him.

So these guys are getting these discs where they were really fucked up before. And this one guy's a skier, and he was fucked up before. And he's had two or three discs replaced with these artificial discs, and now he's skiing again. He feels great. I'm like, that's crazy. They're putting robot discs in people. I have neck problems and shoulder problems. What's your issues?

I have no fucking clue. I have no idea. Oh, nothing. Just went 150 miles an hour to the side of a mountain in Vegas. I think that might have something to do with it. Fuck yeah. But it goes from my elbow to my... I told you about that.

I was worried I was going to deal with what Boss Rooten's dealing with. Yeah. But he gets it from MMA and I get it from my roller coasters. Well, he got it actually... Boss Rooten had a few neck problems from MMA and from jiu-jitsu and kickboxing, but the big one happened to him during stunt work. He was doing an episode of Sons of Anarchy, and he got dropped on his head, and it fucked his neck up.

That really fucked his neck up, and that's when he had to get his discs fused and all that jazz. Yeah. Yeah, so it wasn't even like MMA. It was like doing stunt work. Stunt work is hard fucking work, man. Those guys that ride those bulls all the time, those guys that, I mean, people that are rodeo clowns.

Like, there's some hard work out there. Oh, yeah, dude. It's all in the same kind of category, you know? There are a lot of men out there that are just fearless. I could never, I mean, I guess I do do it a little bit, but. Dude, I've seen stuntmen do ridiculous shit in movies. You watch, like, some of those making of movies and you see, like, car accidents These stuntmen have to do our motorcycle wrecks. They have to lay down bikes and like Jesus Christ All for some shitty move lay down bikes is the scary ones

You don't know what's gonna happen with it Like we've done we've done spin outs in cars where we've had cars come and hit us and spin us out But ultimately, you know, it's not gonna flip laying down a bike I saw one in Anchorman the other day Jack's bike black supposed to do it but the bike fucking caught and started flipping crazy i went dude i bet that was one fucking stuntman he lost his shit yeah if he didn't lose his shit he's a better man than i yeah i somebody died in a steven seagal movie i was making a steven seagal movie died some sort of a wreck. Can you imagine? He died for one of those straight DVD. The end ones.

Not like the early ones either. It's not like... Above the Law was badass. To this day, I still enjoy Above the Law. That comes on. It was a fun, stupid movie. Is that the one where he's the cook in the Navy? No, that's a different one.

That's a good one. A ship one. That was a good one that's a good one a few good ones a ship one that was a good one under siege under siege under siege two under siege two is pretty good yeah the ship one yeah my buddy uh mike star was on one of those with him he had to do a fight scene with steven seagal you know wear like this chest protector let steven seagal punch him in the chest. Kablam! Kablam! He said it sucked. You know, just a regular actor, too. He wasn't even a stunt guy.

But you're getting your chest lit up by some guy who's a big fucker who knows how to punch you. Steven Seagal was big? He's a big fucker. Really? Yeah, he's a big dude. He's probably like 6'4", 6'3", somewhere around there. Oh, wow. How tall? Take a guess. I was gonna say 5'10".

No. How tall is Steven Seagal? Serious. No shit. 6'4". Here's what I found on the web for how tall is Steven Seagal. Yeah, see? It's not automatically known.

His sister, Katie Seagal, wasn't married with children. Oh, really? That's his sister, the mom from Married with Children. What? That's his sister. Are you sure? 100 married with children. Oh, really? That's his sister, the mom from Married with Children. What? That's his sister. Are you sure? A hundred percent. No way.

Nailed it. Wow. Is that true, Jamie? I don't know. Why are you looking at Jamie? Just look at me. I look at you. Katie Segal's his sister.

Shut up, Jamie. Son of a bitch. Jamie, you're just a white dressdressed, gold-looking motherfucker today, aren't you? Are you going to stick to this, Bert Krosh? Yeah. I bet Jamie proves to be correct. Steven.

I'm on Bert's side. Steven Seagal. You believe it's the same person? Their son is Jason Seagal. What does it say? Gene Seagal Is that her name? White gold

That's her Not him She's just keeping Steven off there because she's embarrassed Hold on, bullshit It's spelled totally different No, Steven Seagal and Katie Seagal Are fucking brother-sister Go to Steven Seagal and Katie Seagal are fucking brother-sister. You're going to have to put her through some data, son.

Go to Steven Seagal's website. She's not proud of it the way fucking the girls in prayer are proud of it. Well, listen, Steven Seagal made up a bunch of shit about being a Navy SEAL. Why wouldn't he make up a bunch of shit about this? Didn't he? Didn't he do some, like, special ops work? I think he threw a little Brian Williams in there. Highly questionable.

Aikido, Hollywood, DirecTV. Legit as a martial artist. I'm reading it right here. Steven Seagal, younger brother to the less more famous Katie Seagal. Come on. Was that on fucking Bob's website? Fuck. What website are you watching?

It's Yee Oong Yun? Hold on. The guy's a legit martial artist. I'll give him that. Okay, look, maybe they're not brother and sister. You fucked up, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You know, you just ruined the story in my head.

How dare you? It was so much more interesting to me. No, they are not related, you fuck. It's not even spelled the same. This ruined it for me, though. Fuck you guys. I always had this interesting story of them growing up together. Sir, your view of reality is quite rigid.

Look. Steven Seagal is a fine gentleman and an excellent martial artist. Katie Seagal, a fine actor in her own right. You have besmirched their name. Besmirched? With your horrible, you were so committed to that rumor, too. You didn't even want to know the truth. I've been holding that in my head for fucking years and being like, isn't that fascinating?

That they both kind of took different angles in the business. They don't even look alike. All it would have taken was a simple Google search. You just weren't willing to do it. But you were willing to get on this podcast and argue to the fucking death. I believe in faith. I believe in faith. You've got to have faith.

I heard that from George Michaels. And Fred Durst. Baby. All right. That's it. Podcast over. Good night, everybody. Bert Kreischer. Follow him on Twitter. Brian Redband. R-E-D Baby! All right, that's it. Podcast over. Good night, everybody.

Bert Kreischer, follow him on Twitter. Brian Redband, R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. Be back later this week. See ya. I don't know. I don't know if I'm here. Still going through...