The Joe Rogan Experience - #622 - Adam Carolla

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

Adam Carolla is a comedian, radio personality, television host and actor. Check out his new movie "Road Hard" at roadhardmovie.com http://podcasts.joerogan.net/

Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Carolla's here! Dude, you do too much shit. I do too much shit, but you do too much shit compared to the shit that I do. You just did a fucking movie? How do you have time to do a movie? You do 85 podcasts, you do a TV show on Spike, you got a family, growing a beard, drive cars. The beard's the easiest part, but keep going. Beards and pubes.

You do stand-up comedy. You do live podcasts. What the fuck, dude? Well, you know, a couple things. You know, I started to realize, like, after I had my twins, that what I did was radio, podcasting, but I felt like it was all just floating up into the ether, you know. And I thought, I want some sort of permanent record, like some sort of legacy. You know, books, movies, the stuff that gets passed around.

You know, what I'm saying is, over Christmas time, me and my eight-year-old twins, we watch planes, trains, and automobiles and love the shit out of it and that movie's like 30 years old now great i mean it's great fucking movie but you want to feel old it's like how long's john can you been dead like six years no 15 years or 20 years like but the point is is that thing and john hughes too so too. So we weren't listening to Ass Crack and Back Sack in the morning from 1984. We were watching a movie from that era. And I just sort of had this feeling at a certain point, like, I like doing the podcast. I like doing radio and TV shows and stuff like that but doing a movie for some reason those

are the ones that get passed on versus the podcast and look i'm sure someone long after we'll be we're gone are going to be listening to our archives but not with their eight-year-olds right no definitely not with their eight-year-olds and they they might be listening to our archives, or our archives might all be lost out in the ether. That's possible, too. That's kind of what I felt like all I ever did was talk, and all it ever did was just float up and just go up into the atmosphere and blow away. That's interesting. Or maybe into Canada and cause some acid rain. So that was really your motivation, was just to leave a solid legacy?

It was just like, it was two things for me in movies. It was a whole bunch of people sort of saying, well, you can't do movies. You do radio. You're a radio guy. Or, you know, you can't do this. Just for me, not saying you can't, but not being taken seriously like you can go do this. And then the other thing is like I had an idea for a movie, which I don't have that often. But when I have an idea, I want to execute the idea.

Right. You're probably wired that way. Yeah. Yeah. Once I have, it's almost like, yeah, you get like a seed is growing. It starts poking out through the dirt and you're like, all right, we got to do something here. This is moving. Right.

So I made a movie called The Hammer like eight years ago. And I didn't make any more movies. And then I had this idea like two years ago. And I was like, let's do it. And The Hammer was about a boxer, right? Yeah, The Hammer was about a boxer. And this is more about Road Hard is more about just comedians and the road and getting old and how the road is getting old for a lot of these guys. Because I started seeing all these guys passing through my studio like you see them, too.

Right. And they're like going, hey, it's going to be down at Hilarity's in Addison, Texas. And that's one show. And then two Friday, two Saturday. And then he'd go like, yeah, I got to blow in a day early to do local radio. And you think to yourself, God, I used to watch that guy on In Living Color. Or I used to watch that guy on a sitcom or something. And now he's back on the road. And I know he ain't happy about it, but he's on the road. And I just kind of want to tell that story about taking a step backward in life.

So the story's about a guy who's a sitcom actor who has to do stand-up again to make a living. Got divorced, worked right up. It all became reality shows. You know, you remember that. Holding deals, development deals, free

money. They don't exist anymore, right? No, those deals, you know, those deals, I mean, they took all, you know, as soon as Roseanne and Seinfeld and Tim Allen and Ray Romano had success doing sitcoms, Hollywood was like, who's the next Ray Romano going to be? And so they started bringing guys in and throwing tons of cash at them just to spitball ideas and just whatever. And there was a lot of guys. And so the guys immediately got off the road because they're like, screw that.

I'm moving to Hollywood. Yeah. And some of them had some success. Some of them had some difficulties in marriage, rehab, things like that. The point is, is now they're all knocking on the door of 50, divorced, and ready to hit the road again. They don't want to hit the road, but how else are you going to make a living? It's all reality. It's all reality show.

Interesting. So this idea got in your head because of dealing with all these people that come into your studio. No. I mean, yes. just knowing the combination no i started seeing like you know that thought where the guy's explaining the club he's going to and you're like i know that club and then you start your next thought is that's kind of a that's kind of a shitty club

and then you think wait a minute this guy's kind name. Like, this guy's a little bit of a household name. Why is he playing that shitty club? And then you start feeling sort of bad for him, even though you shouldn't, because roofer, cop, fireman, all real jobs versus going to hilarities and getting paid for, you know, standing up on stage and holding a beer in your hand. But you're feeling bad for this guy because you know he doesn't really want to go there, and you know he has other friends. You know, I'd have Dave and Alan Greer say, I've got to go to Addison, Texas, and I know Jamie Foxx doesn't have to go to Addison, Texas.

Right. And at some point, he was probably telling Jamie Foxx, here's how comedy works, brother. Sit down. You know what I mean? So it was telling the story of stepping backwards. And for me, you know, I had to live it myself. myself. I lived that story in my, you know, about when in 2009, when I got fired from my radio job, there were no jobs. There was no, there was no radio jobs and there was no television jobs,

as far as I could tell. I mean, like the phone wasn't ringing and the only way and I had young twins and I just had to hit the road and I didn't have an act. All I had was Adam Carolla's coming to your town and that was good enough to sell a few tickets. And I was just coming to your town. And I just told the booker, you know, wherever, whenever, how many shows doesn't matter. I'm there wow and i spent a year being like humbled you know six years ago that's not that long ago no it's not that long ago and it was a lot of southwest flights and red roof ends and a lot of like i didn't know the road so i didn't know about will you get an opener so you don't have to do a full 90 minute set or whatever i was doing three 95 minute sets in a row by yourself just by myself you're doing three shows on friday like that kind of deal it's three shows on saturday when when i when i started

to really like started to crack is uh we did we our our gig was we're going to book a night at Cobb, Thursday night at Cobb's in San Francisco. It's a pretty good-sized club. It's a Thursday night. It's like, I don't know, 500 seats or something. So we said, Thursday night, we'll do a show in Cobb's. Then we'll go to Kirkland, Washington, and we'll do two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. I said, all right. So I get the call.

Oh, the first show is sold out. You want to add a second show? Oh, second show added, sold out. You want to add a third show? Now, I know that third show is going to be miserable, but I'm only going to San Francisco to try to get some money and bring it back. And the nicer the flight and the nicer the hotel, the less money that comes back.

And I used to say to someone, look, I'm just going to wake up Friday morning in San Francisco one way or the other. If I do one show, two shows, or three shows, at some point I'm going to wake up that next day and I'll just be in a hotel bed. Might as well have an extra whatever amount of grand in my pocket right so just go for it so i did it and then the same thing happened in kirkland washington three shows first

show second show third show they all sold out so they kept adding them and before you knew it i i was like disoriented like up on stage and i thought 90 minutes was the minimum amount i could do so i'd do like 95 100 minutes a show and i didn't know about the opener or the local guy or the anything so you never brought anybody with you at all no see that that's that that the problem with the road would when you do that it gets really lonely it gets weird well i always had mike august with me who was who was booking all the stuff and was you know it was fun to see him in the green room eating every time to see what he ate you know i just a remnants of what he ordered like oh is that the matzo mozzarella

sticks or the chicken fingers mike but i got them both he'd just be watching college football the whole time on on the sofa that's way too big for the room that it's in right and but we just went for it like that was it so i got this weird crash course on the road you know at age 43 or 44 and i was like wow man this is rough i mean it would have been cool at 27 yeah single and whatnot well it's also you didn't have an act. So you just had some ideas that you would just talk about on stage for 90 minutes? How did it go? It went surprisingly well. They're happy to see you.

They're happy to see me, but that's not going to last 95 minutes. You had some ideas. You must have had some stuff you were planning on talking about when you got up there. What I would do is I would, the first like hour or 45 minutes or something would just be, what can Adam complain about? And people just shout out shit from the audience and I would have to riff on

it, but it would be kind of a calorie burner because you'd have to, you know, come up with this material. And then my head would start swimming. Like, did I do this already? I couldn't remember if I did it in first. The guy yelled out kittens. Did he yell that in this show or is that the third show or the second show? Like start floating a little up there.

But eventually what I would do is, you know, I'd, I'd walk through Kirkland, Washington and I'd see, Oh, they have little flags that they use that go in a little receptacle. And when they, when you cross the street, even at a signal and a crosswalk, you hold a little flag up and then you go set it back down and the receptacle on the other side of the street, Kirkland, Washington. Well, they provide them for everybody. What? That you have to have a other side of the street. Everybody does that? Well, they provide them for everybody. What? You have to have a flag to cross the street?

You're not going to get penalized by it. It's just a courtesy that the town of Kirkland, Washington offers. What's the benefit of the flag? You not being run over? Well, they don't see you if you don't have a flag? You're more visible. Well, what the fuck joe rogan what the fuck is wrong with their eyesight up in corkland why how cloudy is it up there i'm saying however

visible visible joe rogan is he's at least 35 more visible with an orange flag over his head wow yeah how bizarre well prompted that i don know, but there's my first 15 minutes. Oh, yeah. I could see you going on for an hour about that. Yeah, so I would blow into every town and just look around with a buck slip and go like, flying over there. Okay, what's going on? And by the half of it was, oh, the Alaskan airline flight out here. You know, just anything, just anything. And then once I hit the stage, I could riff on it.

But after, you know, obviously after what started happening is then, you know, next week in Phoenix, I'd go, you guys got a nice town, but let me tell you about Kirkland, Washington. They got flags to cross, you know, and then I could do the same 10 minutes again right and that's the how the act was built during the the course of the experience on the road that there's a lot of guys who wind up doing that that uh are sitcom actors that wound up doing stand-up after they became a sitcom actor like Screech from Saved by the Bells particularly famous for it well yeah he just got a

name yeah yeah danny bonaduce would do an act like it's just like you don't have an act but you do have a currency the currencies we recognize your name on the marquee yeah uh so folks who weren't formerly stand-ups are now going to have to be stand-ups if and they want to eat. Yeah. Do you remember Skippy from Family Ties? Sure. He used to do that. Skippy from Family Ties, like when I was first starting out, he was hitting the road.

Skippy, though, I mean, to give the Skippy his due, he was doing it like when he was doing it. While the show was going on, he was doing it? Even before or after. I mean, somebody can research this, but I remember doing two things. I remember doing an open mic at the improv, the Melrose Improv, about, you know, 1985, maybe 1986, and Skippy was there. So, it wasn't like, oh, that show got canceled, and now he's trying his hand at stand-up. Like, he was banging away at it. And I also think the guy went up missing recently, and maybe dead.

Went out in, like, the wilderness and, like, killed himself. Someone's going to have to do some Skippy research. I think you might be confusing Skippy with the guy who killed the development deal that we were talking about earlier. Chicken. Do you know that story? No. You don't know what killed the development deal? No. Montreal, especially.

The Montreal Comedy Festival was this big event where all the industry would go there and it was really kind of an excuse to go drink. Been there. They would go and have a great time, but they would hand out these development deals and some of them were pretty big and a really big one was given to this guy that called himself chicken and chicken would it was a young cute guy and he would go

wacky on stage sort of jim carrey-esque and the less aware of the industry, like, you know those people that you talk to and they're just kind of like metal filings getting pulled towards the magnet. They don't necessarily have their own compass. They don't necessarily have their own opinion on things that they formulated. They might be young. They might be impressionable,

but they kind of go with, oh, he's amazing. He's so talented. He's so good no you should see his energy it's incredible and i've had about a million people and then you meet the guy or you see his act or your whatever and you're like what am i what am i missing this was that times a hundred this was that this was like every comic i mean every comic was like what the fuck like you'll get comics that'll defend the most undefendable, you know, what you mean?

There's a lot of comics that, you know, love all sorts of weird marginal acts. Sure. But this guy was off the charts, off the charts, bad, off the charts, bad, but got a giant development deal, like a half a million dollars. Right. And it just went south. He came to Hollywood, can't act, can't do anything, started bombing. They realized, like, what did we do? We gave a half million dollars to a crazy person.

And literally, that was the end of the development deal. It just stopped with this one guy. He wound up hanging himself in front of a school somewhere. That's the urban myth. Oh, really? I don't know if urban legend, rather. I'm not sure if that's actually exactly what happened. I know he killed himself.

Somebody's going to have to. Well, you know, I was saying the other day, you know, I think second only to cops in suicide, comedians might be number two in the suicide department. I'd like to see the rest of the list. How many comics do you know? I know Richard Jenney. Who else? Oh, there's been, well, I was just thinking of, who the hell was I just thinking of? Robin Williams, of course.

Robin Williams, yeah. I'm trying to think of what other profession. There's not as that many, there's a lot more cops than there are comedians. I mean, at least people you've heard of. There's probably a bunch of people that never made it that did it. But now I've got to find out what happened to Skippy. Yeah. Jamie will Google that that skippy from

family ties we'll see what happened yeah so i had to go out and like just tough it out and it was like it sucked you know it was humbling you know it was it was it was a was interesting it was tiring it was a little depressing but it it was mostly scary and humbling. Well, if you've got kids, it's a tricky situation. You've got to go to work. You've got to get something done. Yeah. Especially when you left your radio show, when your radio show got canceled,

did you have any sort of a severance package or a cushion? Yeah, the good news is I had until the end of the year. So I had like nine and a half months to get paid, but the clock was ticking and the phone wasn't ringing. And so I was like, I got to get out there. And then at a certain point, I just decided I need to take this guy and tweak him a little bit and make him, make him into a movie. And so we did the crowdfunding thing and raised the money that way and blah blah blah turned out the movies really good actually I'm trying I thought I did I get it to you or not yeah I just have an intense

watch it I'm gonna watch this weekend though I'm going to Dallas oh watch it road yeah you're gonna you're gonna like it yeah you recognize a lot of people in it I've managed to stifle that sort of boredom on the road. One of the things I do is I always bring my friends. I bring really funny guys that open for me. And two, I mix it up a lot with the UFC. Like I travel, like this weekend, I'm doing the Majestic Theater on Friday night in Dallas. And then Saturday night, there's a big UFC event.

So for me, it mixes things up. I miss my family. I miss my home. But I like all the people that I work with. I love working for the UFC. I love doing stand-up. So the road is not bad for me. And I only do it for like a couple days.

I know guys who go out for like 20, 30 days in a row. And you just come back and you're a shell. You know, you have to fucking drink orange juice for a month just to get your fucking yeah i don't lights back yeah that's that's my whole thing is i would just go out for two days work really hard for like two days and then come back two three days i try to keep it to that with the family and podcasting and yeah all that stuff but um and yeah variety and mixing it up that's that the other key. So now half the time, now for me it's like seven-eighths of the time I'm just doing a live podcast. I brought you something. Are those yours?

Do you recognize those? Reading glasses? Do you recognize those? No, I don't. You sure? Yes. I think you left those bitches at my house in like 2009. I think Lisa Loeb left these at your house in 2009.

They might not be yours. I might be confused. Sure? I'm pretty sure, yeah. They work for me. It's weird. I started using them. They might be yours, dude.

They don't work aesthetically for you. No, they don't work aesthetically. But they do because I like things like fanny packs. I like shit that doesn't work aesthetically for you. No, they don't work aesthetically. But they do, because I like things like fanny packs. I like shit that doesn't work aesthetically. Oh, my God. I'm so glad. I'm looking to get that fanny pack going, man. Listen, I've been bringing it back. I sell them. I have one for you. Do we have

one for him? Go get him one. We have a real good one. Don't dangle that pack in front of me unless I'm taking it home. You're taking it home, sir. I've got one for you. It's leather. It's a nice roots fanny pack very sturdy construction i don't travel without it uh listen i just got back from the east coast and it was you know snow in new york snowing the whole time look at that oh i'm pumped yeah look at that and by the way this doesn't say, you know, a lot of fanny packs say not getting laid. Definitely checking out some comic books on a Saturday night.

This says may have a gun. And I like what this is projecting to the world a little better than the average fanny pack. Wow. I sold out of those three times. This is nice. If you go to higherprimate.com I sell those. It's got the Higher Primate logo on the pocket with the zipper in it, but that's

Roots. Wow, it's really nice. Well, Dice Clay had one. He came in, he's got the sweatpants, I got the and I was like, I'm so happy that you wear a fanny pack because I wear them all the time and people give me a hard time. If you're not trying to get laid, it's really the way to go. Because like convenience wise, like you go to the airport, I unstrap that sucker, I drop it in that bin, and I'm done.

I'm not fishing in my pockets for coins. I just made the proclamation because I just got back from the East Coast where there was a blizzard going on in New York. I said, it's so nice wearing a big jacket with the inside pockets and the flaps and the things. Like, finally, I can put my cell phone and my wallet somewhere because I'm so tired of the T-shirt and the jeans out here. Whether you're always sitting on your phone and whatnot. Like, I was happy just to be wearing the big parka that had all the pockets in it. But that wouldn't work around L.A. They'd think you're a homeless freak.

So now I'm going fanny pack. Yeah, thanks, buddy. I love it. I'm a big fan. It became one of those things that got mocked, and guys just abandoned it because they didn't want to look like losers. But I say, fuck that. No, but this...

Hold on a second. This is like a lot more holster than it is fanny pack. Yeah, it's nice, right? I wouldn't even classify this. I wouldn't call this a fanny pack. Well, Roots sells it.

Roots, the luggage company from Canada. They don't call it a fanny pack. They call it like a waste bag or something fucking stupid, which is, you know. Yeah, yeah. But there's a negative connotation to fanny pack. Not in my world. All right. Well, not with that bad boy.

I'm excited. So Dice Clay came in with one of those on, and I saw that. I'm like, that is a pretty goddamn sweet fanny pack. And he's like, yeah, I love these. I loved them. I'm wearing them all the time. Oh!

So I contacted Roots and had them make one with my logo on it i was thinking about dice the other day i was thinking who invented him smoking the cigarette from around the backs of the wrong side of his head and then how did that work and then who decided that was part of the comedy like it's just it's a weird thing to do like yeah it's like i i guess it's a weird thing to do. Like, it's like, I guess it's a way to, you know, stave off lung cancer. Because, like, I can barely, I can't quite. Or if I get too fat, I can't smoke because I can't get my hand around the back of my neck. There he is. He's like, oh.

Well, he got to a point, I think, where he was kind of mocking himself. Was that it? You know, that was a character. You know that, right? Yeah, no, I've talked to the guy quite a bit about it. No, he's really just an actor. Well, his name's Andrew Silverstein, and this Dice character was one of several characters that he did. He did in his act.

He used to do John Travolta. Right. He used to do Sylvester Stallone. Right. And he would do this Dice Man. And the Dice Man became easily the most popular part of his act, so then he kind of morphed into being him. And then, like, everywhere he goes would dress like the Dice Man.

Well, it's this weird trap. Larry the Cable Guy. It was a stand-up that wasn't getting any traction, just became this guy on the radio in Tampa or something. And next thing you know, the club would rather book Larry the Cable Guy. Than Dan Whitney. Than Dan Whitney. So they go with Larry the Cable Guy.

I started off doing Mr. Burcham, the shop teacher, out here. And at a certain point, when it came time to take over on Loveline, certain point when it came time to take over on loveline k-rock the mother station was like we'd like you to host loveline as mr bircham the woodshop teacher and i was like how's that gonna work and they were like well we know mr bircham is, but we're not sure if you're funny, which is a weird thing to say to the same guys doing both of them. But I said, if I do Mr. Burcham on Loveline, I'm going to blow my voice out. But I'm also, that's just not going to work. Why would you blow your voice out? What was the care?

How did it go? Mr. Burcham was a 60-whatever-year-old Vietnam veteran who taught woodworking. He taught remedial wood at Louis Pasteur Middle School in Monrovia. That's very specific. Yeah. And he hated his kids. He hated all his kids. And every Monday, he would call into Kevin and Bean because he got into another accident in the garage with the bandsaw or something.

And he wasn't going to be making it in. So you'd say, well, why is this guy calling Kevin and Bean to tell him he's not coming in to do his teacher's shop class that day. And what I'd figured out is that all of his kids who attended his class, because it was junior high, they all listened to K-Rock. So he would use K-Rock as like his own PA system to speak to his kids like it's 730 in the morning because they're all heading in. And, you know, he'd be like, and I'll listen, you know, I know you love all the smashing dumplings and nervosa and all that shit K-Rock plays. Quimby, Mr. Sopanzi's going to be taking over for me today. So here's the deal. You're all going to show up. We're going to put blood on the bandsaw on, and then you put your head down.

And nobody messes with my drill index. Nobody messes with my Makita posers. And then he'd get into his one student that he liked. Because all asshole shop teachers always overcompensate with the one kid. That's so true. And they're like, they're total dickheads to 26 kids

and super nice to one kid for some fucking reason. Like, super douchebag starlets are super, like, incredible with their dog, you know, and then super shitty with all the human beings around them. Right.

It all gets channeled into the one terrier or something. So he'd go, his one guy was Brad Higginstaller. He's like, Brad, been thinking about that kayak over the weekend. I don't want to go with a butt joint. I don't want to go with a dado. I don't want to go with a rabbit joint. Well, you know, let's go with a finger joint. Oh, no, want to go with a dado. I don't want to go with a rabbit joint. Um, let's, you know, let's go with a finger joint. Oh no, let's go with the dado. Put the dado set up on the contractor saw, you know, and I just go through all the super specific, whatever that I

knew from home building. And this guy became this like overnight sensation because they didn't know if Mr. Burcham was a real guy or not because he'd make a lot of jokes, but then he'd get super specific with shit, and nobody knew who he was. So then he got so popular, they wanted him to host Loveline, but I was like, I ended up doing that show for a decade. I couldn't do it as Mr. Burcham.

So when you came in and you did it as Adam Carolla, was it like, boy, I don't know, Adam, do you think you could do it as Mr. Burcham. So when you came in and you did it as Adam Carolla, like, was it like, boy, I don't know, Adam. Do you think you could do a little Mr. Burcham? Do you think we could do like half Mr. Burcham, half Adam? Yeah. No one can see you, Adam. Could you say Adam and Mr. Burcham? Could you go like Phil Hendry style? Do both voices back and forth?

So were you wearing a condom? Hey, what are you asking about his cock for? Yeah. I just said, look, this is not going to work big picture. Like, I could do one episode this way, but you don't want Mr. Burcham two hours a night every night. And plus, we were just starting syndication. So, we're only in one city that kind of knew Mr. Burcham,

and then the rest of the cities didn't know Mr. Burcham, so it wouldn't have made sense. You would have had to start from scratch again. I wouldn't have wanted to, so we ended up in over 100 cities, so that's probably best. But yeah, that's how it all got started. When you started your podcast, I did it way, way back in the day, back when you were still sitting on that couch and you had the clip-on microphones. You went through all the different versions of how to set it up, sort of the way everybody kind of does. Like my friend Steve Rinella, he's got this great podcast now,

and he's doing it. He's the host of this show, Meat Eater. He's a professional hunter and an author, and they're doing a podcast now. It's an amazing podcast, but they have these headset microphones on. So they got the earphones and the microphone on it, and every time someone moves, it's clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk. Yeah, right, right. It's fucking maddening, and I'm like, you can't have the headset mic. You got to have a mic that just sits there, condenser mic.

Yeah. The more people touch it, the more it's going to suck for if you have earbuds on. I've got to take my earbuds out. I'm like, I'm going to go crazy. Yeah. God, I remember a million years ago when I was doing Bill Simmons' podcast from his garage, he was set up, but like only set up with one microphone or that's all they could do so i had to call into the show but i was there so i literally got his phone like his home phone

and dialed in and then stood out in the driveway you know so he didn't hear me in the room that's hilarious well i couldn't call in through the room because he'd hear me through the mic. What the fuck? It bleed through the mic. And then the gardener started coming around with the leaf blower. And it's like, I'm calling into a, you know, no podcast. Yeah, no, he didn't understand what a podcast was. No one did back then.

It was like standing out in his driveway talking on his, not even his cordless, you know, his home phone. Right. Just the cordless one. That's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, everyone, get some decent equipment, please. What year did you start?

I started in 09. 09. I started beginning, I started in February 09. Yeah. That's when this started, too. This started in 09, too. But I started after you. I think I started in February, 09. Yeah, that's when this started, too. This started in 09, too. But I started after you. I think I started you.

And first, when I started it, I was doing it on Ustream. Brian and I were just sitting in front of just the laptop, just fucking around. The idea wasn't to do a podcast. The idea was just to fuck around on Ustream. And then as we started doing it, it was like, wow, this is like. But doing yours, I was like, ooh, Adam's got like a whole garage. Like, look at this. He's got a cool setup.

And then Anthony Cumia from Opie and Anthony, he's got some crazy fucking setup in his basement. He was like the big inspiration because he had a green screen and a full studio with production cameras. Just a lot of money and a single guy and likes to drink so he's like fuck this let's just build a studio in the basement so he built like a full which now he uses because when he got fired from opie and anthony he just set up and went online with it and now he has his full online thing with the green screen behind him he shows images and videos and all kinds of crazy shit i just uh i just did but I just called into a show last week, but I just did Opie's show.

I was just in New York going, fucking running in a circle. Jesus Christ, man. You had that lawsuit. I don't know how much you want to talk about this, if at all, but you had that lawsuit with the dude that you started out with. Yeah. That all got settled. Yeah.

That's all done now. Yeah. It was a year full of lawsuits. the dude that you started out with. Yeah. That all got settled. Yep. That's all done now. Yep. It was a year full of lawsuits. Had the, had that, had the patent troll. The patent troll. Thing. That was, Jesus Christ. Did that wind up costing you money?

The patent troll thing? I know we raised some money for that, but how did that work out? Um, the, the bill was over 500 grand. Yeah. What the fuck? Oh my God. Explain what the lawsuit was about. People want to pull their fucking hair out in traffic. This is so crazy that someone could actually pull you into court for this.

Well, not only pull you into court, but pull you into their court in you know eastern texas yeah where nobody has a podcast yeah nobody even knows what it is it's just a nice place to do business for these guys for those guys because they have creepy laws well they have judges they have relationships and you know first off when you just step back and you look at the entire picture, who, who are the judges? Judges aren't, you know, ex-firemen, ex-podcasters, you know, they're not carpenters, they're lawyers. The judges were lawyers, and then the congressmen were judges and lawyers, and the senators were judges and lawyers. There's a little

good old boys club going on. And it's going on in Washington, D.C., and it's going on in all the places that the tentacles reach out to. And they're not there to upset their own apple cart, you know what I mean? Like, in terms of reform and rules and righting a wrong and all that kind of stuff,

how much you want to piss off the guy you're going to the country club with. You'll see him at the country club on Saturday. You know what it is? It's like divorce attorneys. Divorce attorneys, you think, oh, it's your side and his side and they're battling and he said and she said not the attorneys they love it they're both they're basically the relationship it's like it's like saying you know the guy's walking through the park with the stick and the nail in the end of it, picking up garbage, picking up trash. That guy must really hate litterers.

And it's like, no, he doesn't. That's how he has a job. The attorneys are the ones that all end up just, at the end, I mean, I've not been divorced, but I've certainly heard enough. And I talked to Dr. Drew, who's not been divorced, but he's heard enough. And it's like, at the end, the people that win are both sides' attorneys. They just keep going until everything's cleaned out. And they do it on purpose.

They drag things out. It's symbiotic. They have the pilot fish and the shark or whatever. You know, you think, oh, this guy, this attorney hates this other attorney. No, he doesn't. That's how he gets rich. Well, not only that, if you're a person who's getting divorced, understand this, if you're going to go through mediation or whatever, even if you get along well with your ex-wife and you guys are both like look

we love each other but this is not working out let's just break up the attorneys will try to get your wife to ask for some really unreasonable shit so that you can settle on some reasonable shit and so you're going to get angry at her unreasonable shit like no you can't have my fucking collection of you know Whatever you know like I know I know like sugar Shane Mosley had to give up his fucking championship belt Understand that he lost his fucking championship belt to a girl that he used to have naked hugs with you know They used to get together and they used to touch each other make each other feel good So the judge decided well You know what you need to give up that belt that you got punched in the head for to this woman that used to touch each other make each other feel good so the judge decided well you know what you need to give up that belt that you got punched in the head for to this woman that

used to touch you i would have gone like jake lamotta before he went to the pawn shop i would have picked out everything out of that belt just handed her a fanny pack with a shiny thing on the front of it thing to a tree and shot holes in it until it was worthless. Well, yeah. You know how all this shit starts? I think all this shit starts like this. You know, you say, look, let's just focus on the kids. Let's focus on what's fair. Mommy and Daddy shouldn't be arguing. Let's not give all the money to the attorneys.

We're both reasonable people. And then at some point, your ex-wife has some cunty friend who's been through a divorce, says, you should just talk to my guy. Just talk to my guy. And then your ex-wife says, you know what? I talked to Joe or I talked to Adam. We're just going to handle this and try to be reasonable about it. And she'll go, you don't understand.

You could be burned. You're going to need to be. Just it. And she'll go, you don't understand. You could be burned. You're going to need to be just meet with him. I'm just saying, just meet with him. Just, just meet with the guy. That's all I'm saying. Just talk to the guy. Next thing you know, she's sitting in an office in Century City. This guy, of course, just sees a big old slab of bacon coming his way. And he's like, oh, listen, he says this and he says that, but what about 10 years from now? He could agree to do this, but if he just agrees to it and you guys just have a handshake,

he'd pull the plug the next day on child support, blah, blah, blah, alimony, blah, blah, blah, and you worked real hard. And the next thing you know, she's got an attorney. Now it's time to lawyer up. And now it's time for these two to see how much fucking money they can make before you guys go separate ways phil hartman before his wife shot him and then killed herself

was going through this and uh we had a conversation about it where he had a really bad relationship with his wife real bad like she would insult him in public like they would be at a party and the one who shot him the one who shot him yeah well i did that math yeah i did the i did i did there was a little friction between the two bit of an issue there's some a little bit of an issue because she killed him in his sleep shot him in the head while he's sleeping he used to take cough syrup cough syrup and conk out because he was just so stressed out yeah and he had just apparently the the story was that he had finally told her that this is it so i'm gonna pull the trigger i'm getting out of here right and uh and she shot him when he was sleeping um but when he was talking about it i go i was the one who was trying to tell him to get divorced a long time ago like he had

gone through these breakups where he'd moved out and then moved back in. And, you know, they'd fight like cats and dogs and like, fuck this, I'm done. And, you know, a few people were saying, you know, you should try to work it out. And I was like, man, you got to get she's evil. Like this lady's crazy. You can't fix crazy. No, you can't fix crazy and you can't fix that broken actress thing. Do you know the type of person that desperately wants to be famous and then they're medicated so she was on zoloft and then on top of the zoloft

she's doing cocaine which literally makes you psychotic they want a settlement through zoloft the family want a settlement oh really yeah so zoloft apparently you know obviously i'm talking out of my ass i'm not a doctor i'm not not a scientist. But the word from people that have taken it is that if you take Zoloft and you mix it with some other chemicals, you can just lose your fucking marbles. And one of the big ones is cocaine. If you do Zoloft and cocaine together, you're just off the rails fucking crazy. And that's when she shot him and then wound up shooting herself. But when I was talking to him about it, I was like, man, just get out. Just give her half.

Just give her half. Fuck it, man. You're going to make more money. And he goes, but it's not half. He goes, it's a fucking third. He goes, the third goes to the lawyers. He goes, it's two thirds you give to them. You give a lawyer a third.

The wife gets it. It's a fucking third to the lawyers. And he was going crazy. But it's a fucking scam. Like, you could see his eyes were red, his face was sweaty. He was just thinking about all the years that this guy, I mean, he didn't make it. Like, really make it. I don't think he got on Saturday

Night Live until he was in his late 30s. Yeah, he was a graphic artist, I think. Yeah, he was on Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Pee-Wee's, you know, that TV show that he had. And he wrote Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. He was one of the writers of that. And that and yeah did some albums for like some rock bands and the well just to um not to not to you know pull the

conversation away from people that are dead or missing where's skippy by the way did you find him So the podcast community, especially with guys like Joe, got together and we stood up to these guys because they know how much litigation costs. The problem with the country we're living in is everybody has this thing where they go just set. just set you know like i've had people who bought a house for me 10 years ago and are like uh hey man there's a crack in the foundation and we need 25 grand and you're like no what are you talking about and then at some point some lawyer's gonna say to you it's a lot cheaper just to give him you know probably give him down to 17.5 just give him the money it's gonna be a lot cheaper just to give them, you know, probably get them down to $17,500. Just give them the money. It's going to be a lot easier than, and cheaper, by the way, than, and by the way, do you have the time to go downtown and sit in the,

it'll be so much easier just to pay that, move on. Right. And you'll go, but what the fuck? I don't even know what they're talking about. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, but it's going to be a lot easier and a lot cheaper. And so that's what businesses do, because businesses are businesses. They just want to make money.

They're not there to take a moral stand. They just want to get the hell out of there. Apple gave these pot, these same guys that sued you, gave them millions, right? I have something like that. Yeah, but I think they took them to court, and I think they won millions. Really? Yeah, but I think they took him to court, and I think they won millions. Really?

But either way, I was just like, look, it's not an option for me to cut you a check for $300,000, $500,000, whatever you're asking for. That's not an option. So the only option is to stay and fight. But the amount of money it costs to stay and fight is insane. $500,000. Over. More. Yes.

God damn it. But here's the deal. And this is where I think your listeners and my listeners and every podcaster's listeners should be proud. Sony and Apple and whoever they're going after, and they'll just go whoever, whenever, doesn't matter. Paramount, doesn't matter. They don't have a microphone. You know, they got millions in the bank,

and they got a big corporation, but they don't really have a microphone. We have a microphone. So I use my microphone and your microphone chris hardwick's microphone and we all started talking and they didn't like the talk really and they wanted to talk to stop and you know this specifically from talking to them yeah like what did they say stop stop talking shit really because you you they put some sort of a gag order? Like it was part of the agreement? Well, what they did is they said

what they found was, you know, and I've had this happen, but it's like, you know, it's this weird thing where it's like, hey man, what's with all the shit talking? And it's like, hey man, what's with all the suing? Like they were upset at you?

Yeah, yeah. Because you were talking shit while you... Have a little decorum. That's hilarious why we're trying to steal money from you. Hold still while we sue you. Explain... So I was like, I have a microphone. Explain what the lawsuit was about.

Because it doesn't seem... I don't know. Like people are like, well maybe there's some merit to this. Maybe there's some merit to this. I don't know. It was about something on the internet in a serialized form it was that it was unbelievably ridiculous i to this day i couldn't really explain it other than to say if you made a playlist somehow they had some sort of proprietary technology of a list or playlist and that's all i know that's amazing that's all I know. That's amazing. That's all I know.

It's amazing. We crowdfunded everything, and the whole community got together, and I wasn't out. We raised enough money to pay the lawyers, but the most precious commodity is time. That's the part you'll never get back. But don't you think you got a lot of good publicity for it? There was a lot of interest and probably generated a lot of interest towards your podcast.

Yeah, I mean, I imagine. You know, but I imagine if I got into a plane crash, I'd probably get some interest, too. But it's still not the kind of thing I'm going to cross my fingers for. Right. I mean, but it is the kind of thing where it's like, yeah, yeah, there's a side where, okay, you're getting out there, you're talking about it and all that, and that's fine. But it's just this sort of thing where, as an atheist with X amount of hours on the planet, reading emails from lawyers from eastern Texas. It's just not on my, you know, getting phone calls. You know, I'm shooting a show for Spike and the phone's ringing.

It's an update out of Texas. You know, it's like I'm trying to do this other thing. Did you have to physically go and sit in court in Texas? Well, that's what it was coming to. It didn't get to that point. Well, that's what it was coming to. It didn't get to that point. So you spent $500,000 plus before you even had to get to the actual court in Texas. If you get to the actual court, it's probably between 1-2 and 1-5.

What the fuck is wrong with this world? A lot. Where's that money going? Look. It's a conversation about a fucking serialized podcast. The first 50 grand went to try to get a change of venue because we're not in Lubbock or wherever the fuck it was in Texas. It was the first 50 grand just got trying to move it to where we are. That didn't go over very well.

Wow. So you get through that. Then you get sued by your ex-partner or your ex-friend or however that works, whatever designation you want to give them. How much do you hate the law right now? Are you an anarchist now? Are you going to go to the other side? Are you an anarchist now? Are you going to go to the other side?

No, but I've realized that I was thinking about it and I thought, you know, the amount of businesses, you know, let's just pick a time. 1952. The average business that was semi-successful or the average person that was semi-successful, how often do they get sued versus 2015? I don't think there's such a thing as being successful in business or as a personality and not having people coming after you. Now, I don't think you know how many... I'm sure Kanye West has 13 lawsuits going simultaneously along with Chris Brown and whoever else. I don't think... A lot of them don't make the light of day.

But I just think there's no such thing as being Pepsi or Coca-Cola or Beatrice or Nabisco. They probably have 47 to 147 lawsuits going all year, every year. So this is like underlying

almost economy of people suing to get these settlements. You you know the ufc is going through that right now oh what class action lawsuits several four of them at the same time x fighters well most of them fighters that weren't that successful like weren't weren't like championship caliber or you know got to a point in their career where they realized you know hey i'm not really ever going to get rich off of this, and then started suing and became a part of this class action lawsuit.

Four of them that are going on concurrently. Look, there's a bigger... You see, it's all trickled down in this sense. I've always said there was a time in this country when if you saw a guy driving a brand new Cadillac and the father and son were walking down the street and here comes Mr. Johnson in his big black Cadillac going up to the top of the hill,

there was a time when the father would look at the son and say, you study hard, you work hard, you get it done. And one day you can have big, shiny Cadillac and live up at the top of the hill. Now, smash cut to 2015. The son's looking at the dad going, where the fuck does he have that Cadillac? And we're driving a Isuzu Trooper. This is bullshit. Let's go throw a rock at that guy's Cadillac,

or let's go see what we can get for Mr. Johnson. See, there's a mentality of, you and I have the mentality of, and it's what this country was basically settled on, which is go get some for yourself. We have a larger and larger group looking around going, wait a minute, what are they doing and how how can i get some of what they got you know this whole country is but but there's a whole mentality i mean it's it's trickling down from the government it's it's not it's a sort of a

slow poisoning you know it's it's this sort of, you know, income inequality. Yeah, why does that guy need three? Joe Rogan's got a bunch of cars. You drive them all at the same time? You can't drive all those cars at the same time. You have a vacation house? You've got two houses? What? How many bathrooms in your house, Joe Rogan?

One, two, three, four. I used to have five. I got rid of one of them. Four. Four? How many assholes do you have? Well, I live with three other people, so.

You're calling your kids and wife an asshole? They have butts. What do you need all those bathrooms and cool cars for? You don't need all that. Yeah. So it should be equal. Spread it out. Well, that's what people that don't have anything think.

They think that everything should be socialism. Well, also, it's like none of your fucking business what I have or what I do. There's always going to be someone above me. There's always going to be people below me. And by the way, hey, Joe Rog rogan where are you going to be this weekend douse okay ask adam carolla where he's going to be this weekend portland and seattle not on my sofa right not with a beer in my hand not playing not throwing the ball with my kids in the backyard so you're trying to say that people don't have things in this world they don't work hard adam

carolla do you not understand that there's a built-in inequality in our system right now? It's because of capitalism, and capitalism is the real issue here. People that work and pay for things, by the way, that's capitalism, you fuck. People that, like, you go to the store and you buy food, that's capitalism. You work for a job, they pay you, that's also capitalism. Don't say capitalism doesn't work because it's not that's not the issue just because you're not successful it doesn't mean that capitalism is well they do this shit they go cronyism they go oh you don't think that guy who's

humping drywall on a construction site you don't say he's not working hard and i'm like yeah he's working hard everybody historically has worked hard but he's not working smart he's not doing what he's got to do to get the extra car that i have because i used to carry the drywall yeah i did now now i don't and by the way he doesn't have to do that he could do other things if you if you think that job is too hard you don't have to do it nobody's forcing you to do it and if you do do it temporarily and you don't enjoy the hard labor, find another way. There's other ways to do it. But this idea that somehow or another, everything's supposed to be equal is fucking unbelievably ridiculous because there's no equality. There's no equality in this world when it comes to, look, some people speak five

languages. You don't. If you don't speak five languages, you're not fucking equal to that guy. If that guy goes to France, he can communicate. There's no equality in that. It's not like, how come these French people don't just accept my language? It doesn't work like that. You have to work hard if you want to learn how to speak five fucking languages. The amount of effort you put in is directly proportionate to the reward you get out of it, or if you do it intelligently, at least. Right.

the reward you get out of it, or if you do it intelligently, at least. Right. But what the people would say, who we vehemently disagree with, is that guy on the construction site can't get to the next level and can't get off that construction site because his dad carried drywall, and he's poor, and he's a product of the system, and he's a product of the education around him, and he's a product of the system and he's a product of the education around him and he's a product of that environment which may not help it it's obviously much better you know dr drew's dad was a physician and it definitely helped dr drew become a physician

but my dad didn't do shit and i got more money than Dr. Drew. So what, what math shall we do here? Well, you, you know, people figure things out. There's a lot of people that figure things out in this world. They figure out a way and some people don't figure it out. And that's the same with playing games. Like there's some people that are really good at playing chess and why are are really good at playing chess Why are they really good at playing chess? Well, they study it and they figure it out and they get better at it and then other people fucking suck at it But they're also playing chess, but they're playing chess and they're not thinking ahead. They're not focusing. They're not concentrating

They might be distracted while they're playing that chess life when it comes to capitalism when it comes to me forget capitalism When it comes to trying to let's use that that phrase Get ahead the get it's a game It's a game and what you decide to do whether you decide to build houses Or you decide to make paintings or you decide to fix cars whatever the fuck you decide to do You're essentially playing a game the game is I will try to get really good at this and hopefully i'll get some money along the way and if you do not play the game and you decide i'm just going to stick to this whole digging thing and uh why don't i have a cadillac i'm not i'm fucking digging this

thing i'm i'm working all day but by the way what first off and and then the next thing they do is the next thing out of their mouth is you know know, money doesn't buy happiness, don't you? It's like, good, then shut the fuck up. Have fun in your Zuzu Trooper. Like, okay, then why are we saying, look, you have a family. You know, when I was poor, I fucked hot chicks. Did you really? Yeah.

Wow. Well, not supermodels. hot chicks. Did you really? Yeah. Wow. Well, not supermodels. You know, there were little refractory periods would go on sometimes months on end, but yeah, I drank beer.

I fucked. I ate out. I had fun. And you were poor. Yeah, I just had a different kind of fun. You didn't have children back then, too. No, it was like, our kind of fun was getting the back of a F-150 pickup, and going to baja and we're gonna buy some roadside fireworks and shoot them off throughout the back of the pickup truck and camp on the beach and surf naked and you know that start a bonfire and drink some mezcal tequila it didn't cost anything i like it

but it was still fun yeah i mean half the shit i did you know i was didn't cost anything we just had fun yeah money does not buy happiness it's absolutely true and there's a lot of people that only focus on money and they wind up being rich and miserable and that is a fact but that doesn't mean that you you can't get freedom from money that relieves pressure and that's where people are mistaken this idea that it's one or the other it's either or either you are enjoying your life as a poor person you're happy and wonderful and loving or you're a wealthy miser who fucking hates his life and lives in depression and drinks himself to death or takes pills to avoid reality that's not true either like you what what what

money does do the big thing that it did for for me, when I first got my first development, I got one of those development deals. I got a few of those back in the day. But I got one before the fucking water ran out. And all of a sudden, I didn't worry about my bills. All of a sudden, I had this huge feeling, like a physical feeling of like, do you ever work out with a weight vest? I like working out with weight vests. I have a weighted fanny pack.

That's good, too. It's my new thing. The thing about a weight vest is you take that sucker off and you feel so good. Yeah. And that's how I felt when I first got my first check. I was like, wow, now I know that I can pay my rent this month. Now I know that I could go to dinner and I can order what I want to order instead of order like the cheapest thing on the menu. Yeah, I always tell people it doesn't make you happy.

What it does is it stops you from worrying about shit that makes you unhappy. Yes. Like a parking ticket would ruin my week. it would ruin my week. I mean, I remember getting 60 bucks out of the ATM once and leaving it into the eight in the ATM and then coming back 10 minutes later and it was gone. And I was like devastated for the entire weekend because I was out to 60 bucks. Right. Right.

Little shit like that just fucks you up, you know, and there's always the, you know, when you're going out to eat and it's like, should you order a cocktail? Should you order a glass of wine? It's going to be eight bucks more. Like, don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. You already ordered an appetizer.

Don't get greedy. And it's the thinking, too, the resources that are required to constantly be thinking about your bills. Like, when I was a broke comedian, I remember just always wondering, like, how I was going to pay for this. This is coming up. This goddamn bill is going to be on the 15th and I don't have that money. I've got to figure out that money. Making phone calls and trying to get gigs and trying to figure out how to pay that bill.

All that goes away. But the whole point is you never looked around and went, who can do this for me? You just found a mirror and went, I've got to get after it a little harder. Yeah, who can do this for me? No, you just found a mirror and went, I got to get after it a little harder. Yeah. You can't think like that. That's a, that's a, that's a trap.

But don't you think when we're constantly hitting everyone over the head, I can't stand when I hear the politicians go, it's not a level playing field. I'd like to tell you it was a level playing field, but it's just not. Well, it's not. Neither is life. When you see a beautiful woman, when you see a beautiful woman, and then you see some woman with unfortunate genetics, what the fuck?

Did that beautiful woman, did she earn that? No. This is not even. It's not even. Some women are born with perfect bone structure, and that is just something you're going to have to deal with in this life. You know, I'm 5'8". What if I loved playing basketball? What if I wished I was seven I know

you know I've met giant basketball players I'm like fuck like this is not even this is not we're not born with the same chips or the same deck of cards we're just not how by the way could you ever and then how's the government gonna to figure that out? And yeah, you can make the school system as even as you can, and you can make the law as even as you can, but the chick who's 6'1", who looks like Heidi Klum, still going to have quite an advantage over Alex Borstein. Yeah, there's no way around that. But the Alex Borsteins, and she's a dear friend.

I don't even know who that is. Okay. She does, let's see, Living Color. Oh, she's community. Oh, not Living Color. The Fox, tell the Fox shows. Okay. Yeah, you'll know.

I get it. She does Lois on Family. Let's go with Blossom. Oh. The chick from Blossom who's on the Big Bang. Mayim Bialik. Yeah, there'll know. She does Lois on Family. Let's go with Blossom. The chick from Blossom who's on the Big Bang. Mayim Bialik. Yeah, there you go. Alex Moore seems better. But all right, all right.

How dare you? The point is, well, Alex, you should know who she is. You work in this business. I don't barely. The point is this. Because she doesn't look like Uma Thurman, she went to work hard developing a bunch of other skills other than looking good on a Saturday night and now makes a nice living. Right. That's fine. That's fine. It's the way it

should be. It's just, let's not convince that person that they can't do anything. Let's just say you won't be doing any runway or catalog work. But you can do a lot of voiceovers. What if the government comes along and figures out a way to turn everybody into Uma Thurman? And then people are like, you know, the government should be making you look like Uma Thurman.

Here you are. Here you are stuck with this normal body. And there's Heidi Klum running around out there. Why doesn't the government put resources to turn you into Uma Thurman and create jobs while they're at it? The second, by the way, everyone becomes Uma Thurman, Uma Thurman becomes a five. Guys would adjust immediately. Yeah, there would be something crazy.

It'd be really fun, first six months, and then she'd come down to a five. Well, don't you think that's going to happen anyway? I'm 100% convinced that we're going to be able to manipulate people's bodies to the point where within 100 years, we're going to be able to create whatever you want. You could look like the thing from Fantastic Four. They're going to be able to do things to your body. People are already doing weird body modifications, you know, putting like bolts in their heads and cutting the tips of their fucking noses off and weird shit just to look weird and

interesting, tattooing their face up. I think Bruce Jenner is talking about the tip. Mm-hmm. Wait. People are doing a lot of weird shit, right? No, listen. Look, if you can go from Wheaties box to just brand new box, we can do anything. Because there's no greater chasm between Wheaties box and freshly minted box.

An old woman. It's weird. She's becoming an old woman, too. No difference. Now, wait. What happened to Skippy now? Now we got to know. He was on some show recently. He's becoming an old woman, too. No difference. Now, wait. What happened to Skippy now? Now we gotta know. He was on some show recently. He's out there alive.

He's still doing stand-up. Boy, he looks like he drinks. Look at that face. Skipping TV for stand-up. I don't think that's exactly what's going on. Previously known as Skippy from Family Ties. When you say skipping TV, he's been skipping it for 20 years.

Making waves as a comic. Oh, this is like one of those weird, like, local newspapers and bullshits. So he was a contestant on Last Comic Standing in 2006. Alright, well at least he didn't go to the woods and kill himself. That's all I'm saying. He's out there hoofing it. So back to

my movie, Joe. Yeah, back to your movie. And the government creating jobs for you. Giving you a movie deal. Other people don't have a movie. Adam Carolla. Yeah, why do I get to make a movie? Yeah, why do you get to make a movie? Because I raise the money. No, no, no. Because you're white privileged.

Because you're cisgender, white privileged shit lord. I should have... Back when I was cleaning up garbage on the construction site. I should have played the white privilege card. You were still white privileged even back then. The other Mexicans that you were working with back then cleaning up garbage. Where are they now?

I'll tell you why they aren't where they are because they didn't have the white privilege. That's right. They weren't cisgender. At a certain point, I remember well, it was like 1985. I was picking up garbage on a construction site in Granada Hills, and a helicopter landed, and Donald Trump got out. Really? You, you're white.

That's amazing. Get in here right now. What do you think you're doing? And we jumped in the helicopter with retractable landing gear, by the way. That's how you really know you've arrived. And we flew right to Trump Tower, and he gave me an ascot. And from that day on, I didn't know about white privilege. Evidently, he'd been keeping tabs

on me the whole time. That's nice. And he was able to then give me the money to make Roadheart. You got in with the cronies. Yeah, that's what happens. White people, we all conspire together to keep white people rich. Meanwhile, nobody sues white people more than white people. Right? That's true. You're being sued by white people, I'm, nobody sues white people more than white people, right? That's true.

You're being sued by white people, I'm sure. I would say white people do the lion's share, the white lion's share of the suing. Yeah, it's a lot of white on white. It's a little more blue collar. We like to keep it a little more blue collar. We don't like to see our victims, mostly through email. Did you meet those people that were suing you? No. No? No.

No. No. They just got tired. But did you know their names? No. No. Wow. You know.

Man, they didn't like you talking shit about their corporation, their entity, their LLC. Imagine if you got some actual physical dudes, you could put their faces up on your website. You know, my thing was, you know, as soon as everybody, not just me, but the community sort of band together, I was like, as soon as they wanted me to stop, I realized it was sort of like punching a guy in the stomach and watching him wince. You know, like when you're sparring and go, oh, okay, I get it. He's getting punched there again. And so I doubled down. And at a certain point, they were like, you know, make it all go away, Mr. Wizard.

Wow. And that was it. make it all go away, Mr. Wizard. And that was it. But, um, it was, uh, you know, it's, it's, it's tough, you know, and, and I, I understand it's, it's, it's sort of like, it's a lot like going through a divorce without getting divorced. It's just a lot of, you know, why am I wasting all my time with this? You? I'll tell you what's going on sort of on a micro and macro level, I think, in this country. It's essentially being punished for being successful. I talk to my guys at work all the time and I go, don't ever be successful because you'll just get the shit kicked out of you. You really tell them that I do.

And I do. The reason joking, obviously. Well, then I go, I know there's no chance of that. But even if you get a wild hair up your ass. But I mean, you think about you think about the relationship. Even I'll talk to a lot of successful guys. Talk to successful guys like I. I'll give you I'll give you this okay uh i go

to the mexican lady barber 12 haircuts i don't give a shit and she has no idea who i am and we always chat when she's cutting my hair and you know i ask her like how you doing and i know she goes to her sister's house a lot she's like 55 60 old, but still like has sleepovers and stuff. And her and her other sister go there and they have card night. And shit like that. And whenever you find like, especially male or female,

but you start talking to that successful celebrity dude and you start talking to him about his sister or his sisters or his brother, start scratching around a little bit. Ask how that relationship's going. Find out about the time that they sucked you into this business deal,

never gave you your money back, and by the way, are pissed at you. Find about that time when your sister needed to borrow a little whatever or you paid for a kid's private school for like three years and then when you finally said i can't pay for it anymore she called you an asshole and stormed out of the room like just just in general see how those relationships are going you know i have a great relationship with my sister you get along great she doesn't you know really yeah shit she. Shit. She's cool. She must be doing her own shit.

She's always done her own shit. She's just not that type. She's just, uh, she's cool. She's just down to earth, normal. You don't have a brother? Nope. I guarantee if you had a brother. I'd beat his ass.

I bet he'd be fucked. He'd be coming after you. He'd be like, hey man, I got this idea for a frozen yogurt place. Or I'd love him and we'd be great friends, you know, if he got his shit together. It's all, you know, I have friends that have brothers and they have the worst relationship with their brothers. Like they fought when they were young and now they're adults. And one of them is successful and one of them is not. It's usually like.

Well, that's what I'm saying is the successful one. Ask the successful one how good the relationship is with the brother that's not successful. And see if it's not based on a lot of shit that the brother was asking from them from the point when they see the guy's name on the collar ID that they don't even want to pick up anymore. Because they know it's just going to be him asking for something. That's the weird uncomfortable thing about certain friendships when people want to drag you into business deals. But I just don't do any of that anymore. I did it all when I was

younger. I got into a lot of I'll loan you money situations. Right. You know how many people paid me back? Zero. Zero. Yeah, zero. Zero. No, I always say It's hilarious. It's like. Zero. Yeah, zero. Zero. No, I always say. It's hilarious. It's like giving someone money, except for when you give someone money, at least you fucking get thanked. This is, I gave you some 10 grand or 50 grand, and I never got thanked, but I never got my

money. Yeah. So it's like lose, lose. I'm out the money, and I didn't even get the thank you. At least when you give a bum five bucks, he goes, God bless you. Well, people feel like they're just one deal away. There's a friend that I have that I talk to every now and then, and I call him up, and I talked to him recently. And I called him up, and I was like, what's up, man?

How you doing? And I wanted it to be, hey, everything's good, you know, blah, blah, blah, just doing this and doing that. But immediately it was a fucking sales pitch for some new business that he wants to start. And if I get involved, we're going to make this amount of money and it can't go wrong because it's this and that. And, I mean, this guy is just ear-beating the fuck out of me for like five minutes on the phone. I go, dude, dude, dude, I'm not getting involved in anything. Well, you don't even have to get involved. Nope, I'm not doing it.

I go, listen, man, I'm fucking crazy busy. I'm not getting it. I. Well, you don't even have to get involved. Nope, I'm not doing it. I go, listen, man, I'm fucking crazy busy. I'm not getting it. I just wanted to call to say hi. I'm telling you, man, you barely, you don't even have to know about this. I go, I'll know. I'll know, and it'll fuck with my head, and I'll know that it's out there. But listen, you're going to be making money, free money. It's easy.

I'm going to do all the work. Dude, stop, stop. Okay, I got to go. I'll give you a perfect concrete example. Literally a concrete example. If you buy, and I did,

a warehouse in anywhere near your old neighborhood, your phone will start to ring. Like, uh, hey man, I got a catamaran boat, and I'm going through a pretty bad divorce right now. Want to buy it?

No. I just need to store it. Can I just put it in the parking lot for just a couple of days, or maybe in a couple weeks? I don't know. I'm staying over at the Oakwoods right now, and there's no place to park it. And then the phone will ring again.

It'll be another one of your friends. Listen, I got a new pickup truck, but the old one has got the Denver boot on it, and then the phone will ring again. It'll be another one of your friends. Listen, I got a new pickup truck, but the old one, it's got the Denver boot on it, so I can't really drive it, but I'm still making payments on it. Could I just, I could flat, I could flatbed it over to the warehouse, but I'm just looking for a place. I mean, I'm going to get the Denver boot off, and then I'm going to sell it back to the, I'm just looking for a place. I mean, I'm going to get the Denver boot off, and then I'm going to sell it back to the... Your warehouse will immediately fill up with everyone's shit.

Because you got the warehouse, and they don't. And the warehouse is sort of the concrete metaphor for you having the position, the name, and the checkbook. Right. So you try it, because that's what happened to me. How do you feel like that trickles down from the government? Like, how do you feel like that trickles down from the government? Don't you think that the government is just sort of responding to people that don't necessarily know how to become successful? And that's, like, this is the desire of the government?

Like, this idea that the government creates jobs. The government's creating jobs. Right. What does that mean? I don't know. No, no. What I'm saying is, I don't think that it trickles down, you know, directly from the government. What I'm saying is, first off, there's a mentality.

And the message should be, pick yourself up by your own fucking bootstraps. That's what this whole country's been about. Everybody has a story about a grandparent coming over here with three nickels in his pocket, working hard, and getting his shit together. So that should be the message, number one. Well, the playing field's not level, and there's wealth, income, you know. Fuck that. So first off is the message.

Get your shit together and work hard. You'll be fine. Doesn't matter what your ethnicity is. Doesn't matter what your religion is. Doesn't matter what your background is. Just put it together and work hard, and you're going to be working harder than Heidi Klum. But English wasn't her first language either. She figured it out along the way.

Now she's figured out how to make millions of dollars. But first off, the message from the government should be that. The second thing that's more direct that the government could do is, let's not make it so easy for everyone to sue anyone or take anything. I mean, I'll give you a for instance. If you have a house and you're renting it out and some guy moves in and just decides to stop paying his rent, it's good luck getting the money from him.

Good luck getting him out of your house. It takes a long time. Right. So the government could definitely help in that department. That's your parcel of land that you pay taxes on. This guy stopped paying you, but they're siding with him? Well, sometimes people just move into people's houses and change the locks and squat, and they say it's their house.

That's even worse. Right, and what the government is quietly saying is, Joe's got his own house. He used to have five toilets now he's got four he's got a couple of nice cars up there does he really need the i mean he's doing all right isn't he as long as he's paying taxes on that other house there's really nothing we're gonna is that what they're saying or is there are they saying look we're so fucking overwhelmed with all sorts of other shit we're just going to let the lawyers sort this out. And the lawyers, being the predatory cunts that they are, say, look, there's a lot of money to be made in keeping this conflict going.

Because that's what pays lawyers off, conflict. The more conflict they can somehow or another write down in books, the more they can make it easier to sort of manipulate clauses and sue people for things like a serialized podcast on the internet? Well, not only that, but all the stuff. I mean, think about just the, you just take your car. Every new car you buy has a bunch of warning stickers that are, you know, hot glued to the sun visor, bunch of buzzers and backup things and a bunch of, you know, deactivate the airbag buttons and a bunch.

How much does that add to the average price of a car? How much to the average flight is added to the ticket for just all the shit that all the insurance that the airline has to cover, or that the car manufacturer has to cover, or all the shit that's going to get people sued. Think about just how much cheaper everything would be if everyone wasn't completely lawyered up and completely trying to save themselves. And think about all the stupid conversations and all the paperwork

and how we've completely lost our humanity. You know, the warehouse that I do my podcast from, when I bought that warehouse, there was a guy in it and he sold flooring. And I bought it, but he had like nine, 10 months left on his lease. And I said to him, like, if you just bought a new warehouse and you're thinking, hey, I'd like to move, turns out my friends moved all their shit in, but I'd like to move some of my shit in

or make a studio or something like that. But a guy had a lease for like nine months. So I talked to the guy and the guy said, well, you know, I am thinking about, I am kind of looking for another place. I'm thinking about buying a place. And I said, well, as soon as you can find that place, tell me, because I'm anxious to get in here with my boys and get going and start building this place out. And about three months later, he's like, I found another place. And I said, fine, consider yourself out of your lease and have fun. And he said, I'll be out by the 30th. I said, absolutely.

And he said, I need you to sign this piece of paper. And I said, what piece of paper? And he said, the piece of paper that's releasing me from my lease. And I said, we don't need a piece of paper. I just looked you in the eye and told you, you can leave. And when you're ready to leave, you tell me. And that's my word. And he said, yeah, but sign the paper.

I said, what do we need a paper for? We're two adults. And I just told you, one adult to another, I can't wait to get in here. I'm not going to let you. It's not like you're going to leave and then I'm going to sue you for the next four months. I'm not that guy. I'm the one who told you you could leave now i shook your hand and you can leave and he said you need to sign this release and i said i'll tell you what i'm not going to sign a release so you can either take my word as a man or you can just stay here

for another four months but i'm not signing a release. Wow. And the guy said, fine. He just split. Whoa. What could have happened there legally? I'd like to get what legally could have happened is I could have been many of the douchebags I've dealt with and I could have taken over the warehouse and then went and sent this guy a letter

and said, hey man, you still have five months left on your lease, and it's $3,300 or whatever. That's $16,500. If we got to go to court, this is going to get expensive. You know what? I'll settle for $10,000. And his lawyer probably would have said, you didn't get him to sign a release?

What are you, an imbecile? You know what? Just give him the 10. It's going to be a lot cheaper than paying me and going to court. But what about, okay, to play devil's advocate or the argument against it, what about things like, you know the situation, I believe it was Chevrolet, had some ignition issues that they knew about where cars were cutting out, and it caused a bunch of deaths.

And a lot of people were aware of this issue but they knew that a recall would be incredibly expensive and they dragged their heels and they didn't do anything about it for a long time and now it's just a fucking complete disaster and they're getting sued like crazy like what about that kind of situation like it's kind of important to have lawyers. Well, I mean, obviously, the balance, it's like, do you have an army? Yes. Do you invade Canada? No. Do you have police?

Yes. Do they shoot every person darker than them walking down the sidewalk? No. Do you have lawyers? Yes. Do you have shitloads of lawyers that are suing everyone all the time no like so there's you know the balance there's reasons to sue yeah you know the uh ford pinto i had two of my best friends died about three miles from here in a Pinto station wagon that was in an accident and

burst into flames. Yeah. That's the classic story that we had all heard. Yeah. You actually knew people like that. Robert and Lenny from way back. Fuck. Going to CSUN. God damn. Carpooling together. Going to CSUN. God damn. Carpooling together. Crazy. Like, 18, just rear-ended. Two cars banged up next to him, like couldn't get out.

The whole car just went up. Fuck. Yep. It's crazy, right? You always wonder, like, what would have those guys gone on to? Yeah. What could they have done and it's also weird that even though they died when they were 18 they're still always my age whatever age i am yeah which is a weird thing it it it it was it it in and it's one of those, in that case, there needed to be lawyers.

And Ford knew about it. And Ford thought, you know, let Robert and Lenny die. It'll be cheaper than recalling, you know, 2.7 million units or whatever it was. Yeah. And outfitting them. Yeah, there's a balance, right? Yeah, there's a balance, right? And I agree with you that there's definitely the mentality of going after successful people. And, you know, but obviously there's some successful people that are cunts and there's some successful people that have gotten there by ripping people off or by using slave labor in third world countries and charging them pennies on the dollar for things that could have been done in America with a reasonable wage. There's a balance to all of it. And it's for people that are listening to

this, that are trying to form their own identity and carve their own path. The key is to not concentrate on other people and go, why them? The key is to look at your own self and go, what do I want to do and how do I get there? Right, because you could be Heidi Klum or Donald Trump, or you could be Robert and Lenny, who never saw their 19th birthday. I'm guessing you're somewhere in between. So if you're somewhere in between, you're just joined a huge pool called America,

and it's time to get to work. Get to work, bitches. Get to work and try to be happy along the way. Couldn't hurt. You're out of time, man. You only have like 90 minutes, right? You got to. Yeah.

I've got a crazy schedule. Roadhard.com. Hit the banner. I'm going to watch it this weekend. I've heard great things about it. I read a great review about it. Well, Joe, promise me this. If you see it, you like it and you things about it. I read a great review about it. Well, Joe, promise me this. If you see it, you like it, and you identify with it, next podcast, say how much you love it.

I will absolutely 100% do that. Thanks, brother. Adam Carolla, ladies and gentlemen. Triumphant victor over podcast-suing cunts of America. That's it. Thank you. Listen to the Adam Carolla podcast. There's about 1,000 of them, various subjects.

And you've been fucking one with Dennis Miller now you're doing on podcast one. He does too much. He makes me look like a lazy bitch. All right, ladies and gentlemen, Adam Carolla. Thanks, Joe. Thanks, Joe.