The Joe Rogan Experience - #624 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: March 10, 2015

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called "Your Mom's House" available on Spotify.

down. Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day. So, I got that book in the mail. You got it? I got that book. The Real Man.

Have you been getting better? I've been working on my real man skills. Tommy Bunz, this is Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen, a.k.a. Tommy Bunz from Your Mom's House podcast and many other things. But he introduced me to a great man, a man who wrote a book that every man should read. What is his name again? Julian Ray?

You nailed it. Julian Ray. Yes. And he wrote a book called The Real Man, which might be the worst book that anybody ever wrote. You know, it's epic on a lot of levels. Do you know what I was thinking about after you left? Is that like every dude, it really is his game for getting laid, was making that.

He's the guy that goes like, ignore these guys that are they're whistling at you and saying and saying things about the way I respect you but you know I mean like it's that play to get laid and writing that book is just his play to get pussy is what I'm saying right it's his play to separate himself from the pack by showing his wisdom exactly and showing and being like I'm not a pig right like these other guys everyone else yeah I'm not a pig like these other guys. Like everyone else. Yeah, I'm a different. We're over at, what is that, connected to TriCaster?

So we're at Tommy's house. You see those yellow tabs? If you don't see this live, what he has is this thing, this book, where he has these yellow tabs at virtually everything interesting in the book. So they're overflowing with yellow tabs. And Tommy just goes to them and just laughing as he's going to each tab, just like that. Every time you go to the tab, look at your face. You're so happy. I started doing that because I saw Oprah do it with books when she had guests.

She was like, let me read you a passage from your book. And so I was like, I got to start marking my favorite passages from this book. With post-it notes, that's a very clever way of doing it. There are three separate chapters in this book that address just smelling good. He has a chapter called smell. He has a chapter called body odor. And a chapter called sanitation. Why is it so ridiculous?

It's crazy. It's all basically don't smell bad. What? That's so ridiculous. It's crazy. It's all basically don't smell bad. Oh, that is so funny. Yeah. And that dude gave me that book in person, you know? Yeah, he ran up to you in Hong Kong, right? Yep. That's hilarious.

And then we found his dating profile online. Did you get that, too? No. What? Yeah, his dating profile? We don't need to mock this gentleman any more than we already have. It's already heavy. It feels cruel.

And I read it in full on my podcast, his dating profile. So he's been mocked plenty. He's probably like, every time he hears about it, he's like, that one fucking book. Yep. If I just didn't go up to him and gave him that one fucking book. That one asshole. Yeah. See, he says he dabbles in stand-up, too.

I bet he's hilarious. Mm-hmm. He should be on the Ding Dong Show. Yeah, no, he would crush it there. Yeah, he would crush the Ding Dong Show. There's a lot of weird dudes out there, man. There is. And, you know, that's the thing is I actually was like, you know, he, I really think that every dude's personality to a degree

is developed as their play to get laid. You know what I mean? Like everyone takes their, their angle. Some are more genuine than others, but he re I think he really got into this cause he thought this will be the way that I do it. You know, this is, this is my way to get girls by writing a book, telling everybody how be i think so i i think i think it in his for in his mind it'll show these other ladies that like i'm i'm so respectful of women that you should give me a chance that's how i see it so respectful that i'm published yeah is there miss like like misspellings in this book and everything because i'm looking at all the review reviews which are all your fans, I can tell.

It looks like he spelled breath wrong, or what's the breath thing? Well, is there an E at the end? B-U-R-E-T-H. Your breathe should be delicious and refreshing. Bad breathe. Yeah, I mean, there's nine word chapters, so... Oh.

Oh. Not paragraphs. Yeah, chapters. Yeah. so not paragraphs yeah chapters yeah yeah poor guy well you know what man maybe he enjoys it everybody's got a different frequency maybe to him he's like i don't know what the fuck these guys are talking about i nailed it yeah i go over that book with a fine-tooth comb i don't find any flaws matter of fact i think it might be the greatest piece of literature ever created yeah and then and you know, people started, I think you said it,

and then I got a bunch of emails from people being like, we have to make this a New York Times bestseller. I bought it immediately. I bought it. Amazon one-clicked it

while I was on your show. You know he's been getting emails like notifying him of either reviews or sales where he's like, this shit's finally taking off.

I've been waiting for this to take off and just picked up this week It's like I've told you that story about Joey Diaz hiding behind the curtains of the Comedy Store where this woman was on stage This woman used to she's to bomb every week She was open mic er but she was one of those open mic er that was like always there. She was always there She was there on a Friday night Saturday night like I think they kicked her out of store I don't think she's allowed to go to the store anymore. She was crazy there. She was there on a Friday night, Saturday night. I think they kicked her out of the store. I don't think she's allowed to go to the store anymore. She was crazy. Anyway, she's on stage and doing her usual jokes,

but Joey Diaz had snuck behind the stage and he was back behind the curtain. He drops his pants, and every time she says a punchline, he opens the curtains and people see his belly, his ball bag, his dick, and then he closes the curtains And it's like it was the ultimate like punchline machine larry's and she

Crushed dude she crushed. She was she was strutting on stage with confidence. She's like all of a sudden people get it Yeah, they finally get me It's so great that she and then she did she find out right away or no? She never found out. She never, that's the best. To this day, I don't say her name when I talk about it because I don't want people to know. Maybe I said it once. But most of the time, I don't say her name.

Yeah. And you know, though, that when she tells people about Stam, she's like, should have been there, man. June 7th, 2003. Well, I was there the next time she got on stage or one of the next time she got she got on stage and she's like god this audience sucks she's like all of a sudden it was like the audience's fault that's so funny there's such a funny thing about like some of the i remember like some open micers they're uh unwavering like like, dedication to sticking to,

and, like, I'm saying not, like, somebody who's developing, like, who's horrific, and they're just like, nope, every fucking time, I'll even do it 19 years, and you're like, Jesus Christ. Well, you know what it becomes, man? It becomes, like, their culture. Like, that's their hangout. Yeah, that's true.

That is, like, amateur bowling night. Like, should you only bowl if you're going to be a professional bowler? Right. You know, I mean, to someone who's like a serious bowler and they watch some fuckheads like you and I go there and gutter ball it. You guys are taking up lanes, man. Rolling in as hard as you can. Yeah, totally.

That's what I do. That's what I do, too. I'm fucking terrible at bowling. I'm going to shot put this shit down there. Think about it, man. We don't respect that at all out of comedians. Right. Like, if you're a terrible bowler and you go to the bowling alley,

the other bowler's like, look at this fucking loser. But if you're a terrible comedian, a lot of people will look down upon you. Definitely. With just great judgment. Yeah, disgust. Ugh. Ugh. Yeah.

Yeah. What if that happens? I don't don't think that happens with bowlers i think so this gutter ball rolling bitch i think i think it's probably like you know some comedians would ignore somebody really bad they'll just be like yeah well sometimes you can't you gotta ignore them because then they'll just corner you true they'll corner you and they'll ask you what the secret is like you gotta tell them where the leprechaun lives yeah how often do you get asked where the secret is i got i bet it's quite a bit right not really no no the secret no no like not even like uh like emails dude i'm starting out yeah i get those occasionally but my email is not very obvious and um the other

thing is that even if i do get those like if I don't know he's like I can't tell you anything so what am I gonna do there's not very few things you could tell someone who's like just starting out or someone who's not doing well or yeah very few things you tell them well I I usually don't know them I used to say a lot more and now I got it down to like a sentence I mean I mean I'm honest with it I'm just like right a lot get on stage it. I'm just like, write a lot, get on stage a lot. What else am I going to tell you? Write a lot, get on stage a lot. Not only that, there's some

people that even if they write a lot and get on stage a lot for whatever reason, they're never going to figure it out. No matter what it is. Whether it's being a musician or being good at fucking bowling. There's people that I played pool with back when I played pool. I played pool for years. There's people that never got any better than they were the first time I met them.

That is crazy. I mean, and I know it's not, I'm not saying it about just those people, but that is kind of a fascinating thing where, like, you don't. They never get better. You have no progression. There's a lot of people like that in martial arts. Really? There's a lot of people like that?

Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of people that would hit this, hit this really low-level proficiency where they certainly got better than the first day. They weren't like they were on the first day, but they only got to a certain level, and then they just stopped. They stopped figuring out. I don't think it's an athletic talent thing. I think it's like a focus thing or a desire thing.

That's something you realize as you get older is that some people do not have the ability to hone in and and and like zone focus on something really hard some people have an unbelievable like the best athletes have this an amazing ability to focus on their goal on their training on what they're doing and then you know artists too like they focus on their music on their writing and i i've noticed that i there's just people friends in life who they can't focus on anything like they can't make their job that that they might like or not like a big part of like they're you know wanting to get they want to get they want to progress but they don't know how to focus on getting better at it they're like i wish i was further I was further along. But they're just so scrambled all the time.

That's a really common thing with comedians, and they pretend that they're not scrambled. Right. They always want to tell you how organized they are now. Yeah. No. Yeah, man, I got notes now and everything. Look at this book.

They do the same goddamn material every goddamn week for years on end. I got a guy a fucking guest spot at a club and i shouldn't have and like you know i was like give like get i was working the club and i had worked with him before and this lady was like oh shit well she goes uh so he's he's good and i'm like yeah yeah watch him and so he does he does this set on the first show. It was like a Saturday night. It was a guest spot. And it doesn't go well. And he was like, fuck, you know, what I'm going to do is on the second, because there's a second show. He's like, I'll do a whole other set.

And I was like, all right. And I go, well, just watch it on the second show. He's going to do a completely different set. Because he, you know, he was like, that was this material. I'll do all this other material. I go, okay. And he just went up there and did the exact same set as the first show and i was like you you like you spent 10 minutes explaining to me how you were going to do all different material and he was like yeah i don't know what happened

he panicked that's what yeah he panicked yeah he panicked he didn't didn't feel comfortable enough to to do it well sometimes when you're doing stand-up, especially when you're new, there's this mindset where you're so worried about the response that you're almost anticipating it while you're telling the joke, which distracts from your focus of the joke, which makes the joke bad. And you get super nervous, and then you go into this weird shell. And that's when guys start busting out really familiar material just to try to get back on track or to get on track that's true yeah so that's probably what he did yeah yeah you're right and then he couldn't i think he

probably he probably started with one joke from the first set and then when that didn't like make him feel comfortable he goes i'll just keep doing the first set he never felt comfortable enough to switch it up well you know what guess that, the problem with those things are, too? A lot of them are by dudes who don't work that much. So when they go up, it's a big deal. And they fucking panic because it's a sold-out room, like on a Friday night or something like that. I stopped giving those out a long time ago. Guest sets?

Just too many disasters. I saw some goddamn disastrous guest sets. Yeah. Friends. You know, you let them up, like, yeah, I'm some goddamn disastrous guest sets. Friends. You let them up. Like, yeah, I'm starting to do stand-up again. Really? How long have you been doing it? Went up last week.

Went well. All right, go ahead. I'll tell you this. This is something that totally changed. And it's because of just practice at anything changes how you do you know how you do anything and you know when i first started out all my sets were seven minutes and then 10 minutes and 15 minutes and you know and so on and there's a point where like i could do like just crazy good solid 10 minute sets and then now for the last couple years, the majority of the time I'm on stage,

it's like an hour. Like, that's what I, you know, you go up there, you do an hour. Now when I do a 10-minute set, I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do in 10 minutes? You panic. Yeah. I really, like, start to, like, figure,

like, what should I, and then you're like, what should I take out of the hour to do here, or how do I introduce a new 10 minutes? It's a whole different thing for me now. That's why it's really hard for people to do tv shows like Letterman or something like that you're doing five minutes I've done it twice I've done not Letterman but I've done Conan and I've done the late late show and uh absolutely it's like and then and both of them there's a guy

behind the camera who's circling his like will you wrap this shit up you're at five minutes and eight seconds like that's long you know so he's wrap this shit up you're at five minutes and eight seconds like that's long you know so he's like this and you're just like ignore ignore ignore yeah you gotta ignore that yeah that guy's distracting as fuck yeah he's just trying to get that you know do his job but yeah there's a lot of those just trying to do my job people that are annoying when ari was filming his special there was some fucking dude that was working the camera he was talking like this. In the back of the comedy store, which is about

10 foot deep. How big is the fucking comedy store? It's a small place. And this guy, the cameras are moving back and forth. They decided to have cameras on dollies. They way overproduced it. They needed to just set some cameras up in the corners, set them up, get a static shot. You don't have to keep moving around the

room. Just stop. But they did it anyway right so they did it and this guy was like directing things so he's in the back yeah lenny zoom in left zoom in left i mean and i'm not kidding this like people were like what the fuck like we were turn around and i had to talk to people i go what is this why is this guy so loud and they're like he's been doing it we try to tell him to talk the cut like the people that work the door we try to tell him to talk, like the people that work the door. We try to tell him to tone it down, but he didn't want to tone it down. Because you've got to talk to these people that have the cameras. Yeah.

They have to hear him clearly over the laughter. So he's talking like this. It's so distracting. And that's a guy, too, I can already tell that, like, you know, the more people that would tell him the quiet day, he's like, you want to do my job? You want to do this? I don't know if he was like that at all. I didn't talk to him.

You tell Lenny where to zoom in then. They don't need to move on dollies and shit. Like, everybody wants to over fucking produce these things. Put a camera in the center. Bang. Put a camera on the side. Bang. Put a camera on the side.

Bang. Don't usually use the cameras on the side unless there's something weird going on. Sure. Focus on that camera. All you need for a special is like a wide a medium and a tight shot It's really all you need they want to add all kinds of crafty shit to it Yeah, I didn't even let the Comedy Store be the Comedy Store when I got there There's all these crazy lights on the side of the stage, and it was just it was weird They like change the lighting it's like you you guys doctored it up

This is not the one if you're gonna be at the Comedy Store Don't you think you should be at the Comedy Store, don't you think you should look like the Comedy Store, maybe? I think that was the point of being there. Yeah, why is the Comedy Store all these fucking landing lights next to it? Why is the room red? I do like the trend. I think it's become a trend now

to go back to clubs for specials. I like it a lot. I love doing mine in a club. Those are my favorite specials to do. That's the best club, dude. That club is amazing. You picked the best club. There's like four of the best clubs.

Yeah, that's true. But that's one of them. That's one of them. Helium in Portland is one of the best clubs. Helium in Philly, that's one of the best clubs. I agree. I agree. Acme in Minneapolis.

I never did that. You never did Acme? No. I went there once. It's ridiculous. I went there once when Arj Barker was performing. Really? Yeah.

You'll lose your mind. It looked amazing. It's just like those clubs, just like Comedy Works downtown. Go Bananas, Cincinnati is a fun one. That's a good one. What else? What other good ones are there? Let me think.

Oh, Dangerfields in New York City. You ever do that? Never did that. Ooh, that's a good one. That's dark. That's an evil club. There's some fucking satanic shit going on in that place know like i mean it might just be literally it might just be like when something like stays around too long yeah sure it just soaks up weird vibes like the

comedy store definitely has weird vibes in it there's a weird vibe to that place and danger fields has a weird vibe too although Although Dangerfields for the longest time didn't have like the best comedians. I don't know how it is now, but when I was there, it was like there were some real good ones. There was the occasional good one, but there was a lot of like really bad comics

that literally didn't work anywhere else. That's in the city? Yeah. Yeah, it's on the east side somewhere. I don't remember where it is, but I did that place a lot and that's another one. They filmed the Rodney Dangerfield's comedy special there.

His HBO comedy special with Kinnison. Dangerfield at Dangerfield? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, they filmed it with Kinnison and I think Dice. I think Dice and Kinnison were on the same one. That's where they shot that? I didn't know that.

I've seen that one. Yeah, was it Dice and Kinnison? No. No, Dice was with Bill Hicks, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure Dice was with Bill Hicks. Kinnison was on'm pretty sure. Pretty sure Dice was with Bill Hicks. Kenneson was on a different one. But either way, they filmed the Kenneson one there at Dangerfields,

and it's just perfect. Yeah. It's just a small stage in a small room, and everybody's shoved in there tight, and it's all dark. There's mysterious handjobs going on throughout the room. It's a dark place. A lot of mysterious ones. Yeah.

It's a weird place, man. There's that. There's a few. There's a few. There's a few, like, let me think of some other ones that are really good. Comedy Magic Club, pretty goddamn good. It's a great club. And the Ice House is the best room of all time. Ice House is stupid good, man. It's number one.

That's number one. That fucking main room. And people, like, even more people in L.A., comics comics I'm saying, you know, everyone complains about how far, like it's not that, you should be going there all the time. It's amazing. It's 20 minutes away,

you weak bitch. 20 minutes away. Just drive over there, man. It's the best, it's the best setup in the country. And the staff, they're the nicest people on earth. It's the coolest, yeah.

They're so nice. Everyone is just all hugs and laughs and they're all sexually harassing each other. It's hilarious. They're hilarious. How a staff should be. and laughs, and they're all sexually harassing each other. It's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're hilarious. That's how a staff should be. The girls are mocking the dude's penises openly.

I came out to the green room, and they were mocking each other. I was like, this is hilarious. But they're laughing. When people work at comedy clubs, too, a lot of times, they have the whole PR thing or HR, human resources, never really comes into play. No. You're used to hearing about people gagging on cocks over and over again. How could you get a fist?

Yeah. So he works here on the weekend. You were watching like five shows. Fisting jokes and everything. What are you going to complain? And so everybody's always, they're more like, what's the word you would use? Loose with their dialogue. More like, what's the word you would use?

Loose with their dialogue? I can imagine a staff person at a club like that, and then they go over to Applebee's, and people are probably like, yo, what is up with you and all your cum jokes? We're trying to serve the fucking Jack Daniels steak and shrimp. Fucking tone it down. Some of my favorite people.

Yeah, they're great. Work at comedy clubs. Yeah, they're great, man. It's a special breed. That's another thing that we need to realize as comedians. It's a very important thing that I try to tell as many young guys as possible. Everybody always wants to think that there's some sort of an adversarial relationship between you and the comedy club, especially in the beginning. Guys are like, oh, they're not paying me enough money, or they don't give me good weekends,

or this and that and that and this. There's always going to be person-to-person conflicts but here's what's important if comedy clubs weren't around we'd be fucked so we need people to run comedy clubs yeah and guess who's not gonna run comedy clubs yeah yeah us right okay we need those funny they're very important and they're not us they're different so imagine being a non comedian Working with a bunch of fucking nutty comedians all the time with other crazy Problems and their addictions and their excuses and showing up late eva's and she went heroin on stage You know all whatever the fuck they do what my shoes at yeah craziness you hear you we've all seen people's writers

You know where they have a fresh pair of shoes Backstage for I've seen riders or where they have a fresh pair of shoes backstage. I've seen riders where dudes had a fresh pair of sneakers. Can you imagine if you had to deal with this shit? I got to give this guy fucking sneakers. He's going to have his size 11 Jordans in the box right there waiting before he goes on stage. He slips them on right before he goes up. That's his ritual.

Green M&Ms, you fuck. Only green. Asians, you know, they're always doing something. It's always the Asians, right? I was going to say Pakistani. I guess that's Asia. That is Asia. That's true.

I did a club where they had a PlayStation. And I was like, that's the shit. Thanks, dude. And they're like, we got it for a fucking asshole who made us buy one so he would do his shows. So enjoy. Let it go out and buy a fucking PlayStation. Yeah, see, man, if you were a regular person just trying to run a little business, maybe it'll be a fun business.

I'm in the restaurant bar business. Maybe I'd like to run a comedy club. Yeah, it'd be fun, right? And then Joey Diaz is calling you from Vegas. Listen, dog, you got to wire this money. You got to wire this money or we got no show, cocksucker. Joey in his crazy days. Oh, man.

I mean, anybody. I mean, think of the comedy nightmare stories that we've heard about comedians doing stupid shit to a club or to a club owner. Dude, I remember. Yeah, I know. I remember I did a club years ago. I'd get to the condo. I'm like, how's the condo looking? And they're like, well, the guy that just left, he shaved his pubes in the sink.

And I'm like, dude, I wish you would not have told me that. And then, you know, so-and-so left a piece of salmon under the bed, so the whole place would smell like fish. Oh, fucker. Brendan Walsh. People do shit like that, man. And here's the other thing they do. When people get out of the clubs, there's a thing that they do when they go to theaters.

They almost despise clubs then. I would never go back and work the club. I work the theater. They have this weird image thing. Yeah. What's that? Why would you be ashamed of clubs? That's all ego.

That's so stupid. Yeah. And the whole thing is for 90%, maybe more, if you do make the leap from clubs of theaters you're still gonna go back to like your draw almost everyone's draw dips again but Louis CK has one coming out that he did at the Comedy Store and that's one of the things that he talked about he's like you know cuz he does arenas now I mean there's like Madison Square Garden huge like 14,000 people right so he does that he does theaters yeah anywhere between like a thousand and you know whatever yeah

And then he also does the clubs which is everything we would consider like I think it clubs like below Everything below 500 yeah like even like that place in Phoenix. That's kind of like a comedy club slash theater Yeah, which is a great room by that's my favorite. I think that's my favorite big room big room in the country I like that one a lot. It's pretty goddamn good. Yeah, I think that's my favorite big room in the country. I like that one a lot. It's pretty goddamn good. San Jose, that can't even be considered a comedy club, can it? It's a theater. It's an old theater.

It doesn't have quite, it's over four. So, you know, you could technically be like it's a club, but it doesn't have the layout of a club. It looks like actually like a beautiful historic theater. Yeah, that place is amazing. That's a beautiful theater. I just did West Palm. I did one night there last week and this is giant giant 700 people they have giant these halfway through so like halfway through if you're too far away you just look

at a tv like a ufc and i did irvine last month i did a night that's a giant one i'm doing that in june i'm doing a weekend there in j. That place is enormous, man. But that is probably the best run comedy club. Like, that's got home base. Yeah, they know their shit. The improvs know their shit. You know what else, too? There's, like, a lot of comedy fans out there because they've cultivated that over years and years. And it's hard for them to get out of town.

Getting out of town sucks a fat dick if you live in Irvine. Irvine's fucking far. Like, that might as well be fucking far. That might as well be San Diego. It might as well be. The difference between getting to Irvine and San Diego is just leaving the house a little earlier. Sure, it's far, yeah. If you leave the house at 3 and try to get to Irvine,

it's like leaving the house at 2 and trying to get to San Diego. You get there at the same time. You really will. It's hours. Oh my god, it's death. If you miss that traffic, it's crazy. If you miss it, you're just like, I'm going to get here an hour same time. Yeah. I mean, you really will. It's hours. Oh my God, it's death. Yeah, yeah. But if you miss that traffic, it's crazy. If you miss it, you're just like, I'm going to get there an hour and a half early.

Yeah, yeah. What the fuck? It's crazy. You can miss it, but I don't know what that time is. There's like an 11 o'clock to 1 o'clock window of opportunity. When I was emceeing, and I had an Irvine weekend, I would leave at like fucking 1 in the afternoon. Just get down there early. Yeah, just hang out.

Hey, why not, man? Do some work, you know, get your notebook out, go over some jokes. Better than freaking out in traffic at 545, stop dead, going, how long is this going to last? What if this is another hour? This is a fucking 7 o'clock show. I only missed my set one time in my whole entire career, and it was emceeing Ontario years ago when it rained. So it rained. So, you know, everything gets backed up a

little bit like traffic gets worse and i left la hollywood at like it was like a eight o'clock show and i left at like six to go to ontario i got when i when i ran in the feature was like all right thanks everybody i was like shit missed my set everybody. I was like, shit. Missed my set completely. Whoa. I mean, this town teaches you to leave way earlier than you should. What is it going to be like in 10 years? When there's even more people? Yeah, they're going to keep going.

Unless there's some sort of a natural disaster, LA's going to continue to grow. Unless there's one of them The Rock earthquakes, like this movie he's got coming out oh yeah san andreas right it'll take some shit like that yeah and then everybody's just going to overrun colorado then everybody's just going to move to colorado people have like um you know these they propose that like nothing would be better for for earth just than like a significant

wipe out of a certain percentage of the population right like for everything i mean that's very short-sighted on Earth's point Yeah, because I would say Earth listen We're the only ones out of all the shit that you got growing the only ones that might be able to figure out how to divert a fucking asteroid so watch your mouth bitch Yeah, okay, cuz you want you want us you want us out there fucking and making computers? Yeah, we throw some shit in the ocean We'll figure that out a couple generations. But what we're doing is we're paying attention to the fact there's

rocks above you. Yeah. Bitch. Bitch. Earth. Fucking whining bitch. Human beings worried about a natural disaster being the best thing to happen to Earth. How much of a natural disaster? Fuck Ed. Because you got hit by, you forgot about this, you got hit by a planet once.

Yeah. The Earth got hit by a you forgot about this, you got hit by a planet once. Yeah. The Earth got hit by a goddamn planet at one point in time. How long ago? Before your time. Like 100 years ago? 1890? 72. Before slavery was abolished.

Oh. God was trying to wipe out slavery with the Earth. With another planet. I think it was like a billion years into Earth's life cycle. Yeah. That was a while back. Imagine, though, if you saw a planet in the sky and it was slowly coming towards us, and astronomers are like, we've got a rogue planet. There's a rogue planet headed our way.

Yeah. And we have two years to do with this. Oh, by the way, we lied about going to the moon. We've never actually really landed anywhere other than Earth. Sorry. And then as the planet gets closer, people are like, where's it going to hit? And they keep changing where they think it's going to hit. And then it lands.

And then they're like, it's going to be North Korea. Everyone's like, all right, cool. It's going to hit so hard that even if you do leave now in a spaceship, the aftershocks of the impact will blow your spaceship apart in space. So it's pointless to leave just every day. Murder, chaos, machetes, gunfire, fucking. Billionaires would all still be gone, though. Dance parties. They would still be in there, rockets.

Like, fuck it. I'm going to do it anyways. Do you think they would try? I think so, yeah. I think we could reinforce the outside and beat the shockwaves i've done my own calculations roger absolutely maybe one guy just thinks it'd be cute to get that guy up in space paul allen would be up there you think so yeah watching from above you guys are fucked i can see i want to be that guy though man you don't want to be alone in space with a billion dollars no that sounds so

fucking that's so depressing to think about i would way rather die yeah way rather with the rest of us fuck yeah yeah yeah i don't want to live in space in some tiny community that you know i was trying to suck water out of rocks on mars no no that sounds it's so stupid like this you know how long people have worked to to turn Earth into what you can enjoy right now? Yeah. This has been a long process to get to 2015. And you're just going to bypass all that and shoot yourself off into space like an asshole? Somebody would.

You know they would. Somebody would. We would have to be thousands would have to be like thousands of years more advanced than we are now yeah point we could like change the atmosphere of a planet like we could land on Mars and do something like what is that there's a term a scientific term for when they reintroduce oxygen to an atmosphere of a planet mmm I forget what it is, but they've developed machines that they could theoretically... Oh, photogenesis.

No, that's... No, I know. I'm just an asshole. I think it's just when you're good looking. But whatever that term is, they eventually want to do that to, like, Mars. They eventually want to fly there, set up these gigantic gas making machines and, you know, somehow or another make oxygen.

It is cool. Like, you know that, you know, we can't even wrap our heads around how amazing it'll be. Like, uh, the,

how, you know, in thousands of years, like we can't wrap our heads around what life is going to be. We, we do have the benefit of looking back and seeing like how much better our lives are than every generation before. I'm talking about just quality of life. Oh, yeah.

Like how hard life used to be. It's just it's so, you know, and you look at lifespans, you know, people live in to their 30s was an average lifespan a long time. You know what I mean? Like you got married and you had your kid at 13 and that was standard. And then everybody got a cold and they're like, well, he's dead. Like he died. It was cold. That's what happens.

You get cold and you die. It was horrific. And not only that, like what we're talking about was a hundred years ago. Yeah. That's what's really bananas. Dude, you know what I always think about? Air conditioning. Like how fucking normal that is to us how you're like

it's a hundred out and you walk in you're like everything's fine now like like it's it feels not just fine you watch tv in your underwear picking your balls and you're like meanwhile you could cook food on your driveway yeah you literally cook food in your driveway and then of course the reality there's some people who don't have that obviously still who are like you're like jesus imagine right now if I didn't have that. Like how in the worst hot day, how horrific the quality of life becomes. Like Phoenix. Like Phoenix in the summer.

It's brutal. Vegas in the summer. Phoenix. Vegas in the summer is insane. It's insane. Yeah. It's hard to imagine that anybody can endure those temperatures. I remember doing gigs in Vegas, July, August, where you're at one casino, whatever, the Bellagio,

and you're like, I'm going to walk to the next one. Just the next one. You forget how the size of just the buildings. Yeah. And that next one is, I don't know, a quarter mile or something, maybe a little more than that. That's how far the next, that's not far to go. But when it's 124 outside and you're just, you're walking down and you get there, you're like, I'm going to check into this hotel. Like, I'm not even going to go back to my old hotel.

It is a fucking brutal outside. It's insane. It's like a hairdryer blowing your face all day. And there's homeless people there. Like, they live in that. Do you think you adapt? I think you do adapt to a certain degree because human beings were just so resilient and you just, you do adapt to things. But I think there's also people who are like, you know, they die.

Well, I know that Eskimos, or you're supposed to call them Inuits, their hands have adapted to deal with the cold. Like, they don't get numb hands like we would if we went up there. Really? Their circulation's different. Their skin's different. And I also know that like my friend Steve Rinella was just in Bolivia, and he has a podcast, the Meat Eater podcast, where he's talking about this trip to Bolivia.

It was pretty fascinating. One of the things they were talking about is how it was really hot down there and everybody was sweaty except the natives. The native Chumani, I think that's how you say their name, they didn't sweat. Like, to them, it wasn't that hot. That's unbelievable. They were used to it. Like, everybody else is drenched with sweat.

These guys are, like, barely drinking water. They drink a little sip of water every now and then. But you look at them, they're not glistening with sweat like everybody else. It's amazing how quick the adapt and the change happens, too. I remember, like, for the first 13, 14 years of my life, I lived in cities that had cold winters. Cincinnati, Milwaukee, Minneapolis. And we moved from Milwaukee to Florida in November.

And in November, sometimes in Florida, it'll get all the way down to the 50s like in south florida right so i go to school the first few days and kids have sweatshirts and jackets on and i'm in a t-shirt and shorts we just moved from milwaukee where it's like three that day right so people look at me and they're like are you out of your fucking mind like what are you doing why are you doing this and i'm like this, what are you doing? Why are you doing this? And I'm like, this is the best day I've had in months. Like, this is really warm. And then, you know, but the thing is, the next year, the next year, you change.

You adapt to the new temperature. And then I was cold in 50. Then I'm wearing jackets. Yeah, it changes. It changes really fast. I walked into a Starbucks the other day and these ladies were complaining about the rain. It's like complaining. Yeah, it changes. It changes really fast. I walked into a Starbucks the other day and these ladies were complaining about the rain. It's been raining so much lately.

Yeah. I'm like, you fucking crows. Yes. You dumb crows. We're in a horrible drought. They just make a noise. And we're drinking water. Water.

The life-giving water. Coming from the sky. What is it going to do? Water the crops? Feed the animals? Yeah, we don't need it. You're right. It was hilarious.

Let's shut it down. Just people will find something to complain about. But it's just, it's adorable when you see it. Because it's like, this is so cliche. Like people are complaining at a good thing. I know. It's been happening quite often. Like, I wish I wasn't making so much money got all these accounts and what's with all this sex I'm feeling good and get my dick that's a real great

complaint to have people weird man they're weird they'll complain about everything I think people just look to complain about shit so a lot of times they don't have to look inward There's a lot of complaining going on. I was like that's externally you know venting your internal frustrations That's most I think that's most of the time sometimes. I catch myself doing it. It's funny. It's sometimes. It's funny Yeah, like sometimes like when Diaz complains about shit Diaz complains We hope we complain about dressing the different flavors of dressing. You just start laughing. He's mocked me for, like, everything I've ever done.

It's always something. What, you got your fucking fanny pack over there, Captain? There will always be something, you know? I remember when Eddie Bravo had this fucking wrist bracelet on. It was, like, one of those leather bracelets, you know, those rock and roll type, the snap. Yeah.

And Joey walks over and goes, what are you waiting for? A fucking falcon to land on your arm? A falcon? He gave me shit just for talking to people

one time. Because we were traveling together and like, it was like the third person that had come up and been like, hey,

are you guys doing shows? And he pulled me, he goes, will you stop fucking talking to people? What? Like it was like the third person that had come up and been like hey are you guys doing shows like they and He pulled he goes we stopped fucking talking to people What did I do he's like I'm trying to get in the fucking car get to the hotel I want to take a nap play with my balls stop fucking talking to people I'm like all right all right Sorry, but he was so fired up that I was like hey, I'm like that I responded to somebody who wanted to Hilarious it's in those moods if he doesn't eat. It's ridiculous.

Especially right when we land at the airport. He has to get to his hotel as soon as possible. Joe would just be punching in an address in the GPS. He's like, just drive, Coxie! He gets mad at you. He got mad at me for what I ate, too. Because I didn't eat enough. I just happened to that time we landed. Trying to be healthy? Yeah, I ate too like because I didn't eat enough like I I just happened to like

that time we landed trying to be healthy yeah I ate a salad he was like what the fuck are you doing eating a salad a fucking salad

that'd make me look fat he had like four plates of wings half a dressing you got a half a dressing fucking half a momo yeah he was fantastic

yeah he's quite a character man getting mad at you for what you eat yeah so funny getting mad at you for what you eat yeah so funny getting mad at you for what you wear but that's different it's like humorous that's humorous no just whining it's just yeah sometimes i mean sometimes i complain and i'm like and you realize it's funny sometimes in the middle

of complaining i'll just be like oh i'm just complaining i'm complaining as a distraction yeah i don't want to focus on something to do with me. It's just, it's, it's weary. Yeah. It's wearisome. It's, it's tiresome when someone does it. It's like, oh God. If someone's really negative and not in that funny way, but in like just a genuine, like everything sucks, every, you know, everyone's out to get me.

That, that shit, you can't be around. It's not healthy to be around. It's, there's a lot of people like that. They get stuck in that rut. I had an ex-girlfriend like that. Oh, my God. It was brutal, man. It's like a disease.

She would complain about everything. I mean, everything from food to the restaurant to the people sitting next to the table to this to that to that to this. It's just like a constant deluge of just negativity. that to that to this is just like it's i can't be around there no huge just negativity whereas you could be around the same person the same situation and they just notice all the cool shit about things and you know have a different balanced perspective give a little energy to the conversation be be someone that's you know sensitive to how other people are perceiving you and what kind of vibe you're giving off have you ever been around the extreme opposite though where it's like usually a girl that's just super positive and can never see any negativity?

That shit almost isn't annoying. Well, delusional is not good, right? Right. Delusional is not good. There's delusional. I'm just saying it's about girls, it's about people. Yeah, it's all. It's like positive perspective is nice, but yeah, not seeing the negative like well

You know I think what he's doing now is just trying to establish himself like no. He's a crook No, he's stealing people's cars like no. He's a con man. Well. It's not as easy for him Probably as it was for you, so maybe we should give him the benefit of the doubt That's also a certain level of just being naive. Like really naive people. Naive is a better word. Clueless, naive, delusional. The girl I know that does that carries around crystals in her purse. Oh, shit.

So it's like one of those things. When you smell patchouli on a girl, do you immediately go, oh, Christ. I smell it on a human being, period. I'm just like, dude, I hate this. Let's not hang out. It doesn't smell that bad. I don't like it.'s not hang out. It doesn't smell that bad. I don't like it. If it was exotic, if it was exotic, it wouldn't smell that bad.

The real problem with patchouli is the people who wear patchouli. That's the real problem. That's true. Because, you know, like there's smells that you'll associate with certain things. Yeah. Like there was a smell of citrus, and they got these mice, and what they did was they zapped these mice's feet. And every time they zapped their feet, they would spray this citrus smell in the air.

And so these mice would associate the citrus smell with getting zapped. So I think when you smell patchouli, that shit just, you just think, annoying hippie, here we go. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Here we go. It's a first thought. Here we go, annoying lazy person. Yeah, yeah, it's true. Here we go. It's a first thought. Here we go, annoying lazy person. Yeah, yeah. Here we go.

You smell them, you're like, you're a bad person, I don't like you. It's all share. Well, you know, we basically like share crops. How about that? I'll give you my poetry and you can give me some food. It's also a gross smell. Let's be honest, it smells just disgusting. I don't really like it.

Honestly, I couldn't even picture it right now. It smells like black licorice mixed with dirty feet. If it was a really pretty girl, it probably wouldn't bother you. If you were really into her, you'd put that patchouli on. It's not true. I think you'd be like... Maybe you're just picky. That smell is nasty.

That's like worse than B.O. Do you like that? Oh, no, it's not. That's illogical. B.O. is disgusting. Especially B.O. on a woman. Oh, Christ. The problem I have with him... When I'm fucking guys, it's not. That's illogical. BO is disgusting, especially BO on a woman. Oh, Christ. The problem I have with him.

When I'm fucking guys, I don't mind a little BO. You know what I'm saying? But girls, that's where it is. It's such a violent smell, though. BO? No, no, no. Petruli. It's such a violent smell.

My BO. My BO is way more violent than Petruli. It's like old lady and roses and perfume. You know, like they walk by and you're almost like I got a headache now from that smell well that's strong but truly I like a mild but truly there's Bo that's that's I mean you know everyone knows their own but like you ever get like in a cab and you're like yes yes whoa man I remember I worked in a real estate office in Boston like right after college and there were

these guys because every boston has like just nothing but apartments and nothing but all day just i thought you're gonna say nothing but bio it does it has nothing too that's everyone has bio there are these three guys these guys would come in and when they came in everyone was like whoa as they walked in the door like what the fuck these three guys as soon as they left we would take the like the febreze like febreze to let everybody know that you knew but then what happened was they would be you know they needed to check out apartments so whoever lost the bet in the office at the time would have to take them in their car because you know they're going to be in your car you have to get it detailed so people would be like no fucking way no like you would you would try you do whatever you would you could

to not get these dudes or any guys like them in your car it's always that's almost always dudes smell like that fucking that strong i had a kid in school uh and when when i lived in florida it was like the first stinky kid that i remember he He turned out to be a real nice kid. He was a sad case. He had been burned in a fire when he was young. Yeah. Not totally, but one of his ears was pretty fucked up, and he was really insecure about it. And we actually got in some sort of a physical altercation, and I don't remember what the thing was,

but I remember we had to go to the teacher's office. And I remember it wasn't, like, super violent. We didn't, like, beat each other up. Like, maybe we, like, pulled each other's clothes or something like that. Because we were, like, 11. And when we went to the teacher's office or the principal's office, we had to sit down and talk about it. The principal asked us both what had happened. Neither one of us was really mad. But when we decided like can you guys shake hands and be friends he was like so eager to shake

hands and be friends i realized like oh this poor fucking guy man he smells bad and he's got a burnt ear and he probably just didn't have any friends like the reason why he was douchey was probably just he wanted some sort of attention or like. Like, I remember thinking that at the time. At that age. Like, his overwhelming, like, I told him, I didn't think he was going to sucker punch me. I didn't think I was going to say, yeah, let's be friends until we get outside, bitch. Yeah. It wasn't any of that. Right. It was like, he really wanted to be friends.

Yeah. And so I remember we shook hands. We gave like a shake hands hug thing. Yeah. And we were cool with each other from then on out. But that poor bastard stunk. Yeah. I don't know if his parents didn't take care of him,

or if he was scared to bathe, or if, you know, maybe. It's amazing the way smells, uh, stick in your memory forever. They do.

Like you remember like how good something smelled somewhere or something, you know, you, you smell it again. You're like, Oh, that takes me back to exactly this point. Yeah.

You remember it. And then, uh, a smelly mother. I can smell those dudes in boston right now i want to get out of here i want to leave or cats or pets you stop smelling cats oh yeah like litter boxes i i just put down my cat that i talked about last time i was on the show and for my first time in 17 years i get to have a house that has no litter box oh and i don't even know what that's

like well you're lazy too i don't think you clean your litter box every day. No, no, I didn't do it every day. Disaster. Oh, yeah, it's like, oh, once a week, just throw it away. Oh, no! My new litter box. Oh, my God. See, that's the problem. You have to do that every day. Otherwise, you're breathing shit fumes. Did you hire a maid to piss fumes? I've had a maid. Right now, I don't have a maid. You've got to get a maid.

Why don't you do one of those topless maids that they have? I did that. I tried that. I told you that. You did try that? Yeah. How'd it go? It's not good. It's really bad. It was like an older woman and her daughter, I think. What? You can't choose who you get to be the topless maid? Well, I don't know.

There's a few different companies, but the one I did, there's a van parked down my street, so I just called it. And are you just gawking? Are you like, do that again? Why don't you, you're the guy who like, you rub maps, massage powers. Right. Why wouldn't you like, at least do a fine Yelp review? It said $99, so I wasn't really thinking into it.

And, like, I didn't think, like, oh, wait, I have to watch them clean. Because when a maid's in, I'm, like, one of the guys that hides because I'm so ashamed. Right. But then, like, you just kind of stand there in the kitchen going, yep, she's topless. This is stupid. Why am I doing this? But is she really cleaning? Yeah.

Or are they doing a bad job? No, they're just regular maids that are getting an extra 20 bucks to take their top off, I think. Because these are people that seem like they're related and they seem like just normal maids. It was very uncomfortable. I kind of like it. I felt very bad. Why? Because it was sad.

This was an older woman. How old? 50 and maybe her sad This was an older woman Like how old? 50 And maybe her daughter That was maybe Are you sure it was her daughter? It seemed like a mom and daughter thing Really?

It was really fucked up That's rough Well you know You gotta think If you know someone That's really fucked up And they have a kid That kid's gonna grow up

With a fucked up parent Like if someone's like Really crazy Or you know If someone is a topless maid for a living, they don't think there's anything wrong with it. And then, you know, your daughter hits 18.

She's like, mom, I want to join the topless maid business. You're like, hey, it's good enough for me. Why isn't it good enough for you? Yeah. The mom was a little over. Very true.

The mom was a little overweight, but she had humongous Mexican tits. And when she took her bra off, it had like the most horrific stretch or the marks from her bra I'm digging into her patients. Yeah, it was it looks like talk to her like when she took her tits out No, I just sat there and it both just put it in a bucket like they just put their clothes They didn't we didn't listen like they didn't talk like anything. They didn't say like hello I think they said hello when we came in but they were like not any English didn't go like yeah

I just like the kitchen living room. I only had them clean the kitchen living room in the bathroom i didn't even let them go you should have said you have huge mexican tits or something like that it's uncomfortable they speak english right uh barely they like i i remembered that they asked where the vacuum cleaner was it was very like uh vacuum cleaner have you looked under your huge mexican tits? I would always wonder, like, what is that life like? I would have to ask them questions.

I would give them extra money just to be able to ask them questions. I'll say I'll pay you for a whole extra hour if you sit down for another five minutes. Just let me. How was the daughter?

Attractive? The daughter wasn't bad, but she was a little chubbier also. Like, they were both a little chubby, but the mom's boobs were weird. Because she had, like, the huge, like, hangy ones. And she was cleaning the kitchen.

And I would, like, just kind of walk in and just be like, oh, what's going on in here? And her just dirty boobs, like, touching the oven while she's cleaning it. You have made it sound very sad. It's nothing exciting. It was horrible. I do not recommend it. I just would want to talk to them and find out what that's like like do guys like try to attack you like that seems Like a dangerous kid. I think that's why they do it though

Cuz they're so they weren't very appealing and it was sad that I think was like a one-time thing I would rather pay what that was a one-time for them. I think once you get it You're not gonna have them come back ever. I mean it's almost a joke You mean a one-time thing for you yeah not a one-time thing for them would you i would rather do for 20 extra bucks get a regular maid but i could be bottomless and they would not like get mad at me like i would just sit in there with normal maids and just have no pants on that'd be better right i think that's illegal unless you're making a statement yeah that's illegal. Unless you make an agreement.

That's what I'm saying. The agreement is I don't have to wear pants. Well, I'm sure someone can do that. I'm sure that's a great... Well, you'd have to want to have your pants off with them, too. So they'd have to be, like, these somewhat attractive... Right, you're allowed to stroke and just follow them around, but they can't call the police. Okay, that's rude.

Because then you would get in the way in your little narrow hallway and accidentally come on them. I don't know how you work. And clean it up. In this city, you could definitely work out your fantasy. Yeah, that's a minor request. You could work out some pretty crazy shit in this town. Definitely.

Have you heard about this movie, The Jinx, this show on HBO? I'm all caught up, man. Really? Do you know they reopened that guy's case because of that show? I did not know. Tell everybody that doesn't know what the show's all about. Well, there's a gentleman named Robert

Durst who is part of the Durst family, which is, he was an heir. The Durst family is one of the biggest, five biggest real estate families in New York. He was sort of, even growing up, kind of the outcast son. Mother died, committed suicide, or fell when he was really young.

And basically in the late 70s, early 80s, his wife Kathleen disappeared. And disappeared, nobody has, even up to this day no one's I've been able to find her he was never formally charged people thought he had something to do with it and no trace he gave a lot of different accounts to the police to investigators of what happened the last time he saw her the last time he spoke to her so all these kind of things that don't match up that might make you make it sound pretty suspicious so Um, so when the case wasn't, you know, didn't progress anymore, uh, a few years later, his best friend at the time was a woman named Susan Berman.

And she was set to talk to investigators when they reopened the case this time in the, I would say, I think we're talking by like into the 90s now. So it had, a lot of time had passed and the investigators wanted to talk to Susan Berman, who had been Durst's best friend and whom there was a long line, a track record of him giving her money over the years. And, you know, from his account, it's like, it's a, it's a good friend of mine. I just always gave her money, but she collected substantial money from him. Well, the day before an investigator was flying out from New York to see her, she was murdered in her house in Benedict Canyon.

So it was like kind of the second person involved or close to Robert Durst who died. How much money did he give her? or close to Robert Durst, who died. How much money did he give her? Well, there was, they found that, like, you know, like, in one of her journals, she kept track of, like, loans or gifts people had given her money, and recently he had given her 50 grand, you know? So, and the way that they piece it together,

they think that over the years she's collected much more than that so it was she's a you know was his friend who was always kind of struggling and he was always giving her money so you know from his from his side of the story I'm rich I give my friend money from people that are more suspicious of it it's here's money to never open your fucking mouth um so he allegedly gets her whacked that's one of the things now her she has a pretty interesting story because her father was a big time mafia guy her dad was real close with bugsy siegel and was in in the heyday of vegas being run with the by the mob her dad was one of the major players so people who say it's not Durst related will say that it's related to a book she wrote where she kind of laid out a bunch of stuff about the mob and

like her dad's role in things and all these people so they say you know oh it's it's it's very much in line with a mob hit so that there's that and then a few years after that well right when you know they think that they knew that we were gonna reopen this investigation he wanted to go into hiding so he moved to Galveston Texas and he started living as a mute woman so he wore a wig and he wore a dress and he started renting an apartment in cash. He paid like a year up front and he knew he couldn't mask his voice. So he pretended to be a mute woman. So he would only write down things. And he eventually developed a friendship with the guy across the hallway from him named Morris Black, who was just like this old curmudgeony guy.

who was just like this old curmudgeon II guy and basically fast forward in the Galveston Bay a fisherman finds a floating bag and it has an arm and then a leg and then basically the police come and they find chopped up body and they find an ID and they're able to get fingerprints and it's Morris Black so it's the guy that was across the hall so they go to his apartment and they see across the hall is this woman who's living there who's not there at the time and you know they they find that like the there's there's blood on the floor kind of you know all the telltales of that, like, something happened here. And what ended up happening was that he was charged with murder. He posted bail.

And then he went on the run. And he actually got caught shoplifting a sandwich after he had jumped bail. And in his car, they found $38,000 in cash. Whoa. And he had $500 in his pocket. He just shoplifted for the, you know, they didn't want to pay for the sandwich. That's how he got caught after he jumped bail.

Then he gets charged with murder. He doesn't deny murdering the guy. Says it was self-defense. But he also chopped the guy's body up. Like cut off arms cut off his legs cut off his head put them in bags threw them in the bay oh not guilty what jury decides not guilty so uh you know so he admits to killing a person and chopping them up. And not guilty. And, you know, there's a lot of people that swear that he, you know. He's killed three people.

He's killed three people, yeah. It kind of makes sense if he's killed one. They caught him red-handed killing one. And cutting up the body. Yeah, that's deep shit. That's something you do on your third body. Right. First two bodies you light on fire.

So they opened up this case? Are they going back to it? That's the thing. In this country, there's no statute of limitations on murder. So I think this show went into so much detail about... Oh, so Susan Berman was 2,000. What a nutty motherfucker. You know what's the craziest part?

In the interviews on the craziest part in the interviews on the show, on the Jinx. His eyes look black. They look like a demon. They look like demon eyes. Specifically, the entire time he's being interviewed, and they cut back to the guy who, because they made a movie about

the Galveston story. I think Brian Gosling starred in it. It was a pretty good movie. That guy who directed that film made this documentary and they're in this hotel in the back and forth every time they cut to his eyes you're like that looks like fucking like what's it called like from like drag me to hell it's like Slytherin the Harry Potter like snake got you're like Jesus Christ is there no eye color it's pitch black what's the Ryan Gosling movie?

I don't know. I don't remember the name. It's a good movie that kind of, you know, that takes you through the story pretty well. And actually, Durst liked the film so much, that's why he agreed to do this series with this guy. All Good Things? All Good Things. Oh, my God. Yeah, he liked it so much that he agreed to do.

And in that movie, does he chop the guy up? I can't remember if he does it in the Gosling movie. But, yeah, it's Gosling, yeah. Gosling playing him? Yeah. Wow. But I think he probably would because, you know, he really did that. He admits to doing that.

What the fuck, man? Yeah, yeah. He's a nut. There's a detective on the jinx that says it best. He goes, I don't think that Robert Durst is, like, somebody who takes pleasure in killing. I don't think he's, like, a bloodthirsty guy. But I think if you corner him and you make him feel threatened about something, he'll kill you. And I was like, I think that's probably accurate.

It's also, when you think about this guy, he's, how old is he now, like 70? Older. He's got to be late 70s. Late 70s? Early 80s, yeah, I think so. So think about this guy. He grew up in, what was that, he was born in the 40s? Yeah, he has to be, do you 40s? Yeah. He has to be.

Do you have his age? It's got to be. So let's just say the 40s. Yeah. He was born in 43. Yeah. Okay. There you go.

So he's born in the 40s. So he grows up, you know, when he's seven, it's 1950. You could basically do anything back then. True. There was no fucking fingerprints. There's no DNA. And if you're rich? Nothing. When did they figure out fingerprints find that out when this finger was to solve crimes i'm guessing the turn of the century i'm guessing 1900s i might be wrong about like 1940 i'll say

1876 for fingerprints either way 1892 1892 but bam. Either way, I think that those people that grew up then, they had a different sense of what you get away with. I think so, too. That and money. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because money, especially if you're talking, I mean, everybody says now somebody with money can do what they want and get away. But back in the day that's what that is truly reality if you come from a lot of money and you destroy something if you ruin somebody's life you kill somebody they're like well you know you have a

lot of money so yeah we're gonna we're gonna pay for it peeling off them shekels yeah and when he was doing this like when he was living in Galveston he had that apartment he was still rich right rich as fuck just you know not showing the money uh he could still access money I mean when he got arrested he called his wife who because he's married now and remarried someone who was living in New York and they you know this is Galveston Texas and they're like bail is set at 250 grand which is you know you that's what you got to pay he's like cool he calls like he needs 250 000 and then why is he living in an apartment because he wanted to be off the grid

he wanted to be he wanted nobody to notice him because he knew the that investigation had just fired up again which you know it's not normally how innocent people act. Yeah. Especially living as a woman. A mute woman in Texas. Yeah. Why don't you just go to another country? It's a good question. Yeah, no, he, he still had access to some money because paid that in full that's two 50 gone when he jumped bail. And then, uh, he hired a team of lawyers. Like they were like, this is the best,

this is the best defense lawyer in Texas, criminal defense lawyer, and so is this guy. And he was like, cool, both. Whoa. Paid them each 600 grand to defend him on this case. And they got him off. They got him off.

Jesus. I wonder what could they have said that makes it okay to chop somebody up and throw them in the ocean. You know, a body takes up a lot of space in your house. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a mute woman we're talking about. Okay, this man, he didn't know my client could defend himself. He thought he was attacking a mute woman.

Imagine if that was your mama. Imagine if that was your grandmama. And this bloodthirsty fucking savage of Jewish descent. Say some shit like that. Tries to fuck your grandma, your mute grandma. Can't even cry out for help. Any of y'all in the jury Jewish? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Any of y'all in the jury have a grandma that you love dearly and you don't want some hooligan fucking her? And some strange Galveston apartment? If you ain't a Jew, you must have quit. Come on. You ain't a Jew, you must have quit. Come on. If you ain't a Jew, you must have quit. Yeah, it's pretty intense. I wonder, what would the argument be? Like, how could they?

They'd have to say the guy was trying to kill him. Yeah, they show it. I'm trying to remember. They show it in the documentary? Yeah, yeah. Oh, there's a lot of footage from the trial. Wow. I need to hear it.

I need to hear what, like, what the hell could this be? Episode four has all that stuff. What's great is when they read Not Guilty, they have the camera on him, and he's like, keeps turning. He's like, they said Not Guilty, right? Oh, shit. And he's like, you sure? And they're like, yeah, yeah, Not Guilty.

He's like, oh, shit, shit, thank God. God, that must feel amazing. Yeah, that's gotta be. I think you're about to go to jail after you chopped a dude up like this. Like, what are the odds? How can I get off this? How great would it be if they say Not Guilty? He goes, that's got to be. You're about to go to jail after you chopped a dude up. Like, what are the odds? How can I get off this? How great would it be if they say not guilty? He goes, that's three.

He walks out and fucking gang signs the cameras on the way out. Have you seen the Suge Knight footage? No, I haven't. I wanted to see it, but I was on a plane yesterday. Yes. We can't show it on the air because it's very, very, very disturbing. If you want to see it yourself, they have footage of Suge Knight running over those guys. It's an accident, right?

Oh, no. You need to see it. There's no accident involved in this. This is not an accident. Is there a live leak version? It accidentally got captured on security cam. No. Yeah, so here's suge knight he

pulls up yeah apparently they were filming the um there's bone nwa film yeah so this dude shows up but it looks like there's some kind of something going on here and the guy had a gun yeah look i'm sure some people were threatening him yeah i'm sure there was some shit going on, but note what actually happens. Like, this part is not a goddamn accident. Look at that. Bam. And then watch this. This is hard.

This is hard to watch. Oh. Oh. That guy's dead. The first guy lived. The second guy's dead. The first guy lived? Yeah.

Really? Yeah, that's why they blurred out the second guy. I like that dude that walks up. Because that guy just got murdered. Wow. Yeah, he's moving him around. That's good. And then this guy takes a gun off him.

Possible gun and sticks it in his back. Yeah, most likely it was a gun. Yeah. It seemed like a gun. I mean, he might have pulled a gun out on Suge Knight, and Suge Knight drove over him. I mean, that's what it looks like to me. I mean, look. Somebody ran up to him.

This guy ran up to him. Hey, you, you son of a gun. It was like some movement. Like he was grabbing. You see how the truck moves? Like they're grabbing each other or something? Fucking amen. That's unbelievable.

That's hard to watch. So you think Suge definitely did it to murder, not just like freak out, like, get me the fuck out of here, and he just gunned him? Well, it could be that, too. But look at this. Watch this. Bam. And he didn't try to go around that dude. He went over him and ran that guy over.

Yeah, that's true. That guy was getting run over, which is what most of us would do if someone pointed a gun at us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you see what TMZ released today? Footage from like four years ago when he was with Cat Williams and he did the exact same thing where he just went through a crowd of people in his SUV.

They just put it on, it's on the front page of TMZ today. They, so did he hurt anybody during that one? Let me check it because I didn't actually watch the video yet. I just saw it. They need a documentary on him.

Yeah. That guy's been through a lot of shit. That dude. Jesus. He just got shot earlier this year, too. Yeah.

He's like a real live gangster. Yeah. Living amongst us. Bad shit happens, though, wherever he is. Oh, yeah. You don't want to be around. Every time he's at

the comedy store, I legit get scared because he used to come there a lot he's he attracts you know that guy has a has a legacy of wrongdoing and just bad people around him like if you're in a room with him that something bad's gonna happen it's kind of amazing that he up until this point was still out in the street you know yeah and he's served you know significant time before like he's yeah well this is the last when he got shot, apparently really fucked him up pretty bad.

He just striked one person last time. Struck. And it doesn't say anything about if the person died or anything. Jesus Christ. Yeah. He's a bad dude. Yeah. It's weird when you find out about those guys that are still out there.

And you go, really? In 2015, this really obvious bad guy is still running around out there? Yeah, he's like a villain, right? He's like a movie villain. Like, imagine if John Gotti was alive and out there running around in Little Italy, mocking people the way he did back before they arrested him. That's pretty crazy. That was a weird one.

That's like a movie. Well, the John Gotti one was a lot like a movie. Yeah. Because here was a guy. And to celebrate the parades in the streets from this from the neighborhood works and all that crazy shit and everybody loved the neighborhood because it was everybody was safe you know why this guy was the the Don yeah he would walk around these like super expensive suits and laugh and always look confident as hell big thick fucking like trying to fuck with me yeah it was always like like they're just bugging a guy for no reason. That was my favorite.

His favorite quote of mine is that, like, after it was all said and done, he said, all I ever wanted was a good sandwich. That was. That's what he said? That's what this was all about. This could have been resolved so much easier if he just went to a deli. Hey, just give me a sandwich. Give me a fucking sandwich.

Salami. Well, Putin is kind of that guy, but way bigger. Way bigger scale. He's, yeah. You know? And he's kind of that guy in Russia. Yeah. I mean, he just killed his fucking adversary.

Or somebody killed his adversary. Some guy who's the leader of the whatever other party. Of course. And you know, like, there's net, you know, they arrested people. One of the guys blew himself up, blew himself up. Yeah, they got the guy's apartment. He blew himself up. And there's never going to be a real investigation in this and in Russia today of like that, you know, you know, it's connected to him. Like the order came down. You think so? I don't think they'll put it together. No, not because they're not capable. It's just that more people would end up getting, you know, shot.

You definitely think it was Putin's idea to kill that guy. It's his idea. There's not going to be a recording of him saying it, but you know his camp is like... Yeah. For sure. I'm reserving judgment, but it certainly looks that way. What's really fascinating to me, one of the things that's really fascinating to me, is that this is only one thing that they do that's insane.

Yeah. But there's other things they do that's insane with super, super rich people. Where they accuse them of a crime, they go in, they take their businesses, they take all their money, and they put them in jail. And they did this to this really rich, wealthy Russian oligarch, and they had him in jail for a long time, man. And they recently released him. I think he was in jail for more more than eight years if I remember correctly but I remember the story getting out like this is the most insane story I've ever heard in my life this guy was some wealthy oil guy was worth you know billions US dollars and

they just came in and took this guy's business put him in jail and that's what they've done it several times it's not a one-time thing they do they just go in there whatever the dispute is they just decide that you're an enemy of the state or you're a you know you you're treason whatever crime they doctor up slap your ass in jail take all of your money and they just leave you in jail for a long time it's horrific it's insane yeah and imagine too like if you're just a regular citizen like like, you can't, how scary that is to live there, and you think, like, well, you know, start talking about it, like, make us think about it. It's like, no, you really don't. Like, then you also get thrown in jail or worse. You can't even speak up about it, you know?

Yeah, we don't really, we don't comprehend that, that feeling. It must be to completely live in fear. Yeah. And it's not that the, this is without a doubt, there's some organizations in this country, you don't have to name them, that have done horrific shit to U.S. citizens. People have been murdered. Things have happened, for sure, right? Yeah. We all agree that.

But it's nowhere near the scale that it is right now. Yeah. In Russia. Like whatever corruption you might think there is in America, and I would agree with you, there's a lot of corruption, but nothing compared to what's going on in Russia. Russia's nuts, man. Yeah.

That reminds me, like, I mean, I had a lot of Cuban friends when I lived in South Florida. Like, all their stories of their parents were like that, that, like, you know, Castro just they're like we had this successful whatever these stores and he just took our stores took our shit and was like it's not yours anymore yeah what the fuck man well that's what happens when you've got a guy who's essentially like a king yeah I mean he's an emperor I, he's like an emperor of Russia. Yeah. That's really what he's like, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's terrifying. What is that guy's life like? What do you think a reality show following Putin around for a day would be like?

Imagine if he, if he just decided to allow cameras to follow him around for a year and just show how he actually runs shit. If he gets so crazy

that he's like, look, I'll just show you all of it. You want to see what we do? Yeah, this guy is talking a lot of shit about me, so we're going to kill him. And then they send some guys out and they gun some dude down and everybody goes, okay, who's going to do something about this? Nobody? Nobody, yeah.

Are we going to do something about this? Like, what would the United States do? We thoroughly, what would they say what would they say we thoroughly disagree with mr putin's decision to murder his biggest critic what do we say yeah it would it would be a complete a statement of course we wouldn't do anything of course not and if we did do something then they would start talking about what well what about your drones what happened today was a terrible tragedy and. And we respect anyone's right to express themselves and say what they say and critique whomever they want to critique. And the solution is not dumping their body in rivers.

Thank you. Chopping them up and then dumping their body in rivers. Yeah, it's insane, man. I think a lot of his actions, too, it's all based in fear, too, you know? A lot of tough guy things, people think that guy's just this violent, crazy guy. They're all just scared. Oh, yeah. There's more scared.

He's the head of the Russian version of the CIA. KGB, yeah. Yeah. And he's still looking pretty good at 62 years old. He looks like the guy that you would think of when you think of a dangerous leader of a foreign country like Russia. Yeah. A dangerous hawk like and you know especially shirtless on horseback yeah that's the way to fucking roll well that was one of the things that what the fuck is his name um uh the dude from the born identity handsome bastard matt damon matt damon that's what matt

damon had said about sar Sarah Palin that was hilarious when it was talking about like Sarah Palin and uh her you know witty charm you know getting to uh folksy charm I think the term he used getting to become vice president with a guy as old as uh what the fuck is his name McCain John McCain John McCain was like in his 70s already right when he's running for president at or at least close to it. Like if he dies, and then she could possibly be across the table from Putin. They were talking about Sarah Palin and Putin sitting down. Well, Vlad, I got to tell you.

What you're doing to America is just wrong. And America, she's not going to stand for it. I'll tell you right now. Atlanta free, home of the brave. He would probably just rape her right there on TV Just punch her in the face and everybody scatters zero respect for her. Yeah. Oh my god. It could be World War three Yeah, I like that their culture like he never smiles, you know, that's considered like goofy and weak Yeah to smile a lot of Eastern Bloc. Well, he never gives you like a yeah

No, not like Obama Obama like has a wide open laughy smile like he's a jolly fellow yeah yeah for sure yeah that's considered goofy i wonder what they think about america i wonder what like the kgb type fellows that are running russia right now silly weak um guys smile too much yeah but do you like, I wonder what they think about the way their government works. I wonder if there's, like, is there a select group of people that all this money is getting evenly distributed to so that everybody, like, keeps their mouth shut? Or how many people are wanting to kill that guy? Are we going to have to deal with the guy who kills him someday? You know?

There's people that are all in for sure. And I think there's a lot of people that are just begging for things to change. Did you see that HBO documentary recently on gay people in Russia? No. That was tremendous. That was a really good documentary. How like, you know, they've written laws recently to like ban it. And like there's these groups of guys that are just out hunting gays and they like

to uh they like to bait them so they put like ads online and a guy poses that like i want to meet you and then when the guy shows up there's like 15 people and they hold them down and they like throw piss on them and they they uh put them on camera and make them like just mock them it's it's terrible and then they upload it and everybody watches it in the country so and a lot of times that guy who they're mocking would be would be a guy in the closet and like we'll lose his job family well they just humiliate them it's brutal it was brutal what do you think that is like what is this all of a sudden, especially, what is this new attention on gay people? I think it's because there's been a lot

of progress with gay, you know, gay rights, especially in the last 10 years. So when something like that's coming more to the forefront, you go like, dude, this can't, you know, the people that don't want it, the super homophobic people are going to act the way that they're acting. They're so scared that this is going to be their norm and that we're going to treat them like human beings, maybe even here, that they're like, no. Like, so they, you know, they start these organizations like a better, better family today group. You know, it's like we can't let these people be teachers and and and you know just live in our apartment buildings they're they're pariahs yeah so they you know they associate it's all the old shit like all gay people are pedophiles like all that shit

so but that is like thriving and huge in russia not just thriving but they're they're making laws against it yeah man they're making actively laws. Imagine if someone tried to actively make laws against gay people today in the United States. There would be a huge uproar throughout the country. What kind of uproar is there in Russia? I think it's one of those things where it's really rare to speak up against that. I think more people are probably in fear of saying something than doing what they know is the right thing to do. That's the thing, too, is like you have to empathize a lot with the person who, you know, is in that situation, who's not siding with that, but lives in that kind of culture. You're like, are you going to speak up like when you know what the response is gonna be you you want to say yes

and you want to be like yeah of course but it's a scary thing in a in a in an environment like that to to speak up and be like no i'm gonna say something wasn't that pussy but pussy riot went to jail for as well i think one of the things they went to jail for was protesting against the treatment of gays in russia i think so yeah that's one of the things where she was or they were inside of a church like they're yeah they did a lot of things but one of the things they did they were inside a church yeah there was another one they did they got beaten by belts did you ever see that one no oh there's crazy that mm-hmm yeah these soldiers show up security people whatever they were and they're they're they're like literally beating these girls with belts,

with like a whip thing. Dude. Yeah. They just beat the fuck out of them. Yeah, and it was when they were protesting. Here, I'll pull it up. Pussy riot protest. They were in the, a couple of them were in the new season of House of Cards.

Really? Yeah, they have a scene with the guy who's basically playing Putin on the show. Yeah? It's pretty, yeah. That show's phenomenal. Yeah, I need to watch that place, or watch that show, rather. I still haven't. You definitely have to start. I still haven't touched it.

From the beginning. That's one thing, for sure. I had to give up on Homeland last night. No good? The new season is, the beginning of it is just bumming me out. This chick is a... The thing about House of Cards is you've got to give it a few. But once you get started, like, it's...

You're roped in. Yeah, this is when they get beaten. What? Yeah, look, they put on... Their masks. These masks, I guess, and they do this thing. You know, like, they're dancing, and they come over and they get maced. See?

The cops come over and mace them, and then they beat the shit out of them. Look at this. look at these belt things they're whipping them oh shit they just start fucking them up he's whipping

a cameraman too yep everybody whipping everybody they're kicking everybody's ass and they're doing it like while they're being filmed

they don't give a fuck you know imagine if this was happening in America they're kicking her and shit they kicked her when she's down, man. These are security people. They're not even hiding the fact that they're thugs.

This is like total thug shit. They're kicking people when they're down, whipping them. It's not like security guards in America or police in America, if they did shit like that, they would get reprimanded. They would be like, hey, your violence is inappropriate violence. But if they sprayed them, they're allowed to spray them. You can hit them with a tear gas in the face. You can do a few things as far as restrain them,

but you can't kick them and whip them like that. It's pretty intense, man. I saw footage older, but still modern day, of Russian cops do not fuck around like and i mean like not for even just shit like this like standard crime stuff like if you're actually going after a guy who's whatever you know selling drugs or something that they they would normally send like these cops would like jump over a picnic table and kick a guy in the jaw like to bring him down like they don't fuck around i saw a footage of one uh a guy pulled over he was pulled over by the cops and the cop like knocked on the window

and the guy got gestured and then he took a baton and just smashed the whole window open wow drug the guy out of the car yeah i don't think in moscow you you fucking you talk back to cops i don't think that happens at all there it's it's it's uh it's not playing around meanwhile they live on the same planet as us right yeah they've been around longer than us way longer than us i mean what the fuck is going on in russia i don't know that's a war-torn place a lot of shit going on right all this crime do you know what's going on the crimea stuff do you understand that uh i mean i remember that um i mean i don't want to give a bad account of it but like this was territory that russia you know claimed a long time ago or what was theirs and then they just

straight up snagged that shit back from what is the ukraine right and um huge dispute over it obviously but putin and Russia is like, no. See, that's where it's fucked up. The Soviet Union, they all used to be in the same group. All together, yeah. They used to all be together. They were all one team. And now they're like going to war with each other.

That's like if we got rid of Texas. We're like, you know what? You guys can just be your own thing. Yeah. Oh, but we want the Rio Grande. Yeah. Get, get, yeah. No, that's ours.

Give us that shit back. We're going to take it back. No, that's ours. Give us that shit back. We want to take it back. Yeah, it's, yeah. We want Texas back. We should change our mind. Unchecked, I mean, I think Putin would do, would start taking

all kinds of places back. Yeah. Do you think he would go to war? Would he go to war with, like, the United States? No, there's, there's, I think even the craziest person, you know,

you always have the nuclear threat in the back of your mind. And do you want all-out war? I don't know. In this day and age, it's kind of hard to imagine. You know, but if he was just like, we're going to take, I don't know, fucking, we're going to. Russia. Yeah, if Russia's going to be like, we're going into Chechnya and going to fuck them up again like they have. And take the Republic of Georgia and all that

Shit, but if they say we got a bad deal with Alaska we want that shit Yeah, that's when it gets crazy. Yeah, if they find out how much oil is in Alaska and they just decide I mean, then there's some shit going on Antarctica where they're like claiming spots of land for I don't know about that aiming that it's Russia really sure Yeah, cuz it started on the outlet You know the snow caps are starting to melt. And so there's areas that are going to be open to travel with boats that weren't, that aren't open right now. So they're starting to claim these areas.

It's like old school, you know, colonial type shit. More war is inevitable. You know it's going to happen, you know. Well, I mean, what do you mean inevitable? It's going on right now. But I mean, like, even, like, whatever declines now, it's not like that would be the end of wars. It's just going to – it's an endless cycle. It just seems like it is.

This current design of human being that we're using. Yeah. And the fact that war results in – like the money is made. That's why – There's so much money involved in war. Yeah. made that's why there's so much money involved in yeah you see these con like just the companies you know that that make money does like take designing a a ship or a rocket that the u.s government likes they're like this is great we love this plane billions billions of dollars for

you yeah billions to you yeah make more awesome shit make it go around the world in one second. Can you do that? Make a gun that does what? You see that thing they have, the laser they're shooting? They can disable a car. No. They're shooting lasers through the hood of a truck and just fucking barbecues the engine. Really? Oh, it's nuts. It melts through the hood of a car.

I don't know how far it lasts, what the distance they're using these things, but they did a test demonstration of it, and shot through an engine block. You got that, Jamie? Look at this shit. What? Fired from a mile away. Lockheed Martin, see?

Dude, that's from a mile away. Did you see the boat one, where it's to get off pirates and stuff, and they shoot a boat, and it catches the boat on fire when it's coming ashore. Imagine what Lockheed is going to get for that. Like, when they go, well, you see what it does. Yeah. They could shoot through an engine block a mile away. This is insane.

We love your laser. Here's $19 billion. Fucking A, man. How weird is that? Yeah, it's incredible. Highest power ever documented by a laser weapon of its type. Wow. New York Stock Exchange info first.

You guys want to buy some stock? Isn't that funny? Yeah. Isn't that funny? Yeah. That's what it is. Lockheed Martin, N-Y-S-E, colon, L-M-T. It shows you.

That's the first fucking thing it shows you. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's amazing. And I want to buy some laser stock. That is LockheedMartin.com's Right. But that's a press release. The one when they did the boat. Yeah, they can do some crazy shit now.

And they're going to set those things up in space. So they'll just be in space. Star Wars. Floating above us. They'll just laser beam your fucking house into the ground. Unbelievable. Terrifying. Well, with drones now and with laser beams in the future, I just kind of wonder.

Got to wonder if we're going to be able to keep it together. Yeah. It's kind of amazing. No one's dropped a nuke since the 40s. I think it's amazing all the time. And that entire administration's goals, the entire thing that they're

number one goal a lot of times is just to keep other governments from getting one. That's the number one list. Number one on the list for dozens of governments is just keep Iran from developing one.

Yeah. Just keep that from happening. But meanwhile, Pakistan has them. Yeah, India. India has them. Yeah. I mean, they're neighbors. They're porting at each other, and they're neighbors.

Yeah. They're porting nukes at each other. It's terrifying. Who smells better? Whoa. Pakistan. Really? Why is that?

I don't know. India is more famous for their food, right? Indian food is way more popular. Yeah. More curry-like. But I think that they're... Probably similar. I have a Pakistani friend who said the food is very similar.

It's a trick question. Is it? They both stink like shit. How dare you? You don't even go over there. You don't even know this. You're talking shit. Yeah.

You know that yesterday I sat next to Serena Williams on my flight. Yeah, I saw that on your Instagram. That's amazing. I keep meeting awesome black people on planes. Like, it's out of control. What other awesome black people you met on planes? Bruce Bruce. Mike Tyson.

Wow, that's right. You met Mike Tyson on a plane. Serena, the number one. Mike Tyson became your buddy, right? Well, I mean. Do you text each other every now and again? No, not really. Should I text his way?

No. Still thinking about him? I tell him he's in my thoughts. Oh. You're in my thoughts and prayers. So Serena Williams was cool? Dude, the coolest. And that's arguably, you know, one of the most dominant,

if not most dominant female athlete of this generation. One of them, for sure. Is she the best? Is she the number one? Number one, yeah. Who's number two? Any white chicks? Oh, yeah.

In that mix? There's a bunch of... Europeans? Yeah, yeah. It's all Europeans, right? Ruskies. And Europeans are always in there. So she is...

That's interesting. She's so dominant, man. How many American female tennis players are there that are really famous? Well, if we're talking about over the course of history, there's been- Like right now. Right now? I really wouldn't know. I don't know.

Right. But this is what my point was. But Serena Williams is famous as fuck. But she's famous as fuck because she's such a winner. Right. Like she is dominant. Right. And she she and you

know a lot of female tennis players you know their decline have like they they peak early age wise you know the the female dominance in tennis sometimes happens teens and early 20s and she's 33 number one in the world still and still winning titles you know she ran from a drug test. No. Yeah, she hit herself. It was either her or her sister. Venus? Yeah, let me find out.

She ran into her safe room. She said she thought someone was breaking into the house. And it was a drug test people? Yeah. That's hilarious. Let me find out who it was. Yeah. It was Serena?

Yeah. Yeah, it was her. That's hilarious. You know what, man? I think it's one of those things. Serena Williams locks herself in a panic room in drug test mix-up. Whoopsies. Wow.

I thought you were a murderer. You were just a lab technician. That's hilarious. She probably knew she had, like, another six hours before she pissed clean. She got in there and started drinking vinegar and water. That's hilarious, man. Hiding in the safe room. Yeah.

Yeah, that is hilarious. She's an impressive athlete, man. She's an impressive athlete. I think it's one of those sports, much like track and field, that virtually everybody's doing something. In tennis? I didn't know about it in tennis, really. I really didn't. I think every competitive sport that's worth millions of dollars.

Yeah. There's so much money on the line. I think that's what they start looking at it. They start looking at it like, look, we have two options here. Either we do it and we test positive and we get fined or something goes wrong and we get shamed. Or we do it smart and nobody ever finds out and you make more money yeah did you watch it did you watch that armstrong documentary yeah the one on the one on netflix

yes yeah i remember being on this show uh a few years ago before you know he got he admitted and all that stuff and talking badly about him and being like and and getting a lot of messages from people that hated you that were really they're like he's never failed the test you idiot And talking badly about him and getting a lot of messages from people. That hated you. That were really, they were like, he's never failed a test, you fucking idiot. And they don't email me anymore. That's what they always say, too, when you ask them if they've ever done anything. They go, I've never failed a test.

That was his big thing. Yeah. Everybody says that. They always say that. I've never failed a test. Yeah. Like, that's not what I asked you. Yeah.

Did you ever take anything that enhances your performance? And I said, I've never failed a test. Yeah. It's so rampant now. You're right. In all sports. Immune to questioning. Yes.

It's rampant. Yeah. And in football, it's crazy. Yeah, without question. I just think it's a part of the sport of track and field. I think it's a part of the sport of cycling. It. I think it's a part of the sport of cycling. It's, it's at least appears to be a part of the sport of MMA. There's a guy who's running the California Athletic Commission right now. His name's Andy Foster. He's a very smart dude and he's doing a really smart thing. One of the things he's doing, first of all, he's, he's

got a long history in martial arts. He's actually fought himself. He's competed. He's been a martial artist for a long stretch of his life. So he's really aware of the culture. He understands it. And he decided after this last UFC to blood and piss test everybody instead of just doing like the people that are in the main card, instead of doing the blood tests on a select few in championship bouts because they're very expensive yeah like they cost as much as forty thousand dollars for each blood test what yeah so i don't know what the california state athletic commission did when they financed that i don't

know how much they paid for it and he didn't want to talk about it but what he does what did say was they were going to do comprehensive blood screenings of everyone that competed. And he goes, if there's anyone that's hiding something, we're going to find it. And if you're hiding something that you wouldn't detect with urine, we're going to find it with blood. Wow. And so most people didn't expect these tests. So we'll see what happens. Wow.

But, I mean, there's been so many people that have been caught in the UFC over the past few months and other MMA organizations. It's pretty hard to deny that it's an issue. Yeah. How much of an issue is it is the big question. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah. And, you know, and the more the testing will get more complex and more advanced. And then so will the next performance enhancing drug. You know, they just keep getting better at designing them. Yeah. And they have to get better at detecting them. But that cycle will never end. No.

Never end. Not while there's competitors who want to win, and there's lots of money on the line. It'll never end. Yeah. I think they're just going to keep figuring out new ways to manipulate the system. Yeah. New bath salts.

Yeah. New creams that you rub in. Yeah. You know they make weed bath salt now? No. Oh, yes, they do. And I don't mean bath salts like that smoky shit that makes me, you know, makes you crazy. Yeah.

I mean, bath salts like you put in the bath. Yeah, I saw you. You said you've been taking them a lot. You've been doing those a lot? I've been doing just regular Epsom salt. Epsom salt, yeah, yeah. And, you know, I have a tank, the isolation tank. Sure.

It's all Epsom salt, too, but it doesn't get hot. But you do the really hot one. Yeah, the baths, I get hot. And you feel much better after that? Oh, my God. It feels like everything is so loose and relaxed. Epsom salt is some old school shit, dude. They figured that out a long time ago.

And you do the cryo thing, too, right? Mm-hmm. All those things are good, dude. You got to be proactive with your health, Tommy Buns. All right. Proactive with your health. I got a trainer, man. I look forward to it.

You got a trainer that loves Jesus. That's true. Are you allowed to talk about him? Yeah, sure. In look forward to it. You got a trainer that loves Jesus. That's true. You allowed to talk about him? Yeah, sure. In great depth? I don't think he listens to the show. If he does,

he needs to know some shit. I got another guy for you. Don't worry about it. Okay, cool. So tell me what he does to you. He will just be, I hired a trainer, working out.

He's a good trainer. Knows his stuff. I'll say that. Works me out really working out. He's a good trainer, knows his stuff. I'll say that works me out really hard. I've really enjoyed it. I've been progressing. It's been good. Losing weight, getting strong, all that's good. Um, but then like, he'll just drop some Jesus Christ stuff on me sometimes.

I'm out of there. And, uh, yeah, well, you know what I, you know what I started to think about? I was like, I'd worked with different trainers, you know, over the course of my life. I feel like they all, a lot of trainers have like a weird, they always have like kind of something about their personality, you know? Yes. Some of them will like, you ask them one thing and they'll give you their philosophy on, you know, their life philosophy. And you're like, yeah, I just, are we doing another set? Like, you just kind of like, you know what I mean?

Like some of them will download about their love life like they have quirks and him it'll just be like in the middle of working out and then he'll be like uh you can stop there or when i went in i was like i had a respiratory thing and i go hey today can we just do like heavy but kind of not keep heart rate up really high so i'm not breathing because my lungs are bothering me he was like absolutely then we start working out and like i'm just running all over he's having me do box jumps and run and i'm just like thanks for ignoring me and he goes you know i i remember you said that but then you know you've been fine and like he won't let me push you too hard and i was like what and he goes like like if i was pushing you too hard, Jesus will go like, hey, hey, hey, hey, like, take it easy on him.

Jesus Christ, you got to get out of there. What are you talking about? Oh. All right, so next set. Like, should we just go to the next thing then? See, the thing I've learned about people is that when you ask questions at those moments is when they'll really take it to the next level. moments is when they'll really take it to the next level. So I'm very aware that by engaging that part of the conversation will lead to more of it. So what I do normally was when it comes up, I just, I'll go like, I'll nod and be like, yeah, all right, I'm gonna do this next one. And I'll

just move on because that's how it, that part of the conversation dies. And then it shifts to something else. Like, like I was leaving on, i went on like a little mini tour last week and right before i left i was with him and we had just finished the work and i was like yeah you know um i just uh just hope i you know i don't fall off too much on this week off i was basically baiting for like motivation and and like some type of game plan like try to cardio Thursday and maybe do you know this and that fry like that kind of thing right and so I was like yeah you know so I just hope my progress doesn't die down he goes well you know we always try to do stuff on our own but like the thing

is like if you if you ask Jesus for help he'll give it to you. And I was just like, I just want to know how many reps I should do on Friday. Did you write me up a program? Yeah. You can put all that Jesus stuff in there, too. Just highlight that part. And I go, yeah. And he goes, you know, we don't do anything on our own. He's there helping us, and he loves when we ask for help.

Black guy or white guy? White guy. And I go, all right, man. Ex-junkie or what yeah yeah hmm I guess crazy so what's the background well he's not out of his ex junkie X he's just X adrenaline got like everything adrenaline like everything but no but like I think drugs yeah everything yeah yeah good a nice guy too oh yeah I'm not a bunch of them that are But no, but I think drugs, alcohol, everything. Yeah. Yeah. Good. Nice guy, too. Oh, yeah.

I met a bunch of them that are nice guys. Very nice guy. And you can't deny the effectiveness of that, like, of using, like, religion in your life for a lot of people. Yes. It does work. And I believe in it. I think that it, you know, my whole thing is that I think it probably does, really does work and do something for him.

Yeah. And I don't, you know. Dude, it does something for a lot of people. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't mean it's real, but it's like a placebo. Should it be okay to sell someone a sugar pill and tell them that it cures cancer? No, but what if you do that and it cures their cancer? Right.

Right. Well, that's what religion is for a lot of folks. Like, there's a lot of people that if you tell them that the lord is watching over them that everything's going to be amazing they they have now that cover sure okay as long as i pay my homage to the lord pay my respects to the lord i do my praying i make sure i do that i'm covered god's gonna make sure everything's cool yeah and that alone will give you like a certain a certain amount of relaxation, a certain amount of. A big part of why it doesn't, like, really freak me out is that my mother's pretty much

exactly like that. Oh, okay. So, you know, like. You're around it. Yeah. She's dialed it back to me because she's like, you're 35 and you're still not doing it. But she's, you know. But, like, I grew up with, like, you know, rosaries everywhere, crosses everywhere.

You know, if we take a 10 minute car ride, she's like, let's play the rosary. And like, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah. Play the rosary? I'm sorry, pray the rosary. Oh, pray the rosary. On a 10 minute car ride. Like what do you do during these 10 minute car rides? What do you have to do?

Like, you know, Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys and then another Our Father and then 10 Hail Marys. You do 50 Hail Marys because it's a 10 or 15 minute car ride yeah yeah pray before meals you know that kind of stuff and then she's like

if I tell her like you know hey this is great I just sold out this show in Atlanta it was great and she's like

did you thank God and I'm like I was about to I called you first you know did I ever tell you this story about how she's like did you thank God I'm like I was about to I called you You know every tell you the story about how sweet there's this girl in college that I thought was into me But she was really just trying to get me to go to one of these Christian retreats. No Was such adult This really hot Puerto Rican girl who wore glasses. Oh she was really she was really sexy and

really hot Puerto Rican girl who wore glasses. She was really, she was really sexy. And, uh, I was so, I had no idea what was going on. I thought like this girl wants me to join her and her friends and party. So we're all hanging out. Um, we're in class and she was constantly trying to get me to go to these things and I couldn't do it because back then a lot of times I was fighting in tournaments. So I was, uh, talking to her talking to her and um no no subject of religion no no topics were brought it was just normal life stuff there's no religion never even it was never hey come out to these parties we're gonna have a christian get together um it was just normal talk and then one day we were at a cafeteria during lunch and I came in and I sat down and I said, did you guys hear that there was a plane crash landed at the airport?

And they're like, oh no, what happened? Was anyone hurt? And I go, no, no, the front landing gear didn't go down. It had a skid, but everybody was fine. And so they all go, praise God. Oh, praise God. I went, huh. All of them?

Oh no. And then I just started like, oh, praise God. I went, Huh! All of them? Oh, no! And then I just started like, oh, you idiot. You thought she thought you were hot. She's just trying to suck you into the cult. Yeah. And so, I go, uh, praise God? You think God had something to do with that? It was just like the, if God was around, like, why wouldn't he make the landing

gear come back out? Like, why would he just make everybody be okay? Because the landing gear didn't work. Wouldn't he fix the landing gear so everybody didn't die he likes mechanical things he does stuff and I forget what the response was but they were they were very upset with me yeah and we got into this religious conversation so I'm like so you guys are like super religious and like I had to know like what was going on so I go so what are these parties what do you guys do well we get together and we talk about the Lord and we like to bring other people into the Lord so they understand

how we feel about the Lord because a lot of people they just don't have exposure to the Lord I was like oh damn it yeah meanwhile she was hot I think she was dirty when she was younger and she's trying to make up for the dirtiness she just smelled like sex and I mean I don't mean like staggab yeah I mean like she was like sexy. Yeah. God. And she was like the little coyote that they would put out that's in heat and tricks dogs into going out into the woods and the other coyotes jump them and eat them. That's what she was. Really?

Yeah. Glasses, sexy, recruiting dudes. That works. Would you, you know, and it was like down the Cape. So it was like a significant trip. You had to go and stay with them and hang out for the weekend I was like what are you guys gonna do yeah we have this party it's gonna be really amazing a lot of our friends come down I sat next to a girl on a flight who had a book about st. Peter and I was

like oh we started talking about the book and then we started talking about you know Christ and she was she was I started asking her more questions and she goes yeah you know like I just came to was i started asking her more questions and she goes yeah you know like um i just came to this kind of conclusion that was it was difficult but like if you don't accept christ you know like you'll definitely go to hell and i go uh i go well one of my first thoughts if you if you say that it would be like, what about all the Jews and Muslims in the world? And she goes, they're going to hell. And I was like, Jesus, that's really intense.

You think they all will go to hell? She goes, unfortunately, unless they accept Christ, they will. What a fucking crazy reality to have in your head. Wow. That's the reality you walk around with everywhere you go. You're like, excuse me, you must listen to me. You must listen to me. Maybe you know me. My name is Kirk Cameron.

And I'm here to tell you that if you don't listen to me and listen to the Lord, you're going to go to hell. You're going to fry. There's no air conditioning. And it's fucking hot. There's going to be demons. They stick forks up your asshole. You're going to go to hell. When you take it there, it's fucking hot. There's going to be demons. They stick forks up your asshole. You're going to go to hell. Yeah.

When you take it there, it's like, all right, let's be done with this. Have you ever seen that? There's an ancient Italian painting that's on the roof of some cathedral. And it's all like the rooftop painting represents like heaven and all the way down to hell. And the outskirts, like the bottom layer, represents hell. And there's actual demons and people that are down there getting tortured by demons. In the painting? Yes.

And the demons are shoving, like, pitchforks up people's asses. No. Yeah. Jamie will find it. Look at this. Sistine Chapel. Sistine Chapel. That's in the Sistine Chapel. Sistine Chapel. That's in the Sistine Chapel?

Dude, those are demons. And it's just one of them. I mean, they exist. These kind of images exist on several different paintings. Look. It's fucking demons in hell. They're getting dragged. Whoa.

I don't even know if that's the only one. Because I don't see the pitchfork up the ass one. There's another one. Check to see if you can find some other ones. But look at that demon, man. Now, how come there's no creepy fucker in the middle? Where, like, that happens. Then you go, okay, okay, okay.

I accept. I'm with you now. Nope. Too late. God damn it. I mean, sorry. Well, it's because it was written by morons. Like, it doesn't make any sense.

It does make no sense. Why would God only tell those people? How about tell us, too? If God came down and told us how to live, we would all be like, okay. Okay, you're right there. Now we know. Oh, we have to be told by our grandparents. It's called having faith.

That's what you always get. You gotta have faith, faith, faith. Baby. Oh, by the way, another awesome black person. George Michaels is not. I know. But when I got off the plane yesterday, Deion Sanders was right there. Really?

If he hadn't been on the phone standing next to whom I believe was his daughter, I would have totally. I did throw out like a, sup, Prime. And he was in the middle of a conversation on his phone. So I knew like, no, don't like, like, hey, man. But he was like talking to somebody. I go, phone so i knew like no don't like like hey man but he was like talking to somebody i go sup prime i stuck out my hand but he's like yeah so he's like all right man so that's cool he kept talking yeah that's cool that's cool that's good as long as it's not a line of people trying to take selfies no no no you started a

little selfie rumble i wouldn't do that to Neon Dion. That's beautiful. This thing that you do on your podcast, which is a hilarious podcast to do. I really enjoyed that. It was a lot of fun. The best time with you. We had a great time. It was fun. It's called Your Mom's House. And you guys, you do it.

You have live shows, which I still have to see because I keep hearing amazing things about them. I get a lot of Twitter messages from people that have seen your live shows. It's so fun. We're doing it this Sunday in San Francisco at Cobbs. Oh, shit. You guys have a bunch of games that you play. Yeah. You play segments.

One of them was Black or Tom. Yeah, Tom or Black. Tom or Black, where you imitate black people, and then you have actual recordings of black people talking. Yes. Did anybody ever call you racist for that? Sure. What's the argument?

What do they say? Do they say black people don't really talk like that? It's really... Or some black people don't really talk like that? No, to be honest with you, it's very minimal. It's not a lot of people say that. Really? Well, I think that like

i think people really know intent i think people really gauge oh that's hilarious are you online do you read twitter well no i'm saying like as far as like a listener of our show right i don't think that they go you're being super racist i think that they like to me uh for for doing the game and doing like a black voice but it's not the listeners of your show that they like to me for doing the game and doing like a black voice But it's not the listeners of your show that you have to worry about it's right people find out about your show We're not listeners then think it's cute to write a salon.com article everything that's wrong with podcasting your mom's house. Yeah Racist-homophobic, you know fart worshiping. Yeah I mean on my special my special has I don't do the game, but I basically have a bit that's kind of in line with that.

Right. Talk about shouting black at black people and trying to trick them. Right. So and how I did it to Big Daddy Kane one time. So, like, I have a bit about that. And of course, like if you go and you read some of the reviews, people like this was super racist. This guy did that. I think they're silly. I think they're nonsense. I think most people get that, like, you know, that bit came out of, like, it's really out of, like, love. It's out of, like, total, from my point of view, like, adoration of black. Big Daddy Kane. Big Daddy Kane and black pop culture.

Absolutely. That's true. You're a big rap fan. Yeah, I think people pick up on that. I think they do. Well, anybody who knows you knows you're not a racist. Anybody who listens to your podcast

knows that you love to be silly. Of course. It's a very silly show. Yeah, you and your wife are both ridiculously silly in your show. Out of all the comic couples that I know, you guys are without a doubt the best, but also the best together.

You're not just funny people that happen to be married to each other. You guys work off each other really well. We have a really good chemistry. You guys are hilarious. It's so fun. But that black or Tom or Tom or black thing, that's one of those things where we're like, are we pretending that there aren't black people that talk like that? What are these videos that we're watching?

You watch Pimps Up, Hoes Down. Who are these people? Are they actors? Is this a role? Is this preposterous? It's insane. It's one of those things, too, where it's like, the person that does that goes,

black people don't talk like that, right? They'd be like, you're making a mockery. And I go, my response would be like, well, you're right that all black people don't talk like that. But, you know, some black people somewhere do, like, what's up, playboy? I'm going to holler at you later. There's a guy who talks like that, for sure. But it's cute that you're not allowed to do it because of the color of your skin.

Right. Because of where your parents were born or whatever. But a black guy could do the exact same voice the exact same way. All white guys are like, hey. or whatever, but a black guy could do the exact same voice the exact same way. All white guys are like, hey. Richard Pryor started that off. And then how many black comics did that after that? They did it bad.

Whoa. Because Pryor was much more subtle. My mom, she's a great old gal. Right, right, right. I mean, nobody had really done that back then when he was doing it, you know? Yeah, I did a bit about the first 48 where like you know it's i break down the show right and how there's some really aggressive black guys on that show yelling crazy shit and i do an impression of it dude i the the biggest response of like positive flipping out holy shit reaction was always in crowds where there's a lot of black people yeah because they're not offended by they're not offended they know it's true yeah

and if also someone's secure yeah they're they're not gonna worry like what are you saying we're all like that yeah what kind of crazy person says you're all like that of course you know everything else you've you've you've saw all this other material you laughed at all this other you saw this other insight and you think oh but this other insight, and you think, oh, but it's all just a trick to get you to laugh at some racist shit, because I'm a racist. Yeah, and I think that black people who really flipped out and loved that bit were doing it because they were like, yeah, they've seen the first 48, and they know exactly what I'm highlighting. They know what I'm making fun of.

If you were black, you could do it with no problem. Absolutely. But if you're white, you can do white voices you can do like no no one ever gets mad at you doing a redneck voice 100 but black people could do the redneck voice too right that's a difference that is true they can mock rednecks all day long no one says a peep no one cares no one cares yeah anybody can mock rednecks rednecks mock themselves yeah jeff foxworthy you might be a redneck if your mama and your daddy live in the yeah of course yeah you might be a redneck you know it's mocking rednecks nobody cares yeah because he's white if your uncle's

trousers are in the yard yeah but if he was black yeah still nobody would care true like black people are they have full license to make fun of white people in white culture yeah sure i think we all kind of accept that right i mean like that's there's no argument against it because and part of it is because you know like the the kind of the the ladder the socio-economic ladder so it's like if you're a white male you're automatically perceived as you have it the best right so like you making you have to be it's like if you're a white male you're automatically perceived as you have it the best right so like you making you have to be it's but it's about like what you're making fun of you can make fun of the other races or you can make a joke involving race but like what's your

angle on it if you're just like you know fucking these people are just dumb like that's going to be a racist thing to say but if you're're making a point, like there's some joke, something you're specifying, then I think you can accept the joke, you know? Also, when it comes to, like, super progressive or liberal people, there's always this mindset you're supposed to punch up. So the minorities punching up at the white people would always be the correct thing. Right. It's always allowed. Yes, yes. But, like, a perfect example, like a famous person.

Like, anyone can mock a famous person, but but the famous person mocks a regular person like what if kim kardashian just went to some girl's instagram page and started shitting on her and making youtube videos about her feet and like look how ugly you are bitch look at your ugly baby people would freak the fuck out but you read the stuff that women write to her yeah they use their own facebook profile they feel totally free to do this. They're not worried at all. Oh, my God. Just go to the mentions.

The mentions under a Kim Kardashian tweet. Any tweet. It's brutal. The Instagram. There was an Instagram of her with her daughter, but she had cropped her daughter's face out. It was just her holding her daughter. And the fucking hate. The people that just hated on her.

LOL. Thank you for giving me another reason to hate your fucking retarded stupid ass like like just saying evil shit Why'd you crop your daughter out you fucking skanky bitch and like all this like crazy shit would be great By the way if she started making videos, yeah I'm fun of just find someone focus on one of those girls who said that one thing to make and just Open up about it Yeah, just start a Facebook page. Yeah, and we pull up into a mansion in her Bentley and go come on inside I want to show you one of my favorite people on the internet and go this girl Fucking shit on her. It'd be hilarious go crazy

Yeah, people that would never defend her in a million years would go crazy. Yeah, she attacks someone on the internet Yeah, she's just like Amanda 8-1-1 I'm gonna make a special video just about you you stupid bitch and then just slayed her Oh my god public support, but she's supposed to eat it. She's supposed to eat it and say nothing because she's famous and She's above she's like thought to be privileged. Do you respond? Do you have any reaction anymore? It's a hatred Oh, it's not worth it most of the time. Yeah. I just block them.

Just block them? Ignore them or block them, depending on how egregious it is. It was just super. Like, sometimes you go to someone's Twitter page, and it's like all they've been doing for the last year is hating on you. Yeah. And you didn't even know it until now. I almost feel like I have this feeling where, like, part of me goes, you know, I think they want the block. So they can say they can I got black so I just I don't I go just no response is the best like

you don't even yeah but then you know they'll interact with you again like you can I get but if you don't respond at all it's just a one-way interaction that's what it is most of the time yeah I'm gonna I definitely don't respond yeah if I do respond if by, someone might think something incorrectly. They might be upset at me for something. Maybe they got wrong. Maybe I'll respond if I feel like I'm going to get it. But if they're shitty and insulting,

why would I bother? You choose who you communicate with. I'm not shitty and insulting to you. If you come out of the gate, even if I say something that you disagree with, if you just start insulting me, like right off the bat, well, we're not communicating because I don't even know you. Right.

You might have a point. I might listen to that point if you weren't a cunt. Right. But if you just come right at me with that, why bother? There's plenty of people in this world. It's game over. There's a lot of people. There's no need to like, there's great criticism that you can get from people that are thinking,

thoughtful people. It helps you form opinions. There's a lot of smart people that you don't from people that are thinking, thoughtful people. It helps you form opinions. There's a lot of smart people that you don't know. You haven't met them. They have a different point of view. It's great. It's one of the beautiful things about the internet.

But the cunts, just don't bother. There's not enough time. There's not enough time. I agree. You just can't. But that's something you learn. You know, you learn from, like, I had this guy John Wayne Parr on the other day. He's a multiple-time world Muay Thai champion, super tough guy. You would think, this is the kind of guy that doesn't give a fuck.

He's texting me. He's like, God, all these fucking assholes on Twitter and YouTube. It's funny. Just people being mean, talking shit about him. Well, somebody like that probably does. As a comedian, you're used to rejection more, especially with the way that social media developed, you know, like YouTube and Netflix. There's a forum for people to go like, you suck.

Right. So after a while, when you see those, they don't affect you as much. You know, you build up a bit of a tolerance to it. But I bet somebody that comes on your show that maybe is accomplished and well known but maybe doesn't have a big social media presence when they first get those you're the fucking dumbest person ever oh yeah text they're like what the fuck you know the biggest one was uh well he was a pretty big john is a big one because first of all john wayne part although he's a multiple time world muay thai champion he's a

really sweet guy sure Sure. Super nice. And he would never be like that. He would never think of insulting someone like that. So when someone does it to him, he's like, fuck. What's going on? Yeah. Fuck. Where is this coming from?

But they don't get that experience, that weird public eye experience that you get when you hit them with 1.5 million Twitter followers. Yeah. You tweet something like that, and they feel that wave of people, and a certain amount of them are just going to be shitheads. For sure.

If you have 100,000 people view a tweet, which is very possible when you've got 1.5 million Twitter followers, 100,000 people looking at a tweet, man, you're going to get a few hundred complete fuckheads. Yeah. You're just going to. It's just like you pull a net, you're going to get a certain type of fish. if you drag a net across a mile of ocean you're gonna get a cross

section of all the fish that are in the ocean if you does in that area yeah you're gonna get assholes yeah true true true but just don't interact with them it's like there's no point and if you're that person if your person is just lashing out at someone like that and insulting unless it's funny some people are pretty funny yeah if they're funny they get a pass if you're that person, if your person is just lashing out at someone like that and insulting, unless it's funny. Some people are pretty funny. Yeah. If they're funny, they get a pass. If you're funny, you get a pass.

But if you're just. If you're doing it to be funny. If you're just raging, like, you always know that it's never about what they're screaming about. There's something else going on in that person's life to put that kind of energy into just spewing venom at people, you know. Well, it's ineffective, first of all. It might be effective. You might think it's effective. You see someone on the top of a pedestal, like Kim Kardashian, like that fucking bitch in her Gucci underwear,

and you want to attack her, but she's still her. Yeah. She's still her. You're still you. And all that energy you spent hating on someone who doesn't even know you're alive could have been spent on improving your own life. Right.

And you don't feel better. You never feel better. You don't. You could feel better if it was funny own life. Right, and you don't feel better. You never feel better. You don't. Could feel better if it was funny, though. If it was funny. But if you're just like, if I hate you, bitch, you stupid cunt, all that stuff is like, whatever.

Well, it's just people that don't understand what's going on, and one day all that shit is going to come out. There's going to come a point in time where you're not going to be able to do that. It's not going to be as easy as just attacking someone anonymously. You're going to be exposed for the stuff that you write or who you are, what your presence is.

The weird thing is kids today, they're also going to be responsible for things. Maybe if a kid today is 21 and they've got some crazy Instagram page and they're going fucking buck wild, and then one day they're 27 27 28 and they have a respectable job and they've got their shit together and they've moved on with their life but this fucking internet man these pictures are still out it happens now why do you have underwear on your head man yeah you're gonna be the ceo of this company you've got a picture with you you're drunk give underwear over your head is your friend blowing you or is he pretending to blow you he's pretending to blow

you the photos are less of an issue for people than the comments like if you write some shit oh you write mean shit oh yeah there's been cops that like have a you know they have their online alias and then somebody finds out and they're like look what this guy has been commenting on things and then that's it you're done did you see the guy who has zero zero criminal record and he's facing a potential life imprisonment for flashing gang signs on social media. Pull that up, Jamie. Yeah. It is fucking bizarre. Like, 2015 in America, there is a guy with no criminal record.

Nothing. He hasn't done anything. They arrest him for throwing gang signs up. What? Because they say that he's affiliated with some gang. Pow, boom. I feel like that's... Look at this.

San Diego man with no criminal record faces life in prison for flashing gang signs on Facebook. How old is this gentleman, first of all? Let's look at that right there. I'm not sure.vey and the rapper his name is aaron harvey and 14 other men including rapper tiny do were charged under an obscure california law accusing them of conspiring with gang members who shot nine people in 2013 to early 2014 what the fuck find out how old that gentleman is. I mean, you're hanging out with your friends,

and they're throwing gang signs. You don't want to get beat up. You might throw a gang sign up, too, for Facebook. That's completely ridiculous, man. What is the video down there? What does that say? Let's hear what he says. A real-life experience on how police stops happen in my community.

Me and my family have been living in the southeast community, specifically the Lincoln Park community, since the mid-50s. I've had multiple jobs, no criminal record, but the police continuously stop us. And it's not specifically on driving. I understand you guys have the numbers on driving. The majority of stops happen when people are either in front of their parents' house or a friend's house or while walking. So I believe I've been stopped just off the top of my head since I was 14. I'm 26 now over 50-something times. That's crazy. Again, I do not have a criminal record. I believe only one citation was ever given. He said I did turn on my blinker

within 100 feet of turning. One of these stops was in front of my grandmother's house. Police officer drives by. He waves. I wave back. Not doing anything. I'm on my property.

He pulls up. Immediately I'm put in handcuffs. I don't know why. I'm asking why. You know why. Why are you guys on my property? He tells me if the mailmen come on your property without permission so can we. They go on my wallet. They find that I'm a trained emergency medical technician. The sergeant tells me, oh wow, no, you're working too close to us. We're going to have to do something about this. Immediately, I moved to the state of Las Vegas. I'm in fear. And our communities live in fear of the police because of these things. And because of these numerous stops of no crimes being committed just mere stops of being in front of my grandmother's house of parents house of just hanging out the police are falsely documented as a gang

member and because I'm documented as a gang member the San Diego Police Department now I'm liable or eligible of this proposition law, Proposition 21, Penal Code 182.5, and right now I'm facing life in prison with no knowledge of these crimes being committed or anything. So I believe the problem is

it is the profile. And when you're pulled over while driving, the police will say, well, why am I being pulled over? Well, I'll tell you in a minute. But get out the car. Well, there you go. I think I believe him, and I think

you need to use his voice for Tom or Black. I think this would be a good one for you. Did you see... There goes all my Black jokes now. Thanks for depressing us. Did you see the Department of Justice report on Ferguson? What is that? Oh, dude, you got to see this.

Really? Pull it up. So after the Michael Brown shooting and there was no indictment of police officer Darren Wilson, the attorney general went down and said, we're going to investigate what happened. It's going to take a little while. So they have a Department of Justice investigated and they found just so much racism in that department. Like the stats are alarming. It's like, you know, 67 percent of the population is black, but like arrests 88 percent of the time are black. Press, 88% of the time are black.

And the comparison to the white stats, statistically, it's one of the most damning reports you'll ever see. Does it take into account white people just being awesome? It doesn't. But, like, smiles, it takes into account how awesome our smiles are. But there's less contrast with our teeth, so they're not as dramatic. Yeah, exactly. We don't get enough credit for our smiles and our eyes. Dude, like, how often black people were arrested there? Hold on, look at this.

Its report detailed how Ferguson operated a vertically integrated system from street cop to court clerk to judge to city administrator to city council to raise revenue for the city budget through increased ticketing and fining whoa it but the dude the stats are the craziest like um like all all the arrests uh or black people were at such a disproportionate you know disadvantage um as far as like how often they were arrested when they were not doing anything and like no contraband walking down the street like that guy said versus like the white a white person was it's not even comparable really how often force was used like you know ten to one black to white like it's crazy

stats cheese every time a dog has bitten a person in Ferguson since the report was put together, all 100% black. Like, all the, it's just so blatant. To be fair, though, the whole town is pretty much black, though. Well, I think they said it was 67%, right? Well, there's a good New York Post report on it where they pretty much went through it and pretty much said that's why this is this. And it's not as racist as you think. Well, you know what?

Quit crying then. But, I mean, I'm sure it is. Well, we've talked about this a hundred times before. If you're in a bad neighborhood, you grew up in a bad neighborhood, you have families that have been involved in crime. It's a system that you're in a bad neighborhood, you grew up in a bad neighborhood, you have families that have been involved in crime, it's a system that you're stuck in. Whether it's some sort of grand conspiracy, which some people claim, or just some inescapable sort of momentous thing where you've got momentum on your side, or against you, rather. You know, momentum of your family, your neighborhood, the kids you grew up with, all these people involved in crime, that momentum is very, very difficult to break. It's very difficult to get a fresh start. So thinking that anyone who grows up in those environments

should have to behave exactly the same way without any consideration for how they've been developed and grown up in comparison to a guy like Tommy Bunz who had it light walking around in Florida with fucking shorts on. You know what I'm saying? Sandals, too. Did you? Sometimes. Let those feet fly.

Do you want to hear some of these stats? Sure. They're pretty crazy. All right. Despite making up 67% of the population, African Americans accounted for 85% of traffic stops, 90% of citations, so that goes back to the money thing, and 93% of Ferguson Police Department arrests from 2012 to 2014.

That's, I mean... They probably have to occasionally arrest a white person just for a goof. Of African Americans, 2.07 times more likely to be searched during a vehicular stop, but are 26% Less likely to have counterbond found on them look at this the the statistics don't prove racism because blacks don't commit traffic offenses at the same rate as other population groups It's pretty and so what they're trying to say that's a really nice way of saying black people cause more crime That's what they're saying what they're saying. It doesn't prove racism because black people just cause more crime. That's what they're saying. What they're saying, it doesn't prove racism because black people just cause more crime.

That's what they're saying. Blacks are 31% more likely than whites to be pulled over for a traffic stop. Nationwide. Nationwide. That's pretty incredible. So, Ferguson being a black majority town, if it's blacks who are pulled over at the same rate as blacks nationally, they'd account for 87.5% of the traffic stops. So, it's racist even by that standard. This one's pretty amazing. African Americans account for 95%

of manner of walking charges. Manner of walking? Hold on. There's a manner of walking charge? 94% of all fail to comply charges, 92% of resisting arrest, 92% of peace disturbance and 89% of failure to obey what about pimp strutton?

99.9% Really a law you're not allowed to walk a certain way manner of manner of walking I think that's like that falls into like that jaywalking stuff like all this boy come on man manner of walking You're calling something manner of walking? I don't like the way you lean to the left. How about you be a little more fucking specific? Manner of walking charges? That's pretty crazy.

Jamie, Google manner of walking charges. Tell us what manner of walking charges entail. I don't know. Even jaywalking is fucking goofy.

It's not real. It's not real. They bag people in Hollywood for jaywalking all the time. I've seen it. People cross Sunset. They're people in Hollywood for jaywalking all the time. I've seen it. People cross Sunset. They're trying to keep people from dying. All these texting assholes out here.

They're already going up on sidewalks. They are, yeah. You know what they could do? They could just send sugar around and make sure people don't jaywalk. I don't think he's around right now. I think he's busy in jail. He's pretty busy. After that video, he's pretty fucked though, right?

Wouldn't you assume? Yeah, that's pretty bad. But maybe not if they could prove that guy had a gun. Yeah, it'd be funny if they pulled the... One of the gas pedals. There's a thing. I don't think he was saying that. He said he really didn't know.

He said he was in fear of his life, right? Yeah, he might have been. I don't know, man. I think that's probably gonna... Now, if Robert Durst had been driving that. I don't know, man. I think that's probably going to... Now, if Robert Durst had been driving that truck, that'd be something else. Innocuous municipal code requires pedestrians to walk on the sidewalks or close to the side of the road whenever possible. Its intent is to make sure people don't block a road. But according to a federal report, police have routinely used the law for another purpose, to fine and harass blacks.

I don't like how they wrote blacks. How about black people? Okay, they're not blacks. They're black people. African Americans accounted for 95% of manner of walking along roadway charges from 2011 to 2013. 95%. Wow. And that's nationwide?

No, this is Ferguson. We called it Walking Black. Walking Black. You would leave out of your house to go to the store and you might not make it back. Wow. What a fucked up place. They stalk you and stop you, he said. They will say, hey, what's

your name? Got any warrants? Why are you strolling through the neighborhood? Come here. You look suspicious. What the fuck, fuck man see that that is just crazy that they in that they actually somehow another that fuels the system and that by finding people and arresting people and all that it's somehow another fuels the system that's slavery i mean that's really a style of slavery well yeah these stats i mean i think they probably have to feel black people in Ferguson probably feel really validated after, you know, after all the marching and then people being like

and people, because, you know, people were like, come on. This is ridiculous. We're just whining. This is not whining. No. 94% of all failure to comply charges were filed against blacks. The whole thing of walking down the road and people pull up and start asking questions like that.

Unless you're doing something wrong, leave me the fuck alone. Of course. That's what America's all about. Well, that's the thing is that we do get left alone. Yeah, we do get left alone. And that's what it should be. Right.

That happened to me the other day, though. Look at you. I was on my own property. You got that thug kind of look at you. Look at you, dude. What happened? You're sagging? Are you sagging?

Police just came up. I was getting out of my car. Really? And the cop's like, what are you doing, man? I'm like, getting in, going into my house,

had my book bag. And he goes, let me see your ID. I'm like, why are you at my house right now? And he made me like show him his license and stuff. And,

and it was all my, he's just like, you just look weird, man. You have a book bag. You're going into your house. You're not two in the morning. That is so fucking bizarre. And I, I filmed the whole thing. I just took out my phone and just go, why are look weird, man. You have a book bag. You're going into your house. You're not two in the morning. That is so fucking bizarre. And I filmed the whole thing.

I just took out my phone and just go, why are you making me? This is like months ago. You deleted it? No, it's at home. I can find it for you. I just don't want to start a fight with Glendale Burton. I asked Ari, and I have to ask you, is it okay if I upload the video of you two arguing about American Sniper? Yeah, of course.

Of course. I just don't want to be rude. Oh, no, that's video of you two arguing about American Sniper? Yeah, of course. Of course. I just don't want to be rude. Oh, no, that's nice of you. Yeah, no, I don't mind. It's good for you, but not good for Ari. America is going to be very upset at his lack of patriotism. Look, let's just put it this way, guys. The hero, Chris Kyle.

Here's the truth. Shroomfest has side effects. And good old Ari. I'll do my impression of Ari. It's a fucking terrible movie! This is a fake baby! He's like, they go, you know, he says, they're going to war, and they're like, oh, let's go to war. My favorite.

That's entirely true. They go, let's go to war. I'll play it, man. What are you talking about? And then he goes, yeah, like, he goes goes, yeah, Bradley Cooper did like a good impression of The guy I'm like, well, that's the fucking gig asshole. Like if you're an actor, it's like can you do a good impression? Like he's like The fact that they didn't show him getting shot was actually a good choice

To our 17 minute movie and then at the're like, he was killed that day in writing? Listen, you communist fuck. You get to show four tours of duty, they show his whole training, 40 minute training thing for no reason. Training for 40 minutes of the movie. Training? Why training?

Because you're seeing how hard it is to become a SEAL. You mean no reason? It's a different story! It's his story. It's a character't think he didn't feel it at all there was not a moment where i was like lost in it was like wow you're really feeling tough being back home now all can try you see him breaking down he has ptsd hey but paul he was defending me is that true son yeah because you have a black eye obviously that's beautiful Because you have a black eye, obviously.

That's beautiful. Of course. Please. It was so fun to be there, Dan. That was a fun night. I really enjoyed it. I think that night, yeah, that night, by the way, that was you? Miss Pat.

Miss Pat, but she was hanging, which was cool. But on stage, Joey, Burr, Ari, and myself. That was one of the most fun lineups I've ever been a part of. That shit was murderous. That was pretty crazy. That was murderous. That place was worn to the ground by the time. When the people left out of there, they were wiping their forehead. Fucking 25-minute sets or longer.

Yeah, everybody did 25 minutes somewhere around, man. It was a long show. It was chaos, man. They're beautiful. This place is the best. And we're on Ari's show. This Thursday night. This Thursday.

You and I are on the same episode. Yay. And Christella Alonzo, we each tell a story on Ari Shafir's This Is Not Happening. 12.30 a.m. Thursday night. Don't look for it Wednesday at 12.30 a.m. Don't be an asshole. You know what I'm talking about. You're up on Thursday. You stay up. Figure out clocks. It becomes 12.30 a.m. Don't be an asshole. You know what I'm talking about. You're up on Thursday.

You stay up. Figure out clocks. It becomes 12.30 a.m. Yeah, it's technically Friday. You should shut the fuck up and understand how America works. It's 12.30 a.m. I'm awake, bitch. It's 4 o'clock in the morning.

It's not 4 o'clock in the morning the next day. 4 o'clock in the morning, Saturday night. You know why it's Saturday night? Because I'm still out. I'm out, man. Okay, I'm out. This is fucking Saturday night. This is midday for me, buddy. Yeah, that's Thursday night. You know why it's Saturday night? Because I'm still out. I'm out, man. Okay, I'm out. This is fucking Saturday night. This is midday for me, buddy.

Yeah, that's Thursday night. I don't know if I, I haven't seen it, so I'm excited to see whether, I did that taping for this episode the day I got back from Hong Kong, or like the night. So I am on, like I fell asleep in the green room there sitting up like and somebody was like hey man and i stood up and i started to like i was so jet lagged crazy but i still had a blast it was you know those crowds are amazing yeah and his new special which is not his new special it's actually his last special uh airs this friday night too um that's uh what's that one called that's called uh passive aggressive passive aggressive yeah passive aggressive airs this Friday night, too. That's... What's that one called again? That's called Passive Aggressive.

Passive Aggressive. Passive Aggressive airs Friday. You could still get his other special, which is fucking awesome, which is called Paid Regular, which you could get that one on Comedy Central Direct. You could also...

It airs occasionally. You know, they replay those things sometimes. So check your local listings, you fucks. Yeah. Fuck faces. Cunts. Ari listings, you fucks. Yeah. Fuck faces. Cunts. Ari's balling out of control. I had him on yesterday.

He's so confident now. It's hilarious. It's great, huh? Yeah, he's a different guy. It's so weird. I was going up that hill where Pink Dot is, and he has that billboard that's right of it. But I was in traffic, and I'm just looking up, and suddenly you's eyes poke up from the uh the hill when you're driving up that hill because the billboard yeah you just see Ari's face on it's crazy so he's super confident now huh he's balling out of control yeah he was on the

podcast yesterday shitting on Howard Stern telling him and Clint Eastwood to go suck their old old man dicks suck each other off Howard just did it again he just bashes podcasts like almost every episode now. Does he? He's like, I had a podcast when I was six years old. And I was like, yeah, it's called You Had a Tape Recorder. Howard, chill the fuck out. Well, Brian's upset too.

Wow. I don't have any problem with him saying that because it doesn't make any sense. And I feel like he's baiting people to talk about him. This was his genius play that people didn't know how he dominated radio, was that when he was introduced to a market the first thing he did was shit on the number one local show like he would shit on that show and then that the people that listen to that show would find out they would end up checking out his show is he baits people this way i i think every almost everything he does is

what's that do you think this though is that or do you think this is just him and an old man being out of touch? I think you could say that part of it... I think part of it maybe genuinely is like, that's stupid. The other part is he knows that podcasts are getting big. Make fun of podcasts. Make them come listen to the show. It's not like... The guy's a brilliant fucking guy.

Exactly. That's what I've been saying. Give me some knuckles, dog. I bet I'll like fucking American Sniper when I see it, too. For sure. You're not going to like that movie. No? Why?

I haven't seen it, but everyone tells me it's the shittiest movie ever. You're like the first person. What the fuck are you talking about? Not everyone. I've talked to quite a few people that liked it. It's not the shittiest movie ever. I don't understand. We should go see it.

Have you seen it? I will see it. We'll go see it together. We'll see it together. We'll see it together and we'll make a report. Okay. We'll see it together before. We'll do a podcast at night.

We'll see it during the day and we'll come in i definitely can see uh you know people saying i like this movie i don't for any movie right i like that movie i don't like that movie sure like that it's a piece of shit not a fucking chance if you think it's a piece of shit you're fucking retarded like that's something is wrong with you if you go that's a piece of shit garbage movie it's ridiculous it's a quality film i didn't see it that's a piece of shit garbage movie. It's ridiculous. It's a quality film. I didn't see it. It's a quality. Sniper is a quality film.

I can see you not liking different things about it. You can be like, I'm against war. I'm against, you know, military. All that stuff. Absolutely. But to be, and you can even say like, I don't like it. But to be like, that's a piece of garbage movie. It's ridiculous.

What do you think was better, that or Lone Survivor? I didn't see either one of them. I think Lone Survivor was pretty fucking fantastically done as far as the... War scenes? The battles, yeah. That, which is basically

the whole film. It's a really good movie and that surprised the shit out of me. I saw it at home. I, you know, the billboard never did anything.

I was like, I don't want to see this. I thought Lone Surviv. I, you know, the billboard never did anything. I was like, I don't want to see this. I thought, I thought Lone Survivor was one of those, like, fucking Rambo movies when I saw the, I thought Lone Survivor

like won against everybody. Like that kind of thing. Bullshit, just some fiction. That's what I thought. I didn't look into it and it came on when I just started and I was like,

it's fucking midnight, I'll watch this. It's really good. It's going to be real hard for someone to make a fictional movie that really resonates about war other than like a hurt locker type movie right where you show like some weird aberration like this dude wants to keep going back and yeah and uncork bombs the

main i mean my argument with art which you'll see like we argue too about like how cooper did as far as portraying the role i think he did a great job i mean i thought there's a lot of layers to his performance and you see somebody suffer from ptsd in the film as effectively as you could show it i thought he did a great job um did you like zero dark 30 yeah i like that i'd liked it but what i didn't like is the bullshit i didn't like the fact that they had created this woman who are woman who was the architect of this thing and then I found out that she didn't exist. I went, what? What? I thought that she did exist.

That's not what I heard. Really? Yeah. That the woman that was locked on to the messenger? No, I heard that that was a plot piece. Pull that up, Jamie. Make sure I'm correct. I'm getting it from a ranting army ranger who had a few beers in him.

Oh, really? Yeah. It's funny. He said it was all bullshit. He was explaining to me what was bullshit about it, how it was bullshit, that they would never listen to her. Like, this whole thing is ridiculous. Like, the way they portrayed everybody was ridiculous. Then there's the story, which is very different.

The story that the guy wrote that was there, the guy who apparently was there on the raid who wrote yeah which differs from other people's versions of the event yeah it makes you wonder man i wonder how much of these guys you know because the chris kyle thing had come under fire from a lot of people because he apparently lied about a lot he made up some shit for sure made up a lot of shit in his book and you got to wonder how much these guys are involved in this insanely risky endeavor right you're a fucking special ops soldier you're out there doing nutty shit in the middle of the night with night vision shooting people fucking high high high risk and you know they when they realize like this is not going to pay off financially the only way to do it is just

fucking let's let's juice this story up yeah let's add some stuff to this let's's throw some controversial shit in there that's going to guarantee that people are going to talk about it. True. You know? Yeah. I mean, and like, you know, I've read the articles about like things that he claimed and I don't know if there's any. Oh, so it's a real woman? Yeah. So it is a real woman.

That's what I thought. So he was talking crazy. So what, okay, let's find out what wasn't true about Zero Dark Thirty. What was incorrect about zero dark 30 because um that's a big uh big thing about me lately is these fucking movies that are on real life and they they make shit up yeah um because of that uh foxcatcher movie which uh was about this guy mark schultz who fought in the UFC. And all sorts of bullshit in that movie.

And he's actually made a Twitter post about it yesterday. Asking people if they were interested in him giving a detailed account of all the inaccuracies of the movie. He said, if people are interested in it, let me know and I'll do that. And so people started responding to him and I retweeted it. Because I want to know. Because I know a bunch of them. Just based on who he was at the time like that he was already a world champion that he was already one of the best wrestlers

on the planet that he was the UFC wasn't even around when they had him watching the UFC in 1987 didn't exist all this weird gay shit between him and that DuPont not real

no one says that like they made a bunch of shit up to try to move the story along, and it's about a guy who's really lost. They do this to every movie, though. Every movie that has, that's based on, you know, a real story. There's added characters,

added moments to dramatize, added stuff to, you know, pique your interest and make the story more interesting. And, yeah, it's kind of, they should almost, at the end of films, put up, like, a slate that just shows you everything. Like, here are the scenes that we completely had made up.

You know what I mean? So you would walk away going, oh, OK. Yeah. Well, apparently there is a lot of people that think that Zero Dark Thirty has there's a lot of shit in it that's bullshit. Well, yeah. There's a whole, I'm looking at several articles about the factual errors or the things that he just made up about Zero Dark Thirty. Apparently, I mean, and obviously this guy's not going to come clean about what's accurate or not, but who was the CIA director at the time?

He's played by Gandolfini in Zero Dark Thirty. I can't remember his name. Whatever. But he said that like, because I think Gandolfini curses in the movie as him. And like when he's playing the part of this guy and he goes,

that's the only accurate part of that movie. And I say fuck a lot. Yeah. Well, they don't, they're not really that interested in making things accurate. They're interested in making things accurate. Right. They're interested in making things accurate enough. Compelling movie.

Yeah. Accurate enough and then good. Yeah. And that's where these, that's why I think it's like to dramatize a true story, you have a massive obligation. You have a massive obligation to make it interesting, but also to make it factual. Yeah. Because it's a true story. A lot of people find out about certain things and they hear about them from a movie. Yeah.

You expect like, oh, it's based on a true story. You know, that really, this guy really did this. And then you find out, nope things and they hear about them from a movie yeah you expect like oh it's based on a true story you know that really this guy really did this and then you find out nope never did that like the reuben carter hurricane movie you know that movie yes denzel winfrey had the guy on the show and wow we let him loose and it's you know the guy was in jail and it was all wrong it was against him and he could have been the champion of the world and then there's a cop in the movie that's always trying to get him. That cop wasn't even real. The cop didn't exist. Like there's one cop

that's been trying to get him his whole life. So you made a story about a real guy and it's a real story but then you added this character in there to sort of move

everything along the way you think it should in a good guy bad guy movie. But I see, you know, in my limited experience with this, like I have a script thing

that I'm working on and like when i oh shit when i get me buns when i get the notes screenwriting yeah when you get notes from like uh producers or network people you're like it's always stuff like add something like this put that this character should have more of somebody that that challenges them this way and so you see like i see how you go but isn't the meat of this, like, doesn't this work enough as a story? And it's like, yeah, but, you know, this is how we make stories. This is how movies and shows are made.

So add all these elements to it. You got to have autonomy if you're going to have your own creation, because that's the problem with movies and TV shows. They cost a lot of money to make. So when a lot of people are putting their money up, they want results and they want it to be their way and they want to get their little greasy fingers

all over everything. Which is why you have to listen to their opinions. Otherwise you'd be like, imagine if that was the case with stand-up. Imagine if you became an entity as a stand-up comedian.

Like, hey Tom, we really like what you're doing out there so we want to be in business with you. So what we're going to do is we're going to put up the money for all your travel, all your hotel. We're going to give you a salary. And we're going to be a part of Tom Segura Enterprises.

And we're going to have meetings every week. And what are we working on this week? Well, here's a script that Bobby and the writers have come up. You know, you can alter this if you like, Tom, as long as, of course, we approve it at the end before you go on stage. And you get to this, like, what? Yeah. Like, what have I done? It'd be the worst done we're so spoiled that's why it's the last and best thing that you can never give up if you're doing

it yeah you can't give it up we're so spoiled so yeah you get you really get to do whatever you want and even more so now because you have podcasts yeah like i've seen how the podcast has changed your whole thing man it's like you guys sell out everywhere now. You have like a real following. Dude, I just did a tour like of one-nighters. Almost every one was sold out. I mean, from Hattiesburg, Mississippi, which was unbelievable.

This place, Hub City Comedy, Lafayette the next night, and then I did Punchline in Atlanta, Jacksonville, West Palm Beach. Bam, bam, bam.

Almost every show sold out. Yeah. And it's all podcast fans Podcast Podcast and Netflix The two of them together Isn't that nuts It's amazing

Yeah Yeah And this is all internet stuff All of it's internet My whole thing is internet Yeah Isn't that amazing Everything

Yeah It's amazing It's a This is a weird time for that Yeah It's pretty cool man It's so cool Yeah

Because like All the shit that you have to deal with If you're creating a script And it has to get passed by all these producers and executives, none of that exists, but yet all this success exists. All these people love what you're doing.

Like what fucking studio executive was sign off on black or Tom? I don't think nine zero. You couldn't have people in the room with you. They would be like shaking their head, looking at each other. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him. I'll talk to him. And they would go, Tom.

So, hey, went well. Went well. Tom or Black. You know, I just, for what you get out of it, I don't think it's your best work. Yeah. And for what you get out of it, I just think it's not worth what you give up. Sure. Yeah.

I mean, I'm going to show you some tweets. People will think, look at the guy with the egg next to his name hmm his name is zero dark 30 he thinks you're a racist we should stop I you know the there was like I was on a morning news show you know there's like good morning whatever things and I had on like a black jacket and a black and gray I think either LA hat or I think it was an LA hat it was black and gray, I think either L.A. hat. I think it was an L.A. hat. It was black and gray. And he was like, big Dodger fan? And I go, no, I hate baseball.

And he was like, ah, okay. And I go, I just wear hats for the colors, like black guys, you know, just to match. And he was like, hey. Like, immediately was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. On the air he said this? On the air, yeah. I go, you know, it's just like for, I just wear it for the style, like just for the colors, like black guys. And he's like, okay, so this On the air, yeah. I go, you know, it's just like for, I just wear it for the style, like just for the colors like black guys.

And he's like, okay, so this weekend you're going to be at the, like I was like, wow, like he flipped out. Didn't want to lose his job. Yeah, immediately. And again, he's a news, I'm the comedian, I can say whatever I want, but that for him was like super risky.

Can you imagine if he said that? Hey, I just wear hats like black guys. People would want his head. Yeah, of course. You can't do that if you're a newscaster guy. They will have you fucking removed. Yeah, of course. You can't do that if you're a newscaster guy. They will have you fucking removed. Yeah, and he thought afterward. He was like, you're kind of unpredictable, huh?

I was like, it's not really that crazy. In that world, though, you're a little bitch. You have to be a company bitch in that world. You can't have opinions about anything. Everything has to be broad. Yeah. Well, we certainly support our heroes. We'll be right back.

Yeah. It has to be. There can't be any any any weird and there's a weirdness a little earlier today we had a guest on you made a comment then we just like everybody to know that we did that does not reflect case on for news yeah anyone can wear hats of any color yes and it certainly I don't even know where he was going with that I didn't understand it either. Anyway, moving on. Some people are just not that talented. They have to resort to shock value.

Shock. Carrot top is also going to be just. There's always going to be people like that. Unbelievable. There's no getting around that. There's always going to be those jobs are like, if you're going to be the guy on the local news, you almost have to have zero flavor.

Yeah. You can't have any flavor. Flavor's bad. Flavor's dangerous. Gets people sued. That's with morning radio DJs too, right? Those guys are dying off. There's not a whole lot of those guys left.

That's what's the most funny thing about Howard saying that podcasting is for losers. And you know what's just happening now? Try getting a radio job. What's just started happening now, and I knew this was going to happen, and it's finally happening, is that they are now finally

clubs are going there's no more radio like they're saying like you go so we're doing press tomorrow morning they're like we don't do that anymore and it'll be like it's not that like oh you're completely sold out we don't need to do any press they're just like it's a waste of time they finally realized in

I'm not saying all radio is a waste of time, but they realize in certain markets with certain shows, they're like, we're not going to pay anymore for things. There's no point in bringing you there. It doesn't turn into anything. You don't have to do it. Well, there was one radio station where I did way back in the day when I used to have to do those morning shows

where they talked about how they had a deal with this radio station where they would buy ads. And a deal with this radio station where they would buy ads. And because they would buy ads, the DJs would, it was like a bribe to get the comics to come in and do the morning show. So the comics would come in, do the morning show, tell them when they were there, and they would buy ads for the radio show during the day. Wow.

And I was like, well, you have to buy ads, huh? Yeah. You can't get anybody in unless you buy ads. I'm like, wow. It's that blatant? Yeah. It's that blatant. it's that blatant yeah it's great now and i've uh there's been like markets now where i go to and there's radio set up and i'll be like i don't want to do it and they go okay and you know what turnouts

like great like it's not you know the problem with the radio is just getting up breaks your whole brain getting up and you always roll the dice. There's some great guys doing radio, but then there's also shows where you're like, dude, this is a waste. Why are we doing this? This sucks.

Yeah, that could get bad. That's worse than getting up for me, I think, is when you get there and they're like, what do you want me to ask you? And I'm like, whatever he wants.

Eliza Schlesinger had some crazy incident happen recently. Oh, I think I heard about that. Yeah, I'll let her tell it next time she was here, but she cracked a joke and she didn't realize that this dude's mom was dead. But the dude kind of opened the door to begin with.

I don't remember the exact way the joke went, but it was a classic example. It was a classic example. I could call her and have her talk about it on the air. Let me see if she'll do that. Let's see if she even answers. Give it a shot. I've never done this before. Fuck it.

But it's just highlighting how those people can be a huge pain in the ass. Yeah. Let's see. You gonna patch it in through the speakerphone? Yeah, this is how I do it.

It's high tech. Yeah. It's high tech as fuck. What is that? That sounds like... Oh. What? What the heck? That's the government.

Oh, yeah. That's the government cutting out... Joe Rogan. Stop talking shit about 0.30. NSA doesn't need this. Yeah, what is that little weird... You have reached the... Yeah. That would be a problem oh man yeah starts getting text that is

an asshole face I feel like the goal of doing stand-up long enough and like the the biggest mark of success is being like oh i don't have to do radio like that's the dream i know but some places the dream was to do radio some places it was like to get on the bob and tom show sure yeah you know bob and tom they fucking said no to joey diaz he was supposed to go there and someone saw something on youtube that he did or most likely everything on youtube yeah anything he's ever Anything he's ever said ever about everything. I have conversations with that guy. And they pulled him off.

They pulled him off the show. What? Yeah, he sold out every show. I tweeted the shit out of it. He sold out every fucking show. And then Bob and Tom got hit with a deluge of insults. You know, you guys are old. You're fucking idiots.

You're losers. He's the funniest guy on earth. You pulled him because of a YouTube video. He's not the YouTube video, you stupid fucks. Wow. I don't know what happened. Whose decision it was to do that. Those guys are really good guys, too. I've done their show before.

Super nice guys. I don't know whose decision it was to not have Joey on. It's just so dumb. That's stupid. He's a professional. He doesn't swear on the air. He's not going to do anything stupid. No. Come on, Indiana. He might bring in some traits for people to try. He might a professional. He doesn't swear on the air. He's not going to do anything stupid. No. Come on, Indiana. He might bring in some treats for people to try. He might dose you. He might dose you.

He might dose you. You eat your breakfast burrito yet? Try this. What are you headed to this weekend? Let's see. Tomorrow, I'm doing the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. So I'm doing that Wednesday night. How is that? That's in Ventura, California? Yeah, I haven't done it. It's not that far away. I'm excited to do it, yeah.'m doing that Wednesday night. How is that? That's in Ventura, California?

Yeah, I haven't done it. It's not that far away. I'm excited to do it, yeah. I heard that's good. I think it's going to be fun. Sunday I do just the podcast live and then next week

Virginia Beach Funny Bone. And I added today, I added a bunch. I'm doing some big venues coming up and I added them. I got Park West in Chicago, Neptune Theater in Seattle.

All of it available TomSegura.com. You can find all that shit. Alright, fuckers. Let's wrap this bitch up. I gotta get out of here. I got things to do. Oh, Brian, you got a show tomorrow night at the Comedy Store, right? Yes. Burt Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, a bunch of us. Bam, bam, bam.

Ice House tomorrow night is sold the fuck out and that shit's gonna be off the chain as well. A Majestic Theater in Dallas Friday night almost sold out. Very few tickets left. Tony Hinchcliffe, Ian Edwards, and me. All right. We'll see you guys next week.

Much love. Enjoy your weekend. Big kiss for all of you. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Ew. That was a blast. Thank you for having me.