The Joe Rogan Experience - #627 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: March 18, 2015

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify. http://www.joeydiaz.net http://podcasts.joerogan.net

Let me tell you something, you know how bad to the bone that dude is? I was listening to him on the way up here. Eddie Bravo is the one who called me and returned me on to Tom Petty. Oh, Tom Petty was a bad motherfucker. Oh, that fucking, that something song was on the way up here, I almost crashed the fucking car. He doesn't get much respect. I don't know why people, when they talk about like rock stars they really love, you don't hear a lot of people, like people go off about, like I always go off about Hendrix,

or people go off about certain artists. But you don't hear that much about... It looks like a fucking anteater. Is that what it is? Is that like Geddy Lee? Same thing from Rush? Oh, that fucking guy drives me crazy. Living. Yeah, no, that shit drives me crazy.

The singer from REO Speedwagon with the needle shoulders. The REO Speed, which had a good live album when we were kids. That was a badass album. Fucking, we'll come back on the road again. Remember that? What time I'm leaving now. They were fucking badass, but the problem with Tom Petty is he looks like a rat.

But if you know anything about Tom Petty, he's deep in it, dog. He's like a Gracie. He took guitar lessons from the guitar player from the Eagles in high school. They're from that area where white people are like trash, white trash, but they know how to fucking play an instrument. Like Jacksonville, that area.

He's from like Jacksonville. So Jacksonville is like them. Not the Leonard Skinner, but the other band that was their Jacksonville, the Allman Brothers. You could see it. Oh, I get it now. I get the whole vibe. That's where the Allman Brothers were from Florida, too. Yes, bro. That neighborhood is lethal.

If you go online, that neighborhood, like I went online one day, I know that it's either or. Either Tom Petty, just think about that. The guitar player from the Eagles. The one that wrote Hotel California. The one they threw out that lives right on Topanga Canyon.

That dude. That dude's a powerhouse. All that. All that was him. Joe Welsh joined later. But the early powerhouse was that dude when he has rings around his nose on Hotel California. That dude's a savage. And in high school, he gave

Tom Petty guitar lessons. A lot of people don't know that. And they, can you imagine? That's like, you know, that's like the Machados and the fucking Gracies. Like, they were just hanging out in the basement. They were cousins. That's what they did. And it all launched from there. The Allman Brothers. There's gotta be somebody

else from that area. I don't know who it is that's from that fucking area. A lot of people don't know that. That's got to be somebody else from that area. I don't know who it is that's from that fucking area. A lot of people don't know that. That's so weird. Skinner from that area? Yeah. I mean, think of it. Skinner, Allman Brothers, and Tom Petty.

I know for a fact I can't lose this argument. Tom Petty's got ten songs that we've all sung at one time. That fucking song from when the guy's dancing naked in Silence of the Lambs with his dick between his legs. American Girl. That's all Tom Petty, guys. That's all Tom Petty. The one with the dude, the good-looking guy, the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Remember he had that video with the dude from the Pirates of the Caribbean? Last Dance with Mary Jane. Yes. That dude does not. The one with Stevie Nicks when we were kids. Stop dragging my heart around oh yeah i forgot about it i mean look i'm getting goosebumps like that dude i forgot he's big because he's like muhammad ali he just stuck around for 20 that's 83. it's 2000 15.

that's seven that's 17 that's 32 years i know and he's still around and he's still around wow you know you forget about those guys like how and but that area what is it's the water That's 32 fucking years. I know I'm still around he's still he's still around You know you forget about those fucking guys like how and but that area what it's the water It's got to be something they just had something at that time You know what that was like they were all growing up in the 70s and the culture was probably Exploding from the whole all the crazy shit from the 60s a lot of people from the East Coast Escaped and they went down to Florida You know that's what happened to a lot of people a lot of mob guys went down to Florida a lot of people from the East Coast escaped and they went down to Florida. You know, that's what happened to a lot of people. A lot of mob guys went down to Florida.

A lot of people went down to Florida to go on the lam. A lot of people went down to Florida to get away from debts, to get away from the East Coast. Like, Florida is, a big part of Florida is, like, escape savages from, like, Jersey and New York. That's the dirty secret about Florida. There's as many New York accents in some parts of Florida as there are anywhere else. Go to Tampa. They have Yankee hot dogs, and that's where the Yankees spring train. Listen, when I robbed that jewelry store, I went to Sarasota on the Laminate E3.

There was nothing to do. I had to go watch The Road Warrior every day for a month. I got a theory about Florida. I got a theory about Florida. I think it's too hot. I think that's why people are so dopey down there. I think it's too hot. I think even if you take those animals from New Jersey and New York,

that was in the set. They just got there. They just got there. Their personalities were developed in the cold weather. Their personalities were developed where you've got to get shit done, it's cold, you've got to fucking shovel your car out. And then you go down to Florida, and it's just swatting bugs and sweating.

and it's just swatting bugs and sweating. Just that deep, deep fog of a hot day in Miami. The fog. The fog of the moisture in the air. Fuck. What about Arizona, though? Wouldn't that be the same? Dry.

No, that Miami. It's dry. A southern Florida morning, you know when you're there. When you wake up and there's dew on the window and you open up and it smells tremendous. A Florida morning smells tremendous. That grass with that moisture on it. Yeah. Now, tell me about this thing outside of Fort Lauderdale.

You were telling me once, and then somebody was telling me in Fort Lauderdale one time, what's going to happen in that ocean? It's going to sink? There's an area around Miamiami like all around southern florida which the ground is very porous it's it's not like louisiana where you can like put up a levee and you can keep the water from coming in you can't stop it it's going to come through the front through the ground like the ground is not this you know rock, firm ground that we get up here while we're right next to the water. It's not like that.

So as the water level rises, there's going to be no way to stop it. It's going to come right through the ground. Swampy. Yeah, when it comes through the ground, that's the Everglades. And that's any swampy-type area. And when it comes through the ground, it's going to eat up Miami. It's just going to eat it up. It's not going to last.

Miami's not going to be here in 100 years. You know who used to say that? Do you know whose theory that was? Who? My mother's. That's why she didn't go to Miami. She's smart. When she left Cuba, I kept asking, why didn't you ever go to Miami with all those Cubans?

She goes, I didn't like it there. She goes, they positioned those missiles from there to shoot or something. She was telling me about that. Oh, yeah, it's where it crosses the street. And she was like, I don't want to fucking even be. Something about Miami Miami the land The lands not gonna be right there. She hated it. She fucking hated Miami with a passion. Well, especially in her era You know that was when the Cuban Missile Crisis was going on and everybody thought the Russians were gonna launch nukes from Cuba's right there

I mean a lady swam it she swam it. I mean, what the fuck, man? I mean, you could probably... I mean... People raft it every day. People raft it. That little boy. Remember that little boy on the raft? People raft it every day. If you go to Cuba right now and you put on this street, I'm thinking of going out, there'll be some guy like, psst, Maggie, and he'll break it

down so you don't leave at six because the high tide... They already have it. They've done it. They've done it and maybe come back or got arrested in Cuba, in the United States, and come back. You know, they say there's a point when you're out there that you just see all the raps of people that have failed. Oh, my God. And that's when, you know, there's like 30, 40 miles out of Miami, you know, 50 miles out of the United States. They say it crack a lot. That's where you really – that's the fifth round.

Anderson Silva's on top of you, ground and pounding. And, you know, you're just looking into the abyss. There's nothing. And once it gets dark, they say you just hear some fucking wild noises, man. You just hear some fucking wild noises. Oh, no. You know, you can't drink the salt water, so you got to bring the water with you.

You got to keep the raft light. So you got to bring, like, saltine crackers. I mean, it's... How many days does it take? It's all depending on the tide. You know, I don't really know. I've spoken to people who have done it. Cubans that you have to, like, listen,

like, your conversation about the fucking show last night, listen to this. They have yet in all the fucking documentaries they do have not sat down like a family. That came with six and they lost three. And you talk to those motherfuckers. The pitcher from the Yankees ate his hand.

He started cannibalizing his own fucking hand. What? And then he broke down. I get emotional thinking about it. Just like psychologically? Like psychologically, he started eating his hand, no food. Oh, my God. So the first time the Yankees gave him $10 million, he went into the clubhouse, and he saw the co-cuts, and he broke down.

He had a nervous breakdown. He had never seen that much food. Wow. Like fruit and co-cuts and bread and, you know, sodas. He had never seen that much food. Like fruit and croquettes and bread and, you know, sodas. He had never seen that. That's just the intensity of it. But there's nobody yet. There's a documentary that's real interesting called Balcero.

That's that generation. The Cubans have the Mariel escape, los Marielitos. Those are the ones that came in 79. And then you have the 90s ones. And the Cubans look down on them. The Marielitos are those are the ones that came in 79, and then you have the 90s ones, and the Cubans look down on them. The Marielitos are like, fuck you, punks. You're balceros. They're the ones that come in truck tires.

Jesus Christ. And arrest. Fucking truck tires. How many days does it take normally? Three. Three days? It all depends. You know, I know there's intelligent people who watch the show, and they're sitting there

going, Joey, it all the pay it's not you Could count the days it wherever the tide takes you you know that was gonna be my question is it do people ever miss? Why do you ever like go does it take you out to sea ever? Some people the tide goes a different direction I'm sure they have the jet streams I mean not the jet streams like pretty predictable? Like that's how they have those garbage patches, right? Some people get caught in those islands by the Bahamas.

You have to look at the map and we could really- Some people actually landed in the islands by the Bahamas. And you're still not home because you're still- they could still arrest you. So Fidel has flights going throughout there looking for people. Those motherfuckers take you back to Cuba and arrest you. Oh Fidel has flights going throughout there looking for people. Those motherfuckers take you back to Cuba and arrest you. So until you touch the United States. What are you writing?

A tide map. There's such things as tide maps for boating and stuff that would show you the tides of those. Unless you touch the sand. God, that's so close. Look how close that is. So those islands right there from where see the tip, you probably have to leave from the northwest island, like right under Key West. You'd have to leave, but I guarantee there's a problem.

I guarantee there's some type of problem. So you have to hit it. Depending on what's going on, some people leave from the southern point, and they catch something at the Bahamas, those little islands. The Bahamas has over 100 little islands over there. 100 little islands by the Bahamas. All those little islands used to be drug smuggling islands. That's the midway point.

So that's it right there. But think about that. That's 90 miles. That's from here to San Diego. That's legit. So the first 30 miles is pretty easy. The next 30 are the real fucking deal. And then I imagine you start seeing land, but once you run out of water, you start hallucinating.

And you can't drink the salt water, correct? So you start hallucinating. I mean, I've heard different things. Put that back up again, Jamie. That'd be a very interesting documentary to just see somebody take off from Cuba and fucking just... That's like a Survivorman thing. But that's 50%. Seems like something he would thing. That's 50%.

Look at that fucking... Look at the distance. It's so small. Cuba looks bigger than I thought it looked. But these maps are really distorted. It's very difficult to gauge the perspective, how big Cuba actually is. When you look at Africa

and the United States on a map, a lot of times it doesn't look like Africa is that much bigger. But then if you actually see how big Africa is, have you ever seen that? Africa fits almost all the other countries. It fits Europe. It fits everything. Pull up a map of how many different countries fit inside Africa because it's pretty crazy to look at.

It's so big. Look at that. That's all Africa. So look at all the different fucking... Look at the United States. It's like a little piece of it. It's like maybe a quarter of it. Look, all of Eastern Europe.

China. Yep. China fits in Africa. That's how big Africa is. Spain, France... Excuse me. France. Germany, Italy, Eastern Europe, and fucking India.

Good Lord. And then it says India part two. So I guess that's another segment of India. Are they just stuffed in there? Now put the regular map of fucking Africa, and that's when you just get petrified. Oh, and all the UK. The whole UK. When you see what's in Africa is when you really fucking just shut the map. Like, you're like, I could tell why the exorcist was there.

Because in my mind, the exorcist was there. That's where it started. Look at the fucking countries. Like, everywhere there's always a fucking something going on. Always something going on. Morocco, they're smoking hash. Tunisia, who fucking knows. Libya, they're fucking up.

You know. Sudan, they're fucking up. Egypt, they're fucking up. Ethiopia, they're smoking hash Tunisia who fucking knows Libya they're fucking up you know Sudan they're fucking up Egypt they're fucking up Ethiopia is they're fucking up look at all the fucking region you know Rwanda's a war always I mean there's always Angola Zambia I mean there's always something Zimbabwe Africa Zimbabwe you know the most the most corrupt city in the world supposed to be Nigeria. Nigeria? Is it Nigeria? One of those where they have all the scams on emails, where your money's in an African bank.

That's the most corrupt city. The cops, everything. Everything goes down in Africa. Look at that. Look at that. Where's Liberia? You ever see those Vice specials on Liberia? And fucking the Somalian pirates.

Dumb fucking crazy motherfuckers that are out there. Yeah. Well, you know the Somalian pirates, you know how that all got started? They were fishermen. And the Europeans kept dumping shit into their ocean. And they were killing all the fish. They were throwing like nuclear waste overboard and shit. And all kinds of fucking chemical pollutants. They just would dump their waste outside the shore of Somalia.

And it was killing all their fish. And these people were starving. So they started kidnapping these boat guys and, you know, holding them for ransom saying, hey, you owe us. You've been fucking up our ocean. You know, we want money. And they were making so much money doing that. They said, fuck fishing. And they just started robbing people. And they take this stuff called cat. It's like an amphetamine. It's a plant that they chew. And it has like an amphetamine effect. So they're fucking just hopped up on speed all day long.

Just... And they're running around with guns. And they're just... Fuck, they give a zero fucks. They don't give a fraction of a fuck when they get on those speed boats and head towards your oil tanker they start throwing anchors up there grappling hooks and shit pull themselves up they're just not scared of you at all they're crazy fucks those guys are have you ever seen videos of those guys like they're scary

they're scary they're wild man they come after people going on a ship around anywhere with those motherfuckers out there in a lot of ways it's very Lord of the Rings esque you know it's like it's kind of like unbelievable when you see these groups of dudes that are all skinny and kind of cracked out and they got machine guns and then a rubber tube with a fucking engine attached to it, and they're shooting at this giant boat, and they're throwing hooks up and climbing up, getting inside. How is that any different than some scenes from The Lord of the Rings?

That's crazy. That's like the elves versus the trolls and shit, you know? I mean, these guys are madmen. They're madmen. And most likely, all that shit started out because people were fucking with their livelihood they're like a peaceful fishing village and people were polluting their water and they didn't have any food so they started getting dangerous they started getting desperate that's a they call themselves the the volunteer coast guard of somalia that's what they started off as

makes sense fucking totally makes sense That's why they would be so angry. I mean, how come they never did it before? How come Somalia doesn't have like a deep history of pirating? It's not like we know. It's not like we think of them as like Vikings. If Vikings started robbing people again, we'd be like, it's in their blood.

The video I seen, there wasn't one fat Somalian. They were all fucking bony up like Jesus. They're skinny fucking bony up like Jesus. They're skinny as fuck. And they move, Jack. They pull up next to a ship and they move. It's like fuck SWAT. Fuck all of them.

These guys don't give a fuck. And they're throwing shit at them. They lock up, but these guys don't give a... And the leader looks like Jimi Hendrix with goggles on. Like he doesn't know about fashion, nothing. It's fucking scary. I don't know. It's a different world. Yeah, it's a know about fashion, nothing, you know? It's fucking scary. I don't know. It's a different world. Yeah, it's a different, fuck you.

You grow up in that world? I'll stay out of here, man. I'll stay right here. Fuck you, yeah. Those motherfuckers are savages, like, real living fucking savages. And it's kind of interesting, Joey, if you really think about it. Like, we don't have to be like that. But here we are.

It's 2015. And at the same time, when you and I are alive and very peaceful and getting along with everybody, this is going on in another part of the world. That's the weird thing. It's like,

we're not much different than them. We just, we're super lucky. We're super lucky we got born into a better situation than them. These people are there right now in a war zone

that's like a Mad Max movie. I mean, their life, in a lot of parts of Africa, their life might as well be some crazy, end-of-the-world apocalypse movie. You know? If you go to watch the Vice pieces on Liberia, it's bananas. This is like some of the shit that made Vice.

Aren't the cannibals there also? Fuck yeah, that's what part of it is. Okay, right, the cannibalism. He said this guy was selling meat, like human meat, on the street in kebabs. And he said he recognized it because he knows what human meat tastes like. Because he used to kill babies. He used to fight naked. This guy, they call him General Butt Naked.

He would take off all his fucking clothes and go into combat with a machine gun. Naked. Killing everybody. everybody killed thousands of people thousands of people eight babies used to cut their heart out you could find an innocent child of of the enemy kill them cut their heart out and eat pieces of their heart and they were immune to to being damaged in battle they couldn't die that's what they felt so they would do that he's admitting this on this fucking special now here's where it gets really crazy he became religious afterwards and now he's like a minister and he teaches he preaches christianity and because of that they're gonna

absolve him from all the people he's killed who the same guy the country of whatever country he's in in liberia they absolve him they like let him off the hook because he's killed. Who? The same guy. The country of, whatever country he's in, Liberia. They absolve him. They like, let him off the hook because he's like a Christian now. It's like, whoa,

like this is going on right now. I mean, that guy killed thousands of people. Thousands. And admits on camera that part of their ritual was to eat babies.

And people are like, well, you know, he's different now. Now he's found Jesus. No, he's got to pay for that somewhere. Not in this home, but the next one, Jack. But what my point was is, like, this is a very different world. Oh, please.

It's not just a little different. It's another day, Jack. Yeah. It's another day. Traffic to us is another day. People somewhere else don't understand this these motherfuckers eating kids hearts Babies hearts not only that like how many atheists do you think are in Africa? I bet I bet a lot less about a lot less than here

So when a guy says something like I found God now now I found Jesus that actually means something to them Where they go wow he's found God like this is you're talking about a world that looks like a movie that's what africa is i mean it's a world that looks like a move like a crazy chaotic movie like an asteroid hits china and kills almost everyone outside of the united states and kills 30 40 of the united states and then then that's Africa. The highly populated areas of African Africa. Like District 9. Yeah, District 9.

Very, very similar. That's parts of it. I mean, you also have Johannesburg. You also have like real cities. I mean, it's weird. It's just so, it's so fucking giant. I think the craziest thing

I ever saw out of line was like the Bronx in the 80s. Like certain parts of the Bronx. I would leave there like going, I'm not ever coming here again. That was crazy shit you ever saw? I'm not ever coming here again. Yeah, like at night one night I made a mistake.

Like in 1980 I went to the Bronx to get drugs. I thought I was cool with some friends. And we fucking went into a war zone. Like they were war zones. I don't know who was fighting. I have no idea, but it was just dark and weapons, and, no, I like regular things. I don't need to be in this fucking...

That's the worst I saw. I went a building on fire. The night I went, there was a building on fire. People were yelling. The fire department wouldn't even go in because they know that the fucking people would rob them. Yeah. It was like that movie I told you to watch,

Robbed, about Ken Norton and Muhammad Ali, that it wasn't that Muhammad Ali lost to Ken Norton that night, the decision. It was what was going on outside in New York City, how people were getting robbed on the streets, yelling for the cops, and the cops were turning their backs because they were overwhelmed. It was like four to one.

They couldn't get all the cops in there. had blocked they did it perfectly they blocked cars and shit so no horses could get in there nothing i'm telling you watch this you're gonna be like what how did this happen in 1970 that people from manhattan rich are getting mugged and they're yelling for the cops to help when the cops were walking away like that that's how crazy the Bronx was at one time when I was a kid. And I didn't go up there. I didn't live up there. I went up there to get drugs, drinking, you know, like, coke or weed or something stupid. That's the worst.

Well, there's so many people. The Bronx is so huge. There's so many people in, like, bad neighborhoods, like, or quote-unquote bad neighborhoods. You know, just lower class poorer neighborhoods in new york there's there's big areas big giant areas that have like a lot of you know what's the correct i want to say lower class what do you want to say like uh people that live in poverty but there's there's some spots you know i uh when the first one of the first things i did when i moved to new york is i drove through harlem i'm like i want to see what this

is like you know i'm like all right i got through Harlem. I'm like, I want to see what this is like. I'm like, all right, I got here. This is my first day here. Let me go see what Harlem's like. I fucking drove all the way up. And as you get uptown, things get weirder and weirder. And this is 1990. And it was before they cleaned up Times Square, too.

It was still kind of a freaky spot. And as I'm driving up there, it just started getting crazier and crazier. And then all of a sudden you're in neighborhoods where you're like, I have to get the fuck out of here. Like, this is not safe. Like, this is dangerous. I was driving to a spot that had garbage that was stacked seven, eight feet high, five feet wide, stacked down blocks. I mean blocks. There was like long blocks of garbage hills. You're like, what the fuck is going on?

Well, there's some sort of a garbage strike. I don't know what the details were. But there was rats running back and forth. You could see them running back and forth. the details were but there was rats running back and forth you could see them running back and forth and you know i grew up in a like when i lived in boston i lived in a suburb in newton that's where i went to high school it was like the calmest quietest place it's a very nice place so here i am just a couple years removed from that and i'm walking down harlem watch these rats dart back and forth and people are stepping out of liquor stores holding 40 ounces like it's a movie I'm like well this place is crazy this

place is crazy you know from 16 from 15 to 22 that was my backyard really my backyard was from 113th and 5th which is right by by the park, to 178 by Port Authority. And Joe Rogan and I knew every nook and cranny. Like, I knew where all the weed was, the coke was, the pills were, the weapons were. And I had been pretty much the... I had been pretty much... My mom's best friend lived on 113th and 5th,

and that was horrible. But at night, that turned into something else. And then with the being in the numbers thing, when I was a kid with my parents, where the Cubans have their main numbers thing is by a place called La Maqueta. There's a train, and they have all these little markets, and it's on 118th. And it used to be Spanish back in the 70s, 60s, and early 80s. And what you do is my mom would have a bodega, and she'd have sodas and cigars and maybe books of dreams.

And people come in, they say, I had a dream about a truck getting hit by a fucking monkey. A truck is 50 and a monkey is 3, so they put $5 on 350. And $5 pays you $2,500 that night. Cash, no fucking drama. And all the banks would be upstairs. So you'd have bodegas all around Harlem, but the bank would be centralized on one building.

And the summers, I would have a couple different jobs. In the summers, I would either help in the bodegas, you know, stocking shelves and running money up the stairs, or I answered the phones and had to yell the numbers to the dudes, and they would flip it. So if you get too much action, let's say on 604, after you get $50 on that number, you got to, let's say you get $82 on that number,

you have to take $32 and dump it off to a different bank because you could only get killed if you give away $50. That means you're losing $25,000 for the day. So it was always half. It's a very interesting fucking racket. Wow. It's not huge anymore because the picket came in. So the lottery, one of the biggest lotteries, I don't know if they still do, is the Puerto

Rican lottery. You buy the sheets. You buy it by the sheets. And that's big in that part of the country but uh the italian it was invented by trap santo trafficante in miami and he brought it from cuba and it's called policy so then the italians took it they were a big thing of it but the ethnics were where the money's at they're the ones that have the dreams and they're poor so that's what the ethnic took that market from the mafia isn't that ironic amazing the lottery is coming for all that money is coming from the poor people playing it

people that have the dream the next time you go to 7-eleven and you go get where you want rolling papers and you're thirsty look who's in front of you some guy let me get 604 with scratches you know he's at fucking 7-eleven at this fucking isis substation with a fucking dream he's gonna win the lottery you know it's a fucked up dream i see people in my 7-eleven all the time buying 25 30 tickets but i also part of it makes me giggle part of it reminds me of being a kid my mom My mom's number habit was horrid. She played the numbers constantly. If she walked in here and you had like, what's this, a cronk 31?

Give me the number before 31, Joe. Five, blam, call New York. Five, 31, $20, bam. So anywhere she went, if she saw a number that was weird, bam, she'd blast that motherfucker. You know how many times I hit the number when I was a kid just fucking around with her I mean, I would join like a football team and I would come home and she go. What's that number on your shirt? 57 put a number in front of that five She called the book

557 $10 $5,000 for dinner another time I hit it on my birthday 219 I used to hit that motherfucker constantly on my birthday, But that was my mother's fucking main thing was numbers. Numbers in Harlem. So I got to walk around there as a child. Then as I got older, my first arrest was in Harlem. I got caught smoking weed on 161st Street in 1983, the first day after the Super Bowl. I won $800 on the Miami D's, the sleeping, the B's, whatever the fuck they were, when they beat the Redskins. And I went into a health food store.

In those days, weed stores were health food stores. Right. In Harlem. So what does the health food store come find of? Yoo-hoo's. No protein drinks in those days. Yoo-hoo's. Yoo-hoo's.

The health food store. Protein powder, you know, vitamins. And then if you knew the right people, you went in there, and the glasses were all bulletproof. Wow. And you went in, and you'd say, what do you have? Let me get Therese. And they'd put the weed in the glass.

You'd take it, give them the $30, and you'd ask permission, can I roll it in the corner? And you'd roll the joint in the corner, and you could go outside and smoke it. I rolled it in the corner and went out and lit it in the corner because it was windy It was January And when I went to put the lighter to the joint a fucking mailman put a gun to my head He goes get on the floor because if you got more than 20 singles on you. I'm gonna beat the fuck out of you I got on the floor at 800. I have one 800

I probably had 740 and he goes where'd you get this money from? And all of a sudden, cops started pulling up. And they were looking for people who were selling loose joints to kids two blocks away. So when they realized, I lived in Jersey. And I had no ID. In those days, I didn't walk with an ID, dog. My word was my shit. No ID in those days.

I threw away the ID. Fucking no ID. You're a cop. Figure it out, bitch. The fuck? You're a fucking cop. You're detective figure it out bitch and the cop told me tell me the truth your name i told him the truth and he put my finger in one of those things that was the early technology new york had like three vans that have that shit on it a fingerprint thing a scanner and it came back jose diaz and

blast they let me go in fact the cop took weed out of my bag, put it on the floor, and said, now it's nine grams. You can keep it, and I'll give you a ticket. And that was my first legitimate arrest. I got arrested for that in Manhattan. I did six months deferred sentence, and I moved to Colorado, and I had to write the guy a letter on the first and call him on the fifth. And they let me go. So they looked at your fingerprints and they found your name?

Quick. Quick. But you'd never been arrested before? Never. So how are your fingerprints in the record? I have no fucking idea. From the hospital, maybe? I have no idea. I didn't ask no questions. That's interesting. I wonder if everybody's fingerprints... Especially with Apple. That was one of the big things people were worried about with the iPhone.

They're getting robbed already. That Apple thing is fucked up. iPhone. They're getting robbed already. They're going to get my fingerprints, man. Yeah, that Apple thing is fucking up already. Well, I'm not even talking about that. I'm just talking about the ability to use your fingerprint because you can get your fingerprint from this. Like as you're pressing it, right? It's leaving your fingerprint and that's how it recognizes

your fingerprint. And the idea is that that all goes to a database. We want to know if Joey Diaz touched anything with his finger. Well, let's look at the database. Oh, look. We got his fingerprint. It's right here. Run it.

And so they have your fingerprint. At my school, they did it in middle school. Yeah. Where we all had to put our thumbprints down on both sides. And it was kind of like we learned about thumbprints. And we're like, where did that go? Yeah. I don't remember whether or not I did that, but I probably did.

When I was a kid, PAL. I was a big PAL guy. If you weren't shit, if you didn't hang out at the police athletic league, you weren't shit. Really? Yeah. When I was a kid, I was too old. Even when I came from Cuba, there was, they taught you how to play pool. They were fucking, listen, they were just regular cops.

And this was their job to get away from their wives. Honey, I'm with the PAL. Right. There's a bunch of Puerto Rican kids and little Irish dirty kids. Well, it's a great way to make a relationship with the cops, too. I'll tell you what, bro. They took me to fucking the precinct, and they let you shoot a gun. You kept the target.

You kept the bullet. They fingerprinted you. They took a picture of you. And you did. It was they took us on fucking basketball trips. They took us to Yankee Stadium. I had a great relationship. But then in like the seventh grade, eighth grade, Mr. Mar They took us to Yankee Stadium. Had a great relationship. But then, in like the seventh grade, eighth grade,

Mr. Marino took us to fucking Detroit for a little bitty basketball tournament, and we found some guy on the street to buy us a case of beer, and it was all over with the fucking shot and jack. That motherfucker said, it's over. We're not even playing a game. We drove right back home.

We didn't even get to play a game. Really? We drove there to get a case of beer, and we drove right back for eight hours. Wow. Right back to fucking Jersey. So I'm a PAL guy. I always was.

So maybe that's how they got my fingerprint. So was that the end of the relationship? With PAL? No. I think I used to still go for it. When I grew up in Jersey, the PAL was geared more towards boxing. When I was in New York City, it was a place that they had, like, a boxing. They had a pool table.

They had, you know, sodas and shit like that, activities. You made, like, ceramics and shit, depending on your age. In Jersey, it was more Mr. Gamio. Mr. Gamio was a Cuban dude, and he ran the boxing program. And I used to know his two sons, Julio and Cesar. They got me a job at Putnam Fuel. And they were like, listen, when you get the job, you got to rob. Putnam Fuel is right by Seacoast, off of Route 3.

It's dirty. Truck people go in there. Dirty, Joe Rogan. I lasted about three weeks before they fired me. But I left there, and after three weeks, the guy at night was a half a Momo. His name was Freddy. Remember I was telling you this? we robbed the one that we go listen We'll just go on and be Freddy up. We were like sophomores in high school

We'll put masks on me and Didi can Tara and when he comes out because in Jersey you pay the gas guy You don't go into a store. You know they pump your gas So if you robbed the guy you basically robbed a joint Do you follow me only Oregon in New New Jersey is where people pump your gas. Everybody else, you walk in with a card. So we were kids. We were like, let's rob fucked up Freddie. You know, when I worked there, I got to know Freddie.

Freddie's wife looked like Honey Boo Boo's mother. Freddie was a little guy, but Honey Boo, his wife was like 400 pounds. And the only way she would let him fuck her is if he brought Blow home. And he was a skinny, guy like eddie bravo she was like 390 and she would actually put the bikini on and they they were such white trash they lived in a studio apartment they would rent the jacuzzi and put in the living room these people were fucking they lived on the third floor studio oh my god and it was the worst building in the neighborhood and they had black marlo she was was the worst building in the neighborhood. And they had black Marlowe.

She was the only black girl in the neighborhood, black Marlowe. I don't know what black Marlowe is today, but she's the real Martin Luther King. She was the only black girl in a white neighborhood in Jersey. That girl took torture. She got tortured. I always loved black Marlowe, though. Marlowe was tight with me. Her mother was white.

Something had happened. Her house was fucked up. That building was fucked up. So I used to go to sell them blow and I remember Freddy opening up the door and they were like a robe on and here's his fat wife and women with heels

with a bikini on and he's like, thank you for bringing it to me. I'm going to have some. Like he really was, like when you brought him the blow, he was fucking thankful

that you fucking like, thank you man. I'm going to get some pussy tonight. Like she would not give me my hand job if he didn't have blow. So finally, so finally, thank you, man. I'm going to get some pussy tonight. Like, she would not give me my hand job if he didn't have blow. So finally, one day, me and Didi Quintero, we decide, let's go down there and rob this motherfucker on a Saturday night.

Let's wait until about midnight when he's got a grand on him. Because you don't drop until you get $2,000. So every $2,000, you make a drop in the floor safe. And you can't get back in there. So me and Didi went behind the building by Seacock, and it was right next to this hot dog place, Snappy Nappy's. The rumor was that's where the Iceman killed somebody and put him in a tank by Snappy Nappy's. No, this is a real fucking area, Jersey.

And across the street was one of the biggest strip clubs on the East Coast. Not when I was there robbing Freddy. A couple years after that, like the Army base. So you remember, if you lived in New York, they called this the Air Force base. Some base or some shit. But when we were kids, we went there like at 12 and we took Freddy down, dog. We just tackled him and started like kicking him. Like they kicked the whatever his name is in that De Niro movie in the bar.

And we took his little purse and we ran away. And he guessed it. Like it took him a week. He's like, did you guys rob me last night? Because we had masks on and shit. We're like, Freddie, it wasn't us. He's like, yes, it was. I heard your voices.

Then he came back to us. He's like, listen, I'll let you rob me once a month. But you've got to split the money with me so I can buy an eight ball to fuck my wife. So once a month, we'd go down there and give Steady Freddie a beating. And we'd kick the fuck out of him. Just on principle. And he let you do it. He wanted to the cops You know that's the only way cops and we did it like eight times So what did you give him black eyes bloody noses take them in the stomach a couple times?

That was it we need them neon belly. I didn't know what it was no video back then either No, no, not see how to leave marks on them. Yeah, you have like kick him a few times I couldn't do it. I had too much of a heart, so I always had to hire. Like I had to bring like one of my crazy friends. That was having a bad week. That was having like a bad week. There's a kid in Miami

today that every time, every time I place South Florida, he shows up with his girlfriend and he gets fucked up and he tells the story when I knocked on his door with a diagram on how we were going to rob Freddy. And he goes, that's when I knew that you were fucking for real.

He goes, I was eating dinner with my family. You knocked on the door and had a sketch, like the deal, how you were going to kick him and run into the weeds and go right to the coke dealer's house. Like, I had it planned. We had done it so many times. But I had to keep getting different partners because I couldn't hit Freddy. All I could do was tackle him. Like, I had it planned. We had done it so many times. But I had to keep getting different partners because I couldn't hit Freddy.

All I could do was tackle him. I was good at tackling him. And then once he'd go down, I had my friend kick him a few times. It was fucking horrible. But when you're 16, Joe, what the fuck, though? You got to have a good time, you know? You got to have a good time.

If you're not going to kick study Freddy, who are you going to kick? Jesus Christ. You're so right about the numbers. My grandmother loved the numbers. That's big Italian. Big. And the Sicilian end, they have dreams.

They have dreams. The Vespa came to them in the middle of the night. That's my grandmother. And told them to play 644. Yep. My grandmother would not shut the fuck up about it. And then they give you a little note and they fucking. And the Sicilians are almost as bad as the Cubans.

The old school Sicilians are very superstitious with the eyes. They make those fucking soups with the eye and shit. I had Sicilians in my neighborhood that I'm still very tight with. I still talk to her a lot, but even the way they spoke Italian scared you. Like the way they, the ferociousness in their fucking language, because they got beat up for years. The history of Sicily is a very fucking

sad one, but it's so, you know, there's that expression, never fear Rome, the snake lies coiled, and never call the dome, the snake lies called in Naples. Nobody ever gave Sicily respect. They were like the bastard fucking child.

The kids I grew up with had blonde hair and blue eyes, which really puts it in doubt. Other people say that the Moors conquered Sicily and raped them and shit. And we discussed it until the night of the Vespas when all the men got up and cut their dicks off and shit that's why it's very what happened if you look it up on wikipedia night of a thousand vespas or something look it up guys let's get this facts right of a thousand vespas the moors were torturing the sicilians in the 1400s torching them 1500s and they were raping their women and one night the sicilians got together and fucking couldn't take it no more. And they got up in the middle of the night and they killed these motherfuckers. But they cut their dicks off and shoved them in their fucking mouths.

And that's why Sicilians are very sensitive when it comes to the issue of rape. They can't. They can't because it's in their DNA. Like, they can't. They got raped. They got slaughtered. It's in their fucking thing. These Moors.

The Moors are who? Like crazy black people from Africa that fucking left Egypt? I think they are from Africa. Yeah, that's from Africa. These Moors. The Moors are who? Like crazy black people from Africa that fucking left Egypt? I think they are from Africa. Yeah, that's from Africa, the Moors. Guys, what the fuck? That was the whole premise of that scene in True Romance. The Sicilian Vespers. The name given

to a successful rebellion on the island of Sicily that broke on the Easter of 1282 against the rule of the French Capetian King Charles I. Yeah, I was wrong. Who had ruled the king of Sic2 against the rule of the French Capetian King Charles I. Yeah, I was wrong. Who had ruled the king of Sicily since 1266. Within six weeks, 3,000 French men and women were slain by the rebels.

The rebels. And the government of King Charles lost control of the island. It was the beginning of the War of the Sicilian Vespers. Hmm. And it gets, go down, but it gets even. The Moors. Once you get to the Moors Sicilian uprest

That's a fucked-up country. That's like Cuba So they fucking sank their belief in the Catholicism religion, but a little more like most people That's my people. Yeah, no a little more than most people They really believe and they put them a Luke on you, and I hope you fucking die and they spit on themselves You know my mom couldn't say cancer without spitting on herself what the somebody would say cancer my mom will oh that's so disgusting she's spinning now i do it i do it all the time now people talk about cancer i'm by myself i spit on myself it's so weird that was my grandmother my grandmother

was so crazy man my grandmother went to grandmother was so crazy, man. My grandmother went to jail because she wouldn't rat out the mom. Because she was running numbers. My grandmother was running numbers. She went to jail for six months. We'd always be like, where's grandma? Oh, she's with Aunt Annie. Where's grandma?

She's with Aunt Marie. Like, why is she with Aunt Marie? Like, that doesn't make any sense. Then one day, when I was like 20, they told me. You know, grandma was in jail, right? And I was like 20 They told me You know grandma was in jail right And I was like what She was crazy She had a monkey named Chi Chi

The monkey lived in the attic My grandmother was off the charts crazy She was very artistic And Chi Chi fucking hated everybody Except my grandma My grandma would feed this monkey gum The monkey would take a stick of gum, unwrap the gum, and start chewing gum in front of you. The monkey knew that it was gum.

It didn't try to eat it. It just chewed it, like you would chew gum. The monkey would sit there and chew fucking gum. He would peel bananas in front of you, but you would come near him. When he was with her, he would bite your fucking face. Like, no one could come near Chi Chi. was with her he would bite your fucking face like no one could come near chichi she was the only one so this like crazy lady had a monkey in her basement or in her attic so we would come over to hang out my grandmother she'd make homemade pasta they would make homemade sauce from the tomatoes that my grandfather grew those jersey beefsteak tomatoes he always had a

garden my grandfather always had he always had a big fucking fenced-in garden in his back. He was growing all kinds of things. He would tell you how to grow them. He was very meticulous about it. He was really invested in his garden. They would take the tomatoes. They would make fresh tomato sauce. My grandmother would make fresh homemade pasta.

It was fucking sensational. The food was sensational. My grandmother's homemade pasta has a taste that, like, to this day, I don't think I've ever experienced it anywhere else before. Because you can get really good homemade pasta at a restaurant. You can get really good homemade pasta, you know, at a nice place. Some folks know how to make it. But when you're getting it from someone who's, like, literally making it in the same way that the original immigrants.

It's very different in the way Italians make it. The Italians in North America have a very different style of food and of cooking. With red sauce, that was not as popular in Italy as it was in America. All this pasta and meatballs, spaghetti and meatballs. These are American Italian dishes. And my grandmother was a master at those. Oh my God. She would make these fucking meatballs. You'd walk in the house

and they'd be cooking. You'd hear the crackling and the meat. You'd be like, good fucking Lord. She would cook them on a frying pan. Just get these motherfuckers perfect and crackling. And then she would cook them in the sauce for hours that sauce would just just simmering for hours she would check it stick a wooden spoon in there

put that lid right back on and walk away she knew when it was done and you would have this italian food it was just so ridiculous so ridiculous but it's they've been americanized but if you go to some homes, like there was a home in my neighborhood, there were very nice people, and the grandmother always cooked, and her dishes were never red sauce. They were always based with pasta with beans, which I love. I love Chichipas.

I love pasta fazool, that spinach. Listen, there's no better meal for you as a health thing. I don't give a fuck. How come some people say pasta fazool and some people say pasta fazoli? Because they go to Olive Garden. What is the right way to say it? I don't know. I don't know.

Because my family always say pasta fazool. Pasta fazool. But what is pasta fazoli? That's the same thing? I don't know how it breaks down. Is it a dialect thing? It's got that stuff in it. It's not spinach.

It's something else. Is there different dishes? I'm not that stuff and it's not spinach. It's something else. Is there the different dishes? I'm not... I think it's the same dish. I think it's gyro gyro, honestly. Everybody, yeah. Everybody has it. You know, somebody's pasta fazool is completely different than the rest.

If you go to Whole Foods, it's completely different than when I go to my friends in Jersey's. It's a thicker stock. It's got the spinach with the beans and the little fucking pastas in it, and they freeze it, and that's where the strength comes in. It gets stronger and stronger, and that garlic. And in the winter, that's what they offer you. But that's poor meat.

See, Italians are very poor. Yeah. So all their dishes are based around really potato beans and pasta and bread and bread bread was big my grandfather used to go to this bread store that was a bakery that was down the block we would walk down the block on north 9th street we'd go about two blocks down and we walk into this old school italian bakery that you know it's since 1926 some shit like that on the on the sign and you would get basically the same kind of bread every day. And it's sensational. Had fucking real Italian bread from New York, New Jersey, like that area, from the immigrants.

Holy shit was it good. And you didn't just get bread. Thick brown crust. You cut that motherfucker with a serrated knife. And it's just delicious. Like, you don't get bread like that out here for some reason. And if it was a good day, the motherfucker was making Zeppelis. And you bought 10 of them, and the bag would leak with the sugar on it.

And on the way home, you'd be inhaling bread and fucking Zeppelis, and nobody gained a pound. Nobody was allergic to gluten. There was nothing. People were rubbing Zeppelis on their fucking faces because I was one of them. Let me tell you what meal I discovered like at 12 in an Italian house. Fucking cannoli from Hoboken. Carmine

would go to Hoboken and pick up cannolis. The guy would only make 16 of them on Fridays. So you had an older guy. He only gave you four. That type of shit. Their family was that type of shit. Hoboken is very Italian. What happened to Hoboken was like anywhere else. We don't want to live in Hoboken no more.

We're going to move to, you know, Jersey City. So all those areas got a taste of Hoboken. But all that northern New Jersey shit, that's all Hoboken at the end of the fucking day. Those are years and years of Italians that were in Hoboken. You know, working on the trains and all that shit. You know, Hoboken, if you ever saw Hoboken in the 80s, it was a fucking dive. You would go to 4th Street, all that shit. You'd get mugged down there.

They were fucking around. When Bob Du Bois and all those guys, Armando Arribas, were running fucking basketball down there. I used to take a bus to Hoboken to play basketball. And, bro, you had to guard that fucking ball. You had to watch your hooded sweatshirt. They would jack your shit, though. But I knew the benders down there, and I used to go down there, and I used to go to a place down there that had that bread with the point.

Oh, yeah. Because it's not round at the end. That's the shit you see now. Well, sometimes they would get round loaves, too. Oh, my God. Sometimes they have those round loaves. At the top of the witch's hat, you take that motherfucker off and put a piece of hotel bar butter in that motherfucker and let it melt.

Good googly moogly. You feel your heart beating. No, and the Zeppelis, no, no, you'll never see that again. I think that there's still part to the city. And somebody, one of those guys, I think Anthony Bourdain went to Brooklyn a few weeks ago. And he went to one of those places that had Zeppelis. Somebody. a few weeks ago and he went to one of those places that had zeppole somebody bourdain went into this one there's like a an italian deli that serves lunch they'll serve like pasta with red sauce

and a meatball and the place has been under the same family's ownership since the 1800s something crazy like that and this guy who was running it was a little boy he's a he's an old man he was a little boy when he started working there and so bourdain is showing these pictures of him these old school black and white pictures of him in this place and now here he is running it it's crazy like those that's like a direct connection to the people that came over on those boats that's that's wild shit man i don't think about it too much but when i, my grandparents were both born in other countries. They were both born in Italy. And my grandfather on my father's side

was born in Ireland. My grandmother on my father's side was born in Italy. They were all immigrants. All of them. They all came over in a wave in the 20s and 30s. They survived the fucking Great Depression. They were a different kind of human being. They're different kind of human being.

They're different kinds of human beings than we are today. So much so. The metamorphosis of the human race from the time that people came over on boats to what we are today, it's bananas. I mean, it's almost like one of the biggest leaps of like a culture changing in a rapid way. Like the human beings of today in comparison to the human beings of, you know, to make a number, 100 years ago. Because my grandparents, it's basically almost 100 years before they came over here. It's crazy. That's a crazy world they lived in, Joey.

They didn't even have a video of what the united states looked like and they had the balls to get in a boat with kids and come across the ocean it was supposed to be a better life and it was you know and what people don't know there's an episode of the sopranos when he explains how uh they all came to a neighborhood remember there's a beautiful episode and he goes oh when they tried to buy the eggs. Remember, they tried to buy the store where they had eggs on the corner. And he goes, let me tell you something. He goes, we came here, my family came here 80 years

ago, and we all moved to a neighborhood. That's what families did. So all the Rogans would live on third. Every Rogan, cousin, you know, they weren't all Rogans. Whatever they are. Regalanos, they were all... My grandfather's name was Rogan. So they you know, they weren't all Rogans. Whatever they are, Regalano's, they were all. No, my grandfather's name was Rogan.

Rogan. So they all moved into an area. And then when they got, he said, he goes, then they went up to Guinea Gulch. He goes, and they all went to Broomfield. And he goes, you know, this is the only place in the neighborhood that you can still go and get chicken eggs. Not those fucking supermarket eggs. He goes, I can't sell it to you. fucking supermarket eggs.

He goes, I can't sell it to you. And it was all those neighbors, whether it's Hoboken, uh, Brooklyn, you know, all those Canarsie, those Italian people came over,

they live nine to one apartment, you know, and you know what really, uh, saddens you that those people that came over and never got to see the fruits of their labor, they never got to see what their great grandson did or what, do you know what I'm saying?

In a way, yeah. But they did. I mean, I think they got to see the world change. Anybody that came over from the 1920s and went through World War II, you got to see some goddamn crazy change in the world. And I think back then, too, a greater sense that the good guys won. Right now, the line's kind of blurry in the United States. Back in the 1940s, after we won World War II and it was over,

and they show people, like, kissing in the streets, you're not going to see that shit again. We don't have the same enthusiasm about war as they did then because back then they really thought there was good guys and bad guys. It was real simple. There was Nazis back then. There was kamikazes back then. There was crazy messed up

japanese dudes were flying planes into fucking boats they attacked pearl harbor they gave they didn't give a fuck this was a dangerous time so when when japan want when japan signed and after they bombed hiroshima and nagasaki when they eliminated those fucking cities and japan signed the truce agreement or whatever the fuck it was that was everybody was it was over like we had won like people were happy as fuck back then so they went through that which is a pretty crazy time they went from the time of no movies to movies that's a crazy time they went to see movies they were like one of the first well their generation was the first to have televisions

They saw TV for the first time when there was no TV before them no one had ever had TV before when people returned home From World War two where they treated the way they when people came back from Vietnam No, I totally bought spit on total fucking baby killer and all that shit when did that fucking sting start when was it fucking good to go to an airport after a war and spit at people who went over there? You having a fucking opinion about somebody who went over there and actually put his life up? Whether he knew or not, what the fuck is going on? You're 18 fucking years old. I think in World War II, didn't they give you a 30 fucking 5?

They didn't give a fuck, right? Or World War I. What are those fucking wars? I don't know if anybody really did spit on anybody and call them baby killers. Yes, they did. They did some. The hippies.

It was all the hippies. Make love, not war. That was a part of the thing that someone refuted about the Chris Kyle story, because Chris Kyle said that that happened to him. Someone called him a baby killer. And he was saying that this is all, like what he's doing,

he's repeating something that someone else had made. I need to look into it more. But for sure, they were treated, like a lot of people thought the vietnam war was a bad idea they didn't think it was the same as the way they thought of world war ii world war ii was like a war that everybody kind of agreed how to happen there was a crazy guy in germany that was taking over the world and he was killing jews he killed millions of fucking people then there was a japanese that were in on it together somehow. I mean, it didn't even make any sense. They don't even speak the same language.

They're in cahoots. So it was the Japanese, and then there was the fucking Americans, and the Russians were involved, and like fucking Christ. So when that was over, those people had experienced some gigantic change. They felt like it probably made sense that they came over here. They came over to the baddest fucking team ever, you know? And everybody was like a part of it. When,

when you see that celebration, everybody's kissing in the streets and everything after the, uh, Japanese surrendered. That's a, that's a powerful, iconic slice of like that embodies like what that time meant to a lot of people.

That shit doesn't happen now. So they, I think they experienced a lot of pretty cool shit they experienced a lot of goddamn change and what we're living right now i mean is an amazing as this world is right now if we keep going at the same rate i think 100 years from now people are going to look back at this time and go look at these silly fucks god damn these people were suffering they still got colds you know they still had to worry about losing weight they still had to worry about you know getting enough sleep.

They were worried about their health. These poor fuckers, if they got the flu, they had to stay home. There's going to be some shit 100 years from now that's going to just fix everything anytime anything's wrong. There's not going to be any more health concerns. Our concern is going to be making sure that we don't have too many people on the earth. That's going to be our number one concern in like 100 years. But the things that we look at now and we think, God, I couldn't imagine living like they lived in the 1920s. Fuck.

That little stupid ass TV. That little tiny ass black and white TV that was the size of a laptop. And it was in a cabinet that looked like a fucking gun safe. You remember those stupid things? Giant ass cabinets with his little stupid screen That was black and white and a record player on top and it would lift the whole thing would lift up on top And he had like a speakers and the TV in the middle with the controls over here that you had a lift up Mm-hmm over here was the record player

So he had a switch TV the stereo and then the speakers were over here, and they both came in. Jesus. Those things are cool. That's what I watched Superman on for my first time as a kid. I remember watching it on TV on one of those. I watched a lot of fucking Yankee games with my grandfathers. You know what they would do when the TV would go bad?

They would put a smaller TV on top of it. They didn't want to get rid of the cabinet because the cabinet was so nice. And then TV started becoming smaller. They became like like a plastic box like a shitty kind of plastic box so take that shitty plastic box put it right on top of the other tv like everybody did that everybody had a tv on top of the broken tv my mom put a tv on top of the other tv so she could see the mets and the yankees at the same time. That's how my mom did it. They're Cuban.

They love their baseball. She loved the Mets, but she would love, like, when we was playing the Yankees or whatever, so. She was the original sports bar. Yeah, at the house, though. At your house, but she was the original sports bar. You go to a sports bar, you're overwhelmed by the amount of different games that are going on at once.

But I also remember the fights I saw at her bar. Like, at her bar, I saw, it was, I got an education that I don't remember a lot of those fights. You'd have to tell me. But I saw all the great fights that were on ABC Sports at that bar. When they'd fight in the afternoons, 4.30 in the afternoons on Saturday. I still remember. This is how fucking old I am. 4.30 in the afternoon on Saturday.

I still remember. This is how fucking old I am. I did a scam fall with these Jews, with Cy Lawrence, this fucking Jew in Jersey, where for years he used to bother me. Listen, if you ever need any money, we'll sue somebody. And what he would do is in the daytime he'd go around and look for holes and inconsistency in supermarkets and shit. And he'd set up the whole thing for you. All you had to do was fall.

Oh, my God. That's so crazy. The guy was a genius. They paid him. The major colleges and some pro football teams paid him, and he would fly out and scout other teams. That's how much of a genius he was. What do you call those people that, not dunce. Eddie always says those people, they're only good at one thing.

Idiot savant? Idiot savant. I mean, he was missing a tooth. His shorts had pee on them. He lived in a garage. Okay, because every dollar he spent was a degenerate gambler. Oh. But that's what he did.

He went around in the daytime looking for holes and he's like what do you want what do you need 20 g's i'll make it 20. listen we go to the supermarket i'll knock over the applesauce you fall down and stay down till i give you the nod all right you start yelling and screaming then you pass out and when the lady comes over he had the whole scam the next day he picked you up he took it to the attorney's office he took it to the hospital he took it to the ch scam. The next day he picked you up. He took you to the attorney's office. He took you to the hospital. He took you to the chiropractor's office. He took you to everywhere you had to be.

And his philosophy is he got you with as many doctors as he could. You had to quit your job. You had to quit your day job because all he did was make appointments for you, and everybody was in on the scam. So in his world, the higher your doctor bills, you got ten times that. So if your doctor bills are like fucking or something like that, if your doctor bills were half a million, he could get you

$100,000, $200,000. You know, like if you lost a finger. He had the whole menu. Oh, you need $60,000? Give me a finger. You know, fuck it. Let's lose a finger on a tub and shit like that. He was that crazy. Wow. So I went ahead and go to a chiropractor. He told me. That's how he sold that crazy wow so i remember i had to go to a chiropractor he told me that's how he sold it you want to make money you got to punch in so you got

to go to all those doctors every day and take the treatment and the doctors have to give you the treatment even though they know it's a scam they're in on it wow so that i remember going to the chiropractor he would put those laser beams on me, those pads on my back and just walk out of the room and then come back. But I went up there the day Boom Boom Mancini killed the Korean guy. It was on Wide World of Sports on a Saturday afternoon. Yeah. And I remember that.

It was like time stopped. Like the phone was ringing at the chiropractor's office and nobody was answering. That's how much of an intense fight this was. Like the people came out from behind the counter and it was on regular tv i think fox had just come in fox wasn't still around i don't think it was around you yeah no that was like abc wild bill of sports 83 83. what year did fox come around it was when i was in high school so when i was in high school. So when I was in high school. 88, they had The Simpsons and America's Most Wanted. So 88.

86? No shit. Okay, so I was out of high school. Wow. So it must have been when I was still living at home. I remember The Simpsons. I mean, that was when... Didn't Fox start with The Simpsons?

Yeah. The Tracy Ullman Show. The Tracy Ullman Show? Yeah. When did The Simpsons? Since 1989. Tracy Ullman had The Simpsons? Since 1989. Tracy Allman had The Simpsons. It was really horrible animation in the Tracy Allman show.

Remember, The Simpsons looked all weird and they all looked messed up. I don't really remember. My memory of that is foggy as shit. I do remember watching those fights on ABC Wide World of Sports. You know, NBC had boxing on a Friday night recently. They had World Championship, or maybe Saturday, but Adrian Broner versus John Molina. And then they had, what was the other fight? Keith Thurman versus Robert Guerrero.

It was good fights, but they went the distance. Bolton went the distance. When you're watching boxing on regular TV, it feels weird. It's like, whoa, boxing on TV again. It's been off of regular TV for a long-ass time. I think that's one show they should bring back. I think that was my first Discovery Channel was Wide World of Sports. That was one of the most interesting shows when I was growing up

because you didn't know what you were going to watch. I don't think Wild World of Sports would last in a bar today or even then because every once in a while they have ballet from China or Hong Kong and people go apeshit. I still remember watching Aaron Banks

karate championships on Wild World of Sports. As a kid, I used to go to the garden to watch this. But his big closer was the guy who they put a mirror in front of and they'd shoot at him with a.22. And he'd put a mouthpiece in his mouth and he'd catch the bullet. Come on, guys. I've heard the guys doing that.

Fuck yeah. That's a trick, though, right? Listen, I'd love to fucking tell you no. I think I'm pretty sure that's a fucking trick. that is it and then he spits the bullet on yeah I think man and smoke comes out of the fucking bullet yeah I don't know you know but that was his main thing right it's some sort of it how do you practice I mean that that was why I always wanted to know and what the fuck do they have a practice here eat bullets who's gonna let you come over and you shoot at him with a 22

We start by throwing grapes in his mouth. Are you fucking crazy? A grape of the bullet is two different bodies. You gotta start slow. Oh my god That's how I used to figure it out. Nobody could just just do it one time You got a practice that shit and tell the timing and fucking Pam and no one to twist Yeah, that's a carny trick. And if they did do it, there's got to be some bodies involved. We've got to do a documentary on it. Where are the bodies of the people who tried to catch bullets with their teeth? Let's not try the shotgun this time.

Let's just try a regular gun. Let's just try a regular.22 or a BB gun or something. Well, they definitely have killed people accidentally in those stupid magic trick stunts. It's definitely happened. It's definitely happened. I know I've read it. Well, they definitely have killed people accidentally in those stupid magic trick stunts. It's definitely happened. It's definitely happened. I know I've read it. I've read stories about people dying doing crazy magic experiments.

When you're trying to really push the limits, you've got a lot of variables involved. One could go wrong. Next thing you know, your fake gun. Like when Brandon Lee died. He died on a set of a movie in a special effects scene. They shot him with a fake gun, a gun with blanks, but there was some piece of a shell or something that was still in the chamber of the gun. And that shot into him. You know what that was?

What? The triads got him. Do you think so? You really do? You know those people, the Sicilian dog? Listen, you know what? I'm going to kill you and your fucking son. Really? You really think that You know those people? They're Sicilian, dog. Listen, you know what? I'm going to kill you and your fucking son. Really?

You really think that's what it is? Because I had heard that he died, that Bruce Lee died from some sort of an allergic reaction to a drug. Listen, he was doing, he did three or four movies with these fucking heroin fucking salesmen. They invested $6,000 and they fucking went to the bank and said they made millions. Nobody knows how much Enter the Dragon made. Nobody knows. It's 42 years in, correct? Right.

80, 90, it's 42 years in. See what that made worldwide the first week. You know how many fucking copies of Enter the Dragon are out there? That's Raymond Chow. After fucking Raymond Chow went into business with the studios, he made Enter the Dragon. I don't know if it was Raymond Chow or the other guy the studios, he made Enter the Dragon. I don't know if it was Raymond Chow or the other guy, Sterling Silhouette or one of those fucking guys.

After Bruce Lee died, Raymond Chow really fucking blew up. And he was a heroin fucking guy too. I mean, he ended up, what did he own? Chow Chow Studios. What was his name? Run Run Chow. Run Run Chow Studios. They ended up doing Charles Bronson movies and Clint Eastwood movies and shit.

They gave him a cut of the action some way or another. Wow. This is crazy. It says he died from a cerebral edema. Right. Some Chinese guy could tell you anything. Listen, my father died of a cocaine heroin overdose, a heroin overdose. They told him he died of a heart attack, and they never signed the death certificate.

Where's that doctor today? I guarantee he got hit by a bus two weeks fucking later after he signed that cerebral herbatoma. That guy died two weeks later in a fucking building fire. He couldn't get out of the fucking elevator. This is what it says here. Around that time, I mean, obviously, when someone's writing something in Wikipedia decades after the fact, who knows?

Who knows how much of this is bullshit? He went to some chick's house. Off the bat, he was adulterous. They paid that chick to bring him over, and that's where they fucking whacked him. It says, around the time of Lee's death, numerous rumors appeared in the media. Lee's iconic status and unlikely demise fed many wild rumors and theories. These include murder involving the triads, and it's supposed to curse on him and his family. There you go.

Both the ones I told you. What the fuck? Who do you think you're dealing with? He used electrical muscular stimulation that may have exacerbated or resulted in his condition. That doesn't make any sense. So what they're saying is his conclusion, David Teer, a forensic scientist recommended by Scotland Yard, who had overseen a thousand autopsies, was assigned to the case. His conclusion was death by misadventure

caused by an acute cerebral edema to a reaction to compounds present in the combination medication equagesic. I don't know what that shit is. A pain reliever for a headache or something like that. So all the sidekicks he took to the fucking head and all the aspirins he took in China never affected him until that fucking night

when he went to Madame Chu's fucking house. I mean, he died with a stand because he was actually in bed with her. He was in her bed. I mean, a bunch of stories changed to make him look bad at the end. When he left those people to do Enter the Dragon, he pissed off a lot of people, man.

He was making them a lot of fucking money. Well, you know what? Apparently he was already having seizures. There was a pissed off a lot of people, man. He was making them a lot of fucking money. Well, you know what? Apparently he was already having seizures. There was a doctor, a neurosurgeon, who treated Bruce Lee during his first seizure in May of 1973. He was eating hash to fucking come down from the pain. He was one of the first people that figured out that hashish was what's Advil? When you take it, what's Advil?

Ibuprofen. No. What's it really do When you take it, what's Advil? Ibuprofen. No, what's it really do to you besides kill pain? It's called a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory. Hash is an anti-inflammatory. Yeah, it is. And marijuana. So Bruce Lee figured it out first.

Bruce Lee used to eat hash after fucking working out to reduce the thing. He would have died a long fucking, his brain would have swore a long time ago. That guy died in the height... Guys, nobody... Right now, right now, there's not too many people to remember the day he died. I mean, first of all, nobody even heard the day he died because news didn't travel that fast. There was no internet.

We got it like two days later that he died. And I remember half of America was walking around fucking wounded. And I was one of those people. And I didn't believe it, because he was fucking healthy as shit. He was flying through the air. He was making it fucking happen. But he went back to China, and God knows what they did to him over there, dog. And we'll never know.

His preliminary opinion, this is really interesting, preliminary opinion of Dr. Peter Wu, the neurosurgeon who treated Lee during his first seizure, preliminary opinion of Dr. Peter Wu, the neurosurgeon who treated Lee during his first seizure, was that the cause of death should have been attributed to either a reaction to cannabis or equidistic. Cannabis.

This is how you know it's bullshit. His doctor is telling him that it might have been weed. Very potent Nepali hash killed Bruce Lee. I told you, he was a hash head. That's hilarious. He discovered it first. Listen, there used to be cookies at Kushmart that whatever you ate, whatever you ate during the week

was good, but he used to have these cookies that were oatmeal infused with hash oil. And guys, that was when I first started my diet, when I was 418 pounds, and I couldn't walk, how sore were my ankles. And I would eat two of those hash cookies, and the next day, my ankles would be like a fucking toothpick the fucking hash would

reduce everything I wouldn't even feel it bent over rows nothing my back hash is the best it's amazing and he was fucked up Joey okay this is a this is a fact he had a ruptured disc in his back that don't use someone had given him yeah but this is one of the reasons why he was taking all kinds of different shit to try to deal with the with the pain and he'd already had seizures so he had seizures he had a ruptured disc in his back and he was getting medicated the seizure they explained the seizure they're talking about is the shit they tried to throw an anthology and the biography about him that he he would go away. Like he would go away.

Like he would go away and you'd have to say, Joe, Joe, Joe. Oh, sorry. But the doctor is saying seizure. It says neurosurgeon treated him for his first seizure. It's the same guy that says that pot might have killed him too. I don't believe nothing out of China. I love Chinese people and I love their theories and stuff. You just think they killed him, huh? They killed him. They i don't believe nothing i'm trying i love trying these people i love their theories and stuff you just think they killed him huh they killed him they killed that chuck norris said that his death was a reaction between the muscle relaxant medication that he'd been

taking since 1968 for ruptured disc so he was taking that the ruptured disc shit for a long time because he died in 73 keith richards is still alive But he's not getting kicked in the head either. Keith Richards, how many times do you think he fell downstairs? Alright, come on Joe Rogan. How many times do you think Keith Richards fell down the stairs? You think you look like that because He seems like the type of dude that would be able to figure out a way to land correctly.

This fucking guy went into, listen Joe Rogan, when you're fucking with that type of environment, you fuck with them. You could kill their mother and they don't give a fuck. When you hit their pocket, they don't deal with that shit. The Chinese, listen, the mafia concept was stolen from the triads. They're still the smartest guys in the world. They're probably at war with the government from who's bringing the heroin in.

They brought heroin in for years. Not one DEA case, not one DEA case that goes, Hong Mo Ling for heroin has ever been caught on smuggling. They're geniuses. They pay everybody. These guys, when it comes to their paper, they don't fuck around. In 1985, they got sick and tired of giving the mafia pounds of heroin for $50,000. The mafia was cut at 10 times, making a half a million On a $50,000 investment

They got sick and tired of the Chinese Go to fucking Whatever now See how small little Italy is Who do you think took it from them? The Chinese They don't fuck around dog They don't fuck around

They're still out there When you go to Wyoming Why is there a Chinese restaurant there? You think Chinese people like Wyoming? No, they stayed after the fucking railroads, and then they got cut in on the fucking heroin trade. How do you think the heroin gets to Wyoming? Through fucking white people in envelopes?

Fuck no. It's those Chinese people. I don't really believe that. That's a joke. But when I was a kid, I heard a lot of stuff about the Chinese. Well, I don't like to believe crazy conspiracy theories, but if I was going to believe anyone, I would believe that the Chinese mob would kill you

if you somehow or another fucked them out of money. I mean, that's one that seems like they made him famous too, right? I mean, he wasn't famous before those movies. He was famous. Before those movies? Dog, by the time he hit Chinese Connection, I still remember the two-hand punch. The two-hand punch in the school was on the fucking commercial. We're watching Happy Days, bitch.

We're sitting around 20 fucking Puerto Rican kids with robes on at a Catholic school with pajamas on, ready to go to bed. And all of a sudden they go, this Friday, come into the movie theater. Play the trailer from the Chinese Connection, Jamieie play the fucking trailer i want you to trailer play the fucking trailer from the chinese back then yes you got to see the one from the french connection you got to see the one from the mechanic hard times has a phenomenal trailer hard times have had trailers, but it was the voice before this voice. It was the voice before this voice.

And he was a little meaner type of guy, so they didn't play it at Children's Hours. But I still remember the best trailer of all time is The French Connection. As they're shooting him in the back, as he's going up the train, and Gene Hackman goes, freeze, it's Popeye. And shoots him in the back, and they locked it. And it said, filmed in new york where it happened look at the fucking look at the trailer for chenny's connection and shit a golden volume onto it see this presentation wow bruce lee is the real superstar in the wake of his what do you do if you're eight right now watch this what do you do if you're

eight dig it bam bam bam right here what do you do when you're right you lose fuck buffy what's this look at this you lose your fucking mind fuck god Godzilla. Fuck Clint Eastwood. This was the first Clint Eastwood. He went back to China. They looked at each other. He's throwing people through the fucking air with each hand. Look at this.

This was the trailer. This is when they killed his teacher. Look at him. That's the opening. Look at Youngman. This is a movie you have to watch. This is one of the greatest movies of all time. He had fucking Steve McQueen

in his ear on the phone telling him what to do. And it's all dubbed. It wasn't even his voice because they didn't like the way he talked. Look at this guy. He kills this motherfucker. Hangs him. That's how angry he was in this movie. Sounds like Bobby Lee. Watch this this this when he made a meet the glass. This is tremendous

Attack them Everybody wanted to be Bruce Lee bust out the new chucks in this movie He didn't bust bust them out in Fist of Fury, which became Chinese Connection. He busted them out in this one. That's when he made them eat the fucking glass. That's when he hung two of the people. That's when he killed the first Russian. Come on now. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with?

He does a move in that movie, Doug, that is so sensational. His anger. You know, he started hanging motherfuckers. Don't be hanging. That's Clint Eastwood type shit. Hang him high. And we gotta check the dates. Maybe Clint Eastwood robbed him. Of course he did. This is the horror of progress. But everybody was hanging people

back then. Even the Chinese fucking people had to add a chick to the fucking drama to see if they got the other trailer. See if they got the other really good trailer. And you notice how he has to make out with a Chinese chick, too. Would they have movies back then where a Chinese guy would make out with a white girl on film? Did they ever have movies like that back then?

I don't know. Enter the Dragon. Jimmy Lee fucked a Chinese chick. Right, James? James Kelly? What was his name? What was his name? Jim Kelly. Jim Kelly fucked I remember he could Yeah, like eight of them sent to his room John Saxon with the wig Is there another do you remember Chuck Norris versus Bruce Lee? Yeah, let's watch that real quick

That's that's sensational. Yeah, see if you can find Chuck Norris versus Bruce Lee came on HBO and my head almost I made my mother get me HBO when the Groove Tube came on because the chicks ran through the jungles with tits. The Groove Tube is cousins with Kentucky Fried Movie. What is it? I've never even heard of it. Kentucky Fried Movie? No.

The Groove Tube is Saturday Night Live before Saturday Night Live. They made two movies called The Gro tube and kentucky fried chicken kentucky fried movie kentucky fried movie i saw a kentucky fried movie oh look at this this is the game though that's the game god damn look chuck narrs taking off his black belt look how young he is okay bruce lee this is a gay porn look how slowly they're unroving no this is the game and look at how look at charles chuck norris' chest. Charles Norris. Look at his chest. It's all hairy and shit. It's before dudes figured out shaving your chest. When you see this

and then you don't like wrestling, what do you think the big difference is? It's a movie, motherfucker. I'm not going to see a play. This was huge. Brian, this was... Brian, this was something that you cannot imagine. This was... Every nerd had. This was every nerd had a hero.

Every immigrant had a hero. Everybody had a hero. Look at the kitten. Look at the fucking kitten. Everybody had. That place has a million cats on there, the Roman Coliseum, though. Dude, look what he's doing. He's warming up.

They're both warming up. They're doing kata to warm up for their fight. They're not even looking at each other. This is the craziest fucking scene ever. This is fucking tremendous shit, man. Look at this. America has to put these four movies on and realize why. Stop talking. You only saw one fucking movie.

You gotta see all four. Forget the Game of Death with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. That's a horror show. Just watch this one. Look at this. That's what he does when he meows is when the fight starts look at him dog he had like six percent body fat at this time this guy wasn't gonna die joe rogan people like this don't die don't fucking insult me he didn't die they killed this poor little kid but this is

really fascinating i've never seen a movie that i recall where two guys warmed up like this before a fight but that's but that's it's fascinating how they just don't even look at each other. They move away. They go in their own little fucking world for a while and they meet in the center. Like these are, this is a different thing than a fight in a movie, you know? Like this is two guys agreeing. We have to find out who's the baddest motherfucker alive. You know, they agree to do it the right way.

Everybody warms up. Bruce Lee catches a good sweat. does Chuck this is crazy shit man I forgot how crazy this is this is the beginning guys Joe and I talked about the movies of 1973 you really want to watch the shit today go ahead but this is where it starts this is where all these movies are stolen from and they can't even steal them they don't know why they even did this. Look at Bruce Lee's getting into his fighting stance. Look at the cap.

Bam, bam, bam. They're both throwing front leg roundhouse kicks to open up with and front leg side kicks. No one's hit anybody. They're blocking everything. Oh, Chuck Norris scores with a wheel kick to the face and smiles. He doesn't even follow up. He's a gentleman.

No ground and pound. Right. Oh, shit. Chuck is putting a beating on him. Oh, my goodness. Oh, Bruce Lee grabbed the goddamn chest hair. That's not fair. That's rude as fuck. This is also the beginning of Tang Soo Do. When Chuck Norris split from Taekwondo and he created this shit.

Really? Yeah, he's a Tang Soo Do guy. Yeah, but I don't think he created it. Well, supposedly. Yeah, it's his style. I mean, it was definitely his style, but it existed before. So they did two different Tang Soo Do's. Right, there's Tang Soo Do's Soo Bak Do, and I think he went the other way.

There's a Soo Bak Do that they all started together, but he went the other way. Yeah, Tang Soo Do had a little bit of grappling in it. it yes they had more grappling in it than taekwondo did they had like some wrist locks and joint locks and stuff here we go so he gets his timing he starts jumping up and down and it's all lights out but the beauty of this is this is going to remind you of something joe just keep keep watching. Watch him. Oh, shit. Isn't it dishonorable to grab somebody's chest hair and rip it off them, though? Not when you're in the fucking Roman Coliseum. Whatever happens, happens.

You understand me? You're trying to. As long as you don't eye-put. Watch all these. Watch all. This is still slow-mo. Nobody knows nothing. Watch Bruce.

Hold up. How fake is this Roman Coliseum they're fighting in? Look how fake that brick wall is behind them. They keep showing a picture of the Coliseum. And then a look how fake that wall is behind them they keep showing like a picture of the Coliseum and then a brick wall be This is crazy shit Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee They slow everything down

This is hilarious Hilarious. The sound that it makes every time they throw kicks is hilarious, too. Hey, dog, it's 40 years ago. Look at the camera work. The guy's trying, man. Yeah. He's like, kick the fucking camera. He's trying. Meanwhile trying he was our poster of the Roman Coliseum behind that poster

It probably shot this in Laurel Canyon. That's Laurel Canyon Chuck Norris is watching his feet. He kicks him in the face Oh Chuck Oh Hands down. Damn. Damn what? Wow Chuck just shook it off. Beautiful hair back then. Oh, the oblique kick. John Jones style, son. Bruce Lee was the first. Oh, front leg round kick to the face. Chuck Norris goes down.

Nobody had ever seen anything like this before back then. This didn't exist. You never saw a fight in a movie like this. When you were 11 and 10, your head almost blew up. You left there looking for somebody to say something to you. You fucked them up, including your dad. You didn't give a fuck when you left these movie theaters. Look at this, Joe Rogan. You know, whether or not Bruce Lee ever competed,

that was like the big thing about him is that he never fought. Like Chuck Norris was like world middleweight kickboxing champion at one point in time. Bruce Lee definitely did a lot of sparring, for sure. There's no way he could be this good. The way his timing is, his movement, his understanding of what would and wouldn't work. Like these, in a lot of ways, even though some of it is ridiculous, The way his timing is, his movement, his understanding of what would and wouldn't work. In a lot of ways, even though some of it is ridiculous, some of his movements are more realistic than shit you see in the movies today.

The way he checks with that oblique kick, the way he counters when you're moving in, it's very realistic. These scenes, the way he's fucking this dude up is a lot like the way someone who's at a really high level is fucking somebody up in the UFC. It's really kind of ironic like the way he's the shit nobody does this no, Bo That's a move and a half. I told you in the 70s everybody swept Joe Rogan everybody You had a you had to watch that front leg you were getting swept once you got into range and you threw two punches And they felt it you were getting swept dog everybody swept the sweep has disappeared from our society he broke his father there you go

there you go who the fuck you think you're dealing with i'm giving you armor his leg that's on my hand when i was out of eight balls that's how it shakes he did he broke his arm in his legs legs up to he fucked them up he's trying to get back up listen watch this is a tremendous movie this is tremendous guys next time you see Chuck Norris looking dumb with the wig think about this think about this move look dog he gets up even though if it's a movie, Bruce was very smart. He goes, let this fucking guy up.

This is a great scene, dog. He can't stand. But he gets up. This is a good fucking scene. He gets up. This is tremendous, guys. Look at him. Look at him.

He's trying to throw kicks. Can't get up. I forget how it ends. Doesn't he kill him? Spoiler alert. Beautiful. It's a beautiful ending. He even got up correctly with a fucking damaged leg.

What the fuck? The cat. What the? Oh cat? What the... Oh yeah, motherfuckers. This is Cinematography 101. I didn't think that was real. Look, you gotta make guillotine. Oh my god.

He killed him with a guillotine. First time ever. He's upset that he had to kill him. That might have been the first guillotine ever in a movie. I believe, back it up a second, I believe that was an arm-in guillotine, which is particularly difficult to pull off. I don't think, uh, I don't agree with his technique here. Let me see.

Back it up just so here. Is that an arm-in? Let's see here. Can't see his other arm. I feel like that's an arm in guillotine which I call bullshit no it's not arm in is it? it looks like it is

it's hard to finish that one man you gotta get up high on the neck or you gotta have an unbelievable squeeze let's see what do you got nope I don't know man tough to tell where his arm was if Chuck Norris had the underhook there

it's very hard to don't turn it off watch what he does where his arm was. If Chuck Norris had the underhook there, it's very hard to... Don't turn it off. Watch what he does. This is insane. This is tremendous, guys. Bruce Lee was a fucking soldier. And he wrote all these.

You know, he wrote all these, though. Look, watch. Watch. Oh, the music plays. Dusts off his kung fu jacket. By the way, how many black guys dressed like that in the 1970s and 80s? I had the full outfit. My mom was going to send me back to Cuba.

They sent me to the Santeria priest. They didn't know what was wrong with me. Here we go, guys. No, no, no, no, no. What happened? There's just a YouTube comment. That's not the whole movie. He goes and gets his gi and puts it back on top of him.

Oh, did he? He puts his gi back on top. And his belt. puts it back on top of him. Oh, did he? He puts his gi back on top. And his belt. And makes it look nice for him. Very nice. It's a great fucking scene. Guys, come on. This is garbage.

This is not good. This is garbage. How dare you. You know what? Pull up the trailer to Hard Times. Pull up the trailer to that. Team 73, watch the trailer. And then we'll go to the mechanic. Watch the trailer to that. 1973, watch the trailer. And then we'll go to the mechanic.

Watch the trailer to the mechanic. You got to see the trailers to the good, the bad, the ugly. All those movies, it was a different type of editing. It was a different type of cut. Very impressive. Fuck, man. It was a different world back then, man. It was a different world back then, man. A different world.

A lot more believable back then. Charles Bronson James? Why does it say Charles Bronson James? No, they're pickup fights. The money's made on bets. What does it feel like to knock somebody down it makes me feel a hell of a lot better than it does him 1933 america had hit the skids people were out of work and out of luck third refill cost the nickel life was as tough as a cheap steak it was hard times. A man had to live by his wits.

You know, he was 50 when they made this movie. Deal! There's an old dude back then but in great shape starring and that dude that he fights was a gas station attendant on murrow's across from paramount that's how he got that he got that in the longest yard really yeah that man spoke soft yeah but would you like to and hit hard james James Coburn as Speed, a born con man. 50-50 on all scratch bets and expenses. All side bets, I keep 75%. That's how it works. Who can make a fortune in a day.

I propose a toast to the best man I know. Me. And leave in a minute. I'm flat broke. I need some money fast. What the hell are you doing doing you don't want no trouble just you pay your debts speed was the hustler broke his car with a sledgehammer when you had money about that except who wins shane was the hitter you ever get scared when you do it i don't think about it. Together, they just couldn't be beat. You give us our damn money now. You wanted that money.

Take it. Now I got the gun. I don't think you want to use it. One way. You want to see another? Charles Bronson, James Colburn, Jill Ireland, and Strother Martin. They're a knockout. In hard times. God damn!

Every punch has the exact same sound effect. Every punch is... It's such a weird artificial sound. Why didn't they have someone actually punch something and get the sound from that? Did somebody once make that sound and then everyone just accepted that sound? Because why wouldn't you just sit there and just go like that instead? Well, you know they have those Foley artists, those guys that make sound for movies, and they just decided on a sound.

It's like wood clapping together or something like that. Now, you want to see a real trailer? Let me show you a real trailer. This is what took trailers to the next level. Shaft, please. See all this hunky-dory music? Shaft took it to the next level. Shaft woke you up in the movie theater with that funky guitar.

I remember this movie. Yes. They did a documentary on John Fitch, and it was a really good documentary. Hold on a second. But one part of it was like, it was all about the gritty, real life of a contender, a guy fighting GSP for the title.

But when they showed some of the fight footage, they had sound effects over the punches. It was like, psh, psh. And I was like, whoa whoa whoa whoa? What are you doing like you guys have like the realest shit on earth? You're showing guys fighting in a cage, and you're having sound effects over over punches I don't know if they kept it in and I didn't get it see it again I only saw like I think it's called such great heights. It's a documentary. They made way back

What year was that? It was right up to the fight for GSP. They shot the documentary with him beating GSP. They thought he was going to beat GSP. That he was going to beat GSP. It was a good documentary. I don't think they shot it thinking he was going to beat him. They shot it hoping he was going to beat him, but knowing that this is a really tough fight. But I just was like, why do they have sound effects i hope they pulled it out because other than that it was a

great documentary it's um it's just weird when you get like you start mixing things like you're you're adding sound effects to like an actual fight like that's imagine if like ufc started doing that like every time somebody hit somebody they added a sound effect. Like you wouldn't know what's real and what's not. The lines get super blurry. They have a guy like in a truck that's like got a button

that he presses every time he punches somebody. He's had three different sounds. It's possible. One day. Someone's gonna do it. Someone's gonna doll up

some fake ass shit. I don't like when they do it with stand up. Oh thatass shit. I don't like when they do it with stand-up. Oh, that's bad. You don't like when they do it with TV shows. I don't like when they do it. It's just something. It lets me. Takes you out of it.

Yeah, it just makes me not want to watch it no more. Yeah, laugh tracks in sitcoms are very confusing. Very confusing. They use laugh tracks on sitcoms sometimes when the sitcoms aren't even shot in front of an audience or they did at one point in time that it wasn't just that they added laughs to juice up a joke which they definitely do but it was also that they did it like they they weren't even in front of an audience at the time and they added like some fake laughs where they thought it should be funny, which is so weird, because you're watching it at home,

and you're supposed to go along with it, but it's so inorganic. It's almost like a light goes off that tells you time to laugh now, time to laugh now. It kind of has the same effect. It's so weird watching Lucky Louie, which was Louis C.K.'s first show, because it was in front of a laugh track or a studio audience.

I think it was a studio audience. And it was just so weird because you'd get something out of the fridge and you'd be like, oh, no, hey, Jim Norton. And everyone's like, ah, ah, ah. And it's like, that's not supposed to be there. It's so awkward. Well, yeah, that didn't work out, that show. But he figured it out.

He figured out how to do it. Just do it all yourself, which is really crazy that someone does that. He does the whole thing himself. Pretty amazing. He does a lot of the writing, produces it himself, edits it. He used to edit it on a little laptop. I mean, I don't know how he's doing it now. But back in the day, he was talking about how he was editing his show on a 12-inch MacBook.

He used to always do his own, for his website, he used to always do his own stuff, like videos. And he had, like, podcasts a long time ago that he used to do himself. He had, like, little YouTube videos. Yeah, YouTube videos. he had like podcasts a long time ago that he used to do himself it's like little youtube videos yeah youtube videos and they had a podcast yeah it's some kind well he had a video podcast so if you if you go on itunes right now and look up uh louis ck podcast it actually is still up there it's really weird how many times did you do it not many it's like six or seven times but i remember back in the day before uh that dane cook louis ck audio thing i would always try to help him out like like hey would you like any help doing videos and he's like i got it i know how to i know how to edit video and i'm like oh damn that's pretty sweet yeah he always edited he was well he was a director too he directed pootie tang back in the

dis a that's right yeah he's uh he's done a bunch of different things man he's a creative dude he's got he's got his weird take on things. It's very uniquely him. You see that on the show, too. His show, Louie, doesn't remind you of any other show. It's weird. It's very uniquely him, his idea of what's funny. Well, that's why the show is successful, because he does it from A to Z.

What a shame. He has to do everything for a year from A a to Z but that's how it becomes good I think that's the only way to make anything and not like you you're gonna have a different idea of how to do something then Brian is and Brian's gonna have a different idea than Sam Tripoli and it's just down the road it's the no matter what it's real hard to get everybody to agree on shit and it's real hard to one of the things that makes someone really funny is their own unique like sense of humor and when you you add in a bunch of other people's sense of humor

sometimes that original whatever would be funny about the original thing just doesn't come out it's not the same anymore because there's so many different like things that you've added to it it's kind of like changed and watered down it doesn't feel like joey diaz's words like if i saw a sitcom somebody put a sitcom around you but you had a bunch of other guys writing for you man i'm pretty sure i'd be able to tell i'm pretty sure i'd be able to tell it's not the guys writing for me it's what the network does to it after that too that's why louis controls the thing a to z because we all know that you do the table read on t Tuesday you rehearse fucking Wednesday

You rehearse Thursday morning and Thursday afternoon You do a run-through and the fucking network comes in when the producers and then that night before you leave they give you notes And then you do it again the next day in front of those fucking people again You know give you notes then you shoot in front of the live audience or whatever the fuck you do on Friday night It's right o'clock So it's really weird. Sometimes you might have a great line and the audience laughs,

but they'll come back and say, take that line out because it offends somebody or our next episode. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? This is a great line. I can't put it in with this shit, but that's where Louis' success comes in, that he went to the network and said, listen, I'll do this, and I'll take this money, but this is my end.

I'm handling this from A to Z. The first time some 25-year-old comes in with a suit, just graduated from Syracuse, to tell me how to do my comedy, the deal is over with. Because that's what ruins all of them. That's the tough part of the comic in you. That's what ruins all of them. That's the tough part of the comic in you. When you're doing a TV show, you're on the weekends out there talking about getting stabbed and eating somebody's asshole, and now you're doing a Disney show from Tuesday to fucking Friday, and they're telling you you can't say hell.

You've got to say something else, and the show sucks. One of the great successes that you have to take it off of Roseanne Barr was that when Roseanne Barr went for it, she went for it. When they told her that they wanted her to knock Cosby out of the box, she went for it. But you know what she did? She went back to the comedy store, and she hired all those guys that she thought that were quirky. Even if she could get one line per show out of them, they were worth the $5,000. And guess what? Those writers they give you at networks, nine out of ten times, they don't know how to write a fucking Columbia or a fucking Philly or University of Houston,

wherever they went to fucking do. You know what? We were out on a drop of a dime, bro. I like when you get a couple comics with a couple people who know how to write and put that together. But I don't want four guys that are just specifically writers for a comic like myself. Right. They'll work for a comic like the Bacon Guy or somebody who's clean or something like that. But for guys like Jim Jeffery, you're not going to get network fucking writers to write

with his fucking craziness in his mind. You got to get two guys that are similar to him and mix them with two guys that know formats and maybe. Yeah, that's how it works. Even then I don't think, I think he's got to write his own stuff. Oh yeah, yeah. Maybe. Yeah, that's how it works. Even then, I don't think. I think he's got to write his own stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then you come in there. No, no. Listen, they give you a line. And how many times have they given you a fucking line? And while you're looking at it, after you rehearse it, I go with what my gut tells me. If you say a line to me in rehearsal and I spit it back at you, the first thing I say is what my gut tells me. Then they'll come over and send the bitch with the glasses and say the line is that you're gonna kill the cat

Yeah, all right watch this BAM and it works again. What's the line here? The line is the one I just said the killer cat ain't getting no fucking funny response But the network will want you to say kill the cat I'm just saying right because if the writers will tell you the writers to tell you I've Yeah, I've seen that many many so if the comic if the comic says, fuck you, I'm gonna do this line, you mix that with the two guys you got, and that because the comedians are coming from a different

school of thought. The guys are the writers, they know how to structure. I'm talking about structure and what's gonna work and all. You ever get four comedians together, yes, we'll have an explosion and we'll have helicopters and the chick flies out. That costs a million dollars. Oh, they didn't know that. Now they got to rewrite it all over again.

You get two guys that know what the fuck they're writing and how to structure shit. You get two crazy fucking comedians to write for you and then you add to the fucking mix. But guess what, Joe Rogan? That's a lot of work. And even then it's hard to do. That's a lot of work.

It's hard to do. It's hard to pull off. That's why there's not that many of them. Yeah, you're not going to write and do everything. What you're going to do is get, listen, 10 years ago, I would watch Chris Rock, and I always admired that, and then I found out the real story. When Chris Rock would use his specials, he would hire Nick, Louie, and Richard Jenny. He had that much faith in them.

They all came up together. And if you watch two of his specials in those days, you see all three of them in the special. You could see when it's a Nick DiPaolo joke in there. You know, and I'm not saying I'm going to tell the joke that Joe Rogan gave me. I'm going to add my flavor to it. You know, you're never going to have somebody come up to you and go, Joe, do this line on stage. You're never that type of guy. But somebody might give you a good idea.

Premises. Probably will give you a good idea. Premises. Probably will give you some good premises. And if you watch even the fat hanging over the heel, that's a Nick DiPaolo type of thing. Right. When he says that joke. You saw it. You saw the development of the special. You saw that maybe it's an hour special. He put

30 minutes in. Nick put 10. Richard Jenney put 3 three and louis put 20 he had enough trust in those guys that's when the special is good when you have guys who really know you guys that could go to you know what i you have somebody like that wrote write something they go you know what i wrote something it's a little too wild for me joey maybe it'll work for you and you hear it out and you're like maybe it would i'm not going to use it because somebody else wrote it but do you understand me yeah sometimes once you have that type of trust in that level and you could see it you could see it in chris's specials it's it's a comedy collaboration

and it works but somebody in there has to be structured i'm funny joe rogan i know how to say shit off the kick but i'm not structured you know i'm what I'm saying? I'm not structured. Well, that's because the beauty of what you do is not a structured thing. You know, when you're on stage, it's this wild, loose thing. That's part of the fun of it. That's the vibe. That's part of the fun of, like, how you perform. So, like, when you try to

turn that into a sitcom, it's like you're capturing lightning in a bottle. Lightning only exists for a brief moment of time, flashing through the sky. You know, they're about to make Uncle Buck again. With a black guy, right? With a black guy. Who is it?

Mike Epps, who I love. Mike Epps? Yeah, who I love. He's doing a lot of shit. He's doing prior, too. He's doing prior, too. The problem with Uncle Buck is anybody they... Uncle Buck, when they write it, they write it as a crazy guy.

The guy has to be naturally crazy to sell this. You know, anytime they'll sell it now they'll sell the guy who smokes a cigarette and goes to the gym oh he's edgy you know he's playing like volleyball with a beer in his hand or you know something stupid where that's what they're selling instead of the attitude right that's what that's what you want to see is the attitude. It's not what the writers, you know, his words are. I just don't want to see another Uncle Buck. I don't want to see a guy who takes the kids to the track. That's been done.

That's been done. Leave it alone. But that's where it's at today. But again, they remake all that shit, but they don't put on Wide World of Sports, which is a real education. You understand me? And now we got real sports on HBO

who they tackle those subjects. They go to India and watch the young kids with the camels and the whole fucking deal. Yeah, last night I was talking about the people in Nepal, the Sherpas that take those people up to the top of Mount Everest. Holy shit. They make like $5,000 a year. Like 24 of them, 25 of them

have died over the last couple of years. Scary, scary shit. There's only 100 of them. And these people are carrying all this shit up to the top of Mount Everest day in, day out. They spend long fucking hours sleeping on the side of a glacier. Scary shit. Wild show, man. They did a really good job of capturing it all. Wide world of sports.

Wide world of sports. I mean, real sports with Brian Gumbel. What were you saying, Brian? Have you seen the new nirvana documentary that was just announced it's uh it's actually court courtney has lent all her personal movies for once like her home movies and stuff and there's also a 13 minute uh song that kurt never released and stuff and it's it's heartbreaking if you watch it it's really well done and it's coming out in the next month or so.

But check it out. They mix animation and a lot of different medias with it, and it's a pretty depressing movie. It's hard to believe that guy killed himself. Even after it happened. She fucking killed him. That dirty bitch killed him. She poisoned him.

The triads killed him. She poisoned him. No, no, she put the gun to his head. There's a whole conspiracy theory up there. Yeah. Do you believe? You got to sneeze? I don't believe it. the gun to his head. There's a whole conspiracy theory up there. Yeah, do you believe, you got a sneeze? I don't believe it.

I used to believe it, but the more I watch and learn about Kurt, it seems like he was just a tortured soul. Yeah, it seems like he was, I mean, heroin, especially like severe heroin addictions, very depressing. Very depressing. You know what's beautiful, though? What? The sky?

I love how America gets always, whenever they find recordings in the safe. I got to take a leak real quick. He recorded, it's his last 13-minute song. Listen, if it's any good, he would have fucking released it, all right? Yeah. America loves buying shit that somebody found in a fucking safe. It's fucking amazing how America loves it. Oh, these are the re-released, the unreleased.

Tupac, did you hear that shit? That album was fucking terrible. He's Tupac. If he wanted it released, he would have fucking released it. The reason why it's unreleased is because he listened to it and said, this fucking blows. I think this movie definitely is going to make a huge new surge of Nirvana fans that maybe haven't really fallen into that hole yet.

There's a lot of young kids that don't even know what Nirvana is still. What are you doing? Not doing nothing. What the fuck is wrong with you? The podcast you do, Church of What's Happening Now, you guys now have HD cameras

and you're doing it. How many times a week do you do it now? Twice. Twice? And have you switched it from the six in the morning shit that you used to do? Now it's normal times? Yeah.

What time is it? Is it a certain day? Every day is different. Tomorrow's two o'clock with Steven Bauer. Every day is different. We used to do it Mondays and Wednesdays,

but I had some shit going on today. I could only do this with Joe, so you have to be flexible. I'm home the next four weeks, so I can do it whatever fucking day I want. to be flexible i'm home the next four weeks so i can do whatever day i want you know yeah great i usually always do one monday monday you gotta have one up during the week wednesday or thursday you do what the you want did

you see ari our boy ari shafir this friday he not only had his uh special but it was also followed by his new tv show uh you know, the storytelling show. Come on. Yeah. It was great. Come on. And this was, you know, like the couple days after that Howard Stern was just like, who is this Arlie guy? Meanwhile, he has like two shows on a Friday night at midnight on Comedy Central.

And his billboards everywhere of him. I didn't fucking know that. Well, he's got one billboard on Sunset. Anyway. You know, but it's beautiful having it right in front of his house. You know, Howard does that. He pretends he doesn't know what you're doing. You know, he pretends he doesn't know, like, that the kid is a successful comic.

He just mocks people. You know, I mean, someone's talking shit about him. He's going to mock them. He's not going to bother Google searching them. Why would he do that? Whatever he says, like, in his reach, you know, it's gospel. So Ari becomes a loser. The whole thing is kind of funny.

I can't believe that he talked about it for 25 minutes. I just didn't understand that. And he backtracked so many times that he listened to it because he said that he never, I mean, he literally said podcasts are for losers. And he kind of backtracked that whole saying. And he's just not paying attention to what everyone else is talking about he's just kind of like no no no no if you want to be in radio and we're like we're not trying to be in radio he's just do you think he's just protecting his value for serious radio i think he's talking shit and when he talks shit people start talking about him and i think he's just he's a smart guy he knows knows what he's doing. He's like, by saying things that he, like,

saying that Ari's, like, doing a stand-up into a podcast, you know, just, I guess he's buying, if you want to be by yourself and no one's listening, you know, get a job in terrestrial radio. Those jobs don't even exist anymore. I mean, try, try, and not only that, that's not what a podcast is. What a comic is doing on a podcast

is just having a good time, just sitting around talking shit. You're not trying to, like, the idea of having the pressure of being hired. Like, somehow or another, that's good. This is what's good. What's good is the creative process. Like, what comes out of a podcast? When you're putting it together and the conversation's flowing

and you're trying to figure out what story to tell and how to say it and it comes out and people are listening, the entertainment value, that's undeniable.'s what that's what's important if you want to just talk about how much money is being made and where it's like you're missing the entire point like you're missing the entire point if that's what you're talking about with stand-up if you were saying you know well you're stand-up you're stand-up you're not making any money you don't even know what you're doing you know i've sold out arenas but your stand-up is not imagine a comic saying that to another comic who's trying to figure out how to do it what's what's what's good about you're doing. You know, I've sold out arenas, but your standup is not. Imagine a comic saying that

to another comic who's trying to figure out how to do it. What's good about standup and what's good about podcasts is that people enjoy it. That's it. That's what's good about everything. Everything you make, whether it's a movie or a song, do people enjoy it? If they enjoy it, then you're successful. Then it's successful. The idea that you can't make any money on it is just not true. So if he says that, I feel like he's trolling. I feel like he's trying to get people to talk about him. That's what he always did, man.

You got to understand how clever that dude was. He would go into markets and you don't just compete with a guy in a market, okay? You go in a market and you own him. You go in the market, you put up fucking posters. You stage a fake funeral for Mark and Brian. You give them a funeral, man. You mock people to the end of time. You spend hours talking shit about them on the radio.

It's some gangster shit. And that's what he always did. It's straight gangster. He would go in and just jack a town. You gotta understand what you're dealing with. This guy's not stupid, man. If he's talking shit, he wants people to talk shit back. of town but you gotta understand what you're dealing with like this guy's not stupid man if he's talking he wants people to talk back he knows that there's a load of podcasts and when you start talking back then you know you're comparing your accomplishments with his

accomplishments and in his mind he can't lose but he i think he trolls he's just too smart it's not just that he doesn't believe that like keep saying to get a job in terrestrial radio. He doesn't even have a job in terrestrial radio. You know, I mean, he's on Sirius. And you can't just jump right into Sirius, obviously. But for comics, like, that's not a smart move. You want to be nationwide. A podcast, like, he's got to know that guys use podcasts to sell tickets.

And people that most people have never heard of, you you know outside of the stand-up comedy and podcast World like Tom Segura is not a household name, but that motherfucker is selling out places all over the country small Theaters yeah everywhere he goes he's selling out clubs And it's directly because of his podcast to say that that's not a good idea And that he should be on the radio in Connecticut somewhere, that's not true. So I don't think he believes that. I think he's just talking shit. And I think Ari Shaffir's podcast

probably has led him to a lot of his success in Comedy Central and his TV show and the storytelling show. There's a path from Ari starting that podcast to keeping up with stand-up comedy that he can't deny has helped his career.

100%. Everybody that does a podcast has benefited from their podcast if they do stand-up. Every single person. This guy named H. Dizzle, he does a podcast out of Austin. He's the one that first turned me on

to this whole Howard Stern podcast thing. He made a great point is if you look online, if you go to YouTube and you find some recent channel or recent shows of Howard Stern on there, and then you look at recent shows of you, it's amazing the difference of the numbers. It's like there was one that he brought up that was like hundreds of thousands of somebody

just put up an episode, or you put up an episode on YouTube. Hundreds of thousands. Then there was one in the same time period of Howard Stern. 2,000. But this is like the main guy that puts up Howard Stern's show every day on YouTube. So it's just interesting what is his numbers. Because none of us know.

Sirius probably doesn't even know. Oh, they know. They know. He's huge. Don't get it twisted. Howard Stern's gigantic. I'm not saying he's not gigantic, but what is his numbers? Well who cares? That's you're doing this you're playing the same game as he's playing and you can't win

He's he's Howard Stern like you got it like what is his numbers Jesus Christ? It's probably like 20 million people who the fuck knows what it is I don't know how many people have serious satellite radio Well, I guarantee you if people have seriousius satellite radio and they're listening in the morning, Howard Stern is the number one thing they're listening to. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. I know it's why a lot of people I know bought Sirius in the first place.

100%. It's not a small number. I mean, the reason why this Ari thing got so huge, a lot of people might not listen on YouTube, but a lot of people are definitely listening on satellite. 100%. Like on XM and Sirius, whatever it is. 100%, there's a lot of people listening to that. It's not a flop by any imagination. So if just because these things don't get traction on YouTube,

you know, people listen to that show in their car. That's what the Stern show has always been. You listen in your car, you listen on the way to work when you're commuting, you listen home. And now because Sirius has two channels, they have Howard 100 and Howard 101, you get his show, you get replays throughout the day, and then on 101, you get all these old shows that he did. Like, you'll hear him interviewing Bon Jovi in the fucking 90s or something. And if you have an iPhone, you have every single TV show, and it's free because you have YouTube.

And you can just stream it from... Who gives a fuck, gentlemen? I mean, when I'm talking about Sirius Satellite Radio in your car. That's what we're talking about. Yeah. I'm just saying how pointless it is for that kind of thing, now that we all have YouTube or cell phones and I have Bluetooth, because we can get Howard Stern's show right now,

that he did today, on our phone. Right, but you can't listen to it live. Like, this morning I was listening to Sirius, the Opie and Jimmy show. And they had some guy on from Boardwalk Empire. I'm listening to it live. I mean, he's talking live. You're hearing it live. There's something about that that's always

going to be appealing. People love to hear a show that's going on live. And you love the fact that you just get in your car and you press XM and you find out what the fuck is on it. Or Sirius. You know, you press it and you find out find out what's on like you don't have to go searching through your podcast you can just hit your your favorites you got 101 and you're tuning into the channel there's always going to be a benefit in that but they're probably all going to wind up doing both that's what it's probably going to be it's probably going to be like some sort of a serious show but also

have it be a podcast too and this the the networks like the idea that you're going to be able to keep like a lockdown on tv's car radios with satellite like that's not happening anymore they're starting to everybody knows that he doesn't like the idea that howard stern doesn't know that is ridiculous he knows about stitcher and cars and the dude's very savvy so he knows that they're going to have without a doubt they're going to have internet access and 90 of the cars in just a few years. Everybody that has a new car, like you get a Cadillac now. They have this Escalade.

I rented one when I was in Utah. It's fucking incredible, first of all. They're amazing. They're so smooth. It's not a gauge anymore, not a gauge cluster. It's an LCD screen with an artificial gauge cluster, a huge fucking map, like the navigation system's giant, super comfortable ride, magnetic suspension.

It's got a built-in internet connection. It's a fucking driving internet connection. So you have like built-in internet, like you use it as like a wifi hub, and you can have your laptop, you can download iTunes, you can fucking stream different things on the screens. It's crazy.

You're gonna have podcast apps for all those things. And you're going to be able to say, where's the Church of What's Happening Now? And you're going to be able to press a button on your steering wheel, go to Church of What's Happening Now. And then like, would you like to play an episode? Yes. Episode 4 with fill in the blank. Whoever the fuck it is.

Big John McCarthy. Bam. And then that shit starts playing Welcome to the church of what's happening now Lee science starts talking and then you're driving down the road That's that's in demand and that's inevitable, but right now We're not there yet, and I think guys like Howard Stern are very very clever He's smart shit. You know the idea that he doesn't know that all this stuff is going on. That's preposterous shit. The idea that he doesn't know that all this stuff is going on, that's preposterous. He's trolling.

He trolled Ari, and he got Ari to talk shit about him, and he talked shit about Ari, and now it's his crazy thing, and that's what he does. That's what I think. I also think he you're right, because he's such a computer nerd, but I also think that maybe

with all these TV shows and flying from LA to whatever he does or whatever his schedule is, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's completely a different person. He comes home and takes a little nappy poo and wakes up. I doubt it. You know what I also think? He's also in negotiations with Sirius. Like there's some sort of contract thing.

So what is he going to do? He belittles the competition. He mocks them. And then it becomes gospel. You know, to a lot of people, what he says is gospel. He starts talking about podcasts being for losers, you know, and then you know people comparing the podcast to his show, you know He's got a point. He's got a point He's got like how many millions of fucking cars have serious built into them, you know

My my car is it built in when I bought it. It's in it was on I started watch. It's right away I don't even have to order any special package I get one oh how it used to have to pay for like Howard 101, Howard 100, like a special package to get Opie and Anthony. It was a special package. Not anymore. Nope. It's all the same price. You get your car as soon as you get it. It's on there. I think everyone has it.

I think everyone has it in their cars, but like I have in two cars and they both expired. And I think a lot of people like myself called and go like, how much is it? And they're like, oh, it's 150 for a year And you're like no white what hundred fifty dollars do think about how much booze you buy in a week? I mean, that's like Serious how's he's going on with Jim? Oh, yeah, Frank Florentine

Disco final studio 54 classic vinyl Lithium I get Nirvana Sound Soundgarden, Hair the Dog. I get all that. That's whatever. There's like 10 fucking things on there. Howard, 100. I don't live without Sirius Radio in the car. I like it.

I like it. Do you have Spotify? Hold on. No, I have... That's a phone, Brian. You've got to use your phone to get that. I have... How many people have Spotify in their car, but very tiny number if any right? I mean think I think everybody either has Bluetooth or the plug into their phone where they where they they do every single person

I know does oh yeah, but think about your crowd you're hanging out with a bunch of young comics You know a lot of people don't use Bluetooth yet with their stereo. They just don't they don't use your phone there And if you do use it You got to fuck with your phone while you're driving and go look through things and try to search for something with XM You just press the button. It's right there. You're driving serious. We're nice right Jarvin I'm saying like the things you're saying like the 70s radio station the 80s radio station. They have this on Pandora They have this on Spotify. It's free, steps are you not are you not listening this is what several steps so you just leave it there you pay the vig and you move on with your life and you press the buttons but

it's programming you put ten stations i got ten stations in there all of them are throwing heat at every minute of the day yeah your presets i don't need no spotify i don't even know all this i got it all in there it comes with the car that's what the man's saying it's undeniable that it's a good value if you're someone who sits in traffic and it's entertainment and you need entertainment it's undeniable there's hundreds of radio stations there's a bunch of different talk stations bbc stations you tune into it anytime they're talking about diamond mining in africa you flip to the next one they're interviewing someone in Bangladesh that's dealing with some Isis attack it's fucking great I think it's not good just

because there's Spotify and just because there's the you there's a lot of extra steps involved in all those things if you're gonna want to like set up you're gonna do Pandora you're not gonna listen to the BBC you're not gonna listen to Howard Stern you're not gonna listen to Opie and Jimmy if you want to hear those things and those things are good you've got to do it with Sirius the idea that $150 a year is a lot of money come on man, that's $10 a month $10 a month ain't shit

$10 a month for every single day you get something it seems to me like it's a value it's just not it's not that bad a thing everybody has this idea it has to be one or the other You know think it's they can all coexist It's nothing wrong with having satellite radio in your car I get my wife's car and she listens to all that shit the Gentiles listen to they get scared

Rush limbo and all that fuck shit, you know, my wife is as white as they fucking come I get in the car I gotta give her a look. What is this shit? She got three stations programmed to scare white people shit. That's hilarious. The world's going to end. Michael Savage. Yeah, Obama's in Japan.

I got in the car this morning. We're here live in Japan with Mrs. Obama. What the fuck? I used to listen to a couple of those guys on Sirius, too. There's a few of those guys you can get. Those guys are awesome. They scare the fuck out of you as you drive.

I can't. The only guy I like is the guy that comes on on lunchtime, Steve Harvey. Mm-hmm. That was my dog for you. I learned about Steve Harvey in the mountains of Colorado.

Lunchtime, everything ends in Colorado. Steve Harvey. The Alps are empty. What are they going to do? So what do you listen to? The Steve Harvey radio show? Is that what it is?

Whatever, whatever. Harvey? I don't listen to it no more. I went to it like two years. Now I'm stuck on lithium and classic fucking vinyl. The way up here they had Elton John from Funeral, from a friend, that album. You don't listen to that shit. Who listens to Elton John anymore?

This is when he was with Bernie Taupo. You don't like Elton John? That's what I'm telling you. Do you know Elton John, he's got this Dolce & Gabbana band. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's trying to ban Dolce & Gabbana. He's on a roll. Yeah, because they said something about gay people adopting kids or having kids.

I forget what the fuck they said. Oh, and he's got, listen, let me tell you something. Dolce & Gabbana done. Really? Because when Elton John speaks, people listen. Fuck EF Hutton. That's the gay community. The deep, deep pocket gay community.

Not these little guys jumping up and down at that place in Santa Monica. This is the deep, deep money gays. They don't give a fuck. Why would anybody do that? Why would you talk shit about Elton? Why would you talk shit about gay people having babies? Listen, you don't fuck with Elton John. You don't fuck with Barbra Streisand. There's a couple people you just leave the

fuck alone. Let's find out what it is. Dolce & Gabbana Band. What's up, B? Any other places I can get music from? Spotify? Ringwood? What else? Let me fucking go on the phone and crash. More options for me to take this fucking car off a cliff.

That's what you're giving me. No, I'm just saying that the future I think of that is suspect because I think phones or cars are now having Spotify automatically in there and Pandora just like satellite radio. And I just think the future of that is, you know, I don't know. It just doesn't seem very good. The future of what?

Serious? Satellite radio. It's a program. The idea that everything is programmed for you. The difference between that and something like Spotify or Pandora is you're going to go searching for stuff. Well, no, they have the same thing. What do you mean they have the same thing? Spotify has radio stations

and so does Pandora has radio stations. So if you want a 70s radio station, they have that. And it's just random 70s, you know, it's been programmed. Right, so it'll be star-based then. Then the people that'll be subscribing to that are the people that specifically want to see or listen to Howard Stern or listen to Opie and Jimmy. So in that case, it makes him even more important because this is a fucking giant, multi-billion

dollar company. This is not a small endeavor. If Howard Stern left, you want to talk about the power of podcasts? Here's the power of podcasts. If Howard Stern said, fuck you to Sirius Satellite Radio at the end and started his own podcast, do you know how many fucking people would jump ship and leave? It would be enormous. It would crash the company.

He probably wouldn't do it because he owns stock. I mean, I think he does at least. That's what I've read. Wasn't that part of the thing? That he owns stock in the company? If he wanted to, yeah, if he bailed and started his own podcast show instead, boy, I guarantee you,

their fucking numbers would drop off substantially. Because as time goes on, one thing you do have a point, I told you about that Escalade that I rented, it has internet built into it. It's only like a step or two away from something awesome being developed for Cadillacs. And the idea also, if you have full-time, all-the-time internet connection like that in a car, all you have to do is set up apps like an Apple system where you have just like you have on your phone I mean that could easily be the future of a car

it could be just like a phone man it's going to be nuts you'll be able to download apps into your fucking car but then people are going to hack your car that's going to be an issue too you're going to have a 24 hour internet connection in your car so people are going to start hacking people's cars they're going to be an issue, too. You're going to have a 24-hour internet connection in your car, so people are going to start hacking people's cars. They're going to disable people's brakes.

Some guy's going to fucking kill his wife by disabling her brakes. That's what I don't like. They confuse things too much with that shit. That's when one day you're fucking driving and your windows open up. It's 20 below, and you can't close them. Because that's what I don't like. It's like when you were a kid and you bought your first stereo, and you went to that dude on the corner, and you go, I got $200.

What stereo would I buy? You wanted the Fisher because it had the 8-track, the cassette, the record player, and the four speakers. Any professional would say, don't do that. Buy components. Because if the 8-track works, then the whole thing is damaged. Do you remember when that controversial? Who do you fucking think you're dealing with, fucko?

Huh? Some fucking novice used to buy components. So I didn't like the radio when I was growing up. So I never bought a fucking radio. I bought an amplifier.

I connected a cassette to it and I had a record player with two of those fucking killer speakers that I always seemed to get off trucks. Whatever the fuck. Not Bose.

This is way before Bose. This is fucking long. E or yeah alpines or and uh there was a guy who died reporter what the fuck is his name he died on sunset he crashed his car oh yeah and uh that's one of the things that they were saying they were saying that they think that this guy's car had been hacked the fuck is is his name? Mine has that shit. That freaks me out. Like it's connected to the internet. Michael Hastings. Yes, Michael Hastings.

Thank you. This guy was like super critical of the military. Super critical of some generals in particular. And the guy died. His car, like, he fucking hit the gas

and never let up and drove right into a tree and his car exploded Sure, they electrocuted him right from fucking norad. That's when they send the fucking signal right from norad and they fuck your shit right up Yeah allegations of foul play we're getting to Government you know in the loop now everything was we're against would just Give them to them so i don't you want the government now we know the the cars where that where we're at in our cars they already know

where we're at with our phones didn't they say too when he died they found meth in his system i'm pretty sure that's what happened they always find meth in the system that's the way to discount them they said that he was in a very agitated state, in quotes, this sounds like a hit piece, saying he was incredibly tense and worried that his material was being surveilled by the government.

Friends believe that Michael's line of work led to a paranoid state. USA Today reported that in the days before his death, Hastings believed his car was being tampered with

and that he was scared and wanted to leave town. Fuck. You know, it's one thing to kill yourself, but one thing to hit the gas full clip and drive straight into a tree. How many guys have done that? I think if you're on meth, that would probably be like, I'm doing it, I'm going to die, I'm going to die.

Maybe. Maybe that's exactly right. Think about it. When you're on meth, you do make some shitty choices. Yeah. Especially if you're about to kill yourself on meth. I just feel like most people would want it to be like 100%. Like, hitting a tree with a car might just fuck you up.

I don't know how hard you've got to be going to hit a tree and live. So they're saying it's fucking foul play, correct? No, they're saying they don't think it's foul play. People think he was bananas and he drove into a fucking tree. I think even his own family has said that, but they might just be protecting themselves. They might just be saying that publicly because they're scared.

I mean, this guy was fucking with generals. Generals are professional killers. I mean, that's what they are. That's what they do. They kill people overseas. They kill people that are problems. And a guy who's trying to take down a general, the general's done really good work for the United States as far as like military work and, you know, been a part of some important missions. He's got a lot of clout. And they think that this guy's trying to take

them down. Well, that guy might as well just be the enemy. You're trying to remove one of the most important components of the military. You're trying to remove a general, a general that's been very successful at war. You could easily see why some people would step in and say, you know what, we got to take this fucking reporter out for the country. And then that's how they would believe that they were doing the right thing. That could have happened, man. I don't know. I just don't think that it's a matter of, I don't think it's a matter of impossibility. it's not impossible to control a car in fact there's been some cia guys to say you can do it it can be done like google that jamie pull up can you like michael hastings death can you remote control a car michael hastings death

see if there's a like there's a consensus on that because i think you could do it it's a computer it's a fucking i don't think there's anything that shows that. Because I think you could do it. It's a computer. It's a fucking computer. I don't think there's anything that shows that you could steer the car. Unless it's one of those cars that has automatic steering. Like Michael Hastings' Mercedes. He had a Mercedes. The new Mercedes, you could drive those motherfuckers around town like 30 miles an hour. They will drive themselves.

Okay? You set it. They have like a laser that detects cars in front of you, they slow down. There's cameras that detect where the lanes are, they turn for you. My bug, my Volkswagen, I can unlock my cars through an app,

or my car doors through an app. Look at this. What has been revealed as a result of some research at universities is that it's relatively easy to hack your way into the control system of a car and do such things as cause acceleration when the driver doesn't want acceleration or to throw on the brakes when the driver doesn't want the brakes on to launch an airbag wow you can do some really highly destructive things now through hacking a car and it's not that hard wow wow so if there was a cyber attack on a car and i'm not saying

there was clark added i think whoever did it would probably get away with it oh good lord my sink my ford sink uh sends reports to some office once a month and it tells you my brake uh brakes like how good my brake pads are like everything about my car so it knows everything about my car and has connections to every part of my car I sleep at the machine sends fucking signals to the home front and every 60 days They send me reports to but that makes sense though you sleep out the MC. He's not driving around town into a fucking tree controlling his breathing You could go on a

Report at the end of the month. I don't know about the car thing. Well, they're going to have computers that can control, like, they can virtually control anything. Like, one of our sponsors is Smart Apps or Smart Things. And Smart Things is, you can control your alarm system, your electricity, shut your lights off and on. I mean, these things are like, they're making them. But you know what I like about that, Joe Rogan? What? If you can do it, that means somebody else can too.

So don't open the fucking app. Mind your fucking business. Mind your fucking business. Because that means somebody else could too. So one night you're at home getting your dick sucked and some 13-year-old doesn't want to swat you. He wants to fucking turn the lights on like fucking

poltergeist in your house. You know, you need that shit. Don't fuck with it. Don't open the door the door if you if you know if you answer the email back that says you have a relative that left you five million guess what you're done you're kaput just delete that motherfucker you don't even open it why don't you go back to a flip phone for what because you avoid all this you and ari i don't know he's already gone to flip phone i'm gonna make a confession today that a lot of people don't know i don't even know what the fucking app Ari I don't already gone to flip phone. I'm gonna make a confession today That a lot of people don't know I don't even know what the fucking app is I don't have an app on my fucking phone. You know the single app on your phone. I don't know nothing I Check Twitter and hotmail, that's all I want that shows our apps. That's it. That's it

That's it everything else got nothing. I got a blood pressure thing Oh, you have a nap for my stress. I got a thing for my heart stress. Well, now we got four. To put my fingerprints on there. Is your heart stress? It does everything. I got one of my buddies, John Cutler, up in San Francisco, sent me a thing. You connect to your iPhone and check your blood pressure.

I take it with me on the road. That's incredible. I take it to the gym when I do sit-ups before my head blows up. That's an app. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know nothing about iTunes. Like, I give it to my wife. I go, here, put this on there. I don't know nothing But I don't know nothing about iTunes. Like, I give it to my wife.

I go, here, put this on there. I don't know nothing. I don't know people who fucking, I got my fitness. It's so easy, man. I got myfitnesspal.com on here to count my protein, carbs, and all that shit. But I don't do it from my phone. You do some incredible shit with these things now. I don't do it from my phone.

I do it from the house where there's no misunderstandings. Nine out of ten, I don't have my glasses on my fucking phone. If you email me for something, I don't get back to you. Text me, you're fucked. I don't have my glasses. I'm out of the fucking phone. If you email me for something, I don't get back to you. Text me. You're fucked. I don't have my glasses. Forget it. The eyesight is completely gone now.

I'm almost done here. I'm almost fucking done here. I got to go back to the doctor like in two weeks. How bad is your eyesight? The fucking left eye. Listen, if you see me in my car, just go on the left side. Don't take a chance on the right because i might deck your with that thing i mean is it close and far is it everything or is it the questions i don't see nothing that's what the close to i don't even see tweets no more really

yeah i can't see tweets on my phone unless there's a lot of light you know no those days are done gentlemen it's over yeah my site is really though I could see a coke rock under a fucking carpet. Look at me now Look at me fucking now. Nothing nothing guys It's a real fucking shame, but that's what happens There's supposed to be some exercises you could do for your eyes Steve Maxwell was telling me about the other day it's like it's a book called throw away your glasses and see and I had this woman on named Katie Bowman.

And one of the things she was saying is that when you, your eyes, like when you're looking at things, everything in the same distance, like you're constantly looking at a screen, it's like having a cast on. Like it makes your eyes atrophy. It's not good for it. Like you're supposed to be looking at things

all different distances, looking at things from far away, looking at things from close up. And when you look at things all different distances, your eyes stay pretty good. But when you're just constantly staring at a screen on a regular basis, your eyes start to get really shitty. I think that's definitely, definitely with me. I could tell when I started really sitting in front of a computer in my eyesight, it just demolished it.

After 44, it just ate it, ate it, ate it up. Like, what the fuck? Some people are just constantly looking at their phone. That does it too. But if you can just incorporate a lot of distance looking into your life, like go outside and look at things far away, like your eyes will have like a better medium. Like let them focus on shit that's really far away

and focus on some things that are close. When you do it, you got to balance it out, just like anything else, I guess. I'm sure I don't use my iPhone to the abilities. I understand where Ari went back to the flip phone. It's too much of your time consumed. Yeah, that's what he felt. But I feel now that, you know, if I get an email, I like to get my email. You know, that's very important to me.

My main email, I like to get it. You just got to have discipline. Just don't look at your fucking phone all the time. I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to go on there and read what's going to happen on Yahoo. That's never, I don't give a fuck. Ronda Rousey, that's got nothing to do with me. That shit got nothing to do with me.

I read what's important. You send me an email or call me. That's all I fucking know, all right? I don't know nothing. When I'm out of the house, you're dead. I don't take pictures, nothing. Nothing. I'm out there living I'm paying attention you're not instagramming no life is too fucking quick I have no idea I have no fucking idea there's a there's a certain aspect to it that I think is pretty cool the the idea that you can get an alert on your phone and go check about some breaking news that's happening right now

and you find out about something you would never have found out about. I got friends that will call me. They're sitting in front of the TV waiting for something bad to happen. Then you look at the phone and you're like, who the fuck is calling? No, no, I get it. I got it. I can see that. I can see that. I'll call them back. I get the message. GPS. Just when you're somewhere and you're like, where's the closest Starbucks?

Or where's something? Ari says he's not on his phone as much now that he has his phone. Bullshit, because he's spending ten times longer trying to type a sentence to me. Like, the other day, we're going back and forth, and I'm just like, what is... Oh, yeah, he's on a flip phone. And he's like... Yeah. Yeah, it takes longer to make text messages.

Well, that's how you eliminate the text messages. I just call you. Let's just call. Forget it. There's no spending. Well, you know, that's what I'm saying. You don't make texts anyway. No, I don't want to do it.

I don't want to send nobody pictures. Don't send me nothing. Nothing. I'm a simple guy. There's an infamous video that Brian made a long time ago about sending Joey Diaz texts. Oh, at the old Houston Laugh Star. Yeah. That was fun.

That was fun. Yeah. What year was that from? Joey Diaz, Ready to Die. It was called. And it was, yeah, around that. That was 10 years ago. Isn't that crazy?

2005. Pete still had that club. Can you believe that shit? Wow. That's crazy. It's sad that club doesn't exist anymore. That was one of the all-time great clubs. It's sad that a lot of clubs don't fucking really exist.

Sad. Sad that a lot of clubs don't exist. Yeah. And a lot of new ones have opened. I've gone to a lot of good clubs the last three years that I didn't even know existed. Cleveland's a good club. Indianapolis is a rocking little city. I had never been there.

Buffalo's always rocks. How long has Helium Portland been around? Seven years, maybe. Seven years? Really? No way. No. It's like three or four.

Maybe. All I know about Portland is Portland is Houston, Texas in 1990. Comedy has become the thing to do, and it feels good when you go up there as a comic. Oh, yeah. In Houston, all the bartenders, they didn't know your name. Just some hip guy was down. Let's go down there and have a beer. That's it.

That's what it's become in Portland. Right. And I feel that. I like when I go up there. The afterwards, the food in those trucks, the weather for three days. That's probably one of the best up and coming right now. Portland. But all the heliums, the smiking motherfuckers.

All those heliums. They ain't fucking around. Ari called me the first time. He goes, you're right about Portland. The Cuban sandwich is fucking primo. They ain't fucking around. They got great food. Portland is the other place where I have the ranch dressing.

The other place where you do have ranch dressing? They have spicy ranch dressing over potato tots. It makes your asshole fucking bubble. You actually like some ranch dressing? Is this a new revelation? The lady told me after I ate it. It's not like I fucking ordered it. It's pink.

It's red. It's like fuego. Well, it's probably like a homemade ranch. It's not really like the ranch you motherfuckers eat at home. It's probably just ranch mixed with Red Hot. That fucking malaria. No, there's a lot of like craft restaurants up there that are making their own food. Yeah, that she makes their own sauce.

It's delicious. There's a fucking place I Instagrammed it. There was a truck that we went to. It was a Thai cheeseburger. Holy shit, it was good. What was on it? Oh my god, that peanut saute sauce, hot peppers, like grilled jalapenos.

I don't know what kind of cheese it was. There was a bunch of other shit on it. I had two of them. I had to go back. I couldn't even fit it in my stomach. I crammed that fucker down my throat because it was so good. It was so delicious. I mean, it was probably the most delicious cheeseburger I've ever had in my life that's it right there it's called the brunch box yo you don't even tell by that picture that picture it's got bacon on it

the cheeseburger see those fucking grilled jalapenos and good god it was good fucking amen i was like i can't believe how delicious this is like it was so unique it was such a bunch of different flavors in your mouth. But they're, like, into shit like that down there. Like, little small businesses that do a great job and make really good food. It's like, it's an art form to a lot of these people. And that's why they, I think that's why stand-up sort of thrives in that city, too. It's a very creative city.

Stand-up is amazing there. That fucking helium was spectacular. Spectacular. Spectacular. So fun. From the fucking staff to the people to the reefer to the food to the weather it's kind of you know if you're here for a month and it's sunny you go up there and it's got like that batman weather like gotham city it's like gloom you appreciate it you come home yes you do you know and uh when i went to cleveland it's like fucking where Batman lives. I told them.

The Riddler lives here. Everybody lives here. The Joker. This place, I'm from the plane. You're like, Cleveland don't fuck around. Look at you. What do you got for the Cleveland hat? No, that's Atlanta.

That's Cleveland Indians. Oh, shit. Look at you. I was talking about Cleveland. That's hilarious. Yeah, the Portland, everything's rainy, so it's all like the green is like a different green. Like the grass, you don't see like dry grass up there. That grass is glowing.

It glows. You can eat that shit raw. Fuck the juicer. You eat three pieces of grass, you test positive and shit for fucking. As long as you take your vitamin D, because you're not going to get a lot of sunshine in the winter. But if you take your vitamin D and deal with that, it's a relaxed place too. There's not that many people up there. I think Portland only has like a half

a million or something, right? How many people? Google that shit. I bet. I'm going to guess. How many people do you guess? I'm guessing somewhere between five and six hundred thousand. I'm not good with that. In Portland? Yeah. I'd say 1.2 million. No, 2.1 million. The Wikipedia official population, 609,000. Boom, done.

Thank you. Wow. Small. All right, so I've been going to Portland since 98. I had a friend, Floyd the Kidney. He used to go to dialysis. Floyd the Kidney? So I used to call him Floyd the Kidney.

Floyd J. Phillips. He's my brother from a different, I live in Grand Rapids, Michigan. And Floyd J. Phillips was my friend in Portland, so I met him doing the Seattle comedy competition. And he said, listen, if you want to come to Portland, I'll get you into Harvey's. That was the big club for years.

That club, five days a day, you want to shoot yourself. Saturday night, the grand finale, the club owner invites his mother to the club, and she sits in the front row. He either gives you the thumbs up like fucking Gladiator, or the thumbs down. No way. Yes, she does.

His mother. Oh, my God. So they attract a different type. They attract comedians and magicians and hypnotists. So when Helium went to Portland, he just knocked them out of the fucking race. It's two different worlds. Helium's bringing killers.

They still got guys that play the trumpet on stage and jump up and down. They used to book Stanhope once a year. They're the only club that once a year they worked a dirty week. And it was either Stanhope and Ingram or Stanhope and me. That's it. Wow. One year.

One week a year. Wasn't there a place in Seattle that was like super squeaky clean at one point? Was it Giggles? Giggles. Is that still around? No. The owner, Terry, went back to Utah. He's a Mormon.

He had a club in fucking whatever that was popular, so he bought Giggles from this dude that was a fucking pilot in Vietnam, and he was half a bot, and he used to drive a Jaguar, and he hated dirty comedy, but he hired me. I used to put him together to hire me,

but the beauty is I got in with the waitress. They did drugs. They were fucking cool, so i made the one waitress was partying with the singer from alice in chains though she used to tell me any time you want to come and do some heroin with us oh my god and i used to sit there going oh my god i didn't know alice in chain well i'm not gonna lie to anybody at the time i had no idea and uh I used to tell the waitresses to go in the room and see who the feature act was for the following week. This is how fucked up this guy was. So they'd say, he doesn't have a feature the rest of the month. So after I'd work on Saturday, first thing Monday morning, 9-0-1, I would call him and go, whatever his name was.

Hey, Joey D is here. Can I feature this week? Let me see if it's open. Yes, it's open. Hey, let me ask you. When was the last time you were at the club? Eight years ago. He was so u-bots, he was gone. Like, his mind was gone. Here's the better one.

Thursday night was Olympia. So you had to drive to Olympia and do a one-nighter. And then Friday and Saturday night, he had four shows at the club at Giggles. Olympia was $150 for the feature and $100 a show. So you got $550. I would do Olympia and then go there Friday night and take a draw for $250.

And Saturday night, he'd still pay me the $550. He was better than me. I got that guy every fucking week when I was there. He was too old? He just didn't know what was going on? No, he wasn't that old. He was just Dubai. He was gone.

And he would ask me on Monday, When was the last time you were there? Six years ago. Okay. I'll see you Thursday night. It was fucking crazy. Let me tell you how crazy he was So you were on stage and there was a a window next to the stage So that's how you knew when he pulled up So I would work dirty go up there dicks. Fuck you cocks. And as. So I would work dirty, go up there, dicks, fuck you, cucks, and as soon as I see his light, I count to five. As soon as he hit the door and he walked, me walking to the back, I do knock-knock jokes. So I lit the grill on fire and we walked through the jungle and then, and he'd leave, watch you for a minute, a minute. Had to be clean for one minute and then he'd disappear. And then you went right back to your routine. That's hilarious.

But here's where it gets better. I worked with, there's a guy up there, I can't remember his name, this fucking great guy out of Seattle. He's a tennis coach at the University of Washington. This guy is badass. He's been on the road for years, did all the TV shows. He's a gentleman and the cleanest comic working. And he was on stage one night.

I was featuring for him. And that owner walked in and confused me for him. And when he got off stage, he's like, what the hell's the matter with you working dirty? And the guy's like, I don't even say a curse, Bob. Bob! That was his name, Bob. And he goes, yes, you were. I just watched you being dirty. It was me. He got shot down in Vietnam. His mind was gone.

They gave him a check and hit him up in me. He got shot down in Vietnam. His mind was gone. They gave him a check and hit him up in Seattle. And he bought a comedy club. He wouldn't even drink. He'd just lock himself in his fucking office. So he sold it to Terry, and Terry wanted it all clean. And then it went on. And that was in the U District.

That club is in the U District. What's the U District? It's like putting a club in sits across the street from El Cambadre. You're going to get customs. Yeah,, the U district where the University of Washington is It was a couple streets away from the main strip where everything crack alacks. That's a great interesting strip That's her Bruce Lee opened his first fucking school. Really right up there. Yeah, bro, Seattle Bruce Lee walked around Seattle dog That's why he opened his first school up there not with yet man, but with those, dog. That's wild. And he opened his first school up there, not with Yip Man, but with those black guys. That's where

it all started. Well, there's a large Chinese immigrant community up there, right? Yes, then he came to Oakland. You know, up there was where all the rumors came that the mafia went and told him not to teach white people. And he told them to suck his dick. Then they sent the dragon over there. Then the dragon kicked him in the spine.

He went to the hospital, and that's when he wrote the Tower of Jeet Kune Do. That's the story they kicked him in the spine. He went to the hospital. And that's when he wrote the Tower of Jeet Kune Do. That's the story they tell you in the movie. That's not what happened. They did send people over there. And they were going to fucking kill him, those fucking triads. But that's not what happened. Well, you think they did kill him, ultimately. Ten years later, you know, listen, man, you got to put money in their pocket.

Once you put money in their pocket, they keep you alive. Once he went into the deal with uh enter the dragon that's all an american deal that's what happened he cut him out if we ever find out the truth about that that would be that would be unbelievably fascinating that's the ever uncovered documents really killed documents but then 30 years later they kill his son and nobody went to jail for that a stuntman put a bullet in the gun what are you retarded it was like a piece of a bullet or something whatever piece of a shell we went to jail for that. A stuntman put a bullet in a fucking gun. Are you retarded? It was like a piece of a bullet or something like that. Whatever, a piece of a shell. Nobody went to jail for that.

There wasn't a trial. Nothing. Linda Lee went up there. I miss my son. They must have given her a fucking check, too. She's worth gazillions, Linda Lee. Yeah? Think about it.

Who gets the estate? His two kids, the daughter, and Linda Lee. That's it. Who's left? He may give Danny De and Linda Lee. That's it. Who's left? He may give Danny DeSanto a fucking taste of it. Yeah. There's a lot of theories about this guy's death. It's really interesting.

Listen, guys, I'm 52 years old. Not only was I there, I mean, I wasn't in China when he died, but I was there, guys. I was in the middle of this. This guy was my everything, Joe Rogan. I had been hit wasn't in China when he died, but I was there, guys. I was in the middle of this. This guy was my everything, Joe Rogan. I had been hit in the head with a lunchbox. I was a quiet kid, and it was like that girl that fell off the bike.

She had no titties. She wouldn't give me pussy, but after she got hit in the head, she grew tits, and she sucked everybody's dick. Remember I told you about that girl? And you were telling me how they hit a side of the lump in her head where the tits grew, and she got very, what's the word? Sexual.

Sexual, you know. I got crazy. So what fueled my craziness was Batman. But when Batman fought the Green Hornet, that took me to different levels of craziness. My father had just died. I was beating everything up. I used to have a French poodle I used to kick. My mother told me, you know, you got to, and it fueled me.

It killed me. Once Bruce Lee came along, he introduced martial arts to this country in a different way. Like, that was it. Those karate schools filled up. My first experience of karate was with Rashad's father. Jetty Bravo's brown belt, the guy that plays the Brazilian. Rashad's father was my first karate teacher on 90th Street in Amsterdam, up on the west side up there. And that was all a black school, Joe Rogan.

And you had to carry a gi. It was a black gi with a white belt. And you had to walk in and give them a card. And the card was a goju fist. I'll never forget that. They had Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And they would mark when they come in and they'd give you the card. You couldn't talk.

You couldn't fucking talk. You had to go back there to Hassan's father, put your your gear on and you had to go to the front and stand like this and then you like clap you had to do the cat stance from here from right here joe rogan you got to do the whole cat stance and go i still remember all that i still remember my first form i stayed with rashawn's father it was white yellow green belt purple belt i stayed with Rashad's father. It was white yellow green belt purple belt. I stayed with Rashad's father Rashad Rashad Rashad, but it was fucking famous from the time. I was maybe six and a half to maybe nine I went to that karate school religiously and when they sent me to Catholic school during the week I would go on Saturday mornings, and he would be pissed off like what if I you've been all week guy

Rashad's father you saw Rasaan's father used to make you run with your gi on in the street with no shoes on whether it was snow or not This was the really this was the beauty that was a different karate in those days dog. I think this shit now That didn't just give you a belt, bro You had to get beat up and then beat motherfuckers up But here's the beauty of it You had a run in front of the kids that you went to school with. They'd be at the playground.

Here you were with a white fucking geek running down Amsterdam Avenue and shit. So the next day you'd go to school and they're like, look at fucking Johnny Kung Fu. It's on. And you had to fight fucking 10 fucking kids and shit because they'd see you. This is a different time. For folks who don't know what we're talking about, Rassan is Renato Laranja. That's his character. All the fucking people,

hey, man, what happened with you and that Brazilian guy? That guy is my friend. He's not really Brazilian. There, I said it. It's like they're trying to keep this a goddamn secret. It's so ridiculous. He's not a Brazilian. He's an American actor slash comedian.

A very funny man. Rassan Orin. He's not a Brazilian. He's an American actor slash comedian. A very funny man. Rassan Orin. So during this... Like Nicky Swanson. But here's what killed me. What's that? Nick Swanson. That's how he calls...

Nicky Swanson. What other fucking name is that? But here's what the killer was. So I'm involved in all this, Joe Rogan. At the time, my mom moves to Jersey. And on Saturdays, I have to go to the bar in Jersey. Or I'd have to go to the Bronx and do the numbers. When I went to Catholic and on Saturdays I have to go to the bar in Jersey or I'd have to go to the Bronx and do the numbers when I went to Catholic School on son Saturdays when I thought my stepfather picked me up Thursday night Friday was movie night

I need to go to the route three fucking driving. That's why I saw into the dragon No, I saw Chinese connection and five fingers at death. I'm gonna drop it on you motherfuckers That's when the guy's hand would turn purple because he'd do the iron palm technique That was just on El Rey fucking you got to give a shout out to Robert Rodriguez He put it on me and all the handful our heads almost fucking blew up That's all that was the first martial arts movie that was released in the United States when his hand turned red And at the end he puts it through the guy. But I saw those two. Here's another fact. Hit me.

Here's the fact that really kills America. This is what really throws a twist in it. What's this young man's name again? Jamie. Jamie, put on the date of Bruce Lee's death and put the date up of the release event of the dragon. Why? Go look.

What does it mean? Go look. Just tell me. What does it mean? One or tell me what does it mean one or the other it happened one week apart that's the kinky thing this is the biggest movie in the country do you understand me this movie came out on a fucking friday by saturday you were on the phone with everybody uncle whatever you gotta go see bruce lee he fucked everything up. When did Bruce Lee die? August 19th, 1973 to July 20th, 1973. When did the movie get released? A month later.

That was the weird part of it. This guy was a fucking genre. And all of a sudden, look at his face. Look at his face. Go back to his fucking face. The Chinese are the best people at embalming. Look at his fucking face in the casket. Look at this fucking face. That guy took a beating dog didn't even look like him That's what they were selling Chinatown a week later those pictures of Bruce Lee

Go ahead and click that click that fucking video. See what he tells you the fucking true story. Look at that shit Joey what are you talking about? This is a crazy person's video The true story. The forbidden ritual of the steel palm. What kind of movies are you making us watch, Joey? What kind of movies are you making us watch, Joey? Doing kung fu with Yip Man. Looks like Dave Taylor.

This is just fucking around, man. That's all this is. Is that his woman? That's Linda Lee. Is she still alive? Yeah. Counting billions. Billions what he sells.

Just in t-shirts. What do you think he does a year? Oh, yeah. I got a few of them. The Roots of Fight ones. Yeah, this is a bullshit video. Hold on. You want to keep watching challenge champions look at this shirt look at that shirt

look at that one Look at that one Now hold on one second Wait till the picture of him comes up And then for the dragon Tell me this guy was in bad shape Or he had some hema fucking toba We could just look up the We could just look up the death photo

Instead of having to watch this horrible movie They were a horrible movie This is the sound of the face This is horrible He was the original wife-beater wearer. Who wore a wife-beater before Bruce Lee? Nobody did, right? Who the fuck wore those?

That wasn't common. Ha ha! He was the first guy with a six-pack. Really? Who the fuck else in the movie had a six-pack? Who in a movie would show their six-pack? What guy in a movie? Even Chuck Norris, when you saw him, he was kind of smooth.

Like, no one ever looked like this before. Like, where a guy took his shirt off and started flexing, and you see his six-pack and all his sinew and muscles. Tarzan. Nah, Tarzan was smooth. Tarzan was like a fit dude, but he was smooth. No one's ever done Tarzan right. That's a movie that no one ever really nailed Nobody ever really you really believe some dudes out there living with monkeys. Can't believe you watch that whole thing

And that death photo wasn't even in it. Yeah, they're trying to confuse people today don't know how much of an impact bruce lee i have no idea i think it's a joke it kills me when i see documentaries and they're talking for like john jones i love john jones be a 20 dog you didn't see the impact of the black kids chinatown on saturdays would be packed with white kids eating everything i used to go to chinatown and eat the stick. It was a cat, a lizard. It didn't matter. I wanted to be like Bruce Lee, bro. It didn't matter. I had the shoes. I had the thing. I had incense at the house. Meanwhile, my mom's a Santeria chick.

She'd come in like, what the fuck is this incense? Get this. Are you fucking crazy? I'd be eating rice. For a long time I went on a rice diet. My mom was going fucking nuts. Did you eat Chinese food to be like Bruce Lee? Everything. I did everything. I had the palm that you rub on

your hands. Iron palm? I fucking was trying to get a plane ticket to Hong Kong. I was crazy. I was nuts. What's this stuff that you rub on your hands? The pomala china. They have that. And then they have this ointment that you put on. It's like a liquid. It's like chin-chin juice. Tiger balm? It's a little thicker. And you use it for the iron palm technique so you rub it on your

hands and you hit a bag before you strike something ah and it really yeah it's that important you put it on your elbows your joints remember they used to have those stores you should buy you could buy ninja stars they used to have them in chinatown you could go and you could actually buy throwing stars yeah but they were never sharp you i'm ready to go to war i got four stars in my pocket. I'm ready to throw it at a motherfucker. And they're not even sticking it into wood. They never told you you had to take them home and sharpen them.

That was always the fucking by the way. Chinatown in Boston, they sold ones that had sharp edges to them. I used to get Black Belt Magazine. That was my magazine. And all the ones in there were sharp, though, because I got a few of those, and we would, like, throw them against walls. Do you remember Century Martial Arts Catalog? You'd get that catalog. You'd order all kinds of shit.

Coco Bolo, Noon Chucks. I'm going to tell you how old I am. I used to get my shit from Honda. Honda was the original. Honda Martial Arts, yeah. And they had a store on Broadway, Fifth Avenue. When you go in there as a martial arts kid, you would come. Your head would blow up when I was 10.

I would save all my money. I would work the bar, and I would go over there on Saturdays with six other gorillas. This was way before weed. This is what a lot of people don't understand. I stayed in martial arts. And the reason why I quit was because those kids didn't get high. I couldn't hide it from them no more. I liked those guys.

You know, I used to go to class. In those days, I went to my mother's bar, I ate dinner, and I went to karate. In those days, you were a kid, but you went to the kids' class and you stayed for the men's class. And the men fucked you up. And that's the guys that held the boards for you. The upper belts would fuck you up. I would leave there at 9, 930 and walk home after two hours of that shit. And sometimes I'd go to North Bergen,

go to my house and go to Mario Diaz's house. He was a Chinese-Cuban kid and he had a basement. And that's where everybody met. Like in those days there was no Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Did you ever go to tournaments? Did you ever fight in tournaments? Yeah, but I fought semi contact. And my leg would always slip and I'd hit you in the head and I'd get

disqualified. But I always won first place in the form. So my goal was February of 1979. I had a goal on my birthday, 2-19. I said, I'm going to go to this tournament. It was a regional New Jersey tournament. My goal was to take first place in the form and first place in fighting. And I was going to quit, Joe Rogan.

That's it. I was going to go to that tournament that Sunday and quit and never go back to karate. I was going to focus on basketball. And I went to the tournament. I got disqualified for kicking, but I took first in the form. And on the way out. You had good forms? Yeah, I had really good forms.

What belt were you back then? This was when I was Ishinru Karate. This was on 22nd. The guy's name was Nelson Norlander, Wayne Norlander. He was another Vietnam vet, bulky white dude like Chuck Norris and he looked at your report card he was he was a little bit more serious he didn't really wasn't a nice guy but he had good form you know he had good karate taught and that was the last that was the last like what belt were you when I left there I think I was a green

belt also so that's when you were doing these forms Yeah, do you think you remember those? Like when you did that Joey karate thing we used to run around throwing kicks Yeah, that was part of it those little moves I still remember one form that you learn where you put your hand down the elbow you let him go and then punch It was like a really neat form, you know because I used to hang out with food job pi kung fu guys I used to hang out with full-job Pai Kung Fu guys. I used to hang out with Hapkido motherfuckers. I used to hang out with a couple Cubans that were into judo.

You know, one time in Union City, they had a huge Russian judo school. There was also William Bo. He was the original Aikido dude. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh shit. I'm telling you, Doug, I had my shit there. How many hits

does this video have? Nah, nah, they keep putting them up. 66,000. They keep redoing them and shit. Yeah,

whose is this? Do you have a YouTube page or is this somebody else's shit? Oh my God. You should have a YouTube page where this shit is all up. I don't even have, I think Damon has the originals

and shit like that. This is probably Damon's Well you is that his YouTube channel fuck though. It's Joey Karate Damon Yeah, I mean is what I hear for the UFC minute a lot of people see me in the medical That's a long time ago a lot of people see me in the sports reports, but nobody really knows. I'm a trained fucking assassin I lost my rank on the fucking boat ride over. They knocked me down to a green belt. But I'm fighting to get it back. You understand me?

I take my shit back from the fucking jungles in China, Hong Kong, Bolivia. That's where I train with fucking savages. These little fucking guys flying through the air. But you're lucky you caught me today. Because Joey Karate is going to give you a lock for UFC. And it's all about

fucking Brazil this weekend, you understand me? My man, Anderson Silva is going to fuck people up this weekend, you understand me? He went through Kisleben, he went through Forrest Whitaker, Forrest Griffin. Let me show you what this motherfucker does. First off, he's going to get him in a clinch.

That's some Muay Thai shit, you understand? That's some Muay Thai. Not really in Thailand, over at the Thai restaurant on fucking Gawada. So he's going to get him in a clench. That's some Muay Thai shit, you understand? That's not Muay Thai. Not really in Thailand. Over at the Thai restaurant, a fucking guy with a... So he's gonna get him in a clench, couple knees to the fucking head. Then he's gonna kick him with a sidekick. Then he's gonna jujitsu him into some fucking samurai or some armbar or some fucking... And he's gonna fucking choke him out. It's that simple.

Why don't you do these again? Why don't you do your Joey Karate predictions? Because you gotta move on You gotta move on? Sure These are amazing though No, I can't do these no more I'm too old

You're too old? People say, who's this fucking fat old guy trying to be and shit Don't listen to them You gotta hang up the key, Joe Rogan You gotta hang up the key Wow Every once in a while you gotta hang up the key, dog You can't be doing that hang up the key. Wow. Every once in a while, you got to hang up the key, dog. You can't be doing that shit on national television.

Grownups 4. I think you should do it. I love it. I love all that. That's my love for it. I had it. So I know how much it affected me. After that, my life went downhill.

The next six months of my life were a disaster. After martial arts. I hit the number, yeah. When I quit, that was it. That was the beginning of it. Six months later, my mom died, and it was all. But when I got my life back together, that's what it was. I got back into it.

It's great for people, man. You need to do predictions for fights. I'm too out of it anymore. But you're good at it. Even if you're wrong, it's hilarious. Listen, I felt in my heart Dos Anjos, but I couldn't say it. People are going to think I'm crazy. Did you see the fight?

Yeah, I finally saw it. Pettis versus Dos Anjos, but I couldn't say it. People are going to think I'm crazy. Did you see the fight? Yeah, I finally saw it. Pettis versus Dos Anjos. Pettis, I thought Pettis had an edge in the stand-up for sure. That was a great card. The girl, Joanna, was great. She hits hard. You know, Overeem, everybody's jumping up and down over Overeem. Don't get too fucking excited.

It was a pretty good performance, man. Wait for the test to come back. Oh. Stop it. Wait for the test to come back on Thursday, all right? Before you guys start jumping up and down. He beat up Roy Nelson. Poor Roy Nelson.

You know, a lot of people said that after the fight about Dos Anjos. They go, please don't test Bob. Please. I know he's all ripped up. Unbelievable performance. Like, he's got to be, like, somehow or another this guy's got to get through this. That was incredible. I thought, I really did think that Pettis was going to have an edge in the stand-up.

And Dos Anjos was just attacking from the very beginning of the fight in the stand-up. Like, lit him up, man. Straight left hands. Bam! Like, super fast. Like, faster than I've ever seen him fight before. His last two fights, he looked sensational. He looked a level above his game.

So, I just, I didn't know it was going to be that. I really didn't. I thought it was going to be more of a but he took away, he took him down and that was it. Bro, that's the fucking thing sometimes. Just that takedown, GSP, that's how, you know, Chael Sonnen, that takedown slows

you down, man. That was some great fights in that card. You know what else it was, though, too? It wasn't just the takedowns. It was the fucking kick to the body, that left power kick to the body. He was smashing him with that thing. Every time you get hit with a kick like that, that shit takes a lot of your movement away. It takes a lot of your breath away. It takes a lot of your energy away.

Dosanen just smashed him with that kick over and over again and smashed him with straight lefts. I think Pettis was just taken aback. I just don't think he expected it. I think he felt like that Dos Anjos would be probably slower than him and a little more hesitant on the feet. But Dos Anjos just attacked. I am a big fan of fights. There's particular fights that my dick gets hard. Yeah, that was a big one for me. That was a big one for me, but what's coming? Because no matter whatever happens with Cerrone and Nukavaki, the Russian, whatever his

fucking name is. Habib Nurmagomedov. Habib, that bad motherfucker with the war hat. Bad motherfucker. Whatever happens there, I can't even pick a winner. It's too much for my fucking scalp to even think about. So whatever happens that fight, the winner gets this fucking savage. So that's two fights. I get to see that

it gets hard and it spills all over. I love it. This is tremendous. I love this type of shit. My original fight was Jacare against Yoel Romero. That went down the fucking tube. See, you get that name right every time. Which one? Those Cuban names just flow right up your tongue. No, Yoel Romero's

easier. Jacare is you nobody fucks up Jack Array's name you have me Habib Nurmagomedov. That's too much fun It's crazy because you know what you can't say it ten years ago. You guys were talking to me about Jack Yeah My years ago when you Eddie and Tate were getting up in those cars And we do an hour by Jack array and it's like nobody talks about him in the UFC and he's more dangerous than ever. They just don't fight that motherfucker.

Well, he's been injured. He had some pretty significant shoulder injury. I know he had surgery. He had surgery. Sorry, elbow injury. He did something. Yeah. But no, that guy's fireworks at that weight level.

Let's see what he did to Yushin Okami. He was fucking smashing Yushin Okami. Yeah, Yushin was done. Yeah, but still, his attacks, he's a monster. He's put together. It's very nice to see guys like nobody.

Nobody. First of all, nobody would have called 10 years ago that the UFC would be as big as it is today. But nobody really thought Robbie Lawler would put the pieces together. You know, it happens to comics. You see them 10 years ago. They go to Montreal.

They get a little success. The deal doesn't fall through. And instead of putting the tail between their legs, they become comics. They keep working it. And you see them 10 years later. Now they're fucking powerhouses. Powerhouses. Well, the same thing happens in fighting.

I believe it. You know, this guy does this. He takes a couple losses. He gets better and better and better. And next thing you know, his ground game now is par with his striking. His striking is par with his wrestling. You know, it just all fits. And once it all fits, you're not going to stop somebody.

You're not going to stop them for a while till they overthink themselves And once they overthink themselves, that's like comedy You ever overthink this off you go up there. You don't get the reaction you want keep it fucking simple bitch I'm fucking you to overthink things once we start thinking is when we kill ourselves, but I see it I see it with Robbie law the guys like Robbie Lawler Have to really make you believe in any other field that you may do whether whether you're an artist, a singer, that, you know what? You took your lumps for a few years. You really did, man.

But something you did. Whatever you're doing now, stick to it. You said it was because he wasn't sparring anymore. He just was wrestling. We took some time off of that. Yeah, you know, it's people put the pieces together. That's not what he did, though. He got better once he started sparring again, really.

But no, no, he put the pieces together after 10 years. He was did, though. He got better once he started sparring again, really. But no, no, he put the pieces together after 10 years. He was a good fighter. He was a slugger. What it is is an American top team. That's a big one. Is it really that good? Yeah, it's huge. He went to a real big gym and he got really dedicated and, you know, he became a more mature man. You know, he's in his 30s now.

He's a real mature professional athlete now. It's just, he was a wild motherfucker when he was young, but now he's a real champion. I mean, Robbie trains like a fucking champion. And he always had the ability. He always had the mindset, for sure. And now you're seeing just the fruits of his labor. He's just, he's grown up. He's got a wife and a kid now. He's a different

animal. You know, he's a totally different animal. And he's, you know, he's coming out for blood, man. He's coming out for blood. Johnny Hedges look good? Look real good. Looked good? Dana White said he didn't like that fight. But that's, look, for a guy to do that to Matt Brown, hold him down like that, beat him up like that, like, I was impressed.

I was impressed. That's how you're supposed to fight when you can wrestle that way. Why would you stand, I mean, everybody wants everybody to fight in a way that's not smart. Like, for a guy like Johnny Hendricks, that's a smart way to fight. You throw some punches on your feet, take that motherfucker down any time you want, beat him up when you can. And when you got a guy like Matt Hendricks, that's a smart way to fight. You throw some punches on your feet, take that motherfucker down anytime you want, beat him up when you can. And when you got a guy like Matt Brown, you better do that. GSP did it for years. Yeah, but you got to do that with a guy like Matt Brown.

You wouldn't even stand up with him. That's crazy. You have a huge advantage if you take him to the ground on your feet. You're pretty much dead even. If you just decided to slug it out with him, I Johnny might have more one punch knockout power because Johnny has a pretty crazy one punch knockouts what people go flying like he's got magic in his hand like that red hand from kung fu like he sends guys flying like doesn't do it as much anymore but like if you go back to some of his highlight reel knockouts like the John Fitch one

or the Martin Kampman one, they go flying he just blam, he just cracks them with that left hand, so you add that and then the Muay Thai of Matt Brown, Matt Brown's nasty you know, Johnny might be able to hit harder with one shot but Matt Brown's knocked some motherfuckers dead

too, and he comes after you man you know, if you're just gonna stand with him and just trade with him, Robbie Lawler did it, but Robbie Lawler is the fucking champ. You know, he went five rounds with Matt Brown and he's going to do it. Robbie Lawler is going to fight Rory McDonald again.

That's going to be fucking crazy. When is that? I think that's April. Where, when is that? I'm not sure. I want to say, Hmm.

I don't know, man. Robbie Lawler. 189, July 11th. I want to say, I don't know, man. 189, July 11th. July. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ, that's the big one in Vegas. What's July 11th?

That's the big Vegas card. Which one is that? Who's on that? Who's on that card? From Atlanta. Who's on that card, Jamie? That's International Fight Week in Las Vegas. Yeah, it's a big one, dude. Subdog.

It's a big one. You know, I love it. That is a giant card. That's the July card. Ooh, Conor McGregor versus Jose Aldo. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, that's right. Who else? Oh, good Lord, that's a fucking fight.

That's all you have. That's all you need. That's all you need. People paid just for That's all you need People paid just for that This already sold out As soon as it gets on sale It's sold out Wow It's

They're gonna The amount of people That are gonna come over From Ireland There's gonna be people Watching that shit On closed circuit It's gonna be all throughout

Vegas is gonna look like Ireland It's gonna be madness Madness Nobody brings Motherfuckers like that guy. That guy brings a lot of fucking people to the fight. Fuck St. Paddy's Day. Wow. Robbie Lawler and Roy McDonald and Jose Aldo and Conor McGregor on one card.

Oh, my God. Good Lord. God, keep together. Please. Please keep together. Please. You know, right now it's march april may june three months for some bad to happen to someone's knee three months or something to get up i don't even know why you're putting the kiss of death on him because i spit myself you

know what i'm saying you gotta spit yourself. It's interesting when this is happening, too, like what time in their career. McGregor on the rise, and Aldo has been a champ for a long time. It's a good time. If McGregor was going to fight him, now's a good time to fight him. He's had so many really tough fights, really wars, you know? It's a fucking interesting fight, man, really interesting fight. And then Robbie and Rory is going to be interesting too, man. Five rounds.

Who knows what the fuck's going to happen in that fight? Who knows what strategy Rory's going to employ? Rory apparently had something wrong with his ankle. He was talking about it when he came in here for that fight. Couldn't move around as much as he would like to. Stood right in front of Robbie. I wonder how he's going to fight him when they fight in July. Because you know,

he got a lot better since then, Rory got a lot better, Robbie got better since then, they both got better, Robbie being the champ now, he's going to really have, like, he's going to have a pretty significant advantage as far as, like, confidence and mindset, like, having already beat him once, beat him and hurt him, and now also being the champ. But that doesn't mean anything, man. Rory's talented as shit. He's a really fun guy to watch, Rory, because he's such a student of fighting. You know, he doesn't have like ridiculous athleticism, ridiculous knockout power. He just does everything great. Everything he does is great. He knows what to do. His footwork's excellent. Real smart about it. He's an interesting dude on the podcast, too. I don't know if you

listened to the one that I did with him. It's one of my favorite ones with fighters. He's a real down-to-earth dude. He's totally honest about it, too. Like, the way he stares down guys, like he looks dead in the eyes and shit. He's like, wow, the dude was staring at me and I didn't want to turn away like a bitch. He's like, instead of sounding like

some sort of a psycho, it's like, well, I guess that makes sense. What's next, Joey Diaz? What are you doing? What do you got going on this weekend? Where are you at? I'm here with you guys. You're here all weekend? Yeah, I'm going to EBI, dog. Oh, that's right. We're going to EBI Sunday at the Orpheum.

Yeah, Eddie Bravo Invitational Jiu-Jitsu Tournament this Sunday. We're going to go check that out at the Orpheum in L.A. And then Sunday night, I'm at the place where Joey's not allowed to work, the Comedy and Magic Club. But they're also doing a pay-per-view for Eddie. They're also doing a pay-per-view for Eddie. You've got to look into it.

I'll be tweeting it. I don't know how much it's going to cost or whatever, but please. It's going to be great. They have a lot of fucking young guys on there. Is Gary Tonin doing it again? You've got the two fucking animals from Costa Mesa. A lot of good fighters. A lot of good jiu-jitsu guys.

If you're into jiu-jitsu, this is the one for you cocksuckers. Eddie Brown was really working hard at this. And as a brother, last time I fucked up, this time I got it. Yeah, they're coming in, too. Gary and Eddie are going to come in, hopefully on Saturday. We're going to do a podcast, talk about it. Pump it up. So you're in town for a few weeks?

I'm in town. I go to San Diego Talk about it. Pump it up. So you're in town for a few weeks? I'm in town. I go to San Diego in about three weeks. I go to fucking Tempe and I go to Houston. Beautiful. You know, in the month of April. And where are your dates up? Are they up at Joey Diaz? Joey Diaz.net.

I put them up today because I finally got everything together. But I've still got three or four that are going to pop in. So just work with me, cocksuckers. Work with them, cocksuckers. Work with me. Mad flavor on Twitter. The only them, cocksuckers. Work with me. Mad Flavor on Twitter, the only person I know that doesn't have his actual name as his Twitter handle. Very important, very important. The reason why I came on here was to promote the last This Is Not Happening with Ari Shafir.

It's me and Ari Shafir. I tell a story about my mom's friend who took care of me after my mom died. I never gave her any props. And that's it. Please, just turn the fucking DVR. Yeah, 11 o'clock. Do us a favor. It's the last one of the season. It's 1230, right?

Is it a different time? I don't know. 1230. 1230 Eastern tomorrow. It's the last one of the season. Joe did last weekend. Please watch it and just kick on the DVR. Tell your neighbor, you know.

If you have DirecTV, it'll be on East Coast time. So if you're on Comedy Central, DirecTV, it'll be 9.30 p.m. If you have a lot of different cable companies, we'll have it on regular West Coast time, which means it'll be 12.30. And 12.30 on the East Coast. All right, you fucks? All right, that's it. I love you, talk suckers.

Love you too, bud. Later. Red Band Maroon. Cheerio.