The Joe Rogan Experience - #63 - Russell Peters

Episode Date: December 17, 2010

Joe sits down with Russell Peters.

Brian with the strange music always. I like it so far. Oh, this is that band from Austin. Oh, this is that band from Austin. I've been editing this song all week, remixing it and everything for the video that's about to hit. Dude, what does this band call it? What's their name again? Spoon.

Spoon. I bought a bunch of their shit on iTunes. And all these Austin people were talking shit about them. Yeah. Right? Well, they just say that to them it's like a, what was that band? That cheesy band. Oh, Nickelback. Nickelback. It was like Nickelback to them. Yeah. Well, they just say that to them, it's like a, what was that band? That cheesy band? Oh, Nickelback. Nickelback.

It was like Nickelback to them. And I'm like, I don't care. This song's badass. Ladies and gentlemen, joining us on the podcast is the great Russell Peters. Hey. From Points Unknown. My man's a traveling soldier out there making it happen in the free world. We are sponsored, as always, by The Fleshlight.

If you go to joerogan.net You ever fuck one of these things, man? No. Feel it. No one's fucked that. You don't have to worry. That's the tissue. There you go. Now you know. If you ever wondered, now you know. Have you fucked one? Oh yeah. They're great.

I don't, you know, it's very embarrassing when you're done, but when you're doing it, it's awesome. The fact that you've done this. It's an awkward guilt. Yeah, it's just you're fucking, you've hit the bottom. Look at you. You fucked a rubber pussy. But it feels great.

And if you go to JoeRogan.net and you type in the password is Rogan. If you click the link and type in the password Rogan, you get 15% off. So it's cheaper to beat off. There you go. Save some taxes, kids. Save the taxes, bitches. This is the two-year anniversary for Twitter for me, Brian. Two-year anniversary for Twitter, really?

Two years ago I got on Twitter. I don't know how long I've been on Twitter. I'm not even good on Twitter. I can't even imagine being free of it. When I'm at a restaurant, bro, I have to keep my shit together don't check the iphone don't check the iphone yeah right i'm sure yeah it's fascinating and i'm i just want to know what's happening yeah you never know it could be some fucking revolt in iran some shit could be going down right now wiki leaks as you speak

you are you up on the WikiLeaks, man? Do you know what the fuck's going on? You know, I don't really know what's happening with the WikiLeaks. Is it one of those things that you would normally pay attention to and you're just avoiding it or you're just not out? No, I really just don't know what's happening. Really? You don't know anything about the story? I know that this guy's leaked some stuff, but I don't know what he's leaked.

Have you ever been to Wikipedia? I have been to Wikipedia. So at least you're half there. That's it. I just don't trust Wikipedia because you can augment anybody's information. Sure, right. Wouldn't it be hilarious if someone was just sending him some bullshit documents

and he thought that this was all U.S. military shit and it was actually just some fiction that someone had made up to see how much you can manipulate the press. That'd be a good spin for him. It's possible. If the media was smart, they would say that's what he did. If the media was smart. Yeah, well, the media, they've been calling him a rapist over and over and over again.

Rape, rape, rape. Who did he rape again? On CNN. This is the thing. He didn't. They're not even, the women are not even calling it rape. But Sweden has some of the most liberal sexual offense laws. Like, they have really crazy laws.

And in Sweden, if you're having sex with someone and the condom breaks and you don't tell the person, then it can be considered rape. Oh, really? Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit, man. There's rape by coercion. Instead of pimp game, which is what you would call it in America, have some flavor, know how to kick it so the girl gets confused and fucks you,

which you ordinarily wouldn't. In Sweden, that shit's like a crime. Like, they're making being clever to get pussy a crime. And that is hilarious. They want weak sauce. They want watered-down milk. Have you ever seen the pictures in the IKEA things that you buy? Yes.

They're always very dumb-looking. Yes. Always the guy lifting wood. Yeah. The last thing you want is a culture like that. A non-fucking flavorful culture. Why do you think nothing clever comes out of there? Abba.

People shouldn't be ashamed of sex. If you shouldn't be ashamed of sex, then you shouldn't have so many fucking crazy laws where people do dumb shit and fuck. A lot of times when people fuck, they feel bad afterwards. You know, I shouldn't have done that, I have better morals than this, what's wrong with me? What if my family knew? Well, tough

shit. You shouldn't be able to cry rape, you know? And a lot of people can. You can just cry rape. You know, there's a lot of feminists that absolutely believe that if a woman feels like after the sex is over, that somehow or another she was talked into this or manipulated, that she should be able to file charges for

rape. It's like buyer's remorse. It's crazier than buyer's remorse. It's the most ridiculous shit ever. Real rape is terrible, but this is just as bad as real rape the other way. Yeah, because they're raping the man now.

Yeah, you're raping someone of freedom for doing something that's natural that you want it to, you fucking skank. You dirty bitch. You know you wanted that dick. They all want it. They want it. It's natural. If your fucking heart beats and you're young and your body moves right, you want some dick.

I would get in so much trouble if I was involved in that country at all. Of course you would. We all would. Anybody who lives in America, anybody who lives in a land of where there's a fucking game going on, okay? All right, this is the reason why comedians become comedians in the first place.

Let's be honest. There is a vaginal call. God damn game going on. And there's a game going on, you know, as far as like human interaction. You can't flavor down, water down the game for sex. The personality game is the reason where all art comes from. Why do you think Biggie Smalls was such a fucking good rapper?

Because he wanted to be the man so he can get some pussy. He wanted to be a pimp. He wanted to be a player. He wanted to be a dude at the top of a pile of money. Why? Because that's how you're going to get the pussy when you're an ugly fuck. It's the best in your face. The best shit you got, bitch.

And if the best shit you got gets you locked up for coercion because you were banging two chicks at the same time, you're going to have a flavorless fucking country, you crazy cunts in Sweden.

Just because you make good cheese, don't get crazy. That's not the same country, right? Switzerland, Sweden. They hold beer very well in Sweden.

They hold beer, they can take it. And they make cheap furniture. Oh, those St. Pau very well in Sweden. They hold beer. They can take it. And they make cheap furniture. Oh, those St. Pauly girls? Yeah. They're really good at holding. They make cheap furniture and strong cars. By the way, there's not a diss against Switzerland.

I was just joking. Whatever. If you're from Switzerland, you get all uppity. He didn't know that we don't make the cheese? Bro, come on. These are jokes, man. We make cheese and chocolate. And hide not the gold.

These are just jokes, man. But Sweden's got to lighten the fuck up. But it's weird that they can fucking Interpol warning and they're trying to export this guy back to Sweden from fucking London for having sex without a condom. That's ridiculous. It's amazing, though. It's so transparent. He had sex without a condom and that's what it was. The condom broke or some crazy shit.

It's like they're not revealing all of the details, but no one is saying that it's like he took them into an alley and pulled their pants down and punched them in the head and fucked them. Well, I heard. Not even date raped. I heard the whole thing's bullshit anyway. The whole thing was just a stupid thing to get him for something because of this WikiLeaks thing. Of course it is, but it's amazing that it's this fucking transparent because here's the deal, okay? One step removed, the New York Times has released all of the shit that he's this fucking transparent because here's the deal okay one step removed the new york times has released all of the shit that he's released so what are we going to say

now are we going to say that well this stuff came out and you guys knew it was top secret so you shouldn't look at it and since the the journalist did look at it and then they published it shouldn't shouldn't the new york times now have to go to jail too what who the fuck goes to jail if this guy was just someone who ran a site that says, hey, if you got something, I'm listening. Which is basically what he did. And people start sending him shit. That's real journalism. That's real journalism.

It's unedited. That's the real shit. That's what we're supposed to get. These fucking cunts that are hiding all this shit and talking to the government. You're not supposed to talk to the government. You're supposed to talk to us. What the fuck did you learn? Did you learn some crazy shit? What the fuck did you learn? What are they doing over there? Why are we really there?

What the fuck is, what's going on? Why are all these bees dying? Here's one of the things that came out. The EPA knew about this fucking toxic shit that they've been spraying on corn that kills honeybees. And they let them put it out anyway. They let them put it out anyway because they wanted to be able to sell more fucking corn. So they're killing off bees. And the EPA was aware of this. We would have never found this out if it wasn't for WikiLeaks.

Wow. Dude, Pfizer is bribing people in Nigeria to stop lawsuits. There's like these lawsuits against them. So they're bribing people to go after politicians and make them look bad there's like these memos and shit there's a lot of creepy shit this is exposing so you've been reading a lot of the the stuff obviously i freaked the fuck out when i first heard that

this guy was getting arrested for for sex without a condom i was like what what is in these fucking things and you go in these things and it's like it's not things, and it's like, it's not all bad. It's not all terrible. It's a lot of, it's a fascinating shit. Like, we're finding out that other countries, like, want us to do some shit about Iran. Like, there's a lot of people who go, hey, these motherfuckers, if they get bombs, we got problems. Like, there's people and their next door neighbors and shit who are Muslim countries. Like, can you guys, can you hook this up?

Step in, please. Yeah. What's up? What's going on here? How close's up? What's going on here? How close are they? What's going on? I mean, there's a lot of good shit that we're finding out about this stuff. But the point is that the government, the only reason they don't want you to know the secrets and what they're doing is because they fuck up a lot.

And they don't want to be responsible for their actions. Because they fuck up a lot, and they don't want to be responsible for their actions. And they want to be able to hide shit, and they want to be able to look up your fucking asshole with a microscope because it's easy. Because if I just want to be able to do it, I just want to know what the fuck's up your asshole. And so they want to make it that way so that their job is simpler and they can't get fired as easy. Because they suck cock. They're terrible at their fucking job. Because almost every politician is terrible. Why?

Because the reason why they got there in the first place is because they got all these fucking special interest groups paying for their multi, multi, multi-million dollar campaigns. They're talking about Barack Obama's re-election campaign. One billion dollars. Yeah, that makes sense. Where's that money coming from, you motherfucker? That's crazy. Where's that money coming from, you motherfucker? That's crazy.

There's no way you should be able to spend a billion dollars to get a job that pays $500,000 and not have everybody go, what are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? Who's giving you this money? What happens when they give it to you? Now, what do you have to do for them? What do you got to do? Hire them? What do you got to do?

What do you got to do? You got to change laws? You got to make it easier to dump shit into lakes? What the fuck is going on? They all suck. And that's why they're scared of all this information. They're scared of all this information. It's not to protect you.

That's nonsense. To protect our citizens overseas. You don't give a fuck about them when you're sending them to un-legal war zones or illegal war zones where we shouldn't even be there. It was based on a fucking lie. You don't care about them when you're sending them to unlegal war zones or illegal war zones where we shouldn't even be there. It was based on a fucking lie. You don't care about them then. If you don't care about American soldiers then, you're telling me you care about them now because secrets are getting out?

Really? Fuck you. That's not true. I think they're worried about the moon secret getting out. The moon secret. Yeah, was there anything like that in these WikiLeaks? About them not actually going to the moon? Not yet, not yet, but who knows? Who knows what this guy's got? This guy's got some fascinating shit.

It seems like most of it that's gotten out, at least to the more public, is the gossip stuff, like how these kings have their sluts and stuff like that. I haven't heard too much of that. Really? I haven't heard that. Oh, yeah, it's like that's what Saturday Night Live made fun of and the TMZ's been focusing on. It's all these secret lover relationships that all

these princes and... Why do they keep fucking blogs of this shit? These princes are ballers! Do you think they give a fuck? Do you know like the guy from Abu Dhabi, Prince Taknoon, the guy who runs, he runs the Abu Dhabi Submission Combat Championships, the

World Grappling Championships, and he also owns a piece of the UFC. This guy is like some super insane amount money millionaire type character. This guy, he's got this thing that they do the UFC. It's called Ferrari World. It's like a Ferrari fucking Disneyland with Ferrari, like a Ferrari theme park with like this crazy ass roller coaster. That motherfucker could do anything he wants.

You know, like those guys, like when you get to that level of money, man, people would be surprised that you would find some guy who's a prince in Saudi Arabia and he's got some hookers. He's got some chicks living in his mansion. He wouldn't even know that it's still there. Those guys are ballers, dude. Did you ever hear about that guy, the Sultan of Brunei? I've heard about him flying chicks in all the time. This motherfucker just goes to the limit. This is what he does.

He sits around, right, and he watches, like, Playboy magazine and reads Playboy magazine, watches TV shows, and goes, I like her. I like this one right here. And then he finds out what their agent is, and he gives them insane amounts of money to come to wherever he is, you know, for like Brunei, just hang out for a couple months. See what's up. I'll give you a few million bucks. And so these chicks cannot help it. They have to go.

And there was one of them who was a penthouse pet or something like that. And she got caught with a laptop. She was writing while she was over there and uh that's how the whole thing came out you know that all these chicks who had been saying they were going over there to do modeling there's so many girls that were modeling in brunei and they were really just going and getting gorilla fucked by this prince and all his boys the whole the sultan and all his pals, they had like their own club. They had so much money.

They have their own club. They have this gigantic, insane ballroom that's like the ornate decorations are like incredible, like gold guild work, just the top of the line, everything. And the hottest bitches in magazines and on TV shows, and they're all hanging out there dancing, waiting for him to come out in his gold underwear and just get his freak on with whoever the fuck he wants. I want gold underwear.

You can't hate that. That's such a thing. You cannot hate that. You cannot hate that. This guy's not doing anything that he shouldn't be doing. He's offering them a sum. He's saying, listen, we shouldn't be doing what he's offering them as a sum he's saying listen you know we don't have to call it prostitution i'm gonna hire you to just come hang out just come hang out i'll hire you to party eventually you're gonna get horny you're

gonna let me fuck you you know i got money son you know super mario brothers was all about an italian that just wanted to eat mushrooms with a princess? With a princess? Really? Super Mario Brothers? Now, honestly, I don't think I've ever played it more than once or twice. I never really got into it. Yeah, it's about this Italian plumber that just wanted to eat mushrooms with a princess, but some douchebag kept on taking the princess away. Damn it.

That's how you pimp. These motherfuckers. Eat mushrooms and hang out with a princess. Hey, I heard you are... Why should that be bad I heard you are a DJ like you know how to DJ like mix

get tables this motherfucker can do anything he wants this is Russell Peters bitch is that like a main hobby of yours I started doing that in 85

really now I've always experimented play around I even have the iPad app where you can try to mix and stuff

mix scratchmeister yeah something like that it doesn't work that good but is it is there like a is it easier nowadays to try to mix and stuff using 2MB. Mix Scratchmeister or something? Yeah, something like that. It doesn't work that good. But is it easier nowadays to try to match beats and stuff like that? Way easier now because it's written in a file right in front of you. You just hit a button now and it just matches. No, you'll have your BPMs listed. Right.

And all you've got to do is keep your pitch at the same level and you're good to go. So do you ever throw parties where you're just the DJ and you're having this huge crazy... I have turntables in every house so yeah, I always make sure I... Do you really? So you throw parties at your house and you... Not even, I just do it for me. And then if people are there, I'm like

what do you want to hear? And then I just start playing shit. When Tommy Lee was doing that, what was that rock star show that he was doing? What was that called? The Rockstar Supernova or something? He wanted to have a fight with with kid rock so this was like they were they were really upset at each other and so he wanted to meet me did he so yeah because my friend is one of his bodyguards okay and my friend is this fucking gorilla just mountain of a man you've met uh john rollo right

so john rollo takes me backstage i meet him and this. And this is what Tommy Lee does at the end of every show. He's got a DJ set up. He makes his own party. He just brings his friends over, and he fucking plugs in some turntables and just starts mixing it up. People who DJ, like even Michael Bisping, the fighter, he still DJs. Michael Bisping DJs? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that.

Apparently, people who DJ just fucking love DJing. It must be funny. It's my love. Comedy's my career. Really? Yeah. Whoa. You love DJing more than comedy?

I could sit there and do it all day. Isn't that amazing? See, I've always wanted to get addicted to it because it seems like something that's right down my lane. Man, explain it. Tell me what it is because that's shocking coming from such a successful comedian and someone who's so good at it. I love stand-up. But DJing is on another level?

That makes me want to try it. Exactly. It's kind of like MMA for you. Your job is comedy, but you love MMA. You know what? I love both, honestly. I love both. I don't have a preference.

When I'm doing the UFC, I'm always excited to I'm like I'm never like when I'm doing the UFC I'm always excited to be there I'm never like fuck I wish I was doing comedy you know but yeah same when I'm doing comedy I'm never thinking I wish I was at the UFC well that's the same with me okay so so you just have an equal love for that yeah it is but but you said one of those things you can do at any time anywhere you don't need people around you to do it you don't need people to be totally focused on you either yeah just like there's so many requirements you know attention requirements for stand-up you need people to be focused on you the entire time and not interacting not talking to you whereas if you're djing man everybody could be just doing their thing you know people just but you need nobody to talk to you

then yeah you don't want people talking right right right because you get in the zone and you're like can you play dancing queen you're like can you play dancing queen you're like can you off you know it'll be badass we'll be badass here's what we'll be your crossfader here i'm gonna i'm gonna describe to you guys the greatest show of all time russell peters dj-ing while joey diaz talks on the microphone let's try let's try this little little his gizmo out. What is this thing? It's DJ Mixer for the iPhone. DJ Mixer.

Do you do all this stuff, man? It's not that good. If you go to YouTube and type in my name, there's videos of me scratching with DJ Qbert and stuff. Wow, that's awesome, dude. I have a video of me and Jazzy Jeff DJing together, too. Damn. That's sweet. Jazzy Jeff.

That guy is the Art Garfunkel of rap music. Yeah, this doesn't work. It sucks, right? A little bit. Jazzy Jeff was paired up with Will Smith. Man, I couldn't hate that more. Yes. That's terrible. Don't do that more. Yeah. That's terrible.

Don't do that again, Brian. Throw that thing in the garbage. You might have to hit your iPad with a hammer now. I sound like an old man. These kids with their scratching. That's me. How bad does Jazzy Jeff wish that he somehow or another hit that Will Smith height? He's so far off.

I mean, in the DJ world, he's highly understated. I don't mean in any bad way. I mean, how weird must it have been? You know, like Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon. Where the fuck is Art Garfunkel? Most DJs are introverts, so they... But when you have two people like that, and one person, and they're both involved in a team,

you don't think there's some weird thing when one guy becomes Will fucking Smith? Well, remember George Michael had that other guy in Wham wham yeah but that guy's just getting steady cock that's all he wanted originally if you look at that guy all that guy wanted was cock all day that's what he wanted and so george got him close enough to that it's like i'm good i'm good i got a stockpile he's not even thinking about money i think one of the coolest things about djing one of my good friends is uh his name's keith he's the main editor for uh south park and he every time they have a party he always djs their parties and stuff but he is just like at the point where that's all he that's his favorite thing that's all he wants to do is djing and stuff but what's really cool is that

him mixing like i saw him mix like golden girls the other day or something ridiculous. I like doing crazy shit. So do you? Yeah. Do you do a lot of mashups? And I will see you now. They're called mashups. Back in the day, we just call them mixing. Right.

Like I took this record in this record and came up with this mix. Do you have one mash or mix that's your favorite go to from back in the day? I used to do a give it all you got by Afro Rican. Give It All You Got by Afro Reekin. And I would mix Moments in Love with it because Afro Reekin was like a really fast song and Moments in Love was a slow song. And I would actually have to pitch down Moments in Love to get it on beat.

Wow. That's awesome. Wow. When I'm at the fights and I hear the DJ there, all I do is sit there going, I have to fucking murder this guy on the turntables. Sometimes they have DJs that, when you go to the fights and stuff like that,

they'll have like 15 seconds of a great song and just start getting into it. Then it immediately transitions to another song. I'm like, what are you even doing? You fucking ADD motherfucker. He's trying to get as much music in in his one minute that he's got to play. That's weird though, right? Well, because he's like, shit. Otherwise, they could get anybody to just hit play.

Right. So I want to show you what I can do in this short amount of time. I can be annoying. Be annoying to a drum beat. Throw everything together. It's more just showing

the skills of the DJ instead of actually playing a song. And every time I listen to him, I go, oh my God, his cuts are lame. Is DJ Jazzy Jeff, he's like the pimp DJ? Who's like the best DJ?

That's a tough call. Who's that DJ Tiesto guy? He's horrible. I would never put DJ in front of his name. Really? I want him to get cancer of the bag. But he's a gigantic fucking success though, right? He's fucking terrible.

Man, I... Hope he gets cock cancer. This dude that I know that's like some serious baller character, he's like one of the Friends of the Fertittas. He's like one of those yacht characters, you know, just fucking yachting around the world and shit.

And he was talking about going to see DJ Tiesto at New Year's that it was the thing to do. And I was like, well, what the fuck are you talking about? The people that go to see him

know nothing about music or DJing. Is that what it is? They're just like, this is what the hype thing is, I should probably see it. But we should state in advance that you don't do ecstasy.

No. See? It's true. These fucking people't do ecstasy. No. See? It's true. These fucking people that do ecstasy, maybe what Tiesto's doing is hitting this frequency that only people who do ecstasy can feel. Who were you guys just talking about, by the way? Tiesto? DJ Tiesto? Okay, that's who you

wouldn't even put DJ in front of his name. He's this gigantic DJ. He is. He makes like super huge famous they were telling me the guy was telling me that he was doing a show in front of like 50,000 people for New Year's.

It was this insane New Year's show. Okay but let me tell you what he does. This is the worst part about it. Okay. He doesn't do shit live. It's all pre-recorded.

So it's basically you put on your it's like you recorded a DVD stand up a video of you doing stand up and you put it on you stand in front of it and lip lip-sync the fucking act. Oh, wow.

And you're not even trying to pretend that you're good at it. You're just like this. When I get really old and I just want to be so high all day that I can't think, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to pre-record all my stand-up in advance. Ashley Simpson was a robot. And then just go ad-lib. That might be a funny show, and then people try to hack you,

and they throw you off. And you just play off the rhythm, that might be one, a funny show. And then people try to hack you, throw you off. The fucking, they just play off the background. They just keep motoring through. They don't even know. You have to stop. Hey, stop, stop, stop the, stop the recording. The fuck, dude. Have you played the DJ game for the Xbox?

DJ Hero? Yeah. What do you think about that? I've never played it. I just don't get it. Right. I guess it's like a guy who really plays a guitar. Does he really want to fucking play Guitar Hero? Do you play video games at all? No. So you don't, so you don't feel that I guess it's like a guy who really plays a guitar does he really want to fucking play Guitar Hero

do you play video games at all? so you don't feel that that's like real DJing even though what he's doing is just crafting a party right he's putting together in advance he doesn't even have to think anymore though so once he gets to the live audience he doesn't have to think there's a lot of thinking that must go on

to create it right? no it's fucking like 150 bpms i don't i have never listened to it i can't pull some of that shit up pull some trash let's i need to hear it i need to know what the fuck i'm talking about all of those big name djs people tell me shit about something like that and i have never heard about it before i always feel like how did this happen? Give me a name. DJ Tiesto. T-I-E-S-T-O. There he is.

Tiesto Buttholes. There was a big sign, I think it was in Vegas, about one of his appearances. Yeah, he's there on New Year's, right? I don't know. You know who else is like that? That David Guetta guy. He's the guy that produced all that shit for Black Eyed peas that i got a feeling shit oh really yeah but now he like they they

hire him to dj parties and there's a video of him on youtube where his his shit just canceled on him like he's playing and the first of all these guys are playing cds which is even more horrible to me you're a vinyl guy yeah you can't old school russell peters is old school yes son i like it i like that idea Records and shit Fuck yeah So you gotta bring crates and shit No no no

I still use Serato Which is the software Okay But I use the turntables with it Because you can control it better Oh okay It's still more like real DJing So you have turntables

But you don't have records No I have the two records And that's it Two records I have all my records in Canada. Okay. But I'm not bringing them all back to LA. So when you DJ, you DJ their MP3s or something?

You're cutting up MP3 files. Wow. So there's software and there's a machine that lets you manipulate an MP3 the same way you'd manipulate a record. It's sort of like a virtual thing. And it takes the MP3 and converts it to the test tone to read it. So when you have your hands on the wheels

and the MP3 is playing, you have the same manipulation that you would as if it was vinyl. If you touch it, it'll stop. If you move your hands slowly, it'll make the same

slow record noise. Wow. Now, there's one at Best Buy that I always look at. It's like $500. Would you recommend something like that? There's a system

called Itch. Itch. Which is good. Serato makes that too. Okay. Is this DJ Tiesto that you're playing? Yeah or there's a system called itch itch which is good serato makes that too okay is this dj tiesto that you're playing yeah it's play it let's hear it it reminds me of like beyond the mind's eye soundtrack now just think about yourself blasted on two hits of ecstasy right now this doesn't sound like tiesto yeah Yeah, this doesn't sound right, Brian. This sounds like some gay Swedish fucking pop music. All right, here's Tiesto versus Diablo.

Tiesto versus? No. Not a versus. No, they all say versus, but it's never. Oh, really? What does that mean? You hear all those people cheering? He just walks out. It's like, you know what else snuck up on me, man?

Juggalos. Juggalos snuck up on me, man? Juggalos. Juggalos snuck up on me. Exactly. You don't know what juggalos are. I don't know what juggalos are. Yeah, exactly. Juggalos are the fans of the insane clown posse. Ugh.

I remember them. And they are fucking huge. And it's amazing, man, because it's like they call out family. That's like a thing that they yell out in the crowd. It's like a theme with them. It's like they, like, everywhere out there, there's somebody like you. And they might not be near you, but you can find these motherfuckers. And if you can figure out how to put them together and put them all together in one group, you know, all of a sudden you got something.

And that's what happened with the Insane Clown Posse. These fucking people are lost from all over the world man and they found the insane clown posse i thought they were done no fucking way they're huge dude remember when they tried beefing with eminem back in the day well that didn't work out well that didn't work but right now they're gigantic man and eminem can't leave his fucking house right you know there's something going on with those guys. Okay, look. Look what he's doing.

He's not doing anything. This is hilarious. He's fucking dancing in front of a mixing board. You guys got to, by the way, check out this video. It's called Tiesto vs. Dip. Let me hear it. Come on. Let me hear it.

He's just sitting there dancing to playing Plex. Wow, look at all those. Look, he's not doing a fucking thing. That's not DJing. No. Put your hands down and look at the fucking turntables, asshole. Yeah, it's like he's just. Yeah, he's not doing anything.

You didn't say that. The fucking record didn't. You didn't do shit. Yeah, so he's not doing anything up there? No, they do this all night. He's dancing for you. I like the way he moves. You want to see some fucking queer dance like that all night?

Yeah. Well, he prepared this shit, man. He didn't prepare shit. Look at all those people there, man. Look at all those people. Something's going on that they like, right? Well, he prepared this shit, man. He didn't prepare shit. Look at all those people there, man. Look at all those people. Something's going on that they like, right? Okay, what do we attribute it to?

Drug use is at an all-time high. It's not just that, man. If you were there and you just wanted to dance, that's pretty fucking fun. Yeah, but it's just him pressing play. Whoever had a louder...

Look, he's not... Nothing. Nothing is happening. He's just... He's not doing anything. He's enjoying the fuck out of it. See, something is happening. There's an awesome noise. Yeah, they're being tricked. There's an awesome noise. But is it. He's just not doing anything. But look at all those people enjoying the fuck out of it. See, something is happening. There's an awesome noise.

Yeah, they're being tricked. There's an awesome noise. But is it a trick, Brian, if they actually enjoy it? It is a trick. If you're partying, you're there, and you're on ecstasy. You don't want to be listening to fucking cars drive by, okay? You want to be listening to shit like this. You don't want to be alone by yourself in that spot where there's nothing going on.

You hear a dog barking. Or do you want this guy to hook up this wild crazy fucking light and music show that is dope as fuck and there's a million other people there all sweaty together

and you all got bottled waters and everybody has a god damn good time you can't call that nothing right it could call him that he's not a good DJ

he might press play my argument for him is that he's not a DJ no he's not he's like a radio station DJ. But what is he? Because he's making this crazy ass music that everybody loves. He's some sort of fucking diabolical genius who's mastered

this world of soulless people that have no fucking spines. So your problem is not with his music. It's more with how he does it? No, it's the fact that people call him a DJ and they're like, he's the best DJ. And I'm like, he's not a DJ. So it's like calling an actor a stand-up.

Or a comic that just steals other people's jokes a comic. Right, okay. Or an actor that plays a comic in a movie. Yeah, and then he's such a good comedian. Yeah, well, you hear that all the time about actors, that he's a comedian. And you're like, yeah, I guess he's a comedian, sort of. Yeah, like a guy who studied a that he's a comedian. You're like, oh yeah, I guess he's a comedian, sort of.

You know, the comedian. Yeah, like a guy who studied a role to be a comedian. Yeah, man. We all know who the comedians are.

I mean, everybody, like, isn't that one question that you'll always ask when you hear about a guy's funny? Like, did he do stand-up?

Yeah, that's exactly what I ask. Right? Like Seth Rogen. One of the first things someone said to me when I said, God,

that fucking dude is funny. I love his movies. This guy goes, you know, he used to be a stand-up. Like, immediately. Like, comics want to tell you that like he's like he's like for real he's a real comedian he's not so that's what bugs you yeah that he's a fake dj this fake motherfucker it's making that music then he here's the thing when you get that much success and that much money all you got to do is everybody's going to be handing you their fucking demo right and you go

here's 10 bucks oh my god tiesto bought my song thank you thank you thank you now i'll just compile it onto a disc really yeah so he just takes other people's shit and puts it on a disc why not what's stopping him he's actually i don't know i mean is that really what he does or he's just guessing this is clearly not the joe rogan experience does not support these unfounded claims fight me if that's the case holy shit a dj battle just called out to for in dj fight or a fight fight both oh yeah you don't while you're djing you have to fight i am so passionate about it wow where's this tiesto fellow from i don't know It looks like the gay Switzerland. Somewhere in fucking Europe. The gay Switzerland. What were we talking about earlier?

That might be the name of a town. The gay Switzerland. Look, how is that DJing? You're walking around. Yeah, he's walking around pointing his finger out. If you're DJing, you're fucking focused and you're DJing. Yeah, that's walking around and clapping. When did this become entertaining? It's not even entertaining. I like the way he moves. I wish you never would have showed me this. This is

the most awful thing I've ever seen. Does it make you want to punch him in the fucking head? I think you guys are haters. I like the way that moves. I wish you never would have showed me this. This is the most awful thing I've ever seen. You guys are haters. I like the way that young man gyrates his hips. He's not even giving it that much. He's not. He's doing it like some stiff European move. It's like John Tesh of DJ. It's like a Saturday Night Live sketch. He's exactly the kind of guy

that wears Ed Hardy and wears True Religion. Saturday Night Live should do a sketch about a DJ like that. Just fucking stands on stage. Wow. Impressive. That might be a fun sketch. That sketch would be just as impressive as watching him do it.

That might be a funny sketch, man. Why is he there? Why don't you just press play and get out of there? It's fucking terrible. You know? It hurts my feelings. Or come dance with us, you fuck. When I know some of the best DJjs in the world like that are my good

friends and to me and not even just to me they really are the most talented guys you'll ever see on turntables do you when you get on stage okay and you know you start your show do you have a planned out dj set or do you just let the shit flow like no like like a real comic you get on and you do what works for that room right Right. Just move around. So a real DJ can do that. What feels right. Yeah. Yeah. And these other little fucking pre-packaged guys. So it is kind of like, it's a performance thing. Yeah.

It's kind of like, you know, it's a tuning in thing to the right way to do it. Yeah, you've got to focus on what they're into and then go with them from there. Yeah. I mean, obviously those people are there because they want to hear the horse shit that he's playing. Right. Right. Right.

But, you know, he's not really fucking doing anything, but that they couldn't do themselves. Right. They could have stayed at home With your iPhone. You could probably make those same songs on your iPhone. Yeah, I used to work in factories. I can see both arguments, though.

I used to work in factories, and when the machines were going, it would sound exactly the same. I worked in a printing press. The fucking same noise. Yeah, yeah. Every time it's do-do-do, it's cutting the paper. Yeah, it's not good if you're trying to read something. Maybe we're too old for this shit.

Maybe. Dude, I say that every day now. Every day I'm like my father or something. I really am becoming that. I'm everything I thought I would never be. It's what happens. When you have kids, that's exactly how it goes down. It's like, oh, I get why everybody is just grumpy and wants to be left alone.

That's what it is. You're naturally just getting old. You're tired of this nonsense. If you want to hear really talented DJs, go to DJSpinBad.com. DJ Spin Bad? Yeah. Phenomenal. Starting from scratch, DJSFSpodcast.com.

I appreciate that when I'm at a club in Vegas or something like that, and one guy just hits the right songs over and over and over again and just gets a good mood going. Yeah, see, I know when to expect it. I know if I go to Vegas and I go to a club, I'm going to hear the shit that you hear on the radio that I don't like, but everybody's having a good time, so I don't mind that. Right, okay.

I know I'm not there for me. I'm there because everybody else is. How does a DJ get to a point where he can sell concerts? That's what I don't understand. How does that go down? I have no clue how that works. Well, that Girl Talk guy is pretty popular. He just mashes up other people.

He's the worst, too, because he has this program that he uses where he doesn't even have to do shit. Dude, every now and then, though, some songs, when they're mashed up, it's like, oh, it's different. But every now and then, there's one song that's like, wow, this is better than the original. And that one, he had the on and on with Biggie. Yeah. Dude, play that. Start the beginning. Did you ever get Blue Eyes meets Bed-Stuy?

No. That was Frank Sinatra mixed with Eyes meets Bed-Stuy? No. That was Frank Sinatra mixed with Biggie. How was it? Incredible. Really? What's it called? Bed-Stuy. Bed-Stuy.

On and on. On and on. Dude, I heard Frank Sinatra was a cunt, and I don't like him anymore. You should take that picture off. I read all this shit. I know. That's Johnny Cash, bro. No, the one in the hallway?

Oh, the one when he's mugshot? Yeah, yeah, the mugshot. I just read all the stuff about what an asshole used to be. I was like, wow. It's kind of... I kind of used to think it was kind of cool to like Frank Sinatra because he was like one of those cool old guy things. You know, he was in the Rat Pack.

But then you read about like his behavior, like how he used to treat people. And you're like, this guy seems like a shithead. Right, he was kind of a thug, right? Yeah, I don't know. Was he mobbed? Maybe he was just a shithead guy seems like a shithead. Right. He was kind of a thug, right? Yeah. I don't know. Was he mafia? Maybe he was just a shithead

to people who were shitheads. Was he mobbed up? I mean, I know he was in with the mob, but was he mob? This one? No, On and On. Girl Talk, On and On.

Ugh, Girl Talk. Any man that calls himself girl talk. He likes girls. So do I. Let's talk about girls. But, you know. This is it. Turn this up.

Oh, man. Come on, son. Come on, son. I think you'll like it because Sunshine of My Life is in the background. I do. It's a perfect mashup, man. You know what it is? It's Sunshine of My Life and Let the Beat Hit Him by Lisa Lisa.

Oh, it is? The beat is. Wow. Wow. I would have never picked that up. That, to me, is alien. That's awesome. You figured that out. Wow, I would have never picked that up. That, to me, is alien. That's awesome. You figured that out.

Wow, that's crazy. Where is that? Let the beat hit em. Let the music take control. I can't see it, man. I'm music illiterate. Okay, now find Let the Beat Hit Em by Lisa Lisa. That's crazy. You can just... You heard heard that song before or you just picked it up i can hear it right away wow see that you're that's what real dj nerds do wow that's really impressive dude to me this is like

a language i don't understand hey watch here you go see now i don't like the song. It shifts somewhere in the middle. I don't like it anymore. No, this is the house version. This is the wrong version. God damn it. The house version. Try that one.

There it is. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch.

Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. Watch. You must tune your bass to ours. Look out. One, two, three, four. Hit.

I have no idea what you're talking about. No. Oh, you're going off the thump. The beat. Oh, shit. I don't even hear that. There's a break in it coming up. Watch. I'll show you exactly where off the thump. The beat. Oh, shit. I don't even hear that. There's a break in it coming up. Watch.

I'll show you exactly where he took it from. Right here. All right. Oh. This sequence is repeated several times. Wow. Dude, you should work for the government. You should work for the fucking CIA, man.

Yeah, let's hear it. One, two, three. Mace. Here it is. Holy shit. Two, three. Mace. All right, let's go back to the other song.

Go to the other song. Whoa, that's freaky. i can hear it now dude you just impressed the fuck out of me that was that was awesome that was some amazing shit dude how did you do that that's so. I'm a music nerd with this shit. Dude, that was the coolest fucking thing. Wow. That was like, dude, you just deciphered

some fucking Mayan hieroglyphs. Joe, and that's why I think we need to both buy DJ tables and start practicing going to used record stores and trying to find cool mashups.

Dude, I got kids. I don't have any fucking time. You can get them involved. Anytime you come to LA, you come to my house and we will throw down. It just looks so fun. I can't get into anything

else. There's not enough time in the day. That's why you need to cut certain things out that hurts you and gets you diseases. How often do you train? All the time. I'm sick right now. I got sick when I was in Montreal. I haven't been able to train all week. Instead of watching eight documentaries a day, you take two out

and take those four hours and put it towards... You don't understand me. You don't understand me. I'm not a normal person. I'm obsessive. I have issues. I'm managing my issues. And my issues is I can't get into anything.

What's that? Where are you training? I don't want to tell people on this podcast. I'm just going to show up and want to hug my dick. He gets the curves. I go to curves. I take those fat bitches down. Choke the shit out of them. I've been sick all week, curves. He gets the curves. Take those fat bitches down. Choke the shit out of them.

I've been sick all week, man. What's that? Oh, shit. I forgot to turn my phone on. Your phone's ringing, Brian? Really? This is like podcast number 750. What kind of game?

I got Mastermind hitting me. One of my good friends who was a phenomenal DJ back then. Then he retired. And he hit me with a text saying, you're a traditional DJ. Hard to explain the passion in that nowadays. No, it's not hard. You explained it very well. I don't think it was hard at all.

I totally get what you're saying. What that guy does is a different thing than what you do. But what I'm saying is that he's providing something that all these people enjoy the fuck out of. Yeah, that I'm not mad at. I'm just mad at the fact that it's not even him. The people that are like, he's the best DJ. I'm like, he's not a fucking DJ. How dare someone call me in the middle of a fucking podcast?

How dare you? Why is my mom calling you? My voicemail is not set up, unfortunately. It's fucking Sussman. It's Chandra. I have to answer it, unfortunately. It's fucking Sussman. It's Chandra. Chandra. I have to answer it, unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen. It's my fucking voicemails.

Have you ever DJed underwater? You should do that. It was that time I electrocuted myself. That's funny. My dad just got me one of these things for Christmas. He just sends me a box of miscellaneous things, and it's always tools and stuff. And it looks like a pin, and it's to detect if there's any electricity in something. So if you want to know if you're changing an outlet, you want to know if it's still hot or not.

It goes, and I'm like thinking, wow, that's kind of cool. But then I'm thinking, wait, I've never ever changed or needed this ever in my life. So now I'm just like Harry Potter walking around the house going. You know what I love, dude? I've got a stud finder. I want to hang things up. Right. And you move it along.

And all of a sudden, I did carpentry. I worked as a carpenter's assistant when I was a kid. I did a lot of construction, labor and construction sites. You know, a lot of it was hammer and nails and shit like that. But you used to have to tap on things and listen to the sound of where the studs were. You had to try to figure it out. You had to go away using your ears. And then you would find it.

And then you'd find it. You'd measure off 16 inches. Which is really accurate, by the way. Was there ever a need to go past just knocking? Yes, because this thing is dope as fuck. Because you may catch the corner of the stud. And now you catch the center of the stud. Yeah, now you get the center.

I mean, look, I kind of get the idea that, well, hey, we're losing all this, you know, these skills that we used to have, but what kind of fucking skills are those, man? We've got better ways of making houses now. Should we just embrace that? Those skills are now moving on to actual jobs. Like, pretty soon, that person that used to check you in

at McDonald's is going to be gone because of the newest stud finder. Oh, yeah, it's going to be a robot. There's a stud finder now that's new. Yeah, for sure. You can't reason with a robot, though, so you need human reasoning involved. Yes, you need human. Certainly, we're going to run out of human jobs.

It's going to be a weird thing. I mean, people are worried about jobs going overseas. You've got to worry about jobs going to robots. That's the real fear. Wait, wait, wait. Until they get out to Indian robots. That's going to be terrible. Indian robots will kick ass. You know, I used to work for a company that I was one of the only Americans of 40 employees,

all Indian, right off the boat or airplane. I'm sorry. You can say that. We were in Ohio, bro. We know what you mean. But none of them spoke English, and my job was to teach them to be American. So all they had to do was just be around me, and I was to teach them to be american so that all they had to do is just be around me and like i would sometimes tell them to do something here and there but

mostly i felt it was right after 9-11 too and i was like wow why are all these people here i i don't they they're indian but you get indians that didn't speak english they're generally a highly educated they i mean they did but very hard and. The biggest problem was that a lot of them didn't wear deodorant. And unfortunately, this room was like 40 of us in this room. And I was in this small side room. Didn't you tell me that you dated a chick once that didn't wear deodorant? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

I've done that. It's terrible. It's awful. A little Esther. What the fuck did you just do? I don't know. You just out-heard the word. Anyways, I had to go because it got so bad because this room was so packed with so many employees and it just smelled so bad.

I had to go to the president of the company and be like, sir, may I please speak to you for a second? And they were like, hey, you know, this one guy in general just really smells really bad. That is offensive as fuck. I know it was, but I didn't know what to do. I couldn't work anymore when it just just like a big BO armpit. Every day, it got bad. And so I finally had to break in and tell him. And I felt so bad.

He was very understanding. And the next day, the guy comes in like a full suit and tie, hair combs. He goes, how do I smell now? And I'm like, I'm sorry. I felt so stunk. First of all, that guy is an idiot because he went right to him and told him that you said it. That guy sucks. I know.

The guy you confided in is a WikiLeaker. The weirdest thing about this company is I never understood what we were actually doing, though. None of them had jobs, but yet it was like I didn't know if we were hiding people to distribute Indians throughout the United States or something. What was the name of the company you were working for? Software Friends or something like that. And they made weird things. Instead of eBay, it was called eBuy. But you'd go to the website.

They were like a knockoff website? Yeah, it was just knockoff, tons of knockoff websites. A knockoff with fucking imported slave labor. And there was no work work being made i need information they'd be like goggle it like like i was like there's no work like there was no there was no real i just sourced there was no company to this thing it was just like what whoa it was like a fake software company and i was supposed to be like the lead programmer designer and i like made one website what was your email for them uh something software friends or something like that i wonder how many dudes are

bernie made off in it somewhere like at yahoo yeah exactly yahoo i wonder how many people who run businesses are like bernie made off in it i wonder how many people are out there just fucking totally scamming people right it had to be a scam of some sort and it was funny because it was not to i wasn't saying terrorist it was it was two months after 9-11 i got this job or something like that and i i the whole time i'm thinking something's not right here with this united states this this company right here there's something going on here and someone's being extra paranoid you know like america go america we gotta get these terrorists and stuff and this seemed like like like the weirdest thing ever don't tell this to alex jones we'll have some fucking reason behind it yeah what state was this in uh columbus ohio

that'll do it henderson road wow it's still there it actually changed the name it's not called software friends but the home of buster douglas that's crazy man hey um by the way since we're on it right i think you should punch up uh biggie and sinatra yeah i think joe would really, I think you should punch up Biggie and Sinatra. Biggie and Sinatra. I think Joe would really like it. I think you guys would both like this. What was the name of the mix? What did you say it was called?

It's like going to the off-garden in the ghetto. There you go. Try that one. You might like this. Oh, that's what I wanted to talk about. This guy, when we were talking about scams, there There was a guy named You know what Gambala is? The Porsche modification company Okay

Have you heard of them before? They're like really famous Because they take like these crazy cars Like Carrera GT It's like a $400,000 car And they take it And they make this extreme mod They make it like

They make the body kit look different Put like insane amounts of horsepower on it This guy was crazy. I mean, he's like, did the wild shit to cars. 1,000 horsepower, 650 horsepower, twin turbos and shit. And apparently he was like ripping people off left and right. And he went on a trip and someone picked him up. It was like a business trip.

Someone picked him up at the airport and just jacked him. They just fucking handcuffed him and shot him in the back of the head. They made him call his wife and try to get him to send money, send a million euros. And the guy only spoke English, so he called his wife in English. He's talking to his family in English, so they knew something was wrong.

Because he speaks German. So the guy just disappears. Nobody knows where the fuck he went. No one knows what happened. And then months later they find his body. It's always dangerous to rob rich people, because they're always a little crazier about their money. Yeah. It's a crazy story, though, man.

This guy was just trying to fuck everybody. Just, you know, just like he had one car, and three people that had paid for it. You know, he'd sold it to three people. He was making it the same car, you know. It was just kind of fuck them, you know. And I guess he did it to the wrong dude or something. Probably some Russian dude.

Crazy, man. People get nutty when it comes to money, man. I don't have to tell you that, right? Yeah, I mean, I've never been money driven, so I'm kind of happy about that. That's the best way to be. I do the things I love to do. That's why I like. Yeah, you're a laid back dude, man.

You know, especially for a guy Who's successful as you are As far as like, you know Well, same with you Your stand up Yeah, but it's rare, right? There's not a lot of us Yeah, a lot of people You would think, oh, that person's

Gonna be a little Douchey Uppity Yeah It's the most disappointing thing When they are, right? Yeah, you're always like, oh But it's one of the coolest things

When they aren't, you know When someone has gone through Some I was, you know Saturday was the first time I met Dana. Oh, really? And he was really fucking cool. He's so down to earth, man.

I thought he was going to be aloof. No, not at all, man. Not at all. I was like, wow. He didn't just meet me and walk away. He was engaging and he was very cool. And I was like, fuck that. He's in the moment for real.

It's a real business. You can't be running a business and fighting. I was very pleasantly surprised by him. My nose is stuffy. I'm going to have to blow it. Here you go. You like this program? I like that.

So everybody in the house, give a warm round of applause for the Notorious B.I.T. The Notorious B.I.T., ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for them, y'all. It was all a dream. I used to read Bird Up magazine. Something pepper and heavy D up in the magazine. Hanging pictures on my wall. Every Saturday, rap attack, Mr. Magic, Molly Mall.

I let my tape rock till my tape pop. Smoking weed and bamboo, sipping on private stock. Way back when I had the red and black lumberjack with the hat to match remember rapping dude the hard the hard you never thought that hip-hop would take it this far now i'm in the limelight cause i'm wrong tight you dig that's awesome The opposite of a winner Remember when I used to eat sardines for dinner Mr. R.G., Brucie B., Dick Dupree Funkmaster Flex, Lovebug Biggie was the best.

My favorite of all time. So special, man. There's not that many dudes that just had every fucking rhyme, just had that certain beat that made your head move. There's a lot of guys that I like their lyrics. It's good. I see what you're doing. I like it. He's the only guy you could take his acapellas and put it over any beat and it sounds like yeah he knew that

beat was playing yeah yeah amazing i like that but i am sick of that song so do you do shows were you dj do you i mean now that you're a famous comedian do you ever do that like just no i have two djs on stage with me when i'm performing. Oh, you do? Wow, really? I have DJs spin bad and starting from scratch. Wow, that's awesome. That's badass.

And then they play on four turntables and one plays instrumentals and one plays acapellas and they're fucking incredible. And how do you do that? Do you have them do it before the show?

They do it before the show as the warm up. Right. And then I have a comic come out and then That is badass. And then they play the audience out

on the way out because they're bigger venues right so right that's awesome man what is the comedy scene in canada like right now is there a lot of competition i'm from toronto i'm excited about april buddy yeah it's gonna be crazy coming all over the place what would you started off in canada though was it was it was it hard to start off in canada or if? In 19 and you don't know what, you know, you have nothing to compare it to, right? Right. But there's a good scene in Canada, right? As far as, especially Toronto, right?

Toronto has a real good comedy scene. Vancouver does as well, right? Yeah. I think all of Canada. I mean, there are always little gems come out of all these little pockets in Canada. And we have to work harder because the audiences are a little more stiff out there.

Really? They're very loving and they love you to death, but you still got more stiff out there. Really? They're very loving, and they love you to death, but you still got to earn their laughs. Really? I find that. In Canada? Yeah, it's almost more of a, look, we've paid money. You better be fucking good.

Wow. Maybe you charge it too much. And they stare at you. No, I'm talking back in the club days. That's funny. Yeah, when you're starting out, man, there's a huge difference between people that come out to see you when they know who you are

and someone who's just coming to a comedy show. Yeah, you get a little leeway then, you know? Yeah. You can do little jokes that you would never have done before. Yeah, and you know that they like your sense of humor, too. You know, like when someone doesn't know your sense of humor and doesn't know how you think, and then they come to a show,

and it's like, you know, when you first start out, they're just coming to see you. It's like, no one ever goes to a club that says live music and you know you're dressed goth hoping that's what you get you know what i mean but with comedy man you know there's a lot of people that come to a comedy show they don't know what the fuck they're getting they get barry manilow or guns and roses they don't know what they're getting it's true you know it's tricky it's the uh surprise bag of comedy yeah totally that's why when someone you know it's like like this weird music on the internet you know it's like you got to find what you like and just there's one i got this one you know it's and and then that's that becomes a problem in some areas when one guy has one successful style

of performing and then you see all the people around him sort of like mimic it and morph into it like a Dave Attell type thing. Like Dave Attell has this so specific way of talking. It's so catchy. I love Dave. It's fucking awesome. He's a great guy. But he made like a billion babies. A billion clones. Oh yeah. Same with Mitch

Hedberg did that too, right? Yes, Mitch Hedberg did too. Mitch Hedberg came out with this fresh style and then you hear a lot of guys sounding like him. I so like it because it was so fun to do. I'm cracking the coconut water. You motherfucker. I need another one. Oh, C2O Coconut Water sent me a bunch of this shit.

I know. You heard about us talking about podcasts. Oh, I got to get you some dank. So thank you very much, my friend. C2O Coconut Water is the shit. If you've never had it before, I've become addicted to this stuff. And people give me shit about getting sick. Like, hey, Joe, what about your probiotics, man?

I haven't been sick in three years, the first time I've been sick. But coincidentally, here's my fucking conspiracy theory. I slacked off on the acidophilus. That was my fault. But what I didn't slack off on was the kombucha. I was drinking a lot of kombucha. But GT's kombucha, they got kicked off the shelves.

They were in the shelves of Whole Foods. They got kicked off because they had more than one half of 1% alcohol because the mushroom ferments when it's inside those things. And if you, you know, it stays in the crates for too long, or if it doesn't get cold enough, it continues to ferment and it gets stronger and stronger. So it gets over one half of 1%. But whatever the fuck they did to keep it from fermenting when it's sitting in the cases, they watered down the flavor. It's like really watery.

It's a totally different flavor. And it doesn't feel the same. It doesn't feel like it has the same health benefits either. So I think I'm eating dead kombucha. I think I'm drinking some funk shit. Sons of bitches. Those motherfuckers. That's why you're sick now because you've been licking toilets.

Kabamboozle. I don't lick them, bro. I don't lick them. But I do sit on them and I remember thinking twice. I figure, what the fuck? You don't even put the paper down? I just wipe them off. Wow.

I still have not broken that level of... I think that's all crazy psychological shit. I think you get home and you take a shower, you're going to be okay. Really? Yeah, I think so. And I always pee on the seat when I leave. Just piss all over it to leave my mark.

Let them know you were there. Let them know. No, I don't do that. I always clean the seat if I piss on piss all over it to leave my mark Let them know you were there No I don't do that I always clean the seat if I piss on it I try to Except for if I have multivitamin P Multivitamin P's give you away man When people know you're healthy And they see your pee

They know it's yours That fluorescent orange shit splattered all over the seat Like look at you Healthy lazy Pissing and fuck Lava lamp when I piss orange shit splattered all over the scene. Like, look at you, you healthy, lazy, piss-hating fuck. Looks like you're a lava lamp when I piss. Yeah, someone else peeing on you is not good. That's just as a general rule.

I'm reading people's tweets while I'm talking to you. That's always a bad move. Is it? Because those motherfuckers want attention. That's true. To start going talking to you. That's always a bad move. Is it? Because those motherfuckers want attention. That's true. To start going off on you. They're saying props for me for calling out Tiesto and being a fake-ass DJ.

Wow. That's cool. Well, when you start a fight with anybody, I've found in this world that when you start a fight with anybody, there's always going to be a bunch of people that want to join in. It doesn't matter even if you're right. It's like there's always a side.

You could be totally wrong and there's always going to be a, like, I got a million fucking people, you know, that were mad at me

for the whole Carl Smansey thing that didn't see it for the way I saw it. There's always going to be people who are idiots. You know, there's always going to be

people who don't agree with you, but there's always also going to be people that just want to fight about shit. So, if you know,

if you're going after DJ Tiesto, they're like, yeah, fuck him. I hope a fucking car full of AIDS runs into him. People just will start getting angry, man. If you fucking hate somebody, I fucking hate it too. I got duped into liking him, so fuck you. And they're like, bond with you, dude. Thank God you fucking said that.

That guy can suck a fucking million rancid dicks. Whoa, bro. I don't think it's DJ Tiesto that's the problem. I think we need to sit down. We need to find out where your anger's coming from. We need to get a group hug. So check this out. You heard about Miley Cyrus doing salvia and everything like that, right?

Imagine something happened to me with you, Joe, recently, and I realized how easy this is. So this is a tip if you have an iPhone. All right. Everyone tip iPhone. If you have an iPhone and you plug it into somebody's laptop to charge it, and if it's not locked, meaning like if you're using it, checking your text messages while you're charging on somebody's laptop, they open iPhoto. They can take all your photos, all your videos off your computer that I did that to you yeah I know off your computer without you even knowing it yes and so that is

a perfect example like Miley Cyrus oh my friend took a photo or a video you know I'm going to use your laptop to charge bam you got all of Miley Cyrus's videos salvia so that's a tip if you're ever plugging in your iPod or iPhone into a laptop, just make sure you're checking them. And if you're still plugging in your phone that way to charge it, you're a fucking retard. Well, you know, you're at somebody's house. Like, hey, do you have a charger? Oh, you can plug it into my laptop. Yeah, I mean, that does charge it up.

Right. Does it charge it up as fast, though? Yeah, I mean. Does the USB port? I don't trust that way, yeah. I'll just be like, you know what? I'll just miss some calls. Right.

Wow. Wait till I get back in the car. That's just a little tip. It's confident and old school. I don't need this. Yeah. I can put this down. Do you ever get the sense if you leave your phone at home, you ever do that?

I get a little freaked out. Yeah. What's up with that? I have nothing to hide in that phone, but I get freaked out. Yeah. I don't want people answering my goddamn calls. Absolutely. And I don't want to be disconnected either.

It's true. I will turn around and go home. Most of the time, unless I, if I'm on my way out the door to a flight and I was halfway to the airport

and I knew I would miss the flight if I turned around, I might have to turn around. Yeah. Well, if I'm leaving town, fuck it, I'm missing the flight. What am I going to do?

I'm going to fucking not have my phone? I'm going to be in Cincinnati with no phone? What the fuck? And then I'm going to wait for somebody to FedEx it to me? Yeah, or I'm going to go to 7-Eleven

and buy some phone there. Yeah, but you don't know anybody's phone numbers anymore. I don't know anybody's phone numbers. Well, you do if you have mobile me service, and then you just go online to any of your contacts.

If you have an iPhone. Yeah, well, that's... Everyone should have an iPhone by now. No, no. What do you want? Well, I use a BlackBerry for my main phone because I like the whole software better.

It's not as good, for sure. It gets stuck sometimes. Sometimes it gets weirded out. Sometimes it reboots. The clock shows up. Yeah, I have one. Yeah, sometimes it reboots out of nowhere. But when you're using it, but when you're using it to answer emails or to answer phone calls or to forward texts or to do anything like that.

It's good for Twittering, too. Yeah, I don't like it for Twittering. I like iPhones better. I think what I like an iPhone for, I think it's a great internet device, but the phone is dog shit. The phone, like service in America with AT&T is so fucking bad.

AT&T's horrible, dude. I can't do it. So I need Verizon. And I need a phone that's going to work when I'm on the road and I'm in other countries too. So I need GSM. January iPhone most likely. And then hopefully pretty soon.

Yeah, Verizon. And pretty soon I don't think BlackBerry is going to last much longer. I think they're just going to become an app on an iPhone soon. What? Yeah, you're going to have your BlackBerry app so you can get used to the way the BlackBerry operating system is. Dude, you're so Apple friendly. No, no, no no i mean i'm talking about android and fucking iphones that that shit's destroying all the other guys look at palm palms i don't think you're right brian i think blackberry still has a giant percentage of the market blackberry owns the business world yeah

yeah until it's like windows you would think that it would die off but it never will right remember when you were yeah when you first got into mac and like my god this is so much better Yeah. It's like Windows. You would think that it would die off, but it never will. Right. You would think PCs would go away. Yeah. When you first got into Mac, you're like, my God, this is so much better. Why would anybody have viruses and registry hacks and bullshit and fucking pop-up Windows that eat all your computer up? But you know from using the BlackBerry how fucking annoying BlackBerrys are. Ugh.

No, no. It's a new... First of all, the new operating system, you haven't used it in a long time. I used the new one. Have you used this? The Torch? Not the Torch. I haven't used the Torch. What's that for? I have a new curved one with the flat trackpad. It doesn't have a ball. It has a trackpad.

I like it, man. The Torch is like an iPhone and a BlackBerry combined. It's all touchscreen. If I just had it for one device, I might have to like if i just had it it's got one device i might have to go to the iphone if i could only have one device bell mobility in canada gave it to me if i could only have that's canadian that's why i don't know what this is if i had to use actually no you don't know about the torch that's the new one no i don't yeah the last thing i saw

that was a touchscreen was the storm 2 which was a piece of shit yeah that was a piece of shit if i had to use only one phone, I would pick the iPhone. But to use two is better because this way you don't eat up your battery on your main phone. Because I like to fuck around with the iPhone. You've got to get one of those Morphe packs, man. Those are gross, man. I want to carry some extra-ass battery. Some girl had it the other day.

I saw it and I played with it. It's not bad. You'll get used to it. Sure, it sucks. It's a giant brick that you stick on the back of it. It's not as bad as it used to be. Were you on the new iPhone? The iPhone 4.

The piggyback battery? Well, it's kind of built into the case so it looks... Yeah, that was the one that was a charger. It's not the one with the fucking car battery. No. This one's Morphe juice pack

We're going back to the old days when you had a suitcase for a fucking cell phone. That's what we're going to go back to. We're going to go back to... You're going to need so much power to do what you need your cell phone to do because the cell phone's processor is going to so far exceed battery life. You're going to go back to. You're going to need so much power to do what you need your cell phone to do because the cell phone's processors are going to so far exceed battery

life. You're going to be walking around with a suitcase nuke, like a fucking giant ass battery that's like a car battery on a handle. It's going to be attached to your phone and your phone's going to be able to time travel. That's what's going to happen. My assistant has the Evo. That giant fucking phone.

Super battery killer. The one with the kickstand? Oh, my God. We've been making fun of him for that one forever. Pretty weird, huh? Yeah. It looks like your iMac. Yeah, your iMac.

But it's cool if you want to watch a movie on your phone. Yeah, but it won't last. It has an HDMI input. Yeah, his battery sucks. Yeah, the battery's so horrible. Now he has this giant fucking battery. It looks like he's walking around with this thing. That's what I'm talking about.

That's what we're going to. It's right. We're going to a battery that's actually connected to the wall, and it sends a wireless signal out to your phone and keeps it charged. I think projectors are going to become a lot bigger in the future where they're going to be so bright and powerful coming from your little phone that you could actually just make your own screen anywhere. So we're going to have like a Razer phone with like Xbox Kinect style projection

wherever you want to. Well, if Nikola Tesla, if they had just listened to him and just let him work his magic, we would all have wireless electricity now. And then we wouldn't have any of these battery issues. There'd be electricity in the air. Oh, yeah, I know about that.

Russell, have you seen that new application that was just released called something like, what was called joe the c word application word c or something like that where you just point your board i'll check it out you point your phone at anything like say say like you're overseas and there's like some writing on the wall that you can't understand it's in a different language just point your phone at it and it looks like a camera but it translates it and puts it into this whatever you're looking at oh is that like it's almost like urban spoon yeah what you just point your phone oh yeah direction and it tells you where It looks like a camera, but it translates it and puts it into whatever you're looking at. It's almost like Urban Spoon. Yeah.

What? You just point your phone in any direction and it tells you where a restaurant is. Right, right. Exactly. Oh, really? This instant translates anything. That's pretty cool. Yeah.

It detects the translation and changes it. Here it is. It's called Word Lens. Word Lens. It's really pretty fucking crazy. You look at it through the camera, and the camera reads it and translates it on the screen. It's ridiculous. It's a free app?

No, I think it's like... Yeah, it's free. Is it free? Oh, and they have language packs that cost like... If you want a different language, it's like five bucks or something. Oh, that makes sense. That's smart. By the way, if you are playing video games on your iPad or iPhone right now, EA has all

their games for 99 cents. A lot of these games are like $12 for your iPad or iPhone or 99 cents right now. Really? For how long? Yeah, until through Christmas. And they have like SimCity Deluxe and like Madden, which is like $13 usually on the iPad. It's 99 cents right now, so jump on that.

So what is this, like a promotion? Yeah, EA Christmas sale. Oh, wow. So a lot of these games. I mean, I downloaded like five games last night, and it cost me $5, and they normally cost me like $50 or something. What does a game cost? Like if you go to buy like Call of Duty or something like that, what do they cost? Oh, for like Xbox and stuff.

It's like anywhere from $59 to $69 new. Are you shitting me? Yeah. God damn. They used to be, what, like $39? Yeah, but I'm thinking about back in the day when I was a kid and fucking Atari games. I never was really an Atari kid. I never had it, but I'm thinking about back in the day when I was a kid Fucking Atari games I never was really an Atari kid I never had it but I remember them

My parents bought me the bootleg system It was called Gemini Gemini and it played fucking Atari games Yeah yeah yeah Even back then like how many people You talk about teams that people get on How many people are like Sony Playstation or Xbox 3

And they'll like argue back and forth and the playstation sucks and it's fucking well back in the day it was atari versus calico vision yeah it's always nintendo versus sega there has to be competition or it would suck you know it's not just there has to be competition it's just everyone has to pick a fucking side and stick with it yeah you know yeah nobody can go this is better on yours but this is better on mine yeah nobody's like that reasonable no everybody wants to be with the right cell phone carrier too you ever notice that yeah you know if like you were verizon right yeah fucking verizon's a shit right all these idiots out there in at&t what the fuck are you doing like they like want

to join you in on some fucking verizon clan you like sprint are you with sprint sprint's good yeah we're sprint we're sprint bros cricket's. Yeah, we're Sprint. We're Sprint bros. Cricket's the best. Cricket. You're going to get cricket and you're going to like it. There was a bunch of those little companies, right? You know what bugs me the most?

Those Metro PCS fucking commercials. Oh, yeah, yeah. The most racist commercials in the history of racist commercials. Yeah, what the fuck, man? Somebody, if I ever meet those Indian boys, I'm slapping them in their face.

I'm trying to wake them up. What the fuck is that? Wake them up. What the fuck is that? Wake them up. What the fuck are you doing? Dude, they sold out. What is the commercial? Play it. Have you never seen the Metro pieces?

No, I have seen it, but I think people should know. Metro pieces. Jesus, they're horrible. People should hear it. They are horrible. Yeah, people in Canada don't know them, I don't think. Boost Mobile ones are brutal, too. You remember the Boost Mobile ones where dudes would be like, where you at?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the question. Greetings. This is Tech & Talk, where we give you the down low on the techno. Hot and spicy news. Whoa. Sweet holy moly. Metro PCS is offering unlimited talk, text, and web for just $40 a month

with all taxes and fees included. It's a telecom miracle. If this can be true, Chad, maybe your career in dance isn't yet doomed. Okay, but this is obviously comedy. Well, there's like a couple of them that are little. This drives you nuts. Yeah. But if you made those characters on stage, it wouldn't drive anybody nuts.

You know what I'm saying? It's a parody. They're not actually used to sell any this is like one time is fine you know i mean like i understand that they're selling something but they're selling something with comedy right they're trying to be funny there that's that's not it's such a poor attempt it bothers me i get that and the fact that like these guys don't ever win the uh like i'm always about the underdog so those would be the underdogs in the commercial right i think it would be funnier if they won like whatever it is there the joke is right you know

okay i see what you're saying so they they end up being the brunt and then they end up being the fucking brunt again yeah they keep on being the brunt over and over and over right okay like when they have like this big fat chick in one of the other commercials to show 90 coverage this guy's looking at her like, ooh. And I'm like, seriously, dude? Are you fucking kidding me? I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying. That it's not clever and it's kind of mean spirited. Yeah. It's just like, huh? Look what we've done. Yeah. How obvious, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's tricky, man. Hello, this is second talk. Color three. I'm having problems with my cell phone. Calls keep

dropping. If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem. A bad snake, Charmin. Always blimps his snake. Ooh, cold. Like an ice lolly. I just laughed. I assume you're on a feeble 2G network. Get Metro PCS and you'll be talking smack on 3G with nationwide coverage in over 11,000 cities and towns.

$40 a month. Okay, I'm sorry, man. That shit's funny. I don't give a fuck what you say. But what's not funny is the value that Metro PCS is giving us, Joe. When he just had that non-sequitur with the fucking snake charmer. That made me laugh, man. Well, there you go. That's fart jokes for

Indian people. Listen, it's not brilliant. They're just trying to sell some bullshit. I think they just made him look so fucking stereotypical. What would you do, though, differently? How would you make it different if you had that scenario? Give him Mexican accents? Absolutely.

I would have picked really Aryan-looking people and then given them a Mexican accent. Yeah, you can always make fun of Nazis. There's no one around to stand up for Nazis. Nazis will be on the shit list for a hundred years until the next group of fucking psychopaths comes along. It's like I bet for the longest time Nazi jokes were Roman jokes. You'd be shitting on the Romans, right?

But you try a Roman joke today and nobody, you know, what are you, a fucking Roman? What are you saying? There's nothing. But you hit them with, what are you, a fucking Nazi? And it's like, oh, that shit's still valid.'s a good one you zinged me yeah imagine at one time they used to say that

what are you a fucking roman what kind of roman are you what are you a flan that was actually an insult from the movie the hustler the movie the hustler piper laurie says to Bert... Fuck, what is his name? The very famous actor that died a long time ago. The hustler in that movie with Paul Newman? Yeah, it wasn't Paul Newman, but it was the guy who played Bert. Fuck, I can't remember his name. Anyway, she goes, you're a Roman, Bert. Maybe in the 70s.

It's like she was saying, you're a Nazi. It was in the 60s. It was 1963, I believe. Was that all that movie? Yeah, 60 or 63 63 I don't remember I should I should look it up so I don't give anybody

any misinformation and I should look it up just cause I should need to know the fucking name of the the dude who was an amazing actor who was in it

so somebody's like can you guys talk about something worthwhile wiki leaks perhaps you missed it already stupid fucking know about you twats

I like I like I read the twitters now because people are like You missed it already, stupid. I don't fucking know about you, twats. I like I read the Twitters now because people are so looking into it. Like we're going to be the fucking reason that there's a change in the world. George C. Scott. Ah, George C. Scott. Yeah. Patton. He played Patton, right?

Yes, yes. Piper Laurie says, you're a Roman, Bert. It's her way of saying you're a Roman, Bert. It's her way of saying, you're a Nazi. Like, you piece of shit. He was pimping her. I think he boned her, too, as well. It's pretty disappointing with these early reviews of Tron. I know, man. I wasn't going to see it tonight.

And somebody made a great point, though. It's like, if Disney was going to have a rave, would you go to it? Would you think it was good? I would go to it high as... But Jesus. If Disney had... Oh, come on, man. A rave would be fun

even if it was a Disney rave, it would be fun. I don't know. A Disney rave if you were super baked. One thing to note, though, is I don't think I was a huge fan of Tron growing up. I think I was a fan of the video game.

I don't think the movie was... I didn't know what the video game did. You didn't? I just liked the way it looked. Yeah. I'd go into the arcade, look at the game, and I'd go, and go cool yeah what the fuck does it do how do you play this game and that's kind of like the movie kind of was a trick back then it was like computers were mysterious and

weird and that's why i think everyone liked that movie but if you really try to watch that movie it sucks yeah i never wanted to see tron i'm not a sci-fi guy so i never wanted to see Tron. I'm not a sci-fi guy, so I never wanted to see Tron. Now or then. Dude, Altered States is one of the most influential movies on my life because of the fact that it got me into sensory deprivation tanks and I started tripping in those things. But I tried watching it a few years back. It's terrible.

I remember the commercial for that. It was the guy with the things on him. Yeah, well, he's... All his veins popping. Yeah, he was looking at the... What happened was he went to, like, Peru or South America or something. He takes this ayahuasca. He drinks it.

And then he gets in his isolation tank. And he starts tripping and having these fucking incredible experiences. And it starts turning him back into a caveman. Turning him back into some wild monkey man. And he winds up, you know, running around killing people. It looks so stupid. Oh my God, it's unbearably dumb. You just

forget. Or also you start realizing special effects and dumb. We're a lot smarter now back then. It's the total evidence of evolution, really. I mean, nobody wants to think about it that way,

but it shows there's an ethic. The ethic in the world is things become ever more complicated always. And if you look at old television shows or old music, that stuff is bunk. Old comedy, it doesn't work. Old comedy is broken. Go back and listen to some old comedy. Very rarely do you laugh You appreciate the craft

You appreciate well in this time period This is controversial material It was amazing what this guy sang And wow listen to them They're really enjoying it I get it but it's not going to get you Yeah that's why out of all the old old stand up Maybe like three albums

He'll stand up still Pryor still does but you know it doesn't like it did when i was a kid delirious still holds up real well does it yeah i watched it again recently and i was like fuck me this shit is still laugh out loud funny that was a powerful performance man yeah some of carlin's old stuff still makes me laugh some mckinnison's old stuff still makes me laugh too it's uh but that's only 80 years you go back i mean in 1980 rather go back like 1950 go back yeah that's stuff well mark's brothers makes me laugh still really does it yeah groucho still makes me laugh oh groucho was a brilliant guy man yeah his shit

said some funny shit when he used to do you bet your life it was a talk show a game show some guy you know had like 10 kids or something like that and he goes he goes whoa 10 kids and the guy goes yeah i love my wife he goes i love my cigar too but i take it out of my mouth every now and then he did always come up with those kind of lines bill maher actually kind of hacked that he did something about loving his bong but i take it out of my mouth every now and then when he was talking about the people who are the uh the family that have 19 kids the tribute yeah yeah tribute you would say that yeah you would say that it was a tribute you should i mean everybody knows that line that it was maybe it is a tribute but it's still like or maybe just someone wrote it for him but you know groucho marx was a a guy like that

was like to say that back then yeah he was he was sharp then. His sharpness still holds up. Yeah, that's like some 2010 stand-up shit. Just to say that Bill Maher said that, look, it works. It works now. There's not a lot of jokes that work now that would work back then.

I wonder how much business trench coat sales have gone down since the invention of the webcam. It's like, goddamn, these webcams are getting better and better. The real thrill, though, is to see... The real thrill isn't those... What is that called? Chat roulette. Chat roulette, where you just stand in front of a webcam hoping someone looks at your dick all right the real thrill is being right in front of them and pulling your

dick out like jerking off on them is it though is it that or you could do it to like a hundred people at once like man i'm doing a hundred like i'm really down to i'm doing science i'm doing theaters it's just more accurate this way. I guess that would work, but... I don't even have to run away. Right. I just have to take a sidestep. What level of perversity? That's right. He was here, and then he sidestepped.

Yeah, you don't have to do much. Just to get away, just pull your head out of the webcam. That's right. But then who do you throw your piss on? Or your cum on? Yeah, that's a problem. You just have like this big wall

of like a picture of a woman that you try to trick yourself. For a lot of dudes. You take a picture of your screen, put it on the wall. For a lot of dudes, that's like what they really like.

You take a picture of your screen. You take a screenshot. Take a screenshot, print it out whilst you're jerking off. And as you're about to come, you grab it. Fuckers.

That's hilarious. You have to print it. How much do you jizz? Enough for 100 people. Who was the guy that got busted? Oh, it was Christie Brinkley's husband. He was into beating up. Billy Joel?

No, no, no. The guy who took over Oh that guy There was more than one guy There was a few guys There was one guy Who was a guy that she got in a helicopter crash with Oh yeah that guy died right? They both survived

No they both survived But because of the fact they got through this thing then they had this like crazy romance that really didn't make any sense and then it wound up the guy was a loser

and she got rid of him but then there was another guy afterwards who was he was a crazy beat off guy and he would spend thousands every month

just fucking whacking off online just joined every fucking thing that you can join it was 25 a month and I just beat off on people. And they had video of this guy.

And there was an interview. It was a fucking fascinating interview where they were bringing up whether or not he had masturbated in front of a webcam. There have been allegations of you masturbating. And he was like, there's this one time. He admits to it? Yeah, but he tried to play it off that there's this one time. And it was a completely consensual thing. And it was not that he's just getting on webcams.

How could it be unconsensual? Don't you just have to look away? Well, it's unconsensual that you get the initial image in the first place. I mean, if you're just having a little iPhone chat with somebody, a little FaceTime, and they pull out their dick and start beating off, yeah, man, you should ask me first. That's fucking highly unconsensual. Not me.

I think just the shock alone is worth it. Like, whoa, Joe, why are you pulling out your dick, Joe? What are you getting so mad at? Is it worth it to you? You got one, too. That would be better. You know how uncomfortable that would be if Brian, I'm going to pull out my dick and start masturbating. That would be more uncomfortable than you just be like, hey, look, Brian.

I'm like, oh, come on. No, because you'd be like, please don't do that. Why are you doing that? Why? Dude, don't do it. No, don you'd be like, please don't. Don't do that. Why are you doing that? Why? Dude, don't do it. No, don't do it. Too much buildup, you know? That makes it worse.

Oh, come on. Don't come. Come on. I've had friends that have told me. Stop coming. Come off. You know, if you touch it, it focuses. I had a friend that told me a crazy story about his friend getting a hooker, and he stayed

in the room and beat off while his friend fucked the hooker. And I'm like, yo, I'm not willing to go that i'm like yo i'm not willing to go that far i am not willing to go that far you're gonna beat off in the room with your friend having sex no yeah what that's the same people that that didn't care in the locker rooms in high school they were just walking around with their dick everyone yeah and i didn't do that either i was hiding in the bathroom shower i don't think i started not caring until i was in my 20s you know yeah you're in my 20s. Yeah. You're in your 20s. You're like, you want to look at my dick, you fucking weirdo?

Go ahead. But when you're, you know. I did go to hedonism and get naked, though. Really? What? What's hedonism? Jamaica. I was in Jamaica.

Just went around naked. Yeah, there was the prude side and the nude side. And everybody was having way more fun on the nude side. Wow. And then they were like, come on over. And I go over in my towel. You got to make sure no one's got a fucking iPhone on them. Oh, no, this is, you know they're like, come on over. And I go, I go over in my towel. You gotta make sure no one's got a fucking

iPhone on them. Oh, no, this is, you know, like five, six years ago. Do they still do it now? Yeah. You're not allowed to have cameras there, though. Really?

But nowadays you can get fucking spy cams like crazy. Yeah, there's all sorts of shit. You can get hats that have video cameras on them. Yeah. It's pretty nutty what they can do now.

The glasses, remember Stan Hope? Stan Hope had that show he was doing for Fox it was a hidden camera show and he had glasses that were like a little camera on them

there's a button you can buy it looks like a button for a shirt I saw him on eBay I'm always checking up on the just recently

they got a small enough HD that goes into a button I saw yep thinking about getting a couple of those you never know when you're gonna need it

you never know just date the right girls pick up the right girls. Pick up the right button cameras. Hang your shirt the right way. Why are you wearing your shirt? I'm cold. What's that weird button?

Nothing. Why are all your buttons white and that one's black? Here's a question. That one's glass. It's the bigger button. I have a question for you gentlemen. When you have sex, do you guys make a lot of noises? Are you loud?

Yes. I make some noise. Really? If I can. I'm very quiet. You're a sad man. I don't know why, but now I'm being told that I need to be louder. How old are you, Brad?

36. You're being told now. Listen, man. Not now. I mean, like, within the last year or so. Lately, people have been telling me. Let me give you some very, very strong advice. Right.

Fake it and just be, yeah, fuck it. This is what you have to do. If a girl ever gets to a point where she's saying, you need to make some noise. Right. All right. This is what you need to saying, you need to make some noise. Right. All right. This is what you need to do. You need to make some noise. Right.

Because if you don't, she's going to find someone who makes noise. Right. Do you understand that? I know. But when I make, then I make the noise. You can't be shy about it. I know. But it's like, it's not me and my personality.

So when I go, you take that. It's like. I think that's a shyness. Because it took me a long time To come out of my shell With that stuff too So yeah Listen dude I tried choking myself

And masturbating everything No I know You gotta learn how to take the pussy Then how are you gonna Catch the cum when If you don't learn How to take the pussy There's girls that need that

They need you to take the pussy They need you to Fuck the shit out of them dude I get it They need you to talk to them They need you to grab them I need to fucking start Pull I get it They need you to talk to them They need you to grab them I need to fucking start pinching myself Pull their hair, choke them a little

You gotta start doing squats Deadlifts And squats And eat a lot of buffalo If you can get some bison in you Maybe some ostrich Some meaty red shit Maybe elk

If you can find elk steaks So I should go to Fuddruckers first You should kill a deer with your fucking hands Is what you need to do You need to go on one of those Indian vision quests where you go running down a deer until it dies of exhaustion and then you eat its heart while it's still beating. And then you go back and fuck the shit out of it with the blood all over your chest.

But not until you finish fucking the deer. Yeah, fuck the deer first just for a warm-up, just to get your kinks worked out of your dick, and then you go back home. No sense in going in cold. How do you make noises when you're making love i can understand kick open the fucking door there's snow in the background you're making throw the dead animal on the ground and you howl through a conch shell yeah that's what you do do you step in and you fucking take care of business so that so but when you do that that kills the making love aspect you're fucking

here's the deal just only fuck here's the deal buddy here's the deal fucking the last thing you would ever want right is a girl who is like like acting like a dude and talking shit to you and you know and being all manly with you and you know you don't want to be aggressive with you or getting weird with you right that would be gross right well with some girls some girls are very girly they're very sexual they're very right and with those girls they want a lot of man they want a lot of shit happening they don't want you to just be like whimpering on top of them and shooting loads oh yeah they don't want you cuddling up they don't want you and twitching every now and then you got to give them what their dna means they need to cut

fucked you don't want to lean in go did that i'm sorry did that hurt yeah just when they when it hurts they'll tell you after it's done you can apologize exactly sorry about calling you a whore i was in the moment now is it normal also that girls always say that they must be like starting their period again but you think it's because you ripped them? What's going on on your dick? It's like every time I have sex with a girl, they're like, oh my god, it started again. But I think I'm ripping them. What? What are you, huge? I didn't think so.

How many girls has this happened to? They're always saying that it hurts them. I'm going too deep and it's hurting them. But I've never had a problem with it. Why don't you measure your dick? Do you have some crazy dick? Tell the truth. How big is your dick? Not that big. Like six, seven inches. That's terrible. Right. That's a sad

dick. I got a sad dick. But it's girthy. I think normal is like six inches, right? Isn't that normal? What is that? I don't know. I want to look and think that might be your dick. It's making me uncomfortable. I don't even want to look at your fingers right now. I just see a dick for some reason. Get your finger dicks away from me.

Well, maybe you're just lucky and you dated a bunch of shallow vagina girls. That's what I'm thinking. I think I have low-goal. That's just shallow vagina girls. Now, here's another question. Short snatch. Have you ever had sex in the shower

and does it make you dizzy and want to pass out for any reason? No, but that always makes me... The other day... You pass out in the shower while you're fucking? Two months ago, I'm having sex. And I'm like, like, like within like a minute, I'm like, all right, I'm getting lightheaded. And I had to go lay down.

I had to go lay down on the bathroom floor. And then the substitute dick walked in. And was this after she had told you she wanted you to talk dirty? No, this is somebody else. This is an Asian black girl. But within a minute, that happens. But if it was outside of the shower, no problem at all, as long as you want. But immediately, when I'm in the shower, it's like, what is that about?

Take it back to the same story. You need to kill an elk with a bowie knife. You need to jump on his fucking back and hold on to his horns and cut his throat as you get your guard wrapped around his neck and trips to the ground as he runs out of blood. That's what you need to do. You need to fucking kill something, son. And when you get him from behind, stretch the body so you can get a better chokehold. Your DNA is getting watered down by technology and the universe. You need to take a log and run up a hill with it, okay?

You're losing your fucking cells. They're going away. They're fading. Is it normal for them to put the phone next to the pill and have their parents listen to you have sex? On a wedding night. Just kidding. I forgot to get coconut water.

What are you talking about? You just had one. I know. I'm thirsty still. Get another one, you freak. I'm thirsty still. Oh, okay. We'll get another one, you freak. I'm going to cut him off. No more marijuana. No more coconut water. I don't think marijuana is the problem. I'm just getting nuts.

You're getting coconut. Coconut water is delicious. The marijuana gets them crazy. We got to get you on some elk's blood. That's what you're going to do. You're going to start drinking elk's blood. Just a couple days a week a small glass of elk blood Yeah, no edamame

That's your mommy's that edamame shit makes you grow tits Makes you estrogen. Yeah soy Especially that genetic genetically modified soy that shit will fuck you eight ways to Sunday who knows what's going on with that So I decide also I don't know I'm talking out of my ass. I know nothing about That shit will fuck you eight ways to Sunday. Who knows what's going on with that? Soy does that also? I don't know. I'm talking out of my ass. I know nothing about vegetable growth. Vegetable growth.

Your agriculture knowledge is disappointing, Joe. It sucks, bro. It sucks. I don't even know what a silo is for. I think they keep grain in it. Yes, they keep grain. And if you ever hear about people dying in silos, they fall off and they just drown by going right down the middle of the silos.

Yeah, grain drown. Yeah, grain drown. Can you imagine that? Oh, shit. I fucking love corn so much. Oh, my God. How do they get you out? I don't know.

I guess they start from the bottom. You can't swim, right? Not until somebody has a lot of starch in their diet. You can't swim either, right? Right. You're just fucking corn everywhere. Oh, my God. That must be horrifying.

I was always fearful of those ball things that you throw kids in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's one thing that my two-year-old has this gymnastics class she goes to, and there's a pit they jump into, and it's all filled with these little spongy foam things. And I jumped into it, and I'm like, I don't like this at all. Like, this feels like you can't get out of here. It might be fun if you're 25 pounds

if you're a two-year-old, but when you're a grown man and you fall on all these balls, this is stupid. Why would anybody think this is fun? And they're dirty. Dirty motherfuckers. I do miss Laser Tag though. You guys ever play Laser Tag? I played it once. It was pretty dope.

That shit's the bomb. They need to bring that back yeah well they stopped it yeah well i don't know there's a place there's a place out here man fog and everything there's a place yeah it's it's not out here it's about 45 minutes away north but uh i'll take you we can go someday yeah you and me and ari and joey can watch on the sidelines and then we'll wait in line for a cabbage patch maybe joey will join in too man What the fuck are you asking me You have a laser tag don't you know what my real name is What if he was like a laser tag champion

That's a pretty good Joey Diaz for you bro You know my wife's last name is Diaz Really What if you're related I wonder if you're related to Joey Diaz Holy shit But you could also be related to Nick Diaz If you had to choose between being related to Nick Diaz and being related to Joey Diaz,

who would you choose? I would go Nate Diaz. You would go Nate instead of Nick. But Nate and Nick are the same lineage, the same brothers. I thought we were brothers. What the fuck, cocksucker? Stop doing my voice shitty. He's Puerto Rican, right, Joey?

Joey is Cuban. Oh, he's Cuban. Is your wife Puerto Rican? No, she's Ecuadorian. Oh, damn. And Honduran. You went to the jungle. You got yourself a jungle, bitch. I got myself's Cuban. Is your wife Puerto Rican? No, she's Ecuadorian. Oh, damn. She went to the jungle. You got yourself a jungle, bitch. I got myself an ass.

An Inca. I watched this crazy fucking... What was that? I don't like those ancient, ancient alien shows. You know, you ever watch those? A lot of them are kind of hokey. But I watched one last night

that was dope. Which one? It was all about unexplained structures. Yeah, about the masons and the Illuminati and everything and the seven.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it wasn't about that. It was about structures like in Peru, these gigantic stone walls that they built. These are like hundred ton stones

and they were carved into place so they fit like a puzzle and they fit perfectly and they fit to the point where you can't even get a piece of paper in between the rocks and they have no idea how they did this how they quarried them how they moved them thousands and thousands of years ago these just massive walls i've been watching a lot of that shit lately incredible shit man big alien shit

it out joe well that's what these guys are. Everyone's always claiming it's aliens. The lizard aliens, right? The reptilian aliens. It's really silly thinking, but it's sexy thinking. People love the idea of everything being aliens, man. There was aliens. Aliens did this. Don't you see?

But we're aliens. If you look at the regular primates and you look at us, we are fucking aliens. We know that we come up with crazy shit now isn't it a much more likely scenario that we have been us we have been this thing for a long ass time and that we have been this thing for maybe hundreds of thousands of years and that we've been wiped out a few times that's much more likely we had to have been yeah much much more like there's no way that we were around for this long and then all of a sudden in a hundred years made

fucking strides out of nowhere. Yeah, but there's so much evidence that things get wiped out all the time on Earth. We know that there was at least two mass extinctions. One 250 million years ago. One 65 million years ago where everything's dead. Except like a couple of, you know,

some bugs and some rats and shit and they figure out how to become everything there is now if you believe in all that it's gotta have happened in smaller ways and just fucked up everyone it must have happened the shit that killed off the dinosaurs it doesn't mean that it just kills everybody

it doesn't mean that the mass extinctions that's the only way they happen it also could mean they killed almost everybody and they weren't as bad as the dinosaur one, but a lot of people fucking died, and they left behind a lot of crazy shit that they had already accomplished, and then everybody else basically started with scratch. We started with whatever knowledge we had been passed on to by our forefathers, whatever was in our head, that's what we got, and then we'd figure out how to rebuild houses

and hunt for food and we go through the whole thing all over again. That's more likely. Where are you with 2012? I'm about a year and a half away. Come on, buddy. You fucking left yourself dead for that. Not even a year and a half. Two years.

Well, December 21st, yeah. I heard they miscalculated the date, though. That lot of they don't know the speculation is one scar i heard it was like it's a hundred years off wow i've heard it's more safe then i've heard it's not there's a lot of problems with um interpreting what the mayans said and what they really meant you know what a mayan um mayan alphabet the way it works is each um image uh depicts a sound or a word and like a word you know like like the way like things were like they would show you like uh like this i heard someone describe it this way um it would say uh i saw aunt rose would be an eyeball a saw saw, an ant, and a rose. And that's how you would say I saw Aunt Rose.

You'd have to say it like that. That's another language. I think McKenna said that or explained it that way. And so when they try to decipher a lot of the old Mayan shit, it's really tricky. I watched this documentary on breaking the Mayan code. Their language was so different than ours. Like so alien.

It's so hard to say like in English what these guys wrote down in these images and drawings. It's like, man, there's a lot of like filling in the blanks and guesswork. And just in the translation, you know, just trying to translate it. It's like you might be getting the same feeling out of what they're saying, but might not. So there's so much speculation. What does it mean? What is the end of the count? What is this and that?

What a lot of people believe is all it is is there's a procession of the equinoxes. And it's a 26,000-something year cycle. And what it is is that the Earth wobbles on its axis. It doesn't spin perfectly. And it completes this wobble every 26,000 years or something like that. I think it's that much, isn't it? Whatever the number is. But that this is what it was all based on.

And these are the cycles based on. But it doesn't necessarily mean that anything happens. I mean, just because they wrote it down and made a cycle and a calendar and there's counts in the calendar and this is the end of the long count, December 21st, 2012, even if that is the day,

it doesn't mean that anything happens. You know? There's all these people like, there's going to be a great awakening and we are all going to come join in one consciousness

and experience Mother Gaia. She will speak to us again as she has not in thousands of years since the Mayans Last saw her Society And our lights

And our electricity And our Prescription medicine Has ruined our connection To the great mother Maybe Or maybe you're a crazy cunt And you believe in palm reading

And you just need your life To be more interesting Than being some fat Fucking cheese doodle eating weirdo that's sitting at home watching ancient aliens on TV. Maybe that's not the answer. Maybe 2012, nothing happens.

Most likely. But maybe it's some sort of a technological thing. Maybe it's nothing. Maybe it is the singularity. I mean, seriously, what are the odds? 100? What's that other planet they say that's going to hit us You can't Brian but you can't say That we aren't on a very clear path

Yeah but do you really think that this day is going to happen And then like everything is going to Something crazy is going to happen for real Look if something crazy happens And if it happens a decade from now Or if it happens tomorrow What's going to happen is going to be so Fucking nuts you are going to happen is going to be so fucking

nuts, you are going to completely be over the fact that someone called the day, that he nailed it, December 21st. He was right. What are the odds? You're not going to care what the odds were, because what's going to happen is going to be so fucking world-blowing. What's going to happen is something like a time machine or a portal to another dimension or some sort of experience, interdimensional experiences that people will be able to go through or wormholes or something fucking completely crazy that we can't even wrap our heads around now because it's beyond our comprehension. That's what's going to happen.

And when that does happen, you're not going to give a fuck if it was in December or July. I was there. They're going to say, look, man, we've connected all time together in one grouping. You can dive in, but you can't dive out. Who's with me? If you go in, you have to realize that your identity dissolves. You no longer exist and you become one of the great mind. Do you do it or do you not do it?

I called the day. I knew it was going to be July 13th. Look, I wrote it down. No one's going to give a fuck if you wrote it down, you not do it i called the day i knew it was gonna be july 13th look i wrote it down no one's gonna give a fuck if you wrote it down you dumb cunt are you in or you're not in yeah but that's simple so you're thinking that that's going to happen in your lifetime though something crazy is big at that absolutely absolutely the singularity will happen within our lifetime it's inevitable unless some sort of a natural disaster occurs before that if something occurs before then and knocks us back to... Who knows, man?

Maybe that's the Earth's inoculation system. Maybe the Earth is like, listen, bitch, we're not ready for you to make the black hole machine yet. So the Earth fucking sends an asteroid our way. Boom! I mean, maybe we don't think of the sky being a natural system,

but maybe it is a natural system. Maybe just like bacteria is here to kill off the old people, you know, and strong colds. And what are those there for? What is that battle with these invisible forces that kill our loved ones? What is that about? Well, that's a system, man.

That's a whole system in place. I mean, you can call it, you know, you could call it bacteria. You can call it germs. You can call it, there's a system. Okay. The system is when you get weak, someone gets you. Okay. And it might be the flu. It might be leukemia, whatever the fuck it might be. There's some system. Okay. The system is when you get weak, someone gets you. Okay. And it might be the flu.

It might be leukemia, whatever the fuck it might be. There's some crazy biological system. Well, that might exist in the solar system as well. The dinosaurs might have just got too fucking crazy. It might have just been too nuts. And the whole geological system was so fucking off balance. Like no one's ever going to invent anything. Okay.

Here's why. Every time you go outside, a 90 foot lizard eats your asshole. Okay. No one is ever going to invent anything. Okay, here's why. Every time you go outside, a 90-foot lizard eats your asshole. Okay? No one is going to ever invent shit. We've got to kill these motherfuckers. And progress comes to a screeching halt because there's these super predators. I mean, they are the epitome of super predator. Look at the T-Rex.

Giant, fucking, thick-skinned lizard monster with huge teeth that eats all day. Nothing ever gets done like that. So you've got to come with a giant 500-mile-wide chunk of iron from space going 45,000 miles an hour, slamming into the crust, and just fucking everything up. Just fucks the whole party, man. And when that happens, then everything gets to start again maybe we're just gonna get to some point yeah maybe we're gonna get to some point where

we're just so retarded and out of control and overpopulated that we're piled on top of each other and then maybe the universe reboots us i think people in the 1920s thought the same thing probably though yeah but they were right They were just wrong by the day. The difference between 1920 and 2010 in your life is a long time. In the life of the universe, it ain't shit, okay? They recognize an ethic, and they saw it in advance. That's what it is. They just were wrong about the date.

When they thought the apocalypse was coming 10,000 years ago, they were right, okay? They were just off by 10,000 years. And 10,000 years ago, they were right, okay? They were just off by 10,000 years, and 10,000 years isn't shit, but everybody who's paying attention, if you look at the direction that human beings are going, we all recognize it's going to some crazy point that's not a fucking bright future. There's no way. There's no way. If population keeps increasing and increasing and increasing, and we keep polluting and polluting and fighting. And Iran gets nuclear weapons. We got issues. Some shit's going to go down.

It's inevitable. And everybody recognized that back in the biblical days. They recognized that 500 years ago. They recognized that in the 1920s. And they were right. They were right. It's just that's the way it's moving. It just takes time.

So that's what all this 2012 shit is. Whether it's 2012 or when Jesus comes back, I got these fucking videos that are awesome. Okay? They are all, it's Kirk Cameron series. They're VHS. I gotta buy them on VHS, man. That's how awesome they are. And it's, I forget what they're fucking called.

He's like a crazy Christian now, right? Beyond. He believes the rapture that is going to happen. When Jesus is going to come back, all the beautiful people that love Jesus are going to disappear, and they're going to leave us stranded in hell. The hell of earth. God is going to come and

take away. He believes basically that God is like an alien who's going to take all his brothers back to the mothership. He's fucked. How nutty is that concept? And people say, no, it's not an alien, man brothers back to the mothership. He's fucked. How nutty is that concept? And people say, no, it's not an alien, man. It's the rapture.

He's going to take us to heaven. We're going to live forever with love. It's not like aliens. You're going to heaven. You're going to space. You're leaving this planet. You're going to disappear. We're not going to...

No. God is going to remove us from... No. Dude, you might as well be beaming aboard. Okay? You're using magic and you're going to go to some special place. And you don't think that's nuts? These videos are awesome. They're awesome.

And he really sells them in the videos? Oh, yeah, man. These people believe in this, man. It's a window into madness. And it's all based... There's a whole book series that's written by these two dudes that write these apocalyptic rapture books. And they sell like crazy.

God, I'm going to have to Google this now because I don't remember the name of this guy. And it's kind of important. Because the whole idea is pretty fucking interesting. What's your religion, man? Are you religious? I'm not a religious guy. Left Behind. That's what it's about. These are the books you religion i'm not a religious left behind that's what it's about these are the books i was raised catholic though where i was too that's good enough right

catholic like inoculates you because it's so silly you know it's so ridiculous yeah and everybody's fucking everybody and hitting everybody and shit you know you don't really it's just such a ridiculous like when i look at it now i'm like really you want me to believe some of this shit any of this shit really yeah it's like it's so ridiculous and who wrote this book yeah the left behind series you got to check it out they may i think they made two videos i'm pretty sure i have both of them if i don't i'm gonna buy them if they come out with new ones i'm buying them too blu-ray they're awesome blu-ray 3d unintentional kirk cameron on blu-ray 3d yeah kirk cameron's curly hair will come so if you if you were raised catholic you know i have all this indian art around my house and you you were very aware of

what all this shit is and you were very aware of you know what the names for him and everything like that how do you know all that stuff still my parents are from india right so you just know things you go when you go visit family and stuff, you would see, not in their houses, but like you would see it around India. And I'd ask, what is that? What is that? India is a pretty fascinating fucking country. When you think about the history of all these weird fucking really thoughtful things have come out of India. You know, just the history of yoga, you know, and the yogis and the sadhus and, you know, all those dudes sitting around

smoking chillums and trying to figure out the universe and, you know, the Mahatma Gita or Mahatma Paratha and, you know, what is the fucking, there was another one,

another ancient text that's really fascinating. I used to eat my hot parathas. What are those? Like little breads. They're breads? Little parathas. My mom would make them.

When was the first time you saw a chicken that wasn't red? Huh? A chicken that wasn't red? Red chicken. Red chicken. Indian chicken? Yeah. Oh, tandoori chicken.

Red chicken. The Bhagavad Gita, right? That's what it's called? The Hindu book? The ancient Hindu book. Yeah, but I was... That's what Oppenheimer quoted after he fucking blew up the atomic bomb. That's a very nice one.

Pretty fucking wild. Did you guys see... That was never a religion, though, you know? It was just a way of life. Really? Yeah, and then somebody wrote it down and it became a religion. So it's almost like if somebody said... wrote down the rules to yoga and then people started following it like a religion. Well, they do, right?

Look, I know people that are yoga people. You know, they classify themselves as yoga people. They might as well be in a cult. I mean, they really might as well be. I mean, it's very beneficial and it's helping them a lot. It certainly helps. Like, they all have great energy and they're all, like, really friendly people. But it might as well be a cult.

You know? Yeah. It's, like, sort of the same sort of thing. They start talking. There's this one chick. Are you fucking ringing your phone again, dude? No. It's sort of the same sort of thing. They start talking, and there's this one chick. Are you fucking ringing your phone again, dude? No. What's wrong with you?

What was that? Doesn't it sound like a song? Huh? Isn't that any religion, though? The minute it gets written down, it becomes a religion. I guess. But the yoga thing is a fascinating thing, because what it really is is some sort of a body maintenance thing.

They figured out how to maintain your body and maintain, like, your health and maintain, like, a certain sense of clarity. And a lot of that shit came out of India, man. A lot of that shit, you know, came out of the, you know, like a lot of the ancient India way of life, like with the sadhus and with these yogis. And I always wonder, like, why this one area? You you know if you look at all these different areas of europe all these different

areas like india especially has a lot of like really trippy shit that came from india like all your artwork the the indian artwork not your artwork all your people you know your people the canadian artwork is all so fascinating man it's all really trippy like you know shivas with you know they're fucking six arms and shit and like it's all really really bizarre like psychedelic heady stuff what's that about it's a it's a very state of mind country yeah when you go there i talk about it funny enough in my act, but... Do you want another coconut water? Do you want another coconut water? No, I'm good, thanks. Did you happen to see that Yogi Bear parody

where Yogi kills Boo Boo? No. Did you see that, Joe? Talk about non-sequiturs, you motherfucker. We're talking about India. Well, Trippy, India. We were talking about yoga and this is Yogi. No, that is not what we're talking about, dude. We're not talking about Yogi Bear killing we're talking about I just brought that up because no one was saying anything

Oh I see You saved us I had nothing to say about India Why don't you try yoga Brian Maybe that'll bring you up It's fucking hard dude I've done it a few times it's great Especially if you're single it's the best place ever to

Go to meet girls and see their buttholes and stuff see their buttholes just see them move around they're barely wearing anything especially you get the hot sweaty one they're like i'm listening it's it's just amazing it's just naked chicks pretty much and it's naked chicks that are looking out for their health yeah right so they're healthy naked broads yeah yeah especially if they eat like good stuff eat good food you know their pussy smells good right

it's very important you know what some chick is eating hot dogs all the time with that stinky ass beer pussy totally

but too much vegetables make her farts stink so yeah really yeah more than meat I don't know

I find vegetarians vegetarians have the worst farts ever really oh my god oh man I guess you think about it

when vegetables rot? That shit is terrible. Yeah, but meat rotting smells worse. It's gotta smell worse, man. You know what's really gross? It's not a meat rot. I challenge... I was challenged by, I was defined in my head by thickness. You've never smelled my friend Tate Fletcher's farts. I'm kind of grateful.

You should really do that sometime. Yeah, you don't even know what you're talking about, son. You think you do. You think you know what smell smelly fart's like. When you get one of these UFC motherfuckers farts on you. Protein farts. These dudes who are digging tubs of synth-6 all day. You stay maintained at about 239 pounds of muscle. And they fart and just clear out buildings.

Yeah. Our friend Tate. I always find the better the shape the person's in, the worse their farts are. Really? It's because of protein, man. They're eating a lot of protein. That shit cakes up inside you and forms pockets and just stews and then finally comes out in a gaseous form. I've been having some pretty bad ones lately.

Really? I don't know why. And I keep reviewing my diet in my head and going, what the fuck is causing this dead animal in my body to come out? I love Indian food, man. And if you eat Indian food, you know, there's a place down the street from me. You know the reason why, you know, your

farts smell that way. Like, when you smell Indian food, when Indian food farts are very specific, dude. They're very exotic. They're very normal to me. See, for me, in our house, it would be like, somebody would fart and it would smell my dad like who ate macaroni and cheese somebody's been eating shit in this house in fifth grade what is that a hamburger in fifth grade our teachers actually had to pull the whole class aside because our

one indian guy named omar bersher they had they i guess everyone made fun of his farts because they smelled different than ours and so they had to like explain to our class when he was out in the hallway that do not make fun of him. He has a special diet. That's hilarious. I remember that clear as day. Poor Omar if you're out there. Religious special diets are the nuttiest shit. I have a buddy of mine who's from Turkey.

He was a fighter. He was a Taekwondo fighter. On Ramadan, you're not allowed to, I don't know exactly what the law is. You fast until sundown. I don't even think you're allowed to drink water, right? Nothing. Yeah, I don't even think you can do shit.

And so, you know, he would still compete even though he had to do this, you know, but it would just wreck him physically. He was just useless, you know. Wasn't there a basketball player that did that as well? There was like a famous basketball player. Akeemuan i believe it was was it him i don't remember what it was because i'm not really a basketball fan but it was one shut up man there was one famous basketball player who used to do this he used to do the ramadan thing and he couldn't eat then he would go play basketball and suck you know like whenever the fucking you know people

get pissed off and ramadan would come. I don't remember who it was. But it's weird when people stick so fucking rigidly to like weird little rules like that about eating. You know? Yeah, I don't get that. That's a luxury of people that have too much food. If that's what you're coming up with, you should be just eating to stay healthy. All right? Stop.

Stop with the, you know, if you're going to fucking love God, go love God. You don't have to love God with your food, you fucking freak. You don't have to deny yourself a food when you have it. Jesus Christ, who put the food there? If you believe in God, don't you think he put the food in your life? He wants you to eat it, you fuck. He doesn't want you just starving yourself all day for his love. He made the whole universe.

You think he's impressed with you starving yourself all day? Dear God, I did not eat that pig today. It gave me the eye. I'm addicted to crockpots right now. Really? Tell me more. It's so nice. You just throw a chicken in there, put some lemons in there, wait six hours later.

You have like a real hardcore meal, you know? Hardcore. The old chicken and lemon in a crockpot meal? Yeah, the old sound. Throw some steak. Delightful. Throw some steak and some vegetables in there. Man, chicken and lemon in a crock pot. Yeah, the old sounds delightful. Throw some steak and some vegetables in there. Man, that's the difference

between you and I right there in a nutshell. I like cooking over fire when it's cold outside. I like that too. Outside.

And I like real wood. But what are you talking about? It's been 83 here. It's been 83 here in LA. Well, it's been 40. I used to like doing it in Colorado, but I did it with a gun I used to like doing it in Colorado

But I did it with a gun in my pocket When I lived in Colorado Because I was cooking meat outside With fucking wild animals I lived in the woods dude I know I remember when you left I lived there for a few months If it wasn't for the wife I'd still be out there

I remember you listened to our one podcast And we were talking about third base Remember he was texting Ari at the time? Yeah, that's right. What was the issue that came up? I can't remember. You guys were looking for the name of... Base.

The lead singer. Yeah, who was the guy? MC Search. MC Search. Prime Minister Pete Nice. Yes, Prime Minister Pete Nice and MC Search. And Richie Rich, I believe, was their DJ. Yeah, those guys were good, dude.

What happened to them? How come they disbanded? Serge started some clothing company and... But why did he stop rapping? I don't know. You can't rap forever. Why can't you? Why not? If you do stand-up? There's only so many rhymes. You can do stand-up forever. You can't be too successful and just keep

rapping. Why not? I don't know. Why can't you? It's a young man's sport, this rapping. Why not? I don't know. Why can't you? I don't know. It's a young man's sport, this rapping. It's almost like a sport.

Really? Yeah. Why is it? It's because the young men are, we appreciate a certain amount of swagger and cockiness

and confidence in young men, but when we see it in old men, it's just stupid. Especially men that aren't too old yet. Yeah, well, we'll accept it again

once you hit 90. Yeah, it's like watching old fighters. You're't too old yet. We'll accept it again once you hit 90. It's like watching old fighters. You're like, man, I remember when you were good. You slow down. Your reflexes aren't the same. What was that, Brian? Third base. That's one of the weirdest things ever is watching a fighter deteriorate.

It's a very, very strange thing. God damn it! Jeff. Motherfuckers. Is it him? Yes, it is. I'm doing a thing. God damn it! Jeff. Motherfuckers. Is it him? Yes, it is. I'm doing a podcast. I'll call you back. Pop goes away, isn't it?

Yeah, that was a good one. That was... See, this is one of the first hater songs. They were upset at Vanilla Ice getting paid. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Turn this up. Turn this up. That's right. for turn this up turn this up that's right he's dressed

up as vanilla ice phony entertainers like what they're doing is valid but what vanilla ice is doing was not it's 91 so something's got to change 19 years ago. You know, my mom met Milli Vanilli one week before they got caught in an elevator. They shared an elevator. Listen to this. Do you know Angelo Sarukas? No. Who's that?

Friend of mine. Comedian. Him and Joey always end up going out for the same roles because they're the same size. Right. So Angelo was flying to South Africa. Whoa. And he gets on the plane and this guy sits beside him up in business class there. And the guy looks at him and goes, hey man, I recognize you. You're a comedian, right?

And he goes, oh yeah, hey. And then he looks at me and he goes, holy fuck, it's K-Fed, right? He's like, that's cool. Kevin Federline, the guy who used to be married to Britney Spears. Yeah, so he's like, oh, they're talking the whole flight. And he's like, what are you going here for? I'm shooting a commercial for something. Because, yeah, I'm doing a show.

You should come to my show and blah, blah, blah. All right, Kev. All right. K-Fed was doing a commercial? Well, that's the story here. So they invite him to the show, and he shows up to the show, and he's backstage with all his friends. And he's like, hey, guys, this is KFED.

And he goes, just call me Rob. He's like, all right, it's KFED. And then Ahmed Ahmed was with him, and Ahmed Ahmed pulls him aside and goes, hey, that's not KFED. That's Vanilla Ice. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. goes hey that's not k-fed that's vanilla ice oh my god wow you know what son of a bitch it's like that's how to be painful for vanilla ice because then he realizes that he's in that category right of talent was due to our famous who you make fun of

but they're right here so you don't make fun of, but they're right here so you don't make fun of them. But have a slight possibility to sleep with Britney Spears, though. Well, he definitely did that, you know. He's in the right category for that. But still, Vanilla Ice was like a legit superstar performer for a short period of time. He had a few big hits. He's got the Do It Yourself show now.

Do you remember what Vanilla Ice does? He has a renovation show on the HGTV. Really? Wow, that's hilarious. Do you remember when Vanilla Ice boxed Todd Bridges? Who did he box? Todd Bridges. Todd Bridges beat the fuck out of Vanilla Ice.

Of course. Of course, sort of, but still. Todd Bridges is black. The fact that... The other guy's trying to be black. Now he's doing something. It's always any guy that's trying to be black Now he's doing something It's always Any guy that's trying to be black Versus a real black

Black's always going to win A real black That's hilarious Dude There is some logic and science To what you just said Yes Of course

A guy who's trying to be black Talking to a guy who's black Frightening It's so true It's so true. It's so true. There's no way he could win. Never.

He should have known going into that contest. Stop collaborating this thing. Maybe he thought that Todd Bridges was a fake black because he was a child celebrity.

And he was on different strokes raised by a white. But he was only raised by a white on TV. Inoculated from that all that Hollywood shit.

Crack cleaned him out of that. Crack cleaned that out and brought him back to his ghetto. Back to his inner ghetto. Todd had Dana on his side, too. Not white, either. Poor Dana. Played out. That's a disturbed show, man.

When you look at all the things that happened to those people on that show, you gotta go, whoa, what the fuck? Tom Bridges, Gary Coleman, and Dana Plato, all fucked up. Huge celebrities, on TV, everybody's happy.

Now he's doing ICDC commercials. What does that mean? Is it ICDC? The college, The college? Community college? We had him on Fear Factor. He was a very angry guy, man. There's some dudes

where you're hanging out with them and you're talking to them or whatever and you go, oh, okay, I can tell you in 10 minutes 90% of what's wrong with your life.

It's the way you're fucking acting, man. He was like a spoiled child. Like when he lost and he got eliminated from the show, he goes, oh, I see what's up. I see what's up. You guys don't want me to win. Like he was like a child.

And he was like a man in his 30s. You're like, no, Todd. I went to shake his hand. You wouldn't eat the cockroaches. I went to shake his hand. Yeah, exactly. He wouldn't shake hands with me. And I'm like, okay, good, good.

I'm glad. I'm glad. Get out of here. Who was that one episode where the guy wanted to, where you had to slap down a guy? Oh, yeah. There was a couple. There was a couple, and they fought with each other all the time, screamed and yelled at each other.

One time on a show, he had thrown her to the ground on one of the shows, another reality show they were on. So we had been told that this guy was, like, violent and he could be dangerous. And so we did the show and the the girl uh had been taunted the whole time the show was going on it was the guy the guy's name was um jonathan and i forget what his wife victoria was his wife and there was another kid the dude who got fucked up by danny bonaduce once he was on survivor johnny fuck i can't remember his name anyway johnny anyway what happens was this kid is an awesome shit talker and while they were off there doing their stunts he was like screaming at

them jonathan you can do better she's dead weight she's dead weight man and she's holding you back and it was really funny man because they were frustrated and yelling and screaming at each other and he was like dumper and she was like you shut the fuck up and he's like you see this man this is bad energy dude you don't need this and so he's like totally torturing them while they're don't going through their stunt and they're fucking up and they can't find their flashlight it's a disaster right so when they come back after they got eliminated the girl walks up to this johnny kid johnny fucking forget his name and punches him she just straight up hits him and i go whoa whoa what the fuck you can't assault people johnny fair play thank you that's him and i'm like just because you you fucking hit your

husband doesn't mean you can hit other people and then the husband goes hey hey hey and he gets my face and all i could think to say was no hey hey hey he says hey hey hey so i said all i could think of was this guy's gonna hit me like for sure he was a total loose cannon and he was screaming and yelling at his wife just seconds ago and now he's like in my face and i'm like this guy easily could hit me so i shoved him away from me i said get the fuck out of my face don't touch me don't come close to me. And then he came back again. And he goes, touch me again. And then I just pushed him again. And then I grabbed his head.

Then I grabbed the back of his head and I just held on to him. I was like, if he hits me, I'm going to knee his fucking brain into another part of the universe. But I'm not going to do anything until he tries to hit me. So I just held on to him.

But I was convinced that he was going to hit me. It was like you just go straight. You held him down this way? I just grabbed the back of his head. I got him in a tie clinch. I just grabbed the back of his head. It was right there. I just grabbed it.

I wasn't going to choke him. I thought about choking him. But I'm like, if I choke him, then I've done something to him. Right now I'm just holding on to him. So I just grabbed a hold of his head. And I just handled him until they pulled us apart. But nothing ever happened but it was uh it's it's weird when there's someone that's that dangerous someone's that that has that little

control over their their physicality and their emotions those are usually the guys that have never been punched in their face usually yes usually yeah guys that always run off at the lips never been punched in the mouth oh usually he completely panicked once i grabbed him he went like a child he didn't know what to do he didn't know to hit me or push me away so he didn't do anything he kind of just flailed his arms and this weird like panicky moving thing you know most people are not used to conflict like physical conflict when you do jiu-jitsu you know you're used to physical conflict all the time it's like a normal thing like it's it's not doesn't seem unnatural. But for a lot of people, they'll fucking hyperventilate.

I've seen people in street fights just straight hyperventilate, freak out, not know what to do, not know how to handle themselves. It's not cool. It's not good to be around fucking crazy, creepy people. But if you're going to be around crazy, creepy people, it's way better if you know how to fight. The last thing you want is them knowing how to fight

and they're crazy and creepy and you're the lost fuck in this fucking drowning in this ocean of panic what are you doing

reading texts I'm reading these whilst you're talking it's a one sided conversation I'm listening and I'm reading these maybe we should end this maybe our time has come

this is what I did it's what happens every show comes to an end eventually after a while Brian what are we going to

keep talking about I saw Carlos Newton at the fight when I was there did you I trained with him a couple of times did you really

how long have you done Jiu Jitsu I just used to roll around with there's a comedian named Ron Jostle out of Canada oh yeah

back in 97 I used to box I stopped boxing in 94 but he wanted to learn how to strike in 97 and he was doing jujitsu and i was like you'll never get past a boxer oh that's fun and in seconds i was screaming like a bitch because he had me in an arm bar and so then you learned it yeah i trained with him for a little bit that's cool do you do anything now no that's why i was asking because I want to go somewhere and do something. Where do you spend the majority of your time?

On the road, but I'm going to be here now for a while. Okay. With the new developments? Yeah. Well, you don't want to tell me where you live on the air. These fucking people are creepy, man. Los Angeles. That's very specific. They want to know where you are. Where are you, Russell?

I need to talk to you. How many people do you have giving you scripts and shit? Don't you have a TV show coming out? I have a deal with NBC, but we're waiting on that script. I don't get any scripts, no. You don't get any scripts? What do you mean? I mean, the agency sends them to me, but it's not like, here, they want you for this film.

It's like, see if you like anything in here, and then I'll try and get you an audition. I'm like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm not going to start fucking reading things just for the sake of you. Well, I think that with your popularity as a comedian, doing a sitcom would be a natural thing. Yeah. They would just get somebody really good and write something for you. Totally.

What the fuck is wrong with them? Get Dane Cook to write it or something. Shut up, Brian. What the fuck is wrong with you, Brian? How about a news radio type of thing? That's a good show. My brother has every season on DVD. It's hard to do one of those, though.

The most important thing is you have to have a powerful writer and a powerful producer. The guy's got to be good. You have to be good with good sensibilities. There's just not a lot of them. There's a lot of them are hands. And you had a lot of good people on you. Yeah, yeah. You can get good lot of them. There's a lot of them are hacks. And you had a lot of good people on you. Yeah, yeah. You can get good people though. There's a lot of good people. You could do three, four, five,

six, seven casts of good people. In LA, you can find a lot of talented comedic actors that you could put in TV shows. And if you figured out how to write specifically for them, you could have it really good. A lot of that is luck. What's really hard is finding the right writing.

Because look, after NewsRadio, how many of us went off and did successful sitcoms on our own? None. None of us did. Everyone tried. I had a couple of pilots. I had a couple of things that I was writing and things that I did or things that I went up for.

It's too hard to find something good. I would get these things and I would read them and I'd be like, fuck, man, I couldn't do this. Like, this is clunky, dumb, hacky, horse shit. And once you do, like, a really good show, it's hard, man. It's a terrible feeling for a stand-up to be doing shitty comedy and not even be able to change it. That's a terrible feeling, man.

I get to story edit once it's written, so that's good. Yeah, you get to story edit? Oh, that's a terrible feeling man i get to i get to story edit once it's written so that's good yeah you get to story edit oh that's great man if you write your own shit if you had your own idea and sat down and came up with your own shit that would be the move man that would be the move because you're the only guy that really can write for you you can't get some fucking dude who's not really even a stand-up who's's like some sort of a... You've got to find a really powerful, fucking really bright guy. Do a news radio, but have it podcasting. I'm listening.

It's our life, Brian. It's 24 hours a day. Right, and just because, I mean, if you think about it, the news radio thing's good. Radios are pretty much dead. That's the new things, podcasting. Have a sitcom around podcasting.

News podcasting. Mix it with friends. Maybe have a little black child in there. That's not a bad idea, dude. Different strokes. That's not a bad, no, you don't want to go different strokes. You were on, you used to be with Fox, right, back then? No. No, NBC?

No, News Radio was NBC. I was on a show on Fox before that, though, called Hardball. That was for like, there was only like seven episodes, I think, aired. Maybe six aired, seven shot. Terrible show. Was that yours? No, I was the star of it, but it was a baseball show. I was one of the stars. There was a bunch of other people

in it. It was one of those shows that was really funny at one point and then got butchered. The guys who wrote it, Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran, they wrote for Married with Children, they wrote for The Simpsons. Really, really funny guys.

But the network didn't think that they could produce a show. They didn't think that they were hard enough to run a show. So what they wanted to do was give it to a producer. And the producer took over and just started rewriting everything and turned it into dog shit. Their showrunner jacked it up. It became dog shit. Just total hackneyed, obvious dog shit. And that's not fun.

You know, that's what a lot of happens. A lot of that happens in Hollywood. You know, there's a lot of weird nepotism where you know that a guy worked on a successful show. It's like, he must have the magic. He worked on Coach. Yep. You know?

So they bring the Coach man in. This is the man from Coach. They always do that with me. He worked on Coach. They always do that with me. They always do that with me. Yeah, they always tell you. You know, Russell, this is what we've done before and it's worked. And I go, well, clearly everything I've done in my career has not been the regular path.

Right. Right. I didn't get to this level because I followed the same path that you think is the key to success here. The key to humor, too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the key to humor is like, man, it's so hard to gauge one person's humor. I don't know if I could do it. As a comic and a comedian and a writer,

I don't know if I could take someone else's comedy. I would have to be so intimate with that person's comedy to try to write a plot or an idea for them. You're going to get your idea of what their ideas would be. I think Louis C.K. did it the best, though. Yeah, he did it himself. That's probably the best example of how to do it. Perfect.

Yeah, the new show on FX, right? Yeah, the new show. Yeah, he totally got it right. I watched a couple episodes. I love Louis. Yeah, he's perfect. He's doing it exactly the right way. Why don't you marry him? Why don't you marry him?

Why don't you marry him? Shut up, Brian. You guys aren't going to marry him, are you? Ginger babies. No, we're not going to marry him. I am. Brian, I think you died 10 minutes ago. Your body's being run by bacteria.

Coconut water. Yes, your body's being run by bacteria that was living in the coconut water. When I die, it's going to be like aliens where that robot dies and all that milk starts coming out of them. Let me ask you a question that you already asked me. What do you think about all this 2012 shit? I don't know. I keep watching all these things. What's that Nobiru, that planet they say that's going to hit us?

Well, yeah. They did discover a large object they believe exists way outside of pluto some large jupiter sized object have you ever had michio kaku on your show no but i got a chance to talk to him once on the opie anthony show and ask him a bunch of questions he was on the phone it's fucking great man that guy's awesome i do love that guy he's he's really thank god there's people like him out there yeah because i don't have that kind of patience you know like these theoretical he explains it so well well he's so educated and intelligent and his whole life has been you know in this pursuit of wisdom i don't have that kind

of devotion to shit you know it's like my my thing about so many things is like how much time would it really take to kind of understand what the fuck this guy really knows like when you hear about string theory you know and you hear about like the just the idea behind it how long would you really have to study it before you truly understood what the fuck they're talking yeah i've watched documentaries on string theory a bunch of times and i never really know what I'm taking away, but I know I'm fascinated the whole time. Yeah, fascinated the whole time, but just like, what?

You know, there could be, I watched one with Michio Kaku where he's talking about there could be another you in another dimension that took a left when you took a right, and he went on a totally different life journey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's happening right now, simultaneously. He's talking about parallel universes. Yeah, that there might be an infinite number of yous doing the same life and going in an infinite number of different directions all at once. And then there's the other thought that you are traveling and transgressing through different parallel dimensions all the time.

And the one you exist in right now is the one you exist in because of your choices and literally is not the same one as the one you exist in right now is the one you exist in because of your choices and literally is not the same one as the one you started off in. With every decision you make in your life, you're moving into a new dimension. You're moving into some new universe, some new parallel existence.

What the fuck are we talking about, folks? We're talking crazy shit. I was in houston i'm i'm almost i'm so fascinated by the moon landing thing oh are you yeah me as well because i was so i was in houston recently and there was this indian girl waiting by the bus for an autograph and a picture very nice very innocent and she's like i just want to take a picture she's nice, very innocent. She's like, I just want to take a picture. She's from India, too. I was like, cool, no problem.

She goes, you know, my whole class at the university is all big fans. I'm like, that's great. Thank you very much. I go, what are you guys studying? She said, astrophysicist. I'm like, are you kidding me? I go, what do you mean? You're designing spacecrafts?

We're studying it, and yes, that's ultimately what we're doing when i said so let me ask you a question have we gone to the moon and she goes they say we've gone to the moon i go i go what does that mean well they said we went to the moon i go so is it possible that we went to the moon no it's not possible that we went to the moon but they said we went to the moon? No, it's not possible that we went to the moon. But they said we went to the moon. It's physically impossible to go to the moon in this day and age. She said it's not possible

then. How would it be possible now? What was her reasoning for saying that it's not possible? She said the Van Allen radiation belt she said it would peel off your skin. She said it's not like you know, it's not like it would affect you later she said it would literally, your skin would She said it's not like, you know, it's not like it would affect you later. She said it would literally, your skin would fall off. Just to play devil's advocate, though, there are readings of the Van Allen radiation belt

that they've released online that you could find where they show the levels that are out there and the amount of exposure the astronauts would have gone through if they did what they said they did. And there's a bunch of people that have said that they would survive it. That's all just on paper, though. My problem with it is they never sent a fucking chicken into space and had that motherfucker come back alive. And they did it with astronauts. They did it with American civilian or American astronauts

during the apex of a 20-year solar cycle. Really? You went all the way out there? I don't know if they did. She said it's just too far, too. It would take too long. There's no way they got up there and then sent a transmission back that quick, either. Yeah, that's kind of trippy, too.

She's like, there's no way. Like, it's not physically possible. What's really trippy is not only did they do that, they actually timed the panning of the camera from Houston to catch the lunar module as it separates from the moon surface and they follow it up. They timed the pan. Like, they timed all that on a delay from Houston.

Like, maybe they did it. Maybe they did it. You know, I wasn't there. She literally pointed at my iPhone and said, you have more technology in this. It's true. Than you did in all of that entire room. But it's not just about technology. It's about calculations. It's about thrust. It's about this. It's true. Than you did in all of that entire room. But it's not just about technology.

It's about calculations. It's about thrust. It's about speed. It's about catching the rotation of the moon and coming back along with it. It's the slingshot effect. But I'm not saying that I think they did do it because I'm not convinced they went.

But you've got to make sure that when you argue about things like this like that the science the science is really tricky like you have to know way too much to really know what the fuck you're talking about it's true i don't i don't but what i do know is i know bullshit okay and i'm real good at bullshit i'm if you lie to me man i i can tell i can see twitches in your eyes i can smell bullshit a mile away. I've been around so many creeps my whole life. I just fucking, and just being a comedian and being a student of the human animal.

When you watch the Apollo 11 press conference, the post-flight press conference, that to me was one of the biggest pieces of evidence that something's really wrong. Because they're clearly bullshitting. There's no doubt about it. If you watch the Apollo 11 press conference, the post-flight press conference, they're talking about this like, they're just like making shit up.

It's like, it doesn't seem like they have any connection to what they're talking about. It doesn't seem remotely like it was a part of their life that they're describing. It seems like horse shit. And it seems like horse shit and they're nervous and they're answering questions. You know, we've never gone back. We've never even come close.

The only time human beings have ever been more than 400 miles above the Earth's surface was them. All the moon missions. All the ones when they flew over it and didn't land and the ones they did land between 1969 and 1972 they went and landed and supposedly and came back it's far it's 250 million or 250 000 miles yeah but just think about that think about the fact they did that in 69 yeah that doesn't make any sense. We're moving into 2011. Yeah, we should have had some sort of revisit.

That's so long ago. Let's check and see if anything's changed up there. But people look at it, man, it's like a technological Jesus. You're not supposed to question it. It's a deity. It's a technological deity. Well, yeah, I mean, but at the same time, we're also in the space race with Russia.

We had to beat them at something. Yeah, but did we even or were we even? You know, at the highest levels, and I wonder if we're going to find out any of this shit in WikiLeaks. At the highest levels, I wonder how much corroboration there is between governments.

I wonder how much of the fucking Cold War is just to keep everybody in line. You know, who knows? Who knows how much at the highest level there was actual real communication and exchanging of information. You know, I don't fucking know, man. I don't know. I would not pretend to

know I know exactly what's going on. Because then people say, well, if the Russians weren't in on it, why didn't they rat America out? I don't know. That doesn't mean they didn't fake it. There's a lot of fucking shit that points to the fact that they were faking it. And it could never come out now because if the government can lie about that,

what else can they lie about? Everything from 1969 from 1969 is cheaper easier and faster to do today except go to the moon it's like there's nothing else the jets are faster the weapons are better the technology is better for communication everything's better except space travel and everybody's well that's because it's a lot of money Maybe. It's possible that that's all it is. It's possible that everybody just looks for a conspiracy and everything, and it's like you're just looking too hard, and it seems crazy, but it's just because there's an atmosphere-less object and it's out in space. Maybe.

Or maybe they faked it. That's possible, too. There's a lot of weird shit to it. There's a lot of weird shit. The fact that Neil Armstrong becomes some sort of a recluse and stops talking to people and Buzz Aldrin goes insane. Buzz Aldrin became like a serious alcoholic after the moon landings. It's a weird fucking, there's a lot of weird shit.

Something has to get into your head to make you turn this way. There's a lot of weird shit with the fucking lunar orbiter. The lunar module, you ever watch like them try to do that thing on Earth? There's a famous video footage of Neil Armstrong in that thing, and he ejects, and it falls to the ground and explodes and blows up in flames. But, damn, that bitch worked like a charm when they were up there on the moon, though. They got that all re-engineered and figured out perfectly, so it worked flawlessly on every mission.

Maybe. Then there's the Prime Minister of Holland was given a moon rock by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. And they fucking recently, like within the last couple of years, they found out that it's not a moon rock. It's petrified wood. This is in a plaque given to them by the astronauts. Like, here, we've brought you back a souvenir from the moon, sir. Why, I picked this one myself. I chipped it off and we brought it to you because we value

the relationship that America has with your country. Meanwhile, it's a piece of petrified wood. Yeah, I got duped into buying a watch

that allegedly... A moon watch? Allegedly made from the face of the surface of the moon from a moon rock. Really?

I saw one of those. I saw it was in one of those super rich guy magazines. Yeah. Like it's got Ferraris on the cover, the DuPont Registry, you know? Yeah. Was that where you got it from?

No, I was in a store that sold high-end watches. Tell me more. What happened? I'm a watch nerd. So I was like, this company, Romain Jerome. How could they possibly get Moon Rocks? I don't know. That's, let me listen.

I mean, you know, it's a federal crime to be in possession of moon rock allegedly there was one point in time where they had auctioned off a piece of moon rock and they just ground it down and made watches out of it this company made uh took it and made the inside face of the watch oh really just like a little thin layer of it and then they made it to shape like the moon and and then i and that same company got a piece of the titanic that was auctioned off and well and they made the bezel of the watch with the piece of the iron from the titanic wow that one's more believable for me that's totally believable well i mean i guess they did bring back no matter what even with unmanned spacecrafts the russians

brought back a bunch of uh moon dust you know you know not a bunch like enough to make a hundred thousand fucking watches but you know there's enough to study you know the um the whole subject is such a controversial subject because it's one of the one of the very few subjects where people immediately think you are fucking crazy if you even think about it yeah and that's a weird thing whenever you get a subject that's like that, where if you even consider it, if you don't even take a stand, if you consider it, you're a quack and a crazy person. It's like, there are things like that, like the hollow earth. Yeah, there are things like that.

But even the hollow earth, I'll listen to what they have to say. It sounds completely insane, but I'll listen to it. When I listen to... What's the matter, Brian? I just thought I heard something. What'd you hear? It sounded like a door slamming or a knocking or something. It's the fucking CIA, bro.

It's NASA. They're coming. They're coming for you. It's one of those things where a lot of people don't want to talk about the subject because if you pick a position or if you do agree that there's some anomalies and there's some weird shit to the photography, it looks like they're some anomalies and there's some weird shit to the photography. The photographer

looks like they're in spotlights and there's all these discussions about intersecting shadows, shadows coming from different light sources. Yeah, that kind of stuff I find a little corny. It is a little corny, but the spotlight shit's not corny. It's like, yeah, this guy is very clearly under a light source.

And there's also photos where it looks like a guy is very clearly filled in. The idea of the moon is that it's supposed to be's also photos where it looks like a guy is very clearly filled in. The idea of the moon is that it's supposed to be, you know, it's like there's a really extreme contrast in a lot of the photographs of dark and light. Except when there's astronauts involved. When they want a nice clear shot of a guy coming

out of a lunar module, meanwhile the sun is behind him, he should be in darkness. It's a lot of tricky shit. And a lot of people will come up with excuses. They'll say, well, it could be this. The contour of the surface of the moon. It reflects light. Yes, it could be that. Or, it could be there was a dude standing

there with a big fucking piece of aluminum foil, and he was making sure the light fills in that photograph, because they were doing it in a goddamn movie studio. That's possible, too, man. What do you think Area 51 is for? It's all for developing weapons that's what i think i think all those things that people keep seeing in the sky that it's a ufo man those are easily could be drones you know that to me is more likely than aliens wanted us so badly they wanted human fetal tissue so badly that they were willing

to give us fucking flying saucers yeah like come on. I don't believe there's been over 11 flying saucers have crashed that we have possession of. Really? Okay. Really? I could see one crashing. I could see a bunch crashing over the course of human history. But I think there'd be some evidence. I don't think you'd be able to hold that back.

People have stories about shit. But I don't know if I believe them. I need to talk to them about a lot of other shit. You know, you start talking to me about UFOs. I need to know if I believe him. I need to talk to him about a lot of other shit. You start talking to me about UFOs, I need to know what you think about ghosts. I need to sit you down and do you think that you can read minds? Do you believe in palm reading?

What about tarot cards? I'm not into that stuff. But you know what I'm saying? When I'm talking to a dude who believes in UFOs, I need to know if you believe in chemtrails, motherfucker. I need to know if you believe in a lot of weird shit. Are you one of those weird shit-believing dudes? Because there's a lot of people that just love to believe in crazy shit.

They just look forward to it. To be more interesting. Yes, it's sexy. Aliens are sexy. So hot right now. So hot, bro. I mean, isn't it? 2012 is sexy.

Anything crazy and unknown. Bigfoot's sexy. Loch Ness Monster's sexy. Killer whales aren't sexy. They're at fucking SeaWorld, all right? It's easy to get to. They see them all the time. But they're just as fascinating.

If you didn't know, you know, if you didn't know that an animal existed that's almost as intelligent as a man that has this incredibly varied language, speaks with sound, it actually breathes air, but it lives in the middle of the ocean and it kills fish and middle of the ocean,

and it kills fish and fucks up sharks. You'd be like, whoa, this is real? That would be way crazier than a lot of animals that are mythical, like the Loch Ness Monster. What does that fucking pussy do? That piece of shit. I don't even know what that is. I've never bought into the Loch Ness Monster. Cryptozoology is a weird field,

because there are things that we have not discovered. Definitely. There's that fucking gorilla or the chimpanzee they've recently discovered in the Congo. It's a giant Bondo ape. It's a huge chimpanzee. It's over the last couple of decades they've figured out there really is this giant subspecies of chimpanzee. This king kong? Yeah.

No, it's like six feet tall. But they can find things. There's a few things that are out there. It's like six feet tall. But they can find things. There's a few things that are out there. Like in New Guinea, they found like some crazy fucking frog and some weird, you know, psychedelic looking animals. And they find weird shit in like rainforests and, you know, in places. There's stuff that we still probably haven't seen yet.

But there's not a lot. You know, there's not a lot of stuff. It's not like the old days. It's not like the old days when they discovered gorillas. I'm like, what the fuck is that? That happened, man. It was like not that long ago where they discovered gorillas. They're like, you gotta be fucking shitting me.

Nobody knew. There's Europeans, man, when they went to Africa for the first time. Do you know how fucking crazy it must have been the first time they discovered a gorilla? You know, they're walking through. What else is here, John? Well, there's ants the size of your hand, Fred. Give me the machete. Let's hack through some...

What the fuck is that? Just a big, giant silverback comes running at you, and they have to shoot it, and then they fucking kill it, and put it up on ropes and shit, and carry it, a big log, to the village. What the fuck is this?

And they're like, that is our famous leader. They had to discover that shit, dude. People back then that lived around gorillas, they weren't writing books. They didn't write shit. They didn't even, you know, they didn't have any paper. But they had a religion. Did they?

I don't think they even did. The people that live in the Congo? What kind of religions do they have in the Congo? I don't know. People that like, those people that like, you ever see the people that live in the congo what kind of religions do they have in the congo i don't know the people that like those people that like uh you ever see the people that like hang off of trees and catch fish from the river with nets it's fucking nuts they hang upside down they just hang with their hands and feet they're barefoot these people are living like they lived a hundred thousand years ago and they do that just still to this day there's all this video of them too people have gone there and even video in black and white like way back in the 40s and the 50s and these people

climb out on these trees that that that hang over the congo over the river and they're literally they fall in you're dead man you're fucked and there's all these people and loved ones and they're catching fish with nets and they're just so good at it they've been doing it for so long it's like they grew up climbing on these trees, hanging over this raging fucking river and scooping fish out of it. That video you tweeted the other day where the guy was climbing that tower, by the way, that was fucking scary.

I hate that shit. Which one? There's a video where a dude drives, it's like well over a thousand feet. It's one of those electrical towers. Was it a radio tower? I think it was like a radio tower. Same as the Empire State Building.

Is that what it was saying? It was the same height as that. Yeah, something along those lines. It was insane how tall it was, and this guy was free climbing it. The elevator takes you up to a certain point, but once you get to a certain point, then you have to free climb. And he was free climbing. While carrying this bag that's like 30 pounds.

Just hanging. What's in it? His tools. His tools. He's got to fix this fucking thing. Oh, this is a real... He wasn't doing it for fun. Dude, but there's a whole...

A part where he's climbing, where he's outside. There's most... Part of it, the freak out is he's inside this thing. You know, inside this structure. But eventually, he gets outside the structure.

And he has to climb all the way to the top because it gets thinner and thinner and thinner. So it's just a pole with some things that stick off the side that you have to grab ahold of. It's such a freak out, dude. You can see 50 miles in either way from up there. I had to turn that shit off too.

Did it freak you out? Yeah, I started freaking myself out when it gets to a certain part of heights. I'm just like, alright, that's crazy. Heights are scary as fuck, man. Heights are scary as fuck. There's something about it, man.

It just makes your toes curl and your butthole clench as shit. In an honesty, if it was the opposite, like the extreme depth, I'd probably be the same way. Like if I was like, you know, the same distance like if i was like you know the same

distance like underneath the water did you see that video the guy free diving there's a video that's online now i'll tweet it later on today there's a video of a guy free diving and he free dives some insane amount like 100 meters but i was at the ocean yeah i guess that's what you can do he can do 124 meters that's like the most he's ever done. You know how fucking deep that is? How did he gauge that? His watch would have stopped him. Yeah. I don't know. Unless he had a moon watch.

He's got a world record. You son of a bitch. You know, they can hold their breath for like five minutes, man, some of these free divers, and more. Five minutes, six minutes, seven minutes underwater. Think about that shit. Fuck that. Yeah.

Why do you want to do that, man? That just doesn't seem like a smart thing to do. All right, people are home. They're making noise. Yeah, I do you want to do that, man? That just doesn't seem like a smart thing to do. All right, people are home. They're making noise. Yeah, I hear it. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Mr. Russell Peters. Why, thank you. You're a scholar and a gentleman and a fantastic stand-up comedian.

And if people want to get in contact with you, what is the best way? TheRealRussellP on Twitter? That is correct. Two S's, two L's. Correct. TheRealRussellP at Twitter. And what's your website? RussellPeters.com.

Shazam, bitches. Much love. Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Brian Redband for his technical expertise and his human roadblock skills. Thank you to everyone, ladies and gentlemen, to all you freaky bitches. February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. Me, Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir.

Super Bowl weekend, Friday night. It's going down. Get on in. We're going to have a crazy party. Russell Peters, what are you doing on February 4th weekend? I will be in Toronto on February 2nd or 3rd. Are you going to be in... Doing a corporate gig.

Are you going to be in Vegas for the UFC weekend? That weekend? Yes. Yes. If I can be, I will be. If my gig's not on the same night. Let me tell you right now. Tell me, because it's the 5th.

The 5th is UFC? The 5th is UFC. And Russell Peters is a big UFC fan. Did you see Anthony Pettis' fucking kick last night? Yeah. Did you see what happened last night? No, what am I missing? You know who Anthony Pettis is?

No, why not? Showtime Pettis. He's now the new WEC lightweight champion. Okay. He fought Ben Henderson, and it was a crazy back and forth fight until the fifth round. He jumps off the side of the cage with his foot, kicks off the cage, and flying through the air, kicks Ben Henderson in the face and knocks him down. It was the nuttiest shit I have ever seen in my life.

No, no. No, it went to a decision. But look at that fucking kick. Ben Henderson's a good fighter, too. Ben Henderson's a bad motherfucker. It was a great scrap up until that point. There was a lot of back and forth action. He had Henderson's back. Henderson hadforth action. He had Henderson's back.

Henderson had his back. He had Henderson's back standing up. It was real back-and-forth for a while until the last round, man. Pettis really came on strong. The last round was Pettis. He hurt him a couple times with punches. But even then, in that last round, Henderson had Pettis on his back. It was really interesting.

I believe he had Pettis' back too. It was a really interesting... I believe he had Pettis' back, too. It was a really interesting fight, man. It was a wild scrap. Anthony Pettis is a bad motherfucker. But the fact that he pulled that off was just insane. The fight was a really closely matched fight. You know, I think Pettis definitely won the decision. Ben Henderson's a bad motherfucker, too.

Didn't he fight... Cowboy Cerrone? No, he's bigger. He's 15 fight Faber? Cowboy Cerrone? No, he's bigger. He's 155. Henderson fought Cowboy Cerrone, and that was a great fight. Two great fights. In the last one, he caught him with a guillotine. He's got a tight guillotine.

He's got a good submission game, good stand-up game. Pettis is just a better puncher. That was one of the big things, and Pettis is wilder. Pettis had better success on the ground, too. He was able to hold onto Henderson a on the ground too he was able to hold on to henderson a little bit better than henderson was able to hold on to him but it was close it was good it was a fucking you know it was one of those matches where even though you know yes the decision was the correct decision like man while it was happening it was so suspenseful

because both guys were so good and so much action was going on and both guys knew that you couldn't fuck up even for a second because if you you did, you would get jacked. Like for one guy would make a mistake, the other guy would have his back. You know, one guy would make a mistake, the other guy would be on top. You know, it was a really high-paced, you know, really exciting fight until that last kick. And that was the nuttiest shit I have ever seen in my life. They just showed that. That was pretty crazy.

It's just a few seconds to go in the last round. It was like the Superman punch and kicks. It's nuts. Matrix step. That guy, he's on another level. This is the new level. This is back, you know, when Hoist Gracie was around and, you know, he... He fucked Timo?

Triangled Dan Severin off his back. And I was like, this is crazy. He's on another level. This is the next level. The next level is dudes are jumping off the cage and fucking kicking you in the face. Man, you got all these kids that just studied MMA their whole life. They didn't study one or the other. Well, he actually started out a Taekwondo black belt.

The Taekwondo guys just think... There's a new guy named John McDessie, too, who fought in Toronto, or in Montreal, rather. And he's another Taekwondo guy, too. He's got these wild-ass fucking kicks. These Taekwondo guys will take crazy chances. Well, most of it sucks. Yeah. Most of it is like... The problem with Taekwondo is you take crazy chances. Well, most of it sucks. The problem with Taekwondo is you've got to keep your hands down. Everybody keeps their hands down.

That's how they fight. You can only kick to the face. You can't punch to the face. It's a really unrealistic style. That's what I started out as. That's what I did for a long period of my life. But what's good about that is you develop crazy leg dexterity. You develop the ability to do nutty shit.

No? You never try any kicking? No, my legs are terrible. You know, the best, most effective kicks are to the legs. Yeah. You know, like Muay Thai? Yeah, yeah. Side of the knee.

If you want to take some shit, right? I'll hook you up, man. I want to go to... After we get offline, I'll tell you exactly where to go. We'll hook it up after he tells me where he lives because you can't know. You fucking dirty freaks. All right. That's the end of the show. It had to end eventually and now it does.

I love you bitches. I love everybody. I love Brian. I love Russell Peters. I'm very fortunate to have such cool friends. Thank you, sir. Let me give you one, Brian. I don't want to leave you hanging.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you for tuning in and we'll see you soon I'm healthy I'm healthy I'm not sick anymore so that's it for this weekend we won't have any this weekend but we're going to have a bunch next week I got a lot of

people on tap Greg Fitzsimmons contacted me we're going to do one with Greg Fitzsimmons we're going to work in who else Brian we're going to do one with Greg Fitzsimmons. We're going to work in... Who else, Brian? We're going to try to get Brian Posse. Brian Posse. We're going to work on him. Maybe Liza Schlesinger.

Yeah, Liza Schlesinger. And, oh, Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen. And there's a lot. I want to get Bert Kreischer, too, so we can get him. Hilarious. We'll get a lot of people, bitches.

We got a lot of shit happening. Thank you very much for all the love. We love you. Back. See ya. Bye-bye. a lot of shit happen. Thank you very much for all the love. We love you. Back. See ya. Bye bye.