The Joe Rogan Experience - #639 - Greg Proops

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

Greg Proops is a stand-up comedian, also well-known for his improv comedy on the show "Whose Line is it Anyway?". He currently hosts his own podcast called "The Smartest Man In The World", available on SPotify, and has a new book available in May 2015 called "The Smartest Book In The World".

Either way, I could, depending upon the day, I could argue both ways. Greg motherfuckin' Proops is here! On the Joe Rogan experience! Greg Proops is one of those dudes that actually wrote a book. I'm one of those dudes who threatens to write a book, but never does it. But you're one of those dudes who actually wrote a book. The smartest book in the world. You bad motherfucker, you.

I just learned to read, and so I thought, why not put it to use? I have another level of respect for people who write books. It took so long, Joe. You know, you think it's going to be easy. You think you're just going to, because it's, you know, off the podcast, right? Obviously, it's a cheap, you know, marketing ploy. From the smartest man in the world, your podcast on iTunes. Smartest book in the world.

Because when they said, what would you call the book? And when I went in for the meeting, I was like, the smartest book in the world. And they were like, love it. So that was a couple of years ago. And it took about a year and a half to kind of get together. I thought I'd be able to take transcripts from the show. And then I realized they don't read that well. There's too much doubling back.

There's too much internal logic. There's a big difference between orating and writing. There's a big goddamn difference. And sometimes, like for stand-up comedy, that's like why one of the most important things is you have to do both. And the guys who only do one or the other, it's easily doesn't, I mean, some guys can pull it off. Some guys just like to just go up and just keep going up all all the time

And just going over the material in their head like sort of Jay-z style Yeah, and never actually sitting down and writing things out I know guys who don't you know only a key word here and there and then I was just in Denver and I made everybody Get their book out because I wanted to look at everybody's book You know like I have obsessed with the fact that we're the last people who write things on pieces of paper all the time for Our own information. The rest of the world has completely gone phone. Really?

I think so. But I mean, I don't know. You carry a notebook, right? I carry a notebook when I perform. Right, me too. I have one of those little tiny moleskins. So I took mine out. And of course, it's just a sheaf of garbage with every napkin and stationery from every hotel on earth.

And stuffed into moleskins. And then the other guy takes his out, Deacon Gray, his name is, a Denver comic. And his is written like a playwright. Each page, just beautifully. Every word of the joke written down. And I'm like, I write like corn. And then try to remember the other 18 minutes that goes with it. And so, like you say, sometimes you need to write the whole thing out and look at it.

But my question was, and I don't know if this works with you, if you write something down on a piece of paper, for me, I remember it. If I type it into something, I got to read it a thousand times. They've done studies on that, actually, that the best way for someone to remember something is to actually physically write it longhand. Right. Is cursive longhand? Is that what they call it, longhand? Yeah, they call that longhand. That's longhand?

But, I mean, just writing it. I don't write in cursive. I don't know anyone who writes in cursive that much. My mom does. And she sent me a whole letter the other day, and I couldn't read it halfway through. I just gave up. Because I don't even... The Z-R thing, I can't tell if it's Z's or R's. Like that. Yeah. Yeah. What's wrong with the microphone? I don't know. Why is it flop up because i don't even the z r thing i can't tell what's easy like that yeah yeah what's wrong with the microphone i know why is it flopped it's spinning

who wants to get microphones michael michael moore wrote this thing about running for president a couple weeks ago that was pretty funny he's not doing it but one of the things he said was well the first thing he said was universal cords for everything right for all devices all computers phones he goes we've had the same plug in the wall for a hundred years. There's not 16 different ones. Why is every device... Well, almost everybody but Apple uses a micro SD, right? Right, right. But then Apple changes...

Or a micro USB, rather. Every brand, they change. But he also said, everyone has to be taught cursive. And his reason was, it's the one thing that's absolutely distinct like a fingerprint to every human. Our signature is, you know what I mean? You can copy people's signatures, but we all learn our own way to write.

Old government tricks. Yep. Yep. And so I agreed with him on that. I thought, I don't really write letters in cursive like your mother did because she went to school before. But I learned cursive, oh my God, when I was eight years old or nine years old, you know? I learned cursive, oh my God, when I was eight years old or nine years old, you know. Well, the way you write is always like, it's always distinctive so much so that it's a segment in television shows and movies and plots.

You know, they bring in the handwriting analysis guy. The giant loop on the P and a giant loop on the G means an outstanding personality and the double O's are, you know, blah, blah, blah. Right. They can break you down and how you. Do you have the same signature that you did when you started comedy? Yeah. Did you abbreviate it? Ish. No, I do.

I have an abbreviated one in case I got to sign a thousand things where there's two versions. Not a lot of letters. Yeah. Well, it's just kind of G's and P's. I like the people who've narrowed their signature down to not like nothing. It just looks like a blob. And you're like, that doesn't look like your name. That's kind of a Willie Willie Mays I have a couple of autographs of I didn't get them personally But they were given to me and Willie Mays learned handwriting in the 30s in Alabama where he grew up

I'm sure in his little school, right? So his writing goes the other way entirely like it doesn't look like Willie Mays It looks like weenie weenie, like all going one way. And I looked at it for ages until I figured out, Oh, he's holding it like this and going like that with his W. He's making a W completely backwards to the way you'd make a W. And,

uh, but Babe Ruth, who went to school in the, uh, early turn of the century in Baltimore. And he went to an industrial school where the priests and the nuns beat you and stuff you know like old school yeah he went to one of those his signature is absolutely beautiful and he wrote with his left hand and if you wrote left-handed then it was terrible because you were using a fountain pen or you dipped it in a well so your hand goes across

your work yes oh that's every left-hander had to learn to write with their hand up Yeah, writing left-handed is a real bitch man. That's a real bitch. I tried to practice it once when I broke my arm Hmm, I couldn't write with my right hand So I started like writing things with my left and I was it was bizarre First of all, it's bizarre how shitty your left hand works. Yes. It's incredible. Amazing. How poor yeah I mean if you think about what your right hand can do with drawing things and writing things down very quickly with excellent control

of your fingers, excellent articulation. Thank you. You switch over to your left hand like you get tired writing. It's such an effort. You have to concentrate all of your right brain on writing. My right arm though is starting to turn into my left arm just from using cell phones too much, how I sit and use my computer.

I was getting early signs of carpal tunnel or something, but it's turning weak. I can feel it get weaker. Your right hand. My right arm. And you've overused it with devices. So much. They say that with people with thumbs. Thumbs now, they have more carpal tunnel issues with thumbs than ever in human history

between Xboxes, Game Boys, and Gameboys and texting everything's this now It's all this one movement and with kids. There's some kids that are fucking addicted You know like we've all we've had many conversations on this podcast about Electronic addictions and how real they are now like Ari Shaffir just switched over to a little Flipphone and somebody else just flipped switched over to a flip phone phone. And somebody else just switched over to a flip phone, too. Oh, Rory McDonald, UFC fighter. He switched over, too. From a smartphone?

Yeah, he's like, it's just too much. I just don't feel like I get enough me time. I'm just constantly dealing with texts and tweets and looking at this video and watching that. Do you think that's head trauma? That's why they're going back to the flip phone? Both Ari and Rory. Rory has been hit, but rarely. He's very skillful.

Ari lost his other phone. Ari made a conscious decision and talked about it while he had his iPhone. How dare you. Yeah, I believe you. Well, he really did, man. I think it's good, though. I know people who use old Toshim ones. I got a buddy in Illinois, and he brought out his, and he had a little razor man. I was like why not you know what?

I don't think you have to do everything every I got buddies to or on Twitter that are comedians And they just want their privacy. They're not on Facebook They want to live their lives man, and I I say right on because I find myself wasting too much time on it You know what I mean? There's the difference between doing your business on it because we we all got to tweet and go on Periscope and shoot each other and be the monkeys. But when you find yourself just going through Twitter, just looking for something that's interesting, you're like, I could be building a home out of bricks. Getting something actually done. Writing a sonnet to my wife or something.

Or reading a book. Like the smartest book in the world. Why would you fuck with Twitter when you can just read that? I don't think I bang on the internet too much on there. A little bit. There's a few things. The whole WWW World Wide Web thing, I'm like, World Wide Web is

three syllables and WWW is nine syllables. So why do we say the abbreviation? That's so true! World Wide Web is much faster to say than WWW. World Wide Web is way quicker! That's hilarious. I never

thought of that until right now. I put it in the book, like, why have we said WWW for a hundred years? That is so fucking funny. Did you find William Hayes? Isn't it? No, like, and no one ever said anything. Like, someone pointed it out to me a couple years ago. A friend went like, um, why do we say this? And I'm like, oh my god!

WWW. Worldwide web. Because we think we're shortening it by saying WWW. Like, hey, that's a hip way to say it. Stuttering. Why don't we just say dub, dub, dub or something? That's some connection to life. There's something in that. Like, there's a hip way to say it. Boy. Stuttering. Why don't we just say dub, dub, dub or something? That's some connection to life. There's something in that. Like, there's a reason why life is so goofy.

That's gotta, there's gotta be some connection. I stick that one in there. And stuff, I like words that I hate and stuff. There's a couple chapters on that. Just words that you hate. Well, like, you know, people. I said, like, soups and cray-cray and all that. I said, in 50 years, it'll be like saying buggy whip or whippersnapper or, you hate. Well, like, you know, people. I said, like, soups and cray-cray and all that. I said in 50 years it'll be like saying buggy whip or whippersnapper or, you know.

I like when people use cray-cray in an anonymous, or in an ironic, rather, way. Yeah, I don't mind that. Like if something fucks up and some guy does something really stupid and someone goes, damn, he cray-cray. You know, that's funny. Yeah. If they don't really mean it. Yeah. But if they do mean it, it's like, ooh.

You just shouldn't accept that level of culture automatically. I agree. That's funny if they don't really mean it. But if they do mean it, it's like, ooh. You just shouldn't accept that level of culture automatically. I agree. There has to be some bulwark against the barbarians. There has to be something against the horde of sheep who are willing to all act and behave the same. There's got to be something. There's got to be. Not having a smartphone is one way.

I remember, was it John Waters who didn't have email up to like a couple years ago how dare he he would have someone uh take down everything and hand him a sheaf of paper and he'd like go through all the messages and everything that's hilarious i thought that tweet for me yeah i would like to say you remember when people used to use it like if you had you know at red band it would be is going to the doctor today yeah you know, at Red Band, it would be, is going to the doctor today. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right. Like, it wasn't direct.

It was sort of you were talking about yourself in the third person. That was the way people initially used Twitter. You know, and I was always like, get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to just talk normal. But there was a lot of people that used it, like, at your name, and then then you know is having a great time at the movies like who you are you having you can't say i'm riding in the

conditional you see i'm a third party observer to my own life at all times i'm narrating myself greg is having a good time being here on the joe rogan show at this moment and you used to you get fucked if you have too many letters in your little name. Right. Because if you have the real Greg Proops Esquire, then your tweets are going to be really short. Right. Harley Moskowitz, the adventurous rabbi. Yeah, I mean, your tweets can be still 140 characters,

but no one's going to retweet the whole thing. They're never going to quote tweet it because they can't. No. Because your fucking name's too long. God damn it. Wow. The only... People trying to... The issue I have with all of these things is they're all fun and they're all great and they're all groovy.

And the reason why I have a career is because there's an internet. But I just find that everybody trusts technology too much. And so much as the people who make it and the people who are overwatching us, they are not benign. Whoa, is this some dark overlord type shit? We're not going to go to the room full of 11 men and the Council of Five or nothing like that. I'm just saying, you know, be mindful of all the stuff you tape.

You know, people just tape every intimate moment of their lives and all of a sudden, just like in the movie with Cameron Diaz, you're on the cloud. Oh no, it's getting worse and worse for me because I've been staying at home a lot more or trying to. And so I have webcams where they're recording me play video games and stuff, and I'll forget

that I have that on. And then next thing you know, a day later, I'm sitting there talking, and I realize that, oh, I'm just talking. Jamie could just be sitting there listening to me right now. Because it's so easy to do with Xbox Live or all these other things. Yeah, that's a new thing and it's going to transition probably into something even more invasive.

It's probably going to be like we were saying before, like some sort of a Google Glass thing, like through a ski helmet type situation where that's what they're working on with that magic leap right wasn't that part of it it was either magically but one of the other ones that they're working on where they they can spin objects in the air in front of them and stop them and move them and stretch them out like you could open like Minority Report right you're

doing it in the air Minority Report was on like a was it a screen I believe so yeah no screens you're just doing it in the air minority report was on like a was it a screen. I believe so yeah, no screens You're just doing it in the air your the world becomes your desktop, and I think we're talking about two different technologies I think that um The other stuff is The Magic Leap thing I think it's a different type. Yeah, then that well. There's that Sony a This one oh, this is the watch that's on your arm There's that Sony TV. What is this one?

Oh, this is the watch that's on your arm? It's a window. A group of benign people who care about you, who are well-groomed, are thinking right now about your future. Advertisements. Oh, that's so cool. Anytime you have an advertisement for anything that might even be potentially remotely dangerous, those advertisements should all be illegal. potentially remotely dangerous, those advertisements should all be illegal.

I've been watching advertisements lately on late night television. They have all these advertisements about drugs. Like, ask your doctor. All these ask your doctor commercials. And I'm like, these commercials are terrifying. And then when they start listing

the side effects, and sometimes the side effects is death or suicide, and you're like you're like really dude the side effect from this one thing for zits the entire i don't know what the medication is but it was a a genuinely disturbing video because you know that happy song they they're only playing like the music. They don't have the lyrics to the music. They don't have the vocals. But these two girls are walking and bopping down the street like they're in a fucking music video. And it's about zits. And it's about your zits are keeping you from being...

So you've got to ask your doctor about this medication that stops your zits. And then it goes through all the lists of shit you should be careful of. Including bloody diarrhea diarrhea oh my goodness this is in the fucking commercial and they're they're saying you have to be careful of abdominal crank cramps because they could be fatal you gotta go to your doctor if any of these things happen and i mean they run through a fucking laundry list of shit that you have to be worried about where i'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me this is real and this is on TV and they want 13 year old girls to take it and they're all they Manipulate you with the dancing and the pretty girls. This is the shit. We're not showing this to the rest of the world, right?

What's it called? Oh next on Okay, so it's got these girls. They're beautiful. They're fucking flawless. They don't have a mark on their face They're do how can you can't get someone with zits that needs this shit? Right. You got these gorgeous model girls, and while they're jogging down the street, this fucking happy song is playing. Dude, it's dark. It's dark.

They're dead eyes. Yeah. I was going to say, and then an alien comes aboard and takes control of your life. Well, they're showing you the ideal. This is the ideal. Flawless people. After, yeah. But think about what they're selling.

Who the fuck looks like this? If I take this medication, will I look like that girl? Why do you have that girl? Why is she so beautiful? Does she have zit problems? So why are you using her for this fucking commercial? That's like showing Lexington Steel in a big penis cream commercial. No, show a regular dude with a little dick grow a big dick, okay?

You can't show giant dicks. That guy was born with a giant dick. That's the same thing here. Those girls were born flawless. I mean, that girl has a perfect skin structure or a bone structure and beautiful clear skin and perfect skin structure or a bone structure and beautiful clear skin and she's dressed fashionably and the music is playing great and her hair's blowing just so in the wind where it looks like a casual summer day and you're like god if i just took this medication i can hang with these bitches no you don't look like anything like them it's insane everywhere they go there's models it's like the world the world's filled with tens and you're going down the street bopping to music and everyone's got a little dog Like what the fuck are you selling? Oh and the beautiful backdrop that they were in front of that lovely building and there was woods and whatnot There was no rappers anywhere homeless people or no. No, there's no it's a fantasy

Yeah, no, which is what you sold lost a foot to diabetes pushing around in a wheelchair asking you for money What's the expression? Impossible beauty standards, they say? This cult commercial is one long impossible beauty standard. And it's about something that's, you know, that fucks with people when you get zits all over your face. Scary face. It's a crazy video.

Side effects may include you become an alien with bright red hair. Yeah, the side effects. Jamie, see if you can find out where the side effects are. Because they, we've got to play it. Because they go on for like a minute. I mean, the side effects just fucking keep going. ...skin irritation, especially if used with other acne products. Stop use and call your doctor if you have a rash or very red, burning, itchy, or swollen skin.

Limit your time in the sun. Avoid tanning beds and sunlives. So stop hiding. That's not the whole one. You gotta go before that where it says you could die. Limit your time in the sun? That's okay. Let's just stop right there and back that up. One more time.

I want to hear that one more time. Stop. As these may be fatal. Stop. As these may be fatal. What in the actual fuck? Not to overuse a term like cray-cray. That was cray-cray. But seriously, what in the actual fuck?

I was watching that commercial last night on TV during a hunting show. I'm watching a show about hunting. And they have this commercial about bloody diarrhea. And I'm like, what the fuck? I might have changed channels. I might be wrong about what I was watching on. But I wasn't wrong about the actual commercial itself being insanity. No.

And the visuals and the soundtrack don't match. At that moment when they're talking about Buddy Diaries, she casts aside long glance and throws her hood off and gets ready to run.

I don't think we should be so flippant about the influence of these goddamn commercials at all. I think this is like coercion. It's like voodoo.

They're brainwashing people. What's the actual number? Somewhere in the neighborhood. With the phone now. It used to be hundreds of ads a day with just walking around on TV. But with the phone, I think it's up to, what, 3,000, 5,000 a day or something like that? The ads that you have to make your way through. There's a lot of fucking ads, man.

And it's all mind-bending and poisoning, and it has an agenda. And the agenda is to take money from you and fool you. Well, I don't worry about that when it comes to like cars as long as the cars are safe like make it sexy New Dodge Viper I don't mind that you're gonna convert coerce me in that way. That's fine I do mind it though if I might get bloody diarrhea that kills me Worsening me imagine if you're a young girl kills me like you're coercing me imagine if you're a young girl and you might have an unfortunate looking face and you just always felt like you're an outcast and maybe if my skin was clear then i would be scared to go to the gym you know maybe those girls at school would be nicer to me

and i'd have you know more popular friends and you see this fucking commercial and the next thing you know you're going to your doctor and the next thing you know after that you got bloody diarrhea and you're dying how would you get bloody diarrhea, though? Because it wouldn't be... There's only one way. Well, yeah. But it wouldn't be bright red. It would be like that black red diarrhea.

Of course. It would be a diarrhea situation. So an acne medicine is giving you internal bleeding. Well, obviously the FDA approved this, but knew that within a certain group, however what a number is, whatever they feel the number is safe, that many many people out of that number it's okay that they get these things as long as you say consult with your doctor that uh probably adheres to some code within the god that's one administration and all that jive really one of the more fascinating things about us biologically is the fact that you could take something and it has no effect on you at all and I can take the same thing and die like you know things that people are severely allergic to or

Allergic reactions even a medication. I mean how many times you ever been asked if you're allergic to penicillin Yeah, imagine being the poor bastard. That's allergic to penicillin fuck man I could be you know a red one person nothing net guy next to him. I'm gonna die. I'm allergic to penicillin Are you really you have to wear a little thing? You know, one person, nothing, guy next to him, he'll die. I'm allergic to penicillin. Are you really? Do you have to wear a little thing? Dude, that's hilarious. And it sucks about being allergic to penicillin is you're allergic to all the cilins.

So like the moccasins. And those are in other medicines. Yeah. And I get strep throat a lot, like almost once a year. And so normally you just take penicillin. Dude, I had no idea you were allergic to that. That's wild. Something that's not as effective.

How did you find out? Did you take penicillin or did they test you? Yeah, as a kid I took it and I broke up in this huge rash and stuff like that. Could you breathe? Could you breathe when you had the reaction? I think I was fine breathing, but it was all over me. So it was pretty gross. But it was obvious?

It happened within a certain oh yeah it happened immediately oh my gosh wow yeah that's crazy so but you realize that before penicillin the casualties in wars and stuff were off the charts like what is it world war one is when it gets invented because yeah that the lack of good antibiotics to treat any kind of post uh wound infection or any kind of... What terrifies me is how nature's trying to keep up with antibiotics. And they have these MRSA infections that people get where they're hospitalized for months. I mean, some people, they catch MRSA.

When MRSA is like medication-resistant staph something or another, I think that's what it stands for. But it's particularly common in surgery cases for some reason. Like people have surgery. What happened? Nothing. I just caught a look at myself on camera and I have David Cronenberg water buffalo hair. Someone said in the, what is it, Periscope chat, you have genius hair. Yeah, that's what I'm going for. Mad genius. Genius hair.

I mean, it goes with your... Pervy professor. My hours are posted. Yeah. What the fuck were we just talking about? Uh, Mirva. Mirva? They're being resistant to antibiotics. Oh, MRSA. MRSA. Yeah, MRSA. That scares the shit out of me, that they're trying to get stronger as we make more... I mean, it's almost like there's a war going on. Like antibacterials.

Yeah. Eventually those won't work. Well, do you know, some people that use them all the time, they get so crazy that they get, they kill all the resistance in their hands to other bacteria. So they get warts and shit all over their hands. It's like really common for people that become addicted to that stuff. It's not a bad idea every now and again to give yourself a little antibacterial in the hands. Antibacterial.

All that stuff that you gelled. It smells like alcohol. It's got to be good for you. It smells like medicine. But some, my friend went over and looked at a house and inside the house was a closet full of this stuff. What? Yeah. They were going to buy this house. They went and looked in the house and they opened this door and there was a fucking closet filled

with hand sanitizer. Wow. Just bottles and bottles and bottles and bottles like a crazy person was terrified of running out of hand sanitizer it's been a it's been a godsend for germaphobes yeah everyone who's an anal germaphobe loves it because they just they're every two seconds i know some people and they're always you know i think it's like that's a psychological thing right right it's like odd or what do they call call ocd yeah ocd not odd so don't you think that that almost like fuels it like having that's what i mean it's it's absolutely being validated that the thing you're afraid of is true you know i'm afraid of touch anything or touch anything like i when i do my podcast i i talk to everyone in

the audience before the show for a while and i shake everybody's hand so i'm communicating whatever disease anyone's giving me to everyone and i don't use hand sanitizer i'll go in the audience before the show for a while and I shake everybody's hand so I'm communicating whatever disease anyone's giving me to everyone and I don't use hand sanitizer I'll go in the dressing room and wash my hands after that yeah and then start the show but we all have to take that chance we're all humans and live with each other it's good for your immune system I do too I have never gotten sick from it and I'm never nothing that was a lick in your hands all right like I say I wash my hands after the show. I do not pleasure myself

or dance around or make a taco or anything like that. But how bizarre is it that this is a concern? Just think about the actual existence of human beings. How bizarre is it that there is a concern that you might get an organism that's attached to another person and that organism will threaten the very

ecosystem that your life depends on. That's real. That's how people get colds. You're rubbing up against an organism. You get it in your body because it came off of someone else's body, and it may or may not kill you. Like the flu.

How many times have you shaken all these hands after a show and then fingered a girl without washing your hands, and now that? I mean that's that goes without saying but I think everyone can relate to that Brian. Yeah, no, I Hands after shows yeah, I wash my hands too and also we you know I don't think about it that much but now that we're on the subject the microphone never gets cleaned off like a gym You would never touch equipment that didn't occasionally get something wiped Especially with your face. You kind of kiss it sometimes. How many times do you accidentally put your mouth on it?

Or you're making a sound effect and you're fucking... Yeah. You know. Yeah, you're sucking on it. Who knows whose face. Exactly. I get it all up in the mic all the time and you'll... You know, and like...

They don't sterilize that thing. They never touch them with alcohol and really they should... Now that I think about it, maybe... It's disgusting. Maybe I'll go Todd Glass on everyone and have them change the lighting and sterilize the things. Well, I think worst case scenario is these things. These foam things. Right, because this is just

a receptacle. We're spitting into that fucking thing and there's like growing all kinds of weird funky shit. I bet if we had a microphone and we looked at what's actually going on in the foam of this microphone, I thought we'd be fucking terrified. Oh yeah, it'd be like the clouds of Venus or whatever. There'd be every manner of thing growing in there It'd be pretty cool taking all that DNA though. You know how many people have talked into that microphone

So much yeah, I wonder how long does that stick around That's I think like for like spit it's got to be pretty fresh You can't use a hundred-year-old spit. If somebody sucked on a flute a hundred years ago, I really doubt they'd get some DNA off that. That's a good question, and I can't answer it. But off what you're just saying, I was in Philly a year or two ago, and I went to Independence Hall, right? And they got the several drafts of the Declaration of Independence.

Wow. The pre-drafts before the one that we all know. And it says on the explanation on the wall, Benjamin Franklin and George Washington is sweat and DNA is all over this. Because they were like this over it with pens writing

and so I wonder if the spit lasts because they were, according to this, it's like them touching it and their hair landing on it and them sweating on it was enough to So I wonder if the spit lasts because they were according to this it's like Them touching it and their hair landing on it and then sweating on it was enough to you could extract It's definitely DNA in the future if it hasn't been Created right if we can't pick it up now, right? I mean whether it would be a whole readout of them, you know a complete DNA molecule or whether it would just be some of it I don't know but they were like Oh Benjamin Franklin's DNA is all over this like

literally and I was like that's kind of exciting to think about them just sitting there going I'm gonna win in the court and how do you spell you know course and you know mix because there's all the scratch outs on it and ink and I'm touching it poor wiping techniques well like Oh, yeah, no hygiene. The thing I think about when you look at old... They didn't even brush. No, the thing about old paintings is that someone's...

The physical act, that's always... To me, that brings the past back instantly because it's like the genuine article. If someone made a painting 500 years ago like you see at Da Vinci or something, he certainly went you know right and had paint on his face and and touched with his hands and put the brushes and You know got up to it and stood back from it and that you know you're seeing the completed article But the process that went into it is like any plastic art

Yeah, and isn't the immediacy of them making it? It's kind of fascinating how once you give something a name, like DNA, and it becomes a normal part of your discussion, you kind of forget how crazy just being able to lick something and leave fucking DNA is. The idea that you're a stamp stamp like you're sending a bill Yeah, and you lick it and you seal that stamp that has your fucking genetic markers on it And they can identify you really well like down to like in the high 90s, right?

It's like not a hundred, but we know it's you bitch, and they take these fucking these Saliva samples and all sorts of different samples they can get DNA off of. Oh, yeah. Skin, hair. But did you hear that? No, but here's the hair thing. Did you hear that the hair science, like there's a good percentage of it is bullshit? It was actually invented by the FBI and responsible for hundreds of convictions where the doctors like wore a fucking lab coat and said

without a doubt, 100%, these came from the same person. Hundreds. And it goes back 20 years since they started the program. I read about it last week. It's scandalous. It's not just scandalous. It's horrific. People were put to death. Yeah, they were. People were put to death for crimes. Who the fuck knows

if they were guilty or weren't guilty. But if the tipping point was this hair thing, that's gotta be murder, right? Right. It is murder. It's the state murdering people. That's murder. Why can't we charge them with murder? Will we charge? You think anything will come of this?

I think it's a shitstorm. It went away right after I first saw it. But that's definitely the kind of thing you have hearings about, I think. You know what, man? Funding for programs, things like that. There's a fundamental, huge flaw in the system. And the fucking fundamental flaw of the justice system is there's winning and losing.

And when people get involved in winning and losing, they cheat, they lie, they steal. They want to win because winning becomes more important than anything else. Especially the good guys because the good guys want to win. Winning becomes more important than even justice and truth because along the way they develop this attitude like, look, if I'm going after them, they're already fucking guilty of something else. I know who's guilty. Especially when they're dealing with young kids

that might have fucked up a few times, been to juvenile home or went to jail. They will literally cause crimes, give people sentences that they don't deserve, lock them up with fucking planted evidence. This is not an uncommon thing that only existed in a movie

and if we saw it in real life, we'd be like right if we saw someone planting a gun on a murder suspect or a murder victim we wouldn't even think twice we'd like of course they did it yeah these people do this sometimes it's not and everyone who becomes a cop is just the one thing that everyone who becomes a cop has in common is they're all people yeah that. That's the one thing. So that alone would let you believe that most people should never be fucking cops. The vast majority of people should never be fucking cops. You couldn't be trusted with that kind of

responsibility. No way! That kind of power? And then when that gets abused, now we've seen the last six months, the last two days, the police state, the overfunding, the militarization, the absolute lack of code when it comes to black people or the underclass. And then it just piles up.

Now we see it, though, more and more, and now we're highly keenly tuned into it, especially since Walter Scott got aced on video phone horribly a couple of weeks ago. What is that? The guy in, which town was it in? Walter Scott. It's on the video. You see the cop put a bunch of slugs in the guy.

The guy who got shot who was running away from him. Yeah, that poor fellow. Oh, God. So, like, now we're real acutely aware that cops, like you say, are people. And panic, shoot people, go crazy they use their situation they're in they develop personal animosity for this person they're trying to take out because it becomes a competition becomes a competition of arresting them then it becomes a competition of convicting them it becomes us against them and even if you're a great guy and you're the perfect guy for being a

cop you always have to be on guard of some fucking asshole trying to shoot you or jumping on you and punching you when you're arresting people you have to always be on your complete red alert because we've all seen those videos of cops that were like pulling people over and then they got shot yeah or pulling people over have you seen the one where the woman pulls the guy over and the guy beats the shit out of the woman in front of his daughter and his daughter's screen stop daddy stop he knocks her out and beats the shit out of her when she's unconscious Holy it's horrific. Yeah, it just shows you first of all you can't have a lone woman by herself in that scenario I mean we all everyone wants to believe in equal rights There's no physical equality

That's just doesn't exist And if you're gonna be a woman and you're gonna be in a situation We have to arrest a big physical man, you can't let him get anywhere near you, ever. You can't let him get anywhere near you. You have to make sure that everybody that's around you, whether it's other cops, they know what's going on, they know where you are right now. Because it's highly likely that this guy is going to make an irrational decision to just beat the fuck out of you.

And if you don't get to your gun in time, you're done. And that's the case with men, too. So those men have to constantly be worried about it. They have to constantly, when they're, so they're always fucking freaking out, tense. It's almost a job that no one can do. Well, how do you do it every day and measure the justice every day? And then when you see how shit the system is, and when you see how even the people you're arresting have to live amongst, their life's not so hot.

You know what I mean? The people you're arresting, you feel sorry for them. At both ends of the spectrum, because on the one hand, like when you saw that Ferguson report, the mandate from the city was, you go out and you get those fines because that's how we generate income in this town. You go out and arrest people, you pull people over for license plates, lights, any old minor for being black, just whatever.

You just make that happen. And so in the report it said they were getting pressure to be those kind of cops that had to just... Minor infractions were how the city was making its money. God, that's so crazy. That's a complete inversion of how we perceive what the police are supposed to do

because we're paying the taxes, blah, blah, blah. It's glorified revenue collecting. Right? But that puts something on them that they didn't sign up for. You know what I mean? Like, when the troops have to defend money, positions, and interests for our country, that's when I get huffy, you know? Like, people are like, you should be for the troops. I'm like, I'm all for the troops. You put them in poisonous danger with shit that's not tested or no body armor or poorly armored vehicles that get blown up by IEDs and stuff.

And that's our fault. You know what I mean? That's the government being malfeasant and not protecting the people. It's asking them to do something that's more than you signed up for. Now imagine if the cops, the soldiers rather, also had to write tickets. They had to collect money from insurgents. In essence, they do, right? In essence, they do.

But can you imagine if they were put into that situation where not only did they have to go and fight wars, but they also had to ticket these people. Pull over, you. I mean, look, once it happens, then that's what it is. And that's the problem with cops. Like, we can't think of a time where a cop wouldn't be writing speeding tickets. But it's fucking ridiculous you're making a cop do that.

Either someone's violating the law, which means they need to be brought into jail, or it's not that big a deal. It's one or the other. It's one or the other. You can't just take money from people because they touched the gas pedal a little too hard. But they do. And parking fines? I mean, LA, you know. I lived in San Francisco. And London. The three places I've lived. And parking fines, I mean, LA, you know, I lived in San Francisco, and London,

the three places I've lived, and parking is, you know, that's the whole income of the city. Yeah. Yeah, parking's giant. If they made free parking and didn't write out parking tickets, and then, you know, they can make a little bit of money from the change, but they bank on you fucking up. Oh, yeah, they do. What is it, 60 bucks to go over the meter?

60. Something like that. In Hollywood it is. 60, and then if you don't pay it in like two weeks it immediately jumps to like 150. You don't pay that for like a week that goes to like 300. We're parking your fucking car. Before that happened, when I lived in San Francisco, I had a crappy

Chevy Vega that you had to put two quarts of oil in every day. Nothing worked. But I must have got a thousand tickets the first year i lived in san francisco and i threw them all in the glove box and finally a bench warrant was issued and i was had to go appear in front of a judge and at that point this is like 1980 it was like 1500 worth of five dollar tickets right or wow and they went like she went like what is your problem and i I went, I'm sorry, Your Honor.

She goes, well, what are you going to do? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't have any money. So she went, $450. Get out of here. Wow. So I think I paid it over a couple of months. I didn't even have $450.

So I paid. My car got booted once. Got booted because I didn't pay the tickets. Parking tickets? Yeah. Did you have to call someone to come unbooted? I think I had to go somewhere and pay some money. It was a long time ago.

It was in the 90s. I remember it was in LA. I got the boot. Yep. In London, they take the car up and put it on a truck and take it away. Whoa, assholes. You can't just take someone's car because they owe you money. A car is worth way more than a fucking parking ticket.

Yeah, that's astounding. I found out the other day, I was going through my mail, and I had almost thrown it away that I guess when I was in San Diego, I went on one of those highways that I guess was a toll road, but they don't even tell you, or they might have told you, but it's real easy to just get on and get off and not even know you're on it. They take a picture of your license. Yeah, and it's like you didn't pay.

And I didn't even know about it. I owe a lot of money because I didn't... So you did it a bunch of times? I forget now. Because it was like two months old or three months old or something like that. Oh, so it kept going up again? Oh, that goes up too?

Yeah. I got one through Illinois after Christmas. I did a gig in Bloomington or somewhere. And I went on a toll road and I was like, did I pay? I just went through a after Christmas. I did a gig in Bloomington or somewhere. And I went on a toll road. And I was like, did I pay? I just went through a thing. Was I supposed to stop? Because there was no people manning this thing.

That's a trick. There was no people manning it. I could see there were lanes where people had discs. And I thought, oh shit, as soon as I went through it. And sure enough, a week later, my wife goes, when were you in Carbondale, Illinois? Or you know or whatever and I went I was driving from Chicago and I drove in the door She's like well, it's $25 or whatever you know

Yeah, that's uh That's that thing what they used to do when you go through a red light and they would take a picture of your license plate Isn't that illegal? Yeah, that was deemed illegal. Wow, they still use it in West Hollywood and stuff. Do they still use it? Yeah. I see them. It's not the other day. I haven't, um, I don't know if they use them though. I don't know if they still write tickets because I'm pretty sure they deemed

that unconstitutional. Yeah, they did. Because it was a third party that was profiting off of it. It was a private company. So, like, you really didn't have to pay those tickets. Like, when you would get one of those tickets and it would say, you ran a red light, we want 100 bucks. Like, they were getting the money. Like, the money wasn't going to the state.

And everybody's like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? Like, you can't have a private company that also profits from it. I mean, the state must have gotten a piece of the action. Sure. But it was easier for them to just farm it out. Well, I mean, prisons are privatized. That's why there's a million, billion, zillion people in prison in this country.

It's not because that many people have done anything worthy of being in prison. Yeah, and we'll end the function of that whole system where someone's a winner and someone's a loser.

Like when you see people win, when they win in court and they find not guilty, yes! And that's like the three-pointer of all three-pointers. You know,

if you're about to go to jail and you're like, remember when O.J. Simpson, when they said not guilty and's like really really wow really oh you can see that look on his face that guy I mean he was trying to play poker but he hit the lottery he knew he won three-pointer swish nothing but net home run over the building into the parking lot, breaking car windows. I mean, he won, right? You can't

have winners and losers when it comes to laws and court. That's just too crazy. That's weird that he didn't just hide after that. It was such a huge win that why would you even, wouldn't you just not leave the house for the rest of your life? No, he didn't want, I mean, I think he didn't want anybody

to think that he was in jail now, isn't he? He's in jail now for... Assorted felonies? Well, he's in jail now for, I think they called it kidnapping and something along those lines. Some armed something. But that was the caper in Vegas, right? That was a thing in Vegas where he was a victim of someone

taking his stuff and selling it. Like, some of his memorabilia got sold by this guy and he wanted to get his stuff back, so he brought some dudes who brought some guns. And as soon as that's the case, you're fucksville. And the government came in and they go, dude,

we've been looking for an excuse to put you away. And so they just locked him up. He's fucked. It's like you say, my wife and I always say it, you know how Hollywood is so, especially young actresses. They get all drugged up. They go crazy. The next thing you know, you've seen a picture of them.

And then they're in the street upside down. And then they stay here. Or maybe they go to rehab for a month. And we always go, move to France. Move somewhere where they'll appreciate you. You're still a star in Europe or whatever, no matter what. And other countries, they don't look at it the same way. But why stay here under the scrutiny of TMZ and all the people who you know?

Because they don't speak French. That fucking Rosetta Stone is a pain in the ass. If you want to really learn French, it takes too long. They're lazy. They want to do coke and get fucked. Yeah, they are lazy. When Michael Jackson won the shit at the fan, he like stayed in, you know, and you think, go to another country, man.

He did. Eventually he went to, yeah, which was like, wait, what? Which is really weird because you're going to a slave state to cater ship, you know, emirate that's run by royal people who have there's no like yeah you know democracy like what was the idea there no one gets to vote why the fuck would he move there why does he could be protected by rich people that he felt safe that must be right that must have been when all the legal shit was hitting the fan it's a wall of rich people god that's terrifying Michael we will have your

back and my joke was he's staying at the I'm inside a boy hotel now I just feel bad about him you know like I watch the videos sometimes and think god damn he really was the fucking gifted you know oh yeah but I mean how about the fact that it was just he was made a star when he was a young young young boy just psyche of course it does it's impossible you can't go through life learning about the trials and tribulations of being a human being amongst other human beings on Earth if you never feel like you're one with all those people around you. No.

And he doesn't show business from five. Cry on all that money, man. Yeah. Boo-hoo. Well, I feel about him the same way I feel about, if you've seen that video of those young kids in Baltimore that robbed the RT camera crew? They robbed them on camera while all this rioting was going on?

Dude. Have you seen it? No. You've got to play this. We've got to play this. These guys from RT, first of all, those people from RT, that's where Abby Martin started out, and they have fucking balls. I mean, people dismiss RT because it's russian owned

but their reporters do some ballsy fucking shit and um they were there while all the protests were going on for the young man what is freddie what was his uh name this is the new was it freddie gray is that it ray was it i can't remember i don't remember't remember. It was a young man that was in police custody, and there was some discrepancy of how he died. And he died from trauma. And they think that the police beat this guy to death. So there's this huge, huge backlash because people can only see so many black dudes get shot by cops or choked by cops or beaten by cops or shot running away unarmed. They can only see so much of that. And now they've hit

this breaking point. I hope so. I hope this changes things. It's got to. It's been rolling on since Eric Garner. What's been rolling on since the fucking beginning of time? Yeah. But like everybody who wants there to be no crime, you've got to think about,

we will all sympathize with poor Michael Jackson, born to this crazy family of entertainers and made famous when he was young and had a predilection, allegedly, for young boys, this poor fucker and his crazy twisted childhood. Every day, all across the country, country in ghettos there are horrific scenarios playing out that babies are growing up and it's not all babies it's not all poor people but we're not talking just poor we're talking poor that are surrounded by desperate people poor that are surrounded by people that have grown up doing crime like their whole life has been about crime.

Everyone around them is involved in crime. You're going to run into those people occasionally. A good percentage of their family is in and out of jail, where it seems normal. It seems rational. How about that person? How about that person when she's got to go to college when she's 18? What fucking horrific PTSD does she have from growing up in the worst sections of Compton or Inglewood or Watts? Yeah.

That's why education is more important to spend on than law enforcement. But they don't. It's even more intense than that. It has to be taken to a totally different place. Because it's not education in terms of, like, come in, sit down, we're going to teach you about george washington's fucking cherry tree it's got to be this like completely invasive supportive system that eliminates ghettos like you have to eliminate them if you don't eliminate ghettos and i don't mean make it so that they gentrify it no one can afford living in it because that's how they eliminate ghettos and like i was gonna say it's there's been plenty of ghettos eliminated in a

lot of towns i've lived in. New York City has a huge problem with that. New York doesn't have that. San Francisco. Because New York, the real estate is worth so much that they could just come in and there's an apartment building that's old and shitty. That space is worth ungodly amounts of money. If they can convert it to high-end apartments, they'll just disappear just like that.

Oh, no. And then people are gone. No, you mean improved neighborhoods where people live. Yeah. By having things like parks and resources. All the above. Places kids can go. Yeah.

Community centers. And even then, how do you get, how do you penetrate the home? You know, how do you stop horrific childhoods from emerging? I mean, how do you, but as human beings, it's like, what are we? We're essentially this giant community of people that denies it's a community. We have all these methods that we use to keep ourselves apart from each other, whether it's Republican or Democrat or Islamic or Jewish, all these little teams that we choose to. But at the end of the day, we're all just one giant race, one super organism. That's it.

And anything that's counter to that, anything that's like counterintuitive to that idea is unhealthy for us. Well, what's counterintuitive? Ignore the worst spots. Ignore it and get angry at them. ignore it and get angry at them ignore ignore your demonize or your cancer yeah that you have in the the biological fiber of your being ignore that and get angry at it for being that way well why don't you pull yourself up by your bootstraps they're strapping staff infection you know i mean imagine if that's how you looked at like a broken ankle you fucking pussy you look down at your broken ankle how about you know i'm looking for the left ankle left ankles fine left ankles to the same fucking roads

You walk it's actually a perfect analogy if you're running and you break one ankle You know does the good ankle go what bitch I fucking did the same road. I worked on happen to me That's not how it works as a super organism. You can't have places like this scene in Baltimore Did you find the video watch this video? Cuz you're gonna freak the fuck out Because let's play get even give it a little volume. Hopefully our teeth So these guys running. She stole, he stole her bag and the cops tackled this guy and took the bag back. So the cops saved her. How ironic. Wow, right? How crazy. Yeah. Everything in play. Wow. This video highlights a lot of shit.

Doesn't it? And it illuminates why you fucking need police, okay? There you go. You just saw why you fucking need police. You got your bag back. Why? Because the police caught the guy who robbed you on air. That's a good ending. Yeah.

Damn. I mean, it's a great ending for the police. That's like a fucking, you would have to think that might be like a viral video. Yeah. You know, you might have to think like if the police were smart, that's what, that's like the kind of video you pull out. Have this really super ultra liberal progressive chick getting robbed by black dudes and then screaming, give me back my bag.

She doesn't once drop an N-bomb. She's not, my cell phone's in there, you nigger! She doesn't... You know what I'm saying? She's super progressive, probably, really smart, brave journalist going in there, and she gets saved by cops. It's crazy.

It's pretty crazy. I think you're right, though. Letting the sickness of poverty just go on and on in a country where we really do have the money to save everything. That's real racism. That's real. And it's not just racist to black people. It's racist to a gang of different ethnicities that are just completely ignored. How about poor Asian communities?

There's a lot of ultra-poor Asian immigrant communities in this country. Ignored. Ignored. Figure it out. Figure it out. You're on your own. And I don't even know what the solution would be. But I think there's a big part of the prison system that's ingrained in these bad neighborhoods. If you're looking at a

bad neighborhood that's just... Crime has always been there. So that means police activity has always been there. So then it that means police activity has always been there. So then it becomes like this symbiotic relationship between police activity and crime. And there's no incentive whatsoever to try to slow it down, other than cops dying. When cops get shot and killed on the job, that's like when a big push to sort of settle crime down. And usually it's just more arrests.

I mean, no one looks at like the inherent issue there's a there's a giant issue that there's winning and losing shit of arresting people and punishing them and trying them and they found guilty or not guilty and a yes or a no and a green or a red that be it becomes a game and that game no one in that game wants the game to stop. Well, it's for profit, because the prison system's for profit. And then on top of it, there's no equity at all. All the bankers, you know, to make a huge analogy,

all the bankers and everyone who ruined the economy and everything, none of them did any time, and no one ever laid a hand on them. But people who commit small crimes and petty crimes are always getting busted and thrown in jail. Ian Edwards has a brilliant and thrown into edwards has a brilliant joke about that he has a brilliant joke about that i don't want to give it away i can't even say the punchline but he's got a brilliant joke about comparison comparing thugs to bankers right

fucking hilarious my joke is no no black teenager ever ruined the economy on me and no black teenager ever invaded iraq i like how you say it with the accentuation Iraq Bitch That's why the smartest man in the world A lot of people couldn't pull that off dude Your sense of humor is just like You know there's some like unique Sort of styles of humor Like Brody Stevens is like my favorite example

Because the shit that Brody says Is only funny if you're Brody Stevens But if you're Brody Stevens. But if you're Brody Stevens, it's brilliant. He was fucking destroying. One night, like a month ago at the comedy store, he does that late night spot after midnight. All the comics have already gone up. The show's been going on since 9 o'clock.

Everyone's exhausted. Whoever's there is a glutton for punishment, right? 20 people in the audience, and then comics just start filtering in and Brody does like 45 minutes I put some of it on Instagram where he's playing drums Yeah, he's got someone singing along with me about that. Yeah, he's an animal Yeah, and it's just it's it's the Brody show for the last hour of the Comedy Store It's the Brody show and he does it it's him and Brian Holtzman Those are the masters at that late spot. And Don Barris, too.

Don Barris is like the master of debacle. If you want to see something absolutely ridiculous happen in the crowd late night at the Comedy Store, if Don Barris is on stage, it's likely to happen. He's the master that's becoming the ringleader of the crazies. He's just so comfortable with crazy people, too. That's awesome if you have the will to do that. You know what I mean? You want to go in late night and strike it down.

Well, you know what? For Brody, that's like the perfect kind of set for him. Of course it is. He needs to be in the moment. He's very environmental. Yeah. But he's a perfect example. Play the video, because it's so ridiculous. He's playing the drums, making kissy faces, and he's got a guy out of the audience right next to him playing the tambourine. And people don't...

There, you know, there's people in the front row that are from fucking Idaho. I've come to the world famous comedy store. They're like, what are we seeing? But what they're seeing is probably one of the coolest things you're ever going to get a chance to see. It's just completely free form. This one dude is just really entertaining and just having fun

off the cuff, constantly. That place is so addicting to go to, man. I had to take a night off last night just hanging out at the comedy store. They have that new bar open now in the back. Oh, did it open? Yeah. The new green room bar? Yeah. That's critical. Yeah.

It's like this really cool little VIP bar and then they're just cleaning it up. It's amazing how that new GM has just really taken control of that place. Adam's a bad motherfucker. Yeah, we knew him from back in the Tempe improv days. He's always been cool as shit. Who is it? Adam. Yeah, Eric and him from back in the Tempe improv days. He's always been cool shit Yeah, Eric and Adam well who started it who's who's the big cheese over there Eric Eric is the big cheese I don't even know Adam is the what I

booking general manager type duty, yeah, he started yeah, it's just like they needed people that had Some experience in comedy clubs that weren't crazy and they never got that before Everybody that used to run the comedy store was completely out of their fucking mind, you know And Adam is just such a laid-back easygoing, dude He has like a great relationship with comics like all the comics that know him like it's always like what's up, dude? It's like like a genuine friendship sort of relationship with it He does the norm MacDonald show and he also works with Norm MacDonald also. So he's like friends with the comics.

Yeah, but he's just a good dude. Just a good dude to have around, too. He's fun. It's like you genuinely like to see him, which wasn't the case for that place ever. It's a weird spot, man. It's still there. It's still right there on Sunset, east of La Cienega, in the craziest spot in all of the world of entertainment.

That strip, that's where the whiskey is, where Hendrix used to play, and the Doors used to fucking throw down. I mean, that's right down the street from where River Phoenix died. That's up the street, man. That one, that's the Roxy, where Sam Kinison filmed his HBO special. And it's right next door to the Rainbow Barn Grill, which is like, you want to go back in time. You want to go to the 80s? You want to relive that shit?

Yeah, you want to see Molly Hatchet? They're there. They're there. They're fucking drunk as shit. They're having a good time. That's a wild ass part of the country, not just part of town. Yeah, it is. I haven't played the

store in ages i remember seeing you outside there once and you were videotaping is the back room still all red and coke denny the back room um that oh you like the behind the stage behind the comedy store yeah or behind the main room rather yeah it's uh you see like red and white walls yeah it's got weird like old-school neon shit a fake piano Fake piano, which is probably seen more lines. I was gonna say how many rails any object in the known universe And now one of the legs is broken So like if you lean on it and you have like a big pile of cocaine and just flies on There was always these crazy rumors, too, that there's a tunnel from the back of the comedy store.

It goes under the comedy store and it goes up to Crest Hill where they had the comics house. Because when they bought the house, they bought the comedy store together as one package. Because it was like Bugsy Siegel's place. Right. So they used to live like right up on Crest Hill or somebody used to. And then sneak under. And there's a fucking tunnel. It's like, if the fuzz is here, what do you want to do, Mickey?

We're going to get in the tunnel. Fuck those pigs. And they get in the tunnel and just run up to the hill, tuck themselves in the bed. What? Officer, I've been in bed this whole evening. The very notion. Back then, there was no DNA. They couldn't touch this doorknob, stupid.

What? There's an essence of you On the doorknob See we brought it back around Yeah The DNA At the comedy store And coke

On that table I'm sure there's Residue from the Did you ever do the cocaine? Greg Proops I have done Have you? I have

I'm not doing it now But I have done Did you ever Did you ever go through a period Where you went I don't think I should do this stuff anymore No because It was never i never seriously did it a lot because it's not i'm more of a pothead it was i don't the feeling jacked uh wasn't for me it's i have to drink gallons of vodka if i do cocaine and i i'll drink anyway yeah because i can't sleep oh just to kind

of calm you down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, coke is there so you can drink as much as you can humanly get down. My joke was, because you go to the dealer, I used to do a long routine about cocaine because George Bush said, W. Bush said he didn't remember. Whether or not he did coke? Yeah, someone said, did you do cocaine? He goes, I don't remember.

And I was like, oh, you remember if you did coke. There's no forgetting it, even if you just did it once. And then I said, elaborate measures have to be enacted. You have to. First of all, my distinct recollection is you have to go to an asshole's house. Quality of it. And you're like, quality? I've debased myself by being here. I would snort Drano off a fucking midget right now. I go, let's get this going. I got a night to ruin. Then someone drags you face down the stairs.

You go to Denny's and spend the whole time barfing in the bathroom because you can't eat. Someone drags you face down the stairs. And you booty call someone at four in the morning that you met at a Yaz concert in 1994. Whoa. That's a strong booty call. That's a Hail Mary. That's just disingenuous to say you don't remember doing cocaine. Well, it's disingenuous because you would

remember whether or not you have done it. Because if you haven't done it, you'd remember all the time, I've never done coke. Because that comes up. If you have a conversation with people, once a year, someone will say, hey, have you ever tried Quaaludes? You're like, no, I never fucked with that. I don't fuck with pills.

Quaaludes. Yeah, dudes always have those sort of conversations. Or women, I'm sure, have those conversations too. And you would know whether or not you did coke. There's a decision involved in taking coke. There's this elaborate ritual that goes on with it. There's all the chopping and talking about it and acting like it's important because it's expensive.

Yeah, that's not like saying, have you ever had a shot of wild turkey? Right. You can conceivably go, I don't remember. I might have. Right. What's the difference? What's Jim Beam? Is that wild turkey?

Is that different shit? You know, you'd have those conversations. Like, that makes sense. But not, I don't remember whether or not I did coke. Get the fuck out of here, bitch. Do you remember whether or not you've ever had a makes sense but not i don't remember whether or not i did coke get the fuck out of here bitch do you remember whether or not you've ever had a drink of alcohol i don't remember what yeah fuck the fuck the fuck no you either did or you don't it can be it can be fun but i think when you base the night around it and everything becomes we have to do more and more and more and then at the end of the night when

there's no more and then it's a sad time. That's always the sad part. It's not a positive drug that way, whereas pot, at a certain point you're going to pull the ripcord because you're just too high or you fall asleep or we all go to Taco Bell or whatever it is. It's a different kind of tire, too. I've never done

coke, but the stimulants, any kind of stimulant. Oh, you're wrecked the next day. You're wrecked. I did ecstasy which is like very much like a stimulant that especially think I think the shit I had was probably not a hundred percent pure because I've heard people say that if you don't if Like if you if you don't try it like pure you really don't know what the actual effects is speedy Yeah, well it wasn't to me didn't say my I was definitely wake I definitely stood awake for a long fucking time Yeah, but I didn't think it was that speedy. But then someone told me that it's like really frequently cut with it.

I'm like, well, how do you know? You're getting it from a drug dealer. Right. And that's inherently like a big part of the problem, right? You're getting it illegally. So you're at risk. You don't really know what the fuck you're dealing with. If you buy it from someone in a bar or something, then you're completely taking it on faith

that they have the goodwill to not poison you. Well, that's what I was going to ask you about, the difference between stuff that's cut and stuff that's not cut. I don't think I've ever had rock star stuff. I hear stories about it. I've had friends who've done coke with famous people and junk, and they go, oh, it was so pure and it was so good. And evidently then you don't sweat and act like an asshole. Evidently then you're the life of the goddamn party and you're lighting ladies cigarettes and quipping off bone mows and absolutely

being the event of the season. No, I think whenever you're doing it, it's just because you want to get jacked and drink a bunch and then be an asshole. Or you're hanging out with a girl and you're like, oh, come here. I got cocaine. Yeah, there's that. I think that's. I got cocaine I think that's rape yeah, it's technically kind of rapey no It's a little quick in there like chocolate quick to make it chocolate cocaine the chicks love that Wow Cocaine tip

Yeah, just mix a little bit of quick in there And it tastes like this smells like chocolate when you snort it. Girls love that. Have you actually done this? What? Yes. You ever take Froot Loops and coat them with ecstasy? No, that's too elaborate.

What I was going to ask is, is there a difference between needing alcohol when you have cut Coke to not cut Coke? You remember Tom Sawyer from uh cobs san francisco as well as i remember anyone i'm sending him a copy of the book tomorrow in fact with an elaborate inscription tell him i said hello i will but he always used to talk about rockstar coke like it was the goddamn like it was that's what he'd say yeah that's where i got the expression yeah but he would talk about doing it with like kinnison or rockstar he did it with like a bunch of like

maybe it was robin might have been robin whoever the he did it with like a bunch of like maybe it was Robin might have been robbed Yeah, whoever the fuck he did it with but he would talk about how it was like It's like the best Asian massage ever with a built-in happy ending No, no questions asked and you just sleep like a baby afterwards He made it sound like this a wonderful experience that you needed to try and then afterwards the big thing is like you could just Go to bed. No problem. You guys sleep like how the fuck is that possible? afterwards the big thing is like you could just go to bed no problem you can just go to sleep like how the fuck is that possible i guess because i don't know because is it a completely i don't know like what the properties are but i'm assuming it's since it's a numbing agent it's an analgesic or like an anesthetic almost so really what it's getting stepped on with this crappy speed and

other shit that the additives is what jack shoe i'm guessing yeah but i've never like if you went to a pharmacy what a pharmacist would have would be pharmaceutical cocaine, and that would be very pure. And then, that's an experiment. Let's get a pharmacist on the show, Joe. Did you know that Coca-Cola still uses coca leaves? Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

It's part of their flavor. I don't think Pepsi does, but Coca-Cola uses actual coca leaves, and they extract medical grade cocaine from it and then they use they like the same company that that does this for coca-cola they also sell medical grade cocaine to like hospitals and shit as a numbing agent i don't know what they use it for man i don't i don't understand but apparently to there's medicinal uses. It doesn't have anything to do. Make you invent psychoanalysis? What is the stuff that they, lidocaine.

Like, lidocaine is like cocaine's autistic brother. I don't think I've ever had. Maybe if I'd done the Rockstar Coke, I'd be advocating it more. To me, it always just seemed like the people who did it were never the people that I wanted to roll with them. Okay, you align the inside of the mouth, nose and throat, mucous membranes before certain medical. Well, huh? Wonder why.

Decreases bleeding and swelling. Yeah. So it's actual cocaine, not lidocaine. No. That's interesting. Cocaine hydrochloride, huh? Well, I don't know if you remember that one person I hung out with that used to do liquid cocaine and it was just like a little spray bottle like a flow naze bottle

He's just like and you just that's how you did it That's just trying to get it into your membrane as quickly as possible and by putting it in liquid you're absolutely What kind of liquid would you put it into that you could just spray in your nose like that? No, it came came it came like it came like that like atomizer sprayed on wow that's why well That might be worth trying. I don't know. Like I said, the older I get to, I don't want my heart to explode or anything. Well, the real issue that they say is with the way they process cocaine from the coca leaves. But that coca leaves themselves are not only not dangerous for you, but really common and kind of healthy I mean they have like phytonutrients and there's some properties they shoot it for

thousands of years in South America but it rots the holy fuck out of your teeth son it rots the holy fuck out of your teeth you see those dudes that chew those coca leaves all the time it might be they just they like doing coca leaves so much they don't ever bother brushing yeah they probably don't have really good dental care if they're chewing on... It's possible. That's how they built the ink empire,

because it's a mild stimulant, and you just stick it in your cheek like chew, and you just keep it in there, and it allows you, because it restricts the blood vessels, to work at higher altitudes more. You know, there's all these... They were able to build massive cities and inconceivable architecture They were able to build massive cities And The higher altitude thing is pretty trippy

At precarious Fucking lofty heights all through the empire For thousands of miles And it was certain that they're all The workers Chew it daily That's a really common thing today And the people who pick it

They don't snort it, they chew it Yeah, they all chew it it's like really common like they have these bags of it and they hand it to each other and they take it and they grab it they stuff it in their mouth like look how much this guy's got stuffed in his face like a giant squirrel person that's what they do I mean if you were climbing and the Andes and you wanted to I, feel better and not have altitude sickness, the cocaine alleviates. Yeah. For us who are land bound, we don't live at 8,000 feet or whatever.

You know, it's not cocaine. It's cocaine leaves? Yeah, it's coca. It's coca leaves. Coca leaves. Cocaine is the extracted form that's unnatural. And it is fucked the same way Sugar is fucked

Like when you take sugar, like regular sugar And you pour it on your frosted flakes You're just poisoning yourself You're just giving yourself sugar, it tastes awesome Don't get me wrong, I'm not hating But you're giving yourself, it's like a toxin At that level, it's toxic, it's bad It's actually bad for your body

It can diminish your body's performance Your body your insulin levels get off fucking out of whack your body's like what is this? Because you're not supposed to have sugar in that form It's supposed to come attached to fiber and watermelon and apples and all these different fruits that we'd normally get sugar from it's supposed to be there's like in it you know like a relationship that these get sugar from it's supposed to be there's like in it you know like a relationship that these these these nutrients and the various aspects of food all have to the actual piece of food that they come from when you just extract one you know goods part of it like sugar or cocaine like you're taking it out of the whole symbiotic plant systems interesting though because

isn't that like the story? You know, I just read this book. I can't remember what it's called. Six Drinks and the History of the World in Six Drinks. And they talked a lot about Coca-Cola in it. Look at that shit. Sugar's addictive as a guy. I bet it is. When the brain scans, sugar is addictive. It's the refining of everything

and the extracting of everything that's changed the world, right? Like, sugar is a giant moment in human history. When sugar becomes important, because then rum becomes important, then slavery and taking over the new world, and the whole history of the new world is built on cocaine and sugar. For sure. I mean, there's definitely good and bad with all sorts of things

that have ruined all sorts of aspects of our world. I mean, for a long time, people go to war for salt. Absolutely. Stop and think about that. Salt precedes sugar as the big item that everybody wants to have salt. Gandhi's first march to the salt marshals, because that's what he was protesting, the British. Fuck. Salt's a key ingredient in human history.

And people still say it. And now I'm getting boring. Fuck. Salt's a key ingredient in human history. And people still say it, and now I'm getting boring, but I was just going to say, when they used to pay, they paid people in salt. You earn salt, and you're worth your salt. Do you know why they do it? Do you know what the properties of salt, what it's good for? It absolutely replenishes your body when you're working out. I guess the sodium is some sort of... No, go on, tell me, because I'm just fumbling around. No, those are all good, but the big one is a preservation of food right if

you can take meat and I cover it in salt and fish especially you cover it in salt it'll prevent bacteria from growing right yeah so they would literally layer these fish fillets oh yeah in stacks of salt like they would put salt, put the fish down, cover the fish with salt, put a fillet down, cover that with salt, and they would be fine for days. Yeah, yeah. Months.

You could ship. That's how all food was kept in those days. Would it really last for months? Well, that horrible stuff that they used to eat. Salt cod. Salt cod and salt pork, right? You salt the dickens out of a pork and then just keep it forever.

But they didn't have refrigeration, right? So salt provided refrigeration for 10 000 zillion years it was how you kept food yeah i mean it was like people can't to this day go what do you just pour your salt on your french fries people go to war for that shit it's a condiment you don't go to war for condiments but that's not what it was it was like going to war for refrigerators very much so in ancient rome the big sauce was this fish sauce. It tastes a lot like Vietnamese fish sauce. Very salty and brown. And it was like rendered fish that they let sit and then they threw salt in it.

But it kept. Wow. It kept. You could have it on your shelf for a couple of weeks. Which in the ancient world, you're buying food every day. You're taking your bread to the baker. The baker breaks it. You bring it back.

All of it has to be done on the day, right? You have chicken or whatever. You're not going to the supermarket and putting shit in a fridge for a billion years. Yeah, you don't have a deep freezer where you can keep pot pies. Salt is, like you said, the world fought over salt for ages and ages. It's amazing to think about today. People were forced to work in salt mines and died in them. That was like a huge punishment for ages.

There's a mountain in, is it Germany? There's a mountain of salt. Wow. And it's been reduced now. There's a book called Salt and it's very good. Will you look up the book called Salt, the guy who wrote it? And they reduced it just because of the world's need for salt? Yeah, they dug it all down.

Wow. There's two mountains, one in South America, I can't remember the other in Mexicoxico is it in potosi and uh yeah there it is salt a world history yeah you'd really like it man because he breaks it down and he shows you the salt mines and there's pictures of the salt mountain and uh and it is un-fucking-believable i mean we were talking earlier today we were talking earlier today about not having a smartphone. What a big leap that would be to go back to a flip phone. But look at the fuck people fought over salt. That is so alien

to us. And spices, right? The reason why Columbus was coming, there it is. The reason why Columbus was a mountain of salt came, and I always talk about Columbus on your bloody show, but even Magellan, when he went around the world, he sent five ships. They lost all of them.

They finally came back with one three years later. Three years later, a crappy ship with 18 guys sailed back in. Well, it had all been underwritten by businessmen from Germany who underwrote Magellan's voyage. There was enough spice in that ship to pay for the whole trip. A three-year trip and losing 300 guys and five ships or whatever, four ships. Whoa. Because they brought back, I don't know what they wanted on that one, nutmeg or whatever it was.

They had to go all the way around the world to the East Indies. No electricity. See, that was the difference. Magellan was going to prove you could go that way. Right. All the way around. Because usually they went around India and the Horn. And so that's how valuable it was.

And that's why Portugal and Spain were such giant powers, the big spice. And then when Spain took over the New World, there was a mountains of gold, in South America and one in... A mountain of silver, I mean. Wow. A mountain of silver. Wow. That they made the Indians and killed them all doing it. Dig out, and all the gold and silver in Asia is still in circulation as like Spanish gold. Whoa.

Dug out of the New World. That's insane. There was a literal mountain of it. Two of them. One in South America and one in Mexico. That's incredible. A mountain. Fuck. It's them. One in South America and one in Mexico. That's incredible. A mountain. Fuck, it's not that long ago either.

You know, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. That's not that long ago. 500 years ago. That's crazy. That's why Spain had money. And then comes the whatchamacallit, the Reformation after the Inquisition.

Now Europe becomes Europe and they all start fighting each other. It's really, truly amazing what a small amount of time that is in terms of, like, in perspective. Human history. Yeah, human history. Just even perspective with, everybody wants to go to the beginning of the universe, 13.7 billion, whatever it is. Oh, God. But we don't even have to go that far. Let's go to biological life. Yeah.

And then human beings have been around just a small amount of time. And in that small amount of time, the amount of change that we've seen just in 200 years is so mind-blowing. And we're talking about, like, going back to flip phones being, like, some big fuck-up. Primitive. I can't believe. I couldn't do it. I can't do it. Why don't I just rub two sticks together?

Dude, I need Periscope. I'm Periscoping all the time. It's huge for my career. You could go back to salt. Keeping your food alive with salt. I'm gonna start lining everything up. There's gonna be an asshole out there that does it. I bet there's assholes out there doing it right now.

Those guys who make their own axes and shit. There's chisinal everything. That's kind of the good thing about now is now you get to see people what the things you thought we lost like you know blacksmiths and saddle makers are back and making stuff you know like everybody's relearning all these old crafts how to be a no one knows how to like uh you know boil metal or whatever and be you know make right all those ancient things that were so necessary if you didn't have blacksmiths 250 years ago in this country even 100 years ago uh wagon wheels everything horses you know yeah your guns the tongs the tools you worked with you had to take it into him and he'd fix it and he'd give it back to

you there's something really cool when armies about swords and spears I mean on paper There's something really cool about that right someone in your group had to be a metal worker You know what I mean someone in your unit worked metal and you'd heat up a thing at night and bang bang bang fix everybody's Guns and yeah, there's a guy who made your furniture. Yeah, there's a guy who chopped the wood and Sawed it down and make your table. Yep. By hand, baby. Wow. And everybody's table was slightly different because they really were just marking it with

pencils and sawing into the wood. You can see it sometimes when you go to places like when they have artisans making, I don't know. I'm not going to go to a Revolutionary War village to watch them churn butter or nothing. I don't like super stupid old school making shit with your hands. But I love watching people make shit that I don't even give a fuck about. Like violins. I don't play the violin.

But I watch some show about them making violins and the wood that they choose and the harmonics of the wood. I mean, when you look at a really, truly expensive violin, I mean, that is a goddamn functional work of art. Oh, absolutely. I don't play any instruments. No. And I think the musicians who buy those high-end ones are reverent about their... They definitely wax them down and keep them in shape. And the moisture's an issue.

You can't store it in a crappy place And it can't get bounced around well. I was at Conan with Sturgill Simpson Sturgill Simpson's a friend of mine He's a country music guy and he was performing on the show and they asked him if he wanted to put his guitar out there early So that it can acclimate to the the temperature in that room because they keep the room where they film 65 degrees keep it chilly so that everybody's like whoo it gives you like a little bit more energy as an audience like if the worst

thing you want is people like really warm and really tired yeah so you give them like a little bit of a chill and that's like some old-school David Letterman trick right so they put his guitar out there early so it could get you and then they have to tune it again so you have his guitar out there early so it could get you and then they have to tune it again so you have to go out there you have to play with it and you have to know where it should be for every single note and you're twisting those little things on top and i'm like the wood itself moves and changes in 10 20 minutes the humidity of the room that's fucking bananas that is so crazy to think that it's so specialized

and they can't make he was telling me that you can't make a really good guitar out of anything other than wood just doesn't sound right they can make some electric ones out of like plexiglass and shit but it's a different sort of a thing but even they're not as good like you want wood right and they're steel there's the ones that are all metal you know but yeah no wood is the one i don't know i met i met a guy who made guitars for people and he you know he looked exactly like you think he would with ponytail and a beard and you know like he's in the hobbit and that's how he did it was i was with uh john paul jones uh uh from led zeppelin or whatever he he he was in them crooked vultures with Dave Grohl and I got to meet him and he introduces me to this fellow and he's like well who's this guy and he's like

he makes mandolins whoa and and I'm like oh and he's no he's my friend I brought him along with me he makes guitars and mandolins and that's what I play and wow yeah that's all he did and then people have like this really intense relationship with the guy who makes their guitar Yeah, I know do two guys acoustic guitars from like famous makers. They become friends of that famous maker Yeah, you know this is a pool cue thing to pool cues Which are also they can't figure out a way to make them really good at anything other than wood It's interesting that and they have relationship to the makers like guys who play with certain guys Sure, she like a look at this really close friendship with

this guy who makes your cue, but the It's interesting to me that like they haven't no one's been able to figure out in all the years that we've been Manufacturing things something that's better than something that just grows in the ground. Mm-hmm That's a trip that for guitars for pool cues. Drumsticks. Just for this table, man. Yeah. This table feels good. Like, when I put my hand on this table and I feel the grain of it and I move, like, this is like, I think this table makes a better conversation.

I really do. I think if there was this plastic thing here with, like, one of the Formica top, I think we'd feel less comfortable. No, then you're in a break room. Yeah. Then you're not meant to stay. Yeah. You're meant to blow after 15 minutes. Well, even these bricks.

These bricks are bullshit. Yeah. But they're not bullshit. They're actual bricks. It's a slice. They take a brick and they veneer it. Oh, really? Yeah.

And then they put a metal sheet up, and then they put the spackle in or whatever the fuck it is, and then they put the bricks in. in or whatever the fuck it is and then they put the bricks in they lay Them one at a time individually. Yeah, like it's not like a like a Wallpaper, it's an actual they're actual bricks, but to me. It's like I know that's real See if I go back there and touch it that feels like a bird that feels like a real Organic thing right and bricks are you know what mud and composite and all sorts of shit thrown into a mold. You still have to mold them. They're all irregular. I would have a wooden floor

if I owned this place. I would change it. I would turn the floor wooden, too. Wouldn't it be too noisy for a studio? Who gives a fuck? Let it echo. Let it echo. I would feel better. I feel better with shit that's organic stuff.

I agree. Like if you could be in a grow room, that would be the ultimate conversation. If you could just do a podcast, a video podcast from a grow room without going to jail or without getting your place stormed by people that know there's a million dollars worth of plants there. You're already getting me put in jail with all your questions today. Not true. We live in a new day.

Like, if you could go to one of those Warren Buffett-owned grow rooms in Colorado with, like, five indoor acres. Yeah. They have, like, five indoor acre ones that this dude I know works at. Wow. And they have two levels. There's an upper and a lower. Colorado's taking shit to the next level, son. Yeah.

I just got back from Denver. That is the beginning. That is the beginning for the whole country. The, I just got back from Denver. That is the beginning. That is the beginning for the whole country. The whole country is going to become that. The whole country is going to become just like Colorado because they're going to get addicted to the revenue and then they're going to get addicted to the behavior.

The revenue is one thing, but you go to Colorado right now, you have less drunk driving accidents. You have less violent crime. You have the lowest incident of DUIs in something like 25 years. There's all sorts of positive benefits to what the fuck's going on there. You're almost answering the next question, which is why it isn't happening everywhere. It's like, well, if they're going to sell less alcohol, then there's definitely forces

that don't want them to sell. Not only that, you've got to worry about criminals. I know someone who has a setup where he has Blackwater-type dudes. There's these dudes who have bulletproof vests, and they walk around with machine guns, and they're outside of this grow room because they're dealing with millions of dollars in cash.

Millions. And the banking laws are the next thing because the banking laws are still archaic. They're dealing on a cash basis in Colorado. You pay cash money like you do here in California. So every dispensary has got way too much money inside because they can't use credit cards. And then what do they do when they take it to the bank? Banks don't accept more than $10,000. Yeah.

Well, that's also what's going on with these asset forfeiture laws that are also being... One of them got overturned. What did we say? Tennessee, we talked about the other day. It got overturned. What did we say, Tennessee? We talked about it the other day. It got overturned in Tennessee where they were stealing people's money, man. People were driving somewhere. Say if you wanted to buy a car and you had $7,000 on you and you left your house with this money that you saved for a long time.

If they pull you over and they go, why do you have $7,000 on you? And you're like, well, I'm going to buy a car. They're like, the fuck out of here. They would just take that money and then you would have to prove Theft it is theft. It's not only just theft, but they would spend that money Yeah, they would do it so that even goes into a bank vault. They spent it in the most ironic way They bought a fucking margarita machine and they they you were using this margarita machine at a cop party So you use the drug money of you thought someone was selling drugs

You took it and then you bought a fucking margarita machine with this Wow to give her give yourselves legal drugs But you took drug money to buy some drug machines It's unbelievably gross ridiculous. Yeah, well, that's that's that's a part of what they were doing in California with the medical marijuana Medical marijuana is a state legal thing. So these places were following all the state laws. They got licenses to open. They opened up. They even went through this whole dispute where they said, look, a lot of you are too close to schools.

You've got to close down. There's all this legislation that got passed, and a lot of pot stores had to get closed down. Even after that, the DEA came in. They jackbooted these fucking kids that were working there. There's one where this guy's stepping on this kid's neck. The kid is totally being compliant. They got him zip-tied on the ground. He steps on his neck when he gets off of him. I mean, it's fucked up to what? I get enraged when I see that. I want to beat the fuck out of that guy for doing that. It's just, it's so horrible. And I think

if that was your son or your daughter, some 20-year-old college kid who gets their head stepped on by some fucking cunt, well, they would steal the money. And then they would say that the charges are pending and never file. So that three-quarters of a million dollars

that they stole from your pot place, and you're only working, you're making 20 bucks an hour or whatever working there, and they're stepping on your fucking neck and zip-tying your wrists until you have cuts on them. For what? And you're not even violating a fucking federal law. Well, the last head of the DEA just resigned. Oh, my God. That woman was very bad about pot.

She was awful. Look at this number. Look at this number. Yeah. very bad about pot. She was awful. Look at this number. Look at this number.

Yeah. In 2012, Texas law enforcement and prosecutors ended the year with $143 million in their forfeiture accounts. $143,040,730. You're talking about

the system being wrecked. Fuck. This is what's wrecked about everything. That is unbelievable. That's one year. The state of Texas law enforcement preying on the people of the state of Texas. Stealing from the people.

Stealing $143 million just in a year. I'm sorry I interrupted you about that DEA lady. Not at all. What's ironic is that she got put under, you know what took her down? A prostitution party. Oh yeah, yeah. That the DEA had.

They were hiring hookers. Like the Secret Service. They had a little fun. Yeah, the Secret Service and the DEA were having fun. And another, what the fuck? Leave them alone. She got taken down for that, and she's not very progressive. And I'm hoping that the new Attorney General is.

Yeah, blame for handling of agents' sex parties with hookers. Can't they just have a little fun off the job, you fucking nannies? You goddamn nannies. As long as they weren't using state money. I mean, where'd the money go? What money were they using? The DEA is not exactly the most organized division of our government. Well, we've played that.

Was it Jared Polis was the representative of Colorado who was grilling her on what is more addictive marijuana or crystal meth? What is more addictive? Marijuana or heroin what is worse for you? I think that all drugs and he just kept asking her What is what is worse is marijuana as bad as crystal meth? Can you just answer that? I think All illegal drugs are bad. It's like the most maddening fucking bureaucratic red tape horseshit conversation. She absolutely never fessed up. And Washington went legal, basically.

Yeah. Washington, D.C. Right around her. So looking out the window of her office, denying the reality that's going on right in front of her. Yeah. And not only that, denying all the medical studies that have all been completed, turned in, peer reviewed, observed by everyone on the Internet. It's not like a, it's not some crazy conspiracy. No.

And it's not like a mystery that pot's not bad for you. I mean, and whatever negative effects that they've attributed to it my god you saw that bloody diarrhea commercial we've already talked about this not everybody has the same reaction to all sorts of different things in your body but when it comes to like the most mild of mild when you look at the worst case scenario for reaction for pot god damn it's pretty mild you'll probably fall asleep a few people seem to have issues with like what they get they can't stop smoking pot guess what people have issues with scratch tickets okay they have issues with speeding there's people that can't go the speed

limit they have a they have an addiction to like pushing the limit like they want to just go just i can't go to it's not even that they're in a rush. It's just they have this weird addiction to doing something that's naughty. I can't stop it. They'll get 15, 16 fucking speeding tickets, lose their license. They can't slow down. It's not a Sammy Hagar song. They're real human beings. People are addicted to all kinds of shit.

That's why a lady like that is really dangerous. Having a person like that testifying on TV. If you don't have a guy like Jared Polis, a guy who just grills her and makes her why like a lady like that is it's really dangerous yeah there's a person like that testifying on TV if you don't have a guy like Jared Paulus a guy who just grills her and makes her look like a fool and doesn't do it and I mean he's not and being an asshole about it he's not being mean or he's not pointing fingers and yelling and using hyperbole and theater he's shocking lot shocking use of the post though I mean they make you the head of the DEA and you're supposed to be in a semi-progressive government. And who do you report to?

The president or Eric Holder or whoever it is? But that's the hustle. The hustle is that this is a semi-progressive government. But it isn't. There's no such thing. They don't exist anymore. No, they don't. You can't get in there if you're semi-progressive.

You just can't. You can put on the semi-progressive t-shirt when you're running for office. Right. You just can't. You can put on the semi-progressive t-shirt when you're running for office. But when they had to redact all that shit from the Hope and Change or whatever the fuck his website was about whistleblowers, when people, after the Edward Snowden thing, were like, hey, man, do you remember what you said? That you were going to honor them and they were an important part of the process and blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, what the fuck? And they just pulled all that stuff. It's all, it's a dance. It's a dance. Everyone essentially who gets into office has the same master they all have the same master oh no question about but i think we were saying about pot the the the thing people are going to get addicted to is the money yeah called the colorado model is so successful and i've been to washington state too and it's just spinning money for them. And I said on my show last week, they can't have a bake sale and make this money.

The state, that kind of revenue is like found. And I said and you don't have to open a casino. You know, it keeps that I mean, it's just, I don't know. I find it a lot more acceptable and progressive than building casinos and bars everywhere. Well, you know, when you see the ebb and the

tide of society, and you see, you know, at one point in time, the Republicans were the really open-minded progressive party. That was a long time ago. That was what a Republican was. What a Republican was was totally different than what a Democrat was. It was almost like polar opposites. And another thing that you're seeing today, really lately, like it seems like over the last few years, is like the people who are progressive, probably as a reaction to all the assholery that they had to deal with as a young person or all the what they believe is the slights and the misappropriation of money for war and all the different shit that they're They should be right about they should be angry about but now they're the aggressive ones when it comes to policing speech when it comes to like

Shielding people from anything that might make uncomfortable right fat shaming There's a lot of crazy talk and really aggressive about it comes from the left now. It's like they're the school marms You know? Someone wrote that on Twitter. I think Christina Summers was... I forget the tweet, but I retweeted it the other day. But it was so appropriate because it was exactly that. It's like, how did this happen? It shifted.

And then Bruce Jenner goes on TV, says he's becoming a woman, and he's a Republican. And everybody went, wait, what? Diane Sawyer's's a Republican. Mm-hmm. And everyone went wait what? Diane Sawyer's reaction was fantastic. I cried laughing She went what and then she goes you're a Republican and he goes is there anything wrong with that? She went no, no, no No, so you're gonna go to John Boehner and Mitch McConnell and he went yeah, I do it in a heartbeat and she just went

There was a take of her like you're barking up the wrong tree bro hames Well, he's a an odd case isn't he he's unique obviously yeah he's famous he's got a past he's a famous sports star there's a lot going on yeah yeah but i think for transgender people i think it's amazing oh it's fantastic two hours on tv oh yeah dedicated to this person who's decided to become a woman and then here's the thing someone people will go oh well you know what what about the possibility that what he has dedicated to this person who's decided to become a woman. And then here's the thing. People will go, oh, well, you know what? What about the possibility that what he has is a mental illness?

What? That is possible. Listen, it is possible. There's all sorts of possibilities when it comes to mental illnesses. But that wasn't my point. My point is, if he has a mental illness, and the worst case scenario of the mental illness is he wants to be a woman, and then he becomes a woman.

Right. But he's a lesbian, too. But that's way better than having a mental. He's not gay be a woman and then he becomes a woman. Right. But he's a lesbian, too. But that's way better than having a mental... He's not going to be a hetero, which was weird. No, he's going to become a lesbian. He's going to become a lesbian because he's... He's a man, right. He was using the he pronoun. Right. He wanted to be referred to as Bruce and he. So, like, he has always been a woman.

Right. So, it's very... And, you know, you're supposed to, like, you're supposed to not question that and let people get away with anything when it Comes to he she gender definitions. I guess that would be queer or whatever whatever it is Whatever the fuck he wants it to be the point being Why does first of all why do you give a shit if he wants to remove his penis or not and? Second if the worst case scenario is he becomes a woman is it really so bad to be a woman at 65 What fucking difference does it make?

At 65, anybody who fucks you is throwing you a bone. All right? Let's be honest. And that's like if you're going to become a woman. Don't rush me, Joe. Don't rush me. I'm sitting right here. If you're going to become a woman, that's a perfect time. Oh, don't.

I get what I'm saying. Stop it. Don't show me anything like that. If you want to become a woman, that's the best time when it's over anyway. I mean, would you want to be a 65-year-old man or a 65-year-old woman? No one wants to fuck you, dude. Just be a woman now. It's perfect.

And you don't even need an operation. That's what I thought was funny. We'll just call you a woman. Diane Sawyer was being pretty good about interviewing him. And then when he said he wanted to be a woman, she's like, you missed all the good years. And I thought, that's really sexist. You're a 65-year-old woman, Diane. Not only that, she's basing his value on whether or not men will want to have intercourse with him.

All of a sudden, she's using the standard that I'm sure she wouldn't want to be judged by. If I said, well, Diane, you're over 60. I don't find you as attractive as I do. You know what I mean? I thought that was really a wild thing to say. I mean, I understood it because it's a knee-jerk reactionary thing to say, like, well, you don't do that, you're not going to get the pussy, you know, like someone would say. But I also thought, you're a New York intellectual media chattering class, rich, you know, involved

person type. That was a pretty weird reaction to go, you missed all the good years, especially since she's that age. Yeah. Well, I think she has the license to say it because she's that age. Yeah, of course. But also, it's like, you know, it just highlights how ridiculous the progressive structure of language has to be.

Right, right. How it has to fall into, he can't, she can't make a joke like that to him about something like that. It is funny. But, oh, it's so sexist. It's like, I'm pretty sure that Diane fucking Sawyer isn't sexist against women. I'm pretty sure. You know, you could be goddamn reasonably certain.

No, you didn't even. You're right in what you said. And if you judge everybody by the standards that are like really super progressive, complainers will judge people by it. Because there are certain things

that people will write blogs about where you go, Jesus fucking Christ. Will you stop? Let off. Will you just stop? This is, you're being completely ridiculous.

Like, here was one. There was a fat shaming one that I tweeted the other day about Protein World. This thing that's going on in England. They have this billboard. Is it England? They have this billboard that says, you know, is your body beach body ready? Oh, yeah. I saw that.

And there's a girl in a bikini who looks really hot. And people got angry that they were fat shaming by showing this girl. So, look at this. Are you beach body ready? Yeah, then they took pictures of her and they were defacing them. Body shaming. People were running fuck off on it and stuff like that. Protein world.

No, actually, that's not true. What were they writing about? Like, those defacings, most of them were Photoshopped. Oh, really? Most of them were people bullshitting. I guess I didn't read very carefully. Yeah, well, because a lot of social justice warriors that would be really into doing something like that are incredibly socially retarded. Yeah.

And they have a lot of, you know, social anxiety. And they're not going to go out. Some of them would. But they're not going to likely go out and spray paint over this shit. New Proxen or whatever that... There's a nice gap. The... Chka-pow!

The acne cream was. Isn't this also an unrealistic, impossible body? No, it's not if you're that girl. But it's genetic. I mean, if you're that girl, it's not impossible. But it is genetic. I mean, yeah, but we're all, you know, there's always going to be the perfect looking people and everyone will always want to look like them. And then there's the whole question of

That but that's not shaming. Okay, that is impressive. That's inspiring That's inspiring and if you're a girl because you're attracted to maybe but if you're a woman and you can Possibly look like that, which is not all women. Some women have odd shaped bodies. That is just a fact We've all met women who are boxy or really wide And you know it's probably annoying to them to see shit like that But guess what when that fucking dude who plays Tyron Lannister? What's his name? The the guy the small man What is this dude from Game of Thrones? Oh, yeah, you know what is his name Peter Dinklage? Peter Dinklage when Peter Dinklage sees a fucking amber crumb Ian Fitch ad with the dude with a six-pack

You know long legs and long arms and shit. I bet that freaks him the fuck out too Peter Dinklage. When Peter Dinklage sees a fucking Amber Crombie and Fitch ad with a dude with a six-pack, you know, with long legs and long arms and shit, I bet that freaks him the fuck out, too. But it doesn't mean Amber Crombie and Fitch should stop showing twinks with six-packs to sell underwear. It's fine. It's like it's not body shaming. It's impressive. That's what it is. It's unusual.

It's not the mean. That body's not the mean. Who's got a body like that? That woman's got a perfect body. That's not the mean. That body's not the mean. Who's got a body like that? That woman's got a perfect body. That's not normal. That's not a lot of people. And she's gray. It's not fat shaming.

Here's the real fucking problem with that. Here's the real problem with what they're doing. They're selling like some sort of diet plan. Oh, is that what it was? Right? Isn't that what it is? See what it is. Protein. Well, what is it?

Is it just protein? Let's go to the actual thing itself but see we're so mad like look at that i was smash patriarchy with a hammer i scroll down and look at that look at this look at this if i had a hammer i'd smash patriarchy i found it and the hammer has feminism written on the handle look i just want to tell you, that woman in that picture is an actual woman. She actually exists. That's not patriarchy because someone wants to look like that.

She's attractive. That is a sexually attractive woman. It's not patriarchy. Yes, but we're caught up in a dominant paradigm that oppresses us at all times, Joe. If you decide to look at the world like that, you can find absolutely everywhere you go. That's why sometimes I think it'd be fun to be a right-wing conservative, because then you can just blame lots of people for stuff. Well, how about being a left-wing radical?

But I am. It's not much different. No, it's exactly the same. I have all these people I'm afraid of and all these people I fear. But you're not so left-wing radical that this doesn't make sense to you Well, most things make sense if you think about it after a while. I Just don't I think that people Absolutely would get uncomfortable if their body could never look like that and they would walk by and see that but that's the brakes

You know, that's just how that's life life hands you weird cards. And if you believe in freedom, you believe that someone should be able to sell the image of that body to stand there with a bikini and use it for their products. The product is like, there's no problem with the product. No one really did deface the boards. No, it's all bullshit. I thought I saw one of those the other day. I mean, look, some people might have done it, but apparently, according to the people at Protein World,

they had a statement. They said that they were all Photoshopped. I live in French Fry World, and it's a little bit different in my world. I am Beachbody ready in French Fry World. I'm Heirloom Tomato World. Heirloom Tomato World? Yeah, that's what I live off of. A little balsamic vinegar, a little sea I am beach body ready in French fry world. I'm heirloom tomato world. Heirloom tomato world. Yeah.

That's what I live off of. A little balsamic vinegar, a little sea salt sprinkled on top. Do you put mozzarella in it? No, you don't need that fucking cow shit. Just slice through that tomato. It's one of the most delicious things in the world. Heirloom tomatoes. They are.

They're delicious. With a little balsamic vinegar and just a little dash of sea salt. My wife really likes that. So yummy. It's beautiful. Well, tomatoes are supposed to taste like that, but those tomatoes last like an hour. You buy heirloom tomatoes from the grocery store, those bitches are good for like a day, and then they start getting all mushy.

But when you eat them, you understand that tomatoes are really a fruit. The difference between the big, puffy, watery agri-farm. The hard ones. Yeah, that can travel for weeks. That's why they've bred them that way. They bounce. They have a tough skin. They taste really bland. Watery. There's a big difference

between those and the Jersey beefsteak tomatoes. They're old genes. That's genetically modified. When people start talking about genetic modifications, guess what? That's what that is. That's what the tomatoes in the corn are. It's selective breeding. And apples. That's why there's only the corner are. It's selective breeding. And apples. That's why there's only like five kinds of apples instead of a thousand.

Yeah, right? And they're durable as fuck, too. We eat like five different kinds of potatoes here. But in South America, obviously, where the potato was invented, there's thousands of strains. They have a different shape and purple and green and different flavors and shit. Yucca. Remember, have you ever seen yucca? Yeah.

Like how much is involved in processing that and making food out of it? Oh my God. You say yucca or yucca? How do you say it? I would say yucca. Hmm. You're probably right. Yeah. If I was Cole Porter, I'd write a song about that.

You say yucca. Hmm. But you know, it's like on one hand, what is that? The humble potato? that's all the different oh yeah potatoes whoa they look really cool i mean the incas in south america and the american indians uh and on in mezzo and north america invented the horticulture and the the husbandry of or whatever you call it of potatoes and corn corn. Corn was not an edible product until the Indians started planting it and making it into something they could eat.

And they developed it. And the Incas and all the tribes that lived in South America and those civilizations developed all those potatoes and bred them. That's amazing. And so it's an extraordinary feat of agriculture. It's an extraordinary feat of agriculture. The fact that potatoes and corn basically saved Europe from starvation in that same time period we're talking about. When they were able to bring all that back from the New World, Europe wasn't doing so hot with the nutrition right around then. They didn't have a lot of vegetables that kept.

A potato is like a perfect vegetable, right? You could actually live on potatoes almost to the exclusion of everything else and not die because it has every vitamin in it. It's really rich in vitamin C and potassium, too. And D as well, yeah. Potatoes are like this extraordinary kind of...

And what do we do with it? We take the fucking nutritious part off of it and we boil it in fat. And then put salt on it. It's awesome. We're so gross. And then put it in What is it ranch dressing and then the bit and like a corn You know that the whole argument over GMO corn and everything is like GMO yeah, no And also that GMO corn the stuff that you get

for like For cattle and stuff. You can't even eat that shit. Oh, no It's like the stuff they grow for feed for animals, they grow it high in protein and resistant to pesticides and all that stuff. In that show, the documentary King Corn, they tried eating it. They grew an acre of corn. They went through the whole process through the documentary, and then they try to eat their corn. They're like, what the fuck are we growing? Isn't that horrible?

It's disgusting. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Well, that's when you find out how dangerous California's drought is. Because we always associate the heartland with growing all of our vegetables. But that's not really the case. The heartland is where we grow all the

corn. We grow a lot of different shit, obviously. There's a lot of soy. All sorts of different things get grown. But California's responsible for a huge percentage of the tomatoes, a huge percentage's responsible for like A huge percentage of the tomatoes A huge percentage of the almonds A huge percentage of the blueberries Avocados

Strawberries Oranges There's a lot of shit that gets grown in California And you find out how fucked we are with water So you realize like Oh this is a food issue for people It's not just a food issue for our food It's a food issue for people too That not just a food issue for our food it's a food issue for the whole country that's why i want to lead a midnight raid to lake mead

tonight if you guys are up for it you're gonna steal water from the vana yeah i got a truck it's pretty big i thought we could get some jugs and whatnot now i haven't thought this plan out the whole way how good is this lake mead water well it's pretty tasty it's gone it's been run through a dam so there's you know filter yeah big been run through a dam, so there's, you know. Filter, like a Big Brita. Exactly. I don't think there's any impurities. Put it in a bong, whatever.

Isn't it low? Isn't Lake Mead low as well? I feel like that was something that was a concern. Oh, yeah. All the reservoirs. The drought's terrible. This is the worst one I remember. I don't know if you lived in California your whole life.

Are you from California? No, no. I moved here in 94. Where are you from? I grew up mostly in Boston. I was born in New Jersey. I lived out here from age 7 to 11, though, in San Francisco. Oh. Yeah.

Well, in the late 70s, there was a huge drought in California. And that one was the first one that I remember really getting serious. Yeah, I was here for that, I believe. I think that was like 78 or something, right? Lake Mead may hit record low. Can you believe this? So look at the shoreline. My God.

Yeah, the shoreline is so pulled up. I mean, the marina is going to be dirt. Mm-hmm. Well, that's how Lake Travis is in Austin. Have you seen that? No. That's terrifying. Lake Travis is way worse.

Pull up pictures of Lake Travis in Austin, Texas. Because some folks bought these multi-million dollar gorgeous estates on the water of this amazing lake. And they're like, honey, we are living the fucking dream. We have a house on the lake. Look at this. It's incredible. You go out your back door. You have a cocktail.

You hear the fucking, the frogs, crick, crick, crick, crick, crick. And you're like, we live on the lake. This is amazing. Well, then the lake is 200 yards away crick, crick, crick, crick. And you're like, we live on the lake. This is amazing. Well, then the lake is 200 yards away now. Oh, right, right. They've lost most of the lake. Yeah, half a mile.

Your boat's in the sand. Yeah. There's no, it's not even mud anymore. Like, your boat is laying this mad max. What do we do about drought? How come no one's ever figured out

how to seed clouds in the wilderness? I know how to do it, bro. I know how to do it. You get all that water from the fucking glaciers that they're complaining about. Little sea levels gonna rise. No, no, no, no. You get a pipe, you put it

on the water, you take the water back. The same thing they do with oil. Look at that. Isn't that insane? These are photos, we're looking at photos right now of Lake Travis where you can see people's docks. Like that, see those houses up there? Yeah. Those houses are like shoreline houses. Like that's the water level.

So there's nothing left. Nothing left. So these houses, like, they had this big backyard. In the backyard, looked over this dock. And they would go out to their boat and just fucking jet set lifestyle. Look at me, living in Austin, Texas, like a fucking gangster. And then it all went away. The water, like, it all went away. The water like literally all went away.

It is the craziest thing to look at from a satellite photo or from an aerial photo rather because you realize where the shore used to be, there's some pretty distinct versions like that. See that looks like a river. That used to all be blue. That whole thing was blue. And they're letting that motherfucker dry out

because they pump water into Lake Austin. Lake Austin is still full. I think they get their water from the Colorado or something. The Missouri, maybe? What do I know? I'm a lake expert. But the point is, they get their water and they still make sure that Lake Austin gets water. But they don't do it to Lake Travis.

They're like, fuck it. We've got to pick a winner, and you ain't it. Look at that house on the lower right-hand side, Jamie. Look at these people just sitting there. Oh my god, that's insane. What's left of the lake? There was one in the lower right-hand side, Jamie, where you could see this big mansion that had a backyard. If you were before, you clicked on that one. Yeah, right there. Click on that one. Look at that fucking house. This guy used to be able to go out his back door right and just fucking honey I'm gonna swim and fish and do whatever he wanted to God must been amazing look at that house. It's badass house

Power line above his house gonna kill him though. I was gonna say he built it underneath the The tower there he might be a ham radio operator He might be one of those art bell motherfuckers. My wife and I, yeah, my wife and I went and looked at a house

a while ago and it went in LA and it was in a, you know, it was in a cool neighborhood on the east side and whatnot and we get there

and of course, no one has shown you in the pictures on Reddit or whatever or not Reddit, I don't know. Zylo? Yeah,

whatever the fuck. Real estate? Real estate site. One of those electrical towers like right in front of it on the street. Fuck that. And you're like, that's a little close for me to look at every day to be under. Not only that, I don't think that's healthy. It can't be.

Yeah, I think there's, like, actually... Although my hair... This might be bullshit. Then I'd have genius hair all the time. Yeah. Because it would just be... Yeah. I'd be like young Einstein or whatever.

Imagine trying to watch TV and you hear the sound of that thing outside your house. Right, gosh. Yeah. It's a weird sound, those things have. Have you ever walked by like a real big, one of those real big towers? Like you can actually kind of hear the electricity when you get close. Oh, yeah. That freaks me the fuck out, man.

Especially with people that live underneath those. Because there's a couple in Burbank where it's like that. You park your car on that street and you just hear that hum and the sizzle. And you live right underneath that. That can't be good. You look out your windows, you see your lights just glow a little. Right. Just a little bit.

Your brake light's just a little glow and dimmed out. A little glow. We better get those trees for every one of our outlets so we don't have a surge, man. Well, what's crazy is that Tesla a long fucking time ago when he was in that battle with Westinghouse, Tesla wanted to make electricity available to everyone like radio.

Somehow or another, you would be pulling your electricity out of the air. And he developed some kind of a projection method of electricity. So instead of these towers with wires that you could monitor how much electricity is going back and forth, that's how they charge you. Instead of that,

he was just going to make everything for free. Well, that's why he was shut down so hard. Of course, but yeah, that's his Tower of Power. I don't know what they actually called it, but that's what it says on the side. That's not really what it's called. But look that's what it says on the screen. Tower of Power. That's not really what it's called.

But look at that. Yeah, Warden Clife Tower. That's what it was. That was his idea. I mean, how weird was that? He was a genius. Is that good for you, though? Did they know about cancer and shit back then? What about all the cell phone towers that are everywhere that look like palm trees and shit?

Those aren't good for you either. Can't be. Well, I think those are not that bad, though, because I think those are just receivers. Oh, are they that is no they must not be received What about all the phones we used in the 90s that were this big and when you held them up for half an hour your? Teeth started to ache Surely those weren't good for us. Well. He wasn't a biology major. You know Tesla was a guy who was interested in electrics Electronics and thinking things through and figuring out machines, but biologically he was pretty fucked up He was in love with a pigeon was he really yeah, I didn't know anything about his personal life. He was in love with a pigeon yeah

He like had a love affair like a look like he would talk about this pigeon like it was a woman that he loved and He also had some sort of a strange relationship with a woman. And again, I should preface this by saying I got this from a documentary. It could be totally bullshit. And I haven't seen anything about it since. But that he wrote something about destroying, in quotes, his sexuality. Like he had been in some sort of an affair with some woman. And it was so distracting and crazy that he might have decided to get castrated. Wow.

Yeah. I remember the term destroying his sexuality. I don't remember what the fuck the... Now I'm going to have to read about Tesla. Yeah, me too. God damn it. I have a Tesla book at home. All I know is that him and Edison fought tooth and nail, and Edison beat his ass, basically,

or Westinghouse, as you say. Yeah. Well, he also benefited greatly from knowing Tesla. Didn't he want alternating current? He's the reason why we have alternating current. He wanted direct current. Tesla wanted alternating current. Right, and Edison had the bright idea that direct current was going to be better.

Well, you remember he used that fucking elephant. They electrocuted that elephant to prove a point. Edison was such a douchebag. He killed an elephant on film. Just so that everybody would think that alternating current was dangerous. How about just don't electrocute anybody with anything? Direct current, alternating current, they cooked the shit out of that elephant.

They did it in a big public place, too. Which is just not that long ago, man. Oh, no, no, no. Think about that. They just cooked an elephant on TV in front of everybody for no reason other than to show that their competitor's method of delivering electricity was inferior. Is this the video? Oh, this is fucked up to watch, man. I have a thing about elephants, man.

Elephants, they seem to be really smart. Not topsy. They are. They're really sensitive. Yeah, they seem to be really smart. Andsy. They are they're really sensitive Yeah, they seem to be really smart and they do have memories and they trust us And then you know you take this elephant and you lead it No, that's awful. I mean it's one thing if you got an elephant That's storming through villages and stomping the shit out of people and killing them

But then you got to wonder what the fuck makes that elephant so mad so here they hit it with the electricity This is so fucked up man. They cook the shit out of this elephant But then you got to wonder, well, what the fuck makes that elephant so mad? So here they hit it with the electricity. This is so fucked up, man. They cooked the shit out of this elephant. It's standing there and they're just pumping it through him. He wants to get free too. Yeah. It's really hardcore when you see it come on.

Like here it is right there. Bam. You can see it. He starts smoking. Oh, golly. That's terrible. It's so fucked up. Execution style. And he just falls over completely dead and stiff.

It's so nuts. But that was such a new thing. 6,600 volts. What year is that? Does it say? No. 1903. 1903?

1903. Whoa, 1903. 112 years ago. Wow. not that long 12 years is nothing that's nothing I wonder what they did

with the elephant I wonder if they ate it and cooked it you know you know I mean it's at Coney Island they probably just

sliced it open and had burgers I don't think they did anything with it I bet they buried it somewhere I bet they wouldn't even think about

eating an elephant which is kind of fucked up. This is the only saving grace to those people that hunt those elephants in other countries, is the villagers, who most of them have no meat at all. They get to eat that elephant meat. That's it. Other than that, you're killing an elephant. And elephants seem to be, they don't just seem to be smart.

They seem to be like these like intense social creatures oh yeah they pair up they they recognize each other after having seen each other in decades there's this crazy video of this i think it's a mother and a son or something like that and they hadn't seen each other in forever and the two elephants see each other and they run to each other and like they hadn't seen each other in decades and they immediately recognized each other they have extraordinary memories And they can smell water That's why when they're and when they roam far and wide during the drought season or whatever they can smell it and they can dig

Underneath and whoa that's insane They're highly and one of those those those? The tusks are for fighting, right? They crash into each other and duke it out with those tusks. They keep them for life, which is unusual, too. And they don't ever lose them. They don't shed them. Which would save a lot of fucking death. No kidding.

If only elephants shed their tusks, they'd be killing them all the time. People would want them every year. They would want to keep them alive, because an elephant alive would be worth way more. And you just get the sheds. You don't have to saw it off. Right. Just let them fall off. And you could have, like, when they have deer sheds, like, if you go to a forest any time, like, near the spring, when deer start losing their antlers, you just find them and pick them up.

Nobody got hurt. And you can take them and pick them up. Nobody got hurt. And you can take them and people use them. They make jewelry with them and shit. And they do all kinds of different things with them. But it's this hard, bony fucking thing that grows in a year. So if you see a moose and they have this enormous fucking paddle, these paddles on the side of their head. I mean, they're huge.

They grew that this year. And they're going to grow a new one next year. Really? Every year they grow one that big? Yep. Wow. Yeah. That enormous.

Like the size of a door. Oh, yeah. Like that door to this room that is not preposterous. The spread of it. No, no. They're huge animals, and they grow that entire thing

over the course of like a month or so. Wow. It just grows out of their fucking head. the next year will be bigger and next year It'll be big like this moose right here. This is a moose. It is a small antlers This is like a young moose It's only a few years old when they get like six and seven Then they have these giant get bigger and bigger and bigger because as they get older and they get larger and more Dominant because they continue to eat their horns actually get their

Antlers actually get bigger so they can show bitch And they come out you know this huge like that's the thing that scares off the other males Yeah Elephants were like that man. They would be so valuable You know and be so endangered if moose like if moose antlers were valuable the way elephant tusks were moose It'd probably be mostly wiped off the face the earth But instead they're valued as like a renewable resource because it's more valuable to keep the moose alive so that they have more moose And eat them then just kill them all and cut off their fucking antlers yeah it's sad as shit man that seeing that um that rhino that just

went extinct yeah essentially extinct i mean there's one male left and two females the male won't breed and the female is too uh apparently she's the one female is um she's too weak to accept him on top of her right because you got to think yeah I am rhinos are enormous So he's got to get on top of her to fuck her and they're basically saying this is it you're looking at the last three Yeah, these rhinos good night, and I think his horn is actually cut off so that it's not valuable, right? I think there's an image of that see there's an image like the last remaining rhino right they Cut their horns off to keep people from poaching them.

To keep people from poaching them. For their fucking horn. It's what, China is it that wants the rhino horns? Yeah, they don't know about Viagra over there. They're still looking for tiger dick and rhino horn. Dude, it's called Sialis. You go to the store, you buy it. It's expensive though.

So what? They make it over there. It's cheaper. Look at him. Yeah, his horn's buy it. It's expensive though. So what they make it over there. It's cheaper look at him And he's got yes his horns hacked off. That's crazy both of his horns are hacked off unless they just wore him off Is that possible it is but I think they probably cut him off because they're and he's in a preserve yeah The Oh pazita conservancy in Kenya what a crazy animal that thing is though What do you think about all the variation that nature has to offer.

The difference between a ground squirrel and an eagle and a rhino. Look at that thing. There's a famous one they brought to Europe in the 1400s and Gere did an etching of it and it's inaccurate because he'd only heard about it. But it was a very famous

painting and it was a very famous rhino and they turnedred it all around europe and then it finally croaked but everybody had to see it because no one had ever seen one before wow and uh i can't remember the name of it i don't know you'd have to look up medieval rhino or you know jurors rhino they found rhinos in the congo they found rhinos in the actual jungle and they had only been like a legend because they're they're more plains i was gonna say i thought they lived on the veldt or whatever but what happened was the climate shifted around the congo so rapidly that plains became became tropical rainforests all around them wow that's a sketch yeah that's a drawing by Durer. What year is that drawing, Jamie? Wow.

1514? And that elephant he was told about. That's incredible. And it toured Europe. It was a famous elephant. I mean, rhino, sorry. So he was only told about that. Yeah, so you can see how it's not anatomically accurate.

He's kind of thrown in the feet and the way the scales work and everything. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely a little different but damn yeah pretty fucking good this was like a sensation in the early 1500s in europe people were like losing their shit over what's the other one the yellower one up up top jamie yeah what is that one is that the original version of it whoa i love that shit what's the i love looking at like the original version of a drawing like that. That's just amazing.

And those are his... See, again, we're talking about... His scribbles. Right. The artist's touch. His notes all through the bottom. Yeah, look at that. His handwriting.

And people had elegant handwriting back then, too. Look how much writing he's getting in at the bottom of that page. Yeah. And I don't know what... I'm assuming he was writing in German in the 1500s. I don't know if it's in Latin. Look at how he writes the name rhinoceros. Rhinoceron.

Right, that's Latin. Sounds like a transformer. Like there's one of them, yeah. That sounds like a transformer. Rhinoceron. Rhinoceron. Autobots. Well, this area of the Congo

where they filmed these rhinos, they had heard about it from the locals. And they were like, what the fuck are they babbling about? There's no rhinos don't live in the jungle. And then they finally found them. And it took a while before they realized that the climate had shifted. And these plains animals were just stuck. Because almost immediately, this rainforest just grew around them over the

course of like, you know, a few thousand years or a few hundred years even. I don't think it was very long. I think it was actually 2,000 years and these animals got stuck there and some of them adapted. Right. And one of the really curious adaptations was this animal called a duiker. It's like this little tiny antelope that can now swim underwater up to 100 yards. It goes underwater. They never had to do that before.

They used to just run around. They would run. So now this motherfucker can swim and eat fish. So animals can adapt over time like that. Yeah. And they eat fish. Right. And what do the rhinos do?

They're jungle rhinos. They're jungle rhinos. So you're saying an antelope type animal eats fish? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, that's learned behavior, right? Well, most likely. But you know what they've been finding out lately is that deer eat birds.

Do they? We didn't know about it. Look at that. That's a... Oh, Jesus. Whoa. What's it eating? A frog?

A frog. There's a diker eating a frog, little monster. Wow. I know you think of a deer. You think of an antelope. They're not carnivores. Well, you definitely don't think it's going to go eat a frog. You got to catch a frog, you know? I mean,

frogs don't just let you grab them. I know. You gotta go after that little fucker. So that thing, there's, um, these videos we watched on one of the last podcasts of, uh, deer eating birds and people didn't know that they did that. I didn't know. So you just now told me. They didn't know until, like, this year.

Like, this is, like, they used to think that, like, you know these these birds that would die the ground nesting birds or birds that fall out of trees that they would get eaten by like coyotes and stuff see all those birds coming after the deer it's because the deer is eating a bird and you can see it like really clearly as they uh get close to it the people who are filming this were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and then as time went on they realized this deer is following this bird around trying to bite it.

See? See the bird on the ground? Oh my God. Yeah. And so it's following it. See, it's chasing it. And then finally when it gets it, it bites it and starts fucking up this bird and it's chewing it alive.

And it's crazy to watch, man. I mean, it's not just accidentally stumbling upon this. No. It's going after it. So it keeps stepping, keeps stepping, and finally it gets a after it so he keeps stepping keep stepping that finally it gets a hold of the bird and just starts fucking that bird up and eating it and apparently look see it apparently that's what they do they eat birds and we have made them these benign grass eating gentle creatures no they eat birds alive and while the bird is squirming and trying to get away, they give zero fucks.

They have a cold-hearted bird-eating demeanor about them. Wow, who knew that about deers? Yeah, isn't that crazy? There's some really close-up. Oh, God. There's some close-up ones. There's a bird-eating duck. I've got to eat duck later.

Let's not. Birds are rude as fuck. We can stop anytime you want, sir. Oh, okay. Stop. Let's wrap this bitch up now. You want to wrap it up? Yeah, I do.

Is there anything you need to talk about other than the book that's fucking amazing and I have a copy of it? Did you sign it, please? I'm going to right here. I'll sign it right now. What's Kittens? What is this? This must be for Brian.

That's my. You did not leave that shit. Brian can have it if he wants. It's my mascot, Kittens McTavish. You have a mascot? Well, kind of. It just sort of organically evolved over the show. All right. I'll keep it. That'll be my bookmark. Is have a mascot? Well, kind of. It just sort of organically evolved over the show, but we embraced it.

All right, I'll keep it. That'll be my bookmark. Is it a sticker? It is a sticker. I would put it on my laptop, but a lot of times I have to go to the airport, and I don't want any gay rumors. You know what I'm saying? Wow.

I'm glad that you presume that a kitten makes you gay. It's not a giant orange cock. But if I wanted to be less gay, put it right there on there. Let me think. That's awesome. See? He likes it. Brian likes it. Well, look at his fucking laptop. It's covered with pictures of himself What yeah cats on there and shit all sorts of stuff? I have stickers all over my I need more stickers. Okay. Let me sign it to you John. Fuck yeah, and

Where can people buy this great? They can go. Thank you for asking, Mr. Joe Ogun. They can go on gregproops.com. Shazam, bitches! Or you can go to smartestbookintheworld.com Booyah! You can pre-order it. It comes out on May 5th, but you can pre-order it now if you wish.

And, Greg Proops, you can see his live podcast. You can actually be in the audience For some of those fuckers right How do people get to that You are so right They can go on GregProops.com I'm gonna be in

See I put a heart in it too So the gay rumors will keep swirling I like them I'm gonna be in Brooklyn On the 7th I think May 7th If you think. May 7th. If you go on gregbrews.com or the live events on the book thing, I'm doing a bunch of podcasts across the country.

New York, Chicago, Philly, Seattle, Portland, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and book events as well in all those places. Boom. And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, you're awesome. Thanks. It's always fun. Thanks for having me on, Joe.

What a gas, baby. A stone gas. These shirts were made by... These are the astronaut shirts, if you guys know what happened. There was an astronaut that got in trouble for wearing these sexy lady shirts. Oh, you've got the hunky hung men of the night one. Yeah, we tried to

balance it out, so she sent us a gay one. So, uh... Or a female one that women can wear. I guess it would be more female than gay, right? It doesn't have to be gay. If a woman wore that, I would be questioning her taste a little bit. Would you, for real? Well, I'm questioning Brian's right now, but I understand he's just trying to get

in the spirit of the thing. He's just being a silly goose. Something wrong with him. A lesbian trapped in a guy's body. Something's trapped. The scientist got in trouble. It was actually his friend Ellie that made these shirts and she sent them to us. So thank you, Ellie. Oh, they're lovely.

Thank you, scientist dude out there. Thanks, America. That's it. Thanks to the world, okay? I'm not a fucking xenophobic. I like everybody out there. See you soon.

All right. Bye. Awesome. Thanks.