The Joe Rogan Experience - #644 - Brad WIlliams

Episode Date: May 6, 2015

Brad Williams is an actor and stand-up comedian. Brad has a new special airing May 8 on Showtime called "Brad Williams: Fun Size" and he also hosts his own podcast called "About Last Night."

Okay, we're live! What's up dude? How are ya? I'm doing fantastic, my friend. Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. What the fuck? Yeah, a meeting... If you told me six, seven years ago that I was gonna be on the Joe Rogan podcast, or the Joe Rogan show, I would have told you no way in hell. Well, it didn't exist, so... Well, you're right. That too.

You'd have to go to Colorado, you'd have to find me. You'd have to go, dude, I got an idea. There's this thing called podcasting. You're going to love it. There's no way. I would have thought I would be doing this either six, seven years ago. We're in the same boat. Love it, man.

There you go, man. We were talking the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight before he came on air. Did you actually watch it? Yes. Yeah, I watched it. And as he came on air. Did you actually watch it? Yes. And as a fight guy, what were your thoughts on it? I'm sure you've covered this already, so I'm sorry if you're going to make me repeat things. You know, I'm not

in the minority. I actually enjoyed it. Really? Yeah, I enjoyed it from a technical standpoint and two guys who are the best in the world trying to figure each other out. Yeah. And now, do you think that as a guy that knows the fight game, you can respect defense more than your average fight fan?

Well, definitely more than my wife. Oh, my God. She was saying some retarded shit. She was saying, you should have to get knocked down in order to win. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, that way it would at least be exciting. Make them go for it. So like guaranteed concussion.

Hearing shit like that, she's so ridiculous. Like some people, I kind of get it. She's not a fight fan. So for her, watching it is just boring as fuck. It's just two dudes not hitting each other, and then when one dude gets close, the other dude grabs him.

Yeah, like I love watching hockey on tv that's like my favorite sport to watch on tv and hockey is notoriously awful right on tv and people hate it on tv i love it because i played for like five years when i was a kid so like i recognize that they're setting up plays i right recognize strategies and stuff like that so when i'm trying to explain to people that they're setting up plays. I recognize strategies and stuff like that. So when I'm trying to explain to people, they're just like, this is stupid. They're not scoring. I can't follow the puck.

I'm trying to tell them the ins and outs of it. I'm sure the fight game is like that for you. Do they still have that thing where they follow the puck with a circle? Did they try that for a while? They tried that on Fox. It turned slap shots into a comet. It just had this red trail behind it. Really?

Yeah, and, like, it was supposed to get, like, the casual fan into it. But it's like, no one is going to hate hockey and then see a comet trail on the puck and go, well, now I'm in. I got this now. Well, they've done some weird shit like that with football, right? With graphics. Well, the amazing part is that I was a huge fan of the XFL. If people remember the XFL, that was Vince McMahon's thing. And then a lot of the stuff that they did is now being implemented into the NFL.

Like what kind of stuff? Like the overhead camera that is on strings and that follows the game from the top. That was XFL. That was XFL. Uh, that, uh, that was XFL before, uh,

trying to make, uh, I mean, they tried to make kickoffs more exciting until like all the concussion stuff came, uh, came out. But yeah, like there's a few things and certainly making it more Vince,

at least recognized that it would be more fun if there was like complex storylines and like you You knew like the soap opera of it much like he did for wrestling So now you see the NFL and it's the world's greatest reality show like they like they follow the guys Off the field and like they get into their lives and now it's what the XFL was We're like they're trying to build up rivalries And you know what players actually don't like each other, and who slept with whose wife, and things like that. You know, the problem with getting into the NFL's life,

like getting into the player's life, is you're trying to pretend that these guys are not these savage gladiators who are just smashing people every day. And you want them off-field to be these sweeties who are baking pies and hugging their kids. No, it's like you don't get a guy like Ray Lewis without him. Did you see the video of him pleading to the people of Baltimore going, violence is not the answer.

That's my whole life, dude. He's so intense. He's like, yeah, okay, so if violence isn't the answer, move out of your mansion because that's what built that mansion, was violence. That's how people know who you are. Yeah. You're super violent. Yeah, that's like you and me saying, like, don't tell jokes.

Yeah. Stop it. Wasn't he on trial for murder? I mean, that's pretty violent. But he didn't really do it. It was like one of his entourage. He was an, or allegedly, accessory to murder. Allegedly.

It was kind of like the Snoop Dogg thing. Right, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, he's a football player. Like, when you see, like, these fighters or these football players and you see them doing ridiculous shit and people get all surprised, it's like, you can't ask them to be anything other than what they really are. Exactly.

And if you want that result, you want that Ray Rice result, you're going to get a Ray Rice. You're going to get that happening. Which is not saying we condone it, but it's just saying don't be surprised when it happens. Well, you can't all of a sudden in 2015 start putting cameras on these guys and following them around

and expecting them to have exemplary behavior. What they're good at is when the fucking play starts, they're good at getting shit done. Right. You know, and the way you do that is through violence, explosive athleticism. Yeah. Smashing into things. Fucking diving through mounds of enormous steroided up dudes.

Yeah. And then with so much testosterone boiling over. And then when Richard Sherman gives an interview last year or two years or two years ago when he's like why the thing crap she could be put on me crap she's a punk then they start getting mad at him like how dare you talk to Aaron Andrews like that a petite white woman and you're just getting angry why are you so angry because he just played football for an hour that's why he's angry and that's why he's good at what he does. Yeah, the idea that you wanted him to take it from 10 all the way down to 1 again.

Right. And then just come off like he's an Oscar Wilde player. Like, well, as we were on the field to battle, might I tell you, it was quite an interesting route, that one. No, it's not going to happen. Those guys are going to be too intense. It's not fair. I mean, everybody wants everything sanitized. one. No, it's not going to happen. Those guys are going to be too intense. It's not fair. Everybody wants everything sanitized.

We want the purity of the sport, but then we also want it to be fan-friendly. We also want it to be easily absorbed by the casual person who's watching it. You know this because you've had to interview guys right after they fight.

After they've just been punched in the face. That's literally You know this because you've had to interview guys right after they fight. Yeah, they're fired up. After they've just been punched in the face. And that's literally the most testosterone probably that can run through your body in a three-minute period of just getting revved up. And then Joe Rogan comes in and puts a microphone in. Explain what happened out there. And then they expect these guys to get a complex thing. People wonder why athletes, they get mad that they always have those textbook answers, like one game at a time.

I was just doing a play at a time. We're going to go back and we're going to examine. They have those scripted answers so they don't have to think about giving those answers because they can't in those moments. Not only that, a lot of people are just not that good talking on camera. Like that's something you got to get relaxed at. We forget because we talk for a living. Yeah.

And like, that's what our normal is. Our normal is talking in front of a bunch of strangers and being funny on a moment's notice, rather be in an interview or a radio show or a podcast, whatever, just, hey, flip the switch, go. Right. The average person does not do that. Like when they have an actor give a speech at an award show and it's like something crazy happens and they have to be spontaneous. It's like, no, they're actors. Yeah. Lots of times they can't do that. Yeah. A lot of them can. And some of them can, like one of the best interviews ever was Mickey Rourke when he won some Golden Globe or one of those fucking, whatever the name of the award. I think all awards are stupid.

I don't pay attention to any of that shit. You faked it better than this faker. But, I mean, people do great performances. Absolutely. But he did this amazing speech where he was just so loose and relaxed and talking all kinds of crazy shit it was like one of the best speeches ever and it was it was fun because he seemed like real comfortable in his own skin yeah despite all the craziness that that guy's been through and yeah yeah it's always and that can

go either way like people either freak out with the honesty of that person or or it's really refreshing it is it yeah this is it it was a spirit award that's what it was i mean it was really what's really crazy too is like you see him in this video and we'll play a little bit of it and then you see him now like now he looks like an old gypsy woman he's gone crazy and doctored his face up and there's actually an image that says gypsy mickeyourke, old gypsy woman, and that's exactly what he looks like. Listen to some of this.

Thank you all very much. Look, he's so happy. I just want to say one thing about Eric Roberts. Eric Roberts is probably the best actor I ever worked with, and I don't know why, in the last 15 years, ain't nobody given him a chance to show his shit again, because whatever he did 15, 20 years ago should be forgiven.

And I wish there was... No, I'm goddamn serious about that. Eric Roberts is the fucking man. Love it. That's just one part of it. Then he gets loose. Like I have... Like I got, he deserves a second chance.

And I wish there'd be one goddamn filmmaker in this room that would let him fly because the man, he is something else. Thank you, Eric. Okay, it's a no-fault, Eric. Eric will probably be arrested by the end of today. Anyway, and that little blonde dude that did that thing i'm gonna beat your ass when i get out of here but you're right he's very loose he's just like whatever nice to be presented but it gets it gets better like he gets two thousand three i don't know what you do honey but these two are real these two are really good uh and, you know, I've just gotten thousands of letters and shit from my people, strangers and people that know me about my dog that died six days ago.

Loki, Loki. This is what people who don't have kids do. They get all torn up about their dogs. Right. And I just got done talking to the Santa Monica Police Department. They gave me a bed to sleep in ten years ago. And I thanked them for, I asked them for two pillows. They told me to fuck off.

But anyway. It's like this kind of a speech. Yeah. This is right after he did The Wrestler. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah. Which, damn, that was a good movie. I told people in the past,

directors like Darren Aronofsky come around every 25 years, the same way like Chimino, Coppola, Parker, Adrian Lyne, all the rest of them. And I said 25 years, and he whispered in my ear, 30. And the only thing I want to say to any young actor or any actor that gets an opportunity to work with Darren, you better be in shape, because he will break you down. He is one tough son of a bitch,

and he don't like it when I say that, because he goes, Mickey, you'll scare all the other actors away from me. But, Darren, you know what? If they ain't got the balls to bring it, then fuck them, you know? Anyway, I want to thank... I love this guy.

Yeah, but now, okay, so go from there and look at the image of him now. Pull up Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman. Just Google Mickey Rourke, old gypsy woman. I just always wonder, like, what the fuck happens to dudes

or women or, you know, like that gal, what the fuck's her name name Renee Zellweger right that's not even it no no there's that one right there yeah this one look at that Wow what is that she I said she I said she on instinct I just like he he looks like his name should be Mildred right there like just it's that whole like everything's crazy about that. The wig is crazy.

The face is crazy. It's like, poor bastard. Pull it back so you can see his hair. He's wearing this crazy hair piece thing. And is he trying to look like an old gypsy woman, or is that just him? No, he was at the fights. He was at the UFC. And he was upset at one of the decisions, and that was face that he made but he's done something to his lips apparently

You're right. He looks like the character from the Stephen King movie thinner that Gypsy woman that like rubbed her hand on the face like CNN Yeah, yeah, that's her Wow so well I mean him and Bruce Jenner could hang out and just talk shit I don't think he's trying to be a woman though. I think he's not going crazy I mean that's what you do you think like that's what this business does to people that as they age like rather be Renee Zellweger or

Mickey Rourke or now there's some pictures out there I think of I think it's Uma Thurman where it's like Uma Thurman's gotten Think they did some plastic surgery. I think she did some plastic surgery to her and it's just something where You're built up as like sort of either a sex symbol or whatever for so long And then it just goes it starts to fade away, and then does that fuck with your head? Yeah I mean I would imagine I mean someone described beauty as a short-lived tyranny. And I think beauty is like a really hard one because some women, they go from being unbelievably desirable and then through no fault of their own, just father time, they become monsters.

Yeah. Whoa, what's going on there? What did she do? Oh my God, what did she do? She pulled some stuff back. She doesn't look like her. No, she looks like she's a character from that new movie Ex Machina. Whoa, that is weird, man.

Right? That's weird. What did she do? I'm trying to figure out what she did. Is that just her wearing no makeup except for lipstick? I have no idea. I'm not, believe it or not, I'm not a plastic surgeon.

Well, I feel like if you added, see, one of them has all this eye makeup on and the other one doesn't. That's a big thing with gals. You ever see a woman who doesn't have eye makeup on and you always see her with eye makeup on and then one day you don't? You're like, who are you like who are you?

Who are you yeah? Oh? You're a fucking different human the uh Huffington Post and you might want to pull stars Yeah, yeah, the porn stars that makeup thing yeah that blew my mind That's a trip because then you see these girls without makeup like with the makeup on they are Goddesses and you just see him on the screen. You're like holy shit. That's like the ideal And then you see him without the makeup You're like oh, I know eight girls from Riverside that look just like that. Yeah, it's nuts Yeah, you could do some amazing shit with makeup if you're a chick. Yeah, only like there's there was also a story about a dude He's makeup artist. He like he's he's I think he's a black guy and he showed that with makeup

He could look like Kim Kardashian. And he put makeup on his face and at the end of it you're like, yeah, that let me grant it looks like a Madame Tussauds like wax museum Kim Kardashian, but that's, you look like that. Like you created that and then his face without it is not like that at all, obviously. Yeah. Looks are a weird thing, right? It's like you didn't ask for it. You didn't work for it.

No. And just boom. Like, it's that old debate. Would you rather have all the looks and then slowly lose them? Or would you rather be like Jason Alexander that looks the exact same as he did 30 years ago? But he's going crazy, too. He's wearing a toupee now.

Is he? Yeah. Jason Alexander put a toupee on. He's like a walking episode of Seinfeld. There was an episode of Seinfeld where he wore a toupee. It was really awkward.

It was really obvious and now he's kind of trying to do it. I mean, I don't blame guys to do the plugs or anything like that. I don't blame them. Hell, Wayne Rooney, the soccer player, did it, and everyone knew that he had plugs, and he's like, I don't care. I got hair now.

I did it, but you know what happens, man? First of all, you get a scar in the back of your head, so I have a permanent smile on the back of my head, and then second of all, the rest of your hair falls out. The way I described it is like taking healthy people and moving them into a neighborhood where everyone's dying. The other hair falls out.

It's like they haven't figured it out yet. It's like lips. Like when girls get their lips done, you don't want to be an early adopter of that. You don't want someone fucking with your face permanently. Yeah, this is the, I think, is it the Bill Burr bit? What is that? Bill Burr has a great bit about this where he's like, yeah, just wait until they fucking fix it. Like, wait until they get it right. Like, the people that are going into plastic surgery right now.

Like, wait. Yeah, but they can't wait because they're 50 and they're like, fuck, you know, I just want to look 37, you know? It's like, you know what, there's people, what? Some doctors nail it, though. The other problem is some doctors can do a really good job of making you look a little bit better. It's those guys that go crazy. It's also like a girl like Uma Thurman, I mean, how much shopping around does she do for a plastic surgeon? If she even got plastic surgery or the other one, Renee Zellweger. do they just go with someone they could trust like do they know do they ask around i mean and and that's the thing is we talk about all the ones that went wrong because the ones that

went right we don't know there's like oh they look great a ton that went right right i mean i don't know who but like christy britt she says she never had anything done she's like 61 or something like that she's still hot as fuck. Yeah, I don't know what that is. Genetics, hard work, good diet. You see Sophia Loren, even when she was 65, you're like, yeah, well done. Good for you. Well, who was the other one?

Raquel Welsh. She's like deep, deep into her 70s, and she's still hot as fuck yeah it's weird it's just it's just the genetic lottery I guess or what totally that like you know cuz hey some people are born and they've got like the natural like boat like Bo Jackson where they say like just natural athlete like God-given talent Herschel Walker just did push-ups and sit-ups his entire damn life. Supposedly. I'm not sure I buy that because he also said that he only eats like a salad and soup the whole day. The whole day.

Which doesn't even make any sense. And he also has multiple personality disorder, trauma-induced multiple personality disorder. Wow. So who knows which Herschelist is telling you that. Yeah, one Herschel might be doing roids and squats. What do you mean? If anybody can talk about genetic lottery, it's you. Yeah, no kidding.

Yeah, because, I mean... For people who don't know, people aren't listening to this. A lot of people are just listening to this. Yeah. You know, explain. I am a chondroplplastic dwarf and that's the type of dwarfism that I have what does that mean because there's over a hundred types of dwarfism whoa yeah cool cuz it's a genetic mutation so you have

slight differences in how and how the gene changes so there are literally some dwarves out there some little people that it's only like one of three people the entire world that have that specific type of dwarfism One of three in the whole world what are the differentiations well like okay for me? A chondroplasia is what I have it's the most common type of dwarfism Mine is characterized by small arms small legs prominent buttocks. I love that one prominent buttocks enlar enlarged forehead, collapsed nose bridge, average-sized torso. So, like, when we're sitting down, we're making eye contact right now.

Right. Yeah, but I'm 4'4", you're 6'1". 5'8". Yeah, you're 5'8". So, yeah, but there's some dwarves that have a completely different body type, like Verne Troyer, who played many, many Austin Powers movies. He's got dwarfism, but it's a completely different type of dwarfism. When that guy was on that celebrity, what was that show?

Oh, Surreal Life? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that was so sad. I do a perfect impression of him drunk when he's pissing in the corner. He made a noise. El, el, El. Is he still alive?

Yeah, he's still alive. That guy seemed like he was drinking himself to death. You would think. I mean, hey, he's still ticking, man. That's amazing that he's still alive. It's hardcore for a guy like that, too, because he goes and he gets this big movie he becomes a celebrity like almost instantaneously yeah and then after that it kind of dries up yeah and you know no one

wants to see him hump a laser anymore so now what you got and it's weird because i i saw that and when i was trying to enter show business that's one of the reasons why i love being a stand-up comic because no matter what i can always go on stage and talking from an audience and be funny I can do that and there's only a few amount of people that can actually do that so as long as I got that skill I'm good I don't have

to wait until a producer says yes I'll put you in a movie yes I'll put you in a TV show well to answer your earlier question I think that's what makes people go crazy out here. Like, does the business do it to them? What goes crazy is that they're not in control of their own destiny. Yeah. So if they do have any sort of success whatsoever, if anything does take off for them, it's like, they're like, oh, it's happening.

It's happening. It's like, it's all out of their control. Right. You audition for things. You get the job. You're on the set. It's like, when is this going away?

And you got to cultivate your career. So they have to be very careful about the things that they say. Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, I mean, that's,

it's one reason, like, like I said, I love being in comics. I, no matter, no matter what, I always have that.

Cause yeah, I've had, I've had a ton of auditions for TV shows that I haven't gotten thanks Peter Dinklage he's amazing he's changed the game he's so fucking good he's the he's the main guy yeah that show he's the dude and it's the biggest movie ever the biggest show rather ever yeah and that show is one of the most impactful shows ever, and a dwarf is

really the big guy. And I love that, and the fact that yeah, they talk about him being a dwarf in the show, but it's not the focus. I love that it's just like they talk about it every now and then. He bounces it off, man. What's beautiful about what he does and his character in that show

is he utilizes it to his advantage, and he lets people underestimate him because of it. Yeah. And Lord knows that's true for anyone that has dwarfism. No one thinks that we can do certain things, or they're just not sure. Hell, when I played hockey when i was a kid like the coaches on the other team would tell their players all right don't hit brad we don't know what's gonna happen wow like i don't know if they thought like they would hit me and i would just like

explode into candy or something like that but they're like don't hit him We don't know he could summon a spell like I don't know what they thought but yeah like like people people underestimate hell the first time I ever went on stage I got on stage because Be because a guy was just like well, you're a dwarf That's that's funny enough, and then I went on stage and started telling jokes and like oh shit You know you actually have jokes you actually prepared for this yeah awesome when did you what was your first uh time on stage how long you been doing it i've been doing it uh 12 years uh and i've told this story on a couple radio shows podcasts before but uh i'll tell it just because it's a very interesting tie-in with you is uh i was in the

audience of a uh carlos bencia show and he's on stage making midget jokes in the audience of a Carlos Bencia show and he's on stage making midget jokes. Half the audience is laughing. Half the audience that's sitting by me is just like like just kind of pointing over like and he notices that and he looks over and he goes why aren't you guys laughing? And he actually said

the sentence, what is one of them here? And I just raised my hand. I was like, what's up dude? And he didn said the sentence, what, is one of them here? And I just raised my hand. I was like, what's up, dude? And he didn't even flinch. He called me up on stage like, holy shit, I got to talk to you. And I'd never done stand-up at that point. And I walk on stage. He started asking me questions.

And the answers I gave got laughs. And that's when I was like, oh, wow, this is what I have to do for a living. Wow. So Carlos Mencia did do something good in this world. Yay! One good thing happened. That's amazing. Yeah, that's why I said at the very beginning, like if you told me six years ago that I'd be sitting with you, I'd be like, no way in hell.

Because there was a time, and I talked about this with Red Band on my podcast when he came on. There was a time I hated you guys. I absolutely hated you. And I had never met you guys before. But, you know, it was like teams. You know what I mean? It was like, this guy's trying to take on my boss and my friend. What's up, fucker?

Well, I get it. I get it. He was helping you. Yeah. But you had to know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, everybody knew.

But the things that he would do for me I can never repay the man enough because he literally took me from being Nothing like an open mic er cuz what cuz what happened was is I got bit by the bug I started doing stand-up about a year and a half later. I showed up to one of his shows and he I showed up to one of his shows and he and he Recognized me and he said like dude. You're the guy did you start doing stand-up? And I said yeah, but doing about a year he goes okay. Well, let's uh, let's get you up on stage Let's let's have you open up my show tonight

Let's see let's see what you got and that's whole like I put you up there cuz you're a dwarf anything That's funny, but then holy shit you got jokes and when I came off stage after doing about five minutes he goes wow um do you want to be my new opening act like right then and there and I was a I was a junior in college I was going to USC I had a year to go to graduate and uh I dropped out I dropped out to be his opening act and I was his opening act for four four years that's first of all way better job security if you're funny than ever whatever fucking career You know yeah put together well like yeah, well like that and people tell me they're like Oh, but you were going to college like what were you studying stop? I was a communications major so calm down I wasn't curing cancer even if you were a doctor you know hard doctors have to work unless you like obsessed with being a

Neurosurgeon or something right right right. Right, right, right, right, right. Fuck that job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so glad that other people do it. So dumbasses like me don't have to. Well, you know, a guy like Carlos, even people that do bad things, like people that have bad ethics, they're not always bad. No. You know, there's a lot of gray in this world.

And that's the reality of life. And he took me on the road, and when we were on the road, he would pay for all my travel. He would pay for all my meals. If we were ever going shopping, he'd say, hey, whatever you're getting, throw it on my pile. I'm good. Like, he took great care of me, and it's funny because, I mean, like, I still consider him a damn good friend. But now I'm friends with you. Like, I'm friends with Burt Kreischer I'm friends with Jay Moore like I'm friends with all these guys you're a fence rider Brad Williams yes I don't pick a side whatever

that's good man you don't have to you don't have to I have friends that hate other friends sure yeah I have I have a lot of acquaintances like that. Yeah. The people that can't deal with that, they're babies. You know, if you really need all your friends to be on your team, like, throw the fuck up. Yeah, some people aren't going to like each other. That's fine. And if you have fans, and I'm sure you have fans that will never like me because of my association. That's not true.

Those guys aren't really fans. Oh, okay. Fucking punks. But, I mean, that's fine true i mean those those guys aren't really fans okay i mean fucking punks but and i mean that's fine that's so that's okay that's okay if you think that the term fan is weird anyway right right i have i hate it i hardly ever use it it just seems odd it seems like you're diminishing a person it's like people that like you that's what they are there you go you call someone a fan it's like all of a sudden like there's a there's like a different tier there's you and then there's them there's you and. You call someone a fan, it's like all of a sudden there's a different tier. There's you and then there's them.

There's you and then there's the fans. Right. Right. It's weird. Yeah. Whenever you label things like that, they're just people. There's a lot of bands that I like. Well, I'm a fan of a lot of musicians and now I'm friends with them and it's weird.

Yeah. And when I started doing comedy comedy that started happening a lot like i was a fan of people and then you know like once you get past a certain level and that level is pretty much just open mic or once you get past that level you meet like everyone is like if you're in new york or la you run into everybody yeah so now i'm friend like i'm friends with Dave Attell, which is weird because I love Dave Attell. He's so damn funny. And then I started talking to him, and now I get an email from him every now and then. It's like, holy shit, Dave Attell's emailing me.

But I can't have that moment. I've got to go, no, this is your friend Dave. This is not Dave Attell, the comedy god. I still get those. I still get those when I talk to Anthony Bourdain. Like, oh, this is my friend. How weird. Joe Perry was on the podcast.

Every now and then, Joe Perry texts me, and I'll show a friend. Like, fucking Joe Perry. Yeah, like Joe Perry's texting me right now. How odd. And it's been said a million times, but I can't emphasize enough that it's true. The people that you put on pedestals are still people. No one is this being of all power that's higher levels. They're all people. Everyone is a person. Even the most brilliant people on earth are just people. And one of the

things that I've found is the most successful people, the most interesting people, people that I truly enjoy talking to, they don't expect anything different. And as soon as someone does expect something different, then they stop being cool. Then I don't like them anymore. I can't just talk to you. Now you're fucking weird. Yeah, now I have to make an appointment.

Like, I was at the Hollywood Improv, and Paul McCartney was there. Yeah, I was there. I was there that night. He was there two different times. Really? Yeah. He loved, I guess for a while, he just loved coming to see comedy. And I got to talk to him very briefly, but still.

But he had, like, a guy that kept trying to drag him away. And he kept looking at, like, no, no, no, it's all right. It's all right. Here, let me talk. Let me talk. Who's the guy? Whoever. Some fucking handler.

Like, handler, whatever the handler whatever the agent maggot yeah it's just like paul we gotta go we gotta go and paul told him no and like took the time and that's literally the most famous person on the planet he's right up there right he's got to be top five and and he's taking time to be like no i'm gonna give this guy his moment and i don't know if it's just because he's a great dude maybe he understands that I'm Paul McCartney and if I talk to a guy it's gonna make his life I think he's just a normal dude when I watch them talking to people He just seems like a guy who is a great artist, but it's just a human being Yeah, that's exactly what he seems like just a human being man. So yeah, it's

It's cool when you realize that and you it's cool when you realize oh yeah i can just talk to whoever and and when uh people in show business or whatever athletes that you look up to like i have fans that are musicians that i like and you know like now it's like wait they watch that they watch yeah of course they watch that TV show. They listen to that podcast. They consume entertainment just because they're a human being. Well, that's also the cool thing about podcasts is that podcasts, these long form conversations with no interruptions, they give you insight to a person. You're like, there's a lot of people listening to this right now that feel like they're sitting in here talking to us

just hanging out because that's what we're doing we're just hanging out it's not that radio thing where it's like alright you have a four minute break and so you gotta you're like peppering you're pretty much doing your act because you're just trying to get as many jokes in as possible so people come see you

and wherever comedy club you're playing it's like no this is an actual conversation where you actually can dive into uh how people tick and what people's thoughts are it's also those four minute breaks they fuck with the flow that's why i don't break up right when it gets going ever with come with commercials i just do in the beginning in the end i don't yeah and i get all these like really juicy offers to do them in the beginning and the end. I don't, and I get all these like really juicy offers to do them in the middle. And I'm like, it just fucks with the flow, man. You can't just stop a conversation. Like I'll do Adam Carolla's podcast.

I love the dude, but he'll be like, well, that's funny you say that, Brad, because real greats, man greats, you know, man great. He'll just start talking. You're like, oh, are you doing an ad? Oh, he's reading now. Yeah. Okay. All right.

I guess we're not talking. And then you have to sort of build up this conversation. I think it's also one of the reasons why I like doing these really long form conversations because I always found when I'm talking to people when we're alone, I'm having a really cool conversation with someone. It takes a while to sort of get cooking. And then when it gets cooking, everybody sort of relaxes and settles in. Then you really kind of understand who that person is right yeah you know um now uh red band told me

something when he was on the podcast uh when he was on my podcast called about last night what's up plug uh that i that i want to ask you about because he said there was like a meeting at some point or you brought something up uh during the whole feud wars thing call whatever you will where you said let's let's steal men see his midget no he's so retarded that's so not true that was a that was a fucking sketch from the man show oh really yes it was a sketch he's so confused His memory sucks so bad. I was hoping there was a meeting. It was like, let's deal. We definitely didn't have it.

We might have joked around about it because it was during the same sort of time period. But we did a sketch Stanhope did on the man show where he went out. Oh, look at the devil. There he is. Came in at perfect time. We're just dissecting one of your bullshit stories. Oh, no. What?

We just came in at perfect time. We're just dissecting one of your bullshit stories. Oh, no, what? There was a sketch for the Man Show. Okay. Where Doug Stanhope was trying to steal the Man Show midget from those guys. From the guys, Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel show. Right, right, right. And it was a brilliant, brilliant fucking bit.

Yeah, it was art. Yeah, Doug did some great shit on that, and that was one of them. Okay. And so, I mean, maybe we said, you know, we should do that to Mencia's buddy Brad, but we definitely didn't have a fucking meeting and plan out stealing one. We didn't have a meeting. I didn't say it was a meeting. I just said it was.

You said there was a conversation where you were like, let's steal him and see his face. Dude, we get high. We talk about, would you blow a unicorn if you knew you could live forever? Yeah, absolutely. We've had some pretty ridiculous conversations. First of all, the answer is yes, but... Yeah, if you could live forever. But I don't know, man.

You might not want to live forever. The more I... As I get older, I'm like, who... You know, if you weren't alive, you would never expect life, right? Right. Because you wouldn't have any expectations. You wouldn't be alive. Now that you are alive, you would never expect life, right? Right. Because you wouldn't have any expectations. You wouldn't be alive. Now that you are alive, you wouldn't expect what happens after life.

We're just guessing that it's nothing. Right. You know? And I'm not saying that it's a bunch of dudes in the clouds with a harp. Sure. But it's very possible that whatever the fuck consciousness is, is not native only to this space. Right. It's not restricted only to this space right it's not it's not restricted only to this existence

It's very possible that whatever you have whatever's going on when you dream Whatever's going on when you take mushrooms well, whatever's going on when you die They might be very similar things your consciousness might be some sort of energy that moves on to some new plane of existence That might be way cooler than this Body that we're all trapped They have a it's a theory if the theory holds true that there's an infinite number of Universes who knows that you just don't hop to another universe and say all right. There's your shot again go again No, no, who knows that's not what happens every time you wake up It's very possible that every time you wake up you are in a different existence. I blow my mind already

I had a crazy dream about that last night. I had a crazy dream last night that was I had DMT trip in my dream, which I've never had before. I'm new to all this, but DMT trip during your dream, that's sort of meta, isn't it? Because isn't DMT kind of what makes you dream?

Supposedly. That's all theory. But you never dream a DMT trip. DMT trips are way more intense than a dream because you're flooding your brain with this chemical that's native to your brain. But the idea being that when you're sleeping, there's times when you're in heavy REM sleep where you're not conscious where you do visit these same realms. But I've never remembered it before.

Not like last night. Like last night, I've never remembered it before. Not like last night. Like last night, I was in there, man. It was really, really, really intense and very strange. But it was essentially, it was this dream was in some way telling me that what we're doing here right now, that don't get all crazy about this don't get crazy about this life don't get too fixated on it because it's really just one piece of some sort of infinite mandala of existence and just like that was the the entire dmt trip in my dream was it was relaxed relax it was like somehow another coaxing or coaching rather me to relax and to understand that like all the stress and all the weird shit that people have in their brain.

Like the more you can like settle that in, the more you can, ah, the more you can exist in, in like a real peaceful state where, where this is like your real self. You're just constantly being inundated with all these different ideas and stresses and different things that you're trying to accomplish and different things that you're concentrating on, worrying about, concerned about, that you anticipate in the future. But all these things are bullshit. And that was the dream last night. It was very, very strange. Wow. Were you on the new mood? Was It was very, very strange. Huh. Wow.

Were you on the new mood? Was it the 5-HTP? No, no, I didn't take anything. I just went to sleep. I mean, I took some AlphaBrain during the day. I don't know if that had anything to do with it. I've been taking that ZMA again. I just got a new bottle of it.

And that shit really does fuck with your dreams a lot. Because ever since I got that bottle every night, I haven't had dreams until I got that. Well, it's zinc. Zinc ups your testosterone. It ups your sperm production. It probably has a lot to do with... And then it probably helps you sleep, too. I think it relaxes you.

It helps you sleep. See, this is the stuff I know nothing about. So I'm fascinated by all this stuff. I'm fascinated by all this stuff. Like, just how, and you're, because you've done so many things in terms of other levels of consciousness and things of that nature. I've never even done mushrooms. So, I'm like. You should go to Shroom Fest.

You should do Shroom Fest with Ari Shafir in the desert. They do it every year. He's been trying to get me to go. Why don't you go? I would love to go. Like, I've had. Why didn't you go? How come you haven't gone so far?

I've had such bad experiences on drugs. What drugs? Just weed. Ooh. Just weed? I've had such bad experiences on drugs What drugs? Just weed Just weed I've had bad experiences Like what kind? Like panic attacks Anxiety attacks That's the good stuff then, you're getting good shit Oh god That's this podcast, pretty much every couple weeks

All of us going to a panic attack Oh fantastic, yeah There was one time, it was my birthday In Vegas And I was severely dehydrated, and on top of that, I took way too much of a pot cookie and passed out at the Rio, like, next to a slot machine. Like, just collapsed. Like, it was like a marionette-er just dropped the puppet strings.

That sounds awesome. the puppet strings. That sounds awesome. The weirdest thing is that first of all, it's Vegas so people walk by, they see a midget passed out in the Rio. They're like, oh, that's a new exhibit. Oh, that's funny. Now, are you getting anything out of it?

Like, did you, like, when you had that experience and you have this panic attack, after it's over, do you experience anything positive? I wouldn't say. The only positivity I had was because I went to the hospital and they pumped me so full of fluids that I felt so good afterward. I was so hydrated that that felt amazing.

So they gave you an IV at the hospital? Yeah, they gave me an IV. Why were you so dehydrated? I got a massage earlier in the day and I didn't't, like, take, and it was, like, the deep tissue stuff. What? And, like, that, like, really sort of, like, you need to drink water after that. You need to. Wait a minute.

And I didn't. That's definitely not going to get you that dehydrated. Somebody rubbing on your skin? What are they doing? Ringing you out like a dishcloth? Yeah, exactly. Well, hey, Joe, I'm very tiny. He only holds a bottle of water.

That doesn't make any sense, exactly. Well, hey, Joe, I'm very tiny. He only holds a bottle of water. That doesn't make any sense, man. I mean, to be honest with you, I don't know. When they tell you after a massage to drink a bottle of water, most of that's bullshit. Really? Yeah. What they're trying to tell you is that you get your toxins out of your system. Drink the water and you get toxins. Your muscles are releasing toxins. Your body's fucking processing toxins with your system. I know that the whole toxins, your muscles are releasing toxins.

Yeah. Your body's fucking processing toxins with your liver, right? You know what happens when you get your, your muscles rubbed, it breaks up your tissue a little bit. It's, it's massaging soft tissue and it loosens things up and it makes you feel

better. You should drink water anyway. Sure. You know, water is good for you, but I really don't believe that, you know, when you get a massage, it's releasing toxins.

I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but I just don't see how it could. I've never heard of it. Just someone rubbing your body. Yeah. I've never heard a doctor say that. There's toxins that are released when you have very strenuous exercise. Sure. Like, that's why those CrossFitter people, they get that rhabdomyelosis.

I think that's how you say it. CrossFitter people, they get that rhabdomyelosis. I think that's how you say it. Rhabdo is when your kidneys start failing because your kidneys can't process. Yeah, your muscles are breaking down and your kidneys can't process all the toxins and all the fluid. Yeah, it's very dangerous. And it was really rare up until this CrossFit sort of craze. But now when people go to the hospital and they find that they're having kidney failure and they have this rhabdomyelosis or however the fuck you say it. And they always ask them, are you doing CrossFit?

Because CrossFit, they're trying to get people to do like, you know, 50 fucking clean and presses in a row. And, you know, they'll have competitions with each other. You're pushing your body way past like a each other. You're pushing your body way past a workout limit. You're pushing your body to the point of real failure. You talk to a guy who's done CrossFit for 10 years that doesn't have some significant fucking injuries, like significant back injuries, significant muscle tears, or something along those lines.

I'm really glad you're saying this, Joe, because now I can have a legitimate reason to not do CrossFit and not just that I'm a lazy fuck. Well, my good friend is Steve Maxwell, who's this really world-renowned strength and conditioning coach, and he's worked with a lot of high-level MMA fighters. He was one of the first Americans to get his black belt in jiu-jitsu, and he's just this great guy and knows so much about martial arts

and knows so much about strength and conditioning and health, and he fucking hates it. He thinks that what CrossFit is, he says, you're doing a competition to lift weights. He's like, unless you're doing a power, when you watch powerlifting, they do that once. It's like a one lift thing yeah like when you're doing a bunch of them in a row like what his take on it is that weight lifting should

be to strengthen your body for sports strengthen your body for competition right and when you do a competition of weight lifting he's like it's kind of ridiculous it kind of defeats the purpose of strength and conditioning in the first place like doing strength and conditioning as a sport He sees like it's kind of silly. It's like it's supposed to help sports. It's not supposed to be the sport He was okay Yeah That makes sense the peening there's other people that have a similar criticism and their take on it is that when you see these big? criticism and their take on it is that when you see these big compound movements like like olympic cleans and presses like these are full body movements those are supposed to be done with

low repetition because once well a few times maybe you know maybe a couple but you're not supposed to engage those muscles like that like over and over and over again to the point of failure because you're taking some big fucking risks right you're putting really heavy weight over your head you're you know you're throwing your back into this sure cleaning it and well yeah you've seen all the youtube videos of people like dropping the weight on their necks or like or like some people lose their bowels while they're doing the weight lifting i can only be so lucky. Yeah. I've seen those videos. So, yeah, like, I mean, and shocker, I'm not a doctor, but that just doesn't seem right. It doesn't seem like your body should be doing that.

And then the other side effect of CrossFit is that when you meet someone, the first sentence out of your mouth is, I do CrossFit. Yeah, that's usually people just starting to do it. You know, it anything else people just start to do jiu-jitsu people just become a vegan you know people just got into yoga they all do the same shit people get into something they can't shut the fuck up about it i've been guilty of that too oh sure vegan crossfitter has to be the worst vegan crossfitter yeah wow yeah that'd interesting. It's just one of those things where a lot of people are doing it, and there are benefits to it. There's benefits to any kind of exercise. You're raising your heart rate up.

You're getting your body to work. Your body's going to break down and recover. It's going to get stronger because of that process. There's a lot of benefits to it. It's just I'm very skeptical when I know so many people that do it, and they're all fucked up. Like Eddie Ift is all fucked up like Eddie if does all fucked up his back It's a wreck. It's all and he used to totally be I love crossfit. I love crossfit now. He's like fuck crossfit He's really a podcast for that right? He's out of it now like he's out of doing CrossFit. He has this CrossFit podcast

Oh, it has to be the most amazing podcast in the room Well for well for crossfitters it is because it's just an hour and a half of talking about crossfit. Yeah, they're probably jerking off to that, like, yeah. What's your workout of the day? Well, today I do box jumps. I'm lifting up a trash can with kale in it. You know, there's probably good to it. There's some good to it.

It's like everything else. You've got to know, like... Everything in moderation, right? Yeah. I mean, you can run an ultramarathon if you're fucking crazy, but you can only do them like once every few months Yeah, yeah at all if at all I have a friend in his Anything that makes of his ran an ultra marathon and she had kidney failure that was so bad You could take your finger and push it into her arm

And it would stay like the dent would stay and then it would like slowly come back up like she was made out of Remember she was Armstrong. of remember she was Armstrong Yeah, she was like like human memory foam hydration right from your kidney because that's inflammation She's damn good massage her kidneys were failing so her body was swollen like everything was all fucked up with fluids It's just like it's not good. No my friend is going through a kidney failure right now. She had she just got lupus and She's getting all these infusions and stuff like that is kidney something that you you have to them right so you can get rid of One and live an okay life with the other one fairly okay, yeah, but it's gonna be compromised Yeah, and they'll probably a moment where you might wish you had to right is it can you think you have to be really careful?

About like dehydration and drinking drinking yeah you know yeah our mutual friend bean from the Kevin and Bean show has one has one kidney does he what what happened to him he donated his kidney to a friend of his oh that's awesome he's a sweetie he is I love that dude he's a he's a big Seattle proponent to talk to that guy I love you moving up to Seattle. He almost got me that fuck. Dude, I've got two friends that are like that. I have Bean and then I have my podcast partner Adam Ray. He's from Seattle. I fucking love Seattle. I just don't love cloudy weather. That's all. That's all I don't love about Seattle. I love the restaurants. I love the people. I think it's a smart town. It's less materialistic. It's less focused on just plain looks and attention and all the bullshit that comes with this town. Yeah, that you characterize for Hollywood. I mean, we're kind of out of that loop because we're comics and we hang around at the store. We're barely in that loop you know but god

damn every now and then I dip my toe into it like I'll go to a restaurant and I'll see paparazzi in front and people that are like just all that horse shit it's just so stupid mind numbing the most annoying part about the whole LA scene for me is talking to someone and

while I'm trying to make eye contact they're looking around for the next person to talk to. Oh, there's certain places. If you go to certain places, that's all anyone is doing is looking for famous people to walk in. Yeah, and then they're going to go talk, like, okay, I'm talking to you now because you've done a few things in your life

but the next person that walks in is going to swarm. I guess I kind of get it because it's sort of like bird watching. Like, ooh, there's a blue jay. You know? I mean, who gives a fuck if a blue jay shows up? I mean, they're kind of get it because it's sort of like bird watching. Like, ooh, there's a blue jay. You know? I mean, who gives a fuck if a blue jay shows up? I mean, they're kind of pretty. But if Jennifer Lopez walks in like, yeah, her ass is great.

Look at her. How old is she? 45. Farts, dude. So you're like, oh, there's the rare Brad Williams. A dwarf. Small, funny. Wow!

Oh, look over there, Joe Rogan. Larger. Larger of the species. Oh, this is weird. So Brad used to be Joe Rogan. Larger, larger of the species. This is weird. So, Brad used to be friends with Carlos. I wonder if he's still friends. And they'll still have this fucking, they'll have these debates and wonder, ponder. No, man, you know what I heard, man? I heard they had a falling out.

There's certain people that are experts on, like, celebrity relationships and friendships. Those people are fucking disgusting. Those people, well, she broke up with him because she found out that he was text messaging his ex. How the fuck do you know? You don't know. You don't even know about your own life. Right. You can't even

fucking clean your car. Yeah, Jamie. Whoa. Shots fired. I wasn't talking about you, Jamie. It's him. I didn't mean you, Jamie. Yeah. That's funny. What, right after Jamie just went pale on us. He looks about it all morning.

Hey, he's a fucking, he's an enthusiast. Yeah. That's how I look at it. Like, sometimes I'm mad. I'm mad that, like, the tweets that I throw out there that get, like, the most retweets and favorites are, like, Kim Kardashian jokes. That's gonna happen. I hate the fact that that's how it is.

Like, sometimes I write, like write a tweet where I'm like, oh, this is a good one. This is a good joke. This is a fun one. Did you guys see that the fucking director of X-Men, he quit. He quit Twitter because of all the mean tweets that he got. Makes sense. And it's all

from social justice warrior types. All these people that are angry, they're calling him a sexist and an ableist and transphobic, like all this crazy shit. This guy calls himself a feminist. I mean, he's like a really sweet progressive guy

and he got attacked for the way he portrayed Scarlett Johansson's character in the movie. It's so fucking crazy, dude. Yeah, like well it was that whole thing where what was it the Chris Evans and They got attacked because they called a fictional character. They they saw it

Yeah, they called Scarlett Johansson's character a slut. They're like that's that's slut shaming Slut they're like that's that slut shaming If I call the Easter Bunny a cocksucker are you gonna come after me be like well, that's just gay bashing No, it doesn't exist. There was somebody Got this one guy who's like a famous social justice warrior. He's such a twat Yeah, and. And he was typing in all this shit and putting all these tweets about X-Men, ultra about it being violent, all these different things like,

do you know what the fuck you went to see? It's X-Men. You went to see a goddamn comic book movie, you dork. You didn't go see Anthony Hopkins in Remains of the Day. You're seeing a fucking X-Men movie. He was comparing it to... It was really hilarious, actually. He was comparing it to war and the attitudes that we have on the military invasion of other countries.

The use of aggression. What the fuck are you talking about, man? Isn't that a guy you block on Twitter? Who takes this guy seriously? He blocked me. He blocked you? He blocked me. I won't mention like he takes this guy seriously he blocked me i won't mention his name he's like candy man i won't mention his name he's such a dork he showed you joe but uh he blocked me without me even mentioning his name i don't mention any of these guys names anymore because i feel like a lot of these guys this is why i know that they're attention whores because all of their posts are complaining that's all they're doing is complaining.

You're not creating. Not only are you not creating, you're not contributing, you are just fucking bitching all the time. What a miserable cunt you have to be. We live in an amazing time. You can get video on your phone. You go outside, you hear birds chirp, you meet people, you hug them. And all you're doing is complaining about a fucking cartoon movie.

A cartoonish comic book movie as if somehow or another this is the degradation of the moral fiber of our culture. And the degrading of women and dehumanizing. What was their message behind the Hulk smashing a Mercedes? Is that that we need to not buy foreign cars? No, it's because it looked fucking cool. Cunts. That's it. It's cunts.

The world's filled with cunts. Someone gave me the best advice I ever got for being in show business is, Brad, just remember, nobody cares about you. That's not true. That advice sucks. I love that advice. I love that advice. No, and not-

We're fucking with you. Your parents tell you that? Every day of my life. No, I love that advice, not for the fact that nobody cares in terms of no one like loves you or anything like that But a lot of these people get in their own heads, and it's very It's very narcissistic where it's like oh this person tweeted this so this offends me Or how does this affect me or this person didn't book me on this show so he is mad at me It's like or there's 22 million comics in LA and he didn't book on the show that week calm down

Okay, you're talking about totally different thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're just talking about people who are just egomaniacs I'm completely obsessed with themselves. Don't be that yeah. Yeah advice. Yeah, can you make some tea man? I got some fucking crazy flam going on here. Yeah Like I've got a comic friend of mine, and she told me, she's like, I don't know, I'm really stressing over the fact that some people said something about my Twitter avatar picture, and I think it's holding me back in this business. I'm like, no. Holding me back in this business.

Shut up! No! Okay, you're just talking to idiots. It's not. It's not. It's not. No one's going to hire you and then looks at your Twitter avatar photo and says, I can't hire that person.

There are people that do believe that, though. There's people that believe you have to have the perfect headshot. You have to have this and that. I don't even have a fucking headshot. I need to get one. You want to get them together? No. I mean, I kind of have a photo that I use for Twitter.

That's my profile picture on Twitter. That's probably kind of a headshot. But when people say, oh, we need a headshot for a club, they use headshots that are fucking 15 years old. I've got to get new ones. Anything with hair is old. Yeah.

The San Francisco ones. Yeah. I've been to clubs. They're like, and then Joe Rogan's going to come here. And then they got you with hair. I'm like, um. With a leather jacket on from the 80s. Yeah, it's just fucking.

It's basically like your news radio promo pic. You're like, really, dude? You couldn't find anything else? Well, there's just so many fucking, you know, there's so many people out there that have ideas of, like, what you need to do as a comic or an actor, like, what you need to do. And it's because they're trying to figure out themselves. So part of it, they're trying to, like, justify their own choices with you, you know? Or, you know, I just feel like this is holding you back, or I feel like this is holding me back, and they're trying to figure it out, so they're talking they just

Just put it out there. Just so hopefully they come up with the answer yeah, yeah, they're exercising their own anxiety man Yeah, fucking nutty bitches The world's filled with nutty bitches Brad. That's really what's going on I would wholeheartedly agree Joe Rogan this poor fucking Josh Whedon guy, or Joss Whedon. Yeah. How do you say it? Whedon. W-H-E-D-O-N.

How do you say that? Whedon. Who is this person? This is the guy that directed the X-Men. I read some of the tweets and holy fuck did they go after this guy.

Yeah, but if that happens to me all the time and you just block it, you don't quit Twitter. Why would you quit Twitter? Why wouldn't you just block that shit? Because you're tired of assholes.

Yeah. I think when it becomes part of your day to go through your Twitter and like, okay, block, block, block, block, block. Like when that becomes, when it's adding stress that you don't have to have. And Joss doesn't need Twitter. He directs movies. He makes a ton of money. Good for you. Well, I think that sometimes it's great.

I love Twitter. I love communicating with people online. It's just you take a risk that you're going to run into cunts. And if you only run into... My opinion on the amount of people that suck is it's a very small amount. But if they're a vocally active, very small amount. If you look at some of these people

like we were talking about the social justice warrior guys, that guy had fucking 15 tweets about X-Men. And I'm not bullshitting. 15 tweets about how horrible it was, and sexist, and ableist, and all this different stupid fucking shit. If you are one person,

and you have all these comments on the horrible nature of this one particular thing, it's like this guy runs into that, and he, you know, he's fucking tired of it. He doesn't want to deal. There's a, I mean, it's strange because all these social media platforms, like you say, they're unbelievable in terms of the fact that you can communicate with anyone. You could get, because before you didn't know how to get an access to someone that you were a fan of or that you watched on TV.

You wouldn't know how to do it. You've got to go through a publicist. You've got to write a fan club. You didn't know what to do. Now you can instantly say something to anyone and they have a good possibility of seeing it. That part is unbelievable. But then you have so much else that comes with it where now because people have that voice, now they feel like people need to hear their voice constantly in whatever topic that might be. Rather be, I got offended at this personal thing.

Everyone needs to know I was offended by that. Everyone needs to stop and acknowledge. They're trying to get social points. So when they're complaining about something or calling something sexist or calling something homophobic or whatever they're doing, sometimes they're complaining, but oftentimes what they're doing is they're trying to show you that they know that something's bad, which makes them of a high moral fiber. Yes. They're trying to show you that they're a very moral person with really strong, intelligent opinions and that these assholes, these Neanderthals that are ruining the world, they're below them. I get that because I say the word midget a lot, and that is apparently a horrible word. Dude, you got a fucking green light to say midget like I got a green light to say guinea,

okay? If anybody gets mad at me for calling Italians guineas, you know my last name is Rogan. I am mostly Italian, so fuck you. And if you don't think they're guineas, you need to meet my fucking relatives. I'll show you some pictures of some grown men with gold chains. Okay? Like, yeah, but I get attacked all the time for saying

the word midget in my act, and it's just like, and people say like, aren't you concerned about the message that you're sending, that this word is okay? And I was like, why is it bad? I'm still trying to figure out why people don't like that word. Well, I don't know.

I think it's a language police issue. There's people that try to get rid of bossy. Remember that? Oh. They tried to get rid of bossy a couple years ago. Yeah. They gave it a hard push, too. And everybody went, fuck you.

No, that's enough. Yeah. And everybody went, fuck you. No, that's enough. Yeah. I think we need to do that on a lot of people complaining about certain words that we can't say. But that shows you. Like, why would anybody want to get rid of bossy?

Is bossy really so strong? Didn't they say it was sexist or something? They're saying that they use the word bossy to describe women. The women that are powerful or women that are strong and in charge that they're bossy and that you're Demeaning them and trying to marginalize them in some sort of way and you know women are like get the fuck out of here Yeah, he's banned bossy when a little boy asserts himself. He's called a leader yet when a girl does it She's risked being branded bossy words like bossy send a message Don't raise your hand or speak up. By middle school, girls are less interested in leading than boys.

Listen, man, there's a lot of that that's social. There's a lot of that that's learned behavior. And there's a lot of that that's biological. And that's a fact. And that's why it exists in almost every culture. There's very few matriarchal cultures. Very few cultures that are run by women. And that doesn't mean that women are less than men.

That just means that you've got to stop trying to make everybody even. Because we're not even when it comes to child rearing. We're not even when it comes to breastfeeding. We're not even when it comes to nurturing. We're not even when it comes to emotional intelligence. Women are superior to men in a lot of ways. Absolutely. And, you know, if you try to make everybody the same, you're going to have a fucking bullshit world that doesn't exist.

Right. If you say, like, I think there was a story recently about a woman firefighter that got hired just because, like, they needed a woman firefighter. And it's like that you're going down a slope where it's like if i'm stuck in a burning building like hey if she can if she can run up there granted i don't weigh a lot but so if she can come up there and throw me over her shoulder and get me out of there just as fast fantastic awesome i want her there then but if you're just trying to fill a quota, if you're like, well, HBO Sports just did something where it was like,

there's not enough blacks in baseball. Like, there's not enough black people in baseball. We need to get more black people in baseball. It's like, well, if the Dominicans can throw faster and hit harder, that's who I want in baseball. Fine. You know what, man? Why are you forcing it?

I think there's certain issues with sports where there is some sort of segregation, where there is some sort of discrimination. And I don't know that that's one of them. I don't know if they're trying to keep black people out of... I bet polo. I mean, how many fucking black people

are playing polo? You might want to look into polo. You know? Yeah. Well, cricket is a lot of people of color, because a lot of Indians, people in India love cricket, man. They're like some of the best cricket players in the world. That was that stupid movie where they recruited cricket players to come over to America to pitch.

Yeah. Remember that stupid movie? John Hamm. It was like a love story, because there's a guy and a girl, and he was struggling trying to get it together. And the fucking girl and him fall in love, and the Indian guys helped him. You know what? I'm going to start my own campaign. There's not enough dwarves in baseball.

There's not enough. How about any sport? Yeah, we're not represented. There's none in the NBA. Yeah. What the fuck, Joe? What the fuck, NBA. What the fuck, Joe? What the fuck, indeed. What's wrong with my people?

And then if you say, like, when transgender people get into women's sports, if you don't support that, then you're a piece of shit. Yeah, you got a lot of flack for that, didn't you? Just the fighter thing. Just the one about the woman. I'm pretty much cool with it in almost every other way.

We did talk about that woman who used to be a man who's six foot six and 50 years old is playing college basketball, which I think is ridiculous. First of all, because she essentially has given a redo for her whole life. She already used up her college credits. You can only play college sports for so long, but the dig is, or the loophole is, you can only play college sports as a man. Now, when you change your name and become a woman, now all of a sudden you get a whole new college sports career. What? Yes.

So this man lived as a man, played sports as a man, lived to be 50, got a sex change, which I'm fully in support of. This is what I want to say right This is super important I'm not in any way saying that someone shouldn't be able to do that But what I am saying is when it comes to athletic competition You got a 50 year old man playing fucking college basketball again 18 year old girls if that's your daughter Okay, and your daughter she can't perform to the best of her abilities because it's unfair because you have this giant fucking man

You know who's now a woman who's 50 right who's been had full testosterone? For 47 fucking years or whatever the hell it is before she became a man Yeah, or became a woman like that's crazy like yeah, you're that's where sensitivity and progressiveness goes too far But at least then no one's getting hurt. Right. Where's the fight game? Yeah, that's what I had a huge fucking problem with, and still do, and most people do too.

And by the way, a lot of fucking transgender people have an issue with that. The people who don't have an issue with that, or have an issue with me, are the super progressive, ultra-liberal, social justice warrior types. That they don't have a dog in the fight. It's not even that, man. They want the opportunity to call someone a bigot. They can't wait.

They just can't wait to get upset. They're just looking for the opportunity to call someone a piece of shit. I was, because there's actually a surgery that you can have to lengthen your limbs. Yeah, I've seen that on a thing in China. It's rough. Fuck, dude, it's freaky. It takes forever. Yeah, it takes forever.

And you're in pain. It's literally, they put braces on your arms and legs. Every day, you turn a little crank. And that crank separates your bones by a millimeter. Well, they cut your bones, first of all. They cut your bones and then they put this crazy brace with these screws on it. They did this guy in China who couldn't get a girlfriend and, you know, changed his height from like 4'11 to like 5'3,

but it took years. It took years. And the guy was in agony. Every day you're breaking your arm and leg and then the bone grows and regrows overnight. And, like, we were talking about the Bill Burr bit earlier, where it's like, hey, just wait until they get good at it. Fucking wait until they get good at the limb lengthening surgery, guys. Holy shit, because I've seen the people.

There's no other alternatives, though. I don't like that. I would never get that. I would never get that. I do not need to ride a roller coaster that bad. But let me ask you this. If they could do it, like, say if they could do it and it was a one-time thing, it took a year.

I had ACL reconstruction. That took like six months, and someone said, oh, man, I wouldn't even get the surgery. I'm like, but I go through the six months, and then my knee works again. Like, if someone could do that, if they could give you a surgery, and you would be in pain for like a year, but after that year, you would be, you know. Five, six, whatever. Yeah, whatever.

See, that's a really interesting question. First of all, I would have to write a whole new act. Would you, though? Well, I mean. You could write an act about how you used to be a dwarf. Yeah, exactly. You'd be in a crazy operation. Right, and this is right and for a year

You're why poppin pain pills like tic-tacs. I mean if that surgery existed and it was I could take the pill and or whatever and then just be Five foot six the next day and not because now the guys that have that limb lengthening surgery They look like you've had limb lengthening surgery. Oh, really? Is that weird? Yeah. I see a photo. Well, the mechanics are all wrong. Your shins are longer than your upper thigh. Yeah. So it just looks

like you look at someone like that and you're just like, he's off or she's off in some way. Well, there's a natural sort of like, when you look at a person's body, there's a natural distance that most, I mean, you have people that have some extra long arms or extra wide shoulders or extra long legs, but generally speaking, it looks fairly normal.

But then some folks, they get this surgery and what they're doing is they're taking your shin bone and they're stretching that bitch out. So your shin is like, you know, an extra couple inches longer. Yeah. That's not funny. It takes a long time too, right? So your shin is like you know extra couple inches longer. Yeah Now did they do anything with time to rent? Did they do anything with like the snail dick and the spikes and stuff like that you guys wait snail dick and spikes? What are you talking about? What the fuck? Oh? It's just like a stereotype about dwarves that doesn't necessarily exist do you have a normal sized dick I?

Was saying that what the fuck What what so my cock is like a medieval weapon Why would you say that like it's normal? Why does that make sense to you? Oh, yeah. Yeah snail dick with spikes You're not even qualifying. It's so lazy But to to answer your question, yeah, snail dick with spikes. You're not even qualifying. It's so lazy. But to answer your question, yeah, I would probably do that. I'd probably, because there's health things that I'm going to go through, that I'm already going through,

that your average-sized people don't have to go through. Like what kind of things are you going through? Like I've had a surgery on my legs because my legs were bowed, and so I had to have surgery on them to, like to straighten them up because they were unhealthily bowed. I looked like I was a fucking croquet wicket. And then I have back problems now. Granted, everyone has back problems, it seems like, because my spine, I've got not scoliosis, but what is it called? Stenosis?

Yeah, where it's curved on the very bottom oh no cuz stenosis is a short like a shortening of the nerve canal okay probably something different yeah I've got something where my spine curves at the bottom there's a lot of little people that have breathing problems I'm thankfully not one of those but yeah there's a lot of dwarfs that have back surgeries like create like neck surgeries And also, these necks are holding up these ginormous heads that we have. Yeah, I would imagine there's a mechanical difference between that. Yeah. When you have the surgery for your legs, what do they do?

I had what's called a dome osteotomy, where they carve a dome shape into my bone. And then they just move the bone. They just kind of, you know. Wow bone and then they just move the bone. Like they just kind of, you know, and then they just straighten it up. And I had to be in a wheelchair for about like eight months. But, uh,

yeah. When did you have that done? Junior high. So right when you're trying to get cool, I was in a wheelchair. It was awesome. Wow. That's fucking crazy.

Yeah. And, and I've been lucky. Like, like the fact that I've only had essentially one major dwarf-related surgery, that's pretty rare for a 31-year-old little person. There's a lot of us that have more surgeries than that. So in that way, yeah, I would absolutely do the magical surgery that made me not.

It doesn't exist. Yeah, it doesn't exist. Jamie, see if you can find that piece that they did on people in China that got that limb-lengthening surgery, because it was really disturbing. This poor guy, he wanted his face blurred out, but he was just talking about how he was hoping that he could get a woman, that someday a woman would talk to him.

Dude, I'm 4'4". I get laid. It's fine. Yeah, but you're a comic. That's the difference, man. You're funny.'re a comic. That's the difference, man. You're funny. It does help. That's a lot, dude.

We've all seen some pretty ugly comics that have hot chicks. Absolutely. You're like, what the fuck? Why is everyone looking at me? You're not ugly. You're just a slob. Thank God. Thank God.

Is this it? Bone stretching. Yeah. So this is it, man. Yeah, this is the piece. Crank this up. It's from Nat Geo. If you play it, it? Bone stretching. Oh, yeah. So this is it, man. Yeah, this is the piece. Crank this up. It's from Nat Geo, so if you play it, it might get us. If you play it, like the volume?

Yeah, just play the volume of it so we can listen to it. Wow. Tallness is a word? Fucking sizists. Tallness. Isn word? Hm. Fucking sizists. Tallness. Isn't it height? Yeah. Oh, there it is. Oh, there's girls getting it done. And they're not even dwarfs.

Ooooooh. Oh, God. Oh, fuck me. Ooh! Fudan is given a local anesthetic, which means he will be awake for the two hour long procedure. Oh fuck me. No. Holes are drilled into the bone. That's a drill. The system of braces is screwed in place. They may look medieval, but they are the key to stabilizing the leg. Nope.

Oh my goodness. Nope. The shin bone is severed at the end. Whoa! He's doing it with a wire saw This is insane they're hammering into this guy's shin yeah, well this guy's awake This is definitely something you're gonna look back and go, that's medieval. Like, yeah, 20 years from now. God.

And hear what he says here. Nothing is more gratifying for patients and doctors than the day the braces come off. My bad. For Wang Li, after a process that has taken one long year, that day has finally come. Wow. Look at this shit.

This time, it's the operation in reverse. First, the struts are removed. has finally come. Whoa. Look at this shit. Out of their legs. They're taking them out of their legs. What? Oh, do you? Oh, God. What? I don't see that. How much't see her in a bikini. How much taller is she?

Four inches. Wow. It's all four inches in your chin. In your shin. Inches. That's it. Not a foot. Here's homeboy.

Yeah. That's it. Now, when they say four inches, it's all four inches in your shins. Like, imagine if your shin grew that much. Right? I mean, that can't be, like, your shin can't maintain the same amount of strength and, like. Well, it definitely can. I mean, it's going to be bone.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all bone. I don't think that's the issue. I think the issue is, like, the mechanics of your body are going to be different. Especially if you do any kind of sport. It's like you're standing on stilts right you know just just a little extra there Yeah, why would you just get four inches put on your shoe? You know instead? He wants to be naked and taller Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean, but like that's the part that like that whole process. We saw a two-minute clip

Yeah, that's a year at least or like between 8 to 12 like 8 to 14 months of doing that for four freaking inches Well, maybe she could do it their upper leg and get eight inches Maybe a freaky ass legs. Oh, and then do it on your back stretch your fucking yeah Imagine you don't see your friend for like a couple of years and all sudden they're six to like two used to be five five Like and And that's the thing that trips me out too is like these are Advertised people they're just like five three or whatever that are getting the surgery when dwarves do it We still have the disproportionate body so you can still still tell, it's like, oh, that, like, you don't suddenly

become, like, a normal-looking person. Like, you look like a dwarf that was stretched out in a fucking taffy machine. Like, it's not, like, everything now fits and looks as it should. Well, for someone who is a dwarf, they would literally have to stretch out almost all of your body, right? Right.

It would have to be a thing where you're in just constant agony. Yeah. Arms, legs. Oh, my God. They've done it on this woman. Yeah, okay, and and she's got she's got a chondroplasia On the left But then like look at how the thighs on the right like when she's had the limb lengthening Your ass and thighs are still those dwarf ass and thighs which are fucking huge Your ass and thighs are still those dwarf ass and thighs Which are fucking huge They're massive It looks like she has a weird thyroid problem now

She's only lengthened her shins Is that what happened there? It looks like her upper legs are longer as well Limb lengthening surgery creates controversy X-Men creates fucking controversy. Yeah, you think. Fucking Lindley. Okay, here it goes.

Three foot ten inches tall. Uh-huh. Crews associated with any challenges, blah, blah, blah. I was having hip problems, knee problems, back problems because of how bowed my legs were. That's true. That's what you had to deal with. Yep. This is accomplished with a series of three controversial bone lengthening procedures

using technology developed in Southern California. With such procedures, patients' bones in the arms and legs are surgically broken and increasingly separated over a period of months. The body generates new bone to fill the gap, thus making the bones longer. Wow. Does it say what her 13 inches taller? Wow. Oh, my God.

That's pretty $100,000. Four years. Whoa. Oh, my God. That's pretty, $100,000. Four years. Whoa. Four years to do it. Wow, she became 13 inches taller. That's incredible. For me, that would go from 4'4 to 5'5. Dude, you'd be like almost my height.

Yeah. You'd be three inches shorter than me. That's crazy. Do it. You do it. Actually, I think if I was a small person I would just stay smile do it I think it's great I don't have any problem with that if your dicks the same size and everything I would embrace being a small person I mean I like I

understand the things that drive these people to do it because and like for me no matter what I do in this business if i become a a famous actor doing movies or whatever stand-up specials whatever i'm still gonna walk down the street and kids are still gonna see me and go mommy what's that mommy what's wrong with him what like what's up and so that never that never stops if you're a dwarf ever Ever. So I kind of get what drives people to do it. They're just so depressed because they think that's going to stop. And now their lives are just going to be perfect. Well, you're always going to have that.

There's people that are beautiful that fuck with their face. We don't have to name names. But we know beautiful women that have gotten their lips shot up with things and fucked their faces up, and people are crazy, man. And if you start fixating on anything, you start fixating on, God, my shoulders should be like this.

Right. I wish my shoulders were like this. Yeah. They need to go upper. You know, like, people are... There was a video that I was watching the other day about this guy in Brazil that almost had to have his arms removed. It's been circulating because he does this thing called synthol. Do you know what synthol is? Bodybuilders use it to pretend that they have bigger muscles than they are.

So what they do is they inject their body with this oil. And this oil makes their muscles bulge out in this really weird, unnatural way. It looks like they got an infection. It swells. Oil makes their muscles bulge out in this really weird, unnatural way. Yeah. It looks like they got, like, an infection. Mm-hmm. It swells. Right. It looks like it was bit by a spider or something. Yeah.

Look at this guy. Oh, fuck. Steve-O. Yeah. This is what he looks like. He has two turtles in his shoulders. Yeah. Look at that.

Not only do they look weird and crazy, but it's totally out of proportion. Yeah. Like, you look at his waist and the whole thing is like, what the fuck is that? It's like, you're sick. It looks goofy. Why would he think that even looks good? Well, why do you think women that have giant breast implants think that those things look good? Yeah, they're like, I've got double D's, but then I think I could go bigger.

There's a lot of women like that, man. It's just like anorexia. Just like certain bodybuilders. People have body dysmorphia where they look at their body and it becomes an issue. They just can't stop fucking with their body. They can't stop fucking with their nose.

I know a girl who's ruined her nose, man. She had a beautiful nose. It was just kind of a little big, but she was pretty. There's nothing wrong with her. And then I saw her a year ago. They don't see the pretty face. It looked like a ski slope. There was something missing from the middle of her nose.

It's like, fuck, don't do that. It's so crazy. I feel sorry for the people that go through it like i can't imagine just nitpicking so much well you probably have a level of body acceptance that other people don't you know what i'm saying like you have there's a certain amount that you just have to deal with yeah that other people don't have to deal with. So when you hear people complaining about stupid shit, my ears are too little. You shut the fuck up. Yeah, my calves

aren't big enough. Fucker, I'm four feet tall. Really? You're going to tell me? Yeah, it's like sometimes people come to me after shows and they're like, wow, Brad, what you said on stage, I really was touched and moved by it because you know i go through a lot of that because i'm five

foot four and i'm and i'm a guy and i'm like do you realize what i would do to be five foot four what horrible things i would do behind a dumpster to be five foot four and you're out there like oh man i like like i'm starting to accept myself as 5'4 because of you. Do you pay attention to all of the scientific research that's being done and genetic engineering and changing? Is there anything that's... Yeah, like they actually identified the dwarf gene. Like they've been able to identify the gene that causes dwarfism. dwarf gene. They've been able to identify the gene that causes

dwarfism. This debate has gone on as the technology keeps getting closer to the point where we can actually do this. There's some debate going is if we can remove that gene. If we can prevent your child from having dwarfism, should we?

A lot of dwarves are like, no, we shouldn't do it. It's playing God. They're going, yeah yeah you should absolutely remove it absolutely why would you want your kid to go through I mean granted I've been lucky like I said I've only had like one surgery and I made

a good career with the hand that I was dealt but there's a lot of little people I know that haven't that don't get constantly made fun of their entire lives or hidden away by their parents. Why would you want your kid to go through that? And as a dwarf, you know what struggles that you had growing up. Why would you intentionally put those pains on your child?

I don't understand that. I don't. It's hard to understand a lot of decisions that people make. A lot of rationalizations that people make. Like, one reason that I'm able to be a comedian and sort of have this sense of humor about it is because my dad was amazing.

Is amazing. When I was born, he found out that I was going to be a dwarf, so he would go to these LPA Little People of America meetings. And he would go to these LPA little people of America meetings and he would find out about it and he was like oh shit my kids gonna get made fun of a lot like his life is gonna be weird so his philosophy was when I was growing up he would make fun of me first but he would do it in like in like a

supportive way like he would fuck with me but then say okay I just insulted you hit me back with something hit me back and then get because this is gonna happen to you later So he's like training you yeah, so by the time I got to kindergarten I like I remember kindergarten walking in and a kid just laughing at me going ha ha you're little and I looked at him When ha ha your mom doesn't live with your dad anymore In kindergarten and fucking like I got sent to the principal's office for like, hurting this kid's feelings. That's hilarious. Yeah.

And they called my dad, they're like, we're gonna call your father. I'm like, fucking do it! He trained you to be a comedian kind of. He did! Because now, like, when I get a heckler, it's like, do you think you're gonna say anything to me that I haven't heard on the street? That I haven't heard walking down and some kid saying a

comment. I've had parents bring their children up to me when the line is too long at the mall Santa and go, hey, tell this guy what you want. I've had that happen to me. They came up, they said, tell this guy

what you want when you were just a regular guy at the mall. Yes, because they're like, well, he knows Santa, so you could talk to him, and then he'll give the message to Santa. I've had that. I tell this story in my special, which, hey, I'll plug it now. My one-hour comedy special, Brad Williams Fun Size, comes out on Showtime May 8th. So watch it, record it, and Showtime's gonna replay the shit out of it. So you'll have plenty of chances to see it. Anyway. But what happened was

this guy came up with his kid and was like, you see, son? He's working undercover for Santa. He's gonna... He's out here finding out who's naughty and nice and he's gonna go back and tell... And I knew in that moment where if I get pissed off, now this kid, who doesn't know anything about dwarfism, his first interaction is going to be with someone angry.

Right. And that's going to be what he thinks all dwarves are because that's going to be his first interaction. So I can't get pissed off. I can't get angry because that's – I'm setting the precedent. So what I did was I looked at the kid and went, you're absolutely right. I am working undercover. I'm going around seeing who's naughty and went, you're absolutely right. I am working undercover. I'm going around seeing who's naughty and nice. But guess what?

You've been really good. What do you want more than anything in the world? And the kid's like, I want an Xbox. And I looked right at the dad and went, guess what? You're getting an Xbox. And the dad's like, I don't know about this. I'm like, what else do you want? And the dad's like waving like, no, no, no, no, no.

He's like, I really want a bike. I'm like, you're getting a bike too. Look at that. one and I told the kid I'm like the only way that you don't get these things if your parents failed to file the proper paperwork So then he looks at dad like did you file the proper paperwork dad? It's like of course I did you son of a bitch like it was so and then Yeah, then the dad like gets mad at me, And it's like, you brought this on yourself, fucker. Yeah, it's not like you came to get a service somewhere.

No! I wasn't dressed in the outfit. Alright, if I come to the mall and I've got pointy shoes on and pointy ears, I can't get pissed when you say, tell them what you want for Christmas. I can't get mad. Well, that's fucked up. You can't even wear pointy shoes. What if you're into those little Alib You can't even wear pointy shoes What if you're into like Those little Alibaba shoes

The Mexican pointy shoes You know What if you're into some Some cool shoes man Right Your style's restricted Because of your height That seems ridiculous

Cause if it's like a fucking You know Kareem Abdul-Jabbar sized dude With pointy shoes No one's gonna say anything It's a genie Yeah No one's gonna say

That guy works for Santa Right That's fucked up man I can't No one's going to say that guy works for Santa. Right. That's fucked up, man. I can't work with that. That's racist. That's sizist. I can't go through life with pointy shoes. Is sizist an expression that gets used?

I heard, fuck, I forgot what show it was. Some TV show said it. Oh, I think it was The League. I think The League on FX said sizist, and I just heard that. I'm like, that's pretty good. I'm going to start using that. Yeah, I like it. There's a million different ists now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's getting weird. Well, everyone has to find a way for them to be offended. So you have to create what applies to you, so now you can complain like the rest of us. I'm hoping this is temporary. I'm hoping this ultra-complain-y society, ultra-whiny stage we're going through is just a side effect of people learning how to use the internet. Sort of like how people didn't know how to not get crazy in the 90s, like in the internet.

People didn't know how to, you know, people get upset at things and they overreact and freak out. They just didn't know how to deal with people insulting them. Right, right, right. Yeah. I'm wondering if it's because have we gotten to a point where like because I doubt that in third world countries they're having a debate of should we say bossy? Like do you think those people who are trying to get food, who don't have clean water, who don't have good, who don't have vaccinations are like, OK, I know all this shit's going on, but we've got to stop saying the word bossy. Like, we've got to focus on that.

I think it's a lack of problems. And the human being is a dramatic animal. So we create this. We create these problems out of nowhere just so we feel like we're struggling against something There's certainly a lot of that yeah There's certainly a lot of people that just have it too soft Right to it's too easy to get like this this the the ability to tweet 15 times about x-men shows me That you either have no fucking friends right too much free time

Your your career is being a cunt online. Yeah, that's all you do. One of those things. Either you got family money or you just don't care about money, or you don't have the real problems in your life. Those same people 20 years ago, what were they, picketers? No, they didn't exist. It's too hard.

Picketing, you have to actually do something. Right. You have to show someone. You have to get up. You have to look people in the eye. If you're standing outside of an abortion clinic're you're picketing in front of a warehouse that's non-union like you got to make fucking contact with people you got to interact with people organized you have to be good at arts and crafts yeah so you have a sign that's like halfway decent all you have to do

when you want online is just find other cunts and you know you gravitate through forums or you know twitter groups and you just cunt it up together. That's what you're getting a lot. Hashtag cunt it up together, Joe Rogan. It's also like you create this negative ripple for no reason, really. You can enjoy a movie or not enjoy a movie. You can write a review about a movie.

But this idea that you... If I go see a movie that sucks, that I did not like, I'll walk out of there going, well, I didn't like that movie. If I go eat at a restaurant that's shitty, I'm just going to say, well, I'm not going back to that restaurant. I'm not going to go online and start this campaign of everyone must think like me. Everyone must not go to this restaurant. Everyone's got to not see this movie. Fuck you if you like Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. Hey, if you like Paul Blart

Mall Cop 2, more power to you. It does not affect me. You enjoying that movie does not have any repercussions on my life. At all. So I don't care. Like whatever movie you want to watch. You like, enjoy whatever comic.

In terms of the feud that you had with Ned, some people are like, you have to be either a Joe Rogan fan or a Carlos Mencia fan. You can be a fan of both. You can be a fan of Larry the Cable Guy. That's where I draw along. Yeah, you're talking crazy talk. Yeah, you're talking nonsense. But like you can be a fan of Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Burr. Yeah, but they don't hate each other.

Yeah, okay. There's a difference there. I get that. There's a difference. Apparently, I was saying X-Men earlier. It's Avengers. Did I say X-Men? Was I saying X-Men?

Oh, you're getting those from the tweets. It's all the same shit to me. It's comic books. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, but it's just like, people who enjoy a certain music, like, if you enjoy the band, like, name your band that is supposedly shitty it yes sure I love kiss done I've had people get angry at

me cuz I love kiss fuck off the pixies can suck it such a simple band they can't play pirate techniques and facial makeup to cover the back there I'm pleasure musicians it's like or I can listen to pirate techniques and facial makeup to cover the Musicians it's like or I can listen to their music and it makes me happy yeah, or you're moody right You're just a moody bitch. You need people to cry in their songs. Hey guess what sometimes I like listening to Motorhead Sometimes I like listening to Sade sometimes I like listening to her I think you have to say it different than that shot a yeah Sade. Sometimes I like listening to her. I think you have to say it different than that, though.

Sade. Smooth operator. Yeah, sometimes I like that. Sometimes I want to rock and roll all night and party every day. How about that? You fuck. Whenever I accomplish anything halfway decent in my career, and this is absolutely true,

I go into my car, I play Katy Perry's Firework, I roll down the window, and I lip sync the shit out of that song. I don't like you as much. I go nuts with that song. Isn't it funny, though, when people actually do do that? They don't like people for their choices. Like, oh, you fucking listen to that? Like, there was a guy that had a fucking bit about that way back in Boston.

Oh, it was Barry Crimmins. Barry Crimmins, a hilarious comedian who Bobcat Goldthwait has a documentary that he did about him. Because apparently Barry was like molested when he was younger. He's got a documentary called Call Me Lucky or They Call Me Lucky. It's supposed to be like really dark and really good. You know, Bobcat is awesome. Great filmmaker. But anyway, he had a bit about going to the record store and the clerk at the record store.

Like, are you listening to this? I was like, fuck you, man. It brings me joy. Yeah. That doesn't affect you in any way whatsoever. Yeah, get out of here. That's it. There he is.

That's Barry Kremens, and I don't know, what are they doing with their pose there? That's a strange pose. I don't know. It looks like they're trying to look like dwarves. It looks like they're trying to look like gorillas. Gorillas that are standing up on their back legs. Yeah. Barry Crimmins was like, back when I was starting out, I was an open mic-er.

He was already an established comedian. He was like one of the- Because you started in Boston, too? Yeah. Yeah. He was one of the main guard of the established comedians in Boston, the established headliners, established uh comedians in boston like to establish headliners like really really respected guy very original political very political just very just very wise guy had some really good things to say he's really good to follow on twitter too his twitter is filled with uh very

good points and also he he'll tweet some great articles and stuff and different things but uh bobcat also started out in boston so bob he uh he did this documentary on barry and i don't think it comes out for a couple months but i think right now they're touring and doing the um you know the festival thing and trying to get it up there fantastic man yeah i i'll put that fucking thing down and contribute. Just be a part of the show. I'm going to periscope a little. I'll get a periscope. Uh, I'm now, do you like consume all like movies or whatever?

That's standup related. Like, can you watch like the new Kevin Pollak one? What's new? Kevin Pollak, something around people being miserable, misery, love comedy,

loves misery or something like that. I didn't see that. Yeah. Like I've got that queued up ready to go when I get home. So it's like, I like, I love all those types of movies. I like't see that. Yeah, like, I've got that queued up ready to go when I get home. So it's like, I love all those types of movies. I like some of them, but, you know, I mean, we're around comedy all the time.

Yeah. I don't need someone to tell me what comedy is. And I don't need someone, just like the idea that, do comedians have to be miserable? Let's explore this. Like, I have friends that aren't miserable that are comedians.

I don't have to explore that. I mean, yeah, because you know. Or it's like you could just sit back and enjoy their art and say like, okay. Do you have to go into the mental state of Jackson Pollock or can you just sit back and be like, wow, those are some cool paintings. Yeah, well, I mean

I don't think there's a problem with exploring whether or not comedians are miserable. I don't want to do it. I don't need to do it. I don't like that idea either that you could just lump everybody together. Like, are all musicians dickheads? Right, right, right. Some musicians are dickheads.

Sure. What was that thing you sent me the other day? Stone Temple Pilots guy? Oh, my God. Scott Whelan. Play that. Wasted on something. That was sad to watch.

He's not in the band anymore, right? They kicked him out. They kicked him out. Now the lead singer of Linkin Park is touring with them. Wasn't that the same banjo that you saw at a private party, like a UFC party? Well, this is Dana White's birthday party. His 40th birthday, I think

it was. And goddammit, dude, they fucking nailed it. They did that show at a private party. There was only a few hundred people there and they did that show as if it was a packed arena. I love that. I mean, he did the whole, he had his, the bullhorn, you know, he does like some of his, he

sings some of it, like to change the sound of his voice, he sings into a bullhorn. It was Scott Weiland? Yeah. He's a bad motherfucker, dude. STP. Let me hear this. Is this at the party? Oh, I can tell you right now That guy, he can't even balance correctly That dude is

He's on something He's on some hair-on As Joe Diaz would say Look at him dancing Yeah, he's moving in slow motion Yeah I bet he's having a good time though Sure

Yeah, oh my god, he's tripping Let me hear this Oh god It's one note. He's just... He's herring out of his mind. Look at his eyes. Yeah. Dead eyes. What I saw was the total opposite of this.

You saw like jumping around and moving. He was crushing it. I mean, he was crushing it. I was really, really... You know, I have no musical talent at all. So I love watching musicians because you watch musicians, you can kind of get this inspiration from them. That's totally unrelated to what you do. Like I was really impressed with him as a performer, just as, just as an artist. I was like, this guy's fucking bringing it.

He's showing up to some, yeah, He's showing up to some private party. They probably got a fucking assload of money. But apparently he was a nightmare to deal with backstage. They were threatening to walk if the show didn't start right now. There was all this craziness to it. He wasn't chill about the experience at all. But maybe he's amped up to get up there. Because once he got up there, he was fucking smashing it.

That's great. It was so tight and smooth, and, like, everything he was doing was just, like, energetic and focused. And I was super, super, super impressed. It's cool when you can see someone who's really in their element. You're like, oh, yeah, you were absolutely put on this planet to be a rock star. Like, this is what you do, and you're fantastic at it. Well, I would never say that, but i would say he's nailing it he's whatever it is that takes to be a rock star that guy is in that groove he's in that headspace he's worked really hard he's done all the preparation necessary and he's

producing it at a very very high level that that's that's one thing i definitely would say i don't think anybody's born to be a rock star or born to be a poet or any of that there's a lot of silliness when it comes to that kind of shit. I think some people's personalities, because of whatever reason, are better suited for certain activities. That makes sense. I don't think anybody's born to do anything. They just kind of discover where their talents or where their personality can sort of fit the best, and then they just accelerate. I mean, find what you enjoy and do it. I mean, you like you know you're in college and then see it brings you on stage you

you you say funny shit and then you realize i could be funny yeah holy fuck yeah like the next thing you know i mean what was that process like did you get home and start writing did you start watching comedy like what did you do i consumed like that one moment yeah one blip uh just because i got a laugh and it was it was a sold out it was a sold out improv and i was just like wow this is in i mean you know the the the drug of stand-up of being on stage and saying something and then having a whole room of strangers just laugh and it was and that and for me i've always used laughter as like kind of a defense mechanism because when i when i meet people i try to immediately make a dwarf joke just so they're comfortable just so they like go like oh okay he's cool with it and then i can kind

of and now and now we can be friends like now we can move on past that uh so that's like something you learned yeah over the years yeah you think that has to do with the way your dad sort of like. Absolutely. Absolutely. Cause, and you know, cause then if I don't talk about it, then people are like on pins and needles cause they don't know if they're going to offend me or if they're going to like say something that's going to set me off, you know? So there, so if I make that quick joke, then they're like, oh, oh, okay.

You're fine. I'm, I don't have to worry about it. Uh, so yeah, as soon as I went on stage the first time, I went home and I just started writing like crazy and just started writing all the stories that I've told at parties for years just of experiences and things like that. I just started watching a ton of comedy. Someone showed me the Jerry Seinfeld documentary, Comedian,

and I was like, I was in, man. That's a sneaky documentary. You know why? Because he put Orny Adams in that movie to make himself look good. I know he did. I know he put Orny, like, Orny, like, they focused on, like,

they come to you and they say, look, you're going to be in a documentary about comedy with Jerry Seinfeld. They're like, fuck yeah, I'm in. You're in. You're a struggling comic. And they narrow in on this neurotic guy documentary about comedy with Jerry Seinfeld. They're like, fuck yeah, I'm in. You're a struggling comic. And they narrow in on this neurotic guy who's a mess,

and he's freaking out, and he's trying to get, and he's got no experience being on camera, and you just fucking shove this camera in his face. And in contrast, it makes Jerry Seinfeld look very likable. Sure, because he's polished, and he's done this for for years and now he's trying to do the new act. But then at the same time, and as comics we know this now, yeah, Jerry Seinfeld was trying to write new

material, but when he's going on stage, he's done this a thousand times. So that scene where he's essentially trying to think of a word or bombing, as some people would say, he's very comfortable in that scenario because he knows what to do. And he's very analytical because he's done it a million times. It's not Orny to where when he goes on, he's neurotic and he's learning all this stuff.

Yeah. Because, yeah, I saw that movie. I thought I knew Orny Adams. And then I actually met the guy. I'm like, oh, you're fucking cool. He's just a normal dude. I like you. But, you know, they edit it.

They focus on all the most ridiculous shit that the guy does. Get that camera in his face. You have Barry Katz breaking you down on camera, which is preposterous. The whole thing is ridiculous. I saw that. I'm like, they set this dude up. They used him in this fucking documentary. But, you know, if you're really going to show a guy creating new material,

you've got to kind of do a guy who's Not loved already right you know who can't walk on stage and get a standing ovation before you've said one word So that's where Orny comes in right so it's I think they kind of it helps to have a guy like that Well you're following another guy, but on the way up. Yeah, why did they choose Orny you know yeah? Choose a guy who's not going to overshadow him. You know, it's interesting. Like,

you know, they didn't do like a Kevin Hart type character, some big, powerful, you know, energetic performer who just crushes and like, well, hell they had,

they had the one scene at a Caroline's where I don't know who the comic was. It might've been the angel Salazar, but check it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Check it out. Check it out.

Where like he was doing his costume changes on stage at, yeah, I think it was Caroline's. And then you see Jerry in the back like, well, how am I going to follow this? How am I going to go on after this? Just be funny. Yeah, just walk on stage and say, hi, I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and tell a couple jokes. Boom, you're following it. Tell jokes that are actually good. Yeah.

You'll be fine. Don't worry about it, dude. That's it. But yeah, yeah, I just consumed all things comedy. I never saw that I Am Comic either. That was the documentary that everybody always quotes because that's the one where Mincy admits to stealing material and does that interview where he's talking about,

you know, yeah, I steal. Of course I steal. You know, if I'm on stage, you better run, bitch. Yeah, but a lot of people thought it was sarcastic. I think he was doing it to be sarcastic. You can't thought it was sarcasm. I think he was doing it to be sarcastic. You can't do that if you actually are a thief. How do you do that if you actually are a plagiarist? I mean, that's preposterous.

But that's all I know about that documentary. Oh, yeah, because I'm sure people tweeted you that clip like crazy. Is that a touchy subject with you? You talk about your friend? Yeah, kind of, because it's like yeah he's my friend you know and and we're still friends and so we still text every now and then hell uh some of your fans will probably like when that thing was at its peak uh there was a moment where some of your fans will probably hate me for this but he called me up um and was like i'm

quitting i'm not doing this anymore I'm not doing stand-up anymore I'm not I'm out I'm just this is too much I can't and I like I was on the phone with him for like three hours and like talk him in the like back into doing hmm yeah I know see yeah see this with all your fans listen man nothing wrong with him doing stand-up because you know that's not there was never the issue. What the issue always was, was he was victimizing other comedians. And you might not have known it, because you weren't around.

I wasn't around the scene. This isn't a mystery. And the sad part is, because I was with him on the road, I would see things happen during the day, and then him go on stage that night, do 20 minutes on what happened during the day, and have it be brilliant stuff. I'll be the first one to say he's a great comic when he's being a comedian. You know what the problem is?

People get addicted to killing, and they want to kill all the time. And when they don't have something to say,'ll take somebody else's shit and that's the reality of it it's a lack of artistic integrity and that's the reality it doesn't mean you're not talented it's like we were talking about before there's grays yeah there's not everybody's good everybody's bad or you know everybody on this side is good every and that's how it's bad it's not that some people are really talented but they're all they also have questionable ethics and that's that's reality.

And because what is most important to them is adulation and love. It's filling up that hole. Whatever that hole that was created, we all have a hole. Every comic has a hole that was created by their childhood. Some more than others. Some in a different way than others. Everybody's varies. And some people that the need to kill

is way more important than the need to be original and the need to be creative. And when they don't have anything to say, when they can't find something, they'll just steal. And once they steal, they steal all the time. And once that becomes what they do, and they do it to their friends,

they do it to people they don't know, they do it to open open micers they sit in the back room and they write things down and he's not the only one that's ever done this he was the only one that was ever called out for it and got busted for it public and publicly yeah because you know and these things still happen today where you know behind the scenes someone comes up short one and says hey look this it's still an issue. Artistic integrity is always going to be an issue. For sure, there's parallel thinking. For sure, there's going to be people that come up with similar jokes.

There's always something that happens in the news, like Kanye West interrupting Taylor Swift. There's going to be a bunch of people that have a joke about that. Especially with Twitter, you'll see it. I remember when Bruce Jenner got into that car accident and the woman died. One of the first tweets I saw was Neil Brennan saying, great, now every comic's going to say that Bruce Jenner's really becoming a woman because he can't drive. That was his tweet. And then, sure enough, within minutes, you saw comedians tweet that joke. It just filled up the line because that's the most obvious punchline there.

So you have all these eyes looking to one topic. Yeah, that's what they're going to come up with. It was pretty fucked up. Did they even bring that up in the two hours that he was being interviewed? Oh, by the way, you killed someone. By not paying attention. Right, and recently. Yeah, and it was, I mean, anybody else in that similar situation,

like, that would be the main focal point. Oh, by the way, you fucking weren't paying attention while you were driving. A giant truck with a fucking boat behind it. Right. And you smashed, what do you mean? I think on the PCH, somebody said that you're not supposed to have trailers or something on that street

because of that reason of stopping faster. Let's Google that. Find out if that's true. I don't know if that's true, but that could be true. You could have done a Diane Sawyer interview on the fact that you fucking killed someone a month ago. You should have.

I mean, they just glossed over. A month ago. Yeah. Glossed over it like it was, that's not important. What's important is, are you a woman? Are you a woman who kills people? Not the fact that you ended a life.

By negligence, by pure negligence, while you're smoking a cigarette. Yeah, and I think I heard Carolla talk about this, and I thought it was really interesting. I mean, the fact that, like, I think the car he hit and then she veered off into oncoming traffic and then the car that hit her was like a homer. Yeah. And that part sucks because you're like, well, if you get hit by a Yaris, yeah, you're good.

What's a Yaris? A Yaris is, I don't know, it's a little tiny car. It's not that, yeah, it's a small car. Well, it doesn't matter. Yeah. But, like, yeah, you get hit by any sort of regular. You don't have to pull up a Yaris. Yeah, it's fine. It's a little tiny car. It's not that... Yeah, I don't know. It's a small car. Well, it doesn't matter. Yeah. But, like, yeah, you get hit by any sort of regular... You don't have to pull up a Yaris. Yeah, it's fine.

It's a car. It taped the interview before the car accident, it says. Oh. Yeah, well. That makes sense. There you go. There you go. So, okay.

Oh, okay. Yeah, there it is. I mean... That makes sense. You can't have, like, an asterisk, like... How did they tape it so long ago? Yeah, and then not... And then just sit on it yeah

that's interesting but yeah it was a fuck really yeah but it was the whole thing of where like out of all the cars on the road that hit you head on it had to be a hummer yeah that's not good no it's just negligence like that it's just so infuriating and to have it you know from a person that's in the public eye people get really angry about it. But in this case, it seems to be, like, fading. Like, no one really seems to give a shit about it. Other than the people that directly knew. And they're like, there's people that are trying to sue, but they're the stepdaughters.

And apparently they didn't even have a relationship with the woman. And they're suing. And now they're like, oh, but you took away my chance to rekindle that relationship. So I deserve a million dollars. That is kind of true, sort of. Who the fuck is to say that... I'm just going to call her tomorrow. If there's anybody that deserves

money from a lawsuit, it's not the people suing Manny Pacquiao for five million bucks because he had a hurt shoulder. It's the people who hey, Bruce Jenner killed my mom. Well, okay. Try to get some money. It's not like he's broke. Yeah, let's give Jenner killed my mom. Well, okay. Okay. Try to get some money. It's not like he's broke.

Yeah. Let's give you some money for that. And you almost just never hear about that anymore. You don't hear about the fact that he... You don't hear about it at all. No, it's just him becoming a woman now. It just fades away. It fades away into oblivion. It's interesting how the public decides to fixate on certain things and not fixate on other things.

Sure. Like, I was thinking about that when it came to this police violence case. You know, the public will decide. Which one? The Freddie Gray one is one that sticks. But this South Carolina one where the cop shot the guy in the back on video just running away. The guy was running away.

Yeah. It wasn't a guy who died in the back of a van. It was a guy who's running away and the cop shoots him. Like, that one didn't stick? I am shocked. Well, it's like, it was kind of like a few years ago and all these, a bunch of comics made jokes about it. But it was like when it was like missing kid time. It was like, every story is going to be a new missing kid.

And everyone made the joke that it was all good-looking white women. Yeah, it is. And not. White girls. There's so many other missing kids. And now it's kind of like that, but with police brutality. It's almost like the news just sits down one day and says, what are we going to focus on this week? What's going to happen?

Did you see Nightcrawler? Yes. That's a perfect movie. If you want to understand this whole... If it bleeds, it leads. Yeah, that style of news. It also gives you real insight into what a news show is. It's an entertainment program. They're trying to get ratings, the same way everyone else is.

They're not trying to enlighten you. They're not trying to educate you. They're just trying to somehow or another get you to pay attention yeah that's why i like uh the the speech in the tv show the newsroom uh it was near the beginning of the first season uh jeff daniels plays the news broadcaster and he talks about what the news was designed to be and how there were people that when the news was first conceived, they said no ads, no sponsors, government funded. Or, I mean, then you go into a whole other part where they can't talk about government people. But, yeah, it's like no sponsors to where they have to get ratings.

Just this is the news. It's going to be put on by taxpayer money. You pay a little extra. You get the news. It's going to be put on by taxpayer money. You pay a little extra. You get the news. So now it's not people with the news tickers at the bottom trying to sensationalize everything. What did Hillary Clinton really mean when she said Republicans and Democrats and they're fighting? So the newscasters don't have that to go to. the newscasters don't have that to go to mm-hmm and I thought that was a great little monologue that made that made me kind of think like yeah why do we like

why is the news have to be ratings because and it's like you said it's an entertainment show that's all it is yeah at the end of the day they're trying they're trying to get eyes to try they're trying to get sponsors they're trying to get they're trying to get ratings so yeah you're gonna lead with you know the sensationalized murders. That's how you get people to pay attention. It's the only way. It's also like what we were talking about earlier.

It's like when you run into most people that you communicate with online. My interactions with people on Twitter and on Instagram or Facebook are almost universally positive there's very few negative people that I've run into and most of it's because I'm nice and I don't cause too much bullshit but I say controversial shit I just I run into enough nice people but there's a certain percentage that are just and it's just the numbers game well when you when you deal with the news yeah if you're trying to put on an hour show you're dealing with the news, if you're trying to put on an hour show, you're dealing with the events of 7 billion people. And the Nepal earthquake and the typhoon that hits the Philippines.

This and that and that and this and the murder and the death and the cop and the shot and the boy and the gun and the baby and the window. And you can just fill that hour up with these events because the sheer numbers, if you just looked out if you opened up your window and you looked out your apartment and you saw 7 billion people, you'd be like, well, of course some shit's going down.

There's too many people. It's just gonna happen. The events that you're dealing with, if you're dealing with even like 1, 1hundredth of one percent of chaos and violence. Sure. That's pretty good when you consider what the world must have been like five, six thousand years ago. People would just fucking show up and cut your village in half with swords. And then just say, all right, we own it now.

Yeah. Flaming arrows go flying through the air. Oh, great. We're doing this again. That was the news. That was what the news was back Then the news was you open up your window and people trying to kill you. Yeah here Here's who your king is now all right great, so if you try to like pack a seven billion person Like a report on the events of seven billion people how the the fuck are you going to do that in an hour? You're not.

You can't. And you're not getting an hour, by the way. You get 44 minutes. Right. Yeah, commercials. 18 minutes of fucking commercials or 16 minutes of commercials. And they're like, the news is biased. And you're like, well, yeah, for that reason.

Because they have to look at all events and say, which ones do we want to focus on? Well, their job is not to educate you. No. Their job is to get you to pay attention. That's it. And we have this idea that somehow or another they're like our educators. No. Like, this is the news.

And, you know, when you hear them talking in that strange way, the newscasters talk. Tom broke our voice. Yeah. My favorite is when they uncomfortably try to comment on things in between stories. Well, that's upsetting. It certainly is. Next story. Yeah, the local news broadcast,

like, after the last story, and that 20 seconds at the end of the broadcast where they have to, like, be funny or just interact. Did you see that one where the woman was talking to a black guy? There was a woman who was a white newscaster, and she had a black guy with her. Okay. And they were talking about Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga did a performance, and she starts calling it Jigaboo music.

To a black guy? She doesn't know what Jigaboo is, apparently. Have you seen this? Listen to this. Of course, it's Fox News. Listen to this. this of course it's Fox News how about the black guy just sitting there going, yep, taking it. I'm a robot. I have a mortgage. I'm a robot.

Has there been anything like that, though, that you've said that you didn't know? I didn't know it was racist to say, hey boy, to a black guy. I remember saying it. I moved to LA. I remember the first year I was out there. You never say, hey boy, to a white guy. I mean, it's like, what's up, boy? I remember I said that to my friend, and my friend goes, wait, what you just saying?

I was like, boy, guy, hey, man. And he goes, do you know what? You shouldn't say boy to a black guy. And then he explained it to me. I was like, I've never heard this before in my life. Well, now we're going through that with Tranny. Like, you can't say that. You can still say cabbie, though, for cab drivers.

So cling to that they won't they won't even exist in another few years after uber yeah so you gotta like market did i tell you i took a cab the other day i did not know how much more expensive it was and how bitter they have like the second i got in there that's all they talked about was how horrible uber was did you bring up uber no i I didn't say it. I was like, oh, thanks, man. Yeah, my phone's dead, so I couldn't call you. Use Uber. No, so I couldn't call because I had to flag it down at a taxi. And my phone's dead.

I couldn't call. And he goes, oh, that's Uber. And the whole time, the whole ride home, he was just bitching about Uber. Sure, because they had a monopoly in the market. Then someone figured out how to do it better. And it was $20 more. You ran into a cunt. Yeah.

And it was $20 more. It cost for the same ride? Yeah, for the exact same ride I've taken a million times with Uber, $20 more. How do they get paid? They get a check from Uber? Is that how that works? Yeah, I think it's twice a month. It's direct deposited into their... Do they do any background checks on the people that are involved

they're supposed to uh and now with all the latest news and stuff it's gotten more intense but uh it's still it's still easy i mean i know a ton of people who are comics that are uber drivers i was like what you're an uber driver hilarious like you're a horrible person. Well, David Seaman was a... I heard about that. He does some fucking Uber driving in his spare time. Well, that's just to pick up chicks, I think. No, remember when Deadmau5 was doing it? He was Uber driving up in Toronto with his fucking Ferrari.

And then they had his logo, like, you know how they had the car logo? Like, it was the Deadmau5 mask. Yeah. That was on the map. I'm like, that's gotta be cool. That must have been cool as fuck. Right? You get picked up by Deadmau5 and driven around in a was on the map. That must have been cool as fuck. Right? You get picked up by Deadmau5 and driven around in a Ferrari.

What if you have luggage, though? Like, bitch, you don't even have a trunk, you fuck. Yeah, like, could you imagine just being on the side of the street, be like, all right, I call this Uber. And then, like, Gene Simmons pulls up. And I was like, Joe Rogan, you're a very rich and powerful man. And then you have to get super lucky. Right.

Like, to get someone who's not totally retarded in your car, though. Well, now there's a thing. Hilary Duff is getting a lot of press because she's on Tinder. Yeah. And she's filming it and stuff. Is she trying to do a reality show? I have no idea. Is that what it is?

Yeah, Jamie knows. He's just nodding his head over there. Is that what she's doing? Let's go to our Us Weekly report with Jamie. Why didn't Jamie say that again it is? Yeah, Jamie knows. He's just nodding his head over there. Is that what she's doing? Let's go to our Us Weekly report with Jamie. Why don't you say that again, please? I read she did a few dates, and they filmed a couple things, and they went on. Well, she probably filmed it just so nobody kills her. Right.

Yeah, no shit. Some psycho shows up, and it's Hilary Duff. Speaking of psychos, I watched Going Clear last night. Oh. You hadn't seen that before? Oh, my God. Well, I read part of the book. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had seen like some clips from the documentary. Yeah. But oh my God, I watched it last night. That is incredible. Yeah. You know Scientology is down to only 50,000 members? That's what they're saying? Yeah.

And with that, they still have whatever. A billion dollars. Yeah. They have over a billion dollars in cash. I mean, there was a... Equity. There was like two sponsored tweets today that I saw by Scientology. Really?

What's their Twitter handle? I think it's just at Scientology or at Church of Scientology or at We Will Control You, you small, weak-minded imp or something like that. Yeah, Scientology. How many people do they have? Let's take a guess. 28,000? Damn, that's it? That's it. I am one of the followers of Scientology. Sweet!

28,000. But like, look what their top photo is. Like, their top photo of the Church of Scientology is a lobby of a hotel or building that looks like a palace. Yeah. Like, that's what their logo is.

Well, that's the church. That's where they party. That's where they give praise to Xenu. Yeah. Meet Heike, a mother and Scientologist. Wow. So I guess they're, like, on a publicity run to try to... Gotta be.

The same way SeaWorld now has those commercials. We love our whales. Look at this. Because of Scientology, Mayuku treats her young son as an individual. As a result, he's a happier child. What? What the fuck? As opposed to what?

You treat him like he's a fucking puzzle piece? What does that mean? Yeah, what parent isn't doing that? And it's because they're not a scientologist this is weird calm the fuck down weird joe did you see the the the sea world uh like how that new commercial that they've been uh playing so like we haven't captured a orca in the wild for 20 years or something like that force them to breed in captivity as slaves yeah there are some falsities going on mean we're not that mean. We're just cunts.

This is really wild, man. They're trying to go for the diversity angle, the Scientology Twitter page. The Scientology mission of Katmandu serves as the base camp for Scientology Nepal disaster response. Hashtag Nepalquake. We're helping.

Well, I'm sure they'll help by completely obliterating psychiatry in the in the nepal region and then all the people will be better it's just amazing when you see the actual films of l ron hubbard talking yes you know that was what it was amazing and paul haggis the director like who like got to like some super high level you get the handwritten notes from l ron hubbard he's like what the fuck is this yeah did you see it have you seen it dude it's you have to cuz you're you have it's a whole new level it's that good it's that good I I got it last night on HBO go you ever use HBO go I just got it last night

to watch the new Nirvana movies on there now yeah yeah yeah I was gonna watch that too but I said let me watch this Kurt Cobain thing. Yeah. I was going to watch that, too. But I said, let me watch this. Really, it was late at night, and I was like, I'm just going to watch this for like 10, 15 minutes. Nope. And I was glued to that motherfucker for two whole hours. I'll watch it. It's sad, too, man.

Some of the people's bad experiences with their children and with their families. Kids being taken away and being forced to work on top of a roof of a building. Fuck, dude. It was how the mother whose daughter won't talk to her anymore? The whole family grew up Scientologists, and it's really hard to watch. And then the guy who started taping the people that were out in front of his house, like the Scientologists out front of his house to do a smear campaign against him. I think it's really important whenever you're talking about something like this to look at both sides of it, and this does not look at both sides of it this is only one side of it i had a neighbor that was a

scientologist i actually don't think he is anymore and i don't live near him anymore but he was a scientologist he was the nicest fucking guy and he was telling me how much it helped him and how much it got his life in order so i don't think it's all negative no i think there's there's some horror fucking stories. Well, sure. It's the same thing. Like, some of the nicest people I've ever known in my life were Mormons. Yeah.

Mormons are great. Mormons. Fantastic. If I had to pick a religion, I really would pick Mormonism. Yeah. I really would. They're all family-oriented. They all have tight-knit, or they try to have tight-knit families.

They're really supportive. Their church functions are pretty... And they all kind of band together to help each other. I mean, granted, then you have the instances where polygamists and girls are being married off at age 12 and stuff like that. Those are some weird sects, though, Mormonism. They don't really have those... Right. You know, that's Mitt Romney.

Do you know the whole deal with Mitt Romney? Oh, no. Oh, this is great. Oh, this is going to be great because my dad's like a hardcore Republican. Mitt Romney's dad couldn't be president because he was born in Mexico. The reason why he was born in Mexico was

because Mitt Romney's family is from an extreme sect of Mormonism that left the country when polygamy became illegal. Really? They left the country in the 1800s back when there was no cars. When there was no cars, Mexico was just as cool as America. It was probably even cooler. So let's just go over there.

Fuck it. We're on horses. What difference does it make? Just land and land. Yeah, you have a horse over here or you have a horse over there. Have a horse over here, you can have 15 wives. Walk them up in a dungeon, you have a party. Over here, you have to have one wife, and they tell you what to...

Fuck them. You have to pay taxes? Get the fuck out of here. Let's go have 15. So Mitt Romney and his family, they came from this one sect. They're heavily armed, and they fight off the fucking town or not the Taliban the drug cartels down there Like they get kidnapped and shit. It's like Extreme shit like the whole the whole scene is like really dangerous these guys are like they have rifles everywhere

They're gone. They're always worried the drug cartels are gonna storm the gates It's it's really interesting. I believe vice did a piece on it. Was it a Vice piece? See if you find it. Vice is pretty damn cool. I think they did a piece on it. I think that's where I got all the original information from. Then I just kept looking into it. Right.

But Mitt Romney's dad always wanted to be president, but couldn't because he wasn't born in America. Born in this country, right. Like Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, that fuck. Wait, but he was running for president. He was both American and Canadian citizen because his mother was American, but Cruz was born in Canada, that fuck. Wait, but he was running for president. He was both American and Canadian citizen, because his mother was American, but he was born in Canada.

So, like, some sort of thing where... I'd say if you're born in a plane, you shouldn't be allowed to be president anywhere. The Mexican-Mormon War. Yeah, that's it. Vice. Full length. Fuck, dude. Interesting.

Yeah, they're at war, apparently, with the drug cartels down there. They get kidnapped and all kinds of crazy. Five-part thing. Seven-part thing. Jesus. You can watch the full-length thing on vice.com. I mean, the Warring Mormons sounds like a great band name. The Warring Mormons are playing Coachella next year.

The Mormon War. I want eight wives. I live in Mexico. It's like the Mormon choir. Well, I think that they were fine. Everything was cool until the drug war came. And when the drug war came, I think they got fucked. Because they're like, oh, well, now this place that we had sort of decided to live in is super dangerous.

Yeah. So now we got to go back. Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know what happened. I don't know when Mitt and his family decided to come back to good old US of A. Having two wives sounds good. You know, just have one on each side of the house.

You know, one week you spend one with one. On paper, dude. In theory. On paper. In theory. It's like communism in theory is awesome. Yeah. Because everyone just does their own thing and then all the things are split amongst everyone

and like, hey, you're a doctor and hey, you're a mechanic but we're going to take care of everyone and blah, blah, blah. It sounds great. And then you get

human beings into it where it's like, okay, now the doctor who went to 12 years of med school has to be like, whoa, I'm being paid the same as the mechanic?

What the fuck? Well, you know what also too, man? Like, whenever someone has any control over people at all, people don't like to be controlled at all. And you know, man? Like, whenever someone has any control over people at all, people don't like to be controlled at all. And, you know, you get one grown adult that has any control over another grown adult, and people resist, and it gets ugly. Yeah.

Telling people what they can and can't do with their existence on this planet. Right, right, right. They don't want to hear that shit. You will be a mechanic. You will be a carpenter. You will be a tailor. That's why Cuba doesn't work. Right. That's why Cuba doesn't work. Communism doesn't work in that way.

No, it doesn't. That style of dictator communism, dictator-driven communism, where they decide what you're going to do, what your occupation is going to be, how much you can make. Just socialism in general. The idea behind it is beautiful. We all contribute. We all become a part of this community. Behind is beautiful. We all contribute. I'll become a part of this community In a way your small family union that your small family unit is a communistic

State because you're all like helping each other out. Yeah, and you're all doing your jobs and wife and together That's very communist right absolutely piling all your money together and sure and then but no one's telling the wife like, you know, right? Some bitch you gotta do this. Well, hopefully not. Yeah. Yeah. This is the husband. This is his rule. But I guess you are kind of. I wonder if there's going to be any way that you can test for what you'd be best at, though. Like, that website 23andMe, it goes through your DNA and it tells you, like, if you have the warrior gene, if you have, like, all these certain genes, if your kids are going to be bald. But I wonder if there's ever going to be a thing where they go, you're going to be really good at math stuff.

You're going to be really good at arts. Yeah, but even if you are really good at it, like say if something comes along that says you're going to be really good at math, but you really want to be a musician. Like who the fuck is to tell you that you can't be a musician? Dr. Ken. Perfect example. Dr. Ken. Ken Jeong.

Yeah, Ken Jeong was a doctor. Yeah, like really recently. And good at it, apparently. Yeah, Ken Jeong was a doctor. Yeah, like really recently. And good at it, apparently. Yeah, he's a really good doctor. And he's like, you know, doing this acting thing and doing comedy, and I like that better. I'm making a good living at it. I'm going to do that instead. And he's funny.

And he's great at that. He's phenomenal at that. I just think there's a lot of people that like to do a lot of things. Like, look, what if someone told me that I could either be a cage-fighting commentator or a comedian? I couldn't be both. or have a podcast you know you know either you do a podcast or you know you do something else that's it one or the other i'd be like well how come or i can just do it all like i got time the fuck you want to do man like

that's the the beautiful thing one of the most beautiful things about life is people deciding what they want to focus their energy on and then you see the fruits of their labor Like someone who does murals like they could just decide I want to do really fucking cool murals or someone who makes music or someone Who writes books like you could just decide yeah? And when you got someone telling you what you can and can't do that just becomes all fucked up man Oh, yeah It's the it's it's the reverse psychology thing where you almost go against it even if it makes sense. Just because you're like, I don't like you telling me to do that.

Oh, yeah, man. It's not a natural aspect. For some people, it's natural. Some people enjoy being told what to do. They need that guidance in their life. They like it. And then there's also some people that like

being ordered around. There's like dominant and submissive people. There's people that enjoy that and there's nothing wrong with that either. That makes you happy. Freedom, man.

Freedom to be submissive is just as much of a freedom as the freedom to be free. You know, freedom to be an artist, freedom to be a doctor. Fucking let people figure out

what their thing is. Even from families, man. I mean, how many fucking people, like, I know a dude and his family disowned him. No, no, I'm sorry. His family disowned his sister because his sister didn't marry a doctor. His dad put the girl through nursing school with the hopes that the girl would marry a doctor he's his dad put the girl through Nursing school with the hopes that the girl would marry a doctor now and she's gonna be a nurse just what she can marry So she's gonna marry a doctor dad's a total piece of shit and the dad disowned her and Because she married some fucking mechanic or something like that fell in love with some regular, dude

This is the world is just filled with stories like that. For a while, my parents told me that I could only marry a dwarf because any tall woman would only want me for either a sick fetish or for fame or for money or something like that. Wow. They've since changed their tune.

Did you bring up Peter Dinklage? He's got a regular sized gal. Yes, he does. You said that with the eyebrow right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I like the tall women. I like them.

Why not, man? If they like you. All right. Why not? And that and, like, I have shelves in my house. I would love to get used. Yeah, get up there, bitch. I'm tired of using ladders.

Exactly. I would love to put things up there. Go get the fancy plates. Tonight, we eating off the fire in China. Yeah, you see those baked beans at the top shelf? Go grab them. That, like, that's dwarf porn. Dwarf porn is just watching people reach shit.

And you're just sitting there like, oh, God, I want to do that one day. That's so hot. just sitting there like, oh god, I want to do that one day. That's so hot. Do you worry as a stand-up that there's going to be a certain amount of dwarf jokes? You'll hit a wall? Yeah, I do.

But the thing is... Is this your first special? Yes, this is my first hour special. I have two albums out and then this is the third special, or the third hour that's being put out there. And what are the albums out called? And where can people get them if they want to get them? Yeah.

On iTunes, they're called Brad Williams Coming Up Short. And then the second album is called Hi Ho. And, yeah, they're available on iTunes. They're available on my website, bradwilliamscomedy.com. If you order them from my website, I'll sign them and send them to you. Oh, shit. Look at that. It's worth about five cents more.

Woo! All right so yeah, and and but the thing is is that like My jokes are always gonna have a little person perspective because I don't know how to write any other way They're not necessarily gonna be dwarf jokes like hey I can like this like this isn't this weird I wear this size shirt or whatever the fuck like it's not going to be I always use this example that a guy told me to say on stage he's like I wrote a joke

for you what's that he goes you go on stage and say you can take a bath in a thimble it's gonna be hilarious alright thanks thanks. Good. So that's like my example of like the cheesy dwarf joke. But no matter what I do, no matter what I experience, it's always going to be through that perspective simply because I don't know what it's like if it's that different to experience things through the eyes of a 5'8 guy. I don't know. I'm not familiar with it. I don't know. I'm not familiar with it.

I don't know if it's different. It might be exactly the same. Do you think that you'll ever get to a point where it just doesn't even get addressed? Say if you become a famous comic and you're 20 years in and you're doing specials on a regular basis every two, three years.

Everybody knows who you are. Everybody knows what you do. I would imagine. Because right now it's at a point where when I go on stage I have to talk about it because the entire audience is like yo what's this what's what's up with this I got I I gotta know because people aren't that familiar with little people it's an experience that a lot of people aren't necessarily and there's a lot of nuances to it that some people just aren't like quite aware

of so and they have a lot of questions so i go on stage and i address those questions uh but i don't want you to think that my entire act is just like dwarf joke dwarf joke right no like i go into you would run out right yeah there's only there's only so many things that that that you can cover right now uh in the new hour that i'm trying, that I'm trying to get together. A lot of the jokes are just like, this is what my life is. Like, these are the stories that happened to me that are weird as fuck that you

wouldn't, that your advertised person wouldn't even consider. And you don't think about, and it's not necessarily like, ah, if I fall off a curb, that's a long way, man.

You know, it's not like that. It's just like when a dude got like when, and I won't do the joke, but like a guy, I got into a car accident with a guy and he got out and when he saw me, he didn't give a fuck about the car accident. He was just like, whoa, all right, let's talk about this. And he just started asking me questions. Wow.

Like about being a- Was that a normal thing for you? Did that happen? Yeah. Like people have- Was that uncomfortable did you know the fact that he wasn't angry about the fact that I fucked up his car I was like whatever you hit him. Oh, it's totally my fault. I was texting while driving like oh fucking idiot Never do that people my fault So yeah, I wrecked his car. Thank you eating care. He's like dude. This is awesome

Like you just start talking about being a little person I'm like whatever whatever distracts you bro. It's fine an elf who just showed up. Yeah, like Bizarre you have phone books taped to your pedals and stuff like that. I have a pedal extenders So it's kind of close So it's like met metal rods that you put on that you attach and then you put that have a pedal on top of it Brian don't you remember that dude who drove us around? Oh, yeah in Texas? Yeah, no arm. He had no arms and legs He'll nubs. Yeah, no, he drove us around we got in the car and hand controls or what video of video Joe show 10 I believe is that available? Can you people find on YouTube? Yeah Wow?

Yeah, see if you can find that? I think it's on YouTube yeah wow yeah see if you can find that Jamie we'll end with that but yeah he's drives around with his elbows and he was like spinning yeah you know the steering wheel and necessity is the mother of invention yeah this it was a trip he was a really good dude and he was drunk I think I don't know if he was drunk I didn't

breathalyze him yeah oh look at that yeah he's got the nubs I forgot about him that was that's his song mate Nymphalism. Yeah. Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's got the nubs. I forgot about him. That was... That's his good rear naked defense. Yeah, he just slips out of it. Yeah, and this guy drives around. He drives around in his van. Wow.

Yeah, there's a part right after here where he actually shows him driving, I think. Wow. Yeah. And then his other friend... What was up with his other friend again? Oh, his other friend was paralyzed. He was in a wheelchair, and he was heckling, and he wouldn't stop heckling, so I taught a girl who's in the front row with him how to choke him unconscious.

So she choked the dude out cold. Oh, this is in Cap City. Yeah, yeah. Cap City Comic Club in Austin. Yeah. I recorded my first album there. That place is awesome, man. Love that club.

Show this part. part is a good part So is this the guy with no arms who's heckling yeah, no, this is his friend Yeah, no, this is his friend And then she choked him out well, yeah, she eventually did Coaxed it through it. Yeah forgot about this These people are so drunk and so stupid You right or left Squeeze that motherfucker That's Tate

That's awesome You know you have to be ruining a show When the audience is encouraging... To lose consciousness. A woman who just showed her tits to choke a man who's in a wheelchair, unconscious. She put him out. It was hilarious. You're lucky that dude didn't die, like, didn't sue the shit out of you.

No, no no no Yeah, how's a valet gonna utilize that equipment Oh valets fucking hate me it was fun With and yeah, would you valet your car? No like I, I pull up and I just go, dude, let me do it. Yeah, I would imagine, right? Like, they probably would have to have their knees up way high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, I've got my car. I've got my seat at the perfect spot where I can see the mirror.

The steering wheel's good. I can reach everything. It's good. And then the valet gets in and they just fuck it up. So I just just tell them hey, I'll pay the valet fee. Just let me park it I'll come out like just do that Are there certain cars you can use and certain cars you can't use like certain cars you can't adjust properly Yeah, like the car I have right now. I've got a Lexus CT which is a little hatchback hybrid and I didn't have to do too much to it

I got pedal extenders on that that were very small and then the seat moves up a lot But also their steering wheel extends out So I my arms are good cuz my arms are small but yes I was able to grab the steering wheel I can drive that thing with not too much modification The only thing I had to do was I also to pop the airbag because I'm really close to the steering wheel So if that so if that airbag goes off It takes your head off. Yeah, I'm gone. You ever seen people's faces when they get hit with that airbag? That airbag fucking

gives you some black eyes. It looks like they got hit with a waffle iron. Like those lines on their face. That's a good way to put it. Yeah, and I gotta tell this to you, based on watching that video. Thank you, because you treated that guy and his

friend like an equal you you're just like no you're in the front row your buddy's heckling i don't care you got no arms well there was 300 other people in the show that he was ruining it for when right so but people have to deal with and you and we could all agree on this yeah when you're doing a show and someone is heckling you it's not just you this person's fucking it up for you they're fucking up for the whole room that's why everybody gets angry at them yeah it's like people don't understand that like there's this thing like you're trying to put on a show and when someone jumps in like that like that person needs to be stopped at all costs yeah i like when i get a heckler, it's why some people

say when a comic will go on stage and they get a heckler and then they get like, oh, but this woman was heckling him and then he said that she should go get raped by a thousand dicks. It's like, he's not thinking, or she's not thinking what's politically correct at that moment. Your only thought is, shut

the fuck up. Get this person to shut up. And also thought is, shut the fuck up. Yeah, be as mean as possible. Get this person to shut up. And also reflect the attitude of the room. Right. Because the room, they're fucking angry. Yes. They want to say something like that, but they can't.

Right. So you're the voice of that. Yeah, they're 15, 20 rows back, and if you say, I hope you get raped by a thousand dicks, they're like, yes! They don't really think that. Right, no. But that's, when you violate the agreement, the agreement is you come to a show. I talk, you laugh.

Yeah, that's it. That's the agreement. You come, you're an audience member. You're not a part of the show. And you're interrupting bits that are planned out in advance. You're interrupting timing. You're making it all about you. You're a selfish fuck.

Right. And I hate that excuse of, well, you should be a professional. It's part of your job. That is part of the job. Yeah, that I shut you's part of your job. That is part of the job. Yeah, that I shut you the fuck up in any way possible. But the idea that you should be a professional, meaning that you should just deal with it, and you shouldn't say anything mean to these people. Yeah, but without saying anything controversial.

Fuck you. You don't even know what this job is. You don't. You have no idea. People think that just because they paid money to come see you, they can sort of dictate how you do it. Well, yeah, it's the same way with the movies. I paid money to see this X-Men movie. It must be to my liking.

Cyclops is wearing the wrong outfit. Cunts. Cunts. Avengers, right? Avengers, not X-Men. I gotta remember. Alright, Brad Williams, Funny Brad on Twitter, and your special is May 8th. May 8th, Brad Williams Fun Size.

Which is really soon. That's like this week. On Recover. What's today? This Friday, yeah. Today is the 6th? Oh, two days away. Yeah.

Showtime, Brad Williams. And then the other ones are available on iTunes. You just do a Brad Williams search or go to bradwilliamscomedy.com. And the podcast that I do with Adam Ray is called About Last Night. Mr. Redman is a guest on a very future episode. We've had Melissa McCarthy. We've had Bud Saget. We've got a lot of cool people on there.

Hopefully in the future, Joe Rogan. We'll talk. Yeah. And listen. And I'm really glad I finally got to do this because, like I said, years ago, I hated you having never met you. And now I... I never hated you, dude.

There you go. I'm glad we got together, too. It was fun. Thanks, buddy. All right. Brad Williams, ladies and gentlemen. See you fuckers soon. Bye-bye.

You've never been on a roller coaster? Oh, I've been on. Yeah. Okay.