The Joe Rogan Experience - #65 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: December 21, 2010

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz.

Okay. I need a goddamn DJ Mixmaster character. Are we recording? No, no. Hold on. Calm down, fella. Calm down. Keep it together, son.

There we go. Making noises here. Yeah. Let's do this. We going? Yes. This is it? Uh-huh. This is We going? Yes. This is it? Uh-huh.

This is for real? Right. Oh, shit. 90s. Yes. Early 90s, right? Oh, yeah. Pro black and it ain't no joke, bitches.

That's how we do it here. This guy was good, man. Whatever happened to Paris? He went to Paris. He's done. we doing here this guy was good man whatever happened to paris i need to get a Paris t-shirt. Respect. You just released a new album, it looks like, in 2009. Oh, really? Somebody tell me, is Paris on Twitter?

Can we find this man? Can we perhaps resurrect what was once at much greater heights? What can we do, Joey? We'll put him on tour with Orange Juice Jones. That's the fucking show right there. Orange Juice Jones, Paris, and somebody else. How many songs did Orange Juice Jones have, though? Half of one.

He didn't even have a whole song. He would just open up then, and Paris would take that thing over. He would open up. Yeah, you would have to have him open. He would shout out to the ladies in the audience. How about a round of applause for the soldiers? You know, all that shit. Kill time. How about a round of applause for the waitstaff?

How about a round of applause for all the sexy ladies in the house? There's a lot of black dudes like to do that in their act. A lot of people like to do that in their act. A lot of people like to do that. Give big rounds of applause. Give rounds of applause. Where's all the party people who's drinking? Who's got HIV? Go fuck yourself.

Bust this motherfucker out. Thank you for having me, bro. Did you hear the thank you? Please. Thank you for being here. Welcome to the Joe Rogan Experience. Fleshlight. As you fuckers know, we're sponsored by Fleshlight. You don't need to fuck your hand no more. You can fuck a cup that has hair in it or whatever. It looks like a big gulp.

I seen the blue one and I finally watched Pieces of Avatar. Now I knew what the blue one was for. I didn't watch the whole Avatar yet. Here it is. That's the little asshole one. You know what I'm saying? I wonder if they're going to get away with this whole blue alien pussy thing. People like it. I think they already did. They got away with it? How'd they get

away with it? Well, it's just a blue alien. You guys are the ones that are making references to Avatar. But didn't they have images on their site that looked like Avatar-type creatures? No, that was from a movie porn parody of Avatar. And didn't they sell that porn parody with this? No, I think that was just... I think they did. They were in conjunction with it.

I think they were selling it. Really? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe they were in think they were selling it really yeah i don't know maybe they were in conjunction but either way i mean it's certainly implied well i have no issue with it i think it should be accepted under the laws of parody you know if you can make a parody of something you should make a fake pussy of something too a double-clicked pussy is a goof parodies are weird to me i don't understand how it works. There was a bobblehead recently that was Steve Jobs' bobblehead,

and only like 300 were made or something like that, and they put a stop to it because it was a likeness of somebody. But it was a parody. It didn't look exactly like him. It was like a big head bobblehead, but I guess that was considered too much of a parody or something, using your likeness. That's a weird weird line right you

can goof on someone but if you're selling things when you're goofing on them like how much what happens like if you do like what if you were like uh jim brewer and jim brewer did that joe pesci impression right remember he used to do that impression all the time right and he started selling t-shirts that said like joe pesci says go fuck yourself and it's him with that expression yeah but poor parodies are parodies so yeah and they're making money off of it but yet you can't sell a bobblehead that looks like steve jobs well that was steve jobs because he's steve fucking jobs he got more money than god he shut him down yeah but more money than god maybe they're just not maybe they're seeing avatar as like a fake character that someone has constructed so it's

you're allowed to have a parody of that right and not of a guy who's not an entertainment absolutely figure yeah because he's just a person yeah but then how did they do like george bush shit and like i don't know i think maybe it's public domain when you hit like a certain height like when you get to be like george bush famous maybe you become public domain maybe you could just sell bush sucks t-shirts with his face on it i don't't know. How does that happen? Do you think they do them and then they just get shut down? Like they just, the State Department

comes after them to say, hey, stupid. You can't sell George Bush t-shirts, asshole. Close up shop. The State Department won't say that to you. What those motherfuckers will do is put an audit on your ass. You know what I'm saying? Did you hear about that fucking guy in Iran that went to jail for like, I think it was six years because he made a movie

about the corruption during the elections? It's a fucking sad story, man. Anybody complains about America and how fucked up America is and all this WikiLeaks shit? It's fucked up, but it's the best of the fucked up places. You can make a movie about insurance.

You can make a movie about fucking bashing people here, but in other countries, it don't fly, though. Yeah, they really didn't fly. They locked this fucking guy up. Well, that whole election, man, you remember all the riots that they were having? I don't know the exact particulars, but it was very clear there was some serious corruption.

The corruption levels in those places is just so mind-boggling. Go vote, but the box is already stuffed with ballots. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's like that one. Yeah, it's so fucking corrupt. Those places are so bad. These poor people live in hell anyway. So this guy that got put in jail, he knew that there was going to be consequences.

He just thought he was fucking cute. You got to be careful in those places, man. Yeah, he thought he was cute and he was trying to make a change. But I don't know if that's how changes gets made. I mean, I guess it is. Man, I mean, it has to be the overwhelming will of the people to to bend back a corrupt government i mean it takes an incredible amount of effort to bend back a really corrupt government the key is to never let it get too corrupt because people like all the laws are in place i mean what what's really important about

them is to keep shit from getting out of hand because once it's get out gets out of hand it can stay out of hand people get really used to anything you know the people in liberia just like the people here they're just growing up in this fucking insane war zone chaos cannibal environment with fucking warlords and guns in little kids hands and they're just shooting people and you know they get used to that though man you get used to that it's very difficult to turn that into this. The key is to never let this become that. Because if it does become that, then that becomes the norm. It would take hundreds of years to turn Liberia around.

Yes, it would take hundreds of years. You're not going to go in there with a regime and just, we're going to stop. You're certainly not going to go in there with boxes of rice and fix everything. You have to fix these people as human beings. You have to – the influence of all these people who have experienced murder. I mean that's just through – it permeates through the entire culture.

All these people have experienced horrific murders in their lives. When you have a whole culture like that and you have this guy, General Bucknaked. You ever heard of that guy's story? He's from Liberia. General Bucknaked used to take off all his clothes and fucking fight naked and go shoot naked. And he would find an innocent child of the enemy, and then they would kill it and eat parts of its body and drink its blood. What an asshole. No bullshit, okay? And this guy was just running through these countries or these territories having these fucking horrific wars.

And they all saw this shit. And everybody's seen terrible, terrible things happen in Liberia. And if you try to take that guy or try to take any of those people and try to turn them around and make them like a normal, everyday person. It's virtually impossible. The guy shoots people fucking naked. Yeah. You know, he's got a 12-inch dick. He's black. He's running down the street shooting other fucking people.

You know, you can't. It's a terrifying story. He grew up in this different environment. These people are cannibals. Uh-huh. Those people are fucking animals. And they're used to it, man. And this guy's become like a saved Christian.

It's really kind of crazy because he's still out. You know, I mean, even though everyone, I mean, he admits to all these crimes and all the shit that he's done, he's still just like kind of walking around and everybody's like, whoa, shouldn't we like lock this guy up? He ate babies. Right.

And there's video of him talking about eating babies. Now, the cannibalism that's done there, like in that type of, is the cannibalism done for hunger? Some of it's for food. And the other part is to kill the spirit. So you conquer that motherfucker. Yeah, there's a lot of that, too.

That's the whole patois of it, too. Yeah, there's a lot of that. I'm going to kill Brian and eat his fucking ear so he never can come back to get me ever again. That's part of it. You know what I mean? If Brian does come back, he's going to eat his motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

It just shows a certain amount of ferocity. You know, a certain amount of ferocity. You want to kill someone and eat them. And eat them. That's true. I mean, what they're doing is they're participating in the most ferocious war zone in the world. And in this war zone in Africa, man, some of the fucking civil rights violations, some of the horrible things that happen there. When you read about, I think they call them the Hutus and the Tutsis, these two warring tribes that have been after each other forever.

They participate in machete attacks where they go into villages while everyone's asleep and they hack them to death with machetes. I mean, dude, there's some crazy apocalyptic shit going down in Africa, man. And it's been going down for 2,000 fucking years. That's the mother. The problem is it's already happened. It's too late. It's too late. The culture is it's already happened. It's too late. It's too late. You can't.

The culture's so fucked up. Everything's so crazy. It's like, how do you stop it from ever getting to that spot? That's what we've got to make sure. And every little fucking creep of corruption, every little grip that we lose, every little time that something fucking gets away, every time that the corruption gets worse and worse, we get closer to that. That's the ultimate end of the horrible attitudes

and ideas of society is that eventually society degrades to some fucking crazy Mad Max type situation. That's such an appealing theme in movies because we know that everybody's just got to keep it together so that this doesn't happen because this is a real possibility. Let me tell you something. I don't know about Mad Max. I seen that fucking movie with Denzel Washington.

The United, but Oh, Eli, the book, the worst fucking piece of shit. I watched 15 minutes of that. Denzel, you shot your low with man on fire.

Thank fucking God. Cause that, whatever. I don't even like those movies. They don't make no sense to me. Road Warrior was good. I could see fighting for gas and stabbing motherfuckers on the 101. That I don't mind.

Killing somebody on the 405 that cuts you off in a fucking bad car and shit. Getting one of those helicopters and shit. But that shit walking around. The baddest motherfucker with guns and knives and swords. And wasn't he blind too? I don't fucking know. And hedest motherfucker with guns and knives and swords. And wasn't he blind, too? I don't fucking know. And he was horrible with the swords. Get fucking Blade to go in there and teach how to stab a motherfucker.

Blade was a badass motherfucker when he was in there with the swords. By the way, he's doing time. Is that true? Is he in jail right now? Yeah, he had a report. I believe he's in jail. Anybody know where they have him? You got to pay your taxes, ladies and

gentlemen. I don't give a fuck if you think it's a scam. It seems like it is. It seems like, man, this is the mob. I'm getting worked over. Why do I have to pay 48%? Because you do. Just throw in. Everybody has to throw in. Yeah, it's kind of corrupt. Yeah, we're not exactly sure where it all goes. Yeah, it's kind of

crazy that you don't get to vote on where your money goes. But throw the fucking money in, you crazy assholes. 48% is what keeps this from turning into Africa. Yes, yes. Always remember that. That 48%. And even then, I mean, people getting hookers with it. You know, that congressman getting their dick sucked and whatever.

But just put it behind you and pay your taxes because that's their paper, dog. People don't concentrate on, too, as far as government. A big part of what government is is providing jobs. There's a lot of people that need jobs. And if you're going to get that tax money, the best way to get that tax money is to make more government jobs. Make more unnecessary jobs so that you give money to people. Now, here's something else that you better know about this. Wesley Snipes pissed somebody off.

Well, he pissed somebody off. You can't not pay your taxes for like seven years when you're a huge movie star. Well, you can't not pay your taxes. It's what happens after that. The government doesn't want to put you in jail when you make those type of duckers. Yeah, but they do if you've taken a stance. He took a stance and he told them to go fuck themselves. He wrote something on a letter.

He told them to suck his dick. They took him a bill. That's what they did They go after you big time Do you know this happened? Yeah, no, no, this is a true story He wrote something like He didn't think he had to pay taxes

He made like an England or something It's something stupid Listen, let me tell you I didn't pay taxes for After 91 I got divorced and I became a comic, and that was my point, was to become a fucking outlaw. So I didn't want to pay taxes, and I was scared shit. I didn't pay taxes from 91 to 2004.

I walked in that building. When you said that, outlaw, if we were on the ball, we would have had some Clint Eastwood movie sound playing in the background. No, no, no, no, no. You know, when I first read the Lenny Bruce book, and I liked that whole patois, to me it seemed like he disappeared. He was a comic that disappeared, and I liked that idea. He just disappeared.

Like you used to say, he's gone. We don't know where he is. We can't get a hold of him. And I always liked that. So I stopped paying taxes. I wouldn't make any money those years. I think it was one year I made money. But when I went down there, the government was very nice to me. They gave me a payment

plan. They took the 10 years I didn't pay and said, don't worry about it. All you gotta go back is 7 years and now till today I pay a monthly juice every month. How much do you owe? I owe after everything, I think I got them for $8,000. I knew a lot of comics that had problems with taxes in Boston

because in Boston they got paid in cash. So a lot of guys for years they just lived high on the hog and never did anything about it. And they just figured out. Oh, they'll come get you. They'll knock on the door eventually. I know so many comics. Everybody. They always knock on the door.

Either that or when you win the lottery. And they were making good money. There was a time. Fuck yeah. I wasn't at that level when I was coming up. Like right as I was coming up, when I was like just barely starting to get paid work, the headliners in town could do, there was a Knicks comedy stop. They would do, I swear to God, they would do five shows a night, man. They would

go from one room to the other room. They had two rooms downstairs and one room upstairs. They would shuffle people in all night and the fucking shows would be packed. And these guys were making crazy money and it was all cash. They were all just raking in the cash, and they just never put it aside. They never fucking put those taxes aside. They just spent what they had, and they just didn't do anything about it. And then before you know it, they were fucked. They owe $100,000 or something crazy. Oh, they send you a bill?

They send you a bill to make your head go out of the fucking room. Yeah, you don't realize, man If you make a hundred grand A hundred grand, you know, a few years in a row Like a lot of these guys are making You owe a lot of it to the government You owe a lot of money That's when you start working for yourself You really start noticing what taxes really are

You're like, wow, what a giant chunk But if I I would pay it willingly Happily If I thought that we were all working in the right direction and that everybody was trying to clean the world up and make people nicer and, you know, and stop all the douchiness and, you know, and clean out all our fucked up laws and I would pay it all, fix the streets. If you're doing the right thing with it, I'd be more than happy to give up half my money. But I don't trust you fucking cunts. That's the problem. You can't trust them. The people that want to be in positions of power should never be in positions of power. Anybody who wants to

be the president, what the fuck is wrong with you? You want to run everything? Really? $250,000 a year. And you got kids. And you got kids. Is that what the president makes? $250,000 a year? I get the idea of I think it's $500,000

maybe less. So Brock Lesnar got half of that for catching a beat. He got $200,000 for catching a beat. He got $200,000 on paper. Sort of. He has pay-per-view deals. But it said $200,000 on paper. I don't know how they work the pay scale. It's very

tricky. I gotta tell you something. We came here today because you always say to me, every fucking time you come here, you always have a fucking story. I don't even know where you get them from. I don't know where you get these stories. It's incredible. I've known you my whole life, and you keep coming up with new stories.

We came in tonight, and I seen your family, and it was really nice to see them, and I seen your wife. It was funny, the first time I met your wife, we met in Vegas at the Riviera. And we were sitting there having a great time. You know what's coming. Oh, yeah. And some chick kept talking to us. And she was really annoying. And it turned out to be a guy that had become a chick and was part of that theater group

next to the Dirty Show where women take their clothes off. She showed us. She showed us. But back me on this. She was beautiful. She looked good. She looked like a girl. You couldn't tell.

And then they sued her because, or she got fired because they found out she was a man before that. And then she tried to sue the Riviera or whoever it was. And there was one point at night where I go, you know, at that time I was really crazy. I had no blow. And I'm like, come on, show me a monkey. And she showed me and Joe her pussy. And she just had a whole board. Like they took where her dick was, cut it off, and took a board drill.

And took that piece of meat out. And then they took artificial turf. And they put it around this hole. And it had no clit to it. Like, the clit you could see was stitched on. And here's the funny thing. Like, I thought about this. I took it to my room afterward to get high with it.

And you know what? If I would have done coke and drink, I would have had to suck my dick. Just out of general purpose for the story. You know what I'm saying? Because she looked great, guys. She was a trans. You had the best description for it. You said, it looked like a bat with its mouth open. Yeah, with its mouth open.

It looked like this fucking. A bat with its mouth open. She went back to your hotel room, though? After we were all hanging out. There was a bunch of comics hanging out. All right. And somebody said, do you have weed or whatever? And it was me, the guy from Schniglet's.

Hey. What's that kid's name? He was with us that night it was me, the guy from Schniglet's. Hey. What's that kid's name? He was with us that night. He was big in it. What is Schniglet's? The show? No, he did that. The Riviera has a couple different rooms.

And it was me and you in the dirty room. And in the big room was that kid that was good friends with Harris P. He lived in Montana. And he did that whole thing. Oh, Rich Schneidner. Rich Schneidner? Something like that. No, no, no. Not Rich Schneidner. No, no, noidner. Schneidner? Something like that. No, no, no.

Not Rich Schneidner. No, no, no. And you're not talking about Southern black children. No, no, no. Rich Hall. Rich Hall. Yes. And then I remember we were sitting there.

You left, and we're sitting there. Both very funny guys. Rich Hall and Schneidner. Yeah, nobody had weed. And I go, you know, the girl goes, obviously she had weed. You know, she's got a ton of weed. She's like, I smoke in the fucking hotel. These motherfuckers can't do nothing to me. You know, I'm got a ton of weed. She's like, I smoke in the fucking hotel. These motherfuckers can't do nothing to me.

You know, I'm suing them. And me, her, and Rich Hall went up to the room, and I remember all of us smoking dope, and I'm looking at this chick going, if I had coke. They sucked both of your dicks, didn't they? I watched this show, and I don't remember what it was. It was some sort of a documentary, but I remember being really high,

and then I stumbled upon it. And the show was, it was all these drag queens, like a beauty contest for drag queens in Vegas. It was all transsexuals, like a full transsexual beauty show. I was like, wow, this is the strangest fantasy ever. These guys, a lot of it was like some weird fantasy thing. Like this guy had, he was a fucking man, bro. He had this big manly ass face and manly fucking shoulders. He's taking hormone

shots and he's waltzing around on this stage like a ballerina. And I'm like, this is the craziest shit I've ever seen in my life. This guy wants to be a woman so much he chopped his cock off. seen in my life this guy wants to be a woman so much he chopped his cock off he's willing to go through hormonal replacements you know where they they make you actually grow tits that's just like really like a lot of people do that more than you would think that hormonal thing like there's tons of people that do that that become a different sex yeah I want to be a boy I saw reports the other day on it like how many people are doing that sorry bon How fucked up is Sonny Bono's chick? She's starting to look like Ralphie May.

She looks just like Ralphie May. She looks just like Ralphie. It's hysterical. I met her once. I met her once in the Sonny and Cher show, and although she was pleasant, she had a very strange energy. Sonny and Cher show? Not Sonny and Cher show. Donny and Marie show. Donny and Marie. Did I say Sonny and Cher?

That's funny. I was thinking about that because of her... Yeah, I was on the Sonny and Cher show when Donny and Marie show. Donny and Marie. Did I say Sonny and Cher? Sonny and Cher. That's funny. I was thinking about that because of her. Yeah, I was on the Sonny and Cher show when I was one. But no, Donny and Marie show. I don't know how I got those two confused. But she was on it. And I was on it. It was me and Dave Foley. And I remember her saying hi, but just being this weird thing.

Like I did something. You ever meet somebody and they look at you like you did something? All the time. You're like, I didn't do anything. What the fuck did I do?

Yeah. Like a disdainful... Double lines go down. Yeah. I mean, I was not even a notorious person. I hadn't done anything.

I was just an actor. Just fucking there to promote our sitcom. That's it. But there was this weirdness, you know? And it might mean nothing. It might be my own personal insecurities. That's it. But there was this weirdness, you know. And it might mean nothing. It might be my own personal insecurities.

It could be. But it could be that this bitch is crazy. And when it goes from there to I don't think I'm a woman, I'm a man, and I need to, oh, okay. Okay. Well, now I understand what that look was all about. Hey, let me ask you something. People online, I don't know, about 10, 15 years ago,

they did a special on one of those 2020s about where people go for that surgery. For what surgery? To change. Oh, sex change? And the biggest place is a place in Colorado. And the doctor that does it in southern Colorado, you got to look this up. I don't know the whole particulars, but the guy who does it only does it on the weekends. Oh, Jesus.

Because during the week, he's like a farmer. What? And on the weekends, he does the transsexual. Oh, my God. I've seen that. You've seen this. I saw that. He does the operations in like a fucking motel room.

There you go. There you go. It's like an office. It's fucking crazy that you would let another guy cut your dick off and slit you up in a hotel room in Colorado. I figured for that, you either go to Israel or Hong Kong or with some smart people, you know what I'm saying? But you're going to go let a farmer fucking cut your dick off and tuck it in. And does this guy have a good reputation?

I haven't seen this show. Maybe he's just a bad motherfucker who works at a hotel. I know he was booked fucking solid. Oh, my God. He was booked solid. But it's a process. You have to go to psychology and pills. It's not just, I want to get my dick cut off.

I can do it in six months. Do you imagine the weirdness that you would feel if a guy had remorse that you cut his cock off? He's like, can you go back and fix it? Like, whoa. No, we can't. No, we can't. We can't do anything. We can't do anything.

You can't be pissing out of your asshole. That's a wrap, son. That's a wrap. It's over. You're a chick now. There's a lot, son. That's a wrap. It's over. You're a chick now. There's a lot of chicks. Go through life as a chick.

Is leather made out of animal skin? Like, is it animal skin, straight animal skin? And you can live off eating skin for some time, right? I don't know. That's a good question. I don't know if there's any nutrition in leather. I mean, I guess there'd probably be some really crude protein and fiber. I mean, like, you could eat chicken skin and live off chicken skin.

Yeah, but I think it's a difference in the way it's processed. A lot of points. That when leather becomes leather, I don't know. Someone out there will answer this question. I'm always thinking like if you're really poor, you could probably eat your shoes if they're leather shoes. Well, I think people did. I think they did that in the Depression. I think that was like a common story. See, I always thought that was just like a saying.

Boil your fucking shoes with rice and shit and potatoes. Come on. Who are we kidding? What the fuck is wrong with you? Back in the Depression, man, that must have been fucking crazy. 1920s, they're all walking around. Eating shoes. Eating shoes and shit.

Was it the 20s? Was that what the Depression was? I don't know. When was the Depression? The great 30s. 30s? Hey, man, you just gotta hunt and catch and eat possums and there's creative ways to cook a fucking rabbit and you'll learn

how the hell to do it. Going to see Charlie Chaplin tonight and bringing two boots. It's gonna be a big time. 1929 and it lasted until the late 1930s or early 40s. Wow. 11 years. So this shit was 11 years? Oh my God. That's a lot.

Man, famous footwear would have been banking. Dude, that's scary as fuck, man, when you hear shit like that. The Great Depression. We're headed right back there right now. Because even the title of it, The Great Depression, that shit's depressing, man. You're fucking bumming me out. Yeah, why couldn't they pick a better name for it? Like the super happy time.

The economic down period. You know happy time. The economic down period. You know, call it the economic down period. Everybody's broke, but we're having a good time. Depression is a fucking terrible word. That's just gray film. That's what I see. I see black and white movies with crying and blood and suicides. Yeah.

Did you see that fucking guy try to commit suicide in the Roman? I think it was Roman Parliament or something like that. The guy fucking swan dives in the middle of this, he's in the middle of this, you know, this assembly room, and he gets on top of this balcony and fucking jumps, and he lives. Wow. Because he only fell like 30 feet. He falls and slams into these chairs and gets fucked up. Oh, that's important.

I mean, he gets fucked up, dude. And he doesn't even try to catch himself. He's trying to commit suicide while he's doing it. He just lived. When I was a kid, a guy at the bar I hung out with, he tried to kill himself. His name was Johnny Reed. He jumped off like a building and he landed in a construction dumpster and lived. Oh my god. And his head stood. And he was just

retarded. One day I showed him my dick. When I was like 18, I put it on the chair next to him and I tapped him on the shoulder and he goes, wow! And that was the end of that. He never talked to me again, Johnny Reed. I put it on the chair next to him and I tapped him on the shoulder and he goes, wow. And that was the end of the night. He never talked to me again, Johnny Reed. It was Romania. It was a Romanian parliament. Sorry.

What's up, dog? Brian, big pimping over the holidays. Look at him. You should see it. Slinging dick and giving out bubble gum. You guys should see it because it's really crazy. The guy says, you killed our future and then fucking swan dives.

It's nowhere near high enough to kill him. I don't know what the fuck he was thinking. Just attention. I can never imagine trying to commit suicide and fucking up and you gotta be around your friends and shit all the time. You wanna see this guy? No, I don't wanna see that fucking momo. He just jumps off a building and lives. He should be shot and fucking

hung. They should arrest you for felony stupid when you do that shit like that. It's hilarious how committing suicide is against the law. Is it? Sure. In America too? Of course. What happens to you if you commit suicide and you faint? You can't help someone either. I mean, look at that Kevorkian. You know, people who want to die, you can't help them. You can't help them kill themselves. Even if

they're dying, even if they're in horrible, horrible pain, you're not allowed to help them kill themselves. That's ridiculous. There's a certain point in time when people are not going to come back. There's a certain point in time when someone's in terrible, terrible agony. Help them. give them some shit so they don't have to fucking feel that why is that so hard to do well how can you lock someone up for that you know but then you find out about kevorkian that he was really kind of a creepy fuck and he's just

rather like these horrible this horrible artwork like about murders and shit and really like something like really morose about but think about it jo Rogan if I call you at 2 in the morning you sit here you're a little stone I should look that you're watching a movie and I call you up and say Joe I don't want to live no more come up by your house I want to kill myself you would say really come on up I'll help you no news I'll push in for the traffic if it's 3 o'clock in the morning I see Joey Diaz his number of This is a motherfucker that clearly doesn't know me, ladies and gentlemen. No, obviously. If it's 3 o'clock in the morning, I see Joey Diaz's number on the call ID. I go, oh, fuck that motherfucker, that crazy asshole.

What is he doing? I'm going to sleep. No, Joey. What time did you go to bed last night? I can't use my pool. What time did you go to bed last night? I almost called you. It's always like 4.

4. My sleep schedule has been worse lately. I've been not being able to sleep until like 5.30, 6 o'clock. That's because you're a swinger, dog. You're up every night. You're slinging dick. You know what I'm saying? You're going to parties.

For me, it's writing. I get my best writing done late at night. I can think better when the world's asleep. There's just something about I can go deeper into my head. See, I go the opposite way. I got to go to sleep when you get up early. Do you? Yeah, I like to get up at 3.

Like, Monday I got up at 3. Last night I got up at like 3.30 for a little while. I think my craziest shit at night. But then I get too fucking stoned.

I got to go back to bed. I get so fucking stoned at 3, 4 in the morning, you know? And I try to keep it under control. Like, one bong hit, another one an hour later,

a little coffee. Joey, we got to get you in that tank. You would fucking love it. You would fucking love it. You would fucking love it. Yeah, I like all that piece of shit. You need to get in the isolation tank. They got one.

I think you can fit in it. The kid emailed me. You can go to the one in Burbank, too. The kid fucking emailed me, your buddy. What's his name? Craig, Crash. Crash, email me. Where's his?

Float Lab, Venice. Venice, okay. Yeah, he's the master. Now, after you leave Venice He's the master How do you feel? Can I drive back here? Oh, fuck yeah

You don't feel drunk or anything, no You're 100% sober You'll feel so relaxed You know, when I go to acupuncture I leave acupuncture on Tuesdays or Thursdays That night I don't plan nothing Because I don't want to sleep like a fucking baby But I know how

This is why I say it I know how you love to get blasted You like to get high as fuck Just blasted By myself And then while you're there you're eating cookies and i've had conversations with you where it's this is a typical conversation with joey like any any given 11 p.m evening dog i just ate this banana bread i'm up

i'm up i hide from my wife are you fucking close that fucking door I hide from my wife. Are you fucking kidding me? Joe Rogan, are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? I get so fucking blasted sometimes. You would love an isolation tank, man. Because when you get that blasted and then you climb in the tank, you go on these journeys, man.

It's like the most insane amusement park ride ever. You can go on these journeys in your own mind. You go on these fantastic adventures when you're super big, especially if you eat it. Something about eating it and getting in the tank. Holy shit. I have hallucinations, man. I see a lot of animated things.

A lot of weird cartoons play out. A lot of weird fucking, I mean, really, but really repeated shit. It repeats itself. The same sort of themes over and over again. And a lot of it is animated characters. It's almost like some crazy fucking gonzo dimension that you can peer into when you're super high. When you're super, super high. What's up with the fucking orange suit here?

What are we doing? He hasn't taken it off. What fucking? You're part-time for Southwest. I'm working for NASA. You don't even know. That's a good jacket, then. Brian gave it to me for Christmas.

Where'd you get it from? I got to wear it out of respect. Where'd you get it from? There's a retro store in Studio City that's just like an old retro clothing store. Plus, when I want to say silly things, I feel so much more comfortable saying silly things like this. I think we should do a whole podcast where we just have goggles on and we just start talking crazy shit. I almost lost an eye the other day from my cat, by the way.

That motherfucker. Cats were chasing each other. I was laying on couch. Cat jumps down and claw hits me. Corner of eye, other corner of eye, and right below hitting my eyelid. It stuck and just went like that. Just like almost ripped. Your cat's a cunt, man.

Why does your cat think it can jump on you? He was getting chased by the other cat. Listen, man, your cat should never think that it can jump on your face. Right. I think it was like more of a fall jump. You got to learn how to smack your cat in the head. Oh, dude, it was so close. You got to make sure that your cat is treating you like a bitch.

Your cat is saying, I don't have to run on your shoulder and be considerate. I'll run on your fucking head because my comfort is more important to me than you. Yeah. Your cat punked you, bro. I know. That's bullshit. But that's crazy. Out of nowhere, I almost got blind.

This is what you do. You got to grab your cat by the back of the neck. You got to grab your cat by the back of the neck and look at him in the eye and say, listen, hooker, this shit ain't going to fly. Okay? I'm the one who comes with the food. I'm the one who comes with the massages. You don't claw my fucking eyes out, shithead.

And then put them down. They'll never do it again. Make sure you got the goggles on when you say that. You know what I'm saying? So he won't fucking scratch you again in the eyeball. He's just paying me back for my rodeo cat videos I've been doing with him. Have you seen that? No.

I have this thing where he sits on the back of the chair. And I just start shaking it. And he just holds on as tight as he can until he falls off. But he loves it he just jumps back up and it's like do it again do it again oh so it's like a game you guys yeah it's like earthquake yeah you have little agreements with cats like games that you'll play with them right i have one cat like i there's an agreement when i get her on her back and i shake her stomach then she's allowed to bite me and kick me then we're playing they're playing like bite me and kick me. Then we're playing. They're playing like bite me and kick me. Yeah.

You know, it's like we know. We both know what we're doing. You know, she doesn't really bite me hard and she doesn't really kick me hard. And we're just like, oh, why you, why you ought to. You know, it's weird. You know what I mean? You get like little agreements with cats. You know, like when it's time to play.

And dogs too. Yeah. You know, they know like you go, rah, rah, rah. And they're like, rah, rah, rah, rah. They know we're playing now. Oh, here, we're going to do this thing that we always do. Like, they don't even know a word of English. They have no idea how to talk.

But yet, they understand. How fucking amazing are pets? I love it. How fucking amazing are pets? They're great if you take care of them, man. They're great if you love them and take care of them. If you love your pet, it's just amazing. That's the most excitement I get at 3 in the morning.

Because my cats, they're so alert at 3 in the morning. And I can feel their fucking. They're nocturnal, right? I can see them fucking around and how they get, and I get up. And I'm like the pope of the fucking neighborhood with the animals. I walk my wife to the train at 7. I walk back. I stop by the two cats in the corner, Biggie and Choco,

and these two old ladies have a dog. And I fucking walk around the block. Do you really? You walk a dog? Yeah, man. Yeah. Because I love animals. Yeah, you've always loved animals.

Oh, I fucking love animals, man. Every time I come over to my house, Joey's more excited to see my dogs than me. Oh, my God. It's something they give you. And once you have that understanding with them, even if, bro, there's a dog I walk, walks around with a muzzle thing. And I just went up to her and said, fuck you and your muzzle, bitch. You don't intimidate

me. You're not going to bite me. I've been bit before. And she's like, you can see, she's like one of those shepherd mixes. And once in a while they get hit in the head with a hammer when they're younger. They don't come back, those shepherds. Those fucking Nazi dogs. Those dogs can be very mean. And this dog, she even says it.

The owner even says to me, she goes, I can't understand what you have with her. I'm a criminal. I know these fucking dogs. I'm an expert on fucking dogs. I was a burglar, Jack. You got to know dogs, you know? And I have no fear. You got to love them and stand your ground.

I have no fear of dogs. I had a dog bite me in the face. I had a dog paw me. I've been bit all over my fucking body. I have no fear of dogs. I've been bit all over my fucking body. I have no fear of dogs. I've been bit by a pit bull. I have fear of dogs. I got bit the other day by a dog.

Did you really? Yeah. I went over to this person's house. They have two dogs that kind of, they stay outside to guard the house. You know, like there's a fence going around the whole entire house. But I mean, they're dogs,

that they're a family dog, but they live outside for the majority of the time And this dog was barking Are they big? How big are they? They're pretty big, about your size 70 pounds? Yeah, big dog And it was one of those things where I was supposed to go around the back

And I was trying to go through the front And the dogs were barking I'm like, hey, hey, I guess I'm not going to go through the front and then my friend calls me goes no no go around back i'm like oh okay so go around back and he meets me at the gate but right when he opens the gate the dog just lunges at me and bites me right in the nipple whoa and it hurt and it was sore and there was like a little you know bruising over there but did you have a thick jacket on yeah i had like a like a sweatshirt on or something like that. God damn. But it hurt.

I mean, it didn't puncture skin really, but it was all bruised the next day. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with this dog? Yeah, I mean, and then after a second, I was like, hey. That's a fucked up dog because the owner was there. Right. And the owner and you were communicating. Right. And that dog didn't realize that you're a friend.

That's an idiot. Yeah. That dog's retarded. Yeah, but then like a few seconds after I was in there, the dog realized, oh, it's friends, and then was just nice. Get him to lick your tit? No. Lick it, bitch.

You heard it. Lick it. It fucking hurt, though. That ain't cool, man. That ain't cool. And it came out of nowhere. What if that was your face, man? Right.

I always think, oh, a dog lunges at you, you're going to be like, oh, block it or something. No, I was just like, what the fuck? Oh, ow. Well, that's the opposite. That's the other just like, what the fuck? Oh, ow. That's the other side of pets, man. They are animals. Even your cat. If your cat wanted to attack you, man, you would be fucked.

I had a feral cat for a while. And when they're mad and they get crazy and they get nutty, they're terrifying. And they're little tiny things. I'm going to tell you guys something. I'll tell all your viewers at home. In three or four years as a burglar, I burglarized houses with

pitbulls Dolman pincher and one German Shepherd the German Shepherd ripped my hand open Brian look at the scar Look at the scar with a barbed wire right through the fucking thing and it ripped it up The worst animal ever and any drug burglary any burglar ever had was a Siamese cat real friend's house I didn't I didn't go into the house I was outside with a gun because Adam wouldn't let him come down. He wanted to come down. All I could hear was this cat going,

whew, whew, and he was attacking the shit out of him, attacking him. He'd come to the back of me and throw the jewelry off and the cat was on his head pulling this like, to this day,

that guy still has like a claw in his head that had just grown over, the skin grew over from burglarizing that Colombian drug dealer. She was a Colombian chick, and she would always go in the room and weigh the coke. We didn't know why. Why?

I didn't know. I didn't know. I kept saying, why did you go in the room? Bring it out here. She would always go in the room, and that's the reason why. She had a cat that she couldn't let out. Whoa. The door was always locked.

And I'd never seen the cat, but when we tried to break into a house, my buddy seen the fucking cat. So it was a tax-Siamese cat? A tax-Siamese, skinny, one of those skinny, ugly motherfuckers. He was on his head. At one point, he was looking over the balcony. He's like, I'm coming down, the cat. Will I throw the coke down?

He's throwing the coke down, the jewelry, watch by watch. The cat was on his head, pulling upward. And I'll never forget that he had the cat by its neck trying to pull it off his fucking head and the cat had all four claws into his head it was classic i remember going to the pawn shop to sell the jewelry and he had blood all over his face dude it's hard to kill a cat it's hard it was fucking hard this was the worst animal attack i've ever seen and you think about how strong cats are and they're so small you how strong cats are, and they're so small. You know, it's so scary, and they're so small.

Imagine, like, a big cat. Imagine getting jacked by a mountain lion. What the fuck, man? You can't get one of those. You would shit your pants if a fucking mountain lion came. They're so strong, too. That's what everybody always says about them, too, if they get attacked. They're fucking monsters.

Their power, their everything is just too much what a bunch of crazy assholes keep them as pets you know there's it's not that hard to get licenses for shit like that like in nevada mike tyson had a bunch of shit he had like a i think he had a lion i think he had a bunch of shit like that there was some dude who got arrested in uh you know oh he didn't get arrested he died excuse me He was in, I think he was in Harlem. And he had a tiger and a crocodile and like a bunch of shit in his apartment. Dude had an apartment with a tiger in it. He had a tiger in a cage in his fucking apartment.

Did you hear about that? A fucking tiger. Did you hear about that? A fucking tiger. Did you hear about that bus recently? And it killed him. In LA, there was that bus with all the cats. There was like 240 fucking cats. 240 cats. And this woman had one of those-

In one house? Storage. Storage. Storage, where you rent storage. And it was filled with cats? Filled with 240 some, 50 cats. Half of them were dead. And she had some kind of sickness where she had like some kind of like sickness where

she had to take care of all these cats oh my god it was crazy i was in california like two weeks ago somewhere yeah right down the corner here yeah fucking pomona one of those places 240 fucking cats that's fucked up is it is it ever going to be possible to fix people of that is it ever going to be possible to fix people of that? Are we ever going to have a society where there's no people who have 250 fucking cats dying and shit all over themselves in a storage container? No. Is it possible? Watch Hoarders. Just watch fucking Hoarders.

Right. But what's the difference between them and you? The best episode of Hoarders is when they pull something up and go, oh, what's this? And they pull up like a dead cat and the lady goes, that's what happened to Kitty. Like, wait a second. Your cat disappeared in your fucking house four years ago. You didn't smell it. You didn't see it.

It's just, I mean, you gotta watch. I don't watch it every day, but if I'm switching channels and Hoarders is on, I fucking watch it. Human beings have a horrendous smell when they're dying. Oh, please. When I was a kid, we lived in an apartment building and this lady died. She just died in her house, an old lady.

And she was a fucking mean cunt too, by the way, this old lady. And nobody was happy, happier than me. When she died, she was creepy, creepy old lady. Anyway, she died and we were walking by her house, her apartment, and it just stunk. The smell is so specific. It's so bad.

And it goes in your nose, and it stays there. It goes in your throat. It makes you want to gag. It's horrible. It's worse than any other animal smelled dead. I've smelled a bunch of dead animals. There's nothing like a human. Humans, we got a very particular reeking.

Oh, God, from a block away. Funk ass. You can smell it from a block away. I've never smelled a dead human. Humans, we got a very particular reiki. Oh, God, from a block away. You can smell it from a block away. I never smelled a dead human. Listen, dog, when I was a kid, I was about 8 or 9. I was about 8 or 9. I used to live in 205 West 88th Street during the week with the Jews, nice white people. Right in Amsterdam where your boy lives. But then in the summers, I would go to

148th Street to my godmother's house. And it was two dimensions. The kids on 88th Street were nice kids. They played wiffle ball. Organized. You went up to 148th Street. The first of's house. And it was two dimensions. The kids on 88th Street were nice kids. They played wiffle ball. Organized. You went up to 148th Street. The first those motherfuckers said to you is, you want to see a dead body? And we go on the George Washington Bridge. We take our bikes to go see a body that we weren't going to report.

Holy shit. You know, we didn't report nothing in those days. That body was there for fucking weeks. Oh my God. And I remember being eight or nine. Come on, let's go. We ride our bike. Come on, a body. Here we go. Fucking kids. And all of a sudden, there you go. And they remember being eight or nine. Come on, let's go. We ride our bike. Come on. I'm bonding. Here we go, fucking kids. And all of a sudden, there you go. And they put boards on top of them.

From a block away, you can hear the flies. The flies. You can hear it. Oh my god. It makes the flies go fucking nuts. And then in 94, I had a buddy, God bless his soul, who worked at a dump in Lynnhurst, New Jersey. And he made like 50 grand a year, but he made another 100 grand a year. Every month, somebody put

envelopes in this fucking thing. Because they don't really break up the recyclables. They just dump them all into one. That's what the mob was doing. He was working at a dumpster as part of a city job. And I borrowed his car once to do comedy. He goes, dog, you want to see a foot? Like a dead

body? And it was under rubble, like garbage, just going into fucking that Elizabeth, all that shit in Jersey with the garbages. So as you come off that exit, it smells like ass. You just get used to it. He was used to it. He, you know, I just walk up to him. He go, come on, you want to see fucking a dead body?

You go out for miles. There'd be rats running right in front of you. And he'd be talking to you like it was nothing i see a rat i shit my pants there's spots where you drive through new jersey where it smells so bad how the fuck can this be legal what are they doing what the fuck are you doing that everything smells like shit there's one thing with cows that happens with cows have you ever been by a cow farm yeah yeah when dairy farms and and you know where there's a lot of cows man my family used to live in pennsylvania they lived in uh wilkes-barre like out in like kind of the boonies and uh let the row

who else had there's a one dude who had a whole bunch of them scarpatti scarpatti andy scarpatti um so uh you would draw i would drive to go visit them. I had to pass through this whole area where there was cows. And fucking A, it smelled bad for like a half an hour. Driving for a full half an hour, it just smelled like shit. I grew up in that shit. You start getting used to it. But isn't that, okay, I get that you would get used to it.

But aren't you taking something into your body when you're smelling that? I mean, it's not as simple as you're just smelling it, right? You're smelling that there's particles in the air, and you're breathing that in as well. If it's that insanely offensive to your nostrils, isn't that some sort of a warning that your body's not supposed to have that inside of it? Or it's some kind of nature's way of trying to get you to produce smelling ass, and so now you want to fuck cows or something? You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean. Like the smell of the ass. You know how animals... Nature's way of trying to get you to produce, smelling ass, and so now you want to fuck cows or something. You know what I mean?

Like, the smell of the ass. You know how animals... So you're just way trying to trick you? You know how, like, animals, when they're trying to breed, they smell each other's ass and stuff like that? Like, dogs smell each other's ass, and, like, animals smell each other's butts. Right.

So maybe there's some kind of weird, hidden... Never mind. You were talking from the senses, like... Fuck! Dude, I tried to listen to you on that. I tried to go with you on that. You're talking from the sense of Fuck. Dude, I tried to listen to you on that. I tried to go with you on that. You're talking from the sense of that movie where they show that every hamburger patty. I'm saying it's just particles, man.

You're smelling that shit. Yeah, it has to affect you. It's going in your body, man. It has to. It's not just... I mean, it's a fine shit mist in the air is what it is. I grew up by the metal ends. That's what people say to me.

You should smoke from a humidifier. Bitch, I'm from the metal ends. The fuck humidifier? Well, it's better for your lungs, bitch. I me. You should smoke from a humidifier. Bitch, I'm from the Meadowlands. The fuck's a humidifier? Well, it's better for your lungs, bitch. I swam in the Hudson. A humidifier? I swam in the Hudson. Did you really swim in the Hudson? Yeah, I swam in the Hudson when I was a kid. You go over there once or twice and you jump in and you see a seal. Then you

fucking come up with an eel on top of you, you know, and a foot. How bad is a Hudson? Oh, it's hard. And this is 20 years ago when there was a place towards under the bridge. Nobody goes fishing in that, right? No, no. Isn't that hilarious that that's just accepted? It's accepted that there's going to be a certain amount of pollution

and that we're just, listen, fuck this river. We're just going to dump our shit in this river. There's 7 fucking billion people living on this one tiny island. Fuck the river. You can't fish in the river. It's accepted that that's polluted. I wouldn't fucking go in there, but I'll tell you what's crazy. In those days, Puerto Ricans are coming from the Bronx on the river. You can't fish in the river. It's accepted that that's polluted. I wouldn't fucking go in there, but I'll tell you what's crazy. In those days, Puerto Ricans

are coming from the Bronx on the weekends. There must be someone who fishes in it. No, there definitely people, listen. Do they really? People will fish, but the Puerto Ricans would come down with a Volkswagen and take 90 people out of there in a conga drum and a couch. Have you ever drove by a paper mill before? Yes. That shit's disgusting.

That is the worst smell. Wow, there's a whole association before? Yes. That shit's disgusting. That is the worst smell. Wow, there's a whole association, the Hudson River Fishermen's Association. Sounds hot. Is that Hudson River Strike Bass, New York Harbor? Where's that? I wouldn't fucking swim, drink that water, nothing. Even that plane that landed, fucking, it's all rusty now. That plane that Sully landed in, that motherfucker,

they tried to take it out and a wheel fell out. That shit will eat right through your skin. These guys are fishing in New York Harbor. Is that right there? They fish down by the village down there? They do. By Wall Street there'd be fucking six fucks that would fish out there. Wow.

A Statue of Liberty. Wow. Very strange. I wouldn't eat any of that. I did see my friend Mike Askeliz one time get an eel out of the Hudson, slits it open, and eat his fucking heart. What? Something crazy. And those eels look like little snakes.

But he ate an eel fucking one time, an eel's head. Oh, yeah, they got some serious fucking problems here. Oh, please. The PCP's chemicals discovered. Yeah, they're talking about fucking problems here. Oh please. The PCPs, chemicals discovered. Yeah, they're talking about all the different this is like way back. Listen bro, let me explain something to you. You got the bridge.

You got the bridge. You got the bridge. You got New York City, Harlem, and you got New Jersey, northern New Jersey. You got that bridge. Every day a cop pulls a kid over and the kid throws the drugs out the window. If that's happened every day for 30 years a kid over and the kid throws the drugs out the window. If that's happened every day for 30 years, that water's fucked. That water's disgusting.

That was last year when George Washington was there and he shot cannonballs at the Indians across the fucking thing. Doesn't the sewers empty out into that too? Do the sewers empty out into the oceans? No. What happens there? I don't know. When I was a kid, there was the Charles River. It's in Boston. There was a kid, there was the Charles River. It's in Boston.

There was a branch of it was by my house. And we used to go there and hang out. And we were walking across this little area. And I saw something bubbling up in the water. And I looked at it. I was like, what the fuck is that? It's like a broken something, like a pipe, because there's like a flow of water that's coming up. And I see all these things floating in it.

And then I saw a condom. And then I realized what it is. I saw lumps of shit. I'm like, and I see all these things floating in it, and then I saw a condom. And then I realized what it is. I saw lumps of shit. I'm like, oh my God, like this is shit water that's just pouring directly into the river. It's coming out in a big flow. Like, I don't know if it was a broken pipe, or it's just how they dump it off. That's what they do. I don't trust water

no more, first of all. Oh, it's disgusting. I don't even trust that shit in the bottle. I trust the bottle We're all Listen bro We're all fucked The bullshit What's that What's your buddy's

Penn and Teller Did the best show ever About water Yeah about water Where it comes from San Antonio From some fucking Geyser

And the people say It comes from Alaska But the best Was when they went To Beverly Hills To a water bar And they were in there And they were taking

Water from a hose And giving it to these Fucking momos In Beverly Hills Oh my god there's water there's water bars water bars and these idiots like oh my god this water i can feel the nuttiness it's from france bitch it comes from a hose from fucking la that's the nuttiness from france you know my wife is a big water filter 300 every month i tried to prove a point i got a glass of filter, $300 every month for the filter. I tried to prove a point. I got a glass of water.

I filled it. I left it in the cabinet for two days. It was fucking green two days later. Did I tell you what happened to me? I had a water cooler, one of those, you know, like hot, cold water coolers with the jugs. Had it for like three years, you know. Never thought anything of it, you know, just replaced it every time I emptied it or whatever. Noticed the other day it had like this green tint to it i'd like the sun was shining through the window at the right point and i was like what that looks a little green you know and i poured in a glass and looked

at him like no it looks fine then uh i did i went somewhere on the road with you came back and it looked a little bit greener and i'm like what that is green now i said take it out looking inside the tank everything looked clean and stuff. I was starting to freak out. It started tasting and smelling a little weird. Finally, I called the company up, and I'm like, you know, what's going on here? It seems like it's getting a little green, but I look inside,

and everything's fine. They're like, oh, you have to clean those out like every three months. You know that, right? And I'm like, whoa, I've had this for three years, never cleaned it out once. They're like, yeah, take it apart. So so i took it apart just green mold underneath the thing just has been i've been drinking swamp water for the last there you go 15 a month and so then they're like they're like no you must wash it out with bleach and all this crap so i fucking washed it out with bleach yeah they like put bleach in

there what is this product again what is like a water cooler you know how like you would get the jugs like arrowhead water and you put it on the thing? One of those things. You have to clean the insides of it? Yes. You're supposed to clean that. I never knew this. You're supposed to clean that thing out every three to six months is what they told me.

I've had mine for three years. With bleach? Yeah. They said a little tab of bleach and mix it with water, run it through a couple times. What the fuck? I started running it through a couple times and whatever happened like the bleach somehow started eating away at some of the metal so then i put another jug on i thought it was all cleaned out pour my glass of water i looked down this time there was like all these little black dots in there and i'm like what are all these

black dots i found out like the bleach had like disintegrated something or i don't know what the mold disintegrated something and now i was drinking like metal oh so i just threw the fucking thing out now i'm like fuck what do i do i don't know if i want toated Something and now I was drinking like metal So I just threw The fucking thing out And now I'm like Fuck what do I do I don't know if I want To go back that way Bottled water seems Like the way to go

You know Just drink it And throw it away It's really interesting For my sleep apnea machine It has a reservoir Where you put water Into it

It's a humidifier So it keeps your Throat moist at night And you won't snore And it's so weird I'm supposed to put Distilled water in there And I put distilled water in there all the time.

The machine's great. I clean it out once a week with bleach and the whole thing. But when I go on the road, I don't use distilled water. And it's very interesting. I can tell you who's got the dirtiest fucking waters after I come home from the road. Really? Like, Arizona is disgusting. Fucking that Tucson trip we took.

Where did we go for the UFC? Just last month, we went down there for something. Arizona State. Yeah, yeah. We did the Wednesday night. No, Austin. Austin. Austin.

The fucking filter was disgusting when I got back. So not Arizona. Austin. Austin, Texas. Gray as shit. Really? When I went to Arizona. That's why one time I went to Arizona this year.

When I came back it was a three night trip. The fucking machine was gray from the water so i could tell the local water and even if i buy bottled water it comes back clean but sometimes it's just the local water from the bathroom i could tell you just from that machine who's got the good water and the dirty water arizona's test recently um there was some some study that was published that showed 31 different cities have elevated levels of certain chemicals that they believe might be carcinogens that are in the water. 31 cities. Elevated levels. Some of them like 200 times the level that they think would be appropriate.

And they all have prescription drugs in them. Yeah. Yeah. All have prescription drugs in them. People flush their shit down the toilet. Right. So our dicks are going to get harder. We're all going to have less headaches. We're going to get harder. We're all going to have headaches.

We're going to get pregnant. Think about that, man. I mean, they're not levels, though. Are they levels that you can... I don't know, but what if... There's no psychoactive levels of drugs that have ever been found in the world, right? Hopefully not. I think it's like parts per million.

But what if it gets to the point that birth control starts getting into the water to where everyone who drinks water cannot get pregnant anymore? What if it gets to that point? To stop flushing their birth control pills. If you're such a whore, you have so much birth control pills that when you flush them, nobody can get pregnant. That's what a whore

you are, you fucking pig. How about you just lay off the dick? You're going to have to take a billion pills and keep stuffing cocks in your clam. Because they're saying is like the prescription drug gets in the water and it can't get out of the water they can't take it out of the water anymore can they no so so the the more the longer we live the more that chemical is going to be put into the water to the water to the water so i don't know about that i think they must it must break down over time yeah yeah or does it get worse? No, I would imagine.

I mean, if something, you know, it's going to be getting filtered somehow or another. I mean, the population of Earth has doubled since, what, the 1950s? So our water might be being fucked. It might be getting fucking, like, we don't even realize that our water, at one point,

we're not going to be able to drink it because if we drink it and you're allergic to penicillin, you're going to break out in hives and everything's made out of water. That's fucking scary. It's a scary thing. They recycle so much. You ever take a shower and you come out and you smell like somebody else.

That's fucking dirty water. That's recycled fucking water. When you're drinking, uh, when, when you're eating pasta, you know, when you,

you boil water, you know, that, that water is still that funky water from the fucking sink. Yeah. You know, so even if you try to drink bottled water all the time, you know, and you boil water, you know, that water is still that funky water from the fucking sink. Yeah, yeah. You know, so even if you try to drink bottled water all the time, are you really making spaghetti with bottled water, too? Do you?

I do. Really? Is that the move? Probably is the move, right? That's the move. Well, they say to boil water anyway, right? If you boil water, it comes back pretty clean, right? Yeah, pretty clean, but not everything.

You don't kill everything. You don't kill a lot of chemicals. Hmm. Fucking water. Fucking water, man. How does it work? They need to find a substitute for water, but anything that would be a substitute for water would be made from water.

Joey, do you know anything about the Juggalos? What's the Juggalos? Do you know anything about Insane Clown Posse? Nothing. Nothing? It's a crazy movement. Joe's going to learn you. It's a crazy movement. It's a crazy movement.

There's fucking millions of these guys following the insane clown posse all around the country, wearing makeup and shit, and they're all like this motley crew of unfortunate tattoos and just fucking strange dental structure.

They're a trip, man. It's a giant fucking movement now. Now where'd you bump into these people? I didn't bump into them I'm just like seeing it online.

It's one of those things that like kind of snuck up out of nowhere. So what do I have to do to become a juggalo? I gotta get a tattoo or pull my fucking tooth out or something like that?

You gotta be into the insane clown posse. Now that's a rap band. Yeah. That's the one that Dante had a fight with. People make fun of him honestly Dante had a fight with. People make fun of him. Honestly, Dante had a fight with him?

One of those guys. I don't know. Dante from Hollywood? Dante. Which Dante? Dante. Black Dante. How many Dante's do you know?

Really? We know two. The comic two. Fuck him. I'm talking about Black Dante. Black Dante. He got in a fight with the Insane Clown Posse. One of those guys.

I remember he was telling you, too. I don't remember this. Tell me his story. I don't know the story. I've heard two of his stories. Let me get a coconut water, dog. Now, they hang out in Hollywood, these people, correct? I don't know. I don't know the story. I've heard too many stories. We've got a coconut water dog. Now, they hang out in Hollywood, these people, correct? I don't know.

I don't know much about them. This happened five years ago with Dante. And Dante got in a fight with one of them? Dante's a big boy. Yeah, you've got to see him now. That's not a good move to get in a fight with Dante. He's getting ready for football. So he's been running.

I've seen him. Football? Isn't he 40? He plays semi-pro football. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. When did he start playing again? Five years ago. Really? Yeah. Football? Isn't he 40? He plays semi-pro football. Get the fuck out of here. When did he start playing again? Five years ago. Really? How old is he? I think he's

about 31. It's football. He's only 31? Yeah, his bullet wound is healed. That's one of the funniest things you could ever say. He's ready to play. His bullet wound is healed. He got shot in the leg on the driveway. How good is this C2O? This coconut water?

I love it. They sent me a whole case of it. I've been drinking that shit for two, three years. Stuff is awesome. This is the best one I've ever found. I like the Zico. Zico's good, too. I've been buying those in cartons now at the grocery stores. I carry them almost like in milk carton type things.

It's $3.99, but it's pretty good. But I still like C2O better. I just wish it was You know, I like this because I like it's a big can. 17 ounces. And what you gotta do is take it out of the can and put it over ice. Yeah? That's the patois. I like how it's the way it is. No, no, no, no. Put it over

the ice and you'll see what it is. No, no, no, no. It's like Coke One. That ice cubes has got fucking cyanide in them. Coke One is okay, but with ice cubes, you think you're fucking drinking Coke. So you drink bottled water ice cubes has got fucking cyanide in them. Coke One is okay, but with ice cubes, you think you're fucking drinking Coke. So you drink bottled water ice cubes too? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah, I like that too. My dad's been making daiquiris with it.

Yeah? With coconut water. Your dad gets fucked up. Dude, my dad has a happy hour every day. He sits in the backyard. They both retired. So he just gets hammered every day? Every day at 5, 6 o'clock, they'll sit up out and have a couple drinks.

Not hammered, but like two or three drinks. Yeah, it gets lit every day Wow, you have no idea. Huh? Does he take care of himself? Oh, yeah, he works out every day Cuz you this that's why I thought it was funny like your dad. Dude. Dad's a very smart guy, right? Yeah, very smart. He's some sort of inventor character. Yeah engineer inventor trying to break perpetual motion in his basement type kind of guy Kicks down a window if he wants to build a greenhouse and he'll be like i'm going to build a greenhouse it just smashes a window out and builds a greenhouse with a hot tub in it like you got your car breaks down he'll take the engine out throw it on the ground he's it's crazy how if if the internet was uh around when when he was

growing up he would be a mad programmer he'd be a huge computer nerd which is crazy because he would have lost all those skills you know like building cars and tearing down walls because he would have been addicted you could tell he would have been addicted to the internet wow do you ever try to get him into it now yeah but i mean he has the same computer i i got him like seven years ago do you ever ask him like how come he's not into it i think he is into it but i think he just i mean it's weird. People, having a laptop is completely different. If you had a computer in a computer room, you'll probably not use it as much as if you had a laptop on the couch, a laptop in bed.

I think the laptop is the crack for people once they get a laptop. Well, your dad probably doesn't know where to begin. He probably doesn't know where to begin. He probably doesn't know. I mean, but that's why it's so curious to me that your dad is so intelligent and so curious that why wouldn't he be like all over the net? Why wouldn't he be online every day, like reading new things? I think he does. Watching new documentaries. I think he does to a point.

He just doesn't take it to the advantage because he's... You can't get hooked on this shit, dog. There's other things to fucking life, too. No, I understand. Just because you're smart don't mean you got to sit on this fucking thing all day either, guy. No, no. What I'm saying is... You read something once in a while, you move on with your life. The guy's like... There's a whole life out there, dog. other things to fucking life too. Just because you're smart don't mean you gotta sit on this fucking thing all day either. You read something once in a while, you move on with your life. There's a whole life out there.

There's a whole fucking life out there. The guy's a super curious guy, that's all I'm saying. We all are. But when you're a guy like Brian, and his dad is a lot like Brian, you would say, man, you don't know what you're missing. A lot of people, they just never get into it. How old is your father? 60-something. That means he's Like you don't know what you're missing A lot of people they just never get How old was your father? 60 something

That means he's one foot in the grave on a banana peel By the time he starts learning about It's like me why I didn't take acid Why I didn't take ecstasy Because I was already hooked on coke I got enough problems with coke I'm gonna open up a fucking thing of ecstasy now Same thing with his dad he's smart enough

He don't need to fucking look at computers He wants to sit in the back and drink coconut water He just equated a man looking at computers As to why you don't need to fucking look at computers. He wants to sit in the back and drink coconut water and daiquiris. He just equated a man looking at computers as to why you don't do ecstasy. Yeah, he's 60-something fucking years old. You think he's got time? He don't want to be in a computer. He wants to get his dick sucked. You know what I'm saying? Before he dies. That's why he's drinking daiquiris and having a good time

on the balcony. You want him out there with a fucking thing like this fucking Momo playing on a thing, taking pictures of the cat. That guy's got one for the grave until he dies. I think I understand that. I think that reading things on the internet makes life more interesting. Oh, I read shit every day, but I'm not gonna live on there and fucking, you know, you gotta do all this shit.

You gotta do your dick stuff and shit. For sure, you have to live your life. Fuck that shit. Being on it all the time is not the move, but being on it not at all is not the move either. No, but you can't believe everything you fucking read on there anyway. Because the fuck? I'm gonna to sit there and watch these documentaries and everything. Get the fuck out of here. I'm living life.

I'm doing my own motherfucking documentary. I believe you. Like, what's his name? What's his name? The guy that Tina Turner's husband. Like Turner? We're making our own movies. We're writing our own books. Fuck these bitches. You know what I'm saying? You got to be there on the end of the day about the Simeon fucking... Who gives

a fuck? It's raining four days out there. The one-on-one's backed up the pieces Give a fuck about some fucking now, uh, joey When are you going to eventually move off of my space because i've noticed you still do your blogs on my space I'm never going off my space. Here's the deal if my space goes away, then it goes away Then i'll burn that they're gonna take away all your blogs I got them on WordPress, dog. Who do you think you're dealing with? Some fucking novice realist. What's with the questions?

You writing for the school fucking paper? Go on fucking Walmart.com and... Brian, why do you care if he's on MySpace? Because I tell you why I don't want to go on two different things. I'll tell you guys why. Because my Twitter people are a little fucking crazy and I like you motherfuckers. That's why I put the blog on Twitter

after I do it on MySpace. My Facebook people, I got family people on there, and I got people that have kids on there, and they look at a lot of shit, so I got to be careful what I say on there, which is perfect. That's why. MySpace, I'm proving a fucking point

that we got to stop being sheep, people. You got to stop jumping on the next big fucking thing. You know, by the time, by the end of the year, we'll have 10 fucking Gs on an iPhone, and you got all of them. You got to relax. You got to control yourself. And this is what I'm going to stick to for a while.

I'm just going to say, I didn't know you had it too copy. Because MySpace, in my opinion, one day is going to go away. Oh, please. It's horrible. It's garbage. And I didn't want you to lose all your thoughts. Are you sure it's going to go away? Dude, it's pretty bad.

Really? They're trying to throw people back in. Oh, it's awful. They're just to throw people back in It's awful They're just drowning in loss right now Really? Isn't that incredible They used to be so huge Just a short period of time ago

That is the most fickle thing I think I've ever seen We're on something for six months and we move on That's not good anymore Facebook's starting to go down a bad path though I don't know if you noticed that. I've been getting, like, spam from fucking comics. Bob Levy or whatever his name is. It's called Levyland.

I think I've blocked the guy. I've unfriended the guy. But somehow I'm still getting fucking two messages a day about Levyland USA. And I'm like, all right, this is impossible. No, that's because Bob Levy's my friend. I go into your settings and I fuck with you. Yeah, you probably do. Add Levy. I add him every time. But that's because Bob Levy's my friend. I go into your settings and I fuck with you. Yeah, you probably do. Add Levy.

I add him every time. But that's a perfect example. Because Bob, no, he got rid of Bob. We'll put him back in here. That was the beginning stages of MySpace. If every fucking week we come out with a new fad, a new fucking thing, we got to put the foot down. Joey, I'm just proud of you that you're online. I remember when you weren't even online.

I remember when you wouldn't make text messages. I still don't do text messages. I cut them out again. You didn't want to have a phone. I cut them out again. The page is fine wouldn't make text messages. I still don't do text messages. You didn't want to have a phone. The page is fine. The page is fine. I don't need no fucking phone. You don't need no fucking phone. I want people calling me and telling me shit.

So you stopped text messaging? Yeah, I cut it out. What happened? Because people, too much stupidity. Text message me if there's a dollar bill number at the end of it. Yeah. Don't text message me some stupid shit. I'm waiting for you under the light. Just call me. Don't text message me some stupid shit. I'm waiting for you to like.

Just call me. Don't text message me some shit that makes me think you just need a hug. Yeah, I don't need that shit in my life. You know, somebody sends you a message. It's like on Facebook. I love Facebook. I love Twitter. But somebody sends you a message.

They want to have a conversation. I don't want to have a conversation on Facebook. Tell me what you got to tell me. I'll tell you and move on with your life. Then they write you back. Thank you for. What the fuck? Let it go. Move on to the next fucking Momo. You know what I'm saying? How long do you want to sit here? I'll tell you and move on with your life. Then they write you back. Thank you for... What the fuck? Let it go. Move on to the next fucking Momo.

How long do you want to sit here? I can't do that. I can't do that at all. You don't type that well either, right? I type well, but I type. I'm better than I was before. I took two years of typing in high school, but that was 20 years ago and 30 million fucking joints.

I did it from Mavis Baking. He's just typing. I used a computer program. That's how I learned it. It's fun. They make it like a game. That's how I learned it. I'm not that good, though. I'm decent.

No, you're really good. I've seen you. You're very good. I'm having a good time with the computer. I write a lot on the computer. But no more text messaging. No. Too much.

They abused it, right? Those fucks. No, listen. I just don't like people that they use in this business. That's what I didn't like. I didn't like, you know. If you want me to do your fucking show, call me! Are you available Tuesday

the 8th? Tuesday the 8th. Call me. This is business. I don't want no mix-ups. You know what I'm saying? I don't want no misunderstanding. Just call me. You said something a couple of weeks ago that I didn't understand. You told me, you go, you don't understand, Joey, when you get busier, the computer. Bitch, when you were doing news radio, there was no computer.

Sussman was calling you direct. Direct. Call me, bitch. Don't text me. You can definitely get more things done. I know. Call me. I'm sick of calling me.

If I could take that as an option out, I will probably do it soon. There's certain things, though, that you have to get done in a conversation. But for the majority... It's like certain conversations, I get in conversations on a message board and I go, fuck, what kind of can of worms did I open up here?

Because this is going to take a long time to really truly explain. It's a very, very involved subject. And that's two hours. And I can't, I don't have the time, man. Not truly explain it's gonna it's a very very involved subject and that's too long i can't i don't have the time man i not only it's not even a time thing i don't have the effort i'm too i'm too focused in too many different areas like i try to like on message boards especially i try to put in as much time as i can and and talk about stuff and you know and go back and forth with things but fuck man i got so much other shit to do it's like it's really like it's it's it's it's counterproductive to me to like get into any like really deep discussion those things become a huge pain in the ass but also when i'm doing something i'm in a mindset

you know when the phone rings and they're you know i'm just like i fuck this i can't answer this because it's going to ruin my thought process that's why i like texting because when i'm done with something i'll just go go like, okay, yes, no blue purple vagina. Right. Well, that's when you want like trivial subjects on a message board. You want to go, you know, they just cured AIDS with stem cells. And you want to look at that and just type, holy shit, we can fuck with condoms? No condoms now?

You know what I'm saying? You don't get into some gigantic debate about something, you know, just something fascinating and interesting. gigantic debate about something. Just something fascinating and interesting. But the ones when you get drawn into them, man, they can go on for days and days because it's such an ineffective way to communicate. You write something out and then I write a response

and I wait for you. It's like, fucking God damn, that's time consuming. I like Twitter because it's 140 fucking words. I'm getting out of there. And I'll tell you what, if I see six, seven in a row that someone sends me and they're just, oh, you're crazy,

click, blocked. You can't just take up my whole thing just trying to communicate with me about every fucking thing you can think of. I hate it. Yeah, it becomes annoying.

But the beautiful thing is that you can stop that. You can stop people from just clogging it up and being attention whores. I just ban people. If they start just acting a fool, then I just ban them.

But there's plenty of cool people on it, too. Plenty of cool people. People are always sending me cool Twitter links. Me, too. And they're always sending me interesting stories and interesting videos. Videos. I get great music videos. Interesting music.

I love all that shit. Cool music suggestions. Oh, I got a great link last night. Somebody sent me. I hadn't seen it in 15 fucking years. What was it? The Bruce Lee, the Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris fight from the Coliseum. It seems trivial to you, but if you haven't seen it in 15, 20 years, you're like, wow, that's fucking great. That's a great one.

That's a fucking classic, man. He starts boxing them, and the cats are running around. And if you know anything about the Roman Coliseum, they got a million cats walking around there. Sorry. Did they film that at the Colosseum? I don't know because the first scene is a set. And they turn the camera around and it looks like the Colosseum.

They're there. Well, they did some footage there, but it's so weird. Like, if you know anything about the Colosseum, they have, like I said, they have 20 million fucking cats walking around there. It's just infested with generations and generations of cats. I've never been there, man.

I want to go, though. To Rome? Yeah. You want to go to Rome?. I've never been there, man. I want to go, though. To Rome? Yeah. You want to go to Rome? Yeah, I want to go to Rome, and I want to go to Athens. I want to see the Parthenon, the Acropolis. I want to see all that crazy shit. That was an amazing time, man.

It's amazing that they were so advanced as far as the incredible buildings that we're creating, but then nobody even bothered fixing them. Nobody even bothered fixing them. Nobody even bothered keeping them up. Like society had crumbled so far that they became rubble. You know, some of the most incredible structures, like the people that built them, you know, you got to go, what happens when the people that made this incredible quality of building, what happens when they just die off? What happens when no one can do that shit anymore? What happens when, you know, you go through a few generations and no one knows how to fix the

ceiling anymore because no one's like a carpenter to the level that these people were back then? Then they just start rotting out, you know, and then it becomes nothing. It's pretty fucking nuts when you think of like, look at the houses that are around. If you look at the surrounding area of Rome or of Athens, they're all normal, modern houses now, you know? But yet, here's these insane stone structures that have stood the test of time, and, you know, are here from 1,000 years ago, and this amazing architecture

and incredible, you know, precise craftsmanship. All just 1,000 years ago, you know? It's pretty amazing stuff. Genius. And it all fell apart. All fell apart. You know what's crazy, bro? Going back to that thing about cannibalism.

No, no, because I was thinking last night or the night before there was a show on APL about the history of cats or something. And they were talking about Egypt and all that with the tombstones and what was going on. People were dying. Right. And what they were doing is, let's say somebody died and it it was their favorite cat they want the cat to go on the journey with well shit dogs they would take them in they get them uh mummified yeah but before they mummified

they'd break their neck to make sure that they would never leave do you follow i'm saying to you so once you went to the life the soul would go to that life with you uh-huh but if you broke the cat all the cats necks that were mummified, all the cat's that were mummified, their necks were broken. How do you know that's just not how they did it? Well, I guess that's what they were talking about on the show last night. Well, that's what they were doing. If somebody had a favorite cat and they died and the cat lived,

they would kill the cat so you could take the journey with them. Wow. And they would wrap them up and shit like that. Egyptians were really into cats. Yeah, really into cats. Too much. But it makes, it lips your eyebrows

about what the fuck were they really thinking about. They were such a smart civilization and so kinky and shit. But they knew something. Like if your cat died in those times and you had,

before you buried your cat, you had to take him to some guy in the neighborhood. If that guy thought you abused a cat, they'd kill you. What a fucking. They had the records of all some guy in the neighborhood. If that guy thought you abused a cat, they'd kill you. What a fucking... They had the records of all the cats in the neighborhood.

It's so crazy that they worshipped cats. You know, Tutut Common, King Tut, and his father, Akhenaten, they were both, like, deformed. They both had, like, extra long heads. They both had, like, these weird They both had like these weird physical, like

some sort of a deformation of their head. They had like extra long heads. When they found his dad, and all the depictions of him look like that too. I think his name's Akhenaten and Tutankhamen. If you look at all the images of them, they all have like these weird kind of long heads. It's really a trip, man man i wonder if like there's a few instances of people you know back in those days i mean if you look at like what egypt was able to accomplish i wonder if there were like some super fucking rain man motherfuckers just a few super rain man motherfuckers that just defied all the current, you know, current IQ levels, intelligence levels, just a few fucking freaks, a few weird freaks. You know, like every now and then there's a dude who's born with Lexington Steel's dick,

you know? Dude's got like a 14-inch dick. That's not normal, but it's like so far above normal. It's like, what happens there? Can a brain be born like that? Can you get a 14-inch dick brain? You know, because if you can, could you imagine? Yeah, but was he just really good at, like,

wow, I could build shoes better than this person, you know? He was just smarter for that time period. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know what Akhenaten accomplished or what Tutankhamen. He died when he was really young. What were those people that died when they were young?

They didn't live too long. Some of them did. How old? 35, 40? I think it was Tut Moses. One of them lived so long that by the time he died, everyone that was alive had been born during his title reign. And they were concerned that

when he died that the world would end they had not they had not known life without this guy i forget which one that was i'm not really big up on uh my pharaohs it's too much to think about man i've watched these uh egyptian documentaries like uh magical egypt's fascinating fascinating but it's like six fucking hours at at least six hours of DVDs. And it's like you're trying to pay attention and keep track, and you're like, whoa. If you really wanted to lose your mind, get into Egypt. Get into studying ancient Egypt, because it's so complicated

and so surreal that you're like, look at these people. They drew these. Their language consisted of nutty stick figures, and they were all about stars and transcending this life, and yet they made the most insane structures ever known to man. They were like a super psychedelic culture. Where's Pompeii at?

I don't know. India? Right? That's Bombay. Bombay? Pompeii? Pompeii. Pompanozen. Pompe Pompey Let's find out

Why? Why'd you ask? No because I seen that Pink Floyd did a concert there They put it on DVD Like in 1975 Pompey's in Italy

Pompey It's in Italy P-O-M P-O-M-P-E-I P-E-I yeah It's in It's a province of Naples Pink Floyd live at Pompey

Fucking tremendous They sent the equipment out there They had the dark side of the moon. I wonder what it's like going back to the old country and hanging out with those Italians. I bet they're fucking freaks. Oh, you can eat breadsticks at the Olive Garden School. I was in Sicily one time. I bet they're freaks.

But I heard the best foods in Spain. Really? I heard that's where the food's off the chain, yeah. Really? Yeah, I heard from professional eaters. Places like that, right? Like the passion places like Spain and France and Italy

and like these, they're considered like real passionate, you know, like passionate European countries. For us, we just go over there and have a good time. But German is not considered passionate. Oh my god, we went to Italy and it was just... I love it when you do that. But it's interesting, like German is not considered passionate.

They're considered cold and calculated. And their food kind of sucks. I mean, yeah, they're into wiener schnitzels and shit like that. And there's a lot of sausages. It's OK. But it doesn't compare to like Italian food. Like Italian cuisine, like the depth of Italian cuisine. Like German food is like, you know, it's OK.

It's amazing that Italian food is the number one ethnic food in the United States. It's fucking delicious. More people go out for Italian food every night than any other. It's all comfort food. I mean, think of what Italian food is the number one ethnic food in the United States. It's fucking delicious. Italian food every night than any other. It's all comfort food. I mean, think of what Italian food is. It's all pastas, lasagnas, and meat sauce, and it's all just comfort. Fucking delicious. Yeah, it's the best.

Spaghetti and meatballs. This is something about the whole culture that that comes out of. It says a lot about how the people are living. It's healthy, but what the fuck? It's not made for health. It's made for taste. Tomorrow night's one of the nights I would love to be home, because tomorrow night, those fucking guineas, they do it right. My friends in

Jersey, they do it right, dog. They do the night of the seven mars, the seven fish. Seven fucking fish you gotta eat. Seven. And it starts with those skinny little little, uh, what's the smelts? Then they go to the clams. Then they go to the mussels. Then they go to the

fucking shrimp. Then they go to the clam. They put the crab. You know what I miss? I miss sausage and peppers. Sausage and peppers sub-fried. This morning for breakfast. I get it down here at Cavaretta's, but it's with tomato sauce. You like it with tomato sauce? That's how they do it out here.

It's good. It's great. It's delicious. I'm happy just to have it. I had it this morning. I had it this morning. The fried kind, too. Those are good, too.

I went right from yoga. Me and my wife went right from yoga. You had sausage and peppers? I went to the beginning of yoga at 8.30. How many points is that? A million? What is that? Sausage and peppers.

I think I gave it like 14. I had the small. Yeah, if that. I had the small. Sausage, not a lot of points? Six. Not one sausage. Not one sausage. It Yeah, if that. I had the small. Sausage, not a lot of points? Six. Not one sausage. Not one sausage.

It's not that bad. It's why you eat 92. But Weight Watchers changed the point system. Yeah, they changed it a lot. And fat people are fucking at arms. Me, I just stuck to the old points because that's all. Dude, I like the new points. I can't understand them.

I don't fucking understand them. Well, pretty much the new point systems. Now you can eat as much vegetables and fruit as you want. Right, which I did. I much vegetables and fruit as you want. Right, which I did. I never counted my points on fruit anyway, but they doubled up on the pasta and shit. Well, that makes sense.

Like, there was too many, like, you should not be allowed to eat, like, two-point Cheez-Its all day, you know? Like, you should not be able to do that. There was things like that. Like, it just hadn't been updated in so long with all these diet foods. If you long. You guys, you gotta explain, if you're talking about this, you gotta explain what the fuck this all means.

Weight Watchers is a point-based system. It's usually, it used to be based mostly on calories, diet, teri, fat, or fiber and fat grams. The more fiber, the least the points. Right, right. You add up all the points. So you can eat all the vegetables you want. But it used to charge you points.

I never counted my points for vegetables or fruit because I knew it was a scam. It's all water. Scam. And I was right. They just want to charge you. The new system is way more accurate based on recent findings. What are those little cheese that come with the thing like a triangle? Muga.

Dog, they're fucking one point point those cheeses With four crackers That's three points I'm full on one of those fucking things They're delicious You come home at night from doing a gig I don't have to eat a big meal no more I eat an apple and a piece of cheese

How many points do you get a day? It's based on your weight and height though My points aren't as high I made 50 of those little chunks of cheese What are they called? Mubus? But they got blue cheese and Swiss height though my points are in his height i made 50 those little chunks of cheese fuck up my whole day what are they called mooboos or something blue but they got blue cheese and swiss they're two for six dollars and fucking routes i get two a week i eat one a day in between meals delicious there's so many little things but every calorie is a for every for every 60 calories it's a point okay so

like when i go to the gym and work on the bike let's say I burn 600 calories on the bike, it's six points. So now you can eat all the fruit and vegetables you want. But I always did. Which is how it should be. In the past, it used to be like, fuck, I'm so hungry. I only have four points left. I'm just going to eat two of these

two-point snicker bars or something like that. It should have been like, oh no, I'm just going to eat a bunch of vegetables and fruit and not have to worry about that. I'm hungry. You should be allowed to do that. That's how it should have been anyways. Every week I go to the farmer's market.

Sundays I get strawberries, I get blueberries, I get raspberries. I get a cantaloupe. I get a pineapple. I chop it up and I put it in containers. And you eat. If you're more than 300 pounds, you've got to eat fruit seven times a day to lose weight. Seven times a day you've got to eat fruit to lose fucking weight. Really?

Now, the sugar from fruit, it's not bad for you? Not like the sugar that you put. Well, let me tell you something. Is it because it's attached to fiber? Is it because it's natural? I mean, sugar's not bad for you. Eating a shitload of sugar. The sugar's bad for you.

Drinking six cans of Coke is bad for you. Yeah, it's probably worse to have a Diet Coke than a regularload of sugar. Processed sugar is bad for you. Drinking six cans of Coke is bad for you. Yeah, it's probably worse to have a Diet Coke than a regular Coke, honestly. Fucking Brian has always scared the shit out of me because Brian is always fucking putting down those packages when I have coffee. Like, I'm always scared of him. Oh, Equal and all that shit?

Yeah, and so now I read... Oh, I read that. Brian, you scared him. I read last week that fucking sugar isn't really that bad for you. Like 10 days ago, they're saying it's the amount that you have in a day that's bad for you. It's not that bad. You know, if you have 16 cups of coffee with 16 tablespoons of sugar, it's going to fucking kill you, you know? You know what sucks is how popular rainbows are lately.

There was a double rainbow yesterday in Burbank, and it was at Staples, and all the cashiers and everyone ran outside to take photos of it, and I'm sitting here going, I just need to check out. I'm late. There was nobody in the store, and they're all going,

double rainbow, my God, no, oh, my God. I was eating, the people coming out. Hey, man, it's just like, you just can't appreciate nature, man. It's like, maybe you need to fucking relax, man. Well, before... Okay, all this bullshit that you see here, this is man-made, alright?

The real beauty is in nature. It doesn't matter, man, whether or not you fucking get checked out in time. Right here's the spoon right there, fella. Oh, no, I'm looking for the stevia. Joey Diaz just had it. Yeah, but it's like before that video...

Before that video, there was no freaking out on rainbows. It was like, oh, look, a rainbow. Now it's like before that video. Props to Dan Quinn. Before that video, there was no freaking out on rainbows. It was like, oh, look, a rainbow. Now it's like people running outside to take photos of it for their Twitter. People are goddamn sheep, Brian. It's like what we were talking about earlier about Liberia. People get used to things being a certain way, and then that's the way they are. The way they are now, when you see a rainbow, you freak out.

I know. If you live in Portland, Oregon, you've seen a rainbow every day of your life. Yeah, another one, whatever. It's fucking constantly raining. You see a rainbow every day of your life you're like yeah another one whatever it's fucking constantly raining you see a rainbow every day your fucking life you know what i'm saying i'm gonna run outside it was weird though with that rainbow yesterday i was the closest i ever thought i got to the actual end of a rainbow like i don't think it's possible no i don't think it's possible can you get to an end of a random i don't think it is it's like an optical illusion right of course but there But this was the first time where I actually was like, dude, it looks like it's right there, the end of it.

It was like a Trader Joe's. Yeah, I think it moves as you move. Yeah, like oil, like oil in a desert type thing. Oh, oasis. Oasis, I mean. Yeah, maybe. Perhaps. But it was so weird because it looked like literally

on the other side of this building is the end of the rainbow. I've never seen it that close before. It was fucked up. Hmm. Maybe. You ever chased a rainbow? Maybe everyone just doesn't know, Brian. Maybe there is some rainbows that are different than other rainbows.

And when you get to the end of them, you find gold. Then you have to fight a leprechaun. I heard somebody got a higher primate tattoo that they posted on the forum. Yeah, some dude on my Facebook page. He's got a higher primate tattoo that they posted on the forum. Yeah, some dude on my Facebook page, he's got a higher primate tattoo. By the way, those t-shirts, are they coming out with new designs, right? Or something's coming up? Yeah, we've got a bunch of new shit coming up. That was one of my favorite t-shirts.

Like, the one that I have, I love that t-shirt. It's like, fits perfect and everything. By the way, his tattoo's really not that terrible. It's just the eyeballs are a little off. But he can fix that easy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good shirt company. They is really not that terrible. Just the eyeballs are a little off, but he can fix that easy. It's a good shirt company. They're really cool, man. The guys who designed them, they're badass. We've got some new shit coming out.

We've got one coming out with Shiva. Going to work on that one. I'm branching out, son. I sold over a dozen of them shirts. I'm a goddamn entrepreneur. Entrepreneur. Some dude sent me this email. over a dozen of them shirts. I'm a goddamn entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs. Some dude sent me this email.

Hey, man, I want you to consider stop saying cocksucker. He goes, you stopped saying faggot. Now I'd like you to consider to stop saying cocksucker. And all I could think of is you. I'm like, how am I going to do my Joey Diaz impression?

If I can't say cocksucker, I'm going home. What the fuck, cocksucker Diaz impression? If I can't say cocksucker, I'm going home. What the fuck, cocksucker? Why would somebody? I don't understand. Look. There's nothing wrong with sucking a cock. And it's not even a bad thing.

You know? I mean, if you want to suck a cock, you should suck a cock. It's like if someone called you a pussy eater, it's really the same thing. Would I feel bad that you're calling me a pussy eater? Shut up. It's dumb. I don't even call a cocksucker like that. I call it more as an expression. Exactly. It doesn't the same thing. Would I feel bad that you're calling me a pussy eater? Shut up. It's dumb. I don't even call a cocksucker like that. I call it more as an expression.

Exactly. It doesn't even mean anything. It's an expression of love when I call you a cocksucker. If I don't call you a cocksucker, then you should really think about where we fucking stand. Joey Diaz will call me at any time of the night and go, what's going on, cocksucker? Or cock licker. Sometimes it's cock licker. Sometimes it's cock licker.

Because sometimes you just go, I'm licking a cock. You know what I'm saying? You got to switch. I don't take none of that shit. There's nothing liquor because sometimes you just go licking a cock. You know what I'm saying? You got to switch. I don't take none of that shit. There's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with it. And I know that sometimes it annoys people. But it's not even a derogatory statement.

But it's silly. Who the fuck I am? You're talking about an act. You're talking about sucking a cock. It's not even a bad act. I'm not talking about a person or nothing like that. We can't keep making. That's not the solution.

The solution is not say less things. The solution is be nicer. The solution is not stop saying cocksucker. That's silly. You're missing the whole fucking point. You should be able to say anything. The only reason why you don't say anything is because a bunch of people are a bunch of fucking sensitive cunts

and you can't just keep explaining yourself over and over and over and over and over again. We live in a very politically correct society. Half of us. The other half are wild fucks like me. And you know what? There's days I listen to a cat podcast, and the guy is as white, as Republican, as tight-ass as he could be, but I enjoy it.

You don't curse at all, and I enjoy him. Well, you don't have to swear to make me interested in what you're saying. If you don't like cocksucker, go hang out with fucking Gaffigan or something like that. I don't give a fuck who you go hang out with. Here's the deal. We all know there's a bunch of different words.

Yeah, they're just words. You can use whatever words you want. What I want to know is who are you as a human. And if you're judging someone by the words they're using and not judging them by who they are, come on, man. Really, you care if a guy swears, you care if a guy talks about certain subjects that might be a bit controversial. When you get people that are super sensitive

about shit like that, it's just like, come on, man, what's the point in even talking? I have never left a place even though I've had a bad experience with it and I don't think it's time. I don't think no place is worth going home and writing a letter. I went to a restaurant last week that was fucking horrible.

But you know whose fault it was? Mine. Because I didn't go to my fucking usual one. I think shit like Yelp. If you've had some bad situations and you can go to Yelp and you look and there's like one star. How many times did you go to a comedy store

and you walked in the back to get your check and they handed you a letter and you're like, what's this? And there's a letter a fan wrote that you insulted somebody. You said the word cunt or cocksucker. If you're going to go home and write a letter because I said something, honest to God, I don't think you have a fucking life. I have bad experiences a lot of times.

I went to Home Buffet in Burbank two weeks ago. Well, this is the day. Why would you go there? Again, I was starving. I was starving. Applebee's was packed. I went shopping in that mall there. Applebee's was packed. I went shopping in that mall there.

And I go, how bad is hometown buffet? I can get a salad. Worst thing, I can get a salad. You can't get a fucking salad somewhere. Brian, when I tell you the salad dressings, the salad was brown. Okay, but why shouldn't you be able to talk about this on a Yelp ad? Or wouldn't you make a little Yelp page? It was my fault for fucking going there. No, it's not. I'm an adult. I'm a fucking adult.

I know better. No. This is what I say to people. This is why when people come up to me, especially people who live in California, especially you two fucking momos, when you come up to me and tell me you went to see a movie and it sucked, I want to stab you. Because you see behind the curtain. You see behind the curtain. Sometimes you just want to go to the movies, man.

Didn't you just watch that movie the other day that was awful? Which one? It was the one we were just talking about at the beginning of the podcast You watched Riley What? The movie he said he was watching at the beginning of the podcast You watched a movie the other day and it was awful I don't remember this at all

Yeah, I did say that, but I didn't watch the whole movie Oh, The Island of Dr. Moreau with Denzel Washington. No, no, no, no, no. Book of Eli. Book of Eli. I turned it off in 15 minutes. But I didn't get my fucking car and drive to fucking Malibu. No, I would never take somebody else's opinion.

Listen, if you went to see that fucking movie with Angelina Jolie and that other fucking Momo who I love, Donnie Brasco, you're a fucking idiot. You left there and said, that wasn't what I thought it was. You should be shot, hung, and thrown under the jail and then fucked in the ass by a bunch of runaway fucking slaves. Because you're a fucking idiot. You're going to go see Donnie Brasco or the Gold Team. Where do they have slaves?

Huh? Where do they have slaves? Anywhere. There's slaves around. They're in Houston. They got those little Chinese women they bring and they suck your dick. And they got to pay money to get their uncle out of fucking immigration status or some shit. You ever seen that on fucking CSNBC? Oh, the drifters.

Yeah. The drifter girls. In Houston you have, what's that called? Human trafficking. Yeah. Human trafficking is very big in Houston. Very big in a couple other cities. And so you think they should get fucked by human traffickers if they what? If what movie they like?

Any movie that you go see and you won't. Like, I read a Twitter the other day. I went to see Tron. It was horrible. What would make you go see that fucking movie? I saw Tron. It was terrible. He liked it.

He liked it. You didn't think it was that bad? It was kind of interesting. Why would you go see that movie? For the 3D. What? 3D? The whole concept to me was fascinating.

If you got really baked, Joey, and you saw a 3D movie, it might be awesome. It would be like... It's not for me. It might be for you. You like Pink Floyd, The Wall. The only thing that was really whack... I didn't like Pink Floyd, The Wall, the movie. I like Pink Floyd, The Wall, the live thing.

You don't have to wear 3D glasses. Did you see Tron, Brian? No. I'm waiting for the madness to die down a little bit for it. Go see half of those shit movies. And people realize that... 3D's. Did you see Tron, Brian? No, I'm waiting for the madness to die down a little bit. I would go see half of those shit movies. And people realize that 3D's the shit. Why would I go see that? What the fuck is wrong?

It's fun, man. Listen, dude, it's just like watching a goddamn comic book to me. I like comic books. I liked them when I was a kid. And I like a comic book movie. And that's what Tron was. Tron was a comic book movie. You like comic books?

I'm telling you. You like comic books? Fuck yeah. I used to be into the Fantastic Four. I had a place, Bobby something. He used to collect things, and we used to go up there and buy comic books from them and then rob the good ones and take them to the city and sell them. Bobby the Caller.

I like things that aren't realistic. I think they're fun. I don't mind. The suspension of disbelief for a comic book movie doesn't bother me. Listen, I love to be taken away for two hours. But Tron don't take me away. The whole time I'm thinking, why the fuck did I come to this shit? I could have been at the weed store buying a bag of dope or something.

It kept me occupied. Half of these movies I go see, half of these, more than, listen, bro, that Hangover that you people think is fucking great, I watched it at home. I like that movie. And it was okay. Bernie Stevens is in that movie. I love that movie. It was no classic. I thought that movie was fun as hell

It was no It wasn't Bro please Because there's nothing To put up next to it That's why there's nothing Going on It was an okay movie

I don't know I enjoyed it It was an okay movie It was not It was not a ground breaking subject A bunch of guys get fucked up And what did we do last night I mean it's not

But I thought it was well executed We're in a shitty fucking society That's weak And that's why these movies go over now. They wouldn't go over 20 years ago when you had a higher quality of movies, bro. These movies wouldn't fucking go over. Like that new one, that Fokker 3 looks like diarrhea.

Oh! What is it? The third Fokker movie? That looks like warm diarrhea right there. One of my idols that got me into this whole thing was when I seen Deer Hunter. When I seen fucking Taxi Driver, when I seen De Niro put that gun to his head and do all that shit, I knew I was going to end up here.

But De Niro, you got to stop it. Yeah, and stop Saturday Night Live too. You suck at Saturday Night Live. You are fucking horrid anymore. And the choices you're making, you might as well do one Yanya and shoot yourself. What's that movie, Tales of Yanya? Just shoot yourself.

Tales of Yanya. He did the one with the show. It's a fake Narnia. It's a quilting trilogy. I don't want to. De Niro, I love you to death, but let it go. Yeah. Let it fucking go.

He's almost playing a character of himself now in his throats. What was that? What was that Narnia movie? Chronicles of Yarnia. Whatever the fuck that is. Chronicles of Yarnia. Yarnia. What we guys do when they fuck.

Three Amish men. Tell me what it is, Brian. Yeah, yeah. He says that shit. Chronicles of Narnia No but he wasn't in that No he was in the other one He was in a fake one The princess and the fucking

I would watch that if you fucking held a gun to my head Just cause I got better things to do With my fucking time Why would you watch that I'm done with him and I'm also done with You know what's weird? And this is off subject Completely off subject

But I want to know What that movie was Chronicles of Nya Nya Let me tell you something The first one Stardust Have you heard of that? That's it

That's it That's one of the new ones Is that it? Horrendously bad With Michelle Pfeiffer Oh my god Look at this That came up

That came out Friday at 11.30 And by the 4 o'clock movie got released. This looks like some shit that was made by some Saudi Arabian trillionaire, like royal family member. Listen, this is what we're going to have. We're going to have ancient time. Ancient time with Robert De Niro. Chronicles of Nya Nya.

No, no, no. Chronicles of Nya Nya made like $200 million. This is something different, man. This is stardust. Who was in it? Read the cast. No, no, no. Chronicles of Nya Nya made like $200 million. This is something different, man. This is Stardust. Who was in it? Read the cast. De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh, I don't know.

Let's see. And they tried to get Pacino for a Scarface reunion for Nya Nya, for that whatever. It just shows those two on this. Yeah, there's somebody else in that movie too. Looking deep into it. Oh, it's so gross. Stardust.

That green hornet looks fucking bad too. Oh, that looks awful. That Carl's Jr. commercial. Bruce Lee is in his grave making a comeback after he's seen that fucking piece of shit. That's a piece of shit. The kid didn't even know what the fuck it's about,

so let's just... Why the fuck are we doing this to him? What do you mean the kid didn't know? That fucking idiot wants the Green fucking Hornet. Seth Rogen? They got some fucking Filipino to pay Bruce Lee. I got nothing against Filipinos. They're my people. You know what I'm saying?

But the guy was fucking Chinese. You know what I'm saying? Have you guys seen that musical that Trey and Matt are doing in New York City? It opens, like, next month. It's a musical about Mormons. It's called, like, Dude. One of my favorite things about trey and matt the guys that do south park is that they're musicals like they you know south park was a musical and he's

had a cannibal musical and stuff this is a whole play based on mormons and it's a musical fucking sound yo stardust got 7.9 stars yeah out of 10 yeah right, right. Good. I'm going to buy it. I have to buy it. I have to buy it. You're going to be calling me a duckie. I have to buy it. Ian McClellan's in it. Yeah, that's great. Damn, they came with the long cash. They got Ian.

Robert De Niro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Charlie Cox, Kate McGowan. They got some respectable people in this. I wonder who they got first that they connected everybody else to. Probably De Niro. We have Robert De Niro. This is a good movie. What about the Spider-Man play in New York? That's a fucking nightmare. Oh, did you hear about the...

What's his name that did that Twitter and he got in trouble for saying it? Fuck, what's his name? He said something... Did you hear about the Spider-Man guy? No. There's a play on... New York. A Spider-Man play. Yeah, aren't people getting fucked up through this play? Yeah, this stuntman fell.

Four times. And they got Bono and the other fucking Momo to storm, you know. Oh, yes. We're going to... Julie Tamar, we're going to pull this off. First of all, it's a million a week to keep the doors open. Yeah. So what economy...

A million a week. Take a think around 60 minutes, three weeks ago. Publicizing it a million dollars for production a week for a play in New York City what is this this is Spider-Man the play what the fuck are they doing just because Bono oh god you mean Bono and the storm rewrote it

wait a minute Bono like the guy from U2 he wrote we're not doing this play we live in a Coen Brothers movie. We fucking do, man. Listen to what you just said. There's a fucking play, and it involves Spider-Man, and it's on Broadway, and it cost a million dollars.

A week to keep it in production. Bono and the Storm wrote the music for it, and they've had four shutdowns already. People fall down because she wants to do like a thing. It's a play. So do they do flips and shit? Flip, strings, people flying across, lights. But it's going to cost a deuce on a Tuesday night to go see this.

In this economy, a million-dollar production. Now, after five people fall in and all the setbacks, they're still like, it's going to go on. It's not going to happen. The co-creator of Lost, Damon Lindoff, or whatever his name is, said, with great power comes great response. Wham, crash. He said that.

And I guess the stuntman that did that is in serious condition, made him walk again or something like that. So he got a shitload of heat. And so he retweeted, last night, I had no idea the stuntman was so seriously injured, bad taste, honest regards, and hopefully a speedy recovery. But he got fucked. People were pissed at him for that tweet. It's funny how

tweets nowadays, you can just say a twit and it could change your whole career. Who was really mad at him? You can say something douchey. This is like watching CNN showbiz report and they're like, listen, come back when everybody's talking about it. Who's talking about it? What fucking Momo's talking about?

The stuff, the guy that he tweeted. Who's talking about this? Who's talking about it? What fucking Momo's talking about? The stuff that the guy, that he tweeted. Who's talking about this? Who's talking about it? Who gives a fuck? I give a fuck. Who gives a fuck? This is what acquiring minds are talking about on TMZ. People fucking stuck in some hole under a cave are talking about it

because they got nothing better to do in a jail cell. People with lives don't give a fuck. People with bills and mortgages don't give a fuck. That's the Book of Mormon. The Book of Mormon, that's their new musical? Yeah. When does it come out? New York City, a previous February 24th,

opens March 24th. Those guys are awesome. They are awesome. Thank God they're alive. I know. For real. Nobody has entertained me more than the South Park guys over the course of their careers.

No one. No one even comes close. Those guys have been putting it out for over a decade, strong. It was like when I first heard about them, I first watched the Brian Boitano, what would Brian Boitano do? That was like shit.

That was like, it seems like that was like 98 or something like that. Yeah, that was so long ago. That's a long ass time ago. It seems like when I saw it, it was somewhere around then. Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do?

It might even have been Before 98 man Because I think I was Living in Encino Are you playing What would Brian Boitano do? You know what the craziest thing was? I did that movie

I don't know what the fuck These guys were Yeah which movie did you do? Basketball Did I give a fuck? Oh yeah that's right You were in Basketball People were like

God you have no idea What are you talking about? Yeah he played one of the Rough Breeze Were they cool? They were okay You know what I mean You fuck Oh, yeah, that's right. You were in basic ball. People were like, God, you have no idea. What are you talking about, guys? Yeah, he played one of the rough breeze. They were okay. You know what I mean? And you're fucking over there.

They're bad motherfuckers, man. I'd be very happy with those guys. Yeah, they were cool. Well, you know, whatever. Especially after that Carlos Mencia episode. Look how old school that was That's what my boy Tano do I'm gonna teach you about of me

It has tempted my vocabulary And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone For when we all be an activist too Cause that's what my boy Tano do That's what my boy Tano do Call the kids in town And tell them to unite for truth That's what my boy Tano do Look at you and your little mess up. So what do you got lined up for the rest of the week, Tarzan? Nothing.

Just maxing and relaxing. Kicking back. I'm going out to the back floor. Laying low. What are you doing? Going over to the John Lovett's tonight and tomorrow night. Are you? Felipe Spars and a couple other guys that were with San Juan.

Tonight and tomorrow? Yeah. Damn, you're doing a Christmas Eve show? Damn, it's going to be crazy at that Universal. Get there early. Let me tell you something. Last year, fucking, they said that last Christmas Eve or last, no, no. Gabriel did last Christmas Day.

He did four shows. The last show, he took everybody to eat. And he had them out until five in the morning, Gene Simmons included. He had the whole play. He took them all out to eat. Really? The last show, he took everybody to eat. He had them out until 5 in the morning. Gene Simmons included. He had the whole play. He took them all out to eat. The last show, everybody. He took the whole crowd out to eat? The whole three floors. Holy shit. Where? Where the fuck did they fit everybody in?

Some fucking Denny's somewhere. They fit everybody in? Yeah. Wow. Well, half the people went home. He took them all. That's hilarious. Fucking nuts. That's hilarious. Fucking nuts. That's hilarious. So they say it's going to be crazy. Cuting Gene Simmons.

So Gene Simmons is a big comedy fan, huh? He has four new episodes coming out of his show, by the way. Who, Gene Simmons? Gene Simmons. Four new episodes. About what? I don't know. His reality show show. You watch it?

No, I don't watch it. I just saw it. I've been watching Celebrity Rehab at Eddie Bravo's recommendation, and my God, is it good. Yeah. It's the best. This isn't even a good one. I couldn't get into that show. This isn't even a good one.

Oh, it's plenty good. This isn't even a good season. It's plenty good. You missed the Andy Dick. Yeah, I don't care about any of those people. Andy Dick was on? Yeah. Oh, you missed a good season.

Yeah, this is a bad season. I lived with Andy Dick for five years. Not lived with him, but worked with him. This is nothing. I don't need to see that show. I hope Andy's good. We were just talking about 100 grand for 21 days and they're going to heal you. Dude, let me tell you

something, man. This episode's getting me, man. Or this season's getting me. If this isn't a good one... You know what's most fascinating? Eric Roberts is fucking fine. Okay? Eric Roberts is surrounded by these maniacs and nuts and all he's hooked on Is weed

So everyday people are going through DTs They're shaking, Leif Garrett's trying to fucking fix He's like I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here Meanwhile Eric Roberts has got his reading glasses on He's drinking a cup of coffee Looking through the paper like a gentleman There's nothing wrong with that guy

Eric Roberts if you're out there If you're listening Listen to me man You don't need to stop smoking weed You just need better people To smoke weed with That's what your problem is You're freaking out You're by yourself

Okay What about the billionaire kid That kid needs to get fucked Than he is That poor kid man That poor kid is in a terrible situation Where he's raised by Some fucking cunt bag

That didn't pay attention to him And his dad was never home I like last season. It sucks, man. It sucks. But you know, that's how you raise a shitty kid. All of them are a mess, man.

They're all a mess. All the dick shit that you could tell suck. Oh, oh. I bet she's good at it too. I bet she's good at it too. She looks like she's a dirty little fucking whore. She's so dirty. What about the model?

You know, her eyebrows were freaking me the fuck out though, man. Her eyebrows were not where they were supposed to be. And it was driving me nuts. Well, they're not drawn on, man. They're just pulled up way and like she's not she's not that old man she's a young girl and she's pretty enough like she doesn't have to keep fucking with

herself it's like girls they get to a certain point where they're trying to continually tweak things like you gotta realize that any guy who would give a fuck about those minute differences that you're trying to sort out in your face, that guy's a douchebag. Or shoes. Yeah, just fucking let it go. So you're going to get a line in your forehead.

We're all going to die. You're going to be fine. Let that fucking line grow in your forehead. What about the line the kid dropped last week? That was the greatest comic line of all time

in a reality show. What? There was an argument and the kid actor from the Hills goes, I've been at eight rehabs. I've never seen anything like this. I've never seen anything like this. Eight rehabs and you're still trying?

You fucking mook. And he's like 25. Eight rehabs. Eight rehabs and you haven't figured out. Fuck it. I'm going for broke. How old is that dude? He's been to eight rehabs. You know how many rehabs I went to? How many? One. Because they made me go in the halfway house. Because I came back hot for weighing cocaine because it goes through your skin when you me go in the halfway house because I came back hot for weighing cocaine

because it goes through your skin when you weigh it on a scale. So I came back hot. So they said, we put you back in jail for six months or you have to go to rehab. And I found there's a rehab in Boulder that all you have to do is go from two to six and you'd be healed in four weeks. Ah, Boulder. They ate it right up. Really? You're going to go to...

And they wanted like a grand and that's it. I had to go from two to six. And I would go there and I got a little chick that was there. Her name was Patrice Twining from Michigan. She would suck my dick every afternoon during the break. Like from two to four and then from four to 420 we'd have a cigarette break and she'd suck my dick. I'd do a line with her

at the fucking thing. I appreciate rehab for some people and I think we both know people that just cannot do things. They just, whatever the fuck it is when they do a bump or they smoke a joint or they do a shot they are going to go off on a goddamn blackout adventure of death and here's the real problem

you know this because you have an addictive personality to games and pool and we've discussed this you say gays or games? games which is really weird and Brian knows as we've all discussed this but you go to 50 fucking rehabs. You can go to 50 fucking rehabs. And unless you're ready to quit, you ain't going to quit.

Yeah. You know, here's the real issue. I'm sorry to tell you that. Here's the real issue. They're not using all the best methods that are available. It's very simple. If you look throughout human history at the number one most effective way to get over an addiction, it's Ibogaine. Ibogaine, the super psychedelic drug that's illegal in America. People have taken that stuff and it's got some insane rate of healing

people from addiction. It's like in the 90%. And you're talking about, when you're talking about 90% of people that are addicted Like God And a lot of them have to go back to the same environment A lot of people are impulsive But it's such an insanely introspective experience You see all of your wiring And where things are going wrong With the wrong connections

We don't allow any eye-opening shit here You know why? Because it makes no money Because if we did that There'd be no rehabs. You know, we go to Weight Watchers, Brian. Well, no, it's not even that, man. We go to Weight Watchers.

It's like you can't... And here's the funny thing about Weight Watchers. It's a corporation for you to lose weight, but they don't want you to lose weight, guy. Guy.

It's not that they don't want to heal you. They haven't thought about it this far in advance. It's that there's no money in the cure. Ibogaine, whatever it is, it grows.

It's the same thing like marijuana. But it's $4,000 for the treatment. To get the doctor in your room with the blood pressure, to check your blood pressure, the street days of sweating and psychological trips and the whole thing.

We could open up rehabs where people go into that, pay $8,000 and get healed and never have to go back. But the rehabs that are around open now, they get money from repeat business. They want you to get healthy, but they don't really want you to get healthy. Yeah, but you really believe that. I don't believe that.

I think the people that are involved in treatment are trying to help people. I really do. No, they're trying to help people. They really are. I'm trying to help Brian. But the fucking odds, the recidivism rate is so high for drugs. I don't think they know. I don't think they know about Ibogaine. I think there's a very small percentage of the people that are involved in any addictive behavior counseling.

Like, you know, like if you look at like Dr. Drew, like he doesn't even consider a psychedelic drug trip to cure you of addictions. He would never consider it. Let me ask you a question. But hold on a second. If you look at it on paper, if you look at the people that have actually experienced these things, it looks like there's something there. And it looks like it was not just with actual studies they've done on people. Everything I read about it is positive. Everything I read about it is positive. If I come to you right now and say, Joe Rogan, guess what? You're not going to have to ever go on the road and do comedy

no more. We're going to build this stage right here, and you're going to do comedy on this, a new system, and we're going to do comedy with the computer and people don't even need to leave the house anymore to leave the house, you know, to watch comedy. You can watch comedy from the house live. Well, this is sort of an extension of that. Well, that's going to take, well, hold on, you're not seeing where I'm going with that. That's going to take a piece

of money out of your pocket. It is? If I started, if I avoided comedy clubs and just started doing things on the computer, people could see it for free, and you couldn't tour, that's what I'm trying to say to you. If they bring this eyeball game in, you're only going to come to my rehab one time and get healed. The percentage rates are going to be lower,

so you're taking money out of my pocket. I don't want to hear about that. You don't want to hear about that. I don't think that's the case. I really don't. I don't think that these rehab centers don't want to heal people and they want to keep people in the car. I'm not saying that.

I'm not saying that. I don't think you know. In reality't want to heal people and they want to keep people. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I don't think they know. In reality, in reality, they know about it. The FDA will not approve it. Yes. Until the FDA approves it, they won't do it. It's 10 years away, 15 years away from the FDA approving it.

But it's so effective. Is it even though? Because, you know. It is so fucking effective. They thought in the 70s, like Carl Sagan talked openly about how easily marijuana would be legal within a decade. They were like, it was just inevitable. It's not going to be legal for another two or three years. Marijuana? Yeah. I don't even believe that anymore. After

this stupid law, if you can't pass in California, come on, man. This is the apex of the information age. Was it? Yeah, that sloppy was completely, that law was completely thrown together sloppy. Okay, no way. I'm ignorant.

There was a bunch of things that law would have passed it so it was legal to smoke weed at work, as an example. It was just thrown together really bad. Come on. Yeah, that's what a lot of people who are against it. We have to look this up. You can't say this unless we know for sure. Well, that's one of the things. I know, but we have to be careful. There was a lot of weird things are against it. We have to look this up. You can't say this unless we know for sure. Well, that's one of the things. I know, but we have to be careful.

There was a lot of weird things. Why do we have to be careful? As a society, I don't think we're ready. You can't say it unless you're Proposition 19. Proposition 19. As a society, I don't think we're ready. But there was things like that thrown in there, like multiple things just like that, that were thrown in there that were just sloppy. And even people that wanted that legalized marijuana, they didn't like it because it was just fucking thrown together bad.

But if anything, it showed that it was, you know, the next time it's on, if they have some more time to write it better and stuff like that, it probably will pass, I think. The word was that the growers were saying, don't vote. Yeah. The growers were coming out.

You'd go into pot shops. Don't fucking vote. You'd go into pot shops and then people would say not to vote for it. Yeah, because then they would go under. That would be the problem. First of all, no one would have, you wouldn't have to go to these shops and people would say not to vote for it. Yeah, because then they would go under. That would be the problem. First of all, you wouldn't have to go to these places to buy your pot. No, but that's where you'd go.

You wouldn't have to be licensed. Not necessarily because these are medical places. You'd have a totally different reason for selling. And by the way, that's been cut down. You can't mix the medical places with places that are just for profit only. I'm sure you'd have to have different laws. Maybe. Pot would allow pot smoking at work

group claims. Is this true? That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This law was stupid. I mean, it was sloppy and stupid. That's why it didn't pass. It wasn't a good written law. Somebody was stoned when they wrote that law. They didn't think it out, you know? The California

Chamber of Commerce claimed in legal analysis released Thursday that Proposition 19 would lead to more workplace accidents by forcing employers to let workers smoke pot on the job. See? These fucking greedy stoners, you greedy cunts. It's retarded. Oh, my God. That's amazing. I thought that that had to be wrong.

I was like, I bet he's got it, like it only if it's a job that you don't operate certain things. I love you, man. Come on, dude. I do have faith, but occasionally, we both know you say some crazy shit. Occasionally. Don't you? No. If you Google all the stuff I say,

there's some truth to it. I'm like Alex Jones. I saw Alex going crazy the other other day i saw some fucking thing we was talking about depopulation and it's happening it's all going on i just want to just go grab the guy and go get him a drink come on did you ever see him dressed up as the joker no youtube that alex jones uh joker he's dressed up as the joker with like the blood on his we should talk about alex because the video is coming out this week. We're going to have it done this week. I love Alex Jones.

People think Joe Rogan doesn't like Alex Jones. Thinks Alex Jones is an idiot. I love that guy. He's fun. He's my friend. Is he right? I don't know. Look, I got more important things to think about. I'm worried about the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm worried about aliens. Bitch, I work for

NASA. I'm worried about really, really interesting things to me whether or not alex jones is right about everything that's interesting as well i mean this the study of the human race the the fall of room seeing all this crazy shit going on seeing how much of it is just nonsense and crazy talk like they're gonna put chips in your cornflakes and it's gonna you know come on how much is that's real i don't know. But I do know he's right about a lot of things. There's a lot of shit going on, man.

We're seeing much more exposure of all the corruption in all levels of government. You know? Much more exposure than anybody had ever had access to before. And the government doesn't give a fuck that we know. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. They're not doing anything about it. No, we can't.

You know, the thing about Alex Jones is that he's great, and he exposes us to a lot of things, and some of it is useful and some of it isn't. But at the end of the week, there's nothing we can do about it. There's not much we can do about it, because nobody's going to even fucking get together to sign nothing or put nothing together. Well, here's reality. Here's reality.

And this is where it's going to sound really strange. This is what we can do about it. There's nothing we can do about it as far as going out. I mean, look, Obama thought he was going to change things. Look at what happened when he got into office. Guy wins the fucking Nobel Prize and then sends 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. If he really thought that he was going to be able to do anything differently once you get into office, once you get in there, you kind of understand.

You're dealing with a machine that is just fucking beyond your comprehension, so intertwined with corruption. But this is what you can do. What you can do is what we're doing. What you can do is what anybody out there is doing who's showing a more positive example and giving you a more fun and happy way to live your life. You inspire people to potentially live along those same lines. And that's what you can do. And that's what you can do with art. And that's what you can do with writing. And that's what you can do with writing. And that's what you can do with any form of expression. And that's what you can do if you express yourself and let people know that that's how you're living. And this is the fun way to do it, man. You don't have to be a cunt. You don't have to be a douchebag. You don't have to be out there raping the world. Like that's not the

right way to go about it. It's not fun. You just need a lot of people to recognize that vision and see it and realize, hey, we are only here for a short amount of time. If you go around saying it's all about me living life like a fucking douchebag when it's all over, you're going to have just a wreck of a life. You're not going to be enjoying yourself. You're not going to be having a good time through this fucking thing. If we could all recognize that, we really could put this place in a different frequency. We really could put this place in a different frequency. We really could make human beings respond and behave on a better level than we're doing now. But the only way that we're going to do it is to electrify the young. You've got to get in their head. You've got to inspire these people.

There's people out there that are hearing some of the shit that you're saying, some of the shit that Brian's saying, some of the shit that Duncan says on this podcast. They're hearing all this shit, and it's ringing in their mind. They're hearing Eddie's stories. When Eddie starts talking about jujitsu and breaking down life and breaking down his own ability to figure out things. People hear about shit like that, man, it gets you thinking and you start questioning, how have I been managing my life? Have I been doing the same thing? I will now be inspired to manage my life in a similar fashion and live in a happy, positive way. And don't get stuck in some fucking trap.

And don't think that this thing isn't permanent because it's not permanent. If you go around living like you can just keep up with this shitbag life and eventually someday you're going to get a nap. You're going to get a point in your life where you can settle down and relax. But that point's not fucking happening, man. That's not going to happen. Shit begets shit and it's just going to get worse because your health is going to fail on you. Keep it together, bitches.

Very cheerful. No, it is a cheerful message because the reality is the only way to do it is to really, if you really want to change the world, you have to inspire young people. That's how you change the world. The world isn't people that don't have mortgages. The world isn't people that don't have mortgages. The world isn't people that can still create new things. The world isn't people that can still take chances because they don't have to worry about coming home

to take care of their kids. The world is in chances, man. You can still inspire chances. You can still inspire thinking. You can still inspire positive energy. Mad flavor is all up in this bitch. Right? The fuck are you talking about?

It's not what I'm talking about. You got an orange fucking suit on with goggles. You know what I'm talking about, bro. You're fixing the world, Joe Diaz. We're fixing it one guy at a time. But then I gotta compete with Paris Hilton. You follow me? You ain't doing shit for fucking nobody. I'm not looking to save the world.

I'm just looking to get a few fucking laughs, smoke a few joints, get healthy, love my wife and my cats, and be able to have a good time when I'm hanging out with you motherfuckers. And part of doing that is inspiring other people. Part of doing that is making other people laugh. When you're doing that and you're inspiring people and making other people laugh, you are literally creating a better environment. You're forcing people to be happier. Not forcing them, but you're helping people to be happier. And you're moving them along in a good direction. That's the future. That's the only way that we're

really going to have a future. We've got to work together. Brian, it's your move. Do you like comic books? Brian's just going to masturbate watery sperm onto his... I'm going to Disneyland for Christmas. I'm kind of nervous. Never been to Disneyland. Last time I was at Disney World, I was like 11 years old or something

like that. I hated it. Disneyland is really fun when there's no one there. Why would you want to go on a day where it's going to be a mob scene? You think it's going to be mobbed? Is Disneyland mobbed on Christmas? I thought it wouldn't be. Bah! Oh, really?

Bah! Stay home. If you want to go, what you're supposed to do is go while the kids are in school. Right. You don't need to go on a special day, son. That day's not real. That hasn't really even Jesus' birthday, okay? Jesus was like

born in June or some shit. This is fake. You get in the hotel room too? No, I was just going to drive up. The pagans, man, it was their holiday. It was the winter solstice, man. In order to get the pagans to be Christians, they combine holidays.

Don't go, dude. Go on like a Tuesday day. You want to get the pagans to be Christians, they combine holidays. Don't go, dude. Go on a Tuesday day. You want to get there early. For some reason, I thought it wouldn't be crowded on Christmas. Oh, you're crazy. It's always crowded. I heard two weeks ago on Saturday, he said it was the most crowded he's ever seen in his fucking life. Really?

You don't appreciate Disneyland until you have little kids. Oh, my God. When I take my little daughter to Disneyland, I have never had this much fun in my grown life that I can remember. Just taking her around and just like getting on the teacup rides and then we're going to do this ride. And then we're going to do this ride.

Like so excited at every turn. Like giant joyful smiles. And you see these kids running around. You go, now I get it. I didn't get it before. Yeah, but I always thought of it as like, it's a pain in the ass. My parents were yelling at me, don't go anywhere. Get over here.

Where are you going? You know, it's like. I came here by myself when I was 10 and 11 and shit. Really? I used to come out here and my uncle would drop me off at Disneyland solo. Really? And I'd spend the fucking day out there and fly back to New York a week later. Wow.

Like a die yourself, huh? Die. Did you meet friends there? Fuck friends New Jersey New Jersey I'm gonna fucking Disneyland mugging kids and those days yeah drop me off one time he's dropping candy canes on baby next day he couldn't go so he just dropped me off I wanted they were like a hundred bucks I did some blowing the teacups. Fucking teacups. It wasn't a small room for me. You never seen anybody have fun. You don't experience joy through a little two-year-old.

That's your two-year-old, and she's running around a park having a good time on rides. I totally understand it all now, man. I swear to God, I used to look at people that had kids and look at the things they were doing with kids, and I would say, yeah, look at this guy loves his kid, and this wife loves her kid, but here they are hanging out at Disneyland. They

don't want to be at fucking Disneyland. They want to be home. I never really understood that when your children are having fun and they're laughing, you laugh with them. You have fun with them. I never kind of got that until I had kids. You know what I mean? It's like, I always said, well, you're happy for them.

Sure. Like, you know, they'll look at the kids happy. Oh, I'm happy too. That's great. But it's not that man.

It's you're happy too. You're with them. You're like one of them. Like when they get excited and jump around and laugh, you get like this charge through your body. It's like the furnace of whatever the fuck that's in you, your soul, your spirit is like the door opens to the furnace and like winds of pure oxygen blow on it. That's what it feels like. It's like everything fires up

and it's like you just have this insane feeling of love and happiness watching these little kids have a good time laughing and joking around and cackling and just having so much fun and, you know, putting on a little princess dress. I am a princess. I always thought that would be annoying, but you don't realize it's not even a little annoying. It's awesome. Yeah. You know, it's a, it's a crazy thing, man. I always say that having children is just like having mushrooms. If you haven't done it, shut the fuck up. Cause you really don't know. If you haven't done it, shut the fuck up Because you really don't know You really don't know

Having children is a strange trip, man So strange Plus, have you ever been around children And watched Pink Floyd, The Wall? Anyway Hey, by the way, have you been to FilthyJewishTerrorist.com? What is that?

It's an awesome web,.org, I'm sorry FilthyJewishTerrorist.com. What is that? It's an awesome web,.org, I'm sorry. FilthyJewishTerrorist.org is a great website, one of my favorite websites. And I just noticed that Ari Shaffir is on the front page of it. He's a terrorist? No, they're serious. What, is it a comedy? No, it's a racist Jew, Ari Shaffir, posing as a racist KKK Klansman. The Jews are the most vile, racist creatures on the face of the earth.

Look at this Jew going around the hood somewhere deep in the black neighborhood in the inner city ghetto deep in the United States of America. The Jew attempts to pose like a Klan member while making racist and derogatory more remarks.

Derogatory. Yeah, I hate that word. It's a good word, man. But anyways, that's crazy. I just... Wow. FilthyJewTerrorist.org Maybe we shouldn't

want to promote that. No, I wouldn't promote it. This is awful. We already said it. The fuck you doing, man? Now Ari's gonna get all this hate mail. I'm sorry. My mom is the one that I wouldn't promote it. This is awful. We already said it. The fuck you doing, man? Now Ari's going to get all this hate mail. I'm sorry. My mom is the one that told me about this website.

It's great. Yeah, don't tell Ari about it. All right. Actually, you have to tell him about it now. It's on the podcast, you fuck. Oh. How come you didn't tell him about it yet? You decided to broadcast this shit all throughout the world

that a bunch of people who hate, hate him. Sorry, Ari. A bunch of haters, and you're giving them all this props? Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any self-control, please do not go to that website. Do not support these terrible people.

They need Jewish fleshlights. What's the difference? You think there's a different kind of vagina that the Jew has? It has teeth. It has teeth.

Stinky. Whoa. How many Jewish girls have you had sex with your whole life? Three. Three? And how many of them stunk? One. One stunk? Stinky Whoa How many Jewish girls Have you had sex with Your whole life Three Three And how many of them stunk One

One stunk And did this Does this one have a reason For stinking That you could discern I don't know She was just a vegan Just always

Was like a Dirty hippie at heart Yeah Now what did it stink like Did it smell like a butt It smelled just like Lottie and cheese Poor showering poor showering

Poor showering? Okay No more comments No more comments from Mr. Reichel How rude I'll tell you what man I've done some kissing and telling back in my day What are you talking about?

It's not nice This was like 10 years ago I stopped This was 10 years ago I stopped doing that a long time ago When you realize it hurts their feelings This is not necessary man This was 10 years ago There's other things to talk about Definitely I when you realize it hurts their feelings. This is 10 years ago.

There's other things to talk about. Definitely, I don't even know who this girl is anymore. That was in Ohio too. There's a different kind of smell

than they come from Ohio. It's the cow milk. They have better milk. The grass. They're more hearty. They get more cow antibiotics in their diet. What the fuck,

Joe Diaz? Look at him. He's looking at me. He's like, poor kid. He's lost. He's lost. He's a man boy. He's got his little Zach Galifianakis beard. Look at him. He's looking at me. He's like, he's a poor kid. He's lost. He's lost. He's a man boy.

He's got his little Zach Galifianakis beard. Look out. Zach Galifianakis beard. He's got his little Zach Galifianakis beard. Well, they say that when there's,

I think I got this right, when there's not as many men around, men start shaving their head, their face, and start, like, getting more feminine. But when there's more men around,

men start growing facial hair. Really? Yeah. It's almost like to let all the men know that they have testosterone. They grow the facial hair to let them know. And when there's an abundance of women and not that many men,

then men get all fucking girly. They start shaving, wearing cologne and shit. Do you wear cologne, Joe Deer? I like cologne. Get the fuck out of here, right? That's what I'm talking about. Give me some of that.

A man that wears cologne, I don't trust. I don't trust him either. Because they're hiding something. Especially if you wear some rapper's cologne. What the fuck are you doing? Here's a tip. Most girls that I've met love cologne. They're the ones that buy it for me.

Okay, here's a tip. Most of the girls you're meeting are broken bitches. Yeah, but I'm not trying to hit on you. I don't care if you don't like the smell that I spray on me, but I spray one little spray and that girl smells it. They like it. Those girls are broken. Those girls are broken.

It's like shoes. I don't give a fuck about shoes, but if I buy a certain kind of shoe, that's certain. You know what girls like? They like what smells like the inside of a cage. That's what they like. They like wood odor.

Musk. That's weird. You. They like wood odor. Musk. Yeah, that's weird. Like you've just been running through a forest trying to catch them and fuck them. That's weird you just said that. That's the smell they like. You know Glade, like the kitchen Glade shit? They have this new kind that smells musky. It smells like a Persian nightclub.

And so now, the other day, my friend sprayed it in my house, and it now, it doesn't smell like Lysol. It smells like Persian nightclub. And it's made by the Glade Company. It's like Axe Body Spray Lysol. It's awful. Oh, that's so weird. Is it like some bachelor scent? Yeah. Is it really?

Yeah. It's like a cologne for- But what's it called? What do they call it? It's called Kitchen Sensations or something stupid like- Ew, you just spit it all stupid like it's like a porno man yeah kitchen sensation sounds like the name of a porno it's got this fucking porno could you imagine could you imagine if that was some fucking cia shit if they came out with some stuff that made people fuck like mad dogs and it was one of those plugins they stuck on the wall like they just

wanted to do some population studies see if they can just up the population in the neighborhood so they start selling in a very controlled market like cleveland or some shit right they start selling these little glade air fresheners wicked cheap you start giving them away you know oh you buy a fucking a futon you get a free glade you know hard-on air freshener they start sticking these things in the wall and people just start going crazy just fucking the shit out of each other the glade hard-on air freshener. They start sticking these things in the wall, and people just start going crazy, just fucking the shit out of each other. The glade hard-on. Listen, man, they could have something like that

that affects your behavior. You know, when the Iraq War first jumped off, they were seriously considering trying to figure out how to make a gay bomb. They were trying to figure out a way to drop something on these guys that would be like some sort of ecstasy concoction that would just make them super horny and love at each other

and start hugging and it would kill morale. Their army would just fall apart. That's how devious the scientists we have working for us are. I gotta blow this pop stand. This is over. This fucking show's over. 507. February 4th. Mandalay Bay Theater. Buy your tickets, bitches.

They're going quickly. Sussman. Sussman is probably calling me right now. God damn it. Is it? It ain't me. It ain't. Call from AT&T.

AT&T can suck my dick. Hey, AT&T. Fuck AT&T. These dummies. Bullshit. I don't like voicemail, though. That's the problem. So I don't shut this fucking door.

Hey, come to my show Sunday at Sal's Comedy Club on Melrose. I'm having open mics. I just can't do 6 o'clock. No, you can't do 6 o'clock. It doesn't have to be 6. It starts at 6. When is your Sal's Comedy Club? I could come down there later on.

Sunday it starts at 6 o'clock. What time does it go to? Like whenever. That's all well and good, but this is what you know, bitches. Need to know. February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. Joe Coco Diaz. Joe Rogan.

Ari Shafir. Red Band confirmed dirty terrorist isn't he a terrorist is that what they say he'll be happy to know you're going Brian

Ari Shafir S-H-F-F-I-R on Twitter Brian Red Band will be going what you're filming bitch oh really

some shit's going down February 4th Mandalay Bay Theater go to joerogan.net you can buy the tickets it's available there. You know what else is available? You get a discount on the flashlight, baby.

Oh, shit, son. If you think beating off is good. Oh, you don't know what you're missing, ladies and gentlemen. What a seedy subject to be talking about. Where's my blow up the outside world, you fuck? Did you get it? Yeah, I'm waiting for you to start. I don't want to hear this, man.

I don't want to hear whatever you're playing. What is that? Orgasmo theme song. you to start. I don't want to hear this, man. I don't want to hear whatever you're playing. What is that? Orgasmo theme song. Oh, okay. I thought it was real metal. I love you guys. Merry Christmas. We love each and every one of you bitches.

Even the people that like metal. We love the people that... I love heavy metal. I love everything. Cock suckers. We love the people that love everything. What? Twitter, Facebook.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know the rest of the fucking song. If you can't take a joke, get on the subway. Big dicks in the ass is bad for your health. Stay black because that's the most important thing. Twitter, Facebook, hit me up. The video from Austin is almost completed. Brian, how many more days do you think?

Not long. I just got a little bit too involved editing some music until the end of it, and now I'm just taking too long. So how many days? Three? Four? Monday? Not that long.

Monday. Let's count on Monday. Monday's our grand launch. Monday the 28th for Austin. Next week is New Year's UFC in Vegas. Holla at your boy. Mandalay Bay, again, February 4th. Buy tickets online. You can get them on JoeRogan.net. And that's, February 4th. Buy tickets online.

You can get them on JoeRogan.net. And that's it. Thank you to the Flashlight. Go to JoeRogan.net and click the link. Get 15% off. Tonight, tomorrow night,

John Lovitz, come by and see me. Say Merry Christmas. And Felipe. Two shows. And Felipe Esparza winning last comic standing. And John Lovitz is in.

Edwin San Juan, the Filipino. We're all going to be down there tonight. John Lovitz Club is Universal City. Universal City. 10 o'clock to be down there tonight. John Lovett's club is? Universal City. Universal City. 8 to 10 o'clock tonight and tomorrow.

In the City Walk upstairs. It's a badass place. And Brian's at Sal's on Melrose on Sunday. And I'll be there Wednesday with Brian, too. Thank you, everybody, for tuning in. Stay black. Love you. Appreciate it.

Love you, bitches. Later. I never know how to end these things. Is it ended? I never know how to end these things Is it ended? I never know how to end these things No Don't end it Don't end it

Why? You don't want to end it? Because I want to hear this song Alright Goodbye No, no, no, don't end it yet I'm going to You got to keep this going first

Hold on End it, bitch Joey Diaz Joey Diaz needs to hear Blow Up the Outside World I got to pee again We're playing Blow Up the Outside World What's up, baby? That's it, folks.

Alright, thanks for having the show. I love you. Bye.