The Joe Rogan Experience - #654 - Rich Vos

Episode Date: May 28, 2015

Rich Vos is a stand up comedian. He and his wife, Bonnie McFarlane, have a documentary "Women Aren't Funny" available now on iTunes.

Killer whale captivity in Ontario, that's beautiful. We live? Hey! I just got a tweet from Phil Demers, that dude who's on the trainer, Walrus trainer. They banned killer whale captivity in Ontario. Ridge Voss doesn't give a fuck about that, though. Do you, Ridge Voss?

Are you kidding me? One of my biggest missions in life is the killer whale. The killer whale. The killer whale. There's too much feedback. I'm trying to get this. One of my biggest missions in life is to kill a were. To kill a were. There's too much feedback. I'm trying to get this. Too much feedback? Like it's just like a humming. What are you, Jimi Hendrix?

Is there a hum? Like, how do I turn it down? There's knobs, right? Is there a hum? Not a hum. I lied because I fucked up, so I wanted to make it look like there was a reason I fucked up. Where do you turn it down? What knob? This one right here.

Oh. Boy, you guys are... Is that it? Is that better? Talk. Testing one, two. There. Oh, my God. Is that too loud? Yeah, it's a little weird. How about that?

No. In between that. Okay. Is that good right there? No, it sucks. I'm like a prima donna when it comes to sound. To tell you the truth, I hate wearing headphones. Don't do you? You don't have to wear them. I don't?

No, take them off. Fuck those things. I like their little ones I put in. Oh, okay. Look how perfect it is. Sounds like I'm a whole new man. Sounds like we're talking. Jesus Christ.

Let's do this. I know. We'll let Jamie handle everything. Jamie, if shit gets weird, let us know. No, I... Brian, are you going to go crazy and stick with the headphones? I like the headphones. You do?

He's a gangster. Look at him. Look at him over there. Are you periscoping? Yeah. Just live your life. Okay. Did you go back to the little phone?

Oh, that's the Samsung. No, I'm using the Samsung Edge. It's really... Oh, very nice. Nice. It actually works very well. I'm very happy with it. It's great.

I like that phone. It's a very sweet phone. Yeah, I got it for the ting i got a um um gsm card yeah that's what i did an unlocked phone and uh it's cool the camera is so amazing compared to it uh and if you compare the like the iphone 6 with it it's like night and day difference how much better the the camera yeah the cameras i'm a big fan of that samsung. They make a slick phone. That new one, the new Galaxy, the S6 and the S6 Edge, the quality is so much better than the 5. But I really wish they didn't have to go with the,

now it's not waterproof anymore, and you don't have replaceable media storage. You can't take the battery out. You know what's really good, though, is this one, I was completely dead, and it has such a fast charge on it in my car. In like 30 minutes, it charged up to 56%

of the battery. In like 30 minutes, it was almost completely... It's great. I like them, though. I like them. Are you anti-technology, Rich Ross? Well, I got this, the iPhone 6 Plus, because I want to make my little hands even look smaller when I hold this thing. I can't tell you how many times I lay in bed trying to play Scrabble and it falls out of my fucking hands.

And it's just the most aggravating thing on the planet. But, you know, what do I use it for? I take some pictures and maybe I'll record something. Internet, Twitter. What else do I need a fucking phone for? I hear you. You know, I mean, recording, that's it. internet uh twitter what else do i need a phone for i hear you you know i mean what what recording that's it you know the videos i take of my kids and that's it you know so the cameras

in these new phones are incredible the people that make cameras must be so bummed out because they used to think those little point and click cameras that everybody used to have that market buys those nights i started a lady the other day took a picture. Not only that, how about the people that buy the ones that are disposable? How white trash are you that you're buying a disposable fucking camera? You've got to bring it somewhere and get it developed. Yeah, you've got to stick it. These pictures are great because then I'll send this to my iPad, to my MacBook, and I'll send them, you know, it's fucking, I don't even send them. I put it right next to it, and it downloads to my MacBook and I'll send them, you know, I don't even send them. I put it right next

to it and it downloads to my iPad. Did you ever see that Robin Williams movie, 24 Hour Photo? Oh yeah, it's one of my favorite movies. It's a great movie. Amazing. But today you'd be like, why would you go? It doesn't make any sense. Why would you get developed? Don't you have a printer?

Do you have any film that you haven't developed? I just found a camera that when I was 20, I met a girl on AOL. And she lived in Chicago. My mom's like, I'm going to Chicago for work. Wait a minute, that was 20 years ago? It was like the first girl I ever met on AOL. So 95. AOL 1 or 2.

And I met her on Thing. And we used to go back and forth. And my mom's like, I'm going to Chicago for work. And I'm like, hey, that girl lives in Chicago. So I met her. And we spent a day together in Chicago Don't remember what she looked like but that text you sent me someone's trolling you obviously oh, yeah. Yeah, I found out of course Yeah, he thought it was funny to say that he was my son

Well, you'd have to be you would have to been like 17 17 But I was looking and there was one girl that I that I had sex with that I don't remember who she was. I'm sure she doesn't either. Send me the pictures of me. Well, he said it was Asian. I was like, oh, I had my first Asian a couple years ago. The worst is when you met girl. Like, I met this girl once and she was hot.

And I flew to Florida a couple days to have sex. You know, and then, like, all of a she i'm going out to lunch with her and her mother like what the fuck she's probably she's a stripper so she's pure dysfunction and we go to a hotel all of a sudden i fucking right when i bust a fucking nut all i think is how am i going to get out of this whole situation i mean i'm talking another day and a half of this fucking horribleness. And she was hot. It doesn't matter. But it matters enough to get you

into the mess. Oh, yeah. It's like anything. When you're copping fucking Freebase or Crack, the whole excitement is going up there and getting through the guns and not fucking... You know what I mean? And then you get, it's like you get to home and boom, now I got it.

I made it through, you know, the minefields. I got the fucking crack. I smoke it. All right. But the whole excitement leading up to it, you know, the best thing that ever happened to me with these fucking broads, when I pick them up and take them back to my place. And my shitty apartment, I, apartment, they can never stay. I said, listen, you got to leave because my ex-wife drops my kids off in the morning, and I can't have my kids seeing, you know.

You. You. Okay. And especially I don't want my ex-wife seeing you, knowing that I went from her to you. You know what I'm saying? That's hilarious. Getting them out is, you know,

when you talk about traveling and getting laid. It's just amazing the difference. And I don't know if women, I don't think they have this experience. The difference in perspective of before you have sex with them and then after you have sex with them. It's so radically different. Like, before you have sex with them, you can't wait. You're like looking at her ass and looking at her waist and her tits. You're like, oh, this is going to be them you can't wait you're like looking at her ass

and looking at her waist and her tits you're like oh it's gonna be a mess and then when you're done you're like oh god what am i doing that's the difference between being with a girl you really do care about and being with a girl that your body just tricked you you know and that can happen to a guy and that's how you know like if you have sex with a girl, and then afterwards, you're hanging out and talking and cuddling, and you love it. You're like, oh, she's really nice. I really like her. I didn't get tricked this time.

It's like, you don't even know until the fog clears. Like, oh, where are, oh, hello, hi. It's so weird how instant it is, also. It's immediate. It's so disgusting. You could be with a girl and and everything's great like saying that all of a sudden the way uh she throws a piece of garbage in the wastebasket in your room you go i hate her okay just one little thing i was

with this girl just i'm telling you i. It was right after my first divorce. I was working South Carolina, and I met this girl. You couldn't have been any better looking. Smart, great career, newscaster. So in South Carolina, we're fooling around. It was great. I'm like, did I really find love again? Right?

You know what I mean? I was like, ah, she's beautiful, fun to be with. She came to Alabama where I was working. I guess, whatever, it wasn't far. Great weekend. Then I'm in Florida and she flies down to see me. And we're laying in bed. And I'm really sick.

I have a fever. And she goes to touch me and goes, what can I do? And I go, well, the first thing is get your fucking arm off me. Not like that. I said, don't touch me. And then I knew I knew like you have to get out of here.

And I took it. I can't do this. And she was perfect. Because I'm so fucking damaged in life that I'm going to destroy everything around. You know what I mean? When you have that damaged personality and that, you know, the whole, I'm not good enough. Somehow you're going to fuck it up. You know, that's what's great about Bonnie.

She's as damaged as I am. Is she really? Really? Let me tell you a story. We told on our radio, she grew up on a fucking farm. Okay. I guess 11 or 10,

she had to have a major operation, you know, something removed from down here. I don't know what it was. A penis? It was, no, God, I wish she still had one of those. So she had to have it removed. Right. 11 years old.

And she lived in Cold Lake. And her parents put her on a bus to go have the operation in like Toronto or wherever, 10 or 11 years old, maybe nine, by herself because her parents couldn't leave because it was harvest season and they were farmers. They put a nine or 10-year-old girl on the bus to go have a go have part of her body taken out. Oh, my God. In the hospital, you know, and then come home. You know what I mean? I think maybe they visited her at one point, but she grew up, you know, poor in the beginning, sleeping on dirt floors. You know, and then, you know, farmers and killing chickens and

this and that. And, you know, and, but she was always creative, brilliant fucking, I read one of her books she made as a kid called Chicken Island. You know, she wrote a book as a kid, just brilliant, brilliant. And that's how my kid is. And, and, and, and then if you don't think she's damaged, she went out with Mark Cohen, who's a guitar act.

How can you not fucking... Nothing against the guy. Good songs. But she's a comic and a female. What happened to that guy? Huh? I don't know. He was married, had kids,

and his wife did some cancer stuff or whatever. I always got along with him. He was a, had kids, and his wife did some cancer stuff or whatever. I always got along with him. He was a good guy. He was a nice guy. He was a great guy. Everybody liked him. Yeah.

He was a great guy. He was funny. Is he out of business? I don't think so. He's probably just doing whatever, you know. Just never hears his name anymore. Sometimes that happens, you know. Like you're around a guy all the time, and then then for whatever reason you don't hear their name anymore they just stop like exchanging circles or you know

your circles stop interacting with each other yeah there was this guy anthony i know and you would always hear his name anthony kuma and kumia yeah and you don't hear his name anymore. He's still preaching to the converted. Do you know how many podcast subscribers he has? Because he's subscription only, right? Yeah. Which I think... 22. 22 people?

No, he's doing... I think he's doing all right. I think he's doing all right. He charges like five bucks a month or something. I think he's doing... I've done his podcast. It was a lot of fun when I went out there If he was in New York

And they are setting up in New York Then it'd be He needs to move to ad base though If he moves to ad base He'll be fucking huge He's really good He's funny He's a funny fucking guy

Not only is he very smart He's politically smart Yes Very smart He knows politics He knows what's going on But people are not going to pay. They're not paying to subscribe

to things. Especially when for the same amount you can get all the channels on Sirius. All of them. How many shows do you do a week? You do like three a week? Do you do four a week? But what's five dollars a month? I mean really if you think about it. To me

it's not that much but if you're broke and you have to make your decisions, you know, there's a lot of people that are broke. Like, a lot of people don't like serious for that very reason. Because they have to think, okay, that's another $5. And this is another $5. And it all adds up. If you're chipping away, that all adds up. Especially when there's so much free content nowadays. Even with Periscope,

I was just watching Bert Kreischer the other day for like an hour and you know, that's all free and that was just like a podcast but it was live and interactive.

Well, Joey does the morning joint. Joey Diaz, every morning, gets up at 7 o'clock, he lets everybody know, like he gives you a 10 minute warning on Twitter

and at 7 o'clock he lights a joint and starts talking shit and he talks shit for like five minutes and then he says, alright, go wash your pussy, have good day you motherfuckers go kill it go kill it out there And he gives you like a little motivational speech But I I think that that kind of shit is the future you know and he's gonna get ads for periscope

That's what he's gonna. Do that's how he's gonna handle it. Yeah, that's the future Yeah, I mean look Anthony. Anthony, they're all set financially. I don't know how long it's going to last. I don't know how, you know, they did pretty well. You know, his house. Have you been to his house? No, I've seen pictures of it. It's fucking unbelievable.

It looks like Victoria Gotti used to live there. It's fucking beautiful. You know, it's real, you know, fucking statues, pouring, whatever. You know, it's got money. It's got fucking money. It's real talent. Is that from Syria? Syria gave him a ton of money? Yeah. You know, he was with them forever, those guys. They were with N. money. He's got fucking money. It's real Italian. So that was from Sirius? Sirius gave him a ton of money?

Yeah. He was with them forever, those guys. They were with NEW and Sirius. So did Sirius want to get rid of him because they were paying so much money? I doubt it. Is that part of it? No. No.

Because they're corporate. And once you say- Brian thinks yes. Huh? Brian thinks yes. You think it was over money? Oh, I think that there's a lot of money problems over at that place. They're trying to cut.

There was an article about them cutting Howard Stern's money. I think they're cutting the fat is pretty much what they're probably thinking about right now. Yeah, but I... They just took a huge loan out. Seriously? Yeah. Like, it was a year ago. Millions and millions of dollars.

And this was like the second huge loan I think that they did just to kind of bail them out and give them some time but i thought their stock went up i thought they were down to like yeah to one dollar and thirty cents yeah but it was at ten cents oh yeah yeah so i mean you could have became rich it was real high at one point in time was that four four dollars or yeah eight dollars you know i don't understand stocks but i just know it just makes no sense that a company could be worth four times as much with the products exactly the same. Like, what's happening?

It can crash. The stock can crash. But what changed? I think the idea of stocks is fucking completely ridiculous. Do you buy stock at all, Joe? No. You should invest

in Twitter right now, though, with this Periscope about to blow the fuck up. Twitter doesn't make any money at all, man. I have people that do it. Yeah, I mean, I do have stocks.

I have funds. I invest in a bunch of different things. But quite honestly, I think the days of people making fuck tons of money just on stocks, those days are numbered. So it's weird times now. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I shouldn't say that. I know almost nothing about finances. I invested, and this was years ago,

I think maybe $2,000. And my problem is I have a gambling problem like every other problem. So every day I'm looking at it to see if it went up or down. And then I'm going, this is doing great. Then all of a sudden it dropped and I just said, fuck it, I got to stop

just because all I'm doing is thinking about is this thing. And it's only like fucking $2,000 or $3,000, but. What'd you invest in? It was a mutual fund. So it was a bunch of things together, right? And I ended up saying, I'm done with this. I made like $400. But I would have lost it all.

I would have lost. And it wasn't much but it just it consumes your head you know because if you're if you're gambling if you're in vegas gambling you're thinking oh fuck i lost this here if i get it back here if i do this if i you know if i just get 300 today and 300 you know what i mean then if i get even then maybe i can fucking win a little here and that's all your head's going on when you're gambling in Vegas. You know, numbers and numbers are going through your fucking head nonstop in Vegas or at any casino. And I can't even imagine with stocks.

It's the same thing. Yeah. It's the same exact thing. Yeah. You're sitting there all day. Say you're investing in 10 different companies. All day long, you're sitting there all day. Say you're investing in 10 different companies. All day long, you're back and forth. This fucking company's losing.

I've got to throw money over here from here. Fuck, it's too much. Just go shoot craps and either win or fucking lose. Yeah, it certainly is gambling in that a lot of guys that are attracted to gambling, they get involved in stocks. And they get the same itch. The same itch. It's going up. And fuck it, Sal.

Look at the floor. When you see the floor and they're yelling and screaming at each other, which I don't even think they do anymore. I don't think they do it the same way. that with people that understand who the fuck was it we were talking with when they were talking about how they've that people have bought property closer to Wall Street so they could trade quicker because they're trading with algorithms and it's all about like nanoseconds like literally that the distance in the pipe between the the office and the the, the trading floor, makes the difference between selling and buying at the right time. It's like a ping. Yeah, exactly.

So they invested in all this real estate around that area. Real estate around Wall Street is fucking worth astronomical amounts of money. All you need is a small office. You take that small office, you put all your servers and all your stuff in there, and you do all your transactions from there, and it's amazing. Well, a lot of the stuff I learned about Wall Street and stock was from trading places. So I know a lot about it. That's a good reference point.

They know. That was a good movie. So I see these guys. But, you know, during the whole market crash and the banking, and I'm not really the smartest when it comes to this subject, when people lost their homes, their fucking life earnings, not one of those cocksuckers went to jail, okay? But you fucking, you know, do whatever, you know,

you know, mark the store in jail for a couple. and do whatever. Mark the store in jail. But no one from Wall Street was ever indicted for anything. Yeah, no one other than that Bernie Madoff guy. But that guy was just stealing. That was a totally different animal. That wasn't Wall Street. That was to divert your attention from Wall Street.

That was just a Ponzi scheme. Well, no. He had nothing to do with Wall Street. That was a Ponzi scheme. He wasn't working down on Wall Street. That was a Ponzi scheme. Okay? He wasn't working down on Wall Street. He was just scamming people for money. That wasn't the banking, you know, giving mortgages to people that can't afford them.

Right. You know, it started off with the real estate. It started off with the real estate salesman. Yes, we can get you into this house. Then to the broker. Then to the bank. And they're giving out these fucking houses to people. That kept people's minds off of really what was going on down in Wall Street.

Because it happened at the same time. What amazed me about that Bernie Madoff thing is that people that understood money got robbed. Like a lot of people, I guess it was just greed. I guess he was offering such a large percentage of return on your money that people just said, look, I'm going to take a chance on this fucking guy. Whatever he's doing, he's doing it right. People make it 25% returns, all those crazy returns. But he just banked on people not cashing in, which is just amazing.

But when's enough enough, too? Like how much money? Like there's people that lost millions. So when's enough enough for a person or you know what i mean like look take corporations one's enough enough where you're going to start treating your fucking employees like human beings start giving corporations are very tricky because with corporations it's all about they have to continue to make more money than they made the last year it's all about infinite growth so like if you made a million dollars this year you have to show them make more money than they made the last year. It's all about infinite growth. So, like, if you made a million dollars this year, you have to show them, you know, in the first quarter of the next year, we're up 5%. And you have to keep doing that.

And if you don't keep doing that, then you're losing money because you have stockholders. And your main obligation is to earn these stockholders money. Yeah. That's what you have to do. And if you don't do that, they'll get rid of you as a CEO. Well, it's the same as any comedy club if i go in a comedy club if they make money and i make money we're happy as long as you don't lose you know i fight with comedy clubs i go well you didn't lose last time i was there well we didn't make well look you didn't lose it was a there's a profit okay uh i talked to these employees from Costco after a show a couple weeks ago.

They're fucking paid 30-something an hour, health insurance, kickbacks from whatever they spend there. I mean, this corporation is great to their employees. Costco is. Yeah, they're fucking great. I'm talking to these ladies that have been here 20 years, 18 years, that are making, you know, $35 an hour and getting health benefits. And whenever they buy products there, a percentage of that goes into their whatever fund. So, I mean, it's a great corporation. But there's other ones. I don't want to say names because I don't want to get fucking sued.

But you know. You know, when's enough enough? I don't want to get fucking sued, but you know. You know, when's enough enough? How much money does a certain family need before they start taking care of their fucking employees? For a lot of folks, I think what happens is that's the only way that they keep score at things. You know, the only way you keep score is money. And if you're not making more money than you were making before, you feel like you're losing.

They never feel like they're accomplishing anything unless they're making money they don't have a quantifiable score on anything else it's not like you know like if you were doing something else that you really enjoy doing on top of making that money you know like something competitive maybe i think there's a lot of a lot of what what goes on in business is competition you know i mean it's a lot of it is sort of what made human beings, human beings in the first place. It's like this desire to constantly move ahead, constantly, you know, make everything better,

progress, keep pushing forward. Like that whole desire that led to cities, agriculture, that's the same sort of instinct that leads people to continually pursue and you get greedy and greedier Yeah, it's drive. Yeah, and the best point is when they don't have anything else to fall back on You know when they I don't know. I mean look you look at Trump. I Don't know about his I know he knows how to build fucking golf courses this fucking guy knows how you're build a golf course. Well, you're a golfer, so you understand that.

And I've been to some of his courses. Does he golf? Yeah, he golfs. I've heard stories, but he golfs. Heard stories about what? His socks? No, I heard he's okay. I heard he's okay.

What stories have you heard? You say you haven't heard stories. That he plays a lot of golf. He plays a lot of golf. Does he gamble? Oh, I don't think so. I don't know. I never...

I don't know. No, I'm just saying he'll fly in on his helicopter, you know, but he likes to win. He likes to win in life. Right. And maybe like, say, let's even say we'll use a Malcolm X term by any means necessary. He likes to win. Okay. So I don't know.

I feel racial tension in the room. No, no, no. Do you feel it? Awkward boner. But, okay, so he's well off in life. But at least on the side, he's doing something that gives him passion. Right. Do you know when he's building these golf courses and he's going to play?

And I'm not pro-Donald Trump or anti or something. I'm just saying that this is a guy that, besides building big fucking skyscrapers all over New York and everywhere, his thing is building and playing golf. Remember when he was trying to say that Obama wasn't born in America? He was chasing that down. Obama was born in Kenya, and his birth certificate was fake. But you know what's going to be funny? When that all comes out and Obama says, you know what, you guys?

After it's over, after he did eight years. He's done, look. All right. Back to America. In the interest of total disclosure, I am, in fact, a radical Muslim terrorist. I've been infiltrating and trying to weaken America from the inside. All of you white people in Iowa, you were all right. Yeah, the white people in Iowa.

All those fucking crazy Christians that take back America, folks. Have you heard the Rick Santorum song, Take Back America? We played it yesterday. Who's ever in office, the other side's going to hate him and trash him and do whatever. I mean, look, it's Bush stunk. Obama's not the best president on the planet either. None of them, none of, you know, if you're a fucking Jew that votes for Obama, there's got to be, I mean, he's not really, really pro-Israel.

You know, he's not anti, but he's not the pro-Israel. So if you're a Jew, you have to be pro-Israel. Is that the deal? Well, no, because here's the thing. You don't have to be pro-Israel, but anti-Semitism that runs rapid throughout Europe. Rampant? That's the word? I guess it's rapid as well. No, I'm rampant.

Look at, this isn't fucking Bonnie or Norton correcting me. I say some wrong words every now and then, but you know what I'm saying. But you know what I'm talking about. What did I say? Rampant. Rapid. I'm pretty sure you say rapid. Did you say rapid?

No, rampant or rapid. I bet you can say ramp. It runs rampant or rapid. Rampant or rapid. I said rampant. Let's look it up. Rampant or rapid. I said rampant. Let's look it up. Rampant is not it. Rampant?

Rampant. I said rampant. What did I say? It's rampant. Rampant. Okay, what did I say? Rampant? You said rapid.

I'm pretty sure. It runs rapid. It could have been anything. It could have been. But you knew what I was talking about. Basically. Okay. Anti-Semitism.

Just in case someone listening is young and impressionable, and they might go use that same word, like when they're going for a job interview or something like that. Well, you know, I think disinformation runs rapid throughout this world. Okay. But I would like to... We'll talk about a couple things I know that I can't fuck up. Okay. So, Jews, Obama, what?

Okay, so the anti-Semitism throughout Europe. Right. Oh, yeah. That's out of control. Have you seen that thing in France? You know, they had this guy dressed up as a Jew walking through these Muslim neighborhoods in Paris. Like, whoa, there's some fucking serious. That's obviously where Charlie Hebdo happened, where they killed those guys for drawing those cartoons of Muhammad

There's a lot of anti-semitism in Europe. Yes. I was talking to Ari about it and Ari and his brother his brother actually lives in Europe and he said that essentially they would just like really tolerant of all sorts of different religions and a Lot of like really radical people moved there because of of different religions and a lot of like really radical people moved there because of that because it was a good place for them well it's going to overflow whatever happens and it overflows the anti-semitism in this kind of people in this country really think jews run this country they really think that huh they don't do you really

been here are we getting these newsletters. I was explaining to a comic, you run this country. There's 3% of us in this country. 3%. They've done really well, though. Yes, yes. If we did, that would say the other 90%. 97% is pretty fucking...

We need to get this number down. 3%. Now, wait a second. Now, wait a second. And I'm saying this is... You know the wasps run this country. Fucking Walmart, Chase Manhattan, Banks. It's all fucking waspy, old school money. Right.

But this fucking world and country could not survive without Jews. Medicine, science, the arts, fucking we have given back more to this country. You? You're a part of that? Yes, I am. I kill on stage every time. Listen to me. If you're in Ventura this weekend at the Ventura Harbor

Comedy Club, I heard it's a great place. Friday through Sunday. I heard they have top-notch comedians there. I'm there this week. You're there this week. I don't fail. Okay, a word or two might get messed up, but you'll know what I'm saying. But I'm not going to fucking fail. So Jews have given back to society. Right.

We've won more Nobel Prizes percentage for science and medicine than anybody else. That's true. European Jews, they're like number one when it comes to Nobel Prizes for science. This fuck, these phones right here, where do you think that technology came from? LSD. Koreans. Jews. Jews.

No, no, the Chinese people and Steve Jobs, he did acid. Steve Wozniak. Listen. He was the genius behind it all. Is he Jewish? Wozniak? No, no. They're the ones who thought of the technology in them.

Oh. Jews? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Do you know what he's talking about? the ones who thought the technology in them. Oh. Jews? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Do you know what he's talking about? This part of the phone right here to here. That part?

Jews. Okay. Three-fifths of this phone, Jews. That's the part where the notifications pop up? Right here in this area. Asian, okay? Asian? Yeah.

Okay. This area right here down in the bottom corner? Mm-hmm. You know. Italians. Yeah. We don't, my people don't contribute shit My people don't contribute shit I'll never buy a Ferrari ever The fucking tires will fly off on the highway My people don't pay attention

Construction what are you kidding me Maybe barely Artistic stuff but nothing engineering wise I don't trust them You know Italians I gotta admit Dave had it a lot I'm not impressed Oh, you're not not impressed my own people. I don't know

Fucking co-unity boardwalk Empire You know, it's just I I think that like when it comes to technology the people that are most impressed with the Japanese and the Germans Japanese and the Germans seem to especially when when it comes to engineering, like cars, automotive engineering, it's hard to fuck with those two people. The Japanese and the Germans, that's it. Americans are like a third now. Americans, like the

new American cars are pretty fucking good. Have you seen those new Cadillacs that look like spaceships? CTSVs? Fucking beautiful, man. I mean, they finally nailed it. I drove one of those Escalades. I rented an Escalade. It's amazing. The new one is fucking fantastic.

It is a great car. It handles like a much smaller car. It's an enormous SUV, but they have this magnetic control suspension, and it handles like an S-Class Mercedes. It's incredible. The entire dashboard is a screen.

The dashboard is like a laptop. There's no real gauges. It's a laptop screen. It's an LCD screen. That seems like also a bad idea in some ways, doesn't it? You know what else is great? The navigation system is fucking huge. So you get this huge screen that's your all your gauges

your gauge cluster it's all LCDs and then to the right the navigation screens fucking massive how much does that start off at they're expensive and if it's really sunlight daylight it is that can you not see are you like it has a light sensor in it so it turns dark it turns black when it's at nighttime and it turns white when it's a daytime I just it turns white when it's at daytime. I just saw it. Yeah, that's what it looks like. Look at that. See that LCD cluster there? That is all one big screen.

Like all that shit you see where it's two gauges, it's not really two gauges. That's all one flat screen. And so is the thing to the right, the navigation screen. I was very impressed. Why is there a face right there? That's someone's tits. I don't know. It's probably someone calling you or something I would totally buy one of those I you know I have the Lexus that big Lexus SUV which I love

But I would definitely buy one of these Cadillacs, you know so funny You're checking out like I have two German cars, but I don't have a navigation in them What's but well I did I have a 2013 Mercedes no navigation But I have you know, it's funny. I have a 2013 Mercedes. No navigation. But I have, you know what's funny? I have a Garmin or whatever. But you can tell it's getting old. And this isn't a bit.

This is true. But it will be a bit as of this weekend. When she talks to me, she's breaking up. It's like she's getting old and dying. The voice in my Garmin. Like, she'll go, make a turn at exit and then it'll stop and she'll stop talking and then it'll pick up again and I feel like

the whole thing is she's dying. Whoever the lady is, you know what I'm saying? It's so outdated that the fuck you could feel, I have to put it to rest and get a car with navigation in it. You know what the problem is?

All of them can't fuck with this. Yeah. This is the best. When I Google something, I want to know what it is, and then it says directions, and I press directions, and it goes Bluetooth through my stereo. Oh, Waze, man, with the police? You know when the police are up ahead?

Do you know that police are using Waze, and they're faking police stops? Yeah. They're calling in fake ones to Waze just to fuck with the whole system. Well, my Bonnie's, I haven't used this yet. It eats up a lot of data, doesn't it? When you... I guess so. I don't know.

It doesn't... What, are you worried about your data? Yeah, switch to T-Mobile. Cutting on your prices down at the Ventura? Well, let me explain something to you, okay? I have three fucking kids that are... two of them else are on my phone. Okay, two older daughters that I have to cut loose. How old are they?

24 and 22. They're still on your plan? Yes, I, yes. Yeah, I know, cut them loose. Get a fucking job, kid. No, my daughter, 22 years old, just moved to Houston, called me last week. 22. I just got hired starting at $50,000 a year.

That's pretty fucking good for a 22-year-old, isn't it? In Houston, in New York. What does she do for a living? Huh? She's a buyer for, like, clothing. Oh, okay. Cool. And my other daughter graduated.

No, I got a good gig. For 22, that's a great gig. That's fucking a real good gig. That's a great gig. That's fucking a real I'll put her on my family plan. Give me give me her a number. Yeah. Yeah, I really I'd rather give I'd rather give her number to Farrakhan and give it to you. Okay Seriously if you're concerned about data as an example I just switched over to T-Mobile $50 or $100 a month You could have up to five phones and unlimited everything, data, everything.

And you could have up to five phones on it. That's pretty amazing. On what, T-Mobile? T-Mobile. And it's got the best network, at least in Los Angeles, it's the best network. I'm on... Way better than Verizon. Better than Verizon as far as phone calls?

I've had both Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint compared to T-Mobile in the last six months. And Verizon actually was the worst where I lived in Los Angeles. It might just be where you live. And that's important. You've got to find out where you live. I used to live in a spot where I could only use AT&T. AT&T was the only thing that worked in my house. Comedy store, Verizon was almost zero bars.

But on T-Mobile, it's like 30 upload. Well, that doesn't make any sense because I use Verizon at the Comedy Store all the time, and it works perfect. Yeah, I'll do a speed test with you tonight, or tomorrow. With a download test? Download and upload. It's amazing. Maybe that, but as far as phone calls, which all I use it for, other than

occasionally I do Periscope from there, which I like doing now. That's fun. Yeah, but this phone, I bought this iPhone 6. I bought it through Verizon, not through Apple. You just take that phone in. They'll buy it from you. They'll pay your contract charge. They'll pay me off.

They'll get me. Because once you're, you know, I mean, I'm fucking locked in with Verizon. You know what I mean? It's just some gangster shit they're doing. They'll pay all the contracts and everything else. Just to get you out of it? They're losing money like crazy, but this new president that T-Mobile has, he's an amazing guy. Dude, I've made fun of T-Mobile my whole entire life.

It was the best switch I've ever made. Now you're saying it's unlimited data. Unlimited everything. How long before they have it where it's like in China? In China, you could be in the middle of the forest and you get five bars. They say that it's unbelievable. They have the best cell phone signals everywhere. Is that 5G?

I don't know what they have. 5G is about to come out. Is it really? When is that coming out? Next three years, I think is what they're saying. What is that going to be like? Crazy fast. Instant movies.

HD, 4K. As you're taking off, you go, oh, I need this movie. Before it hits the air, you have the movie. I love this phone when it comes to download. I love this phone. It's a great phone. The top end phones now, like the Samsung, the Galaxy S6, and the iPhone 6,

they're amazing. It's hard to complain. Fucking Skyping with my kids. It's amazing. It's just amazing, this stuff. What is that? 10 gigabytes per second so 10 gigs god that's insane oh my god fast enough deliver a full length hd movie on your phone in a matter of seconds 10 times faster than google fiber and 40 times faster than 4g. That is fucking incredible. 10 times faster than Google Fiber is mind-blowing.

Yeah. Well, you know what? We're probably going to wind up doing the podcast through that. Oh, yeah. Once it's up, we'll probably wind up doing that. And when you start using that, thank the Jews. The Jews. I guarantee you there's a Korean dude who created that. Let's find out. Jamie, get on it. Nokia. Korea. No, that's like a Korean dude who created that. Let's find out.

Jamie, get on it. Nokia. Korea. No, that's like Sweden, isn't it? Nokia. Nokia is European. Might be Jews. The ringtone sounds Jewish.

Might be the Jews. Might be the Jews if it's Nokia. I think Nokia is a European company. Oh, man. What is Nokia? Find out. I'm pretty sure. What is Nokia?

But Nokia sounds Japanese. It's a Finnish. Finnish. Sounds Japanese, though, right? Nokia. Hi. Nokia. Finnish.

Whatever Finnish is. From Finland. No Jews in Finland. They hide. They run from Finland. Do they bring them in? Do you fucking watch the Americans? The Russians are kidnapped?

Everything Voss is like, didn't you see Trading Places? Don't you watch the Americans? Okay. You learn. I'm telling you. You learn from the TV box. That's how it works. It's a fucking rapid ascension to grace or whatever it is.

Rapid discrimination. Here's what Joe Rogan started, and he didn't even know he started this. We're doing our podcast, Bonnie and I, and I don't know if we got a tweet or a message. Rogan, and we look up we respect you we like you we we think you're great and you know we're big fans but and we were no no no no no that's not no the butt is what you did uh and and and there's no reason for us to even worry about this but But when we heard Rogan in a tweet saying Tom and Christine are the funniest comedy couple on the planet. And Bonnie and I were a little hurt. So we had to do some research.

And we said, and that's okay because they could be. I don't know them from Adam. I've never met him. I hear his name and her name. I never heard them. I never heard their podcast, but Bonnie and I, we put it out there. If you listen to our podcast, it's a long thing. Tom and Christine

cease and desist. Stop. We were the first, but then we looked into it. They did their podcast before ours, but we challenge any comedy couple to tennis. Okay, that's not comedy, though. I didn't say they were the best tennis comedy couple.

Well, I mean, I don't believe in competing. How about wrestle them? No, tennis. How about let's have an oil wrestle match? Tennis, you know, and we said, you know, we will play them in tennis. Who's better at Monopoly? Rose Battle. Rose Battle.

You know. Oh. Oh, yeah. There we go.? Roast Battle. Roast Battle. You know. Oh, yeah. There we go. Double team Roast Battle. I don't even know them, but I'm going to tell you right now, they don't want to get involved in a roast battle with Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. That's what I'm saying.

I'm telling you, man. I'll do it in their house. Look, you are a very funny comic, and so is Bonnie, and so are they. I haven't seen Bonnie do stand-up in a long time, but Bonnie is fucking hilarious. She's brilliant. She's a very funny comic. And your movie that you did, we should plug that movie because it's fucking awesome. Oh, thank you.

Women Aren't Funny, it's great. It's fucking great. It's really great. And you can get it on iTunes. It's out there right now, and you should get it to support it because Bonnie edited that whole fucking thing herself directed it She directed it and edited. She's a monster. She knocked it out of the park But I'm just I'm around Tom and Christina on a regular basis if I was around you guys I'd probably maybe say the same thing about you guys, but yeah, I'm around them all the time. I'm telling you Christina Pazitsky

Murdered at the Comedy Store last week so hard It was like it was painful to watch not last it wasn't last week because last week i was in vegas so it had to be the weekend before she fucking destroyed i mean leveled the place and i and and she said afterwards like i'm she goes i'm finally starting to like get this room she had a late spot you know and you know it's a long show she actually went on after me. I brought her up. She fucking murdered, dude.

She's really good. Really good. I'm not saying stand up. I've never seen, I've heard nothing good about her. Well, that's all I've said. I'm not, what you're saying, but I'm talking podcast. Has he ever made her cry and walk off the podcast? No, they have a really good relationship.

It's very different than yours. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. podcast? No, they have a really good relationship. It's very different than yours. Yeah, okay. Has she ever blown him on their podcast? Probably. I don't know, maybe. Has Bonnie blown

you while you guys were doing a podcast? Of course. Yes, we'll do anything for hits. Yes. Yes. That's what we're about. Did you get hard or only like three quarters? I never. You know what's the worst when you're fucking jerking off and you're not really hard and you come and you're going, how the fuck did I come

and I'm not even hard? I'm just getting old. It's also just disinterested because I did it once when I was 23. My fucking, Bonnie says Bonnie says when I was 20 that's fucking funny. Bonnie says every year she gives me one extra second.

This is so funny. I could do anything with a girl. So I'm up to nine seconds. We've been married nine years, right? Right. So I have nine seconds where I can do anything I want with a girl for nine seconds. So you can fuck a girl for nine seconds. Anything I want for nine seconds.

Are you going to hang on for 20? Nine seconds. For the 20-year anniversary? Yeah. Get a full 20 seconds. Anything I want for nine seconds. Are you going to hang on for 20? Nine seconds. For the 20-year anniversary? Yeah. Get a full 20 seconds. The other day she blew me, and I came so quick, and she said, I'm starting to rethink that whole nine-second thing. Isn't it funny that if a girl just puts your dick in her mouth, that's not as bad as if

you come? You know? Like, if you come, then it's like you finalize the agreement. You know, you've signed the mortgage papers. It's great. It's like it's a human car wash for your dick. Not only does it feel good, you're getting your dick cleaned as she's blowing you with her fucking mouth. That's one way to look at it.

But what I was saying is it's weird that she's concerned not just that a girl's blowing you, because a girl is still blowing you for the nine seconds, but that you came. That's the issue, that you come. If you didn't come, it wouldn't be as bad. If a girl blows you for nine seconds, time's up, oh, so close. That's better.

But if a girl sucks your dick and you're like, yahoo, that's bad. Here's what I would do. If I ever used this nine-second rule, obviously I would jerk off until the point. Now do it. Now do it for nine seconds, and then I'd fucking explode. But you would have a lot of pressure.

I mean, you might not. There's no pressure for me when it comes to coming. There's none. I'm going to fucking bust the. I am the most disappointing person when it comes to sex. I am fucking the worst. I bet there's a lot of dudes out there that are up in arms right now. They'll tell you they're more disappointing than you. No, I just, I'm, because when you get, you know, you don't do it for so long when you're

married, you know, two weeks, three weeks, whatever, you know, we'd rather, you know, do you want to do it? Let's get a snack, whatever. You know what I mean? Right. And it's just not, we don't love each other. Just what the fuck? So then it builds up, you know, the fucking build up, you know, and then, you know what I mean? Right. And it's just not, we don't love each other. Just, yeah, what the fuck? So then it builds up.

You know the fucking buildup. You know? And then, you know, I just go, tell me one dumb story of you fucking a professor or anything. And then I, boom. What do you think you're going to use your nine seconds on? Have you got to pick the girl? Are you going to go like old and black? Are you going to go young and red?

He's got to be uncut. Uncut? No. I mean cut. Ethiopian. He's got to be uncut. Uncut? No. I mean cut. Ethiopian. He's got to be cut. A bushman. Leaves over his dick.

Put the spear down and suck it. Like, the best way for fucking for me, and I don't know how I got this, is from behind. That's your best way? Yeah, well, you don't come as quick. You don't have to look at the person. It's kind of like it's a good. More animalistic? Yeah, it's more control.

You can imagine it's a guy. Huh? You can imagine it's a guy. No, let's not get crazy. I'm not Norton. So, whatever. So, the whole time. So, we hear this thing that you say about Tom and Christian.

We don't know them. So, you want to play tennis against them? Well, now I'm starting to think about this roast battle. I'm kind of liking that other idea, the roast battle. That would be great. Double team? You know. It would be great as long as you pick the judges.

Yeah. Roast battle is very dependent upon judges. You've got to make sure you get actual comics as judges that no well not some friend of someone that sneaks on or someone's grandfathered in you gotta make sure you get good that's like that's a big part of roast battle gotta make sure you get good judges yeah no i went the other night to the store and jeff goes you want to uh help help jeff's perfect at it yeah it's a goddamn great show when they do that roast battle when those guys jump up when someone nails somebody those guys jump up and do their their dances and

oh my god it was funny they had a suicide bomb once where they the guy run down he had a vest on pressed a button some things flew up they got confetti that flies through the air I mean they they do some wild shit it's a great goddamn show it's a good idea it's very funny but they're you know they've had people write articles about it, like negative articles about it because they'll say anything. Like all bets are off. It is the fucking nastiest show in Hollywood. But that's what you know going in.

It is fiction. Okay. And part of comedy sometimes is saying really low, fucked up, racist, homophobic, sexist shit. Including whites to blacks, blacks to whites, women to men. It's the most hurtful, cutting shit you can say. And everybody knows what you're doing. Everybody knows that's the jokes. That's how roasters set up. And they even had the

racist guy in a corner. Yes. They have a white table. What's his name? Earl. What's Earl's last name? Fucking hilarious. They're playing characters. They're playing racist characters. But people have complained about it and wrote blogs about it. We should find who

those fucking people are and ban them from every comedy club in the country. Just fuck you. How can you not get it? How can you not get it? Well, how can you pretend that what that is is, you know, that these are real statements or... Look it, the Comedy Central roasts,

some of the most vile things are said, but just because it's Comedy Central, they can get away, and I'm for it. Comedy Central roasts, take that, multiply it by five, and that's roast battle. Yeah. Like, literally. The next one's going to be amazing. Who is it?

Kimberly Condon versus PDC. Pete's going down. I don't know. Pete's in deep trouble. Kim's four and zero, and I think Pete might be one and five or something. Pete's a monster. One and five means he won one time and lost five times. Five and one, I mean.

Yes. That's a numbers game. People don't understand sports. Give it up, quotes. Wait, what? Put it all on the team. The two guys the other night, they both were, I think, 4-0. That's the first time I ever went to it.

One was Indian and one was some sloth. Sloth? I mean, just big. Big fat guy? But he was fun. They had some greatoth. Sloth? I mean, just big. Big fat guy? But he was fun. They had some great lines. Were you there? I watched it on Periscope. Yeah. They had some good fucking lines.

It's a joke writing thing. I mean, that's really what it is. It's a great show, though. It's perfect length. You go, it's like an hour long. It's amazing. It was a lot of fun hanging in there. The Comedy store is on fire right now last night okay last night there was two shows two sold-out shows in the fucking belly room we do this we just started doing this Nick

Youssef and I started doing this new material show when you go up there you have to do all your new shit like you can't do any established jokes if you've done a bit more than like I think we came up with a number like five to seven times it's like after that amount like it's over like you can't do it anymore it's not new you know and we we had all these comics go up did that that was sold out then there was a dollar show one dollar to get in and it was all like a doorman all the doorman put together that was sold out. D'Elia did that show. Then I go over to the main room, and Bill Burr, Magical, Burt Kreischer, I went up there. That was sold out, too.

That was last night? Yeah, that was packed. At the same time, the OR's got a show at the same fucking time. And that's packed. It was madness. That's how that place should have been for the last 20 years. I mean, you walked in last night, it was just magical was just magical why was it shit manager? Why is it they got rid of the shit manager and exploded it just flourished How does a manager can leave a death? Yeah death. He was just AIDS. He was Ebola. He was all the above

He was a shit sandwich served to you on a fucking and a dog dick platter. It was the worst Everybody avoided the guy. Kreischer was there last night for the first time in ten years. He goes, I'm never there because of that guy. The guy who used to be the manager. And now they've got Eric and they've got Adam from the Tempe Improv and it's fucking fantastic.

Next Wednesday I got Dane Cook on a show, which is crazy because Dane grew up with the Laugh Factory and never went to the comedy store. It's even more crazy that you got him on. There's a lot of crazy things in this world. Last night, he was on I went out at the Improv. That place was packed. Hopping. Comedy right now,

we were talking about this, that comedy is probably right now in the golden age. I think this is the golden age of stand-up comedy. You know, I mean, last night at the fucking store, that show they did in the main room between Magical and Kreischer and Bill Burr was hosting it. I mean last night at the fucking store that showed they did in the main room between Magical and Chrysler and Bill Burr was hosting it miss a monster fucking show And I'm thinking about this like look at how many great comics are are today. It's it's amazing It's such a great time to watch comedy. You know

Amazing time it is there's so many Good great comics in New York and LA are the two hubs. There's so many good, great comics. And it's New York and L.A. are like the two hubs. That's like the big epicenters. Yeah, I mean, you go in New York and there'll be a lineup and you're like, whoa, you know what I mean? Like you look at the stand. I looked at the stand lineup. It was DePaulo and Ari and a bunch of other fucking killers. It's like you're getting this like in these two places especially.

And other states can do it. Boston, of course, used to have it. Doesn't really have it anymore, but it could come back. Well, Boston used to be fucking... When they had all those... Rogerson and Tingle and fucking... Monsters. Gavin and Lenny and...

You know, what's his name? Kevin Knox. Oh, yeah. Monsters. Barry Crimmins. Fucking murder. Murder. Murder Row. Steve Sweeney. Monst. Oh, yeah. Monsters. It was just fucking murder. Murder Row. Steve Sweeney.

Monsters. Don Gavin. Monsters. I've never seen somebody kill like I've seen Gavin and Sweeney kill back then. Or Rogerson. People don't know. They weren't there back then. Those guys, man, they existed in a bubble.

And they never left. They never left town. And because they never left town, they fucked themselves. They never developed a draw on the road. They never left town. And because they never left town, they fucked themselves. They never developed a draw on the road. They never, you got to go to a place and you got to go to a place once and then you got to come,

the people go, oh, Rich Voss is back. And then again, and it takes fucking years to develop a crowd. Well, also too, those guys in Boston

made so much fucking money they didn't have to leave too. Also, they got paid in Coke. I was doing Coke back when I used to go up there. That was part of the problem. There was a lot of Coke up there. There was a lot of fucking Coke back there. It's hard to get paid in Coke

in Oregon. What am I doing here with this check? I did a fucking, I did a show at a one-nighter in Scranton. It was me and Sandler. He was middling and it was a one-nighter and the owner took us in the back and I guess he was gettingdling, and it was a one-nighter, and the owner took us in the back, and, you know, I guess he was getting 70, and then maybe I was getting 90 or 68, whatever.

Right. So the owner pulls out this fucking, I mean, and says, you guys want Coke and share your money? And Adam said, no. I said, fuck yeah. Right? I probably got two and a half grand. I got double the money The money and coke

Did you go sell the coke or just do it? Did I sell it? I had intentions to sell it I had intentions to sell it Yes Like all the other times I had Big bags of coke Did you ever cut coke?

Did you ever take coke and cut it with like Yeah I had Oh man this is it's time. Oh man. This is fatherly this story this dude came up from Florida friend of ours, and he brought three ounces. I'm talking fucking some of the best coke ever How big is an ounce of coke it's 28 grams no? How does it like a 16? an ounce of coke? It's 28 grams. No, it's 28. I guess it's like this. No, it's 28. 30? 16?

16 ounces a pound. How many ounces is 20? How many? 28 grams is an ounce. What's 21 grams? Is that movie where they say the soul weighs 21 grams? Okay. I might make a mistake on words. You don't know grams. I don't know.

Metric system? Millimeter? You can tell me. Centimeter? Okay, I might make a mistake on words. You don't know grams. I don't know. I don't know. Metric system? Millimeter? You can tell me. Centimeter? What is it? Okay. So, I mean, what does it look like?

I guess maybe this much. This, so it's like two of those, right? An eight ball's that much? Coke? No, I don't know. It's like a bag. What are you doing? In between your fingers? Yeah, like this right here.

Oh, okay. Oh, that much? Yeah. That's a lot. That seems like a lot. Yeah, it's like an eight ball, right? What are you talking about? 28? An eight ball. An ounce okay. Oh, that much? Yeah. That's a lot. That seems like a lot. Yeah, it's like an 8-ball, right? What are you talking about? An 8-ball.

An ounce or an 8-ball? 8-ball. What's an 8-ball? It's 3 1⁄2 grams. Oh, wait. 3 1⁄2 grams. What are you showing us, Jamie? An ounce of Coke.

Which one's an ounce? I need a point of reference. No, that's not. That's a quarter. What is that thing on the scale? What does it say on the scale? That's not an ounce. The far right?

Far right? What does that say on the scale? What does that say on the scale? That's not an ounce. The far right? Far right? What does that say? Two ounces. Two ounces. Oh, okay. So anyhow. Oh, there we go. So you asked if I could cook.

Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot. That's amazing. Oh, God. So you had two ounces of Coke. No, my friend came up with three ounces to sell. Three ounces of, two or three ounces. I mean, fucking as good as you can get.

Okay. And my mother was gone for a mean, fucking as good as you can get. Okay. And my mother was gone for a week, and somehow we were in my building, and people are, we're selling Coke like it's crazy, right? And I'm smoking it, you know, just fucking freebasing and cooking. He fell asleep. He fell asleep. And I can tell you a couple stories. I'll tell you two other ones that are funny.

He fell asleep, and I took his fucking Coke. stories. I'll tell you two other ones that are funny. He fell asleep and I took his fucking coke. How the hell are you doing it? I pulled it out from under where he had and I took you know three and a half, an eighth out and I put an eighth of lactose in which you can't even tell the difference. This coke was so

strong and you know I took like three and a half grams of his but here's the fun two funny stories one time this my friend said uh get me an eighth of coke three and a half grams and stick it under my door and you could have a half a gram whatever so i i left three grams under his door well i did it i went back smoked my half a gram i said a gram. I went back to his place, and I took a hanger, and I pulled it back out. I made about five trips there. Oh, my God.

So at the end, it was just lactose. Okay, so now here's another story. This fucking guy, John, I was on the road doing comedy. He hasn't seen me. He goes, look, man, I haven't seen you in a while. I'm going to buy an eighth of Coke. Okay, so that's three and a half grams. It cost him $250, right?

He goes, we're going to do a gram, which leaves two and a half grams left. That he'll sell for $100, $150. But he actually cut it in five half grams that he'll sell five half grams to get his $250 back. And we have a gram that we'll smoke together. He goes, I haven't seen you. I'll smoke. So we smoked a gram.

There's two and a half grams left that he's going to sell to get his money back. He falls asleep. Okay? I don't know how I found out where he hid it. So I would go where he hid it so i would okay i would go in his fuck where he hit and take a half a gram out then i would drive to the store and buy uh uh pneumonia ammonia ammonia i don't know what is it ammonia or pneumonia i don't want to fuck this up ammonia yeah and it had to be clear, and I would cook it.

There's a way to cook it. So I go there, I buy a bottle, come back, cook a half a gram, smoke it, pour out all the ammonia. Right? I'm going to fucking... I want to ask that. What do you do with the ammonia? You can make crack. You can make free base with ammonia.

Right. So I fucking... I took... Jesus. The first half a gram, right? You're in the I took the first half a gram right? I went to the store, bought the ammonia cooked the half a gram

poured the ammonia out so I wouldn't steal anymore and fucking smoked it. I can't stop. Okay? Fucking I made five trips to the convenience store buying ammonia and I'm backups. I made five trips to the convenience store buying ammonia. I'm so fucking whacked out and fucked up.

The guy's going, why does this guy keep coming in every hour? I go, look, I got a cleaning business. I just use a lot of ammonia. All of a sudden, he wakes up and I hear, now I'm no coke left. I'm drinking pure straight vodka to try it. All I hear is a sudden, he wakes up, and I hear, now I'm, no Coke left. I'm drinking pure, straight vodka to try it. And all I hear is a big, fuck, him yelling upstairs. Where's my, he came down, where's my Coke? I go, look, don't worry, I sold it for you while you were sleeping on credit to this guy.

I stole, I paid him back, but I just stole it. I was a scumbag. I was a drug addict. That's a lot of cocaine you you were doing the vodka to calm your body down because you're all whacked out I was so fine I had a kiss and then and there was nothing worse than when son up son up I'm walking home all fucking coming down knowing I have no money nothing it was the worst fucking, it was the worst life on the planet. It was such a bad life, you know.

And then the running would, you know, into New York. What does it feel like that you have to drink vodka? Like, what is like, you're trying to calm your body down. You're just going to explode. It's like you're trying to calm your body down. You're just going to explode. It's like being really high on caffeine, and then alcohol kind of takes you down a few notches. It slows you down.

It counteracts it. Yeah, it's just, I don't know. You never snorted Coke? You never did Coke in your life? No. Get out of here. Really? No, never did it. Oh, wow.

Have you done Coke? Oh, of course. I saw way too many people when I was young just lose their shit. Did you ever smoke it? So you know how fucking to rush. And the problem is, and I'm not glorifying it. Smoking it gives you more of a rush?

Are you kidding me? I did not like smoking it. That's where you just like heart pounding. It's a rush that you'll never, ever. The first one, you won't repeat it until maybe a day later. So you keep trying to chase that fucking, that first hit. My friend Johnny, this is back when I lived in New York, it was the real Times Square. Like Times Square was a real thing.

Like you'd go to Times Square, there was peep booths, it was dirty, it was a dangerous spot. He would go, he would smoke crack and he'd go to Times Square and he'd Square there's peep booths it was dirty it was a dangerous spot he would go he would smoke crack and he'd go to Times Square and you go to those peep booths and he would he would beat off in these peep booths like forever and he goes you didn't even come he just just kept playing with yourself he just kept watching porn and watching girls like finger themselves in front of you and I go what they look like you saw they were fucking disgusting it didn't matter it was just that it was deviant you were just doing it's like for whatever reason the smoke and crack made him Just want to do dirty shit. Just do just be a dirty naughty person

You know I was smoking so much one night my dick shriveled up so much I couldn't and I look at my pants. I was so fucked. I could I thought it went into my body I thought I lost it completely like it just sucked into my body and i'm going dick shrinks when you do coke yeah when you do coke yeah and it's wrong i go like like i was so up i go is it oh i'll deal with it later i'm gonna get high right i thought my dick was him me we used to go to this people it was funny one night god i think we've told this story on ONA But like in Philly there was

These fucking peep booths On the way home from Philly And you'd go in And you would Pay a girl to watch you jerk off Right And she would like just run for you or something No couldn't touch you

But she'd watch Maybe go ah ooh you know Right. And she would like just walk for you or something? No, couldn't touch you, but she watched. Maybe go, oh, ooh, you know. You know, but you got to do it in front of somebody. So it was fucking great. What a deal. Why do you want that? Don't look at it. Get out of here.

Are you kidding me? It's so exciting. So one time, I mean, Norton and all of us used to go But one time it was me, Levy And Florentine So Florentine's in the booth Bob Levy, Jim Florentine Bob Florentine's in the booth first

In one of the booths And all of a sudden I swear to god you hear over the loudspeaker Mop to booth four Right, to fucking clean up his jizz And then And then And you find outaker, mop to booth four, right? To fucking clean up his jizz. And then... And you find out your buddy's in booth four, and you hear that, and you're like, oh, no. So then fucking Levy,

now, there's curtains on the door, you know, there's a shade, but there's just much space. So, Levy's in the room, and we can see the shadow of a fucking hand flying back and forth, right? we can see the shadow of a fucking hand flying back and forth, right? We can see the shadow of his hand jerking himself off on the fucking floor under the chain.

And this hand was moving fucking fast. I've never seen somebody jerk off that fucking fast. How many times have you seen guys jerk off? Do you have like a whole thing? No, no. In my database of men jerking off. It's mostly slow. Over a lifetime of observing. How many times have you seen guys jerk off? Do you have a whole thing? In my database of men jerking off. It's mostly slow. Over a lifetime of observing.

Well, you know, as a judge. I'm a studier. And then one time we went in there, me and Norton, and I got kicked out because I was trying to negotiate with a girl. I go, look, what the fuck? I take $15. What the fuck? You don't have to do nothing but sit and watch. What were they supposed to take?

Like $25. And that was a lot of money back then after these one-nighters. I go, take $15. And I got kicked out of the people. For negotiating. Well, sometimes I got them down. But I got kicked out. And fucking Norton walks out the car and goes,

how could you possibly get kicked out of a peep booth? How could you get kicked out of a peep booth? How can you get kicked out of a, how fucked up is your life that you got kicked out of a peep booth? And this is, Norton was totally sober back then. We all were. Well, Norton was, he only did drugs until he was like 18 or something like that. Yeah. He got sober like really young. Yeah.

It's kind of crazy. Think about it. Like you realize at 18, like I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. He was fucked up. Did you ever hear the Central Park story with me and Norton?

No. Oh, this is a classic. Do we have to decide? Here we go. Let me tell you this story. Let me crack my fingers. Okay. We're coming out of somewhere,

maybe a 12-step meeting or whatever, you know, and there's this hot, hot black chick walks by and recognizes me. And I wasn't even, maybe from a club. I didn't, maybe I did one TV show or two in my life. So I said to her, do you want to go out for bagels? We're going for bagels.

She said, okay. So we went and had bagels. Then we said, hey, we're going to go uptown to the peep booths on like 54th or whatever. Classy Broad. I'm not trying to judge. Was she a prostitute? I'm not fucking judging people. We're not here to judge.

But I mean, did you know she was a prostitute? No, she wasn't a prostitute. But you invited her to a peep booth. Yeah, she already likes us. We're going, okay. She already got a fucking free bagel. Okay, so you're not thinking this is going to be your girlfriend someday? No, no.

But you got to show it. It's hilarious. So we go, hey, we were planning on it. I mean, we're going up there anyhow. So we go up to, you know, the quarter moot, the people. And she comes into a booth with me. But we get kicked out. The fucking Indian fucking, get out.

You know, no couple. No couples. No couples in the booth. In those quarter booths. You can't bring somebody in. So now, this is no fucking lie. I'm not lying. We're standing right across from the Ed Sullivan Theater.

Right? And there's like a newspaper kiosk, and we're leaning on a car, and I'm making out with her. And I'm fingering her on Broadway. So she fucking, and Norton's just grabbing her ass like a little fucking, like it's a toy. He's playing with her. Right? So, I think, and she comes. Right? She has an orgasm, standing on Broadway from evening.

So, then we get in the car. We go, hey. Allegedly has an orgasm. Who does? Allegedly. No, she had an orgasm. You could tell. You could feel it.

Huh? Well, she didn't piss on my finger. But you could tell when a girl is hazardous. She wasn't faking it. She wasn't in a rush Okay, so it was a way you know I'm not saying it was the best one. I just been tired of you finger. No, I know my stubby little fingers Know what they're doing okay, but you're being Nikki negative. This is

Trying to get a real clear picture of what actually happened Okay, could it be any clear? Your finger that must have looked like a sight also, by the way. Just like you with your back and her in the middle and Norton grabbing the butt. Norton will confirm all of it. Okay. So then we go, let's take a ride up to Central Park.

We're walking through Central Park and then she's blowing me, right? She's blowing me and, you know, then I look down and I see Norton eating her me, right? She's blowing me. And then I look down, and I see Norton eating her ass, right? But it's like a little kid in candy, right? And I'm trying not to crack up because I'm getting fucking blown. You don't want to fucking laugh as you're getting blown.

But this has got to feel good for her. She's getting her ass eaten, and now I'm getting blown. Mm hmm. So I shoot a load. We get back in the car and we're driving and I go to Norton. You have a good time. He goes, well, I was a little uncomfortable. I got my my my pants dirty. I go, you'll fucking eat out a strange girl's ass, but you're worried about getting your fucking pants dirty. What, are you going to get home and your mom's going to say, look at these grass stains? Were you eating out ass again, Norton? Like, he was upset that he got grass stains on his pants as he was eating this fucking strange girl's ass. That's so hilarious.

That so sounds like Norton, too. That's so ridiculous. I mean, I was obviously single and young. We did some fucked, you know. I was dating this girl that was so fucking hot. And we were in the car and she was blowing me. And Norton was walking by. I go, hey, you want to watch?

And he goes, yeah. He comes in and he's in the back of the car. He's just fucking, you know. We picked up this fucking. He's just jerking off yeah she's blowing you yeah but i come so quick he goes man home off uh so she's crazy one time we pick up this hottie i pick up it's always me picking i picked up this girl in front of the comedy so i'm so we're going back to norton's house

and she's blowing me and whatever and Norton's jerking off and next thing you know I see a load fly and hit Norton in the fucking head from like he fucking as he's blowing me he jerked and a fucking I don't know why I got so dirty yeah he hit himself in the head and I was so fucking impressed that it flew that high and hit himself. It was fucking very impressive. He's a creep. He's a creep? I know. What about you? I'm just getting blown. I didn't do anything

deviant. I didn't do anything wrong. He's so honest about his perversions. It's hilarious. Has there ever been a guy on the radio that's as honest about his perversions. It's hilarious. Has there ever been a guy on the radio that's as honest about his perversions as Norton? I don't even think there's a close second. No. No one.

Like a regular radio guy that's as honest about being a pervert and trannies and all the crazy shit that Norton does. I mean, that's very unique. That's, you know, yeah. unique. That's, you know, yeah, but I think Opie and Anthony, when they were together, brought, really were good at getting the truth out of all of us, from Colin to fucking Bobby. I mean, we've spilled our guts in there. Patrice. Patrice.

I mean, really have told stories that, you know, I mean, that are like really fucking deep about our parents and upbringing, you know, and that's what, you know, I mean, that are, like, really fucking deep about our parents and upbringing. You know, and that's what, you know, people think they know. That's why I hate fucking some of these guys on Twitter. They think they're, just because we, you're not my friend. Don't ever, you know, so you can't say the things Norton and Bobby and, you know, Patrice and whatever, and Colin can say to me. That's why they think. But, because they got so, they know so much about our lives.

Right, right. And Norton brings it to a whole otherher level like you say like you know what i mean like uh you know i don't you know what i mean you get uncomfortable even thinking about it because it's you know look at every you know every, there's nobody like Norton. Norton is a completely unique individual and always has been, you know, always has been. He's just, he's found his voice more as a comic, you know, now than ever before. But he's always been this like really unique guy. Well, I can tell you what he does. I don't watch a lot of comics stand up. I just don't watch a lot.

Once in a blue moon, I'll see a little of this, a little of that. But on radio, there is no one quicker at comebacks than Norton. No. No, hands down. He's my favorite all-time radio personality. He is. No, he's in, I know him as a, I'm just saying he's quick as fuck on the radio. He's in his class by himself.

He really is. But that also, too, when you're going in there, you know, if Colin's in and Bobby and me and when Patrice was there, you're walking into the lion's den. Yeah. You've got to be, you know, boom. There's no fucking, I mean, we will. You've got to be ready to go. Just tear, fucking Patrice laid into, he laid into me. First, he attacked my, I had a Rolex.

Somehow he attacked me having a Rolex, okay? Because it wasn't a Breitling, it was a Rolex. Where I bought it from, did I get a deal? A Breitling is better than a Rolex? To him it was. He's, you know, black guys don't, you know, they like those big fucking, you know. Then he attacked me. He attacked me.

You know what I'm saying, from asses to watches. So then he attacked me. I was driving at the time a Porsche Boxster, right? And he had, I think, an Escalade or whatever. And he was calling me selfish. He said, I'm driving this little car. And he's, I think, an Escalade or whatever. And he was calling me selfish. He said, I'm driving this little car. And he's killing me. And I'm driving home from O&A.

And I'm going, wait, you fucking fat fuck. You're driving an Escalade that's fucking, you know, using all this gas. All this, you know. You know, using all this gas, all this, you know, you're the selfish one because you could not stop eating fucking fruitcakes. And then he's saying how crappy my car is. Two days later, I'm online looking at the price of a Boxster new against his car new and all the stats. And I fucking email it to him. Because he calls me cracking up. He goes, you're still thinking about this?

He goes, you're still thinking about this? I walked out of the studio and forgot. It was radio. But it was... He fucked with you, right? He fucking ripped me down so hard. And I couldn't... He was overpowered. Patrice was an overpowering guy.

Even if you were right, you couldn't... He was just so verbally overpowering. You know how big he would be today? As a comic? He's hands down would be... He'd be right up there with anybody.

Any of the biggest comics in the world today. As talent-wise. He did sabotage a lot because... I'm wrong. He knew what he wanted. He turned down a lot. He didn't sabotage it. What kind of stuff did he turn down?

Spike Lee liked him, but I guess the money wasn't right, what he was offered. For what? For a movie? Whatever. To do whatever would spike. When Puffy had that show on HBO, whatever.

It wasn't Dev Jam. It was another black comic thing. They asked him to host it. He didn't like the deal. He turned it down. When he had VH1, I think he wanted his own billboard in Times Square. You turned it down. When he had VH1, I think he wanted his own billboard in Times Square. You know, whatever.

He deserved it, though. He deserved it. And they said no. But whatever. He was offered... But he knew what he wanted. He was offered many roasts before he did that Charlie Sheen one. And he was right. He was going, why am I going to do a fucking roast

with these comics that aren't in my league and are not my friends? Yeah, well, he mocked them while he was up there. He was the best at that roast. Yeah, he's like, who are they going to... Was it Charlie Sheen? Was that the roast he was on? Yeah, and Jess on that consumer were on it.

Damn, he murdered it on that roast. And he, let me tell you, he went last. And a lot of that was just, that was Adlib. Because I went over a lot of his stuff before we talked. You know what I mean? So I go, and stuff was, and then he started getting mad because they're talking about his diabetes. And he's like, who the fuck are they to talk about me like this? Right.

You know, and that was his whole mindset before even going into the roast. So they multiplied it by saying shit about him. Right, right, right. Because was his whole mindset before even going into the roast. So they multiplied it by saying shit about him. Right, right, right. Because he goes, they're not my fucking friends. You know what I mean? Yeah. And he clearly stole that roast. Yeah. Clearly, hands down, would have

fucking, from there, there would have been no stopping Patrice. None. Yeah. So sad. You know, it's so fucked up that some of the funniest guys have all these self-sabotaging traits like bad diet and drugs. Yeah. Not taking care of themselves. So, so, so, so fucking sad.

But he was a big, I don't, he wasn't a drug addict. He didn't drink. He didn't do drugs. He didn't take care of his body. Didn't take care of his diet. I mean, he had fucking diabetes. He didn't take care of his body. Didn't take care of his diet. I mean, he had fucking diabetes. He didn't take care of it. He died from something that other people haven't died from.

I mean, if he just lost weight and ate healthy and started eating vegetables, he could have lowered his blood sugar. He could have dealt with it in a healthy way. But what makes a guy that fucking funny is kind of the same shit that I don't give a fuck attitude. You can't have that I don't give a fuck attitude. You can't have that I don't give a fuck attitude and be drinking green tea instead of eating cheeseburgers.

It comes with the thing. It's a lifestyle. See, there's comics that do comedy from their head. And there's funny guys. He came from to me,

the best comics on the planet are comics that talk from their heart, that talk from within them. You know what I mean? They're not, they didn't figure it out. They lived it or they experienced it. You know what I'm saying? You feel.

So Patrice wasn't, he was brilliant. He had to think of it, but it really came from here. This was how he was in real life. He didn't go on stage and, hey, let me do my fucking act. Right. And a good comic, you take like Louie and Stanhope and Voss, you take guys like that. Rich Voss?

Yeah, he's at Ventura Comedy Club, Friday through Sunday. This weekend? Friday through Sunday. California, Ventura, California. Yeah, Ventura Harbor. Holy shit. But you see what I'm saying? You take these guys.

Like Stan Hope, I think is fucking a genius. Yeah, me too. I think he's just at a whole nother level. I read some of his blogs and just the guy. He's awesome. His fucking mind is at a whole nother level. Well, he's really living it. You know what I mean?

Like Stan Hope lives in Bisbee, Arizona in the middle of fucking nowhere in a multicolored like bright orange house or bright yellow house. He has Super Bowl parties. He invites the world, literally gives out his address on my podcast and says, come to my Super Bowl party. So he has hundreds of people. He has no idea who they are. Fly in to Tucson.

Then drive to Bisbee. And show up at his fucking house. And he lets them inside where he sleeps and eats. They're all wandering around his house. Drinking and smoking. And he doesn't give a fuck. There's a lot of guys pretending to not give a fuck. Stan Hope is that guy.

Wearing those ironic suits. And he's like, I guys pretending to not give a fuck. Yeah. Stanhope is that guy, you know, wearing those ironic suits. Oh. And he's like, I kind of have to stop wearing these because other people, like, think I'm serious. You know, like, people like, and now, like, wearing ironic clothes has become, like, ironic suits has become, like, a thing that people, like, it's almost like a hipster thing. Yeah. I watched him at a show I think he was doing with Norton and Artie Lang and a tell that Atlantic City We went down to hang out. I know it could have been a bright yellow fucking blazer Yeah, you know, I mean you would think he was gonna introduce acrobats We did the end of the world show the December 21st 2012 show at the Walton who's a honey honey

Joe Diaz Stan Hope Hope, and me. And Stan Hope wore this ridiculous suit. It was just ridiculous. It was half of what made it awesome was him in this fucking stupid suit. Look at his house. You got a photo of his house? Look at his house. I mean, if anybody wants to

visit Doug Stan Hope, you can't miss it. Just drive through Bisbee. You'll find it in five seconds. You go, oh, there he is. Also, what I love about him, he calls his own shots in this business. Oh, yeah. He was one of the first guys to do these

promotions where he was like, I'm tired of working at these comedy clubs. They're giving me shit money and I know how much I'm bringing in. That's his house. That's fucking... That's what you would see on the internet that somebody made from an ex-cargo...

He's got pebbles instead of a lawn. This is just a bunch of people probably... That's probably a party that he... That's a fucking great house though. Yeah, it's cool. Probably a Super Bowl party.

Yeah. But, I mean, he has these Super Bowl parties. And I don't know if all of them are photos. There's other photos where there's even more pictures. That looks like a next-door bin, like one of those things you would see. Is that his podcast down there? What is that? Scroll down a little.

Because he has a podcast now. Is that the studio? Yes. Click on it. Let me see that. Which one? The one with the podcast. Of this?

Yeah. Oh, look at that. B bingo who's that with him that's his girl no the other guy Quinn from impractical jokers so that's his he's got his own podcast studio now good for him and that's all in his wacky house I fucking is a maniac I fucking love the fact that he just like yeah goes into rock, does what he wants to do. I love fucking comedy. He'll do comedy clubs now because he's undeniable. Now they have to give him the door

or whatever the fuck the deal is. But he doesn't usually do weekends. He'll do a Tuesday, Wednesday in a comedy club. But if he wants to do a weekend, he'll do a weekend. But it's one of those things where they were trying to tell him what he was worth and he was like, why am I giving you guys anything when I can just sell out a rock club? The problem with those rock clubs

is we saw him once in L.A. We went to see him in L.A. You have to stand up. It was a concrete floor. You're standing. And after like a half hour, I was like, this is the last. I'm never going to do a standing. Because I had done a few standing shows. I'm like, I'm never doing one of these ever again. Well, we saw him in Philly. We went down

to watch him in Philly do one of those things. And it's kind of uncomfortable standing. Standing's bullshit. Standing's bullshit. I mean, his stuff... You gotta talk into the microphone.

That's why you should wear headphones. Okay, I missed the microphone for one second. You know, look it, everybody's not perfect. But I do know how many grams in a fucking ounce.

What I'm saying, okay? Is it 20 or something? The fucking smartest guy. Ventura? Where is it? Ventura. But his act, what I've seen of him, he doesn't have to... Like, some comics really

have to connect with... He's so smart and brilliant. He could do his act laying down on a couch with his head Do you know what I did get what I'm saying? Like he's so smart. I think he's so smart as A person that you could listen to him and you don't have to see him to get what he's saying You know your comedy album. Yeah, no, no, but in a rut I'm saying you're saying a Comedy club where people are sitting down So focused, you know when I do stand up a lot of times I'll sit and I'll need their attention

Right on the you know focused right but someone I may I can't I he is just so smart That all you could close your eyes and listen to what he's saying going this is some brilliant shit that doesn't make sense i mean i think he's brilliant i don't know what you're saying though you're not really doing a good job talking because you're saying you get you the standing this the standing up he would do better sitting down no that's not what i said at all i meant when you're in the audience, it's uncomfortable to stand for a long period of time. And I'll never do a standing show where the audience has to stand because they're not comfortable. They don't enjoy it the way you enjoy it if you could sit down and relax.

But you're saying if it's not comfortable, then you're not taking in everything that's being said because you're not comfortable. Yeah, I mean It's not as good as an experience because discomfort is a part of the experience instead of just being less if you're sitting down watching a show you can just concentrate on the show but 45 an hour and a half into a show and you're standing for that whole time your feet start to hurt Yeah, but you're dancing around and stuff like my legs were locking to the point where I felt like I was almost about to fall over. Yeah. I don't know. Because we could not move.

Okay, my point was the fucking guy is brilliant. Oh, he's definitely brilliant. I don't even think he does standing shows anymore. I don't think he does. He might, but most people have abandoned them. All it takes is being an audience member once, and you go, oh, well, fuck this. You know, that's why I stopped doing the House of Blues in Vegas. They used to have that fucking standing part on the side. it's the worst they have the seated part which is awesome

and then they have the top seating awesome then they'd have the bar area was filled with people just standing and it was fucking terrible it was terrible it's like they would talk like you would literally you would have like i would like be trying to do stand-up at a nightclub Like when there's a full-on like bar scene happening and you know attention everyone just like you're you know Like interrupting conversations instead of if you go to a comedy club everybody seated the show starts and that they're there to see a comedy Club, there's too much too much room for variables some comedy clubs are like I've done some rooms like in Casinos whatever where the seats are too comfortable and now they're too fucking relaxed for variables. Some comedy clubs are like, I've done some rooms like in casinos, whatever, where the seats are too comfortable and now they're too fucking relaxed

and, you know, those cushion seats and they're laying back and they're not real. Yeah, couches are not good for comedy. No. You can't be too comfortable. The Ha Ha has couches in the front and it's like, this is a little too goddamn casual. What the fuck is that in LA? In LA here? It's a North Hollywood smaller club.

So you can't be too comfortable. You can't be too uncomfortable. Yeah. Like, I went to Sturgill Simpson did Conan the other day and I went to watch and it's fucking holy shit in there. They've got that thing going on like Letterman likes to do. Like we used to crank down the temperature like way down, like in the 60s. Isn't that for the lighting? That light bulbs and stuff?

A little bit, but I think the idea behind Letterman was that when you are cold, you have a little bit more energy. You're more likely to laugh than if it's really hot. If it's really hot in the room, people don't laugh as much. Kind of makes sense. Oh, fuck. I'm going to pass out dry ice this weekend. At the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club in Ventura, California? Friday through Sunday.

Are you there on Sunday, too? Yeah. Wow. You say that like you're not happy about that. Well, I am happy, but here's the problem. Sunday day, I was invited to play golf at Bel Air Country Club. Okay. So I'm going to drive from Ventura to Bel Air.

That's like two hours. How come some people tell me 40 minutes, some people 45? That's not 40 minutes. They're lying to you. An hour? It can't be two hours from Ventura to what? I bet if you look it up on MapQuest. No, no, no.

With traffic? There's no traffic on Sunday morning MapQuest. No, no, no. With traffic. There's no traffic on Sunday morning at 7 a.m.? You're adorable. You're adorable. You don't know Los Angeles, do you? 7 a.m. there's traffic on Sunday morning. Easily. If you go to Orange County, you might be stopped dead. You might be stopped dead on a highway at 7 a.m.

On the 5, take the 5 Sunday morning. Might be stopped dead. Okay. I'm not lying. This is an overpopulated place. Go outside. Look how beautiful it is. It's like that in February. Yeah. It's perfect.

Perfect weather. But look at the distance. A lot of people find out about it. They move here. They have cars. They drive. They go, you know what? I'm just going to get up seven o'clock in the morning. Who's going to be up on Sunday morning? Oh, there's only 90 fucking million people live here. Jesus Christ, you really know how to depress a person. I was looking

forward to my day at Bel Air. Well, you can do it. You just got to leave early. Well, I got to be there by like 9, so I'll leave at 7. Yeah, you'll be fine. Yeah, right now it's an hour and 40 minutes. An hour and 40 minutes? From Bel Air to

Ventura, California. It's an hour and two minutes without traffic, which is adorable. Why don't they just say, if you fly. Oh, fuck. So how is that Ventura Harbor? Have you done that before? I've never done it. I heard good things. Yeah, it's a good thing.

But I've never been there. Have you ever been there? No, but some guy contacted me from there, I think. But I mean, how come a guy, like, especially you, where you're doing weekend rooms going to San Diego, this and that place. No, I do the Stanhope Tuesday-Wednesday

stuff. You do what? You do weekends, too. Yeah, but some weekends. But yeah, mostly Tuesday-Wednesdays. Oh, okay. I love Santa Barbara. Oh, I love it up there. It's a little bit further north. That's where my favorite spots. That's where I got my old man.

When I become like Dennis Miller, becomes an old conservative man with a radio show. Is that where he's at, at Santa Barbara? Yeah, he lives up there with all the white people. It's all white people. They just rally on against Mexicans. Get angry about black people up there. Why? You could do that anywhere. Yeah, but you can't do it.

I mean, you can't do it exclusively. You're preaching to the choir, everyone around you. This is like zero diversity. Do you know San Jose is the number one less amount of black people in the United States of America? San Jose? And number two is San Francisco. San Francisco is the least amount of black people in the United States of America. San Jose? And number two is San Francisco. San Francisco is the least amount of black people in the United

States? That doesn't make sense. Well, what is Oakland, number one? Oh, yeah. It's all black people. They all moved to Oakland. They can't afford San Francisco. Actually, I heard Oakland is now, like, it's totally different now. See, I've always thought San Francisco is really diversified. Yeah, with Asians.

Well, their mindset is diversified. Well, San Francisco is really diversified. Yeah, with Asians. Well, their mindset is diversified. Well, San Francisco, the real estate is so fucking ridiculous now. The tech boom has fucked that place up so bad. The prices are just, they don't make any sense. Like, you would be an asshole to buy a house in San Francisco now. Unless you've got, like, Elon Musk money and you don't give a fuck. You'll spend three million. I saw a house for three million dollars.

My jaw dropped. I was like, this doesn't make any sense. This is a $400,000 house. How is this three million dollars? It's a little shithole, right? It was a house. It was a nice house, but it wasn't three million dollars. I mean, it didn't make any sense.

Well, I look at these people in New York that fucking get these apartments crazy that are as big as this table They're fucking crazy. I go are you all you have to do is move 20 minutes in into Jersey Yeah, and you could buy a fucking house You know I looked at the house apartments in New York for a bit There was a time where I was thinking about moving to New York just like to mix things up, you know Yeah, but it just didn't make any sense and you know you know the one thing that gets me about new york is uh the sets that you do around town they're real short you know everyone's doing like 15 minutes 10 minutes i'm like that is not enough that's not enough time to really get busy yeah but

when you're you can you can you'd be able to do more time in places You know when rock walks in he's not he's doing what he wants to do when you know certain comics walk in, you know Louie or whatever. I'm sure you could do a half an hour They wouldn't have a problem like to walk in do that. I want to schedule that you know I mean, yeah, one of the reasons why I like doing the belly room We do those weekends of the belly room. I could do 45 minutes in town on a Friday, Saturday night. You know, like that, like if you're going to really hone your act, I'm not working on one bit. You know, I'm working on six, seven bits and trying to put together like a real hour for my next special. And if I'm doing a 10 or a 15 minute set there's not enough time

for that and I don't want to do that whole trek around doing seven eight sets a night I just think that I wouldn't do that ever I do maybe never to it one or two I never did I mean I did years ago in New York but I work out my material on the road you know cuz uh that's what I work it out in the comedy clubs because I'm gonna have enough good stuff around it if it doesn't work, then the next one's going to. Well, when I lived in New York, when we were doing stand-up together, I hardly ever did the city because I could do Connecticut or I could do Long Island or I could do Jersey and I'd make $150. Yeah. You know, I can make like real money and get paid versus if I was in town, you know, you get $25 here, $10 there.

It's like, what? I'm not doing 10 sets a night to make $100. It just seems so stupid. Comics that can't get road work are in the city bouncing from club to club. You know, there's guys that do seven sets a night. You know what? Get a job on fucking Wall Street

because there's no way this old cocksucker is running around town. But luckily, I can work on the road. And like you said, you can work in dc baltimore these are all driving distance where you could drive home yeah saturday night right you know i drive home philadelphia but even boston you know it's it's three and a half four hours whatever so you could do you could make a great living there's so much around there yeah you know that's when I asked him,

like if, you know, you talked about San Diego, well, how are you not working at this other place? If it's only an hour and a half away on a weekend, there was one place I used to work rooster tea feathers or something, or where's that?

I heard about that. Where the fuck is it? Do you know? That's still around. Yeah, I think so. I think so. But it's silicone valley

where's so yeah yeah yeah it's it's the san francisco area yeah is it up yeah it's up yeah yeah oh that's not driving distance from here then you could drive but it's going to be six plus hours okay that's too far but depending on traffic there's unlike la new york or jersey where i live you could work fucking almost all year round and make a good living in weekend comedy. Are you doing weekday gigs anywhere? No, once in a while I'll get a private or a fundraiser. Like Tuesday night we'll do our radio show on Sirius. Then we'll do a spot in the city here and there.

Because you do on Tuesday. Sirius is in the city? Yeah, in the the city here and there. Because you do on Tuesday. Sirius is in the city? Yeah, in the city. In Opie, we do Opie Studio. Me and Bonnie do our radio show from 7 to 9. My wife hates me at a radio show. And so then I'll do a spot after it. Maybe at the Cellar to hang out

or whatever. And then Wednesday I probably will stay home because I'm going to leave Thursday, Friday, Saturday, whatever. You know, and then Wednesday I probably will stay home because I'm going to leave Thursday, Friday, whatever. You know, so I try to be home Wednesday, Sunday, Monday, Wednesday as much as I can

if I got, you know what I mean, to be with my kid and then I'll leave Sunday. You know, once in a blue moon on Wednesday night, we'll go over to the Stress Factory on open mic night and do some time because it's 20 minutes from our house. So we go, well, we want to work out something. Why go into the city? We just go to the open mic night at the Stress Factory.

How's the crowd at the Stress Factory on those nights? Some nights it's crowded. You know, some nights it's tons of comics. But, you know but it's okay. It's 20, we go there, we take our kid on a Wednesday. Not a lot of clubs in New Jersey, huh? Other than a stress factory, that's all you really hear about. Bananas.

Bananas. Bananas in whatever, Fort up there. What is that, Point Pleasant or something? No, Bananas is in Saddlebrook or something. There's a Bananas in Poughkeepsie, right, isn't there? Yeah, but that's closed. That's closed. It's a Bananas in Poughkeepsie, right? Isn't there? Yeah. But that's closed. That's closed.

It's closed? Yeah. Where was that sushi place we did? Was that Jersey? I remember it was like an old Chinese restaurant for some reason, and it had a weird stage. The stage looked like a town or something. And it was like a restaurant, but they did comedy. Well, Uncle Vinny's does comedy.

When was this? Five years ago. It was me, you, Joey Diaz's does comedy. When was this? Five years ago. It was me, you, Joey Diaz, I think. What was it? Jesus. They had sushi there? It was like a sushi restaurant. And it was in New Jersey?

It was either New Jersey or upstate New York. No, no. You don't remember? It was a restaurant, and the stage looked like a fake town. It was a fake house. And you came out, and it looked like you were on the front porch of a house or something. Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong. That was Western Massachusetts.

That's a Chinese restaurant. That's the Kuhuki Lao. That's for the Comedy Connection. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, you would do Friday night in the city, and then you would do Friday night in Boston, and then you'd do Saturday night out at the Kooky Lau, or Sunday at the Hooky Lau. That was death.

I do a new, well, Jersey has, there's a place, Uncle Vinny's. Chickapee, that's what it was. Uncle Vinny's, but there's no liquor license. It's bring your own beer or whatever. You know, they can't afford a liquor license. But he gets big acts there. But you can bring your own booze? I guess, yeah.

They show up with a bottle of wine? Yeah, whatever, wine. Jack. Yeah. And he does all, I mean, Distress Factory obviously is the big club in Jersey. Right. Bananas brings in big acts.

You know, they'll open the door. I'm doing one in Boston. It's a great new club in Boston. Laugh Boston? Laugh Boston. I've done that. I fucking love it. It's's great The fucking hotel is beautiful You stay right there Right there

Just come on down Come down Boom The people that own it are great They're great I did it recently It's a great gig What a fucking great gig

Yeah I usually do the Wilbur But it was Somebody already had it It was a last minute thing Because there was a UFC in Boston And I wasn't supposed to work it Because it was a Fox Sports 1 gig.

I usually do either the pay-per-views or the Fox gigs, the big Fox gigs. But for whatever reason, I wanted to do it, or they wanted me to do it. I forget how it worked. And I had to do the Laugh Boss, and I had a great fucking time. Yeah, that's their new club, right? Yeah, it's really good. And they'll buy you the restaurants surrounding the club. Boston used to have so many good clubs.

It's so sad to go back and see. But there's a little bit of a scene there now. A little bit of young comics coming up that are trying real hard, that are trying to put together a scene. But it takes decades to put together a scene like they used to have there. It's amazing that it deteriorated the way it did. And a big part of the reason why it deteriorated is guys stopped writing. They stopped writing.

Those guys were doing the same act for fucking decades. Well, no, I bet it was the clubs that didn't last. I mean, Knicks. Why do you think they didn't last? I mean, there's a part of that was that guys stopped writing. It was a real problem. I guess, yeah, because they were using the same guys. Same guys, same act.

Same act. And it's still fun to watch. But if you knew, if you would go back to see steve sweeney every year you knew he's going to have a new act that's like the one that you saw before like you say if you went out and you could guarantee that you're going to see a half hour new material from sweeney and then a half hour of that old killer stuff that yeah you would love it but that's That's a good point. Yeah, I do blame a lot.

You're right. It was the culture back then because they didn't know. I mean, with the internet, you can't do that. You can't do that anymore. So now everybody's doing the George Carlin method. We try to do a whole new special

between a year and a year and a half, two years, depending on how you feel. Some guys think that a year's too soon, the material is not good enough, and some guys think that you waste time developing. You should just move on to the next act. In five minutes, Kathy Griffin will have another hour. Five minutes?

She puts out an hour every two hours. An hour every two hours? Yes. She puts out a lot of hours. She puts out a lot of hours. She puts out a lot of hours. But she's not doing punchline jokes. A lot of them are stories.

Stories about her hanging out with Cher. Yeah, and stuff like that. Cher stopped returning her calls. She'd lose half her act. That's funny. I try to do... Gypsies,

tramps, and thieves. That's what the people of the town they call us. I try to do a new CD every two years. Every two years, I try to do a new CD. Yeah, two years is a good time because that means you work on it for a solid year and a half,

and then the last six months, you're just fucking sharpening that sword. Then by the time it comes around, you're filming. You're sick of it. You don't want to do it anymore. But see, I add and take out, add and take out. I think, like, Chris, I've seen Chris. I think maybe even Louie does it. Like, I'll see Chris go on a stage with a whole, you know, he's trying to do a whole new half or 45 at once.

Get it all together. You know, I throw in a new bit Drop a bit throwing a new bit drop a bit But some of these fucking guys like Louie and Chris they're fucking they could just write an hour like you wrote for Chris You helped him right when he was doing like some of his specials, right? No, I wrote I was When he did it on the Oscars I wrote. Mm-hmm his last movie top five I wrote on that You know, I helped you punch up you know and Chris is smart he had a couple

DiPaolo DiPaolo wasn't on the movie he was on the Oscars and he used to use Rich Jenny a lot yes when we did the Oscars fucking Jenny you know the problem with a lot of big comics and I'm not you're going is that they could be You know, the problem with a lot of big comics, a lot of people aren't honest with them.

Everybody, when you get to a certain level, has a lot of, yeah, that's great, that's great, that's yes. Yeah, no, you can do it. And it's really not to their standard. to their standard. And when we wrote on the Oscars, Jenny had no problem saying to Chris, that stinks, don't do it. It's not right.

And obviously Jenny knew what he was talking about because he was one of the best fucking comics in history. I talk about him all the time on this show that he was like the one guy, when people talk about some of the all-time greats, he's the one guy that they leave out. I'm like, you didn't see him in the 80s. You missed it. If you saw Jenny in the 80s or early 90s, he's one of the best of all time.

How could you not think this guy, he... You had to see him, though, the way we saw him. He would take a premise and bring it to a whole other level. He was the guy, you know, like when people say, like, your jokes, like you take a premise and you just squeeze a whole another level. He was the guy when people say your jokes, you take a premise and you just squeeze all the juice out of it. Right when you think you can't get any more out of it, you take it to another place. I learned that watching Jenny.

I really did. Because I remember thinking that I was just scratching the surface of these subjects, whereas he understood how to explore all of them. I'll tell you another one I watch and when i watch dom irera i'm going this is one of the funniest guys alive yeah no he just a powerhouse he's a murderer a fucking power he's the best at talking shit like he's one of the best guys ever on kill tony like when we. Kill Tony is this podcast that we do, and they'll have new comics.

Open Micros will go up and do one minute, and then it'll be like Don Marrera, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian, maybe me, and different comics. Russell Peters will sit. All these different comics will sit in and do a guest spot. And Don Marrera murders these fucking guys. I mean, murders them. He breaks it down. And it's effortless for him.

You're crying and laughing. I mean, that's... If you guys ever wind up doing that as a television show, you really should have Dom on, like, permanently. Like, he's the guy. He should be the patriot. Yeah, they did that. The page is unnecessary, as is the singer guy.

I think we did that in New York. Sherrod had a show at the comic strip where new comics would go on, like five of them, and then we'd sit there and judge. But they did like five minutes. Right. And you don't want to destroy their dreams, but you have to be honest with them. Right.

You know, because they're just going to have false hope. Right. And a lot of comics do have false hope because no one will tell them. Exactly. No one will tell them, you know, this is how you do it. When I first started, I mean, I stunk last year, but I really stunk when I started. You don't find

your voice until who knows when. It's a lot of work, and there's a lot of being honest, and there's a lot of listening to yourself, and there's a lot of correction, and everybody doesn't start from the same spot. Some guys start out funnier than you. And you just got to accept that. And you can't judge yourself by that.

You just got to keep going. Just keep going and keep trying to improve on what you do. This is what I want to ask. When you would write for Chris, what was the process? What was it like? Did you guys meet in an office? How did it work? For the Oscars?

For any of the things you did. Well, the movie, we'd sit on the set. And you saw him do one thing. And it didn't always have to be funny. You can go, maybe say it that way. Or walk in from here. Or take your shirt off. You know what I mean?

It just had different eyes on him. Right. Because he was directing besides acting and writing. You know, starring and writing. So, you know, when he has different eyes, you know, he had another comic, his name's on my mind,

and another director, Nelson George. And his acting coach was on the set, too. This was all for top five. Right. And not every day was, you know. And you'd see something, or you'd say a line, you know. And when Chris liked it, you could tell he liked it.

And if he didn't like it, you'd go, mm, you know. Right. And for the Oscarsars he pretty much had his own stuff he kind of knew what he wanted to do for that but he would say to the comics and he had like 13 writers he had you know chef wrote apollo uh lance uh and his crew and uh stillson was the head you know i guess the head writer jeff stillsonson, me. And he'd go out to the comedy club. And he goes, well, I'm going to Laugh Factory tonight. Who wants to come?

Whoever wants to come, I'll be there. And some of them didn't go. But I went every night to sit and watch. And this is the set he's going to do at the Oscars. And then you'd give notes. Give notes. But with the Oscars, I didn't give notes

right there. I sent mine in, and I think they went through Stillson then to him. You know? So, I mean, I'm not going to say... I got one or two things on, which was great. You know? I just wrote for the Comedy Central roast

for Bieber. And I'm not a writer like that. Bonnie can write. You want something fucking written, you ask Bonnie. She'll fucking write a book. I mean, this bitch knows how to write. That's her wife. Yeah.

She knows how to write. But roast stuff, I can come up with some stuff. You know, and punching up, I'm good at,, I can come up with some stuff. And punching up, I'm good at because I can see from being a stand-up for 30 years and watching, that there were certain things that Chris goes, yeah, that's right. And the other comics, yeah. He's smart. Chris is smart. He keeps funny people around him to tell him. You know what I mean?

Well, that's one of the reasons why his career has lasted so long, is that he's open-minded like that. Yes. Because there's a big drop-off in a lot of people's acts. You'll see early sets are really, really good, and then as they get older and older, they become almost like a caricature of themselves. Kennison is always my best example of that.

Kennison, I think in 86, if he wasn't the greatest of all time, he's like, it's him in prior. I feel like from 86 to like 88, he was the greatest of all time. I mean, he was a monster. And people who are alive today, you have to look at him in perspective. You have to look at him in perspective of what was around back then. There was nothing like that then. came out of nowhere yeah and he just didn't last the the stuff that he put out before his death was dogshit it was like an open mic or doing an impression of kinnison it was terrible yeah you

know what I did I heard one of those albums and I'm going, but he was way ahead of his time, you know, when it came to such edgy fucking material. Well, he just was doing coke and partying and hanging out. And there just wasn't a lot of writing going on. And I'm sure there's a lot of yes men in his fucking corner. Oh, yeah. All those guys were. Like when Jenny and Jenny worked with him on his specials, too, right? Didn't he work with him on some of those materials?

I don't know who worked with him on his specials. I was always fascinated how they did that. If they sat in a room and went over material, if they... I've seen Chris prepare. I've seen him come down. I was at Bananas one night on a weekend, the one in Jersey, and I saw him. He goes, so you're at Bananas this weekend.

I go, if you want to stop, in you know he stopped in on Saturday this was two years ago three and did 45 minutes but he was working out stuff mm-hmm you know it was all new stuff so when is he stopping him is he doing it after your set or something we went on before me he went on and you were the headliner yeah yeah something so you wait like an extra 45 minutes before you go out? Yeah, no big deal. It was Chris. Well, the middle we took off the show.

We paid. We took the middle off. And the host did like a, you know, maybe the middle did five minutes, whatever. Right, right, right. And then Chris came in and did, you know, because he doesn't want to hang out and wait for me to get done. He wants to get in and get out. So he went on, and it was pretty much new stuff. And some killed some.

You know, when you're Chris Rock and you're Seinfeld or Louis, you have, I guess, a three-minute pass to walk on stage, and the audience is like, whoa. But you have to be funny right after after you get that right don't periscope the fucking show just stop just stop just pay attention just talk jesus christ so you know what i mean there's a you get a free few minute pass uh-huh but even with his new stuff he would he was it was almost honed so he had it you know and you would see chris walk up to the cellar come in when he's working on a new walk in with his notebook put it down you know and just and he would throw old stuff in too you know kind of get it going to keep the crowd going

you know and then and but but you watch him and and it's brilliant. But the thing I love about him, he loves comedy. He knows comedy. Like, we'll sit and talk, and we'll say Rita Rudner. He'll go, one of the best joke writers ever. And she is a great joke writer. Rita Rudner knows how to write a joke. And Chris knows fucking comedy.

He could talk. He said to my wife, he goes, look, if you have a fucking hour of good material and you're a female and you're not famous, something's fucking wrong. You know? You know what I'm saying? It's true, right? A good hour for a female, a good hour. Yeah. He knows comedy.

He fucking loves comedy. And that's why I love being with Bonnie. She loves comedy. She knows comedy. She love being with Bonnie. She loves comedy. She knows comedy. She could break down and see, you know. What's good and what's bad. What's bad and what's hacked. She'll tell me, you can't do that.

Do you write, like, in front of a computer, on a piece of paper, or do you just write on stage? It's just got to come to me on stage. Like, I have this. I have this my the best bit I read recently came to me

from being on stage and it was it's a it just kills it just fucking kills I'm opening my hour with it you don't ever try

to like sit down in front of a computer never never in a million if I was writing for like Tough Crowd or on Red Eye or you know

when I was on one of those round tables yeah you gotta write fucking dumb jokes and even for Red Eye I barely I write a line and hopefully I can ad lib my way through the show because you know it's fucking the day I'm not getting paid anyhow so what the fuck how much but with Tough Crowd you would

I wrote I wrote stuff it's that Fox News show yeah Fox late at night round table it's a round table do you film late at night too no they film at 8 8 at Night. It's a round table. Do you film it late at night, too? No, they film at 8. 8 a.m.? 8 a.m. Oh, okay.

And it comes on at night. It's a good show for what it is. It's, you know, Bonnie's guest hosting it tonight. She's guest hosting. She'll be on tonight. I've never watched it. I've seen a couple clips of comics on it

or people saying controversial things on it, but I've never understood what it is. It's like any of the other roundtable shows. It's on Fox News? Yeah. I used to do Joey Behar when she was on CNN, and that was roundtable. She's a bright woman. She's fucking smart.

Very bright. But she's so left. Look, when you're so left and so right, to me, a lot of it, you become delusional. Well, it gets ideological. Like you're locked into a certain rigid way of thinking. You've got to have a bending point. It can't be all white and black. It just can't be.

What is like her big issues? Well, I mean, she's just so left. She hates the right. Bush, everything he did was completely wrong. Everything Obama does is completely right. So she's an Obama supporter even after all these years? Well, I haven't seen her. I haven't done her

show in so long, but she's very left wing. Is she still on that show? No, no, it's gone. But she was so pro-comic and so you know, I mean, her show, she had comics on all the time. I did her show 23 times.

You know, two emails. She sent you two emails? No, from fans. That's all you got? No. Her fan base was a little older. They don't get online? No, they don't go. They don't fucking write you emails. You get emails from this, from...

Old Democrats that live in the city, is that what it is? Yeah. They're going to email me. You are funny. That's a fact. But she's pro-comic. She was great in our movie. She did our movie.

You know, so her... Red Eye is basically that type of show. To me, you know, people say Bill Maher's show was the first. But Tough Crowd was the first at what of comics pretty much saying what they wanted to say. And saying what you couldn't say on other shows. And not only disagreeing with somebody smacking them around a little for being stupid okay you know what i'm saying yeah it was a great show it was why don't they read bring that back it just it tough crowd bring it back i mean colin quinn's still alive

yeah what the fuck is he doing a podcast because it doesn't even be a good podcast tough crowd podcast comic great colin puts be better that way, actually. Colin puts out one-man shows. He's working on his next one. He did Unconstitutional. He did the one before it. Does he like doing that better than stand-up? Well, I guess he's so fucking brilliant, man.

I guess stand-up is too easy for him, or he's not saying anything he wants to say. Right. Like he's doing in these one-man shows, you know. And it's stand-up. Maybe he feels confined by the desire to get, you know, you have to get laughs every X amount of seconds. And also, too, he could go into theaters and do these shows. You can't do these shows in comedy clubs really right you know that's a different kind of show it's a whole different thing and you know he's i just talked

to him when i was driving here he i go you done with your thing he goes yeah and he a book deal you know he's done with his book but the guy's always fucking creating he's always creating see a happy guy I I think I think he's really centered you know I think he's really centered because I called him about something one day that I was really fucking torn apart about or he goes did you go to a meeting or whatever he said he goes go it's all bullshit. Go fucking get in touch with what's really bothering you. You know what I mean? So he's pretty centered as a person. And I think he's comfortable in his own skin.

You know what I mean? Like so many people are not comfortable. Right. You know, and they're hiding. Well, that's why he's really good at, like, playing that silly part on Twitter. Like, if you go to Colin Quinn's Twitter, if you don't understand his sense of humor, people are like, where's the funny? You know, I'm not seeing how you're funny.

Like, you're missing what he's doing. And he doesn't try to convert those people ever. No. You don't see him arguing with them. He doesn't block them like I will. He's fucking, he's doing, and he doesn't try to convert those people ever. No. You don't see him arguing with them. He doesn't block them like I will. He's fucking, he's great. It's so, they don't get the fact that he's making fun of everything, and he's playing a character on there. It's so fucking, they had a big article in the New York Times about him on Twitter, how good he is on Twitter.

That's funny. He good he is on Twitter. He's like the number one. I heard Norm McDonald's really funny. He does golf play-by-play. Yes. I heard it's fucking brilliant. Norm's just funny. Period.

So, yeah, Colin. So probably the reason the show never came back, well, one, it leaned a little to the right. You know, I mean, Nick leaned to the right. Colin leaned to the right. I guess Geraldo was neutral. He was a little more left. Yeah, he was. Geraldo, yeah, he was left.

He was left. Geraldo was a little left. Norton's a little right. Was at the time a little to the right. Norton's more neutral now. Yeah. I was more to the right then but i'm neutral now well i think what norton was he was uh and still is i think he's

anti the hypocrisy of the left that's what i that's completely the their heads yeah because it's like all the idea if you put it on paper and you had a checklist of what do you actually support gay marriage check you know racial equality check like all the things that the left pushes for i'm in their corner on almost all of it but then it gets to certain things that you just go well you guys are just silly you know like yeah there's there's certain aspects of of the any all left or all right ideology it's like you can't like the worst thing to me is when I'm talking to someone and they talk about the Democrats,

like, look, we got to win in 2016. Like, what is this? We, are you, are you,

we, are you running for president? Like we, we got to win. I guess this is a team for you. And then you realize what kind of is a team for that? It becomes this, you know,

Patriots versus the fucking Steelers or something. It just gets, it gets to one of those things. People voted for Obama. See, a lot of young... If you're under 25, you're not supposed... You shouldn't have a point of view. Shut your fucking mouth.

You haven't lived long enough to know. Yeah, you probably shouldn't be able to vote unless you could write a paper explaining why you want Obama or this guy, and then you could have it read by people who have a brain, have life experience. But that doesn't make sense either because— Well, people, when he won, people wanted something different. But people voted the first election out of emotions, not out of

intellect. Well, I thought he was good out of intellect. I thought he was good. First of all, he was so much more articulate than Bush. But he wasn't running against Bush. But it doesn't matter. It's like coming back from that, it's like, okay, now we have someone who actually can talk, who's obviously brilliant.

He's a very smart person. And his ideas, like the ideas about closing Guantanamo Bay, someone who actually can talk, who's obviously brilliant. He's a very smart person. And his ideas, like the ideas about closing Guantanamo Bay, getting out of his fucking wars. No, it didn't. But that's what you learn. You learn from a guy like Obama that it doesn't matter, that what politics is really all about is about stroking the back of the people that got you there.

It's a business. What you got to do to keep your business running. Yeah. Okay. Farrakhan is a fucking brilliant speaker. Farrakhan is a great. Have you ever heard him speak? He's a great speaker.

He fucking captivates. He keeps you, you know, so. But what are they saying? What is any politician saying that hasn't been fucking said before not much okay they're saying the same thing in a different uh change yeah well of course everybody wants fucking change nobody's fucking happy that the the you know mortgages are sky high, interest rates are fucking less than half a percent. Nobody wants to, you know, at times the gas prices were $4 a gallon. Yeah, of course you want change.

But all that other stuff is bullshit. It's all bullshit. It's just them trying to keep their business fucking running. And their business involves having people donate money to them to get them into office. And then keeping those people happy once get them into office. Yeah. And then keeping those people happy once they get in office. I mean, that's what we found out about Obama.

Obama just, if you look at him on paper, first of all, the stuff that he's done against whistleblowers, that was a whole part of his campaign, that if someone comes forward exposing illegal activity, we will protect them. I mean, that was a part of the We Are Change website. we will protect them. That was a part of the We Are Change website. They redacted that from the website in light of the Edward Snowden and Chelsea Handler shit.

Chelsea Handler. Chelsea Manning. Ready. What, did she take off her shirt again? No, that's how strong Chelsea Handler is as a personality. You say the word Chelsea, you have to say Handler after it.

Not even Clinton. Not even Chelsea Clinton. You know, all that shit that happened with WikiLeaks, you know, it's the idea that they're protecting whistleblowers has been debunked. I mean, there's none of that. I mean, that was part of the promise that they were saying in office. Like, if people come forth and expose illegal activity, we're going to protect them. Well, they did, and you didn't. And that was a core component of what people were looking forward from him, that he was going to be different than these fucking criminals that were in charge before he was in there. Well, fucking the FBI, even your local detective, is not going to fucking burn their informants. Yeah.

Because their informants are what are giving them numbers. But the problem is that what these guys, what Edward Snowden did, what Chelsea Manning did was expose them. And that's the government. That's the very people that he works for. So the idea of whistleblowers wasn't nearly as attractive when they were blowing the whistle

on the actual government themselves. The guys in your fucking building. They weren't whistleblowing on corporations or whistleblowing on the people that fucking spilled the oil out in the middle of the Gulf Coast. It was the actual government itself, I mean, racial divide has grown, I think, immensely since he's been in office. In some ways. In some ways, it's actually come around. I think people are united in a sense in a lot of ways because they realize how much racism there really is, how much racism black people have to deal with when it comes to the police. When you watch all these videos of black people being harassed by the cops

or beaten up by the cops or that Eric Gardner guy getting choked to death in New York. Ridiculous. It should have never happened. Should have never happened. It probably wouldn't happen if there was a white guy in a suit, and we all know that. Yeah, but we know else. Okay. But you know as much as the media exploits,

every fucking time you see now there's a cop doing something wrong or doing this wrong or doing you're not seeing, you know, four fucking criminals walking down the street. You don't know if they're fucking packing a weapon. You don't see them harass. You don't see them harassed. It's all right now. What's selling fucking papers? And we're saying papers loosely is what are the cops doing to black people? Right. That's what's selling right now.

That's what's headlines are. And as many look as many bad cops. And, and, you know, it's maybe one out of 20, one out of, of, you know, the percentage is, you know, like this. This lady, I didn't see the documentary. You made a documentary about AA, all the predators in AA, all the, you know, the criminals and this and that, and people taking advantage. Well, you guess what?

You got fucking people, people in, you know, you got peoples in rooms that were fucking ex-heroin addicts in and out of jail. Some killers, some this. Yeah, there's going to be some fucked up people. What's the numbers that you're dealing with? You're dealing with millions and millions of people. Like here, look at it this way. How many people do you think get arrested by the cops or have interaction with the cops every fucking day of the week across the entire country

it's got to be in the hundreds of thousands of interactions every day so these glaring instances like the guy in south carolina that shot that guy fucked up unbelievably fucked up what happened in baltimore fucked up what happened in ferguson fucked up yes those fucked up instances those become like something that they can focus on because those are those are these these blips and They're in the overall scheme of things in comparison to how many interactions people actually have with the cops The amount of times people get shot in those situations are fairly small but we're dealing with hundreds of millions of people and the interactions of hundreds of millions of people on a daily basis.

And you're going to find things to focus on. Does it mean there's no problem? No, there's definitely a fucking problem. If one of those things happen, that's a problem. That one instance is a problem. That thing in Staten Island was unwatchable. Which one? Oh, the choke? Yeah, Eric Arden.

Unfucking watchable. But do you this? Oh, the choke? Yeah. It was unfucking watchable. But do you think the cops went in there with the mindset, I want to kill this guy? Well, they fucked up because they were getting, well, first of all, they use cops to collect revenue. That's a problem. That's part of the problem. It's like they use cops to write tickets. They use cops to make arrests. They have quotas.

That's fucked up. They're doing that because they want to make money and they want these cops to write tickets. They use cops to make arrests. They have quotas. That's fucked up. They're doing that because they want to make money, and they want these cops to be profitable for them. If no one did any crime, what the fuck would cops do if they have quotas? If there was no crime, if the whole country agreed to have a moratorium on crime for like three weeks, what the fuck would everybody do? They would have to start planning crime. They'd have to start faking crime and arresting people for shit that didn't happen. Yeah, but that's the same as saying if there was no fires,

firemen wouldn't have to... No, it's not. Because there's oftentimes no fires for years and no one ever talks about, like, hey, we don't need the fire department anymore. Everybody knows that fires are always possible. Yeah. So you want to keep a fire department.

If anybody ever ran for mayor and said, look, we don't need a fire department. Everybody just stop playing with matches. All right, we're good. We just cut money off the budget. They would go, well, what the fuck are you talking about? But the idea of having no cops because there's no crime, people would welcome that.

They would welcome that. Like, oh, we don't need cops. There's no crime anymore. Like, you can't you can't like force these people to make arrests and the idea of putting quotas on cops if you have lazy cops that don't go out and enforce the law well then you need to get better cops but what you can't do is you can't make people arrest people because if you make people arrest people you're assuming someone's going to do something bad if no one anything bad, isn't that the whole point of having a police presence?

Like, the whole point of having a police presence is people realize, oh, there's cops. I don't want to do anything bad. But if that happened, those cops would be fucked because they have quotas. You know, and people try to say there's no quotas. Bull shit. Of course there's quotas. Traffic quotas. Bull fucking shit.

I know cops. They tell me. Even if there's unwritten quotas, there's quotas. Traffic quotas. Bullfucking shit. I know cops. They tell me. Even if there's unwritten quotas, there's quotas. There's pressure on them to arrest people. And it's been proven time and time again that there's quotas. It varies by department. It varies by city and state.

But without a doubt, there's a lot of pressure on people to arrest people. So they can get funding. Yes. Of course. I mean, that's how they make money in these these forfeiture asset forfeiture situations where people are getting their their money taken from them this kid there's the one on amtrak the dea is uh catching people on amtrak because some kid had money saved up he had sixteen thousand dollars on him clean criminal record no history of drug sales no history of drug use uh he took his money what was this amtrak civil forfeiture the dea

has involved these civil forfeiture cases it's disgusting man well here's one of them richland one 4.1 million dollar police station funded by civil forfeiture. You fucking criminals. Criminals. You're stealing money from the people that you're supposed to be fucking protecting. They steal. And then you have to take them to court. And you have to try to get that money back. Even if somebody made money from selling drugs.

Even if they made money from selling drugs. That's not the fucking police department's money they can't take that money and buy margarita machines and all this shit they've been accused of doing because that's what they have been they've been convicted of doing that it's awful well it's a whole corrupt society you know I mean well it's corrupt because they've been allowed to be corrupt because they got incompetent shitheads that are running these police departments and good cops are forced into bad situations. If you

have it on the books that they're allowed to take money from people, then it's up to their discretion. And then you have these fucking idiots that, you know, just decide to pull the trigger and you're going to have a certain amount of idiots in any group of people. If you have 500 people, you've got 5 idiots

no matter what you do. No matter what you do, If you have 500 people, you've got five idiots no matter what you do. No matter what you do, you pull any 500 people, five of them you're going to want to kill with a fucking hammer. They're assholes. No matter what you do, there's a certain amount of people

that are just dumb as shit. There's four in this room and I know one of these is an idiot right here, me. You're not an idiot, Rich. You just occasionally sound like one. Here's... You can't get...

Look, if they want to take your property and build a highway through your fucking property, they'll do it. No, they're not. They're not going to do it. They're not doing it anymore. They're not doing it anymore because of stories like that because people find out about asset forfeiture.

They've started to rescind those laws. They've started to pull those laws back. They shouldn't just pull those laws back. They should put everyone who fucking was a part of that in jail. Everyone who let people take some kid's $16,000 and you make them go to court for it. You know how much money it costs to fight against and then you have to pull receipts for how you made that $16,000? This is supposed to be America, okay? You're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty.

You find $16,000 isn't that much fucking money. It's not like the guy had $2 billion in gold bullion. Like, where'd you get it? Fuck you! Like, hey, settle down, buddy. You might have done something illegal to get $2 billion. You're only 12. No, this is a kid who earned money, and they stole it from him

because they decided it was reasonably suspicious. But you're going from a whole different, from the police officer on the street doing what they got to do to stop crime and stay alive to the bureaucrats that are passing these fucking laws. And they're just pawns. The cops are just pawns in the chess game. Well, they may start out as pawns, but somewhere along the line,

a lot of times they wind up being fucking legal criminals. They wind up doing illegal, what should be illegal shit, but it is legal. So does half the club owners we work for. So does fucking, so does half the corporations. One just got caught dumping, you know, they're all fucking, you know. The banks are the biggest.

Less than half a percent interest, but when you take out a loan, you're paying what? Four, five percent interest? Six percent on a loan? But you agree to do that. I mean, that's something you say, well, okay, I'll agree to this. I need that money. You have no choice. Your choice is to not get that loan.

There's a big difference between that and someone stealing your money when they pull you over because they decide you shouldn't have $10,000 on you. They've been doing that for a long time. They've been pulling people over for a long time just taking their money. Because if you have money on you, you have to prove that you got that money through legal means. That is bullshit. money through legal means that is bullshit and you know it's it's situations like that that engender or it will create this lack of trust in law enforcement you created an enemy you create an enemy in that kid that kid is gonna distrust the DEA and the FBI and the CIA anybody pulls him over he's

gonna distrust them forever because you ruined his life for a long period of time the time he's got to go to court the sleepless nights he spent thinking of this smirking cunt that stole his fucking money with a badge on that criminal with a fucking badge on but you know what look i'm i'm i'm you didn't take money from me right fucking black black people you can't even imagine a struggle because you're not black people white liberals go i know you're so you don't even imagine a struggle because you're not black. People, white liberals go, oh, I know your struggle. You don't know the struggle. No, they don't know.

You don't know the struggles. You don't leave the house every day in fear. Okay. How about that stop and frisk shit they were doing in New York? That's all being exploited because also, and I agree, I grew up in a black community. I've seen it. I never felt it or lived it, but I've seen it. Okay? Because that's where I grew up in a black thing. I've seen it. I never felt it or lived it, but I've seen it, okay, because that's where I grew up. So I have the feeling of anti-Semitism that I can feel because that's what I see and feel.

But you will never see the story of the cops that went in and stopped a gang war or broke up a husband from killing his fucking wife on a domestic call that saved his wife and that family's life and risked their lives and saved two kids because the fucking father or even the mother fucking lost it. Some dummy, some bureaucrat, some dummy, some administrator, whoever the fuck passed those regulations that allowed cops to steal money from people They're the problem you gave them a legal power You gave them a green light and you made it where it's not even against the law and so they feel like they're justified in

Doing that you got to be very careful of the power that you give people because it's very difficult to take that power back And it's also very difficult to take that righteous attitude like hey They have this attitude like what they're doing is just because it's legal. Because they can't look at it objectively. It's hard. But don't you think in the morning, five cops, you take five cops, roll call, they listen. Don't you think, I don't know what percentage, but let's even say seven out of ten are not going. Five, and then the seven out of ten, I'm fucking baffled.

No, no, I was just going to use five cops as an example. I don't even know how many grams are in an ounce. Well, hold on. But say whatever the percentage is. Okay. That most of those cops aren't going to work going, I'm going to find somebody and take money. I would bet that most of those cops are going,

I'm going to try to do something good today. I'm going to try to stop. I'm sure a lot of them do. I'm sure more are there to protect and serve than there are to fuck you over. And I'm pretty, you know what I mean? So the ones that are there risking their lives because they're going to a job where they might not come home. They might not fucking come home. Like I said, it's not them.

It's the fucking people that give them laws, past laws that allow them to do these things. They make it legal. But the law you're talking about is where they can take that money. That's just one of them. How about stop and frisk? Imagine if you're a black guy and you're walking down New York and you've done nothing wrong, you're going to school,

and some asshole with a fucking chip you know, a chip on his shoulder thinks it's okay for him to touch your body. Start rifling through your fucking pockets for no reason. Maybe he calls you a racial slur in the process if you resist him. And there's nothing, not a goddamn thing you can do about it. But do you don't think that happens in white areas? It doesn't matter if it happens in white areas. I'm just saying like, it's not just happening at all because you gave them the possibility.

You let them on paper. You made it legal for them to do that. As soon as you make it legal for them to do things that are inappropriate, that don't make any sense. Like, if there's no real reasonable, like, reason to search someone. They're not in the middle of something criminal. They're not doing anything suspicious. They're just walking down the street. That's discrimination.

And you're giving them a legal precedent. You're giving them a legal, on-paper reason to pull someone over and be a cunt. Okay, and you're right. But how many serial killers, how many rapists, how many kidnappers have been caught due to profiling? The FBI, I mean, they're whole pretty... That's not profiling.

Yes, it is profiling. Stop and frisk is not profiling. Yes, it is profiling because they're looking at people that... Black people? How many people were white that got pulled over for stop and frisk? Was it even two? How do you know in Ohio that you're just looking at...

It was a New York City law. That stop and frisk shit? It was only in New York. That was where it was widely criticized. I'm sure cops do similar things in other places. Well, yes, they stop you.

If you're going through fucking Toledo, Ohio, and you see four white kids that look like trouble, that fit a profile, cops will fuck with them. Well, they'll ask them questions, but they're not legally allowed to start searching through their pockets like they were in New York. What they were doing in New York that's stop and frisk shit is bullshit.

That's fucked up. Okay, I don't know enough about it. I don't know the crime statistics. I do believe in certain types of profiling. But we wouldn't catch after... You know, all the terrorism that has been stopped in this country, which we don't even know about. And there's been a lot.

Okay, since 9-11, they have caught a lot of fucking people. They've also entrapped a lot of people and forced them into doing terrorist shit. Like that guy in Dallas. They took some guy who was mentally challenged. They forced him into this situation where they gave him a fake bomb and gave him a cellular phone to detonate it. And then as soon as he tried to detonate it, they arrested him. Serious? Yeah, yeah.

It's a famous case. They fucking, they tricked this dummy and they talked to him. He probably would have never found the means or the resources to have this bomb in the first place. Now he's in jail for the rest of his life. But wait, was he? He was willing to make that call and blow that bomb up. Okay, well, guess what? But you can convince people to join Scientology.

You can convince people. Once they join Scientology, should you arrest them for being retarded? Okay, here's the thing. I don't know the story, but if a cop can convince them, so can a fucking... So true. But there's a lot of idiots out there.

And guess what? Profiling is helping stopping those fucking idiots from committing these fucking atrocious attacks. You can make that argument. You can also make the argument that what they're doing is they're taking advantage of someone who's stupid. And they're being, like, very persuasive. And they're getting some dummy to do something he probably would have never done in the first place.

And may have never even made contact with those kind of people in the first place. Or people that have the resources to do those things. Why would they pick somebody like that unless there was a reason? Because they want to make arrests. It's a score-keeping thing. reason? Because they want to make arrests. It's a score-keeping thing. I mean, they want to make arrests. A lot of them, yes. A lot of them are trying to prevent crime.

They're trying to do good, the vast majority. But the problem is there's enough wiggle room there for assholes. And assholes get involved in police enforcement and law enforcement, and they fuck it up for everybody else. Because all the good cops, they have to think about that guy in South Carolina that shot that guy in the back who was running away. Fucking ridiculous. Exactly. That becomes a part.

But how come you don't hear about... The good cops. No, not even that. How come you don't hear... Look at that. What is this? In 2012, New Yorkers were stopped by the police 532,911 times in one year. 473,644 were totally innocent.

89%. That's criminal. Okay, guess what? 55% were black. 32% Latin. Yeah, 10% white. You know what makes me happy? No teeth.

You know what happens out of this? You know what makes me happy about this? What? No Jews? No time. And the white people probably have no teeth. You know what happens out of this? You know what makes me happy about this? What? No Jews? No Jews. Jews are white. They have Jews in the white category. No, it would be Jews. Where do you fall into?

I fall into Jews. If I looked at you, I'd say maybe Latin. If you started talking Spanish, if I ran into you, I'd say, see, papi. When someone people trash white people, I don't give a fuck. If they trash Jews, I get upset. But white people are Jews. Jews are white people. Yeah, but not wasp or white people.

That was right after... You know, it's weird, because look at 2012, how big it is, and then look in 2014, the big drop. What was it like... They stopped doing it. They stopped it. They got in trouble.

What was 2011? They sued the fuck out of people. But wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. A lot of lawful... Does it say... Look at 88% in 2011. What was 2011? They sued the fuck out of people. But wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. A lot of lawful... Does it say... Look at 88% in 2011. Every time it's 80, 90%.

But guess what? Guess what they're not saying? But look at it. Almost all of it is 80 plus percent innocent. But guess what? In these statistics, in these statistics, they're not saying whether crime has risen or dropped since... Who gives a fuck?

What do you mean? It doesn't matter. You can't just ruin people's lives. You can't just arrest people, frisk them, fuck with them, give them all this crazy stress if they're totally innocent. In 2006, it was 90% innocent. It's ridiculous. It's a stupid policy.

Did this start right after 9-11? No. 2002, yeah. Well, it started after 9-11, but they're deep into 2012 when they were doing it. That's when it first started here. Yeah, 2002, 86% were totally innocent. Who was mayor at the time when this started?

Who was mayor? Was it Giuliani? Giuliani, right. He was a head district attorney. This guy was... Cocksucker. 9 out of 10. Stopping first New Yorkers have been completely innocent. That's not good.

And it makes you wonder like what is that one, oh they had some weed on them or you know they had like an expired driver's license. Okay, yeah, injustice. There's fucking injustice throughout this world. There's injustice amongst blacks,

whites, Jews, women. But obviously more blacks than whites and if you know the numbers, there's way more white. But obviously more blacks than whites. And if you know the numbers, there's way more white people than black people in New York. That's racial profiling. In this country. That's an illegal policy. I mean, it might be legal, but it's an immoral, unjust, unethical, racist policy.

Should there be racial profiling towards Middle Easterns? No. You don't think so? No. At all? No. No racial profiling towards Middle Easterns? No. You don't think so? No. At all? No. No racial profiling at all? No, look, if you know something about someone's past, do you know how many fucking people

are in the Middle East? Do you know how many people that are in the Middle East that aren't terrorists? The vast majority. Yes, you're right. So you're saying, like, because a small percentage are terrorists, you should racially profile the vast majority of innocent people and subject them to all sorts of scrutiny that you wouldn't white people. Only at the airport. Why is it the airport?

I know. When are they going to pick fucking the NASCAR races and shit? It seems like there's a lot more people to be killed at larger areas. There's something about airplanes. They're terrifying already, so terror in airplanes just ramps it up even further. We have the smartest people in the world that are supposedly running these countries, these airlines. Do you know

history, how different history would be with a fucking, if there was a $5 deadbolt on that fucking cockpit door, okay, just a deadbolt. Okay, how, after all the hijackings to cuba how about if there were sky marshals on planes yeah if there were sky marshals on planes

before 9-11 9-11 would have never happened i mean if you they would have just taken those fucking guys out that would have been a wrap that would have been the end of it you have highly trained cops you know mercenaries you get some Blackwater guys, whatever the fuck you got to do. Guys have been to war, know how to kill people, and you put them on these planes to guard them from assholes with box cutters, and you're done. I mean, you cost a little money, and the idea that they were unprotected from something like that, and the idea that you could use a plane as a weapon, and that had been considered long before September 11th. I mean, they had talked about that many, many times, what would happen if terrorists took over. I mean, that was not like an unthought-of scenario.

So how come none of these fucking CEOs or heads of these airlines said, we fucking locked the pilots in? Save money. They don't open the door under any circumstance. How about that fucking guy in Germany? The pilot went to take a shit. The co-pilot, who's depressed, decides to fly the plane into a mountain. A mountain. And they can't even get inside.

I mean, that's insane. They're pounding on the door, and this asshole just drops the plane right down into a mountain. I mean, how the fuck is that possible? How is there no fail-safe method to get inside that plane? Or how do they not have a phone where they can override, where they can call someone who could override the controls? It seems to me like there should be another way into that car. And I wonder how hard it is to break that fucking door down.

Yeah. Well, now it's probably like a vault. I don't know. It's probably like a vault Big heavy metal doors seems pretty big but I wonder you know, I wonder how hard it is I wonder how hard it is to break down. I wonder was that Copilot yes fluid. Yeah. Yeah. It was totally intentionally. He was depressed. He was on antidepressants Who suicidal he was he was all those he was all fucked up. I mean suicide is selfish to be you I mean, I can't deal with it

I don't know anybody But to take a whole fucking plane down What a fucking Motherfucking And again we focus on that How many thousands of planes Fly successfully every day And we don't even think about that

Why is there not one parachute on the plane though You would die anyway, man. You're going 30,000 feet. You wouldn't have any air when you jumped out. You probably would die of having no air. And on top of that, it'd be freezing fucking cold. The idea

that you would be fine and that you would make it. When you parachute, you don't really parachute from that high. It's very rare. And when they do they have like all sorts of special equipment oxygen tanks and shit here's uh uh it was on i don't know 60 minutes or something i didn't see it bonnie told me and it makes sense if you went on a plane wearing a helmet or brought a helmet on, your chances of survival are a lot better because most people when a plane

crashes, hit their head on the fucking seat or whatever. They get knocked out unconscious and they burn to death. So if you got a fucking helmet, boom, you hit your head at the crash. You're probably going out anyway. I got news for you. You get hit going 500 miles an hour and your fucking head is jello.

You know, when they catch guys who die in motorcycle accidents, they call them squids. Because they have helmets on, but their neck gets snapped anyway. And so they're like a squid. Everything below the hard stuff is just mush. Oh. Yeah. Or how come? I'm waiting for the airplane.

Oh, man, that really fucking defeated my fucking theory because every time I go on a plane now, I try to get a blanket in case it's going to crash. I wrap my head up

like a turban. We got to wrap this up. I got to get out of here, unfortunately. How come they don't make, God damn, when I'm on, it just flows.

How come, I don't know, I bring it to another level. I don't know if Tom and Christine does what Bonnie and I do. Well, there's only one way to find out. The roast battle. The roast battle. Roast battle.

Roast battle. Roast battle. Will you guys be willing to fly in for this? Yeah, probably. We can book something. We want to do a week vacation in here anyhow. Okay. Well, tell me when you're doing it.

I'll have you guys both in studio together, and we'll promote it. Yeah, but we got to do it in a club, you mean, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying you and Bonnie have you guys in studio to promote it, and maybe I'll have Tom and Christina in studio as well. That sounds fun. On a different day, or maybe in the same day. Same day.

Chaos. Yeah, that sounds fucking fun. Total chaos. Yeah. We'll do it. All right, we got to end this stuff. Thanks for having me this weekend. You're the best. Love you, buddy. Friday through Sunday, Ventura Comic Club. Thank you for having me again. You're fucking it. All right, we've got to end this, though. Thanks for having me. This weekend. You're the best.

Love you, buddy. Friday through Sunday, Ventura Comedy Club. Thank you for having me again. You're fucking hilarious. I fucking love doing this. And go see him this weekend. I guarantee you're going to have a good time. If you don't have a good time, you're a shithead, and you have a terrible sense of humor.

Rich Voss will be at the Ventura Comedy Club Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Google it. You can find it. Rich Voss on Twitter. Love you, buddy. Thanks for having me. Google it. You can find it. Rich Voss on Twitter. Love you, buddy. Thanks for having me. All right.