The Joe Rogan Experience - #660 - Jim Florentine

Episode Date: June 15, 2015

Jim Florentine is a comedian known for hosting That Metal Show on VH1 as well as his own podcast called "Comedy Metal Midgets."

Yee-haw! We're fucking live. I was just about to take a sip of coffee. This shit is way more important. We're here with Jim Florentine, hilarious stand-up comedian and transracial pioneer. You were doing that, you were pushing the transracial movement like about two, three decades ago, right? I was. You know, and um, you know, we're living with Jim Norton, you know. I've seen a lot. That video, there's a video of you guys. Was it you two living together where you had the fucking black mold? Yeah. Oh, my God. When you move the picture and you see the mold on the wall, people fucking die from that shit.

Like, the amount of mold you guys had. I know. I had it in my bedroom, and I put tinfoil on the walls to cover it. Around by the bed. It was all the way up, coming up, climbing up the walls. I just put tinfoil on my wall. It should be fine. That is so fucking crazy.

Who made that video? It was somebody from ONA show came over and did the cribs. God. Like people get really sick from that shit, right? I know. I don't understand how we didn't get sick because we had it for like a year. We're paying $800 for a three bedroom right outside of New York City in the Jersey side and splitting it three ways.

I had a girlfriend who lived with me at the time, too. So we're paying like $2.66 a month. Wow. That's pretty sweet. And we weren't making any money, so we figured we'd move right next to New York City. Here's a video. It's going on behind you. Did you get tested to see if you had anything from living there? No.

Fuck no. Tom Likas had to evacuate his whole house. Tom Likas, they had to tear his walls down. They have to, I guess they treat the mold to kill it. They got to tear all your walls down, and they got to do these tests of the air to make sure there's not spores that are flying around the air. I mean, it's a real infestation. It's fucked.

I know. We didn't even look it up to find out if it was toxic I'm pretty sure it's not good this is sick it's like it's dripping down the side of this painting now they moved this painting we went to a garage sale around the corner

to buy more paintings just to cover up the mold that's what we would do that cannot be good oh it's super bad for you it's absolutely super bad rub the mold. That's what we would do. Dude, that cannot be good. Oh, it's super bad for you. It's absolutely super bad. You know what else? There's my damn Reno jersey hanging up.

But you gotta think that just the sheer air that's in that room, it's gotta be filled with spores and shit, right? And I think that's very, very poisonous. Like, you probably have

some kind of fucked up shit from that. No, I bet he's fine now. You don't? But I bet back then you were probably suffering from just a lot of stress on your lungs. Yeah. What am I, a doctor? Was your voice before really high-pitched?

Was it like, hi, guys? No, it's always been like this, yeah. Jim's always had that voice. That didn't work. But when you're fucking young and poor and you're a comic, that is the way to go. $266 a month we're paying. The lower your bills are, like for comics, it's like the whole thing in the beginning is you got to get through the spot where you don't make any money, figure out how to do

it, and then start making money. Start getting road gigs and start. But that area where you just, like, it's so important to fucking save as much money as possible. Yeah. We were, you know, we were living like an hour south of the city in Jersey, me and Norton, and we figured we needed to get close because we were going in there like four or five nights a week trying to get into clubs.

I moved in with, I didn't even like this girl. I just wanted her to pay a third of the rent. I really didn't even like her that much. I'm like, look, we can cut this in threes. That's hilarious. Look at Jim, all fresh-faced, like a little lad lad like a little boy. Oh your bathroom. Gee sweet merciful Christ I had a shithole of an apartment in New Rochelle. Oh It's actually could have been a lot worse. This is like just mostly families and shit

Yeah in the neighborhood But that was the same thing as the cheapest place that I could get What that had a place to park because I had to do a lot of road gigs I did city gigs like, in New York City, but at a certain point in time, I was like, fuck, man, these sits are only, like, 10, 15 minutes long. You've got to travel all over to do them.

They don't pay any money. I could just go to Connecticut and make $150 tonight. You know, I could go to Long Island and make $150. You could make, like, real money. I think that's when I first met you was Bob Levy and his wife

had all these, like, gigs, these one-nighters that paid like $150, $200. His wife was hot. Oh, my God. Good Lord. It was insane. She was one of those, like, what happened there relationships. First of all, Bob is hilarious. Chicks love, like, he's so funny.

Like, have you ever hung around with Bob Levy? Do you know Bob Levy at all? Yeah, but I haven't hung out with him. He's fucking hilarious. That dude's hilarious. He was at, I watched Artie Lang headline in Vegas once at the Luxor. It was me and Joey and Eddie Bravo went. Because we were there for the UFC.

And he went up and he was doing some shit where he was having girls eat his asshole. Yeah. They put blue cheese on his ass, and he was describing why he couldn't do that anymore because of lawsuits or whatever. But he would put blue cheese on girls' asses and eat it on stage. Right on stage, right out of her ass. I would probably do that.

Maybe you would do it, but I don't know. He was a famous comedian. Bob Levy is a nationally known comedian, and he's doing this. Are these girls from the audience? Yes. From the audience? Guy would go to his wife, go up there. Come on, let him eat blue cheese out of your ass.

What's the big deal? I'm like, that's unbelievable. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. But he's just a funny fuck. Like, people were heckling him. He was just torturing him. Bob's been around forever.

He's an old pro. He's one of the best nightclub comics out there. Old pro. Old pro. Just kills every time. He knows how to do it. He's just a funny guy. He's just been around. He's a good dude, too. But god damn, did he have a hot wife. Unbelievable. Jesus Louise. She's still hot. She came to my show about a year ago. I'm sure she is.

Still hot. Crushing. It was insane how hot she was. Like, Bob, you don't deserve that. How does that happen? If she lived in California, it would kind of make sense if Bob was on a sitcom. If Bob was on a sitcom and she lived in California, Bob, you don't deserve that. How does that happen? If she lived in California, it would kind of make sense if Bob was on a sitcom. If Bob was on a sitcom and she lived in California, like, girls like her,

I think are more common in California. But in Jersey? Jesus fucking Christ. Like, they didn't even have a number for that. She wasn't even a 10. You had to, like, you gotta go, like, it's like a 10 plus.

Absolutely. Executive class 10. She hung in there for, like, three years and then she couldn't take it anymore. They were booking gigs. I did a bunch of their gigs. Yeah, that's when I originally met you, because you do a bunch of one-nighters. Such a good dude.

Yeah. Always been a good dude. Funny, crazy fuck. Yeah, he would. But you know when he had to stop eating blue cheese out of girls' asses because he was going through a divorce, and his ex-wife, the second wife's lawyers were using the footage on YouTube against him in court. So you had to tell the audience, look, I got to stop eating blue cheese, and they would boo. He goes, look, this shit's on YouTube.

I'm trying to get custody of my son. Oh, my God. It's just like specific dressing. What about Thousand Island? No, blue cheese or nothing. Like, look, This girl is there. He puts blue cheese on her ass and he eats it on stage. What a lucky guy.

Oh, he's a savage. And he holds on too. He doesn't let go. Like, he'll hold them and they're trying to run away and he's... He's a fucking savage. Yeah. He's a savage. He's... Look at that girl's ass. Oh! Jesus Christ! Wow. Blue cheese and Wildwood. I mean, it's kind of like

A cultural legend thing You know like When And By the way When I first heard That he was doing it Wasn't even remotely

Surprised I was like Oh Bob Levy's doing that Alright Does that make sense He's fucking crazy They tell Like if somebody told me

That Greg Fitzsimmons Started eating blue cheese Out of girls asses I'd be like Whoa What the fuck happened to Greg? Well, Greg went south. He went crazy.

Greg's gone crazy. But when I heard it was Bob Levy, it was like totally acceptable. Like, if you know him, like something like that's completely acceptable. Like, oh, yeah, that's probably what he does. The first time he did it, this gig got canceled. We were just hanging out at Holiday Inn in the room where the comedy was supposed to be. And some girl was there, and we were drinking with her. And somehow we got her to go, hey, we'll muster up like $37 if he can eat blue cheese out of your ass because we're eating wings.

And Bob said, I want to eat this blue cheese out of your ass. And I go, how much would you do? She goes, I don't know. And I got $37. She goes, okay, fine. And he ate blue cheese just in front of like four people. And he was like, I got to close with that. I go, I don't know.

She goes, okay, fine. And he ate blue cheese just in front of like four people. And he was like, I got to close with that. I go, I don't know. I go, it worked between us friends. I don't know if that's going to work on stage. Oh, my God. I got to close with that.

What kind of a fucking animal? What kind of a fucking animal offers a girl $37 to eat blue cheese out of her ass? And then after he's out, it says, I gotta close with that. I'm fucking crying. Oh my God, I'm fucking crying. Those are the beautiful people that you meet in stand-up comedy. I know. You only meet those people in stand-up comedy. They don't exist in other professions.

Or like Extreme Elvis. I've met that guy a few times. Oh, he's crazy. His show is amazing. I don't think he does that anymore. Yeah, I don't think he does either. It was a fucking amazing show. Extreme Elvis is this guy's an Elvis impersonator.

And he takes his clothes off and he pisses in this girl's mouth. It's fucking crazy. He gets totally naked. Yeah. And they're really good musicians. Like Penn Jillette. Did Penn Jillette tell them about me I don't know who told who about them But he and I talked and he wound up hiring the guy to do like a party at his house and Penn's like strict

Like no drugs. No this no that So you had to do it sober because extreme Elvis would do all shows Completely fucked up like drink a gallon of fucking whiskey on stage. That's him right there. Holy shit. Yeah, dude. I mean, you ain't seen nothing yet. So weird.

I wrote a whole blog about it. I wrote a whole blog about it a long time ago, like way back in 2003, because it was amazing. This show was amazing. He goes, who wants to drink the king's piss? The girl next to him goes i do i do he just pisses in her mouth she's lying there she's topless she's hot by the way and she's talented and she can play you know i forget what she did whether she sang or she played guitar i forget what instrument but i remember overall was a very good show they're very talented on top of

the fact it was insane he's pissing in this girl's mouth and some guy like in from the audience like someone or was a girl some girl tried to stick a like a beer bottle up his ass because he was totally naked so some girl comes up behind him and starts sticking this beer bottle up his ass. And he grabs her hand and starts putting it in the right hole. And then she panics and she runs away. Like he was helping her shove this beer bottle up his ass. Holy shit. He's like, girl, come here. You want to do that?

Go ahead. And she's like, fuck this. And the girl just leaves. It was a fucking crazy show. Did you see what Jamie just put up? It was a pool cue. I'm not surprised. Well, I'm also not surprised that

he doesn't do it anymore if he was doing these kind of things on a regular basis. Because that's fucking dangerous for your asshole. You can't just have random strangers stick stuff up your ass. They won't be so kind. Yeah. That sounds like Gigi Allen. He would just take a shit on stage and just throw it

at the audience before the first song. I'm telling you, though, this dude is really good. Like, as a musician, he was really fucking good. That was the craziest thing about the show. It was not just that it was this freak show. He's doing the freak show thing, but he's a fucking talented musician. Like, he does a wicked Elvis. Like, he's doing Suspicious Minds, and the whole audience was singing along.

We're caught in a trap. I can't walk out. The whole crowd was going, because I love you too. And these guys just got his dick out. He's fucking naked on stage. He just pissed in a girl's mouth. And they're singing Suspicious Minds.

I mean, it's a fucking show. Now the girl that he pissed in her mouth, is she in a band? Yes. Okay. And she's good. I forget what she did. Fuck, I wish I could remember. But this was like 12 years ago.

We saw it in like 2003. So every night he would piss in her mouth. Oh, my bad. I don't know how many times they did shows, but I talked to him briefly. He was telling me all these different times he's been arrested, all these different times they wouldn't give him his money. Because a lot of times the clubs, they don't know what the fuck he's going to do.

This guy's got his dick out, he's pissing girls' mouths and shit. I don't think they understand the show. I just really don't think they understand what they're signing up for, so these rock venues would have him come in there, and then they get fucking mad at him, they want to beat him up. And didn't pay him at the end of the night.

Yeah. Oh, shit. I gotta find out if this guy's still around. I want to beat him up. And didn't pay him at the end of the night. Yeah. Oh, shit. I got to find out if this guy's still around. I want to see this show. I hope he is. But I hope he takes better care of himself. Like, you can't just drink a bottle of whiskey every night and do this. I can't imagine how he could do this show all the time. This is a fucking super dangerous show for your body.

He's got a bunch of chickens picking. He's lying down there tied up, and they put grain all over his cock. And he's got a bunch of chickens that they put on top of this sheet, and they're pecking at the grain. It's right over his dick. This is so fucking bizarre. Who's that guy over there? Exactly.

Exactly. Who's that guy? Holy shit. He's out of his mind. That's like Ari Shick fear. Who's that guy? Holy shit. He's out of his mind.

That's like Ari Shick fear. Last time I saw him, it was, uh, I was going into the, um, Paul Prevenza green room show. Did you ever do that show? No. I know what you're talking about. But I didn't get a chance to ask him whether or not he's doing it again. Fuck. That guy was good though.

Here's at the comedy store. I was probably like two years ago. See if he could get any of him singing. What's that? I thought he was. Well, see if you can find one where there's actual singing, because the crazy thing is that he's really fucking really talented. It was a great show, though. There's very few shows where you go, fuck yeah.

Absolutely. You get out of there and you go, I saw the king piss in this chick's mouth and then have the whole audience sing along to a song. It was awesome. That's great. Is there anything like that right now that's big? Fuck, it's hard to do something like that. It's because, you know, this was 2003, so the internet was around.

It wasn't around like it's around now. It's not the same thing. Like, you would go to jail. You're not allowed to do that. You can't just pull your dick out. Insurance and everything. Yeah, everything. Yeah, no one's going gonna take a chance anymore. By the way,

what the fuck is wrong with the world where a guy can't piss in a girl's mouth on stage like that? You can't prove to me that that's not art, because it is art. Okay? If you can make a show that's that fucked up, you got a guy who's Elvis. He sings really good. He's got a fucking talented

band with him. Oh, one of his band members, she takes off her clothes, her tits are out, and he pisses in her mouth. And his dick's about that big. The whole thing is ridiculous. It is a goddamn ridiculous show. And the pissing in her mouth make the show better, like as an artistic piece. Absolutely. For real, because it was just more surreal and more fucked up.

But how is that illegal? Goddamn communists. Jim Florentine. I don't understand. He'd have to do backyard shows at this point. Is this him singing? What year is this? 2010?

Is that what it said? Well there was a lot of this At the shows too A lot of fucking screaming And people couldn't believe What is he doing? I'm alive Can you fucking hear me? I used to have an extreme Elvis t-shirt. Fuck, I think I lost it somewhere.

I think I left it in a hotel room somewhere. Don't you hate that? Fuck, I hate that. Ex-girlfriends taking your shirts, hotel rooms. This is Elvis, baby. I think he's doing that song Black Sabbath by Black Sabbath. Yeah. Yeah.

Elvis doing Ozzy. It's beautiful. What is this that stands before me? Elvis doing Ozzy. It's beautiful. Well, I think the folks at home get the point. But go check them out. If you still do it. That's one band, GWAR. They're kind of around anymore. The lead singer died about a year ago.

Yeah, I heard about that. They've got a great stage show. Was it like that? They just shoot jizz on the crowd and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of special effects, like things coming out of chests Was it like that? They'd just shoot jizz on the crowd and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of special effects, like things coming out of chests and stuff. There was a girl in the band, she gave birth to a baby.

That's what it was. And the baby came out and they put her right in the wood chipper and the blood went all over the audience. I was like 22 years old. I'm like, that's the greatest thing that I've ever seen in my life. That's one thing I wish I got to see. I never got to see a GWAR concert. Oh, my God. They threw a fake baby in a wood chipper. Came right out of her, gave birth, and put her right in a wood chipper.

Oh, fucking Jesus Christ. I think they're still doing shows with the Mulder members and stuff, but great band. Always, always went to see them live. Oh my God. How did, how did they not go to jail for that? How did they not get, like, there was some protest, some family advocacy group or anything? I mean, I would think that someone would protest you putting a fake baby in a wood chipper as a part of your act. They would do it.

Whatever president, they would cut his head off. Whoever was president at the time, they'd cut his head off on stage. You can't still do that, though, can you? Yeah, they still, they were doing it. I saw them two years ago. They were doing it at Obama. Really? Cutting his head off, yeah.

Jesus Christ. I would think that the Secret Service would come get you if you did some shit like that. Yeah, that's why. Isn't there like rules? I thought you weren't even allowed to say, like, I want to kill the president. Hey! Someone's gonna take that as a fucking soundbite, dude. No, they let me finish of Jamba Juice.

Or something like that. That's why I would always say something at the end. Don't say that, man. I know George Bush did it for Bush. Oh my god. Circuit City. Look at this. Look at the outfit this fucking guy's got on Does he have a fake dick? Is that what I saw? Yeah, it's gonna giant fake dick. Yeah, it's a fist. Oh What is this dick? What is what is good? Oh my god? Yes, he's a gorgeous squirts right now off and squirts on the crowd. Oh my god. This is so just squirts right in the crowd. Head off and squirts in the crowd.

Oh, my God. This is so ridiculous. It's kind of like something for kids when you go to Disneyland or Universal Studios, like one of those shows, but for adults. Do you think they know about this? Oh, yeah. I'm sure they do,

because they were doing President Bush when he was in office, whoever, whatever president is. It seems like he could go to jail for this. Doesn't it? It kind of falls into cheesy horror movie kind of category. Well, for sure. But, I mean, it brings up an interesting conversation about making fun of things

and what you shouldn't be able to make fun of because that Charlie Hebdo thing that happened. You know what that is? In France, the people that ran this magazine, they had this magazine that did a lot of satire drawings of Muhammad and, and these dudes showed up, um, and, and fucking gun them all down,

killed everybody. Right. And they killed the dudes. They had a man hunt for him. These two, uh, radical Muslim dudes. But,

um, that was just, you know, drawing, drawing pictures, which everybody's like's like well that's fucked up you can't do that you can't kill people for drawing a picture but we do

have certain things you're not allowed to do like you literally can't say I want to kill Mr. President you can't say that, you couldn't say his name if you said that, if you said I want to kill that guy or I want to kill the president like that's illegal like they could literally lock you up for that which is weird because like you know that's a kind of a figure of speech

you know like people say that all the time oh i want to kill that guy i fucking hate him i mean like you like if there's a guy in a movie that sucks like he's like you don't like him as an actor you might say oh i want to kill that fucking guy you don't mean it right but is that illegal like if you say that like the president has some stupid thing that he vetoes or something that people don't agree with if you said that it's a common figure of speech but you said that and you did it publicly they could fucking take you in you had a secret service at your house the next day ted nugent said something a couple years ago about obama not say i want to kill him, but he said something.

I forget what the quote was, and the Secret Service was at his house the next day. I think he was saying something to the— Like he's just— Like if Obama gets arrested, he might wind up in jail. Yeah, we're all going to be dead and in jail or something like that. So it wasn't even direct at the president. No, I think he was saying that he might wind up in jail, that Nugent might wind up in jail.

Something like that, yeah. Implying, you know, it could be seen as implying that he would do something, but it's weird, you know. Ted Nugent's not going to kill the president. Stop. You know, he's doing a hunting show. He likes playing guitar.

He's not going to kill the president. And then Ted, of course, he's like, when Secret Service came, they were fans of mine. I played a little concert with them and I gave them my latest CD and stuff. Yeah. He's like, I was going to take them out back in the shooting range, but they didn't want to do it. Have you ever seen him in the helicopters

shooting pigs? No. You gotta see it. You gotta see it. It's one of the greatest things the world has ever known. Ted Nugent in a helicopter shooting wild pigs with a machine gun. Just thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk, thunk. It's the fucking craziest thing ever. They're flying around in Texas in a fucking helicopter.

Him and this dude, they call him Pig Man. So Pig Man and Ted Nugent, and they're circling around these giant packs of pigs and just lighting them up. It's fucked up. You want to see it? Yeah. Here, play it. I love news. Is this it?

This is just talking about the devastation. There's like a whole graphic before the video that shows what these wild pigs do in Texas because they are absolutely devastating to the farms down there. They're out of control. There's so many of them, millions of wild pigs in Texas alone. I mean, it's a fucking infestation. But, like, as you see when you're circling over in a helicopter, you're talking about a huge area.

I mean, Texas is goddamn enormous. And these things are impossible to eradicate because they're smart. So they get together, and they're fucking shooting these things out of helicopters and it's fucking madness you can shoot as many as you want all day long, you shoot them at night, there's no rules you just shoot them I mean it's, like look at this, this is crazy

oh man, this is awful it's awful well it wouldn't be awful if you were hungry and you wanted a pig or if it was your farm the problem is if it's your farm, like, fuck, man. Like, what is a farm then? You know, if they become a threat to people, that's one thing.

But it is really weird that you could just, just because they cost money. Like, they're chewing up people's food. But they're animals. You know, like, that's what they kind of do. Yeah. They're chewing up people's food, but they're animals. That's what they kind of do. Yeah.

It's like you have to manage them. You have to figure out a way to manage the population, but it seems like they can't. It seems like there's just too many of them. They just have to kill them. But doing it that way just seems kind of fucked. Yeah. It seems effective. Put them to sleep and rock them to bed or something like make it like a religious thing

where we bless these pigs instead of shooting them with a machine gun out of a helicopter it's just you know no i don't know i mean look at cats and dogs like we we put cats and dogs to sleep or we try to you know do something for them but like like animals that we need to get over that were over populated with you know we shouldn't be really allowed to just like i don't know torture or you know shoot with a machine gun out of a helicopter i think they're just doing it because it's one of the only ways it's effective i think on the ground you can't get to them doing it from a helicopter is like one of the best ways to do it because they're too smart if you're on the ground you try to get near And they run away they smell things they hear things they don't see very good But they can hear very well, and they smell anything they just bolt what about poisoning

You couldn't poison them because you poison a bunch of other shit, too And you poison the environment and you poison the things that eat the things you poisoned if you poison a pig and the pig gets Eaten by a mountain lion the mountain lion gets poisoned too And the mountain lion could die from the same disease or the same poison. Then you can't have that pig meat, either. Yeah, pig meat goes bad. They just got to figure out a way to keep them from, you know, that's one of the best ways. It's fucked up, but it's one of the best ways to kill them is those helicopter things. Because they can do it in, they can get 100 of them, 200 of them in a day.

They got 450 in one day on that pig man show pigs are so smart though it sucks i don't like when smart animals you know i hear you it's yeah you're right you're right there's they're smart but there is such a big difference between smart animals and smart people there's a giant fucking difference and i wonder what the the variable of like being wild is because like pigs if you're around pigs and they're um they're uh domesticated they're sweet they're really sweet little animals they come over and hang with you they're pretty cool but they are domesticated so it means their experiences none of their experience has been devastating they haven't seen their mother getting killed by a wild mountain lion or something like that.

They haven't seen their brother getting eaten by a bear. You know, they're, they're not living in the wild, just running away from shit all the time. Like a wild pig is they're constantly fed and taken care of. So they have like, it's sort of like people,

you know, people, if you leave people in a wild state, like people, even to this day There's places in the world where people live a far scarier life than we could ever imagine Like every day you're dealing with violence and chaos and danger Those people are they're gonna be a wilder Style of human being than we are you know and I think that's what's going on with these pigs It's like it's kind of fucked that you can eat something that also, if the circumstances

were better, could be your buddy. Yeah, right. Put a hat on that pig and it would be awesome. Yeah. There's definitely something to that. Because it's all about their experiences. If they're growing up in a cage and you just, I mean, we don't even understand their behavior. Because the behavior that we have of pigs is almost all of it is behavior of things that are locked up.

You know, the actual wild behavior of them. They're super hard to watch. It's hard to get close to them. You know, if you try tagging them and releasing them and all, it's a fucking nightmare. They're clever fuckers. It's almost like you could take a shitload of pigs and put it in some kind of like spinning like windmill type things and then we can make them make energy

for us instead or something like that. Right, like give them food in a giant hamster wheel and as they go and chase after the food. Yeah. But you have to make that food. It takes energy to make the food that's going to give them energy. Logically, it wouldn't make sense. Fake food. Unless you have like a super good, very efficient system, where each spin was worth hundreds

of kilowatts of... Right. Well, if the windmill was five miles long, and it's just rows and rows of pigs doing Right, but how much food would you have to give those fucks? You don't have to give them anything. It would be fake food. No, they'd just die. It smelled good.

One dies, then you cut them up and let them eat their friend. You never thought about this at all. They eat the roe in front of them. They're done by roe. Each roe is like a week, so they die and the ones in front of them eat them. Just shut the fuck up. You know, they say that's one of the best, like that movie Snatch, that they say that really is one of the best ways to get rid of a body.

Some guy who was a pig farmer in in I think it was British Columbia was also a serial killer and he would throw the bodies into the pigs die and the pigs would just destroy them really don't eat everything they eat everything shit out the teeth it's about it everything else gets done they chew through the bones everything Wow yeah they're monsters it's crazy this girl I met recently she collects teeth and it's crazy. This girl I met recently, she collects teeth. And all the teeth have a story.

I know. Run! All the teeth have a story. Like, this is my friend Jeff's tooth, or this is the girl's tooth that I met on a subway or whatever. And she says she likes to throw them in her bed and sleep with the teeth

so when she wakes up, it looks like teeth marks are all over her body. Let me open your mouth. Let me see if you're missing any. Jesus Christ. And when are you guys getting married? You moving in yet? No. You still got your wisdom teeth?

Yeah. No, I got rid of them. Yeah, because she'd be like, well, I might as well get them out. There's always going to be someone new out there that surprises you even more. What do you think? You got it all figured out. Is she hot at least? Oh, she's super hot. And she has got it all figured out. She hot at least oh, she's super high And she has all these other skulls like she has monkey skulls cat skulls like her whole house is just skulls And then she has jars so healthy yeah

It was like a fresh one like I had some some meat on it I mean grosses might pay to dude on Craigslist to pull it You see her two feet on his shoulders fucking pair pliers Fucking periscope chicks are crazy screaming. She haven't hooked up with her. No, no, I'm not going to freak me out good for you So how about this standards n double ACP lady from Spokane, Washington? That pretended to be black. This is not real life. This is like simulation theory and somebody hacked and is playing a joke on us. How did she get away with it that long? I don't know.

It's a fucking good question. Her parents outed her, apparently. Did you look at her look in her eye when the reporter goes? Oh, yes. You could see where everything just popped in her eye. She realized, oh, no, I've been found. There's a picture of a before and after with her. And the before was when she was identifying as white.

She's transracial. When she was identifying as white, she had freckles and blonde hair. And then all of a sudden, she's got that orange tan thing going on and like legit legit like black woman Permy looking hair like she got her hair permed. She looks like that waitress at the comedy store I mean wow, I would that's and she she you would teach

She taught at a university level African Studies How does no one know her from her past i could besides her parents coming out and saying that like this apparently uh her parents had adopted a bunch of brothers and sisters that were black i think was that what it was four brothers and sisters that were black and so somewhere along the line she appropriated like that they were her family and that she's black. And she started calling one of them her son or something. Oh, boy.

Definitely hot or black, though. Yeah. That's a new trend. She looks hot on the right, but that can't be her for real. That's some Photoshop shit going on. The whole thing is very, very strange. It's really strange. But here's what's even stranger.

Apparently, look at her hair. Wonderful. Apparently, out of the founding people, I think there was 14 founding people of the NAACP, 10 of them were white. There was a lot of white people involved in the NAACP. And maybe this is good about what happens here. Not that this lady's crazy and she's pretending to be black

but maybe it's good that the conversation gets brought up and people realize that like a Racial equality movement doesn't have to be all black people and wasn't all black people Yeah, if it like there's in there like her race doesn't have anything to do with how good she is They're like she's really good at her job She's like really into black people. That's what it is. That's what it is. Nothing wrong with that.

Some people are really into French history. Some people are, you know what I'm saying? She's like top wig. Wait, what's the new word? You can still say that? You can still say wigger. Okay. Top wig.

Top wigger. They haven't stolen it from us yet. They haven't robbed us of wigger. It's so weird. The whole thing is wonderful. it's wonderful this lady's wonderful But meanwhile apparently she was good at her job and the NAACP they were actually saying hair there Yeah, she went full you got cat yarn on her head She tried to figure it out like a bunch of different ways of doing it

That's when she was like I'm gonna get found if I keep dying my hair black and putting that fucking spray tape Yeah, so it's gonna call me. Why are my sheets orange? Hold up. The whole thing is amazing. It's amazing. Eyebrows on fleek. She sued school.

What? What? NAACP imposter sued school over race claims. Oh my god. She masqueraded as black, once sued Howard University for denying her teaching posts and a scholarship because she was a white woman. The smoking gun is learned. Whoa. I'm older than her. Whoa, I'm older than her Wow She Graduated from the historically black college with the Masters of Fine Arts degree. That's so interesting So in 2002 she sued to school that is so interesting and she was teaching somewhere else, right?

Was she teaching there where she teaches somewhere else, But she was teaching like African related courses. She's just really into Africa. Imagine, but let's put yourself in her shoes. I'm not saying that transracial is real. Okay? I'm not saying you should be able to just identify with a different race. But if you could, she would be a really good argument for it.

Right? Okay. She's got black people in her family that she loves dearly right she maybe identifies with them she went to an all-black college she was teaching african studies and she was running the fucking naacp i mean if anybody could be transracial that lady was kicking ass at it. Absolutely. You gotta say. I'm fucking impressed with what she's done. Her love of African people, of black people, has let her do an amazing job in several areas. Right?

I want to see what her Facebook page looks like. How does a boyfriend or somebody that she dated not come out and say something? Like, look, this chick is really... They might not know. She's this chick is really they might not know Really? No, no, but you know what you don't see her in the morning when she's gonna put more makeup on and shit Hi to you. No, I think the fucking curtain in her house is closed like Dracula She kicks you out at night like I can't sleep with anybody you gotta go I'm like the greatest chick ever sleep with her as soon you leave, you hear the compressors of her tan machine.

She's fucking spraying herself with a big airbrush can like she's fucking detailing a Chevelle. She had to have gotten spray tanned. Oh, a hundred fucking thousand percent. There was a spray tanner somewhere that knew her secret. You know, that had to bring over the big umbrella thing. The extra jug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, this is, like, don't they have a better way of doing that now? How do they do that? They still make you stand and spray you? To make it realistic, that's the best way. I mean, you have the rub-on kind and stuff like that, but you can't usually get it even enough unless you really, if you just spent all day doing it. How weird are we, not we, because I haven't done it, I don't think you're doing it, that people are going and getting

fucking spray tanned. I mean, that is so insane. You're going and you're getting dye sprayed all over your body. It stinks, too. It's just fucking weird. It's just weird. And it wears off in like a day or two days or whatever it is. You can get the abs sprayed on it, though. You can? Yeah.

Oh, that's so retarded. It's so retarded. do people not have time to lay in the sun anymore for an hour or two maybe you live in seattle yeah there's no room i did i just know from girls that you're like oh i have to photo shoot tomorrow so i have to get spray tan because i can't tan all day today and just you know it's a timing thing yeah i get it and it's also a skin cancer thing some chicks don't want to get skin cancer you know standing out in the sun

is not good for you apparently which is fucked because you need the sun for vitamin D vitamin D you need vitamin D yeah

the fuck I don't put sunscreen on I'm out I don't give a shit you're an animal look at you you don't give a fuck you're doing it in spurts

little spots you don't go out there for eight hours at a time. I used to landscape with no fucking shirt on. I just did it till I can have a tan. Yeah. Like a chick. That's what everybody did back then.

Yeah. Nobody wore sunscreen when we were kids. We put oil on. We put oil on. We did the opposite. We got that oil. Baby oil. Yeah, baby oil.

Put baby oil on. Especially in, like, Massachusetts. Your summer's a week long. You got to get it in while you can Yeah absolutely I went up two notches on a scale of one to ten if I had a tan I went from like a four to a six So I had like a three month window where I was a six

I had to try to clean up When you're young especially You're fucking making moves You're like do I wear the chain? Should I wear the chain? Hmm What about cologne? They like it

You should probably try it Dracar That's a big one With a chain? Hmm. What about cologne? They like it. You should probably try it. Dracar. Dracar. Yeah, I had that shit. Dracar Noir, right? And polo. The green polo.

Yeah, the green polo was good. I had that shit, too. You know what was a fucking standby? Old Spice, goddamn it. I still use Old Spice. It's a dad thing. Old Spice aftershave. Old Spice was good. Especially if you didn't shower, you didn't have time, and you just throw it on.

Throw a little Old Spice on. Yeah. Take you didn't shower, you didn't have time, and you just throw it on. Throw a little Old Spice on. Yeah. Take Dad's kit, you bought him. Did you hear about that fucking guy that cut some dude's throat? He was one of those straight rager shaver dudes in a barbershop. Oh, no. He just sliced this dude's throat and ran away. Oh, no.

They caught him. They apparently had a history of mental illness. Didn't even know the guy whose throat he cut. Just slashed this fucking guy's throat. Oh, shit. Yeah, the guy lived. They apparently had a history of mental illness. Didn't even know the guy whose throat he cut. Just slashed this fucking guy's throat. Oh, shit. Yeah, the guy lived. Guy's going to be okay. Didn't do a good job of thrashing his throat.

Missed the big artery or maybe he was able to plug it up, whatever the guy did. But fucking A, man. That's like the number one thing that everybody's worried about with those fucking straight razors. You know, what would happen if I just randomly got a nut and this nut decided to cut my throat? That's why I go to Dollar Shave Club, Joe. Look at this. Sentenced a barber Thursday to 10 years in prison for

inexplicably slashing a customer's throat during a haircut and shave before pedaling away on his bike. U.S. Navy Petty Officer Timothy Vaughn, 33, was at Vick's Barbershop in Imperial Beach, just south of San Diego, for a haircut in October

when barber Daniel Roberto Flores calmly slashed a straight razor across Vaughn's throat twice. Whoa. Mr. Flores waited until people left the room. Deputy District Attorney Laura Evans said he insisted on

trimming the victim's beard. He said, I could cut your throat. And then he did. Jesus Christ. I want to know what was leading up to that, though. Was the guy being a dick? You know, that petty officer? Was he just being a jerk the whole time?

He said his training as a medic kicked in. The guy whose throat got cut and allowed him to save his own life despite severe injury and blood loss. Sid spent hundreds of hours in physical therapy, surgery, and psychiatric treatment trying to recover. Fucking A, man. Damn. They didn't know each other. There was no conflict or argument before the attack. That's so crazy.

That's only 10 years in jail. How's that guy going to get fixed? What, are they going to let him out in five if he doesn't kill anybody? How's that going to go? Like, anybody who does that, you need to kill that person. You don't put him in jail for 10 years. Are you out of your mind? Put him in field in Texas and let Ted Nugent get a helicopter and shoot at him.

Shoot at the pigs. Take them down to where Ted Nugent's shooting those pigs. Shoot them in the kneecaps. Just let the pigs eat them. Fuck you. I'd rather watch that. Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you.

You can't just do that. You can't get out of jail in 10 years. That's crazy. 10 years is not that much time. 10 years ago was 2005. That's not enough time to go to jail for trying to kill someone with a straight razor. That'll probably be out in eight. Fuck that. That's ridiculous.

Did you watch Jeff Ross's roast of the criminals? No, I did not. I heard it was awesome. I haven't seen it. I heard it was great, though. I love the fact that he did it. I want to talk to him about it, because he wrote a really good thing for the Huffington Post the other day about the system, about the penal system. I'm not understanding it once you get inside of it

and see how fucked up and nightmarish it is. The girls were pretty hot in there. Really? Yeah, there was a few really hot ones. No shit. Yeah, it was kind of weird. I would imagine there's a lot of crazy bitches that are hot and fuck up and do something stupid and wind up getting locked up. That makes sense. Why would you think that

girls in prison wouldn't be hot? I know. Because, I mean, how many crazy girls do crazy girls have I dated that were one step away from being in jail? Oh, yeah. You could have gotten a few of them arrested if you really knew it. I have one that just got out after nine months, like a nine and a half on a scale of one to ten. Wow, motherfucker. Hot, though? Yeah.

Oh, that's all right. Yeah, you get them to the point where they're ready to kill you yeah, and then somehow or another you escape with your life Sucks, but if there was a fucking camera on the wall. Oh, there's drop cams everywhere nowadays Joe I got that shit cured god damn dude. I don't know what you're doing. Everybody gets mad at you. Not doing enough, I guess. Whatever it is. Do you usually have crazy girls in your life, Jim? Oh, yeah.

He's a comic. Yeah. Mostly? My whole life. Your whole life. Pretty much, yeah. Was there one that was most crazy? Like, was there a good story to it?

A million of them. I'm trying to think. But yeah, you're always attracted to it. Yeah. I always wanted the crazy one after the show. Sure. Dancing on top of the bar, whipping her tits out. Yeah, that's the one that's going to be fun.

Yeah. Woo-hoo. But depending upon how crazy the personality is. I met a gypsy the other day. And remember we talked about gypsies recently? I think we were singing this Cher song. Yeah. But she's a gypsy and she doesn't have a house. Gypsies a house no what does that mean she just goes from one millionaire's house to another millionaire's house she's a millionaire

gypsy girl yeah wow she just hangs out she's like yeah i just hang out at my pools and stuff there are girls that are like that there's guys i know a guy who's like that he's always like he's an older gentleman he's got quite a's always like he's an older gentleman and he's got quite a bit of money he's in his 60s he's never been married and uh he'll invite like really hot chicks to stay at his place and they live with him all the time like he's always got like some new nutty 10 that's living with him and i'm like what do you are you fucking him he's like wow i'm trying i'm like jesus christ like But he would bring them in. And that was the thing.

He would buy them stuff, get them cars, and they could live with them. And he would try. He was really mismatched because he's not a good-looking fellow. So he would bring them in, and they would live with them. And he tried super-duper hard to get it. Sometimes you get it, but oftentimes it would just be a disaster. He couldn't get laid, and he's paying for everything And they're living with I would do it I would have a new guy rule, but I wouldn't buy them cars and stuff, but they can just crash there

No guy rule. I can't bring guys over no guys. Yeah, sometimes, you know, it sounds like a sugar daddy thing I had this stripper I used to date she had a sugar daddy and she would just buy him all the shit by her all The shit which is great cuz I don't have to buy it And then I got to the point where I go, you know what? Maybe he should start getting me some shit because I'm letting her go out. He's trying to fuck her, obviously. So then I'm like, well, I remember it was a VCR. I'm like, well, get me a VCR because I don't want to put up with this shit.

And then she'd come on with a VCR. It's like, I need a VCR. I'm like, beautiful. I actually went on a date with them in a limo and pretended I was the guy friend and bad mouthed myself for an hour in front of this guy. He's like, you know that boyfriend of hers? I go, yeah, he's a real dick. Oh, my God.

And we went to a mall, and I picked out like 20 CDs he bought me. And I think he bought me like a, I forget what it was, like a Walkman at the time or something like that. I'm like, yeah, I'll take one. And I'd be like, sure, you seem like a good dude. Just fucking bad mouth. And the guy's holding her hand in the limo, and I'm just sitting there like the friend. I'm like, I don't give a shit. I'm getting CDs.

Oh, that's hilarious. That's a strong pimp move. I tried to get a TV, but he wasn't going for it. See, a lot of these guys that rock it like this, the reason why they have to is because of prostitution laws. If prostitution was legal, there's a lot of these

older creepazoid dudes that are just out there trying to make it happen. It's just tough action, you know, unless you're paying for it. Very tough to get someone to love you for who you are, like if you have these really high standards

and you're gross. Yeah. But if you've got a ton of cash and prostitution's legal, if they just made prostitution legal in America, you'd have exactly the same amount of hoes. Okay? Exactly the same. Listen to me. They're not going to you'd have exactly the same amount of hoes. Okay? Exactly the same.

Listen to me. They're not going to, more people are not going to be hoes. Hoes are hoes already. They're just, they're doing it in weird ways. And maybe it'd be better if prostitution was legal so you found out exactly who the hoes are. Safer. Tax it. Tax it.

Apple Pay. Exactly. Amazon OneClick. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. Apple Pay. Exactly. Amazon OneClick. Right. There's nothing wrong with it. It's just sex. Is it okay to get a massage? Yes.

It's okay to pay someone to suck your dick. It just is. Yes. It should be. And these guys shouldn't have to move these fucking girls in. Buy them cars. It's rude. Buy the guy friends VCRs.

They shouldn't have to do that. I felt bad. I'm figuring he's trying to bang my chick. Right. So at least I should get some gifts out of it. Now, how did you wind up ending this whole relationship? You know, it was a stripper. I mean, with him.

No, they just... How'd you guys get him out of your life? It seems like you would want some return for his investment. No, because he was juggling like three different ones. And he just never. I think he was fucking one, but he wanted to fuck all three. Of course. And my chick had boundaries. That's hilarious.

Well, she said when I wasn't around. She said, no way, I'm not going to sleep with him. That's hilarious. He bought her tits, too. She wanted me to buy her tits for like four grand. I'm like, I'm not buying your tits. And he bought her tits? Yeah, he bought her tits. Holy shit. Oh, yeah. Did you guys go to dinner with this guy? Yeah, we went to dinner just that night.

I only met him that one time. Oh, okay. I'd be at the bar, though, because the sugar daddy always comes in the strip club and sits there. And all the girls come out. I was right across the bar just sitting there just watching this guy. I'm like, I'm fucking that tonight. Keep giving her money. Oh, that's so weird.

She's taking me to dinner. She's taking me to dinner later with that money. That's so crazy. You're that guy when people always talk about strippers crazy boyfriends. That's you. Yeah. You're the quintessential one. And I was cutting lawns at the time. I was making like eight bucks

an hour and this guy's probably making like 300 grand a year. So that's pimping. You're technically pimping. Yeah. In a way. Not full on pimping, but that's pretty pimpish. Respect in a way you know I mean not full-on pimpin, but that's pretty pimp ish Respect I really needed a bcr. Yeah, I did I just I Respect that hustle. I've done the same stuff. I've added things to when I dated Veronica Ricci

I added things to her Amazon wish list like Xbox games and stuff Xbox games and stuff. This is a new world. This is a world of Amazon wish lists where girls can say, I want you to buy me stuff. Like they have a list where you go and you can just buy their shit. Go buy them shit.

And they go, oh my God, thank you so much. Really? Thank you so much, Jim Florentine. This jacket is amazing. It's everything I wanted. It's just so nice to have fans like you. You're the best fans in the world. Thank you Kim Congdon. Just got the next box one Somebody bought her an Xbox one Only comic with a wish list no no no I got wish list

I tell everyone I little Esther has one and I used to have one Not I have a death squad one that had like I used to have one But the death squad studio one which was like I need this mic stand and stuff like that people would buy it yeah it's cool Wow but little Esther would have one and I would have access to her wish list when I dated her so I'd add all these like black dildos and stuff to it and like and she would go on the podcast guys I have an Amazon wish list please give me something and she didn't know I added all this shit to it. So she was just getting sent vibrators and anal beads.

And she's like, what's going on? Did she get upset or was she happy in the long run? She used them all, I'm sure. Beautiful. Yeah. So guy comics do this too? No, I've never heard of a guy comic. Oh, yeah.

Guys have wish lists. Who? Comic? Yeah, you can look up anybody that has a wish list. Guys have wish lists. Who? Comic? Yeah, you can look up anybody who has a wish list, really, nowadays. Dude, guy comics that have a wish list. Name one. Wow. That's what we're talking about.

Tom Segura. Are you too high to have a conversation right now? Tom Segura. Does he? I'm sure he does. Does he? Come on. I'll find one for you.

Yeah, find if it's Tom Segura. I highly doubt it. I highly doubt it. I highly doubt it. I bet Bert Kreischer has one, too. No. I don't think any of them have wish lists. Wish lists where they want you to buy them shit? Maybe.

That's weird. That's weird. Like a struggling comic that has got no money. He's like, hey, if I can get some, whatever, if I need something, maybe. But someone that's established. There's no reason for that. I can't even see a struggling comic doing it. What would you want someone to buy you?

What are you doing? Tires for your car. The relationship the girl has when she puts up with those Amazon wish list things. The relationship is like, look, this is a box where you can mail me shit. All you have to do is just go through the electronic things right here Press this click that and I'll get some shit some money will be missing, but you're not gonna notice that Well, you are gonna notice the fact that I'm gonna go. Oh my god. Thank you These are exactly the shoes that I wanted and I was saving up for them. So it meant so much to me

That's all they need. Yeah Absolutely that's all they need. Yeah. Absolutely. It's like, yeah, I bought her shoes. Thank you, Jim Florentine. I have them on now. Yeah, they do a lot of that, right?

Tom Skura has one. He has a wish list? Yeah. Where he's asking people to buy him shit? Please read the list. I am shocked. He's got Last Man Standing

on DVD. I'm asking him right now if he's at home. He's got Red State, Grass. He's got a bunch Standing on DVD. I'm asking him right now. He's got Red State, Grass. He's got a bunch of movies, A Survival's Tale. Wait, this is what he wants from people? I think so. I mean, it's just his wish list.

It's not like, like a lot of people have wish lists, but I don't think they like pimp them out. Like, hey, you know, here's my wish list. Buy me something. It's more of like things that they want to get eventually, I think. I'm asking him, do you have an Amazon wish list? If so, lose my number. Yeah, actually, he has a few of them, it looks like. He has a few of them?

Yeah, let me see if Joey Diaz has one. Joey Diaz does not have a wish list. I bet he does. It's all shit his wife wants That wish list thing is very strange What's going to be way stranger Is that within two or three decades We're not even going to have to go to the store

To buy shit Everything will be sent to you through the internet Or it's going to be 3D printed That's going to be the vast majority. You think so? Fuck yeah. I mean, as long as it makes sense, like, size-wise. Like, you couldn't 3D print a table this big in the machines that most people are going to have in their houses.

But I really believe that there's going to be a time in our lives where people are going to be making most of the stuff. That they're going to download instructions and have a fucking printer in their house that prints it. Just like it prints an image, they're going to be able to do that with actual three-dimensional things, like with high certainty. Did you know that, did you see that new printer where it's like a liquid-based printer where it doesn't, it prints different. It's a different kind of 3D printer technology that they just made where it actually comes from the bottom.

And they use like an air. So like it pulls the item out of like a liquid. It's badass. Yeah, there's a few different methods they use. Different ways of heating the little particles, those little pellets that they use. It's a bunch of different methods of doing it. But apparently they're saying that like what we're seeing is the infancy. This is like the Model Ts of these fucking things.

Just like old printers. You remember those printers? It was super slow and shitty and it was blocky. It never really looked like you would go dark at the top and the bottom would be light. They were dog shit. Dot matrix printer. Now you can get these fucking printers that print photographs on photograph quality paper and it looks like an HD photo. You're like,

holy shit, I'm looking at like a really nice photograph. And you can print it off of a home computer printer. It's fucking nuts. Well, they're going to have that with this 3D shit. They're going to have 3D objects and you're going to just need the raw materials. You're going to have like a jug of aluminum and you know, a big fucking thing of all the different minerals that you're going to just need the raw materials. You're going to have a jug of aluminum and

a big fucking thing of all the different minerals that you're going to need to create these things. And then the computer is going to figure out where to put everything. It's going to be nuts. It's going to be really weird. Real weird. Then they're going to be able to do it with biology. That's when shit's going to get real weird.

If technology continues where they can manipulate biology, and they're pretty close to being able to do that now. They're doing weird different things. They're splicing different genes and shutting off different genes. If they do that, and then that becomes so commonplace that it starts getting its hand somehow or another in the public, the public gets a hand on it,

and the public can manipulate their own DNA. you can have your own build a pet like you have a machine we can build a pet People are gonna make like half polar bear have fucking hawk things. I mean Just imagine how fucking bizarre once people can actually manipulate life and create like their own versions of animals and shit It's gonna be chaos. Yeah, you just choose the the perfect puppy like I want animals and shit, it's going to be chaos. You just choose the perfect puppy. I want a Shih Tzu, but I want to have that black on the back and a white in the front. It just prints it out and it comes to life

immediately. And if some asshole uses it wrong, can you imagine if you're hanging out in your house and the next door neighbor's house explodes with baboons? These baboons are running out of his house. You're like, this fucking asshole and his printer. He's making these fucking baboons, full-grown baboons. He prints them out.

And they just come tumbling out of some chamber that he's got in his basement. That's not a... I mean, they're going to be able to do some weird shit in a thousand years. Think about a thousand years ago, the best shit you had was a horse. That's the best thing. That wagon behind the horse, I mean, that's okay if you had some shit you had was a horse that's the best thing that wagon behind the horse i mean that's okay if you had some shit you had to pull around yeah but the horse was the way you got around the idea that you could fly a plane like if you could go back to the 1200s and tell them about air travel how easy it is to get to paris how easy it is like in a day

you could be in china they'd be like what the fuck are you even talking about, man? But yeah, you get in a tube and it flies to the air. Shut the fuck up. Just stop. That's what it's going to be like for us. A thousand years from now, what they're going to be able to do with bodies and with electronics and what they're going to be able to do with technology, it's going to make...

We're living in the cave era. We're living in some bizarre static world that we can't manipulate. And that's going to seem ridiculous to people in the future. Will they be able to cure cancer? There's not going to be any diseases. There won't be any. No.

So people will live to whatever age. I can't imagine. I think there's going to come a point in time, if you just follow the curve, right? Go back from how quickly people died of illnesses a thousand years ago. How most illnesses that came along that were pretty severe they'd have a big impact like you you could easily lose 20% of the population of your city and some sort of a plague and they had a bunch of those the bunch of plagues they had plagues that wiped out 60 70 percent of the population and they're just insane

plagues that doesn't really happen anymore okay so just think about the all the different medications that scientists have come up with all the different treatments for diseases that medical biology is constantly evolving and getting better at figuring out a way to detect things early and This would be safer time to be like a person who needs medical assistance now than ever before ever in human history bar Far that's not even not even a remote comparison, right? like a person who needs medical assistance now than ever before ever in human history by far there's not even not even a remote comparison right well if that keeps going where's it going it's getting better they're getting better at fixing bodies they're getting better at fixing bodies and eventually there's going to be genetic manipulation when those two things combine it's

like the only thing that's going to kill you is trauma the only thing that's going to kill people is like accidents and things that they can't fix. That's what's gonna kill people They're gonna get some heart attacks. They're gonna get to a point where they can fix all that shit They're gonna be able to reintroduce different genes into your body So they'll be able to introduce different genes to your heart that make your heart work different They have this fucking shit that they're working on that spider silk. It's it's an artificial human skin. That's a hybrid with spider silk It's gonna be bulletproof. They're gonna have bulletproof human skin if this works Holy shit exactly like what they're gonna be able to do a thousand years from now is outside of the realm of anyone's imagination

The the history that we study today when you study Alexander the Great, when you study Genghis Khan, if you had to go back in time that far, the way they lived, you would still kind of understand it. You know, you'd still, we understand the way they live. We understand that they rode around on horseback. They got their water from the river. They had to hunt for their food. They had no refrigeration. There's constant war and struggle.

We understand that. They still seem like people. But what they're going to be a thousand years from now is going to be nuts. It's going to be fucking bananas. Everyone's going to be 20 years old. There's going to be no disease. And we're going to be freaks.

They're going to be able to manipulate your genes so you could be like a half eagle person. You could run around with feathers growing off your dick. That's not outside the realm of possibility. Things are going to get real. If you have today, right, people, you're allowed to go, and you should be, you're allowed to go to any one of those body modification places and they put fucking plates in your forehead and stretch your ears out

and cut your lips off or whatever nutty shit you want to do. Why not? Let them do it. Who cares? But if you want to be like a half-ego person, ooh, what? You're going to grow talons? You're going to be half-ego person. Like, we don't even know.

Should you be able to live in a city now? That's going to happen. Half-ego people are going to be a reality. So what happens to all the pharmaceutical companies with all their, with no more sickness and all that other stuff? It's 20% of our... Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God.

The lip window. Whoa, that's rough. Oh, my God. Is that real? Yeah. Oh, my God. That guy's got a hole in the side of his face, like a second mouth, and he sticks his tongue through it.

Oh, my God. That's crazy. Oh, Jesus Christ. How did they drink Kool-Aid? It just comes out their mouth? I guess they have to use a straw. They must have to drink everything with a straw. Imagine watching that dummy eat.

Blowjob squirts right back at you. What is that one in the group down there with the tattoo? What is going on with him? Oh my Jesus Christ. Holy shit. What is going on with him? Oh my Jesus Christ? Holy shit What is he doing? Look at this nose as these giant holes his nostrils

He's had holes not in the bottom where the nostril hole is but on the sides holes created and then stretched way out the size of a quarter so you can see right into his nasal cavity and then he's got those enormous ear stretchy things which i've gotten pretty used to they're so normal now and he's got tattoos all over his face and his side of his head and his eyebrows and jesus fuck dude what happened i know who did you wrong son somebody remember simpler times where you just had it on the left side, you weren't gay. The right side, you were gay. That's all it was.

Did anyone that you knew when you were growing up have a facial piercing? Never. No. No, right? I can't think of anybody. No, we had hoops or not hoops. But, I mean, did you meet anyone that even had a nose ring? When did you meet someone with a nose ring?

Nose ring was college, about 93. Yeah, that's when I saw a chick start. And then guys, too, yeah. I'm trying to figure it out when I saw my first nose ring. Joe, didn't you have your belly button pierced? No, it was my dick. I was going to have it connected to my belly button with like a chain.

Like a wallet chain. Did you have an earring? I had two in my left ear. So I had two in the left, yeah. You couldn't put it in the right. I had a fake diamond that I would wear and a gold hoop. Yep, a gold hoop. It's just pictures of it.

Joe, I saw you on Ariane's Instagram wearing the extensions. That was so hilarious. Yeah, I put some of my hair on. That was funny as fuck. I think that was actually Megan O'Leavy, the broadcaster, interviewer. Yeah, I think it was her hair. I don't know whose hair it was. One of those chicks.

That's so funny. You needed the earrings, though. It helped with getting the chicks. Yeah. I had long hair, so it was always covered. My dad didn't like it, so I'd take them out when I wasn't around. But he couldn't see it anyway because my hair was really long. You need some peacock feathers, man.

But Bon Scott from ACDC had an earring in each ear. So then you're like, wait a minute. Me too. So some guys would go with both. Like, hey, I'm not, you know, because if it was in the right ear, that meant you were gay. But if you had them both, it's like, well, Bon Scott had them in both, so I can have them in both. That's a bold move. I know, it was.

The both. Eddie Bravo used to do it. I do both also. I could still do it in both. They're both still, they haven't grown together yet. How dare you. It's so weird. Yeah, it's a weird thing.

What you're allowed, but it's weird weird. Yeah, it's a weird thing. That's my experience. What you're allowed. But it's weird what you're allowed to and not allowed to. Like, I'm not allowed, me personally, I'm not allowed to hang out with anybody that has eyebrow piercings. If you're a dude and you have eyebrow piercings, I look at my rules and I go, oh, look, I'm so sorry. But I have rules. I don't hang out with any dudes who have eyebrow piercings. I gotta go.

I like that rule. That's fair enough. But it's different. Like Cara Santa Maria, who is our friend, is awesome. She's got a lip ring. And normally I look at people with lip rings. I'm like, what is that dumb shit about? I got metal coming out of your face.

But she could pull it off. Like it just depends on the individual. I don't even notice that she has a lip ring. It just seems a part of her she's so smart and interesting to talk to it doesn't really kind of affect how you think of her but a lot of people like you meet a girl with a lip ring like listen crazy what's going on with your face huh what do you got there three ring binder coming out of your fucking lip i don't like the pussy pierce because i feel like i'm gonna tear it or rip it or something and then it just, I don't like it.

That's a strong statement too when a girl gets her pussy pierced. Yeah, I've had a couple. It doesn't really do anything. I know. It's a cap down. Woo, what are you doing down there? Why are you adding hardware? This one chick had a little barbell.

Was she lifting weights with her pussy? Well, some girls will do kegels you know I mean that's essentially like doing some Bruce Lee dynamic tension exercises for your pussy she could masturbate by just tying a kite to it you know Bruce Lee's do that Bruce Lee's to fucking he's to do these exercise where he just tensed up girls do that that with their pussy. It works, too. Well, there's a woman in Russia that can carry weight. She has the world record for the amount of weight that she can carry with her pussy. Like, she shoves something up her pussy, clamps down on it, and she can lift weights.

Like, I'm talking, like, fucking heavy weight, like 50, 60 pounds for her pussy. Yeah, it's like a vice grip in there. This is a Russian woman. I wouldn't want my cock in there. Yes, you probably wouldn't. First of all, you wouldn't because you wouldn't want to put your cock in the pussy of a woman who's been practicing something like this. Like, what is wrong

with her? She's not just practicing it. She's entering contests. It's not like she's at home in the privacy of her own home. She's got some stuff stuck in her pussy and she's dangling. It's like a noodle or something. So she's got it in between her legs.

Okay. So she holds the world record for the amount of weight that she can carry. I don't know if it's her. Is this her? It's all in Russia. Oh, so now she's got an actual physical weight that she's hanging from her pussy. This is insane. Look at this.

She's picking up this heavy weight with her, was he? Oh, my God. Ain't nobody got time for this. She's just letting you know that she will fuck the life out of you. Yeah, don't come near me. She's letting you know. If she gets a hold of you with that super pussy,

she's going to lock on to you, and you're going to have to use 50, 60 pounds of force just to get away from her. That's a fucking statement. That's one you just try for anal first. Go right to the ass. Yeah, just go right to the ass. I like this better and then we'll get to the pussy.

Could you imagine what kind of ass power she has? And everyone has ass power. Right. People are used to clenching in shits, holding in farts. You know, that's a common thing. But I don't know, how common is it for girls to actually work on tightening their pussy? Have you had a girl ever squeeze her asshole muscle while you're

in her asshole before? No. It's cool. No, I never did either. Try it. They were just mad I was in there. They were clenching their fists. It's weird. I'm sure. She's trying to shit you out. She's trying to cut my dick turn. It's an analogy for your whole life. I went through this part where this girl was

trying, I dated for a long period of time, was mad at me so for a month she wouldn't let me have vagina sex, I could only have butt sex. And you think that sounds awesome, but after like the third day, it's just awful. But that was one thing that she would do all the time. That was her punishment? Yeah, it was a horrible punishment. You think that's a great punishment?

That's a horrible punishment. Why was it horrible? Because you don't want to have sex more than three times. You're like, all right, I'm done. I don't want this anymore. So she was trying to play some sort of psychological game? Just give you the ass, and then you will never ask for the ass again? Right.

Hmm. That's the kind of girls that date Brian. That's how they think. Did it work? Yeah, I don't like it anymore, man. It was horrible. And then she'd do that squeezy thing. She'd do that squeezy thing.

And it just feels like there's something else in there. It's just too tight. It's too sharp corners. It's like the Samsung edge. How many girls do you think actually work on that, do those Kegels? Is that a common thing? Yeah, especially yoga girls, definitely.

Yoga girls? Yeah. Because they're just tightening their pussy all the time in yoga? And there's exercises you could do when you're're just sitting you could also use those balls and stuff But dudes can do that too, right? That's those um for Kama Sutra, you know the different strategies of what's that type of? What is that type of? Tantric thank you. Well, you're supposed to hold in your come a lot supposed to have orgasm. I edge all the time

Yeah, you have reg is are you supposed to hold in your cum? You're not supposed to have orgasms? I edge all the time, Joe. You ever edge? You're supposed to like just hold, hold, hold, hold. You're supposed to keep it inside of you. And if you can hold it tight enough, apparently you internally orgasm. Internally. I don't know what that means. I guess you have the same feeling, but it's more intense, but you don't cum.

So you're probably also an idiot by the time the third week rolls around. Right. All you're thinking about is how fucking horny you are every way you go, like, Jesus Christ, because you haven't cum in three, four weeks. It's a terrible idea. That's what people used to do when they didn't have cable. You know, they would practice different ways

to hold in their cum just to make life more interesting. Just hurry up and cum and watch Game of Thrones. Just get in there. I'd rather let it just slide out for a second and go, oh, sorry. Give me a second. I think I heard someone's at the door so I could regroup. I'm not going to hold it in. You're going to clench down.

That muscle's so weak. Even if you lift weights, you could have the best grip. You give a guy a fucking manly handshake. How are you, bud? Nice to meet you? Could be a stud, but that muscle that controls your dick every guy's got this weak just fucking lazy

It gets tired and fatigued easy like you can clamp your jaw shut for a fucking hour you get fucking You clamp your dick. Try to squeeze down your dick for 20 seconds. You're ready to black out. It's just such a weak muscle. Like right now, try to squeeze your dick muscle. Can't keep doing it.

I have no endurance on my dick squeeze muscle. I wonder if you practice it, would it really get to a point where you could be like the male equivalent to that lady that carries bricks in her pussy? What is this? How can men do Kegel exercises? Why would they do that? Halfway through urination, try to stop or slow the flow of urine.

I can do that. Yeah. That's possible, but it's not fun. No. Don't tense the muscles in your buttocks, leg, or abdomen, and don't hold your breath. When you can slow or stop the flow of urine, you've successfully located these muscles. Okay, so don't tense the muscles in your buttocks, legs, or abdomen, and don't hold your breath. Okay.

So you have to figure out how to stop the pee from the middle. Instead of squeezing your butt, like, if you had to stop peeing in the middle of peeing, you would clamp your butt shut, you would squeeze down your dick, and you would try to stop the stream. What they're saying is, don't tense the muscles in your butt, your legs, or your abdomen, and don't hold your breath. That you could actually just develop a squeeze that could stop pee from coming out without without moving anything else, but your dick muscles Can't believe we're talking about this. Can you flick your dick up and hit your belly like like it's hard

Can you like flick it we're gonna ask? Really ridiculous questions are stupid fuck now. Can you do that? Can you move your dick? Who knows Brian? No one's sitting around moving their dick Without your hands. Yeah, just flick it up what you can't sitting around moving their dick you know what I'm without your hands Yeah, yeah, just flick it up. What you can't do it. Yeah, you know my balls way mine down So it's not gonna go up. Yeah, I could flick it I could just like sit there and just be like if it's hard I could just go like flick night and flip my stomach everybody can do that dude. He's just said he can't

Just know you're talking about and so ridiculous He's like I can whistle like remember when you're five and your friend first learned how to whistle I can whistle could you whistle? Everybody can fucking whistle alright, dude Yeah I could smack my belly every guy every guy who has a hard-on can do that if your dick gets hard you tense it up It hits your stomach. That's how it's designed You're like my mouth shuts when I want to Close my mouth. I just do this I close it. But you didn't even know how to do that.

Can you flip a grape in your mouth? What? You like flip it. You put a grape on the head of your dick. And then flip it up. You do that. I can do that. You've never done that.

I've done that. Definitely done that. You've done that. You put a grape on your dick and flipped it in your mouth. I don't believe you. No, I didn't get it in my mouth. I said try to flip it How far does it go up? First of all

I don't believe that at all because I believe that if you did start it and you got close to your mouth you would keep Flipping into your face and just disagreeing with me so I'll show you No, Joe. I can do it watch you put it on your helmet and flip it up. Yeah. Did you get brain damage this weekend or something? Totally. It's not smoking. For real? Is there something wrong with you? You seem like there's really something wrong with you today.

Really? Yeah. Are you serious? Your sentences are so ridiculous. It's because I'm very not smoking cigarettes. I slept with a patch on. I forgot to take it off. Yeah, you can't leave those on.

They kill you. Those things give you heart attacks. That's right. Throw that out, though. Don't leave that on my table, you creep. Is that real why that you can't sleep with it? Yeah, you're not supposed to sleep with them. It's intense. Isn't that true? I'm pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure you're supposed to take those off. There's a bunch of different rules to those things. You can't have too many of them. People have four or five of them on and died. You've got to be fucking careful. Those patches, especially, they vary in strength. You're supposed to wean yourself off to a lighter and lighter patch.

This is the lightest one. It just seems fucked up to me. The Nicorette gum makes the most sense. It's the grossest. You taste nicotine and you want to, it makes me puke. Like, I'll literally puke if I have the Nicotine gum or the mints. It has, like, this weird nicotine taste that some people. I like Mark Maron's strategy.

He just keeps chewing the Nicotine gum. He's been on the nicotine gum for like 10 years. His boss is the same way. Rich Voss. Yeah, he's been nicorette gum for years. I think Maron's actually done with the gum now. Is he? I think he's completely free of it. Good for him. That's a hard fucking monkey to kick. That cigarette monkey seems like, to me, out of all the things

that I've seen people kick, cigarettes seems to be the toughest. That's not the toughest, the consequences of going back on it, because if you see a guy, he's got a heroin problem, and he kicks it, and then he goes back on heroin, he's all fucked up, his life's a mess. But if you see a guy who kicks cigarettes and comes back, he's just smoking

a cigarette, you know? He's like, ah, I quit for a little while, I couldn't fuck, but he's still right there talking to you, you know what I'm saying? It's not like someone who quits something, like meth, or something fucking crazy that ruins your life really quick. Cigarettes is a nice slow burn. But if you take that out of it and you look at

it objectively, like how many people do you know that were former drug addicts? A lot. I know a lot. A lot of dudes who had problems with drugs. How many dudes do I know that had a problem with cigarettes and did successfully kick it? Not that many. Only a few. I know that had a problem with cigarettes and did successfully kick it? Not that many.

Only a few. I know a lot of people that struggle with that shit. Hardcore. You struggle with it hardcore. Ari still says he gets cravings for it. He kicked it a long fucking time ago. Duncan still gets cravings. He'll still have a cigarette every now and again.

Joey will allow himself a cigarette every now and again, which I think is, like, super fucking dangerous. Joey actually always doesn't. He always smoked his, like, e-cigarette things all the time. Sometimes he does, but you remember back in the day, he would allow himself a cigarette every now and then? Fuck it. Whatever.

I'm going to have a cigarette. He's just sitting there smoking a cigarette. But he had enough willpower to not go buy a pack and not keep going. But that seems to be, like like as hard a kick as anything. Because it seems to be like when people are like the heroin thing and like people have like severe pill problems, like they look at those pill problems like, fuck, I hope those things don't get me again. You know, if they get off of them, they look at them like, fuck, like that's, these fucking pills, man. People don't look at cigarettes that way. They look at it,

it's a much more casual thing because it kills you so slowly. Cigarettes, though, has killed coffee for me. Like, right now, this coffee is horrible and I used to love coffee and I can't,

I don't even want to drink this coffee now. What are you talking about? Just because the whole cigarette and coffee thing together is kind of made what coffee was in my head. So now just this by itself, it's off one. Plus your taste buds are probably coming back now.

Maybe. Without the smoke. That's a big part of it, dude. Your taste buds get really fucked up with cigarettes, apparently. Yeah, I haven't noticed that. I've just noticed zero energy. Like, I can't stop sleeping right now. Which is weird to me that, like, chefs would smoke cigarettes.

Like, I don't understand that. Like, Anthony Bourdain used to smoke. He quit. It's the weird to me that chefs would smoke cigarettes. I don't understand that. Anthony Bourdain used to smoke. He quit. It's the cigarette break. Yeah, but still, if you're smoking cigarettes, how do you know exactly what things taste like if it numbs your taste buds? I don't know how accurate that really is because I've quit before for a year, and I've never noticed anything with the taste or the smells,

at least that drastic of something. I think that's a pretty commonly known thing. the taste or the smell is at least that drastic of something. Hmm. I think that's a pretty commonly known thing. I'm pretty sure that that... Yeah, definitely. The taste buds come back. All of a sudden, food that you like that you don't like anymore. Yeah, I don't think...

I mean, it probably varies. I mean, maybe it doesn't affect you the way it affects other people. Like, you think you have a pretty good sense of taste while you're smoking cigarettes? I used to. I've noticed that my taste... Like, I don't really taste things as much anymore but i think that's just because i'm old your taste buds are broken that doesn't make sense they start dying don't they when when you get older so we're self-diagnosing again we did this the other day yeah i think that when you're

smoking cigarettes i think it's killing all sorts of shit in your throat. And the fact that it fucks with your taste buds, it's not surprising. You're smoking your taste buds. Your taste buds are in your mouth. You're flooding your mouth with poisonous fucking smoke. Do you still smoke? No. I stopped like 25. Smoked about seven years.

It's a hard one to quit. One of the hardest ones to quit and way more common than all those other ones. One of the hardest ones to quit and way more common than all those other ones. One like heroin or meth. It's way more common that people smoke cigarettes than do meth. And I smoked for 25 years. And you said you were up to, I only smoked like eight cigarettes a day. I wasn't a big smoker.

You said two packs. I was up to two packs the last six months. You were? Yeah, that's why I quit. Because I was like, this is ridiculous. I'm smoking two packs a day now. And I would be like, why am I smoking so much? Why are you smoking so much? Just, I think, all the crap that's happened in the last six months.

That's a lot of cigarettes, dude. A lot of stress. So you stopped and now nothing. Right, except this patch. But no cigarettes at all for how long? Seven days. Whoa. And what do they say you have to get over?

What's the hump they have like a list that's on the internet that shows you like you know from like day two and three of quitting this happens and then a week and it i think it's maybe three months that list goes to like and after the third month you'll have 98 less of a heart attack chance and really and you're going to grow better fingernails. I forget what the list said, but it was involving taste and smells. Are you really going to stick with it this time? I don't know. Wow, that's not a strong fucking...

I know. That's not a definitive statement. I'll tell you one thing, Joe. Being at the comedy store has been really rough because that place, for some reason, you can still smoke on the patio and everywhere almost. Well, because it's outside. Yes. Well, all the the other bars you can't even smoke on patios anymore but i think because it's a maybe you should shut the fuck up so they don't get raided no they know but but uh but but

it's so so much smoke everyone smokes right it's it's like so you get secondhand smoke well i just can't stop thinking about it so when you you go there now, what do you do? I'm just dead inside. I don't know. Oh, here's the thing. Yeah, isn't that crazy? After 20 minutes, your blood pressure drops to normal. Pulse rate drops to normal. Temperature in hands and feet increase to normal.

Eight hours, carbon monoxide levels in blood drops to normal. Wow, it takes eight hours. 48 hours, nerve endings start regrowing. Oh, my God. Nerve endings. Ability to smell and taste is enhanced. Just 48 hours outside of cigarettes.

See, there you go. The 60s, doctors were saying cigarettes are good. Take them, smoke them, doing commercials for them. I think it was earlier than the 60s, but... Maybe 50s, yeah, right? It was in that J. Edgar Hoover movie. In the J. Edgar Hoover movie... What's his name? What the fuck's his name? Leonardo Di was in that J. Edgar Hoover movie. In the J. Edgar Hoover movie, what's his name?

What the fuck's his name? Leonardo DiCaprio as J. Edgar Hoover. And his mother is talking to him about the doctor prescribing cigarettes for him. Like to man him up. Doctors. Five years. I know, doing commercials. Yeah, I see you see the ads. Cigarettes are good for you.

Smoke them. Look at that. Five years. Stroke risk reduced to that of a non-smoker. That's great. Five years, though. Still, though, that's great. A risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus is half that of a smoker in five years.

Just five years. That's great. In 10 years, precancerous cells are replaced. Lung cancer death rate is about half the rate of a smoker in 10 years. Life expectancy comparable to a non-smoker if you quit for 10 years. That's beautiful. Smoker or a non-smoker that works at a paint factory. Yeah.

That guy's way more fucked. Or black mold in your house. People that work in, like, fucking plants and factories, like, especially back before they knew what killed you and what didn't kill you, like, a lot of people got a fucking real bad deal. Like, they found out about that asbestos because a bunch of dudes got cancer from asbestos, you know, from working on it.

They used to have that asbestos, remember that shit? They used to use for insulation. Yeah, for all the old houses, yeah. Yeah, the houses were filled with cancer. My buddy used to work on these old buildings in New York in the 80s, just as like a construction guy or whatever. He needs a new lung now.

He's on a lung transplant list from all that shit, just dumping shit in the garbage and destroying it and ripping off walls and stuff like that. Well, you know, Donna Summer died from lung cancer, I'm pretty sure, and she died because she lived near where the towers fell. A lot of people that lived where the towers fell, including a lot of the firemen, a lot of the people that rescued people, EMT officers, all the people that worked in that area. There's a lot of people that got sick.

And Donna Summer apparently lived, she had an apartment that was pretty close to that area. And just the shit that was in the air, I mean, you can only imagine a giant fucking building. That's what, was it 100 stories or something like that collapses. Another one collapses right next to it. All the fucking dust and shit. A building that's built in the early seventies. So they, I'm sure to use asbestos. And, but then of course I was at the EPA or something came in after like the third day.

So the air quality is fine. It's harmless. And everybody just worked there and just hung out and did charity work. And shit. I was down there doing some, helping move boxes and shit like that. Because they're like, alright, I guess the air's okay. All those first arrivers, all the people, like the EMT people

and the fire people, and a lot of those guys get sick. A lot of cops got sick. A lot of people that lived there that tried to come back early, they got sick. It just only makes sense. I mean, you're not going to have spring fresh air when two enormous buildings fall. So that just got declassified the other day.

Do you know if there's any new? Some of it, but there's still a lot missing. The 9-11 reports? Yeah. What do you think happened? I think exactly what they tell us. Exactly what they tell us. Pretty much.

Two dudes in box cutters took over an airplane and flew it into the Twin Towers. What do you think happened? Pretty close. I think most likely, almost exactly like they're telling us, except for, well, I think they capitalized on an event. And I think that's why it looks like they set it up. I think that's one of the reasons why people have so much of a vested interest in trying to prove some sort of conspiracy with the government in 9-11. It's because there's so much profit that was made off those wars,

especially the war to Iraq. Forget about what happened at 9-11 and who caused that, but it's the reaction to 9-11 that's the craziest thing ever the craziest thing is how we just decided to go to war with iraq you know a country that had nothing to do with it and then halliburton's getting these billion dollar contracts they're blowing shit up left and right and like that's that's that had nothing to do with 9-11. That's like someone in Marina Del Rey picking a fight with you so you nuke Canada. It's really that fucked up. It doesn't make any sense at all.

They're totally different countries, totally unrelated, and that's the most fucked up thing about it is what they definitely did. The idea that it was planned It was like they flew the that's that's like so complicated Like I don't know if they really are even capable of doing that I don't know if there's a group in the the highest levels of government It's capable of hiring so many people to keep their mouth shut so many people to engineer this thing We're gonna fly planes in the buildings gonna are the people with box cutters? Are there Saudi guys that are on those planes? Are they a fucking

hologram? How do you cover all that? How do you cover the news story? How do you make sure that nobody keeps their mouth shut? How do you make sure that no bad motherfucker on the plane doesn't Chuck Norris these fucking terrorist dudes in the head and take over the plane? How do you stop all that from happening? Because it seems to me that it would be a lot of fucking people would have to be involved and one person's gonna talk absolutely someone's gonna if they wired that building for explosives nobody saw him coming in there's no video of anybody and at two o'clock in the morning what about the janitor that mops up well didn't see some guys

because they say you know they had the way it came down it had to be explosives inside yeah the the one that's crazy is tower seven that's the crazy inside. Yeah, the one that's crazy is Tower 7. That's the crazy one. Because that was the one that wasn't hit by a plane. Yeah. But what freaks me out is not that they had to have explosives to detonate a building and make it collapse like that. I don't buy that. Because I don't think we've ever seen a fucking building that big collapse.

How do you know? Once it starts going like first of all what about the possibility that they used shitty engineering and terrible fucking concrete and the unions were involved and they fucking half-assed that giant building and it fell apart when a plane hit it that seems like the more likely scenario but that tower seven just goes like this that's the one that's the most crazy because it looks like an implosion but apparently it was on fire and apparently you know the entire building had like some sort of a underneath the the basement they had some sort of a um diesel uh generator so they had these giant drums of diesel and it all caught on fire so it

was a raging inferno inside the building. And some people think that compromised the steel and made it collapse like that. But it looks like a fucking controlled demolition. That's the one that really looks like it. The Twin Towers look like the top fell off and the whole thing just exploded from the weight. And when you see all those buildings that are shooting out that they say is reminiscent of explosions. When you see all those buildings that are shooting out that they say is reminiscent of explosions, yes, but you know that the top of the building is coming down and crushing all those floors. All right? That's how the thing is getting crushed, right?

What is that? That's pressure. All right? What happens when you have pressure? Windows explode. Everyone knows that. So if you slow something down and you're showing these windows exploding because the top is collapsing on the building and you're saying that's evidence of bombs no it's not no it's not it's evidence of explosions that are happening because of compression there's a lot of things going on in that building that

building is fucking collapsing it's fucking billions of pounds of metal and concrete and it's all falling apart like you're looking at these little slow-motion things and saying that's definitely bombs. It's not definitely bombs. It could be bombs. It's not definitely bombs, though. It's more likely that that fucking building's falling apart. Supposedly, when they built it, they had it where it was going to come straight down if there was ever a hurricane or something like that or an earthquake. Yeah, that's what I remember seeing a documentary on the Trade Center's getting built in case they didn't want to just fall over and wipe out six streets.

That is smart. So they built it like that in case some big hurricane or an earthquake came and would just wipe out a bunch of blocks. So they built it like that that it would fall straight down like that. I don't know how they did it, but that's what they said in a documentary. Fuck, I would like to see that documentary. Because could you imagine if that plane slamming into the building caused that design to kick into effect? And that's why it collapsed? Either way, man.

That's the only time in our lives and in the history of the continental United States it's been attacked. You know, that's one of the most fucked up things about us in comparison to the rest of the world. It's been attacked. That's one of the most fucked up things about us in comparison to the rest of the world. Everybody's been attacked a fucking million times. I mean, just look at all the shit that's happened in Mexico. Just in Mexico. Just fucking Cortez coming over here and killing like a

fucking million people. All the crazy Aztecs that were killing people. There's a lot of attacks and invasions and shit happened just in Mexico. Germany's been fucking attacked. Russia's been attacked. Everybody's been attacked. England's been hit with bombs from the Nazis.

Everybody got attacked. There's spots in France that are so fucked up to this day that you can't go in them for like 100,000 years. They have like a red zone where they have this fenced up zone in France. Really? All from the munitions. All from unexploded munitions and the toxins. Just from World War II.

Dude, it's nuts. Pull up that article. It was a recent article. Photos of France's red zone. It was amazing. I sent it to Dan Carlin, who's this guy who has this podcast called Hardcore History. And he's got this insane series on World War I and how fucked up World War I was. And this is a part of that.

All these munitions and all this bomb shit. It's an area the size of Paris, and you can't even go near it. Wow. Do you find it? Yeah. Check this shit out. It's fucking nuts, man. This is all from the war, and it's this is like there's there's really good pictures

of the actual place fallout what's that yeah right it looks like a zombie movie yeah yeah you can't go anywhere near it there's like a fence and then inside that fence it's fucking no man's land you just can't get in there they bombed that place literally to hell and they had all these ant look at that look at all this is all the shit they're finding there they have these uh animals that live there and they did tests on the animals like the wild hogs and they were filled with toxins all these horrible fucking chemicals from these explosives explosives and what did explode and what leaked into the soil and they used gas and i mean this is a nutty fucking time look at all the fucking bombs they found wow just laying in a field

that was when war was war man this dan carlin thing if you don't know anything about world war one i didn't know shit about world war one this This Dan Carlin piece that he's got right now, it's amazing. If you've never listened to Hardcore History, it's the best podcast on history. It's amazing. And he's got this incredible piece on World War I that he just finished. I think the last episode he just released. What a fucking nutty time, dude. That was just 100 years ago. fucking nutty time, dude. That was just a hundred years ago.

These people were fighting in trenches and shooting at each other from over the hills. What's really crazy is they, these people in World War I in particular, they were still wearing like the brightly colored outfits that people wore in the 1800s. They were wearing like their grandfather's fucking battle outfits. They had outfits that were essentially like targets, like white gloves and white hats, and they didn't have any helmets, and they were walking.

They'd all walk. Just walk. Just walk in and fucking shoot at people, and then people would shoot back, and they'd dig a hole and cry and scream, and that's how they did war fucking nuts man damn and if it wasn't for them we wouldn't be here salute god bless those fine warriors god bless fucked right god bless the troops god how fucked is that that that just a hundred years ago was

how they did war this this piece is uh the hardcore history thing he talks about the germans inventing these new guns that were so powerful they used to have to plug up their ears they'd plug up their nose they would back up 300 yards and when the thing went off you still had to have your mouth open or it'll blow out your eardrums so they're packing they're packing their nose they're packing their ears they're plugging packing their ears. They're plugging up everything. And you still have to have your mouth open when it goes off 300 yards away from you. Because the reverberation, the sound is so powerful that it literally will blow your eardrums open. Boom. And so they were shooting these fucking Volkswagen bus-sized bullets at the people on the other side.

I forget who they were shooting them at. I forget which country it was they first used it on. But they would just obliterate with one bullet. It would obliterate like 70 people. One bullet would just take out 70 people. And they were like, what the fuck? Before then, it was like bullets. One at a time.

You shoot at me, I shoot at you. Vive la France. And you'd fucking run out there. And the germans took shit to the next level they had this huge gun that they used to have like tanks would pull it and i mean it was enormous you're talking about this huge cannon of a weapon and then they had to figure out the distance like they had to figure it out but like they would launch one bullet figure out where you were and they would lower the gun a little launch a second bullet. There's nothing you could do.

Couldn't get away. This thing was shooting you from miles away. Were you watching that Dallas footage the other night? The gunman? No, I heard briefly about it. What happened? Some guy went nutty and shot at the cops? Yeah, he got an armored car or van off of, it looks like eBay.

Somebody found the auction listing, and it was just completely armored, and he was just shooting and stuff. But one crazy thing is, Jamie, if you look at my Twitter, I posted this video of a guy named Scoota underscore Juice Man, and he was filming on the street when this was happening. The armored car was just shooting at cops, hitting cop cars and stuff like that, underscore juice man and he he was filming on the street when this was happening the guy and the armored car was just shooting at cops hitting cop cars and stuff like that and he had planted all these pipe bombs throughout the city it was like grand theft auto it was nuts

but this guy was shooting like filming it and a bullet you can hear was right by his head like that it is so intense oh my god fuck that so do you remember that north hollywood shootout yeah yeah i was here for that yeah that's we were on the set of news radio and we all huddled up in the in the break room and watched it on television we're like what the fuck watching these two dudes with full armor on machine guns and shit just fucking gunning down cops did you remember that that wasn't the scene that they kind of recreated from the movie Heat. Yeah, that was the inspiration of it. Holy shit.

Yeah, that really happened. It was called the North Hollywood Shootout. Two just maniacs, two crazy dudes all fucked up on drugs, out of their mind, and just armed to the dick. Their trunk was stuffed, and the cops had regular service revolvers. They're like, what am I going to do with a fucking nine millimeter against these I mean what's going on here and some were so under gunned so I think they changed a shitload of laws after that too about like how much machine guns you could have right what happens when you start stockpiling that kind of

ammo and bulletproof vests and shit so that was pretty much kind of the scene from that movie Heat? Yeah, I think that was the inspiration for it. Is this the new one? No, this is the old one. Oh, this is North Hollywood? Yeah, okay, so these dudes, they have full-on bulletproof vests the whole deal. They're, like, wearing military garb And then they they have the trunk open and inside the car. It's all guns. It's all guns and bullets and This dude is like he's all armored

essentially, and so he's shooting at these cops and You know the cops are fucked and they're they're hiding they're waiting for backup But it was it was really scary because these guys are kind of idiots, and it makes you think, like, if someone who really knew what the fuck they were doing, like some real tactical guy, some SEALs or something like that, if they went nutty and decided to do this, you wouldn't need a large group in order to shut an entire city down.

My friend Justin talks about this all the time because he knows, like, a lot of people in special ops and all those. He would call himself a firearms enthusiast. I call him a gun nut. He's definitely a gun nut. But if you had a bunch of dudes that were really good at killing people like this, and you just brought in 20 of them, they'd shut an entire city down. Absolutely. Where was this?

Just on Hollywood Boulevard? No, this is in North Hollywood. What's happening here? How come we're not seeing anybody shooting at anybody yet? These guys are lazy. Come on, man. Okay, here he goes.

So now he's just running and shooting at cops. I love these. It's Wolf Blitzer reporting on the news. Oh, that's not Wolf Blitzer. Sounds a little wolfish. Yeah, it definitely does. Is that his? Yeah, I think that's. that's the guy who got shot.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think that guy's dead, right? Yeah, I think that's why he's rolling or he's hurt. I forget what happened, but I remember the cops let him bleed out and people were saying that it was cruel, that the cops didn't call the ambulances and have this guy taken care of. And risked their own lives to do so to get this guy to... Oh, wait. He just took off.

He stapled this thing shut. Like Keanu Reeves in that John Wick movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you see that movie? Yeah. It's a fucking good movie, man. Oh, yeah. Did you see that movie? Yeah. It's a fucking good movie, man. It's pretty good.

I watched it on a plane coming back from Mexico this weekend. It's a fucking badass movie. Did you see Lost World yet? No, that was the best, like, as far as, like, action movie, that was the best action movie I've seen in a long time. It was badass. What's it called? John Wick.

Yeah, it was kind of Matrix-y. It was pretty good. Well, it's not about the Matrix at all. It's about this hitman who these Russian mobsters fuck with him and he decides to go after them and kill them all.

It's just the gratuitous violence level is off the fucking chain. I gotta check it out. I love that shit. The amount of murders that Keanu

Reeves does in this movie, it's insane. I mean, I've never seen a guy kill more people in a movie. And do it, it was fun to watch. Like, the way he was

doing it was badass. It was almost believable. You know, like, the way they had it set up everything was like really tight quarters it wasn't like a retard wagon train where they have a bunch of guys coming out i mean somehow or another he managed to survive yeah you kind of buy it pretty much every step of the way like you know there's not a real person who's that accurate with a gun but if if it's a video game you know this this could be possible. There was no scene where you go,

how is he going to get out of this? There was one. There was one. They kind of gave you a way out that kind of made sense. Good enough. Good enough. Because the gratuitous violence

in the action scenes really make you want to go be a hitman. You want to just go fuck people up. It's a fun movie. It's a wild fucking movie i heard that jurassic park movie sucked i heard it was okay yeah but i it looks good i'm sure it's i heard it was dumb it's all right do you see it yeah i saw it it's really fun you like everything though it's true it's a fun last thing you don't like uh i see plenty of movies i don't like

give me one pitch perfect who loves it haven't seen them loved it five thumbs up first one uh no i 2. Who loves it? Haven't seen them. Loved it. Did you see the first one? No, I didn't. I heard it was enjoyable, but I wanted to say, you were talking about the Twin Towers. Before the Jurassic World movie, because it's in 3D IMAX, they showed the trailer for this new movie with Joseph Gordon-Levitt about this French tightrope walker that went between the Twin Towers in the 70s, and they recreated 1974 Manhattan. Whoa. They recreated the Twin Towers in the 70s, and they recreated 1974 Manhattan. Whoa. They recreated the Twin Towers, and it looked awesome.

It freaked the shit out of you. I'll show you a picture. Really? Is it all CGI? Oh, my goodness. It says it's like gravity-esque kind of recreation of this whole scenario. Just the way the trailer starts. I want to ruin it for you even now.

You need to see it on IMAX because it was awesome. I I know I need to see it right now. Do you have it? Sure that shit Fuck I max Well, but it's 3d as well. That's quite all right. All right, I can get the idea. This is insane It's so cool what they can do right now with CGI Unless that's on a window washers cart But he's shooting it up to the top the trade center. It's gone right? Yeah, good point. This is all fake

It's amazing come on that's incredible. That's all fake. Oh my god my my fucking heart hurts That view is insane oh my god i'm literally freaking out my hands are sweating my toes won't stop twitching he's cute so he's standing on top of the Twin Tower and you get to see what the fucking drop looks like. And Homeboy is now standing on an I-beam. It's poking out over the edge. I don't think I can watch this. I can imagine this in 3D.

Oh my God, I can't even imagine what I'm seeing with my own face. This man... His balance... That's horrifying....is amazing. Oh, is it? Jesus Christ, boy! I'm having a really hard time watching this. Fuck.

That has to be, like, one of the freakiest... Oh, you son of a bitch. He's standing on one foot. What are you, a yoga master? I think it's Kegels. Oh my God, in 3D. And IMAX 3D. Oh, that's good.

Wow, what a trailer. The walk. How crazy is that that we give a fuck that he does that? I mean, if he walked a tightrope, and that tightrope was six inches off the ground, How crazy is that that we give a fuck that he does that? I mean, if he walked a tightrope and that tightrope was six inches off the ground, you would not give a shit. Nope. No one would see it.

Sweaty palms. But because he is 100 stories up, you know that he's fighting every single instinct, every natural instinct the body has to get the fuck away from danger. Fuck that. Now, this isn't the French guy, is it? Because they did a documentary a few years ago back? Okay. It's the same movie. Yeah, there was a documentary about this guy.

They had the footage of him from afar, but... I didn't watch that recent one with the family. The family where the one guy with the Walendas, is that what they are? One of them died, and they still do it. Like, the mother and the son did it, and they passed each other on the rope. Fuck. What the fuck, man? You know, I mean, what kind of a way to make a living is that?

I know. I'd be pissed at my dad if that's what he did. Now I got to follow in your footsteps. How good do you think you could get? Do you ever think you could get good enough? Like, maybe it's just us. Maybe we look at that and go, look man, it ain't hard, it's just we don't know how to do it.

You know what I mean? Right. If you got really good, can you get good enough to a point where you could walk on one of those things with 100% certainty that you're not going to fall? Is that possible? Because look, if I made you a road across the Grand Canyon, but the

road was only as wide as this table, I could walk it. I would not like it. I'd freak out the entire way. I'd try to stay calm, but if there's no wind, and I knew that the road was as wide as this table, I'm 100% confident that I'd be able to suck it up and make it to the other side. When I got to the other side, I'd probably

be like, what the fuck? I'd probably be freaking out. How long do you think it would take you? I don't know how far the walk is. How far is the walk? I wouldn't rush it. I'll tell you that. Probably a couple hours. I wouldn't rush it.

You wouldn't walk fast? No, I would not. No, I would not. I would be fucking... I would do it as a meditation. I would try to concentrate entirely on my breath in each footstep and just keep my balance good and stay calm. But a table. I could get on

this fucking table right now and I would, I'll tell you right now, never fall. I will never fall standing up on this table unless I slip on something. You know what I'm saying? But if I'm standing on this table right now, there's no way this is a flat thing. It's very wide. I'd be fine. And I could walk across the table with what certainty? A hundred percent certainty. Unless there's something really wrong with my body or I'm that fucking drunk. If I had a gamble, I would be a hundred percent certain that I could walk across the length of this table. But if you made it a mile long and you put it over the Grand Canyon, that's where shit gets weird. You think you'd have to sit down at some point because you're like freaking out?

Maybe. But the point is that anybody can walk on this fucking table we all know how to walk do you think you could get good enough at walking on a tightrope that it's almost like this table you know as far as like the probabilities but someone can right i mean there has to be someone out there like if you watch those cirque du soleil fuckers they can do shit that doesn't seem like you should be able to do it they can do stuff with their bodies like i saw one guy and he was pressing one guy. The other guy was doing a handstand with one hand holding this guy's hand. So this guy's got a hand and another guy's doing a handstand.

Maybe they were using two hands. The guy was doing a handstand on the other guy's hands. They're standing up. It's fucking ridiculous. Who the fuck do you know that can do that? Does anybody know anybody that can do that? No. Unless you know a Cirque du Soleil dude or a Cirque du Soleil gal.

But even they fuck up every now and then. Like one dropped at the MGM a couple years ago, right? Wasn't it? It's super risky. You ever watch that? Cirque du Soleil? Yeah, I've seen it. I just went to like a local circus in the middle of a field. I took my son last week

and these people are with no wires and shit like that. What the fuck are they doing? They're earning, son. Yeah, what did I get? There's like a hundred of them and there's only like 30 people in the crowd. I'm like, what are these people getting paid?

Yeah. They're doing two shows. The next show has like a hundred people going from town to town and they're swinging off these ropes. I'm like... It's a weird way to make a living man but that was like the carny was like there was a classic character in like movies and stories and most people knew about the traveling people that would go from town to town and these carnival they set up carnivals they're all dangerous and shit and carnies i mean that's a classic description right

that's kind of fucked up and these guys looked at the guys that worked at definitely they all did right yeah even yeah even last week they look creepy well you remember those fucking machines they would set up like we they had carnivals in massachusetts we would go to these local places you know they'd be set up seasonally and something like that. And you'd go down there and they'd have fried dough. You know that fried dough with the fucking powdered sugar on it? Yeah. What's that called?

Waffle? No. No. Waffle cakes. Funnel cakes. Funnel cakes. Elephant ear funnel cakes. Yeah.

There's a Zeppa. Something a fucking Italian name for it. I just had one today. Bambolino or something like that. That's not it. It starts with a Z. But anyway, the point being, this fried dough, these stands, and then they'd have these ridiculous carousels.

Like, what kind of an asshole do you have to be to get on that and risk your life on this fucking contraption that was put together by these guys? You know, what kind of regulations did they have for carnivals back then? Yeah, there's not an inspector coming in every day when they're setting it up to make sure it's safe in their little town that they're in. It's just such a weird, like, common thing. It's a common thing. Like, carnivals are common. Everybody knows about carnivals.

Have that kind of a show. Go travel from town to town. Set up. Put up tents. Put on little weird shows. Try to get everybody's money. And then get the fuck out of Dodge. Move on to the next place.

All jaded and weird. Yeah, because every move you make. For $2, you could sit two rows up. Another dollar over here. Ride the camel. Me and my son rode the camel for $7 a piece. He rode a camel? Yeah, we rode a camel together. He rode the elephant for nine.

That was nine and stuff. Yeah. How do they have elephants? Program for two bucks. That's a fucked up thing. The circus animals. You ever see the one with the bear and the monkey? Where there's a trained bear and a monkey and they're riding bikes together?

Never seen that? No, I haven't seen it. It's pretty funny. Did you riding bikes together It's pretty funny pretty fucked up the bear Crashes into the monkey monkey falls the bear crashes into him and the bear decides the monkeys asshole. He so kills him in front everybody Because he was in pain and he associated the pain with this monkey fucking up right like he like I think he might have thought the monkey attacked him like that's why he fell like this i mean i thought like the monkey was attacking him so he mauls this monkey in front of everybody and they're trying to get him off the monkey's a fucking giant train grizzly bear just like it's so it's such a it's it's such a hilarious video it's horrible right but it's also hilarious like what the fuck is wrong with people? You got a trained bear and a trained monkey.

Look at this. They're riding a bike together. I mean, that is a real fucking bear, okay? That's a real bear. Now, look. This guy falls down. The bear falls. The bear knocks into this guy.

And so he gets back on. Is that it already? Yeah, it's just right to it. Oh, my gosh. I missed it then. I fucked up up i didn't see where the monkey hit him i was too busy laughing it's just so crazy that people think it's okay to get a bear to ride a fucking bicycle with a monkey so okay so there's a monkey in front of them and the bears behind them okay i still didn't see because the guy got in the way.

Right here. Boom. The guy kind of fucked up and the bear runs over the monkey and just decides to maul him. Fuck this. Riding bike sucks. I'm a bear. And these guys, they can't do shit about it. They're watching him tear this fucking monkey apart.

There's nothing they could do. And then they realize, like, Jesus Christ, we're working with a bear. You know? You thought of him as Hank, your co-worker. This is my buddy Hank. You know? Oh, Hank's a murderer. Hank's a fucking murderer. No, no, he's a good guy. He's a good guy unless

he crashes into you with a bike and he just eats you in front of crowds. It reminds me of Dice had a famous bit about Siegfried and Roy. He's like, you know, people just bought those tickets every night. Go, tonight could be the night. They don't have one of those anymore.

They don't have a Siegfried and Roy type act anymore. I can't think of one famous thing in Vegas like that. They still have the Lions, apparently, at the MGM. The MGM has Lions, and the Barrage has Dolphins. It's kind of fucked. Didn't they take that exhibit of the Lion exhibit out of the MGM? I don't know. Did they? Yeah, I don't remember

seeing it anymore. Did they? They took it out? That's good. I went to it a long time ago, and I was like, what in the fuck? Didn't one of them get attacked in there? Yes, one of the trainers got attacked. Yeah, there's a video of that. I saw that. But the idea that you could have a fucking casino in Vegas and inside this glass box is these poor Tigers or lions rather they're getting tortured and they're looking at these

people walking around staring at them that's way more unnatural than a zoo plus cigarette cigarettes drinking yeah yeah that's a fucked up place for a Unnatural than a zoo. Plus, cigarette smoke. Cigarettes. Drinking. Oh, God. Screaming. Yeah. Poor lions. Yeah. That's a fucked up place for a lion. Why do people have lions in the back of their Lamborghinis in Dubai? Is that a real thing that people do? You're talking about that dude who's driving the AMG Mercedes and he has a leopard in his front seat.

Was it a cheetah? I think it was a cheetah, actually. Why do they do that? They do that because why did Mike Tyson buy a tiger? Why did Mike Tyson own those crazy animals? There's a documentary on it that's really good. It's called The Elephant in the Living Room. And it's all about people that

keep these crazy exotic pets. And this one guy that had lions, and the lions lived in a small box cart. Look at that. Where does this guy live? Persian Gulf, it says. Ah, Persians.

Look at him. He's the most gangster. He's hanging out with lions. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Scroll up. He's hanging out with the lions, and they're covered in blood. What the fuck are they covered in blood from? Because there's a dead animal right there. Oh, Jesus.

So he would give them that. Wow, they killed that thing. So he gave them a calf. They maul the calf. And he comes in and sits next to the body and hangs out with them. Oh, my God. They gave him a shark to kill. This guy seems awesome.

Well, there's always going to be people like this. Whenever there's billions of dollars out there Look at that guys honor Mercedes and AMG Mercedes and they stand on the roof Which is an asshole thing to do and he's feeding his lion who's on the hood of the car and his friends at the driver's Seat and his friend is like you've got to be fucking kidding me man. This is gonna be the best YouTube video This guy's nuts. This seemed like one dude So is he like Training these lions I think he's just a badass He probably fucks them

That's his Instagram account That's hilarious He's got money Look at that fucking one on the top Hold on Go back to that one Look at that shit That is so crazy

Get off my car He's on his knees Like on his toes bent down like a rapper look if he's playing dice or something and right next to him is a lion and he's on a Mercedes that's gotta be that's gotta be his dating profile first whatever online service he's on yeah tender whatever yeah that's his dating profile me I love nature and Mercedes Benz. Bitches be sucking my dick, yo. That's such a ridiculous photo.

What is, you know, how does a guy like that live in this world? It's just, I love that if you're going to have people that are flashy in any way, you're always going to have that one person takes flashiness to the most fucked up place so like whenever you have a house that's like the most the huge just like what was the one that we were looking at the other day that was in bel-air that was 50 that was after the show was over right we got 500 million dollars in bel-air and the previous most expensive one sold in bel- was like $100 million, right? What the fuck? Really? How come you don't retire?

Why do you have a $500 million house? That's ridiculous. That's cool. So, yeah, this guy's a good thing. It's got a hooker pool. So this was, the other guy was in Dubai? Yeah. Yeah, so, you know, all these Russian chicks, European chicks go over to Dubai trying to find rich guys. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, when we were, I was in Abu Dhabi for the UFC, and a bunch of the guys went to Dubai just to see what it was like and go get some food and shit. And they said that they walked into a bar, they had no idea, and it was literally all Russian hookers, the entire bar. And they were like, dude, I think this is a hooker bar. Like, it was all Russian hookers waiting for guys to show up. And they got there. And I say Russian, but, you know, Middle East or Eastern Bloc country type accents. And they were like, I've never seen anything like it. Like, there's so much money there, apparently.

That's just where they go. They know that rich people are coming in to vacation. And they have certain spots where they can. They know that rich people are coming in to vacation, and they have certain spots where they can just find these Russian broads. And there's also a bunch that come over from Eastern Europe, and they just try to find American men that move to America. Did you ever think about doing that?

Absolutely. Yeah, get yourself a nice tent from Siberia. Yeah, I mean, I got some bedrooms in my house. Yeah, come on, stay. Stay around. Get your green card. I've had friends who bring them back to the hotel, like, oh, yeah, you know, I got two mansions. I live here, live here, you know, and then bang them and then try to get rid of them.

Afterwards, they got nothing. Eventually, if they keep doing that, though, they'll find a guy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. But Dubai's really weird. Like, that's where if you kiss someone in public, you get thrown in jail and stuff like that. So you really got to do it. You can't do it in the bar.

You can't even do it until you get back to in the hotel room. Well, there was a woman who got caught with melatonin. She got caught with melatonin, which is a natural supplement that helps you go to sleep. And they locked her in fucking jail. She was an executive at, I think, Endemol, one of those production companies. And it was another lady, or another guy rather,

that got arrested for having some prescription medication that's illegal there, but not illegal in the UK, where he lived. And so he had some prescription medication that he travels with that he has to take. And his doctor prescribes it. And they fucking locked him right in jail. They took his medication

away from him and threw him in a box. Yeah, there was a rapper, too, going over, because they do a lot of concerts over there. A rapper had some, I think he had some marijuana

on him, just a little. He got thrown in jail for it, too. Carrie Bradshaw. She kissed that guy on the beach and got arrested in Sex and the City 2. I did not see that. Is that a movie?

They had more than one movie? You saw that? No, I did not. We talked about it. Sex and the City 2. I did not see that. Is that a movie? They had more than one movie? You saw that. No, I did not. We talked about it. Sex in the City 2? Yeah. No, we definitely did not talk about it. I never said I saw Sex in the City 2.

She kissed Mr. Big on the beach and they got in trouble. I definitely didn't see it. I watched some of the previews, I think. We might have mocked it, but we never talked about me seeing it. Oh, I wasn't allowed to talk about it There was actually a second one if I saw it I would talk about it You liked we you like you are so retarded You really should go to a doctor. I think the patch did something to him

Yeah, something wrong with your brain like half your sentences today are so goofy. That's ridiculous. That's exactly what you're just saying. It's like you're off I could feel it. Oh, yeah, I miss cigarettes totally. I feel you gonna make it. No No, I'll make it Just man up. I'm I don't get mad hungry right now. I'm not normally hungry and so it's like weird That's something that they say like that's a big one with cigarette smokers that the appetite suppressant aspect of it it's a hundred percent like i've never wanted to eat like at one in the after what two in the afternoon or whatever and i well you got to replace it with something else you obviously have an addiction so you got to get a new healthy addiction that's what you got to do yeah start calling it a jam or something yeah i've been drinking Jamba Juice lately, though.

That's good. Fruit juices to start. That's not bad. The problem with Jamba Juice, not Jamba Juice, but like a lot of those places you think you're getting, I'm going to have a smoothie. The amount of sugar that's in those smoothies, a lot of it is juice. And really, when you have an orange, you're supposed to eat an orange. Like orange juice is kind of an unnatural way to get orange stuff.

You know, it's such a concentrated amount Like when you you drink an orange juice the way that it comes into your body body's like how the fuck did you get this? Like this like how come it's not in the orange. Why are you not chewing fiber? I'm this isn't attached to the pulp and all that other stuff like how'd you do this? And you're just pouring it right in your bloodstream. It's just basically like sugar water It's better for you like fresh squeezed a lot of vitamins in it and stuff but it's a lot of sugar like a lot of calories and fruit juices yeah try the fresh juice i'm gonna make it right there don't give him advice for he's not gonna take it anyway no i used to juice he's already thinking about the cigarette he's gonna have in his car on the way home he's gonna thinking about the cigarette he's going to have in his car on the way home. No, I don't wish. He's going to stop at the gas station and like, fuck it, man.

I wish. Just crash this motherfucker right into the beach. Jim Florentine, what are you doing out in L.A.? What's going on? Got anything happening? Yeah. What are you doing? You know, usual meetings where they tell you you're great.

Oh, those are the best. Yeah, we're going to put you in a movie and we've got got a part for you adam sandler will probably call you tomorrow at home and then you never hear from again you know one of those sometimes those pan out yeah once in a while they do actually so that's what you're out here for yeah yeah i'm gonna do some stand-up shows i think you're gonna do it together at the comedy store and brian you're doing that show too and joey diaz just got added to it jesus, Jesus. Dean Del Rey. And that's a belly room show too, folks, so don't sleep. It only seats like 70 people. It's only supposed to seat 70 people.

It's probably already sold out. Yeah, it probably is. But they really jam like 90 in there, right, I think? Somewhere in there? Yeah, sure. Somewhere in there. Maybe. Fire Marshal doesn't know.

Apparently, you're supposed to get 57. 57. I love that room, the belly room. It's fucking the best. I got to go there tonight i love that room the belly room it's the best i gotta go there tonight and check to make sure the sound system's still there because it wasn't working last night i think they might have blown our new speakers up there oh no so anybody can use it right people that unfortunately yeah there's not a sound guy up in there it's kind of like most comedy clubs usually have a sound guy that takes care of the soundboard and everything in the belly room it's kind of like whoever's running the show kind of takes over the soundboard,

which is a horrible idea. So you guys put in a new soundboard to kill Tony, the one episode. You guys raised money. No, I didn't. That was a stand-up show, right? Yeah, I did a death squad show, and I put all the money towards it, and then the comedy store matched it. So we got a really high-end sound system up there.

And somebody might have blown it. Maybe. I'll find out tonight. That sucks. Because I'm there this weekend, too. I'm there Friday and Saturday. I'm doing the Belly Room. Yeah, we have Kill Tony tonight there,

so I get to put it on your... Put a new soundboard on your Amazon gift shop or whatever the hell it is. Wishlist. Wishlist, yeah. So you've done the store before, right? Yeah. What do you do mostly in New York?

Which clubs do you work at? There's a new club called The Stand You keep hearing good things about that place Great club Yeah, Ari does that place a lot, right? Yeah, it's similar to the Comedy Cellar downstairs in her basement Upstairs you hang the comics, great food I do that, you know, in the Comedy Cellar Stand in New York still

Are there good road gigs around there still? Not really. Not in that area. Is Governor still around? Governor's is still there. That's a great gig. That's a great gig. Brokerage. The Brokerage is still around. Brokerage is still there. Wow. I used to have a hard time getting booked there because I was dirty. So did I. I worked there one time and a guy hated me. The guy

originally owned it and I never went back after that. The Governor's, they didn't care. No, Governor's, they just wanted you to be funny. But the brokerage, they wanted it squeaky clean, 1970s Johnny Carson style. Yep. There's a bunch of those clubs. Well, that's Comedy and Magic Club. Joey Diaz still can't work at the Comedy and Magic Club.

They had to have a conversation with me about Joey because Joey was my opening act. I always brought Joey with me as much as I can. And Comedy Magic Club were like, we have to talk to you about this. I always found that weird, though, that they let Ari Shaffir. He's not as dirty as Joey. He used to be pretty fucking dirty. I remember the weekend that happened. It's a different level.

It's a different level. When Joey's doing the pigeon. You know what he's doing? You're eating a monkey a monkey from behind you sticking your nose right in her asshole Like a pigeon and he goes like this He goes that's a chicken, but what the fuck you know what I'm talking about The pigeon yeah, he was just doing some crazy ass-eating stuff and Mike is like that's it because that was also back before like there was the shows would be packed but half the people would know me from like maybe fear factor and he had a bunch of

regulars that would go there every sunday no matter what every weekend no matter what he's got a bunch of like regulars and he he always has these squeaky clean shows so they would come to see me and they'd have no idea what the fuck was about to hit them. And Joey would get on stage and a bunch of them barely made it through. Almost had heart attacks. Really? Ran out into the fucking street. What did you do to me? They were used to

the 9am Jay Leno show on Sunday. Not really 9am, but it might as well be. He would do these Tonight Show monologue sets. Right, he would work on them well be. You know, he would do these Tonight Show monologue sets. Right, he would work on them on Sundays there. Yeah, and he would go down there and just read a bunch of, like, very non-offensive, very mild Tonight Show-style jokes.

So they got used to that. And then Joey Diaz just hits the stage like a fucking tornado. They just didn't know what to do. So half of them loved it, but it was a good percent. But now if we went back, it would be 100%. They would know what the fuck to expect. And it would be awesome, but he's scared. Yeah.

I only did that club once, and I was, the Tonight Show people were coming to see me, and they gave me a warning. They go, look, I don't know what you're going to do up here. I go, I'm doing what Tonight Show said. Yeah. It's four and a half minutes. I can't do any dirty shit on Tonight Show.

It's going to be fine. Like, all right, well, just make sure. You know, do any dirty shit on a Tonight Show. It's going to be fine. Just make sure. We know you've got a reputation from the East Coast, from Howard Stern and all this stuff. How gross. I know. I'm auditioning for a Tonight Show. I'm not going to talk about ass-eating.

You'd have to really say it in a way that it could get on. What year was this? This was probably like eight years ago, seven years ago. They have lighter standards now. Standards and practices, you can get away with a lot of shit now that you never could get away with just a few years ago. The internet is opening up the boundaries. Just look at the gore factor.

I was watching CSI the other day, and they had some bodies that they were picking bullets out of or some shit, and I was like, whoa, I can't believe this is regular TV. Like really fucking gory. They show it to you really quick. They don't show you long, focused shots, but it's enough that you're like, whoa, I can't believe this is regular TV. Do you think the Fear Factor episode with the cum would be able to be passed nowadays?

No. Can't make people drink cum. Someone's son. Someone's son. Someone's daughter. You're making them drink cum on TV? I re-watched that the other day. That is one of the grossest things I've ever seen.

Wait, someone drank cum? Oh, they drank a big gulp full of cum. Yeah. They drank like 24 ounces. It didn't make the show? No, it never got on the air in America, but it made the air in Holland and a bunch of other cities, so they took a bunch of other countries,

so they took the video of that and they uploaded it to YouTube. You could watch it. It's available. Was it a guy or a girl who drank the can? One guy and two girls. That's a great guy. Did you see the new Fear Factor rip-off show that's starting? I heard about it. It's pretty close.

Good. They even advertise it in the commercial like, just like Fear Factor, bullseye, or whatever. Oh, really? They say just like Fear Factor? Yeah. Wow, that's hilarious. Yeah, man, that was a show, that was one of the rare times in life where someone got fired because someone drank cum on TV.

Because that was what happened. We all got fired because someone drank cum on TV. Because that was what happened. We all got fired because someone drank cum on TV. And I was happy. I was like, good, it's canceled. Like, I was literally happy that it was canceled. That's why the show got canceled? Yes. Yeah.

The ratings were really good. It was doing really well because when it came back, the stunts were insane. But the stunts were getting fucking hairy. Like, we had a couple, like, pretty big accidents. There was one where this couple left, like the, um, the driver,

something happened and his windshield was obscured with like a cardboard box and they almost crashed into this lady's leg. Like it was, it was enough that I was like, whoa, like you guys are taking some fucking chances here. Like there was always a certain amount of chance in fear factor, but they were taking some chances that I was like, happens if this goes wrong like one of them was you were

attached to a bungee cord that was attached to a helicopter and you had to that your partner had to unlock you so there's like a chain full of keys and then there's a lock and so you have to find the right lock so it's you and you're competing with someone else and there's a lock. And so you have to find the right lock. So it's you and you're competing with someone else. And there's helicopters. And the helicopter has a hold of you on a bungee cord, pulled tight. And then so when they let go, when they unlock you, they let go and you go shooting off into fucking space. Holy shit. And I'm saying, like, they were flying through the air. Flying through the air on the most crazy bungee cord you've ever seen in your life.

And it's attached to a fucking helicopter. So you're watching this and you're like, what if the helicopter crashes? Like, has anybody done this? Like, how many dry runs have you done with this? Right. Like, you know, the stunt guys, they don't even get paid. And they would have to recreate this fucking thing. And a lot of times they would recreate it with PAs.

They would get a PA to do the stunt. And they would pay it with pas they would get a pa to do the stunt and they would pay him like 100 bucks and then they would attach them to this fucking thing and launched him into into space oh shit i don't think someone's gonna die you can't there's no way you can prevent like you can't stop anything if it goes wrong there's no like if that bungee cord snaps you're dead dead, okay? If the helicopter crashes, everyone's dead. And they did it off a canyon. There's like this huge cliff and the tree was attached

to the people on the edge of this cliff. Oh, this is it right here. Yeah, somebody's running the Fear Factor Facebook page and making all these new video clips. Look at this shit. Holy shit. Back that up a second. Just so you can see how retarded that is. Watch this. She gets the key in. Look at this shit. Holy shit. Back that up a second. Just so you can see how retarded that is. Whoa. Watch this.

She gets the key in. She unlocks it. And the moment she does, as soon as she gets free, he pulls the... Look at that fucking thing. Look at that thing. She got shot through the fucking air. On the bottom of a helicopter. So ridiculous.

That lady shaved her head, too. That was more disturbing for people than anything else. You made that lady shave her hair. She shaved her hair. Didn't you make somebody get a tattoo also? No, they wouldn't do it. They quit. They had to get a Fear Factor tattoo and a tattoo of me.

That's right. Really? Yep. And that got approved by NBC, which is ridiculous. They wanted to do it at the bottom of their feet, but you can't do it because of sanity, hygiene reasons.

When you step on things, if you have a sore like that at the bottom of your foot, it risks pretty severe infection possibilities. But they did that. NBC said they could have the tattoo, and the other thing that NBC said was said they could have the tattoo. And the other thing that NBC said was that they could drink piss. They drank piss, too.

They drank donkey piss and donkey cum. Or was it cow piss and donkey cum? Yeah. It was that mix. Now, whose real cum was that in there? Donkey cum. Whose real cum was that? Oh, the producers, Vine, everybody. Everybody on the street.

Drop one in. We just pull over and ask people to jerk off. It was so ridiculous. It was such a huge vat of cum that they had, too. They would pour into these glasses. And here's the thing. Like, your best case scenario in this game, the best you could do, you would have to drink five ounces.

Absolutely. Absolutely have to drink five ounces. Because they're playing horseshoes. So if you fucking got a ringer, you nailed it. It's not even, like, if you nail it, you don't have to drink five ounces because they're playing horseshoes. So if you fucking got a ringer, you nailed it. It's not like if you nail it, you don't have to drink. No, even if you nail it, you have to drink five ounces, which is crazy. Was it refrigerated or was it like warm temperature? No, you'd have to refrigerate it.

You don't want to serve that chilled. Yeah, that's how I feel. At least you can pretend it's something else. If it's hot, it's going down your throat. You know exactly what it is. You can latte, though. A little hot latte. Nah, it what it is I don't know what you're putting in your lattes But you need to stop right now Or you're going to get pregnant

It's just like tequila, you want it chilled It's a lot easier going down chilled It's all psychological though Because it's like It's cum, right? It's salty, liquid, like snot Like when you swallow snot It's all psychological The actual taste of snot. It's all psychological.

But the actual taste of snot, it's not the worst thing in the world. You know, I'm sure there's a lot of things that taste way worse than snot. Or cum. But a chick that swallows got a big advantage. Well, the girl was saying that. The girl was hilarious. They were like, I'll take the cum. The girl took the cum over the piss.

I go, really? And she goes, yeah, what's the big deal? I was like, wow, what a trooper you are. I know. She took the cum. She's like, it'll be easier. I've swallowed cum before. We didn't have any of that on TV, obviously. But they were laughing about it. They're like, I've swallowed before. This'll be easy. Fine. And I was like, wow.

Like, I guess a guy would probably, like, if there was some sort of a squirting thing that pigs did and you could collect that and a guy had to choose between drinking that stuff or something else. You would go with

the squirty stuff because it's like, it's coming out of a girl's vagina. It's just like, girl cum, no big deal. As long as it's a girl. I think that's how the girls looked at it when they thought about this, the idea. Look at those girls drink that cum. Yeah, that's how the girls looked at it when they thought about this, uh, the idea. Look at those girls drink that cum. Yeah, that's cum, dude.

Oh my god. They drank a mug. It's all over your chest. God. You can puke now. You girls are awesome. You girls are monsters. Even that guy has a pressure here.

Cheers. Oh my god, you guys how much cum it is! I like how he's pluggin' they're pluggin' their nose while they're drinking cum. Look at that guy chug cum. God. Oh my god! That guy just

chugged cum. Oh my goodness. Okay, well how is that So Fear Factor's released that then Oh no no If it's edited as Fear Factor Moments Yeah something happened about six months ago Fear Factor's Facebook page just started posting brand new videos

And like new advertisements and stuff He has the shit that come out I love how Joe's right in her face Come on fucking do it already Be a trooper Jesus Christ I still to this day I go back and I watch this and I can't believe it really happened I love how Joe's right in her face. Come on, fucking do it already. Be a trooper. Jesus Christ. I still, to this day, I go back and I watch this and I can't believe it really happened.

Didn't you have a guy named Brian that tested everything before that they had to test it? No, there was a bunch of guys, but Josh, Josh Silverman, he was the B-stunt producer. He produced it. He had done a bunch of different crazy shows. He actually had been on a reality show. He was on Ted Nugent's reality show at one point in time as a contestant. Really? But that guy was nuts. And he was getting dark. His mind was

getting very dark from all of the coming up with the different stunts for these people, like figuring out different ways to get people to fucking pull bison hearts out of a swimming pool filled with blood like they kept coming up with more and more fucked up things and I was like this has got to be bad for your brain like to have like this is your job and he's like totally it's definitely it's not good yeah he was like this is not it's not good to think

about this kind of stuff all the time that's why they came up with this drinking cum thing I think I think they got so lost they didn't realize realize how insane this is going to be to the rest of the world. They were like, look, they gave us the green light. Let's do it. We're going to push the envelope. Let's push the envelope. All right, we're going to do lunch on Tuesday.

And the network and the executive would high five each other. They're so out of touch. They had no idea that the rest of the world was going to go, you made people drink cum on TV. Even drinking piss. Just making people drink piss was probably enough to get the show canceled. But the fact that there was piss and cum together, the network is like, what did we do? What happened here?

They should bring it back, but put it on Netflix, uncensored, and make it the grossest of gross. Well, I'm not doing it. I'm done. Like eating yeast infections. I'll never do it again. Can you see a yeast infection? Oh, yeah. It's creamy. Oh, no, it's done. Like eating yeast infections. I'll never do it again. Can you see a yeast infection? Oh yeah, it's creamy. Oh no, it's creamy. That's just excretion. It comes out like he's scooping it.

He's scooping it up like it's like he's making pizza. I've had it curdled. He's working dough. Chunky. You've had it curdled? I mean, I've pulled out my dick and it's been like chunks of white yeast all over it. That's not good. Again, the quality of the company that you keep is reflected in many shitty decisions that you've made in this crazy life what's wrong with

you boy she had diabetes she had diabetes and that affects your vagina oh yeah you get yeast infections all day that makes sense i guess your whole body's out of whack they say a lot of um a lot of issues that people have with various bacterial levels and things like that could be mitigated with just probiotics. That if people took probiotics all the time, there'd be less yeast infections, a lot less bacterial

issues. Yeah, a lot of aloe, drinking aloe. Do you eat healthy during quarantine? Yeah, I take probiotics every day. You look healthy as fuck. I just lost 25 pounds. Did you? Yeah.

What'd you do? Went on a juice fast. Well, I got a divorce, so that helps, yeah. 13 days, no food. Comics with divorces, that's rare. Usually it works out. It does, I know. It's like when a comic's happily married.

You go, is he okay? What's wrong with him? Is he all right? Is he still funny? Dice came to my wedding and he goes, first of all, he goes, look. He goes, I look at all your friends here. He goes, they're all a bunch of fucking creeps. I don't know where these people work.

He goes, here, take this. He just handed me a wad of cash. He goes, I'm not even going to leave an envelope because somebody's going to steal it. Put this in your pocket now. And then he whispers to me, he goes, look, your wife's lovely, and this is a great day for you guys, but just know one day she's going to hate your guts. He was right. Did they think, did, you're a wild man.

You're always doing stand-up. You keep crazy friends Did you date girls and think they could change you is it one of those things we're like he's a smart guy He's really nice. I just think that if I just get a hold of you know we'll work it out now Because I always went after the crazy ones. I never went after a normal one you probably should have Not pretty much now. I mean you know No, I didn't always like that the ones, so they weren't looking to tame anybody. How do you find a normal person?

You can't even find a normal person out here. Well, normal people are not going to find you, first of all. Where are you going? You're going to the comedy store. You're going to a bar. Just hang out at Applebee's. They got weekends off. You know, they work nine to five, and you're working weekends.

You never get to see them. That's when they want to hang with their friends and go to, like, fucking Applebee's or some shit. The other thing is that, as a comic, your hours are so fucked and your lifestyle is so crazy that unless the girl is living some sort of a crazy life of her own, she's not going to understand. Like a stripper. That's why they have, like, the same hours. Exactly. Well, a lot of comics wind up dating strippers for a bunch of reasons, but that's a big one of them.

It's just that some girls are like, you're out every night. I've had friends that I've lost. They don't do stand-up anymore because their wife got upset. They were out too much doing stand-up. If you're going to be a good comic, you have to work a lot. You have to work every week.

You might be able to take weeks off here and there, but essentially you're working several days a week every week, and you're doing it at night, and you've got to write, and you've got to work every week. You have to, I mean, you might be able to take weeks off here and there, but essentially you're working several days a week, every week, and you're doing it at night and you got to write and you got to work on new shit and you got to constantly be in that zone and you got to go to the clubs. You got to, you have to, if you don't do it, you're not going to develop material. Yeah. So if you're dating someone, they're like, why do you, I don't understand. You're not even getting paid for this.

You're getting like $15. Like, fuck, that is not, no, I'm working. Like, where do you think these jokes come from? They don't come from the fucking joke fairy. Like, these bitches need to grow. I got to go water the garden. You know, that's what you do. You go to the comedy store on a Tuesday night, you're watering the garden.

That's the fuck you're doing. Yeah, a lot of people can't get that concept. Working for food or just not working at all during the week. Doing sets. They want to hang out, watch a movie. It's Tuesday night. Yeah, I know that too. Or a TV show. Like, you're going to go out there watch a movie. It's Tuesday night. Yeah, no matter who. Or a TV show.

Like, you're going to go out there for free? How many people are going to be there? Four people? Is that worth it? They don't get it. Those conversations used to be so frustrating to me. But I get it from the girl's point of view. You know, she wants a normal life.

People want a normal life. They want someone who's going to home on you know, no daytime hours They don't want some guy who's calling him from from the road cuz he did ecstasy They want shit to be normal I get it but strippers don't so like if you're unless she really wants to settle down and be Normal and she's just she's in the last days of stripping like this is it. I'm almost 30. I'm so tired of this. It's such bullshit. Meet one of those. Yeah.

It's not a problem. But you got a wild 24-year-old? Jesus Christ. Forget it. Yeah. Jesus Christ, Tim Florentine. See, that's why I think cam girls is the way of the future, because when you're out at the comedy club, they could be squirting at home, you know, and then you just have like

a... You're still committed to that squirting thing. It is p it's been proven no it's been proven scientifically that it's p they have actual studies now tony hinchcliffe makes fun of you in his act actually it's completely wrong because oh scientist brian's here ladies and gentlemen forget all the retarded shit he said during the past two hours he's gonna clear things clear things up now with his intelligence and knowledge of squirting. When Vice did the article about squirting being pee. There's a lot of people who did an article on squirting being pee. I know, but it's the same base thing that even when we had What's-His-Face in here the other day,

he even goes, no, I get what you're saying. It's two different kinds. Have you ever had sex with a girl, and after you're done, there's a humongous water spot on your blanket? That's squirting. That's gushing. That's what I'm talking about. What those reports are talking about when it's shooting out, projecting, that's pee. That's obviously pee.

It's coming out of the pee hole. But gushing. Shut the fuck up. Gushing is what I'm talking about. Some girls you can hit a certain part of their G, and you'll feel like a flood come out. And that is not pee. And even Dr. Drew says it. A lot of people even say it.

Dr. Drew says it. Dr. Drew also says pot is addictive. He said that a long time ago. Dr. Drew's got a lot of problems. Oh, you let him go now because you're on his side when it comes to squirting. No, I think... That's what it is. He used to be anti-Dr. Drew when it came to weed, but squirting to him is more important than weed.

Squirting is his Bigfoot He will fucking argue with you if you tell him squirting is not real squirting is the Loch Ness monster Squirting is his UFO you know who thinks squirting is squirting is Jesus people that can't make girls squirt. Yeah, they can't do it No, you know, I mean know how to get you can drink a gallon of water and piss all over you You can feel it. You know, man. I just know. It's like when Jesus touches me. I can't describe it, bro.

I just feel it. You're saying every girl can squirt? Like you can make any girl squirt? I think most girls can squirt. Yeah. I think that... Drink a lot of water, hold it in, wait for Brian to finger him,

and piss all over him. What I'm saying is real, but... You're like a UFO fanatic. And I think most guys have had that experience What I'm saying is real. You're like a UFO fanatic. And I think most guys have had that experience when you're with a girl and you're like, holy shit, you were really wet this time. And you look down and there's a huge wet spot. That's what I'm talking about. Well, yeah, girls have vaginal, vaginal, rather,

lupus comes out of their body. Some girls are wet. But it doesn't ever squirt out. It doesn't ever squirt out like those videos where girls are going like this. That's the problem. Just fucking pissing all over the camera.

Right, that's the problem. That's pee. That's pee. Obviously, that's pee. Brian, you, like a slippery politician, have changed your stance. No, I've never changed my stance.

Because you used to say that the spray was a different type. I've never said that. It was different than urine. I've never said that. Well, the court would see when you see something squirt out of that girls pee hole. It's the last Podcast where squirting was discussed and Brian angrily yet again

Defended the art of squirting. I've always said the exact practice of squirting No, you definitely said squirting is real and now you're saying gushing We're doing the term what you guys are calling it squirting is in the business You know a lot of you like fucking Pedestrians you have your terms. I know your term squirting and as pros we refers to as gushing. It's gushing Yeah, she was a gusher. Yeah, right And that's what and that's what yeah What's confusing what people think squirting is make and stuff the people are confused a lot of things when you have sex with a girl

Sometimes it's a little wet right, but there's some times where you can have you could feel it Just pouring out of her and it won't stop and she's I mean She's gonna be like the Wicked Witch of the West and mouth if you were to take all that juice Throw it in a test tube. That's not pee. Okay, scientist Brian, why don't you go perform these tests? I've heard many people talk about it, including Dr. Drew. Bring up some facts. Dr. Drew about squirting. Go Google that. I don't need to. I already know

about it. I've talked about this a million times. So it's girls cum, then. It's a mixture of... No, it's not. But the scientists that have studied it say it's pee. But how do you know? I don't have a computer. No, it's not. But the scientists that have studied it say it's pee. It's not. But how do you know?

I don't have a computer. Because I just know. I don't need your fancy science. I don't have a computer in front of me. I have Jesus in my heart. Well, would you mind if it was pee? Huh? That's what we're trying to get at.

And that's another thing. That, huh, is the story of this whole conversation. And that's another thing because I've actually had a girl gush or squirt or whatever while I was eating her out before. So you had a girl pee in your mouth? It did not taste like pee. Because he knows. He's drinking a lot of pee. He's basically a pee sommelier.

It was a mixture. I have these hints of cosmo martinis the girls cum is usually has a hints of pee in it but it's not it's not urine okay and what about oak tannins all the stuff they find from those aged barrels it gets mad i'm not getting mad it's just you do definitely get upset when it comes to the topic of squirting. You defend it like it's a religious thing. Well, because people are so confused about it.

They are super confused. As a matter of fact, they're giving a lot of university-level courses on it because there's so much confusion about whether or not squirting is pee. No, what you see in porn is usually water that's been put up there or urine, like you said. But that's not what I'm fucking talking about. I'm talking about there's ways that you can hit the G spot with your dick and make the girl gush. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't think too many people bother that. They didn't squirt even a little in the old porns. What were they doing differently? Did they not know what they were doing back then? Tell me, Ron Jeremy didn't know how to lay some dick out? No, that's fake. That's what I'm saying is fake. What are you talking about?

I'm saying that the stuff that you see in porn that you guys think is squirting is water that has been put up there. You guys, you dummies. That's like you so-called Christians. He's like a religious fanatic over there. I don't think most people care. He cares. You could go, you know, this chick squirted last night. You're like, that's actually pee.

You're like, oh, really? And that's it. All right, well, then it was pee. Not him. What? Huh? Then it was in my mouth. All right, well, whatever.

I drank pee. I'll collect some. She was fucking hot. I'll collect some gush and send it to the lab. You're going to need rubber gloves. You're going to need a chain of command, chain of custody. You've got to scrape it up. You have a guy there in a sealed envelope.

Take it to the lab. I don't know what the fuck you're going to do with it on the way to the airport. Hopefully she doesn't have a yeast infection at the same time. Exactly. Because then that's going to mix in. Fuck with the studies. Frothy. Frothy.

Gosh. Definitely need to go back to smoking cigarettes, I'll tell you that. Why? Because your brain. What happened over the last few days is shocking. But what I've been saying right now is so accurate. It really is. The fact that you are actually defending squirting.

The fact that I can troll you so hard that I could just... All I have to say is squirting is pee. And you will go into a fucking frothy panic. Look at you. No, I'm not getting into a panic. It's just that people... Very defensive. It's annoying when people go... It's annoying when people insult my Jesus. It's like, dude, squirting is not real a panic. I just like people very defensive. It's it's annoying when people go

It's annoying when people on Twitter my Jesus wording. It's not real and like it's like all right Well, guess what that's coming your way today fella. I know What you're gonna handle red band re DBA. Yeah, they're gonna give you a lot of fucking medical studies on piss Yeah, the various properties of piss. It's gushing guys guys. I don't even know gushing guys Guys don't even know You're such amateurs You don't even know how to make a girl gush So you can make every girl Not every girl

But I can make a lot of girls Because of the shape of my dick And like a certain move What's wrong with it It's pointed towards my face So it's kind of like bent towards my face And if you put your Like a girl's legs up between your shoulders

Don't make me throw up Before the end of this podcast. We're about to end soon. So you got to put it over your legs. Yeah, usually. Over your shoulders. Her legs. Like, over, yeah.

And it's got to bend up. Well, I don't know if it has to bend up, but I'm just saying that that's why I think I've had such great success. You should give seminars. I just did. No, you just explained it. You should give seminars where you, like. No, you just explained it. You should give seminars where you walk around people, tell them, no, you've got to get your hips over here like a yoga class,

weight down here. Or he looks at every guy's dick. Nope, doesn't bend up. You're not going to do it. You're going to have to break your dick. I could take your money, but you're not going to be able to do it. No, as a young age, you could just put it underneath your belt buckle and it will grow that way around your belly. So every time you have a boner, just put it straight

up north. He's 40. He's a grown man. That reminds me of a Brady Bunch episode where Bobby wanted to be taller, so he hung from the swing set through his arms. Because he wanted to be taller. I remember that episode. That's what I put under the belt buckle. So it stays up. But your belly is a natural bend. No, but the Brady Bunch wasn't

real. He's a real person. He really fucking believes you're going to change the shape of your dick by tucking it in your balls. You know what? I'm wearing a belt right now. I'm going to do it on the right. Wrap it up. Tie it in a knot. Maybe get one of those real soft belts. Yeah, I'm looking for a squirter.

I've had some pretty good squirters. Okay, buddy. Alright, let's wrap this up. Belly button. Thanks for showing up. You're the best. Jim Florentine, what's going on, man? Where's the website at?

What's JimFlorentine.com? Yeah. And it's Mr. Jim Florentine on Twitter. Mr. Jim Florentine on Twitter. I'm going to be Amy Schumer's new movie. Oh, my goodness. What is this? July 17th.

What's the movie? Trainwreck. Oh, what is it? It's a comedy. Her movie with Judd Apatowth. July 17th. What's the movie? Trainwreck. Oh, what is it? It's a comedy. Her movie with Judd Apatow directed. Okay, cool. I just got a little part in it. Beautiful. But I didn't get caught because people have seen it and said it's a good scene. Excellent. Cool.

And then I just did an episode of Louie. Nice. And you got any comedy club dates coming up? Just this Wednesday night. Alright, Wednesday night. We'll all be at the comedy store. And then Baltimore at the end of the month. Hopefully Brian will be smoking by then. We'll get the old Brian back.

Or take him to a doctor. All right, I'll smoke. No, don't do it. And I got a podcast, too. Yes, what is it? Comedy Metal Midgets, Jim Florentine. Metal Midgets or Mental? Metal.

Metal. Comedy Metal Midgets. Yeah. Those three things in that order. Yeah, I just, it had a nice ring to it. Dude, I forgot to talk to you about this one dude I'll ask you off the air. But your friend who lives in Florida, some crazy friend I was listening to your radio show. Oh, Gary from Florida.

Is that the nutty dude who fucks all these girls and has all these ridiculous stories? Yeah, fucks them in the ass the first night. Cooks them a chicken marsala and then fucks him in the ass. Were you talking to him or were you talking about him? I don't remember. It was on the radio show. But I was, I sat in my car out here in this parking lot and was laughing like a mental patient. I was just with him this

past weekend. He's insane. He goes on these dating websites and gets these girls. He started when he was 35. He put in from 40 to 65 because he goes, no one at 35 wants to fuck those women. I will.

He's like, I'm not going after a 22-year-old. So some 52-year-old in Florida, single, you know, with big tits, divorced, tan, take him out one day. They go, look,

just feed me and fuck me. Wow. And he's like, first night, right in the ass. Whoa. Eight out of 10 times. Eight out of 10 times eight out of ten times eight out of ten wow he looks like a bloated tony danza like you know

so it works for him and they're like wow a 35 year old wants to fuck a 52 year old so he's got that market that's smart yo yeah he's always been like that hey leave a message i just fucked a 64 year old because she she was she wanted to be in bed by eight so i'm going back out trying to get another Hey, leave a message. I just fucked a 64-year-old. Because she wanted to be in bed by 8, so I'm going back out trying to get another one. Oh, my God. That is so bizarre. That's a smart move, though.

If you want numbers, you want to put up numbers. That's all he cared about was numbers. He's like, look, I got to get Hall of Fame numbers. That's all I'm looking for. And do these women get attached to him? No, they don't care. Or they just want dick? It's Florida.

They don't care. They don't care because Florida? Yeah, Florida, it's a whole other animal down there. They don't give a shit. They move from one to another to another. Really? Yeah, he might go see them one more time, and they don't even bother him after that. Really?

Especially an older woman. They're just set in their ways. They're like, look, I just want to get laid. Right. I can get that. Like, they're not looking for a man anymore. No, they just... He's going to come along, tell them what to do. Yeah. They go, look, I just want to get laid. Right. I can get that. Like, they're not looking for a man anymore. No. He's going to come along, tell them what to do.

Yeah. They go, look, man, I'm horny. It's been a while. Wow. A lot of times he'd try to do it without even getting dinner. Yeah, he's like, let me see. He'd try to pull that one off, just meet him for a drink. Right.

You know, his move was never to go, let's meet at 6. It was always like 8.30 so you didn't have to buy him dinner. He's like, they're definitely going to eat by then. So he had a strategy for saving money? Yeah, I'm like, Gary, you're banging her in the ass the first night. You probably could buy her dinner. It's worth it. It's worth a $150 dinner. Was it because he didn't want to take a chance of being stuck at dinner?

Or was he trying to save money? save money and just be a complete dirtbag that's the only reason because you get stuck in a horrible conversation if you commit to dinner and as you just met this person and like five minutes into the conversation realize they're fucking crazy like oh no I'm gonna have a meal with this person shit yeah then you just got to find the waiter I'll be right back you'll find the waiter give the money, and get the fuck out of Dodge before they even know what hit them. Just walk out the front door. Run.

Yeah, but what if you drove? I had that problem with that meth head chick a couple weeks ago. You drive. If she drove, you got a problem. Yeah. Well, then, even then, you just get an Uber. You live in the new world. It's the new world, Jim Florence.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about that crap. Well, he would just meet him for a drink, and then he figured if it was going to work, hey, let's go back always by his house close by within a mile. Hey, let's go back to my place. We'll have another one. But if he goes to his place, then he's got to get him out. They always want to leave right

afterwards. They don't want to stay. That's hilarious. I know. So they're just different. Yeah, a different animal. Different animal. Then a woman is trying to carve out a relationship like this is maybe Jim Florentine is the one. Maybe I could settle down with Jim Florentine and have some babies instead of that. She's like, nope, nope. I just want some dick. I'm 50.

I just want someone to fuck me in my mouth and then get out of the house. Pretty much. My nephew, my nephew just moved to Florida. He's 27. I mean, he is cleaning up down there. I said, are you going to put up like Coors Field numbers? You know what I mean? Like at Coors Field in baseball, because of the quality

of the air, the balls just fly out of there. The numbers are just skewered. He's almost like he's on roids. Right, because of the altitude in Denver? Yeah, absolutely. I said, when people look back at your baseball card from New Jersey to Florida, they go, alright, he was definitely doing roids. What was because of the altitude in Denver? Yeah, absolutely. I said, when people look back at your baseball card from New Jersey to Florida, they go, alright, he was definitely doing roids. What was going on in these years? He goes, no, I lived in Florida. Oh, okay, then he wasn't

doing roids. Yeah, Florida's the party state. It's insane. Those Florida Man Twitter notices, have you ever seen those? No, but Bert Kreiser? The page? Yeah, Bert Kreiser's from Florida. But Florida Man is a page on Twitter. And if you go to Florida Man on the Twitter feed, it's all news stories about a guy from Florida doing something retarded. Yeah.

And it's a different part of the world, man. It's a completely different part of the world. So if you're a guy who looks like a bloated Tony Danza. Bloated Tony Danza. You're just cleaning up on the girls who have made these terrible mistakes in the decades past. And now they're just kind of like settled in. Settled in, settled in their ways, but still get horny. In my 20s, I moved down there

because I wanted to get laid. Wow. You moved down there specifically because you wanted to get laid? I moved down there in high school. I finally moved down. I lived there for two years, and I made a couple friends, and then a couple years later, I went down there just to visit them, and I banged like three chicks in a week. I'm like, I didn't even have three under my belt my whole life. And then like six months later, I go, you know what? I'm just moving down there just so I them and I bang like three chicks in a week and I'm like I didn't even have three under my belt my whole life and then like six months later I go you know what I'm just

moving down there just so I can get laid and that's why it was the only thing now what do you think it is because it's such a transient state because that's a big part of what Florida is like people from the east coast just move down there yeah because you always get that you get them in that wild phase for a couple years right just go I want to get away from my family I just want to go have fun and I want to try it down here so you get those girls in that wild phase for a couple of years where I just go, I want to get away from my family. I just want to go have fun and I want to try it down here. So you get those girls in that phase and then eventually move back to wherever they are usually. Yeah. And a lot of like, you know, it's a lot of white.

It's a weird stakes, a lot of white trash and there's hot chicks in Miami to this rednecks all over. It's a weird, super weird state. Yeah, it's a weird state, too, because for the longest time it was how immigrants got into the country from Cuba and how they brought drugs in through Miami. So South Florida was just chaos. And then Northern Florida is basically Kentucky. Yeah. You know, you're basically living in the deep, deep South in Northern Florida. The further North you get, the more Southern United States you actually get.

Like Florida, like the South of Florida doesn't even seem like the south you know it's more like some weird fucking offshoot of long island yeah absolutely miami fort lauderdale all that west palm beach it's like long island meets the caribbean or long island meets cuba you know that's what it's like yeah it's like this weird fucking just people that just had to get the fuck out of Dodge and came down. Nutty ass fucking town to do comedy, too. Yeah, I was just down there in Miami. Did you stand up? Yeah.

Where were you working? This place called the Home Field Comedy Club. I guess it used to be an improv. It's in Kendall. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it was a good room. I mean, it's part of a sports bar. But they got their own back room and stuff where they do comedy.

It holds like 300 people. That's cool. Yeah, it was pretty good What are you doing over there actually a child? What why my child cuz you're playing with your phone while we're doing a podcast. I'm sorry I was just putting in Wednesday show at the Comedy Store in my calendar. Oh, thank you. Do you still go back to where you grew up? Do you do any stand-up where you... Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Jersey. Do you do stand-up near the area where you grew up?

Yeah, I mean, Distress Factory. You know Distress Factory in New Brunswick? Right. It's a comedy club. That's kind of where I started. That's a great spot. Yeah. New Brunswick's great, too, because it's a cool town. Cool town, next to rutgers you know i just filmed a comedy special there a few months back at vinnie brand's place no george street playhouse it's a theater for like a 400 seat theater oh cool i just did it there that's a good place to do it yeah i couldn't do it at vinnie's place it was too i don't i didn't want the comedy club feel i want more like a theater feel right

for it yeah i started doing my last one i did in a comedy club and i think more like a theater feel right for it yeah i started doing my last one i did in a comedy club and i think i'm going to do them in the comedy club from now on i think that doing them in a theater you just don't you lose something in a large large stage yeah and i feel like people at home you're watching you're in a living room you know it's an intimate spot like you i think you could relate more to someone on stage in front of like a couple hundred people than you than maybe a thousand. I think the model was to get it sold to a Netflix or

Showtime or HBO. They wanted it to look big. But now you can do it all on your own. It doesn't matter. As long as it's good. I don't think it matters. I'm also thinking from now on that it doesn't matter about edits and shit like that. I think you should have one camera. One camera that's in the center of the room, above the crowd,

catches like the first couple rows of the crowd and you. And that's it. Nothing moving around. Just one clear shot of what you're doing. Just like watching it in a comedy club. Because I think that all this like cutting it from the side and all this fancy shit they're doing with editing, it doesn't

exist when you go to see a comedy show. And when you go to see a comedy show, like it's the funniest thing you'll ever see in your life is a comic on stage killing in a comedy club. You're in the back of the room and you're just watching and laughing and you're just looking right at it. There's no crazy angles. There's no weird cuts.

There's no shots of the audience laughing. All that stuff's unnatural. Yeah. Yeah. Mine. I only had like the first two rows as I go to them maybe two or three times the whole show. That's it. I don't, I wanted it unnatural. Yeah. Yeah, mine I only had like the first two rows. I said go to them maybe two or three times the whole show. That's it. I wanted it dark.

Yeah, they wanted that. I'm like, I don't need that. They can hear the laughs. And you know what? People at home know if they want to laugh or not. I don't need a laugh track. Yeah, they like to light up that audience. They light up the audience.

That's weird because everybody gets like self-conscious. Yeah, that's always the worst. That's a weird style that they have of doing these comedy specials. They have this set up at the Irvine Improv. Have you done that place yet, the new place? No, I haven't done the new one. Fucking amazing. I was just there last weekend.

They have it set up for a comedy special. So when you're in the green room, if you're watching, you can watch on TV just the camera they have. You're like, holy shit, that's perfect. That's all you need. The one camera they have that catches the entire stage that you're watching you watch on tv just the camera they have you're like holy shit that's perfect that's all you need like the one camera they have that catches the entire stage that you're on like the camera can follow you they can move it a little bit if you go left or right and that's all you need it's really it's set up perfect yeah i mean it seems like you know the comedy specials used to cost like a quarter million to shoot that was basically the number you needed

to raise or whatever now you could do it for fucking 15 grand, 10 grand, and it can look amazing. It's in the last like three or four years. What changed? The cameras and just, you know, you don't have to rent out the biggest theater somewhere, the Wiltern or wherever, you know, where it's going to cost a ton of money and hire a real big crew and all that stuff and have seven different cameras. I think you could do it. Everything's getting cheaper and cheaper.

Yeah, Hinchcliffe did his entire show. and all that stuff and have seven different cameras. I think you could do it. Everything's getting cheaper and cheaper. Yeah, Hinchcliffe did his entire show. He did it with one shot, one camera, follows him into the club, follows him on stage, pans of him on stage. The whole thing was shot with one camera. Joe, remember when I used to go on the road with you and I would have two cameras on the sides, one camera in the middle,

and then I would just have a camera that would walk around and do zoom-ins, and that right there, it was a whole special, a comedy special. Yeah, that's all you need, really. I think they over-engineer those fucking things. They really do. They have boom mics. I've seen people have boom mics. They scan the entire crowd and get up to the stage.

Like, what are you doing? That just takes away from what this guy's talking about. Yeah, next one I'm going to do in a comedy club. I want to, yeah. A small little theater, like, you know, a little space, maybe in New York, 200 seats, something like that. Yeah, I think that's the future. Like, Louis C.K. did his thing at the comedy store.

He did his last one in the main room. That was great. That's kind of a big room, too. The main room's kind of big. It's got, like, a high ceiling. That's a very unusual club in the sense that it seems a lot bigger than it really is. It's only like 300 people, right? Yeah, 300, 350, I think, if they pack it in there.

But it seems less intimate than a lot of rooms that are that size. There's a lot of comedy clubs that have 300 people that seem way more packed in. That's such an old-school showroom with know, with the big giant stage and everything. The lights. Yeah. That's like as old school as it gets, that place. But, yeah, doing those, like, you feel like you're there. You know, doing something at the store, doing something at the Ice House.

You feel like you're there. If you're watching a guy on stage at Madison Square Garden, you know, you can enjoy it. But you don't really, I don't think you ever really feel like you're there if you're watching a guy on stage in Madison Square Garden you know you can enjoy it but you don't really I don't think you ever really feel like you're there I think that Kevin Hart's gonna do he's doing financial field is what Eagles play a stadium Jesus Christ and I think that's gonna be his next special oh yes need doing like 60,000 60,000 people that's insane well he has a crazy show though He doesn't do just stand-up. He has, like, explosions. He has pyrotechnics.

Like, he hits punchlines and a fire goes off behind him and shit. He has, like, a screen that changes behind him. Like, he'll start talking about a place where he was at, and then the screen behind him will be of that place. Really? Yeah. It's a pretty sophisticated setup, apparently. He has, like, a whole, like, group of employees. They, like, are a road team, apparently. He has a whole group of employees. They're like a road team that have to set up a stage.

That's not a small production. That's a fucking major league production what he's doing. So he's like the kiss of stand-up. Yeah, for sure. Well, he is definitely, no one has ever sold more tickets than that guy. No. In comedy, that guy sold out the Boston Garden two shows in a Sunday night. On a Sunday night.

I believe it was Sunday. I'm pretty sure. But either way, two shows in a night at the Boston Garden. That's fucking crazy. That's like 30,000 people. I mean, I've never heard of anybody doing that. He's probably, it used to be probably it was Dice, and then it was Dane Cook. And I think Kevin Hart has eclipsed both of them.

I think so. Yeah, for 60,000 people at Financial Field. But I heard that Larry the Cable Guy does numbers like that in the South. That he did, Josh Wolfe opened up for him and took a photo of the audience. He was at a football stadium. And Josh Wolfe's on stage, and he's taking a selfie of, there's 50,000 fucking people behind him. It's nuts. He said that he'll do like football stadiums.

Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, I mean, he was like, I guess, right before Dane. And then when Dane came, he kind of took the torch from him. Bob, I mean. And then Russell Peters. You got to think Russell Peters, too. Yeah, Russell Peters, he kills it outside the country. But I don't think there's a place in America where you could do it.

It's like 50,000 people. No, he's done Barclays Center in Brooklyn. He sold that out, 20,000. it outside of the country, but I don't think there's a place in America where he could do that. It's like 50,000 people. No, he's does 20, like he's done Barclay center in Brooklyn. He sold that out 20,000. He's done the garden before, but not, he can't do, I don't know if he does two or three nights, but he's selling a lot of tickets. Aziz did two shows at the garden in one night. The garden is such a crazy place for standup. Cause you think about the garden, you think about like great heavyweight title fights

and shit like that. I know someone would be on stage at the Garden telling jokes. Billy Joel's got the craziest gig. He goes to the Garden once a month. Once a month. That's what he does. Drives in. Probably drives a motorcycle, that crazy fuck.

Drives down to the Garden. Gets on stage. Kills it. Has all these... All the old women that your friend fucks in Florida, they all fly up for that. Absolutely. They're probably going off all over themselves. What are you doing over there, Brian?

How come you're not? I was trying to think of Steve Martin. Didn't he used to sell out like arenas? He did big places for sure. Before he quit. Right. Before he quit, he did some large places. But he hit that point.

We've talked about this a bunch of times on the podcast where he hit that point where he didn't know what was funny anymore because people laughed at anything he did. Yeah. He was Steve Martin. You get out there, they were just so happy to see him. They start... Patton Oswalt has a fucking hilarious bit about... Remember I told you about that casino I did north of Seattle?

And I got there. It was like the most drunk audience I've ever performed for in my fucking life. I've never had more people heckle. Like at a big casino when they're spending a lot of money. It was nuts. It's called Twilip. And I was in my car, Twilip? Twilip. I was in my car just randomly. I have Patton Oswalt's new comedy CD on my phone. And so randomly, it was playing all these different things. And the thing, it would play a song, then it would play someone's bit. I just put it on random. And it played Patton Oswalt's bit

about going to that fucking very same casino. No way. I didn't even know he had a bit on it. It's hilarious because I'm like, this is the place. I could relate on such a level

because I had fucking just worked there. Right. They pay a shitload of money too. I mean, it's ridiculous how much money they pay. And you're like, wow, this is crazy. They're paying a lot of money, and it's like an hour outside of new of Seattle so you drive an hour from Seattle and then you get there and once the show starts you realize exactly why they're paying you

So much right like nobody wants to work here like this is they have to pay you a lot of money to get you to Deal with this crowd Maniacs the drunkest fucking people have ever performed for But they were great Just heckling or no? Oh yeah A lot of heckling I barely got bits out I think I made I did an hour plus on stage

Maybe an hour and ten I might have got two bits out Maybe three Maybe two Who opened for you? Tony? Tony opened Yeah

How did he do? Did he Tony did well Was it Tony Or was it Thompson I'm trying to No I'm pretty sure it's Tony. Yeah, he did great.

Tony's funny. You know, he's got good jokes. Tony's like, you know, he knows how to like. Well, that's his crowd too, the heckler, you know. Oh, yeah, for sure, if someone was heckling. But they were good. You know, I mean, they were just really fucking hammered. I just think that a lot of those people that live out there, there's not a lot to do.

They just get fucked up. Yeah, go to the casino, get messed up. Yeah, that outside of Seattle area is very different than the Seattle area. Like, people look at Washington State, they go, oh, yeah, Seattle. Well, sort of. Go an hour outside of Seattle, and you've got that place where that Enumclaw, where that guy got fucked to death by the horse. Yeah. Well, they used to have no laws on whether or not people can have sex with animals.

So people flocked to there and moved in. They started farms and filmed them fucking animals and having animals fuck them. Like, that's an hour outside of Seattle. Yes. So don't get it twisted. Washington State's a crazy place. It's got a lot of great spots in it, but it's a crazy place. But Seattle is not representative of most.

Like California. You know, everybody thinks's a crazy place. But Seattle is not representative of most. Like California. Everybody thinks that L.A. is like California. Okay, go to Bakersfield. It's not that far away. Take a drive. Take a drive up to some of the weird fucking spots near the mountains off the 118. I remember the first time, even when I went to Sacramento, when I landed at the airport, I'm like, what the fuck?

This is California? Exactly. Go to Fontana. They used to call it Fontucky when we were doing Fear Factor out there. Fontucky. Yeah. Dude, I know there was a place nearby where a meth lab blew up in this guy's backyard. Yeah.

Guy had a fucking meth lab in his backyard. Normal, regular, everyday California community. California, we think of California, everybody immediately thinks of like Beverly Hills, Hollywood. Just drive an hour outside in any direction, you might as well be in Oklahoma. There's a lot of spots in California that are fucked up. Wow.

That drive up to San Francisco where you go through all the agricultural towns. If you're a kid and your mom shit you out in one of these towns You know to go to these local schools and Jesus Christ And you know you're just a two-hour drive to LA if you could just get a car Just get a car you could fucking end this nonsense So a moment in high school the moment you get some freedom your friends got a fucking car You got a full tank of gas. Let's do it. We're going into the LA. Let's go to LA

You drive down and wish you lived here. See all the civilized people. No dirt roads. Just wish. You wish you could be here. So this funky fucking agricultural town with right-wing Republican billboards everywhere. Everywhere you go,

all these different Republican candidates for president and senator. They're super right-wing up there. And they're fighting over water now. Now when you drive up there, it's all these things about water rights. Like, go to this website. Check out this. We need to establish our water rights.

It's weird. Almonds apparently suck up a bunch of it can we just stop using almonds if we just no almonds and no golf how much water would we have fuckload almonds yeah almonds apparently talk takes a lot of water to make an almond yeah i think it still wouldn't help though it would only help a little like they say, apparently, this is the worst drought that California has ever on record. And that we're four years into this fucked up drought. That they need something like 11 trillion gallons of water just to break even. And the unlikelihood of that happening.

Pump it out of Houston. They're about to get flooded tomorrow. Again. Yeah, right? If they could pump oil out of Houston Why can't they pump water Yeah Because we don't use as much oil As we use water

That's why I answered my own question Alright Jim Florentine Let's wrap this podcast up Anything else you want to say to the people No that's it man It was a pleasure doing the podcast It's a pleasure having you on fella

Absolutely man Good to see you buddy It's been a long time It has been a long time. Mr. Jim Florentine on Twitter. JimFlorentine.com, right? Yeah. Facebook, got all that jazz. Yeah, all that shit. Do you Periscope? No.

No? Well, Brian Redband does. Brian Redband has had 10,000 people watch him at once. That's great. It's too much. It's the highlight of his life. It's too much. I can't. Can't do it? Enough? Yeah. I don't know Can't do it enough? Yeah. I don't know. Like I said, I'll wait for six months.

There'll be a new one, and I'll jump on that. There will be, or Periscope will be undeniable. It'll be too late. We'll be at the Comedy Store this Wednesday night. There's a new material show at 8 o'clock, and then I'm doing that, and then I'm doing the show at 10 o'clock with these two fine gentlemen. And then this weekend, Friday and Saturday, I'm at the Belly Room. I'm in the Belly Room at the store with Ian Edwards.

Until then, all right, bye-bye. Thank you.