The Joe Rogan Experience - #667 - Kurt Metzger

Episode Date: July 1, 2015

Kurt Metzger is a comedian, actor and writer. He also has a podcast called "Race Wars" he co-hosts with comedian Sherrod Small available on Spotify.

We are here live with Kurt Metzger, the president of the Donald Trump fan club. And he's going to let us know about the campaign hopeful and exactly what's going to happen with Mr. Trump once he becomes president. Kurt? I'm all for a Trump president. What did he say? He's going to be the biggest economic turnaround? He made some big promises. He got fired from NBC, man.

Did you hear about that? He's suing. I'm going to sue. Donald Trump? He got fired. NBC, man. Did you hear about that? He's suing. I'm going to sue. Donald Trump? He got fired. Oh, for his... Oh, his firing show. Yes, he got fired from the fire show.

Oh, an ironic end for him. It is. He says he's going to sue, though. He'll have the last laugh. Why is he suing them? What are they firing for? Well, he made a bunch of disparaging comments about Mexicans, about people crossing the border. And it was, you know, he just was talking.

He was talking like a rich guy with no sense whatsoever that he could be held accountable. I love that. Yeah. I love that blather where you just can't lie and hide it. You've got to let it out. But I never blame like the corporation you know that has to fire whoever for a thing like that's what i expect them to do it's a business you know

what i mean like i would never put that on them if i got fired from something i would like to sue them after that seems fucking a little crazy i think he just sues anybody who gets in his way he's a fucking steamroller a steamroller of of lawsuits. Does he win, though? I don't know. He has a rock-solid contract, is what TMZ said. So it's like, that's why he's doing it. And it's a beauty pageant. So they fired him from that and then Mexico said

that they won't put a woman in his beauty pageant. It's over. What is it? Miss Universe, is that? Miss Universe. So, uh, it's a rough week for a fucking multi-billionaire They have Donald Trump is he not as our pinatas are like going crazy though in Mexico everyone's beating like really Trump Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, they get mad man. I don't you know, that's not like I guess I'm gonna East Coast It's not like a thing like I don't I don't like any strong feelings about immigration

Like I saw I never know how to like I didn't call her on my show right and her she wants about her book adios america right about like the illegals are coming and i'm like i don't really have any i'm like well i don't give a shit if they come like why can't we go after their employers yeah why can't you why can't okay jay why why can't you yeah Okay, Jay. Why can't you? The thing about Mexico and California is that Mexico you can just drive to. And a lot of people over from Mexico, you had a good point. There really isn't a place like that on the East Coast. Right. Except for Cuba.

Right. Cuba's got the Miami thing, or Miami and Cuba are right next door to each other. So a lot of Cubans. Did you have friends or like i'm one of my best friends from uh college this dude from peru was telling me how cube is a utopia that was his term it is if you like 1950s cars yeah i guess i like nobody's on a inner tube floating to cuba that i've ever heard of that's just why i don't buy well they have some good things you know they seem to seem to be, like, really nice people.

They have a great sense of community and family. Have you ever been there? No. Oh. But I wish I could tell you why I may go. But I'll tell you off air. Sorry, folks. It's a secret.

But what you see down there, for real, is these incredibly restored, old 1950s American cars. Oh, yeah? Because that was the last time they were getting cars. Oh, right, yeah. Look at all these cars. This is Cuba. Oh. This is like when you...

Oh, I can finally film my 50s gang musical. Yeah, I mean, I don't know how they're doing this. You know, what they do with the bodies, or how they make sure that these bodies stay restored. If they're remanufacturing them. I don't know how they're doing that. Like some old cars, they take like some old cars and then people will make new body parts for those old cars. The cars are made of people, Joe. Did you know?

What? But look at this. This is Cube. I mean, there's a few new cars in there. One on the left-hand side. But there's a lot of this, man. That's cool. That is cool.

It's weird, right? And you said you're going for sex tourism? Shut the fuck up! Jesus, Kurt Metzger! I don't know how long... That looks fucking kind of cool, actually. How long have they been using these old cars? Like, that is older than the embargo, right?

The embargo happened in the 60s. They really built them back then, you know? You know what I'm saying? So, like, these are really old cars, though. Like, that up on top, I think that's a 57 or a 56 Chevy. That blue one to the middle. Yeah. I'm pretty

sure that's a 50s. Like a late 50s car. Like that taxi. It looks like the Morgan Mini chair. That's a real taxi. The egg. The Nanu Nanu egg egg 1952 oldsmobile wow so there are a few like see there's fairly modern cars in the background it's a modern truck but i guess you see a lot of these old cars it's kind of wild man it's like a time machine you know if you go back there

oh that's cool well they're all cool but but they're driving them is like driving a living room. They're retarded The dumbest shape ever for like getting around I think that fucking Fiat's a stupid shape that commercial Yeah, he's running like that women want to fuck it. Yeah. It's the dumbest. It's shaped like DeRose. They have weird commercials. Their commercials almost always involve fucking. Yeah. Remember the one time there was a kid in the back seat and all the bras and all the girls getting changed

in the front seat and all the bras and everything are flying on him and he's just sitting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, I fucking hate those commercials. For the same reason you'd read like a feminist blog hating that commercial. Or for a different, like I hate it too, but I think they hate it for a reason different than my reason. Right.

Like, I'm insulted by it. They hate it because it's objectifying women. All women are just there to be sexual playthings and throw their bra on your face while they're driving. Yeah, I know the difference. Everybody really believes that that really changes you so much, like the little extraneous shit that you look at. Changes your perceptions. It bothers me because I resent the idea that I would just,

oh, tits, okay, I'll buy a Fiat. Oh, tits. That's annoying to me that someone would think I was that dumb. But I don't understand the objectification. You know what's the worst objectification? Those fucking top ten worst beach body lists. You ever see that shit? Yes.

That ain't for men. Who's reading that? That's what my girlfriend, like, which girl has the shittiest body? I would never even look at a list like that. Yeah. How is me, like, the burger commercials, like, nicer, you know? Unless there's someone on there that you used to think was hot. Then you might check out see

how far the slide has gone like oh you might look you might look in the train wreck way but yeah those things are for women yeah but some women it doesn't mean define like it's like if you're creating characters for fiction and the idea that you can't create a cunt you know you can't make a slut you can't make a girl who's all fucked up in the head. Well, they exist in life. And if you're making fiction, your fiction doesn't necessarily have to represent anything other than what's in your head. What's the wacky story

you're trying to get out? You don't have any obligation to use a certain amount of Asians. You don't have any obligation to use a certain amount of white people or black people. Your obligation is to make something cool up. Make it up. Pull it out of your head. Well, look, people worry about entertainment like that.

That's a very, when I was religious, that was our, when I was Jehovah's Witness, dude, like every fucking thing I watched, like Smurfs was off limits for some fucking bullshit reason, right? They wouldn't let you watch the Smurfs? Yeah, I mean, and it was so white, really, but there's, I don't know, there's some demonic thing with that. And it's all this fucking,

and then I remember the Simpsons, somebody came in and gave a talk, Brother Tucker, his name was. He was like the traveling overseer was his title, right? And he would come and like give talks in the congregation. I was in meetings like

three nights a week. So he gave this whole fucking talk about all this shit that like, how E.T. was bad. E.T.? Yeah, because he healed the boy and like now who do we know is the only person who can heal oh like i might start believing et is the real jesus that's the fear wow and then the simpsons had rebellion against authority

with bar and disrespect of like your elders so that's so i could hear the mothers i'm not like my kid watch it i could hear them chattering after that like that's so i could hear the mothers well i'm not like my kid watch it i could hear them chattering after that like that's what this shit is now it's like what is what's the representation it's not propaganda some shit's just candy you know so we were talking about this before the podcast do you think that some like overtly upset pc people that what they're doing is almost like a form of like protecting the Lord. Almost like a form of fighting against blasphemy. Yeah, I remember those

people from my church. I remember all of them that were like, oh, well you something. So they're just doing that same behavior. I believe that 100%. I think you're right. You don't know it's the exact same thing? Yeah. I don't even, listen, I don't even mind them. As long as you're not trying to get me fired, you can say whatever. But if you want to criticize, I'm not against criticism.

That's fine. Do I have to be fired? Can we not do that part of it? Well, that is where you find out exactly what kind of people they are. What exactly are they trying to accomplish? Are they trying to engage in discourse with a reasonable person? You're a reasonable guy. You'll have conversations with people.

But that's the thing. They want you instantly labeled as an unreasonable person who's not to be debated. Well, you shouldn't even have to bring it up. You should just know what the right thing is to do. Remember the anti-Seinfeld? Mm-hmm. Like, well, you know, Seinfeld... By the way, Chris Rock said the same thing, right?

Yeah, of course. About colleges are too easy. But he's allowed to Yeah, there was not sin Seinfeld comes out, and it's like well He's irrelevant and an old man something which by the way. That's like saying someone's fat. Yeah I don't see the difference in that homonym right I mean it's diffusing his his argument and what he's saying is you know what Jerry Seinfeld was saying was that the Colleges are to PC and they'll call you on everything well the thing with his daughter

of these they don't even know what the fuck these words mean and what constitutes that right and that's exactly right that's i don't think that pc ruins comedy like people who are funny are still funny it kind of fucks up audiences right so we both i i have the same goal as one of these pc people like i think people should be more sensitive to each other and all that shit, right? I do as well. But their system is not going to create that. It's just going to create fucking people that shut down at buzzwords. Right.

So that's not helping. It's not accomplishing anything. It's also a game. There's a total that's being run. Yeah. On one side, people are trying to catch you for things they can catch you with. It's just like what happens with cops. When you start giving cops the ability to start writing out tickets and you give them the ability to play this game.

And this game is to try to get the bad guy. Right. You're involved in a game. Right. Well, you're in a game with them, too. And their game is to get offended. Right. Let me find some shit to get offended at.

And then they find it. I got one. I fucking got one. Yeah. And they get get that one they want to parade that one out they want to publicly shame it's like like that lady on game of thrones shame shame that's what they're doing yeah it's like uh it's like talking to bill collectors dude they're like watch uh please don't swear sir yeah like oh i can't help you if you're... I think I said, like, scumbag about... It's unbelievable.

Please watch your language, sir. It's like that. That's just an easy out. Yeah, that's a gross out. I like it. I can be reasoned with, so... If somebody has an argument that talks me out of it, I'm not entrenched, you understand? So just, if you're going to educate me, do it.

I'll listen to you. You were involved in something like that. What was going on where someone was trying to fire you for something from uh yeah there's uh this uh what do you call it remember sam morel that was like a it was it was the great rape joke war of uh 2012 just a great rape joke war remember that whole fucking thing daniel tosh thing yeah so it was, so Sam Morrell used to have a joke. Uh, he was having sex with this woman. It was making him really uncomfortable.

Oh, he's having sex with this black woman. It was making him really uncomfortable. She kept using the N word and he goes, you know, no, right. So somebody wrote a whole article about that.

So the joke's like, whatever, a throwaway joke. But there was a whole thing about how fucking terrible he is. So I did a thing with him where we said the person that wrote this article is not a real person okay and she was something we invented to make some point about free speech and i had a couple people on facebook say like oh the jig is up and so it spread pretty quick that she's not real okay and she got fucking furious from that so she went

through my whole Facebook and by the way, don't go on my Facebook. I can't say that enough to people. I don't need you and it's not good. She went through every post she could find to just cut and paste shit. Out of context. Jokes. Clearly jokes.

And made a collage out of it, which was pretty awesome actually. It looked pretty cool. And had this thing to get me fired. But I wasn't going to get fired. But I had to have, like, I had to, like, call my, have a call from my producer and shit. I never even equated my job with any of this. You know what I mean? That was, like, well, I'm dumb.

Because I didn't realize that would spill over into my, you know, my day job. Well, the fact that she's got the kind of time to do that to someone who criticizes her or makes Like a little mock well she has a borderline purse She has a mental illness like we should be committed for which I didn't know I wouldn't even made a joke like that Probably was like a beautiful mind for her But I did that if I knew she had that I wouldn't have done that all right she has something wrong with her So people with that that disorder borderline personality disorder they take shit way harder than like regular folks yeah so you did it in response for this guy getting raked over the I was actually jealous

that he was getting attention that's how stupid I am I was like I have been offensive where's my thing so then I got my wish took it to the next level. So what was the most heinous infraction that you were guilty of for doing that? Oh, so much, dude. What were the terms they used, shit lord? No, but you know what? It's called the disturbing online trail of Kurt Metzger. Oh, that's what it really is. That was the name of the article.

The online trail. It's a real smear job, dude. That's beautiful. I was shocked how smeary it was, where I'm like, wow, you really managed it. But it's still kind of funny. They still didn't, even in the effort to make it bad, but it's the most unfair. I can't even believe the amount of bullshit. So it's pretty easy for someone to do it. And I think still to this day, I'll get random, like people are angry at me.

And it's to this day from that. That's hilarious. Yeah. So it's like, it can affect you something. I know it's affected me somehow. This bullshit fucking article. Only in good ways. Anybody that gets offended by that, you didn't want them in the first place.

Anybody that can't see, you can't like read through that and go, wait, you didn't want them in the first place. Anybody that can't see, you can't like read through that and go, wait, what's going on here? What is the whole story? Oh, oh, they are mocking you and they said you weren't a real person. Like you were, you were a parody account and then you're angry. I don't know why that's so. Well, cause people were putting up fake accounts of her all over the place, which I didn't

tell anyone to do that. And by the way, I repeatedly, my fucking stupid fans, I can't ask them enough not to get involved in a thing. You can't ask them to not get involved, because it's not your say. They want to get involved, because it's fun for them. But it's not you. It's them. Fine. I wash my hands of you doing anything. You may, but she invites that, because what she's doing is online. This is a totally open arena.

So for you to say to your friends, don't give her a hard time. Why is there a comment section? Why is there a comment section? If you're writing nonsense, why did you leave a comment section? Oh, you're going to heavily edit the comment section and chop out all relevant criticisms? She's like somebody who would have had on my show if it hadn't gone to that. You know what I mean? I don't want to alienate the people.

I want to get whoever I can to come on my goddamn podcast, because I'm not into like... I'm not trying to like... What's it called, by the way? Race Wars. It's me and Gerard Small. And we're going to Sirius pretty soon for four weeks for a trial, but it'll still be a podcast. But yeah, we have... I'll have like a trial, but it'll still be a podcast. iTunes is the whole deal?

Yeah, yeah. Website? SoundCloud and iTunes, you can get it on. The last one we had, Ann Coulter, the managing editor at Jezebel. Jesus Christ. This girl, Carolyn Castiglia, who's a comic. Do you hate life? It was great. It was one of the bestlia, who's a comic who... Do you hate life? It was great.

It was one of the best episodes. And I had a fucking slam poetry contest. Really? A slam poetry contest? Dude, you didn't see the fucking YouTube video of Rape Joke, the slam poetry finals? No, I missed it. Oh, it was brutal, dude. What is it? It's these two girls doing a, like, each one says the next line kind of slam poem.

Uh-huh. Like, that they rehearsed. They're like, knock, knock. Who's there? Rape joke. Wait a minute. Rape joke who? What is this?

Is it a pair? Your rape joke's not fucking funny. And the crowd goes nuts. It's a, no, it's a real thing. It's like slam, if you go on Upworthy, that's what they love, is like slam poetry. Right. It's a slam poem. Upworthy?

What is Upworthy? You've never been on that? No. Seriously? It's, is, like, slam poetry. Right. It's a slam poem. Upworthy? What is upworthy? You've never been on that? No. Seriously? It's, uh, like, things you're supposed to... It seems familiar. Dude. What is it?

Is it, like, dig? It's, like, uh, here's, like, an upworthy title, like, this video of elephants getting married will blow your mind, and then you see, like, a little short clip, or else it's, like, this little transgendered girl explains it all. Oh. What she said blew me away. You know like those are all the headlines and you're not blown away. It's the shit on Facebook where

yeah I hate that crap where it says something like you won't believe what happens next when this dog comes home from war. No no no no you don't understand Brian. It's like super lefty what he's saying. But this is look it reads like my old religious Jehovah's Witness literature. But here's why they're wrong.

You know, celebrate diversity. Don't squash it. Here's why the president is wrong. Like those kind of questions, right? Or those kind of titles. That's a little more thoughtful than the titles, I would think. But there's like, you know, Kurt Metzger is evil and a problem for America. Here's what's wrong with his comedy.

That's too specific. No, they're misleading. It's always like, get ready to have your mind blown. Let's what's wrong with his comedy. That's too specific. No, they're misleading It's always like get ready to have some of their titles going. Yeah, go ahead and pull that back Yeah, it's like although it's it's a bring it looked at one today where it was Somebody's can't scroll up to this. There's like probably a lot of parody sites of it too by now Okay, how seven things that have nothing to do with rape perfectly illustrate the concept of consent. Watch, it's not going to perfectly illustrate. But how crazy is that? The first thing they go to is rape. There's a little bit of

rape obsession going on. You know, I know it's an awful, heinous crime, but god damn, it comes up a lot. You know, I mean... Yeah, I don't think awareness has to be raised more about it, but I don't know. I don't think there's anything be raised more about it, but I don't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with raising awareness, but it seems to me there's like a massive focus on it.

Well, you're not going to look. Law enforcement has to do their job with it. You know, you know, all those rape kids they have backed up like that's fucking a big problem with rape. It's backed up. Yeah. Like they haven't checked them. Yeah.

Like I said, top Jamie. But the things you see now is this idea that just a little education is going to stop this. And you can educate men not to rape, but you're not a rapist. That's what they do. You're not going to educate them out of that. So that's why law enforcement is supposed to take care of that. Well, I mean... You don't have to tell me not to rape.

I get it. That's a bad thing to do. I think, for sure, there's something about society's attitudes towards it that would make it more. Look at this. Instead of teaching women how to avoid rape, let's raise boys specifically not to rape. Hey, good luck with that. People that do that are like that. Pedophiles are like that.

They just come out. You know what I mean? Well, I definitely think that growing up in a certain household, if your household is fucked up and you're you know, your dad is just a piece of shit towards women. And you see that you grow up with that. But you're not going to change that with a cartoon. You're just not. There's nothing you can do but lock them up. They're like there's nothing you can do but lock them up.

But the only way to do it that makes any sense at all would be to somehow or another raise better kids. You know, you'd have to figure out how to engineer that, and that is not a small task by any stretch of the imagination. Listen, maybe we can breathe that out, but I'm saying in the meantime, while we're working on that, which absolutely should happen, also watch your back until that problem is taken care of. I shouldn't have to chain my bike up either,

but it could get stolen if I don't. This is seven things that have nothing to do with rape perfectly illustrate the concept of consent It says want to watch Pulp Fiction guy says sure half hour later, and I'm not really liking this Let's do something else and the guy puts his hand on him and says no you said you'd watch the movie So you're staying till it's done So he's gonna fuck that guy face. No.'re staying until it's done so he's gonna fuck that guy basically no he's like it's like he's raping him by forcing him to watch a movie any guy that cares about whether or not you watch a movie is gonna fuck you just waiting for the drugs to take all that's double rape

because double rape you he's movie raping you and real raping you. Yeah. He's a rape, rape, rapist. These are all terrible. Thank you for letting me borrow your car. No problem. The next week. What are you doing? Borrowing your car. You said I could.

If anybody fucks you for a week, that guy deserves a trophy, first of all. It's a terrible analogy. You can't take my car whenever you want it. That's bullshit. You said I could have it once, so I should be able to have it all the time. Her car pussy. I get it. It's car pussy, and for a week.

The dude's fucking her for a week. That's what they're trying to get you to think. This guy's so virile. I can't even read these. I know. They're not even entertaining enough. They're hurting my brain. It's just such a...

Who is this message for? Exactly. Who is the message for? You know, it's duh. It's all duh. It's duh. for? Exactly. Who is the message for? You know, it's duh. It's all duh. It's duh. Don't rape. Duh. Don't be racist. Duh. Remember No More, the fucking Law & Order commercial? All the cast of

Law & Order SVU. Right. You know, No More Sexual Assault, which is a good call. They're gonna stop it. Yeah, we're all for that. They're gonna do it. I'm not one of these guys that's for it, okay? So then, their slogan's No More, which, if there's one thing a rapist understands, it's the word no. So good work with that. And then they act like they can't even speak.

Did you ever see that? It's all the actors from SVU. And they just go like, ah. And it cuts to the next one. And he's like, no, no. And they cut to Mariska Hargitay. Oh, God, no. She goes, can we stop?

Can we just stop? And it says, sexual assault is hard to talk about. Is it really? Cast of Law and Order, SVU. They're on a rape show for 16 years. They can't bring it up now. Their whole show's rape and murder. It's just the hammiest fucking shit.

Yeah, they make money off of rape and murder on that show. That's all that show's about. That's porn for old people. That's who watches that shit. Old people don't fuck. They get all titillated by murder shows. Who's going to see that and just go, damn, I was going to go raping. I know, right?

Shit. All right, Dan Florek. You got me, you fuck. Yeah, that didn't help one person, I bet. Not one single person of course not Then none of that works. You can't just tell people to not do things well There should be an environment Here's the thing you work on if somebody got raped that they feel like they can report it like that's what should make yes

That's the whatever the attitude is to work on is the whole key is everybody's got to report it when it happens Which some people don't want yeah, and then we're so no good well remember kill steen was on this is the thing that drove me nuts when I want to come the show was when he said rapes worse than murder so that's not really helping a victim to tell them they're better off dead then that's not really very kind Jamie do you understand and so that's how people don't report their rape because they don't want to be known as someone that something worse than murder happened to right you know no one ever stopped

any sort of crime by because of a slogan give a hoot don't pollute maybe you know maybe maybe only you could fight for as far you know maybe you stop some people with one of those cartoons yeah I think that could work don't rape don't be an ape and please don't rape.

Cut it out, pedos. Yeah. Cut the stop fucking kids, period. Hands off the boys. Let's call it what it is. Stop fucking kids. They should have like a, we should make like really forceful ads. Hey, it's not cool to fuck kids.

That would be a great ad. Just three words. Stop fucking kids. That would be a great ad. Just three words. Stop fucking kids. That's the whole ad. I don't care if it's controversial or not. You got to stop. Yeah, just stop. I know you get a rise out of it.

You need a hobby. You can't continue to fuck kids. No more it was only one or two a year, you know? No more. Imagine if you could find a kid that could keep his mouth shut. What a gem. Jesus. Found one. Yeah, no more of that.

If you're a pedophile, it's gotta be, the life of a pedophile is gonna be the most heinous prison to find your mind trapped in. You know, do you think that's an orientation, being a pedophile? I literally have zero idea i when i what i imagine is that like some people have schizophrenia and some people you know they develop all sorts of weird mental disorders and multiple personality disorders

the human brain doesn't always work right i heard schizophrenia is kind of just a catch-all for a bunch of shit you know it's not... I didn't realize how much psychology... You know Scientology, like, bashes the shit out of, like, psychiatry? Right. They're not... Psychiatry's got a lot of bullshit. I didn't realize compared to medicine, where it's not like they can't really diagnose shit for real. It's a lot of guesswork.

Did you know that? Well, I know it in talking to people that have taken antidepressants. That's the glad dick. That's the glass dick. That's the robot dick. Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry if I hit my glass dick in here. But Neil Brennan was on the other day, and he was talking about, this is one thing that a lot of people may not know, and I didn't know until I started talking to people that take them.

Folks who take SSRIs, they don't know why these things help people. They really don't know. Yeah, I know. They don't know which one's going to work on you, and they give you a bunch things help people. They really don't know. Yeah, I know. They don't know which one's going to work on you, and they give you a bunch of different ones. You try this one out, this doesn't work. Give me another one. They give you another one. Ooh, I think we got it.

And you've got to figure out what the dosage is. It's a weird science. Does this sound right to you? I read this. I don't remember where I read this, so it could be just horseshit. But you know people are supposed to get suicidal on those? Yes, on some of them. Yeah, because some of them, this could be wrong, but it sounded interesting to me, it

kills anxiety, some of them, you know? You have a certain amount of anxiety in you, naturally about ending your life. That's just naturally there to keep you from doing that. Right. And with some of these drugs, they even you out so much where you don't feel that fear. So if you really thought out your suicide pretty well, now you no longer have the fear of committing it because you're calm. So you're like, oh, yeah, it's no big deal. I can just kill myself.

Well, that was the argument for school shooters and things along those lines. I used to believe that, too. But then I found out when people said, like, they're not all, some were on Xanax. It's not all the same drug And that's like the very catch-all that's no easy answer Yeah, what I was gonna say is that they they don't they don't feel anything like they feel it doesn't bother them like My friend was on Zoloft and the way she described it was she's like nothing bothered me like nothing like my sugar Curb your burst on into flames whatever

me like nothing like my car could burst into flames whatever so that's creepy so if you had a desire to kill someone for some reason oh it wouldn't fuck with you the same way it would if you weren't on something so the idea is so you get someone who's probably wired wrong anyway right for whatever reason trauma abuse genetics whatever the fucking reason is that someone can become like that colorado school shooting guy but you can become like that Colorado school shooting guy. But you put someone like that on certain medications and the way it interacts with your fucked up brain is it allows you to do heinous shit and not feel anything about it. I don't know, man. I don't know either.

I mean, I guess it depends how much of that is just in you. Because I thought they calmed you down too. For some people, but they have a different effect on different. It's like those medicines that they give people for ADHD. Right. If you took it, you'd be like. I know. That's what happens when I do take it.

Yeah. But if you give them to kids who have ADHD, apparently it calms them down in some strange way. They like crash or something. I don't fucking get it. You know, it's just fucking meth, man. Well, it's a little different but slightly I love that we give kids Hitler pills now Hitler's did you by the way, did you see that thing about his Hitler the Junkie?

What history channel it was all about his doctor feel-good. Oh, he had a doctor feel-good They didn't even know back then people were taking meth. They thought it was like a vitamin So he would get his vital shot of meth he probably had a lot of energy it makes sense if you think about it they used to give that to the uh fighter pilots apparently yeah the germans came up with it well the kamikazes take it they said they used to get dudes to fly their plane into ships and blow up turn them into human torpedoes. Apparently, they were using crystal methadrine. That's amazing they could be that sure that their guy's a god emperor to do that.

That bomb really fucking turned that idea around. Holy shit. They're like, ooh. Yeah. That's not God. Yeah, there is no God. Yeah, that's a fucking... When that hits, boom. When you see the entire city evaporate.

How about the one guy who escaped from Hiroshima and then went to Nagasaki and they dropped it on Nagasaki, too? Oh, yeah, that's the fucking craziest... He made it out of both of them. I mean, can you imagine after that? You're like, you're never going to believe what happened. Can you imagine what it must have been like to see both of those cities get nailed what's the argument that maybe they didn't need to didn't need to drop two like they could have maybe just dropped the one they definitely gonna drop one the actual argument i think we're talking about it yesterday is that they might not

need to drop anything like the japanese might have already been trying to surrender. And we're like, hey, not yet. Oh, is that right? Got a thing we got to do first. I don't know if that's true. You know, like also I've heard that we knew that the Japanese were going to attack Pearl Harbor. And we kind of let it happen. We pulled the old. I've heard that too.

It's just always the same incompetence, dude. It's like. Could be. I fucking. Or the Illuminati. I get in those fucking arguments all the time. Goddamn Illuminati. They're looking out right now.

I would do anything. You're a puppet of them. Dude, if they want me to draw triangles on shit, I'm fucking so into it. Fame bites from the Illuminati. I'd be happy to serve. So they tried to get you fired from the show, and it didn't work. Well, because I'm nobody. She picked the famous dude. She could have made

something happen, but she picked somebody nobody fucking has heard of. Do you think that's what they're doing? They're just trying to get traction. Just to barnacle onto somebody else's shit. There's a lot of that, right? Yeah, that's been going on forever. Because it's a good cause. You get away with shitty behavior and shitty interaction skills.

If someone's like, I'm geared towards like, a lot of people are like, all right, well, what's going to be the liberal or conservative position? And I identify as that, so I'm just going to go with that. I don't really have even time to think about it, you know, which I probably don't. And you just go with the liberal. Like, that's just what it is. It's just knee-jerk, whatever. Well, I think it's really interesting comparing it to religion comparing the mindset to cult mindsets or religious mindsets these are things that have to be true right they just have specific things

that are suddenly a gospel that must be true and you must ignore all the fucking evidence that's what i used to do to not believe in evolution right i would ignore the shit that's not because there's no way what I believe can't be true I'm familiar with that like this this Rolling Stone article that came out where they were deceived by this woman who claimed to have been gang raped by a Alright, well she set out to find how horrific by the way That's a real problem, but you know that didn't get served too well by by someone making Like the most outlandish story that I've ever heard

Yeah, and uh But that's the thing she set out to find because she knew it to be true But but you know what I don't get how I was watching vice. Did you see the vice thing about it about Columbia? They're talking about campus rape like how come they the school gets to deal with it at all the only answer i heard was because convictions are hard to get in the court of law and that might be the only way to like i guess convict a rapist but so what he gets expelled like that's if someone raped you that's a good enough punishment they just get expelled from school so is that really what happens like they don't bring it to a criminal court i If somebody knows, tell me, because I have no idea to this day why all these institutions,

church or whatever, why is there anything where they handle it in-house? I thought we all knew by now. Molestations are handled outside. Right? Like, that just makes more sense. That's interesting, because I always knew that they were accusing people, and they were expelling people,

and they were judging people whether whether or not it was based on all the evidence or whether or not they were correct and they're assuming that this person was guilty like this guy in the university of virginia he kind of got really fucked over this now he's suing right and yeah but that's okay let's say he was guilty that's justice he got expelled for rape that's your fucking saying like how are you satisfied with that? Yeah, how could they be? Well now he won't have a really good. He'll have to go to another different school like well What have you done to stop rape with that expelling people? Well, this is what I'm talking about I'm getting my stories confused

I'm talking about the kid who the kid is suing is the kid who the girl is walking about mattress girl Yeah, he's suing he's suing for misandry Yeah, that was I got confused the other the other story doesn't really have a real man that was accused of anything, right? No, no, they're really so what you're talking about. Okay, I have no fucking footnotes. Sorry for any of this but uh What I read was this girl was part of the Santa I rape group and she hades sorry for any of this but what I read was this girl was part of this anti-rape group and she had a crush on one of the guys in the anti-rape group

because the friends of her were saying I don't know that, you know, we know something happened because she was hysterical but she had been making up this fake guy who was texting yeah, this girl's really super cool so first this guy started out as a guy to make the other boy think someone wanted her, right? And then it

ended up where the guy that you heard George Glass from the Brady Bunch basically, she made up a George Glass, right? Like, what's her name? The middle one on Brady Bunch. Monica? No. Jan? Yeah, she did a Jan Brady. Monica's the older one, right? Yeah.

Her fake boyfriend. So then she comes and says, George Glass raped me and all that shit. And it was to get attention from this guy. She's like a weird chick, and she just got into it. And so because they're inclined to automatically believe, they just are like, I don't know. But it was bothering them. And the chick that wrote it. It was bothering them. Yes.

And this is an anti-rape group. They were like, I don't know if Jackie's telling the truth. Oh, God. Do you know what I mean? But listen, you've got to look it up. So I promise you I didn't dream it. Oh, God. Yeah, but there's just more to it.

I just don't want any cut and dry. Everything, like if somebody says they got raped, the answer is, well, take it very seriously. It's not believe or don't believe. It's like, well, let's really investigate this because that's an important thing to get to the bottom of. And there's got to be like really strong punishment for someone who uses false rape accusations. I mean, there has to be. Are there in place? What kind of punishment do they do?

Then the issue is, let's say, you know, you had to say, let's say you had to say you didn't get, you know, you know, the numbers for women who lie about rape that are used usually by feminist websites where they're like only like 2% or something of women. That's a really bad number because that that's counting women who have gone to the police and recanted their accusation. So you don't know if those women were being pressured to do that or it's not an accurate measure of like a liar is not going to go do that and say i was lying about it right so now don't you're fucking real victims and and also like uh lie more liars are getting away right here let's just look at

what that what that is that's two out of a hundred if you look if you get right two percent is two out of a hundred that's not good odds well Well, the real... Nobody knows is the real answer. I'm just saying if you had a law to make it a really stiff penalty for women to lie about rape, I always watch it with that because I don't want someone... Let's say a woman got pressured into saying she lied. Uh-huh. Get swept up under a law like that. Do you know what I mean?

Right. That's when it gets a death penalty because I don't want one guy who didn't do it to get fucked up. What I'm trying to say is under their numbers, if you have 20 guys, and each one of those guys has had sex with five women, two of them have been falsely accused of rape. That's crazy. I'm not good at math, but I believe you. That is crazy.

I'm not terrible at math, too. Someone's probably out there screaming, That's not how the numbers work, you fuck! But it is how the numbers work, because we're talking about 100 people. It's not how the numbers work, you fuck. But it is how the numbers work, because we're talking about 100 people. Okay? If there's 100 dudes, or 100 sexual cases, right?

They're talking about 2%. 2% of these rape cases are falsely accused. 2%. Well, listen, man. I don't know. You would have to actually have 100 rapes. So I'm really not doing it right. Because, like, you'd have to have a hundred rapes it's not like a hundred people like had a very had a 2% of sexual

account how good is this weed I'm smoking it's very suspicious to calculate this is what's wrong with my idea but even then okay let's say if there is a hundred cases that are brought in front of the cops right and out of a hundred of them two of them are totally bullshit. That's a lot. Because they probably get how many a year? So how many a year are you dealing with where people are being falsely accused and locked in a cage? Is it as big of a deal

as rape? Of course not. Of course not. Is it way worse? What, getting falsely accused? It's probably way more actual rapes than false accused rapes. Probably way more, right? Well, look. So rape is a way bigger issue than falsely accused rape.

But it doesn't mean that falsely accusing someone of rape is okay. It's not like that. Yeah, who says that? That's a real fucking problem. Well, they try to underplay it. They try to make it out like it's not a big deal. The people that are really trying to stop rape should be most concerned with making sure that false rape accusations are punished. Because that makes sure that you really highlight exactly what the actual problem is.

The real problem. Wait, would you say be most concerned with that? I think be most concerned with the law enforcement of it. But let me ask you this, because one in four, that statistic seems very high, right? One in four? Yeah, college-age women are raped, supposedly. Is that what they're saying? But isn't that...

Well, listen, let me ask you, because in my personal life, I know a lot of people of both sexes who got sexually assaulted somehow. Like, a lot, dude. Right. And, you know, part of that could be because I just hung out around drug people a lot.

You know, that's how you meet people that got fucking sexually assaulted. Right. Or it could be that the people that aren't in the bad circle like that are just lying about it and pretending that didn't happen to them. So I don't know. Maybe it is that high. It's just there's no way to really tell. Well, it all depends on what you consider sexual assault.

And they sometimes try to make it as broad as possible. There's two really nutty things Robot dick? There's two really nutty things that they've tried to do recently. One of them was in New Jersey, they were trying to pass some law that made it where if there's any deception involved that led to someone having sex with you, then it's rape. I can't say I'm

a big time producer anymore to get laid? Oh my god. I can't tell women I'm a foot doctor anymore? You'd be a rapist. You'd be a rapist. You'd become a rapist if that's the reason why the person had sex with you, under false pretenses. Well, if the lie was, I don't have AIDS, then I get it. But other than that... Yeah.

That's, yeah. But you know what it is, man? It's like everybody makes sex such a fucking big deal. That's a real part of the problem. Is that sex, what everybody wants, the idea of pleasure between people, and part of it is because we don't wear any clothes, because we wear clothes, rather.

We cover everything up, and then the idea of getting at it, oh, it's underneath there, oh, I'm gonna get some, and we make it out to be such a big deal, and it becomes this overwhelming thing that sort of infects people's consciousness. We're fascinated by all aspects of it, whether it's rape or whether it's abstinence or whether it's monogamy or whether it's being a whore.

It's like, we're just obsessed, obsessed with sex. Yeah, well, listen, this is how my girlfriend put it, that rape's just like a very primal form of dominance. And that's what a... What a gal. Yeah, she's smart, but that's what it is. Like, my dog, my poor fucking dog got like, that's an animal fucking thing that's in mammals, man. Yeah. It really is. It certainly is.

But the only way I think you're ever going to stop it, the only way that really truly makes sense, is you've got to figure out how to engineer better human beings. Yeah, obviously. It's the only way. It's the only way. But how the fuck do you do that? How can you stop someone from having a kid? It's kind of getting like... Hopefully. I don't think there's a...

If people survive, that it won't kind of get more civilized. I think so, too. As long as everything keeps going. Assuming it's not a fucking, you know, Mad Max thing. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

With the preppers win. Dude, I was in South Dakota. They're going to repopulate the earth. This guy, I was doing this place in South Dakota, the something beach club. It was actually a good show,

but the dude that booked me or like the manager of the club, he drove us to Mount Rushmore, and we were talking He was telling me that he's building a bunker And I was like dude like don't you already like live in a bunker called this, South Dakota right and he and It's for Jesus reasons not red dawn reasons Jesus reasons, so he thinks the second coming I mean we talked he's a real nice guy too. We talked about real I just but I used to believe all that shit not to say second is the second coming but the end times and Armageddon and I don't know. There's no where does it say you're gonna be able to have a bunker and fucking like a

Bunker your way out of it It's well you're gonna use the information that God has provided you to make sure that your family would be the only ones that survive Much like Noah did see the internet is like the voice of God. Really? It tells you about the impending return of Jesus. It kills everybody. I'm surprised God wanted me to masturbate that much. But you know what's fucked?

If the second coming is coming, that means Jesus is going to take you. He's going to take you up to heaven. He thinks he won't be taken, maybe. And he thinks he's that bad that he'll probably have to hang out Mmm, and go to heaven later. He's gonna have to just fuck these people that he's got imprisoned in his bunker Yeah, Duncan Trussell met one of those dudes who went and visited this this bomb shelter bunker thing under the under a mountain somewhere He drove deep into it. We did this sci-fi show where he drove deep they have RVs down in there They are supplies the rate not like the band.

Well, if you believe the fucking Bible, by the way, it says not even the mountains will hide any people. So don't bother with your bunker. Just read your fucking... But that guy was a prepper. He wasn't a Jesus banger. Oh, well, that's smarter. You grew up...

Jehovah's Witnesses, are those the ones that are not allowed to use doctors? No, that's Christian scientists. up Jehovah's Witnesses are the other ones are not allowed to use doctors no that's a Christian scientist I'm not even sure what extent they're like that either but that's not Joe's witnesses no so what is the Jehovah's Witnesses the one that knock on everybody doors yeah right and what what was that the main doorknob it was just fucking uh you grew up in it's a religion where yeah yeah you have to like do it so it's not like being like I would always envy Catholics because you don't have to fucking do it Right, right. They had like it's cool. Like like I had to like be in it, you know all the time

Yeah, yeah, that's your primary goal is to be ready for the end Most people that call themselves Catholic fucking never go to church probably a big kick out Michael Corleone right ever Like you're a murderer. You have to leave. Jesus forgives you. You just got to go to confession and talk about all those people that you killed. It's a good system. I give a handjob once in a while for that fucking.

Did your parents grow up in it? No. My mom converted from Catholic when she was a teenager. And my dad, my grandfather converted his family, my dad's family to him. My dad was like 12. Wow. Your grandfather. So the grandfather took the father and the whole family, including your dad when he was already 12 years old, and said, come on, you're coming with me.

I'm joining a cult. Yeah. Well, my dad grew up really, my grandfather built planes for World War II. Wow. He was a fucking smart dude. So he was an engineer, but he never went to college, and he was very anti-war, I guess, or something at the end of the war. And he was like, Jehovah's Witnesses don't get involved in politics or a war. By the way, you cannot be a Christian and fight a war.

I don't know why people think you can, but you can't. It's pretty clear about it. People really believe God gives a fuck about their country. And it's so, like, in plain English, well, I mean, it's in Aramaic. But it's like, it's a very clear teaching that he doesn't approve of any of the countries. He's going to ruin all of them. You just have to obey them until the end comes.

That's the extent of your obligation. But you can't fight, like, drop a bomb on another Christian for America. How could that fucking go over? Yeah, and if America was dropping bombs Like Hiroshima and Nagasaki They had to have a couple of Christians down there Of course they did You think God forgives you for that

Like more than uh Cause you saved whatever Like you didn't give a shit about your country So how did you bail on it I uh I started reading uh Well first of all I was like an asshole I was just like didn't want to do it You know I had that in me What first of all, I was like an asshole. I was just like, didn't want to do it. You know, I had that in me.

What kind of school did you go to? I went to regular school. I wasn't like homeschooled. Some people do that in it. But, you know. So you didn't go to any religious school? I went to my prom and shit, you know. Okay.

So it wasn't that super restrictive for me. So it depends who your parents were. Was it you going to school and talking to other kids that sort you led you off the path of God No more it was I went to college Because I went to our sis. Yeah I already been reading like kind of skeptic shit. Mm-hmm on my lunch breaks at the Wiz I Buy these magazines at Barnes and Noble's that were called skeptic

So that was like a little foundation of it and then pussy later When I got to college Wow get pussied right out of that so both things are good The reading was good, and then the pussy was good What is it like being like 1920 going what the fuck did I think oh? I felt really guilty dude. Do you mind that's one of the reasons why you probably good friends with Ari? Yeah, I got along with him immediately You guys have the exact same story Yeah, well I was like a minister

I mean I was technically a minister And he was supposed to be like a rabbi, right? Dude, Ari lived in one of those Crazy religious houses in Israel For a long time How many years? I don't remember He talks, I don't always listen

I just don't remember He definitely mumbles I don't always listen. I just don't remember. He definitely mumbles a lot. It's hard to catch everything. You've got to go, wait, what? You lived in a what? Say that again, clute. What is that word? But, you know, he was studying the Torah like 10 hours a day, like all day.

They would study the Torah. And he was full gung-ho. And then, you know, by the time, when I met him him It was only like a few years after this which is really crazy Then I look back and think about it like he was not when he was coming first coming around to the comedy store He was not that far removed from living in this crazy religious commune in and by the way You know I'll tell you nine-tenths of the problems especially with this rape shit a lot of this horrible stuff about how to Victims get treated is straight out of the good book I mean, that's like a huge

Story a dinah did you have to study Bible shit when you're younger? I always studied in first grade first grade was the only year that I went to Catholic school and then second grade I want Second grade I went to San Francisco So it was first grade and then second grade was like super hippies Okay, people living next door. Like I went from one extreme to a total different. Yeah, Sodom and Gomorrah, right? So I don't remember any of the biblical stories unless I looked them up as an adult. I had my book of Bible stories, which I look back at.

The lessons are hilarious that were in there. So like Abraham's daughter, Dinah, or maybe Dina. I don't know how to pronounce these names. Right. But, uh, she was, uh, she made friends with like worldly girls, you know, from the city that weren't her same religion. Right. And she'd go hang out in the city.

And then this guy Shechem saw her and forced her to lie down with him. Like, you know, she got raped, but he might've held her hand. It's like ancient fucking, you know, bronze age. Yeah. So he might have held her hand so then he falls in love with her microaggression he falls yeah he falls in love with her after he raves and goes to abraham and says let me marry her you know which will preserve her honor here i'm like okay fine uh but your whole household has to get circumcised first and then you can

marry us fine we'll all get our dicks snipped. So while they are recovering from getting their dicks snipped, Dina's brothers are enraged by this. Was their sister a whore? And they go and kill everyone in Shechem's household, like his whole family, while they're laid up from their dicks getting cut. And then Abraham's

like, what did you just do to us? Now people are going to hate us. It's like one of those things about how Jews are going to be in trouble now because of something you did. And he goes, now people will be hated wherever we go because of this thing you have done. And, yeah, so the lesson that you get from it in my book of Bible stories, like, all of this happened because Dina chose poor associates. They put it all on her for going out. That's the lesson of the story. This dumb bitch should have stayed home. So that that's the lesson of the story this dumb bitch should stay

home so that's getting torn out of the fucking bible and so listen that's why what a patriot i always hear like patriarchy i'm against that shit too like that that ancient bibley patriarchy shit i'm not for that i'm i'm kind of like would be 90 with a lot of this shit if they didn't have such a thought crimes unit exactly that's the thing about this whole social social justice warrior movement is that in looking for people that have that have been guilty of these transgressions they they've missed a lot of allies they miss people they're on their side like you like being like a lot of people and they're trying to make assholes out of people and they're doing it The vast majority of the people that are involved in this really aggressive social justice warrior shit, they're fucking depressed, man.

They're really depressed people. You go through their timeline. It's almost without fail. When I read some really ridiculous, over-the-top, hyper-aggressive social justice warrior shit, I'll go to their fucking Twitter profile and I'll find some depressed shit. I'll find some tweets about depression. I'll find some tweets about, you know, how everything sucks today. You know, like, I see what's going on.

Yeah. You're lashing out at the world through a legitimate cause. Well, don't take your personal thing, right? Exactly. And say, like, I'm every woman. No, you're not. But see, if you can find enough of those people, and you get together, then you feel like you're all right. Because you're around a bunch of other fuckheads.

You don't need that many. You don't need that many. That Catholic guy, what's his name? Michael Donahue? Mm-hmm. It's just him and, like, his cousin or something. Right. The Catholic League.

Or the League. Like, it doesn't take that much. But it used to be, remember, it was church crazies that would write these letters. Yeah. Like, please take something off the air. now it's fucking uh yeah it's like young college kids that's insane well it's yeah they literally is taking the exact same position that that fucking michael whatever the fuck his name guy is i've heard that guy talk on opiate anthony before the catholic league oh yeah i've heard that guy talk on opiate anthony defend

catholicism it's like what are youism. It's like, what are you talking about? You're mad at someone making fun of Catholicism? It's one of the most easily made fun of religions of all time. But, dude, I asked him this on that show. I'm like, because I was a Christian, I'm like, you know, you're supposed to rejoice

when you are persecuted, right? That's what Christ said. They're going to persecute you like they did me, so rejoice. So you're supposed to be happy about it because it means you're doing the right thing. And you're not supposed to go, how dare you? You're a Christian. Christians turn the other cheek.

You don't fucking... So what did he say to that? He just kind of ignored it. I don't think it's about that for him. It's about publicity. Yeah, it's publicity and being part of a club. It's just all football team shit everybody does. And endorsements. I mean, because they really get paid

a lot of money by other Catholics who want to support Catholicism. I have a friend who's a Catholic and he's got a lot of money and he's fucking crazy as shit. And he has a priest come over his house. When he buys a new house, a priest comes over and does like a fucking whole seance and shit or something. I mean, they have some sort of a thing they do.

I don't know what the fuck they call it. It's voodoo. It's all voodoo. No, I'm real Catholic. He gives 10% of his money to the church. The whole thing's a disaster. Yeah, and they have him involved in all sorts of church projects, and they're just sucking money out of this dude.

It's a goddamn cult. It's 100% cult. Well, here's how I judge all religions, is how much does it cost, okay? Yeah. And then does God do his own killing? Or do I have to do his killing? Yeah

And and then my personal thing is if I have to stay in it more for my mom or my dad Like my religion my mom was the reason I had to stay for a while more than my dad But if I was from like a harsher place, it would be like your father's honor. You can't leave That's like a more primitive that's how you know it's kind of primitive but if it doesn't cost that much then fine and if i'm not there's no violence once you take the violence part out of it like nationalism or uh whatever it's a lot less threatening you know it's a it's more voluntary now the the kind of shitty thing is that they will stop talking to you if you leave right?

So you have to face you know being shunned or something I was just fellowshiped right so that means like a lot of my form People friends can't talk to me or they would be in trouble for talking to win a pos date So that's fellowship disfellowship disfellowship. Yeah, it's like Disconnection in Scientology Wow Except it's not as harsh as you know, like I still speak to my mom. It's not like... Is she mad at you? No, not now. She was mad initially. Does she ever listen

to reason that it might be horse shit? Yeah, but I don't want to fucking talk her out of her shit. Really? First of all, that judge has taken up a lot of slack of hanging out with my mom and listening to her shit. Okay? God bless them. I don't want to lose that.

I gotta pick up. How was the soup I said? I don't want to have those calls. I'm gonna send you some $2 bills. Like weirdo mom shit. She called me up to tell me she had a hotel and was gonna send me and my girlfriend, they had these jelly beans in a bowl so what's your address I'm gonna send you

some jelly beans from this fucking bowl in the hotel lobby that's hilarious yeah that's hilarious so you bailed you can't talk to them anymore and yeah what was the process did you have to fill out paperwork or do you say I just go going but I think my mom wanted me to write a letter. I'm like, I don't owe an explanation. Like a letter to the church of resignation. Wow. I'm like,

I don't owe that. I put in my time of being bored at that fucking church. I don't owe them a letter. Don't notice I'm gone. How old were you when you wrapped it up?

19. Wow. Oh, no, wait. Maybe I was 20. That's a good time though. That 19, 20 time you're just becoming a man. Basically becoming a man. Like, you're on the door.

You're at the door. 21, you're like officially a man. I was kind of declawed, you know, before I had to go live in the world. Yeah. That's, you know, they teach you to not be worldly. That's what you're learning to be. And how so? Like, you be as babes unto the world.

Like Paul said, you have to be, you know, like when you see people that just came out of a cult, there's a certain kind of innocence to them. So when I came out, it was always like these kind of real slutty girls that would fuck me like real experienced girls. And that was my appeal to them was kind of my fucking foster kid. You know, that makes sense. Like I was with a lot of like kind of either like a stripper or like some kind of sex worker where we were, like, foster kids together kind of vibe. Do you know what I mean? Like, you took care of each other. Yeah, like, they would treat me like not a John.

They treat me like the weird James Woods from Casino that, for some reason, they can never get away from this loser. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I didn't make any money for the whole fucking... I just had girlfriends that I had to just live off of. It was not good. So this is when you first got out of the church? When I first, yeah, got to New York. And when did you start doing stand-up?

In college. So you went from the church to living in New York with strippers? No, first I was in Philly. Okay. No, well, my girlfriend at the time in college. Okay. But she was a stripper I met her and then she's became like a comic and then uh but I was with her for like maybe like

six years but we were engaged but I didn't have a job like and I like refused to get a job the whole time I was just a piece of shit dude yeah wow so I'm like I'm a comic well you just said you were a comic that's it yeah how many years had you been doing it then? Not enough to do any of that. A year, two years? No, like me, like three or four years. Three or four, but you just weren't making any money yet. And then I ended up with this girl who was older than me and made kind of good money.

And she liked it better when I didn't have money. When I started to get more shit, that put a strain because she got really upset. Because then you became threatening. Yeah, she didn't want me to be out of that like kind of control zone yeah I dated a girl once and uh we broke up and she she dated this guy and she was very specific about why she was with him and I go why she goes he's never gonna fucking break up with me and I was like really she goes yeah I mean he's great and all I him, but I'm better looking than he is. Like, she was like really adamant about it.

I was like, wow. So fucking weird, man. I was like, that's, you engineered the control position in your relationship. You're tired of not being in control in relationships, tired of men leaving you or what have you. Yeah. And you're like, this is it. But she would get drunk and want to fuck all her ex-boyfriends. She was just a maniac, which is always how that goes.

That's why people like, one thing about my girlfriend now, like I really, it kind of upped my fucking who I am a little bit because now I would never be in another bullshit like psycho relationship. Like I'm just not going to settle for that. Right. I'll be fucking alone. I don't give a shit. Right.

Like, so that kind of taught me to, because I met somebody that like, I really got along with that. I thought was like, you know, like, I don't know, just got me. So I was like, oh, I don't have to be in these things anymore because I have so low self-esteem that I'm like, well, this person wants to fuck me and stay with me. Yeah. I should stay with them. It becomes one of those things where sometimes you don't even know who you are if you're

in a bad relationship. Yeah. Because the way you're reacting to this person is part of who you are. No, it makes you a different fucking person. Yeah. Yeah. If you're in a good relationship and you realize, like, oh, wow, these are possible. But until you get in one, like, some people go through their entire life, birth to death, without hitting gold.

They chip away at that fucking. Are you digging into another Chibichu? Part of it. You're a bold man. Well, I only had a quarter before. You're a very, very bold man. That's pretty good. Now, do you feel sad when you go back home?

Home to where? My mom's house? No, back home to New York, where you don't have to, you can't get your weed that easy. Oh, my God, dude. Ari Shafir tells me it's a nightmare. I think God already sometimes has something.

I wish I could get shit like this there. Yeah, I have to hide like an animal to smoke weed. Yeah, you do have to hide like an animal, right? In Seattle, I was smoking in front of a cop with this ridiculous glass, like a wizard pipe. Good day, officer. It was so relaxing. It was a pipe you would never bring outside.

I wonder when that's going to be the entire country. Because like in New Orleans, apparently, you could just drink on the street. We had a driver in New Orleans. He was telling me once he was outside of New Orleans. He was doing something. And he was talking to the cop. And the cop was asking him a question. And he had a beer in his hand.

And he was just talking to the cop. And he didn't realize the cop was talking to him because he had a beer in his hand. So he finishes the beer and then he cracks open a second one the cop goes are you fucking retarded like what do you know the cop goes where are you from and he goes New Orleans and he's like oh okay dude you can't do that shit in other places this is the only place we could do what else happened to this definitely white man? Nothing. Not even a slap on the wrist.

They told him to put his beer bag in the bag. The officer asked him to cool it a little bit. But you get used to that. And, you know, if you did what you did in Seattle, in some parts of the country, they would fuck you over, man. They would put you in a cage. If you were in parts of Georgia, they'll fuck you over. I know. They're not cool about it in georgia is there any places that have open container laws because i remember growing up there was like people who were like oh you're allowed to drink

if you're not driving like you you could have it like in the back seat and then i i went to another place and did that and got in trouble for having an open container and they're like no you can't do that yeah there's well they used used to used to be okay everywhere The people used to like literally have a beer in their lap when they drove around and so many people were crashed into each Other they go. Okay, you can't have a fucking Took to fix that to like to put it together. That was normal shit, man. I can't drink while I'm driving Yeah, that was literally that was normal shit a long time ago like 70s, right that changed in like the 70s I don't know when they started incorporating drunk driving laws

And I don't know a bunch of people got killed and they didn't really have a strong I'm not saying I don't know why I said I don't know when oh when and I wonder what they did at first I guess it was just testing your movement, and then they figured out breathalyzers, and then they you know moved on from there Yeah But yeah, I don't want I can't stand fucking drunks. It's so annoying to deal with, like, because I don't really drink that much, dude. I'm more of just like a pothead.

Yeah, drunk is the worst. As far as, like, people, I mean, potheads can absolutely be annoying, but they're not as violent and intrusive and retarded. Well, intrusive, that's the big one, the standing real close to you. Oh, God. When you're out somewhere and a drunk person just interrupts a conversation, just gets in your face and starts talking at you, and you're like, oh, God. Yeah.

And if you try to avoid them, you're the asshole. Yeah, I tell you, that's my least favorite thing. It's the worst drug. It's the worst drug. It's one of the worst drugs, but it's fun if you can manage it, if you can handle it correctly. I mean, get an 8-ball at least and even out like a gentleman. Like a gentleman.

Get an eight ball and even out like a gentleman. If you're going to get that drunk, at least, you know, can even out like a gentleman. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps with a... I had a buddy who used to do a lot of coke, and he used to always drink 40s after he did coke. Yeah. He would smoke it, and then he would he would like his heart be like oh nice to have to take him to the liquor store and he'd buy like old english you remember

those bags of you get a fucking 40 ounce of old english you ever try that stuff yeah yeah it's unbelievably strong yeah like i don't know what it's they call it malt liquor because it's not really beer right is that the idea i don't know is that what it is i think it is beer but i think it's just made different it's made uh stronger stronger okay how what do you think the alcohol by volume is unlike malt liquor what is what is a bud like a budweiser like uh seven i have no idea well it's different in america than it is in canada in canada it's like nine percent i think in the u.S., it's like 7%. But what percentage is malt liquor? Did you hear what happens when you ask Siri what zero divided by zero is?

No. No, what happens? Siri, what's zero divided by zero? Imagine that you have zero cookies and you split them evenly among zero friends. How many cookies does each person get? See, it doesn't make sense. And Cookie Monster is sad that there are no cookies. And you are sad that you have no friends.

That's real? Siri's a cunt. That's really a cunt? Siri is such a mean bitch. The term includes any alcoholic beverage with 5% or more alcohol by volume made with malted barley. So it's just another way of saying beer, I guess. Yeah, I used to drink Mad Dog 2020, I think it's called, and then that was my drink. I had Mad Dog 2020, that and Old English.

We were drinking those. I watched, you ever see that movie Superfly? Oh, yeah, back in the day. Me and my friend John, when we were just starting out as comics, we got hammered on Old English and Mad Dog 2020 and those 40-ounce liquors and watched Superfly. I remember being shocked at how strong it was. I don't know how much Old English has.

Let's find out. How much would you think Old English has? Let's find out. How much does it... How much would you think Old English has? Let's go with 8%. Yeah, I bet it's around that. What proof is that? What is it? That's it.

Steel Reserve. Mickey's. I used to drink that. Mickey's a lot. Still, Steel Reserve is the motherfucker. That's 8% Hmm right um what else what else is fucked up say nides that's 820 Natty daddy Have you had that Bud Light lime margarita? No, what's that? It's pretty good King Cobra is only six

Huh, it's like heartburn to me. I would have thought King Cobra would be off the charts. Yeah, right? I'm going to call you something. What is King Cobra? King Cobra is a malt liquor. It's a premium. What's the? Oh, yeah.

I would have thought it would be more, too. Yeah. I would have thought it would have fucked you up. Is that just because the advertising was done with that black guy from Star Wars? Remember? Billy Dee Williams. Billy Dee Williams. Was he King Cobra?

Was it? No, he was Cole 45. No, he was Cole 45. How much does Cole 45 have? Cole 45. Gravity Lager. 5.6. What is 10? Evil Eye is 10. Jesus Christ. And Camp Black Ice.

Camo Black Ice. Oh, Camo. I thought it said Camp. What the fuck, dude? 12? Wow. Stack high-gravity lager is 12. Oh, my God. We should get some of that and have a drunk cast.

We need to get some of that. Stack high-gravity lager. Jamie, you need to go to Compton and find out what they're selling that, because they don't sell that in white neighborhoods. You need to go do some research for the show. It's very important. Robot dick. I know.

I can't help it. Do you smoke cigarettes also? No. You gave up? Yeah, I just did. You used to? What nicotine level is that? Six.

Six? Yeah. That's better. That is six. I don't wake up. You have a unique perspective coming from a really crazy religious background like that as a comic. Because you kind of see where the pitfalls of thinking lie because you were indoctrinated in them from a young age.

I have a strong reaction to them. Yeah. Like there's something like really bugs me if I encounter it again. Well, that's one of the things that you and I share this opinion of a lot of what's going on, what people would like to call social justice warriors, that it is really kind of a religious thing. It's a very similar thing. It's not an even, objective

approach that a lot of people are taking this thing. It's this gang mentality, pile on ideology. There's some things I have to take on faith with it that I'm not just going to take on faith. That's really just the bottom line. to take on faith with it that I'm not just going to take on faith, okay? And that's really just the bottom line. But, you know, whatever. Yeah, taking things on faith across the board is bad.

I don't mind, like, if it's a little more challenge to get my jokes over. Like, that just makes me better. So I don't have a problem with that at all. I like trying to get around that. I think that makes it funnier. But don't then make it like I can't work if I fuck up in the cause of trying to do that, right? Right. Well, I think that a gangster movie is a legitimate art form.

The Sopranos is a legitimate art form. Right. Well, guess what? Someone doing, obviously, tongue-in-cheek misogynist material is a legitimate art form as well. You can't say that Dice Clay is not a legitimate artist. Well, wasn't it the thing of people couldn't they just didn't know was a character like was it? Oh, you think a lot of that shit of against him was people didn't realize he was doing a character course They realized it they were just looking to be upset because I was a kid

I was a kid when he's out and I remember not knowing that that was a character Well, you were a kid though, right if you're old enough to pay taxes, you should know dice clay is fucking around I you were a kid though right if you're old enough to pay taxes you should know dice clay's fucking around i think people are dumb i think he's a he's a great artist because that thing with uh norah dunn where she was like you know i think she's about to be off the show so she did that stunt of not coming on and the rest of the cast was mad at her like so what are we the woman haters because we did the show with oh that. Oh, that's right. Because Dice was on silent mode. That's one of the things that fucked him up. Whatever.

That movie's great, Ford Fairlane. I love that movie. What fucked him up was there was no internet back then. That's what fucked him up. When you get banned from MTV like he did, you had no recourse. There was nothing to do. Oh, you're right. He could have been on the fucking internet.

Well, they can blackball you. They could back then. They can't really blackball you anymore. Because you go, alright, I'm starting the Dice Clay Podcast! Oh! Over here with the mic! I like that he has an album of him bombing. Oh, it's one of the best albums.

I think that's a... and it's Rick Rubin fucking produced it. Yeah. And he called it the Day the Laughter Died. Yeah. It's like a very interesting thing that I have never... What other comic has that? It's a two-disc set. It's just The Day the Laughter Died. Yeah. It's a very interesting thing that I have never... What other comic has it? It's a two-disc set. It's just two discs.

I've never heard that. It's great. It's awful, though. He's bombing. This guy gets up in the middle of his set, and he goes, You're about as funny as a glass of milk. That's the guy. Guys, because he wasn't announced, and he showed up at Dangerfield,

which is, you know, one of the dingiest little clubs in New York City. It looks like where Count Chocula was buried. That club doesn't make any sense, because it's named after one of the all-time great stand-up comedians, and it's always filled with hacks, and it's empty most of the time. But there was a few great comics that worked there, like Otto and George. I did sets there with Otto and George during the prom season when they you know rotate the people in one after the other after the other so there was always a few comics but there was also a few

that were hanging around there that didn't work anywhere else right it was like the comedy store in the 90's when the comedy had these the comedy store had these like ancient refugees yeah I remember that I remember like the very last of them remember Nancy fuck she was a host there You're right. Yeah, I remember that. I remember the very last of them. Remember Nancy?

Fuck, she was a host there. She was nice. She had a bow tie. She was very nice. What the hell was her name? It was Nancy something. I know she was a holdover from the old of that crew. Yeah, exactly.

She told me how to get health insurance if you couldn't. Oh, wow. Did you ever meet Bobby? Was Bobby gone by the time you got there? Who's heby was the big scottish guy that was a doorman no chario was there okay all the way by the way there's no like you know the comedy clubs have like hot waitresses it was just all old men like a fucking steakhouse with tuxedos like steakhouse tuxedos on yeah weird and that's how bobby was and bobby was his giant power lifter he used to have a he'd have to have like some ridiculous scene you know they would have to like tailor his shit because he was a mountain of a man he was only about 5'8 but he's probably about 230

pounds he was fucking enormous just a big dick fucking tank of a guy and he would literally grab people by their neck and pick them up like Like lift them up and carry them out. I saw him do it. He just grabbed this guy and carried him out. He was funnier than any of the comedians. Oh, yeah. He was hilarious. And he was, right before you go on stage, he goes, I guess you're going to go try to trick him with that bag of shite act of yours.

And like you would kill. And he goes, look at that. You tricked another group of assholes. But he was funny. He was saying it. Right, You tricked another group of assholes. But he was funny. He was saying it. Right, right. He was fucking with you, but he was funny. And he knew who was good and who was bad.

Yeah. And he wasn't shy on letting you know. He was a funny dude, man. Worked that club for a long-ass time. Do you go there and do you do spots still? I had, you know, I was, like, mad and was, like, vowed I would never go back there. Why? And I think they even forgot I told them never call me because they've just called me like,

are you around for once? Like, that's how much it didn't matter, my little stand. What was the standover? I can't remember, dude. There's some shit where, fuck, I don't remember, but I was like furious about it. I can't remember. That's a club that should be revived. If it's still around, God, you got to make sure that place doesn't go under.

That's a magic room. The way that room is set up and built. Yeah, I used to like playing there. It was good to get a half hour spot somewhere, you know. It's a great room. It's a great room. It's just, it was always just managed in a very bizarre way. Yeah.

I do. But it's so iconic. I guess I mostly like the stand and like cellar that's supposed to be amazing stand's great I hear a lot of great things about that place yeah I fucking love it

and then uh the cellar and then stand up New York I'm mad a lot you know Dangerfields was where they they did an actual Dangerfield special

from that place I think it was the one with Kinsen oh yeah I know right yeah god damn what a club

that's funny that was like one of the early specials that was in a comedy club you know instead of a big giant theater and it was one of the early specials that was in a comedy club, you know, instead of a big giant theater. And it's one of the best ones, too. Yeah, that's a classic one, dude.

Fuck, yeah. That's a real classic one. Did you ever get a chance to see Rodney Dangerfield perform? Never, dude. He was dead by the time I got there. Have you seen any of the old-time greats? Have you ever seen any of them? I mean, I've watched Rodney doing his stand-up.

I mean, you mean in person, right? Did you see Carlin at all? Yeah. Never in person? Never in person. Never in person. Fuck. I fucking missed Rickles, too, last time I was in Montreal. I wanted to go see Rickles. Oh, he's still performing, huh? I over, yeah, I asked

to be on too many shows. I'm never doing that again. Montreal? Yeah, because I want to go see some other shit. Yeah. I keep thinking I want to do spots, you know, and then I just have too many, and it's not as fun. Well, if you have a lot in a nice place like Montreal, you're not going to get to, you know, and then I just have too many and it's not as fun. Well, if you have a lot in a nice place like Montreal, you're not going to get to explore the city, too. That's a whole other world, that city. I like it there, man.

The summer is great. I love it there. It's a whole other world, though. I mean, that is a French-speaking international city that's just above Maine. It doesn't make any goddamn sense. Because Maine is like desolate wasteland, fucking trees, dudes with coonskin hats, looking at you from behind a fucking bush. Where are you from? You're not from around here.

Everybody in Stephen King books, that's all based on Maine. Yeah, they've inspired more horror horror stories with their faces than any other people i've never been in a place where you make fun of the the state and people go more fucking angry oh they get mad they get furious they call them maniacs you know that they're they're maniacs strongest weed i ever had i got in maine from some hick what dude it was five bucks goddamn challenge dude and i if i could ever find him again, it was like a dense fucking bud that almost smelled like a car freshener. It wasn't like a delicious weed smell.

Really? And it was so fucking strong. And we were not prepared for how strong it was at all. I mean, I couldn't, but I'd like to smoke it again because I have a different palate now, but we were all like out of our minds from this weed. Well, couldn't you think that if you were a dude living in some in the middle of nowhere town in a place like Maine, you could be like some crazy hacker guy who makes his own computers and designs his own drones and shit like that. You could see some mad scientist dude living by himself like that out there, right?

Yeah, why? Right. Well, couldn't you see a mad botanist, too? Yeah. I could totally see that as well. I could totally see some crazy fuck that's out there. I got the impression it was some wild ass, you know, he planted it in the woods with traps around it kind of weed, you know?

That's how they do. They go out in the woods and make their little stet grows and booby trap them. Yeah, that makes sense. But it also makes sense that, like, someone in this day and age, how long ago was it you got this weed? Shit, that makes sense. But it also makes sense that like someone in this day and age, how long ago was it you got this weed? Shit, a while ago. Over 10 years ago at least.

Well, since 1994 they've had medical marijuana in California I think. Yeah. Was it 94? Somewhere. Did it pass? So from then on

shit's been pretty commensurate. I mean, I don't think it's gotten much stronger. I had some weed in the late 90s that was just, I've had weed

that's just as strong as the shit you're getting today. So if some guy got it to him, you know, 2005, somebody got it to him, all the way up in Maine, he just starts growing it, that's totally feasible. You know. You know. Well, it's just not Maine. Maybe he just sprayed it with, like, bug spray or something. I don't think so.

Just pissed on it. He eats a lot of vitamins. He's got vitamin piss. I need my Vita shot today. But that's, well, my point was, like, that's a very loosely populated state. You know, and there's a couple cool cities, like Bangor's a cool city, and Portland's a cool city. But you go north of that, and there's virtually nothing. There's just really, really small towns of people barely eking by.

And north of that is this incredible fucking city. It's nuts I'm saying keep going you get past the wildlings and you get to the You gotta climb the fence so weird that you guys are talking about Portland I'm actually planning all these places right now. You probably talking about Portland, Oregon. I'm talking about Portland Maine. No Portland Maine You're gonna go to Portland Maine Somerville'm talking about Portland, Maine. No, Portland, Maine. You're going to go to Portland, Maine? Yeah, Portland, Maine, Somerville, Massachusetts. Oh, Somerville, yeah. And... Sama. Rhode Island. Somerville.

What are we doing around here? Estonia. You're doing the Comic Connection? That's a great spot. I used to do that. It's a bank vault. It's what it... If it's the same location. It used to be literally a bank vault. The green room for a comedian was the vault. The place was a bank vault the the green room for a comedian was the vault the place was a bank but it was terrible like the one thing about it that was terrible was that you

had these giant ceilings because it was like a bank oh right and you're but you were on stage in a bank i mean it used to be a bank and it's like a bank parking lot i got the worst food poisoning my life in that place like in the year to not even 99 or something like that i don't even know what year it was what'd you eat that poisoned you a pizza oh you know when you eat sushi and you get uh poisoning it's usually not the fish because they have to freeze the fish first it's usually the rice that rice is uh like people's hands yeah they say that about a salad that salad is one of the worst things that people get food poisoning from imagine that yeah trying to be all healthy like I don't want to toxic meat I'll sit here and eat my microbe

infested lettuce but um Montreal if you go like if it's counterintuitive because if you were like if you were headed north and you you know you went all through New York Massachusetts and you got up to Maine you'd be like okay we got to turn around there's nothing up here it's good but if you just kept going you'd be like whoa this is better than Boston this is a magical city this is beautiful everybody taught there are different languages great not better than Boston but it's similar yeah you know I love it there no Montreal's a shit Toronto's a shit. Toronto's a shit, too.

You have a good time in Toronto, too. Yeah. It's like a big city, but they're nice. Weird. The crowds are good, I think. See, Canadian kind of PC people are different, because you know what it is? They'll hear you out. All my jokes are overly wordy, too, so you've got to hear me out before you get mad, or it's not going to work.

But they're Canadian, so their attention span is just longer. And when I fuck up here, it's because somebody was half listening and just heard a word and didn't know what I was saying. Outrage attack! Dude, a girl dumped a drink on me at the cellar. Why? It's on my hour. I don't know. White Precious is a joke about gay marriage.

On the hour? No, no, no. But it's on my hour if you listen to my hour. But she goes, she comes, at the beginning of the thing, I asked if they were for a gay marriage. And I go, because I'm against it. That's why I brought it up. And this is the first line. Right.

But if you listen to the joke, it's clearly a pro-gay marriage joke. But she just ran up, grabbed some other guy's drink. It wasn't her drink. She picked up a dude's drink in front of her and doused me with it. And then they're starting to pull her out. I'm like what just why why did you do that she's like you're against gay marriage is that great i'm like first of all the joke was pro that and then also what was the joke it's about uh why like why we can't have it here because you know we have a constitution god gave us and like oh you know we lose his protection like he watches your holes you know, we have a constitution God gave us. And, like, you know, we lose his protection.

Like, he watches your holes. You know? Right. Like a diamond loop. The guys in their jacket making sure. Let's see what they're up to. Oh, look at that. No more protection for you.

Yeah. So, what did she say? Because I'm against gay marriage. Right. But did you explain to her that you were going, this is a satire? No. The bouncers threw her out. I was trying to make her stay, actually, so is a satire? No, the bouncers threw her out. I was trying to make her stay, actually, so I could.

It was so shocking that it happened, I wasn't mad. But that's exactly what we're talking about. We're talking about people that have a black or a white. Yeah, I'm not proud of you for that. That's why we all supposedly hated George W. for his moral certitude. So I don't want to hear yours. Yeah, especially not in satire. Especially not when you're going to see a comedy show. all supposedly hated George W for his moral certitude. Exactly. So I don't want to hear yours. Yeah.

Especially not in satire. Especially not when you're going to see a comedy show. I'm above the law is how I, my attitude towards comedy, whatever the fucking social norm is, I'm above that. That's why I took this job. I took this job to not do what you do. I don't work at your fucking office, so I'll have to clean it up like we're at the office. Do you know what I mean? People think that that's the way you're supposed to think and talk all the time.

Because they all think they can do it. They all think they're comics too. Jon Stewart said that. That like, you know, people play music that's magical to people and painting that's magic. But everyone thinks they're a comedian. They all think they are. So that's why they feel qualified to tell you. Well, because they talk.

Right. They don't see it as being much different. You're and they're talking well. He's to say about Stern They're like oh, I could do our stern. So you just got talk about pussy. You know like that attitude That's what they think it is so when they talk about mean jokes. They're not thinking of someone crafting something clever They're thinking of oh, you're a lesbian Like lay in their head. That's the same as a joke Yeah, we don't even agree on what jokes, in their head, that's the same as a joke. Yeah. We don't even agree on what jokes are, but to even have that argument about that.

Well, it seems easier than it really is. It seems like you're just a guy who's talking. The thing about, it does, right? It does. It seems. That's what I thought. I thought it was real fucking easy before I did it. I thought that, too, even about podcasting.

Yeah, I thought that. Podcasting also made me really understand and appreciate conversations. Yeah. Because conversations are like a little dance between... Robot dick. You hear that sound? Conversations are a little dance between people. There's a give and a tend.

There's an art to do. People don't always sync up that good with it. Sometimes people are... It's awkward with some folks. It's an art form, though form though dude i didn't realize how radio like it's the same as like comedy when i when i would start to have to be on people's radio shows and i realized there's like a thing to it like what i just always assumed um fuck there's definitely a thing to being entertaining when you're having a long-form conversation you

know the people that think that would be easy to keep a conversation going I've never done it What's the comedian say I'm so high what's the comedian's name that just passed away from the last Boy Scout? He was on my show twice last Boy Scout. Yeah, he's every move. He's from punchline the guy going out of your rug I Don't have no idea who you talk fuck. I think it is. I'm a comedian just passed away. He's my friend I'm doing so high. I'ming. He came on the show twice. Fucking, what else is he in? What did he do? He's like in everything in the 80s.

He's in all these 80s movies. Not Rick Dukaman. No, he's kind of swarthy. Swarthy. Hold on, I'm going to look him up right now. You know who it is, Jamie? Yeah, Taylor.

Taylor Negron. Fuck. Oh, yeah, I know Taylor. These are strong. That guy, so he came on my podcast twice. That guy was so fucking good. Like, that's where I know him from, coming on there.

He would just wait for his part to jump in, and then he had something funny and interesting to say. And he'd jump out. And it was just amazing. Like, he would just dance in, and it was never in somebody's way. And it was always worth, like, paying attention to. Like, I thought he was, like, really killer. He was a good dude, too. I used to always run into him at the improv. Very nice guy very fun guy yeah he's one of the coolest guys

i only met him like briefly but like i really liked him and i really wanted to come back i had no idea he had cancer or anything somehow in another it's better than suicide you know that's the bummer when a guy like robin williams richard jenny somehow or another that to me is like god damn it. Somebody didn't get to those dudes in time, you know Well, it's a man. It's gotta be some kind of mental illness, right? Cuz you're supposed to be wired not to do that Oh, yeah, 100% I think wired by the way. Everybody says wired like where's my wires like the internet is tubes It's the same level of stupid The way we're wired it's not

tubes what is it I mean there's something that goes across the ocean which is new to me tubes and tunnels I didn't know they had to lay lines across the entire fucking actual ocean I was like wait a minute I thought we were Wi-Fi by now that's ridiculous but that's how we connect to the other parts of the world they They have a tube. Right? It's a wire. They have a series of tubes. Essentially.

But if you ask the average person who uses the internet to put up Instagram pics of their ass, how exactly is this getting to Sweden? Because someone in Sweden right now is downloading your Instagram feed. Someone is looking at your butt pictures while you're doing squats on the other side of Africa. Is that like a Snapchat thing? Putting your butt pictures while you're doing squats. Is that like a Snapchat thing, putting your butt up like that? I thought Snapchat's fat to get your dick up, and then it goes away after a few minutes.

Well, Snapchat does, but Instagram, there's girls that have literally millions and millions of followers, and they're just girls in yoga pants. And all they do all day is like squat. That's my new porn search, dude. That was the new porn search I've been using, yoga pants. That's the porn search? That's my new porn search. That was the new porn search. I've been using yoga pants. That's the porn search That's my new one in my dead soul of having to find something to amuse me What will make my dick do anything new shit to Jack yoga pants?

There's something about a girl who's like really spiritual that still wants to fuck guys get very excited plus It's tight so it kind of compressed. Well ass Well the pants could be They always rip the pants open Ooh crazy Like violent It's a little bit Consent? I think so She says may I rip your pants open Or does this disgust?

I think it's important Cause I'm not I'm not jerking off to rape I mean she doesn't Turn her face away from it She dives right into it I don't think that's consent I don't think you understand consent

You're a part of the problem You're cisgendered 90% of communication is nonverbal is how I feel about it. Yeah, you are cisgendered, right? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Dude, fuck yes I am. Fuck yeah.

You're cisgendered. So you're therefore privileged. Do you not apologize for your very existence? You probably should. Well, that's like the original sin now, right? Yes. That's your new fucking sin. Well, amongst a very small percentage of the people.

Isn't it easy to go that full circle to like trying to get away from the circumstances of your birth and now it's fully that now like first we judge you by what your category is before you say anything yes so now two different things me it's different if he says it then you said it well it's like that video that you were we're listening to that jamie was doing where you on the opie and anthony show that was telling you about it where it's like that's what you're you guys are like mocking that very thing right right right i yeah he's the but his videos are the best god the amazing tone as if he's like patiently talking to a fucking waterhead child explaining to you how you should react. Okay, guys.

That's the entire sense of humor they have, too. It's like, you know, someone raising one eyebrow over their glasses at you. Mm, really? That's their little, like, polite disdain or a... I don't know how to describe it. That's like nerd. A contemptuous nerd is the new kind of sense of humor. But there's a big audience for that.

Yeah, for, like, eye-rolling. Yeah. That big audience for that. Yeah, for like eye-rolling. Yeah. That's like just professional eye-rolling. You ever heard of Patton Oswalt? Yeah. Patton Oswalt has some great joke about an altercation that happens in a Starbucks in Los Feliz where he says you could barely hear the Nora Jones song from the sound of the eye-rolling. That's such a great describe.

That is really fucking great. It's a great description of reality. It's so funny. That is so fucking funny. But it's like that attitude, man. It's like, you know, it's all duh. This is duh. Right.

Are you talking to five-year-olds? Because you should need to have a kid. Have a kid and teach a kid about life because i'm not a fucking kid yeah i think they're but that's what so irritating about and also i don't know how they're confusing the role of comedy like comedy i guess it can be a tool for whatever it can be that it doesn't it's not what it is no you're not bat not Batman in with this. Yeah, you're the Joker You Batman is serious. You're that you're a comedian. You're the G. You're not trying to do good You try to show Batman not to take shit So seriously or if you are trying to you should have a real point like hey

Here's something I found out about that you need to make a real drug with that drug It will fucking kill you my friend Yeah, or you could take your points and and put them in joke form, which is what your actual job is. You're not supposed to just come and go, my sister's anti-gay, and I think that's wrong. Great job, Jamie. You fucking really? Does he do that, though? He did that on fucking Conan.

Or one of something he was on. It's just like not a joke. It's just him fucking preaching. Didn't he retire though? He's done, right? He's done with Cassandra? I heard he retired. Really?

Oh, well. Somebody tweeted. I didn't look at it. Might just be temporary. What's he going to do for money then? Sit to sin radio. But did he try to get you fired? No, but he like threw in his own like, yeah, something.

But it was mainly that one girl whose name I don't mention. Good for you. It's not fucking. Good girl whose name i don't mention good for you fucking good for you but uh the i i don't know man i just hate comics turning on each other like that over jokes it's like the idea that you're pretending you don't know that a guy's fucking around and that that's an art there's an art form to go in to see a guy who's saying things you absolutely know he doesn't really believe well look you have to you're look i've had that fight already with fucking you know and the bottom line is everything's propaganda i remember this whole mindset dude everything is from church yeah i know the mindset like what kind of world are you working for at these jokes joe i mean think about that you

know like like we weren't supposed to stumble I was talking about on Marin's show the fucking like you couldn't stumble your brother out of Christianity That was like a big no-no in my church. So let's say your brother Yeah Like let's say you had some doubts about something that you heard in like doctrine and you said it to your brother Rogan and brother Rogan was like yeah, that sounds like bullshit. I'm leaving this church. You stumbled him out of the faith with your shit. You were supposed to humbly just assume that whatever it is will get worked out and not really make a stink about it. Even if you didn't agree with something, you go like, well, they know what's for the best.

That's actively, you're supposed to do that. Okay. So these people have the same thing, but by you making some crass joke about something that's serious, that people don't take seriously enough, you're contributing. You understand? The same way hip-hop is making young black men because of the hip-hop are fucking... It's the same fucking argument. Or how Dungeons & Dragons is encouraging the suicide. Does anybody really say that? It's an old argument.

Does anybody really say that? What? The Dungeons & Dragons. Don't you remember that in the 80s Dungeons and Dragons leads to suicide? Demon ism and fucking there's always a thing that you got to blame I'm telling you jokes one way or another are never gonna affect anything for anything like don't worry about the jokes You know the people who think Bush got elected because of SNL's portrayal of Bush versus their portrayal of gore. I've heard people Oh, what's his name who was on Horatio Sanz said it he thought the election got affected by by Will Ferrell doing Bush that you know

Condescending that is I think he's funny too. Like I'm not against him, but that's the most that's that's how they think They're so condescending. They imagine people were swayed by Saturday Night Live and people are so stupid that they need their gentle fucking lefty hands. Do you understand? Yeah, but hold on a second because you're talking to me from a guy who used to be a fucking Jehovah's Witness. Yeah. So you're talking about an entire religion that believes unbelievably retarded nonsense. Well, it's the Bible. But you're surprised that a portrayal by someone of a president could influence people that watch television?

I don't think anyone switched their vote because they saw jokes about... I think it's very possible that it was a tipping point. I don't think they're responsible. I don't think the person's responsible. Look, people are retarded, dude. I don't think you could sway someone who was... People who voted for Bush were into fucking that ideology. The people's

ideology... It's the same as these lefties. Like, you wouldn't joke them out of believing in the shit they believe. The dumbest outliers it's possible. I think if you could talk someone into being a Scientologist, you could talk someone into voting for anybody. Here's what I'll say to that. If you're that fucking stupid that that worked, you probably didn't

make it out to vote. I'd be willing to bet you didn't make it out to vote But the problem is stupid people are often very motivated That's what you see with the Westboro Baptist Church They're crazy They're not stupid, they're crazy Fred Phelps guy was dumb He was a lawyer, he was a civil rights attorney Yeah, but he was still an idiot

He was socially retarded Yeah, but that doesn't seem stupid That's like an almost willful I don't have to be yeah, but that's not the same as stupid. That's a different kind of that's like an almost willful I don't have to be stupid, but I am. Well, he's smart enough to memorize all the shit that you needed to learn to become a lawyer. I love them, too. First of all, he was a civil rights lawyer

who fought for the right, and he got major breakthroughs for black people. I look it up. He did something really nice. Dude, the best part of this is yeah it's weird they concentrate on this one rule but they're just saying what's in the bible that's my favorite part because all these people out there think no you can moderate you always see that moderate shit so i have news for you if you're a moderate that means you're not in it right you

full of shit okay the people that are really doing it are the extreme ones. It's not a part-time thing So that's why I don't do it anymore because I'm not gonna half-ass do it So I like those people that because literally the Bible says only a few people are gonna survive That's why America is not Christian if America we were all Christian. We wouldn't be Christian automatically It's built in only a small few find the cramped and narrow road Leading to eternal life and narrow road leading to eternal life. And the road leading to destruction is massive. And that's where most of the people go.

So they think they're those few that are on the cramped road, much like a virgin butthole should be. So really the idea of a Christian nation is impossible. Yeah. I don't know what Bible people are reading. Do you cave Jew dumb dumb book? Do you not look at it? That's the same people that tattoo Bible verses on your body. Like, dude you cave, you dumb, dumb book. Do you not look at it? The same people that tattoo Bible verses on your body. Like,

dude, you got to read the whole book. Oh, did I watch? It says not to do that. Yeah. I watched some redneck go, well,

you were not under that law anymore. I watched some redneck on something go, uh, yeah, I was, I'm Christian. So I was raised to fight what I, what I believe in.

It's like the exact opposite of being Christian, you fucking dickhead. Well, people pick and choose. They pick and choose what kind of Bible stuff they like. Yeah, they certainly do. They love to. It's like divorce. You're supposed to stone the woman if you get a divorce.

You don't have the woman leaves you or whatever. No, no, that's for adultery. There's a lot of terrible fucking shit in there. But listen, a lot of it, you can absolutely justify with it was, for the time, was somewhat progressive. Right? When you talk about, okay, you can own slaves. Well, it wasn't the kind of

slavery we had. And at the time, they were nicer about slavery. Like, okay, that's fine, but you're telling me that this book's exceptional. So why aren't they in the future? Like, if the one true God invented this shit, it should be like, oh, way ahead of its time. We're like, we're the ones that don't have slaves

because we have the one true God. Why is it like that? Because I'm supposed to have them judging. I'm supposed to, before I just do anything, imagine one of them, like one of the prophets is alive watching me. What would he, what if Moses were here? What would he think of what I'm doing? I'm supposed to do that and as a Christian

But well like I'm not supposed to judge Moses for his shitty shit, right? Well, yes, this was a killer. Oh, yeah, I never killed anybody Moses and also I don't have slaves So you could save your judgment of my fucking you know Well just a few hundred years ago if you go back and read some of the stuff that uh like lincoln we read this passage by lincoln uh the other day oh i love this i love those passages they're they're crazy i want them in the hall of presidents at disneyland i want lincoln to be like i am not advocating equality for the negro yeah well i'll just say not wanting them to they shouldn't be allowed to vote they shouldn't be allowed to hold office, or be able to intermarry with whites. Like, this was all, like, him in a debate.

Yeah, but that's his, like, compromising to try to make, it's like his Obamacare. You know, it's not a perfect solution, but we had to do something. That's what that shit is. Yeah, probably. I guess back then, as we're saying, that was probably like super radical progressive for the time. I was fighting with Gavin on, you know, Gavin,

right? Gavin McGinnis. I know who he is. I don't know him. So we're on Twitter talking about slavery. I love his fucking, I saw you guys going back and forth. Slavery's not that bad.

Or that the civil war is not about slavery. There would be no civil war if there had been no slavery. They wouldn't have gone to war over cotton tariffs, tariffs. They could have worked that out. Black dick on the loose was Trust me a big fucking factor and if you took it out no war absolutely so black dick on the loose you feel of course Do you think they're gonna like you're gonna free all these slaves?

We've been beaten and they're gonna be just like us and they're gonna be fucking our kids Well, don't you think that the biggest fear was that they would lose the economic impact of having slaves. That was what they were fighting for. That's your rich man's motive for fighting. The poor man's motive is like, uh-oh, now the blacks are coming for mine. That's my one thing I have.

It's a very simple fucking thing. But they always got to soft sell it like, no, there was more to the... Let's say there's no slavery. The Confederacy still sucked. You're still fucking traitors. It's not like if you fucking. How are they traitors? Trying to split up the Union over some bullshit.

Right. But why should they give in to the fucking whims of the North? The North of their fucking cities. That's what essentially was going on, too. That was a big part of what was happening back then. There was two different lifestyles. The North, which was about, like, cities. Right. And and there was a south that was like agriculture and those and when they were saying like you know oh it's about economics well yeah you you have a bunch of people that working

for free and they would like to be paid and you want to keep paying that would have just ended on its own yeah you know people would give up having free labor they would just be like well okay who said that about brazil Who said that about Brazil? That Brazil did it without killing 600,000 people? Oh, this fucking guy. I go, listen, was Hiroshima necessary? Then the Civil War was necessary, okay? If you're going to justify dropping the atom bomb, which I do, then yeah, 600.

If I'm a slave, if I'm ever a slave, by all means, kill half a million Southerners until I'm free. By all means. I'm willing to sacrifice them for me to not be a slave so this guy it's like it's all this shit that's easy for you to say if you're not a slave that's the bottom fucking line and they just won't put themselves in those shoes ever it's got to be like the ultimate shut up black people that's the whole fucking point of that flag we don't care if it bothers you. You'll never get that from us. Yeah, it's a weird pride

thing. It's like, what exactly are you proud of? You lost a war where you were trying to separate from the people that didn't want slavery? Is it you're proud of the spot where you were born which you had no control over? Yeah. Well, dude, I don't even understand flags. You know, I couldn't salute the flag

when I was growing up. You couldn't? No. That's getting involved in neutral in all politics. If you're a Jehovah's Witness, I don't even understand flags. You know, I couldn't salute the flag when I was growing up. You couldn't? No. You weren't allowed to? We're neutral in all politics. If you're Joe's witness, you don't get involved in politics. So you don't vote at all? No. Wow.

Yeah, I don't give a shit what Satan's system of things does. It's going to be all wiped out. Oh, I see. But anyway, so I never got attached to a flag like that. Like, I never understood. Good for you. I never felt that feeling of, like, a flag like that like i never understood like i've never felt that feeling of like a flag even though now i'm like i'm way into america but i i couldn't ever like just be into a flag it's so something so gross about that well it is kind of gross and it's

it's gross just by way of all all definitions that are like confining like if you can find yourself like now i'm american this fucking mexican's trying to come over here to our land imagine if you're saying hey man i'm from cal American, this fucking Mexican's trying to come over here to our land. Imagine if you were saying, hey, man, I'm from California. And those fuckers from Nevada trying to come over to California, we're going to kill them. No, you go over to Nevada and there's just other Americans. You're like, hey, how you doing? But if you go right instead of left, all of a sudden you're in a place where people look exactly the fucking same. You could run into a ton of Mexicans in Nevada.

And they're like, hey, what's up, brother? What are you doing, man? What's going on? Everything's cool. Everything's normal. You talk to them like they're your friends. They're fellow Americans. But that, yeah.

Go right. And then they're the, what? The enemy? What are they? Their ally? Right. They can't come over here? Well, people don't seem to realize that whatever immigrants it is, it's not like if they learn

English, but if their kids learn English or something. You I mean well that's not an erasure on yeah but she you know I was surprised because she fest because I go my whole thing is can you just go to wherever who is hiring illegals and go let's see everyone's paperwork right and then penalize the company for doing that and then problem solved there's no more jobs for them and she's like yeah no the corporations are that one of the biggest promoters of it but so so bill maher made a good point he's like you should have called the book that something you know how corporations are fucking it up because people are just going to dismiss your points now because you just blamed it on the why blame the immigrant

why would i not come here and try to get a job if i needed one why would i not that's just a radical hot button topic though blaming it on immigrants like people love doing that because it's a good thing to get people on your side. There's a few key components. You're not going to touch my guns. Fucking immigration is ruining this country. It's a fine country. We've got to worry about it. We've got porous borders.

But it's such an eternal argument, man. It sounds so Bill the Butcher when they're throwing potatoes at Irish people coming off the boat. It sounds just like that. You just sound like the same shit. People all want the same shit. They want to have, like, the fucking middle-class home and all that. And you can see it. Every fucking race that comes here that gets to that level,

they kind of just live like TV sitcom people. You know what I mean? Exactly. That's what most people... There's only a few of them where they try to fucking set themselves apart, and they're mostly white cuckoo religions. Yeah. Yeah Yeah It's it's real hard when you try to see like how robot dick again things distracting as fuck

Oh, yeah, I like how you lean back. I'm not gonna hear it though in your ears. You must know Oh soothing me Try the gum.'t like the gum. I just like getting bigger, darker objects to put into my mouth. Dude, they gave us one that was so stupid. Do we still have that stupid thing around here, Jamie? It's in the back. Leave it back there.

They gave me a, you've seen that one. Yeah, it looks like a lightsaber. It looks retarded. It literally looks like a weapon. I know, they construct them themselves like lightsabers. Yeah. It was huge. It was huge. You had to refill it, though, every like like lightsabers. Yeah. It was huge. It was huge.

And you had to refill it, though, every, like, ten hits or something. Yeah. You do that, and you squirt into the cotton and everything. What are you doing there? I don't use cotton. It's a mess every time I do it. I need some tissue. I have an eyedropper of shit. Now the battery ran out, so I got a spare battery in his car.

Oh, my God. You're a junkie. Yeah, but it's not, like, killing me how cigarettes were killing me. I mean, cigarettes were killing me, man. I could feel it battery in his car. Oh, my God. You're a junkie. Yeah, but it's not like killing me how cigarettes were killing me, man. I could feel it. It was horrible. You could feel it like eating away at your health? Oh, yeah. So I don't feel like that no more.

Brian, how long have you been off now? I think three weeks. I'm proud of you, dude. That's really strong. That's very strong. I'm glad you made it that far, man. Just keep going. Do you think you're free now?

Yeah, I'm just bored. Yeah, but do you think you're free where you'll stop smoking from now on? Yeah, seems like it. I really hope so, dude. I used to, I really worried about you. I was like, I'm gonna get the call one day from that guy and he's gonna say I have cancer and I'm like, I can't even tell you. I tried to get you to quit for ten fucking years.

Yeah, I was up to two packs also. I know. It's that store, dude. It's the goddamn store. It's the comedy store, definitely, yeah. Everybody smokes there. And they're all just, no comedy when I start comedy

is when I start smoking. Yeah. The store is a real bad, it's better than, the improv's not as bad as far as like, the laugh factor's not bad at all because there's nowhere to smoke.

Right. The fact that the comedy store has a patio you can smoke at. So like you're sitting there and people are just blowing smoke In your face non-stop. That's an interesting thing. I've never thought about with the laugh factor the factor doesn't have anything They don't have a place where you can go like that Improv kind of has like that parking lot type parking lot is great. I'm out there all the time

Are you at the improv today? No, no, I'm off until Thursday. I'm doing the store Thursday Friday and Saturday Oh, okay. I wish you were around, you motherfucker. I know. I want to see you do some stand-up in town. I haven't seen you since Montreal. We were at that little tiny club, the Comedy Works. Jimbo's.

He's an ex-Joe of his witness, too, the owner. Is he really? Yeah. Wow. I sensed him like the Highlander. That's hilarious. But he's out of business now. That club's gone.

When did it go under? I don't know. It sucks. I used to love going to hang out there Man I know dude That was a great club Oh can I

You get a lot of listeners right? Yeah let's plug the shit out of some of them Because I'm at Stress Factory In New Brunswick On July 23rd through 25th Excellent If you're out there Come see me at the Stress Factory

Beautiful Do that Yeah he's hilarious If you haven't seen Kurt Metzger Plug your ear So I can talk nice about you Very very funny guy That's why I can talk nice about you. Very, very funny guy. That's why I really wanted to see you while you were in town.

Yeah, man, I've been wanting to come on for a while. Fucker! How often are you around here? Depends what work I have. I had a press junket to do. And your podcast is on iTunes. People can get it on everything. SoundCloud, iTunes. Yeah, it's called Race Wars with Kurt and Sherrod. I'm going to subscribe right now. I heard great things about it, though. I heard it's on iTunes. People can get it on everything. SoundCloud, iTunes. Yeah, it's called Race Wars with Curt and Sherrod. I'm going to subscribe right now. I heard great things about it, though. I heard it's really funny.

The last episode came out as one of our better ones. Beautiful. But, you know, sometimes it's the people talking over each other's show. That happens. That's why it's not as easy as it looks. I agree with you. You know what I saw the other day? Somebody put up a video of Deadmau5, Eddie Bravo, Russell Peters, me, and you doing a podcast.

Remember that podcast that we did? Yeah. All the talking over each other. We were all hammered. It was ridiculous. It was so bad. It's so hard to listen to. It's so bad to fucking, yeah.

So hard to listen to. Yeah, that happens a lot with the Ice House Chronicles. Yeah. That's one of the most annoying things. Did you see that? Well, we've had as many as seven or eight people on a mic there before. Yeah. Did you see the Paris Hilton

prank video? No. I gotta go, though. I have to go. Unfortunately, I have to leave early. Well, check it out. Paris Hilton, this Egyptian guy pranked her where they're in an airplane, and they made the airplane nose dive and stuff like that, and now she's like, I fly all the time, and now I'm scared to be

on a plane. Well, she's allowed to sue, I guess. Unfortunately, I have to end this thing early. I got an obligation. But Kurt Metzger, thank you very much for coming on. Come on, resource, man. We're going to be on Sirius, too. When can I come on?

How do we do it? We Skype? Yeah, absolutely. Anytime you want to do that, we can. Do you ever do it out here? Do you do it live out here ever? No. I want to do that, we can Do you ever do it out here? Do you do it live out here ever? No, I want to do a tour with him You should do it, man

Listen, Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky Duncan Trussell, they're doing that thing on tour All across the country They do their podcasts on tour Duncan loves it He said he loves it as much as he loves doing stand-up Well, I get a couple live ones that are pretty fun, man I've done Diaz's live.

I've done Kill Tony, Brian's live. That's a lot of fun to do. Kill Tony's hilarious. You've done that one? I did that last night. Oh, that's right. Yeah, that one was fun, man. That was really fun. We're out of here, you fucks. We'll see you soon. That's it for the week. Be back on Monday. Lots of great shit next week.

See ya. Bye. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Asshole.