The Joe Rogan Experience - #669 - Joey Diaz

Episode Date: July 7, 2015

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Joey also hosts his own podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now”, available on Spotify.

We're live. Ba-bam. So this story's about... We're talking about G. Gordon Liddy. So G. Gordon Liddy in this episode of Miami Vice was a sergeant in Vietnam, and right when Saigon fell, he held on to 300 kilos of pure heroin, and he took it to the United States in dead bodies. This is what the episode's about. 1986, Miami Vice.

They bring it to Miami, and he sat on it for 20 years, until the value went all the way up, just like an investment. And then he let it loose. But by that time, it had gotten contaminated. It started killing junkies all up and down the East Coast. What a brilliant episode. Wow. So they had to go in and dig for G. Gordon Liddy.

And this motherfucker shows up, right, for this board meeting. That's when I had to leave the house. He shows up to this board meeting. He's like, yeah, the heroin was mine, blah, blah, blah. He goes, I guarantee. They called him Sergeant Real Estate. And in the episode, he goes, I guess you guys forget who the hell I am.

He turns around. He goes in his briefcase, and he throws a chain of ears on the table when he walks out. That's it. That's the episode. Tremendous. And this is 80 what?

This is 86, this episode on Miami. This is way before American Gangster was talking about it. This was already out that they were bringing heroin and dead bodies. And that's how the episode starts. The reporter takes Don Johnson to the morgue, and he opens it up in Vietnam, and he goes, this is your friend. Stick your hand in there. And it was just pure heroin.

That was what they did, right? That's what they were doing towards the end. I don't know the beginning of that. But it was really the CIA. They're blaming it all on some black guy from Harlem. Well, you know, there's a guy named Mr. Nice. I forget what his name is. Something Banks.

A famous drug dealer. What he said was it wasn't the CIA. What it was is some people in the CIA. He said it's some cowboys in the CIA. And that's what makes the most sense to me. Like, this idea that the big Organization the CIA would be involved in drug smuggling seems like so crazy Joe Rogan. It's too many But it's plenty of people there's plenty of people that did do it

Look, there's plenty of examples like there's an example right now this thing called the Silk Road You know about the Silk Road the Silk Road was this underground Drug dealing like network that this guy had created and they were just selling mad money Matt mad drugs like underground and they had they created this thing like it's it's it's a total What it is is it operates like completely under the wire and these DEA guys I get think it was DEA They infiltrated it and they got into the Silk Road. One of the first things they did, they started stealing money.

Now these guys are in jail. They're going to jail right now. They're in, they're in court right now and they're wondering like whether or not this case is even valid. Cause these guys for sure had access to this guy's account. And part of what they were trying to try this guy on is his complicit that he was complicit in the drug selling and there was also some

possibility that people were murdered although there was no body there's a lot of kinky shit going on with this and the kinkiest part is that the agents were stealing money bitcoins yes they were stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin so they realized that there was a lot of value in this like that shit has always gone on. I think the reason why you have guys like this that are showing up in the Silk Road case, there's always been cowboys.

But I think there's been good guys, too. There's been guys who are in the CIA that really did it for America. I had this guy Michael Baker in, man. I'm pretty good at recognizing bullshit. You know, and he's a longtime CIA operative. And he's a fucking great guy. I mean, he really does seem like he loves America. Like, I don't and he's a long time CIA operative and he's a fucking great guy. I mean,

he really does seem like he loves America. Like, I don't think he's bullshitting. I think there's a lot of those guys, they get in those positions

and they get a group of them together just like they did with Rampart with those fucking bad cops. They get a group of them together

and they go, look, what happened? Oops, I popped that out. They get together, look, all these guys

are making money, right? Fuck them. They're all criminals and, all these guys are making money, right? Fuck them. They're all criminals and scumbags and cunts. Let's just get some of this money, man. Let's just get some of this money. Come on, man. You're never going to stop these fucking people.

This is what we do. We keep throwing a few of them in jail. We do whatever the fuck we got to do. We're the gang here. We got the law on our side. Let's fucking make some money. That's what they want to do. When I said CIA, I shouldn't have said that.

You're absolutely right. There was factions, like a brown bag, like a black bag faction that went in after the Marines would go in, and they'd shoot everybody and throw cards, you know, whatever the fuck it was. When you're shipping heroin from wherever the fuck that is considered all the way to the United States through three or two different airports and people have to unload them and you have, you know, whatever people walking through your plane when they first come in, you know, to inspect them.

That's a lot of people you got to grease. It has to be somebody huge. You know, this isn't me and you getting a boat and going to Columbia and paying some guy with me and Red Band, and we just shoot across with police scanners and try our best. You know, to infiltrate, to bring in that amount of heroin, you have to spend a lot of dough. That's where your costs come in.

That's where you set the wholesale and the retail prices. You know, years ago, 20 years ago, they would smuggle it 60 miles in, 70, 45, 50 miles in from the United States around Miami, and they would dump it overboard with weights. And 12 hours later, the boom would explode, and the bales would rise up, and you'd come by, a fisherman would come by and put the bales in. Meanwhile, the DEA was looking for that boat that was speeding across on their radar But they would throw you know that's that takes expensive Equipment to devise something to throw you you know 50 pounds of cocaine 100 feet under the water and then 12 hours later

Everything blows and your coke rises to the top and now some guy comes and just picks it up. This is brilliant stuff That's so great. This is what the jail is really what they did. That was one part of things They did oh my you know after a while to beat the federal government You gotta you got and it doesn't listen man What what the budget is for fighting drugs and what a drug dealer spends a month? I'm talking about a guy that's bringing in a thousand kilos a month of, whether it be heroin or fucking cocaine. That's big powder. Somebody's got to be turning around.

And they were flooding the market with heroin. I remember being a little boy in New York and going to visit my godmother or my mother's friends and seeing people everywhere nodding. Early New York to me was a fucking, this shit, what's the show now where people are dead walking around Atlanta? I saw that growing up I saw that growing up as a kid row where they used to have in Harlem Spanish Harlem skid row scary than all you know they had people nodding at the lights people waiting across the street and they nod at the fucking light you know what they

don't have though in New York that they have here in L.A.? See, in New York, all these cities have buildings. There's like these streets where these people are. It's like these are places where other folks go. Like you got all your homeless people. You got your poor people. But there's cars that go through those areas and it's well-traveled. Like New York blends more. L.A. has these blocks that are

just homeless people and when i mean just homeless people i'm talking thousands like there literally might be a thousand people on this block oh dude you've seen them oh yeah you you make a wrong turn and you get right in the middle of it it's's a Michael Jackson video. Yeah. It really is. It's insane. Where? Downtown. There's a spot. They call Skid Row.

It actually says, if you go on Google Map and type Skid Row, Los Angeles, it actually says Skid Row on the map. Is it like a mile long? I mean, is it a couple blocks long? I'll show you. It's a lot. There's a lot of it. There's more than one area. There's like one long street.

But we used to work, when we did Fear Factor. We used to work in these buildings. And these buildings were a lot of them abandoned textile buildings or they were renting them out. It's where American Apparel actually is made. It's really weird. We were in the American Apparel factory. We had to go through the American Apparel factory to get to the roof. We watched them like make their clothes.

You know, they do make them in downtown LA. It's like one of the things they pride themselves in. Jesus fucking Christ, Joey Diaz. But we would go to the top of these um, hang up on it, Jesus Christ. Let me check and see who the fuck it is. No, I'm trying to remember.

Sorry. That's alright. We would go to the top of these buildings and you could literally, there was areas where you know, you could see them. Like out into the the rest of the streets and if you drove down there you drove down the street I'm not bullshitting you would see hundreds hundreds of homeless people just swarming the streets and there's these areas where they have like it's crazy Joey they have these areas where they have like they give them food or they They have these areas where they have, like, they give them food,

or they have, you know, areas where they can get medical assistance, stuff like that. And those areas are particularly dense. Now, when I shot NYPD Blue, I shot at a downtown location. That's what, Poo Hall, kind of, sort of. And they had tons of homeless people. And while I was standing there, I heard people going in, talking about how they had day rentals, the government would pay for 15 days and they'd be out in the street for 15 days. Shit like that.

But I didn't see that. I didn't see like a tent bill. This seems mild compared to what I saw. When was this? What year is this? Well, maybe they've cleaned it up a little. Well, it's also during the day. I've gone through the night.

Oh, yeah. And that's scary as fuck. Jamie, go back. Go back. I want to see what the statistics were. There's homeless people in every city and it's out of proportion in some cities

more than others. Here, pause on that for a second. Skid Row is an area downtown LA in 2007. The population of the district was 17,740. Skid Row is defined as... Oh, my God. What the fuck does that mean? Defined in a decision by Jones versus City of Los Angeles is the area east of Main Street, south of Third Street, and west of Alameda Street.

So it's kind of like a block. It's like an area. But that area has 17,000 homeless people. Is that right? That's a goddamn Kevin Hart concert. With the fire and everything Boom That's a Kevin

Kevin Hart sold out Madison Square Garden Three fucking shows in a row He's a monster Comedy's at an all time high He's the biggest He's the biggest comedian Of all time

Kevin no one's ever been As big as Kevin Hart As far as like popularity No one even close I can't think of one person I think there's a couple guys That like got up to that edge But I think he's Taking it to a totally different stratosphere.

Dane got pretty far. He got on that edge. Louie's on that edge. But Kevin Hart is routinely doing these crazy arena shows. He's doing 40,000-plus people, or he sold 40,000-plus tickets already for a show in Philly where he's filming a special. Dude, it's just total next level positive energy shit. And if you go to that kid's

Instagram page, his Instagram is all about positive, like energy, like going to work, I'm doing what I love to do, I'm working. Shows him in the gym, putting work in. He does 5Ks with people in neighborhoods and shit. Did you see that? They were chasing him last week in Boston. He flew into the 5 fucking K.

He's a bad motherfucker. He's got 5 fucking K. He's got a reality show You know he's got a cartoon. He's a man. He never stops. He's got his own line of underwear I do whatever the fuck he wants. He's an animal It would suck to be in those concerts though and being like the back that cannot be enjoyable here Huge screens huge screens and the way they acoustically set up these things used to be a problem Like I told you that I used to be a problem um like i told you uh that i used to work at great woods this is kind of a funny story because uh it was during a bill cosby show that there was an issue there uh bill cosby and um there was a a rodney dangerfield show

the same issue and the issue was the way great woods is set up it's an amphitheater so you're indoors and part of it and part of it is outdoors. And the back of it leads out to this, like, lawn area, or at least it did when I worked there. And so you could hear if you were under the canopy. There was, like, an acoustic canopy above all the seats in the front, but then in the back there was no seats. So it's like you had monsters behind you.

So you're trying to watch a show. Like, there was one big fight. I think I want to say it was Judas Priest. Was it Judas Priest? No, Jethro Tull. It was Jethro Tull. There was a Jethro Tull concert. And there was a fucking mad riot because people started lighting fires up in the hood, up in the grass area.

They were just lighting fires. And there was not enough of us to sort of like control it all because it was getting really fucking crazy. So I put my security jacket, I put a hoodie on over my security jacket, zipped it up, threw the hoodie over my head and said, fuck this job. And I just quit. I was like, you can't pay me nine bucks an hour to get killed because this is fucking madness.

I saw fistfights. My friend Larryry who's like one of the nicest guys in the world punched some guy and i was like oh i'm that if larry's hitting people larry's like the sweetest of sweethearts and i'm like if this guy's hitting people i am gone this is a madness in the air i gotta get the out of here i got pissed off for the jet hotel concert too because he breaks out the flute you get once he breaks out the flute you're like what he breaks out the flute you're like what the fuck is this people from the east coast we don't like flutes we don't like flutes

my point was in the back area the green the green the grass area you couldn't hear the words you didn't understand what the fuck it was it was all echoes yeah it was all blah blah blah like people were pissed they go i don't know what the fuck he's saying and ronnie was killing too and and so was Cosby. Cosby was killing, too. We were just, Jamie and I were talking about Red Rocks. If you've been to Red Rocks, you get so impressed with the sound. You're like, gee.

And I went like an 80-something, and then I went like a 90-something. And it was like being indoors. That's amazing. And Fiddler's Green, which is a little smaller. I think on the other side of Denver They had an issue there, but now even the Hollywood Bowl Jesus How many people are there? What's the popular not too many? I think I don't think that's insane look how beautiful you stand up there Do you ever do stand up there? They do it they do it there. Yeah, somebody did

Chuck Roy was doing a set there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody did. He was doing like a movie night where he would like host and do some comedy. Yeah, Brody did. Look how beautiful. Brody didn't get paid for that one. That was one that Brody didn't get paid for.

They fucked him out. He went on Twitter. He got his money. He should have fucking went on Twitter. Did he get his money? I think so. Well, we were retweeting it. Yeah, he was like, I'm sorry.

That's crazy. I finally got my money for concert number three or whatever listen what they did was crazy They do is crazy He had a two shows one was in a small theater and one was in this big theater He's doing the show in the small theater and they go would you like to do a show in the big theater? So he goes yeah sure thinking he's gonna get paid they asked him Do you want to work he put his name on the bill like he show he tweeted pictures of the lineup? They had his name in the lineup.

It wasn't like a guest set or anything like that. It was a guy they had scheduled on the show. Nobody wants to go up first. You don't want to go up first in front of fucking 15,000 people. You want to get the crowd warmed up first. Brody had to go up there and do the hardest spot of the night. The second hardest spot of the night. The hardest spot of the night is

following someone who crushes. If you're going on after Diaz, that's the hardest spot of the night. But the second hardest the night is following someone who crushes. If you're going on after Diaz, that's the hardest spot of the night. But the second hardest part of the night is the first guy. The first guy, his first couple minutes is kind of like a throwaway. You've got to kind of get everybody loose, get everybody feeling good, and then boom, hit him. And the material

has got to have very few bumps in it. Because you're trying to hypnotize these fuckers. So the early material has got to be real smooth. The more herky-jerky the earlier stuff is, the less likely to trust you, you motherfucker. You can't even get me in a goddamn trance. You're slipping up your words.

But if you go out there just smooth style and just walk right into it and really know what the fuck you're doing to get things started, you forget about that. I forget about that. I opened for Callan when he was doing his DVD and I just opened.

It was the first time I had done that in forever. I was like, ooh, this is interesting. This is like a different, you kind of got to get everybody, you feel it. You feel like they're not

quite there yet. You got to kind of like massage, and then you start to fucking crank it up and make them keep up. You know, but it's definitely

a different thing. You got to slow them down, suck them in. And then the other night I did the storyteller show. And everybody talks about suicide. I had a kid that grew up with Steve Mancini. And one day he just said, fuck it. He went to Carvel. He walked the suicide bridge.

He ate his sundae. He took his glasses off. He put them down and he jumped. And that was it. Didn't leave a note, nothing. He was his sundae. He took his glasses off. He put them down and he jumped. And that was it. Didn't leave a note, nothing. He was always a little fucking crazy. Every time you saw him, he was quoting albums and shit. Like, it's rolling thunder, fire

and rain. So you know he was disturbed somewhere along the line. But nobody gave a fuck. Like, even today, when I go home and I go, what happened to Steve Banshee? Fuck him. He jumped. He committed suicide. Times have changed. People give a fuck now. You kill yourself.

Oh, he was his hurting soul. 20 years ago, you kill yourself. Fuck that motherfucker. He's in limbo. Isn't that funny? Because it was more like back then, like, ah, fucking, you're an idiot. Yeah, back then, like, that's it. You were forgotten.

They had no mass for you. Right? When you ice yourself, you can't get massed. That's true if you're religious, right ice yourself, you can't get masked. That's true if you're religious, right? Yeah, you can't get masked up. When you die, they bury you. You don't go to hell or heaven. You go to limbo. You're floating around with other people carrying a rope.

We never heard about mental illness when I was a kid. No, not at all. You heard about completely crazy people that were locked in an asylum. But the idea of your aunt taking pills because she's bipolar. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Because it was accepted and everyone did it. It was like, oh, yeah, we used to take Valium. No, I think it's the opposite.

I think you just got used to people being fucking crazy. You didn't feel like you had to medicate them. I think people were way more crazy in the 60s and 70s. I had a dude, Johnny Reed, that tried to kill himself, but he jumped off a building and he landed in a dumpster. Oh, my God. And he lived. Oh, my God to kill himself when he jumped off a building and he landed in a dumpster. Oh my God. And he lived. Oh my God. How bad was he broken? Fucked up,

right? Fucked up. And he threw punches. Oh my God. He threw punches into the air. Oh no. Johnny Reed was a trip. He was an Irish. And he got a check from the government. And he gave it to the bartender on the first. That's what people thought, but he lived. He banged his head on the dumpster. And he fucking held the the bartender on the first that's what people thought but he lived like he banged his head on the dumps

Oh my and he fucking over the dog He lived and he'd give his chick from the government on the first to the bartender And he torment the bartender to that check was done Then they throw him out to the first and they were last till about the 18th and 19 When I was a kid I used to torment Johnny Reed he going to the you know on the East Coast He locked the bathrooms from the out You like the bathrooms from you know on the East Coast you lock the bathrooms from the out. What the fuck are you saying?

You lock the bathrooms from the outside on the East Coast. When you leave a bar at night when they close up, they lock the bathroom and then they put

like a lock bolt so if you break in they can't, he would go in the bathroom, Johnny Reed, like 11 o'clock in the morning to pee and we'd lock him in there

and we'd leave him in there until like 6 o'clock at night. We'd come back to have a drink, We'd open the bathroom and he'd come out like nothing. I swear to God, like nothing happened. He was hilarious. I mean, one day I put my dick on a chair next to him.

He was sitting on a bar stool. My friend was like, put your dick on a chair. See what happens. And he's like, wow. And he just got up. Johnny relived like maybe 12 years ago. We used to give him bumps of coke and get him riled up at the bar and then he'd just leave. Fuck you motherfuckers. I'll fight all

he is. Then he'd just fucking leave. Hilarious. Anyway. Did you ever have a girl you dated kill herself? No. They should've. After I put that fucking helmet, rat, chlamydia fucking dick in you,

you should kill yourself. You should kill yourself the first time and when you get to your destination. Kill yourself once you get up to heaven. No, no. I'm not forgiving me. Fuck no. Are all your ex-girls still alive? Both of yous?

Well, I was going to bring that up. It was like one girl that I knew. She didn't kill herself. Well, she kind of did, but it was with drugs. But she wasn't ever a girlfriend. She was a girl I knew when I was young. Then I hung out with her again when we were like adults. But not much.

You know, we'd talk on the phone every now and again. She was fucked up. She was some form of opiates you know i don't know the whole story but uh she was sweet girl it was a real bummer it's really depressing when you hear about shit like that it's like oh that's so depressing you know it's it's so depressing when someone just can't keep a hold on it or just gets caught up in a spell and then their life just slips away i know more than i mean more than i like i know quite a few people i have a real problem with those goddamn pills especially those pills they're so fucking available joey they they're so available

they give me you hurt you you got a boo-boo you got a boo-boo? You got a boo-boo? Here, man. Become a fucking angel. Take this. Go off in a la-la way. Melt into your pillow and float away in a cloud of love. Go ahead. And, oh, you're going to have to get off that if you want your life. And you give these people these pills and you tell them, hey, man, you got a few weeks off of work. You know, you hurt your back.

Had to get surgery. And you'll start popping these fuckers watching TV and next thing you know Do do do do do do do do do do do that's your life your life is that I'm fucking shop You know shop is a goddamn super athlete Brendan Sharpe's is big giant gorilla UFC fighter pretty straight edge, dude pretty clean-cut, dude fighter pretty straight edge dude pretty clean cut dude Four months in he's taking these fucking pills and his friends have to tell him like do you gotta stop? His friends had to take his pills from him

They fucking get you dude. Yeah, I know a girl that's going through it She buys a viking it and like like like I was talking dealers Yeah, she has did she gets viking in any downer and then it's weird because then she can't sleep at night So it's her all peeled up just talking like online and like I'm periscope and shit. You're just like what the fuck It's weird watching strangers on periscope also just you know late night How long before somebody kills himself on periscope? I think it's already probably happened, right? Probably, right. You know, it's crazy. I had a girlfriend in the eighth grade I really dug. I met her.

She was a cheerleader. Pretty cute. This is fucked up. And Irish chick, just red hair. I just dug her. You know, we'd hold hands and eat a slice of pizza after the basketball game. We went to movies. We maybe swap spit.

And one day we were talking about dry humping or whatever the fuck we were going to do. We went i'll never forget this i was dating like maybe two or three months just on the weekends and i'd walk down to union city and uh one day asked i said what time your parents got home she goes well my dad gets home at five and my mom is dead and i was like 12 or 13 joe my head almost exploded. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? She's like, my mom died at childbirth. You know, and I was like, I couldn't even make out with her. I couldn't do anything. I was just, I just remember going home and going, I can't see this girl no more.

I mean, what the fuck? How come you couldn't see her? I just, that thought had never entered my mind. So it was just too sad for you? It was too, it was too mind-boggling, like not having a mom.

So I called her up one day and I stopped dating her and I started dating this other Irish chick and I never thought about her again, you know, I know she was mad

and then my mother died and I was like, that's the first person i thought it was this poor girl like i knew what she fucking felt like now i never i could never imagine that pain when i was dating her when she told me that i'm like what are you fucking talking about your whose mom dies whose fucking mom dies that's the worst thing i've had i think one of my girlfriends died one of the girls i dated early on died about two years ago. I'm still friends with her brother.

We didn't really date. We messed around a little bit. She was fucking crazy. And she ended up dying from pills and booze. Nobody really knew. Joe, we started off with guns and then we went to death. No, he asked me one of my... Guns was before the podcast.

He's the one that asked me if one of my girlfriends killed themselves. So I was just thinking about it. It's weird when people that you really care about aren't there anymore. It's a weird thing because they just vanish. They just don't exist anymore. And it's a sadness that it's just so forever. I mean, my friend Johnny, who was my best friend for a long time. He was a great guy.

I fucking loved that dude. I couldn't wait to see him every time I go to the East Coast. We'd hang out, flew him up here, and when I flew him up here, he was detoxing. Same thing, pills. He was into oxys, and he was into heroin, like strong shit, like strong opiates towards the end. And it took a few days for him to get off of it.

And then then we could go around and hang out. He's just at my house, just sweating for like four or five days. And when he died, man, I remember thinking, like, I can't believe I'll never talk to that dude again. I can't believe I'll never talk to that dude again I can't believe like he was like there's one of the things about Johnny is like he had this like real clear view what the fuck is going on like he he was he had him his life might have been chaotic as far as drugs but he knew exactly what everybody was up to he knew it he just knew he was a very smart dude very good at reading people and you can see like he's like looking around when i met you

that was the first thing that i noticed when i met when i met you it's like there was all these people that were scared of you it was so weird there was all these people that were like nervous around you you know they thought like jo Joey Dea is a bad guy. This was like the late 90s or whatever it was when we first met. And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. This guy's great. You seem to me to be a lot like him. And you're the only two, you and him are the only two real original humans I've ever met.

Where I can't, I don't know anybody else like you. And I didn't know anybody else like you and I didn't know anybody else like him just completely original characters it was one of the first things that I really liked about you because we met like was like 95 or some shit like what was it seven was it 97 I was still on news radio radio so it was only so that would have spent two years into news radio and having those kind of friends whose phone was that yours Joey how dare on news radio. So I would have spent two years into news radio. having those kind of friends, whose phone is that? Yours, Joey? How dare you? It's, uh,

you know. Friends like that are so important in your life. Friends who? You need people to clear you up from time to time. That's why I call home every morning. I got four or five different guys that whenever I talk to, I talk to them and everything gets nice and smooth. Every morning. For them, too. One or the other.

Yeah. And right now, it's really weird because now I have two friends I haven't spoken to in 20 years. When I went on the lam to Sarasota, that kid hit me up on an email and he goes, I need to talk to you. And him and I, when I went back to New Jersey, he was one of those kids. He was in Sarasota. You know what there is to do in Sarasota in 1982? Nothing. So when I went down there, he was all excited.

He's got a partner. You know? The thing about him is he was shooting fucking Decker in his biceps. I mean, seriously. He was shooting him in his shoulder caps and his traps. He was gone. He was gone. You know what I'm saying?

He was just a balloon. And he was eating. He was gone. Jesus Christ. He was gone. You know what I'm saying? He was just a balloon. And he was eating. He was eating. What's the German? Five milligram. The shit that just puts, not testosterone, not decadarablam, but he was eating that gorilla shit. We're guaranteed to gain, not decabar, D-ball.

D-ball. No, what's Dianaball? Anadrol. Dianaball. Dianaball. This is 1982, people. So the names have changed. Yeah, if you want to look like a fucker.

So everything on him was, he was popping those Diana Balls. Right. Like, he was supposed to eat three a day. He was eating, like, eight a day. He was eating a double prescription bottle and then blasting off the fucking shit in his forearm. He was huge. I loved him, though. I got him. So when I left, he always got mad was huge. I loved him, though. I got him.

So when I left, he always got mad at me. He called me, man. He hit me up on an email on my website. Really? I called him back. I go, what's up, dog? It took me a couple days. I don't want to hear this shit.

And he goes, hey, man, my dad died. And he goes, I got to tell you something. I think about you every day because I can't imagine how you were handling this shit at 16. Then my other buddy died. His mom died about a month ago. I sent flowers. And he keeps calling me every morning going, dog, I don't imagine how you were handling this shit at 16. Then my other buddy died. His mom died about a month ago. I sent flowers. And he keeps calling me every morning going, Doug, I don't know how the fuck you did it at 16.

I got the most respect for you in the world. It's like now I'm paying them back. Wow. For them taking care of me when I was younger. It turned around. I miss my dead buddies, bro. I'd miss Rego. Like that crazy dude, the bodybuilder,

that was fucking you know We would take him to bars and we say Rago get on top of the fucking stage and pose Who goes to a bottle he didn't give a fuck and I take him to the UFC bar go get up there But this is the guy that you told me that was doing a line while his mother's He's doing a line in front of his mother why he was on the phone where his mother shot steroids in his ass. While he was doing a line and he's talking on the phone at the same time. This is brilliant. Come on, tell me that wouldn't be like one of

the most hilarious scenes in a movie ever. He comes to my shows, Danny B. He still comes to my shows. He's still alive? He calls into the podcast. How did that guy make it? He just put a picture of him on Twitter dressed in fucking full army regalia with like fucking five generals behind him. Him 19 years old.

He was the soldier of the year in the Army, dog. That's why he was doing this, this, and this at the same time because he could do that. That's how crazy. He was the soldier of the year. They were doing exercises in fucking Beirut and four guys were in a a raft, and the raft tipped over, and he saved all four of them. So they made him the soldier of the fucking year. He went to the White House. Two years later, they discharged him, and he was selling blow on the fucking kid.

How fucking crazy is that? They dishonorably discharged him for running a gambling operation in the fucking North Carolina, wherever they were stationed. Let me ask you this. Oh, sorry. No, no. This other kid that I showed you, the crazy one that he won like Mr. New Jersey, Darren. I miss him every morning.

He was the guy that died young from steroids. He died from, you know, everything. Everything. He had hepatitis C. Oh, Jesus. From sharing needles? Well, he was already shooting in high school. Really?

By March of 82, he was already coming to my house going, I gotta talk to you, dog. I gotta talk to you, man. Like, that's the first person who ever, ever sat me down. He's like, listen, let me tell you. And he was coked out. We were both doing coke.

And it was like a secret inside his heart. He's like, I gotta tell you something, man.oked out we were both doing coke and it was like a secret inside his heart because i gotta tell you something man and he took off his shirt he started doing push-ups like somebody just starts doing 50 push-ups in front of him like what the fuck's going on he got up and started flexing i'm like what are you doing and he goes i go to this person's house and they were gay in 82. these two guys were gay, but he grew up with them, and he remained friends with them, and he didn't care they were gay. Nobody knew. So they were sharing vitamin B shots,

and they were sharing Deca. No good ever comes out of we were sharing a needle. Even if it is vitamin B. We saved 29 cents. Nobody fucking knew. That's like, you know, listen, man. When you're at that level of a guy in that type of gym situation, think about it. You and I have never been that guy.

But there are guys that, you know how people smoke a joint? In Rocky the other day, I'm watching the beginning of Rocky. He goes to the corner. There's 18 guys sharing a wine bottle. And he takes the wine bottle and he takes a sip of it. I'm thinking to myself that's the flu but in those days in those days you had to do that to be part of a guy you're in a gym you're all yoked up you're five foot ten you're 240 pounds red bear shoots decker red man give me

the thing you know you just take it from him and stick it it's not my game but i could see it i get it yeah i could see it that's the That's not my game, but I could see it. I get it, yeah. I could see it. That's the bond. Me and you on the street, we're thieves. We're living in Skid Row. We're thieves, you and me. Everything we fucking take, we split down the middle. What do you think is going to happen after a year? Sex.

Well, that too. You know, that too. You're going to use me as a flashlight. Remember those fucking Clint Eastwood movies where the Indians, they would cut their hands? Yeah, they cut their hands. They put the blood together. Blood brothers. This is it, bro. I could see two guys shooting a needle. movies for the Indians they'd cut their hands together brothers this is a pro

this is I could see two guys shooting a needle me and you yeah we're in not in that world and red band will like you you know but to some guy bicep dude what's that guy that said what's do the in person my favorite impersonation you do the guy in Boston that would he give you night night time with the jab remember the guy in Boston the South he give you night-night time with the jab remember the guy in Boston in Southie this guy You know Oh Joe Lake I hear you with my left this night-night time I knew the dude in high school that was doing steroids. Yeah, he was enormous. He was so much bigger than everybody else

It was crazy. He came from another school when we were like, I think I was a I guess I was like a freshman and He was like he came in as a sophomore. He was like a year older than me. And he was giant with these crazy stretch marks. We're talking about a 16-year-old kid, 17-year-old kid. Massive stretch marks all over his chest with these watermelon tits. He just had watermelon tits a giant fucking giant arms i mean literally the guy would walk his his arms like you know guys fake that this is really how

he stood i mean just it was massively muscular and he went to a party one night in college there was these college kids and some college kids mouthed off to him he knocked out three college kids he was like a bull he would just charge at people and punch them. He was so juiced up He was always angry like everywhere you if you like looked at him like you wanted to be like real nice to him It was like being around a crazy like frothing at the mouth gorilla Then I saw him years years later like not that many years like I was like 21 So he was probably like 22. And he weighed 160 pounds.

I was like, what the fuck happened? What happened? Just got off the stuff. He just got off of it and his body became like a normal sized body. So do you lose all your fluid or you lose your muscle also? Well, he was never. He's a weird guy. Like, he didn't have big hands.

He wasn't like some Ernie Shavers dude. Like a, you know, like a or like a you know just a big like you or your big fucking thick guy he wasn't he had smaller hands it was just it was all steroids he just taken this thing and changed like the amount of muscle that his body would carry around it's just way more it was real weird i didn't know what the fuck he was doing until after i was out of high school like i had idea what was going on. I just thought he was just a big strong guy Like I wasn't in weightlifting. I didn't play football and in Taekwondo We didn't do any weightlifting like no we did like some calisthenics, but there was no weightlifting at all

So I had no idea like what the fuck was going on with this dude's body But seeing him when i was 21 and seeing him like just like this deflated person i was like this is the weirdest shit i've ever seen in my life but back then no one knew what the fuck it was we're talking about like 1988 it was when i was 21 i didn't know what that meant i didn't understand how he got smaller like it didn't make any sense to me like i didn't know anybody that was a bodybuilder or anything so it was just weird it was just weird to see him small and then as I got older and started talking to people like especially when I was working at that was working at a gold gym or Nautilus plus that's what it

was Nautilus plus in Revere and I knew this dude in there who was a he was a bodybuilder and he kind of schooled me on some of it i go because he was huge and i go do you take steroids and he goes dude fucking look at me what do you think of course i fucking take steroids he was the first guy i ever met that was like super open about it he had these like he would wear like those daisy duke shorts back then bodybuilders would wear those daisy duke shorts this kid had these fucking giant tanned legs. They were enormous. Tanned legs. He was fucking huge.

I hope that look comes back. Male Daisy Dukes. It's not even coming back for girls. It's over. Do you think there is certain clothes like that that will never come back? Bell bottoms. Bell bottoms? I could see bell bottoms coming back.

They tried. They tried, but people realized it's stupid looking. I rocked them. Yeah, you know what? It worked back when people had long collars. See, that's the difference. If you want to have those long collars that they had in the 60s, you know, like those crazy jackets that you see like Jefferson Starship in.

And then you had platforms. People were wearing platform shoes. Remember those? Yeah. So like those all worked with the bell-bottom. Right. But you get to, like, flip-flops and bell-bottoms. Flip-flops are annoying.

It gets annoying. You're stepping on your bell-bottoms. They're goofy. They get in the way. You need stilts. You know what's really sad about juicing? That people that juice for, what do you call it, aesthetics? Not because they're athletic, but aesthetics.

Yeah, for the look. It always ends up very bad. Because, and I was around it, and I grew up around it, it becomes, instead of snorting coke or drinking, they go to steroids like that. Like the other day, the wrestler was on. And there's one scene where the wrestler, yeah, and he goes to cop. Did you see when he copped? I didn't see that movie.

Okay, there's a part when he cops at the gym. You know, he's copping fucking shit that they gave Nazis. Like, you know, Decker, D-ball, this, that. And you could tell it's like 2,000 bucks. The guy goes, what do you got right now? And he goes, 500. He goes, yo, you give me the rest. It was a bag. If you know

that world, you know that for him, that's a six-week supply. That's a year supply then when he has his heart attack in the movie the doctor tells me the problem the fuck you put in your body so you fucking kidding me it's a slow death because it becomes an addiction I saw it I saw it you know from once every six weeks to four cycles a year to fuck it. I ain't getting off it. To fuck it.

I'm going to super stack. They call it stacking. And next thing you know, you're taking fucking four things. And you're not competing. You're just going to a bar on Friday nights. I never got that in my head. I never got that. And it always ends bad.

You see those guys a year later, they have a heart attack. They get deflated. Something happens and they go to prison, and then they can't do it, and they come out, and you ask them, are their tattoos all fucked up now? It always ends bad. Yeah, I knew a guy who died. Yes, it always, and people, you know, I watched that documentary, and we contacted each other about talking. The steroid one, that it doesn't harm you. And I believe that. A bigger, stronger't harm you. And I believe that. A bigger, stronger, faster?

Yeah, I believe that. But I also believe that I saw, you know, you look at these guys down the Jersey Shore. Right? You look at these guys in the Jersey Shore. They all got that little bicep. They got time to go to the gym. They do six curls. They do a fucking anavol.

They go suntan. They rub number fucking SPF number two. And that's the result you get and they do sit-ups that's exactly what they do and they do diamond push-ups and they blow up for the summer and then they like it bro i'm telling you i was part of that crew my friends i i remember the chatter driving back from the shore on sundays how they couldn't wait to get home because it was their second rest day. And today was going to be the biggest day. I'm thinking of going home, taking a shower, and going out because I'm huge. I'm huge today.

It's Sunday. It's my second off day. The anivor settles in. Because he keeps getting bigger and bigger. Yeah, on your second off day, Sunday, you're the biggest. So these guys on the way home, it's my off day. I'm going to get some pussy tonight. My veins.

Look at my bicep from just driving. Fucking hilarious. It becomes something else, man. You know what I think it's like? I think it's like alcohol. Like, you could drink alcohol. You could just have a beer at night. You could have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. Or you could be that motherfucker that just gets hammered all day

Every day and we all know that person we all met a bunch of those people Some people just get addicted to shit day drinkers. Oh, man. There's a lot of those out there Especially in the entertainment business, you know, we can do whatever the fuck you want Nobody could tell you what to do. Nobody tells you what to do. That's why you're on periscope all day fuck you want and nobody can tell you what to do nobody tells you what to do that's why you're on periscope all day it's also people that i think that that do cocaine right that that that have an addiction to cocaine drink all day because they can even their their self out supposedly some people that uh do you know i've never done it but the people that have done like a lot of it will tell you that they always want to have something to calm them down afterwards take

the edge off of it. I didn't snort in the daytime. I wasn't a fucking vampire. I snorted at night. It would fuck my whole day up if I even did a line. See, I wanted to have the Coke ready at 8 o'clock. But sometimes I got a Gavone. I'd have the 60 bucks early in the daytime, and I'd shoot over and get it back in.

What's a Gavone? A fucking slob. I'd go over there and take the 60, and then I'd have to hide it in my jacket and I'd have to sit there for four hours with this coke in my jacket calling me in the afternoon. So I would do a little bump and then get paranoid and jerk off and it would fuck up my timing at night. It would fuck up

my whole day. So I wouldn't do it in the daytime. I was always a nighttime guy. So if you did coke during the day, it would fuck up your set? Everything. It fucked up everything. The rest of my day, my timing, because my soul wasn't intact with my central nervous system. They were apart now. It's apart. When you do blow and you go on stage, that's why I never understood that concept.

It always made me laugh when people go, oh, you're funny because you do coke and go on stage. Okay. Okay, you fucking dummy. I would freeze up. I'd freeze up. I'd freeze up. I can't talk to people when I did blow. That's why I went in my fucking room and hid and fucking turned the phone off.

You think I did that because I couldn't talk to people. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Doesn't coke make you talk though? When it started. When it started, you chatty catty. You want to talk to everybody and shit. Yeah. But let me tell you something. I started doing coke like in the 80s.

And I got on stage in 91 for the first time. And in 92, I got on stage with the guys from Denver. I did a St. Paddy show. And right there was the first time I discovered cocaine on the stage. At the Boulder Broker, I did two bumps and tried to go on stage and be cute. That shit didn't work. I thought Richard Pryor did it. I thought that's what Richard Pryor did. He did coke

and went on stage. So I tried it. That didn't work. That was a kaputs. Is anybody known to do coke and go on stage? Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. I think a lot of people do coke and go on stage. And in Miami, I would do the first two shows sober. But the third show, it takes a bull.

I had that coke in my pocket for four hours. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. So you would do it but the third show, it takes a bull. I had that coke in my pocket for four hours. Enough is enough. Enough is enough. So you would do it before the third show? Yeah, because I didn't care. And how would it work? Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. Terrible. I didn't care. I didn't care. They knew I was coked up. Wow. So they knew. The people who were coked up knew

and they loved it. Oh, look at him. And I thought it was cute, too, so I went back to my room and got fucked up. But no, it doesn't never clicked to me i could get stoned as a motherfucker and go on stage red band you missed friday night i know i heard about this you heard friday night how i fucking almost had a nervous breakdown did he tell you this did he tell you i mean i was a very and i almost had a nerve remember when you and your wife were asking me questions and I was fidgety? I was having a nervous breakdown right there. You think I'm fucking with you guys, Doug.

I don't know what happened to me Friday night. I bombed so hard last week. You know, sometimes you get in a transition period and you got all these bits that aren't ready. And you bring them up and it's like you got three of them. So you bomb for two weeks. But all of a sudden, one night they all come together. Now you become a force. Now it's a different game.

I was in that process. For like two weeks, I was in limbo. I had good sets in Boston. But anything I tried out of the ordinary in Boston wasn't clicking for me. So I just stuck to the fucking original. And then I came back to the comedy store. I ate shit somewhere on Monday night. I went to the comedy store Thursday.

I opened up with that suicide joke. That didn't take me very far. And then the second time, I told the story about my friend who tried to commit suicide. She failed, and she went up to the comedy store, and she bought a gram of Coke from Chewy, and as we were doing it,

I said, you know, how did you get out of the crazy house? Didn't you try to kill yourself three days ago? And there was a big gram. It was one big line. She did the whole thing. She looked at me and she goes, I ain't crazy. They let me out. That was it. I told that story and that one got some laughs. And then I went

in the main room and I just died. I had to follow D'Elia. I just died. I just died a slow death. I was trying new stuff. I wasn't going nowhere. I wanted to talk about Trump. And I just died. So Friday I went to the store and I swear to God, guys, I didn't eat nothing all day. I was trying new stuff. I wasn't going nowhere. I wanted to talk about Trump, and I just died. So Friday, I went to the store, and I swear to God, guys, I didn't eat nothing all day. I had smoked some

pot. I worked out. I went to the Y. I did chest and the other thing. I smoked dope. Before I left the house, there was a little brownie. A 70 milligram brownie. I had like maybe 13 carbs left for the day. I was fucking starving. This milligram brownie. I had like maybe 13 carbs left for the day.

I was fucking starving. This little brownie is right there. It was a half a pack of an anarchy edible. They give you two brownies. Each brownie is 70 milligrams. That's so crazy. That's so scary. I rub my balls with 70 milligrams.

You understand me? 70 milligrams for Uncle Joey is like an appetizer. It's like an aperitif. It's not even a fucking appetizer. Explain to the rest rest of the world 70 milligrams will put you into a fucking hole Do you know I gave me 500 last night? Milligram edible chain song Down in a Hole? Oh, my God. Listen to me, Doug.

We split it at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Oh, my God. What are you trying to prove? By 7 o'clock, I was so fucked up. By 8 o'clock. And you know, usually when you eat, you tame that animal. Fuck no. This turned on me.

This edible turned on me, dog, like a savage. He beat me into submissions. At one point, I had the cheese doodles that belongs to the baby, pirate's booty. They were on the floor. They were just coming out of my face. I was just stuffing pirate's booty in my face in a pear. There was a bunch of fruit in pirate's booty. I couldn't stop. I kept eating peaches in pirate's was a bunch of fruit and pirates booty. I could stop

I kept eating peaches and pirates booty pairs pirates booty Pirates booty I must hate the whole baby my wife is like because I had my back turned to them so they couldn't see me My wife's like what the fuck are you doing in here? She goes go to bed already. I went to 845 I slept all four I got up. I didn't know where I was Like Mad Max I just laid there She woke up in the morning into a solo 430 I woke up with a ton of energy Energy I wanted to show I watched the car

ton of energy I went in the shower I washed the car I went for breakfast I went and washed the car my wife had to have a bug a tar stain so I washed the car oh my god

I was fucked up and I kept calling Lee and saying Lee if the cops call you don't answer the phone he goes why aren't the cops on the call I go I don't know

but don't answer that is so funny and you just had it happen to you again though you ate too much at the comedy school but last night no last night

I didn't have anxiety guys this is what I'm saying to you 70, though. You ate too much at the comedy store. But last night, no. Last night, I didn't have anxiety. Guys, this is what I'm saying to you. 70 milligrams ain't dick in my world, okay? So I eat the 70 milligrams. I go down Laurel Canyon. I hook the right. I go to the comedy store. I pull up.

No drama. I get in. Joe's upstairs. I don't even go upstairs because I know the room is packed. I can't go upstairs. So I'm alone at the comedy store. I go into the original room. It's packed.

I walk around a little bit. I go into the VIP patio,. I can't go upstairs. So I'm alone at the comedy store. I go into the original room. It's packed. I walk around a little bit. I go into the VIP patio, and I just sit there. Some dude's listening to music. Some black dude was smoking a joint. I mind my business. I look straight ahead. I'm thinking about more material I'm going to say, how I bombed. It's just whipping me now, right?

And I'm starting to get scared. I'm like, I really don't want to go on stage. Jeff comes over to me, and he goes, Joey, go on stage. I walk over. I walk up the stairs. It's a sold-out room. Megan Mooney? Morgan Murphy.

Morgan Murphy's up on stage. Fucking, fucking. Megan Mooney. I don't know what her fucking name is. Megan Mooney, that's her new name. She had a hat on. That's her new name. And she was killing.

Hold on, I'm texting her right now. She was fucking killing, right? She's killing Megan Mooney, whatever her fucking name is. Morgan Murphy. She had a hat on. That's her new name. And she was killing. Hold on, I'm texting her right now. She was fucking killing, right? She's killing Megan Lufman, whatever her fucking name is. Morgan Murphy. She brought the dog up. She was freaking me out. And then she's killing on stage. I walk up to the first landing, guys, and it hits me.

It's like, oh, my God, I'm getting an anxiety attack. On 70 milligrams? Not. Not. This can't be happening to me. This ain't happening. And all of a sudden, I'm standing there, and it's getting worse, guys. It's getting worse.

Now, there's one seat open at the whole comedy store, and it's Mitzi's chair. So I sit in there for about a minute. She's got the blue light on. The pressure's on. I got water in my hand. I get back up, and it's getting worse, guys. I turn around, I look down to where the payphone used to be,

and now I'm getting the anxiety I get when I'm getting a needle, which means I'm going down. So I got to look for daylight or air. I know this. I got to look for air. But I know if I go down those stairs, if she calls my name and I come back up those stairs, I'm really going to have an anxiety attack. So I go to the corner and I just start looking at the wall and I start breathing through my nose and some guy comes up to me and he's like, hey Joey, how you doing, man? What's going on?

I go, nothing. And I keep looking at the wall. He gets the hint to walk away. Then some other guy pops out and he's like, hey Joey, I'm friends with such and such. He goes, do you know where he is? I don't give a fuck. Don't you see me staring at a fucking wall? Get the fuck out of here. Jeff comes up to me and I go, Jeff, hold on one second, Jeff.

I'm going to faint. I got a really bad anxiety attack. I'm going down here. Tell Paulie to go on stage. And Jeff also wants to ask me questions. He's like, do you know if Paulie's going to go up on stage? I go, I don't give a fuck. He's the closest person to the fucking stage.

She's about to call my name. And all of a sudden he goes, well, let me go ask him. Fucking go ask him. The fuck? I'm about to fucking faint. Now you're going to do this to me? So he walks over to Paulie and he starts asking Paulie and Paulie's like, and now they're getting into a conversation about it. Instead of Paulie going, oh, he's got an anxiety attack. Let me go up there.

I'm watching this go down. I get so angered. I go, fuck it, guys. I'm going to go up there. What did Paulie say? Who the fuck knows what he said. It's fine with him, buddy. Instead of going, just I call you know reds and go up red band go up Go up red band. I got up anxiety you go. Okay, Joey, and I'll worry about you later. You okay? Yeah, just go no these guys have a conversation Bureaucracy I got so fucking angry that I go fuck you guys I'm gonna go up and I went up there Joe, and I had to settle my life off of fear.

Fear. I think I caught myself at the 14-minute mark. And I was like, oh, my. I just yelled. Did you record it? No. Why would I do something like that? You know I'm a fucking retard.

I fucking went up there and destroyed. You know you never hear me talking like this. It was all on fear. And I remember walking out of there, man. I got in that car and paulie goes man you should have anxiety attacks more often i was like man i was dying i like how you have mitzi's voice when you do the impression of paul that's the same voice you do when you do mitzi. Like all the Shores share one Joey Diaz voice.

Joey, have you ever had that where you were either too stoned or you just didn't feel good and you're about to go on stage and you almost don't think you could have done it? No, I know what you're saying. No, I've never gotten there. But I won't take that kind of edible before I go on stage. I've fucked up and gotten too high before I went on stage, but never so high where I'm like, I can't do this. I'm having an anxiety attack. But I've been higher,

and that hasn't happened to me. Sometimes it just catches you at the right time, especially if you have a rough set. If you had a rough set the night before, if you're working on some new stuff and it doesn't go over right and you can't recover, I mean, we've all been there. If you haven't been there, it's just because you haven't taken enough chances. Oh, I've been there all the time.

Everybody has. I'm there all the time. I'm in hell all the time. It's just. But it's like those moments after that are shaky. Like, you know, it's a shaky one or two days, you know, sometimes. Sometimes it's not. Like, sometimes it makes sense and there's a reason and you can just get right back into

it. But sometimes there's like a little shaky period. So the shaky period, that 70 milligrams was enough to whack you you did two 70s. No I did once once I had the other 70 was from a couple nights early just that for the fucking general public 70 will fucking send you down a tornado of despair To the bottom pits of your soul just and just to know don't try to do what he's doing Like I won't I don't fuck around man with anything more than like 30 to the bottom pits of your soul. Just to know. Don't try to do what he's doing. Like, I won't fuck around, man, with anything more than, like, 30.

Do you think that even matters what it is, though, really? Do you think it's that accurate where 70 is even ballpark 70? Or maybe he just got something that had 600 in because it was, like, the bottom of the barrel. Well, you certainly can. You know that bit I do about it, about the guys who make that stuff. But has it gotten any better? Sure, sure. Colorado, you certainly can. You know that bit I do about it, about the guys who make that stuff. But has it gotten any better? Sure, sure.

Colorado, they have it down to a science. They're doing it in Colorado the way they would make regular cookies. Like, if you buy, like, some, you know, like Nabisco, Chips Ahoy or some shit like that, they do them in, like, a factory. There's not much difference in the way they're making some of these cookies.

They're having, like, these big machines, and they have all these people working there. It's pretty fucking down to a science. They're not just throwing their own ingredients in and home cooking all this stuff. They're making a lot of money. They had this, like, one of those news report shows. I forget which one.

60 Minutes. Was it 60 Minutes? They went to Denver, and they participated. They got high. They got high. They got high on a fucking limo with these people. And they went around to all these different places and watched these people make these things. There's a revolution going on in Denver. It's so off the charts there.

It's so crazy there. You're watching this thing on television and it just starts to sink in. They're changing the whole culture around that town. The whole culture is going to slowly chill out. Their violent crime rate is so low now. Their fucking drunk driving rates are the lowest they've ever had. It's nuts. It's changing everything.

And it's only been a year or two. How many years has it been since it's been legal? What's the official? Maybe two years. Two? Has it been two, Jamie? Find out when the law went through. But in Oregon, they're going to have weed tax-free.

Oregon's taking it to a totally new level. Well, Washington just, I just read a report that Washington had, I think, $70 million their first year of tax revenue. So that seems like a lot of money just to throw away. Well, I agree with you. I think the taxes that Colorado imposes, which are really high, I think those are great. Yeah, I agree. Because it's still better than going drinking. If you go drinking, okay, if we have a few drinks, like if I go and get us around and all four of us went out drinking,

and I look at these kids' shots in a beer, that's like $100, right? All together, then you've got to tip the guy. Like $200 worth of weed? Jesus Christ. The four of us with $200 worth of weed, we'd be fucked for a month. And we could take home some. Yeah. $200.

That's a lot of weed, especially if you're buying edibles. Oh my god. You could almost die on $200 worth of weed edibles. I mean, if you ate them all. Beginning of last year. Beginning of last year. Okay. So they, 2012? Voted at the end of 2012 and

started at the beginning of 2014. Oh, I see. So there's a delay. That is one of the, I gotta be honest with you, that is one of the funnest four days you'll have as a comic

is that Denver run. Oh, Denver's amazing. Especially if you stay downtown because you eat at Sam's, that motherfucking green chili for breakfast with those two eggs and some wheat toast

and a bowl of fruit. God damn. Jesus. Oh my God. I thought you were gonna talk about the crowds. No. Oh, no, no. That's part of it. You damn. Jesus. Oh my God. I thought you were going to talk about the crowds. No. Oh, no, no. That's part of it. You got the weed store and then you got the comedy work.

I mean, it's like a three. You can't lose for three days. They got a gym. You cannot lose. It's a triple fucking header. The little weed store they got, they go out. You go on the recreational side. They have some strong stuff, but yeah, it's a great spot. It's a great little weekend.

It's one of my favorite places. It's one of the few places I would live besides here. I'll tell you what, you made me laugh because I thought about something right then. You know what pill, when I was growing up, had a lot of mistakes with them? What pill, like, if they made 100 of them, 10 of them would always be duds, quaaludes.

Really? 10 of them were always duds. Were they duds because it was corruption? No, they were duds because the guy who was making them, his floor was lopsided. You know what I'm saying? And when he put them in the oven,

who the fuck knows, Joe Rogan? I don't fucking know. He was lopsided. You know, like right now, this table feels like it's going to warp. So the chemicals go down to the end. So, like for every hundred. That's the most ridiculous idea of how they make pills ever.

So let's just say the power goes to this side. So you need 10 biscuits and nothing would happen and people would go, oh my God, I got a dud. That means the next one's going to be good. That was the philosophy around it. but there's a different philosophy to it What if Cosby gave one of those duds to one of his freaks did you see yesterday? And it was a dud he's sitting there stroking his big black dick waiting on them pills to hit her and shit That's a great bit, that's it. What do you think that like he could get laid? He could have probably almost any of the girls he wanted to drug anyways probably That's a great bit. That's it. What do you think that, like, he could get laid.

He could have probably almost any of the girls he wanted to drug anyways, probably. Why do you think he did that? It's part of his freak. It's part of his freak. I mean, we could speculate all day long, but obviously he's sick. Right. Obviously. But we kind of knew that anyway.

Not that he was sick to the extent that he is, but that he's got this creepy arrogance about him. And we played that clip once where Wanda Sykes, who's like the sweetest person in the world, was interviewing him. And the way she was talking to him, I guess he didn't like it, so he corrected her. He corrected her use of ebonics or what have you. It's like a drama queen, kind of. Just not a nice guy.

Just not a nice guy, and he was wearing sunglasses. When you're indoors and you're wearing sunglasses, unless you've got glaucoma, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? Why do you have sunglasses on? Unless you're black. You get away with it. Floyd Mayweather can wear sunglasses

whatever the fuck he wants. As far as I'm concerned, he can wear sunglasses anywhere he wants. But, you know, it's like, those, anybody who does that, like, you know what I mean? It's just weird because I can see where like a normal person would drug it

just to get laid. It just seems like, you know, you're Bill fucking Cosby. He's a creep. Did he like the girl just being passed out? Like, it's dry? He likes dry sex or something? He might like to be the god.

He might like to be totally in control of their life. He might like the idea that he tricked them. And now they have to do his bidding while they're completely unconscious. I don't know how unconscious they are. Maybe they're in, like, a halfway dreamland where he could talk to bidding while they're completely unconscious. I don't know how unconscious they are Maybe they're in like a halfway dreamland where he could talk to me They're doing stuff, you know, like lift your legs up and they'll just do it and they just don't remember it They might just be so fucked. I don't understand. I talked to you gentlemen. There's four of us in this room. We're all men here How many years have had an experience? I mean maybe fucking red band

But how many years of that experience where you brought a woman to your room and nothing happened? Look me in the eye and tell me the truth, gentlemen. It happens. Let's just, with four gentlemen here, let's be honest. We're at 80%. If you bring a woman to your hotel room eight out of ten times, you're going to fuck her, guys.

Tell me the truth. We're just guys sitting here taking a poll. It depends. Red Band, you're a nice guy. Sometimes you bring them over to get high Tell me the truth. We're just guys sitting here picking a poll. It depends. Out of ten? It's probably... Red Band, you're a nice guy. Yeah, it's probably close. Sometimes you bring them over to get high and they get naked for you and put dildos in their pussy.

I'm talking about, you know, you're a nice guy. Sometimes, you know, whatever. It depends entirely on the individual. On the intentions. When you're a guy like Bill Cosby, he's a superstar, multi, multi-millionaire. How many women are going to go to his room without sucking his dick? Let's be honest. Not a whole lot of them.

All of them are going to go into that room, whether they're married or... Half of those bitches got a different story also, okay? He drugged you because you were alone with him in a fucking room. He had plans. I'm not blaming them, but we're men here. We're men. When you go into a man's hotel room or his trailer, you know, what the fuck? So he had time to put a pill into your thing.

He's a dirty motherfucker. Let's get that out of the way because he enjoys that faint woman. That woman that's half dead. That's what he enjoys. That's his freak. Some people steal bodies from cemeteries. Some people want to get jerked off with their feet. That's his freak some people steal bodies from cemeteries some people want to get jerked off with their feet That was his freak

It was after what he was doing And he said they would jerk him off with his feet because he was scared of the Hiv So he just haven't jerk him off with his feet like their feet with their feet. Yeah, I wouldn't do that either That's just as worse Hooker feet hook a dirty feet concrete and sperm that shit don't mix but let's face it he he took those women to his room and bravo has a real interesting take on this he had a real good take on this and there was another guy that got charged for it was like silo green guy was giving girls ecstasy or something like that yes silo green was getting molly and eddie was talking

about like what it must be like to be like a really famous guy who's really rich but you're also like maybe not the most attractive guy in the world you know so like maybe some of them they want to get to know you but then when you want them to like be sexually attracted to you it doesn't happen and so if you're a creep you start drugging them and and that's what what eddie was proposing he was saying like maybe like he just got tired of them saying no, and he thought he was better than them and just dropped it in. I forget exactly Eddie's words,

but I hadn't considered it like that. I hadn't thought about it like that. Like maybe they're not all saying yes. I mean, maybe it is a weird thing with them where it got like really frustrating and then he just decided to do it. Or is it possible that maybe this was like a much more prevalent and accepted thing in the circles that he was running in in like the 1960s? Is it possible that people like you talk about people giving people a Mickey or he did a joke about Spanish fly and Spanish fly joke.

Is it possible that more people were doing this back then and we're just finding out about it now? I don't know. Cause I mean the slipping the Mickey thing was totally, I mean, and the Spanish fly thing was almost common. Like people talked about it almost like, like on the tonight show, I think Bill Cosby talked about it like,

you know, and it seemed like it was more accepted, but I'm just, was it, they weren't aware. Was it like it was more accepted, but... I'm just... Was it they weren't aware? Was it like... But I don't know anybody who got, like, in the 60s or 70s,

who got a Mickey slipped into them. It's like, why was that such a common expression? Charles Bronson never did it. James Colbert never did it. Steve McQueen never did it. Fucking Burt Reynolds never did it. Can you do me a favor, bro? Burt Reynolds. I wanted to show Joe Rogan something. Can you do me a favor? I wanted to show Joe

Rogan something. Can you get me the beginning of The Longest Yard? I want to show Joe Rogan how much times have changed. You know what? It's really dark. There's something real dark about it. You can imagine what is what's going on. What is his essence? What is his soul

when he's doing that? That's his freak. Was there a movie that made it look sexy back in the day? Like a James Bond, like, oh, I got some Spanish fly. It seems like I remember there was some kind of... No, you know what there was a movie, though? Animal House. Where he had to decide whether

or not to do the right thing or the wrong thing. Remember? The lady blacked out? Yes, with the devil on his shoulders. And the angel was saying, hey, you know, she's blacked out. The with on his shoulders yes the angel was saying hey you know she's blacked out the devil's like fuck her suck her tits fuck her and and you know he couldn't figure out what to do like you could you probably couldn't even do that movie today yeah wasn't it a racer or should not rape her but as a joke you can't i mean it's one thing if this was a you can obviously have a horrific rape scene if it's like a drama, right?

But if it's a comedy and you're joking around about rape, you can't have that. No one will accept that today. What's the last rape scene that made you uncomfortable? It was one of those police with movies. There's always rape scenes that make you uncomfortable. But what I'm saying is that you couldn't have a joke about potentially raping a girl like Animal House. You could have a you could have a horrible scene in a realistic show but where the devil's on your shoulder in a comedy going fucker fucker like whoa like that's uh i don't think you could do that today well watch this for a second

jamie did you find it's in there it's in there opening scene from the original longest yard it's and watch this you're gonna die're going to say they could not do this in a fucking movie. And to top it off, you got Leonard Skinner. This is the original Longest Yard. The original Longest Yard. The first scene in the Longest Yard

is so fucking off color that it could not be done today. We just watched it by mistake one day and we're like, oh my God, that's fucking bad. Really? I never, listen, I ran in those circles. I'm going to look you guys in the face.

I never heard of people spiking girls. That would not be acceptable where I came from. That would not be fucking acceptable. Don't get me wrong. I've gotten chicks coked up to the gills to suck my dick, but they're awake. And I had an intention, you know what I'm saying?

They felt bad the next day, but they did the blow. You do the devil, you gotta drink the cider, you know what I'm saying? If you do the devil, watch this, guys. This is just... Crank it. Stay out of it.

Don't you touch my keys. Ow! This is a terrible movie. Watch this, dog. I told you not to touch my goddamn car. You can't do that today. He's like, I got you. This is shit. This is terrible.

Dude, this is so bad. This is 1973. I can't believe how bad it is. He's just drinking in the car. That's what people did back then. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Chewing gum. Smiling.

Chewing gum while drinking. What kind of shitbox is he driving, though? That's a Maserati in 1973. That's what a Maserati looked like? That's what you just said. Don't touch my Maserati. That's a Maserati in 1973. That's what a Maserati looked like? That you just said. Don't touch my Maserati. That's hilarious. Isn't that funny? That that could be like

a cool car? And the cops are now coming after him while he's drinking. He throws it in the back seat. This is Burl Riddles and the plan of his life, guys. He's outrunning the cops with his Maserati here.

This is hilarious. They're in a go-kart race. That car is such a shitbox. Look at it. My dad had that car. Your dad had that car? I think so. I think he had the old one.

Oh, look at these giant, big, goofy American cars chasing it. These cars handle so bad. Yeah. Pretty goddamn good chasing, though. Oh, my. That's better. I don't think... This is so ridiculous.

Well-timed. Oh! Jesus Christ. Goddamn. Boom. Probably should call off the car chase, huh? Listen, guys, the car chases in those days were so tough. When you see that movie with McQueen and they're chasing him in San Francisco in that Mustang, that was so much tougher to drive that car.

Oh, yeah. That shit now, today, it's easy. This is when you had to be a fucking monster. Yeah, these cars are dog shit. Like, look how skinny his tires are. You see how skinny those tires are? There's like no traction on those fucking things. They didn't fucking know.

The mechanical grip is nothing. They didn't know. Look at this guy. Oh, my goodness. This bad motherfucker tearing shit up in this country in 73. This is before Cannibal Run, right? Yeah, this is when he was still a fucking savage. I like how the trunk magically closes again. But watch this now. He's still listening to the same song. Fuck yeah. He hit rewind and shit on the 8-track. Look at the cigarettes he smokes, too.

He ain't fucking around, guys. This was him. Again, this is a different America. This was him against Clint Eastwood, against Charles Bronson, against James Coburn. You had to do this crazy type shit, smack bitches and shit to get attention.

Look at the pants he's got on. Drive his car off into the ocean. How did you do that? type shit smack bitches and shit to get a Because he doesn't want them to catch him don't you understand Brian? But how did he put the gas back then the coast cars were dog shit? You just fucking Goes to the bar and the cops come in he's sitting there fucking hammond and then like step away from the bar and the little Guy goes. Why'd you to the car wash. He goes to the bar, and the cops come in, and he's sitting there fucking hammered. And they, like, step away from the bar, and the little guy goes, why'd you throw a whole car in the ocean? He goes, because it needed a car wash. Jamie, put on the chase scene from Bullet. I watched Bullet this year. I was up in Canada, and it was on TV.

Well, you got to sit there and go. It was so good. What the fuck were they thinking? I watched it from the beginning to the end. It was great. What the fuck were they thinking? Bullets, Steve McQueen, cop movie in San Francisco, and they have a crazy scene with a 68 Mustang

where McQueen is chasing this guy. This guy's chasing him in a Dodge Charger. Oh, it's one of the all-time great car scenes. Look at this shit. The guy's got this gigantic Dodge Charger, and he's got this dope 68 Mustang, which for cars back then handled really goddamn good. I mean, that was a lightweight car with a good amount of power, but, you know, there are drum brakes and shitty suspension. And so these guys are driving around the corners in these cars.

Is it sped up? Yeah. It was like a Biddy Hill. It is a little sped up, huh? Look at this poor bat. This is when you were a stuntman now. This guy's in the hospital. Fuck Tate.

That guy actually had to lay down. This guy got a thousand stitches and shit. That's when you fucking were a stuntman. They didn't have pads or nothing. You did it with wranglers on. How much of Steve McQueen's own driving did he do? I don't know. How much in the movie?

Because he's obviously doing some of it. He could drive his ass off. Yeah, he could drive his ass off. He used to race. Didn't he do driving did he do? I don't know. How much in the movie? Because he's obviously doing some of it. He could drive his ass off. Yeah, he could drive his ass off. He used to race. Didn't he do another movie he played? Yes. What was the name of the movie? Le Mans.

Le Mans. He played Le Mans. That's a great movie. I forgot all about that one. That's a great movie. Yeah. And it's another movie that for like 10 minutes, nobody says a word. That's the thing about this chase scene.

One of the craziest things about it is how well orchestrated it is, how cool it is. Look at that skinny ass bitch. Joe Rogan, this would not work today. People would walk out of this movie today. They have no attention span anymore. Not me, but today the attention span. For a big time movie, for sure. People are used

to these smash cuts and they're used to MTV style editing. Music videos are like the champions of like quick editing like eddie bravo again explained that to me he was talking to me about how they make music videos if you ever notice they're constantly switching angles constantly changing the way it looks he goes you don't have a static image for like 60 seconds you know like someone's standing there he goes that's really rare most of the time like especially pop songs they're constantly trying to move the image around to keep you uh interested in

it but this movie like look we're watching this guy load shells into a shotgun for like 20 seconds they set everything up in a different way at the beginning of the mechanic there's not a word for the first 14 minutes he just watches the guy and sets him up same thing you're sitting there going what's going on in here they're fucking up that dodge charger between this movie and the dukes of hazard more people fucked up dodge chargers it hurts my soul i watched the dukes of hazard and watch that fucking car make a jump and watch the frame bend and then they just drive away. And you know that the car that they jumped with is not the car they're driving with.

Well, they put a kit on it, correct? Well, you know, they just got a bunch of them, and they just broke a bunch of them. But they did have some fake ones, too, like some other cars with, like, a Charger body shell that they would sacrifice. Well, Miami Vice, all those cars are just kids Yeah, oh for those Ferrari's Don Johnson's was a kid that was a fucking testa Rosa. Was it really it was a kid It wasn't a real testa Rosa. No kidding Wow I've seen a Miata that somebody turned into a testa Rosa. No, not a Miata. I'm sorry

Fiero remember those Fiero? Pontiac Fiero? My sister had one of those. My ex-girlfriend. The trade in value on those was Ugots. When you brought those back, they were like 800 people would crack right there like a statue. I paid 8,000. Oh, shit. I forgot about that scene.

The guy loses the car and goes right into the gas station and it blows up. Oh, he almost lost it. Remember kit cars? I almost got a kit car. still have them did they i was looking in the back of uh one of those uh hot rod magazines and they had this kit car thing it was like not that much money either for the kit and you you put it together yourself and you have to i think you have to put an engine in it you have to do the whole thing but some people actually do that they actually build their own cars yeah i was my for

my first car when i was 15 that was one of my options and it was to get a army kit car where you could build your own army the jeeps yeah you get the jeeps for 250 bucks yeah and put it on a different frame or something crazy yeah it was advertised it's like back in comic books yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i think there's a car i think it's called the noble i think it's called but it's a car i think it's from england and they think it's called. But it's a car. I think it's from England. And they ship it over here. It's this beautiful, crazy-looking sports car.

They ship it over here with no engine. And you have to get an engine put in it. So it's not really a – I mean, they don't consider it a car when you buy it. And that's how they can sell it to you because it's not – it doesn't have all the – it doesn't pass all the regulations that you need. You know how to do that? Is Maserati an Italian car? Yes.

When they were shipping cars over in the 70s, they had to take the engines out and shit, so the mafia couldn't steal the cars. Really? Yeah. They also, when they sent Italian shoes over, after a while, they would just send cargos with right shoes and then cargos with left shoes,

because they wouldn't get robbed Fucking hilarious. They would rob the fucking you know, of course the fucking docks of the Italian Shoes well the docks have always been known has been like one of the places for organized crime Right on the waterfront with Marlon Brando my buddy Joe Lake that we were talking about. He was a teamster He was a longshoreman and you, you know, a longshoreman, like, that whole world has always been, like, depicted in movies as being, like, organized crime headquarters.

They meet down by the docks, you know? There's always, like, people like that, you know, that are, like, the rough, hard tumble, hard scrabble people. Gambling, loan sharks. There's everything going on. By the docks. You can buy jackets.

Yeah. Anything that comes off those... I have a friend till this day. I talked to him yesterday. He still drives cars off the ships. That's what he does for a living. Wow. So the ships come in with like Hondas and shit?

$42 an hour plus overtime since he was in high school. Oh, this is what I was going to ask you earlier, but I didn't want to interrupt your story. The reason why, do they grow heroin in other countries? I don't even know if you know the answer to this. But they grow it in other countries because they can't grow it here? Or do they grow it in other countries because it's not financially viable here? I think the poppy seed, well, listen, let me tell you something. If any drug dealer could grow poppy seeds here and eliminate the travel, they would have done it by now.

But would they have? What I'm thinking is. Anybody who could cut that cost out and eliminate that whole fucking journey every time. I think you need a lot of land. I think it's one of those things that would be really hard to do indoors. Because I think it's something that they do, like when they make heroin, you need a lot of land to make a smaller amount of heroin than you would think. Poppy seed comes from, heroin comes from the poppy plant, correct?

Yeah, mm-hmm. And I think it's high out. It's like coca leaves. Why don't they grow coca leaves here? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, that's exactly the same question I was going to ask. Why don't they grow coca leaves here? But I heard now that that's a big market now.

People are importing coca leaves. People in Beverly Hills now are having coca leaves parties with cigars. Well, you chew those coca leaves. You chew them. They're supposed to be great. And you smoke a cigar and drink wine and people get up that's the room at like 300 a leaf i don't know what the deal is i've never eaten no leaves i would the people in the high altitude peru they they have bags of these things they take with them it's really kind of freaky to watch they

pack their mouths with it and they they have like a squirrel-sized lump on the side of their face and they just chew these leaves. It's like fucking chewing tobacco, only coca leaves. Except it's actually kind of healthy for you. It's not bad for you. Well, that's before you had to get... What was I... There's a fucking new drug. Did you see this? This crocodile? Yeah, it's

been around for a while. What the fuck is this where they take a Dilata and they process it into something else? They put two drugs in this. Gasoline and red sulfur. That should tell you right there. That's not the drug for me.

Right or wrong? You put gasoline and then it eats the skin? Yeah, it's causing necrosis in some of these people. How fucking high could this get you? I think it starts out when they just have a little little bit of you know, like a bruised area or fucked up area and then they just get hooked on shooting it in and they keep shooting in that spot and it keeps

getting worse and worse and it's just not getting better and then it starts really going downhill and then they get super depressed and they keep shooting it in there. I think it's a real bad drug. Real dangerous scary drug and apparently they're doing it when they can't get heroin. That's how a lot of it got started.

We read online. But the images, if they're correct, if those are real images of people's bones poked out of their skin, that really is true. That's spooky as fuck. When your bones are exposed, you've got a problem. It's a problem. It's a real problem. I used to snort coke with a guy that while he was talking to you, he'd have to get the straw and then put like a paper clip in his nose because the skin had collapsed. So he'd have to pick the skin up, put the dollar in there, and then snort it. Oh, my God.

And this was in 85. Now he's missing his nose. Like, he ain't even breathing no more. That was in 85 the last time I snorted with that guy. And he would have to pick up the wall from his nose. Jamie, find out why they don't grow cocaine in the United States. Can you imagine that shit? Someone on the message board says it takes an acre of cocoa leaves to make a kilo.

So they need, like, slave labor to collect and process all that shit. Uh-huh. Listen. That does make some sense. Listen, brother. If they could do it here, they would have done it here trust me i'm telling you they had the financing they've had the fucking uh money right and that's something they could have hit it back then right no they can't do it there's a reason why they can't do it here it's about the altitude there's something in the soil there's some reason both of those things if not some drug dealer would have hired a chemist and said, bring it

over here. Some Chinese guy, okay, with tons of loot, would have got another genius Chinese guy 30 years ago and said, teach us how to grow this shit in Jersey. And that's it. It would have eliminated everything. But there's some reason why, you know, you just can't.

They made synthetic heroin, yeah. But you need that Chinese white shit on this coast they have the Mexican that tar That shit you just shoot and you smoke but on the east coast that's that white powder is what the suburban kids like That's what the models get hooked on because it's two bumps, and you're done You're done. It's lights out Now they're making it pure than ever it's it's you're done it's lights out and now they're making it purer than ever it's it's you know because it's coming from afghanistan it's come you know this this this next war this last war when this started after 9-11 this picked up heroin again it started coming in here again

especially the detroit area detroit is not as fucked up as it is because you know it's fucked up it's because they just threw heroin in there and they couldn't fucking handle it, man. And the same thing happened in Newark, New Jersey. It happened in a couple fucking areas that I know about because I have friends that shoot fucking heroin. And they tell you this and you're like, hmm, that's interesting that this happened after 9-11.

Wow. So. Well, I mean, the production of heroin has gone through the roof in Afghanistan. Through the roof. You know, and there's all sorts of heroin has gone through the roof in Afghanistan. Through the roof. You know, and there's all sorts of reasons why they have excuses why they let them do it. Or why it's happening or why, you know, the army helps them. So pills are at their all-time highest and heroin's at their all-time highest.

Who's doing this shit? But where are they making the pills from? Do they need actual heroin to make those pills? Do they need poppy seeds? They need something. Do they need poppies to make? Some Do they need poppy seeds? They need something. Do they need poppies to make? Some of it is probably synthetic. Yeah, it's probably all synthetic, right?

But what does that mean, though? Like, where are they getting the compounds to put it together? Like, where did it come from? I mean, they have to have, like, a raw version of something that turns into heroin, right? I mean, when you say synthetic, it's not like you press a 3D printer and heroin comes out. No, I mean— There has to be things that they—like, a lot of pharmaceuticals, we think of them as pharmaceuticals, but a lot of them, they're actually getting some of the chemicals from plants.

You know, that's one of the reasons why they mine the rainforest. They're always looking for different plants that they can exploit and they can make pharmaceutical drugs out of. It's kind of like, I remember when I was a hippie, a lot of people had synthetic peyote. drugs out of it's kind of like i remember when i was a hippie a lot of people had synthetic peyote and i don't know what that even means but i think they just took the the compounds whatever makes you know uh real peyote and just recreate it in a lab somehow you know it's like isn't it like ingredients well there was a story that i read about coca-cola because coca-cola uses real coca leaves right real coca still today still today they use real coca leaves right real coke still today still today They use real coca leaves and they don't have cocaine them anymore

What they do is they get these coca leaves and they bring them to this medical cocaine supply That's right, and they take the coke out sell that to New Jersey exact company in New Jersey, and they split into Pills and medicine you're right, So that's all coming from coca leaves, which is really crazy. Like you wouldn't have thought that. You would have thought that like synthetic cocaine or lidocaine or whatever the fuck it is that they're using, whatever versions of medical grade cocaine that they use, you would have thought somehow or another that's coming from chemicals. That's what we would think.

It's synthetic. We always like to say shit like that. But what does that mean? Like there's got to be like raw compounds that are used to make this stuff. Where are those coming from? It's coming from the origin. I think synthetic means they take some of the origin and they put other shit in it to match and they make it cheaper for you. You know, it's like when you go to the store now and you go, hi, I'm here to pick up my medication.

They go, well, we have wanted to ask you a question do you want the original oxycontin or do you want melacontin which is the same only made in switzerland but instead of 80 the prescription is 28 right so i shouldn't say synthetic heroin synthetic opiates where do synthetic opiates come from derived from opium well there's a bunch that are derived from opium wow that's a fucking nutty list morphine codeine heroin t-bane and orapavine huh i didn't know code Codeine. Heroin. Heroin and morphine. How similar are they?

It's like the same. Really? That's what I've heard. I mean, I don't use them, obviously, but I've heard. If that's true, then I've done heroin. They're cousins. They're like the gay cousin. The fucking.

I was on a morphine drip. Right. When I got my. He operated on my first time. It was amazing. Oh, my God. I kept hitting that button. You hit the button whenever you want.

This is like 1993. They didn't regulate you. So I was lying in this bed. My knee was killing me. And I hit that button. It would be like NyQuil. Like taking NyQuil. Like clip, clip.

That's probably what heroin's like. It's pretty sweet. Let's do it. So I've done it. So there you go. I've done heroin. I didn't even think I did, but then I remembered that one night that I had to stay in the hospital. And I had my ACL reconstructed.

That's why they had me there. And it was done with a patella tendon graft. That's how they did it back then. That was a good way to do it. Sometimes they still do it that way today. But they were taking a chunk of bone off my knee and a chunk of bone off my shin and a sliver of my patella tendon. And then they open you up like a fish, screw this piece of meat and use the bone piece that they cut out of the shin and the bone piece that they cut out of the kneecap. And then they reconstruct the knee and it hurts like a

motherfucker, dude. Woo. It's like, like like like lightning bolts shooting when you whenever you cut into bone and drills like it's the other one that I had Done I had done with a cadaver like way easier I mean, I mean like almost nothing like I went to you know Matt Lichtenberg I went to his birthday party five days after the operation just walked. I was fine like it You know I had a brace on it. I didn't want to hurt myself, but I didn't need crutches. I could get around. Like it's totally different than the patella tendongraph. Your leg blows up like a fucking balloon, but I'm lying in bed and they have me on this continuous motion machine. From the moment you come out of the

operating room, they put you on it. They don't, they don't want your leg to stiffen up. Cause then it's really hard to get it to get moving you get really rigid, the trauma sets in and it's really difficult to straighten your leg out. So right away they have you on this thing. It's like... So not only are you in agony, but your leg is on this continual machine. Morphine is commonly related to... Is morphine sulfate. Heroin is diacetylmorphine.

That is, heroin is simply morphine with an acetyl molecule attached. Acetyl? Acetyl. Acetyl morph molecule attached. So it's basically the same shit. Yeah, and that molecule just does it faster. Yeah, in terms of the effects, they're exactly the same. And medically interchangeable, except for the dosage.

In fact, they're both converted to the same form of morphine when they get into the body. Fascinating. Thank you, young James. It's all the same. When you had surgery or anything like that, when they give you that shit. They're giving you heroin. Isn't that amazing? They're giving you H, man.

In a different form. It's not the street level, but it's a form of what you're getting high and it's tremendous who doesn't like that high my friend's mom had uh cancer and uh you know she went through all the channels and she was on her way out and she decided to go out on her own by taking all in morphine just said look what a beautiful way to do it just do it like this just took it all know, they were giving her something for pain. And I guess, you know, she had enough to stop the ticker. And she just said, it's enough.

It's enough. She's like, I'm wasting away. She goes, there's no hope. Like, it's over. Like, her body, it was over. It was like the last few days. But that's how she decided to do it. You got to respect that, you know.

Like, the fact that that's illegal. You know, I know it would be abused. I know it could be abused by people that want to kill people. You know, oh, fact that that's illegal. You know, I know it would be abused. I know it could be abused by people that want to kill people. You know, oh, my mom wanted to go. You know, you could run into those type of people that would actually kill a family member to get some money from the will, kill a wife. You know, those kind of things. But I think that still for someone who's dying, man, for your mom or something like that, when it's the last days and you've got to watch her just in agony constantly with no light at the end of the tunnel. You know, she's 90 years old or whatever the hell she is.

Like, fuck, man. Like, you've got to have a heart, man. That shit should be legal. You should be able to do that. In some places it is, right? It's legal in Oregon. Like, there was that one girl that was trying to do that. She moved to Oregon. Did she do it? Yeah yeah she ended up delaying it a couple days and then she and she

did it yeah it's crazy shit man i think you got to be there to really make a decision on that one you know yeah they got to be there it's tough to just some people get tired of fighting you know you're tired of you get weary from the illness just draining you, and then the chemotherapy drains you sometimes even further, and it's hard, you know, the last days. What's amazing is how many people benefit from CBDs from marijuana and how few people are getting it. You know, the more I read about this and the more I talk to people that have had it

and talk to people that have loved ones that have tried it on cancer and had incredible results. And it just drives me nuts. It's just so hard to believe that that stuff still demonized, that people are still pretending that it's one of the worst things that society can make legal. Where for just, if it only did that with cancer, forget about the getting high part. If it only did that for for cancer do you know how magical that drug would be it's like it's it's got this creepy past it's like a stripper that wrote the most amazing book but nobody wants to listen to it because she used to be a stripper like it's got like marijuana has this like seedy part to it and that seedy part keeps people from recognizing the the

textile use the uses as a commodity the use for making houses the use for food Like if it was just all those things and didn't get people high it would be our all-time favorite plant It would be the number one plant in the world. We would be using it all the time They say that this hemp Crete have you ever heard of hemp Crete concrete they make with hemp It's supposed to be like well some of the most durable lightweight fire resistant Insulation, it's great insulated properties, insulation properties, and it's made out of hemp. And you can make

it cheap. You know, it doesn't cost a lot of money to grow hemp, they just can't grow it. Like, you can't even get high from this shit. I mean, it's really crazy if you stopped and thought about it. If it was a plot in a movie, if there was something that was as powerful as the marijuana plant, if it was something that had so many benefits, and it was somehow or another kept illegal, and somehow or another the propaganda kept people thinking that it would be one of the worst things for society if they were to make this legal, you would lose your fucking mind. You would go, this movie's stupid. Like, this movie's dumb.

People would riot. They wouldn't, they wouldn't, come on. You got something that cures epilepsy in kids? Little kids that have epilepsy Have you seen any different fucking kids have benefited? Johnny Rotten yeah our buddy Johnny his kid was having all sorts of seizures He moves up to Seattle gets him on the medical marijuana program boom goes away Yeah, goes away gets a hundred times better and the kids start to communicating changed his life change that kid's life fuck man

It's just weird. It's one of the weirdest parts about being alive in 2015 is that there's so many improvements going on. There's so much fascinating shit happening in our culture, and yet this one thing is like this holdout. This clawing thing that clings to the sword.

It's not that. It's the people's reaction that gets me still. Like, I'm the type of guy that, you know what, man? I didn't eat sushi until 1995, but I came around. You know, when I was in New York, fuck you and raw fish. You know what I'm saying? Raw fish. You know?

What the fuck? But then one day I came around. I never said I hated sushi. I just said it wasn't for me at the time. And then you listen to a fucking moron like Governor Christie, who just aggravates me. It aggravates me that this guy is running for president. This fucking year's president fucking list is horrible. Thank God.

I'm happy I got felonies. You're happy you can't. You don't have to vote. You're like, these motherfuckers, from the Cuban dude to Christie, we're in bad shape, though. Christie's ridiculous. We're in bad shape. He's a ridiculous person. He's a ridiculous person.

He's a ridiculous person. He's so ridiculous. Oh, my God. I can't. I'm so happy I don't live in Jersey, man. I'm so fucking happy. But you know what? He's so mocked.

I just can't imagine him ever. And he's got that whole bridge thing that's going to hold him back. He's not going to get enough. But what he will do in doing this is raise his public profile. And maybe he's pretty good at debating. He's pretty good at talking. And maybe if he has these conversations in front of America, you know, the way he's been having them in New Jersey, maybe like in a big public forum like presidential debates, it could be kind of interesting.

It could be interesting to hear him talk because as moronic as he is, he's still a very good talker. You know, I disagree with a lot of the shit that he says. But I got to respect the fact that the guy knows how to communicate. Sometimes that's all you need in this goofy-ass world. Somebody writes you a good juicy script. You have a bunch of people behind you. They give you a little makeover. They tried to do that with him.

They got him on that fucking belly band. But somehow or another, it didn't work. He's still big. He did get on that. Find out if didn't work. Like he's still big. Right. I mean, he did get on that, right? Find out if he did that. Cause that's ridiculous. This is the way I look at it. I grew up in Northern New Jersey. I grew up in politicians homes. And I know that to be a politician in New Jersey, somewhere along the line, you got to take an envelope. And when you're running for president,

it's pretty tough to take an envelope and people have to fucking raise their hand. It's like Donald Trump. When he raised his hand, I could not believe it. Yeah. Just on what he did in New York in the 80s. You know, if that guy even moves...

What did he do in New York? In New York in the 80s, when he was building all those things... Hold on a second. When we the rants start going don't pull it up when he when when in the 80s when he was doing all that developing okay he shut up like rogan construction okay rogan construction was started by you i'm just making a name right okay okay he's you know rogan construction was a company started by your grandpa in Newark and his two brothers. And then he hired their sons. And now they have 12 full-time employees.

And they've been putzing along since 1948 doing new construction and houses and remodels. But whatever. They're keeping their lights on. Right. And all of a sudden a GC comes comes in was a general contractor on this job Who's somebody like fucking Trump and he hires people like Rogan construction and? Search electric and who got fucking plumbing and who got sucked my dick concrete You know whatever the fuck the name of the company is

Somebody make a t-shirt quickly and they they would stiff him. And all these companies went out of business. All that construction he did in New York and New Jersey in the 80s was very suspect. Number two, before he raised his hand, I hope, I hope that he's this intelligent. Let me get that water, my brother.

I'm sorry to fuck up your little... I hope that he called a congressman or a governor or somebody in Colorado. And he said, how buried is Sammy the Bull Gravano? Can he get to TMZ? Can he get to a phone? Because all those deals he had going on in the 80s, he was in bed with the mafia. It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that.

Okay, a dumpster, the one that Johnny Reed fell in when he tried to commit suicide, you know those dumpsters you guys see? Yeah, yeah. A square dumpster? Mm-hmm. To get one in Colorado in 1987 was $200 for the day. You know what that same dumpster was in New York in 1987? $2,200.

That's how high the construction costs were. Some of it were the mafia tax. Well, there was a lot of organized crime. Tons of organized crime. So somewhere along the line, this Trump was in bed with organized crime. Had to be. Had to be. The Trump Plaza, Atlantic City, just

look at the locations. I never thought of this. I always thought of this. I always knew this idiot did not, could not raise his fucking hand. And if anybody is smart, go to the Sammy the Bull book. He talks about it not so many ways. Really? So I guarantee the feds have their files.

And as soon as this guy moves up a little bit, they're going to go, Take a look at this. This is what Sammy the Bull told us. How can we take care of this? A donation to the fucking Abafangool company of fucking blind kids. Whatever the fuck it takes. Because this guy was the major contractor in New York in the 80s. All these small businesses.

He put their lights out. You know how I know? I'll tell you how I know for a fact. When I got locked up, one of the conditions of me getting out was I had to get a job. To alleviate the state of Colorado, my attorney came up with this paperwork. Listen, if you let him out, he'll leave. Not next week. Not tomorrow.

We got a plane for him. As soon as he gets out of your fucking jail, we'll take him out of New Jersey. We'll get him back to New Jersey. But to do all this, I had to have a promise of employment. them out of New Jersey. We'll get them back to New Jersey. But to do all this, I had to have a promise of employment. And I called around New Jersey and my friend's uncle had a window door trim sash company, you know, all this shit for your door. That's a sash on the bottom, by the way, and trim around your door and the door and, and shades. And they sold all that stuff. And they had like an 11 man crew, six guys on phones so he goes if you

want to go he made me send me the resume to the guy's uncle and i called him we spoke on the phone and in fact i wrote the guy while i was in prison back and forth because he would tell me keep your head up you got a job when you get out don't be down on yourself when i got out of into the halfway house i called him and i said hey man i to sit in the halfway house for 90 days. But I'll be in Jersey by June. He goes, I don't think I can hire you. We were working on this construction company. And we got stiffed.

It was that fucking guy, Trump. Stiffed us. So we lost everything. We had the investment. You know, these were high rises. You had to pay for all those windows. And he's going to pay you. You know, they might have got a deposit or something from the GC

But not enough they got stiff, and then you go to court just put them under yeah But he would go under like he would go to he was the top builder And he would go to Joe Rogan construction, and he would put it all under your name, so you went down to So he did all this he ruined fucking family businesses and all of a sudden he has this short memory You know when you run for president president they look at you with a fucking uh microscope microscope and you know why i don't know what happened with the birth certificate obama's birth certificate i never paid attention but this is something was born in kenya this is something you cannot overlook with this guy this guy's a prick he doesn't know anything about the fucking country anyway this

well he was he was one of the guys that was going on and on about Obama's birth certificate. He was like one of the main guys. Like, first of all, I don't, just look at them as human beings. Like when you hear them talk and you kind of like what they stand for. He's my favorite president ever. Who? Obama. Better than Clinton?

Yeah. he's my favorite president ever who obama better than clinton yeah i think clinton you know clinton had a lot of flavor and he did some good stuff too but i think obama has been the most maybe it's just the times that we're in he's the most the most noticeable when it comes to like spreading this like what i think is like an improvement in the way people think you know first of all by being black second of all By a support of gay rights really like blatant support like where they turn the fucking White House rainbow when it got passed I mean, that's crazy shit, man That's never existed before when you see when you saw that picture of the White House being rainbow colored at night

I was like this is nuts man. That wouldn't happen with Nixon. This is some shit That's similar to the fucking abolition of slavery it's similar I mean it's not as extreme a slavery it's not as extreme a trap that's so amazing I mean but it's similar in the way that it's gonna change the way people look at gay people it's gonna it might not be now it might not be the generation of our parents it might not be the generation of our parents. It might not be the generation of our older brothers and sisters, but it's going to be the generation of our kids. The generation

of our kids is going to understand that gay people, it's just like being mad at people for having red hair. It's just who they are. Like, what do you give a fuck? And if you give a fuck about that, what else are you going to come creeping around about? What are you going to fuck with people about? What is it? Are you going to fuck with people about the way their dress you're gonna fuck with people about the way they talk like what? Is it like leave people the fuck alone and the more we do that the more we can sort it all out and find out

What is really bothering us? What's really bothering people with a lot of what's bothering people's people intruding on other people's lives and it doesn't get any more people intruding on other people's lives. And it doesn't get any more inclusive than in the fucking bedroom. You're intruding on people's bedrooms? You care if people want to get married, if they love each other just because they're two guys or two girls? Who gives a fuck? And if you do give a fuck, you're a problem.

You're a problem in this free world. And this is just one thing that you ideologically attached yourself to. And it might be religious based. Who knows what the fuck other shit you got going on in your head you don't want people to do. Who knows what other weird kind of Sharia law shit you want to incorporate into society. Who knows? I don't know. You think people shouldn't be able to get married just because they're two men or two women?

That's intolerable in 2015. That's archaic shit. And I think that is one of the archaic things that's going to slowly but surely start vanishing from our world. It's not, maybe not now. There's still a lot of homophobia now. But, you know, there's this woman from Brazil who did an interview. I think it was Jessica Andrade, MMA fighter. And she was talking about how many people in Brazil are homophobic in comparison to the United States.

And she's like, it's really nice to see the United States doing this, and hopefully more people in Brazil will think this way too. And you realize that in a lot of Latin American countries especially, like you were talking about Cuba. You were talking to me the other night about Cuba. Russia. Cuba. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Russia, they pass laws. They pass laws against gay people in Russia. You were talking to me the other night about Cuba Russia Cuba Oh yeah yeah yeah You know Russia they pass laws They pass laws against gay people in Russia Listen man this is Something completely new to some people It doesn't affect me So it doesn't bother me You know like I said in my joke on stage

I live next to two transgenders across the street The gay girl with the dog I talk to them every day I goof on them I goof on fucking Big Mike and Leslie you know I love them I don't give a fuck

you know but there's some people who are still living in the 1970s man yeah and those people are stuck in their own fucking lives

so I just keep walking yeah you just keep walking what are you gonna do and every day they watch the longest yard long for the days when you can smash

a chick's face against the wall. I was explaining to you the other day that the most foremost community in Cuba is the gay community. I grew up with gay Cubans around me. My mom owned the fucking bar. Who do you think fucking keeps the lights on? White dudes in the daytime, those gay fucks that come in and spend it. And in those days, they were doing blow, they were selling blow, and I grew up around them.

I never had any hatred or anything for them. But my stepfather, he's from the other side of Cuba, where they can't be in a room with a gay guy. No hatred, no whatever, but they just can't be in a room. Their manhood cannot be in a room with a gay guy. And I get it.

Some Latin American countries, it's just, but who are the biggest gay guys in the world? Fucking Latins. They're the best ones. So what do you think that is? Do you think it's like there's shame? It's a machismo thing. What is it like in Sicily on that island? What would it be like in 1950 to be gay in Sicily?

They'd bang each other a lot. I don't think so. I don't fucking think so. Well, that's where the Catholics are but I think that you'd be right I think that you would be fucking totally against it right I think northern Italy those hard-headed motherfuckers You can't tell those motherfuckers your fin up or whatever the fuck they call them, right? But that's also where the Vatican is right like how ironic is that that doesn't make any sense because that is the biggest gay sex Like, how ironic is that?

That doesn't make any sense, because that is the biggest gay sex organization in the world. But they don't want to know that. Nobody wants to know that. It's not gay sex, pedophilia. Right. Okay, the biggest pedophilia. Nobody wants to know that. Do the priests fuck each other, or do they only fuck kids? How does that work?

Who knows? You've got to bring me down with that talk now and shit, but, you know. Listen, just curious. I didn't, you know, I just know how it was when I was growing up. Did you know the Vatican owned a gay bathhouse? No. The building the Vatican owned was home to the biggest gay bathhouse in Italy. That's craziness.

Yeah. We should go. Go and bring some synthetic heroin. Yeah, I'll pull up the story because it's fucking ridiculous. Jamie, pull that shit up. Put it up on the big screen. It's ridiculous. I mean, they're so blatant.

They've been doing this for so long. You know, like this gigantic, crazy cult that's running the Catholic Empire. They've been in charge for so long, wearing wizard costumes and sitting on thrones. And people, so many people have bought into it. Look at this. The Vatican pays a landlord to europe's biggest gay bathhouse and by the way i say this i went to catholic school i'm allowed to say this shit um church pays landlord to they play landlord to europe's biggest gay bathhouse the church paid 3030 million to acquire a building that houses a senior cardinal and a huge gay sauna.

Wait a fucking minute. A senior cardinal and a huge gay sauna. That's it. That's his own private gay bathhouse. The guy owns a bathhouse. They paid $30 million. First of all, how crazy is it that the Vatican has $30 million to buy houses with? They have so much money.

Look at that. The 75-year-old prince of the church enjoys a 12-room apartment on the first floor of the imposing palazzo. At two via Caducci, just yards from the ground floor entrance to the steamy flesh pot. He's above it, smelling it. There are 18 other Vatican apartments in the block, many of which house priests. Cardinal Diaz, who is seen as a social conservative, even by current

standards of the church hierarchy, is no doubt horrified to learn of the activities taking place a floor below. My goodness. I could not imagine. This apartment mildly smells like buttholes. Mildly? It's probably a tornado. You know what it's probably like, man? I could not imagine. His apartment mildly smells like buttholes. Mildly?

It's probably a tornado. You know what it's probably like, man? One of those fucking trees that you hang over your rear view. That's like his house butt in his house. A weekly band night featuring Bruno, a hairy, overweight pastor of souls who dresses in Catholic vestments naturally, is free to the music of his clergyman remaining in a thong. Because I got to do that. I'm going to be the new Bruno. Fuck it.

I'm going to sling some dick with a fucking priest. Because he wants to expose body and soul, according to The Independent. Bear Night also features a buffet. Because exposing one's body and soul works up an appetite. This is a hilarious article. This is in Salon, this article. Who wrote this article? It's very funny. You know, Joe Rogan, you read this. Katie McDon appetite. This is hilarious. This is in Salon, this article. Who wrote this article? It's very funny. You know, Joe Rogan, you read

this. Katie McDonough. You read this after you go to Catholic school when you're raised Catholic. It's fucking mind-boggling. It's fucking mind-boggling. It's just like firecrackers went off in your head. For some people, it's like how they found out when Cosby was doping bitches. It was mind-boggling

for them. They grew up on Cosby. Look at this fucking Jared guy. Look at this fucking Jared guy. Look at the kids' porno pictures. The FBI. I hope this isn't true. They arrested one guy that was in the organization, right?

Did they just investigate Jared, or did they have a suspicion? He's a business partner. His house is being investigated, and they just announced that he's separated his business ties with Subway right now. He's got one of those little... Whoa, wait. I didn't hear about this. What happened to the Subway guy?

Child porn investigation. I knew it. Yeah, man. What the hell? Losing weight on... These people all got a creepy fucking freak. And it comes out eventually, man. Just let it out before it fucking gets out just let it out

I love little boys and fucking bikinis You know either subway sandwich. Oh my god. I sit there So do you think that like maybe he sent shit to Jared and Jared kept his mouth shut? Do you think Jared was sending shit back? What do we TMZ? What are we doing here? What the fuck happened to this show? How embarrassing is that? No, we're talking about things that you had.

It makes me furious. That if you didn't have a life, if you didn't have a life, you want to yell. You know, when I first started hearing this shit about the Catholic Church, I ignored it. I was like, this is crazy. I mean, I was a fucking, I was one of those kids. One of those kids that fucking helped a priest, you know, for about six months. I did that shit until I got thrown out of there. You know, I believed. You know, I got to tell you, man, like when I get dark thoughts sometimes,

I'm about to go to sleep, I just get dark fucking thoughts. And just, you know, just from being around Buddhists in Boulder, I learned that they chant a lot. And in other words, a chant is not any different than a prayer you know so sometimes when i got a bad thought i'll say a lord's prayer man i'm old school you know what i'm saying so when i hear this it just does something to you it's just like but it's for some people it's like getting punched in the stomach you trusted somebody it's like having a babysitter molest your kid you're numb for a week man you're

really you can't but this is our whole fucking society every three days we get dropped with something that we go what the fuck how did this happen how did this fucking happen yeah when things like this happen you always gotta wonder like what set something like that off in someone's brain are they born with that does it happen because someone does it to them does is it a chemical imbalance like what the fuck is it that makes someone sexually attracted to kids what a bizarre thing to exist in nature you know the i mean it's almost like a suicide gene it's almost like like you like in having that like your body is so weak your mind is so weak everything is so off kilter you're trying to get yourself killed and there's no better way to get

yourself killed than fucking someone's kids like do you know any people like you remember that video where the guy's walking through the airport and uh he had molested he was a karate instructor and he had molested some kids and this guy's uh one of the kids' dads waited for him in the airport. And as he walked by with the cops, walks up to his head, boom, blows his brains out, just drops the gun on the ground. That guy got off, by the way. Did he? Yeah, he got off. You got to get off.

That's a great defense. You lost your mind. They abused your child. Yeah, he got off. Yeah, he didn't do any time. He shot that guy right in the fucking head in front of cops and then dropped the gun. What state was that? I don't remember.

I want to say it was in New York. I want to say it was in New York. I forget. It might not have been, though. It might have been somewhere else. There's some things that if you get there before the cops, you win. Yeah. That should be it.

If you get there before the cops, you fucking win, man. This guy shot them in front of the cops. Yeah, I lost my mind. Temporarily insanity. Temporarily insanity. And the cops are like fucking handc lost my mind. Temporarily insanity. Temporarily insanity. And the cops are like fucking handcuffing him going, that a boy. Yeah, this is it right here.

Father shoots son. Father shoots and kills son's kidnapper in airport for revenge. Wait, they're going to show him shoot? Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Is it gross? No.

No. He just couldn't take it, man. He got this guy away. Look at this. Yeah. Is it gross? No. No. He just couldn't take it, man. He got this guy away. Look at this. Boom. And then he puts the gun away. And then he had a crazy hat on. The cops hold him down.

Oh, that's great. That was his son, man. That's so good. I mean, it is, right? It's fucked up, but it is. I mean, I'm not usually for this kind of shit but boom i mean that is about as i mean as far as like what's fair i'm for it yeah i'm not against that you know you've been my friend for a long time i have a horrible

horrible revenge gene it's in my blood. No, you do. When they went down to Cuba and they tell the fucking Maya Lansky that, they tell the Jew that fucking they saw rebels. What does he say? He goes, these motherfuckers have been savages all their lives. Yeah. They've been savages.

They've always been savages. Dog, I have a revenge gene in me and it's horrible and no cop would stop me you're crazy I would I would hit somebody with a car and go to the same jail I'm one of those motherfuckers like once I have it in my mind you're done it's in my blood that's my whole life and movies outlaw Josie Wales death wish man on! And man on fire, I'll tell you how bad he is, which I missed that scene until a month ago. He talks that dude into shooting himself. There's only two motherfuckers in the movies that have done that. What's his name?

And my boy in Silence of the Lambs. He talked the motherfucker into hanging himself from the other cell. That's right. Remember? Megs. Megs. He talked Megs into fucking swallowing his own fucking tongue. Megs was he talked to me isn't to fucking swallow his own fucking tongue Miggs was the guy who should throw jizz on people's face

yeah my friend John Tobin used to call me Miggs high plains drifter was that was painted town red. That was the one where they killed him and he came back. And he came back and he put the shield on. Yeah. It's a crazy movie, man. And they kept shooting the body and he kept going down. They thought he was a ghost. Well, he was a ghost.

They beat a guy to death with a whip. And then he came back as Clint Eastwood. He came back a ghost and fucked that town up. It was a great movie. That was a great movie at the time. I remember seeing, the first time I saw High Plains Drifter, I was like, holy shit. Yeah, I was going to blow. Dog, you had to throw.

That's what I'm talking about. When you see the machismo in Burt Reynolds, it's because that motherfucker just watched Bullet. And he goes, wait a second. Yeah. I got to outdo that motherfucker. Yep. I got to put on this corduroy suit.

And then Charles Bronson came along and he's got to outdo everybody because he's ugly. You know, look at him. Look at him.

He was the baddest motherfucker ever. If I'm going to watch a movie from that era and like if I come home, like say if I go to a hotel room, hey, you know,

you're bored. You're like, what's on TV? And you turn it on and you get this, you get excited. You go, oh shit. You know, you thought you. You're like, what's on TV? And you turn it on, and you get this. You get excited. You go, oh, shit. You know, you thought you were just going to be by yourself watching some terrible movie,

and it turns out High Plains Drifter's on HBO or something. Like, fuck. They don't even really show these on HBO, do they? No, they can't. They can't. Why? Why can't they? They have to show new shit all the time, right?

No, there's a channel. About a month ago, they showed not High Plains Drifter, but the other one. But you want it with no commercials, man. Yeah, that's the way you want it. You don't want these fucking things on regular TV.

I can't watch these movies, Joe Rogan. Why? Because it makes me fucking crazy. These movies remind you why you're an American, bro. These movies are like...

That's why they made them in Italy. What were we talking about when we came in? It's time to put a strap of gun on. We're living in some fucked up times. You really... You're anxious about this lately.

I got a wife and a kid that I worry about, and I don't know what I'd do. I'd shoot the whole... I'd be John Wick. I told you, I gotta get one of those John Wick guns. I'll tell you, that John Wick, the first 20 minutes, until he hooks up with the chick.

Once he hooks up with the chicks chicks it bothers me for a while. But then you click it on with 45 minutes left. That is one of the best kick ass scenes since Bruce Lee and Enter the Dragon. You better check your watches. That's 30 fucking years. He cleans out. He's using bullets as strikes.

And he's shooting them up close and blowing their fucking heads off. It's a badass movie. And when you see that movie, you know, he trained with Hegan a lot. Yeah. Hegan fucking fucked them up. I'm anxious to go see him tomorrow. To go see Hegan?

Yeah, like on the way home I'll call. Yeah? My brother, you going to teach tomorrow? I'll be there 11 o'clock. That's it. That's all we say to each other. I'll see you 11 o'clock. And now he comes with an Indian dude

That heals your body guy lays you down all by energy guy looks at you and goes your shoulder bother you like god damn How do you know every week is like a game of chess with them really he lays you down? He does this Cherokee shit. Oh that kind of Indian. Yeah, he bends you over he picks up the army Does the Cherokee thing on your spine? He releases the eagle? He picks up the arm. He does the Cherokee thing on your spine. He releases the eagle. Googly moogly. You got to see me from your butt.

You got to see me doing 90 up Laurel Canyon after the eagle is loose. Really? Yeah, yeah. He shows up with an Indian. He fucking works on my body. Do you use feathers or anything? There's turquoise in your ass? Nothing. Nothing.

The guy's an old rodeo clown, dog. He broke every bone in his body. Oh, my God. So this guy adjusted everything. And he was like, dog, I know. Last week, some dude went in there with a fucked up hip. The guy was there this weekend doing fucking sidekicks. A rodeo clown.

Jesus Christ. Is that, like, the most thankless job? It might be one of the most thankless jobs ever. Nobody gives a... There's not one Lance Armstrong or the rodeo clowns. You know what I mean? There's, like, a Ken Block, who, who's like a famous driver, right? There's like skateboarders, Tony Hawk.

You know, there's one guy in each discipline. Tiger Woods. You know what I mean? Everybody knows Tiger Woods is a golfer. Who's the one rodeo clown? Name one. They get no respect. There's probably one person that we just don't know.

It's like a Mexican superhero or something like that. They don't really use rodeo clowns. They have, I mean, in bullfighting i mean that this the like bull riding i'm pretty sure is an american tradition is it i think so i think uh in mexico obviously they have a lot of bullfighting and in spain spain they have a lot of bullfighting i guess that's where they got it from right they imported it from spain i'm hoping. Because that's what Mexico is. It's like the indigenous Americans that came over when the Spanish came over, they taught them Spanish and started fucking them.

And that's what made Mexican. That's why you get Mexicans like Oscar de la Hoya, who's like this beautiful-looking, European-looking man, kind of fairly pale skin. And then you get a Mexican, like, you know, Juan Manuel Marquez, who's, like, much more Mexican-looking. Inca-ish.

Inca, yeah. A lot of, like, the darker skin and, like, the, you know, darker hair. It's interesting, man. This is, uh, the whole North American continent is fucking fascinating. It's fascinating to think that if you came to this spot 400 years ago, there'd be very few people here.

Very, very, very few. A few nomadic tribes of Native Americans. No cities. No nothing. Oh, you think how interesting is this? There was a Diaz on the boat with Columbus and a Valdez. Really? Yeah, that's a Diaz on the boat with Columbus.

That's where all the Diazes come from? I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Jump on the boat. That's where all the Diaz's come from? I didn't say that. I didn't say that. Jumping the exclusion. Is that your dad? And they spell it with a Z. And then one of the biggest lieutenants in Sicilian history is a Diaz with a C. And then we just saw that priest with an S.

A Diaz with a C? A Z. A Z. A Z. And then you have the fucking lunatics up in Stockton, and they're Mexican. Right. And I'm sitting here in front of you, and I'm Cuban as can be. Right.

That makes you think. Like Diaz there, Diaz there, and Diaz as a lieutenant, and Diaz was on the ship as an Italian. Italian Diaz. Italian Diaz and Italian Valdez with a Z. My mother's side of the family is Valdez, and they're darker than debt. And my father's side is Diaz, and they're from Camagüey, and they came from Spain. They speak with that thing. They speak like Jaguars, like those people.

So you have to think, how did Diaz get to Mexico? How did this Diaz get here? And how did Diaz with a Z, Diaz with an S? These are all very interesting things that I look at. You look at evolution. We were talking about how they found that fucking toot of the whale in Wyoming. Remember years ago we had that discussion on the podcast. This is things that have always baffled me.

Like how come there's Nate Diaz and his brother. They're Mexicans as it could be. Not Inca Mexicans though. Right. They're the other Mexicans. Right. They came from somewhere else and evolved, whatever. So it's very interesting.

You know what's interesting to me? One of the things that's been getting me lately is this water situation in California. It's pretty bad. It's three years going on four years now. And the drought is pretty ferocious. Like they're saying that California used 29% less water last month. So people are working to try to solve it. But what was occurring to me when I was thinking about this is we know for a fact that there's areas of the world that used to be lush and then they became desert.

Like that's a, we know for a fact about the Nile Valley, like in Egypt where the pyramids used to be, where the pyramids are rather. Before that, like 9,000 years ago, they know there was like, it was a rainforest there. And slowly over time, shit just changed and then there's not that much rainfall. And that could easily happen in California. But would we stay? Would everybody stay here? Would they just keep pumping water artificially into the spot? Or would people go, you know what?

This ain't working. This ain't working. We don't have any fucking, we got to move on. Like, we've always had to, all throughout human history. Whenever the climate got bad, people had to get the fuck out of there. When the Ice Age was happening here, no one was living in Canada. No one was living in Canada during the Ice Age. Because it was two miles thick of ice in a lot of spots.

You weren't living on ice. You would find a way to get to a place where it's not ice. But all the places that were covered in ice, it was a massive amount of Canada. So when all that ice receded, that's where we got the Great Lakes from. The Great Lakes are fucking puddles that are melted glaciers. I mean, that's how fucking crazy this place was just 10,000 years ago. If we had a house and it was there, you can't be stubborn when the ice starts coming. You can't say, we're just going to keep chipping away at that ice every year. Like at a certain point in time, you got to realize, okay, there's

two miles of ice and it's as big as fucking Canada or half of Canada or even a few states. Where those few states are, you can't live. You got to get out of there. You got to get out of there. And if that happens here, we're so arrogant. Our idea that we can control nature is so arrogant. No one considers leaving California. Like everybody talks about like, well, California is California.

We got to do something about the California water crisis. What if it never rains again? Because guess what? That could happen. If it doesn't rain but once or twice a year, or ten times a year, or twenty times a year, there have been way crazier things than a shift in our climate to

the point where it rains zero. That's totally possible. It's totally possible. If it's possible to rain it's totally possible if it's possible to rain one day a year it's possible to rain zero if it's possible to rain 10 it's possible to rain one it's it could be horrific disastrous it's totally possible and it would be normal it would be something that's happened all throughout the world they know that like a lot of deserts used to be like lush areas and then somehow somehow or another, like for whatever reason, things changed. Things shifted.

And you can blame people all you want. I'm sure we have a lot to do with it. I'm sure global warming, that there's without a doubt as some element of human civilization is a part of it. There's too many scientists that believe it does. There's got to be some factor. But even without that factor, it's super possible that shit would change on its own. It shifts.

We don't control when it rains. It can fucking shift. It easily can shift. And if you're in a spot that sucks, you've got to make a decision. You've got to figure out what the fuck you're going to do. It rains more in Phoenix than it rains here. It rains in Phoenix a lot, actually. I didn't know that. In Ohio and in Houston, look at Galveston.

It's raining so much that there's shit water everywhere, and people are losing their sight because it's overfilled all the sewage and stuff. What? They're losing their sight? Yeah, this girl lost her sight just from being in the water because they tested the water. It's all shit water. It's in Galveston in Houston. They've had such bad

flooding in the past month. It's been horrible. Horrible. I saw some of the photos. I remember that back when we worked at the Laugh Stop. When I was there, they were thinking about that Sunday floods. That was two months ago. No, no, no. The Laugh Stop in Houston way back in the day.

Yeah, Westheimer. Do you remember when they had to close that hotel we used to stay at? Fuck yeah. They flooded that thing. It was flooded up to the third floor. That was the time I was there. I'm sorry. The comedy club was on West Gray. I saw a refrigerator going down West.

It's time. Fecal Matter Water Advisories. Oh, my God. Hold on. Let me read that whole thing. Fecal matter water advisories issued for some Galveston County beaches. Fucking A, man. Shit in the water.

Did a girl really go blind, though? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. That's insane. Damn. The fucking subway already cut ties with Jared. Nothing came up.

At least the UFC waited three days and shit with Jon Jones. They went down there. These motherfuckers, they think Dana's tough. Fucking Subway don't play. They don't even give a fuck whether he's guilty or not. Even if Jared didn't do anything but knew about it, if he knew the dude had child porn, he's still responsible. What are you holding up?

What does it say? This is the article. A woman loses sight in one eye after a mud run. A young woman went blind in one eye within 24 hours after catching a flesh-eating bacteria during a mud run in Dallas this month because of all the flooding. Oh, God. How do you lose your eye? Flesh-eating bacteria in your eye.

It says a woman said the debris cut her eye allowing flesh eating bacteria to destroy her cornea It just completely melted off my eye. Oh my god fuck That's fucked up. Do we just shit into the ocean? How does that work? Oh shit more than a thousand runners get diarrhea after mud day event work. Oh, shit. More than a thousand runners get diarrhea after mud day event. Oh, look at that. Of course. Well, you're definitely

getting some bacteria if you get a mouthful of mud. That's 100%. You're not supposed to do that, by the way. You're not supposed to drink still water. You know, you're lucky if that's all you get. You know, you can get something way worse than that. That's Gentile shit, jumping in a fucking puddle of mud. Stay home. Fuck your wife in the ass.

You're gonna jump in fucking mud like a jerk off. At least the polar bears jump in the ocean. They jump in the fucking puddle of mud. Stay home. Fuck your wife in the ass. You're going to jump in fucking mud like a jerk off. At least the polar bears jump in the ocean. They jump into fucking cold water. Ain't nothing bad going to happen to you. You want to jump in mud after you've fucking been running, snowing, whatever the fuck it's been for a month. God knows it's in that fucking mud. I used to think those polar bear people were idiots.

Those people that would jump into the water. Until you went into that freezer. Yeah. And then you said, God, they're onto something, isn't it? When you jump in the ocean, man, and it's cold, it does something to you. Especially when it hits like your bones for a minute. When you come out of there, you

feel like a fucking new man. I've jumped into the fucking Atlantic. Is that where we're at? Which one's colder? Here. Here's colder. Oh my God, when I used to jump into water in Oregon and Seattle, that's fucking penguin weather. That's freezing. That's when I used to jump in on board in Oregon in Seattle. That's fucking weather That's freezing. That's when you feel the bones in your feet and shit, but it's probably really good for you Yeah, it is because this cryotherapy shit this stuff is changing my fucking body. It's changing the way my body feels

It's amazing how well it like cures any weird shit. That's bugging you Inflammation back inflammation, back pains. Like back pains have been fucking with me forever. They're just dissolving. You just do it all the time. Your body produces all these anti-inflammation responses to the cold weather. So that's probably what they were doing when they were jumping in the ocean.

You get out of it and your body's like, whoo! You just get this fucking charge of blood. Your dick shrinks and it gets hard real fast and shit. It shrinks when it pops out of that motherfucker like yum yum juice is being served and shit. I'll never forget you saying, any of your ex-girlfriends kill themselves? No. They should have.

Oh, if you sucked my dick in the 80s, you should have killed yourself. There's a girl on Facebook that I saw one night. The last time I saw this chick was the night Flutie. Doug Flutie? Threw that touchdown. Oh. This is winter of 83, 84 maybe. And I saw her at a bar, dog.

And they called her Lori the Jack. Remember that song, The Jack? No. The Jack by ACDC. She's got the jack. She's got the jack She has something like a disease this shit didn't have the jack. She just didn't have the wet pussy So they cause him wet no they called a Fairview, New Jersey because it was a dry hump These motherfuckers are so a savage. They will give you nicknames for everything in Jersey, you know And I saw her out man. I don't know what the fuck happened.

We started doing blow. She was a babysitter for this family, Louis Donato. The guy was a freak. We went over to their house, and I saw a deposit bag from the bar, and I robbed it, and we got more blow. Wow. We ended up in a hotel room doing power, and she's like, guess what color my underwear? I'll never forget that. She's like, guess the color of my underwear.

I'll take them off. I'm like, red. She's like, they're green my underwear. I'll never forget that. She's like, guess the color of my underwear. I'll take them off. I'm like, red. She's like, they're green, but fucking take them off. And I saw her on Facebook, and I'm like, do you remember what happened that night? She's like, no. I go, you don't want to fucking know. You wouldn't be here right now. You'd be fucking killing yourself.

Oh, that's hilarious. Disgusting. All that shit's disgusting. Disgusting. All that shit's disgusting. Disgusting. You know, with all this transgender talk, I was telling these motherfuckers on stage the night that chick showed us a pussy in Las Vegas that was a transgender. Do you remember what you called it? What did I call it?

You said it looked like a bat with its mouth open. It did. I never forgot that explanation. The skin was tight, and it looked like somebody put a boar in it, where the dick hole was, and cleaned it out. Do you remember when Doug and I were doing the man show, and we had that really beautiful, we had two of them that were really beautiful, that were transgender. Remember? The one of them that was pre-op, she uh she showed his dick to the or her dick rather to the audience she showed his dick that's what i just said but it's hard to say her dick

you know what i'm saying like i was treating her correctly by calling her a she then i got to the dick i'm like she she showed his dick but um she was beautiful so beautiful that she was walking up the hill or driving up the hill you know by the we used to be the Hyatt next To the comedy story right she was driving up that hill and Eddie Bravo, and I were coming down the hill We were walking and she was coming up and Eddie looked at it. He goes god damn like and I go oh That's my friend. I go she used to be a dude, and he goes you know her are you sure are you fucking with me? You're fucking with me. I go no no She's definitely used to be a dude, and then you know she said hi, and I said hey, what's up?

How you doing everything good, but we talked and then we went down there Eddie goes. Oh my god I can't believe they used to be a guy. I can't believe it. He was now I'm so confused now. I don't know I thought I would be able to tell I thought Toby will be able to spot one I'm like you can't spot her She's she's a and she has dick. She's as girly as it gets We should pitch that show. What? Get a transgender set, like normal guys.

I'm going to date and see if they guess it. See what their reaction is the next day. Guys would get violent. That's how Jenny Jones got canceled from TV. Don't you remember? By how? Jenny Jones had an episode where it was like my secret crush. And the guy had a secret crush on this dude that he worked with.

And the dude that he worked with had no idea what the fuck was going on. He was on the show. And we're here to tell you that someone has a secret crush on you. And the guy gets out. It's me. I was on. It's like, you know, he got out there and he was like really flamboyant. And the guy got angry, went over to his house and shot him.

Yeah. Fucking killed him. And then they just went they just went point they pulled the plug on that show we won't do it that show doesn't exist anymore chick that's already had the operation that's not and after they fucking suck then you break it to him like with a guard there a guy comes out with a gun no they did it after the show was over the guy went to his house and killed i know he killed him. I know. He killed him like a couple days later. But that's fine. Listen.

But that's fine. How the fuck do you fuck a dude and somebody tells you you ain't leaving the house for a week? Dog, this is what you do. You film all the episodes

in two days. So if they die, they die. Fuck it. You already made your vig. You got a fucking hundred episodes in the can. Fuck him.

He's probably gonna kill people anyway. That's it. No, after they fuck, you sit them down and go, how was your date? It was great. I've never been with a woman so magical. What do we tell you if Diane was really dick the jick? And he used to sling dick back in the 80s on the Sunset Strip.

And the guy just freezed. I mean, what could you do? He's going to kill somebody. You're going to get the wrong guy. They're going to kill somebody. If it happened to you, what would you do depends how good the pussy was? You know that he was really a woman all along here's the deal meant to give up that monkey Here's the total rub. Here's the total rub. Okay. This is the hundred percent dudes are willing to accept

Artificially enhanced breasts, right? No problem I mean some guys don't prefer them, but they're willing to accept artificially enhanced breasts, right? No problem. I mean, some guys don't prefer them, but they're willing to accept artificially enhanced breasts. So breasts that change your body and they turn your body into something that's more womanly or more, for whatever reason, it activates that part of your lizard brain that sees the big fleshy tits

and thinks that this girl will be able to take care of my babies well. She's very fertile. These are good genes. That's the same gene that gives you the big fleshy tits and thinks that this this girl be able to take care of my babies. Well, she's she's very fertile These are good genes That's the same gene that gives you the big ass like the big ass the big tits like that sparks. There's like a flame It's not as a matter of someone giving you affection It's a matter of someone giving you affection in a very specific shape that that rings in your brain Well, they can do that and do that Absolutely perfectly and they will be able to eventually,

if they can already right now, and turn a guy into the exact shape of a woman that's hot as fuck, at the end of the day, you can search around for some fucking hidden Cracker Jack toy, you can lift her up and look around and try to figure out,

okay, I guess, is this a woman? I guess it looks exactly like a woman. It feels like a woman. It talks like a woman. God damn it, is it a woman? And you'll eventually decide that it's a woman. Because your brain processes that as female. Your brain processes the words as female, the shape as female.

And if someone could figure out how to do it just perfectly, just perfectly, like genetically, they figured out how to go in there and fucking tweak this shit, they're close to doing crazy shit like that. You saw that thing that Rhonda Patrick tweeted that I retweeted with about the pigs? Look what they're doing to pigs, man. They figured out a way to delete a gene in pigs and they come out like incredible Hulk pigs. She put up a photo of it today. They're doing all kinds of weird

shit with genetics. And they're already doing this on people, she says. In China. She's coming on the podcast soon to talk to me about it. I can't wait to talk about it. But look at these fucking pigs, man. This is crazy. They're Hulk pigs. Look at the ass on that pig. It's like a bull. It's hot bull if you were in a pig butt but you mean you know I'm saying like this is a this is a new thing they're they're doing to the bodies of these animals they're gonna be able to do that to people too man and they're gonna be able to turn a man into

a woman like perfectly they'll be able to literally get in there and dig around switch this turn that off and turn on, and you're a woman. I mean, it's going to happen. It's just a matter of time. I mean, I don't know if they're ever going to be able to turn a dick into a vagina without surgery, but I can't imagine one day they will. One day they'll just be able to. You could go back and forth.

There's an app for it. One day the government will have a switch. They'll just decide, today we're going to be a girl day. Today everyone is going to learn to be more sensitive to women because we're all going to be women. And just hit a switch. The entire city is a woman. And that's when the Mongols invade.

Come over the hill and they fuck everyone, including all the alpha males. They just get fucked like chicks. And here's a secret. They like it. They like it because they're chicks now. Joe, do you have a tight pussy today? Yeah. Today I do.

He's got a replenishment. I got a new shot at the doctor. I went to the dentist. He cleaned my teeth and made my pussy tighter. He hooked me up. You've got to be able to do that at home with your own printer. You're going to be able to figure out a printed artificial vagina that's just way tighter. You're going to hit the right keys, Apple one-click, and your vagina is just going to go.

You're going to have chips in your body that tell your body what to do. That's 100%. There's going to be artificial blood. That's 100%. Nanobots, those little, they're devising these tiny little itsy-bitsy blood cell-sized machines. This is what they're going to eventually have someday. That'll fight cancer. So if you have, like, a cancerous growth in your body, they'll be able to send these machines through your bloodstream to attack these sick areas of your body. I mean, we're going to see some fucking nutty shit in our day and a man turning into a woman is like the least of the nutty Shit if we could stay alive we could all in this room stay alive to a hundred

We're gonna see some shit, but he hasn't cut this dick off yet, Caitlin You're in the middle of a conversation in your own head, and you introduced it to us. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nobody brought him up. Everybody's all excited, but he hasn't cut his dick off yet. So why is everybody jumping up and down for him? Well, because he is allowed to keep his penis and still be a woman, Joey D. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No? Don't work that way. Either you're in or you're out. Yeah, it don't work that way. When he cuts his dick off, then come see me. There's no, no, no. No? Don't work that way. Either you're in or you're out. Yeah, it don't work that way. When he cuts his dick off, then come see me. There's no half-stepping. He's taking pictures. Everybody's jumping up and down.

He still hasn't gone to the farm. Yeah. Once you go to the farm and cut that motherfucker off, then you come see Uncle Joey. That's a true story. Until then, once you go to the farm, then come back and see him. He hasn't gone yet. This is a trick by the wife. This is a trick.

This is a fucking trick. Ratings. Something's going on. Something ain't right here. It's not a trick. He got his gone yet. This is a trick by the wife. This is a trick. This is a fucking trick. Ratings. Something's going on. Something ain't right here. It's not a trick. He got his face fixed. All right, that's great. Did you see the facial surgery?

He's crazy. No, no, no. So did fucking Stallone. Everybody got their face fixed. Not like this. He went through feminization surgery where they shortened his jaw and changed his lips and the whole deal. Have you seen the recent photos? Look at the Yeah, that's great vanity across the street big Mike

He put a pussy in there, and he hasn't changed his jaw. He's out there sucking dick two nights a week Yeah, the pussy in there. Yeah No big Mike is on the construction still I don't really He's got a bald spot. He's got to put a wig over it. But his roommate, Leslie, did everything. She got the cheeks, the face. So she was a man?

Yes. Okay. See, this is, look at these photos. Like, look at these photos, like, close-up ones of the face, like, right there. Like, he had a shitload of things done. Doesn't he seem like a high maintenance guy oh yeah he's crazy as fuck well here's the thing man you know when we were when we were watching that interview when he got interviewed by what was it diane sawyer is that who it was i interviewed

him what he was loving all the attention he was loving. He was loving the opportunity to talk about himself and talk about having, hold up that, pull that image up. Jesus Christmas. I love how he's trying to hide those giant canoe feet. Yeah, that's the problem. Get the fuck out of here with those size 38 flippers. Someone's got an upskirt thing going on. Them fucking Munich feet.

That motherfucker jumped in Munich and shit. Look at him. It's just, it's very strange, man. I mean, that is a very feminine looking man or woman. Joey, you want to transition, I should say, you know, I mean, in transition, she's very feminine looking. Like, what they've done to her face,

if she really looked like that. So this is the thing. When you're looking at something like this, this has been through more fucking computers. I mean, more screens and filters and we all know that we all know about the difference between what someone would look like in real life and someone look like in like a super well done photograph like that it's a big difference but hey man good for her if that's what she wants to do now same thing we were talking about before

about gay marriage good for her if this is what she enjoys i'm glad that she can be on the cover of a magazine and it could be a fun time for everybody you know when we were kids this could have never happened no never it's weird though right and it did happen when we were kids it happened because i watched the report and when it happened and happened another country And who we just didn't know about it happened like in Germany or somewhere really somebody like in 1940 and some American did it we just there was no internet right so we weren't very hip to it You know when I was in Seattle a young comic we had Rita Rita had done the operation Rita was a Japanese man That became a Japanese woman

But they she died because first off she had a lot of psychological problems that came after the surgery I loved Rita Oh Rita let me fall off my first fucking headshot. I never forgot that man. I paid it back and everything Rita died because her head was too fucking big from being a man what? So her balance was off after the surgery. What? Her balance is off. I love those comments. How is that possible?

What about Brad Williams? It's like if Brad becomes a woman, his head's going to be fucking ginormous, and his balance is going to be off from time to time. Something happened after they did the surgery to her That her balance got taken off She died because she suffered a fall at a disco And banged her head Rita O was an open mic comic That used to run with us in Seattle

And she'd come out, she had the nails I mean, nobody's gonna fuck Rita O Trust me Nobody ever thought of fucking Rita O Her hands were fucking horrid It looked like Herman Munster hands. She had the nails and she would get nachos and then she'd go to get a drink and we'd take her nachos and she'd yell.

She had a very feminine voice like, yes, darling. But she'd look at us getting nachos. She'd go, put them down. It was fucking scary. And to make money, the government or the doctors gave her a certain amount of pills a month, and she became a pill addict because the pain from the surgery plus all the psychological and everything. She was raised in the 40s. When I met Rita in 95, Rita was 50 already.

You know what I'm saying? So I was 20-something, maybe 30. So she was telling me that when she was growing up, her mother and father would beat her when she would tell them that she was really a woman. Wow. You know, like it was just too much abuse in her life. And then once she finally became a woman, there was so much baggage, you know, I remember doing blow with it, like, and talking to her, like at the comedy club and her telling me, you know, mean i remember doing blow with it like and talking to her like at the comedy club and her telling me you know as creepy as it was that you know she was she would have to go she

shrink three times a week still what was what was the big did she talk about what the big issue was the transition was it a transition transition you know but she ate a lot of pills she did a lot of powder she had tons of money I don't know where she got the money from I know she sold drugs She even came down here to see me once When I was in LA at the comedy store Like in 99

And she died shortly after that She fell off the stage and went into a coma and died And we're joking around And it was true, her head was too big Do you think it had to do with her pills? The fact she's taking pills? Isn't that more was true. Her head was too big. There's a lot of conflict. Do you think it had to do with her pills? The fact she's taking pills? Isn't that more likely? I've been in contact in my life with maybe two or three transgenders, man.

You know? Like on the streets when I was a kid in New York City or something. And something was always missing. Do you know what I'm saying? Even after they did the surgery. Something's always not right, Joe Rogan. They just did something major, major. It's a major step. We're just throwing it around with these fucking idiots,

and they're going to start throwing it around like a tattoo. That's the part of it that I don't like, that now every time somebody feels feminine, they're going to want to have this fucking surgery. Do you know what I'm saying? Like one day you feel confused or whatever, Every time somebody feels feminine, they're going to want to have this fucking surgery. You know what I'm saying? Like one day you feel confused or whatever. This is the part of it I don't like.

I get all this gender stuff, and I get it, man, that you're a woman, that you were born feeling this. But in today's society, we've got too many sheep. We've got too many weak souls out there, dog. They still argue about it. It's not good. And those are the people I worry about. Those people that, you know, you ever go somewhere and you hear people talking, you know who's there just to try to

be there. I'll never forget this. I went to a restaurant once in Santa Monica and there was a guy behind me and while I was eating, I said, nobody's this gay. Nobody could be this gay. This guy was not born like this. This guy is something that he does to be accepted.

He doesn't even know what he's doing. In six years, he won't be gay no more. In six years, he'll have a wife and a kid living in Idaho and he'll be a farmer. But he's just doing this to fit in. This is like, I have a lot of that. I feel a lot of that with people today in our society. A lot. I feel people are not completely in. This is like, really? I have a lot of that. I feel a lot of that with people today in our society. A lot. I feel people are not completely in. There's some

people. There's not people in. They're not in. And that's why I tell people before you go in there, fucking think it over. Whether it's hanging out with devil worshipers or hanging out with drug dealers or whatever the fuck you want to do because once you're in, you're in. You're going to end up kidnapping somebody with a machine gun.

Don't tell me what the fuck I know. I know when somebody's faking the funk. There's people that, when I was a kid, Jimmy Balzano was my brother. I knew he was gay. I knew he was slinging dick, but it took no fucking genius to tell you that my brother, I grew up in his house with his other three brothers. You couldn't tell he was gay. If he came to me today and said I'm a transgender, I would hug him and go,

dog, since the eighth grade, I can tell you were a dick sucker. I had no doubts in my heart that you weren't going to suck dick, even though you were fucking girls in the neighborhood because you were so good looking. You know what I'm saying? You grew up with people that you look at and go, Sometimes you go to the store and you see people that you go. It's like when you see Eddie Murphy in person, you're like, this guy could be a fucking go-go dancer on the weekends. When you see Eddie Murphy, I always said Eddie Murphy should win an Academy Award because when he's in the movie, he's a man of many men.

When you see Eddie Murphy in person, you're like, the rumors could be true. There's something about him. And I'm not even mad at Eddie. I'm one of his biggest fans. I'm just telling the truth that as a man, you're around other fucking men. And you know who ain't right. You know who you might be able to talk into sucking a dick at 3 in the morning. We all have that person.

Now, we go home. We love that person. We accept that person. But you know one night if you have a pill and a Quaalude, you might be able to talk to this guy. There's certain guys. Except the creepy guy in Boogie Nights. Yeah. You knew there's people like that, that they walk around.

You know they'll suck a dick if they had to, if they got into a tight spot one night. Okay? And that night in Hollywood, I really, and I felt bad about what I was thinking. I felt this guy was just doing it so he could bowl with these guys on Tuesday nights. You know, 20 years ago, what am I, the only retard in the room? Anne Heche went lesbian. Did she not? Did she not?

She was dating fucking Ellen. You're an Ellen fan. Well, she wanted to become famous. Right. So she became a lesbian and she did Dr. Brasco. It's a good way to become famous. And now, what has she got? She's got kids.

Okay, then. Husband. Kid's dick. I think people, a lot of people move to Hollywood or in society, and just to fit in, they'll do shit. They'll do shit. Then they realize, well, this is where I fucking got. They do it, man. We live in a sheep fucking society today.

We're all trying to be the same person. If you look around, we're all looking the same. to be the same person. If you look around, we're all looking the same. When you go to Silver Lake and do Malo, and you get on stage, look at the people, and 80% of people look the same. They all got the same fucking glasses, the same tight jeans,

the same tattoo of the Chinese sign. Everybody wants to be the fucking same here. Everybody's thinking the same. You know, you wake up in the morning, walk into a studio for an audition. What does everybody have in front of them? A cup of what?

Starbucks. And if you ain't got Starbucks, you ain't invited to the fucking party. Really? You see Starbucks raise their prices 20% again. Did they really? How much more are you going to pay for coffee? They got you hooked. They got you hooked.

They want that money. And it's not coffee. Everybody got coffee. It's the status of going to Starbucks. Oh, my God. Is it really? Yes. It's status.

Oh, my God. How many times have you seen a picture? Who's impressed that you go to Starbucks over the coffee? I go to Coffee Bean. They have better croissants. It doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying? They have muffins, too.

Yeah, but muffins are much higher quality. When we were growing up in Boston or Denver, you lived at your grandfather's in Newark. People would have a little fucking blue cup that said coffee. And you went to a diner and you said, give me a, what was it called? Do you remember they used to have the Greek stuff? Right. Like little Greek guys on the cups. What's it called?

What's it called? The coffee medium? How did you order coffee? Regular. Yeah, regular. What's regular? Milk and cream and sugar. And two coffees, right?

Yeah, and two sugars. Now look what we have. But we didn't carry the coffee cups like a Budweiser. It's like when you go out at night, you take a picture with somebody do they always got in their hand put the fucking beer down, but nobody could put the beer down god forbid They don't party out God forbid they don't party out Let's put the bus so they can tell I'm drinking what the fuck put the beer down you fuck same thing with coffee in our society Everybody wants to fucking be cool and drink that fucking coffee.

Have you ever had someone look at your cup and go, what is that? Fucking coffee bean? What, you can't afford Starbucks, bro? Yo, step up to Starbucks. No, but why would you wait on that line when 7-Eleven got the same fucking coffee? No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It's that same, listen, that Brazilian bold will keep you up for three days.

That's what ISIS drinks. Don't tell me same fucking coffee. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. It's the same. Listen, that Brazilian bold will keep you up for three days. That's what ISIS drinks. Don't tell me my fucking business. We think ISIS drinks fucking... Take coffee? Fuck you. They drink fucking... You ever drink Brazilian... You ever drink Brazilian bold from fucking Dunkin' Donuts?

Fuck you. Fuck you. But that's Dunkin' Donuts. Fuck everybody. Fuck all you dumb motherfuckers that pay eight dollars. Look at me. Antibiotics and anti-fungus. Go to Dunkin' Donuts and get that Brazilian fucking bowl.

And come back and see me. That's liquid fucking meth. Get the fuck out of here. Dunkin' Donuts I agree with. Shit. But not 7-Eleven. I don't even like Dunkin' Donuts because the coffee's too hot. No, no, no.

7-Eleven, the old Brazilian bowl. Now they got it all fucked up. I don't go for Dunkin' Donuts no the coffee's too hot. No, no, no. At 7-Eleven, the old Brazilian bowl. Now they got it all fucked up. I don't go for Dunkin' Donuts no more. Dunkin' Donuts you go for. You don't go for 7-Eleven. No, Dunkin' Donuts and Encino. By the time I drive, they'll crash the fucking car. So I either make the trip at the fucking house.

I make the trip at the house. What do you think I leave the car? I tell you about the Keurig K-Cups, right? Why do you think I leave? Young Jamie, get the man a Keurig K-Cup, please. We have them still, right? Okay, yeah, I got more about the Keurig K-Cups, right? Why do you think I leave? Jamie. Young Jamie. Get the man a Keurig K-Cup, please. Why do you think? We have them still, right? Okay, yeah, I got more in the car.

Why do you think I leave the Comedy Store so fast every night? Why do you leave the Comedy Store? Because I got to catch my Starbucks by midnight or I turn into a pumper. You drink it at midnight? Oh, my God. I drink a flat white, a small one at midnight. So you go right down the street to the one that's near Carney's? Magnolia?

No, Magnolia and Riverside. It's open until 12 o'clock? Midnight, and the drive-in is open until midnight. I got up this morning at 4.15. I got nothing to do. I shoot right to the drive-in. It's open at 4.30. You know, one of the things that I would do when I was writing

is I'd make a fucking pot of coffee at night. It could be like midnight. I start writing, and I'll make a pot of coffee. That's when I know I'm there to work. I'm going to big fucking French press. You said you got the white chocolate mocha? No, no, no. I get the flat white.

I don't drink no white chocolate mocha. You got to get out of here, right? No, no, no. I'm cool. We got 15, 20 minutes. I love the flat white from... It's like a fake... It's like a fake...

A fake on nature. I'll drink a small... You know what I'm saying? But if I'm home, I'll corrupt that motherfucker. I'll do a double Bustelo. You can sleep right after that, though, right? Like, no. I did cocaine for 30.

A cup of coffee don't do nothing to Uncle Joey. That's a double Bustelo. You know what? I think I have ADD or some shit. Because sometimes I'll have a cup of coffee and I'll get sleepy. Yeah, I do. Me too. Me too.

This does nothing to me. What goes up must come down. What goes up must come down. It's the dumbest. What goes up must come down. What goes up must come down. It's the dumbest. What goes up must come down. Must come down. Spinning wheel. Turn your mother on the riverside.

Got a painted pony. Let the... You got no money in you. You got no home. Spinning wheel All alone That's Chicago, isn't it? That's a good fucking chant No, I don't think it's

Is it Chicago? Maybe God damn, I don't know Is it? Three Dog Night, Chicago It's gotta be one of those fuckers Spinning wheel Spinning wheel song

Did you guys listen to the new Apple music radio station no it's interesting it's spinning wheel the fuck is dude on KTLA say to stay away from it blood sweat and tears Joey blood sweat What goes up must come down. Spinning wheel. 1970? Let me see. What year, Jamie? Wow.

Wow. You know who who's that? No, no, listen to the horns on this, brother. Listen to the horns. Put this back again. Listen to these horns. Because we didn't... We grew up on guitars, ladies and gentlemen, for you fucking morons, with the DJ and the

dude, the little Chinese dude. Listen to the horns on this. That's the whole song. That's good. Keep it up. Wow. Right here, hold on. Let it shine within your mind.

Are you kidding me? God, I haven't heard this song in forever. Jesus, goosebumps. This is where your parents listen. Let's blow them. Are you fucking kidding me? You want to really put a fucking jam on, dog? What?

You got to put the video on so I can show you motherfuckers. In the book by Aerosmith, he describes when he met his daughter for the first time at a concert. He was on stage. His daughter? Yeah, the chick that's in Armageddon. He met her for the first time? You didn't know that, dog? No.

She didn't know who her father was. It was between Todd... Rundgren? Todd Glass. No, Todd Rundgren. It was between Todd Rundgren and... Steven Tyler. Steven Tyler.

And then her mother took her to see Aerosmith, and she goes, that's my dad. Put up Todd Rundgren, hello, it's me. Listen to this jam, Joe Rogan. No. When was the last time you heard this? I haven't heard this's me. Listen to this jam, Joe Rogan. When was the last time you heard this? I haven't heard this in forever.

Listen to this. I don't even know how it goes. Oh, my God. This is when singing, this is when you had to have a voice, though. Is this going to kick you off of YouTube and all that? Is it going to kick us off of YouTube? No. They don't like it. Yeah?

Yeah, they don't like it. Listen to this. We might have to edit this. Do the Kidz Bop version. Don't put the videos. A lot of work for this guy. It's not that simple. We got to see the video and see what he looks like.

This is him? This is suicide music. Yeah. Cut it out. This is a bad jam. Stop it now. This is a bad jam. This is Tyrone.

This is tremendous. Yeah. This is one of those songs you listen to over your grandmother's house. You got to get outside. For a walk. This is a bad jam. I listen to over your grandmother's house Gotta get outside For a walk This is a bad jam I gotta get out of the house This guy's a fucking Everyone's like

It's snowing out I don't care I gotta get I gotta walk Look at him He's dressed like an eagle Thinks he's a bird You had to see this

Where's that guy now? I always wonder what happens To these guys Guys that are like rock stars And then they just stop They just stop Like what a strange No I guarantee This guy had so much talent this guy wrote for people he gets a fucking he gets residuals from all this dough on the radio you know with all this classic

rock and all these serious and the same money we get from what's that check who sends us a check once a quarter for our shit on the radio they get get. And in Boulder, I used to be friends with a guy that was a radio police. Okay? He was the radio police. And what he did was he made sure that you got paid for your stuff. The radio police? He worked for the radio police in Denver. Did he have a badge?

No, he didn't have a badge. He was a white dude. Nice guy. I met him at the car wash. What's in here? Keurig K-cups. Hash oil. Marijuana. And a K-cup for him. I got to at the car wash. What's in here? Keurig K-Cups. Hash oil. Marijuana.

In a K-Cup form. I gotta put some sugar in this motherfucker. No, you don't. You don't. It's sweet enough. The universe, the experience is very sweet. No. What are we talking about?

What the fuck? Stevia's empty. Have you tried the liquid stevia? We got more of it? I got sugar. Oh, we got sugar for you. Yeah, I'll take some sugar. That's a motherfucker.

You know what I'm saying? Liquid stevia? Yeah. That's dangerous. Like an eyedropper? Yeah, it's like an... Just do like one or two drops. It's so strong.

Stevia could really fuck up a drink if you're not paying attention. Hello, it's me. Yeah. Well, you know. The fuck? What's he gonna do? There you go. What's this?

Sugar, bitch. I'm Cuban. I got a sweet tooth. You're gonna give me two packets. I got diabetes. How many packets do you use? Fuckin' 18. Raw sugar.

How many? It's a half a cup of coffee. How many sugars would you put in there normally? I don't fuckin' know. Raw sugar's kinda... What would you do if I wasn't here? I'd put that Stevia shit in there. Stevia. No, that's broken. No, the other shit. That's what I use. I use the sweeteners that your boy sent me.

Stevia? Yeah, whatever the fuck he sent me me I don't use sugar at all But yet you're using four Who gives a fuck I'm with you guys I'm partying with you motherfuckers You know what I'm saying We are partying

Once you drink that Once you drink that Bro I got a half a brownie in me I got a half Listen I did my first morning joint At 9am this morning Where the fuck you been Oh I wanted to talk to you about that

Talk to me about that Your periscope show Your scoop Periscope show. Periscope. Periscope show. Where's the stirrers for Joey? We got a stirrer. I got it. I'm good.

I'm good. This tastes like dick. You know that? This tastes like fucking dick. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. It's not supposed to be good. It's supposed to be good in effects. Look, when I drink a star, it's fucking good.

It's jello. Drink that. This is dick. No, no, no. It's not. This tastes like a guy that smoked pot all night. You suck his dick. This is what comes out of his dick.

It's his tea. It's his coffee. He ate an asparagus salad that smoked weed. Hello, it's me. What's the story? Your Periscope show. Every morning, you're doing the joint. What is it?

Say it again. It's called the morning joint with Uncle Joey. I do it about five after eight if the baby lets me go outside. Five after eight in the morning. Yeah. You stand outside for a couple minutes and just do Periscope. I smoke three, four bowls, two different weeds, maybe a little hashish. And I wake the people up.

I give some motivational terms. I tell the people to grab their dick like today. The saying of the day was either they're going to your dick, or they're going to suck your dick. Either way, you win. You know what I'm saying? Wow, that's really clever. Did you write that out? Sure.

And Confucius says, either you're going to suck my dick today, or you're going to suck my dick tomorrow. But you're going to suck my dick somewhere along the line. A lot of dick sucking going on on Paris. That's how you have to leave the house in the morning. When I leave the house, I'm scared. I've got to fucking get myself fired up in the shower

and let people know that when I'm going out there Somebody's gonna suck your dick today whether they want or not. Joey. That's what you're scared of? No, I'm scared of fucking There you go. Play some of this. Joey, do you ever have them delete any of your stuff? No, I don't know I don't know nothing about Periscope. I just do them and I fucking move on with my life It's a beautiful day to be alive. The clown is out. Who gives a fuck? You're showing up with some mad motherfucking sunshine in your heart and in your ballsack. You understand me? Like the man said, they got two options today.

To suck your dick or to suck your dick. That's their option. So who gives a fuck? This is how you wake up. Let's get this party started. What's up with the chitter chatter? You know, we've been waiting for 20 fucking minutes. Now you want to show up a day late and a dollar fucking short?

Let's get this fucking party started. We're going to open up today with the zombie weed. By the way I know exactly what I'm doing tomorrow. I'm setting my alarm clock And I'm gonna be a part of this. I usually watch you right when I'm going to bed You do it really early sometimes sometimes you know what I'm gonna do man I want to get one of those iPhone things for the car. You know yeah, you got one that's illegal by the way look at great It's illegal to do it on the have a windshield mount in California

Windshield windshield because it's in front of you or anything on your windshield so you know do that on the windshield you doing the dash Right well. No you could do it like on the vents They have the ones that snap in events and right like that, but it's not it's not illegal to periscope while you're driving I think it is. I definitely think it is. Really? Yeah, because you're kind of not paying attention to the road. But you are if you just turn it on while you're driving. If you're parked, you turn it on, and you

go, okay, it's on. Here we go. We're going to work. I don't think they can stop you from doing that. I think that's fine. Because you can drive like that with GoPros, because that's how those shows get made. Like Drive, that Drive channel on YouTube, I was with those guys. Matt Farah, dude He's got all these GoPros inside of his car, so you could definitely do that I I drive all the time, but I delete them right after that

It's like the fucking forest fire. They're fighting in Big Bear right now. 12.30, 1 o'clock. They deleted one of my periscopes. Why? Because I have this thing where I eat shitty food in the shower and review it. And I was doing Taco Bell. I had a Nacho Bell Grande and I was just drinking all the water and a soup. Why did they delete it?

Because it was too gross, I think. What the fuck? You're eating food. I know. Well, why are they censoring? I think they might, I don't know why, but it was available for like an hour and then they just pulled it and I don't know if it was... I heard that people were upset at you that you were wasting water.

It's a six minute shower and I'm taking a real shower while I'm eating. Yeah, but I'm not defending or attacking you. People were upset that you were wasting water. Well, I understand those complaints, but when I do a shower scope, I try not to shower for four days straight. Can't argue with that, ladies and gentlemen.

Get off your fucking high horse. How many minutes shower can I take? Five minutes. You're supposed to take five minutes a day. Who fucking shuts down the golf course? When's that happening? Because until then, fuck yourself. Because they're using millions of gallons minutes a day. Who fucking shuts down the golf course? When's that happening? Because until then, fuck yourself. Because they're using millions of gallons of water.

Until you're shutting down the golf course, fuck off. Because that's 100% for entertainment. 100. 100%. He's at least taking a converatory effort of entertainment and a shower. I take two, three showers a day. And I take my time. I get the loofah.

Nice. I get the asshole loofah. You get the loofah with the stick? That's the way to go. I made an asshole loofah, dog. You made it? A little loofah. Nice. I get the asshole loofah. You get the loofah with the stick? I made an asshole loofah, dog. You made it? A little loofah with a Q-tip just to wash the barnacles around the muffler.

Sure. See, the truth is it'll get stuck in there and you won't even know it's in there. No, I did the colonoscopy. I looked at my ass. I didn't want to go in there

with a dirty asshole. Just use a shower. What do you want in for your colonoscopy, dog? Pretty soon, cocksucker. I've had a finger in my butt. No, not the finger when they stick the camera in there and look around.

Doctor had to check around. They got to look around. It's very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Yeah. You don't even make eye contact. Probe. Look around your asshole.

Fucking horrible. Yeah. I'm avoiding shoulder surgery. I've got some tears, some small tears in my labrum. So I've been going through Reg regenequin and physical therapy and all this different shit for it it's uh my latest health issue it's fascinating shit to feel your joints given out and to realize this might have to get fixed i'm gonna have to get this one fixed it's not quite at the point where i gotta get it fixed like the thing i could rejuvenate it to the

point like it's it's weird because it's still strong But it just gets sore after I use it and there's apparently some bone chips in there from jujitsu My hair is but what I'm Americanas. Oh my god. I cried to me hurts again The one I just had you should you should look into that Regeneron shit. What's with Jenna King? Jenna Keynes are the blood spinning procedure They take your blood outs with a Kobe Bryant all these guys used to go to Germany for now They have a place in Santa Monica. And it's just massive anti-inflammatories. How much blood do they have to take out? They take out some blood.

That's when we have a problem. They take out some blood. You got a tube. Whatever a tube is, you got a tube. No, they got a few tubes. No, they can't do it. And they're big tubes, too. No, no, no.

They're taking two big tubes and a couple small tubes. They get that bass drum air fucking compressor, and they fucking banged on your blood fuck you That's why I didn't go to the thing the Salvation Army 16 ounces of blood Your blood they go what you've been doing I tried you know what I try to give blood once a month I don't know smells like weed I go to the doctor with some fake fucking excuse because people that's why women don't get heart attacks because they bleed once a month fucking excuse because people that's why women don't get heart attacks because they bleed once a month that's why because they bleed once a month they change up their fucking blood

you make new fucking blood that's why women don't get heart attacks because every month they need iron to make new fucking blood but we don't bleed like women so that's why it's good when men go get blood because then your body rejuvenates new fucking blood even if it's four fucking ounces what do you think you're dealing with is that what's true then dudes who did coke would bleed more out of their noses so they would probably live longer what are you talking about i'm telling you right now that the reason women don't die as many heart attacks as men is because they don't bleed out the fucking monkey i think the reason why they probably don't die as much because they don't date as many women so if you're over 40 go get blood once a month just a couple tubes so your body starts from

scratch i'm telling you, Joe Rooks. I think when women are not dating women, it saves a lot of stress. That's a good point. I think with this gay marriage thing, you're going to see a rise in heart attacks from women. Lesbian heart attacks. Once they get the bill from the lawyer, the alimony. What? Fucking alimony.

Bitch, get a job. I'm not your mother. I didn't give birth to you. You didn't have fucking kids with me. God damn it. Melissa Etheridge was really funny when she was talking about that. She gives't give birth to you. You didn't have fucking kids with me. God damn it. Melissa Etheridge was really funny when she was talking about that. She gives alimony to two different chicks. I go, what happened?

She goes, bitches are crazy. Melissa Etheridge is a two-child support. Melissa Etheridge is a badass bitch. She's a badass bitch. Lady. Lady. I say that with all due respect. I call you a badass bitch. I call anybody I love a badass bitch. She's a badass bitch. Badass lady. Lady. I say that with all due respect. I call you a badass bitch. I call anybody

I love a badass bitch. Look at you, you badass bitch. That's 100% respectful. Where you at this weekend, though? You still at the theater? I'm at the Ca Theater at the MGM with Tommy Segura and Tony Hinchcliffe in Vegas the night before the big fights. I'm going to miss you guys. I'm going to miss you, too.

Where you at? I'm at the Atlanta Improv. Cool. I heard that's a good spot. Nice spot. Brian Cowan's the king. He's the king there? Yeah, that's the way on the street. They don't have the punchline anymore.

No. But they did a punchline comedy night at a fucking backyard the other day. They had some gated community. They have some crazy community somewhere outside of Atlanta. It's like one of those engineered communities. They they have all these recreations, and it's a gated community. But they had this, the Punchline had a Punchline comedy night, and all these people are sitting outside, and they decided to have a comedy night at their community.

Did you say the Punchline's not open anymore? It's not open anymore. What they did to the building? I think they lost their lease, I'm assuming, but they've been there forever, forever. Or they might have decided it doesn't make sense to keep the lease. I don't know exactly what happened. But they're looking for another spot. That green room sucked anyway. No, it was

kind of cool. That was the green room that had a little sign on the wall that said, Quit trying to be Hicks. Yeah. But you also got trapped there. The only way to enter or exit that green room was walking through the whole entire audience. That's also the green room where Seth Petruzzelli

fought Kimbo Slice and I called the fight like right before it happened because Ken Shamrock got injured warming up for the first fight and then all of a sudden

instead of Ken Kimbo Slice had to fight Seth Petruzzelli and I went, what? And as soon as I saw it I'm like, oh my god,

Seth Petruzzelli's going to fuck him up. This is a terrible fight for him. Petruzzelli's a bad motherfucker. as I saw it, I'm like, oh, my God, Seth Petruzzelli's going to fuck him up. Like, this is a terrible fight for him. Petruzzelli's a bad motherfucker. So I watched that. I was like, this is a terrible matchup. And everybody's like, you're crazy. Kimbo's a world beater.

I'm like, dude, wait until you see what happens here. And it happened within, like, eight seconds. Just as soon as the fight started, Petruzzelli knocks him out. And I go, see? I called it. Seth Petruzzelli's Bad motherfucker But I was like If I didn't call it

You would never see this We would hide this It was a crazy Little green room man That was a good little spot Yeah I mean Just walking to it sucked I wish there was a back door

Or something to it Yeah walking sucked But that was part of the fun Of that club It was kind of wonky You know It was that weird wonky Upstairs

Remember It was that weird spot. That manly beard. God damn it. I always died in a slow death at that club. What's that? I always died in a slow death. You wouldn't now. Guaranteed people know what the fuck you're doing. When I used to bring you there

people didn't know what to make of you. They were so confused. They fucking hated me there. You were in this position back then where either they got it or they didn't. No, but I wasn't working hard then either. I was going up there coked up like from the night before, not even feeling it. You know, when you have coke in your blood from the night before, dog.

Does it depress you the next day? No, it wasn't the depression. It's like, you know, you got high. Like, I would get high like Mondays, Wednesdays and then the fucking weekend was coming. You gotta warm up, you know. And the first night you'd have like a good show. Thursday night I'd have a good show.

But then I got a hold of that shit. And then Friday was rough and then Saturday was even rougher because you're more discommunicated. You're more disconnected is the word. So I would go up there, die, and then have to see those people. And I fucking hated them, and they hated me. So for the longest time for you, that cocaine was a real anchor around your neck?

30 fucking years. I was telling my wife this morning, the whole 90s. You figure the whole 90s. How did you kick it? How did I kick it? I told you, I just kicked it. I don't fucking know.

I just didn't want, I didn't want, listen bro, like I told you, I have a fucking revenge gene. Okay? You'd rather fucking get 10 dicks up your ass

than have somebody come to you and say Joey Diaz died from an overdose. I was not gonna let that happen. I was not gonna let people come up to you and go, see, I told you. And I definitely didn't want my wife to find me on the floor. Listen, you could find me on the floor. Red Band could never handle it.

Red Band would never be the same again if he found me on the floor. Never. Red Band would fucking, God, because he doesn't have that DNA. Neither does this poor guy. You do. You could find anybody on the floor. It would be tough for you to deal. I don't know what to think about that.

It'd be tough for you to deal. You're a strong, you know what I'm saying? You would put it in perspective a lot quicker than Red Band could. Red Band would take two years. You're talking about him like he's not right there. No, I'm not saying something bad about Red Band. Red Band's got a great soul. When I first met Red Band, I would talk.

This kid would leave the room. He didn't know what to make of me. The Columbus days? Yeah. He didn't know. So what I'm saying is there's some people who could find a guy on the floor and live with it, and there's some people who can't digest it. They can't. I didn't want two things. I didn't want Terry finding me

on the floor. I definitely didn't want to die in a hotel room on the fucking road, right? And that was my main playground You know what that I'm embarrassed. No, there's no Okay, you know hold that room naked that's what I'm jumping jerk off juice on your leg Hopefully and some chick who left at 3 in the morning and people gonna say I told you Joe Rogan That was never gonna happen in my lifestyle in my lifetime. That was not gonna happen I was not gonna to OD from coke. I couldn't give them the satisfaction even after

the fucking fact. That's how deep my revenge gene runs. Wow, that's hilarious. You got clean because you wanted to get back at the people that would have been happy if you died. Oh, please. Would have been happy if I died from that. They would have

loved to look at you in the face and go, I told you so. There's people that live for that shit. That once they have an opinion, they live by it. Let me tell you something though. I've said I told you so a shitload of times now. I get to say I told you so now. I get to say I told you so to a lot of

fucking agents. I've had some stupid conversations with people back in the day. Stupid. Where they were trying to tell me you weren't talented, you weren't funny. I'm like, you need to shut the fuck up. You don't know what you're talking about. Listen, man, when you're on the drug, when you're on any drug,

you get stuck in that emotional state where you started that drug, where that drug really became something else for you. Listen, when I leave now and I go to the pharmacist and I get Anivar, it starts off great. I eat one Anivar three times a day. What's an Anivar? Anivar is a steroid, a light steroid to get the burn victim. Oh, okay.

I've heard of that. Okay, but once I start seeing that thing, then I become something else. Once chicks start coming up to me and going, Joey, we love your arms and we love your back, it becomes an emotional thing. Okay. So now I'm shooting Decker. Now I'm chasing that dragon, that feeling. Well, when you start doing it, you do a fucking line of coke because you're an emotional fucking wreck.

Okay? When you do it, you don't even know it at times. You become an emotional wreck from any drug, those pills. So for me, I got stuck emotionally. The anger was stuck in me. You can't move forward. We've had this discussion. You can't move forward.

Well, you've always said that it shuts off your soul. Sure it does. Sure it does. That's the way you described it. always said that it shuts off your soul. Sure it does. That's the way you described it. It was like you just became a blank. Sure it does. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't mad. I wasn't any of the above. I had no emotions. You faked the funk in a way. Even in those days,

you still were Joey Diaz. Oh, I could still throw some fucking heat if you caught me after two days, if I sat down with a notebook, but it wasn't. You still had a lot of talent. There's still something about you that just, it was about you catching it. I remember one time we worked together at Rascals. West Orange?

West Orange. Yeah, Rascals and West Orange. And it was at the time where you made the transition. You know how Nicole or Caitlyn Jenner, that was a transition? There was a transition where you went from Joey Diaz, the guy who wants to be a comedian, to Joey Diaz, a great comedian. And I watched it happen. It happened really quickly.

That was what was weird. It was like you had this period of time where you were a real hit and miss. And if you went down You went down hard, and you would go that sometimes you'd bomb like multiple sets in a row And just wasn't wasn't click wasn't click and then boom you you hit on it I figured out what a fucking what it was and it almost like you Release something like you had like a demon inside you pulled it out, and you've released it And then all also you were crushing I remember I think it was Tripoli and I were in the back by the the back hallway

And it was like one of the times where you just really started crushing and Tripoli was like Joey Diaz is on another level I go yeah, man Like what the fuck like you just caught it you like you caught a wave And all of a sudden you were surfing and then from then on you figured it out it was crazy like you went from being like a really funny guy offstage and an occasionally funny guy on stage but often mediocre to a monster just monster like there was nights in the OR where you were destroying and we were falling out of the backstay we would leave like laughing so hard we would go

down the back stairs out into the hallway and it'd be like two or three guys slapping their leg laughing i'd be dying on i love that original room listen the original room brings something out of you we're out of time we're out of time we're out i love you man i love you for having me always anytime it was fun uh at our fourth of july anytime. Great to see you. It was fun at our 4th of July barbecue, too. Yeah, great to see you, too. Jamie, yuck. Yuck. I'm going to go home now and take a swim in. That's always a fucking blast.

His daughter just says yuck at everything. First time she met me, she goes, yuck. But then she kissed you. She kissed me. Then she kissed you. But she says yuck to everything. Do you want to have some of this? Yuck.

But I showed her some ice cream, and she was like, oh, then I was her best friend. Then I was a vanilla ice cream man. Joey Diaz, what is it, the Periscope? How do people get to it? I don best friend. Then it was vanilla ice cream, man. Joey Diaz, what is it, the Periscope? How do people get to it? I don't know. Follow him on Twitter. I always put it up on Twitter five minutes. What time in the morning? Five after eight. Five after eight. You gotta check that

out. Get your day started off with that. Of course, Mad Flavor on Twitter. Red Band on Twitter. Show's coming up. Next week in Toronto. And this week, Wednesday, Comedy Store with Steve-O. Good googly moogly. All right, friends.

We'll see you soon. Bye-bye. Love you guys. Love you guys. Thank you.