The Joe Rogan Experience - #673 - Nick DiPaolo & Adam Lowery

Episode Date: July 22, 2015

Nick DiPaolo is a writer and stand up comedian. His latest special “Another Senseless Killing” is available now at http://www.nickdipaolo.com. Adam Lowery is a master of mental health and life transition specialist. More information about his work is available at http://www.adamlowery.com

All right, we're live. We're going in. I'm here with Nick DiPaolo, Brian Redband. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. And we're looking at the tunnel that they dug under, I believe his name is El Chapo. Yes, El Chapo Guzman. Respect. Respect for, you know, forget about all the terrible shit. I'm sure that guy is done. Listen, you gotta give props when they're due. This guy had, I mean, he's got a fucking plan. He executed it like a goddamn Clint Eastwood movie. I know. This is a movie.

I've hired contractors who don't do work that good. That tunnel was perfect for Christy. And he was in jail for a year, so I wonder if it took a year for them to do this. Oh, Christy. I wonder how they did it. Probably got a crew of six and they did it in three hours. They dug a fucking mile tunnel. There's a video of him going into the hole, too.

See if you can find the video. Because you actually see him go, well, see ya. He just fucking, he just goes over to where his toilet is and just steps down into, I'm not kidding, man. It's crazy. It's crazy to watch. Yeah, there's a staircase. It's like a movie and it's going to end with Trump, you know? Oh my God.

And the movie's going to be trumped. Do you know his son said something, he texted something, or tweeted something to Trump. Jesus Christ, how terrified must Trump be right now? Can you imagine this fucking guy who can dig a tunnel a mile under the ground? He comes up behind Trump, Trump's house. He's trying to kick your ass. Isn't it weird that history is tweeted now? a mile under the ground. It comes up behind Trump's house. It's trying to kick your ass. Isn't it weird that history is tweeted now?

In the past, it used to be by horse and message carrier. Now it's tweeted. So strange. People on the run have access to Twitter. When you find out something happened, like somebody died, what do you do immediately? I go to Twitter. Immediately. I just go look in the timeline.

Depends who it timeline. Depends. For sure someone's doing it. Depends who it is. Depends who it is that died. Might check my space on a couple of those guys. Yeah, like you would see like RIP, like Leonard Nimoy was a big one for me. I was like, oh, fuck. Spock?

Fucking Spock died. And immediately I went to Twitter and bam, it was right there. I had a, look at this. He's got a motorcycle. Sorry, we were watching this. The hunt for El Chapo. El Chapo has a fucking motorcycle. I had a jug of whiskey. What is that jug on the front seat? It's tequila.

He's going to fucking party as soon as he gets on that thing. I want a motorbike and a gallon of cider. This is like El Machete. I mean, it really is. Like, he gets down through the hole. There's a motorcycle with fucking liquor. On rails.

And it was on rails. Like a ride at fucking Disney. And he's gone. Look at that. Tunnel cost $5 million. Took a year to build. Holy shit. Boy, the authorities are really fucking on top of it, huh?

How funny is that though that they they take a wild guess at five million you don't know how much yeah where they i was where you get that price just guessing well we called home depot and they said the uh the two by fours are at least 60 well the amount of dirt he had at this place you know i think you gotta factor in trucking and union costs this is where exactly this is his toilet so what he did was they built it right behind the stall So I guess he has like a little bit of privacy there, and that's where they fucked up They gave him like a little bit of shitter privacy. Yeah, which which you know why would you do that?

Well now they know you can't give the guy shitter privacy Now you have to shit in the front of yourself. I mean come on. This is crazy. This is like the colonoscopy look Joe My butthole looks that good. I'm very happy. It's that wide and clean. It's ready to go. It's been licked out. That's all protein powder stuck to the side.

Fucking green energy drinks and Joe coffee and all that. Kale shakes and mousse. That's my prostate with a wire hanging out of it. Electronic prostate. Did you see they're going to be able to make artificial penises? They said within the next five years, they're going to have lab-created penises. I'm already on the list. You didn't hear about this like a year ago?

Can you imagine having the first generation of them? Well, I was in Miami the other day, and I saw this woman that had an artificial butt. Like the most obvious artificial butt I've ever seen. Yeah, those look bad now. It was so bizarre. It was so strange. But what happened was she just went crazy. You know, she didn't say well, I want to get a little butt lift, add a little No, she went nuts. Here's

El Chapo. Watch this. Watch him walk through this. This is hilarious. He's just hanging out. Yeah, you know, just in my cell. Another day. No big deal. And then they give him like a knock, knock, knock. He goes, all right, let's fucking do this. Goes back there, steps down. Uber's here.

It's over. How the fuck? How the fuck do you not respect that? And for him, five million. Like, what a bargain. You know? It looked like he was doing that trick that people do when they walk behind a wall at their party. They go like this.

You know when your friends do that when you're drunk? The fake staircase trick. Yeah, the fake staircase. That's exactly what it looked like. That's hilarious. And he's gone. He's gone. For now.

There had to be some cooperation. That was a little too easy. I don't know why you would assume that. You know, you always think the worst of people. And I think that's one of your faults, buddy. One of my fucking strong points. When you look at that, it's like, I mean, that's about as clear an example of an inside job as you're ever going to fucking get. Nobody heard digging?

Nobody heard nothing? Nothing? Motorcycle starting up? Did you guys even notice that there's one lone house that was just built a mile away? You didn't notice? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, where was the output? Was it a house?

It was a house. I thought I heard a dirt bike starting up in El Chapo. No, no, no, no, no, nothing, my friend. I smell whiskey. They had a jug for him. The guy gets a fucking jug of whiskey or whatever was in that jug. Definitely had to be a tequila. I'm assuming it was booze.

Maybe a little water, fellas. I mean, it was a ton. It's true. Well, he had a regular cell, so they, you know, it wasn't like Goodfellas style. You know? Right. Remember those guys? The lobsters and the steaks coming in? They're slicing the garlic with the razor blade. You always knew

how to make the sauce. Yeah. That fucking sauce. I tried that after that. I tried slicing the garlic with the razor blade. It's very annoying. Yeah, it's too much work. It's so not worth it. My grandmother wouldn't even do that shit. That's the kind of shit you do. It's very annoying. Yeah, it's too much work. It's not worth it. No. It's so not worth it. My grandmother wouldn't even do that shit. That's the kind of shit you do

when you're in jail. Exactly. You know? There's no pussy. You're lost and trapped in this horrible environment where people tell you what to do every day.

Just decide to find out new ways to chop garlic. But some people did live like that, right? Yeah. Like, that's real shit. Like, you really did have, like, cordoned off areas in jails. How the fuck did they ever pull that off?

Same way El Chapo. But that's even kind of crazier, because at least El Chapo, you could kind of say you didn't know until the end. If there's a whole section of your jail... Yeah, everybody's paid off. ...that has, like, carpets over the fucking bar so you can't see in, and you smell cooking, and... Yeah.

...the guards are getting mad because they don't have fans, so they're frying steaks in there and smoke's getting everywhere. Those two guys that broke out upstate New York, in that prison you were allowed to put sheets up to block the view of the... Really? You could put sheets in the front of your cell. Yes, that was allowed. So it became like a really shitty apartment. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. I mean, how is that allowed in a prison? That was allowed. So it became like a really shitty apartment. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, how is that allowed in a prison? That doesn't seem like prison-ish. Up in Hillbillyville. I mean, what the fuck? That's got to be one of the weirdest things about being in a prison is that you don't, no one sees, you see everybody.

Like no one, no one's any privacy. You're like constantly exposed to each other. That's very unnatural. Just that alone yeah i mean you gotta but obviously you see something like this where all he had was like a little little tiny wall over the shitter like next to the shitter i don't even like shitting at fenway you know i can't imagine being in a cell with another guy three feet away there's those decisions you have to make though right like airport shits you gotta go we're just gonna do this regardless of

how disgusting it smells in there and what was in the toilet already sometimes you just gotta get rid of a package those are the worst the airports especially international terminals you got 11 different

odors coming out 11 different stuff you got curry next to you fucking coffee from Columbia it's like food court I was in Miami the other day and I had to go through immigration and when I was going through

the immigration thing there's this giant fucking line of people. And everywhere you look, there's the Ebola signs. There's these signs like, if you have an elevated temperature, don't do this, don't do that. And they have all these, there's like four or five Ebola signs right in front of me. Warning, have you been to Liberia? Have you been to, we were in Costa Rica. It's Liberia, but it's spelled Liberia? Have you been to... We were in Costa Rica. It's Liberia, but

it's spelled Liberia. So, you know, my wife is like, are we going to get Ebola? Like, is there Ebola on this fucking... No, it's Africa, Liberia. Thus, the need for borders, Joe. But what about those poor people that have Ebola? What are we, all the fucking everybody in the world that fucking...

I just don't think that we deserve it. I know you don't. You've been taught to hate this country. No, I love this country. How dare you? I just don't think that we deserve it. I know you don't. You've been taught to hate this country. No, I love this country. How dare you? But why don't you think we deserve it? Nicholas, will you hate this America country? I'm about to say that. I love this country.

I just think that other people, they're fucked. We need to help them. They're in trouble. What kind of taxes are you paying? There's not enough. There's no way. We'd be paying way more if we were actually helping Africa. Oh, that's true. That's the what we're rebuilding

You know if like if we rebuild Iraq imagine we just decided to do that just start rebuilding infrastructures of cities just without war just go in there big-time government contracts just rebuild like Liberia like Liberia if you've never seen it. There's a vice documentary on it. I have a summer home over there Inside or outside the shit way? This is like an area where people just shit on the street. You want to make sure you're not downwind of that. Yeah. Real estate prices vary.

It's like being north or south of the boulevard. Just the smells knocked on your property value? Well, Shane Smith from Vice went down there years ago, and they did this documentary on how crazy Liberia was. You'll love this. One of the things that happened in Liberia is, I believe, it was a place where they put a lot of slaves once they were set free. Once, like, American slaves went back to Africa. I think that was also a big part of Liberia.

And the government collapsed there. Like, if you're really interested in the story, don't listen to it for me because I'm gonna butcher it but Shane's vice piece kind of details where that country went wrong and You know, it's it's fucking chaos there now like they had they're serving like on these little Carts where they serve food on the side of the road They were serving human meat and you know how You didn't get that on La Cienega. The guy recognizes it because he had eaten human meat, so he knew what it tasted like, so he turned the guy in.

What part of that story was I supposed to love? You go, you'll love this, but you go into the slavery part. You loved all of it. I thought you'd be in the slavery part. You go, you'll love this, and you went right into the slavery part. Like, I'm pro-slavery. That's not what I'm saying. You'll love this, and you went right into the slavery part. Like, I'm pro-slavery. That's not what I'm saying. You love this because it's fascinating.

You love it because it's fascinating, not because you love it. I didn't say specifically why you love it. I'm just saying, everybody does that to me. They torch me with that shit. You have one too many appearances on Fox News. They're just like, Nicholas, you're our go-to guy. They won't even have me on anymore. Really?

They're like, he's just too racist. No, I'm a fucking racist I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't think you're racist. As soon as you say that I win the argument Joe. That's true. That's true I know it is true, right? That's one of the first you're racist or sexist or you're misogynist Like oh shit by the way all words that were made up. They're not even part of fucking Latin They were made up for the causes. I don't know if you know that. I'm a fan of America. We don't go by Latin language. We have American English. We're done with that Latin shit.

We add on to it as we like. That's right. Cisgender. You got to start adapting that. Don't you understand what that means? Cisgender? Do you know what that means? No.

That means if you are heterosexual and you are the gender of your birth. So if you are a heterosexual white man, you are a cisgendered white man. What does that mean? Exactly. Let's just adopt it. Let's get something straight. Let's add it on.

Exactly. Let's keep adding them on. I like it. And gender is not a social construct. Can we get that out of the fucking... How dare you? Some girl was sucking my social construct last night. Oh!

Stick that in your fucking lesbian pipe. The garlic and the sauce. Oh, yeah. How fucking outrageous a statement by Nick DiPaolo. Gender's definitely not a social construct. There's males and females. But there's also a spectrum there's males and females. Exactly. But there's also a spectrum inside that male and female.

And there's women who are men or men are women. Absolutely. I think that's absolutely real. Absolutely. I don't think you can deny it at a certain point in time, right? No, that's just biology. But I'll say cisgender just because it's fun. Just because I feel silly saying it.

It's got the word cis in it. It almost sounds like a pro-lesbian thing. Mm. Yeah. Cisgender like a pro-lesbian thing. Yeah. Cis gender. Yeah. I'm bro gender. Bro gendered?

That's a guy who wants things the old-fashioned way. No, that's a reactionary. Yeah, reactionary, I used to think, is just someone who reacts to things quickly. Everybody did. It's a right wing. It's reacting to things in a right wing slant. Because somebody said that about my act, about me being a reactionary.

Like, what do they mean? Does he mean I jumped down the throats of hecklers? Well, it sounds like that's what it should mean. That's exactly right. That's what everybody thinks initially. That's one of those weird words. Like, how do they make up a new word? Why do you have the same word as reaction? Cis-reaction.

You know what I'm saying? I mean, like, you already have reaction. We all know what that means. And everybody knows what airy means. You add it, you're doing it, right? You're reactionary. What are you doing? Why are you making a new definition, you fuck?

Why am I looking at you? Like Brian made a dictionary. I know, Brian was yelling at Webster over there. I tried to say one-thousandth. That's good. One-thousandth. That is not easy. One-thousandth. And I can't do it. One-th one thousandth. That's a good way. One thousandth. That is not easy. One thousandth.

And I can't do it. One thousandth. One thousandth. Yeah, I had to think about that. Can you do that? What? One thousandth. One thousandth.

That's not easy. That's a weird one. You did. You totally did. See, I just fucked it up. Right, but you had to concentrate. One thousandth. Yeah.

Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it's a weird one. What if you had a hair left? It's a real bitch. Yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah, it's a weird one. What if he had a hair lip? It's a real bitch. I was like freaking out for a half hour last night. I thought it was... Is Jacques-Een Phoenix, is he like the most successful hair lip guy ever?

Or is it the guy who was Stacy Keach? Which guy? Has that ever been asked? That's the best question I've ever heard. I think it's a good question. Stacy Keach is right. Stacy Keach, he had a hair lip too. He's dead, right?

He just died? I believe he did. He did, He just died? I believe he did. He did, didn't he? I believe he did. Or am I confusing? I always confuse Stacey Keach. What was that show he was on? He's been on a lot of stuff.

He had a detective show. Oh, wait a minute. I think Keach is alive. I'm confused, and I'm with a guy that was- Jamie will find out. Is he alive? Yeah. All right, Stacey.

He does the ONA introductions for Opie and Anthony. I didn't know that. Yes. Is he alive? Yeah. All right, Stacey. He does the ONA introductions for Opie and Anthony. I didn't know that. Yes. Is that right? Yes. See if you can find Stacey Keech reading Opie and Anthony introductions, because it's fucking awesome. I always confuse him with a guy that was in, you know what, with De Niro and Charles Grodin. You know, the road movie.

Fuck, man. Midnight Run. Yeah. What's the guy's name? He reminds me of Stacy Keach, a handsome guy who just died. He's dead, by the way, with a mustache that played the bad guy, Serrano.

What the fuck? This is what happens when I sleep two hours a night. I'm like... Do you remember his name, Eric? No? Making some motions over there. I was going to go to you. Go to my backup guy.

There's a few of those guys like that. Like, Stacey Keach was always in those... Charles Groten? No, not Groten. The guy that played the bad guy. He's been in every... Dennis Farina. Yes, Dennis Farina. He just died a little while ago. Yeah, he died. He died. Which shocked me. He looked like a healthy, handsome guy who was going to live forever.

He did. I wasn't being sarcastic. He did look healthy. He was sarcastic. He did look healthy. He was very vibrant. He was a Chicago cop in real life before he became an actor. Probably the stress. You're probably right. Probably drank like a fish, right?

Well, I was talking to this lady yesterday, Dr. Rhonda Patrick. She's a brilliant doctor, and she was talking about the effects of aging, on the effects of partying, drinking, and just bad health, and how much it can age your body, age literally your biological body. I don't know why I'm looking at you. But Dennis Farina. I'm going to try that. I'm 41 next week.

But Dennis Farina. It's good stuff. But Dennis Farina. I'm afraid to freak out in here. No, you'll be all right. You sure? We're friends. We'll be together.

I'll hold your hand. You sure? We're friends. We'll be together. I'll hold your hand. But Dennis Farina, by going through all those years as a cop, you've got to think the fucking stress of that. You pay for that. You pay for that for a long time.

Yeah. But that's one of the reasons why he was so believable. Like in Snatch. That's right. How good was he in Snatch? Oh, that's right. He was in Snatch, yeah. You believe, even though he was sort of tongue in cheek while he was doing it, he was still on board that he was that fucking guy. You know?

Yeah, he was a good actor, man. Yeah. Yeah, he bummed me out. I was kind of shocked. That was a bummer. But listen to this Stacey Keach thing. This is the Stacey Keach, Opie, and Anthony thing. New York City, 6 a.m.

An out-of-control satellite radio show is being broadcasted to millions of Americans. Here we go. Here's the bit at the controls reg hughes the father i would love to say we have the best job in america anthony cumia an alcoholic it could be the best thing ever and jim norton a comedian out loud laughs how do we explain the show we should start there oh here it is the three men make up the opie and anthony show a popular radio program known for its cringy style of entertainment and having very few limits.

Oh, shit. This is a freak show. Why would anybody want to come on this show as a guest? Under the right circumstances, something weird could happen. I don't give a fuck. Laugh out loud funny. Which I love. That's what I love.

In the past, they have been accused of multiple FCC violations and have even gotten their show suspended from satellite radio. When you listen to our show, you know what you get. You know what we are. Everything has to do with cock or balls. You know, the jokes all end up talking about cock and balls. You're a waste of life. Fucking listeners, go fucking die.

Everything you are about to hear is real. Real people, real excitement. Get ready to experience the thrill of a lifetime. This is the Opie and Anthony Show. So powerful. That's a good voice. That's about as good an intro as any radio guy's ever gotten ever. Fuck yeah.

Just have Stacy Keach read your intro like that. I didn't know that. Joe Rogan started his podcast five years ago. Well, I started that podcast because of Opie and Anthony. Is that right? Yeah, Brian and I, we had done some other shit before. We had done like Justin TV, and we had done like these little things where you'd do like a little live read off the laptop camera and talk to people and answer Twitter questions

and shit. We had fucked around with that a few times. But when Anthony set up his green screen in his basement and started doing that live from the compound show, I was like, whoa. And Tom Green. Tom Green's house. He had it in his house. Tom had it in his house.

Insane. He had servers in his house. Like those fucking long, giant fucking sewer cables running through his living room oh he had the whole deal he had a whole server room you would go in the room it was everything like those those hums oh jesus fans and shit you're like whoa i talked to him monday i had him on a show and uh he meets at this donut place now he has a studio now in burbank he moved it out of his house and he meets at this donut place next door for his studio audience. He's like, he'll periscope and

go, anyone who comes to this donut place, you can be a part of my studio audience. And then they all go over to his studio and they do the show in front of people, you know, just complete strangers he meets at a donut place. That's perfect for him. Yeah. Yeah, he was a super pioneer. Tom Green's show, that fucking original MTV show,

very, very underrated show. Yeah. He's a pioneer. Yeah, he's a funny fucker. And a good show, that fucking original MTV show, very, very underrated show. Yeah. He's a pioneer. Yeah, he's a funny fucker. And a good dude, man. Yeah. Very, very good dude. Yeah.

He's a good dude. We need more of them down here. I think I did a, I think he was on that fucking Celebrity Pool show that I did. Yeah. Was he on that too? I have that. And that girl from Mad TV? That's hilarious.

Yeah, he's just, yeah, he was on that I'm pretty sure he said he's always been like a really cool dude You know just some interesting weird guy You know what didn't start doing stand-up until later in life and got really good Like he had a Showtime special and I was sitting in front of the TV And I think he'd only been doing stand-up like four or five years and it was funny. It was funny It was well written. It was well put together. He had really good points. There's a bit about texting, what people's thumbs are going to look like and how they're going to change.

It was fucking hilarious. It was really good. It was like well acted out. I was like, this guy looks like a 10 year comic, but it's just because he had done so many other things. He was like really used to performing. Comfortable in front of people. Yeah.

Yeah. Tom Green's a bad motherfucker. He killed it Monday, man. He had the crowd like going crazy. He did like Monday, man. He had the crowd going crazy. He did a 25-minute set, too, on the show. I'm sure. He's an animal. He's good.

He's working hard, too. That's another thing about that guy. He's always doing something. He's always working. He doesn't rest. He's always trying to improve things. So him, that definitely influenced us. But Opie and Anthony did by the way they held their show.

They were the only show that I ever went on that was a hang. That's right. I brought guys in. I'm like, hey, this is my friend Eddie. This is my friend Brian. This is my friend Joey. This is my friend Ari. I brought guys in.

And they were like, who's this guy? Bring him in. And they're just so cool like that. What they did was they turned it into a fun place to hang out. So everybody got funnier because of that. It was way like Patrice, the kind of shit Patrice did on ONA. You literally could not have done that on any other radio format because people had to know Patrice, give him the room,

let him get these rants out. You had to know when the rants are coming, you got to help him along, and you got to not want to be the center of attention. They had the best control of the room. Because Opie would just lay back. Literally, you'd see him push back and let Norton and Patrice and you, you guys would all be fucking yelling at each other. It would be hilarious.

Well, it's smart, actually. I mean, when you've been doing radio that long, trust me. There's nothing better than having good guests where you can sit back and let them, because you're tired of carrying this shit. But think about how few shows are ever like that. That's right. Right? No, it's a great recipe. So few shows.

Yeah. When you did that show with Artie, did they have like a format they had you guys stick to, the radio show? Well, yeah, because that was a unique situation, because we were also on TV. Right. Simulcast, a direct TV. That was weird. So there had to be more structure,

which to me was the problem. And I already wanted less structure, too. The minute TV got involved, which is where they allowed us to get paid what we did and stuff, but it takes kind of the fucking craziness. You can get away with a lot of shit on radio. You can get away with a lot of shit on radio, and you can get away with a lot of shit on the Internet. And when a lot of it away with a lot of shit on radio and you can get a lot of away with a lot of shit on the internet and when you look at like something

that's on direct tv like that like boys isn't there a better way to advertise can you guys have just like a ticker at the bottom like wouldn't that be a better way to advertise it just seems like breaking it up and doing every 15 minutes you do like however long it is like seven minutes or eight minutes off the air where it's just bullshit and commercials. Then you come back. It breaks up the whole flow. Like conversations, like the best conversations, like this conversation. Like we're having fun.

It's organic and it keeps going. Yeah. We're banging. If we go, all right, we'll be right back. We have a word from, and then we'd have to start all over again. It is. It's momentum and rhythm. You're right.

It's like the difference between driving on the highway and taking side roads like if you took side roads there's an open highway next to you you're an asshole like what are you doing you know but some people they take the side roads side roads driving motherfuckers i'll tell you that that that ways app do you have that on your phone it's amazing because i you know i lived out here 15 years ago i don't remember the streets of the fucker i've been relying on this thing all week it's been taking me around traffic you know i'm supposed to be on the 101 it kicks me off and i'm looking at people sitting in traffic and like you said up over hills and shit but i'm still moving it's incredible i'd rather move and be late but you're not even late it gets you there faster i mean it's fucking unbelievable it's amazing do you hear what they're doing though some people in neighborhoods are

pissed off because that sometimes ways will direct it through their neighborhoods. So now these people in neighborhoods are putting fake, like, reports on Waze. Yeah, once again, selfishness rubs fucking wounds. Goddamn selfish motherfuckers, Nick DiPaolo. A little traffic in the fucking Bel Air area. Get the fuck... Yeah, well, do you remember when the... And cops, too.

Oh, yeah. Cops are pissed because it lets people know where the cops are and seeing as, you know, it seems to be open season on there. Well, cops are faking it. That's a legitimate point. Cops are faking it. They're, like, putting fake cop, like, warnings up in spots. Is that what they're doing?

So people are, like, looking around everywhere. Good. They're fighting back now? Is that where we are? Well, they're fighting back with deception. I don't think that should be legal because it's our tax dollars. I don't want to pay tax dollars if somebody's fucking lying to me. That's bullshit.

You're lying to Waze? How dare you? It's like this shit that's going on. What was this other case? Oh, PETA and SeaWorld. That a SeaWorld guy had infiltrated PETA and was working from the inside at PETA to try to destroy PETA, saying a bunch of ridiculous shit, and he was an employee of SeaWorld. Is that right?

Oh, man. That would be a good documentary. I hope I'm getting that right. Let me make sure I'm getting that right, because it might be the other way around. SeaWorld employee. Either way, it would make for a great movie. Yeah, right? Yeah.

That would be like a good Jim Carrey movie. Yeah. Are you guys ready for Divorce Fest this year? Once the Ashley Madison passwords get put into a searchable database online? Yeah, it's going to cause a wave of shit. It's going to be crazy. We finally let gay people marry each other. Got that right.

Now, regular marriage is fucked. Turn it to a nightmare. Yeah, it is. I'm looking at all my friends wives going huh that's why i stick to whacking it it's good we'll move it's good move it's way safer peter says undercover sea world employee poses animal rights activist so i did have it right that's hilarious really overzealous sea world employee like paul blart mall cop style. Jeez.

That would be a great movie, dude. It would. You're right. Come on. You got juice. Call somebody. You know, if I was in the movie world, I would call somebody. Melissa McCarthy will be the whale.

Oh, how dare you. I love her. I think she's the funniest woman around. She's very funny. Great. She's very physically funny, for sure. She's very talented. Yeah. It's funny, because Billy Gardell is funny, for sure. She's very talented. Yeah.

It's funny, because Billy Gardell is a funny comic. You know Billy, right? Yeah, yeah. They don't, like, on the show, he's almost like a straight guy. Of course. Wouldn't want the husband getting one over on the wife, would you, Joe? They don't allow that, Nick DiPaolo. Of course not.

Why is that? What's up with that? Because jerk-offs run Hollywood. Is that what it is? Yeah. Is that what people want to see that what people want to see? Do people want to see that? No, they don't want to see that.

You don't want to see that. Fucking Hollywood's been hijacked by fucking feminists. Wow. You really think so? Am I wrong there? If you guys can't relate to that, I'm fucking leaving. I think that what they are... You haven't noticed the pattern of emasculation in movies in the last 20 years?

I think there's people that are seriously concerned with coming off as progressive. And even if they think differently than what would be the progressive choice they will make the progressive choice because they get like social brownie points i definitely think that's true but i don't think that pertains to sitcoms i think like it's not as funny if the dude gets over on the chick for some reason come on this is a true story when i hear i might have told you this on the last time i was here okay i had a deal with uh this was years ago at dennis larry's company oh yeah we come out here and take a bunch

of meetings and for like you know they had a sitcom idea and first of all every meeting 75 percent of the room was female executives and the first question in every meeting was what's the wife's role every fucking one so by the time we got to NBC, which was the last one, and I had fucking had it. And they're like, so what's the wife? I go, and again, I was just kidding. But I go, I don't know. I see like in the pilot, she's pregnant. And I push her down the cellar stairs.

And I'm expecting like Dennis to stop laughing and Serpico, Jimmy Serpico. And they all just look at me. You could have fucking heard a pin. So the next day, Jimmy Serpico had to send a dozen roses to the lady from NBC. Oh my God. You wonder why I can't get a gig?

Thank God you threw me a news radio and a few grades on the fires. I'd still be using my fucking, you know, my high school acting. You almost got fucked out of the news radio gig. Remember, we had to go back and get you.

That was hilarious, man. There was some shenanigans behind the scenes. Somebody was trying to get their friend in on the part that Nick was playing, and I had cast Nick

as my one brother and Callan as my other brother. I'm like, if you want it to be funny, how about I bring you two really funny stand-ups that I'm actually friends with? Like, let's just do it this way. And so,. I'm like, if you want it to be funny, how about I bring you two really funny stand-ups that I'm actually friends with? Like, let's just do it this way.

And so Paul Sims was like, yeah, fuck it. Perfect. Like, he saw you. He'd seen some stand-ups. He's like, this guy's hilarious. Perfect. Bring him in. And so you came in, and all of a sudden, you know, Nick calls me up and goes, I guess I

didn't get the fucking job. I don't know what happened. I went, what? And we had to go back down there, and they had cast somebody else. We made them switch it around. I didn't even get home and call you. You came running out. Yeah.

Remember, I was walking to my car. That's right. That's right. I was walking to my car going, there's another one down the fucking toilet. I'll be back in Boston in another six weeks if this keeps up. And Joe comes running out of nowhere and goes, they fucked up the... And then I'm going, now I'm saying, thinking to myself, is Joe just being a great guy? I don't want to fuck over a guy who actually was better than me in the audition.

No. I didn't, you know? No, no, it wasn't that at all. It wasn't that at all. You was already decided. See, I didn't know that. Somebody snuck in. It was the decision was made by Paul, who was the executive producer.

He thought you were hilarious. And he loved the idea since we're already friends. Like, this would be perfect. Don't know each each other and we look like we could be brothers We have this antagonistic relationship on the show with you know Callan and I beat the fuck out of each other He throws me through a glass window was like stupid. It's fun. I got run through like one of those candy glasses You don't even feel it man. It's just like this if it dissolves you go flying you hit it and it just dissolves It's real weird like you're waiting to get cut open you know you're waiting like oh it's gonna be ugly and just remember that yeah that was fun and we had another scene where we supposed to i don't know if we were beating you up or one of the brothers but we were hitting you with a glass

coffee pot over the head and we started stomping on you and they watched it through the thing and they go it looks like goodfellas looks like looks like you're killing somebody. Apparently I was too Italian for this. I had the suit jacket on. I'm doing this like De Niro. I'm stomping on the glass fake glass coffee pot. That was awesome. That sugar glass. Yeah, that was fun. I forgot about that. You know, it's funny how

your memory fucks with you. Well, that's weed, Joe. No, no, no, no. 20 years. That was 20 years ago. Really? I don't want to hear that isn't that crazy I think it was no you're right I moved out now I was out in LA in 95 to 99 so it was one of those years and that's what I can't believe I'm driving around out here I'm looking at people who were my age when I came up yeah the site guys used to look at me out here. They don't even look at me now.

Even gay guys, I get offended. We can work on a few things, and we can get it back. We can get it back. You're a handsome guy. P90X it again. Last time you were here, you were telling me about you did the P90X. You lost a ton of weight. I did.

You got a real fit. I did that. You know, I was supposed to do it for three months. I did it for like 13 months and turned my hips into fucking fine powder. So now I'm doing Sean T. I'm doing Sean T. 30 minute insanity. You gotta stay with it. You gotta stay focused.

You gotta stay with it. You gotta stay focused. What's better? P90X or that? Is this all body weight? Is that what it is? Yeah, there's no way. You know what, Joe? It's pretty close. I did this insanity thing. But you know what? what i like it and here's the funny thing joe here's the hilarious thing i'm doing this and everybody i figured everybody in the video is

in their 20s and you know at old 30 at the oldest and uh so i'm doing a lot of the modified exercises you know they always have the fat chick in the front that's doing modified i just everybody else is doing like one one-hour push-ups and me and catherine are going like this oh yeah i go this will get me in shape by 2046. like but you know what it gets your heart rate through the roof i mean and and uh i just do it to maintain now i mean but it worked i mean it's uh i don't know you can get really good workouts from bodyweight exercises yes there's a bunch of them that you can do. There's like a bunch of full bodyweight routines that you can do that are fucking incredible. They'll kill you.

They break you down. Yeah, these have the, you know, you're doing those burpee pushups and suicides and 30 minutes with it, you know, and you get a break like every five minutes, you get like a 10 second break. And it keeps my, you know, it allows me to have cigarettes after i work on you could do that on the xbox with the camera that records you so it tells you it knows if you're not doing the arm high enough oh fun and it tracks how much like you're what your person is and stuff i look at my belly if you want to see that don't tell me i'm not doing it right i've always said

that that was that would be a really good way to teach martial arts they have that one of those do they have it like yeah they teach it they have they have all that stuff now and it uses the body like body tracking and it can tell like how how much calories you've burned and it's it's really cool that i would like what i mean is like to teach you because if um if you did an instructional and you're showing a guy like how to throw a kick if you put it on um a computer where the lines of the guy's legs were clearly defined you would know if his like knee wasn't high enough or if his hands were down or if his back was is this it right here ufc has quick workout with greg jackson oh and so the

one on the right is the guy the little thing in the triangle is the guy yeah i didn't even see that that's you that's like the little video of you and see wow that's crazy and it's like what infrared or something like that so i could tell where your hot spots are. It reads your heart rate, too. Oh, my God. By looking at you? Yeah, Xbox One. What?

Yeah. Are you shitting me? It reads your heart rate by looking at you? It's thermal camera. That's insane. And we can't beat ISIS, really? Are you fucking shitting me? Okay, it's because we don't want to beat ISIS.

Okay. We want to keep an enemy out there. Maybe. Do you think that? No. Oh, it's because we don't want to be nicest. We want to keep an enemy out there. Maybe. Do you think that? No. Here's Frank Mir right here. UFC personal trainer hitting the mitts with Frank Mir. Oh, wow.

Look at this. You throw your punches at his hands. How many people are going to punch their fucking TV? This is a terrible idea. You're not standing close to your TV. How many people have punched their punch their fucking TV? This is a terrible idea. You're not standing close to your TV. How many people have punched their TV since this came out? People do stand close to their TV, man. Quack, quack, quack, quack.

It's a good idea. I think the way it would be better, though, is if it was a split screen and your character was much larger. Right now, it's that little green guy that was on the Flintstones sitting on your show. Kazoo. Kazoo. I forgot about Kazoo. That's what it looks like. That's exactly what it looks like. Kazoo. You remember

Kazoo? Yeah. That's hilarious. Who did the voice of Kazoo? I know you can find that in two seconds. I remember. I feel like I used to know that, too. I know. I'm doing Kermit. Is that you? Yes, it's me right here.

I'm on the shorter note. That's not it. That's kind of like a... Maybe like less gay? Yeah. The great Kazoo. I'm over here. Less, less, less.

I think it's more gay, actually. Who did the voice? Harvey. Harvey Korman. Oh, Harvey Korman from the Carol Burnett Show. Oh, wow. Remember him? Yeah.

Funny motherfucker. That was a great fucking show. He's been gone a while, too. Think about that, man. Something like the Carol Burnett Show. That was a show back when there was only like three shows. That's right. Exactly.

And they were good. They were very good. The Honeymooners is a good fucking show. Awesome. For like that kind of a sitcom, it is a good fucking show. My wife, she DVRs the Carol Benet show now. I watch the couples laughing my balls off. They're good, man.

I mean, the writing is funny and smart. What's up? Do you want to hear his voice? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Wait, that's...

I don't know what's going on there. Listen to it first. That's a song. The Great Gazoo song. Oh, Lucille Ball. That's another fucking... I Love Lucy was a great fucking show. Yeah, I liked the dialogue between her and her husband,

but when it got into the silly shit with her falling into chocolate and shit, which is what made her famous. You didn't think that was hilarious? I don't know. She lost me a little bit there. I did. But well-written show. And he came up with it.

The camera, the three-camera shoot thing. That was back when it was okay for a white chick to bang a Cuban guy, too. Yeah. They can't do it in there? They get beat up by it.

Well, Cuba was, like, sophisticated. Like, in the 50s, in the 60s. Yes. The hotels. People would go down there on vacation. It was very mobbed up. You know, they would go down there and gamble. It was a wild place.

So a guy from Cuba was like a romantic guy. Like a guy was a fucking musician from Cuba was like, whoa, this guy is like exciting. He's exotic. You know, it was like a good thing for her to be getting this guy with this funky accent. You know it was like a good thing for her to be writing this guy with this funky accent Whereas from then on from from the embargo on it became you know this enemy that lived off our shores And the Castro years and all that crazy shit and Bay of Pigs and the fucking Russian missiles where they're Putting missiles in Cuba facing America make like fucking crazy. Yeah. And that was all post I Love Lucy,

which is pretty fucking fascinating. I blame it on her, now that you mention it. Now you feel like I really put it together. That Fred Mertz, I'll tell you, he was a real anti-Cuban guy. I saw Carol Burnett last year. I saw her in a restaurant.

Did you really? She's hanging in there. Carol Burnett's hanging in there. She looked good, man. She's still alive? Yeah. She looked very healthy. Very healthy.

Very vibrant. Talking to the waitress. She was on a talk show. She did. She looked... She's got to be over 80. She's got to be. Way over 80.

And how about Betty White? She's 82. She's 82? I just saw Betty White jogging by this building like 10 minutes ago. For real? No. Yeah. That's how you know when things are bad for you. Do 80-year-old ladies do it?

Yeah. Then don't do it. Exactly. I used to make fun of these workouts. People jumping around in the living room. I go, how the fuck are these people really going to get in shape? I do this. Now I live for it.

You love those things. You do. My problem, and you know this, Joe, when you get your heart rate up, for the next two days, I'm starving. Right. I can't stop. And I have no willpower. My wife, she's one of these people that, you know, fucking eats anything and doesn't gain weight. And I can't go to bed until I eat, like, you know, three sandwiches.

Like a pig? I can't help myself. What do you do? Does weed kill the hunger? No, no, not at all. Coke? Do I have to go back to doing Coke? No.

Then I wouldn't have to exercise if I did that. I think it's just about moderation. You've got to give yourself moderation. Give yourself one night a week where you really go off and you're allowed to have sandwiches, you're allowed to fucking stay up and eat cookies and milk. That's what I do. I'll have like a night a week where I just eat like a fucking slob in front of the TV.

But that's like going, you know, that's like going, you know, get a nice blowjob and then fucking no more blowjobs for another six days. So you need it again. You need those cookies again. I have no willpower. I don't eat cookies and shit. I don't like, but... What do you eat? What's your thing? I don't know.

Pastrami. Pastrami. Pastrami. No, I'm not even like a junk food guy, but my wife is. I open the thing and there's a fucking eight pound bag of smart cheddar popcorn. I love cooking for myself late at night. Everyone's asleep. I cook all the time. Sometimes I'll just cook a full meal for myself.

Late at night? Late at night. Two o'clock in the morning. I'll make vegetables. I'll make some pasta. I'm like, pasta Mike why not what is there a fucking I'm a grown ass man and you're gonna work out the next day yeah damn it no you're right life's too short yeah why not no I'm a fucking comic if I want to be up at two o'clock in the morning and that's I never went to bed before four o'clock in the morning until I was almost 30 years old. Yeah, no, I'm the same way. Unless I had to work. Even now, though. Do you make proper meals?

Or do you make, like, inventions of, like... Well, sometimes it's bullshit. You know, sometimes I'll do a blue apron. I'll do one of those blue apron meals. You ever seen that? It's one of my sponsors. I'm not trying to work in a sponsor. No, I know.

You don't like that. It's great. They give you this detailed directions for how to cook something with photographs and all the right portions, all the right food in the right portions. And you just cook it. You just follow it. It's idiot-proof. And it's great. You don't have to measure anything. You just say, oh, next step, open that packet, throw that in there,

mix that up, and then put the fish on the grill. Yeah, see, you're making a nice fish in the grill at two in the morning. I'm making a six-pound bourgeois, which is, you know, stuff with mozzarella and salami. My favorite thing is grilling meat in my underwear late at night. the morning. I'm making a six-pound bourgeois, which is, you know, stuff with mozzarella and salami. My favorite thing is grilling meat in my underwear late at night.

Fuck underwear. I just... Fuck underwear? Your dick must be scarred to shit. Yeah, the hot splatters. I want to protect my balls and shaft at the very least. Everything else.

Like, I'll deal with a little hot grease splatter on my stomach. It looks sexy. More wounds. Do you still do the kettlebell thing? Yeah, I still deal with a little hot grease splatter on my stomach. It looks sexy. More wounds. Do you still do the kettlebell thing? Yeah, I still do that. You look good.

Thank you. You look great, brother. You look too. There's a great video I do called the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workout. It's this one little kettlebell. You can do it like a 35-pounder, or if you want to get crazy, go to 45 pounds. So it's not a heavy weight. Swing and a P. Diddy's kid?

No, he swung at the coach. i know that was almost perfect i was in such a rush to get it out i put you there this goddamn coffee is delicious i'm on my fifth pot i'm gonna have to take a hit of that giant slum it might not slow you down is that right might turn so did P. Did he not he didn't make contact no he swung it Yeah, just being his level-headed self. Yeah You know how's that work? That's not good You know he's a dog drop. Yeah, they dropped the chair coach. They didn't want to press charges for him Yeah, which probably means a big huge thing of cash Yeah Pains, a big, huge thing of cash. God fucking. Yeah.

And that coach has had a bit of a history himself. Like, he's the guy that tripped the guy on the sideline when he was coaching for the Jets. Oh, really? Against the Miami Dolphins. The guy was covering a punt. And, you know, he ran out of bounds. And this coach sticks his foot out. They got him on slow motion tripping the guy. That's hilarious.

I kind of like a guy for that. I don't know why. That sounds like a real fun guy to have coach. Yeah. Sounds like it would be really hard not to beat. That's hilarious. I kind of like a guy for that. I don't know why. That sounds like a real fun guy to have coach. Yeah. Sounds like it'd be really hard not to beat that guy's ass. It's like Sal Ayanuz or some Italian guy from Long Island. I don't know. I know almost nothing about sports, unfortunately.

And when Artie came on to do the podcast, he was so upset with me. He was so upset with me. It was like I told him i was i turned vegan and you know started no no but i mean it was like that he was like what really you don't follow anything i was like no i don't follow anything not baseball like he's like he was incredulous he's like there's no way well you're a ufc guy you got enough going on don't you i mean that's the fucking hottest sport going. Well, I watch professional pool.

It's not like I'm not into stupid shit. I just don't have enough time for any other things. Did you play him in pool? Because he can shoot. He plays good. I know. He played good, yeah. He's hustling people like a Newark when he was 12.

That's what he said. I believe him. He plays good. Artie's a fun dude, man. Absolutely. He's a funny fucking dude. him he plays good Artie's a fun dude man absolutely funny fucking dude he was a perfect example of uh a great joke that you know people didn't just cry too soon they they said you can't even say this and this was when um Artie said that he was banging this black chick and he goes in the

middle of it she goes I can't breathe breathe. He goes, hey, honey, let's not make this political. And this is right after Eric Garner was killed. Well, that's why it's funny. I mean, it was fucking hilarious. And so many people were mad at him. I could not stop laughing when I heard it. I could not stop laughing. Not because I think it's funny that the guy got choked. I'm 100% against that.

But that is a goddamn funny joke. That's why it's funny. And if you know, think it's funny that the guy got choked. I'm 100% against that. But that is a goddamn funny joke. That's why that's funny. And if you can't see the funny in that, it's either because you're friends with Eric Gardner or you're an asshole. Right. That's it. Yeah. That's it.

You don't think that's funny? Come on, that's fucking funny. Fucking hilarious. Absolutely. That's Artie. He's a fucking character, man. Let me ask you something, Joe. Have you ever played, I'm doing this club tonight, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. It's really good. I'm doing that next month. Artie's he's a fucking character, man. Let me ask you something, Joe. Have you ever played, I'm doing this club tonight, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club.

It's really good. We're doing that next month. It's really good. I think Callan, no, I haven't done it. Callan just did it, though. Oh, he did? He said it was amazing. It was Callan?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Callan. Okay. Or Duncan? Who the fuck did it? I don't know. I think it was Callan. Yeah. But I've heard great things.

Yeah, I'm there next month. That area is very ignored. Like Ventura and into Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara's very ignored. That's what worries me. It's a great spot. No, I'm there next month. That area is very ignored. Like Ventura and into Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara's very ignored. That's what worries me. It's a great spot. No, it's cool. No, I mean ignored by comics. Is that right?

Yeah, fucking Santa Barbara's one of the best places. You know, and if you go down there, they don't- Well, it's not that far up, thank God. No, Santa Barbara's an hour from here. No, but this isn't Ventura. This isn't Ventura. Ventura's close. Yeah.

It's 45 minutes. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, 45 minutes. That's a good spot, man. Yeah. You know, they're doing a levity out there. They're going to do a levity out in that area. Are they really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it the other day. I was driving by. Maybe they'll let me do the one that's 20 minutes from my fucking house. Maybe they'll do it. Are you going to live here again? No, there's one. I live in Westchester County, New York.

I thought you meant out here. And you go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. It's literally the Levity Live there at the mall. It's like 22 minutes from me. And I haven't done a weekend yet. Never? Nope. How dare they?

Oh, they have problems. But I'm doing one in January, finally. Jesus Christ, Levity Live. Oh, you're booked. You are booked. In January. But for the first time. I should have done it eight times.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Fucking. I mean, I did Wednesdays there, which is... Have you been in that one? No, I haven't been there. Dude. Great. I went over there going, oh, Jesus, that's what we need, another club and a mall. You walk in there, it is fucking gorgeous.

The sound system is as good as anything I've ever talked into in my life. And it's just a gorgeous club. I'm plugging you guys. Thank you guys. You've been booking me for three years. You're welcome. Best sound system I've ever heard in a club or any place is that Terry Fedor theater at the Mirage where everybody performs. If it's over 400 seats, I don't know about it. Diaz was on stage, and I was in the back of the room, and I could hear him crystal clear.

Because, you know, they designed that for the Terry Fedor guy, the ventriloquist. If you're a ventriloquist like clear sound is super important so the whole room is just like sound engineered it's amazing i never thought of that before so like a club like laugh boston had a problem when they first opened they fixed it i worked there and it was great yeah but before they had like an acoustic problem i think you told me that somebody told me that and they fixed it too i think it was ari i think it was ari because ari told me that. Somebody told me that, and then they fixed it, too. I think it was Ari. I think it was Ari. Because Ari told me. I had never worked there, but Ari worked there in the beginning. It was like, you know, some problems here.

Like, people are struggling to hear shit. Yeah. That's the worst. Have you ever done a gig like that? Oh, yeah. You've done, like, those Boston comedy gigs? Well, the improvs. Like, in Pittsburgh, you could hit fungos in there and fucking practice punting, and

you couldn't hit the ceiling. They're like, the key to a good comedy club and how people who open comedy clubs don't know this at this point yeah because comedy clubs been around for fucking ever is a low ceiling yes the first thing you want it keeps the energy in the room in the comics face and the audience's face that's the first thing you do i get to the improv a couple years ago like in somewhere in pittsburgh i'm like hello hello i sounded like lou gehrig doing that speech when he's, I'm the luckiest man, man, man, on the face of the earth. And they couldn't understand me, Joe, between my Boston accent and between the fucking echoing.

It was like I was playing to like 400 Guatemalans. They're just staring at me going, I don't understand this person. That's the worst. Then I'd just go, Jack Lambert. The whole crowd would go nuts. It's the worst when they can't hear you. It's the most frustrating thing, but one of the most frustrating things about being a comic.

How about when you can't hear yourself? Like the monitors aren't working or something? That's bad. It's like talking into a dead microphone. That really fucks me up. You have to scream a whole show. I did a show in Vegas once where I had to scream my whole show because they couldn't hear me because it was such so echoey and stuff by the time i was done i was like couldn't didn't even have a voice anymore but sometimes when the monitor

and you can't hear yourself so you you tend to talk louder but they can hear you right maybe that was it too yeah that happens too though people like what do you why is he yelling screaming i did a bachelor party once and i had like a little carry-on speaker a little tiny like a one of those things you would plug into like a guitar to practice in the basement that was the what they had they had a speaker and they had a cord that was plugged into it and this really tinny microphone and i'm standing right in front of the guys they're like right where you are and i'm holding a microphone i'm like why do i even have a microphone you guys are right. This is the most ridiculous fucking show of all time. Just standing in a bar in a basement somewhere in Boston doing comedy, holding a microphone,

looking at guys right in front of me. My voice is loud. For some reason, it's so stupid. Didn't you do a gig? You did a gig, one of those Boston gigs. There was a disco where they would clear out the dance floor in Quincy

yes yes did you get in a fight with somebody there no no probably I don't think there were

any punches thrown that was the rumor the rumor was that Nick beat the shit out of somebody no no I've been in two fights and we talked about this last time I've been in two fights

in my life and as far as comedy and they were both clubs called Giggles oh that's right one was in Seattle and one was as comedy, and they were both at clubs called Giggles. Oh, that's right. One was in Seattle, and one was in Saugus. They had nothing to do with each other. That's hilarious.

That's telling you something. I shouldn't be at a place called Giggles. Yeah, but I know the one you're talking about. I'd heard the gig. In Quincy. It was a one-nighter. We all did it. Yeah.

And like you said, the people be dancing and shit. All of a sudden, you hear the needle go across the record. And all of a sudden, they put a bag over the crystal ball that's spinning over the dance floor. And here comes Joe Rogan. And people are still dancing. Fucking, you know. They turn off. They wouldn't even tell

the people there's a comedy show. They didn't even know there was going to be a comedy show. And you're up there, how are you folks? They're like, fuck you, we want to dance. It's so stupid. They did so many of those. And good comics would do it. I remember Jonathan Katz talking about it, and Barry Crimmins. You needed the money.

If you needed the money, and you lived in Boston, it's an easy gig. You drive an hour, you make 200 bucks. That's right. And you could do, in the 80s, you could do, Christ, like 18 months in, I was closing two or three rooms on a Friday night, coming home with six, seven hundred dollars in cash. It was craziness. Can you imagine that?

There were so many outside booking agents, between Billy Downs and Barry, and then there was a bunch of other smaller ones, and there was like Sherry Hirsch and Norm LeFoe. They had gigs like in Western Massachusetts, and John Shuler, if you wanted to go to Connecticut, and everybody, like Boston Comedy had go to Connecticut. And everybody. Boston Comedy had so many fucking rooms, man. People always ask me that when I started out. Every pub and restaurant in New England, not just Massachusetts.

You can look at my book my first year. I'd be at a ski lodge in Burlington, Vermont on Monday night. Tuesday night, a Chinese restaurant in Providence, Rhode Island. Wednesday night, back in the city at Stitch's. You know, Thursday at a Mexican restaurant in Franklin, Massachusetts. If you ever talk to Louis C.K., he's got them all memorized. He can tell you.

Really? Oh, yeah. He still remembers them. I remember Mike Clark calling me. I'd been in the business about eight months. It's snowing like a bastard. I'm living on Com Ave in Boston in a shitty apartment. Mike calls me calls me one in the afternoon he goes you want to do a gig in new london connecticut i look outside there's a blizzard the snow is blowing sideways we've

already got like 11 inches i go yeah he goes you want to work my brother lenny you know lenny was our idol then and i'm like i'm fucking i'll be there hey talking about a three-hour drive and it's blizzard i I get there, it's me and Lenny, and there's nine people in the audience, and the guy goes to Lenny, I need an hour out of you, like real sternly. And Lenny's like, okay, motherfucker. He starts

giggling to me. And then we're sitting at the table, and he goes to the guy that owns the place. He goes, Dick, come on, sit down over here. About two minutes into the conversation, Lenny knocks a cup of coffee over on me. I know he did it on purpose it was so intentional he knocks it on you no he knocked it on the guy he's gonna make him do an hour and he was like oh sorry jesus christ then he's laughing when he's laughing and winking at me and and then lenny goes on and does an hour without taking a break like there was 600 people there. I mean, that's when I was like,

oh my God, that's a headliner. He didn't take a break. It was one 60-minute run-on sentence and he murdered those nine people. Wow. I couldn't even figure out how to get the mic out of the stand, Joe. Some of those clip mics, I'm like, fucking thing comes unplugged. That's hilarious.

And Lenny goes on and just, I go, oh my God, that's how it's done. on and just I go oh my god that's how it's done and just and I don't mean working the audience I mean an hour of jokes in front of like

nine people that was that style of comedy too like Lenny embodied that style that fucking attack style of comedy yeah

you know there was Lenny was one of the the first guys that I ever worked for I worked for Warren McDonald I opened up for him sure Warren McDonald yes I ever worked for, I worked for Warren McDonald. I opened up for him.

Sure. Warren McDonald. Yes. I opened up for him in like a chickpea mask. That's George's older brother. Yeah. Yeah. George McDonald, who was an open mic night guy when I was coming up.

He was the host. My first open mic, he was the host. He was? He really? Oh, Christ, yeah. Wow. That guy's been around. Yeah.

It said comedy hell on the... Yeah. That's what it said on the sign. Comedy hell and stitches. Yep. First night, I pulled up. I saw the marquee. Yeah, it said Comedy Hell on the... Yeah, Comedy Hell. That's what it said on the sign. Stitches, yep. The first night I pulled up, I saw the marquee. I almost went, I don't want to do this. That was a cool little room, too. That little room only fit like...

What did that fit? Like 100 and something people? About 100, probably 125 people. Yeah, at the most. What a great little room. I was opening for... Lenny had his own show on Friday night there. And this is when I was going back.

And it's my second year. I had just moved down to New York. I hadn't moved down to New York. I was driving back and forth. We had an apartment, me and Louie down here. I had to go back to Stitches. I took the train back. And the train was late and shit.

So I'm late getting to Stitches. It's Lenny's show. And Kenny Rogerson's like the middle and shit. Can you imagine? I'm the rookie on the show. I get there late. Kenny's already on. Oh, no.

So they are like furious. So I go out. Stitches had a little ticket booth. That's how you entered the stage, from the ticket booth on the side. So I go out there. I don't have more than 20 minutes, right, Joe, at that point. I don't have 20 good minutes. I run out of material.

I'm like, good night, everybody. I go, good night. I go to go off stage. That door's locked. So now I'm up on a stage. I can't get, the only way I can get out is to jump off the front of it. The audience is staring at me.

The door's locked. They won't let me in. So I go back to the microphone and I start going, so what do you do for a living? Oh my God. They wouldn't unlock the door for like five minutes.

And then I went over and I go, come on, guys. And now the audience is laughing at me and shit. And then Kenny Wright is in open door. He goes, fuck it, be on time, motherfucker. That was a lesson. Those road gigs were often hazardous. Is that where you did your open mic?

Your first one at Stitches? Yeah. Yeah. That was my first time. August 27th, 1988. That was Jonathan Katz, he was the host. Wow. Yeah, it's wild. I did it the spring before. And I remember, oh, fuck, man.

A couple really good comics went up that night, too. Like guys that were local guys would go in town and do the open mic like pros. But the big one, well, there was a couple of big ones but um teddy bergeron was the biggest one teddy bergeron slayed it so smooth as silk and i remember being just the rawest of raw first day ever open mic you can't get any raw i remember watching teddy bergeron just going fuck he's so's so smooth. He was just so slick. Yeah, that's right. He would emcee some of the open mics at Stitches. Oh, yeah.

And he'd go on as a character called Alston Brighton, which is the two towns outside of... He'd do this English accent, and I'm going, this guy was on The Tonight Show. He sucks. He was just doing some character. Hello there. Good to be here.

And Stitches. And just do these shitty jokes on purpose. And I'm going, this guy was on it tonight. Because you don't know anything about comedy then. I go, how the fuck has this guy been on it with Johnny Carson? And I go, who is it? He'd go on his Alston. I thought his name was Alston Brighton for the first six months.

And then I see him at Nick's one night. Get like a standing ovation. Yeah, you see him do his real act. Do his real act. And I was like, oh my God, I know nothing about about what I do did you ever see his Tonight Show set yes fucking yes oh yeah one of the best Tonight Show sets ever yeah it's in that movie you when stand-up stood out oh they show I'm sitting down I think in that movie but yeah killer and then he just went off the rails but when when he

was in his prime is when Nick and I Nick was like you were like a little bit ahead of me Like maybe a year I think No, you something like six months to a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah I did the spring of 87 was my first open mic So we were we were both there when Teddy was in his prime like when he was just hot and fucking just Smooth and just would go up right in he had this style this was so casual like there was a lot of guys like lenny had this amazing style of a fucking attack

ah right and he would just bam bam bam bam right but teddy would go up and make it look so effortless right he was the only one you're right that wasn't doing that boston attack he had his own he was a little more evolved he was so good he was so good but the alcohol is what uh pills alcohol the whole deal whatever it was that grabbed him i did one night with him in in the hot right and i get there and i'm opening for him some restaurant like in the hot and then he comes in and i i bring him up and as i'm coming off the stage he goes he goes i'm double parked move my car so he gives me his keys and i go out and i move his car and i come back in and i'm watching him and i'm having a few drinks and then i get my car and i go see this

girl and lynn that i was seeing at the time and uh i call and check my answer machine messages you know at my house in Woburn, my apartment. And it's a beep. Nick, Teddy Bergeron. Yeah, it's the show ended an hour ago. You have my fucking keys, my car keys. I left with his keys. Beep.

Another message. It was like eight messages. And he's a horrible, like, alcohol will kill this guy. So the next beep is like's like 40 minutes later, Nick, you fucking asshole, I'm fucking, still at the fucking club. Oh, my God. I had to fucking, you know, find him and get him his keys,

but he left like six messages and he was getting more drunk. I played him over and over for comics I know. He couldn't even talk. It's like four in the morning. I was with this girl who I wanted to bang for years, you know? And I fucking, after the first few messages, I'm not leaving here for another hour. I go, he's fine.

He's in the bar, you know. And the poor bastard was stranded there until, I don't know, two or three in the morning maybe. Maybe it was good that you didn't give him his keys and drove drunk. Yeah. He wasn't drinking, though, when I left. I think I drove him to drink. You know what I mean?

Because each message, you could hear him getting worse. Can you imagine? And I'm fucking sitting there, you know, I didn't check my messages for a while after I got to that girl's apartment. That's my Teddy Bergeron story. I missed that disco gig. The disco gig had already

closed by the time I was getting paid. I heard about it when I was doing open mics. The Quincy dance floor? Yeah, the one that you got on. I did one that was in the waiting room of a restaurant. And the stand-up mic, it was a Mike Clark gig. It was a one-time only. It was only me, one-man show.

And they canceled it right after I did it. I called Mike as soon as I got home. It was the most ridiculous thing. The PA system was attached to the stand-up microphone, and it was a big fish restaurant down the Cape, so that there was this big waiting room of people. Oh, I know. You know that, K?

Do you know it? So you'd be on the stage. So I'm saying, there's no way we can do this unless Johnson Party of Two, your table's ready, Johnson Party of Two. And the first time they did it, I just went, no fucking way. This can't be real.

And it was so ridiculous that the audience just started laughing like whereas i was probably bombing before that it probably wasn't going so well because it was just nobody knew there was going to be a comedy show okay they had a band the band stopped and then really yeah i never did that i don't even know if i don't remember if they introduced me my memory fucking blows sometimes i can get i get like real crystal images of like really important shit. But other times, like when you told me that I ran after you in the car, I was like, God, I swore I called him. No, you got me on the way to the car. Yeah, but now that you say it, now I know that I ran out.

But I'm like, why did I have that stupid fake memory in my head? That's weird. Because I remember you running out and I'm going, oh, fuck. Is he going to yell at me? I must have fucking blown this audition. I think dreams kind of fuck with your past memories. Oh, for sure. I dreamt something once a long time ago, and I remembered that I had told somebody about this dream,

and then I forgot that that part of it was real. It wasn't real. Because I was talking about my friend and i was like oh yeah and she she works i think at this place downtown and i'm like wait no that's something i brian that's weed man it's not good for your money you guys don't believe any of that no no no not at all i know i remember too much shit well that's not gonna wipe it out completely but i remember way too much i think uh short term though for sure short term, though, for sure. Short term, yeah. No doubt about it.

It fucks with the short term. We could be talking about something and I'll go, what did we just say? There's like blips of missing information. But I think that those blips exist because there's a vacuum created by all this new shit that's flying at you. And I think the new shit's flying at you. If you're still trying to hold on to your thought you just had a couple moments ago you're resisting the zen of the experience of the marijuana see if you just relax it's funny because like it's a catch-22 because i i'm having i'm i have insomnia i have horrible time it doesn't matter what time zone i'm in what

planet what state if i go to bed i wake up two hours later angry and complaining no i feel good i feel rested for that for that moment but i'm not going to get up it's only four in the morning right so i try to go back to sleep and then i'll wake up an hour and a half later and then i'll wake up at eight and then not and i feel horrible and it's affecting me on stage even now when we're just telling stories a couple of names i couldn't remember what we're talking about a new mood i couldn't remember the actor's name you know and and uh it's fucking weird but but but everybody's like yes you smoke weed it'll put you to sleep but it also i know does a number on your memory if you get in that get in the habit of doing it right yeah well i think if you did it every day, all day,

it would definitely fuck you up. Yeah. A hundred percent. But I think if you do it a little bit every now and again, it's good for you. I really do. I think it relaxes you. You should do melatonin.

That's the first thing everybody suggests. Or Xanthi. Dude, I've tried everything. I've drank cat piss. I've fucking... Whoa, that's your problem. That's what's keeping you up. Oh, that's right. It's loaded with caffeine, isn't it? Did you get it piss of fucking whoa. That's your problem

Fucking anger No, it's uh have you ever had done all that shit have you ever had that cat shit coffee You ever heard that coffee called Kopi Luwak a cat shit or raccoons. What's a civet? It's like a tie thing it's like really good to go any further with the conversation. I'm all set, thanks. I'll stick. I'll stick. These people. My Sanka. Sanka. Sanka was the perfect reference.

Sanka was, for Folgers Brothers, two words. Sanka's one. Sanka's perfect. But, uh, Jesus Christ, that is so fucking funny. You remember Sanka, Jack? I do. There's this animal called civet, and it eats the coffee beans and then shits them out. And when it goes through its digestive tract, the digestive enzymes break down the outer layer of the coffee. We got something for that.

It's called a coffee filter. I don't need it to go through a fucking cat's ass. Fucking feline cunt. You're missing the point, sir. The digestive enzymes or juices of the cat's stomach make it a smoother, smoother coffee. And this company's wearing Liberia? Still wiping their ass with banana leaves and rocks? They eat a bunch of cranberries and stuff? Yeah, that's the little animal.

Look at that little fucking ferret looking. Look at the poop. It looks like a, what is that candy bar? It's a payday bar. That's the little animal. Look at that little fucking ferret looking. Look at the poop. It looks like a, what is that candy bar? It's a payday bar. That's the shit. That's the shit. I ate two of those for breakfast this morning. That's how paydays are made.

That's a fucking payday bar. See, that bean, those beans have all been sort of stripped. Yeah, I'm all set. I'd rather have a Colombian guy crushing them with his bare feet. So apparently their bodies don't digest the actual bean itself. Yeah, apparently. So apparently their bodies don't digest the actual bean itself. Yeah, apparently. So they eat the outside. The outside of a coffee bean, I read somewhere,

that green, there's like the outside of like a, like the juice from an actual coffee bean. It's green. The bean is green before it. Yeah, and it was like a little red too, but it's supposed to be really good for you, whatever that is. Yeah, I saw that on Dr. Oz,

and I actually ordered this shit. It's supposed to help you lose weight. That Dr motherfucker though i know i know i googled the motherfucker i said he's so i said he's so handsome i have to order this shit no uh get mad at him the american medical association very mad at him yeah they got they got pissed at him he had to go before congress because of uh some fake diet pill he got owned did he get on yeah oh yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was ugly. But it's amazing. He's still on the air. He couldn't get on that bed.

Yeah, but that's just because he's Oprah's bitch. Yeah. Somebody should have went up to Oprah and heard that. Oprah just starts peeling off numbers.

Ch, ch, ch, ch. You know, what do we have to do to make this go away? Oprah has to get Oprah's money. Glad she went away finally. Well, she went away

because she made more money than any human being ever. And she's like, what the fuck's the point of doing this talk show anymore? No, nobody wanted to hear from her anymore. She can't even get ratings on her own fucking network. How dare you, Nick DiPaolo. How dare you. She fucking.

First of all, these ratings are racist. There's a bunch of white males running that rating board, and they deny Oprah's real, true ratings. That probably would be the argument in court today. They don't even know. How accurate do you think they really are at knowing ratings? Nowadays, they're way more accurate because I heard they're actually getting numbers from cable boxes

and stuff nowadays. Hmm. Can they do that without your consent? I like the Nielsen family myself. It's probably in that big contract at the beginning when you turn on your cable box and probably The Nielsen's were like how many families and it there were three they lived right next to me fucking loud obnoxious Always had the TVs on there wasn't that many people that did they when they did the nil they still do it right? They still do it. They they really still do it? Pretty sure.

Pretty sure. I thought they just knocked on your door and said, what do you want? How many Nielsen families are there? They still do it. I remember growing up, my friend's dad was like a vice president of this big insurance company, and they had one on their TV. So it was kind of weird that they had one. There's Leslie Nielsen.

That's not the same. That's one of the families. That's a funny guy, man. Think about that guy. That guy's entire life, 300 homes, 1,300 apiece. Huh. Okay, two largest local. Oh, this is New York and Los Angeles.

We'll have their sample sizes increased by 300 homes next year, about 1,300 apiece. So that's New York and Los Angeles. This is 2,600. This is in 2014. 2, 1,300 people. So that's New York and Los Angeles. This is 2,600. This is in 2014. 2,600 homes of people. But that's just 2,600 homes in New York and L.A. That's 51,000 Puerto Ricans right there. How dare you?

How dare you, Nick DiPaolo? Look at the left coast. You can't laugh at any of this shit. Everybody just cleans up. It's all fucking nervous. Why is it? Because it's turned into Mexico. You're afraid to fucking laugh at it?

Is that what it is? It's just more liberal out here, right? Do you think it's more liberal out here? Do you feel the difference when you just stand there? I haven't really done stand-up, but just going into Hertz at LAX, I can see it's much more liberal. Going into her? Hertz. Oh, Hertz.

What's going on there? I don't know. I didn't see anybody that spoke English. A guy mumbling to me in some accent. The place was rudderless. No fucking manager. 40 people in line. Three people behind the counter. Nobody taking charge.

Nobody that looked like me. Nobody looked like you. Wow. Yeah. A little just... Well, no. You can fucking live in this world and put up with that shit, but... You can't do it?

No, I can do it. I'm just saying. You asked me. No, it's much more liberal up here. White men renting me my fucking cars. No, that's not what I'm saying at all, Joe. Just let the white guy fucking manage it. Whoa.

It's one thing we can do. Whoa. Jesus. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen to you guys. You've been out here 2015. Yeah, it is. Why don't you wake the fuck up, Brian?

Wake the fuck up, Brian. Just because you grew up in this shit. It's all about white car rental managers. I'm just, now you ask me if it was much more liberal. I'm fucking kidding. These are jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Don't, we don't. Oh yeah, I forgot you had advertisers and shit. No, not right now.

Not anymore. They're later. What happened? I don't, I do them later. I splice them in. Oh, you do? Yeah. You even, you even have control over that?

Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. Absolutely. Yeah, because this way we just have a conversation, you do? Yeah. You even have control over that? Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. Absolutely. Yeah, because this way we just have a conversation, you know? Yeah. The other way of, like, interrupting, doing in the beginning was always awkward because the guest would be sitting there and I'd have to go through five minutes of stupid ads. And then doing in the middle was always out of the question. So now I just do it this way.

Good for you. It's the way to do it. Good thinking. It's a good situation. It's a good situation. It looks like in 2005 Nielsen started using things like TiVo and cable boxes and stuff like that, even finding when people turned off a show, so they even know how accurate as if the first commercial break if people left the show.

Oh, damn. So it's super accurate now. That's some Big Brother type shit right there. It's weird. I mean, the only way to find out, really, is you've got to do that. Why does it bother us? Because it doesn't bother us when you see, like, YouTube hits. You know?

If you put up a YouTube video and it gets 17 million hits, well, it's all right there. You can see it. 17 million hits. Yeah, they don't want you to know the numbers. Yeah. It's weird. In radio, it's hard to get numbers. Real hard to get numbers in radio.

Well, they don't want you to know. Yeah. You could be making them a ton of money. They're going, no, you only have 70 listeners. This is why we're... I don't think they know. When it comes to radio, like that Arbitron book, I think that is just a fucking guess. Yeah, the whole thing's a mess.

It's a guess. Ratings, they keep changing it. Yeah. Now they have things people walk around with clipped under their belt, and they're supposed to click it if they're listening to it. That's so stupid. They're not going to click that. No, exactly.

And if they do, they're assholes anyway. You don't want them. Exactly. You're wearing that? I don't want you as a listener. Unless you're getting a lot of money for that, dude. Unless they're giving you like 500 bucks a week to wear that stupid thing. Like, I don't know why you would wear that.

So it could be like a Shazam-based thing. You know, like, so as things are playing, you listen to it. But even then, you know what I mean? Like Shazam picks it. You know that app? Do you know it? No, I don't. It's great. If there's a song playing and you don't know what it is, like, what the fuck is that song? You hold it up and it'll tell you instantly. Yeah, my wife told me.

It's so crazy. It doesn't even make sense that it works. And it works so well. You look at it happening and you're going, it's instant. It just knows the beat. They should have that if you're in a nightclub you're gonna meet pick up a chick you hold it up to her as if she's fucking crazy you know tells you her IQ and work that way but if they could tell you your heart rate from Xbox one imagine if you could fucking put it in front of a girl and just tell you how

crazy she is one to ten just scans her body and let's you how crazy she is. They'll give you like a one to ten. Just scans her body and lets you know, like, look what's going on in her head. There's a fucking ping pong game happening right now. All her different personalities are throwing balls at each other. Let's go home. We're religious. I'm a child of God. Let's suck his cock.

Just ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. Just trying to figure out which way to go. Always. Completely unstable. If they could find out your heart rate, I mean, how the fuck are they finding out your heart rate by looking at you on some screen unless you're wearing a device Must be wearing a device you wear anything no it's it's thermal I think It's not just like a regular video camera, so the three cameras pointing at you

What are they reading that turns thermal the others like just where you are displaced in the room? But it's reading it's reading like heat really it, and it's gauging that into a heart. Is this an app we're talking about? It's an Xbox One. So if it's gauging heat, do you have to program in how warm your room is, how much you weigh? It knows how big you are. It can tell. It knows when you've been sleeping.

And it's tons of little dots over you, so it reads like it's super accurate. Like it can read your hands like going like this, you know, that accurate. Whoa. It's pretty, the new one,

Xbox One. What the fuck, man? I'm missing out on all this. You can easily get an Xbox, you should have an Xbox One. I should have. How many times is it? I watched the last UFC

on an Xbox One and it was so easy. It's just like, order right through Xbox. Dude, I'm moving towards doing less shit. That's what I'm moving towards. I'm not moving towards doing anything more.

I just, I've been enjoying relaxing lately. That's a lost art, you know? Everybody's hustling, going back. How about if I had your money? Fuck, I would have been relaxing 10 years ago. Would you have? Oh, yeah. What have you been doing?

What would you do? I don't know. What should I do? You could advise me, Nick. I'd be smoking pot and floating in my pool. Ah, there you go. Yeah. With a big margarita beside you. I don't know. What should I do? You could advise me, Nick. I'd be smoking pot and floating in my pool. Ah, there you go. With a big margarita beside you. I don't smoke pot.

Let me change that answer. You should have a fishing pond, Joe. Somewhere that you can just sit there on a canoe and fish and smoke weed all day long. That's right. That is the day. No, seriously. That sounds perfect. Perfect.

It's a fun day. Thing of Heineken's in between your legs. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Isn't it funny that you're like, nobody gives a fuck if you kill a fish. Fuck fish. People don't care about fish. But if there was like wild game preserves near Four Seasons in Hawaii and dudes are

coming in with like gutted moose or something like that, people would freak the fuck out. You can come with a marlin, big 1500 pound marlin. Nobody gives a shit. They're delicious. Moose is very tough it is It's very delicious But it's just weird that we don't we don't give a shit if someone kills a fish in front of us But we have like very clear hierarchies, and it's not even about the size of the animal

It's about whether or not the animals cute Like if you have like a squirrel you kill a squirrel in front of people People will freak out if you kill a squirrel in front of them. Right. But people eat squirrels. A lot of parts of the world, people eat squirrels. But if you kill a tuna in front of them, like a 500-pound tuna, most people don't even bat an eye. Weird, right? I hate that. You see, like, the Japanese cutting fins off sharks.

Ugh. Is it the Japanese? It's the Japanese show, yes. Don't get all nervous. It's the Japanese. They didn't fucking make it up. Did you see that surfer with the shark on live TV? I'm not saying we should kill all the sharks.

They cut the fins off them, though, and let the rest of the fish drown. It'll get eaten. I know, but it's not the point. I'm not saying it's a good thing, but they'll get... They're using it for an aphrodisiac, making soup with it and shit. Well, I think it's just delicious. Shark's fin soup. I think the aphrodisiac is like the horns, like rhino horns and shit like that.

Rhino horns, too, yes. Tiger dick. Yeah. Tiger dick? Tiger dick. They do something with tigers. I don't know if it's tiger dick, but. Tiger dick.

That is fucked up, though. They cut the fins off and just jump in the water. Yeah, and they let them fucking drown. What's kind of sociopathic? Did it be any cruel? Yeah, it's kind of creepy behavior. Replace the fin. If you're going to take it, put a fake one on. Yeah, not's kind of creepy behavior replace the fin if you're gonna take it put a fake one on yeah

Not only that like what couldn't you use that meat or something like you sell it the shark me pet food or something like that Sure, you know I mean, it's probably good protein like why would you just let it all go to waste like that? That seems so silly and then there's the numbers like how many they kill they kill a lot get that shark fin soup Gotta kill a lot of fucking sharks. But that surfer video was ridiculous. Yeah. Oh, God. How terrifying is that?

I'm surprised you didn't see, like, you know, him shitting his pants all over the board. It's amazing he didn't get bit. It's amazing. I mean, that thing is thrashing around. I know. And that was a big fin. Big fucking. That was no little mako shark And that was a big fin. A big fucking... That was no little mako shark.

That was a shark shark. That was like a 10-foot shark, right? If you're a guest, 9, 10-foot. How big do they think it was, Jamie? I didn't see. It seemed like it was like a 10-foot shark. But it's definitely big enough to fucking kill you. Hell yeah.

Why do surfers not carry weapons on them? Why don't they have some kind of taser or something that they can wear around their neck in emergencies, pop it off? They should have an app for that. I know. Maybe it will help you. You know how you row like a lot of guys that paddleboard out there? Maybe there's a new sport. Just like with a spear.

Hunting shark? Yeah, because like- You draw the shark? If you fucking miss, dude. That's a good show. Pitch that one. Pitch that one. Pitch that one. You could probably get away with doing it if you did it with chain mail.

If you had some sort of a fine chain mail shark suit on, you could probably get away with doing that. But, you know, to see whether or not you got bit. You know, what a badass paddle boarder you would have to be to take that risk. Fuck, dude. That could go wrong. Yeah, that would be enough to keep me out of the rest of my life. Well, that was in South Africa, right? Yeah.

South Africa is one of the worst spots in the world for shark attacks. How about North Carolina this year? Yeah, it's weird. They were walking up on shore and biting people. Richmond covers makes waves with homemade shark attacks. How about North Carolina this year? Yeah, it's weird. They were walking up on shore and biting people. Richmond covers makes waves with homemade shark cages. Oh, I saw those people. These people walked out with a shark cage on. It looks like

a bird cage. Yeah, not a bad move. Got them on TV. It's a six-foot great white, by the way. It was only six foot? Yeah, that's what they said. That's big enough. Yeah, that's plenty big to fuck you up. That's as big as, you know, you are. Sharks, man. What a crazy animal.

Look at that guy's face. Yeah, I'd rather be bit by the shark, I think. Who's that, John Madden's gay son? One thousandth. One thousandth. I don't think you'd get away from me. What a great idea. Sharks are just such a strange animal that the the they've they've

got to a stage of existence where they just maintain the exact same form for hundreds of millions of years that's all they've been doing for hundreds of millions a year like they never improved like if they stop swimming they drown it's a total shitty design they can't sleep they just swim around and jack things. I can relate to that. Isn't that hilarious when you think about it? It's a cleanup crew. It's literally like the cleanup crew for the ocean.

That's why it can't stop. It's not allowed to do what it wants to do. It can't just gorge itself and then just chill out. No, it has to keep moving or it'd die. What a fucking bummer. What a bummer existence. You've got to keep moving. What's that called? Can't sleep? There's a term for that. Fucked? No, there's a term bummer. What a bummer existence. You gotta keep moving. What's that called?

Can't sleep? There's a term for that. Fucked? No, there's a term for it. When you have to keep moving. Tony Soprano had it. Oh, perpetual motion? You have to keep moving.

Is that it? Perpetual motion? Perpetual motion is the theory of trying to... I forget. How many people pretended to be Italian after The Sopranos? It's a large percentage. I don't know. After Goodfellas.

Yeah, all those movies. All of them. It's amazing how many mob movies there are. If you really think about the amount of movies made about the Italians. One guy just died from Godfather, right? He just died two days ago. Who's that? Fuck.

Hold on. From The Godfather? You mean the movie, an actor, or an actual guy? Marlon Brando? No, shit. He just died yesterday. Two days ago. Who's that? Oh, fuck. Hold on. From The Godfather? You mean the movie? An actor or an actual guy? Marlon Brando? No. No. It was on TV the other day.

Okay. Alex Rocco. Oh, no. The Godfather star. No. That's Mo Green. Mo Green. Mo Green.

He fucking... When? Two days ago. That doesn't even look like him. Is that supposed to be him? Yeah, that's him, all right. Wow, he looks so different. I didn't know that.

Mo Green. Did he catch one in the eye? No, he choked on a breadstick at the Olive Garden. Oh, that's fucking racist, man. Son of a bitch. Why the Olive Garden, Brian? Why you gotta be like that, man? Son of a bitch.

Why you gotta be Olive Garden when Italian shit? You know, he has a running joke about Olive Garden. He slips in Olive Garden into conversations. I had the best chunk ever on the Olive Garden. I can't remember. Oh, a bit? You mean really? I would love to hear it.

People, look it up. You're the fucking Googler. Oh, look at him there. Look at him in that bottom image. That's right after he won the Academy Award. Yeah, those are the glasses Mo Green had on when he was getting massaged. There's something great about those big, giant glasses. He's from Boston, by the way.

Really? Yeah. I believe he's a Boston guy. Mo Green. I did not hear that. There he is. That looks more like Mo Green there. That's it. There he is. That looks more like Mo Green there. That's it.

We all go. Everybody's here. Michael, Fredo, how you doing? You're not going. We're not going anywhere. You're going to be okay? Oh, Christ. What's going to happen?

110, 111 before I go. Really? Oh, shit. I'll start shitting my pants about a week from now. What makes you say that? I'm kidding. P90X? I'll be gone soon.

Yeah, you've got to stay in it. You've got to put, you've got to stay focused. What's it called again? The new one? That's Extreme Indie. Mine's not even new. This one's been out a few years. 30 Minute Insanity or whatever.

You know what I'm talking about, Sean T. I've seen the commercial. I've definitely seen the commercial. The guy is working out. He's jumping around for 30 minutes. I don't know how you can talk and still do that type of row back to side and still be able to speak. You've got to be very fit. Unbelievably fit.

Yeah, when you're demonstrating moves, like if you demonstrate martial arts moves, you get exhausted. Because you're trying to talk and you're throwing kicks and you're trying to explain what you're doing. You get weighted real quick. And this guy talks nonstop for 30 minutes while he's jumping around. And his people give up. Like, there's people that have to sit out, like, halfway through. They're like, absolutely.

I was like, wow, you picked some really fucking weirdos. Well, it's hard. It really is hard. But how about the... There's another girl out there, Autumn Calabrese, her name is. No. She's a beach body,

one of those Tony Horton protégés. And just Google Autumn Calabrese, and she's got the 21-day fix out or something. It's an infomercial with Tom Bergeron, but you should see. Look at her body on her. I've never seen anybody who doesn't juice or isn't a bodybuilder. Are you kidding me? She looks very fit. She looks very fit.

Unbelievable. I do her 30-minute workout though. I recommend Jane Fonda's old school. Does it involve one of the things you hold on to? This little shaky thing? Shake weight?

Do you believe that thing fucking exists? That's the most ridiculous workout tool ever. Why would you need that? You just grab onto somebody who's having a seizure. It's hard to find someone who has a seizure when you're trying to get a workout in. What was Suzanne Somers' one, the one that you put in between? Thighmaster. They have vibrating Thighmasters.

I bought a used one and licked it for 20 minutes. Do you know, I know jujitsu guys who got the Thighmaster so that they could work the inside leg muscles so they could squeeze guys better. Is that right? Yeah. But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda. You can't tell if you're bullshit. No, for real. Is it hot in here

or is it the coffee? It's probably the coffee. All right. But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda with vibrating, the vibrating workout thing. And it's some of the funniest shit ever.

There it is. Thighmaster, bitch. Yeah, I bought a used one on eBay. Ooh, what'd it smell like? I sniffed it for like an hour and sent it back. Not acceptable. It smells like pineapple.

Find me one that's been used by an American. That's the new Hitachi right there. I'm not playing around with your goddamn coconut Thighmaster. Coconut Thighmaster. For sexy hips and thighs. Oh, my God. What the hell is that? Bonus lotion?

Oh, gel. Organic bronzing gel. That's for whacking off to the infomercial. Bronzing gel. That's hilarious. Squeeze your thighs together and then orange them. Yeah, exactly. How are girls using this to masturbate?

Because it has to be for that, right? I don't know. No, it's not. I guess you could get everything warmed up first with that. I guess you could get everything warmed up first with that. Like if you were hell-bent on like stimulating or simulating some sort of a wild gorilla fuckfest, what you do is you just squeeze the shit out of that thing until your legs reach fatigue. And, you know, all the while you've got to like play with yourself.

And then once you realize that your legs are about to give in, that's when you start shoving the dildo inside you. I'm not saying you should do this. I'm just saying that's how I'd handle it. I just heard shoving the dildo into yourself. That's all I heard out of that. I was just thinking if you really wanted to have, you know, if you want to use the Thighmaster for orgasms, if you were trying to

masturbate with it, that'd be the only way. To use it to make your legs tired. Unless you turn it on so it's like this, like a pyramid, like the balls at the top and then you put it down and the girls sit on it

and push down like they ride it like this while it vibrates. That's probably what they're doing. It gives back to you. Yeah.

Yeah. And they bronze, that bronze is actually gel. Women probably put it between their legs and have their husband stick their head in and then they clamp it on their husband's neck.

You know what I don't like? Kill him instantly. I don't like that those oh-my-God facts are sometimes made up. They're fake. Half of them are fake. Yeah, sometimes they're made up because there was one about the vibrator. The vibrator was the second or third of the electronically connected things, electrically powered things in the household.

I was like, what? And they're like, it beat the washing machine and something the household. I was like, what? And they're like, it beat the washing machine and something else. And I was like, wait a minute. The third most what? Used? No, one of the quickest created. Like one of the third electric creation. Yeah, it's probably bullshit.

Invention? Yeah, it's probably bullshit. Who came up with Edison's wife? You even say it like you're delivering a pledge line. Who came up with Edison's wife? You even say it like you're delivering a pledge line. They used to have those in doctor's offices. They used to stimulate women to orgasm in doctor's offices. That was a normal... What do you mean, used to?

Go to the right doctor. Go to the right dentist. Is that laughing gas or are you just happy to see me? I hear a blossom. Have we talked since the Cosby thing? Oh, come on. He's fine. This is a racist society trying to pull down another black man, Joe.

That's what I heard. He never raped anybody, man. Why are you getting all over his shit? Chuck D from Public Enemy, who I love dearly, on his Twitter thing, he called him Dr. Cosby. Dr. Huxtable. Dr. Huxtable. No, actually, you know what? Actually, he is a doctor in real life.

But he's an honorary doctor. Yes, exactly. Yeah, but I think they rescinded that. Did they take that back? Can they take that back? They took something back. Took some honorary something something another he had back But then they built a statue him in front of Grambling

What there was he temple? There's so many funny things that that Cosby did in the past that now are a lot more funnier now because of all the you know Like yeah, like when coke 2 came out there was a commercial and I forget what the tagline was Oh, I know what you're saying. It was like, trust me, and he's like holding the can or something like that. I see what you're saying, yeah. And then there's a Cosby show where he makes chili and he goes, and I have my special ingredient that makes you go get sleepy.

And then he walks into Rudy Huck, like the kids are eating the chili. He's like, no. Really? Yeah. He really says, I have my special ingredient that makes you sleepy? It's old commercials that now when you watch them in retrospect, they fit the narrative perfectly. Oh, my God. So now I've been just thinking of every single Cosby movie I want to watch now and find all the secret things.

What was the one where he was like a... What was the one where he's pulling a pudding pop out of an unconscious girl's ass? What movie was that? Like going through like old fat outfits and stuff. It's so funny. Guilty. What was Coke 2?

Gil fucking T. There was a commercial for Coke 2 that I gotta find. That seems like a tough one to argue. I didn't like Cosby. I never liked his... I mean, I respected, but I never found him funny.

When I was working at Chris Rock, the whole show went to see Cosby and I didn't want to go. Really? Yeah. Chris was like, you crazy Apollo, you're never found him funny. When I was working at Chris Rock, the whole show went to see Cosby, and I didn't want to go. Really? Yeah. Chris was like, you crazy Apollo, you're going to fucking miss it. Oh, yeah. We were going to see him in Vegas. Yeah.

We were going to take a trip to Vegas just to see him. Because everybody was telling me, like, you got to see him, that he's the best. You got to see him. They were saying, like, he sets up these bits, and they're just fucking perfect. Yeah. Well. Yeah. Well. Yeah, well. I felt that way about Jay Charbonneau.

Jay Charbonneau. Jesus Christ. There's a name from the past. He just hurt my feelings. Stitches. I forgot about that guy. He was the angry guy then. I loved him.

Remember? He was always angry. Holy shit. How do you... Maybe pot is fucking with my memory. If you can bring back all these guys. It's fucking with your memory. That's been is. It's fucking with your memory, Joe. That's been proven.

Has it been proven? Oh, fuck, yeah. On Fox News? No, not Fox News. Pauly Shaw's mom, for Christ's sake. I don't think she did pot. No, she probably never touched wheat. You're right.

First of all, how dare you? Second of all, I think it was some other stuff. It was what? It was genetic, too. Parkinson's. Oh, I didn't. Unless you're a boxer. I was just throwing that out there.

I didn't know she had a disease. Yeah, she does. You didn't know that? No. Yeah, Mitzi's been ill for a long time. I think she's got either Parkinson's or muscular sclerosis. I don't know what it... Multiple sclerosis?

Multiple sclerosis. No, I loved Mitzi. She passed me the first night I showed up in L.A. Did she really? She was in the crowd. She was in the original room. And it was like open mic or a new potluck

or whatever the fire. Like three guys went up and just ate their own shit. Like Jay London had the best set and he got like six laughs. Jay London. And then I just fucking went on and you know,

that's when I was doing it four times a night, you know, 30 nights a month. And she just happened to be there. She was fucking, literally her hat was falling off. She had that hat on.

She goes, you can run anytime you you want she couldn't have been sweeter do you miss living out here uh i don't miss it but i in retrospect looking back i enjoyed it more than i thought i did you know i mean you enjoyed it more than you thought it did like when i first when i was so happy to get back to new york and I didn't care for L.A. at all. But now that I look back on it, I had good times. It wasn't bad. No. It's not bad. There's definitely a difference in the vibe.

That's the different vibe that you get when you're in L.A. It's just way different than the vibe that you get in New York, and especially at comedy clubs. The New York comedy club vibe is very hostile. It's a different kind of vibe. Not anymore, though. A comedy cell is like a tourist trap and really yeah louis show is so popular people come from all over now and they see the comedy seller you know they show to the beginning of louisiana and like the early shows there are like sometimes you're like well how did that joke swing and miss then after the show the like, well, that whole 14 people,

they're from, like, fucking Sweden. They're all German. I hate that. And that's, like, the early show. Then I guess the second and third shows, it gets back to... But it's not hostile. It's on the campus of NYU.

It's all college kids. And they have their brains filled with, you know, PC mush. PC college kids. These motherfucking know-it-all little punks. Yeah, well, Seinfeld's too edgy for him, so. Well, Seinfeld is not racially diverse. He didn't diversify his Cars and Coffee show.

Sounds racist. Yeah, he's racist. Sounds racist to me. But that's not even their problem with him. They think he's too edgy. Hey, Jamie, there's a dude outside that I want to bring in. It was a guy that I met last night. I wanted to sit down with Nick and I want to bring this guy in.

His name is, his name's Adam. He should be out there right now. I met this guy last night that is a counselor in Florida. And I have to leave tomorrow. I was trying to figure out what way to have this guy talk to me about what the fuck he did.

When I hear about a scam, a money scam, a crazy money scam, this guy was working with drug rehabilitation people in Florida and like, you know, fucking dealing with people that have all these drug addictions and all the different prescriptions that they would put them on and how much money they would get. He was telling me that they would charge people like $1,500 a day to keep someone a patient in their institution. Can you set up a

microphone over here? Is that possible? Mixing it up, Nick DiPaolo. Can I plug my website? NickDip.com. What are you doing next? What do you got going on? I don't know. What are you out here for? That's a good question. I'm still selling the album I got such a kick After I did your show

And Adam's And everybody else is out here I got a spike in sales So I thought I'd refresh it You're like a businessman You made a smart business move A little bit Decided to come out to LA

I did That's nice Beautiful So you know Does he ever need me to tweet anything? I'd be more than happy Seriously? Fuck yeah You shouldn't have said that I'll be hounding y'all H he ever need me to tweet anything? I'd be more than happy. Seriously? Fuck yeah.

You shouldn't have said that. I'll be hounding y'all. Hound me. Give me a hard time. But I, yeah, no. I did that thing with Amy Schumer, 12 Angry Men. Oh, yeah. How was that?

Yeah. That was so funny. I got to act with Paul Giamatti and Jeff Goldblum and John Hawk. Her fucking show is smashing right now. So, you know, things are kicking up. It's getting interesting because she's experiencing some backlash from some shit that she's always said. Yeah. You know, people are mad at her now.

It's interesting. Well, that's a little fucking sick, isn't it, John? What are we doing here? They eat themselves. Yeah. It's fun to watch. There's a cover of a magazine. See the cover of the magazine with her sucking on C-3PO's thumb?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. God forbid. Yeah, well, all these people were saying that, like, affront to feminism, and people are mad at her now. And, you know, it doesn't promote feminism for her to suck on a robot's finger. No, exactly. I mean, like you said, they're eating each other. But she did some Hispanic jokes. But it's not Hispanic people getting mad at her.

It's white liberal people getting mad at her. Exactly. I never have a problem with, you know, like minorities in the audience. They never have a problem with my shit. It's always white little liberal kids trying to defend their feelings. Seriously. Come on in, Adam. Come on in and have a seat. It's fucking embarrassing.

Put those headphones on, too, if you would. Yeah, it's a fucking... It's a real problem with comedy. Comedy is... A big part of what comedy is is saying shit you don't really mean. Because it's the funny thing to say. And if you're going to cut off that and you're going to make it really difficult

for people to express themselves honestly, you're going to get shittier and shittier comedy. You're going to have to only say what you mean always. I say what I mean. I do. And they have a problem with that too. That too. But even joking around about shit,

saying things that are clearly in just what's up dude what's up put that thing up to your face better there there it works man so met this guy last night he started talking to me about uh we'll tell him tell him the whole story which part the medicare part those issues yeah talk into the microphone has he ever done a podcast before anything like this he wrote. He wrote a book, right? Yeah. Did he really? Two of those.

Yeah. Two of those things, man. And what is the book? The first one is Mastering Life Transitions, and the second one is Chemical Incarceration, Addicted to the Process. And so you were working with people that are drug addicted, and you felt like it was like a money scam? It is.

I mean, it's a process they set up to addict you from the beginning. I mean, they bring you in for a 30-day rehab. And what I'm talking about are government-funded facilities, you know, Medicare facilities. They get you to come in, and for 30 days, they basically switch out whatever hard drugs you're on with their synthetic drugs. Why they make, you know, the facility owners get $1,500 a day per patient inpatient facility. And then they're discharged. You're kind of pushed to say, hey, discharge them to our outpatient facility. Sure.

Because then they make another $500 to $700 a day per patient for four to eight weeks. How ridiculous is that? Government scam. Less government, Joe. Less government. It's crazy because the patients want the drugs in the hospital, but the hospital owners take care of the patients almost like they're VIP clients at the Ritz-Carlton.

That's so crazy. Adam, tell everybody your full name, man. Adam Lowry. Yeah. And what's the name of your book? The second one is Chemical Incarceration Addicted to the Process. The first one is Mastering Life Transitions. And it's all...

Are they both on the same subject? No. Mastering Life Transitions was... I came up with my own theory. It's called TSBT, Transrational Structure Behavior Theory. Holy shit! That's what I said. A whole bunch of psychobabble shit. Then I summed it up to the

Cognitive Rampage, and that's essentially what I call it. What's the Cognitive Rampage. That's essentially what I call it. What's the Cognitive Rampage? That's actually the website, CognitiveRampage.com. Can I use that for a CD? It's a great band. Please, man, go ahead. That's a fucking great name. Cognitive Rampage.

What's Cognitive Rampage entail? For me, when I'm talking or I'm giving my delivery or I'm giving my speeches or whatever I'm talking about, I get really rampaging. And I get intense. I'm giving my delivery or I'm giving my speeches or whatever I'm talking about I get really rampaging And I get intense. I mean I'm trying to fucking help somebody's life. You get old Donald Trump like Different yeah, I mean I just got tired of that therapist that sit there you will tell me how that makes you feel and then You know treat you in some pompous manner and dance around you for a half and a fucking hour Hoping you in some pompous manner and dance around you for half a fucking hour hoping you figure some shit out.

So for people that get hooked on drugs and they get involved in some sort of recovery program like that where they instantly take the drugs that they were on and they put them on another drug that just has a similar effect but it's legal, I mean, they really don't do anything. No. Not a fucking thing. That's common? That's like most of the time what happens?

That's period what happens. What's crazy is you could walk into a drug treatment. Now, these are Medicare funded now. Medicare, not like Passages of Malibu, not like that. But if you walked in, you're supposed to be greeted by a physician and diagnosed within the first day or two. Makes sense. Well, to cut costs, you walk in and a high school graduate fills out your admission paper and throws on your diagnosis. Bipolar.

All right? You can't even diagnose anybody with that until they're off drugs. fills out your admission paper, and throws on your diagnosis. Bipolar. Right? You can't even diagnose anybody with that until they're off drugs. Until they're back at baseline. But you can't take them into your inpatient unless they have one of those labels so they can get paid for it. Well, there you go. So the legal way of diagnosing someone as being bipolar, you've got to wait until they're free of all drugs. That's right. So they do it illegally?

That's right. And everybody knows? Everyone knows. Whoa. At. So they do it illegally. That's right, and everybody knows everyone knows whoa At the willow in Naples West government Where I was fucking government. Yes, he's right and that in this sense, right? It doesn't I mean though at least it's keeping people off the streets I guess but how much money is being spent and it's all tax dollars right if it's Medicare It's all of our money. I mean, but what's funny is the patients think it's all tax dollars right if it's Medicare oh it's all of our money I mean but what's funny is the patients think it's their money so when they're sitting in the rehab right it's hey doc I need my pills right therapist

you need to discharge me here do this for me I'm essentially their fucking travel agent I mean the book what I talked about addicted to the process what incentive does somebody have to quit doing drugs all right let's say you have very minimal education nothing going for you have to quit doing drugs, all right? Let's say you have very minimal education, nothing going for you. I can quit doing heroin and cocaine and maybe go, I don't know, clean shit for a living or something. But then I can't even have a drink to waste away the shit day I just had. So what they do is they'll come into a 30-day treatment facility, do their 30 days, but it's bed and breakfast, it's drugs, it's smoking, it's sex even in most of them.

Sex. Yeah. They take away ambition, government programs. That's what they do. The bathrooms become fucking hostels. It's crazy. It's crazy. And then after 30 days, by law, I have to find them where they're going to live, where they're going to get their next drugs from,

and how they're going to get there, and their doctor. So, it eliminates all the ambition they might have to get their next drugs from and how they're going to get there and their doctor so it eliminates all the ambition they might have to get their shit together completely enables them wow that's insane but would you want to quit would you want to quit i do 30 days i was on heroin for a while not me but let's say i was and i walk in i do 30 days i meet some new fine-ass chick in a meeting that sees life the way i do and we're going to conquer this together so we get discharged to conquer this together. So we get discharged to say, I don't know, I've always wanted to see Savannah. Well, by law, I've got to discharge them, find their house, find their doctor.

What? We then fly them there or send them on a bus. On our dime. Then they go to outpatient facility, four to eight weeks on our dime again, just to hang out with more people that don't want to quit, Party some more for a while, only to relapse and go, well, I guess I'll admit myself to this Savannah rehab then. Do another 30 days, come out, and I'll go, well, I've always wanted to go to Vegas.

Where's the ambition to get clean, or the incentive? Same with welfare. Where's the incentive to work? You're going to go out and get a $40,000 a year job. You can get that in benefits. This seems like I would have heard of this. That's why you freaked me out. When we were talking last night, it was after the show and I was talking to him when there's a bunch of people around there's Dom Herrera we're hanging

around with and it was it was hard to like get a real bead on how deep this went just with all those other people around all that but what you're saying doesn't make any sense because it seems like not that I don't believe you but it seems like that would have been so obvious a long time ago that that's a ridiculous way to do things. You can't, because if I'm like what would be a licensed therapist, if I say anything, I get blackballed from ever working at any facility again. Oh, my God. So no therapist, after you go get a $150,000 degree, you got debt you got to pay. If you speak out against what's happening, you're blackballed, and that's it.

All these facility fact-checkers know each other. Wow. What's your title? Your work title? Well, I can't say therapist anymore. I'm not a licensed therapist, because fuck that. I don't want it. I gave it back, and I don't believe in practicing some conservative structure to help change somebody's

life. So it's just me, with a master's degree, some life coaching stuff. You're a freelancer. Okay. What is your degree in? Mental health counseling. Wow, man. What a trip that must be to be embedded in that system like that.

Dude, it fucking killed me to be straight with you, man. You know, when I first got in, I was, you know, because I really changed my life from the shit I used to be in. Turn it around, show up ready to, you know, help people and get involved only to see everyone around me. It's corrupt. They've given the fuck up. Wow. That's so crazy that there's so much of a money grab going on.

I never had heard that before. Nobody has a reason. I mean, the facility owners are making millions. The people getting treatment are getting their drugs in a bed and breakfast place. Why would they want to say anything? Therapists can't say anything. He'll lose his fucking job. I want to do heroin.

Come on, Nick. Let's do some heroin for a couple months. That's strange. From what I hear, Zaboxan is much better. The synthetic stuff that we make. I was going to say, give your white chitter on the corner of your mouth. What is Zaboxan? This is the other thing you were telling me last night. They replace the heroin. The people come in we make. I was going to say, thanks for the tip. Pro tip. Gives you a white chitter on the corner of your mouth. Yeah, what is Zoboxin? This is the other thing you were telling me last night. They replace

the heroin. The people come in and they have a heroin addiction. They replace it with Zoboxin, but the difference is that heroin is pretty cheap, and Zoboxin is fucking really expensive. There you go. Like, what is the difference in the money? Well, now you can get Zoboxin pills on the street for 20 bucks to 40 bucks. Depends on who has it. And it's cheaper than your fucking copay.

Wow. Yeah. Your copay when you buy it from a pharmacist is more expensive than buying it on the street many times depends on your plan d so many pro tips so many pro tips brian is ready to get on heroin he's like i have found he's just brian's moving into a new apartment my new apartment find some skinny heroin chick with her blue baby crawling on the ceiling. You don't want a blue baby, but you do want a skinny heroin chick. Good taste in music, some distasteful tattoos. Like a low baby. Some knuckle tattoos, a shady past, but she's a good cuddler. Have you been in a rehab joke?

No, I just kind of see the picture now. It's very Bukowski 76. You can't go on 60 Minutes or anything because you'll be outcast. One of the owners I worked for actually has already even been arrested for Medicare fraud in 1985, and he still owns four hospitals today. Maybe all of the people that you're learning this from are fraud, and so you're just outing all your bosses, and they don't actually do this. Oh, well, no, my bosses were good.

My direct bosses. Now, Leo D'Anibal was my mentor, man. Oh, not Leo. Awesome dude. Don't mention names, bro. Leo's listening. He's a good dude, but... And this is in Florida.

Yeah. See, that's such a fucking whacked-out state. Is that, like, everywhere in the country, or is it just Florida has this... Well, what's crazy is Florida has its own Medicare fraud phone number why every other state calls one number? Hilarious man it is oh my god. What a wacky ass fucking state so what he was telling me last night We were talking about the Oxycontin express that documentary about all the people that were getting these uh oxycontin prescriptions from those pain management centers and he said that they had replaced it was a box and they just started telling me because he told

me he's a drug counselor and i was like oh i need to fucking hear what's going on down there and i didn't expect the can of worms that you opened up i was like like, what? I can't. How much? How much money is going on? What? And that's just Florida? That's just Florida. So what happens in Massachusetts or California or something like that? I haven't done therapy there, but what's funny is all of the patients that wind up at the Willow are on the rounds.

So they come from California. They come from Boston. They come from all these places. And the Willow is just around. So do they have a time frame where they have to get out by? It depends. Different plans. So they have like 90 lifetime days that every year rebirth. And then you

have 160 days during the year. So you can go in 30 days, come out 30, wait 30, it repopulates again. Now, the patients, the people that use this, they know these systems better than the doctors do. Better than the insurance specialists and everything. The place I was at actually has a sales force up front. They call the people that come through there alumni and frequent flyers.

And so they'll call them and go, hey, it's been a while since you've been in, whoever. Why don't you come in for a medication adjustment? It's illegal as fuck. And they call them in for medication adjustment. And so who's instigating that? Is it the employees? Is there a director that tells the employees what they have to do? Like, how does that work?

They keep it really, really close. So there's two or three friends that are close with the owners that work in the, well, it's not sales department. It's the admissions department. But we all know it as the sales department, it's the admissions department, but we all know it as the sales department. It's like an Audi dealership. The undercoating. It's like Fargo.

You have 50,000 Zaboxan points. But they won't call you unless they know you have days left. What? If you don't have days, they can pull up your chart and go, alright, he's got 10 days. He's usually here every three months. He hasn't been back. I wonder how he's doing.

Let's call him up. Hey, I know you're fighting sobriety and may have been sober for three months, but why don't you come back for medication adjustment? Wow. Medication adjustment. So if you were really feeling sober and you had kind of like graduated past the demons of the pills and you were off of it, but then you got that phone call. Motherfucker.

You got that phone call. It's like, look, I got it for you. How about a medication adjustment, baby? Man, the dope boys have left the corner and put on white coats and moved into psychiatric hospitals. That's another good album. Medication Adjustment?

Yeah. Yeah. I like that. That's a good name. That's a good one. Medication Adjustment. I like that one. Yeah.

Thugs in white coats. That's amazing, man. That's amazing. It's amazing one. Thugs in white coats. That's amazing, man. That's amazing. It's amazing that that's the system in place. Well, at least in Florida. So is that how they're making up for the money that they lost by selling all the Oxycontins? It's the pharmaceutical companies are. They're always out to get the money. Now, the Zaboxan story is pretty fucking

crazy. In the 70s is when Zaboxan started to come out. And the government was going to subsidize the payment and anybody to build this. Please build this pill for us. We know it works, etc. Pfizer and all the big boys said, fuck you, we're not touching it. We know it's addictive as hell. They left it alone in a mustard company that made from mustard seeds. Not Golden's. Don't tell me Golden's got people hooked on you.

So they were going out of business and they accepted the offer of the government. Got paid, took the subsidies and developed the drugs of boxing. Problem was... When you're making Pfizer look good, you're really fucking... That's coming from a right wing. The problem is they have laws on the books that a physician cannot prescribe a narcotic to get someone off a narcotic. So then they spend the next 30 years changing the laws. Now here comes the pill.

We're ready to market it, right? So it works kind of like methadone, but in the marketing meeting we go, look, guys, we can't rebrand methadone. What are we going to do? So they all sit around and they go, well, look, everybody going to these facilities is in AA or NA, right? So higher power stuff. So what do they do? The first stamp that they put on this pill is a Christian cross,

and they dub it the miracle drug. Yes, sir. Fed it to everybody. Hold on. So when you get it as a box and it has a cross on it? Used to. Not anymore. They changed it.

Please let me see that picture, Jamie. The little orange pill. He'll find it. Oh, my God. That is evil. Ain't that some shit? I didn't even think about that, but NA and 12-step, Alcoholics Anonymous, NNA, they're all God-based, right?

Higher power. Yeah. Helped a lot of people. The best acid was Jesus Christ acid. That's what I heard, right? Is that true, Brian? A lot of... Really?

Do you remember how many guys... You ever try the Moses weed? Do you remember how many guys came from Alcoholics Anonymous In a stand up? Because they learned how to stand up in front of those groups And make everybody laugh Dave Fitzgerald, remember Dave Fitzgerald? He died of cancer

Funny fucking guy Look at this, Jesus Christ Literally Is that a cross or a sword? That's a sword Meant to be both Are you trying to pin it on Christians? literally yeah is that a cross or a sword that's a sword that's not a cross meant to be both is it really

meant to be both are you trying to pin it on Christians did you think of this when you were a stone who came up with this this is a Jewish thing it's crazy right

look it's that N8 what the fuck's N8 and it's that gay rights thing the no hate thing it's N8 it's gay rights

and Jesus together in harmony in in heroin. It's amazing. I'll go with the eight milligrams of the cross, please. Yeah, it's definitely more sword-like than cross-like. But if you were like a super cross person, you could go. Or if you hated Christians. It was just a tall cross.

It does look like a knife. It does a little bit. But why that? No, exactly. Fighting against heroin addiction with heroin. With a knife. With a pointy thing. I think it's Tower 7. It looks like a goddamn syringe. How are you going to help people on drugs? Brian just said it's

Tower 7. That's what it is. Yeah. That is really fucking crazy though. that's how they do it. Now they're giving it to alcoholics, too, to get them off of that. Give you a little heroin to get off of alcohol? Mm-hmm. It's hilarious.

Isn't that some shit, man? It's hilarious that they're just allowed to do that. They could just decide they're going to just give you drugs. 90-day supply. You kick a user who's only been clean 30 days, you give him 90-day supply of Zaboxan and send him on his way to some other city. So do they have to take piss tests when they go into these rehab places? Nope.

So they might be on Zaboxan and who knows what the fuck else. They are. They trade them. They trade them. We have athletes pissing into cups every two weeks, but people who need the help. Exactly.

Right? We pay $1,500 a day and we don't drug test them at all. Right. We drug test them when they get there just to find out all the shit they're on, so if they give them other shit, they don't accidentally kill them. Wow. That's it.

I want to know if this is all across the country. I want to know if this is like California. Is it Michigan? Of course it's only in Florida. Mostly. Right near the cocaine. Probably, right? It's exactly it.

It's one of the craziest places ever. It's the easiest place to get drugs. Yeah, I would agree. Right? Yeah, I would agree. That state? Now you don't even need insurance or money. It's hard to get pot.

You've got to go to Vermont for that. It's not an easy spot to get pot, right? It's a little shifty. Yeah, you've got to park and meet somebody. As opposed to walking into a government-run facility. As opposed to getting it delivered to you with your breakfast in the morning. Can I speak to my senator, please? I need a buzz.

I mean, they're essentially giving them pills and giving them a house to live in. Yeah. And then transport to any city they want to go hang out with more drug addicts and have some more fun. And we're paying for it! That's right. Now I understand where Nick DePaul's anger comes from. Goddamn right. That's where that right-wing rage, that Fox News

rage... No, it's fuckin'... You keep saying that, Joe. are you watching msnbc fox's red eyes a good show isn't it a good show they don't pay and there's no exposure i quit doing it they don't pay no they don't pay you at all nope whoa i used to bust gutfeld's balls when i was doing it i go what the you're on at three in the morning not exactly a lot of exposure i'm getting no money and now you want me to research the topics, but don't they have like a scale They don't have like a none of that not what which is funny

I know cuz I think I'll successful you know and also score it those shows are good because they have guys like you on I Mean, that's what makes them fun. You know guys like you and Norton and Anthony right? You open Anthony fan brother. Oh, I am. Fuck yeah, right? I am, man. It makes me sad that they're still split up. I thought they would have worked the shit out by now. Yeah. Got back together again.

Yeah. Poor Anthony. Hopefully they will. Hopefully they will. So you stopped doing this. You gave up your license. And what are you doing now? You're doing more counseling now? No, I can't say say i'm not allowed to say counseling and therapy because the license

thing but so now you're doing like uh you're just helping people with their lives actually i do a thing that i call full synergy right it's some fun language play shit but for the most part man i believe in feeding the mind feeding the body and feeding whatever it is you believe equally on a daily you know keeping a balance you know the uh you know feeding the body, and feeding whatever it is you believe equally on a daily. You know, keeping a balance. You know, feeding the body relaxes the mind, etc. That kind of stuff, you know. And so what I'm doing is I use my theory. And instead of sitting down doing this talk therapy, so tell me about your fucking childhood or some shit.

Jesus. Because none of that shit really matters, but to a point. But it's going right into helping people kind of look at what their life philosophy is. You know, helping them build a more rational life philosophy to make decisions and build a purposeful routine is what I call a purposeful structure Yeah, so do you get clients from? Get them privately now. Okay, so they have to know about you from someone else or something Yeah, for the most part they how they find out about you usually a friend of a friend or somebody that knows I have this fucking talent of helping out the worst of the worst, man.

You know, the people that have been 15, 20 years on heroin and hard stuff. And we do some out-of-the-box treatments ever since I started listening to your show. Uh-oh. What kind of out-of-the-box treatments? Don't blame me, man. Do mushrooms. What kind of out-of-the-box treatments are you doing, sir? Just an open idea to look into it myself DDT

That shit that kills mosquitoes Shanka Right My wife and I Just finished the Little psilocybin retreat If you will me and her at the Joshua Tree Did you tell the drug addicts about this?

Yeah. You let them know? Yeah. You could try some other stuff? Yeah. That would be amazing. If they had a fucking mushroom place where you can go, just like they're doing with the Suboxone shit, if you had a halfway mushroom house.

Well, like you said, that shit changes your perspective sometimes, right? On life, so it might even work in the... It does. Does it? I'm afraid of that shit. It would work way better because you'd want to get the fuck out of that halfway house. That's the first thing you'd want to do. You'd be ambitious.

You'd be like, I gotta get... This is not what I'm... I'm doing the wrong thing. I gotta get my life in order. Like, what am I doing here? Accepting a government check and taking mushrooms? Well, you walk into a facility and they go,

bipolar, and they go, thank you, I can collect that check now. Yeah, exactly. So, now you collect those. Now you just... It's very small. You're not getting rich off of it by any means. No, but it's enough to take any ambition away.

But if I give you 90s of boxing and you only need 30 and you sell the 60. Well, there you go. What are you going to do with that money? There you go. So what is it? Is a boxing like one a day and they would give them 90 for 90 days or 90 for 30 days? 90 for 30 days. Oh my God.

So they give three a day. So you'd just be barbecued all day long. Done. Just been toasted. I'd have people sitting in my group therapy. Nodding right there. Drooling. Zaboxing the fuck out.

Colada pins, Zaboxing, and Dilaudid. That is crazy that this is a therapy program. That you guys would be talking to people just jacked out of their mind. Out. So maybe Brody's on to something this whole time What's that sound as that trash can thing outside though, that's so loud maybe Brody's on us something shit Yeah, I mean he's been weaning himself off lately supposedly. What do they have him on Kalani? I don't know a ton. They have him on as a boxin

They I never heard it's the boxin because that's the thing when you said that name I don't know, a ton. Did they have it on Suboxone? I haven't heard Suboxone. Because that's the thing, when you said that name, I was like, have I heard that name from Brody before? Maybe. I don't know. See, I don't know enough about those fucking pills to know exactly what that means. You know, like I didn't know that Oxycontin was different than Oxycodone. It's different than Vicodin. But they're all kind of similar, right?

After all that Oxycontin Express stuff, they changed the compounds in it so it so it become less addictive and also so you couldn't smoke it anymore really yeah that's why they changed it wow that's amazing so that documentary did a world of good huge huge anybody who hasn't seen that you got to watch it there wasn't that long ago they were running this they had these pain management centers you'd show up at the pain management center oh my back the doctor would go yeah man you need some fucking drugs just walk right there and there's another desk right there that had the drugs i mean like literally he was like in the same room with them and he would go right to the pharmacist the pharmacist would write you a little thing and give you a package and you're out the door and you've got drugs one of the clients i work with his his scan that he used to do is he would get like three or four big charter

buses, those giant ones, and fill it with senior citizens from another state, drive them down to Florida and promise them a trip to Florida, sightseeing, and lunch. Drive them down here, get all their scripts, fill them all completely, drive them back and keep all of their medications. Whoa.

Yeah. So did he get the scripts from them? Did they have to sign the scripts over? All of it. So it was part of their deal. They realized it. They go, yeah, you can do this. And is that legal or is that all? No, that's all illegal. That was hitting the pill mills you were just talking about. Jesus Christ. Let's get a bus. How much money could you make off of a bus of old people and their pills?

Go to Miami. Figure 60 people, 30 to 90 pills at 20 to 50 a pill. I'm not even smart enough to be a criminal. That just pissed me off about all this shit. I don't think this is one of those legal. This isn't legal. No. But it is legal to have those pain management centers and just walking out the street.

They're cracking down on them all in Florida. They're really pushing them out now because of that. Because of the documentary, they've really shut them down, but all they've done now is turn to psychiatric facilities. There's three different levels of psych facilities. And now Obama put out another five, was it five million or five billion to open up more

because there's a need for it. You said Obama. You said the O word for Nick DiPaolo. Ah, shit, that's twice. The government ain't coming from my side of the fucking it sounds good because it's wrapped in the shroud of we're opening more mental health facilities that's what they always wrap their bullshit exactly it's a good it's a convincing argument against big government for sure it's a convincing argument that people when you give them the opportunity to make a shitload of money by controlling a segment of anything whether it's's, you know, whatever it is, mental health, anything.

As soon as they figure out there's a spot where they can start extracting money, they just do it. They take your ambition away and make you... You focus on that a lot, right? And it's totally true. I mean, anybody who says it's not, the idea that you... You become reliant on it. You violate human nature.

Like, human nature is if someone has to scratch and scrounge, you get ambitious, you figure your way out of a hole. That's what most people do. A lot of the people that I've seen in these hospitals, you see a glimmer of hope that want to do that, but then they're hit by the same phrase I get way fucking tired of hearing. It's not your fault. You have a disease. There you go. Jesus.

There you go. Those motherfuckers. That's like a blanket statement for the times we live in. Nothing, nobody's responsible for anything or accountable for anything. That happened in the 70s too when Mr. Carl Rogers came out with positive psychology. When we sit in front of you and tell you how great you are at everything despite how shitty you are at

everything. And so as we start to tell you you're great at everything, now we can go, well, it's not a disease. It's a disease. I mean, it's not your fault. So, you know, just be an AA the rest of your life. Do nothing. Wouldn't you agree, sorry to interrupt you, but it's kind of a disease? To a point. What they're really trying to say is that after a long time of doing it, we don't know what's up with your brain. You know, you had Carl Hart, Dr. Carl Hart on here, a huge follower of him. Yeah, he's awesome. When he know, you had Carl Hart, Dr. Carl Hart on here, a huge follower of him. Yeah, he's awesome.

When he did, you had it on here, the brain scans. Everyone's seen the famous brain scan of methamphetamine and not. This person's on meth, this person's not. And you see the dark blue part and the light up part of the brain. Well, what they don't tell you is that's normal differentiation. If all of us took a brain map right now, it would all be different. And the difference between the person on meth and not on meth is within normal range. It means fucking nothing.

Really? It means absolutely nothing. Whoa. So people just sort of acclimate to it? They see a picture. You know, it's McDonald's. I want that. There it is right there.

Yeah, that. That's it. How hilarious. And he would say it means absolutely nothing. It's all normal differentiation. Wow. So it varies throughout the day. It varies based nothing. It's all normal differentiation. Wow. So it varies throughout the day. It varies based on what you're doing.

Yeah. Wow. Remember, he says that 85% of the people using methamphetamine have never been to rehab, never been on disability and work. Yeah. He was very illuminating. A lot of things he was saying about what it actually feels like to get off of a drug. He's like, everybody makes it out like it's this horrible thing to withdraw.

It's like having the flu. It's like you feel shitty for a little while. Alcohol and benzodiazepines are truly the only two drugs you can die detoxing from. Alcohol is the worst. It affects every organ in your body at once. Isn't that what took out Amy Winehouse? I think that's what took her out. I think

she got off of alcohol. Withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, it just whacked her out. Isn't that crazy? Fucking what took her out. I think she got off of alcohol. Withdrawal symptoms. Yeah, and just whacked her out. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Fucking alcohol did her in. I know. So how can you fix this thing? How can this thing be fixed?

Joe, she's dead. Nick the pop. Joe, she's dead. There's nothing we can do about it. Nick? No, it's not him. Oh, okay. The first thing is decriminalization, period.

I mean, you don't lock somebody up when they just need help trying to get their life together. And A, drugs are a fucking symptom. Stop treating the symptom. I mean, we got people all cooped up telling them they got fucking personal defects, whatever the fuck that means, and then sitting them in a circle and going... I have a few of those.

No, no, but your higher power made you perfect. Oh, okay. I was trying to get better, but not anymore. We could just start a Kickstarter and try to get a border around Florida give it to like Puerto Rico or At what point do you get offended when someone has a Kickstarter Do you get offended when someone likes to want to kick start like a tour or kick start like a t-shirt line? Kick-starting like hey pay my rent people like that's a lot like I like like I saw a kick-started I did Ren and Stimpy I forget his name a very popular artist, and he wants to do a new cartoon

I you know it's that kind of stuff. I'm like creating something right, but isn't he rich enough already No, I don't know if he kept that money might have been doing I get sick kids. That's the one I always see yeah There's a lot of that one. Hey, my kid's sick. Those GoFundMe ones, the problem with those, like somebody will tweet them, would you please retweet this? And you're like, I definitely want to if it's real, but I definitely don't want to if it's fake. Exactly.

So you don't, it's hard to tell. And so you got to do a little fishing around before you, or you just got to say, well. And then it's just too much work. Cause you like, like I have to research and see if this kid even exists. I asked for the x-ray of the kid's liver. I need a blood sample. If you're in Florida, they would give you the x-ray. Blood, stool, and urine.

Yeah, mail that kid's log to me. FedEx that piss to me tomorrow and I'll send you six bucks. It's nice that people do that, though. Like when something legitimately does come up and someone can help somebody, I think it's cool. I think it's one of the cooler things about the Internet that we have and that's ultimately what charity really should be right it shouldn't be like something that the government provides that's right the people free market each other yeah right well we i mean for the government essentially to we have so many you know hands in the pot i mean if we're all on an island and we all got some sort of virus, we got to finish the whole antibacteria, right? We got to finish the antibiotic, right, to be able to cure it.

Well, what we're doing in the United States is going, here's 10, oh shit, here's 10 problems. Out of these 10 problems, all of you get one antibiotic. There you go. And then we'll be fine. That's what we're doing. I mean, you eventually got to pull everything and go, all right, we have to fix this first and then we'll move on. You know, one person or one field or one group of people has to finish the antibiotic to help out with the virus before we're just passing out to everybody. Did you ever feel while you were working there that you were engaged in, like, a system that will never be fixed? Fuck yeah. I mean, you must feel like that.

It broke me, man. No shit, it broke me, man. I was, I walked in, you know, ready, like I said, ready to help the world and do what I can. And by the time I had to leave, you know, well, kind of asked me to leave after about a year or so, I was just like, what the fuck? You know, I started feeling bad for the patients that are caught up in it because now you're hooked on it so much, you believe it. I mean, and a lot of people are just doing what the white coat tells them.

I mean, that's how we're taught. you know so you trust your doctor but the days of trusting your doctor these days unless you find really good ones is fucking dead man yeah i mean i got parents that call me that are friends of mine and they're talking to me about putting you know their their kids on these drugs or this drug and he's like a six-year-old who's just an awesome fucking kid yeah he's just running around like a badass you know doing kid shit yeah get the little boys on redland make 10 minutes i try to convince this person nothing's wrong with their own child yeah oh something's wrong okay look so i'm like yeah look he's five and he's awesome well when they tell you that a kid can't pay attention in school so you got to put him on adderall i was talking to my friend justin about this just yesterday

couldn't pay attention in school so they're putting him on put them on Adderall. I was talking to my friend Justin about this just yesterday. Couldn't pay attention in school, so they were putting them on Adderall. I go, dude, school is boring as fuck. Especially for a kid that is a wild little kid. Exactly. Wild, energetic kid, so they'll tell you there's something wrong with you. They put them on methamphetamine. Methamphetamine. Yeah. That's what it is, right?

What is it, a close cousin to methamphetamine? Yeah, it's just one additional molecule that changes the makeup, but it's essentially the same thing. Does it have the same effect on impulse control? Because isn't that a big thing with meth? They start doing really dumb shit. People that may have ADHD or whatever

that is, they may have it. Say they drink caffeine or they do something like Adderall or a stimulant, it causes focus. And so you get focus, and if somebody that doesn't have attention problems or et cetera drinks your coffee, you get hype, you get moving, you can't stay still. Right. So it does the opposite?

That's right. Somebody who's got ADD, if they drink caffeine, they tend to focus more? That's right. So that makes, and I've heard that people that have ADD that drink coffee, sometimes they go to sleepy. That's right. That's me. 100.

Brian. I could drink coffee at 2 in the morning and That's right. That's me. 100. Brian. I could drink coffee at 2 in the morning and fall asleep. But isn't that also a tolerance issue? Not me. I get nuts. Because you drink a lot of coffee? Because you drink a lot of caffeinated beverages, right? That's true.

And now that these cold-pressed coffees, everyone has these cold-pressed, they're like 10 times the amount of caffeine than like a regular iced coffee. This is 10 times more than an iced coffee from Starbucks. An iced coffee from Starbucks is 10 times more than an iced coffee from Starbucks. And iced coffee from Starbucks is 10 times more than a hot coffee from Starbucks. There's some crazy amount. So cold brew has more caffeine?

Oh, yeah. You've got to try one of those. Open up that refrigerator and get one of those caveman coffees. I'm going to try that. Those nitros? Take can't even keep them in stock. Oh, dude. They get you a little too amped up.

Go to the gym with those. They tear muscles. Yeah, I started taking them. There's some things you may not know about your own alpha brain and new mood, man. I wanted to tell you. What do you want to tell me? One, I fucking love it. It changed my life.

But I don't want to put it out there and people may think that it really does what I'm going to say it does. But it's what it did for me. Okay. Literally. That's good to hear. Quit smoking cigarettes because of that. How's that? I don't fucking know.

I don't think you could quit smoking cigarettes because you didn't How's that? I don't fucking know. I don't think you could quit smoking cigarettes because you didn't want to smoke cigarettes. I mean, I think what AlphaBrain does is it helps your memory, helps what they call executive function, even helps reaction time. There's all sorts of things that have been proven that all the ingredients in that stuff do.

And new mood. Well, those are good things. Well, I had Dr. Rhonda Patrick on the podcast yesterday, and she's amazing. And she was talking about addiction. And she was talking about people with impulse control issues and related that to serotonin deficiencies and 5-HTP and L-tryptophan, which is what new moods made out of, which converts to serotonin in your body and how important that is to maximize that, to keep you... Like, literally, your impulse control and addictions and things like that can be affected that to keep you like literally your impulse control

and addictions and things like that can be affected by those chemicals that are in your brain and you can supplement those those chemicals and literally change like the way you behave it's fucking bizarre stuff naturally without naturally without drugs that's right yeah and no withdrawal symptoms if you don't take alpha brain you just didn't take it doesn't do anything to you same thing with just regular 5-htTP that you can get at any store. Just regular 5-HTP that you can get at any vitamin store will absolutely enhance your brain's production of serotonin.

So much so that they tell people that are on SSRIs to not take it. Because if you're taking that stuff, you could get like serotonin syndrome where you have too much serotonin. I want that. God, please let me have that. I ate mushrooms twice in Toronto this last weekend. Oh, shit, son.

Friday and Saturday night. But the second day, I don't know if mushrooms takes your serotonin at all, but Saturday I was so sad. I was crying at everything. I was just in my hotel room crying. I've never heard that before. Does it? I'm sure it wasn't at the hotel. Does it do that?

But all you got to do is pop two new mood after that and you're great. Yeah. So it's just your levels get depleted From my mushrooms. I didn't never heard of mushrooms, but that's what somebody else told me because I had the second night I was just a mess. Maybe it's just the two nights in a row. You just wrecked it Yeah, do you still off the cigarettes? I kind of cheated in Toronto It was hard your mushrooms and everyone's smoking and I went to this bar hard. You're on mushrooms and everyone's smoking. I went to this

bar. I went to this bar. I went to this bar. It was awesome. It's called the Bill Hicks Bar. This guy owns a bar called the Bill Hicks Bar. It's this really small bar. You walk in and it's the most amazing little hole-in-the-wall bar. Drinks are super cheap. He's just a huge Hicks fan. He's the nicest owner

ever. What a great idea for a bar. I highly recommend it. It's called Bill Hicks Bar. It's right down the street from the Comedy Underground. From the Louie Anderson pub. It's a Louie Anderson daycare. You got to see Hicks when he came through Boston, didn't you? I got

to see Hicks when I moved to New York. Oh, really? Yeah. He actually came up to me and said he liked one of my bits about girls having dirty tits or something. He did. He goes, I or something he did i remember that bit dude yeah i remember that bit that was hilarious and i was like oh my god i was like ted williams just told me i could hit a baseball you know i was like looking yeah even when he was like in his 30s he was just such a strange guy yeah everybody he was like a mystical guy like

even before you know he died really young he was only like 32 or 33 when he died yeah the bill hicks bar. Yeah. All drinks, $2.95, $4.45. We walk in and he's watching like Fletch on this really small TV and he has all these records hanging up. Did it just start? It says this shit's open.

July 13th? Is that what it said? No, it's been open for a while. But yeah, he closed the bar just for us and everyone from the show came over and we just drank all night. Sounds like Brian's having Goddamn party in Toronto Look at you hanging out with Dean Del Rey partying rock star style And he's sitting there eating candy and just has bags of candy

He's like Brian check this out like all these different Twizzlers where I'm shrooming. Oh, yeah, he doesn't do anything, right? He doesn't do anything. He's been sober for 20 years. Meanwhile. He's wrecking his body by eating candy Oh, I that's what I was telling him because he he's like I quit caffeine I'm like, yeah, but you just ate seven Snickers bars and you have 20 gummy bears in your hands How they quit doing one of them Quit caffeine me. He was telling me the other day that it oh, yeah, my memories better. Everything's better quit that caffeine man I'm done quit caffeine. Yeah ate like a thousand dollars worth of barbecue you know the next day barbecue's not bad for you as bad for you as sugar yeah sugar is fucking bad

man that was one thing that ronda was covering yesterday like with the effect of inflammation of sugar when you when you eat it and what it does to your gut health. Poison, right? Yeah. Especially as we get the BRH, Nick DiPaolo, get a little bit older. I was never a sugar guy, though. No? No. I'm less of a sugar guy.

I'm getting so as I get older, though. I'm going the other way. I'm starting to like ice cream and shit. I never liked ice cream and cookies. They say that about old people. That's right. That's why I'm scared. That's my old man.

That's all he eats now. Seriously. Ice cream. He does. It's because you can taste it. That's right. Who said that? That's right, Brian. It's because you can taste it. That's right. Who said that? That's right, Brian.

No sugar? Note to self when I'm older. Is that just to leave the sugar alone? Yeah, it's just, it fucks with you. You can't help it. It's all you can taste. Is that what it is? Yeah, it's one of the big reasons.

I have a bit about it. That's why I eat girls' butts now, because I can taste it. What are they, shit and cotton candy? No, you can't taste it anymore. Many years of seasoning. That's why I'm eating it. When I think of sugar treats... That's how Brian thinks.

He's got a very linear path. He doesn't question it. Not if there's proteins up front. What is that shirt you're wearing? David Cho. Oh, it's one of his art pieces? Yeah. Oh, wow.

David Cho. I wore my special shirt today, too. What is that? Is that one of your clients? Former clients? Is that Al Chapo? No, it's a little kid with a gun. Is that Al Chapo?

That's right. That was his middle school picture. That's right. I stole it from my friend, Dee, but it's a shirt trying to get awareness that if the drug problem, what they're doing, the cartels are over there, this is how the kids are coming up. And it's just kind of doing awareness to the idea. Is that a real kid? Oh, I don't know how the drug problem, what they're doing, the cartels are over there, this is how the kids are coming up. And it's just kind of doing awareness to the idea. Is that a real kid? Oh, I don't know how they did it, but they made it happen.

He's got a big hand. He's got Will Chamberlain's hand. Probably has a fucking hog on him. Yeah, actually I got approached by three Mexicans in a parking lot when I wore this shirt that I thought they were gonna And they liked it? No. No, they're mad at you? They're mad at you? What'd they say? Hey, white boy. Well, who said they're Mexican? Then I explained it. And they were like, oh, that's good. Never mind. That? No. No, they're mad at you? They're mad at you? What'd they say? Hey, white boy. Well, who said they're Mexican?

Then they explained it. And they were like, oh, that's good. Never mind. That's good. That's good. But it's offensive at the first look. Like most people, they look at it and go, oh, shit. I'm offended right away.

Naturally. Get a drug for that, would you, please? Yeah, they do. The drug for that is called shame. Make them less sensitive. Right. Shame. A little Game of Thrones action.

Yeah. Do you watch Game of Thrones, Nick? No. How dare you? Fuck that shit. Natasha Leggero is hilarious. I brought it up to her. She goes, I don't like those shows that are just make-em-ups.

I can't. I'm with her. They just make things up. I can't suspend my disbelief. I can't even watch real movies where I'm watching Angelina Jolie beat up six fucking male Navy Seals. I'm sorry. I can't get that. Listen, if you know good moves and the heels are strong, they could take your landing on them.

That's the best. Stilettos. Stilettos. Ronda Rousey probably kicked a lot of dudes' asses with stilettos. Well, no, but I was going to say that to you. This is where political correctness always has to go one step too far. I'm watching Brian Gumbel and his stupid fucking real sports. And they have to make the comment.

The guy goes, Ronda Rousey is the pound for pound, both male or female, best mixed martial arts fighter. Well, gee, let's find that out. There's an easy way to find that out. There's no way to find that out. The reality about that is totally subjective. In his opinion, she could be the best pound for pound fighterpound fighter in the world, but you can never prove that. That's all just completely speculation. Well, you put her against a guy with her experience and her weight.

Mayweather. And then you find out. Yeah. Just like they did in the 70s. Remember Wild World of Sports? I think you've got to do pound-for-pound. You've got to separate the genders. This is why. But they didn't in the premise,e that's my point see the premise it's a fake

premise that's what i'm saying but it's a politically correct premise you're right you're right nobody calls people on this bullshit i'm fucking sitting there yelling at the tv well okay and both male female she's the best well let's fucking find out she's somebody was calling somebody on some bullshit last night on stage, man. You were killing it last night calling that shit out. I'm not giving away any bits or anything. Thank you very much. You were ripping somebody up, Joe? No, it was just fun.

No, it was awesome. Some people do it is all I'm saying. Some people call out bullshit. Yeah. Oh, Joe does. I did not know that. This is fucking weird, man. What a weird time we're in right now.

You know? This seems like there's more wackiness going on right now in the world than any time that I could ever remember. Does it seem like that? Like more hypocrisy, more contradiction, more chaos. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. We got to get through this shit right before it gets better, I'm guessing.

I don't know. Does it get worse before it gets better? It's getting better. I agree. When the language starts, when words don't mean's when the that's a sign of the times when language doesn't mean anymore like what do you mean uh political correctness like the it just doesn't mean anything anymore i i see people i saw people yesterday on the news out here somewhere protesting they were upset because the restrictions are too much on sex offenders. Oh, my God.

Once they release, they will picket him. Oh, my God. That's well fucking finished. Yeah, for real. Is that really someone who's protesting? If I made a movie making fun of, fucking, I couldn't believe what I was watching. It's like a parody of. The sex offender one is a fucked up one because there's evidence that shows that when you

molest a child, that child is more likely, you're gonna damage them so fucked up, they're more likely to molest somebody else. Like you can literally infect them with this sickness that you have. Most people that are molesters have been molested. How fucking crazy is that? I mean, it's just the gift that keeps on giving. Just horrible, horrible, horrible disease.

I mean, that's like a disease. It's like a disease of the psyche, like a herpes of the psyche, like more worse's like a disease of the psyche like a herpes of the psyche like more worse like an AIDS of the psyche You know the choice How dare you? Imagine running that study though enjoys Well certainly it certainly is a choice to decide whether or not to do exactly the same thing that happened to you But the desire to do it is what's fucked up like the idea like to everyone in this room

I just assume I like you guys I assume none of you want to fuck kids I know but I'm seeing I've seen a girl under age and I'm like holy shit piece of ass And I make the decision not to fucking try to move on her, but that's different That's what I'm 17 and 18 and one of the reasons why I'm talking 14 with a nice ass I'm talking 14 with a nice ass. How dare you? How dare you? Do you think there's less molesters now since porn has become so available and more available to people that you think there's less molesters? That's a good argument.

There's arguments for that. One of the arguments is that if you give people a release like video games or like watching even like really offensive violent porn porn that you release that tension inside of them And the other argument is that it stimulates their fantasy and I want to go out and make it reality I don't know which one's right. I don't need I think the problem is it's both I think with some people it's gonna stimulate their fantasies And they're gonna want to go out and actually do that and with other people it's gonna satiate their evil tendencies So some people that were molested that they think that's what you're supposed to do like you know somebody um you know like shit i was beat as a kid you know coming up a few it was violent enough and so early in my in my life i thought

that that's what you do somebody says no doesn't do shit you you hurt them or you hurt something you know right and so you just kind of register that this is what happens and this is what you do and so a lot of people they were you know i had a i don't know i want to tell a client story is that all right yeah yeah yeah sure just don't say any names yeah she she was molested for eight years by her brother and underneath out in the barn where the dad used to work on the car they had dug a hole and they would work underneath the car so the brother would take her in the middle of the night and do that then dad finds out eight years and then he joins in for the next 10 oh jesus yeah and counsel that shit what counsel yeah look at him and say it's not your fault you have a disease now you're fine go home oh my god yeah get through that you can't you can never get

a regular life back it's like that girl's life is so scarred with those images and memories i'm sure but now she'll think that's what she has to do so she goes and would begin to put herself in situations to be raped oh because that's the comfort zone that's what they're that's where they're supposed to be they believe now someone could possibly protest against if sentences to that that's insane. That's insane that people are protesting that They're developing communities now They're starting to move in one section of cities and gather in total cities like that through like websites or something for a channel Move into certain areas man and guess what it's in Florida

Was weird when I was like 18 First came out I go is there any episodes not from fucking floor No shit. I thought Florida was weird when I was like 18. It's fucked up, man. When cops first came out, I go, is there any episodes not from fucking Florida? The whole west coast of Florida. I was asking that years ago. And now, like, comics, there's a ton of comics that do that premise now. But I was like, every episode's from, what the fuck's going on in Ocala? I just left. I've been living on Marco Island in Naples down south.

Oh, I know where Marco Island is, yeah. I left there. You could probably change the Southwest Florida tagline to come be as racist as you want to be. You know what I mean? You could. It's crazy. I mean, in gated communities, they're hanging the old word up in the front. I mean, they're doing shit like that.

I found a word out in Florida that I never heard before. Geechies. What the hell is that? You ever heard of Geechies? Lost. Damn. Geechies is a derogatory term for African Americans. That's the first for me.

Really? No. And I'm from Okoy. A dude who lived in West Palm told me that. Yeah? They were saying that when they grew up, they were all using the word Geechee to describe black people. What does that mean? What's the derivative? I don't know. It's like their version of the N-word.

Wow. That's a first for me. Really? They just used the N-word. Tom Segura, holla at me. Tom Segura knows the story. As a matter of fact, I think Tom Segura was the one who told me about it. Tom Segura grew up in Florida. I got a yell back on the hey, Kane, on Sunset the other night.

Yelling like a black guy. Oh, you did that to him? Yeah, well, it wasn't to him. I just yelled it and I got it back, man. Oh, that's hilarious. I got a hey, Jay back, whoever Jay is. Hey, Jay. What?

Tom Segura does this thing. Explain the thing that Tom Segura does. He yells it out. You got to yell like a black guy shit I could try to do it then I don't need to do it he has this thing where if you go around a bunch of black people

yell like a black guy someone will yell back at you I heard you took the title did you take the title? no I took the title on Tom or Black. I'm the new champion of Tom or Black. I don't know if you know what that is, but Tom Segura on his podcast, he's got a fucking hilarious podcast with his wife.

His wife is a really funny comic. And Your Mom's House is their podcast. They do this thing where it's Tom or Black, where Tom pretends to be black guys. His audio recordings, it's either Tom or a black guy, and you have to guess. Oh, he can really nail that. It's pretty close, but I'm the champ. I fucking called him out. Oh, I am?

Seven out of ten, I was correct. Seven out of ten, though? Yeah. Yeah, I've got a good ear. I've got a good ear for bullshit. Oh, a lot of black. Yeah. But he's pretty goddamn good.

He's pretty good at it. There was a couple that really tricked me, but they're really hard. It's not the same audio quality. Like, some of them are recorded outside. Some of them sound like an old movie. And you know him. And I know him very well.

So it's kind of cheating. I was just yelling like it. Now it's just funny. What's up, Kane? What's up, dude? And then they yell something back at you. Because there was a time when I could slang that dialect. Well, you have that Florida accent.

I can crack it. Which is. Black school in the summertime. You've got a little bit of urban in your twang. I do that. I can go black most of my life. Yeah? Yeah. Did you grow up around a lot of black people?

I did. Did you? There you go. Both. Where I was from... Big Eminem fan? No. You're either redneck or ghetto.

That was it. Where I'm from. You only get two options? That was it, man. Liberal or conservative? Or you could be me in the middle and some days be called Wigger and then some days be called Preppy. Depends on what day it was and who you were hanging out with. Okay.

Florida's just such a strange, strange, strange fucking place. Yeah, it is, man. I went through immigration in Florida. Landed from Costa Rica to Florida. to Florida, and the person at the counter in Costa Rica when they were writing the what is it, the doc? Whatever it is when they have to take

account of everybody who's in the airplane. What's that called? The form they hand out? They have a form that everyone on the airplane, the docket, is that what it is? Airline docket? I think that's it. Everyone's name. Brian Redband.

They spell my name wrong. So because I spelled my name wrong, my name did not match up with the name on my passport. So I had to go through this fucking giant line. You go into this room and you can't believe it's real. You can't believe it's real. I mean, it's fucking insane. There are thousands of people. And they're all going through because there was some sort of an error.

And then once you get through that, you go into another room because they know that your baggage, if you flew from somewhere else and you have a connecting flight, they know your baggage is never going to fucking make it. You pick up your baggage. You have to go through the immigration. Then you pick up your baggage. Then you have to get on another plane. But everyone misses their plane. I mean, everyone misses their connection. Because the wait time is hours and hours and hours We gave ourselves two and a half hours. We were fucked by over an hour by over an hour

We were fucked it was insane and they won't take your your baggage within 45 minutes of the scheduled departure time Forget about the actual departure time because most of the flights are delayed, but the scheduled departure time They lock it down and if at 45 minutes till it gets delayed post that, it doesn't matter. They don't open up the luggage. Fuck you. So you are stuck in this insane maze of ropes and

people are going crazy and people have to leave to take a leak. They're holding it in if they can. I had my kids with me, five and seven. And they dealt with this for three hours. It's crazy. And they dealt with this for three hours. It's crazy. And it's fun after a while, but everywhere you look, Ebola signs. Ebola, Ebola, signs of Ebola, signs of Ebola.

And it's hot, and you're in Miami. And you're breathing and touching. Thousands of people. And I'm trying to tell my daughter, don't put your mouth on the railing. Don't put your mouth on this. She's five. You know, they have that. She's bored out of her fucking head.

Yeah, they touch their face and eyes. We're trying to play games. We're they touch their face. We're trying to play games. We're trying to joke around. We're trying to have some fun, trying to laugh about stuff. But after a while, it's five years old, three hours in this fucking stupid line, only to get up to find out that somebody just wrote my name down wrong. Jesus. That's what caused all that shit? Yes.

It was so ridiculous. It's so crazy. It's like her at Rent-A-Car at LA. Yeah. So trying to get... Yeah, there was no white people working There's no managers like Apollo there was Cuban now that wasn't my work in there But there's Cuban people working there that literally didn't speak English like I'd go now once I go to this machine

Where do I go for us code you ask us on your water the kiosk as a lot of the kiosk or the healing? This guy literally didn't speak english in america working at the airport that's what i was just pitching about you made me have to be a racist it's a different thing i'm not talking about hertz rental car yeah i know it's even worse do they don't speak english it hurts rental cars i couldn't tell what this guy was saying i'm serious he was mumbling he had an accent i had never heard of he wouldn't look me in the eye I'm serious. He was mumbling.

He had an accent I'd never fucking heard of. He wouldn't look me in the fucking eye. That doesn't make you a racist. You're the white oppressor. Yeah, I'm the white oppressor. You've got to get out of fucking Hollywood. You've been fucking there, poisoning you. You've fucking lost all touch with how it's supposed to be.

It's not hard to troll Nick DiPaolo. It's very, very easy to troll Nick DiPaolo. Oh, come on. Please. That and your nine cups of fucking Joe coffee. That helps, too. Gets you a little on the edge. I'm getting nuts. Don't fuck with that caveman coffee nitro.

Jesus, I can feel I'm half a Canadian. I've never had a real... I've never had a Red Bull. You've never had a Red Bull? No. No? If you want some real coffee. I get nuts on three cups of coffee.

I can't imagine. No, that just looks like... You are not going to drink that after he talked about licking buttholes. Yeah, exactly. Is that going to taste like sugar? You're not going to get anybody to drink out of that. It's the cleanest part of a woman. No, that just looks like you are not gonna drink that after he talked about licking buttholes Cleanest part of a woman Tumblr account people People are very upset at you right now. You must be eating some very skinny chicks. That's what Eddie Bravo used to say.

The girls are on meth. It's better to have anal sex with girls that are on meth because they don't eat, so they never poop. Oh, yeah. It's true. That's the rationalization. The fact that you know that. You could say that about a constipated girl, too. Now, when you're doing these counseling programs,

do they ever have people come in for weed? Yes, actually. What do you do, get them on heroin? Yeah. You're like, you fucking pussy. What are you trying to do, be healthy? Some of them actually come in for the job. They've been tested, so they have to come and go through it.

So I don't pay a lot of attention to them anyway So what do you do when you when you say if a guy comes in and they say you're sitting in the same group It's all group therapy which is the shitty part because a group therapy modality to treat drug addiction is awful, but it's cheap I was wondering a job where I could say modality No, actually sound like if I say it, you know, I'm an asshole. I have no reason to ever say modality. It's like a clever word. It's like you're... The group tool or the...

No, no, it's perfect. The word. It's just I'm making fun of my own vocabulary. But it's a bad one, man. I mean, AA and NA, I'm not going to front it, has helped millions. I mean, I'm a fan of whatever works for you. I mean, if somersaults work for you, fucking do that if it helps you. So I couldn't bash anything that helps people.

Right, right. But I will point out some flaws in systems. I mean, the cult-like existence of it. And then you tell them to change people, places, and things, but I need you every day to meet with the same people at the same places talking about the same things. Yeah, it does sound a little... I mean, how do you change your life if every night I got to show up and go,

well, I'm really missing that fucking needle. I really... And you'll see them, they paint these stories, and then people are around them like, yeah. Yeah. You can see, he's like, oh, man, you know, when you wrap it, and that whole ritual of going, and I have to stop them. I have to be like, dude, stop.

Two people leave the room. Well, you're right. They don't do that. Jenny Craig, they don't get up and go, I had this cheeseburger the other night. It was fucking tremendous. Tell me about it, Nick. Chipotle sauce. Oh, blue cheese?

What kind of cheese? I like blue cheese. Exactly. I was like, a cheeseburger with blue cheese. It's exotic. Oh, my goodness. A lot of ego stroking at that shit, man. That's a good point.

They go there, and they talk with romantic terms about how much they used to shoot heroin, and then you give them a Zaboxan. Then at the end they go, but I'm three days clean. And everybody's like, yeah! But they're taking Zaboxan. That's right. So you're not fucking sober. So is Zaboxan like the same effect as heroin?

It's all the same. All the same when it enters into the body? Mm-hmm. Wow. A lot of people, they get that white shit right here. I know a few people who took that shit now. I know I always wanted to know this What is the difference between heroin and methadone? I know methadone is really bad for you, but we used to when I used to play pool in New York

I used to play at executive billiards in White Plains that was down the street from this methadone clinic And so that we would call them the methadone Ian's they would come in and play pool And they were all like fucking completely zoned out slack jar just play put in there were terrible There's no one no dude. They were never they won't ever really learn how to play, but they would be there all the time They would come in there almost every day, but they never get good at pool They would just come in and zone out and bang balls around. It's it's the longest treatment for heroin. It's been around methadone If I couldn't get into the molecules and the breakdown of it that's not my specialty but from the behavior of it of how people use it it's still daily i mean and the methadone clinic will only give you up to so much so you go every

day get your dose and go on about your fucking day wow then you go back get your dose going about your fucking why is that a substitute it's not physically good for them because they control how much they give you so that's the only difference, really. They're controlling the amount. And it's an actual taxed synthetic. It's crazy, because it's actually worse for you. Is that right? Heroin is better.

Heroin's natural, right? Well, not really natural. That's maybe the wrong word. It's grass-excluded. It's poppies. No GMOs. Poppies. Organic heroin. Well, I always wondered why the fuck they can't grow in the United States.

I'm like, with all the greenhouses that we have, how come they can't grow coke here? Why do they have to get it from Mexico? I don't know. I've been trying for years. Nothing but weeds and tomatoes. Well, I mean, you think about why I invent the boxing to begin with. To make money, right? Well, 80% of the black tar heroin is from Afghanistan.

Well, if you want to fight an enemy, where do you hurt them? In the fucking pockets. That's where you hit them. Right. So what do you do? Back in, I don't know, 70s, 80s, heroin was pretty expensive to a point. It would fluctuate. And then Suboxone's hit, and all of a sudden heroin, you can get a $10 bag of black tar heroin easy.

Right. And a lot of people go to the heroin because prescriptions are too expensive, right? That's what they substitute. So if they run out and their copay hasn't come up yet or their days haven't flipped yet or they've sold all the pills, then they just stop by and they see the same guy. It's the same dude on the corner most of the time. He's like, what, Zoboxin or the heroin? And it's Switch.

But Zoboxin you just have to take as a pill whereas heroin you have to prepare you have to shoot it or smoke it or do something with it you like to cook late at night you're grilling your fish and you got your black tar blacked out in front of my steak facing the mashed potatoes you see that though with these facilities man that's why my friend ge, he died. And that's one of the things that happened before he died. He was out playing pool with some friends of mine, and he fucking passed out his mashed potatoes. He really did.

He fell asleep right into his food. And he was a straight-laced guy. Straight-edge guy. Didn't smoke cigarettes. He was a championship pool player. And then as he got older, he hurt his back somehow. That's how it starts. Got him on some fucking pills, and he was gone.

Keb was gone. I'd say half of the people in the group start out that way. They make us manage a group of like 15 to 22 if it's Medicare, and that's the group therapy I'm running. Many times I'm in 28-30, which is also a violation completely. But I'd say half the people in there were just normal guys. They got an injury or girls. They got an injury, something happened, car wreck or something, you know, here's a pill before you know it, you know, the divorce lost everything, you know,

there, you know, I had some epilepsy or some seizures and then they're sitting in there going, I don't know what happened. It's amazing that fast. Those pain pills, you know, can, it can take it when fucking marijuana does the same thing but does it though i don't know if it does extreme pain i've had i had a morphine drip morphine one of those more i enjoy the morphine night i had my shoulder injuries oh what do you have doing your shoulders no i destroyed them in high school did you ever get them oh yeah i had reconstructive on both i'm trying to avoid one i got a labrum tear on this one, but I got a stem cell shot the other day. I don't know if it's going to work. If it doesn't work, I'm going on to the knife.

But I woke up from one of the surgeries on morphine, and I got operated on Christmas Eve. I was like a senior in high school or whatever, and there was a big styrofoam candy cane in the room, and I hit the nurse over the head with it. Did you know

what you were doing? No, I was on fucking morphine. You're talking about a guy who all he did was drink in high school. I didn't fucking do drugs. All of a sudden, I'm on morphine. I don't know. I'll fucking get out of my room. Did it fix your shoulders?

Yeah, I played football in college after both operations. I had a guy named Lyle McCailey. I still remember his name. Wow. And I went to a doctor because I had a little bit of a tear a few years ago, and I mentioned my doctor's name. this is back in the 80s and he goes i just went to a harvard to listen to him speak wow the guy that worked on my shoulders so you had a tear recently that was like i had a slight tear like five five years ago and so they said they don't have to operate yeah no it was nothing but i i messed him up when I was younger. I fucking, I dislocated them

each about 30 times and I separated. I did every, this guy did 30 of these operations, 30 to 40 a year. He'd been doing them for 20 years

and he did my first one and he goes, that's the worst shoulder I've ever seen. Then he did my second one and he goes, that was worse than your first one.

Wow. Back in the 80s, we were lifting, we wouldn't stretch, trying to bench 300 pounds. You know what I mean? Just stupid shit. And know what I mean? Just stupid shit.

And then when I got hit in football, it was really the weights that fucked me up. I played ball for a little while. You helped me a lot when I was an open mic-er without even knowing it. Because I saw you on stage and I said, this guy does not look like a fucking comedian. He looks like a big football player with a handsome bastard. But yet you were funny. People hate you for that. They do.

Well, because we live in, this business is nerdville. This is their turf. Well, the term Mark Maron literally said, like he was joking around about it, but he said he really felt like, this is not for you guys. Yeah. This is not for you guys. Well, I thought I was insecure. I know. And I saw it because I was an open mic. But I saw you.

I go, oh, okay. He can do it. If he can do it. He's better looking than me. If he can do it. He's bigger and handsomer. I'm all right. I'll sneak in. Nick DiPaolo's working.

That's funny. I have a clip for me. Like, literally my second year in the business. Doing like an eight-minute set at the Comedy Connection. Yeah. And I have a suit jacket on. And it fits me like Shannon Sharpe was his on CBS Sportsbs it fit like a t-shirt it looks so stupid i get that greasy italian mullet i even hate it i'm looking at people hated me well you were a big thick dude

yeah i mean i you know played up at maine and was fucking lifting weights every day and yeah and you could tell the nerds just they want they just don't that's what kills me about people like this in this business they hate people who are intolerant yet they like you would go get the you know this guy's an they just automatically like to assume that you're one of those intolerant that beat them up yeah you're like which was true no i got along with everybody nerds got guys who did drugs and yeah so did i i knew a lot of guys that did drugs and i knew a lot of nerds I knew a lot of guys who did drugs, and I knew a lot of nerds. I knew a lot of guys who did drugs, and that's what kept me from doing drugs when I was in high school. That's right.

I had my friend Jimmy. He's got an older cousin, and we had some mutual friends, and his mutual friends, they were three or four years older than me. So when I was like 14 and 15, these guys were fucking hitting the wall. They were getting out of high school and just losing their fucking minds and selling drugs and falling apart and losing weight and getting addicted. I was watching guys spiral out of control. And I was like, fuck coke. Sometimes that's

the best way to show somebody. It sucks that somebody has to be your sacrificial goat. You have to watch somebody fall apart at the altar. It's true. Well, that's like a classic. It's a classic way that that's like, it's like classic. It's a classic way that people learn by watching other people fuck up. And when you take away the possibility of people fucking up, then you get into some weird state that you've got in these clinics.

Where it's like, you're not really fucking up, so you're not really hitting rock bottom. So the other people don't even see you as doing that bad. Right. Like, oh, there's Nick. He stays in the house That's the new normal. Yeah, give me the boxing. It's good. I got a good place with the boxing They have these rehab romances that happen all the time. It's it's a thing They they're in there, you know, because I think people connect in fear when they do love So two people will meet and they'll go like how dare you well, what's your disability check?

What's my disability check they go like, you know well what's your disability check what's my disability check they go like you know what i love you we can do this together yeah and then they go out and doesn't make tattoos well they did an episode nail polish that's my girl well you see them they all have the bands on because they get bands from the meetings that they go to and so they wear certain everyone beads and so you'll see the 12-step beads all over tons of beading and there's arts and crafts. It's summer camp. And then a week later, they're down at Mardi Gras throwing them at some guys.

Second party! It's weird because I got notes of summer camp to where these people come back so much. Their hand things they draw and their art that they did the last time in rehab are all over the wall and shit. And so they're coming back like it was... They're serious. They draw their hands and their five affirmations. Oh, five affirmations.

Oh, it wasn't a hand. They have diseases. It's a disease, Nick. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I know. But it's kind of a disease, right? Being addicted. No. He says nope. Just nope. No room for discussion. You say nope as well. he says no nope no room for discussion. You know I love Discussion I've fucking discussed it in a facility Let me not let me let me get rid of the word disease because I think disease

Like a lot of other words has a lot of weight behind it general though So let's do let's just say instead of let's set it instead of a disease when a person becomes addicted something There's obviously a physical issue. So, call it a disease, call it an ailment, call it something. When someone gets addicted... Call it a behavior. It's definitely a behavior that locked it in, but once you get addicted

and you're just trapped in the clutches of a drug, what is that if it's not a disease? For me, it's behavioral. For me, it's all behavioral. The using is a symptom. The drugs themselves, it's a symptom of something else. I would tell you that 8 out of the 10 people that are sitting in my

group therapy when I was doing it have been child abused, have been through some serious shit. Most of it, it comes from that. Now, the drugs they put on top of it, if you only counsel, hey, you're so focused on this drug, it becomes the drug is the problem. And you ignore the shit that the person's going through, been through, the fact that, I don't know, whatever's happened to them.

And so we'd rather beat them up about their inability to make a choice not to do a drug than really work out of what's the drug give you? What are you getting by using the drug? Can you teach how to use the drug give you what are you getting by using the drug you know can you can you teach how to use the drug better can you you know swap drugs even i mean so they just get pimped out by the system essentially 100 man 100 and bipolar this like fucking diagnosis that drives me absolutely insane now there's a dsm-4 you know the? The DSM-IV. Why is it driving Sam? Because everybody, A, thinks they have it. And it's really, really rare. It's a rare diagnosis.

I think I got it. That's what people do, though. I feel like I got it. My ex-girlfriend's all had it. They Google some shit. Do I look like, maybe? Bipolar? No.

No. No way. But didn't you say when you were a kid, when I first met you, you said you had like a testosterone and over amount. When you said you were like, when I first met you, doing comedy. Oh, thyroid. Oh, is it a thyroid? No, no, no.

You were like fucking nuts. When I first met me, no, I was still fighting. Yeah, I was, I mean, that was just out of my mind, out of fear, I'm sure. But no, you said when you were younger as a kid, you always had like hyper energy and shit. When you grow up with violence, I grew up with domestic violence. Me too. When you grow up with that, you're programmed to respond and react quickly. You know who told me about this?

Hypervigilance. We call it hypervigilance. Yeah. There's a lot of studies being done on kids who grew up in violent households and when they become football players or pro football players and they're involved in domestic violence or fighters as well, they develop this hair-trigger reaction to things, overreact, make mistakes that they can't rebound from. And a lot of it is because they think of the actual programming that occurs when they're in the womb, even.

When their mother is experiencing violence from the father, literally changes their genes in the womb. It does. They actually come out and fearful of the father's voice. Yeah, that makes sense. Michael Irvin told me this. I was on a plane flight with him just randomly and luckily. He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. I like him. He's such a nice guy.

And we were flying to Australia together. This was a long ass flight, so we had a long conversation. Because, you know, they have that little area in the middle where the bathroom is. You can stand up and stretch your legs. Him and I are just talking about football and about the work that he's been doing with young kids that grow up around violence. So that was, you know, I had grown up around that,

and then I had competed in martial arts tournaments from the time I was 15 to 21. So I was, when you met me, I was very crazy. I was, like, from 21 until, like, it took me a long time to relax. I feel the same, Joe. I don't know what your you know your family life was like but mine was violent every day man day in and day out and i played football myself i used to be 245 a lot bigger than this and um you know i i had that hair trigger that was the reaction and that's why i went into football and what i like to talk to

people about is i mean it's a war zone when your home is really like that and you're a child. There's no difference than going to Afghanistan. That's horrible. And a soldier going through what they go through. Right, post-traumatic stress. And then a three-year-old that every day is watching his father choke his mom to sleep. Throw her across the room or put guns in their own mouths. But mine sounds a lot less than yours. And I got out when I was five.

And then my mom remarried the nicest guy. He's like a hippie. So changed completely. All violence, all violence was gone. So then I had to reintroduce it into my life by fighting. Football was that outlet for me, man.

I got an adopted 15 year old daughter. So I, when you hear about the stepdad, you know, when you say that I, you know, her, her dad's a piece of shit. He's out of the picture and has been since she was five so for about 10

years she's mine and um we i think we came in just in time you know to where none of that's around you know but the violence does so much for the influence and what children do and become and how they react i mean if you go back to the primal era, you know, when we had to react, it was life or death, fight or flight. You implement that into a three-year-old who literally, or seven or five, who's literally worried about the big monster named Daddy who's going to cut on the hall of light

and come in the room. Yeah. I mean, this is a fucking giant to these tiny, you know. Right. And then you're picked up. And then we add that, and then think about that woman who was molested by her brother and her father. Add that. Fuck. That's right. And you're going to and then we add that and then think about that woman who was molested by her brother and her father and that fuck that's right and you're gonna say what come here for 30 days

and let's talk about it and yeah good luck i mean that that's it that's what we fucking offer them just here's more drugs god damn it you know i've had some clients where i wanted to be like you know what just keep doing fucking drugs man it's It's not going to get any better. You're having more fun this way. Just control it. Try not to kill yourself. Do you remember back then, Nick, when we were like 21, 22 years old? Do you remember how hair-trigger you were as a young man? Do you really take into consideration the amount of mellowing you've done over time?

Oh, yeah. Especially you and football guys in particular. That is a fucking explosive sport. You are just, you know, think about what a regular kid does during the day or a regular kid doesn't play a sport like that and then what you're doing. You're involved in fucking collisions with big, giant dudes. I mean, think about what you did to your shoulders. I mean, all that kind of crazy chaos and violence becomes a part of your normal, everyday world.

Not to mention your testosterone levels growing up and and then you throw booze on that at a party. My first girlfriend broke up with me because I got in a couple of fights, you know, at parties. But what else do you do with it? I mean, you're bred to be a fucking warrior from day one. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's a healthy outlet to play football and stuff at that point.

You can get a lot of trouble if you don't. That's true. I mean, I know guys who didn't play that were fucking pretty violent. At least I was taking it out on people in practice. Well, I think there's definitely something to be said for finding an outlet for violence. Like an outlet for aggressive action and something that calms your body down. Yeah. Especially for young men.

Absolutely. I mean, football's a tricky one because there's the fucking studies that are coming back now on football players. I'm not a fan anymore, man. I don't know what the fuck happened. Well, now it's, yeah. I was a huge football fan. Watched it all the time.

Yeah. Played it, and the more research that I've been learning from, was it Amber Lyon or Rhonda Patrick that talk about the head injuries, et cetera. Yeah. I'm like, fuck, the last 10 years of my life, I'm fucked. There was, somebody was relaying a story. I don't remember the entire story, but it was about a football player in college. He gets knocked out.

He gets dinged real bad. But he's moving around. They send him back in. He gets smashed again and now permanent damage. He's fucked. Still fucked. Many, many years later, he's still a wreck. I know of four concussions.

I know of four. But I also know of plenty of times when I got dinged and went back into the game. So I'm a little nervous myself. And I got hit by a car when I was 11 years old. And I was in the hospital for a week. Maybe that's what made you funny. Did you ever think about that? Absolutely.

I brought it up in some article. That can't be true, Joe, because I've been in four total car accidents. And I played semi-pro football. And I have my moments, and that's about it. Forget that John Travolta movie where you get hit by lightning and you can read people's minds. Because it doesn't work the same with everybody. No, man. Angel.

But it does. For some people, they have head injuries, and all of a sudden they have new skills. They can do math. They can play music. They can dance. It doesn't work. They can do therapy. They can play music. They can dance. It doesn't work. They can do therapy. They can do therapy.

Yeah, it doesn't always work, but sometimes it does. Yeah, I wonder all the time. I know. The reason why I said it is because that's what happened to Kinison. He got hit by a car when he was a little kid. They said that when Kinison was young, he was one way. He was like normal, regular kid, and then he got hit by a car and like real bad. And then when he got out of whatever the fuck he was in, all of a sudden he was Kinnison.

Wild, impulsive, didn't give a fuck! Ow! Ow! He became that wild, crazy preacher guy. Like, literally became that from a car accident. When you start talking TBIs and traumatic brain injuries, and that who is walking into these facilities, it's amazing how fucking arrogant these psychiatrists act. Because we literally know almost nothing about real TBIs.

You know, where the brain, you get hit here, it could do this, it could do that. We don't know. So what happens is a guy who walks in, who has a traumatic brain injury, a definite TBI, what they start doing is playing with psychotropic medication. And they start saying, well, if it's in this area and this is the behavior, so they throw you six, seven cocktails of pills hoping they guessed the right way. And antidepressants are the same fucking way. And I tell people, man, the last thing you want to do is go right to a fucking antidepressant

before you do anything. Don't do that yet. Because once you start to walk down that road, it can be years before you baseline again. So it's like a one flew over the cuckoo's nest, but just a more sophisticated version, but still just as chaotic.

They're fucking guessing. That's why they'll tell you an SSRI won't work for you your whole life. This will work for a while, but we got to try these nine until we find the one that does. This one will work for a while,

then when it doesn't, we'll switch. And the scariest part, I had a, it's a wannabe podcast, but I was just having fun with it. It was called The Cognitive Rampage. I think all podcasts are wannabe podcasts.

There's no legitimate podcast. This is totally illegitimate. This is a real deal. It's sort of, but not really. Trust me. I'll show you illegitimate podcasts. Brian and I know the origins of it. But I had a... Can I say a doctor's name in here? I had a bipolar specialist.

No. Name? Chivago? Dr. Brodsky. Dr. Louis Brodsky. And all he's done is focused on bipolar. Seuss? And so what his issue is, is most people, they'll walk into a facility, right?

75% of them are getting diagnosed with depression, right? Here's your antidepressant out the door. The doc spent three minutes with you, your general practitioner, asked you some sadness questions. You fit the criteria, try this antidepressant. They don't tell you, you're about to fuck your whole chemical shit up. You're about to screw your brain up. But what happens, though? If you're bipolar, truly,

and you take an antidepressant, the first two or three days, you're gonna feel like God. You're gonna feel like everything has been fixed, had been better in my life, and think you have the right pill. Every doctor at that point should know, oh, shit, we fucked up. You give someone who's bipolar an antidepressant or SSRIs and they cycle faster, almost twice or three times as fast than they ever cycled before in their life.

Wow. So think about how many people are going to a doctor, talk about some typical sadness or depression. Here's Zoloft or some shit. You go home and you're like, man, this is great. Left side field, I'm getting a little tangential, but had a guy, both his sons killed themselves, and I was counseling him. Doc gave him, thought he was depressed, gave him antidepressant. The second day after it, he said, I'm over it all.

All of this was meant to happen that's not natural and he was happy and ready to go ready to go and then two days later starts to cycle hard from manic to heavy manic to suicidal manic that stuff works for like like my dad's gonna be 80 you know and i got an uncle who's 85 and that's when it works the antidepressant helped them both yeah you know i mean but that's like's when it works. The antidepressant helped them both. You know what I mean? But that's, like you said. It works for some people.

The people that I know that have worked for, that has worked for, out of them, I know a few. But two of them have cycled off of it. It helped them. They fixed their life. They got their life in order. And then once their life was in order, then they weaned themselves off of it. How you're supposed to do it. Well, they both did it that way.

One of my friends from jiu-jitsu and a comedian friend of mine. Yeah, they definitely work. I wouldn't bash that at all. But as your first go-to, there's a lot of other things you can try. You know, changing your routine, trying to find different things to get involved with. There's a lot of things to do before you start going the quick magic pill fix. Yeah. Well, listen, man, thanks for doing this.

I'm glad I met you last night. It was a fortuitous opportunity to have a conversation with you. And I knew that we would have a cool talk. I mean, I very rarely do this. So to have someone in like this. Perfect symmetry. Perfect. It worked out.

The fucking universe was looking out for us. Nick DiPaolo, ladies and gentlemen. One of the funniest comics in the world, for sure. NickDip.com. NickDip.com. What is the album they can still buy? Another Sense is Killing. If you use the coupon code Nick, you get three bucks off uh hit me up at nick dupalo on twitter my podcast at riotcast.com and i'll be

at the ventura harbor comedy club tonight and this airs ventura harbor comedy club in ventura california tonight find me at adam lowry.com or the cognitive rampage and it's spelled L-O-W-E-R-Y, adamlowry.com. Brian Redvan is doing a water show with burlesque dancers and electrical cords all throughout Canada. No, no. That sounds filthy. That's what I heard. No, I'm going to be next Thursday. You did what?

Yeah. Next Thursday, I'll be with Dean Del Rey at the San Jose Improv. And then August 5th, I have a secret show at the Comedy Store. It's my birthday show. So that's going to be a lot of fun. Glorious. Ventura. He'll be 62.

Glorious. And you're tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club? Tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. Woof. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, that's it. We'll see you next week. Until then, much love.

Bye-bye. And big kiss. That was a good one. Improv. Dope. that was a good one impromptu dope