The Joe Rogan Experience - #68 - Iliza Schlesinger

Episode Date: January 4, 2011

Joe sits down with Iliza Schlesinger.

Hi, Ustream folks. Sorry, we're off air for a little bit. You missed me playing with the vagina light. Yeah, we missed the whole proof of concept. We're working out, you know, behind the scenes type shit. Eliza and Heffron together might rule the world with this artificial vagina slash... You've got to get Heffron to accept you on the team, though. But I think I can broker that deal. Awesome. Okay. I appreciate it. Thank you.

You know, seeing as you're both Last Comic Standing winners, you already have an in, right? We have that bond. Unbreakable. Did you have to do the audition where you only did stand up in front of the judges and no audience? Yeah. It wasn't even, people don't get it. I, my audition, you walk in, the judges aren't there. It was just like producers assistants or like talent people. They weren't even people, you know, and you walk in, you pitch your, you know, you do your joke. And I did my, I talked for about 15 seconds. She goes, yeah, just come back this afternoon. And then I came back and they're like, you're not on the list. I was like, yes, I am.

And all these people kept trying to come back that weren't approved because it was so disorganized. You had to go through like a couple of rounds before you got to it. You went, you went twice head to head, right? Oh, I did. Yeah yeah what does that mean that's like they she got challenged at the end where it was kind of like a you all live in the house you live there's like 12 comics and at the end of the week everybody pretty much votes who they hate the most it was never me but they voted if there was one other girl they voted on her and then if you get voted off you have a chance to then challenge two comics so then the three of you do a showdown in front of a live audience and two get voted off you have a chance to then challenge two comics so then the three of you do a showdown in front of a live audience and two get kicked off and one stays so i won both weeks

in a row because everyone that got kicked off the house would keep challenging me and i kept winning that's the only reason i won the show wow so so when someone challenges you how do they figure out who wins the audience decides the audience votes right then and there you have like a little button they press or something i think so i think that's how they did it wow and uh that's gotta be a weird way to do comedy yeah that's comedy under the gun you know that's kind of creepy if you if you're a competitive person which i wasn't until this or i mean i don't think playing jv lacrosse counts for anything uh it's it's great it was dormant it was it was i mean i'd always played with people that were better than me.

And then when you get to comedy, I had never thought of comedy as a competition. And now that's all I think of it as. Really? I'm super aggressive about it. Wow. I'm silent. You compete with yourself, but it's game time. Damn.

Yeah. You know, whatever motivates you. For some people, it's that. For some people, get real competitive. I mean, I would never say it. I would never go up to someone. But, you know, it's that. Some people get real competitive. I mean, I would never say it. I would never go up to someone. But, you know, it's like before you play a sport. Like, you psych yourself up and you get out there and then you go for blood, I guess.

Wow. That's an interesting way of looking at it. I saw you, like, two weeks ago. And I hadn't seen you before, like, for years, like, until that show. Like, I hadn't seen you on stage recently. But what's cool about it is that you really have that vibe of the comedy storm. Not many comics actually carry some kind of vibe with it. And when you watch you, you could see the comedy store.

It's the same reason why Boston comics were so good. Yeah. Because there's so many hell rooms there. Yeah. And you get used to that combat comedy. Absolutely. And the comedy store is combat comedy defined. There's no organization there.

It's a chaos room. The room itself is an comedy defined. There's no organization there. It's a chaos room. The room itself is an odd setup. I like to think I cut my teeth on rooms like the original room and then smaller, tougher rooms. You're not going to get anywhere by going up in front of your four friends and people that are laughing at you for no reason. So doing those bad gigs in those tough rooms where they just stare at you, some people don't speak English, it's like swinging with two bats.

Yes, you're totally right. When you go other places like people are so much nicer so much yeah there's something about the store and all the murder that's been committed there like a lot of people that don't know it was bugsy siegel's nightclub in like the 30s or whenever that was and there was like a bunch of people murdered in that place there was abortions yeah abortions illegal abortions just. People say they've heard babies crying. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. People are crazy. Hold on a second. People are crazy. I never heard anything about any abortions. They did back room

illegal abortions. In the Bugsy Siegel days? In the 40s or 50s. Oh my God. And they did in there? Right on the stage. Shit the fuck. No, no, not on the stage.

But it was in the basement or something. No one ever goes in the basement. Eliza is just making shit up. No, I'm not. I promise. Come on. Is there any documentation?

Can we find out about this online or is this just... Holly. Where is the story? I've never heard this before. That's why I'm shocked. I mean, I've been around the store for a long time. I never heard that story. That's right.

I heard crazy stories, though. People are always talking about ghosts there. Like when they do like haunted Hollywood shows, they always include the comedy store. Talking about the guy that always does it from the Formosa. It's always on E and he's always kind of like a fat guy that always. Yeah. I've, I would say it's all bullshit except a few people that have said they've seen things are like really cool guys like Blake Clark. Blake Clark was a Vietnam vet and he was a standard comic. Of course he's seen things are like really cool guys like blake clark blake clark was a vietnam vet and he was a standard comic things he's seen some shit you know he's been around and he was working at the uh the

comedy store one night and i i didn't hear the story directly from him so i don't want to paraphrase it but in in essence he was closing up and he went into the room and all of a sudden there was someone there yeah and he starts talking to this person and uh he the person's not talking back to him and then he realizes it's some sort of a ghost. And you know what? If you ask him what that guy looks like, other people will be able to corroborate the same image. A lot of people see the same like in the belly room. I think it's a guy with like a top hat or something.

People see the same things. A girl that did our show, I do a Monday night show there, brand new, never been there, came to see her friend. She saw something and told one of us. Not privy to the story at all. It sounds like it should be horseshit because every one of those shows that you watch, the problem is those goddamn shows. It's like they create this artificial environment. You've got cameras and lights and everything, and you're going looking for ghosts.

And you have to find something in every episode. And there's not that many ghosts happening. You know, if there are ghosts, it's not enough that you're going to get them on a television show. We don't ever see them. I don't know if it's real, but I'm not willing to say that it's not. I'm not willing to say there's no ghosts. I don't want to see it. So many people are foolish and it's tough. It's a tough conversation.

I can't, I don't think you can beat my ghost theory, though. My theory is you find somebody that was murdered, like, midnight on Halloween, and you go to, like, the wife's grave. You know, it's like a husband-wife thing. And you just start making fun of her on midnight. And, you know, just go, hey, ghost, yeah, I'm making fun of your dead wife. Yeah. And nothing's going to happen. That's my ghost theory.

Well, maybe the ghost is recognized from the great beyond that you're a douchebag. Maybe they're above that. Yeah, but if you're disrespecting your murdered wife. Do you want to get serious? Let's get serious. If the ghost has crossed over, I don't think, I think it's the, what people have when they have ghost sightings and all this, like EVP, where they do the white noise thing. Right.

Ghosts that have a problem. What does that mean? EVP? No, yeah. What's it, where you, like that movie White Noise, where you can turn up the radio, you can hear the ghosts like talking. Oh, really? Yeah.

There's like a whole thing. It's like lens flares. The ghosts that have a problem are the ones that haven't crossed over, the ones that are stuck because they died prematurely or in some sort of horrible accident. Right. That's if you. Well, there's people that believe that everything has a memory. There's a guy named Rupert Sheldrake. I think he's an evolutionary biologist.

Sheldrake, I think he's an evolutionary biologist, and he has this theory that everything has some sort of a memory. Like furniture, houses, that even though you can't really access it, the energy of the house can be compromised by

having a lot of negative shit happen in it. It's all energy. It's not... It's like memory. Absolutely. The house becomes a creepy thing. It has memory to it. And that's certainly what the story is. That's not... It's like memory. Absolutely. Like the house becomes a creepy thing. Like it has memory to it. And that's certainly what the story is. That's why they always ask when you do like an exorcism or a seance, they ask for an object. Or if you're in a voodoo, it's an object from the person because it has that energy.

Or that's why if something comes out of a negative... I mean, I totally buy into the whole energy thing about not transferring like negative energy and stuff. Yes, I do too. If you... Like cooks, that's why they say cook with love, your love goes into it and you give it, it's about that. If you're in tune to it, otherwise you just eat. Yeah, no, that totally makes sense. That something, I mean, and if it goes along really with the same idea that if everything has a memory, I know if you're cooking with love and

then food has like a memory of your love and you creating it, people will like it more. It sort of makes it sounds totally hippie. I should not eat so many lean pockets because what's that doing to me? That's why fast food makes so many people sick. All the cows. Torture, dude. You're eating Nazi tortures. Yeah, where pigs are just stuffed into boxes where their heads are sideways for half their life.

It's so easy. I do love bacon, though. Never had it at home. Bacon's awesome. And pigs are cunts. Therein lies the problem. Fuck them. Pigs are assholes. Pigs, more people die from pigs in farms than any other animal

because people fall into the pig styles, and the pigs just fucking eat them. What movie was that? Snatch. Snatch. Yeah, that shit's true. I started researching it after that. That's me.

I'm fucking in the theater on my blackberry writing research pigs bones and the end of was it hannibal where the guy like the crippled guy they pushed him into the pigs and they eat him up yeah a lot of pig eating yeah that's some serious shit have you seen people fuck pigs those videos oh they're horrendous so bad i came today all people fucking animal videos are horrendous I've never seen a video of anyone having sex And I don't wanna No don't ever watch it

But What you should see What everybody should see Is a documentary called Zoo And Zoo is on There was a bunch of people that have Zoo I believe it's pronounced zoo-philia

Is this where they make people look like horses? No no no They get fucked by horses Isn't that how like Catherine the Great died? Supposedly Is this where they make people look like horses? No, no, no. They get fucked by horses. Isn't that how Catherine the Great died? Supposedly. At the comedy store. Yeah, in the belly room.

Supposedly, that's how Catherine the Great died. But we know for sure that one guy died that way because it changed the law in Washington State. In Washington State, it used to be legal to have sex with animals. It was mandatory. Well, you got to do what you got to do. You're stuck in Seattle. But a bunch of people decided to move there from all over the country. They met on an internet message board. And they moved there and started this whole farm community thing where they got fucked by animals.

There was a whole bunch of freaks that found themselves. They found themselves a friend. They were getting boned by animals. I have seen this. There's a horse. The guy had blonde hair. I have seen that. I saw a clip of that. Mr. Hands is the video. Let's the pony bite her and she likes it when the pony bites her.

That's a different one. There can't be two. There's a bunch. Is that abuse? I animal is having sex? I don't necessarily think so, but it's kind of fucked up. I mean, it just seems unnatural for sure. It seems like you're indulging the worst in human spirit. You know, the idea you just want to just exploit animals and have them fuck you in the ass all the time.

And be ripped in half. Yeah, he got broken, like broken open and bled out, the guy who died. Good. What are you going to go on to do? It's like, well, I used to have sex with animals, and now I work at the Verizon store. Well, that's the thing. He was like a, fuck, I wish I remembered what he did. I think he was an architect.

I mean, he was like an intelligent guy, apparently. Let me find out, because this is just too important to not know. There's a thin line between intelligence and absolute insanity and the line is a horse cock apparently my dog doesn't like this part what a horrendous way to die that ribbon she removed it is that ribbon or what is that it's rawhide that went around the cane that's dessert oh she's saving yeah that's peppermint oh my god bless your heart a little after dinner mint so you gave up on the Droid completely? Oh, you followed that?

Yeah. Oh, you have no idea. So what happened there? I had a Blackberry and I started doing weird things. Right. And so I was like, screw it. I'm going to go with the Droid just to try. Because I used to have a tree and I missed the touch screen.

Right. All these things. It was too much. And there were all these problems. It couldn't make calls. It made weird sounding calls. It was on like warble mode. Anyways, so I went. I was on. My breaking point was no one could hear me on the phone but i

was on the phone yesterday five times during a phone call my face somehow dialed someone else and it starts ringing as i'm speaking to someone else like three-wayed yeah who needs that yeah like the joy enables you to call people when you don't want to so i just i was like i'm done i want this for free and so i got the brand new BlackBerry. Not brand new, but... You know what's weird about BlackBerry owners, though? I don't know if they know this. And Joe, yours does this every time you text me on your BlackBerry, is that if I reply,

it replies what I texted you every time you text me back. That's a glitch. Ew. So it's like you get three texts. It's like it's reading emails. Oh, no. It's just crazy how much... It has to be a setting, some kind of setting in your text. It's reading emails. It's just crazy how much... It has to be a setting.

Some kind of setting in your text. It's called broken. It's called suck. I will give up touchscreen any day. I can't believe I left my Blackberry. I'm never leaving it again. The iPhone is the shit, but AT&T sucks it. Why won't you go to the iPhone?

You seem very Apple-friendly. I lize. That's where my parents got it. No, I love the iPhone. I don't want it. I want a keyboard. I want a full keyboard. I don't want my face fucking with my phone calls.

Right. As I found out yesterday. It fucks with it that much, huh? Five times. And it was a very important gossip conversation. Damn. Me and my friends are defriending a friend in real life. So it was very important.

The iPhone doesn't do that, though. The iPhone doesn't hang up on your face. No. How could it not? How can you not accidentally? Because it detects when your face is closed and it turns it off. And the Droid doesn't do that. The Droid doesn't.

It didn't. And maybe there's a mode for it, but the iPhone doesn't have the full keyboard. Yeah, but you can get really used to it. Nor does it have this fun plaid cover. That's pretty good. They have that, though. They definitely have that. Whatever.

I like if I just, you know, I use the iPhone more as an internet device than I do as a phone. I might get an iTouch if I'm on the road a lot this year just so I can have something because this is not great with. Those are pretty slick, especially the 3G one where you can pull up anywhere. Yeah. It's pretty nice. Like that. Fucking technology, bitches. Yeah.

So they found some tools that indicate that human beings were traveling by boat more than 150 and as much as 700,000 years ago. Wow. Because there's an island. I believe the island is Crete. And they found these fucking tools there. Hold on. They found these tools? Yeah.

They found tools that were way... Well, Crete has been separate from the mainland by 40 miles for over 5 million years. So the fact that they found tools there 700,000 years ago means somehow or another someone got there in a fucking boat. Or when it was a part of the world, like Pangea, when it was all together, people were there and then it split off. But that's five million years. Supposedly five million years people weren't around. So what they're saying is if this island was five million years separate from everybody else and nothing developed on this island. Otherwise it would have to be like parallel evolution, right?

I believe in that. Really? Absolutely. If you have parallel thought process, how can you not have parallel evolution? So like separate groups of people developed on this island? Yeah, or like when you come up with the same joke as someone else. It's totally the same. I hear you.

It's totally the same. It is. It's totally the same. I should talk to this guy. That is a fascinating subject, though. It's totally the same. It is. It's totally the same. I should talk to this guy. That is a fascinating subject, though. It's been fascinating to me forever. Well, I think, like, they always taught us that Christopher Columbus came to America first.

We were, like, dead last. The Chinese were here before. They used Chinese maps to come here in the first place. Like, they were here way before. Yeah, way before us. So interesting what your textbook wants you to believe. Yeah, they found the oldest human being in North America. The bones they found was a Chinese guy. Yeah, 000 years old so that's even that even predates the

american indian oh isn't that crazy we've been paying reparations to the wrong group well the american indians came from asia too that's that's one thing they found out like definitely definitively because this mormon dude was trying to uh do a genealogy test on american indians because he wanted to prove that American Indians were Israelites and that they had come here and this would prove the Mormon text to be correct. That's the lost tribe of Israel. That's what everybody thinks. That was the idea.

But they tested them. They have the same noses. When they tested American Indians they come from Siberia. They come from the Bering Strait. They crossed over when it was all on Alaska. That's fascinating shit, you know? I mean, when I said that the Chinese were here first, I don't think that's true. I think maybe the American Indians were here.

I think they crossed that before 10,000 years ago. I think they were probably here first. But just the idea that people walked here. The Chinese navigated before them. I mean, a bunch of what people are here, they fucking walked here. They walked here from another continent. Yeah, but not in one lifetime. No, but they took groups of humans over time, walked through insanely cold, harsh environments and got to America.

Just for no reason. It's got to be warmer somewhere. It's fucking crazy. I love that kind of stuff. Could you imagine if you had to go back in time and no one was even riding horses yet? What do we got to do? We got to walk everywhere? Don't you have a brilliant bit about this?

About what would we do if all the lights went out? Like I can't make shit. That's the only time I've ever seen you in person. I think you did a show at Red Rock. It's the first time I ever met you. It was a long time ago. Oh, wow. You got that show?

I remember that bit. That was only one. I think I went on before you or something. And you did that bit. I thought it was very smart. It was so funny. I ever met you. It was a long time ago. Oh, wow. You got that, sir? I remember that bit. That was only one. I think I went on before you or something. And you did that bit. I thought it was very smart. It was so funny. Thank you. Yeah.

That's all I got. I remember that now. Yeah, that's the idea is that people are getting dumber as technology gets more and more powerful. There's people that have less and less resources of their own, less and less ability to do things, know little or every year about what makes everything work. You know, in the 50s, like, if a guy broke down on the side of the road, another guy would pull over and knew how to fix your fucking car. You know, oh, you got a broken belt here, buddy.

Let's go get a belt for you. And, you know, that shit could work. You could do that. Now, if you're fucking Ford, that crazy car you got, that thing breaks down on the side of the road with all that electronics and shit. It won't start. Nobody knows what the fuck is going on in there. You know what is interesting about that?

Unless you don't have higher education, then you're more likely to become a mechanic or someone that knows about cars. The more education you get, the further removed you are from what makes the world tick mechanically. Yeah, that's true. But what I'm saying is that most people, like, there's a general knowledge that's missing. I agree, and America will help us. I don't touch my fucking cars. Do you touch your car? I mean, do you ever bring it into the shop and they fix it?

I've had a check engine I own for, like, two months. I grew up. What's going on? I grew up never, ever using a car, like, a place that would fix your car ever up until I moved here in California. Because my dad, like, every time I broke down, he's like, all right, we've got to get a new engine, and I'm going to show you how to do it. And, like, I had to redo my whole car. Well, your dad was really interesting.

Yeah. But that's crazy now because now I have to do that. I had to drop off my car the other day, and it was, like, an oil change. It was four hours for an oil change at this Ford dealer. And they actually have a restaurant inside the Ford dealer called like the, I forget what it's called, but you order food and the bacon looks like seat covers. It's just like really long rectangle.

On purpose? Why can't you just go to Jiffy Lube or something? Why can't you go to Jiffy Lube? Because it's free at the Ford dealership? No, I think it's something like if you have a Ford and you're under warranty, you're supposed to take it to the dealer, you know, just in case. Yeah, so it's free. Well, no, no. So the warranty, if there's anything ever wrong with it, they can't blame somebody else you know what i mean so annoying yeah

jiffy lube is the shit oh yeah i like jiffy lube and 10 15 minutes later done my friend's car got fucked up by jiffy lube they didn't they stripped the uh oil uh bolt back in because they use those things like you know things real quick and if they put it in wrong because they're doing cars all day long you know it strips it and then he just his car leaked oil for the rest of his car it's like a brand new car died it was awful and the car is dead i am always in the basement how they can always get me to buy new air filters for my air conditioner look how dirty it is i'm like it's a filter it's supposed to be dirty just take a hose to try everything i buy it i don't want to die, I don't want to die either. Fix that shit.

What are you going to do? Put that fluid in there? Yeah. Do that shit with the red stuff. Yeah, but those filters, you just spray out. That's all you need to do. I'm not going to do that either. Then they start talking transmission fluid and shit like that.

Then you're like, listen, kid. You know you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Get out of that transmission. I'll buy anything. Will you? If you tell me I need it. If it's something I don't know about, I'm that girl. I wonder how many people get shit done to their

car every year they don't really need. I got a tail on my car because they said I needed it. A what? Big Porsche wings. Looks amazing. Doesn't run. That's what I want. A car with a wing on the back of it.

I will literally walk into a store, like a makeup store, and just be like, what do I need? And let them sell it to me. I don't give a fuck. And I'll buy it. I don't even wear that much makeup. I just like to have it. I will buy everything, food, anything. I'm an easy target.

Joe, have you seen this homeless man guy from Columbus, Ohio? No. This is amazing. Yeah, I keep hearing about it, so I have not seen it. Check this out. I'll try to show it to you. But what it is is my hometown of Columbus, Ohio, this homeless guy held up a sign and said that, you know, I can do voices for food or money or whatever. Do you know that road? Yeah, I totally know that road.

It looks exactly like it. ...freeway exit ramps. But recently there's been this guy with an interesting sign at I-71 and Hudson Street. His handwritten sign says he has the God-given gift of a great voice. Hey, I'm going to make you work for your dollar. Say something with that great radio voice. When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies, you're listening to Magic 98.9. Thank you so much.

God bless you. Whoa. And we'll be back with more right after these words. And don't forget, tomorrow morning is your chance to win a pair of tickets to see this man live in concert. Thank you so much. When I was 14 years old, I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. When I was 14, I kind of listened to one of our area radio announcers. And I went as a field trip to go meet the guy. And he looked nothing like what he sounded like. So I asked him about that. And he said to me, listen, radio is

defined theater of mind. And so when he said theater of mind, I just said, well, hey, I can't be an actor. I can't be an on-air personality. But the voice just became something of a development over years, and I went to school for it. And then alcohol and drugs and a few other things became a part of my life. I got two years clean, and I'm trying hard to get it back. And hopefully somebody from one of these television or radio will say, hey, I need a voiceover or I need something. So, you know, I'm hoping one day,

watch Family Guy, weeknights at 7.30 on Fox 28. Anything, but that's what it is. And I love radio. I got sad. Yeah, I got sad at the end. A little pathetic. The beginning was kind of nice. The beginning was actually cool.

If that was a 15-second clip, it would be the shit. And then he got weird Who reads those signs? That's small handwriting That's really small The worst is when It's the couple Like it looks like

They just do meth together And they're just living on the road And they have like A bowling ball bag The worst is when They have a dog Isn't that awful That the dog is what

Tucks your heartstrings Out of the person But I totally agree Poor fucking dog If they had a kid Probably the kid Would get taken away. Someone, you know, protective services would come and take the kid away. Most likely, right?

I mean, you can't have a kid and be homeless, can you? I saw an episode of Law & Order the other day that says you can. As long as the kid is well taken care of. Oh, my God. Madness. It gets enough box. But that kid knows how to change a tire. Yeah, no shit.

Eat a tire, too. how to change a tire. Yeah, no shit. Eat a tire, too. How to cook a tire. Well, that guy was like, I noticed that the guy didn't sound anything like he looked. I felt like he was going to be like, I was white, so I went out, dyed my skin, got my nose like this. It's a real thing to do when you're homeless is to have a gimmick. Isn't it amazing that that voice

is like, it's like a tool almost, like the DJ voice. Like it's such an affection that you take on. When you talk like a DJ, here we go. There's like something to it. It's creepy though. What have you done for me lately? That's like an old radio thing.

That's like a dying sound probably though. What is it? Because podcasts don't do that. There's not like the guy goes, hi there. Maybe we should do that. We should do a podcast sound probably, though. What is it? Because podcasts don't do that. There's not like the guy goes, hi, there. Maybe we should do that. We should do a podcast and a DJ voice. You're listening to Red Bar Radio. Hey, here we go.

All right. It's also the strip club DJ. They're very similar. It is. It's the same voice, but with a couple of drinks. Yeah. All right, Denver. Working hard for your tips and your approval.

Lexus to the main stage. It's like the same guy over and over again. The DJs that we have now, especially in L.A., are so, I have a bit about this which I'm not going into. They're so ignorant sounding. There's this one I listen to at hip-hop stations and I don't know if he's Latino or what. He's like, yo, you gotta get your auto insurance. And I'm like, why why does that the word is auto and it's always like yo ask these motherfuckers if they want insurance y'all got to get down there

and I'm like you are just spreading ignorance like people think it's okay to get a job and you're yelling at me and you're mispronouncing everything and half of it's in Spanish I know how to speak Spanish properly They're just speaking to their people Chee chees There's a lot of them as well It's not that It's just so Fine let's say you're of La Raza And you're going to community college

You're going to school Or you're trying to get a better education And this is what your people are telling you it's okay to sound like Sort of Maybe they're just hanging out Maybe that's just the way they talk. Yeah. You should have sounded like that.

I know what you're saying. I do agree that, you know, maybe you should have, like, better English and stuff. But, you know, if you know what the fuck he's saying, who cares? They don't. We're not saying anything. They're not saying, no, they're not talking about the news. It's just like, yo, Boost Mobile. No way is that not ghetto.

I like it. I want to make sure there's a few ghetto stations around so I can listen to them. I like it because that's just connected to, like, remember that old video with the leprechaun found in the tree? Leprechaun found in the tree? Can we watch it? Yeah. Have you seen it? No.

Yeah. This is from, like, four years ago. You will remember this once you see this. Leprechaun. I feel like a bunch of people are going to be tweeting me that they think i'm racist after this no y'all can eat it no in alabama yep it's called leprechaun in alabama and they found this i know what you're saying you're saying that people should speak like they're educated instead of good example you should i know what you're saying but then we wouldn't have if you're gonna say anything i'm never gonna listen to you

because you sound what i'm saying is i'm everybody's different i like watching people and listening to people that are nothing like me you know so i like listening to ghetto shows i like listening to their music i like listening to them on the radio too that's what they want to talk they don't have to say anything listen to this shit this is the leprechaun keep this party going y'all yeah that's what i'm saying. Yeah. Here with 98.6. We'll be back with all sorts of fresh tunes. I got to make a point for a living, and they can just blabber. Yeah, but that's what they're doing. I mean, nobody wants to hear a point in between their songs.

I don't want to hear anything. I just want to hear the music. I miss DJs. I miss real DJs. Curiosity leads to large crowds in Mobile's Crichton community. Many of you bring binoculars, can quarters, even camera phones to take pictures. To me, it look like a leprechaun to me. I got to look up in a tree.

Who else in the leprechaun say yeah? Yeah! Oh my God. Say yeah. The leprechaun only comes out at night. It gets better. If you shine a light in its direction, it suddenly disappears. This sketch resembles what many of you say the leprechaun looks like.

Oh, my God. Others find it hard to believe and have come up with their own theories and expectations for the image. Is this real? My theory is it's casting a shadow from the limb. Do they show it? Hey, hey, could someone tell me? Is it all about any love? You know I ain't got no family.

That's the hood, Shady. Don't say that shit. Could be a crackhead. Got home to the wrong stuff. And they told him to get up in a tree and play a leprechaun. Would you buy me a joint, a England? A joint of weed, England? A joint of weed. you have better language better

action more activities and more individuals these are the guys on the radio you have better parties better social life it's better relaxing no fighting no clown it's more enjoyment more enjoyable we don't get down to the bottom of this this is not the news anymore this is not the news this is like a remake version of it though dude this is you give me this is disinformation it's back to the What? This is a special leprechaun salute. Is he okay? Bro, they slowed him down. This is ridiculous. He's having an aneurysm. Because we fucked up and picked the wrong YouTube video. This is what's called poor prior planning.

But was there a real story? There was a real story that people thought there was a leprechaun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was real. That was mixed in with complete craziness. How do you know what's real, though, man? Well, they have an artist rendering. You know what this what this is probably i'll tell you what it is man there's probably a real fucking leprechaun and this is the disinformation the government puts

out to make the story of the leprechaun look like fallen birds figuring it out dog what is your speaking over there blanche she's under your desk falling i want to make sure she can get in my litter box she won't i think I shut the door. I don't know. Blanche, come here. Come here. I've got something for you. What is it?

She already knows she doesn't want this. Is this a stereotype? Pretty girl with a little dog? No, because she's not little. She's actually quite heavy. Yeah. She's like 13 pounds. I mean, I'm not saying

there's anything wrong with it. She's cute as fuck. You don't ever bring that dog to like the mall, do you? Do you do that? I bring her everywhere. But it's not a cute bag. It's this big over-the-shoulder duffel bag.

Like a duffel bag? Like a basketball player uses? It is. There's like a crazy special bond that you have with a dog when you adopt a dog. Because that dog's life could have been super fucked. Super fucked. It could have been shit. I mean, you never know.

She could have been put down. She needs me. Anything could have happened. But you came along and got her. She's very needy. I mean, you never know. She could have been put down. She needs me. Anything could have happened, but you came along and got her. And I... She's very needy. She gets upset if I leave, so I take her everywhere because it's not a problem, and she's not little enough to be annoying, and I'm not hot enough to be annoying about it, so...

It's okay. Look at this. Dogs are fucking fascinating animals. Do you let your dog chew gum? Yeah, I let my dog chew gum. Dogs love gum. They actually chew it. Dude, that's Do you let your dog chew gum? Yeah, I let my dog chew gum. Dogs love gum. They actually chew it. Dude, that's not good for your dog.

Why? Why would it be bad? No. That's not right. Don't let your dog chew gum. Have you ever caught your dog, though, eating chewing gum? And it's just like, oh, what are you eating? I don't leave chewing gum laying around the floor, you fucking slob.

Yeah. Your dog's eating chewing gum. Who's like, I'm done with this? No. You're probably just leaving it everywhere. My dog's really, like dog gets on top of things. It gets on top of my coffee table now or whatever. Oh, really?

You've got to set rules, son. I know. You've got to be alpha about that shit, even with little dogs. There's just certain shit you shouldn't have them do. They shouldn't be walking where you eat. Exactly. With their dirty shit paws. I like how you said walking where I eat.

Everyone eats at the coffee table now. Have you noticed the kitchen table is getting phased just, like, it's getting phased out? No, it's because we don't have families. Like, you eat at the table. Your kid eats at the table. Yeah, we eat at the table. Really? Yeah.

We don't have families. We don't eat at the table. Weird. You're, like, perpetual single guy. I know. Maybe if you've got a table that you don't eat at. You don't want to talk about that. No.

No. Have you never? You're always single? Huh? Yeah. I'll go again. I'll go again. You're single again.

Watch out, lady. We should play that Prince song. You know that Prince song, I Got a Broken Heart Again? Oh, yeah. Why don't you pull that up, Brian? We need to talk. Are you sad? No.

Brian has got to learn to be Brian. What's it called again? I Got a Broken Heart Again. Do you date bitchy girls? Is that the problem? No. Brian is just a nice guy. Yeah, yeah.

He's a nice guy. Is he too nice? He's a nice guy. I don't think he's too nice. He's just, you know, you gotta get the right combination. I don't have that. That's the whole key to relationships.

It's not necessarily that you're wrong and the person that you got along with is wrong. It's like the combination's off. Some people would go great with some one person, but with other people, is wrong. It's like the combination's off. Some people would go great with some one person,

but with other people they clash and it's just, everybody's gotta find that mix, Brian. It's like chemistry. That's what it's all about, Brian. It's not just about bodies, man.

It's about the person behind the body. This song is depressing my dog. You gotta concentrate on the soul, Brian. You gotta concentrate on being real with these bitches and find one who's concentrate on being real with these bitches.

And find one who's willing to be real with you back. See what I'm saying, bro? Yeah. You gotta tap deep into it. I hear what you're saying. Get to what's real. Get to what's real. And if they're not giving you the real, then you give them the pimp hand.

I get it. You give them the Heisman. You gotta step out of my life. I see what you're doing here. My time's important. Thanks for talking to me. Let's get a check of traffic. All right, here's Bob on the Midway.

What's going on, Bob? We have a slowdown at the 5. You know, I noticed today driving here that if I wanted to be a gardener, all I would have to do is walk down the highway. I would find shoes, hats, r rakes garbage bags like there was like so much shit on the side of the road have you noticed how much crap is on our highways like ridiculous things like couches and chairs and is it because you think they're not cleaning up as much well i think it's all these landscaper guys that just have those trucks that have like all the shit in

the back you know where it just falls off i'm waiting falls off. I'm waiting for a rake to come right through my windshield. Dude, I ran over a railroad tie once. A big metal railroad tie. You know those big fucking things that in movies people always get crushed on? Vampire. I'm sorry, not a tie. The actual bar.

The bar, the metal bar. A stake or a bar? No, the bar. The bar that the railroad track, the wheel goes on. A track. Oh bar? No, the bar. The railroad. The bar that the railroad track. The wheel goes on. A track. A track, yeah. Oh my God, we're all retarded.

Thank you. You weren't part of the rabbit with the tail? No. The metal shit. The metal shit, bro. I thought you were talking about the... The fucking long thing that the wheel rolls on. It's a piece of metal.

I thought you were talking about the stakes. Nope. The railroad stakes. No, no, no. It was a bigger one. Wait, are you talking about the stakes? No, no, no. I'm just kidding.

Do you guys remember the stakes, though? It was a railroad, right? Not a tie. I said tie. No, you don't even remember the stakes. The incorrect word. What I meant is a section of track. It was like a big-ass fucking giant hunk of metal.

And I'm driving on the highway, and all of a sudden, I see it before it's too late. There's nothing I could do. And ba-bam! I hit it, and it just tears my wheel apart. Smashes it. Tears the tire off the wheel. And I had to make a decision. And I said, you know what?

I'm just going to drive on this fucking thing. I'm not getting out on the highway and risking getting hit by some fucking car. I'm like, I'm going to cook this car. I'm just going to drive on this fucked up wheel and cook this car. And sparks were flying and shit and smoke. And it was nuts because it was like half of a wheel. It was like half of a wheel in this fucked up tire. And I'm going like literally.

Did you have far to go? Yeah. I had like almost a mile. Did you bend your rims? Fuck that car up. Yeah. Yeah. I had to get a bunch of shit done to it after it was over.

Yeah. But you know what? It's better than me dying. True. That's what I thought of. There was a kid I went to high school with that was changing his tire off the side of the road and someone hit the car and killed him that's why you shouldn't change your own tires yeah well you know but have you been watching uh horror movies lately it's always the girl getting her flat tire and waiting for the

guy to fix it girls take 10 minutes out of your time find out figure out how to do it just in case of emergency you don't want to be calling these tow truck drivers. Try to get those fucking wheels out, bro. Those things are... Sometimes it's really hard. Sometimes it's hard for a man, like a big man, to get your fucking bolts loose. I'm the first to ask others for help.

I don't even attempt stuff in general. Sometimes that's a pain. You should try. You should learn how to do it if you can, but fuck, man. You can do it fast. It's pretty easy. Bro, I guarantee you there's some bolts

that you would not be able to crack. I bet I could. You're an animal. Look at you. You just rose up like a man and puffed your chest out. I've never had a problem ever. I love it. I've never had a problem ever. Changed a tire?

Yeah, ever. Really? Oh, it's easy. Wow. You just have to use the retard strength. Like, okay, I got to do it. I mean, sorry, not retard strength. I changed a lot of tires when I was a kid, but I stopped a long time ago.

I forgot everything that's involved in it. But when I was in auto shop in high school, we used to change tires. Like, you know, to use that fucking stupid machine that moves the tire in place and sets it and shit. And then you pump it. Place the weights on it. Yeah. Yeah, it was kind of interesting stuff,. And then you pump it. Place the weights on it. Yeah. Yeah. It was kind of, kind of interesting stuff,

but I forgot all of it. We had this, uh, shot this, uh, teacher in auto shop that all he would do was fix up shitty old Mustangs. I wish I could remember his name cause he was a real character. It's probably on Facebook.

Yeah. Facebook me, bro. You remember me? I remember you. I just forgot your name. And he, he's probably dead by now.

I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to make you feel old or say that about him. It is. No getting away from it. Every year I get a little older. I hate when I think of like an old actor that I think is dead, and then I go and find out that he has like a Facebook and a website. Remember that shit?

Jonathan Winters. The other day I was like, oh, he's dead. He's still alive? He's still alive he's still alive he's got fucking cds coming out he's got paintings he's got like a website it's hard to keep a lot of people die it's hard to keep track of who's alive and who isn't jonathan winners used to be on all the time back in the day that he just kind of remember like you know who jonathan winters sure yeah yeah yeah he was the guy who used to he on Mork and Mindy. Remember? Did Kirk Douglas die? Is he dead?

No. Is he still alive? I think he's still alive. Kirk Douglas, I think, is dead. Michael Douglas is okay with the cancer. Michael Douglas is... But Kirk Douglas... I don't know.

I don't know. It's K-I-R-K, right? Right. It's K-Y-R-K. It seems like he is. K-Y-R-Q. It's Dutch. It's capital T.

Yeah, so you're from Dallas, right? Yes He's 94 years old, he's alive Oh, good Wow, that's cool I just won $20 Holy shit Do you ever go on the Lex and Terry show down there?

Or do you know those guys? I do know the name I'm not I didn't do stand-up in Dallas I've done it since But I didn't I never did it I went to college in Boston

Wow, sweat this real name. You ready for this? This is Kirk Douglas' real name. It's Jewish. Is it Jewish? Is that what it is? It's Isur, I-S-S-U-R, Isur Danilovich. That's his real name.

It just rolls off the tongue. I can see why he changed it. Isur Danilovich. Wow. It says it in Russian letters. It just rolls off the tongue. I can see why he changed it. Isr Danielovich. Wow. It says it in Russian letters. Is it on Wikipedia? Yeah. What would you, like, if you had to change your name because you had a fucked up name like that, what would you change it to?

Darth Vader. No, like, seriously. I would change my name to Darth Vader. What would your backup name be? Like, a real name. Luke Skywalker. No. It's hard because...

It would be like Lance. Obi-Wan Kenobi, bitch. That would be my full name. Yeah. I don't know anything about cars or Star Wars. You don't? I got nothing. Well, Kevin James had to do that, too.

I don't want to say his last name. He probably doesn't want people knowing. I had to do it. I can be called Reich-al in this town. I know. It does sound rude. I sound like the sounds the next generation. Yeah.

It's like no matter what, like people are forced to think about the third right. Right. That's that's fucked up. Yeah. Just a little bit. They're going to not like you as much as they should. Your bubbling personality is not going to shine through. Yeah.

You're being held back by a douchebag name, bro. I know. Fuck that shit. I can't go wrong with that. You could make, you know, you keep it as that and then just be the guy, be the one to change that stereotype. We can think of Nazis or we can think of you. Yeah.

I think you just reinvent yourself as Redman. Huh? Yeah. Just change that fucking name legally, dude. What about Redman the rapper? But now, now, I've been Redman for a while and now there's like a Redman, like, techno artist from the UK and there's this other. He's ripping you off?

There's all these Redmans now. It's like, that's not fair. Get Redman.com and tell people to jump on the red band wagon. He's got it. You're right. Redband.com is his. He's in the box.

It's over. It's done. Gotta get it quick. Dude, you're like a rapper. You've changed your name. You've reinvented yourself. I can't be called Rykel. My last name doesn't do me any favors.

How about Charlie Sheen? Those guys too. They were Charlie Sheen and Amelia V Vesteves are brothers. Yeah. But Charlie was like, that shit's just too Mexican. No, it's different. They have different fathers.

Charlie's like, I'm going with dad. I'm going with how dad rocked it. Yeah, for sure. They have different fathers? Is that what it is? Or different mothers or different fathers. It's got to be mothers. So they're allowed to have sex with each other.

They should. They could totally bang. Makes sense now. That's how to be mothers. So they're allowed to have sex with each other. They should. Yeah. They could totally bang. Makes sense now. That's how they're married. Their kids would be fine. That's how they're married. Charlie Sheen is holding it down, though. I've got to tell you.

Yeah. I'm talking about a guy that just keeps doing the same shit, and just life just keeps moving forward for him. When he walks on set for Two and a Half Men, like the day after, is everyone just like quiet? Like, does everyone pretend like nothing happened? The kid high fives. I doubt it.

Yeah. Do they talk? Do you watch that show at all? I bet he owns that shit. The best thing about that show is when how they show the kid like morph into the adult. That's trippy. It's a little creepy. Yeah.

The thing about Charlie Sheen is Charlie Sheen has like a hundred million dollars. So he doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck. I wouldn't give a fuck either. So it doesn't matter if he gets caught with hookers. He's like, what the fuck ever. Shut it. I hope he does Hot Shots 3D.

Do you think he could pitch it? What would be the plot? He's a retired Navy SEAL guy or whatever. He has a son, Bieber. Justin Bieber? Yeah, Justin Bieber. And Justin Bieber, he has to train him. Dude, this could be a son, Bieber. Justin Bieber? Yeah, Justin Bieber. I like it. And Justin Bieber, he has to train him. Dude, this is going to be a fucking huge movie.

I know. If we were doing coke right now, this would be the best conversation. Dude, this is a fucking huge movie. I'm telling you right now. I'm going to call my agent right now. I know Mike Young, and Mike Young knows Leonardo DiCaprio. Okay, we're going to get this fucking thing. We're going to put this deal together, okay?

Mike Young knows Tobey Maguire, too. Tobey Maguire wouldn't be a bad choice. Call Mike Young right now and pitch it to him and see what he says. I saw Mike Young last night. Charlie Sheen is hot right now. If I put it on speaker, will you do it? He said something hilarious. He said something hilarious.

He's like, yeah, man. I saw Joe at the UFC, man. And he held up and he said he said something like write more or something i i looked up at him and i went like this with my fingers right like from stage yeah it's just he's very funny it was an inside he's like he's right he's right he's right he's an inside joke he would always joke around the problem, I don't want to disappoint. He looks like Drake, the rapper. If Mike were black, he would be Drake. I think they look alike.

I'm going to drink whiskey with him. Mike Young? No, those hot whiskey drinks. With Mike Young or Drake? I had hot toddies last night. With Mike Young or Drake? Huh? With Mike Young or Drake? Both of them. Who did you mean initially? Mike Young. Oh. I'm sure he wouldn't mind meeting you for coffee or something.

Mike Young travels with Russell. Travels with Russell Peters. Does he really? Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, that's why he was in Montreal for the UFC. I love his song, Take Me Back. It's a fucking good song, man.

We should find that. You want to play that? Yeah, where is that? Is that even online? Oh, that's hard. Okay, I'll find it. You know, I could always email it to you. I'm sure I have it on my computer. I'll just buy it from iTunes. I'll support Mike Young. Can you buy it from iTunes? Fuck yeah. I'll find it. You know, I could always email it to you. I'm sure I have it on my computer.

I'll just buy it from iTunes. I'll support Mike Young. From iTunes? Fuck yeah. I'll support Mike Young. If you can, put the link up. It's actually a really good song. Have you ever heard Mike Young's song?

It's a fucking good song. It's a good song. We've freaked out. It's really good. I was like, Mike, man, this is like a good fucking pop song. I don't know what it is. Does he rap in it? No. Sort of. Yeah, he sort of raps in it. Jews love rapping. I don't know what it is. Does he rap in it? No, sort of.

Yeah, he sort of raps in it. Jews love rapping. I'm Jewish. My brother's a rapper. We love it. Where the fuck is it? I don't even have it on this computer. Oh, you son of a bitch. Son of a motherfucker. Here we go. You got it? I can buy it. Buy that shit, son.

I want to hear a song. Oh, it's so good. I was actually addicted to this song I was really shocked I mean it's not the greatest song ever But it's like I told him Dude this could be on the radio Are we going to hear it now? Yeah

What the fuck is going on Brian We're being held back by technology Speaking of which Were we talking about this before the podcast started? Conspiracy theory upon conspiracy theory about what the fuck is happening with these birds in Arkansas. Are you talking about this guy that just asked you to talk about it? Shoot, what did he say? It said Joe Rogan and Eliza talk about the birds and the fish that suddenly die. Oh, I didn't even see that.

The birds and the fish conversation. I didn't read I didn't even see that. The birds and the fish conversation. I didn't read the Twitter. Oh, that's all I do. But that is what the subject is. These fucking birds, like thousands of them, fell from the sky. And over 100,000 drumfish are dead. And then this guy gets murdered who is an expert in chemical warfare. this guy gets murdered who is an expert in chemical warfare.

And some guy, and there's all these websites connecting him to this fucking dead bird kill. I mean, who knows how much of it is real and what's speculative and what's just conspiracy theory nonsense. Right. But it's pretty fascinating that this guy who's an expert in chemical warfare gets assassinated. He's probably responsible for it. And PETA is the one that assassinated him.

They're fucked. They're fucked. They make you hate animals. I highly doubt it, but I think that's funny. Oh, Mike Young. Does he play the guitar? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby. Come here, dog. Is that you? That's not the song Yeah, that's what I couldn't tell Street fights underneath the street lights DJ played a record that you needed on that night Too young for bars, just rockin' in the cars Lookin' for action like some neighborhood movie stars Runnin' round town now free as a bird Just loud as you can, cause you gotta be heard Your blood pumps steel, you feel real invincible Too cool for school, yo, I never met the principal

Spend every night gettin getting high as a kite. Just sneaking in the back and eating everything in sight. Young with the hunger, fast paced, no fear. I'm living every day, I'm gonna live a hundred years. Take me back when I was a kid. Never had to worry about what I did. But I'm a man now, what's the plan now? Gotta get it done, No time for fun now.

Take me back. This is a different version. Is it? Yeah, this loop is different. Maybe he remastered it. Someone else is doing it. It's weird. Had the summertime crush

and the feel is such a rush. She was older so she made me promise to keep the rush hush. Maybe he had a fallout. Yeah, anyway. He had a fallout with it. he had a fallout with the song. Sounds like Uncle Cracker. A little bit. Sounds like Uncle Cracker.

And those guys that sang that Butterfly song. If you want to get it online. What was that song? It's called Take Me Back. Crazy Town. It's like Uncle Cracker and Crazy Town. If anybody wants to get it online, it's called Take Me Back. Take Me Back.

It's Mike Young. It's from the album Work in Progress, which is a great album. Whenever you play some sort of a song like that for sure you open up the floodgates of a million angry douchebags all over the internet going that fucking sucks sucks cock he should drown in AIDS

Mike Young fuck my girl how many people are out there yelling and screaming you should drown in AIDS on message boards it's gonna be a thing now. That's all everybody does. It's a thing for a long time. People love talking about AIDS.

If you go to the Underground Forum or if you go to the Rogan Board, those are two forums that I go to on a regular basis. Eliza, you're addicted to them. Are you addicted to any kind of websites or forums or anything like that? I compulsively check my own Facebook page, uh delisted i don't really do celebrity gossip but i do like that guy's writing yeah he's fun there's also one called catalog living.net what it is hilarious they take pictures out of catalogs and it's these two characters and they if you go to it i'll show it to you they make fun of the way furniture is set up in catalogs

because they set up these ridiculous rooms no one would live like that right it's these from the point of view of these i I think it's Gary and Elaine. They live in the catalog and it's from their point of view. If you just read one, it's so funny. I like that. I checked that. What's it called again? It's just catalogliving.net.

Do you have a message board on your website? I think so. I don't think I've ever checked it. If you want to contact me, you go to Facebook or something. It's fine. That's funny. But why do you, how come you don't want to've ever checked it But if you want to contact me You go to Facebook or something It's fine That's funny But why do you How come you don't want to have your own thing

Why would you want to just have it on Facebook Like message boards It's like It's an interesting thing To be able to have like a whole group of people That you're You know you're communicating with And it's all hosted on your site

I think she just I think I do Facebook right But I also have one There it is I have one for my web show That we do There's a message board for that.

Yeah, what is this web show? Because you were going to tell me before the show started, but we decided to wait. My show is called The Weekly News, W-E-A-K-L-Y. You've been doing that for a while, too. How long have you been doing it for? About maybe three years, and then we took a break because we lost our sponsor, and we just got it back. It starts next week.

And how do people see it? Where is it at? Go to thestream.tv. The stream? Yeah, like water. S-T-R-A-M dot TV slash weekly. And there's all these backlogged episodes and

we get on there and I just thought it was important to do a show where it wasn't some girl just cackling about Kim Kardashian. So we talk about the headlines and what's in the news and I get into debates with people and it's all in good fun. And it's the weekly news. But if a Kim Kardashian subject comes up, don't be afraid of it

i'm not afraid of it fuck those motherfuckers don't let them hold you what am i gonna do say her names that people hear me saying it in the naysercher i don't want to add to that you don't want to add to it her and her whole family there what's wrong with our society are you are you sure positive i thought it was like weapons and shit we're doing overseas with our with our society more insular not so much here in the city? Kim Kardashian's What's Wrong with the World? All girls like that. I can't even. I mean, you're probably friends with her.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not friends with her. I don't know her. My opinion is this. This is not a joke. She's gorgeous, by the way. I'll give her that. She's gorgeous.

You'd hit it? It's all these women that are uneducated, unintelligent, self-entitled, did jack crap for anything, and now it's not even about the money. You have all this notoriety publicity and there's nothing to you. And it teaches women in our society if you're just put on some makeup and let someone pee on you or if you are, not that she's a

gold digger, but if you do nothing and just act like a total fucking whore rewards will come. Screw higher education. Screw integrity. I see your point. You can see it in any industry. I also see it, though, that you've got to let the market dictate.

I think that there's a market for whores. There's a market for empty people on television. There are players. I'm not calling her a whore. She seems like a nice person. She's got a great ass. What I'm saying is there's a market for people That are trying to get attention

For no reason And they're doing this Absolutely People get fascinated And fixated on them Because they're regular people And they start following them And then they become players

In like a legit fucking show That people get hooked up on And roped into I am part of the problem Because I watch like Real Housewives of Atlanta 16 and pregnant Crazy get girls

I watch all of these I've been watching Beverly Hills. I watch all of them, and I'm so, I'm a part of that problem. But I guess my thing, the Beverly Hills. Don't be hating. That's all I'm saying. I'm not hating. These people are just. You've got to let a freak be a freak.

You've just got to let them. You've just got to let them and watch it. It's fascinating. You guys watch 16 and Pregnant? I can't watch that. I can't watch that. That's so gross. That one chick has been beating people. She's been like arrested like three times in the last week. If I was 16 and Pregnant, I'd that. I can't watch that. That's so gross. That one chick has been beating people.

She's been arrested like three times in the last week. If I was 16 and pregnant, I'd be kicking dudes' asses too. That shit's scary. She's probably out of her mind. What's wrong with MTV for doing that shit? That's fucked up. Well, you know, what's right, they're showing it to us. I don't think it's wrong.

You don't have to watch it. You know what it is. They're glamorizing it. I think it's not glamorizing it, man. I think for a lot of people, it's going to scare the fucking shit out of them. I was almost like, why are all the girls fat? And then I realized, oh, they just had babies. Oh, you catty woman, you.

How rude. No, no, I'll give credit if it's due. I mean, they're attractive. I said Kim Kardashian was pretty. Yes, you did. Worthless, but pretty. Wow, worthless. Worthless.

You can't be pretty and worthless. Do you watch Real Housewives of Atlanta? Because if someone wants to fuck you, you're worth something. Worthless in my eyes, because I don't want to fuck her. I want to fuck Kim from the Atlanta one. What about the sister that sounds like Kim? You like that one? The Kim one?

The wig chick? You like her? Why? I want to totally have sex with her. This is a woman that... Really? I want to have cigarettes with her and fucking... Just kidding.

This woman always fucks her. Brian has a type. She has a type. Brian likes a big woman. You like gold diggers that have three children? You want a big woman that gets on top. No. You know how horrible that is? Wigs. Shut up, boy. She has a type. You like gold diggers that have three children? Who wants a big woman that gets on top? No. You know how horrible that is?

Wigs. I hate fake hair. What if a girl was trying to choke you while she fucked you? What? What if a girl was trying to choke you? I don't like that shit. I don't like it. Have you ever had a girl try to do that?

Yeah. Choke the boy? Yeah. There was this girl when I went to a rave once when I was like 20. And there was this girl that I took home, and the next morning, we had sex, but she was trying to choke me, and the next morning she had no eyebrows. They had like smeared off, and it was like raver eyebrows

where she had no eyebrows and they were painted on, and when she woke up it was just smeared all over her face. She has no expression. She was trying to choke me the whole time. I was like, what the fuck? This chick murdered somebody by now. I've never heard of a girl wanting to do that. I can understand girls wanting that.

I've never heard of a girl like, let me choke you. Yeah. Ari's a big choker. Ari Shakur. I can see that. Every time I... I can see that about Ari. For sure.

We were in, what, Austin? Yeah, Austin. And the whole time, he's just sitting there. He just met this girl. He's just choking her the whole time. You probably shouldn't be talking about this. No, no, no. It was at the comedy club.

Oh, you made it sound like you were in bed with him. I don't think I was like, what, are you talking about this? Oh, dear, he doesn't care. I always talk about that. I'm sure he doesn't care. I don't think any guy would care. Yeah.

But it was just uncomfortable for me because like, wow. I can't do that. I can't just go up to a girl and be like, hey, I'm just starting to squeeze your neck. It's like when you're young,

if you date a girl who's like really into her feet and like playing with your dick with your feet, dudes get like foot fetishes. That's where they get it from. Is that where it starts? Yeah, that's where it starts. You really into her feet and playing with your dick with your feet. Dudes get foot fetishes. That's where they get it from. Is that where it starts? Yeah, that's where it starts.

You don't think people are born with it? I don't know. That's catalog. Some of those are just really... Could be both. Could be you have a bunch of reasons for having some weird fetish. But that could be one that he just dated a girl and the sex was really hot and she liked to get choked. So he just started associating choking

With hot sex That's crazy I don't understand guys that don't like boobs That almost offends me I'm more of a butt guy I'm like how could you not care about boobs That's so important That's where life comes from

What guys are you hanging out with They're looking for flaws. I know you got all big tits and shit, but I ain't into that. I hear people talk on TV or male comics and they're like, I'm more of a butt guy. I'm like, what a fucking waste. I don't get that at all.

If I had to choose between one or the other, I'd say I'm more of a butt guy. This is the problem. No, it's not the problem. I love breasts as well. But I've seen a lot of really attractive women that have small breasts and big asses. But you're looking at their breasts

more than you are their butt. It doesn't matter. It's aesthetic. What do you think is sexy? I don't mind girls with small breasts. It doesn't bother me. It bothers me. Have I said this before?

Just because you have big tits, that's all it is. And you're from Texas. It's ingrained in your system. It's a big titty state. But if you had to choose between a girl with big tits and a flat ass, a girl with small tits and a big juicy ass. If she has no butt, it makes it easier to lie down and you can touch the boobs.

No. No, you're crazy. I hate that flat ass. I hate that. Whose ass is so flat that it's really affecting mostly lazy people i knew a girl in college that had one of those flat asses that looked like a square because very thin girl sometimes and it was disturbing she had a little chunk to her that's what it is i wouldn't i didn't want to hang out with her just because of how uncomfortable her ass made me if you have an ugly butt it's different than a tiny butt like girls

that have like elephant butts where it's just like a tiny butt. Like girls that have like elephant butts where it's just like a flat rhino surface. Yes. There was this one girl when we were in high school. There's this one girl that had this strangest body. She was like five feet tall,

but she was like three feet wide and her shoulders and her hips were equally wide. Was she a swimmer? No, she was just a big girl. She was so big. Like I remember just like standing next to her. She was so fucking wide and so big.

You're like, this poor kid. There's nothing you can do about it. She had these giant bones. She was just like this five foot tall Neanderthal looking fucking freak. Tiniest Neanderthal in the herd. That's how small they were. They were all little. All Neanderthals were five feet tall, like 200 pounds.

They were totally built different than us. They looked like Wolverine from the X-Men comic book. For real. That's what they looked like. Is he short in the comic book? Yeah, he's really short. Is he really? Yeah, he's really short and yoked.

But these things were actually shorter than him. You know, we talked about this on the podcast, didn't we, before about Neanderthals? About why they died off? I don't know, but I bet they had the best boobs. Well, the reason why they died off is because... For your sake, help. I don't know, but I bet they have the best boobs. Well, the reason why they died off is because human males fucked the female Neanderthals, but human females wouldn't let the male Neanderthals fuck them. But don't they rape and pillage?

Isn't that their shtick? We were kicking their asses. We're smarter than them. We made better weapons. We're fucking them up, fucking their women. And then we just sort of integrated them, and the males died off. That's what happened. Well, that's why the French are so smart.

I say we like it was me. Like I was up back there, me and the boys kicking some stupid monkey ass. That's why the French are little. You think? Yeah. Because they're Neanderthals? No. That is a part of France.

Napoleon. It has something to do with like all the strong ones went off to war and they were so weak. All the big guys died. So all the little ones were left over. And that's why. Wow. What a trip. What a trip. You could say that for any culture i guess it's ridiculous

how crazy is that that's like a real concern in some cultures that men will go off the war and they'll die off and they'll leave like a a larger number of females then the women have to become fucking warriors to try to fend off invading herds of men and whatever happened to that old school like go to war for, like, three years, and the chick actually waited for the guy, you know? Nowadays, it's like... The second people leave now... World War II, they were getting closet pussies

just like they are today. Yeah, not so easy. Now the girl leaves, and she puts it on Facebook. Oh, I'm gonna be lonely for the next three years. You know how many fucking messages that girl gets? If you cheat on your boyfriend who's overseas, you deserve to die in a sea of AIDS right now. A sea of AIDS.

Definitely. What a dumb hooker. Unless your boyfriend's a douchebag and didn't realize it until he left and went to war. And then what? You get stuck there because you want to be a patriot? No, but just to cheat on him because you're lonely. You can't generalize. Maybe the poor girl just realized she's free now.

Maybe I want to explore my life. And I don't want to get in a confrontation with Randy because he gets fucking angry and he shoots his guns. He has rage issues. I shouldn't say Randy when Randy Couture is one of my heroes. I should come up with a better name for my fake person. I don't think he's going to think you want him. No. Ronald.

I don't know any Ronalds. No one named Ronald is tough. Is it Ronald Reagan? Are you kidding? There's probably a bunch of tough Ronalds out there. Ronald? He had blush a bunch of tough Ronalds out there. Ronald? He had blush. Blushy cheeks.

I'm trying to think of any MMA guys I know named Ron. Fuck. Ron is different than Ronald. Ron. But that's what their real name is. You become Ron. If you're Ronald, you become nerd. No one's like, I'm Jack.

My name's Ronald. Yeah. Let's fucking do this. Ronald or Ronnie. So you have to pick, huh? Ronald or Ronnie? But isn't it the same name My mom's name is Ronnie

Really And my stepdad's name is Randy Weird Hey are you related To Dr. Laura Schlesinger No To get that question all the time It's not

Hers has a C I think That's gotta be annoying as fuck right It doesn't happen enough That I'm like upset about it Do they ever think that you're her Maybe I get easier upset than you No because that would be worse No

What what I said maybe I get easier It's easier to upset me be worse. What? I said maybe I get easier, it's easier to upset me than you. It happens, but it's not. For me, it used to be like

Fred Rogan, the sports guy. You related to Fred Rogan? But it's spelled different. I mean, there are worse people to be asked if you're related.

Yeah, sure. Fred, I'm sure he's a good guy. No one asked if I'm related to Kim Zolciak. I'm okay with that. Who's that? That wig wearer.

Yeah. Who's that? From the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Who's now? That wig wearer. Yeah. Who's that? From Atlanta. From the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Oh. Who's now dating a football player. And they're having a baby. You know her last name and everything?

Well, that's what she goes by. And she has a song. You think she quit smoking while she was having the baby? No. I bought her CD. No. I have tardy for the party. So she's smoking.

You think she's smoking while she's pregnant? Absolutely. That's hard to see, man. That is one of the hardest things to see. And she's a nurse. So you know she's a nurse. I saw that in Canada. Stepped out of me and Ari Shafia were way up in Saskatoon, somewhere crazy. It's a rough area.

It was way out in the middle of nowhere. It's really interesting. And we stepped out of this restaurant. There's this chick there, big fucking belly, sitting there smoking a cigarette. I'm like, wow. She's probably trying to do the kid a favor and get rid of it so it doesn't have to be born in Saskatoon. Fuck. People have made the argument that it doesn't,

I mean, it's stupid that it doesn't affect the kid. Oh, it affects the kid. Absolutely. I blame that for why I'm fucked up. What, smoke? My mom. My mom smoked when I was in the womb. Dude.

That's all my issues. I remember my friend's mom smoked and we would go bowling every Saturday And she would just sit there with the window cracked open And just the smoke would hit me in the face The whole way to the bowling alley I remember going, oh, this is the worst This kid I went to high school with, his mom and dad both chain smoked

It was the creepiest thing You would go over, it was just a house of death You'd go over their house and there was smoke everywhere It was fucking cold as shit Because we lived in Boston, you know So you'd go over their house and their living room everywhere. It was fucking cold as shit because we lived in Boston. So you go over to their house and their living room was just filled with fucking smoke. You would walk into

a death cloud. They're killing themselves. They're choking themselves to death. My best friend growing up, her parents were insomniacs that chain smoked. And so she'd be like, come sleep over at my house and you would go home reeking of cigarettes before a formal. She's like, come over to my house for pictures. I'm like, I don't want to do that. You'd probably be jacked

from the nicotine too. Did you get like, did you feel the nicotine? I mean, you're a kid, so you're already running around. Were you a mellow child? What?

Mellow child? He's trying to get to know you. No, no, no. I mean, because of all the cigarettes, you were a mellow child. Was I a mellow child? No.

No, from the cigarettes. Oh, from her. So relaxed. This is such a confusing conversation, Brian. Bro. Yeah, I feel really bad for little kids whose parents smoke, and they smoke around them all the time. They get it in their head that that's, you know, just a part of life.

You know, some people smoke, and shit, maybe I should try it too. Well, it is relaxing, and then next thing you know, you're hooked on the tit too. It is a bizarre thing that there's no politicians calling out for that shit to be illegal. Is it bizarre? It's very bizarre. Is it bizarre really politicians calling out for that shit to be illegal. Is it bizarre? It's very bizarre. Is it bizarre really? It's bizarre that people tolerate it. 400,000 people die every year from cigarette smoke.

I agree with you. And no one is up in arms. What do you mean no one is up in arms? They're not. No one's up in arms. No one's trying to stop it. No one's making it a part of political campaigns. These politicians probably make a lot of money from private money.

Well, yeah. Well, they definitely do. I think it should be illegal to smoke anywhere but in your house. Like when I go out to eat, even if you're smoking on the curb, it's affecting me. It's such a selfish habit. I think it should just be a legal period. I think even most smokers would say, dude, if it wasn't sold, if you guys made it legal, sure. I think you should be able to do whatever you want to do.

In your house. If you want to smoke a cigarette, I think you should be able to smoke a cigarette. I definitely don't agree with any sort of nanny state bullshit where you can say that happy meals can't be legal because kids get tricked into eating them because there's a toy inside. Shut the fuck up. It's the parents' fault. It's a goddamn happy meal.

Yeah, exactly. If you want to buy a happy meal every now and then for a goof, who gives a shit? Stop. This is nonsense. Super people should die out. We shouldn't. I guess.

They will. Yeah, I think so. It is the government's job to protect. It's not the government's job to make you eat right Or make things easier It's their job to protect your right to do whatever the fuck you want I just don't think you should be able to tell me I know cigars can give you cancer too

And I like a cigar every now and then I don't think you should be able to tell me what the fuck to do I want to do what I want to do The government can't tell you not to smoke But you shouldn't be able to smoke in my face But there should be some sort of a way that we can find out what the fuck

those 599 chemicals that they've added to cigarettes are. First of all, because a bunch of them have been concocted entirely to affect the addiction process.

No, it's mostly spices. Spices. It's a certain menthol smell. Stevia. It's angel balls. Now she's eating it. Now it's dessert. It's the stuff that they put installation.

You know, fiberglass is in menthols is what they used to always say. Remember that stuff would make you itchy as a kid. You would play on it and then you'd have, oh, I remember that. I used to install that shit. I used to install fiberglass. The pink stuff? Yeah. The pink panther kind?

When I worked as a laborer for doing construction when I was a kid, my father was an architect, so I got a lot of jobs on construction sites. And we used to have to install a lot of that shit. And you just go home just itching, man, everywhere. We would jump on it at the hardware store. You get bad zits, too. That's what my attic used to have in it. And I used to just like looking at the Pink Panther logo.

So I would jump in there just to look at it. It looks so inviting. It's cotton candy. In the summer in Boston, installing that shit that shit oh it gets so hot there i went to college there and i had no ac in my apartment it gets wet it's like that wet heat that you don't get here in california california heat's no big deal it's 110 degrees out here and you're like ah it's hot but no big deal you know if it's 110 in boston or new jersey or in the one else it's just swamp especially if you're like in a city.

There's no relief and there's just steam everywhere. You know, they have bear problems in New Jersey. Do you know that? That New Jersey has like, they just started the opening season on bears now. They have bear hunting tags. You can get bear hunting in New Jersey. And it's not gay people, right? We're talking about bears.

No, no. Because they seem like they were. Big fucking burly gay guys. One part of the community is out of control. Well, you don't realize that a big part of New Jersey apparently is rural. We always think of New Jersey as like neural. Rural. We always think of New Jersey as like Newark and these industrial areas and these dumps

and shit. Sopranos. Do I have a bad accent? No, no, no. It's just those are weird words. Newark. Newark, New Jersey. That's where I was born.

But a huge part of New, no, no. Those are weird words. Newark. Newark, New Jersey. That's where I was born. A huge part of New Jersey is just woods. And there's fucking bears are invading into people's neighborhoods. And once bears get addicted to eating out of garbage cans, they know how easy it is to get the food that way. They just go to that every time because it's way easier than killing animals or pulling up roots and shit.

So they just start fucking up people's garbage and they just move into neighborhoods and they have like real problems. Can I show you a funny bear clip? It was on like the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago. Sure. I saw this in the New York cabs in the back. They have like little NBC video clips that you can watch. Right. I was in New York a couple weeks ago and I saw this. Just put, hey, what are you doing

bear? It's literally 10 seconds and it's the funniest thing ever. People should look at it. It was they named a whole segment after it. Is this the top one? It's going to be a thing where I keep looking for it. Hey, what are you doing, bear?

Hey, what are you doing there? And what is it? It's this farmer and he is, here it is, this one. Watch this. Oh, I know what you're talking about. He's not a farmer,

he's a hunter. He's not a stand. Same thing. A farmer and a hunter is the same thing. I'm totally kidding. It's it's close well maybe vote for it until he gets here well anyway what it is is uh this bear decides to climb up this ladder where this guy is uh hunting which is really scary and he scares it off this one's quicker wow bears. Bears are highly intelligent animals.

That's not the same thing. This could be... It's not the same thing. Oh, sorry. That's a different one. It's a different one? Yeah, that's a different one. Okay, sorry.

It's okay. It's almost the same thing, though. I don't understand why this is... Here, I'll get it. Just get it to the end. Anyway, the bear... This is the best podcast ever. I hate when people can't find the clips, and then they're like, just wait a second, and

then it's not funny. And then their internet sucks. Here it comes. Yeah. And then just watch. Here it comes. The bear's looking up the ladder. Yeah, the guy's up there with his feet. There's a bear at the bottom of this tree stand and now the bear

is climbing up the tree stand. The ladder. Here it comes. Yeah, it's a ladder but it's a tree stand. now the bear is climbing up the tree stand the ladder here it comes yeah it's a ladder but it's a tree stand the bear's climbing halfway up right now oh my god say something dude hey what are you doing there what are you doing there what the fuck how lucky is he that that bear does not know What's going on And just runs away That was fucking crazy Hey what are you doing there

And the bear's like I made a mistake Wrong house There's a guy That's pretty relaxed Yeah That guy's relaxed Around there

I would've been screaming Like ah The bear was halfway Up the fucking ladder Before he said anything Fuck He was hoping the bear Was gonna change it's mind

That's crazy You don't have to get Real big when a bear comes. You just have to reason with it. Bears respond to logic. Unless they have their babies with them, and then they're going to eat your asshole. Growing up in Texas. They go asshole first.

Yeah, asshole first. And they'll eat you out from the inside. Growing up in Texas, did you do a lot of hunting? No, I'm Jewish. We don't hunt. Oh, you didn't hunt. We don't hunt. Hunt for bargains.

You know what I did used to do? My friend, Lauren, her parents were into something called reenactment shootings, and they would dress up in period costumes, like early or late 19th century cowboy attire, and we would go out to the middle of nowhere in Frisco before it had houses there, and they would have little towns set up, and they would do timed events shooting rifles, and you'd get awards at the end.

And we would just sit there in the back of a Suburban and drink Dr. Pepper and watch her parents do this every Sunday. Damn. Like 6 a.m. And they had, like, cowboy names, and it was like a little community. Holy shit. And we got to shoot guns. Wow. That's awesome.

It's like a cowboy version of Dungeons and Dragons or something. Yeah. It's kind of like Civil War reenactments But there's no shooting back Those things Civil War reenactments I don't get them I guess I get the Renaissance thing

A little bit more It seems like They're having fun The Civil War thing is ridiculous Are you just running? like around with a gun? I don't think so. I think they plan out the war. Yeah.

What do you plan out? Like battles like this is when these guys came over the hill and it's like an accurate. Do you have to do it according to what happened? I believe so. I think that's what directions. Well, I think they're just pretending they're really doing it in real history and they're getting a boner for it. This is weird. Big old Civil War.

It's fucking weird, man. Running around with fake bullets and you're shooting you know blanks and shit as a kid though watching that that was really cool you know and it showed you that something that you normally used to have books for now you can just be a video game i wonder how often those civil war reenactments i wonder how often people get actually shot it's like oh i thought these were all blanks yeah you didn't like some psycho who just said, I'm just going to go and I'm going to shoot somebody and I'll say it was an accident.

I thought it was blank. They'll never know. With all the same gun, they won't know it's from me. Yeah. And they would have to figure out who shot the real bullet. It's Brandon Lee.

Dude. Law and order. Civil war. Yeah, the Brandon Lee thing, right? Oh, yeah. That always scares me. Yeah. It's fucking terrifying.

They changed the rules now because of that movie you're not allowed to point a gun at a person when you're in a gun scene when you're shooting at them you're not allowed

to shoot a blank at the person you have to point away from them so like the prop guy just loaded in a real bullet on accident I don't think so

I think there was something in the casing that exploded wow it was like there was something stuck on the top of it I think that's what it was.

It was like set and enacted as a projectile and it shot him. And it was at really close range, I think, too. I've thought about that. And I've always thought about that as like a horrible way to go. And then I realized I can't even get callbacks. So I don't think being shot on set is like an issue of mine yet. Like you're not going to be that picky. When I first came to California, it was like 1994,

there was a guy who I was working with whose friend had committed suicide accidentally on a set because they had a blank gun, and he didn't know that you could just put a blank gun up to your head and pull the trigger. You can't? No. It blows your brains out with the fucking force of the air. Wow.

I never knew that. I wouldn't have done it. So he took this in front of everybody and he's like hey look at this Boom and he fucking blows his brains out the force in the air Wow What an awful way he probably didn't die right then he probably Hemorrhage he just big hole in his head went down started hemorrhaging they bring him to the hospital dead Yeah, I wish that was on YouTube. Fuck. Did you ever see the Bud Dwyer?

Have you ever seen that? Bud Dwyer was a politician. Do you want to watch it? Yeah. Oh my god. Bud Dwyer was a politician. I believe it was in Pittsburgh and he was corrupt and he got caught and they called a press conference and he pulls out a.44 Magnum in the press conference and blows his brains out.

Is this online? Oh yeah. Sad? No. It's going conference and blows his brains out. Oh, yeah Sad no, it's gonna freak you the fuck out. Maybe we'll find out what you're made of if you're an ice princess You might just look at this and go yeah Fuck bud Dwyer I'm sorry you right now. She's stuffed. Where's Greg?

Is that him? Yeah. It's like Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah. Yes. And where's Don Johnson? So he wants everybody in the room and he's got an envelope.

He's planning this? Yes. Oh yeah, watch this. Here, he opens the envelope. Watch this. Greg, where are you? I'm right here. Look at this. Look at this. He hands out some letters.

And then he pulls out the gun. Watch this shit. I almost started crying. I hate that. Yeah, that wasn't cool. Why would you want to watch that? Yeah. That was... In the movies, there's not even that much blood gushing out. Well, but in the movies, aren't really accurate.

But you would think a movie would do more. It's always exacerbated. Everything's always bigger. I've never seen blood gush out of someone's nose like that. Yeah, it's horrendous. I'm so sad now. Really? Well, Bud's in a better place now.

Probably not. Maybe so. Probably at the comedy store. He's in the basement. He's in the basement doing abortions. Oh, I hated that. He was pregnant at the time. That's why it's terrible.

That's why he killed himself. Oh, God, I hated that. Yeah, I know. It's a trip to think that the spectrum of human behavior is that vast. That there's people that their life is so fucked beyond repair. Their brain is so fucked. Their emotions are so fucking damaged. Everything's just so much pain.

They just want to stick a tube of metal in their mouth and just end it all. Ba-bling! That's one of those haunting videos that will always be in my head. Always. The woman getting hit by the train is another one. And the guy getting fucked by the horse. I'll watch that. That'll make me feel better. Monkey World. Pull that up? Yeah.

Pull up twoguysonehorse.com. My ear hurts now because I'm watching that. Well, the twoguysonehorse.com is here hurts now because I'm watching that well the twoguysonehorse.com this is what I was talking about with the movie Zoo yeah

it's really they really changed the law because of this so what happened was I can't wait to watch it this guy died and then they they interrogated his friends

and they found out about this farm and they went there and there was over a hundred hours of video of guys getting fucked by animals

and this is on the documentary? Yeah. Well, they don't show it in the documentary. The documentary is like most of it is like reenactments and kind of describing everything that happened when it went down. It's just so fascinating, especially from the point of view of the people who were living there because these people are like in love with animals.

I mean, there's something going on that's not right. Can I ask a question before we start this when whoever built this website was like web mastering it do you think it's weird to be like hey hey can you know the phone how do i get that jpeg of the horse running i think it'd be really cute on this website you know it's a pony is it from clipart like where do i get this i think it'll compliment the horse cock really well from a website from like 1986 put two of of them on. Put two of them on. Let's go crazy. I have a horse cock joke.

This is obviously... Okay. Now, this is going to be fun to watch your face this time. I just want to watch for a second. I don't want to get upset. By the way, this is 100% real. Is he doing that himself? No, no.

There's another guy. That's his arm. Yeah, that's why it's two guys, one horse. That's a guy's arm. But it's not all the way down. Look how he's holding it to try to keep it from going in too far. That's my favorite part. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is this what kills him? Yep. Look at that. Do you hear what he's saying? Too much? Is that his intestine? No, that's the horse dick. And that kills him right there?

Listen to this. Oh, God. I thought he was saying something. They were saying, he came, he came. They're all excited that the horse came. How vile. That killed that guy. Yeah.

The guy who's in that video is a guy that used to go by the name of Mr. Hands. Don't throw up. You can do this, Eliza. You got through the whole last comic standing. The back of my neck's really hot. Not like a turned on way. What are you doing, Brian? Is that Lemon Party?

Is that working? I was trying to cheer her up with Lemon Party. Oh, you want something gross. Google Blue Waffle. What? Blue Waffle. Blue Waffle. Blueberry Waffle.

Blue. No. Blue Waffle. Blue Waffle. Blue waffle. Blue waffle. Why don't you Google that shit? It's like the 20th image now. What is it? Oh my god.

On Google Images. Blue waffle. Can you even call it a vagina? That's photoshopped. I think some girls it a vagina? That's Photoshop of some... That's a busted vagina. Wow. I think some girls let their vagina get that out of hand. No, that's not out of hand.

That's like Ebola. That looks like the predator got in a car accident. And then drowned. And then drowned. Actually, I wonder if I could ever jerk off to that picture. If I really tried hard. If you had to? If I had really tried hard. If you had to? If I had to do it.

If you had your eyes closed. Well, if you only have to come like a little dribble, you could probably pull that off. You can't control how much. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. No, you can't. Yeah, you can. No, you can.

Yeah, you can. What are you talking about? If you're not turned on. Yeah. I mean, you can't control it like consciously, but different factors do control it. Yeah, how hard you're coming. If a guy's more turned on, it becomes more. Yeah.

If a guy's barely turned on, you're like... I challenge this. No. No, it's a fact. If a guy's not turned on, if you're jerking off to a picture of a fucking diseased vagina, you're not going to get a full erection. You're not going to get a full ejaculation.

You're still going to get as much cum as you would if you were super turned on. It's about how long you don't do it for. I can show you. I can show you. He'll fuck you and everything's were super turned on. It's about how long you don't do it for. I could show you. He'll fuck you and everything's going to work out. This has all been a plot by Brian. Brian, don't do that.

This is disrespectful. She's a girl. You can't do that. That's not cool. For the folks listening on iTunes, Brian just pulled out a big rubber penis. And aimed it at me, which you can't do on a movie set. Brian, we're number three, number seven, and number 29 in the top 30 podcast. Did you get that email?

Yeah, that's pretty sweet. Yeah, we're just all the downloaded episodes. So everybody that's tuned into the podcast, thank you very much. And thanks for all the positive emails and Twitters. And this is a lot of fun to do. And we enjoy doing it. And we enjoy having people like Eliza come on. Is it over?

Very polite dog. No, we're going to keep this rolling. Yeah, we still got time. No, I just wanted to say thank you to people. I don't have to wait to the end. Somebody said talk. I don't know what. People are tweeting you.

See, now someone's mad because I said something about Saskatchewan. I'll back it up. Just don't listen to them. You can't be disconnected while we're having a conversation. Why are you letting the machines control you? Listen, the machine's controlling you, man. I thought it was a good way to connect.

It's a good way to connect. It is a good way to connect. You just don't want to connect all the time because then eventually they're going to invade all aspects of your personal life. The robots will take over.

Well, there's going to be some sort of a, you know, hey, you know, a camera where you can see two views. The view of you and the view that you see of the world. And you can choose to share these views with people. That's what's going to happen. You're going to have your own little fucking internet TV channel.

And it's your life. And, you know, some people will let them see everything. You can see out when I'm washing myself, but you can't see back. You can't see me naked. Like, people will draw the line at which cameras are going to keep on. I've already done that. I mean, people already have it. Really?

Someone's taking showers and shit with cameras on them and moving around their house with cameras on them? Oh, yeah. My little sister. Yeah. My stepmom was talking about this. It's called something like roulette. Roulette? No, no, no.

Chat roulette. Chat roulette. Oh, that's totally different. Do you know about it? That's dudes pulling their dicks out. That's why it's chat roulette. Do I wear something uncomfortable? My stepmom was telling me about this the other day.

Bet on black. She goes, and I went on to emily's my stepsister went on to emily's computer and i i could see her and her friends looking and i didn't know what they were looking at and i went in their room they were on chat roulette and they were looking at some guy's cock i was like you said cock like for no reason she was like it was just a big cock and i was like get out of here i think half of of Chatelou Roulette is that. I've never seen it. I don't know what, I've never. What's cool is they have an iPhone version, and that was one of the few people to download.

I actually have a bit about this. It was one of the few people to download it, and then they pulled it off the iTunes store, so you can't download it anymore. There's like a good 20,000 people that downloaded that app that still use it, because it still works. Can we go to the site? But now there's no new people. So you just start recognizing penises. They're like,

Oh, there's Jim again. Yeah. Is that his wife in the background? So when they pull it, they can't take it off your phone. Like it will still work. It will still work.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Well, how come no one's figured out a way to get it back to the phone? I don't know. Cause I'm getting everybody's getting tired of looking at the same car. That if you ever done that FaceTime thing, we talked, how's that? I'm getting tired of looking at the same car. It's repetitive.

Have you ever done that FaceTime thing? Oh, yeah. What's that? FaceTime is if you had an iPhone, you could call me and do video. Is that a dig at me? Yeah. Can you do FaceTime? Do you have to have a Wi-Fi connection, though?

Yeah, you have to have a Wi-Fi connection. Can you do it with that T-Mobile phone, the new one that doesn't have Wi-Fi? The 4G or whatever it's called. I don't know if it'll work on anything other than Apple phones, but what it is is two-way video chat. I think it only works Apple phone to Apple phone. I think you've got Skype now. You have Skype video now just released on the iOS.

It's the same thing as Skype, so it's nothing sexual. Skype video, so you can do the same thing as this. So that'll be more universal. Skype video is actually 3G too. It not wi-fi uh-huh so skype video so the jerking off is back on back on is that what it is a lot of that yeah a lot of two-way jerking off yeah is there a way to record it oh so i can secretly record brett farve's dick while he's two-way jerking off totally that's not his dick i don't think it's his dick no No Why do you say that? Because I mean it was gray She's seen it

I've had sex with Brett Favre Everyone needs to know After he had practice When he was really tired He barely gets it up It just looks like it was his I just I don't know

You've imagined it different Right? In my dreams How would you imagine Brett Favre's cock to be? Like a warrior? He would have shoulder pads and war paint. Gladiator cock.

You like to think of your superheroes as having superhero wieners. It's kind of a trip when you see a dude with gray hair out there playing professional football. And you're like, hmm, really? What the hell's going on here? What's going on? How are you doing this? How are you playing? He's not old, though.

He just has gray hair. He's 40-something. He's not old, though. He just has gray hair. He's 40-something. He's not old. For a professional football player, it's fair. Can you imagine what his balls look like? Nope. That's old. There's only a few people in athletics that are able to compete somehow or another after age 40.

There's not that many. It's pretty fucking small. Is he a quarterback? Yes. Quarterbacks, they're not as impactful as a quarterback. They're not a linebacker. They get nailed. But it's not as Impact as a quarterback They're not a linebacker They get nailed But it's not as As often as like a

Yes A bigger guy But when they get nailed They get nailed extra hard Because they're like A little bonus You know Take out the quarterback

People get very excited To do that It's called a quarterback Fact Joe Yes it is Just letting you know Yes They're going to change

Football though folks They're going to put Fucking sensors in their helmets They're going to find out What kind of impact People get The Crested Stimmy style Oh I thought you meant So they couldn't curse They bleep it folks. They're going to put fucking sensors in their helmets. They're going to find out what kind of impact people get. The Crestus dummy style? Oh, I thought you meant so they couldn't curse, they bleep it.

Like if they were airing it from their point of view like on Monday Night Football. The football has a real issue with head injuries. A lot of these guys are getting like really massive brain damage and then as they're older men, they're just fucked up. They get Lou Gehrig's disease.

They have all these issues. They eventually become paralyzed, some of them. Their body just eventually shuts down. And it's from continued head trauma. Sure. They're smashing their head into these fucking helmets. And so they're going to start making them wear these sensors that detect what kind of impact they get. Are they going to do it for hockey? Probably not. There's more it for hockey? Probably not.

There's more body impact than it is head. Yeah, hockey, they slam into each other, and everybody slides around, too. It's probably better to be on ice when you're slamming into each other, because even though they hit you really hard, it's slippery. You're not dug into the ground like you are

in a football field, where it's dirt, and you're running, and you're running. It absorbs it, yeah. There's more impact. More impact because it's stationary. Yeah, I just feel like you would move. I mean, that's why hockey fights don't seem as dangerous. I mean, sometimes guys get

fucked up in hockey fights. I saw a guy beat another guy with his own helmet. Oh, that's not right. It was an accident, but it happened. That's a douchey move. I think he got caught. Everybody knows you're supposed to take the gloves off and you circle and then you go at it. You don't be hitting people with their fucking helmet. No, but I, yeah.

That's weak shit. There's nothing worse. I will say this. I just remember playing sports in high school. There's nothing worse than when you aim to hurt someone, but you accidentally hurt them in a way you didn't intend to, and it looks more aggressive than you meant. And that's when you're like, I didn't mean to punch her in the mouth. I meant for it, and it was an accident.

Something gets caught. So you are like a super competitive person. You're there throwinging in cheap shots No Did you throw cheap shots On girls in lacrosse I got a lot of yellow cards Did you

Oh my nickname One of my nicknames Was butcher Because I was defense And I took it very seriously Oh you're mean So would you hit them With their sticks

Hit them with the sticks And shit Yeah Really Not supposed to But you'd do it anyway right Just a little love tap Like get out of my zone

Love tap Hit them with a stick She's hitting bitches With sticks man She was playing lacrosse Not supposed to. But you do it anyway, right? Just a little love tap. Get out of my zone. Love tap. Hit him with a stick. She's hitting bitches with sticks, man. She was playing lacrosse. She was hitting chicks with sticks. She's from Texas. One of my worst memories from high school.

I got a red card. You know what you would be into? You would be into martial arts. Have you ever done any martial arts? You are so aggressive. That would be such a good thing for you. I would love to take something just so I could back, like when a girl is a bitch in a nightclub, I would be able to back up my shit talking. Well, you don't want to fight.

No, but sometimes. You'll feel confident enough. It'll be better because you won't be worried about it. I would never get in a fight, but I would like that confidence to know that I could handle it. I just mean for just getting all this energy out of you. You mean the elliptical 20 minutes a day isn't going to do it's not gonna do it no you need to hit something you need to hit something where should i go well i'll we'll talk afterwards tell me where where you live because you don't want to tell all these fucking freaks these online people are listening no but can i tell you

something yes speaking of where you live somebody sent this to me i'll give you the address right now somebody sent this to me there's a website you can go to. There's probably a bunch of these. Here it is. It's called Spokeo.com. S-P-O-K-E-O.com. And you can type in your name, and your name will come up where you live. Don't say this. No, no.

You can block yourself. I took myself off of it this morning. That's what I'm telling you. Anyone, they'll tell you how much your house is worth. Okay. Let's talk about this later. No, people should take themselves off. Okay. People are going to find you's what I'm telling you. Anyone, they'll tell you how much your house is worth. Okay, let's talk about this later. No, people should take themselves off. Okay.

People are going to find you if they want to find you. Oh, yeah. It's 2010, right? Yeah. 11 now? Don't blame me. But you should block yourself. Yeah, you shouldn't promote this shit.

I was pissed because they said my house was worth less than it was. Those cunts. Yeah, so don't tell me where you live on the air, but afterwards I'll find a place that's near you. I don't want to get kicked in the shins or hit in the boob or in the mouth. Well, they have protection for all of those things. It's going to stun kind of. But really the best thing for a girl to learn is jiu-jitsu because jiu-jitsu is not really reliant on strength. It's really more reliant on technique.

So you could actually subdue a man. Like you could choke a man. My friend Felicia, she weighs about 130 pounds, and she fucks men up all the time. She's a black belt, and it's so frustrating for men. There's nothing they can do. Is it like pressure points? No, it's just technique. It's chokes and arm locks and stuff like that.

But when you do it correctly. So if you get attacked by a rapist, you will grab him and throw him on the ground and start rolling around with him. No, you choke him unconscious. You know what I want to learn? Small joint manipulation. That shit doesn't work. Dudes will let you break their fingers and still punch you in the face. It doesn't work. Believe me, when adrenaline's

flowing, you're not even going to feel that finger. It's not for fights. It's for just being annoying. It doesn't really work. People pull their hand away. Give me my fucking hand back. No. You have to be smart. I only pick on people weaker than me. Weaker than you are your friends. So you trick them. You pull them into your web and break their fingers. You have to be smart. I only pick on people weaker than me. Weaker than you and then are your friends.

So you trick them. You pull them into your web and break their fingers. Oh, not you. Some weird maneuver. See, you're a competitor person and this is like, it's all natural. And it's just, it'll help you so much. If you just fucking punch a heavy bag or do a jujitsu class or something, you'd be so much more relaxed. I would love to take something like that.

It's fun. It's fun. It's fun. Yoga. That's not a thing. Have you ever tried yoga? I have done yoga. I like to move. I don't enjoy meditating and stuff like that.

That's very hard for me. But yoga is not just meditation. It's just the ability to relax in these really uncomfortable positions. I like that a bit. It's good for you, though. It is good for you. I do it rarely, though. I talk a lot of shit. But if I take one yoga class a and strengthen it's good for you though it is good for you but you can there's other i do it rarely though i talk a lot of shit but if i take one yoga class a month it's a lot i do it when on my own like before shows i always do it yeah it helps me warm up stretch out i'll go with a friend relax my body i like green tea green tea and massages

no just green tea green tea okay cool does it it's kind of just energizing it's got some caffeine in i think but i don't think it's like as much as a cup of coffee or anything. I think it's less than that, but it's probably healthier for you. You know, it's the shit Yerba Mate.

You ever had that? Oh, this tastes bad. Yeah, you throw some honey in there. It's an interesting tea because it gives you a different kind of stimulant.

It's different than the caffeine sort of coffee stimulant. It's a little clearer, a little clearer headed. It's not as buzzy. It's not as fucking, yeah, let's go fucking start

a business. I've made some fucked up decisions high on coffee, you know, because coffee will get you motivated to do shit. I don't want to leave this room. Let's start a business. I fought in a tournament once when I was a kid. I was delivering newspapers and I was, I'd been injured and I wasn't

training and I decided the day of that I was going to fight in the tournament after I ate two donuts and drank a big cup of coffee and I was fucking wired. And I'm like, I want to go fight. And so I entered into this tournament just because of coffee. Totally. Yeah. I don't want to be in like really big tournament for me. It was a U.S. Open.

I drink a Red Bull before I go on stage. Yeah. U.S. Open. Yeah. No. Oh, I thought you were making a joke. It was a Taekw open i drink a red bull before i go on stage yeah u.s open yeah like tennis it was i would have never even fought if it wasn't for the coffee coffee just had me so convinced that it was a fun thing to do let's go fucking do this drink coffee i shouldn't be doing that well back then i was competing so it was it was really the only reason why i wasn't going to fight in the tournament is that i had an injury. But the injury, it kind of healed itself over the week that I had off. And just two fucking Boston cream donuts, which is like who knows how many insane grams of sugars in there.

And a giant thing of Dunkin' Donuts coffee, one of those big ones, like a 16-ouncer. Did you just crap your brains out afterward? Explosion. Your asshole just opens up. And the way it comes out, too, it's so easy. It just all comes out. You know what sucks? It's kind of on the same thing.

I did one of those things where you go to the bathroom before you get in the shower. You don't flush the toilet because you don't want the shower to change the water. I left it there. My cat has been drinking out of the toilet lately. Dude, shut the fuck up. Wait, can I tell you something? That doesn't do it. A lot of houses aren't made that way anymore.

What? A lot of apartments and stuff aren't rigged so that the plumbing doesn't affect them. Yeah, well, I'm not Fancy McFancer. No, my building's old. I'm just saying, like, that doesn't always happen. You might want to flush. No, no, like, when I flush,

it changes the water everywhere at my house. Isn't it perfect? The whole water. The water's freezing. How long does it stay freezing? Months? Like, 45 seconds, a minute. That's ridiculous. The whole water. The water's freezing. How long does it stay freezing? Months? I can't watch. Like 45 seconds.

That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. Oh, yeah. I live in an old-ass house. What kind of 1950s fucking engineering is that? I live in an old house. Can I get polio?

Yeah. Anyways, the cat got in it and I don't know what happened, but I came outside and there's just like paw shit everywhere. Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

And so then I didn't, you know, have anything to clean it up with except Windex and Pledge. It's so shiny. Pledge doesn't clean shit. Right. You just shine it up and poof.

It smells better, you know? It's shiny and lemony. And so I squirted on there. And the Windex actually cleaned a lot. But then the next day, I was just, like, looking at my floor and these little white dots everywhere on the floor.

You can see it looks like a cat ghost walked. Oh, disgusting. Disgusting. It's awful. Yeah, there's nothing quite like a turd that you forget about and then you come back to it the next day. You realize you have to flush it and it's just been sitting there stewing. Maybe you took a shit while you were on the phone and you didn't want the person to hear the flushing in the background. You didn't want the person to know you're a human?

I take so many dumps on the phone. That's why I take some of my best phone conversations. Have you ever had your girlfriend or wife or whatever, like two months ago, walked in and she forgot to flush and had one of those. Oh, Jesus. I'm looking at her. It was like a huge Joey Diaz shit. It's inevitable. It's inevitable.

I hate that. Why are we talking about poop? People drop logs, son. It's a part of life. I've never- That's what my daughter talks about. She calls it now. She's inevitable. I hate that. Why are we talking about poop? People drop logs, son. It's a part of life. I've never... That's what my daughter talks about. Calls it now. She's two and a half.

She calls it dropping logs. Oh, God. That's so funny. Because they keep telling her, did you drop a log? Did you drop a log in your potty? She's like, I'm dropping logs. I drop my log back and forth. I drop my log back and forth.

When kids find out what's funny and what makes you laugh, they just repeat it over and over again. So she has... Kind of like how comics... Yeah. Very similar. Yeah. Really the same thing it's fair is that a fucked up thing when someone goes to see you and you know they're going to see the same show like the next night i get weird about it yeah i almost want to be like as i'm telling the joke be like and you probably blanche come here as i'm saying it i want to stop and be like look i know you know what i'm

gonna say but if you could just be quiet for everyone else she'll sit on your lap yeah that's a the weird like i've talked to people before shows i go dude we love you I know you know what I'm going to say, but if you could just be quiet for everyone else, she'll sit on your lap. Hang it up here, Blanche. Yeah, that's the weird, like I've talked to people before shows, I go, dude, we love you so much. We'll come to see you every night that you have shows. Like, yikes. Would have got to open every show totally different and mix my material up and fuck, I can't tell the same jokes over and over again with the same timing.

It takes a long ass time of repeating a joke to get it effortless to the point where it looks like you're thinking it up on the moment. And when someone sees behind the curtain like that two nights in a row, it's weird. I've had people yell out a punchline before. Oh, that's brutal. I hate that. You get so nervous to take that pause that you need

for whatever your joke is just for timing's sake and then they're like, GOAT! Yeah, that's such a douchey move. The problem is with with youtube like your material gets online it takes like a long ass time to develop a joke yeah people don't know it starts off starts off as like it's something and funny in this there's something funny in this right i mean that's how i always started out like what the fuck is funny in this there's something funny in this and a lot of times i'll have a bunch of different ideas different ways to go that i've written out but but it takes a long ass time to figure out which way i'm gonna go with it i have to do it over and over and over again so for if someone gets a hold of it like in that

process and then puts it up on youtube and then everybody watches it and then they come to the show and they yell out your punchline yeah they just they just double triple fucked you and they but they they're not doing it to be dicks. They're so excited to be there. That's tough. Yeah, there's a lot of that. And there's some people that are just douchebags, and they fuck up everything they touch, and they just can't help it.

Some people are just so poisonous. That's the way they are, man. That's true. You can get some toxic people. I get people that come up to me after, and they'll reference a joke I did not 20 minutes earlier, and I take myself so serious sometimes, I won't realize that they're referencing it.

And I'll be like, I have a bit about that. They're like're like i know that's why i just talked about that i'm like oh right do you guys want a t-shirt that's funny you sell merch yeah what does your t-shirt say a bunch of them do you have any sexy ones you have like girl cut ones but i don't should do that dude to buy that do what like daisy duke back from the old dukes of hazard days oh yeah get a t-shirt with my face on it? Yeah, something. If you go to my Facebook page, you can see my album cover. It's not sexy, but there's makeup.

That does not look like you at all. You have glamour shots online. I saw some glamour shots. That's my album cover. Your album cover? It's like super, super, super glamour shot. I mean, it was supposed to be like an 80s glamour shot thing. Oh.

That's what exactly it looks like. No, that's not the one I'm talking about. Oh. Yeah, I like that. That's hilarious. I like like No that's not the one I'm talking about Yeah I like that That's hilarious I like that Is this your CD that's out right now? It's on iTunes The DVD's coming out shortly

And if you're anti-Apple where else can they get it? On my website Go to Eliza.com Do you actually sell it as a physical CD? I have them printed Isn't it crazy that those things still exist? Yeah, you know what I saw the other day? It's called a drop card. Do you know what this is? No.

My friend showed this to me. It's a card. You pay me for the CD, I give you this card, so you take it home and you download it with a code, so it's like a free download. It's like a gift card. Yeah, it's called a drop card. That's cool. That is cool. It's only a matter of time before solid state media just disappears, right?

Like actual physical media, like a physical DVD or a physical. Right. Most people don't buy CDs anyway. No, and I don't buy CDs anymore. I stopped. Everything on iTunes. I just buy them to use it to snort cocaine off. iTunes is so badass, dude.

You know what I love? When I'm in a fucking, like there was a song the other day, I couldn't figure out who it was. And so I put up that Shazam thing. Oh, I have that. Yeah. For folks who don't know, it's a program that lets you play. There's a music playing in the background. You press Shazam.

It listens to the music, sends the information out, tells you who sung the song, what the song's title is. And she has a link that you can buy it on iTunes right there. Oh, really? And you can play it. You can play it right there, too. You can play it. Just press play, and it's playing in your phone. It's fucking incredible.

It's the craziest thing ever. I've just been buying songs like that and just add them to my iPhone. Just, oh, I love this song. Bam. Is there a way on Apple, like on iTunes, like when I download music to work out, I always like to do like top 40, like what's on the radio. Is there a way you can search on iTunes like top 40 hip hop songs and it'll bring it up? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Probably. Yeah. Well, all you have to do is look at like the top 10 lists and stuff like that, you know? Like maybe like just in hip hop. I don't want like Billboard. I want. Absolutely. You're into hip hop?

What kind of hip hop? Do you like old shit like Gangstar? Gangstar. It depends. Any one hip wonder within the realm of hip-hop, R&B, or rap for the last 15 years, I know.

Right. I'm more of a radio person. I love the radio. Do you like D Antwoord? Have you ever heard of D Antwoord? Mm-mm. You haven't heard of D Antwoord? Oh, that's the best.

Oh, shit. Throw on the video, dude. The fucking... Oh, okay. What is that first video? No, no, no. The first video. The first video that launched them.

I'm a ninja? No, it's not I'm a ninja. The next one. Is it funny? Yeah, it's a trip. No, no, no. The first video. The first video that launched them. I'm a ninja? No, it's not I'm a ninja. The next one. Is it funny? Yeah, it's a trip. Yeah, it's awesome. Just like dirty. Was it Zeph side?

Zeph side. We always overdo this video, but it's so good. Yeah, put on the Zeph side one. She's got to see this shit. Yeah. Check this shit out. Go full screen. Is this going to be a guy shooting himself?

No. No, this is possible. He's going to erase that. No. No. Go full screen Granny and then I live with my mom and dad on the road and then your land he lives She's a nice Small and you decided to do this why just recent Makes you like he owns a computer. Okay. Okay makes like next-level beats and basically like I got some serious like Gangster skill, you know, you're right. Yeah. Are they being serious? Oh fuck you

Yeah, yo DJ hot deck drop the motherfucking beatbox dog Bring that next level shit ain't just a motherfucker ain't straining your brain like tv statics check out the funky 3d graphics into my digital zone this is how i shot a phone on my phone i'm sloping third eye strobing mind open sweat streaming flash clean feeling high energy speaking deep meaning freak when i see things like this chicken and g-string can i touch you friend come on is this the trippiest you've ever seen in your life? It's pretty awesome. These guys are the shit.

The person that made the video knows what the fuck they're doing. Oh, fuck yeah, they do. It's so odd. This has to be a joke. No, it's not a joke. They're a badass band. I met them at Kimmel. They were on the Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Yeah, they're a badass band. Oh, this is good, she says. This is like some hipster shit. Oh, no. Are you kidding? I love them They're fucking badass They have a bunch of badass songs

Yeah It's a tough accent What kind of rap do you like? You like all the top 40 shit? What do you like? I just like Whatever's on a hip hop station right now I know

Wow I just like rap and hip hop Oh okay Whatever's on I can choose six I only know radio edits of songs If there's a curse word I don't know it

What? That's the only kind of music You't know it because I don't listen to the radio. That's the only kind of music you listen to, really? I'm in the car a lot. You see, that's an excuse. In the car, you can only get top 40. You never know who's listening. And on my iPod, I don't like listening to it unless I'm working out, so I only like fast songs I can work out to.

Like Girl Talk or something. I don't know. Girl Talk's good. I've been hearing a lot of people Girl Talk's good. Yeah. I've been hearing a lot of people saying that podcasts is the best

for working out nowadays because it's like you're not getting lost in music and bored. I gotta do that because I always stop and take it out

and switch it if it's a bad song that ruins your workout. I get a lot of Twitter messages from dudes who listen to us when they're doing workouts

and driving too. A lot of driving people. See, I cannot listen to music. I couldn't listen to someone talk they're doing workouts. And driving, too. A lot of driving people. See, I cannot listen to music. I couldn't listen to someone talk. Really? I've listened to a bunch of lectures. And I've listened to a few podcasts, too. I listened to a cool Graham Hancock podcast recently.

I was listening to that while I was driving around. I couldn't be able to focus over the sound of my heart bursting out of my chest while I run. So you can only listen to music, is that what you're saying? Yeah, you've got to get something to get you going. Yeah, I see what you're saying. When you're working out, yeah. You know what else works? I found this out two days ago.

I was at the gym, and they have the TVs attached to the treadmill. They were on, like, the Nature Channel, and I was watching a cheetah run down a gazelle. And they slowed it down, and I got so into it because you don't know what's going to happen. And I found myself going faster watching this cheetah. And it was super animalistic. And he got him in the end.

And I was happy for him. I felt bad for the antelope. Well, you know what? That antelope had to die eventually. He had to. It's not like he's going to live forever and cure cancer. You don't know that. I know.

Those antelopes, they never do shit. They just eat. They're on welfare. They eat and poop. That's all they do. Nothing gets done in the antelope world Just running around running from cheetahs All they do is just run

It was a rush Did you see that video that someone put online Of African hunters Recent within the last 50-60 years I believe it was a video from the 60's Of hunting with spears Hunting elephants and hippos with spears Dude It is a fucking trip hunting with spears. Hunting elephants and hippos with spears. Oh. Dude, it is

a fucking trip. I don't want to see it. You know they're giant pigs? I did not know that. Yeah. Hippos are in the pig family. They're giant fucking mean pigs that eat people.

Are they Maasai warriors that the video is of? I don't know what the name of the warriors are. Were they in red? No, they were wearing clothes. They were wearing

like t-shirts and shit. It's because we gave them to them. Probably, yeah. Yeah, we gave them to them in exchange for filming

them fucking up these hippos. Ocean Pacific. If you want to find it, go to twitter.com slash Joe Rogan. This thing was recorded on January 4th,

and so I'm pretty sure i put it up on january 3rd you should you should check it out because it's a trip it's it's so hard to watch it's it's really freaky because they they it takes a long ass time to kill an elephant with spears sure that sounds off yeah and they all like they all work together like the whole tribe will work together to take down these animals so they have like you know literally thousands of people circling these animals. When they're choking them off, they make this big circle, and then they force the animals into the center,

and then they spear them to death. I guess they got to eat. They got to eat. There's no other way to do it. Yeah. They have no options. Let me just go to the store. Right.

Don't they just evolve? Why don't you have electricity yet? You're so stupid. It's amazing that they really are still living the way they lived thousands of years ago i went to africa i've been a couple times and we went on a safari and you get to like hang out with the masai warriors and like see how they live and like obviously you pay them and they give you a tour and a little bit of it's fake but there's like sanctions like in the serengeti they can't go around killing like lions and stuff so they have to eat like normal like they can't do it like you have to be a super rural tribe to do that like a lot of them even though they live in that land they're

not allowed to kill the animals so the ones that are super rural they are allowed to there's no there's no one like regulating that but like closer to like where like the capitals or wherever we were where more tourists go wow they're not allowed to there's a great story not a great story but a fascinating a terrible story okay it's terrible story there but a fascinating, a terrible story, okay? It's terrible. There was a guy who was on safari, and he was in a shower, and two lions came in and killed him and dragged him out of the shower. Wow. That is terrible.

Could you fucking imagine taking a shower? You know what, man? He's on some safari, on a hunting safari, by the way. You saw that movie Hangover. The lion's new. That movie Hangover, when he walked into the, there was a tiger in the bathroom. Yeah, it's totally the same thing, Brian. Totally the same thing.

What you do is you just say, hey, what are you doing there? Yeah, and then you go, you got to be real calm about it. Hey, what are you doing there? What are you doing there? Yeah, that guy, that was a guy that's seen a lot of bears. That's so funny. That was me. You would see dripping from the piss coming out of my ankles long before the fucking bear got to where he was.

I would be raining. I would be peeing on that bear's head. Joe, have you seen these helmets that these motorcycle guys wear nowadays? Like, my friend, he took off his helmet, and it had, like, this big glass part over it, and he would just put it up. And then he had, like, this sunglass thing that just goes, you know, comes down. He opens that up, and he's just blaring his iphone music and i'm like what is that the whole thing is like a bluetooth stereo cone like he says he puts it on god then what happens if he can't hear fucking anything it's like he's like it's like being in tron he's like you're just that guy's

crazy that's a helmet yeah it's a. He's cutting out one of his senses. That's a whole body. I took a photo of it last night. Because it's illegal to have your earphones on in your car. Right. So I can't believe that would be legal. Well, it doesn't make any sense because first of all, you have to wear a seatbelt. But fucking motorcycles don't have a seatbelt.

It's impossible. They should. They should. Why? That's the worst thing that could happen if you get stuck on the bike is that things are rolling and tumbling. Is it worse? Fuck yeah.

It's better if you can slide. If you can lay the bike down and you just skid. If you have the right clothing on. If you know how to ride a bike. Maybe like a sea-doo. It could be tethered to you so you don't lose it. Well, you just don't want to get run over by your own bike and pinned underneath it. Smashed and have it fall on top of you a bunch of times.

Over and over. Yeah. Down a hill. Motorcycle accents are some scary shit, man. It's like Tron. That's insane. You see the Bluetooth thing that answer calls, turn up the volume. Oh, my God, that's so insane.

Just take your hand off the fucking motorcycle handles and press this stupid button, fiddle with it on the side of your head. Guarantee you someone's going to die because they're trying to make a call on this fucking piece of shit. Oh, my god. That's a horrible idea. It's ridiculous. People are crazy motherfuckers.

That has to be a trip though. Going like 120 miles an hour while you're blaring Led Zeppelin in your helmet. You're right. If you survive it must be the shit. You've got to be a reckless motherfucker to want to do that. That only appeals to people with toxoplasma. That's like 100% toxoplasma activity.

What's that? That's that cat parasite thing. Oh, okay. You ever heard of this? Uh-uh. We talk about it way too much in the podcast. I apologize, everybody who has to hear this again. But there's a crazy cat parasite that affects human beings and makes them more

reckless. It makes them reckless. It makes the women more sexually promiscuous. It makes them more plain. You get it from cats. How do you get it? People get it from touching cat feces or being around fields where cats and something happens and they touch the cat feces

in a field. Can she get it from eating cat feces? Yes, she can get it. Yeah, definitely. Especially a cat that shits outside. Those are the cats that are dangerous. And this is what happens. A rat gets it, and it affects the rat. And what it makes the rat do is it makes the rat sexually attracted to the smell of cat piss.

So the rats start following where the cats live and, like, want to be around the cats so that it could easily get killed. And then they would transfer it to the cat. And then the cats transfer it to people. It's like a suicide bomber. Yeah, and people transfer it back to rats. Do people take it for recreation? No. They will.

It's impossible to cure it. That's not what I suggest they will do. It's impossible to cure. Oh, it's in you forever. Yes, but here's where it gets crazy. You become a huge whore. Well, for women, it makes you do that. And for men, it makes you much more aggressive and reckless.

And they say it slows your reaction time down, too. So it's just like a bunch of juice heads and hookers. So it's like a Miami nightclub. It's like Brazil. Brazil is 66% infected with toxoplasma. Very good looking. Like literally, yeah. Love to fuck and love to fight.

They were doing that anyway. It literally defines the culture. I don't know if they were doing that anyway. This is a thing that's been around for a long, long time. That means every Latin culture. Yeah. That means all Italians. Well, that's one of the things.

It's connected to places where people have a lot of wild cats. Wow. Yeah. It's directly connected. And it is an incurable parasite that changes human behavior. And it's a fact. It's not a conspiracy theory. This is a legitimate mainstream fact.

Here's my problem with it. It's so strange. I know people that don't have that, that act that way. You might have it. But their parents might have. So it could be a learned behavior after people that have it. There's a lot of factors and douchebaggery. It's a good question.

I don't know. I don't know if you could pass it to your kids. I think somehow or another they would have to get cat shit. If you wanted your kid to make the football team. Well, I don't know if it works that way. If you wanted your kid to make the football team. Well, I don't know if it works that way, but one of the things they found out in men was that there was a disproportionate amount of people,

like when they had soccer teams that would compete in the World Cup, the teams that made it to the finals all had high rates of toxoplasma in their countries. And they think that the recklessness of this bacteria, like what it does it makes you like disregard like uh your safety and do reckless shit like a disproportionate number of people who crash it on motorcycles are infected with toxoplasma and so they they connect it to they connected it to successful soccer teams and there's like a real debate about this that it may

be one of the reasons why these teams are so successful at soccer they're so aggressive and crazy is because they're infected by toxoplasma. Because a lot of athletes from Brazil, a lot of athletes from a lot of South American countries. I mean, poor area would have a lot of, even in the South. 50 million Americans are infected with it. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It's like herpes.

It's like an alien. It's like an alien that's rewiring our brains. That's awesome. It's fucking crazy. Toxoplasma. Pretty soon we're going to start making pyramids watch. That's what it is. It's like an alien that's rewiring our brains. That's awesome. It's fucking crazy. Toxoplasm. Pretty soon we're going to start making pyramids. Watch. That's what it is.

It was like some kind of thing that gets you all. Well, if there's a new parasite. I mean, parasites evolve, right? If you believe in evolution, you believe they weren't exactly this way the whole time. They became what they are now. Everything became what it is now. It evolved from something to something else. Some new parasite that evolves.

I mean, HIV, right? Remember when AIDS came around? There was something that came and there was some new shit. It used to be fun. Yeah. You hear about that guy that got cured with AIDS? He used stem cells. They used stem cells and they cured his HIV.

It disappeared. Where? Where? Jamba Juice. At Jamba Juice they did it? They did a live demonstration. Who is he? And how come this isn't in the news?

It is. Yeah, it isn't in the news. When did it happen? It's really recent. Like a month ago? Yeah. Three weeks ago? Yeah, he's actually been cured of HIV.

Did he pay for this treatment? I don't know. I don't know the details on it, but it's pretty much been accepted that they figured out how to cure it. You've been slacking on your AIDS research. Somebody told me recently there's a cure for cancer, and it's in Mexico at a clinic. Yeah. I don't buy that.

They give you weed. Yeah, you just, you know. What is it? Yeah, there's some things that they're willing to do in Mexico that probably work. There's a lot of people that have said that blood transfusions, like full blood transfusions and other treatments they do to blood. There's a bunch of different treatments that they're willing to do in Mexico.

I think I'd be willing to die before I'd be willing to let a Mexican doctor with no sterilization put a needle in me. I know dudes who've gone to Mexico for surgery. And came back as women. MMA fighters. No, MMA fighters, they're cheap. Are you friends with a bunch of MMA fighters? Like, I know that's your thing.

I'm friends with some of them, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, a lot of them are cool. Do you guys get together on, like, train? Yeah, train, yeah. How do they feel about getting hit in the face so much well um the smart ones know that it's just uh you gotta limit the amount of times you get hit it's very important to use defense first and be very smart about what but you know they also know that there's some fights where you just get nailed you know it's just

nothing you can do about it i think you were talking about about football earlier i mean i don't think like octagon fightingagon fighting and all that stuff has been around or as popular as long as football, so are they going to be the same as football players? Are they going to end up with Garek's disease? Depends on their style. Depends on when they get out. Depends on how much punishment they take at the end of their

career, because the end of the career is where guys get really beat up. That's what happened with Muhammad Ali. Happens with a lot of fighters. Their reaction time slows. They don't know when to get out of the game. And then they take some fights that they probably shouldn't take. And then they get some serious injuries. And they don't know when to quit.

And they keep going. Those are the guys that wind up in real big trouble, in my opinion. But is it Lou Gehrig's disease? Isn't that something that's innate and it just triggers later? No. Lou Gehrig's disease can be triggered later. It can be something that just happens to you. but it also can be trauma-induced. Okay.

So it can be, you know, there's a bunch of different ways. Like Stephen Hawking has Lou Gehrig's disease. Right. I don't think that he was, he might have been, he might have played soccer or something like that. Who knows? He was a huge MMA fighter before he found the books. Before he found, yeah, all that studying. found the books before he found yeah all that study in them but um what happens is when guys get a lot of repeated brain injuries their their brains start producing like defective proteins

and they they're they're literally their body just like eventually just shuts down just stops working it starts like misfiring left and right it gets it gets just really really creepy how come when i watch mma fighting they look like they take breaks simultaneously like when they're like in those headlock it looks like they're almost taking a rest is that like a code like i'm gonna take a two second breather right now youtube don't hit me while i'm doing this well if you're tired and you sense that the other guy's tired and he's not moving you might do that you might take a little break then wouldn't it as a as a killer wouldn't it be like that was when we go not hug yes but you might be willing to forego that just for a couple seconds of recovery if you think you're going to make another big explosion.

You've got something timed out. You're like, all right, there's a minute and a half left in this round. I'm taking this motherfucker down. But right now, I'm going to take a little break. A little break. Do they ever talk to each other? Sometimes they talk shit. I'm so hungry.

Oh. Sometimes, one time, the weirdest one was this dude war machine was fighting this guy jay rock and uh jay rock and war machine became really good friends on the ultimate fighter and then they had to fight each other i mean really good friends and it was a fucking war a bloody horrible war where they were talking to each other while i was going like fuck man that fucking hurt like yeah sorry dude like saying shit like that while they're fighting it was really crazy and it's a mind fuck and yeah and then at the like saying shit like that while they're fighting it was really crazy and it's a mind fuck and yeah and then at the end when it was all over they were super

emotional and crying and hugging each other it was it was hockey players they fight each other i mean i guess i don't think it's like this not like 15 fucking minutes of beating the shit out of each other it is not the same thing those hockey fights they can't get that traction you know and it was a it was a vicious fight and it ended with a brutal tko and it's like crazy like it was all it was so charged with emotion yeah you know and then when he when i interviewed him after the fight was over he was crying and talking about how hard it was and what they were saying to each other why they were in there and i was like whoa that's got oh yeah that's crazy you know especially if it was like a thousand years ago you had to kill him yeah right yeah

that's what happened right that's what they used to make them do. Those fucking Roman cunts. It's us 500 years from now. The new Rome. I think America's just like Rome. It's crazy. Same decline. Sort of.

Same build up, same decline. Lap bands. That was the beginning of the end. The lap band? You fucking fat cunt. Stop eating. Just get your shit together. You have to be 50 pounds overweight. Do you think they'd give it to you if you were like you want to lose 10 pounds

no i thought about that i've got like some problem areas and i was like maybe i should get the lap band like a small one you will guarantee you're not the first person to think this just a little bit did a lot of girls will actually i would not get to talk about that though it's just jokes i know no no but girls do talk about that dated girls that actually talk about that shit all the time. I'm going to go in and get this suction. There's a girl that I dated a long time ago whose best friend got the lipo. She did not need the lipo.

She just needed to work out a little bit. The girl just didn't work out at all. She got ruined, man. They lumpied her up. I could be wrong about this. Don't you have no control over where they do it? I could be wrong about this. Don't you kind of have no control over where? Look at that motion that you made, how they do it. They do it with the...

You have no control over where your fat cells grow back. I don't know. So you're kind of replacing one problem here with another. Yeah. So you could get huge fat arms. Or no butt. You could have no butt. Or a huge butt. Or a huge butt, right. Like a spider butt. You know spiders have huge...

Yeah, don't let them do that. Don't let them suck fat out of you people. If you're willing to turn to that, I can understand if you're older and it's a serious problem and you've been struggling all your life, but if you're some 21-year-old girl that works at Hooters, just hit the gym for an hour. I was watching this thing online about these two French brothers

who are twins who became plastic surgery junkies and they're deformed now. Have you seen those guys? Can we see a picture? Yeah, pull it up, Brian. French famous twins, plastic surgery nightmare. Go very waffle. Just right.

French famous twins, plastic surgery nightmare. They were stars of some television show, I guess back in the 80s or so, and now they're like 50, and they look like monsters. They look like monsters. Like these poor guys. They've got some sort of a psychological defect. Shouldn't there be a quota? They're kind of like the cat people.

Yeah, that woman. Exactly. They have all sorts of facial implants. And they have all sorts of fillers in their face. And their heads are deformed. It's so uber bizarre. And that's what they used to look like. Oh, they looked fine before. He's weird looking.

Yeah, he's a little weird looking, but not like he is now. Looks like that mask from Scream. Exactly. Yeah. It looks like the kid from Mask, that movie Mask. They both have pouty lips before and after. You know what? It's not that, given how they looked before. It's like that. Given how they looked before.

Yeah. It's like that Beverly Hills show, too. That one bitch that has the crazy lip. It's like, you know. The housewives? Yeah. She's a very large mouth anyway, though. Yeah, but she's got crafty shit going on with her lips.

Somebody should have told her, like, hey, hey, you know. It doesn't make you look any better. I don't think anyone intends for it to look like that, though. Really? The problem, I think, when you do that is your face has, whether you're symmetrical or not, your face has a certain symmetry to it. Anything you do to any part of it, you have to balance out the rest. And the more you try to balance it, the worse it gets. Well, there's a mathematical principle to it.

It's called the Fibonacci. Fibonacci sequence. Yeah. And that works on faces. So when someone gets a nose job, you're like, what the fuck is going on with your head? Yeah. It looks awful. Your nose is supposed to be this big this is the way you know there's a grand design for it makes more sense that way there's that one show i don't i can't watch it because it upsets me bridalplasty oh i haven't seen it it's addicting you'll like it what is it

explain it to me they go through they go through challenges they each girl is engaged and i don't know who's marrying these crazy people i don't know who would but each girl is engaged. I don't know who's marrying these crazy people. I don't know who would, but each girl is engaged and they do different challenges in order to win plastic surgery procedures all leading up to your big day. You can win bouquets. You can win nose jobs, lipo, whatever you want. Basically,

her husband's marrying a crazy doll that looks nothing like him. Oh my god. Remember that show on Fox where they used to work them? The Swan. Yes. Oh, my God. Remember that show on Fox where they used to work them? The Swan. Yes. Oh, my God.

That was insane. But those people were really awful looking. Yeah, they were, but, I mean, fuck. You're getting them on a slippery slope. With some people,

there was good shit, like they fixed their teeth. You don't get to be manager at the AT&T store if you don't look your best. Really? When you look good, you get to be manager?

That's when it happens. That's when it goes down. If you're at the AT&T store how do you explain to people that the iPhone just fucking drops off everywhere? What would you say? What would I say? If you were working at the AT&T store. Hmm.

Well, I have no idea. I never really thought about it. I would probably say it's, I mean they're all, I don't know. We're adding towers all the time. Why are you asking me this? We're adding towers all the time. If you went to the AT&T store and there was like a sexy woman that was talking to you and telling you and trying to calm you down from the issue, do you think you'd be more likely to just let it go?

I don't know. Do you think you would get smitten? I think you would. I think people would. Eliza's like laughing. Yep. If the guy were hot, I'd be like, yeah, I don't want you to think I'm crazy. I think you would. I think people would. Eliza's like laughing. Yep. If a guy were hot I'd be like yeah

I don't want you to think I'm crazy. Really? You would do that? So if there was like some fucking handsome Clark Kent looking motherfucker

you would be more willing to listen to their corporate bullshit about why your phone keeps dropping off. I'd let him beat me if he were hot enough. Really?

Just a light beating. Choking. Just a light a light throttling. Half throttle. Yeah. Let's play a game called fake rape. Some girls like that.

I'm just now thinking about rape. That's what most Law & Order SVU episodes are about. There's a guy in Oklahoma that got arrested recently because he shot his wife or his girlfriend. And it was some sort of a sex thing where he would hold the gun up to her head while he was banging her. Oh, and it accidentally went off because he thought it was blanks?

No, because he accidentally shot her in the head. Maybe she said something stupid and he just came. Bang! Fuck you! That's a tough case. And then he called the cops and said it was a mistake. Again, this man is stupid and there's no place for him in society. If you're willing to put a loaded gun to someone's head while you have sex with them, what's he going to do?

Don't knock it to your track, girl. Yeah, you never know. Some people are into gangster shit. Do that while Scarface is playing in the background. Damn. Some people like to live on the edge, you know? I mean, does he go to jail for that? It was an accident.

Yeah, he goes to jail for being retarded. has to go to jail that's where he belongs yeah you shoot somebody in the head you gotta go to jail yeah there's not many circumstances where it's okay well yeah totally if they could prove that he came after he shot her then he definitely goes to jail they can yeah they can yeah no they can't carbon dating of semen carbon tasting there's a semen taster. It's a horrible job, but it has great benefits. This load was shot into a dead man. A lot of pineapple.

A guy bends down on his knees. He's touching his fingers to it. No one's talking. They're waiting for the results. Gross. Gross. He was a dead guy. He was dead.

He was dead when the guy Ejaculated into him Was that cat poop disease? Toxoplasma Taste it Would have been funny If I could have thought of The name of the disease Versus asking you

Acting out Tasting semen Be careful with your dog I'm telling you Don't let him get that toxoplasma She doesn't go outside To eat poop Or her rather

She doesn't She goes outside Just make sure she's not Around other people's cats that go outside. No. Yeah, no. Actually, you know what? What? She is, now that I think about it.

Not good. Where? In the garage. Don't tell me what part of the country is it, but are there rats there? Here? Here. Are there rats in your neighborhood? No rats.

No. No, I got rats. Oh, but there are cats. Maybe they took care of the rats. Maybe the rats are there. I live in Belarus. There's rats everywhere, not just Belarus. What's going to happen to her?

She's probably going to start fucking you in your sleep. No. Does she look like she's capable of any sexual desire? Well, she's more of an affection, love, hug kind of dog. Once in a great while, if I don't let her out to pee, she'll get excited and start to hump my arm. Really? Let me out now. Oh, does it don't let her out to pee, she'll get excited and start to hump my arm. Really? Let me out now. Oh, does it tell you that she has to pee?

Once a month if I really push it and don't let her out because I'm doing something. How strange. She does it to like, she gets so excited and worked up and then she'll just be like. How do you work out when you go on the road with her? I don't work out on the road. No, no, that's not what I mean.

How do you work it out? Like when you go on the road, you take her with you? I got her because I was on the road. No, no, that's not what I mean. Oh. How do you work it out? Like when you go on the road, you take her with you? I bring her. I got her because I was on the road so much. I was like, I need something. I need companions. So I got her. And she is just.

And she travels with you. On a plane, she's like this. She's silent. That's awesome. And she sits in the green room and I bring her on stage. I wouldn't travel with animals. You bring her on stage? For the one bit.

No, you bring her on stage. One bit that I do. Oh, that's awesome. And then she sits in the green room with the other comics. Oh, that's cool. And she's a really good green with the other comics. Oh, that's cool. And she's a really good girl. That's nice. You got a cool little friend.

I really lucked out because she could have been crazy. And when you bring her on a plane, you just put her in between your seat? Is that how you do it? I put her where my feet go. What if people are allergic to dogs and they're around you? Fuck them. Fuck them, she says. I pay for her.

Sometimes I sneak her on. But for the most part, I pay for her. And if you're allergic, you'll sit somewhere else. How could you sneak her on? My bag that I have for her looks like a duffel bag. It's got a mesh side, like she can breathe. I'll throw my coat over and just walk on. The people that check your ticket are not the same

as the people at security, nor are they the same people at the gate. I figure that out. So you just walk on. They don't even know. So if you don't do that, then what do you have to do? Pay $100. Or $100. It depends. $150. They're under your scheme, Eliza. It's a great scheme.

When I moved out here, I had to move my cats out, and they lost my cats for like two hours. They didn't let me have it with me. I had to put it into like the below. Under the thing? Yeah, under the thing. I would never do that ever again. And then I was thinking about traveling with or bringing my dog to Ohio when I went back. Then I was thinking about traveling with or bringing my dog to Ohio when I went back.

And besides it being so expensive, the vet told me that it's really bad for the dogs, the air pressure. Under the thing. Under or in the cabin with you? Under the thing. I bet. Yeah? I bet it's cold, too. Yeah. Yeah, I bet it's cold.

It's even cold on the floor where she goes. I put a little blanket on. It's probably really cold down there. I take a breath. There's that creepy feeling when you get close to the window and you realize how cold it is out there. Yeah. there. There's that creepy feeling when you get close to the window and you realize how cold it is out there. Coming back from Canada was a trip because we were almost stranded. We came so close to being stranded. The snow was just starting to start. A blizzard was

hitting. This was recently? Yeah. And if we had been an hour later, we would have been stuck in Canada for days. In Saskatoon. No, this was a different one. This was a recent one. Where were you? Montreal. I love Montreal.

It's a beautiful city. Canada itself is an amazing country. It's gorgeous. And Canadians are really nice. The nicest fucking people ever. They get a lot of crap from Americans. I dated a Canadian recently. This is why I have all this to say.

They're very nice and super masculine. Not faggy at all. Nice. So Canadians out there, just want to let you know. Oh, no, we're done. I'm just saying. No more. We're done with Canadian.

What happened? But he's just giving you a thumbs up on your product. Thumbs up. I think it's always easy to make fun of Canada, but great country, nice people, very friendly. Yeah, but it's not easy to make fun of Canada. It's easy to make fun of how fucking cold it is in some spots, but as far as the people there, some of the nicest fucking people ever. And they live above

this country filled with homicidal maniacs. They live above Michigan. How about that? That's like living above Mexico. Do you see those photos of Michigan? Was it you that posted it? That shit's scary. Decline of Michigan in photos.

It's on Joe's Twitter. Amazing photo. Somebody tweeted it. I retweeted it. It's all these photos of ancient buildings that have been around Michigan since the 1700s and 1800s all falling apart and abandoned now because the economy has fallen apart. Abandoned library filled

with books. Abandoned police station. Police headquarter with all the photos. Is this near Detroit or just Michigan in general? I think it was all Detroit. Detroit is like a ghost town. I was actually in Upper Michigan recently. Second time in a year. I'm not bragging.

You don't give a fuck. You just travel up to Northern Michigan. It's such another world up there. If you took a picture and took out the cars, you wouldn't be able to tell me what decade it was. Yeah, I agree. I went to tell me what decade it was. Yeah, I agree. I went to Olivet once.

I did a college in Olivet, Michigan. You know where Olivet is? It's in the middle of nowhere. They gave me terrible directions to drive there. There was no GPS back then. This was back in the golden days of comedy. And I had to drive to this fucking college and stand on top of two. They were like cafeteria tables tables that was the stand and one of them had a mic on one end and uh a speaker on the other end and there was another

speaker that was on the other table and i can go back and forth in between the two tables if i paid attention if i didn't step on a crack and punch through i'm not kidding it was the fucking most ridiculous thing ever and then uh there's no opening act, of course. It's just me. So I go on stage and immediately start getting heckled. And they're all football players. It's a football college. So it's like all these animals.

Well, I start to give these guys shit. They're like, it was good natured heckling. But there's a lot of faggot talk and stuff like that. So I go to the guy. Whatever I said, I made fun of him. And the guy who ran the college came up, whatever I said, I, you know, I made fun of him. And the guy who ran the college came up to me and said, I just want to let you know, we are not allowing swears. You're not allowed to swear. I'm under attack.

And I was like, this is ridiculous. These guys are allowed to swear. You fucking faggot. You're unarmed, yeah. They're allowed to yell at you fucking faggot at me. And so then I turned it around and said something about, you know, you guys are old enough to go to war. You're old enough to die for your country, right? But this guy right here says that I can't swear in front of you.

Right. There's some honor that you can't handle. And then they go, fuck him. Fuck this guy. And then it gets fucking crazy. And I was joking around, but I go, let's fucking trash this place. And a bunch of dudes screamed. And one dude stood up and picked up a chair.

And then the guy came up to the table and he goes, listen, listen, listen. Do whatever you want. We'll deal with the consequences later. You perform your normal act as you normally do. And I'm like, oh, see, I can swear now. We can swear. Calm down, everybody. Calm down.

Wow. But they were, like, ready to fight. They were ready to go crazy. Were you kidding, or did you really want to say that? I was half kidding, but I was, like, really instigating. That's amazing. I was really instigating because, you know, they were bored and they were in the middle of nowhere and this guy was annoying as fuck.

And I was going, look, you know, I just came here to entertain you guys and have a comedy show. Didn't they know what your act was about? That's so stupid. That was the thing.

They used to sell you, they'll sell you to anyone. Yeah. This is like Barry Katz's agency. It was New York Entertainment and they would just fucking sell you, whoever they could sell you to. Without a second.

Any colleges, they would just sell you to. And then they would deal with it once you get there. And I did a NACA show and they got to see that I was dirty. And everybody had, you know, they said, well, if you do NACA and they know that you're dirty, then it'll limit the amount of colleges that you go to. But I was like, I can't make a fake second act, you know, and just to do it, to do colleges.

So they knew I was dirty. So somehow or another I got sold to this college that didn't know. But they were the most savage of all the colleges I've ever done ever and they didn't want me swearing it's just the one guy it's not the college

I think it was it was their policy because they had all these fucking animals living in the middle of Michigan and they wanted to keep them calm

keep them calm no need for swears I did so many colleges last year and the thing about colleges is like if comedy club you can go

you can ask your friends what the stage is like. Some colleges, you have no clue what it's going to be like. You don't know if you're going to be in a theater, an amphitheater, outside, in the parking lot, a cafeteria. You don't know. And you get there and you just hope it's going to be decent. Yeah, I did a college recently in Canada. It was weird.

I hadn't done one in a long time. And it was, like, adults and college kids mixing together. It's always weird when they, like, come wandering in. Yeah. From the community. Yeah, you can be 18 or, you know, you can, you know, 18 and above. It's always weird when they come wandering in from the community. Yeah, you could be 18 or above. It was fine. But it's very strange because a lot of college people,

you forget when you're 30 years old or you're 40 years old or whatever. If you lived all this life, these kids haven't lived at all. It's tricky because you can't talk about dating as you would normally or jobs or sex because they don't know that yet. Some do, but you're dealing with a huge percentage that don't. I mean, there's hip kids in every level of high school and every level of college that would make great audience members in any comedy club. There's kids that are 14 that get it. Such a small percentage.

Yes, you're right. Such a small percentage. But in college, man, you'd be surprised that the number from 14 to college is not that different. There are a lot of them the same. They're like little kids. Yeah. Some of them are hip. Some of them know what's going on in the world.

Some of them, you know, know. But another thing they like to do at college is they like to go PC on you and fucking point out when you're being racist or point out when you're being sexist. Because that's what they've been taught. You know what? I think they're smarter. I enjoy college shows because it gives me a chance. You're not placating joe public these are kids that are very close to the realm of academia that will get a reference that will get something about school or right and they they're so close or they remember it right and

it's a nice exercise yeah i think it's because it's easy to get a cry if you're in the middle of nowhere and you get a bunch of like i don't i'm trying not to offend anyone but like normal guys that this is like this is they're doing it on Friday night. They're going to get drunk, see the comedian, and go fuck. It's a little bit easier. It's a cakewalk. Well, they're trying to have fun, too. Just trying to have a good time. There's something to be said for that. I know a lot of idiots that are a lot of fun

to hang out with, and they don't want to think about the world and fucking WikiLeaks, but you know, we have a Jack and Coke with them. We get a couple pounds in. Give each other a few high Coke with them. We get a couple pounds in. Oh, it's winky. Give each other a few high fives, and they're a good company. You know, there's a lot of people that aren't very deep thinkers that I enjoy hanging around with.

But I know what you're saying. Here's a wedding ring. Brian, shut the fuck up. Don't get it. He's a mess. How dare you? It's a wedding ring. He's making a wedding ring out of the cord. No, I get it. But why a mess. How dare you? It's a wedding ring. He's making a wedding ring out of the cord. No, I get it.

But why? Because he's just Brian. That's what he does. He's playing off what you were just talking about. And I was acting like I was a dummy. Oh, so marriage. Have you ever seen The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? Uh-uh.

It's a must-see. Is it a show? I will give you a copy of the DVD as you leave. Is it a movie? It is a documentary on this family that lives in West Virginia. It is one of the craziest fucking things you've ever seen in your life. This wild family that just snorts Oxycontins and goes in and out of jail. I would love to.

I have to watch that. Oh, you have to. I have to skip everything I'm doing tonight and watch that. Fabulous. It's fabulous. They are. And don't skip the behind-the-scenes interviews, too. Because the long, in-depth interviews with each of the people that they do the show with

are fucking fabulous as well can I put on my iPod and listen to it while I work out fuck yeah I'm sure you can buy it on iTunes and listen to it on iPod I guarantee you it's just genius though man this family is just completely totally insane and they live in West Virginia they're just like ancestors after ancestors

generation after generation of fucking criminals just fucking each other. Just criminals. Just straight criminals. I mean, they're just crazy. And they're all famous in that town for being nuts. For being nuts? Yeah, so they interview all different sheriffs

and all these different townsfolk and all these different people that know them, and they all say the same thing. These people are just crazy and wild and good for nothing, and none of them are going to amount to nothing. This one old lady, she goes, they go, what do you want to happen when you die? She goes, when I die, fucking, I want you to blow weed, smoke in my face, and snort pills off my head. Let's have a fucking party.

It's uncomfortable when old people talk that way. I don't know, know man it's pretty fucking awesome i wanted to hang out with her i wanted to go drinking with her that's not that's all i thought of when she said that when she said how you gonna die i don't want to boast weed smoking yes snort pills off my head i'm like i want to fucking hang out with this lady do you ever see that that awful ma's roadhouse it's like a terrible fake reality show. But the grandma's like that. It's this horrible fake reality show called Ma's Roadhouse

on like TLC or something. No, it's better. It's on TruTV. What is TruTV? It's a network that sounds like it's real but everything on it is like a fake reality show. But everything is so shitty on there. It's like this bar in Dallas but the mom, she talks like this. I don't give a on there. It's like this bar in Dallas but the mom,

she talks like this. I don't give a fuck. And she's like this old lady and it's scripted but she's still like that. It's kind of gross. All those scripted

reality shows, they're fucking up, man. You just need to follow those people like they did with this show. With the whites of

West Virginia, there's no scripted reality, man. They just followed them for a year. And in a year, they got just gold, gold, gold.

It would be great if they all died at the end. No, you want to keep them alive and come up with a part two. For a sequel and make it 3D. Yeah, 3D, what would happen? 3D rednecks. How would they use it? Throw me my skull over here. Cherry flavor.

You've got to watch. It's pretty fucking fabulous. I'll watch. I would love a copy of that. Johnny Knoxville produced it. Apparently he found out about it and had to be a part of this. He just had to let people know. I saw him the other day.

Did you really? At Brendan Canyon. What did you think? Did you think, whoa, Johnny. I didn't want to say anything to him. Did you think he wanted him inside you? No, he didn't look healthy. Really? I can't imagine someone that does that for a living would look healthy. That dude got fucked up by that bull. Did you see that shit? Yeah. That is ridiculous. I can't believe he did

that. He's so crazy. Yeah. They're all crazy Yeah. That is ridiculous. I can't believe he did that. He had a... So crazy. Yeah, he's crazy. They're all crazy. They're so crazy. So crazy. You easily could have died from that. From anything they do. Yeah.

The bull though? Fucking A, man. Yeah. A bull? You got a bull hit you when you got your goddamn blindfold on? Shit, man. You're a movie star. Do you know you're a movie star?

I know you want to be legit, but fuck, man. I mean, how many bones has he broken in his entire course of doing that show? I look for drunk when they do it. Would that help? Like, in general. Does that help? Yeah. It's probably going to numb you or make you... Would you rather take a beating drunk? Fuck, yeah. You're numb when you're drunk.

I guess, man. I think maybe if I was sober, I might be able to move a little bit better and avoid some of the punishment. Oh, if you were going to fight back, I'd rather be sober, but not if you're going to take a beating. You're not going to do much to fight off a bull. That's why a lot of the people in the Titanic survived because they were drunk, too. Because they were warm? Really?

What the fuck are you talking about? That water kills you almost instantly. People survived that. Dude, only the people that didn't go in the water. No, no. People in the water survived. I don't know about that, man. Really? I think that's why drunk drivers

are always the ones that survive because they're so much more relaxed. We should look that up because I'm pretty sure that was even a premise in the movie was that Leonardo DiCaprio died because he was in the water and he left her on the raft.

Because he wasn't shit-faced. Yeah, that's what it was. You fucking queer, you should have had a shot. You shouldn't have snubbed me at the bar. You shouldn't have snubbed me at the bar, Leo shouldn't have snubbed me at the bar, Leo. You'd still be alive, you queer. Did you know like 98% of the women survived the Titanic?

Because women were allowed on the lifeboats. Yeah, and kids. Duh. Sorry. Duh. Well, I mean, you'd think like a lot of people died. Like you didn't know that. Did you see that cruise ship in Antarctica that got fucked up last week?

Did you see that cruise ship in Antarctica that got fucked up last week? Did you see that? It got hit by a 35-foot wave, and it smashed the window of the boat and leaked all over the electronics. So the electronics all shorted out, and they couldn't drive the boat. No one's iPod was working. There's no lights. We're fucked. They had no power, and they had to creep in on some sort of a backup engine or whatever the fuck they had to do. But they had to creep in. They have the video of this boat getting hit by waves.

It is fucking terrifying. It's like a cork in a jacuzzi. Just bobbing, just completely out of control. I did a semester at sea last year of college. And so it's a giant, it's an old cruise ship that they've converted. It's like they strip it down and it's a college basically and you go around the world. What?

That's crazy. What's it called? The program's called Semester at Sea and our ship was the SS Universe. Holy shit. So you lived in a boat for a year? No, no, no. For four months,

four to five months, I think. So you went to all these crazy countries and you're crossing these huge oceans for days at a time, but the group that went after us, there's a certain degree that your boat can't go or else it'll capsize, and they have footage. They were on the news.

They were caught in the storm, and there's footage of all the kids' books just sliding, and they were one degree off from capsizing. There's like 600 kids on this thing. Oh, my God. They were this close. Ours was fine, but I was seasick for most of that. Wow.

Yeah. It was awesome. Brian, pull thatick for most of that. Wow. Yeah. It was awesome. Brian, pull that video up. See if you can find it. It was on my Twitter, but it's cruise ship Antarctica hit by monster waves.

But there's, when they were trying to rescue people off the boat, they got video of it. Like another boat came in close. I don't want to see it.

No, no, no. Nobody's screaming or anything like that. No one's bleeding from the nose. No one's got a bullet hole in their head. Cruise ship wave.

Cruise ship wave Antarctica. Put it in Antarctica. And it'll be really recent. It's a December article or December video. It's fucking trippy. It's so terrifying. This fucking boat is just bobbing back and forth. It makes you realize you're dealing with insanely deep water there.

Buenos Aires. A large wave slammed into an Antarctic cruise ship with 88 American passengers and 77 crew members aboard. But the ship's crew overcame minor damage and was heading safely back to its scheduled port on Wednesday, the vessel's operator said. The Kuldia II declared an emergency on Tuesday, reporting it had suffered engine damage amid heavy seas and 55 mph 90 kph winds when it was northeast of the South Shetland Islands and about 500 miles 845 kilometers from Ushuaia, the Argentine Navy said in a statement.

The International Association of Antarctica Tour Operators issued statement saying the wave that hit the Kuldildia II caused a broken bridge window and some electrical malfunctions that temporarily knocked out some communications and affected engine performance. Anyway, you get to see what it is. Norwegian Stephen Hawking. You don't need to hear that guy. But how crazy is that? Imagine being in that boat. Oh, my God. Look how far it goes up.

You know what? Those waves are so huge. It's so scary. And that's nothing. There's been waves higher than that. There was a wave that hit Alaska. Someone was just telling me about this. And it was in, I believe it was in the 1950s.

Some fucking wave. I should look this up. Some wave that was 1,000 feet high. Something fell like a shelf, like a volcanic shelf or something off a mountain fell into the water. Caused this monster wave that popped up from it. And everything from a thousand feet down in this area where it hit is just dead. There's just nothing there. Trees gone.

Everything gone. A thousand feet of water. Wrap your head around that shit, man. Can't. Can't. Impossible. I couldn't tell you what a thousand feet looks like. Sorry.

People don't need to hear how I can't quantify things. There's a fucked up video online. We talked about this on the podcast before. These kids at 900 feet above this, these Russian kids are walking on these beams 900 feet above this forest. I can't even look at shit like that. I look at anything where, like when I was doing Fear Factor and we'd be on buildings and people would have to like do some crazy fucking stunt where they had to like walk across some beam or rope or something like that. I look at anything where, like when I was doing Fear Factor, and we'd be on buildings, and people would have to do some crazy fucking stunt where they had to walk across some beam or rope or something like that

across two buildings, just looking over the edge. Your whole body just tingles. Do you have a height thing? Well, I may have a normal height. Yeah, normal. Not a crazy one where I start hyperventilating. But my body, just everything is telling me get the fuck away from the ledge! Get the fuck away from the ledge! Unless you need the money.

Well, unless you know you're in a ledge. Unless you need the money. Yeah. Well, unless you know you're in a harness and all that other good stuff. Yeah. Obviously, when I'm standing there directing the show, there's no harness on me. There. Obviously. What the fuck are we talking about? That's the actual show.

Basically nothing. Basically, the end of this show has reached. Yes. Because we run out of steam. About two hours in. It's hot as fuck in here too. Is it? That's just you and her together. I think it's chemistry.

I smell it. It's in the air. What? It's my Britney Spears perfume. Is that what it is? Do you wear Britney Spears perfume? Do you? That's kind of cool. Do you wear it to be ironic or do you like the way it smells? No, I love the way it smells. Really? I don't give a fuck. What does it smell like? If you had to describe it. It smells kind of like a lotion like a like a oh the lotion

cinnamon lotion britney spears is like a vanilla fruity like clean stripper you know that perfume angel yeah that's gross right so it was on one of my shelves from like a long time ago somebody left it there what is angel it's a perfume or perfume. It's a perfume. It's a perfume. It's a perfume. It's a perfume. It's a perfume. It's a perfume. Every woman's worn it at some point in her life. Yeah. It's a perfume. It's a blue star. Is it like the female version

of Dracar? Yes. Yeah. But it's in the star and it's not like one of those bottles that stand up. It's like the most

retarded shaped bottle ever. Anyways, I went to go grab something off the shelf in my bathroom and I didn't even know it was there and I fell down and broke in my bathroom.

My fucking house smells like my grandmother times a thousand. It's awful. It's an odd smell. It won't go away. It's so gay. It's horrible. All perfume's creepy.

Yeah. I love perfume. I like one spray. It's a passion of mine. Really? It's my MMA. I love perfume and smells and lotions. Wow.

Girls are so strange. I like smells. I smell good at all times. That's a Texas thing too, though. Texas women know how to be women. You know how to grill it smells. I smell good at all times. That's a Texas thing, too, though. Texas women know how to be women. You know how to girly it up. Yeah, they know how to girly it up. It's not like Wyoming women.

Take a hit. There are no women in Wyoming. There's no people in Wyoming. There's a few. No, there's three coyotes. It's a mountain lion and shit. One's the mayor. It's mountain lions and shit.

But the grapefruit, I think, is Not an aphrodisiac But men are attracted to the smell of grapefruit Really? And I think vanilla too But grapefruit's the one that does it It just doesn't have grapefruit in it Do you like perfume when girls wear perfume, Brian? Yeah, but there's a certain kind

Smell my hair How great does my hair smell? Yeah, so that's good I don't like the perfumey I'm wearing three kinds of perfume right now What? You are? I have an oil I have a hair perfume And then I have a perfume It's like my own thing And I do it even if I'm going to kinds of perfume right now. What? You are? I have an oil, I have a hair perfume, and then I have a perfume.

It's like my own thing, and I do it even if I'm going to be by myself all day. Whoa, that's weird. I love smelling good. Smell right here. Don't be weird. Don't be weird. That's good. See, that's very mellow.

It smells like baked goods. It's not flowery. It's baked goods. She smells like food. Okay, so you're a true scent connoisseur. You know what you're doing. I'm not fucking around. Yeah.

I know you don't. I take it very seriously. So when you smell a stinky girl that's like over perfuming, is that offensive to you? No, I just don't want to be her. You don't want to be her?

You feel bad for her? No, because everybody's body chemistry works with different smells. Right. Like it just depends on who you are. You could love the way

it smells in the bottle and then on you it either doesn't last or smells bad. So it just depends. The only thing I ever do is I put on deodorant so other people

don't get offended. That's it. You should. Timberlake's is actually pretty good. What is that? Justin Timberlake's? A cologne? I'm not wearing any cologne. You know what does work? Axe. I put some shit in my underarms. Axe smells so good. As a girl,

I went to college with this kid who was repugnant by every definition and he was an awful person and he was fat he was gross, and he sweated a lot. But when he would come, we'd have these meetings for this, when he would come to the meetings, and I hated this kid, I would find myself scooting closer because he would wear Axe. Whoa. Yeah. They have one that's called Chocolate Paradise. I'd recommend it.

I think you're a freak. How about that? I just like good smells. I think you're a freak. I'm an amazing fan of smell, and that's it. It's very rare. I think you're a freak. How about that? I just like good smells. I think you're a freak. I'm an amazing fan of smell. That's it. It's very rare. I wouldn't touch him.

I understand what you're saying, but I don't think dudes should plan for someone like you. No. I think it's a very rare attraction to smells you have. Very rare. Do you get super offended when dudes fart? Like a friend or like a boy that I like? A boyfriend. Like a boy that you like.

Every boyfriend I've had has not done it in front of me. Are you serious? Every single one has not? Because he knows about your smell. No, just like they're super courteous about it. I'm not even joking. Like the last one, we dated for a year. He'd always leave.

Never hot boxed you? No, no one would ever do that to me. Are you serious? I wouldn't date the kind of guy that would do that. Brian, you're off the list. Brian's a hot boxer from the 80s. He was hot boxing back before he even had a name,

back when it was an oven. Actually, I have a bit about that, how awful it is when every time I get in a relationship, like this last girl I dated from Texas,

from Houston, we had like a good relationship and then she started doing these little things that made it not romantic anymore. One of the things is like she seriously blew a fart on me

and goes, do you want breakfast in bed? And she goes, there's your eggs, bitch. And she blew a fart on me. And I'm like, really? That really did happen. Yeah, I did that in my act. And that's true. That just kills a relationship, girls. Don't ever

do that. She's almost throwing up. If you fart, I've done that. I've farted on accident and then it's like, I'm sorry. There's things that happen, but to deliberately suffocate someone, that'm sorry. There's things that happen, but to deliberately suffocate someone, that's gross. How rude. Houston girls, man, they're

hillbillies. They're a dirty part of my state. You can find some good ones. There's good ones everywhere, fella. You just attract a certain type and you gotta do something about that. You gotta do something about that. Don't be blaming Texas. Don't be blaming Houston. Four years has been in Texas. You can figure it out, bro.

You can get better. It's over. Would you do that to your wife? No, no way. Guys don't fart in front of each other? No. You could fart on her. I mean, accidentally.

Yeah, you wouldn't be like, hey, come here, bitch. No, no. I don't know anyone who wants to smell my farts. My farts are horrible. There's no need for that. I eat too much meat. Farts are okay, by the way. Someone's farts.

My little daughter's farts Aren't that ridiculous Do you like your own farts She doesn't eat much She's a little girl She eats a lot You'd be amazed Her logs She drops logs

It looks like a dog shit In the potty I see these logs I'm like there's no way And now she calls it logs I told you It's because it's your daughter Yeah but they're huge logs

If you didn't know her You'd be like that's awful If I didn't know her Yeah of course I have to pick this The thing is The potties are ridiculous because what it is is a little plastic bucket on the bottom that's that your baby shits in yeah so you have this like advanced civilization where people have toilets and running water but you don't use it for your little babies they have

to shit in a little box because and you have to be well you're with them all the time anyway so it's just a minor inconvenience you just dump it in the toilet and all that but but it's they can't climb up to the toilet dump it in the toilet and all that. But they can't climb up to the toilet yet. They're not really designed for that yet. And they can't hold themselves up while they're falling. So I get her. She's got like a little thing that sits on top of the toilet, but then again, you've got to pick her up. But she drops these logs that are like

human-sized. I mean, if it was my poop, it would be as big as my chest. I mean, it doesn't even make any sense that so much shit comes out of her little body. No. You've got to take the famous photo of her pooping now. She's a baby. Because they have one for you.

Well, that's something that everyone did as a kid. Is that on your Twitter? It used to be. I don't have it anymore. Me holding my penthouse. Let's bring this bitch home, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring us. If you want to go to fleshlight.com

Or actually if you go to joerogan.net And click the link You can get 15% off So you can masturbate at a discount And it's a very effective item I support it I went back to using it recently Did you?

Good for you bro You can be by yourself for a little bit You're gonna be okay I need to You're gonna be fine Thank you very much to Eliza Schlesinger Thanks for having me Powerful comedian

Winner of Last Comic Standing And and all-around badass bitch. Thanks, guys. Props. Give me some knuckles. Check out her blog. Her blog's really good. She has very funny Twitters as well. Thank you.

You have a cool name on Twitter, too, because it's easy. Eliza. That's it. I-L-I-Z-A. And my blog is www.thatsmynightmare.com. Yes. And that's linked on the Eliza Twitter page, right? Yes, on Eliza.com. And so follow her on the Eliza. Yes. On Eliza dot com.

And so follow her on Twitter, you dirty bitches. And follow Red Band, too, because he's really sad that he doesn't have any more. He's trying to, like, really blow past Cat Stacks. And Cat Stacks has more than me. I actually have a number that I'm trying to get past right now. What is it? Tell me what it is. Twenty one thousand.

Twenty one thousand, folks. We can do it, ladies and gentlemen. Just believe in the Lord. The Lord will provide. And twenty one thousand Twitter followers will enter a new epoch. Yes. Whatever. What the Lord and the Lord will provide and 21,000 Twitter followers will enter a new epoch. Yes. Whatever.

What the fuck am I talking about? February 4th, Mandalay Bay. Me, Joey Diaz, and Ari Shafir. It's going to be epic, you fucking freaks. Mandalay Bay Theater, I think it's like 1,700 people.

Still some tickets available. They're going fast. Don't get locked out. Thank you to C2O Coconut Water for sending us a big fat case of delicious coconut water. The shit is so yummy. Did you try it yet? Yes, I've had it before. Oh, you've had it before.

It's great. You're going to just take it with you? You're not going to drink it? I'll go drink it. Have some. I said long car ride. On the long car ride? Well, bring in the long car ride.

Don't bow in the peer pressure. I'm going to take it and throw it away. When can anybody see you do stand up? When is the next post gig? I do stand-up nightly in Los Angeles. For updates on that, you can go to my Twitter or my Facebook page. I always post it. Comedy Store Improv or The Laugh Factory.

And my next date, I will be at the Pittsburgh Improv. The 19th. Weekend of the 19th of this month. Great club. Powerful. Pittsburgh Improv. Go see her. Go see her.

Rock the house. Thank you very much For coming by Thank you everybody Tomorrow 3pm Brian Callen Is coming by Oh I love Brian Callen

Yeah my road dog Just back from Thailand Holla at your boy Filming The Hangover 2 So he's gonna have Some crazy fucking stories So we'll see you guys Tomorrow

And thank you very much For tuning in I love you bitches As always Oh you know it I don't have to say it You know I love you bitches Later as always oh you know what i don't have to say it you know i love you bitches later