The Joe Rogan Experience - #69 - Bryan Callen

Episode Date: January 5, 2011

Joe sits down with Bryan Callen.

Ryan, playing it clean now that he's doing films, major films. He's got to watch the image. It's funny when you do major films. For those of you guys who don't know, I just came back from Thailand doing Hangover 2, a little movie. But it's funny because when you – and we talked about this, man. Like you finally do the big film. You're doing this big film and stuff. And your whole – your desire is to do something that you've always

watched so you want to be the guy with the the sweaty shirt with the gun tears coming down your face on a railroad track with the wind blowing your hair back and it's the final confrontation we can have a shootout that scene that scene in your fantasy takes six days because they're shooting a half a page a day that's what acting in the film is you're just sitting around while they spray your shirt. Well, the sweat isn't really working. It's not the same as the shot before. We've got to change your shirt. Give us a minute. That light's

not working. Can you stand to the left a little bit, Brian? That's what doing a big film is really about. It's fun, though, because you end up hanging out with some fun people on this. You can't really complain about doing big movies, dude. People don't want to hear that shit. Sorry. Erase. He's in a hangover, too, erase hangover too and it sucks it didn't suck i had a great time what's the best gig in hollywood do you think it's a tv show well the best gig for like as far as

like comfort life comfort that's what they say i think there's no question that it's a sitcom because you work 10 minutes a week and you make a fortune see for me doing a doing a sitcom is is uh is cake because then i can go do stand-up on the weekends and make you know tv money doing that yeah yeah i mean the best gig in hollywood the best gig in the show business is is either being a rock star or being a stand-up comic and i'm not sure what beats what but you know there's nothing like doing stand-up comedy. Rock stars can break up. The problem is they have to rely on a bunch of other dudes.

That's exactly right. And I think also, when you're a major rock star, you've been singing the same song for 30 years. That's got to get a little tiring. It's got to be weird because it's totally reverse of comedians. Because with rock stars, nobody ever wants to hear their new shit. Nobody wants to hear their new Rolling Stones songs. No, they don't.

No, they're like, stop, do that Start Me Up song again because it reminds me of my childhood. But with comedy, people don't want to hear old shit. They want to hear some new shit.

What's some new shit? Because it's a magic trick because it's like you've got to surprise them. That's why people laugh. You have to constantly be coming up with new material. But isn't that a funny thing?

It's like the rock stars get pigeonholed into doing all their best old creations, and we have to... That's why David Lee Roth, when they fired him from Van Halen, he goes, all I know is Sammy Hagar's got to sing Jump

for the next 20 years. Jump! That's the problem with rock stars, man. I'm not saying that it wouldn't be awesome to be a rock star, but you have to find a group of people who agree to hang out and be cool with each other in the midst of the biggest

ego explosion in humanity's history. Rock star. That's the top of the food chain. That's the top of the vagina food chain. Fuck yeah it is. Are you kidding me? It's not to me. It's not. John Mayer, rock, paper, scissors over everyone you've ever

met in your fucking life. He's a rock star. Even with that huge head. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Steve Jobs is a rock star. Everyone knows he's banging everybody and it doesn't matter. It's not even slowing him down. He's the alpha male. He's a fucking savage.

Why? Because he's a rock star son. He's singing songs that make them emotionally satisfied He's making them orgasm emotionally He's singing all the right shit With the right tone The right amount of sensitivity It's amazing what guys will do to get chicks

My man's a player of epic proportions Respect Full respect He shows up in a black tight tank top He's the only guy who can get away with that A black skin tight tank top What What? He's the only guy who can get away with that. How is he doing that? A black skim tight tank top. What? Jump in.

I'd get punched in the face. But John Mayer plays guitar and girls swoon. My man is just slinging dick and giving out bubble gum. Have you seen him do comedy? He's also about 6'4", I think, too.

I hate that guy. He's a handsome. Brian, have you seen him do comedy? He's done comedy at the comedy store. I've heard he's done comedy as well. Yeah, I can't. Some guys, look, there's a pecking order.

You know, I'm the best. He's the silverback. That's all there is to it. I'm in the trees throwing fruit while he's taking all my girls. Speaking of which, all I could think of when I saw this video was you. Have you seen those videos of the Harpy Eagles in Venezuela? Yes, I have. Holy shit.

You mean the ones that take goats and let them drop forever? No, the harpy eagles do that, but the big thing they do is get monkeys. Monkeys and sloths in Venezuela. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll basically

fucking kill anything. They're huge. They're the biggest eagle. Yeah, the biggest eagle. They're enormous. There's a documentary on YouTube. It is the shit,

and I've thought of you immediately because you and I are both retards when it comes to animals. I have never had more, dude, have you heard about these fucking lions? We never had these conversations with anybody more than with you

because you and I just sync up and we both kick it to the next level of retard. I can't get enough. I can't get enough of them. Oh my God. Do you remember the conversation we had about those lions, the super lions in Africa

that eat the water buffalo? Yeah. The giant lions. Yes. You conversation we had about those lions, the super lions in Africa that eat the water buffalo? Yeah. The giant lions. Yes. You know what I'm talking about, Brian? Yeah. Because-

You and I were in like retard fever pitch. Right. Well, they used to always think- They're fucking bigger than males. The females are bigger than males. They're giant muscled lions. Anything like that. We were both like, holy fuck, this is fucking insane.

You just get so worked up about it that's why i got so obsessed with those chimps those huge 400 pound chimps those lion eater chimps they found leopard meat in their feces what oh and by the way they howl apparently and they fish with their own bare hands and they are all gray yeah you know that they're big crazy gray chimps the older ones they're gray look Just like in that movie Congo. Yeah, and let me explain something to you. When you buy a chimp, if anybody wants to buy a chimp,

I don't want to hear that nine-on-one call. Here's the problem. You don't want something with seven times the upper body strength of a grown man with a three-year-old's brain that's prone to rage, okay? Because they go for the face and the genitals. Fucking Christ.

Yeah, that's what they do. The guy at the San Diego Zoo goes, no, a chimp says solve everything with violence. They go for the face and the genitals Fucking Christ. 40 pound female in the Bronx Zoo a long time ago. 140 pounds. Okay. Now male chimps get up to about 200 pounds. This is 140 pound female adolescent. They taught her that the more she pulled with one hand, they strapped her to a chair. The more she pulled with one hand, she had the sweeter, the fruit they'd give her. It's supposed to an apple. They give her a mango. She pulled 1200 pounds with one hand. She rode 1200 pounds with one hand. Now think about that for a second. Dudes who are, who are doing the upright row with 350,

they're crazy. They're monsters. They're huge. 1,200 pounds. Her tensile strength, they did a tensile strength thing where they chest your grip. So the 160-pound man has 100 and,

oh God, what was it? It was like 300 pounds of, actually 200 pounds of tensile strength. She had 1,200 pounds of tensile strength as well. She could squeeze a ball. We are so fucking weak. We're pussies. We're such fleshy fucking shitty pussies.

I spent three weeks in Indonesia rehabilitating orangutans. I was around... Sorry, it's pronounced orangutan. Dude, you're a fucking scientist. I'm really smart, you guys. Holy shit. That means person of the forest in Indonesian. You guys learn a lot.

This is about education. This show is all about the education, yo. Yeah, but meanwhile, they're ridiculously strong. That's insane, man. It's crazy. Back to Bangkok. And that's a 140-pound female. Correct.

So a 200-pound male just got to be off the fucking charts. Yeah, how about a 400 pound male? The huge ones. That's why they call them lion killers. Correct. The most recent expeditions

actually caught one eating a leopard. They don't know if it killed it but they observed them eating it. And they're very elusive, man. They've actually never

I guess they've only seen like a couple in the wild. Yeah, they've only seen a few in the wild and they sleep on the ground. They nest on the ground just like gorillas. Who wouldn't? They don't in the wild. Yeah, they've only seen a few in the wild, and they sleep on the ground. They nest on the ground just like gorillas. Who wouldn't? They don't give a fuck.

Yeah, exactly. Good luck, everybody. It's crazy because it's only a very, very small part of the Congo, and that part is all filled with civil war right now. It's very dangerous, so it's really hard to explore these guys. Right. And to get to them, you've got to go straight through rainforest on foot. That's the only way to get to them.

Impenetrable. It's insane. Once you're in there, man, dude, good fucking luck. Good luck with poisonous spiders and snakes and ants that will eat you out from the air out. They will climb into your ears and eat your fucking brains. Millions of them. Streams of

ants. They take down elephants, man. Have, they do. Have you heard of those spiders that are that big that are over in Iraq right now? Camel spiders. Yeah. I've seen them. I live in Saudi Arabia. We fed people those on Fear Factor.

That's fucked up. They did? Yeah, they had to eat those. They had to eat them live. No. Don't they bite? Yes, they did. Yeah, but it numbs you.

I would never be on that show. You've got to grab them the right way, I guess. It's amazing what people do for fame. I'll eat a camel spider and get stung in my face. Yeah, pretty ridiculous. Yeah, getting stung on the roof of my mouth can't be fun. There was a lot of shit we did with bugs that was ridiculous. Scorpions.

We made people lie in a thing of scorpions, just get jacked by scorpions. And they got tongue and stuff? Yeah. Ow! Ow! Those big black ones that look really scary, those apparently are not as dangerous. The really dangerous ones are the small brown ones.

Right. Some of the small brown ones. But the big black ones, it's like a bee sting. What were those fluorescent ones? They were like green caterpillars that just burst every time somebody would chew on them. Like, they were this huge... Oh, tomato hornworms. Yeah, those things are crazy.

Fluorescent green. So if you're in the wild, is there any bug you can't eat? I'm sure. There's a lot of them. When bugs are really bright and colorful, most of the time that's a big warning. It's a big warning that there's some poison

in this motherfucker. Look at this bitch. Back the fuck up. If you eat me, it's both of us. They're suicide bombers. That's really what it is. It's to discourage this bitch. Back the fuck up. Yeah, yeah. You don't want to eat me. Because if you eat me, it's both of us. Yeah. They're suicide bombers. You eat them, and that's really what it is. It's to discourage predation. Nature's porn star. You don't want to eat caterpillars, apparently.

Those are poisonous. Yeah. Especially the really. They're really bright and pretty. Yeah. Or hornets. Caterpillars. All those fucking things.

We're just so lucky they're small. Fuck hornets. Could you imagine if hornets were giant, like a horse? If a hornet was the size of a fucking horse? Dude, we would have never evolved to this point. I'd never leave my house. Because hornets would just come down and just jack you and bite your fucking head off and eat your body. Yeah, they do.

They would just do that. They would just do that and there would be nothing you could do about it. We would never develop to the point where if those animals existed. Unless we learned how to ride them. No. Are we high right now? We would just be fine as fuck if it wasn't for that goddamn asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs they would never we would never have gotten to this position we had to start from scratch and then have a a new race with the mammals that's right try to get to the top of

the food chain if there was giant flying fucking hornets the size of horses we would have never made it this far i don't know you'd have to walk around with a flamethrower I don't know if that would work I don't know if that works on a regular hornet those things are no joke yeah man they would find you if they found you

like in a big fucking swarm of them found you they found out where the people are you ever watch that video there are these gigantic hornets they're Japanese

I know all about them you want to go into that please let's go into that I watched it 50 times fucking incredible you mean the six Japanese yellow hornets that are the biggest member of the hornet family

that came in and killed 30,000 bees in a period of three hours? Is that what you mean? Dude, that video. They bit their heads off. Ladies and gentlemen. 30,000 bees. It would be the YouTube search for that.

Japanese hornets kill bees. Yeah, go to Hornets vs. Bees. Hornets vs. Bees. You've got to see this. And imagine if they were big and by the way these things that they have close up on this thing and you watch these bees doing whatever they can and the only time this is what was so creepy those japanese hornets what they'll do is they'll send a scout out and when the scout sees the hive it it drops like a hormone like a

like a scent trail on the hive and and then goes flying back to its nest, and then the troops come out, and they come out, and then they just eat all the bees. Now, what they do, but sometimes what the bees get, they get lucky, and what they'll do sometimes is they will actually, when the hornet's walking around like it's doing right now, sometimes the bees will jump on it,

and they can't sting it because its armor is too too thick what they do is they start flapping their wings around it and they create so much heat around the hornet that the hornet dies because it's too high and that's the only time if you can kill the scout before he goes back your your colony will survive if you don't then you're all dead holy shit shit. If you haven't seen this, folks, you have to see this. Looks like a spaceship. And just wrap your head around what the fuck's going on. I think we discount the

insane complexity of the insect world because they're so little. That's right. But if they were big, what a fucking trip this would be. They're so incredibly organized. It's ridiculous We're so lucky they're little I mean it could have easily turned out

That these things were birds You know giant birds Well the pterodactyls and things The dinosaurs were essentially The birds are their closest relatives There's an interesting theory That I read recently about dinosaurs, that they believe that the size of dinosaurs is so ineffective,

given our current atmosphere, that they think that it's possibly evidence that there was a different atmosphere on Earth, when a different density to the atmosphere on Earth. Well, I imagine they were cold-blooded, so it would probably have to be warmer than it was, right? Yeah. You know, like crocodiles. I mean, you see that documentary called Here Be Dragons

where you got those crocs that actually bite wildebeests around the midsection and take them in. Fucking insane is that video. When the wildebeest walks up to the pond, they're drinking, and it just explodes out of the pond. That's right. And that's a, I don't know how many thousands of pounds, but that's a dinosaur.

That's as close to a dinosaur as you get. It's incredible that that thing is still alive. They keep living, and by the way, they keep growing. There's this condition with a reptile like that where they will just keep growing. The more they eat,

the bigger they get, where they eat cows. Yeah, and there's a certain sinister quality to the crocodile that makes it look more sinister than an alligator. It's called a longer, sharper snout. And alligators have that rounder snout,

and they tend to eat fish and smaller animals. Tend to, but they fucking eat people every now and then too. They'll eat people sometimes. There was a guy who got killed who was running from the cops. He crashed his car. It was like a DUI in Florida. Really? Running from the cops.

Jumps out of his car. Jumps into the water. Just as he jumps into the water, the alligator grabs him and fucks him up. Right in front of the cops. Is that true? Yeah. I was in Marco Island doing stand-up. And there's an area in Marco Island off of Naples that has the biggest saltwater crocodile

preserve, American crocodiles. And there are signs all over. Don't go swimming. Do not get out of your boat. Be careful when you're fishing. All that stuff. If there are crocodiles anywhere in the area, I'm not going fishing. We're not going hiking.

All you have to do is tap them in the snout. Get the fuck out of here. What the fuck are you talking about? That's the biggest lie. When they only talk about when a shark attacks you, hit them in the nose. They kill sea lions with their mouths. It's like hitting a Chevy on the mouth when it's coming at you at 30 miles an hour on the hood. Yeah, they're not worried about stuff that bumps their nose. Please.

They're going to fuck you up. That's just some... Meanwhile, there's that guy that rides Great Whites. How about that guy that rides Great Whites? How about that guy that rides Great Whites? There's a guy who rides Great Whites? He's from South Africa. He was snorkeling with eight Great Whites in the water and then rode a 22-footer.

Shut the fuck up. Speaking of which, David Blaine, I don't know if I can say this because I think it's going to be part of a show, but he does a thing with Great Whites that's pretty crazy. Dude, you just gave it away. I can't even believe you did that. No, but it's nothing. I'm not giving anything away but he does

some he showed me some pretty cool stuff i'll drop big names on this podcast if i want the whole animal world man we so take it for granted because we've pretty much isolated ourselves from it with cities you know that's the first thing that really struck me when i was living in colorado was how you're connected to the wild world there. You cannot remove the wild world from Colorado. Like when you're driving through town in Evergreen, there's these photos of like elk herds that mosey through town. Hundreds of elk, thousand pound wild animals, wild cattle basically, right?

That's what they're like. And they're moving through the fucking forest and walking down the main street and clogging up traffic i mean it's a trip you know i was in ohai one time i was swimming and uh um i watched these porpoises like i could i could not i could hear them because they were probably 50 feet away and they just passed me not dolphins but those huge purple porpoises just and one of them surfaced and went... And breathed through its... And I just felt so insignificant.

It was like a locomotive, just a bunch of locomotives just gliding through. It was crazy. So I called to them. The trip about dolphins is that they're so intelligent. Yeah, and they have wars with each other. And you can see it when you're looking at them. There's some weird connection. When you're communicating with a dolphin,

like if you're by a boat and they're jumping up and looking at you, like when they're trying to play with you and have fun with you, there's like you're connecting to them somehow or another. I think what's interesting about the more intelligent the animal, for example, chimpanzees, even certain birds, but especially dolphins, the more organized and more violent they are with each other. Like dolphins will wage war on other dolphin pods and kill entire pods.

And they didn't know that until they created this documentary on it where they actually have they sent out like warring parties. It's exactly like chimps. documentary on it where they actually have they send out like warring parties it's exactly like chimps if chimps have one area of a forest and there's another family of chimps in another area they'll send males out that will look for other males from the other tribe and kill them it's crazy yeah we're not the only ones that do war in animal not at all not at all that's why i've always said to people man you got to be really careful about wanting the fucking aliens to land. Just look at the history of what every smart thing has done to everything not as smart all over Earth. Every single opportunity nature has had to express itself, the stronger, smarter things fuck the weaker things.

That's the argument against technology in some ways for a lot of computer scientists. When you start creating computers that are smarter than we are, and they start making computers smarter than they are, and then they start developing what's called will, the question is, are they going to have respect for their biological heritage? Look all over the

intelligent animals that we know. Chimpanzees eat monkeys. Killer whales eat dolphins. They kill and eat dolphins, man. And we do whatever the fuck we want to do to everything underneath us. Are we expecting the aliens to be so evolved that they're past the whole rule of nature

that expresses itself over and over again wherever we are? Everything that's intelligent takes advantage of everything that's not as intelligent. Absolutely. It's just the way we're not as strong or not as powerful. And human beings do it to other human beings that don't have, you know. Why wouldn't we expect the aliens to just be coming down here and just fuck with us? I think it's a will to power.

I think it exists. I don't know. I'll be ready. Brian, what would you do if the aliens landed? What would you do if it all turned out to be real and that we have been monitored from space by invisible aircrafts? Well, it depends how they come. Like if they just slowly land go like hey i'm in the aliens i just landed i'll probably be like hey what's going on you know but if they just like blow up it'd be funny if they were really if they were really anticlimactic hey guys what's going on we're the

aliens and nothing well what if they you know they got to a point where they realized they had to step in because we were fucking up the resources of this world so bad that they had to reveal themselves? Again, it would have to be their body language. If they're just coming up to me going, hey, we're going to have to step in here. You'd be like, oh, okay. I'd be like, okay, I guess you could do it. Try it out. Go for it.

I'd ask them to do something about jet travel. When are they going to take less time to travel across the country? You don't want it to take less time. It's good right now. It's only a day, dude. Relax, everybody. Let's not fucking start teleporting each other halfway from here to there. Thailand.

Thailand was like 27 hours. I don't know what that was. Was there weird things everywhere you went around there? Bangkok's interesting because it's this very, very hot, hot tropical city with a lot of pollution and a lot of people. It's just chaos. But what's interesting, and if you're into underage sex for $60, then more power to you, but I'm not into that stuff. Or I am, but I feel so guilty.

No, but I played the owner of a strip club, so we shot a lot of the scenes in the sex district, the red light district, which was really interesting. So you play a new person than you were in the Hangover 1. Yeah, I mean, I'm wearing a wig, and it's very much the same. Todd Phillips loves that character. And I shouldn't say much more than that. But it was so much fun, man.

And I really think it's going to be hilarious. I think it's going to be just as funny as the first one. The first one was awesome. Yeah, I mean... They just so went for it in every aspect. I think they're going to do the same with this, man. I was so impressed with just watching the scenes. Even the ending credits were fucking fantastic.

Oh, God. And Paul Giamatti's in it now, and he's just hilarious. What was the deal with that Chinese guy? That's not really his penis, right? Ken? Yeah. That's CGI, right? You should have him on the podcast, by the way.

He's a great guy. He loves you. I've actually talked to him about you. I'm not going to make a comment on that. I'm not sure if that's his actual penis. I'm a big fan of him, too. Yeah, I've seen him talk about it. That really was his penis.

He's such a good guy, man. Is he? Oh, he's a great guy. It's hilarious. He's a real doctor. He's a real doctor? Yeah. He's a practitioner.

A practicing doctor. Holy shit. In calabasas oh i think that's where it was and he he's he's a straight up doctor and then started just taking acting classes and doing stand-up and he's just hilarious and fearless and he just hasn't stopped working and he's so grateful for where he's at he can't believe it he's like i can't believe this but he's fearless man he doesn't care wow he'll take his clothes off he's just you know he's got two kids he's funny it's fucking funny so how did he how did he break out of being a doctor he just was like he was just like i don't really like being a doctor that much when he was acting and doing

all these movies he was still he had a practice he was still doing like you know yeah yeah his wife is a practicing doctor too holy shit how many people are like that they just wanted to Wow. He was still doing like, you know. That's incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His wife is a practicing doctor too. Holy shit. Yeah. How many people are like that? They just wanted to do something else, but they just fucking never went for it. He's amazing.

They got stuck and then turned it around that much. Most people, man. I know. And then a guy like that who actually says, I'm going to, you know what? Thanks a lot for medical school, dad. I'm going to be an actor. You go, what? What are you talking about?

You got to practice. Nah, I'm going to chuck this in and I'm going to become a movie star. He's good, Dad. I'm going to be an actor. What? What are you talking about? You've got to practice. Nah, I'm going to chuck this in and I'm going to become a movie star. He's good, man. He is? He'll be working forever. Forever.

He's your go-to guy. Yeah, for sure. He's hilarious. And he's really fun to work with. That's the other thing I'm starting to notice. The guys that work a lot, like Giamatti and those guys,

they're just really good people. They're just a blast. They're just very giving. They listen to you. They react to you. They're just happy to be there yeah they're not cynical about it kevin james um i did his uh movie zookeeper and his whole staff like everybody who's working on the movie is so friendly oh they're great it's like so nice and everyone is like really appreciative of everyone it's just a nice, fun working environment.

It's seamless because of that. Kevin's that way. Kevin's a regular guy. It all comes down from him. It makes things so much better. When you're working with people that appreciate what's happening and appreciate what they're doing or appreciate each other,

it's a fun, positive environment. It's called perspective that's why reading like history instead of being like not talking about intellectual but just getting a sense of what came before you and how most people throughout all of history lived short miserable lives lives because they didn't have access to i don't know uh antibiotics vaccines cat scans all the things that let us go beyond our bodies, running water. I mean, it just goes on and on. And so, you know, you'd lose three of your, like Lincoln lost his kid to a fever. You know, how many famous people lost their children, three of their children at a time

to, you know, things like diphtheria and stuff we haven't even heard of. And so when you have a perspective of how lucky you are as just somebody who's never missed a meal for example or who doesn't have to do anything to get what they want you know just stay warm and stay safe and have representative government there are there's nothing to complain about nothing man well there's certainly something to complain about because it's got to evolve and get better you can't be satisfied with the way it is that's because it's completely fucked up i want to know what you think about all this crazy WikiLeaks shit.

You know, it's a... It's a trip, isn't it? Yeah, and the debate... Here's an interesting... But before you say anything, there's an interesting story that came up from the New York... or Rolling Stone magazine said, if the New York Times had received the same information, which is basically all WikiLeaks did,

would we be prosecuting them the way they're prosecuting us? The fundamental question is this. You had a private who made all this information available. And the private was in direct violation of military code. When you join the military, take an oath. And that private could be tried for treason because what he did is he took sensitive information, not top secret, but secret information, and he just basically deliberately leaked it. I agree. and he just basically deliberately leaked it.

Now, Julian Assange, if it's proven in court, and this is probably going to be the defense's platform, if Julian Assange just said, look, I was given this information and I provided a platform for that information, not unlike, and this is exactly what the New York Times did. Now, the New York Times,

what they did was they actually edited out certain names of people that could be put into harm's way if it was found out they were helping the enemy in those countries. So in other words, if the CIA has certain people we pay to get information, as soon as their names are put on the internet, their lives can be in danger because the host country or the country that they belong to or that they're betraying or whatever would put them in jail or kill them or whatever it might be. So that's where the dilemma really comes.

When you just dump a bunch of information out, it can have repercussions. Did they censor the names of operatives? The New York Times did. The WikiLeaks did? No. Julian Assange just took all that info and just let it out. Really? So he let out names of operatives in different countries? Everything. He even gave Social Security numbers and addresses of soldiers and stuff like that.

And the problem with that is that there's one side of the argument that says, look, there's got to be transparency. And if you're an operative, if you work for the CIA, there's always that risk you're going to be compromised. Okay, that's one idea. But the other issue is we're all for transparency. I certainly am. I'm for transparency of government. That's important. You don't want to give any agency in government too much power, because like any human beings just develop. Yeah, they just become their own gang and they get as much power. And that's what's the brilliance of the founding fathers was creating all different departments that are competing against each other.

The State Department has their agenda and they're always trying to undermine the Department of Defense. The Department of Defense has its own problems with the executive. And that's a beautiful thing because it doesn't let anybody have too much power.

But at the end of the day, if you're going to take just a bunch of info and just dump it, in some ways I think it has, first of all, it's spiteful, and I'm not sure what the point is. If you want transparency, that's one thing. But if you're going to be that irresponsible and put people's lives at stake, who are trying to do good work,

and they're trying to do good work out there. When I was in Afghanistan, those guys, most of those soldiers I was around were building hospitals and schools. Say what you will about the war, say what you will about the motives and things, and there's an intelligent debate to be had about the United States not getting involved in other countries' affairs, and we've heard these things. But the point becomes, what are you trying to accomplish when you dump all that information out there? And one of the repercussions might very well be that government agencies have a tough time getting information from valuable sources overseas, whether it's in cases of espionage or whether it's cases of national security.

A lot of people now are going to go, I don't want to talk to you, dude. I talk to you and I might get leaked because you have no guarantee that you can keep these correspondence secret. It's one thing to embarrass politicians. It's one thing that Vladimir Putin has called a guy who doesn't have as much control over his government. All right, we'll get over that diplomatically. It's another thing when very valuable sources of information for the United States all of a sudden are compromised. And then field operatives who

are trying to make the world a safer place all of a sudden have a very tough time recruiting anybody because nobody wants people like, I tell you a secret, man, and my name now, all of a sudden have a very tough time recruiting anybody because nobody wants, people are like, I tell you a secret, man, and my name now is all of a sudden on, you know, in the New York Times? No thanks. Or it's on a website, and the people that I'm betraying, that's the first thing, that's the first place they look, and they come to my house and kill me and my family? Nah, sorry. Find another guy.

I'm not working for you. So that becomes an issue. And there are a lot of other issues I think that we haven't really even, we'll see what this means. These things take time. The ripple effect takes some time. Do you think that there's any way that the private, the guy who leaked the information, the guy who, you know, in effect committed treason, there's any way that you could argue that if he thought that there were egregious offenses that were being ignored and swept under the rug, that it would actually be unpatriotic to not report them? It's a very good question.

It's the question that was raised with the Pentagon Papers. It's a question when – It's tricky, right? Well, sometimes your government is saying that we're not bombing Cambodia, and you start finding out that we're doing exactly that in violation of whatever it might be, you know, this is a whistleblower. Is a whistleblower, it all depends. A whistleblower is always going to have to take responsibility for the fact that there are people in the government that he's betrayed that are going to call him a scumbag and try to prosecute him. I do think, I think that's a very, very good question. I do think that sometimes you're in a position where you are privy to information that is either unjust, illegal, but there are channels.

There are also channels in our government to go through. Sometimes you think to yourself the press might be the last resort. There are other legal channels that the military provides, and it's a good question. It's a really good question, man. I do think that you have a responsibility as a human being when you see grave injustice. I don't think, in this case, that was the case. I don't think this private

saw anything grossly unjust. In fact... Do you think he just was impulsive? Why do you think he did it? You know... What the fuck is this? That's him. That's him. Let's ask him. Let's ask him. Let's ask him.

Joe Reagan, you shouldn't be here. Yeah. Hold... I gotta get that because my voice is fucked up. We're drinking coconut water, ladies and gentlemen. Have you ever had C2O coconut water? I love it. No, what is that?

It's really hard to find coconut water. I like that it's gluten-free. There's Amy and Brian's, too. That can be found on... Why is this hard to find? I don't know. It's just hard to find coconut water. I like that it's gluten-free. There's Amy and Brian's, too. That can be found on Amazon. Why is this hard to find? I don't know. It's just really popular, or it's just... It's 100% natural.

New. It's brand new. Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. We're in the middle of a fascinating fucking conversation. My goddamn phone has to ring. But that's a really good question. Whenever an institution of power... It's tricky, right?

It's like, what is this nation founded on? The nation is founded on truth, supposedly. Here's a very good question. What does that mean? The nation was founded on truth. If we go back to 2003, and you had very, very good information that there were no weapons of mass destruction, for example.

If you had top-secret information that, for example, we have no evidence whatsoever that there are any weapons of mass destruction, yet an entire nation is being sold a bill of goods. Let's just take that as an example. And you knew for sure, because by the way, in 2002, nobody had any idea, nobody was really saying, even on the National Security Council, on the United Nations Security Council, nobody was saying Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. They were saying, where are they? That's what they were saying.

We all assumed he had weapons of mass destruction because he'd used them on the Kurds in the 90s. Poison gas? Not just poison gas, but germ warfare as well. So we had documented evidence, and the United Nations corroborated this. It wasn't just U.S. intelligence. But we had documented evidence that he had used and killed

a large number of Kurdish men, women and children with with these horrible weapons. So so in 2002, when you say when when Bush was saying, look, this guy has the fourth largest army in the world. He's acted very responsibly, started three wars, two with Iran, one with Kuwait, which resulted in a million people dead on both sides. This guy miscalculates all the time. You tell me what's stopping him from dropping a weapon of mass destruction into an enemy of ours hands anonymously like al-Qaeda. That was a debate that they talked about in the war room. Bush says, you know what, the guy's got weapons of mass destruction. Let's make a play. Let's bring it up to the United Nations,

and we're going to war if this guy doesn't cough him up. Now, let me ask you something. What is going on? Hold, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you're taking notes, because I don't know what I'm talking about. This story is haunted do you think coconut water

is going to become so big that coconuts are going to become rare like we're going to eat all the coconuts off the planet no I don't because I don't think it's that popular what if it because I mean is that something that we could run out I don't know what happened there folks I had my volume turned off

there's obviously a fucking ghost in my office. There's a ghost in the office, ladies and gentlemen. The government's letting me know, bitch, I can turn up your volume anytime I want, faggot. It's the Comedy Store abortion ghost. It is. It's traveled here. But here's the final point.

Here's the final point, and we'll move on. If you were in a position, and you were a field operative, you were a CIA guy, you were in a Pentagon, whatever, and you knew for a fact that there were no weapons of mass destruction, or at least there was no evidence, but to divulge that information would be to compromise certain national security secrets. Would you do it? My feeling would be that you should do it. My feeling would be that if you're going to stop a war from happening because there's no evidence, then maybe you should say something. Dude, you're a fucking

George Clooney movie right now. I'm so smart, you guys. You're a goddamn George Clooney movie. I don't have enough hair to be George Clooney. That fucking... They did give you some shit.

They put some stuff in there. You know what? They dust my head. Bruce Willis. That's the most important thing. Bruce Willis shaved his head. He doesn't give a fuck. Yeah.

I know. Dude, you could do it, man. This is the movie This is the breakout hit Guys ladies and gentlemen You're gonna stop it You're gonna stop the war He's the guy that talks too much

He's Brian Callen It's an alternate world It's an alternate world An alternate version of our life If you had stopped the war If you had known There was no weapons of mass destruction You get on TV

And you change the world Would they believe you? And then it shows What we're really like now In 2010 Or 11 11 Gotta get used to that That's what's funny If you had all the answers If you had all the secrets on TV and you changed the world. Would they believe you? And then it shows what we're really like now in 2010 or 11. 11. Gotta get used to that.

That's what's funny is if you had all the answers, you had all the secrets, would people really listen to you? No, they would think you're an idiot. Shut up, stupid. Right. Well, that's what they thought about Jesus, man. That's what they thought about Jesus. That's right.

Unless you can produce miracles right there and then. Even then, they're like, that's a trick. Placid religion. Unless you can produce miracles right there and then. Even then they're like, that's a trick. There's something fascinating about this looking back to a time when someone had it all fucking nailed. We've always done it. It's weird. It's nostalgia for the past. What is that?

It's called the good old days. Do you think that that is because there's been a bunch of different versions of civilization that things have crashed and gotten terrible and then gotten better and crashed and gotten terrible? So they've always looked back to when things were great before it crashed. It's almost like an ethic. It's almost like the way we think.

Well, you know, they were talking about this fundamentalist Islamic movement. It's a very new thing in Islam. There's extremes who believe that, you know, they always look back when Muhammad created Islam and that was the golden age and it was where everything was perfect and stuff like that. It's just, I think that some, maybe it's, I think sometimes people will look back.

Did they know what started it? I'm sorry? What started the most extreme movement now? Well, a lot of it came from what they, Wahhabi sect of Islam, which was in Saudi Arabia and continues to be in Saudi Arabia. It's a puritanical form of Islam. But this is a long debate. I don't want to say anything.

But, I mean, certainly I think one of the things that caused Islamic fundamentalism was... I think Islamic fundamentalism, like anything else, is an idea that was born out of a bunch of men who basically felt lost and insignificant and needed something to make themselves feel, I guess, cohesive and important. Whenever you look back, and this is what I was trying to say about when you look back, usually when people look back on the good old days,

I think it's a natural reaction. It's usually because you're connected to something that's trying to revive something. You're trying to revive something. And when you look back at, you know, whenever you talk about, well, back in the day with Kong, you hear this with martial arts a lot. Back in the day, those Kung Fu masters could walk on water. They could fly through the air.

I think it's like kind of like before things were contaminated, that when they first came out, they were pure. And throughout the ages, they become compromised and contaminated. That's a human thing we do. Instead of realizing that things actually evolve and get better usually, we like to look at when things first came, when they were first born, there's a purity to it.

And we've got to get back to that purity because we've lost our way. And I think that's why people look back on history and kind of say, boy, back in the day when the mailman came and the milkman came, and it was just so great, and you could walk the streets without anybody killing you or murdering you. And it's all a lie. It's all horseshit, in my opinion. It's all like looking back on the good old days when things weren't so good.

Things were actually really inconvenient and really difficult. You didn't have things like the Internet and access to information immediately. Sure, it comes with its own problems. But we live, for the most part, most of us, even in the past 30 years, live a much better life. And I'll give you two examples. I mean, China, remember, China was, and Russia for that matter, and most of those countries, they couldn't leave their own country. Those were communist countries with very strong central authorities

that controlled everything you did. Latin America was all military dictatorships. Now they're all democracies. So, I mean, when people look back on the old days, I'm always like, I don't know, man. You haven't been studying history too much. Yeah, the old days can suck my dick. Correct.

How about that? Correct. Even old cars suck. Remember when I used to whittle an old car with a carburetor that got like a block a gallon and always broke down? They look awesome, but god damn, they drive stupid.

They're just so ridiculously dumb to drive. Not to mention, they were really, really dangerous. They didn't have airbags. I mean, you went through those windshields, man. You lost your head. Those brakes were bunk, son. I forget it. Those brakes barely stopped those cars.

Big, stupid drum brakes in the back. We were just driving around in death machines. Right. Now we have ABS brakes. We got computers. We got everything. It's amazing that people survived having those stupid cars. They didn't most of the time.

You had kids riding in the front seat with those lap belts. Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, put on your lap belt, everybody. I'm in the back seat. I didn't most of the time. You had kids riding in the front seat with those lap belts. Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, put on your lap belt, everybody. I'm in the back seat. I don't need my seat belt. Yeah, and you're driving around in this huge rectangle of metal.

Oh, forget it. Barely loosely connected to stupid tires that are screeching around every corner. There goes my transmission. Remember shitty cars? They would take a turn and you would hear their tires squeal because they're barely hanging onto the road

with this shitty piece of fuck car and you get in an accident and all you got to run into is steel and glass not even like not even that crushed glass it's just like

that big shards of glass cars today they defy physics you know they don't really but they feel like they do yeah Ralph Nader you can thank him for that

he was the spearhead for all that really yep Ralph Nader I'm not thanking that dude for shit how about that Ralph Nader. You can thank him for that. He was the spearhead for all that stuff. Really? Yep, Ralph Nader. I'm not thanking that dude for shit. How about that? Ralph Nader was like, cars are dangerous, and I'm going to do something about it. A lot of people got pissed off by that guy when he was running for president.

Yeah, I know. They said that sort of revealed who he really is. Well, yeah, because he took votes, crucial votes away from the Democrats. Yeah, there was that idea, and there was also the idea that, well, who knows? Who gives a fuck about politics? Motherfuckers! So you think that Ralph Nader is the one responsible for it all?

Well, Ralph Nader is. Ralph Nader was the guy who said these cars are... I think he started a thing called unsafe at any speed or something. I think that's what it was. I might be wrong, but Ralph Nader basically said, look, we've got a lot of people dying needlessly

and it's ridiculous getting paralyzed and stuff because cars are not safe. They're dangerous. And there's a way we have the technology to make cars safer. You know that Mercedes-Benz

invented the airbag? Oh, okay. Let's hold everybody. So is Brody Stevens, was he over there? Yes, he was. Yes, he was, ladies and gentlemen. Brody Stevens! was he over there? Yes, he was. Yes, he was, ladies and gentlemen. Brody Stevens.

Going crazy over there. Brody Stevens going crazy. Did he bring his dog? He did not bring his dog. He did not bring his dog. But I was going to say that I want to buy a Mercedes next because I found out Mercedes invented the airbag and gave it to every other car company.

They gave it to them because they realized that was the moral and ethical thing to do. So you're going to buy a Mercedes because of that or because you want to go big pimping, son? Because I want to go big pimping. Would you buy one of those big sled-like Mercedes or would you buy the little two-door? I don't know, man. That's a good question.

Maybe I want to buy... I wish I could ride a... You want to buy something that drives well? Do you give a fuck about that? Or do you think that when something drives... I drive a Prius, so no. It's all about safety for me now. That's the best. Safety and comfort.

I like an SUV, so if somebody hits me, I'm not dying there. I want a horse. I think horses are sexy. Talk to me about horses. That's what I want. Wait a minute. This is a funny horse story. There's horses in my neighborhood,

and the other day I'm driving, and I swear to God I'm not speeding. I am not even remotely speeding. I am leisurely driving down the street, and there's a lady in front of me with the horse. And I'm nowhere near them, okay? I'm 100 yards away, and the horse starts freaking, just does like a little freak move, like a little freak move.

And the fucking lady with the horse and her friend look at me and just start doing this thing with their arms. Oh, waving up and down. Slow down! Slow down! Slow down! And I swear to you. Making the horses more scary. I'm not even going 25 miles

an hour. I'm not. I'm not even. I'm going so slow. I'm not even. I'm going so slow. I'm just relaxing. I'm just driving. And this horse just sees a car coming and starts bucking. And these gigantic man-like arms. Because women who are into horses, they're all the same. First of all, they're all blonde.

They all have cinder block heads. And they all have these squat football player bodies. Big hands. Yeah. And their fucking stupid boots. Funniest sort of. Those leather boots that go up to their knees. What the fuck are you doing? You sure they weren't going like pimps up, hoes down?

No. They were saying slow down? Dude, she was mad at me. Funniest, funniest. I swear to God, I was nowhere near this horse. If I had done a douchey thing, I'm a big fan of animals. If I had done a douchey thing, I would admit it. But it was ridiculous. It was just

me driving, and all of a sudden... Pimps up! Funniest horror story I just heard a couple days ago. My buddy had... They found this... He's fine now, but they found a benign tumor growing out of his spinal

cord. He had back problems for a year. So he was like, what's going on? And he was a pro athlete and stuff. And they went and they go, dude, you got a tumor growing out of his spinal cord he had back problems for a year so he's like what's going on and he's been he was a pro athlete and stuff and they went they go dude you got a you got a tumor growing out of your spine he has since had it removed and it was a really successful operation and stuff by this team of a really good time but anyway so he's he's all bunched up he's like a tumor in my they're like yeah we have to take it out it's very delicate procedure you could have some paralysis and he's dealing with all this and he doesn't know what to do. He's like, this is terrible. So he's driving in Marina Del Rey, and he's down this alleyway. And he's kind of in a daze.

He's like, what am I going to do? This is crazy. Thank God I have health insurance, but I don't know what I'm going to do. They've got to cut into my spinal cord. And he's just completely out of it. Out of nowhere, out of nowhere, as he's contemplating his own mortality, he just sees me and these huge eyes and nostrils and this horse this massive horse runs at his car and he screeches on the slant he's going really slow anyways down and now he stops the horse jumps over his car, breaks the windshield,

does $3,000 worth of damage on his new car, and runs over the roof. Goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. So he just, he's, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo, goo. Crushes the windshield, runs over his car and runs. It was a police horse that had gotten spooked. It got spooked by somebody who threw a firecracker and and all of a sudden the horse runs and he sees like 16 cops like come running around the corner and now they're

running at him and he's like what the fuck is going on and they just do you see the horse he goes look at my fucking car and now he's like trying to get them to pay for his you know his basically his car it is pretty fucking crazy that they're riding animals in 2011. It's for crowd control. Come on. Why are you riding animals? This isn't Lord of the Rings. I have horse problems every day because I live in a question district. And so there's just horses coming over my patio, like scaring my dog all the time.

I mean, I live in like horse world. It's crazy. That's a strange thing. How do you get on the mounted police? Is that a promotion or is that a demotion? You get made fun of by the other guys on the motorcycles. For dudes, it's really uncomfortable. For girls, apparently riding horses can give you orgasms.

Oh, yeah. You line it up right. Hey, listen. I had sex with this horse girl in London. Tough lips. It was good in the stable, by the way. Whoa. The smell of horses and leather and my dick.

Holy shit. I like saying dick. You should smell that all together Whoa. The smell of horses and leather and my dick. Holy shit. I like saying dick. You should smell that all together. I smell the hay. You should offer that as a perfume. My dick smells like hay and saddle leather. There you go. Horses, leather, and my dick by Brian Callen.

There you go. Sounds like a fucking cologne. Listen, dude, 50 cents has got a cologne. That's what you need. Horses, a barn, and my dick. You smell like horse hay and dick. Horse hay and dick. It's my new cologne called Listen, dude, 50 Cent's got a cologne. That's what you need. Horses, barn, and my dick. You smell like horse hay and dick. Horse hay and dick. It's my new cologne

called horse hay dick. Hope you don't mind. Sponsoring. We sponsor the Joe Rogan podcast. That might be the only cologne I'd be willing to wear. Horse hay dick. You want to smell like

horse hay and dick? You would wear that. I would wear that shit. It would counter my natural chimpanzee. I'd spell dick with three I's. Dick. Actually with a hyphen You would wear that. I would wear that shit. It would counter my natural chimpanzee. I'd spell dick with three I's. Dick.

Actually, with a hyphen and then a K at the end of it. Dick. You'd probably gently touch the tip of your penis through your pants. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't know what you're talking about. I don't do that shit. That's my favorite. You know, in the equestrian district I live in, there's these people that have those little ponies.

And I'm just like, who are these people that buy these miniature ponies? Because they prance around. Yeah, these little horses. Perverts. They just walk around with horses. Perverts buy those things. Oh, they're show ponies. Apparently they're really affectionate, those little things.

Yeah, and they're a great fuck. What? Hey, wait a minute. Hey. I'm drunk. We've been through this before. Have you ever thought about getting one, Joe, is what I'm asking. No.

Because I would love it if you had a little show for me. No, there's a guy across the street from me that's got a horse, though. Get one. It's kind of a trip. Walk by his house and there's this giant animal in his yard that they ride. Unless you ride them, they're just going to be there. You pet them and they eat grass. That's the weird thing.

They just wander around. They don't do shit. It's like dogs. I have a yard. Dogs are always out there playing and chasing a squirrel or something. They look like they're having a good time out there. But if you have a horse, they just stand there. They look for something to eat and just move a little over here.

You could fuck them, Joe. Brian, you don't fuck them. You don't fuck horses. Didn't you watch the video we played yesterday? Horses fuck you, pal. You don't fuck them. Yeah. You are the conversation killer, my brother.

The mouth can fuck you. Dude, there's some crazy... Good luck. Could you imagine sticking your dick in a horse's mouth can fuck you Dude there's some crazy Could you imagine sticking your dick in a horse's mouth Have you ever felt it? It's soft as an ass It feels like a baby's butt It would be perfect You mean the lips Yeah

Those flat grass stained teeth Gotta hold your joint Snap it off It likes carrots Just take it its teeth out. Oh, shut the fuck up, Brian. That'd be great. It would crush you

just a bone. That bone would smash you even without teeth. Even without teeth it would crush you. My mother got bitten by a horse, okay? My mother got bit

right in the shoulder by a horse. Holy fuck. She was like, it was the worst thing she'd ever... Out of what? For what reason?

Horses bite you. If a horse doesn't like you or a horse is scared of territorial, they'll bite you with those flat horse teeth. They'll fuck you up, man. Correct. Last time I was on a horse

it was because I got bucked and I haven't been on one since. And that was one of the most scariest things ever, getting fucking a horse just freaking out and just bucking you off, flying in the air.

Yeah, fuck off. I grew up riding horses. I grew up riding horses and I'm still scared of them. Yeah. fuck big giant animals that you ride this is 2011 stupid i'm just kidding i hate horses the best the best that my buddy my buddy bob that that real tough dude i always tell you about once i said he does everything you know he rides bulls and stuff like that and i've seen him i have video of him riding a bull knock both he knocked both his teeth out and he was like whatever stayed on it stayed on it. Stayed on it anyway. Didn't get off.

He plays that poker thing where you play poker and a bull, they let a bull out and the last guy to get up. He plays that. He's always the last guy up. I have video of that. He's the last guy up. The other guys, everybody runs and he's like, he gets up casually like, whatever, like that. And I said to him one time, I go,

I go, can you ride a horse? He looked at me and he goes, I'll break a go i go can you uh ride a horse he looked at me he goes i'll break a horse bro i'll break a horse dead serious like he was insulted i asked him if he could ride one he fucking break a wild horse i go how would you do that he goes i fucking ride it till it fucking listens to me that's how i get that's how i do that i was like you're a fucking badass well how does that work you well the horse just gives up and becomes your bitch now you have to break it really work now you break a horse on a line you you have it you you teach it how to run in a circle and you you have it on a line and stuff so if they get a wild horse they really can break a wild horse like someone can you could lasso a wild mustang yeah but there's a technique

to it you have to you don't ever you don't get on it at first you you tether it you tether it to uh like a line and you a line And you teach it How to run How does it not just Stomp the fuck out of you It does A lot of times they will But you gotta

You have a whip And you keep them in line I mean somebody Really knows what they're doing You gotta whip it Whip it good Do people still do that In this day and age

You still try to tame wild horses Well you have to break a horse Where's a wild horse these days Where do you find wild horses I know I want to find packs of wild horses And hang out with them. Horses are indigenous, I believe,

originally in the Gobi Desert of Nepal. I mean, of Mongolia. That's where horses came from? Yeah, that's where the wild asses came from and all that. So I believe that the original horse, that's where they were originally

from the steppes of Asia. So did they come over here on boats? They came over here, they think, when the... I need to know whether it's the Bering Strait or it's boats. In fact, the Native Americans didn't ride horses from what I understand at first. Those were brought over by

the Spaniards. Well, that's how the whole deal with the Incas. The Incas thought they were gods because they were riding horses.as thought they were gods Because they were riding horses Right They thought they were like this They thought they were gods Like they had no idea

What the fuck was up Can you imagine You see somebody riding A huge horse An animal you've never seen You'd be like What the fuck is that That's why I always ride

When I ride I always ride naked Just so that they So I look like a centaur Yeah You do look like a centaur Yeah I never know where to put my balls

I just rest it on its fucking backbone One on each side The first guy to ride a horse must have been a bad motherfucker That's what I mean How about the first guy who decided You know what, I'm gonna ride a fucking bull Who dares me? Who dares me?

Throw a, no, let's go further Throw a testicle cinch on that fucking bull And tie my wrist to it And I'm gonna fucking see how long I can stay on it Jesus Christ They tie, they tie You gotta tie your wrist to that fucking thing That gonna fucking see How long I can stay on it Jesus Christ They tie You gotta tie your wrist To that fucking thing

That's why when they fall off And they get caught And they're being Flopped around like a rag doll Fucking stomped and stomped Have you ever seen them Get stomped out Oh yeah

Dude that's so terrifying Guys die that way No thanks Why do you have to Tie yourself on Why do you have to Can't you just hold on I don't know

Is that like part of the macho thing To tie yourself on You gotta tie yourself on Because that's how you Stay on the bullhorn Get the fuck out of here Because you can't hold on You I don't know. Is that like part of the macho thing? No, no, no. You've got to tie yourself on because that's how you stay on the bullhorn. Get the fuck out of here. Because you can't hold on when it's moving like that. A buddy of mine, listen to this.

You want to hear some crazy shit? I forget what branch, whether it's the Rangers or what branch of the special forces, whatever you have to do. But he was talking about when he bailed out of the system and this is what they were going to have

these guys do. They were going to tie them together. They hog tie them and throw them in the water. Yeah, and then you die and they bring you back. They do that with Navy SEALs. That's what the SEAL teams do. What the fuck? Dude, they want you to

be willing to drown and be convinced that your boy's going to go in there and dive in once the bubbles stop, by the way. No sooner. The bubbles stop. You go in there and dive in once the bubbles stop, by the way. Okay, and no sooner. The bubbles stop. You go in, pull the guy out. He's drowned.

You pump him out and rescue him and give him CPR and bring him back to life. That's right. They do it. The SEAL team. SEAL teams. The SEAL team six apparently does that. Dude, wrap your brain around that. That's what dudes do.

And my buddy was like, that was it for him. He was like, you know what? This is where I'm drawing the line. I did not know you guys were going to go here. I've never known that they were... Here's what we're doing today. No bench press, no running. You're going to die, and we're going to bring you back. Trust me. Fuck out of here.

I'll wake up with you making out. Oh my God. Could you imagine what must be going through your head when you just dive in there hog-tied and drown. It's always that way. Remember back in the day, they'd send you out with a lion, the Masai Mara, the Masai in Kenya, in the Bantu.

They'd send you out with a spear and go, hey, guess what you're doing? You want to be a man? Go kill a fucking lion with a spear. And they said the real man would get the lion to charge him, and as the lion would charge and jump, you let it fall on the spear. Yeah. Jesus Christ, and jump, you let it fall on the spear. Yeah.

Jesus Christ, what have you missed? You're fucking dead. I was at the MGM this last weekend for the UFC, and they have lions in the middle of the casino, dude. There's this big glass room, and there's this gigantic apex predator. And it's got a ball, and it's whacking the ball around and little kids are sitting there staring at it going look and pointing dude what i was doing i remember i was doing mad tv and i was on a set and they brought a 525 pound male lion on a chain and and it was

the lion they had they had done the drawing of lion king over and and and they were wondering why i wouldn't go near it i was up on the landing and they're like dude it's tame i was like fucking shut up what are you gonna do what do you do when its dna kicks in and it looks at me like i'm a gazelle not a fucking thing it's tame what does that mean it's 525 pounds it's a kitty cat it's still got its instincts full intact and your food your food it's one one maybe two generations removed from the fucking jungle, man. What are you going to do?

Make yourself hard to swallow? Yeah. Are you sure that he's absolutely exercised to the fullest so that he's not a little uptight and tense? Right.

Right. Maybe he's having a bad day. All this traveling might be freaking him out. That's like elephants. That's like elephants. Elephants kill their handlers, their mahouts,

all the time. Elephants, it's really interesting. Because when you talk about breaking an animal, they have to break an elephant, and it's awful. They tie a small elephant to, like, stakes, and they basically beat it. I saw this thing, this documentary. They'll break an elephant's spirit. Problem is that now you're riding your elephant, and the mahouts in India, it's like kind of a religious thing.

I think in Thailand, they will bathe it. They live with it. They spend all their time. They feed it, they bathe it, they clean it, and they get very attached to their elephants. An elephant one day just decides, you know what? This is ridiculous. You are a parasite on my back,

and I don't fucking feel like doing what you're doing, so I'm going to have, and they rage. They'll go off into a race. And when they get their handler, they, a lot of times we'll just keep, they'll, they'll stomp them till he's jelly and pull them apart with their tusk.

They pull the arms off and shit. And you're not doing a goddamn thing until he's done making mincemeat for real out of you. You know, that's why no chimps, no fucking elephants. That's the theme of this podcast. Elephants actively target

humans in some parts of the world too. Especially if they've lost loved ones to poachers. They come through villages. Yeah. If they've lost loved ones to poachers, they develop an attitude and they develop a hatred for humans. They go and attack and smash people's houses. Just smash their houses and pull them out.

They're so big and so powerful. Your house is nothing. They just walk right through your house. They literally just kick down your front door, pull people out, stab them to death. They don't give a fuck. No, it's an elephant. It's so strange when you think about Africa

and the quantity of gigantic things that can kill you there. India, too. Back in the day, a lot of people were taking tigers, cobras. A lot of people die that way in the rural areas. It's amazing. When you look at Africa, it's one of the reasons why African culture, if you look at

the rest of the world, all the inventions that have come out all these different places, the most dangerous country is Africa, and that's the place with the least amount of inventions. You don't have time. If you're living in Africa, you're actually growing up and developing in Africa, you got fucked, man. You got dropped off in some place.

You're born in an area that's filled with monsters. Yeah, but aren't they more advanced in other ways? Monsters! Like hippos. Woodworking? Stuff like that. Yeah, I mean, living their lives. I mean, there was an awesome documentary

on the Congo and these, talked about these fishermen that literally from the time that they're young, they hang off trees and there's a raging river

underneath them and they've developed this intricate system of nets that they create themselves. Wow. They make their own rope using twine from trees and shit like that.

And they're hanging from these fucking trees over this raging river. And it looks like if they fall in, they're fucked. At the very least, you're going to get smashed. You may very well drown. I mean, this is like some serious rapids. And they're scooping fish up as they do it. And they're handing the nets up.

And it's really fucking complex. And if you look at it and say, well, you know, they're very sophisticated for living in this environment. Because if it was me in that environment, well, you know, they're very sophisticated for living in this environment because if it was me in that environment, how the fuck am I going to get a fish

out of this raging, crazy sea? I'm not going to figure that shit out. My buddy lived at the Maasai in Africa, and he told me that these dudes can tell you the difference between

like a blade of grass and what it means and what kind of animal passed through and why that animal chose that blade of grass to eat. I mean, he said

they have an encyclopedic knowledge of their environment, and it's like anything else human beings adapt and and you know they use their their minds for what is relevant to their survival and their their um they're flourishing their procreation it's a trippy thing these uh tribal guys that uh hire uh well americans rather hire them to go on hunts and and they take them to Africa. Like, there's certain big game hunters that want one of everything. They're like, oh, last time I got a zebra. You know, like, they're shooting zebras and shit. I never understood that.

I never understood that trophy hunting. It's so strange to me. It's very weird. Yeah, I don't... On one hand, you know, it can be argued that hunting actually pays to, like, when you pay for a hunting tag, it pays to keep everything healthy and manage the environment.

If there's a profit in your environment, so if you're making money off of hunting, it's in everybody's interest to preserve that. You don't want to kill the goose with the golden egg. You want to keep the goose alive. Money goes towards management and conservation. That's a really tricky thing when it comes to hunting even in america like i've had i've talked to so many people about hunting and they have this crazy fucking like almost you know disney movie view of of what what eating meat is and what you know meat where meat comes from you know like man you

don't want to do that you don't want to take some deers don't want to take some deer's life. You want to do that. You're wearing leather shoes, bro. First of all, do you not understand that you have to? Do you understand that unless you want a nation filled with mountain lions, you have to kill the deer, okay? Because otherwise you're going to have no predators, and then they're going to be sick. They're going to starve to death everywhere.

You're going to be hitting them with cars. They're going to die miserable, horrible, vicious deaths. You've got to cull herds and stuff. Yeah, you have to, because otherwise they'll just, I mean, it's a natural balance. And in the way we've set up civilization, we're not allowing any predators around us, you know, which is a pretty smart thing, right? So because of that, you know, if you don't have predators and you have all these deer, you have to fucking shoot some of them. You've got to manage it.

People, they don't want to hear that, though. Not to mention venison is good. It's delicious. It's delicious. The crazy idea that you're not supposed to do that, it's such a strange argument. You know, are these fucking deer going to live forever and cure cancer? Like, what are you talking about, stupid?

They're going to die eventually anyway. By the way, let's be honest. Deer are food. I mean, come on. Yeah, they're food. They are food. They're delicious. They're beautiful.

Yes, they are definitely beautiful. I'm not saying eat all of them, but you should shoot a few every year. There's a reason they're animals of flight, because predators like them. Because they're delicious. Would you punch a deer if it wouldn't attack you back? Dude, these are dangerous. Deers fuck humans up all the time.

No, but if it wouldn't attack you back, would you... I'd throw it in the hot tub. Why would I do that? I don't know. Why would I want to hit it? I'd pet it. You would pet it?

If you had a pet deer, that would get you laid. You guys girls want to pet my deer? Every single girl in the world would be like, Oh my God, that's the cutest deer. That's so sweet. Where'd you find it? I just tamed it. I have a way with animals.

Do you remember that movie Beastmaster? Yes, I do. The dude who was like sculpted abs and no shirt. The greatest. He's just in tune with all the animals. Greatest actor of all time. Greatest actor of all time. Greatest show of all time. There, I said it.

The Beastmaster was the shit. Do I remember the Beastmaster? I fucking lived the Beastmaster. What was his deal? How was he so in tune with the animals? Well, I fucking, I took his class, I'll tell you. We don't have time right now. I took his workshop.

You took what workshop? The Beastmaster workshop. You had a workshop? No. Dr. Doolittle's. You got me really excited. I was like, I've got to I took his workshop. You took what workshop? The Beastmaster workshop. You had a workshop? You got me really excited. I was like, I've got to go to this workshop. He's the Beastmaster. Well, I had those two goddamn parrots, that was pretty much, and two dogs, and a snake. What an

asshole I was. You've had a bunch of crazy animals. Yeah, in my 30s I did. Well, you know what, man? If I could have a gigantic chimpanzee reserve in my backyard. I know. We've talked about that before.

Building some very thick wall. Managing it like a zoo environment. Just have a huge chimpanzee enclosure. I just want something that's going to protect me. I just want something next to me all the time that just might fuck you up if you give me a hard time. How would a GSP do against a chimp?

If you muzzled it. If you muzzled it. If you muzzled it. It couldn't bite you with those fucking mouth tusks. It would crush your bones. Dude, I was in the San Diego Zoo, and I was watching the mountain gorillas wrestle. They're the best wrestlers on the planet. They're so strong, man.

But they're also wrestlers. They grow up wrestling. The babies, all they do is wrestle all day. Wow.lers they that they grow up wrestling the the babies all they do is wrestle all day wow and they do good moves like gramby rolls arm drags really gorillas do arm dude arm drags gramby rolls i mean guillotines it's amazing bro it's incredible wow i was literally i'm telling you i'm not kidding when i say like ankle picks crazy shit feigns ducks it's at the San Diego Zoo. Go there.

And you can go right up to the glass. And then there's the silverback who just sits with his back to everybody. And you just look at this 600 pounds, six foot one gorilla. Six one, 600 pounds. No fat, ladies and gentlemen. No fat on it. He's 600 pounds, six one.

That's two of Brock Lesnar's, okay? I would love to watch that. And all he eats is broccoli. That's all he eats is fucking grass and broccoli. Yeah, grass and bamboo shoots and shit. I eat greens. Isn't that incredible? That big and that strong. And it's mostly to keep everybody the fuck away. Just stop.

Let me fucking eat. Just let me sit here and have some fucking vegetables. They were trying to figure out how strong a mountain gorilla is, and they couldn't figure it out. But there was this log that took like seven men to move because it was part of the exhibit, and the mountain gorilla had a little tantrum and flung the log. It flung it.

It didn't just throw it, but flung it. You know, when you fling something, it means it's really light. Like, don't fling that bottle at me. It really is a trip that they're so strong and all they do is eat vegetables. What happened to the gorilla that made it not want to just pick some animal up and start eating it one day?

I don't know. That's an interesting question. They're just total herbivores. Yeah, pretty much. I don't think they eat any meat whatsoever. Chimps eat a lot of meat. Chimps organize hunting parties. I think we've talked about this before On the show, you and I have I'm not sure if we have because it's a subject we've discussed

I never get tired of it I can go on forever talking about chimps I'll talk about fucking hunting chimps all day Did I tell you I went to a fake Fogadichow the other day? A fake one? A fake one, it's called Samba at Universal And Fogadichow If you've been there

It's like all you can eat meat. They just come and bring shit loads. It's a chuhas career they're called. So I sat there for a half hour and the only thing I got

was a guy with a sausage come over. So I'm like getting kind of pissed. And I've told this the waitress like four times. Like, all right, I want some pecan.

I want some kind of meat. I've been here for 30 minutes. Right? So then they come over with one piece of meat and slice it off and suddenly it goes boom, boom. And all these dancers come out. Like these Brazilian dancers. I've been here for 30 minutes. Then they come over with one piece of meat and slice it off. Suddenly it goes boom, boom. All these dancers come out. These Brazilian dancers. I love Brazilians.

I love that whole culture. All the meat people run away. You're just sitting there watching this show for 10 minutes. Then you come back. It was the most obvious. We only want you to eat a teeny piece of meat. Then we're going to go over here. I love dancing. I like dancing with my meat.

I love a little dancing with my meat. Yeah, I was at a restaurant once, and they started doing that, and I just was like, no, I don't want to do this. No, no, I don't like... They tried to pull me out of my chair. I'm like, no, thank you. I'll take dancers any day over the accordion and the guitar

and that singing. They just got to let you know when you're walking in the door I was in the Dominican Republic with my family, by the way family vacations are the worst but anyway yeah but I would way rather have someone play music than someone try to pull you out of your chair and make you dance

yeah that's what this chick was doing just like come on you dance it was just trying was just trying to It was just trying to confuse you So you don't realize That you're not eating meat So that you would get stuffed How do you get stuffed?

Because you're eating salad bar stuff I want to go to Brazil 30 minutes one sausage I really love I just like Brazilian Why don't you come down for the UFC? UFC is in August. UFC in Brazil.

I am there. Okay, we're going. Really? Yeah, we're going to Brazil. I'm there. Powerful. I'm saying that now on the podcast. We'll have to document that shit.

Yeah. I don't think the card has been put in place yet because it's quite a ways away. It's in August. I'm all over. So they have to figure out who they're going to book. I'm all over. I'm pretty sure it's locked in.

Is coffee better in Brazil? Coffee? Yeah. It's in August, so they have to figure out who they're going to book. I'm pretty sure it's locked in. Is coffee better in Brazil? Coffee? Brazil's not really known for their coffee, is it? No. I think it's Colombia. Hawaii. Hawaii is the best coffee. Brazilians are hot women, right? With big asses.

And Toxoplasma. That's the place where people are infected by that cat parasite. 66% of the people. What? You don't know about this? No. Oh, my brother. We've talked about it yesterday, unfortunately.

But I'll bring it up again because you're going to freak the fuck out. Fifth noted. There is a parasite called toxoplasma. And it's a cat parasite. And it infects rats. And what it does to rats is it gets the rats and rewires their sexual system and has them attracted to the smell of cat piss. So these rats start going where cat piss is.

And, like, literally, testes swell, the whole deal. The cats eat them. And now the cat has this parasite. And that's how it travels from cat to rat. And it gets to humans. And it gets to humans if they touch cat shit or if they touch it when it's in the field. And when it gets in your system, it does two things. For women,

it makes them more sexually promiscuous and it makes them more submissive. And for men, it makes them more arrogant assholes and they even have correlated it to successful soccer teams. What? When you look at countries,

because it makes you so aggressive and so reckless, and you look at countries that are successful in the World Cup, also have very high rates of toxoplasma in their population. I need to get some time. I want to fuck this sucker.

No, you don't want to because it slows your reaction time, too. I can get you some. There was a doctor on – there's a YouTube video. I really forget the guy's name. I'll have to go over it again. But it was a guy who was a toxoplasma researcher who used to work in an emergency room. And he found that when they tested people who were motorcycle accident victims a disproportionate amount of them were toxoplasma infected wow and it made them reckless it makes

you reckless and it may even slow your reaction time that's crazy it's really strange but it's a it's a you know it's a real brain altering parasite that's affected 50 million americans i just want to see what in 30 years when we've really kind of got a lot of this biochemistry chemistry down and how our bodies react and the kind of pills they're going to come up with. Well, are they going to be able to eradicate something like this?

Are you going to be able to figure out a way to send nanobots in there to kill all the... That's the question. Yeah, most likely. What the fuck would they do? How would you kill something

that becomes a brain parasite? You know, whenever people ask these questions, you know, I always think to myself, people say, well, you know, we're going to come up

with different things, but there's always going to be plain old death and there's always going to be these issues and new diseases and new mutations and stuff the body's time is finite you just have to accept that i mean make use of it what you can and keep it as healthy as possible but you must accept that it's finite i know i'm always working out though my my buddy who's a writer and doesn't do a lot of stuff he's a kind of intellectual guy and he's always looking at me and i'm working out i'm trying i'm doing my

dead list and i'm doing all this stuff and he's like look at the little man trying to stop the clock trying to slow the clock down right that's true but you know what man it does one thing for me for sure it makes me like it blows stress out no doubt it makes me feel better i think exercise i know everybody thinks it's a vanity thing and a lot of it is vanity you know there's a lot of guys you know you want to look good you want to look better you don't want to be

sexually disgusted well I also talk about like in this part of my stand up now I'm just talking about how I really also think it's genetic it's also like

you want to do a couple things one you want to look like you got to you know guys bench press there's no reason to really bench press is not kind of a useless exercise you never really do the bench good for hip escapes yeah yeah it is but

i'm just saying that usually you're not in a situation where you have to hip escape and i'm but but i got a hip escape at least three days a week but but but it's good but it's just a breeding instinct we want to fluff our feathers so girls you know see that we we've got that going and we want to look like we can fight the tiger man we want to look like we're we're you know that's why guys fucking you know you got to look like we can fight the tiger, man. We want to look like we're, you know, that's why guys fucking, you know, you got to look like you. Yeah, the bench is not really that important. No, but it's like your peacock. It's like birds, man.

It's really funny when you see some dudes that are like completely disproportionate. Like they have these weird bodies. Chicks, strippers like a big chest. I read it in Muscle and Fitness, bro. There was this one dude at the gym. He had this giant chest and giant arms. And then he used to wear sweatpants. You never saw his legs, but there's no way they could match his upper body.

His upper body was massive. And his neck was like a small man's arm. That's a terrible thing. It was this little wobbly neck. You always got to look at the neck. You got to look at the neck and the legs, actually, first. Crazy wobbly neck. I was like, this is the weirdest combination.

This guy just decided to just every day do the same goddamn exercises. Flies, pack neck, bench. Just blew up his upper body. But there's probably a complete disconnect between all three systems. I bet his body works terrible. It's probably so confused as to why it's so heavy on top. That's why when you roll with a guy like that, a lot of times he's a bodybuilder and he feels like you can move him so well.

And then you get some dude who just has got kind of a thick neck and kind of like a big base and just big legs and all of a sudden he's a tank. You're like, well, I can't even move you. Well, what a lot of people do that are like bodybuilder type strength guys, they ignore the legs and the back. Those are the most important things for your movement. Your legs and all the way up through your upper back. Your core, your ability to stay and keep your own position and the ability to resist being pushed around

and your ability to push off with your legs. That's the most important thing. So when guys are always doing bench presses and shit, you're concentrating on the dumbest shit. You're concentrating on most of the least important shit. I was going to ask you. Obviously, I'm a huge UFC fan, and you talk about this a lot, so I don't want to talk about it too much.

But one thing I always notice, and when I watch it with a lot of my friends, we always talk about how detailed your knowledge is about the fight game. You've always been a fighter, and you boxed, and you did a lot of taekwondo, and you wrestled, and you did jiu-jitsu, and you continue to. But how much has your understanding of fighting evolved do you think it's evolved a lot or have you always kind of had it yeah well you're just watching the fights it it evolves because you see more things you know you see more i don't just watch ufc i always watch like k1 like i'm a big fan of uh k1 kickboxing and muay thai and jelly but don't you think it's jelly brian and the jelly the jelly the jelly is good too but don't i don't know what And jelly. But don't you think it's interesting that... Jelly, Brian? And the jelly. The jelly?

The jelly is good, too. I don't know what you're talking about. Don't you think... K-1 jelly. I don't know what you're talking about. Jackass. But don't you think it's... Are you surprised that you're watching really great wrestlers like Maynard and...

What's his name? Frank Edgar? Yeah, watching two top-flight college collegiate wrestlers box now. It's like becoming, it looks like it's becoming, it's almost like I'm starting to see why boxing even came about. It kind of like evolved into boxing ultimately, you know? Well, I don't think so. I think what it is with those two guys is they're both really good wrestlers

and it's really hard to take each other down. So it's almost like, and they want to stand and bang because it starts to become like uh you know a thing you know like you know he's going to meet me in the center of the octagon and we're just going to sling leather right you know and you know hey if he wants to stand with me you know there's a lot of that so there's guys want to knock guys out it's the best feeling in the world i'm sure and guys want to submit guys too and i think both guys are really difficult to take down and so when you're really difficult to take each other down it's like what are we going to do we're going

to try to take each other down nobody really wants to go to the ground anyway it's exhausting he'd rather stand up you know what i mean well the quickest way to win i mean if you can't catch a submission obviously he's win by knockout and gray maynard has some heavy heavy hands as you saw in that fight dude i've never seen anybody hit so many times in the first round get hurt so many times and come back and win the next round. That kid is incredible. Dude, Ray Maynard is a beast, man. He rocked him with a left hook and then just started beating on him, man.

I mean, it was anybody else. You said you've seen him as high as 190s? He gets big. He gets big. He's a really thick kid. He's very, very muscular. I know. He's got those lats that go all the way down to his hips.

He's one of those guys that when he cuts weight, he has to diet for a long time. He has to know in advance when he's fighting. He has to diet, get his body fat real low, and then slowly dehydrate himself. They have it down to a science. When he gets in the octagon, he's not 155. He's probably 165, 170, somewhere around that. He's big. He's very heavy.

Yeah, no doubt. Super strong. I couldn't believe that Frankie He's big. He's very heavy. Yeah, no doubt. Super strong. And I couldn't believe that Frankie Edgar could fucking take those shots, man. It was crazy. He's just incredible. He just kept going, man. He would not quit. There were several opportunities for him to quit where he was just getting bombed on.

That if he wanted to give it up, he could have just given it up. He never for a minute quit. It was so impressive. I'd be very interested to see how he or Maynard did against Jose Aldo. Yeah, you're talking to me, baby. Well, apparently they're going to rematch, which I think these guys are going to rematch, which I think is going to be fantastic.

I think when you've got a fight that's that close, God, it was so close. There's so many arguments like, what was the first round? Was it a 10-8 round? Some guys have said it could have been a 10-7. Obviously, I'm not a judge. I don't really score the fights that way. But I think if I looked at it, you looked at it as far as rounds won.

And fuck, it's close. It's real close. The big thing is the first round. How much damage did you give Maynard in the first round? Because a lot of the other rounds were like, man, there's a few of them that were really close. Just incredible that Edgar could come back like that. It's incredible.

What's your call on the- Maynard adjusted really well, man, there's a few of them that were really close. Just incredible that Edgar could come back like that. It's incredible. It's incredible. What's your call on the, uh, Maynard adjusted really well too. Cause he almost punched himself out in the, in this first round. And I know he's having a hard time, but then the third round, he got loose again. So he came right back. So, you know,

you always say wrestling wrestling and you've been wrestling since you were that young and you've been learning how to suck weight and you, and you have to train that hard. They're so mentally tough. You know, they're the most mentally tough athletes, for sure. I went to Dan Gable's intensive wrestling camp when I was in high school, and they trained us so hard. That's when I decided I'm not wrestling in college.

This is a nightmare. I'm not doing this. Dan Gable was famous for that. Well, you know, Dan Gable also has, like, two hip replacements. Yeah, two fake hips and two fake knees. Yeah, that's crazy. He really literally wore his body down to the bone. Well, he does that with his wrestlers, apparently.

It's a mental thing. Like, he'll just wear you down to the point where... But, you know, the real interesting argument about that is the Eastern Europeans, they don't do it. There's like a bunch of motherfuckers. I swear to God, I just... Oh, it's the other phone. I have two phones in my office.

Holy shit. That's what happens when you're a billionaire. You know when your kid and your mom told you to don't crack your knuckles because it makes your fist bigger? What's that? Do you remember when your kid and your mom told you not to crack your knuckles because it would make your knuckles bigger? Did you ever hear that?

I always thought, oh yeah, I'm going to crack my knuckles so I have a bigger fist and I can punch people better. I think I just started cracking all my knuckles to think that's how I'm building my body's muscle up, and I forgot that that doesn't really work. Oh, man. I'm just glad I don't have to fight for a living. That's a hard life. I respect those guys.

That's the last of our phone problems, I swear to God. I disconnected both of them. You need to get rid of your home phones. Who uses home phones? What's your call on... I live up here. There's no cellular service. What's your call on Silva?

Vitor and Anderson. It's an interesting fight, you know? Vitor is a really dangerous guy, as far as his hands. He's really dangerous. He's so fast. You saw the Rich Franklin fight, how quick he took out Franklin?

Yeah, it's crazy. If he unloads on you like that and catches you, he comes with a swarm of punches, man. I know. The only problem that Vitor's had is in the past, he's had a harder time in the second and third rounds maintaining the same intensity. He's had some mental issues, but he had a lot of real serious personal issues. I know. His sister was kidnapped and murdered.

It's terrible. Yeah, a lot of hard stuff happened to lot of hard stuff happened worst thing to ever go through yeah and then he's such a sweet person and you know you have to make a living so you have to fight so you're forced to take fights when you're not in a good state and i'm not making any excuses for the guy but traditionally if you uh watch his fights he's very very strong in the beginning of the fight the issues that he has is in second and third rounds. Yeah. So at 185, the idea is that he killed those issues because it was before that he was carrying around too much muscle. And now he's much leaner at 185. It's his natural weight, isn't it?

Yeah. He's probably a bit bigger than that in real life, probably closer to 200 pounds. But when he's in lean shape, like ready for a fight, yeah. He's so ridiculously athletic. He always was. Super fast. His reflexes

and his jiu-jitsu is great now right it's very good yeah you know he's had like yeah he's had some issues in the past like all-star over him submitted him but you know the reality is a lot of that was probably fatigue if you're tired man you leave your neck out there and a guy like all-star jumps on it doesn't matter who you are no it doesn't you know if you're fighting an mma fight you're not adequately physically prepared it's you going to do some stupid shit. It's why to me MMA is the greatest sport because it requires everything. It requires like literally not just your courage and you have to be in top physical shape, but you know, anything can happen. The margin for error is so slim. You make one mistake, you get tired. And even the training you have to go through to become a really good boxer,

to become a really good wrestler, to become and to stay in really good shape, that's just a full-time job all the time. Yeah, and what happens is you have to decide where you're going to dedicate your time. Is it going to be to strength and conditioning? Is it going to be to working your skills? Because you only have a certain amount of hours in a day and a certain amount of resources in your physical body. Exactly.

You're going to burn yourself out to the point where you can't recover. And there's no money in it. I mean, the other thing is it's a thankless job, man. Well, at the high levels there is, though. At the high levels, there's rock star money. You know, like, George St. Pierre is balling. That guy's making ridiculous money. Crazy money, yeah.

You know, like, Brock Lesnar made ridiculous money. I mean, anybody who can sell tickets. Chuck Liddell, ridiculous money. But it's the guys who can sell pay-per-views the guys who can get a piece of the action the guys who are

legit stars what the UFC's done that's so smart that a lot of people are upset about is they've made the name UFC bigger than any fighter

that's the smartest thing that anyone's ever done the whole thing is the brand name is bigger than any fighter and the good thing about that is everyone in the organization that's in there, they can get them to fight each other. And when you have outside, there's a bunch of different promotions,

the argument for that, against that rather, is what's going on with Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao. They just won't fucking fight each other. It's like Floyd Mayweather just doesn't want to fight him. He just keeps putting it off. I want drug testing I want to take his blood Ten minutes before the fight

Which is fucking I mean they just They're convinced Manny Pacquiao's on steroids But then you look At his last fight He was 20 fucking pounds lighter He's so crazy

Than Margarito Dude 20 pounds lighter Than Margarito Margarito's an animal And he knew This was a big comeback fight For him And walks around at 175

Yeah he's a big dude And has never actually Been hurt I don't think Margarito's an animal, and he knew this was a big comeback fight for him. And walks around at 175 or whatever. Yeah, he's a big dude. And has never actually been hurt, I don't think, Margarito. Not like that. And Pacquiao, he figures your game out. Sugar Shane Mosley, by the way, stopped him. So I shouldn't say he has never been hurt. That's not true.

I forgot about that fight. That was the fight where, I can't believe I forgot about that fight. Because that was the fight where he got exposed for having plaster in his gloves. No, that was actually the Dakota fight. No, no, no. No, it's sugar shane really yes absolutely that's why he came out like almost dejected and humiliated and was suspended right and sugar shane mosley beat the fucking shit out of him and that was a fight where a lot of people were saying well one of the reasons why i bet he got his ass kicked he probably felt super guilty you know they got

caught with his hand in the cookie jar that he had been doing that to people for a long time a lot of people suspected i'm sure he like broke up coda a long time a lot of people suspected I'm sure he like broke up Kodo he broke up a lot of guys yeah it's really dangerous man I mean frankly to be honest with you

I would have banned him for life for that yeah that's ridiculous I mean it's kind of ridiculous that he only got a year banned I think it's outrageous if they could prove that he had done it more

even just proving that he did it once I also think I also personally think anybody who does that and lets their trainer do that I think the whole camp

is scumbaggy I think that's just a scumbag move. It's dangerous and it's shitty. You're putting plaster in 2010. You're putting plaster

in your wraps. It's the worst. Wow. It's the worst. Meanwhile, what I said, Manny Pacquiao, 20 pounds fucking lighter

lights him up like a Christmas tree. But nobody's come close to this guy. He's probably the greatest fighter ever. He is. I really think

he's the greatest boxer ever. He's won in eight different weight divisions. I mean, how do you argue against that, right? I don't know. I mean,

if you see what he does to all these different fighters. Oh, by the way, he divisions. I mean, how do you argue against that, right? I don't know. I mean, if you see what he does to all these different fighters. Oh, by the way, he's a politician, too. Oh, and by the way, when he fights all of his country,

all of the Philippines, stops to watch. Crime goes down. No pressure, Manny. And he goes in there like, hey, hey, what's up, everybody? Hi, how are you? He's waving to dudes

in the stands before he fights. They even tried to hype up this fight by talking about how his training camp hasn't been going so good. Like, you watch the HBO 24-7. Man, he's so distracted.

Man, he's so distracted. Meanwhile, he gets in there. Ba-da-bing-bing-bing. Ba-da-bing-bing-bing. I got this. The dude is just watching fireworks grow off. He's standing in front of that little fucking lightning bolt that's flying left and right.

He's seeing little sparks in front of his eyes every 10 seconds. He's like Roberto Duran when he was younger, but way better. He's got that similar, he touches his belt, he comes in, he does that weird da-da-da-da. He loves fighting too, man. Even though he has so much to lose, he still loves fighting. He's a born fighter.

That's what I think is the hardest thing, is when you become that big a celebrity and you have that many fans and you get into a ring, you have a lot to lose. And the great champions can somehow put that out of their heads. He seems like it makes him elevate. It makes him better. It seems like the weight of these people behind him just makes him better.

Some people talk trash, it doesn't work. Some other people do. Like Chael Sonnen obviously talking trash the way it does, it helps him, it works for him. I don't know. Well, the thing about Manny Pacquiao too is that he seems to be Doing everything perfectly Like he seems to be

A really nice guy Yeah didn't you tell me He also plays pool Like really well Like professional level He plays better than me He plays professional level pool That's crazy

Yeah The one thing he's not good At is singing apparently Well yeah He plays karaoke and shit But give him some time He'll probably get good at that too If he really wanted to

We'll be buying his albums If people talk enough shit About his singing He'll probably hire voice at that too. If you really wanted to, if people talk enough shit about his singing, he'll probably hire voice coaches and just become one of the badass opera singers of our generation. We'll just never be able to deny him. He's just a bad motherfucker. Him versus old Tyson,

who would you go with? Oh, come on. He's a tiny guy. I know, but if it was... If they were the same size... Well, you know, that was the most interesting thing about Tyson when he was young

is that he moved like a man much smaller than him. Yeah, he did. You watch like the Mike Tyson-Marvis Frazier fight. That is one of the most disturbing boxing matches ever because Marvis knew what was going to happen. We knew what was going to happen. Tyson knew what was going to happen. The announcers knew what was going to happen.

You know, they were all talking about it. This is, you know, a lot of people saying this is a mismatch. And then Tyson just comes raring at him moving like look in in frames you're not even seeing all of his movements because he's moving so goddamn fast and all of a sudden he's hurling these left hooks in your direction and you feel your rib rib cage imploding and before you even react to it another one's hit you on the other side of the head he was having trouble finding sparring partners yeah because he was crushing people people too badly he moved so fast that was the thing he didn't move like ali where he you know would would move with

fancy footwork and dance around joe frazier style but but but different because with both hands you know he would throw rights and lefts with equal abandon you know whereas joe frazier was a big left hooker and he had a decent right hand but it was nothing like tyson's right tyson's famous for that right hook to the body right uppercut combination he was a decent right hand, but it was nothing like Tyson's. Tyson's famous for that right hook to the body, right uppercut combination. He was a fucking, for one brief moment, one brief period of history, he changed that whole sport.

He changed watching boxing. Watching boxing was never watching an execution. When Marvin Hagler was fighting good guys, like when he was fighting John the Beast Mugabe, it was like a big fight. Everybody got excited about it. They were like, holy shit, Mugabe's a knockout puncher. It was a fight. Mugabe knocked out Terry Norris. Mugabe it was like a big fight everybody got excited about it like holy shit Mugabe's a knockout puncher

and it was a fight Mugabe knocked out Terry Norris Mugabe's a bad motherfucker Mugabe's got serious power you know this could be the fight for Hagler Mike Tyson's fights were executions

it's like here's Bruce Seldon here's Mike Tyson look at Bruce Seldon's knee shake you know all of a sudden Tyson's charging after him boom the fight's over well you know what they said

is that Don King used to set up monitors and he'd have a highlight reel of Tyson knocking dudes out and when you were going to fight him he would always set the monitors up so that the fighter in the MGM room would have to walk through that. Oh my god. And Don King was nuts that way. And so you'd be fighting him and you'd just

see these highlight reels of him like like just crushing dudes in slow motion. That makes sense. Pay attention. Don't look at the monitors. Pay attention. You gotta go fight Mike Tyson. Some of those guys were so intimidated. like just crushing dudes in slow motion that makes sense pay attention don't look at the monitors pay attention you gotta go fight Mike Tyson

some of those guys were so intimidated that's a huge advantage I met him one time in Vegas Tyson and you know

he's put on weight but he's so thick like his hand is so thick his hips and his head everything is just so wide you're like

you're just a different human being I never grew, everything is just so wide. You're like, you're just a different human being. I never grew. Yeah, well, he was just so compact and fast. He was a new model heavyweight, shorter than six feet tall. To me, if you were to pick the prototype of what I like, just the ultimate top of the food chain dude, that's what I'd like to look like.

I'd always wear black shorts and black shoes. Well, do you remember when he came out of prison and he was super yoked? He came out of prison and in prison all he was doing was push-ups and sit-ups and dips and getting tattooed with fucking controversial features. Arthur Ashe and Mao Zedong. Mao Zedong killed about 40 million people. Crazy is the Arthur Ashe tattoo. It's like, all right, dude, I got you.

Day is a grace. He's a fantastic motherfucker. Che Guevara. He's got Che tattooed on him too, doesn't he? I know, yeah. Doesn't he? Che and Al. Yeah, he's a fascinating motherfucker, man.

He is. For that brief moment, like I said, that guy, he changed the whole sport. Changed the whole sport. And he lost his trainer, right? Well, he lost a bunch of things. There was a bunch of things that happened. You know, fame happened.

And also, it's almost impossible to keep up the level of RPpms that he was operating at you know when he was at the very top of his game when he was like challenging for the heavyweight title and he was training you know getting up at five o'clock in the morning every time running once once you know once girls start coming into the picture and money starts coming in the picture and well you know he said you know he said that todd phillips recently and the hangover too and he goes um that todd told me the story and it was funny we were talking about the power of women and how you know they how, you know,

no matter how much money you make and stuff, women are always kind of in a rush, you know. And Mike Tyson said to Todd, he goes, man, I've had it all. I've had money. I've had fame. But if God invented anything better than pussies, he's keeping it for himself. That's great. He's keeping it for himself. That's great He's keeping it for himself

That's brilliant Oh my god That might be the wisest thing Anyone's ever said ever That's right man That's genius That should be in a book somewhere Someone

Folks Someone put that Put that as your avatar As your signature at the bottom You know you want to do that For your screen name That's right You need that

God damn that's brilliant Did you see that guy that we talked about yesterday i don't know if you saw this or not brian uh there's this homeless guy that has this really awesome radio voice and uh he was a bum on the side of the road and this guy just filmed him and like you know it was like here you know here's some money and the guy's like why thank you very much and it was just like the most creepiest video anyways a day after it's really good really? yeah

play it for Brian it's really quick I wish I I've always wanted to have you can do it get the fuck out of here you can do any voice I always tell people

no but I want I want a voice that's just naturally just got a lot of gravel in it just a sexy kind of like a lumberjack voice just a guy who keeps you real calm

and gets you real horny when he talks. How old are you, 20? Are you Craig Shoemaker? Are you the love master? You're 17 years old, you look every bit of 20 to me, all right. All right, here. Creepy.

Oh, wait, no, no, that's not it. Great, and now this place is flooded with... Dude, I always tell people there's two funniest moments now, the funniest moments ever. One of them was in the hotel, you and me and Eddie Bravo and Larry and a couple other dudes, and we were really super baked, and you went into your Brazilian jiu-jitsu rapist character. Oh, my God, dude.

I remember laughing until I literally couldn't breathe. I've said, this is the funniest moment I've ever had in my life. There's that moment, and the other moment is Joey Diaz on the Alex Jones Show. Those two moments. I haven't seen that. You have to see it. It's the most ridiculous thing ever. You know, Alex Jones Show is all chemtrails are taking up our skies.

Oh, yeah, yeah. There's biochips. They're doing it. They're putting it inside children's cereal, ladies and gentlemen. With the elitists, they want to lower the population and vaccines. And, you know, it's all like crazy. We need to buy gold. You know, he gets nutty.

And Joey Diaz is on there. Joey Diaz comes on because Alex is my friend. And I've known Alex for like 10 years. And he's right about a lot of things. I mean, he's really right about a lot of things. And I think the only way to chase things down the way that guy does, you got to be a little loony. Yeah. So he's a little loony.

But he's a great guy. Alex Jones is a great guy. But he's got this conspiracy theory right wing kind of a radio show. And Joey comes on. And we go on to the internet break. But Brian, cue that shit up. Here's the homeless guy.

Yeah, play the homeless guy first. I'm going to make you work for your dollar. Say something with that great radio voice. When you're listening to nothing but the best of oldies, you're listening to Magic 98.9. All right, you can kill it. Thank you so much. That's amazing.

So that guy got a job now. So anyways, yesterday, that video hit. Today, was it the Colts gave him a house and a job working for him? Is it the Colts? I think, yeah, the Cleveland Colts or whoever the Cleveland guys. That's great. Find out who it is because we should give them props. Is it the Colts? I think, yeah, the Cleveland Colts or whoever the Cleveland guys are. That's great. Find out who it is because we should give them props.

Cavaliers. The Cavaliers. What's the Colts? The Cavs. Cavaliers are a basketball team. So they picked him up as their announcer? Yeah. Well, they offered Williams a full-time job doing voiceover work for the team and a free home in Cleveland.

Dude, the internet is a motherfucker. I love it. In one day, that guy got a house. Brings us all together, ladies and gentlemen. It's beautiful and it's a great story. It's a brilliant PR move. There was also a video of my friend was giggling and showed me this thing and I looked at it and it was a man demonstrating himself.

Yeah, I've seen a few of those. Great, that's what I don't need the internet for. I watched one where a guy tied off his balls with rubber bands and detailed every single aspect of the balls dying and him cutting off the balls

with a serrated knife. I didn't see that. I saw the hatchet job. Oh, criminy, criminy, criminy. There's a lot of crazy motherfuckers out there, dude. God damn. I wonder if this homeless shit's going to catch on

and all these homeless people are going to start trying to do voices. So now there's just going to be tons of homeless people coming up. You're going, hey, how's it going? Hey, can I have some? I think there'll be like a slow incubation period before it hits the homeless people because most of them don't have any internet. So it's going to take like six months

of somebody trying to drag them into a library. Mikey, you got to see this. Is it heroin? If it's not, take like six months of somebody trying to drag him into a library. Mikey, you've got to see this. Is it heroin? If it's not, I'm not going. That's in January 2011. This guy got a job. We need an act. This is like a Fred Flintstone movie.

We need an act. Unless they start eating. This is Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. Unless they start reading their toilet paper. Do you remember Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble? There's always scams to get rich Always coming up with things They always had some new scam

Fred we gotta come up with an act We're gonna start a band We need something You remember He was always like Trying to figure out his shit And his wife was always Cock blocking and holding him down

My buddy My buddy Has Asperger's syndrome Really And he's 50 And he's really smart But he's also completely crazy And we were driving

And he's 50 And he looks at me And he goes I've been thinking about something I go what he goes I think we should

start a band and I go wow that's a really good idea Johnny is he driving or are you driving I'm driving he goes

thank god he goes do you think so I go I do think so the only issue is that I don't think either one of us sings or plays an instrument so what would we do he goes well you know you're charismatic so you could figure something out

you know and i would i i do sing i do sing um i've always had music inside of me i go okay but if you sing that's good i don't i'm a shower singer so what would i do and he's like you know like just a tambourine and plus you could just be the leader of the band i was like you're the be the leader of the band. I was like, you're the greatest human being of all time. I'll do that in a heartbeat. So anyway, anybody who wants to join me and Johnny's band, please, please give me a call.

Can they get and hold you on Twitter? Are you going to have auditions for the band? You know, I would, but for me, it's funny. I wish I played an instrument. I never had the patience. What fascinates me is why some people choose certain instruments. Like the guitar I get it You get laid

The piano The drums But the tuba That's the dumbest Fucking instrument There's not even A song really You need a huge brass band

And you only play Boom boom boom Boom boom There's no real Full songs for the tuba Or like What else There's a couple

Like the accordion Certain things That people have A calling for that fascinate me. I always used to love, what was that movie, the Spike Lee movie about jazz with Denzel Washington? Do you know that movie? What was that called? Mo' Better Blues.

Yeah, Mo' Better Blues. Yeah, and I used to love watching, like, the part where Denzel Washington would take out his trumpet and he would clean it. It was like a ritual. trumpet and he would clean it. It was like a ritual. And then he would go through all his practice routines. He was so disciplined about his practice.

Well, trumpet players. Chicks would try to get at him. Like, I got to practice. I got to practice, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Wynton Marsalis talks about that. He's considered by many to be the greatest jazz trumpeter in the world. Was he the dude that was on The Tonight Show? Or was it his brother?

No, that was his brother, Branford. But Wynton is considered a real maestro, like in the same pantheon as Yo-Yo Ma, or even Louis Armstrong. So he's just completely dedicated to the art of the trumpet. Yeah, by the time he was 19, he was on a physical, technical level with the trumpet that was so far superseded anybody in the field almost.

And they also say, and I've heard this from people like Harry Connick Jr. and stuff, who say that he does things on a trumpet level with the trumpet that you know was so far superseded anybody in the field almost and and they also say and i've heard this from people like harry connick jr and stuff who say that he does things on a trumpet you're not physically supposed to be able to do like your fingers aren't supposed to be able to do that stuff really yeah and and because he can just move them so fast yeah i mean the dexterity and the things that he does but he talks a lot about um you know just just what practice means and the kind of thing that I believe he still blows on a reed an hour a day, you know, which is like a beginner's thing. But he says, you know, the daily practice, the daily adherence to practice is what changes everything. And not only that, he also talks about like when you do a performance, you come off and you've got a high and you've you killed it that energy a lot of people go well i'm gonna have a

couple drinks and celebrate actually what a guy like that'll do is go i got all this new all this new energy and he goes and shuts himself in the room and practices even more with that newfound sort of rush that energy and you know he talks about the difference between being truly great and truly original and being like everybody else. Those kinds of things. Like pushing yourself to that level. Everybody has their own process, of course. But nobody practices as much as he does.

Yeah, that discipline, the adherence to discipline is so attractive in my mind. It's so what I would like to be doing. I stay as disciplined as i can but i'm so fucking impulsive there's so many different things that are entering into my interests all the time and part of me says well that's where some of my creative creativity comes from is this fascination with a constant need for you know all this new information and new things and yeah but it's also it's also a distraction yeah it's massive and i also think that in some ways like i always think that you get to a certain point in your life

Where you in a way know everything that you need to know To create something perfect and beautiful Yeah, but it's not It's new current shit Which is the most fascinating thing to me The crazy thing about what's going on on the internet now Is every goddamn day You get Twitter messages

And message board messages On the rogan board where it's all these new incredible scientific discoveries all these new weird things that are happening around the world like the thousand fucking thousands of birds that have died and fallen from the sky in arkansas and everybody's going what the fuck is going on you know and i heard that's viral just because they're filming angry birds right now what that's just viral videos are you serious for the angry birds movie are you serious i think that's that's a rumor that's going on there's no way you're gonna kill thousands no no no they think what happened they actually think what happened was that's like the fireworks jail

the fireworks new year's actually roused them from their sleep and they ran they couldn't see and ran into like different chimneys and everything they just they they they flew oh that doesn't make sense because there's thousands of them and they're over fields and ran into like different chimneys and everything. They just, they flew. Oh, that doesn't make sense because there's thousands of them and they're over fields and shit. Thousands of them got scared and fell from the sky dead. Yeah, apparently.

That doesn't sound right. Sounds like a bird flu or something maybe. It sounds like they fucking poisoned them or something. That sounds more likely. There's a toxicity in the air.

Yeah, there's probably some, you know, cloud or something. There's the conspiracy theory angle. There's a bunch of people that are trying to pawn it off on this one guy. I should know this man's name, so I'm going to look it up

right now. But this guy just got killed, and he was a chemical weapons expert. And he was tortured and murdered. Really? Yeah. And they think there's some sort of a connection to it. That the guy turned up missing in... He turned up missing

in, I think in Delaware, and they found him in a landfill. He had been murdered. Yeah, and they believe that this guy was, yeah, here he is. Top U.S. official. Yeah, he, it's really kind of creepy, man. Their stories are very bizarre,

because this guy was like, he worked under George Herbert Walker Bush as well, are because this guy was like uh he he worked under george herbert walker bush as well and he's an expert in um in um um weapons in um biological weapons and chemical weapons it's crazy shit man and uh the the of course the conspiracy angle is that uh they were testing something and killed all these birds off and he might have protested or freaked out or you know i've been i spent a lot of time reading history and i one of the things I like about doing that as opposed to even looking at where we're headed is how little, how much changes,

but also how little changes in a lot of ways. The man's name is John P. Wheeler. For anybody who wants to look into the story, John, H-A-O-H-N, P. Wheeler, W-H-E-E-L-E-R. And just type that into Google and I'm sure a bunch of different stories will come up on this guy. This is something that somebody printed.

Do all the websites end with, like, I-S or anything? No, some of them are... Well, the ones that are legit, the legit ones that aren't claiming any sort of conspiracy, those are interesting, because what they talked about is the fact that this guy's television was turned on full blast,

and it freaked out his neighbors, because he was really kind of a quiet guy and he was an older guy. They didn't understand why his television was blasting like that. Well, television really loud is one of the ways they hide the sounds of torture. So they found this guy's house and there was yellow police tape

in his kitchen and they pulled up floorboards and they roped off a chair. So the idea is that it's very possible they might have tortured this guy before they killed him. They might have tortured him in his own house and then they killed him and then took him off a chair. So the idea is that it's very possible they might have tortured this guy before they killed him. They might have tortured him in his own house, and then they killed him, and then they took him to a dump. Damn. Yeah, it's interesting when a guy has that sort of a background.

That's weird. Like I said, I'm not saying by the conspiracy theory. I'm saying, first of all, it's creepy that this guy got fucking tortured and murdered, or at the very least murdered. The tortured part is speculation at this point, but it's an interesting little thing. I don't know if it has anything to do with all these birds falling from the sky.

You could pretty much connect anyone from that story to that story if you really had to type that. Without, yeah, just guesswork. Yeah, sure. Basically, we're just making pieces of fiction. We don't really know if he's connected to it. But the idea is, oh, dude, that's what I want to talk to you about. In Abu Dhabi this year, they made it

rain 52 times. Did you know that? They made it rain? Cloud seeding. Silver eye dark. They've been doing cloud seeding since the 70s. They probably made it rain there more than 52 times. They've been doing cloud seeding for many, many years. Yeah, but this is something that they've come public about and that

Abu Dhabi is using. They're using it as a weekly strategy. They're like, I mean, 52 times. That's like once a week, man. That's crazy. If they choose to space it out like that. They want to make it greener. They're very ambitious, yeah.

How crazy is that? Where are they getting the drawing the water from if it wasn't there before, though? Apparently, there's moisture in the air, and especially where they live, they're near a lot of ocean. And there's moisture in the air, and you have to coax it out. i mean what are the repercussions what are

the repercussions of that i mean what is the i mean how safe is it to be spraying shit in the air well they've been doing it for many years i mean um they've always done cloud seeding i don't know how effective it is and i don't know how good they've gotten at it but um i know that that's been around for since at least the 70s I think they're getting better at it. Yeah. This Abu Dhabi thing was fascinating because I've never heard

it discussed on like CNN.com or you know any major news website but that's what they were talking about. Abu Dhabi is very is I guess

from what I've read becoming really ambitious. They really want to become sort of the new Arab that's center for the new Arab world. You know sort of the

beacon of light if you will for a different way of doing things yeah they got crazy paper dude they got crazy paper they got crazy paper but but living like that man making artificial fucking rain showers holy shit that's crazy you know it's just you always wonder does that is it is that going to affect something somewhere else like is is forcing it to rain somewhere else forcing like a fucking hurricane to to grow over here on the other side? I mean, isn't the sky hole somehow or another connected? Isn't the environment connected? No, I don't think so.

No? No, I don't think that localized rain seeding and cloud seeding is going to change. Over how big of an area do you think you can get away with it before it starts fucking with things? Well, but that's the thing. I don't think you can do it over a large area. It's hard to do, I think. If they figure out how to do it all the time, and obviously they have.

They've done it 52 times. That's pretty consistent. If they just decide to do that, that would be such a trip. If all of a sudden we went over to Abu Dhabi and it was like West Palm Beach, Florida. I think that's where it's at. In a way, we're headed. We are becoming more and more in control of our environment, or at least trying to be.

But then again, we're also losing some control of it if you buy into the whole global warming. That's the story of the Anunnaki. That's the story from the Sumerian text, the reason why human beings were invented, the whole Zechariah-Sitchin craziness. You know about all this? The story was that these alien beings from another planet

came to Earth because they had ruined their atmosphere with their technological race. And so they ruined their atmosphere and they needed gold particles to suspend in their atmosphere to protect them from radiation and the sun and shit like that. That's pretty wild. Yeah, and that they had done exactly

what we're about to do right now. And it's the most ridiculous thing ever. It's called The Twelfth Planet, and he wrote it back in 1970. But what's fascinating is the idea of suspending particles in the atmosphere, that had never been discussed until like the year 2000,

and they had like a global symposium on protecting the Earth from environmental hazards like losing the ozone layer, losing our atmosphere. And that was one of the suggestions, suspend reflective particles in the atmosphere. That's pretty wild. Yeah, you could do that.

You could fill the sky with silver and gold particles. Well, gold, the crazy thing about gold is a tiny little piece of gold can spread out so far. Gold dust is so fine. It's like incredible. Well, we're moving. The other issue is that you're actually, they just created bacteria strains from a computer.

In other words, they cross-pollinated DNA and created life forms, bacteria forms that have never existed on Earth. It's called synthetic biology. This guy Craig Venter and his team, if you go to TED.com, you can see his lecture. And when they, for the first time on a printer, they printed out essentially the structure for a completely new life form.

And that has far-reaching implications in the sense that for the first time, human beings might very well be able to control their own evolution and certainly create new life forms. Dude, that is going to be such a fucking mess. They're going to create robot berserkers in Russia. Well, yeah, it comes with great promise, but also peril. I'm investing in fire for those printers. Yeah, no shit. You can't get me with your paper monster. What the fuck are you doing?

You're going to make new life forms with your computer? How nuts is that? Fuck. Things are getting weird. It's getting so weird. I think it's going to get to a point where we won't really be able to figure out.

I'm reading this. You guys, if you ever just take three months and do it. Or two months. I'm reading Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy's masterpiece. It's considered by, when they reviewed it in 1985, they said this is one of the great feats of language in the past 50 years.

Is it a novel? Yeah, it's a novel, and it's about sort of the settling of the West, and it follows this track, this group of 19 or so men who are hunting Indians, hunting scalps. It's a brutal book. What's it called again? It's called Blood Meridian. Blood Meridian. Yeah, and we all know what happened. A lot of people people may not but what happened to the native americans and it's it's the same old story of one group comes in with guns and they basically decimate you know

not just with disease but with bullets and everything else but um god i forgot what i was going to say but it was about um oh yeah what i was going to say is that and if you look at what happened as they started settling the West, is that the Europeans were killing not just all the buffalo, they were killing all the other animals as well. They got really efficient at it, because as they lay the railroad, they would shoot buffalo, and then they would lace the bodies with strychnine. Now, why would you do that? Because all the other animals would feed on the buffalo, and they would die of the strychnine. So then you could skin them and send all those pelts to Europe and to the east and to the east coast and stuff where

there was big money. So in a course of 20 years, probably 500 million animals died. If you look at old paintings and pictures of the Great Plains in America, they looked like the Serengeti. And in a course of 20 years, literally we killed all the buffalo and so many other animals, not just the wolves that fed on the buffalo until we killed them, but everything else. And so what happened for a lot of the Native Americans was their entire mythology, entire mythology, their religions were wrapped up with their environment and the animals around them. And in 20 years, they were all gone. Forget the fact that they were starved to death, but their very mythology, their very religion, the cornerstone of their culture was eradicated. And you really wonder what

psychologically they were going through as they saw this true holocaust sort of unfold for them. It's so rapid when you think about how short of a time period that is. Right. And I always think, are we going to come up with a certain kind of technology that does the same to us? That's the question. I mean, nothing says that our culture and our way of life and our even lives are guaranteed by anything. I mean, if you're very religious, you believe it is. But for people who tend to have more of a scientific bent or take a real look at history, it's very possible that there are threats out there eventually, maybe of our own design, that could render us extinct or at least— Maybe of our own design.

Yeah. The idea is that life keeps going in a direction of more complexity. Yeah. Things getting more and more complicated. of more complexity. Things getting more and more complicated. And the issue with the Indians was you're dealing with, okay, American Indians, Native Americans were dealing with people that were

so fucking crazy. They were willing to get in boats and go across the ocean and look for a better place to live. And then just trek out on their own to the middle of the fucking country. This giant continent that was literally filled with people that were living like the rest of the fucking country, this giant continent that was literally filled

with people that were living like the rest of the world. They were living like much, much, much more modern. I mean, American Indians before we had introduced, or the Spaniards rather, had introduced horses to them. I mean, they were like nomadic, teepee living, arrow shooting motherfuckers, you know? I mean, it was really crazy. It's like they were living just like the people that they find today in the the amazon rainforest they're still finding people like that today they found a bunch of new tribes there's like i i god i can't remember the number

but they have this fascinating photo of one that they found that's near the peru and brazil border and their skin is covered with ink they're covered with with red ink. And two of them are red, and one of them looks like a black color. And they're just covered with this crazy war paint, and they're holding bows, and they're pointing arrows at the airplanes as the airplanes take pictures of them. These are undiscovered, untouched tribes

that are completely isolated from the rest of the world. That's wild. So that's really what American Indians were like, Native Americans were like. And unfortunately, whatever the fuck humanity is doing here on this planet, what we're trying to do is more, better, faster, bigger. What the fuck are you? Get out of my way.

More, better, faster, bigger. How about a fucking metal box that rolls on metal train tracks and it goes 300 fucking miles an hour and it cuts across the whole country? I mean, we just more, better, faster, more, faster more better faster living in teepees is just getting in the way what are you talking about sacred ground sacred ground right sacred ground my dick this is money okay we gotta kill you we gotta kill these people we gotta kill them we gotta kill them we gotta kill them they're not reasonable it's the same old story history is full of that stuff history's full of one group that comes into another group and says you guys are in the way man you gotta

either leave or die yeah i Yeah, it's absolutely wrong. No one is justifying it. It's absolutely heinous. It's absolutely disgusting, but objectively stepping away from the whole idea of emotions and humanity and people and genocide and all that stuff, if you look at it as a direction that humanity is moving in, it's almost inevitable.

The point is that the unimaginable can happen to people. It happens to huge groups of people, whether it's the Russian, the Ukrainians in the 1930s under Stalin, or the Jews under Hitler in the later 30s and up to 45. The unimaginable, the unspeakable can happen to millions of people. Millions of people can perish in a period of very short time. People make the argument, but that was then. And now at the age of information, it's not possible.

Look at the Iraq war. We've not changed that much. Not much. The human beings, the one difference I will say about history, thank God, is that it becomes harder for bad men to get away with things for a long period of time because there are a lot of people watching. And that's a very good thing you know you're always going to have if you have an incentive structure that gives there are always

people in society who are willing to do what others won't do and and those people always flourish in chaos they always flourish in war when russia fell apart that's right it's the people that are willing to do what others won't do that always rise to the top in a situation where there's no rule of law, etc. That's the enemy. That's not good. That's not good. That's why you have to fight for representative

government. You have to fight for all the things the Founding Fathers talked about because it keeps bad men in check. Whenever you start blaming individuals, it's like blaming the way of the world. We're always going to have, you're always going to have bad people. You want a system that keeps

them somewhat neutered. That's very important. And people don't want to be separatists, and people don't understand the logic of countries, and man, it's all stupid, man, it's all stupid. I want to show you a video, and the video is the Hajj on the mosque. I know all about the Hajj.

And you know, the Hajj on Mecca and watching all those people mill around that post and go, listen, if it's just you and your scantily connected group of friends

and you have some sort of a conflict with a group that's as connected as these motherfuckers, you know, they're willing to do a lot of crazy shit.

They're willing to die for their religion. But there's something quite beautiful about the Hajj. It's amazing. And the Hajj is beautiful because the notion is you wear two sheets, and whether you're a prince or a pauper, you're in the same group. You wear two sheets. When you go on your pilgrimage to Mecca, and every Muslim has to do it once in their life at least,

you go, you go, and you fast from sunup to sundown, and usually if you're strict, I don't even think you're allowed to drink water. But the notion is we're all equal under the eyes of God. So it's a very egalitarian movement. So when they make their pilgrimage to Mecca, they wear two sheets and they are, they are, they are, so you can be right next to somebody who's worth a billion dollars and you have nothing. But under the eyes of God, when you're there, you guys are all the same. You're all eating the same food.

You're all behaving the same way. And it was this notion that Muhammad came up with. It's this notion that, look, you always have to go and basically there's got to be somewhat of a communal pilgrimage, a humbling pilgrimage to show each other that we're all the same. It was kind of a unifying movement. There's something very important in ritualistic things like that for people. Absolutely. What is that box supposed to represent, that big square building?

That, I believe, is where Muhammad was buried. Muhammad, I believe, was born in Medina, and he died in Mecca. And Medina and Mecca are—and I'm sorry if you're Muslim and I'm getting them mixed—switched around— but Medina and Mecca are the most—they are the most religious places in Islam. They're truly the most religious places in Islam. When you pray, you pray toward Mecca. So when you go to hotels or things in the Arab world, Muslim world, a lot of times they have arrows pointing to Mecca.

Is there a Mecca iPhone app? There may very well be. I'd be surprised if there wasn't. There has to be. There has to be. If there is, tweet. If there's not out there, developers, you know what the fuck to do.

You need to make a Mecca iPhone app. I need to know. I'll pay my respects towards Mecca. Fuck this. Hi, Mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca.

Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca.

Hi, mecca. Hi, mecca. So he was buried there. Yes. That's incredible. So he's under that box somewhere, his remains. I believe that's the stone. He was, I believe, and I just read about this,

and I'm sorry that I don't know it, but I believe that the stone was where Muhammad received a message from sort of an angel about the Quran. Because remember that the Muslims always believed that there was one person that spoke through God, and that was Muhammad, and their proof was that he was an illiterate shepherd who over the course of seven years wrote the Sunnah, wrote essentially the Quran. The Quran being essentially a bunch of poems. It's written in verse. And it's quite beautiful. It's very, very intricate and with these incredible stories and stuff. And they said,

how could one man write all this in seven years? He was inspired. He never learned how to write, read or write, but he obviously had some kind of a revelation or an inspiration. And so that was where Muhammad really made his name. And not only did he do that, but Muhammad also was the guy who said, look, this is a bunch of tribes, a bunch of pagan tribes. I'm going to unite the people of Saudi Arabia. I'm going to unite these people, these nomads. I'm going to stop them from fighting each other. And I'm going to create one group of people under one banner of heaven. And that was the notion. It's amazing how fucking radical they are. They've gotten to the point where you can't even draw Muhammad or you can put him to death. It's a shame because historically, Islam was actually always a religion that was so open they are, to have gotten to the point where you can't even draw Muhammad or you can put him to

death. It's a shame because historically Islam was actually always a religion that was so open to interpretation. And in fact, look at Indonesia. Indonesia until very recently and even still was always, it's been a Muslim country for many, many, many years and has always been a very, very open and tolerant society. Remember that the Jews who were persecuted and killed by the Christians always went to Muslim countries first. Muslims were the ones that actually protected the Jews because they were people of the book. The Quran upholds every story in the Old Testament.

It believes the Old Testament to be gospel. It's more of a rebuttal to the New Testament with the notion that it considers to be a great prophet. The notion that Christians say that Jesus Christ is actually God is where they take issue. And that was where the big rift was. But remember that Islam was always a place, for the most part, Islamic countries like the Ottoman Empire was a place where the Jews took refuge. And so that's why this rift between Jews and Muslims over the founding of the state of Israel in 1948, that's where all of this came from.

And that's what's so unfortunate about all of it. Well, at one point in time, the Muslim religion or Muslim people were responsible for an incredible amount of inventions too. Absolutely. It was a really scientifically advanced culture. You're talking about the Ottoman Empire, for God's sake. It wasn't what it is today.

And what happened that fucked everything up and got it to the point where it is today, where there's so much... It's like so many things degrade and get to a point where it's not what it once was. You know, I would argue that... And I'm not a political scientist, and I don't know anything. I'm just a goddamn actor. But I did live there for eight years of my life. And I would argue that the Middle East's biggest problem is not...

I believe that Islamic fundamentalism came out of the fact that the 22 governments in the Middle East are not democracies. That they've always been monarchies and dictatorships. And those monarchies and dictatorships kept people in poverty. When you keep people in poverty, and you have a bunch of men that have no jobs and nothing to make themselves feel good about themselves, they're going to turn to something, man. And they're going to turn to something like a religion, because it makes them, and they're going to, and men do this kind of thing. Again, we have historical evidence for that, where people say, look, there are Christian fundamentalists, there are Jewish fundamentalists, they're all over the place.

But somehow, along the way, this became a perverted notion of Islam, where, you know, I'm going to solve my problems with violence, I'm going to blow myself up, and I'm going to go to heaven. This is all very new, man. And religious fundamentalism is fairly new. It's a 20th century invention. I've heard a lot of people, and I don't know if this is accurate, but I've heard it from more than one source, where people were connecting the Mujahideen and their fight against the Soviet Union

and their work with the CIA, creating a bunch of different new things that happened in the Muslim religion, like suicide bombers. The suicide bombers were actually... Changing the notion of jihad. Not really, because the suicide bombers were... The like suicide bombers. The suicide bombers were actually not really because suicide bombers, the first suicide bombers we were reading about were the Tamil Tigers, actually, in Sri Lanka. What year was this?

That was in the 90s, the early 90s. I mean, the Tamil Tigers were the ones that were actually blowing themselves up, and nobody had ever heard of that. We couldn't believe it. You'd never heard of any Muslim guy blowing himself up. So no one blew themselves up in the 1990s? Absolutely not. And what are they, the Sri Lanka guys, are they Muslims? What are they?

The Tamil Tigers, I believe a lot of them are Hindu, in fact. Wow, so the Hindus were the first suicide bombers? Yeah. So they were not Muslims who were blowing themselves up. That's such a truth. 1990, huh? Yeah, in the 90s. And the Tamil Tigers' Tigers were a fierce group of people trying, they've been crushed, but they were trying to fight for their own independence, their own notion of what they wanted.

So a lot of this stuff, if you look at the inspiration behind it, it's pretty bizarre. Groups watch other groups. So you learn what's the crazy badass move to do. Yeah, and you know, listen, I mean, suicide bombing is not, in Vietnam, I mean, you had people who would, a lot of like women would take a hand grenade and jump into a helicopter

and blow themselves up and everybody in the helicopter. So that's just a human thing. I mean. Did they really just do that? Yes. Yes. So there were a lot of cases of that. A lot of cases.

The Viet Cong were a tough group of people who were willing to do whatever it took to get the American down. Dude, the whole idea of being occupied like that must be so crazy. It is. of that. A lot of kids. The Viet Cong were a tough group of people who were willing to do whatever it took to get the American government. Being occupied like that must be so crazy. It is. You're just a normal person living your life in a hut somewhere and chilling and having a good time and then all of a sudden there's soldiers coming in on metal

boxes for some reason that you don't understand. They're pointing guns at you and screaming at you. Especially like Afghanistan. I mean, the Mujahideen was a good example because they were basically, when theviets came in first of all afghanistan has never been a country you got to understand it's always been a group of tribes you had the you had the pashtuns you have the tajiks you have the hazara and and they all have always competed against each other i mean where did you live when you were there i lived in saudi arabia and lebanon uh in the arab world

but you know did you live in afghanistan in Afghanistan no no but my mother had been there twice and and my father had been there twice okay I thought I'm sorry I thought you were saying you lived in no I've been to Afghanistan you lived in Saudi Arabia you know you did oh doing stand yeah yeah but that doesn't mean now when you're living in these these um how many countries did you live I was born in the Philippines I then moved to India where I lived in Bombay and Calcutta, which is now Mumbai, Bombay. And then I moved to Lebanon, and then I moved to Pakistan, and then I moved back

to Lebanon. If I was a chick, I would be so in love with you. I know. How do you think I get laid? I thought you were married, man. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I forgot about that part. But then I moved to Lebanon again, and the war broke out. We got stuck in the war, and I lived in the Holiday Inn for six months. Holy shit.

Because we really couldn't get out of the country. Oh my God. And I used to hear machine gun and it was crazy. Now, were you worried about the Holiday Inn getting overtaken? I was too young to worry about that stuff. You know, I was, gosh, I was, I think 11 or 12. Holy shit. And then I was, we were evacuated to Greece.

And I lived in Greece and then I went to Saudi Arabia. And then by the time I was 14, I'd never lived in the States, and I came to the States. That's incredible, man. Yeah, it was pretty wild. That's a wild effort. And so you get a very different perspective growing up. Yeah, no shit, huh? Yeah, and the world and what happens to the world makes a difference to you.

Like this Pakistani governor, in Pakistan, there's called the blasphemy law. And the law is if you insult Islam, you will be put to death. Now, when you say insult Islam, there are a lot of ways to interpret that. People use it, manipulate it to get rid of their neighbors and things like that. to get rid of their neighbors and things like that. And this governor of the Punjab, which is a large area of Pakistan, basically said, I'm sorry if it's Punjab,

I thought that was India, but anyway, but he was a big governor and he said he was trying to get rid of it, he was trying to repeal it. He was a champion of women's rights and things like that and sort of a face of the more modern notion of, not only islam but of pakistan and uh he was assassinated one of his elite guards filled him with 23 bullets is this recent yeah really recent yeah very recent i just thought to myself i thought man this stuff is not dead we still are in living in a world of ignorance and of people who are willing to solve

problems through violence how about this crazy motherfucker in north korea man how about that dude kim jong-il he's the biggest a-hole in the history of the world ever he wins biggest asshole of all time he's just a dick the crazy thing about the koreans is that north korea and south korea are at war with each other basically and they look exactly the same it's it's crazy it's so bizarre it's a dig you know you're talking about it that's a monarchy yes north about it. That's a monarchy. North Korea, that's a monarchy. They yawned while two million other people starved to death in the 90s.

The elite was like, past the salt. It's amazing. There's just no power to revolt and there's a massive amount of patriotism. It's not just patriotism. It's a religion. I mean, the North Koreans believe that the dear leader is a deity, man. I mean, they've done a good job of getting that.

Isn't that the same in Thailand? Don't they have a king? No. Thailand is actually amazing. Yes, Thailand's king has a, he has sort of, he's a semi-deity. But what's really amazing about Thailand is that they've never been colonized. Right. And it's because they've always been really good at compromising.

They've always kind of been really good at figuring out a way to kind of just be the place where you come for a little R&R. Fuck war, man. That's in Laos and Cambodia and Vietnam. Us? Eh, we'll just align ourselves with the U.S. because it's easier. And you can come over and have a good time, and we've got pretty girls, and they're just really sweet people, man.

It's amazing that they have such a badass fighting style you know they have you know most people believe the best stand up fighting style in the world muay thai maybe man they're just a they're they're for a group of people that are so fucking nice to you and so welcoming and it's such a safe place man you walk around you never worry you know you just drive around you're like there's no crime you never worry. You just drive around. There's no crime. You never worry about it. It's just a lot of really pretty girls that you can date if you want. But I'm an actor, guys, so just so you know, I was always doing my scenes. Did you practice Muay Thai while you were there?

Yes, I did. One thing I wanted to do is go to Phuket, and there's a tiger Muay Thai thing. I just don't know If it's safe enough To bring my whole family Down there You know I just like I trip over

I hear it is I know a lot of Westerners who live down there Who love it Why risk it Yeah it just seems Like a trippy risk I just want to do it

So I could train Yeah everything's a risk And I think it'd be Amazing for your kids To see a different Part of the world Yeah murder and shit Six Flags is pretty sweet

See some wild monkeys I think the US Is way more dangerous In some ways than a lot of countries. Yeah. You know? Sure, it's parts of it. Guns and stuff like that. Well, someone tried to tell me that about, I was talking about going to Mexico.

Like, they were going to Mexico, Cabo San Lucas or one of those places. And I was like, yeah, but, I mean, fuck, man. Don't you worry about, oh, Puerto Vallarta. I was like, you don't worry about, like, all the violence that's going on in mexico they go well you know there's violence in america too you know go to detroit you probably won't get caught up in it i'm like yeah okay maybe but i know where detroit is yeah and also also those drug cartels from what i hear are actually starting to target tourists like areas uh yeah they're starting to target tourist areas because they're they're trying to uh get resorts to pay them off Because they extort money from a bunch of different ways.

One of the things they do is kidnap people that are trying to get to America. And then they go back. They killed a lot of people from Guatemala and El Salvador. They shot 72 men. Yeah. And these people were just people that were trying to migrate to America. Well, they asked for money, I guess. And they said no.

And they just don't comply. They asked for a lot of money. And they said, we're going to kill them. And they do it all the time. And apparently, some people pay and some people don't. And the people that pay, they get that Yeah. And they said no and they just don't comply. They asked for a lot of money and they said, we're going to kill them. And they do it all the time and apparently some people pay and some people don't and the people that pay, they get that money

and they let the people free. But they kill a bunch of fucking people, man. It's really, really scary. So bad. And you see the videos of these 12-year-old kids that they've hired for assassins

and they've completely fucked these kids' heads up. Really? Yeah. And some of them were American kids they've hired, the drug cartels have hired. And one of them

got arrested recently and he had all the cell phone video footage of him torturing people and it got onto the internet. It's horrendous stuff. And they tortured people before they killed them.

You know, and this 12-year-old kid. Oh my God. Yeah. And you know, I mean, they're taking violence to a whole new level.

If you look at like what's going on in the world and all this, you know, the idea that we're over in Afghanistan so that we don't have to fight it over here. Hey, how about what is

right connected to us? How about some shit you can drive to? That's right. Okay, because Mexico you can fucking drive to. And that puny ass fucking wall, that's really not going to stop anybody from coming over here. It raises a bigger question is would you legalize drugs? And doesn't that make sense? The only problem is it's gotten to a certain point

where I think you have to squash the problem before you legalize drugs. Because the cartels are so fucking big. You have to somehow or another defuse them. Because they're not doing it. It's a war. It's got to be a war. The drug cartels are gigantic now, man. I mean, look, what do I know?

I'm talking out of my ass. But the whole situation came about for sure because drugs aren't legalized. The problem with it being a war is that the drug cartels are very much in sync with the power structure, with the government itself. Sure, it's all corruption. The Mexican economy itself, apparently, is propped up by the drug trade. Holy shit. So if that's the case, then how do you delegitimize?

How do you figure out a way to make it work? Do you legalize? They're talking about legalizing drugs in Mexico itself. Well, they have decriminalized everything in Mexico. LSD, mushrooms. Oh, yeah. I mean, you're not supposed to sell it, but if you have it, you don't go to jail. As long as there's a demand and the risk of peddling that demand is that high,

you're going to have people who are badass motherfuckers willing to do whatever it takes to get that money. Scary. I mean, it's a rough... We should have learned about that in this country with Prohibition in the 1920s. I know, I know. You know, we're lucky that marijuana has the calming effect that it has.

Because if it wasn't, you know, the whole stoner culture and everything behind it, if it was all... That's why I've always been... I've just marveled at the fact that you make alcohol legal and weed illegal.

It's like, it goes back to that reefer madness ignorance. It's like, you know, you're out of your fucking mind. Well, it's also an issue of it's been illegal for so long, if they come out and say there's no reason for it to have ever been illegal now, then you

open up a whole can of worms about a bunch of different things. You just brought up the biggest and best argument for a smaller government. Whenever you pass a law, and I'm not saying some laws don't need to be passed, but you've got to remember one thing. You pass any kind of law, any kind of legislation,

say what you want about the Obama health care thing. I don't know enough about it. I'm not going to make a stand on it. But just know that when you have a huge government program and you pass laws around that program, what happens is a cottage industry grows up around that law. And a lot of people develop an interest, an economic interest in keeping that law active. That's why whenever you start a government program, whenever you start giving money to

somebody or whatever it might be, it doesn't go away. And the Democrats themselves said, pass just something because it'll never go away and you'll be able to add to it. And it's not about being right or left it's you better keep that in mind because george washington himself said men will invent laws to take their own freedom away from themselves that's how people are you know you want to make the world a really fucking safe place you want to legislate everything i don't want to live in a country like that fuck you i want to take my own personal responsibility for things absolutely

fucking lutely you know. And the real problem with these government, when government grows, is that it very rarely shrinks. It doesn't shrink. It's expansive. It's ever expansive and it's coercive. It does two things. It takes taxes and it passes laws. Do you need that? Yes. The question is,

it's about proportion. How much is too much? That's the question. This country was founded on the notion that government is a necessary evil. It doesn't mean you don't have it, but stop telling me that government and equalizing the playing field and socially engineering equality is what makes this country great. No, it's fucking not. That creates so much resentment. And whenever you have social engineering and you do it for, I think that affirmative action is a wonderful idea. I think the idea that you want to balance everything out

and give black people a chance to. But whenever you have it set up for when guys testing for the fire department or something like that, where a black candidate doesn't have to score as high as a white candidate. That is the worst thing for any black person or anybody else. It's terrible. It is assuming and suggesting to a black person that they can't compete mentally.

What does that do to someone's self-esteem? What does that do to someone's self-worth? That is the most insulting. That's the most racist thing I can think of, in fact. Well, it's ridiculous. Did black people need us to lower the playing field when it came to sports and music? Look what they did with jazz.

Look what they've done with sports. Jazz is the highest American art form expression is primarily a black expression did blacks need government programs for that no they're just they're just as capable i think if they find out and they believe they do believe that's an issue that they should have uh as much as as close to an equal number of people representative as they do in society if it's 10 it's close to as they, but not look for it when it's not there. The argument is equality of opportunity. We know that. People who are in the affirmative action camp, and I understand it,

they're saying, look, we're trying to create an equal opportunity for people. And I understand that. And you do. It is an uneven playing field. It is. But the question is, what do you do about it? And you better be very careful when government comes in with solutions. Very careful.

I think the best solution, if possible, is to go in real early. Go in and have programs for kids that are developing in single-family households or single-parent households where they're not getting any attention and they're not getting any love, they're not getting any guidance and their mom has to work. They're doing that in Harlem and it's apparently been very successful. God, that would be the way. There was a guy in Harlem who said

we've got to get these kids before they even get to kindergarten. That's the move, man. And he did and he created a program that followed them from kindergarten all the way through college and it's called the Harlem Renaissance Project I believe. That's brilliant. That's beautiful. And it's been amazing, apparently. That's really what it takes.

I mean, you start with someone when they're 20, man. My God, you're dealing with so much work. Because if you don't do that and you have, for example, let's just take the black issue. If you have a disproportionate number of black men in jail, for example, the problem with that is people think it's not their problem. You're wasting a huge segment of your population. You're not tapping into incredible potential that you could be.

And so the question becomes, you're right, I think you have to get it. When a boy is 14, he's already lost in some ways. I mean, it's very hard. It's very hard to kind of figure out how to deal with that damage. Martial arts is the best way. Yeah, whatever. Or music or whatever it is. Discipline. But the thing about martial arts is the best way yeah whatever or music or whatever discipline but the thing about martial arts is you have to overcome you overcome great scary things

over and over and over again and in doing that it develops character and builds character and you almost want to make up for the fact that you know you were fucked up when you got into this you want to show a big gap and well you know um josh josh wadeskin who is the chess prodigy, he has a school. He has a school where he teaches children math. No, I'm sorry, music, chess, and martial arts. Wow. And what he does through those three venues, he's not teaching you even the martial arts and music and the chess is secondary. Most importantly is you're learning how to learn. And he always says that.

He wrote a book about that. Yeah, it's a great book he wrote. I recommend everybody. It's called The Art of Learning. He's a special dude. He's trained with my friend Nathan. And my friend Nathan got me in contact with him. We've exchanged emails back and forth.

And I want to meet him and train with him. When I'm in New York, I want to get him on the podcast too. I met him in New York. I had lunch with him. People don't know. He's the get him on the podcast, too, if I could do that. I met him in New York. I had lunch with him. People don't know. He's the guy who came up with, I mean, rather, excuse me, the movie Searching for Bobby Fischer

was based on his life, him as a child chess prodigy. And he went from that to going into Kung Fu. He became the two-time push hands Kung Fu champion, which is heavy stuff. They do throws, and he was the first westerner in China

to win it twice two times in a row and now he's going for the mundials I guess yeah he's a fiend with jujitsu now he trains with

Marcelo Garcia and he developed this website called MG in Action mginaction.com MG being Marcelo Garcia I believe that's the URL

check it Marcelo Garcia in Action if you want to look at it if you're a jujitsu fan and what the website is is he's broken down being Marcelo Garcia. I believe that's the URL. Check it. Marcia Garcia or Marcelo Garcia in action if you want to look at it if you're a jiu-jitsu fan. And what the website is is he's broken down jiu-jitsu moves

just and studied them the way he would do chess because chess is so disciplined. You know, just so we're talking about the trumpet. I mean, chess players practice constantly

and they go over moves and they go over strategies and they have maps out in their head. Well, what this guy has done is put all that same discipline to jiu-jitsu.

And so he has Marcel Garcia's entire repertoire of techniques and all sorts of different sweeps and arm bars and all these different things and chains and how they go. And he has this website where you can just sign up and you can learn. I mean, basically, you and your friends, if you wanted to, you could sign up for it, get an internet connection, get a laptop,

and have a mat in your living room, and you and your buddy could learn jjitsu from this website it's fucking amazing man yeah i mean it's amazing and for for people that study jujitsu it's fascinating too because he'll go over the finer nuances of a technique like fuck that's what i've been doing wrong because a lot of jujitsu is leverage and it's not most of it's not about strength it's about being in the proper position and much smaller people can defeat much larger people because of the technique but it's like little subtle things the technique sometimes you miss and so these videos are like

real masters like Marcelo Garcia this is like a Marcelo Garcia I asked I asked Josh I was like what's it like to roll with him do you ever get him you ever catch him he's like no I never get him no he's on another level man he moves so fast now it is she's so good he gets behind you so sharp you know it's so sharp you can't have any room for error see with a lot of jiu-jitsu it's like how much room for error are you going to give me are you going to leave openings for underhooks are you going to slip to your back are you going to you know let me sweep you are you going to give up because you don't want to fight anymore and go to your back and try to get

me on your guard it's like there there's a little battle going on. How much do you have left in the tank? When you get to a level like Marcelo Garcia, instead of all that nonsense in your brain, it's this super tuned killing machine that moves so fast you can't even literally, he's not even thinking about his

movements. He's drilled them to the point where they're so pinpoint and precise. It's reaction. It's all reaction. He has the idea of getting to your back, and then before you know it, his hooks are in. He's got his arm across your neck. It's happened in milliseconds. Josh Waitz can cause that chunking, where he's seen so much that he can start thinking in chunks. He can think in systems. And you're thinking move to move, and he's thinking in a system.

He's thinking in literally six-move chunks. move and he's thinking in a system like he's thinking in in literally like six move chunks and and he's also watching you and can already predict what you're going to do and because he's been doing it so long he gets into your mind so he's watching you like do these clunky yeah here i come i'm gonna do this and he goes i've seen that i've seen that a thousand times and i'm gonna do this but i'm already gonna do do this after that. He's so advanced. It's like Josh says when he would play chess with guys who weren't as advanced as he. He's seeing the whole board, and the reason he's seeing six or seven moves ahead of time

is because he's able to chunk. He's chunking. He's seeing things in, I don't know, I guess that's what he called it. He just called it five move, six move blocks of time. That's one of the things about Eddie's style, the way Eddie teaches. Eddie teaches, instead of just teaching a move, he teaches a whole chain of moves. Like he'll teach a certain pass to get to a certain position and then to there and then always to a finish. But it's like four or five moves in advance.

And sometimes there's alternate endings or alternate branches. Like what happens if you lose this arm now you got to go to this and then you know so in your mind when you're rolling and you get to certain specific areas you have this already mapped he's already mapped it out for you it's like the way he teaches wow yeah i think it's a really smart way to do it too because i do that with my love making love making love making tell me more you hear that echo? Dude you're channeling Craig Shoemaker Is that what I'm doing?

Be careful The love master Oh really? Have you heard any of his stuff? No Old school Speaking of stand up I've got to go

I've been here for three hours We've been talking for three hours It's not that long We didn't start going It's like 3.30 But it might have been our best podcast ever Thank you To all the people that are listening, thank you very much

We really appreciate it We appreciate all the kind words on Twitter And all that good shit We love doing it and I'm glad you guys enjoy it I'm getting in contact With a fascinating group of human beings Through Twitter, through the message board, through Facebook. Yeah, there's a few douchebags slipped through the cracks.

But for the most part, there's a lot of really interesting people. And, you know, I said that about, what are you playing in the background, crazy? What is that that's fucking with my neck? It sounds terrible. Stop that shit. The bangles walk like an Egyptian. Is it? Yeah.

Stop it, Brian. Just stop it. Cut it loose, Brian. Anyway, thank you, everybody. We appreciate it all very much. And we enjoyed doing it. And, you know, I'm a very lucky person. I'm very lucky to have people like Brian Callen in my life because, you know, it makes life very interesting to have interesting friends.

And I know that there's a lot of people out there that you don't have a lot of cool people to talk to. And I appreciate everything you get down to the podcast. And it resonates with me. Brian Callen, my friend, thank you very much for coming. Thanks for having me. Always an honor to be with you, my friend. You're the best, man. You're my favorite guest of all time.

Thank you, sir. Sorry, everybody else. Thanks to the Fleshlight. Go to joerogan.net and click the link and put in Rogan as your code, and you get 15% off your masturbation. Okay, it's a discount and you'll blow giant loads inside this rubber vagina you'll love it did you ever use yours still haven't used it man really haven't used it no lies have you masturbated since then no no no

no no no i'm you save your seed i'm a christian uh save your seed yeah and what's the most times you've ever how many days in a row you ever saved your seed i i used to do it a lot i used to go tantra when i was doing taekwondo i was like that's what my taekwondo teacher told me that that's you know so i'd like to try to do it but i was like 21 i'd just be like fucking two hours fucking that's my weakest muscle ever the holding the load back muscle that's my weakest muscle it's so hard still still i want to fucking i still wake up with a hard on every morning they say you're supposed to go tantrum to squeeze it. You never tighten up that inner area.

Keep your tantrum. Tighten up that inner area. Keep your tantrum. I'm blowing heavy loads, and I'm screaming, filthy, filthy, when I do it. And on that note, ladies and gentlemen, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. Me, Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, the show of the year.

We're fucking fired up for it. Some tickets are still available. They're going quick, so get of the year. We're fucking fired up for it. Some tickets are still available. They're going quick, so get in on it. We're real excited about it. I've never been to this theater, but it's big and it's awesome. And it's the day before the UFC, which is February 5th, so there's going to be a lot of freaks in town. It's going to be crazy.

I predict a lot of skull T-shirts, a lot of fucking flaming foil. Brian Redband, follow him on Twitter, ladies and gentlemen. He's trying to get over 21,000. What do you have right now, dude? Like 10,000. 10,000, ladies and gentlemen. We can get him over 21. Brian Cowan on Twitter. It's Brian with a Y because it's

interesting. It's different. I'm going to start being on Twitter more. Do you tweet at all? You tweet like your act. You tweet like you do on stage. I just tweet like whatever. If I come up with something funny, I'll tweet it. That's it.

There's nothing about me that's interesting. I'm not going to say anything that's, you know. What are you talking about, man? You're one of my most interesting friends. Well, thank you. Don't be doubting yourself, brother. All right. So when can anybody see you next?

I'm starting a new TV show called Death Valley on MTV. It's a shot like cosplay. We kill werewolves, vampires, and zombies in the valley. And I play the chief of police, who's a complete retard and a complete pervert. And it's a really fun part. And it's called Death Valley, and it could be really funny. Really? It's a comedy?

Yeah. It's comedy, but totally gory and really violent. Really? Yeah, it's really funny. How do the werewolves look? Do they look cool? Amazing, man. The pilot looked amazing.

They picked me up for 12 episodes. Can I see it anywhere? I'm in, too. I'll send you, I'll give you my pilot. That sounds awesome. That's right up my alley. Yeah, dude, it's going to be really cool. And you play a crazy sheriff?

I play, yeah, chief of police. He's an idiot. He always has a hand squeezer. He wears really tight shirts. He's a fucking loser. And so you're happy with it? Yeah, I look like a muscular Don Knotts. It's so sad. It's a good time, man. He's a fucking loser. And so you're happy with it? Yeah, I look like a muscular Don Knotts. It's so sad.

It's a good time, man. It's a good time. And so it starts on MTV when? When does it start airing? It starts, well, we start shooting January 31st. I'm not sure what the air date is. Oh, okay. We'll get a couple on the can and start airing it.

Okay, but you shot a pilot already? Yeah. You'll show me that? Yeah, yeah. It was funny. Before you bitches. Yeah, it was really funny. I got the inside scoop.

Funny and silly and, you know, we'll see what bitches. Yeah, it was really funny. I got the inside scoop. Funny and silly. All right, we'll be back next week. We're trying to get Bill Burr in. Bill Burr, we might... He needs to get his comb. Yeah, we still have his comb. Yeah, he's one of my favorite comedians, too. Great guy.

Inspirational. Very, very funny guy. And just a cool dude. Yep. And he's in town this week. We're going to try to get him in. We might do another one this week. We might do another one Friday, maybe.

So, other than that, thank you very much, everybody. That's it. Just mad love to all my bitches. Holla. And see you guys soon. Soon, eventually. We're not going anywhere. We're going to keep this shit rolling.

We're going to keep this shit rolling, bitches. Oh, shit. How many people do you have on the stage? Right now, well, people watching right now, there's 1,200 people. Hello, my friends. That's usually what we get live, and then afterwards, it's always 20,000, 30,000, or something like that. And then iTunes is a lot more than that, though.

iTunes is where most of the people listen to it. Really? I'm still talking to you people like you're not there. I love it. But you are there, and I love you. Goodbye. All right, bye-bye.