The Joe Rogan Experience - #693 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: September 7, 2015

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called "Your Mom's House" available on Spotify. http://www.yourmomshousepodcast.com

worst you know that tommy buns is here when you start getting tweets that say my jeans are high and tight and i'm ready just if anybody ever started saying calling each other mommies or saying jeans are high and tight we'd have to drive to their fucking house and beat their ass that's i mean you want to talk about like a niche that you guys have carved out yeah jeans high and tight. I know. It feels silly even saying it sometimes. Like when I say it, I'm like, this sounds so crazy.

That's your show, though. Your show is fucking silly as shit, man. Your mom's house. If you haven't heard it, it's hilarious. It's an awesome podcast. And now you guys have a real studio now. Yeah. We finally moved out of our house and got a proper studio and a proper office building.

Look at this shit. With real professionals who are like, who the fuck are you guys? This is like what's happening to podcasts, man. Slowly but surely, podcasts are being forced to be more and more professional. Yeah, it's crazy, right? It's so weird. We walk out of our studio door in this really nice building. There's an accountant to the right, a lawyer across from me, and a shrink to the left.

And they're like, what do you guys do? I'm like, just farts and stuff. Do you ever scream? Do you guys scream? Yeah, yeah. But here's the thing. We go, they also are like, when are you, like, what kind of front is this? Because we're there, you know, a couple times a week for a couple hours right we're never there right so

when they do see us they're like oh yeah you guys like you know yeah we we scream sometimes and we don't go check on people but we assume that they're like we don't want to know so do you swear like when you scream do you like you fucking bitch like you must right yeah sometimes you when I was crazy it gets crazy. Yeah Yeah, sometimes it gets pretty loud and It's certainly offensive to them. I mean for like those Regular nine-to-fivers. There's no way they think that's normal Bastards yeah a lot of them are listening right now people in those kind of offices are listening

Oh, yeah, that shit is soul-sucking. it is i talk about it sometimes that do you remember did you ever do uh an office office job no no i never did an office office job i had uh job jobs but never in an office you know i had a lot of i just knew i just knew from the time was whether whatever it is add or whatever the fuck it is i knew there was something wrong with my brain it's like there's no way or something right with it. I knew there's no way I'm ever going to be able to sit in an office. I just can't do it. Yeah. I mean, I think back to when I did it, I did it for a while at different places.

And I realize now looking back on that, how depressed I was. It's horrible. It was really depressing. And sometimes now when I don't feel like doing something like for my career now now like i'm bummed out to go do something you know like uh i don't know press or morning radio yeah morning radio or something morning tv oh way worse than morning radio way worse that shit's way worse it's the worst but when i think of that sometimes i'll remind myself like oh remember that the real job that you had to do you know and you and sitting in that cubicle and how it really was misery for me yeah and i imagine

it is for a lot of people still i did labor i did a lot of uh construction gigs my stepdad's an architect and so i got a lot of gigs on construction sites. I call them gigs. Jobs on construction sites. But the worst one I ever got was my buddy Jimmy. He got me a job. We were building a Knights of Columbus Hall, and we had to build a wheelchair ramp for it. That's what we were doing. And it was just the entire time I was working for them. I only think I lasted two weeks. I was carrying cement and pressure-treated lumber.

So I was getting splinters in my fingers from pressure-treated lumber and carrying bags of cement. And then at the end of the day, I would try to go work out. I'd go to the gym and try to work out. Collapse. I was so tired. And plus, I wasn't hydrating correctly. Of course. And I was an idiot back then.

I was eating fucking pastrami sandwiches for lunch. I wasn't eating healthy foods. Hey, I do that all the time. Well, I do too. But I mean, when you're working all day, you should be eating throughout the day. If you're doing that kind of labor, the amount of calories that you're burning by carrying lumber and sandbags, cement bags.

It's terrible. It's exhausting. I remember my first, first ever job was construction, where I was a freshman in high school. It was the summer after freshman year, so I'm 14. That's not even legal. You're not even supposed to be working. Well, here's the job.

My friend's dad bought really, really shitty apartment complex and was renovating it to make it decent. So he hired us because we were like slave labor, like free basically. He'd be giving us whatever the regular rate is. It's half of that But you're 14 15 so you're like yeah, that's a shitload of money right and we were in Florida in the summertime in apartments with no AC Oh

Laying tile so you're on your hands and knees You know putting the grout laying the tile and just the heat was it was just cooking you it was an oven You know like putting the grout, laying the tile, and just the heat. It was just cooking you. It was an oven, you know, like 100% humidity, 96 degrees outside, on your hands and knees, sweat, just pools of sweat. And then some, like, actual constructive, like, stop sweating. You're like, I can't. They would tell you to stop sweating? Yeah, because you're getting the sweat in the grout and shit. So then they'd come by, throw you a towel to clean up your sweat as you're laying tile on the ground.

I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in walls and attics in the summer. And so you're sweating like a pig in Massachusetts. It's hot and muggy. You're sweating like a fucking pig, and that shit gets in your skin. Literally, the fibers from insulation get in your skin. It gets in your clothes. It gets in your skin Like literally the fibers from insulation Get in your skin It gets in your clothes It gets in your neck for some reason Like it tracks it

It'll always be like in here You're breathing it in You wear those little stupid masks But those things don't do jack shit I mean they might keep Like large particles from getting sucked Right into your trap But they come in the sides.

They're breathing in air. It's horrible. I bet if you could look at it on like some sort of an infrared scan and see the particles coming in and out, like you're taking that stuff in your lungs. Imagine the guy that does that for 40 years. Oh. What it does to him. You know what's really freaky, man? People that work in coal mines.

Have you ever watched, they had a reality show for a while about coal mines but i i think they probably realized hey we better fucking not have this because someone's gonna die while we're filming yeah and then people are gonna you know be mad at us for making this show but they do live shorter lives right they all have percent yeah they get black lung yeah they literally get black lung i mean you are a hundred percent gonna breathe in coal dust all day. You're in a mine. You're in a hole in the ground where they're digging and they're pulling out coal.

I mean, it's fucking nutty, man. Yeah, yeah. It's really depressing to think about that that's what you're doing every day. And in, like, West Virginia and all these, like, really, really poor places where they have these mines, they get pissed when city people want to come in and shut down the mines. Yeah. Sturgill Simpson, do you know who he is? Country music star?

I know the name. Brilliant, brilliant singer. But awesome, awesome dude too. Is he from there? He's, yeah. And he has a song about it. You know, he has a song about King, it's all I think it's called King Cole it's so depressing but it's part of it is like that people from the cities come

in they want to shut the mines down like and he was describing it to me he's like you never seen poverty like this he's like it's just like these people don't have nothing like in the song he talks about just welfare and pills but that's you ever see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia? Yes. Holy Jesus. That's what it's like. If you've never seen this,

it's so worth seeing. Might be the greatest white people documentary of all time. It is. It is. It goes toe to toe with any, and for any white person that talks trash about other like other races and yeah, well, you know We're just different watch the wonderful whites of West Virginia Yeah, anybody who thinks that white people are different anybody else. This is what people are. Yeah, people are is extremely malleable thinking organisms that adapt to their environment when you're in dark environment is all criminals and pills and

Welfare and scams. You just grow up in that environment. That's who you are. That's who you are. And it shows that you really are a product of that. Fuck yeah. That whole family is just unbelievable how they really are the same organism. It's different people. They're from the same family in the same area.

And there is no one that's got it together. It's like it's... Yeah, there they are. My favorite is the girl. My name is Sue Bob. Yes, Sue Bob. My name is Sue Bob. Sue Bob, I'm the sexy one.

I've always been the sexy one in the family. They're kind of like running through the beats at the beginning. Yeah. I love that one of them is like talking about pills and she's like She's got like Xanax and she was like pick these up for like two bucks And she's like I'm run over here and sell them for six little boot scootin boogie, right? Her profit margin is four bucks. She's thrilled about it. Yeah

The one check the way she talked she literally talks like this like you can't believe that she's a real person that's her right there yeah you're doing a toned down version of it sexiest one in the family see if you can find her voice jamie because like when you hear her talk you're like get the fuck out of here. That's not a real person. Yeah. I was being the sexiest one in the family. So gross. But, you know, I used to have a buddy when I lived in New York. It's going to be her. Yeah.

I got to hear this. She's. This is her. Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old. I made a big piece of money. I'd bring home at least $15,000 to $2,000 a night in my boot. And I've always been the sexiest one in the family. I've always had comments from thousands of people.

This is such a good documentary. It's really great. I had this buddy who was, when I lived in New York, who was racist. And he's a good dude, but he would say shit about black people. I'd always get really mad at him. We always had disagreements about race. And he would go, look, he goes, it's not racist if it's everywhere you look. He goes, if you see, he goes, it's just being honest about what you're seeing.

I said, no, because if you grew up in that environment, you would be them, you dumb motherfucker. Like, you think you're something special just because you grew up in, you know, Westchester County. Yeah, yeah. In some nice white neighborhood, you know? Like, all your problems, you attribute all your problems, because he had problems. But he would attribute all his problems to his family and his fucked up upbringing. I'm like, well well think about your problems, and you're how mild your fucked-up in this was Compared to these people that live in Harlem

Yeah Or these people that live in the in the boogie down in the South Bronx that you're always shitting on like yeah, dude If you grew up in that environment you wouldn't be special you wouldn't stand out as being this guy who gets it together He's showing up for work every day, and you'd be smoking crack just like them Yeah, be doing things, but we are in a product of our environment well it's like people they don't think that uh how they don't think about how lucky they are just to be born somewhere you know in a certain circumstance yeah i mean like i was shooting this uh i was shooting the intro to my new special we're shooting like we're shooting like a one minute like short that

that plays right before the special you know like a little sketch basically and we were shooting it all over la and we ended up in uh east la in ramona gardens and the hazard projects this shit is no joke right and as we as we're there, I was like, just thinking about like, man, like, cause all these kids came up to us cause they saw the, you know,

the cameras and the, the equipment, you know, the boom and all that. And they were like, they were just interested in what we were doing. And they're a young kid. I mean,

they're teenage kids. I just couldn't help, but think about like, man, like this, this funny thing. Cause it's still considered Los Angeles. I was like, when you say L.A. to these kids, this is what they think it is.

This is L.A. to them. Like the projects here. They don't think of L.A. as Hollywood or Bel Air or, you know, Malibu. Like everyone's perspective on what that is just is dependent on where you're from. Yeah. You brought up like they have a really rough neighborhood man Really rough like that's Mexican Mafia

You know cartel kind of shit like you know it's face tattoos. Oh fuck Yeah, a lot man a lot. It's scary shit, and and and those kids were just born there Yeah, you just get a shit roll of the dice Yeah, you go to school with all those crazy kids that are dealing with whatever they had to deal with when they were growing up. Yeah. Yeah, man. There's a real problem in our culture where that doesn't get addressed. Like, when you hear Donald Trump on TV talking about, like, Mexicans coming over here, they're all rapists and murderers. Hey, dude, we got plenty of rapists and murderers right here.

Yeah, yeah. And some of them, I assume, are good people. Yeah. That makes sense. What a day. I assume. Some of them. Some of them.

But the idea that nobody ever talks about what a real issue that is. People will lay out problems, like tax problems. They'll lay out like here's the problem with taxes in this country and this is my plan i want to institute a flat tax and i want to do this and i'll do that but nobody ever goes like these are kids that are growing up in these environments that are fucked and they're the burden that they have is so much more than the burden that someone has if they're growing up in pasadena oh yeah and then you know extreme poverty is that's a real it's a, real issue that affects a lot more people.

And we have it in this country. Oh, yeah. People always think of it as, you know, because it is, you know, more extreme, let's say, in other places. But there's a lot. There's millions of people in this country that live in extreme, below the poverty line. Like, yearly income. The cost of living is higher here.

Yeah. So, like, if you compare the extreme poverty here compare the extreme poverty in bangladesh yeah yeah i'm sure bangladesh has more extreme poverty and it's probably more extreme even in the context of like even if you look at the the cost of living yeah but it's it's still no excuse it's like there's there's no thought at all about trying to fix those issues. Right. Yeah. People, yeah, it's not on their mind. It's fucked, man, because you think about it.

How much time do you have? You ever met someone who had a fucked up childhood and you go, man, if you could just get out of your own way. If you could just figure out how to get out of your own way and deal with all the shit that has messed you up up until this point. Yeah. You'd have so much more opportunity. You'd have so much more. You would get things done more. Sometimes they didn't even have a fucked up childhood.

You just meet them and you're like, get out of your own way. You're putting the obstacles in front of yourself. Right. I think a big problem that a lot of people have in different facets of life It's just denial. You know yes, and I was a big thing people live in denial about any number of things they can live about About you know jobs about money about looks about weight about sex about everything But like that did not you can really you can sink into it and live in it for decades you live your whole life in denial Yeah, people like that a lot. Yeah.

You know, if you don't want to look at what you're doing wrong. Yeah. If you don't want to look at what you need to clean up. And it's really that they're scared of the feelings. Sure. It's just a fear of like, if I face that, what will that be like? And I think the reality is most of the time when you do, it's not as bad as you thought. It's the fear of that feeling is worse than the feeling itself.

Well, the feeling, even if it does suck, once you get over it, the feeling of overcoming that is so much better than the feeling of just dealing with it and putting it in the box. Yeah, true. You know, the people that, people that ignore reality or hide from reality, that you, you're only going to get so far with that. You're only going to, you're always going to have those boundaries up that you can't overcome because you've put them up to protect yourself from the truth. And part of what it is about being a person, when you're trying to get better at something, you got to be able to look at the truth. You have to be. And if you, if you don't look at the truth in certain aspects of your life, that's going to creep into the other aspects of your life too. Yeah. It's, it's like

the whole thing of, you know, being organized at your desk is going to spill out to your house and your car. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You do one thing right, it will spill out to the rest. And if you do things wrong, it'll spill out too. Yeah, there was an old saying in the gym,

like live every minute like a champion. Do your homework like a champion. Do, you know, whatever chores you have to do, do that like a champion do do your homework like a champion do you know? Whatever chores you have to do do that like a champion and you'll be a champion in everything you do be a champion in Everything you do in life but I'm not I'm not doing that my office is a mess well It's hard. It's hard to do that everything is fucking problem right now I should make a video just to shame myself of my office because I get these packages boxes of shit that people

send me and that company send me and they fucking stack up in my office now I sure my house looks clean mm-hmm cuz you know I have a wife yeah she's organized yeah but my office looks like I'm a fucking hoarder if my office was my whole house he'd be like Jesus yeah. I put a dent in it this weekend, though. I got home. I put a dent in it Thursday and another dent in it on Sunday. I got rid of a lot of shit. I feel like someone sneaks into my place and puts shit there.

Because I filled up eight trash bags, big ones, of just clothes and shit and cords papers and then like it's like a week or two later I'm like where'd all this shit come like there's new shit. I feel like I haven't bought it or anything It's just spilling out of places. I have cables that go to things that I don't even own don't you hold on to them? Yeah, but what if I do get another Garmin navigation system? Rental car I said I had like three or four of these fucking stupid Garmin's. Oh, the new one's different. Let me get the new one. This one, you download the updates from the internet and you plug it in with USB.

For sure. Ooh. This is exciting. I threw away cables. I'm like, well, this is a male to male USB cable. Do I need it? You know you don't need it. If you need it, you go to Fry's and you get a new one.

Yeah, but I had to talk it out like like i was on hoarders yeah with like my wife was like are we cool to get rid of this and i was like i mean let me think about it yeah it means something to me that in boxes the box that the shit came in i'm like just keep those boxes it's like for what i don't know just box like it came in that box we should keep that box. Is part of that from, you know, we were all poor. Like, we were all at one point in our life, we were all poor. And when you're poor, you know, you like, everything is like precious. You got to keep the shit. Is that what it is?

I think it almost goes back to, I think it goes back to like Christmas, childhood Christmas, where it's like the box that the thing came in is like, is as exciting as what's in it. And it was also super important to returning things like in my house, like my mom returned fucking everything that she bought and then got a new thing. Like she was always exchanging. So I feel like I'm almost attached to like, I might have to, I might need this for the product later, even though I never do, you know, I've never returned.

Do you ever return things that you buy online? might need this for the product later even though i never do you know i've never returned do you ever return things that you buy online i've only done it like once or twice out of 100 purchases you know like i don't i don't do it a lot my wife does it every month no i could not do that every month she's sending something back i bought it i tried it didn't work i didn't like it i'd be overwhelmed at the idea i bought shit i bought shit that's been pretty expensive. I'm like, I don't really like this, and then I just keep it. Like an asshole. Like it just sits there.

I'm like, ah, you know. Online shopping is a real fucking problem for some people. It's become more of a problem than any other kind of shopping. You realize where it's going to go to? It's going to be that there's no stores at some point. Oh, yeah Yeah, well the stores that exist they'll probably like either stores for like large appliances, right? something you have to actually go and check out or Maybe like well like small stores that are like owned by people like small have you noticed that like there's these?

fake like craft restaurants they're like fake meaning that like they use like like raw metal and like weathered looking wood it's not really weathered it's not really old wood oh yeah yeah yeah I mean this is like trend that's a that's a whole look yeah this is like what is it called crafts Yeah, this trend to make everything look like vintage Yeah, isn't that that was the thing with clothes for a lot? I mean it probably still is right where it's like the jeans that you buy that look like you've had a lot of holes in them

Yeah, and then they're all like yeah faded. That looks like it's a natural faded look But actually they did it in a factory like they yeah made it look faded. Well. They beat him up, too They yeah, wreck them and rub them with wire brushes and shit. Yeah, it's very weird. It's weird that girls can still wear them. Girls can still wear jeans with all these fake holes in them. Dudes can't wear that anymore. No, no.

The jeans for a guy, there's pretty much three things that are acceptable. You're either a skinny jean dude guy, right? Like that's just your look. You can wear them like skin tight. Baggy jeans or fuck it, like I'm giving up on things. Sweatpants. It's like sweatpants or it's like that dad jean where they're kind of like whitewashed almost. Like they're like light, light, light, light blue, where it doesn't look that good really on anyone,

and they kind of wear them a little too high. High and tight. High and tight, yeah. That's what he's saying, high and tight. Yeah. Yeah, there's certain looks that are still acceptable for women, though. Women can go way further with the looks, yeah. They can have holes all over their jeans,

from their pockets all the way down to like their knees. How about, speaking of high and tight, the super waisted over the navel look where it still looks good That's a new thing right. It's like it was old and it came back. Yeah, and then over the navel Yeah over the navel. I've seen it. Yeah, that's unnecessary And but you only see it on like really fit women like it's not like you know like that's like a sexy look It's like that you know they do that they can wear they can wear a low-cut one where it sits below the waist or you can see it like that's good super low that's good that's good yeah well we like it like the smallest amount of cloth between your vagina and air yeah that's true that's what we like if you're wearing like

some sort of a fucking jumper suit it goes all the way up to your neck and it's made out of corduroy yeah no i don't know it's too much work there's and then there's like it's almost amazing sometimes where like you see i'm not even saying at the beach like i'm in a restaurant a hotel ass cheek hanging out of those jeans where you're like it kind of stops you in your tracks right where you're like wow Where you're like, wow. That's a real ass cheek. You're almost naked in this hotel lobby right now. And then she's just like getting another key for the room. Thanks a lot. And you're like, do you know how you're walking around right now? And is it, are you talking about pants or shorts?

Shorts. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, Jesus Christ. Half of your vagina. Is hanging out. Is hanging out. And then she's like, could you not look at me, please?

Thanks. Yeah. If she's climbing, if she's stepping up a stair, like climbing a stair, and then drops her keys and bends over to pick it up with one leg up, you'll see her pussy. That little bit of lip's going to fall out. Yeah. Yep. Especially if she's got those lips.

Horse lips. One can only hope. Yeah, and they fray them down to get the crotch. It's just so small. It's so small. It barely holds it all together. Barely. Yeah. I mean, I'm celebrating that look.

I'm not critical of it. But it still is amazing that that's a choice in society, right? The barely clothing look. They're working hard. And it's a girl choice. It's like dudes can't wear Daisy Dukes. Yes. Unless you're trying to get some dick.

Yeah, I mean, you can get that dick with that for sure. You can get that dick. Yeah, guys, you would wear Daisy Dukes and Timbalands with scrunchie socks. That's a hell of a look. But this is a certain look where unquestionably that dude's willing to suck your dick like a guy with a construction hat on wearing daisy dukes no shirt and scrunchie socks with timberlands on that dude's just sucking dick that's what he's here for and if you see that dude and you make eye contact and you just grab your dick he's gonna come over and attack it especially you with that beard. Oh, yeah. Fucking manly bastard. You're like...

Yeah. Some dudes are not into that. They're into twinks. Yeah. They're into twinks. But you can get in trouble from saying twink. Did you know that? Twinks now, is that off the table?

The guy who owns Bravo got in trouble for saying twink. He called somebody a twink. The gay guy. The Andy guy. Andy Cohen. Who's about as gay as a guy can be. Yeah. Andy Cohen. Who's about as gay as a guy can be. Yeah. I mean, he's about as gay as a guy. He's like, I would say

like perfect gay, too. Like he's got it all going on. Handsome. Handsome. Successful. Wealthy. Yeah. Yeah. Great suits. Just gets dick anytime. Tossed at him. His phone probably runs out of batteries every five minutes because it's just vibrating. He gets tired of dicks. Yeah, for sure.

I mean, how long can a battery, how many dick pics can a battery get before it just dies? I bet that guy knows. That's an experiment. Yeah. Andy knows the answer. Ask Andy. That's the name of that segment. It's called Ask Andy.

He should be the guy that they test all their iPhone batteries on. He's got so many dicks. Well, he's just so successful. Yeah. And he's handsome. He's got salt and pepper hair. He's not, some people don't know this. He's not just like higher talent.

He's the executive. Yeah. He makes the programming choices. Yeah. It's pretty remarkable. It's hilarious that he has all these housewives like bitching at each other. Yeah. Those fucking shows have gotten so brutal

Yeah, I watched the real housewives my wife watches the Beverly Hills one So it was uh we had it on the DVR and in the gym in the house I said let me watch this fucking shit. Yeah It doesn't make you angry enough to lift it makes you confused I mean you you you feel so bad for those women you want to take them and like take them on a psychedelic retreat or something. Like, what are you doing? I understand that this is a job and that you're kind of getting paid to be this person. And it becomes intoxicating because you get all this attention.

And then you got to kind of get caught up in the momentum of being on the cover of these magazines. And this girl's got a feud with that girl and I won't work with her and blah, blah, blah. But when you watch them scream and yell at each other and, Oh my God, I can't watch that after a while. I can't watch the,

um, like when they, cause those shows, they, they ride on like the, the fuel of that show is confrontations. And after you watch, you know,

so many people argue and insult and get like just mean and shitty. Like after one commercial break after you watch, you know, so many people argue and insult and get, like, just mean and shitty. Like, one commercial break after the other, there's a certain point where I tap out. I can't do it, you know. Well, it's also for nothing. Right. There's nothing happening. Nothing of substance is arguing. Yeah.

It's not like somebody robs someone in some sort of a business deal. I told Kathy that my party was Friday, and she said she was bringing Ramone, and I was like, you can't fucking bring Ramone. It's not your party, bitch. I can't believe... And then, like, that is the episode, is that Kathy's bringing Ramone to the fucking party without asking. Maybe if you would just get off those

fucking pills, you would know. Bitch. Fuck you, bitch. These girls were... One of them was going on. She said something about, you know, everybody knows about your husband. You bring my fucking husband up, you fucking bitch. She throws a drink at her and throws a glass at her and like, we don't even

know what they, I mean, it might not even be real. I mean, they might have orchestrated it. I mean, they might have said, she's gonna bring up your husband and you're gonna freak out. So when she brings up your husband, just freak the fuck out. Throw a glass. And she threw a glass, but she threw it kind of in her direction,

like at the ground. Like if you're throwing a glass at somebody, it's already assault, okay? If you hit someone with a glass, the glass breaks. I think that's assault with a dangerous weapon because it means glass. Are you going to fuck someone's face up? If someone's really trying to hurt you with a glass, they throw it at you, but they're not throwing it at you.

She's like throwing it like sort of at the ground, like in front of you to make a point. It's so dramatic and fake. Take all those bitches and bring them to that project that you went to.

Oh. Bring them to West Virginia. Make them hang out with the Real Housewives. I am sexy. Real Housewives. I always been the sexy one in my family. Oh, you fucking, what are you talking about?

I'm sexy. Look at my lips. You want Xanax? Four bucks. Just opening up her lips and stuffing trouts in it. Catfish. Plumping her lips up with just fish guts. Speaking of dicks, did you already talk about that guy with now the biggest dick in the world?

We haven't talked about it. The Mexican gentleman that has an 18-inch, 20-pound dick? Yeah. Where the circumference of the head is 10 inches? That dick pic, that would get Andy moist. It makes, not really, I think nobody wants an ass that stretched out. No. Plus, that's like a horse dick.

That's like the guy who fucked his death by the horse. It's a horse dick. It's probably bigger than a horse out. No. Plus, that's like a horse dick. That's like the guy who fucked his death by the horse. It's a horse dick. It's probably bigger than a horse dick. No. No, it's not. Well. The horse dick was literally like an arm. This is pretty close.

He said it's ruined his life. He said he's like, I don't know why it affected work, but it affected jobs. He said no woman wants to be with him. Yeah, but he's probably a fucking loser anyway. Yeah. Okay. She said no woman's wants to be with him. Yeah, but he's probably a fucking loser anyway. Yeah I mean wouldn't you do you think he's having fun listen to this episode? He's like he's Mexican. Yeah, he can't speak English. We don't he could we're not gonna stop Mexicans from downloading podcast They're rapists, but why don't I say that that's bullshit every time I go to San Diego

I'm surprised at how many people come to my show that are from Tijuana i really come up yeah you can come up like there's this like illusion you know like people have this idea that you it's it's impossible to like visit the united states from mexico you could totally visit yeah sure you can come up all the time like people come up from t1 all the time like whenever i do shows down in uh san die I do, either I do the parlor. What is that fucking place? Not the parlor. What is that shithole? I don't know. I only do, I'm doing the Balboa Theater next time I'm there.

But every time I go, I always meet people from Tijuana. Balboa, how big is Balboa? It's pretty big. 2,000 something. It's pretty big. It's a good spot. You don't do the clubs ever? I do sometimes.

I do American Comedy Club. I did that before. That's small. I do, I used to do La Jolla Comedy Store. Oh, right. I heard that's really nice, right? It's fucking great. I used to do that spot.

But then I didn't do the store for like seven years. But now that I do the store again, I might do that. I would be into doing it. I love that place. You're going to get a call today about that shit. It's a fun spot, man. Nick DiPaolo recorded one of his CDs there. At La Jolla?

Yeah, I think his first CD he recorded down there it's a great spot it's like the comedy it's the or in the comedy store but it's in la jolla which is a fucking great neighborhood by the way it's a nice neighborhood that's not the hazard projects no the la jolla though is tricky if you're raising kids because i have a friend who grew up in la jolla and she's like it's all just everyone's fucked up on drugs Like those kids are on oxys in high school. They're snorting meth and they're doing all kinds of crazy shit It's like everybody's ignored by their parents. There's like no real sense of community is rampant materialism There's like these there's a really oh poor baby Who you get it when you're growing up too rich.

I'm not saying that. But what I am saying is that everybody's got their problems. There's a comfortable medium somewhere. But the rich people that ignore their kids and that are just constantly focused on just making money, that develops some fucked up kids, man. Everything you're describing reminds me of the rich kids of Miami. Oh, yeah. Everything you describe reminds me of the rich kids of Miami.

Oh, yeah. It's something about the beach, the southern beach culture with lots of money, where it was just so... Kids grow up way too fast. In Miami, you can grow up way too fast with sex stuff, with drugs. It's like, dude, what? You're having sex? You're fucking 12. That's so crazy. crazy well i had to get

into concerts i had to suck some dick okay okay okay yeah sir yeah it is dangerous man but those cultures like where you have the rampant materialism and miami is one of the biggest showiest cultures that we have in this country when you drive down the street you're gonna see people that have these crazy cars and they have like neon under the cars. Like having a Ferrari is not good enough. You have to have a Ferrari with neon underneath it and you have to have big giant wheels. There was a fucking, this guy had a BMW.

I was in Miami recently. I flew from Costa Rica to Miami and I put a picture of the car on my Instagram page because it was so ridiculous. Yeah. He had a BMW with like 35-inch wheels, like wagon wheels on it. It was so stupid, it didn't even seem real. Like I couldn't believe that those were the real wheels he had on his car. And that was in Miami?

Yeah. Yeah. The guy who was the driver told us what it was, what they call it. They have like a name for it. They call it like when you put giant wheels on your car down there. Super black? No, I think it's Puerto Rican. Oh.

I don't know if it's super. Is that super black? Is that a black move? I mean, I think it's always, I've always associated it with black stuff. Sure. Yeah. That culture down there. There's something about that culture.

That Miami swag. Yeah. There's something about that culture that is also not quite's something about that culture. That is also not quite there It is look at the wheels on that come on Yeah, who the fuck wheels on that thing it's so stupid This is size of those things I mean that is a four-wheel drive Like looking wheel that should be on sweet ride man's a nice car. Yeah. It's a nice BMW. He fucked it all up with that.

Yeah, it looks like they're probably three or four sizes too big. At least. It's so fucking stupid. And it's got the deep dish. That doesn't go with that car at all. Yeah, what is it about having bigger wheels that anybody would ever think would be good? That took off. I want to say that took off in the, I feel like in the 90s, everybody, the whole thing was to get 20s.

And then I remember the first time I heard somebody in a rap song was like, I'm sitting on 22s. I was like, oh shit, he went up two inches. Like, deuce, deuce. That was a thing. And then it just, it must have just taken off. It's always about trumping that, right? Yes. 26.

Yeah, what do you got in yours? I'm sitting on 35s, man. That's so crazy. Do you remember when they used to have the dub thing by the front fender that would show, like it would have like the number 26? Oh, right. To show you. Yeah, show you what I'm riding on, dog.

You know, like a Boss 427? Yeah. Like those old Mustangs. Right. You would have it on the fender to let you know what was under the hood. Right, right. They would put that next to the front fender. The wheel size.

Let you know riding on some dubs. And dubs means 20s, right? Yeah, that's 20s, yeah. So the magazine Dub is all about 20s. 20s, man. Dub sack. That's 20s yeah so the magazine dub is all about 20s 20s man dub sack that's 20 sack yeah take that's all about the it's just what a goofy culture yeah but that miami culture on top of that has the echoes of the cocaine import business because when when I was in Miami, I had my buddy Steve Graham did his residency He went to me. I think he went either went to medical school down there, but he did his residency down there

And he's he's an ophthalmologist and he worked in the emergency room and he would show me these crazy Fucking pictures of dudes with like light bulbs stuffed up their asses like So many people would come into the emergency room with things stuck in their ass. Like, a guy had a gun stuck in his ass. He had a gun stuck in his ass. I don't know. I didn't ask. Fuck, man. That's so crazy. Like a.22 stuffed in his asshole.

Do you think that that's about showing up someone who's like, hey man, I had a fucking light bulb in my ass. He's like, you think you're fucking tough shit? And then he just grabs a gun and shoves it in his ass. I'll show you, bitch! I'll show you where I keep my gun, bitch! You see how raw I am? You want to know how real

I am? He spits on his gun. Just shoves it right in there. Raw dog. And the edge, all the hard edges of that metal, it's not a smooth oval shape. You gotta do some damage. God.

I'd be scared of fingernails. Forget about a fucking gun. Remember the guy, you saw the one guy, one cup, one jar. Yeah, I saw it. Jesus Christ. God, that's terrifying. And it breaks and he's like.

Well, it breaks and cuts him open and then he starts shitting out these chunks of glass. Like a clink, clink, clink. You don't hear him whimper at all. No. He didn't even, he probably wanted to be hurt. Yeah. There's certain people they believe have different sensors. Like they have a different sensitivity to pain.

Like literally they don't feel pain the way other people feel pain. And they think that that's like a lot of folks that are extremely into piercing. They get real nutty with tattoos and piercings. Lips, eyes. Yeah. And then self- mutilation yeah you know like they say that some some of those folks like they can't feel they don't feel like and then also it has something to do with some of them obviously not all of them but some of them it has something to do with emotional

pain yeah that makes sense to me and i also have heard about like the uh that sensory receptors in our brains and some people can get overlapped where things that are supposed to be like a pleasure receptor goes to pain and pain goes to pleasure you know so something that that's supposed to hurt you ends up feeling good what the fuck yeah something that's supposed to be like uh you know that your brain's supposed to tell you don't do that ends up being like, this is good. Put a gun in your ass. Put a gun all the way in your ass. That's such a crazy thing to do. Remember that bit on Jackass when he has the car in his ass, the little tow car?

No, no, no, no. That's one of my favorites of all time. Was that one or two? I think that's in one. That's in one. You know, I've never watched all, don, no, no. That's one of my favorites of all time. Was that one or two? I think that's in one. That's in one. You know, I've never watched all, don't put it up. I've never watched all of Jackass. Really?

No. I only watched like a couple stunts from like one of them. I can't. There's something about those guys doing that shit, even though I know they're alive because they already did it. Yeah. There's something about that that I don't like. And one of the things that I don't like is because I've been around dudes like that,

and not to the extreme that those guys take it because those guys go too far, but I'm always like, you guys are going to get fucked up, and then it's not going to be funny anymore. Like what you're doing now is adorable if you don't get killed or maimed or paralyzed. Throughout the thing, every time, basically every segment, someone should be hurt, maimed, paralyzed throughout the thing. Every time, basically every segment, someone should be hurt, maimed, paralyzed or killed every time.

Yeah. Without question. Yeah. It's so crazy what they do. And the idea that you're getting attention for this is crazy because now other kids are going to get attention for the same fucking thing and they're going to try to up you. Everyone tries to up everybody and he gets to this point where? It's it's you know you're gonna hit a wall. You're gonna fucking die. Yeah, no, it's crazy I mean well that one guy did die not doing it when he was drunk drive drunk driving

Yeah, but I think that had to have something to do with the way they were living they live crazy dudes push each other Right and if in you're in that environment where Mikey's so sick He's the sickest you think you're sick what do you mean mikey yeah and then mikey's like i'm gonna do a flip off this building don't do it mikey you know what mikey i'm gonna put a gun in my ass right now like you're tough shit i'm crazy i can't watch those i can't watch those this this bit is actually though this is the it's the funniest and the least like crazy as in there's there's nothing you don't see anything being done you just see the guy go to the doctor and he goes to a spanish-speaking doctor and they do an x-ray and there's a toy car in his ass

and so it's the doctor just talking to them he's like and he's speaking Spanish the whole time he's like I'm not just a lot of people supporting like he's Anoche estaba haciendo su partying. He's telling somebody else that this guy was partying. And he's like, tiene un carrito en su culo. It's hilarious. Carlito means a little car? Carrito. Is it carrito? It's like, yeah.

Not like Carlito's way? No, no. Carrito. Like un carro. But like carrito is little car. So he has a little car in his ass. It's a toy car in his ass. That doesn't bother me as much as like when Johnnyny knoxville after he was a movie star yeah after he's a movie star or he's doing fucking that

major motion pictures yes and he puts a blindfold on and lets a bull it's crazy charge him and flip him to the air it's so crazy i know you want the whole time you're like it is crazy that they're alive fuck man that bull when that bull launches him him, and he doesn't know where the ground is. I mean, I guess you have a sense of gravity, but he can't see. He's got a blindfold on, so he literally has no idea. And that bull, just by sheer luck, doesn't stomp him to death or shove a horn through his asshole. Or how about when he got, I think in one of those, you know, it's one of these things, I mean, you know it probably better than anybody.

He lets, he goes into like, I think an antique store. Oh, Butterbean. Dude, and like just lets, like just lets him unload. Yeah. And like, yeah, Butterbean is not obviously a super fit guy, but he can throw fucking hammers. And he's just punching him in the head. Yeah, everything. He's got Bouncing off of and he's punching him into walls and shit

You know I think it was where he they did it cuz I need butter bean did one with them where he beat one of the Guys up I forget which one it was he knocked guy out I think yeah, I don't know if it was John. I don't think it was Johnny wasn't though I don't think it was what was Johnny Knoxville And then there was the one where they had another guy go in with a female Muay Thai fighter. And she was fucking lighting him up. Yeah, she beat the fuck out of him, too. I'll take that over Butterbean.

Me, too. Butterbean's goddamn terrifying. That fucking dude hits hard. Yeah. Yeah, he's fat as fuck, but he's also a giant dude. Yeah. And if you stand right in front of him, you know how strong you have to be just to carry around all that weight? Yeah.

Like, if Ralphie May lost all that weight, do you know how strong his legs would be? Yeah, he'd be, because he's, every time he stands up, he's squatting, whatever, that entire, yeah. He's carrying 500 pounds. Right. Like, and he walks down the street, he's carrying 500 pounds. Right. You know?

That's the amount of muscle strength that's required to do that I mean the pressure on his joints and his knees and crazy ankles and yeah Oh, it's amazing that guys like that can even walk yeah, you know like when you see those I Was at Disneyland recently and there's people in these scooters like everywhere like everywhere you look there's people in these scooters. They're just Overflowing on the sides of the scooters. And like these people have just committed to eating so much. Yeah. They're like, you know what?

Fuck it. I'm just going to motor around everywhere I go. My joints, they're just not designed for this. My back's not designed for this. But I'm not going to fix anything. I'm just going to keep eating. I think they get overwhelmed by how far gone they are. Yeah.

Because it's too hard to stop. It's too. Yeah. Because it's too hard to stop. It's too hard to stop. It's too hard to stop. And also part of the problem is all your pleasure now comes from that. Your pleasure comes from food. Like I get a lot of pleasure from food. Yeah, sure. You know, it's hard to pass up on some yummy food.

When someone like you pass by a hot dog stand and, you know, you see the sauerkraut and you smell the dogs You're like, oh, I could go for one of those right now. Yeah, one of those sweet buns those smushy white bread buns You know, it's all dog shit. It's all terrible. You know what you got me into i'll blame you But it's not there anymore But I did it with you a couple times and I was like this is and I started to do it without you and pretend I'm you like Like uh when we would get back on flights from in the delta terminal and that place that used to have that chocolate croissant you know i'm talking

about the one it's gone like that place shut down but we would go there on return flights and get a chocolate croissant and it was like super rich like flaky it was buttery it was really buttery it was like a real good croissant like. Like the pastry part of it was very fluffy and buttery. And the chocolate was, you know who's got the most dog shit croissants on the planet? Who? Starbucks. You said it right when I was saying it. You knew.

I knew. God, their croissants are dog shit. And they just, they were even worse. They upped their game recently. How recently? Well, I mean, when was the last time you had one? A couple months ago. Really? And that was the worst?

It was horrible. Oh, wow. Because if you had what they had last year, it would be even more dramatically dog shit. This is a Russian bakery that I go to, and their croissants are fucking banging. A great buttery chocolate one. This place, they make their own. Yeah, that's the key. Starbucks, it comes in this little plastic

thing and they open it up. Yeah, they hire a company to do it. Yeah, they become corporatized. You don't have to do that. You could make it in-house or at least heat them up in-house. You have some delivered to you. Yeah. This Russian place I go to, they sell coffee too and they have chocolate croissants there. I'll take you if you want to go. Oh, I want to go. We'll go after this. I want to go. I'll take you. It. This Russian place I go to, they sell coffee too and they have chocolate croissants there.

I'll take you if you want to go. Oh, I want to go. We'll go after this. I want to go. I'll take you. It's not that far. Okay, let's go. It's so good.

They're the best chocolate croissants I've ever had in my life. Really? Oh, yeah. I'm so into it. I go to a place near my place that they bake them there and they lay the chocolate

and it's like, yeah. These Russians, they take it to another level. They take it to another level. They also put chocolate chips on top of the croissant. Stop it. Shut your mouth. They fill the inside of the croissant with chocolate chips.

It's melted down when they cook the croissant. And then they put chocolate chips on the top. And then it's like a shiny glaze. And you bite into it. And it's like, oh, Christ. Next level. Next level from the place that was in the Delta Terminal, which was also next level. Yeah, that was great, man.

That was great. You know, and the thing is about eating that rich food, too, is that now, like, for me, I love food, too. I get so much pleasure from food. If I work out the way I've been working out now where I'm, you know, doing, like, pretty hard workouts, I feel that thing where it's like. You reward. Oh, yeah. I can eat anything, know Which I can't But I do

Reward yourself Tommy Yeah Oh Tommy eat a 16 Eat a 26 ounce ribeye right now It's waiting for you Tommy Butter Butter on your ribeye

How about a little butter Oh yeah A little garlic butter Yep Let it melt in there Cut into that flesh And have that butter Dip it in the butter Lobster flesh and have that butter dip it in the bar

Lobster mac and cheese How about different kinds of cheese to oh yeah multiple different cheeses Yeah a good mac and cheese like a really like tastefully done gourmet mac and cheese It's fucking hard to pass up on where when you pull in the Mac up, the cheese strings, the melted cheese is like clinging to the fork. It's like, Oh,

one of those like TLC did one of those shows where, uh, you know, like the, the best Mac and cheese places. And I almost jerked off watching it. Like it was so good. Like it was so,

I was, I was, I was so stuck on, I couldn't peel my eyes away from the show. Oh, it's so good. I can taste it. I mean, there's places that just do mac and cheese. I bet they do. Those fucks.

I can taste it right now. No. What are we doing? I missed that. When I was gluten free, that was the thing that I missed was pasta. I missed linguine with clams. Like, a good linguine with clams is like, that's how you know if a restaurant's for real. A legit Italian spot, right?

A legit Italian restaurant has a linguine with clams. It's not a soup. Right. Okay? Yeah. It's just like a little, it's a mild sauce, a white sauce with the linguine, where you can chew the linguine. It's got a little bit of a little chew to it. And then the fucking clams have to be fresh, and there's a little garlic and olive oil,

and oh, Jesus Christ, it was good. I've been on this foodie kick on the road lately where I've been trying to find the best restaurants in cities, and every place seems to have a grilled octopus dish now. Oh, yeah. And I tear it up every time. Grilled octopus is very good. Yeah. I'm a big fan.

I'm a big fan of it. Yeah. I've ordered two in one place. I was like, bring out another one. They're like, I'm sorry. I'm like, bring it out again. That's one of the things, though. You're doing really well now.

You're starting to make a lot of money on the road. You're doing very well. And that's when the things you go, you know what? I'm going to treat myself. Oh yeah. It's bad. I want to treat myself. But I have,

I have upped my workouts much more. Yeah. You still working out with Jesus? I am working out with Jesus, working out with him today. This evening. Tommy has a, um,

a trainer that will literally tell him how God wants him to work him out. God wants me to push you today. Like tell me the time when you came in, you were sick, dude. That's so bizarre. It is so bizarre. And I,

he dials it back sometimes and I'll forget about it and then it'll come up and I'll be like, what? Like, so this time I was, I, he's one of those people to, you know, the person that makes you feel like you're lying when you're not like,

he's one of those people where like i we had a workout scheduled and i could feel like like a respiratory thing coming on and i started to feel pretty bad so i called him and i go hey i don't i don't think we should work out tomorrow because i'm sorry i'm sorry to come down with something so we could do it like later and I think I should take a rest for a couple days well I mean like you're sick like well I'm feeling like I'm getting sick hmm yeah I mean you know maybe just like kind of gargle some uh some like sea salt and that's what I do and then you know just get some sleep and then because you know if you just don't want to do anything I'm like dude like I'm not making this up you know like I I feel is that sort of tone

it's a tone of like accusatory it's like an accusatory yeah it's an accusatory tone of like I mean are you just a quitter like that's what's like behind it and you're like dude all right so the next day I end up coming and I go hey i think uh you know like you could hear it in my voice like you know is it my chest i go i think we should just like stick to weights today and he's like yeah because they're like your lungs i go yeah so we keep like my from breathing really hard you know because it really doesn't feel good i didn't feel well at all and he's like all right so we start off like with some weights and then i don't know like at all and he's like all right so we start off like with some weights and then I don't like ten minutes in he's like bear crawl over to

there and then bear crawl back and then do some burpees I'm like all right I just start doing it and you know then I'm like I'm breathing heavier right because you're like doing cardio stuff I'm starting to breathe heavier. And it makes me run downstairs. It's like hit a heavy bag. And then it's like just ups the workout. And so like 40 minutes into it, I'm like, yeah, so much for keeping the cardio down today, huh? And he's like, well, you know, I was doing that at first. And then I kind of started to push you a little bit, and you could do it.

And then, you know, the Holy Spirit kind of, like, tapped me and was like, you know, like a little tap on the shoulder, like, you know, right now just pull back a little bit. So he'll let me know if I'm ever going too far. Like, he'll just give me, like, a warning. And I was like, all right, man. Like, I don't even know. Is this guy in your act yet?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. When can I in your act yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I gotta see. When can I see you again next? I haven't seen your act in probably, like, when was the last time we worked together? Six months, maybe? No, because we did Ice House. We did Ice House, but we did Vegas not too long ago.

Oh, that's right. That's right. That's right. But those are weird, because everyone gets distracted offstage, right? Yeah. I didn't see your set that time. Yeah, well, I mean, I just, you know. That's also a place where you can't see.

That's the Ka Theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't get out there. You just did it, right? I just did it last Friday. How was it? It was great. Crazy Drunks.

Crazy Drunks. Oh, my God. It was fun. It's always fun. But there's a lot of fucking maniacs in the audience this time. Really? It was pretty crazy. Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

It started right away. Ian Edwards went on stage. The first thing, they just started. There was a few people that were just hecklers. You know what it was, too? It was a light weekend for the fights. There wasn't that many people there. And it was a light weekend for my show.

And they gave away some comps. And when they give away comps, that's never good. It doesn't matter if it's 2,000 seats or 100-seat place. Comps, when they start comping places. Yeah, they gave away a couple hundred free tickets. Wow. That's all you need to do. Then it goes crazy.

You're going to have at least 20 animals. You give away 100 free tickets, you got 10 animals. Now, oddly enough, the McGregor fight weekend. That was awesome. That was beyond awesome. And we were preparing for it. For massacre. Like, I really.

You were nervous. I did. Yeah. But they were great. But also, like, it fed itself. The nervousness was like, we talked about, I think it was just a real brief, like, could be real crazy tonight. And that's all I needed to hear. Like, I was just imagining 2,000 Irish drunks, like, fuck you, like, just screaming at me. And so I was really, like, prepared for, like, oh, this is going to be bad, you know?

I went into it like that, which maybe is why I felt so good. Because it was the opposite of that. Well, that was a great crowd, though. They were really good. Yeah, they were remarkable. They were so good. I mean, just, like, you would never have imagined there was 2,000 people in that room, 2,000 plus or whatever the fuck it seats.

It seemed like it was intimate. Like, they were great. They were just excited about that weekend. You know what the Jesus trainer also did recently was we were doing, there's a type of rack where you can squat but it also has arms that go out this way so you can it basically puts it at hip level so you can do like power cleans and stuff off of it so it's on there the bar's on there and he's having me change out go up by tens so it's like 10 on each side and then 20 and 30 and 40 50 and i was like should i use the bigger weights because

we're just adding tens and And he's like, no. Okay. And then he's like, you know what? Take them all off and now start putting on bigger weights. I'm like, all right. So I have six tens like on each side. Right. So I take those all off and I put 45 and then 25.

And he's like, and then after a while he's like, how's that? Good. We keep going up. And he's like, yeah, after a while, he's like, how's that? Good. We keep going up. And he's like, yeah, yeah. I go, what? He's like, Holy Spirit was, uh, told me that like to have you use the bigger weights for your risks. I know sometimes you have a problem with your wrists. So I think by you moving around those heavier weights, it's better for your wrist.

But it was the Holy Spirit that told him to have me stop doing the lighter weights and use the bigger weight did you risk it sore sometimes like sometimes you know my wrists yeah I think I feel like I have like just weak wrists like in general mm-hmm so I have sometimes I have some pain there or like with power cleans you know instead of like having them underneath, I have like maybe a limited range with them. As far as like how far it goes back? Yeah. So it hurts sometimes.

And I've like suggested maybe I should get, you know. Straps? Wrist straps or something. Whatever. We just had conversations about it. You know what can help as well is there's some mobility exercises that you can do. That's what I need. To stretch out your wrist.

That could help a lot. For most people, if you live your life up to a certain point and you've never really pushed them, they have a limited range of motion just based on it. But you could change that range of motion with stretching. Another thing that can help the strength of them is, do you ever have a roller? Do you know what that is? Like you have a stick and there's a long string on the bottom of it and then you put a weight at the bottom of the string and then you roll it up. I've seen those. Those are great for strengthening the

wrist and strengthening the forearm as well. Those are really good for that. Have you ever read that forearm strength is hereditary? Is it? That's what I've read. I don't know if it's true or not. I mean, obviously you can work on it, but you know some people just have that natural, incredible strength, like forearm strength, like with a grip. Well, it's also the size of the hands. Yeah. That is a big factor because if you have small hands, very difficult to have strong forearms or strong hands if they're small. If they're small if they're small well it's like there's leverage in having a larger hand like guys who have like those big kareem abdul-jabbar

like shaquille o'neal must have like a grip of death like you shake shaquille o'neal's hand my hand disappears in his hand it becomes like a little child's hand yeah yeah i noticed even in like his stature is not as big you know he's he's only like five, nine or ten. But that with Tyson. Oh, yeah. His hand went around my hand. Well, he's got those wide fucking hammer fists. Yeah. You know, and when you have a thicker, like longer fingers, it's like in jujitsu,

one of the things that is a big advantage is having longer limbs. Like guys who are long, like there's this guy, Hodger Gracie, he's long and tall, and he finishes a lot of guys with arm bars and triangles, and he has all this extra leverage because he has length. Right. And for chokes, guys with long arms are really good a lot of times at getting chokes off their back, like triangle chokes and chokes from, because they have more length of their bone,

they have like a longer, there's more leverage involved. You can get around someone. Yeah. And it makes sense with hands too. Like someone with like longer hands, it's more, they can crush you more. There's more there. But like little hands, like you're fucked. Like people with little hands, it's very difficult for them to generate power.

You can be fast and there's a certain amount of power involved in speed. But like George Foreman, one of the things that people like apparently George Foreman I never shook his hand, but it's like shaking a canned ham. Oh, really just this fucking monstrous Club of a hand. Well, he was just that was just a fucking sledgehammer. Come on. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, that's one of the reasons why but the human body like very so much I mean, there's so many different things that are definitely genetically Yeah They're advanced advantageous. It's one of the weird things about the argument when it comes to steroids or no steroids or

Performance enhancing drugs. Yeah, like there are advantages just to being born with certain genetics Giant advantages. I have small hands they're not tiny they're not tiny but they're pretty small my stick it's pretty average I think it might be like we might fit the actual measurements of the National American Society's for small penises no for average dicks for average yeah not like that Mexican dude how do you think his hands are how if you could if you if you had his dick you wouldn't be good you think his hands are? How, if you could, if you had his dick, it wouldn't be good, right? I bet his hands

are like those big foam number ones. Would you want a dick like that? No. But if you could shape the perfect dick, what measurements

would you want? My dick could have been a disaster. Everybody's dick could have been a disaster. We've all met people with birth defects. Yeah.

All sorts of, I'm very happy with my dick. But if you could shape, I'm good. I won't even enter this conversation. You won't enter the conversation met people with birth defects. Yeah. All sorts. I'm very happy with my dick. But if you could shape... I'm good. I won't even enter this conversation. You won't enter the conversation? My dick's great. Yeah. I'm a fan. I like mine. I like it. It could be way worse, man. Yeah, yeah. Dudes have micro dicks, and there's not

a goddamn thing in the world they can do about that. And that is really fucking sad. It's sad and it's real. And there's nothing they do. There's nothing they can do. We've all seen, like, I went to see this guy once in a concert. He took his pants off and

he calls himself Extreme Elvis. And part of his gag was that he has the tiniest dick you've ever seen. I mean, his dick is like and I'm not bullshitting, his dick is like the bottom two digits on my pinky. yeah I mean it's it's it's so small and this guy would take off his clothes and he would he was owning it right

he was trying to just own it yeah yeah that was that sucks yeah yeah he's fucking talented as shit too yeah really like really good singer great band and uh it was a crazy show he would he would take off his clothes and it would piss on the audience he would pee on people he would piss is it Gigi Allen no he had this girl that it was his she was a singer and she would take her top off she had great tits too she's pretty and she was talented she's like a talented musician and he would pee in her mouth he's like I say who wants to drink the Kings piss she's like I do i do any piss in her mouth what was his name extreme elvis jesus man because gg stuff right oh yeah yeah yeah he would smear shit on people right yeah he had a little

dick yeah and he would parade that shit around yeah maybe that's where all the rage came from i bet it has something to do with it yeah for sure yeah for sure it has something to do with it. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. For sure it has something to do with it. A lot of people's rage comes from being fucked with. Yeah. And from also feeling the inequality. Yeah. You know, you feel like you got fucked. Yeah.

Like you got a shitty hand. Right. God damn it. Look at these fucking two ones. Yeah. This motherfucker's got a full house. Yeah. That's true.

I get my best hand. It's fucking bullshit. God damn it. God damn it. God damn it. That's life. Micro dick. Micro dick. And there's not a damn thing they can do about it.

For now. But the day they fix it, oh, we're going to have a lot of those Mexican dudes around. Do you ever see a bit I used to do about big dick pills? Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of my best bits. Yeah, that was great.

Big dick pills, yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was one of my best bits. Yeah, that was great. Big dick pills, yeah. But that is... Well, people are doing big dick surgery now, which... Oh, but it's not... I saw a thing one time, a video on it, where, like, that shit looked so... What happened on the video I saw, the guy got, like, the injections and everything. It just looked like a rubber sleeve. Like, there were no veins in it anymore. You know, it just looked like a rubber sleeve. Like there were no veins in it anymore.

You know, it was just like, and I don't think it got hard. It just was, it was big and doughy and like half full. It was like a bigger limp dick, but then it looked fucking weird. So he would just like smack people with it? Yeah, check out this big soft dick.

Fuck you, but you ain't smacking the face with this dick, schmuck. God. Yeah. 18 inches, though. They can't do a damn thing about a micro dick, which is amazing. They figured out a way to make it hard. That's one thing they figured out, boy. That changed the world.

The guy who figured out Cialis and Viagra, that guy must have made so much fucking money. Oh, my goodness, the amount of money they must make doing that stuff. Oh, my God. It's vasodilators, right? They figured out a way to. And, you know, those are banned from the Olympics. Do you know that? Really?

Yeah. So they open your capillaries, right? Yeah, well, they help performance. They help your endurance. You get more blood. Yeah, it just totally makes sense. But I think that if you could figure out a way to actually make something where dudes dicks grew it would probably be the

most the most lucrative investment ever yeah yeah there was there because everybody even if like you're thrilled with your dick someone's like yeah it's fun just try one you even if you're thrilled with your dick, if someone's like, it's fun, just try one. You're going to buy it. Come on. Add an inch. You wouldn't want another extra inch. An inch? Yeah, come on.

You're like, I'll take an inch. You're happy with it, right? You're happy with your dick? Are you thrilled? Yeah. Are you thrilled? And they start getting agents as the salesmen. You know, they're all salesmen,

so it's like get fucking all the agents in there and being like. Speaking of lucrative i was with with ian edwards this weekend and uh greg fitzsimmons and uh ian and i were flying home and we were at the terminal we ran into this girl that uh ian knew uh from the store and apparently she's a stripper and uh she uh we were sitting down having a coffee and she asked if she could sit with us yeah sure go ahead sit with us and so she started talking about working at Spearmint Rhino, stripping and this and that. She worked this weekend? Yeah.

Yeah. And she was coming back and, you know, she was just talking, you know, everybody was cheap and this and that and that and this. And then she said she was working with this girl. She's working with this girl. And the girl, and I go, what percentage of the girls that you work with are willing to have sex uh with guys for money and she's like um there's quite a few she goes i work with this one girl this weekend who was like how lucrative do you get

and she goes what she goes how lucrative do you get because i get i'll be getting lucrative do you get? Because I'd be getting lucrative. And she goes, what do you mean lucrative? She says, I go back to a dude's hotel room for $1,000. I get lucrative. Lucrative. Lucrative. And this girl was married to a guy, apparently, that is not gay, but is a dancer. He dances for men, and he's gay for pay.

Yeah, he's gay. Her husband is her husband. He's gay. Well, let, like, five guys run a train on him. Sure. It's so fucking unacceptable. Dude, hey, one night, he doesn't have to work for the rest of the month. Okay. How's that? How's your sleep? Are you sleeping well? Is everything good?

Okay. Okay. Are you out of your fucking mind? He's lucrative. He's real lucrative. I saw that like uh, MTV, oh MTV Real Life thing, they did that with a guy. Where he was like, I'm not gay, and these he was like I'm not gay and these six guys about to Blow these six guys I saw that dude, and they were all clowning him do you remember that yeah?

They were all openly gay, and they're like dude. You're sucking our dick today, right? He's like I'm getting fucking a good super lucrative. He had a girlfriend too and his girlfriend like I don't like it But it's what his job is and his girlfriend was like kind of homely, and he was a good-looking guy. Yeah, yeah. And I remember the line that he had to say in the video, anal sex is the bomb. That's what he had to say before these dudes ran a train on him. Fuck, man. He's just getting lucrative.

How lucrative you get. I get pretty lucrative. Oh, man. How crazy does shit get in a vegas strip club on fight weekend this girl man i was just i wished we had more time yeah so she could tell me more crazy stories lucrative stories how lucrative do you get what's that um stripper there's a stripper feed like what strippers said or something you know i'm talking about? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it.

That's pretty funny. I met one of the guys that works for that feed, has a buddy that fights in the UFC. And so I go back and forth with that dude sometimes on Twitter because I follow them. Yeah. Stripper genius. Yes, yes. Some of this shit is hilarious on that feed i can't wait to be completely done dancing because i'm sick of digging my fucking t-bar out of my ass crack all night um that's kind of mild yeah it's mild but there's some

good ones in there there's some good ones in here stripper genius follow that on on the twitter i'm with my new guy so no more masturbating for me. Okay. Here it is. Maybe if you ate a burger, you'd have some ass and titties. I've done cocaine with a lot of rock stars. Too many, really. I'm sorry if my breath smells like tomatoes and liquor. I like that. There's too many bitches and not enough sluts.

Amen, sister. Fucking booty calling a hoe just to get bitched out is depressing and amusing. It's like a dick for some pizza right now. These are all good. They're not bad. There's good ones in there, but you got to fish for them. They should post less quality over quantity. Because some of those are just not that interesting. But the good thing is, they should post a less It's quality over quantity because some of those are just not that interesting

Yeah, but some of them are but the good thing is they're all real like they're not like this It's not like a comedy writer Who's like trying to find out what the funniest shit that a stripper could say so they should use that on stripper genius though How lucrative are you willing to get please? How lucrative do you get I get put in lucrative? Imagine a girl like a rosie perez accent yeah yeah that's the perfect person to say it i get real lucrative how lucrative are you willing to get get back in the day yeah put that phone down tommy okay you're addicted you're searching for more right yes super addicted ari Shaffir has a really good fucking point.

I'm not following him into the abyss of the flip phone, but he's like, in the morning... In the morning I would waste a half an hour. Every morning I just get up, I check Facebook, I check my Twitter. He's right. He's right. I do it. I take my morning shit, I get excited. Bring that phone to the bathroom, I do the exact same thing. That shit, I'll walk towards the bathroom and be like, oh, I forgot that shit. Turn around.

Because there's some people's Twitter feeds that are fun. I want to follow them. And there's always like some new news story or some interesting thing that's going on. I get most of my news from a Twitter feed. In the bathroom. Yeah, because I'll follow breaking news, New York Times. What's going on right now? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. RIP Wes Craven. Fuck. That. Like, RIP Wes Craven. Fuck. That's how I found out Wes Craven. Yeah, exactly. Oh, the trending stuff? For sure. That's how I found Robin Williams died.

RIP Robin Williams. I was like, what? Yeah. No way. That one didn't feel real. Yeah. I remember I saw that written down. Man.

RIP Robin Williams. I was like, what? It's crazy that one year just passed on that. I couldn't believe it. Yeah. That flew, right flew right yeah it did that's one thing that you'll find especially once your kid is born time accelerates every year quicker yeah every year like your kids were babies like I feel like yesterday I do yeah and your kids it's gonna be the same thing with you and then one day they're gonna be off to college Sorry off, you know being an adult how old now how old are you seven and five? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's weird

It's it's real weird watching other people's kids grow up too. And also here's another thing That's weird watching people's bad Parenthood skills manifest themselves in their kids. You see it. I have a friend who's got a fucking eight-year-old that still sucks his thumb And he thinks it's okay. He's like it's no big deal. I go no It's a big deal like your kids sucking his thumb yeah like he's this is not like healthy behavior You're not supposed to be sucking your thumb when you're eight yeah your kid's gonna get fucked with yeah He's gonna get fucked with by other kids in school. He's not already getting fucked with like that's just weird you start I started paying attention more you know you start to key into things more

Like we're at a restaurant and now when we see like you're sitting next to a table Worth it's a family and they have the kid and the kids like seven eight and he's on an iPad Mmm with the volume up so either watching a video or playing game and you're hearing and you're sitting you're like they are teaching him that that's okay like be entitled be oblivious like how are you not telling them we're in a restaurant right now you know at least if you're gonna check out and play games bring the no one wants to hear the explosions yeah but i start to pick up on that more like they're that's why that when that guy grows up

and he's oblivious like whoa what's everyone's problem that i'm doing fucking whatever i want no matter who's around me all the time because they put it in them they let them know it's okay no one told them like no you have to be considerate of the people around you. Well, electronics are so unnatural, too. We all love them. You know, everybody loves a good movie or everybody loves to look at their phone or check their email. It's for whatever reason, it's compelling. But they're so unnatural that when you're all sitting around a dinner table and there's five people and everyone's, like, staring at an iPad. You see it all the time now.

Yeah. At least a phone. Yeah. You know, but for little kids, what it is, is their kids are hard to tune into. Right. They care about shit you don't give a fuck about. Like, I took my kids out for breakfast this morning and we're sitting around and we're coloring.

You know, a lot of times when you go to a restaurant, they have a kid's menu. Right. And they give you some crayons. So we're drawing, you know, and they want to want to but she's like can I play with your phone like let's just do this let's just do this let's do this but that fucking phone is better what age you give him a phone I don't know that question that's a good question I think that age changes when right hmm yeah you can there's a new thing that they have for kids it's like a wristband, almost like a watch type thing that has a tracking device on it.

Tell you where your kids are all the time, and there's a button they press on it where it will call you. Only you. It's not a phone, but it'll call you. Like, Dad, you left me over by Pirates of the Caribbean. I'm lost. And then you got to go find your kid. Do they have that? Yeah.

Wow. They have that. Wow. That's lost. And then you got to go find your kid. They have that? Yeah. Wow. They have that. Wow, that's cool. And then that's step one. Then your kid's going to be calling you all the time. Yeah. Pressing that button. Dad, I hate second grade.

It's bullshit. Dad. Dad, I don't want to go to school. Dad. You're going to get that a lot. Or not. Maybe they'll love it. That's true.

Yeah, they could. The idea that a kid is supposed to be thinking about what they want to do for their future, though, is crazy. Like, there's people that are prepping their kid for whatever future. I remember kids I went to school with that were being prepped for med school in elementary school. So I think it's kind of fucked up for you and I more than anybody else, especially because we actually love what we do. And what we do is so discouraged. Yeah, true. Nobody says, Tommy, you should really be a stand-up comedian.

No. Just start fucking with your teachers now. Yeah. Is there any kid in class that really stands out as being annoying? Can you imitate him? Yeah. Start imitating him and put him in ridiculous scenarios like in Napoleon's army. You know, put him, start doing impressions.

If you think of something funny to say in a really serious moment in class, just blurt that shit out. Yeah. If you can get a laugh in class, share in math class. Oh, that's the greatest thing we had a thing in when i was in fifth grade where like if you got in trouble in the first part of the day you didn't get to go to recess you know and then recess is like everything recess is like hey do you want to go to fiji to adults right when you're a kid they're just like recess is a fucking shit and i remember like biting my lower lip be like oh if i say this i'm gonna get taken out of recess but then i'd be like ah just say it anyways and then it's like no recess you know but like it

was worth it to to make everybody in stupid class laugh i wasn't funny in school like with things i said but i would draw things that were funny i I would draw cartoons. Like we had this guy, Mr. White. Mr. White was crazy. He went to Vietnam and bad things happened to him over there. Really? Yeah, he was shell-shocked. That's what we used to call it back then before they used to call it PTSD. But he was a real tiny guy.

He was like 5'2". So every time I would draw him, I would draw him standing on a box or standing on a chair or standing on a stool. And he would, like, someone asked for a pencil once. And he goes, you want a pencil? He goes, come here. Come over here. And he takes the drawer from his desk.

He yanks it out. It's got pencils in it and slams it on the ground. And he goes, take one of those pencils. Holy shit. And everybody was like, what the fuck? And we all knew that this guy had been to Vietnam. He would talk about it occasionally. That's pretty terrifying to do that.

He was in a good school system too. This was Newton South High School. So Newton South High School was like, they did bus kids in from bad neighborhoods and that was an issue because they did bring these kids in from like Dorchester and Mattapan, like really bad neighborhoods. And there was definitely a difference.

And everybody was like, like these lambs, these suburban lambs, and then these urban wolves that would come into the city. But it wasn't too bad. You know, it wasn't like gangs or anything crazy. And this was like, I went to high school, I graduated in 85, and that was before rap music. It was before Straight Outta Compton and all that crazy shit where things escalated.

Like violence and rap music, no matter what anybody says, absolutely perpetrated like a different sort of acceptable mentality or a different sort of behavior they aspire towards. That wasn't going on when I was in high school. So when I was in high school, like Sugar Hill Gang was like the big thing. Right. That was like junior high school. I said hip. Hip, hop. Hip to the hip. Hip to the hip hop. It wasn't that kind of, the kind of music that was, you know, it just wasn't gangster rap. Right. Like gangster rap sort of changed things. Big bank hank. Forget what my point was. They weren't that bad. And this guy, so this guy, Mr. White, was growing up in this neighborhood.

Right. And in this neighborhood, it really was, you know, it wasn't like a dangerous place. Sure. But he would fucking freak out. But he was a good dude, though. He was a really nice guy, and he was a very smart guy, too. Like, I had some really interesting conversations with him. He was very aware.

But he just had a trigger. He took a joke really well, though. I'll tell you that, man. He never got upset at my cartoons. Really? He laughed. He thought they were funny that man. He never got upset at my cartoons really he laughed I thought they were funny man I'm a smart dude, but it's funny when you grow up to think of your teachers as people as opposed to like when you're a Student and a kid yeah teachers are like you know you don't imagine your parents are people they're your parents

Mm-hmm and teachers have like that special place that like that's mr. White yeah You say they're like their names like i don't know like it just then you grow up and you're like oh that was a miserable fucking guy like he hated like i remember teachers that were just hate like clearly hated teaching you know yeah there was a lot of those man yeah there was a lot of you know there's no money in it there's no money in it you imagine just dealing with a new crop of asshole teenagers every year that don't give a fuck about you but i you know one of the things that really bummed me out man was

people that would say like negative shit to kids and not realize the impact that negative shit has on them yeah like uh i uh i've told this before i think when i was in uh this is the only laugh i think i ever got in high school in a class. I got kicked out for it. My teacher, she was black, and she had a terrible accent. She was teaching math. And I was not paying attention and probably talking. And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these questions for this class?

And I said, would you like me to do both of those questions? And the fucking, it was just like, there was like a pause, like, no, he didn't. And then, like, everybody started, and then she goes, you know, she kicks me out, and she goes, don't laugh. Go ahead. You know, Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life. I'll tell you this right now. And then she kicked me out of class. I remember thinking that, like. What a rude thing to say

to a 14-year-old who, by the way, you may be teaching math, but you might want to work on English. Because that's not how you say both. You don't say both. There's not an F in there. So when you say both, all I did was say, would you like me to do both of those questions?

I said it the way you talk, and I got in trouble for that. Well, that seems pretty fucking ridiculous. Yeah. If your accent is so bad that all I have to do is imitate it and it gets a giant laugh in the class, you know what I did, and I know what I did. And the whole class knows what I did. I corrected your shitty way of talking. Yeah.

And that got me kicked out. And not just kicked out. Like, I'm going nowhere in life. It's a fucked up thing to say. It out like I'm going to say it's a fight I remember didn't work, but it could have very could I know I'm I witnessed a teacher Tell a kid You're nothing and you're not gonna amount anything and it was in a moment of rage like I could see Whoa, the kid had just gotten in big trouble

So it was like he was flipping out but the kid getting big trouble for he we were on a um uh like a school trip and he had fucked around with the air conditioning at a public place like and he he said it he said he said it at 90 so he said the heat on but he was kind of a he he was a troubled kid. Right. And this teacher said that to him, man, I remember all of us that were in the room. Cause we weren't all,

it was only like 10 of us when this guy came in to like, to, to yell at him. We all just stared at the ground. Cause it was, he was, he was so full of rage when he said it to this kid, but he really went,

I mean, he went in hard. I'm not even doing a fraction of it. And he was like, you're not shit and you're not going to amount to shit. Ooh. What the fuck? Yeah. He's treating that killer.

You're grown up. Yeah. How old were they? The, the, the kids. Yeah. We were, we were, uh, I think juniors in high school. We were, we were old enough. Yeah.

But like, it still was fucked up to say. That's fucked up. Yeah. Fucked up, man. Ooh. That's 16? Yeah. Yeah. But like, it still is fucked up to say. That's fucked up. Yeah. Fucked up, man. Ooh. That's 16? Yeah. 16.

16 to 17. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what, man? Some of those guys, it's just, there's PTSD in being a teacher too, man. For sure. The amount of stress and pressure that you have to deal with. That's fun.

And then you're trying to raise your family and everything on that bullshit salary that you get. Bullshit salary. Yeah. That's why when you get a good one, it's so memorable. I had a really, really good English teacher,

a really good English teacher and a really good Spanish teacher. The English teacher was so nice. She was so nice and everybody loved her and they got psyched when they got her. Yeah. Because she was like, she would talk like she was an older lady when I was in high school. I got to imagine she was probably in her late fifties to early sixties. And, uh, she would talk about sex and she would talk about like romance and, uh, you know, like how, you know, she was like talking about like literary works.

And then she would talk about how it applies and like what you're going to experience in your own life. And there's going to be times in your own life where you just think that this is everything and this person's everything to you. And those are wonderful moments. She goes, but they're transient. And sometimes they go away, especially when you're young, you're young and you're having sex with each other. And people and people like, what the fuck is she saying? Yeah. We couldn't believe it.

She's saying we're having sex. And she's like, and then, you know, that person might have sex with somebody else and you're just going to be devastated. But maybe they're just going to love you more once they do that. You know, maybe they'll make that mistake and it will just make them appreciate and accept you more. But some people can't. They can't deal with that. They can't deal with that. And I remember her saying that.

I was like, whoa, this is deep shit. That's pretty deep. High school English class. This classes old ladies talking about fucking people Yeah And cheating yeah jealousy and everything and how silly it all was and how in perspective But she was trying to you know give us like some I forget what the work She was referring to like what what book we're talking or what stories we were discussing that made her bring that up But I remember thinking like wow this lady just dropped some experience knowledge like i never forgot her

saying that like that you know when someone leaves you or someone cheats on you it'll feel like the most devastating thing ever but they might really just feel better because of like they might love you more because of that it might be better for your relationship after that's over she went through some shit yeah she must have yeah she must have but it was the way she was describing it to the class i had a great i had a great spanish teacher too spanish teacher was awesome he's like yeah he was like friendly and fun but then after i graduated i found out that he was banging students whoa yeah that's why he was so friendly yeah he banged one of my friends wow and she was 17 yeah she started he started banging her like as she was a senior in

high school i like i think he banged her a little bit as she's graduating too was he american yep yeah how old was he he was a handsome guy um i wish i knew. I would have to say, shit, you know, obviously I was 17, so he was an adult. I would say he's in his 20s maybe. Okay, so that's relatively a young teacher though. Yeah, probably like 20. I mean, graduated from college, so he has to be like 23, 24. But he's not 50. No, he's probably 30, like 29, 30, somewhere in that range.

But I was surprised he was banging 17-year-olds. I was like, oh, hey, buddy. I mean, look, in perspective, if he's 43 and the girl's 30, it's nothing. Right, yeah. But, yeah. And your students are different than... Yes. Yes.

Did he last long there? I don't remember. I don't know. I don't, you know, once I was gone, I was gone, man. When I graduated from high school, I fucking graduated. I mean, I never even went back and got my diploma. I didn't go to my graduation. I didn't even want it.

I was like, I don't want to have anything to do with this place. I just wanted to be free. Get out of there. I wanted to be free. I just knew whatever they were selling, whatever they were pushing, whatever mold they were trying to get me to fit in, it was unacceptable. And I had to figure out what, I had to like detox from whatever they did to me. And it wasn't their fault. It's like they're just teaching. that they don't want to do, along with the pressure of growing up, along with the pressure,

you know, whatever your parents are putting on you, what expectations your family might have. And with me, there's a lot of expectations with the people that I knew. Like a lot of the kids that I was going to school with, they were all set up for college and they all had these ideas of what they were going to do. And I was lost. I was like, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I was competing in martial arts tournaments, but I knew there was a limited amount of future with that. I was like, where can I take this? You know, I knew that eventually if I kept going to, I was going to get brain damage. I was probably already getting a little bit of it. And I was like this, if I keep going this, I'm going to wind up fucked in the head. Like I'm going to wind up slurring my words or something. Really?

in the head. Like I'm going to wind up slurring my words or something. Really? Fuck yeah, for sure. Especially once I started kickboxing. So, but I also knew that a job, like a job job, like an office job, fucking unacceptable, man. I can't do it. I just won't. I don't, I have too much energy or I have too much impatience or something. I mean, just not, I'm not going to be able to sit down. So I just had to wait until I got out of there To try to take a deep breath. I took a year off didn't do anything for a year Just worked worked and competed and then I started going to Boston or UMass Boston for Just like they had like a continuing education program like you didn't have to take your SATs. Yeah, I never took my SATs

Yeah, so I just went and I did that for three years and then I was like what I'm just wasting my time yeah fucking complete waste I fucking I knew that in an office it would be I think my literal death I could feel the depression of it sitting in you know like all especially because it was I think it's a lot of it it's not that working in an office is the worst. It's that it wasn't meaningful work. It wasn't anything that I cared about. Right. Any of the office jobs I had were just something to do cause you're supposed to have a job. And what did you think you wanted to do when you were in high school? Like when you're like, okay, Tommy, you're 17, you're about to graduate. What do you want to do?

I knew I wanted to do comedy, but I didn't know I wanted to do stand-up. I really thought that. I think it's because what's accessible or what seemed accessible or like the thing that I responded to was watching movies. So I thought I would be a comedic actor of some kind. That's what I thought. Who was your favorite? I loved the Belushi no Aykroyd I liked him I liked uh Bill Murray a lot and I liked uh Eddie Murphy like those were kind of like my

two favorites as as a course you know so like I thought everything both of their schools are like their their styles are really different but to me they were like the really the Chevy Chase and stuff like those guys were like the funniest fucking guys to me whatever happened to Bob and Doug McKenzie Bob and Doug McKenzie do you remember the honey I shrunk the kids guy oh yeah with the glasses yeah and then there was the other they had a show isn't that Rick Moranis yes he quit acting what happened with that guy he quit acting because he just didn't want to be that's what I read He didn't want to be in in the in he thought the business was ridiculous. Yeah, well There's a lot of people that feel like that. Yeah, he's just a certain point We just don't want to have anything I think he like he moved to like a you know

Just off not off the grid really but like just away from La and just done done just well he does for a living I did too I wonder I forget I read an article about him about how he just starring in movies and it was just like fuck this over it it's interesting that some some people do they have that wake up moment where like okay this is not what I wanted to do it's not what I thought it was and now that I'm doing it I gotta get out of this yeah I mean if you're working entertainment to especially like on the the

Acting you know directing side of thing like if you're like one of the I could see how There's so much nonsense involved in the business side of that that it's very at some point I could you know, you could be very talented and not be working at it and be like, what am I doing? Just trying to get into the system, you yeah well it seems unattainable yeah and when things seem unattainable you think you want them right you know right right right yeah you think you do well that's what i think happens to a lot of people when they get that reality show fame you know they think they look at it like if I was famous, boy, everything could be great. And then, you know, you wind up being one of the housewives.

It's like on the cover of the magazines. Then you realize how many fucking people hate you. Yeah. The anger. Have you ever like seen like the TMZ comments when one of those like real housewives gets in trouble? Like Jesus Christ. You're hated. Yeah.

Monsters out there that are focusing their rage for whatever disappointment they have in their life on you because you're the chick on the housewife with the fake lips. And to a certain extent too, it just, it's the, this is something more like relative, like they became about in the last, I feel like 15,

20 years, which is that being famous for the sake of being famous really is a curse. You know, it's a highly pursued thing now where people are just like, being famous has got to be the best thing ever. But when there's nothing behind the reason that you're known, I feel like that's just an a fucking empty black hole but is it a as much of a black hole as growing up in poverty in a bad neighborhood in LA like if you look at those kids that you saw in those projects that are in this trap yeah stuck in this awful neighborhood

crime infested community is that a worse life or is it a worse life to be kim kardashian where everybody just shits in your mouth everywhere you go well they shit in her mouth as she gets on a gulfstream g650 exactly you know so it's like yeah it's like i i understand the the question face too do you think do you think to her face they're mean i bet they're not no they're not i bet there's a lot of she's had some mean she's had some mean things probably yelled at, but there's no way people are as brutal as they are online to her face. No way. Yeah. Even those people that are brutal to her online, if they met her and they were in front of her.

Yeah. That's why the interaction with people online is so flawed. Yeah. I was reading a mean blog about someone the other day and I was like I wonder what this person how this person would feel they were sitting down with this guy having a conversation with them yeah like I wonder if they would write if they would say the same type of shit that they wrote when the person can respond it's like the blog writing a

mean blog about someone is really like the coward's way out it really is in a lot of ways because you're you're addressing someone that can't address you back in some sort of well then again so is shitting on them in a podcast or shitting on them doing stand-up yeah at least well that's i was gonna say at least we're trying to be entertaining but i guess they're trying to be entertaining when they write a blog too yeah they are they're trying to get something out of them um we were talking before the show about that girl who made that video about fat shaming yeah yeah i only know about it because i saw a tweet uh again going back to like the entertainment of it like i saw a tweet i saw the response video that uh sean halpin made i haven't seen that it

was pretty funny man it was really funny let's let's play that first of all i watched part of the video this morning it should have been edited i got i got her point after like the first few minutes but i thought it was it was good it was okay you know yeah well she's hot she's hot that's part of the problem right she's shitting on fat people and she's got a perfect body and beautiful face and yeah big old today's yeah But this is like you know I guess she makes I don't know YouTube video Yeah, but look there's a fucking business and making these goddamn YouTube videos there are the Comedy Store Next door they have that hotel where they use the side of the hotel as a billboard they paint stuff on it There's a huge one that was all just this YouTube page with this girl that I don't know who she is, but she has 2 million followers on YouTube,

and YouTube has decided to take out giant billboards on the Sunset Strip that show people that have more than a million followers. So they have, like, X amount of million. Wow. Yeah, and she has more than one, this one girl. I don't remember her name at all, but it's her with some cheese puffs. It's trying to be wacky. But there's several of them.

I've seen several. So if you can be entertaining, like this girl hit the fucking jackpot with this video. Because we're talking about it. It's on Twitter. A lot of people are talking about it. Sean Halpern does it? Sean Halpern. By the way, I'm not Sean Halpern, if anyone's watching's watching you're way better looking than him i don't give a fuck everybody

says let's let's play it let's see what uh their response got my kisha hair today you don't know if this is hairspray or semen no pretty sure that's semen dear fat people yes what do you have to tell us some people are already really mad at this video. Yeah, because I'm mad about your shitty act-outs. Ah! What are you going to do, fat people? I'm going to sit here and wait for you to tell me a hacky fat joke. What are you going to do? Wait, what are you going to do?

Are you going to chase me? Really? Are you going to chase me? No, I only chase after taco trucks and people that are relevant. It's going to be like fucking Frankenstein. Frankenstein wasn't fat. He was slow. Oh, oh, oh, I see what you're doing you're comparing. Someone took a comedy class. Yeah can you act out being a zombie so we can get the whole sci-fi

crowd and nerds behind you? I can get away from you by walking at a reasonable pace. Is that a snake? oh no it's just your lisp frankenstein not so fast zombies have apparently gotten faster oh we're talking about zombies now you're way off from your original message i watched like three episodes of the walking dead and not being slow myself in the brain yeah that's what i'm looking at realize that every single episode is exactly the same what you mean you mean killing zombies? That's what the show's about, dummy! Oh no, they need something. But it's all the way over there! Where the zombies are!

Yes, because that's what the show's about! And why is this being shot like an American Apparel ad? Fat shaming is not a thing. Fat shaming? It's not a thing? Why don't you tell that to the teenagers that killed their self because people were fat shaming them. Oh you can't because they're dead. Oh shit.

Yeah. It's probably made up. Probably made up by the same person that told you you have talent. That's the race card with no race. Oh now you're bringing race into it. Oh and can I get a shitty act out? Yeah, but I couldn't fit into a store. That's discrimination nailed it Nope, that means you're too fat. You should stop eating. Hey, can someone shut this bitch up drop that shitty act out?

There's a race card there's a disability card there's even a gay car a race card a disability card a Gay card this bitch better not have a disability card. There's even a gay card. A race card. A disability card. A gay card. This bitch better not have a SAG card. Because gay people are discriminated against. Wrongfully so. No way! The gay card's covered in glitter. It's fucking magical. Oh, I hope you choke on a glow stick. I hope somebody beats you with a unicorn. I hope somebody takes those three cards you're talking about and shoves them up your...

Are you gonna tell the doctor that they're being mean and fat fat shaming you when they say you have fucking heart disease? No, because he's a professional and he's saying it to my face. He's not on social media making dumb blanket statements. I said I'm not talking about people who have a little bit of cushion for the push. And if there's people watching this with a specific health condition, this is not aimed at you. You just talked about someone who might have heart disease i'm talking about the 35 percent of north americans who are obese spell obese i dare you i dare you one letter right you are affecting your own okay i think she's not doctor, but I bet she played one in a porno.

Big bone isn't a thing. Okay. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. Well, that's what happens when you make something like that, right? Yeah, of course. You open yourself up to that. Dude, when you make anything, you know, you're open, you're open.

Like, you know, I've. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Does that say Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby? Yeah, you didn't hear about that? Shut the fuck up. Oh, you should have heard. Hold on a second. What is that?

Hold on. He was on The Breakfast Club the other day. Come on. Just pull that up. Dude. That can't be real. It was just on the headline thing. You know, they have that little headline thing.

Drop down. Yeah, the drop down. I guess entertainment. Go to entertainment. Cecil the Lion Killer's backdoor. There it is. Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby. After this, we're gonna go to Cecil. He calls the accusers unrapable. Oh, no. He didn't

say that. No. Yeah. No. You know who else defended him? Who? Chuck D. Chuck D. called him all the accusations against Dr. Cosby. That's what he accusations against Dr. Cosby. That's what he said.

Dr. Cosby. Which, by the way, first of all, he's not a fucking doctor. It's an honorary doctorate. You can't call him Dr. Cosby when a university gives you an honorary doctorate for fucking showing up and being nice. It gives a lot of attention and promotion. Did Chuck D do that recently? Yes, very recently. Really?

I was shocked. He was talking about the conspiracy against Dr. Cosby. Come on. No, I'm not kidding. And I'm a huge Chuck D fan. Huge Public Enemy fan, but I don't know, man. Fuck, man. Tell the truth, Wayne said about his advice for the Cosby Show star.

If I was him, I would divorce my wife, give her all my money, and then I would go do a deposition. I would light one of those three-hour cigars and have some wine and maybe a Quaalude. And I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. I believe he was in relationships with all of them. And then he was like, you know what? It's 78.

Don't work like that no more, I can't get it up for any of y'all, bye bitches, and then they're like, oh really, rape. Was he just trying to be funny? I mean,

it's hard to see. Okay, Power 105's Breakfast Club. Is that that dude Charlemagne? See, that guy is like, his whole show is like talking shit, and like having fun.

The God. Yeah, so he's just trying to probably be funny. Wait, good, so he calls it, it's a money hustle. That guy is like, his whole show is like talking shit and like having fun. The God. Yeah. Yeah. So he's just trying to probably be funny. Wait, good. So he calls it a money hustle. See, I think you should listen to this. This is one of those things where I definitely don't think that you should ever.

There's full audio of it for sure. Let's play the audio because I don't think, like I'm doing it, a shitty version of it. because it's just like I don't think that he you know I have a really hard time believing that he actually said that that's fucking crazy

just find the actual thing of it and then we'll go back to it do you have the ability to only have the audio in your head so you can listen to it? what the fuck kind of a studio do we have here jamie we need to do uh if you put if you type in breakfast club will it well i think he found it he just has to um isolate the audio that's crazy i said that though jeez that is career suicide because then he also he also was like

yeah i'll just let you play. It was pretty crazy. Did you hear it? I read it. I read a full transcript, but I didn't hear it. It's hard because Damon is really funny. Damon Wayans is one of the most underrated comedians almost ever. Damon Wayans, at one point in time, I know he got off of it and decided to do more acting.

He was in The Last Boy Scout. He had made some really big movies, and decided to do more acting. He was in the last Boy Scout. He had made some really big movies, and he was doing real well, and he was coming off of In Living Color, and he was on his way to superstardom to the point where he did one of his HBO specials, I think it was called Damon Wayans' Last Stand, and when it was over, he threw the mic down and said, this is my last stand-up I'm ever going to do. Boom, and he threw the mic down and said like this is my last stand up i'm ever gonna do boom he threw the mic down and walked away and i remember thinking like you can't stop like you're so good he's one of my favorites yeah at the time he was like one of my all-time favorites

and i just you don't hear him doing stand-up that much anymore you don't you don't hear of it i did a show though um it was like probably nine months ago at Flappers. And then they're like, hey, because it was like my show. Do you mind if Damon Wayans does a spot next? Hold on, hold on, hold on. And I go, no. And he came in and just did a spot. Before you?

No, right after me. Oh, yeah, after. It's fun. Yeah. But before you, that guy does long sets. Like he used to show up at the comedy store, and at the height of his fame, he would go up and do like 45 minutes out of nowhere. He was really doing a workout set, like a real workout set,

and it was really funny. It wasn't like fully polished bits yet, but it was really funny. No, he fucks around a lot. He takes a lot of chances. He's funny, man. I used to see him a lot when I was coming up at the comedy store in the 90s. And he would come by and do those long sets. And this was, like I said, at the height of his stardom.

But I think the sitcom world lured him away, man. Because that was crazy money. Yeah. Because he had that, what was that last sitcom that he did? That ran for like a while. It ran for a while. My Wife and Kids or something? Mm-hmm.

That ran for a while. But nobody gave a fuck about it. No. I mean, I'm sure the people watching it might have given a fuck about it, but in comparison to like what he's capable of with his stand-up, there's no comparison. He's a monster. Yeah, he's a monster. He could have been, I think, one of the all-time greats. I really do believe that. I really do

believe that. I think he could have been like Chappelle. I think he could have been right out there with all those guys. That lure is strong when you're, imagine what his quote was when he's going into that show. Stupid, stupid money. Yeah. And, you know, it's fucking hard, man. Yeah.

They get lured into that. Or who knows, man. Maybe he just decided that's what he wanted to do. Maybe the idea of doing stand-up all the time wasn't appealing to him. I don't know, man. You know what? But it's just, I see a guy like that, and I go, wow, that's kind of crazy. Because he's like easily one of the all-times.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. During the day. During the day. Back in the day. And then you see him now, and just, I never hear about him anymore. I never hear about him, like, doing like a stadium somewhere. They said, I mean, I don't know if this was true but I remember hearing multiple talk say that Eddie Murphy when he stopped doing stand-up

was saying that like I don't want to even have to compete with Damon Wayans but I heard people say that that's what Eddie Murphy thought of Damon Wayans that he was like that's who's the funniest fucking guy he was so good dude I remember seeing him nights at the Comedy Store with like 50 people in the audience just crashing yeah and be inspired thinking fuck this he's good natural like it's overused term He's just naturally funny guy right like he's a guy. I feel like that can just Kind of talk about anything and be funny well. He works at it for sure I mean it's hard to say naturally funny when the guys doing sets all the time true

You know we all know that that's the way that everything gets polished up. But I had heard that, I don't know if this is true, so I probably shouldn't even be saying it, but I had heard that he had installed a stage in his house. Come on. Yeah, that he put a stage, like he installed like a little mini comedy club in his house to fuck around and practice. Really? Yeah.

That sounds crazy. It does sound crazy, but why is that crazy? But someone installing a music studio in their house isn't crazy. That's true. I get, because I think it's the idea that you need like pretty much strangers to be at your comedy show, you know, like you need an audience or a studio. That's where you do your work. Doesn't matter where it's located.

Like, are you just going to have people like RSVP to my house this weekend, man? matter where it's located like are you just gonna have people like rsvp to my house this weekend man well maybe he would practice in front of nobody and maybe he would uh have his family sit down listen who the fuck knows yeah practicing in front of nobody's kind of a weird thing right like i've heard people tell me a lot of times i've heard people go hey man i'm trying to get in the stand-up like what should i do and i'm like well you don't get on stage like i do it a lot i'm like where do you do it like at home like i'll stay i'll stay in the front of the mirror and do it there i'm like oh yeah you need an audience man i recorded all my ideas like as stand-up bits before i ever did them i had like a tape recorder one of those little press buttons

yeah and you record but it was you know when i was i never even did stand up yet so it was my idea of what stand-up should sound like with my where are those tapes i'd love to get a hold of those how's everybody doing how's everybody doing it was awful i I'm sure. Oh, my God. But I only did it, like, before I did stand-up. Once I did my first open mic night, I stopped doing it. Do you record ideas still into your phone?

Yes, I record ideas. But more often than that, instead of recording them, I do record them, but I talk into the voice thing. I talk into this. You know, you have the voice notes or the notes app. You know, you could talk to it. Oh, dude, check this out.

See this little button right here? Tom Segura is a bad motherfucker. Bam. Oh, that's in notes? Yep. How the fuck have I ever done that? Oh, it's amazing. So I'm in my car.

If I'm in my car and I have an idea, I'll either record it, which I'll sometimes do or I will just say the note and it'll type it out for you But there's some there's some stuff that's lost and like writing things down as opposed to like yeah hearing it So did you isolate what he said? Okay okay Joe Rogan just taught me how this shit works oh man isn't that amazing it's so accurate now

now what advice would you give Bill Cosby now if you could tell him this is what you need to do die no what did he say die

die no tell the truth if I was him I would divorce my wife, wink, wink, give her all my money, and then I would go do a deposition. I'd light one of them three-hour cigars. I'd have me some wine and maybe a Quaalude, and I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. I think he was in relationships with all of them.

And then he's like, you know what? It's 78. It don't work no more. I can't get it up for any of y'all. Bye, bitches. And they're like, oh, really? Rape. Because, I mean, 40 years.

40-year relationships? 40 years. Listen, how big is his penis that it give you amnesia for 40 years Listen How big is his penis That it give you amnesia For 40 years Well no In all fairness Some women did come out Previously

Some women did Did go ahead Previously and come out And give their stories And we didn't hear There's a couple of them Right That did

You know Decades A couple of decades ago So He never was charged With anything Right But if you listen to them

Talk they go Well the first time The first time Bitch how many times Did it happen a couple of decades ago. So he never was charged with anything. Right, but if you listen to them talk, they go, well, the first time, the first time, bitch, how many times did it happen? Just listen to what they're saying. And some of them, really, it's unrapeable. I look at them and go, no, he don't want that. Get out of here. And Charlamagne gets up and he's laughing.

Get out of here. No, but I understand the dynamics. They might have been hot in their younger days. No, you can tell, dude. Some of them are models and actresses, but I understand the dynamic of people saying, well, why were you alone with him? Or why were you in that room?

Or why did you go upstairs with him? And then people look at you in a certain way, and you're like, man, maybe I shouldn't have done that. Maybe that's my fault. Look, I understand fame. I've lived it. Women will throw themselves at you. They want, you know, they just want to be in your presence.

There's some that innocently will come up there, but not 40-something women. They're not that naive. He's talking about in 1965, he just walked in someone's dressing room and put his penis in their mouth. But then people are also looking at Bill Cosby and the persona that he has of like a mentor. Oh, I'm going to help you with your career. Some of them were on the Cosby show

and would come into his dressing room. You know what Bill Cosby did wrong? He started criticizing young black men. And then he lost us yep and so we're not supporting him and they see that opening and so now you know what attack him kill him but the dude from seventh heaven his show's still on tv yeah that's very true what you said because woody allen's making is that dude from seventh heaven show still on tv i thought they pulled that i don't know if it was on, pause that real quick.

Is that? They got pulled a while ago, I thought. Yeah, is that true? I remember when that story... The Seventh Heaven guy, he... Collins, right? He actually admitted that he raped young girls, right? He admitted that he had sexually molested young girls.

Yeah. Let's see seventh heaven cancelled Well they stopped I thought they even stopped airing the Rewrites yeah, I'm pretty sure Seventh heaven was cancelled. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's cancelled Yeah, but that guy's not in jail right don't know. I't know stephen collins is his name let's see stephen collins but i think uh yeah confesses sexual abuse but that's december yeah the last news of this was from over a year ago uh-huh wow so just, that's it. He got divorced. His divorce. This is the last piece

of news is that he got divorced. His divorce settled and then his confession tape. Wasn't that a part of the divorce? Like the part of like why he got caught was that his wife. She recorded him. Recorded it. And she outed him because she was divorcing him. Well, who knows why she didn't. I hope she felt like he was a piece of shit, and that was part of the reasons why she did it. Settlement, a 50-50 split. As we previously reported, the pot is worth around $14 million.

That guy had $14 million? What the hell, man? imagine the poor woman living with some guy and he's fucking little kids little kids god damn it yeah that guy should be it says the tape has made him unemployable and therefore he should be socked with a big spousal support tab. But they worked it out down to who got the front. The guy should be in jail. Period. Right? Just in jail.

But this Cosby thing, like, Damon Wayans' attitude about it is very strange. I don't agree with him at all. You know, I mean, what he said, also what he said about Cosby criticizing young black men, that's fucking absolutely the truth. He should have shut his fucking mouth about that. But he should have shut his fucking mouth about that, not because he was raping women, just because it's none of your fucking business, like, who swears or who doesn't swear. You're denying the artistic integrity of, like, Richard Pryor or Dave Chappelle or any of these guys who swear. I think he's also making a commentary about that Cosby was doing it to young black men in society. Cause that was a big thing for him in like the last, the last 15, 20 years, he even

wrote a book with another guy, but he was like, you know, that famous, like pull your paint, stop. You have these ridiculous names. He gave, like, that kind of town hall speech. And he went into, like, really impoverished areas. And he's like, these names that you guys are, these aren't real names. Right. Pookie. Yeah. T-Bone.

What's this? Quantasha and shit. So when he started to do that, people were like, well, here's a uber rich dude coming in telling us how to live our life. Right. Telling us we're doing everything wrong. He lost a lot of fans with that. I think he's definitely got a point with that. But then when he

the other thing, the woman had a point about how Cosby had that mentor role. Yeah, exactly. He would have these people and say he was going to help their career. That's what they all said. Can you imagine though, if you were a young girl, like some 18-year-old girl,

and Bill Cosby, who was 50 or 60 at the time, whatever the hell he was, brings you into his dressing room and says he's going to help your career and then slips a fucking Quaalude into your drink and you're passed out and you wake up with your panties off and Cosby's jizz dripping down your asshole and you're like, what?

Dude. Yeah. You'd probably be so confused and so horrified. And you know, no one's going to believe you too. That's, that's by the way, the whole thing about like, I've heard a lot of people bring up the, uh, the, the time between something happening and the accusation. Very common with sexual assault to wait long periods of time because people feel shame and they feel like no one will believe them. They don't know what to do.

It's really common. It's not unusual at all. Well, that's the case with all rape, right? Right. Yeah. Like all sexual, sex crimes a lot of times don't go reported because of that. Yeah. It's the idea that they're unrapable.

That's really fucked up. He's trying to be funny. Yeah. He's trying idea that they're unrapable. That's really fucked up. He's trying to be funny. He's trying to be funny there. Can we see the rest of this? Do you want to keep going? Sure. They killed Bill Cosby. But being just sitting back looking at it, I just don't believe this.

I think it's a money hustle. What you say is true because social media, we're the loudest on social media. And social media is what really reignited that flame back of Bill Cosby. Hannibal Beres. That was Hannibal Beres. I wonder how he feels being the dude that destroyed Bill Cosby. If Bill Cosby died, he should be charged with accessory to murder. What?

Shut up, man. I'm serious. But I always tell you. Accessory to murder. But I always tell you. I tell him about that all the time. I always tell you the story because I think for them to make jokes like that, that's something that was kind of like well known.

You know, people heard that about Bill Cosby. I remember when I was really young, my mom told me that she knew somebody that Bill Cosby had drugged. And she told me that when I was a little kid. She brought that back up too. But it was a story that had always floated around. That's why I think. But here's the thing. I don't know if I believe every single fifth of the 50 women but i do believe that

there's some there may be and and for them my heart goes out to them for anybody who would sure and i hope you get justice you are the bitches look he gave me two pills. Ain't nobody, he wasn't a doctor back then. He wasn't really a doctor. He gave them two pills. It was like that was the drug of choice. Like Molly's is the drug of choice now. You know, like people do that to get in the mood. You know, I just, I don't, I can't believe it.

Maybe the girls never told him no, but they never told him yes either. Or they woke up and... But what's the joy of sleeping, you know, banging somebody who's asleep? Gotta ask Bill. Well, and you know, people have done that. The date rape drug has been a popular thing, you know? That's just a ridiculous argument. What do you think about Hannibal Buress?

I wouldn't want to be him. I know. Because, you know, the thing is he, you know, I watch his show and I don't think he it's premature in terms of his

success. Right now they're putting him out there because, you know, he's the guy who outed Bill Cosby and he wasn't ready for primetime. You know what I mean? So hopefully, maybe he'll get it. He'll catch it, but I don't feel it right now. And I wouldn't want to be someone to take down my hero.

I think we need heroes, and I think that we need to be more supportive until we know for sure, for sure, because there ain't no charges against him. You know, innocent till proven guilty not in this day and age not with social media guilty but you're guilty when twitter says you're right and they don't ever they they never retract what they say they just put that on you you know that's a that's a heavy one to carry around have you ever had i think i think the bigger thing here never this look at me well i mean anything i mean you had an incident where a woman hit you with something? Never. This? Well, I mean, anything. I mean, you know, anything could happen. A woman could

be like, oh, I told him no. I keep my drawers on. You never had a baby pinned on you? Never. I mean, blank man can get some probably. You know what I'm saying? That's how I feel about Bill. Bill really have to rape women?

I mean, it's Bill Cosby. That's what I'm saying? And that's how I feel about Bill. I'm like, Bill, did Bill really have to rape women? It's Bill Cosby. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. I mean. The thing that people, I think, they struggle with, too, with this whole Cosby story is that, like, when he said hero, he was a hero to so many people. That's the part that they, because they can't wrap their head around this was like. If your hero's a piece of shit, though, don't you want a new hero? Yeah. But because they can't wrap their head around this was like if you hear is a piece of shit, though Don't you want a new hero? Yeah, but I think it's so beat in like the hero thing is so deep in their mind They don't want to believe that the hero is a piece of shit There's a problem also that there's people that are really bad people that do really good things as well. All right

There's there's people that are inconsistent. I mean they do great Like, he might be a great comic, but also be a rapist. He might be really drugging women and raping them as well as being really funny. That might be his demon. Because, like, almost every comic has some sort of a demon. Whether it's an anger demon or a drug demon or a violence demon or a gambling demon or, you know, whatever the fuck the demon is. His demon might very well be he likes to drug people yeah he likes to have that ultimate power and you know there's other the other knock on bill cosby has always been that he's a massive elitist where he believes he's much better than

everybody else that has always been the knock on him and to the point where I worked at a casino where he wanted people to tuck him in bed at night. He wanted the security guard to tuck him in bed. Like literally. Really? Yep. Yep. He likes to be tucked in bed. He wanted people to sit down and watch him.

They wanted all the staff that was working in the theater to watch him eat curry. This is not something that I'm the only one who's heard this too. I've read this online too, that he likes the people that work there to sit down with him while he eats and they don't talk to him. You worked at the venue where they told you this? Yes. That he sits down there and he eats and they all sit around and watch him eat. And he wants them to do that.

A little bit of a god complex whatever it is whatever craziness that allowed him to be that guy that openly criticized people you ever see that time when wanda sykes interviewed him some some award show or something like that he's like shit on her english yeah you know he's wearing sunglasses indoors and he had that arrogance about him. That's the same kind of arrogance that would make you feel like you're better than other people to the point where you could just drug them. Especially some young girl that you might think is stupid. And you could just drug her.

Like, this is a silly bitch back at my place. Thinks she's not going to give the pussy to Bill Cosby. Plink, plink. Here, drink this. Would you like a cappuccino? Keep you awake? Yeah. I mean, how ironic.

He's giving him cappuccino with fucking quaaludes in it. He's a savage. I keep hearing people, they keep saying, what fun is it to fuck somebody that's asleep? It's because that's what he likes. He likes raping people that are asleep. It's not about hooking up because you're famous. That's a crazy thing to say, because what fun is it to rape someone who's resisting?

You're saying that that doesn't happen? Of course it happens. But I'm saying what Cosby likes is he likes raping passed out people. Right. What I'm saying is how ridiculous is anyone saying that? Right, right. That's so short-sighted. I know. It is. What fun is it robbing people?

Yeah, don't you want to get your own money? Yeah, of course the same thing it is It's the same. It's just such as it's such a short sighted thing to say It's it's the type of thing that someone says when they're not talking to really intelligent objective people right on a regular basis I'm formulating these opinions based on real extensive thinking you know and the idea that all of them are lying seems kind of crazy yeah it just seems like of course it's crazy it's a crime i mean this isn't like this isn't something small this isn't like a guy who uh you know bill cosby stared at my wife's tits he He stared at my wife's tits too. No, this is like some deep deep

Yeah, dark demonic shit, and then they're gonna blame like the have the blame beyond hannibal like it's like he did so stupid Also them saying that hannibal got that show just because that hannibal was hot already hot which is why? Which is why people were coming to see his show in a theater. It was a theater show. Yeah, while he was talking about Bill Cosby. Of course. So this is not a small thing. No, no, no. And Hannibal's argument was about that Bill Cosby always shits on people for using bad language, which is fucking true. It was the whole thing we were talking about of how he was lecturing young black people. Exactly.

And Hannibal's like, well, at least I'm not a fucking rapist. Put that fucking phone down, Tommy. Flip it over. I see what you're doing. I see what you're doing. You can't help yourself. You can't help yourself. I shut my computer for you thank you I just don't want to I don't want to influence you anyway thank you it's hard

right it's kind of hard I think that the guy is a sick fuck that's what I think I think undeniably he's a sick fuck how sick of a fuck he is how evil he is the only people that know are him and the people that he did that through. It's the best profile ever for somebody that wants to do that. Yeah. If you take away what you know of him as a performer and the celebrity, and you just imagine somebody that wants to do that, and then they build a reputation of being someone you can trust.

Impeccable. Impeccable. I mean, he had the best reputation ever. You know, it's like when you have the Sandusky guy, the coach, that had a charity that was for kids. And he was like, I'm taking care of these kids that are, you know, left behind. And then he was raping those kids. But people that were, people that even knew him that were on the board of that were like, he's the best guy.

Do you know that that is apparently very common? That one of the things that evil people will do is they'll start a charity and then like really harp on that charity. Let's talk about that charity all the time. So evil. And they become almost beyond reproach because the fact they're doing such good work Right like one of the things Lance Armstrong used to always bring up is how much money he was generating for cancer research course We're trying to we've generated all this money for instead of saying action except instead of saying like Hey, no, I didn't I'm not doing any steroids.

No one's doing steroids, which he did say a few times. Yeah. Or he would like immediately go to that thing about like how much money we're making with Livestrong. And it was people's defense for him all the time. Yeah. When I criticized him on this show, I got lit up by people. This was before he came. And they were like, has he ever failed a test?

Like his whole thing. I've never failed a test. And do you realize the amount of money being funneled into cancer research? Like that excuses. It's all fucked up. I had Jeff Nowitzki on, the guy who busted him. And after he was on, Lance contacted me. And I had a conversation with him on the phone.

Lance Armstrong contacted you? Yeah, he may or may not do the podcast because he wants to tell his story. I think if I look at his point of view, I think he was in a sport where everybody was doing drugs. Right. And I think there's a moment when you have these ideals, like what you're trying to do as a competitor, and then you get to the big leagues, and you realize, like you get into that NFL locker room and you find out why people are 350 pounds of solid muscle.

You're like, oh, oh, I get it. Like I have a buddy who played, I don't even want to say what college he played for, but he played college for, he played football. He was a big fucking dude, and he played with a bunch of guys who were in the nfl now and he had uh some injuries and he stopped playing he said that when he got to college he goes there was this attitude that you only have a few years you have a couple years to make an impression and he said the fucking sophistication of the drug use that he saw when

he was in college and a big, big time college football team. He goes, it was fucking crazy. He goes, it was crazy. And it was widespread. And it was from the top down. Everybody knew what the fuck was going on. And there was an established protocol and they would tell you, Hey buddy, you're going to get tested on Friday. So on Friday, come in and, and, you know, you're to have to take your test. And he said when he would get tested, they would say, okay, here's your cup. So go in there, do your urine sample, and then come out and bring it to me. There was no one there while he did it. No one watched. They didn't tell if he had a rubber dick. They didn't tell if he had a guy in there waiting for him to piss in

it for him. He goes, I could have had my cousin piss in a thing for me. People would piss in bags and they would take that bag and strap it to their body. So it'd keep it body temperature and then put it under your clothes. And then you would get into the bathroom and you open up that bag and pour the contents into the thing. Sure. So you'd have someone else's piss. He said, but they gave you all the time in the world to do it. And he goes, and everybody, everybody, everybody was doing steroids.

Everybody. He goes, they weren't just doing steroids. They were doing EPO. They were doing all these drugs to maximize your endurance. They were doing all these recovery drugs. He goes, they were doing everything. Everybody's doing everything. I believe it.

I totally believe it. I believe it, too. And I think that's what happened with Lance Armstrong. I think this got in into cycling Yeah, he got to the highest level of the sport and he got to the pros and he's like oh shit This is all about taking your own blood out putting it back in your body. This is about doing EPO This is about doing testosterone This is about doing whatever the fuck you can do to recover so that you can compete and then you got the US Postal Service

Okay, which is the guys who are promoting his his event right? He's where he's the cyclist for the postal team So now he's getting sued for not just the money that they paid him for winning because you know You have to sign something saying you're on drugs, but because he was working for the government They say he's defrauded the government so that they can sue you for three times the damages. Jesus. So they're suing him for $100 million right now. Yeah. It's pretty.

Well, the thing about, I think, what he did, too, and why the perception is different for Lance in particular, is that the light was shining brighter because of how successful he was. And then the way that he would defend himself, he was fucking vicious about it. Yeah. Well, he sued people too. Sue people and then take them down publicly. Like he was destroying people's ability to work,

make money, support their families. So he was cold fucking blooded about defending himself, which made him Basically like a bigger dick throughout the whole thing so not just a cheater But a guy that was really fucking an asshole to everybody on the way. That's why I want to hear a story Yeah I want to hear how he views it and I also want to hear what it was like to be the focus of attention for a fucking Dirty industry means a dirty business. Did you watch the documentary?

Yeah, I did. What was it like talking to him? Interesting. How long did you guys talk for a while? Yeah, we talked for a while on the phone. I haven't met him in person. I was in Austin. I was going to invite him to my show.

But I'm like, probably better just talk to him when I see him. If and when I see him, just talk to him. Is he considering doing it? Yeah, it's his idea. He reached out to me. Wow. Yeah, I think, well, listen, you're not going to get a platform like this where you're going to

reach millions of people and you can talk for three hours and I'm going to let you say anything you want. I want him to express himself as openly. And look, it's all on the table now. They sued the shit out of him. They took a fuckload of money from him. They took away his ability to make a living.

He's a guy that was the poster boy for a living. I mean, he's a guy that was the poster boy for this sport. I mean, if it wasn't for him, who gives a fuck about cycling? You got Greg Lamont and you got Lance Armstrong and that's it. I don't know anybody else. Do you know one other guy who cycles? No. I know Tony Hawk. I don't know anybody else that skateboards. Right. Who the fuck else skateboard? I'm sure there's other guys Yeah, but that's the guy that's the big name guy. You know I mean There's a lot of sports that have that like women's fighting everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is there's a million other women fighters Everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is it's so big she's so big now that like I was in a I was in a hotel on fight night when she fought last and like

Just dudes that you know are not fans of women's athletics we're all you know i mean like they're all walking around just it's just to tell you how like how much she's changed things like they were like walking looking talking like the bellhop where's the rouse you fight on i gotta go find the rat like i feel like that's how much it's swung you She's changed it where these fucking total misogynistic pigs were still like, I need to find that Rousey fight now.

Why would you assume that just because they're dudes that they're misogynistic pigs? I'm an asshole. Because you're a guy. I just looked at them and I was like, these guys are pigs. For sure. If they like sports and they work out, they're pigs. These guys were pigs. These guys didn't work out. Yeah. for sure. If they like sports and they work out, they're pigs. These guys were pigs. These guys didn't work out.

Yeah. Did you see what Beyonce did? Oh. Beyonce did the Central Park concert. Mm-hmm. It was a free concert, and Dana White came up to me Saturday night after the fights, and he pulls over his iPhone. He goes, watch this.

Not the flip phone? No, he has an iPhone now. Okay. They make him use an iPhone because he's under some investigation, so they have to be able to track all this shit because of this uh they're getting sued there's a bunch of shit going on anyway he uh shows me this video uh on his iphone and it's uh beyonce has a free concert in central park and on this giant screen it's fucking enormous hundred foot screen she has all ronda rousey's words playing out, like the script of it, while Ronda's talking. Ronda's talking about not being a do-nothing bitch. She's like, every muscle in my body has a functional purpose.

Right, I've seen that, yeah. I'm not some do-nothing bitch sitting around waiting for some millionaire to come home and fuck me. And which, to a chick that hustles, chicks Chicks that hustle. That is like, they're like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. But to all those do nothing bitches out there, that's like, Hey, what the fuck? I mean, I was your fan. I mean, I want to work.

I want like, I'm trying to get lucrative. I ain't trying to hustle that hard. How lucrative are you willing to get? Cause I get lucrative. I get pretty lucrative. That's amazing. That's amazing. Is that a shirt next week?

Lucrative. I'm trying to get lucrative right now. I'm trying to get lucrative. I retweeted Ian Edwards. He's appearing this weekend at the Punchline. By the way, if you're in Sacramento, he's one of the funniest fucking dudes working today. He is so fucking funny. Look what he wrote me after I tweeted to him.

Thanks, man. It's going to be lucrative. That's hilarious. We were both laughing about it on the plane. We couldn't stop saying it. How lucrative do you get? Because I get pretty lucrative. That's hilarious.

Do you get lucrative? What? When I was in Montreal, I think I told you this. I did a show every night, an hour show every night. So I would just ask, I asked Tony to come by and just do an opening set. Dude, Ian fucking floored the place. He's a monster. Yeah, he floored it.

And he's only doing that now. I mean, he's doing some writing, but he's really concentrating on that. But see, and that's how you get really good. Well, we had a conversation about it, man. I told him, I said, dude, I think you're one of the best goddamn comics in the world. I think you're one of the best comics on the planet Earth. And people don't know about you. I go, the difference between your skill level, ability and what people know it's so vast

Yeah, and it's because he's been writing so much writing on all these sitcoms, and he's good at that He's very good at that yeah, but he's best at stand-up Yeah, his stand-up is he's a monster. He's such an a like a unique original voice Yeah, not people that no one reminds me of him like he's he's really a unique talent. And he's such a good dude. Yeah. I've been friends with him for, like, 24 years, 23 years. He's got that fucking non-aging black eye thing where I'm like, what are you, 26? He won't tell me how old he is.

Well, yeah, and then you go, like, I was in New York at a club. I forget which club I was in. And he had a fucking headshot on there that looked 25 years old. And he had dreads in it. I was like, how old is this shit, man? How old is he? He's a vampire, bro. Yeah, he's a vampire.

Sleeps upside down. Yeah. Let me see how old he is. We'll find out. Really? I'm going to find out right now. I'm going to Wikipedia the fuck out of that shit. But it's probably not on there, right?

It says he's only 43. It says he's born February 11th, 1972, 43. Okay, that's bullshit. Unless he was 15 when I met him. Nah, yeah. That's a lie, Ian. How dare you? But he might, that might

be true. He won't tell you, though. If you ask him, he won't tell you. The stripper that we were talking to, she wouldn't tell us either. I go, how old are you? I go, I'm 48. How old are you? She won't tell you. The stripper that we were talking to, she wouldn't tell us either. I go, how old are you? I go, I'm 48. How old are you? She wouldn't tell us. I'm like, come on.

Come on. A lady never tells her age. I'm like, yeah, they do when they're 20. Yeah, exactly. I'm almost 21. My God, I'm so old. I can't believe I'm almost 20 months. Now I don't ever not get sir.

I used to not get sir that much. You got gray in your beard, son. Yeah, I know. I'm sir. You got that fucking beard. That man's beard. Sorry, sir. We'll be with you in a minute, sir.

Yeah. All right. You got a fucking werewolf beard. Anyone with a big ass gorilla beard like that? Yes, sir. You're a sir. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely.

You're a goddamn man, Tommy Bunz. Yeah. You're a man about to make a baby. Well sir you're a sir yeah for sure absolutely you're goddamn man tommy buns yeah you're a man about to make a baby well you made a baby about to have a baby yeah a couple months away how's that feel i'm excited man i really am i think it's part of the reason is that uh i think it's because i didn't have a baby at 25 you know so it's like something that i waited well we waited. And then you're more established. I feel more like financially stable and emotionally ready for it. Well, it's perfect. It's a perfect time.

I hear people go like, are you terrified? I'm like, no. That's people that don't want any commitment in their life. Yeah, I'm not terrified at all. Those guys probably don't even have girlfriends though, right? Yeah, I guess so. I never really thought about it. But I'm like, no, I'm excited for it.

I'm not terrified. There's people that can't imagine anybody living other than the way they live. Right. You know? But you get that from all sides. I hear people go, are you ready for your life to be over? What? Who said that to you?

Just, you know. Cut them off, whoever they are. Yeah. Got a right life to be over. You know what's equally annoying, though? And I got to say, I really found this very annoying when I was single and I didn't have kids it really bugged the shit out of me that people would tell me that you have to have kids in order to be like a mature adult yeah when are you gonna settle down and have

kids when you're gonna when are you gonna like guys that I knew that had kids that were fucking miserable and by the way everyone who told me this to a man everyone is divorced yeah every single one every, everyone who told me this to a man Everyone is divorced. Yeah, every single one every single one that told me to get married and have children is fucking divorced Yeah, every one of them. I mean I'm like seven eight nine guys Yeah, I've never believed that Certainly never let your demonious shit telling people to live their lives the way you're living your life when it's the only way you can yeah it's like everybody's got a

people are weird man some people they just want to like i have a friend my friend steve maxwell he doesn't have a place to live he just travels he goes from town to town he's a a really famous as far as that world strength and and conditioning coach and a personal trainer. And he goes all over the world. You'll see his Instagram. He's in Fiji sometimes. Just training people? Training people.

He'll put together these little small seminars. These small groups of people will meet them every week. They'll say, okay, they have some things set up where 10 people will meet in this one place, and then he's going to coach them for five or six days. So they have a getaway, and he puts these together. And then gyms will have them come in, and he'll teach seminars at their gyms. He just lives out of a bag. I couldn't live like that.

But he can. Right, but I would never lecture that guy either. I wouldn't like it, but he can do it. Tom Rhodes, for the longest... Tom Rhodes has a fucking apartment now in Los Angeles. He does yes When did he get it decided really recently he said I'm done. I'm done I'm gonna stay here at the store where he was hanging around the story. You know that secret comics bar the little comics bar Yeah, yeah, yeah back. Yeah

There were only comics are allowed to go there and hang out there and comics friends He was we were hanging around back there. He's like, dude, I got an apartment. I go, what? Yeah. How long were you a renegade for?

He goes like 10 years for 10 years. He came to my place last year and didn't have it. So I know it's gotta be recent. Yeah. He was staying in people's places. He was staying in hotels. He's a great guy. He's a great guy.

A great dude. Yeah. And he was, he also is one of those guys that's a, he's a world travelingtraveling comic. Oh, yeah. You know, he's done. Singapore one week, Holland the next week.

And has done that kind of thing forever. Forever. Forever. Yeah, I mean, he's been doing stand-up for 25 years. At least, yeah. And out of those 25 years, he's been touring around the world for 15. Yeah, at least, yeah. At least.

He used to have a show in Holland Yes, where was the late night show it was a late night show was like a big-time show Yeah, and it was the something something so like some other guy's name Starring Tom Rhodes was like the like say if you like instead of like the Tom Segura show was like the Jamie Vernon show Starring Tom Segura and like it was real weird yeah and he was I heard it that you know he was like their letterman yeah he was the yeah he did that for quite a while yeah he's uh but he's he's decided now he wants to live in an apartment yeah and he's had a wife for a while too yeah he travels with his wife

great yeah she's great yeah he, that mean he enjoyed that life You can live any way you want a man, you know, I think his mother's Argentine Everybody's got their own thing man for some people having a kid is the worst fucking idea on the planet I get that I totally understand that yeah, I think it's those are the people that are telling me Are you out of your mind? But there's a weird thing man when people like this dude When are you gonna settle down? Yeah, you need to have a kid you need it like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa you know listen You see for you to say you know you're not a man till you have a kid You know you know you're not mature. You know you're not like I think it's really obnoxious and gross to assume that

Everyone would want that it even like at any point like I think that it's totally legit That somebody's 50 60 70 years old Never had kids and is totally fulfilled and happy absolutely why wouldn't they be you tell me you can't contribute unless you make another human being Yeah, that's silly. That's silly. I mean what is your contribution in life your contribution in life is how you affect other people? Whether you influence them in a positive way whether you they think about you with love They think about you with happiness the people that about you with happiness, the people that you've interacted with personally, the people that you know, that's what your legacy is. Yeah.

And if you're a guy who thinks that having a kid is the end all be all, but then your kid turns out to be fucked up, well, what did you do, dummy? Yeah. You ruined your kid. That was your contribution. Your contribution, you fucked it up. And you had one big project and you fucked it up. Yep. You're sitting there drawing dicks.

No, that's an old drawing. But it's yours. It's only an hour old. Yeah, that's true. But we were talking about the world's biggest dick, so I was inspired. So you had a drawing. You felt compelled. Are you going to keep doing that once you have kids, Tommy?

I think so. You're going to think drawing dicks? I think so, but I'll just call them something. You're gonna influence your kid by drawing dicks I'm gonna have a real tough time with Being mature. I feel like well. I don't think you have to be yeah. Well. I'll be very we already have a system in place We're trying to we're gonna do burps or one thumbs up, but farts are two thumbs up because farts are fucking awesome Like whenever whenever anyone farts are two thumbs up because farts are fucking awesome That's what he mean like whenever whenever anyone farts around the kid I'm gonna go to the house you and your wife just rip them in front of each other yeah sure

But my belches have been getting stronger they're better now you're working on it. Yeah, I think so. I don't know I don't know more probiotics Yeah, I just I just feel that I can I feel like I'm having them come up from the diaphragm now And they're just more powerful you know have you always farted in front of your girlfriends? Not right away, but yeah, eventually. How long do you usually wait? How many dates in? Oh, it's a while.

I mean, I make sure I'm in there. I'm getting in there pretty often, and then I do it. Make sure you fuck them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, this is a regular thing. Here come the puss.

Did I ever tell you about the first time I farted in front of her no, this is bold This is bold man. We've been dating for a little while probably like I don't know five six months or something and I Met her place. It's a Saturday morning. I still remember I'm watching college football and I think she was Making breakfast or something and then perfect life. It a great life. I'm sitting on her couch. I'm sitting on her couch wearing boxers, watching TV. And she comes and she sat next to me. And I felt a fart coming. And I grabbed her arm and I took her hand and I put it between my legs and I farted on her hand.

For the first fart ever. And I just remember her going like, oh my God. And she goes, it smells like garbage. It smells like garbage. She kept saying that. And she was like, what the fuck? And later, like now she told me, do you realize how crazy that was? And I was like, yeah, I didn't realize it at the time.

If I was who I am now, I would have fucking cut you off right then and there. Like that. Really? She says that like, she was like, clearly I was not in a good place to stay with a guy that farted on my hand. But it was funny, right? It was really funny, yeah. So, but why would she not?

I think she just, I mean, I think she was joking in a way, but she was just like, like, for a first fart to be on someone's hand is pretty. But it worked out, though. It worked out, yeah. But you knew she was the one. I knew, I knew I knew That was essentially my proposal When did she fart in front of you first?

Immediately afterwards I actually don't remember her first one But I'm getting a lot of them now It's made up for it So she's been ripping some pregnancy farts That are fucking powerful man Does that bum you out? No

Never Because the thing is like I'm not somebody that's ever That has ever been like, ooh, fart. Like, it just doesn't have that effect on me. Is she the first girl that's ever farted in front of you? No. God, no. So you just attract that kind

of gal. I mean, like, I've been with girls that didn't, obviously, but yeah, no. If I dated you for a while, you'd fart. It's okay. No, when you date girls for a while, how do you know when it's time to unleash the hounds? I mean. It's different with every time, man. It is.

It's different. You got to feel it out. But it's like, I think it's, are you still in the, like, I'm trying to make an impression phase? Or have you settled into like, you know. Who you are. Who you are, yeah. That's hard, right?

Do you not fart in front of your wife? Um, if she accidentally walks in after I farted, I claim it. Yeah. And has she farted in front of you? She has. She has. More than once. But like, let's say you're laying in bed. But not like, she won't like, like, grab her ankles. And go,

here we go. Boom. I do some really obnoxious shit. Really obnoxious, yeah. But, like, if you're laying in bed tonight and you're, whatever, winding down, you feel a fart come, you get up and wake up. I try to be polite. You do? Yeah.

Or do you just kind of let it sneak out or something? I only fart in front of my friends like that. So what would you do, though? Would you leave the room? Yeah, most likely. Or hold it in. Wow. Really?

Common courtesy is ridiculous to Tommy Buns. Well, I mean, it's just that... Well, most people don't want to smell their husband's farts. I know, but I... And plus, if I thought in any way it would keep her from blowing me... Yeah. Then then, yeah, yeah. Well, I guess, yeah, I hear you.

I don't get it that way. Yeah. I'll hold my farts during sex. Do you? Sure. That's good. sure yeah that's good but sometimes post-coital they they come out a friend of mine was a cameraman he was a cameraman on his cameraman on a TV show that I was on but he had also done some camera work on porn when he was starting out to you know to make money and he said there was this one guy,

this big bulky bodybuilder guy, who just would rip the most disgusting farts while he's fucking these girls. While he's fucking? While he's fucking them. Because he just ate a lot of protein. Yeah, yeah. And he would just unload these farts

and these poor girls. And look, they have to work. Because I guess when you're a guy and you're a porn star and he was this big, muscular black guy, I guess, first of all, there's this thing where it's not a matter of whether or not you're going to have sex. Yeah. These girls are getting paid to have sex with you on camera. It's not whether or not they're going to want to do certain sexy things or they're going to like it or not like it.

That's out the window. Now, you're going to come, I'm going to come in your face. You're going to come in their face. I'm going to put it in your ass. Like, we already worked this out. It's in the contract. I'm putting it in your ass. We're going ass to mouth.

I'm going to come in your face. You're going to suck my balls. I'm going to jerk off in your hair. Like, it's all worked out. And you're going to smile afterwards, too. There's no, like, there's no romance to it, Tommy Bones. Right, yeah. There's no speculation. No, Tommy Bones. Right. There's no speculation. No intimacy, really.

Well, definitely no intimacy. Because whatever you're doing, you're doing in front of a gang of people. Right. There's a boom mic hanging over the bed. There's cameramen. There's a craft service table that you've been hitting up. And I guess he's like, I don't have to impress anybody. I'm just gonna fart that's

during sex is my line i've never done that i've never done that man some people don't have a problem i have a friend that that also was a camera guy for porns and not anymore but he told me like he's like i go what what's like the grossest thing and he goes the grossest thing by far are the smells because he's like you know you're like I would come like underneath and be like kind of positioned under a guy's ass and balls and he's

slapped you know for that underneath shot and he's like just all their smells I'm just like just inhaling them and then someone would be like yeah get another shot of that and you go back down there like the worst part he that just smelling stuff. Oh, God. Yeah.

It's pretty horrendous. I wonder what happens if someone has a yeast infection and it just stinks. Do they just have to man up? I think they probably go until someone's like, I'm going to puke. Or like the guy's like, it won't get hard if I'm smelling this. Oh, God. That's a smell. Or like the guy's like, it won't get hard if I'm smelling this, you know. Oh, God. Oh, God.

That's a smell. That yeast infection smell is nature's alarm signal. It is. Yeah. Let's talk about, I know, your favorite topic. Ohio State, Virginia Tech. What? Kicking off.

What are you talking about? College football. Oh. Big game. Oh, you're talking because Jamie's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got a stupid fucking hat on. He's like, he's all excited. There he is.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't turn that mic on. You're fucked. No, it's just exciting. That's all. What's exciting about you? Me? What excites you about it?

I feel the same way about college football that you do about fights. Impossible. I really do. It doesn't even make sense. Why? Because I get paid to talk about fights. I'm a huge guy on ESPN. You've never seen me? seen I didn't know would you do that if they offered you that gig? 100% really yeah, would you be good at it?

I feel like I could do like the roundtable stuff right now I couldn't do like the commentating could you do like what Dennis Miller used to do where you'd come in, you know? That's like from everywhere. That's horrible. Yeah. And I hate that role. I like a two-man commentating booth for football. I like your color guy comment. You know. Right. I like that setup of, like, somebody's telling you what's happening and the, you know, the analyst.

Once you really get into it and you see a really good analyst in football, you really appreciate the way they're highlighting things for you. It's like what you do when you explain what just happened. Right. The lay person just goes, like, that guy's good. Or like, he fucked him up. You know, when you explain how it happens. Right. I love that.

I think Kirk Herbstreet, who's an Ohio State guy, is the best at it. Like, you saw basically a pass thrown and a touchdown score. You're like, great pass. But he explains that this guy. The defensive play. How the coverage broke down. Right. What the quarterback saw.

How it developed. I love that aspect of it. So you love the strategic aspect of setting up the plays. And seeing how something works. Yeah, I love that. And I just love the environment. And seeing how something works. Yeah, I love that. And I just love the environment. I like college football the most. Why do you like college the most?

I don't know, man. I think it's because I like the tradition. I like the rivalries. They feel more genuine. They feel like there's genuine hatred between teams. We're talking like 100-year-old programs. between teams. We're talking like 100-year-old programs.

They've had a football team since sometimes like 1898, shit like that, where it's been there that long. There's just a passion about it. I don't know. I love being around it. I love seeing the games. That's crazy. You've always been like this?

Is this something you've always been excited about, college football, or is this something you developed? Since I was a kid. Really? Since I was a kid, yeah. What gets me about college versus pro is that, like, you have to follow all these young students that are playing football, right? Mm-hmm. You have to know who they are. You mean, like, if you're going to be, like, a super fan of the game?

Yeah, I mean, every year they're turning over, right? Oh, yeah, that's true. You only have, like, three years. Possibly, yeah, yeah. Four years game. Yeah, I mean, every year they're turning over, right? Oh, yeah, that's true. You only have, like, three years. Possibly, yeah, yeah. Four years max. Yeah. And then they're gone, and you have new guys in. And I can tell, like, my level of, because sometimes there's certain years or a certain number of years where I'll have a more laid back fandom to to it where I don't really know the details.

But you know a bunch of people. Yeah, I will. But I think this year I've been super busy. I didn't pay as much attention, definitely, to recruiting classes and stuff that I've paid attention to before. But why college over NFL? You know, I mean, the stuff that I talked about, like the passion stuff, I love.

I feel like it's more genuine. I feel like it's more, there really are, like there's a real passion for the game. Part of it is because probably a lot of those kids are trying to make it to the NFL. Oh, for sure, right? Yeah, they're fucking killing themselves to make it. You know, like I said, the rivalries feel

like they feel more authentically just genuine and real. You know, Ohio State, Michigan, you know, Florida State, Miami, Georgia, Florida, like those kinds of games are just, UCLA,

now I guess there would be UCLA, USC, USC or USC Stanford the last few years. So you root for your college team that you went to school? No, my school is a fucking tiny D2 school. I just, there's just programs that you grew up watching, you know, that you just kind of gravitate towards. This is so alien to me. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so fun to me.

I don't know what it is, man. I just, I love, I love it. I love the, I love the environment, you know, yeah, yeah. It's so fun to me. I don't know what it is, man. I just, I love, I love it. I love the, I love the environment, you know? I love it. I hear people talking about, like, the NFL and, like, this Tom Brady thing, just that people won't stop talking about. God, that really fucking got some legs and went and never stopped. Now, he's been acquitted? Or they just have to drop the charges?

acquitted or they just have to drop the charges? The federal judge threw out the suspension, basically decided that the commissioner couldn't punish him in the way that he did. In other words, he just ruled that you don't have the right to do that in this case. Huh. They can do that? They just decide that you don't have the right to suspend somebody? I guess, I guess if, I mean, I'd never seen it really go this far before. What looked like, I mean, you know, I'm sure someone's going to explain it better than I can, but like the

commissioner said, you know, you're suspended four games and you guys are fined this and that for your part, you know, for this, uh this what I'm accusing you of which is the deflating the footballs right right and then he appealed and then they went back and forth and then this federal judge was gonna rule whether or not the suspension could be upheld or thrown out and he ruled that it was like that the Commissioner didn't have the authority to do that. Yeah. Even though he's suspended a lot of other people before for a lot of other things, and there's never been, I've never seen it thrown out like that before. Now, how does that work?

Because they also took away their draft picks, right? Yeah. And fined them a good amount of money, too. So do they have to pay that money back? That's what I don't know. I think they're trying to get people were like well what are we gonna get our drafts picked back are we gonna get the money back like all those things i think are still up in the air but didn't that guy destroy his phone he did he did he did destroy one of his phones yeah so they said that one of the big things is that like this doesn't prove

that he didn't do anything wrong or that he didn't do what he's being accused of. All that the judgment is saying is that you can't suspend him for these four games. Now, what's the benefit of having a softer ball? It's a preference thing. Every quarterback is different. And a slightly deflated ball has an easier grip is what some people argue. You know, they don't like it super full because it's really hard. And sometimes it's a harder grip.

So a slightly, slightly deflated ball. You know, these guys, it's like any sport. Like, you know, the basketball guy might like his fresh pair of sneakers and make sure. You know, you see the guys, they put the powder on it. It's just like a personal preference thing. So some guys like it, that full grip, and some guys like it slightly deflated. What a massive distraction for people, though. Like, how many people over the last year have been talking about deflated football?

Unbelievable. I've never heard a single thing since corked bats. Remember the corked bats controversy? Oh, yeah, sure. Guys would drill holes in their bat and put cork in the center of their bat because apparently it gives more spring to the ball and you would get more distance out of home runs. Yeah.

That's the last time I remember something being like, I don't remember who it was, but there was some famous player who broke a bat and then the bat had cork in it. Yeah, I remember. And everybody was like, outrageous. Outrageous. What have you done?

Part of it, obviously, is because he's Tom Brady, so it's like going back to the Lance thing. It's like everyone's watching him. They just won the Super Bowl. He's the guy. He's handsome. Yeah. He's got this beautiful supermodel wife. Do you know how much money his fucking wife has made?

I've read a lot of different stats, but apparently it's nothing short of $250 million. $400 million. Wow. He apparently has made $150 million, and she has made $400 million. For modeling. From looking pretty. Yeah. For being, yeah yeah that's it i

mean i don't have any idea what she sounds like when she talks she's kind of a deeper uh guy yeah i've always been the sexy one in the family she has that portuguese accent wow but i mean stop and think about that you can make that much money as a supermodel yeah that's more money than Bo Jackson ever made his entire career yeah that's really crazy 400 million bucks damn and he's a he's a fucking one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time right yeah without a doubt without a doubt he can't even come close to that it's not even it's not if that's the real figure it's not even close quarterbacks man that's the real figure, it's not even close. Quarterbacks, man, that's a tough gig. Because those dudes are all running at you, trying to smash you. Yeah.

They say Peyton Manning can't feel his fingers? Yeah, he can't feel his fingertips, and he's been told a lot of times that... He's never coming back. Yeah. And he had that neck injury where they were like, you're never coming back. And that's how much he loves playing, that you know fought through it what did they do for his neck they did that reginokine shit that shit i had done on my neck he had a crazy surgery done and then surgery yeah he had surgery for sure so they probably trimmed back the disc you know what they're doing now man they're giving people stem cell shots really oh dude i got one on my shoulder

did you do that thing by the way when your kids were born were you like this yeah you banked the yes ambiotic but apparently there's a better way to do that now I think they use placenta now for that too yeah they used to use the the cord but now I believe they use placenta they gave us a whole kit and we're supposed to bring yeah yeah yeah look into it because I think there's another more effective way. Really? Yeah. The, uh, the stem cells though, that you, they get from the placenta. It's really fascinating stuff, man. They're, uh, taking these, I guess it's amniotic, I guess that's the word. And, uh, they take these stem cells from, from placenta and they're shooting them into athletes. And, uh, it's amazing. It comes out It's amazing it comes out of this it comes out of this tube where there's it's liquid nitrogens in it

So smokes coming out of it because it's frozen before they inject it in you It's really freaky like this is some space-age shit. Yeah one shot and they shoot it in you Within a week within a week my shoulder fell amazing really yeah now I'm five weeks in I keep waiting for it to hurt. Like I'm doing all this working out, I'm doing rows and chin-ups and I keep waiting for it to fuck with me and it hasn't been fucking with me at all. And everything else good? Back, knees, all that stuff?

Yeah, everything's good, man. That's awesome. I'm gonna start shooting that stem cell shit everywhere. Yeah. Anytime anything's wrong, shoot it in there. Let's fucking see what's up. They're gonna have have within a few years They're going to have these places where you're going to be able to go and they're gonna put young blood in your body

This is gonna happen This is the next thing because they've done all these studies that have shown with mice that when they take young blood like the mice The young the blood of young mice and they put in the blood of old mice the mice their memory improves Their athleticism improves their body starts moving like a young mouse And then when they take the blood of old mice and they put it in young mice the young mice become old and tired Really yeah Wow Fucking freaky kind of amazing someone's probably someone's gotta be doing that right now dude in China Guaranteed they probably have a bunch of fucking prisoners hooked up to machines, and they're sucking

blood out of them like the Matrix. Yeah. You know, and just pumping them right into their athletes. Yeah. They're also going to, they're doing these things called myostatin inhibitors. Myostatin is what regulates your muscle size. And they're doing that on Chinese athletes, allegedly. China doesn't give a fuck.

They go crazy. Fuck. When you have a billion people. Yeah. Just like, there's plenty of people, bro. That's our number one resource is humans. Yeah. Let's experiment. See how lucrative we can get. Get lucrative right now.

I got to go pee. Go pee. We'll wrap this up. Okay. We've already done three hours. Holy shit. You're a fucking animal. Tommy Bunz, when's your Netflix special?

You just recorded one. When is it airing? It's coming out in January. It's coming out in January your Netflix special? You just recorded one. When is it airing? It's coming out in January. It's coming out in January? Yeah. And then the last one, which is hilarious. Completely normal. It's on Netflix now.

It's on Netflix right now. Go take a peek, you fella. You can see Tommy Bunz' podcast. It's called Your Mom's House with his lovely and talented wife, Christina Bozitski. You can catch Tommy on Twitter. It's Tom Segura or on Instagram it's Segura Tom because I guess there's some other Segura, Tom

Segura character out there. And he's fucking awesome. If he's coming to your town, go see him. Check out his website, all that jazz. All that stuff's available on his Instagram and his Facebook and his Twitter. That's it um all right you fucks we'll be uh back tomorrow so uh tomorrow i'll see you then until then be nice to each other you fucking savages bye you