The Joe Rogan Experience - #70 - Brendon Walsh

Episode Date: January 11, 2011

Joe sits down with Brendon Walsh.

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, Brendan Walsh, please welcome Brendan Walsh to the podcast. Hi, everybody. Fresh out of Texas, bitches. Fresh out of fucking Austin. Austin, Texas is such a strange place, man. Just one like super hippie spot in the middle of this really conservative kind of fucking, you know, drag black guys behind trucks. Yeah. A lot of that shit going on outside of that

you know i mean i love dallas and i love houston and i love the cities in texas but like there's a big difference between austin and a lot and everywhere else like in even i'd say houston but like any like houston has a cool part of their town there's like a little part of the city that's that's kind of okay but any other place like just imagine for a second living in dallas like yeah or any other place in texas austin is just so different for not just for the state i mean for the country it's like it's a unique cool place to live it's a weird vibe right it's really always fascinated me um when when towns like get a vibe like san francisco in the 60s i would have loved to have seen what that was like oh i think about that a lot don't do you yeah yeah watch like documentaries on it like that must have been so

strange before acid was illegal and yeah i mean i watched the um the end of hair last night uh you know the movie Hair? Yeah. And just the last scene, I was hanging out with my friend Henry Phillips. Do you know Henry? Yes. And yeah, I don't know. He's the musician guy?

Yeah, music comedy guy. He's the one who played with Doug? Yeah, he played on Doug's CD. Something to Take the Edge Off. It's one of my favorite Doug Stanhope CDs. It's a great one. It is good. And he did it very rhythmically together.

They work great, you know? Yeah, it's funny when Doug, and this is obviously, you know, secondhand, but I've heard it from both of them. When they first started hanging out, like Doug knew Henry was a guitar comic and didn't see his act for years because he was afraid.

He's like, well, if I see your act, it's guitar comedy. It's going to suck. I won't be friends with you anymore. But then when he said, Henry's hilarious. I mean, I don't know if you're familiar with his stuff. I'm not too familiar with it, but that is a funny thing, man. It's really hard to be friendly with someone who's not funny.

Yeah, and they were palling around a lot. So Doug was like, I don't even want to see it. That's funny. Yeah, but Henry's great. He actually, while we were talking in the car, he has a movie called Punching a Clown that he made. It's hilarious. And it's out.

You can get it on Netflix or whatever. Do they have it on Netflix streaming? I don't think it's on streaming. Damn. Damn it. But it's definitely, you know, or buy a copy. By the way, before we get started. I don't have anything invested in the movie. I have to thank our know, or buy a copy. By the way, before we get started, I don't have anything

invested in the movie. I have to thank our sponsor, The Fleshlight. It is an actual sponsor. Yeah, I've heard that. Dude, don't put the rubber dick on them.

You're always creeping people out with the rubber dick. They made a rubber dick, but no one's fucked this. You don't have to worry about it, but check it out. Have you ever felt one of these things before?

No. Fill it. That's like some serious tech. It's supposed to be a butthole some serious technology man yeah that's pretty weird i mean this is they've they've figured out masturbation they got that shit nailed yeah that's pretty fucking sporty it's great yeah if they just keep making these i think the evolution of the masturbatory device is over i mean this is good enough yeah yeah you know maybe some sort of a self self-cleaning jammy might be pretty good iphone charging doc hey iphone on verizon today yes did you hear about that iphone's coming out on verizon oh i heard something last night the only thing that sucks is it's not international and like if you go somewhere

like if you go to england try to use it it's not going going to work. And data and voice. Yeah, you can't use. But you know what? How often does that come up? Does that come up for you a lot? Fuck yeah. Hey, I'm on the phone. Hey, you want to go get something to eat tonight? Yeah, hold on.

Let me look online and find out a good restaurant. And you do it right while you're talking. Huh? And you do it right while you're talking. You do that all the time? On AT&T. Oh, I do it all the time. Or you're like talking to somebody, listen to Pandora or something.

On one hand, it's like, can't you just hang up the phone? On the other hand, that is kind of cool to somebody listen to pandora or something well on one hand can't just hang up the phone on the other hand that is kind of cool to be able to do that yeah do you use a headset or something well a car bluetooth you oh right right right you're driving while you're doing this no like i guess like i fuck google and it's like more complicated than texting you fuck no you're out there risking lives no like stop like stoplights and stuff. Oh, only at stoplights. Yeah. You got to discipline yourself, son. Dude, and the traffic out here is a little bit different than most places.

Most of the time, you're sitting here going two miles an hour. You know? Still, it's dangerous. Texting, you can go two miles an hour. Dangerous. Fucking red lights. You didn't see it in time. Spang!

Do you like you don't do it at all? No. I don't allow myself to. Because I'm worried about hitting somebody, man. I'm worriedying. Do you like you don't do it at all? No, I don't allow myself to because I'm worried about hitting somebody, man. I'm worried about being irresponsible. Well, definitely when you're on the highway going 55 miles an hour, I'm not just doing it. I just won't look at it. You know, I'll take phone calls and I can make phone calls with my car.

It does Bluetooth, so you can actually tell it to press a button and say, call Brian. And you just talk through your stereo. Yeah, that I'll do do but i'm not fucking texting that's crazy i've seen people do it i've i've had people do it while they were driving and i was a passenger and i asked him to stop i'm like man you can't do that that's that's too crazy like that's like you're you're you're like riding a motorcycle on one leg right you might get away with it but this shit might end ugly man put. Put the fucking phone down. You're typing with two hands and controlling the steering wheel with your pinkies. It's a 2,000-pound piece of machinery, not your piloting.

More like four or whatever. 2,000 is like a race car. That's like a stripped-down car. Is it? I don't know how much cars weigh. 3,000, 4,000, man. Now, do all that two miles per hour. You could probably do it, right?

Way easy And that's what 99% of the traffic in LA is I hear you man When I'm in my car There's a guy named Tony V from Boston And he taught me this He was a comic from Boston And he was traveling from Boston

To New York a lot He was going all the time A couple times a week. You know, it's like three and a half hours. Oh, okay. There and back. And he was going back and forth

and back and forth. And I said, does that drive you crazy? Like, how do you not go nuts when you're fucking driving? He goes, you know what, the way I look at it,

I get in the car, I just go zen. I say, this is what I'm doing now. I'm driving my car. It's like, I'm not going to freak out about it because I'm just going to keep doing it.

I do it all the time. Yeah. It's all in how you approach it. And I and i went wow that's such a fucking smart way of looking at it and i it like forced me to rewire the way i look at certain things you know like shit that's boring travel air travel you know you can really bum yourself out and go fuck i'm getting a fucking plane but you just know it's ahead of you just get zen just get the drive i have the same kind of attitude with the driving i drove a lot when i first started you know doing the road and um i had driven from austin to la or san diego a bunch of times that's like a 20 hour drive and i would just do it you know drive do it straight through most of the time um but it's

just like you know it's like, all right, well, I'm going to be in the car for a couple days. Yeah. And I just want to get there. I mean, I'm a fucking, I'm an animal behind the wheel. You worry about cops though, man. The whole fucking speeding is so. Oh, I don't speed like crazy.

No, I'll do like just right around 10 miles over the limit, just under. Isn't that crazy? There's like a little gambling thing you do there. Well, because you see people whiz past you when you're doing that it's like well that guy's doing a fucking hundred so like nobody's gonna pull me over there's certain people on the highway just go this guy should not be driving man how many times you've been on the highway when you see some dude just weaving in and out of traffic i hate that need for speed guy you know inside that guy's car is probably sounds like like he's probably one of those like guy that

pimps out his card that like you know like need for speed drifting he probably drifts around sometimes it's just a lot sometimes it's just douchebags man well it's people everybody's the most important fucking thing in the world like like when you see cars fucking parked in parking lots and they're not like when people totally cross over two spaces like real assholes but like just if they're like kind of not between the lines right it's like what are you in such a hurry for like i always straighten my car out and fucking make sure you're not gonna fucking be part is this like a boring conversation line though there's this fine line between being a courteous driver and getting stuck behind a monkey.

Yeah. You know, sometimes you just see some dude like all this fucking dummy. You don't even know what you're doing, dummy. You're fucking panicking. You're locking up the street. OK, do I go around this guy? Fuck yeah. Just go.

Yeah. You know, sometimes you have to make that move, too. Yeah. Because otherwise you'll just be back there going, really? Yeah. This just took 10 minutes longer because you're retarded yeah i gotta be behind you uh you fuck that's why there needs to be something in the future where you could shoot that guy like a text message using his license plate number or something like like fuck you i hate you here's my balls ideally

brian the utopia would be that they would no longer exist and we would use robots for retarded labor and those people wouldn't exist anymore we would have a fully enlightened society we would use robots for retarded labor. And those people wouldn't exist anymore. We would have a fully enlightened society. We would be able to really go into the ghettos and revive the school systems there because we wouldn't be afraid of having poor people around all the time. Kill them off. No, we would be fine, man. We'd be utopia.

We wouldn't be afraid anymore. That's the idea. Brian. I know. You're not supposed to shoot them text messages. That shit's not going to help. They're stupid. What we've got to do is stop making stupid people

We've got to help those people not be stupid Therefore their children won't be stupid And there'll be no more stupid people That shit is all possible Yeah I think Well, I mean, it's like It's possible

You ever met a dude, though? Like a genetic dude Where you go like, this guy No matter what This is that guy He's fucked He's just working on three cells of a nine cell battery he's just he just doesn't yeah it's not all there he's not that there's not

much going on up there there's a lot of people that are just like that like you have to some guys have big dicks sometimes some guys do not some guys have super powerful brains some guys do not some guys have brains that suck you know that's an unfortunate part of life And it's not even that you have Down syndrome or you have a disease. You're just dull. You're just some jackass. There's a spectrum, unfortunately. There's a biological spectrum of people. And it includes brains.

Yeah. I mean, you need some people to deliver pizzas and fill potholes. You do right now. You do right now. You do until we figure out how to make robots that can do everything. Then you don't need people anymore. You don't need people doing any nonsense things. You just need robot repair people.

That's all you need. Right. I can't wait for that. Robot repair guys. That'll be every, like, when you're watching Maury Povich, you see those commercials for, like, robot repair calls. Well, I had this joke that I used to do about two things you'll never see at the same time

is marijuana being legal and jetpacks, because society would crumble. Right. Because there would be no work if you had jetpacks. You'd have to, you know, like, you have to break things down. It's very important you don't have too much fun. If you want to keep society rolling. Brian will tell you that, right, Brian?

That's right. Brian's just 100% fun. I am fun. So this iPhone, the problem is you're not going to be able to do calls and get online at the same time. To me, that's a pretty big deal for me. I'm a very data, very multitasking iPhone user, and at least I want that option. To me, I have Verizon and I have a Palm Pre Plus,

and it's great, but I've noticed trying to do things on that when I'm on the phone. The iPhone on AT&T, if AT&T was the shit, the iPhone would be the greatest thing ever. But AT&T just sucks it so hard. shit the iPhone would be the greatest thing ever but AT&T just sucks it so hard yeah it's gonna be

so much nicer I don't have an iPhone but I don't know anybody who can get reception anywhere like where they live like my old roommate

dude this is what happens man when we have a UFC there's like 18,000 people in the arena yeah before anyone's there I can use my iPhone I can get online

I can go on my Twitter. I can check things out. As soon as the arena fills up, it's dead. It's useless. You can't get online. I try to Twitter from my phone when things happen in between rounds. I can't do it. Now imagine half of that arena, if not more, leaving that arena to go to Verizon's arena, and then your cell phone would work better, right?

That's what the biggest problem is, is overcrowding on towers and the handoffs. So do you think that that's going to happen the same way with Verizon? Is it the same sort of a system? Because how much... I think it's good. I think it's going to dilute the cell phone's coverage out completely. You know, it's not going to be everyone on AT&T just so they can have an iPhone. It's going to be kind of more, you know, diluted.

Right. But what I'm saying is, do you think that Verizon is going to get overburdened by AT&T? At first, I bet yes, there's going to be a lot of problems. That's so crazy. I bet you'll watch Verizon's network deteriorate at least in the first couple months.

During South by Southwest a couple years ago, nobody's iPhones worked in the whole town. Because 150,000 hipsters all with iphones come to town where there's all right and you just couldn't get a hold of anybody that is so ridiculous you guys were forced at south by southwest to go like caveman style i have timo oh you're fine yeah i have uh a BlackBerry. But I couldn't get a hold of anyone. I used to have an AT&T BlackBerry,

and I thought, you know, this is just the way coverage is. And then I got a Verizon one and drive it around LA. Like, all the spots it used to drop off, it doesn't drop off now. Yeah. That, to me, is fucking gigantic. That's the most important thing. I've got to be able to talk to you. I've got to be able to talk to you.

If I can't talk to you, if the phone cuts it, that's number one to me yeah iphones are way better than blackberries but for me it's the most important thing is i gotta be able to definitely know that i can get a hold of you that i can get a get a signal that's annoying as fuck to me when there's a lot of dead zones when you can't keep a important conversation when you're driving somewhere but you still have to have an important conversation i can have those conversations in my car with verizon yeah but all those problems are 90 a lot of it is from overcrowding the cell phone towers is that true because what i heard is that gsm has a harder time switching towers well it would be true if that if you drove the same place every single day and it happened at the exact same place while you're on the phone every single time it

does to me it happens to me there's there to me there's one place that i know of where you just go down this little loop and you lose service for a second and that's the only place i can but i remember every single time but other than that it's so random from from me uh driving to legends driving to the jujitsu gym right there's a few places where it just always cuts out every single time yeah but with verizon it doesn't boring ass fucking conversation yeah this is pretty cool it's like a couple of guys hanging out on their break fucking loading dock techno verizon talk what's amazing though is how many people who are like on verizon or on on at&t

want you to be on it too right you knowholes. Come on, man. Get with Sprint, bro. Get with Sprint. Look at this. I got this phone, man. I'm on Sprint now. Sprint's good. It's good for minutes, though. If you have minute-to-minute calling and rollover minutes and stuff like that. That's true. That's a smart way of looking at it. Some people want to be on the

same team as you. When you have AT&T, if you don't use 50 minutes the next month, you keep that 50 minutes and it adds on to your minute collection and you can collect them, you know. I just have unlimited. Right. Yeah, you can do that too,

which is you're paying probably extra than you really need to. I guess if you looked at it and you made, you want to. Let me throw my hat into the ring here. T-Mobile? T-Mobile. You don't seem like a stripper.

Strippers all have that? You really don't. Is that a stripper phone number? Oh, fuck yeah, that like a stripper. Strippers all have that? You really don't. Is that a stripper phone number? Oh, fuck yeah, that's a stripper. It works everywhere. I got Cricket. Wait, so like now I'm... I got Cricket. I got Cricket and T-Mobile.

What is T-Mobile? Like fucking ghetto skank phone? It is a weird one. It's a weird one. It's a weird one. Verizon is your no-nonsense person. You don't want to lose a signal. That's Coke and Pepsi and you're drinking RC. Well, when I got it...

You don't even have the iPhone and you get that shitty service? Right. No, it's good. I don't have any complaints. T-Mobile's no problems i'm nowhere yeah like it all it always works and it's like i don't pay that much oh no no i actually would go with t-mobile before my touch it's like basically the iphone yeah yeah keep telling yourself that yeah it's got a bunch of apps yeah i got it's like the RadioShack version of Atari or something.

Not even close. It's the iPhone five years ago. Check this out. Well, this is an older model. That fucking phone, that really is like some crazy leap of technology. I never thought it was at first, but then I realized as time went on, when you start dealing with the applications, then you realize, whoa, this is like the most insane little device ever.

This is not just a phone. I can hold this fucking thing up to a speaker, and it'll tell me what the song is. And also, like, I just put, I know, like, way ghetto. I just discovered the, well, Angry Birds, you know, that fucking video game. No, no, but like, I was, yeah, I'm, whatever. I just, I never fuck with that shit.

And somebody showed it to me recently. I was like, yeah, I'm whatever. I just, I never fuck with that shit. And somebody showed it to me recently. I was like, oh, this is fun. But the fact that like you pull the bird back with your screen, like just the fact that it's like this thing knows like how far and how hard to pull this like rubber band. Like how do they know where that is on the screen? And it's alien technology, right? It's crazy. It must be. Yeah.

It's like, you know, at a certain point in time, people look at things and they just go, how did this ever get thought up? You know? And it really does seem like it's alien shit. It's gotta be something. Because how did we make the leap from like, when I was a kid, there were fucking rotary phones. And then now there's this i'm 37 and like i was using rotary phones and like

you know uh we didn't have microwaves like if you wanted to make a potato when i was like eight years old you'd have to block out like 40 minutes to make a fucking potato right you'd have to fucking bake that shit yeah Yeah. And when microwaves were just like, oh, here's this new thing. Yeah. I don't know. I remember that. I remember that.

Of course. Well, I'm 43. When I was a kid, there was no answering machines, rather. Oh, yeah. You couldn't even get a hold of somebody if you just had to call. Remember when it was like an emergency

or you're trying to call a radio station and you're trying to do the rotary dial and you're like... Yeah. You're like trying to force it to go faster. How crazy is caller ID? The first time I saw caller ID, I was like, whoa, they can tell you who's calling? Like a little digital readout. It was like a separate standalone device.

It would read the number as it was calling in and it would say it out loud. Call from 323-116. And you're like, whoa, we are in the fucking future i had when i was in austin when everybody was getting the the caller id boxes i guess i don't know if i had to change the number into my name or something either way i got i found out you could get listed as whatever you want in the white pages so i told him my name was guy chinese so every time when i called one of my friends it just it said chinese guy like oh some chinese guy called because he does last name first right and uh yeah that's just that's something i was reminded of recently when you look at the phone

when an iphone like when you get a phone call and it's coming in and you see that full resolution photo of the person oh yeah can you see their name over it it's like i don't think we realize how fucking crazy that idea really is the idea that you're able to send photos and images to each other all of it stream video and but touch screen is like yeah that fucking blows my mind like i don't how does an ipad work how does that shit fucking work and how did that just happen all of a sudden exponential you know advances in technology it's like one guy figures out one thing that applies to something else and they all get in together and then they come up with a better one and then it builds from there

and there's so many fucking people working on this shit all over the world i mean yeah and you know it's technology begets better technology it just keeps going and going and going and going and it's a fever pitch for christ Christmas I got an Apple TV and I don't know if you've seen this. It's this little box that you hook up to your TV. How is it? I fucking love it. And I have an Xbox. I have a PS3. I have all that shit.

But this thing is so perfect. And what's cool about it with your iPhone if you're sitting there and you want to search for a movie on Netflix or iTunes or something like that, you just connect it with the remote application and you just sit there and use your iPhone as like the best remote ever. It's perfect. So you can use it. You can connect to like the slideshows.

What's cool if you have a flick. So your iPhone connects as a wireless remote. Right. And if you have any videos or photos or anything on your phone, you just press play and it will transfer it to your tv and your sound system so like i was watching like videos i filmed and just transferred it to my and you're watching on tv yeah from my ipad or or i wanted to use my itunes on here so i transferred it to holy like wireless and you can share other computers my old roommate had that yeah and uh i could yeah there's a setting and and then I could play all my iTunes and shit through the TV.

Through the TV. And what's also cool is that if you have a Flickr account, it connects to your photos, and you can do the last 200 photos. So I have, if you've ever been to my Flickr, just random photos, and it makes these cool collages as a screensaver while you're listening to music. So it's just like this tripped out slideshow from all your last 200 flickers and it's it's crazy like there's pictures of you and then there's pictures of like you know like joey diaz's balls and just mixed into like this collage it's badass

and you can do it to anybody so i could do it to yours like i could type in uh yeah add joe's flicker account so then it does a slideshow of all your photos, like your last 200. God damn. Badass. What the fuck is going on? I don't know. I'm still upset you guys told me I have a dorky cell phone carrier. No, it's not. It is a pink T. It is a pink T.

You do have a trackball on it. You gotta realize trackballs are so 2007. I'm so not a technology guy. I don't know. I don't feel the need when new shit comes out. I know you're into it. And I just, I don't know.

I can, like, this is crazy. That's like, fuck. I don't even, like, do you drink scotch? Well, realistically, you're right. I do drink scotch. That's why. You're much more logical. I mean, realistically, just stay.

Don't pay attention as much. Stay a bit behind the curve and just do it fucking it's plenty it's good and it's yeah and then people who are like who get all the new shit they'll be like oh wait you don't have an ipod i'll give you one here take this one okay you know you're like oh cool and i have like a first edition ipod but it's the coolest thing i ever owned right Right. That's awesome. Yeah. Completely true. Because I give all my shit away to like my friends. Like Duncan. Yeah. Duncan has got like a whole entertainment system

which is like old printers and LCD screens. Duncan's got my old iPhone. Yeah. Oh, that's right. He was talking about that the other night. Him and Natasha just moved in up the street for me. Oh, yeah? So I've been hanging out with him a lot.

Orgy time. Yeah, that's right. We're already working it out. Get your freak on. Get your freak on. Me and Duncan are going to double team Natasha. Get Mayor Cutie involved. Isn't it beautiful that you work with comedians and you can say things like that and no one

gets upset? We'll see. We'll see. But if this was a group of plumbers at some sort of a... Talk about double teaming someone's wife. Yeah. Not really. Yeah.

Not really that funny. But comedians were, you know, you just accept it. For the most part. Well, first of all, you know when to say it and how to say it. Right. You know? But there's a lot of people that aren't comics that would say it, and you'd be pissed probably. Oh, sure.

Yeah. I'm a comic, and I just said that to you about your wife, and you'd be like, what? Well, you've got to. You talk about banging someone's wife, you've got to really know them good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't just fucking, you know, crack jokes about that to some guy you don't know.

You know, it's got to be after, you know, I've been around you and the wife for 10 years, and you haven't tried to fuck her yet. Right. You could be some crazy person yeah you're cracking jokes and making everybody uncomfortable yeah it's i always think it's weird when you find out like somebody that you think you or that you do know fairly well and then you touch on something weird where it's just an innocuous joke about like oh i heard your mom

has big tits or whatever right and you're like hey fucking no no i'm not down with that mom shit you're like what wait what you're no, no, I'm not down with that mom shit. You're like, what? Wait, what? You're rational about every other thing. But then there's like this weird line that can be crossed. Yeah. Well, there's people that are looking for you to cross a line all the time, too. Oh, yeah. They're like, hey, that's fucking out of line, bro.

There's those out of line guys that are looking to say that. It's unacceptable. Yeah. Did you see that documentary about Banksy? Banksy? Banksy. Exit Through the Gift Shop. Yeah, Exit Through the Gift Shop.

No, I didn't. I saw the preview and it didn't compel me. It's pretty interesting. People keep saying it's good, though. It's good. It's one of those things that you're going to look at at least L.A. a little bit different now. Really?

There's so many things that you just don't even notice. Like that Andre the Giant symbol that's everywhere. The Obey guy. It shows the guy that makes that and what he does and how he's been doing it. And he's been doing it everywhere. And it just shows also all these street workers. When the guy does that and comes out and says that, can't they arrest him? Because they consider that.

When you put those images all over the place like that, they consider that. They probably could. It consider that graffiti, right? They probably could. Vandalism, I'd say. But maybe unless they catch you red-handed, like you could go around all day and say, yeah, I put that up there. But really? If there's no proof, I mean, how are they going to prove that you did it?

You're saying you did it. I guess confession, right? You're an artist. Here's your work. Here's your first original sketches. Yeah. I put myself on a billboard in Silver Lake. I was driving home from the airport and I saw there was a Top Chef.

The new season for Top Chef, like last season, was in Washington, D.C. And they had all the contestants standing in the reflecting pool at the Washington Monument on this billboard. And when I was driving past it, I just thought, like, it'd be funny as shit if there was just some other, if you just added another cast member, some weird dude. And I had just seen that exit through the gift shop. And, you know, they get these big things printed up real big at Kinko's. And I was like, oh, I can get it printed up. And I called and was like, they do adhesive vinyl at Kinko's.

You make it as big as you want so i put on i put on like a fedora and a chef shirt like everyone else was wearing it had a big pot and was like stirring it i had my friend take a picture and i had to print it up real big at kinko's and then um and then i rented a ladder from home depot and uh climbed up on the roof of the 7-eleven and fucking stuck myself. Do you have pictures of this? I can email it to you. Do you have photos?

Oh my God, you must. That's awesome. You must. The thing is, my guy is like half the size. I'm way smaller than him. Well, one of them, I miss. I can't. Well, this is true.

I misjudge. I did misjudge the size of the billboard slightly, but I did want myself to be smaller because I was going to put myself like I was in the background of the reflecting pool, like in the pot. But when I got up there, I couldn't reach up high enough. So it's just like the cast of people. Did you worry about falling? No, it was on the roof of a 7-Eleven.

So I just had to get up onto the roof and then use another, like, an eight-foot ladder to get up to the billboard. That's awesome. Wow. Dude, that's so cool. That's hilarious. Yeah, I can pull it up on. Now, can you get in trouble for this, though? Should we not talk about this?

Well, it's done. It's over. Like, they took the billboard down. Right, but it was somebody else's ad? Well, you know what? I was at a party and there was an executive producer for the show who heard about it and thought it was hilarious. Well, so they gave you the green light? I have to get it out of my email.

Well, they just, I mean, it was already there. Yeah, I mean, it's not like you're ruining it. And it's so creative, you know? It was pretty fun. That's a genius idea. It was, and yeah, I guess I can't, I won't sell out the people who helped me, but me and the guy who was like my lookout,

like I had a guy on the corner just to see, because it was at a busy intersection, and just he was, I had my headphones on with my cell phone, he was just over there just like, all right, there's no cops, no cops. Like he was just there to tell me if cops were coming um but we both like after we did it we both agreed like i haven't felt that kind of like excitement it was like it was a feeling that i haven't really felt since like 15 or 16 like just real mischief like oh we might get caught and right i don't know

there was a certain like because we weren't like drunk or high or like there was a certain kind of innocence and like fucking oh man i haven't felt like that in a while like that was like because like if you get caught too like what's gonna happen the cop like especially you're sober you're not high and the cop's like what are you doing right you're like well i just yeah i know i just put my picture on there that's i don't know you know i'm a fucking idiot i guess what do you what is that right let's get this over with like because if you're not wasted or anything right right then what do they get you with they get you with probably vandalism like we talked to my friends it's pretty serious if it costs a lot of

money to fix a billboard it's not but. But people that have sprayed the side of buildings and it costs a lot to repair, that shit can be really expensive. Yeah, well, I think there's a big difference between graffiti, I guess, and what Banksy and all these street artist guys. These guys are actually making pieces of art that are better.

Okay, but some of the graffiti guys do some badass work. Yeah, but these guys do some stuff where people want that graffiti so bad, they'll buy the wall of that building for millions of dollars. I mean, that's how big these guys are. And the cool thing about this movie is that it shows— Wait a minute, how do they do that?

How do they sell you the wall of a building? They would— It's like adopting a highway. Someone wants to buy this painting, we're gonna take this fucking building they'll take the wall off the piece of that part of the building wow I've never even heard of that

watch this documentary that's a billboard that I never got to or that's the thing I was gonna put on the billboard it's a 10 foot by 4 foot wiener sticker there were these ads for I don't know what it was like urgent care or something and the whole billboard was just a blue billboard with white writing and not like font that said my blank hurts my blank line hurts

so we're gonna put wiener we're gonna fill it in with, yeah. So it just said billboards in my wiener hurts. It was in November and like I was on the road and I got back and saw it. Either way, I saw the billboard was like, let's do that. It was like that time was like mid-November. It rained for like two weeks, almost every night it rained. So we couldn't do it because it's a big sticker. We couldn't do it when it was raining. We didn't want to do it on a Friday or Saturday because it was um a busy kind of there was a bar right there right either way the night when we were finally it wasn't raining we were going to do it they took the billboard

down oh fucking we missed it by literally a few hours can't you just find like a schwarzenegger billboard there's no more weiner or somethingzenegger wiener or something? Well, yeah. I mean, we have the sticker. Yeah, you could put wiener somewhere else. Well, I could also just spray paint over it and make it into something. I've been keeping my eyes out for easy-to-access billboards. Yeah. You should put it on like, you know, like an, I don't know. The wiener?

Abortion clinic billboard or something. We'll see. Where the fuck have you seen abortion clinic? Like a Planned Parenthood where a woman's looking down at her. Come on, the Fred's Abortion Clinic. Or how about the Planned Parenthood where the woman's looking down at her belly and there's something about decisions.

Just put wiener on her stomach or something. Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking of I need to find a use for the wiener sticker but it's like i can just paint over it like it can still so now i'm looking to see because it's 10 feet by four feet that's a lot of vinyl that's fun next time you do that let me videotape it okay that'd be hilarious you guys are both going to jail i'll do it anyway this documentary here's the important part about it it's about this uh what's made it's called exit

through the gift shop yeah it's this camera guy he fucking is this crazy french guy that just videotapes everything and he has boxes and boxes and boxes and boxes of tapes you know of mini dv tapes and then one day he was like bored and uh he was like i might do like when they become an artist like this he ended up doing this show and you know selling art for thousands and thousands of dollars and just pretty much proved that like is art you know what is art this guy hired to people other people to do all his artwork and paintings and sculptures and stuff so it wasn't even him doing the art he was hiring people to do all these pieces of art and then became an artist from that and it's like it kind of like that's

what the point of the movie was like how crazy that journey is what what is art you know there are different um opinions on the movie too a lot of people think the whole thing is just some banksy hoax where he made all that art i see that guy the camera guy was fake like this is all just a big put on i see that and it could be i mean and then there's other theories where it's like, oh, well, that guy was real, but that was all just Banksy's art. I don't know. But it's all pretty possible. It's such a great documentary.

Really? Fucking love that. That good? Yeah, that good. It's good. Netflix streaming, too. So watch it on your iPhone on a shitter. Dude, there's too many things to watch.

I just saw Winnebago Man. Have you seen that? No, that's that guy who was the salesman. Yeah, losing his shit. Who swore. Motherfucker. I want to see that? No, that's that guy who was the salesman. Yeah, losing his shit. Motherfucker. I want to see that. Well, there's a documentary about him.

Really? Yeah, they went and found him. It was pretty, it's good. Really? It's a good documentary, yeah. Wow. It is. It was pretty.

What's so interesting about this guy? Well, I mean, it's funny. They show all those old clips, you know, of him, all the outtakes of him losing his shit and uh so the guy tracks him down and he's like this very kind of zen dude and he like hangs out with him for a day and he gets home and starts getting all these weird messages from him like that was a fucking put on like like the guy's kind of nutty and angry it's just an interesting documentary it's just the guy then the guy like yeah i don't know he called i'm i'm confused he calls the guy so he calls him back and says that that was a put on yeah he's

like that wasn't really me i'm fucking like he's got problems and he's angry he's just like kind of yeah he's a little nutty wow but it's good it's actually yeah it's weird and tight because yeah it's a good documentary just it's a there's a lot of nutty motherfuckers out there how about this crazy guy that went nutty in arizona yeah yeah i don't know much about it i mean i know what happened but i don't i haven't been reading he's bonkers they talked to his classmates classmates were terrified of him thought he was going to shoot people how old was he he's probably young his youtube videos his youtube videos freak me the fuck out that you posted there there's complete disconnect in his youtube videos it's like he's

just not making any sense whatsoever it's just a weird strange just pile of words hot pods it's just strange very strange was he just like isolated from society didn't he have like family or friends or family he lived with his parents i believe he was just really crazy obviously there's some sort of a serious mental imbalance yeah and he um you know just went nuts and you know people are blaming on sarah palin because sarah palin had these um these uh this website yeah where she had all these people that we were targeting. Like, we've got to get rid of these people in your district. Campaign against them.

And she had, like, targets on them. You know, like little bullseye targets. Like they were in gun sites. Exactly. That's what I thought. Yeah, gun sites. That's the right word. Not targets.

That would be what you would hit, right? Yeah. But the whole thing behind it, you know, it's just such a fucking strange debate. It's like, yeah, you really do have a certain responsibility. You've got to recognize that the shit you're saying is flammable. And not everybody's going to be able to handle it. And there's a certain amount of nuts out there that if you put certain thoughts in their head,

yeah, they might do something really fucking crazy. And they haven't done it before. You might be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You go putting bullseyes on people or gun sights on people. And there's somebody out there that might just, that's it. That's all they need. And they go. It's not.

Is it your fault that they're that fucked up? Absolutely not. But you've got a certain amount of fucking responsibility when you're in the public eye in a position like that, crazy bitches. Someone's got to talk to her. someone's got to let her know like you can't encourage violence you can't do that because you know that's you're in a bad your people are savages all right you know your people look i i would guarantee they think that 41 percent of americans believe that the earth is less than 10,000 years old.

This is a recent Gallup poll. 41%. I can't. I'm so shut off. I mean, it's so disheartening. It's scary, right? But think about those people. They can vote just like you and I can. Oh, dude.

Yeah, fucking yeah. If Sarah Palin, if she connects with those people and she rides this wave of retards, the numbers are very high it gets real spooky i think 10 years from now like there's going to be a president in office that makes george bush like look like a fucking genius like and sarah pale like we're not that far away things are being diluted so much and people are just being dumbed down and dumbed down like i'm dumbed down i used to be able to tell you a hundred phone numbers yeah i know my mom's phone number i could probably i probably know five phone numbers now yeah and that's stretching it's probably

more like three um i totally agree but people but these like generations who are just being born with never having to learn a phone number never having to retain information because they have google and they have it's like yeah in 10 years if there is a 10 years uh they'll be sarah palin for president won't like i mean yeah there's gonna be someone like her just some fucking i'm one of you it's like it's real obvious that we're moving in a direction where things are becoming more complex and things are becoming more technologically advanced but at the same time people are getting so fucking soft it's almost like there's two races going on you know there's a race the

de-evolution race where we just fucking dissolve into some blob like creature yeah and you know the higher form where they figure out how to you know abandon the ego and transcend the human body and download consciousness into computers and shit like that. I mean, there's two directions that are going at the same time. People are devolving to the fattest, laziest cunts in the world live in America. And then at the same time, and America is supposed to be one of the biggest first world countries, right? At the top of the heap, when the country is fat,

when there's money and when there's technology, the evolution is at a fucking staggering pace. Well, I feel like the people who are evolving, it's just all these people, like the Sarah Palin type people, the people who are behind that, they're just... They're clinging they're they're speed bumps and they're tools like they're it's easy to i don't know manipulate like it's like there's a some kind of uh power that doesn't want like people to evolve like it's easier to control people if they stay stupid so it's like well there's never gonna be but they want it they want it too they want to be controlled. I mean, people get it. It's comforting.

That's what it is. It's fucking comforting. You know, when you have a certain box that you'll think in and that's it. Yeah. There's no thinking outside that box. Jesus is right here and there's nothing above that. Right. Boom.

There you go. You don't have to think anymore. You're done. You have much more resources at your disposal. You don't have to think about shit. So for a lot of people, it's like a managing the mind tool. For a lot of people, it's like for them, it's like you questioning any of their shit. It's like you're fucking up my mind model.

And they get angry at you. You're making me think above Jesus. They're angry because their days are just filled with sexual repression and guilt and fucking. It's so crazy. Yeah. So they need to channel all that towards, you know, some fucking dreadlock guy and a cat in a hat hat. Yeah, you got to meet that guy.

He's got something for you. You might want to make a separate trip. Meet him in the parking lot. He's got the bigger bag. I'm bummed this record store by my house is closing down. And it's like, I don't even think you can go to a record store anymore. But you go to a couple. Record stores are like horses, bro. Yeah.

Okay? I took pictures of it. You don't need a fucking horse. Yeah. We have cars now. I like it, though, too. I like going to record stores. I like going to video stores still.

Like, I don't have Netflix. Oh, I can't do video anymore. It's just, I don't know. I like kind of part stores. I like going to video stores still. Like I don't have Netflix. Oh, I can't do video anymore. It's just, I don't know. I like kind of part of it is just like, I'm just going to go goof off like I did in high school. Like go to a fucking record store, get high. And I'm just, I don't even know what I'm here for. Let's see.

Let's browse. Like let's find some gem. But like with Netflix, like, all right, well, I'm ordering, you know, a few good men. And, you know, I have this queue of everything that's coming to be my entertainment for the next. And iTunes, same thing. It's like, oh, well, let's just walk around Amoeba, look through the discount LPs. And yeah, it's like, oh, wow, this is fucking some shit I never would have thought of to buy.

Yeah, Amoeba is a fantastic place for that. That's a great place. I like going through video stores too I like going and looking in the horror section like what kind of crazy shit you got in here that I never heard of yeah you tweeted about that devil movie I think the M. Night Shyamalan

it was not bad man I was pleasantly surprised a lot of people got angry on me on Twitter after I said that they got angry at me they were like that fucking movie sucked cock people got angry on me on twitter yeah after i said that they got angry at me they didn't like it like that fucking movie suck cock i want to see people got violent i tried to read it last week but i was with a girl fucking girls don't like scary movies you're dating the wrong girls the kind of girls that are willing to date brian love scary movies yeah they're all that's well then maybe that says a lot because i think i date pretty cool girls yeah but yeah i've never been

with a girl that's in this... Yeah, they never want to see scary movies. Any girl I've ever been involved with, I think. I fucking love scary movies. Oh, I love them too. They were all scary. I used to get Fangoria. I'd be so happy.

I don't like them. You know what I would love? Every movie about an animal that eats people. And they're trying to fight it off. You don't like documentaries? The Ghost in the Darkness. Keep making more versions of The Ghost in the Darkness. I just want lions that eat people and they're trying to fight it off. You don't like documentaries? The Ghost in the Darkness. Keep making more versions of The Ghost in the Darkness.

I just want lions that eat people. I think Maximum Overdrive was pretty sweet. Remember that one? What was that? The big green goblin semi-truck.

came to life and tried to run over Emilio Estevez. Yeah, I love that movie. Do I remember this? And I also like... ACDC did the... Was that based

on a Stephen King book? Yeah. No, it wasn't a book it was his first screenplay no it was the first movie he ever wrote specifically for the screen

I like that movie and one of my second favorite horror movies was Christine's I just like cars dude cars coming along horror movies

I love the whole the change in the dude where he's this real nerdy guy and then he gets this car and then all of a sudden the car like fucking turns him into this

badass, cool motherfucker who's super confident. Yeah. That was cool. That was creepy, man. The book is fantastic too, man. His books are great. Like, I read a shitload

of Stephen King books through high school. Especially when he was doing Coke. Yeah. Back in those days, the blackout days, he doesn't remember a lot of the books

that he wrote. Like, the Tommyknockers, one of my favorites. He doesn't even remember writing that the books that he wrote like like the tommy knockers one of my favorites he doesn't even remember writing that i don't think i read tommy knock that dude was just he was just pounding beer doing lines and just writing the craziest shit ever was he in creep show like he acted in yeah he's the guy that gets covered in yeah and he was his acting was so funny the faces he made It's so weird to watch that scene. He's crazy. It's funny, man, because I remember when I was a kid

and I would tell people that I would read Stephen King, they almost dismiss you. It's like you're not real serious about your reading. Right, right. Why aren't you reading Dostoevsky or something? Why aren't you reading a classic novel? Because there's no fucking killer clown that comes out of the fucking drain and kill you it was the shit i love those fucking books man they're good they're fun

they're they're exciting but but you know yeah people would like mock you they would mock you your mind yeah but it's like it's fucking he's good that's why he's popular like bill i fucking i like billy joel like unironic billy joel's fucking great you know and it's like i love old billy joe we've talked about this in the podcast a bunch of times really a bunch of times i'm glad people are talking about yeah i'm a fan because when i was a kid i loved billy joel yeah but that stuff that he started making like uptown girl and all this i was like whoa where'd you go yeah there's some clunkers where'd you go there buddy the uptown girl yeah that the shit that he did, like Piano Man,

that is like some of the greatest songs ever. Yeah, well, The Stranger is like a great album. Great album. That's almost every song on there is a fucking hit. And they're all good. 52nd Street's good. Glass Houses is kind of, that's when it started to make the turn

into the more kind of poppy, I think, pressures on Glass Houses. Still a great song, though. It's a great song. Yeah, he's a bad motherfucker. Shit. He was, but then, you know, the other stuff, I couldn't hang with that uptown girl type shit.

Yeah. And I was like, what are you doing, dude? You raped one of my heroes. What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing? That wasn't bad. I like that song. I thought that was a good song. It was a pop song.

You know what it was? It was kind of, he kind of went into this like doo-wop 50s kind of thing. But there was like a thing in the 80s too where the 50s kind of were cool again. Was that Back to the Future? I guess maybe Back to the Future made it like that. It's still rock and roll to me, man. That's a good pop song. It doesn't bother me. The Uptown Girl,'s a good pop song. It doesn't bother me.

The Uptown Girl, even, I mean, Uptown Girl shouldn't even bother me. The guy was in love. He got some supermodel pussy. I should just let him go crazy for a little bit. You know he was banging Elle McPherson before that? Was he? Yeah. He was just on Howard Stern recently.

Such a bad motherfucker he is. Yeah, he really fucking pulled in some talent over his fucking years. His casting couch. He was like an ugly John Mayer. It's like if John Mayer and Danny DeVito had a kid. He was more handsome than I when he was young. Do you follow Danny DeVito on Twitter? Yeah, I do.

What's up with that? I don't want to see his toe anymore. Oh, come on, man. Look at his toe. He was Danny DeVito. I know. What happened to his toe? Danny DeVito, if you want to show me your toe, Oh, come on, man. Look at his toe. He's Danny DeVito. I know. What happened to his toe? Danny DeVito, if you want to show me your toe, bro, I will look at it.

Respect. Danny DeVito is a fucking legend, man. I'm just kidding. I'm just going to show you his toe. You've got to look at it. I love Danny DeVito. I'm just kidding. If you were in front of that, who was that fucking guy that got caught with the shotgun

in the bank? What's that fucking guy from the larry sanders yeah yeah yeah rip rip torn rip torn yeah it's rip torn rip torn is that his name yeah i feel like that's a gay guy that's rip taylor the guy with the crazy mustache yeah at the end of the jackass movies yeah i saw the funniest shit last night and this is so old and i'm sure i know you probably haven't seen it but you've probably seen it a million times have you ever seen the old Yogi Bear that the original artist of the

old Ren and Stimpy's was hired by Cartoon Network to redo a hour of Yogi Bear and they just made Yogi Bear fucking crazy and Boo Boo turns into his like raging bear instead of being a nice guy he becomes like

a real bear like this is that john krikofalusi guy and he's like sick with rabies and then he grabs yogi's wife and they like start making out with like these trippy tongues it's the most fucked up yogi bear ever and i was sitting at home stone last night and i thought it was a normal yogi bear i just started watching i was like what the fuck is wrong with Yogi? It's trippy. Wow. It's amazing that Hanna-Barbera let their character, which used to be a kid's cartoon character, into the hands of a Ren and Stimpy.

Awesome. Maybe they lost money in the financial crisis. Yeah, I don't know. It's called a stupid theory. Tightening nerve. It's called Boo Boo Goes Wild. Is Hanna-Barbera really an entity anymore? Do they still make cartoons?

Cartoon Network does, right? Hanna-Barbera? I mean, did they just sell their cartoons? Did they produce them anymore? I think they combined with the Cartoon Network or something like that. Now they are the Cartoon Network. Is it like Hanna-Barbera? I think it's probably like Viacom.

How strange is it when you watch those old cartoons, like when you watch the super violent ones, the super violent Bugs Bunny ones where they're shooting each other and Daffy Duck's bill would get shot around backwards. He'd get shot in the fucking face, man. Yeah, yeah. It's like, but now you could, it's a weird thing because you can still show those cartoons,

but you can't make a cartoon like that now. You can't make new. Or they just like, I mean, are there... They would never air that. I mean, if you did it, it would be some crazy shit that you would have to have on, like, you know, maybe South Park. Well, there is, like, Ren and Stimpy on The Simpsons

where they kind of do that in, within a cartoon. Yeah, Family Guy. If I was to... Yeah, but not Ren and Stimpy, Itchy and Scratchy, where they cut each other in half. Yeah, but these are for us. Like, these shows are for adults. Well, so was The Flintstones, wasn't it?

Like, South Park is for adults. Was it The Flintstones? Yes, it was. The Flintstones. And that's what for adults. South Park is for adults. Was it the Flintstones? The Flintstones. And that's what I grew up with is Flintstones. That was like a version of The Honeymooners that they were trying to do in cartoon form. Yogi and Boo Boo were kind of like a version of The Honeymooners too, really.

Yeah, a little bit. Kind of Ralph Cramden. Yeah, it was such a fun pairing that they tried to redo it a bunch of different times. Yeah, and Snagglepuss was a faggot. What? Brian. Exit states left even. pairing that they tried to redo it a bunch of different times. Yeah, and Snagglepuss was a faggot. What? Brian? Exit stage left even.

Droopy Dog and Boo Boo had the same voice. Yeah, that's right. He was an actor, Brian. He wasn't necessarily gay. Just because you get off the stage to the left doesn't mean you're gay. And then that was the side of it. He was a Murgatroyd. He just got flavor. He just got flavor.

Exit states left even. Well, that was kind of a certain type of celebrity back then in the 60s and stuff. Like you had like Liberace and who's the guy? What's his fucking name? Paul Lynn. Paul Lynn. Yeah. I love that dude.

Do the head thing. Yeah. He's got a funny. It was an unspoken thing. People have always loved gay people in entertainment. There's always been the gay guy that America loves. Right. There's always been a few of those.

But they never talk about it. But that character to a kid's cartoon. It must have been so terrible for gay people back then to just not be able to be out about it at all. Because it's not like today, where you could just be walking around with your boyfriend. Elton John could bring his boyfriend to some dinner

and they could hold hands. You know, Ricky Martin is on the cover of People magazine. Him and his boyfriend, you know, they both have their babies together and they're holding hands

and shit. Like, that's all cool. You could not do that in the 1950s, man. It was not possible. It was an unspoken thing. Even if you looked like the gayest motherfucker

that ever walked the face of the earth, like Liberace, you would have a billion people insisting that you were a straight person. Yeah. Why aren't you married yet, Lee? We did talk shows and stuff. Yeah, they would always ask that.

Oh, I haven't met the right woman. Did you see the kids' cartoon? There's a kids' cartoon called Adventure Time. Have you ever seen that? Which is a straight-up LSD trip. Really? Every episode is just take mushrooms, and that's what the cartoon is. My initial question was, why do you think it is

that they were allowed to show violence like that back then, but now we can't? We can't look at that shit at all. Because back in the day it was cowboys and Indians. You're grown up with a gun in your hand and you're the bad guy and we're the good guy. Like a war kind of thing. I think it was more acceptable back then,

war and all that, because you grew up during World War I and World War II. Yeah, but there's wars going on right now. It's a little bit closer to home. It's funny, though, too. It's funny to watch a guy's face blow up and it's all black and his hair is all sticking back. That's funny.

Dust is coming off the top of him. That's the funniest shit ever. But then I guess people started suing people Because their kids like hit their fucking One kid hit another kid with a frying pan Yeah I have heard of that happening I have heard of a kid that hit a kid with a frying pan Because he thought he could do that because of cartoons

But that's called Watch your kids you lazy cunt He's picking up a frying pan Don't let him swing it at the four year old I just wanted to see the head boner remember the head boner that you know it was like a loner that came out of my god I do remember that birds birds would fly around that big fucking love trees remember tree branches smoking trees those fucking shows were great man yeah

yeah I think it's just funny when you like a guy like the Three Stooges. You know, you have a saw and Curly's acting up and you just saw him in the head. The weird question, though, is how come it's okay to watch those now? You could have those now on the Cartoon Network with all these explosions and all this shit is going off. But you could not make a new cartoon like that for kids. I don't know, man. Like I was saying, I've been watching these cartoons lately. They're fucking crazy now. Really?

G.I. Joe is a lot different than it was back then. What's G.I. Joe doing? Don't tell shit going on. His dick sucks. Chest hair. Duke has chest hair now. His dick sucks. Duke has chest hair now. Duke has chest hair now. You're like the Paul

into this show. Yeah, he is. He's straight as fuck, too. He's funny. You can see it online. I saw a clip of him. He used to be on Hollywood Squares all the time. Yeah.

And the question the guy asked me goes, so, Paul, when a man falls off of a boat, they say man overboard. What do they say when a woman falls off a boat?

And he goes, full speed ahead. Jesus Christ. Full speed ahead. So funny. Dude, I want to listen to Paul Lindhouse. He has a Halloween special that's supposed to be insane. It's hard to get a copy of it. But it was like 1976.

Maybe he did this Halloween special for CBS that's supposed to be insane. Really? This gay get a copy of it. But it was like 1976 maybe he did this Halloween special for CBS that's supposed to be insane. This gay guy that I knew from Boston who was one of those gay guys who never really would say he was a gay guy on stage. He would talk about his girlfriend on stage. But he was a really gay guy. Really fascinating character. But he said

first time I ever saw Vajana I was like eww. When's it gonna heal? Like he actually said that. When's it going to heal? I can't actually say that. When's it going to heal? Don't trust anything that bleeds for seven days and doesn't die. Because then that could... Well, no, it looks like a gash. Yeah, no, I know.

You know? Yeah. Yeah, it's a weird hole. I was out with this girl the other day that had, she doesn't like wearing underwear, and she has a hole in her pants right where her pussy is, and you don't notice it until she sits down and she doesn't cross her legs.

See some pubes or just some pee? No, her pussy's just right there. It's ridiculous. Her pussy's got pollutants on it. Yeah. You should wrap that thing up in pretty cloth. And I go, why do you have that? She goes, I just like these jeans.

And it's kind of cool. You get to air it up. You're not supposed to have your pussy out there. Rubbing against a park bench. Against the world. A park bench. Pigeon shit. Plastic seat at McDonald's.

It's like homeless dude just fart on. Well, Mrs. Rodriguez, it appears you have pigeon shit inside your vagina. Any idea how this happened? It's just blueberries. Vagina's a black hole. It's trying to suck dicks in there. And anything else that's close, it'll take anything. What is it? Pigeon shit?

It's like a shop vac. Yeah, it's a shop vac for cock. Vagina's just sucking in pigeon shit. Pigeon shit. Acorns and shit. She's got acorns in her pussy. Little pussy vagina sucking in acorns. Flyers.

Birds. Birds stuck up there. Flyers that were stuck under people's windshields and they flew them on the fucking ground. It's all stuck fucking postcard size. You should go to jail if you make flyers, you fuckhead. Yeah, you know, I was thinking about making a website because I just got another one on my street, too,

and it's for some computer thing. But I want to make a website of, like, don't support these companies. Like, every place that fucking... It's annoying to me, man, because now I have to take... I don't want to litter because now it's my responsibility. You put it on my car. Yeah, you fucking shithead. I'm not getting you... You're not cleaning my carpet. You put it on my car. Yeah, you fucking shithead. I'm not getting you.

You're not cleaning my carpet. No. Clean my fucking carpet. No, I'll call everyone else before the fucking nuisance who put a thing under my windshield wiper. Now I got a deal. I got to throw your trash out.

We're just trying to get our business out there. Isn't it funny you don't ever get attacked by one, you get attacked by six? Like, you know, usually it's not just one little flyer. If you get little flyer you get like them in your side windows also different you know what it might be the same company i wonder how many people like hire a service to go spam i mean there must be some sort of service that yeah flyers it must be right yeah it's like some kind of street team yeah like some guys on rollerblades and a fucking mail sack shoulder bag

you could just make a deal with a bunch of different businesses and say, hey, we'll print up little cards for you. We'll go out on my street team. Yeah, some dudes we pay four bucks an hour or whatever. Yeah, because there was a street team that was like part of the, when I had a CD at Warner Brothers, it was my first CD. And there was like a marketing budget. And part of the marketing budget was a street team. Where they could go out and put in fucking, they're going to vandalize. fucking they're gonna vandalize yeah put out put stickers out and hand out people you know hand out posters and shit put them on walls and hand out cd packets like you're spamming yeah

you're just putting little cards down at the coffee shop postcards with your picture on them is that cd your first one is that the one with the uh where the two guys are working out and start butt fucking yesucking each other? Yes, Brian Cowan. Yeah, it's me and my friend Brian Cowan. Oh, okay. Yeah, I've heard that. They play that on Sirius a lot, actually.

Yeah, Howard still plays that. Oh, yeah, that's right. It was Howard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, Howard. The one thing that would have happened was that we made a CD, or I made a CD, and I wanted to make a sketch that it was so fucked up you could only hear it it wouldn't be funny to see you would have watched these guys really fucking

each other no but there's something funny about it was so ridiculous yeah because there's always guys like if you're around any people that are like real bodybuilder type people once they start complimenting each other on different portions of their body like you cross this weird line you might as well just start kissing each other right affectionate weird it's weird man they start talking about your delts man the way they're coming in these fucking delts are amazing it's just a line bro from the pec to the delt that's that's beautiful symmetry right there you You think so? You think so, right? Never had that talk in my life.

Oh, man, it's a weird, the bodybuilder talk is weird talk, man. When you're sitting next to a dude and all of a sudden you realize he shaves his legs. And you go, oh, snap, son. Yeah. What's going on up here? Yeah, I'm so distant from that. It's a weird thing, man. I'm trying to develop my calves, man.

I want to avoid getting the implant, but I'm just trying to bulk them up. Man, it's hot. I'm super setting. I'm doing a lot. What do you think about my calves? So there's like a dude who's on his knees staring at the dude's calves going, you know, it's not as bad as you think, man. Man, they look small, bro.

I'm telling you, they're not that bad, bro. Frank Zane had very small calves. They just want to suck a cock. That's what they really want to do. They want to just dive on in there. Yeah, or they're just, yeah. We had those guys in high school that were really concerned about their bodies and working out so to the much that there was this one guy that had those Popeye calves where it was just like this huge bubble. And as like a 16-year-old kid, you'd just be like, what?

I can't even wear pants. That's fucked up, man. What's wrong with this guy? Well, some people just have this huge bubble. And as like a 16-year-old kid, you'd just be like, that's fucked up, man. What's wrong with this guy? Well, some people just have calves like that. My dad has these giant calves, and he doesn't work out at all. He doesn't do shit. He has these fucking big, like, they're twice as big as mine. It's just like his natural calves.

My dad kind of has big calves like that, too. Soft calves. Some people just have weird ones. Soft, yeah, my dad has soft, milky-like calves. Some people just have freak ones Soft, yeah, my dad has soft, milky white Some people just have freak leg muscles, man They probably got a lot of Neanderthal in them Neanderthal had some freak leg muscles That's what I think Alright

This podcast is also sponsored by marijuana If you can't tell ladies and gentlemen The tangents we're going off Calf muscles Fucking Neanderthals and shit Oh yeah but your sketch that's how we started on that What did we start off with? Your CD the thing where you, Brian Cowan fuck each other

There's something gay about Being really into your body But the reason why it starts though Is because chicks like it. That's what happens. Boys find out that it makes other men jealous when they have muscles and that girls like it. So then they get obsessed with their body.

But then somewhere along the line they're spending too much time with other dudes spotting them while they're squatting, yelling in their ear and just grunting and there's just pleasure. All the pleasure chemicals are connected to this. Well, and then you find like when you're getting laid,

you're checking yourself out more in the mirror. That's got to happen, right? Well, that's like, well, you got to check out some of you like you want to check out, look at my penis going in.

It's right there. It's right there. I want the lights out. I don't want to see anything That's a creepy one I've only had a couple girls ever in my whole life Say they want the lights totally out I'm like what? We can't even look at each other? That's part of the fun

Now I gotta get an infrared camera for this room That was some Boston Catholic guilt shit Stuck in some poor chick's head. I kind of like the lights a little low. I don't like it bright. I don't like it when it's bright. I like it like maybe a TV.

Like a fluorescent fucking lamp. As long as you can clearly make out body shapes and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Clearly look at each other. Why are we all looking at each other? and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Clearly look at each other. Why are we all looking at each other? But there's nothing wrong with banging in the daylight either.

Huh? Yeah. No, I like the morning sex is the best sex. Oh, the Catholic guilt. That's what I... Were you brought up Catholic? Yeah.

Yeah, me too. For a little bit, but not for very long. First grade was the last of it. I went to a Catholic school and it was so horrible that my parents were getting divorced at the same time it I went to a Catholic school And it was so horrible That my parents were getting divorced At the same time

They sent me to this Catholic school And I went from nothing I didn't go to kindergarten anywhere I just went right to first grade First grade Catholic school This fucking crazy nun She was so evil They're crazy

So evil And so vindictive And mean And you know And just intimidating to children Yeah That any ideas that I had about religion just stopped. Dead, right, dead, straight there. I was like, there is no way this bitch is talking for God.

I'm like, this is all craziness. These are all crazy people. When you're around them, you feel terrible. You've got to get the fuck away from them. And you can see the hypocrisy and see the anger and hear the shit that they were talking about when the priest was on stage talking. And the difference between that and the way they were acting.

Yeah. This is like, this is insanity. Like this is a torture colony. You're just fucking kids heads up. It is. Yeah, it does.

It fucks you up. I did it for eight years, first through eighth grade. And when I was in second grade, this is one of the most fucked up things. I was in second grade and I was in the, um, they do like that passion play that

it's like this thing they do around easter where like a bunch of kids you put on a little play or whatever right and uh so i was like in whatever this chorus thing and one of my friends jimmy was an apostle and we're at rehearsal in church and uh they're playing some music and there's some like acoustic guitar in the in the in the song so i try to get jimmy's attention i get his attention and go like like make believe i'm seven you know right and uh and then sister diane this woman starts like stops everything starts screaming at me this is god's house you don't behave like that in god's house like yells at me embarrasses the shit makes me feel like shit I go

home and she's doing it right when my mom's coming to pick me up too which is also like oh great my mom's seeing me getting screamed at because I got in trouble a lot but either way so I go home next day I'm back in school and somebody comes to class like sister Diane wants to or she comes and she's like oh sister Diane wants to see you in the hallway. And I walk out of the class, seven years old. And I even remember, too, when I'm walking out, I did a funny dance to try to make one of my friends laugh. Or, yeah, make one of my friends laugh. As soon as I get out in the hallway, she grabs me by my tie and picks me up.

And she's like, you don't do that in God's house. This is a day later. She's screaming at me about what I did in church the night before. And just a little air guitar move. I just, yeah. And I like just burst into tears. Like, I mean, I'm seven. Somebody just, I forgot about the whole fucking incident.

It's the next day. And she grabs me and gets in my face. And yeah, it makes me cry. And then I have to go back into my class all fucking, everybody could tell I'm crying. That's crazy. I'm glad I didn't grow up that way. There are a bunch of fucking dykes who, or not dykes, I'm not, whatever, lesbians. A lot of lesbians are nice.

Their issue is that they, first of all, they've committed to something completely and totally irrational. And by the time you become a certain age, you start to realize that. And you have to shut off parts of your brain in order to live this crazy you know semi-monastic lifestyle well they're living a lie like they really want to lick each other's pussies but they're like well we're gonna go to hell if we do that so we need to again like channel this fucking energy oh that kid just fucking spit on the ground let's go like beat the shit out of them with a ruler and yeah make them say prayers and kneel on chalk and all kinds of weird shit they made up.

Yeah. And, you know, and there's a lot of people that they're defended and they say, hey, you know, my church was not like that. And we were, okay, I believe you. And I'm not saying that it's all like that, but goddamn, a lot of us had to go through with it. Some people went through a good Catholic program and it was okay, but they, maybe even they're willing to tolerate a lot of shit that you and I wouldn't.

There's a certain amount of rules that you just say, well, that's the way the rules are. And for a lot of people, they're like, hey, why fight the rules? But for most comics, most people who have the mind of a comic, it's like, this is real stupid. What is this rule? Why is this here? And Catholic school squashes all that shit. Well, and they don't tolerate silliness. Because I wasn't a fucking like giving teachers.

I wasn't like one of those kids like, fuck you. Right. I just was like, yeah, just trying to make my friends laugh. And like, I didn't give a fuck about what they were talking about. I just wanted to make my friend John laugh with this fucking picture I drew or face I'm making or. Penis. It produces people. I draw a lot of dicks.

Always guilty and joyless. That's what it predicts. Produces. Or then creative guys like us who fucking, I mean, I've been thinking about actually reading that War of Art book, too. Not that they really talk about it in there, but I'm starting to recognize, like, I think I am kind of fucked up. Like, it seems cliche, like, to be fucked up from this Catholic shit that was crammed down your throat when you were a kid. But it's like, yeah, I think I do. I am kind of fucked up from this catholic shit that was crammed down your throat when you're a kid but it's like yeah i think i do i am kind of fucked up from that like there are certain kind of like insecurities and like because i got in trouble for fucking goofing off all the time and now my

whole life is goofing off your professional but then i feel guilty about it or like do you really yeah like i feel yeah how do you feel guilty do you feel guilty? Do you feel guilty like, hey, this isn't like a legitimate way to make a living? You should be doing something. Like, what do you feel guilty about? Well, I'll, sometimes, well, this is kind of a whole different can of worms. But I do think that this, it's like, it's really self-absorbed, self-serving, selfish kind of, like like 90 of my brain power is thinking about me and what i'm doing you know right and so i do think it's kind of an empty existence sometimes it's like well you know maybe you should just be helping people or you know like actually really doing

something instead of fucking worrying about you know taping a fucking set on a tv show like right right four minutes of jokes um but also like i yeah i just like i know there's like kind of a weird kind of fear of success i think i have from it too where it's like because i'm always like saying well i'm not good enough right because everybody was telling me i'm a fucking idiot when i'm a kid and then knock it the fuck off right and now it's like oh like there's weird kind of it's a mixed bag like yeah you feel like you're fighting against it all the time like you're swimming up river or i'm playing chicken with something you know where it's like you know oh here's where i want to be or here you know like yeah playing chicken with success or whatever where it's just like oh right when i'm getting

to it i'm gonna fucking flinch because i don't have the fucking balls or the you know confidence or you know shit that was kind of tried to be shaken out of me when I was a kid. Yeah, I think that's a real valid point, man. I think especially seeing little children growing up now, being around my daughters and seeing how they evolve as little human beings and how your programming, your input shapes their confidence, shapes the way they do things. I've seen my little daughter change from being scared to be around kids to being like really social in like a short period of time like like fearless like dives into groups of kids and starts playing and it's really like a slow metamorphosis of just just communicating with her and and showing her you know how to how

to be around people and what's fun and all getting to kind of give them a framework of how to think about things. But the framework that you get from the Catholic school is so jacked. It's so you're bad, guilt, you're a terrible person, you're an illegitimate person, you're going to shame your parents, you're shaming God. It's all this like, fuck, you suck. It's just this terrible fucking overpowering suppression feeling. It's all this like, fuck you suck. It's just this terrible fucking overpowering suppression

feeling. That's crazy. My whole religion growing up was completely 100% different than that kind of shit. Ours was you just go Sunday and you go there and it was teaching Christian Lutheran. Lutheran. Yeah. But it was more like mellow. It was like, so here's what we believe and let's just talk about it.

Cool. I'll see you next Sunday. You didn't go to, a Lutheran school? No, no. I just went to – Because my folks weren't, like, crazy religious. Like, I had to go to church on Sundays up until, you know, I was 14, like, when they were like, I'm not fucking arguing with you anymore. Do whatever you want. But my folks weren't, like, super religious.

It was all the school shit, like, nuns and priests. And yeah, well, it's, I mean, yeah, nobody's cracking any fucking case saying that the Catholic fucking religion's fucked up. I mean. Yeah. Well, you know, it's just interesting that I've talked to so many different people that have gone through some sort of a troubling religious background. Ari Shaffir with Judaism. Yeah.

Ari was like a serious practitioner. We'd read the Talmud like 12 hours a day. And, you know, he was living in Israel. I mean, like he went deep with it. So we got a caller on the line. It's not going to work in here anyway. There's no signal in here. It'll sound terrible.

It's Doug Stanhope. You want to try? I'm getting. Oh, wait. My bars just went away. Yeah. There's not much signal up here. We could try.

It's your fucking stripper-ass phone. Trying to get a call up here with T-Mobile, son. Hey. Douglas, me boy. It's Joe Rogan. We're doing our podcast right now. Oh, shit. What are you doing, brother?

What's going on? Is this your impression of Rogan? No, this is me. Oh, yeah. I guess you get it. Yeah, now everybody knows. They're going to rip me off. People are going to get your phone number and they're going to call with a fake accent.

He fucking posts it online every day. Do you really give out your phone number, man? Oh, yeah, sometimes. I saw those guys who interviewed you on the internet they just some dude just showed up at your house and you gave him the directions to your house wow and you didn't know nothing about this dude know nothing about this dude. No, no, I just kept ignoring his emails until he said, I'm outside of LA, I should be there sometime

in the morning. I hope to run into you. Oh, yeah, at that point I go, alright, let's get crazy and break. Douglas, you're an original, my friend. Well, I just want to say it's a long-time listener, first-time caller. What's the phrase that pays? Joe Rogan in the house, what, what?

What, what? Is this Ralphie Mae or are we still on with Doug Stanholm? Seriously, who is this? I put Ralphie Mae on my celebrity death pool. You think he's not going to make it? I think he makes it through sheer force of will. And weed. He's going to...

Just having to come up with 20 celebrity names, it's kind of pushed it. I picked a few friends. I traded Louis Black in for Tom Sizemore at the last minute. Nice. That's a good trade. Louis Black is fine. And he's a good trade. Louis Black is fine. And he's a good man.

I'm rooting for him. Oh, Michael Douglas is out of the woods? It's very strange. Yeah, yeah, that was today's news. It's very strange. The new Celebrity Rehab coming back, I'll clean it over to talk to the new flunkies. Whoa, you know you're fucked when Tom Sizemore is giving you advice on how to turn your life around. Did you watch the Celebrity Rehab? I know you've tweeted about Dr. Drew.

Oh, I've done it, yeah, for years. That's my favorite hate. Yeah, I hate myself for watching it every week and screaming at the screen, and I pause it, and I yell at Bingo about it. Have you been watching this year with the chick that fucked Tiger Woods? She's my favorite. Yeah, yeah, this year is just such a fucking strange woman.

They're not even celebrities like that. It's not even close. It's like people's moms and shit. It's like some singer's mom and some dude who's a rich... His dad's rich, so he's on. His dad's not even fucking famous. Scott Bakula's niece. It's fucking fascinating.

And then the girl who fucked Tiger Woods Who was just addicted to love Yeah, that's It's awful It's fucking fantastic I don't want to interrupt I'm glad you have Mr. Walsh on He deserves it

Are you in LA again? Are you back yet? No, no, I get in tomorrow night I left you a message Okay On the podcast too Alright, brother We'll talk soon I I left you a message. Okay. On the podcast, too. All right, brother.

We'll talk soon. I'll see you this week, man, for sure. All right, I'll see you tomorrow. All right, brother. Later. Talk to you later. Ladies and gentlemen, that was powerful, Doug Stanhope, live via speakerphone. This is the first time I've ever attempted this on the podcast.

We've never done a speakerphone to microphone, cell phone, impromptu conversation. That was pretty good. I mean, we were talking about him earlier. It's Doug Stanhope. How could you ever get anything better than that? He's always going to nail it. Yeah, he's always good. He's consistent.

Except one time when I called in to a Seattle station instead of him. He was out of the country. Oh, yeah, you were doing that for a while. I only did it once or twice maybe well yeah we had heard about that that you had done some interviews for pretending to be him yeah because he was i forget oh he was out i think him and like andrist and shawcroft he was like going to be out in the woods or something and there was no reception oh yeah that thing they used to do that not it wasn't the desert party It was some other thing I forget what the fuck But either way, Hennigan, his manager called

Oh, do you want to do a Do you want to do a phone-in for Doug? His manager's Irish? He's Scottish You never met Brian? I must have Did you ever see the video I put up of Doug Where he couldn't make it to an interview at a car show?

So I put up some local comic in San Francisco. Oh, that was in San Francisco. Yeah. And he played the role of Doug. He had sunglasses on and a hat. And it was so funny because the guy was just saying the most ridiculous things. Doug is such a fun guy to know because he's really doing everything that he's supposed to be doing. You know, like, guy gets a vasectomy.

He lives in a fucking crazy yellow house in the middle of nowhere. He goes on the road. He doesn't go to the comedy clubs instead. He books things on his own. Very rarely go into comedy clubs. Books things on his own at rock clubs. Develops his own following on the internet. Becomes totally self-sufficient.

He's really doing it. He's doing it the perfect way. I mean, that's really Doug. You know? There's no affectation. He's really doing it. He's doing it the perfect way. That's really Doug. There's no affectation. He knows who he is. He's a genuine dude. So fun. Have you been to his place?

No. You want to go for the Super Bowl? He's having a party. I can't get to work Super Bowl weekend. It's UFC weekend. Oh, that's right. Yeah, we bet on that too. Maybe I could fly in on Sunday.

Maybe I could fly from the UFC to you guys. That might actually be fun. That would be fun. How far away is it from an airport? Tucson Airport, I think, is an hour, hour and a half. Tucson's a crazy-ass place, huh? That's where that kid came from. Oh, that's right.

That's a wild west, baby. There's a hotel there called the Hotel Congress in Tucson and they have a... Very serious. Doug and I perform there. They have a... It's a cool performance space but it's like this

old-timey hotel like Dillinger or somebody got captured there or something or slipped... I don't know. I've never done a show in Tucson.

Have you? Just at that place. I've performed there twice with Doug. Oh, so he does shows in Tucson. That's cool. Mm-hmm. Wow.

Does living in Arizona, does he have more of an Arizona following now? Does he have a lot of people that like... It's a weird little town he lives in. No. He doesn't perform in his town, right? He's done a show, I think. Really?

Yeah, like one or two. He was talking about... Oh, yeah, him and Rick Shapiro. Well, I mean, fuck. We just had him on the phone. He gets all these stories better than me. I think he was saying once about how it would be kind of weird

if they all saw it as like an abortion joke and then he has to run into them at the supermarket. He has these, there's some of his neighbors, neighbor Dave and Evelyn are just like two regular Evelyn works at the safeway dave works for frito-lay they're just like super nice people but they're like regular as regular as can

be right and uh and they're like yeah doug's best friends but they it's like i don't think they've seen too much of what he's like they know that he's like a comedian and i think he said he showed dave some stuff and he's like oh yeah that's you said he showed Dave some stuff. He was like, oh, yeah. Does he call him Neighbor Dave? Neighbor Dave, yeah. He referenced it if you read Doug's... I think Neighbor Dave was just in the hospital for something. And Doug was doing one of those things where he's getting people to send him weird stuff.

Doug does not get enough credit. He just doesn't. For just these genuine human beings. He's pretty respected across the board. Yeah, no, I agree with that. That's not what I mean. I mean, he should be... He should be...

Stadiums. Enormous. He should be like one of the biggest guys ever. I agree. Yeah. There's like... I don't know what it is. It's like for me,

if you wanted to construct a comedian that I could go to see as a lifelong stand-up comedian, Doug Stanhope's the perfect guy. I know I'm going to hear some crazy take on something that I either agree with or I can see his point. He takes me to a place I didn't see coming. It's hilarious. It's all well thought out.

It's all constantly evolving. It's all always interesting. It's always real. It's like, God damn, that is stand-up fucking comedy. Like, that's the real shit right there. Yeah. There's not many people like him, like seeing a Doug Stanhope show

that I could think of. There's so many, there's a few comics, man, where I'm always like, how come the whole world doesn't know about Nick DiPaolo? Have you ever seen Nick DiPaolo kill? I've never seen,

I've never seen Nick live outside of like Montreal dude let me tell you something when I was coming up when I was in like 1988

when I was doing open mic nights Nick DiPaolo was like a couple years ahead of me and he was just a fucking killer even then

like he always had like sick timing and great writing and I went to see him shit it was a couple years ago he was doing one of the late night shows what are you doing there Brandon Walsh I was gonna lean him shit it was a couple of years ago he was doing one of the late night shows

what are you doing there Brendan Walsh I was going to lean back but I was trying to get that to stick up okay I'll take this he's panicking

anyway I hadn't seen him in fucking forever and I almost forgot how funny he was he just destroyed destroyed and everything's got

that fucking Boston thing going on you know everything's got that fucking Boston accent yeah that. You know, everything's got that fucking Boston accent. Yeah. There's that hardness. Hardness.

He's talking about people in Katrina not getting rescued. He goes, maybe they know where to find you if you could fucking spell. He goes, what does it say on the roof? Hep. Hep? You want some hep? Dip your mouth in that water. I'm totally paraphrasing.

And Nick, if you hear this, I apologize for butchering your joke i'm sure i did but i was just like this motherfucker's so funny he's just like so that that hard boston style funny too just yeah yeah a lot of good guys came out of that yeah i'm hoping that with the the new media with you know the internets and and podcasts and shit like that i'm hoping that there's going to be some people that get reintroduced to a whole new group of humans

but there's a lot of people like that like you know like there's a lot of comics that for whatever reason they just you know people lost touch with them

they disconnected with them because they didn't get on you know Twitter and they haven't done anything on Comedy Central in a long time and people just sort of forget still go to video stores.

Some guys just fall between the cracks somehow. Some dudes get tired of it too. You know, some dudes just get tired of performing, get tired of writing and then they fade off.

That's a possibility too. Yeah, and a lot goes, I mean, you know, if you get a reputation as being a fucking pain in the ass

or a coke head or something like, yeah, then nobody's gonna, you know, they're like, ah, it's easier to give this guy a show who doesn't drink and shows up on time.

Who cares if he humps a stool for a fucking hour? I'm not talking about anybody in particular. I'm just saying that like... I know what you mean. There's some really, I mean like Rouse, Sean Rouse, one of the funniest dudes on the planet. Like, what are you going to do with him though?

You know, like nobody wants to babysit him on the road right yeah he's he's trying to he's totally cleaned his shit up yeah i mean i'm sorry yeah that sounds awful he's just got you know so many health problems too that's the real problem i mean but he would get pretty like you know a lot of clubs that that he would work at that i'd be afterwards you're like oh did you hear about what Ross did when he was here? He could be a handful when he's drinking, I guess.

There's always a dude, there's always a Pablo Francisco story. There's always somebody went crazy. I don't know him at all. Pablo's the best. I will say nothing.

Everybody has an insane story about him. He's great. Anybody who's met him for two seconds they have a fucking... He's got such a good energy, that guy

he's always got this friendly happy energy you know I like it remember the other day when we were at the improv were you there where he

I was talking to him before a show or something he was outside he's like so you do a lot of videos oh yeah I told you he will not have a real conversation

with you remember I said have a conversation with Pablo and you won't we won't even know if you're really talking right yeah it was like talking to him. Right, yeah.

It was like talking to Robocop. Here we are, fun of the improv, Tuesday night. That's the way he talks? Well, he'll just sometimes go into character and just start fucking around. Oh, he's just, yeah. Just having fun. It's really funny. There's certain, you know, it's so funny, man.

Certain comics just have good energy. You can just be around them. There's other guys, even if they're funny, even if they if they're funny just like let me just keep the fuck away from you until you go on stage then i'll watch in the back and then i'll get the fuck away from you when you get off stage i envy those guys with the positive like where everybody in the room's 20 happier that like that dude showed up because i i could be moody and it's like well you know what i mean like it's like oh why aren't i always just like hey let's have fun and laugh all the time but sometimes i'm like if you could do it all over again you would if you were an old man on your deathbed and someone said to you listen i can make you 20 again

you could be living the party all over you'd be a pro comedian a stand-up comic out there running around telling jokes having a good fucking time making people laugh you do it right now what do you think you would be ecstatic yeah rip for or you'd be like fuck man i'm ready to go meet god yeah yeah into the next dimension you're gonna make me live this stupid material life over again get inside a malkovich so you can see it two ways but i think if you did want to go back i mean you would really appreciate the fuck out of this yeah well i think about that all the time that there is going to be a last fucking day and like you know it's like well you're not really fucking going too nuts it's it's you know what we're in a weird time because right now life you know the expectancy

is getting longer and longer because of supplements and exercise and taking care of your body and you know medical treatments and making sure that people are you know you get checkups on a regular basis so they catch anything that's fucked up. Yeah. You know, and when people start to live longer and longer and longer like that and then they start inventing new things when they start getting into, like, gene technology and getting into, you know, myostatin inhibitors for your body and, you know, different forms of, you know, nanobots that eradicate cancer.

There's going to be some crazy shit in our lifetimes that could easily extend you know the average lifespan to like you know maybe even like 150 years the average wealthy guy

could you imagine trying to talk to some 20 year old bitch when you're 150 imagine if you're 150 and you still look like you were 30 like you're 150 years old

but for whatever reason like they keep your body like Stallone style fully prepared and then you're like 150 and you're trying to talk to some chick. She's like 20. I've noticed lately that...

I was 130 when you were born. Could you imagine that conversation? She's a 150-year-old dude. You know the best one. I mean, I can't even hang out with 24-year-old chicks. Really? The worst is when friends have girlfriends. I have some friends that are in their late 30s,

and they'll have a girlfriend that's in their young 20s. Like 19 or something. And then all of a sudden, you're all hanging out together. And the conversation takes these left turns into walls and just spins out. It's like, why are you letting her hold the steering wheel, man? This is great. We were having a great conversation,

and all of a sudden, bang, we're into the rocks. Yeah, just because you're fucking plowing her. I don't come into the bedroom and try to fucking hang out you're i don't know i'm trying to think we're good enough but it's like the only reason she's here is because you like fucking you know bouncing around your fucking cock well it's i i understand you know giving it a try you know let's see what happens when you're like gonna be with some of them are cool as long as they're not obnoxious you know what's cool about dating a girl that's really young is like when when you date like a 22 year old they haven't seen a lot of the movies that you know are guaranteed awesome so if you want to have a good night like hey this is you

know have some wine have some steaks and then we're gonna watch uh you know name movie here you know like just like et or something you know she would be like having a great night so it's so cool quebec because i i love that where she. You're robbing the cradle, bitch. You're trying to come up with reasons why that's good. There was a girl who didn't know who Gene Hackman was recently. Whoa. Really? And I was like, yeah, I mean, I guess.

Yeah, she didn't know who Gene Hackman was, but I guess it's understandable because it's like, oh, yeah, you were born in, like, 1990. My friend that I brought last night didn't know who Dan Aykroyd was last night and I was trying to show her pictures of Dan Aykroyd and I'm like, you've seen Ghostbusters, right? And she's like, no. What's Ghostbusters? It's such a weird thing for guys. If a guy's a single guy and he's looking for a chick.

And if a guy's like in his late 30s say, right? And you're looking for a chick. You can go one or two ways. You can either go really young where you gotta kind of almost babysit him or you gotta kind of like reteach them life and you know,

hang, I mean, how many times Well, wait for them to break up with you in five years. Or yeah, that could be it.

Or, you know, or you can go your age. Right. And when you go your age, what a fucking risk that is. Yeah. You know what's cool

about the young girl too is a single 36 year old chick, there's some bitterness involved in that package. Most of the time, someone's angry at somebody and someone left somewhere and someone promised me something and there was some money that was supposed to come yeah and we were gonna buy a house together my car's still under his name and there's always yeah desperate they want to get their claws in

someone because they know like this you know i'm sure he's right around the corner and they've been hurt before so they're they're defensive you know yeah i mean, some of them pull together, and they take yoga classes, and they get their shit together, and they go to CrossFit, and all of a sudden they're reading books and thinking healthy. There's 36-year-olds that are happy to be single. I'm not saying they're all gross or anything. It's not all of them. I mean, what we're doing is, you know,

I'm not saying if it's you out there and you fit this profile, don't get upset. Well, I think that it is. I really sympathize with women like they do have a lot of fucking a lot more problems

than we do and they can get pregnant it's unfortunate well yeah they can get pregnant and you're stuck with some like some guy who just banged you one night

then you have a and you're connected to him forever and then you need him financially because you can't work I don't even want to talk about it because it makes me sad it is very sad it just bums me out. It is very sad.

It just bums me out that like, oh, fuck, that shit just happened. It's ridiculous that it still works that way. It should be so clear whether or not we have babies or not. It should be as my kids scream. Yeah. Quiet, please. Anyway, it should be so clear.

It shouldn't be just some random load sneaks through and impregnates you it should be like so super duper clear yeah it should be like it should be difficult we should make it

more difficult to have babies it's easy to put plan B in a person's breakfast though if they're gonna ew you're killing them you've disrupted the cycle

if you kill even if it's two cells cook a breakfast yeah it's still life but to finish that thought if it's two cells cook a breakfast yeah you know life but to finish that thought though it's like i can understand girls wanting like getting desperate around like mid-30s because it sucks and it sounds shitty to say but they're just they fall off the sexual radar and like dudes fucking just don't for whatever reason like they just can keep you

know they can leave their 55-year-old wife for a 32-year-old chick and... As long as the man's successful and he represents a position of power where the woman feels attracted to him because he can provide. Yeah. It's almost always that.

55-year-old broke dudes aren't worth shit. But a 55-year-old guy with a Ferrari can get some 20-year-old pussy. It just always is. Or even just a decent job, you know? Like a guy who makes $150,000 a year or something, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's possible if he's a good job, you know, like a guy who makes $150,000 a year or something, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's possible if he's a good guy, you know, find a solid chick that's in her 30s. It usually doesn't work the other way around.

But the wife is kind of screwed. It's all nature, man. You know, there was a video that was online that I was talking about, and it was on Twitter, and I put it up there, and it's really horrendous to watch. It's really hard to watch. It's this guy getting conned by these Nigerian scammers. He got conned out of $300,000. He's not a rich guy.

It was his pension, everything he ever saved his entire life, and he got conned into thinking that this porn star, they put pictures of this porn star, send him all these emails and photos of her, but this was her that he was communicating with her, and then she needed money. At one point in time, he was giving her $1,600 a day. He was going to these

Nigerian scammers. He flew to London 14 times on 14 separate occasions to meet her but never got in contact with her. He would literally fly all the way to London and go, where is she? What the fuck? Fly back to America. 14 times

he kept doing it. He was so convinced that this girl was real. Somehow or another, they had him fuck, what the fuck, fly back to America. 14 times he did that? 14 times he kept doing it. He kept doing it. He was so convinced that this girl was real. Like, somehow or another, they had him so convinced. Yeah. And they had, like,

the email logs, you know, the show and how they went back and forth, and they just scammed this motherfucker. I mean, at what point is, I don't know.

Well, what I was saying on Twitter, I was like, this is just like a limping wildebeest getting eaten alive by hyenas. Yeah. That's what it is.

This is some weak-minded crazy person who's gotten old and gotten a bit soft, a little senile. I mean, it happens. Old people lose their grip on reality. This guy was deep in his 60s, it looked like.

And then all of a sudden, they just locked a hole to his brain and rekindled that spark of romance. Just the thought that maybe it could be real. And that this 23-year-old fucking super hot porn star really was in love with this old dope because he was sending her $1,600 a day. I mean, this guy was like... It happens. It happens.

You never know, man. I'd like to do that. I'll take some $1,600 a day. Well, I don't know. You know what you got to do? You got to go to Thailand. That's what you got to do. day. Well, I don't know. You know what you gotta do? You gotta go to Thailand. That's what you gotta do. That's what I understand.

Yeah. If you wanna find a girl in the Philippines, find a girl who appreciates a man of culture. Go to Liberia. Chicks are hot there. That vice guy to Liberia,

get one of those hookers. One of the one dollar hookers. What the hell? Like a dollar? Yeah. Isn't it like something crazy like that? It's crazy.

Yeah, that place is fucked up. Liberia is the scariest place on earth. Once force fields are invented, then I'll go there. Yeah, they need to put that thing under that Stephen King dome. Yeah, yeah. The dome that covers the whole city. Just drop that motherfucker right down on top of that and keep everybody inside.

The Simpsons movie. The Simpsons movie, yes. Let them poop on the beach. Yeah, you need to lock everybody in there. That's what the fuck is going on there. It's a former slave colony. For people that don't know about Liberia, there's a documentary called...

There's a website called VBS.TV. They produce the Vice Guide to Travel. If there's insane videos... The website's a little difficult to sift through. It's kind of hard to navigate. It's kind of Netflix streaming.

Netflix streaming. Netflix streaming. Watch the Liberia one. It's fucking fantastic, man. You don't realize how insane life is over there. Yeah. On a daily basis,

they're dealing with something that's out of the most insane apocalyptic movie of all time. If you were living in the camps... District 9. Yeah, if you were living the way these people were living, you literally... I you mean you might as well be living around wild dogs

you might as well be what'd you do i don't know my microphone just went crazy some of these people are they're you know they're there's wildness to them you know there's some scary shit going down a lot of cannibalism a lot of mutililations. There's a lot of war going on. There's this one dude that would call himself General Buck Naked. Yeah, yeah. That was crazy. I watched the thing, yeah. Fuck, man.

And he's going to... You watch that and you know as soon as the UN leaves, that guy's going to take off that preacher uniform and he's going to be a warlord again. You think so? I think so. I mean, he was drinking innocent blood from babies before the war.

He's not together still. Yeah, they would sneak across to enemy lines and kill a kid. Yeah. Bring him back, kill him, and eat parts of their heart.

Yeah, yeah. Like, what the fuck, man? Could you imagine that scene? No, I can't. Could you imagine if you saw that video online? Would you click that link? That is the ultimate question.

No, no. If there was a video of them killing a child. I fucking, I learned my lesson very early on. There must be a video of them killing i don't i fucking i learned my lesson there must be a video of it out there though i don't want to see it either but there must if these guys have really done it it's amazing that this guy is just running around you know preaching yeah you know it's really kind of incredible well i mean he knows he's like he knows

how to survive he's a fucking uh what's the word i'm looking for? A sociopath? Well, he's a sociopath, but no more than any politician, no more than Dick Cheney. It's just so unfortunate, man, and you've got to think this whole situation is so fucked it's going to take hundreds of years to clean up

because life is so chaotic for these poor people. And they grow up in this environment and they're programmed like that and they're programmed to deal with war and there's 11 and 12-year- old kids with guns and machine guns they really are like wild animals they're crazy you know they're living they're not they weren't worried about death because everybody dies around them all the time yeah it's it's a really really spooky spooky

environment and i don't think people realize it's even going on yeah you know i don't think i didn't know america yeah i didn't know I didn't know we're so soft here soft is puppy shit yeah I'll be shit in a hot summer day man when the real shit hits the fan that's one of the reasons why I moved to Colorado for a while I was convinced I'm gonna apocalyptic period where I was convinced that LA was just gonna fall apart still is well yeah I mean there's a musical chairs right yeah yeah the music just look at fucking sunset the other day there was a bar fight that turned into a full-on riot and they closed down sunset oh yeah you tell me about that you were there what

happened well i was at the down the street at the comedy store but things there's a guy on twitter called weho daily or something like that he just pretty much sits there with the police scanner and just talks about weho west ho is West Hollywood. West Hollywood. Anyways, we were sitting at the comedy store, and suddenly hundreds of just cop cars going by super fast and just helicopters and everything. We're like, what the fuck is going on? Jesus. So I started looking at Twitter and instant information of Twitter,

which is brilliant. So yeah, it started as a bar fight, and then somebody started throwing things at a sheriff, a sheriff, like, bottles and stuff. And then it became, like, some kind of weird small riot where they just shut down all, like, this big group of bars and went with, like, you know, canisters of tear gas. And it just turned into a huge riot. Where was it? What was the intersection? Which bar?

It was by the Roxy, you know, like the Rainbow and all that hard rock section. It was right by there. And it's just like people have videos on the internet of like what was going on and just getting shot at. And my friend Katie, he came back with a canister, one of the smoke guns that was shot in like his direction or something like that. So like where the Rainbow is? Yeah.

Oh, my God. And it was crazy. guns that was shot in like his direction or so like where the rainbow is yeah they just and it was crazy there's some weird videos of uh of it people filming on their iphones and stuff dude why you know how come alcohol and and men alcohol and men mix so badly but no one ever i mean no one ever tries seriously to shut alcohol down from bars no but what a what a terrible conversation alcohol and men trying to get pussy it's like the worst combination ever it's amazing seriously to shut alcohol down from bars. But what a terrible combination. Alcohol and men trying to get pussy. It's like the worst combination ever. It's amazing

that fights don't happen every single night constantly when you're at a bar. It's amazing that you can get through a lot of bars without ever fighting. That's why you just need a bottle of Jägermeister. I avoid any place where if there's any kind of meathead contingency, that's not a bar I can go to.

Because I got a fucking... Tricky. Meatheads can be tricky. A lot of them don't mean any harm, but they're used to this fucking way of behaving and dick slapping each other and pissing on each other's legs and doing stupid shit, you know, that they think is funny. Well, people pick me out too. Like I have a punchable face or something. Like, I mean, I've've gotten it's just you know since the beard i haven't had any assholes nobody they can get away with it that's all it is a lot of it you know when it comes to those situations it's just you unfortunately ran into an asshole that's

looking to pick on somebody yeah yeah out his aggression and there's yeah i can i you know give off whatever vibes of like this guy's super non-confrontational or something like you know so i don't even want to be in a position because like yeah like and the guys are like you like i mean you're in good you're big dude like it wouldn't we're both grown men like it wouldn't be like like i feel like if a guy like you beat the shit out of me it should be viewed as like the guy was kicking a puppy down the fucking stairs like it's not a fair like i'm not a full man like that like you know what i mean i don't have fucking forearms like i'm not a man you know i mean right well it'd be like it'd be well i can't fight i like you know i'm not yeah i can probably do 10 push-ups or something wow that's more than me any any guy that chooses to look for a guy to beat up like that is a piece of shit.

He's missing the whole point of doing martial arts in the first place. The whole point of exercising is to be free of all the unnecessary instincts of the body. The pent-up rage that makes you want to yell in your car and gives people road rage and makes people say insane shit on the internet. All that's just pent-up shit. The idea of martial arts and exercise is supposed to be that you get all that stuff out so you can be a much more relaxed person. Well, the guy doesn't have to know karate to beat me up. I mean, any kind of dude with big douchebag, big asshole.

I mean, I've been in fights growing up. So it's the worst things ever, man. There's no need. We can disagree on things. I'll go over here. You go over there. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. I don't need to win this. I just don't even get worked up about shit. Like'm so easy to like it's like all right you're right i'm wrong i'm a faggot like what do you i don't i'm not necessarily i'm not being a douche to you don't be a douche to me let's just skate through i mean i can get mouthy though like you know some some dudes can man it's i've been with with friends that got drunk and then they say stupid

shit to people i'm like hey hey hey hey hey you're starting something that i'm a part of now and this might be the wings of the butterfly yeah fucking start the hurricane yeah now settle the fuck down alcohol boy yeah i don't do that very but it's like yeah if somebody is fucking with me i can i know how to push buttons too so yeah that's because the problem if they can't push buttons back then they get frustrated because that's because they can't match wits with you fucking faggot they say something

stupid to you you have the perfect comeback with the perfect timing you're a professional comedian it's not fair at all and then they just

want to yeah I'll fucking kick your ass what's funny now funny man yeah yeah oh god what have you become

what have you become and what have you done so we're gonna have to get you into some neuro-linguistic programming to try to Oh, God. What have you become? What have you become and what have you done? So we're going to have to get you into some neuro-linguistic programming to try to refocus your brain and get rid of this Catholic school guilt bullshit, man. Yeah, well, yeah. We're going to put it together. Have you ever looked into something like that? I don't really.

John Heffron's a big fan of that. What's it called? Neuro-linguistic programming. I don't know. John Heffron's into all sorts of freaky sorts of Freaky like Enhanced to your mind Type shit Like he has like Anchors

He comes up with These things Like he'll hold His hand in a certain way And when he's Killing on stage He'll hold his hand A certain way

And like remember That moment So he Then when he goes On stage again He remembers He holds his hand In a second way

And he puts himself Right back into the place When he was absolutely Destroying on stage Like he has like An anchor To that experience so he can put himself

in the same state. You know, you get a state when you're killing, when you're on stage and you just, boom, you just hit the groove. You know that feeling

where you just, the pauses are perfect, you're super relaxed and you're just in the material. You know, and he tries to anchor that state in his mind

and his consciousness and his memory. And he does like something with his hands. And then, uh, once he, uh,

has it, you know, has it down, then in his next show, like right when he's about to go up, he'll do that same thing with his hand and literally recreate the state or, you know,

that's the theory. Yeah. But I think that, well, yeah, I don't know. It sounds, I mean,

whatever works for whoever, but I mean, every situation is different though. Like whatever you were doing to make that night the perfect night of comedy this is a whole different set of people totally it's a different night different shit happened today absolutely there's definitely that that's definitely true but um i also think that when i achieve what's attractive to me about it and i haven't tried it yet but is that you know it, but is that sometimes it's real difficult to figure out where to put your brain

when you're about to go on stage. When you're about to go on stage, first of all, I go over my material. I want to make sure I've got this new thing I've got to do. I've got to get this out of the way. I've got to do this. I should try that. Should I move this in here? What should I do there?

But then it's like, what do I do? Am I happy here? Am I excited? Do I just wait until I get on stage until I figure out what the fuck, how, what do I do? Am I happy here? Am I excited? Do I just wait until I get on stage until I figure out what the fuck I am? You know,

what do I do? Well, at least what he's doing is trying to anchor himself to some really positive state of mind and then go out and then the ball falls

where it may and, you know, he might have to deal with hecklers or it might be a different kind of show but at least

his state of mind is the optimum state of mind. So instead of like recreating the exact perfect state it's more like you know he just figures out the right way to be himself when he gets up there if that makes any sense yeah it's yeah it's tough i am like i said i am kind of moody and it's just a bummer when i have to do a show and it's like i fucking like this is the last

thing i feel capable of doing not that i never like i never piss and moan about having to do a show and it's like, I fucking, like this is the last thing I feel capable of doing. Not that I never, like I never piss and moan about having to do a fucking show. But sometimes it's like, yeah, I'm just not.

Yeah. I'm not that, I'm not the fucking life of the party guy tonight. You know? When you go on stage and you get a few laughs, doesn't it start to,

start to kick back in? Sometimes, I mean, it's always fun and it's, you know, but no, sometimes the whole time on stage, I'm just kind of like, yeah, I'm just not, this is, you know, I mean, we're humans. Like, it's like, yeah, it's just not that much fun tonight. I'm not feeling like, you know, I just, I'm not feeling it.

Is it you or is it the crowd? Or is it a combination? It's a combination. It's a combination. Like, I can be in one of those like depressed just fucking i don't want to do this sunday night show and i get on stage and there's like that you know the crowd's like no we're good we're here to fucking right this is we're not just going to be a bunch of fucking shit we're here we all want it to be here this isn't an office party

or right whatever and and then you're like, oh, yeah, then it fucking, yeah, that changes everything. Because it's a total give and take. I mean, because like if I'm in a great fucking mood and the crowd's just like, we're not, we don't really give, we wandered in here somehow. Right, which can happen. Yeah, it does happen a lot. So it's like, oh, well,

this isn't a mutually beneficial thing then. Do you have crowds now where they're coming out specifically to see you and you know the difference not really not crowds there are people groups in the crowd yeah a handful of people who know me from doug i opened for doug for a few years um spy kids 2 spy kids 2 um it just kind of being i mean i haven't been doing it super long um how long have you been Spy Kids 2. Spy Kids 2. I haven't been doing it super long. How long have you been doing it?

About eight years. Started in 2002. Isn't it crazy if you were in school, you'd have a fucking PhD? But with comedy, you're like, you need to put in some years, kid. Yeah, no, I'm still figuring it out. I was like 29, 30 when I started. And it's like, fuck, why didn't I get... Like, I was just having too much fun goofing off. I was like, I don't know.

I didn't... I wish I started when I was like 22 or something. Yeah, but you know what? You did. That's the most important thing is that you did. Forget about all that other bullshit. Oh, yeah. I was goofing off the whole time, but I wasn't...

I think the good thing is you don't have this body of work from the past that sucks back when you were stupid. Like on YouTube pages? Yeah, man.

I got some comedy out there. There's some video of me from when I was 25 at Rascals Comedy Club in New Jersey. It's terrible. I have a luscious head of hair, though.

I'm so jealous of my hair. Before my hair started really falling out. It was just starting to fall out back then. And there was, like, the material was silly. I was was all skinny i didn't lift weights back then or anything and i was like looking i was like god this is awful comedy and it's attached to me forever you know yeah i guess like i mean the stuff i even though i was 29 or 30 when i started i mean yeah there's some pretty there's not great shit I was doing.

It was a lot of shit, actually. A lot of diarrhea jokes. Better than me when I was 21. But yeah, no, there's nothing that's like completely appalling. I've got a, when I was 21, man, there's a couple times that I recorded myself and I recorded the second time I was ever on stage.

I have it back there somewhere on a cassette. Wow. And it's... Oh, on a cassette, on just audio. It's tremendously bad it's so horrible you gotta bust that out painful to listen to my accent makes me want to kick myself in the balls it's just it's so was it just a thick boston accent a little bit yeah boston accent just i didn't have anything to say i mean what the fuck do you have to say when you're

21 oh you're just like look at me and then people like why do you want me to look at you and then you go okay hold on i have to figure that out. I'll bring it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get way ahead of yourself. You go and look at me first before you have anything to say. When you're 21, I mean, right now you're 36 years old. 37.

You go to a comedy club and some 21-year-old goes on stage. I mean, come on, really? How much have you got to say? Well, usually it's, I mean, and I try not to prejudge people, although I can tell on site whether or not somebody's fucking funny or not you can just tell like every now and then you're surprised you're like oh i thought that guy was really gonna suck just judging by the way he looks and you can tell like um but no i try to keep an open mind and yeah a lot of times it's like you heard that but like it's just people just don't like a lot of these younger

guys just don't have a knowledge of like it's like you're not the first guy to ever fucking split the atom on this like right you know you don't think uh i can't think of a good example to have a knowledge of stand-up you sort of have to have like a body of stand-up that you've listened to before you just jump into it yeah get familiar with some stuff even like you know i mean i listen to a ton of i have a bunch of old comedy albums that i i like listening to them on vinyl and i've had them since i was a kid i mean i collect them still you know i buy them it's a cheap hobby to have you can get comedy lps for like three bucks a piece yeah uh but even just like yeah i can't think of well yeah you should know like older shit because it's like you're not the first guy a lot of this stuff that you think

is brilliant it's like well fucking sam kinnison had a whole thing about it or yeah uh or there's five guys working the road right now doing a thing about the starbucks coffee cup sizes being called different names than uh yeah small medium and large like yeah come on man yeah but it's all i guess you just figure it out well i can understand someone just doing their own version of it until they sort of get their feet out from under them or get their feet under them you know when they're just you know when you're doing open mic nights and shit i get all. But once you actually start doing gigs and actually start, you know, going places,

then you should probably know what other people are doing. You know? Yeah. I, yeah. I mean, sometimes you can't be doing a Lenny Bruce joke and not knowing. Oh no.

Cause there was a, there was a dude that I used to know back in Boston. He's a great writer. He's a really funny guy. He didn't, he didn't steal it. He wrote it on his own, but it was a Lenny Bruce line.

I'm like, man, you've got to know about that one. It was about gay people and gay being illegal. Dig this, man. Being gay is illegal. So what do they do? They take you and they put you in prison with a bunch of men who want to have sex with you. Yeah, yeah. And that was Lenny Bruce in the 1950s or something like that.

This dude reinvented it in 1990. You didn't didn't know you just did well that's gonna happen yeah and i mean people are gonna tell you although sometimes like there have been a couple there's one thing in particular that i was kind of confused as to why nobody told me i was doing a bit like i had again when i started it was a lot of fucking diarrhea jokes and stuff and i had a i had a joke about tgi fry like just it was basically a diarrhea chunk but it started with tgi fire because i got wicked like bad diarrhea from tgi fridays one time and yeah just that was like the got me into my diarrhea thing and then i was in philly working at the club there and

i didn't have enough time to eat either there's a right aid across the street i bought hot pockets from the right aid and heat them up in the microwave ate them and like the worst fucking diarrhea again so i just changed it in my bit like it's like well i'll update my diarrhea chunk to the last thing it gave me diarrhea which is hot pockets and uh but jim gaffigan has like this huge hot pockets chunk and i didn't you didn't know i saw it on tv one day like i saw his you know i turned on tv comedy central zone i was like i'll watch some of this guy and he goes into this like 15 minute hot pockets chunk I'm like, how did nobody ever tell me that this guy, like, I mean, it's not like we're doing this, but he talks about how they give you diarrhea. And I don't know.

It's just weird. I think your paths don't cross. Your fans and his fans and your people and his people. It seems like that's a pretty famous kind of bit of his, though. I think it is pretty famous. Even though I didn't. I don't know the bit, though. But I know he does a bit.

This is how famous it is. I don't know the bit, but I know he has he does a bit. This is how famous it is. I don't know the bit, but I know he has a bit on Hot Pockets. So it's that famous. It's like his signature, like, put him on the, you know, put him up into that. He's an interesting case, you know. He's an interesting guy, you know. It's like super squeaky clean and really nice and, you know, but super successful. It's a character thing, too, which I've been talking to other comedian friends who are, like, kind of, you know, on my peers, you know, but super successful. It's a character thing too, which I've been talking to other comedian friends

who are like kind of, you know, on my peers, you know, where, you know, I still feel like I'm struggling with like really fucking dialing in, like finding my voice, getting into that like zone of like, you know, like Doug or like just really knowing who you are. Like, I don't feel like I have any strong opinions on knowing who you are and what like i don't feel like i have any strong opinions on anything sometimes and i'm like really yeah i'm kind of

like a you know don't yeah it's like it's like well i don't want to ruffle any feathers you know it's like well then that's gonna be oh you're gonna be a great comedian someday yeah just get on stage what are you guys there i just want to make sure everybody's cool with everything I say. I'm just going to throw this out there. That's kind of funny. But I think that the character, like Gaffigan has that. And even I was watching some of, I saw part of Louis C.K.'s hilarious thing they showed on Comedy Central the other night. And I fell asleep halfway through, not because it was boring. I was just exhausted.

Whoa, don't even say that, man. You shouldn't even say that. Oh, well, I. Don't say you fell asleep halfway through, not because it was boring. I was just exhausted. Whoa, don't even say that, man. You shouldn't even say that. Oh, well, I... Don't say you fell asleep halfway through, bro. Well, it's great. No, totally. I mean, it's... At least you gave it a chance.

Well, yeah, I didn't sleep the night before. And just as soon as I laid on a couch... I fell asleep in the middle of K1 Dynamite like a bitch. Fell asleep in the middle of fucking cage fighting. I'm watching cage fighting. I was like... dynamite like a bitch fell asleep in the middle of fucking cage fighting i'm watching trying to kill each other with their bare hands and feet and knees you're like you know i'm fucking asleep on the couch like a bitch well yeah that's not i mean i think louis ck is fantastic louis ck is so good that i don't hear anybody ever say anything like but louis ck is hilarious there's not like one comic that i know

that it's a dissenter that's like not that good yeah everybody's like god it's so cool to be around you know a time where there's a guy like this who's doing a new hour of crazy new shit every year but i was kind of dissecting and you know what i was seeing because i like i i've been talking to other people about how like or what i've been noticing it's like oh it's like this character like gaffigan has the guy who talks to himself like this right and like even louis ck a guy who's just kind of like writing great shit but he even has little like like he has these little kind of things that are just part of his personality and the way he talks where he's found his voice but it's like and you know he could say a sentence without writing any joke.

It's just like the way, it's like, it's just all these elements are combined to like, just make this perfect. That's what makes a great comedian. It's like, you're like this definitive personality. Like people can do impressions of you. Right, right, right. And that's, I guess, where like, I feel, i don't feel like i'm yeah i like i can make people laugh i can go on stage and keep people entertained all night but it's like well what's what's my fucking gimmick like not you know that sounds weird but even like benson

doug benson was talking about that in some interview i saw with him where like it's like oh the pot thing just kind of naturally happened and before that he was he's just a funny well-respected comedian but then once you have like some thing where that identifies you right uh which uh yeah i don't feel like you know you should have a phrase something like you can't do with it get the beard out yeah no i mean it's not it's not like you need to get her done i think it's just a thing of like you know doing it fucking because like yeah you like you were saying you'd have i could be a doctor if i went to fucking school for eight years but you would put so much more effort into being a doctor than you do into being a comedian comedians for the

most part we're pretty fucking lazy about writing and about performing and about you know like really going over material and correcting it and trying to enhance it and yeah i i record all my sets but only listen to half of them ever it's like fucking torture to listen but that's really the way to develop new material whenever i have a new bit and i i pause and i go over it and i i i listen to the recording and then i go over the way it's written, the way it's said. I always can make it better. I can always enhance it for sure. It's always beneficial. It is.

I'm the worst with it too. Like I have fucking drawers full of like pieces of paper and notebooks and it's like, I just write this shit down and then I throw the notebook in a drawer. It's like, why don't you flip through this shit a little more often and watch yourself. It's like, yeah, if you want to. Jesus Christ. Jesus. All right, Brian. What's like, yeah, if you... Jesus Christ. What is it doing? I'm not doing anything.

That's what it did earlier. Put the headphones near the... That's crazy. That was the loudest fucking thing I've ever heard. It's weird because I've been sitting here the whole time. But they're on your head. You took the headphones off? What did you do? I just took my headphones off. And you put them near the microphone, and it just went crazy.

No, no, no. You were up there when it first went off. I was still doing it back there. Oh. Well, it started over there. That's weird. That's what I'm saying. That's kind of weird.

That sucks. Well, that was boring. I'm sure everything's plugged in right. Never mind. All good? Yeah. All right. Anyway, where were you?

Oh, just saying. You were trying to find your gimmick, your thing, your voice. Not even your gimmick. I know what you're saying. Well, just kind of, yeah. You don't feel like you're 100% satisfied with the evolution of you as, you're not representative of who you can be on stage. Yeah.

You don't really know. You're just kind of up there going back and forth. Yeah. And it's, yeah, pretty. That's very honest, man. You know, there's been many times in my life where my act has, yeah, pretty whimsical. That's very honest, man. It's a, you know, there's been many times in my life where my act has, like, changed or who I felt about myself on stage

and, you know, how I performed has changed. And most of it's depending on how much focus I'm putting on it, you know? And who you're hanging out with, what you're, you know, it's just, yeah, I mean, I think... You could definitely lose a grip on it, you know? That's the thing about comedy. It's like, you can start off in a good way.

I mean, how many times have you ever seen a guy who starts out really good and this kid's got potential, and then somewhere along the line, they just skid out. They get lazy. They wrote 20 good minutes. Yeah, exactly. And then 23, and it's like, well, you're 42 now. Do you really need to be doing that same joke that was funny?

Yeah, that's brutal. That's the most painful part of it. It's hard for guys to let go of shit that they know will work and try new things that no one's ever heard before yeah chance well and even watching yourself like i submitted for a half hour special on comedy central last year and i had i recorded you know i recorded some sets obviously and i had to send them a dvd and watching just from watching those dvds i realized like i never fucking watch myself i improved fucking like five jokes just by sitting there and watching go

oh wait this is a much better tag than what i've been saying for the last eight months yeah after that fucking joke sometimes you forget tags you go and listen to you like jesus that's the perfect oh that's the best part of the fucking joke all the time, too. You're like, how did I fucking forget that little aside that made that joke fucking good for me? And that's the difference between you and I and comics and people that go for their PhDs. They put in a lot more fucking effort and time. But the thing about funny is, funny has got to also be connected to fun like it's very difficult to have a fucking complete shit life and be funny on stage like you don't feel like funny

yeah there's got to be some fun involved and the reality is when you're in college or you're working for your phd or you're you know involved in some crazy business where you have to work 16 hours a day there's not a whole lot of fun going on. There's not a whole lot of humor in any of that. And for a comic, a certain amount of you almost has to be lazy. I've never met a great comic that at least one point in time didn't struggle with extreme laziness and procrastination and self-indulgence and the need to just masturbate all day because you're just too silly.

Yeah, because you can. You can and it feels good and you get obsessed with it and you're like fuck it yeah we're all like i mean i know at least yeah i didn't like bedtime and like anything and now it's like oh now we're adults like we are kind of a bunch of fucking overgrown kids who are like i can go to bed whenever the fuck i want yeah i fall asleep in front of my jerk off five times today it's a shit return email world. I'll return those emails tomorrow. What I always do

is I get my writing done and then when I get my writing done I'm satisfied. I've got over a thousand words. I've got some real good shit there. I like what I'm saying. Add a thousand words

or whatever. Whatever I feel is enough. Then I just start surfing the internet and I start watching documentaries. So I'll be watching some fucking galactic void documentary

about what they think. Why don't you do that in your bed though? Stellar Nurseries. Why don't you do like Laptop in Bed then? That's the best. I don't sleep alone.

I don't have that light going on and annoying people. I think that's rude. When I'm in my office, that's when I write my best shit. That's my area, which is where we film this podcast. It's like this is my best shit you know that's my that's my area i mean which is where we film this podcast right you know it's like this um you know i this is my spot you know what i mean i got this spot nailed i know exactly what's going on got my refrigerator right here with my coconut

juice my computer right here i'm not going anywhere so any ideas that i have if i'm watching a documentary i want to be right here and comfortable they can come out as easy as possible right you know what i love man this? This fucking Evernote thing. Yeah. Have you ever seen that? Do you know what that is? No. It's an application for the iPhone.

I bet it's for your phone, too. You have a Droid? Is that a Droid? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure they have it for Droids. It's amazing, man. You can take websites, any idea that you have that you see on a website, like, whoa, the scientist just new discovery, you know, inside every black hole is, you know, the possibility of a new universe you know you're like yeah whoa i gotta remember that well with

this everquest thing all you have to do is like press you can get it you get the web page the web page loads up like the text version of the web page you know even with photos and everything loads up on your your evernote and you save it and you have that article anything that you have an idea you have an idea like you have to write you uh you you write this down on your little phone and you put it in never note and when you put it in ever note it syncs up and it syncs up with your home computer it syncs up with whatever else you got you got a laptop wherever you want to keep the notes for a comic it's fucking invaluable man yeah so like if you're writing a new bit and you don't have time to transfer to your phone you it doesn't matter. You just turn on your new phone

at the comedy club and go, oh, there's the bit I was just writing. I was working on a bit at Sal's the other night and right before I got up, I said, oh shit, I forgot to get that retrieve it from Evernote. So I go to Evernote, retrieve it, bam, copy and paste it, put it in my notes, went over the ideas, hit the beats of the jokes, boom, you go on stage.

It's like you can keep all your notes, all of it, online all the time. And you can access it. And if you get a new phone, like say if your fucking iPhone falls in the toilet and you're like, fuck, well, if you go to the Apple store and you get a new phone, well, your new phone will sync up and boom, all those notes will be right back where they were. It's fucking the shit, dude. For writing, it's the shit.

The beautiful thing about it is that it's not just text. It's text and pictures and anything else you can save a whole webpage you want to read a webpage

you can read the whole thing it just saves it right to your phone saves it right to your laptop and you sync up with any number

of devices that you want you got a laptop you got a home computer boom boom boom boom boom so for comics like when you find out like some crazy story

online or there's some new subject you have to talk about, boom, it's so easy to save it. Well, look it up right now. I mean, I have to change the 9-volt battery that my ghetto ass fucking... Hey, put your tongue on it.

Put your tongue on it. See if it's still hot. Remember that? We used to do that with little batteries, 9 volts? Yeah. Get that jolt. That shit sucked. What is that?

What are you doing to yourself when you do that? Is that giving you cancer? Probably. I think it's just a little electric charge. That's it? Yeah. Who the fuck tried that first? There's a comedian in Austin who's got a joke about who's the first guy to try a pineapple.

Like the guy who's a guy. Well, I don't even remember how it goes. But it's funny because it's like the most uninviting, well i don't even remember how it goes but it's funny because it's like the most uninviting like let's eat this thing and he's like oh there's a the first guy that ate the pineapple was like a hero and there's a guy like right next to him with a pine cone like fuck so close that's funny yeah he's a funny dude austin's a funny place man there's a lot of good comedy that comes out of austin it's a great scene it's yeah i mean i i stayed there for it's an easy place to live man especially when you start working the road because i just i

started working the road from there just doing shit shit midwest stuff just opening random guys before doug picked me up and i started going with him it was like you got a kind of a dark act you have guys that tell you hey you know don't do this bit or don't you know don't swear too much or don't get too creepy or no i mean currently no no like when you were middling for guys when you're going the road uh you know i don't remember like there was no real nothing sticks out with people going like if you fucking tell that we've had these conversations before about guys taking guys on the road with them and telling them like what bits to do what bit well why are you taking

the guy on the road with you yeah it's kind of kind of twisted but i did the idea of like random dudes that had sound cues and costume change closers you had to be on that you had to help i'd be featured no no but i'd be the feature act where like no thought goes into comedy booking it's like sioux falls south dakota brendan walsh and then like you know there's a guy called the midnight swinger who's a nice guy but how's this a fucking show like the guy's all like he wears like a fucking vegas style thing he's got a big johnny bravo or whatever that cartoon guy the big hairdo and right and his act is like you know he does a bunch of sound cues and shit at the end I mean he gets standing ovations everybody loves him but it's like well why am I opening for him like if anybody in the crowd likes me they're probably

not gonna like him and vice versa if people are here to see the singing and dancing guy who's like again super good dude and like Stan i never got a standing ovation in my life and he would get them six nights a week so but and they're those guys would freak out they would go why the fuck am i not on tv america loves me these crowds love me i a lot of them i don't know guys like that who have like kind of those big, you know, kind of closer things and really clubby. Yeah. They seem, a lot of them seem to be happy with like doing like little rooms in Vegas

here and there. They'll go on a cruise ship and they'll. Really? I mean, I don't know. That's, I kind of get the idea that some of them are pretty happy with like, oh, you know, I can make, you know, how else are a lot of, like it's, it's not easy to make 80 or a hundred grand a year, you know i can make you know how else like it's it's not easy to make 80 or 100 grand a year you know and if you can do that just by doing like you know kind of b rooms headlining b rooms selling like a lot of them have like some kind of t-shirt or something they sell and they'll

fucking make more than they're getting paid from the club that week off their like who farted t-shirt that they're right i know a lot. I have a lot of friends that when they go on the road, they run into trouble where people don't want a middling for them. Like Joey. Nobody wants Joey Diaz

middling for you. Or Ari. There's a lot of dudes who don't want a guy like that to middle for them. There's dudes that complain about him when he goes up

at the comedy store because he's dirty and it's raunchy and it's funny. And people think for some reason that someone gets into this mindset and you can't pull them out of it so they'll say i don't want him going on before me like really like what the fuck come on that's

crazy i don't mind anybody going on before me with the exception of like famous guy like you know like i was at the laugh factory one time and was about to go up and like carlos mencia is here he wants to go up and this isn't like a you know weird carlos mencia story he went i mean he did like you know 20 minutes it wasn't one of those things where he did three hours and i had to drive home like he you know did like 15 or 20 minutes but the crowd was pretty psyched to see him and and you know he had a good set but then i had to go up. And it was like, yeah, everybody's kind of still just getting over the fucking buzz from seeing that dude. Nobody's listening. Those are good for you, though, man.

I did a lot of those sets at the Comedy Store. And I think those sets really taught me a lot about grabbing the audience and about just going out there and getting into it and doing your shit. Because there was a bunch of times where I'd gone after Martin Lawrence. Oh, yeah. And the crowd would be you know 90 black too yeah and martin lawrence would uh get off stage do like you know he was headlining so you do like a long set and destroy yeah and then bring me up yeah and then nobody wanted to hear a fucking word i was saying right i did it with dice clay i used to have to go on after dice clay a lot i did it uh with a bunch of times with prior when richardor was really sick. Oh, wow.

I went on right after him for like five weeks in a row. That's a double whammy. Dude in a wheelchair. I've talked about this but it's a pretty crazy story. He was so sick that they used to have

to turn the mic up. Oh, shit. Like it was so hot. The mic was so hot because he couldn't talk loud and he would just be sitting in his chair. They would have to carry him

onto the stage and he would be drinking and just And he would just be sitting in his chair. They would have to carry him onto the stage. And he would be drinking. And just get fucked up. And just talking on stage. Did you understand a word he was saying? Barely. Man, I always love pussy. It's no joke.

Yeah, yeah. It's like his faculties were diminished substantially. And yet he was on stage talking. And people had this weird feeling, man. It was a feeling of sadness. It was like a feeling of, you know, here we're paying tribute to a great legend of comedy, but man, look at him now.

It's hard to watch. And so then they would bring me up, and the piano guy, Jeff, would go, all right, ladies and gentlemen, we have another very funny comedian. You might have seen him on news radio. Get up for Joe Rogan. Oh, yeah, well, you're on the TV.

You know what? No, I don't even think I was on news radio at the time. I think I'm lying. I think I was on Hardball. It was a show that was on Fox. It was a baseball show that was on Fox. And nobody gave a fuck about that show. It didn't matter who you were anyway, man.

You were going on after Richard Pryor. And they have to carry him. They have to carry him through the audience. This was the OR? Yeah. So they're walking him. It's Chewy and some other dude are carrying him through the audience. And it takes a long

time to get him through. It takes like five minutes. Like no bullshit. They have to be really slow because they're sort of half walking him, half carrying him. So the audience is a standing ovation for Mr. Pryor. And then you get on stage and you have to crack jokes while Richard Pryor is

crawling through the room yeah like literally creeping he can't even control his body how long did he do that for he did it five weeks wow he did a bunch of shows he did a bunch of shows yeah it was weird man it was weird to watch i only watched a couple of them i couldn't take it anymore it was just freaking me out man you know because i would when i was a little kid i saw live in that sunset strip like That's one of the reasons why I wanted to do comedy. That first video, my parents took me to see it in the movie theater. And I remember sitting in that theater laughing so fucking hard, thinking how incredible it was that this guy is just talking and he's so funny.

And I thought all the funny movies I'd seen, like Stripes and all these different movies that were great, but they were never as funny as this. I looked around, I looked in the theater. I was watching people like falling out of their seats, rocking back and forth, laughing. And I was just thinking, this is the most incredible thing ever. And then to go from that to...

I mean, the whole room is just crackling with this hot microphone sound. That sucks. And his glass is clinking, you know, his ice in his glass. I always loved pussy. Pussy never did no bad to me. It was like he had no jokes.

He had nothing to say. And it's all just like polite laughter. Yeah, it's ha, ha. Oh, no. He's a legend. He looks horrible. That's the worst thing we've ever done. Because he was the greatest.

In my opinion, if I had to pick one guy who was like you know the shining you know example of what's possible like so much better than anyone before him

yeah you know so influential it's Pryor I mean he's so much better than anybody before him you know and hitting the high notes and doing that style of comedy

this like sort of friendly raunchy honest insightful comedy so lovable so vulnerable like everything about him was just he was like you know at the time he was like for sure the greatest stand-up comedian ever and so to go from that to watching him just like his body just physically betraying him you know it's like so hard to do and then have to do comedy and then you gotta follow that, it's such a double whammy. Yeah, so I'd make jokes about it.

Like, okay, Richard Pryor. And then who is this unknown white douchebag? You know, who? Oh, my. What the fuck am I doing up here? Yeah. And I would say, you know, hey, that's exactly what I'm thinking, too. Let's just get through this.

I did a show for, I still do weird one-nighter things. This guy books these shows that are all about an hour away. Are they in bars? Yeah, they're in bars. Bar shows are rough. I have to do one tonight. Do you have to do one when? Tonight.

Do you really? Where are you going to be at? Newport Beach or something like that. Do you want to tell people so? Tonight. Do you really? Where are you going to be at? Newport Beach or something like that. Do you want to tell people so they can go? Oh, sure. What's the name of the place? It's called P. Doan's. We all did Sal's Comedy Hall the other night.

I love that place. It's a cool little spot. It's got a great vibe. I did, but I was doing this show like the monday or tuesday wednesday before christmas this year so it's like it's a few days before christmas that a guy's like i want 50 bucks you know i'm like yeah all right and uh we got there it was just a whole christmas the bar was just full of people that were there for a christmas party and there were like eight people up front who came for the comedy show,

but it was just a cacophony. And I hate, this is one of my biggest pet peeves. Like when comedians get these bar shows together and some guys are just there to get a drink, you can't force comedy down people's throats. And when a guy's like, Hey,

fuck go, Hey, there's a show going on over here. It's like, well, yeah, don't get on the guy's kid. He's just having a beer,

man. Like, uh, so yeah, it's like, well, it's all these people are here for a christmas party they don't care what the fuck i'm saying these other eight people are kind of having a you know getting a kick out of it but i'd like very early on and i'm doing i'm taping a tv thing this week so i was like well it'll be a chance to try and run through that material which like no way like i was like ah fuck and uh so i just said when i was up there i was like it doesn't matter what the fuck i say does it like none nobody's even going to acknowledge and i said i said like i ran a baby over on my way there and like it made me horny so i went back and jerked off on the baby and stole

its wallet and found out where it lived and went and face fucked its mom and it just like just started saying all this random shit and like the people who were paying attention were getting a kick because like it did not not one eyebrow raised from the christmas party and then for the last seven because the guy wanted me to do a certain amount of time and it's like it's one of those gigs where it's like well if i don't do the full fucking time he might not give me the 50 bucks right so i looked at my phone i was recording it and uh or maybe i was maybe i turned the recorder off at a certain point but uh i saw i had like seven minutes left and i just said i was like well i have seven minutes left i'm just gonna make

noises for the last seven minutes if anybody has any suggestions i mean i'll try to make whatever noise you tell me to make i did a car alarm like you know the full run of the car alarm and took some weird suggestions did like a tiger tiger doing something and i wound up going it's great in the middle of it but i did all the time but it was it's that's very liberating when i don't know, I hadn't been in an experience like that in a really long time where I was like, oh, this is fucking like. Death, impossible.

Well, it's not, it was one of the most, it was pretty fun actually. Really? Because I was like, well, once I realized it's like, okay, I'm not going to get to run through this fucking set list that I'm trying to get together. And it's like, really, nobody's paying attention. Like, and then just to start just saying whatever fucked up weird shit comes into your head i did this gig recently it's the worst hell gig i've done in a long time and i did it like a year ago that twitter thing

remember we did it with dove david off nick thune me and was there another person there was a post i forget the host name i apologize but it was for Twitter, and they did it at a rock bar. And the acoustics were the worst acoustics ever. Every word you said was echoed back and was totally incomprehensible. No one had any idea what you were saying. There was a very narrow area in the front of the stage where you could talk, and that's it. The people in the front of the stage, like directly in front of you, six feet to the left, six feet to the right, they could hear you. Yeah. But everyone else on the sides had six feet to the right. They could hear you. Yeah. But everyone else on the sides

had no idea what the fuck you were saying. I was literally five feet from the stage while Dove was on stage, and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. How big was the venue for this? It was weird. It was like a nightclub. It was like a dance floor sort of situation.

It wasn't set up for talking. And then on top of that, the whole time Dove's on stage, they're blowing smoke on him. I'm not kidding. He's covered in smoke because a band was on before him. So the smoke is blowing down on him. You can't hear a word he's fucking saying. And there's one point in time where he turns

and looks at me and Nick Thune on the side. He's like, what the fuck is this? This can't even be real. It was so spectacularly, shittily set up and it just it didn't even seem like it could be real and thun went up into the same thing and i went up into the same thing it was just like we both like people on the side of us were just looking at us like anyone on the side of you they would just look at you they had no idea what the fuck you were saying thun told me one of the craziest fucking stories a couple weeks ago i can't even do it justice nick if

you're listening call in uh no it was just like a nightmare stage story like it blew my fucking mind like it was in san francisco and like basically the waitresses all wound up getting like the crowd hated him and then like the waitresses were like these roller derby-ish type betty page chicks or whatever and they wound up like rushing him on stage and one like held him down while the other one tried to pull his pants down what it's it's honestly it's the most fucked up story i've ever heard they did this to nick thun nick thun yeah recently a few years ago i think it was where at which in san francisco because we were talking we got on the topic i mean i mean that. I hope I'm not fucking being gossipy.

I don't know. It's weird. Let's not name the club. But it was like, no, it wasn't a club. But he was saying that, you know, yeah, I don't want to say anyone. I don't know if it's weird or not. But like somebody who books the clubs in San Francisco was at that show. And he's like, that was like the biggest

nightmare he you know practically got booed off stage and then all these people tried to rape him on stage wow but like so i don't think he gets booked at like the punch line or like he doesn't get booked up there he's like well she was at that show where that happened and i don't know i guess you know they're not a fan or that's weird i don't because i'm i could be wrong but uh but i know it happened in san francisco at some weird venue and it was the and i'm forgetting parts like he it was a pretty interesting story and i feel bad i was hanging out with nick the day. We went and like walked dogs and we're hanging out in the park with Chelsea Peretti too. And I don't, we were just all fucking goofing around.

I forget how it happened, but I wound up tweeting congratulations to Nick Thune, newest cast member on Saturday Night Live. But just totally joking. Right. And we like, we decided, I don't know, we were talking about starting a rumor or something. Right. And that fucking thing spiraled out of control so fast i feel bad i mean i've talked me and nick have talked because like he started getting emails and it's this twitter thing is fucking scary like like people were saying fuck you you're not no no no they're saying congratulations we always knew you i mean it's just the worst like and he's like and he's getting

he's gotta be like pants pulled down by derby bitches well that was that was years ago but yeah I feel bad about that little hoax that Shafir

Ari Shafir went on this long tour him and Tripoli and a couple other guys they went on this long tour and after he came back he said one thing for sure I learned from this

no more bars that's it no more bars he said it's not don't perform at bars yeah no more Freddy Soto used to say that we used to always talk about it that people would offer him gigs and he would go no thank you that's pretty that's when me and stan hope started working together was when we really went the other way only bars yeah that's i mean when he was booking shit just through myspace when he was like i'm not working any more clubs

and we just put on myspace if you have a place me where it is. We'll work out a door deal. Right. And yeah, we did some fucking shitty places. Like, you know, places without stages. I mean, they were all... It was a fun experience, but... Did you do the outside place in Vegas? The outside place?

Yeah. Some dude was having shows in his backyard. And I think Doug did it. I don't know if Doug did it, but I know a couple comics backyard and i think doug did it i don't know if doug did it but i know a couple comics like guys with names did it i think the guy emailed me or that sounds familiar but i came close to doing it but i was like you know what i could do the palms yeah why am i doing your crazy backyard you might be nuts man then i'm connected to you you fucking crackpot but But it's a great idea. A kid just decides he's going to set up his own comedy club.

He's like, I'll charge $20 at the door. Everybody's packed into my backyard. I've got a stage and a PA, and everyone's enthusiastic. We're all drinking beer out of coolers and shit. On paper, it sounds awesome. But then you've got to go, man, who is this crazy asshole bringing me into his backyard? And that's kind of the stuff. That's a big difference between Doug and I.

He kind of thrives on that shit where he's like, a crazy, insane idea? I'm on board. Well, I was hanging out at his house back when the homeless people were living on his front porch. And then the homeless woman wound up stabbing the homeless man. And Doug had all these films of her. One of them, she had blood all over her hands after she stabbed her boyfriend. And she's sitting on her knees, so she's

kneeling and she's looking at her hands and she goes, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. She's saying all this craziness while she's got this guy's blood on her hands. And they take him away and, you know, he has to go get stitched up and he survives. But he got fucking stabbed. You know, and she goes to jail. And these people living on doug's front porch you just had them homeless people

and he would videotape them i'd hang out with them i'd go over doug's house to drink and be like me and doug and you know a couple friends and some fucking homeless people that's so fun it was so weird he he's so i mean he invites the chaos but i mean god damn dude i understand what you're doing but fuck homeless stabbing festivals in your front porch yeah but that's a perfect example of like yeah the energy that he yeah cause I'm like ah I don't

but I do try to you know sometimes it does make me think twice before knee jerk going fuck that shit that sounds retarded I'm like well wait a minute what if I do like i don't know let's fucking live a little and see what fucking happens you know i'll go do some weird backyard show where i'll get in a car with some guy or you know like after a show like all right i'll go to the fucking

place you guys are you know like people want to hang out after the show usually it's like i'm just gonna walk back some towns you know know Austin's the best for meeting people and hanging out after the show remember Brian we hung out with a dude who was born with no arms and legs

and he drove oh that dude I know him from the karaoke place Rob yeah he's a very nice guy his friend

and the lizard man yeah the crazy dude his whole face tattooed and his tongue split down the middle he does like freak shows

the enigma puzzle pieces no that's another one that's another guy yeah there's a lot of them he'd do his whole face tattooed and his tongue split down the middle. He does like freak shows. The Enigma? Yeah. Puzzle pieces? No, that's another one. That's another guy. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of them, man.

Wow. There's a lot of fucking crazy people that just go off with their face. Yeah. Just go nutty, put barbs in it and fucking horns and shit. I mean,

there's some photos online. There's some photos online of people. Have you ever seen the guy? There's one really famous one. He's got like, he looks like a cat. He's got a cat face. There's some photos online of people. Have you ever seen the guy? There's one really famous one. He's got like, he looks like a cat. He's got a cat face. He's got his teeth sharpened. Everything's different colors.

He's got giant ear plugs and all these different lip piercings and nose piercings. There's a cat woman in Austin. There's probably more than one. But one from when I first moved there, she had like whiskers, fucking metal whiskers that she could screw into her face. And like tiger stripes tattooed on her face and shit. Oh my God. Is there pictures of her online? I'm sure.

She was like married to or dating that Enigma guy for a while. The blue guy with all the puzzle pieces and the horns. Right. Used to do the Jim Rose. Oh, Jim Rose. I forget her fucking name. I can't. It shouldn't be too hard to

Find a picture of her Yeah Austin Cat Lady I wrote Tiger Woman Austin Nothing Where are you performing tonight, Brent? Tiger Woods

Cat Lady, maybe Tonight I'm doing a show At the Improv Lab Nice The Improv Lab is cool, man Yeah It seems like I wish you could drink in it, though

That's what I mean I always bring beer in with me when I want. I mean, I don't know if it's... Can't you just get a beer from the other bar and bring it over? No, they told me I wasn't allowed to. Does she have tiger stripes all over her body? Oh, there's this bitch. There's the crazy bitch.

Oh, my God. She's nuts. Yeah, that's her. Oh, my God. This crazy bitch. What she did was she has these things, and she's kind of cute. And she had these, at least from this loser resolution photo,

she's got tiger stripes, like black stripes, like tribal looking things all over her body, all over her legs, all over her arms, all over her face. And you can see the whiskers. Yeah, and she's got these metal whiskers screwed into her fucking skull. Whoa.

Would you fuck her? I hate this shit. Did I? Would you? I mean, I don't know. I mean, it's like, if I met her and we were like hanging out and I thought she was fun and I mean...

You would be down for a fucking chick that has face tattoos? I haven't, but I mean, I'm pretty open-minded. I mean, it's like like i'm not super uh i don't know what the word is well no no i'm i'm super picky but i'm not as like uh aesthetically like it's not like oh i just need a blonde with big tits like i can't i have to like like you know if i'm gonna yeah like if there's there are girls who like maybe weren't like super by

you know general standards like oh she's super hot but like i was fucking there was so much fun to hang out with and yeah i don't know like yeah i'll have sex with girls if they're cool if they're cool and they're not like i mean yeah yeah if they have face tattoos that's like i don't know if i if that attraction's there i can can't really control it. I hear what you're saying. You're open-minded. How about this dude? That's a chick, isn't he? The Catman.

Look at this. Oh, my God. That's Catman. I like that guy. Yeah. That guy went deep. I mean... This guy, he has...

If you haven't seen Catman, you've got to look it up. The guy's name is Dennis Avner, A-V-N-E-R. And he's got everything, man. He's got fangs. He has cheek implants. He has, like, it looks like he's wearing some crazy contact lenses. I don't know what he did with his teeth. He's got some sort of dental thing. Probably like a cap, you know?

Yeah, some crazy cap. So he just makes a living off of looking like that. I mean, that's what it's got to be. What does he do? Work at a gas station? Just could be some crazy person. Maybe he's a trust fund baby. Hey, what's the name of that app again?

It's called, which one we're talking about? The one that syncs all your shit together. Evernote. It's called Evernote, yeah. Evernote. Okay. I wanted to say Engadget for some strange reason. Engadget.

Evernote. That trust fund kid who just wants to look like a lion could be just some dude who's broken have you been watching that celebrity rehab see this one kid one of the kids is a billionaire son not really a celebrity but he's a poor kid

he's fucked up on heroin and all kinds of shit he's just a physical wreck and just rebels chaos that could easily be a cat person the just chaos, you know? Yeah. That could easily be a cat person. Yeah. The same shit.

I mean, you just, you start down that road, next thing you know, you're screwing spikes into your fucking forehead. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I wish I was a trust fund kid. Do you? I know one. He's a weak cunt of a man. Just a shell. And I don't say cunt of a man like he's a bad guy. He's actually a nice guy. But just like, he's a weak cunt of a man just a shell and I don't say cunt of a man

like he's a bad guy he's actually a nice guy but he's just weak has nothing he has no drive he's always got this idea

of doing things nothing ever gets done every business venture I have that but I don't have a giant safety net he's just weak he's got no character

just there's you know I think human beings need a certain amount of tasks, and accomplishing those tasks gives you confidence, and that confidence gives you a better understanding of yourself and your capabilities and what you can accomplish in this life. And people have never had to accomplish anything. They've never had to pull their own weight.

They've never had to make something out of nothing. They've never had to go out and achieve and get something done. Those people have no connection to life. They're just adrift. They're just loose, and everything's come to them. They don't understand. And then they just have no purpose, no meaning. It's a weird thing that we as beings, as human beings,

have to realize is that we have a certain amount of requirements. We require physical touch. We have to have it. You'll be depressed if you don't have, not even just sex, but hugging and affection and being around loved ones. That's all required. It's required of your biology. You need to be able to blow out stress. You have to. You have to have some sort of physical exercise. If you have a physical body, your body is basically the same fucking hardware as people that lived thousands and thousands of years ago and needed to run away from wolves and needed to fight off fucking angry tribes coming over the hill.

I mean, there's a lot of shit that was required of our bodies back then. It's basically the same hardware. You've got to accept all those things. People have to, in order to manage your life correctly, you really have to look at all those things and say, these are all requirements. This needs to be met. You know, like priests going crazy and wanting fucking kids.

Hey, guess what? Your body has a sexual requirement. You've got to take care of it. If you can't even masturbate, yeah, you're going to go nutty. You're going to go nutty and stick it in anything warm. You're fucking sick. And that's what I was talking about when I was talking about the nuns earlier when I called them dykes. I don't have anything against dykes, but

that's what it was. They're repressed. Yeah, they can't even rub one out without feeling bad about it. Poor fucks. So instead they just scream in your kids' faces. And the problem is once a religion gets started, it's so fucking difficult to stop. It's so easy to keep one going.

It's real easy to like, if it wasn't Catholic priests, it wasn't like a certain percentage. It wasn't like 10%. It was 100% of all of them were raping kids. 100% of all. People would still argue for the Catholic Church. They would say, but they do so much good work, and they're so good with the homeless, and

they married my sister. Let's not pay attention to that part. Let's just focus on. Even if there was 100% of them, people are so committed to it that there's still people that would be willing to go to church. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, even if it was 100% of them, people are so committed to it that there's still people that would be willing to go to church. Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, even if it was 100% of all priests, proven. They all rape kids.

You know, right? Don't you think? Across the board. It's so hard to stop one. Getting one started, once they get started, it's easy to ridicule Scientology. Like, oh, my goodness, it was made by a science fiction author in the 1950s. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dianetics.

Isn't that better information than these fucking monkeys that wrote this shit down on animal skins? Come on, stupid. Yeah. Let's start a fucking religion. We need to start a religion. It's very difficult to start a new one, though. It's very hard.

We were looking at the pilgrimage around the mosque around Mecca you ever see when there's like this box like structure and they all

walk around it and they all wear like traditional robes it's really crazy it's really strange to watch you know there's thousands and thousands

of people walking around but what I was saying when I first saw it I was like if this was new if this was a new religion wouldn't you be shitting your pants if all of a sudden there was some new religion, wouldn't you be shit in your pants?

If all of a sudden there was some new religion where everybody wore robes and they had a super secret box that was in the middle of Saudi Arabia and they all walked around it, we would be freaking the fuck out. It would be 24-hour coverage on CNN. They're still circling the box. No word yet as to what's going on

inside the box. What does the box represent, Mike? Well, we're not exactly sure. There's different accounts. Some folks say that's where Muhammad is buried and some say it's not. It could be some sort of a sacred meteorite. We would be terrified. I heard. I heard from some dude.

Like Waco. It's really like some new super Waco sort of situation. But because of the fact that it's been around a long time, we just sort of accept it. It's interesting, man. It's interesting. We're cool with shit as long as it's always been like that. Even if it's fucking ridiculous. Even if it's complete, total nonsense.

As long as it already exists, we sort of just go with whatever we see around us. Like those ladies in Africa that cut their lips and then stretch their lips out and put plates in. And the larger the plate is, just now, finally, in like 2009, 2010, 2011, finally. Hipsters are starting to do it. Women are starting to not do it.

You bet they are, right? Have you ever seen one? A hipster with a plate lip? Lip plate? No. The way they do it in Africa, it's a serious commitment. You have to smash out your bottom teeth. And those neck-stretching ladies, too.

Neck-stretching broads. That's crazy, man, because you can't take that shit off. Think about that. It's in Africa. How hot is Africa? Hot and sticky and sweaty and bugs are in those little metal bars and dirt and fucking stray loads because you're a girl. For sure some stray loads made their way onto that metal, right?

If you're some crazy African lady with a long neck, for sure, one dude is thinking, I am going to face fuck the shit out of this bitch. Look at all that neck.

She can just swallow my dick no problem at all. So there's all that and you can't even take them off to wash them because if you take them off, your head will fall right off and you'll die. Break your spine

or some shit. Bro, people are nuts. Speaking of Africa stuff I just noticed the Trilogy of Terror doll. Yeah, I got that from Bobby Slayton. Oh yeah? Bobby Slayton had one of the first internet radio shows long before the Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Back in the day Bobby Slayton, there was some weird

company that was trying, I mean this is like the 90s they were trying to create an internet radio station. It was because people had the radio at work and you could listen while you're at work or whatever. And so they hired a bunch of comics and I forget what it was called, but Bobby Slayton had the best show on it. And he had, it was basically the Bobby Slayton show, but it was on the internet. A little too ahead of its time.

Way, way, way ahead of its time. And bandwidth was like super expensive. Yeah, dial-up and shit. Yeah. you know on the internet a little too ahead way way way ahead of its time and bandwidth was like super expensive and yeah they couldn't figure out yeah they couldn't figure out a way to you know to to monetize it i think you know i think i was using dial up up until like 2000 really again with the whole like i'm not technologically i don't give a shit like 2000 2000. It's 2011. 11 years ago. Yeah, I was probably using dial-up in 2000 too. Were you really? Probably. It seems like... 2000. I might have had ISDN.

2000. No, I didn't. I had a T1 line. I had a T1 line. Because I couldn't get ISDN up here. I couldn't get cable. And I couldn't get DSL. So I got a T1 line because I couldn't get ISDN up here. I couldn't get cable and I couldn't get DSL so I got a T1 line

until they got DSL up here. So I had some ridiculous internet connection up here. Like a business connection that you use for like an office building. I had to get it. That was the only thing

I could get. It was high speed. That was my game addiction days. Dude, for sure, they're coming up with this new way of broadcasting wireless internet that goes through light spectrums. Have you heard of this? I've heard of it. Whoa.

Just like how wireless internet goes through radio spectrum, this goes through a light spectrum. Wrap your fucking head around that. They're wireless internet through light. You already have, you know, you can do internet through power lines, you know, power line adapters and stuff like that, so it's nothing really too crazy. How does that work? It's just like you have, you plug in one plug is your

internet, and then, you know, on the other side of the house you have the other side of the internet. It just runs through your power lines. I have to piss. Yeah, I've been holding it for so long. I can see the way you're moving, fella. I'm an expert in that shit. Well, we've been up for 245 just now. Should we just wrap this bitch up?

Yeah, we should probably just wrap this up. Let's just wrap this bitch up, Brendan. Well, then I can... Where can people see you next, man? Tonight. Tonight at the Improv Lab. Tomorrow... What time is the Improv Lab?

I think the show starts at 8.30. 8.30? And then tomorrow I'll be on the 8 o'clock show at the Improv. And if you're in New York,ork i mean you go to my website brendanwalsh.com b-r-e-n-d-o-n w-a-l-s-h uh and i'm gonna be taping a couple episodes of the john oliver show what's that work so you know the guy from the daily show john oliver the english dude okay correspondent he has he's a stand-up and he has his own stand-up.

It's like John Oliver and Friends. So he comes out and hosts the show, and then there's like four comics. I'm out and do like 10 minutes. Is this a Comedy Central show? Comedy Central, yeah. And if you go to my website, there's a link. It's this week, this coming weekend,

the 14th, 15th, and 16th. There's a link on my front page where you can go get free tickets if you want to go to the taping. It's on the NYU campus. And then I'll be in Go Bananas in Cincinnati, February 10th through 13th.

Sun Valley, Idaho. I think I did Go Bananas in Cincinnati. I'm pretty sure I did. Cincinnati's a weird one, didn't I? I don't know. I don't think it was Go Bananas. I think you did the... That's one of the clubs Doug still works. I think I did one. Didn't I? I don't know. I don't think it was Go Bananas. I think you did the... That's one of the clubs Doug still works. I think I did it.

I think I did it with Ari. Because there was a show there once. There was a UFC. And Cincinnati is a weird place where you have to land in Kentucky, and they call it the Cincinnati Airport. Yeah. But it's in Kentucky. Yeah.

That's a trip. And that's the Cincinnati Funny Bone is actually in Kentucky. Yeah. That's the one that we went to. Cincinnati Funny Bone. Really? Yeah. I went to Go Bananas too once, man. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's Benson's favorite club for some reason. It's a great club. It's a really small club, man. Yeah, it's, I don't know what it holds. It's like a basement sort of a situation. Yeah, it's got a cool, I mean, the name Go Bananas doesn't do it justice. I did it with Chris McGuire. That's who I did it with, Brian. Long ass time ago. And then the next got a cool, I mean, the name Go Bananas doesn't do it justice. I did it with Chris McGuire.

That's who I did it with, Brian. Long ass time ago. And then the next time I came, I did the Funny Bone. I think. The fuck am I talking about? February 10th through 13th, I'll be at the Funny Bone

and yeah, the New York thing. Go to my website. I have t-shirts and stuff. Ladies and gentlemen. Shows coming up. I got the improv in Miami. Not Miami. I ain't going there. Sorry. The improv in West Palmows coming up. I got the improv in Miami. Not Miami. I ain't going there.

Sorry. The improv in West Palm Beach, Florida. That's where I'm going. West Palm Beach is 28th, 29th, and 30th. And February 4th at the Mandalay Bay Theater in Vegas. You dirty bitches. That one is a... That's going to be a good one.

That's Ari Shaffir and Joey Diaz. If Joey Diaz doesn't pull a Joey Diaz, like he did the other night at Sal's. We were all at Sal's. Brendan was at Sal's as well. And Joey was supposed to go up and do a set, and he just fucking vanished. He even tweeted.

I'll see you tonight, cocksucker. Listen, cocksucker, this thing's going to be bigger than both of us. I decided not to go. Shit happens. Shit happens. I'm going to get on a path. I'm going to stick there. I'm going to loyal soldier, cocksucker.

I got to do what I got to do. He's Joe Diaz, man. He just, sometimes he pulls a Joe Diaz. He just doesn't want to do it. I don't know him super well, but I hear about him a lot from Dive. He's a fucking national treasure. Funniest man to ever walk the face of the planet. No one's close.

No one's made me laugh as hard. I'll show you a video once we get done with this. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, that's it. Show's over. Thank you to the flashlight. Fleshlight, rather. If you go to joerogan.net and you click the link,

you could get a Fleshlight for 15% off. You enter in the code. The code is ROGAN. You get a discount. A discount on your masturbatory tool. And I do support it. It's a fucking excellent product. It gives you massive ball twitching orgasms

if you can get past the fact that you're fucking a rubber vagina and you're a grown man this is what you chose to do with your time it's fucking awesome when you're taking it on when you're loading it in the dishwasher we will have another podcast on thursday we're not exactly sure who's going to be there we got a couple options we're going to figure that shit out so we'll have another one of these on Thursday and of course iTunes freaks you don't care. You'll get it when you

get it. You don't really get it at the same time. Unless you go to JoeRogan.net you can always download it right away right after we do it.

Tuesday and Thursday it's always available online. I'm talking too much and I'm tired of sounding my own fucking voice. Goodbye.

Goodbye everyone. As always we love you bitches. Later. Goodbye. Goodbye, everyone. As always, we love you bitches. Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. Later.