The Joe Rogan Experience - #704 - Alonzo Bodden

Episode Date: October 5, 2015

Alonzo Bodden is a stand up comedian and winner of Last Comic Standing Season 3. He also hosts his own podcast called "Who's Paying Attention" available on Spotify.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, we're live. We're live with Alonzo Bowden. He just got back spraying chemtrails for the past six hours all across Southern California. He's controlling minds and the weather. There's a reason why it's cloudy out, folks. It's Alonzo Bowden, hilarious stand-up comedian slash weather modification expert. What's up, Joe? Nothing.

What's going on, brother? It's going to rain tonight. What? I'm just saying. I'm just saying. God, I can't believe it. That, you know, you might want to put the top up on the convertible. Why are you working for the man?

Hey, it pays well. But you make great money. You're a comic. You do well. you're very successful i know joe but you know ever since obama took over i mean he gave me a call he said look alonzo we need a brother on the weather i said i got you ah i got you so this is this is part of that whole thing so it's part of like black lives matter yeah i just wanted to let you in okay i understand that makes sense look you got to do what you got to do in this crazy world. And if a little weather modification is on the menu.

Yeah, well, you know, then I'm kicking, I'm getting some of the ski resort money from Mammoth. You know, that's like a side hustle. They say this winter is going to be fucking crazy. The weather modification experts. I'm just here to let you know. El Nino. Do you believe in El Nino? Is that real?

Yeah, I think that is. But weather, you know, it's so funny about the weather? Like they really don't know. At best, it's an educated guess. Right. So when they say something like there's a change in an ocean current, like that's what El Nino is, right? Like there's warm water flowing through the ocean where it's normally cold,

and that's going to bring more water and vapor. And I get that on the large scale, but they can never say, OK, it's going to rain Tuesday between noon and four o'clock. Like there are times when they're so wrong. It's comical. In any other job, you'd be fired for being that far off. And they're like, oh, it missed. But compared to how they used to be, it's fucking amazing. They used to just look up at the sky, and when there were clouds running,

they'd go, oh, we better get inside. That was it. Yeah. They knew a tornado was coming because you could see the tornado coming. Like, that was, you know. But then you have the other things, like in Phoenix, they have weather people, right? Like, what is your

job from April through November in Phoenix? Yeah, it's going to be hot. Sunny. Hot. Be back tomorrow. There's nothing else. What, in July? Oh yeah, it's going to be monsoon. It's going to rain between 3 and 4, then it's going to be hot again. Yeah, there's nothing else. What, in July they have, oh, yeah, it's going to be monsoon.

It's going to rain between 3 and 4, and then it's going to be hot again. Yeah, there's no weather. And in L.A., the same thing. I mean, over the summer, occasionally you get, like, a little bit of rain in L.A. But what did it rain like, maybe four times this year? Yeah, yeah. I did a thing with, what's his name, the comic slash weatherman, Fritz Rogan. Fred Rogan?

No, Fritz Coleman. Fritz Coleman, yeah. I get him confused with that other guy, too. Fred Rogan, yeah. That's the sports guy. They're partners, right. Right. Yeah, I did a thing with Fritz Coleman, and one of his funniest jokes, he said, you think it's easy doing weather in L.A.?

He said, think of 300 different ways to say partly cloudy in the morning, sunny in the afternoon. Well, it gives you a lot of time to write jokes. Yeah, absolutely. Probably a good gig for a comic. Yeah. Plus you get on TV. If they let you plug your gigs. Yeah.

Hey, I'll be at the Ice House on Tuesday. Come on down. I think he does well because people see the name and when they walk into the club, they're like, that's the weatherman. You know what I mean? Like it's an instant recognition kind of gig yeah but he's gotta like keep it super clean right oh yeah he's he's nice if you fuck up if you're a weather guy or a news guy oh and if you just just stray slightly outside the lines people are looking to take you down but they still do it that's what's funny yeah you always hear about the the little small town weather guy that was in some weird thing like got caught with a prostitute at a massage part you know what i mean yeah i know but but but when you

know you're that guy right then you know you like gave that up you know what i mean like you you're not allowed to do that you can't get crazy you know you're like well i'm gonna be on tv every day so i can't you know i got to give up the hookers and blow yeah you're not a trade-off right right if you're in a comic a comic yeah we can get busted yeah and just you know you have a new bit like look at cat williams exactly i can't think of... I don't know what a comic could do. I guess violence would be the only thing unforgivable for a comic. But when it comes to sex scandals

or cheating on your wife or drunk at the airport or whatever, for comics, they're like, yeah, well... It just makes you better. He's on the road. He doesn't have more material. Like, look at Cat Williams.

Look at Cat Williams' last special. Half the special was all the shit that he got arrested for over the last two years. Yeah, yeah. And that's a trip. Like, I worked on this cruise line, and they said, yeah, Cat came, but he had a gun. And you're just like, well, you brought a gun to a cruise ship? Like, what did you expect to happen on a cruise ship? You know what I mean?

Maybe somebody could throw him off. That's what freaked me out about a cruise ship. Somebody throwing you off. Because that has happened. Like, some guy threw his wife off. And he's like, oh, I don't know what happened. She was out. She went out to get a drink.

And then, oh, oh. And he's like, oh, I don't know what happened. She was out. She went out to get a drink and then, huh? And they were like, what? It was like the reaction the guy had to his wife falling overboard, the crocodile tears. And they were like, okay, dude, have a seat. We're going to ask you some questions. How, uh, how, you and Debbie, how, how you guys get along?

You know, you guys fight a lot? I do these charter cruises, uh, jazz cruises and stuff. And, you know, after the cruise, the guy who runs it will tell some of the funny stories of what happened while we were at sea. And on one cruise, newlyweds get into a fight the first night. She threw all of his clothes overboard. Everything of his thrown overboard. They had to bring him to the ship's store.

And he had to wear, you know, they sell like the little shorts and the polo shirts from the cruise line, and he had to wear that all week. Well, I hope he stayed with her. I hope they worked it out. Yeah, I don't know how it worked out in the long run. They finished the cruise. A little throwing clothes overboard.

I hope it didn't wreck a beautiful future relationship, beautiful matrimony, beautiful nuptials in the Lord's eyes. You had to know that was in her, though, right? You never know, man. I've met people that got married and then immediately afterwards their chick became a nightmare. Really? Yeah. I've heard that more than once. I've heard, I don't know, I've heard some things, but not, but like to that extent, I would think there'd be flashes of psycho prior to that level. I don't know.

My buddy said when his girl got pregnant, like she was a little irritable because, you know, she was pregnant, but he said, but then after the baby came, like the whole, once she realized that he was never going to leave because he loves the baby and he loves, he loves, you know, having a family. She just started ordering him around, yelling at him, barking orders at him, telling him what he can and can't do now. And he was like, what the fuck happened to you? Like we're the same people. We just have a baby now.

But in your mind, no, the relationships change. We're going to have to reorganize and restructure this deal. We're going to have to sit down. And this is how it's going to go now. I'm going to shit in your mouth. It's time to renegotiate. And you have no negotiating power in this negotiation. Yeah.

She kept threatening to take the kid away. That was her big thing. Take the kid away. I'm going to move in with my parents. Like all kinds of crazy shit, man. And just immediately. And he went from being like the happiest guy. I'm psyched She's perfect. We get along so well. We're gonna have a baby together. That's gonna be amazing too. Fuck dude

I don't know what to do Fuck like he was just constantly stressed out his eyes were darting around the room And yeah that I mean that's that sounds like the old days when you had to stay married Right, well that was our parents generation had to stay married. Right? When was that? That was our parents' generation. They stayed married. They hated each other. I'm not saying specifically, but you know what I mean?

Like that divorce, they just didn't do it. They just stayed married. They were like, yeah, we've been married for 50 years. Don't particularly like each other, but we got to stay married because we made a vow. You know, I mean, that's how it was it was a generational pressure right and now they say the opposite is true like you have one bad day yeah it's enough of this shit well it's a religious thing too right you know like a lot of people don't want to get like Catholics especially did not want to get divorced that was a big thing yeah

yeah it was like the like an unforgivable sin yeah yeah when I was young it was a big thing. Yeah, yeah. It was like an unforgivable sin. Yeah. Yeah, when I was young, it was a big deal, man. When someone talked about getting divorced, I remember when I was a little kid, like a lot of it was like they would start bringing up the church. Yeah. You know, but the church doesn't want you getting divorced. You know, in the eyes of the Lord, you're married. You should work this out. You know, part of the problem is who you are when you meet.

Say if you meet, you're 25. You know, you fall in love. you get married and you're 30. Who you are at 30 is not who you are at 40. You are a different fucking human being. But you have a much better chance then than really young. Like I have a niece. She's 26 and she's engaged. And I'm still waiting to see how this plays out because he's 23.

And I'm just like too young. Like, you know, because just think who you are at 23 to who you are at 30. Yeah. Completely different. Totally. You know, so it's like if you grow up together, that's cool, and, you know, you go through those bumps together, but it's too easy to be like a whole different person.

And I mean, when I moved out here, when I came to LA, I worked in aircraft. So I went to aviation high school in New York. Lockheed Aircraft discovered this high school that trains airplane mechanics. So they literally hired hundreds of us, like move to LA, you got a job. I knew more guys, 18 and 19, who married their girlfriend because they didn't want to, like they were leaving home. You know what I mean? Like I'm starting life. We're going to get married.

Consequently, I knew more guys who were divorced at 21. I would have married my girlfriend in high school. When I was 18, I would have definitely married her. Really? 100%. How long do you think it would have lasted? A week. A couple months at the most.

She was a very nice girl, but she moved across town. Not across town, across the state, like an hour and a half away. And I was just so sad. I couldn't believe it. God damn, she's all the way over there. If she wanted to get married and we'd be together, I would have done it. damn, she's all the way over there. If she wanted to get married and we'd be together, I would have done it.

I will say, without exaggeration, without exaggeration, of 100 guys I knew married before they were 20, I only know two still married. I only know two. You know 100 guys that got married by the time they were 20? Yeah. Guys were coming out, and it was like I got a job. I got an apartment. Let me send for my

girlfriend from new york let's get married and they were just doing it there were two things that we did on a regular basis go to weddings and bail guys out of jail because everybody was getting duis you know so it's like we were like all right let's just keep a dui fund for whoever gets picked up this week you guys had a fund? We practically did. We had a network where we call, like, yeah, so-and-so's in jail. All right, I got 50 bucks. All right, I got 100 bucks, whatever, and we get them out. How much does it cost to get you out of jail for a DUI?

Back then, let's see, that was early 80s, probably about 400 or 500 bucks. That's it? It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now. It wasn't, yeah, back then it wasn't yet the big crime it is now. Like back in around, this is 80, 81, 82, getting a DUI was like a really bad ticket, but they didn't. You know, you went to jail for one night, but it wasn't like it is now where you, you know.

Now it's, as a matter of fact, I taught comedy traffic school in, what, the late 90s, and they said a DUI then cost you $10,000 by the time you paid for the fine and drunk driving school and a lawyer and all of that. It's got to be a lot more than that now. Yeah, it's probably $10,000 to $15,000. But it's a big crime now, right? Big crime, yeah.

Yeah. When I was in high school, a kid I went to school with, nice kid, got in a drunk driving accident, killed his friend. Never forget that. I think that's the worst part, if you have that, because you got to live with that. Yeah. You know what I mean?

And I can't imagine, it's bad enough if you have an accident, but if you're drunk and you have an accident or you killed your friend in the car or some shit like that, having to live with that's got to be the worst. Yeah, and he was like, I don't think we were any older than 17 or 18 at the time. I think he was just learning how to drive, really. And I heard about it, heard the whole story, and I knew that he had tried to commit suicide at the hospital.

He tried to jump out of the window. The cops told him. They came up to him while he was in the hospital bed and said, know you're a murderer now and he's like what he's like your friend's dead you're a murderer now yeah and he's like what what and he just freaked out he just ran towards the window they grabbed him and um i was walking down the street in my neighborhood and uh he was walking you know towards me and i saw him and he saw me and we looked at each other and I said, how you doing, man? He said, hi. I'm just, I'll never forget the sadness, the sadness that just was oozing out of his body. Yeah. They had this, they had this commercial and it was like the last text of people who died texting. Did you ever see that one?

No, but there was a guy. I think he was a publicist to Paris Hilton or something like that. Like one of those. I think it was Paris Hilton's publicist. Drove off the fucking mountain in Malibu. You know, those crazy winding roads. And he made a text about his dog like lol She's so cute like the dog was in the car with them

Fuck it Forget the specifics of the case, but they found the dude at the bottom of the canyon And then they deduced like oh this dumb fuck was was texting one single passenger I mean a dog by himself not an accident didn't collide with anything, just went off the side. Just drove off the, yeah, well. It's, I don't know. They'll never have me, you'll never have me on a podcast again. People are like, this is the saddest shit I've ever heard.

We've heard a lot sadder. We're 10 minutes in and everyone's dying. Well, you don't think, when you're driving and you're drunk especially, you don't think it's going to happen to you. That's the real problem with people. Everyone thinks it's someone else. I can drive. I'm okay.

Well, that's what alcohol does to you, though. Alcohol has you convinced that everything's going to be fine. Yeah, you hold all of your perceptions off so you think, yeah, I'm all right. Which is like the exact opposite of pot. When you smoke pot, you're like, I can't fucking drive. Dude, there's no way I can drive. Like, drive're high everything works like you can hit the brakes you can make turns but you're convinced that there's no fucking way you're gonna be able to make this exit like the exit's over there i gotta get over there fuck i remember one of the first times i ever drove

when i was high i just couldn't believe i was driving i was like this is so bad this is so bad meanwhile i was going 55 miles an hour staying staying in the lane, was very aware of everything, looking left, looking right, looking in the rearview mirror. But if I was drunk, I'd been like, I got this. I got it. Yeah, when I used to get loaded, I could drive high. I never liked being drunk because I always felt out of control. You know, just not like crazy out of control, but sloppy out of control.

You are. It's a terrible drug. Yeah. Yeah. So. Especially the next morning when you wake up sober in jail. Oh, you realize what you did? You know, that's when it hits.

Have you had DUI before? No. No. Not good. Got arrested for possession once. That's when I got sober. Really? Got arrested for possession of cocaine.

Do-do-do-do. And spent a night in jail. And I'm going to tell you, the happiest moment in court is when you show up for your possession of cocaine and as a public defender. And I'm sweating like I don't know what's going to happen or this or that. Because it was crack that I had. And he's like, you okay? I'm like, yeah. He said, did anyone tell you?

No. He said, oh, whatever you had, it wasn't cocaine. So you're just here on driving on a suspended license. I was like, guilty. Guilty. What? Suspended license. I don't even need you.

It wasn't real? Someone sold you some bullshit crack? Yep. Yep. Thank God. Oh, you're so lucky. It wasn't real? Someone sold you some bullshit crack? Yep, yep. Thank God. Oh, you're so lucky. Wow. What was it?

Who knows? I don't know what it was. Whatever it was when they tested it, it was not cocaine. I'll tell you what it was. It was the greatest day of my life. Well, Joey Diaz would tell stories about giving girls chopped up aspirins and them acting like it's the greatest coke they've ever done in their life. Yeah. Yeah.

People. Well, so much of it is like psychological. But with crack, I mean, when it hits you, you know it. But this one, I listen, Joe, I got busted. It was the dumbest thing. Like I was on this street, you know, crack road, whatever you go to cop. Right. So I had the rock and I knew

the rock because I had tried to smoke it and it melted and I was like, this is bullshit. So I go back like I'm looking for the guy, right? Like, what am I going to do? I ain't going to do shit. Like, I'm not hard. You know what I mean? I'm not a crip. I'm just going back looking for the guy. And the cops swooped on the street and they come in from both sides with cars, you know, like it's a whole thing, just shut down a whole street. So I throw the rock out of the window. It hits the gutter above the window and lands in my lap. When the cop looked, I had a rock sitting in my lap. It's like I tried to get rid of it, you know.

Yeah, you think like a rock, if your window is open, a rock, you could just flick it like a booger. Yeah, that's what I thought. Did you try to throw it out the side window? Yeah. The passenger? No, no, drivers. Yours? Yeah.

And it bounced off. Literally hit that gutter, you know, that little rail above the window and bounced, landed right in my lap. Dude, that is shit luck. Oh, man. But great luck. Great luck in the long run, right in my lap. Dude, that is shit luck. Oh, man. But great luck. Great luck in the long run. But in the moment, not good.

Wow. Not good. So that was the moment you decided to quit? Yeah, that night in jail, it was one of those things where, like, it's one of those moments where you realize I'm not supposed to be here. You know what I mean? Like, with everything that that transpired in my life, like I was still in aerospace then, but you know, licensed airplane mechanic, good job,

blah, blah, blah, everything else. It just hit me in that moment. Like, this is not how it's supposed to end. Cause I knew guys who had gone down that road. You know what I mean? Like I knew guys who were doing time and shit like that. And, and for a lot of guys, jail is just part of life. You know what I mean? Like I go away for a couple of years, come back. Like I'm not that guy, you know what I mean? And I didn't want to, I didn't want to become that guy. I had no aspiration. When I was a kid that one of the neighbor's sons, he was in Attica and I will never forget this. We were going somewhere upstate New York and we went to visit

him. And when you go in and that gate closes behind you, like, I don't know if you've ever been in a maximum security prison, but when that gate, it's never forgot that sound for the rest of my life. Like, oh, fuck no.

Whatever I do, this ain't where I'm going to end up. What did he go to Attica for? Armed robbery. Yeah, he was an armed robber. He was a habitual criminal. He'd spent the rest of his life. Like, he was never out of jail for more than a year. Because once you get in that system,

then you're always getting picked up for something. And the people that you know, the people that you surround yourself with, it becomes a pattern. You're constantly around people that are doing things like that. It becomes normal. Yeah, that's what it is. It becomes normal. And once it becomes normal, it's tough to crack. How old were you when you first tried crack?

Let's see. Speaking of tough to crack. 22, maybe 23, something like that. And what was the scenario? Well, actually, the first time I tried it, okay, it started out, you know, like just partying as a kid, smoking weed, drinking beer, whatever, and then getting new a little cocaine Here in there, you know

Snorting it and then I had a friend and this had to be 84 maybe 83 whatever when people were still, you know just starting to get in a free base and then crack and stuff like that and He hit it and he gave me the pipe and i hit it and i was like holy shit and i was like it scared me i was like this is too good like i said man you better you better get off this shit this is gonna like you're gonna lose everything wow because the high was so good you know and what does it feel like describe it uh it's a rush It's an overpowering rush of energy. And I don't know, like a lightning bolt hitting you with no pain, but just like you're buzzing, like your whole body is just, you know, I guess cocaine works on whatever the receptors of good feelings in your body. I forget what it's called scientifically.

It's dopamine, but there are nerve endings that make you feel good, and cocaine works on these. And crack is such an intense hit. It's like doing it all at once, as opposed to when you're snorting it, you're getting high a little here, a little there. it all at once as opposed to when you're snorting it, you're getting high a little here, a little there. Now it's concentrated and it's a rush, but it's beyond anything else. It is instantly addicting because it's a rush that you've never felt before.

Now I've never shot up, so I can't compare it to shooting drugs, but I had never felt anything like that. And it literally scared me. And then like a year and a half later is when I got into doing it myself, you know, with some other guys. And it was like me and this other guy, we kind of said, we're going to watch each other. You know what I mean? So it's like, he'll tell me when to stop or I'll tell him when to stop.

And it actually worked for as long as we were both in the same room, you know. So you decided to be like sitters for each other. Yeah, yeah, because you knew because we'd seen people. We'd seen people get sprung and lose everything. The first guy who turned me on to it, I watched him lose. He had this incredibly beautiful girlfriend. She dumped him. Then he lost his car him then he lost his

card and he lost his apartment like it literally crack will take you know i mean richard pryor's jokes like that is true the pipe will tell you that dang this is you and me it's you and me you ain't you don't need this you don't need that car you don't need you know i i sold a crack car i sold a car i had for 500 bucks you know to smoke that up how often were you smoking it at the end i was i was daily as as much as often as i could get the money wow daily yeah as often as i could get i still had a job almost to the end you know what i mean and i got laid off from my job so when i got my paycheck that's when it would start and it was always the same like all what i mean and i got laid off from my job so when i got my paycheck that's

when it would start and it was always the same bullshit like all right i'm only gonna do like one eight ball i mean that's like spend 150 bucks that's gonna be it you know so you get that and then you smoke that up you're like all right i'm only going 20 more like i'm only gonna do 20 more i'm only gonna do 20 more and then you you that. And then the next thing you know, it's the next day and it's all gone. And the money's gone. And I was, like I say, I'm not a criminal. Like I didn't come from that. That's where my head was.

My next stop was, okay, how do I steal something or rip somebody off or whatever? And, yeah, it's totally, but, and the bad thing is once you get to that point, you're not getting high anymore because your brain's so fried that the drug's not working. Like whatever the nerves and the brain cells and stuff are fried. So you're smoking it, but you're not getting that rush anymore. You're chasing it. You want it it but you can't find it so the initial rush that you get the first time you do it is just overwhelming and then everything else after that diminishes more and more it's never it's you know like like shot a song it's never as good as the first time that that that's what then that's the

whole thing with drug addiction with any drug it's so good that first time that you're chasing it and you can't get that feeling again. I think that's the difference between addicts and regular people. Like regular people, like you get high and you're like, okay, I'm good. You know, I'm high. I'm having a good time, but when you're an addict, it's like you want that ultimate feeling that you got that one time and you will you'll sacrifice everything to get it yeah i've never fucked with coke i don't know i don't know what that feeling is it coke in general is a an up drug it ups your energy and uh heightened sense of awareness that's why like you get coke paranoia like i had coke bugs one time coke bugs coke like crawling on you that's what you it feels like something's crawling in your

skin and you're scratching but people have cut themselves open oh you know what i mean but but i'll never forget that that was the weirdest thing because it literally felt like there were bugs crawling out of my skin and i'm just ah you know and um but it does that like because it affects your nervous system and this is the extreme this is be this isn't the you know snort coke with a chick in the in a bathroom of a club you know this is beyond that you know this is beyond the fun part did the snorting grab you as much as the smoking or was the smoking it where really yeah the snorting was the snorting was good but snorting grab you as much as the smoking it or was the smoking it where it really? Yeah, the snorting was good, but snorting is also hard on you like your nose gets fucked up. And, you know, in the 80s, there were a lot of deviated septums, you know.

There were a lot of plastic surgeons putting noses back together in the 80s. So it eats through your nose? Is that true? It literally eats through your nose. I always wanted to know if that was true. Yeah, that center membrane goes away and your nose just becomes one big nostril and probably better for cardio yeah well there you go oh I used to work out man I used to get coked up and work out at a 24-hour gym if I wasn't in shape my heart would have exploded with some of this shit I used

to do but you do it for the rush because you're coked up and then you start lifting and you know how it is. You get that pump. Right. And now you're like, and you just feel like you can fucking explode, you know? And I'm my,

I'm sure my heart was doing 150 beats a minute at least. And you were, you were coked up lifting weights. Oh yeah. Yeah. And that was one of the reasons I think that I was able to hide it. Cause I didn't look like a crackhead. Cause I didn't I didn't lose weight because I got coked up and worked out. But did you eat too?

I ate when I wasn't on it. I didn't eat when I was on it, but I ate when I wasn't on it. But you were doing it every day. Yeah, yeah. Well, every day as long as I had the money. The money would run out. So if I got paid Thursday, every day lasted till Saturday, maybe Sunday. And then you just get a little chip here and there, a little piece, but nothing to keep you high all day.

So, I mean, I did a lot to hide it. You know, I led this dual life. Like, I worked during the day, and I was the airplane mechanic. And then when I got off work, I just locked myself up in my apartment, did coke, drank. I lived like that for—my life was fully like that for a little over a year. But the worst part, the last two years was when it was bad. It was bad.

So you went crazy for a year where you just—, were you drinking to try to calm your heart down? No, you drink because, first of all, your torch was a little cotton ball dipped in the 151 rum. Oh, okay. So you had 151 there, so you would drink that because you have it. And you drink-

Your torch. Yeah, in other words, you don't cook crack with a lighter. You don't? I hate giving crack lessons on the podcast. In other words, like you don't cook crack with a lighter. You don't? I hate giving crack lessons. Please do. On the podcast. Don't worry because I won't.

No, you don't hold a lighter. You need a torch. You need like a hotter flame. So you would take, and I'm trying to remember how we did it. I'm trying to remember what you dipped into the rum. And it's great that I don't remember. Because I remember the screen was this uh chore boy which was like a steel wool but no soap in it that's what you used as a screen in the pipe

but that i forget how i did the torch but anyway the torch you would dip it into 151 rum and light that because that was a hotter flame than using a lighter. Whoa. What about those like blowtorch? Yeah, they came out with those. They came out with the torch lighters later. But like you knew certain crackhead things. And you would like, when you were at a crackhead liquor store, you know what I mean? You could tell by stuff they sold.

Like they would just have Chore Boy scrub brushes, and they would have like 151 rum, but in in half pints you know no who's buying a half pint of 151 you know what i mean and uh you get big lighters you get that pack of five because you'd go through lighters all the time so you just you but that was that was it that was the life but it was the it was the initial rush man the rush was like, and once you hit it, once you hit that, then nothing else mattered. You know what I mean? Like, in other words, once you got that first hit, then you didn't care about. And that's why you hear about those stories about people, you know, leaving, I mean, the tragic stuff, leaving their kid in the car while they're in the crack house or the guy who never comes home or whatever

because you were out of your mind. It took over. Very rarely did you come across a social crack user. Crack-dominated life. What you saw happen to Chris Rock in New Jack City, that was it. That was real. And that's how it would take you over. It's amazing that you kicked it just from one arrest.

Well, again, that one arrest, well, you got to remember, you hate yourself while you're doing it. You're not enjoying it. You're in a place, because you know you're fucking up. I mean, like in my case, I'm not going, my family's in New York where're fucking up. I mean, like in my case, I'm not going.

My family's in New York where I grew up. I'm not going home to visit anybody. I'm not going home on any holidays. My last Thanksgiving, now I'm invited to at least two, three friends and families come over for Thanksgiving dinner, this or that. It's me, the pipe, and Denny's takeout Thanksgiving dinner. You know what I mean? And you're sitting there, and you know that.

That's what fucks with you. You know, and you're like, well, one more hit, and then I'm going to go to so-and-so's house. I'm going to make it out the house. And you don't. And this is every week, and it's in your mind, like, I just did it again. I didn't show up for this. I didn't show up for this. I didn't show up for that.

I'm missing work. Whatever. I'm not, bills aren't paid. You know, I went through bankruptcy, the whole bit. And so you know you're destroying your life. And so the arrest was just like the, when it all came to a head, you know what I mean? was just like the, when it all came to a head, you know what I mean? Because now I'm just in jail by myself sitting in Van Nuys jail with nothing but my thoughts of this is how, this is what I did.

Yeah, they say that you need a rock bottom, right? Yeah, it's different for everybody, but you hit that bottom. And the only thing I remembered after that when I went to rehab was I never want to feel like that again. You know, like whatever happens in my life, I don't want to feel like that again. Wow. So bad timing on the rehab. That's a good rock bottom, though. It's a good rock bottom story, too.

It's a real rock bottom but when it comes to rehab if i had walked out of the house on last comic standing into celebrity rehab how fucking famous would i be now joe pretty famous yeah i blew it you timed it more when did you start doing stand-up well that that's the funny thing and and it's literally one of those cases where the worst thing in your life leads to the best thing in your life so i go to rehab um and when you're in re i was in outpatient so you're in these meetings and there's psychologists and whatever and so this wasn't court appointed this was like your own this was my thing yeah because i had gone when i had my job i tried rehab once and i didn't make it because i didn't give a you know

so i went back to the same place and they let me back in so four hours a day you're doing the psychology thing and the meetings and whatever else and this woman came in and she she was from they people who are in recovery go to rehabs and they tell people like this is how it works. This is what it's like, blah, blah, blah. So she was hot as all I remember. She was hot as hell, you know, and she was from New York. Right. So so after she talks, I make my move, you know, because I'm sober like three fucking days. Right. But she said, listen, I'm married, but a lot of women like me to go to a place called Studio 12. And Studio 12 was a rehab for the crew. So the stars went to Betty Ford, but the crew, the electricians, the lighting guys,

the makeup artists, the clothes, they all went to this place called Studio 12, and that's where she was from. So she took me over there, and I met these guys, and I started going to meetings there, and that's where I got sober. Those were the guys who helped me, who me who I you know sponsored me with everything else but they were also they were in the entertainment business and and I always had a sense of humor I could make people laugh but I had never thought about it because if you're not like you know I grew up

in blue collar home and then you you grow up you go to school you get a job like entertainment showbiz is nowhere on the radar that's's something that other people do. And you watch on TV. But now I know guys who are in it. I know people who are doing it. And I was teaching aerospace and making people laugh and shit like that. And I said, I want to be a comic. And my AA sponsor was like, man, go for it. Try it. And I literally did one of those writing classes and I did the five minute graduation hooked. And from then on. So that's how my comedy career started. So was it writing like a Sandy Shore type class?

It was a guy named Len Ostrovich. He used to write for Rich Jenny. Whoa. And he was he was in somewhere in Santa Monica. There used to be a theater in Santa Monica where they used to do, I forget what, it was this Comedy Central half-hour comedy thing. I forget what it was called. But anyway, he used to work there, and that's where he did the class. So I did his six-week writing class and the five-minute graduation show and just absolutely knew it.

Like, I was like, this is what I'm going to do. Like, I'm never going to fix an airplane again. I'm doing this. And then, you know, that's how it started. Then it was just open mics and grinding and everything else. I know a lot of dudes who got into it because they would go to AA and then they'd have those meetings. Then they'd go up in the meetings and they would tell funny stories about shit they did when they

were fucked up yeah I mean I got laughs in meetings but it was it was almost unintentional it was just like I'm telling a story but it's coming out funny like I'm not trying to be funny right right it just comes out that because you know how it is if you have a sense of humor when you tell a story it's going to be funny but I didn't know what i was doing you know what i mean it was just i had this sense of humor and what recovery did it changed my sense of humor from like this this anger belittling ripping on people thing to jokes like i'm in on a joke like now it's just funny like instead of being an attack oh so before when you were doing coke, it was like aggressive, like angry at everybody. Fuck this guy.

Fuck you. Yeah, because you're paranoid and you're fucked up. And when you do talk to people or whatever, you just kind of separate from them, you know. Right. But anyway, yeah, so that literally, had I not gotten sober, I wouldn't have become a comic. I don't think. Jamie, can you throw some tea on? I don't know what the fuck is going on in my throat.

But I know that people listening to this are probably like, will you stop fucking clearing your throat? I can't. I can't help it, folks. I think you might have gone a little heavy with the grass-fed butter in today's coffee. I don't know. Maybe that's it. Never tried the butter in coffee. I heard it's better than sugar.

Want to try some? You might start phlegming up, too. Maybe it's something I ate. I don't know. But for me, when I was starting out, when I was an open micer, there was a lot of guys. There was a guy named Dave Fitzgerald who was a really funny guy. And he just his whole life, he was just doing blow and partying and drinking and fucking up. And then he finally got himself cleaned up, started going to meetings,

and then started making people laugh at these meetings. And he was a good writer, man, a funny comic. And then he got sick. He got sick, wound up dying of cancer. He would have been a big comic. He would have made it. He had a real good sense of humor. He was a funny dude.

But just the toll on his body, all those years and years of just fucking hitting it hard. I have friends who that's happened to, mainly guys who shot drugs, who gave them up. And then 20 years later, hep c or something like that like some some latent result from shooting drugs in their 20s destroys their body in their 50s yeah that hep c one's a real problem real common one for guys who do heroin yeah that was what um the tommy lee pam anderson accusation right it. Because they got tattoos together with the same needle to show their love. Yeah.

Who's the tattoo artist that does that? I don't know. Someone that loves Hep C. You know, I don't know a tattoo, like, I know tattoo artists,

like, if you asked them, do they be, no. Like, get the fuck out of here. No, I don't do shit like that.

I'm wearing gloves for a reason, dude. this is a real of here. No, I don't do shit like that. I'm wearing gloves for a reason, dude. Yeah, this is a real procedure. You know, it's funny that you said that you grew up in a blue-collar house and that you didn't know, like, entertainment was never on the radar. Because I think that's the case for a lot of people, that once you're around someone, like when you're around those people that were working in show business,

you're like, oh, these are just regular people. Like, this is a job. Yeah. It's real. Yeah. Yeah. It's real. Yeah.

That's the case with a lot of things, isn't it? Oh, absolutely. We were talking about this the other day. We were talking about race car drivers, right? Because a lot of drivers, their kids, their father was a race car driver. So to them, that's normal. You know what I mean? But to most people, the idea of driving a car

at 150, 200 miles an hour, they're like, are you out of your mind? But if your dad did it, then you start driving go-karts when you're like three years old. You know what I mean? And then you grow up and you do it, and you never think about, like, this is unusual. Did you see that movie with Thor?

What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, Rush. Rush. Yeah, I love that. The dude's Thor forever, by the way. I don't even know his name. Handsome bastard. I love that stuff.

Formula One racing. It's great. That's the real racing, right? That shit is neck. I mean, it's a whole different world, but it's like so cool to be one of those guys. Like the world champion now, this guy Lewis Hamilton out of England. Like this guy makes $30 million a year. He's got a private jet.

I think his girlfriend was like the leader of the Spice Girls or something like that for a while. You know what I mean? And he flies his private jet to Malibu to see his girlfriend. And they always show him like hanging out at some award show like he he knows everybody there or like he's in the hamptons with jamie foxx you're like hell yeah like that's that's how you're supposed to screw all that i'm training all the time like this guy's living life you know you're like 30 years old and you're kicking it in the hamptons with jamie foxx and banging the leader of the spice girls like fuck yeah that's that's a world champion that's rush

this ain't no nascar bullshit this you ain't drinking pbr yeah the nascar thing i'm i mean i understand that people enjoy it i bet it's fun as hell but i that whole going left, I can't watch a race where you only go left. I can't watch. I couldn't. 500 miles of Bubba's turning left. Well, there's a girl in there, too. Yeah. Bubba.

Yeah. Yeah, Danica Patrick. Are there other girls, Jamie? Maybe one other girl. But the knock on Danica Patrick, and it is true, like she ain't going to win, and she has an attitude about it it's like she did all the go daddy you know the bikini stuff and this and that and then she's like well why do you treat me like a girl because you're fucking selling bikini pictures like you you know i don't think there's anything you know people will say

there's something that there's like it lessens a girl to sell herself in bikinis or something like that. I think that is total bullshit. Here's my take on it. A girl's body, when a girl has a hot body, for a guy, that is the most desirable thing to look at on the planet. When you see a girl that has Jennifer Lopez's ass, that little thin waist and big ass, there was a girl in line to take pictures with us after the show at the House of Blues in Houston,

and me and Ian Edwards talked about her every 20 minutes for the rest of the weekend. Oh, yeah. Just because of her body. She had this waist that was like your arm, and then her ass came. It was this waist that was like your arm and then her ass came. It was insane. It was insane. And we would be

in the car and I would go, that didn't even seem like a real body. And he goes, it didn't seem like a real body. I was like, what the fuck, man? I'm not knocking her for doing it. This is my thing. Don't do it and then complain when people talk about it. You know what I mean? In other words, Jennifer Lopez can never say, why are you looking at my ass?

Well, Jen, you called us. J-Lo, you called us, said, look at that ass, and I'm just playing along. A lot of them, they start out trying to sell it that way, and then they want to be taken seriously. Right. Yeah, that does happen. But come on. You can still be taken seriously if you're in your underwear. Who gives a shit? Yeah. Just admit that that's. But come on. You can still be taken seriously if you're in your underwear. Who gives a shit?

Yeah. Just admit that that's what you're selling. It's part of you. It's not all of you, but it's part of you. You know what story I love? They went to the women beach volleyball players, and they said, you know, you don't have to wear bikinis. You can change the uniform. And all of them were like, no, no, no, no, no.

We were wearing the bikinis because they knew. They were like, yeah, we want people to watch. That's how they're making money. If we're wearing sweats, nobody's watching beach volleyball. Yeah. I remember. No knock. When I first started doing comedy, especially,

I always was like real nervous about people seeing the fact that I had muscles, seeing the fact that I had muscles Seeing the fact that I worked out because I always felt like that working out and comedy word. They just didn't go together There's no way you couldn't you couldn't have you couldn't be built right and do stand-up, you know But then I met guys like you and then I met Nick DiPaolo was the first one Yeah, I met Nick DiPaolo in Boston does back when he was young He's like a football players big giant neck and fucking and he was killing yeah and i was like this is all you have to do is just be funny yeah you have to hide it early in my career i used to acknowledge it i've stopped even acknowledging it but it's always funny to me when people like man if they don't laugh you can just

beat them up like yeah that's my second strategy that's what we do that's that's absolutely what i was gonna do because I'm a fucking Viking, and I'm just going to jump into the crowd and start beating the shit out of people. This is funny, y'all. Yeah, the idea that somehow or another a person who's fit or you have a good body that precludes you from being smart, that's a big thing with girls. If a girl has a hot body, you think she's got to be a fucking idiot. Instantaneously, you see a girl in a big thing with girls. Like, if a girl has a hot body, you think she's got to be a fucking idiot. Like, instantaneously,

you see a girl in a bikini with a nice body, a good percentage of the population wants to write her off. Yeah. Because it's an easy ride for her. Because we know that if you are built like that, the odds that you're doing the work, the odds that you're really studying shit and reading shit and paying attention

and really analyzing your thoughts and being objective and correcting mistakes. Probably not because you got dick thrown at you like javelins all day long. You're just dodging dick. I mean, a girl like that, it's easy to rest on your laurels. But it doesn't mean that to judge them on that. I mean, if you've met enough people in your life, you realize that there's some really hot chicks that are smart as fuck.

Yeah. It's confusing. Definitely. But they're out Yeah. It's confusing. Definitely. But they're out there. But it happens. It's like they say, and I found this to be true, the most amazing women are the ones who got hot after high school. Yeah, they blossomed.

Yeah, because they had a personality and they were smart or this or that, and then they hit their 20s and they kind of figured out how all the parts come together and became like, holy shit, hot. But they still have that. They develop that personality or whatever. Whereas if you're born hot and you just look great all your life, and I've met women like this that they have no clue. Like they really think life is that easy for everyone.

It's like you you understand, like, not everyone. Like, some people have to wait in line for shit. Yeah, for clubs. Some people, like, yeah. It's no knock against them. It's like, you know, certain people win the birth lottery, you know? You just, like Michael Jordan, ability to fly. Yeah, but Michael Jordan's a perfect example.

I mean, Michael Jordan didn't even make his high school team. Michael Jordan, he failed like a lot and then become obsessed, became obsessed with success. Hard work. But then he also happened to grow to 6'7 with the jumping ability. You know what I mean? It's like that was, that helped. But yeah, it's great when you do all of that, but you still have to have

I think you have to have some talent. It's like comics, you know? I've always thought Dave Chappelle had an unfair advantage because Dave looked funny when he came out. What about Joey Diaz? I don't mean that as a knock. I mean like when you see him on stage before he opened his mouth, you're like, oh, this

guy looks funny. This is going to be fun, you know? Joey's like that. When Joey starts talking, you're like, this guy's hilarious. Because you think, Joey's one of those guys, like Rocky Laporte's another one, where you think they're playing a character

and then you find out, no, this is really him. He's really that guy. So it makes it even funnier. Joey's a human cartoon. I mean, he just walks out on stage. As soon as he walks on stage, people start laughing. They just start smiling. Yeah.

What the fuck has this guy been doing for the past 50 years? I love Joey, man. He's my favorite of all time. I think he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. I really do. I don't think there's anybody any funnier. Because I think if you look at comedy, you look at stand-up comedy, I really think that we're right now, we're in the golden age.

I don't think there's ever been more funny comics. I think because of the internet, guys like Joey, that probably would have never made it on television and they wouldn't have gotten a shot on a Tonight Show back in the day. Now you get to find out how funny they really are from podcasts and you get to go see them do stand-up and i think if you look at like all the greats like if you go back in time comedy gets better over the years like the greatest of all time like only richard pryor is he's the one guy that like i'll go back and i'll listen to his old stuff and it's

still really funny it's still really funny but like you go back and I'll listen to his old stuff and it's still really funny it's still really funny but like you go back and listen to Lenny Bruce oh it's hard to listen to man it's not really funny anymore I think Carlin was always funny once he once he got past that hippie weather man thing once once he put that down yeah Carlin became just these I mean the observations he made were hilarious. And Cosby, you know, obviously everything with Cosby is now tainted. But Cosby the comic, he was a beast. Like you listen to Noah's Ark and some of that old shit and it's like, that was great. Like it would still be, you know, we had this argument once.

Somebody threw it out there. It said if Cosby started today, would he have made it i was like fuck yeah yeah for sure he would have adjusted they all would have adjusted to the the new level of comedy the level of comedy is higher people expect more it's just i think it's higher now yeah you know i just think that as time goes on things get better um but out of all the guys that I've ever seen, and I saw Kennison live. I worked with Pryor at the end a bunch of times at the comedy store, but he wasn't really Pryor anymore. He was real sick, and he was in a wheelchair at the time.

They would literally carry him, Chewy from the comedy store. Yeah, I remember Chewy. And what the fuck is her name? Martinez. What the fuck is her name? from the comedy store. Yeah, I remember Chewy. And, oh, what the fuck is her name? Martinez. What the fuck is her name? Anyway, they would carry her.

They would carry him. They would carry, her husband would carry Richard Pryor through the audience and sit him down. And then they would crank the microphone

and I'm like, real loud because he could barely talk. And he was on medication and he would drink and he would drink and he would talk. And it just wasn't that good. And it was sad. But I did get a chance to see him, you know, when I was younger. I saw him, you know, live in the Sunset Strip.

I saw the movies. Yeah. And I saw Pryor. I saw Carlin live a few times. No one has ever made me laugh like Joey Diaz. Yeah. When that guy's on, when he's on, and when his face is red, and he's fucking screaming and going crazy,

I don't think there's anybody better. I think he's the funny—I think, like, overall, he's the funniest guy that's ever lived. Yeah. I got to work with Carlin, and I met Cosby, never got to work with him, but I never got to meet Pryor. He was the only one. Last summer I worked with Rickles.

Really? Rickles is in his late 80s, and it's the same thing. He's offstage. They have him in a wheelchair. He can walk, but it's like they help him get around, and then they bring him out, and he sits at a piano, and the minute the lights hit, he's fucking Rickles. Like one of the highlights of my life, I got it on video,

is backstage Rickles was ripping on me. Oh, man, Joe, you're fucking crying. This next guy, I don't know what he is, 6'9", 6'10". He could kill somebody, God forbid, and you can catch him this weekend at San Quentin. He'll probably be inside Friday because, you know, Alonzo. Yeah, took a white man's name, so he's not in jail. And just shit like that. It's just rapid fire off the top of his head.

Bam, bam, bam. And all you can do is sit there and fucking laugh. Yeah, Jeff Ross told me to work with him, too. And he said the same thing. He said once the lights are on and the microphone's on he comes alive yeah it's uh it was great to watch and it's one of those things like it's that's a video i'll have forever like yeah that was the night rickles ripped on me so buddy hackett yelled at me once oh man i got a great fucking buddy hackett story really yeah i uh doing a benefit

and robin williams was presenting Buddy Hackett with this award. So I'm outside. It was let's see. It was I was on the show. I want to say Shoemaker was on the show. And anyway, so I'm just outside. This is when I still smoke. So I'm having a cigarette. So Buddy Hackett walks up. Right. I've never met him. I don't know anybody. It's right after Don Imus did the nappy headed hose thing right so he comes up to me he's like yeah i know i know you're gonna let hackett have it right because you black comics when it comes to being funny i mean the colors you colored guys are just so hilarious when you negroes start and he just keeps going he just keeps going saying the same thing with different words for black.

And I am fucking cracking up because it's like, I don't even know you. But it was great. It was great. Those guys were, they had a thing, you know. They had a different time and they had a camaraderie. And when they weren't on TV or on screen or whatever, they had no filter. Like, they just did. That's why he was doing that.

Because, you know, back in the day, that's what you did. That's what you did. They fucked around with each other. And those guys didn't even have comedy clubs. Those guys had to start off on variety shows. Yeah. Where they'd be, like, a dancer or a band. And they'd be, like, the emcee they'd be like the emcee and they'd

have to come out and you know shuck and jive and they would emcee strip clubs and jazz clubs you ever emcee a strip club no i did once i did a jack and jill strip club in wound socket rhode island jack and jill means a guy goes out the girl goes out it was atrocious there was no one in the audience and there was maybe like uh no no, like six people in the audience spread out, like two here, one over there, three over there. It was so bad that I couldn't even say I bombed because there was no response. It didn't feel like a bombing. It felt like they weren't even acknowledging that I was alive. It was the strangest thing ever.

And then this guy and this girl who were both equally unattractive, the guy would dance first. I don't remember who danced first, guy or the girl, but they were both disgusting. And they both had terrible tattoos. The guy was covering his tattoos up with like bandanas on his arm. And the girl had like, the way I described it on her ass, it looked like someone tried to chew it into her ass, like that you bit into a pen, Someone tried to chew it into her ass like that you bit into a pen, got the ink on your teeth and tried to chew a snake into her ass. That's how bad the tattoo looked. It was one of those moments where I go, wow, I'm never going to forget this place.

I did have a moment. I worked with the Chippendales guys once. I guess this is hosting a strip club. Anybody try to blow you? Any of those Chippendales guys? No, they didn't. I wasn't their type. Anybody try to blow you? Any of those Chippendales guys?

No, no, they didn't. I wasn't their type. But it was some little casino, you know, one of those side-of-the-road casinos about an hour and a half north of Sacramento. So we're in the middle of farm country and, you know, where it's just like, okay, here's a casino for no reason. Had to be 1,500 farmers' wives' chicks in this crowd waiting for the chippendales guys right so i go out there so i'm out there for about maybe 12 seconds before the first take it off you know and it just was one of those they're just screaming right so so whatever so i didn't i didn't even do jokes i just yelled back at him and something. And then I would like open a button on my shirt, you know?

But the funny thing was like, it was almost like they weren't in on it. Like they were trying to fuck the Chippendales guys. And like, you, you know, these guys are like, there's like one of them, like it's a lottery thing to find which one of these it's a straight guy, you know? And the other thing was these guys were kids. They were like, you know, I guess it's a Chippendales road crew. It's not like the main guys. These guys are like 20, 22, 23.

And these women are like in their 50s. I was like, this is going to end badly. The monsters, farmer's wife monsters screaming, cigarette breath. Oh, yeah. Dragons. When I was a kid, I had two friends that were male strippers. One of them was an older guy. I used to work out.

They both worked out at the gym I worked out. And one of them was an older guy and one of them a younger guy. And the older guy was real them the younger guy and the older guy it was was real fucking weird just real weird like he had a pair of underwear that was a elephant trunk and his dick would go where the trunk is and then he had like little ears you know it was very fucking strange he would joke around but shit got real one day when we're all uh we're all hanging around he was talking about you know girls and you know go to this any guy was you know pretty built and girls they you know they go to these bachelor party bachelorette parties and you dance for these girls the girls get about to get married she

winds up sucking my dick it's crazy and we're all sitting around laughing i go you ever have to dance for guys and you could hear a pin drop in that fucking room. And he looks at me and I'm looking into his soul. Man, he goes, yeah, yeah, but I hate it. I'm like, yeah, okay. What the fuck? It was the weirdest moment. I'll never forget that moment. Looking in his eyes with him saying, yeah, but I hate it.

I hate it. I'm like, you dance for guys? What's that like? And then everybody like. Yeah, what's that like? Because then everybody like. Yeah, what's that like? Because finally someone asked. Finally someone asked. But the other dude was this younger guy, this young Puerto Rican kid that I used to work out with.

And he wound up doing a lot of dancing for dudes. He wound up dancing for dudes. And I think he told me he let dudes suck his dick, too. Yeah. It's just like. He goes, hey, as long as I'm not doing anything, man, dude wants to give me $1,000 to suck my dick. I'm like, what? Yeah, I was going to say, it's probably just money.

Yeah, but I don't believe he didn't do anything either. You know, $1,000 to suck his dick. Okay, well, $10,000 if you suck mine. Well, hey. As long as you're here. Yeah. It's not going to take long, right? Listen, when you leave here, they're going to say you suck dick,

whether you suck dick or not. So you might as well pick up 10 grand. Yeah, you're already in the neighborhood. When a guy is sucking your dick, you're already in the neighborhood. You might as well just suck his dick and make the real money. It's, you know, I was trying to think what comedy is related. Like if there's a comedy gig that's that bad where you're like fuck it you know i mean but yeah we don't have there's no there's no comment there's no one-nighter where you where

there's a possibility of you sucking a guy's dick there's no unless you're a gay dude unless you're gay and you're trying to hook it up if you're trying no i'm talking about where it's just it just happens yeah yeah nor is there a gig for chicks where they wind up for chick comics. Yeah. I don't know what it's – it's different for women on the road though, right? Yeah. They don't go out and get dick. No.

Their whole energy is different. They get sad. Their whole energy is avoid dick. Avoid dick. And don't't like i don't want dick i don't want you showing me your dick don't they usually bring dogs with them they bring a little dog a lot of them have dogs a little tiny dog the weirdest thing i heard after we did last comic we were touring this and that and tammy pascatelli said she went to a gig and a guy had a life-size cutout of her that he brought to the gig and he wanted her to sign. How fucking weird would that moment be?

That's rough. Is Tammy still living in the middle of nowhere? She was in Pennsylvania or something like that? Yeah, she's in Pennsylvania. And she's doing good. She's doing her, you know. She's doing great with stand-up, right? Yeah. She's doing great with stand-up, right? Yeah, she's doing great with stand-up.

She's always cool. She's part of Jenny McCarthy's tour and then she's doing her own gigs. Oh, that's right. She does her radio show too, right? Yeah, she's got a serious XM radio show. Tammy's always cool. Yeah, I've loved Tammy.

She's always been cool. She's funny too. We had a good time when we did the show. Who else did you do it with? What season were you on? I was in seasons two and three. Oh, you were on both seasons? Yeah, well, three was the kind of thrown-together season where they took comics from season one

and put them against the comics from season two. Oh. But I did it with Hefron, Gary Gullman, Todd Glass, Kathleen Madigan, Tammy, Corey Holcomb, Ant. That's a good crew up to Ant. Ant was the reason why I got in a fight with Buddy Hackett. I know. We know that story. And I'm trying to remember, what's his name?

Jay London. Oh, Jay. Jay London. Jay London, man. He's a funny dude, man. Yeah, Jay's funny, man. But, boy, you talk about a guy who's a mess. Oh, he's crazy. Jay London was selling. He's a funny dude, man. Yeah, Jay's funny, man. But he's a, boy, you're talking about a guy who's a mess. Oh, he's crazy.

Jay London was selling American flags after 9-11. That's what he was doing for a living. Yeah. And I worked with him. The first gig I ever did on television in 1992, I want to say two or three, I did Stand Up Spotlight in New York. And it was me and Jay London and a couple other people. And Jay and I were friends from the New York comedy scene.

And then he just kind of faded away. And then he came to L.A. And in 2001, he was basically almost homeless. Yeah, before he did Last Comic. He was the only guy who stood in line on Last Comic and made it to the finals of the show. Wow. So he went through the whole line to audition? He went through the whole wait outside. But I'll give my best Jay London moment.

We were in the house, and it was a game Heffron had. He called it 10. I don't know if you ever heard of this, but it's a group of people, and you start telling facts about yourself, starting from the most innocuous thing that's number 10 like i might say you know my name's alonzo i'm from new york city you know and you go around then number nine you you know i i had my first girlfriend at 18 or whatever you know what i mean like you go, number six, J. London. Sometimes I get mad at myself and I rip pubic hairs out with pliers. And I was like, that's your fucking six?

Because I had to go after him. I was like, that's number six? What the fuck do I have? Like, that's six. And he was serious. Absolutely. Wow, he gets mad at himself. Like, what is your, what is number, I don't think we got to number two.

What does he get mad at himself for? Who knows? Who knows? Jay is a sweetheart, but definitely a tortured soul. There are a lot of demons. It was fascinating watching him become famous. Because knowing him as long as I knew him, and then for a small window of like a year or so, after Last Comic Standing, he was really well known.

Oh, absolutely. People loved him. Yeah. Yeah, I was on tour with him. People would love him. People would come up to him at the store, and they would go, can I get a picture with you? And he'd be like, me?

You want a picture with me? Yeah. Like he was like genuinely confused. Yeah, he never figured it out. He was a guy who needed someone to take care of him. He needed a manager. Yeah, he needed a manager that would handle and take care of him, which he didn't have. Just book him. Just get him booked.

I mean, it's just like having him manage his career on his own. Did he ever have a manager? He was with Barry briefly. Exactly. Did he ever have a manager? Exactly. No. Yeah, nah, he didn't. We toured with him for a while. Me, him, and Gary Goldman toured for about six months.

Really? And me and Goldman would call it Londonitis, where you just get tired of Jay. Like, you love him, but man, I can't do it anymore, you know. But he needed somebody to help him. It was fucked up because it's one of those cases where if somebody worked with him, he could have sustained it. He's a guy who could just come in and do 10-minute guest spots forever. Yeah. And people would love him.

Well, he opened up for Louis recently in L.A. at the Comedy Store when Louis was warming up for his stand-up special that he filmed there. And he was really funny, man. He's got some great one-liners. Yeah, he's got some killer one-liners. My girlfriend had crabs. I bought her fishnet stockings. Thank you. I'll be over here.

And he would move the microphone when a joke didn't go well. He's the only guy I know who could honestly do the same joke twice in one set because he forgot and the crowd would laugh because everyone knew. He honestly forgot he's already told that joke. Yeah, well, they were all non-sequiturs. It was like one after the other would laugh because everyone knew like he honestly forgot he's already told that joke yeah well they

were all non sequiturs it was like one after the other that didn't that didn't make sense um the buddy hackett story if you didn't hear it was buddy hackett and uh and monique and i were hosting we were the uh the judges first season of last comic standing an ant ant's killing right doing great and uh but he does like a george carlin joke he does a joke from a movie he does all this shit so i compliment him i say you're you got great energy your delivery's awesome you know he really got a lot of there's a lot of charisma but i've seen those jokes like those are jokes like you did a joke from a movie the movie movie Boiler Room. Yeah. Which I guess they stole from Jim David, who's a comic in New York.

The joke was, you know, they should take you gays and put them on an island. They did. It's called Manhattan. Okay. You know, like, when you say that and you live in L.A., like, come on, bitch. That ain't your joke. Right. You know? Like, this is, that doesn't even make any sense out here.

But when I said that, you know, I said, look, a comic is supposed to be, when you're on stage, it's supposed to be your point of view. Like, that's what everybody wants to go see. They want to see, here's the world through your eyes. Bunny Hank had just started screaming at me. I never heard those jokes before, you fucking asshole. Just screaming at me. Because all those old vaudeville dudes would all steal. All steal, yeah.

All of them. They all would steal each other yeah all of them they all would steal each other's shit and they would go from town to town and you know they would do jokes two jews walking to a bar and then they would have like a little thing that they would piece together because no one did television back then they never did television so nobody knew nobody knew anything you just had a bunch of gags it was like your toolbox that you'd bring with you and you'd go and do it and uh that's the only i mean we all knew that everyone knew that as comics You need to talk to old guys

They were alive back then they would always talk about that like the Milton Berle thing was the classic one right Milton Berle stole Everybody shit, but um he just I just struck a chord and he was screaming at me you fucking asshole Just screaming with he had gloves on And I remember trying to figure out what I was gonna do Like am I gonna yell back at buddy Hall? He's like fucking a buddy hack it rather He's like 80 something years old. I mean, it looks like he's on death's door and he's a legend You know, he's a comedy legend and you know He's screaming at me and I and I know why screaming at me and am I gonna say listen?

You're just pissed off because your entire career you stole. That's what you guys did. You guys all stole. You weren't. What stand-up was back then is not stand-up now. This is all in my mind. Yeah. And I'm like, I can't say that.

I just can't say it. It's not my place. I'll be crucified. So I decided to just eat it. I'm not going to say a word. So I just sit there while he's screaming at me. And I'm looking at him. And I don't say a word.

And I think to myself, like, God, did I do the right thing like shit and then fucking Barry came over who I've never liked he doesn't like me I don't like him and he was the producer of the show it was that weird controversy where all the people that got on the show even though we didn't vote for him they wound up getting in because Barry was managing them it was a disaster because he was producing the show and managing people that were on the show. It was fucking gross. That was when Drew Carey and Brett Butler walked off the show in the second season for the same reason. I was there. I'll talk to you about that.

We'll do that next. So I decide. I go, I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to say it. And Barry came over to me. You know, you're such a professional. I'm really amazed that you just did that. The way you did that was beautiful

You just you just handled it perfectly like thanks great So I'm thinking to myself. Yeah, I'm thinking to myself Jesus. I definitely did the wrong thing if Barry comes over and tells me that So I you know I just over and then Monique was like you made those jokes your sugar Those are your jokes now. You made them yours. I'm like, you made them yours? It's a fucking George Carlin joke. God damn it. He's doing the joke about George Carlin talking about how fighters fight for a purse and they wear a belt.

That's a goddamn George Carlin bit. And he's doing this, and he's going to do it on television. I'm like, do you know what's happening here? I don't say a word. I just let it all happen. And two weeks later buddy hackett's dead two weeks so his health was so fragile that him screaming at me at that moment if i screamed back at him he could have died on that show i mean that's how fragile his health was i mean he was

dead i want to say two weeks i might be wrong but it was no more than two months and he was dead i want to say two weeks i might be wrong but it was no more than two months and he was dead and so i was thinking like if i yelled at him there you old that would be the worst boom his heart thing explodes yeah joe rogan killed buddy haggard yeah literally killed him yeah literally killed him and this was all um i want to say this is all pre the mencia thing too it was it was right when was the last comic standing what year oh five yes oh four oh five yeah so this was pre because the mencia thing was like 2007. yeah well what happened with brett and uh drew carey and i always felt that they set them up you know kind of set them up for this to happen. So we're doing the semifinals in Vegas, right? There's 20 of us there,

and 10 of us are going to go forward into the house and do the show. So it came down to, I think it was Dan Natterman and somebody else. It was between the two of them. And Natterman had had a killer set, and I love Natterman. Natterman and somebody else. It was between the two of them. And Natterman had had a killer set. And I love Natterman. Natterman's really funny. But I think they didn't see everything that led up to that. In other words, we had done

our auditions in our various cities. We had done New York. And they had us do some shit backstage. Like, we had a gambling night. We had a party. And Dan doesn't really interact. Like, it's, you know, a lot of comics. You stay to yourself. Like, we had a party, and Dan doesn't really interact. Like it's, you know, a lot of comics. You stay to yourself.

Like it's a thing. And I think all of that made a difference in them picking. But they had Brett and Drew under the impression that they were going to pick the 10. Because like one of the other comics they picked wasn't going to get on because they did the same set at both auditions. And they'd kill you for that. They were like, look, if you don't have two different three-minute sets, you're not ready for the show or whatever. So I felt they set Brett up. Because I remember when Brett got pissed and got up out the chair and walked off.

Because I think we all knew that they weren't making the final decision. You know what I mean? They were like celebrity judges, but't making the final decision. You know what I mean? They were like celebrity judges, but they weren't going to, you know what I mean? Well, it wasn't, you weren't really judging. They didn't take you into consideration at all. Right. It was the producer's decision, which is why it was so frustrating for people when they found out that Barry was managing people.

Yeah. That wanted to make it on the show. The one thing I can say, when all that went down, I had no connection with anybody. Because Barry managed some, and then Ross, Bob, and Ross from The Tonight Show, they had had a management company before they were scouts for The Tonight Show. And I think one or two of the comics had been with their management company. But I was like, nope, check my history. I got nobody. There's no one pulling for me here you know but then I went back a few years later season five and I was one of the judges

and so now I'm on the other side of the table and I gotta say I don't know how it was when you did it they didn't interfere with us like they didn't tell us who they wanted you know what I mean like they didn't really the only thing they would tell us is if somebody did that act before you know in other words like they they tried out with it in 05 and now they're back in 06 with the same act because they're like no and then there were a couple of times i'll never forget there was this one uh this chick had been like miss new jersey or something like that like she was a beauty queen and she was hot as hell not funny at all but just fucking amazing to look at right so they were like gotta go in the house gotta pass it yeah they were like you gotta pass her you gotta bring her

back to the night audition and we're like like no no like it's not gonna to. Yeah. We brought her. We were at Gotham's in New York. Man, it was the most awkward silence, like her act. It was like this monologue and just the crowd was just like it's where it's not even bombing with it. Yeah. The look on your face right now. I don't know if there's a camera on you, but if people if you saw the face Joe just made, that was the whole. Yeah. A lot of that. Painful feeling.

She's beautiful, though, isn't she? Look at her hair. Look at her hair. You know, it was one of those. Is she still this damn up? One of those. I have no idea. Amazing.

What if she got good? Like, really good? Could have. Maybe. I don't think so. I think she would have, she'd have been plucked into the actress pool if she was funny at all. And even remotely decent. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. They didn't tell us anything, who they wanted and who they didn't. But it was real obvious when we all, like, we would talk about it, like, before Buddy got mad at me. You know, I'm like, did you guys pick them? How did this guy get through? Like, there was a conversation when we were trying to figure out how someone got through that we didn't pick, that none of us picked. Monique didn't pick him.

That was what it was. I don't think I was talking to Buddy. I think Monique didn't pick him and I didn't pick him. I go, you didn't pick him and I didn't pick him, right? I go, so how did this guy get through? That doesn't make any sense. And then there was the Brett Butler thing, and then we had read that the judges were really just sort of for show.

And that really is the producer's decision who to get on and not get on the show. Yeah, ultimately, ultimately it was because part of it, like I was talking with K.P. Anderson about it because K.P. was working on the show. He was writing for Jay. Right. And K.P. said, you know, know well part of it is you got to have a balance in comics right so you can't have like all white guys or all black guys or this is like they they had an idea of how many slots because he told me the thing when the season i went on with corey holcomb he said look they only thought there'd be one black comic. They were like, but you and Corey were both so funny and so completely different that they were just like,

yeah, bring them both on. And then when it came down to there were six of us and going to be five finalists, right? And me and Corey were both still in the running. And we were like, all right, one of us ain't going to make it. It ain't going to be two brothers in the final five on NBC. That just ain't going to it like it ain't gonna be two brothers in the final five on nbc that just ain't gonna happen that's hilarious so whichever one of us makes it we you know we we're back the other one you know what i mean because we knew we but how is that that doesn't

make any sense if you guys were the two best it should be a possibility yeah it should be about the show but it's it's but it's not just that show you know know what I mean? Like, that's how TV works. Like, you know, I've always said that, like, when people talk about discrimination in TV, there's definitely discrimination in TV. But a lot of it, but one of the colors they see is green. You know what I mean? And some of the shit they do, like, when they do stereotypes, like, we were talking about it earlier. You know, like, Friday night I was on Dr. Ken's show as a bouncer alright I fucking nail bouncer alright I've been a bouncer on more sitcoms

and more movies could I get mad and say well you know I can play a professor yeah I could but I'm damn sure I could play bouncer and it's like that's how TV works like every hot blonde is dumb on TV and every sitcom dad is a bumbling idiot you know

and it's like that's that's how they that's how they play the game so you can get mad at it to an extent and i understood like like the emmy speech that viola davis made like i get that like she's like if we had more opportunities there would be more black actresses like me and it and i never want to insult people who act on that level by lumping myself in that category like i'm not an actor like that i am a i love playing the bouncer it's easy and i get health insurance you know but as a comic you're a professional comic a legit professional comic and the idea that you you wouldn't have you and cory holcomb who's also a legit professional comic. And the idea that you wouldn't have you and Corey Holcomb, who's also a legit professional comic, hilarious dude,

you two hilarious guys, that it's not possible that you can get into the finals, that's fucked up. It was possible, but we kind of knew. You knew it wasn't possible. We knew. We were like, on UPN, we'd have got it. On UPN, I forgot that existed. The WB, remember the WB? On the W the wb shit it would have been it would have been

listen mr heffron we're gonna see you later me and cory got business to take care of well at least heffron's funny heffron's hilarious yeah and after all the dust settled like we were all cool with it you know what i mean like it was it it was. And, and it was a good shot for all of us, but I, I, I liked it better then than I do now. I think the show was better when you had all the reality and all that. Cause I think the fans,

now it's just straight standup. Really? Like they just, yeah. It's like, they just get up and do standup against each other and America votes. I don't even know. I don't even know if America votes or I don't even know america i don't even know if america votes or

i don't even know how they do it now because you know when we did it they didn't have twitter and shit like that so isn't that crazy you know i did it when we had myspace and i had a girlfriend who would get mad at me because of things chicks would post on myspace after they saw me on tv what like i got no control over this she would get mad at you for things other people posted chicks would post on MySpace after they saw me on TV. Oh, Alonzo. Like, I got no control over this. She would get mad at you for things other people posted? Oh, yeah, yeah. She was never able to adjust to TV. But, you know, the – because you know how TV is.

Like, pretty women are like a decoration on TV. You know what I mean? They're always around, and whenever there's event, there's hot chicks there that nobody really knows how they got there. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know who invited them or what, but they're just here, but that, but that's how it is. It's always like that. And she was never comfortable with that. And I was like, look, if they're going to fuck anybody,

they're going to fuck a producer. Like they know, they know how this game works. They know they're only going to get so far fucking the winner of last comic stand. That's not a career move. You might be a step, though. You might be a stepping stone. A stepping stone at best. A nice little rock to get you across the creek.

I might be able to get you backstage where you can meet somebody, you know. But, yeah, she never, and she was hot, you know, but she never. Couldn't handle it. Couldn't get used to it. There's some of those things, some of those events where they bring in girls. I knew girls that would get hired. They would literally get hired. They'd get paid like $1,000 to go to these events and parties and mingle

because they wanted to just be filled with fans. Right, that's what I'm saying. It's just filled with hot chicks, but they're not, like I used to always say, they're not real. They're just here. Like, not meaning they're not real. They're real people. I'm sure they have a life and stuff, but in this atmosphere,

they're here to make this room look good. They're here to, you know. They're also here to find some sort of a producer that might be able to take care of them. There's a lot of that. God bless them. I used to call them coyotes. God bless them if you, you know. They would find this dude. Make it work. Some chubby Jewish dude and take care of them. There's a lot of that. I used to call them coyotes. God bless them if you, you know.

They would find this dude. You could make it work. Some chubby Jewish dude and just start working them. I've seen it. My friend and one of my favorite comics, Matt Kazam, I got my own problems. Me and Matt be on the road, and he'd say that a hundred times. Whenever you read something in the paper, like some guy, you know,

tornado blew his trailer away and his dog died. Yeah. I got my own problems. Yeah. You can concentrate on other people's problems way too long and you get lost. You lose yourself. It's just too easy. That's the other thing about social media. It's too easy to get caught up in nonsense that really shouldn't affect you at all. Yeah. And some people do more than like, like it's unreasonable. Like, okay, we can't save everyone from everything. Like in a perfect world we could, but no, the world's not perfect. Yeah. And, and, you know, and it's the

same way with Hollywood and, and show business. Like you, you have to remember this shit ain't real. You know, it is on some level, but a lot of it is just glamorous and they treat you good and they love you. And they, I, I think, I think what helped me was the fact that I worked in the real world before I got into this. Yeah. Cause I remember my first job, I was a truck driver for the show power Rangers for the kids show. And I'd never worked in TV and I didn't know anything about it.

And we go and there's breakfast and then there's lunch. And I'm like, what the fuck? What? And, you know, I'm hearing someone complain and I want to say, you know, in the real world, you got to get your own food. Like, dude, they feed you every day. You might want to show a little gratitude here you know well there's when you're on the power rangers you wish you were on friends this is how it is everybody always wants better no one's ever happy there's always a bigger better deal around the

corner yeah i had fun with that show that that show was actually that's where i learned everything about tv like i learned what every you know i learned what the best boy is and what the key grip, like, you see all those titles and you're like, what the hell is that? And that's where I learned who all those people are. I learned what upstage meant while I was on a television show. They told me, could you move upstage? I go, which way is that? Which way is upstage?

It's all flat. And you know, there were a bunch of people like, oh, Jesus. How the fuck did he get here? Fucking comics. They were mad. They were mad. I worked with some actors

that really didn't like the fact that I had never really done any acting before. And then it was easy. It's not that hard. But upstage, the way it used to be in those Victorian,

Shakespearean stages, it was a ramp. Like, the stage was not flat. It was like, it was elevated in the back. And the idea being that you could see it through the entire, as they moved to the back of the stage, upstage, you could see in the back. Right. They had to make a ramp so everyone could see it. Yeah, because they were flat.

Everybody was flat. Then someone figured out, hey, wait a minute. If we put the seats in a ramp, we can make the stage flat. It's one of those great moments in theater that nobody got credit for that. The guy who said, hey, man, how about if we put the seats uphill and we keep the stage flat? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So I'm going to tell you my great Joe Rogan story because I don't know if you remember this story, but I will always remember this story.

This this was no, this was a great thing. This was my second year at Montreal. I had gone once and I had done new faces and then, you know, just doing whatever. It was great for me. And that's when I became a comic full time, blah, blah, blah. And,

you know, so I come back the next year and I bumped into you and I think you were either, you were still on news radio or you had just finished news radio or something like that. What year was it? This 99, 98. Yeah.

Probably on it still. I think it ended in 99. And then Kevin James showed up and I think Kevin's show was about to hit or it just hit or something like that. And you grabbed me and you're like, come on, we're doing spots. And I rode around in a cab with you and Kevin James crashing stages. And now I'm just coming off new faces. So I'm like, what the fuck? I'm hanging out with Joe Rogan and Kevin James. I'm a fucking comic now.

I'll always remember that, man. That was so fucking cool at that time. Because you knew me from the Laugh Factory, but it wasn't, but you know what I mean? Like you guys were both on sitcoms and you're recognized everywhere you walk in. And I'm just this, that their security? Nah, it's a fucking comic.

I remember that. I remember driving around with you. But to me, I mean, I never wanted to be on TV. So being on TV was just something like, whoa, okay, I'll do that. That's a lot of money. Yeah, all right, I'm on TV. But any moment while I was on stand-up, when I was on TV rather, I was thinking this is going to end and I'm going to go right back to being a stand-up. I always thought of myself as on stand-up when I was on TV rather I was thinking this is gonna end and I'm gonna go right back to being a stand-up I always thought of myself as a stand-up

yeah I love I love being a stand-up you know it's I mean I would love that everyone would love that hit TV thing like that's the lottery payoff right when you get one of those and you you know make a ton of money but there's nothing like being on stage and and and the other thing i've always loved is the respect of the good comics that's everything that's everything when when when the good ones when the pros the masters whatever you want to call them when they're like and and you you know you got it because they just treat you like you're one of them you know that that was always the thing when they talk to you they treat you like you're like okay yeah i'm in dude i was in the parking lot of the comedy store in like 94 or something like that and damon wayans he had seen me on stage and he looked at me he goes you a funny motherfucker

you a funny motherfucker god damn that was funny remember, like, my whole body was tingling. I was like, Damon Wayans said that? Like, to me, that was, like, just the most elevating thing that could have ever happened. I was like, holy shit, I'm legit. I can't believe this. And then you become that guy. Crazy. You know, like, in the past five years, I've definitely become the old guy. Like, there's so many young comics.

I mean, oh, man, I was watching you. And, oh, man, just talking to you. I'm young comics I mean oh man I was watching you and oh man just talking to you I'm learning I'm like I got you because I remember like George Wallace was my guy like I used to see George at the laugh factory and I talked to him and this or that and he still fucks with me about it like we were in Vegas we were having lunch or something like yeah there's Alonzo just sitting around waiting for me to die. I was like, you're damn right, George. I take over this whole operation. The Vegas operation. He hated that operation, man. Yeah, toward the end.

I talked to him about it at the Comedy and Magic Club. He came backstage and I was there and we were hanging out and talking. And he said, he goes, it is not easy. He said, it is hard. You know why? They four wall it. Yeah, because. He had to pay for everything to promote it.

Because he was going up again. He said the reason he stopped doing it, because other clubs, they were giving it away free. So he's four-walling and trying to sell tickets when they're giving away free tickets to so-and-so's show because they're backed by the casino. And he said that's why he said you just got to where you can't compete with free. Also, then you got to go on the road, and you haven't really established yourself on the road in decades. Because all this time he's been in Vegas doing this one place, just trying to pack this one place with people out of town. So he's got the billboards. He's got the things on top of the cabs and all that shit.

And he's got a good hustle at keeping it together in Vegas. But that shit doesn't mean anything when you go to Philly. No. You know, the people that haven't gone to Vegas, they're like, George who? George Wallace? Oh yeah, I remember that guy. They're not going to come. They're not going to come.

They don't know what's better. Was he on Comedy Central last year? You know, when was the last time he had a special? That's always been my weakest thing. I've never been great at marketing. It's hard. Marketing, marketing's a tough gig. But he had a great run in Vegas, though, for a long time. Marketing is a tough gig. But he had a great

run in Vegas, though. For a long time, he had a great run. How many years was he there? I think nine. Yeah, I think nine years. But I talked to another guy who had one of those shows and he told me, he said, man, you see them taxis? I get a bill for that. Like every month

the casino gives me a bill. The casino gives you a bill the casino gives you yeah because the casino puts up the money to put your picture on top of a hundred taxi cabs you know and then at the end of the month you get a bill for that or they take it out of what you made in the box office wow yeah so yeah it's a tough it's unless tough, unless you're a big name, you know, unless you're one of those big Vegas shows going in. But you have to be like Britney Spears or something like that. Like I never hear about a comic having a big name.

I guess Carrot Top, he does well. But he's more of a variety show. I mean, he's a comic for sure, but he's more of a variety show because he's got props. He's been in Vegas long enough, like he's more of a variety show because he's got props and he's been in vegas long enough like he's built he's built a show there you know what i mean like people know him it's kind of like siegfried and roy type thing like carrot top is a vegas show yeah he how long has he been in there 10 no idea probably like 10 years he's been in longer than ge. There's no one else, though. What's their name?

Rita Rudner was there. Louis Anderson. Louis had a show there. I didn't remember his. Who else? Didn't Eddie Griffin do something there for a while? I think Eddie Griffin still has a thing at the Rio. But it's not all week.

It's like weeknights at the Rio. It's a weird night thing. It's like a Monday or at the Rio or something. It's a weird night thing. It's like a Monday or a Tuesday. Monday and Tuesday night or something like that. Yeah. I've always wondered what that would be like. Like there was one time we were negotiating to do a, they wanted to do a reality stars thing in Vegas. So they'd have like, like I was going to host it because I won last comic standing.

And then they were going to have like the winner of the country singing. Like they couldn't get the big, you know, the American Idol winners and stuff like that. But it was all the second tier reality shows like the winner of the country music singing show. And the winner of this. There's some show on country music television like American Idol, but for country singers. Meanwhile, it probably gets 20 million people to watch it. Yeah. And they wanted all of us to do a show,

and I had hoped it went because I wanted to see what it would be like to just be on a Vegas show for like to live in Vegas and work in Vegas for six months. You would go crazy. Think so? Yeah, I think you'd go crazy, and I think your world would get very weird. I think your world gets weird if you live there. I think there's something strange about weird. I think your world gets weird if you live there. I think there's something strange about being in a city that is a— I love Vegas.

I love working there. I love doing the UFC there, but I love getting the fuck out of there just as much as I love getting there. Yeah, a week is pretty much as much Vegas as you can— I never even do a week. I do two days. That's all I've ever done. And even two days, when Sunday rolls around, I take the fucking 6 a.m. flight out.

And I'm not kidding. I've stayed up all night. And then I say, well, I'm just going to have a fucking Red Bull and play with my kids on Sunday morning. I'm going to stay awake. Fuck this. I'm getting out of here. I'm not taking some noon flight or 1 p.m. flight. And the last thing you want to do is try to drive.

Yeah, not on a weekend. If you're going to drive out of Vegas, you better leave at Saturday night at 5 a.m. Yeah. You better leave. You got to do is try to drive. Yeah, not on the weekend. If you're going to drive out of Vegas, you better leave at Saturday night at 5 a.m. You better leave. You got to do it. Because otherwise it's going to take forever. I know people, it's take eight, nine hours. When I go, when I do a club, Jamie, I'll hang out.

I don't hang out on the strip. Like I'll go to a gym somewhere off the strip and I'll go eat somewhere off the strip. And then you're there at night and that's okay. But the idea, and I'm not a gambler, like the idea of just being in that casino doing that for a week. But I've talked to people who work there and they're like, if you work here, you don't even hear the bells. Like they walk to the stage, you know what I mean?

They have a thing, they don't even hear the bells. Like, they walk to the stage. You know what I mean? They have a thing. They go on stage. Go on stage, do your show, leave, go home. You live somewhere else away from the strip. That makes sense. Well, I know people that live in Henderson. Like, my buddy Max lives in Henderson. Like, you know, nice suburb.

He loves it. You know, he's a professional pool player. A lot of pool action in Vegas. And there's a lot of people that live outside of it that really like it. I don't know. Do you know Matt King? Matt King, no. Matt does it.

He's a magician. He has like an afternoon show, I think, at Harrah's. But he's been there. He just sold his two millionth ticket. He's been there forever. It's his gig. And he loves it. And, you know, it's like a one hour show at like four in the afternoon for the whole family.

It's like clean. And he loves it. Yeah. And he's been there 15 years. Well, if you had to choose between living in Vegas and living in Toledo, I'll take fucking Vegas every goddamn day of the week. No offense, Toledo. But you know what the fuck I'm saying. I think there's something weird, though, about living in a city that is the place

that people go to get crazy. Yeah, well, you have to get away. That's why you can't. I don't know anyone who lives there who goes to the Strip on a regular basis. Yeah. Anyone I know who lives in Vegas, they're like, yeah, I'll go.

Occasionally there's a show they'll go to, or they'll take their friends there when their friends visit. But otherwise, they just don't go to the strip. Have you ever been to that bar on the top of Vegas, the top of the, is it Mandalay Bay? I think it's Mandalay Bay. The bar on the top where it looks out over like, it's like the most insane view. Like the 50th floor or something like that yeah it's insane and you you get up there and you look out at all that neon and all that craziness and it literally is like an image of the future from a science fiction movie like if you were in the

1920s or something like that and and people like imagine what do you think it's going to be like in 2015 well this is what they would probably imagine. See, the thing I love about Vegas, and I've always said, if somebody came from another country, they're like, I want to see America. I got five days. We're going to Vegas. Because, you know, you get the buffet at Circus Circus,

right? And you see the American hillbilly in his, you know, natural environment, right? then you you go to like the bellagio and you see that you know the beautiful millionaires and you just that's the thing i love about vegas like it is the craziest if you watch the strip you will see the craziest collision of cultures you know that's true is that a pimp talking to a kansas city grandma yeah this is vegas yeah and that's a genuine pimp right there in a green suit yeah he's right there walking the strip you know

you just that's what i love about vegas it is it is the best and worst of america it's like fine dining you know what i mean like just the just the steakhouse with the greatest cut of meat you've ever had or $3.99, all you can eat, shrimp. Oh, yeah, that's shrimp. Nathan's hot dogs. Yeah. The Circus Circus is a classic one. The Riviera used to be classic, but they're tearing that fucker down, man. Yeah, they're tearing the rip down.

God. Now it's all the corporate mall casinos where you can't tell which one you're down. Yeah, they're tearing the rip down. God. Now it's all the corporate mall casinos where you can't tell which one you're in. Yeah. Well, they're just trying to rake up money, especially they were hit hard during the downtime of the economy. In 2008, when the economy crashed,

I was in Vegas, and I was asking one of the guys who was a cab driver, I said, what do you think? How much is it down here? And he goes, it's about 50%. Yeah. I went, laid off a ton of people. Like the hotels were empty and, and all those, yeah, cab drivers and all that other stuff. A lot of them lost all the service people, all the people that were, you know, dependent upon folks hopping around town and

also giving out tips, you know, when people and the money's tight, those tips are the first thing that dry up. Yeah. Like, you're on your own, bitch. You know, that whole industry of people relying on people coming there, that's a very tricky, tricky thing. And then the housing thing dropped. They built all those condos and all of that.

You remember Shay Mitosh? No. Shay Mitosh is a comic from a comedy store. She accidentally married two different gay guys. She's fucking hilarious. She married two different dudes and it turns out they were gay. Fucking attracting gay guys. But she bought a house out there for like $100,000.

And she said it's amazing. She said it's a great house in a nice neighborhood. She goes, I got a yard. I got a great kitchen. I know a few people who did that. You can get a real house there. A buddy, Don Barnhart, he did that. He moved there, bought a nice neighborhood. She goes, I got a yard. I got a great kitchen. I know a few people who did that. Yeah, I got a friend. You can get a real house there. A buddy, Don Barnhart, he did that. He moved there, bought a nice house,

him and his wife, and he's been there for years. And if you live in LA, the idea of a nice $100,000 house, it's like a fucking unicorn. Like, what are you talking about? $100,000, that's it? That's all you have to pay? That's a down payment on a house.

Yeah. But you know, in America, you see that. You know i mean like i was in indianapolis and um i don't know if you ever did bob and tom yeah and so you know the houses out there yeah and i was like so how much i was like that's about 350 yeah for it what like my townhouse costs more than like i could live like a king yeah you could have a palace in indianapolis but i gotta live in indianapolis that is the problem with all due respect to indianapolis it's not happening with all due respect alonzo staying in la but you got to think like like we were talking about with tany pascatelli as a touring comic you really you you know your home becomes just a base and you travel out of it.

If you have somewhere with, I remember Schimmel telling me, because Schimmel moved to Scottsdale. Yeah. And he said, man, I got a beautiful house. He said, I got a great airport. He said, that's all you need. Yeah. He said, if you're a road comic, if you got a good airport, you can live anywhere you want. Yeah, that is all you need. But when you leave L.A. or New York,

you give up the weekday spots, and you give up the auditions and this and that. There is an aspect of the business you give up when you leave New York and L.A. The weekday spots are big. The weekday spots and also being around great comics. Tom Rhodes just moved to L.A., and Tom has been Tom has been like living

like like a vagabond like he just lives out of a suitcase been living hotel to hotel for years I think for like five years he hasn't had an actual address and he came to the Comedy Store and it was like a Friday night or something like that he saw you know burr was on. It was just a packed fucking room, madness, just one smash after another. All these people were there that were really high level. It was just a great night of comedy. Neil Brennan killed. I think Chappelle might have stopped in that night.

It was just madness. And then he said i gotta fucking i gotta move here he's like i can't he goes i'm not seeing good comedy yeah it's too easy to uh it's too easy to rest yeah when you're on the road and then you come here even last week like tuesday night when we did dom show yeah and it was like me joey and you yeah with Dom Herrera. I don't get that in indie. You're not going to get that. And it elevates your own level because you realize, I've got to ramp my game up.

Yeah. And like I was saying before, that joke you did about wiggers, Joey and I were howling on the phone laughing about that one joke. We were cracking it. That's important for comics. Yeah, you have to get into town. And New York now is going crazy like that. But it pushes you because you're like, man, like these guys are good.

Like I got to stay sharp. And now you have the next generation coming up. And they're doing like, I like working some of those alternative rooms and some of those youngster rooms just to be around something different. Like not the bullshit side, but the ones who are real comics, but they're coming up and they're just funny,

but they're doing it in a different way. Yeah. Yeah, I like being around that. Well, there's a group that are coming up now that grew up with the internet. Yeah. This is the first generation of stand-up comedians, these guys that are in their early 20s. You've got to think, 1994, 20 fucking one years ago, that's when the Internet came around.

Yeah. They all grew up with the Internet. When they were five and six years old. All technology is normal to them. Totally normal and a part of life. So we start talking about looking at encyclopedias like what would you break out the scrolls of the elders did you go to the the sacred cabin in the woods where they kept the scrolls and then the other side when you see older comics who don't change their act so they'll make like a videotape reference and you're like

videotape that's the worst you know and you got to set the clock on your set the clock what you've heard someone do a joke like that recently in the past three years i've heard i've heard set the clock on the vcr there's nothing sadder than a lot of these uh these guys that just don't write anymore. There's something about, like, musicians can pull that off. Like, musicians from the 1960s can do the same songs. If you went to see, you know, fill in the blank, you know, whatever band, and they were doing some shit from the 1960s, you'd be like,

oh, shit, that's a great song. But if you went to see a comic and they were doing jokes from the 1960s, you'd be like, what kind of sadness am I looking at? Like I said, I do these jazz cruises, and I love it because I get to work with some of the greatest jazz musicians in the world, and they're brilliant.

But I bring that up, and they love when I fuck with them about it because I'm like, look, I got to do a show Monday, and then I do another show Friday, and I got to do two different shows. You are playing some shit Miles Davis wrote in 1947 and they think you're a fucking genius. You are playing some shit that Dizzy Gillespie played after the war. That would

be World War II and they think you're brilliant. But I fuck with them. They love it though. Because it is true when you're a musician and if you have a hit song, you have to play that song you know no matter how old it is or whatever it is like yeah you have to do that song and like if i do a joke like uh we heard that one and and i could never be like all right it's from eddie murphy and delirious 1983

i'd like to do gunny goo Hoo. Yeah. There's no cover comics. There used to be. Do you remember Elon Gold? Yeah. He used to do impressions of comedians and doing it with their own material. Yeah. But then people started getting mad at him. Because his impressions were dead on. He did amazing impressions, but he would do

it with their material. But that's funny because you're doing it. You're not doing it you're not doing it as if you came up with it yourself right right you know but he still had to stop doing it he got in trouble a little bit people got mad at him i don't know who got mad at him but that's what i'd heard so then he started doing impressions of these comics with material that he wrote i heard some guy did an hour of patrice and put it on YouTube as if it was his own. Well, he had done a bunch of other stuff that Patrice had done in the past and not acknowledged it.

And he tried to pretend that it was obviously just an homage to Patrice. But it wasn't. It wasn't. He's just a plagiarist. That's insane. People are insane. Yeah. People think they can get away with shit.

There's a lot of nutty people out there that think that they're going to sneak by. And, you know, some of them do because the audience doesn't know. You know, we know, but the audience doesn't. So you fool the audience. There's some guys to this day that snuck by. You tell people, that guy, he got famous by being a plagiarist. You're like, what? And they go, yeah, go Google it. And you'll tell them, they'll go plagiarist. You're like, what? And you go, yeah, go Google it.

And you'll tell them, they'll go Google it. And like, what? Yeah, but they don't care. They do. They do. You know what you can always tell? I don't know. I wonder if the artist cares.

Like if the comic or the whoever, you know what I mean? They care. Look what you said. You know it when you're, like you can bullshit the crowd and you can make millions of dollars. But then you're in the room or you're on the show with the real comics. And you know, just same thing with singers. You know what I mean? If you're one of these singers where the machine is doing it, but now you're in a situation like, oh shit.

Award show. Yeah. These are like, you call yourself a diva, but Aretha Franklin's in the room. And you're like, oh shit, this isn't gonna go well. They care because what you were saying, that the respect of the old guard,

the respect of respected comedians coming up to you. We've all had, I tell that the Damon Wayans one, I'll never, I'll never forget that because it was in the parking lot. I was like, whoa, he probably doesn't even remember, you know, but just becoming friends with Robert Schimmel, you know, I'm like, I'm really friends with Robert Schimmel. Like he's real, he's a real comic and I'm friends with him.

Like, I guess I'm a comic now. Like I'm a, I can be a comedian. Like it doesn't seem like now we both, we've like, I guess I'm a comic now. Like, I can be a comedian. Like, it doesn't seem, like, now we both, we've been around so long, it's just normal. But, damn, the beginning is so fucking shaky. Yeah. And you still, I think there'll always be some moments with some comics where you're like, wow.

Yeah, for sure. That's really cool that I noticed I'm friends with this guy or whatever. Uh-huh. So those guys don't have that. Those guys know that we know that they're full of shit. Yeah. That eats away at them. I mean, that always ate away at Mencia.

That was one of Mencia's biggest things is that no comics liked him. Right. Those biggest things that you never got anybody's respect. They used to chew away at him. Yeah, it's a tough place. And then the other thing that's funny is when they take an actor and they call him a comic. Yeah.

That's what happened with Michael Richards. That's what happened with Richards. It was like, you're not a comic. You know what happened with Michael Richards? The same shit that got you arrested. Yeah. Michael Richards came to the comedy store before he went to the Laugh Factory, coked out of his mind. Yeah.

And he was just all real aggressive and talking crazy shit and just wasn't just was out of it just out of it but i watched him go up at the comedy store and uh my initial thought was like oh shit i don't even know michael richards stand-up and he would go on stage and the audience went nuts but then three minutes in they were like when does this guy start telling jokes like when did it what he do i'd watch him and it'd be done then he would just do a seinfeld move like the head shake something like that from seinfeld and the crowd would love it for a little bit nothing yeah well you got it you know that's the thing that's the beauty of stand-up no matter who you are right even seinfeld said that like no matter who you are you got to be funny like he was like being jerry seinfeld got

me the first five minutes yeah and then they're like all right what else you got yeah i mean this fucking show's an hour long dude you better come with some thunder what do you this cosby thing man we're talking about that about like how this guy, for the longest time, was thought of as one of the all-time greats. And now people look at him and they think, well, he's a guy that's just a piece of shit. That flip-flop between being this respected, adored, idolized, all-time great comedians. Like if you had to pick a Mount Rushmore stand-up comedy, and there's only four guys on there, one of those fucking guys until the last year,

one of those guys is going to be Bill Cosby. Yeah. You know, I'm so torn because I love Cosby. I think Cosby's one of the greatest, if not the greatest of all time. Definitely would be on the Mount Rushmore. So now it's like, like okay still a great comic but bad guy yeah you know at best flawed human being but i don't understand i'll never understand the motive it had to be and it's just my opinion there had to be some weird fetish involved

because it's not like you can't get laid if you're Bill Cosby. I think he probably. There had to be some kind of weird turn on or something. I'd be interested in what a psychologist would say. Like, why does someone do this? I think a lot of people used to do it. That's what I think. You think so? I think in the 1960s dosing people wasn't...

You know how we were talking about drunk driving? In the early days, drunk driving was no big deal. I think they used to think the same way about dosing people. Bill Cosby used to have a whole bit about Spanish fly. About giving a girl a Mickey and she gets all horny and fucked up.

You're drugging someone against their will. They don't know up. I mean, you're drugging someone against their will. They don't know it. I think that was a normal thing. It was never a good thing. Ethical, moral, reasonable people never did it. But I think it was way more common than we would like to believe. Yeah, maybe.

I think people dosed people. I think it was like, you remember that scene in Animal House where the girls passed out, the dudes get the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other shoulder? Yeah, yeah. And you know, like, leave her alone. Fuck her, fuck her brains out, suck her tits. Like, you couldn't even do that today.

You couldn't have that in a movie today because that's rape. Yeah. But back then, it was like there was at least the possibility that this guy was considering having sex with this passed out woman. least the possibility that this guy was considering having sex with this passed out woman and then today the the drug thing like the cosby thing drugging someone is thought of as a heinous crime like you drug people and you raped them it's a heinous crime well and and it was then but yeah you're maybe society looked on it differently or maybe it was something amongst the boys yeah that you did i don't i don't really know playboy mansion and

it it's you know it's it's horrible for everyone involved you know what i mean it's horrible for the women involved it's horrible for what's happened to his lifelong reputation is all gone now you know it and it's almost it was like with with Michael Jackson, like there's a generation that only thought of him as a freak. And it's like, you guys really don't understand who he was musically through the 70s and 80s. Yeah. Because in the 90s, he just became a freak show, you know. When I was a kid, there was a radio station in LA, or in Boston, rather. It was called The Rock of Boston. I think it was called WCOZ. I in boston rather it was uh called um the rock of boston w i think it was

called wcoz i think that's what it was and they played michael jackson when michael jackson came out and i remember the dj saying look i know what you're saying that this is dance music but listen this is just a great song and the guy played um, I think it was, I'm trying to remember what song it was. It might have been Beat It. I don't know what it was. But it was like that, like Thriller, when Thriller came out, everybody just stepped back and just went, what the fuck? This is just genius on a level that no one had been able to reach before. Yeah, I did this award thing,

and they were giving an award to Quincy Jones, and he produced Thriller. And I was joking with him about it. I said, you know, Quincy Jones, the brothers didn't know who Eddie Van Halen was. What is Eddie Van Halen doing on a Michael Jackson record? Only Quincy would think, yeah, let's get the baddest rock guitarist and have him do a solo with Michael Jackson.

The brothers was like, who? He played guitar, you know. But that was, yeah. But people don't know. And the videos. Yeah. Because that was when video just started. And he had dance shit.

Like when he did that thing in Smooth Criminal where he leaned forward, you're like, that's not humanly possible. Yeah. You know? No, he was like no one before him there was no one that you could compare him to right like you could say you look at Elvis and you go yeah Elvis was a really good singer and a good performer but Elvis kind of borrowed a little bit from the old rhythm and blues guys and they borrowed a little bit from the way Chuck Berry used to dance and there was a little bit of this and a little bit of that when michael jackson came along you gotta go okay yeah compare that to anything and the other thing about michael jackson

and it and i always said that this is the part people don't talk about like he was world famous at 10. like when you talk about he's fucked up, can you imagine everyone in the world knowing who you were when you're like 10 years old? Like, you know, by the time you're 15, adult women pass out. Like, can you imagine walking into a room and having people pass out? Just because you walked in a room,

they're overcome and they literally faint. Like, how does that affect you, you know, as a as a person well i think we all have that weird effect um when we meet someone who we can't believe we're really meeting them we're just like taken aback like whoa we've all been starstruck before we've all had that weird effect even if it's on at a low level like you know you're at a comedy club when chris rock shows up right like like whoa shit chris i mean you could be a professional comic, and Louis C.K. is there. You're like, oh, shit, Louis C.K. is here.

When that guy would walk into a room, it was that times a million. Right. There was nothing like it, and no way to prepare for it, and he never had a normal life. Like, you were talking about your career as an airplane mechanic, and, like, you knew regular people.

You had regular jobs you've been in jail you know the all the whole deal you ran the whole gamut as an as a grown adult human being this kid remember when he was in the jackson five and his fucking brothers his brothers who were all grown-ass men had to sit back and watch their little brother just run shit because their dad gave birth to this one just super genius. Like they had all these kids, and everybody was really talented, LaToya and Janet and Jermaine. Everybody was talented.

But then there was this little motherfucker, the last one out of the box, that just had magic. Right. He had magic. And then you're getting back to Cosby, what you were talking about. The other thing is, like, how many hundred million dollars did he give to United Negro College Fund? Like, there were kids like, yeah, Bill Cosby paid for my college education. You know what I mean?

So it's just such a weird thing. Well, that's often like human beings that are flawed. They're not flawed in every way. Right. They're not all bad. And there's a lot of people that do terrible things, they're actually really good with other things yeah it's uh and it's you know yeah it's crazy it's crazy my friend eddie has an interesting theory about bill cosby he said you know what at the end of the day bill cosby at even though he was super famous and he

probably got turned down he probably got turned down. He probably got turned down occasionally. It probably drove him crazy and didn't like it. And so when like one of these, one of the stories that I was listening, I was reading rather, where the girl was talking about her experiences with Bill Cosby, that it started out this like mentor friendship

sort of relationship. Then eventually he drugged her and then fucked her while she was passed out. And then she just felt violated and horrible but it was this mentor thing that he would angle in first and then when he couldn't get the that way he was like oh okay have a cappuccino right you want a cappuccino here you go boom and the next thing you know she's passed out like he got tired of working for it and decided to just go back to his bag of tricks might have been i again i have no

i have no idea because i i can't imagine it's also you know because it's something i can't imagine doing so i don't know what the motivation would be yeah you know what i mean like it's it's it's so evil yeah yeah and you know this woman was on television talking about it and uh i think she was a lawyer and she was saying you know, this woman was on television talking about it, and I think she was a lawyer. And she was saying, you know, they were talking about the legal ramifications. And apparently one of these women, her accusation is inside of the statute of limitations. Yeah, but they're not going to bring him to trial. You don't think so?

No. What do you think is going to happen? It's going to cost him a lot of money. He's going to pay, you know, whether it be some like, I think it's Gloria Allred a lot of money he's gonna pay whether it be some like I think it's Gloria Allred has the class action lawsuit so whether it's like okay we give her a ton of money and she divides it up amongst

the women or they just come up and she goes on a fucking crazy trip and buys a Rolls Royce and fingers herself with a gold dildo or they come up with something else like you know what I thought was like weird and it was old dildo or they come up with something else like you know what i thought was was like weird and it was funny but in a horrible way with jared oh yeah where jared paid like a 1.4 million so that 14 victims get a hundred thousand each and it was like okay so 14 kids who he solicited he offered money for sex the solution

is to pay them each a hundred thousand dollars out of the settlement that shit just you know it's a horrible thing to laugh at but it's like isn't there something wrong with that but that's how it's gonna go down well there's another parallel that jared and bill cosby are like in that bill cosby is undoubtedly a piece of shit all right at this point in time anybody thinks he's not guilty you gotta be crazy right so he's a piece of shit but he's also one of the greatest comics of all time yeah you can't take that away from him and jared from subway he still lost 100 pounds no matter what he said that's hard it's hard to lose 100 pounds. He might have fucked a few kids, but that guy lost 100 pounds.

And he did it eating shitty sandwiches. Yeah. So it's even more impressive. I mean, if you're eating Subway sandwiches and still losing 100 pounds, you're fucking putting in some work. How bad is it? It's running uphill. Jared gets to say, well, I got one thing in common, Cosby.

Like, eh. Not really. That's not. No, nothing. Not really. That's not. No, nothing in common. What a fucking freak. What a fucking freaky creep. And again, nobody knew it when his best friend was like a pedophile. How did his best friend come out as a pedophile?

Is that recent? Is that a recent discovery? That's how they found him was through his best friend. I don't know when they knew it about his best friend, but his best friend ran his charity organization. And I don't know if his friend was a registered sex offender or when it came up, but that's what led to Jared. First the friend and then...

Really? Yeah. I did not know that. Mm-hmm. Yeah, now that you're saying that i remember briefly i by the time i was it was on my radar he was already arrested yeah he was already going to jail no i i first heard about it when his friend got arrested and they were like this guy runs jared's charity organization and i don't know if he had anything to do with kids like if it was like you know

little league or whatever but there was something wrong with this guy being involved in the charity and helping children there's no worse because they're both awful but somehow it is worse somehow fucking kids is worse than drugging people and having sex with them. Yeah. I mean, when you do it with kids. It's all worse. It's all sick. But I think the thing about kids is like kids aren't sexual. Yeah. You know, women are women.

Like if you have a sexual attraction to women, that is normal. I mean, drugging them and raping them isn't, but they are women. But with kids, there's nothing sexual about a kid. Well, how old were they? Didn't he have sex with some 15-year-olds? They were probably pretty sexual. They might have been, but I think some, I don't know. Well, they only, part of his plea was only one count.

So he's only, like, in other words, they're only charging him with one, even though there were others involved. So, but even so, you others involved so you know what's really so you know something you know what's funny about that like you talk about a 15 year old and like we were talking about this the other night you know like when when the 50 year old guy has the 16 year old like a 15 16 year old girl could hot, but she's still 15 or 16 if you're an adult man. If you're over 20, 21, you're still like-

If you're 18 and the girl's 16, that makes sense. Yeah. If you're 48. Yeah. She's a kid. That's a baby. She's a kid. And she may have developed.

She may have the body. She may walk around half naked. Don't be alone with her. Get out of the room. You can't. Yeah. You got to Get out of the room. You can't. You got to get out of the room. It's still a kid. It just doesn't, you know.

It's not the same thing. The problem with someone who's developed, though, instincts are horrible. Instincts are horrible. If you got a girl like that girl I was talking about in Houston that Ian and I met that had this tiny waist, this big juicy ass, she was a grown woman. But she was probably built like that when she was 14.

I had a buddy. He's a principal now, but he taught high school when he was like 23, 24. So he's the guy that the 16- and 17-year-old girls, they want him. And it was like, man, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it i don't know how you do it because these girls are coming at you hard and their their bodies are perfect and they're wearing nothing you know what i mean because they're 16 right so they're wearing it's like and and they're just starting to be aware of it yeah yeah and they and he's a man like he's not

the 17 year old boy like he's a man but he's not the 17-year-old boy. He's a man, but he's not an old man. Right. He's not old, creepy guy. And they're only a few months away from legally fucking him. Oh, man. He was a better man than me. I couldn't. Let me tell you something.

In my early 20s, have to work at a high school? No. When I was in high school, there was this kid that was a, not kid, guy. He would be a kid now if I was talking about him because he was in his 20s. He's a Spanish teacher. And he fucked one of my friends. She was 15. She was, at the time, I think, actually I think she was 17.

But still, you know, he was fucking her. She was in high school. Yeah, it happens. And he was a Spanish teacher and he was fucking her. It happens. This was pre-internet. She couldn't rat him out. her she was in high school yeah he was a spanish teacher and he was her it happens and this is pre-internet she couldn't rat him out yeah but it's not pre-dad got a gun yeah yeah no it's not pre-dad got a gun because that's some that they will not convict you well ages of consent are very strange man it gets and there's all sorts of weird gray areas

that come along with ages of consent. Like here's one of the issues that's happening right now with kids and technology is that young people are taking photographs of themselves naked and passing it out to their friends and then getting busted for child pornography. Like there was a girl that she's 15 years old, and she would send dudes pictures of her pussy. And, you know, just, and it sent it to him in text messages.

The cops arrested her and charged her with trafficking child pornography to other children. Yeah, that's, it's one of those that if they want to bring you down, they can use that charge. But they couldn't. She wound up getting cleared of it because the judge was like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, what do you, how come you're not out there arresting robbers? Why are you trying to stop a young girl from showing a picture of her pussy? Yeah, it's one of those things. Like I said, they can charge them with it.

They don't always. But there's a time if they want to bring you down. I think it's one of those things they use as a threat against you. But again, it's just, you know, I do not want any 15 year old pussy pictures on my phone. I don't, you know, you hear me joke about like the young. No, I don't. Too much trouble. Yeah. Too much drama, energy, whatever.

Nope. No, thanks. I got a friend who's a dentist and he's in his his 50s, and he's divorced, and he's talking about dating. We were talking about it, and I go, do you like, how old are the girls that you date? He goes, well, here's the thing. He goes, I don't mind a mature lady. He goes, I don't mind a lady my age. He goes, I'm not a young guy anymore.

He goes, I'm 58 years old. He goes, I'm just looking for some nice company and go to dinner and he goes but he goes there's two different things going on he goes you got the younger ones that are like in their 30s they just want to fuck he goes they want to fuck and then they want to get out of there and he goes then you get the older ones they want to they want to settle down but they want everything to be their way yeah because they're all like they're in their 40s these are grown what they're not m malleable. And that was interesting. He was talking about how he goes, these women are set in their ways.

Well, I'm that guy. I'm the old bachelor. How old are you now? I'm 53. Damn, you look good. Black don't crack. Black don't crack. It just ends badly one day.

You look great for 53, though, man. You could seriously pose for 35 easy the girls the in their 20s it's just too young like like on occasion if i get some 20 year old pussy it's a gift from the gods yeah god was like all right i'm gonna give you this don't get attached to it just you know just enjoy the day. No kids? No, no kids. Wow. How'd you do that?

So started comedy late. Started comedy at 30. So in my 30s, when most people have kids and start relationships, I was an open mic-er. Wow. And I did not want the obligation of a family, you know? It's hard, man. I have a friend who is married and and he has children he's just starting out doing comedy and he doesn't know what to do and he he can't he can't struggle the way we struggled right he can't go and just do a set for 75 bucks five hour drive away right all that

shit you can't do all that so that was so that was that but, you know, dating like I started seeing this woman and she's in her late 40s. And it's fantastic because she's got a son, but he's, you know, almost like he's in his late teens. So that's not a big hassle. And she's a woman. She's comfortable with who she is and everything's cool and stuff. But yeah. And then you get some the worst ones for me. And, yeah, and then you get some, the worst ones for me, early to mid-30s, when a date is an interview. Oh. It's like. So when you do find the right girl, how long do you think it would be before you got married? Yeah, yeah.

So why don't you have kids? Are you open to it? Do you think about it? You know, blah, blah, blah. What do you say to that? once you have kids, are you open to it? Do you think about it? You know, blah, blah, blah.

What do you say to that? I tell them, like, look, I didn't have the right one at the right time. I said, now I'm open to it. It could happen, but I'm not really looking at being an old dad. You know, I joke about it. Like, if I have a kid now when he's 16, if I say you can't have the car, and he says, yes, I can, there ain't shit I'm going to be able to do about it. I'd be like, son of a bitch took my car. Give me 69.

Son of a bitch took my car. Look at Stallone at 69. He's fucking yoked still. Yeah, yeah. The world's changed. Some guys do it. Stay in the gym. Smoke that crack and fucking hit those weights.

Some guys do it and some guys have that. I could have it. Like they say, as a man, you could always have a kid, but do you want to? and fucking hit those weights. Some guys do it and some guys have that. I could have it. Like they say, as a man, you could always have a kid, but do you want to? I think now it would be more likely if I met a woman who had a young kid and I took them on as a stepchild or something like that. That would be more likely to happen.

How crazy is it you're 53 and Joey's 52? Yeah. That's living. that's living that's living that's fucking hard miles baby man you know something we'll all be gone and joey will still be here and probably like cockroaches like that's how it you know that's how it happens isn't it true with comics that comics either die too young or live forever? Yeah, a lot of them, right? You don't hear about a comic dying at 68 years old. That's true.

I think laughter is the best medicine, like that idea. I think there is something real about the fact that you're making people laugh all the time. You're having a good time, a lot of laughter and fun. I mean, we have more laughs on a regular basis than a great percentage of the people. Yeah, because our friends are the funniest people in the world. Like you and I the other night, Tuesday night, hanging out at the Laugh Factory,

we were just howling laughing, just howling, ah, ha, ha, ha, and then you leave there, your whole body's like, ah, you're energized, and you do that all the time and there's nothing terrible i mean our whole work day was like we both did 20 minutes right well this is it like people ask me what are you doing today i'm doing joe's podcast like that's my this is my job today but the i think the other thing is we don't stop doing it yeah you know because like my business manager she's like well you know we got this retirement thing set up and this.

And I said, really? When have you ever heard of a comic retiring? She's like, what do you mean? I said, we die. That's what we do. We do this, and then we die. We might work less. Well, you'll find a different niche.

It may end up doing the old folks home circuit in Florida, but I'm still going to be doing my 20-minute spots at 7 o'clock. Well, look at Carlin. I'm doing 20 after Jell-O. Didn't Carlin die in a hotel room somewhere? Yeah. On the road or whatever. You know, died in his hotel room. Well, even, um, what's his name?

George Burns. Like he died at a hundred, but like he did his last set at his hundredth birthday or something like, you know what I mean? Like, and, and I remember, I remember when, um, when Rodney was coming to the laugh factory, you know,

and in his last days, Rodney was coming to the laugh factory in a bathrobe. Yep. Remember that? Dude, yeah. He would just come down the hill from his house in his robe. Well,

he performed in front of arenas in a bathrobe. Yeah. I was working when I was 19 years old at Great Woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. It's like this performing arts center. And I was backstage. I was one of the security guards. And Rodney was backstage, and I watched him walk around with a bathrobe on. Well, that's how Rickles was.

But that's because back in the day, you didn't put your pants on because you would mess up the crease. Really? Yeah. There was a Seinfeld episode about that, but it really is true. When Rickles was backstage in Montreal, he was in a robe. I'm going to start performing in a robe. No. Fuck it.

Fuck it. I don't know. I don't know, Joe. I don't know if you're a robe guy. Slippers, a robe, no underwear. I had slippers. Where do you buy slippers? I think you can only get slippers for the month before Christmas.

I think that's the only time slippers are for sale. I guess you get them online. That's about it. I've never seen a store that sells slippers. What are you doing? I'm going online. I'm looking for slippers. You know, Rodney was partying until the fucking very end, too.

That was one of the things that people said about Rodney. He was doing blow and drinking and having a great time smoking joints. Smoked joints for every show to the bitter end. Why not? Why not? You know, because if you're Rodney, you can. What's somebody going to tell you? Hey, hey, Rodney.

Slow down. We don't want you high before this show. Well, Rodney is one of those crazy stories, too, because he took a long time off and was like an aluminum siding salesman. He raised his family or something and then went back to comedy. In his 40s. Yeah. I think it was like 46 when he went back to comedy.

And then hit. And then did, you know, all those movies and all that crazy shit. Yeah, there I am with Rickles in his robe backstage. That's a classic picture, man. Oh, my God. That is classic. Yeah. Look at him with the knee-high socks in his robe.

Dude, send that to me. I want to put that on Instagram. Yeah, I will. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's hilarious. But that was a different generation. Different generation, and someone's going to be saying that about us someday. Yeah. Those guys used to work in T-shirts.

What were they thinking? Those guys used to, there was no internet when they started. They had to promote themselves by going to local radio shows. People were like, ew, they had radio back then? going to local radio shows people like ew they had radio back then yeah but that works sometimes you know if it was a good market if it's a yeah or if it's the if it's the morning guy who's been there for 30 years yeah if it's a good on his show do they still have those there's a guy in rochester wheeze oh yeah brother wheeze brother wheeze is still around.

Still kicking it. Yeah. And it's like in the morning in Rochester, everyone listens to Brother Weez. Like you literally go on there and sell out your show. Wow. Yeah. There's a few of those guys. Johnny Dare in Kansas City.

Yeah. There's a few of those guys that are still out there. There used to be a good one in Phoenix. I wonder if they's still one. There's been a few that like still, but it's fucking hard, man. Yeah, now it's the syndicated guys have taken over the whole country. Yeah, guys like a Bob and Tom that have like 100 different markets. Or Steve Harvey.

Does he do that? Yeah, he's got a big radio show, Tom Joyner. Steve Harvey's one of those dudes, like, he's got so many jobs. He does so many things, and he puts out a new book, like, every year. Does he write those books? I think he probably wrote the first one. I don't know how much he writes. I don't know how much more.

But it's not, and the funny thing is, it's not like any genius advice, you know what I mean? Like, well, if you want to keep a good man, don't be a hoe. You know, like wear your dress a little longer, put away your hoe shoes, you know, stuff like that. It's like, oh, yeah, I never thought of that. Oh, so I shouldn't be a hoe. He's an odd character, that Steve Harvey.

Yeah, I met him once. We joked around a little while he was hosting the Apollo and I did it and he was cool but I don't know him you know I don't have any relationship with him I had somebody the other day text me can I

get them tickets to Kevin Hart shit I couldn't get me tickets to Kevin Hart? Shit, I couldn't get me tickets to Kevin Hart. I did BET with Kevin Hart once in 01. I don't think Kevin's going to stop shit and say, oh, fuck, Alonzo's at the door? Well, they think that we know everybody, that you know everybody. There's so many people in that business.

But even when you know people, there's certain times when it's a little, I think it's a little awkward to hit them up. Yeah. You know, like Chappelle was doing a bunch of shows in Montreal. And I know him. I don't know him well, but I know him. But I just bought tickets.

I'm not going to, you know what I mean, try to get to him. And then, like, then it gets fucking awkward, you know, because you know a thousand people are hitting him up. Right. While you're up there. So it's like, you know, I you know a thousand people are hitting them up. Right. While you're up there. So it's like, you know, I'd rather just go and have a good time. Yeah, those are the awkward calls or texts you get from people that you barely know and they want something from you. Yeah. You're like, hmm.

Yeah. You don't feel weird asking me for this? Right, right. And it doesn't bother them a bit. No, some people are brutal, too. They just keep hitting it. And it's really funny when you ask me for someone else. Yeah.

Like, hey, I heard you on Joe Rogan's podcast. I want to go to UFC. Really? I'm sure they sell tickets. Joey Diaz gets that. He gets that all the time. He gets angry at people. I bet, because you guys are tight.

He gets angry at people. People want to get on this podcast. They try to go through Joey. Right. You can't go through Joey. Joey gets fucking angry. The thing is, the people you would give it to are the ones who will never ask. Exactly.

Yeah. The ones you'd be happy to do it for. They're the ones who would never ask you for anything. Well, there's a lot of people that have that distorted misconception that this business is all about Finding the right connections and then those connections like you have to work those connections, and that's how you get to the business That's how you get although some people do that. Yeah, but they're not good. You're right. It's good one not talent. It's just It's salesmanship backstage

It's it's being everyone's friend one thing that does happen for sure is that you find someone who's really funny and then you go well who's that dude hanging out with and then you find out oh he's got friends well i guarantee you their friends are funny if they're funny like if you know ari shafir you go ari's funny as shit who's ari's friend you know like ari has some friends from new york that i don't even know and then uh i you know he tells me about him and i'm like i want to meet that dude you know like i want to have that guy because they wouldn't be hanging with him if they weren't yeah if he tells you they're funny they're funny you know there's definitely that there's that sort of connection that definitely helps but you got to be talented yeah because if you're not we all

have those few friends that we were friends with back from you know 15 whatever years ago and they're not really that good but you're still kind of friends with them. They're like, hey man, why don't you take me on the road with you? Hey man, how come you never work on your fucking act? Hey man, how come you're not really a comedian? You know the people I admire? The people who weren't funny, who got funny. Because, I mean, I think I was pretty funny from the start,

but I know some people who just weren't, and I admire, because you kept doing it. Hammering at it. Yeah, when nobody believed in you, when nobody thought you were, and maybe you weren't funny, maybe you were just bombing, but you knew there was something there, and you kept doing it. Like, I admire that. I think that's a lot harder than being funny and just going out and being funny.

I think you're right. I don't want to name any names, but I know a few guys that are like that. They just incrementally got better and then just kept chipping away, kept chipping away, and then once they started developing real confidence, then it started taking off for them. Then they started getting some momentum. It's hard to figure out, man. Yeah.

That's why, like you were saying, meeting comedians. Like Kevin James and I taking you for a tour of Montreal. It's like, I'm in. Yeah. I'm in. Yeah. Because it doesn't seem like in the beginning, it just doesn't seem like it's going to work. Fuck.

Right. It's like it's so it's all of it is so slippery. And they're so big. Like, I remember when I started out, when I was opening for Tommy Davidson, like I spent a summer opening for Tommy. And I was like, man, when they say his name, there's more applause than my best joke. Like just saying his name, he got a bigger applause break them. But I always felt like it's funny because sometimes you meet people or you have somebody opening for you. I don't know if you get this because you probably bring yours.

But you're like, how have you been doing this? Oh, 12 years. I'm like, what? And you're hosting? Yeah. Do you have any ambition? Even back then, my thing was like, yeah, I want his job. You know what I mean?

Any headliner I opened for, I wanted to be them. I never thought, I guess I want to open for you for the next nine years. No, fuck. I want your job. But there's a lot of guys that are like local guys, like in Nashville or whatever, that just host when comics are in town. Yeah. You got to get out of those cities. Yeah.

And some do it for fun, which I get. But if you have real ambition in the business, you got gotta be, you know, like I tell openers, it's like, you know what your job is? Be funnier than the middle. Like you need to blow that middle off stage. That's what you have to do. Cause if you want his job, you gotta show you can do it. You know, you sit here and if you gotta announce drinks,

you better come up with a funny way to announce drinks. That's part of your job. Yeah. That's why it's tricky working with people on the road, too. Do you find you ever work with guys that try to steal your shit and step on it? They like twist it around a little bit to fuck with your premises. I've heard guys not so much that a little bit of that, but I've heard them doing something from somebody I know who had been there. You know what I mean?

So they're doing it. And like, that sounds familiar. And then you're like, wait a minute. He was here last month. But, you know, when they do that, they're not going to get out of that. They're not going to get out of that circle. You know what I mean? Say they're a middle act in the South and they're stealing material

from headliners touring the country. You're going to stay a middle act in the South because once you leave, people know who did that. They know who wrote that. Yeah, it's a different world now. Are you doing a podcast at all? Yeah, I do a podcast.

It's very interesting. I love my podcast called who's paying attention and i do kind of a weekly news wrap-up thing but it's just me talking about should i read in the news and and some of you by yourself like bill burr does monday morning podcast some of it is uh some of it is the more insightful stuff that i can't do in the comedy world so i'll give my real opinion on it then other stuff is just me joking about some crazy shit in the news or making fun of some stuff in the news but on occasion i have guests like i did the la podcast festival and i had guests and people like it so i guess i need to uh i need to take it to the next level what is that like what is the podcast festival like?

I've heard of it. It was just. I've never been. It was actually pretty cool. Yeah. It's just doing a lot of podcasts. Like you would do your podcast in a room with a big audience. Right.

That's just it. That's what it is. They have different ballrooms set up, you know, different sizes, I guess, from like 50 seats to maybe a few hundred seats or I don't know what the biggest ones were. But yeah. And you just do your podcast live for an audience there and they do them one after another. So the audience that I guess they buy a ticket and say they might listen to your podcast and then walk out of yours and go listen to todd glass for a while and come listen to me or whatever you know it's like uh excuse me just that a weekend of a podcast all in one place did you do it this year yeah i did it it was fun i was surprised it was last month oh really yeah i was surprised because they had asked me to do it before. And I don't think a lot about my podcast.

Like, I'm always flattered when people listen or when I get to, like, when's the next podcast? Because I do it about every week, but I don't have a set day to do it. And I'm like, you're listening? Well, that's the name of it. Is anybody paying attention? I'm very flattered that you were listening on a regular basis. But, yeah, I like doing it. I like it because I get to just give my opinion on shit, you know.

How long have you been doing it? Episode 120, so it's been about two years. Wow. Those things build, man. Now you're going to get a lot more people listening to it, people listening to this. Yeah, this is fantastic. I mean, this is great because you're one of the big ones and you got a huge following and this and that but it's also because you and me and we talk about it we

don't get to hang that often no we've known each other a long time we cross paths here and there but it's just this was that's why this was always something i wanted to do and fun just because i like you i have a text on my phone well the last text that I had with you was a year ago before this the recent one where we ran into each other at the laugh factory and the last one we were planning on doing a podcast but we just never fucking pulled it off you know and that's how it is

you know because we're both traveling doing our thing and this and that I mean that's the other thing about being friends with comics when you reach the headliner level you don't see each other anymore. Yeah, unless you work together. Yeah, you work together or there's like a festival or a show or something like that. Or the store or the laugh factory or the improv.

That's one of the reasons why I take guys on the road with me, too. You know, I never use like a local guy. I always take people on the road with me because I want to work with. First of all, I want to work with really funny guys. And then I also don't want to be alone yeah i want to work with friends i take people when i can but a lot of times they're like the places don't want to give up a room or they don't they just they're like we got a local guy that we pay 50 bucks a show so if your guy will come in and do 50 bucks you know whatever i always paid i paid for the hotel room i paid extra money for the guys

i always make more money than me i don't know if you're aware of this but even when i didn't even when i didn't i was like uh i i did it too many times by myself and it was a crapshoot like sometimes you'd work on the road and the guys would be fun you'd work with a great middle act and you'd make a new friend right but that was half the time yeah and the other half the time you'd work with idiots and you'd you'd hate yourself and then you'd have to plug your ears while they were on stage because they were so terrible you hated the audience by the time you got up there i hate the places that have their local favorite you know and they put him on your show and either he's like some filthy guy or it's just not funny you know what i mean like it like he's fooling that one audience at that club every week and

he thinks he's great but you're like yeah i've experienced that it's you know and you just or the other thing i hate is when the green room is the hangout for the local comics. Oh, that's the worst. And I've always thought, like, that's why you have a road manager. Yeah. Because you have somebody to say, all right, everybody out. The worst is when they start bullshitting with you, like you're about to go on stage. You're going over your notes, and they want to fuck around and hang out.

They're talking to the waitress and complaining. They're drinking, and you're like, the waitress and complaining they're drinking and you're like what what is this yeah but you're not even working here i remember like this was back when i was opening for tommy we were somewhere and his security guy wouldn't let me in the green room really and i was like a uh you know and i fucked with tommy about it because i knew tommy and i don't think tommy knew but i was yeah, I'm kind of on the show. Friend of his. Like, not just a fan, you know.

But the guy wouldn't let me in. That was the Unliving Color days? Hilarious, yeah. Well, he was huge back then. What is he up to these days? He's touring. He's doing his thing, working live. He did a tour with Tony Rock and some more. Tony Rock is fucking hilarious. That dude is funny yeah tony's

funny so they were on tour they did a tour together but yeah tommy's still around still in the game tony rock is one of those guys like he might have actually been held back by the fact that his brother's chris rock i don't you know i don't know it's funny. I see more similarity in him now than when I first met Tony, but not intentional similarity, just in similarity in the sense that they're brothers. Because he never talked about it, but you know he's Chris's brother. You know what I mean? So it wasn't the same as like the weigh-ins where you know their family and they work together and they do projects and stuff like that. I don't know if Tony's ever been on the same stage as Chris. Whoa. That's kind of crazy.

I don't know. Maybe he has. I'm not saying he hasn't. I don't know. But he never pushed that he's Chris Rock's brother, but you know he's Chris Rock's brother. Yeah, but I'm saying that he's so good that people almost don't take him seriously because he's the brother of one of the greatest comics of all time. Yeah.

He doesn't get the props that he deserves. Right, because people think he's—but he's not riding his brother. No, no. In any way. In any way. It's like the opposite of nepotism. He almost suffers from it in some sort of way. So he's not Jim Belushi. Yeah.

Like Charlie Murphy jokes around about being Eddie Murphy's brother. He's like, people are just yelling at him, Charlie Murphy! They're yelling at him. And he goes, does that ever get tired? And he goes, no. He goes, as long as they're not saying there's Eddie Murphy's brother. Because for years, I was just Eddie Murphy's brother. He goes, I'm happy when people yell out Charlie Murphy.

They know my fucking name. Yeah, I guess that's the price you pay when there's fame or talent like that in the family. And just such immense fame and talent, too. I mean, in those two situations, Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock, two of the funniest, most famous guys of all time. Right. And you, you know.

And they have brothers that do stand-up, too. Yeah. That's a grind. Well, that was, I just watched Chris Farley documentary. Oh.

And his brother's on stage doing stand-up. Whoa. And it's like, I mean, he's talking about how funny Chris was and stuff, but it's like, I mean, he's talking about how funny Chris was and stuff, but it's like, yeah, there's only one of those in the family. You know what I mean?

Like, that's kind of probably not going to be another one. No. Well, he was definitely not doing enough coke. Yeah. You got to do more coke if you want to be like Chris. You got to be amped up. But apparently he was like that all his life from when he was a little kid. I met him backstage at the set of NewsRadio.

He was friends with Andy Dick. And Andy Dick was a hard partier, hard, hard. He's all sober now, but he was a hard partier. Chris Farley was there with two very hot looking young girls who looked like they'd been up for days. They were very attractive, but just looked fucked up. And he was gray. And when I mean gray, I mean like wet cardboard gray.

He looked like he could die at any second now. He was sweaty and gray and pale. And his eyes, there was like deep bags under his eyes and he was just on some kind of crazy bender and he was there with these two girls and i had always heard that he was this wild partier it wasn't long after that that he died either but i remember seeing him there like whoa they weren't fucking around like this guy's really doing it but that's what that's what i was talking about. That's when it's not fun. It's not a party.

And what kills guys like that is you have the unlimited money to do that. And you basically have permission to do it as long as you can make another movie or another show or another record or whatever. I read Clapton's book, which was actually really good. And in the beginning of the book, he says, with the amount of drugs and alcohol I did in my life, I should have been dead. And then about two-thirds of the way through the book

is when he sobers up, and you're like, holy shit, how is he not dead? Like when you read about how much he did and the quantities and just that you're like, this guy's not human. Like, yeah, you should have been dead. What was he doing? Just everything. And large amounts of pills and cocaine. And I mean, he talks about he did one show for like 23,000 people in a total blackout, didn't know he was there.

And, you know, yeah, just tons of pills and alcohol. How was the show? Imagine it was pretty good. If you want to hang out, you got to take her out. Yeah, that was the life, though. That was what those guys were embracing. Yeah. There wasn't a generation before. I mean, there was the jazz musicians before them.

You know, there was some of the older blues guys that fucked around with drugs and did heroin and stuff like that. But for the most part, those hard partying rock stars from the 60s and 70s, there was no one before them. Yeah, 60s and 70s was like, they took it. And there were new drugs you know acid was new cocaine was i guess relatively new as on on the consumer level was it really yeah i think cocaine had been around but there weren't a lot of people who did cocaine before the 70s well they would just get it from coca-cola if you wanted to get fucked up early days it was in coca-cola and then do you watch that show narcos did you see i don't know i keep hearing about it If you wanted to get fucked up, just get a Coca-Cola. Yeah, back in the early days, it was in Coca-Cola. Did you watch that show Narcos?

Did you see that? I keep hearing about it, man. I keep hearing it's amazing. I'm in the middle of it now. It's pretty good. But they said that was one of Pablo's things. Pablo Escobar was like, I'm going to put Coke back into Coca-Cola. Calls Coca-Cola.

Well, you know, Coca-Cola still uses cocaine for flavoring. Yeah. They still use coca leaves. They're like one of the biggest producers of medical cocaine. The same company that takes the coca leaves, they extract the cocaine out of it, use whatever flavor. That's why Coca-Cola tastes better than Pepsi. I had medical cocaine. I had liquid cocaine. I cut my retina, like playing ball. And it is pain like you would not, you know, it's as painful as it sounds. And apparently that's what the treatment is. Like he gave me this eye drop and the pain went away instantly. I'm like, what was that? He said, cocaine. Like, can I? And he said, no, we don't prescribe it.

instantly i'm like what was that he said cocaine like can i and he said no we don't prescribe it you got to come in and we put the drop in your eye but yeah it was and it was one of you know how you go to the doctor when you're hurt and you want it to stop hurting right away yeah it did like it was one of those rare times where you go to the doctor like yep that stopped the pain instantly thank you doc wow but that's But that's what they use it. I'm sure it has other uses, but yeah. When I had my nose fixed, they put lidocaine in there, which is like the gay cousin of cocaine. It's like cocaine's less talented brother. And it tastes horrible.

It tastes fuck, but it numbs everything up. But all it does is numb everything up. You don't get sick, but you do get this weird jittery feeling like i went out that night i went to dinner and uh i tried to eat i just i couldn't eat it was like my appetite was all fucked up and i was all and i realized like oh i guess this is like the effects of that lidocaine shit because they've been squirting up my nose and cleaning everything out you know it's weird with drugs what people like you know like like i i went through a surgery and they gave me that morphine drip like oh yeah i got one of those ones yeah and some people love it and i was like this is like it would put me to sleep but i had no desire to to feel like that whereas if you're a heroin addict you want to feel like that all the time.

Maybe I could be a heroin addict then because I fucking loved it, man. I had my ACL reconstructed. You'd go more that way, I think, because you're naturally a high energy, active person. So your high would probably be a slow down, whereas I'm naturally know i'm naturally slow laid back so my high was more up i think that's why i took the pot so well this pot like gave me a chance to slow down and look at things yeah give me because i always felt like most of my life was always like go just fucking go just go just and then get away get out of of your own way. Because the momentum of all the shit I had done before was always knocking out my door. And I'm like, keep moving.

No time for introspective thinking. No time for objectivity. Just fucking run. And if you get success, good. That success justifies all this behavior and motion. So keep going. And pot was the first thing that made me go. Oh, what am I doing like why am i doing this why why well what is the purpose of all this what is what is my path where what what what makes me happy what do i want to do what what makes me

unhappy how do i stop doing that you know like made me think about things in a way but when i had my acl reconstructed the first one, the second one, they didn't do shit. The second one was so easy. I had two and I tell everybody, if you have a chance, then they offer you, there's two different types of, there's three different types they use. They sometimes use hamstring, which is really rough and a lot of rehab. They cut a chunk of your hamstring. It takes a long time for that to come back. And some people, they don't feel like it ever is 100%. And they put that and they use that as a tendon. But I had the patella tendon graft. They take a piece of bone out of your shin and a piece of

bone out of your kneecap. And then they slice the patella tendon and it's connected with these two pieces of bone. And the patella tendon is a very thick wide tendon they use that as a replacement for your ACL I had that done on my left knee and that's the one that did with the morphine drip the right knee they used a cadaver they use an Achilles tendon so it's much thicker than the ACL and it's like 150% stronger and they use that they screw that in place I went to a party five days later I was walking around without crutches I was like this is crazy it was so much better but the first one that patella tendon was like fire was going through my veins it was like I would get up off the couch and I

didn't like take pain pills I hated the way those made me feel I don't remember what it was Percocets or Vicodin's I don't remember which one it was but i remember i sold them to this dude at the pool hall because i was like these are bullshit i hate that i'd rather be in pain than be that stupid yeah but the morphine trip at the hospital was like being it was like having your balls cradled by angels it was just like you were being hugged by god it was like the world was just giving you this big warm hug. Everything was going to be fine. I was on this machine. They constantly straightened my leg and bent it.

It was like this constant motion machine because they're trying to keep your leg from going stiff after they, you know, fucking chisel into it and start putting screws in and all that. So this machine's going. And I'm going,iseling to it and start putting screws in and all that. So this machine's going. And I'm going, click, click, click. And I'm just melting into this fucking bed. And the last time I had that feeling was in the early, maybe the late 90s, I guess it was. Must have been the late 90s because I remember I lived out here. was must have been the late 90s because i i uh i remember i lived out here and um i got a hold of some of the real nyquil before they took that shit off the market the alcohol with the codeine in it

oh yeah it was like 25 proof with codeine or something yeah it was so good it was so good you just forgot you had a cold i knew a comic used to drink that shit there's a lot of people used to drink it. He used to get bottles of it. The people that worked at the comedy club at Rascals in New Jersey. Yeah, I remember Rascals. They'd have to bring bottles of fucking NyQuil, and they would always just talk about it.

Yeah, he fucking wants bottles of NyQuil. He just drinks NyQuil. He goes into his hotel room and drinks NyQuil. My knees have no cartilage. That's just beat up. When they hurt, my doctor's like, yeah, we're going to replace them. We're just waiting. Don't. Listen, if that's all it is, it's just cartilage,

you've got to get stem cells. Stem cell shots, oh my God, dude. It's the greatest thing of all time. They actually regenerate tissue. They can regenerate meniscus, regenerate cartilage in bone-on-bone situations. I'll hook you up with this doctor. I'll get you connected to him.

It's just over the last couple years they're doing these things. They're having miraculous results with stem cells. Nice. Someone online complained to me on Twitter. They're like, yeah, a lot of people can't afford stem cells. What, do you want me to not talk about it? Should I not talk about how awesome it is because people can't afford it? Yeah, well, I mean, that's the way our medicine is.

Yeah, I get it. I get it. It's annoying to you because people can't afford it. I mean, that's the way our medicine is. I get it. I get it. It's annoying to you that you can't afford it. But I'm not going to not talk. I had it in my shoulder. I had a stem cell shot in my shoulder. I was like probably a couple months away from surgery. I was like just trying to figure out when I could schedule it because it was so annoying.

Every time I'd work out, I'd be in pain for a few days, and then I would do it again and ice it and all this different shit and i was like i'm gonna have to fucking bite the bullet and get this thing fixed one stem cell shot boom within two weeks it feels a hundred percent better within a month it felt better than it felt in a year and now it's like i mean occasionally it's it's sore like yesterday i lifted and i lifted this morning i mean it's kind of a little sore but nothing to complain about. Yeah. No big deal. It's funny when you were talking about how they take part of the shin bone and the other bone to put it.

When doctors do shit like that, I'm like, how smart are you? You know what I mean? Like that, that is like, wow, you can actually do that. You know, like I had shattered my wrist and the doc i got to know the doctor who motorcycle crash yeah i knew it on a racetrack not not ordinary circumstance but i was talking to the doctor you know and we become friends over time we i fuck with him about it he fucks with me like when he when he did the surgery and he said yeah do it again i'm like well you couldn't get shit right the first time and And he's like, well,

if you hadn't fucked it up so bad, you know, it was like that kind of, but, but sometimes I just look at him like, how smart are you? Like you could, you just put bodies back together. Like that shit is amazing. He's like, well, you, I tell fucking dick jokes. Like you, you go inside a human body and repair it. That's certainly amazing. different kind of smart. Well, how about that Ben Carson guy, that guy that runs for president? That guy was a neurosurgeon that he fixed conjoined twins at the head.

And yet you listen to him talk. Now, you talk about a disconnect. I honestly, it's not like Herman Cain, because obviously I make fun of all these guys, and the black Republican is always going to be hilarious because it's like everyone else knows. Nobody told you. But to be that smart. And yet when you listen to some of his political stuff, you're like, how does that work? I don't understand that because you're a neuros and you're not just a neurosurgeon like you worked your way up yeah from nowhere it wasn't like you were born into you know a silver spoon in your mouth or whatever like so yeah i don't i don't understand ben carson at all well you

it's hard when you start when he starts talking about religion when he starts talking about uh the big bang and evolution is a myth and the Big Bang is bullshit. He doesn't believe in evolution. He might think the Earth is 10,000 years old. He might be one of those guys. Yeah. Yeah, he's got some really wacky ideas. But when it comes to fixing a brain, he knows what the fuck to do.

Yeah, but that's what I mean. How do you put those two together? In the course of learning to fix a brain brain didn't they teach you any other science wasn't there any other science classes you went to when he doesn't buy it not buying it i don't know man maybe it's maybe it's like the hubris that you have to have to be so confident that you could fix could join twins because apparently conjoined twins at the head is like one of the most dangerous operations it took more than 20 hours they brought in surgeons from all over the world to assist him but he figured out a way to

they shared one artery between like a major artery between their two brains and he figured out a way to to channel it and to make it work so that's two votes he's gonna get he's ahead of trump now i know that's what's really crazy in the most recent polls he's going to get. He's ahead of Trump now. That's what's really crazy. In the most recent polls he's ahead of Trump. That's because this is the reality show portion. And then next year they get to the real election. You know what I mean?

Next year is when the real candidates come forth. Do you think that's why Trump is so gung-ho already? He knows it's bullshit. He's just going to get out. Trump's going to sell books and get a TV show. you know what i mean like this is all publicity for trump i my theory yeah my theory is that around december or january trump comes up with a way to back out like i don't want to work with these politicians or this is bull you know what i mean he comes up with something like that like when stern was running for governor yeah And he backs out of it. And then he rides the wave of the publicity.

You might be right. Or President Trump. What if he fucking wins? What if he gets in there? I mean, would that be the biggest? I just can't see it happening. Why not? Because for one thing, he knows nothing about policy or how government works or, you know. Right. But how hard is that to learn? Oh, it's very hard on that on that level. Even like even Barack Obama, who went in knowing it, I think like his first two years in office was an education, because I think you when you really find out how hard it is to make this work

and to get these people to work together and to get anything done, you know what I mean? I think he learned a lot about how to try to make politics work, how to get anything done. And Trump is more like Schwarzenegger. When Schwarzenegger thought he was going to go in and call the legislature girly men and be the Terminator. And they were like, get the fuck out of here. Like he got slapped, you know.

And it would be the same thing with Trump. What do you mean you're fired? Shut up. Shut up. I think the difference being that Trump would probably make a big deal out of explaining where all these bottlenecks are. He would probably make a big deal about explaining to the public, doing press conferences and not playing ball because he's so fucking rich. But there's no that's no secret, though. Everyone knows that, you know, we all know about if he still gets in.

No. And we you know. And to get in with all the backdoor deals and stuff like that, like you got, you know, you got to have some serious backing, you know, like he has a lot of money, but he doesn't have Koch brothers money. Or what's that guy who owns the casinos in Vegas? I don't even know his name. He owns a Venetian and stuff. I don't want to say his name. It sounds like Candyman. I don't want to say it. That's too much money. Or on the

Democrat side, they have some people. You got Spielberg and Geffen and all of them. Trump has money. He doesn't have their money, nor does he have their influence. He doesn't have their influence when it comes to the media and when it comes to everything else involved you know what's annoying to me how many women that want to vote for hillary just because she's a woman i'm like do you know

how much shady shit is going on with her like i've had these conversations like i'll vote for her i want a woman in office but do you but do you know how shady she is? Do you know that when she was a criminal lawyer, she was a defense lawyer, she got some guy off for raping a kid? There was like a video or a recording of her joking around about it? Yeah. From like the 1980s or whatever the fuck it was when this happened? If you're going to be a politician, you're bad.

You know what I mean? Like you're in like. But even before she was a politician, the Whitewater deal with her and her husband. But even then she was in it because Bill's been in it from the beginning. Yeah. The thing I like about Hillary is she knows how the game's played. Like she has experience and she's very smart. So I give her that.

I don't think she's perfect. I think she's the best of them, of the ones running. I think she's the best. She scares me. And the thing about Bernie Sanders, although I like a lot of what he says, it's not going to get done. Like what? What about the taxes? He talks crazy about taxes.

He wants to tax the fucking shit out of rich people. Right. Well, he wants to do what some other countries do, where the government provides a lot more services, but it's paid for by a lot more taxes. Yeah. And so now you're going to have to somehow get that rich 1% that ain't paying to suddenly be willing to pay. to suddenly be willing to pay. And to make college free sounds good, but now you're talking about change.

See, when you start talking about changing an entire system, when you talk about cutting money out of defense to pay for things, yeah, it sounds great, but the problem is this has been this military industrial defense complex business it said like how many military bases do we have where it's just welfare for the town they don't need the base but the base is there because the base employs everyone in the town and if you shut down the base the town goes broke i mean that's true all across america and then you have and the congressman from that town will fight to the death like there's a a naval base in west virginia

what's not in the ocean there's no ocean but they had this congressman i forget his name but he was like that was his thing he was that guy and he like, I'm getting these jobs and this money to my district. You know what I mean? So when you get a Bernie Sanders, when you get someone who's talking about, I'm going to change the whole system. And I think this was a thing with Barack. When Barack Obama ran initially, and it was about hope and change, and a bunch of young people, college age, got on board,

and they wanted everything to change. And it was and i think he really meant it and then he got there and it was like oh this ain't gonna get done because when he got there and he had the democratic congress like if there was any chance of him doing it it was when he had the the president and the congress from the same party and even then congress was like, well, no, we ain't changing that shit. You know, we're not going to mess with that. It's like they say,

moving the United States is like turning an aircraft carrier. You know, it, it, it turns, but it takes a long time. That's the one thing I really love about Bernie Sanders. The idea of free college. I think the idea that these kids come out of college and they're,

they're, Oh, hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and they're fucked. And then I just, it drives me crazy. It makes so much sense that you're almost baffled why we don't do it. You know, there's one state,

and I want to say it was Iowa. I want to say it was Iowa. And I only know about this because a friend of mine, her kid was in school at the time and she was divorced and her husband lived there. And but they had this deal. They said the first 10 cents of every tax dollar goes to the schools. And you can't mess with that. You can't change it. You can't. And what they noticed, they didn't plan it. But about seven, eight years later, their jail population started dropping. Wow.

Yeah. But you know why? Because if kids go to school, they don't go to jail. And you look at the cost of putting a guy in jail for one year versus putting him in college for a year. It just makes so much more sense. Not to mention the fact that how is an educated populace bad other than the fact you can't control it that's the only negative to to educating people you can't control them well that and if you do have an educated populace that's in debt they're gonna have to work they're gonna

have to work and they're gonna have to keep their fucking mouth shut and stay inside the boundaries of the system but that's what but i'm talking about if you do away with the debt so that more people can go to college. Like, in other words, the more people that go to college, the better a country we are. And yet they literally fight against it. And it's always funny when you see people fight against their best interest. Well, I don't think it is their best interest because they make money off of the fact that college – I mean, college education this country subsidized and they're one of the reasons why it's so expensive is

because the government is involved the government's involved in all these loans and there's money in that whenever you have a tremendous amount of money that's being generated by anything whether it's college or law enforcement or the drug war you because it becomes an industry well yeah yeah but you were talking about the military, like shutting down those bases. The same thing would happen if you figured out a way to pay for colleges through tax dollars. There would be, without a doubt, some people would lose their jobs. People would lose their gigs.

But what I mean is that, is the overall, in other words, the overall health of the nation, like if everyone's smarter, we're better off. Yeah. The one thing we look, if you want to make the nation strong, make less losers. It's real simple. I mean, that's the number one argument for cleaning up all these impoverished areas in our country. Right. All these, like, look at Baltimore.

I had this guy, Michael Wood, on this podcast that was a former cop in Baltimore. And when they were there, when he was working there, they found some papers from the 1970s that showed all the crime areas and all the tactics they were using. And he's like, we're fucking doing the same shit they were doing in the 1970s. We're spinning our wheels. If you want to fix that area,

like concentrating resources on that area and figuring out a way to solve this poverty cycle that just keeps going on and crime cycle that just keeps going on, like you will have less losers. You will have less people that you have to prosecute. You're talking about education. Exactly. Because education and opportunity don't exist. I mean, that is the one thing about the cycle of poverty that I think a

lot of people can't understand. It's like, you know, well, just get a job. Like, well, no, you don't have that, you know. And when you go to school and your books are eight years old, you know, like when you say like this generation grew up with the internet, but a lot of kids don't, you know, a lot of kids, like, that's where the separation is, where did you have an iPad when you were in school, or did you have an eight-year-old textbook, and then you get to the college level, now you're supposed to compete with the kid who had the iPad, you know, it, the whole system, yeah, and,'s one of those things that it just makes sense to do something. You know, it's like guns. It's like we have to admit, okay, we got to do something.

Like that's the first thing. Before we do anything, let's just admit we have to do something because whatever we're doing isn't working. And then once we realize we have to do something, then figure out what to do. But instead, we're always us versus them. So it's like, you know, either no guns at all or just carry your AK to a grocery store. Like, I'm sure there's somewhere in between those two that works. And we have become a nation that has become so divided on every issue. And sometimes when it's no reason to be divided other than the other side said it, and it just keeps anything from getting done. I don't know what this country is going to be in 50 years.

It's going to be very different because all these complications that that we have right now all the problems that we have right now they're gonna be accelerated they're gonna be accelerated when the growth of the population when more and more people around it's gonna there's gonna be more and more problems and then there's gonna be all these technological issues there's gonna be cyber crime it's gonna be it's gonna be really difficult to keep money in your bank account people just gonna be stealing money from bank accounts left and right. You're going to have virtual reality.

You're going to have people escaping reality in all sorts of ways that they're not really doing yet, and that's going to be just as addictive as crack. There's going to be people that are just dropping out of society and living in the headset. You're going to put on those virtual reality goggles. Or people are going to figure out how to use it and how to make society work you know better or educate people more or or allow for communication you know i mean when you talk about these kids who grew up with the internet another thing they're growing up is

they're growing up globally so that they have friends in europe and shit like that like that communicate with people from other countries all the time and you you learn so much like there's so much cult more culturally savvy because of that yeah so it it's one of those things it's like we can become much better or much worse and I don't really know sometimes I think well we're gonna be better then some shit're like, wow, we can't be trusted with anything, you know? So I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. And, you know, and that's where you have like when you have Trump, you know, honestly, when you have this this viable presidential candidate saying, well, we're going to build a war wall between here and Mexico.

And put his fucking name on it. Rapist and then put my name on it. You're like, OK, we're going to build a war wall between here and Mexico. And put his fucking name on it. Because Mexico is full of rapists. And then put my name on it. You're like, OK, no. Like, that's no. You know, so. Well, that's like some Lenin and Stalin type shit, putting his name on it. Yeah.

And yet you have a percentage of the population who honestly believes that. You know what I mean? who honestly believes that. You know what I mean? Like we still have, what, 40% of the Republicans in the South or whatever that still believe Barack Obama is a Muslim undercover. He's not? Sorry, Joe. I didn't mean to ruin that.

Chemtrails. I didn't mean to ruin that for you. We're out of time, dude. We ran out of time. Man. We hit the three-hour mark. Bam. This was amazing

it was fun let's do it again let's do it again man thank you you're in town all the time right thank you anytime alonzo amazing gentleman uh alonzo boden on twitter uh website alonzo boden dot com that's crazy how do we remember that i don't know it's tough b-o-d-d-e-n b-o-d-d-e-n thank you brother and your podcast is uh who Paying Attention. It's on iTunes, all that jazz. All that, yeah. Glorious. We did it, man. Thank you, sir.

We did it. Thank you, brother. All right. See you guys soon. Later. Later. Ah, that was fun. Thank you.