The Joe Rogan Experience - #71 - Al Madrigal

Episode Date: January 13, 2011

Joe sits down with Al Madrigal.

Yeah, so yeah, you're allergic to cats, so you might be... That's the thing, it hasn't affected me yet, but there's a very good chance that I could completely lose it and have to be rushed to the hospital. It's no big deal. I think that the volcano is going to bypass all that and put it in order for you. Is it a breathing thing or do you get swollen? Breathing, eyes, throat, clothes, it's the whole thing. Oh, shit. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation might be necessary. In other words, he's a pussy.

That's the thing. That's what a large part of my act has become about. Allergies? Me, like, talking to a cholo, but I have allergies. No, I do a couple different stories that I have. There's a cholo soccer dad that I'm talking Dad and stuff like that. It's all about me having allergies in front of black people. Feeling genetically inferior.

Yeah. Hey, sorry. Here's a fascinating thing that I read about the H1N1 virus, that flu virus. They're saying now that the people that survived it, the people that got it and survived it, they have like super immune systems now. And now they don't get any any flows they don't get any of the flows it's like and they they think that they may be able to come up with a universal vaccine for flus based

on the h1n1 wow based on the people that survived it yeah pretty fascinating shit man yeah use them all a motherfucker of a flu the thing about those flus is they're getting better they're getting stronger they evolve just like everything else evolves and when these assholes take their fucking medicine they don't take it all especially this is especially true about antibiotics people who get sick and they take antibiotics and they only they only take it for like until they feel better like say if you're supposed to take it for 10 days the the bacteria that survive is like super powerful antibiotic resistant bacteria so that becomes like this strain that's almost impossible to kill. That's where this MRSA shit comes from.

You know, the people are dying from these crazy staph infections. It's because assholes don't take their fucking pills. They take like a percentage of them, and then they quit, and they develop this new fucking super virus because of that. These cunts. So you've got to finish all your medication. Finish your medication, bitches. You're not smarter than the scientists who created this shit.

So what we're asking people to do is use the fleshlight. Beat off into that shit. Use your medication. Take all of it. Take all that shit. I'm really bad at that. I admit it. I get down to the last one or two. And yeah, I'm just as guilty as anybody else.

For humanity. Take that shit. They should give two extra just so I don't take those two. Oh my god, they should treat you like a child. and yeah I'm just as guilty as anybody else for humanity for humanity take that shit they should give two extra just so I don't take those two oh my god they should treat you like a child you know what I mean I'd be bad at birth control

but yeah they should do oh you'd be pregnant yeah I'd be totally knocked out yeah for sure abortions all day long you know they say that a big supply

of pharmaceutical drugs are in the water supply there's not a big supply but a big percentage like you know there's measurable amounts of everything. Everything from antidepressants to birth control pills. In the water supply?

Yeah, because people flush their shit. People flush their stuff down the toilet. I mean, that's where your water supply is coming from. A lot of it's coming from reconstituted poop water. Sure, sure. You know? In some places, right? Isn't that where they get their water supply?

They fucking fix up the poop water. The water doesn't go anywhere. It's never going? They fucking fix up the poop water. Water doesn't go anywhere. It's never going to die. It's the same water. Jesus Christ. How much can you filter out where you're leaving in the birth control pills but giving me no poop? You're sure there's no poop in this? There's got to be some poop in there, you fuck.

I'd like some poop-free water, please. If the same water is coming our way that birth control pills get into, unless I'm ignorant about how birth control pills get into water and they're not being dumped is the amount of birth pills or like anything going into the water system is that really i mean large enough to affect it i mean i don't know it's a good question but i would like zero percent of birth control pills not even 0.001 there's no pregnant water anymore at least hmm. Hmm. What? What? Yeah. I think, you know, we've got to be real careful about that shit, man. You know, the idea that water is 96% of our bodies, and it's the one thing that we love to throw things into. It's so fucking stupid.

You know, we need water. Obviously, humans need water. We're always dumping shit in the water because it's so easy. We're such cunts. Especially Al. Al does that all the time. I do a lot of, like, vigilante dumping. Just dumping oil and shit.

No, or, you know, I say I'm guilty because when I see a dumpster near my house, I'm like, I gotta put a fucking net chair in there. Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

That's not throwing things in the ocean. All countries and these companies are actually fucking, oh, you know, like 1-800-JUNK? What is that?

Yeah. That's where the blue trucks, they come and get your shit. They're shipping it to fucking China where they're paying for cheap landfill. So huge, huge, like secret in the night fucking barges full of our shit shows up in China. And there's just landfill all over the place. And so, I mean, us flushing pills down there, I mean, that's the least of our trouble. It's all these foreign countries that don't have any any laws that are just allowing you to dump and bury.

There's toxic waste that we're shipping over there. It's horrible. Dude, China is crazy. They developed some new eco-city. It's fucking fantastical. Have you seen this thing? No. It's on my Twitter.

Brian, have you seen it? No. I posted it. Someone tweeted it and I retweeted it. It's pretty fucking amazing, man. There's this new city that they have that's like some, it looks like some gigantic future space, solar-powered greenhouse of a city. It's like they have glass domes over buildings.

It's fascinating. China's Pauly Shore running around inside. Look at it. It's like The Simpsons. What is the title of the article so someone can Google it if they want to Google it? What does it say? Asian Eco City in China.

You can just type in Eco City in China. Eco City in China will find it. Forget that first word. It's an amazing world we live in. We can just do that. J-I-N. How fucking cool is that? You can just type that into a box and it just gives you the instant information.

Instant information. Instant. We don't even realize how crazy that is. Why is there college anymore? Yeah, right? Just a way to Instant information. Instant. We don't even realize how crazy that is. Why is there college anymore? Yeah, right? Just a way to torture you. Get you to go somewhere and fuck. There's a commercial on right now where they're doing that. You just see families sitting around a phone

and they look over and they see just a B actor who they don't know who exactly it is and it says his name is so and so and people are just googling and getting instant information on the spot when they need it and that's totally what we're doing. My phone is fantastic. It's amazing.

That's when people have their phones on in comedy shows. I say, I realize that's a fucking fascinating device. I mean, I have one. I fucking look at it all the time and I love it. But now's not the time to have it. So just put it in your... That's my first one. Do you wig out on people that film you?

I make them stop a lot. Some people are just so blatant with it. They're sitting right in the front row, and they're pointing a camera at you and filming. Just flip video camera just straight up. This is so silly. I usually point it out, but sometimes people don't care. Yeah, you want to go, just enjoy the fucking moment. Enjoy the show here.

Everything doesn't have to go on YouTube. I do the laugh factory, and you're standing on the stage, and there's two monitors on the side. You've done that, Chloe. Sure. And I sometimes look in the stage, and there's two monitors on the side. You've done that, Chloe. Sure. And I sometimes look in the audience, and people are watching me on the fucking monitor. Yeah. Yeah.

It's like, I'm right here, lady. What the fuck? Yeah, that's weird. People do that at the UFC all the time, too. They watch the fights on the monitor. Yeah. It's in front of you. Now, happening.

I see that. I do that sometimes ringside. I catch myself doing that. Dude, replay. On cage side, the guys are fighting five feet in front of me, and I'm looking at this little 13-inch monitor in front of me. Well, sometimes you get a better perspective. Yeah, that's why I'm doing it, but it's still funny that I'm doing it.

Yeah, you're right there. It's right there, and I'm watching a TV. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I like it on the UFC just because it's like the different camera angles, especially when you get on the ground. You can't see anything on the floor. Totally, yeah. That's where it's real confusing, too, if you're in the stands and you don't have commentary.

A lot of times you don't see what guys are going for. You don't see how a guy's trying to set something up. You just went to your first UFC, right? My very first one was the Las Vegas Poms. What was the name of that? Yeah, real recently. Spike Knight. Spike Fight Night. Spike Fight Night. Fight. Couldn, Fight, uh, Spike Knight. Fight, Spike Fight Knight.

Spike, Spike. Fight, Spike. Yeah. Couldn't get it out. It was great. What it is is the finals of The Ultimate Fighter, and then they have Fight Night. Jason Tebow was around.

He also got, he got a ticket from you, and he sat closer. He was just texting us constantly saying who he was sitting next to, and so on, so on. Really? Yeah. He was tweeting.

He was like a little girl Rampage was behind him he was like I'm in front of Rampage yeah he just couldn't believe you know so he was all about

his location very funny guy he was like a little kid in a candy store he said he was just loving life

he dressed up he wore a blazer yeah team with the blazer and rainbow socks team's a good dude yeah very funny very funny guy very smart guy and he's been around for a long time and hilarious Teab with the blazer. And rainbow socks. Teab's a good dude. He is a good dude. Very funny, too.

Very funny guy. Very smart guy. And he's been around for a long time. And hilarious. Frustrating when you see a guy like that that's not getting anywhere. And you're like, how come? What's going on?

Yeah, what's happening? Why is Teab famous? Strange world we live in. This comedy world. So when I met you, you'd only been doing it like, what, two years? Even less than that. Less than that? Wow, dude. I met you, you'd only been doing it like what, two years? Even less than that. Less than that?

Wow, dude. I met you in a day, son. And then you recommended me for the comedy store. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. It was you and Freddy Soto

and I was like, oh, this is the best. How long can I go in? And then we were doing the Fridays and Saturday nights there until everything blew up over there and then I, you know,

I've worked with you quite a bit. A lot of Comedy Store gigs, man. Yeah. And you used to have the, you put in the recorder, what I always appreciated, that Joe bought a digital recorder, not a digital,

a CD burner for the club. And so I'd go in there with a CD just constantly on a Friday night and just show up and hand him my CD. I have all the, Well, I had three different things that I bought. I started out with a DAT player constantly on a friday night and just show up and handle my cd i have all well i had three different things that i bought i started out with a dat player a dat recorder i had digital audio tape installed there but the problem with that is that no one had a dat player yeah so then i said okay we'll get mini disc because that seems like a good format but the problem was mini disc died out sure so then i switched it to cd so it was awesome so i put

three different systems in there the cd and then you had all of those live moments that you never really get on a comedy album. Yeah, I recorded it at the comedy store. Yeah, it was perfect. Well, you know, it was just like we needed to have it there and there was a budget issue. Yeah. At least the comedy store appreciated you

after you did all these nice things. Well, Mitzi did. The real comedy store did. That was where my loyalty was in the first place. Now they're putting it in a kitchen over there. Good. Good place to get food poisoning. 20 years too late. What the fuck? You know how much

money they lost from not having just not chosen? Yeah, but you know what, dude? This is the comedy store. This is who it's supposed to be. The real issue there was that they stopped nurturing good comedy and they had a lot of the issues that Al and I were talking about right before the show

that he's dealing with there right now. They don't have the right intentions. They don't have, they're not looking out for comedy. They're not even looking out for the club anymore. They're just looking out for short dollars.

They're looking out for what's going to work and what's going to get them money right now. Yeah. It's tough because I really, I mean, on those Friday and Saturdays I remember those. I honestly want some of the best nights. You were there for all of them.

Some of the best nights that I've ever had as a comic. That place packed. And it's like that old Cobbs that you were talking about. When you get that 150 to 200 seater just really packed. That's a great. That was a fun gig, man, because when I was doing Fear Factor, I couldn't really travel.

And so I just set up shop at the comedy store. And I set it up so that I paid for everything. I paid for the sound system. I advertised everything on MySpace. I never asked for a dime. Packed. Packed the place every weekend and worked totally for free. Yeah. And when that was happening, man, that was

the most fun time ever for comedy for for me. You know, we had some good times. Crazy weekends. At least 10 times I bought the entire audience's shots. Oh, yeah, that's crazy. I forgot about that. Remember that the whole audience had shots. Whenever I would kick somebody out, I would go, look, I know that we just went through this douchey moment together, but we can change this. We can get out of this feeling. I know this feels terrible. We had some drunk assholes yelling things and they got kicked out and everybody feels weird. Like what the fuck, man? You know, and there's a few people going, well, they paid too. You know, let's just stop. Those

are douchebags, right? Let's we're not douchebags. We're, we're going to change all this shit. So I would like to buy you guys a drink, everybody. And, and, you know, kind of bring the mood back and everybody would cheer and we'd all wait. I would say, that's guys a drink, everybody, and kind of bring the mood back. And everybody would cheer. And we'd all wait. I would say that's the one thing that we've got to wait. We've got to wait. And everybody waited, man. Every time.

We never had an issue with people drinking their shots early. The waitresses, they hustled. They came back and forth. They had to do like fucking 10, 15 trips with big trays full of shots. But we gave shots to everybody that wanted them. Yeah. Probably a few alcoholics fell off the wagon. Probably a few guys were like, well, fuck it, man. He's giving me a shot.

I don't want to be a dick. And next thing he's blacked out with his pants down. You know, a lot of people say, shots for everybody. But that was a shitload of people. Yeah, it was thousands of dollars every time. It wasn't shots for everybody and there was ten people there in the bar. Right, right. And that's what shots for everybody in a big fucking room.

But it worked, though. It totally restored the vibe. Because first of all for everybody in a big fucking room. But it worked, though. It totally restored the vibe. Because first of all, everybody knew that I was paying for it. So it was going to cost real money. And it was just all for the vibe to fix it because we can. That was the whole attitude about it.

And that should be the attitude of comedy. It's supposed to be... It's about getting into it and finding what's fucking fun about it. And taking everybody to what's fun. And when you have an opportunity to correct the vibe of the room, if you can do it like that, that's really what it's all about. Now, Al, you said you used to do a podcast like five years ago when the podcast first came out. And those were really big back in the day. And they kind of died.

It was, yeah, there was like a podcast. What was it called? You know, it was four years ago. I don't even know what it was. You don't know what your own podcast is called? I did 17 episodes. That's a lot. You think it's a lot? I did a TV show in 1994.

I only did six episodes. I could tell you a lot about it. It was, we had sort of many names for the thing, but it was the... We did it with Peter Murrieta, a comedy writer. He's half Mexican and I'm half Mexican. And it was two...

Maybe it was called the two. One Mexican. Together we are one Mexican. That would be a good name for it. Together we are one Mexican. And we still don't speak Spanish. You don't speak anything? No, not really. It's horrible.

Beaners must get mad at you. Yeah, it's, like I said, just like the allergies put me, I'm in a weird spot with the big guy with the Laker jersey. The big guys with the Laker jersey. You know, and that's my problem also, is that in L.A. they segment you. When I was working with Joe in San Francisco, when we first started, I didn't even know I was a Latino comic problem also was that in L.A. they segment you. When I was working with Joe in San Francisco when we first started, I didn't even know I was a Latino comic.

I was just a comic. And then you moved down to L.A. And immediately I got put in this HBO Aspen comedy thing where it was me, Jeff Garcia, Freddy Soto, Willie Barsena, all these guys together. Get on the bus, Vic. Yeah. And they gave me a tin of Red Hots. They brought me a tin of Red Hots. And they said for you it says hbo latino on it and this guy mateo comes up and goes

my name is mateo can i interview you in spanish you know and shit like that i was like yeah you can fucking try it's not gonna work out mateo i don't know why i'm not a latino comic i'm just a fucking comic and i went to my friend beckyettigo. I was like, they give you a hat and they give me fucking red hearts. What the fuck? I go, I'm not with these guys. And I looked at her

and I swear to God. I'm not with these guys. I said, I said, I looked at her and I go, I'm a Mexican comedian. I swear to God. And I was like,

I just learned it. Oh no. When I came out here. And so I did, I just learned it. Oh, no. When I came on air. And so I did the sets. And that's weird for me because, you know, it's just like you sort of get put in that group. And they all sort of make fun of you. I did New Year's. Did they make fun of you?

Like the real Mexican comics? I remember walking up to, you know how those comedy breakdance circles form? Where it's just a group of comics standing in a circle. Right, right, right. And I do CTV, the Latino Comedy Festival, on TV show for CTV, a shitty wannabe English-speaking Latino station I think still exists. And it's really tiny at the time,

so they're doing stand-up, and I stand up in there with this guy Rick Gutierrez and all these Mexican comics, and they're talking about how him and Gabriel live together and they don't go on the road. They're on the road so much that no one's ever

at their house and I look at him and I go, wow, must have a lot of dead plants. And then the guy looks at me and goes,

we don't have any plants, bro. What are you talking about? We don't have any plants, bro. What the fuck no plants that's how i feel like around all these guys i got made fun of every night over new year's by a comic that i was supposed to co-headline with i'll never do another latino show again you got made fun of yeah it was a co-headline who is it it's fucking uh willie willie barcena made fun of you? Yeah.

Well, he didn't think he was making fun of me, but we had a conversation about it, and I felt like he was just, he kept bringing up my name, like saying, and he actually said this at one point. He goes, I don't want my kids to grow up like Al, you know? Like, all scared. Whoa. Yeah, so like that. And she was talking, you know, about me, you know, and doing the whole, my name is Al Madrigal,

and I'm a Latino. That shit. latino like okay i fucking get it i talk about myself and i'm self-deprecating so we were doing the new year's countdown and um he was off on his time he started trying to do the countdown five minutes early everybody has fucking cell phones they call him on you know they're like no it's not it. What are you doing? And so he has to wait. And then he yells to the back of the room, to the manager at the sack punch.

He goes, you trying to humiliate me, bro, up here on stage? And I grabbed the back mic, flipped it on really quick, and I go, what's the matter, Willie? Don't like being humiliated on stage? Does that fucking get to you? Like, and he's like this badass he's like a east la street

fighter that's uh killed people and then uh he goes we had a problem bro and i go look willie and i made him understand i go i get just as angry as you do but I don't have the fighting ability. Do you understand me? I go, I'm just as fired up as you've killed guys, you know, and fucking annihilated people. And I don't have the ability to do that, but I still feel fucking angry as shit. So you got angry at him saying that you were scared on stage, that he was talking shit about you on stage. I just don't like when any comic brings up the next comic before them

and starts really fucking referring to somebody, you know, and derogatory. Yeah, I was using me as an example of what. But what if you were really good friends of them and you were joking around with them? Like, you know, like I have friends and they go on after each other and joke around about each other. And yeah, you know, like Joey will go on after Ari and, you know, and talk about Ari being a Jew. But how well do those guys know each other? I always make fun of Joey.

Yeah. But it's like... Then it's all about the relationship. I totally get that. He's actually mocking you. I don't want my kids to grow up like you all scared. At Montreal in 2002 and I've told them this story,

and we've talked about it, and I walked up to one of the only other non-white, you know, like he's the only Latino guy there, and I don't know anybody, and I waved to him. I go, hey, Willie. Hey, nice to meet you. Al Madrigal. And he looked at me and goes, you don't even say your own last name right, bro. Wow.

How are you supposed to say it like madrigal you know you're supposed to really could you imagine if you really did that though and rolled your tongue and everything you'd be committed to every other word exactly you can't just do it for that yeah yeah you can't just roll the name and not roll well when i was in college you went to tijuana what what oh excuse me. Tijuana. Tijuana. Yeah, you got to commit. When I do the weigh-ins and I have to pronounce dudes' names, I have to decide whether or not I want to commit to that super Spanish way of saying things.

You know? And there's a lot of Mexicans in the UFC, right? Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's the correct way to say it. But it's like, you know, like Montreal is how we say it. But they say Montreal. They say Montreal. Montreal. So really, way to say it. But it's like, you know, like Montreal is how we say it. But they say Montreal.

They say Montreal. Montreal. So really, you should say Montreal. Like, who the fuck are you to say Montreal? That's not their city, asshole. I used to get pissed when people say Frisco and shit like that. You did? No San Franciscan likes stuck in Frisco.

You're really, like, touchy. Oh, San Fran. You used to get pissed at them calling it San Fran? Oh, no, no, no. I'm just saying as a native. Do you prefer Faggotville? I do. What is the most derogatory name to people in San Francisco?

No, I'm just saying when you're calling it the wrong thing and you're a local, you know. I mean, no one's expected to pronounce everything correctly. By the way, I'm not saying faggot anymore. Out of retirement. Out of retirement. It wasn't even. It's an example of a derogatory thing that's someone else. Yeah.

Yeah, I totally stopped saying faggot. Did you hear that Toronto is censoring the Mark Knopfler song, the Dire Straits song? What is that song? The Rockstar song? What is that fucking song? God damn it. It's Dire Straits. You don't know who Dire Straits is?

Money for Nothing. Money for Nothing and Chicks for Free? Right. Because it's got, that song has the word faggot in it three times. Oh, you little faggot. With his own jet airplane. That little faggot, he's a millionaire. Damn, I forgot about that.

That shit was on the radio. He got to install microwave ovens. Yeah, yeah. City of Toronto, that's it? They've decided, well, no, it was in Toronto. It was in the newspaper in Toronto. And they've decided, I guess in Canada, to start censoring that song, at least in Canada. I mean, I don't know if they do in America.

I'm sure there's a radio program. But they play it on classic rock. It's tricky. It's tricky, man, because that's a gay slur, and it's on a major song that's on the TV. That was a very popular song. Remember, that was one of the first music videos. Yeah, it was on TV. It was like 3D animation.

I don't think they said faggot on the... Yes, they did. Yeah, they did. On the popular version It was like 3D animation. I don't think they said faggot on the... Yes, they did. Yeah, they did. On the popular version? Absolutely. On the television version, on the radio version. Oh, we could look up

the MTV video right now. Yeah, let's look up the MTV video. Let's not listen to it, though, because it's really not that good. No, no, no, no. You know, they had some killer songs,

but that wasn't one of them. That was just so poppy. That was one of the old videos where they had like neon flashing in the background and small... It's like poorly produced. Yeah, you know what's dope?

Roller Girl. You ever heard that song Roller Girl from Dire Straits? No, but Roller Girl from Boogie Nights. You like that shit? Apparently that bitch is crazy. Oh, she just did the hangover. Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, that's right. She was a hooker. Yeah, she was a hooker. That's a good role. Yeah, I heard she's off the charts crazy. I love people like that. Just like knowing they're out there. Dire Straits. That's a good roll. Yeah, I heard she's off the charts crazy. I love people like that. Just like knowing they're out there. Dire Straits.

It's not fun. Do they have it? Skate away, Dire Straits, skate away. That could be it. Yeah, skate away. Let's see. Skateaway? Didn't you say Roller Girl?

Yeah, this is it. This is a song from my childhood, man. This is a song from... I mean, I might have been like fucking 13 or 12 or some shit when this song was out. They're brilliant musicians, man. It's like, it's a different kind of rock and roll. They were really big, too. It's not like this is some...

No, they were huge, bro. They were huge. They were huge. When I was in high school, Dire Straits were gigantic. That was... It's a cool video, too. Is that a Walkman she has on her? Yeah, yeah. It's a cool video too Is that a Walkman she has on? Yeah, a big man

Giant man The biggest Walkman Yeah, it's a good set I love it. Are you guys? Yes. Love it. How dare you, Brian this song. Are you, guys? Yes. Love it. How dare you, Brian. That girl needs to skate away from me.

She's ugly. She's living in 1979, dude. They didn't have makeup back then. They used to dress themselves up with flowers. Yeah, it's clown makeup, it looks like. This is a window to another world, bro. This is a different era. That's how crazy this fucking world is evolving and how quickly.

Look at that big stupid Walkman she's got on. You know, her giant stupid headsets. All those stupid headsets, big ones like we're wearing right now. They've made a comeback because of those beats. Dr. Dre. Everybody wants to pretend they're a fucking DJ. Yeah, you know, I'm going to get a real good sample of this music. Dr. Dre. Everybody wants to pretend they're a fucking DJ. Yeah, you know, I'm going to get

a real good sample of this music, you know what I'm saying? I need full coverage of my ears, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got to hear the whole song.

I got to hear the dirty shit in the background, you know what I'm saying? I've got the Bose noise canceling ones for airplanes. Those are dope. Yeah, the Beats ones,

I have those. They cancel the noise too. It's nice. I like how rap battles have moved on to headphones now, because it's like you've got the Dr. Dre ones now, and I think 50 Cent has it. Luda.

Luda just came out with his own shit. Why not? Everybody should have their own headphones. I want my own headphones. That would be cool. I think it's an easy company startup. A little Alien logo on the headphones. You can smoke them when you're done listening.

Yeah, right? We could store a stash. There's an extra battery area. Everybody that listens to the show would have a set of those Joe Rogan headphones. That would be weird. That would be step one of the cult. Step one. Step two, purple Nikes. Step three,

alien logo tattooed somewhere on your body. Step four, try DMT. Step five. Have you embraced Twitter, Al? Are you on that thing? Are you addicted to it? You know what? I read a lot more than I post. Someone's a lurker. I'm not that much of a lurker.

So tell me this problem that you're having at the comedy store that you were talking about. Well, you know, I guess when you stay in one place for too long, it's with your job or with anything else. You just start to realize that the people, if you start associating with the same people over and over again, sometimes it gets a little negative. Yeah. There's always been a real negative vibe there. But the stage time is amazing, and we just were talking about all the good times.

It's like running with weights on. Yeah, that's what we were talking about. We had some great times there, definitely. Working out there is harder than working out anywhere else. I think Blaine Capaccio, who's a very funny comedian, said if comedy clubs were a video game, then the comedy store would be one of the hardest levels. Boss level. Boss level. And then you'd go like a Laugh Factory Improv. And then when you get down, Easy would be like the UCB and all those things because they're very, very supportive and smart and everyone's paying attention.

And at the comedy store, I have Russian guys yelling out at you constantly. But you know what, though? The sad part about the store is when it reveals its true side, when someone goes up who's not good and kills. Someone goes up with some really dumb hacky shit and they destroy. And then you go, oh, you guys aren't cool. You're just in the dark. That's what I was talking about. You're just dummies in the dark.

It sort of makes you feel bad about yourself when you go up and you think you had a good set and then just the worst comic in the world goes up fucking two, three after you and just murders. Well, you know, that's a symptom that's a symptom of what you were talking about with like the ucb well the ucb is very well organized it's they've got a very clear ethic yeah they're trying to you know put out good art they're trying

to put out good comedy to support it you know it's like it's very obvious what they're up to and so because of that that's the kind of crowd they attract the comedy store is just people are just walking by you know and they've heard the name and they stumble in and they don't know any better or they know who's up. It's dark and poorly advertised. You know,

or it could be, hey, Al Magical put it on Twitter. He's going to be at the comedy store tonight. Let's go down and check it out. But it's like, you get such a hodgepodge. It is,

it is like a vortex of crazy people. For whatever reason, crazy people are drawn to that spot. Like, I don't want to believe in energy like i don't want to believe in energy i don't want to believe in any of that fucking crystal sucking astrological bullshit i don't want to believe in that i want to take things on face value but if ever there was a fucking there was some evidence for a place having like crazy energy and having like a weird attraction

to it that fucking comedy store was it man i'm the same way i feel like uh i don't believe in any of that crap but if there was ever a place for that to exist it would have to be something weird is happening yeah maybe its effects are over exaggerated like it's not the only you can't only have shitty times at a place like that but you know when you find out the history of that place and you know but it was bugsy siegel's nightclub back in the prohibition days yeah it was called zeros yeah they yeah who said that eliza yeah slessinger so they were doing abortions in the basement but we we always get in the subject about how fucking crazy that place is and how creepy it is but they kill people there for sure and maybe there's like a little shred of that that's still in the

room it's no funny bone you know there's no corporate like comedy club it's a little bit different than those there's no uh animated microphone with another microphone standing in the background showing you who's coming up next week and that's the other thing when you get used to being in other clubs you get used to like working for the improv and you see how fucking organized they are you know and they have posters of guys that are going to be there next week and you know with supporting acts and the show times. They have online where you can buy tickets. It's all in the poster.

They're just way in advance. You go to the store, there's a piece of paper that fucking Tommy's got spilled coffee on and has everybody's name written on it. If you call in and you ask, who's up tonight? They're like, who's up?

Where's the fucking list um it's like nobody nobody knows what's going on cocks now too but at one point in time yeah he wants to know if you're sucking cocks too that's what he asked brian brian sucking cocks yeah i get off stage and he goes you're sucking cocks now too fucking work for joe rogan fucking just went off on me i had like a good set and i get off stage tomm, and he just goes crazy on me. Just saying I was gay, and I was using the comedy store, and I was a spy. And I was sucking dicks, and just fucking nonstop crazy shit. How do you get off stage and ask somebody, hey, sucking dicks?

Yeah. What the fuck is that? Well, what's funny is that- I don't want to be greeted like that ever. I know. It's bad. And what sucked is like... So cool.

What's funny is I got off stage and I was just feeling so happy and good. And then when he did that to me, I was like, why are you doing this to me? He buzz killed you, dude. He buzz killed you. Yeah. But after talking to a lot of comics, I guess that's just what he does. And he's trying to scare you into things. So he's using intimidation tactics?

Yeah. Yeah. So you... You should have just swung on him. When a dude does that, you just swing. So he's using intimidation tactics? Yeah. You should have just swung on him. When a dude does that, you just swing on him and you put your dick in his face. Just pull your dick out. You hold him down and you pull your dick out and just rub it all over his face. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again.

I have thoughts like that constantly. That's what makes me sort of dangerous. I just got to go in. You got to develop a good mount. I just got to go and do my job and get the fuck out. No, I'm talking about... Talking about rubbing your dick on his face. No.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of negative energy in that place. You know, what you were talking about before that you don't want to talk about, obviously. There's a new comedy thief at the comedy store. And a guy that got kicked out of the Ha Ha Cafe. And he's another one of these guys that's blatantly on purpose looking to steal people's material and use it. Yeah, but I have to be very clear, and I don't even want to get involved. I don't care.

Well, we don't even have to bring the guy's name up. We don't even have to bring his name up. That's not the issue. What I was talking about was how the club justified it, and how they actually told you when you brought the guy's name up that he's not bad looking on the eyes. That's actually a Tommy quote, right? Yeah. Whoopsies.

Sorry. Yeah, this is what he said to me. So you're a comic now. And I said, yeah, I try. And he goes, you working for Joe Grogan still? Yeah, I still work for him. You suck cock now too? What? And then I wrote... Don't go together. If you repeat that, you're working for jewelry

you suck and Brian said yeah I said yeah I suck two cocks three four cocks five cocks and then he goes you come with me

at this criticism you go on stage and you work for that phony fuck and it's just like what where is this coming from they just really took

the wrong sides and this whole thing is about them making the wrong choices you know just throughout look they give me a lot of

it's negative energy man that's why they have to do it they're sucked into their own suck but then I got my ankle weights and I want to go I can wear

you don't have to though it's not necessary I you know I my act got a lot better as soon as I stopped being there I got less angry and I think some of my

my comedy was being formed by the energy in that place. There's a lot of great things about that place, but it's also dark. I love hanging out there. I love it just because of the people. But other than that, if they all hung out at fucking Waffle House, I'd be there. Brian, you remember that time we were filming and that hooker came back and just started talking to us about the business and how she meets guys and how she sets it up.

Yeah. It was pretty crazy, man. Out of nowhere. Yeah. This girl just, she came up to us and she seemed, you know, like fairly normal. Right? Yeah. She didn't seem totally crazy.

You know, she was just having a good time like everybody else. And then she starts talking about being a hooker. It's crazy. I run into hookers a lot more often than I thought I would ever run into hookers. Just like talk. They just come up and start talking to you and they act normal and they don't say that they're a hooker. You think, oh, this girl's talking to me.

And then suddenly she slips in and she's a hooker. And then sneaky little hooker. Well, think of the world, think the world that you travel in though. You travel in a very interesting world. I mean, if you looked at your life from any other part of the world, you know, you take some guy from Idaho and say, hey, I'm going to, I'm going to hang out with this guy you take some guy from Idaho and say, hey, I'm going to hang out with this guy. What are you going to do today? Well, I'm going to hang out with this girl.

She's a penthouse pet of the year. We're going to go to this porn awards party. And then we're going to go to the improv where there's a naughty show and a bunch of porn stars are going to go up. And then I'm going to hang out with some stand-up comedian friends of mine and we're going to smoke a lot of pot. Everybody will be like, what the fuck? This is your life? I want to go. This is crazy man

do you mind if I tag along I should go to should have gone to college I guess yeah then you'd be out of work you sort of do look into your life

and you're just like how did I end up in this job but that's why there's so many hookers in your life is what I'm trying to tell you you're traveling

in strange circles definitely hooker material not that there's anything wrong with being a hooker, man. A buddy of mine was talking to me about this Thai massage place that he goes to and they give you a real Thai massage

and then they jerk you off. And he talked about it like it was the greatest meal. You know, like I would talk to you about like a certain steakhouse that knows exactly how to fucking cook a good piece of meat

where you cut into that medium rare and the outside is just crispy but the inside is juicy and delicious and warm and the fucking blood from the meat just fires up your synapses that's how this guy talked about getting jerked off by this thai lady he was talking about like it's the most amazing thing he goes somebody told me to go to this place i didn't think you know like that it was that kind of place because it looked like a real place and he goes and i go in there and i'm going well obviously i'm not gonna pull my pants down because this is a legit place i'm getting a real massage like they're giving them a real massage they're stretching them out they're rubbing them down elbows in muscles loosening all that thing he's like i'm getting legit massage there's no way

the same broad's jerking me off and then at the end after like 40 minutes of that she's like so does that feel good to you and he's like get the fuck out of here this is a fantasy she starts rubbing his leg yeah you know do you want anything more do you want anything more and the next thing you know she like glances over his dick and he arches his his back like towards her hand as she glances over his dick and then she just gets that's the green light she gets a hold of it, pulls out the lotion, starts rubbing his balls, jerks him off, bam, done. Wow. It's like 40 bucks.

Wow. I've gone to a place like that once. Holy shit. And the chick turned to me, I was just, you know, she's going to ask you if you want the, you know, extra parts. Because a lot of them have you charged more. You know, like, so she looks at me and she goes, leans in and goes, do you want me to make banana cry?

Whoa. Oh. Hey, what are me to make banana cry? Whoa. Oh. What are you fucking saying to me? Whoa. Banana feels bad about himself just being in here. Banana cry. So she offered. Yeah.

Offered banana cry. And you said no? Well, you know, since having, yeah, my daughter sort of spoiled me for a lot of fucking. Yeah. Porn too, right? A little bit. Yeah. Me a lot. St... Yeah, porn too, right? A little bit. Yeah, me a lot. Strip clubs, porn, all that.

It's not the same anymore. No, it's not. I mean, it used to be. Yeah. I would go out all the time. I'd be there. Before you have babies, you look at them, and I used to look at them as,

this is a really hot chick. Like, whoa, look at that body. Look at that ass. Now I go, why is she dancing? Probably because her dad didn't love her. Yeah. And I'm going to love my daughter. Fuck.

I'm going to be a better dad. Yeah. And also, yeah to love my daughter. Fuck. I'm going to be a better dad. Yeah. And also, yeah, you really think about it. And also the germ factor and shit, too. Like, these chicks are rubbing up on fucking all these dudes. I can't. When I go to a con, if they try to put you in a comedy condo, I would start, I won't allow it, because I start thinking about fucking Mark Curry rubbing one out on the couch.

Mark Curry? Why Mark Curry? Hanging with Mr. Cooper? Dude, you look at the lineup and you go, oh, my God. That guy was fucking here. Mark Curry would be the least of my worries. He's a cool dude. Yeah, no, I love Mark Curry. But I'm just using him as an example of somebody just randomly in there.

I would go with Barry Diamond. Barry Diamond just. Barry Diamond shooting loads all over the couch. Screaming, applying tanning cream. He didn't have lotion, so he used his bronzer. He wants his dark fucking mahogany looking dick. Because he never has lotion, so he has to use tanning lotion. So his dick is orange.

His dick is like a giant carrot. Oopa loopa orange. Like a dirty carrot. Yeah, there's always that one dude that you know could have stayed the course. Like Oompa Loompa Orange. Like a dirty carrot. Oompa. Dirty carrot. Yeah, there's always that one dude that you know could have stayed the character. I'm surprised there's not more comedy porno. I know there is some of it, but I don't know how many people want to watch it, but I'm surprised. Like comics? Mix comedy and porno together?

Yeah. Well, you know, what's his face? Thomas Ward, who does a fantastic Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby. Was in a couple of porns, right? Cosby type porns. Where he didn't bang anybody, but he does his act in the background. Thomas Ward is another one, man.

I got that guy, introduced that guy to my manager many, many years ago. Because I was like, this kid has got something. He's real raw, and he's got a good way of looking at things, and he's fucking just a natural on stage. But for whatever reason, it just fucking didn't click with him. You know? Comedy's so goddamn tricky. Yeah. You know?

It's like you picked the wrong wave. You're not in the right mindset. You know? You're not, you can never really get your life in order. Whatever the fuck it is that keeps you from getting it right. There's a lot of guys that we know. You know, Holtzman's name comes up all the time. Yeah, but it's like, you're just allowing yourself not to get distracted and just staying on point. You know, Holtzman's got comes up all the time. Yeah, but it's like just allowing yourself not to get distracted

and just staying on point. You know, Holtzman's got a job that he works. I think he was a mechanic for aircraft at some point. Yeah. And so he's got all these other life distractions, and you've got to be fucking on it if you want to go get something. You've got to be on it 100%, and that's it. And I think these guys are half-assing it.

They got themselves to a position of comfort. See, that's what happens with any sort of fucking dream is you get yourself to a point. You're like, oh, you start sacrificing by compromising. And you go, oh, I don't really need fucking that. I'm happy with this. And you get to a point where you settle. You don't give a shit anymore.

So you're just like, I'm cool with this. This is a great life right here. I can just fucking stop trying. And I got this. That's totally what I did, man. When I was on news radio, dude, I didn't with this. This is a great life right here. I can just fucking stop trying. I got this. That's totally what I did, man. When I was on news radio, dude, I didn't write anything. And here's one of the things that turned it around. I did sets, and when I would do these sets,

I would basically do the same fucking material that I had had for years and years and years before. I would just go up on the weekends because it was easy, because it was something to do. I had this TV show, so I was doing the TV show all the time. And the weekends, I'd only been in L.A. a year. I didn't really know that many people. So my social life was going to the comedy clubs.

So I would go up and I would just do the same act pretty much, just over and over and over again. Nobody knew who I was. I didn't have any responsibility. I didn't have any fans. I had no responsibility to give them new shit. And I lost my feeling for it. Like it wasn't real anymore to me. I wasn't, I wasn't in the comedy mode for real. It's like,

cause I was just reiterating the same shit. And a few writers from the TV show, from news radio came to see me at the comedy store and I had a really late night set. It was really late night in the main room. When you have those late night sets in the main room, the energy just gets sucked out of the room where there's nothing and i went on like next to last and i ate a dick i just was i was i felt like while i was saying it that what i was saying was stupid yeah it just felt empty to me i could feel just reciting the words yeah i could feel them feeling bad for me i could feel them judging me and not liking what they see. I just did not have it. I just wasn't in the groove. And then I realized I'm like slacking. Like I'm not really writing. I'm not

really performing. I'm not putting any effort into it for over a year. Maybe it might have been two years. For over a year at least, I just would go up and do the same fucking tired shit over and over again. But that bad set made me completely refocus. And then within a year, I did my first CD. Because I just started going crazy. And then I would go to stand up. I would do it every night. I was doing it every night. I was doing it at the Laugh Factory and the improv.

And I was just trying to get in as many sets as I could and write as much new shit as I could. I just realized, you can't just keep doing this anymore. At some point, that goes off. And then you're just trying to... I also try to work new stuff in constantly. I'm always adding just little chunks here and there, not even a whole new bit, but just adding to the old shit that I have. And they're always growing and evolving. That's why I have a hard time putting out bits too quickly.

Like if you do something and then you put it out, you put out like a DVD, and then the next year you want to do another one like louis ck's doing which is you know really super ambitious but in my like what's in my career like the things that i've done they've always gotten way way way better as i kept doing them like over a long period of time and sort of completely tweaked them and got them to the place where you know i have just the right punch lines in the right places the right setup the right you know think about the right punchlines in the right places, the right setup, think about the right material to do before you do it. Yeah, I got an album that I just put out and I felt exactly the same way when I locked it. You're like, oh shit. And a couple jokes.

I'm trying just not to do any of that stuff anymore so I won't feel bad about it. I'm just going to put it away. Yeah, once I do it, I think that's how you have to do it. Bill Burr. Bill Burr does that. What does he do?

Once he does it on TV or on an album, it goes bye-bye. It just starts fresh. Well, that's the Louis C.K. way, too. That's what Louis is doing. And I think you have to do that. If you really want to keep moving, there's no way. You can just do the same thing forever. I'll do a few bits if people call them out.

Like when I do a Q&A sometimes, especially if I've had a couple of cocktails and I'm feeling it. But that's the hardest part about comedy is just to keep that momentum going and keep finding out new and interesting things to talk about. Yeah. You know?

No, it's tough to just let go of something. You've got to be on it, man. No, it's so hard to stay, like grow attached to some bits too. Yeah. Oh, it, man. No, it's so hard to stay, like, grow attached to some bits, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. There's some bits

that I fucking love. My bit about tigers fucking, I used to love doing it. I used to love everything about it. It's my favorite bit of all time. But like all of them,

I've got to put those bitches aside. You've just got to be strong. I'm sorry. Make the tough decision to put it behind you. We're talking about how Bill Burr just every

single time he does something on TV or on an album goes gone. Just starts fresh completely. That's the George Carlin way.

George Carlin's style of doing comedy. Louis C.K. adopted it and Bill Burr's pretty much doing it too. It's the way to do it.

Just keep pounding out shit, which is very hard to do when you're doing other things as well. Yeah, that's what we were talking about earlier. You get stuck on a TV show and you're working a lot, and then cranking out. I mean, it's hard. You've got to sleep and shit too. Would you recommend comedy to people?

Like if your child wants to be a comic, would you say, hey, I would recommend comedy? Or would you scare people away from it? It's hard. My son was already asked what he wants to be when he grows up. And he looked at a group of people and he goes, I just want to tell jokes. I mean, why wouldn't you recommend one of the great jobs of all time? I mean, I get to write.

I've written for a couple other people. I have a great time just doing what I'm doing. You seem to think that you wouldn't, Brian. Is that what you're saying? I don't know if I would or wouldn't. I do see, just being in it, how competitive it is and how

it really is hard to get to a certain point of where you can survive higher up than the normal uh like the normal comic like there's so many really good comics but they seem like they all get to a certain level and then they kind of balance off you know where yeah they're making money and stuff but a lot of them are still kind of struggling here and there but it seems like it's really hard to get to the next level where you're just like i mean you know use the baseball analogy or any pro football or anything like that, any sporting thing.

It's like, you know, a certain amount of people get a certain distance in the, you know, there's levels of professional and people just climb up that level of professional. There's a lot of different things to think about because it's not just being a comedian and being funny. It's also the marketing of yourself, which is very alien from the creative aspect of stand-up comedy. So it's real tricky. Like what gets you to the next level a lot of times has nothing to do with your proficiency as a comedian.

There's a lot of comedians that we know of that they're really good. They're really solid. But for whatever reason, they never enter into the— Oh, you're talking about Brian Holtzman as a clear example. The zeitgeist never accepts them for whatever reason. They never figure out how to get promoted correctly. And also they sabotage their own career. I mean, did you hear, I remember,

I don't even know if I have the story right, but Holtzman jumping in, Martin Lawrence came into the audience and Holtzman had people there to see him and it was a big deal and he was finally going to get a shot. And then Martin Lawrence's bouncer came in and said something.

And yeah, I guess Holtzman just looks and says, fuck it, and just jumps in. And I guess Holtzman just looks And says Fuck it And just jumps in And they I guess The bouncer just Knocks him right out And fucking

Flattens him Right in front of All of these people Yeah I think What it was Was Martin Lawrence Was heckling Yeah

Wow Imagine that And Brian Holtzman Was on stage And Martin Lawrence Was heckling And Martin Lawrence Went off stage

And was saying Ladies and gentlemen This is Martin Lawrence Can you believe this I'm getting heckled By Martin Lawrence And the bouncer Gets Lawrence went offstage and was saying, ladies and gentlemen, this is Martin Lawrence. Can you believe this? I'm getting heckled by Martin Lawrence. And the bouncer gets up and punches him. Are you fucking serious?

Yeah. So he's had chances like that. Yeah. He has stuff like that happen. That sucks. I wish Armletto would have taken off. If he had been around agents and managers and stuff, too, that's the other thing about the store. No one's going there to hang out because they have to pay.

If you go to the improv, everybody gets in free. You know, managers, agents, they're all hanging out there. It used to be an issue to try to get people to come and, you know, like put them on the list to come see people.

You know, it'd be hard. People couldn't just, you know, couldn't show up, hey, I'm Mike from IBM. Can we come in and see the show? They'd be like, yeah, sure, 20 bucks each, bitch. But what you're saying

about the marketing thing, it's also, it's that book, that Malcolm Gladwell book, The Outliers. You ever see that? No. Where, it's also that book, that Malcolm Gladwell book, The Outliers. Do you ever see that? No. It's very good. But it talks about people not being able to express themselves.

Like there was a story of a genius. This kid who just, I mean, went to Iowa State, but his mom didn't turn in his paperwork. They were just sort of dumb about speaking to people. And this kid was there and didn't go talk to anybody. Clearly, they wanted him at the school and didn't go talk to anybody clearly they wanted him at the school and would have been to keep him at the school but all he had to do was know to go and talk to somebody or like uh people are just socially unable and so he didn't talk to anybody he just left school and he does you know he's a manager somewhere does this kid has the guy has

the man has the highest IQ, almost imaginable. Well, there was some guy that got tested for the highest IQ ever in America, and he was a bouncer. He was a bouncer in Long Island or something like that. And it was really weird, man, because he was really kind of full of himself a bit. And we would talk about things. He would talk about things really pompous. And you're just going to go, hey, back the fuck up. You're a bouncer, dude.

If you're so smart and fucking smug about everything what are you out there swimming in the human condition every day as a bouncer getting to know the dark side of humanity are you what are you a fucking charles buchowski poet type character or are you the smartest man in the world because something there's a disconnect there fella you know you're you're living like life like a dummy not not that bouncers are dummies i know a lot of guys that are bouncers like mma guys it's a good job a lot of power and bouncers are dummies. I know a lot of guys that are bouncers, like MMA guys. There's a lot of power in bouncers.

You get power and you don't do shit. Yeah, but I mean, why would you do that if you're a fucking super genius and you're like 40, right? You know, it's not like he's

some 20-year-old kid paying for his college education and needing some money on the weekends. No, he's a fucking 40-year-old genius character working as a bouncer. His services should be used elsewhere. Totally. Yeah, like if he's that fucking smart, let's get fucking 40-year-old genius character working as a bouncer. His services should be used elsewhere.

Totally. If he's that fucking smart, let's get him working on something. Social intelligence needs to be factored into the whole idea of intelligence. Your IQ does not include your ability to fucking maneuver around human beings. Yeah, that's exactly what they're talking about. Yeah, that's exactly what they're talking about. And then a similar kid with a big, really wealthy upbringing that had the same IQ went that many times further in his life and became this great... I had a friend when I was living in New York who was a pool hustler. And he was a brilliant guy, not just socially.

He had a brilliant mathematical mind as well. But he was the first guy that I'd ever met socially that would look for traits in someone, look for things that people were doing, look for ego things. He could do impressions of people, really good impressions of them. They wouldn't sound like the person,

but it would be exactly the type of shit that that person would say because he's always analyzing people's personalities and looking for weaknesses. I did not know until I met this guy that people were out there that did that. That would look for a weakness in your game. Look for a weakness in how you talk. Look for a weakness in how you behave.

And then they find that little spot, and that's where they start picking. They start picking on whatever got you to say that in the first place. Whatever got you to stand up for yourself. Whatever got you to make an excuse about something that happened. I was kind of sick that day. Normally that would never go down like that. Oh really? Yeah, normally you're the best, right? The best ever? He would just find the spot, find whatever it was, and just

start picking. His opportunity, yeah. They're out there, man. Fuck yeah, they're out there, man. But that's a lot of what comedy is, too. It's finding that little spot. Seeing that little thing that other people might not have saw. Now it's, And then also getting that out and reflecting that in a creative way that has not really been done before, too. You don't want to fucking go regurgitate some of the old, tired shit.

I know. So it's also like there's a couple rules in place where not only have you had that thought and found that opportunity, but now you've got to put this through this filtering process to determine whether or not it's okay to fucking make it up on stage. Yeah. And then there's the saying it the right way and figuring out the best economy of words. There's like a lyrical aspect to it at that point.

So now you're fucking putting shit together. I try to do that a lot in my act. When I'm talking about actually tell that whole banana cry story on stage as a bit and leading into it. By the way, I don't believe that you didn't get jerked off. I just want you to know. I love you, but just keep saying what you said. You don't have to say anything.

Keep going. Okay, go ahead. So the banana cry lady, I goes, this is not the first time I found myself in english as the second language sexy talk situation you know and so i say shit like that so it has to come out like it can right be lyrical at the same time yeah you can use alliteration and fuck around with it from there so then you got to put through all these steps and then it finally makes it out and that's why they're tough to give up. Yeah, I know. They're like your babies. You work so fucking hard, yeah. They're like your babies, man.

So. Once you get good at them and you get them all tight and you know exactly how to hit them and they have all these fucking punchlines, one after the other, ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang, ba-bang. You know, that was the Boston style of comedy, too.

Boston, the best guys, for whatever reason, didn't really write new material. They just had a gang of stuff that was so devastating yeah yeah like if you want there's still guys like that you just go out and just they're just crushing yeah yeah yeah there's guys like that it's harder to do now though because of the internet it's just not the same thing you know when people and these guys didn't have cds out so people couldn't go and replay their bits you had to go see it again you know you couldn't play it over and over again so

it's like you know you know the exact timing for when the punchline comes and it's not like that. People are still going out though. Yeah. Comedy's still the most fun thing

for me to go see. If I know that Stan Hope is going to perform or Louis C.K.'s in town or Nick DiPaolo or someone that I really think is really funny, I fucking have a great time.

It's still the most fun thing to see. Who were you seeing last night? Was that the Hollywood Improv? Stan Hope was there, Dave Attell, Ron White, Nick Swartzen, Doug Benson. How great is that?

It was just like never ending. And it's also just a fun hang too. That place is great, man. That's the difference between that place and the store. I never realized that there's managers that were actually happy to see you there And thankful Can we get you water

Do you want a drink Do you like something Are you hungry Do you want to eat They got a menu in their hand They have good food there Great burgers and shit Everyone's friendly

The wait staff's friendly The bartender's friendly There's a bar Where everybody sits down And has a good time at the bar And then there's a back showroom And all the waitresses Eddie the bartenders

Are also the Eddie's a fucking gem Deva yeah they're great great they're not professionals down the street Sal's

no I want to go to there oh it's the shit we gotta stop by sometime is Sal a listener do you know if we're in contact with Sal I don't know we'll get you in there

don't worry we'll get you in there we did it Sunday night it was fucking awesome man just talked about it on Twitter Sunday place was it's a real small place

only seats like 70 at the most right now but they're opening up two more showrooms they've got a whole Awesome, man. Just talked about it on Twitter Sunday. It's a real small place. It only seats like 70 at the most. Right now, but they're opening up two more showrooms. They've got a whole back area that's gigantic. They're going to blow out and build this huge 300-seat room back there. It's like 300 seats, right? Well, there's two rooms. I think they're going to split it.

I think you should just build one huge room. Yeah, I think so, too. Why not? Keep the small room in the front and then make a big one. I guess he's's doing like an improv room of like 80 and then a bigger room of 150 or something like that. Improv like that shit, like give me a topic, that kind of shit? Well, kind of like the side room at the improv where Ari does his shit. You know what I mean? Like a workout improv.

I don't know. Well, hey, maybe not. Maybe he could do it. Look, the Comedy Store was three rooms forever. This guy can actually pull off three rooms in that spot. He's got the perfect attitude. He's like, you know, Sal's like one of those guys that you hope would come

along and open up a comedy club. A guy who really loves comedy. He's a really fun guy, and he's willing to take some chances. And he has business sense as well, right? Yeah, exactly. He knows what he's doing. And he bought this place. And right now, it's got a front area where there's a bar

and a bunch of seats. And that's where we perform Sunday. But there's a back area that's this old school bakery. And it's been a bakery forever. And apparently, he's going to take over that. What was it before?

What was this space? Vienna Cafe. It's a cafe with a big yellow awning. It's on Melrose. It still says Vienna Cafe. It doesn't say Sal's big yellow awning. It's on Melrose. It still says Vienna Cafe. It doesn't say Sal's Comedy Hall. He's like trying to like, you know, like Vienna Cafe. Oh, it doesn't exist anymore, but come on, we got a show here.

Yeah, they're trying to phase it in slowly. He was telling me a funny Stanhope story last night when he had a club in New York. Everyone was trying to get into his club, like all these really good comics. And he wanted Stanhope. So he called Doug up or something like that. He was like, hey, I'd really like you to come to my club. And Doug's like, I don't do clubs, sorry.

And then Sal's like, well, just ask around first before you say no. Because I think you would like my place. So Doug calls back and goes, yeah, everyone's saying great things. I'll go there. And so he kind of became friends with Stanhope. And then he had a party to watch a a boxing match at his house like his apartment and he's like doug you know if you want to come over and watch the boxing game come over so doug invited the whole entire club to come to sal's house and he just said there's like 40

people were climbing up over his fence and just fucking drinking all his beers and can you imagine inviting a whole club to somebody's house? That's kind of douchey. Was Stan Hope drunk? Yes. Of course. Is that a real question? That isn't a real question.

That isn't. That's funny. And after that, he's still into comedy? Right. Dude's a glutton for punishment. I know. I'm sorry, but perhaps pull up the Ted Williams, the Golden Voice homeless man.

Right. This guy was a junkie, and now they, the Golden Voice, a homeless man. Right. And this guy is like, was a junkie. Yeah. And now they're giving him all this money. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. He was on Dr. Phil, and I guess he's about to check himself into rehab, or he did check himself into rehab because of the Dr. Phil show.

Why? But Dr. Phil brought up the whole point of where, like, that he used to steal cars. He's a horrible dude. Yeah. He's a great boy. It's not like the innocent crybaby guy that you first saw. Oh, I'm more homeless, man. Fucking no.

This guy's a criminal. That fucking huge game him. And now he's going to become famous. Do you think he's getting pussy yet? Internet pussy? I hope not. He sort of looks like Matt. You remember when McDonald's had that

moon man commercial where it was like a moon face? What was that? I remember that. It was... Mac Tonight. Wow, Mac Tonight. I gotta look at that now. Mac Tonight was when McDonald's had some

moon-headed man wearing a suit. Well, I don't remember that at all. He looks exactly like that. And the homeless guy, Tim Williams, looked like that. So he goes on Dr. Phil, and he tells them that he stole cars and all kinds of other shit

while he was doing drugs. Is that what he said? Yeah. Yeah, well, here, hold on. He first said that he, like Dr. Phil brought up the fact that he, hold on, I'll tell you exactly what it was.

Where is it? For people who don't know, there was a guy, and if you haven't heard the story, He, hold on, I'll tell you exactly what it was. Where is it? He. For people who don't know, there was a guy, and this is, if you haven't heard the story, there was a guy that was standing on the side of a road and he had a sign that said, you know, we'll use my golden voice for, you know, God gave me a voice and give me a dollar, you know, whatever the fuck it is. So this guy does this impression of like a morning DJ on a television show or a a radio show and it's amazing it's like a really good radio voice like that perfect fake radio voice yeah and it feels it seems weird coming out of a out of a homeless guy and he's

got like you know a bunch of shit planned that he can say like that and so this became an internet thing it got huge and then from it this guy gets a bunch of different job offers. So now he's on Dr. Phil. And so what happened? Well, Dr. Phil sits down with him and discusses, like, all the challenges he had in his life. And he did not he first denied the incident in which Dr. Phil was accused of violent behavior, public urination, stealing customers cars at a tire store in Ohio and all this other crap. And then later in the interview, the guy finally admits that he did all those things. And then the next – So first he lied.

First he lied. So he's still lying. He's still doing the lying thing. And then he admitted it later after Dr. Phil probably owned him or something. Wow. And then supposedly he will appear again on Dr. Phil accompanied by his ex-wife. He has five kids. Wow.

I'm happy the kids got money, but this kid is not. Well, you hope the kids got money. And I guess supposedly that the wife and kids are worried that he's going to relapse. And then later in the interview or whatever, they say that he's going to go in her rehab on Thursday.

So he already relapsed. He probably got some cash. He went straight to the bar, why not? Yeah. That's the homeless guy. He's going to be in the shower and straight to the bar. Joe, do you remember this commercial? You probably don't remember this commercial,

but this is who Al says that he looks like this old 80s. There's a chin on this homeless guy. Yeah, I see it, but I don't remember it at all. That was a chin on this. Yeah, I see it, but I don't remember it at all. That was a big campaign thing. All day and all night. Step out for a bite. When was this? 24 hours.

2007. That can't be 2007. There's no way. That was four years ago, bitches. Oh, wait. Here's a 1989 one. That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah, that's a freaky one.

That was a new revamped version. I don't see what the fuck you guys are talking about. That's a guy with a 1989 one. That's the one I'm talking about. Yeah, that's a freaky one. That was a new revamped version. I don't see what the fuck you guys are talking about. That's a guy with a moon head. This guy has a big fucking head. That's ridiculous. That's what I'm saying. That is the funniest shit, Al. Okay.

Moonface. Moonface. Even more than a Jay Leno. He has a freaking moon face. I met that Antoine Dodson dude. He's the dude who his house got broken into. So, hide your kids. Yeah, hide your wife.

That guy is doing all kinds of shit now. Dude, that song is good. That song is legitimately good. The Antoine... Antoine Dodson song is legitimately good. Yeah. It really is. Yeah, it's...

I mean, it's amazing, though, how these things can become viral like this. He bought his mom a house from the proceeds. I guess they split the money 50-50, and Antoine got a lot of money, bought his mom a house. That's incredible.

From a viral video done from the local news. And he's doing a bunch of other shit. He did some shit for the UFC. He was on George Lopez. I saw that. Yeah. He's doing like ads and shit now. It's crazy man. Internet celebrity

is like a real thing. Like I was thinking. He's made a couple comics. I mean he really has. I met Bo Burnham the other night. That kid. Did you see this Joe? The hide your kids, hide your wife dog. What is that on Twitter twitter is that what it is anyway I met that Bo Burnham

kid you know I just saw him on Paul Provenza's show the green room yeah yeah yeah I was on that I was on the one after it and I was there and I was we were talking and me and Eddie Ift were talking and one of the things that this kid like was saying was that he never had to like struggle he were talking, and one of the things that this kid was saying was that he never had to struggle.

He never went out and did the shitty one-nighters. He's famous on YouTube. He's like, bam, right away, famous, doing big shows. That's pretty crazy, man. That's a new thing, man. Who was the first internet celebrity going back? Justin Bieber's the big one, right? No, no, I mean first, like 10 years ago,

15 years ago. Like was there an AOL celebrity back in the day? Well, when YouTube first started, it was the history of the dance guy became one of the ones that was the first YouTube sensation really to start commanding high dollar.

You're right. The Goatsy guy was the most famous guy on the internet. The Goatsy guy? Yeah. His butt hole. I wonder who that guy is. I mean, do you ever see his face? It's a guy who's, he's got his butthole face on the internet. The go-to guy? Yeah. I wonder who that guy is. I mean, do you ever see his face?

It's a guy who's got his butthole face in the camera. He's wearing a wedding ring, and he's stretching his asshole out, like pulling it like it's rubber. Yeah, I don't see that. And you're peering into the darkness, into the event horizon of his butthole. And it's an internet meme.

It's been on a million different things. It's all over the place. Yeah. People make Photoshop's of it In cloud patterns and shit It'll make your Beninette cry But no seriously If you think of the first real legit celebrity That was made off of the internet

Tila Tequila She's straight Just right from the internet You've got mail. She actually might have been the first. No, no. There has to. I mean, you're talking about like seven years ago.

I'm talking about like the internet came out a long ass time ago. Right, but there was no one like Tila Tequila that made their way into the public and became on television shows. Well, we never had video like that before. I mean, video and then social networks. Yeah. I'm just talking about the internet had was always a spot for celebrity to go like I used to look up like some of the celebrities have

brothers and shit like that and there's like Ricky Leach Ravolta John Travolta's brother and so he has a website and I was like there was a lot of funny shit on it back then but nothing like there is now with the content in the audio there's a sound you can go to soundcloud and youtube i mean yeah people are putting up nobody had the devices either nobody had flip video cameras and so it was a whole new age of when you introduce the small camera that's when and easy to upload with the usb connector it's just right in immediately hd phones and uh so you didn't have to have that

technology available to just a regular guy so now that they i mean it's easier to launch a video and look how when shit goes viral i mean a lot of people are talking about the voice yeah yeah and antoine thompson i mean that's a lot of fucking money to buy your mom a house i don't care if it's in alabama well, it was really because of that song. Those guys who created that auto-tune song. Those guys are very talented musicians. Sure, and then just auto-tune. I mean, auto-tune's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, you heard Carl Sagan's auto-tune? No, but have you heard that... I think it's the Woo Woo song. It's a local news in San Francisco. And I guess people are putting these mufflers on. Oh, yeah. They go woo woo. And they go down and it's local news auto-tune for that.

It's hilarious. It's all anything auto-tuning the news is funny. Yeah. You can't deny it. I think GarageBand's pretty amazing, too, the program where you can pretty much make your own song pretty easily. Don't they have programs like that for your phone now? Oh, yeah, yeah. For your iPhone?

Absolutely, absolutely. I don't know if we ever talked about it. There was this, back in the day, MySpace. Somebody linked one of my songs on their MySpace page and like stole it from my web host. And so like when he went to their MySpace page, it automatically played a song from your show for myself. So I, what I did is I took that file,

took it down and then made up a quick song and garage band about like, Oh, Stacy from, you know, Hollywood, California. I want you to suck my dick and made a whole song just about how I wanted to fuck this girl And stuff like that

And I replaced that song That file With the original file So that when people Went to our MySpace page It just started playing That song That's great

Yeah And I just love I don't know how Why I even thought about that But it's a pretty funny video That's funny When you can do that With hot linking

And speaking of MySpace I think yesterday Went officially Really just downsized Yeah They shut off Germany MySpace, I think they yesterday went officially really just downsized. Yeah, they shut off Germany. MySpace Germany is dead. Somebody tweeted me. MySpace cut all their employees like three months ago.

Like half of their employees they cut. And then they just did it again. Jordy, yeah. Yeah, Jordy was with, and now he's lucky, you know, he's with Comedy Central. But they, yeah, he was working. Remember, MySpace Comedy comedy was thriving i'm sure you did one of those secret shows yeah i did one of the secret shows i'm thinking about deleting my myspace live on the air what do you think do it if they're gonna cut shut up and ruin you know

it's funny how we did it with uh i think i forget who we did it with like jason tebow or something like that somebody deleted their myspace the other day live on air on a podcast. Jesus Christ. I can't even come up with one original idea. But watch how many steps it is. It's pretty hilarious. It was Ari. Ari did it.

It's a lot of steps. It was like three steps. They make it really hard. Like, are you sure? Yeah. Are you still have people on it trying to talk to you? Very, very, very, very few. Almost all of it is just.

Mine's completely dead as well. You want to go into mine? We'll get you a mind night very, very, very few. Almost all of it is just... Mine's completely dead as well. You want to go into mine? We'll get your mind out. Also, we'll duel. Yeah, duel one. I paid some money to have mine tricked out too at one point.

Sucks. Yeah. Did you have glitter tags? I don't know what he did. It seems like you would. Probably. He's a fake email address. I can't even say it.

Yeah, so if you want to delete your MySpace now too, we could have a double MySpace and I can't even say it. Yeah, so if you want to delete your MySpace now, too, and we could have a double MySpace, and I'm going to keep mine now. They hide this motherfucker. It's not easy. I don't even know where to go. Here, I'll tell you guys where to go.

Hold on. More. Delete MySpace. I can't even tell you. I don't even know if I know my password. Yeah, it's time to let it go. You know what I mean? It's like that girl

that you dated ten years ago and her phone number's still in your book. Throw that shit out, son. Move on. It's in your book. Listen to me. Your book. Who has a phone book anymore? Phone books are worth nothing. Fuck you and your phone book. I want to write it on paper like

some caveman. They're good for standing on. Why don't you just give me some burnt sticks, and I'll use it to carve the fucking numbers on a rock. How to delete? Did you do it? No, I can't even. You can't even figure it out? There you go.

There you go. Is that me? All right, if you decide to delete MySpace, what you do is... More? You go to My Account, and then... Where's My Account? It's under More. My Stuff to My Account, and then... Where's My Account? It's under More.

My Stuff. My Stuff. Account Settings right here. Account Settings. It looks different. I have to give them that. Yeah. It looks different, but it doesn't look better.

That logo is so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay. It's so gay.

It's so gay. It's so gay. Should we give them a chance now that they redesigned everything? No. Damn. Ow. We've committed to this, bro. Are you Al. We've committed to this, bro. Are you sure?

We've committed to this, man. They changed everything in here. It looks good. It's all white. Basic details. Remember those bad settings? Remember the constantly had those horrible fucking ads? Cancel account.

Here we go. You know, trying to click a shoot a smiley face or something. Brian, it's not just cancel account, right? It's delete it. I want to delete mine. Where's that? No, you want to cancel account. That's it? Yep.

We're sorry you want to leave. Please let us know why. You can really help us improve MySpace. There's not an it's over, bitch option. There's board, spam, privacy, and email. I'm going to go with spam because that's the one thing that annoyed me. Where is it, Joe? Where's the cancel account?

Cancel account. Under settings? Under settings. You go under account settings and privacy? Privacy and email I'm gonna go with spam Cause that's the one thing That annoyed me Where is it Joe? Where's the cancel account? Cancel account Under settings Under settings You go under account settings And privacy Account settings Account settings And privacy

Cancellation comments Thanks for the love And the laughs But it's over bitches It's not down there Yeah Oh there we go Privacy

But it's They do hide it They hide it below the fold Yeah And then just gotta Keep on scrolling down Over bitches privacy. But it's... They do hide it. They hide it below the fold. Yeah. And then you just gotta keep on scrolling down. Over. Bitches.

And you know what's even pisses me off? Cancel account, hoes. It's over. My request has been sent. You will receive an email shortly with instructions for confirming

that you managed to cancel. Yeah. Cancel cancel. Why won't you just let me walk away? See, that's what they're doing Now you have to go to your email and click on a link It's like a divorce

They want to pretend they have more people on MySpace Board, spam, privacy Continue it You know what sucks is that Facebook Just today has forced Their new profile on all the Facebook Book accounts Which sucks ass.

Really? How come? Because it, all right, when you go to Facebook, at least how I do it, the first thing I like to do is like, hmm,

is this person single? Is this, you know, look at their photos. Now they've hidden like this single part and it's just like this really shitty, like, it reminds me of a MySpace.

They've moved it all around and now it's just. Oh, you can change everything. There's actually companies that do that. Somebody just hit me up from a company to customize my Facebook page and make it look all tricked out. Yeah.

Well, now they used to let you go back. We talked about having to have a marketing degree to be a good stand-up comic. Right. I try. I got two kids. I work on them. You know, like, I really... I told you about my situation. You have a website, though. You have a website. I have a website. I know, like, I really, I told you about my situation.

You have a website, though. You have a website. I have a website. I have a Twitter and I have a Facebook. All you need to do is keep doing what you're doing. I'm in touch. If somebody emails me, I'll definitely get back to them. Twitter, by the way, is Al Madrigal.

A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L. Exciting stuff happening. But you should say it. Madrigal. Especially if you go on before Willie Barsena. You don't even say your real name right, bro. How many followers do you have? Closing in on 3,000.

Not too many. We're going to blow that out of the water today. Yeah, let's monitor. Here, I can't. We're going to jump you up to 5,000, you fucker. Al has been canceled today. Really? You got that kind of reach that I could just jump?

You got 2,835. Please follow Al Madrigal. You know what? If I get people to sign on i will i'm a funny guy i'll start putting funny shit out there i'm at war with my neighbors right now are you really yeah what's going on well i just i'm surrounded by old people and i'm surrounded by these three guys this isn't a bit this is real three three guys named phil i go old phil really old phil and then filipino ph's how I like... Filipino Phil is my ally.

Which one makes your banana cry? The Filipino one? But the other guys are constantly complaining. Banana cry. Yeah, it's going to be the new thing. Do you want me to make your banana cry? See, you talk about this on stage. Yeah.

I got to see it a bit. So anyway, I'm sorry. So I'm surrounded by old people, and it's's eagle rock it's an up-and-coming neighborhood still and there's a lot of cool people that live near me but at the same time i was just surrounded by old people that are in my business i went on my roof to clean up my gutters and it's like they all assembled below me well like i was conducting some you know double arp meeting and like and they're all in my business and At one point, I had three cars. I still have three cars right now.

And then I got, GM was nice enough to get me a Buick Enclave for the holiday and let me use that as just like perk through the PR department. And this thing is awesome. And it really is fucking an incredible vehicle. Anyway, so that shows up so i have four cars and the old people are stopping by constantly and go do you feel it's economical to have three vehicles and i can't help but just fuck with them and hate them wait a minute they ask you oh i have people in my shit constantly about my hedges my i mean and there's a guy

old guy who walks his dog by my house every fucking day and is so in my business. Like, it's stop. If I even show my head, he'll stop and start asking a million fucking questions. And so you live up here in this community where it's nice and there's not, I mean, your neighbors aren't on you. I have neighbors just on my ass. That sucks. Dude, I'm so not into that. Yeah, no, it sucks.

I don't even like this. I lived in the woods for three months. When I lived in Colorado, it was the perfect place for me. Oh, when I was driving up, I was like, this is how you do it. I have old people on my shit, and then also, you know, it's sort of a little gang-y-ish

sometimes, so. Really? Like somebody will ride a mini truck, will go, you know, down the street, and you have that guy, like, driving by really fast for no reason. You worry about that with your kids, the gangy part? Well, it's not. How old are your kids? Gang adjacent.

It's not really. Gang adjacent. It's not right in the shit. But it's close enough where it's going to become an issue in their life. Well, yeah, you can definitely stumble down to the wrong area and just get, well, anywhere you can get caught at the wrong time. But here it's highly unlikely. You know, I mean, I have a more realistic chance

of running into some bad people in my neighborhood. Yeah. And yeah, I worry about my wife being alone when I go to do stand-up and shit like that all the time. Yeah, yeah, I know that feeling. And even with household shit, if anything breaks, you know, we've had stuff where I've been on the road doing stand-up. I travel all over, just like not as much,

but I go out a fair amount. And yeah, my wife's home with two kids, and luckily we've got Filipino Frank there. So tell me, what's your issues with your war? Oh, they'll try to come and trim my shit. You know how you have... Hedges? Yeah, my dog was running out and barking the other day

and my neighbor was secretly trying to trim my fucking hedge. Wow. Why was he trimming your hedge? Just old and drunk and crazy. Like, just wasted. So did you talk to him? No.

They brought over a letter. See, that's what I'm talking about. I feel crazy about this. I'm like, you want a war? I'll bring you war. God. I didn't say that, but that's how I feel. They all get all pissed and bent out of shape. I'm not, you want a war? I'll bring you war. God. I didn't say that, but that's how I feel.

They all get all pissed and bent out of shape. I'm not talking to a neighbor for two years over parking. We had construction people over our house, and the Latino guys parked there, and he came running back, the old guy, and fucking started yelling at the Latino guys to move their car. It's a public street.

Anybody can fucking park there. I'm at war. I won't even talk to the fucking guys. Suburban war. It really is ridiculous. People claim their turf and the real issue is people are not supposed to be on top of each other like this. No, they really not. This is nothing compared to apartments, man. Apartments are where it's

really brutal. Right on top of each other. I had an apartment in North Hollywood where I had a pool table. And I lived on the second floor and there was this crazy gay couple that lived on the first floor. And he was like the landlord, too. What is it called? The superintendent. He was always

controlling things. He didn't know in the building, but he ran it. So I had a pool table installed in my living room. I had a big living room. And the reason why I got this big living room was because I could get a pool table. I wanted a pool table in the living room. So i had installed then he comes knocking the door what is what's going on in there's a lot of movement there's a lot of movement up here and i go oh i got a pool table he goes you're you jumping around are you working out or something i

go no no no i'm just walking around the pool table look in as he's talking making shots yeah and he goes okay i'm gonna have to ask you to not do that when I'm home because it's just like I'm in the living room and all I hear is creak, creak, creak, creak, creak, creak. And I'm like, so you're saying that because of the structural instability of this shithead fucking apartment building, you don't want

me walking in my living room because it's annoying? I started changing my wireless password because they're right on top of you, right? Right. So everybody in my... So I changed my wireless... No, my network name.

I can change it to anything I want. Right. So I put like, weed your lawn. Yeah, that's hilarious. I put it back in. I changed my network. And then they look on like, are we Link, sis?

Or fucking weed your lawn? Hey. Hey, son of a bitch. Yeah, quit trimming my fucking hedges. Oh, that's great. Wow. shit like that that's funny they try to steal

off your fucking wireless yeah yeah man that's creepy when you have neighborhoods man there's always that one kid that lives down the brock

that's gonna steal your fucking shit when you're not looking yeah someone has some troubled 16 year old troubled youth walking around

always man my friend of mine got his fucking bike stolen some fucking kid down the street I saw this kid just walking up the block just walking up

just you know just looking around not doing anything where's that guy fucking going you know he's walking up first of all in LA

very few people without a dog walking right and they don't have you know chicks have lululemon on or something like that

you know they're dressed in outfits when you see just a lone fucking thug it's like seeing an ant just away from the rest of the important to live in a nice spot so important to live in a quiet spot just try to find a quiet nice spot and that's why so many people go to the suburbs yeah it's like you go to downtown cleveland it's shut down there's nothing there every single store is released and shit like that i couldn't find a department store my wife sometimes helps me pack. No underwear.

So I go to buy underwear in downtown Cleveland. Not a department store. It's like Walgreens or Brooks Brothers. And that's the only two little things that they had. Cleveland's weird. Because everybody moved out to a quieter place. Is that what it is? Yeah.

Well, it's also the jobs disappeared, right? Isn't that what happened with Cleveland? Some plants got shut down or something? Yeah. And Detroit. You know, people went south, went to Columbus and Cincinnati. I mean, Cleveland used to be the biggest city in Ohio. It used to be like the flats.

It used to be the place to be, the cool part of Ohio. Now it's scary. And there was an improv down there. That's a real dump. The Cleveland one? I think I did it once Well they have They just gave out So many passes

They completely ruined the room That's what a lot of Comedy clubs do Is just the quality They're just giving out Passes They give out free passes So the tickets are free

So they're selling booze And the tickets have no value A lot of places believe That they're in the Liquor business Not the comedy business And they just want people Inside drinking

Well I see their point, man. You've got to keep the fucking wolves away. It's like for a lot of these places, like in the middle of nowhere, it's real hard. And a lot of the comics that are getting shipped down there are terrible. How many times have you been in a club and you look at the lineup and you're like, what do they got going on here? And you read their calendar and you're like, oh, Jesus, fuck.

And you just imagine these poor people having to come and sit and watch this. Some kid told me a quote that I was working with. He said he was at a show and this comic was so bad. Some old black lady yells out, you're ruining my free passes. Oh, my God. That was the best

thing that sums everything up. You're ruining my free passes. That's hilarious. You're ruining my free passes. That's hilarious. I got this for free and I hate it. This is horrible. That's so funny. And that's why a lot of people get

when you're a comedy promoter, you do free beer. There's always got to be something else that will justify the fucking move. Yeah, it's a tough fucking business, man. Any sort of bar, restaurant business, tough fucking business, man. Any sort of bar,

restaurant business, own a pool hall, anything like that, any nighttime business, those fucking things are hard, man. And when times are tough like they are now,

the economy gets shitty and then it becomes, you know, like then they really don't want to go out. They don't want to take a chance to just go see comedy.

You know, if they know someone is going to be there, you know, Bill Burr is in town. Oh, okay, let's go see him. You know, I know who he is. Yeah, Stan Help has that joke Bill Burr is in town. Oh, okay, let's go see him. You know, I know who he is.

Yeah, Stan Help has that joke that he used to, you know, it's like, how many people are here to see me? How many people are here to see comedy? And then half of them reply. And it's like, you don't do that with anything else. You don't go just roll into, you know, too many things in a movie. It's also, you know, I've said this before, but I'll say it again. The real problem Is the generic

Label comedy It's like You don't go to see Live music Not knowing If you're going to get Barry Manilow Or Guns N' Roses

Or you know A rap band You know But with comedy You could get that And you could get that All on the same night You can get like

Five different comics Can go out At the improv And they all have Five different Totally different acts Sure John Reap

And Eddie Griffin Maybe Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Polar opposites. Bob Oshak. You know, just these drastic differences. You know Bob Oshak can't call into the store anymore? Really? Yeah, they told him he's too old. Why? Are you serious? But yet then

what's-his-name still can go there every day? Yeah, he's got his thing. Wow. Yeah. What's-His-Name still can go there every day? Yeah, he's got his thing. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

The motherfucking Simon Kitties. Bob Oshak is a very funny comedy writer and a very funny comedian. I mean, you should look him up. He's incredible. And also, when you sit and listen to the guy, that is a perfect talk about alliteration and the story. I mean, just top notch. He's a great character. Yeah.

He would be a great talk show host. He was, I think, for a while. That's when he moved to Florida, and he was working on one of those good morning shows as the field correspondent. When was he doing this? He moved away from L.A., I'd say, three years ago. Really?

And once he got via, you can type in Bob Oshak on YouTube and see him as a morning correspondent. Wow. So that fell apart and he came back to L.A.? It was a big gig, and they just moved back to Los Angeles. Yeah. So Bob Oshak in the morning or whatever. Does he have kids?

Yeah, he has two kids about the same age as mine, you know, in that eight and four range. I can't believe they're telling him not to get spots. Did he play David Letterman in that old movie about him? No. No, no, no. But he always, he has this look about him like where he really looks like a young Dave Letterman. He was voted by Oprah Yeah To be one of the top

Speaking of Oprah We were talking about That's how we first met It was over some old Oprahs Watching Well we did stand up together And we went up to my house And just sat there baked

11 years ago Watching old Oprah footage Yeah we were doing bong hits In Al Magical's couch Watching Oprah from like the 80s When she had big hair I was like, do you think she's rich? Or did she have plastic surgery?

What's happening right now? Why? We were just sitting there And I think there were people around us But me and you were just sitting watching the Oprah Like there was a little bit of a gathering And people were talking It was your brother

And I think your wife Before she was your wife And some other person One other person Yeah, a couple other people And so we're just completely focused on this old Oprah.

And we were barbecued and you know how when you're barbecued something's like all of a sudden like why have I never seen it like this before? It was so strange.

It was like we were watching like an alien film. It didn't even look real. Anyway, Oshak was on Oprah and touted as one of the next great comedians.

And nobody knows comedy like that bitch. Yeah. That's what our whole new network's about. Watch out, Comedy Central. Yeah. Own. Girl. It's like the white version of Def Jam.

What? Own. So nothing on Oshak? You didn't find any? We don't have to pull them over. It doesn't matter. That's right. It's just another one of those stories.

Another story. It's been the interesting thing about just another one of those stories. Another story. It's been the interesting thing about being a comedian and living in L.A. is watching the whole story of humanity unfold for many different people and many different players. They take their part in the game, and they all go through it, and you get to watch them. A lot of them you get to learn from, too. Just learn from their fuck-ups and learn from even their successes.

You can sort of pick the path that you want to go. It's like choose your own adventure. It's like, am I going to be like that dude, or am I going to end up like that dude? And then you get to go, am I going to go into the cave, or am I going to choose to go to space? You have to make choices along the way. And if you fuck up, then you might go off in some other positive direction, but not necessarily.

I mean, there's a lot of choices to be made. Like I was talking about, I've been on, like I was talking about, I've been on fucking six pilots or something like that at this point since I've taught, you know, we've met. And not one of them has really taken off. It's been weird. And one of them could have taken off immediately. Yeah, you could end up like... You could get super duper

lucky. And not to say you were lucky at all. I was lucky. News radio and shit. Look, there's no doubt I was lucky. The first two things I ever auditioned for, I got. The first two shows. I didn't go on a bunch of auditions like a lot of actors. I auditioned for one thing when I was living in New York. I got it.

Came out to California. That got canceled. I auditioned for news radio. I got that. Bam. No acting experience at all. It's total luck. There's no getting away from it.

I was in the right place at the right time when they were looking for stand-ups on sitcoms. That's all it is. So it's a's total luck. There's no getting away from it. It was just I was in the right place at the right time when they were looking for stand-ups on sitcoms. That's all it is. So it's a lot of luck. You know, I could have had the same thing as you. It could have been six different pilots and nothing happened or it could have been one and they decided it was a douche. And Ray Romano actually had that part before you did. You talked about that. In news radio, yeah. Yeah. He had it, but I didn't

take it from him. I took it from the guy who took it from him. Aha. That's even better. They decided somewhere along the line that they were going to go in some different direction. And meanwhile, it turned out to be the greatest thing ever for Ray Romano. Fuck News Radio. Ray Romano made like $800 million or something. We saw him the other night. Do you know him?

Yeah, I know him real well. And he seemed like an incredibly humble and cool. Yeah, he's a very cool guy. He's as down to earth as possible. He hasn't changed at all. He's a very cool guy. He's as down-to-earth as possible. He hasn't changed at all. He's the same guy. And he was talking about something that I can totally relate to, too. When we were at the taping of Paul Provenza's Green Room.

He did it the night before I did it. And by the way, kiddies, I had a conversation with Mark Maron. We're both going to do each other's podcasts. Yeah. I think that'll be good. There's no real beef there. Yeah. This is a big Twitter issue.

So anyway He Yeah people keep asking me to do it Whatever Long story That's why With the other thing I don't want any beef

I hear you I hear you It's distracting It's a waste of time That's all it is It's a waste of time And you really think about a pride And shit like that

It's like Shut up I don't Who gives a fuck Just go to work You know It's like the war of art I just want to do my shit

Yeah I hear you I'm exactly the same way Anyway Ray Romano was talking about how, you know, even after all these years, I do these shows. It sounds like Kermit the Frog. A little bit, yeah. He said even after he does all these years,

and he does these shows at the Mirage in Vegas or wherever he goes, and, you know, massive fucking crowd. He said he still feels like a fraud. Imposter. Yeah. He feels like when he gets stepping out there that all these people are sure.

I think he goes, I think at any moment we're going to just turn around and just point a finger at me and go, you're a dick. We don't really like you. Yeah. You know,

and that is what it feels like. It's a it's a weird thing. Like as you, you know, do comedy all these years and, you know, and people are there to see you and they're all psyched up

and they're cheering when they're bringing your name. And as you're walking to the stage, you're like, what the fuck am I even doing? Tom Papa told me great stories about that. Like he'd worked to sell out comedy clubs and then he started selling out some comedy clubs

and then he moved to the smaller theaters. And then as a guy in a smaller theater, he didn't take a moment to go, this is it, I'm in the smaller theater. He started thinking about getting in bigger theaters. Like that was his real, like are we filling this one okay we're filling this theater and then we're gonna move to a bigger theater you know he wasn't satisfied right with the little theater you know

where i'm thinking oh my god if i can get to a theater i don't give a shit what size it is yeah that's like the jump off point yeah for comics. So you always aspire to theaters. Yeah, exactly. Theaters are a lot of work, though, man. Sure. It's a lot of work to try to sell them, unless you've got this giant following, you know? I was on the road with Mitch Hedberg,

and he told a story about him and Lynn trying to think they could do a theater on their own, and they didn't need a promoter. And it was sold out at this comedy club forever, and they were just going to try to do it, and he said it was an absolute disaster. Really? Like half full, they lost money

or barely broke even. Well they probably didn't have the internet in full effect back then. No, not at all. Because I remember Mitch Hedberg's website was bunk. It was like it looked like somebody put it together out of Netscape Navigator and built a website page. Greg Shaley did that. You know Greg Shaley? He goes around with Stanhope.

Yeah, Greg Shaley did that website. It's a terrible website. It really is. It's an older style. It never changes. There's no updates going on there. Right. And so he didn't have a regular blog or he didn't have a message board.

So it's hard to get the word out. You've got to have a lot of shit going on. Yeah, yeah. A lot of different connections. Well, now there's also so many different applications that you can use that allow the communication to be just – it's a lot of different connections. Well, now there's also so many different applications that you can use that allow it, you know, the communication to be just, you know, it's a lot easier before you're doing, you know, just emails if you're doing that

or some weird email newsletter with asterisks, you know, as a separation points, you know, and there's a lot more out there now. It's easy. I mean, you got to be a fucking marketing major to do all this shit. I got Twitter. I got to keep track of all this

stuff. And then you're talking about tricking out Facebook pages and we just deleted our MySpace pages. It's like staying on top of this shit. Well, it's got to become a part of your life. It really does. And I love the fucking news stream. I did that with, I was in Dallas with Hal Sparks. He dropped by. Hal Sparks

was here. We had him on the podcast. Yeah, we had a really surreal thing. We were at a strip club that tripled the Lodge. You know that place? The Lodge. Where's it at? In Dallas. Dallas.

And there was a monkey there. Wow. So it was me and Hal and a monkey and fucking strippers. It was really fucking weird. We went to dinner with that guy's radio show, Big Dick Hunter. Okay, yeah, Dallas guy. Richard Hunter, yeah, he's a good guy. And so we were there, and his wife works at the Lodge,

which is a great strip club. We were talking about strip clubs being seedy after you have kids and shit like that. This is a really fucking nice one. It's top notch. Right. That's the thing. It's like the higher quality.

I seem to enjoy everything luxury at this point yeah right I want everything to be top notch I've seen the best hotel room you know

and shit like that and everything is going to be held up in comparison to that at this point once you fly first class it's difficult to fucking go on a

southwest flight crammed in in a minute I know you don't realize how things can be nice holy shit everything can be nice

and the same thing is true with strip clubs you know like there's the bad ones we in it's disgusting like you said becoming a germaphobe you know and I'm thinking about all these other dudes I was in Tempe and I was early on in my comedy career I went to a strip club during the day that's what you do check right in right there on the day and by the way you know how 3148 followers that's amazing that just gave you like 400 followers easily bam boom like that you guys respond that's the diamond like it respect i'm sorry so you went to a strip club during the day which is never a good time never a good time i remember going to a bachelor party and this

was one of the best places like fantasy sequence like fantasy sequence. Two girls at one time. It was half off beers, half off lap dances. Wow. Or five lap dances for one or some crazy thing. Five lap dances for one. No, it was a dream sequence for a strip club. Perfect ASU chicks well before being married. And I go in there, and during the day when I was by myself, old guy just in the corner in a wheelchair.

And this girl, he's a regular, and this girl who's really hot goes up to him and starts rubbing on him. And I was looking at her before, and she starts like, he's like, hey, John, how are you today? Did you get the grilled cheese? And like having a small talk. And she spends like 30 minutes with him and then comes directly up to me afterwards and goes do you want dance i go i looked around i go no absolutely not

what the fuck you see what you just did you just rubbed up against death and i'm gonna fucking get a lap dance it's disgusting so i'm saying this place the lodge in dallas is actually really fucking nice and beautiful not Not like that place. Not like the place with the old lady. There's a tricky thing, man, with old dudes, man. Old dudes, like, they get taken at strip clubs all the time. You know, they become, like, a part of the landscape. When Eddie Bravo used to be a DJ at a strip club, I used to go and visit him.

Of course he was. And for years, for like 10 years. That's awesome. And I would go and visit him at work, and he had, like, you get to know the ecosystem of the place. You get to know how it works. Yeah. And you get to see, like, he was dating this girl, right?

And the girl was over by the DJ booth, and I'm talking to her, and I'm like, yeah, so what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, we're just talking. She's talking totally normal like this, and all of a sudden this guy walks in, and the guy had, like had a poster worker's jacket on So he's not a guy who makes a ton of money He works for the post office

So he comes in He's got a baseball hat on Looks like he's probably about 50 And she all of a sudden turns it on And I saw it And it was shocking It was like when you see your cat kill a mouse For the first time

You ever see a cat kill a mouse And you love that cat. But all of a sudden, bang, that cat is fucking this mouse up. And you're like, whoa, you evil bitch. Like, I never knew this about you. Well, you know, I'm talking to her. She seems totally normal. And this guy comes in.

She's like, hey, baby. And she comes running over to this guy. And you can see this poor fuck is just smitten. He is just so sad. And she's like, oh, my God, you're here. And she puts her one hand on his lower back and one hand on his chest. And he's got his arms around her, both of them clasped behind him. And she's like rubbing up against him.

I'm like, whoa, I'm watching a victim. She's going to inject him with venom and suck all the money out of him. This guy had bought her a truck. He bought her a Yukon Denali. She was having problems with her car, so he bought her a fucking car, an expensive one, one of those super luxuried-out Denalis.

They're just like Cadillacs, like Escalades. No, just as nice, but just for trunk space. Dude, it was the craziest thing ever. I was watching it, and it was like, whoa. But this is nature, man. This is just as natural as any other thing, you know,

just as natural as a bug that gets caught in a spider's web and gets zapped with venom. Well, and also marriage, you know,

a lot of these guys married way too early. I mean, just think back then they were getting married at 20, 25, so they're trapped in these relationships.

They grow into different people. Right. There's no wonder there's so much divorce. So then you're trapped with this woman who just becomes fucking nasty

and then they get those mom haircuts so they all look like they have that little lesbian mom haircut about them and like denim jeans and all kinds of weird mom jeans.

They give up all together on their bodies and then he can go to a strip club and be with a 10 and all it costs is maybe $22,000 after you get that car

wholesale like that. And here he's got this 10 that's just all over him on a regular basis. $10,000, and all it costs is maybe $22,000 after you get that car wholesale. And here he's got this $10,000 that's just all over him on a regular basis. That was his, apparently, his modus operandi, this guy's thing, was to come there after work and just hang out. He would hang out for hours and hours and hours and just give this chick all of his money. Like, literally gave this chick all of his money. Every day it was like a new $1,000. $1,000 here, $1,000 there, $1,000 here, $1,000 there. Yeah, I can never do that.

That's another part with strip clubs is i'm too worried like i started thinking like if i took this money and went to ash i could get i really think about yeah now orchard supply hardware like oh god house supplies yeah i get that i do i'm yeah i gotta work on my place it's tripper money cuts into my home yeah that's mad's mad money. That's like, I'm a, you know, that's, I'm a baller. Seriously, yeah, taking it and

throwing it away. Let's throw away all this money. Yeah. I think about that all the time, even if it's going out drinking

or something like that. I'm like, shit, I just, you know, went out to eat and I spent, you know,

$60. I could have went and bought a, you know, fucking groceries. I hate that. Yeah, you can get like

the best steak ever at a supermarket for like 20 bucks. Yeah, not even. I hate that scene. Yeah, you can get the best steak ever at a supermarket for like $20. Yeah, not even with $20. Well, if you get a big, fat, thick one, aren't they like $20? Yeah. Steaks are like $20. Well, that's also riding the wave of these comedy careers because at some point you can get, like look at a guy like Elon Gold.

You know the comic? He's always been on shows. He was on that show Stacked with Pamela Anderson. He's been on sitcoms. He's got four kids. Wow, does he really? Yeah. He's got an impressionist.

He looks like Elon Gold, Seinfeld, and shit like that. He does a lot of good impressions. He's a very good impressionist. He does good impressions of comics. Yeah, he's very funny. Anyway, so he is on these shows, and the shows go away. And he has to sort of ride it out And save as much money as he possibly can

I'm in the same boat It's like I got a deal And then I have nothing Well the key is to keep the stand-up going So that you always have something If your stand-up is strong And you headline all over the country And you get a big following

And especially develop an internet presence Then you don't have to ever worry about things Because you always got money coming in And you can always sort of hustle I mean I'm not making a ton of money doing stand-up yeah but you can I can make a living I can definitely make what somebody that guy in the post office but you could but listen you could be making a ton of money doing stand-up you have the stamp the comedy chops it's just a matter of getting your comedy out there to more

people yeah that's the thing I don't have a great product no no no that's the thing people come out to see me live live. It's nothing but good shows. Bill Burr, I talk to him a lot and he told me it's killing in obscurity. He goes, 2001 to 2006

was my killing in obscurity phase because I was just crushing it everywhere you go. Nobody knows who the fuck you are and then it just

starts to snowball and snowball and you get on this thing and that thing happens and it's just getting the people in notoriety to have people be familiar with your shit and then you know it'll just all start to fucking happen yeah the key is just to keep doing comedy when i was on news radio like i was always constantly getting encouraged by people to not do it anymore they were like why

do comedy you're you're on you're on you're an actor now look at like a paul reiser who's just could have been you know stein kept going, all these guys. Ray Romano still does stand-up. Kevin James, I think, is still going out. Reiser doesn't do it at all anymore? Reiser just stopped altogether. I was like, thank God. You know what?

Working with Helen Hunt for 10 years probably crushes every comedy instinct you have. Every day, you're probably like, what the fuck am I doing for money? I mean, Michael Keaton was a stand-up. There's all these actors. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton. money? I mean, Michael Keaton was a standup. There's all these actors that, Michael Keaton.

Michael Keaton. I haven't seen any Michael Keaton standup. Batman was a standup. What happened to Michael Keaton? Stopped working. He's still in shit? No, he's working. For a long time,

he stopped. Wow. He stopped. Yeah. He, he dropped off and became like this, kind of like character actor guy. He went from being like this main movie star

to like a break and then now he's a character actor, which is really kind of a fascinating transition. Well, he was in the movie The Good Guys with the other guys with Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg. He's really funny then. He keeps bringing up TLC references.

It's just weird that, you know, he was a giant movie star at one point in time. Remember? The clone movie? He was fucking Batman. Three men and a baby. Remember that? Was he in that?

Wasn't he? Tom Guttenberg was in that with Steve Guttenberg. Steve Guttenberg, sorry. Here's a Steve Guttenberg story. Steve Guttenberg, he's lost his mind. Yeah, and he used to be another one. He used to be a big movie star and now the guy can't get arrested.

He doesn't do anything. Well, the day Phil Hartman was murdered, Steve Guttenberg shows up at Phil Hartman's house and he didn't know Phil. I mean, if he knew him, he knew him like casually.

Like he didn't know him like I knew him or like, you know, someone who worked with him on Saturday Night Live might have known him. He barely knew the guy. So he shows up

with a fucking suit and tie standing in front of Phil Hartman's house and acting as like a liaison between the entertainment industry and the press and trying to ask the press to use respect and to use good judgment. No way. Yeah, to leave his family alone, his trying time.

And the way he did it was... What a Weasley move. It was so creepy, dude. It was so like this poor fucking guy like something happened like he he blew a fuse or something something something he had he must have had some sort of a breakdown because the idea of him even doing this was his neighbor or anything no nowhere near him wow there was a few famous neighbors too he lived down the street from sam adams i Sam Adams. Samuel Jackson.

Yeah. Sam Adams. The fuck's wrong with me? I mean, he had a bunch of famous neighbors. And it wasn't someone saying, hey, this is my neighbor. Please leave him alone. It was a guy who just shows up and he says,

the cameras are going to be here. I'm just going to get on camera and I'm going to speak for the... And he thought he was like, yeah, it's some sort of a message. But the real message that everybody was getting out of it was like,

why the fuck is Steve Guttenberg there with a suit and tie on in front of a murder scene? Well, that's the same thing. Do you remember Brian Holtzman at the Freddie Soto Memorial? Did you ever hear about that? No. Where he goes, just yells out and half you motherfuckers here don't even know Freddie. Just trying

to fucking see if there's a manager or an agent. You fucking fuck. Yeah, everybody. Look at all you motherfuckers. It's true, though. He's right. One of Freddie's friends. You fuck fuck. Yeah, look at everybody. Look at all you motherfuckers. It's true, though. He's right. One of Freddie's friends, you never, one of Freddie's friends admitted to never being a virgin. Right.

During the memorial, he goes, I knew Freddie would get the biggest kick out of this. And so I'm going to do it. And he goes, I need to tell everybody now. He goes, I'm a virgin. Foltzman goes up after him and goes, first line is, he goes, oh, fuck that virgin. It's a memorial. The place goes. Oh, my God.

I mean, that's how funny Holtzman is. Anyway, so he then proceeds to say, look at you motherfuckers, like all looking around like somebody's here. you motherfuckers, like all looking around like somebody's here. And then Joey Diaz, the best thing, at the Marilyn Martinez Memorial, went off on this guy Jeff Valdez. I think he's just, look at everybody, Jeff Valdez is there. Fuck you, Jeff Valdez. You cocksucker. Marilyn fucking hated you, and we all fucking hate you.

Fuck you, Jeff, at the memorial. Whoa. Marilyn would love to fuck, and then I'm doing this for you now. Joey, it was one of the, um. Wow. I had my hands on my face, and I was going, thank you, Joey. Thank you, Joey. Is the guy that much of a douchebag?

He's a douchebag, you know? He's like one of these guys who would, you step on your own fucking mother. That's what he's yelling out. Yeah. Wow. It was pretty. That's what he's yelling out yeah wow it was pretty because he knew Marilyn would love it that just like that guy told the story he goes Marilyn would want me to do this and she would and she would I went on the road with her I was like this is weird I mean I've been on the road with Marilyn Martinez Mitch Hedberg this other guy um passed

away uh Dan Crawford then I was very good friends with In San Francisco Which is horrible We do a benefit If you ever do San Francisco Punchline The Dan Crawford Memorial Fund

You know we give a comic A free liquor tab For the whole year Oh really? For the scholarship Because this guy was just A great guy A great partier

And he was one of my good friends And he just fucking died Get away from me He went to What did he die from? Oh I'm sorry yeah Brian just moved away Why'd you move away. He went to... What did he die from? Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. Brian just moved away. Why'd you move away?

He went to the hospital. He was a comic living in his dad's basement. Okay. And he went to the hospital with a headache, a public hospital. He didn't have insurance. He's a comic. Right. 24 years old.

And they said, no, we can't help you. And they sent him away. And then he went back and says, really bad. You gotta help me. And they gave him Vicodin. And he went back to the garage. And they found him convulsing on the floor because he had bacteria had gotten in his brain and if had they seen him the first time when he walked in he would totally be alive he was just a comic he

was a guy kid without health insurance so I mean if anybody's up in the Bay Area when I'm doing the Dan Crawford scholarship thing in March, and we raise money to give to a free clinic. How will they find out about the date? Twitter? Yeah, I'll definitely put it on Twitter. Okay, so Al Magical on Twitter. Wow, man.

So that shit happens all the time. So I've been around all these guys. I mean, and Greg Giraldo I've been friends with. Did you know about Jerry Red Wilson? Did you know Jerry Wilson? You know, I heard that happening, but I didn't know the guy. Jerry Red Wilson is another great guy. I knew him from the scene in New York.

Really funny guy. A lot of ethnic humor. Irish kid. They call him Jerry Red Wilson. Gets a pilot. His pilot's in the middle of shooting. I think it went, but it got canceled. Anyway, the kid's always working.

He's in the mix. And he's got a headache. He's got some fucking problem. He goes to the mix. And he's got a headache. He's got some fucking problem. He goes to the hospital, and he's waiting in line. I guess he's waiting in the waiting room for like an hour and a half. And he can't take it anymore. Fuck this. I'm getting out of here.

And he has to go to Hawaii to film the Fantasy Island, the new version of Fantasy Island. And by the time he gets there, he's so fucked up that he dies. He had meningitis. Yeah. And he had, like, green shit leaking out of his ears. He had, like, some serious fucking infection in his brain. And he just let it go. You need to find a place where you can go get checked out.

Yeah. Well, he had money. That's the problem. But he just ignored the shit. He was one of those impatient guys. Fuck this. I ain't got time for this. Let's get out of here.

You know, his career was taken off. He had a million things going on. He was one of those guys you would talk to him, and he was one of those impatient guys. Fuck this. I ain't got time for this. Let's get out of here. You know, his career was taking off. He had a million things going on. He was one of those guys you would talk to him, and he was just so obsessed with it. He was like, well, we've got a deal right now with Universal. If that doesn't get picked up, we've got more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, he was just like hustling.

He was hustling, yeah. Yeah, he was making it happen. So for him, that hour and a half sitting in that waiting room was just killing him. So he leaves, and he fucking dies. You know, shit. And you're not supposed to fly with a sinus infection. They tell you that all the time.

You're not supposed to fly with that shit at all. Really? I flew once when I had pneumonia. Oh know, shit. And you're not supposed to fly with a sinus infection. They tell you that all the time. You're not supposed to fly with that shit at all. I flew once when I had pneumonia. Oh my God. I've flown when I've, because I've got to get to a stupid gig. Yeah.

And I just, I'll fly. When I go to the Pacific Northwest, it feels like my head's going to fucking explode. Wow. So you do that shit all the time and you, I mean, you got to, I sometimes get a little overboard

hypochondriac a little bit. Well, you know, I got sick for the first time this year in fucking years. I haven't gotten sick. And I slacked off. And here's one of the reasons why. I take a lot of probiotics. I drink kombucha.

This kombucha tea is fucking super good for your health. Coconut juice is healthy. Coconut juice is great too. But what happened with kombucha is they got in trouble with Whole Foods because their shit was more than one half of 1% alcohol. So it has to be labeled. So they watered the fuck down. They watered their formula, like seriously watered it down. 1% alcohol.

Where it tastes like shit. It does not taste near. It's GT's kombucha. It used to taste awesome. It was like very carbonated, very strong. And I really enjoyed the flavor. But then it became like this. Literally, it feels like it's half water and half what it used to be.

And I just, I think it's not nearly as active, like the probiotics in it. I don't think they're nearly as strong. So I got sick, like for the first time ever. Do you really think that's why you got sick? Yeah, you know why? Absolutely, this is why I think it, because I've never been sick before,

and I've been drinking that shit almost every day. So it changes within a month of it changing i go and i get sick for the first time i um i really think that makes sense i went to a vitamin shop and i walked in there and i was deathly ill and i said what are you selling all the time that works for immunity and i stuff flying off the shelf what is it and he took me to a thing called Sambucol. Black elderberry shit that you drink and there's pills for it. I would take that on a regular basis whenever I get sick. Cleaned right off. I mean, it really does work.

There are definitely probiotics, and what they do is they attack all the negative shit in your body, all the unhealthy bacteria. It's like you're keeping healthy troops on hand. Acidophilus is a big one. I hadn't taken acidophilus in forever. The reason why is because I was drinking this kombucha all the time. I was like, I don't need to supplement Acidophilus is a big one. I hadn't taken acidophilus in forever. I see that. The reason why is because I was drinking this kombucha all the time. I was like, I don't need to supplement with acidophilus.

I'm getting plenty of probiotics from this. So then once this stuff went bad, I started taking acidophilus again. Now I take acidophilus every day. Is it milk? Yeah, it's a milk culture. Yogurt. You can buy it in pills. You can buy it live for them.

You have to keep it refrigerated. But it's especially as you get older, man. You start being real cognizant of your health. I go to a gym and I've been trying to go every single day. My resolution is holding up so far. Even if I just go for a little bit, I get my heart going and I stretch.

I'm just trying to keep everything in shape. If you don't talk into the microphone, dude, your voice varies significantly. Sorry, I'm looking at you at the same time no it's all right let's turn so we don't have to do that because it's like your voice is like real low and then all of a sudden it's real high so the people on the ecliptical machine right now with their headphones in and like this fucking al magical tell them where the mic is sorry that's not just see where the sign is where the words are yeah that's the part we should talk to.

Ah, perfect. I was on the top of it. You were ready, dude. You were right there. Anyway, so you go to the gym. Yeah, taking better care of myself. I feel like I could, when I saw that UFC fight for the first time, I felt like I could fucking get in there and fuck somebody up. I certainly feel like I have the mindset for it.

Like, I really feel like I could kick somebody's ass. What killer? I used to fire people. You know that was my job when you first met me, is that I, like, up in the air with George Clooney. Yeah. I used to be, I'm a, I terminated over a thousand people. Wow. Really? Yeah.

I'm just like, that was my job at my parents' family business, is that I used to be the fucking hatchet man. Wow, you got some negative karma shit going on. Well, no, they deserved it for the most part, so, but sometimes you had to, it's an unfortunate time. It's like, it's not, it for the most part. But sometimes you had an unfortunate time. It's like a privilege to be working and having somebody pay you. If you had a fucking employee and you didn't have the money anymore,

there's nothing else we can do. There's a bunch of different ways of looking at this economy being all fucked up. And I see some people who are very pragmatic look at it like, hey, you know what? These jobs that these people are losing, these jobs weren't important in the first place. These motherfuckers, you know, we lost all our jobs overseas, and what we need to do is strengthen our economy,

and this is just a symptom of a bigger evil. I see that, but an individual one-on-one basis, man. Whenever I think about these people that are going broke and people that are losing their houses and people that don't know what to do, especially if I think that they're dumb and that their occupation options are limited and then they have children and shit too. It's like, fuck, man. These poor fucks were led to believe

that this whole thing, that this ship was going to sail and it's going to be fine. Well, also it's what you were talking about with stand-up. If you just decide to check out and work and you reach a $30,000 job and you say, this is it.

This is all I need. My father-in-law did that shit. He's the type of guy who would go and sit in a big recliner and get like a thirsty two ouncer and just fucking sit there and watch TV. No aspirations to do anything.

And he'd please God, but people are fucking like that. There's a lot of people like that. A lot of people like that. You just become complacent. You're like, this is good right here. I don't know if it's bad.

I think there's a machine going on, man. I think we're all little pieces of this fucking giant machine. You know, and I think you can look at it like what you're doing is very important and that what you're doing has meaning to it, but really it has meaning to you and it has

meaning to the people who like it. But what is its place in the overall grand scheme? I don't know, man. I mean, these people sitting there with drinks, they might be on to something. They might be on to something. The guy who was the bouncer just sat there with the power and no job. That guy was not on to something.

I don't believe that. I think that guy needs to get a real fucking job. Certainly we could use more. 40-year-old super genius. Yeah, we need all the super geniuses. Tell people not to puke on his shoes. Yeah, working on good projects. Yeah, no hats.

Yeah. Fuck. Are you super genius? Yeah, no hats. Yeah, no hats. My favorite is they tell you how genius? Yeah, no hats. Yeah, no hats. My favorite is like they tell you how to wear your hat, like no hats backwards. I kind of like wearing hats backwards. That's how I wear hats.

Especially because when I play pool, I can see the balls better. I don't want a big fucking floppy bill. But I went into a pool hall once and the guy's like, you got to turn your cap around. Like, what? You got to turn my hat around? Like, really? That's your rule? That's sloppy.

And hat around in front ways. Oh, that's fucking so much better. I look like a gang member. A perfect gentleman. Yeah. Especially when you wear it up high a little bit. Oh, the other thing was no wallet chains. Couldn't have wallet chains either.

I had to put my wallet chain in my pocket. Whip somebody. Choke out. Gotham. Gotham Comedy Club. Remember that? Did they have no wallet chains? No.

No hats allowed at Gotham Comedy Club. I'm like, this is a comedy club. And they were still getting it on me while you were filming there. I'm like, no, I'm with Joe. And they still were like, can you take it off? Wow. Come on. That's so silly.

What looks worse, a hat or a hat head? Definitely hat head. Yeah. Well, who's getting offended by hats? I mean, it's one thing if you're wearing some crazy fucking Phyllis Diller thing with feathers. Gentlemen. No one can see behind you. Fucking Charlie Chaplin was the last person to be offended by a hat.

Or somebody back in the day where they'd take off hats every time you eat. Sure it is. It's sort of a Three Stooges. They invade the rich people's party. Another one of my favorites is when you go somewhere and they say, your shirt has to have a collar. We talked about that before in a podcast. Or it's like in a uh a lot of parks in la it says a big sign says no soccer no parties

and like no soccer no parties why not just say no mexicans please mexicans elsewhere no soccer why would not you not want soccer i guess people are trying to have picnics. Right. Can you play football? If you're white, I think you can sort of do things. Do whatever you want. But if a Latino soccer game breaks out, which they've been known to in Los Angeles. They stop it. They stop it.

No, thank you. That's hilarious, man. It's a fucking park. Are they thinking that they dominate the park and they make it unsafe for whites? I have no idea. They just live there. I know. I don't get it. What's wrong with it? Old white guy is at the top of that and he's making that is that what that is that's gotta be yeah yeah trying

to bring it back to the way it was in the 50s sure no latino park disturbance i've watched a madman where they just they're in a park and they take their big blanket and they just dump the thing and shake out the blanket and all the garbage just goes everywhere and then they just walk away that's how they used to do this shit just litter and fucking that you know in our public parks were just complete what you're talking about earlier with the water supply yeah that's how people used to rock it just fucking throw a coke out the window the window yeah so people still do that all the time with cigarettes do you do that brian Please say you don't No no

I knock the cherry Off into a Usually I have like a can Yeah In my car And then I just They're so gross I've seen people throw

Burger King bags Out the window I honked Like what I mean I didn't I don't know why I honked I just fucking honked

Right Like hey that's fucked up And a big hand came out And just went Yeah of course. Yeah, there's a lot of cunts out there. We're for Samoan teenagers. You know what I see a lot, man?

I see fucking Priuses, those Toyota Priuses. And then I see the person driving the Prius flick a cigarette out the window. I see that shit all the time. Save the earth. I mark it down. I see it so many times I mark it down i've seen it seven times wow crazy seven times over the past three years that i've been looking for it you know it's it's it's definitely something that that people do in other states all the time and then in

california they don't do it yeah yeah people do it less you're littering quite a bit in the midwest oh yeah you don't even think about it in ohio that's just what everyone does like i didn't get it until you when i first moved out here and you you got mad at me because i i flicked my cigarette on the ground and you got mad at me i'm like what it's just a cigarette and then you were like pick that up brian blah blah i'm like never heard anyone tell me to pick up a cigarette there's a lot of people i mean there's the cigarettes are going there's a lot of people burning street burning trash in their backyard as well like that shit's happening yeah that's happening. That's happening.

I mean, I'm sure people are listening where that's commonly done or you have. All right, all this douchey behavior. How do you stop it? What the fuck do you do to change people? What do you do to turn people around? What do you do? You just got to concentrate on yourself. I mean, you can volunteer or something and try to help. I mean, you could go the extra step.

I mean, if you can't control your own shit, first of all, like my wife is recycling like everything. I get yelled at for not putting something in the fucking recycling. Mine does too, yeah. Okay. But meanwhile, some Chinese guy down the block is burning a tire. You know, it's fucking, what the fuck? I mean, how am I supposed to really care that much? It gets separated out.

The homeless people are coming by too in my neighborhood and rooting through everything. Really? They're like sorting it. It'll get sorted out eventually. Shit. So like anyway, but how are you supposed to care?

You can only worry about yourself and that's the same thing with stand up and like that's what we've been talking about the entire time. Right,

but as a whole, if you looked at the human race or looked at just the human race in America, you know, the ones that we understand, the culture that we understand. Sure.

How the fuck do you fix it? How do you fix this culture? Is everyone getting organized to one common goal of living in harmony and in a safe and clean environment and there'd be no crime and shit like that? That guy throwing Burger King bags out his window and giving you the finger,

how do you connect to that guy? We're fucked. I don't think there's any way to connect to that guy because that guy maybe was brought up in a house where he was a homeless kid and didn't have anything he's got this horrible fucking life that you know and to him he's just a douchebag just a fat douchebag and his dad's a fat douchebag i've got all kinds of things like when i see people on pay phones i'm like there is no reason why you shouldn't have a fucking cell phone no i'm just talking about like there's i mean they're giving them away. What if you're broke? No, I'm just talking about like there's, I mean,

they're giving them away. And like if you're broke and you're on a pay phone, it's used for something illegal. Tap every single fucking one of those and just arrest those fucking people. Seriously. That's funny. That could easily just be broke people, dude,

or someone who loses their phone. 40 ounce? You sound like an elitist. A 40 ounce? A 40 ounce? Nothing good has ever come of it. They're great. If you want to watch Superfly and review it, they're the best thing to drink.

I did that once with a buddy of mine. Country Club. What is that? Country Club is another one. What is it? It's another malt liquor. Oh, is it? We had Old English and there was another one. Fuck. I forget what it was. But there's a bunch of those

that are really marketed. Something King Cobra I forget what it was. But there's a bunch of those that are only, they're really marketed, something King Cobra, I think it was, marketed for the black community, like straight up. You know, the smooth taste,

it goes down easy. Like, even the way it's written, like the ads are written, it's just like, just straight to the African American community. And when you start

drinking that stuff, those are so strong. They are so strong and you don't give a fuck. You drink strong, and you don't give a fuck. You drink that shit, you don't give a fuck. I used to drink Boone's. Is that what it's called? Like Strawberry Farm Boone's?

There's Night Train. What is that? Boone's Strawberry Farm. It's like a sweet wine. It's like a sweet wine that was marketed to taste really good. Grape wine. Like grape juice? Yeah, grape juice for black people.

Purple drink. It really is. Yeah, how do you fix that? Well, there's also Cisco and all black people. Purple drink. It really is. Yeah. Yeah. How do you fix that? Well, there's also Cisco and all that shit. I mean, just really high alcohol content. Well, you know that Loco, 4Loco? Do you hear about that one?

I had it. They're pulling it off the market. Oh, yeah. Somebody had it on New Year's at that Willie Borson show that I was talking about. I took a shot of it. I was up all night with heart palpitations. Wow. I really felt like it was the 4Loco really fucked me up. I've heard people died off of it. Yeah. all night with help uh heart palpitations wow i really felt like it's a

four loco really fucked me up i've heard people died off yeah a couple people are it's a band and somebody had a big ass can and go al you got to try the four locos band oh i'll just take a sip of it it's just man you only took one sip and it jacked you dude i feel like it fucked my whole night i had the most surreal new year's sacramento punchline uh it's in a strip mall next to a sleep train and i had to um how about arden mall it's in the strip mall it is a barber college you've been to that place haven't you a cell phone store a yeah yeah yeah just in a strip mall yeah it's upstairs next big mattress store right right all kinds of weird shops red lobster next to a tony roma's next to the big mattress store right right right all kinds of weird shops Red Lobster next to a Tony Roma's

next to an Outback like just nothing right and I'm in there on New Year's and people had paid $50 a ticket to go to this New Year's show and it was a good show

I mean I I didn't get up there and half ass right $50 ticket but it was weird I mean spending your New Year's

in a fucking strip mall, dancing, some guy named Dom Perignon at a strip mall, and he's trying to show off in front of his girlfriend, and a fight broke out because somebody spilled it. Wow. Oh, really? It was a whole weird, and I was filming the whole thing.

I was filming this old lady. On your flip? I really was on my flip. I'm going to add the video. I'll make sure I put that on Twitter as well. People came up to me he's like are you filming our mom i go no i'm not feeling i sort of was filming their mom right not really you couldn't make out who it was in my flip camera right and then the kid who's the son

of the mama who's dancing who's dancing really fucking funny with this young latino kid and she was old and this latino kid was just dry humpering her on the dance floor. So I'm like, this is my New Year's. You know, what a horrible fucking New Year's. And they came up and the guy says, I've been looking for an excuse to kick your ass the whole night. I go, what the, why? Where'd that come from? I haven't fucking done anything.

Like, it was a horrible fucking New Year's. Sounds better in the mind, though. At least you were outside of the house. You stayed in? Brian had a fight with his girl on New Year's. Sounds better in the mind, though. At least you were outside of the house. Stayed in? Brian had a fight with his girl on New Year's, man. His girl left him on New Year's, man.

That same girl we were talking about? Not only did his girl leave him on New Year's. Trashy vixen. It's a long story. That's not cool. We'll have to play that Prince song again. Trust me, it's for the best. Last time she broke up with him, we have to play that Prince song again Trust me it's for the best Last time she broke up with him

We had to play the Prince song I got a broken heart again I got a broken heart again Do you really feel bad about it? No I don't feel bad at all This is what I described it It's the same way I describe people who are douching you on the internet That it's like a little bit of snake venom

A little bit of snake venom gets you immune to snake venom So so that snake after it bites you three or four times after a while like hey get the fuck out of here you're not poisoning me anymore yeah she was one of those relationships where like we would break up and then you know something happened and then i would take her back just because i know how broken she is and then this third time was just like so quick and fast like like we started dating again next thing i know she's almost moved in she's talking about getting married and like this is like in two weeks and she just got out of a relationship where this guy like cheated on her or something like that and it was the most intense zero to 60 in two weeks and then one day it was just out of nowhere

she just started going crazy picking fights with me out of nowhere i'm like what the fuck is going on next thing i know next day she's tweeting her ex-boyfriend like pictures together like i'm like are you what the fuck is going on and i keep on finding all this shit she left at my house and one thing is is like she had a memory card in my camera that she must have used my camera and the funniest thing is is like pictures of her in the sky and then the next day pictures of me and her it's like doing the exact same poses like arms around each other you know like having it and it was like two days it was actually like you're photoshopped in over that other guy yeah matter well you know what it is and this is this is how i describe it to you there's some people that are addicted to that charge of an initial relationship when someone is just in love with you right you know when you meet

someone man and you you know you fucking really click and you're hanging out and you're fucking like four or five times a day and you're just kissing all the time and you can't wait to see him that's like an intense fucking you know intense intense, romantic thing. And then... I got married. Yeah, it works that way sometimes. Yeah. And then when you're in a situation where, let's be quite honest about this, the girl perhaps might be a bit above you on the food chain.

Right. Not a lot, but a bit, right? Happens. Well, then you're stepping on eggshells because you're afraid of offending her because you're in a situation where you're like, Jesus, I don't want to fuck this up. Like, this is the greatest thing of all time. This is so perfect.

She's got the perfect body. This is fucking amazing. I'm telling all my friends, dude, look at this picture. Can you believe I'm fucking this? This is insane. And so then they get addicted to that really intense part of the relationship where you're just enamored by them. And then as time goes on, you get comfortable with each other,

and then she becomes your girlfriend. And when she becomes your girlfriend, then you're just kind of like lackadaisical around each other you don't care if your hair is fucked up you don't care if your breath smells right you know you pee with the door open hot box each other and she doesn't give a fuck either and so you know it becomes some weird thing where you just get real comfortable with each other and you don't fuck as much and then some other guy comes along and that other guy shows the same potential for being the guy that's so in love with you. And this is it.

It's supposed to be about us. We've had some problems in the past. We're going to fucking stick together forever till death. We're going to have babies. Yes. And then the rage is on again. And it's just this mad fucking crazy dash from one person to the next who can provide the next charge, the next beginning of the relationship. Thunderous, you know, orgasmic type of interaction?

And it sucks because I've gotten to the age where I totally know that. So I am like, this person gets hurt, and I'm like, I want you to know. I can tell you what happened to our relationship, and we can really work this together. And I'll do the stupid take girl back. I need to, I don't know. I just need to stop. No, you know what, man? I need to stop dating girls. How old are you now?

And start dating guys. Oh, that's it. And all the shit that's at my house. And I'm like, oh, wow, a sock, a bra. And I'm like, I need to date guys. Because then they can leave things like, oh, Gillette sensor blades, razor. A video game. Oh, he left me a video game. I the shit that that that girls leave over how old relationships 36 that's

good how old are you 39 oh you see i thought you were way younger than me um i think uh you know look it's it's hard to find someone that you fucking jive with all the time sure and sometimes people can keep it together for long stretches where they really are the perfect girlfriend. For like two weeks, this crazy bitch really is the perfect girlfriend. She's a lot of fun. She wants to cook. She's hilarious.

She cracks jokes. I look forward to seeing her. And then after that two weeks, the fucking crazy comes out. And after that two weeks, it's what am I going to do for a living? And what am I going to do for this? And what happens when I get old?

And what am I going to do when I'm 50? And fuck. And these licks are not going to last forever. I've got to have a strategy. I've got to figure out what. I want to date a blind deaf girl. No. But you've got to date, dude.

Ready for this? Yeah. You've got to date civilians. Civilians. You've got to date civilians. Absolutely. My wife's a first grade teacher. Bingo.

Perfect. Civilians. Listen, you're a creative weirdo, okay? And if you're dating another creative weirdo, she's going to be just as fucked up as you are, but in a way you can't understand because she's going to be a woman. That's what the hardest part about living in California, though, is because 90% of the population is out here to be in the same entertainment industry.

It's true. There's a lot of regular nights. I know some of my wife's teacher friends that are very single and available. They're tainted. They're tainted. They're out here. Listen, they know Al Magical. He's probably fucked them all. Are we going to Texas anytime soon, Joe?

Dude, you've got to move to Colorado with me. I'm moving back. Are you really? I want my kids to be raised in Colorado. Texas. I don't want my kids to be raised in California. I think this place is just, it hums at too high a frequency.

Are you in a nice area? Yes. And I want to go further out. I want to live on a ranch, dude. I like living in the woods. That's where I live. I want to live by a lake in the woods. I like to be around nature.

I want to see deer that if shit goes bad, I can shoot those bitches and eat them. That exists. Why don't you go out to Palm Springs or into... That's a desert, man. You know what's out there? Meth and gay people. What about Arrowhead? What about Arrowhead?

That's good. That's a move. That's a possibility. I know a and gay people what about Arrowhead what about Arrowhead that's good that's a move that's a possibility I know a lot of people have to Arrowhead to places and you can get here quick too

two hours I might look at getting maybe a vacation house someday in Arrowhead that would be the shit I just like living in the woods man

I loved living in Boulder I loved the idea that I would see like fucking deer every day driving home. That there was eagles flying overhead. It's those same deers that you see every day is going to jump in front of your car and you're going to be like, fuck deers. Yeah, but you know what? Just get a big ass bumper and you're good.

What about your wife? I didn't even drive my car. Yeah, that's the problem. Mrs. Rogan's not so fucking good at driving in snow. Yeah, well, why even move somewhere where there's snow? That's why you should go to Texas. But also if you go on the road and you sort of strand her out there in this cabin. Right.

Well, that was part of the issue. And then our dog got eaten by a mountain lion. That's fucked up. The real thing that sent us home, though, was that we were 8,500 feet above sea level and she got pregnant. And when you're that high above sea level, if your body's... Even if you're living there your whole life, the kid's still going to have to go on oxygen. No more kids, Joe?

No more kids? You stopping off at two? My loads are still fucking devastatingly good. I'm ready. I'll shoot another one in there. It's hard, man. Just taking care of two little babies at the same time, one two and a half and one nine months old

or seven months old, it's tricky. So cute, though. It's the greatest thing in the world. I always tell people that kids and mushrooms are very similar and then if you've never experienced it if you never had your own kid and if you never really done mushrooms shut the fuck up you really don't know i i used to talk about kids you know i didn't understand what it was until you have a kid and the other thing that you understand is that there stop doing

that whatever you're doing the other thing that you realize when you have a kid is that you change and you hit some weird new next level of evolution where there's so much more at stake now. And you become a more serious person. It's really weird. I feel like a real man, too. Yeah, I feel like a man. Exactly. I mean, I'm still very silly.

And I obviously make a living talking shit. Sure, sure, sure, sure. And I still smoke a lot of weed, which is also a weird thing with a lot of people. That's like, they think some, for some reason or another, you're not supposed to smoke weed, you know, that like smoking weed when you're a father, like set some sort of a weird example or that it's a bad thing. But,

but you know, I'll go, well, how come I can go to a restaurant and order a beer and nobody even blinks? You know, that's fine. Nobody says a word about that. I go and get some wine,

you know, with dinner and nobody, nobody looks at me, you know, they ask me if I want it, you know, if I said no, but you guys got a place where I can hit this joint? They'd be like, whoa,

what the fuck? Your children are here. Either way, if you're too big, though, if you get too drunk, I mean, not even, say you just get wasted. Of course. Some guy's just fucking crushing it and unable to operate. If I get too high, I can't function. And also, I'm really bad with booze, too.

Two drinks, i'm fucking tipsy you know like i'm drunk yeah well that's good to know in the future yeah you're a lightweight you're you're cheap date no no i am a lightweight well no i definitely don't i don't think you should be drunk or high around your kids that's not what i'm saying but i'm saying like i'm not gonna change like who i am you know i don't have to like become this fucking straight edge person just because all of a sudden i have children. If I thought there was something wrong with smoking pot, I would have stopped doing it because I think it's bad for you. If like it was detrimental to my health or to my mental well-being or something, if I thought it was something like an issue that

I needed to deal with, I would deal with it as an issue. But I don't think there's an issue. I think it's beneficial. I think it helps my personality. It helps me enjoy life. It helps me write like crazy. It is like steroids for writing. When I get high and I write, I just strap in and ride this wave that I connect to. I get high and I go into the isolation tank and I rethink my whole life and I come up with new strategies and new ways of behaving. And I have a new appreciation for everything and a new respect and love for my friends and my family. I wind up calling people that I haven't talked to in months, just getting out of the tank. And go, dude, I just want to tell you, man, I mean, we don't hang out, but I love you, man. We're friends.

And I get these crazy conversations. I just got to make sure I say all these things that I need to say. It reinvigorates me. But also being a dad helps that i mean that does too yeah i mean the combination of the two things people don't realize that that's there is that you do feel like taking a step back and not taking things so seriously even though i still get fired up i keep everything in perspective pretty well too i mean i'm not making too many fucking stupid decisions over here. Yeah, you get more in tune with love, you know, and that sounds fucking very gay.

Super gay. But it is what it is, man. It's like you get more in tune with love, and that's honestly, that's what weed is all about too. Weed is about getting you in tune with love, getting you in tune with happiness. Weed is a happy drug. It's about friendships and hugs and having a good time

and laughing and giggling together. You know, it's not a bad drug. It's an entheogen. And that's what people have to understand. Everything is lumped together in this one big stupid group called drugs and included are caffeine and alcohol and then dangerous shit like heroin and fucking, you know, and meth. And all those are drugs.

But there's also drugs that literally change the way your fucking mind works and in a good way and they're here to make you like more humble make you feel better and the reason why people have bad trips is because there's a lot of shit about your life that's douchey man you need to clean that shit up you know why are you paranoid why are you freaking out well you should be freaking out that's why people do a lot of drugs in college too when you're younger and you don't have as much responsibility. But, I mean, more and more responsibility you have. And then when you do drugs, you start thinking about all that shit.

That's why people tend to freak out. But if you're just more a carefree person in the first place, then the college is a perfect example because you really don't have too many responsibilities. Responsibilities, right. You can go home by yourself for the first time and not have anybody scrutinize you once you get there. And so it's an opportunity, no real bills to fucking pay. Right. I mean, if somebody's taking care of the, so less responsibility and you can't just fucking let go completely.

But more and more shit that you've got going on, like a daughter. And we talked about the porn thing with the daughter. Like you just sort of put, you have more shit built up. The thing about porn is, you know, I don't want to say why anybody gets into porn, because I don't know. I'm not a girl. I'm not a girl that's getting fucked on camera. I don't understand. Maybe you really are a healthy person, and it's just fun for you.

That's possible. Dr. Drew says no, but, like, then again, I said, I'm not a woman. I'm not a doctor. I don't really understand it. But I think the ones that I've come in contact with, almost all of them had some fucked up childhood. Almost all of them. I think it's pretty much mandatory.

Yeah. There's no other way to do it, right? Right. It's like the reason why you got into it in the first place is not a healthy reason. So it's just this massive evidence. And even if you're the coolest person to hang out with ever, like a lot of them are.

A lot of them are really fun to hang out with. There's still, you're this way because somebody was shitty to you. That's what they were talking about. So I always have to think about that. Yeah, they were talking about that on that Green Room show with Paul Provenza before the one you were on.

And they were talking about how everybody's, you know, all comics, dads, you know, or some shit like that. Like, yeah, there is some comics. Some dad shit. Dad shit. Always, yeah. Well, you don't ever become a comic or anything like that, Like, yeah, there is some comics, some dad shit, dad shit. Yeah. Well, you don't,

you don't ever become a comic or anything like that. A singer or any, any, anything where you're, you're, you're asking for this exorbitant amount of attention, like this really unbalanced amount of attention to say, I want to be a comedian is to say,

I want to be the one with a light shining on me while everyone else is in the dark with my voice amplified. And I want to be above them. I want to be standing above their heads. Never think of it like that at all. That's what it is. You want to be above the crowd. Nobody wants to do a show where

everyone is in the balcony staring down on you and you're one level below them. You would feel disconnected. If you didn't have that floor filled in, you would feel disconnected. The whole thing is a really ridiculous request. So you didn't have that floor filled in, you would feel disconnected. The whole thing is a really ridiculous request. To want to do that for a living, you have to have some giant deficit you're trying

to make up for. Some fucking crazy hole in your childhood. None of us really think, I don't think I have it that bad. It's pretty... You don't have to have it that bad now. I think one of the reasons why Is because you're self-healed

When you have a family of your own And you have your own children All of a sudden that shit goes away And you don't need your daddy anymore My dad would get hit in the head by a fucking meteor Not my stepdad who raised me But my real dad who I don't even know I wouldn't give a fuck

I don't need a dad I'm a dad myself Thanks, take care Sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor But when I was seven It was devastating I'm a dad myself. Thanks. Thanks. Take care. I got it. Sorry. Sorry you got hit in the head by a meteor. You know what I mean? But when I was seven, it was devastating. When I was seven, that guy, like the fact that my dad wasn't in my life anymore was just like, whoa, it was just crushing.

And so that, whatever sets you off when you're seven or whatever it is, what age it is, you have this dad issue. That's what gives you this incredible energy and desire to pursue this stand-up comedy thing. The key is somewhere along the line, you have to shift your motivation. And your motivation has to go from, I want all this attention to, I want to produce all this art and make people happy. I want to produce all this shit that people love. I want people to come see Al Madrigal in concert and I'm going to give them a rocking show where they get all excited and they can't wait to see me again. I think about

what my, when my kids, I can't help but think about this, I think about my kids looking at my standup when they're 18 years old and looking back and seeing what I did.

Are you still smoking cigarettes? No, I'm done. You're done? Yeah, completely. I quit almost, I feel like a year ago right around now.

How many times a day do you think about it? I don't anymore. This motherfucker, he quits almost, I feel like a year ago, right around now. How many times a day do you think about it? I don't anymore. This motherfucker, he quits and his cat hurts her foot. The cat hurt her foot. So he, was it her? Yeah. Yeah, cat hurt her foot.

She jumped off the refrigerator and hurt her foot. So he got so stressed out, he started smoking cigarettes again. Yeah. I mean, it's always something for me. I mean, if it's a relationship problem or if my cat gets hurt problem it's all it's all excuses i mean cigarettes i even i know you just you say that you're over and stuff like that but most people when they even if it's been a year i still thought about it at least once a week and the reason i saw actually i saw a commercial that made me quit wow one of those non-smoking commercials and it was a great one. It said, it was there for you then.

You did it after you smoked in the morning, you smoked at night, you smoked after lunch, you smoked when your daughter was born, you smoked here, you smoked there. Because you did it. You tried. And you're done. Like that. You gave it a shot. Like I smoked. I really did

smoke and I'm just done with it. I think if I have kids, that's going to be a real big pushy thing. But when you're hanging out at a comedy club drinking and every single person's smoking, it is almost impossible to fucking quit smoking unless you have something like a kid at home that you're like, okay, I'm doing anything for this fucking kid. Especially when you get a couple of drinks and you're like, fuck it. But everybody else is smoking and you're sitting around. It's also an easy way to step away from a situation.

Like if I'm at a party, one of the best things about smoking for me is that you're in a party and i got to walk outside just sort of collect my thoughts and people on myself right and then maybe he's out there and there's cool another cool smoker guy right what's up what's up you see that chicken there or whatever yeah isn't so you have a tiny meeting away from the fucking event i used to see that back in boston when they had to do it and it was fucking zero degrees and these poor junkies were standing outside these fucking queer laws smoking the second we fucking can't even smoke inside anymore what's next yeah so you just go it's the ability to step away from shit yeah i really did yes that's what i mean a little tiny

meeting all right tiny meetings that's funny So you're in a little tiny club. That's kind of an interesting way of looking at it. And a club where you meet with the regular people at the regular time. So you see Tebow, who I'm sure you've had cigarettes with. Oh, yeah. Have you had cigarettes with Jason Tebow? Oh, yeah, all the time. All the time.

He's one of my favorite cigarette smoker guys. Exactly. So he has his regular cigarette guys that he sees, and he knows if he sees Court McCown, he can get a cigarette off him. He knows if he sees this guy, Renizzizi, used to smoke, he just quit. So if you see Steve Ren Azizi, you can smoke, you know, he's got cigarettes. Isn't that a part of it, too, that you support each other?

Can I bum a cigarette? You always give the guy a cigarette because you know that if you see him and you don't have a cigarette, he's got a cigarette and you're good. It's a trade. People do that at bars, too, that don't even know people. You got a spare? They'll ask you for a fucking free cigarette That's like saying

Can I have a dollar? You know what? I was a take two guy Because I knew he'd need one for later Really? I could take one for later Generous motherfucker Yeah, there you go

You do that a lot? I did that to Daryl last night Yeah, you know what? You like a guy a lot You see a T-Bow? I got a T-Bow Here, you know what, T-Bow? I have another one

I could fucking bust out three Whoa Yeah, no, just put one behind the ear. Did you ever go the natural cigarettes route where you try to get those American spirits? I smoked a Parliament Light hard pack, and I smoked a Marble Light hard pack, and that was it.

And what happened, Brian? Those natural lights are not the way to go? They supposedly are better for you because they have only tobacco in it and no pesticides and none of the whatever 102 chemicals but i they're taking a drag of a twig yeah it's so hard and rough that i actually felt like more shit the next day waking up on that it takes 15 minutes this one when a regular cigarette

is about seven minutes not even seven half of it is just explosive chemicals you're sucking in yeah you know there's 599 FDA approved chemical additives that are in cigarettes. Joe was always on me not to smoke. Well, you have children, man. I know, I know, you were on it. And then also, before I had children, or before you had children,

I'm not doing anything. That's the volcano. It's come alive. It's got a request. It's request is to fuck you up We're talking about smoking And there's a You know a lot of people say

Well marijuana You know you're smoking that That shit's bad for you That's not good Well there's a thing called The vaporizer ladies and gentlemen And what it is Is it looks like a UFO

Jiffy pop Yeah it looks like It's making jiffy pop But what it's really doing Is taking my ground up Plant material And vaporizing it So that there's no smoke But like it's making Jiffy Pop. But what it's really doing is taking my ground-up plant material and vaporizing it so that there's no smoke, but instead it's a mist, and it's a THC mist.

And what it does is it fills this bag up with this THC mist. Oh, it's filling up now. It's looking good. How long have you had that? I've been liking it. I've had it for a while, man. I think I got it a few years ago. Because your bag leaks a little bit.

What are you going to do? That's a good gift idea. Get Joe a new bag. That really is a good gift idea for Joe Ryan. I need a new bag. Does it turn off by itself? No, you just wait. Is it going to pop?

No, not ready. It's not ready yet. It's looking good, though. This is scary. Don't be a bitch, Ryan. I'm walking around with balloons and not hitting the ceiling. It's vapor, bro. It's THC vapor.

And the thing is, it looks like nothing. Like when you breathe it in and breathe it out, sometimes you don't even think you got anything. You went with a clear bag, but all bags are pretty much clear, so you can see the mist in the inside. Exactly. Well, this is just the same bag that I've had for years. I'm probably supposed to be replacing that.

No, that's why ladies, I mean, yeah, it is a good gift idea, if you're thinking about gifting. Yeah. Those volcanoes are fucking expensive. Are they? Yeah, I think they're like $600 or something like that. Is it really? Yeah.

I was thinking about getting one, and then I was like... So then, this is what you get out of it, this strange thing. And inside this strange thing is... I don't know. You're going crazy. And that just sticks around for a while.

You can use that later. Yeah. That's it. Bam, son. Pure THC. You don't have to worry about smoke. You don't have to worry about shit being bad for you. How magical. You don't have to worry about the You don't have to worry about shit being bad for you How magical

Are you still going on the road? Yeah Who do you go with? You go with Ari? Yeah, Ari comes all the time Joey, when you can count on him You never know with Joey Diaz Because he might pull a Joey Diaz

And just no show? What's that? And just no show? I actually started taking two people on the road with me for the very reason that I never knew if Joey Diaz was going to show up. That's awesome. So Joey Diaz is the reason. What was that? Did you hear the feedback?

No. Do you hear us? Yeah. Was that just you rustling? Maybe you just kicked someone when you sat down. Maybe. Anyway, I used to take Joey Diaz on the road all the time until we worked in Rascals. We worked in Rascals in New Jersey, and Joey just didn't show up.

He just never flew to New Jersey, and he didn't answer his phone. He had a pager back then. It was impossible to get in touch with him. And then finally we got in touch with him the next day, and he's like, I'm coming tonight. Don't worry about it. I'll be there. Don't worry about it. I'm there. Don't worry. I missed my flight. I fucked up. I got stuck in Vegas. So it's maybe an hour before the show and we finally get a hold of Joey Diaz

and he's still back in LA or Vegas. I forget where he was. I ain't gonna lie to you, dawg. I was done, Vegas. I never got on the plane. He just, whatever reason, he just decided to go off and do his own Joey Diaz world.

That's great. And he's done that so many times. He did that in Phoenix. He just fucking whatever reason, he just decided to go off and do his own Joey Diaz world. That's great. And he's done that so many times. He did that in Phoenix. He just fucking vanishes. I'm telling you that story of him at the Marilyn Martinez. Maybe there's somebody who talked about that, but it was just really one of the best things I've ever witnessed. Him just telling somebody off at a memorial. Those fucking memorials, they bum me out, man.

I went to Mitch. Yeah, Mitch was, I mean, that was to Mitch. I don't go to anybody's. I don't like funerals either. I don't like the idea behind it. If I want to celebrate somebody, I want to celebrate it on my own and think about their life and my personal relationship with them. It's cool with you if you want to meet up with everybody and talk about how great the guy was

and celebrate him. I get it. I totally understand it. But to me, it's just like, man, it's such a personal thing. When someone dies... When the public official died in tucson i mean uh you saw all the people and obama spoke yeah that was a lot of people how many people were at that event do you know that was a shitload of people in a university arizona probably in the basketball stadium easily about 8 000 people it's weird right and um well you know in that case though it's like those people need healing you know those people are devastated yeah's like those people need healing you

know those people are absolutely yeah it was something that happened like that little girl got shot like that that thing is so devastating and apparently the cops have been called to this guy's house the guy who did that shooting in Arizona well they pulled him over there Jesus did they really they pull away there got arrested for yeah yeah some sort of violation he got pulled over oh my god they didn't check that he's got guns? Guns in a bag. Jesus fucking Christ.

When anyone goes to load up... He went to Walmart and bought a shitload of bullets, too. I think there's just got to be some check. Don't you think so? It's like somebody just... Let's take a picture and send it. I'm sure all that's being done. I don't even know what it is.

I feel bad for the cop that pulled him over. Who has to think that You know Had he done a little bit more Of an investigation Yeah He probably had some inkling But he's probably You know

Whatever Leave the guy alone Are there people talking about that Are there people talking about The fact that he was stopped I never heard it I didn't hear it Until you just brought it up

That's crazy though The photos of that kid The mugshot photos Looks just as bananas As anybody could look yeah it can't look any crazier yeah that's but that's me again with the payphone shit it's like i would yeah inspect them you know yeah well then the other thought is that you know if you look at the whole machine of life if you look at all these different things in life the good and the bad there's a lot

of people that believe and this is you know this is sort of a staple in Eastern religion, is that almost you sort of have to have negative in your life to recognize the positive. And the yin and yang, the reason why it exists is because that's the only way anything ever gets done. And even events like 9-11, they're terrible events, but in some ways they bring people together. Like New York, after 9-11 After that was like the friendliest Fucking place in the world For the longest time

Senators holding hands It was just different man Everyone was devastated People were shell shocked They were horrified But there was this weird feeling And air of a group of people that are all cool. Motherfucker, I'm weak.

Now I feel better about my text earlier. Somebody just called me once. I swear to God I unplugged that fucking thing. Anyway, there was a sense of community there that didn't exist. Phased away. Phased away and back to douchiness. But for the longest time, man, everyone was so fucking cool there. So positive.

We went there. We filmed a Fear Factor. I think it was right after September 11th. It wasn't far afterward. Like maybe a year or two after. And it was back when firemen were fucking heroes and firemen were just getting pussy thrown at them everywhere. Women wanted to go fuck firemen. They wanted to go fuck heroes.

It's weird how that changed. But for that long time, so it's almost like a negative thing can oftentimes inspire this positive reaction in the opposite way. And there's a lot of people that think that all these things are in place and all these fucked up people are in place

and fucked up situations to get us to appreciate the situations that aren't. To get us to really try to be better and help us evolve so that we can get past these unfortunate, but unavoidable situations. I've heard that said, yeah, we need homeless people without homeless people. I mean, you know, you'd have to, you need sort of somebody on the bottom. Well, I don't know if that's true.

I don't, I don't necessarily agree with that, it's also like you know to to watch something really terrible like that sort of like motivates you to not let that happen to you people can accept a lot of shit a lot of things can happen to you and you just sort of accept your situation then it gets worse you sort of accept that yeah yeah exactly hoarder is a perfect example yeah and you know because of that you just sort of just all of a sudden you find yourself you know many levels of accepting this bullshit in a place where you never would have just accepted it straight up right off the bat you just kind of

let it happen like that next thing you know you're homeless builds and builds and your credit gets out of control and all of a sudden you're evicted and you just fucking don't handle your shit and yeah you do look at that to get motivated because this is the bottom I know I've seen the bottom and I don't want to be near the fucking bottom. Exactly.

So that's what it is. I do not want that. When I watch a hoarder's meal, my wife and I actually watched one the other night, and this show is difficult to watch because you're right that they do gradually accept that they have to shit on top of fucking Capri Sun boxes or something in their way and shit, and it just stacks up around them them and they're just shifting. And then we just started living in one room. They say that all the time.

Also, I think we all recognize. Then we move to this room. Yeah. We all recognize that our own brains are just as vulnerable as these people's brains. Oh, sure. We just, a lot of people choose to fight a little bit harder. You know, they can just keep their shit clean. It takes work. Everything takes work. Life's maintenance needs to be fucking done.

You can't let shit get out of control. We've all gone into this weird spiral. I think anybody that I've ever met, especially anybody that's ever been in a tumultuous relationship, you go into this weird spiral where you don't feel like you have that much control over your thoughts and actions. When guys get in a devastating

relationship, you get your heart broken, you can't sleep, you can't think. Especially when that happens young in your life, you don't really have it mastered yet. You don't really understand who the fuck you are. That shit can send you on some kind of crazy spiral. And if you go through all that, and you've got

some sort of a history of mental illness in your family, next thing you know, done. You're cracked. Yeah. I mean, you don't want to ever accept that it could happen to you, but you look at someone who's really devastated by any sort of a fucking obsession like that.

Gambling obsessions? Do you know gambling people? Dude, my in-laws live in dirty Vegas, so out near the Air Force Base, out where there's all of those poker places, it's a pawn shop poker place just shut down fast food fast food pawn shop poker poker poker and you go into one of those places like a terribles casino and shit like that and there's those car washes and you go in like a pj's poker place and you just see these just guys you think like an indian casino is. There's regular casino, really nice.

Then there's a lower level downtown casinos. Then there's like an Indian casino that's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. And it's like, why would you go there? And they say it's like, oh, it's a Morongo casino. It's where real nightlife is. And you go in and it's just like like in a weird grouping of Chinese people.

Dude, you're not going to get booked in Morongo if you say anything wrong. Be cool right here. There's a lot of money in Morongo. Come to Morongo. Yeah. There's so many hot chicks and I love going to Morongo, man.

They have these commercials that come on. It's like the nightclubs and shit like that. It ends up being old Chinese ladies in like mystical wolf t-shirts fucking just walking around. With those walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom of the feet. Yeah, exactly.

It's fucking disgusting. It's depressing shit. That gambling addiction is a strange one, man. Anybody that smiles. There's homeless people in my neighborhood that bought a car. What? I watched them be homeless.

I knew they were going around collecting cans. And there's one day, you know how you got your eye on the same homeless people all the time? You've seen them around for a regular basis. These two, it's like a couple, this frumpy lookinglooking weird white lady and this tall black guy who wears a top hat sometimes.

They start driving around in a green minivan. Fucked up green minivan, but they got there and saved up enough cans, like Marlboro miles, to buy this fucking car. And they're sleeping in this van now? I'm sure. Yeah, they're cheating in my neighborhood because they have a place

where you can turn recyclables into money, and then every night I see them just fucking going through everyone's recycle bins and just taking out all the shit from the recycle bins and then selling it down the street. Yeah, that's what they do. That's cheating. Is that cheating? No, that's like the Marlboro Starwood points for homeless people. Well, I think that makes sense because one way you're not going to make any money. If you just put your recyclables on the street, you're not going to make any money.

And for them, it's like free money. I don't think it's cheating at all. Yeah, get out of my fucking trash. I don't want you in my trash. Somebody was telling me they were in a downtown shopping mall or something like that. And they saw one of these fountains where people throw money in the fountain. And they were just standing there going, my god what a beautiful fountain and then this latino family came in just rolled up all their sleeves and went in the fountain just started taking all

the money out and just say because it's free money we're throwing money in water yeah what do you say to that how do you stop that i have zero money and there's money just right there yeah it's you've got to take it. It's like a foot of water. Right, and it's like, it's a weird thing. Like, is it illegal to take the money? Yeah, yeah. Is it? I think so. Is it?

No. It shouldn't be. Well, I think a lot of these fountains usually have a charity booked around behind it. Like, the mall gives it to a charity or something. Really? I think once it's that, it's considered giving to a charity. Then it's stealing. But if there's no charity sign, take their money.

You need the money. Maybe they started doing it to a charity just because people were doing it. It's like the Mexican soccer sign. Yeah, it is ridiculous. That's how fucking rich this country is. People can throw money in a fountain. Enough money for food.

There's enough money in that fountain for you definitely to get something to eat. It's always quarters and nickels and pennies. There's a comic that, Conan Ryder, that actually does that it's a bit i'm sorry i forget his name but he goes imagine coming from another country like where they have no water where you have to go to a well and don't really just out in the

middle of nowhere and there's one water hole and there's a fucking tiger there yeah and then you come to this country and you go into like a place like uh to city or a city walk, city walk, universal city walk. Right. And there's fucking water shooting up out of the ground and kids are fucking frolicking.

Right. And we're taking our extra money and throwing it in the fucking fountain. Yeah. Just like here's our money and our water.

It's crazy, right? It really is fucking crazy. It really is. Well, we don't realize how rich this country is until you watch, like you even talk to some of the people that are in certain European countries

where there's no resources and nothing to do. Like there's a real issue in Italy right now with young people, like where there's no fucking jobs. There's really nothing they can do. You know, people are graduating and there's like, there's nothing. There's nothing out there. Mom's already manning the cafe or whatever it is. You know, there's no, you have to go out and find an actual job.

You have to leave the country. You have to get on a fucking boat or something. You know, you got to go find your shit somewhere else. You're stuck. Yeah. And I think a lot of the smarter people said, there's free land over in that other place. Those people were nuts, man.

Let's go. The idea behind that, we've talked about it before, but how crazy you have to be to be living in Europe and say, you know what? Fuck this. We're going to get in a boat and crazy you have to be to be living in Europe and say, you know what? Fuck this. We're going to get in a boat and we're going to go across the ocean. It's going to take a long time. A lot of us are going to die.

Yeah, a lot of us are going to die. And we're going to get some new diseases when we get there. But dying is better than that shit. They weighed that out. They must have. There must have been. Wow. Or they're just running from the law.

We're a nation built by criminals. Sure. Running from European law. I wonder how many people were supposed to be one thing when they were in Europe. They came over here, Bob Smith, that's my name. You know, just new identity. New identity. New everything. Clean slate.

That's had to be a lot of it. Just wipe out a complete record of yourself. Right. Don Draper, the whole thing. Yeah. A lot of them, right? Can't do that shit anymore, folks. No.

That's going out of the way soon. Soon you're going to be chipped. You cunts. So where are you at this weekend now? You're going to be chipped. I am actually doing the John Oliver Comedy Central show in New York on Saturday night. It's exciting. Cool.

And then I'm going to be in Austin, Texas at the Cap City Comedy Club. Oh, my favorite club. And I'm going to be at the Ontario Improv. I've got those three coming up. So it goes. Can I come with you to Austin so I can steal some bitches? Oh, you need chicks in Austin?

Steal some bitches. How confident are you? Steal some bitches. Brian's like, all I have to do is go to Austin. I'll just start a fucking harem and shit. I love them. That's all I got to do is just go there. Like rescuing women from Austin.

Dude, Austin is the shit. Why would it be rescuing? Yeah, you're not. Because they don't want to get beat up anymore. They're going to get in Twitter fights with your ex-girlfriend? Twitter war. How many people have in public spats on Twitter? Are they?

Yeah, relationships are broken up on Twitter. Oh, that's hilarious. People are arguing Are broken up on Twitter Oh that's hilarious People are arguing with each other People are dating That's another thing I miss texting In my relationship So I don't even know

Where you at Where you at I have no idea What that's about There's a few people That I follow Just because I know That they're in a famous couple

And that they'll get in spats And when they get in spats They'll leave Like little vague shit There comes a point When you know That you cannot count On anyone Who are those people are those when that person i can't tell you online i'll tell you when we're off when we're off air but you know i follow them just because i want to hear them

and then once that point has been reached it's over yeah so there's an echo in here i keep on hearing phones ring i think i'm no more phones right buddy it's my medicine it's your medicine folks this fucking show's over yeah right should have been over a while ago we gotta get new seats I keep on hearing phones ring. I think I'm not... There's no more phones ringing, buddy. It's my medicine. It's your medicine. Folks, this fucking show's over. It should have been over a while ago. We got to get new seats when we do these two hours and 45 minute shows. How is that phase? Maybe perhaps you need to work on your core, motherfucker.

These are the most uncomfortable couches. I'm in the gym. I feel pretty good. I'm right. He's right, rather. Back support. Yeah, there's no back support. I'm going to get us office chairs.

That's the next one. Those are really nice ones That way we can move around more too We're not married to this one spot And we can face each other better Listen folks This shit is ever evolving I'm working on some sort of a TV

To look at the Ustream It really does look like A professional environment though With the mic in front of your face And it looks like I mean it is a very professional setup But I'm saying Put fucking Raze this shit Yeah we'll figure it out When we first started, I mean, it is a very professional setup, but I'm saying we could fucking raise this shit.

Yeah, we'll figure it out. When we first started doing it, man, we just had a laptop and we had like snow in the background and shit. Those are terrible ones. If you're going to download a podcast, those first ten of them, I can't believe anybody was still listening. We just would get baked and just start rambling and nobody was paying attention, so we didn't even think it was a big deal.

But now there's like hundreds of thousands of downloads you want to deliver a quality project i feel like i have to yeah you know i have to make the conversations interesting i have to bring on people like al madrigal how do we do that was a good show great always bro you're an awesome dude i'm glad we've been friends for all these years i'm glad i knew you back in your salad days that's right also i have a album has not changed that I just put out. Oh, really? What's it called? It's called Cholos on a Moped. Cholos on a Moped.

Is it iTunes available? No, it's just on my website. Oh, cool. Did they have to download it? Did they download it? No, they have to download it, and I just put in sort of a pay whatever you want. It bottoms out at $7.99 because I think that's nothing. But if people want to pay $10 or more, they can.

Oh, that's kind of cool. I like that. You know, I've seen people do that with PayPal links. They say, if you want to donate, here's what it is. There's something to that. Yeah, I don't know. I'd rather people have it than I make a certain dollar amount. Before we go, I want to ask you about this. How do you feel about

online piracy? What are your thoughts on that? Actually ripping a movie and then distributing it to other people? Anything. Your stuff. Let's just go specifically with your stuff. Oh, if somebody puts my stuff out on LimeWire, if it takes my shit. See, I'm at the stage of my career where I would like people to have the stuff more than I like to make.

I'll write new shit. Right. I'm going to continue producing. I mean, I'm just starting to write now with this, like a couple of bits that I have of that the Laugh Factory put up on YouTube. Like the shit that I really fucking enjoy doing.

So I just want to keep producing shit like that at a high quality. But at some point where there's real big money to be made, I'm sure I'll fucking want to sell the stuff legitimately.

Right. I know what you're saying. But for the most part, I just want to get it out. I'd give it to somebody. If somebody kid comes up to me after my shows, I always say, pay what you want. I don't care. As long as you don't throw a fucking $2 at me.

Look at you, dude. You're like a hippie. You're a hippie socialist. Well, I mean, for the most, I say, pay what you can afford. What's the cheapest people give you? I'll take five bucks because I cost three to make. Wow. And then if somebody, but for the the most part People give me $20

What is That's kind of cool What is the most Someone's ever given you I had people in Tempe At the Tempe Improv Jumping up and down It was one of the last CDs

But $40 $60 I think Nice But it was like They were running out Oh What are you doing Brian What is that

I'm just playing music Ending music Yeah Sounds like a Chinese restaurant Yeah Chemtrails vibe Sounds like the waiting area like a Chinese restaurant, bro. Yeah, it's Chemtrails by the way. Sounds like the waiting area for a Chinese restaurant. Can you make it louder a little bit?

There you go. February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. I am there with Ari Shafir and Joey Coco Diaz, hopefully. I know Ari will show up with Joey. Twitter that fool. Talk to him. I don't know. It's mad flavor.

But tickets are selling very fast. It's going to be a fucking crazy show. It's a big place. It's like 2,000 seats. Something like that. 1,800 seats. It's a new theater in Mandalay Bay. And that'll be the night before the UFC.

There's a link on JoeRogan.net. You can go there. There's a link on my Facebook, which is JoeRoganDOTNET. And Al Magical. You can reach him at There's a link on my Facebook, which is Joe Rogan, D-O-T-N-E-T. And Al Magical, you can reach him at Al Magical at Twitter, A-L-M-A-D-R-I-G-A-L, in the house, bitches. Almagical.com.

Almagical.com. Dude, thank you very much. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being a cool dude. Thank you for being a great stand-up comedian. Thank you for being the same guy that I met when we got high and watched Oprah. Exactly the same. From 11 years ago. Yeah, it's pretty much not too much has changed. Well, you know,

you're more of a dad and a man now and all that good stuff. Oh, sure, but you're the same dude. Same guy. Yeah, same dude. That doesn't always happen that way. I know, and then you were telling me about Ray Romano. That's exactly... Exactly. He's the same exact guy. He's always been a great guy. So that's good to hear.

Yeah, you can keep it together. Sure. You're going to keep it together. I predict. No, there's no use to be all affected. You're the same thing. It's like you could have the right to be some like, you know, affected fucking guy with people around you.

It's a mess. It's a mess. That fucks you up more than the ego boost is a fake one. If you're a smart person, you don't accept it. And so you don't get a good feeling out of it anyway, because you know it's ridiculous. It's all ridiculous, bitches. We are in an atomic soup that no one understands,

and it's been going back and forth, on and over, from the Big Bang to the end of creation forever. And it's an endless cycle. And we'll see you next week. And Fleshlight.com. I'll at you, boy. Yeah, Fleshlight.com. Go there and just buy a bunch of them just

jerk off into them and shoot your loads all over the house they're special they're good they feel better than beating off you will have long ball draining orgasms i highly recommend highly recommend it also uh miami improv uh fuck i don't even know who's going down with me um 28 29 and 30 Improv, fuck, I don't even know who's going down with me. 28, 29, and 30. And not Miami Improv. I keep saying that. I've said that twice.

West Palm Beach Improv. Bigger, nicer. You know why I say it? Because it's a half an hour from Miami, and I'll never work the Miami Improv ever again. It's a tough one. So I'm just terrified because it's right there. It's a half an hour away. Yeah.

It's the only place where I was on stage in the middle of a show, and people were so dumb. I had some joke where I brought up the word Oscar De La Hoya, brought up his name. And so all of a sudden, this fucking war broke out in the crowd. No, fuck you, man. Sugar Shane Mosley. Fuck Mosley.

And they started going back and forth and yelling out at the top like it's a cafeteria. Sure. Like, who's the most badass boxer? And it went on for like 30 seconds so these guys were yelling back standing up doing these things with their hands yelling at them and i just had fun i said i'm never coming here again that's great i was there and a woman's hair caught on fire and she vomited nice in what order what's that uh hair first vomit second and that ladies and gentlemen is the end of the show so uh west Palm Beach Improv, 28th, 29th, and 30th.

You know all that Twitter details. I have a lot of Twitter followers as a result of this. Do you? Add me. Add me, Red Band. I did, I did. He's talking to all the people out there in the world. I need to get past Taylor fucking Vixen.

Shh, Brian. I can say that name. If you say it three times, she'll show up. Oh, no. Candy Man, Candy Man. Oh, no, you didn't. And on that note, folks, we'll see you next week. Ari Shafir will be joining us on Tuesday,

and we'll see if we can get Brian Posain or someone on Thursday. And that's it. Holla at your boy. See ya. Love you, bitches. Love you, bitches. Peace. Peace. Why you behind my back? Now my mind keeps me up all night. Might you have to say bye like that?

I should have cheated on you.