The Joe Rogan Experience - #727 - Bill Burr

Episode Date: November 24, 2015

Bill Burr is a standup comedian and also hosts his own podcast called "Monday Morning Podcast" available on Spotify. His new show "F is for Family" premieres on Netflix on December 18th, 2015.

Porch room on a show. And we're live. This is what I love about Bill Burr. You're not like a regular comedian. I mean, you're a great comic, but you do shit. You do a lot of shit. You don't just sit around and get lazy and fuck off. It's the ADD.

You make cakes. You made pie, homemade pie from scratch. Bill Burr brought in pumpkin pie that I can't wait to dig into. It smells fucking fantastic. That's a pumpkin pie that's a cream pie and an apple pie. It really smells fucking awesome. Oh, yeah. It's a butter-based crust.

I switched over. I switched over. I used to, my parents, the one that we grew up on was shortening, like Crisco. Right. And I thought it had too much salt in it and stuff so when I bought the big green egg which is this insane thing that's impossible to fuck up on. I'm actually learning

how to smoke meat. This guy's been helping me out and I've just been on the road so I'm going to try starting back up again this month but I came with this giant cookbook. I made this turkey pot pie and everything that tasted fucking insane. From scratch.

Yeah, but the crust is on... The one from the big green egg is the recipe that I use, which is two scoops of flour, an eighth of a teaspoon of salt, and then it's like a whole stick of butter. And then there's a little bit of shortening, like the Crisco shit in there. So it's not like... Mine was too greasy, too salty. This one is like that flaky the fucking awesome crust and yeah

it's the best so you're like you're like a chef you're like actively cooking there's like a regular thing for you oh bill baker yeah i like it i like to like degrees of difficulty and i actually learned a lot back when the food network was awesome. Like the Food Network is going on the same trajectory that MTV went on. You know what I mean? Like it started off MTV, it was music videos, and then now I don't even know what the fuck it is. It's teenage pregnancy. There's no music on it anymore.

The Food Network used to be top chefs teaching you how to cook. Now it's a lot of just, you know, they're competing with each other. Like I don't even know what goes on in this. And it's a lot of just, you know, they're fighting, competing with each other. Like, I don't even know what goes on in this. And it's a lot more personality driven. Like that diners driving and dives guy. You know what I mean? I don't know what that is. What is that?

He just, you know, he drives around to these greasy spoons and he lets you know what's up. But, dude, the guy's restaurants get horrific fucking reviews. Like just like one of the most epic slams of any fucking restaurant that opened was- Oh, Guy Fieri. Yeah. Yeah, that guy. Yeah, that guy. So, like, they went more in that direction where they went from guys just knowing how to cook to, like, Guy Fieri.

He's got a look. He's got bleach blonde hair. He wears his sunglasses backwards. We have him drive around in the car. I'm not really shitting on the guy, but they went more like that and they tried to like you know oh and this is okay so rachel ray pops up okay we got to find another one of those you know they just i it was really sad to watch because i used to just watch malto mario was my favorite and he would just be in a kitchen and he would just i don't know it was any of these people. I heard of Guy Fieri. Might I even tell him?

No. He's a beast. Really? Oh, he's a beast. He's a cooking beast. Dude, this guy would be like... I'm trying to compare him to a fighter. Jon Jones?

He'd be like someone who held the belt for a while. You know what I mean? Like the Anderson Silva of cooking? I would say that, or maybe J.P. What is his name? I'm not good with the fighters. George St. Pierre? George St. Pierre, yeah.

The GSP of cooking, wow. Although he was early on, so I think maybe he's more like those guys when it was literally Taekwondo versus a boxer. He came on early. There he is. That's the guy? Yeah, so you would, it's an unfortunate picture. It's just to highlight his mole. Yeah, so he used to have the show Molto Mario, and it was just him in his kitchen.

It was him in his kitchen, and he'd, oh, God, he needs somebody to take better pictures, though. The sausage around the neck's a great look. Yeah, it's supposed to look like a scarf. I don't know. So he would just have people over in his kitchen, and he would make authentic from scratch just Italian meals. And he went over to Italy, learned how to cook. He can tell you about all the different parts of Italy and the rivalries

that they have over there with their food that's why Italians are the greatest fucking cookers ever because like they get upset with shit like sauces and stuff

the way other people kill each other over like their football team you know what I mean like they just don't oh this part doesn't do it right this is the way we do it and

I learned I just watched him making these meals and it would be like he would each little part of the meal would have the three or four ingredients and then however he was getting it going and then it would all come together and he would just be shooting the shit talking about italy as he made his friends a meal which is the greatest thing you could ever fucking do is cook for somebody i think one of the greatest um so it was just a simple show, I used to come on at like noontime,

I watched it every fucking day, I would wake up after doing spots late at the cellar and all that, I mean, when I was back, I was living with like, it was after I lived with Bobby Kelly, but you know, we'd stay out late and shit,

and I would sleep till like fucking 11, I would wake up, and rather than watching like The Price is Right or some shit, I would just pop that on, and I i don't know just watching him was interesting and then i i learned i just learned how to cook you know making fucking uh pasta from scratch his well method you make pasta from scratch it's not hard dude really so you you do the flour the eggs everything it's having the balls to just allow yourself to fuck it up. Going like, I'm going to fuck this up.

Like I made a key lime pie and I fucked it up because they want a little bit of the, I think it's called the rind, which is just a little bit like the zest of the lime. And I didn't know what I was doing. And I went too deep and I got to the white part and that's when it gets bitter and it fucked the whole pie up. So I was like, ah, fuck it. I had to throw the thing out. But then, you know, it's anything. You just fuck it up and then fix it. It's like if I had the time, you know,

I would learn how to rebuild an engine on a car. I love watching those fucking shows. And I've always thought, like, you know, I'm going to buy, like, a fucking 82 Chevy Citation. Just some fucking hunk of shit start with that yeah well just because i don't give a fuck about it and like you can screw up on that like i try to learn how to rebuild a carburetor rather than doing the one on my truck the 68 uh f100 i bought the same carburetor off of ebay that was fixed and i just took it apart and then tried putting it back together i fucked

it up but that's that's still something that bugs me. It's sitting in my garage like in pieces. Now, do you take lessons or do you just try to figure it out on your own? Dude, YouTube. Just YouTube? YouTube. Drum lessons, I take those. But like YouTube and shit, like there's certain things.

Like I would take a cooking class or something. But with my fucking ADD, like the internet is perfect. You can shut it off when you want. Yeah, I can read about the Illuminati and then I'm learning how to make a pie. And then I'm watching a bear fight an eagle. Just like, fucking the internet was made for fucking ADD psychos like me. And I just will literally just fly through all of that stuff. And I've learned to, like, I didn't think i had add then my wife said

i had it and then there was that whole well should you fucking you know do something about this and i just really realized that uh i just got to learn how to make it work for me so what i always have is i always have like nine things going at once you know what i mean playing drums learn how to play a helicopter and make a pie from scratch but. But the over the thing is the fucking comedy. But the thing is doing all of that and fucking up and failing and all the people that I meet in these different parts, you know, hobbies and shit ends up informing like characters and shit or points of view and stuff like, you know, like shit I used to buy into that, you know, the flyover states, people down the south, down south are dumb, all that stupid shit that people on the coast think.

And then you go there. You're like're like wait a minute these people are fucking cool they're doing different things so um that's different that's how i got into like barbecue and smoking and stuff so like when i go on the road i try to do that that when in rome thing it's different now than i think when we were kids when we were kids i think that was more applicable but the internet has informed more people and sort of educated people in a way there there's there's cool people everywhere now yeah but it also it depends on how you use any information you get like if you if you just wanted to reinforce it like the joke i always do in my act is everybody just goes to i'm right.com and just reads a bunch of facts and then just throws it at

people but i mean i'm guilty of that too but um i don't know i i i have faith but like watching the kinds of people that have been coming out of the woodwork in this this latest uh election you know a couple of those guys like watching um ted cruz no just watching like um i would say uh what's his face there donald trump the way he bullies the media and what pussies they are, how they just back down. They really just back down. All you got to do, you just got to give him shit back.

He just like gives them shit and they just, they fucking sit there and take it. At first it was funny to me because I used to love watching Bill Parcells was one of my favorites to watch when he would do Coach of the Giants and Patriots, Cowboys, a bunch of places he was at. But he would, in his press conferences, if you asked him a stupid question, he would

tear your fucking head off in such a perfect way that everybody else in the room was like, oh, shit, I'm not asking him this one. I got to make sure I'm on my game. And he took charge of it because that's one of the ones where i'm rooting for the guy because i feel like this is a bunch of nerds who maybe they they played varsity fucking baseball you know you know the way they come at him like well why'd you do this you know now that they know the result was something bad i like when he's giving him shit but like um i just you know some of the shit that just watching him um i like that he's going back at him.

But the way that they just are backing off him, like, oh, I didn't know he was going to make me look stupid. They just like implode. Like he sat there and went, it was fucking hilarious. He was in that first Republican debate. They were going, you said this about women. You said that about women. You said this about women. He goes, nah, he goes, I said that about Rosie O'Donnell.

And it got a huge laugh. She goes, no, you said that about other blah, blah about women he goes nah he goes i said that about rosie o'donnell and it got a huge laugh she goes no you've said that about other blah blah blah the women he just goes hey probably right and then that was it and it just went away and i think like he's he's really it's fascinating he's like exposing uh you know that i don't know it's like that wizard of oz thing that there's just a little guy behind they just have the one question and they're waiting for you to stammer and if you kind of throw the hit the ball back in their court i just don't think they're ready for it i don't think they're not ready for that kind of a personality in politics i i don't but like some of the the racist people and shit that you know that whatever the fuck was going on in that conference room i'm

not saying the black dude was 100 percent in the right. You know, this guy went there and started yelling some shit at Trump. He heckled him. And, you know, when did this happen? I don't know. Do you know about this, Jamie? And shit went sideways. And then the next thing you know, there's a bunch of, you know, eight white people on top of the black dude or whatever. So I don't know. I don't know what happened i don't know what happened but all i know is the quote that i read on this site was you know was the politician guy there trump going like well you know maybe maybe he should have got roughed up it's just like jesus dude jesus this sounds like i'm watching a mob movie it's really weird so

trump was saying maybe the guy should have got roughed up i think dude like i said i got add i was on like 20 different sites. I think I have ADD, too. It was like clickbait. Like I was probably, you know, I don't know. Here it is. Yeah. Donald Trump on his Black Lives Matter heckler.

Maybe he should have been roughed up. But, you know, Black Lives Matter. I mean, that's real. This movement is so strange. They interrupt shit and scream things like you saw what happened in dartmouth and new hampshire they walked through the study hall while these kids were studying they just start screaming black lives matter black lives oh everybody's quiet in study hall just they're studying yeah annoying people yeah

that's the lowest level of like trying to get attention yeah and not and and not having people want to hear what the fuck you have to say is it just going to annoy the shit out of somebody it's like those people when they ride the bikes like a thousand of them get together and they blow through lights like that's gonna be like you know what there should be a bike lane out here i just think i wish i had a bus and i could run over all of you right which is why uh you know i I don't know. I look at those terrorist acts. Like, I would think that if, like, a lot of the complaints, legitimate complaints, that being oppressed, their natural resources are being pulled out of their countries

and they're not getting the money for it. But to then blow up innocent people, go in and shoot them, it kills your fucking message. What you really need is a documentary yet by some bleeding heart person would i think would do way more than a dirty bomb or whatever the fuck it is they're trying to achieve because it just makes you think like uh no matter what their point is it's just like yeah but how could you do that yeah i think what their point what they're trying to do if i had a guess is they're trying to get people to not like any Muslims to hate Muslims because there's like 1.6 billion Muslims if they can make it about Muslims and not just about Isis or just about one terrorist group and

Separate people to the point where it's everyone is just attacking People that are of Islamic faith right then they have a holy war. I think that's ultimately Yeah, and you can make a ton of fuck it. There's ultimately yeah and you can make a ton of fucking there's a very few people can make a ton of fucking money there's a ton of money they're also fucking crazy i mean it's not just money it's it's ideology they're trying to dominate parts of the world i mean money's definitely a big part of it but did you see that that uh that documentary on uh scientology yes amazing yeah and i watched it i was just like if you can't see your own religion in this if you don't see can't see your own religion in this,

if you don't see the beginning of your own religion in this, the only thing that fucks Scientology is this video of the dude. He just started it too late. If that guy started it in, like, I don't know, 1800s, they'd still give him shit because it'd be a newer one. But the fact that there wouldn't have been video of this fucked-up, teethheaded dude on some broken down boat. Like if there wasn't video of that, like I think people could could really see.

I mean, dude, my background, my religion, I mean, the shit that we have done. Yeah. It's like everything that they're saying that every Muslim is doing right now. It's like, well, we've done that in spades. And it wasn't a couple of extremists. It was the leaders of the religion. You know? Crusades, the Inquisition, the fucking pedophilia.

Dude, they were in bed with the Nazis. Yeah. You know, when Jews went to find, like, where the hell did all I went? Took my riding lawnmower or whatever. They went up at the fucking Vatican. Like, some of their shit was there. Oh, were those yours? Sorry.

Yeah, they were on both sides. They were just like, listen, I don't know how this is going to shake out. You know, a lot of people in Europe were like that. They've always done that. You know, there's a damn car. Look at the cars that Germans make. You know, you got to think they're going to win. There's just not enough of them.

It's just too small an island or too small a country. If it was a big country like the United States and they made shit like that, it'd be pretty goddamn impressive. One of my favorite quotes from a German general was said, one Tiger tank was worth four American Sherman tanks, but the Americans always had five. That's a great quote. That's what it was. It was fucking McDonald's.

We were just cranking them out. Like fucking quarter pounders with cheese. It is crazy when you think about the fact like Audi, Mercedes, BMW. Like BMW used to make jet engines. And that technology was in their tanks. Dude, when I was, I mean, the shit I've been reading is like when American soldiers killed somebody German, they dropped the American gun and picked up the German.

Really? Yeah. Like our machine guns, I guess, overheated or there's, I don't know. You know. Come on, man. You like cars. You know how it is. I mean, we got the Corvette.

We got a couple, but most of them are kind of a Monte Carlo. Yeah. We have like old muscle cars. What I like is I like the old muscle cars because the way they look and the way they sound. But the way they drive, if you took like a 1980s Porsche or even a 70s, you could take like a 1973 Porsche, like a 1973 911. They handle pretty fucking good. Oh, yeah. Pretty goddamn good.

I mean, not like a new car, but pretty good. You know what the American excuse is? Is we had all this land so we could have straight roads. What they had over there, dude, those were like the original cow paths when they were bringing fucking provisions to town and they just paved over them basically

and then all of a sudden, how do we go 200 miles an hour on this? That's why Formula One has right and left turns. Best we'll do is just drive in a circle over here. I love it, dude. I love that. the more i travel the funnier we are like we're fucking loud yeah we got a lot of shit but we're not bad they try to make us seem like we're bad but we're not but it's just we just are a product of where we're from and who's kidding who man it's is it any more fun than

just stomping on the gas and going up 200 miles an hour in a straight line? Well, finally the cars they're making today, like the new Z28 or the new Camaros, the new Corvettes, the new Mustangs, they actually handle it. Cadillacs. The Cadillacs are great. Well, so much of it was the suspension. We actually put some money, because all we would do is just be be like what the fuck can this thing hold in this engine bay which automatically is stupid because you're adding weight there so but we would just stick as far as i can i've seen if you would just stick that in there and it was all about doing the

quarter mile or something like blowing somebody off at a fucking uh red light even as recently as like the 2013 gt500 shelby i think it was like a 60 40 weight weight balance. Like 60% front end because it was all engine. It's so out of balance. Now that's a bad thing because I don't know Carson. They plow. It's like, if you want any, if you want any, you really would like 50-50. 50-50 is ideal. Porsche puts the engine

in the rear, but they do that for traction because the engine sits over the back wheels and it helps you get off the line faster and it helps you when you're going around corners to to hit corners faster Jamie can you make some tea? What the fuck is going on my throat? But when you want when you go around corners it helps you get on the gas quicker because there's more traction Wow

And there's like a pendulum effect too with having the weight in the back that you could actually use and manipulate the guys who know How to drive Porsches really well they know how to manipulate that so they actually steer with the throttle. So as they're turning, they hit the gas and the ass end kicks out and it changes the angle of the turn. That's cool. Yeah, really badass drivers know how to manipulate it. So once again, thank God Germany was such a small country. I know, right?

Did you see that Norman Donald joke? No. I think he did it on Letterman. I forget how it went, but it was just something to the effect that Germany, how small they were. They were basically the size of the state of Maine, and they tried to take over the world. And he goes, and they almost did it. That's just fucking like, yeah. They came close.

It is amazing that one country produced so much engineering. The automotive engineering that came out of that one spot. To this day, the biggest car companies in the world, Porsche, Mercedes, Audi, BMW, all of those are German. That's phenomenal. We raided their secrets afterwards. Everything from audio tape to our NASA program was riddled. Operation Paper Club. A lot of sauerkraut on that paper.

Well, not just ours. The Russians, too. They took a lot of the engineers from Nazi Germany, too. Oh, they did? Yeah, yeah. There was a battle between their Nazis and our Nazis. That's filthy. Operation Paperclip.

There was more than 100 Nazi scientists they took over. It's fucking crazy. The whole Nazi... Werner Von Braun, the guy who ran NASA, the Simon Wiesenthal Center said that if he was alive today, they would prosecute him for crimes against humanity. He was a fucking straight up Nazi. Oh, he was. Yeah, he hung Jews.

He hung the five slowest Jews in front of his rocket factory in Berlin. The five slowest workers. They would just hang them. No, wait. factory in Berlin the five slowest workers they would just hang him no wait so this guy was could build rockets and he was also into that shit because I always felt like but Germany was like you're the scientist you're under this flag so you got to work with these guys who were gonna kill you I didn't know that you could actually be an egghead like the usually scientists they they

understand that human beings are human you know what I mean well he might have just complied so that he could get his rocket factory going and have the funds and have all the necessary, have all the tools and all that jazz. I don't know exactly how he did it, but he was a Nazi. I mean, why he was a Nazi is up to debate. Jesus Christ. Yeah. How do you get out of that? It's a good question. Because you can't say no, you got to run away.

Well, they set up a couple. What do you do? Can we just do four? Is four cool? We just try to talk them down. Just one. One guy's enough. Oh, man.

Yeah. He's, I mean, obviously he was a brilliant scientist, but they got a lot of brilliant scientists they brought over from Germany. And Germany's never going to shake that one off. That's one's going to be, that's going to be, that's another one. It's on, it's on like two things. It's on video, you know, there's video documentation of it. And, and that country still exists. You know what I mean?

They won't have Scientology. They won't let Scientology in. It's illegal in Germany. Why? Because of what happened to them. They're nervous about people starting movements. Any kind of cults, any kind of mind control shit, anything that looks nutty, they're like, not here

pal. Not here pal. No dead heads or people following Dave Matthews. Too much organization fish fish concert fish was one that i never got did you ever try to listen to that uh yeah i did i just i i had young ears when i did so i'd have to go back and let's do it like i was coming right out of hair metal just starting to accept grunge and then i went to this fucking jam band i did see them uh live uh how the fuck did i end up see i saw them at the old boston garden because it was it was uh wbcn had this thing where they had two stages going and they just had all these like every fucking band

like the spin doctors and just all of these guys and then fish closed it i forget who i wanted to see though it wasn't either one of those bands it was somebody else it was a long fucking time ago and um i remember seeing them and the crowd was going fucking nuts and they had these little tramp you know those workout trampolines they were like jumping up and down on them as they played um really long songs that's what i remember really long songs on it But I bet if I listened to them now, I could maybe get my head around it. But that was definitely... That's the Grateful Dead did that too, right?

They had those really long jam songs. They just go on and on. Yeah, you had to go see them live to get it if you were someone like... I went and I saw them at Sullivan Stadium. And I saw them right before their keyboardist OD'd. Like literally two months before that. And I remember going there and I was sort of into the music, but watching how much they were connecting with the people there. I actually, it's like, I get this.

I get why people could get sucked into this because what was cool was there was a ton of people there, but there was no violent violence vibe there. There wasn't like, oh, oh hey watch out for that guy everybody was just really fucking cool right and going nuts and was like beyond excited that they were there but once again it just it didn't wasn't really for me but wasn't everybody on acid and that's the whole thing about those things that everybody's tripping i mean i think it's available i don't think literally everybody but there's a lot of people yeah but whatever drugs they were doing i mean i had a cousin that followed them around when I was at a high school. I guess she went to college for a little bit.

And then her and her boyfriend just traveled around. They had a VW bus, one of those buses, you know, little vans. And at the back of the van, they would sell scrambled eggs. They would like buy groceries and make bacon and eggs and sell them to people that were coming in.

That was like her gig. She would travel around the country. There's a beauty in that simplicity, but I think after a while you want to, like, dude, I got to take a shower. I just want to be in a house, man. Can't keep swimming in the lake. Or sleeping up in that fucking,

the roof of the VW, right? The camper. Yeah. You ever seen those things? I'm fascinated by those things because I'm thinking about putting together an apocalypse vehicle, like a Toyota Land Cruiser that has one of those tents on the roof. You ever seen those things? They have these tents.

They pack down to just a few inches. They're like six or seven inches high. Like not even, maybe six inches high. And you unzip them and then unfold them, and they come with a ladder. So there's a platform on the top, and the platform folds over and doubles out and extends out to the side of the truck, and then you climb up the ladder into these tents. I would tell you that if the apocalypse happens and you're in L.A., your vehicle is useless

Other than to hide behind when people shoot at you because you know you can't get out of this fucking place Yeah, even when it's working. Yeah, you got to get out. That's why I did the helicopter thing. That's a smart move man I think that's another thing you do like you're involved with so many different things I I'd love that you do that because It reminds me of me in a lot of way. And that's one of the reasons why I think I probably have ADD too. I have to be doing a bunch of different shit. If I'm not, I kind of get crazy, but I haven't gotten to the point where I'm baking pies yet. Oh, you got to do that. Well, you know what? The holidays were awesome when I was growing up.

So I moved so far away from everybody I know that, uh, you know, I just got all the recipes. So I was like, I want to know how to make this. I want to know how to pass it on. It's not hard. The filling isn't hard. The thing is, is the crust. You got to get that down and just, you know, you make two, three of them. You know, it doesn't take that long, dude.

I'm not a bright guy. I've done some smoking. I've done some smoking. I smoked a ham. I've smoked two hams. I brine them. Did you do it on the egg? I did one of them. No, both of them I've done on smoking. I smoked a ham. I've smoked two hams. I brine them. Did you do it on the egg? I did one of them.

No, both of them I've done on electric smokers. But one of them I did on this, I think it's a Weber. I forget who makes it. Weber? But the last one that I did. Sorry. Why'd you do that? I just, the Boston accent.

I have to do it every once in a while. The last one I did, I got a pellet grill. Have you ever used a pellet grill? No. That's the easiest way to smoke. What it is, is that they use pellets and the pellets are like, say if you were making this desk, when you saw the wood, they take the sawdust and they compress it. And the natural sugars in the wood, there's no additives. You know they get those charcoal briquettes and they light real easy. It's because they're fucking soaked with chemicals and they smell funny. Oh, that's the flavor. That's the flavor.

Cancer coming right up on you. Down to you, Parker. But those sawdust pellets, when they compress the sawdust, it looks like little cylinders, and they sit in a hopper. And then the hopper feeds down into this worm drive, and the worm drive puts it into an element. And the element heats it up up and it turns into fire. And then it's, so it's burning wood. It's just burning wood.

And it keeps it at the exact temperature. It just varies one or two degrees up or down. So, you know, like if you're using the green egg, you got to adjust the openings, the baffles. Yeah, but how is the, but the green egg holds its temperature tremendously. Yeah, it does. But if, now how's the taste on that thing? It tastes awesome because it's just wood.

It's just fire and wood. But I'm saying, is it comparable to some, because you've said that you can do it in everything but an actual smoker. Yeah. No, I've done it. I've done it. I have a Kamado, which is real similar to the green egg. All right.

And I never smoked a ham in there, but I've smoked chicken in there, which is nice. Tastes great. You know, just slow cook a chicken, like at, you know, 200, 200 degrees, 250, and just, you know, have some wood burning, a little charcoal as well. But, um... I just realized, is this only interesting to us? Like, we're fucking disappearing

down this rabbit hole. And then what do you do? No, it's... I'm interested in things that people are interested in. Like, when I hear you talk about helicopter, being a helicopter pilot, I've never wanted to fucking fly a helicopter until I hear you talking about it. I'm like, oh, that sounds badass. I never wanted to make a fucking pie crust until I hear someone like you who's into it,

and then I get into it. I mean, that's how I am with things. I think comics are like that, though. Yeah. You have to be kind of, I think the best comic, you got to be, you have to have a general interest in shit. You can't be like, I'm into this, this, and this, and then that's fucking it. And then your act's going to look like that.

You're going to have like two, three fucking subjects. You're going to dry up like, ah, I can't come up with a new hour. It's like, because you're not challenging yourself. You got to go out and try something new. You try something new, you're going to fuck it up. You're going to feel stupid. And then you're going to fuck it up. You're going to feel stupid. Yeah. And then you're going to get a story.

You're going to get something out of it. So, uh, yeah, my, I drive my wife a little nuts with the, I'm trying to learn how to fucking relax a little bit more, but I can't like,

uh, dude, she watches that Bravo TV, man. Oh my God. That's like housewives, Kardashians, the whole fucking thing,

dude. And I, why smart? Why does she watch that? I literally say that to her. No, but she, like, this is, my wife either watches the sickest shit ever on TV. Like, who's that scientist guy, the African-American guy? Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Dude, that guy is, like, terrifying. He's so fucking smart just listening to shit that he's yeah I was watching the other day now and I believe we all came from the trees it's crazy right what do you mean you believe because he was saying that like people were saying we came from the oceans and blah blah he had this whole theory that you know the the whatever the fucking trees grew first and we came out of that and we're all part I dude and they're

doing all the special effects and then he fucking zooms in on you. It's like one of those things where I feel like, yeah, like I ate a pot cookie, too big a pot cookie when I watched that guy. But she'll either watch that type of stuff or like Fargo, like really good TV or she just wants to veg out. She just wants to veg out. So how I make my peace with it, I'm like, this is just as dumb as me watching every Bruins game or every Patriots game. That's a good point. And getting emotionally like hating Rex Ryan on some level. He's the coach of the Buffalo Bills.

I don't know the guy. I'm sure if I hung out with him, he'd be a fucking great guy. We'd be laughing our balls off. But it's because he coaches this fucking team that plays my team that i get nothing from other than you know fucking having a heart attack every game like it's just it's really you think why do i give a shit to this level i do love sports so i just think it's fucking badass no i listen to your podcast you fucking love sports you go off sometimes i can't let have to fast forward to see when you're done talking about the Patriots. I know. Sometimes that'll be 15 minutes. But I get it because I, you know, I'm obviously obsessed with MMA. So I get it. I just don't follow regular, I just don't have

enough time. I just know that if I got into sports, like if I got into football and I had a buddy of mine tried to get me into football, he watched an awesome Superbowl game once. I was like, wow, this is amazing. I don't have the time. I don't have the time to follow all the games and pay attention to all the shit. That's what I always ask people when they go, I'm not into sport. I'm like, Jesus. I go, what do you do with all your free time? Because the amount of time that I spend just looking at the standings, seeing who's doing what.

And then it makes me think back when I was a kid. I got to look up this player. And then I gotta see like all time I'm big on numbers and shit I love that about the internet

that you can look up like the all time leading pass rushes or quarterbacks or something and then they'll have highlighted the guys who are still playing

and it's like oh this guy's like a hundred yards away from passing this guy let me watch the game and see if they bring it up that he just passed fucking slinging Sammy Ba.

Have you ever thought about doing commentary? Would you do commentary? I mean, you know a lot about football. I would do it on my own. I would do it on my own because the thing about it is, you know, once you, like, it's a corporation. As much as you're enjoying the sport, like the NBA, NFL, NHL is a corporation. And then no matter how you slice it, you're in the cubicle. And I can't be saying certain things.

I have that same problem with the UFC. But I've been around for so long, I kind of get away with it in some sort of a weird way. But probably not forever. It's probably going to come a point in time. You're great at it, though. But you don't say anything crazy. Not during the show. Not during the show. Not during the fights, but sometimes outside the fights,

I'll talk about fighters or fights or things, and I'll say something ridiculous. Because, you know, especially Tony Hinchcliffe and I got in trouble recently because we were talking about this woman, Chris Cyborg. Do you know who Chris Cyborg is? No, great name, though. Very masculine, very muscular female fighter, excellent fighter, but she's been caught using performance-enhancing drugs.

She got caught using male hormones. And Dana White was talking about roasting fighters on my podcast. He wanted to set up a roast, and I said, look, Tony Hinchcliffe's the guy. He's awesome at roasts. I go, I'm not good at it. It's not my my thing but he's great at it I go you should you should roast cyborg that would be the first one and he goes I don't know where to start I go her dick like that's where you would start and then Tony went into this whole thing about and then she got mad and she's upset at us now and she says we're bullying and see it's a problem like I don't

know because you're a philly yeah and then they also know them and they're people and stuff it's a problem like i don't know because you're a philly yeah and then they also know them and their people and stuff that's another thing too it's like you know one of the fun things in the podcast is i don't know any of these guys exactly i don't get paid by these guys well i heard your conor mcgregor rant that was awesome i just felt that that guy he earned coming out i know he fucking dropped his hands a little bit but i just felt like you guy, he earned coming out. I know he fucking dropped his hands a little bit, but I just felt like, you know, he was doing all right. For a guy that had the short thing. I was not shitting on Conor McGregor.

The guy's obviously a great fighter. No, but it's funny, though. It's funny. I said the Burger King looking guy came out and attacked Barney Rubble. Yeah. No, but there's something funny about that, like, uninformed sort of thing thing so like Joey Diaz this whole thing. Yeah, he always gets the names wrong Yeah, yeah, so I got into this business to not have a job I don't want to have and I've done it. I've done one gig or actually wrote for a fucking like like a

Comedian that was gonna go out and do the monologue fucking thing. Oh, really? And it was just fucking, it was weird. It would just be like, okay, the monologue's a little weak here. We need more jokes about corn. Hey, Bill, go in the room and write, give me 10 jokes about, like, whatever, about fucking. How long ago was this? I don't know, five, six years ago.

Who were you writing for? Do you remember? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

But I just got into this. I was writing for somebody very funny. I did it like two years in a row, five, six years ago. Who were you writing for? Do you remember? I don't know. I don't know how to name names. But I just got into this. I was writing for somebody very funny. I did it like two years in a row, and it just became like a job. What am I doing here? And I have like a tremendous amount of respect for writers now that they can. I mean, that is like. I remember a long time ago when Mr. Show was on the first time seeing bob odenkirk on stage

and he was like towards the end of like the fifth season or whatever they did and he was coming in just fried from the writer's room and he was riffing about how he goes you know what i do during the day he goes i'm i mind comedy i strip mine you just feel like he was just like just sitting there like you know those fucking shows do when you start getting like 70 episodes in you're like fuck now what do we do and you're just sitting around trying to think of something um don't you feel like that would stand up sometimes like because you would you put out a new hour every year and a half or so every two years i'll do a special or so maybe a little bit more like i i do

it in a nice like relaxed clip like uh what louis does is astounding to me that you could you could just or back when you know richard prior richard prior did that for a number of years like he put out like an hour like four hours out in six years or something did it every year of his life every year of his life he put out a new hour yeah i mean I mean, it was, yeah, that's astounding to me. And Louie's the craziest because he did it while he's producing a show. Writing, acting, directing. Yeah, and on a high quality, one of the funniest shows on fucking TV. And editing it.

He was editing it. He was involved every step of the way. No, I would have a gun in my mouth. I could never sit in a fucking editing room. I can't do it. So with the show that I have coming out, I actually was in the writer's room most, probably 90% of the time,

I just sat there pitching jokes and all that type of stuff. And the work ethic of those guys, we'd start getting up to five o'clock and we'd get to the last page of the script and I'd be like, oh, thank Christ. And they'd be like, all right, let's go. Let's just read through it one more time, just see what we did, see how it flows. script and i'd be like oh thank christ and then be like all right let's go let's just read through it one more time just see what we did see how it flows and i would literally be like no and it's your show yeah i'm just like oh my god how do these guys do this

and then i would fucking come in the next day and then the guy the co-creator of the show mike price from the simpsons who's just an absolute force and he's a sweetheart of a guy um would come in and be like yeah you know i was looking at the script last night and i kind of switched a few things around i was just like i would really be like how do you do that like i come home and i just fucking pour a scotch and i stare at the fucking wall and watch a little espn and i fall asleep and then we're right back at it again and um like i think it really takes a certain type, like, you know, this guy's a comedian or, you know, this guy's an athlete. Like, the top level writers and showrunners like Mike Price, like, they literally, it's like, you look at the guy, it's like you're born to do this shit.

It's a lot harder than people think it is. It's a lot more work, a lot more concentration, a lot more effort. And like you said, the hours, the hours, the crazy thing, those guys work insane hours. Oh, when, when you get it done and it doesn't work and you got to start pulling it apart. It's just like, and everybody's feeling it. Everybody's like on edge. I got, ah, fuck, here we go. Right when you were done, when you were done filming, you came to the store and you were hanging out in the back and we were talking about it and you were like, I feel like, you know, I love doing it.

It's going to be hilarious. But fuck, I could have been working on it. You know, I could have had 10 new minutes over the time I've been doing this. Oh, I don't know. That wasn't, that was a different thing. That was a different project. It was? Yeah, no, it wasn't the.

It wasn't the cartoon? No, it wasn't the uh it wasn't a cartoon no it wasn't the animated thing no the animated thing was was definitely uh like from start to finish i mean it took us a long time and it was definitely tedious points of it but it was fucking awesome too when we were in the writer's room as difficult as it was was we laughed our asses off like every fucking hour because it was it was perfect netflix was just like, like their network notes were push it further. Really?

Oh, dude, it was a dream. It was all the shit we used to talk about. I haven't even mentioned the name of the show. The name of the show is F is for Family. It's a new cartoon

coming out December 18th on Netflix. The trailer looks awesome. Let's play the trailer. Can we play the trailer? We can. Can we? They're not going to pull it.

Netflix isn't going to pull us. Well, is that going to work as far as, don't they need to pull us. Well, is that going to work as far as... Don't they need the visual, too? Well, the people watching on YouTube will get the visual, which is a lot of people, but the people that are listening to it, only listening, they will be inspired to go watch the video.

Oh, all right. Okay. Now that they know. I can drive, but when I have to, I drink White House beer. White House beer, the one draft you won't want to dodge. I was watching that. Now you weren't. And now you're not.

Can you hold down the fort while I'm gone? You're just going to leave me alone with these animals? You leave them with me. But that's our deal. You know what you were getting into when you let me get into you? Gross! Kits, don't bother your mom today. She's busy with her little hobby.

It's a job. Yes, fine, a job. I'll make dinner. Salisbury steak or pork medley? Oh, not that shit again. What was that? Yummy! Hey, grab me a cold one out of the cooler.

You're up, little man. Hold the wheel. Jeez, I wish I had me for a dad. I'll be right back. You stay here. Do not move your ass from this spot. You understand me, Einstein? Fuck you. Remember the test you took? Are you an abusive parent? You know what? These fucking hippies. Christ, they're running around naked, soiling each other. other you're gonna tell me how to be a good parent Jesus

Christ once you put some goddamn clothes on Frank focus no son of mine is gonna flunk out. I hate school. I hate my life, but I keep on doing it. There's no girl astronauts or vampires. Women will be astronauts in the future, sweetie. So, why do you lie to the girl? Victor? You two know each other?

He was my special after-school helper. Remember how we cleaned the kitchen? Yeah, you fucked the shit out of me. I'm putting you in charge of your sister today. You got that? Yep. Okay, if anything bad happens to her, I will come right home, and I will put you through that fucking wall.

Have a great day, princess. It's weird seeing a guy, like a character, with your voice. Oh, yeah. It's like it's you, but it's supposed to be your dad? Is that supposed to be your dad? No, it's an amalgam of everybody's dads in the writer's room. I mean, certain things, certain catchphrases, like, I'll put you through that fucking wall. My dad used to say that, man. My mom used to say, I'll break your fucking, I'll put you through that fucking wall. My dad used to say that, man.

My mom used to say, I'll break your fucking legs. Yeah, push through the fucking wall. Yeah, it was back then where you- People talk to their kids that way. Dude, I remember just how much shit has changed. I remember one time my mother was driving, and my two little brothers were just acting up, and she just had had it. She goes, I swear to God, if you guys don't shut up, I'm going to pull over and I'm spanking your bare asses right on the side of the road. And they kept testing.

Dude, she fucking pulled over and she did it. And people were driving by just blowing their horns, laughing. They thought it was funny. They were immediately like, wow, those kids really irritated their mom. It wasn't like, you know, there wasn't cell phones. Yeah. And take the kids away and give them to the state and shit. So, yeah, it takes place in like 1973 and uh let me read some of the names so laura durrance uh plays my wife uh dave kechner's in it justin long kevin farley joe buck phil henry hayley

reinhardt mo collins sam rockwell gary cole did i say him we got all we got a whole bunch of people that came on uh to do it so what's cool is it's serialized. So like one episode leads into the next one, which I was against. And Netflix is like, no, trust us, trust us. And then the second we started writing towards an overall arc, it just took it to a whole nother level. And it was another brilliant idea by Netflix. They've just been awesome to work with.

They're fucking killing it. They are just killing it. They're killing it with comedy specials. They're fucking killing it. They are just killing it. They're killing it with comedy specials. They're killing it with series. It's amazing what they've been able to do. Well, I think that where everybody kind of got caught flat-footed, they saw what it could be. It'd be like Dane when Myspace first came out.

He saw the potential before everybody else, I feel. He just got it. I think he was actually doing shit on other sites before there was even MySpace, from what I heard. So I feel like Netflix, in a lot of ways, those people that get... I'd say Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon gets what's going online. And that's why all that stuff he has his guests do and all that shit,

because he knows it's going to go viral. So he gets them on TV, and if he doesn't get them on TV, then it goes on the internet, and all of his clips get like fucking, like, you know, 10 zillion hits. But like there's certain people, as early on as we're,

you know, you know the TV and the computer are all just going to become the same fucking thing. Yeah's inevitable now yeah but so it's the people that kind of i like get it i guess i is the only way i can put it they just they can see where it's where the herd is going they took chances a long time ago too i did a netflix special in 2005 that was the the like that was one of the first ones they did i would think so like i didn't i didn't even hear it. That's back when they used to deliver the movies to you, right? Yeah.

Yeah. You would get them in the mail or something like that. Yeah. Hilarious. They're doing so much shit now. They have that Marco Polo thing that's about the Mongols. You ever watch that series? I didn't see that one.

Fucking expensive. I don't know how much they spend on it, but it's a period piece. And it's all these elaborate sets and incredible fucking acting. They've done so much. And the beautiful thing about Netflix is when a series comes out, you can binge watch right away. So December 8th, when this comes out, you can watch the whole fucking series. Right. And they timed it because they think young kids are going to like it.

They're like, well, let's wait till they're out of college, wait until they're home a few days. Their parents are driving them nuts. They just want to go to the room, sit down and watch something. That's perfect. Yeah, yeah. That's perfect. They're really smart.

I think the first one I did with them was my first special, and I remember it aired on Comedy Central and did did okay and then you know it gets thrown into their mountain of specials you never know when they're going to show it again yeah where netflix it was like on netflix so if you saw it you could tell your friend at work and then it was just like you know i just saw them i was like wow these guys it's like almost like they've they've taken the best shit from youtube and put it all in one place you know what i mean and but you can actually watch it because they take down so many movies and shit and comedy specials from youtube and um what was great was that was right then when i was starting to go to europe and they were just starting to go

to europe so i i was like half a step ahead as far as my where initially where i was where I would do stand-up it always felt like right after I left the next time I came they would be there and then like two years later it flipped where I would be getting there right after they got there and then that's when my ticket sales really started going up when I was when I went overseas was because that's like this this show you know when we were finishing them they were dubbing them into like a zillion different languages. Wow. Like there's a clip of it all in Russian already. It's fucking nuts.

So did you see a big bump when you did your Netflix special? A big bump in like ticket sales? Yeah, I definitely did. And the thing about it is, but like most things, it's like you just don't get on Netflix and then that automatically means that's going to happen. It's the combination. It's like if you deliver an hour that's going to connect with people that watch Netflix, it's going to be on there. And then it's going to start moving up and get to that front page.

And then, yeah, when that happens, that's when, you know, you definitely see like a bump. And then if you just, you know, keep coming out with good hours, hopefully you can hang on to them. Yeah, that's what Segura said. Segura said it had a huge impact. As soon as he put his first special on, just boom, everything just took off, doubled, tripled. Now he's doing theaters. Like it just made a big impact for him. And then a year plus later, he just recorded his second one.

So he's getting ready to release that now. Yeah, but the thing is, though, Tom's also a monster comic. So there's a lot of people, you know, back in the day, like the MySpace thing. I hate to keep going back to that, but everybody's like, well, I'll get on MySpace, and then I'll sell out fucking the forum. And it's just like, well, you're not that person. You know what i mean you don't have like uh like whatever that yeah you have to have everything you have to have a whole

bunch of shit going on at the same time but also like tom's got a great work ethic which you do too you know you he's always working on new shit and you are too you know that's i think that's one of the most important things for a comedian it's just to constantly be working on stuff we all know like especially where we came from guys would develop an act and they had that fucking act locked down for decades no and if you're doing that then which when you go home you're like your hobby's getting more attention or if you don't even have a fucking hobby at that point if you basically have your life down like i live here and i drive here and this is the jokes i tell and then i come home you're just waiting to die yeah i think and i think it fucks with your brain i think your brain

gets just turns to mush so do you is this something you read about or is this just like your instincts no this is all figuring out uh your own mind yeah how it worked because i feel like when you get into this business like you have to as much as people can give you advice, you have to figure out how you create what works for you. Cause I used to get into brutal writer's block and I didn't know how to get myself out of it. And what I do now is I know these tricks that I use that fuck with my brain and open it up rather than close it down.

And basically what it is is like, all right, I just don't have anything new to say. I'm just going to improv on all my existing material. And I'm going to try to expand it as much as I can. So then this old fucking thing that was weighing me down becomes, you know, it's like you crack the window. It becomes a little fresh air comes in there. And it's really, you know, how your mind works is really you know the vibe

like dude if you if i was in in here and it didn't have all these fucking antlers lava lamps and the mummies and there's a vibe in this room yeah but if you just had overhead fucking lighting and we were sitting at some horrible table you get at staples and it was just a tuba it would affect the vibe yeah yeah no i agree if we never addressed it maybe we could riff on how fucking you get at Staples and it was just a tuba, it would affect. The vibe. Yeah. Yeah, no, I agree. If we never addressed it. Maybe we could riff on how fucking sterile it was. But so, like, mentally, you do the same thing. Rather than sitting there at that fucking, you know, when I'm a writer's block, that's

what I feel like. I feel like I'm sitting in, like, that overhead lighting and it's just, it's horrible. So you just. Do you go on stage with, like, a half idea and dig yourself a hole where you have to kind of figure out how to get out of it? I do that too. All the time. A lot of guys do that, right? Yeah.

I got this new thing on McDonald's of all things that I'm talking about just of how they've – I'm trying to combine it with like the bloggers, how they bully people. And if you apologize, they see the weakness and then you become the person they're always going after. And I feel like McDonald's did that when they started making salads. Like they admitted this wrongdoing, and now look at them. Now they're serving breakfast all day. That was the best move they ever did. Doug Benson. They're on the run.

Doug Benson had a bit about that years ago. Like, why don't you fucking keep making that McGriddle? It's the greatest thing on earth, and you stop having it at 10 a.m. Like, it's so true. That McGriddle is, I don't, fucking keep making that McGriddle? It's the greatest thing on earth. And you stop having it at 10 a.m. Like, it's so true. That McGriddle is, I don't, I try not to eat those. Dude, is that like with the pancake with soaked in syrup? Is that what, but like the bun is a pancake? Yes.

Oh, dude, that is one of the worst things I've ever tasted. I love them. I love those things. I love them. I can't eat them, though. I can't eat them. Because it's fucking like 20 grams of sugar. It's so bad for you. No, everybody's

got their thing. I like the double cheeseburgers. At Burger King? At McDonald's? Yeah. I can't eat McDonald's cheeseburgers. I'm not a Burger King guy. I can't eat them either. If I eat at those places, I have to eat something chicken or fish. I just know that that burger is just, who knows

what the fuck is in there oh yeah well you don't go there for that yeah I know but why would you start serving salads if you got I'm gonna go to a salad bar I'm not gonna go to your stupid place with the playroom next to it because you're stuck if you're stuck somewhere and there's only one thing to eat like if you're on a truck stop on the highway and it's just a McDonald's try to get something with some kind of vitamins in it dude you know what they're like? They're like, you know, when like a filthy comic decides he's going to work clean. That's what they're doing. All right.

You're McDonald's. That's the best. You work blue. That's the best. When you see a filthy comic trying out for the Tonight Show, their fucking act is empty. It's like an empty box. No, you can do it, though. You can do it, but it's not like, look, if you're just.

It's not you. Look, if you're just being dirty because it's punching up your jokes, that's one thing. All right? But if it's really how you are, I mean, how I talk on stage is how I talk. That's how I talk. So for me to go up there and actually to work clean and do all of that is me being a character. Yeah. So that's why I just went.

Like, I think, you know, dude, George Carlin, you could consider that guy character. Yeah. So that's why I just went. Like, I think, you know. Dude, George Carlin. You could consider that guy blue. Sure. Prior. Those guys were fucking brilliant. As Bill Cosby. You know, Bill Cosby himself is, to me, is like arguably the greatest special of all fucking time.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It's a shame what he did after the specials. Or before. Or before. During. Yeah. I mean, I guess he was just always doing that. Yeah, I have

no idea. Do you think, and this is something I've been batting around. I think you and I are the last two that he never tried to roofie. I feel left out. Tom Herrera says that too. He always gets there first. Yeah, he's already on stage with that. He always gets there first. Do you think that, you know how we were talking about

your mom, you know, could pull you over and spank you on the highway? Someone could do that. My mom could say that. I didn't even realize what my mom was saying was fucked up until her brother goes, Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you saying? She would just yell at me, I'm going to break both your fucking legs. And my uncle was like, Jesus, don't talk to the fucking kid like that. And then I was like, yeah, that is kind of fucked up.

But I didn't even think anything of it because I was seven. It's normal. Do you think that back in Cosby's day, like back in the 60s, do you think that that was a regular thing that people just would roofie chicks or they would give them quaaludes or they would give them a mickey? They used to call it dropping a mickey. Do you think that that was like a more normal thing? I have no idea.

I have no idea. I have no idea. But I do know back then there was all that what were you wearing well what did you think was gonna happen i mean it was really uh it was yeah dude it was i mean all of that that um uh frat boy shit all of that reputation was earned yeah just some of the dude i i've talked to guys like 10 years older than me and they tell me like half the shit that they you know not half the shit but a sizable chunk of some of their stories with the hazing and shit they did with chicks would be like

dude you guys would all be in fucking jail for a long time yeah like the 70s those guys that came of age in the 70s. Yeah. I remember, oh, God. I'm not going to name names. I remember one night, I'm riding in the car. It was me and another comic and this other comic who was older. And we were driving, killing time. We started telling pussy stories.

Dude, and this guy's stories. Every fucking other story, me and the other comic were looking at each other like dude what the fuck i remember one of his stories ended with yeah there were a lot of no's that night just like dude what the we literally changed the subject jesus christ yeah and he was sitting there laughing because like to him it there wasn, that was what was done. So, you know, I don't, anybody that says from back then that that was done to them, after just listening to that guy talking about the 70s, I'm like, Jesus Christ, what the 60s were like. So I believe, you know, all of them. Yeah, I think that's what, I think the behavior that people had,

if you watch like those old movies where men would smack women all the time. I mean, it was all the time. Like, you know, someone would say something, backhand them, shut up. Dude, there was no pedophiles back then. They were considered dirty old men. Stay away, he's a dirty old man.

That guy's a drunk, he's a bum. It was very just sort of broadly defined. Yeah. There wasn't even like a Catholic pedophile scandal back then. Was there? My man, that's when it was going on. We knew about it, right? We knew there were certain priests you had to stay away from.

Dude, this is so beyond anything that I even investigate. I have no fucking idea. I just, in general, I adhere to the thing that we're basically hairless apes that can drive a car i mean i really just think that that's what we that's how we like when i watch when they first discovered that chimpanzees like ate other monkeys and that when they fucking killed the monkey they got off on it and they almost like walk around talking shit about what they did and just like uh i saw this thing where where they taught this one chimpanzee how to do sign language. And within like a fucking month, his ego went through the roof.

Things started sexually assaulting other fucking. He acted like it got its own show. It was unreal. I was walking around like some spoiled star. And when I just see the behavior of those fucking things and this i saw one of those chimpanzee caught this other smaller monkey right and it's standing on the fucking thing he's up in a tree and the thing can't move and rather than killing it it was just taking its index finger its thumb was just digging meat out of the thing's back and the thing was screaming and the fucking

chimp was getting off on like torturing this thing to death and it really was like uh it was fucking depressing to watch i'm like that's that's what we like we're so much of that is in it like i really believe that i don't i'm a pessimistic guy when it comes to that shit well i mean that's undeniable when it comes to chimps and we are a close relative to chimps but that when they found that video when they first started filming that i think that was a david attenborough nature documentary i might be wrong but when they first filmed it that was the first time they realized that chimps even ate meat like they didn't they didn't even know no they eat monkeys all the time it's like one of their favorite things to eat and they have these sophisticated ways of capturing did you see

all that yeah the way they flush it out and everything and then they surround it and then they just get into it and the way they in the out and everything, and then they surround it, and then they just get into it. And the way they, in the end, like, they're all amped up when they killed the fucking thing, like, yeah. And they eat them, they eat them, like, from the asshole first. They eat their guts. Like, they

pull them apart, like, they hold onto their body, and they pull, like, there's a video of one, like, literally biting it through the hips, and, like, pulling it apart from the hips. Is the thing still alive? Oh, yeah, there's a video of one, like, literally biting it through the hips and, like, pulling it apart from the hips. Is the thing still alive? Oh, yeah. It's screaming. It's screaming.

And it's got this little face. A little face and it's little hands and it's screaming. And this chimp is just eating it alive. I mean, that's our closest relative. It's crazy. But you know what else is crazy? That's fucking gross, man. Our other closest relative.

That really just made me feel fucked up just visualizing that. You can watch it. We can pull it up. No. I saw the back one. I had to shut it off. It was on YouTube. There's a bunch of them now.

They've got quite a few videos of it now. But what's more fucked up is- I fucking hate chimpanzees now. But those other chimps, the bonobos. I think they should be able to live, but I just fucking, I don't want to be anywhere near one. They're scary. They're very scary. We had this idea that they weren't scary because of BJ and the bear and all that stupid shit from television.

We decided they were these peaceful banana eating. We thought they ate bananas until like a decade ago. We didn't even know. Do you ever hear why they're so strong? Why? I saw this whole fucking thing is the way when their brain fires a message to whatever the nerve endings or whatever, when they, they can't do, obviously they can't sit down and like play a guitar.

Like they don't have that type of thing. It's just like when they, they want their right arm to do things like all the muscles from the tip of their fingers, all the way to their shoulder, all the way to their back or whatever. I mean, I think you're using those anyways,

but like our stuff is more like precision their shit is just like fucking uh it's like a like a defensive blitz like everybody's fucking coming so i mean i don't know i just realized halfway through that it was beyond my fucking understanding of the human body but evidently like they just say like, like, areas of muscle all just enact at the same fucking time. Have you ever seen what one looks like without their hair? They're jacked, right? Oh, my God.

Pull up a hairless chimp, because sometimes they get manged. But you look at them, but they don't outweigh you. So you feel like, all right, you fucker, let's, you know, no biting. No biting, all right? I ought to be able to come out of a dojo, right, with a brown belt in jiu-jitsu. And if you looked at the fucking weight difference. Look at that. Look at his balls.

Jesus Christ. Look at the size of the sack on that guy. Dude, that looks like Ivan Putski. Polish power. WWE. That guy, oh, my God. Dude, look at those fucking hands. You know what?

Now I don't wonder. Yeah, look at the size of the arms on that fucker. Yeah, he's probably 170, 180 pounds. He's probably like as big as a man, but the strength they have is just unbelievable. I had a baby monkey on me. A baby chimp on me once on news radio. We had this episode that they brought in a bunch of animals for the scene.

He was a baby. He was like two years old. And this little guy was on top of me and he just started hitting me in the back. And I was like, whoa,

like what the fuck? Like it didn't make any sense. Was it testing you? No, he just beat my ass. This little tiny thing just decided to start beating my ass.

I mean, he was little. Like I could pick him up and I could hold him like this. But I knew, like just from this two-year-old chimp, that if he decided to just fucking go crazy on me, I would have to fight, like, just from this two-year-old chimp, that if he decided to just

fucking go crazy on me, I would have to fight for my life. This little two-year-old chimp. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Two-year-old person, you beat the fuck out of a two-year-old. Every two-year-old on Earth doesn't stand a chance. Because we're so slow. Yeah. I used to do a bit of how if a fucking squirrel ran up your arm and started eating your ear, like, how far

that thing would get before you even just grabbed its tail. Yeah. Like, you wouldn't even know what to do. Like, everything, snakes, just lightning ear. Like how far that thing would get before you even just grabbed its tail. Yeah. Like you wouldn't even know what to do. Like everything, snakes just lightning quick. Like how fucking, like the fastest hands in boxing is nothing. Compared to reptilian speed. Yeah. Yeah.

They're fucking strong. They don't have any fat either. There's a theory because of that. It's called the aquatic ape theory. They think that people evolved around water. And that's one of the reasons why you throw a baby in the water they close their mouth and they hold their breath immediately and they can actually kind of float they float up to the top I don't know who's trying I've only watched videos pictured people in lab coats just grabbing babies by like the back of their pants and just throw them that's pool. See, that's what I'm talking about right there.

Look at that. But if you throw a chimp in the water, they drown. If you throw like a baby chimp in the water, they just start breathing water. They don't know what the fuck to do. But babies instinctively hold their breath. All right. Baby humans. Did you see that video of those chimps fucking with like that otter or some shit?

It's one of those overseas zoos where they just stick animals together that fight because they don't give a fuck. I don't know why. Definitely there's no way with PETA and shit. It's one of those overseas zoos where they just stick animals together that fight because they don't give a fuck. I don't know why. Definitely, there's no way with PETA and shit you could do that in this country with some sort of fucking otter or some shit. They do that in China.

They'll put like a bear in with a lion. Yeah. And then watch it as they eat some fucking yak gonad because they think it makes a dick hard. That was very stereotypical. So, this fucking otter, whatever the fuck it was, sea lion, I don't even know what it was. They kept slapping the fucking thing.

Like that thing was slapping your back. And what ended up happening is they got a hold of one of them. And they just fucking dragged it. And the monkeys were flipping out and they couldn't save it. Dragged it into the fucking water and they drowned it. The otter? Yeah, whatever the fuck it was. A a seal or something it was something like that uh dragged the chimp into the water and drown it bit it and fucking whoa dragged the fucking thing in there

and the fucking monkeys were flipping out and i on such a sadistic level enjoyed that video like yeah you fuckers because i don't like bullies i just felt like they were bullying whatever the fuck was in the water. This is going to torture your listeners because I can't remember what animal it was. Because like I said, I was probably doing 20 different things at once and I watched that. I don't know. If you go on there, monkey versus something, eventually you ought to get to it. Was it a chimp or a monkey?

Oh. No, it wasn't a chimp. It wasn't big enough. So it was smaller. If it was, it was a baby one. I monkey? Oh. No, it wasn't a chimp. It wasn't big enough. So it was smaller. If it was, it was a baby one, like a, I don't know, smaller chimp. It was small enough that this little brown thing could drag it in the water. That's the best you're going to get out of me. I would be the worst witness in a bank robbery.

They had legs, and they were yelling a lot. Pretty sure they were people. Yeah. And I think they got what they wanted because they left. Does that help you guys out? There's a lot of those fucking videos out there, too. If you go bear versus or chimp versus or tiger versus. Oh, I watch them all the time.

I watch slap fights. You know what's the funniest thing I've ever- Slap fights? What's slap fights? Just people, it always ends up in a real fight or somebody gets knocked out. It's just I stand with my hands behind my back, you go first, and you just wind up and slap me in the face. What?

And then it's my turn. Whoever quits first. So there's always that one guy who slaps with this meaty part here and catches you on the jaw, and then the person gets knocked out you know one of my favorite things is is the people when they scream world star like at this point they're so excited that they're finally part of it that they filmed another human being getting knocked out like the level they're like world star like this fucking goes through the i'm sorry to you listen i probably just blew out their ears. How fucking high up and bitchy their voice goes

and they scream it like 20 fucking times. It's amazing that one site became the spot where you would go watch people get their asses kicked. Because they have the most epic fucking knock. It's just not like... You know what it is with them? They had a standard. You couldn't just get knocked out.

You had like the base level is knocked the fuck out all the way up to like i guess you know is that guy dead i mean it's fucking insane there's some brutal ones yeah there are there are without a doubt like i have a certain like my thing is i like if two people are squaring off they go at it and one person gets knocked out and after they're knocked out that's it i don't i can watch those but like you know when the person's on the ground and then they catch like another two three or they, and after they're knocked out, that's it. I can watch those. But, like, you know, when the person's on the ground, and then they catch, like, another two, three. Or they kick them when they're down. There's a horrible video of this one guy who was drunk, and he was mouthing off to all these people. And one guy stepped up to him and knocked him out.

And after he knocked him out, while he was laying on his back, people came over. They pulled his pants down. People started kicking him in the face while he was unconscious. And then he was, like, making these horrible moaning noises. And guys would just run up and punt him in the face. Not just one. Like, many, many people did it. Did he die?

I don't know. He could have easily died. He could have easily died. No, there was that kid. Knocked out that kid. The kid was getting bullied by the other kid. And he knocked him out. And he was, like, I don't know, in the area where the kid hit the classic thing.

He hit his back of his head, and he went into a coma, and he died. That happened with a guy that Kevin James worked with. Kevin James worked as a bouncer in Long Island. And one of the guys he worked with got in a fight with a drunk, KO'd him, knocked him out. The guy fell back, hit his head on a curb, dead. And the guy wound up doing time. I mean, he was just stupid fucking you know ten dollar an hour job as a bouncer and maybe maybe shouldn't have hit the guy maybe i don't

know i don't know what happened i don't know what the circumstances was i can't picture kevin james as a bouncer he's such a sweetheart of a guy he can fight i know he can fight yeah he's a he's a tough guy i mean you don't you don't think that looking at him but kevin james hits hard no no i wasn't saying that i'm just saying he's such like a nice guy he's a nice guy. I mean, you don't think that looking at him, but Kevin James hits hard. No, no, I wasn't saying that. I'm just saying he's such a nice guy. He's a nice guy, but he's got to switch. Like, if people pissed him off, you don't want to be. He's a fucking gorilla, that guy.

Because he looks, he's this sweetheart, and he does all this physical comedy and laughing and joking around. But he's like- No, I opened with him a long time ago. 5'10", 250. He was a great guy. Like, certain people become like bouncers. Yeah.

You know what I mean? They want to fight. And they like, I had a couple of buddies of mine from high school. And on a slow night, they would just walk up to somebody and just say, you got to go. Well, you got to go. And they would just escort them just because it was funny to them. So they pretend to be a bouncer?

no no no no they were bouncers but if it was a slow night they would just pick some nerdy guy and just say listen you gotta go and just watch the guy and then every once in a while they'd get somebody that would get upset and would start fighting them and then they would beat the shit out of them and I just would just be like

that doesn't sound like a good time to me I saw a guy one time in Boston right he got into this fucking fight and they the fucking bouncers came in and grabbed him and i remember they just picked him up by his fucking neck two guys and just started running with him it was the worst secure because it was all these people that had to scamper to get out of the way. And they're running with this guy. Like, I swear to God, the guy's head was like nine feet in the air. And he was up there like going, all right, all right, all right, all right, screaming all right as they're running across.

And all the dance floor is parting. And they got to the fucking door where they were going to go out. And the door was a typical, was only like eight feet high. So, like, his shoulders and head were above it. And they were running like a 440 and just boom he folded in half and then they just threw him out into the street and i remember even back then just going like that was so fucking overly excessive and if i was running this club i would be like dude do you realize that you almost just ran over 80 innocent people? I mean, at this point, dude, I'm 47. So, like, my idea of the way young people think is from fucking 25 years ago.

So, like, my idea of what a bouncer is. And to me, they were just guys who used to beat the shit out of people in school and now just wanted to do it for a living, you know? Yeah, there's definitely that. I think Kevin got the job, though, because his kung fu instructor, you know, in school and now just wanted to do it for a living, you know? Yeah, there's definitely that. I think Kevin got the job, though, because his kung fu instructor, Kevin used to be really into martial arts, and his kung fu instructor worked there, and he got him a job.

It was just, like, a thing that he needed. I think he quit when all this was going on. When I was 19, I worked as a, not a bouncer, but I guess like a security person at this place called Great Woods. You know where Great Woods is in Mansfield. I saw Eddie Murphy on the Raw tour. Did you really? I saw Rodney Dangerfield right after back to school when he got big again. I was probably working there. When you saw Rodney Dangerfield, I was probably working backstage.

Because that was when Rodney was wearing a bathrobe. Was it those days? That's when his hair was like yellow, almost orange. Did he have the bathrobe on? No, I think he came out in a tux. I can't remember. I remember Eddie came out in a blue suit, but go ahead. I saw Bill Cosby there, too.

Bill Cosby was there. I saw Kennison there, like right after his first special. That was interesting because Kennison did his hbo special so hbo special was fucking giant right he was the biggest but then he had to write a whole new hour and he didn't have a whole new hour and it was kind of obvious like you could see like there's a lot of filler and i remember thinking like wow this is interesting like i hadn't even thought

about doing stand-up yet because it's like 1986 but i remember seeing him i was going whoa like this guy doesn't even have the he doesn't have have like the jokes. Like Carl LeBeau would go on before him. And there was a couple other guys too, I think. But, and Carl had a pretty good act, you know, but Carl's act is, his act was, it might not have been as good as Kinison's was back in the day, like, you know, during the HBO special time, but it was tight. Like you can tell his punchlines were solid. He knew where he was going with it. But with Kennison, you could tell that he was like kind of filling time, you know,

it wasn't, it wasn't, wasn't there anymore, you know, because he had worked for probably 10 plus years on that one hour. I never saw a guy like so adversely affected by fame, maybe because I was such a fan of his just watching. Like he kind of was every cliche. And what kills me is

right when he died was he was getting sober and he was going to turn it around I thought. No, he died with coke in his system. Like I said, I mean, you know, the guy. He had coke in his system when he died. His autopsy revealed that he had done coke. I think, and he died,

the ironic thing, he was killed by a drunk driver because he used to do that bit. We're going to drink. We're going to drive. We're going to pull it off. You know why? Because we do it every fucking night. Yeah.

That was like one of his things. That was one of his filler bits. You know, after it just the first shit was so good. Like the homosexual necrophiliacs and the fucking starving kids in africa oh there's a clip of him early on on uh youtube where he doesn't have control of the yelling yet so it's really just like you know because like he learned by the time of the hbo special he knew how to bring it really down right yeah it's not to come and then just fucking launch it and then go back to being quiet again there's a great one where you're watching

him, the clip that you see, it's before he quite has it figured out and he's just way more yelling than he needs to do. But I get chills when I watch the video because I just like, this guy is like, like knows he's on to something. And he has like

sunglasses on on stage. He's got like driving gloves. It's before the trench coat and all that. Oh, I've seen that video. He has a comb over. Yeah, yeah. He had a brutal comb over. Thank God he went to the hat. Yeah.

That was a brutal. The beret. Remember the beret? The beret, yeah. And in the end, he switched from the beret to like these rock and roll poison style bandanas. Remember? He had those crazy bandanas and they would get long long, and his hair was long, and the whole thing.

And he got really fat. He got big. He got so fat. No, he just, every indulgence, he just, I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, he's one of those guys that probably, you know, his autobiography would be like 12 books. Yeah. His biography is good.

It's called Brother Bill. It's by his, or his brother Bill wrote it. It's called Brother Bill. His brother Bill wrote it. It's called Brother Sam, My Brother Sam. Oh, I've got to read that. It's really good. Because it talks about how he had a head injury, like a bad head injury. He was hit by a car when he was a little kid, and it changed him totally. It's one of the things that happens to people that have head injuries.

Sometimes they get crazy impulsive and they lose they lose like whatever personality they used to have comics are insane yeah completely fucking insane yeah completely people but he um he got hit by a car got all fucked up and when he got out of it when he healed up he was just this fucking maniac just didn't give a shit it was like the devil entered him or something like that it was just a wild man just was it had no impulse control just was going crazy and it was also when he was trying to be a preacher too so like it sort of fueled his preaching yeah man it's really good it's a really good book because uh his brother bill is uh very honest in it and he even talks about sam just sam stopped writing he was just partying all the time he wasn't coming up a new material and he talked about how sam before he made it was just this

machine it's just like he was partying a lot but he was also working on his act and it was important to him and you know and then oh yeah the difference between his first and second letterman you can already see the fame thing coming in his first letterman is just fucking it's unbelievable it's unbelievable the rodney dangerfield one though when he was on the rodney dangerfield special coming in. His first letterman is just fucking, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. The Rodney Dangerfield one, though, when he was on the Rodney Dangerfield special, that was it.

That was it. That was just boom. You know, the owner of Dangerfield, Tony, told me one night that, you know, how they used to just let Sam

do whatever he wanted, but it was just fucking crazy. One night he went on stage. This probably isn't funny now because of all the shit that's happened in the world, but he was standing there with this trench he went on stage this probably isn't funny now because of all the shit that's happening in the world but he was staying there with this trench coat in front of this late night crowd right probably a half full danger field you know and he's just sitting there when he had his hands in his pockets he just he just came on stage right

and he's going look at you people you guys just sitting there drinking you know you guys on a date you're having a good time you're just sitting there how, you know, you guys on a date. You're having a good time. You just Sitting there How do you guys know? What I have under this coat How do you not know that I don't have to 12 gauges under this fucking coat I? Could just bring him up and just fucking blow all your brains out and he didn't let up He just kept going with that. And going and going. Gradually, people started getting up

and fucking walking out. And he just kept, you know, that low, evil fucking voice he would do? He just kept doing like, how do you know? How do you know? And people were just kind of fucking looking around and gradually.

And Tony was telling me, going like, yeah, he fucking walked like half the room. He goes, I was pissed because they were buying drinks or everything. But, you know'd be hey you know that's how sam was but uh you know ended up working out he ended up getting a good bit out of it or something but he used to like to me what i think is cool about that is the 80s just seemed like it was so much like uh like you know so many comics that were just because they needed a warm body were actually

getting like tv credits and to know that it just wasn't all fucking big hair and you know, what's the deal with this and what's the deal with that, that there was actually a fucking guy doing that. Taking crazy chances. Yeah. Well, that's one of those things you're just going up there.

You're sick of your fucking act. You're hating people or whatever. You just feel like doing that. But I never had the nerve to start walking the crowd. I never did that. I was like, all right, I'm supposed to do a job here.

Did you ever listen to The Day the Laughter Died? The Dice Dice special? Oh, my God, I love that. I love that album. That's great. It's a two-disc album, like a two-disc CD of him bombing at Dangerfields, unannounced, decided to film or record his comedy CD after he did Dice Rules, right? It was the first one just called

dice right first one just called dice the first one was a monster love that album the day the laughter died is him going up to a crowd of tourists they have no idea he's going to be there there's not that many people in the crowd it sounds like there's probably like 50 people in the whole fucking room and he's just ad-libbing to his ad-libbing and he doesn't give a fuck and i remember this one guy gets up and as he's leaving the guy'sbing to his ad-libbing and he doesn't give a fuck and i remember this one guy gets up and as he's leaving the guy's leaving he goes you're about as funny as a glass of milk like that's what the guy said to him as funny as that line i just remember my favorite one was when he was talking about how not to get

into a relationship remember that bit no how did he do it he was just i i not to get into a relationship. Remember that bit? No, how did he do it? He was just, I haven't listened to it in years, but he was just being like, you know, you meet some chick, you know, you like her, you take her out, you whiner, you diner, and all this shit and saying she's not going to fuck you, so you just keep taking her out until you're going to fuck her. So then as she finally lets you, you meet her parents and all that, you're banging away, and as you're banging her, you're thinking, ah, fuck, now i'm in a

relationship with this girl she thinks i like her he goes this is how you get out of it he goes you keep tagging her and right before you come you go okay sweetheart get ready for the gook something like that or here comes the gook i remember listening to that by myself, and I literally fell off the couch. It was so fucking gross. It was just so, like, I can't even describe it. It was one of my favorite fucking, now, I saw him at the Worcester Centrum. Wow. At the height of when he first, right after that New Year's eve special that he had 88 89 88 i saw him

like november 88 so it was just like uh you know everybody like the end of 87 all right happy new year see everybody or maybe it was maybe it was 89 it might have been 89 maybe his thing i remember he he had some special that came out towards the end of one of those years. I was working in a warehouse unloading trucks and shit. We were all just like, just one of those classic moments back then when there was only so many channels. We were just like, alright, see you later. Nobody said, I'm watching that dice shit. We came back Monday, everybody

had saw it. It was just weird. It felt like everybody you knew saw it. Somehow everybody fucking saw it. He became the biggest thing ever. I went and I saw it. Somehow everybody fucking saw it, right? And then he became the biggest thing ever. And I went and I saw him and there was an unknown Eddie Griffin opened. Really? Yeah.

I mean, I was thinking like, I think, believe it or not, I'm like a year older than him. He started really young. Eddie Griffin? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Eddie's not even 50. What?

That guy's like 46, 47. Google it, man. Something like that. Wow. But he opened up and people were being rude and booing. I was doing the same thing. Oh, bring on Dice. So I kind of deserved the Philly thing.

But I thought Dice would be backstage going, yeah, these guys really like us. It didn't dawn on me like, hey, maybe he's friends with Eddie and he respects his comedy, which now I know that that was the case. And I just remember Dice came out and dice came out and uh it was just it was he came out and he did like 10 nursery rhymes that we had all heard so he would do the beginning and then everyone would yell out the punch line and then he got to a certain point you'd be like oh that's good you did your homework well i too have also been working and then he just busted out like five new ones dude and it was just it was the sickest fucking thing.

That place was going crazy. There was something, some starlight, star bright, something. I just remember it ended my girlfriend's twat. I just remember the pun. Twat is such a funny fucking word. And the place, dude, I'm telling you, like murdering. Just murdering this place. I never got a chance to see him live in his peak.

I only saw him live once I started working at the store and saw him there. We went to see him live. Me and Norton and Bobby Kelly and Anthony from Opie and Anthony and Red Band went to see him live at the Riviera like a few years ago. Oh, okay. In the upstairs room, that big room upstairs. It was fucking awesome it was we were in town for the ufc i i wasn't working on friday night and they were like

dice is in town let's go let's go so we went and got a steak like gentlemen went to a nice restaurant had a great time had some wine clink glasses got on a limo went to the dice show oh it was fucking legendary that's fucking great it was so much fun but he still does like a little bit of nursery rhymes and stuff but he's he's got a bunch of new shit now but the the thing that was different about him than anybody else was that it didn't it didn't it was good that you knew the bits like you could sing them like a song like yeah you would yell them out like what's in the bowl bitch oh everybody would go crazy no he was giving you what you wanted. And then he was also still moving it forward. So it was...

Yeah, and the new ones were every bit as good as the other ones. And they were new. And then you were trying to remember them. So I remember you go to the warehouse and tell him, he's got new ones! He's got new ones! Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Isn't it crazy though? Because back then, there was no youtube

there was you had to like go see it under a membership yeah you had to go see it and all and that was another thing too when there was so few channels even then there was still like 80 channels or whatever but like there was always those things like nobody said i'm watching that danger field special right it was just all of a sudden monday everybody came in and everybody you know do you see that guy moving where the food is? Everybody knew who fucking Kinison was or everybody knew who Dice was. Eddie Murphy, Delirious. I remember when that came out. Oh, yeah.

That came out and like everybody just fucking saw it. Everybody saw it. It was a special came out back then. It made you a star. It was a different thing as today. Like an HBO special today, you don't hear shit. You know, they come out. Nobody hears anything about it.

Oh, yeah. Your mom TiVos it. She'll watch it like 30 days later. Yeah, you know, I finally sat down. I watched part of it and then I had to go. Well, they're figuring it out now with HBO Go. You know, they're making HBO on demand and stuff like that. They're figuring it out.

They're catching up to Netflix. Netflix, yeah. They are. But I found out, Kenison, because of a girl I worked with. I was working at the Boston Athletic Club. I was 19. And there's this girl I worked with. I was working at the Boston Athletic Club. I was 19. And there's this girl I worked with. She was fucking hilarious.

Just big Boston girl. She was like 5'11". She was hot, but she was just this fucking big brash girl. And she goes, oh, my God, there's this fucking guy named Sam Kennison. Have you heard of him? Oh, my God, he was so fucking funny. I go, what did he do? She goes, come here. She goes out into the parking lot and she does the homosexual necrophiliac

bit for me in the parking lot. She's lying on her stomach. Oh my God. You mean life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead? Oh, it never ends. It never ends is the greatest line ever. And I remember thinking like, try it, like laughing at this girl who wasn't a comic. She was a fucking fitness trainer telling me about this guy, and then I had to go see him. And then I think I got it on VHS tape, if I remember correctly, the first time I saw it, his HBO special. And I was like, whoa, this was a game changer.

He was the first guy that made me think that maybe I could do comedy because before I would see like Seinfeld me think that maybe I could do comedy because before I would see like Seinfeld or I would see like uh you know someone who was like like just a evening at the improv type guy with the rolled up sleeves and did you ever notice and I'm like that's not me I'm just I'm too fucked up my sense of humor is too fucked up I'm too fucked up right then I saw Kinnison I went oh that's comedy too oh comedy doesn't just just has to be funny like maybe I could doison and I went, oh, that's comedy too. Oh, comedy doesn't, it just has to be funny. Like, maybe I could do it. Maybe I could do it.

He was, he was, I liked all of those guys. I liked, I liked Seinfeld, Dice, Kinison. I liked Carly, he was one of the Carly ones. I liked all of those guys. Like, basically, if you were funny, you know, I totally, I got into all of that shit but what made me think I could do comedy was actually those VH1 stand up spotlights

towards the end towards the end when they'd go and guys were doing like their fifth one just scraping the bottom of the barrel and I remember

this guy I worked with we used to before we'd go out we'd drink beers in his room. You know, I'd go over to his house. Hey, you know, Mrs. Whatever. And we'd fucking go in his room, you know, to save money before we'd go out and try to hit on chicks. We'd fucking, we'd drink like a six pack or something.

So he was in the stand up the way I was and we'd fucking watch it. That's so fucked up. We would get legally drunk and then get in the car to go drive. This was like the late 80s and 90s, just what you did. Did they have breathalyzers back then? Yeah, they just were,

that came out somewhere like the late 80s or something like that. Something like that. But I had the total fucking classic, you know, Boston upbringing

where it ended with a fucking dui and all of that shit did you get a dui yeah it's been a fucking couple hours in jail my dad came down and got me out does that fuck with you now if you try to get into canada no because it doesn't officially show up on your record until you get the second one that's how it worked in my the state i was in and then uh the one, then it says you got two. But what it would fuck with is my pilot's license. Like, if you get a DUI, you're done. Oh.

It's over. Really? Yeah, you're done. Yeah, dude. I'm sober now, guys. Can I take this thing up? Yeah. Land and plow into somebody's fucking house?

No, you can't do it. But now you can get a pilot's license. You can now, even though you have a DUI. Yeah, wait, but I mean, it's not officially on my record yeah so if you had the second one if i just got one i think once you're a licensed pilot if you just get one you just they just take it away it's gone yeah yeah that makes sense yeah that's a fucked up thing to do when you're drunk didn't like patrick swayze do that and he crashes playing drunk and then fucking run didn't he do that like towards the end I'm pretty sure I mean

if there's ever a time to leave a scene well I think he was I think it was when he had cancer I think like when he had cancer he just said well fuck it let's just let's just burn this baby down to the core I think he decided to just go out guns blazing

he did he didn't quit smoking or he really went out like uh you know i can't i didn't see all the things he did but he wouldn't stop smoking he's like i don't give a shit yeah i think he just decided to just burn it out just ride that bitch right into the rocks just take that which is his right yeah i think you know that's how he wants to go well if you don't do that you die eventually anyway right you know why not end the game when you want to end it

I don't know that's fucking hardcore that's a hardcore thing to get a fatal fucking diagnosis and just be like alright yeah

guess we're drinking it's hard to imagine that you wouldn't just try to clean your life up try to soak some more life out start eating kale and doing yoga and

going on a juice cleanse but the phoniness of it you'd probably be like this isn't me i'm just doing this because of well this shit he liked smoking he liked drinking you know christopher hitchens i mean he died the same way i mean i don't think he tried to clean himself up you know who that is? I know the name. Famous intellectual, very famous atheist. Oh, that's why I don't know. Brutal.

Brutally honest and articulate gentleman. Wrote some great books. He also had that very funny. A socialite. He read that Vanity Fair article, Women Aren't Funny. And then backed it up with a video explaining why article women aren't funny and then uh backed it up with a video explaining why the women that are funny are all butchy they're all like men because women don't need that sort of that that sort of skill in order to attract men all they

have to do is be nice and we like them but men need that it's it's pretty interesting because it got a lot of people pissed off oh i remember that yeah remember that yeah yeah he's like one of the four horsemen of atheism. He's like one of the more famous of the atheists with Dawkins and Sam Harris. He seems like that guy is like one of those guys that gets a feather in your cap if he goes to your party. Oh, yeah, for sure. Socialites. I was always fascinated by that.

Like you could make a living doing it. Oh, it's a socialite. Yeah, he's just really great at parties. So you just invite them and they... Well, do you know anybody that's an artist that's involved in like the art scene where they have like art galleries and people go to galleries and you have to like become friendly and

hobnob in these social circles with people that buy art? Yeah, I don't know. I fucking hate that shit. I can't even tell you how much I hate museums. If it's a car museum or if it's got some tanks and shit in it. I'm like a little kid. If it's a car museum, or if it's got some tanks and shit in it. I'm like a little kid. If it's stuff like that, I like it.

But I don't want to look at a bunch of old plates. Oh, worse. You should go to the L.A. County Museum of Art. LACMA, I think it's called. It's the fucking worst. It is the fucking worst. They have a box, a plexiglass box, an empty box on the ground. And that's a piece of art. It's roped off. You can't it you can't touch it and i go what is that is that the art that's the

art yeah i go what is it well it's supposed to represent space it's the artist's representation of the spaces encapsuled and you just sort of with your own imagination you decide what's in it you don't imagine imagination you create it because he's not going to yeah it's shit there's one one giant wall of videos and the videos it's like a guy throwing a basketball to another guy and then another one there's a guy who pulls a chair out of a away from a desk and sits down and then another one a guy plops down on a couch it's just nothing it's just people doing shit but it's all in like a bunch of different videos that are spliced together on a big wall And like this is art. This is art. Oh and those big fucking canvases where they didn't draw anything They just scribbled all over the place shit on it. Just put paint on their chest and rolled around on it

And it's just like yeah, man. It's so bad. Yeah, I don't get any of that like what does that say to you? What does it say? It's like I don't know that looks like the shit I used to draw when I was five years old. My mother would put it on a refrigerator. You know when you didn't know how to draw anything? You'd just take every marker and zigzag with it. You know Bob Gersh's? The guy who owns the Gersh Agency?

I went to a party at his house. He's got a house in Aspen, Colorado. Rich ski town. Beautiful house. I mean town, beautiful house. Fucking staggering house. He had this piece on the wall. I literally said, is this something his kid made? Because it was framed.

That's awesome. They go, no, no, this is a Flutio Flor. They go, that's like $25,000. I go, you've got to be fucking kidding me. This cost $25,000 or whatever it've got to be fucking shitting me this cost $25,000 or whatever it cost it was so stupid looking it was like a bunch of

pieces of paper that were crumpled up and painted different colors and they were glued on to a piece of paper it's bullshit it's fucking bullshit it's total bullshit but why do people buy into it what is it? because what makes that art and the

difference between of a kid because a kid can't sit here and draw you how you sit right okay but those guys can and they choose not to that's that's that's what's in the brochure as to why that's the brochure as far as like their philosophy right like they're bored man with they don't want to fucking draw faces anymore yeah so they want to fucking do some abstract shit it's like all right but you got to kind of keep the face there you want to drive like draw like some funhouse mirror looking face that's fine but if you just want to take every color in your crayon box and just start scribbling around i mean more if you can get some asshole to pay 25 grand for that, all right. Good for you.

Good for you, you know? Well, how does one guy like that get super famous? Like Jackson Pollock. He's a perfect example. I didn't even watch the movie. It was an interesting movie. And I love Ed Harris, but I didn't even see them. I don't know anything about the guy.

But I just don't give a... So he takes a paintbrush and then splatters. Yeah. It's shit. It's dog shit. But they sell for like a million bucks like a an original pollock is worth a fuckload of money you know why i think when you have shit like that it makes people think that you're intelligent yeah like your culture yeah the colors man it's like a it's like a warm kind of thing but

i don't get it i don't get it but I don't get it. But I do get it when people collect cars. Like I went to Jay Leno's place. Have you been to Jay Leno's place? I'll take you. You want to go?

Yes. It's the craziest shit ever. He has 11 buildings. What kind of pie does he like? Whatever you want. I bet he likes pumpkin. The pumpkin smells wonderful.

He's got 11 buildings filled with cars. That I totally get. Like if you're going to spend buildings filled with cars. That I totally get. Like, if you're going to spend your money on shit, that I totally get. Yeah, he could, like, have his own traffic jam on the 405. He could have. I mean, it's legitimately better than any car museum I've ever seen in my life. I've been to the, what's the big one off of, is it off La Brea?

Peterson. Is it the Peterson? Yeah. I've been to the Peterson. It's very nice. It can't fuck with Jay Leno. Jay Leno's got way more space. You know who has a sick car collection?

Ralph Lauren. Does he? Unbelievable. Like, they were doing a thing one time. They were having this debate, are cars art? So the whole thing was they were taking Ralph Lauren's, or how the fuck do you say his name? Is it Lauren? Lauren.

Lauren. Ralph Lauren. We. Ralph Lauren. Ralph Lorraine. We. Ralph Lorraine. He's probably fucking Italian. They fucking were trying to figure out how to get his cars into this museum. It was one of those museums in New York. Can we get up to the second floor?

So half the documentary was about, you know, just the physical endeavor, the physics involved, of the crane they had to create to get these fucking cars into this museum without damaging other pieces, without ruining the integrity of the structure and all that shit. But in the process, they were showing his fucking cars

and did a brief interview on him on how he comes, you know, how he gets ideas for his clothing line off of, like, the lines of, like, these... Dude, he had all, like, it was all, like, Ferraris, Lamborghinis. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Like whatever the fuck that is. I mean, it's just like old... I think that's an old Jaguar. I think. But I don't know what it is in the back. Dude, what is that on the back, right? What is it? It's the whole website for it.

RalphLaurenneCarCollection.com. All right. So flip through a couple, if you don't mind. No, please do. Whoa. What the fuck is that? Yeah, it's all like... A Bugatti.

That's a Bugatti. 1938. 1938. And it's all like... A Bugatti. That's a Bugatti. 1938, and it's all like... Wow. Pristine. Look at that Bentley. 1929 Bentley. God.

Whoa. Wait till you get to his newer shit. Look at that Mercedes. Hold on. Back up to that Mercedes. Look at that thing. 19... Whoa.

Look at that. That's amazing. 1930 Count... Count Trosi. Oh, that's amazing 1930 count count Trossi oh that's the sound of the engine yeah oh you click on it

you get the sound of the engine this is why their tanks were better than ours look how pretty that is our shit in 1930s was like oh god

oh god that's the exact sound whoa look at that thing an Alfa Romeo from 31. That's fucking beautiful.

No, and the whole thing, it's all mint condition, too. Like, if they have, like, you know, those old leather straps that held down the hoods. Oh, yeah. There's not even, like, a piece of thread hanging out of it. Look at this fucking 55 Mercedes. Yeah, those are worth, like, baby boomers pay, like, over a million dollars for those. The gullwing. Leno's got one of those.

Oh, he's got everything. I've watched almost every video on that Jay Leno's garage. It's amazing. His fucking garage is amazing. No, because he's got the sickest cars and he knows about them and he brings people in. He had like Carroll Shelby in there and the rest is soul. Yeah, he's got everything. Jay Leno's got several cars that are worth more than a million dollars.

And he keeps them at the airport, at the Burbank airport, because Homeland Security guards the airport. And he's like, if the alarm goes off, they fucking move in with tanks. Like, they don't fuck around. That's amazing. Look at that Ferrari. Click on that Ferrari you just had right to the right of that. Right to the right of that. Look at that.

God, look at that fucking thing. 1962 GTO. Yeah, there's one of those. I read this book one time called The Limit. The Limit. And it was about the first American Formula One racer that won the Formula One championship. And they were just talking all the shit that Ferrari would do. Like, if you had, like, for some reason, like, if you're going to race in the race, they had to make a certain amount of the cars available to the public too.

They wouldn't be hopped up. So what they did was they were required to make 100 of this one car. In classic Italian, what they did was they just started numbering them at like 63, and they only made like 37 of them. Now the car is like super, super rare. They just acted like that they made 100 of them because they didn't come down and check it

out they're like yeah there's 67 there's 83 there's number 100 over there alright see you later no one ever said where's number 1 through fucking 50 or whatever they started number like they knocked off like 40 some cars but uh the book the limit's unreal like just as far as the

fatalities dude these guys would be coming flying by and like the crowd be standing on the side of the road behind a rope and someone would get hit and they just go into the crowd just kill people oh look up that count von crash or something like that they have his fatal accident on the fuck on youtube he just goes into the crowd with his car takes out a whole row of people he's still alive and he ricochets back out onto the track, gets T-boned, and then I think ejected from the car. I'm not sure. But the American guy, when he got his first Ferrari.

Oh, here you go. Watch this. Look at this. Look how old this is. Oh, my God. Right to the crowd. And he gets killed. Oh, my God.

Yeah. Watch this slow motion. Oh, this is from the spectator's point of view. Oh, my God. Yeah, somebody who my god that person died jesus christ well those cars they're so primitive in the way they can handle and the way they moved and broke like when you when you lost i think that's him flying out on the left that might be him getting thrown from the car dude they got another one they got oh dude they got some sick is that him laying there oh fuck

dude there's some sick ones there was like this one guy went to a spin and his fucking hood came off and like went to the crowd like a Chinese star and just like decapitated

a whole row of people like shit like that happened did you ever see Le Mans the Steve McQueen Steve McQueen movie there he is you saw him laying in the road

these are all the spectators and shit all the people that got killed Did you ever see Le Mans? The Steve McQueen movie? There he is. You saw him laying in the road. These are all the spectators and shit. All the people that got killed. Yep. That's horrific. Look at that guy's limp arm hanging under the stretcher. Yeah. So anyway, so the American guy, when he first gets the car,

the last driver had just died in it, and there was a fucking hole drilled through the floor pan because the guy got decapitated and like bled out in the car so they just drilled a hole in the bottom of it and drained it out and you talk about primitive you'd think that at least weld that over because you wouldn't want the air to get in it for like that extra hundredth of a second but they just that's how he got the car whoa that's a fucking sick book dude they drained it through a hole in the floor well there was so much blood in there you know jesus christ book's called the limit i gotta get it did you see steve mcqueen that movie lamont have you seen that long long time ago it was like the eight o'clock movie good fucking movie they don't even talk for like the first 10 minutes of the

movie it's amazing they go through all these things people do things they're just doing stuff setting things up nobody talks it's amazing it's like those old movies were just so different so different what they could get away with like the attention span that people had yeah you know like bullet i saw bullet recently too it's another one it's like long scenes where no one's talking like there's a whole chase scene where steve mcqueen is running after this guy in the airport no one's talking yep just one thing after another thing and it's just it's kind of realistic it's just it feels different feels different than what you're watching today i like that old shit although i'm trying to get into new shit i'm sick of being the guy that likes old shit because

it's such a pain in the ass to keep it going i got also i got old drum kits. I got an old truck. I bought this old lighter. I had to send it to some guy from Michigan. The old stuff, there's something about it that you just can't recreate. New things are cool, like a Tesla. Those are cool. They're cool to drive. They're cool.

It's new. But that 1968 truck you have, there's something about that, too. Oh, it's cool. But you know what it is? You know what sucks is when somebody fucking you know you just how much i have to slow down just to go around a turn i just feel like the suspension is so primitive on it like i feel like it's gonna it's gonna tip over so would you consider putting a modern suspension on it or would you want to keep it original um i for the longest time wanted because it because when I got it, it was all original.

Three on the tree, drum brakes all the way around, the original radiator, the whole fucking thing. So since then, I put an aluminum radiator in because those old ones ran a little hot. Titus showed me how to do the front. He basically did the brakes, but I did one side. He was just telling me what to do. You did it yourself, really? Discs on the front, yeah. Titus is a fucking nut with that shit.

He loves it. Yeah, yeah, I know. He is a fucking nut with that shit. He loves it. Yeah, yeah, I know. He's born to do it, man. He's just fucking great at it. But then... So you changed the brakes. Changed that. You changed the radiator. Yeah, but then what happened too

was I needed leaded gas and it was a fucking pain in the ass and somebody had put too much unleaded and I put a little unleaded in there and what ended up happening was the valves got a little gunked up and uh i ended up cooking the valve so i just said fuck it and we rebuilt the whole thing i said we i sent it to a guy he rebuilt the thing from the crankshaft all the way up to the carburetor and uh they came with the auto light two barrel i now

have a holly four barrel on it which is cool because the barrels are actually smaller so when i'm just cruising around i get better gas mileage but if i step on it i get that extra that yeah yeah yeah that sound you get from a four barrel yeah so it's um i love i i like fast and loud's one of my favorite fucking shows i watch all i watch all of those shows we were talking about so many of those shows are trying to be fast and loud yeah so it's just like i just wish that they would you know because you know it's a television they're like all right this is the formula we got to have this guy yeah we got the richard rawlins guy and then we got to have the you know it's just i i wish they would just be themselves and like you know everybody builds different types of stuff

but like you're looking at it like an artist they're looking at like they're just trying to make widgets yeah yeah they're like well these widgets are selling if you make them orange and this size. Like, I was devastated when that paint guy, KC, left. I was like, fuck! KC left? Yeah. Shit. Are you making fun of me?

No, he left, but he did, he, when they let him, when they let him, when they let him do his fucking thing, he did a lace top one time that was the shit. He did another one, and they were making a low rider. When they would let him rather than be like, paint it green, paint it black. I really wish that he had done more. They'd let him do more two-tone shit and stuff. I like it. That's funny to you?

It's funny because you get upset at your wife watching Bravo. When you're watching this guy, I would appreciate it if he did more of it. He's a fucking artist. He's not some fucking whore walking around making a porno. How dare you? You know what? If I had someplace to go, I'd walk out on this podcast right now. Please don't.

I just turned my phone on because I want to show you this. I bought this thing because I'm also a fan of old movies. So, Humphrey Bogart's one of my favorites. And I was watching this thing on the Maltese Falcon. And he's got this thing, this cool thing in the beginning when he goes to light the fucking cigarette. Yeah. I thought it was a match he stuck in there. And I thought it struck it.

But it's actually a metal wand with a little bit of flint or something on the end of it it's called a ronson touch tip lighter and i actually i bought one and found a guy in michigan that rebuilds the whole things for you really yeah i gotta this thing's foolish jimmy pull that shit up ronson touch tip lighter yeah oh here it goes yeah yeah alright now watch when he watch just say Humphrey Bogart Maltese Falcon

I guess lighting his oh that's it right there yeah watch this thing huh how fucking cool is that I just saw that I was like what is that thing I gotta get one

do you use that to light cigars I have it more just as a showpiece. Every once in a while, I get a real cigar smoker comes over. I'll be like, all right, you want to see something cool? And I'll actually break it out. The real cigar guys, though, they want to use a lighter. They want to use a match that's a wood match. And then they want to light a piece of cedar. Yeah. And then they light. So none of the chemicals enter the end of it. They get really crazy with it. Absolutely they do.

Yeah. I have a locker with my business manager at one of those fancy, fancy places. Yes, I do. I've had one for 10 years. I've got the same Cuban cigars in there for 10 years. Anytime you want to go, let me know. All right, here we go. The Havana room.

Here it is. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll we go. The Havana room. Here it is. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll definitely go. Let's go. So here it is. Oh, wow. That is pretty slick.

How cool is that? Now, does it put any flavor on the cigar? No. No? Not that I could tell, but I'm not the greatest when it comes to that shit. Right. I like it. So, oh, no.

If you find a real cigar smoker, they think it's the shit. They have all these different ones out there. I got some cigars here where they're dried out. They're from that Michael Dowd guy who's from that documentary, The 7-5. We just left him here. We didn't put him in a humidor. But you know what that documentary is? DePaulo turned me on to it.

It's a crazy documentary about police corruption in, like, the 1980s in New York. Like, during the crack epidemic. And these guys are just fucking out of control, just completely out of control. It's a crazy documentary. But the one guy that- Keeping all the money and shit? Oh, not just that.

Just robbing people, being involved in drug deals, and just fucking insanity. But one of the guys, Michael Dowd, just got out of jail a few years ago, and they put together this documentary. And, you know, now he does podcasts and shit. And he came on and hung out with us. When you go to jail for some serious shit, when you get out, there's like two jobs you can get.

It's either you can get into sales. You can like sell cars. They don't give a fuck. Or you get into entertainment. Or you go back to crime. Yeah. But, dude, you could literally come out from a double murder.

For some reason, they let you out. You could just go sign up for a fucking open mic. And it's like, there's no background check. You're in show business. It's true. Yeah, I've never heard of anybody coming out of jail for murder and going into comedy. Have you?

But you could. Well, there was that one guy who I don't know his fucking name. I want to say he was on the fuck show was he on? I remember him being on Letterman. They were talking about he got into a fight and he killed somebody and went to jail. And then he got out and was

shit. Don King. Don King. Don King killed two people I know he beat somebody to death Yeah, one of them I think he was acquitted for One of them I think they decided it was like self-defense and then the other one was a manslaughter charge He beat some guy to death that owed him money

like when he was a loan shark I think he stomped him to death I interviewed him I interviewed him for the UFCfc he was straight i don't even know if it ever got anywhere i don't know if the ufc ever did anything with it because i never saw it but it was a crazy interview man he just doesn't answer questions like you go okay so what was it like you know blah blah blah he'll go only an american can a man of my fortitude and magnitude and come laudy come down from what we're dealing with today

is equality between the races and the sexes and women today, they're suppressed. I'm a feminist. He's got this crazy thing. He's covered with flags and he's dripping with diamonds. I go, I mean, like covered with

jewelry. You ever see Tyson's one man show? Yes. It's amazing. How Grazer keeps calling Don King, that piece of shit. He owes me $100 million. He sounded like a comic talking about club owners. That fucking piece of shit. He fucked me on this gig. You know, you never forget either. Does he owe him $100 million?

Is that what he owes him? Something like that? I mean, who knows? Yeah. Who knows? But I asked him, like, what's with all the gold? It's not gold, like platinum or white gold. He's just covered in diamonds.

Just got, like, literally, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars in diamonds on him. And he's like, that's for the ladies. The ladies love it. They love diamonds. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. He's just got an anecdote and a, you know, a saying for every single thing. He's just prepared and ready to go. But you never get to the real guy.

You know, you just get the show like da-da-da-da-da. But you don't ever get to the real guy. That's old school. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's old school.

Well, he's as old school as it gets. He's as old school as it gets. Hey, kills people. Yeah, we did. There you go. He's a fucking loan shark. Well, there you go.

I want to talk to you about Madison Square Garden. You did Madison Square Garden. What the fuck was that like? Oh, it was amazing. It was that like? It was amazing. It was fucking awesome. It's crazy. I got my money's worth because I rented a drum kit and some amps,

and me and my friends came in, guys from the goddamn Comedy Jam. We came in, and Ben Bailey, which was hilarious because me and Ben had been trying to get together to play for fucking ever, and I finally like, hey, I'm in New York. You want to come and play? Who's Ben Bailey? Ben Bailey, Cash Cab. Cash Cab guy guy you don't want to stand up comedian no no new york guy well i mean he never lived out here so um what's cash cab cash cab was a tv show where like you'd think you were getting into a taxi cab and then uh you got in and all of a sudden you were

on like a game show oh really yeah and i asked him about it go did anybody ever get pissed because they were going to the airport and he'd laugh he'd go all the time dude what the fuck i don't got time for this i thought this was a real cab but he had to get like his real taxi like hack license and all that type of shit it's really interesting that that whole thing but anyway so we went in there like fucking from like 2 30 to 4 in an empty madison square garden like we just fucking played all this arena rock motleyley Crue, Guns N' Roses, and all that. Did you film it? Filmed some of it, sure.

What are you going to do with it? Ah, it's just for me, man. It's just silly shit. Oh, you got to put that on YouTube. Now, so what? So everybody can tell me I suck at my hobby? No, because it's cool. People who like you will think that's fun to watch a guy they like doing something that

they always dreamed of. I'll see if I can. I want to see it. Let me see it. I'll show you some pictures. I want to see it. Let me see it. I'll show you some pictures. I want to see it. So what is it, like 14,000 people in there? Something like that.

But what was cool, because I went in there and we played there, that it wasn't intimidating. I felt like I kind of got in there and I got the feel for the room. Oh, right, right, right. And when I went up, the lights were in my eyes, so I couldn't really see anybody. So it wasn't bad. It was weird, dude. I was oddly not nervous. And I went up and I had a great time.

After we played, I went back to... I'm showing them pictures right now. That's awesome. You have a smile on your face oh yeah oh that looks so cool so yeah i just went back to my apartment you know right after that you keep an apartment in new york yeah do you how often do you well i bought a place back there a long time ago and you just leave it there well i had a tenant for a while uh i was renting out to derosa and then once he left it's like i don't want to deal with having somebody else like i got the thing

paid off it makes me a local hire if i ever get acting work they don't have to put me up in a hotel although that's never fucking worked out for me i never get a kid everything's shot in like fucking new orleans now yeah i'm trying to find this there is a there is a clip here somewhere we just had we just had the best time man it was it was fucking awesome i'll play it for you when it's off the air that sounds like a fun gig it sounds like a it's one of those gigs it's like it's an iconic place to perform it's not just a regular place yeah no it's it's definitely totally lived up to the hype but i went up there there and I did 90 minutes, dude.

I did all of my jokes. And I said at one point that I didn't feel like leaving. But I did record it. I'm going to do something with the recording of it. I don't know what yet. Like an audio recording or a video? Yeah, just audio. Not the video thing.

I just, you know, little me on that giant stage, you know, with the fucking 200-foot curtain behind you. Just don't think it looks good. Did they have screens up so people could see yeah yeah they had all that so it was uh it was it was fucking awesome and uh wire to wire i had the best time derosa and versi opened up for me derosa had this fucking old lady sweater that he had on and it was it was bugging me when i was backstage and then he was just up there and nobody heckled him for it so i just went on stage the first day there was just shit on what he was wearing so it's very like you know comedy club kind of vibe and the people were just they were just in it from uh from the second i got on there and i i uh, I just woke up the next day.

There was no letdown. There was nothing. I was like, that was fucking awesome. I did every joke I wanted to do. I can't believe I got to do that. It was totally one of the most satisfying things I ever did. And then the next time I did stand-up, I was running like fucking 20 people down at the comedy store. But there wasn't like that, oh, now what?

That dumb shit. I was just like. Well, there's never that, right? No, I know what's what. Fucking write some more shit. That's the thing about comedy as opposed to, I think, music too, is that we always have to be, you always have to perform. You gotta keep banging at it. You always have to keep coming up with new stuff.

Well, the guys that stay, like, you, Chris Rock, Louie, you know, it's a handful of guys that never stop doing the clubs. I even think those guys, that once they get their following, where they just, you know, it's a handful of guys that never stopped doing the clubs. I even think those guys that once they get their following where they just, you know, work out their shit in front of their own crowd. I think that even that that makes it hurts you a little bit, because if you go down to like the comedy store, you know, as much as somebody, if they're a fan of comedy, might

know who you are, there's going to be a bunch who don't. And there's going to be people. And the energy is going to be different. They don't feel like, oh, I paid to see Joe Rogan. It's like, oh, cool, he's here. And then after they get over the five minutes, then it's like, it's a different, you know, it's more difficult. As opposed to if you're just doing your show and you're a headliner tonight. Yeah.

I did Melbourne a couple weeks ago. And Melbourne's fucking great. Yeah, it's awesome. And I did the Comics Lounge on Friday night. My theater shows were on Saturday night, but they have that comedy club in town, and we called up, let them know we're coming in, and they gave us a spot, me and Hinchcliffe,

and it was fucking great because nobody had any idea I was coming there. They weren't necessarily fans of mine, and I got just this fresh, packed crowd. And legitimate response to your material. Yeah. That's awesome. I also feel like there's something about knowing that the people aren't there to see you.

It puts you in a different state of mind. Like you're more like you tighten everything up. You polish it up a little bit. You make sure that your delivery is a little sharper because you want to make sure you let them know. You know, like that feeling that you would get when you first started, when you'd open up, you'd have to open up strong because these people are like, who is this fucking guy?

Oh, yeah. You know? Like you had to open up strong, and then once you got them, you get a couple laughs. Then they get a little confidence in you. Hey, this guy is pretty funny. And then you could kind of carry it on. So I kind of felt like that.

I kind of felt like coming out of the gate, like I had to have some good shit right away. You know, I think that's important. I think that's important to do those random things. You just show up at these places. Yeah, you get soft if you don't. Yeah. Definitely get soft. I know a lot of guys, they don't go to anywhere.

They just work out new material in the middle of their theater sets. Yeah. I don't know to anywhere. They just work out new material in the middle of their theater sets. Yeah. I don't know how they do it. Look, if I'm on a roll, I'll fucking throw something out there like anybody. But, like, I, you know, the great thing coming up in the Boston scene was you got to see at a very high level what killing is. And I just, you know, there's just a lot of guys I've run into, like, wherever they came up. I don't know what the headliners were doing there, but Boston was like, you know. Death.

Yeah. It was like, it sounded like a fucking train was coming through the room. Yeah. When Noxy would start, would get on a roll, or Gavish Sweeney and those guys, when they would get on a fucking roll. To this day, people don't know. They don't know. It's hard to go and you watch their YouTube clips and you go, I don't see it.

You had to be there in like 1989. You had to be there when the thunder was happening. Those guys were just on the top of their game. People get tired of me talking about it on this podcast. Dude, you know what was fucked up? There was almost like a height requirement too. They were all like 6'2", 6'3". All of those guys, Lenny, all of those guys are like at least six foot tall.

They were just big fucking guys foot tall they were just a big fucking guys and they were men they were like yeah they were they would punch you they would do coke you know they were yeah yeah those stories of Lenny punched somebody out one time because he stole his joke guy got off stage he broke his fucking nose and then went up and closed out the show yeah Lenny was an animal he was one of the first guys I the first guy I worked for where I opened for I opened for Warren McDonald who was

the guy who used to fucking do the open mic night. Bill McDonald? No. Who was his name? Michael. Michael McDonald? Yeah. He had the same name as the same guy with the ponytail. No. No. It wasn't him. George. George McDonald. Yes. George McDonald used to host the open mic night. His brother Warren took me

on the road with him one night. That was the first time I ever got paid. The second time I ever got paid was opening for Lenny. I was at Jay's in Pittsfield, Massachusetts. Oh, God. Did you ever work for Norm LeFoe? Did you ever do any of those gigs? Pittsfield. Is that way out? Yeah. Like Lee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's north, northwest. Yeah, kind of, yeah.

Not quite like Amherst way, but like it was fucking boondock, but it was a great gig. It was a great gig. I fucking loved that gig. That gig was so fun. I remember doing Lee Massachusetts, I think, for Jeff Apotheca. Who was that? You just call up, just back in the day, you called up Answer Machines, and the Answer

Machine would just go like, you've reached Jeff Apotheca. No, you've reached Master of Ceremonies, Jeff Apotheca, something like that. And you're like, hey, my name's Bill Burr. I got 10 clean minutes. I can do 15. You know, trying to get your spot. So he booked me in Lee, Massachusetts. I remember it was exit two off of the Mass Pike, and I went out there,

and it was the biggest fucking hell gig I ever did. It was this restaurant area and then next to it was a function where a bachelor party was going on and there was no door between their room and where I was doing comedy. So I was standing on stage and these guys started gathering from the bachelor party and just seeing this fucking redheaded jerk off the baby face bombing in front of three people eating chicken pot pie and i was looking over i was like i didn't get what was going on because i was so dumb i was just like hey guys you want to come into the show there's plenty of seats i don't know why you gotta stand over there right and i fucking looked away and then i just heard boom i turned around and somebody throw this fucking dinner roll like 90 miles an hour at me and just missed me and I looked and they were all gone

and uh then I was on the mic you know and I snapped you know as you always do when you like that I forget what the fuck I was saying a bunch of shit about them and then they started gathering at the door and then I was finishing my set and i was like these guys are gonna beat the fuck out of me and i'm looking at the owner now the owner told me before i went on stage he goes he goes yeah um well the bartender says he goes yeah this is the owner you know he also does stand-up comedy and i was like really and he goes he guy goes yeah he goes i got like two and a half hours of material i go oh yeah two and a half hours he goes yeah and after tonight i'll have about three so i thought hours he goes yeah and after tonight i'll have about three so i thought he was fucking with me so as i'm standing on stage after they throw

the fucking dinner roll and shit and they're gathered over there or whatever i'm trying to go back into my act and i look out in the crowd and i finally notice it and the owner is sitting there writing down what i'm saying on stage and And so long story short, I ended up leaving, get off stage, and I was just feeling them, like, to the side of me as I was getting paid by this guy. All I had to do was look at them, and they were going to beat the fuck out of me. It was one of those things where I had to literally just, I so wanted to just tell them to go fuck themselves.

But, I mean, I would have probably lost to one of them. I'm not the best fighter. But I was fucking enraged. And I just remember getting into my fucking 83 Ford Ranger, driving out of there, yelling at them as they were on the thing. Fuck you. You fucking. Driving out. All high pitched.

And just driving home. Screaming at my windshield as I was driving home. What the fuck? I have a fucking owner, has a fucking bachelor party, and you're writing down my material. I had a total meltdown driving home, and I had to be back at work the next day at like 7 in the morning. But what got me through it was I came home that night,

and I either called Dane or Patrice, rest his soul, and I told the story, and they were just laughing, which just brings you back down. And then they go, ah, you know, I had this gig, and this happened, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But that's probably the closest I ever came to getting into, or at least wanting to get into, forgetting that I didn't know how to fight. You know what I mean? I mean, I could do some bullshit, but there's no way I'm taking on fucking five fucking guys. But I just remember them standing there. I still remember the guy that threw the roll.

I still remember the smile on his face. He was just like almost lustfully wanting me to fucking say something so he could just fucking beat the shit out of me. And that would have been one of those Boston beatdowns where somebody fucking bites your ear off or something. Like, there was always that story. Dude, kid, I went to fucking high school, bit a guy's ear off. He was biting his ear and the guy pulled his head away. Took that away. I met another guy that another comic I knew had his fucking tip of his nose broke, bit off. Oh fuck. He got into a fight at some frat and he fucking hit this guy right in the nose and the guy's nose fucking exploded and his frat brothers grabbed him hit this guy right in the nose and the guy's nose fucking exploded his frat brothers grabbed him they wrestled to the ground and this dude he fucking did it to god

got on his chest and he goes paybacks a bitch and as they held him down he fucking bit the end of the guy's fucking nose oh my god and that kid was a rich kid so when they sued him and shit like uh it they got like just enough money to reattach the fucking the guy's nose fucking yeah that's why that's why i i those stories are always fresh in my fucking head it's why i stopped uh i mean i think like the last fight i had was at somebody's fucking playing street hockey or something so it was probably like junior high but after that everybody hit a growth spurt and that's when like blood and missing teeth started coming into fights. And I was just like, you know what? I think I'm going to stick with being funny. I didn't have that. Despite my anger, I didn't want that to happen

to me. And I didn't want to do it to somebody either. I really didn't. Well, if you saw enough of it, that stale, awful taste of violence that just sticks with you for weeks after it happens, it just shies you away from ever being involved in anything like that again. I avoided all that shit when I was a kid. Yeah, it definitely changes you. Look, if somebody's picking on you and you knock them out, I think that's fucking great. I think you'd feel good about yourself. But there's something about, like, you know, you just have friends, just their idea of a weekend

was going out, getting into fights. Yeah. Dogging? You want to go dogging this weekend? Dogging? That's what you call it? That's what they used to call it.

They do this shit with, everybody had a chain in the 80s. So all of a sudden, when shit was getting, you know, getting tense, they'd all be taking their fucking chains off and putting them in their pockets

with their big Z cabarichis. I mean, it was fucking insane. I had those. And then there'd be like those 20-on-20 fights. And some chick would always try to run in. And she'd always get fucking blasted in the face. And then everybody would fucking run. It was brutal.

It was fucking brutal. I'm not saying this was all my friends. This was just the environment. my friends this was just this was just the environment and i and i never noticed how fucked up it was until about seven years after leaving boston and really spending long periods of time away from there that i finally came back and went into a bar and just felt the vibe that that somebody's gonna get suckered vibe it's just like you just could feel and it was weird you could just feel it i was just like wow like i live in new york and new york has like this fucking crazy thing about

riding subways and shit and the warriors and you think all of that type of stuff but i don't feel that vibe in new york like the thing i think the great thing about new york is that everybody the riding of the subway actually keeps it safer i think the fact that everybody's mixed in together yeah kind of you know the fact that you're on foot, there's no getaway car, there's none of that. You kind of had to, you know... Be more civil.

You had to be more... Great word, exactly. You had to be more civil. Wear that shit where you can just fucking go fucking nuts, throw a bottle at somebody, and then jump in your IROC Z and fishtail down the street.

Your IROC Z. Yeah. I down the street. Your IROC Z. Yeah. I remember the first time I took Ari to Boston. I took him to Faneuil Hall when they had the comedy connection up there. Which is about the most pedestrian place you could have taken him to. And still filled with psychos. Oh, yeah. All the bars down there are filled with psychos.

And as we're leaving, we're walking to the hotel. We're seeing fucking street fights left and right. Oh, brutal. They were waiting in line at McDonald's. They just decided to get out of there. They're like, this is too dangerous. We got to get out of here. And then he goes, you grew up here?

I'm like, this is the spot. This is what it's like. They fight here. They fight here. It's different. Philly's got a creepy vibe, too. Same vibe. Philly, late night, getting a steak and cheese.

You start feeling like, somebody's going to catch one, and it ain't going to be me. I'm getting the fuck. I'm going to get this to go what is it is it the cold weather is a fucking uh the people that the ancestors of the people that came over on boats it's like they're all stuck i don't know there's a because to me new york philly boston they're all there's a through line of sameness to those kinds of people and uh but i i think the thing that struck me about new york was you know they always try to they used to try to equate it to the sports teams that you know new york would win championships in boston other than the celtics didn't but now that even though

you know that we've fucking won like a zillion in each like it still hasn't gone away it is that there's a uh and i i what you were saying, how you have to act more civil. There just is that thing in New York where it's just everybody is like. Mixed up. And in tight quarters. So there's a level of common courtesy that you have to sort of abide by or you're not going to survive. you have to sort of abide by or you're not going to survive. You can't walk around being, you know, like those fucking guys late at night when you're going to get that,

that slice, you know, to absorb the alcohol so you can drive home, which was so fucking nuts back then. Like the, you, you, you weren't going to survive. You're not going to survive doing that there. You're just not going to. So people, I feel like they behave more civilly, but sports people try to make it about the Yankees and Red Sox and how... It was so funny to me. They would say... Boston has an inferiority complex.

It's like, dude, they don't even know New York exists. You don't understand. The same way New Yorkers are all about New York, Boston is all about Boston. They know New York. New York knows Boston. But they don't know shit about each other. Unless you've been there and lived there, you're is all about Boston. They know New York. New York knows Boston, but they don't know shit about each other. Unless you've been there and lived there, you're not thinking about it.

You're thinking about your life, your chick, your world. You're not going like, you know, I wish we won World Series. You don't even think about it until the playoff series happens. So I think that that whole thing was just like a romantic version of it. But I really just think of socially when you have a city like uh you know new york i mean look at la shit they have those fucking everybody's in cars you don't talk to anybody and people are fucking shooting each other on the freeways there's that thing when you're in your car you just feel like like outside of your

car it's a movie it's not really happening and then all of a sudden your car won't start and it's like oh this is really happening. Also, I think the separation of the classes in New York is different because everybody gets together on the subway. Rich people, poor people. They're all together walking down the street together. In L.A., there's none of that. There's very few interactions between people from Beverly Hills and people from Compton or people from East L.A. Oh, there's none unless there's like a benefit or people from, you know, East L.A.?

Oh, there's none, unless there's, like, a benefit or some shit. You know what I mean? There's some political thing and somebody's down there. That's, yeah, 100% true. That's a big problem with the culture here. There's a great fucking documentary, which, of course, I don't remember the name of it. What's-His-Face does the—Forest Whitaker does the voiceover for it. I believe the Forrest Whitaker does the voice over for it I believe it's Forrest Whitaker

and it's just about the history of the Crips and the Bloods but what's cool about it is it starts off and it like outlines the neighborhoods you know you always hear Compton you hear Watts you hear all these but you don't really know where it is you know it's south or whatever but when they would say it

they'd show a map and then they would outline the neighborhood but they just showed how like with like racism how they got where they got all african americans to live and just all the stuff that built but it was a really interesting thing as far as like neighborhoods in la because la when you come out here i still after being out here for eight years, there's no center to the city. It's just like, it's just this sprawling fucking thing that makes no sense. You know, like, the original center of L.A.

was supposed to be Long Beach, which makes sense. You'd want to have it on the water. Really? Like, most major cities, yeah. Like, that's where it was supposed to be. Like, whatever that pier is out there, that's like the second or third largest like that whatever that pier is out there that's like

the second or third largest one in the world i think like just the amount of product that goes in and out during the course of the day so like the the major downtown area was going to be there but it was just like la very subtly is one of the most gangster towns that there is out there where it's just everything out here was just like the water, everything is just some fucking seedy goddamn story and there's always like a fucking decomposed body in every fucking story. No matter what happens, they don't

give a shit. They just pave over it. There's no plaques. There's nothing. Like Robert Kennedy got whacked here. You would think like what they did with Dealey Plaza which I actually think they went overboard they kept the entire fucking plaza the exact same you walk there you feel like in the zapruda film it's weird but like they did the ambassador hotel that's where he got whacked

right they crushed it they took it down yeah we used to film we filmed fairfax i was gonna say they used to film shit in there and then they took that out and now it's like condos or a school or something something i think somewhere there's a little plaque like, oh, by the way, by the way, Robert Kennedy got killed here. We walked through the kitchen where he got shot. We were hanging around there when we were filming there. We were just trying to figure out where he got shot. We were like, I think it was like right here. Yeah, they didn't have it roped off.

There was no memorial. Nobody gave a shit. Nope. Yeah, that hotel was creepy. It wasn't being used for a long time. It was just for filming stuff. There's a lot of those things like that. Do you know the original L.A. Times building was a terrorist act?

It was blown up. I forget why. I was reading this thing about it. But there's no information that I can find on the Internet where the original one is. There's no plaque downtown. It just did happen. All right, it's over. Clean it up. it up bury them let's just fucking move on well i remember from uh remember the sopranos episode where they were talking about how many actual shipping containers they they

actually inspect like what a small percentage of shipping containers that get inspected i thought about that when we're filming fear factor in long too, because we used to film there all the time. And we used to be there, and we would just see these gigantic ships coming in, these cargo ships filled with these containers. Who knew what the fuck was in each one of those things? And they were all right there, just coming in, big giant boats full. Everything from bootleg shit, drugs, blood diamonds, people to work in fucking rub and tug prostitutes. Yeah.

Yeah, all on these little weird little boxes. LA's a strange place. It's strange when you watch those old movies about LA. But it's also great. I fucking love it out here. It's amazing. It is a great city. But I also love New York, but I kind of learned that because the first time I lived out here, I hated it, but I just learned that I was

not going to hate where I was going to live. Like I was going to give it a fair shot. You know what I mean? And, uh, it's, you know, the driving is obviously the,

the, the worst part of it. Um, both the traffic and just how fucking awful the drivers are out here. They're just so fucking, they're maniacs on the highway. And then when they get off, it's like they took a pot cookie.

Like them making a right hand turn how fucking long it takes or if somebody's car is just a little in their lane how they have to stop they can't just fucking drive around god forbid your fucking tires go into there's nobody coming just go they won't go it's just fucking unreal they're terrible with the left lane that's a bad one like people get in the left lane they never move they're straight up terrible yeah they're just terrible this it lane. That's a bad one. Like people get in the left lane, they never move out of it. They're straight up terrible. Yeah. They're just terrible. It's unreal.

And then they get on the fucking highway and they will drive past you a hundred miles an hour, pass you on the right. And you're trying to get off. That's why you're supposed to pass on the left because people are trying to get off. You got to go like,

like, the amount of times people flip me off. It's like, dude, I'm trying to get off this fucking thing. You're passing me on the right. There's like no, I think, because people who like commute on the highway, it's such a motherfucker every day

that if they see any bit of daylight, they just pin it and try to go as far as they can before they're going to come to a dead stop again. Just to deal with their frustration. I don't know. Yeah. These are just all theories, Joe. I have no idea. Do you think you could live in New York again?

Or do you like living out here? i could live in outside of the city once once you get a house and you don't have to worry about where i'm gonna park i don't think people never lived in a city understand how fucking great it is to just drive home pull into your driveway yeah right and just shut the fucking car off and go in no i am a uh i i no i don't think i would live outside of the city i love new york and um like westchester or something yeah whatever someplace long island someplace up there i don't know long island that's a hall yeah and there's just a lot of meatheads out there i just it like you're either fucking, yeah, you're either like a Freemason or you're like the dumbest person ever.

That's my experience with Long Island. And that's doing like the comedy clubs or like, it's either like you got the money to live in the Hamptons and like, you know, Tom Hanks is at your brunch every other week or like Howard Stern. Or yeah, you got these fucking, yeah, you either, Tom Hanks is at your brunch every other week. Or like... A Howard Stern. Or, yeah, you got these fucking... Yeah, you either got that kind of money or you just... I don't know.

You know, I did a lot of hell gigs out there, so I probably shouldn't judge it that way. I did a lot of hell gigs in Long Island, too. Long Island was brutal. Jersey hell gigs and Long Island hell gigs, I think, were worse than the ones that I did in New England. Because at least New England, I was part of the same drinking water right so it was the same meathead that we were running to when you went to fucking some gig in Western Mass or up in fucking god knows where in New Hampshire or something main main gigs were just all those those what all those m towns yeah right Malden Medford all of those fucking uh somerville like summer somerville now is like

nice yeah gentrified used to be called slumerville when when we used to do yeah there's like hipsters and cupcake shops and all that shit that's it's seriously they're a handcrafted coffee but like yeah like revere yeah east east boston rev. All of those fucking places. Those gigs were brutal. Revere was a brutal spot. That's one of the most brutal spots still, I think. I don't think that place has been gentrified. Malden, Medford, and there was one other one. I lived in Medford.

They all, yeah, all on the same. I did gigs in Lynn. Lynn was a rough one, too. I think Connecticut's the worst, though. Because Connecticut's depressing to me. Like, Massachusetts was okay, because that's where I was. Because Connecticut's depressing to me. Massachusetts was okay because that's where I was living. It felt normal to me.

Even if it was a hell gig, I was like, ah, whatever. It just sucks. But there's something depressing about Connecticut. Connecticut always feels like there's no hope. It doesn't feel like a real state. It feels like a highway between Boston and New York. And then these people just live in on the highway. And then they would come to gigs.

To this day, I did one of the casinos a few years back we did you know a weekend at the casino and I was like I don't ever want to fucking do this again this is horrible one of those Indian casinos I was like this place is fucking depressing these people are like legitimate mutants

next time you stay in New York and then you go to the west side, you just chopper over to it. Chopper over to Connecticut? Yeah. Do you chopper everywhere now? It would be just a straight line. Like if you went to New York, would you rent a chopper and fly? No.

No. I wouldn't. Why not? Because I'm not familiar with the airspace. I'm not familiar with the amount of work that i would have to do and then also you can get lost up there really easily you know what i mean and plus you're also like i mean dude there's three international airports there so that's all bravo airspace psycho fucking what are you doing here right type of stuff so when you like when you transition like bravo airspace over uh by lax like there's like

specific like rules of like hardcore like you have to say your whole tail number and the guy has to repeat your entire tail number and if he doesn't you got to repeat you got to say your hotel number just making sure you know november three two three sierra hotel you know clear to transition you know 500 feet sepulveda whatever right you but you know, November 3, 2, 3, Sierra Hotel, you know, cleared to transition, you know, 500 feet Sepulveda or whatever, right? But, you know, you go by regular fucking airports. It's not that, but the level of traffic that they're, I mean, you're talking about you're in the vicinity of something you would kill 300 people. Yeah.

Plus people on the fucking ground. So it's like. Yeah. Well, I mean, I look at it, if I did it, then fuck me. You know what I mean? Because I'm an idiot. I'm the idiot who did it. So it it's so if i was to rent something there and the other thing too is you have no idea what's going on with that helicopter either where i fly out of i fly the same place

where i they taught me and those guys a great school and you know 90% of the flying of those helicopters is basically done with an instructor in there. So they're looking to make sure they don't overspeed the main rotor. They're not yanking the guts out of it, basically. Because what happens is every 2,200 hours, those things are entirely taken apart and then rebuilt. Really? That's why they're so safe. Yeah, they do. They're not just like you fucking fly over people's houses in some shitbox. 2,200 hours of flying? Yeah. Really? That's why they're so safe. Yeah, dude. They're not just like you fucking fly over people's houses in some shit box.

2,200 hours of flying? Yeah. Really? Wow. So, yeah, and the overhaul is a zillion fucking dollars, which is why if you ever look at a helicopter, like, why is this thing only 30 grand? It's because it's due for an overhaul. And how much does an overhaul cost?

Like hundreds of thousands at all. Hundreds? Yeah. It's like you almost got to buy the thing again. Wow. And so you have to do that every 2200 miles 2200 hours 2200 hours 2200 hours so so but here's the thing so if something has 1500 hours on it but somebody's been flying it like a jerk off like just fucking yanking the guts out of the fucking thing is then what happens is is that 2200 hours where something could go wrong now becomes 2000 hours or 1800 hours because the thing about metal fatigue like a weld failing or something like that is you can't see that until

it basically happens so if somebody is is flying it like an asshole and they're not maintaining it you know like if you know you give somebody a fucking car and they change the oil, keep it lubed up and all that, and they're not redlining it, that car is going to last 10 years. You give it to some fucking jerk off and they just start it up and step on it, it's a shitbox within fucking a couple of years. So that it's, for me anyways, like just the hours that are on it is just the first thing i need to know like i'd have to know the school i'd have to know who's been flying the

there's no fucking way i would i wouldn't i just wouldn't so do you own your own helicopter or you rent one you rent one no i i rent i can't justify doing that what so i can just fly over dodger stadium oh that was cool and put it back down, you know? But you fly to gigs, right? Like, didn't you fly to San Diego for a gig? Yeah, I flew down, and I flew down with an instructor, because it was the first time I was doing it, and I wasn't familiar, and he was handling a lot of the radio and the calls and that type of shit, but I flew the thing, and it was, I flew an R44, which is a four-passenger. It was fucking awesome. So you go down there, and does he come with you to the gig? Oh, yeah, yeah. It was perfect.

Him and his brother came, and then Kevin Shea rode in the back, and they had a great fucking time. And it would have been cool if we could have landed right at the venue, but what it was was it was in this canyon area, and there was a bunch of high wires, and by the time we got out, it was going to be nighttime, and it didn't want to fly out of that so that was the only sort of buzzkill but what's it like flying at night oh i got video dude it's fucking unreal it's really it's really uh it's a beautiful thing dude flying out over the ocean and just seeing the shit that's

out there that's left compared to what the fuck we did to it but like just the amount of times i've flown out over there and i just see like looking down like what the fuck is that and then you look up a couple hundred yards and somebody's sitting on a surfboard waiting to catch a wave you want to be like dude there's something that could swallow you whole like what'd you see i don't know what it was like a shark or something i don't know what i mean you're it's weird like when you're up high like you know 1500 feet away when whales come up like when they're just right at the surface because their body is obviously all wet, when the sun hits it, they look like almost like glow sticks. It's really fucking weird.

Like, almost like a, I don't know what the fuck. Is it a caterpillar that glows? One of those fucking glowing things. That's what it looks like. But when you're down low, there's been a couple of times, and I've had buddies, too. I know a guy, he was doing, you know, he was flying the thing out for a shoot. And then he's really yanking the guts out of it, you know, just on that one flight. But he said he fucking was coming back around.

They were filming like a boat race. And he fucking came around like that. You know, he was on his side. He looked down. He went, whoa. It was a big fucking great white shark near the surface. I mean, they weren't like real low to the ground. I mean, they were like, you know, 500 feet up.

But you can't miss a 30-foot foot fucking uh great white or something i don't i don't think i've ever seen a great white but i've seen like you can't believe maybe it's because we're up in the air it seems like it's closer to the coast but you can't believe what the fuck is dude that's like literally like no one would walk into the jungle you know what i I mean? Because there's tigers and lions and cobras. I'm not doing this shit. But the ocean is the water version of a jungle. And you're just walking into this shit. And your head, where your fucking eyes are, where you can see everything.

Would you ever walk into a jungle? You know when somebody finishes their basement? You can push your head through those tiles. Have one of those on your head. And you can't see where you're going. And just walk into the jungle you would never do that right dude the ocean is is absolutely fucking terrifying to me and uh i i will never never ever go in it so one time i did a flight i did a flight to catalina island and we're literally we got like when you do that man you're flying over water it a single engine. So you got to have flares.

You got a fucking life jacket on and shit. And that was the only thing I was worried about. I was just like, dude, I'm not even worried about dying right now. I'm worried about crash landing into this shit, living, and then waiting to fucking die. It doesn't happen often, but when it happens, I never forget it. There was a guy just a couple of years ago, I think maybe just year in santa barbara surfer got killed by a great white and my favorite story was a guy in san diego training for a triathlon it was him and a few other people they were all in a row and they were all swimming in this fucking whopper they said it had to be like 18 plus feet came

along bit the guy in half in front of everybody and just just you know severed him in half killed him right there just bled out everyone's screaming that's the best way swam away the best way yeah just bite me in half get it over with dude if i saw a shark coming at me i would fucking i'd swim towards my head just shove it right in there i'm gonna have you take a bite of my leg and see if i'm edible and see if you can get a tourniquet on it before you can hobble the shore. No, fuck all that. Fuck all of that. Yeah, it's a weird way to go. It is a crazy thing because if... Sharks and monkeys, dude. That's it, dude. I'm with you. That fucking ripped that woman's face off.

Oh, yeah. Dude, you know when they fight each other, they fucking twist the foot off and they fucking yank the guy, the fucking ball bag off. That's the first thing they go for. Fuck that. They know what makes you a person. They know your fingers. They go for your fingers. They tear your fingers off.

They bite them off. They bite your balls off. Yeah. Yeah, they're ruthless. They think, too. That's the problem is they're thinking. Dude, my dog thinks. Forget about those things.

Dude, that is like, you know like when there's just that big guy in a bar who's a fucking psycho and you're just sitting there going, I wish there was somebody big enough to fucking handle this so I can feel better. Like that's that times a thousand. If a chimp just goes, you know, one of the guys, bring it back to F is for Family, one of the guys that I work with got attacked by a monkey one time when he was a kid. And to this day, he had the funniest thing.

He goes, I hate when I go on shoots and there's monkeys. He goes, I fucking hate it. He goes, because what's going to happen is, you know, you're going to get two or three takes. Everybody knows. He goes, you do two or three takes and then after that,

the monkey's just going to do whatever the fuck it wants to do. And then the handler's going to try to get it back under the hood or whatever the fuck it's doing. And yeah, he I've never heard any good things

about monkeys. When we were in Costa Rica, we were staying at this nice resort and they had monkeys. The howler monkeys? Howler monkeys. Oh, they're the worst. And there was the other ones, these pale-faced monkeys. They weren't the howler ones. Howler ones don't come close to you,

but the other ones, these little white-faced monkeys. Yeah, but they won't shut the fuck up. I was in Costa Rica and fortunately we didn't have those, but we wanted to rough it. My wife was just like, yeah, listen,

I just want to go out in the middle. We fucking slept under a mosquito net, dude. Where? In the jungle? Dude, we would, put it this way, we did a zipine tour through the northern part of we did that yeah we were right there so we're staying under this fucking mosquito net and we have like united states of america bug spray in like the rainforest and they're just laughing at the shit it's like i'm shooting a pellet gun and the guy's got a 44

dude it was like it was like i might as well put a1 on dude i had welts all up and down and they were biting the shit out of us and i remember like the second day um this these fucking army ants just took over our fucking little i don't even know what you'd call it there was like these expatriates had a fucking literally this giant tree fort that they lived in and then they had these little bungalows so you had to walk up a ladder to get into and these fucking things just took over the place and the guys like came walking i go yeah i came i was like there's like a fucking thousand ants in there like they were all in a single file and he just came watching he goes yeah those are the army ants he goes yeah you just can't do anything about it

we're standing there looking at them and I got like these flip flops on and he goes you can't do anything about them you just gotta let them pass through it'll take a couple of hours and he goes

watch out though they bite and right as he said that one of them fucking bit me and I was just like dude you gotta be fucking kidding me so so they had a monkey

they had a spider monkey a pet? yep not really a pet I mean not a spider monkey. A pet? Yep. Not really a pet. I mean, not a pet by its choice. But he hung out. They had it. No, they had it as a pet by their choice.

The monkey was a prisoner. Oh. So he's in a cage. So I went over there. No, it's sitting on top of what looks like a birdhouse. So like an asshole, I walk over to this fucking thing, like giving it food and everything, and it fucking sitting on top of like, looks like a birdhouse. So like an asshole, I walk over to this fucking thing, like giving it food and everything. And it fucking jumps on me in two seconds. It jumped on me, inverted, had its tail wrapped around my neck, reached into my pockets, took my bungalow keys, and then ran up the fucking tree with the keys to my bungalow so I couldn't fucking get into it.

And it all went down in like fucking like 0.3 seconds the thing just went right up the fucking i was standing there feeling subhuman i was like i just got outsmarted by this thing like this is one for their side and the monkey was up there looking at me and i know it's fucking laughing at me going like all you dumb motherfuckers keep it right in your right front pocket. I get it every time. So then I was sitting there going like, all right, all right, motherfucker, right? You want to have a battle of wits? Here we go. So I get some food, right? So I come down and I know I'm judging its fucking leash, how far it can jump. So I get all the way back down on its little fucking birdhouse, which was probably about three feet long so i'm sitting there walking with the food and it knows i want the key

and it's actually holding the fucking key away from its body seeing if it can have its cake and eat it like a fucking human being so yeah wow so i get the food and what i did was i set it i i took a big chunk of whatever the fuck it was so it would need two hands so it set down my keys so it set down the keys on the other side of the fucking thing and then it was walking it was slowly walking towards it and right as it got to the food this is why i'm a sadistic asshole right as it got to the food i fucking slapped the food off the house so it'd be out of its reach and then i grabbed the fucking keys and ran and this thing fucking leapt at me scream i swear to god i could feel its breath and i fucking made it away to the other side of it and it was fucking pissed at me and i was standing there this is middle costa rica going yeah fuck you motherfucker fuck you right so so here's the funniest part right so i go to my bungalow and i'm fucking still kind of pissed

at that fucking thing and i go in unlock the door and i'm sitting there for like 20 minutes reading a book or whatever and then i just got i don't know i just started thinking about the monkey and i fucking looked out the window and it was sitting there all by itself looking all sad and everything and then I felt bad so then I went and I got food and I didn't have my keys this time and I actually kind of made friends with the thing after that but I felt when I saw it all lonely and she was like you know what this thing's a prisoner it doesn't want to fucking be here and I'm being a dick I gotta give it the food oh so I gave it back to her yeah Yeah, I felt bad. That's a happy ending. That's a happy ending. I felt bad.

I don't got it in me. Oh, that's cute. In the moment, I do. You know what else is cute? F is for family. Yes. Let's end it on that. Okay.

Because that's a fucking fantastic story. And F is for family, December 18th. Yep. BillBurr.com. Is that your website? Yes, it is. BillBurr on Twitter. Six episodes.

And thanks to everybody involved with the show netflix uh mike price um everybody over at wild west vince vaughn peter billingsley mike lagnie's victoria vaughn all those guys everybody that helped me out and we'll definitely be tweeting it the week it comes out let everybody know when it comes out i'm thinking people will hopefully i hope they're gonna like it's hilarious the the preview is hilarious i know it's gonna be fucking awesome cool all right brother thank you very Aw, it's hilarious. The preview's hilarious. I know it's gonna be fucking awesome. Cool. Alright, brother. Thank you very much, man.

It's always a pleasure. Let me know what you think of the pie. It smells great. I can't wait to dig in. Alright, buddy. I'm gonna give you some elk, too. Don't leave without it. Alright, folks. We'll see you soon. Later.