The Joe Rogan Experience - #731 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: December 3, 2015

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his book "Life of the Party" on Amazon and his podcast "Bertcast" on Spotify.

Already got the top off the vodka. I'm on a cleanse. You're on a cleanse? Yeah, dude, I'm down. You ready for this? Is it a vodka cleanse? Vodka's clear. Oh, it's good for you? Yeah, no, it's clear. Anything clear.

That's my... I don't know, Joe. Clear, like tequila? Yeah, tequila's on the cleanse. So is meth. Meth's pretty clear, right? No, not good meth, and that's hard to come by these days. Ever clear? That's not good for you, right? That's clear.

Acid. Moonshine, that's clear. It's a different approach to a Clinton's. No, I talked to you the other day. I was 255.6. This is the most hilarious conversation. Burt calls. He goes, I'm cleaning up my life.

That's it. He goes, I'm too heavy. I go, what are you going to do? He goes, no more cleaning up my life. That's it. He goes, I'm too heavy. I go, what are you going to do? He goes, no more appetizers. And he was serious. I wasn't joking at all. He was serious. Like appetizers were what's doing you in. Dude, I make it rain appetizers. When I sit down, I'm like, I go, first of all, every time, what are your two best appetizers? And they're like, yep. I go, we want those. Why not right? Okay little taster, right? Here's where I really gotten here's where the weight gain really came on

Anyone that really that's been working with me knows this I order two meals I'd order two meals cuz I like to eat like a king I'm not paying for it. But so like you're not paying for the networks paying for it. It's oh You're assuming like all your meat. That's how much you work man. You work so much most of your meals All your meals. That's how much you work, man. You work so much. Most of your meals are paid for.

I haven't paid for a meal in 11 months. That's so crazy. I've been on the road straight for 11 fucking months. Dude, nobody I know travels as much as you. Other than Bourdain, maybe he's pretty close. He travels a fucking dickload. And he goes to Miramar. Well, he goes to horrible places that are really scary.

I think that's the reason he left the Travel Channel, is that they wouldn't let him go to those places. I don't know. No, no, no. I'm almost pretty certain. Really? Yeah, because CNN has a different set of insurance, and Travel Channel's insurance doesn't cover their dangerous, sketchy places. Kidnapping type shit. It doesn't cover it.

You have to get pretty much your own insurance almost. His last episode, he was in the Congo. I haven't watched it yet, but I saw the Congo and I was way too high to watch it. I was like, no, don't, can't do it. No. I did a Montana episode with him a couple weeks ago. We camped out, too. We did the full

Montana experience. We went pheasant hunting and then we camped out. Hung out by the fire. Got lit up. It was fun. So wait, does he drink camping oh yeah oh dude we went hard we went hard boozing weed everything we went hard too yeah it's like 90 of what he was talking about he just wanted to talk about jiu-jitsu he started when he was like 15 does not fuck around you know what's really incredible?

That guy's addicted to 59, and he just every day trains. He trains when he's on the road. He goes to these places like Bozeman, Montana, and he finds like a local group of guys, and he goes and rolls with these guys. He's a madman. Didn't his wife get him into it? Yeah, his wife is super into it.

Super into it. She's constantly training. I think she trains like twice a day, every day. Wow. Yeah. That's good for him, man. He looks good. He doesn't look like the way he should look. He's one of the canaries in the mind. Yeah, he looks a lot better than

he looked just a few years ago. Is he still smoking cigarettes? No, no. He stopped when his daughter was born. You know, I think. But I don't even think he does that anymore now that he's doing jiu-jitsu. I'm sure he does. You know what happens with the jiu-jitsu? Wow.

Except for the occasional one. He'll do world with the lifestyle. Those become your new friends. Those become like, and it becomes like a jiu-jitsu family. And they understand you more than other people understand you because they've choked you.

You know? And you've gone to to battle together there is an intimacy when someone chokes you out like a bizarre like i held you in my hand yeah i could let go you and i decided to keep you yeah definitely there's definitely something there and then it also like makes regular life seem kind of boring you know so they just get engulfed into that world. And some people, they wind up doing that to the point of that becomes their job. They wind up teaching it. I know a lot of people have left lucrative careers because they decided they want to start teaching jujitsu. You know, they just got into it a lot. They were doing it. They started teaching private lessons and then they just downsized and started doing jujitsu. They're like, this is just so much

more fun than being some guy trying to climb the corporate ladder No, is there um, I know that And like most martial arts is like a spiritual message. Is there any like kind of spiritual guidelines in jujitsu? Well, there are in different schools, you know, depending on who's teaching you and how they how they approach it but there's as Overall in the art of jiu-jitsu and I call it an art because it really is an art it's like there's it's techniques and it's it's a martial art it's the most mostly martial or the

most art of martial arts in my print in my opinion because it's the most open to creativity like guys like Eddie Bravo is the best example that because he's such a creative guy he's invented so many moves and so many transitions and pathways name them and they're really unique so if like you roll with him you literally don't know what he's doing if you roll with a standard jiu-jitsu guy even if uh you're really good like if you there's like there's certain guys like a Hicks and Gracie for example who does the basics all all of the basics of jujitsu, but does them to a level of mastery that you cannot comprehend until you train with him. And when you train with him, you will just go, all that other stuff is nonsense. You just need straight jujitsu, you know, from the mothership, from Elio Gracie and Carlos Gracie.

That's all you need. Just razor sharp that shit. Hodger Gracie is like that. Henzo's like that. They mostly just do the basics but to a level of mastery that's incomprehensible to the average person. But then there's a bunch of guys that are super creative like Jeff Glover, the guy that we were talking about the other day. He's one of them. Bravo.

Eddie Bravo's one of them, of course. And there's a bunch of other guys out there too. He's one of them. Bravo. Eddie Bravo is one of them, of course. And there's a bunch of other guys out there, too. Eddie Cummins, who's a student of this guy, John Donaher, who's probably the most creative of all the teachers or one of the most creative next to Eddie. And he's like got this crazy leg lock game that they're all learning.

So they're all learning this like super complicated leg lock game from this guy who was like a philosophy PhD major that's what he's doing he was like studying philosophy and working as a bouncer and He got into Jujitsu because he wanted to learn how to defend himself because all these fights would happen when people were drunk And then he just became obsessed with Jujitsu And now he's like one of the most sought-after Jujitsu coaches in the world like George St. Pierre used to use him and he teaches at Hzo Gracie's Academy in New York. So it's like, there's like this real underground, like it's, it's not what everybody thinks it is. People think of it as being like meatheads and like these like really muscled up dudes with tattoos on their necks. It's not, there's a lot of those guys in there too. But what it really is, is this crazy problem solving game that's going on

that everybody's playing with their body this is going to sound like a really silly question but if like if you if if say eddie bravo say you picked a fight with eddie bravo and he was forced to kick your ass would there be at some point when you woke up the next day that you'd remember something he did to you artistically and be like damn that was beautiful well yeah well we spar if we would spar eddie would do shit to me and i would go what would you how'd you set that up what did i do wrong and like he's always teaching like he doesn't hide anything from his students yeah he's always trying to get them so that they tap him like he gets tapped by students but he considers it a good thing it's like i taught this guy so well that he can get me yeah but you need that if you don't have that.

It's like, don't you agree that as stand-up comedians, we need to be around killers? Like, you need to be around Diaz. You need to be around guys like Burr. Like, when you're around all these killers, it makes you up your game. I told you that the day after we were all at the comedy store and you had the joke about Bruce Jenner, the gargoyle.

And I'm fucking howling in the back. And I don't know if I told you this part, but I will tell you right now. And then I went up in between you and Burr. And Burr went up after me and just seamlessly destroyed. And then you went up and just seamlessly destroyed after him. And I woke up the next morning and I told Leanna, I said, I'm fucking bummed. I'm not writing the way these guys are writing. I feel like I'm slow. I feel clumsy bummed. I'm not writing the way these guys are writing. I feel like I'm slow.

I feel clumsy on stage. I feel like I should. And then Leigh-Anne was like, hold on, hold on. You're talking about Joe and Bill, two of the best comedians in the world. So don't hold yourself to that standard, but use that inspiration by watching the best to say to yourself, well, fuck, I can be better. If that's what you're saying. Yeah, well, I always feel like that. You always well, fuck, I can be better. Like, that's what you're saying. Yeah, well, I always feel like that. You always got to feel like you can be better, right?

I mean, I kind of always do. Are those low-level cunts who come out of a club and they're like, bro, just lit that room on fucking fire. And you're like, I don't know what fight you saw, but I saw you get kind of fucking up against the ropes. Like, New York was, when I was there, was filled with that. Guys that walk out, fucking destroy that shit. In the beginning, I think that's like a

defense mechanism that guys put on. If you talk to most comics, most comics are not happy with their act. Do you think? Yeah. People that are good. People that are good. Yeah, there's always like these moments where you're like, God, I gotta fix this. I gotta tighten that up. It's the guys that are like super confident

about, oh, my act's perfect right now. Your act's dog shit. You know, that's like, it's the guys that are like super confident about my acts perfect right now like your ex dog shit, you know, that's like it's just a There's a like a high level of scrutiny that you have to give yourself and give what you're doing And you know, it does it's like there's a lot of bits that just don't ever work They just now you got to eventually got to throw them in the garbage Just don't like you're like god damn it There's something in here and you just hammer at it and try to turn it into a sword.

But nope, it's just a ladle. It's a ladle. It's going to stay a ladle. It just never works. It's just a stupid thing that you very rarely use. And it just might have worked a couple times on stage in certain places, but you just can't figure out the transition. And then there's other bits that you pilfer.

You take chunks of them and you create other bits with them. And it turns out that they're a better mine than they are an entity. They're better for mining ideas. That's how that happens all the time. We have a bit and you're into the bit. But it turns out the best part about it is like a side thing. Like a little side path that you take while you're creating it. I like it more than I've ever liked it stand up more than ever it's so much fun man you know especially like right now

because uh it's a year after my last special and i have like a full set now and now i'm just trying to make it good and trying to add to it and cut away from it. But it's like I'm working with, you know, a full hour, 20 minutes of new stuff. So it's all, I pretty much have what I need to turn into like a weapon now. Now I have to like hone it and sharpen it. It's super exciting, man, because it's nerve wracking. And, you know, and you're doing a lot of sets and you're fucking around in different places. And it's just, I've never been more excited about it so much fun i'm the i'm the not the opposite of you but like i get i have a hard time i i'm i like the fucking of creativity i like the fucking of

impulse i don't like to i don't like to be in a relationship with creativity so like i don't i'm not i don't want to meet create i like the moment where you get an idea you meet it at the bar and you fucking take it home and you fuck it up against a wall and then you walk out and you're like i'll never call that idea again i love that like so you mean like in the moment like on a show on improvisation is that what you mean yeah i love when you come up with that idea and i and i walk away i love that that almost like i used to call i used to call it the angel share of like it wasn't a bit it was just happened or you or what happens to me a lot of times I'll come up with a bit and I'll kind of have I'll fuck it one night I won't make a relationship out of it and then I'll just use it I'll be like okay

I'm not gonna I don't want to fuck with that I'm bored like I want the new I want the new next thing right I'm a commitment phobe with material like I run I tear through material so quickly that I just go like and maybe it's because just go, like, and maybe it's because it's not that good, or maybe it's because I'm not focusing on it, but I don't really have a lot of the passion to focus on it and literally toil with a bit. Like, I get really kind of disconnected sometimes on stage. Like, I tell the machine story now, and I'm, the second I say it when I was 22 years old, I fucking feel a weight on my shoulders, like, fuck, this is 12 minutes.

We were talking about this the other day. Like, you should just get that on a video. Get that and put it on a Netflix thing or something and then just release it so you don't have to do it anymore. Yeah. We're negotiating that. What you talked about, I brought up. Yeah. And if you do that, man, then like maybe a year from now, someone will ask you, tell us about the machine.

And I'll be inspired. Yeah. It'll still be fun. Yeah. But yeah, you can tell a story, even a great story like that story. You can tell it too many times and it just goes away from you. It doesn't mean anything. The noises.

It's like, you know, like if you ever say fuck around your grandma, it's like, whoa. It sounds so harsh, you know? Like, oh my God, you know? But if you say fuck to us us we say fuck around each other so often it's just like the or end or but it's just normal there's no unusual registration of it you know i think that's the same thing with a story if you tell a story so much that doesn't that doesn't register anymore even though if you heard it for the first time you'd be like what like the first time you told me that story i was like what, what? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing? No!

It was just, it's filled with, no! It's a chaos-filled story. It's an awesome story. So, but if you, you know, you fuck her too many times. Yeah. That's where I'm at right now. Yeah, you get bored, right? It's just a Chechen whore in a fucking tent. And fucking miners are just running trains on it.

Just cigarette breath. Come on, you want to fuck one more thing? Come on, machine. You show me. You show me. You show me. You have to change oil? There is a great moment, though, when you tell that story, and I have no passion about telling it, but I tell it, and then this, like,

couple that it doesn't seem like they'd ever like me just come out, and they're like, that was fucking amazing. And you're like, you forget exactly. Daniel Tosh told me this. He goes, you have no idea how many people don't know who you are. Like, the concept of, like, you think... Everyone's heard the story. Everyone's heard the story. Fucking Daniel Tice told me this he goes you have no idea how many people don't know who you are like the concept of like you think

everyone's heard the story everyone's heard the story fucking I would say at least at least 80% of every room I sell out

or I sell or I sell you know in a club hasn't heard me hasn't heard that story at least live

well you gotta think about how many people there are to listen to nowadays too you know like for them to know even if they catch one of your podcasts like you've been on this podcast like six seven times something like that if they catch one of them it might not have the machine story in it oh so they might think you're the best and they don't even know that story i uh i've met a guy on a plane going to japan who's a fucking massive fan he had the shirt on and i this is how fucking disconnected I am

with life sometimes I just like see the JRE shirt and I'm like I'll walk by him slow and he'll be like machine like in my head I really thought that that's ego whatever I'll be honest and uh I make eye contact with the guy and the guy goes hi and I was like hey and you look like a bear

like a big gay bear and we're on a fucking 13-hour flight. Oh, no. And first class. I've been targeted. I'm like, hey. He's like, hey. And then I'm like, and then I did it like twice.

I was like, wait, maybe I just got to do my laugh. I don't like, ha, ha, ha, ha, or whatever. No. But no, but in my head, I'm like, this is- Sober or drunk draw fucking drunk joe maybe i should do my laugh and so and so then oh my god and so then finally i go a third walk by i'm like uh i'm like hey man rogan experience and he's like fuck yeah man and i was like yep he was like

you listen to it and i was like yeah i have definitely and man. And I was like, yep. And he was like, you listen to it? And I was like, yeah, I have. Definitely. And in my head, I was like, I got to be honest. I have like fucking five backloaded for this flight. And I was like, yeah, which ones do you have loaded? And I forget what we talked about that. You should have said, you should get Bert Kreischer. He's amazing.

Do you know who Bert Kreischer is? You don't even, oh my God. Oh, the machine? It's the best story ever, dude. You got to turn it on. So, and then I finally said to him, I was like, I've been on the podcast. He's like, really? Who are you?

And I said, Bert Kreischer. He's like, oh, cool. He's like, I don been on the podcast. He's like, really? Who are you? I said, Burt Kreisler. He's like, oh, cool. He's like, I don't get to everyone. I'm really into the mixed martial artists. I was like, oh, cool. And then I was like, well, I'll tell you who you should listen to. And then I was like, have you listened to Duncan or Joey or Ari? And he's like, I've heard Ari.

I know Joey. I don't know Duncan. He just was like, he was a mixed martial artist fan. Right. And he was ripped, too. What does dick taste like? Yeah. Salty. It was a flight to Right. And he was ripped, too. What does dick taste like? Yeah. Salty. It was a flight to Japan.

I put wasabi on it. Wow. Someone's done that. Oh, I guarantee you. For sure. Someone sucked a dick that's coated in wasabi. It's definitely happened. After listening to that humiliation-ist?

Oh, yeah. Wasn't that bizarre? I fucking couldn't turn it off. I think that was the shortest podcast we ever did. It was like an hour. She was very nice. It wasn't her fault. Dominatrix, was she?

She was a humiliatrix. Yeah, I know a very well-known one of those where she steps on guys' balls with high heels. No, this girl doesn't do that. She doesn't do anything in person. She does it all over the internet, all over the phone, and all over. She sends them things, and they pay for her poop and her fingernails and shit. Like dirty stench. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stinky socks and they like they pay for her poop and her fingernails and shit like dirty stint yeah yeah stinky socks and stuff they pay for her underwear yeah i can understand the underwear one well it's all sorts of weird shit too like they'll film themselves doing awful

things like getting fucked by guys and they send it to her and then she holds it and threatens to blackmail them and then they get suicidal But they want this they request this like she would never release it. Yeah, it's really interesting She's very smart and she was a very nice person She like didn't seem like the type of person that would do that She's very intelligent like you have a great conversation with her She I was it was an interest it was interesting the thing that she said that was interesting to me was and I For her bird. I was with the dominatrix for a day. So I was like full-blown with a dominatrix and

What was really fascinating is they said something about that first sexual experience you have it sets an imprint for who you're gonna be sexually Yeah, and I remember the first thing I ever fucking saw was On Fletcher Avenue near this pizza shop as an old newsstand and my sister picked up a magazine that was Bondage and showed it to me was like like fucking full-blown bondage and I was like what I was like maybe first grade I was like what the fuck when I went to this dominatrix in like 19 no 2001 is when I went and did an episode She said She'd check out some of my stuff. We're just bullshitting. Mistress Isabella. Ari had her on his podcast, too.

She's like, you should check out some of my stuff. And gave me a bunch of videos. And I put in one. And, dude, one thing just like fucking like the rubber gloves up to the shoulders with the bustier. And I was literally, it brought me back to that point. And I had this fucking, it's like rediscovering like shit. Like I was like, holy fuck. Really?

Oh. So it imprinted in you during that formative age. So you've had an actual experience. Yeah. So what age were you again? I'm going to say six. I'm going to say probably first grade, before first grade, around first grade. And then when was it that you saw it again?

28 years old. Wow. So 22 years later or something like that? 22 years later. And by the way, I'd never been tied up. I'd never tied up a girl. I'd never been in. But? i'd never done any of that shit i'd never been leather or like or like you never been leather like been leathered up or leathered up yeah no

you know like i've never been any i'm like a meat and potatoes fucker like like i go in i have sex maybe a couple positions but that's it and uh and man i saw this and i was like it fucking hit a switch and i was like what the fuck but you liked it yeah i liked it i thought it was hot whoa like have you ever looked at like uh like the missus yeah yeah she knows i had mr cinderella at my house i wish my wife would get into that not interested uh-huh no not at all unless it is with kids do not want to get tied up that's just a No, not at all. Chicks with kids do not want to get tied up. That's just a fact.

Fucking not at all. What happened? They used to love that shit. Because now they're a mom. There's something that happens that switches. It's very hard to describe. I think you know a little bit of it because you're a dad. And when you become a dad, you switch from just being a guy to a dad.

And it's a very real switch. But I don't think it's nearly as gigantic as the switch that goes off inside of a woman when she actually grows the baby in her body and then gives birth to it and then is insanely responsible for that baby. And they love them to a level that like you compare the way you love your kids to the way someone says oh my god i love my cat you're like you don't even know what the fuck love is you think a cat is like i can love a cat openly and shut the fuck up shut up shut up if you had a kid it would be different there's there's an intense and i don't even

necessarily say that this is like a moral choice that you make that it's different there's there's an intense and i don't even necessarily say that this is like a moral choice that you make that it's different i think there's some insane biological switches that go off that are undeniable you know there's a this connection between oxytocin and and kids and that you look at the kids and you your brain produces oxytocin which is this love feeling there's like all sorts of weird shit that goes on. I think that for a woman, and not all women, because there's women that do porn that have babies. They have families, and they've given birth, and then they go and just get gangbanged by giant dicks. And they love it.

They love it. You think they love it? I don't know. They say they love it. I have no reason to believe they're lying, and I don't want to love it. They love it. You think they love it? I don't know. They say they love it. I have no reason to believe they're lying and I don't want to ruin it. I don't know. They say they love it.

I think there's a lot of different people in the world, man. Think about a guy like you and some guy who's like really into accounting. There's got to be someone out there that enjoys doing people's books. There's got to be some... No, I enjoy it. There's got to be someone out there that enjoys doing people's books. No, I enjoy it. There's got to be someone out there that does that. That's a real person. So if there's a real person out there, of course there's a real

person who wants to pay for Sarah Lynch's shit. Or some real person who can do stand-up comedy. People are fucking weird. We vary so much. We vary so much. I mean, that's why there's so many different types of music and so many different types of movies and just human beings are fucking very strange.

But one big thing that does happen with a lot of them is they have kids and they change. Fucking really change. Yeah. Like, I have a fucking night and day. Yeah. I don't even know the guy i was before trying to get lap dances and like undo my zipper with your butt cheeks that kind of guy right i don't even fucking know that guy anymore i know that guy i've been drunk with that guy

i'll introduce you to him next time we get drunk again hey bert this is your other bert. This is the original Bert. He's still here. He's just dormant. He's like some alien virus. I always think if someone videotaped me jerking off, it would go... Like, you know, like, those, uh, the eye things and the max. Oh, yeah.

I was like, someone's got to be able to get in there. They already have. Yeah, I'm sure they have. And if they've done that, I'm just putting out the numbers of the honeypot. I gotta be folded in there somewhere. You just have to go all in, I've found.

The other day, I noticed my light was on and then I was frantically looking through all my programs to see which one was using my webcam. None of them were. And now I'm like,

all right, you know what? How long has this been going on? I've just straight been masturbating for these people for like a long time. You just have to accept it that they've seen you come many times. It's fun for them imagine be able to hack into your laptop and watch the machine jerk off sit and crisscross applesauce on a bed with a with a picking your

toes with a with no pausing in between jerking off every fucking time i'm not sure if i want to know this i'll tell you yeah crisscross applesauce on a mattress. That's how you do it? Yeah. You always sit like a Buddha? Indian style? Crisscross applesauce. You ever hear bosses joke

about sitting Indian style? No. When I was in first grade, the teacher told me to sit Indian style, so I got drunk and laid in the curb. Fucking love Rich Boss.

For the uninitiated, what exactly is Criss Cross Applesauce Sitting with your legs Sitting Indian style Is what we call it as kids And so then And then

Why do you remember that What Why do I remember that Because he has kids Criss Cross Applesauce Oh because I have kids You can't say You can't say like

Indian style Yeah you can't say Indian style You're getting in trouble now You can't say gypped You can't say like That's right Gypped is, you can't say Indian style. You're getting in trouble now. You can't say gypped. You can't say, like... That's right. Gypped is gypsies.

Yeah, and they're fucking in L.A. They are? Oh, God, yeah, man. Caravans? Fucking no. They're like these Russian gypsies, like lower... These Ukrainian gypsies live in there, and you cannot get them to fucking obey traffic laws at all. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I do, like, safety valet for our school. They'll come rolling in just in just and just don't give a fuck about anyone. You can't tell them anything. They just start fucking yelling at you and they literally don't give a fuck.

Is that your daughter's school? My daughter, both of my daughter's school, I ran into a black security guard. Why is he going to be black? Because he fucking was. And so, and so,

because you wouldn't say I ran into a white security guard. Yeah, I i wouldn't i just say i ran into a security guard what if he was mexican i ran to say mexican because because i'm about to do his accent so i i'd definitely be like so he just goes man these motherfuckers don't listen to shit i ain't racist or nothing but fuck fuck these russian motherfuckers whoa and i was like really i was like i know i but i get it man you come from a much harsher harsher place a place where you had to fight for fucking toilet paper and then you come here and you're like soft oh everyone's soft yeah soft little holes in our top of our heads still babies and the rush is just fucking just fuck these red lights fuck red lights yeah the word jip is a weird one because I never even knew what that meant until I realized only like a decade ago.

Oh, yeah, gypsy. Oh. You know? Leanne got lit up for saying one cotton pick a minute. Wait one cotton pick a minute. What? Yep. They still pick cotton though.

No, hold on. Who did this? Just a mom. Mom. An overly politically correct mom. Just, excuse me, I'd appreciate if you didn't use that kind of language. Leanne was like, wait, hold on. What are you talking about?

Because there's things when we said when kids, like, you call people ninnies. Well, I think that. What's a ninny? A ninny is a, I think it's a derivative of pick a ninny, which is a derivative of a young, small, black kid from the islands. But we got called ninnies all growing up, and I still say ninny is a, I think it's a derivative of pick a ninny, which is a derivative of a young, small black kid from the islands. So, but we got called ninnies all growing up and I still say ninny. I didn't know that one. And so Leanne was like, cotton pick a minute.

And they're like, cotton pick a minute has to do something with black people. And Leanne's like, and by the way, Leanne's been saying it her whole life and never, and she, my wife's a redneck, but had never heard that phrase. Right. And like her knew the definition she just knew that was a phrase so we looked it up turns out a cotton pick a minute has nothing to do with race it has to do with the fact that cotton is the most tedious crop to pick in the world so if you picked cotton for one minute it would feel like a year that makes sense yeah so when you say wait

one cotton pick a minute it says wait a little longer than a minute. Wait a long fucking minute. Right. But the men, everyone's so quick to be up and fucking outraged. Well, they're just looking for an opportunity to be outraged. I can't imagine that she was actually upset at someone saying one cotton pick a minute. Yeah. I can't imagine that. Yeah.

That's dumb. It's not just dumb. It's a sign of the times. We live in this time where there's a bunch of people out there that think they're doing good, that they're good people because they call people out and they shame people. It's so arbitrary. What you decide is negative. It's all about intent, right?

And when you say one cotton-picking minute, who the fuck is thinking about racism? Who's thinking a racist thought when you say that it's just a nice way of saying one motherfucking minute is what it is yeah yeah that chick was the racist for even putting the two together with that she's just a dummy there's a lot of them out there there's a lot of politically correct dummies like here's here's one that's super common that everybody wants to use you know the term faggot is a terrible term to use for gay folks. It's okay, though. Before you start this, I'm going to have to say that that has backfired

because that word has now aged like a fine wine. It's a beautiful word. We were throwing around way too much as kids, and now you only hear it on special occasions. And so you just saying that caught me so fucking off guard. I was like, fuck, man, I haven't heard that in a long time. It's like the machine story. It'll make a comeback.

But to call someone that for being gay is a terrible thing to do, right? It is a slur. It's a terrible thing to do. But to call someone that for being just a pussy is what we always did as kids. Well, we can't do that anymore because it's too problematic. It's too connected with that other word. But one of the things that drives me crazy is when they, you know, what is the entomology? What's the word?

Etymology? Etymology, right? The history of the origins of the word. They always like to say that it's about a bundle of wood because they used to light gay people on fire. What? That was on Louis' show. He repeated this false myth. That's not what it meant.

A bundle of wood meant you were, when they called you, it was like a burdensome woman. That's the way they described it. Like a bundle of wood is like something you had to carry that was really awkward and a pain in the ass. So that was a faggot of wood. So when you were acting like a pain in the ass. So that was a faggot of wood.

So when you were acting like a pain in the ass woman, like you would be a faggot. You'd be a bundle of wood that's such a pain to carry around. You'd be awkward and annoying. That's the origins of the word. So how did it get connected to gay people? Because it sounds great. It was because they used to light people on fire. Oh my God, you're a victim.

Yes, I am. So don't ever use that word again. It's so hurtful. People died. And sure, people have definitely died from being gay, but that's not the origins of that word. That fucking makes me angry. It's not like the whole world was lighting gay people on fire at one point.

Like it was a sport so much that it became a name. You connected them, which is called gay people kerosene. No, that's not true. That's point like it was a sport so much that it became a name you connected them which is called gay people kerosene no that's not true that's not what it was it was a bundle of wood was also like a burdensome woman that's the way they used to describe it you can like you can look up the origins of the word that makes me almost so much more sense for using it as kids when you called your friend abundant a bird of some burdensome woman yeah you call taking forever you faggot exactly you're taking forever, you faggot. Exactly.

Yeah. Stop crying, faggot. That has nothing to do with homosexuality. The homosexuality aspect of it was calling someone that if they're gay as a slur. Because if you think of the stereotypical gay man that gets mocked. It's like, oh my god. You know, the really femme and feminine which would be like a burdensome woman. So that's why they would call

those gay guys that slur. Holy shit, man. West Hollywood's like a faggot of gays. Right? A bundle of gays. Yes. If you wanted to use it for the original work. I wouldn't start dropping that in grouping out things I'll take a faggot of carrots

It became a cigarette. I'm not butchering that right look that up make sure I'm not butchering that 99% sure I'm not but it's also somehow another a fag became a cigarette Yeah, and that was a big one in England like in England They still say that can I call up a fag And they do that to each other and it has no context. There's nothing gay about it at all. It's like their word for that. It's just, you know, it's different. Like fanny for them is a vagina.

So if you have a fanny pack, I wear a fanny pack. They mock me hardcore. You have a vagina pack. Do you know what you're saying? You have a vagina pack. That's amazing that they say do you know what you're saying? Yeah. It's a f That's amazing that they say, do you know what you're saying? Yeah. It's a fanny pack.

Yeah. No, no, no. It's a bum bag. It's a bum bag. That's what they call them over there. They call them bum bags. Yeah. But the real problem with all this stuff is these forbidden words, taboo words, is words

aren't what's important. It's intent. And if you go around policing the world and stopping words from being used, you don't change people's intent. You don't do anything but be annoying. That's all you're doing. You're being an annoying person who is the voice of moral outrage. Excuse me, I would appreciate if you didn't say cotton picking minute because you know that black people pick cotton. Your white privilege doesn't allow you to say that black people pick cotton. Your white privilege doesn't allow you to see the black people pick cotton. Do you know what you're saying? Do you know what you're saying? You fucking racist.

Oh my god, you're a racist. I'm gonna shame you. I'm gonna blog. And they run home to their Tumblr account and blog about your wife. And lie about it. Oh yeah. Exaggerate. Everybody's a fucking victim today. Just exaggerate to such an extreme extent. It's like, it's so tiresome. It's like, stop.

And the reason why they do it is because it gets attention. It gets attention. That woman, now your wife had to talk to that woman. What? And your wife had to defend herself. What, me? Huh? Racist? And that woman's like, Oh, my wife's one of those people like uh like the guy that ran

formula one in britain which one there's a guy that ran formula one in britain that got caught in this like sex scheme the sex thing your wife's a pimp no no no no it's i read a book on shame on public shaming and there's all these examples and there's this one guy whose dad was a famous nazi like a nazi sympathizer and then he got caught in these S and M things where it looked like he was a Nazi. And it was like, the people were going to fucking slam him. And it said in the book,

the only way to get through public shaming is to not give a fuck about the shaming. Like if you're, if you don't, if you're like, you can't shame me cause I don't give a fuck. Well, isn't that funny with this Charlie Sheen story?

Cause that's how Charlie Sheen got through everything up until now. Not giving a fuck. Up until sucking a dick. Then it's like, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa! Whoa. I'll give you money.

So he did suck a dude's dick? Allegedly. I thought there was a video. You're getting everything third, fourth hand. Who the fuck knows what really happened? Allegedly, there's a video. I don't know. I don't know.

I haven't seen it. But the point being is that he always owned up to everything he did up until this. Everything he did up until this was like, who gives a fuck? Oh, well, that's me. Tiger blood winning. Tiger blood. Quote, unquote. Now, you know, I mean, he went on Matt Lauer, is that what it was?

And said that he had HIV. But you know what? HIV is a weird one, dude. Because medication that they have today is so effective. You take HIV medication and it doesn't even show up in your blood. I'd rather have that than Hep C. Oh, my God. There's so many. It's got this stigma attached to it,

right? But there's so many diseases that kill people that are quicker than like women die from HPV, which is like super common. A one of four people. Yeah. Women get cancer from that. They can get cancer from that and they can die from that.

That's way more common than a guy with HIV in the Western world who finds out about it, gets diagnosed and start taking medication. Way more common for a woman to die from that than it is for the guy to die from the HIV in 2015. 2015 is an amazing time to have HIV. You want to go get it, go get it. Go get it. You want it? It's like they don't have it licked in the point where they licked, where they have an injection that they can give you that cures it. But they have medication that make it undetectable. Him not telling the girls, though, do you think that's pretty fucked up, right? That's prison time.

It's definitely not nice. It's definitely not nice. I just feel like... I mean, I had to do the triangle, like, oh shit, did I sleep with somebody that slept with somebody that might have slept with him? I don't think you can get it that way. There's very little evidence that a man can get it through normal heterosexual intercourse. Herpes outbreak interperiod. I've been saying, by the way, I've been saying this for fucking years.

Yeah, it's not politically correct to say, but there's very little evidence. Here's the deal. If you could, if it was easy to get, I'm not saying it's impossible to get, because I'm obviously not a doctor and an idiot. But I think if it was possible or easy to get, Jesus Christ, everybody would have it. Ron Jeremy would have it. Well, that's what everybody was worried about in the 1990s. When AIDS started its rampant rage through the public eye Everybody was scared that everybody was gonna have it. I had my first AIDS test in 92 was HIV test

I guess I was getting insurance and I had to get an AIDS test. I was scared. Oh my god It was fucking terrified terrified Terrified and when it came back clean I was like yes Because you don't know I think all the times you got drunk and didn't use a condom and who knows what that girl had Who knows what it's just like there's no if it really was something that normal Heterosexual men got through normal intercourse the way it's been described to me by medical professionals Obviously not by knuckleheads on the internet because it's just

really difficult to get that because a man is injecting his dick inside of a girl and coming in a girl a woman's vagina on the other hand is an excellent candidate for reception because it's moist in there it's it's essentially open tissue you know you you can can, it's like, that's why some girls take drugs that way. That's why people take drugs anally, too. Why you take like an anal suppository, like dudes will take ecstasy anally. They'll take an ecstasy pill and stuff it up their ass, and it'll melt down, break down, and get into their bloodstream. Yeah.

People do, people have done DMT. I heard people drinking beer, drinking. Can kill you. Yeah. Can kill you, because it goes through right into your blood. Yeah, that's real dangerous, man, because it's not going through your stomach. You can get fucked up from putting alcohol, like vodka up your asshole. Vodka tampons, right.

Vodka tampons. Yeah. Girls soak tampons in vodka and stuff them in their pussy. And then go to the club? And get lit. But they have fresh minty breath. Their breath is perfect. Go back to this AIDS thing.

I had some people one night, and I was drunk. I was in Atlanta. But I had some people from the CDC at my show. And they were saying exactly what you're saying to me. Yeah. Because I said something about, I don't know, I forget. I'm sure I made a joke. And they came out and they set me straight.

They're like, listen, it's very, oh, my first, not worth telling but one of the I got an AIDS test in 95 and uh one of the first jokes I ever wrote ever before I was a comedian I remember waiting the results and saying think positive no no think negative think negative no think positive or think negative like so I was and I was like I was waiting in the waiting room and I thought that's funny like you want a positive result but you want a negative positive result and I was joking in the waiting room, and I thought, that's funny. You want a positive result, but you want a negative positive result. And I was joking in my head. I said this, and then they came out, and they said, no, it's exactly what you just said. Yeah, it's very hard to get, apparently.

And this seems to be a consensus. I wouldn't say something like this to try to encourage people to not use condoms. But it just seems like through... Now, gay sex, on the other hand, if you're having gay anal sex, same thing. You're dealing with like open tissue. It's not skin. It's not the same. You know, it's not the same as the skin on the out.

If you come on someone's back, I'm pretty sure they're not going to get AIDS. But if you come in their butthole and you've got the hiv, weird things can happen. Skin on skin, man. I think there's a lot of scary diseases out there, man. I think we're super lucky that we live in this amazing time as far as like modern medicine and what they can figure out and not figure out. But it's always going to be weirdest when diseases come through sex. Because like Ebola is scary as fuck and malaria is the scariest of all time.

Malaria has killed, ready for this? This is a fact. Malaria has killed half of the people that have ever died ever. What? Yep. Half the people that have ever died on the planet Earth ever were killed by malaria. Out of all the reasons why people died, car accidents, plane crashes, AIDS, cancer, malaria killed half of the people that have ever died ever. How's that possible?

Because malaria is a motherfucker. Malaria kills millions of people. We just don't hear about it because we don't get malaria in California. We don't get malaria in America. But if you're in Africa, you are fucking terrified of malaria. Hold on. Black, okay, this is not a fact that I'm sure is right, but black people with sickle cell anemia develop the sickle cell gene to defend against malaria, correct? Whoa, I never heard that before.

Jamie, can someone help find type in sickle cell malaria wow that's interesting if true it's something to do with the sickle cell uh gene is what is what protects black people in africa from malaria because the body tried to fight it i only know this because when we were traveling to africa we had to take malaria pills and they fucked me up they really fucked i heard they cripple you. Oh, my dreams were like insane. I've heard people say that they would rather get malaria than deal with the malaria medication. Because they get malaria, then they just get antibiotics and get it taken care of. Mystery solved.

How sickle cell hemoglobin protects against malaria. Wow. Yeah, I learned that in Africa from a black dude. He goes, how come you're not taking malaria medicine? And he said, I'm black. A new article is likely to help solve one of the longstanding mysteries of biomedicine. In a study that challenges currently held views, researchers unraveled the molecular mechanism whereby sickle cell hemoglobin confers a survival advantage against malaria. Wow. That's racist. I have aers a survival advantage against malaria. Wow.

That's racist. I have a buddy that died of sickle cell. A guy I used to train with back in Boston, my friend Walter. Really? Yeah, he was like a really talented taekwondo fighter, and he would come in and train really hard for a short period of time, and then he would get sick. And he was always one of those guys

that everybody was like where's walter like where's he was like super talented really good but he would get sick and he just couldn't compete and then he would get better and he would just look like a world beater he was like really fucking good really talented really smart just knew knew how to fight and then just kept getting sickle cell just kept getting worse and getting better and this is like early 80s 84 that's when it was taking out brothers left and right yeah maybe even earlier than that might have been 82 dewey selman leroy selman played for the bucks dewey selman was a defensive back and dewey selman had sickle cell anemia that was the first time i ever heard of it but i remember telling my dad i think i have sickle cell anemia because I'd heard it do itself an accident. My dad was like, are you black?

And I was like, I don't think so. That's amazing that it came from malaria. Yeah. Well, it makes sense. I mean, your body or the human body has got to try to figure out some way to get over this hump. This is the most deadly disease I think ever. If I had to guess, I would say malaria is is the most deadly disease I think ever. If I had to guess, I would say malaria is probably the most deadly

disease ever. But everybody's scared of AIDS. I'll tell you what, rabies is pretty fucking bad. Because I got bit by a bat in Costa Rica. Very bad. And I thought I had... I was like, I got bit by a bat, I should get the rabies shot. And they were all, you know, Costa Rica's like, pura vida, man, pure life,

don't worry now You fine. We don't have rabies down here I'd be fine, and then I go back and I come back to you know get my shots to go again They said you want a rabies shot. I said I've been bit by a bat once and the lady freaked and like laid it on me She was like she was you know there's no Recovery from rabies like if you do in fact have rabies you will die from rabies no, that's not true 100% No, no, they give you an injection. Nope. Not one person

has ever not gotten bit by rabies, gotten the shots in two days, within two days, and ever lived. Ever fucking lived. So everybody who gets rabies, even if you get the shots inside two days, you still die? No, you have to get the shots within two days. And then you live?

And then you live, yes. But if you don't get the shots... Oh, I see what you're saying. So if you don't get the shots, you still die? No, you have to get the shots within two days. And then you live? And then you live, yes. But if you don't get those shots... Oh, I see what you're saying. So if you don't get the shots, you're dead? 100%. Wow. Five months later, you're just sitting in a bed and you start feeling sick. Rabies is scary, man. It starts with a sore back. How many fucking times did I lay in a hotel bed going, God damn it, my rabies is

kicking in. Your rabies. I'm fucking scared man are you a hypochondriac come on joe i'm worse than you have no you ever heard about when i thought i got genital warts what happened oh did you like get a magnifying magnifying glass and no look at little individual cells no that one looks weird no but i did sit with my balls and dicks in a bowl of vinegar watching quantum leap drinking 40 why vinegar because i don't know man i got fucking obsessed right no vinegar will tell you if you have genital warts so that's hilarious it'll tell you hey man you got the warts it'll whisper to you yeah this is bad you look down it's an exclamation point

you never have one of those times where you just looked at your dick a bunch Like you like have sex one night and the next day like like kind of giving your dick a once-over and you're like wait What the fuck is that? It's kind of amazing how rarely guys do give their dick a once-over like how often do you like? Look to the right flip them upside down so you at me like I got him pinned in jujitsu. Stare at your sack underneath in the mirror. Is that left ball bigger? Was it just from fucking?

Was it just like a sore from fucking too hard? Well, it started out as nothing. It started off with a one night stand and I was working at Barnes and Noble and I went into the bathroom and I was looking at my dick nonstop. And then I started looking at those web journals those med not web med med journals and then I and then I and then I was like oh you know what like like and this is I don't know if anyone has obsessive compulsive uh hypochondria this is how it works you're like you know what I'm gonna be fine I'm gonna go get some stuff at CVS put it on my balls I won't notice anything in the morning and next you know you're rubbing lotions and tenactin and

fucking putting shit all over your balls and dicks thinking you're going to fix something. And then it looks worse the next day. And then you're like, all right, listen, all I got to do is I got to, I'm going to do the tenactin. I'm going to stay with the tenactin. And then I'm going to dip my balls and dick in a bowl of vinegar tonight. And that'll tell me. And the next thing you know, your dick and balls have just been getting a fucking beating for like two days and they don't look normal anymore.

And now you can't stop fucking with them. You're literally like fucking with your dick. Oh my God, you're so obsessive. I'm not the only one that's been through this. I know there are people that have done this. A lot of guys out there pickling their balls and dick. Pickling their, and you just, and then you're in Philly, and you can't stop looking at your dick.

You're just like nonstop. Why does it have to be Philly? Because that's where I went. I went to Philly. I went to Philly with my cousin Abe and I stayed in his place and I was fucking looking at my... Hey, cousin Abe, come take a look at my cock. Get some vinegar. Every conversation you

start starts with like, you know, General Wurst is very common. Oh my god. And then it went, it took, I mean, I'll be very honest about this. I went to a dermatologist in Tampa. I like spiraled out my mom like said

come home you're fucking something's going wrong with you I flew home and I was like I'm fine you had to fly home to deal with this

and it wasn't even genital warts wasn't even by the way dipping your dick in vinegar you gotta get on a plane like Jesus Christ

and by the way use hydrogen peroxide it's way better than vinegar is that shit yeah why are you using vinegar you're just gonna start either way we didn't have the internet back then Hell? Jesus Christ. And by the way, use hydrogen peroxide. It's way better than vinegar. Yeah, why are you using vinegar? You're just going to start using it. We didn't have the internet back then. We didn't have the internet back then.

Don't marinate your dick. Just don't. Just don't. Don't try any home remedies. Did you even bother Googling it? Google wasn't around. Oh, that's right. This was right when I moved to New York, probably 1997.

So yeah, you'd have to get an encyclopedia. And do you know how hard those were to thumb through? Yeah. Does anyone remember the Dewey Decimal System? Yeah. That fucking was so complicated to me. I never learned it, and I never had to. Do they even cover that kind of stuff?

If you got an encyclopedia or a medical encyclopedia, would they talk about dick warts and home remedies like pickling your dick and vinegar? Where would you get that data pickling dick and vinegar? I probably did get from the internet the internet was around It just wasn't like what it is today There was those books as home remedy books like medical books though My mom used to have like like kind of a book that like if you have a fever and you don't have tyenol Try this general warts in that though. I'm sure they had something. They had general warts back then. I wonder if they talked about it, though, because there's a certain innocence to that time where they like to sweep stuff under the rug and not talk about it for the longest

time. I wonder. I wonder how much of that was discussed. They probably called something different back then, too, like Indian mounds or something. What? I don't know if that's right. But I'll tell you what, there wasn't a lot of information back then, and it was just what you'd get was like literally what you'd get on the internet now

if your battery was dying. Like that's the kind of internet information you'd get. Well, that's why AIDS was so scary. There was no information. Nobody knew. Yeah, I mean, you would have to wait until a news report came out to find out how you could get it and how you couldn't get it. When's the vaccine coming? 2020 was how people found out about AIDS.

Yeah, man. Stop and think about that. Unless you read some Newsweek article. You had to read some article, and then it was up to the person writing the article. They had a tremendous responsibility to get the facts right which they don't always do you know and then the facts change especially when it comes to science and medicine like the facts they change you know they find out new discoveries they have to backdate things they have to change things they have to fit all well

now there's a great I believe it was radio lab there was a great yes it was Radiolab. There was a great, yes, it was Radiolab, on patient zero. And it was all on the origins of AIDS, how it happened. And they think it happened from a hunter in Africa. They think that it was a combination of two different diseases that different monkeys got. And they probably got it from eating each other. monkeys got and they probably got it from eating each other and that a hunter who killed a monkey and was cutting the meat up must have cut his hand and gotten that monkey blood in his in his body so the virus got into him and that was the origins of hiv and then he was gay fucking fascinating had nothing to do with gay well i mean if he, if he was, okay, well, oh, if he just had sex with a woman.

Might have had sex with a woman or it might, it's just by virtue of the way men have sex, gay men have sex. It made it easier for them to spread it. More susceptible. Yeah, more susceptible. And then on top of it, there's the gay community loves to party, you know, and that's like a big thing that that Peter Duesberg guy that we had on that was super controversial, man. I never had more people get mad at me than- Was that the one with you and Brian Callen?

Yes. And that guy, I heard that one. He's a professor of biology at the University of California, Berkeley, and he has this insanely controversial viewpoint on AIDS. And 90, but let me just say this before I repeat what he believes, that 99% of the people that are in his field disagree with him. This is a very, very small people, small percentage of people. It might just be him. So this is, but this is his, his fringe belief. He believes that HIV is actually a weak virus. And he said that what it is a symptom of

is a compromised immune system and that your immune system is compromised from drugs. And one of the things that he connected is the amount of people that die from AIDS complications that were heavy drug users in the gay community. And it's overwhelming. Crazy numbers, crazy numbers because they do emulonitrate and poppers,

which are poppers, and meth. And they just love to party because they don't have kids that but fucking whoo seven great old haircuts having a good time man so it was his contention that HIV was just a symptom that their immune system was already fucked up and that if if we looked at it correctly instead of from a social point of view, everybody's looking at it as like a social stigma, and it's something that can't be questioned because it's such a blight on the gay community, and we should all rally and help them, and you can't question what's actually going on. They obviously have a disease that's killing them off, and we need research and funding.

And he was saying, what, you get outside of that cloud of emotion that's attached to this and politically correct thinking and one common denominator you see with these people with a lot of them is heavy drug use so what he believed is that your immune system gets shattered from doing all the drugs and then when they test you hiv shows up but the reason hiv is there is like if you were healthy your body would battle the hiv now hiv researchers think he's out of his fucking mind but they are saying that there is ways to make it so that hiv doesn't show up in people's bodies exactly yes that's that's more recently that's within the last i believe the last decade or so i think those things are called protease

inhibitors and i think that's one of the ways that they, uh, have figured out how to, I think they have even better stuff now. Um, I don't know what the latest in HIV medication is, but if they have something that could, uh, make it get to that point, you would kind of assume that that would like, I know, I know a few people actually that have it, that have HIV and they take the drugs and they are one of our friends works the Comedy Store and They are Unperceptible and in deceptive you don't you know what's the word?

Unperceivable thank you. You can't you can't test it when you test them they show up negative But he knows that he has it somehow or another it's like dormant in the system And if his immune system drops down and gets all fucked up, like if he parties too hard or something like that, and he doesn't take his medication, maybe it would come back. See, that doesn't necessarily mean that Duesberg is right. It seems very complicated. It seems like doing the drugs doesn't help.

That's what it seems like to me. To say that doing the drugs is the reason that these people get AIDS, it's not the HIV and the drugs are what's compromising their immune system, that's not necessarily true because there's not a lot of people that are just getting HIV and then getting better on their own with no drugs, with no medication. So it could be that one thing we all know is that doing a lot of drugs is bad for your body. So when they're doing crystal meth and amyl nitrate and they're getting crazy and not getting any sleep, that's terrible for your body. And any disease that you have when your body's already wrecked is going to have a better grip on you. That's just a fact. We all know that. That's with the common cold, with the flu, with anything.

You have the flu and you get fucking hammered and start doing meth, you're going to feel like shit, you know, because your body's already wrecked. Your immune system's already torched. So I don't necessarily think that his conclusions make a lot of sense to me, a non-scientific, non-medical person. I think he probably, one of the reasons why all these people are angry at him is because he's jumped to some unscientific conclusions or some conclusions at least that they don't think are scientific. Or just politically incorrect.

Definitely politically incorrect. But these guys are researchers, man. They've spent decades. The cynical point of view is that people that are conspiracy theorists would say, know hey the money is in the treatment not in the cure man yeah you know what they want to do is they want to continue making money you'd have to be extremely cynical to think that that's the case like they say that about cancer but they kind of know how to stop cancer in a lot of ways they could prevent a significant amount of cancer. If people just cleaned up their diet, cleaned up their diet, started eating healthy and exercising, that would stop a lot of it. A lot of it. What percentage? I don't know. But if you cut sugar out of

your diet and you started eating healthy and you started exercising on a daily basis, how many people would be way healthier than they are now? Probably a lot. There's definitely people that get cancer because of genetics. It's not all of it is due to poor diet and stress. But that can't help. When your immune system's going bonkers, and you're fucking tired and stressed out all the time, that shit ain't good. But it does, you know, so it's all,

it's everyone's looking for a one or the other. They're looking to point the finger at, like, one source. And I think it's a combination of a bunch of different things that makes you wrecked. See, I to point the finger at one source. I think it's a combination of a bunch of different things that makes you wrecked. See, I always thought the CIA created AIDS. Did you hear that presidential thing that came out this week? It's like you didn't even listen.

Ronald Reagan. And Gorbachev? No, no, like them talking about HIV and AIDS in the early days. Pretty much, they were just making fun of it. And people were like, is the president going to mouth-to-mouth kiss? They weren't taking it serious at all. The press was like,

are you guys not taking AIDS serious? Are HIV serious? They just continued to joke about it, like Reagan's administration and stuff like that. There was a whole audio about it. You remember that woman who was a publicist who made that joke on Twitter? Justine Sacco. That's a book I read. So You've Been Publicly Shamed.

Yeah. Oh, okay. John Ronson. Yeah. Yeah. Justine Sacco was, I mean, it fucking destroyed her life. Now, I'll tell you what, I'm this far out of it. The stuff I read in the book, like where she works now and I've heard stories about her

now, I won't even share because I don't like public shaming. I don't think it works and I don't think it benefits anyone. I won't even share because I don't like public shaming. I don't think it works, and I don't think it benefits anyone. I think it just makes the people that shame good. Wait a cotton-picking minute. I don't like what you're saying. I don't like it. I don't like it either. I think, again, it's what we were saying earlier.

It's these people that are just looking to be outraged. That's a big part of it. There's some things that you probably should to be outraged. That's a big part of it. There's some things that you probably should shame people for, like Bill Cosby. Like, if you want to go around drugging and raping women, yeah, you should be shamed for that. But really, you should be prosecuted.

If you're not prosecuted, then definitely shamed. But, like, get prosecuted. Let him go to fucking jail. And I don't really care to shame him. Just send him away. He's definitely experiencing hell, right? Whether they lock him in a cage or not I don't give a fuck if that guy's living in the lap of luxury he's experiencing hell because he's

gone from being a guy who's been loved his entire career he's like revered he's like you look at him he's one of the great if you had a Mount Rushmore of stand up comedy you'd have to put Bill Cosby's head on there you'd have to yeah but he's impervious to he's impervious to shame I bet I bet he's like a great white shark no chance he was so fucking condescending to everyone he spoke to i heard oh yeah i didn't hear he ever fucking met someone

with like hey man i'm bill nice to meet you so like just staring down like dc benny's got a story just the way he treated him and dc was like what a fucking dick what happened i don't know i'm fucking it was probably 12 years ago that i heard the story so for me to repeat it start making up just the way he treated him. And DC was like, what a fucking dick. What happened? I don't know. I'm fucking, it was probably 12 years ago that I heard the story. So for me to repeat it would be. You start making up stuff. DC walks into his trailer

and Bill Cosby's raping this woman. And DC's like, I do a great impression of you and started doing it as Bill Cosby's raping the woman. The girl starts waking up. She hears Bill Cosby. Bill's like,

not cool, man. I don't use my voice with them. And that's, I mean, that's what DC told me. Did he have like a Luke Cador mask on? That's what I heard. Yeah, I think you're right. One of the Mexican wrestling masks. That's what I heard.

I think so. Old school Bill Cosby. Yeah. What were you going to say about Justine Sacco? Oh, well, that's a perfect story when you talk about someone like cracking a joke about AIDS. You know, she, Matissa was like fairly recently, she was talking about going to Africa. She goes, I think the exact quote was, I'm going to Africa, hoping I don't get AIDS. LOL, just kidding, I'm white.

Yeah. Jesus. She was just, and she tried to say, I think, that it was like, that she was pointing out the disparity of how white people did it. She just did a poor job at, please, bitch, you're cracking a joke. She was in that first generation of funny girl. No, I'm going to say girls only because they ran the internet at this time. They ran Twitter.

Was she black too? No, no. There was a bunch of girls that, women that overtook and showed people how funny women were on the internet there's jenny johnson high five jenny molin jenny johnson high five is very funny fucking really she says some really funny shit and slash lean our friend slash from toronto kelly oxford yeah they're all funny ass women and she was in that first generation of those women who would post outrageous shit jenny uh kenny kelly oxford's posted one time and i lost it but i lost it laughing and she deleted it she was afraid

of it i think was that uh women who like men's women who wear pads love to smell their menstruation whoa and i love that i just thought it was my wife's like my wife would never wear a pad like in her life i remember someone offered a pags she had her period she's like what pad i don't put a sock in my fucking pants what are you fucking kidding me pad people hate tampon people i've noticed yeah it's like a war going on pc and mac yeah the first pc and mac first generation but that's a while ago not not like friends with them but she was funny that generation of she had had a bunch of outrageous tweets. But I think Justine Sacco was in that group of women. She was?

I didn't know that. In the book I read from John Ronson, that she was just outrageous and funny and would say the inappropriate things. And then all of a sudden, there's a young lady who worked with mentally disabled adults who took a picture at Arlington Cemetery where it said, please be quiet and be respectful.

Yeah. And she did this like fake yelling and flipping off thing. The girl's life got destroyed. Yeah. Destroyed. And apparently her thing was posting and like an over the top girl picture.

She got destroyed to the point where she didn't, she's like, I don't want to get my name cleansed because I'm afraid I'll come back up in the thing. Whoa. Because they can now clean your name. Here's the funny pictures of her doing the opposite of whatever the sign said.

Right. The sign said no smoking, her with a cigarette and a lighter. Yeah. No, that's the professional. They go through, they do it a lot. I think they do it for sex offenders whoa and uh my reading comprehension skills aren't tops but like for people that don't want their name on the internet for whatever the fuck they did guys that have been convicted of

rape right and so what they do is they basically you pay them and then they flood the internet with websites that your name comes up on and fake pop-up, like you go to the website and it says temporarily unavailable or whatever. And they just flood the internet with that so that when you do find Justine Sacco, which is number seven on the list and number one is semi-final medalist for this. Ran a 5K. Okay, so they just add shit to the internet to flood the water, so it makes it more difficult to find information about you. Right.

That would be the smart thing to deal with if somebody was fucking with you. Hire someone to write complete fiction about you all the time, like all day long, like just make up shit, like to the point where it's like finely, thinly veiled, like it's very difficult to tell like what's true, what's not, like almost like an onion story and just hire someone to do that all day. So like if Justine Sacco had like a pile of cash, if she was a Scrooge McDuck and she just sat back with all her cash and said, you know what, I'm just going to hire a team of creative writers. Did you just tell my story? what's that like to just tell her story make up

stories all day long about things that she did like constantly and make them some of them seem reasonable and some of them seem completely ridiculous i hate to say this you're that guy what do you mean no because you i remember do you uh you i'm sure you remember hate to say this no but like no but like what you're saying is with in this fan base like that you have there are people that you know hear stories and half truths do you remember the time when everyone thought you really killed a mountain lion with a belt nobody thought that you'd have to be so retarded to think that then i guess i didn't think it either did you think it oh dude there were a lot of people that like hey, hey, man, tweet at me.

Did Rogan really? And there were people going, no, he got it. Brian didn't get tricked. I'll tell you that. Who said it? Who said it? It was a parody website. It was like an Onion-type website.

Oh, but it got out there, and I didn't read the website. Hold on. Hold on. I didn't read the website. But you were going to be hammered when you heard that story. I don't know. There you go. It just sounds fake knowing Joe.

It's like a mountain lion. I would tell you. How the fuck would you get a belt around a mountain lion's neck? You know how hard that would be? I was fucking almost texting you. My own sister asked me if it's true. How sad is that? You know, there's a kid that I know that gets bullied.

And I told him the same thing about, like, you should go online, take the bully's name, and, like, really just throw all this fake stuff on there, make fake websites about him, and ruin the guy online. That's, like, nowadays the best way to get back at a bully, like, anonymously. I mean, you can, but, I mean, at the end of the day, the bully's still the same guy. You're not really hurting him. You know, you're not changing anything by making up a bunch of shit. Until the whole high school or the middle school sees these websites and he's getting bullied for being, you know,

like pictures of him and Leonardo DiCaprio kissing. He should be laughing at that unless he's an idiot. Do you want me to push this your way? Make it look real. Here, take it. Thank you. What is that? What is that?

Soda. Soda water? Yeah, it's clean. Do you want something else? Sprite or something? Or soda water. What's the best? I don't usually drink vodka.

Something that has flavor. Okay, give me some flavor. If you're Brian and pre-diabetic, yes. No, not Diet Coke. Do you think Brian's pre-diabetic? Do you watch his? He said no. Brian said no.

Do you watch his Periscopes? He went on a website and definitely he's not. He was telling me his eyes weren't working correctly. And I'm like, you know, that's a symptom of diabetes. I definitely don't have it. Like, okay. You drink all the time. You don't want your food.

Was that good? Coconut water? Ooh, really? Did you get tested for diabetes, Brian, or are you just hoping? Did you get tested? Yeah, I got fully tested. The only thing I had was a little bit of lack of vitamin D, which is, I guess, normal. Or being outside. It's called being

outside, Brian. That's the only thing you had? Yeah. Brian, you want one? Vitamin D is a pretty normal ailment, or a pretty normal thing to be deficient in. Jaundiced. It's jaundiced. Is that what it is? Yeah. Well, George and I are both jaundiced, and you'd have to sit and hold them by the sun, like by the window

and let the sun hit them. And then you'd watch them turn from yellow to white. I don't know if that's true. I just remember hearing that they turn from yellow to white. How bizarre is it that your body produces a vitamin from the sun? Like the sun hits you, and it actually produces vitamin D. And I had a convertible, and I live in Los Angeles, and I still was that. You really need to be actually out there.

We're very rarely out in the sun. Right. When was the last time you were sunburned? Without going to a tanning bed? That shit's not good either. Tanning bed. I have a friend who just got... My friend Cameron Haynes,

he just got a big chunk of his face cut off. What? Skin cancer. How did it start? Not tanning beds. No, no. How did it start? He had like a weird mole on his face.

I'm a moley guy, and it's scary because a lot of my moles look like they should be cancer, but then you get them checked, and you're like, no, if it turns red and starts to spread and stuff. He had some weird thing on his face. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. Tell me about camera. I'm more interested in camera hands. He had some weird thing on his face, and I went to the doctor, and they check it, and

they're like, yep, you got to cut it out. They make an appointment, and they sliced him like a box cutter, like he was in a war with a gangbanger. Cut his face open, stitched it back up. They took a big chunk out of his face. Now, does Cameron use sunscreen when he goes hunting? No, I don't think so. Probably doesn't when he runs either.

He runs a lot. He's a beast right yeah he's he's doing he's getting ready now for a a double ultra marathon it's something called the bigfoot race it's 200 plus miles i think it's 204 miles no yep it's two days these guys are i had a sound guy that was uh james deemer who does uh who does those ultra marathons yeah cams done a bunch He's not a bunch. He's done a bunch of marathons, but I think he's done three 100 mile runs and one of them he actually did a 24-hour race and he went a hundred and six miles I think it was something like that something crazy like that hundred six and Now he's gonna essentially double that or close to it

that's fucking insane yeah but you know what i'll say this uh guys like cameron and uh who's the guy who had the show on travel channel i can't remember his name right now but he's a good friend of yours also steve ranella steve ranella they've made hunting uh cool again yeah like i like i listen to those stories. When I was a kid, hunting was about waking up early and going out with your dad and fucking being tired and cold in the car and then going out

and then possibly someone would hit you with buckshot at some point in the day. But now it seems like these adventures, which almost as a man, like my wife got chickens and I understand she's never been more happy about a project in her life. It seems like these adventures, which almost, as a man, like my wife got chickens, and I understand she's never been more happy about a project in her life. And she got it from your wife.

When we went to your house, she saw that. She thought it was so fucking cool. She'd been talking about it forever, finally gets the chickens. Every morning she lets the chickens out. She talks to them. She's trained them so they'll come up and get on her. And I watch that, and it's a primal instinct that's inherent in humans is to almost, I want to plow my own field. I want to do my own work.

I want to feel like I did something. And those guys, when I listen to y'all do podcasts about it, it makes me want to go hunting. And I told you, I've never killed an animal. I don't know if I'd be cool with it. I don't know that I'd – I've killed a couple animals. I take that back but you've had a pig roast at your house i've killed animals i've definitely killed animals but never like never with a shotgun never the gun never the bow and arrow but it makes it seem like hey man i might need this in my life that sounds so fucking stupid but i might need this in my life to get out into nature with me and a gun and be afraid

because you're in the jungle or you're in the woods and a bear might roll up on you. What you are out there to hunt might roll up on you and get, it's like this fight club, cut your fingernails because you're fighting type thing. And I just started going back out to that place we shot shotguns and shooting sporting clays because I was like, I was like, maybe this will be like a new form of therapy or maybe this will be like a new thing that blossoms into me growing. Does that make any sense? Yeah, it does make sense. It's like the shotgun, the way you were explaining it,

I've never done that sporting clay stuff, but it sounds really fun. What it is is, well, you can explain it, but you go out there and there's a course and all these things pop up and you shoot them. But you're going through this course, and as you're going through this course, some of them are rolling on the ground. Some of them, they shoot up, they launch them in the air, and there are these clays, just like those same sort of things, right? It's 15 different stations that you go to. You can go to 15 different stations, and they're all set up differently to be different types of birds, right? Like those discs. Yeah, it's 15 different stations that you go to. You can go to 15 different stations. And they're all set up differently to be different types of birds, different types of animals.

So, like, some will be like a rabbit where the clay rolls on the ground out in front of you. But the real sport in it, and I've got to be honest with you, it's like fine-tuning your machine where you get up there, you have your gun, your shotgun and uh we did the two shot double top and bottom you know right and you out there and you go pull and your buddy hits the button behind you and all of a sudden two things come out of the woods and you don't know where they're coming from and you don't know where and you just feel like fuck just and you try to get

it and then there is this thing that hits on your head and hits in your fucking cerebellum where you're like i couldn't feed my family today. Like, you get done, you're like, I couldn't have fed my family today. I couldn't have fed myself or my family. I'd be back in the woods tomorrow. Right. And it was, it's cool, man. I wish I could remember the right name of the place to say it so people would go there.

But it was, I mean, it's fucking packed. But the day we went, sun was setting. I posted a video on my YouTube page because we were walking doing the walk and a deer just walked across us Oh, and we have fucking shotguns and a deer just walked across I go we could fucking kill it like we have loaded shotguns But we're shooting sporting clay. It's more like what the fuck might not really even kill it You wouldn't even just fuck up a tide you would hurt it You heard it pretty bad because you're shooting Spray those little tiny pellets you would need a slug like they use slugs to hunt deer with a shotgun

that's the one thing about that video is I posted it I was like hunters and Anti gun people will both hate this video cuz hunters were like you couldn't fucking kill it right and anti-gun people like how you have Why do you have guns so I'm like right in that window of stupid can kill it. And anti-gun people are like, why do you have guns? So I'm like right in that window of stupid... Well, what's going on is when you're out there and those things are running by, you're forced to

focus on them. And when you're forced to focus on the clay rolling on the ground or the one launching through the air, it takes you away from your problems and your troubles. It takes you away from thinking about all the other things that are going on in the back of your brain constantly, whether it's bills or stress or schedule or travel. You're on the road, yeah.

I mean, you're constantly doing things, and you have all these obligations and all these people tugging at you all the time. Dude, and it just happens. The second you get kids, you commit to all that shit. It's like growing up, I talked to my therapist about it, and he was like, when did your stress start? When did you start really caring, giving a fuck? I finally gave a fuck when I had kids. And then you go out hunting, and you're like, I don't know, I don't know.

It takes you back to society fucks up what being a man is about so much. They make you overthink it and not let you be it. And sometimes when you're a man, it's fucking someone call me a bro comic. And I'm like, I'm just a fucking person. I happen to have a perspective because I have a dick. And if that's my perspective, call me a bro comic and i'm like i'm just a fucking person i happen to have a perspective because i have a dick and if that's my perspective call me a bro comic that's fine but like but like uh i don't even know what the fuck i was saying that's such a weird pejorative that bro pejorative is so funny people love using it to dismiss anything anybody says yeah if you're into manly type activities you have to be a bro. You should be ashamed of your gender, Burt Kreischer.

I fucking love MMA. I get kicked out of bars when Conor McGregor wins. That's how I got kicked out of a fucking Buffalo Wild Wings. What? I got kicked out of Buffalo Wild Wings twice this year. What? Two Buffalo Wild Wings. Conor McGregor's win, I got kicked out, and I got kicked out in Utah

because I was standing up and drinking a beer. Whoa. Hold on. Let's go to the Conor McGregor one first, and then we'll visit the Utah one. Okay. Because I need to know about this. So you're watching the UFC. They're playing it in the bar.

Yeah. So when you're playing the UFC, anytime you're there, you've been to one lot. Can I stop you? I'm going to jump ahead of you for two seconds next to us is a man and his wife probably 25 with their

two year old child watching this fight in Ohio so whatever time it happened where you were at it's Ohio so it's like probably like 10 10 at night I'm gonna say I'm gonna probably say 11 by the time McGregor got on on oh okay you're watching the main event right yeah

I'm watching well I'm watching all the fights but Conor McGregor two hour difference precious Irish three hour difference oh that's even later than that then yeah yeah okay so there's a child on with an iPad right uh so it's probably like 12 it's probably midnight and there's a child there so we're watching I bring my whole crew out we're on the road and i'm like this is the one thing that makes you sane on the road is like one thing that makes you really kind of makes me touch into life is like you're on the road you're working and then my cameraman john manns will always be like hey usc's on tonight come on we gotta go watch rogan and like so my whole crew will go out we'll go to buffalo wild wings they always show it and we'll all watch it and when you comment like one of the fun things like you know people that don't know they're

like you know that guy and i'm like yeah it's it's like but it's a connection to life where you're like i'm lost on the road and then you hear a friend on tv and you're like i'm back in and this is the shit i like and we're men and we're watching ufc conor mcgregor is fucking losing that fight it looks like he's losing that fight and the last last minute, he comes in, and I've been cheering for him the whole fucking time, and everyone in Ohio hates this motherfucker, and I am cheering for him the whole time because he's a precious Irish saint, and the second he knocks him out

or fucking takes him down or whatever, however he ended it, shirt comes off, and I'm like, that's what's up, motherfuckers! That's what's up! That's against the license they have for serving food, having no shirt on. Yeah, you can't take your clothes off at a fine dining establishment like Buffalo Wild Wings. Listen, I didn't say I wasn't guilty.

BW3s was it. I'm just telling you why I got... How did you describe Conor McGregor in an angel or something? Precious Irish Saint. Precious Irish Saint. We don't get many of those. You get Ricky Patton. You get Conor McGregor.

Ricky Patton. Whatever his name was, Joe. Dick Van Patten. Dick Van Patten. Berenstain. You get Ricky Patton. You get Conor McGregor. Ricky Patton. Whatever his name was, Joe. Dick Van Patton. Dick Van Patton. Berenstain. You get Ricky Patton. We fucking love those guys, man. There are fucking, the guys we had to go, see, told you we're not that bad.

That's funny. That's hilarious. But the shirt coming off got you kicked out. So they grab you and that's it. The guy grabs me and he goes, hey, you can't take your shirt off in a Buffalo Wild Wings. And I go, I'll put it back on. He goes, and then he goes, there's a child here. I go, hold on.

Don't use that defense. We're watching a fucking blood sport on TV. The child's been watching two shirtless guys. Don't fucking light me up for being the fucking, start with them, kick them with the kid out, then kick me out. So I got kicked out of that one. What if the kid's gangster and likes fighting? He wouldn't even watch.

He was on an iPad the whole time. Maybe one day he will. He'll take it in peripherally. Yeah. The roar of the crowd. I want to inspire them. Father, teach me to fight. The most ridiculous one is Buffalo Wild Wings.

I'm standing up having a beer. Guy comes up to me. He's like, hey, man, I can't have you doing that. I need you to sit down. I didn't realize you can't stand and have a beer in Utah. Right. That's illegal to stand and drink a beer. So when you go to a bar in Utah, everyone's seated?

You have to be seated. You can't be walking around. You can't be, like, standing at a bar. So you can't, like, you know, people go to a bar, and they mingle, and they walk around with their beer? You sit down. If you want to stand up, you got to have no beer in your hand. That's so crazy.

There used to be a rule that we thought for the longest time with the Tempe improv that you weren't allowed to drink on stage. But it turned out it was bullshit. Dan Murr. Fucking bullshit. Dan Murr, may he rest in peace. Dan Murr, he's dead, was decided for whatever reason that he was going to put up a fake sign that there's a fake state law that says you can't drink on stage And so we would we would just bring flasks when Brian and I were there We went to like a drive-through booze place, which is hilarious

Yeah bought a flask a flask and a bottle of Jack and then we're drinking on stage I was just adding I was explaining I was adding warm diet Coke to my cold diet Coke because I liked, I like it like a medium temperature. So I have a flask of warm diet Coke that I always keep with me. By the way, I'm already on top of that lie to whoever asks, cause I'm such a drinker in public. Like you were like, cause I like, and I was already going, what's my lie real quick? Cause my teeth get too cold. I don't want my teeth to get cold. I just had oral surgery. That's a good way to look at it.

So in Utah, is that true, Brian? It doesn't say anything about that, but it does say a lot of weird things about Utah. Any beer over 4% ABV is considered liquor. Alcohol by volume, yeah. They have Zion's Curtain there. Zion's Curtain is the, they won't pour your drink in front of you. Yeah. And so, yeah. You can't see the, they won't pour your drink in front of you. Yeah. And so

you can't see the bartender who's mixing or pouring drinks. They used to have it so you would buy your drink in one spot and your mixer in another spot. Like if you wanted a Jack and Coke, they would pour the Jack Daniels in the glass in one spot and then you'd have to go over and get the Coke

in another spot. Wow. Like another part of the bar. This also says that you can only have 1.5 ounces of alcohol in your drink. No exception. So like a long island iced tea would be like the worst drink ever. No, you can actually hold on, you can actually get a long island iced tea. No, you can't. No, that's

the exception in Utah. Because I ordered a double Tito's and soda and they said we can't do doubles. We can bring you two drinks. Or no, we can bring you a drink and a shot, but we can't do two drinks. They can't order doubles. Doubles. Dude, you should have seen the look on my face as we're watching UFC in a Buffalo Wild Wings, and the bartender says to me, the manager comes up,

I wish I knew where we were in Utah because it's a smaller, it's not Provo or, it's one of the smaller towns. Right. So it's not like the big city. Right. Which I'm sure you're allowed to stand up with your beer in your hand at times. Probably. But like he came up to me, I had gone to the bathroom with my beer in my hand. Who leaves a beer on the fucking

bar and walks to the bathroom? You have to be crazy. Yeah. I bring, I walk, I didn't even think anything of it. It sounds ridiculous now. Just walked to the bar with my beer in my hand, take a piss, come back. And he goes, hey, man. Hey, man.

I can't have you walking around with that. And I was like, excuse me? He goes, I can't. I don't want you walking around with that beer. You need to sit down. And I was like, sure, sure, sure. And then I was like, what the fuck? Is this a white guy voice or a black guy voice?

This is a white guy. I should have said he was white. This is my predecessor to all my stories. This white guy comes up to me, well the fuck? Is this a white guy voice or a black guy voice? A white guy. I should have said he was white. That's my predecessor to all my stories. This white guy comes up to me, what was he going to be like? Because he fucking was. And so I'm sitting there drinking my beer, but I'm watching UFC, so I'm standing up. Right. Like going through the moves.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But I was standing up. I'm standing up, and I'm drinking my beer, and the guy comes up to me again and lights me up. And I go, and now I'm confused, but I'm also drunk. So, like, I take a very, like, guilty drunk perspective. Ever, anyone on a plane ever says anything about anything drinking, I go, oh, I'm sorry, I'm done. I'm done.

Like, I'm never, I'm not that guy. How many times does that happen? Joe, I fly fucking three million miles. And he hates flying, so he gets drunk. Yeah, but, like, do people complain a lot about you drinking on planes? Yeah, if you drink on planes at four beers, someone will say something to you. What do they say to you? Eh, you had a lot.

Who says this? The flight attendant. Oh. Yeah. If they say, hey, I've given you four. This is a 30-minute flight. I'm giving you four. You know, I think you've had a lot.

Then you just go, Oh, I automatically, I'm like, I'm so sorry. I totally fine. Don't worry about it. And then I fucking white knuckle the rest of the flight.

Cause I can't, cause I get nervous flying. I had a guy on flying to South Africa telling me I've had a lot. And I was like, I pulled him aside. I was like, I'm totally sober right now, but we need to figure out a way where I can drink the rest of this flight.

Cause I will have panic. Cause I had 13 hours left. And I was like, so you come up with a system, I'll agree with it. And the guy looked at me very plainly. He's like, I'll give you a beer every hour for the next 13 hours. I was like, perfect. Jesus Christ. So you drank 13 beers on a flight?

Well, are we going to be honest or are we going to lie? Let's be honest. And we nibbled a little Xanax and went to sleep. So I nibbled a little Xanax and then had the next beer and then fucking i don't think you're supposed to mix those i know joe that's why i was gonna lie to you fucking reason i lie sometimes there's a lady on a plane once i'll never forget her she was talking about that her greatest have a xanax and a glass of wine just a xanax and glass of wine she's looking at me like right a xanax i a glass of wine. She's looking at me like, right? A Xanax and a glass of wine? It's dangerous, man. I don't know. It's dangerous.

How Geraldo went out is a Xanax. Really? Why would you ever listen to me? But, yeah. Are you sure? I'm 100% sure in the same way Doug Stanhope is who I go to when I have problems. When Heath Ledger died, both Stanhope and I both were on the internet going like,

hold on, how much Ambien did he have and how much Xanax did he have? Because these are real, for people who take Xanax, you need to know. But from what I understand, Greg, I hate, I don't even know how I want to talk about this, because I like Greg a lot, and I don't want to sound like a guy that's celebrating. Well, let's just Google it. Google what Greg Geraldo died of. Well, his toxicology report's going to be a little bit of everything. I'm certain.

Because I think he was partying at the time. Well, he definitely liked pills. I mean, he had an issue. Uh, I think, yeah, yeah. I feel weird talking about Greg because I really genuinely liked him and he was very sweet to me. He was a great guy. He was a fantastic guy.

But it doesn't take away from the fact that he had an issue with pills he definitely didn't mean he wasn't a great guy i know but a lot of great people have issues with pills i say this then as a warning and using greg's legacy as a warning it's not a bad thing to say it killed him i mean it's it's a good it's i think it's a good thing to bring up yeah yeah yeah but i'll tell you what the whole reason i don't fuck with xanax at all is because of Greg. Because from what I understand, he was coming off partying, he was in a hotel room, he wanted to sleep, he took Xanax. And with Xanax, sometimes when you use it, and I've used it a bunch in the past, you build up a tolerance and then you stop using it. And it feels like shit when you stop using it.zos are the worst they won't even admit you to

rehab if you're on benzos really yeah yeah buddy you couldn't go to rehab because he's on benzos and you stop using it and then the second you stop using it you get you get sick and you could die you have a stroke but then when you go back to using it again your tolerance goes back so you can take back to half a milligram and you feel it again. But from what I understand, Greg used what he used to use, and it just had its way with him. I could be totally wrong, and I hope I am. I hope whatever.

I love Greg. I really genuinely love Greg. I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're saying. Yeah. You're saying something everybody knew. It's like Patrice dying of diabetes. It's not a bad thing if you say that Patrice didn't take care of his health, because he didn't. You know, it's just a fact.

It doesn't make him any less of an awesome guy, you know, or an amazing comedian, or just a fucking joy to be around. He was all those things, but he also had diabetes. He didn't take care of it i think of him a lot and by the way these are all i whatever i say shelve it into what bert's memory of his narrative is but patrice called his uh girlfriend von when he was having a stroke and he's like i feel weird like something's going on i need to go to the hospital and you know so funny is is I think anyone with anxiety attacks, an anxiety attack feels like that.

And so like sometimes I've been like sitting in a hotel room and I just feel weird. Like everything's shifting. You're having anxiety, a panic attack. Right. And then you start thinking you have a stroke and I think of what Patrice said that night. Do you ever take yoga or do you ever meditate or anything like that?

No, I like to get into meditation. I really like to. Do you ever exercise or anything like that no i'd like to get into meditation i really like to do you ever exercise when you're on the road no not not in the last 11 months no exercise at all last 11 months probably no not at all i mean a little bit like scattered like i'll i'll feel like up for up god damn it i feel like a piece of shit let me get down there and i'll run i'll run walk two miles and I'll lift some weights. But not like, oh, like right now I'm on a pretty sincere regimen where I'm working out.

I think I'm about 10, I get, I walk on my Fitbit, I walk like 10 to 12 miles a day. Which is pretty good. Burning about 4,000 calories. Taking in under 2,000 a day. Writing down everything I had taken other than... Is is a new thing that you're doing? Yeah, it's on my vlog.

I just started doing it. I started November 29th. And who's giving you this number, like 2,000 calories? Me. I'm registering the calories. But why'd you decide on 2,000? Because- Weight Watchers?

No, just me. Just decided that would be enough? Yeah. Now, do you look at what you're actually eating? Have you ever tried different... 100%. What kind of diet are you on? 100%. I can literally run through what I've eaten. Okay. Well, just tell me what kind of foods are you avoiding? How about that? Avoiding a lot of breads, a lot of sugars. A lot of breads or all breads? All breads. All breads. All sugars. No bread, no sugar. Those are two great steps. Yeah. All breads, all sugars.

I'm cool with fruits. I'm cool with a lot of vegetables. Every vegetable can make its way in my mouth. Vegetables are running a train on me. Nice. Lean protein, salmon, chicken. I do the shredded beef every now and then, which is just so good. But if we do taco bowl night, I do tortillas and romaine lettuce. And then I'll do almond butter and rice cakes as a

snack and a lot of avocado and you've been doing this for uh right now i'm six days six days and i've lost 13 pounds that's amazing yeah yeah if you can keep that up for like a few months oh my god 12 pounds 12 pounds 12 pounds for 12.4 pounds. That's amazing. That's great. And I'm just really active. I get up in the morning and I just go at it. But it's very easy to do when you're at home. It's really hard to do on the road. It's not hard to do... Let me take that back.

It's not hard to do when you're doing stand-up. When you're doing stand-up... You have plenty of time. Man, I always say to myself, I work out at 5 o'clock every day doing stand-up. Yeah, you're in a weird position because you're doing a TV show. And there's TV shows and a travel show. Two TV shows.

Actually, two or three. Which ones are you doing? I'm doing everything on the network. What are the other ones? I can't talk about two of them, but Birth Conqueror I can talk about because I've accidentally spilled the beans. And then Triplett. Are you bringing Burke the Conqueror back? It's back.

We already shot a full season. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Did already shot a full season. Jesus. Yeah. Did six half hours, seven one hours. Wow. It's good. When you're out there doing this,

how often are you doing stand-up? Say I shoot Burke the Conqueror 13 weekends, I probably did stand-up during that time probably four weekends out of that. But, no, no, no.

I take that back. Probably more than that before while shooting. Like, like I'll shoot I did Toledo while we're shooting I did Atlanta while we're shooting I did Pittsburgh I do like I'll do the weekend when I'm there or an abbreviated weekend like Friday Saturday what do you think you'd be happier doing you think you'd be happier just doing stand-up all the time just killing it on the road or would you be happier if you continue to do these you know giant workload schedule shows like 11 episodes here 12 episodes there six of this seven of that on the road for 11 months would you be more happy if you were doing stand-up you think um i it's it's really it's not hard to say because

my heart is in stand-up it's always been in stand-up the only thing i'm proud of in my life is the fact that i am a stand-up comedian the fact that i can and and it doesn't happen often but the fact that i can roll into the comedy cellar and i'll know jim i'll know bobby i'll know all the guys there the fact that it's like a fraternity that you've earned that you can't get you can't like just parent your parents pay money and you join it right um I will say very candidly that money is having money is really nice with when you have a family uh traveling stinks but like man I've gotten opportunities in my life this last six years that no one will ever

get in their life i mean like like from doing the show this doing the show is like it's amazing i mean it's working on travel channels amazing anthony bourdain would tell you that like the same thing you just have these experiences now not even the ones on tv but these great life experiences that i mean i i'm a horrible person to be sitting next to with my wife at a party because someone will go, oh, I just did this. And I have five experiences that are so much different, cooler, insane, unbelievable than anyone's. I go to this all the time. You called me one morning and you said, what are you doing? And I said, I'm riding a moped in Vietnam through through rice patties and you were like are you fucking writing about this

and i was just sitting in a rice patty going like i was like uh it was one of the coolest calls ever yeah so like i don't want to lose that i and i love that network and i love the people that work in that network i always want to do that but i think you know this and i know you know this and i know that bill no bill burr said the same thing and I know that Bill Burr said the same thing to me, and Al Madrigal said the same thing to me, is that I've definitely unfocused on stand-up for the last year. Last year I've been touch and go. I don't know.

I always – I'm like that – I got the same shit that those star athlete quarterbacks like Michael Vick's brother had, that he had just a bunch of talent and a bunch of opportunity, and just was like fuck it I'll go pro and then didn't go pro you know I feel like that sometimes where you're like I got a lot of talent and I got a lot of ability and I can go around and fuck around on stage and have a good time but when it comes to like making a solid hour and and like like, doing what Bunz did. I look at Bunz because he's my contemporary. Tommy Segura.

Tommy Segura. Yeah. I look at him. I look at Ari. He's my contemporary. These are my, like, contemporaries. And I go, man, they're murdering it. They're killing it.

And now, granted, and Ari and I talk about this. Ari's like, I'd love to have your job. That's such a cool job. But, like, where's the tradeoff your job. That's such a cool job. But like, where's the trade-off, you know? Like, a little bit. There's going to be a trade-off, 100%. There's no way around it, man. I've got to retweet something for Ari.

I'm just remembering this. There's going to be a trade-off, 100%. There's no way around it. If you're going to do it, I mean, that's how I always felt when I was doing Fear Factor. I always felt like a was doing Fear Factor. I always felt like a big trade-off. But go back to yourself in a time machine. Yeah, well, I would do it again because I made enough money that I didn't have to give a fuck about anything.

And in that not giving a fuck, having not giving a fuck money, like true not giving a fuck money, is when you can be yourself. You don't have to say, oh, I shouldn't say this because then people are going to be upset at me maybe that'll stop me from getting an audition or stop me from getting a but if you if you have enough money that you don't have to worry about that anymore then you could be yourself so on stage you could be yourself uh i'm still i'm always i'm not not going to be myself on stage but but here's the question is there is there there's a time we should stop there's a time we should stop hoeing it out and then and go and do what you love the best that's you know or do less like that maybe not three shows yeah definitely yeah definitely three's too many the okay here's the question um would without where do you consider whoring it out because i

don't consider anything i've done really whoring it out i hoarded out for like six years doing fear factor i don't think that my stand-up got better when i stopped doing fear factor pretty positively absolutely so i go to like shiny happy jihad was like one of my best things ever and i did it like right when i quit or right when it ended and then uh from shiny happy jihad talking monkeys in space is probably my best one after that and that was no no fear factor at all no tv at all just doing the ufc and stand up and then i honestly think like now i might be doing too many things with a podcast and then doing the UFC and doing stand-up, might be too many.

I think podcast and stand-up is, like, the way to go. I think those are just having less stuff and more. The less you have to focus on, the more you can focus on those things. You know, and then free time. Free time is also giant. It's giant. Not having to go by. It's giant. Not, not having to go by anybody else's schedule.

Like if you want to go out to the salt and sea and go visit that fucking weird guy's hill that he's painted and all these religious symbols and signs and crosses, you should be able to just do that. Well then hold on, stop on that thought. Cause that's what I do for a living. Right.

But you have to do it with a camera and you have to be with these people. At the end of the day, you're still on some fucking guys. Bert, Bert, I'm going to put a microphone on you. And you're doing it for 12 hours a day and then you're going out to eat in some strange hotel in Boise with your fucking crew. You know, there's great things to that.

No doubt about it. But I think that if you ultimately want to do your best stand-up, you probably should do less of it. Right? My wife is a big believer in putting what you want in the universe. And so, like, right when she told me that, I think it might be a Scientology thing. Your wife is a Scientologist? No, but I got to be honest with you. I like a lot of their ideas.

I'm not a big, I'm not, I like all their, actually I like all their crazy ideas. The ones that they really grounded in, I don't get. Like what ones? Aliens. I do believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. What do you believe when you say you believe in aliens i do believe in aliens what do you believe when you say you believe in aliens i believe there's fucking life forms out there i don't know if

they started us i don't know but i don't know if they started us just as much as i don't know if jesus really got out and moved to fucking rock and was like i'm bad bitches so like like there's a lot like like that i hear about scientology that makes sense they have those acting courses they teach in la every young actor you ever hang out with took a Scientology acting course. And it's about accountability, fucking being a better person, being your authentic self. It's all Deepak Chopra shit. Well, I'm in the middle of reading Going Clear. And when I say in the middle of it, I put it down and I won't pick it up for a week or two.

And then I pick it up for a few days and I'll throw it down again. It's so bizarre that I'm worried that I'm going to get infected by this dude's ridiculous ideas. Well, the Sea Org shit was nuts. My dad represented Scientology through the infancy stages. Represented them as a lawyer? One of their head lawyers. Oh my god.

Yeah. My dad, my dad, we're out of Tampa. The onion continues to peel. My dad can, my dad's not like that at all. My dad's not even, he's religious but Catholic. Only Catholic in his 60s. Like fearing the fucking, you know, whatever's going to happen. Hell.

Yeah. Yeah. And, but my dad, when we were kids, L. Ron Hubbard would show up. My dad's, my dad would have to go out to his yacht. He lived in Clearwater and flew out to LA a bunch. Yeah, Clearwater's the spot. That's where the Sea Orgs are. Yeah.

And so my dad doesn't believe in any of that shit. My dad's like a phony. Like, phooey on that shit. Phooey, yeah. Yeah, and my mom, I remember they went to a party, and the one story is that my dad told my mom, don't fucking talk to anybody because you will get convinced this shit's real. one story is that my dad would told my mom don't fucking talk to anybody because you will get convinced this shit's real but uh but yeah the uh my Leanne's been through the Scientology acting

classes and a lot of their shit makes sense I dated a girl who went to Scientology acting class and really yeah yeah and I went to the acting class with her at the time and so uh I she because she wanted me to go to her acting class she was brutal are you on tv at this time she needed so much attention yes I was um she needed so much attention it was so ridiculous she wanted to watch she wanted you to watch her rehearse like for her thing in an acting class and she made me come to her acting class once when they did this thing called private moments. And this is what private moments are.

What a private moment is, you would go on stage and you would just do stuff. Like they had like a little set. So they had like a bed and they had some books and they had like a little fake kitchen area. And you would just go on stage and pretend that you were just hanging out by yourself. Like maybe reading a book. And I remember sitting there sucking this all. First of all, the relationship was a disaster from jump, but she was hot. It was fun.

But watching this whole thing go down, I was like, okay, do you understand what's happening here? This is not acting. You're not acting. Like this isn't acting. What this is is they're giving you a little's happening here? This is not acting. You're not acting. This isn't acting. What this is is they're giving you a little fix. You have this desire for attention, this overwhelming desire for attention. And they say, hey, we don't even have anything for you to prepare, but you can be the person on stage for the next 10 minutes.

Everyone's going to look at you. Let's kill 50 minutes with people fucking twiddling their thumbs. And that was, okay, what were you doing with the book there? Is that how you normally would read a book? Well, when I read, I like to read things that are important. And so it was like they would go over the public moment, or the private moment, rather, with the various actors. And I would love to sit there and listen to the things that they would say. I only made it to like two of them, two them two classes where I was like I can't do this

You realize that could be a TV show on Comedy Central if you just did that with comics Yeah, five comics Jim Norton's private private moments, and it's just five minutes of Jim in a room. Just watching him Mm-hmm do Jim you see that show Nathan for you? It's one of the I think one of my favorite shows That's on What is it? It's this comedian Nathan and he gets hired to like, go to these small businesses and help their business by using weird ways. Like

as an example, this bar ever since smoking became... I gotta interrupt for right now. It totally sounds like Comedy Central's buying ad space through Brian. He's like, has anyone seen Nathan for you on Comedy Central? So, like, as an example, bars can't have smoking in them, and they're saying that they've lost a lot of money since that's happened.

A lot of smokers, you know, want to smoke in a bar, blah, blah, blah. So he found, like, a loophole where you can make a theater, like a bar being a theater. So he put up two seats, sold, like, tickets, so that you would sit down on these seats and just sit there and watch a bar being a theater. So he put up two seats, sold tickets so that you would sit down on these seats and just sit there and watch a bar for an hour, that giving the bar being able to smoke cigarettes as if they were a play. And it's just interesting

how he hacks normal, everyday things. It's really funny. But what's the one he did? I mean, it's a very funny show. Dumb Starbucks. Dumb Starbucks is the big one that everyone knows. Where, using parody laws, he made a whole thing called Dumb Starbucks. So it looked just like a Starbucks. He could sell coffee because he was using a parody law.

And he does this like every episode. It's so amazing. I heard about the Dumb Starbucks one. Dumb Starbucks. It's actually a pretty good show. I'll be honest with you. The better show than that. Who's the guy you guys.

I know his name. It'll come to me. The guy you had that always wore the blue hat, that had a Comedy Central show. He came in. I kind of felt like it might have been like... Judah Freelander? No, no, no, no.

I know Judah. He did the show with Coach... His name is Ben. Ben. That guy's show was super funny, and he didn't get enough of a chance. What was his name? Ben Franklin?

Not Franklin. Fuck. That was my first vodka. Ben Johnson? Ben Hoffman. You had him in here, right? Yeah. I liked his show a lot.

Did you ever hear his coach one? No. Oh, it's so funny. Can you play it, Jamie? No, no, no. No, never mind. Comedy Central, pause. Oh, really? Yeah, you can't do that. Because they have their own, they have the Comedy Central Live. funny can you play it jamie no no no no never mind comedy central pause oh really yeah um uh

because they have their own search they have the comedy central live they have their own website where they encourage people to go watch their shows i talked to ari about that yeah yeah no he doesn't like it i'm not i don't know i didn't talk what he said what does that mean fucking no he doesn't like it he's upset because we're fucking grown-ups and we know how this internet works it's like look my's never going to get one over on me on Instagram, because I've been in this shit. And you're never going to bring a person... I promise you this, and I...

I bite my tongue sometimes. Why? You're not even on Comedy Central. I have a deal with them. Okay. He doesn't like it that they pull stuff off of YouTube? Is that what it is? Yeah.

I love you, Ari. This is what? Yeah. I love you, Ari. This is what Ari said. I love you, Ari. Whatever you said. Okay, okay, okay. Fucking. We both agree with this. You never get...

Look, fucking people find content is where you find content. If content drives you to traditional media, then so be it. That's how this fucking business works. We push it on YouTube because that's where people are finding content. And then I put five minutes of a show on YouTube and you be it. That's how this fucking business works. We push it on YouTube because that's where people are finding content. And then I put five minutes of a show on YouTube and you like it and you go, I kind of want to watch that show. And then you go there. Like when I look at trailers, I watch trailers for movies that I will see inside movie theaters on YouTube and on Apple Movies. That's where I go.

Okay. And so Comedy Central and Travel travels guilty of this as well sometimes they try to get the ad they try to get all the traffic to their website it's the older people in the company that don't technically get how people are using their content and finding their content and and and and enjoying their content I know how I enjoy mine I sit online and I fucking watch it on YouTube and I go through YouTube and I go into a spiral and next thing you know I'm watching bot flies getting extracted out of a

guy's back now I'm looking at ear cleaning now I'm watching opium gym like that's how it goes but no one that's like like Leanne my wife is 45 she didn't use fucking YouTube she's never used YouTube in her life she tried to find a video the other day. She's like, it's on Facebook. I go, well, Google the things you remember from it. Google that, and those are the code keywords, and you'll find it. She's like, no, it's not on Google. It's on Facebook. But that's who's running Comedy Central.

So when they go, we don't want any of our content on YouTube because it's a bunch of ad sales dollars that we're missing out on. Maybe they're accurate in some extent, but I would argue that 300,000 people watch me talk about fighting a bear on Ari's, this is not happening now, on YouTube. I would venture to say not one person woke up that morning after they saw that and went to ComedyCentral.com and then said, hey, check this out swipe swipe swipe this is bert yeah they're not going to go there this is what they need to understand you can get money from youtube ads they just need to control their own youtube channels and then they could have it on youtube and it would be on the comedy central channel on youtube put all their stuff up there

and they would make plenty of money and i don't think it would cost them shit because no one's paying for anything man no one's paying for anything they're not going to pay for shows unless it's on apple tv and you can just buy the whole season, like Game of Thrones or something like that and watch it or like a show like Walking Dead. I pay for the Walking Dead so I don't have to watch those fucking commercials because I've made the mistake of recording it on live TV and then trying to watch it when I've been used to watching it on Apple TV. It's unwatchable.

The fucking commercials are brutal. watching it on Apple TV, it's unwatchable. The fucking commercials are brutal. Anytime something happens, the fade to black and a fucking dancing Tide box comes on the screen, and it's horrible. It's awful. Hulu's no commercial option is awesome, by the way. It's like an extra five bucks or something.

Another thing Brian's being paid for. Hulu, Comedy Central. You guys still sponsored by Hulu? But it's a new era. And I think you're right that a lot of people need to understand that. Having things on YouTube, it doesn't take money away from you. It makes your show bigger.

The more Ari has his content on YouTube, the more it's going to make that show bigger. The more Comedy Central is going to get more viewers, the more ad dollars they're going to make. It's not taking any money away from them. It's making it bigger. It's going to make a show bigger. Period. Think about we've talked about this and touched on this

at certain times, but the fact that we have free content out there. The fact that I fucking three, four years ago told a story on your podcast that changed the scope of my career and I never make any money off that. I don't make any money off the guys that have posted it. I don't. I don't give a fuck.

You think I look at Become My Minions is the guy's name. You think I look at him and go, man, he's making ad dollars on this. That guy was creative enough to create a comic and add it to the story, and it got me people to come to my shows. That's what I don't give a fuck about. It's free content, man. That's why I'm doing the vlog. Just think about Comedy Central, how much money they

spent on advertising. On billboards, they had that giant billboard above Sunset. That billboard above Sunset, above Pink Dot, didn't get nearly as many people to listen or watch to Ari's show as a YouTube video would. Not even close. What he's doing right now with the storytelling

is so fucking smart. It's so smart smart i've sold this to two people probably more than that but definitely to ari and tommy i'm jealous in the most happy way for them like i'm so happy that they did what they wanted to do but that's what's interesting to me is because you're very successful right now but it seems like you look at what they're doing and it looks like more fun to you than what you're doing or it looks like something more attractive to you than what you're doing That's why you're saying you're jealous I am jealous I'm definitely jealous not not but not I don't want people to associate that with a bad thing

No, you're not you're not a petty guy It's like you said one time you saw Dave Chappelle at the Comedy Store working out and you got you got I don't know if You said jealous, but you said you got envious of how great he was, and you went home and wrote. Well, I would say inspired would be the term that I would use. I don't think it was an envious thing, but it's certainly like, wow, God damn, he's so good, and you want to run home. Anybody can get envious. We all can fall prey to that.

Maybe I'm broad-stroking that. I don't let it in. I don't let it in, man. I know what it is. I feel it. I don't let it in. I recognize it. I turn it the other way. I don't get it. I don't sit and go, man. I know what it is. I feel it. I don't let it in. I recognize it. I turn it the other way.

I don't get it. I don't sit and go, God, I fucking want that. That's jealousy. That's envy. But I recognize that feeling. I recognize that feeling of like... But we've all seen people that do get that jealous, envy, angry thing. It's awful.

Well, I don't get that. What I get for with Ari and like Big Jay Oakerson. Big Jay Oakerson did... I went out to New York uh to do it's a crowd work show it's all crowd work so it was a bunch of comics it was at the village underground it was or no it wasn't whatever it was I don't remember what it was but it was great bunch of rich voss and I were on the same show and I look at Jay and I and I watch him do crowd work and big J his crowd work is impeccable.

I do good crowd work. I'm a really good crowd work guy. Not like Big Jay. Big Jay can do it for a living for the rest of his life and never write material. He's that fucking good. He does it all the time, too. He is. Joe, I'm telling you, watch Big Jay do crowd work.

And, like, I don't know how you do it the way I do, but like I go to crowd work when I want to do it. I don't just do it all the time. Right. Man, he fucking destroyed. And I, and I literally looked at him and I was like, I was so enviously proud of him. Like going, Big J, you made, you sold your own show. You're doing just what Ari did.

But with crowd work, what your thing is. And I look at those guys and you're right. I think I do look at them and think, like, ari's a different beast he answers to nobody he wants to do his own fucking thing take a year off from stand-up he'll do it he doesn't give a fuck i'm envious of that and that and that like it's it's gotta be it's gotta feel really good to be untethered yeah like to be like you know what man i got no fears not to say i'm i'm fucking filled with fears everyone knows that but like i got no fears i'll do my thing i'll and and like i remember like we were having a conversation

about notes comedy central was given and ari's take was're wrong. Like, just so impervious to critique. They're wrong. I know what I'm doing. Like, just almost like Winston Churchill. Like, walking down the street. It becomes a real problem when you have a vision for a show, then a bunch of people come along and they have their own vision, and they try to get their greasy little fingers on your vision and change it and add their little jizz to the fucking soup. Yeah.

It's not good. I told him my notes that I had just gotten from the network, from Comedy Central. Yeah. He was like, don't do it. But it was like, I felt like going. That's why it's no good to do something that's, you collaborate creatively when you do one of those things

with people that aren't creative. Like, they might be creative, but they're not stand-up comics. So if they're telling a stand-up comic, like you have a vision of what you want it to be and they're telling a stand-up comic like you have a vision of what you want it to be and they're telling you that you're wrong you should do it a different way that's going to be a disaster every time i experienced that on the man show we we got in the most fucking insane arguments over nonsense where doug would come into the room pulling his hair and he'd be like i can't fucking believe this is something we're arguing over.

Like, and I would go, what are they saying? And he would tell me what they would say. I'd be like, well, that can't be real. That's really what it is. One of them, I think I've told this before, but we had a game show called Make Me Hard where we'd have a bunch of different things happen. The guy had a box over his dick where the light would go on when he got a boner. So we'd have like midgets eating bananas. Ding, ding, ding.

You know, it's really stupid. But they didn't, they wouldn't let us use hard we had to call it stiff like a crying argument like crying like it's gone too far like what what is this when joey diaz we had joey diaz introduce us and joey diaz came out naked with timberlands on let's get this party started that was the beginning of every episode that's what we wanted to do they were literally crying executives female executives crying How was that in pan show? How was that? How was that funny? It's not funny tears And I'm like, I can't even believe I'm having this conversation. I go how about we do this so we did two ways I go we'll do the normal way first. We'll have them introduce us normal. I go and then we'll do it our way

Well, we'll Joey will come out. So we do the normal way. All right, we're going to do a second take. He fucking kicks the door open. Let's get this party started. They go apeshit. People are falling out of their chairs. It's hilarious. And he introduces us.

Doug, stand up. And Joe Rogan. And the place goes apeshit. The fucking room changes. And I looked at the lady. I went see that's funny I don't tell me what's funny. He might you don't think it's funny You want everything to be all clever like it would work really great at the UCB and everybody would golf clap That's bullshit you want you want props for putting together a really smart and diverse show

Like that's not what we're here to do We're here to just make the shit that we think is going to be the funniest. And we can't do that with you. You're an albatross. You're a bundle of wood. You're a burdensome woman. You're a burdensome woman? That's a burdensome woman. 100%.

And it didn't just so happen that she was a woman. If it was a guy that was crying, I would smack him. Jesus Christ. I don't know. it's not good that's why the youtube option is the best option or an online option is the best option that's why podcasts are so superior a form of expression than anything you're ever going to find on network television because whether it's good or whether it's bad it's ultimately all coming from you a hundred percent dude you uh we had this conversation the other day but the um creating your own content putting your own content out there and making your own

content despite what you may believe your content is i woke up this morning i got a text tweet from some guy and he was like hey man i haven't had a bird cast in a week. Like what's going on? And I was like, nah, fuck it. And I hit like, you know, I'll get on it. I'm doing Rogan today. Enjoy that. And then all of a sudden I was like, fuck it, man. I can get up and go to the man cave and bang out a podcast. Get up, fucking start talking, incorporate my vlog, go out, get the girls donuts, podcast,

the whole thing. Talk to the people at yum yums. And it's like, you're creating your own content is being the owner of your own shit is where the future is. It is, but there are places that will let you do your thing, and that's where Netflix is right now. Yes. Bill Burr, he has a show coming out December 18th.

It's called F is for Family. His experience with them has been amazing, and him talking about his experience with them and creating that show, he's like, they left me alone. They just let me do the best show that I could do. He brought on a bunch of great people, great voice actors, great writers, and he put together this fucking banging animated show that's going to be killer. They just let him be himself. They let him do his thing.

They're fucking getting it. And they're internet-based. But how soon until they get so recognized that fucking 2020 does a piece on Netflix taking over public television or regular television? And then execs start flooding into Netflix and Netflix becomes that. From Comedy Central, from NBC. The real problem is those people that were in the original networks those dinosaurs those motherfuckers on CBS and NBC and ABC they are dealing with soap operas they're dealing with nonsense they're dealing with the

the fucking the the multi-camera shoot sitcoms? Well, who could possibly do that? Door kicks in. Boop! Pratt fall. Lamp. Oh, it's Kramer! Ha ha! You know what somebody did the other day? Somebody put out a bunch of outtakes from Seinfeld, and you got to see, like, angry

Kramer. Oh! He fucking sizzled if anyone was, like, laughing. He would be like, oh my my god he would have hated working on news radio I did a scene with Andy Dick where I think we probably broke like 10 times

to get through it because Andy was so funny like we would do the things I would bite myself I would bite the inside of my mouth to hurt so I wouldn't laugh. I would do all sorts of different things so that I wouldn't crack up. But if it's a funny show, you're going to laugh. I could have never done news radio.

I was watching the video. It just looked like he didn't give a fuck about the scene. He was waiting for his moment. He was waiting for his time to come in and shine. He didn't care that Julia Louise Dreyfuss and Jerry Seinfeld were laughing. They were all laughing and yucking it up. He didn't want that you know with julia louise dreyfus and jerry seinfeld were laughing they're all laughing and yucking it up he didn't want to be a part of that he just wanted to do his thing yep if you watch it you watch him just go and like not even joking like oh stop it stop it you're ruining this like he fucking seems like they all had some weird things going on like george

george's wife who died in the show died because died because he didn't like her, like, acting with her. He's like, she sucks. So they killed her off. Really? Yeah. But that shit happens. But that is possible, though, man. You can have a husband or a wife on a show, and they're a goddamn nightmare, and you're stuck with those people.

For five years. Dude, that's a real problem. I had a friend who did a sitcom and he had a girlfriend on the sitcom that was supposed to be his girlfriend and he was like, I fucking hate her. She's such a cunt. And he didn't know what to do. Fortunately, it didn't last,

but they have issues like that. And you could run into issues like that. And also people change with success. The show starts getting really good and then they want a lot of money. I've heard those crazy stories of people coming in to renegotiate and plopping their feet up

on the executive's desks and just letting them know they're the center of the show. I'll never be that guy. I know those guys, man. I know a guy who got his whole show canceled because he said some nasty shit to an executive that was a woman.

He literally said, to paraphrase, I am the creative genius behind this show, and you are a dumb cunt. That was his words. Wow. And they went, that's a wrap. They canceled the show the next day, and he was only like a few episodes away from syndication.

You'll never see that show in syndication. What show? I'll tell you after the show's over. After it's over, over i'll tell you i don't want to shit on the guy but it's uh publicly known that he's you know he's insane but i think it's also like why did you become an actor in the first place why did you become a stand-up for a lot of people's they want validation because they were rejected and they have this hole in their soul they need to fill up with love and tension and they didn't get enough of it when they were developing so they have this overwhelming maw this need this gaping volcano that just swallows couches and they just need attention

they can't fill that fucker up and then once they get what they always wanted and they're still not happy, they don't know what the fuck to do. And a lot of them become tyrants. But here's the problem. I don't think – what percentage of that group do you think does that – because I got a little bit of that fucking sinkhole. Like I'm a stand-up. Everybody does. I got that sinkhole. That's what gets you into the game.

But I have no interest in – and we were talking about this before you walked in, I have no interest in propaganda or being famous for the sake of being famous. Although I'll fuck around with the concept of it. I have no, like, I don't want to be Kim Kardashian. I'd rather be a respected stand-up. So what's the difference, then, between that fucking, that sinkhole that's sucking in all of you versus like us guys who I really love the art form, I really love... Well, the difference is between like Larry David and Kramer.

Like Larry David is a creative, brilliant man. I mean, he's genius. That show Curb Your Enthusiasm, is fucking genius. And it's all him poking fun at himself and finding the best possible comedic angle of everything. It's hilarious. He's always the loser in every episode. I mean, it's goddamn, it's a brilliant, brilliant show.

And he, by all accounts, is a very level guy. Like, very intelligent, is not needy. He just wants to do the best work he can do and brilliant brilliant absolutely brilliant that's the difference between a guy like him and a guy like kramer and my thoughts on kramer only from watching him do stand-up i was there it was terrible i wasn't a guy that was into seinfeld for whatever reason i never watched that show i only watched a couple episodes of it ever. And it was a good show. It's just, there was only so many things you can watch, you know, and you get, when you have South Park or Married with Children or whatever the fuck it is on your

plate that you watch a lot of, you can only watch so many shows. For whatever reason, Seinfeld wasn't the show that I watched all the time. Although the ones that I did watch were always really hilarious. But I got to see him do stand-up at the store and he was fucking awful it was like a guy who had nothing prepared and just went up there with like a reputation and some pratfalls and it didn't make any sense like it wasn't like he was trying to work out some bits like you'll see a guy come in and try to work out some shit like even like a famous person will come in like a paul riser or someone like that will come into a club and they'll try to work out some shit yeah that's not what he was doing what he was doing was just didn't make any sense i saw him at the improv like uh the weekend before the weekend before

the disaster yeah disaster and it was uncomfortable it was bad like you literally he fell and he landed on his glass and broke his glass like he did like a pratfall and broke his glass. And all I remember thinking is, did he just cut his hip? Like, is he going to be bleeding now? It was like legit falls. I don't know. Yeah, I called Joe up that night. I'm like, you got to see Kramer's on stage right now.

He's acting all fucked up. Like he seems like he's on something. He's with some girl that she's wasted to. And then he got off stage, went laugh factory it all happened Jamie ran across the street TMZ with the video Yeah, hey, it's Brett Ernst was there Yeah But Ernst came over to the store after

because I got there at the comedy store right after he had gone wacky at the comedy store and there's a buzz around and Brian Called me up and a bunch of other people were talking about how fucking coked up he was and So then he went down to the laugh factory and had his meltdown and Brent Ernst was there and saw it There was a buzz around, and Brian had called me up, and a bunch of other people were talking about how fucking coked up he was. And so then he went down to the Laugh Factory and had his meltdown, and Brent Ernst was there and saw it. He came back to the store. He's like, yo, you ain't going to believe. You know how Brent talks. He's like, yo, you ain't going to believe how fucking crazy Kramer got at the Laugh Factory.

Unlaced Adidas. I'll go dog. With a fucking full track suit on, dropping N-bombs like a motherfucker. I go, no. He goes, oh, yeah. These black kids were heckling him, and he starts dropping n-bombs like a motherfucker i go no he goes oh yeah these black kids were heckling him and he starts dropping n-bombs and i'm like no i'm like yeah i go was it funny he goes no no it wasn't funny he's like it's funny now and then monday it hit and it was the first instance of a video of someone being captured doing something crazy like that,

and then putting it on the internet, and it just ruining that person. Destroying them. Yeah, here's the night when I called you. That's right. Look at baby face Brian and Kramer. You have a Caesar. That's hilarious. Baby face Brian and Kramer.

Wow. That was the first. So see if you can, what are the top five instances of cameras coming out at a comedy club that a comic then had to do a Monday morning mea culpa? You got Kramer. Who are the other ones? We got Tosh. But Tosh didn't really do a mea culpa. Even his apology.

First of all, that woman did not record it. No one recorded it. That's part of the problem, was her version of the facts were completely distorted. So then you disregard... She wrote a whole blog about her heckling and his response to her heckle. That's essentially what happened. But he acknowledged it. He definitely acknowledged it, but he didn't really apologize.

No, but right there, to whittle it down to this, what is the difference then between Daniel Tosh and Tracy Morgan and Patton Oswalt acknowledging they're getting fucking blogged about versus Michael Kramer? Is it the fear, the culture of fear? What did Patton Oswalt do? Patton Oswalt, some woman was videotaping him, and he yelled at her at the, whatchamacallit, and he said, shut up, and then he kicked her out,

and he was a dick to her, and then she had to leave, and then he had to, just someone Google Patton Oswalt. Man, we don't need to, we don't need to, it's okay. Yeah, I think Patton, I think... Yo, we don't need to. We don't need to. It's okay. Yeah, I think Patton. Yo, Jamie, cut my camera. Cut the camera. Burt Kreischer smoking marijuana. Cut the camera.

This is, as Joey Diaz would say, this is that pedophile smoke there with the church. So, yeah. But, like, I count Tracy Morgan and Patton Oswalt and Daniel Tosh in the Michael Kramer shit. Right. Dave Chappelle has maybe a solution to all this. Well, Hannibal came up with the solution first. He started using it after the Bill Cosby thing, that bag. You give a bag to people, and they put their cell phones in it, so they can't record while they're in there.

But how many fucking, what if they have a cell phone in their sock? Are you going to check their whole body with cell phones? I think they're talking about big theaters at Chappelle where they would have the security, the metal detectors. Do you guys have metal detectors at theaters? Well, you know, UFC has them. They all have them in big theaters nowadays.

That's an arena, though. Most of the theaters that we perform at, like if I perform at a place that's got 3,000 seats or something like that, they don't have metal detectors. Do they? I don't know. Have you ever walked through the doors?

I think they do nowadays. I mean, look at Eagles. Eagles of Death Metal, you know, that kind of arena place probably has security and stuff like that. How much time do we have left? Do I have time for another drink? Yeah, fuck yeah. Have another drink. It's only 4 o'clock.

Oh, perfect. Bird motherfucking crying. Bird was saying that he got to a point where he was drinking about fucking Brian I told you when I said that these are secrets no I didn't say that I didn't say the rest of it yeah Jamie jump in Jamie fucking jump in secret secrets are no fun yeah Brian I said that was a secret I said I don't like to share everything because sometimes I was a good say that Joey you're gonna re and buns are too honest and they don't go like I don't like to share everything because sometimes Joey, Ari, and Bunz are too honest.

And they don't go like, all you guys are very honest. You have my wife's thing. If you want to feel better about yourself, talk to Jamie and fucking Brian. If you want to hear the truth and the brutal truth, talk to you, Joey, Ari, or fucking Bunz. And so, yes, I was getting to a point where I was drinking a thing of, not a handle of Tito's, but a bottle of Tito's a night on the road. That wasn't what I was going to say, but you said. Motherfucker! That is what he was going to say.

That was what he was going to say. Absolutely, it's full of shit. Yeah, so. And I also got the fucking Doug Stanhope lump in my stomach. A lump? Like a hernia? Yeah, I think so does it like when you you flex does your your intestines pop out yeah you can get that fixed i know i can it's not that big a deal but i don't know if it's facts i'm so fat right now i don't know if it's

how does it poke out i uh i tried sitting up in bed the other day, and I just noticed that my stomach had what looked like a sail in the center of my stomach. So I was like, and I know Doug showed it to me. A sail. Doug's got like three of them. Doug's got a little different than mine, but I texted Doug right away. I was like, hey, man, I think I got that thing you got. And Doug was like, I hung out with a doctor. It's fine.

I hung out with a doctor. He was a gynecologist. Doug's crazy. My dad just got a hernia last week. That's right. We're talking about that. I love it. I got to say this.

And I know there's a lot of crossover fans. If you are a Rogan fan and you're not listening to Doug's podcast, you're missing out a huge portion of just of what a podcast should be. His podcast is so fucking good. He's great at everything. He's great at fucking everything, but, man, his podcast. I'm just so bummed out that he lives in the middle of nowhere. I'm thinking about taking a road trip to the Super Bowl.

To do a Super Bowl party? Yeah, just to roll out. Oh, my God. Because it's not that big. It's not that big anymore. What are you talking about? It's going to be now. We're talking about it right now on a podcast.

You're going to be there. He released the address online. What if I go, I'm going too? Then it's going to compound. They're going to get another 100 people. It'll be chaos. His streets will be overrun with retards. Let me see if I can find it.

He'll give out his address. He doesn't give a fuck. Here's Stan Hope's reply. Nah. I've successfully ignored it't give a fuck. Here's Stan Hope's reply. Nah. I've successfully ignored it for quite a while, and I actually had a doctor say that he's ignored his for 30 years.

Then I wrote back, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. It's fine unless you plan on lifting anything. If you want to carry a sandbag up a hill, you might have a problem with that thing because it'll tear further. As your stomach wall tears further, your intestines will poke out more and the hole can get bigger depending on how much you strain yourself yeah or you can just get it fixed yeah oh yeah i'm gonna get to a base level

i'm gonna get to like 230 and see where i'm at okay how about just get it checked out i can just get to 230 just go get a doctor to look at They'll probably be able to tell you right away, and then you can go, oh, okay, it's nothing. When I'm 230, I'll do that. Just get this thing, huh? That's the number? 230? I get to 230. No health checks until 230.

Fucking no health checks. Who rolls into a health check fucking unhealthy? Have you ever been on a horse? Because you're not allowed to ride a horse over 225 pounds. I've been on a lot of horses. I've sprinted on horses. Wow. I ran Buffalo.

You're not allowed to ride on a horse? Most horses can't go over 225 pounds unless there's just a giant horse. I didn't know that. I ran Buffalo through Texas. What about those Budweiser horses? They're big as fuck. Yeah, there's Clydesdales you can totally ride. That bitch, like Conan the Barbarian.

The new Game of Thrones horses. That's a cool horse. Yeah, it would seemed to me that that horse could like take me eat Well, I'm only 200 but if I was 220 I would think a horse could take me no problem those big giant horses They could take like three or four I bet those giant Clydesdale looking things. Yeah, they're so dear Bert's everyone You ever been in front of one of those things in real life oh yeah oh my god they're so big like they're muscles and like you think about the fact that this thing just lets you climb on its back and it runs don't get me started horses are incredible man i laid in bed with my dogs last night and i thought oh i thought how fucking. I think that's in the Bible. Oh, never mind. Ignore the story.

Prank caller. How cool? How cool is it to get in bed with two warriors who are ready to go to fucking battle for you? If someone rolls in the bedroom, I was like, I really felt like Jon Snow. That's funny. I was like, man, I'm sitting here with Priscilla. Mona is a little shit dog. But Priscilla, who's like 130 pounds, just sitting there,

just at my leg, just staring at the door, sleeping face to the door. Any noise made, she's up and willing to die for me. I thought, how cool is it? My wife would never do that. Female dogs are super protective. They're really good at that. How many pit bulls did you lay in bed with at one time? I had three in bed at one time.

Who fucks... Okay, think about how defensible that is. Who fucks best? Who fucks best? No, but who... Out of the three ones... Who's your favorite to come on? Who?

Who? Which one's got balls? There's an owl here. No. Who could fuck with that bedroom? You got three pitbulls and you in a bed. Someone with guns. The great equalizer is guns.

Okay. The great equalizer. I need to get a gun. It's about time. That's what everybody is scared of people thinking now when you have the San Bernardino thing that happened is that people are just going to be ready and armed and we're going to turn into some sort of a military state. I mean, how many of these things can – you know, two of them happened yesterday.

Here's another weird thing. Most people don't know that there was a second armed mass shooting and killing in Georgia. What? Yeah, it was near Atlanta. On the same day, same day, there was four people were killed in Georgia. What? Yeah, it was near Atlanta. On the same day, same day, there was four people were killed in Georgia. Was it in Atlanta? Yeah, it was. It was in Atlanta.

And, you know, it's one of those things that I do not know if there's a fucking solution for. It's one of those weird things where you look at the amount of guns that exist, you look at the amount of people that there are, the amount of disenfranchised people with mental illnesses, the amount of people that are religious fanatics, the amount of people that are just fucking batshit crazy. And when you deal with 350 million people which is i think what the united states is now somewhere between 300 and 350 you're gonna you're gonna have a certain amount of nutty fucking people man it's there's almost no avoiding it there's so much pressure and stress and life is difficult for you you're you're a successful guy with three TV shows

and you're talking about how much you have to drink to be on a plane. You're talking about anxiety that you get in a hotel room and you're a successful stand-up comedian and a television host of three fucking shows. Your life is balling. You've got a beautiful wife. You have a great family.

You're hilarious. You're a good guy. It's like everything is in place and you still freak out imagine some guy who's married to some monster who works for a tyrant who lives in a shithole who's every day just look at this crime and flat tires and stealing and breaking and entering and that's his life every day all day. And there's a lot of people like that out there, man. There's a lot of people that don't get any love. They have no place in their life where it feels like they're making a connection.

They've missed. They've slammed in the walls at every turn. They have a dumb job they don't give a fuck about that a robot can do. They're idiots. And they just realize it and they're fucking horrified. And they're angry and their programming from birth to today has been nothing but dog shit. By shitty parents and shitty circumstances and shitty genetics, shitty neighborhoods, shitty life experiences, bullying, rape, molestation, alcoholism, racism, constantly over and over and over and over and over and over. And they somehow survive to get to the point where they get their hands on a gun. That's what we're dealing with. That's what we're dealing with. What we're dealing with is humans

freaking out and finding a way to kill the humans. To focus on the mechanism in which they're doing that with, we're missing a giant piece of the puzzle. There's too many fucking guns, for sure. It's too easy to get a gun, for sure. You should have, look, I have guns. You should have to take tests, okay? There should have to be some very stringent requirements on your capabilities. We should know exactly how you, do you know where the safety is? Do you know what's a safe way to point the gun? Do you know how to load it correctly? Do you know how to clean it? Do you clean it? You just have this ultimate weapon of destruction and you don't have to have any knowledge of how to use it at all But to have a car you have to show that you could turn you can hit the brakes

You can hit the blinkers. You have to show all this competency You have to hold show all this knowledge of all the laws and all the rules. You don't need to show none of that thing to get a gun. All you have to do is just not be a criminal. That's all you have to do. Don't be a criminal. Are you a criminal? We're going to do a little check on you, Mr. Kreischer. Oh, you're not a criminal? Well, here's your gun. Okay, question number two, are you an idiot? Are you? And who's to decide? Who's to decide? Who the fuck are you? Because I'm an idiot to a lot of people.

I would say a lot of people are idiots. And they would be idiots to me. And to them, there'd be some people that they know that would be stupid as fuck. Well, there's levels of people. You know, you and I are not at the top. We're just not. There's people out there that invented Wi-Fi. And they're using lasers to give us fucking satellite communication

and all the crazy shit that you and I know of that we could never invent on our own. There's some people out there way fucking smarter than us, dude, and they're making that shit. That's the reality of life. I'm so high. Yeah. We're a little too high for this conversation. Too high. Too conversation. Too high.

Too high. Too high to break it down. I was like, I was like, you know what scares me the most about the San Bernardino killing? What? Is it didn't surprise me. Yeah.

That's what scares me the most. What scares me the most is like, oh, another one. It seems like almost every day now. Like every day it's been something, right? Almost.

Well, they have that calendar out that the calendar shows that it's like literally 13 days a month that there's been something. Almost. They have that calendar out. The calendar shows that it's literally 13 days a month that there's mass shootings. ISIS advent calendar. Is that what it is? For real? Maybe I don't do enough research. It just seems so crazy. Here's the problem.

It's exactly what you said. I agree. Something's wrong with our system with the guns. Something needs to be done. Something needs to be done. Something needs to be changed because we have a lot of fucking mass killings. And from what I hear from Jim Jeffries' act, there's none in Australia. Well, they took the guns away. They had a mass killing, I think, quite a while ago.

Jim Jeffries has a very... I want to say it was in the 80s. Jim Jeffries has a viral bit that every time there's a mass shooting, he gets another 12 million views. And I love Jim. I'm not shitting on him. But it is about that fact. There was one mass shooting, and they all took their guns back, and they've never had another killing mass shooting in Australia. Well, you're dealing with a place that has way less people.

Here's Australia. 20 million people, and mostly in two cities. There's very less people. Here's Australia. 20 million people, and mostly in two cities. There's very few people. So what that is, is less... The country of Australia is pretty massive as well, right?

It's gigantic. It's the same size as the contiguous, that's how they say it, contiguous or continuous, the entirety of the United States of America. Same size. Of the whole US? Yep, same size. Of the whole U.S.?

Yep, same size. Essentially. And they've got the population of L.A. in there? Yeah, less. Less than L.A. Holy shit. L.A.'s got 20 million people plus Mexicans. Okay, let's be honest.

What are the real numbers? Oh, it's got to be through the phone. I love Mexicans. I'm not hating on illegal immigrants. I love people that are willing to do this. Undocumented workers. Whatever you want to call them. I call them Mexicans. I'm not hating on illegal immigrants. I love people that are willing to do this. Undocumented workers. Whatever you want to call them. I call them Mexicans.

I love people that have the courage to do something illegal to better their life. Yeah. And I think a lot of them are great. I think a lot of them are, they embody what America is supposed to be. America is supposed to be this place where you can go and you can make it. You know, this spot where it's freedom you don't get suppressed by fucking generation after generation

of people doing it wrong you can get the fuck out of Mexico and you get to America and just hustle just go to work just go after it there's jobs out there but then what about the Syrian refugees everyone fucking doesn't want them. Well, listen,

it's against our... It's a good question. It's against what makes us up to not welcome them. Exactly. First of all, those are the people that are leaving the bad people. Like, what are we assuming that everybody over there is bad? You can't do that because then that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you won't let them in,

you don't treat them, give them open arms just because they're Muslims. That's ridiculous Well, hold on some of this some of the attackers in Paris were Syrian refugees. Mm-hmm So that's that's a hundred percent. Yeah. Well, I'm sure for whatever I fucking yeah I mean, I don't I don't know I think what they got to look out for is young radicalized single men Well, yeah, that's what the entirety of this movement seems to be is these radicalized young younger men like that jihadi john guy was like a former rapper from england and he joined isis like there's a lot of people that are joining this it's very strange dude

it's very strange like girls are joining and they're getting killed you know they're one one of the girls recently got beaten to death and another one got murdered it's like what is going on i thought it was closeted homosexuals at first i thought all terrorists were what i thought they were all just closeted homosexuals gonna come after you cry shirt don't say you're worried about com you're worried about comedy central but you're not worried about saying that That's hilarious now you've been drawing Muhammad the whole time That's hilarious, you know here a lot of like like like homosexuality so kept down there like maybe they're just guys that are fucking No, I don't think that's what it is.

Sitting in a cave, like, hey, I'll blow you, and the guy's like, what? And he's like, I said I'll blow up. Let's go blow each other up. Oh, no. How dare you. It's just radical ideologies, man. That's all it is. The fact that there could be anything out there. Anything. Anything. Call it whatever you want.

Don't even call it a name. Just think about whatever it is the energy and the influence that leads someone to go shooting a bunch of random people i think one of the problems with labeling things when we start saying oh this was a mass shooting this was a religious killing this was a jihadi cell this was a we give it all these titles and names, but just Separate yourself from culture like pretend you're an alien or something and you're looking at this You're looking at this from afar, and you're just looking at this as some sort of an equation or something like that You're watching what's going down like what is it? What's going down?

like what is it that can these things down here can convince themselves of by manipulation of communication so they've got a way to talk to each other they've got a way to relay ideas and they've got a way to reinforce opinions and ideas that are thousands of years old and they got a way that it's so strong that it can make some of them explode and just go around, kill random people and think somehow or another they're doing it for the greater good. So through this ancient ideology, whatever it is, call it whatever you want, but through this influence by some people's minds that's projected somehow or another into another person's mind. And it convinces that person to kill random people. Forget about what you call it. other person's mind and it convinces that person to kill random people forget about what you call it forget about whether it's islam or christianity or mormonism or scientology forget the names

forget it just forget even the language that's been spoken in look at it in terms of what are the noises that are made by the humans that create the reaction and what are those noises what are those noises what are those noises what are those noises what are those words what are those written things represent they represent like almost like a living idea a living idea that wants to express itself like through the filter of the language and the culture like what is it what is it that causes something to want to get people to go after people that are opposed to this idea or that have differing ideas and kill them? Just kill them. Bad parenting.

It's all bad parenting. ISIS is the worst parenting in the world. If you think about it, that's what it is. Right. There might be a point to that. Yeah. There might be a point to it. Yeah. There might be a point to... That's all it is.

Well, to all the ancient cultures, right? Like, if you think about people that made a break, like, those are the ones that seem to be the healthiest. Like, the Australians. They made a break from England. They got in a boat. They got kicked out. They're a prison colony, right?

So they made them get in a boat and go over to Australia and live there, right? That's essentially how Australia started. Yeah. but look at them. They're fucking amazing their cities are incredible the people are cool as fuck They're generally like really easy to talk to and friendly. They're smart like dude Melbourne was amazing It's like a like almost didn't want to tell people about it. I'm almost over here I'm like whoa this is where else is there like this in the world? Oh, dude, Australia is like your girlfriend's younger, hotter sister. You sit down at Thanksgiving and you're like, motherfucker, I didn't know she was coming. But look what it is.

It's a civilization that emerged or a culture that emerged out of a break from an old culture. They kind of had a reset and they started fresh. The people that are stuck in these spots that are super ancient, you're dealing with this pattern repeating itself over and over again. It's hard to break. So what you're saying is like all my friends that when I go down to Tampa, they never left Tampa and they're kind of still using racial slurs. What that is, is on a global scale, people that have never left that area for thousands of years. Exactly. It's just ignorance.

So your experience begets kind of open-mindedness. Well, I think that it's just, it's very difficult to break out of the hive. And if you're in a hive mind of people that are essentially thinking the same way they did when alexander the great was around it's very it's hard like afghanistan is a perfect example there's really only one city i mean i don't know much about afghanistan honestly because i really haven't been there but i've talked to many people that have been there soldiers that have fought there and i've absorbed as much as i could what they were trying to say and try to figure it out but essentially what it

seems like is you have one city and then you have these strange areas that are controlled by warlords like a lot of them they have like these areas where afghanistan is not just like uh like like what i'd imagine iraq to be it's insanely mountainous insane like so just like a small town in in uh say butler ohio would be a controlled by a warlord yeah i'm using that yeah yeah yeah no targets well you know john mccain i remember this was trying to impart that on Barack Obama when they were debating, when they were running for president, McCain and Sarah Palin. And he said the exact same words that I just said. Like, that's where I got it from him initially until I started looking into it and talking to these guys that went over there. They said it's like the same as when Alexander the Great was around.

And that's what McCain said. He said to Obama, like, is you you don't understand afghanistan you're saying we're just going to send troops in there you can't just do that like this is like the rocky mountains i mean it's fucking crazy it's all mountains these guys are living out there in caves i mean these taliban guys living in caves you got these dudes that are warlords and they got like 20 wives and they're giving them Viagra to get them to talk. They give these guys Viagra to rat on the Taliban. Really? Yes!

That's how they would get them to talk. They would give them Viagra. That sounds like something on the internet. That's a real thing? No! This is one of the government's main uses of bribery. Or main items that they would bribe people with yeah because these guys would get like 60 and they got 20 wives they can't fuck him

anymore and then someone American GI comes along and he's like yeah man what do you need dude well you know what so let's talk we got guns you know do you need guns he's like I've got plenty of guns my friend and like do you need girl I got a twin wives my friend i don't need you i got a blue pill that makes your dick hard let's talk let's talk what do you need up at the light i'll tell you right now i never liked those motherfuckers little blue pills among the way cia wins friends in afghanistan i thought i was having a stroke that came on so fast look at that afghan chieftain looked older than 60 odd years,

and his bearded face bore the creases of a man burdened with the duties as tribal patriarch and husband to four younger women. See, there you go. They gave him Viagra, dude. They gave him Viagra. I recently tried real Viagra and real Cialis, and it's pussy shit compared to the stuff you get at the gas station.

Fuck that shit. Yeah, you were talking about on one of the podcasts we did recently, Brian would take these boner pills that you would get at a gas station. For like a closing bit, right? Well, no. You know how you have those things? Like where there's like a little lighter container, and there's a breath mint container,

and right when you go to pay at the gas station... There's like porn almost, where it's like a naked lighter container and there's a breath mint container and right when you go to pay at the gas station. There's like porn almost, where it's like a naked girl getting fucked by someone. Yeah, it's like, you know, blue dynamite. You're digging me hard like blue steel. Well, these things are like a cocktail of steroids. Oh, really? Yeah, steroids, Viagra, acorns, things like that.

And then what's crazy, though, is that this guy in a wheelchair recently came to the show. He's a comedian from Chicago. I can't remember his name right now. He goes, I always hear about the boner pillows. Well, I get them because I'm in a wheelchair and they're retard strength. I want you to have these. He gave me a whole box of them. I took one and was like, oh, this is an okay boner.

What did you say? The retard strength? No, he's really strong. They're not the normal level right, okay? That's what this is I think he said that but really having a hard time understanding what you're saying. I'm sorry. I'm stone So he gave me the high like high-end versions of them And I took them and being used to that up not. So he gave me the high end versions of them. And I took them. And being used to only the kinds that you get at the store, they're like really like

bitch versions of what you can get at 7-Eleven for $6. I just think that what you're getting at 7-Eleven is a lot of illegal steroids, too. That's what it is. Like you're taking something and you're just getting jacked up on testosterone. Sure. As well. Maybe. But I'm saying if you want to.

Sure. Maybe. you're just getting jacked up on testosterone sure as well maybe but i'm saying if you want to if you're if you're gonna fuck like a 21 year old you're like you know i i better do something right here i'm just saying go with that one yeah but what i'm saying is like i i appreciate the uh the results like i think it sounds like you're right it's swoles it would be a good idea to get that stuff tested to find out exactly what's in it. Because I guarantee you they're not consistent. I mean, if you're just getting this random shit from who knows where, Malaysian fake Viagra. But after looking at 4,000 different reports from the FDA, they're all just like the worst of steroids. And it's just a teeny bit of steroids in your dick. You know, it's not like you're it in like a needle in your arm and i'm not actually some of the stronger steroid there's some pretty well i don't see some of

the stronger there's some really strong ones that you uh you eat they're orals i think one of them i think if i'm not correct there's one i knew this bodybuilder guy was insane and he would take some shit called anandrol 50 but it's supposed to be like one of the more liver toxic ones. But I can't remember whether it was whether it was a one you ate or one you injected. But the guys that were beyond that, this buddy of mine who took it, he was a serious bodybuilder. He was also he became a jujitsu black belt. If you saw him now, you would never believe that he was a serious bodybuilder because he's like really lean, almost like a runner. believe that he was a serious bodybuilder because he's like really lean almost like a runner it's like a tall guy like maybe six two really strong like super super tight um grip and great jujitsu

but uh he was on this stuff this and i'll draw 50 shit and he said some guy said something to him at a red light and he said he didn't even realize what was happening until he was reaching through the guy's window beating the shit out of him like he sort of like woke up in the middle of beating the shit out of this guy parked his car like some guy had yelled at him like fuck you old man or something like that and he snapped and said he didn't even real and then it's when he realized like okay i can't i can't be doing this anymore holy shit and he got away with it somehow or another. He didn't get arrested. I don't know what he did to the guy.

I don't think this was jujitsu training. I don't want to say the guy's name, but I don't think this is when he was training jujitsu. I think it was before. I think it was just bodybuilding. Holy shit. And I think that's when you eat. I think that's an oral one. So if they took that stuff and put it in his fucking little dick pills they might have a you might have quite a significant pop you know earl skakel you know earl skakel he's one of my favorite

people ever i was just on his podcast and he's like the boner pill connoisseur like he knows everything skakel is the guy who just related to a kennedy yes no he just had Related to a Kennedy, yes. No, he just had... Oh, he just had Tommy Morrison on it, which is an amazing, amazing interview. So I was... Amazing's an overstatement for what it is. It's eye-opening.

It's a really great interview. It's interesting if you're in comedy. Yeah, I wouldn't say it's amazing. No, it's eye-opening. It's eye-opening how crazy it is. Well, that's what we were dealing with for a long time. That's the number one reason why I came back to the comedy store. So I was just on his podcast.

He doesn't agree with that. I was just on his podcast yesterday. I was the next person after Tommy, and that interview made me so mad that I kind of blew up a little bit on his podcast. Oh, did you really? But we also talk about boner pills. pills and you can actually buy the ingredient like a lot of ingredients on amazon and stuff like that that will give you the same results as like a boner pill that are healthy and stuff like that as like zinc can i stop you right here because i don't i've never needed a viagra but i have friends that i like you that i can't imagine need a viagra or a boner pill what does

it do does it oh no all i need is something that doesn't make me cum as fast no well that's different that's called a condom. Yeah, that's alcohol. No, I meant, I'm with my wife. I would love something that made me not climax so quickly. Well, that doesn't work, obviously. Yeah. Last time I had alcohol, it was different. I can last for three hours.

Everybody's different, Phil. Yeah. So wait, but what does Viagra do? Do you have a problem getting a hard dick? No, I don't. I't it's a vasodilator It's what's crazy is it's banned in the Olympics as a performance-enhancing drug because it has a beneficial effect on athletic performance a measurable Effect on athletic performance and then it has something to do I might butcher this but with your body's production Of nitric oxide. I think that's what it is.

That stuff that's in like NO2 max and all these pump things. And that stuff apparently has a beneficial effect on muscle and athletic performance. That nitric oxide stuff. So you don't need it to... You can get your dick hard. Yeah. But it's not that it doesn't... The way it works, it's not that like Brian would just

automatically get a heart out of nowhere. It's just like, will it? You would still have to be in the presence with a girl that you thought was attractive and you do it. It's just like you would normally, you know, be attractive, start making out with someone, but your dick would get hard as a fucking crowbar. It's like everything's dialed up to 10. Yeah.

It's like more like a swollen, like a snake bite. So here's the thing. Here's the thing is that it's like everything's dialed up to 10. Yeah, it's more like a swollen snake bite. So maybe it's a bigger dick? Here's the thing. Yes. Yeah, way bigger. Your dick is maximized. But here's the thing is that it's your whole body. Your whole body is experiencing this.

Your muscles are experiencing this. All of your muscles are experiencing this. It's not just your dick. That's why if you have no muscles, it doesn't really do anything for you. Well, no, it's not that. That's not just your dick. That's why if you have no muscles, it doesn't really do anything for you. Well, no, it's not that. That's not what I'm saying. You use it and run

like if you did exercise and you did something, you would have more endurance. You'd have more work output. It could benefit you. To a point, at least some way, in a measurable way, that the Olympic Committee is like, nah, I don't think so. And you can't have it in your system. I know cyclists have used it.

So if I took one, I would just feel like a rock star in that my dick was bigger and I could fuck harder. It would be just fully engorged, like to the fullest. See, I like it at massage parlors because you usually are too nervous where the girl is working and you can't get hard without touching yourself. You're just laying there. Your dick's crushed.

But when you flip over, you want to have a nice, healthy dick so she can take care of you. And so boner pills really help out in situations like that where you want a boner all the time. Here's the thing about encouraging people to take those things. You don't know who's going to make the next batch. This is the reality of having supplements that aren't really they're not really examined that you just sell them you know what the worst thing that happens is someone catches the fact that you have a prescription drug in there like a cialis or something like that and this is according to aubrey i asked him about it and he

he understands like the the rules on things like this He said that what they do is they essentially just fine you, and these people reopen under a different name, and they just go right back at it. Because they develop a reputation where people like Brian know. They go, and there's a little thing with the fucking lighters and the breath mints and the boner pills. They're right there. Those things work.

That's why they're selling them. They're not placebos. They fucking work. And it's easy to get that stuff from china or wherever the fuck they get it from russia i don't know you got to watch out some of the china uh fake viagra and stuff can actually contain like poison recently that's what i'm saying dude that's what i'm saying don't be fucking around with that i mean i i had some stuff that i can still buy today that makes me trip. Like I start seeing visuals.

So I stopped with that one. But I want to know what that one is. So I've been waiting for the FDA to test that one. That's what Anderson Silva got popped for. When he got popped for steroids, he wasn't taking steroids. He was taking a Viagra that was like from china and when they had made this stuff in the laboratory it was somehow or another contaminated by steroids and he had to admit this but this is i know this from people in his camp like they were talking about this this isn't a made-up story it's embarrassing

and it's crazy but it's totally true when you buy stuff like from these random companies in china there are some that do an awesome job of making sure that all the ingredients whatever you're buying from them are pure but there's some that just they don't bother to clean out the machinery so like if you have a vitamin b12 and right before you had the vitamin b12 order they had some other stuff in there some vitamin c or. It could easily get mixed up in to a measurable amount, an amount that will show up in a drug test. It's possible. It's totally possible.

100%. And when you looked at Anderson's results, like he tested positive before the fight, like outside of training, and then he tested negative, like I think at the weigh-ins, and then positive or something along those lines, then positive after the fight. It was like, it didn't make any sense. And they were trying to figure out, how is this happening?

Like, this doesn't make any sense. Like, the steroids should stay in your system for a longer period of time. It doesn't make any sense that they would be there at one time, not be there another time. Like, what was the variable? And then Anderson had to, like, come out and have, like, a press conference and said anderson had to like come out and have like a

press conference and said that i took this weird viagra shit and that's why the the tests were so odd what a weird world it is the world of like trying to figure out what you can get away with and what you can't get away with to beat someone's ass better what a weird world that where you got to fucking figure out that it was viagra pills. That's all I went to. I guess he tested it. What am I allergic to type thing where you're like, what did I have? Oh, fuck. I had this indigestion one day.

What was that? And someone's like, is it peanuts? And you're like, fuck. What a crazy world. As you're telling the story, I couldn't read your shirt, and I went, I don't know if you posted it, but Roy Jones Jr. is easily, in my opinion, watching him fight the most beautiful fighter that ever lived. Yeah, if I had to choose my all-time favorite boxer,

it would either be Roy Jones Jr. or Mike Tyson. Those are my two all-time favorite boxers to watch. Tyson's knockout sizzle is fucking phenomenal. But Roy Jones Jr. fighting. Well, both of them were just fucking incredible in a different way. I mean, Tyson was incredible in like a violent storm. And Roy Jones Jr. was just a virtuoso who could do shit that nobody else could do and reinvented how to engage.

Roy Jones Jr. barely threw jabs. Roy Jones would throw a lead left hook that was as fast as anybody else's jab. And he would crack dudes with that off the back leg. And he would hit dudes and you would see their reaction to the speed of Roy's punches and they'd be like, oh my God. When they realized

what a different level he was on. Like one of my favorite Roy Jones Jr. fights was Roy Jones Jr. vs. Vinny Pazienza. Because was Roy Jones Jr. versus Vinny Pazienza. Because Vinny Pazienza... Vinny Paz? Yeah, he was going way up in his weight class. I mean, Vinny was a much smaller guy and he got real big and

juiced up and he was tough as shit, but he was just too short. It wasn't built for the weight class. Vinny Paz came out. Vinny Paz fought Roy Jones and it was the only round ever where the CompuBox numbers showed the opponent landing zero punches. Zero. Roy just lit him up like a Christmas tree and did whatever he wanted to the point where Vinny couldn't land a single punch.

It had never been recorded before. I don't know if it has since, but that's how good Roy Jones was at the time and Roy Jones was beating his ass he knocked him down and he turned to the referee saying please stop this and the referee said nope keep fighting he said all right so he dove in with an uppercut cracked him like lifting him up in the air and and planted him on the ground holy shit he was a fucking, when he was at his prime, dude, he was a marvel. A marvel of movement. Like, he had a level of movement to him. Like, you can say that Bernard Hopkins might have been more fundamentally sound,

or Julio Cesar Chavez might have had, like, a more gritty, in-your-face game, because Roy would kind of hang on the outside and pick his shots and decide what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. But when it comes to movement, the best ever. Nobody moved like that guy. Nobody moved like that guy. Roy Jones Jr., there's a video of him. This guy throws a punch, and he counters with a right-left,

like a straight right. Oh, no right left like a straight right and oh no was a left hook in a right hand like pop up and he counters with it so fast like you can't even believe it's real and it's just like one of those little quick vine clips and you just watch him go pop up and just and the guys like central nervous system just shut off there was a time for a few years well he was just unstoppable for us. I missed it. I missed it in life.

I was there, man. I was there. I was watching the whole time. I couldn't believe it. He was so much better than everybody else at the time. So much faster. It was ridiculous. When he fought James Toney, dude, he fought James Toney the assassin.

He fought the killer from Detroit. James Toney, the assassin. He fought the killer from Detroit. He fought James Toney, who was just a slick boxer with nasty knockout powers, tough as shit. And Roy Jones Jr. just showed him another level of movement. Just another level. You know? Yeah.

Dropped his hands, and then Toney dropped his hands in response. And then Roy leaps in with a left cook cracks right in the chin and drops him I was like Just like like don't fucking do what I'm doing bitch like he was just on such a different level How's Roy? How's Roy Jones jr. That's funny that I say that so This is him and Vinnie Pazienza, man. This is the fourth round where he gets that zero. Yeah, this is the fourth round. There's glass Joe.

And Vinny Pazienza was a tough guy. He knocked out my friend Dana Rosenblatt, who was a guy that I used to train with back in the day in Boston under Joe Lake. He was a boxing coach that I knew from back then. I was a big fan of Vinny Pazienza. He's tough as shit. But he was really way out of his weight class. Roy was so much bigger than him, so that Vinny, even though he was a big guy because he had all that muscle on him,

his actual frame was nowhere near the frame of Roy's. He was more like a guy, he fought a lot of really tough guys at lower weight class too, but you look at him there, he looks almost like a bodybuilder. He does. Finney Paz and his training partner came out to a show that I did in New Jersey. With Mr. Sandman. I think I want to say that's right.

Dude, it's crazy watching this. You forget how fast Roy was. There's just no one like him at the time, man. And you know one of the things that really messed with Roy was that when Roy Nelson was in his prime, there was a guy named Gerald McClellan, and Gerald McClellan was, I want to say he was a light heavyweight champion.

Gerald McClellan, how do I know that name? Gerald McClellan was a famous boxer who was a world champion. I want to say light heavyweight, but I might be incorrect. And Gerald was one of the guys from the Cronk Gym under Emanuel Stewart. Okay. And he was just murking people, man.

He was nasty. He was so good. And he fought this dude named Nigel Benn. They fought in Italy, or in England, rather. And it was this wild, crazy-ass fight. And Nigel Benn went through the ropes in the first round. And Gerald McClellan was just putting it on him. And then later in the fight, something happened.

There was like a clash of heads. And Gerald McClellan went down to one knee. And then he quit the fight. And they were like, we can't believe this. The fight's over. And then he collapsed in his corner. And he had some serious brain bleeding, man. And, uh, went to the hospital and they did their best to alleviate it. But to this day, he's blind.

He can't walk. He's in a wheelchair. He's all fucked up. He has a very, very short memory of life, you know, of like, of who he was and his capacity has been like radically diminished But he was he was the guy that people were saying one day Roy Jones jr And Gerald McClellan are gonna fight and it's gonna be crazy cuz Gerald was a monster Gerald was a monster and now you know That Gerald got fucked up

It I think it affected Roy Jones I think it affected Roy Jones. I think it affected him, like, psychologically, where he realized, like, hey, that could happen to that guy. That could happen to me, too. And so he fought a lot more smart, took less risks. How many concussions? I don't know if I've said this before.

How many concussions do you think is too many? It's a good question. Seven. Because I definitely have had seven. I think any grown man has to at least have five by the time you're 18 I definitely had at least five one about the time I was 18 I think I gave one to myself the other day I like bent down I told you about this I got bent down in my head for like a sleigh bed thing like a wooden thing I just cracked my head really hard on the corner like this. I bent down and I had a sleigh bed thing, a wooden thing. I just cracked my head really hard on the corner, picking up

a shoe. I saw the flash of light. I just laid down. I'm like, alright, I'm not passing out. I'm not passing out. You probably gave yourself a concussion. I don't know. You'd have to talk to a neuroscientist. I don't know. If you had to ballpark it.

I'll ballpark mine. I've had a ballpark it. I'll ballpark mine. I've had a couple for sure. Oh, I've definitely had a couple. But I think everyone's had a couple. I've had a couple go to the hospital couple. I've had two definitive ones where I had to go to a hospital for them. See, the problem with sparring all the time is you get them and you don't know if you got them or not because you're not going to a doctor. So there was nights where I would just lay in bed and my head would be throbbing.

You know, and just me and some other meathead had beaten the fuck out of each other in the gym. Just doing boxing sparring or kickboxing sparring. Yeah, there had to be a bunch. There had to be like three or four in there. Do you have a hard time with memory? No, my memory's excellent yeah it's in it's only excellent about things i care about though i have a but that's just my mind i just don't when i don't give a fuck about something like it's gone i just don't i have

developed this over the years it's just my my uh style of focusing on things if i don't give a fuck about something i don't pay any attention to it. I just can't. Because I know how, you know, I know how my brain works. Yeah. So what I know about, I know about.

And what I don't give a fuck about, like, what was it? I don't remember. I don't, just don't remember things. I remember things that are super important, though. But it's never like, I don't give a fuck

where my car is. Oh, wait, where the fuck's my car? No. Yeah, like, I don't know. I feel like I've had, I definitely feel like I might be on the upside of concussions.

The upside? What do you mean by the upside? Like, meaning I'm on the higher end of the spectrum. If you're not experiencing any problems, I wouldn't worry about it. I think experiencing problems would be pretty obvious. Yeah. Once you start having, like, like real problems like memory problems or if you um heard of um the guy who was the quarterback for the chicago bears jim mcmahon yeah for jim mcmahon was that the test if i could remember his name i was trying to remember his name as i was saying it

but he was the uh you know the star of the super bowl that guy was an animal and now he's all fucked up there's a sports illustrated article i read about him when they're talking about uh he would just like forget what he was doing. He'd be in the middle of his house and just not know why he's there or where he's going. He might have his keys in his hand, not know where he's headed to, and he knows he's got something going on. Brett Favre's got that shit coming down the line.

100%, man. They all have it. You're in there in the arena. You're clashing heads, and they came up old school. Those guys came up before they really understood CTE. They came up as in, like, if you're not a hard-nosed quarterback, then you're not shit. What are you going to be, fucking Joe Montana? You're going to earn your money because you live in Milwaukee.

It's a fucking hard sport, dude. There's no way around that sport being hard. You get the biggest super athletes in the world, and they're sprinting your way. Sprinting. You get the biggest super athletes in the world, and they're sprinting your way. Sprinting. Some of those guys are bigger and stronger and faster than humans have ever been. Ever.

And they're trying to get you because you got that ball. Dude, I couldn't even jump onto my side right now and not get hurt. Like if they said, just jump on your side, hold a football and jump on your side, I've broken a rib diving for something and landed on my arm wrong. In a lot of ways, you've got to think that, like, playing football is one of the most courageous sports because at least in a fight you only have one dude, and if you're better than that guy, you can control the action. If you understand what's going on, you can control it to a certain extent.

Yeah. Like Bernard Hopkins is still fighting into his 50s Right. He's 50 now. He's still fighting. He's still like at a world-class level You know, he beat some guy when he was 49 for a title. I mean, this is insane, right? Why does he do that? He does it because he can control the action. He controls it Like he makes sure that he's in the right position at all times, he's constantly controlling exactly what's going on Bernard Hopkins is the only black guy my wife's ever wanted to fuck

Jesus Christ Alright, let's wrap it up everybody, I'm at the Irma Improv this weekend Did she write it down? No, we were sitting on the couch Whoa, did you get hard? No, it was just an interesting guy out of all the guys that she could have named, it was Bernard Hopkins Wow Did you get hard when you, it was just an interesting guy out of all the guys that she could have named. It was Bernard Hopkins.

Wow. Did you get hard when you thought about it? No. No. Not at all. Give me a Drake. Give me a Drake. What if she went Lenny Kravitz?

Would that be intimidating? I saw his dick. I can beat it. Oh, my God. Especially with some zinc. Yeah, with Lenny with those pants. That was ridiculous. His dick looked unimpressive. Well, what's hilarious about it was it almost seemed like a CGI dick.

Like he came out so perfectly. It didn't kind of like half tuck. No, it went, hello! Like a 1950s tattoo of a dick. Exactly. It just jumped out of nowhere. I mean, his pants ripped and his dick went, how are ya? I'm not saying that mine would be better unprepared.

Like, I need to prepare mine to present it. But fucking, I saw his dick. I was like, I could beat that. Yeah, it seemed like it was like a dick radar in some ways. Like, on Facebook, like, all the guys going, oh, whatever, man. He's got a huge dick. you're like oh what now we know what your dick size is that's it's a justice warrior yeah they're like going they just saying that cause he's black mmm yeah so if he was a white guy they would

just say they'd mock his dick they'd mock it I mean you heard about Justin Bieber's dick no I haven't heard about his dick well he had a better dick yeah he's got a massive hog, apparently. No, you saw it. Yeah, oh, I Googled it. I looked for Justin Bieber's dick and then Googled, how old is Justin Bieber before I can search his dick? But like, yeah, apparently there's pictures of him on a beach naked and he's fucking hung

like a horse. No one says a fucking word, but everyone says Lenny Kravitz's little tiny dick is massive. Fucking bullshit, man. Bro, you seem angry. Does he seem angry to you? He does! Jamie, how much time do we have left in the podcast? We're like seven minutes left. Come on! Why are you so upset? No, I'm not upset. I'm just, I'm not. There's no fucking, I have

no connection to either of our dicks. I'm just saying. It seems like a weird thing to have on your mind. To the point, I mean, you're a, you know, you're a father. You have children. You've been traveling the world. You were on a moped in Vietnam in a rice paddy. And we were talking on a cell phone on the other side of the world. These are like amazing, amazing experiences.

Here you are. His dick is shit. I'm a grassroots guy. Do you hate the color of your dick? I wish they made dick cream to jerk off with so that it would like sheen your dick to a perfect side body feel

like this. Like, oh, perfect. Yeah. I've actually thought of that as an invention.

Dick cream? For real? Dead serious. Wow. Like you go into a dermatologist and you're like, hey,

let's, what if we had like a, like a stripping material just to like fucking make it perfect? And you give it to a guy, hey, once a month, jack off this and your dick will be like fucking Kathy Griffin brand new. Yeah, but I think that you would miss your veins. You might. Yeah, if you had just like a smooth, weird, fake cylinder looking dick, even if it felt good.

Like an Andy Warhol dick. Like what do you prefer? Here's a perfect example. Do you prefer big stretched out fake tits or big real tits? Oh, big real. Yeah, that's right.

Why? Because they're real. Because when you try to grab the nipple, it slips away from you like someone trying to get to a different arcade game. If somebody grabs your dick and it feels like a FedEx tube Yeah. It's just perfectly round and smooth. And you just want to fucking stick a fishing rod in there. It's a tube for mailing things.

It's not a dick. Dicks are supposed to be uneven, just like nipples. If you look at a girl's nipple, if you get really close to it, like a magnifying glass, it's chaos. There's all sorts of stuff going on there. The skin is all crazy, like the butt of an artichoke. One side's tight, one side's loose. Morgan Freeman moles or whatever those face moles are. There's little dots all around it, but it's beautiful and it's in perfection.

That's like half of the thrill of it. But it's beautiful and it's in perfection. That's like half of the thrill of it. If it was just completely doll-like and smooth on the nipple and then smooth in the areola and then the breasts where there's no veins. It was just smooth like a bowl of Jell-O. Like a Broadway show. Yeah, like a fucking robot, man. You wouldn't want that.

You wouldn't want that. It might look good, though. No. It might look clean. I don't think so. What the girls would call clean or on fleek. Half of the thing about sex is animalistic, man. The dirtiness.

The humiliation. No. Oh, yeah, yeah. I disagree. I disagree, too. When are we going to wrap this podcast up? Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you sweating?

No, I just got to the place where I'm so fucked up. You shouldn't be talking in the air. Yeah. Listen, nothing bad has been said. This is all beautiful. Nothing bad has been said. We're talking about areolas. I love...

Dark ones? No, no, no. I like my wife is like a high pink. I like that. Okay. It just seems real. I like that. Okay, like it's it just seems it seems real Oh, I want real I don't want to go into strip club and have them be able to get naked like that I want them to like take off. I want the realness. I want to see like that sock marks in the legs

Realness Oh sock more like I want real let's wrap this bitch up. This is going south I just got back from Columbus, Ohio and you're not allowed to be naked there and so all the girls had pasties but they would have like darker nipple looking pasties so it looked like they all just had really big areola, dark areola nipples. How ridiculous. You have to have a thin

rubber sheet over the outside of your nipple. And if you go outside you can just take your shirt off because it's legal in Columbus, Ohio to just take your shirt off outside. But when you're inside at the strip club, you have to put pasties on. In Columbus, it's legal to be topless if you're a woman?

Yeah, it's been there forever. You can just walk around with no boots. That's hilarious. What a dumb business. Hey, are you upset at all the freedom that you have with girls' nipples out there on the street? Well, come on inside.

Come on inside. We'll show you a watered-down version of what's available right outside our door. And we'll charge you. Christy Teigen's a nipple warrior. Who's that? I don't know. I just read it the other way. She's a nipple warrior.

What does that mean? I don't even know. What the fuck? Debbie Moore's kid's a nipple warrior. They're nipple warriors. What does that mean? They want everyone to be able to see their nipples. Oh, okay.

Okay, like a really sheer shirt or something like that? No, no, no, no, no, no. They want to go... Demi Moore's kid, she just walks around shirtless. How old is she? About, it's got to be like 20 or something. You're talking about Jay Leno? Maybe Jay Leno?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something. One of their names. Ryder or something. Rain or something. You're talking about James Lennon. Maybe James Lennon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Something. One of their names. Ryder or something. Rain or something. Rickles. Rickles. One of the fucking...

One of the Moore kids. Moore. Roger Moore. Whatever his fucking name is. Roger Moore. Demi Moore. Roger Moore's fucking... How much time, Joe?

What are we at? Rumor or Rumor? Got to be like five minutes now. Her name is Rumor. Rumor Moore. Type in Rumor Moore. Nipple. No, don't.

James Lennon. Leave that little kid alone. No, it's a fucking grown-up. It's a real grown- Moore. Type in Rumor Moore. Nipple. No, don't. Leave that little kid alone. No, it's a fucking grown-up. It's a real grown-up. Type the goddamn thing in. Type it in. Fucking Nipple, Rumor, Nipple. What?

Yeah, that's a wrap. Jamie, what the fuck? Bert Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up for Bert Kreischer. I've been at the Irvine Improv all weekend. Will you be? Really? Yeah, we're Irvine Improv starting tomorrow night.

Oh, that fucking place is the bomb diggity. Irvine Improv, the new one, like a 500 seater. That place is awesome. It's the shit. Brian Redband, got anything coming up? Wednesday, a secret show at the Comedy Store with Henry Phillips, Tony Hinchcliffe, and a bunch of other people in Ventura, December 26th. Outstanding. Wednesday, we're doing a show at the Ice House.

It's Al Madrigal, Greg Fitzsimmons, and Tony Hinchcliffe will be there as well. And Vegas, December 11th. All that shit's on joerogan.net forward slash tour. Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Good night, buddy. Good night. Is it Ruma Millis?