The Joe Rogan Experience - #732 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: December 8, 2015

Whitney Cummings is a stand up comedian and actress. She is best known as the creator and star of the NBC sitcom Whitney, as well as the co-creator of the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls. Her new special "I'm Your Girlfriend" debuts January 23, 2016 on HBO.

Do I look cute? You look fantastic. Really? Yes, you look great. Thank you. You look beautiful. Alright. Feel better?

It's all downhill from here. Got Joe to think I'm pretty. You're alive. Okay. Hi. Hey, what's up? How are you? I'm good.

I'm insecure. I'm very insecure. I'm very, I want you to like me. But you know I already like you. That's ridiculous. I don't know. You're hard to read. You're very hard to read. Bullshit. Shut up. I'm very I want you to like me, but you know already like you Shut up. Yes when you're sober you're hard to read when I'm sober When I'm high, I'm Hard to read no

Easier to read or at least you just like people more. I like everybody here's the thing about you that you don't know about with our relationship when I Easy when I know you did just arch your back there for a second yes um when i started doing stand-up you were like this very mythical um hero at the comedy store i came into the comedy store when you and carlos had your big uh into the comedy store when you and Carlos had your big saga. So you had just, like, your exodus, you're very ceremonious, or unceremonious, rather, exodus when the comedy store was happening.

So I never really met you, but you were, like, this deity at the comedy store. Oh, I didn't know. Do you want to weigh in on that? I wasn't there. You weren't there. Good point. I wasn't there. You were there. Good point. I wasn't there for that. So I never really knew you.

I feel like so many other comedians that I admire, I at least have had some FaceTime with, and you I only sort of started knowing in the last year. Yeah. Well, we met Matt at the Laugh Factory. True. But I had seen you a bunch of times, and I liked you. Yeah, but we had never vibed. We never talked. But we have since then.

That's true, but I'm just saying. So how could you still be insecure? Because I have nine years of you being this sort of very elusive, you know, Bigfoot. Like I never quite knew if you really existed. It's weird when people have perceptions of you outside of you. It's weird when you meet someone, you have a perception of them and you're like, oh, I like them. Yeah. I didn't think I did.

Yeah. Yeah. That happens. Well, I think a lot of it is it becomes a Rorschach test, right? It becomes like my projections onto you and my insecurities. Like if I see you and you don't give me what I need to feel secure, I'm like, he hates, he doesn't like me. I'm just.

Yeah. I had a friend, a friend tell me something about a celebrity that they met and they were like, yeah, I met him, and I said hi to him, but he's a fucking dick. You know, he didn't even talk back to me. I go, okay. Yeah.

You just said hi to him? Yeah. That's it, and all of a sudden he's a dick? He doesn't owe you anything. Yeah. But it's like you have this idea of what someone is,

and then based on a limited interaction, you create a narrative. Yeah. You know? I know that when people, this is going to sound like a fucking person bloviating about people that recognize them.

Sometimes you get to use that word. Bloviating? Bloviate. It's a good word. I've never used that in my life. It's a good word because it does fit. Sometimes I ramble and I want you to rein me in if I start getting boring. You're not boring.

Or being redundant. Stop it. And bloviating. But when someone comes up to me, like at the airport and is like, hi, Whitney. Like I instantly, sometimes I have to say that I'm like, I just feel like I cannot give WHAT YOU NEED RIGHT NOW. LIKE, WHAT YOU NEED FROM ME, I CAN'T GIVE YOU. LIKE, I CAN TAKE A PICTURE WITH YOU, BUT I CAN'T.

HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR LIFE. THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS EXCHANGE FEELING GOOD ABOUT THIS. RIGHT. SHE WAS THIS, SHE WAS THIS. YOU KNOW, I GET VERY INSECURE

THAT I CAN'T DELIVER WHAT SOMEONE NEEDS FROM A PERSON THEY KNOW. I HAD A CONVERSATION WITH A GUY WHERE, AND I'LL NEVER FORGET THIS, BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW THIS GUY AT ALL. AND IT WAS AFTER A SHOW, YOU

KNOW, I WAS IN THE SHOW, AND I WAS LIKE, I'M NOT GOING TO DELIVER THIS TO ANYONE. I'M GOING with a guy where, and I'll never forget this because I didn't know this guy at all. And it was after a show, you know, I say hi to people, you know, the whole thing, take pictures. And then he goes, hey man, I'm dating this girl and she's about to have a baby. What do you think I should do? Like, what? I go, I don't, what am I supposed to tell you?

Have you seen the movie The Staircase? No. What's that movie? Or The Jinx. The Staircase. Oh, The Jinx is the. The Staircase. You haven't seen The Staircase, the documentary?

Is that when he throws her down the staircase? Well, no. Two women are found at the bottom of a staircase. It's actually. Two? It's what people think The Jinx is. It was a Sundance Channel documentary. It was like 12 part documentary series.

It's phenomenal. You'll love it. Really? 12 part? Yes. 12 part. Two? I don't want to give away too much. If you guys have seen it, tweet Joe of what your thoughts are on it. And let's all convince him to dedicate 12 hours of his life because I am fascinated. Speaking of Rorschach test, I'm fascinated whether you think he's guilty or not, because usually it is all whether someone thinks it's guilty not, says more about them than it does about the case. Really? Because again, we project around. God damn, though, 12 parts? That's a lot of fucking commitment.

I know, that's what I said. I made the mistake of only downloading one at a time. I watched six in my first sitting. It's that addictive. Half hour or hour? Hour. I promise you. 12 hours?

I promise you. I will bet you, you have a lot more money than me, so maybe we shouldn't do this. I will bet you any amount of money that you'll watch it in two days. Damn. That's not going to happen. It made me want to quit writing because I was like, I will never be able to write something as compelling as this true life thing. Wow.

It's phenomenal. The Staircase. Why wouldn't you just be inspired to write? Why would you want to quit? The fundamental difference between me and you just reared its ugly head. I'm a quitter and you're not. But you're not a quitter. That's not true.

You're a hustler. I'm a hustler. Yes, people say that a lot. You are. I never know if it's an insult. It's not an insult at all. In my estimation or the way I'm defining it, is you're always working. You're always doing things.

Maybe the difference between, the similarity between me and you, I grew up playing sports. And you learn, I think a lot of comedians don't, you learn the harder you work, the better you get. And you get that sort of mentality that like, you know. What sport? I played basketball, really seriously. Oh, okay. A lot of sprinting, a lot of running around. Yeah, and just like the. That's where you get that ass.

Yeah. This ass is pretty new, actually. I didn't have it. For real? You didn't know me six years ago when I was anorexic. You were anorexic six years ago? I was pretty anorexic, yeah. Oh, shit.

Yeah. I don't want to clinically throw that term around, but I was like 100 pounds. Whoa. When I was doing the show with Your Ready Chris on NBC, I was like a zero. Yeah. And I had a lot of eating disorders in college, which is why I had to stop playing sports. Was that the, really? Eating disorders made you stop playing sports?

I had to choose. So I was really serious basketball, played AAU. I played in Europe, like super psycho about it. And then I started modeling just for money, not really fancy modeling. Don't believe Wikipedia. And then I started modeling just for money, not really fancy modeling. Don't believe Wikipedia. And I was sort of starving myself for modeling and starving yourself and playing basketball four hours a day.

Don't go well together. So I had to sort of give up basketball. Wow. So you went with that over food? Yes. Huh. Yes. Why did you do that?

Was it more rewarding? Well, modeling was paying my bills. It was the way I was raised was, you know, your appearance was very valued. My mom, I now realize as an adult in retrospect, had an eating disorder. And being thin was very valued in our home. The messages I heard were my mom, who was very, you know, skinny, was, I have to lose five pounds. I still need to lose that fat. And any time someone would compliment her, she'd be like, no, I'm so fat right now. Like those were just that's how I was. We don't realize, you know, the impact that those messages have on kids, something we just think is a flippant comment. I need to lose five pounds for me. Like I was like, oh, she's a size

zero, but she still needs to lose five pounds. That's what women are supposed to look like and how they're supposed to, you know, that dysmorphia was ingrained in me very young. And there was a sort of culture of perfectionism where I grew up in my household because I was neglected quite a bit. And it's a natural sort of reaction for kids to have perfectionism as a result of that. Really? Yeah, because you think that children can't understand that their parents have flaws because it would be just too traumatic to their psyche. So we think parents are perfect. If I'm not getting attention, that means something's wrong with me. So I need to work harder, be prettier, thinner, more successful, achieve more,

which I think is where a lot of my achievements are. And you did it to try to get your parents to pay attention to you? I think as a kid, that's when it started. It's if I'm just perfect, I'll get this attention from these people who weren't capable of giving it to me. And then it sort of started manifesting in other ways as an adult. I think I had a very similar thing. Yeah? Yeah, I was definitely neglected as a child.

But I think that I sought it out from other people, not necessarily from my parents. Yeah. Well, that's what I, you know, and similarly, which is I think why I had, and I'm in Al-Anon, so I'm in recovery for this, but people pleasing. What's Al-Anon? Al-Anon is like, if you had any kind of alcoholism in your home growing up, which is not necessarily like, I did have an alcoholic parent and I have a drug addict sibling. But alcoholism, you know, for alcoholism to be present, alcohol doesn't necessarily need to be present. So it could still be signified by compulsive behavior, workaholism, a codependent relationship, an addictive relationship among your parents, gambling, sex, food, all that sort of stuff.

Anything that's addictive. Anything that's addictive. What does Al-Anon stand for? Al-Anon is, that's actually a really good question. I do ACA, which is adult child of alcoholics. Jesus Christ. Al-Anon is more for like if you're married to an alcoholic, if you have a kid who's an alcoholic, like because addiction is a family disease and it affects everybody.

So I am. I know, isn't it? Addicts are such a fucking pain in the ass in that regard. It's a very sort of pernicious disease because sometimes- Another good word. Pernicious is a good one. Very nice. Because it's-

Damn. We're live. I got to pull out all the stops. We can't fix this in post. Is that sometimes alcoholism affects the people not drinking the most. So I wasn't drinking growing up, but I, because of, here's another one, how insidious alcoholism affects the people not drinking the most. So I wasn't drinking growing up, but I, because of, here's another one, how insidious alcoholism is, I was acting like an alcoholic. I just wasn't drinking.

So I was like arrogant and developed an ego of like, I'm the angel in the house. Everyone else is an asshole. I'm awesome. But I was still manipulating, lying, managing, controlling, you know, and codependence. Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol. Codependence are addicted to alcoholics. So as a result, I'm dating alcoholics. I'm dating guys who are illiterate, people who need to get rescued, saved.

You dated guys who were illiterate? I dated one guy who couldn't really spell. What kind of text messages do you guys have? Lots of auto-correcting. Yeah. Hey, are you a basketball later? What? So, yes, I did go through that.

I dated a lot of, like, alcoholics, needy people, troubled people. Yeah, I have a friend who would always date girls that were really, really fucked up. Brian Callen. Yeah, there you go. How'd you know? Trust me. How'd you know? Yeah. Hashtag Fiona Apple. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WOULD ALWAYS DATE GIRLS THAT WERE REALLY, REALLY FUCKED UP. BRIAN CALLAIN. THERE YOU GO. HOW DID YOU KNOW? TRUST ME.

HOW DID YOU KNOW? ME AND BRIAN. HASHTAG FIONA ABEL. THAT'S THE BEST ONE HE EVER DATED. I KNOW. BUT I DID THE SAME THING. HE CALLS THEM VAMPIRES.

HE HAD SOME BAD ONES. IT'S RECREATING YOUR CHILDHOOD CIRCUMSTANCES. I WAS THE CARETAKER AS A CHILD. I WOULD PUT MY MOM TO BED. I WOULD COOK DINNER. I WAS ALWAYS THE ONE FIXING THINGS AND TRYING TO STOP FIGHTS BECAUSE I WAS, YOU KNOW, MY MOM BASICALLY TOLD ME I WAS LIKE A mom to bed. I would cook dinner. I was always the one fixing things and trying to stop fights because I was, you know, my mom basically told me I was like a mistake.

I was born, you know, no one planned me. Your mom told you that? Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, it wasn't our shining moment as a family. When I don't send money, I get reminded. Oh, gee, you send money to your mom? Yeah.

Whoa. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that get reminded. Oh, gee, you send money to your mom? Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, that gets dark. Very. Well, as Chris Rock said in the hallway at the Comedy Store one night, I think you were actually probably there. He said, when you give money to people, it's only a matter of time before they start hating

you. Ooh. Because then they start resenting you for supporting them and sort of robbing them of their own dignity. And then if you have any kind of boundaries,'re all of a sudden like oh well just because you give me money you think you can talk to me that way and it's like well no I'm just like you have self-respect it's it seems to me that the people that need money always need money like you when you give them money it's not really

helping them band-aid it's enabling yeah yeah well I mean there's some people that just need money i mean i've had friends that just needed money yes some went wrong transmission broke fuck you know that's one thing but it's the people that always need money yeah they you can't fix that hole nope that hole is just they come back to you oh it turns out we were late with the payment and now there's interest and this and that. And so do you think that, okay, and then there's, we just had an issue with blah, blah, blah. And like, oh, fucking Christ, this doesn't end, does it? And so, and it's interesting, and I've had to work really hard on the parameters of when I can give money, when I can't. My system now is basically to only pay bills directly because that way I know. Damn, you do this all the time?

So this is an all the time thing? I am cash borer Joe maybe hemorrhaged hemorrhaging money through my family yeah wow yeah because I didn't grow up in an environment no one had health insurance no one went to the doctor so now you know both my parents had strokes nursing facilities are great no insurance like the whole deal so it's been but it's it you know, you talked about me working hard. I worked hard initially because I needed, you know, I didn't have choice. I didn't have money.

And now I still have to work hard to sort of pay for all these other things, which I think maybe in some ways keeping me, you know, motivated. Because I'm never going to get ahead. I'm never going to be solvent. You're very aware, though. You might be, like, kind of frantic and all over the place and motivated. Do you think of me as frantic? A little bit.

Really? Yeah, but in a good way. How so? Powerful. You've got a lot of, ah! Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fear.

It's an armor. I'm an armadillo. Whatever it is, it's not like a negative thing, but it's like, wow, that girl is getting shit done. It's intense. When I say frantic, maybe that's not the word. Maybe the word is kinetic. Pretty? Yes.

Stunning? Is that what you're going for? Fabulous is a lot of good ones. Gravacious, right. But, you know, you're not stagnant. You know, you're constantly in motion. Well, that is a, yes, I define. You texted me. Here's a, yes, I define. You texted,

sorry to interrupt you, but you texted me, like here's a perfect example though. I'm doing a documentary on head trauma. Like what? What the fuck? I mean, I know she's touring,

you're in the middle of doing an HBO special, you've always got some shit going on, you've always got these projects and then you're like, I'm directing a documentary

on head trauma. I'm like, what? It was violence, right? It was on violence. Yes, yes, yes. directing a documentary on head trauma. I'm like, what? It was violence, right? Yes, yes, yes. You wanted to talk about violence. I was like, whoa, this fucking chick is crazy. Yes, I am. I mean, it is a literal disease.

I do have workaholism, which means you define yourself through productivity. And that's how my self-esteem is derived, essentially, through what I'm able to make. So you're so aware of all this. Yeah, I'm in pretty hardcore recovery for it. So, you know, I am in Al-Anon. I do EMDR. I'm in trauma therapy. Are you addicted to therapy?

Is that possible? You know what? I wish. I wish that I could actually find a healthy addiction. I found a lucrative addiction. Work is somewhat of a lucrative addiction. But I'm definitely addicted to waking up and being conscious

and self-aware. That's something that appeals to me. I wasn't in my 20s, but again, like we were just talking about someone earlier, being a mess isn't cute in your 30s and 40s. Being asleep and unconscious and just being a disaster

is just not cute anymore. Yeah. There's something about lazy people in their twenties that I find adorable. Yeah. But when I see a lazy guy turn 30, it's not cute. How about 40? How about a 46 year old lazy guy?

Nope. Like what? You didn't do that yet. Nah, I got to get to it. What? And also as a girl, I mean,

this is, I mean, guys have the stigma too, but as a girl, like you can be crazy in your 20s. You can't be crazy in your 30s. It's not sexy. That's not true at all.

Really? Yeah, you can be crazy. As long as you're not violent. Is it attractive, too? Yeah, as long as you don't show up at someone's house and break windows. Oh, fuck. Yeah, those days are over. Those days are really past.

It's like, what kind of crazy? My tits aren't big enough to behave like that and get away with it That's Really like that doesn't really help yeah It's like what you can get away with you can either get away with or you can't yeah like tits don't ever they're never the Tipping point really I don't think so I just feel like I'm as a woman you're already anything you do people want to call you crazy and Even if you just talk sanely at a little too high of a decibel level, and people are so quick to call us crazy anyway that I don't want to actually be crazy.

That's interesting because guys don't ever have to worry about that. They don't have to worry about the idea that you're too ambitious or that you're too forceful. Guys don't like it. No, but for a man, a man being that. Oh no, no, no, no. That guy being, he's decisive. He's an alpha. He's got his shit together. It's a turn on.

And then for a girl to be like that is like, she's crazy. Mega bitch, PMS, psycho. She's a psycho. She's stalking me. It's like, no, I just- I like you Yeah, or like I need to make plans right because I have to schedule my flight. Are we hanging out or not? She's stalking me like okay

Am I stalking you don't you think that that's a power move though that people do that to try to like make you feel insecure Saying something like you're stalking them or saying you know like when people act like that now Yeah, I don't overthink it as much now to me it's just more signifies unintelligence like when someone that went in a fight with me if we're together and you say crazy psycho or bitch I just lose respect for you because I'm like I know you have a bigger vocabulary than that and if you're leaning on these sort of like pop terms and these vague terms that get us nowhere, like I'm just going to lose respect for you. Well, those words, like unless someone really is crazy,

and if they are crazy, well, stop hanging out with them. It's like calling someone stupid. It's not productive. It's not helpful. Sometimes stupid is very productive. You know what? It is actually. You know what?

Some good words. Idiot is pretty good if you don't overuse it. I like dumb dumb. Dummy. I love dummy. I love dummy. You fucking dumb dumb. You dummy.

Because it's so belittling. I'm not even going to call you stupid. I'm going to call you dumb. It's so ruthless. It's ruthless. Silly goose is pretty good. Silly goose is like, you can kind of get away with it. You're such a silly goose. Yeah, you can't really get away with it. You're such a silly goose.

Yeah, you can't really get mad at someone for calling you a silly goose. You know what the worst insult, like if you want to hurt the person you're with, what do you say? If you want to hurt them. I don't know, what do you say? I know that I the most hurt I've

been is when a guy said to me in a fight, not bitch, are we allowed to curse? What? I'm sorry. Are you serious? I think we already have. I don't know these days.

Bitch, cunt. I don't fucking know. Who's ever told you you can't swear in the internet? I'm always getting sued. I don't know. I'm just, it's an instinctive,

I have PTSD. Microphones and saying cunt is just, I'm sweating. I'm already sweating. I'm a big fan. Big fan of the word. None of those words cunt. I'm sweating. I'm already sweating. I'm a big fan. Big fan of the word. None of those words hurt me.

They actually just make me lose respect for you. Right. Not you personally, Joe. But you're pointing at me. Shit. It's the first time you pointed. What I'm pissed at is this. It's these.

They're like clam shells. I grab. It looks like you're grabbing flies out of the air. Uh-huh. I am. Like fly trap. And is, I don't, I mean, our relationship was going to be over anyway, but we were arguing about something.

And he goes, you know what, Whitney? You're a lot. A lot? You're a lot. That bothers you? That, you know what it was? Number one, you don't even respect me enough to be specific with your insults. You're going to be vague.

And it just meant like all of you is too much. Like you're just too many opinions, too many things to say. You're too loud. It was just like be less of what you are. And that weirdly hurt me more than anything else. That's so strange. You're a lot. If somebody ever said that to me, I'd be like, yeah, bitch.

Yeah, see, but it tapped into an insecurity that I already have that I'm too much for men. That they, that I'm too much for men that they that I have too much Oh, the ideas from the opinions. I'm too alpha. Oh, we're getting deep here. Yeah too much for men guys guys are not super on board with girls like having opinions and and Appointments and you know that sort of thing I've noticed really yeah like opinions and appointments Do you realize for the last year I've hid my car from guys that I've dated? Why have you hid your car?

What kind of car you got? Well, I had a G, I have a Tesla now, but I had a G wagon. And I used to park it at the guy's house I was dating. They'd be like, can I walk you to your car? I'd be like, I Ubered. I would Uber, like, two blocks back to my G wagon. Shut the fuck up. Yeah.

Why would you do that? Because it would, like, weird them out and emasculate them. Because you have a nice car? Yes. Why are you dating broke dudes? I know. I need to work on that. Seth McFarlane hit me up. Hey. I don't know. Because I was like, I don't, I would never, like, not date a guy because he didn't

have money. I don't see my, you know, I don't think of that. Oh, okay. But I guess I did gravitate towards guys, our guys gravitated towards me who were intimidated by sort of my alpha they're gravitating towards you though I guess there are those guys that get taken care of by women and it's very strange this is guy you know I know me call you you don't want this guy but there's this guy that I know he's's an actor, and he's gone from one older wealthy woman

to another older wealthy woman, divorced wealthy woman to another divorced wealthy woman. Two is a habit. Two is you're looking for it, but I find... Well, that's what he does. He gets these girls to pay his bills because he's trying to act. He's trying to be an actor.

Oh, bummer. That's so not sexy, though. Oh, it's pathetic. I've done both. He's got a ponytail. I'm in. Sold. I will pay for that to get cut off. He wears knee-high suede boots sometimes. I want to kill him. You can't do that when you're broke. You can do that when you're a rich black man. You can't do that when you're a broke white guy. You can't even do that if you're white, if you're rich. You can do that if you're Pharrell.

Can Richard Branson wear knee-high suede? No. If he's completely naked. Moccasins? The knee... The guy with the stitching on the bottom around the edges? Are you... Would you be attracted to a girl who had more money than you?

Who earned it? Who didn't get it bequeathed to her? I have a theory that guys like girls who inherit money, but they don't like girls who earn their own money. Wow. More money than you. I don't think that would bother me. Well, they don't like girls who earn their own money. Wow. More money than you. I don't think that would bother me. Well, I don't have a money problem. You don't, but because money represents resources, and on a primal, primordial level, it means she's the alpha.

Well, does it? Maybe. I'm not worried about money. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, that's because you have it. Yeah, I've got plenty. Yeah.

So it's not like, oh, she could do something that I can't do. When you have enough money, this is the way I've always said, everything becomes free. Do you want to buy a car? Well, go get a car. Things become free. And when things become free, then money stops being an issue. When money is really an issue is when you don't have

it. When you don't have it and someone else has it, it's like, fuck, I wish I had it. How do I get it? I'll give you some. Oh, give me some just gonna give me some what about the money gonna give me Is that money still coming my way Right it gets this weird fucking you get this weird relationship and it Starts to represent more than just paying for a cup of coffee. It's am I a man? Am I a woman? Am I a...

But I do feel like I have become... This is going to sound so sexist. I feel like me making or being... Whatever this thing that has happened where I'm able to pay my bills. I'm doing... I'm miming a weird thing. Joe's mocking me. Some sort of a funnel.

This funnel. And what move is this? I don't know. At least Joe's mocking me. Some sort of a funnel. This funnel. And what move is this? I don't know, at least it's going away. It's not going into you. It's true. Guys, it has changed guys' relationship to me. I've noticed that ever since I started making money, guys sexually want to dominate me, choke me, spit on me.

Spit on you? Oh, I've gotten spit on. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman.

I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman.

I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a I got a I got a tell me what this is I had a guy put his four fingers in my mouth and just leave him there for like two minutes. What's that? I don't know.

Wash your hands first. Who's this guy? That's now people get sick. I have a seven year old. She's sick because she touches things and then touches her mouth. I'm like see that's how I get sick. Yeah. Well I mean I just learned so much about you.

You could never be single by by the way, today. You better make this marriage work forever because you're not going to be able to handle it. Because the hands and the mouth, it's very unsanitary out there, Joe. Oh, hands. Well, I'm not worried about myself. So he stuck his hand in my mouth. I'm worried about you. And it was, I've spent every night at the comedy store for 10 years.

My immune system is on point. I know. I shake about 1,000 hands a night after a theater show. And I think that sharing a microphone with 300 road comics every night does a number on your immune system. I never get sick. I never get sick. Shaking all those hands does it.

Yeah. I really believe that. Yeah. So sharing a microphone with Jay London, you're good for a while. It's like, yeah, for sure. He's like Pigpen. Everyone's Googling Jay London and no results good. For a while. Yeah, for sure. He's like pig pen. Everyone's Googling Jay London and no results found. You can find some. He was on Last Comic Standing. Oh, that's right.

So he stuck his hand in my mouth and I was like, this did not happen in my 20s. And I'm thinking, are we gagging me? I've lost the plot at this point. Did you ask him about it? Well, I'm sitting there and I'm just waiting for something to happen. I'm going to talk about this on a podcast. I can't wait. I'm not going to talk about plot at this point. Did you ask him about it? I'm sitting there and I'm just waiting for something to happen. You're like, I'm going to talk about this on a podcast.

I can't wait. I'm not going to talk about it to this guy. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, and then for a minute I was like, maybe he lost his balance. And he just had to commit to it because it would be too weird to be like, sorry. And then I was like, maybe he was worried I was going to speak or because I am a loquacious one. Maybe he just wanted to stop me from talking. I don't know what it was. But this did not happen in my 20s when I was broke.

Got spit on in the face. Spit in the face. In the face? Spit in the face. Wow. That's dark. Yes. Was it a broke guy that spit in your face?

No, actually. Was he wealthy? Yes. Hmm. Maybe more wealthy than dark. Yes. Was it a broke guy that spit in your face? No, actually. Was he wealthy? Yes. Hmm. Maybe more wealthy than you. Maybe. Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Here's the thing about this nebulous wealth that I have. Everyone thinks I have way more than I have, and it's been in the press that I have all this money, so I think guys that do have more money than me think I have more money than them, which I sort of, yes. Oh, I see. So maybe it was he thought I had more than I had.

So he wanted to spit on you? Yeah, he wanted to go, just so you know, bitch with the Tesla, I'm the boss. You think you're so cute with your TV shows? I'm about to fucking treat you like a tie hooker. There are people that like that, though. That's where it gets weird.

And if you date someone who likes weird shit, and then you go to someone else, and you're like, I know what girls like. I've had that recently where I dated someone. I was in a relationship that was relatively sexually perverse, and then dated someone who was very not, and I was like way overshot the mark. It's like, what was that?

I mean, I'm just, fuck it. I'm going to be single forever after this podcast. I did have a guy one time, because here's what you do now. I need more coffee. Jesus Christ. When you, this is too graphic. No. I feel like I'm covering a lot of the stuff that Neil deGrasse Tyson covered on this podcast.

For sure. Are we being, are we just. Let's talk about the moon landing. You have to gag on dicks now? No, you don't. Yeah. Well, if you don't, you will be. Exercised?

Yes. You will be, your head will be pushed down. Yeah. Guys, push your head down and you're like, oh shit. Okay. this is happening I'm like I have a fucking I have a Tesla two blocks away Why are you jamming my head on it

And then so I just thought that's how you did it And then I dated this guy And I did that And he goes oh no no no He's so embarrassing He's like don't do that He goes I'm actually not turned on by girls hurting themselves. And I was like, oh, God, I was so embarrassed.

I was so embarrassed. And I was like, okay, I'm off the grid. I've been off the grid. Now I'm back. And I just don't know what's normal anymore. Like, I don't even know. That's fascinating. It's fascinating to be a woman who's got a lot of money, who's got a lot of power.

Perceived. But in that, well, you got plenty, all right? We don't have to go over numbers. I'm not helpless. I'm not a damsel in distress. I don't need to be rescued, which a lot of guys want to, rescue girls, I think. If you make more than $34,000, YOU ARE IN THE 1% OF THE WORLD.

WOW. DID YOU KNOW THAT? NO. YEAH. SO YOU'RE IN THE 1% OF AMERICA. MM-HMM. SO THAT'S IT. YOU GOT A LOT OF MONEY.

SO MOST MEN ARE DATING GIRLS THAT ARE, LIKE, WAITRESSES OR BARTENDERS OR... ALL THE COSTUMES YOU DRESS UP TO PLAY ROLE PLAY, BY THE WAY. REALLY? WAITRESSES AND BARTENDING? THEY DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. available are like waitress, candy striper, secretary. Oh, that's a good point.

Nurse. There's cop. Nurse. Nurse is not subservient. They're kind of taking care of you. It's not doctor. Right. Ooh, true.

There's no doctor. There's no CEO. There's no MMA fighter. But there is the fantasy of like the boss who calls you into the office and makes you eat her pussy. That's a good point. That's a good point. Yeah.

There's a lot of that in those porn movies. Now that's encouraging. Yeah, but it's always like the guy has to dominate the boss. Yes. Right? Well, yeah, it's always she's like, where's that paper? And he's like, this paper dick in your mouth. It's always like that.

It's never like she's like, you're fired, and then he just leaves and jerks off. Right, yeah. That's a weird dynamic, though. And now that you're making me think about it, I never dated a girl who made a lot of money. Never dated a girl who made more money than me. That's for sure. I'm thinking about it.

Never. I don't think so. Maybe when I was, like, really broke. I think that, like, recently divorced guys are into it. Oh, right, because they don't have to pay cuz yeah they just had to pay give half of their shit away so I feel like they're a little more receptive to so I literally was saying to friends mine like hey set me up with your recently divorced friends they'll be into it but

don't think that there's like there's a broad dynamic right there's a lot of there's a lot of different kinds of people out there you have to find someone who's into a strong woman but not like a beta man that That's the thing. I want someone who's more alpha than me. You don't want like a male feminist who's like catering to you, who's like a beta, who wants to take care of the kids, who doesn't want to work and stay home. An equal. I lose respect for people very quickly. Because you're competitive. That's what it is. Is that it? You're a predator.

That's true. Not a predator in a bad way, but you have predatory instincts. You see weaknesses pretty quickly. Yes, good point. I do. Yeah. And once I see it,

I can't unsee it. That's why that guy freaked you out when he said, you're a lot. Because I'd tell you you're a lot, but I'd say it's a good thing. Like, you're a lot. He hit on my insecurity of I'm not feminine enough.

Like, I just want, like, in a relationship, I don't want to be the alpha. I want to be, like, the subservient, obsequious Asian girl, quite frankly. I don't want to have to be the boss in my relationship. Oh. I want. This is turning into some weird sort of dating advice show. I know. Will you stop letting me talk?

I want you to talk. It's okay. I'm talking about sucking dicks. This is a disaster. It's okay. I'm talking about sucking dicks? This is a disaster. It's fascinating. People are excited about this right now. There's dudes with their pants off all around the world. Thank God.

Hit me up. I'll pay your bills. But you don't want to pay their bills. No. It'll get ugly. It'll get ugly. I'll pay the... I won't pay the ostensible bill.

You'll pay the valet. You pay the... I won't pay the ostensible bill. You'll pay the valet. You pay the... I'll pay for the house and the vacations. You cover the valet. Oh, okay. How about that? That sounds like a good deal. Because I don't want anyone to think I'm paying. Because I did date a guy that did not have money, and I would wire him money

so that he... You'd pay him. So that when we went out to dinner, he'd pay. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY.

I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I WOULD PAY HIM MONEY. I mean, you're saying it's very hard, but I would imagine it'd be very hard. It's hard anyway. You know, again, it's, you know, I'm not like, I need to get married tomorrow and da-da-da-da-da-da. You know, so I'm not, but it's all, you know, it's a good comedian. The good news about being a comedian is you're like, I get to use it all.

I get to alchemize this and sublimate this pain into jokes. Yeah. So I just try to use it. Well, you've been doing that a lot on stage. You're talking about this kind of stuff on stage. Oh, yeah. Yes, I did in my last special. I was like, huh, I have not done stand-up since I shot my special.

I try to take like three months off after every special because I feel like, number one, I don't like doing old material because I feel like I just feel gross. And then, number two, I feel like I start doing a bad impression of myself if I don't

take a break and rewire my brain. That's interesting. Reboot. Stanhope likes to do that. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Stanhope takes big chunks of time off. He's detoxing, probably. He's got AIDS right now. He's in Africa. He just told me he has AIDS. He told me.

That's not true. Oh, yeah. I was like, he should fucking Charlie Sheen him. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. He doesn't have sex. Really?

Yeah. Very Gandhi of him. No, very drunk of him. Oh God. Because he can't. He killed his dick with booze. Is that something you can, that can bounce back?

You're concerned. Wait a minute. He was on my hit list. He's literally my type. He's the perfect guy for me. I don't know. I have to talk to him. Drinking problem, needs money, can't fuck.

He doesn't need money. He makes a lot of money. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah, he's pretty wealthy. He doesn't have a big overhead. Doesn't he live in New Mexico or something? Arizona, Bisbee, Arizona. He owns like a shack.

He's got the most bizarre house. Pull an image of Doug Stanhope's house because he puts it up online. Not only does he put it up online, he tells you where he lives. He's like he knows no one's going to rob him. No, they do. They could rob him. There's nothing there. Go rob him.

What are you going to do? Steal one of his wacky suits that he gets from a thrift store? He doesn't save anything. His pop-off vodka. He's got like a laptop. He'll steal that. He'll go get another one. He's got some comedy joke books.

Doug Stanhope. I SAW HIM IN THE COMEDY STORE. HE HAD THAT PLASTIC GALLON OF VODKA. THERE'S HIS HOUSE. THIS IS A PARTY THAT HE PUTS ON. I FUCKING LOVE HIM BECAUSE HE'S THE REAL DEAL. HE'S LIKE A REAL AMERICAN ORIGINAL. HE HAS A HOUSE IN BISBEE,

ARIZONA. HE GIVES OUT THE ADDRESS ONLINE AND PEOPLE COME TO HIS HOUSE FOR A SUPER BOWL PARTY. REGULAR. HE DOESN'T KNOW. ANYBODY. THEY DRIVE. PEOPLE HAVE FLOWN HOUSE FOR A SUPER BOWL PARTY.

REGULAR. PEOPLE HE DOESN'T KNOW. ANYBODY. ANYBODY. THEY DRIVE. PEOPLE HAVE FLOWN IN FROM OTHER COUNTRIES AND DRIVEN TO BISBEE, ARIZONA TO COME TO DOUG STANHOPE'S HOUSE. AND THEY COME INTO HIS LIVING ROOM. THEY HANG OUT WITH HIM.

HE'S GOT A GIRLFRIEND, BINGO, WHO'S LEGITIMATELY OUT OF HER FUCKING MIND CRAZY. LIKE MEDICATED, SEES THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE. ISN'T SHE LIKE SUICIDAL? I DON'T KNOW. I HEARD them or i heard them on stern i think could be you know i don't know if she's suicidal she's hilarious i wish i had a relationship like that do you he's still having he still has a relationship and i don't yeah all of these non-sex relationship i guess so it's just not sexual because he can't fuck or because he just doesn't doesn't have any desire to interesting yeah very interesting i don't i just you know i think if you just drink all the time and don't take care of your body just it's just like that's a wrap yep it's a wrap well i think most of you go

into survival mode i'm sure his body's just trying to keep him alive i don't have time to right now i don't know you know maybe like his body's like we shouldn't procreate let's just stop this BODY'S JUST TRYING TO KEEP HIM ALIVE. I DON'T KNOW. WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO FUCK RIGHT NOW. I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW, MAYBE HE THINKS IT'S SILLY. OR LIKE HIS BODY'S LIKE, WE SHOULDN'T PROCREATE. LET'S JUST STOP THIS. IT COULD BE THAT. IT'S CIGARETTES TOO. CIGARETTES DEFINITELY KILL YOUR SEX DRIVE. HOW OLD IS HE?

HE'S MY AGE. HE'S 48. BUT YOU LOOK LIKE, YOU'RE LIKE BENJAMIN BUTTON. YOU'RE LIKE AGING BACKWARDS. WELL, I WORK OUT A LOT. HE DOESN'T. BUT HE MAKES FUN OF ME. HE'S LIKE, HOW MANY SURGERIES HAVE YOU HAD?

I'M LIKE, I'VE HAD A BUNCH. SURGERIES? YEAH. THINGS BRE like, how many surgeries have you had? I'm like, I've had a bunch. Surgeries? Yeah. Oh, you like on your joints and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, things ripping and reattaching. Are you worried about your body from fighting and stuff? Yeah. No.

I used to be worried. Yeah. But everybody dies. Everybody dies. Yeah. I mean, I worry about some things when things aren't going so well. What happens when you don't work out? I might have to get this fixed. Your shoulder? No, no, no. I'm saying like when things go wrong. Yeah, I mean, I worry about some things when things aren't going so well. What happens when you don't work out? I might have to get this fixed. Your shoulder?

No, no, no. I'm saying, like, when things go wrong. Yeah. I start going, uh-oh, this one might not be good. What's going on here? Yeah. This is clicking. Shit.

I've got to get an MRI. I might break things. But I've had so many things fixed. Yeah. You know? Right. Do you think that surgery is now improved? Because I heard that the RG3 surgery is on his knee.

RG3? Wasn't that the quarterback for the Redskins? Who's that? RG3? Jed doesn't know football. I literally don't even know the rules. God, I love that. I don't know any.

Really? Yeah, the only thing sexier than a guy knowing everything is a guy knowing nothing. I don't know anything. I had a friend of mine invite me over to a Super Bowl party, and thank God I had a fucking excuse. But he's like, come on, go over and watch some football. It wasn't a Super Bowl party. I guess Super Bowl doesn't happen until February. It was a football party, a Monday night football party.

Well, the only reason I know is because the guy that owns it was explaining to me that the knee surgeries made his knees better than they were before the injury. My knees are definitely better than they were before my surgery. The surgeries can now improve your... Yeah. Well, I've had ACL reconstruction on both my knees. And the way they do it now, well, I have one they did the older way, which is a patella tendon graft where they take a big slice out of your patella tendon

and then they open you up like a fish and then they drill it into the knee, the tibia and the fibula. And that one's definitely stronger than a regular ACL. And then my other one I had replaced with a cadaver ACL, which is even stronger because they use an Achilles tendon, which is much larger. Oh, wow. And that one is much less invasive, too. OH, WOW. AND IT'S, THAT ONE IS MUCH LESS INVASIVE TOO. LIKE THE RECOVERY TIME IS INCREDIBLY QUICK.

LIKE I WAS, I WENT TO A PARTY FIVE DAYS AFTERWARDS. NO CANE, NO NOTHING. YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY. JUST WALK AROUND. PIMP LAMP. JUST WALKED AROUND. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A LIMP. WOW.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T HAVE FULL FLEXATION. LIKE I COULDN'T BEND IT ALL THE WAY. BUT, YOU KNOW, I GET ENOUGH WHERE I LOOK NORMAL. LIKE I BROKE MY SHOULD around. I broke my shoulder, and I should have gotten surgery. Surgery would have, like, the way he would have done it would have made it better. I just didn't want to get surgery. How long ago was this?

Two years. I just had four months ago, I had stem cell shots in my shoulder. Yeah. Where'd you go? Vegas. I was going to get shoulder surgery because I had a labrum tear and a rotator cuff tear And there's some apparently I've dislocated my shoulder before and you just didn't know it I didn't know but that's jujitsu is fucking so brutal. Yeah

When you're you know engaging a sport for 20 years and the whole purpose of the sport is trying to break body But yeah, yeah. Things go wrong, you know? And I guess my shoulder got dislocated and popped back in place, and I didn't know. Didn't even know it. So there's some broken shit in there. Yeah. And then I heard it again from practicing archery and from lifting too much weights. I just literally pulled some of the tendon off the bone.

Literally pulled it off myself. Like, I didn't do it. Nope. It wasn't like someone yanked on it or I fell. I just kept pulling. My shoulder would get sore. I'm like, shut up, pussy. Oh, yeah.

See, that, you've got, see, I have that inner monologue of if it hurts, you're doing something right. That's how I grew up. You know, if you're in pain, like, things should hurt. And so I never. That's an athletic thing, though. Yeah. I never say uncle. But you can get, if your shoulder's an athletic thing, though. Yeah, I never say uncle.

But you can get, if your shoulder's still fucked up, you get these stem cell shots now. It's incredible. I'm sorry, I got the plasma where they spin out the white blood cells. Is it that one? No, that's platelet-rich plasma. Yeah, PTP. Yeah, PRP.

PRP. Yeah, and that's really good. That helps healing, reduces inflammation. And there's a more advanced version of that, which is called Regenikine, which I had a series of those done on my shoulder, which helped a lot, but it was more of a temporary fix. It would help. It would reduce the inflammation. It would help the pain, but then slowly but surely, because I kept working out, the pain would sort of reemerge. But the stem cell shots were a fucking complete game changer. And people always ask, The stem cell shots were a fucking complete game changer. Wow.

And people always ask, how much does it cost? It cost $2,500, which is a lot of money, I know. But the fucking result, one shot. I mean, my shoulder is fantastic now. It's your body. I worked out today. No problems, no pain. I mean, I did chin-ups.

I did rows. I did all these different things. It doesn't bother me at all. That's amazing. No pain. I was like that close to surgery. I was like, I just can't keep doing this. It used to make all these different things. It doesn't bother me at all. Like no pain. I was like that close to surgery. I was like, I just can't keep doing this. Like it used to make all these clicks. It makes way less clicks now.

I used to have to wear that shirt that the shirt that has Velcro on the back that pulls your shoulders down. It's like I'd have to wear it like 30 minutes to wait. The one that, who's that basketball player that wears it? Jamie would know. Yeah, the tall black guy. Does that narrow it. Jamie would know. Yeah, the tall black guy.

Does that narrow it down? It's a shirt that, it's probably a compression shirt, but it has Velcro on the top and the bottom, and they adjust it so that it changes the way that you walk and stuff. Right, I get it, yeah. Well, there's just amazing new innovations in science and medicine, like what they're able to do. There's this guy, I think his name is Peter Welling, the guy who invented Regenikine, who's in Germany, Dusseldorf, Germany.

All the fucking Germans, always. Well, they don't have the same restrictions that we had for the longest time. For developing it. Yeah, well, the fucking, the entire Bush administration fucked science and medicine in this country where they couldn't do stem cell research. And then they finally figured out how to do autologous through your fat.

They take stem cell through your own fat or through your bone marrow. They drill a hole in your hip. They suck marrow out, make stem cells out of that. But they don't even have to do that anymore. Now they use placenta from a woman who has a cesarean section. They take that placenta, make stem cells has a cesarean section. Yep. They take that placenta, make stem cells out of that, and that's what I got. I put that on my face.

You do? Yeah. You put it on your face. Placenta and colostrum. Whoa. Colostrum. And spit, apparently. A lot of weird fluids on my face.

Yeah. Well, this guy, this doctor, they are literally months away from releasing this new procedure that they have that reinvigorates collagen in your skin like changes your body's production of collagen they have some sort of an injection and through that injection your body reproduces collagen like it did when you were 20 Wow yeah people's face is just gonna wrinkles are just gonna go away they're like this is a fucking complete total game-changer Wow when is that coming go away they're like this is a fucking complete total game changer Wow when is that coming out well they're setting up the infrastructure right now

just to deal with the amount of patients the overwhelming amount of patients they're gonna get as soon as this happens it's gonna be like a trillion dollar business once it launches let me ask you a question would you as a man do it fuck yeah why not yeah why not good why not I'm glad to know I mean I don't think I get my fucking face, I don't think I'd get my fucking face cut back. I wouldn't get my nose fixed. I don't think I would get my lips done. You have a good nose. Why would you get your nose fixed? I had my nose fixed.

Really? For the inside of it. Oh, got it. Like the cartilage and all this shit. But it actually made my nose wider in some way because they shoved these wedges in there. I think it's proportional to your face. You don't want a smaller nose. Thank you. No, I don't want a smaller nose. Have you broken it a ton of times? Oh, yeah. Tons. I don't even know how many times. Really?

Oh, yeah. Do you even go to get it fixed? Now? Or you're just like, it's broken? Once I did, but I didn't get it fixed until I was 39 or something like that. 38, 39. Wow. Maybe when I got it done, but it was amazing.

Wow. Oh, God. It was the greatest thing. I broke it for the first time when I was five. I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five. Smashed my nose. You were neglected. Well, I was a latchkey kid. Open the door, get outside.

And I fell down a flight of stairs, smashed my nose, and it's been crooked ever since. But the inside of it was all fucked up. And then from a lifetime of martial arts, kickboxing, it's just been hit so many times. It was always bleeding. There was always something in there. So when your nose bleeds, you've seen cauliflower ear. Cauliflower ear is from the break in the ear. When the tissue breaks away, it fills up with blood,

and that blood calcifies. That also happens in your nose. So the inside of my nose was filled with hard calcified blood that it just it had just been smashed so many times that i couldn't breathe like i had no breathing out of my nose like this one was like my left nostril was like jesus no the right nostril was just locked down and that probably is not good for an athlete it's terrible yeah especially for kickboxing because i always had my mouth open yeah and you and you have the mouth garden. Exactly.

So it's hard to breathe, and if you open your mouth and you get hit with your jaw open, you get fucked up. So it was never good. But I didn't get it fixed for the longest time, but once I did get it fixed, it was amazing. It was like... I know. You're like, is this how everybody just lives all the time? They shoved these big fucking things up my nose, these big foam tubes and stretched it out. There's things called turbinates in there.

They trim the turbinates. So they literally change the shape of the inside of my nose and shove these things up. And my nose is like a little wider since I had it done. I get really bad migraines. And when we were trying to figure out what it was, like playing whack-a-mole with how to eliminate certain variables, they did cortisone in my sinuses. And that made me breathe so much better. Cortisone? Cortisone in my sinuses.

So you had some sort of inflammation? A lot of us have sinus inflammation that we just don't know about. And I was much less nasal and I sounded less like Fran Drescher, which. Some people like that though. They like that sound. For like five minutes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I love that. No surgery, whatever. No surgery. Yeah. So, but if your shoulder still fucks with you, you should really think about going. It does. Well, women have, we hold a lot of our emotion here and in our shoulders and necks and purses. So my surgeon was like, you cannot carry a 30 pound purse with all your shit in it.

You know what you need? What? A fanny pack. Fanny pack. Yeah. I have them. I'll get you one. Really?

Can I get a Joe Rogan fanny pack please? We need a new shipment? Contact them. Get a shipment. Get me on that. Yeah, because women, we carry,

I was carrying a purse on my broken shoulder and it really fucked me up. Why wouldn't you do it? Why wouldn't you carry it on your other shoulder? Because, I mean,

it's just like, even when this was, I did six months of physical therapy on this right one, which is, as I'm sure you've gone through, is so fucking boring.

You just sit there and have to rock it back and forth. Did you go to a place to do it? Yeah, Colonello. Yeah, I did it once. And then I went home and I got these rubber bands.

I'm like, these exercises, I'm like, I'm just doing it at home. It's crazy. It's so annoying. And then I had to, because of, you know more about this than anyone, if I hurt this thing, it affects the left and then it affects my hips because it's all connected. So I started sort of having to do my whole body. And that's when I got an ass.

Really? Yep. That happens to a lot of people, not getting an ass, but you hurt your knee. And then because of your knee, you'll get a left hip problem. Yes, because it's all rubber band, right? And I am hypermobile. Hypermobile. Hypermobile, which means I lift and run and everything with my bones and not my muscles.

So I had to relearn how to like, fuck does that mean? It's a very like Western European inbred bullshit sort of thing. I also have, um, uh, all these good slaughters in my knees, which just means you're,

you get like a bone spurt and your bones grow too fast. So I have like this. Oh, hollow. What is that thing? It's just like, it's a tumor. It's just that thing? It's just like it's a tumor. It's just like a ball. It's like a ball of nerves. It's an alien. Yeah. I just was like just G and probably GMOs plus like GMOs, I would imagine, plus like, you know, a Western European

mutt alcoholism gene. And so the bones get like, does it hurt or just just sticks out? I had like a, just grew too fast. Really? Yeah. You know, that happened to my Mastiff. Huge with dogs, especially purebred dogs. Yeah. My Mastiff, they were, like, he was getting some, like, limping issues. And it was when he was a puppy. And they were saying that he has too much protein in his food.

You have to buy him large dog food. And I'm like, what? Like, large breed. Because I was feeding him, like, raw eggs.G FOOD. I'M LIKE WHAT? LARGE BREED? I WAS FEEDING HIM LIKE RAW EGGS. YEAH, YEAH. REALLY HEALTHY STUFF. AND HIS BODY WAS GROWING TOO FAST. WOW.

HE WAS GETTING LIKE HE WOULD HAVE A LIMP. I THOUGHT UH-OH, HE MIGHT HAVE HURT HIMSELF. I BROUGHT HIM IN. I'VE HAD DOGS THAT HAD ACL SURGERY. PITS? YEAH. THEY HAVE NOTORIOUS. I HAVE A PIT AND A GREAT DANE PUPPY WHO I'M GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING WITH. HE'S JUST GROWING SO FAST. Pits? Yeah. Yeah, they have notorious. I have a pit and a Great Dane puppy who I'm going through the same thing with.

He's just growing so fast. I had this female pit that had both her rear legs done. She had one rear leg. Like, all of a sudden, she had this weird limp. Like, she was walking around with one foot off the ground. So I brought her in. They had to fix that. They do it by changing the angle of the bone.

They cut the bone so the bone, like, it doesn't, you know, like, instead of it, like, falling backwards, they cut it at an angle so that it doesn't do that. Interesting. Yeah, it's weird how they do it. They don't do it like a person where they replace the ligament. They change the shape of the bone. Can I just say something random? Yes. I'm so glad.

I mean, I'm sure we'll look back in 20 years and there'll be so much new technology. And we're like, I can't believe we lived in a day where we didn't have the stem cell injectors at our home or whatever. But, like, my dad got sick with my animals getting sick. I'm like, thank God we don't live in the fucking 20s when they were guessing. They were just guessing. Like they worked out all the kinks. Telling you you should smoke cigarettes. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Did you ever see that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio where he played the aviator. Yeah, of course. Howard Hughes. Yeah. His parents, Howard Hughes' parents

were telling him, like, listen to the doctor. You need to smoke cigarettes because it would make you more vigorous. Oh, Jesus Christ. They used to tell kids that. They used to tell people that.

I mean, is milk as good for you as it's supposed to be? It's definitely not good for you. Someone's explaining that because of the amount of, it actually strips your bones of vitamin D in some way. I don't know. I'm not an expert, but we might look back one day and be like, milk isn't as good for you as we thought.

Here's the deal with milk. This is a big part of what's wrong with milk, homogenization and pasteurization. So when you're drinking milk, you're drinking milk with no enzymes in it because it's all boiled down so you can keep it on the shelf for a year. Yeah. Even overcooking vegetables, you're not really getting that. You know, and ordering a salad at a restaurant could be the most unhealthy thing because it has so much fertilizers and chemicals and stuff on it. Well, it can have E. coli.

That's a big one because water that's run off from the fields, from pastures where cows are shitting and that can be a real issue. And women get over 50% of their calories from salad dressing? What? I brought that somewhere. 50% of your calories? What are you drinking? Ranch? Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Women always eat salads and they think they're eating so healthy

and they're just eating salad dressing. Croutons and trans fats. just like the garbage. Trans fats. And then the almost sometimes the worst thing you can get the grocery store is just an apple because of all the shit in it and chemicals on it and the dyes. You know what I like on salad? I like oil, olive oil and vinegar. But good luck trying to find that shit at a restaurant. Really?

Yeah, it's hard. Just get oil and vinegar. Most restaurants, they only give you balsamic. It's true. It's true. Garbage, garbage. Creamy this or that. Be that guy that shows up with a dressing and a flask.

That guy's not good. That guy is not good. My vagina will dry up. Can you imagine? What if a guy shows up with his own wine? What if a guy shows up at a restaurant? He'll be alone like a man. Okay, drink it out of a flask like an adult.

How would you feel if you went to a date with a guy and you went to a fancy restaurant and he pulled out, he had a bag with him, like a velvet bag. For a satchel. He pulled out his own wine. A rosé? Yes. No, it would have to be a red. A Sutterholm? Yeah.

Jacob's Creek? If you're going to bring your own wine and it's like a white wine, you should really go dye. I have a good one. I went out with a guy who's an actor. I like how you said that. Because that's how you should always say it. Just like mocking. Oh, you want to be an actor.

Actor, do ya. What a great idea. There's none of those. You'll flood the market. He was more of an actress, actually. He had long hair and he sort of conned me into going out to dinner with him And it's a guy that was dating my my friends the older ladies the same guy with the knee-high But possibly this guy actually works quite a bit and we went out and Comfortably a foot and a half shorter than me or less feels like it and he was wearing his hair down when the food came he put his hair

up oh christ and then when they took the plate away he took it back down oh he's gotta die i mean put him in a sack i literally was like i can't i don't what do i do just is that why we should own guns as americans i was like i now feel like we all need a handgun i need a handgun and he did when he was talking about like a trip to like Italy or something. And when he taught, he'd be like, you know, and then the,

you know, police said to me, which means take a left there. And then, so he would talk in Italian and then translate it for me. It was such a bummer. So he's trying to let you know that he's bilingual. Yeah.

I don't like it when guys hurt themselves. You don't need to gag for me. It's not a turn on. Oops. My mouth is numb. It's fine. I've had a lot of really, because I am just sort of singly, and I also went on a date with a guy who, at the end of the date, put his hand up and said-

High-fived you? All right, dude. Wow. I'M GOING TO DO THIS. HE PUT HIS HAND UP AND SAID, ALL RIGHT, DUDE. WOW. THAT'S A ROUGH ONE. IT WAS ROUGH. I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN SHOT.

I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN SHOT. ALL RIGHT, DUDE. WOW. IT WAS ACTUALLY LIKE A, WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS THING? IT'S LIKE A SPRING BACK. ALL THE WAY BACK?

YEAH. SO HE'S GOING FOR A VERY HARD HIGH FIVE. I KNOW. HE'S GOING TO GIVE lot of impact. Are you going to hit me? I wasn't sure. He's going to throw a ball, and you're going to go fetch it. And then that's when I get. Totally.

I was like, that's when I realized, oh, I am now gender neutral. No, that's not true. Guys don't see me as a girl. I think what you've nailed it already is that there's a lot of guys that are intimidated by the fact that you're successful and ambitious. And I think that's a legit concern. You know, I was listening to this TED talk, TED radio hour, rather. Yeah, I listened to that. Have you listened to one of the-

Yeah, I think that's where I heard about the salad dressing. There was one of the recent ones, I forget what the name of the title was, but a disruptive leadership. Yeah. So the woman was talking about the word bossy and about how women are told to not be bossy. Like if a man does it, he's assertive. But if a woman doesn't, he's bossy. It was the first time that I ever heard that, that I thought, ooh, maybe there's something to that. You never, you never, I've never, no one's ever going to say,

Joe Rogan's bossy. Well, I don't, no one wants to be called bossy. No, you're going to say, like, he's, like, assertive and strong. But if they did say I was bossy, I'd be like, okay, well, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Yeah. Like, you know, like, a lot of times people get carried away or get caught up in the momentum of their own behavior

and don't even realize how they're acting. Yeah. Someone has to tell you, hey, you're being bossy, and you're like, oh. But they don't say that about guys. They could say the guy's a dick, or he's overbearing, or whatever, but a woman becomes bossy.

But then she was going on about, we should encourage men to not work, and take the role of child rearing, and let the women work, and I was like, okay, this bitch is crazy. It's too general. It's like this whole men and women, it's like you can't talk about.

It was personal, I think. I think it was her own trip that she was like trying to like make it more normal for men to do that. To be the one who takes care of the children. And we should encourage this. And I don't think you should encourage it one way or the other. You know, I think there's going to be a bunch of people that like that. I know a guy who's a mom. His wife works all the time.

She's like a high-powered executive. But she's fucking miserable. She works all the time. And the husband's always like, let's go on vacation. And she makes a ton of money. He doesn't make jack shit. He's a very bright guy, too. He's a professor.

But he teaches one class, rides his bike everywhere. He's a fucking total hippie. And she's fucking grinding, grinding every day. And they make tons of money, but it's not on him. It's a weird dynamic. Whenever we're all together,

I'm like, wow, this fucking relationship is so odd. I mean, it's interesting. I was talking to this neuroanthropologist. Holo. Holo. He,

you would like him actually. So this project that I'm doing has a lot of like sort of experts in it. Which project is this? It's a pilot for HBO where I have instead of like a friend who's like the exposition friend who's like, you know what you should do? You should get a makeover. And, you know, Malcolm Gladwell and Michael Moran are anthropologists and neurologists come in and sort of explain what's happening, because I think a lot of us sort of are pretending or are misinformed, thinking that we have choices and all of the decisions we make when so much of it is our primal reptilian brain just running the show and human nature taking over. And we like feminism, like, of course, I'm pro feminism, but human nature and evolution of neurology doesn't catch up as fast as social progress does. So a lot of this is against some level of human nature.

So I was asking him if he thought humans were inherently a matriarchy or a patriarchy and what animals are a patriarchy and which are a matriarchy. So like lions are pretty much matriarchal in terms of they sort of do all the work and the male lions sleep 22 hours a day and just wake up. Sort of, but the male lions are much larger and the male lions protect the pride. Yes. MATRIARCHAL IN TERMS OF THEY SORT OF DO ALL THE WORK AND THE, YOU KNOW, MALE LIONS SLEEP 22 HOURS A DAY AND JUST WAKE UP. SORT OF, BUT THE MALE LIONS ARE MUCH LARGER AND THE MALE LIONS PROTECT THE PRIDE. YES. THE REAL MATRIARCHAL SOCIETY IS HYENAS. HYENAS, YEAH. YEAH. AND BONOBO APES.

DO YOU KNOW HYENAS, THE FEMAILS HAVE FAKE DICKS? NO. YES, THEY HAVE A FOE PENIS. THEY HAVE AN ACTUAL PENIS AND THEY GIVE BIRTH OUT OF IT. IT'S AN ENORMOUS PENIS AND THEY MOUNT THE MALES. THEY'RE THE ONLY MAMMALS WHERE THE FEMAILS ARE LARGER THAN THE MALES. they give birth out of it. It's an enormous penis, and they mount the males. They're the only mammals where the females are larger than the males. Whoa. And it's because life as a hyena is so ruthless that male hyenas will regularly eat the babies.

So to keep them from eating the babies, the women are the gangsters. Have to be bigger. Yeah, yeah. They're bigger and stronger, and they dominate the men and fuck them. They fuck them with their giant fake dicks. Yeah. That's the happiest I've ever seen you, by the way, explaining that. I just saw glee sparkling inside.

I have a real problem with wildlife. I fucking love it. I love it, but it's also what does patriarchal mean and what does matriarchal mean? Does it mean physically bigger? Does it mean the female lion's doing the hunting? The male lion is pretty much the boss. They call the shots and are bigger, but they have to sleep most of the time to preserve their energy, and it's not economical for

them to be up and running around. Bonobo Apes, the women sort of call the shots in terms of who kills who and who's in charge, and they're sort of, like, have the resources and stuff, and because they're a gynocracy, is that what it's called? They use their vaginas to, you know, like

if someone's pissed off, they fuck them. Yes, a gynocracy. So they use sex to sort of placate and to get what they want. They're hookers. Yes, essentially, exactly. And so is that, you know, in humans we would say that's a weakness

and that's, you know, you're being... Oh, not true at all. You know. That's fucking standard. You're using what you have to make... So we were talking about that and he sort of was making a strong argument that humans could have inherent matriarchal traits that we, you know, oppress. That we oppress. like, you know, if, you know, what does power mean? And, you know, men are sort of designed to do the hunting and the killing and the protecting. And we're sort of designed to do all the organizing and all of the like bullshit work.

But we're not sort of allowed to do that a lot in this society. So it's just organizing or like, like family organizing, raising the kids, making decisions about not allowed to. You don't think so? Well, I don't know. I mean, it's... I think that we're criticized a lot when we do what we do best at. You know, we're called crazy and neurotic and obsessive

and she's obsessed with getting married and nesting in the house and she wants to change the carpet. It's like, that's what we're wired very well to do. Well, I think the reason why men will criticize that is because they don't understand those instincts. Like, my wife takes care of everything.

She's the one who's, like, responsible for all the... Like, if you go to my house, you'd be like, oh, this isn't even your fucking house. This is some chick's house. Like, I have a few rooms

in my house that are mine, clearly, but most of the house is my wife's design and all her shit. And she... I just let her, but I mock it

because I don't understand it. Like, I'll make fun of it, but it's.... I MOCK IT BECAUSE I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. I DON'T MAKE FUN OF IT. I THINK WHAT I SHOULD MENTION IS I THINK THAT WOMEN ARE SHAMED FOR THAT MORE THAN MEN SHAMING WOMEN. I THINK THERE'S THIS THING NOW WHERE IF YOU'RE LIKE GREAT AT ORGANIZING THE HOUSE AND COOKING AND CLEANING LIKE YOU'RE NOT A FEMINIST. I HATE THAT WORD. I DON'T LIKE THE WORD FEMINIST.

IT'S SO LOADED. IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE EQUALITY. THERE'S SO MANY HASHTAG FEMINISTS. It's so loaded. It's so loaded. And it's not that I don't like equality. I just don't like, there's so many hashtag feminists. Yeah. There's so many people that, there's people that I'm obsessed with. I'll go to their Twitter page because every fucking post they make is about gender. It's like the most of their identity is based on feminism. There's a giant chunk of what they do and they think they're being activists, but you're not.

And a lot of feminists or a lot of feminism doesn't mean being equal. It means women should be superior.'s like wait a second i thought the goal was that we were supposed to be superior at which means that we should equally be judged and criticized and all these other things that can't be like i'm going to speak out but you're not allowed to attack me or question anything if you do you're a misogynist if you question anything i say it's like no um so i think that is a very tricky place. And I'm working on this thing that's sort of about how our primal neurology, like what annoys you about your wife today, not you particularly, Joe, or what annoys you about your boyfriend today is what kept you

alive 2000 years ago. So essentially all the things that annoy your girl going through your cell phone today, 2000 years ago was her surveying land for tigers and threats. You know, today it just manifests in going through your cell phone. Looking for threats to the... Yeah. There's, we have streetlights now. We have alarm systems. We don't, you know, you don't need to be, you know, looking for paw prints because there

was a tiger around. You need to be like checking the cell phone and going through his computer and his emails. You know, that's the same impulse. We're not just going to evolve overnight to catch up with cell phones and street lights. Well, there's just so many classic stereotypes when it comes to gender roles, and one of my favorites is the

feminist that's always concerned with rape, and they constantly have all these rape tweets and rape awareness, and then you look at them, and they're morbidly obese, and they have pink hair. And you're like, well, what's going on here? Why is your entire existence, so much of your thoughts, whatever you're projecting online,

so much of it is about gender. And then they mock men. There's all this MRA mocking. Someone called me an MRA, and I literally had to Google it because I didn't know what it meant. What is that? Men's rights advocate. So feminists who mock men who want rights, which is hilarious. Oh, that's a bummer.

It is a bummer. But it's loaded. It's all so loaded. And it's so loaded. And it's the few radical ones give everyone a bad name. It's like, does every football player beat up his girlfriend? No, Ray Rice did. So now it's in the zeitgeist.

Well, I had this woman, Christina Summers, on my podcast a couple weeks ago. And she calls herself the factual feminist. And she's an older woman who grew up as a feminist in a time where she believes that it had a different meaning. And it was a true search for equality. But now she thinks that it's been sort of hijacked with fake facts and biased statistics and a bunch of studies that aren't really based on reality. And she confronts them. And she's like, this is bad for feminism. When you go around saying that women make 75 cents on the dollar, this is bad for feminism

because what you're not talking about is, well, what are the jobs they choose? And this is the difference between the jobs they choose. They're not as dangerous. When they do the same jobs, the difference in pay is very similar. So these are disingenuous comparisons, and these statistics are biased. Agreed, and I think that, you know, I talked to Maureen Dowd,

wrote this article two weekends ago in the New York Times about less women in Hollywood and less women directors and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, I saw that. And I think that my sort of point, and she's a friend of mine,

and we're working on something together, but I think my point when people ask me about, like, what do you think about less women directors in Hollywood? And I'm like, no one's talking about all the offers we get that we pass on. So no women in late night. You think that they wouldn't make a show with Amy Poehler right now as the host of a late night show? Right. They don't cover the women that pass. Amy Schumer was offered The Daily Show and she passed.

Right. No one talks about that. Right. So it's like I've been offered direct movies and I'm directing a movie next year. But I've said no because it's just not something that I really want to do. Why are there less female comedians? It's like, I mean, now I feel like there's not as much. But it's like because the lifestyle is fucking stressful. It's the same reason we might not have our own football league because we don't want to play a sport where we have to put a helmet on. It's just like, you know, so.

I think it's a harder gig for a woman. Stand up. Yeah. I think there's. Name one female comedian Who's married with kids? I? can't There was a Johnny McFarlane, oh, yeah, there you go, that's right, but she's married to a comedian That's true. It's to open for him on the road right and they passed the baby back and forth Comedian suck at football so that kid probably hits the ground quite a bit.

Well, she's a child now. She's not a baby anymore. But they get to do it together. Yes. And they have a great relationship. Yes. They're funny together. Yes.

And she's very talented as well. Yes. But it's a good point. It's a very good point. And I have, like, I mean, I even struggle to find female comedians who have, like, good relationships. That's true. Or any kind of stable relationship.

So it's not. Well, I think it's the same thing that you were talking about it's hard to find a guy who can deal with a woman that's got a strong personality you want a lot of guys they just want a woman to be cute what no way no fucking way i don't let them come see me you don't let them nope nope fuck no nope it's like it's like my dirty little secret it's like I'm cheating I'm literally will be like cheating on the guy I'm with with stand-up

I'm like I'm gonna run to Starbucks then I'll like go do a set at the comedy store and come home wow how bizarre I will not let the guy I'm dating see it

yeah we should probably talk about all this off stage I think you there's workarounds I don't know you need to establish parameters yeah maybe it's just

the wrong guys yeah it's 100% but I think that yeah you're dating bimbos it's true the wrong guys. Yeah, it's 100%. But I think that... Yeah, you're dating bimbos. It's true. You know what? Who else said that to me? It might have been Callan, actually.

I do date the... Himbo. Yes. You're dating himbos. I'm like a chauvinist. I was dating professional athletes and male models. Well, that's why I said... I used the word frantic, but energetic.

You've got too much... Fair. I used the word frantic, but energetic. You've got too much... And a lot of men, they're not going to match that. And sometimes, when you see people, if they hate, if they hate on someone, there's a lot of people that hate on Kevin Hart or someone like that. Why? Is he getting a backlash? Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh my God, that guy's got plenty of hate. Well, he's so ambitious. He's ambitious. He's so ambitious that he makes you feel lazy. Yeah. Look, I'm ambitious, and I see Kevin Hart. I'm like, I might be lazy. Yeah.

I might be lazy in comparison to him. Yeah. I mean, it's really what successful people do, right, is they just sort of illuminate our insecurities about ourself. For a lot of, yes. And they hold a mirror up to what we don't have. Yeah. And a lot of people, they don't do well with that.

And instead, they start attacking that mirror. Yes. Yes. And I heard a quote a long time ago that stuck with me, which is that comparison is the worst form of violence against yourself. And it's one that I know you're probably not a big quote, like inspirational quote person, but that's one that I stick to whenever I get stuck in the heat. She's got this and I don't. And she did this and I didn't. And I'm falling behind and all that sort of.

That's a good way to look at it because instead you should look at it like fuel. That uncomfortable feeling that you get when you see someone kicking ass. Yeah. You're supposed to go kick some ass. Use it. Go home and write.

Use it. Exactly. Go work out. Go to the gym. Do something. Yeah, because they have the same 24 hours, you know, we do, presumably. And that's how you get better.

Yeah. Like you don't get better because you're the shit. Yeah. Like and you're better than everybody. Like, ah, why would I even try? Like, those days are gone. Like, that doesn't exist anymore.

There's not this one genius that comes down from the mountain with all the great ideas. No, you have to be surrounded by other people that also have amazing ideas. Yes, to elevate you. And inspire each other. I mean, it's tricky because I feel like when I hear the word ambitious, maybe it's to your point about the word bossy and the disruptive leadership thing. I feel like when we say a woman is ambitious, there's this weird stink on that word. Like it gives me like a little bit of it makes me recoil a tiny bit because it makes I don't know why.

It's like it's kind of a dirty word when people say I'm ambitious. I get uncomfortable. But I think for me, I noticed recently I'm just turned 33. I don't need to be famous. That's not something that I need or I realize that I want. I think that in the beginning, I was like, oh, I was not seen and heard as a child. All I want to do is be seen and heard. And then in the last three years, I've done some work on myself and woken up.

I'm not just flying through space unconsciously the way I used to. Now that's made things very clear for me in terms of when I wake up in the morning, what my goals are and how I, I just want to be good. I don't want to be famous. And that makes my life a lot more sort of chill. And I also think that if I had a relationship with kids,

I wouldn't work this hard. It's just, I don't have kids. Right. You know, when you say you want to be good, what do you define that by? Good with your stand-up? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much every good stand-up that I know, and I think you're very funny, by the way. Every person like you, anyone that's good, that's pretty much the most important thing. Like, you know, I do a lot of different shit. Yes. But if anybody ever said, all right, Joe, you have to pick one, only one thing. Yeah. It wouldn't even be, there's not even a shit. Yes. But if anybody ever said, all right, Joe, you have to pick one, only one thing. Yeah.

It wouldn't even be, there's not even a thing. There's no thought. Like, I could always enjoy conversations with people without putting them in a podcast. Yeah. I could always enjoy watching the UFC without being a commentator. Yeah. Yeah. But. What would you do for free?

For an occupation? What would you do? I still do it for free. I do stand-up for free all the time. Every day. I don't think I've ever gotten paid to do stand-up, actually, up to this day. Honestly, I've never picked up one of my $15 tracks from the comedy store. I don't pick them up.

Tommy picked them up. Yeah, Tommy probably ate them. That fucking creep. But I think that, you know, for the first time, and I'm curious when you know you're good. Because, I mean, no comedian comes off stage and is like, crushed it. We're always just like, I shouldn't have done that. The ones that do suck. Suck.

Yeah. You know? And so I know that my last two specials, I can't even, I cringe even thinking about them. It's like looking at a photo of yourself in the 80s with what you were wearing. You're just like, oh, God. Like, this last one is the first time.

I wasn't like, this is great. It's the first time I was like, okay. Yeah. Like, that was passable. Well, it's so hard because you're so close to it you're there with it all the time so none of those jokes are surprising to you none of those jokes sneak up on you and that's what comedy is all about yeah comedy is all about like you have an idea you start with a premise and then you say something in that premise like when you

say if you start talking about um a clock and you start doing a bit about a clock, you're doing a bit about the clock. I'm like, OK, we're talking about clocks. And then you surprise me with some shit. I'm like, ah, yeah, that's half of what comedy is. And that's not available to you. Yeah, no, because it's a magic trick. And I know the trick. I know the trick.

So it's so hard to like. And also, you're so close to it because you're chipping away at it. And the only way to be good is to be like constantly introspective and constantly objective and constantly analytical and it's fucking brutal it beats you down i just know that if i know that this last one i taped on tape night i still kind of giggled at some of the con i still cared i still gave a shit about what i was talking about i wasn't phoning it in i wasn't wrote just saying something I had said 600 times. I still felt this sense of like, I'm saying something I care about, which to me is all I can ask for. That's the key, right?

To be in the moment while you're talking about the subject. Because you write it, you film it a year later. If a year later, it's still relevant to you or matters. It's like, okay, that I've succeeded. Do you, this is my thought about standup and tell me if you agree. I think that when you're, when you're on, like everything's going great, the audience is laughing really loud. You know, it's like you're, everyone's tuned in. I feel like it's a form of hypnosis. Yes. You feel the same way? It's interesting. And I don't,

and I'm actually not bringing this up because of your occupation, but I think it is very, standup is very much a sport for me. I agree that it's hypnosis. Yes, it's very. It's like to me, the only things I compare to are like sex and boxing because you can't be a second ahead. You can't be a second behind the other. The audience is 50 percent of it. I can't just do 90 percent.

It's like what I do next depends on what you just did. And it does become a very like hypnotic. Yeah symphonic Well, that's why hecklers don't realize what a fucking disaster They are like how they're fucking things up because you're you're fucking up the rhythm of the interaction Like all sudden you have reared your ugly head and now everything has to focus on you and the whole Trance has been transformed. Yes, totally and you've truncated this like vibe. I am not encouraging this because if I talk about this, maybe I'll get increased the amount of hecklers I get. I sometimes like hecklers because they keep me awake. You don't fall

asleep at the wheel. Sometimes I fall asleep at the wheel. Do you do a lot of sets? Is that what it is? Yeah. When I'm getting ready for a special, I'm like trying to time it out. I'm very embarrassed about this and I have shame around it, but I write it out in the Word document and I'm like a geek. I record every set and I do the same set and time it out and have four new tags. I'm going to try. I try one at each show. Like I'm not a savant that gets up on stage and just writes on stage. I wish I was that person.

I wish I could pretend like I just. Why do you wish that, though? I feel like there's shame, and maybe this is just like a high school attitude, but in comedy, there's still that, you know, the person that gets an F is cool. Like, the person who tries the least is the coolest. Oh, wow, that's so weird that you think that way.

That's because you come from athlete. I feel like people think I'm a nerd because I try so hard, and... That's so fucking strange. Really? That's got to be a woman thing. Maybe. Like a suppression of the ambitious woman thing. Yes.

It's got to be. Because I literally have all my jokes typed out on a Word document. I come to the comedy store and just pretend like I'm winging it. I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Joey Diaz gives me shit for having a notebook sometimes. What are you doing with that fucking notebook, dog? See, that is to shame a man for preparing. It doesn't work.

Good. Well, that's why you're you and he a man for, like, preparing. That's so, like... Yeah, but it doesn't work. Good. Well, that's why you're you and he's him. I write, dude. I write shit out. It's one of my favorite things, Attell. I remember one time,

because, you know, Attell has a new hour every six months. Right. And he was, like, writing in his composition book before a show, and I can't remember

what comedian came up to him. You know, some middle guy was like, what are you doing? What are you writing joke? Or what are you doing? And Attell goes, I'm writing jokes.

Ever heard of it? And it was just, you know, not particularly funny, but just so like, yeah, the greats write shit down. Did you ever see Greg Giraldo and Dennis Leary going at it on Tough Crowd? The fucking best. First of all, Dennis is sitting there like a fucking douche. In a leather jacket smoking. With sunglasses on.

He's got sunglasses on in inside during the filming right everything's going great for him he's on top of the world and giraldo keeps coming up with these funny lines brilliant yes and then he goes so this guy he's always got lines he goes yeah dennis this is a comedy show we write we write comedy writers yes the best and then he you know he shits i'm like oh this guy doesn't even have a tv show where's your show he goes actually had a show dennis it's canceled yeah you don't have to watch it uh mark marin made fun of me one time about that too like i was on his podcast and he was like uh he's like you like write jokes you do like jokes and i remember being like i'm so wait i'm so i don't

wait isn't that what we're doing here like I was like he was saying that alternative community it's very looked down upon to have like punch lines punch lines he was trying to say that that's a bad thing you have jokes I annoy mark very much why just the fact that I like have jokes and write jokes and prepare and like come on there's something that guy has jokes. He writes jokes. He does, but it's a little more, it feels more unscripted and extemporaneous and like an inner monologue. Just he's, you know, naturally funnier or something. And I'm not extemporaneously funny. I have to work. I'm a geek.

I have to be a geek. I feel like there's benefit in doing both things. I think there's benefit in free-balling and trying to come up with things and improvising and exploring the bits. A lot of times I'll set myself up. I'll dig a hole on stage on purpose and then try to fight my way out of the hole. Sometimes I don't, and that opens the door to hecklers for sure. But you've got to deal with that. But in that process, sometimes bits come out.

But I also write. I sit in front of the fucking keyboard all the time. I sit in front of a notepad all the time. And I feel like if I don't do that, there are bits that won't emerge. No. They just won't. Nope. And if I don't write them down, I'll forget them.

I was always, you know, people always, not people always, but whenever people say I'm smart, I get so confused because I got smart because I was not smart enough. I was always in the kid in class asking a million questions and taking a million notes. Like, I worked so hard to overcompensate for the fact that I wasn't smart that that's how I. I think smart's a loaded word, too. It's a very vague, nebulous. It's a nothing word. Yeah. It's a nothing word. But, you know a very vague, nebulous, it's a nothing word. Yeah. It's a nothing word.

But what, you know, like, accumulation of information is not necessarily intelligence. Like, there's some people that will say, they'll try to equate the two together. And I think you can learn things, you remember things, doesn't necessarily mean you're smart. I'm an encyclopedia of shit. There's a difference between being, like, you're articulate and, like, you're smart in that way. Like, I just read a lot of shit and spouting out facts doesn't make you smart. It's the same thing I do. I just spout shit out that I remember.

Yeah. That's what I do. No, I'm not smart. I'm plagiarizing someone else that I just read. Exactly. I just set a percentage and you think I'm smart. I mean, I'm smart about certain things. Like if you want to ask me about martial arts, I know a lot about it because I've studied it my whole life.

But you're insightful and intuitive and, you know, like an artist when it comes to that kind of stuff. You're brilliant with that stuff. Well, thank you. Because you have, like, you have a sixth sense, you know, that's a magical. It's not a sixth sense. It's just I've been doing it so long.

For so long, yeah. It's just data chunking, you know? Well, it's like when people, you know, and not to demystify sort of what we do or pull the curtain back too much, when people are like, you're so good with hecklers. It's like, well, there's no heckler I haven't encountered. Yeah. Any exchange I have with a heckler, I've done 500 times. So a heckler is like, hey, bitch.

And they think it's the first time I've ever heard it. And I'm like, OK, do you really want to do it? Comedian, club comics, there's nothing we haven't encountered. Well, especially if you work the store because there's no crowd control. There's so many videos online of me dealing with hecklers and people are like, well, how do you get so good at that? Fucking work the comedy store. And you can't even see them because what people don't understand,

the comedy store is the way Mitzi lit it is you're blinded by the light and they're completely anonymous. You can't even go, hey, fucking V-neck, because you don't know what anyone's wearing because you see a black mask. Well, there's also this thing that's going on in Hollywood that's very different than anywhere else, where there's a bunch of people that they're not fulfilled. Like, if you come to Pasadena and you do a set in Pasadena,

like, a lot of those people are not actors. They're not in showbiz. You work in Denver. Those are not showbiz people. You know, I mean, you'll occasionally get the non-showbiz heckler. Good point. But those fucking showbiz you work in denver those are not showbiz people true you know i mean you occasionally get the non-showbiz heckler but good point but those fucking showbiz failures that's some of the most bitter weird people that you'll ever encounter well here's the other thing is i think that people a lot of times that people that come to comedy clubs they they're they're the funniest friend in their group oh yeah do you know what i mean you always know when the guy's like oh you're

the funny guy in the group. You're the funny lawyer. You're the funny lawyer, but you're the you know, but I don't, I don't, hecklers for some reason don't piss me off that much. I don't know, maybe because I'm so sick of my own material that I'm an insult is like a respite

from my shit. You are opening the door. I know, I really am, but I don't totally mind. Maybe it's because I usually agree with them. When they yell insults, I'm like, that's a good point. I don't know what it is. There's some hecklers that are good natured and, you know, sometimes you

encounter people that are just trying to have fun. And those people aren't nearly as shitty as the ones you'll encounter that are just rude. I am so desperate, and I'm interested in your thought on this. I am so desperate to figure out how to be present because I can't do it. It doesn't come natural to me to meditate present in the moment. I do take yoga. No, I can't do yoga. Can't do it. It's not for me. Why not? My inner monologue is too treacherous. That's the whole idea. I think supposed to beat that down. I'm now doing this meditation practice that's based on

john bulby's theory of attachment which is to try to rewire your neural pathways in terms of how we attach to people and when you grow up in a chaotic environment your amygdala doesn't develop the pathways to i think is it hippocampus tell me if i'm wrong and bloviating um that uh calms your brain down because you're on such high alert as a kid. I developed an adrenaline addiction so early on that it's so hard for me to calm myself down, which is something I want to mention about smoking. A doctor told me that, not that I was going to, but was saying something about smoking is the inhaling of smoking. Because when you smoke, you take 10 deep breaths, let's say.

If you take 10 deep breaths without a cigarette, that's going to calm you down. So sometimes the placebo of smoking is just the inhaling, which I thought was interesting. That makes a lot of sense. If you go outside and just take 10 deep breaths, you're going to feel better with or without a cigarette. Do you know who Wim Hof is? Yeah. The ice guy that climbed to the top of the...

I do his breathing method before every set now. It's amazing. Wow. Have you gotten sick? Doesn't he say you can control your immune system he says you can i mean i haven't gotten sick but like i was feeling sick the other night but i ate a giant chunk of garlic my kids are sick like when you have kids they get sick all the time everybody in the house gets sick like my wife has a little bit of a cold my my middle daughter has uh like a pretty good cold she's been home from school for a couple days. Oh, no. But I just ate. I was feeling a little scratchy last night, so I ate just chunks of garlic, drank all this kombucha, and went to sleep. Yeah.

I'm fine. But my immune system is on point. I bet that, I mean, I'd be interested in if it changed. It's comedy clubs. I am telling you. It has something to do with that. I never get sick. But it's also healthy food.

I eat really healthy for the most part. I'm like bone marrow. Bone marrow is my new thing. Bone marrow. Game changer. Do you eat elk? I don't. Do you want some?

I was waiting for this to come up. I follow you on Instagram, so I'm just worried. I got a big commercial freezer. I'm going to go home with so much fucking meat. Do you want some? Do you cook? You know what? I do, but pretty much bone broth, bone marrow, and eggs are the only meats I do.

Wow. Yeah. Bone marrow, bone broth, and eggs. So I'm meats i do wow yeah bone marrow bone broth and so i'm about you're a fucking wolf i'm about i am like a wolf in the hen house eating eggs i'm now cracking bones essentially my ex-boyfriend used to call me now what's now now remember that jodie foster movie where she was raised by wolves christ because i got no attention as a kid and all like your movie now because i have no social skills or people skills. That's not true at all.

I'm working on it. I'm not socialized. I also have an extra bone in my foot. I'm not fully evolved. Like I'm still a primate. You have an extra bone in your foot like where a thumb should be? Like a webbing. I'm basically, have you got your saliva test, your DNA test thing?

No, I'm scared. That's 23 and me? You shouldn't. They won't let me vote. They won't let you vote? No, I'm scared. That's 23andMe? You shouldn't. They won't let me vote. They won't let you vote. No, they'll find out I'm a monkey. Yeah, if they see. So I am in the, I think, 99th percentile of Neanderthal deviation.

Really? Yeah. So you definitely have some Neanderthal in your past. Oh, yeah, I'm an animal. I'm a troglodyte. Troglodyte. Troglodyte fucking animal. Like, I eat things. eat like i was out with

um a friend of mine the other night and there was like a drink on the and i'll just drink other like i'll just drink trash like i'm just like a i'm like a barnyard vulture and this is just the way you grew up yeah like i just as like scarcity complex like you never knew when food was coming you never knew when you were gonna get attention again i wasn't socialized like that took me i learned i just learned how to make eye contact like two years ago i swear to god i'm not kidding the most basic shit i was like not i used to look like okay so i'm looking at you now i used to just look here for eye contact and someone like i'm looking at the like right side of your head this guy who worked with rob anderson finally one day was like do you know that you're looking at like like he was like self-conscious about like his hairline i was like THIS GUY WHO WORKED WITH ROB ANDERSON FINALLY ONE DAY WAS LIKE, DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE LOOKING AT, LIKE, HE WAS LIKE

SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HIS HAIRLINE. I WAS LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? I WAS LIKE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I'M LOOKING IN YOUR EYES. HE'S LIKE, NO, YOU'RE NOT. AND I ASKED ALL MY FRIENDS.

THEY WERE LIKE, OH, YEAH, YOU ALWAYS LOOK TO THE RIGHT OF OUR EYEBROW. SO YOU LOOK OVER THERE? I WOULD JUST LOOK OVER HERE. CAN YOU TELL I'M LOOKING AT YOUR EYEBROW RIGHT NOW? OR DO YOU THINK I'M LOOKING IN

YOUR EYES? I CAN'T. SEE, I'M SO BAD AT THIS, I DON'T KNOW. I'M LOOKING AT YOUR RIGHT EYEBROW RIGHT NOW. CAN YOU TELL? KIND OF. I'm so bad at this. I don't know. I'm looking at your right eyebrow right now. Can you tell? Kind of. That's so strange. But here was my question. I was like, is the right eye supposed to look in the right eye and the left eye supposed to look in the left eye? That's a

very good point. Or do I look like to the center of your nose? I think as long as you're looking at the eyes, it's okay. I think two eyes look at one eye. That's kind of what I'm doing now. You know, when you're some guys, this is always insecurity with me. Some guys, when they would fight, they would look their opponent in the eye. So aggressive.

I never looked them in the eye. So intimate. I always looked like in the chin. Yeah. And then I saw, but I looked peripherally. I looked like abstract. Yeah. I see the whole body.

I would always look at people like this. I know that when I am on stage and if someone's not laughing or if I'm not connected, like, I'll look them in the eye. And then that's how you get them to sort of be obsequious. Yeah, that's how you get them. Obsequious. Obsequious, is that it? You don't give a fuck with these words. You're attacking.

But eye contact is, like, the most aggressive shit you can do. Think about it. If you're in Trader Joe's and someone looks you in the eye, you're like, what, you want to fucking go? I usually say hi. Oh. How is it possible that I'm more aggressive than you, Joe? When people make eye contact with me, I usually say hi. Well, because you're famous and you know that's what they're doing.

But even if they weren't, I would just say hi. If you were in another country and someone just stared at you in the eyes and you looked at them and they didn't look away. I would think they're trying to steal my liver. Yeah. Something. Well, the chances are you probably are carrying a liver with the amount of meat you just have on you at all times. I have a liver back there.

You have a liver. I have some liver. I have a heart back there. Have you read this book called Source Nutrition or something nutrition? It's about how the organs of the animal have more nutrients than the meat. Oh, they definitely do. Wolves always go right to the liver. That's how they establish the alpha.

When they kill something, like if you kill a caribou, the alpha wolf will eat the liver. Liver first. It's all about how the human evolution of the brain was largely expedited once we started eating bone marrow because humans couldn't kill their own food in the beginning, so they would rely on eating the leftovers of wolves and lions and shit, and what was left over was always the bones and the shit that they didn't eat so they started eating the marrow and then their brains started growing exponentially and then they were able to start developing tools and hunt their own food then they started eating meat again because they hunted their own

food stopped eating the bones and what they thought was the leftover trash and then sort of plateaued it's so fascinating when you think about human beings, because what I've read is that human beings have been in this shape, as far as we know, for roughly 200 plus thousand years. But we've only been talking for 70. Wow. So like our ability to communicate was only established about 70,000 years ago. So for the first 130 plus thousand

years, there was no talking. Which sometimes talking is just confuses people. I feel like we can communicate so much better non-verbally than we can verbally. That's not true at all. I know. I'm being, what's the word? Hyperbolic. Facetious. Yes, yes. I know that I talk too much. I should talk less. But there's always these theories about, like, why the brain is the size that it is. Like, the doubling of the human brain size apparently is, like, the biggest mystery in the entire fossil record of any animal. Fascinating. Like, they don't know.

They don't know what it is. There's all these theories about maybe it was the consumption of more protein. But then the problem with that theory is, well, what about mountain lions? How come they don't have giant fucking brains? What about bears? Why don't they have the biggest brains? Then there's the other theory is that we developed the throwing arm and that our throwing arm, the ability to throw at something and hit it,

it led us to these problem-solving skills, all these different, because we figured out, oh, I can develop a tool now. Yes, yes. I can develop a weapon. But that doesn't make any sense either. The most fascinating one is Terence McKenna's. What is his? Because Terence McKenna's, he has a theory called the stoned ape theory.

And his is based on psilocybin. And he believes that, and the crazy thing about this theory is it coincides with climate change. Because two million years ago, the rainforest, the climate had shifted, the rainforest receded into grasslands, and he thinks that these primates came down from trees and started experimenting with different food sources. And one of the things these undulate animals, cows and the like,

they would shit, and then these psilocybin mushrooms would grow on cow patties. Well, they would flip over these cow patties looking for bugs and worms because they were always underneath there to eat, but they also had these mushrooms that were growing on the cow patties. Well, they would flip over these cow patties looking for bugs and worms because they were always underneath there to eat. But they also had these mushrooms that were growing on the cow patties, and a lot of them were psilocybin mushrooms. And that these psilocybin mushrooms, which were incredibly common in this area, when you eat them in low doses, they increase visual acuity. They make you horny.

So that would make a better hunter and more likely to breed. And then in high doses, they have these transcendent psychedelic experiences and they would allow them to think out of the box be more creative also psilocybin has been known to regenerate neurons like there's all these subjects are doing right now about the properties of psilocybin. Do you recommend this pill? What pill? Some mushroom pill sorry I keep pointing at you. DOING RIGHT NOW ABOUT THE PROPERTIES OF SILICIBAN. DO YOU RECOMMEND THIS PILL? WHAT PILL? SOME MUSHROOM PILL. SORRY, I KEEP POINTING AT YOU. I'M GOING TO STOP DOING THAT.

IT'S OKAY. POINT. THE, IS THERE, WHAT IS THAT? CORDYCEPS, SHROOM TECH. WHAT'S THAT? YES. THIS IS ALPHABRAIN. THIS IS NOT MUSHROOMS.

ISN'T THERE ONE THAT'S... YES. CORDYCEPS MUSHROOM. BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ONE. SHROOM TECH. SAME COMPANY. THAT'S MY COMPANY. BUT IS IT THE SAME THING THAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?

NO. NO, NO, NO. SILocybin is magic mushrooms, psychedelic mushrooms. Oh, okay, for real. You don't have any psychedelic experience? Nothing? Yeah. Have you done mushrooms? I've done mushrooms. I did LSD.

I still have scars on my knuckles. Punched people when you were on acid. Punched myself. You boxed a wall. I did. And won. No, I remember the one time I did like acid acid, like the tabs of acid was in Rehoboth Beach, Maryland.

Don't be jealous. And we were playing, do you know the card game Asshole? You know, where you like, we would do when you lost you, the card deck, you would cut someone's knuckles with the card deck until it like bled. I know, hardcore white trash shit. And so I still have like little scars on my knuckles from that. And then- On acid? Yeah, and then I still have like little scars on my knuckles from that. And then-

On acid? Yeah. And then I like lost my mind. So I never did that again. I go hard. I am a ride or die. And so I never did acid. And then I spent the next like 18 hours being like, this is never going to end.

This is never going to end. This is awful. And then I did mushrooms a couple times, but it's not- That's a let go thing. The thing about psychedelics is the bad trips come from the inability to let go. I had a hard time with it when I first started doing psychedelics as well. It's like you try to battle it. You can't battle it.

You have to just succumb to it. You just got to give in. I was 13. I mean, I had no mental ability. I had no recovery. That's crazy. You're 13. Jesus Christ.

If I did it now, I probably could acquiesce a little better. Most likely. Hopefully. Have you ever done isolation tank? No. I did. You know, Amangiri in Utah, the Amon, it's like a, I did like a deprivation tank. That's different.

Sensory deprivation tank. Yeah. Same thing, different. What is an Amangiri? Amangiri, it's like this wellness place, and they have a giant sensory deprivation tank where it's like two inches of water, and you float in this black bowl.

It should be a lot deeper than two inches. Oh, it's two inches. Or maybe it was more than that. Well, in order for your body to float. Five, whatever, however many is required. It's usually like 12. Okay, 12. Now you're just saying I'm fat. No, I'm saying your body to float. Five, whatever, however many is required. She's like 12. Okay, 12. Now you're just saying I'm fat.

No, I'm saying a person's body. If you're two inches, you're not big. My ass was smaller than that. Half of your body has to be underwater. Whatever it is. And you float. So, obviously, you're dealing with some mass. Yes, yes, yes.

And you have to have like 11 inches or so of water. Right. I love how literal you are. You know what you are? You're the guy in a fight who you can never win because you just stick to the literal facts. And anyone exaggerating is going to lose. So I feel like you're the guy who's like, I didn't say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.

I would never do that. No? Like on the form. Like you're going to win on a technicality. That seems like a ridiculous way to have an argument. Yeah. But I find that smart guys, like I was dating this guy who's a doctor, and I could never,

I'd be like, well, I mean, it's not like you were there. He's like, I was there at 2.30. I'm like, but you were late. He's like, I was, like, stuck to the technicalities. Well, I think truly smart people don't get involved in relationships

with people that argue over shit like that. Interesting. You got me. You got me. But I'm a comedian, so I don't know if this is because of chicken or egg. I tend to exaggerate things. I'm like, it was like two inches of water.

Makes it funny. Yes. And it screws up my relationships because you lose credibility. Everything goes back to you fucking up these relationships or these relationships not going well. Being a comedian, I know. It's fucked me. Or maybe it's the crutch i lean on to uh so that i don't have to just take responsibility for my i think it's gonna you

until you find the right guy and then it'll be great yeah it's not that it's just it's it's all i mean it's the same thing with everybody it's like whatever it's like some people have personalities that are more compatible with more people yes but your personality i'm sure is compatible with somebody you just gotta find that find that person who's the right key to your lock or vice versa. I'm just so impressed by you because your career and your personal life are equally successful. Just fortunate. Very lucky. Very lucky.

But I also think about it a lot. I work on it a lot. You do? Both things. I think if you're not, like, comfortable in either or... Like, I read something today that made me sad. I cried. Whoa. I cry all the time. I'm such a bitch.

I love it. No, don't do that. Crying is strength. Strength and vulnerability. It was about Scott Whelan from Stone Temple Pilots, and it was a story that his wife wrote. The Rolling Stone one. Don't glorify... Yeah, don't glorify tragedy. Made me so sad.

Addiction is nasty. It was not just the addiction. It was the way he treats his kids. Yeah. The way he sort of replaced his children. He had a son and a daughter with the first wife. And then once he got the new wife and he had a new family, he replaced his family. And he just stopped paying attention to his son, stopped paying attention to his daughter. They never went to his new house.

And all that was just such a bummer to me. It was such a bummer. Addiction, though, is like nasty. It is. By the way, the kids that didn't live with him were probably better off. I know that's a fucked up thing to say. Maybe. You might be right.

You might be right. Maybe. Being raised in addiction is... God damn it. Yeah. Heroin is so fucking scary. Addiction, you can never, you'll never win. No, you're right.

You're right. But I work at it. I think you have to work at it. If you don't work, like, especially, like, taking care of kids, like, it's so fucking important. You know, because you were neglected and because I was neglected, I think we have that thing in our head. And I'm fucking bound and determined to, like, let my kids know that I love them, I care about them, and I spend a lot of time with them. And I don't talk about it too much.

And it's also not just time. I'm not on my phone. I wasn't alone in a basement. You were ignored. I had people next to me who were with me, but they weren't hearing me or seeing me. I was invisible even though people were around me. They weren't interacting with you. Which is sometimes more confusing to a child than just complete absence.

Yeah, definitely. Because then I'm being rejected on a minute-by-minute basis by someone who's choosing something else over me. So the most tragic thing is when you see the new alcoholism, I think, is kids with their parents. Their parents are on their phone right next to them, completely checked out, but right next to them. So you're there, but you're not there. Yeah, that's a really common thing. But here's what's fucked up, and this is something that I struggle with, and a lot of my friends who have kids struggle with as well.

A lot of people become interesting because of adversity they face when they're children. And then you have children, and the last thing you want is your children to experience adversity. But the people that you like all come, all my friends came from fucked up households every single one of them well the good news is with bullying and all your kids will find it i'm sure there'll be plenty of adverse i hate to break it to you but there'll be a lot of adversity i would imagine that you can't you know well there's always going to be outside of your sanctuary of your home but i'm what i'm saying is they all came from fucked up houses but this is all but there but there's also no, you tell me, I feel like the last generation was just kind of a wash. Like, I don't know that many people who had, like, great childhoods just because, like, that generation of men, alcoholism was so rampant in the 50s.

I mean, people don't think about the fact that, like, in the 20s, this country had to outlaw drinking. That's how bad it was for 10 years. That's not why it happened, though. In the 20s. That's not why it happened. Why did it happen? It happened because they outlaw drinking. That's how bad it was. For 10 years. That's not why it happened, though. In the 20s. That's not why it happened. Why did it happen? It happened because they outlawed marijuana. Right, right.

But this is what happened. Okay. What they did was they tried to control the population. And one of the ways they were going to control the population was outlawing drinking. Right. They tried to put a shackle on people because they didn't want people going out in the streets and doing these things.

But what they did is they empowered organized crime. And in doing that, what they did was they just made Al Capone rich, they made all these people rich. And then once they did that, then they tried to put a stop to other drugs so they can take these people that they used to enforce the alcohol laws and they enforced other laws. Like that's when marijuana became illegal. Right, right, right.

But all of it, it's just a control issue. It's not that it was necessary. Right. In fact, the best way to keep people from drinking is to let people drink around them, see the disastrous effects. Like this is why you don't, like you're in all these groups. Why are you in all these groups? You're in all these groups because you grew up with people that were fucked up.

Yeah. You know, I never touched Coke. And one of the reasons why I never touched Coke, because I grew up with people that were fucked up. Yeah. You know, I never touched coke. And one of the reasons why I never touched coke, because I grew up with coke heads. Right. I had coke heads that were friends of my one of my good friends cousin was a coke head. And I saw it from a bunch of people. And then I had a buddy who died from heroin.

I've never I've never even thought about dying. And also when you tell people they can't do something, they want to do it more. So like in Europe, you know, I mean, there's a lot of alcoholism, but it's not, like, as bad as it is here because it's like, yeah, go for it. They drink at 14 and they've got it out of their system and they have nothing to prove and there's not, like, you know. Yeah, exactly. They let kids try wine.

All this taboo around it. Exactly. I think it was more of a control issue than it was anything. And it all coincided with World War I. And I think, you know, there was a bunch of people that wanted everyone to get back to work and make America strong. And we've got to stop people from drinking. But you just create slaves.

You can't tell people what they can and can't do with their body. You just can't. And you can't. Especially because drinking is fun. I like it. Super fun. And then in the 50s, the fucking Mad Men generation, the three martini lunch,. People were just drinking during the day at the office. It was socially acceptable.

So that was our parents and our parents' parents. We're the first generation, I mean, trying to be good parents that even have the information to be able to be good parents. We have the information on the psychology and the sociology and alcoholism. You're the first parent that's going like, you know what? I'm going to see my kid and let my kid cry. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT AND I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT.

I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT AND I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT.

I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT. I'M GOING TO BE A GOOD PARENT 5-YEAR-OLD, SHE'LL CRY OVER EVERYTHING BECAUSE SHE

KNOWS THAT CRYING GETS HER ATTENTION. AND THEN I'LL GO, LOOK, SWEETIE, IF YOU WANT A HUG, I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU A HUG, BUT I KNOW THAT THAT DIDN'T HURT. I SAW WHAT HAPPENED. THERE'S REALLY NOTHING.

I'M NOT GOING TO ENABLE VICTIMIZING YOURSELF. SHE STRAPPED UP MY FOOT AND IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HURTS. BECAUSE SHE'S 5, SO SHE STILL HAS A LOT OF EXTRA W'S. YEAH. THEY PUT WILLY, EVERYTHING'S

WILLY HURT. SHE STRAPPED UP MY FOOT. EVERYTHING'S LIKE ALL THESE WOO, WOO, THIS WOO NOISE BECAUSE THEY STILL HAVE LIKE A BABY SOUND. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT still has a lot of extra W's. Yeah. They put Willie, everything's Willie. She tripped on my foot. Everything's like all this woo, woo, this woo noise because they still have

like a baby sound. your daddy's Joe Rogan. You need to man the fuck up right now. Suck it up. You're embarrassing me. You're going to be fine. You give him love,

but you also let him know. Yeah. But I don't ignore her. I don't go, hey, stop fucking crying. Yeah, no. Your foot's fine. You don't say that.

I go, look, it's not a big deal. A lot of it's just being her. You got to let it go. It's just a sensation. Yeah. You know? I read this thing.

There's this book called The Fantasy Bond about what happens when kids are ignored, neglected, and all that kind of stuff. Kids would rather be physically abused than ignored. Yeah, I've read that. Because at least their existence is being validated. That's so disturbing. And they don't feel like their life is at stake. I dated this girl, and we broke up up and she dated some guy that hit her.

And I've told this story before, but it was very bizarre. It was a long time ago. It was a long time ago. Hit me up. I was like 17 at the time. But she was telling me that this guy hit her and I was like, fuck. And she's like, you know what's fucked up is I like it. And I was like, whoa.'s like you know what's fucked up as I like it I was like okay well context easy you don't want him to like hit you because you you know the thing in the dishwasher you want the

light slap in bed I don't think it was a light slap I think there was like some beating up it was weird but also did he was he trained in jiu-jitsu like you I don't think she'd want you to hit her. No. Some random guy who's not a trained fighter. He sucks at hitting people. He's got shitty technique. He's saying, I'm fine with Tony Hinchcliffe hitting me. I don't want Joe Rogan hitting me. Don't say that.

Poor Tony's like, what? Oh, show her. I don't want a little vegan Tony Hinchcliffe. He's gone off the vegan. Really? He's eating meat now. Yeah. Okay.

We're back. I influenced him. Okay. There you go. Good. I took him to the gym a few times. Okay. We're back. Yeah, I influenced him. Okay, there you go. Good. I took him to the gym a few times. Okay. So look, you're not going to get this way eating beans. Okay, maybe not him.

But yeah, I think it's like depends on who's doing the hitting. I wasn't even there when he ate meat. He did it last week for the first time. He went to Fogo to Child. You know what that place is? The Brazilian steakhouse? Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. Yeah.

I love how- To just get a smorgasbord of fucking meat. Do you know my Arsh Fierce story? About when he hazed me? When he hazed you? When he hazed me at the comedy store? Hazed you? In the beginning when I started the comedy store. I think we told this story on his podcast, but he mentioned it, which is that in the beginning

when I got hazed so hard, you were not there to protect me because you had made your mass exodus from the comedy store. It was like him and David Taylor and all these guys used to just fucking. Bunch of guys who hate women. Kill me. I mean, they would just make my life miserable because I was like, showed up in my backpack and like, you know, hoodie. And I was like, I'm going to make it as a comedian.

And they were like, we're going to crush your soul. And one night Ari stole my backpack and hit it because I would always come with a backpack, but he didn't know that my credit card had just gotten stolen. And I just got a call for the bank saying, Hey, some guy stole your credit card. So he was like, it's probably someone around you who stole your credit card, copied it, et cetera. And then Ari stole my book bag, put it like up in the back bar, like hit it. And then I instantly, I couldn't find it, started hysterically crying and made Tommy turn on the house lights in the OR,

which have you ever even seen lights on in the OR? Yes, it's weird. It's very weird. See ghosts in there and shit. It's like looking at a one night stand in the face. Yeah, totally. And yeah, and he didn't admit that it was him for like years until I think like seven years later.

Whoa. Because he was so like embarrassed or upset or whatever. That's probably not the word. I don't think he is. What did he? I don't think he's capable of that. Being embarrassed? Those kind of emotions.

But he then admitted to me, finally, that was me that stole your backpack. Wow. That's dark. Yeah. Yeah, that didn't seem, that wasn't as good a story. That's dark Yeah that didn't sound That wasn't as good As the story

Telling it Do you think Do you think Like there is A concerted effort To fuck with women When they start Doing stand up comedy

Fuck with them Emotionally obviously Yeah Mentally Yeah And I'm grateful for it I'm glad they did Really

Yeah I'm grateful It made me tougher You say that Not a lot of women Would say that right Look I know Maybe I'm not being feminist But I That word again That fucking word That's why I said it With a tinge on it Not a lot of women would say that, right? Look, I know. Maybe I'm not being feminist.

That word again. That fucking word. That's why I said it with a tinge on it. Because I, again, because I grew up playing sports, I welcome adversity because I know it makes me stronger. So I don't complain about it. Like pain, muscle sore, all that stuff. Like if I'm not sore after a workout the next day, I'm bummed. Because I know that I didn't work that hard.

So adversity at the comedy and so on and stuff, I like knew instinctively you guys are helping me. You don't know you're helping me because you're trying to hurt me, but you're actually making me stronger. And I'm grateful. That's a very unusual attitude though, right? Even for a man or a woman. Yeah.

For anybody. And when you grow, I grew up in an environment that was very like, you know, idle hands is the devil's work. And if it doesn't hurt, you're not doing it right. Jesus Christ. Yeah. So I'm grateful that I have that mentality because it helps in doing stand up. So you stopped for three months. You've stopped for three months now.

Yeah. Do you time it? Do you decide three months? No, I sort of like, I think stand up for me is very much like a haunting, you know? You get an itch. You sort of like have stuff you have to talk about, and instead of like boring your friends at dinner with it, or you have a podcast, you have other outlets, I wait till I'm like, this is a gross word, but like constipated with like an obsession of injustice.

Like right now, there's nothing that's like keeping me up at night that I have to get on stage and yell about. And if I'm not obsessed with it, why would I waste an audience member's time? So when did you do your special? First week of September. Okay. So when do you think you'll start getting that itch?

Like a month. I need to go on a couple of bad dates and like get pissed on or something. You know, because I just did, I did 50 cities in a year or something and like said so much and now I need to like get that. 50 cities? Yeah, I think I did 50 this year. God damn. No, and is this like every week or is it like do several different cities a week? Yeah, I was doing like Friday, Saturday, like one city Friday, one city Saturday, sometimes one Sunday.

Where'd you film? For like Santa Monica. No shit. This is such a dorky comedian thing. My new obsession is to do, and I did my last one in Irvine. My new obsession is to go all around the country to tour, and then when you shoot your special, sleep in your own bed. Wow. Get your crew, get your everybody, and shoot it here. So I shot my last one in Irvine, and then this you shoot your special sleep in your own bed wow get your crew get your everybody

and and shoot it here so i shot my last one in irvine and then this one in santa monica we're in santa monica uh the brode theater uh santa monica college it's a beautiful theater i wanted to feel like a club 500 seats gorgeous looks like a spaceship you know because when you shoot in you know i loved your uh the one you did in denver but when you and i would, and I've been obsessed with shooting a special at Comedy Works in Denver. Yeah. It's the best. You did the downtown one. Yeah.

I love the other. The other one's great, too. It looks like a. Larimer Square. It's gorgeous. Larimer Square one. Yeah. And I was like, should I do that?

But then you're in a hotel, and then you're tired, and you don't have your restaurant. You've got to get up, and you're in a hotel room, and you're like, where's food? And it just throws off your rhythm. Yeah. So my indulgence is to shoot a special and sleep in my bed the night before and the night after that's fucking smart smart you know it's a good thing to keep you comfortable see you your last special the denver one you talked about denver and weed and that got

into legalization we and all that kind of stuff but it's like for me it's like i don't think most people give a shit where you shoot it unless you make it a cornerstone of what you're doing. So it's like, I'm going to go all the way to Chicago to shoot it. No one cares that I've schlepped all the way to Chicago, you know? Isn't that in your mind, though? Is it my ego? It's in your mind, I think, no? Yeah, maybe.

I feel like for me, and maybe it's just because I'm a girl and I need my shit and my makeup artist and my fucking hair extensions. And if I don't sleep eight hours, I look like Steve Buscemi. Like, I can't fuck around. So being on the road is just, I think that's where the being the girl comes in. It just gets a little more complicated. That's funny.

Because when people are like, is it harder being a female comedian? I'm like, literally the difference is I need my shit, my like makeup. I have to like schlep, I have to check luggage when I travel for one night. I'm bound and determined to do all my specials from now on in smaller places.

Why would bigger places? All ego. No one cares. Not only that, like, when you're watching at home, you're sitting in your living room, you're sitting on a couch. It loses all the magic, all the scope. No one cares. And no one's going, oh, look, so-and-so sold 2,000 tickets,

and Kevin Hart, like, no one cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. And I don't even do audience reaction shots anymore. I don't either. It's for ego. And then it also dates the special. Because, number one, if you can see the audience, it's too brightly lit.

Number two, you cut to it and then you see the Ross Perot T-shirt, so you know exactly. Ross Perot. Whatever. It's like nothing throws me off more than seeing a No Fear T-shirt. I'm like, oh, that was shot in 1998. It takes away the timeless classic thing. Yeah, there's definitely some of that. Some assholes in shorts, and you're like, oh, God. But I just think that that's a cheap way to cut away, that they like to cut away.

The director I used was fucking insisting on that. He wanted to keep the room lit. We had a fight about it. Like, he even turned the lights up during the first showing. I was like, why the fuck are the lights on? We had, like, a problem with it. Stand-up specials are so fascinating to me because it's like, we get so good at something that's incredibly hard. That's very much thought of as one of the hardest things you can do.

I mean, how many people can get up on a stage and make a crowd laugh for an hour? How many? How many do you think? Thousand in the world? Thousand in the world? Maybe. Maybe. Really good ones for an hour?

Kill it for an hour and might be a thousand in the country. Maybe. Maybe. Probably less. I mean there's more heart surgeons. Well, I think if you really had to be honest, how many do you think are great? How many do you think are really funny? When I have said this.

I would say 500. Hmm. Maybe. 300 million people plus in this country. 350 with Mexicans. I think that's probably right. 500 people. And I mean, how many heart surgeons are there?

How many neurosurgeons are there? I don't know. Thank God there's a bunch. Tons. Yeah. So it's like this is such a weird, specialized thing. And then we get so good at something that so few people can get good at that's so hard. I hope this doesn't come off like egomaniacal.

And then all of a sudden you're shooting your special, the taping, and then we change the circumstances entirely. We make it light. We do it at 6 p.m. instead of at 8. We totally change the rules of the game. Yeah. The one night that it really matters the most. Also, there's boom cameras flying around.

There's things behind you. Now, wear high heels and wear your hair down. You've never worn your hair down in stand-up before, but the night that it counts, you're going to wear your hair down and have makeup on. It's just like, so I try to make the night that I shoot the special replicate a normal night at the club as much as possible. That's very smart same lighting same number of people

I was only like 400 people You know no cameras in my face This my hair is down in this and it was a very big drama that my hair was down because HBO wanted my hair to Be down I was like I've never worn my hair down doing stand-up. Why did HBO want your hair to be down? Well, this is actually kind of a funny story apparently Chris Rock suggested to them've never worn my hair down doing stand-up. Why did HBO want your hair to be down? Well, this is actually kind of a funny story. Apparently, Chris Rock suggested to them that I put my hair down. Fuck Chris Rock. How dare he?

I mean, yeah, what does he know about comedy? What does he know about your hair? He did a documentary called Good Hair. He's got black guy's hair. That's like me telling you not to wear makeup. It's very ridiculous. Don't wear lipstick, bitch. I don't wear lipstick.

I've been doing comedy for 26 years. I don't want to wear makeup. Look, I'm a fan of his, and he's smart. Well't wear lipstick, bitch. I don't wear lipstick. I've been doing comedy for 26 years. I don't even want to wear my shirt. Look, I'm a fan of his, and he's smart. Well, I am as well, but that's it. Whatever. He told HBO that, and then they were like, we want you to wear your hair down. And I was like, you know what? Oh, Jesus.

Did he direct your shit or something? No. What the fuck? I know. He's giving advice on things. I got a note from Chris Rock on a date. Oh, get the fuck out of here. Really?

And I was like, look. So hilarious. I do believe in kind of things that not always my ideas are the best ideas. And maybe other people know more than I do, especially people who have been doing comedy for 30 years. So I just decided to do it. Did you feel weird? I felt very weird. I felt like I was being attacked by, like, a wild animal the entire time.

You see me, like, my hair will, like, forget. And I'm, like, super tweaked out in the special because my hair is attacking me the entire time. You see me like my hair will like forget and I'm like super tweaked out in the special because my hair is attacking me the whole time. But yeah, it's like playing a sport with your hair down. That's what it felt like to me. You get used to shit. Yeah. I can see it. And you've got muscle memory and all of a sudden I'm fighting it.

But anything that throws a curveball at me while I'm performing, I welcome because it keeps me present. Well, especially something that throws a curveball at you while you're doing a special. It's not just performing. You're performing something that's going to be locked down forever. Yeah. Yeah.

But that's what I think we are best at, having shit thrown at us and us having to deal with it. Sometimes, for sure. But sometimes it's not representative of the actual material itself in its best form. Never. Never. Well, I mean, ideally, ideally never do the same show twice. Right.

So I think for me and the first couple, it was all about how do I do the same thing every time, like acting or something. How do I replicate the same thing? And then as I, I think, grow more as a comedian, I'm like, how do I not do the same thing in a perfunctory, phoned-in way every time? Right.

How do you have just a real present performance and then also be aware that you're filming this? Yes. THEM. I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO HAVE A REAL PRESENT PERFORMANCE AND ALSO BE AWARE THAT YOU'RE FILMING THIS. YES. HOW DO I NAIL IT BUT ALSO BE FRESH AND SURPRISE MYSELF. ISN'T THAT WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO DO MORE THAN ONE

SHOW IN A NIGHT? I THINK THAT'S SUPER IMPORTANT. I ACTUALLY DID ONE SHOW FRIDAY AND ONE SHOW SATURDAY. THAT'S GREAT. IT WAS ACTUALLY GREAT.

THAT'S THE BENEFIT OF HBO IS THEY HAVE A LITTLE MORE MONEY BUT THAT WAS HELPFUL TO ME BECAUSE THE FIRST SHOW IS WORKING OUT THE KINKS WITH Yeah, it was actually great. I mean, that's the benefit of HBO is they have a little more money. But that was helpful to me because the first show is just working out the kinks with the camera guys so that, you know, you do a great performance and God forbid they don't even catch it. Yeah. But you're really trying to catch lightning in a bottle in a special. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, when you do one show like do you ever see Bill Hicks is relentless live from London? Yeah. Yeah.

It's on YouTube. Yeah. It's kind of flat. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It's on YouTube. Yeah, it's kind of flat. And one of the reasons why it's kind of flat is he did one show in a theater in London, and it was for HBO. So it's like this one ready go.

No, no. Jesus Christ. One. Also, the same thing with multicam. I think a lot of the reason people think multicams suck is that it's like filming a play. Being there, stand-up is meant to be live. If you're watching it on Netflix or if you're watching it on HBO, you're getting like it in its second iteration. Like it's always going to lose 40 percent of the magic. I mean, you go see Joe Rogan at the fucking comedy works.

You're dying at every joke, clapping, fucking slapping your knee, going crazy. And then you watch it. You're like laughing out loud, but it's just a different. Yeah. You're not in the flesh in front of me yeah you're not caught up in the trance yes you're not in that vibe same with multicams like you know we'll shoot like an episode of something and i swear when it's there it's funny we're all like that was so funny the audience is going crazy everyone's laughing and then you go see in the editing room and you're like that's so much funny if you'd been there yeah Yeah. It always is.

There's something weird about being there while someone's performing. Music too. You know, you go to like really good music, you like really good music and you listen to it. It's great. But if you go see someone do it live, it's like, oh, man. It's the magic. I rarely get to see people perform like music wise. I mean, I see a lot of stand up, but it's so rare that I get to see music.

I went and saw Justin Timberlake when I was in Vegas. We're in Vegas a lot of times at the same time. I was in Vegas, and after the show, I went and saw Justin Timberlake, and I was like... After the show? So you did your show? Yeah, and then I went. He does a three-hour show, by the way. Jesus Christ. He did three hours,

was dancing the entire time like Michael Jackson. I had to sit down 45 minutes in of watching his show because my back hurt, and he was dancing for three hours. That motherfucker does not play. I had to sit down 45 minutes in of watching his show because my back hurt. And he was dancing for three hours. That motherfucker does not play. I want to know what he's up to, what he's putting in his joints. Sucks a lot of cock.

Semen, it really is very tissue regenerating. In that case, I'd be 12 feet tall. And so watching him, I was just like, holy fuck. Yeah. Like, I was like, he is amazing. Like, he dazzled me. I was dazzled. And everyone's like, is it news to you that Justin Timberlake is talented?

And I was like, no, I'm just used to seeing it on tiny screens. Right, right. You know, that's the same reason that, you know, people can come up to us in airports and go, Joe, what's up, man? What did you fucking eat for breakfast? Because we're on small screens. And then when an actor's on big screens, people are like, oh, my God, look over there. That's Brad Pitt. They don't go up to him and ask and go joe what's up man what did you eat for breakfast because we're on small screens yeah and then when an actor is on big screens people like oh my god look over there that's brad pitt they don't go up to him asking what he's eating do you ever take a picture with people and you feel them shaking yes how weird is that yes very you feel their their body shaking

it's just so weird to me because i i don't i have such career body dysmorphia but also career dysmorphia and it varies shocking i'm alwaysia. And it varies. Shocking. I'm always like, she thinks I'm Sarah Silverman. Like, who does she think I am? Well, women like a really powerful woman like you, like women like, oh my God, you're right there. Like, yeah, I love you. You're my idol. Like, you're what I want to be.

Like, a lot of women want to be assertive and powerful and they want, they just want to feel confident. And they look at you, you're on stage, you're talking about sex and you're talking about all this crazy shit and you're saying it in a funny way and people look at you you're on stage you're talking about sex and you're talking about all this crazy shit and you're saying in a funny way and people are laughing and you have the that your assertion and the way you're enunciating is all this clear and i can't do that shit yeah you know and it's like they meet you're like i'm so scared and insecure i can't not do stand-up i'm the opposite i'm so terrified of being invisible and no one seeing. I literally do stand up out of weakness, not out of strength. That's hilarious.

I do not operate. My motives are completely out of like insecurity and fear. That's funny though that you talk about it and you admit that though. That's what makes it really rare. Because most people who would feel those things would just go like, shut up. Yeah. Put them in the closet. Get in there.

Good point. I need to. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Like fucking hammer boards on the closet. I need to work on lying more. I just tried to impress you today. I put an eyebrow pencil on and I feel like it's melting off. To impress me?

I'm a big fan of eyebrows. Really? No. I don't even know you have them until you pointed it out. Until I had to look at the one eyebrow to not look in your eyes to see what that would be like. I just noticed that you had eyebrows. No, I kind of... No, but I mean, eye stand-up for me is completely

fear-driven. It's not confidence. Well, no, here's what I'm doing. I'm afraid that I feel like you've never done what you just did before. This? I'm out of... I don't know. Does your wife fill in her eyebrows? I don't know your wife at all. That's so funny

that you don't know that about your wife. I don't ask questions. Yeah, smart. I don't want to wife at all. That's so funny that you don't know that about your wife. I don't ask questions. Yeah, smart. I don't want to know. I sometimes at night smoke weed and start plucking my eyebrows. And then I wake up the next morning and they're just half the size. And I'm just like, fuck. Did I get a new face last night?

So I put the tweezers. I can't smoke weed and have tweezers in the house. And then so like three nights ago, I tweezed like an entire chunk out of my eyebrow so I have to fill it in with an eyebrow pencil. Hashtag feminism. You should smoke weed and do yoga. Maybe you would like it then. Here's the problem with me and exercise. I really like to feel, I need to feel some kind of pain and feel like I'm burning so

many calories. I don't think of yoga as exercise. There you go. Smart. I think of it as body maintenance. Smart because of the stretching. There you go. Smart. I think of it as body maintenance. Smart. Because of the stretching. And I think of it as a moving meditation. For me, it's been, it's like really helpful for me mentally, but it's also really helpful

for my body because everything I do is like. Yes. Yes. It's all explosion. It's self-care. Yeah. Well, the stretching especially. Fantastic for that.

Yeah. Giant. Because hypermobile people, which I have, which is that we use our bones instead of our muscles, which is a lot of people. That doesn't make any sense to me. I don't understand what that means. It basically means, like, so I can like, like, knock my hip out of, like, I'm just

like too flexible, basically. Okay. My hips are just, I'm just janky. I'm a lemon. You're very flexible. Yeah, I'm very flexible. My hips can pop out a socket. They pop out a socket? Literally? Pop out a socket. pop out a socket when I like literally when I pop out a second and then when I um like would run and walk I would run walk with my bones my hips and my knees instead of my quad muscles does that make sense you would be a good striker

because it's one of the things that you when you're teaching martial arts one of the things I would teach people when I'm back when I used to teach is you gotta think about you're using your bones don't think about your muscle interesting think about fighting with your bones because that's what I do way to to do it correctly is like mechanically you have to be using your bones you can't think about using your muscles cuz then you're like yes when you everything becomes circular and just trying to use your muscles but we're trying to use your bones everything is is done correctly. If you do it correctly, it's much more effortless than it seems.

If you watch some of the best strikers, they strike in sort of an effortless way. There's some guys that do it kinetically and they use a lot of muscle to get the job done. But efficiency, the best way to do it efficiently, has kind of been mapped out. And the way they do it correctly, it almost seems counterintuitive, but you're using your skeleton. EFFICIENCY, LIKE THE BEST WAY TO DO IT EFFICIENTLY HAS KIND OF BEEN MAPPED OUT. AND THE WAY THEY DO IT CORRECTLY, IT'S ALMOST LIKE SEEMS COUNTERINTUITIVE, BUT YOU'RE USING YOUR SKELETON. DO YOU KNOW MARTIN SNOW? NO. HE'S GOT A GYM CALLED TRINITY BOXING ON MELROSE, I THINK.

AND HE WAS HELPING ME WITH THE, WHAT ARE THOSE LITTLE THINGS YOU PUT IN POOLS THAT HELP YOU FLOAT? Oh, those little things? Yeah, so he would have me punch the floaty things. Yeah, you put in pools that help you float, floaties? Oh, those little things. Yeah, so he would have me punch the floaty things. Yeah, a lot of boxing trainers use those. Yeah, exactly. They're good for defense, too. So I would do that, exactly what you're talking about, because I would try to hit,

Oh, use all your muscles. Because I'm too much. I'm a lot. You're a lot. I'm too much. But yeah, so I was putting so much pressure on my knees and my hips and my ass. I had no ass development at all. Like, I wouldn't use my ass. I would use my back.

If I was going to lift something, I would use my vertebrae. That's dangerous. Yes. And then what happens is if you dat over time, that's how we get non-collision injuries. When you just, at 55, you sneeze and throw out your back. It's just so much pressure is built up on your bones. Little micro injuries. You know when people are like, I just sat on the couch and threw out my neck.

You know, stuff like that. I did that once in the fucking, in the shower. I like turned to grab the shampoo or something like that. Gets you. Yes. Yeah, it just hits you. It's a straw that breaks the camel's back. It's like the straw that breaks the camel's back.

And I had to drive to Vegas. And this was a long time ago. And I was in my car driving, I remember I couldn't turn around and look behind me. So when I had to look behind me, I'd literally have to turn my whole body like this to look behind me. So for you, is yoga about stretching? Yeah. And my mind

too. It's about my mind. Because I have the same sort of internal dialogue issues that I'm sure you probably do. So I just breathe. Dialogue? That means you have two people in there. Yeah, there's of people there's a monologue oh there's there's animals in there plants there's all sorts of shit going on there yeah there's elves there's a lot of stuff going on my head yeah it's about keeping it together yeah that's what it's about most of the time i know that that's the next thing i just i have so many prejudices against yoga i have yet you might

be the first person. I have yet to meet someone who does yoga who's not batshit crazy. Or annoying. Or annoying. Literally, every Whole Foods parking lot is a bunch of people with yoga mats being complete assholes. Just because you have a yoga mat doesn't mean you're cool. It's rare that I meet someone who does yoga who abides by the principles of yoga at all. It's hard.

You can find them. It's all like anorexic, unemployed people. But it's of yoga at all. It's hard. You can find them. It's all like anorexic, unemployed people. But it's also where we live. That's true. We live in a place where everybody's trying to reinvent themselves or pretend to be something. Yes. They create this false narrative. That's a giant part of why we're here.

We're in this like magnet, okay? This Hollywood attention magnet. Yeah. And all these metal filings, these people that just so desperately want to be special. They come to this place and if they don't feel like they're special, they go, well, that guy seems special.

What's he doing? Well, he's wearing wooden beads and he likes yoga. Fuck. That's what I'm doing. Namaste. I'm doing, you know, I'm eating tofu. I don't even, I don't,

you know, no animals were harmed. Yes, it's commodified. It's not. Yeah. And I also am like at this place and I don't know where you are on this. I'm like on self-improvement overwhelm. So it's like, by the time I do all the things I need to do to improve myself, it's like 4.30. By the time you go to like therapy and work out and meditate and yoga, it's like, I don't even have time to, it's a full-time job to try to take care of yourself.

It's definitely a full-time job if you do it right. And that's why it's really hard for people that have full-time jobs to take care of yourself. It's definitely a full-time job if you do it right. And that's why it's really hard for people that have full-time jobs to take care of themselves. You find it overwhelming. You get out of shape. You get tired. You can't indulge in hobbies. If you're a full-time job and you have a family,

and God forbid you're behind on your bills, so then you have to work overtime or pick up a second job. It's a luxury to not be crazy. It is. It's a luxury to not have body trauma and to. It's a luxury to not have like body trauma and to hurt yourself. You know, it's like I go to this woman who helps me cry. You know. What?

You go to a woman to help you cry? This is really. I'll fucking help you cry. I'm sure you will. That was like see, I just figured out what was wrong with me. I thought that was hot. I just learned everything I need to know about myself.

I failed that project. Her whole thing is that basically your body is a blueprint to everything that ever happened to you. And as a kid, all the trauma and emotions that you repressed are held in your muscles. And because our bodies react faster than our brains, is that true to something? That if as a kid, if I was abused and I used to do this, I'm flinching for those of you listening, as an adult, if I flinch at something, all of a sudden it's going to signal my hippocampus.

The amygdala tells my hippocampus something bad is happening, even if it's not. Are you overthinking shit? Is that possible? Probably. You go to a chick to make you cry? Probably. Just go for a jog.

I never cried until I was like 27. What? I never cried. I never not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying.

I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying.

I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. Shit that happens to me doesn't make me cry. Interesting. Shit that happens to other people. Other people's tragedies and bad, and even sometimes positive things make me cry. That's healthy. I learned that crying is a weakness, and you're not allowed to cry. And if you do cry, you're going to attract attention of dangerous people who are just going to make things worse.

So just, like, pretend like everything's fine. Well, I think that there's whatever crying is, this overwhelming emotion, that is also like horsepower. Yeah. That overwhelming emotion when it's manifested itself or when it's manifested in a positive way or, like, when you turn it on and use it in some way. As fuel for something else. Well, I think when someone says to you, this is, like, your thing, right, that you're a lot, that's what that is, what they're saying is. I mean, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable because you're insecure, because you have this like self-judging thing, what that is is you got a lot of fucking horsepower. There's a lot of people that are like dull or they're just there's not much going on there.

They can't do that. Yeah. You know, and that's the difference. Like it will overwhelm you in a negative way. It'll it'll fucking burn your house down if you don't control it. Yeah. But whatever it is, when you focus in on something, you can do some shit that other people can't do. But then it's like this balancing act of trying to keep this fucking tiger under control.

Yeah. And that tiger is your mind, your emotions, your being, whatever the fuck you are. And some people just have more of it. There's some people that are just more. And I wonder if you're interested in your take on this. that are just more. And I wonder if you're, and I'm interested in your take on this,

is that I wonder if, because I was very nervous when I decided, okay, I'm going to heal my, I'm going to fix all these invisible wounds. I'm going to fix all this brokenness of like, will I still be funny? Will I still be ambitious? Oh, I used to have a real problem with that when I was young.

What if I get mentally healthy? Will I still be funny? Will I still need to tap dance for people? When I was like in my early 20s, I used to like, there was always the concept that I would always chase as a martial artist, chase this concept of enlightenment, this unachievable goal of being in complete, total control of your mind, of being present at all times, and being just absent of weakness.

You fix yourself. You get to this point where you're operating in this pure zen state in competition. That's what I chased all throughout my youth and all through my teenage years up until I started doing comedy. And then when I started doing comedy, I was at this weird place where I was like, I shouldn't, like, try to meditate. And I shouldn't try to calm myself because I should be kind of fucked up because that's all the great ones. Like whether it was Pryor or Kinison. They were all fucked up. Lenny Bruce, they were all fucked up.

But imagine how great Pryor would have been if he was a little more sober. Maybe. Or imagine how long, who knows? I don't know. But I was like, okay, I cannot, I mean, I'm killing myself. Right. Like I can't live this way anymore. And if I'm only doing comedy because i'm

fucked up i probably shouldn't be doing comedy well that's the crutch you know crutch that like scott whelan's wife was talking about yeah that glorifying tragedy and glorifying addiction addiction yeah yeah you know especially that fucking drug god damn it i hate that drug so fucking 90s so 90s but it's not it's 2015 now because all the people that are addicted to pills. Anthony Bourdain did a show recently about Massachusetts. And one of the things that they were talking about in the Massachusetts show of his show, it's not called Parts Unknown. He was talking about these people.

They were interviewing because, you know, Anthony had a serious heroin problem when he was younger. And he was talking about all these people that became addicted to heroin because they got on pills. And it was so easy to get. And then they were prescribing like fucking crazy. When I got my nose fixed, my doctor prescribed me two different opioids. Yeah. What? And I didn't take any of it.

I was like, my nose doesn't even hurt. Yeah. It was like mildly uncomfortable once it was done. But they get that addiction, and then they change the laws and made it much more difficult to get the pills, and then people got desperate because they were addicted and they needed it, and then they went to heroin. Yeah.

And they were talking about this overwhelming heroin issue in western Massachusetts and I guess a lot of parts of our country. Yeah. I mean, just the more I learn about addiction, the more scared I get because a lot of it is genetic, too. You know, they say genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger for drugs, you know? So I know that's in my genetics. That's a tattoo. Someone has it on their ribs.

Some really hot girl who I've met on med dates. Ah! Ah! Ha, ha, ha, ha. Some really hot girl who I've met on men dates. How dare you. I know that because I am an addict. My drug is not substances. My drug is control and work and adrenaline. Because adrenaline is an addictive substance, and you can get addicted to adrenaline in utero. If your mother is under stress, it's called epigenetic imprinting, whatever chemicals

that your mother is producing in utero. So if your mother in utero is producing adrenaline and cortisol, you're going to get addicted to that very young. So I was an adrenaline addict when I was out of the game. And so, yeah. Michael Irvin was telling me that. Michael Irvin was telling me about the problem with young kids that were raised in really horrible environments, violence and crime. Constantly in fight mode and flight mode.

When you're around violence all the time, your body just becomes engineered to handle that from the womb. Yes. just becomes engineered to handle that from the womb. Yes, and I found that I, and this is sort of what half of what I'm in recovery for, is that I found that I felt very comfortable in dangerous situations and in completely benign situations felt fear. Do you think that's because in dangerous situations, it's like the circumstances are already laid out. Familiar. I know how to handle this.

Yeah. Drug addict, someone being abusive, violent. This is my comfort zone. Right. This is giving me the adrenaline quota that I need. This is what I'm designed for. I'm in the ring. I only know how to live with my gloves on.

When the gloves are off, that's when I get concerned because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then you're also in your own head and like spiral out of control. What's wrong with my eyebrows? Hyper vigilant. Hyper vigilant. You know, and because in my home growing up, silence meant it's the calm before the storm. Oh, I mean, someone's going to throw a mug.

It meant someone's about to come home drunk. Someone's about to, shit's about to hit the fan. So it's very hard for me to relax, which is probably why yoga is hard for me. Because it's like, when's the other shoe going to drop? You know, it's interesting that, you know, PTSD is a huge problem with soldiers. But I talked to a lot of guys that were special forces guys, like special ops with the Rangers or Green Berets or Navy SEALs. They don't have nearly as much of a problem because they're the antagonists.

Yes, they create the drama. They're the active guys. They're going out. They're in control. They're going out and they're going, they're hunting active guys. They're going out. They're in control. They're going out and they're going. They're hunting down people. Whereas the guys who are sitting around waiting to be attacked, those are the ones that are freaking out. Predators versus prey.

The ones who are stationed in a place and they're being attacked all the time. Those guys get rattled. I would also be fascinated in the special forces. A couple things that interest me about them is that, one the ones that have the most ptsd and depression when they come home are the ones that didn't kill anyone because they feel guilt and shame really yep that they didn't kill anyone really yes there's this i'll send it to you i dated a guy who was really into seals and made a movie about navy seals and stuff um and then uh so they probably because they're again like the perpetrators, like you said.

And I would imagine, I'm curious if it's chicken or an egg, the guys that end up being maybe SEALs, I don't want to say sociopathic, that's being extreme, but if they became SEALs because they're less sensitive. You know what I mean? Because the guys that make it aren't always the toughest and the biggest and the strongest and the fastest. It's the most emotionally tough. So if you become a SEAL, are you already predisposed to be less traumatized well there's

that's a case with a lot of fighters as well there's a lot of really physically talented guys that never make it they just they fall apart emotionally and they fall apart mentally and they can never they can never achieve greatness they fucking close. And there's these guys that you would call gym legends, where in the gym when there's no stakes, it's not difficult, they fucking shine. They look fantastic. It's like people, actors who are good at auditions. Some are, some aren't.

Some are good with this weird inauthentic thing and they have to perform. Comics who are hilarious in the parking lot and bomb on stage. Yes, totally. Do you think that it is a um level of i mean i've been around you've been around more athletes than i have but um what i having dated a couple athletes there's this disconnect this lack of empathy and i dare i say narcissism that i don't know if must work for them in order to become an elite athlete,

I would imagine you have to have a healthy level of narcissism and ego. I think there's probably something in that. I think ego and athletes, it's so hand-in-hand, especially with pro athletes, it's so hand-in-hand that you've got to think, man, there's got to be some sort of a connection there. You have to be delusional on some level, don't you? In a lot of ways, yeah. I'm invincible. But here's where it gets interesting. You have to be delusional on some level, don't you? In a lot of ways, yeah. I'm invincible.

But here's where it gets interesting. With fighters, it's not the case. The best fighters almost have like sort of a zen ability to block all that bullshit out. They have a belief in themselves, but they have a zen ability to block all that shit out, and that's why they're some of the most friendly people. Some of the best fighters are some of the nicest people you ever meet. Like Anderson Silva is one of the fucking nicest guys you'll ever meet. Wow.

He's so friendly and sweet, and he's always, like, hugging people and smiling and laughing, and he was a fucking murderer when he was the champ. I mean, he was one of the best ever. Like, I could go down the list of some of the best guys. Frankie Edgar is one of the best featherweights in the world. He used to be lightweight. Just, like, sweetheart. The fucking nicest guy. He's so nice, and he'sights in the world. He used to be a lightweight. Just like sweetheart. The fucking nicest guy.

He's so nice, and he's a fucking assassin inside the octagon. I knew one boxer person from the, I don't know anything about this field, but my ex had a boxing gym who had, I think it was Canelo. Canelo Alvarez. And he doesn't watch horror movies or only watches like Will Ferrell, like Sweet, like, you know, doesn't allow negativity in his brain. That's smart. At all, because negativity breeds negativity and paranoia,

and he doesn't even want to strengthen the part of your brain that even goes there. You know what fucks with a lot of fighters? Social media. I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine. They go on these message boards, and these people calling them pussies and faggots.

But does that work for or against you? Against them. Could you use that as fuel or do you? Most of them against them. Yeah. Most of them against them because they're dealing with their own fears constantly. Yeah. So they don't want more.

Like what you are and who you are is in some ways defined by what you believe. And if you are insecure and then that insecurity gets reinforced by other people calling you a loser, you know, that guy fucking chokes. I'm a ch'm a choker shit you know and then you get in there and you're like fuck am i a choker in your head yeah and it's strength in a neural pathway like my i work with this therapist she's like a trauma therapist and when i was going through a really bad breakup i was not allowed to talk what i swear you're gonna like. You're not allowed to talk? I was not allowed to mention the person for 90 days so that we weakened the neural pathway of even thinking about the person. Is that real? Yeah, you're strengthening neural pathways when you read tweets about you're an idiot and whatever.

Reconnecting those ideas in your head. Yes, yeah. And then it's like the same way you quit coffee. It takes 28 days to create a new habit, right? Because that's how long it takes to develop a neural pathway. I thought it was 90. I think it's 28 for a new neural pathway. 90 for, I don't know.

For habits. You probably know more about this than I do. I think habit, well, I don't know. Maybe it depends on the habit. I don't know. Obviously, we're both saying, I think. I think. So neither one of us fucking know what we're talking about.

Someone Google it and hit us up. I think I saw on Twitter. I read. Someone's Facebook. Call Neil deG hit us up. I think I saw on Twitter. I read. Someone's Facebook. Call Neil deGrasse Tyson. Yeah, I don't know. To fact check our podcast. I'm not sure.

But I know that 28 days is the minimum for rehab because of that. But 90 is really when it really matters. Well, it makes sense that there's pathways for sure. Because it's one of the hardest things for people to break is habits. Yes. And it's also one of the best things for people to break is habits yes like and it's also like one of the best ways to develop new creative thoughts yeah is to do new things yes like take yourself completely out of your habits out of your environment out of your

your comfort zone this is when i'm um trying to write something new i'll rearrange the furniture in my house yeah because it just isn't it's a. It's a new, like the couch isn't, it just gets your brain thinking outside of. I like to go places. Oh, that's smart. I go places. And sometimes I would go places like I'll be in my car. I'm like, you know, I'm going to fucking drive somewhere I've never been before. And just get out of my car.

I love that. Just go somewhere. I think it's good to just be in a place that you're not used to. To just like mix up your brain. You get new perfume. This sounds dorky. But like, I know that sounds crazy. But new smells,. You get new perfume. This sounds dorky, but I know that sounds crazy, but new smells, new colors, new everything.

So I won't wear black when I write. I know that's so stupid. It might just be superstition. You don't wear black when you write? No, I try to wear colors because it stimulates different parts of your brain. Different colors, music, smells, candles. If I'm starting a new script, I'll have new candles, sage, stuff that just stimulates your brain.

You know, Benicio Del Toro? I'm interested. I'm listening. Oh, no, not Benicio. He's the actor. Sorry. Yeah. I was like.

I know that did seem very random. Guermo Del Toro. Okay, yeah. So he's a fat, ugly guy. So don't have the same thoughts. But he's very creative. and he was doing this thing where he took this camera crew on a tour of where he writes. And, you know, he's a horror writer.

So his office is filled with, like, all these weird trinkets and objects and statues and books and all this cool shit. And the reason being is that, like, he has designed this area, this creative space, to sort of stimulate his imagination. Awesome. Awesome. What do you do when you sit down and write? What's your process?

Smoking the weed. I get so high I'm scared I'm going to die. That's what I do. But I write sober, too. But I like to write so high that I feel like I have to get the words out before they slip away. Oh, that's smart. Well, it's like what you do on stage when you dig a hole for yourself. It's almost like...

Sort of, but obviously there's not as much pressure when you're writing. But I feel like when I'm writing, I like to get outside of my own comfort, my own control. That's the thing that freaks people out most about pot is the paranoia. What do you do, sativa or indica? I do both. Both. But I like sativa. But do you pick one for, like, hanging versus working?

You just... I just like pot. Yeah, okay. We noticed. There's definitely... Are you investing in a weed thing? There's something going on right now. I'll talk to you about it offstage.

Okay, okay. Offstage. Pyramid scheme? No, how dare you? I'm joking. I think there's probably benefits to both, to sativa and indica. Yeah. Like indica's better for sex.

It's better for food. It's better for relaxing. Sativa is, I think, probably a little bit better for creativity, but sometimes it's not. Sometimes indica's great for... They're both good. Yeah. There's not that much of a difference in the effect. There's differences, but both of them have very similar creative enhancing effects, at least to me. I'm convinced that everybody has a

different reaction to it because I've explained my reaction to marijuana to other people and they're like, what? Yeah. You know? Yeah. But you also have to be as smart as you you know what i mean and creative and driven and etc etc well i think alcohol too like i've talked to people that go like i know people that get angry and mean on alcohol like they want to go out and get in fights do you think that that's uh who they really are maybe do you think that like the truth comes out when you drink maybe because but i know people that drink and their fucking eyes turn like hamster eyes. They like gloss over. They're like, they're not even there anymore. Something happened to me the day I turned 30 where I could not drink tequila anymore.

I was like, the day I turned 30, it was like I was having like a dinner. It was like a birthday or something. I was at Chateau Marmont. Someone sent over, someone I kind of knew sent over tequila. And he was like, I bet you can't do more shots. Tequila and I can. Was it Bill Cosby? Bill Cosby! That's the day.

The day I woke up with my underwear around my neck. So insulted that he didn't try to rape me but that's another story. That same thing with Craig Schumacher. Everyone's like, oh, did you just hit on you? I'm like, no. And now I feel bad. And so sent over shots and I'm competitive so I was like, I will crush you. Wow.

I woke up in my bed fully clothed, looked at my phone, 80 missed text messages, did you go home with John Mayer? And I was like, I'm never drinking tequila again. Wow. Yeah. When you get a did you go home with John Mayer. Was it from a guy or a girl? It was from, oh, tons of guys.

It was a whole staff I was working with so it was like 30 people texting me, you're not going home with John Mayer, we're not going to let you go home, what are you doing? How dare them,

a bunch of cock blockers. I know. You're hanging out with a bunch of cock blockers. That's a good point. That's what I would say. I know. It's not like you're going home

with fucking Ted Bundy. I would do anything for John Mayer to want to date me for two months. Two months? That's what you look for? Spit you out

but don't spit on you. That's a pretty good, don't spit on me. Spit you out pretty good, don't spit on me. Spit you out. Spit my whole entity out. The entity. And, you're putting a lot of it out there.

You're looking for, yeah, Seth MacFarlane. Seth MacFarlane. John Mayer. Guillermo del Toro. No, Benicio.

Benicio. Benicio. Who else? The guy with the ponytail who dates rich girls. You don't want to get the fat Benicio del Toro from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, though.

No, I want to get the Wolfman. Yes, the Wolfman. Did you watch that movie? No, was it good? I watched it a bunch of times. I'm a fan of Werewolves. It's a terrible movie. Shitty movie.

But I watch it in the background sometimes when I write. So you have movies that you have in the background when you write? Sometimes. You have specific go-to movies? Sometimes. Sometimes I like putting images playing in the background, and then I don't have the sound on. What about music? Sometimes I have music.

Sometimes no music. And then do you meditate before or after you write or during? No. No. Sometimes I'm about to go in the tank. Like sometimes I'll get high and I'm thinking I'm going to go in the isolation tank. And then I decide to just start writing and I can't stop. That's great.

I sit down and the writing just comes out of you. That's fantastic. I remember- Sometimes. Sometimes it's a bunch of bullshit. I go back and read it. It's garbage. You're like, freaking hell.

What the fuck nonsense is this? I can't do anything with this. Send this to fucking Carrot Top. I mean, there are some times. I'm just like, I'm the worst person. But that's how it is. You're mining. You're mining.

That's such a great- You're chipping away away at the rock and occasionally you find gold in there. And then something I think Johnny Carson said is that B jokes that we would never do on stage that we write, that are like B jokes that don't deserve to be on stage, said extemporaneously are A jokes. So you just have this arsenal now of if there's a heckler, like some joke that I wrote that never would make it to stage, if I just do it, quote, seemingly off the cuff cuff it's all of a sudden an a joke there's definitely some of that on a podcast you're always gonna you're gonna use everything you write sometimes yeah and then sometimes jokes are like seeds and they give birth to a new idea like maybe it'll be just a tagline or a new branch that you follow and that new branch will be better than the

original premise in the first place i totally right i have since my first special i'm on my line or a new branch that you follow and that new branch will be better than the original premise in the first place. Totally right. I have since my first special, I just did my third and I was trying to write about squirting in the first one. Couldn't get it. Didn't get it. Second one, couldn't get it.

Couldn't figure it out. The third one, I have 25 minutes of squirting in my new special. Absolutely. Outstanding. Yes. It's like it hit. It was the right time. It was like getting zeitgeisty and porn. Like I just had to wait for

more to be revealed. The world is ready for squirting. It was premature. The world is ready for squirting. Do you believe squirting is real? You're going to have to watch my special, guys. Okay. I'll watch your special. I don't want to ask you to... As my gynecologist says, I'm not just being defensive because I can't do it.

I mean, I tried to do it myself, and I peed all over myself. But I did. I did it in my bathtub, and I peed all over myself. Well, someone had a good point. I forget who it was. But, like, how is it possible that that didn't exist until, like, a few years ago in porn? It's always, exactly. Well, you know the women in porn use water balloons and stuff.

The ones that are like the Bellagio fountain, that is not real. No, none of it's real. But you can, at least 10% of it is always urine. You're getting peed on. At least. At least 10% is always urine. You're getting peed on if you're into that, cool. But yeah, I feel I don't like that there's

a lot of these new sexual things that are make me feel bad like i and guys watch so much porn and become so desensitized that all of a sudden if i can't like squirt water across the room i'm like not good at fucking like why do i feel bad like i'm awesome at this god damn it why have you made me these asian women are fucking killing is. Is it Asian? Asian women are squirting? I feel like that's sort of where it started and that sort of. You brought this up twice, the Asian subservient thing. Right. Asian women.

Yes. So that's the ultimate like quiet. So it's like you view yourself as being like this overbearing sort of force of nature. Loud, white, just Viking lady. Fucking kicking doors down. I got extra bones. Just like Shrek lady. Fucking kicking doors down. I got extra bones. Just like Shrek lady. Look at my eyebrows.

Yeah. And then the Asian girls are like, what do you need to do? Yes, yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Brogan. I love you, Mr. Brogan. Hi. Hi. Anything.

You come on my asshole. Yeah. Yes, anything you want. And so, no, I think that a lot of guys, it's, I'm obviously generalizing, but a lot of guys in Hollywood just sort of like dated, married Asian women. And I was like, God damn it. Really? I wish I was Asian. Well, some women have real issues with that.

I mean, this girl that I dated, she fucking hated when men would break up with her and then start dating Asian women. Yeah, because it's like, okay, I have a giant pussy and I'm too loud. That's what it makes you feel like. It's like if someone broke up with you and then started dating a black guy, you'd be like, Oh fuck. You got to deal with it. That's what it is. Yeah. And you, it's like, you know, that's what you want, but it's not to say that there aren't plenty of sassy Asian women with opinions, but that's just the cliche. Yeah. It is the cliche though. The subservient cliche, the mail order bride. Yes. But I know that so many guys that I know are like super into that. Isn't it funny that like a mail-order bride is like a serious pejorative, right?

That's like... Yes, the Russian mail-order bride. Oh, those are dangerous. Really? I think so. Really? Yes. Fooled me once.

But just intense environment. Russians in general are pretty fucking dangerous. But like the mail order bride thing is like the idea behind it is like negative. Like you had to go search for a mail

order bride. If there was mail order husband I would have done it five years ago. Really? I bet there is. Solve all my problems.

I bet there is. You can probably find one. Thank you. It's not going to work. I feel like it's a dot net.

You know what it is? It's like a Chippin' Nails dancer. After a while you're going to find out he's gay. Yeah.

I think I've dated a gay guy before, too, and I was fine with it. He's dancing, he's got a nice six-pack. Fine, great. I would love to date a gay guy. Do you know Shayma Tosh? Yeah. Shayma has had two ex-husbands that turned out to be gay. No.

Yep. Her latest one turned out to be gay, too. No. Yeah. Gay for pay, too. No! Oh, it's hilarious. She's hilarious when she tells a story.

She's like, what the fuck am I attracting? Honey. Like, how am I doing this? I dated a guy that I'm pretty sure, that everyone told me was gay. I didn't really care that much. Until. Until. Tasted shit on his booty.

Yeah. But he was actually very sexual. I don't know. It's a very fluid time, guys. Yes, it is. He was an athlete. Gender is fluid. Yeah.

Sometimes. The concept of gender is fluid. It's a very fluid time, guys. Yes, it is. He was an athlete. Gender is fluid. Yeah. The concept of gender is fluid. It's very fluid. I mean, there's a lot of MMA guys who are into that, from what I understand. I think a lot of fighters, and I want to just say MMA guys, some of them have been abused. They come from abusive households. Yes, yes. And sometimes that abuse could be sexual abuse. Yes.

And it could be sexual abuse, obviously, by men. And that could lead to a lot of confusion. Yes. Sexual confusion. I would think so. Yes. And it could be sexual abuse, obviously, by men, and that could lead to a lot of confusion. Yes. Sexual confusion. I would think so. Yeah. Well, there's also, like, I talked to this guy, Chris Ryan, Dr. Chris Ryan, who wrote this, he's a good friend of mine, he wrote this book, Sex at Dawn, and he's, like, an

expert on sex, and one of the things he was talking about is imprinting, that sometimes when something happens to you at a very early age, even if you're not gay, that those sexual thoughts get imprinted. Yes. And there's something called cathexis, which was explained to me by Chad Presmak. Do you know him? He's the neurologist guy for the Broncos. No.

You would love him. He was explaining this thing called cathexis, which is when something traumatic happens, but you're, so if you're being, jerking off, let's say, and something horrible happens, you have a positive association with it. Whoa, plane crashes. Yes.

Someone was jerking off when 9-11 happened. Literally, you're fucked. You just have to watch the Twin Towers. What are you doing in there, Mike? I have to finish. I can't stop now. It's rebuffering stream. You got to go back to like old black and white footage just to feel it through.

Totally. So if you have some sort of thing and you're eating as a child to deal with trauma and something bad is happening. And then you're releasing dopamine in your brain and it's associating with something negative. That's a big one. The eating one is a big one with people that have trauma and they soothe themselves with the food. Major. It's instant dopamine. It's the fastest kind.

You don't have to go get to a drug dealer. You don't have to fuck someone. You don't have to get a hooker. It's the most socially acceptable form of dopamine. And you don't have to deal with people while you're doing it. You can shut the door. In the car. Yeah.

Oh, jack in the box. I go into grocery stores like I hadn't in a while just because I was working and someone was going to the grocery store for me. And recently I'm like, I'm going to go to the grocery store myself. I'm going to be a human being and I because I was working and someone was going to the grocery store for me. And recently I'm like, I'm going to go to the grocery store myself. I'm going to be a human being and I'm a comedian. You don't go to the grocery store for yourself? I do, I do, I do. But you didn't used to?

I do. Not like when I was doing a couple things working at the time, no. Really? Just in the last year I started going again. That's hilarious. Why? Do you go to the grocery store? I never have not.

Really? Yeah, my whole life. You've never had like, do you have like do you have like a someone that manages your house? No. Or like, you're such a badass. I remember when I was like wanting to do this documentary, I was doing it with my ex-boyfriend and then I was like, why am I working with my ex? The State of Play documentary, which they're still doing on Calciostorico and Fear and

all that. But I'm just not like running point on it. Why do I bring that up? Oh, and I said to you, I was like, hey, so can I have like HBO like call like your assistant? You're like, I don't have an assistant. I do everything myself. And I was just like, that's so fucking badass. But it's normal.

That's like a person. It's not badass. It's just normal. Yeah. I think when I get to a point where I need an assistant, I should back off. Interesting. I guess for me, I overextend myself too much, and my luxury is help. I don't buy expensive shoes.

I don't, you know, have a super nice, I, help is what I, and I don't mean that. That sounds so, like, slave owner-y. No, no, no, no. Employees, yeah. Yeah, or just, like, an assistant who, like, helps me, makes my doctor's appointments and just does my schedule. Well, I've seen people that have like just like a whole industry behind them, like all these people and handlers. Too much, too much. They have bodyguards they take with them on the road and they bring a personal trainer everywhere.

No. There's too much input. There's too much data coming at you. And you're being infantilized. Yes. There's too much data coming at you. And you're being infantilized. Yes. Well, in a way, but you're enabling more productivity because you're sort of farming out all these tasks.

But I feel like for me personally, I value alone time and I value thinking. Yeah. And the only way to do that is to not have obligations. Smart. You have to have less people that you have to communicate with. not have obligations. Like you have to have less, less people that you have to communicate with. It's just more people you have to call back. But I think for me, like I it's, it's, I'm so easily distracted. And so perfection, my perfectionism, perfectionism begets procrastination, which begets paralysis. So if I need to go to, if I'm going to go to the grocery store, it's going to take me three hours.

If I'm going and this, and what about this? And this has gluten and a bit of that. Like if someone else goes, it takes an hour. If I go, it's like, and then I'm in this and then I'm getting a lavender oil. And then this fucking salt, Himalayan salt. I put on the headphones. I listened to a podcast. I put my phone in my pocket. I pushed a card around. I smile at people and throw the vegetables in my cart. I have a good old time. That's fucking hot. Everything's hot to you. I know. You need to get laid.

How dare you? Hit me up, Benicio. I gotta get the fuck out of here. I gotta go take my kids somewhere. Yeah, this is ridiculous. We're at a quarter to five now. We're gonna wrap this up. We gotta do this more often.

Can we do this more often? I would like to. Let's do it. I love you. I love you too. Such a fan. When's your HBO special coming YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE care. Bye-bye. Big kiss.