The Joe Rogan Experience - #74 - Allison Sciulla

Episode Date: January 25, 2011

Joe sits down with Allison Sciulla.

And Allison... Speaking of $10 hookers, what the fuck did he say? What were you about to say? No, how rude. We're here with Allison, ladies and gentlemen. Allison, I don't even know your last name. Allison Shula. Shula.

Allison Shula. I know her as Allison Rocks from Twitter, R-O-X, and she's Brian's friend, and she's a young and upcoming stand-up comedian doing the fucking Hollywood shuffle out here making it happen, making it real. She's a very cool chick, and she rides motorcycles. She's fucking crazy. She's a lokester. She's been brought into this world to slap Brian into gear, slap him in place.

Before we get started with anything entertaining, this weekend Ari and I are going to be at the West Palm Beach Improv. It's the 28th, 29th, and 30th. Oh, Brian's going to be there too. We're going to have a big party. Don't get mad at Brian if he's behind you making faces while you're taking pictures with me. I kind of stopped doing that later.

You did stop doing it, but really you'd done it for six years. Yeah. Six plus years and maybe taken 150,000 pictures. Right. You really, for real, might have taken 150,000 pictures. If not more than that. Think about all the UFCs, all the comedy shows for six years over and over and over again. With that face?

Hundreds of people in line. That crazy bop face. If you have any of these pictures, where can people send them? We should create a Gmail. We had one on MySpace for a while. Did you end up deleting it? No. I can't. I tried to delete it. They won't let me. These fucks.

MySpace are so tricky. They're like, yeah, we'll get back to you with an email. It's like a girl that you can never break up with. I'll call you back, and then we'll break up. The bitch never calls you back. You guys should make a tab on your web page that just has those photos. Like a photo gallery. Yeah, we should.

Totally. No, they're hilarious. Dude, you know what's not funny? Three of them. You know what's funny? 300,000 of them. That's when it gets funny. It becomes hilarious because you just fucking committed to that shit for so long.

I would be like, this guy's a monster. People give up on shit. They have a silly idea and then they give up on it. Brian will fucking ride that boat right into the rocks. Run into the ground. He hits the beach. He's still in the boat. Boom!

And has to hit the rocks before he stops. Yeah. He's still in the boat. Boom! And has to hit the rocks before he stops. Yeah. He's a determined little fella. That's awesome. He gets crazy ideas and he says, well, that's why his videos are so good.

Because if he wasn't so determined, he wouldn't keep going. You know? He has like all this cool footage and he puts it together but that's not enough.

You know? He always has to add like a million different things and sound tweaks and very underappreciated It's like drive people with motivation. It's like really nice when you meet people like that You're gonna figure out a way to make money off your fucking video skills, dude Cuz you're I look at other people's videos online. I look at your videos, dude

You got some fucking mad talent when it comes to video editing. The big problem though is that When when I do it I do so many layers and so many little things that no one will ever notice. It's just in my head, like a crazy person. But if I were to ever do that... They do notice. Yeah, I guess. There's an artistic quality to these videos. It's fun.

It's an extra layer. It's like the nuttiness when you're sipping wine. I taste oak. It squeezes the last brain juice when you're sipping wine. I taste oak. It squeezes the last brain juice out of my brain, though. And after I do one of those, I just want to fucking cry. You don't want to do one for a long time. I've been with Brian on both times of where he's kicked the power to his computer and lost his project. Yeah.

Because the whole thing shuts down. Because my fucking office sucks. Because you've got numb feet, motherfucker. You don't even know where you're walking. Well, yours is actually pretty good, but underneath my desk, it's just every single wire and the power cord.

This is updated. This is updated. That's one of the reasons why I wanted to get those cord ties. We redid the whole thing. You don't give a fuck because you're just listening, most of you,

but for the longest time, I just figured, well, I'll make it look like a living room and we'll sit around and so I got couches but couches fucking suck. You know like if you're sitting up and you're trying to talk to people

like these are comfortable. Yeah. Way better. This is way better. So we got office chairs. We got a snort cocaine off this table. We can totally do that dude.

We should start bad habits. I've been living my life good for too long. It's time to start fucking up. I don't know about these mic stands, though. You don't know about them? I kind of want to be able to go like this. You know what I think we're going to have to do? We're going to have to get those ones

that you have on the radio, like when you go to Opie and Anthony and have a mechanical arm. We've got to get an arm. I have those at my house. They always break, but I think I've got cheap ones, so maybe they make better ones. We've just got to talk to someone when we do radio in West Palm. We'll find out where they buy their arms. Can't wait.

We'll hook it up. Let me sleep. It's going to be fucking crazy. So please tell me what you were telling me before we started the podcast where I made you stop because it was so ridiculous. We had to talk about this in the air.

What? John Travolta. Oh, John Travolta is starring in the new Gotti movie. He plays John Gotti as the lead role. Okay, listen. This had to have been a plot by the government. Well, Gotti's dead, right? He died in prison, didn't he?

I was saying they were just trying to fuck with him. They're trying to kill him while he's in jail. Is Sammy the Bo Gravano dead? Is he still alive? I don't know. Dude, I remember when I was a kid and this whole John Gotti thing was going down. I guess I wasn't too kid-like.

I guess I was in my 20s when he was in his prime. And it was so weird. I didn't understand it. It was like he was so mocking of the law enforcement. Just walking down the street with fucking $10,000 suits on and getting in the limousines. And it was like, whoa, this guy doesn't... He's ridiculous.

I watched a documentary on History Channel. That's not how they're supposed to do it. The whole thing about the mob was that they were all on the DL. Everybody was staying... Like Vincent the Chin Gigante. He's a famous mobster. You know one of the reasons why he's famous?

Because he pretended to be... He was running everything, but he pretended to be... He was running everything, but he pretended to be completely insane because he knew they were after him. So he would walk around with slippers on and a bathrobe over his clothes and just walk down the street and talk to himself. And he would do it all fucking day.

And it kept the police away or people away? They couldn't... Well, he's crazy. You can't say he's not crazy. So everything he says is fucking useless. This guy's nuts. Does he or does he not walk down the street in his underwear talking to himself all day long every day? Yes, your honor, he does, but I don't think that there's no more talking. This guy walks

in his underwear. Well, we think he's faking it. How can you prove it? And then everybody's faking it. They just want free food. He doesn't want free food in the bed. There's no crazy people. They're just pretending to be crazy. So you take care of them. You know, you can't say that. You can't judge whether or not someone's crazy. But whoever fucking thought that John Travolta should be John Gotti, that motherfucker's crazy. That's funny, though.

It's revenge from the government. Yeah, that's hilarious. And let's see, who could we make his son? Oh, his son is being cast by the guy... Justin Bieber. James Franco. James Franco. Yeah, who also has some gaydar action going on on his side.

Does he? Didn't he play a gay guy in that movie? Harvey Mill. He played it very well. Did he? Well, you know, so did Sean Penn. He's heterosexual. I'm just kidding.

That's just me hating it. No, it is you hating it, but it is true. Your DNA repulses you from the idea of kissing men, even if it's for a fucking movie. You know, it's like, I got good news and bad news. Okay, hit me with the good news. Dude, you're going to be a fucking movie star. Shut up. For real? Like a fucking movie? Who am I playing with? Dude, you're playing with Sean Penn. Shut the fuck up. I'm co-starring with Sean Penn? Dude, what's up? Well, what's up is he gets to fuck you in this movie.

What's up is you have to make out with Sean Penn. I always wanted to work with Sean Penn. He's just a brilliant actor i always imagined standing there like with him at an award show we're both wearing suits and shit we thank the academy we're all respected and loved and here this motherfucker is right there at the door right at the gate but now he's gonna make out with sean penn what would you do i would not do it no i'm not interested in acting. Acting to me, it would have to be something really fun. I would love to play Wolverine in an X-Men movie if there wasn't already a guy that played it.

If they offered me something like that, I'd be like, dude, I'd love to be Wolverine. I'd get on roids to play Wolverine. I'd be like, I need to get yoked. That would be a badass Wolverine, by the way. That would be crazy. I would love to do that. Because I've seen you just training to do what? That Wesley Snipes fight that never happened and you became a crazy badass. I can't even imagine throwing Wolverine, by the way. That'd be crazy. I would love to do that. Because I've seen you just training to do what? That Wesley Snipes fight

that never happened and you became a crazy badass. I can't even imagine throwing Wolverine into the mix. That would have been so much fun. That Wesley Snipes thing

obsessed me for two months. I'm really lucky that that didn't happen. Because if I went on fighting him and liking it and then ten years from now I'm just fucking completely gone.

I'm just forgetting where I leave my keys every five minutes. You're not supposed to start fighting when you're like 43. Or I was 36 then or 37 then. That's what's crazy about this Herschel Walker character. You know Herschel Walker? Football player?

You know the story behind this? Sweat this. Sweat this. This guy's 48 years old, okay? Heisman Trophy winner, super athlete. Just a fucking prime example of like perfect athleticism. But this was a long time ago, a long, long, long time ago. And in this whole time where he hasn't been playing football, it's been a few years.

He stayed in insane shape. I mean, the guy's like super fucking dedicated to training. And now he's like 48 years old, going to be 49 soon. And he's fighting this weekend on strike force on showtime he's become like an mma fighter it's kind of fucking crazy because he can still fight and all that but he's just not going to repair as fast if he gets injured he's amazing he's in amazing shape it just doesn't even make sense there was no 48 year olds that were built like that when i was a kid when you were 48 you were someone's dad and maybe had like old man

strength in your arms but you probably had a pot belly you know or at least a little bit of a gut and you know you're probably scary because you would you know you would you would hit someone first but no one looked like fucking herschel walker right you know he doesn't look like an old man that you shouldn't fuck with but he looks like this body or something ridiculous full fucking eight pack just totally shredded not an ounce of fat on his body and here's the crazy shit he says he only eats soup and salad he has one meal a day like everything about

this guy screams that he's a fucking alien or bullshit yeah he only eats super salad that doesn't make any sense it's all water soluble

he'd be dying he'd eat some meat yeah well what is water soluble like yeah you need protein right right through yeah salad right through

soup it's liquid you know yeah what's he doing? That's crazy, right? He needs a nutritionist. But why does he say that? Well, here's the other thing about him.

Because he wants to pump up his game. That probably. Well, he's obviously fucking insanely dedicated, but he might be crazy. Like for legit crazy, he's had a bunch of mental health issues in the past to the point where he has some sort of, he has more than one personality.

What is that? Multiple personality disorder. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe the part that works out is different than the part that talks and the part that talks doesn't get access to all the information. I should date this guy. He's right up my alley.

It sounds like every chick you've ever dated, period. It's a funny thing when you find yourself dating a crazy person just to get some pussy. Every guy's done it. Allison. I think it goes both ways. I'm sure. Because I've had my share of crazies.

Is it just to have a boyfriend? Like, fuck it. No, it's like where they are cool for six months and then all of a sudden it's like, what happened to you? Like, they get comfortable with you and know what doesn't freak you out. So then they start being their weird ass selves. Then you're like, where did the cool person go that I started going out with? Right.

Well, there is some kind of game when you first start dating where you're trying to be cooler than you are and it works for a while with them and then you start farting the key in life

is to become that person become that person who when you first meet somebody yeah you can it's just we get lazy you know you really are

that person at your very best unless you're just a complete sociopath and you're absolutely bullshitting about I fucking love dogs meanwhile you're

deathly allergic. You could be one of those nuts. But if not, that's what everybody should aspire to, right? You should aspire to be the person that you pretend you are when you're trying to get laid. I could have took that creamer in my coffee, but I said, no, I'm allergic to milk. Why would you take creamer? Nobody gives a shit if you have creamer in your coffee or not. It's actually more of a bold choice if you have no cream.

Whenever someone wants black coffee, I'm like, you don't even give a fuck about flavor. You're so crazy. I started drinking coffee black. I've been trying to sneak dairy into her diet without her knowing lately. She's allergic to dairy, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, well, she has this thing, you know, she's like, if someone ever farted around me, I would just end that relationship. I wouldn't matter who it would be and stuff like that.

So now I'm like, oh, yeah, we can see what happens if you start shitting yourself. Yeah. So what you were trying to do is get her sick because she won't let you fart in front of her. Wow. What a grown up. By the way, that guy's 36. You know who just said that? I'm just kidding.

He's a grown ass man. I'm kidding. Brian's a grown ass man. I'm kidding. I'm in over my head right now. And he's trying to get you to fart. I was just acting like that crazy person. Oh, okay. I don't think they head right now. And he's trying to get you to fart. I was just acting like that crazy person. Oh, okay. I don't think they act that

logically. Yeah, that's pretty thought out. You had like a nice route. That's premeditated. I'm going to jail for a lot longer from that shit. You think? Yeah, you got to walk around in your underwear and pretend you're crazy. I don't even like milk. It's illegal. You have to come up with some reason for people

to think you're crazy. crazy no my mom would ask me Allison do you think you're lactose intolerant or is it all in your head and I'm like why the fuck would it be all in my head doing that to myself

it's people that believe that everything's all in your head all allergies can be alleviated with no they can't stupid babies are allergic to peanuts

and given they die like you're not allowed to give babies peanut butter because you have to find out if they're fucking allergic to peanuts how do you find out I don't you have to find out if they're fucking allergic to peanuts. Right.

How do you find out? I don't know. You got to find out your milk, your milk thing happened later in your life. So is there something that broke your mail, your, your milk? Uh, yeah.

What was it? You just had five cheese pizzas one night or something. I was 15 years old and in the lunch line they had these like cheese and a bagels that were so good. So I got one and I ate it and I was supposed to meet this guy. I had a crush on after school and I'm walking to his house and halfway through I'm like, Jesus Christ, I can't walk anymore. Yeah. I'm like, mom, pick me up because I didn't drive yet. So she picked me up. I'm like, stop at that McDonald's. And she's like, what's going on? I'm like, I don't

fucking know. The next day I tested it out again. So you ran in the bathroom? Yeah, dude. I was over. Did you even check to see if the toilet was clean did you do some sort of a cleansing it was a cleansing yeah it's a fucking dirty thing man when you have to take a shit in a public toilet you're just rubbing sweaty asses with some stranger and everybody sweats on those things man yeah seat cover those seat covers are stupid too then like when you're done with it and it kind of grabs onto the water and flushes down with it. You see shit smeared all over him. They always look stupid. It never looks like it's supposed to be that way.

It never looks neat and tidy. So you go in there, blast out of your ass and then did you not go to this guy's house? No. I never knew what could have happened. You crushed that man's confidence. You could have changed his whole life. We actually wound up dating though. They're all high school. So that was the thing though that pushed it over the edge.

That was your last, your first thing and then ever since then anything you, or maybe it was just those, have you tried just to eat a pizza? I could do with lactose enzymes, which is the supplement like lactate or something and eat pizza, but if I have it without, like five minutes later.

That just gives your body lack. That's interesting. Have you ever tried raw milk? No, I So that just gives your body that. That's interesting. Have you ever tried raw milk? No, I've tried almond milk and all that. Raw milk has, it's not pasteurized or homogenized, so it's got all the live cultures in it. And it's supposed to be much easier to digest. I've had it a bunch of times at Whole Foods, but I don't think they carry it anymore. I'm not sure if they do,

but I couldn't find it the other day. Because a lot of people think it's creepy. Because it's just fucking right out of the cow's tit. And in like five days, it's terrible. The first couple days, it's good, but it's kind of not healthy. That milk just sits in your fucking refrigerator for two weeks and doesn't go bad. That seems like the

worst milk you could ever drink, though. That seems like the most hardest core milk ever. I watch Dirty Jobs on TV. That show's awesome. When they milk the cow, though, a lot of the times they get feces on their hands when they're milking the cow. You can't be scared of a little feces. I think a little feces in your diet keeps you strong.

You need to have battles. We need to set your immune system. You know, like when you get a flu, it's good for your immune system. Your immune system fires up, and the next time the flu comes around, the immune system is like not so fast, bitch. That's why I never get the flu shot around the immune system is like not so fast bitch. That's why I never

get the flu shot. Get a little poo in your body. Get a little poo in your body and then you can fight off disease better. We had this podcast

last night the Naughty Show podcast number two we had this porn star on and she was talking about how she right after she was

I forget what it was she was getting fucked in the ass or something like that. She's never in life should you ever be in a position where you're like, I was getting fucked in the ass or whatever, whatever. Her name's Kelly Devine. You should go look at her Twitter page so you can get a better idea of what she looks like.

No one's got a crazier Twitter page than Brie Olsen. Brie Olsen's Twitter page every day is about, oh, my God, my pussy's sore. I sucked so much cock last night. Every day, it's more and more brutal. Jeez. What's crazy, though, is... I fucked so much that a guy with a two-inch dick would make me feel like a fucking ten-incher.

She says shit like that. Is it like her tweets? Yeah. What's crazy is, though, after he pulled out his dick... Is that a real ass? Yeah. After he pulled out his dick out of her real ass? Yeah After he pulled out his dick out of her ass He puts it in her mouth

And she said it was just caked with shit Just so much shit Oh my god And then he fucked her in the mouth And then in between shoots She had to go to the bathroom And she said she spent for like 15 minutes Picking shit out from her teeth

Oh my god And she didn't have any like toothpicks or toothpaste So she was like Oh my god What did they pay you for that. Oh my God. And she didn't have any like toothpicks or toothpaste so she was like. Oh my God. What did they pay you for that? Oh my God. I think it was like 300 bucks.

from her own butt from this guy's dick. I've never seen that in a movie but I've seen a lot of ass to mouth and I'm always, I always have the same reaction.

Why? Yeah. Is that necessary? Do we really need to do this? Turn someone on. I asked him. It turns a lot of people on. It's just fucking dirty. Yeah, and I asked him. It turns a lot of people on. She's fucking dirty.

Yeah, and I asked him, does it ever get better? Does it turn into chocolate after a while where you're just looking forward to some shit in your mouth? And she's like, no, never, ever. How many times has she gotten shit in her mouth? Well, I guess that's pretty common when you do a lot of ass to mouth. But she said that she was just saying this one time in particular. My God, that is so crazy.

You couldn't pay me all the money in the world. You know, part of it is that other girls are doing it. All you need is one girl to do it and it's such a weird thing.

If one girl does porn where she lets a guy piss in her mouth, then every girl's gonna start letting guys piss in their mouth. It's a weird thing. It's like all of a sudden that's become like,

yeah, it raises the bar and that becomes acceptable. But there was no ass to mouth when I was a kid. No you got a ginger lynn peter north porno they had sex the most he shot it in her mouth and it was pretty hot right but he didn't stick it in her ass and then put it in her mouth but that's like standard today yeah well that's not even that anymore like just a load in an open mouth it's like oh not this again i mean literally you can go on like youjizz.com and look up loads in

the mouth and there'll be like a fucking hundred thousand videos of girls with their mouths open and guys jerking off in their mouth she goes to this website you need to check out because every time she's on it uh i'm just like wow that's a cool video but i have a feeling it's one of those websites that everybody goes to and i was just the last to know about it what's it called today's big thing.com i think i've heard of them before. It's great. What is it? It's just every day they have this crazy new videos and stuff like,

they have this one, they have this one video on there right now. It was Dueling Cellos. Yeah, Dueling Cellos. I saw that on Twitter, but I didn't click the link. You gotta watch it

because it's like they're trying to be really hardcore. So say what they're, I'm sorry, Dueling Cellos? It's Dueling Cellos for the song,

oh, Michael Jackson's... Oh, Beat It? Beat It. Is it Beat It? No, not Beat It. Thriller? No, it's the one that the band also re-sang. Yeah, it's Beat It.

Are you sure? No, it's not Beat It. It's not Beat It. Smooth Criminal. Smooth Criminal. Yeah, yeah. God, we're so white. So they're playing the cello while they're both looking at each other. Smooth criminal. God, we're so white.

They're playing the cello while they're both looking at each other. They're trying to be hardcore and stuff. Then it starts going... Are they doing the hips thing? Yeah, and just being real. They're fighting, but they're playing cellos and they're staring at each other. It gets really gay.

Then it turns into them in this weird part where they're wrestling in this bedroom or something like that or in a bar I don't even know what it is a dark room but the cellos are amazing yeah the cellos are amazing do you think that you can sell advertising today if you have guys kissing do you think you could sell yeah sell things

yeah you could you could have girls kissing and you could still sell a Porsche yeah you know but if you have could you imagine could you imagine if Porsche just, like the new CEO just had this wacky idea. What I think we need to do is capture the gay market. We are missing the gay market. We'll take chance.

The Porsche name is so in the American culture. They love our cars. And this guy just takes a wild chance. So he's just going to get that gay market too. And he just has two guys like making out in front of a cayenne. Just hands in the pockets and shit. It would get so many. Yo, what the fuck?

And everybody just abandons him to Audi. Fuck you, bitches. Fuck your stupid rear engine car. It would get so many complaints for PTA mothers. Yeah, but why? If it was a girl and a girl kissing, would that get complaints? Only from fat chicks.

The only ones complaining. Yeah. You know, a few fatties taking their oversized hands to cover their teenage son's eyes while he's watching TV. Mom, what the fuck?

I would rather see two girls kissing than two guys kissing. Yeah, because that's beautiful. Of course. Two guys kissing, it's much more likely rape. Yeah.

I'm gonna fucking kiss me. I'm gonna break your ass. That is weird though. That two guys to is much more likely rape. Yeah. I'm gonna fucking kiss me. I'm gonna break your ass. That is weird though that two guys to me still, if they're kissing right in front of me as tolerable as I am, I'm still kind of like,

ugh. It's tolerate because you are. I don't know if you're tolerable. That's debatable. God, you're so full of yourself.

Yeah, this is a genetic thing right Do you feel like it's a genetic thing I guess I'm not judgmental at all I don't have any problem with anybody doing anything That doesn't hurt anybody else If you want to be gay be gay It doesn't bother me at all

But it weirds me out when I'm around gay guys And they're making out I've been like as close as you are to me And two guys were holding hands And then they just moved in and started kissing each other Into your bed No as close as you are to me. And two guys were holding hands. And then they just moved in and started kissing each other. Into your bed? No. As close as you are to me outside.

In an outside place. And I remember distinctly saying, okay, don't panic. I was like, don't get uncomfortable. Just move away slowly. Your heart's palpitating. But you're like, whoa. They're fucking making out right here. It's so juvenile. It's like, I completely But you're like, whoa, they're fucking making out right here. It's so juvenile.

It's like, I completely support your right to do it. And I think, look, sometimes it's pretty gross when men and women are doing it in public. There's a lot of people that get fucking sloppy makeout sessions in public, and it gets pretty nasty. I support that. Do that. I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a problem with anybody doing it. But you've got to let gay people do it or straight people do it.

Oh, absolutely. I have nothing against it. I'm just saying it's weird that I don't see. My with anybody doing it. But you've got to let gay people do it or straight people do it. Oh, absolutely. I have nothing against it. I'm just saying it's weird that my mom likes two girls kissing. My mom doesn't care if two girls are kissing. What is your feeling when you see two guys kissing? I feel vulnerable. I feel like, don't try to kiss me. I feel like they wouldn't have nothing to do with me, man.

I'm totally another type. It doesn't matter. But if you know that you're for sure around a guy who's into guys, it's like all of a sudden you're in a completely different role. You could be pursued now. You could be pursued by a dude. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Even though I know they don't want anything to do with me.

It doesn't matter. Your instincts are like, get the fuck away. Yeah, I've seen two guys kissing, i just kind of like watched because i was like that's interesting it just looks different you know like it's watching looking at like an alien yeah it's like investigating it i wish i would if i could be a neuter for a day that's how i would feel neutering people no no like if i wasn't a man or a woman if i was if i could be sexless for a day then i could probably look at it like that and And I do look at it like that from a scientific point of view. I'm like, wow, this is fascinating.

That's their turn on. I don't understand. Anytime a girl's ever been attracted to me, I've always been like, really? What the fuck do you like? You like guys? What do you like? It's ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense.

For a man, it doesn't make any sense that women are attracted to men. I understand they do. I have a lifelong history of experience of seeing it, seeing girls be attracted to men. So I know it's real. Right. But I don't get it. Well, I don't get it either. But when it's a guy and a guy's attracted to a guy, then it's like, whoa, this is like super alien.

We just don't know it. It's something that we've never lived or experienced, you know? We're never going to be able to know what that feels like. And that's weird with kids. That's weird with guys that are into fucking horses and all that shit. How do you get that? That's even going different. What is that? Fucking, your brain just is broken.

Some people's brains just don't work right. Right. I was attacked by a man with a foot fetish at Laguna Beach. Yeah, tell him the story. I had to call the cops and everything. I'm on the internet now. Okay, so anyway, I'm at Laguna Beach with an ex-boyfriend, and we're smoking some weed on the rocks, looking at the ocean.

This guy walks up, and he has a camera in his hands. And he's like, I think your style is really cool, and you're really beautiful. Can I take your picture? I'm a photography student. I'm like, okay, sounds good. I'm like, do you mind if I smoke weed? He's like, your picture? I'm a, you know, a photography student. I'm like, okay, sounds good.

Like, do you mind if I smoke weed? He's like, no. So I keep smoking and he starts taking my picture and he's being really cool. And he's like, can I have you take off your shoes? And I'm like,

uh, okay. And I brought the beach. I guess this is fitting, you know, right. Pictures of my feet start snapping pictures of my feet. And then all of a sudden he gets down on a knee and I'm like looking at him like,

what's this guy doing, man? I'm like super high. And all of a sudden he puts down on a knee and I'm like looking at him like, what's this guy doing, man? I'm like super high. And all of a sudden he puts my foot on his face and goes. He licked it? He's like, how does that make you feel? And I'm like, whoa. And I'm looking at my boyfriend sitting right there and I'm like, babe.

And he's like, what the fuck? Right in front of your boyfriend. Did he not know that you were with a guy? He knew. He's just crazy. Yeah yeah he's a crazy guy and then I'm like what are you doing and he's like

oh I run a foot fetish website it's californiabeachfeet.com and he puts me up on there I fucking take the business card because I'm just super stoned and I'm like what just happened

whoa check out the website and I'm on there oh no didn't you recently just send a yeah I recently emailed him and said I'm gonna

cease and desist Yeah He's going to sue Yeah there's a weird thing About dudes who are into People's feet You know Did you save it?

Before The pictures The pictures are hilarious The video Oh the video of it? You should have saved it Before you take that down It's still on there

Oh it is? It's 25 bucks Oh Before the internet was around You know like back when You know you had like Find things in magazines Or you know It's like It was a lot back when you had to find things in magazines it was a lot

different. If you wanted to see some weird shit you had to really go out of your way to see it. There was a magazine called Foot. There was two. One of them was this ladyboy magazine. I wish I remembered it. I wish I remembered the name of it. It was a magazine completely dedicated to crossdressers. They were like

fucking marines. These they were like fucking Marines. These guys were like, the guy who works at the deli, the guy who's bald with the big fat head who slices salami, he wants to be a woman. And he's got makeup on and a wig, and he's posing like a woman. And it is fucking tweaky. Look how lovely she looks.

And they'll say what the woman name for his character that he plays when he dresses up is oh it's so fucking strange there's this new show coming on um where crossdressers compete like in like some crossdressing like reality show i saw a commercial for it have you guys heard of it no i saw the billboard of it it's like it's like it's like a it's like a game show but with crossdressdressing. What I was going to say, though, is that there was one magazine called Foot Action. And I remember looking at this going, what the fuck is this? So you've got to open it up and check it out. And it's all like dudes who jerk off on feet. It's a whole thing.

It's like feet on decks and girls rubbing their feet on decks. And it's like, that's like a big fucking thing for dudes. I don't get it. That's for standing, not for kissing. A whole magazine, man. A whole magazine dedicated to it. It's gross because that guy who took all those pictures of my feet, I know he went home and touched himself to him.

He's doing it right now. Yes, I did. Yeah, what the fuck is that about? If you have a foot fetish, if it has a little bit of cotton, do you get hornier from it? If there's a little cotton between the toes? I would imagine it's like, oh, it's a dirty pussy. I had a little bit of a foot fetish when I was like

18 or 19. What? Really? Well, not really. I just thought they were attractive. Like, girls who had pretty feet were attractive. Oh, well. It helps. Yeah. Because there's so many ugly feet in Massachusetts. So many girls had, like, hooves. So many girls just walking around kicking ice since they were a baby and their feet

are all jacked you know i don't have a foot fetish but i definitely like touching feet like when i sleep i like to touch a little foot i like to hold a foot but i don't like go after a foot no no but some dudes it becomes a giant focus like that's more important to them than vaginas or mouths or anything like that something like misfiring in the the brain. Yeah. People are fucking strange, man. The way one person's brain works and another person's doesn't. I was telling you guys about this before we started the podcast,

and I saw this horrible video online of this two kids, they're skateboarding in front of this guy's house, and the guy comes out to tell them to stop skateboarding, and they're like, fuck you, we can skateboard where we want.

They're getting sort of like a pushing, shoving sort of little situation and the man runs into the house and grabs a gun and guns down these two kids right in the street

it's all in the security video is it a live leak I'm guessing it was on YouTube because it's not it's not that graphic you can see him shooting it's from a security camera

from like the front of his house wow it's fucking horrible you know when you think that you know an argument between someone who wants a skateboard

and some guy who doesn't want to hear noise can turn into some man gunning down someone's children. You know, they're like 15, 16 years old. They're like kids, you know? It was so fucked up to think that someone's brain can actually be wired that way, where they just want to go out and just shoot somebody who's making too much noise.

And it's so crazy how random it is. Yeah. I mean, from Marco that I was telling you about, he was walking in North Hollywood and some guy just came up to him the other day and just put a gun to his head and was like, give me your wallet and your cell phone. And it's like, what? Yeah, it can happen. It can happen easy. There was a guy

out here that shot a cop. Yeah. Last podcast, yeah. Yeah, last podcast. Look, man, it's a fucking nutty world and as the economy gets shittier and shittier people get more and more desperate more and more things like this are going to happen unfortunately there's a lack of balance

I don't know how it comes back around but it ain't going to come back around the way we're rocking it right now there's just so many fucking criminals I want to get a gun why don't you have one I just, I don't know it's the reason why you haven't quit smoking well I mean it's don't know. I mean, it's like, all right, you want to get a gun, it's like 600 bucks. That's a pretty big purchase, you know.

Is it that much? I'm guessing, like, for a decent one. It should be. And then there's probably... Isn't it amazing that you can kill somebody and it's only 600 bucks? Oh, it's probably cheaper than that. It's probably 20 bucks if you go in the right places on the streets and you can probably get a cheap gun. But you have to do the class, too.

Or not class, you have to sign up, like, two a cheap gun but you have to do the class too or you have we're not class you have to sign up like two weeks beforehand or they have to do background checks it's like do i want to be put in the system it's gonna take you a while to get it probably do you want to be put in the system yeah afraid to be put in the system the protecting system brian is a um he's an anarchist he stays outside the system yeah don't fall into that grid he's a libertarian he does not He does not believe in this culture That's right I'm gonna go to Canada Maybe Vancouver

That's why you don't vote right So you don't get put into the system Right I already got put in the system For the IRS though So that fucking sucks But I don't know how that happened I didn't do anything

They just check you bro They found me They check comics all the time Comics get busted all the time With the IRS? Yeah Excuse me Yeah Yeah Because comics don't like To report money They'll take gigs They check comics all the time. Comics get busted all the time. With the IRS? Yeah, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, because comics don't like to report money.

They'll take gigs and they'll get paid cash. There was a huge, huge problem in Boston back in the Diz-A. We all got paid cash for all these gigs. So you had to do your own taxes. Most of these guys were lazy as fuck. They didn't do anything. They just took that money. And then years and years of these comedy clubs

reporting that they have these employees you know and then these guys never paid it just is really bad so a lot of them owed you know tens of thousands of dollars hundreds even you know over years and years without paying taxes what do you do if you you're fucked if you can't pay that back you gotta pay it back you gotta pay it back slowly as quick as you can so guys were working like every night guys were taking all these crazy gigs just to try to pay off their IRS nut. See, I get withdrawals automatically once a month. I was pretty much forced.

It's the mob. Back to John Gotti. Yeah, right? So who the fuck else was in line for it? Was it like Barry Manilow's busy? David Cassidy can't do it. Danny Bonaduce doesn't want to act anymore. Who's going to play John Gotti?

Elton John. I mean, not that John Travolta is not a badass actor don't get me wrong but that's not the right guy for the part that's ridiculous right

that's silly I mean he's great in Pulp Fiction don't get me wrong I'm not a John Travolta hater would it have been weird if they used

Sylvester Stallone yeah that would have been kind of cool though I totally would have went for that yeah well you know it would have been a good role for Stall. I totally would have went for that. Yeah.

Well, it would have been a good role for Stallone, too. It would have been something that he would want to try hard at and stretch in. Like when he did Copland, he made some attempts a few times. He's a good actor. He's a great actor in Rocky. But why do all that hard lifting when you can just be some badass in some fucking wooden-faced, wooden-lyric movie that just makes $100 billion in the box office. He's the master of those expendable-type

movies. At least they didn't put some Jersey Shore guy in there. I'm sick of all these Jersey Shore... Ari was on an audition the other day or a commercial shoot with one of the guys from Jersey Shore and him about some kind of product. I don't know if I'm allowed to say. There was a picture of Kim Kardashian,

and she was holding hands, they were palling around with Snooki, and they're both having this incredible belly laugh. They're leaning back, and they're laughing so hard. All I can think of is, what are these two dumb cunts laughing at? What the fuck are you laughing at? Who said something funny?

Snooki? Snooki probably farted. Kim Kardashian queefed and high-fived. Your queefs are louder than my farts. This is so strange. It's such a strange time we live in. When I say dumb cunts,

I say it with all love. I don't really think they're cunts. I think they're just doing their thing. I got no hate for it. I find it fascinating. I haven't even watched that show, not one episode. I watched it twice. Did it hurt your brain? It makes you grip the seat where you're like, what is going on? It makes you realize, like, these are real people, man. This Jersey Shore is,

they'll fight over anything. Fuck you, you whore! They'll throw shit at each other. They tackle each other and pull hair and turn into these crazy slap fights. And they know cameras are on. They know. They don't give a fuck. Well, that's what these reality shows are.

It's like a bunch of scientists putting a bunch of rats in a little glass cage and like, let's see the males mate with all the females and fight. They're sending Josie Shore to Italy for season four. They just announced in like the, whatever the Italian American interest group, UNICO or whatever it said,

that they're just pissed. They're pissed? They are so angry. They don't want that? Well, those people aren't even all, I mean, Snooki's not Italian, right? I don't think they're all Italian. She's like Puerto Rican or something?

You know, I've never, I can't believe we weren't talking about them. It's so stupid. Oh, we shouldn't. But we should. It's fascinating. We should just like when you go to the zoo and there's one monkey

who's throwing his shit at the glass. You want to, you know, it's not monkey who's throwing his shit at the glass. It's not like, this monkey is beneath me talking about him. No, man. These are monkeys. Jersey Shore people are just a different type of monkey. You can look at it like it's such a trivial thing to talk about and discuss, but it's really like scientific work. What's weird is most of them remind me of myself when I was like 18.

And I was like, wow, crew pomade, put my bangs up. I'm going to go. But now I look back and I'm like, dude, that is so embarrassing. Look, this guy, the situation, however retarded he might come off, he's obviously working very hard. He's got videos and exercise videos. And he's trying to make something happen. Isn't he behind protein vodka? I don't know. He probably is. He's got a bunch of shit going

on. He's obviously trying to make the most of the situation. When you see guys like that, you just got to think, this is just someone from a different world. That's all it is. It's from a world where you grow up around people like that and that kind of behavior is acceptable. I never lived in Jersey Shore, but I was born in Newark, and I lived in New Jersey, and I have relatives from New Jersey,

and I grew up in Boston, and that behavior is a lot more fucking common than you think. And if everybody in your house behaves like that, if it's always like, Joey, what the fuck is this? Man, you don't fucking see him on the phone here. If that's every day, I mean, that's a real, those are real live people out there, man. There's a bunch of people that, that's, they're every day yelling and screaming shit at each other.

Come on, bro. This fucking guy doesn't know who I am, bro. This guy doesn't know who I am. I'm so glad I only had two Italians growing up near me. They're monkeys. That's me, so I can say it. I'm a three-quarter monkey. They're fucking apes. They're squawking apes. They like to get on top of cars and jump up up down and bang on them just like a chimp would all that yelling and this it's not a coincidence that they're the loudest motherfuckers on the

planet you know what i have a lot of family in new york my parents are from brooklyn and all of my aunts are like the whole how are you doing oh my god they're brutal but it's funny but it's very like up there well you know what though it's fun though they're festive people you know i'm only bullshitting that i totally hate it because they have the best food ever i would take italian food over everything and i am italian three quarters italian so i can't be that self-hating but there's that that passion that makes them they're it's a crazy race right you know there's some rakes like like like the Armenians, Armenians are fucking crazy,

man. Have you ever, you know, I mean, I know a bunch of Armenians from the ultimate fighter from, uh, from, you know,

the UFC fights from just training. A lot of, a lot of them do jujitsu and those guys are fucking down to just punch you in the face. Yeah. They're wild. They're wild dudes. It's like a whole race of wild dudes, but that's just the way they are.

I mean, you know, if you're born into that situation, what the fuck? You know how hard it must be to try to not be that if you're growing up around your dad and you're in a tight-knit family, so they're all together. They all act just like each other in this fucking tent of them in a house. You know? I mean, for real. I mean, those are very family-oriented people.

Yeah. Armenians, they just, you know, everyone's over the house. Grandma, grandpa, the cousins are visiting. It's like they're very family. They're you know, everyone's over the house. Grandma, grandpa, the cousins are visiting. It's like, they're very family. They're all like, hey, what the fuck? They're all like super intense people. Burbank is like filled to the top with Armenians.

Like my Starbucks and stuff, they sit out there and play poker. And you walk in and they all stare at you. They're giving you like, we could trade him for, you know? My friend Armin, the Armenian, my friend Armin was a pool player back in my pool playing days. And he was this motherfucker. He wanted to gamble constantly.

Come on, you got no heart. Come on, gamble. Let's gamble. Just always wanted to gamble. Armenians, even in pool, they're like aggressive. Right. And the place where I get my haircut, which is like Fantastic Sam's or like, you know, $8 haircut type place. And there are Armenians in there too that are all the family members of the guys that

are playing poker outside. And so they kind of like know who you are from, you know, just going to Starbucks every day. So I sit down and it's the most uncomfortable haircut cut ever. Like it feels like I always think that she's going to take the scissors and just stab it through my head. So that's what I'm thinking when I'm getting my haircut. I'm like, don't stab the scissors. Why do you feel like that? Because it through my head. So that's what I'm thinking when I'm getting my haircut. I'm like, don't stab the scissors through my head.

Why do you feel like that? Because it's very intense. You need to get a haircut with me, and you'll understand. I want to get a scary haircut. It's very intense. Armenians are very intense. What if you're right? What if you're right, and it's just,

which haircut is she going to fucking snap? Right, that's what I'm saying. If I had those thoughts, I wouldn't even go anymore. That's like your intuition. Well, see, the thing is, is I go to the Starbucks every day. I'm mixed in with these people. Yeah, keep your enemies close. You know, like if they start, you know, throwing grenades,

they're going to be like, hey, you know, better stand over here, man. You know, I'd rather have that. You want to be in with them. Right. You can't beat them. So you say hi to them when you see them. Hi, guys. I did the nod.

I did the open the door when they're coming in and out i you know yeah you don't go so far as to make friends with them though no mike what's up no i don't do that with anybody though i'm very like i told you last week i keep very hidden like a ninja low profile why is that because i don't know it's easier avoid conflict absolutely i think I talked to that old man building your shed in your backyard more than you did. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I talked about his daughter's dogs.

Yeah. What's with people that just want to start telling you shit about their life? Yeah. He told me a lot. It's very, when you get stuck

with one of those motherfuckers and you realize, like it starts off as a normal conversation, like, what's going on, man? Nothing. How you doing? No, everything's good, man.

How about yourself? Well, it would have been better if it wasn't for last week you know last week my my daughter married this man and i tried to tell her to stay away from this fellow but she didn't want to listen and you're like oh no that's too bad now i'm fucked yeah see that's what i try to get out of and stay away from is that kind of shit that shit is brutal that shit was yeah you're like a beaten woman you're afraid of men you You become a lesbian. You become a social lesbian. Right. You know who's the best? It's Joey Diaz getting out of those situations.

Listen, dog, you got to do what you got to do. Hold on. He'll make his phone ring. Yeah, he'll make his phone ring. I even saw once when this waitress at the Ice House, Pasadena Ice House, this waitress was talking so much. Finally, he goes, please, you're giving me an ear beating. Seriously, I need to get out of here. That was like Joey

Diaz meets Ernie and Bert. No. Cookie Monster. Who's that? Oscar the Grouch? Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster. I eat cookies. That's what it sounded like. Okay, so anyway. So Joey told her that he's getting an ear beating. He's getting an ear beating and just started going.

Did she stop? Yeah, she took the hint. Some people you have to say that. Some people you cannot hint. She did that laughing, like, Oh, that's the worst feeling, being silenced like that. Well, sort of, but maybe she's fucking crazy. Maybe that's the only way to get her away. Maybe she would have just sat down with us and started talking to us.

Some people just don't know. Some people need those checks, because they're always going to do it unless somebody does say something. Wouldn't it be fucking badass if you could test drive people's brains? If you could be like, I wonder how dumb this motherfucker really is.

Can I just climb inside your head for five minutes? Right. Well, you'll be able to rent it someday, probably. Yeah, Malkovich. Dude, have you seen John Malkovich lately? No. Have you seen it ever? Is it called Being John Malkovich?

Yeah, Being John Malkovich. Yeah. It's such a great movie. It's a great movie. Yeah, just rewatch it. Could you imagine if you could pilot? You know, if you could... Like, I want to know what it feels like to be a girl.

So you pilot Allison. Yeah. For like, just pilot her around the house for like an hour. Being Allison Shula. And she just stays silent and lets you move around and look through her eyes. You know, she knows you're in there. She lets you in there. And you can move.

She like, goes silent. You walk her around. You move her body around. You finger yourself. Right. You can you're in there. She lets you in there. You can move. She goes silent. You walk her around. You move her body around. You finger yourself. You do whatever you want. You have her body for one hour. And then I trick her to get into herself. You could sleep with a bunch of guys.

I don't think I would do that. I would definitely finger myself though. For sure. Wouldn't you? I would do that stuff. I would get a dildo. I would pee on myself and all that crap. Would you?

Yes. You realize when you start using a flashlight, yeah, sex is way better. But it's pretty fucking good. And that's why girls with dildos, I never got that. I was like, why don't you have a stick so I can remember the dick inside of you? It's not as good as a real dick, but I bet it's probably pretty fucking close. Girls, I would definitely. If I was a girl for 10 minutes,

I'd finger myself. I would try to have sex with another woman while I was that woman. Really? Yeah. Try to make out with her? Yeah.

Yeah. And what if you turned midnight and turned into a pumpkin? Like, boing! All of a sudden, look, I got a dick.

It's like 11.58. You know what would be great right now? If I was a guy and you were a girl. But I'm not attracted to guys. Ever since my uncle touched me, I'm really only attracted to, boing! Oh, no. Oh, shit. I forgot to tell you. I was going to turn into a girl. But I'm not attracted to guys. Ever since my uncle touched me, I'm really only attracted to... Oh, no.

Oh, shit. I forgot to tell you. I was going to turn into a dude. Listen, can we keep going? Can we keep going? No. That would be cool if you could keep going because you'd already be horny. And then she'd be like, fine. She'd be creeped out because she just told you about her uncle.

And then all of a sudden a big part of her dick's in front of her. I think if I saw that actually happen, I would probably freak the fuck out. No, you'd probably... Girl turning into aof wiener. Could you imagine? Just morphing? Because there's certain animals that change sex. That's not unusual in nature. It happens in a bunch of situations. Certain

animals start off as a woman and they become a male or vice versa, and they can change dependent on certain insects and certain worms and shit. I think they can change dependent on whether or not there's enough males or enough females in the population. Really? Yeah, it's variable.

Yeah, there's a bunch of simple organisms that can do that. So if simple organisms can do that, why can't fucking humans? That was the part of the movie Splice. You don't even know. The movie Splice. It was an amazing movie. What's that guy's name? Adrian Brody.

I could have bought that movie for $6. Adrian Brody was a brilliant scientist and what he did was he managed to splice together I don't know it was like alien oh they make the worst child ever

what was it like it was like a person in some other shit I saw the trailer okay it was it was like a person in some other shit like maybe a frog

or something they made like this little alien baby and this is how dumb the premise is they keep this alien baby. And this is how dumb the premise is. They keep this alien baby at this laboratory, and it grows into a full-grown human in a couple of months, and they just keep it in the basement.

And they're just hanging out with her in the basement. Now all of a sudden she's a chick, and she's kind of hot, except her eyes are too far apart. That's the only thing that you can tell. So this thing is maybe three months old, and it's an attractive woman thing and it like, it gets scared, but if it wants to, it can kill you. Okay.

And then maybe three weeks after that, he starts fucking it. So Adrian Brody is fucking this three month old alien baby thing. I swear I'd shut that thing off in the middle of my Adrian Brody story. Who do you think it is? I don't know. It's probably the fence guy. Call from Toe Free Call. Oh, it's Toe Free Call, you cunts.

Well, that's pretty weird. So he starts fucking the thing that's three months old. I would not. That's gross. So he's like, this thing is only a couple of months old. I would have not waited that long. I would have fucked that thing the first second I looked like a girl. And it was like, oh, I made you.

Wouldn't you? You would do the same thing. No second. I looked like a girl. And it was like, oh, I made you. Wouldn't you? You would do the same thing. No, no, you wouldn't fuck this. First of all, because it didn't totally look like a person. It had wings. It had crazy feet. It had like the back legs were like horse legs. Did it talk in English?

No, it made noises. Oh, it made noises? Yeah, it was way retarded. And then at the end of the movie, it noises? Hmm. Yeah, it was way retarded. And then at the end of the movie, it becomes a male. Something happens. Something happens. It goes through some, really, it's not feeling well. And some weird thing, they think it's going to die.

And it becomes a male. And Adrian Brody had sex with it. Yeah, and the male starts jacking. And I think it kills Adrian Brody at the end. I don't remember. It was so bad, I couldn't remember. Wow. It was such a dumb movie.

It was like, when it was over, you're like, shut the fuck up. You know, there's no spoilers in this movie. When the movie sucks that bad, you're allowed to talk about it. You know,

it's like, it's fun. It's fun to watch because it's bad. Like, I was, it's a giggle fest. Does she have boobs?

Like, did they have nipples? I think she's got like some little tits. Yeah. Now see, that could have turned me the right way.

Well, she's real aggressive too and big, you know, turned me the right way. She's real aggressive too. And big. Powerful and shit. She was really kind of creepy. But she's supposed to be four fucking months old. Or whatever. At the most, six.

They had to get her out of the lab. She acts like a child. She curls up and cuddles with them like a child. And gets scared and cries. But then she'll eat a cat and shit. Did he just start fucking her? Like raping her? Did he comb her hair first? No, she him onto him and next thing you know he's boner and i swear to god the whole theater is howling laughing i gotta see howling laughing yeah i mean i was i felt bad that i was laughing i felt i can't laugh at this

fuck i'm gonna be i'm gonna be that dick in the movie theater laughing but then other people started laughing too i was going oh no and then other people started laughing out loud and then it just became a wave through the whole theater everybody was just going no what the people were just going what the fuck they were lmfao and that's one of the cool things about going to see a movie in hollywood like a lot of times when you go see a movie in hollywood like you know there's a lot of cool people in the audience yeah and sometimes some shit stupid stupid shit will happen in a movie and everyone agrees like everyone is like what is this yeah that happened when i was watching the trailers to inception um and it was what's that guy making he made that movie where

everyone's in a village and they don't know yeah the devils it showed like his name in the whole yeah same thing happened in my theater I've been talking about this before I've seen it three times the devil

when it came on everyone just started going oh you know like this looks cool with that mother of that fucking disappointing cocksucker

he needs to change his name no man I'm telling you that devil movie was pretty good I liked that movie yeah I took a chance

I'm desperate I'm desperate for a good horror movie but it seems like he's gotten to a point where a lot of people probably aren't going to watch that movie

well apparently he did not direct this I don't think I think he just produced it get your name off it bro yeah man you might have cost yourself

50 million bucks right I was doing tech support two months ago, and as I was working from home, I would watch horror movies over and over again, like just random ones on Netflix. And I would watch probably like two a day, to the point where like two weeks went by,

and I'm like, I need to switch it up. Like, I've been watching this shit too much. I had like weird dreams and shit. Sometimes there's a problem with like the celebrity director, like the M. Night Shyamalan's Boom. You know, like, because there's a problem with the celebrity director. Like the M. Night Shyamalan's Boom. Because there's a bunch of movies that are really good movies that don't have that.

It doesn't say James Cameron's Boom. But with certain dudes, their name, like M. Night Shyamalan with Ding Dong is the number one. His name is just immediately associated with all of his movies. What movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much? They all suck. The Sixth Sense was the last good one. Right. His name is just immediately associated with all of his movies. What movie did he fail at that everybody hates him so much?

They all suck. The one with the... The Sixth Sense was the last good one. The water bitch. Unbreakable was okay, but it was really slow, but then there was

the water one was so dumb, and the plant one, and I didn't even see the plant one, but everybody told me the plant one was fucking god awful. Did you see the plant one?

No. The happening? I saw a gang of them that made me nuts. Yeah. I saw, I forget which ones. I can't remember, but I still take chances. I'm a sheep.

It's a big film. What is it, Friday night? It's a big film. Let's go see it. Fuck it. Right. I'll just sit there and try to watch it, man. Sit there with my popcorn and try not to think this is stupid.

But that was a good movie. The devil was not bad. It was tricky. It was good enough. But that was a good movie. The devil was not bad. It was tricky. It was good enough. It was a good horror movie. I expected it to suck, and it did not. There's fucking not enough good horror movies out there, man. Good monster movies.

I don't remember. I think Human Centipede was the last one I watched. Me too. That was more just gross. I want to see monsters. Somebody make some good monsters. Did you see Human Centipede? I got it.

I didn't watch it. You should watch it for the creep fest of it. Really? I mean, it's one of those movies I was going to see monsters. Somebody make some good monsters. Did you see Human Centipede? I got it. I didn't watch it. You should watch it for the creep fest of it. Really? I mean, it's one of those movies I was going to turn off after the first 20 minutes. I just wanted to get a taste of it.

But then I kind of got addicted to the fact that it was so creepy. And I was just like, I've got to see what's happening here. I mean, it's not good. I don't like it. But it's definitely worth seeing just because the characters in it

are fucking creepy as fuck. Have you seen the movie Shutter Island? Yes. Okay, that one was not surprising and whatever, but there's a movie called Madhouse. It wasn't surprising? Yeah, because you kind of knew it was going to happen. It's like, oh, he's obviously going to be the crazy person.

That movie was a hot subject of debate amongst me and my friends. Really? Yeah. Most of us thought, like, I went to see it with Segura and with Eddie Bravo, and they both, we all thought that it was a bad movie. Me too. I felt like, you can't just show me a bunch of shit and then say, oh, psych, he was crazy the whole time.

It was all a dream. If you go on, like, Netflix, look up Madhouse. It's just like Shutter Island, but with, like, unknown actors. Really? And completely better story, better ending. I wish that one made it to theaters. Yeah, that Shutter Island one, it looked badass, and it seemed kind of interesting.

But when you found out that he was crazy, like halfway, there was one point in time when you kind of knew that things were a little wonky. Like, okay, all of a sudden we've entered into this unrealistic, like like how's he climbing up these mountains, you know, and by the ocean. Remember that part by the ocean

when he climbed in the cave? Into that like lighthouse? Yeah, and you start thinking, okay, obviously he's crazy. Like what's going on? But you can't have a movie where you have everything make sense and then all of a sudden

it doesn't and oh, it was a dream. Yeah. Like that's like a cheap trick. That's kind of like a slap in the face to all the viewers. Yeah, I mean I get, I get you're trying to be crafty. It's just I don't think it's successful i don't i didn't think it was good i wonder how some movies get put out and pass all the people they need to pass and then it gets such bad viewer responses well the big part about the

whole movie business is the producers the big part about the movie business is the people that come up with the money so it's not just well it's a bunch of different people get involved they you know it's not just the people who wrote it or the people who are up with the money. So they get that. Well, it's a bunch of different people get involved. It's not just the people who wrote it or the people who are performing the characters. There's a lot of other shit behind the scenes. And there's a lot of cooks, and everybody's got their own idea of what should be in and should be not in. I've seen a bunch of things that were really good

get fucked up, a bunch of things. The Man Show, when Doug and I did it, that got all fucked up by other people involved. Look at this Green Hornet movie, man. Have you seen the preview for that? That looks like somebody. I was going to say, the best example, there was a movie that I did a long time ago.

It was a terrible movie. It was called Frank McCluskey CI or PI, Private Investigator, I think it was. Anyway, it was this kid. I forget his name, Dave, who was the lead, who's a really funny guy. And he was doing all these different, I should, out of respect to him,

find out what the fuck his last name is. That Green Hornet movie was fucking nasty. Well, I'm wondering if it's supposed to be funny. Well, what I'm saying is, with this guy, when I did this movie, Dave Sheridan, that's his name. When I did this movie, this fucking kid's hilarious. And he would have, and he would

have, and him and his friend wrote it, right, so he had, like, they, they were, like, going over the scenes, and what's the best way to make them funny, and, and the dude was really good, like, he's a really good actor, he was in, like, like, a scary movie, and he's been in a bunch of different films, so anyway, he's, he's performing the scene, and, like, he'll come in, and, and hit it his way, but there's all these, no one knows who this guy is, right? So there's all these suits in the room, and these guys with fucking expensive cufflinks and Rolex watches and suspenders, and they're giving this dude, literally giving him takes. Like, do it like this.

Like, when you walk in, I want you to, whoa! I watch this guy do this, and I'm like, this is what happens when these motherfuckers get power. All of a sudden, they think that they're creative. All of a sudden, they want to influence these funny people making their shit. Just because you've backed a bunch of movies, and you've got a bunch of successful movies under your belt, doesn't mean you know how to make something funnier. But they all just want to get their greasy fingerprints on it.

It's a big problem in Hollywood. It's like no one lets... The smaller the group, the better. That's what it's got to Hollywood. The smaller the group, the better. That's what it's got to be. The smaller the group, the better. You can't make what they're doing better. You can't go in and go, no, no, no, no, no. You guys are focusing too much on this. It's too much that. You got to bring it back. All you're going to do is cause chaos. All you're going to do is interrupt. Either they make something that you enjoy or they don't, but you can't add to the process. Say if someone if you were like someone was building a car they were making a porsche and you're like i don't like the way this front end looks when i want the front end to be

stick up like this it's like a cobra like it's coming at you and they'd go like that doesn't work because there's aerodynamics like we need aerodynamics see scientifically it doesn't work but i think it would really work we're going to figure out a way to make this work. And you'd be like, well, this is stupid. You're not a car designer. Well, it's the same thing with these assholes. They're not funny. They're not actors.

They're not comedians. They're just fucking people with money that have financed a bunch of movies. So you can get it done. Yeah. So if you're doing a TV show, if you're doing a movie, there's a bunch of different people that have their say. That's how John Travolta gets cast as John Gotti. There's a bunch. And you look at a guy like that, you're like, OK, it's a big name. We've got John Travolta how John Travolta gets cast as John Gotti. There's a bunch.

You look at a guy like that, you're like, okay, it's a big name. We've got John Travolta. John Travolta for Gotti. It's very controversial. Maybe we should go with it. It's going to get a lot of press. John Travolta is Gotti. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I guarantee if we find the guy who wrote that thing, he's probably fucking pulling his hair out. John Travolta? Really?

My greatest work of all time. John Travolta? Really? My greatest work of all time? John Travolta for John Gotti. I was undercover. I wrote this book. I wore a wire, you cocksucker. I risked my life, my family's life, in fucking John Travolta. Don't they love him for Grease, though? No, not anymore.

After the picture in the Enquirer of him kissing another man getting off a jet there's a picture of him there's a bunch of people that know him that have said it online that have said in interviews that thought it was like out I thought it was like you know there's a big article like think was Vanity Fair some some dude that Travolta used to bone just talked about how, you know, he would just go to bathhouses and shit and just hook up with dudes. Remember the family guy, the last family guy, I think it was, where it shows Greece where they fly out into the air, you know, like in the car.

And it was like the bonus scene that they cut out of the movie where they're just like, oh, my God, it's cold up here. It's cold up here. You know, because they're just flying through the sky. And then she's like, warm me up, you know, hold me, warm me up. He goes, hey, I'm good. I'm good. A gay joke to Travolta and the family guy.

That's funny. You know, I understand that if he was gay and I'm not saying he is because I don't know, you know. But if he was, I totally understand him not wanting to tell people because of his business. You don't get to play the lead in movies if they know you're gay because there's just a big chunk of America, like fucking probably like 30% or 40%. This is just not going to go see a movie where John Travolta is kissing girls and has a girlfriend or a wife if you know that he's gay.

Don't you usually get to a certain point in money at least where you don't need to worry about not getting lead roles anymore? You could still probably make money especially if you're gay. Like go to commercials. That's easier said than done, man.

A lot of people don't want to disappoint their fans. A lot of people are worried. One of the reasons why certain alleged organizations protect their members from homosexual rumors and anybody finding out that they're gay is because they're trying to protect them as a business. They're trying to use a systematic approach as a business to maximize their opportunity.

Like, look, you can come out, but if you do, here's what's going to happen. First of all, you're only going to come out to strangers. Your friends all know you're gay anyway, right? That's all that matters. You're friends. And if you come out, there's a bunch of roles you're not going to get. There's a bunch of things you're going to get pushed away for, and there might be a few opportunities that you

miss. When it's all over, let's write a book. We'll write a book. We'll say you're gay. But for now, let's say you're not gay. And we'll throw in a couple quirks or perks. Yeah, you can be the woman in hairspray Sure Every now and then You get to play a girl

Yeah Yeah It's kind of funny You know It's a fucking interesting thing man The way the human Sexual system is wired There is this ad

That Maybe like a preview on the news And it's like Oprah tells a big secret Like next week at four And I'm like Isn't it always kind of questionable? She's a white man.

She's a white man. No one ever saw that coming. Oprah. Yeah. What is, what was the secret? I don't know. I don't think it aired yet. Her big secret is that she's going to be a lesbian with that girl, right?

Yeah. Don't people think that already? A lot of people think that. Yeah. Why? Wait, did you just bring up Oprah? I was watching Oprah. No, it was like on the news. That's what happens when you bring chicks to the show, bro. Wait, did you just bring up Oprah? I was watching Oprah the other day. No, it was on the news.

That's what happens when you bring chicks to the show, bro. You just start bringing up Oprah. When do I watch Oprah? I watch it occasionally just to see. It's like, I just need to know that that side exists. Did you subscribe to the Oprah channel, Joe? No, I haven't. Do you have to pay for it?

I don't know. I'll watch it. Would you? No. I mean, I will every now and then just to see what the fuck is up I watch everything man I watch hunting shows

I watch super super like right wing political shows I watch people like a scientist like I just want to know what the fuck is out there

you know I don't watch a lot of shit I don't watch for entertainment I watch for like I just watch to see what is this

you know like you know so many shows man like religious shows I love watching religious shows entertainment. I just watched to see what is this. So many shows, man. Religious shows. I love watching religious shows. I watched Steve Harvey on this religious show. It was fucking awesome. First of all, he's crying

about the pressures of being famous. It was amazing. Cats don't know. Cats don't know what it's like. Complaining about being this multi-multi-millionaire celebrity. And then he started talking about God. And it was just brilliant. It was just amazing stuff he was saying.

He was like, what did he say? He goes, if a cat don't have God in his life, I don't even want to talk to you. You're silly. You're a silly person. It was awesome. Like, if you don't believe in God, you're a silly person. I had a friend do that to me. Is that it?

She told me, Allison, we can't be friends anymore because you're not a woman of God. And I'm like, bitch, I was fucking confirmed. You should have just started kissing her. Is that what I should have done? Yeah, yeah. Finger on shit. Checked her oil. Say, shut up, bitch.

You want to taste your pussy? Suck my fingers. I should have said that. Your pussy tastes like that. You're a bad girl I am a bad girl She just would have went Right with it

Yeah Dirty little god fucking bitch Yeah So what How was the conclusion Did you guys break up No more friendies No more besties

Yeah I know We kind of met up I guess a year ago But this happened Like when we were 15 And I was like Are you fucking crazy now 15 she went god huh

Yeah Self righteous little cunt Yeah it was weird That's ridiculous You don't know what the fuck Is up when you're 15. And I was like, are you fucking crazy now? Whoa, 15? She went God, huh? Yeah. Self-righteous little cunt. Yeah, it was weird. That's ridiculous. You don't know what the fuck is up when you're 15. I know, right? You did go to Catholic school?

Yeah, I went to Catholic school for like four years. Catholic school's rough. So much guilt and strain and stress. And so many people that come from guilt and strain and stress have their kids in there.

So there's fucking strain in the home. A lot of fucking, a lot of just repression. It's one of the most depressing religions. Yeah, I didn't like it at all. They had to use it to go to confession for like once a week.

And I'm like, I'm not doing this. And I got kicked out in ninth grade. So I went to public school. So I was like, religion, they would have got me if I was like with the Mormons

or something like that. Or someone fun. Someone who looks like they have a good time. I have friends that are Mormons when they go to church. It's like basically you sit around

with a bunch of people's families, you say some nice things about God, and you leave. Nobody feels like shit. Nobody feels like a fucking sinner, like a piece of shit. I talked to two Mormons

maybe like a couple months ago while they were walking around and I was on a jog. We started talking and I said, oh, you guys want to have a time to relax, go see a movie or whatever?

And they're like, no, we can only rest for seven hours on Wednesday and that's what what we do our laundry but the rest of the time we're scouting around and knocking on people's doors i'm like well okay you're talking about missionaries yeah the people on the mission yeah this isn't like you know everybody doesn't have to do that no these are just the people that want to like go and recruit people yeah and then i think they call them elders or something like that. He's like, my name's Elder John. I'm like, what's your real name?

How fucking hilarious is a young dude coming up to you calling himself elder? Get the fuck out of here. Pretty hot. This person that I know that is a Mormon, just recently they've completely abandoned it. So it's been kind of fascinating. So they had some things happen to them in their life and they just decided the religion really doesn't make sense anymore. It's kind of fascinating. So they had some things happen to them in their life, and they just decided the religion really doesn't make sense anymore.

It's kind of weird. It's weird when that happens, man, when all of a sudden someone just goes, oh, what was I doing? Like I knew people that used to be Christians, like were super, super Christian, and then they just kind of lightened up on it a bit. Like Rampage Jackson at one point in time wouldn't swear, wouldn't stop swearing, didn't want to have premarital sex,

so he got married. The whole deal went super full-blown Christian. So that was just the girl making him do that probably? I don't know. I don't know, man. I think at some point in time people get real nervous and they really want to believe that there's an answer. They really want to believe that someone's got a book from 3,000 years ago with all the shit in it. It's all in here, man.

It's all in here. You can live a perfect life. And if you're around people that really truly believe it, here's the deal, man. It fucking works. If you're around someone who's a real, true, practicing Christian, I mean, think about what that is. For a real, true, practicing Christian,

you are just doing Christian things. You're trying to be loving and love your neighbor and do charitable things for your community. I mean, that's really what it's supposed to be all about. And if you do that, that really will make you a happier person. So it does work, you know,

even though it's, you know, it's, it's the reason why it works is because you're tricking yourself into believing that this 2000 year old book written by people who thought the world was flat and a son was 17 miles away has all the fucking answers. That's ridiculous. But,

but the fact that if you believe in something like that, it's like a placebo effect for your life. Yeah yeah i was actually at work and one of my bosses he's a pastor also and he hands me that rick warren's book he's like what is that it's like rick warren's like the chosen path it's a catholic or a christian book that a pastor wrote it's like one of the best-selling books ever really yeah the um The crazy ones are, is it two guys? They have like some whole fucking, a whole series of like super, super, super popular books,

but it's all about like the apocalypse. Oh, I don't know. You don't know about this? Yeah. Rick Warren. I think there's a group of two guys and they're like the best selling authors in America

and people don't even know about them. God, I gotta find this out right now. I hate when this happens. Did you read the religious book? No, he handed it to me, and I was like, what's this for? And he's just like, I want you to read this. And I'm like, well,

I don't want to read this, so you could have it back. And he's like, why don't you want to read it? It's just like, you know, briefing on the Bible and whatnot. And I just told him, even though he's a pastor, like, I don't want to read this. Listen, like, I though he's a pastor like i don't want to read this listen like i'm at work right now i don't need to read this okay here's the guys there's two guys named tim lehay and jerry jenkins and they write these books called the left behind series and with these they made them into movies and i have two of them i have both of them because they're fucking awesome and they're with kurt cameron and it's all about

how jesus comes back and everybody dies. But the Christians get taken to heaven and everybody here is fucked. Do they believe this? Or is this like fictional? Oh, yeah, they believe it. This is the apocalypse. This is the real shit. God's going to come back.

And if you're not saved, that's why these nutbags like Kirk Cameron, that's why you see him talking to gangbangers and trying to get them to come to God. He really believes that Jesus is going to just show up and everybody's going to be taken to heaven and everybody else is going to be stuck and fucked and left back behind here on earth in a godless world with no laws and all the good Christians will be gone. And they'll be stuck. He really believes that. And these books are fucking huge, huge, huge huge sellers like millions and millions of copies

some of the most successful books uh in america some of the most successful fiction or he's completely full of shit he's just dollar dollar bills well i don't think so man i think they started out probably you i don't know man you think they're full of shit completely who knows man i mean look at like all these people that ever get in trouble for fucking all these religious guys. If I had to bet money on Kirk Cameron being gay or not gay? Oh, dude, he had a perm when he was on Growing Pains. Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. So did, I'm trying to think of somebody good.

I think Tommy Morrison made out a perm at one point in time. Wait a minute, he has AIDS. Bad example. But when I see him trying to convert people, I'm like, what are you running from, dude? Why are you so into this? What's that about? Why is that consuming your humanism? It's a gay thing. Or money. It's gay. Gay money. Gay and money? You think so? I don't know. To me, it just seems like it's a smart thing that Or money. It's gay. Gay money. Gay and money? You think so? I don't know. To me, it just seems like it's a smart thing that he's doing. The same reason why there's clean comics.

You would say that, but this guy goes and has debates against scientists, and they look really stupid. Him and his buddy, he's got a buddy that has a... I forget his fucking buddy's name. His buddy's retarded. Ray Comfort. Okay? And you ever seen the banana thing? Right. Where it says the banana was designed byfort, okay? And you ever seen the banana thing? Right. Where it says the banana was designed by God,

and this is how he can prove it. He shows that the banana fits in your hand, and then he peels the banana and eats it and shows this is an evolutionist nightmare because this is clear evidence of creation, that God has created this fruit. Like, he fucking really meant that when he was saying it. God created a dick. It also fits

in the hand. It also gives you juice when you are thirsty after killing dinosaurs. He has to do that kind of shit in order for him to make this money to be legit, to sell all these books. He has to also do bullshit like that. He would have to be a way

better actor than he's capable of because these two guys are so dumb in these debates and they're so fascinating. There's no way you could not believe what they're saying and say the things they're saying. I don't think, unless it's like one big gigantic, you know, multi-decade hustle. I don't think so.

I think they're just knuckleheads, you know? I think they're knuckleheads and they get married to an idea and then they just stick with that motherfucker, whether it makes sense or not. But these dudes, these left behind dudes, I want to know what their circulation is. I'm sure you do. I do, baby. What's their circulation?

Shit. By the way, Oprah disclosed that her news was that she has a half-sister. She didn't know that. What? That's news? They make it all big. How ridiculous is that?

How is that news? I don't know. Everything with Oprah's news, I mean, it's kind of like when you get put in that certain class of... Why is that news? Old black lady. What is it? That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it's very weird. I can't find out how many books this thing sold. Not quickly, but it was a fuckload, officially a fuckload of books. It's all about these people being left behind. It's fucking awesome. If you ever want to get blazed and watch Kirk Cameron, it rocks. It's really good. I'd rather watch Growing Pains blazed.

That would be good too. At least they have Tracy Golds in there. Let's get some Tracy Golds. Have you been paying attention to what's going on in Yellowstone? Yellowstone National Park has a caldera super volcano that erupts every 6,000 to 800,000 years and

it's a continent killer. It kills almost everything on the continent. It'll kill like two-thirds of all living things on North America. While the magma has been bulging, and it's got these bulging pocket swells where the

earth is lifting. There's all these photos of them online. They're starting to freak out. When are we due? They don't know. It's been about 600,000 years, so it really could happen. They're starting to freak out. When are we due? How long has it been? They don't know. It's been about 600,000 years. It really could happen. They were concerned. They said they were concerned for a while, but then

they're not. Now they're not anymore because it stopped doing what they were worried it could do. The bottom line is it's completely unpredictable. They don't know when it can happen or why it happens or what causes it. When they say it's a continent killer, like it could destroy the whole continent, is that like maximum and then minimum is like, oh, it will ruin the Taco Bell next door?

Well, this is what it is, dude. It's 300 kilometers wide. And it's a super volcano, which means when it blows up, you know, Mount St. Helens is like a volcano. And then at the top, there's a small area where all the lava was shooting up in the know Mount St. Helens is like a volcano, and then at the top there's a small area where all the lava was shooting up in the air? Well, this isn't like that. What this is, is like the top part,

but the top part is 160 miles wide. And it shoots straight up in the air like a fucking mile-high wall of lava. And then nuclear winter occurs because the entire surface of the earth gets covered in fucking

ash. Like no planes can fly. Remember that little tiny baby ass volcano that blew up in Iceland and everybody got fucked? Nobody can even fly anywhere. But when this one blows, we're totally dead. Do they do anything to drill holes in it to release pressure?

No, no, no. This is way too big. You've got to move to Australia, bitch. Exactly. Move to Australia and have some canned food waiting. Seriously. Yeah. If that motherfucker goes, if that motherfucker goes, it's going to go. We probably won't be able to do anything.

You probably won't be able to get out in time. If we find out tomorrow that Yellowstone's going to blow, what are we going to do? Where are we going to go? Are we going to go to San Diego? That's why I keep that in my car, Joe. My emergency kit. I hope that thing has a motorboat in it. Because you're going to have to get the fuck out of the car.

That's a good idea. Get one of those rafts that blow up raft things. Sure, because in Australia when these crazy floods hit, there were sharks in the street. Sharks, yeah. People spotted sharks, bull sharks, swimming down the street. That's how much water there was in Australia.

What would you do? Some guns. If you knew molten lava was just coming and there was no escape, would you let it get you or would you kill yourself? It's not even that. The molten lava is going to fuck you. Yeah, that's bad.

Molten lava is terrible. But it's all the other stuff that's going to get you too. The toxic rain, the fucking shit in the air where it fills your lungs up and kills you. A lot of animals like they found all these woolly mammoths and they were all dead and um they were dead in like this mask like field of them and one of the things they found was that their lungs were all filled with like soot like their lungs were filled with like volcanic ash and so what happened was they just got caught in some big volcano eruption and they just breathed in all that smoke

and it literally turned their lungs into rocks. They just died. You get lungs filled with volcanic ash. It's like volcanic rocks basically in your body. That's terrible. It's terrible. It cuts off your air. You can't breathe.

The air is thick with this shit. And they all died. Have you ever thought to get one of those chemical masks that you can get like at surplus stores? Dude, when you need that chemical mask, everybody's dead anyway. You know, if you need that. I mean, what are you going to do? You're going to be Mad Max? You're going to be out there on your own? Save yourself.

Go walk around and hump some dead ladies and grab some wallets. I don't know, man. At a certain point in time, you got to say nighty night. If there really is a heaven or a hell and I did kill myself in that situation, I hope that they'd be like,

it's okay, we get it. No, see, they don't. They won't get it. There's no exception to that. You can't kill yourself. Kill yourself before you suffocate to death or molten lava

attacks your body. Well, molten lava probably gets you really quick. I mean, if you fell in, I bet if you fell in a volcano it'd take like one second you would just disappear have you seen that maybe volcano is that what that's called i mean how long could you last that's what they used to do man in hawaii people

were douchebags they throw them in fucking in pele they throw them in a volcano man so they got rid of cunts yeah yeah that's how they get rid of people that's how they execute them oh my god back in the day son back when motherfuckers were wearing straw skirts, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Throwing spears at animals and shit. Sacrifice to the gods. Wild pigs and shit. That'd be a wild place to live, throwing people in a volcano.

There was this documentary on lost tribes and all these different people that are still living, you know, like they lived thousands of years ago all over the world. And I was watching it and I was thinking to myself, man, what the fuck would I do if it all went back to this? How would I, would I even want to go back to this? Like, what if society ended and all of a sudden you're making bows and arrows

out of fucking bamboo trees and making your own twine and you're trying to feed your family by hunting food trees and and making your own twine you're trying to feed your family by hunting food fuck man really that'd be okay what why why would you think that i don't know it'd be kind of like it'd be like camping it'd be like fun for like a week and then you're like i'm fucking hungry and there's nothing to eat around here except this bird that won't sit still and i need to make a well guess what there's not that many animals it's not nearly as many as you would need to make a... Well, guess what? There's not that many animals. It's not nearly

as many as you would need to sustain a population. Okay? You know, we think of, you know, we'll go hunting. Well, you know, there's no animals to hunt anymore. It's not like it used to be 300 years ago where you could, you know, go anywhere near here and there'd be deer everywhere and all sorts of other animals to eat. Like, we pushed all those bitches out. There's like

nothing left. You know, occasionally you'll see a deer in Hollywood. You know know like you ever drive up laurel canyon and see a deer family and shit it's a trip you know it's like wow you guys are still here huh i was asking you that yesterday if you ever see deer around here yeah it seems very empty i see deers and coyotes and we'd be fucked we'd have to start eating each other probably. Dogs first, then people. There's no other food. How many fucking cows are there around here? Someone's farm.

If you got no more cars, okay? Cars don't work anymore. Let's just get crazy, right? What are you going to do? You got no phones. You're going to start eating people. Right? Yeah.

And then you're going to probably kill yourself. You're going to try to figure out a way to kill yourself after you've eaten a few people and you feel bad. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I could... I i don't know couldn't eat a person would you rather die uh yeah i would kill myself before i ate a person all right speaking of killing yourself this fucking bath salts thing have you heard about this yeah i have that's craziness this is for the folks that haven't heard and this is not a joke this isn't the onion okay this is the huff this is not a joke. This isn't the onion, okay? This is the Huffington Post, which is sometimes almost as funny as the onion, but in a different way. Anyway,

this is, um, what they're saying is that there's chemicals that are sold as bath salts and people are taking these and they're getting high with them. And it's making people like crazy, suicidal, doing nutty shit. Like this one guy took a skinning knife.

It says slit his face and stomach repeatedly. He survived, but other people haven't been lucky as they've been snorting, injecting and snorting powders, such as innocuous sounding names as ivory wave, red dove and vanilla sky. So it basically turns you into some fucking homicidal suicidal maniac. That's crazy. Who was the first person to do that?

Fuck yeah. I mean, what is it about people that we are so desperate to change our state of consciousness? So desperate to get drunk or high or speaking of which, you're a fucking drunk cast. I've been meaning to do this intervention

and do it on the air. Because this is an intervention. I need to meaning to do this intervention and do it on the air. This is an intervention. I need to talk to the both of you. You can't drink like that that often. No, we don't do it. You're going to die and you're going to die on camera. You're going to have fucking liver failure on camera and that's going to be a sad show.

We waited like 10 days between the both. Well, you're fine. This motherfucker calls me up. You got me sick. I got you sick, dude. I saw you fucking shit face slurring hammered on the Ustream. A bottle of Jägermaster. Yeah, a whole bottle of Jägermaster. You're blaming me for you being sick. Shut the fuck up, man.

We both were sick. Yeah, you both should be sick, you crazy fucks. Those are nuts. Still sick. So what they do is, for the folks at home that do not know about this, they do this thing called the drunk cast. He calls it blackout cast or drunk cast. And he's done it a few times.

And sometimes they do it and they watch the UFC, which is pretty cool. They watch the fights. And then while the fights are going on, all these comics are commentating on it. It's really funny. You know, like Joey's over there and Sam Tripoli and Tebe. And, well, the latest thing is they drink a whole fucking bottle of Jager and just get completely smashed. In like an hour, too.

Oh, yeah. It was not like... See, the problem is we've done two of the blackout casts, which is where we take a whole bottle and we start going crazy. First one was the Jager Meister bottle, and we did that in like an hour, and then don't remember the last half of it. Don't remember the next day for the first couple hours.

You know, I don't remember anything. Then the second one. What does it feel like when you watch the video? Oh, it's hilarious. That one was funny because it was. I can't believe it. Yeah. But the last one was so bad you took it down.

Well, I'm debating on it because the problem was is the UFC drunk cast was right before it. And we got sloshed on the drunk cast. Like we were wasted at theed on the drunk cast. We were wasted at the end of the last one. And then we decided like an hour later, hey, we're still drinking. Let's do a blackout cast. But then we were so

wasted that we couldn't even think of what to drink. So we were drinking coconut water with vodka. We were doing just like straight Morgans. That actually sounds good. It was really good. It was actually good. Coconut water and vodka sounds good. doing just like straight Morgans. That actually sounds good. It was really good. It was actually good. It was pretty good.

Coconut water and vodka sounds good. Did you do it over the rocks? Yeah. It was good. It took off the edge of the vodka, so it tastes like you're drinking. I want one of those. Yeah.

But we had like, we had Jager, vodka, beer, and Captain Morgans. And we're drinking all this mixed up. This is two days in a row. So two days in a row, you're basically drinking. No. The drunk cast is when? No, that was an hour before we started this blackout. This is two days in a row. So two days in a row you're basically drinking. The drug cast is when?

No, that was an hour before we started this blackout. So it's the same day. It was an hour after. So we did two podcasts in the same day. Right.

Oh, I thought it was the day before. Oh my God, that's ridiculous. Oh, you poor fuck. I don't think we should post it because we just got so on social also. It was like,

this is an impersonation of most of the blackout one. That's him. Seriously. It was like, this is an impersonation of most of the blackout one. That's him. Seriously. Good. Leave it. Leave it up, dude.

Leave it up. That's important, man. That's part of the entertainment. Listen, that's part of the entertainment value. People don't have to watch it. You're not forcing them. You're not charging them for it. It's up there.

Leave it up there. Maybe I'll put the audio up, but the video is just... The video is not. The video is okay. How about this? How about we record, we take the video and record you guys doing commentary over it? That would be funny. Yeah. Have it playing on and then get it to a certain point where it's like, where you're just not

even talking anymore. Yeah. And then just start explaining things. This is what was going through my head. Yeah. Should I puke now Or should I Can I hold it in or can I get to the bathroom You tried puking on camera

There was a part where I was puking in a bag And then she ended up puking Well you ended up licking his fleshlight You should have thrown up That was at the UFC drunk cast That was how drunk she was at the UFC drunk cast I mean we really were Bad that last one.

I don't know if I can... I think the secret is starting off completely sober and then drinking a whole bottle in an hour or something. Did the porn stars

touch your flashlight? No, they were like, oh, I'm not going to touch that. Wow, that's hilarious. The girl's picking shit out of her teeth with her fingernails.

And she said, I'm too good for your flashlight. And then Allison kissed it. It was clean, right? She didn't want to have nothing to do with it, man. It was clean, right? Listen, it's washed, but the bottom

line is, well, it's like shaking hands with a dude. If you shake hands with a dude, you're basically touching his dick, because every guy touches his dick. And the odds of him having washed his hands after he touched his dick before he touches your hands, they're like 70% against. Most of the times, when you're not around,

we're always grabbing our dicks and moving it around or grabbing our balls. You shake a guy's hand, you're touching his balls. There's one point in the drunk cast which is this. This is true. You kiss a girl, you're sucking someone's dick. I don't think I ever told you this This is a true story, a crazy story

I used to work at this Mexican restaurant And I was a waiter And the waitresses were There was one 18 year old waitress And three 17 year old waitresses They were all fucking hot And they all had a crush on me We need some porno music

So anyways I started having sex with the 18-year-old hostess. Damn, look at you. A player. Back in the day. She had a party once where she invited all the hostesses

and so it was me, her, and like three other hostesses. We're all getting wasted drinking. I bought them alcohol because that's what I like to do. Yeah. But anyways.

The party starters here. I was like, how can I make out with all these, take advantage of all these girls at the same time? And so I thought up this idea where I took Saram Wrap and I would put it in between my mouth and the girl's mouth and go, if you want to make out, you're not touching me. So we can pretty much make out as much as you want and it will feel real. And we're like, holy shit, that's awesome.

And so I would just start making out. How old were you? I was 18. That's kind of weird. I was 18. And they were 18 and they fell for this? Yeah. 13-year-old move.

No, no. And what was great is like I would, on a couple of the girls, I had a little hole in the thing that would find my tongue through. And they wouldn't notice because it felt, it feels real. That's so gross. And then I started taking Ceram Rap and putting it on my hands. Be like, I could touch your boobs because I'm not actually touching your boobs. Oh my gosh.

That's like a serial killer That was hilarious That's a good move Yeah and so I did that We were so drunk I started doing that So but when Tell me more about this move

So the girls let you do that? Yeah oh yeah Did they pull their tits out? All of them No it was up the shirt Making out Up the shirt And they were drunk

So raw tit Yeah raw And you just have Surrounding it over your ass And what was so funny is is that the girls could feel when i put my hand up with the plastic on like it was like not like half flat like the saran wrap wasn't covering my hand half the time of course they knew that it was just like dude this move is awesome meanwhile julie julian assange is in jail for rape for way less than

that right and so then then the one girl i was fucking with like i went and had sex with her and whatever that later that night and they all the other girls like passed out in the living room i came out and there's one girl was like still awake horny and she like called me over we started making out and we had sex in there and then it led to sex even so so you you've i think you started a competition by feeling up all these girls and being the only male. Right. You started a competition. Right.

You created an unfair game. It was awesome. Very smart move. It was very smart. Give me a pound. That was strong. So I pulled the move on Allison. That's hilarious.

And didn't it feel real? It feels real, right? Yeah, it does. It felt completely real. Pulled the move on Allison? So if you little young kids out there. I was like, we shouldn't make out. And he's like, I'll use saran wrap

I'm like okay I guess that works Why not just use condoms You don't even really fucking That's what you're pretty much doing Yeah It's like face condoms And hand condoms

Wow Pitch that to Trojan Yeah if you had a really strong plastic Like a really strong one And you could put your whole body And cover your entire body In this sheet of plastic Sure let's try it out

Look I can show you How real it feels You want to make out through the bottom on on today's volcano bag joe how dare you on today's big thing that website said earlier um they had this thing where it's called the creepiest man alive and he blows himself up in balloons and he like sits in there and hangs out he makes balloon suits i would not say he's the creepiest man alive if you think that's the creepiest guy alive you need to get online more That's what it's titled But for creepy

That's the title They're just being silly It's not really the creepiest man That would be hilarious If I lived in a balloon Invited girls into my balloon The best thing ever That's what it's called

Todaysbigthing.com Todaysbigthing.com You can never fucking Keep track of all these sites I know That's a good one There's so many God damn sites

Very good one Todaysbigthing.com There's so many goddamn sites. Very good one. Todaysbigthing.com. There's just, is the internet ever going to run out of website addresses? I don't know. No,

because they'll just start adding more dots, dots, dots. Yeah, it's always weird when you go like,

dot R-U. Or, you know, like, hey, are you trying to fucking, are you trying to

give me a virus? Jack my shit. If I look at a Russian website, I go, ooh, Romania. I was reading this thing, I believe it was in Wired, about this one area of Romania that has just a gigantic percentage of the world's hackers. And they're all driving around like Mercedes-Benzes. They're all like young, loud-mouthed kids. They're just hackers, just jacking people.

All these scams. How many times a week do you get, Dear Sirs, I need help from you. In an exchange, you will have access to my grandfather's fortune of whatever the fuck it is, and this is what I need you to do. How many of those do you get? Dude, I got one today that was so hilarious. It was from Microsoft Xbox

Award Show Soccer at Gmail or something like that. And it says, oh my goodness, you have won

the grand prize of the Microsoft Word National Holiday something like that sponsored by soccer. Do you have it? Can you pull it up?

Let me see if I can pull it up. Oh, those are the best. Hilarious. I marked it as spam. They have bad English and they're from Nigeria? Yeah.

I wonder if I can get that. They don't give a fuck in Nigeria. It's like you're the winner of Microsoft. Nigeria is the wild, wild west. Wild, wild west. But I loved how they were throwing in so many keywords

that even like if my mom saw it, she'd probably be like, whoa, it is from Microsoft Word. You know? Hold on. Here we go. Spam. Shit, did I delete that?

So it came in as spam? No, it came in my inbox, but I think I marked it as spam, so I don't know what happens to that. Check your trash. I did check it. It's not there. I don't have it anymore. Oh, Brian.

I literally just put it on. Oh, here it is. No, I got it have it anymore. Oh, Brian. I literally just put it on. Oh, here it is. No, I got it. Right here. I got a whole section I saved in my email. The wording on this. All right, here it is. It's from Microsoft2011gmail at ffifaworldcuplottery.com.

It says, dear winner, please check the attachment below. And it says, Dear Winner, Microsoft Corporation Management Worldwide are pleased to inform you that you are a winner of your annual Microsoft Word lottery conducted in Africa, being the host of the present FIFA World Cup Mega Jackpot winning program. Your personal Gmail address or company email attached to the Microsoft Word with serial number, you are lucky number and you won. You therefore been approved for lump sums of 1.1900 million thousand.

Really? Yeah. Payable in cash credited to file number BT something from total prize money of 50 million United States dollars. Whatever. What are they asking for? It says all participants were selected from Gmail worldwide websites throughout our Microsoft computer ballot system.

Drawing from 21,000 names. Blah, blah, blah. So what do they need you to do? Yeah. Cuff up some cash? So then it says, it gives some phone numbers and it gives some emails, which would be great if we could call this person right now. Oh, that'd be hilarious.

It says, it must be claimed. I have to fill out this thing in order to avoid mistakes. Yeah, well, okay, what do you have to do? Do you need to give them money? Like, what are they asking for? No, it says name, address, nationality, sex, age, occupation. No, it looks like I just have to call this person back, and that's when they start asking for numbers.

Yeah, and they probably, when they get all that information, like name and all that jazz, they probably Zoom in on you. Then they do, like, an Internet search for you. Oh, shit. And then they just start targeting you and in on you. Then they do like an internet search for you. Oh, shit. And then they just start targeting you and going after you. I like this.

It says lottery sponsors, chief sponsors, Microsoft corporations. And then it shows photos of all these like pictures of people winning like state lotteries. That's hilarious.

Yeah, it's ridiculous. I get a bunch of different kinds. Some of them that are like, they're like, you know, it's a different kind of scam. Like this one I got the other day. I don't know who the fuck this guy is. It says Ryan Keegan. I have no idea. I don't know any

Ryan Keegans. Hey, how you doing? I made a trip to London two days back. God mugged at gunpoint last night. All cash, credit card, and phone was stolen. I got messed up in another country. I'm stranded in London. It is a bitter experience, and I was hurt on my right hand, but I think I'd be just fine. I'm sending you this message because I don't want anyone to panic. I want you to keep it that way for now. My return flight leaves in a few hours, but I'm having trouble sorting out my hotel bills. Wondering if you loan me some dollars to sort out the hotel bills and also take a cab to the airport. About $2,500. What? I've been to the embassy, but they aren't helping issues.

I have limited means of getting out of here, so I really need your help. That's insane. But I guess he sends this to like, you know, I guess he sends this to like a million people and you get a few bites. Right. You know, and all you need is a few bites. If you could do this with a computer, if a computer can generate a whole gigantic email list that you can steal from something or buy

like a lot of them I bet you can buy them there's a bunch of different corporations for sure, they've gone out of business and you ordered something online and they sell your email address and they have a database they sell their database it just amazes me that they're all so stupid sounding

let's talk about what we talked about earlier. The waitress that wouldn't shut the fuck up that Joey Diaz had to give an ear beating to. Tell her, you give me an ear beating. If you took that woman, and all of a sudden she gets this email. Right. I don't, who are you? Where do we know each other from? They should add something like, hey, have you seen Black Swan yet?

That was awesome. No, he gets... No, he's stuck in London, man. You don't have time to talk about Black Swan yet? That was awesome. No, he gets, No, it's stuck in London, man. You don't have time to talk about Black Swan. Do you like Microsoft Word? Me too.

Anyways, I need money. He gets one old retired woman who has like Alzheimer's and she's like, oh my gosh, Ryan? Yes,

and there's a lot of those people out there. There's a lot of little man boys out there too. There's a lot of people that are like children. You could take their money. Oh my God.

I talked to this photographer and he has a friend that does this organization called Project Child Save where they get a bunch of money together and this guy flies out to other countries

and takes back kidnapped kids like they may be taken and brings them back here. Whoa. Yeah. And I guess the government has nothing to do with it. It's all privately run.

They're doing it right now. Wow. That is a lot of gunfire I would imagine. Isn't that insane? If you stole a stolen kid from a family, you're pretty much kidnapping.

But they go to other countries. Re-kidnapping, right. That's scary shit. That's a good reality show. Project Child Save? No shit, but I bet you couldn't follow. That would be a little conspicuous.

Running around with a gun in their hand, sneaking around the corner with a fucking camera guy behind them. And like a boom. Here's another one that I got that was a much more subtle one. Attention. How are you doing? Hope fine?

Question mark. Sorry for the late email update. I want to make fast contact with Mr. David Doy in regards to your released project fund. Why do you save them? I save them all. I got one from the first bank in Nigeria From 2009 that I've saved

It's a collector's item Just listen to the first line The first bank of Nigeria Listen to this one Dear, this letter is written to you In order to change your life from today Nice You got me so far I am riveted to change your life from today. Nice.

You got me so far, I am riveted. I am Mr. James Lewis, the director, international remittance department of this bank, comma, my boss, comma, Mr. Jacobs, no comma, just a slight space, M. Smith, comma, the managing director CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me

to make all international payments. Wow. Is that from Nigeria? That's crazy. Yeah, it's awesome. It's so bad. It's like,

do you even have Microsoft Word, motherfucker? What did you run this shit through Google Translate? Right, you just paintbrush and text edit. They must have just ran it through a translation program, right? They don't know what the fuck through Google Translate? Right, you just paintbrush and text edit.

They must have just ran it through a translation program, right? They don't know what the fuck they're saying. I think that's what it must be is it's been translated. Like, they do it millions and millions

and millions and millions. There's a part of me that is absolutely fascinated by this because what I'm getting here, right? Again, I'm sitting in front of my computer and I'm getting

this direct connection with some fucking guys who are basically like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings. I mean, think of some of the people in Nigeria. See the Somali pirates and all these fucking nuts that they've got. It's a wild, crazy, savage world out there, and they're just millions and millions of email just trying to fuck people out of their money.

How do you get me out of here? How do you get me out of here? And that's what these guys are doing. I watched this episode of Intervention on A&E, and one of the guys was getting interventioned because he was addicted to replying to those kind of spam emails. He blew his whole retirement, and he'd be on the phone with Africa, and they'd be like, we need $30 more.

He's like, okay, I'm right on it. And he's like, I'm not getting scammed. I'm just waiting for my prize money. And his family's like, he doesn't get it. It was Intervention? It was Intervention, yeah. They shouldn't even waste a show on that guy. They should just slap him a couple times and take his internet away. shouldn't even waste a show on that guy. They should just slap him.

Slap him a couple times and take his internet away. It's not wasting a show. It's fascinating. We talked about this one guy that was getting scammed by these Nigerian dudes and they pretended that they were a hot chick and it was a famous porno star. And they used her photos and this poor fucking guy who's this sad old 60-year-old man

and he thought that it was real. He thought that he was really going to meet his queen. But what happened? This dummy flew to London 14 times. 14 times to me and for whatever reason they could never quite hook up. There's a good website called 419eater.com and they pretty much just

screw over all the scammers. That's the whole website. 419eater.com Is it like a Yelp for scammers? That's the whole website. What's it called? 419eater.com. Is it like a Yelp for scammers? It's like opposite trolling. Like baiting. Right. Remember when Stanhope used to do that all the time?

Stanhope used to bait child molesters. I think he read a book about it. Didn't he publish all of them as a book or something? It seems like he did. Did he do it for a job or on his own free time? No, no. He did it to be Doug Stanhope. That's just how Stanhope rocks it so he was um

contacting these uh these child molesters and then take all their like all the fucked up shit that he would say to them you know pretending he was like a little kid yeah and they would uh put it online yeah there was a whole website baiting.org remember that yeah still around uh i don't think so but that 419 is You've got to check that out. There's the Hall of Fame, the Trophy Room, and these people. Yeah, baiting.org's here. Is it? Yep.

It says, welcome to baiting.org, one of the most fucked up sites on the internet. Due to the mass amount of sexual content on this site, we felt it was in everybody's best interest to give you the following disclaimer. And then you go in, and it's all, the whole thing is all them baiting child monsters. That's great.

The fucking Stanhope stuff though, if you can find it, yeah, there's a bunch of them. You can see them there by Stanhope. And they're goddamn genius. You know, I think half of my lung is filled with incense. You got some crazy incense. It was huge. That was like an incense log. A fire log of incense. You got some crazy incense. It was huge. That was like an incense log.

That's like a fire log of incense. That's the real shit, man. I get it from the Jamaicans outside of the House of Blues. It's smoky. What kind you want, man? Is it too much? I'll kill it.

It's almost like I feel like I don't have any air. You want to kill it? You're like breathing perfume. I'm 100% hippie. Hold on a second. I'll kill it. Don't be a pussy.

Meanwhile, you smoke cigarettes. I know. My eyes are watering. We're all like... Is yours? Do you feel it? It feels like it's just thick. Now that you're saying it, I'm noticing it, but I wasn't noticing it before. Damn you.

I'm sick of smoking here. You know what I'm trying to do, man? I'm trying to recreate what it used to be like back in the day when I started out in the comedy clubs, man. And you could just go into a smoky room and you knew that just dark shit was going to happen. Something about those smoky rooms, man, where you just knew no one's taking care of their health here. This is a place of deviance. That's right.

That's why I used to love smoky pool halls. Pool halls used to be the best. You go in, 2 o'clock in the morning, the place is packed and there's a thick cloud of cigarette smoke. Yeah, it's probably not so good for you, but something about it is just...

God, the worst is waking up the next day, though, and smelling your clothes. Oh, God. Especially if you don't smoke. Even as a smoker, that's disgusting. They still have one of those

in Orange County, near where I live. It's a bar with pool tables and stuff, and you can smoke cigarettes inside. I was having this conversation with a buddy of mine about those natural cigarettes.

Are those things any better for you? I don't think so. They say they are. It's like vapor and there's like no carcinogens in it or something like in the wrapper. But it's still tobacco, right? Smoking tobacco is not good for you, right? Well, there's no smoke. That's correct. It's kind of like... What are you talking about? I'm talking about

cigarettes. Oh, electronic cigarettes. I thought you were talking about electric Natural cigarettes Those American Spirits Are those better for you? They're better for you because it doesn't have The 102 other chemicals in it It's better for you Than having a Marlboro Light

But I also have noticed When I smoke those It takes forever It's like I'm smoking 20 minutes instead of five minutes. And it tastes like a bonfire. It's not the same? No, it's not. It's not good.

I like it, but it feels like you're smoking more. A bonfire. That's an interesting way of describing it. When you get smoke in your mouth when you're near a fire, you cough on it. It tastes nasty. Yeah, it's just very leafy and dry. That doesn't sound good. That's like an old cigar.

Marlboro Lights, you barely even feel like you're smoking. It just feels calming or something. I don't mind tobacco, man. I like tobacco in the form of cigars. Tobacco, when you smoke a big cigar, especially after you have a big meal and have a big cigar, cigars give you a weird buzz, man.

Have you tried pipe? Even if you're not inhaling the cigar, you still feel that satisfaction? Oh, yeah, for sure. Because it comes into your bloodstream through your mouth. Immediately. By the way, a lot of people don't know that, but anytime there's smoke in your mouth, it's almost immediately in your blood supply. That's when people say, I'm not going to inhale this weed. You're still getting fucking stoned.

Yeah, Bill Clinton, you dummy. So fucking dumb. I didn't inhale. Okay, good. Then you didn't get as high. Right. You still got high, silly. You're not getting high on...

And you got bath salts. Pretty high. So are they going to start recalling bath salts? Yeah, they're making some bath salts illegal in Ireland right now. It's an epidemic all across the world. I wonder what it would be like to snort Mr. Bubble. Dude, this shit, the weird thing is

it's the names of it. Ivory Wave, Bliss, White Lightning, Hurricane Charlie. Chemicals can cause hallucinations, paranoia, rapid heart rates, and suicidal thoughts. It makes you attack yourself. And it makes your nose smell great. I guess, you know what, and suicidal thoughts. It makes you attack yourself.

And it makes your nose smell great. You know what? Your body is probably so... Your body is probably so mad that you're such a dumb cunt that you snort bath salts that your body's like, oh, we're going to kill ourselves now.

All right, you want to do this, bitch? You want to do this? Come on, get a knife. Well, can't you get... I mean, you could pretty much get fucked up on almost anything if you wanted to. I don't think you could get fucked up to the point where you want to slash your face off.

I mean, listen to the things that people are doing, man. They're like attacking themselves. Yeah, they're still conscious and alive and stuff. And it causes, apparently, it's super the stimulants are neurotransmitters in the brain, they're saying. And this stuff, MDPV and

methadrone, they're made in a lab and they aren't regulated because they're not marketed for human consumption. So these things are in these bath salts. How the fuck is this stuff in bath salts? That's like, you're like taking a bath with crank.

Like, that's what you're doing. You're taking a bath with PCP. How is that in there? I don't know. Isn't it just supposed to be salt? What the fuck is going on? Dude, it trips your pores open and it, it gets in there and washes around yeah it causes intense cravings for it and they'll binge on it for three to four days before they show

up in an ER and even though it's a horrible trip they want to do it again and again it's incredibly addictive wow this is nuts they 25 states have received calls about exposure, including Nevada and California. Louisiana leads with the greatest number of calls at 165. 165 fucking people. I need to go to Bed Bath & Beyond tonight. Seriously. Wow, this is crazy.

Might as well try it before they recall it. No shit. At least stock up on it. This is really nuts. Florida has 48 different calls calls or 38 different calls. It's like the highest demanded drug now. Soapcast. That's a strange, strange thing that all of a sudden they figure out that they can smoke.

It's almost like you found another hole in the system. People want to get high so bad. Oh, we found this new shit. Hundreds of people are doing this. This is crazy. Apparently, it's not something you do recreationally. It's not like, I tried it. I didn't like it.

You just do it and you get into a face-slashing zombie. Wow, this is nuts, man. I wonder if you could do a little bit less of it and not turn into a face-slashing zombie. Maybe they're just doing way too much. Whoa, here it is.

Can't stop. This is what they're saying. The problem grew in rural Mississippi after a law began restricting the sale of pseudoephedrine, the key ingredient in making methamphetamine. Pseudephedrine? Yeah, pseudephedrine. So when they stopped selling that stuff,

restricting the sale of it, they couldn't get meth anymore. So they got crazy, and then they tried this shit. This is worse than meth. Oh my God. This is something that's fucking up meth heads. Like, they used to just be meth heads,

and then they started doing bath salts and cutting their faces off. I want to hear about the kids who tried it, who started this phenomenon, you know? I don't think it was kids. Where were they? Yeah, it was probably kids. Yeah, I bet it wasn't kids. Really? Yeah, you know what I don't think it was kids. Yeah, it was probably kids. Yeah,

I bet it wasn't kids. Really? Yeah, you know what I bet happened? I bet there was some fucking crazy guy like in that Breaking Bad show, there was some sort of

a scientist character and he realized that bath salts will fuck you up too. So he just started giving them to people. That's possible. But you can't even corner that market

if you tell them it's bath salts. Right. So they must have held him at gunpoint to get the secret. Listen man, it's just bath salts. This is the greatest fucking crack of all time man give me the shit i'm taking over the world listen duco it's just bath salts can you imagine getting

to the point remember when you used to get those things for christmas where it was like a bag of bath salts you know it was like a like a decorative item given to you by a like have you seen them it looks like a snowball yeah yeah it Yeah. You throw them in there and it's fuzzy. Right, and that's going to be like your eight ball is one of those things. Wow, they aren't regulated. That's the real problem. Meanwhile, they just made fucking 5-methoxy

dimethyltryptamine illegal. They made it super illegal now. You can't get it anywhere. If you have it, you're in trouble. That shit, you used to be able to buy it online. Tryptamine? Yeah, 5-methoxydimethyltryptamine, which is like the most potent form of DMT. Really? I used to be able to buy it online. Yeah, you could buy a jug of it

and just get blasted on it until the end of time. Oh my god. Now it's a Schedule 1? Yeah, now it's right there with marijuana. Hmm. Yeah, I used to be able to just buy it. It's weird. And then someone figured out, like, hey, you can get really high off this shit and you can just buy it online.

That's pretty silly. If you get caught with acid, you go to jail forever. Really? Not forever, but you get caught with anything like acid. Am I playing footsies? If you get caught with any kind of acid, anything where they think you're doing that, where you're making

your own drugs, that's even crazier than mushrooms or pot because you're what are you doing you're you're synthesizing a chemical specifically for the purpose of getting people fucked up like you're a you're a special case you're in a fucking you know you got like rubber gloves and shit and a lab coat on and you're in your bathtub and you're making enough acid to get like a whole state high you can make a you can make enough acid in your bathtub to you're making enough acid to get a whole state high. You can make enough acid in your bathtub to get a million people high. Imagine accidentally splashing it onto your arm. Oh my god!

It took me five years to make this acid because every time I would splash it, I would die for like two months. Listen, I met this girl a couple years ago and she told me that she has this friend who obviously went crazy and moved away to a different state but she got pulled over by the cops and had a whole vial of acid on her. Wow.

And she drank it. Oh, my God. What? And she tripped for like 60 days and fucking split town and has been a weirdo ever since. I never met the girl. Oh, my God. She drank it. Why wouldn't you just pour it on the ground?

Pour it on the carpet, right? Yeah. She's ridiculous. All of a sudden, her car just starts going, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom,? Yeah. She's ridiculous. All of a sudden, her car just starts going, car comes to life and becomes a transformer. Wow, I've heard stories about people. That's the number one drug that I've heard stories about people losing their shit on. Yeah.

Just breaking. You know, just, see ya. Broke it. Broke it. I think acid, any psychedelic, even DMT, I think I think acid any like any psychedelic even DMT I think if you do a certain amount of times you're probably not gonna be

the same as before I knew a dude who did it a hundred times and he totally became crazy really he just was doing DMT all the time to the point where

when he would do DMT the DMT entities would talk to him and go dude dude dude you gotta stop coming here just settle settle the fuck down you're killing our buzz man

the DMT when you have a DMT experience like a lot of it is marked by dude, you gotta stop coming here. Just settle the fuck down. You're killing our buzz, man. The DMT, when you have a DMT experience, a lot of it is marked by communication with whatever the fuck it is. It could be that you're communicating with some other part of your consciousness that you don't normally have access to, or it could be the great beyond, like this well of souls,

or it could be aliens in another dimension. You're communicating with something. Whatever it is is really just speculative. But this guy, when he would go over there, the DMT, whatever he was connecting to was going,

do, do, do, do, stop. Stop smoking DMT every day. This is crazy. That's funny when the DMT spirits are actually annoyed with you. Come on, dude. Yeah, right? You come here all the time.

What's that for? You're annoying. You fucking eat my food. You stinky feeder on my couch. Yeah. What the fuck, bro? Get it together. That's funny. Yeah. The fuck, bro. Get it together. That's funny.

Yeah. You know, man, until they figure out a way to let people do whatever the fuck they want with their bodies, do whatever the fuck you want, you're going to always have

a gang of different drug problems. Mm-hmm. What people are afraid of, though, is that when you start making everything legal, well, then, you know, well, kids could get a hold of it and everyone could get addicted. And that is definitely true.

You do run those problems. You do run a chance of there being a little bit of a spike once it becomes initially legal. But you're going to have to let people learn. You have to raise your kids and tell them to never do that shit. You have to be around other people that raise their kids and tell them, you know, don't do meth. It's going to kill you. Don't do heroin. It's bad for you. You could smoke pot. It's not going to hurt you. If you drink, let me know. I want to be there. I want to let you know. I want to make sure you don't drive home drunk. You know, like you can, people can navigate their way through a lot of different substances in this society if you just

allowed us to, you know, but as soon as you start making shit illegal and restricting the, you know, the access to a bunch of different things, people can't figure out what's good and what's bad. That's why there's a lot of people that think that mushrooms will fuck your mind up. Smoke pot, you're becoming a lazy piece of shit. Why? Because they don't have access to it. If everybody had access to it, especially

weed, if everybody had access to weed, we would all think of it the same way that stoners think of it. Stoners pretty much universally look at pot and say, well, it's very beneficial to me. It calms me down. It gives me perspective. It makes me silly.

And then there's the medical uses for it. I mean, it's like universal amongst the people that use it. Well, how come the other people don't share that opinion? Well, it's because they're not using it. It's really that simple. People that are anti-pot, it's possible that you have some weird reaction to pot, in which case I would say, hey, don't do it.

You don't have to do it. But I guarantee you, if you're not doing it and you're describing what it is, you don't know. Yeah. Or they have like a mom or a dad or brother that was like lazy as shit while they smoked weed. They're like, oh, no, everybody is like that. I totally witnessed that. And I'm like, no, it's not like that. Your brother is fucking lazy.

They don't see enough ambitious stoners out there. I know. People don't understand. ambitious stoners out there. I know. People don't understand. It will give you a different perspective and it might not necessarily be a better perspective, but it's good to look at things

a different way all the time. Every now and then, rather. You know, if you're looking at things the exact same way, you can get locked into sort of a mental pattern

where you think that things make sense, you know, and then you need like a good, good, really fucking, a good, real good bake session where you just completely float away you know when you and your friends are sitting around like me how many times have we had these conversations like especially like after

shows where we're just completely barbecued like eating dinner and we're all just like breaking down the universe or figuring out life or just having these these conversations where you almost connect can't get there on your own you know there, these conversations where you almost connect, can't get there on your own. You know, there's some conversations that you get to when you're high and be like, man, I don't think I can take responsibility for this conversation.

I don't think I ever would've gotten here if it wasn't high, you know? Absolutely. Of course, a lot of those conversations are not as cool as they would be. And they're just talking about how Fritos would be good in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. You know, no, I like sandwich. I like those talks.

Those really, really nice marijuana-driven talks. Because you can't get that when you're hammered. No, you don't get that. When you're hammered, it's more like, ah. A good stoner conversation. Not a dumb one, but a good one. Where everybody's kind of in that groove. Man, you can figure out a lot of shit in those conversations.

Did Nick Swartzen have a Jaguar? I don't know. They just put on TMZ that somebody stole his Jaguar last week outside the improv on a Friday night. Well, but it happens. Or he's just trolling TMZ. Do you think he would troll TMZ?

I don't see him having it. You can't say that you got your car stolen. They can find that out pretty easy. It's like a felony. Unless they're that lazy. Well, not a felony to tell TMZ a lie. Wouldn't the cops be behind it? No, not if you're just telling TMZ.

Oh, I guess if TMZ just could say whatever. Yeah. Yeah, you could say whatever the fuck you want to those cunts. The whole fucking Jim Norton over this weekend. I saw Jim Norton at Cap City Comedy Club when I was in Austin. I was down in Austin for the Fight for the Troops, and I had Friday off, so I went to Cap City. And Norton had some of the funniest fucking jokes on Tiger Woods.

Oh, my God. He was killing me. And Mel Gibson. He was fucking killing me, dude. Really, really funny shit. Did you hang out with him after? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went out to eat, and Club Soda Kenny was there. And Chris, Chris from the Fleshlight. Good joke. Yeah, really funny shit. Did you hang out with him after? Yeah, we went out to eat and Club Soda Kenny

was there and Chris from the Fleshlight. He's a good guy. It was so fun and refreshing. Right when I think that, I always start thinking that maybe I have too many dick jokes. Why is my sense of humor so juvenile? It's always like

someone's sucking dicks or some dick goes in there or you know whatever it just becomes a dick joke somewhere or another I mean time machine jokes become dick jokes

just I have a really juvenile sense of humor and I was like maybe there's a problem with that I know that's what I like but maybe I should expand let me try

and then I saw Norton and every other joke was a dick joke and I fucking howled all the way through like literally every other joke and we had a conversation about it I howled all the way through. Like, literally, every other joke. And we had a conversation about it.

I go, you gave me positive affirmation. Sometimes I worry that I have too many dick jokes. He goes, oh, I never think about that. I never think about that. He goes, that's what I think about. I'm a sick fucking person. He's funny, man. He was really funny.

It was refreshing. It's good to see, you know, when we work all the time, it's like I don't get to see a full headliner set. It's real rare that I get to see someone in a comedy club working and just be an audience member and sit down there. So it was cool, man. It was fucking I was howling. But here's a weird

thing, man. There was these two local comics that were watching, and the fucking he was killing, okay? Norton was fucking killing. And these two guys were watching like this. Hater. Dead faced. Just totally dead faced.

And I was like, wow, that's weird. Like, you don't think this is, like I was crying laughing, you know, at certain points.

I mean, just really well crafted jokes. Really funny. He had this bit about Tiger Woods, about, I don't, I don't want to do it. I don't want to fuck it up.

I don't want to paraphrase it. I don't want to ruin it. But I, I to fuck it up. I don't want to paraphrase it. I don't want to ruin it. But I was crying. I was fucking crying. And I looked over. These guys are stone-faced. Haters. Well, not that as haters.

Also, they're probably fascinated. Like, it's a big deal to be working with a big name. Jim Norton's a big-name national act. So then they get to work with him. And then they're judging their own performance against his and trying to think if they're better than there's so much jealousy with comedy especially but the the guys that are like i could do better than this person well there's a lot of guys that are just starting out or they've been doing it for a couple years that for some

reason they feel like your success like takes away from their success and they should have more success than they do right a very weird thing man to be a person that wants to be on stage with your voice amplified and a spotlight on you you got to be fucked up and i'm talking as one of them and i'm talking to two other ones you guys are both comics you know you both do stand up you know you got to be fucking crazy to want to do that and so a lot of these people they're like so desperate to even out their life they're so desperate to finally get some success it's so desperate to even out their life. They're so desperate to finally get some success. They're so desperate to put it all together and have the big picture in front of them and finally move on past this disaster

of a childhood that they want to claim ownership of their life. They get super hyper-ambitious. I've met people who are like, I hate stand-up. I just get up on stage because it's challenging for me, but I hate it every second of it. That's kind of strange. Who says that? Brian knows who says that.

You can't be good and say that. You have to suck. It's just period. Except Steve Martin. Steve Martin didn't like stand up in the end. It was too easy for him, apparently, and he was awesome. Let's get small. That's some fucking great shit.

I remember when The Jerk came out. Steve Martin was hilarious. Johnson, Navin, sounds like a typical bastard. It was fun shit, man. He was a funny, Navin, sounds like a typical bastard. Fun shit, man. He was a funny, funny comedian, man. But he just, it got too crazy. He was so big that everything he said got laughs and he lost perspective. He stopped doing it.

He was so good, he had to stop. I don't know, man. He was such a letdown for me because I was such a huge Steve Martin fan. What was the letdown? It was just, you know, that part like around Sergeant Bilko years where he just kind of lost the part

that was funny to me about him. It's like, I can't really tell what it is. I can tell you exactly what it is. Just age, I guess. It happens to all of them. It happens to almost everyone. It's very difficult to maintain a sense of humor, first of all, as your body starts to decay.

And second of all, as you have all these relationship problems, which they always do. You just have these fantastic weddings that turn into bitter divorces. Their spirits start dying. And then you wonder, well, this is it. I'm here already.

And now I'm 45 or something like that. And I'm a movie star. and I'm making all this money, and I don't even enjoy myself, and I don't even enjoy the product, and what is funny anymore? And when you're not doing stand-up, when you don't have that immediate, for me at least, I would not be confident

in whether or not what I think is funny. I know that I know how to make things funny. I know what things are funny and aren't funny because I do stand-up so much. So it's like you become immersed in the language of comedy. But when you're removed from that completely, removed from the idea or the act of creating the comedy and then producing and then putting it on stage

and then performing it and then honing it and then sharpening up the bits, and you learn things from that. Like, oh, that was way better when I did it this way because I got to it quicker and the people understood it better. You become immersed in the language of comedy. You stay good. You stay good. But when they stop doing comedy,

man, they stop writing comedy and they just sort of like just act in movies for a while. Like, you just, you might as well be living on Mars, motherfucker. You're not even living with people. You're walking around in a plastic bubble and people are getting you, you know, bagels and lox at the craft service table and you're pulling up in a Ferrari and complaining, you know, because there's a knock in it piece of shit you

know and you go in the set and you get makeup put on you you know they're fucking fitting a hair piece to you to make your hair look big and thick i mean that's what what kind of a weird world is that and then you're walking down the carpet and that's your interaction with humans your interaction with humans is on the set and people serving you and then your next project. It's always this weird relationship where you're a star and they're the underlings and they all need to keep you happy to keep their job. Everyone's super supportive

and you don't even know what the fuck is up and what's down. You're just drunk all the time, fucked up on pills. You don't even know. You lose yourself. That's the reason why so many of these guys become completely insane. That world, the idea of living like that,

you've got to be out of your fucking head. One of the most frustrating things ever when I first moved to Hollywood was just dealing with actors. Guys who'd done it their whole lives and guys who'd been involved in the business for just decades and just be dealing with them. You aren't even fucking real.

You're so odd and fake and everybody's fake and it's like, everybody accepts that everyone's fake. No one's calling anybody out on any of this and the behavior is so strange,

you know? Everybody's pompous. She does a lot of extra work and so she's always on sets with like, she was on set the other day with, what's that guy's name?

The rapper? LL Cool J. LL Cool J and stuff like that. Do you ever have any crazy stories of working with some of these people? Okay, this is funny. LL Cool J is walking around. I didn't know who it was.

Someone pointed it out. You don't know who LL Cool J is? I don't know what he looks like. I've only heard him. I never looked at his picture. What was the other thing that you didn't know that we were talking about? She doesn't know a lot of stuff,

which is kind of cool. You didn't know something yesterday that was really weird, though. Oh, you didn't know about the Howard Stern show. You didn't know who Robin was. There was Howard Stern and Robin. That, to me, is... She doesn't know a lot of things. Like, you go, do you know this TV show?

She's like, what Cosby show? That doesn't make sense. I would think that you would be able to... Most people would be able to name who Robin Quivers was and the Howard Stern. More people would know that than know who was president before Clinton. Yeah, but you know, nowadays, Howard Stern, she's 22. Still. She missed that big Howard Stern.

Really? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Okay, because he was on satellite radio when you were in high school. Right. Okay, that makes sense. You know. Right.

Wow, it still seems insane yeah so what about oh anyway go ahead hello cool j so you didn't know who l cool j is like a child i didn't know uh what l cool j looked like but someone pointed him out to me and he's going up all on set all around like the girls and he's like hey ladies how you doing rubbing their shoulders he's like yeah yeah you're looking good what you doing i'm not i'm looking at him do this and i'm like this guy is ridiculous he's walking around like he owns the place touching all these like young girls and they're like and i'm like you better not touch me i don't think you could use like your ll cool j credit just to be like hey ladies i just thought it was like kind of

the douchiest thing hmm but were you hating because he didn't come rub on you oh no what am i a psycho with the girls the girls not like it? No, the girls were into it. I'm just looking at it, and I'm like, that's so unreal. He's just walking around like, huh, huh, huh. But if they liked it, what's the problem? If they liked it and he liked doing it. Yeah, I don't know.

It's just odd. You thought that he was going to do it to you. That's why it was weird. No, it's just weird that he does it because he's LL Cool J. Because a regular guy who's not his status wouldn't walk around like, yeah, what's going on? But he is LL Cool J. Right. Yeah, but that's what she's saying. It's weird. But it's not. He's not a normal

person. He's walking out going, is he using that credit if the girls actually like it? That's where it gets tricky. If they actually like him doing that, is he using it? No, she's not even saying that. She's just saying it's weird seeing somebody act like that in general. I don't give a shit what they do. I totally agree with you, but if they like it, is it no no she's not even saying that she's just saying it's weird seeing somebody act like that in general i don't give a shit what they do right i totally agree with you but if they like it is it still weird like if if i saw that it would be weird yeah if i saw some

guy walking around going hey what's up baby oh give me a kiss but why would we judge this if if he's enjoying it and they're enjoying it you know what i'm saying it's one thing if he came up to you and you're like okay this is fucking I just came here to work alright I don't want to be weirded out by some cult of personality but that'd be me being like prissy then

no that's not you no no no that's not you being prissy you don't think so no I just thought it was someone should not violate your space

like if you know if that was like if you were there or you know you were dating a guy and he was right next to you and the uncle Jay did that

that would be disrespectful right yeah definitely of course right well that then it's disrespectful even if your boyfriend's not there you're not supposed to go up to someone and just start touching them yeah you know you gotta J did that, that would be disrespectful, right? Yeah, definitely. Of course, right? Well, then it's disrespectful even if your boyfriend's not there. You're not supposed to go up to someone and just start touching them.

Yeah. You know, he's got to know that you like him first or there's got to be some communication going, hey, can I rub your shoulders? You can't just go up and start rubbing people's shoulders.

But that's what he was doing. I know. And then they liked it. That's the problem. I guess that's who... That's like the Clinton move when Clinton would just pull his dick out on girls.

Did you know Clinton used to do that? No. Yeah, dude. He did it a bunch of times. It's just hilarious because it's like a frat boy move. Like, Clinton would just pull his dick out on girls. Did you know Clinton used to do that? Really? Yeah, dude. He did it a bunch of times. It's just hilarious because it's like a frat boy move. Clinton would be alone with chicks and just pull his dick out.

And people would go, how could he do that? I'll tell you how he could do that because it worked. It probably worked 80% of the time. It probably worked even more than that.

He's fucking Bill Clinton. I bet if he felt a thing, he felt the green light i'm gonna go for it i bet he whipped out his dick and like 80 of the time it was it was a home run but it was those the awkward 20 that would just it would just crash into the woods like he misread them or they just got so offended that he would do that that they just flipped over the other way you know whatever the fuck it is but he would rock that all the time That's what he would do Just pull his dick out What's your hatred of hot chicks? But hold on a second

I'm not finished there So that's like what LL Cools is doing He's doing a very mild version of pulling his dick out He's just going for it Yeah, I guess so So if you're with a guy, right? And you're really attracted to the guy And he pulls his dick out

And you just go for it I'd be like, what do you think I am? You think I'm a fucking animal? But what if you're really into him? and you really attracted the guy and he pulls his dick out and you just go for it. I'd be like, what do you think I am? You think I'm a fucking animal? But what if you're really into him? If you're really into the guy? It's possible, right?

If I was a chick and I was really into him, it was a perfect situation, the perfect circumstance, and the guy pulls his dick out and you gotta go, what the hell? I think there's a difference though if really liking LL Cool J

because he's a celebrity and liking his rap and then thinking, okay, now he has his dick out. Wait. Okay, we're not talking liking LL Cool J because he's you know a celebrity and liking his rap and then thinking okay now he has his dick out wait okay we're not talking about LL Cool J this is a different story we're mixing up our metaphors but I think I totally agree with you I would think it would be gross too but if they like it and he likes it then it's a match made in set heaven yeah well you know I, I bet a lot of girls that come on the show just to meet him.

You know, LL Cool J is a suck symbol, right? Is he? A lot of those freaky bitches that probably come on, sure, they probably act as extras just to meet LL. Yeah, maybe.

Oh, I can't believe he's right there. Oh, my goodness. It's probably mostly 40-year-old women, though, and 30-year-old women. Really? Yeah, I don't see

no young girls going, oh, my God, LL Cool J. Oh, you're crazy. He's a stud. He's a stud. Really? I don't know. He's kind of like a six-twoL Cool J. Oh, you're crazy. He's a stud. He's a stud. Really? I don't know. He's kind of like a six-two.

She's 22 years old right here. Built like a linebacker. I think she would probably. You might think girls think that that's sexy, but I'm like, I see a 45-year-old man who's probably married. I don't know. But he just looks like a man. He looks like a normal man.

He's not sexy. Okay, LL Cool J is sexy. If I was a chick, I would find him very sexy He's built He's got fucking workout books Where he's on the cover completely shredded You're hating My LL Cool J theory is starting to become correct What is the LL Cool J theory?

I don't know this is the second time we've talked about LL Cool J And then you've defended his honor So I'm thinking that you're in love with LL think well I probably wouldn't want to hang out with the dude but I defend his right to be cocky he's LL Cool J he pulled it off you know plus he's a rapper rappers have to be cocky that's part of the sport yeah I don't know if it's just me it's attractive to know a guy is physically fit and has like physical fitness but it's not like hot all because they're like muscular built that's all that's all you everybody's. I think everybody is different. I was talking to him last night. There's a lot of girls

like fat chicks, like big, big fat ones. We have friends. This one fan, he's not happy unless a girl's just 30, 40 pounds overweight. He likes it. He likes them jiggly and barely hanging into their clothes. For whatever reason, that turns him on. And he's a skinny guy. Just to stay.

I think it's the smell that they give off to certain people. Like fucking... Like food, right? Like pheromones. Right. It smells like a difference between sweaty butt and thigh mixed with... Old hamburgers.

That turns people on? You know what I think it is? Honestly, I think it's your first sexual experience. You have a really hot sexual experience with a fat girl and your brain becomes imprinted to sexuality being attracted, you know. Maybe that happens

to some people. That is kind of interesting. That means I would like brown haired girls with big boobs. Brown haired girls with big boobs. Yeah.

That was your first? Yeah. Tell us more. Do you get that? Do you have like a specific type no i don't not at all not at all um not crazy pretty much is what i look for nowadays not crazy and uh not crazy yeah what percentage of girls that you've dated have been crazy most of them 90 yeah hmm interesting what do you think girls are crazy, Allison?

You're around a lot of chicks. Do you think the majority of your friends are to blame and that they're like the crazy person? A lot of the girls I'm friends with, they'll be like, so I have an issue with my boyfriend, but I think I'm just not going to tell him and see if it will go away without me telling him. But I'm going to act mad at him next time I see him. So here's the question. Why would you do that? Here's the question.

When you're around a bunch of people and you keep having relationships like this over and over and over again with crazy people you have all these problems. How do you stop that? How do you reset and how do you somehow or another move forward without all this bullshit in your life? How do you do that?

I try to like most of my crazy ass bitches I try to remain friends with them and have some kind of cool level with them where i uh it makes yourself kind of heal that way to think okay this person's fucking crazy but i could still be friends with this crazy bitch you know right but i'm saying how do you move forward in your own life and stop this from happening stop this pattern from appearing oh how do i stop dating crazy bitches? Become gay, obviously. Start sucking dick. LL Cool J, look me up. Where you at? Where you at, girl?

That was a sad, sad, sad answer. I think the true answer is you don't have an answer. No, no, I really don't have an answer. I mean, how do you have an answer for that? You can't. It happens. I mean, look at Allison Psycho McEyes over there. She's about to snap.

Look at her. Are you about to snap? Some of those uncomfortable moments in the drunk cast, especially the first one, when you guys were hanging on each other, I'm like, wow, do you really want this out there, man? Why? You guys are so silly.

It felt like dirty. I was like a voyeur. You know, not just a voyeur, but like I was watching two people in a living room hanging out, and they were drunk and they were being silly together. Like, I shouldn't be here.

That's great. Well, did you have pants on? No, I never have pants on. Well, that's probably what the main reason was.

You shouldn't be watching us. I walk around naked like a caveman, bro. One of my good friends I grew up with, I've known him since we were like 10. He says he was watching it

and he's like, honestly, I got like kind of uncomfortable feeling as I was watching it. Yeah, a lot of people actually said this yeah you know why because he wants to fuck you that's what's up what me dude oh that dude yeah he got uncomfortable you know why he got uncomfortable because it was me it's just i'm not the guy i was when i was younger and you don't know you don't know me i'm just like i thought you were gay you thought he was gay i did when we were kids, but he has a girlfriend.

He does have a thing for you, huh? He said it once. I was like, get the fuck out of my room. Really? What happened? I'm all high and I'm trying to go to bed. He was living with me. He was your roommate? Yeah, because his parents kicked him out of the house.

Did you ever find loads in your shoes or anything like that? Is that what that was Shit No he comes in my room And he's like Hey Allison Sit in my little chair Like this next to my bed And I'm like

Hey what's going on And he's like So I've been thinking Like if we weren't Such good friends I would fuck you And I was like Get the fuck out of my room

Whoa Yeah And that's it We never brought it back up I brought it back up Like a couple weeks later And I was like You wanna fuck me And he's like No I don brought it back up. I brought it back up like a couple weeks later and I was like, you want to fuck me?

And then he's like, no, I don't. And I'm like, yeah, we're making fun of them saying you want to fuck me. Oh, what a friend. That's awesome. What a confidence booster. Awesome having you around. Surprised you didn't jump out of a fucking window. And I'll never get it.

Wow. Well, you know, how old was he at the time? We were 19. Yeah. When you're 19, you don't know what the fuck you're saying. I think that was last year. No, 18, 19. Three years ago, man.

Yeah. Many months. Yeah. Okay, bro. 30 fucking months or so. Two and a half years. 1,700 days. Yeah.

Not that much, really, when you think about it. Two and a half years ago, you were the same guy. So was I. When you were like 22, though, it's a different fucking world. If you knew me at 22, you'd be so scared of me. Or two and a half years before that, right? Yeah. Were you knew me in 22, you'd be so scared of me. Or two and a half years before that, right? Yeah. Were you crazy back then?

I was crazier when I was a hippie probably just because I was fucked up all the time. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier when we were talking about Jersey Shore.

Could you imagine if you had a video, cameras following you around back when you were at that stage? No. You would come off so douchey. Yeah.

Oh my God. So gross. Even when I was 18, I used to think I was invincible. I went through that whole stage you around back when you were at that stage no you would come off so douchey yeah oh my god so gross even when i was 18 i used to like think i was invincible i went through that whole stage where i'm like yeah i don't need to wear my seatbelt all that other bullshit you don't want to get a motorcycle kind of yeah and then you you get out of that stage and you're like what was i doing have you never been hurt before i have i got hurt a bunch of times as a kid so i never had that feeling i broke my arm when i was six. I snapped my forearm in two where it was hanging off. It was fucking creepy. There was a big dent in the middle of my forearm, and my hand was hanging, folded.

It's traumatizing. Yeah, it was really bad. It was a bad break. They didn't have to put plates in it, though. They just set it somehow or another. You should hear this car accident she was in, man. Really? You want to talk about that?

Mm-hmm. About her boyfriend and her wearing a top. How old were you? I was 15. Seatbelt or no seatbelt? Seatbelt. Okay. And I was in the back seat, got my best friend, the girl who actually said I wasn't a woman

of God. She went crazy from this, what happened. Really? From this? From this accident. Well, you could have included that when you were telling us how nutty she was. No, it's good because I can relate it. Oh, okay, okay.

So she's sitting on my right or whatever, my left. My boyfriend at the time was on my right. There's a guy driving and we're going down the road and we're going to go to this haunted house. So he makes like a U-turn and winds up hydroplaning and we hit a tree going like 55 miles an hour. Oh, God. And I wake up covered in blood. Oh. Everyone had to pretty much get cut out of the car and my boyfriend was pronounced dead but he lived but was in a coma for two months

and had brain surgery all because my cheekbone hit his temple and it's like severed an artery and his brain got pushed over to the side and the other kid was pronounced dead but lived but he's like kind of brain damaged he's okay now though and then uh my best friend who obviously was okay next to me but she got a concussion and after that she was like i'm a woman of god oh really so i yeah the next day i'm i'm in the hospital and the guy comes in and he goes allison i want to be here if it wasn't bad news but one of the guys aren't gonna make it through the night and i was like oh great and it was my boyfriend and i's um like 11th month anniversary that day, so it was really fucked up.

And then I go to the hospital finally to go see him, and they were reading him his last rites because they were going to loan his organs out. Wow. But he lived, and he was kind of slow for a while. But now he's totally fine. He's not the same person before the accident, but he's still a person. Well not the same person before the accident but well

he has a big indent of your face on his face yeah he has this big like scar all the way to here and all because like my cheekbone was just like smash god damn yeah that was nuts but hydroplaning is scary as fuck man those old shitty cars my first car was a 68 442 not my first car my first car was a 73 chevelle but my first car that was like worth more than ten dollars was a 68442 not my first car my first car was a 73 Chevelle but my first car that was worth more than $10 was a 68442 it was an old hot rod and it had a 400 cubic inch engine

and it was way too much power for a retard like me when I was like 16 maybe 17 at the time and I hydroplaned right in front of my school I had bald tires the tires just weren't that good. There was a lot of water on the ground. The car slid sideways and slammed into a telephone pole and a tree.

Broke the car in half. What happened to you? Nothing. Nothing. It was fine. The crazy thing is, me and the two dudes I was driving with were fine. We weren't going that fast. It was just a shitty car.

It was fucking old. If you hit the tree like that with a new car it's just fucking old you know and it it you know if you hit the tree like that with a new car today it wouldn't do nearly as much damage but that car just broke in half it was just kind of old and the frame wasn't good i guess but i hit it pretty good i mean i hit it pretty decent but i wasn't even going that fast man it was just just those old cars they just they have no control of them. They suck, man. The brakes sucked. Oh, remember how long it used to take? Oh, my God. I had a Skylark, a 1970 Skylark, and you would have to be really careful with the brakes.

You'd have to be really careful with stopping. Stop way earlier than you think because you'd be like, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, you fuck, come on, come on, come on. Every time you stop, it was like an ordeal, you know? Then you, like, have a new car today, man, with disc brakes, ABS and shit. Yeah. Technology, brother. Technology.

Someday they're going to be making fun of people for driving around. They're going to be like, you remember when people had to, like, get in their car and drive places? When people had to wake up and go outside? No, when you teleport, bro. You're going to be able to teleport. You're going wake up and go outside. No, teleport, bro. You're going to be able to teleport. You're going to be able to move. Like the mailman.

When is that going to go out of business? That's very soon. That's like five years, I would say. I still send things and buy things and get things ordered by mail. I have to send checks in and stuff. Soon. It's going to be so unpractical soon. Well, the problem is when you have no paper,

you have no fucking, you know, it's like things are getting weirder and weirder. At one point in time, money used to represent gold, right? It used to represent this $100 bill is worth $100 worth of gold. Well, it doesn't really mean that anymore. Now it's like you just have confidence that this $100 is worth $100. And what happens if it's all just numbers? Like if you don't even have paper, you're constantly looking at computer screens. Those screens are telling you what your numbers are and where are these numbers located? Are they somewhere? If you don't even have paper, you're constantly looking at computer screens.

Those screens are telling you what your numbers are and where are these numbers located. Are they somewhere? Are they even fucking real? And then the economy becomes so transparent and so elusive and then it becomes too fucking strange. I think we need some physical form. We need money. We need paper money. We still need that shit.

We need something to just cling us to the idea that money is a real thing. When it all just becomes zeros and ones and zeros, and then people just start jacking each other for their ones and zeros and adding ones and zeros where they don't belong. It's not good, man. It's like all this shit that's going down, all the money that goes to Iraq and Afghanistan and how much of it's missing. Like all the Halliburton scams and scandals. I heard about that. It's like all the shit that's going down and all the money that goes to Iraq and Afghanistan and how much of it's missing. Like all the Halliburton scams and scandals. I heard about that.

It's fucking billions. Billions of dollars. Missing? Yeah, they don't know where it is. They're hiding it there? You can't find it. You did something. And lately, the U2, Bono's organization, Red.

Do you know about all this? Mm-mm. It's supposed to be for AIDS in Africa. Oh, right, right, right. Well, 66% of the money is stolen. What? They don't know where the fuck it went people are stealing from Bono's helping AIDS organization

people just suck do you think the stealing is going on over there or around here that's a good question I don't think they've isolated it yet could have easily been going on in Africa I mean how can you put it past Africa one for you one for me. That documentary of Liberia,

how they had to get out of there because they heard that the guys had money. So the guys who were filming it had to get out. Were you talking about the Vice Guide to Liberia? Yeah.

We talk about that on the podcast almost every week. Really? Because it's so fucking crazy. If you have not seen it, folks, please get it. You said it's on Netflix, right?

Yeah. Netflix streaming. Yeah. How did we get into This conversation We're talking about Project Red Oh the scam You know

The billions of dollars Missing This U2's guy Bono's fucking organization And then the Halliburton shit How much money's missing there If Halliburton was like

One guy They would never be able To get away with that You know it was one person It's like Where's like You're missing billions. Where is it? I don't know.

It's gone. Because it's a corporation, you could be missing billions. The weird thing is, they get to vote like a person. They get to use money like a person and make donations like a person. One of the most recent

findings or Supreme Court rulings was that corporations had the same rights as an individual so they could donate money like an individual can donate like whatever you want which is ridiculous so vermont is uh the first state to step up and deny that vermont is the first state they recently uh announced that they are not going to uh allow corporations to behave as a human being. And that they're going to judge them in a different way. So it's kind of interesting. It's interesting that one state finally has the balls to step up. Vermont is a weird state.

It's always been real kind of hippie. Kind of like Ben and Jerry's, Grateful Dead-ish. There's not that many people up there. Isn't that where that Bob Dole guy came from? Not Bob Dole, the other guy. The guy that was running for president. John Kerry? No, no, no. The guy was running for president and then he screamed too much

and they fucking cunt. You don't know his name. I'm trying to search. I'm like searching my brain. Nothing. I don't remember his name. God damn it. He was a really articulate guy. I'm sure someone on Twitter will tell me god damn it he was a really uh articulate guy i'm sure someone on twitter will tell me almost immediately he was a really articulate guy but uh for whatever

reason he did this uh one speech where uh while he was doing a speech fucking homeboy started yelling just to like it was just like he excited then we're gonna you know then we're gonna take over new york and they're gonna take over cal York and then we're going to take over California. It was like at a rally and he didn't realize that the microphone, when you think you're screaming and yelling and you think that the sound of the crowd is like you're at the same level of the sound of the crowd

so you can't even hear your own voice. Well, the microphone is right in front of his face. The microphone is only picking him up. So it sounded like extra completely crazy. Someone will tell me on the message board, please. Because I know you fuckers know whose name is only picking him up. So it sounded like extra completely crazy. All right, someone will tell me on the message board, please. Because I know you fuckers

know who his name is. 66% of Bono's money. Howard Dean. Thank you, sir. Mr. Denizen. He came up with it. That's the dude's name. Howard Dean.

I believe he was the governor of Vermont. So it's a freaky little fucking state. But they stepped up and said the corporations aren't people. You fuckheads. Will that help? No. Not unless you move

to Vermont. Do you want to move to Vermont? No. Yeah, Vermont? No. My friend Shane lived in that and there was points where it was snowing so bad that he had to drive through tunnels. You know? He was stuck at his house for weeks at times. Oh yeah, that's normal. Vermont's no joke. you can't be traveling on the road as much as we do

and live in vermont so that's out right um there was one other thing i want to talk about before we get out of here but i don't remember what it is um got anything brian um yeah did you guys hear yeah i think i already told you but Flavor Flav has a new chicken he's selling chicken now and it's hilarious it's called Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken I want it

and it's in I believe Iowa and if you you gotta Google it Google search that and just look at the advertising for it one it doesn't even look like Flavor Flav Flavor Flav's

fried chicken. Why Iowa? It's just him mixed with chicken wings. There's a lot of people who love chicken in Iowa. Hilarious. I guess so. Hilarious stuff. Flavor Flav is one of those dudes that's just always going to kind of be around. Yeah. You know? Yeah. You don't hear about Chuck D anymore. You never hear about Professor Griff.

You don't hear about other members. Yeah. You know? Terminator members Yeah You know Terminator X Where's Terminator X bro I don't know I don't know But Flava Flav Did you watch the Flava Flav show

Where they were trying To get him a girlfriend Yes And the one girl Who shit on the stairs Yes That was so fucking hilarious You didn't see that

I didn't see that part Brian Yeah What happened She passed out And she shitted on the stairs Or something like that Something like that.

Somewhere or other she shit and it wound up on stairs. Yeah, what the fuck was that? I think she was walking up the stairs and she shit her pants. Or poop, yeah, poop fell out on the stairs. How long did he keep her on the show? Oh, I don't know, but I mean, come on. What kind of human is just shitting themselves? Yeah, that's funny.

Walking around dropping logs out of their pants. I want to wish, hope that's completely real too. Oh, it's real. And that's not like some like stone director, like dude, just put a little poop coming out. He had all the girls make chicken and see what make the best chicken. And then he,

this one lady served him and he's like, are you serious? This isn't even cooked. I can't believe you'd serve this cause she fucked it up. Well, that's unfortunate. Kicked her off. Some people aren't that good at making chicken.

Guess not. The reality shows don't have to make things up, man. Those shows, they don't have to. Shows like Jersey Shore, you don't have to. There's enough craziness out there. Teen moms, you don't have to. You don't have to make something up. It's like I auditioned for that WWE

Divas thing and then I didn't really know what it was all about. You did? I did. When was this? Last week. Whoa. To be in last week whoa to be in the house um she was like house oh it's a show yeah i guess like you get in the house and then you do all these like competitive type things where you battle for like a wwe diva where you do like interviews and fights sometimes right the girl was like you're almost perfect for this spot and i was like sweet and then i was thinking about it and i'm like oh it's gonna be six weeks

of filming and they're gonna it's gonna be a crazy reality show probably if it did work out. Right. So what does that mean? I would never want to be in a house for six weeks. I would never do those reality show houses. Yeah, but when you're 22, what the fuck? I like taking opportunities that sound like kind of crazy. So I actually would probably might do it.

So you're going to do it? It'd be fun. You're going to be a pro wrestler? Yeah. You know what? Someday when you're a big name pro wrestler and you're on TV and you're battling, we'll say we called it here first when you're like a like an interviewer and then you get drawn into the fight right that's what's gonna happen right that's what they want yeah

i think i think it's a good move i would say do it i think it sounds flex flex your what my neck why am i doing no you're you're how you can flex your oh you wouldn't be able to see in this shirt what you flex your boobs my pec muscles oh okay it's creepy she just raises each one is she getting you to work out because you guys are Oh, you wouldn't be able to see it in this shirt. What, you flex your boobs? My pec muscles. Oh, okay. It's creepy. She just raises Z to one. Is she getting you to work out? Because you guys are hanging out?

You're going to get a gym pass. Huh? I can physically train you. Whoa. She's a physical trainer. Powerful alpha male. Female. What?

No, I wouldn't. We could just run together. No. No? Not into it? No. You don't care about shape. Shit.

You're happy with your shape. Fuck yeah. You're happy with your cigarettes and everything. Fuck yeah. You don't need to change. Don't ever change. Don't change. West Palm Beach this weekend, you dirty, dirty bitches. Thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring the show.

If you go to JoeRogan.net, again, click the link, type in Rogan. It's all explained for you. You get 15% off. Thank you, Allison. If you guys want to follow Allison on Twitter it's Allison rocks R O X and there's two L's in Allison I didn't know that

thanks so much for having me on the show thanks for being on it was fun and Red Band is R E D B A N and you probably know mine is just my name

who the fuck are you I don't know I don't know who I am I don't think you know who you are either I think you're frontin alright we will be back most likely tomorrow I always say that and sometimes we don't have a show. I think you're frontin'. All right, we will be back most likely tomorrow.

I always say that, and sometimes we don't have a show, but I think we're going to put one together tomorrow. You motherfuckers. All right, so this weekend, West Palm Beach Improv, 28th, 29th, and 30th with Ari Shafir. Next weekend, the big, fat, fucked-up show in Vegas. Friday, February 4th, Mandalay Bay Theater. Joe Diaz, Ari Shafir, and me.

It's a big fucking place, but tickets are selling fast, so if you want to get that shit, Sean, go online at joerogan.net. There's a link for that too. All right. Love you guys. See you soon.

Bye. Later.