The Joe Rogan Experience - #744 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: January 6, 2016

Tom Segura is a stand-up comedian, and hosts his own podcast with his wife, Christina Pazsitzky called "Your Mom's House" available on Spotify. His new special "Mostly Stories" debuts on Netflix on January 8, 2016. http://www.tomsegura.com http://podcasts.joerogan.net

Young Jamie fixed this fucking mess we have here Electronics fail folks. They do they just do sometimes they just go bad on you. They just that's why people like mechanical shit like cars with a clutch And they fail too they fail too. He did three boards three boys young Jamie had a fire through a bunch of shit We have laying around Luckily we almost have enough if you're listening to this you like this is in mono. It's not even in stereo. Is it there fine? It's just like mine now. I'm gonna sound like shit. Well, you're in like one ear Oh, that's why that's what I can only get us to one from what I

Got you sound to the regular people. I'll fix it later. I think it should be just fine But for right now, it's gonna be left here Well, if anybody's listening to youtube on headphones that means you're probably at work and you're fucking off so that's what happens you're definitely not working do you know how many people listen to podcasts while they're working and don't really work do you know how many people uh message me about how they're doing something pretty dangerous and they're doing they're like i'm doing for doing, they're like, ah, I'm doing forklifts and moving shit around, but I'm

laughing listening to podcasts. That's really comforting, man. But at least they're, well, if you work a forklift, do you really need to listen to people? No, I guess not. Have those headsets on and have a good laugh. I think a lot of them say they have policies where someone will tell them, hey, one ear

free, you know so so that you can hear someone screaming my legs under this thing right now you know that kind of shit isn't that the rule when you're driving like you're not allowed to have like full headsets you're not supposed to yeah but you can have one in i guess you can you can yeah you can drive i don't know legally i'm guessing what am i a lawyer yeah you'd be a great lawyer thank you i would i would fucking argue to the end i think if you became a lawyer and you were arguing all the time you'd probably a nightmare to be around because you're probably always trying to win well for sure yeah yeah that's what they do right that's what they do find their way out of technicalities what if

you're a shrink too and you're you know every know, every, every conversation you get in, are you psychoanalyzing everybody? Probably. Right. Yes, for sure. That's got to wear on you other people for a while. Like, will you knock it the fuck off?

Yeah. Well, when I was in college, that was the area. I'm never really applied myself at college at all. But the one thing that I was thinking of, like, if I had a job, like what,

what are things that I'm interested in? Psychology did come up because i'd read a lot of like self-help books and psychology books while i was fighting to try to like manage my mind and anxiety and shit like that but then i thought about i'd be like you just be dealing with people with problems all the time and you don't i don't necessarily want that i don't i don't, I don't necessarily want that. I don't, I don't think that's a good idea. Problems make your dicks off. That's why. Is that it?

Yeah. You know, when someone tells you their problems, I always feel like if you tell me your problems, you're making my dicks off. Problems make your dicks off? I've never heard that expression before.

Well, I always felt like that when I was dating, you know, it's like you go out with a girl, she starts telling you your problems. You're like, man, you're making my dicks off right now. Depends on what the problems are.

The problems are, my ex-boyfriend, he just never wanted to eat my pussy. I don't know why. Oh, that's a good problem. That's a problem that makes you dick hard. Baby, we got solutions. We got solutions for this. Problems. Problems make my dicks hard.

I've never heard that before. Thank you. But now. I've never heard that before. Thank you. But now. That's an original right there. Problems make my dick soft. You should make a song. I've written a few lyrics about it. I really have.

Was it rap or singing? The way that I had it written out is that it's one of those songs that starts with banter between like the piano player and the guy on the mic and he's like you know hey Joe how'd it go last night man you know she came over but you know you did nothing I hate listen I hate more than problems right oh yeah man then you hear a little twinkle of the piano your problems make my dick soft, dick soft. That could actually be a funny song. I think so. Yeah, definitely.

Yeah, you just need to team up with somebody. Yeah, well, that's a sure sign that someone is not really into turning you on. Yes. Like, they get together with you and they just start whining and complaining when you're trying to get your freak on. Especially if it's early on and you're wondering. You're like, I don't know where we stand. And they start, if it's a girl that's downloading the problems on you, she's not interested in that dick at all.

Or she's just so into herself that you just got to get out of there anyway. Yeah. She's time to bail. Yeah, because when you tell someone about your problems, aren't you thinking while you're telling them like, I don't want to fucking burden this guy with my problems? Right. Yes. So when someone doesn't think like that they're very self-obsessed yeah they're just thinking about themselves that's true and i told her i was like fuck you you're fucking you're only my boss because you're fucking yeah yeah yeah and you're like like i made a souffle what's up up? Especially work problems when people start talking about work bullshit Like you're not even there you have that when you go on a you know double date your wife

And then they start telling you about Sarah and accounting or something and you dude double dates can be fucking brutal Yeah, especially the ones my wife wants to set up come on. They be really fun brutal and especially the ones my wife wants to set up come on it'd be really fun they don't realize you're you're conditioned pretty much fully to interesting people you're you know you host a podcast so you have guests on you have a lot of interesting people you're friends with comedians so you have funny insightful people all the time like tom segura fucking right here and then and then you have uh you know then you're in the the fight world and you have you know people things people

talking about things that interest you yes and if you go on a double date with someone who doesn't check off any of those things it can be real fucking downer some people just don't know how to tell a fucking story either yeah oh my god we went on this one double date and this dude started telling me this story about his son and his son's basketball game and i swear to god there was fucking no point there was nothing yeah there was nothing there was nothing there you know he usually gets a few minutes and then the the coach apparently wanted him to do this, but he wanted to do that. And so he's not getting enough time on the court. And it's droning on and on and on and on and on. And the guy is just no sense of someone listening. There's no sense.

There's no interaction. It's just like he's decided that he has a story that he likes to tell, and he's going to go on with the story. And he's using his hands, and he's decided that he has a story that he likes to tell, and he's going to go on with this story. And he's using his hands, and he's bending his head forward. He's got all this crazy movement, and there's nothing there. Probably because that story works in his dad circle, you know, with his other dad friends that are dads on that team. And then, you know, they have kids on that team, and he tells them,

can you believe when the coach and the other dads are like, I saw the same thing. I mean, he usually scores. So he leaves that going. That's a good story. I'm going to tell Joe that one. They don't care. They just wait for their time to talk. Some people, they talk, and then you talk, and then they talk, and everyone they know is boring, and they just can't wait to go to sleep.

And that's their life? Yeah, they fucking take sleeping pills. Do you know how many people I've run into that fucking take sleeping pills every night? No. A lot. Really? It's one of the things that I do. One of the things that I do, I ask, you know, I did this bit on Ari Shaffir's show about a house fire or a fire in a hotel that I was in with Tom Segura.

That's right. That's right. And Joey Diaz. Remember that? Yeah. Get the best part about it. They tell us not to take the elevator. We get stuck in the stairway.

The whole point of the story is I was ready to fucking stampede these people because they were slowly walking down the stairs. And we got outside and we were looking for Joey. We were panicking. Joey comes outside and I go, where were you? He goes, I took the elevator like a doctor. He was smoking a joint. He's outside already smoking a joint.

He's the greatest. But I realized while I was doing this that some of these people were literally waking up while they were walking. And then I started thinking, how many of these fucks are on sleeping pills? Because I knew Kevin James. Kevin James would take sleeping pills and he would do shit. Like he made dinner once and he just didn't want to admit that he made dinner. I think he went to the store and bought a turkey or something crazy like that and cooked it. And got up in the morning and didn't want to admit he did it.

He was like, I didn't fucking do that. Because he didn't remember it. Didn't remember it at all. Because it warped him that much? They don't remember shit. They just do things that they don't remember. I've actually never taken one. They're scary dude. They scare the shit out of me. When I'm not tired. I stay awake. I'm crazy. That's crazy I'm fucking crazy. Yeah, if I'm not tired. I just get up and do shit. I'm crazy Now can you do you sleep well when you like a brick you know what I do if I'm tired or if I want to Get tired I jerk off. Yeah, I go out like a brick you know what i do if i'm tired or if i want to get tired i jerk off yeah i go out like a baby yeah almost instantly especially high you've heard oh

sometimes you get paranoid they're right in the middle of jerking off oh no when is it gonna what if tonight's the night that i never wake up mm-hmm got those So I started getting into pain sleeping pills. Like, I started asking. And people I work with at the UFC, fucking tons of them. Tons of them take sleeping pills every night. Tons of them. And I'm like, what the fuck, man? Every night?

Yeah, I can't sleep without them. Oh, my God. But that's not good. Don't get started. That seems like the key to that. Yes. You don't get good sleep on that. I don't think you get real sleep.

I heard a doctor talk about that one time, that you're not actually getting the benefit of real sleep on that. That you're shutting something down, but you're not actually dipping into real REM sleep and getting all the benefits to your brain. You're almost like getting your brain. Yeah. You're almost like getting knocked out. Yes. Unconscious, right? Like when you get fucked up. Like Michael Jackson.

Yeah. I mean, he went as deep as you get. He was taking that fucking stuff that they use to put people under anesthesia. He was getting anesthetized. Yeah. Can you imagine that every night? A doctor is administering that. Oh, through a mask.

Hey, are we removing your gallbladder? No, I just want to take a nap. So I just... I just like to sleep. Well, he was probably so fucked up. You know, I saw Dick Gregory talking about him. And it was really interesting. Dick Gregory was getting interviewed by this guy. And the guy was talking to him about Michael Jackson.

And Dick Gregory just started going off. And he started screaming. He never had a fucking childhood. Do you understand me? He never had a fucking childhood. He never bounced a ball and he's just started going off because I guess he knew Michael Jackson. I'm just saying like he missed that part of his childhood.

Like the whole Neverland thing and hanging out with children. A big part of that was just that he never had a childhood. I think that makes sense. It does make sense. I don't know if he ever did anything to anybody. I don't know because I wasn't there, obviously. But I think a lot of the people that he's hanging around with, those little kids, their parents realize like this is a fucking golden ticket.

Even if he never did anything. Mm-hmm. They realized, like, this is a guy. My kids spend the night over this fucking crazy multi, multi, multimillionaire's house. Mm-hmm. Who has a fucking backyard filled with amusement park rides and toys in his house. And monkeys and zebras and shit. Guys, if he's not a pedophile.

Yeah. You know, like, there's something going on. Fuck it, let's sue this guy. Fuck it. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah, he's a sad, it's a sad story when you think about, I mean, it's pretty well documented that it wasn't very pleasant to be a Joe Jackson kid.

No, no. That had to be a fucking disaster. Yeah. That had to be a goddamn nightmare. Yeah. And then, you know. He seemed like a crazy guy. That had to be a fucking disaster. Yeah. That had to be a goddamn nightmare. Yeah. He seemed like a crazy guy. That's how you get good. Having a dad make you do that dance one more time, I guess, but it's pretty.

Is that the only way? I wonder. I don't think so. That's probably the only way to get that good. I do think with athletes, you know, I've read a lot of stories about how dads affect certain athletes. Some of them, but there's the other side of it that some of them just have that focus and that desire themselves. And some of them say, the only way you get this good and this competitive, it's in you. You got to be the one that wakes up and goes on the run and trains, and that's how you get it.

But the flip side of that is the dad, you know, the overbearing dad that I'm going to make you a champion. Yeah, but a lot of times those overbearing dads, the kid winds up rebelling. Sure. They wind up just abandoning that dad, and they never want to have anything to do with him. Sure. Todd Marinovich and Marv Marinovich. You know that whole story? Oh, yeah, yeah. His dad, Marv Marinovich, was this legendary strength and conditioning coach.

He's a guy who worked with BJ Penn when BJ Penn was in his prime. And he just has these crazy, really revolutionary ideas when it comes to strength and conditioning. And he had his son on this just insane organic diet. And I don't think he was even feeding him meat when he was young. Probably not the best he did. And it was at home. So it was a, this was 24-7.

Yeah. It was, you're going to, it's not like here's a meal plan. Hope you stick to it. I'm stretching him as a baby. So crazy. Working on his flexibility. Now, he did make Todd pretty fucking insanely good. I mean, Todd was a hell of a quarterback for a minute.

But he also was freaking out and went to drugs, I think, as a release for how overbearing dad could be. Yeah, he blew a fuse. There's a really interesting documentary. I think it's one of those ESPN ones. It is. 30 for 30. Yeah, I watched it and I was like, wow. Yeah. What a weird life having a really interesting documentary i think it's one of those espn ones it is 30 for 30 yeah i watched it and i was like wow yeah what a what a weird life having a dad like then he became like a painter he's like an artist now todd is now yeah that's interesting he could have been world-class nfl quarterback yeah yeah yeah but i think the only thing that

really derailed that was probably the drugs right probably yeah Probably. Yeah. Well, also desire. I guess he just didn't want to do that. Yeah. That desire thing, like you have to have it in you. They say that. Some people do have it in them and some people don't. And so when you look at someone that became successful, it's so hard to figure out like what was it that drove that guy to be so obsessed that he had to be, you know, the best baseball player, the best basketball player? Like, was it, was it his upbringing? Did he have,

I mean, with everybody, there's a different story. Some people, they had, they had to prove something. Like maybe they were born, uh, you know, single mom, didn't have a father, always angry. They want to prove to the world. There's a lot of prove-to-dads. Jerry West, his story, he's the guy that's the logo of the NBA, the outline of the player playing. It was Jerry West, and he had a really abusive dad. And he even said in an interview he didn't think he would be as driven, as good, and be a great player if he hadn't had basically a shitty dad.

Wow. Yeah. So there is a lot of that. Or the Herschel Walker story, did you see his? been as good and be a great player if he hadn't had basically a shitty dad wow yeah so there's there is a lot of that or the herschel walker story you see his what was his story his story was it wasn't anything about that his parents he had a good relationship with his was getting bullied you know he was teased and bullied who the fuck could bully that guy i guess eight nine ten years old you know we're talking that yeah yes but he was getting pushed around he was chubby and then it was lord it was that focus though of i'm not gonna get pushed around anymore i'm not i'm not gonna get bullied they started running and doing those insane claims at least of push-ups and sit-ups and then he just you know also had genetics he was a freak

fucking athlete he's still a freak he is still a freak back then and the thing about herschel walker is he allegedly never lifted weights yeah that was a big thing um i don't know if that's true man i don't know if it's true either because a lot of people said they like i saw him lift weights like people yeah i was with him in the fucking weight room like when you talk to strength and conditioning coaches they're like there's muscles on that guy that you really don't develop unless you're picking up heavy shit sure but i don't know if that's the truth his push-up claims are 5 000 a day for back then so that's a little also you know i'm a big herschel fan

but that's a lot of fucking push-ups i could do that i could do that i could do that easy he was he was like i was doing it between every commercial you know watching shows i'll just hit the ground bang out like 500 push-ups come on man i think there's a lot of uh a lot of these maybe you know like the fake ones that kind of half ones yeah well he definitely did something right, whatever he did. Yeah. But he also says something that, he says some stuff that's not physically possible. Like he said, he only eats a salad and a bowl of soup a day.

Mm-hmm. Well, that's not enough calories to keep your body mass. That doesn't make it, your whole body, the only reason why your body is the size that it is is because you take in calories enough to fuel all that muscle, right? If you don't take in enough calories to fuel all that muscle your body starts eating that muscle. That's a fact. That's just physiology So did you wonder by the way? I was listening to your Lance Armstrong episode how when he was talking about how riders just not eat. Yeah, you go like how do you have any energy to ride? Yeah, we're not talking about a leisurely stroll down the beach yeah you guys are training for tour de france and starving

yourself how how do you have the probably amphetamines if not amphetamines uh caffeine some some whatever legal and isn't there just all kinds of cramping going on your body's just i would think so freaking out yeah i would imagine so. I would imagine. I mean, fuck, man. I have no idea how anybody would do that. He said that's a very common practice. Like, bike cyclists. Yeah. Not cyclers.

Cyclers, right? No. Cyclists. It's not cyclers? No. Come on, Joe. He got so fucking mad at me. Jesus Christ.

He got mad at me, man. Yeah. He was like, it's cyclists. Cyclists. Don't say cyclers. It's so funny. But I guess it's like if someone said the ultimate fighting challenge. No, it's championship.

It's championship. Championship. Yeah. You know, the ultimate fighting challenge. Challenge. Yeah. Cyclist. Got it.

Yeah. I don't know, man. I think there's a lot of mental toughness involved in that sport for sure. I mean, those fucking people are savages. They really are. They really are, yeah. Just, I mean, how many days in a row do they do it? I think it's 21.

Something insane like that? Something like that. 21, 25. Something like that. Fuck, man. 100 miles a day? I know. 2,500 miles total?

What? I know. Have you heard about these super, super the super i don't know the right term mega um marathon people who do the 50 mile ones and and then they do them back to back like there's a few people that do them day after day after day yeah how does your body just sustain keep going lady in my neighborhood she ran two uh ultra marathons in a row. Two days in a row. 100 miles one day and then 100 miles the next day. That's a chick who hates her husband, for sure.

You think so? You fucking piece of shit. She's fueled by anger. You say my problems make your dicks off. I'm going to run for 200 fucking miles. Exactly. She comes home. Their toenails fall off. Their toenails fall off when they do that.

I saw Real Sports about that. And then a guy who so didn't care about that just had them lasered off. Whoa. Because they kept falling off. And he goes, I don't need them. So he just had them lasered off. Yes. What purpose do they serve?

I guess they protect the tips of your fingers. Is that what's going on there? I don't know, man. It is a weird thing when you look at fingernails. They are strange. Yeah. They really are. This weird hard surface.

Like every other animal that has nails, they're claws. Right. They're either designed to climb things or they're designed to kill. But we have these like weird tips. Yeah tips that are good for opening up envelopes. Stickers. Yeah. That's why we have these, man. Scraping stickers off.

Yeah. It's a weird feature of our bodies. It's weird how a person developed this way. And not only that, they just keep growing. So you're supposed to cut them like what if you don't cut you ever seen that guy in india that grew his nails like the world's longest nails yeah i've seen i don't know if i've seen him i've seen photos like that's so gross i think he did it for more than 18 years or something like that just grew his nails and they grew so long that he

couldn't use his hand that's one of them. They grow like that. Hey, what's up, asshole? That guy has two hands like that. Come on, man. So he has to wear special shirts with no sleeves. That's ridiculous. It is. I saw a-

Ew, look at that. Look at that guy. I saw a TLC show where it was, I don't know, weird. They have all these shows, weird people. And it was a lady who didn't cut her toenails. And they grow and curl. You know, she can't wear regular shoes. And I don't think she can work.

I think that was the other thing. She's like, I can't go to work. I'm going to fuck up these nails. So stupid. I got priorities. Yeah. That lady was weird. She kept them straight.

Oh, Jesus. No, thank you. Good Lord. That that lady was weird. She she kept him straight. Oh Jesus. No, thank you Good lord. That's like a bear. She looks like a bear Well, how strange are people? I know I'm sexy, but you have to take care of those nails like oh What's on the right left? No lower left look at that What are those? What are those? Oh, God. Well, that seems like we're looking at some other stuff there.

Like, we're looking at hand nails and toenails there. Because there's the toenails and then there's nails coming down. Yeah. Christ. Yeah, something disgusting about long nails. Yeah. Why? Yeah. Something disgusting about long nails. Yeah. Why? Yeah.

Even sometimes women will have the slightly longer pedicure. Why do you have them long? I don't even understand why. Yeah. Even slightly longer is kind of gross. Get that shit even, man. Yeah. Have you paid for that?

If you have a half inch long on your toes, like ew. So gross. Why you fucking weirdo? Why are you doing that? What are you using them for? Isn't that strange, though? Because a half inch on your fingers is totally acceptable and can even be sexy. Uh-huh.

Right? Like girls with red nails. Sure. It's kind of sexy. Right. Why is that? I don't know. The color?

It's because of the color. But how come the red toenails that are a little long are not sexy? Maybe to somebody it is. I'm saying I think it's fucking foul. I'm sure someone's going to be like, I love those half-long inch toenails. I think it's gross, man. Who wants toenails that go over the edge an inch? People do it purposely, so they have to be. They have to be doing it.

Maybe it's one of those things like girls think guys like it but only girls like it like really skinny girls yeah yeah yeah you know like girls will see a girl that's like basically dying and you're like oh she's so hot yeah look how skinny she is she's i wish i was that skinny yeah i wish i was that skinny no you don't there's some people that really think that that looks good they really really do. Because of fashion models, you know. I just don't, I don't understand that. Like, no guy likes that. I don't think so.

You want something. There must be a few guys, but they're fucked up. Yeah. But normal guys want meat. Something to grab onto. Yeah. Yeah. It's normal.

Like, every guy I've ever asked, would you rather your girl be 15 pounds too heavy or 15 pounds too light? Everybody says too heavy. Too heavy, yeah. Everybody. For sure. Too light is like, are you going to be okay? Yeah, of course.

You're dying. Yeah, you're tired all the time. Your face is all sucked in like you're making weight for a fight. You want the ass to move. Right? You take the ass moving, jiggling. Yeah. Jiggles are good.

Yeah. Spank. That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm saying. So tell me about Throatzilla. So we were starting this podcast. Before we started, he started telling me a story. I go, stop.

Save it. You asked me if I am on Snapchat. Yes. And I said, no, I don't post on Snapchat. And I said, well, I do have achat yes and I said no I don't post on snapchat I said well I do have a snapchat account just to follow throatzilla and you said who's that and here's the whole story so my buddy josh potter is really he's a great comic out of buffalo he turned me on to this um so snapchat for people that don't know you know you post you can post photos but also like videos

15 I think they're 15 seconds and they time out and then once they air they're gone you know so if you follow someone and they post all the time you're seeing essentially a timeline of their day or week so Throatzilla came to

prominence because she is an escort in the Dallas area and she's hooked up with a number of high profile people who she doesn't call out but one of them Dallas Cowboy offensive lineman Lael Collins hired

her to blow him and eat his ass and she did it but then he didn't pay her. So she put him on blast, called him out, told media outlets, and then I got turned on to her Snapchat because she'll also post sometimes little snaps of her blowing guys and eating their asses

and also running out of gas. Oh, that's her? No, don't put that one. I don't think she wants that one up. Why? Because she doesn't actually post her face. Oh. Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, is that actually her? I don't know if that's her. I've never actually seen her face. Not sure of that, yeah. But anyways, she really has a gift. She had a monster energy can in her mouth. Man, you should see her with dicks in her mouth.

She also goes by Orally Gifted 214, which I think is the Dallas area code. But yeah, there it is. Orally Gifted underscore 214. It says, I swallow everything, LOL. And what is that? Lemon? What is that, a lime or something? I don't know. That might be the end of a guy's cock that she

sucked off. The whole stick. Yeah. But she posts hilarious stuff, you know? Yeah? Yeah. And she'll do things like, don't nobody want the dick suck right now, so I'm just gonna get something to eat. That'll be like the Snapchat.

She's like, I just feel like giving head right now, but nobody's hitting me up. I'm going to go get some gas. And then she'll get some gas. Orally gifted. Well, there was that other girl that got famous in the hip hop world. She called herself Superhead. That's right. Yeah.

I remember that. I know you're aware of all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. She always counted on Tommy. She did a bunch of music videos, too. She was a video vixen. Oh. Yeah, she was blowing everyone left and right.

I think she wrote a book about it. Yeah. That I might own, actually. I think I own it. Well, she puts blowing everyone left and right. I think she wrote a book about it. Yeah. That I might own, actually. I think I own it. Well, she puts everybody on blast. She does. Like, Bobby Brown came over her house and fell asleep on her couch, and she filmed it. That's fucked up, though, right? Yeah.

I think the fucked up thing, like, so I had Throatzilla on my podcast. You did? Yeah, yeah. I messaged her, and she called in. So she called into the show. That's hilarious. And sheaged her and she called in. So she called into the show. That's hilarious. And she was really candid and really funny. And she basically said, you know, I provide this service, people pay, and I never would call you out.

I think that's part of the sort of unspoken deal. Right. But when this guy didn't pay up, it was fucked up. We agreed to something and he goes, oh, I only have $100 on me. How rude. Yeah, so she goes, at that point, that's when I called him out. Yeah, well, he treated her like an idiot. Yeah, exactly, which was the wrong thing to do.

What a rude guy. Yeah. Eat someone's ass. And then we actually, Josh and I had this conversation. And I know you don't follow football, but maybe you'll be able to weigh in on this we started to discuss which position players have the worst assholes because because if uh she ate a pretty big guy's ass i mean how big is he six six three thirty that's a big guy that's a big. And she said it was a lot of work to get in there, you know? So she said with skinny guys, she can, you know, put them in to change my diaper, like push their legs up and get underneath there.

But with these big guys, like with the big guys, they got to lay on their stomach and then you got to kind of... Open their asshole up. Yeah, yeah. Does she require that they go through some sort of a cleansing procedure? I asked. I'm glad you brought that up. And she said that no one's ever not been ready for it.

In other words, cleaned up, trimmed up, everyone's ready to go. No one has to be sent to clean up. Well, she is known for her work. She's known for it, yeah. These guys know their proper work environment. I think so. Yeah. You wouldn't ask someone to do electrical work in the pouring rain.

Exactly. Does that make sense? It's a great analogy, actually. Yes. So she says that, you know, it's one of her go-to moves. Eating ass? Yeah. I have a buddy of mine who hooked up with this girl.

Yeah. And they went back and forth online. And then they got together. And he said, immediately, before she even blew him, she went right to his ass. And I went, what? And he goes, yeah. He goes, I just got off a plane. And he goes, that was fucking disgusting.

That travel ass is bad. What? Yeah. I'm like, what? I'm like, what? He goes, I was so disgusted I never called her again. She went right to his ass. I'm like, who does that? A friend of mine said he also had an online hookup where the lady was pretty aggressive with how she was setting it up.

And he goes, come on over. And he said it was her first move. And he goes, come on over. And he said it was her first movie. He goes, I wasn't prepared for that. Her first move went to the ass. Went to the ass. Like, you know. Some ladies are bold. I guess.

Yeah. That's a weird move though, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Go straight to the butthole. Straight to the butthole. What kind of message are you trying to send? She's trying to say, like, this is going to go crazy.

I'm going nutty. You're saying I'm freaky. Like, if you were wondering, I am. That's what you're saying. As freaky as is possible. Yeah. Unless you bring a bunch of friends over to lick his ass, too. That's, yeah, that's even.

Whistle and a bunch of girls start knocking on the door. Like Pac-Man mouth. Y'all have fucking lobster bibs on. Yeah, that's pretty. You're saying I'm advanced. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, you're not marrying me. It's true.

Maybe that's why. Maybe that's why she did it. Maybe she just doesn't want a commitment. Sure. The best way to keep a guy from wanting to marry you is just to make him disgusted Eat his asshole right away Just really just tongue fuck it You're not even like coaxing her into it or

She just leaves with that yeah, just pushed my friend said he just he thought she was gonna blow him She grabbed his dick picked it up and then pushed his legs forward. He was like, what? She just gobble, gobble, gobble. Like a Rottweiler drinking out of a toilet bowl. Some chicks are just cool, man. There's really cool chicks out there. Yeah, man.

She's the best. I mean, how many guys have told their friends that kind of a story, and their friend went, wow, that's awesome. That's awesome. So what are you guys doing next? So you found a good girl, huh? Yeah. Me and the family this weekend?

Yeah, well, I'm trying to get her pregnant, bro. Oh, my God. Oof. You don't want to do that. Oof. Oof. Oof. Mm-mm.

Yeah, that's a weird thing. Shit comes out of there. Like, why? Yeah. Mm. yeah well why does it feel good though i know that's also part of the problem why doesn't your asshole feel like your fingernails wasn't it just like some dead dull spot that just pumps out shit yeah i remember doing that to someone in college i only did it because I saw it in a movie, you know? You know what I did? I got Hershey's syrup, and I thought it was, like, kinky to do.

And then I realized, as the Hershey's syrup smeared on, it just looks like she shit all over. Because it's just liquid chocolate. So I pull my face up, and I'm like, oh, man. It looks like she just shit in my mouth. Even though it didn't taste like it, it sure looked like it. Yeah, that's not a good look. No. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like cherry sauce. Put cherry sauce all over it. And it was all over, too, you know? Yeah, that's not good. Nah. I don't think she liked it either. No? Did she get weirded out by you? Nah, she was just like, it's what you want to do, right?

All righty. All right, man. Did she say it felt good? I don't remember actually i mean i don't i know i didn't think she was like hey this sucks but well i don't remember it being you know big applause break or anything it's weird that some girls don't want to have nothing to do with taking the ass where other girls beg for it yeah they love They love it. Put something in there. All right. God. It's really aggressive. Yeah.

Well, girls with toys, that's always weird. Hold on a second. And girls come back with like a giant black rubber dick like, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey now. Where's this going? That's for you, right? Or a girl with a strap on.

I never had that. No. Not interested. Yeah. If I wanted that, I'd fuck dudes. Right. Or have dudes fuck me. Why would I want a girl to pretend to be a dude?

Some people love it. Well, some people are really in trannies, you know? Yeah. Insensitive. I was insensitive with that word. Yeah. You still say cabbies, though. I like to take a cabbie.

Call a cabbie. Point. Counterpoint. Well, a tranny sounds cute to me. It does sound kind of cute. I don't know why it's bad. It's offensive. What do you think?

I mean, is it pretty obvious that the attraction there for people that are attracted to it is that it looks like something and it's not? I mean, is that the appeal, you think? I think people that like transgender guys, I mean, there's probably a whole fucking spectrum of different things that people like and why they like it. Right. But I think some of them, they like the idea of it being, like, naughty. Like someone with, like, she's got tits and she's got a beautiful face and then you take her and say, Oh, it's a fucking shillelagh.

Right, right. Like, it's just exciting that it's crazy. Naughty. Well, it also could be that you had some weird experience during your formative period like when you're young like like when you're developing apparently they say chris ryan has described this to me um that there's a state dr chris ryan who wrote that book uh sex at dawn i do podcasts with him all the time and he was talking about imprinting like as you're young like during your formative years i think it's i think he said between somewhere between like 11 and 13 or 9 and 13

or something like that that something can happen sexually like someone could do something to you sexually maybe a man can do something sexually you might not even be gay but you might get like sexually imprinted you know that like that somehow or another excites you in some sort of a weird way Even reluctantly excites you. Yeah, even reluctantly. Well for a lot of people they're they're afraid of the shame that comes with liking what you like sure like if you're a Supposedly heterosexual man, but you're really into transgender women There's you know, you could run a risk of people finding out at work and thinking you're really into transgender women there's you know you could run a risk of people finding out at work and thinking you're fucked up you know or you know labeling you so right

deviant and thinking like what else is this fucker yeah into you know yeah it's weird i know i know almost weirder than being gay. Because if you, I mean, there's some people that don't like gay people. There's some people are afraid of it or there's a religious thing, you know. But I think that that's more accepted maybe even than wanting to date a transgender person. Oh, for sure. I mean, in today's world, I think a lot of people have come a long way with you know at least somewhat accepting homosexuality but when you get to transgender that's a big leap for a lot of people yeah sure for sure right i think i think so i don't know yeah they they start looking at like

you like this is what your cards are you gotta fucking deal with it you gotta take it yeah and then some people like but my i got the wrong cards mm-hmm I got there I feel like inside I got the wrong cards sure not only do I support that I support people that feel like a dude but want to be a girl like I was definitely born a guy I'm a guy but ah I want to be a girl yeah fuck it I want to get a sex change okay I don't give a shit yeah I don't care if you tattoo your face go for it i never care what turns somebody on you know i mean like i don't understand how it would bother you when when some people are afraid you know you're saying like the

shame and people finding out but it's amazing to me that it would bother somebody what gets somebody else off you know i think it's americans puritan culture. We're apparently, when you compare us to the rest of the world, like as far as like what we like and, you know, what we'll accept from society, from people, we're like one of the most Puritan cultures on the planet. It's so bizarre to think that that's our surroundings. Because when you're in it, you don't even think about it until you step out and you see how other cultures

are. Do you think we make the most porn? Make the most? Yeah. I bet we make the most. I think without question we make the most. Without question? Without question. Really? Yeah, because industry-wise, I'm talking just as a business, there's no other place that's creating the amount of content as the

San Fernando Valley. It's got to be. Well, they're fucked now because they have to wear condoms. That's why there'll be a change, a shift. But for the last 30 years, it's got to be California. It's like when they started shipping jobs overseas. That's what it is. God damn it.

Fucking manufacturing jobs. They fucked middle class. It's horrible. Doing that to porn. Shipping all these hard dicks to another place. You need someone to put them. Well, they're wrapping them up with rubbers. It's horrible. Doing that to porn. Shipping all these hard dicks to another place. Need someone to put them. Well, they're wrapping them up with rubbers. That's the thing.

The idea. That is a bummer, by the way, to me, to watch that. I've seen that. I don't want to watch a guy wearing a rubber. No. Isn't that funny? Like, why would you care? But there's something about, like, they even try to trick you by having those, like, super

transparent rubbers. Yes. But there's something about the glistening of the dick just doesn't look realistic. You can't see the end, like the rim, the part that went down. Kind of like, wait, is there something on there? That's a fucking rubber. It's a rubber. His dick's all shiny.

You know what bums me out the most? When a girl's blowing a guy with a rubber on. Oh, yeah. Just stop. Just stop. Buddy, just jerk off on the top of her head, and that would be better. Yeah. On the top of her head.

Don't even come near her face. Don't let her blow you. I just don't like it. I don't want to watch it. I don't want to see it. I've seen one of those blooper videos where it has the guy like it's like a double team and one guy finishes on a girl's head you know on her hair and she goes did you just come in my hair and the whole scene stops and there's like a big fight everyone's screaming and yelling really yeah it's

and he's like i'm sorry she got mad oh really mad really mad yeah why would she get mad at that because he went right into her hair and And so she can't clean it? I don't know. She's planning on going out? I think she had an appointment afterwards. Girls get their hair did. When they get their hair did, they like to keep it that way for days. Yeah, do not fuck with the hair.

Don't come in it, for sure. Well, especially if there's like hairspray. Then it becomes like stalagmites. Hangs down. Gets caught up in the fucking webbing of the hair. No, no bueno, man. Not bueno, even slightly. No, it's the worst.

But eyelashes are okay. Come on, the eyelashes? Yeah, when they get it in the mug and then it's dripping off their eyelashes, like, hey. Yeah. They have that look on their face. And the flutter, the eye flutter. Yeah. They have that look on their face. And the flutter, the eye flutter. Yeah. The eyelashes kind of, in some ways, protect them from cum.

Like a good... That's why we have eyelashes. Didn't Dr. Ryan talk about that? A good thick shield, like palm fronds. Yeah. Protect you. Protect you from jizz. You know, Joe, we've studied for the last few hundred thousand years,

humans have eyelashes to protect them from facials. There's a weird thing, huh? Facials? Like, where'd that come from? Like, why? Why come in someone's face? Like, it used to. It started off.

It's got to be power. It's a power move, right? Is it? I think it's a power move. Well, it's a freak move, too, right? True. Like, a girl sticks her tongue out. She goes, ah.

Yeah. How about the scoop and score? Isn't that crazy? Oh, that's a freak move too, right? True. Like a girl sticks her tongue out. She goes, ah. Yeah. How about the scoop and score? Isn't that crazy? Oh, that's disgusting. When it's like, oh, there's a little up here. And they take it down. And then they swallow it. And then they have to pretend that it's the most delicious thing ever.

That even when you're watching, you're like, I don't know. It's been sitting on your face for a while. You didn't remember it was there. It's kind of cooled off. It's cooled off. And you're like, it's delicious. It's been sitting on your face for a while. You didn't remember it was there. It's kind of cooled off. It's cooled off. It's delicious. It's cooled off. I like hot jizz only.

It's like, you know, you never eat a pot pie when it's cold. Well, don't you think those save all the jizz videos? Those are disgusting, man. You see, that's where a fellow draws the line. Like if you date a girl, she used to be a porn star. Well, you know, she's just having sex. Who cares if it's on camera? But then if you watch a video of like five guys coming into a mug and she chugs it.

That is so foul. There's a lot of those out there. Jamie's going to throw up. Yeah, that is foul. Isn't it? And they're like, drink it through a straw. Like, they do something so disgusting. So gross, man.

With that Max Hardcore guy, he opened up a woman's asshole with a speculum, then he pissed inside of it, and then attached a straw to it and made her drink his piss out of her asshole that was opened up like a bowl. What do you think his imprinting is from childhood? It's not great.

Whatever it is. Pretty crazy. Not good. Someone did bad things. I saw one of those, is it speculum? Is that what it's called? Yeah, when they open you up. Yeah, and a girl's ass and then they put cereal and milk and somebody ate it out of there

Fucking gross as shit too. That's when they need to stop like I've had this bit that I've had this bit for a while that I just never figured out what to do with on stage But the bit was like why are they still making porn? Who has jerked off to all the porn? Yeah. Like how could anybody who's, who's showing up at the video store on Monday morning going, there's new shit here. There's a new shit. There's a new shit.

Just fucking constantly jacking. Like no one has seen all of them. Like we've, there's enough. There's more than enough. Well, you could jerk off once an hour, every hour for the rest of your life and you would never get through all the porn that's ever been made. Through ten lifetimes, you could do that. But yet, they're still making it.

Sure. Like, what is that? I don't know. There's just this insatiable appetite for it, I guess, from enough people. Because it's not like music or comedy or something where people want new things because you like, well, maybe it is. Maybe that's it. I was going to say because you like well, maybe it is maybe that's it I was gonna say you like a particular artist like Say, you know Chris Rock like when's Chris Rock or Tom Segura who's got a new Netflix special that's available this Friday

January 8th, that's right shameless plug So like if you're a Tom Segura fan like there's only one way to get it You got a way for Tom Segura to put out a new CD or a new Netflix special. But for porn, I guess maybe that's what it is. Guys like jacking off to one girl. Right. So they become a Kendra Lust fan. Sure.

You ever seen her? That name sounds familiar, so I'm sure I have. Big ol' ass. Big ol' ass. Fucking woman. Yeah. She's all woman. She's milfy, too.

She looks like she's in her late 30s and ready to party. You know what I'm talking about? Has some experience. Yeah. But takes care of herself. Sure. Yeah. So if you're a fan of hers, there's only one way to get it.

You've got to watch her videos. Sure. There she goes. Bam. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Booty. Good lord, son. Foroty. Good lord, son.

Good lord. Put it away before somebody gets hurt. So, like, if you're a fan of any, you know, fill in the blank. Tara Patrick. Whatever. You gotta wait for her when she's retired. You gotta wait for that's a bummer when girls are still hot and they retire. Yeah, what are you doing retiring?

We're all still jerking off over here. What are you doing? You're not done. You're not done. Is she back or not? Yeah, it's you doing retiring? Come on. We're all still jerking off over here. What are you doing? You're not done. You're not done. Is she back or not? Yeah, it's like if Conor McGregor retires now. Come on, Conor. You've got a few good years left in you. At least.

What are you doing? Could you make a few videos for us? There's a thing about watching them where guys get obsessed with one girl, and then they go to like the avn shows and then wait in line yeah to get a picture signed and that's too far he's almost there got a photo with you can i get a photo with you and they're like they're holding on to her and if the girls do escorting that's the other thing some of those porn stars like you can actually fuck them yeah i'm sure it's a pretty penny though, right? A couple grand probably. You think so?

Yeah, but is that awful? I mean, is that worse? Here's the question. Here's the big question. Is that worse? Easy over there. You all right? You getting sick?

No, no, no. I'm not. Yeah, I'm not sick. Is it worse to have sex with a guy who's paying you than it is to have sex with a guy on film? Is there a line that's crossed there hmm what do you mean by worse though well i don't give a fuck either way yeah but for some people is the perception worse like is it worse to be a girl who's a porn star who also escorts or is it is it you know what's... Personally, I think the...

If it's between the two, I would do it off camera so it's not documented. Unless for some reason you want it to be documented. You know, if you're doing just your escorting, well, it's just between you and whoever you do it with. Right. So you don't have that social stigma of right known for doing that right but but for those girls they don't care about that social stigma i got you i mean that's their living sure

but is it worse is it worse to be an escort and a porn star or just a porn star or is it a stupid question i don't know man i mean might be a stupid question i just feel like they're probably trying to get lucrative That's exactly what it is So just Keep taking those escorts Escort hires That's exactly what it is

Yeah Well it's a good move for them For sure Probably get I bet Some of them get paid A lot of money I bet they do too

Rich dudes Yeah Rich dudes Because they hit up Look And then she's like It's 10,000 And for the guy who's like, okay.

Yeah. Then you're getting paid, man. Yeah, yeah. Well, Red Band had something they put on Twitter the other day about girls that take another vacation to go shopping in Dubai. It was a thinly veiled prostitution reference. Because that's what a lot of people prostitution reference. Uh-huh. Because that's what a lot of people do apparently. Oh, really?

They go shopping? Well, there's so much money in Dubai. Yeah. So much money. Like you can't even. Have you ever been? I've never been. I was there once for the UFC.

Because there was a UFC in Abu Dhabi. And we went to Dubai to do the weigh-ins. We did the weigh-ins in Dubai. And then we drove to Abu Dhabi from there. Like, fucking, when you drive, you have to drive the fucking speed limit. Or they will hit you with a missile. They'll shoot you in the face with a missile. Really?

It's so strict there. Like, the drivers, like, they will not violate the speed limit. Like, if you violate the speed limit, if you do anything wrong, anything that can allow you to get locked up, who knows the fuck's gonna happen literally who knows what's gonna happen yeah especially if you are in a position like a driver or a service person like a waiter a waitress or bartender or something like that you cannot fuck around over there like it is not america right like that is you're you're essentially dealing with kings like some kind of game of thrones type shit in a lot of ways but um so we were there and uh when you're in dubai

every fucking car you see is you know a hundred thousand dollars two hundred thousand dollars it's all mercedes and ferraris and lamborghinis it's like everywhere. I mean, it's literally, it's like a joke. It's like a scene in a movie of extreme opulence, like over-the-top opulence, where you go, come on, it's not really like that. But it is really like that. Like everywhere you go, everyone's got a million-dollar car. There's Bugatti Veyrons that are like $1.5 million. It's insane.

It's crazy. The amount of wealth. I remember that one of my cousins came to do English course here at USC, and he had people from all different countries. And so the Abu Dhabi guys took the classes, the kids from the class. When we talk kids, I'm saying 22-year-old people out on L.A. And they would just pull out stacks of money. And he was like, where'd you get that?

And he's like, oh, we just, the government gave us money because we're educating ourselves and coming back. So they'll pay for everything. And he said, you know, you could go, if you're born there, you can go to the government be like I need money for this and they would just give you the money and he was just they were just spending on everyone stacks of money well you're not supposed to drink there either but you can drink in the bars there's certain bars where they allow it because yeah Americans and

Western people but I got as a hole like they don't want drinking hmm it's very strange and I had some friends when we were at the UFC I stayed in Abu Dhabi but a bunch of the guys were bored and they were like we're gonna go to Dubai and see what's up they went to a bar and they said it was 90% prostitutes it was all like Eastern Bloc prostitutes like you walked in it was like a wolf den and just a bunch of wolves Looking a fucking snack on you mm-hmm like everywhere They went like they just these girls just go there and they just wait for someone who's got a lot of money He goes you you you come with me eat the ass let's go yeah

And then they leave with a stack. Yeah, fat stacks. Yeah. Well, if you're a girl and you want to involve yourself in some prostitution, it's probably a good move. You go over there, just clean up for a month or a week, come back with half a year's worth of salary. So people are doing that, though. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

According to Redman, allegedly. How is he so in on this? He knows things. He knows these people. He's things. He knows these people. He's aware. He knows that hoeing mentality. He's around hoes. He definitely knows hoes. Yeah.

He knows them. We always tease, because we started doing our podcast with him, that he's our retarded stepchild. He has special knowledge. Yeah. He knows things about certain things it's just like he's gotta figure out like he started doing his own podcast okay something first first episode just launched last week and i've been telling him to do that forever i'm like it'll be so good for

you because you have this you have this weird style this weird way about you. Mm-hmm. And, like, get into it. Yeah. You know, you'll find people that want to see it. But right now, they only see it if you're on someone else's show. Sure. You know? And, like, do your own show, and it could be all your freakiness. Yeah.

And then I think also when you do your own show, too, you realize how much is involved in managing the ship. Sure. Making sure it steers in the right direction. Thinking about what the subject you're talking about. Is this entertaining? When do I pick this up? How do I ramp it up? Yeah.

How do I add some new stuff in there? He has a lot of experience. I mean, you know, we actually love Red Band. But he steered our ship for a while, you know, kind of helped shape things. He did it with a lot of people. Yeah. Imagine if all the people that started podcasts with him could tolerate him and stay. Ari, Duncan, Joey, Brian Callen, you.

Yeah. Sam Tripoli. Yeah. Is Sam still doing his show? I thought so. I don't know. but I didn't think he'd stopped. I haven't seen it or heard it in a while. Really? I don't know.

Well, those guys definitely still do their punch trunk, their sports one. Yes. That's still a thing. Yeah, he still does that. They do that on another network, right? What is that, All Things Comedy? Is that on All Things Comedy? That does sound like an All Things Comedy show, yeah.

All Things Comedy has a lot of good shows on it, right? It does, yeah. It does. I mean, it's Madrigal and Burr, and then, I mean, we're part of that. Are you? Your mom's house is, yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, being a part of All Things Comedy is almost like being

part of a collective support thing where everybody still owns their own shows, but you just kind of have more power in numbers thing, you know? How does that work? Well, I mean, I think the idea behind it was that if we are all together and we can approach people as here's what doing business with all things comedy means, it means you're getting this bundle as opposed to just saying one thing. You still get to be your own entity, but you're a part bundle as opposed to just saying one thing you still get to be your own entity but you're a part of something when you need to be right and it helps for it's it's great for promotion too you know if if uh like my special comes out so i send out a

message to our group and then everybody who has a podcast will get um info about helping to plug my thing you know we do that for each other. That's cool. I mean, if you get every show together, you're getting a few million downloads. Right. Well, we kind of all do that for each other anyway. We do anyways. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, I'm always tweeting for friends, and you do the same, and we all do that for each other. For sure. We all support each other. That's the best kind of network, right? The kind of network that's totally organic. Yes. There's no financial gain in it at all. Yeah. We of help each other yeah absolutely yeah i mean we i mean i know

we've as all things comedy we've also worked with sponsors that you know the idea was that we're approaching you because we have this collective right and they responded to it so okay so like uh they handle the ads and they bring them to you is that how it works yeah like so with like you know al or bill approach um you know whatever company and say we have 50 shows here's our gross amount of downloads if you sign up to do this set amount and then kind of divvy it up amongst the people that can do it so So we've done that a few times. That's interesting. So is the amount of money that you get based on the amount of downloads that you have? Yes, exactly. Hmm.

Who manages all that? That seems like a nightmare. It's a lot of work, man. I mean, Mike is one of the guys over there. I think Flynn, and I'm trying to remember another name. But it's a job. It's a full-time job. At a certain point in time, though, as your podcast becomes more more and more successful it seems like that would kind of get in the way

well it doesn't really like i said because those guys are so about al and bill hey we're not taking anything from you right and do whatever you do whatever you want right that they're not they're not saying if you do this you can't do that they're it's almost like they're saying do whatever you do and in addition you can do this with us You know that's a perfect world. It is a perfect world. Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, your podcast is fucking blown up man It's amazing. It's been going well. Yeah, it's amazing You guys do live ones to the live ones I see when you guys tweet about live ones and the people go to them It's a thing like there's a there's a whole thing going on with the mommies

Yeah, people see people get excited and they go live podcasts or something fucking different go to them. It's a thing. Like there's a whole thing going on with the mommies. Yeah. People get excited and they go, live podcast or something fucking different, man. It's fun, man. We did it at the Ice House in the main room. Yeah. And it sold out almost immediately. Yeah, like a couple months ago because we've been, you know. When are you doing it again?

I don't have, we don't have it set up, but we need to. Do it. Let me come. I want to be a guest. You want to be a guest on a live one? Fuck yeah. Yeah, please. All right.

I want to start doing live podcasts. I've done a few other people's podcasts live, but- It's really fun to do live. I did Fitzsimmons the other day. We had a great time. He's great. We did it in the belly room, his 500th episode with his buddy Mike. It was awesome.

It's really fun. Yeah. We just did his show too, Fitzsimmons. You find yourself going for jokes more, going for laughs. Absolutely. It's really fun. Yeah, we just did his show, too, Fitzsimmons. You find yourself going for jokes more, like going for laughs. Absolutely. It changes. But here's the thing. They're so geeked up for those laughs.

Yes. So it becomes a really fun environment to do it in. I watched another podcast live that's not mine and not yours and not Fitzsimmons. Oh, my God. I wanted to run through a fucking wall. I was like, podcasts are weird, man. They find their own level. Like Water Seeks Its Own Level, they find their own vibe.

And there's some podcasts where you go and there's fans of that podcast. You go and see it and you're like, this is not my fucking scene at all. At all. They weren't swearingaring they were doing it very much like a radio show there's got to be a bit a little bit of that too don't you think to probably stand-up shows oh yeah that you fuck you don't end up walking into but if you were to go to oh so-and-so's here tonight it's sold out and you walk in like what the fuck is this oh yeah well that's just the way of the world right right? That's how it is with music. With everything.

Movies. I mean, have you seen Pitch Perfect? That's the singing one? Exactly. No, you haven't. No. No, but fucking millions of chicks have. They're like, I can't wait.

Pitch Perfect. Here it is. Ah! And they fucking love it. They get crazy. And it's not bad. It's not bad. It's not them.

It's what they like. There's a lot shit. I like the people don't like yeah Somebody told me one time and it was about you know a movie come out It's one of those a comedy comes out and you go this looks like fucking shit, right? and there's there's billboards and there's always a few famous people in it and you got and I was Hating on how shitty it looked in a few famous people in it and you got right and i was hating on how shitty it looked and how terrible and he goes well you know this wasn't made for you and i go yeah no i know he goes no no but like there's a there's a lot of people that love this oh yeah this just isn't for you know it's not made for you and i started to think of entertainment differently

from the moment that was said to me, that I see things now, trailers, posters, commercials for something. And I go, oh, but this is made for a different audience. Yeah. You know, there's things that are made for me where I respond to it. I go, oh, I fucking can't. Well, that's for me. That's why it's so important to do what you like on stage. Oh, yeah.

Stand up wise. If you start trying to make it for somebody. Those guys are fucked. Those guys who create those squeaky clean acts, but they're not squeaky clean, those are tortured people. Of course. Because they're literally making art that's not for them.

Right. But you're you. You're you and you can't be you. The audience won't accept it. You're talking about roofing chicks and sticking them in when speaking of Bill Cosby I watched his lawyer debate some commentator or some television pundit or whatever would you would call them host and she was explaining you know, that how ridiculous these allegations are and how Mr. Cosby, you know, didn't do any of these things and that he is a, this very rich,

wealthy man. And then that has to be taken into consideration that these people are doing this for attention. And I was like, wow, this is, it's fascinating to watch the spin, the dance,

you know, and the guy was saying, well, there's 50 people though. And she was like, well, out of those 50, a lot of them are not even sexual allegations and not even sexual assault

allegations, which I didn't know. Yeah. Only 23 are sexual. Only 37. It's not that many. I don't know if he did or not, but I haven't heard of another person ever that's had 50 people claim that he raped them by giving them drugs. I know.

It's the... It's... By giving them drugs. I know. It's the, it's, I think the sad part is the people who really want to defend the, like, the conspiracy theories on it. Oh, yeah. You know, he was about to buy NBC.

I don't know if you know that. He was making a move to buy NBC, and they don't want a black man in power like that. That's so ridiculous, man. Yeah. Oh, they don't? Okay. Nobody wants to take down Cosby. Nobody's agenda was that. Yeah, if they did, they would have taken down Oprah first.

For sure, man. It's so silly. Oprah's worth more than anyone ever. It's so silly. She's the most successful entertainer ever, and she doesn't even have a talent. She's not a singer. She's not a dancer. She's not a great actress.

What does she do? She doesn't tell jokes. What does she do? She talks to people. Gives away cars. Get up in the morning and look at the sun and think yeah it's like yeah okay well she has like positive messages she's super positive she's really good for menopausal women like they really relate to her oh yeah strange way yeah she got their vibe down but i get why people do have their why they want to defend them i understand the the motivation yeah and the and

and feeling like oh yeah you know the adoration for them and wanting to defend i totally get why they do it and the reality is we don't know yeah that's really don't know yeah that mean the idea that you could never find 50 liars of course you could right of course you could but it's you know, I think that the the argument that I find the most Sort of ignorant and uninformed is the one where people go. Why'd they wait that long? Yes Well, you know if you if you talk to any sex crimes unit officer detective any psychologist about

Victims of sexual assault. It's not unusual for it to go unreported or to go a long time without someone wanting to talk about it yeah it's completely within the spectrum of normal responses to something like that so when people are like you know I happened 25 years ago yeah it's normal it's normal for someone not to bring it up completely normal well there's a lot of shame involved course some women they would rather just forget about it then report it yeah they would rather just pretend it never happened then go through all the public shaming and then you're dealing with an insanely rich insanely powerful man who's loved by so many and then if

there was no previous allegations who the fuck is going to believe you yeah like to a woman in 1996 let's say back when he was you know he's not doing the show anymore, but he's in his heyday, right? Yeah. He's loved by everybody. He's drugging chicks, banging them. Yeah. Like, she's probably like, how does this, this can't be real. Yeah.

I'll just fuck it. I'll just eat it. I'll just deal with it. Just deal with it. But then it fucks with them, I'm sure, for a long time. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Could you imagine?

Well, that was the weirdest thing is that some of them claimed that he was like in a mentorship role with them. Like, I'll help you with your career. I'll do this. Yeah. I'll have a coffee.

That was his move, his power move, yeah. What's happening? What's happening? Is there more? Is there more? Yeah, you want more coffee? Oh, yeah.

It's full. It's good. Yeah. What is this? That's butter coffee. It's caveman coffee with a little grass-fed butter and some MCT oil. It's good for the soul.

That's lovely. You just feel right. Lovely. I feel good. So you're a Trump supporter, right? Big time, man. I'm the Southern California chapter head. These Bernie Sanders people have been fucking tweeting at me.

They're so mad because I said that Bernie Sanders supported 90% taxing of the rich. Apparently, it's not exactly true. This is what... So, I'll correct it for the Bernie Sanders people because they get upset. What he did say was... They're talking about marginal tax rate, which that means if you make over a certain amount, how much should you tax? Are we going to cap that?

He was saying that for a marginal tax rate, is 90% too high? He said no. And that's for extremely wealthy people. So let's say if you make $10 million a year, everything over $10 million they would tax at 90%. And I'm just coming up with a number for 10. Everything over 10 million bucks they would tax at 90%. And I'm just coming up with a number for 10. But the regular, and he thinks it's not too much to tax 90% over amount.

But the problem with this kind of thinking is, when people say, well, yeah, it's going to help other people. It's going to be good for other people. Not necessarily. The problem with that kind of thinking is that money goes to the government. And the government is a bunch of fucking monkeys. Yeah. That's the reality.

Yeah. It's not like an insanely ethical, really educated, super smart, really disciplined, conservative, fiscally conservative person who's going to take care of this money and allocate it correctly. No. You're going to give it to the government and you're going to create bigger government. You're going to create bureaucracy, red tape, more people, more bullshit, more jobs that are bullshit jobs. It's not necessarily going to help people. And then he, he, I think Bernie Sanders says a lot of good shit.

Like people that think that I'm a Bernie Sanders hater. He says a lot of good shit. I like what he says about marijuana, but he says some fucking silly shit too. Here's one of the things that he said that drove me crazy. You don't necessarily need a choice of 23 underarm spray deodorants or 18 different pairs of sneakers

when children are hungry in this country. Those two things are totally unrelated. What's his? That's totally unrelated. What if you wanted to open up a fucking deodorant company you shouldn't be able to open up a deodorant company because children are starving so you should work to to to feed children what's the context with in which he said that though he was just talking about the economy it's just talking about the world

and the idea of uh choking on choice you know we have too much too many choices yeah that we have too many choices that we divert but here's the thing when you think about these choices you're talking about these choices that are created by whatever percentage whatever number of 300 million people that has nothing to do with whether or not poor people get fed. It just doesn't. And taking money away from wealthy people doesn't have anything to do with whether or not poor people get fed.

I think that one of the things that he said that I agree with wholeheartedly is they need to stop people, these corporations, from hiding their money overseas where they don't have to pay taxes on it. Yeah. 100%. 100%. I think that's fucking criminal if you want all the benefits of living in America You want all the benefits that are provided to you by this free country, but you want to store your money overseas Fuck you. You don't want to pay taxes on that. Fuck you But maybe there's some compromise where that tax rate does get adjusted for that a little bit so that they have the incentive, right?

To keep it over here. Yeah, because right now the reason they're saying, well, I'm going to keep it over there because I'm saving so much fucking money. Yeah, but they make so much money. Yeah, I agree. They're just greedy cunts. Those are greedy cunts. For sure. For sure they are.

Because you're talking about people that are making insane amounts of money that are doing that. Billions. People that are barely getting by. So I think in that sense, yeah. I'm 100% with him on that. And corporate tax shelters, there's a lot of really sneaky shit where you find out companies made billions of dollars and they paid almost nothing in taxes because of shelters. Shame. I'm 100% with him on that.

I think he's got a lot of really good points. I mean, he's 100% down'm 100 with him on that i think he's got a lot of really good points he's got a really i mean he's 100 down with pot i i appreciate that his position on cannabis is it's totally on unnecessary and criminal to have it illegal i believe him 100 on that and i also support him 100 on the idea of a living wage like if somebody works 40 hours a week they should be able to feed themselves and have a roof over their head. Yeah. I'm 100% down with that. I think a minimum wage for a kid who's in high school or something like that that still lives with their parents, that's one thing. And I think there are entry-level jobs like that where someone should make whatever it is. But it should be enough where you could live.

If you're a person who's 18 years or older and you're working at a job and you are spending eight hours of every 24-hour day working for someone, you should make a living. You should be able to feed yourself without worry, clothe yourself. I'm not talking about opulence. I'm not talking about wealth and driving a Mercedes. But you should definitely be able to take care of yourself. You should. I think the problem with that, because I think a lot of people agree with that, is it's always, well, how are we going to, who's going to pay for that? In other words, the idea is right. And then you go, where, where will the money come from to support making that a reality?

Well, I think the money's got to come. I mean, it's got to be a profitable business, right? Right. So if you had a profitable business, how much of the profit goes to the employees and how much of the profit goes to the employees and how much of the profit goes to the owner of the business. Sure. Like say if you have a diamond business, right? And you're selling diamonds and your employees are making $5 an hour.

That's kind of fucked up. Yeah. You know, like you're making millions and you're paying your employee $5 an hour. Yeah. What is it? Seven now? What's the minimum? I have no idea.

See, and that's obviously an extreme example, but in that extreme example, yeah, man, you need to pay more money to people who work for you. If someone, if they didn't work for you, your job wouldn't work. Like, you need someone. Say if you run a car manufacturing business, right? Yeah. If you don't have employees that put together those cars, you literally don't have cars. You don't have anything to sell. So you need to pay those fucking people because they're the reason why your cars get made.

And if they do a good job, they should be paid well. I totally agree with you. I mean, nothing is, it's, it's horrible when somebody applies themselves to a job and can't sustain the minimum, you know, like having a place to live, paying for food. Yeah, it's terrible. It's terrible. I totally agree. I, I, the only thing that I'm not smart enough to definitely figure out is, well, what is that

number? And then do you then dictate to different places of business, it's got to be this number or it's got to be this percentage at least? How do you make it a reality? I don't know, man. I do know that Obamacareare according to everyone that i know that runs a business is a fucking disaster really and it's costing people way more money costing businesses way more money i've yet to hear anybody make a convincing argument why why it works but

on the other hand i'm a fan of the idea of socialized medicine sure i think that medicine should be just like the police and the fire department. I think you should, the people who do it should be paid really well. They should have an incentive to want those jobs and the people should be able to get the services for free.

I really think that. I mean, I think I'm not opposed to private doctors. Say if you're a badass fucking knee surgeon, you work on the NBA, and you work on all these different people, and you're just the best at what you do, you should totally be able to work privately. But the government could easily allocate enough money to provide public health care. It's been done in other countries.

The fact that it can't be done here, it's impossible. They do it other places. They don't do it well. It sucks in England. It fucking sucks. Does it really? Everybody I talk to that lives over there tell you it's a year if you hurt yourself, a year to get surgery. People always cite Canada too.

Canada's a joke too. I know a couple Canadian people that when shit got serious, you know, and they needed to see a cardiovascular surgeon, and they talked about that weight, they were like, fuck it, let's fly over to the Mayo Clinic. Exactly. And then you shell out the money, though. Yeah, and then you have to come to America, and you have to pay for a hotel and airfare,

and who knows if you have that money. Yeah, I think there's got to be some sort of a comfortable middle ground. But it's got to be, it's sort of like public school. You know, like you can get educated in this country if you don't have enough money. Right. But is it a good education? No. Not in a lot of parts.

Not in a lot of parts. Not in a lot of parts of California. I know. Southern California, Los Angeles, one of the richest fucking cities in all of the United States. Yeah. And the schools are dog shit. Yeah.

Dog shit. Terrible. There really shouldn't be an excuse for that. No. But, you know, also, you're dealing with crime. Yeah. You're dealing with extreme levels of poverty. Engineering that and trying to fix that is not an easy task, but I just don't think you do that by

Limiting the amount of underarm sprays or Toothpaste or fucking the flavors of ice cream or whatever the fuck you want to I don't see the doesn't make sense action No, I just don't know. I don't know if he's it been a businessman ever, you know, I think yeah, I don't think so That's what I like about Trump. I don't like a lot of things about Trump I don't like how he talks's what I like about Trump. I don't like a lot of things about Trump. I don't like how he talks about Mexicans. That shit drives me crazy. I mean, the idea of people sneaking over here, over the border, like, dude, how do you not have compassion? These fucking people were born in a third world country that's attached to America.

I think he knows what he's saying when he's doing that. He's fucking around? Well, I think he's playing to what he knows will get people to you're goddamn right you know that place yeah he knows that that's that saying those controversial you know like things that are going to get in the paper are also going to get people going well at least someone's saying it you know i think he knows that i don't think it's an accident yeah i think you're probably right in a lot of ways but i think he gets a big response from that sure and he feeds off that response. He loves it.

But he's a successful businessman. Yeah. You know what someone told me, though? This is really kind of fucked up. If he took that money that his father gave him, his father gave him two million bucks to start his business. If he took that money and put it in a mutual account, it would be worth way more than he currently is worth. That I do not believe. I would check your friend pretty fucking hard.

I was not a friend. It's like someone told me on the internet. Well, if he put that money in a mutual fund, that would have been probably around 35 years ago, $2 million. His net worth, conservatively, is around $4.5 billion. I mean, do you really think that a mutual fund would have...

Well, let's look at it. Jamie, why don't you Google that? If Donald Trump took the money that his father gave him and invested it in blank, whatever it is. Yeah. Whatever that equation is i mean shit let's see if he would have bought apple stock you know i mean oh yeah it would have been crazy i don't think it'd be four and a half what about google billion oh oh shit yeah that'd be some big money oh shit but you know what's funny is that he goes i'm worth 10 billion and forbes did this breakdown

of all his you know assets and they go no you're not he goes yeah i am and that's kind of how he argues things is go yeah i am though you know he doesn't have the substance right facts behind it he just says yeah and they go why are you saying that he goes because it sounds better it sounds better to be worth 10 than four and a half did he admit that yeah he said that he said it's because it sounds better? Yeah, and they said, in other words, to make him worth 10, he would be inflating the value of a lot of his holdings. In other words, it's like saying, well, I have this house, and it's worth $65 million. But nobody wants to buy it. They're like, well, no houses in that neighborhood sell for that.

They sell for $3 million. And he goes, not mine. Mine's $65. And that's how he determines that he's worth $10. I'm going to start doing that. It's great. Just tell people, no, you're wrong. Yeah.

But I don't think he can hang at all with the elite politicians when it comes to substance and knowing actual policy, knowing details. That's a good point. But here's the question. Is anybody who's running for president an elite politician? Well, I mean, you'd have to say that Hillary is at least way more savvy and knows a lot more about how certainly you know how the world works international affairs i mean she was secretary of state she knows the ins and outs of a lot of well you would assume she knows that but wouldn't she know not to use a private email account while she's secretary it's crazy it's crazy she should go to jail for that like it's insane that's

something that if somebody wanted to push that's a crime i i don't you're not allowed to do that i still don't understand why even though it's still discussed how you kind of get away with that because it just feels like i don't get it but i mean she said she's certainly a more savvy politician i think than trump i don't know what is savvy though well because he's saying shit that's led him to a 39% lead over any other candidate in the Republican Party. Remember when Ben Carson was climbing? He was ahead of him at one point. For a minute, he was, yeah.

That all dried up. Yeah, I don't know, man. I think people are really into the idea, the fantasy of a Trump. But I still think if you get to a debate, it's not that he wouldn't win. Maybe he'd win, but it would be based on, well, you know, you're a fucking loser. Like, it's like that kind of shit. Well, he says shit like that, but it's weird. No one ever does that, but it seems to work.

Yeah, and then I guess you could argue, see, he is savvy. Yeah. But, I mean, you know, I guess he's not savvy in the traditional sense. I don't think he knows the ins and outs of the way a lot of things work. I think his whole thing is, look, I'm super successful and I'll get it done. Yeah. But a lot of the ways that things work are kind of bullshit. You know, crony politics and influenced by gigantic corporations.

He doesn't have that same sort of influence because he's independently wealthy. There's a lot of weirdness to that. There is. Special interest groups don't really have the same sort of pull on him that they have on other people. No, they can't own him.

They would never let him say the shit that he's saying. Of course not. No. He wants to put a wall between us and Mexico and call it the Trump wall. I just love... Put his fucking name on it. Here's what does amuse me.

Anytime, so if this is CNN and we're in your host of CNN show and I'm somebody saying like, well, you know, Trump is, he's completely unqualified and this claim he made is idiotic. He then tweets, saw Tom Segura on CNN. Guy's always been a fucking loser. Like for whoever, whoever says anything bad, he'll be like, saw his show last week, not one laugh! Exclamation point. Like shit like that. He does that for everyone.

Well, you know, he did that to Ronda Rousey when Ronda got knocked out. He did? Yes. I remember. He said, I'm glad she lost. She's not a good person. Whoa. And you know why he did that?

Because he had claimed that she was she's not a good person whoa and you know why he did that because she uh he had claimed that she was a trump supporter uh-huh and then she said no i support bernie sanders and he was like oh really oh yeah so when she lost he was like she's a loser like before that he was saying that she was a supporter he was like all for it ronda rousey supports me yeah and she was like the fuck i do and he's like she's not a good person i'm glad she lost she's a loser pretty interesting way of she's a loser yeah she's a loser guy's a loser always been a loser bunch of losers yeah remember she was he was going back and forth look at that glad to see that ronda rousey lost her championship fight last night was soundly beaten dash not a nice person what the fuck are you

talking about well what about you you're way more of a dick she's at least not a nice person to sell massive amounts of fucking pay-per-view sales yeah and and you know be the protagonist yeah he tweets about everybody uh the if they write an article in the Washington Post. The Washington Post, which has been on the decline for years, had an article written by this loser. I kind of like that. I know, it's pretty funny. I like that part of him.

Sad. Sad. Not a nice person. You're fired Like that's this whole thing You know I was They gave me an offer

To be on that show I was gonna do it I was thinking about it Really? Yeah I talked to the family Like you guys wanna live in New York For a few months But

You know they fire you In the beginning They do all that You're fired stuff In the beginning Oh really So you don't have a chance To go

Fuck you Oh really Yeah like Before anyone knows Anybody's fired They do all that you're fired stuff in the beginning. Oh, really? So you don't have a chance to go, fuck you. Oh, really? Yeah, like before anyone knows anybody's fired, he fires everybody. Like, Tom, you're fired. And then you get up and leave. Jamie, you're fired. And you get up and walk away. Joe, you're fired.

You get up and walk away. And then they do the show. Oh, okay. Yeah, so you don't get a chance to say, let me tell you what I think about you and your fucking plastic hair you cunt Yeah, you fucking sloppy dummy who got lucky that was probably done once and he was like that's not gonna happen again Well, probably right. I think he probably planned for it in advance. He's probably pretty good chess player. Yeah Yeah, I got a look like I'm always the king but they canceled that show after he talked shit about Mexicans Yeah, and Macy's and did their partnership they had a whole line of you know trump ties and trump ties oh yeah

yeah and they're like we're done we're done with you and then miss you know universe threatened to or nbc threatened to not air his thing oh that's right yeah posted the contract he's like i'll steal your balls off you know so nbc had a contract with him to air Miss Universe. He does Miss Universe? It's his? Well, he sold it. Yeah. But he owned Miss Universe and maybe Miss America, too.

He owned those pageants. That's hilarious. He owned pageants. Yeah. It's just to be around chicks. He literally just bought those to be around chicks. You think so? For sure.

For sure. It's a good move on his part. It's a gangster move. I'm a billionaire. I bought a pageant. I like the Czech Republic this year. What is this? I found some more information about what he inherited.

Okay. He was also, when his father died in 1974, him and his siblings took over a $200 million real estate business, which he may have gotten around $40 million of. The bottom of this says if he invested that since 1974 in the S&P 500, he could be worth around $3 billion today. So it kind of makes sense. But that's also $40 million, not $2.

Right, not even. It's just the one or whatever he was given. What does it say? So his current claimed net worth of $8.7 billion would equate to around $120 million in 1974, which is right in the middle estimates of what he inherited. So that means if he invested that... That doesn't make any sense. That's confusing.

It says the S&P is up 74 fold since 1974. So if he didn't do anything and just left it there, it'd be about 120 million. But if he did other chances and other got good business, things went well for him. It could be worth up to three. Okay. So what they're saying is here, here's a clear example says if he had invested the 40 million in an S&P 500 index fund, he'd be worth about 3 billion today, which is in line with the third party estimates of 3 billion and 4 today, which is in line with the third-party estimates

of $3 billion and $4 billion, which is his net worth. So they estimate between $3 and $4 billion. Yeah. Which is probably right. Still, baller. Baller. Still baller. Doesn't have to listen.

Can do whatever he wants. I like that he's making a mockery of the whole thing. I like a lot of things about him. And apparently Jeff Ross, who did the Trump roast says he's a good guy. So you talk to him, he's a good guy. He knows what he's doing. A lot of this fucking fanfare and this

craziness and all this shit that he's doing, he's mocking this stupid fucking system. He's a smart guy. He knows what he's doing. Look, he's talked shit about Mexicans and he's still the fucking front runner. It's pretty crazy. In a giant way.

He's like, well, someone's raping. Someone's murdering. We're going to let a bunch of rapists and murderers over there. I'm sure there's good people. Everyone over there is a rapist and a murderer. Well, someone's raping. Yeah. Who's doing all the raping?

He's just like, he says crazy shit like that. It flies in the face of, look what happened to that poor fuck, the Mormon. What the fuck's his name that ran for president last time? I know you're talking about Romney. The fuck's his name? Romney. Romney. That poor fuck, all he said was, we don't have to pay attention to the 47% that aren't

going to vote for us. Yeah. The lower 47% that make little money, they're not going to vote for us in the first place, so let's not pay attention to them. That tanked his business. Yeah. That tanked it. Tanked it. They're like, it's over. to vote for us in the first place. So let's not pay attention to them. That tanked his business. That tanked it. Tanked it. They're like, it's over.

It's over, bitch. I know. It's over. How about Howard Dean? All he did was cheer. Ah! And that was it. That was it.

You fragile bitch. You can't even cheer. You can't cheer. You can't scream. Trump can say Mexicans are rapists. And everybody's like, El Chapo wants to kill him. Check these Muslims at the border. Yeah.

We should stop letting them in. So crazy. This is a country founded by letting people in. The only way this country got filled is letting people in. Not those people. These people are running. They're leaving their country because radical Muslim terrorists have taken over it. Yeah.

What was that? His new ad. His first ad came it. Yeah. What was that? His new ad? His first ad came out this week. What is it? What is it? His first ad? Oh, my God. Play this from the beginning.

Play this from the beginning. Crank it. The politicians can pretend it's something else, but Donald Trump calls it radical Islamic terrorism. That's why he's calling for a temporary shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until we can figure out what's going on. He'll quickly cut the head off ISIS and take their oil. And he'll stop illegal immigration by building a wall on our southern border that Mexico will pay for. We want America great again.

Wow. Okay. Okay. He got flack for that shot of the people running. That's not where they were from. That was a shot of Morocco. Yeah. Yeah.

That's pretty funny. That's not America. It's not running across my heels. Just get me some brown people running. Any brown people running in black and white footage. We'll take it. Yeah. I don't know. He brown people running in black and white footage. We'll take it. Yeah. I don't know.

He's entertaining. I will give him that. Oh, fuck yeah. As a show, this is a fun show to watch. It's the best show ever. Yeah. I hope him and Hillary debate. Yeah.

I hope he gets to debate alongside, because I think he'll crush her. Do you think your husband will be back in the White House getting blowjobs like he was? Oh, yeah. He's going to throw some grenades for sure. He doesn't give a fuck. He'll detonate some. It'll be awesome. It will be an event.

And Ben Carson should be involved too, just to tell us that the earth is 10,000 years old and Jesus rode a unicorn through the fucking Garden of Eden. You're a doctor. He's a fucking awesome doctor. Yeah, brain surgeon. He's an amazing neurosurgeon. One of the greatest neurosurgeons this country has ever produced. Really? That accomplished?

Oh, 100%. Yeah. And he doesn't believe in evolution. Wow. Well, he believes. He'll say, well, I believe in certain types of evolution. Jesus. I don't think he's a 10,000 year guy.

I don't think he's one of the young earth Christians. But Sarah Palin was. Sarah Palin talked to, allegedly, obviously this is all anecdotal, but she allegedly talked to a librarian in Alaska and told the librarian that she saw photos on the internet of a dinosaur footprint with a human footprint inside of it. What? Which means dinosaurs and people were in the same area walking. Is that recorded? No, it would be amazing if it was.

Yeah. A lot of young earth Christians, man. I don't know the argument that they make for carbon footprinting things. Bullshit. It's just a bullshit. Made by losers. Not a nice person. That guy that said that's fucking dumb.

I know who you're talking about. He's always been a loser. I'm waiting for the day when no one runs for president. I'm waiting for the day where the fucking roster is just, everybody gives up. It's like, as soon as we can read minds and figure out exactly what people, what their intention is and what their past is, and you have to sign up for the mind reading machine in order to be president. Yeah.

That's going to be the end. It's a wrap i do think i i look at it so much differently now at this age when i see people i'm like you're just they're all just egomaniacs oh yeah their egos are climbing out of their skin to want to be to go through that to be the president well obama's publicly stated that it's not what he thought it was and that all these people that are lining up to do it like listen the fame wears off is what he said and then people criticized him by taking that quote out of context and showing a bunch of pictures of him with famous people smiling and laughing handing out with jay-z and rich people and ha ha ha ha ha and then there was this whole story about his vacations, how much his vacations cost

while he was in the White House. All the president's vacations cost a ton. All of them. Well, they have to fly in Air Force One, and they got Secret Service everywhere. They fly out the vehicles. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Well, they have bulletproof cars.

Yeah. They have to. It was his Hawaiian vacations. Apparently, during his time in the White House, it's been $70 million taxpayers have had to pay. That's a lot of money. It's a little pricey. Jesus Christ.

It is a little pricey. It's a good trip, though, man. We had a great time on that trip. Remember that? Golfing. He was golfing. That $70 million trip we took? Yeah.

Jesus. He was golfing. When the San Bernardino murders were taking place, he went golfing out there with his little skinny legs, picking up golf balls. Yeah. Dude doesn't do any squats. Dude, there's this shooting going on. Man, I'm trying to play this back nine. Give me a second.

Why do they all play golf? Can you be president? There's two things you can't be if you want to be president. You can't be someone who doesn't believe in God, and you can't be someone who doesn't play golf. I think we're about to see maybe a change to that. What, Hillary? I don't think she plays. She's going to be golfing if she wins.

Bernie? You think if he won, he would play? Well, first of all, I'll make golf illegal, and I'll turn those places into places where the homeless people live. Yeah, he would be like, these courses are a waste of space. They are. Yeah. The courses. I don't have a good Bernie impression.

I need to get a good Bernie impression. Have you seen, I think it's James Adomian. Who's that? He's a comic and an actor. He does a good Bernie. He's unbelievable. Oh, let's find it. How do you spell his last name?

I think it's A-D-O-M-I-A-N. Jamie? James Adomian. I think that's it. Bernie Fandeth. Oh, you know who else does a good one? He's really funny. Steven Crowder. He it. Bernie Sanders. Oh, you know who else does a good one? His Bernie Sanders is really funny. Steven Crowder.

He calls it Bernie Claus. Steven Crowder fucking mocks Bernie pretty heavy. Really? Yeah, he's pretty funny in his Bernie Claus impression. You know who Crowder is? He's kind of like an internet comedian, but politically conservative. He did a really funny thing. You know, social justice warriors are always saying that you should

ask people what their correct gender pronouns are because some people like to use Z and H-I-R and all these different non-conventional gender pronouns because they're either gender queer and they don't want to be labeled

in a specific male or female gender. Your setup for this is exhausting, just so you know. Jesus. I want to punch whoever fucking told you this. It's the worst thing I've ever heard. God. I'm having an aneurysm right now. I'm just thinking about where this is going to go.

Well, this is real. You're not on the... See, you're paying attention to Throatzilla. And I'm paying attention to ridiculous social requirements that people in college today are asking people to do. And they want people to ask other people's social... They have this real rigid idea of how you're supposed to behave socially. That you're supposed to ask their preferred gender pronouns.

Like I can't just assume that you are a man. I have to ask you. I'm not kidding. I know. There's a guy, we had this guy on who was a guest who said that one of his colleagues was, I think he was fired because he refused to this. He had a student in his class that would change his gender pronoun from him to her and her to him. And it would go back and forth, back and forth on depending on what days of the week, like

some days he wanted to be a girl and some days he wanted to be a boy. And this, this professor was not willing to do that. And so he was fired. Good for the professor. That's one where I a hundred percent support. If you're going back and forth on today she is here and tomorrow he might be back like maybe it's tomorrow i'm z i'm not her i'm z and then the next day i'm h-i-r her all right i give the fuck up well you know harvard released

a list of of possible gender pronouns yes and so like they sent it home with people to like, I want you to be aware of these potential gender pronouns and gender neutral pronouns that you should be aware that people want them to use. Fuck me. I would just walk around. I would go, he. And then if someone was like, no, I'd be like, whatever. I'm sorry.

You have a fucking beard, lady. I'm sorry. You're a he. Jesus Christ. You can't have a fucking Tom Segura style beard and beard. She? No. Her.

Maybe you Z. You're Z. Z. Z Segura? Z. Z Segura? Mister? Can I say mister? No. No. Z. Z Segura. Z. Z Segura. Mr. Can I say Mr.?

No. No. Well, when he was in class. Oh, excuse me. When Z was in class. When Z was in class. When her was in class. So are.

H-I-R. They're really. Here. Using. Oh, yeah. Z. Oh, yeah. Z was.

Z-H-E. Here it is. Gender binary. These are gender binary. He, she, her, him. But gender neutral. Are they, them, theirs? Like some people on their Twitter page have preferred gender pronouns.

Use pronouns. Z, H-I-R, H-I-R-S, Z-H-E-E. Here, here's. Here, here. How about here? Pronunciation. H-I-R is here. How about here pronunciation hir is here It's not even her Z Zer Zeres

Zeres Sometimes Z is crazy they spell with an XE Looks like another class. I would have failed. Okay, I would really I would have run right through the fucking door Get me out boom I would really, I would have run right through the fucking door. I would have never even bothered to open it. Jesus Christ. No! Get me out! Boom! I would have been like the Kool-Aid guy.

I would have left my outline like in the cartoons. Gone. I'm gone. I'm not doing it, man. I'm really not doing it. What the fuck, man? What is going on? I'll tell you what's going on.

Everybody got a trophy. Participation trophies. Yeah, I'm against that for sure. Oh, that's what did it. Everybody got attention for who they are. I'm amazing on my own right. No. I'm a hearer. I'm a zeer. I remember losing games and it sucked.

That was part of the thing is that you remember it sucks. Yeah, that's why winning is awesome. Winning is awesome because you're not a loser. Yeah. Yeah, when no one's a loser, winning. Winning is awesome because you're not a loser. Yeah. Yeah, when no one's a loser, winning isn't awesome anymore. Right. Because everybody gets participation trophies. No.

Yeah, well, my daughter, when she was three, she was playing soccer and no one won. I was like, what do you mean no one won? This team scored five. That team scored zero. That team fucking won. Nope. We don't celebrate that. I'm going to look into a league for my kid that definitely has winners and losers.

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Well, when my daughter played softball, too, and she was six. This was not even the three-year-old. When my seven-year-old was six, she was playing softball, and they didn't count the score. I don't get it, man. They would run, and everybody would high-five. Everybody would know what to count the score. They wouldn't count it, man. They would run and everybody would high five, everybody would know what he'd count score. They wouldn't count.

It's just about playing. The bullshit. Bullshit. What's the point in hitting the ball then? Yeah. How about we just throw the ball around? How about you just hit balls randomly? No.

Someone's pitching, you're trying to hit it. If you don't hit it, you're a loser. Okay? Yeah. You suck at this. You know what I suck at? T-ball. Where the ball sits on the tee and it doesn't move.

I had trouble with that. I couldn't hit the tee. Well, that's the other thing they do with kids. If they can't hit the pitch, they give them a couple pitches and they can't hit it, then they put it on the little stick. And they set it up for them and they hit it. And they get them on base, for sure. A lot of times, yeah.

A lot of times they don't even hit the fucking, they don't even hit the ball. They hit the stick itself and the ball falls down and they just start running like this won the World Series Yeah, I got a t-ball pretty quick, you know I was bad at every sport until I did martial arts I was okay at baseball but I wasn't a good baseball player because I wouldn't listen to the coach ever They would say go on there and try to hit a single. Okay, whatever. And I'd get up to the plate every time.

Every time. Swing for the bleachers. You know why? Because I hit a couple of them, and it was awesome. It's the best. When you feel that tink, that crack of the bat, and that ball starts flying through the air, you're like, yeah! Sweet spot, man.

There's that feeling, man. There's that feeling, man. Yeah. There's that feeling that you only get when you hit a home run. Of course. You don't get that feeling when you get on base. No. That's like, oh, okay, I'm not a loser. When you get on base, you're like, I'm not a loser. But when you, you watch that thing fucking sail into the bleachers, you're a winner.

Winner. Now you're a winner. You won. I agree. You hit a home run. You come back, everybody's high-fiving you, and the coach is like, I're a winner. Winner. Now you're a winner. You won. I agree. You hit a home run. You come back, everybody's high-fiving you, and the coach is like, I told you to get on base. You could fuck all the way off, dummy.

I just hit a home run. Yeah, that's why in football they always try to teach you when you tackle to wrap up. They're like, lower your body, head to the side, shoulder into the chest, and then you wrap up. But you know what you try to do? You try to light people up so you throw fucking and you miss you know you you the guy bounces off of it but every once in a

while you lay somebody the fuck out and you're like what's up now so that's that's why you do that you know that is why you do that what the fuck is wrong with these coaches? Raising a bunch of pussies that want to be called Z. Or her. Or Zer. Shit is wild. Zer. Zer. Well, let's see the Bernie impression. Do we have it?

Do we fire it up? What's his name again? James Adomian. Where's he at? He's here. He's an LA guy. Oh, okay. Pop.

Let's go full screen on this bitch. Give James Adomian some props. Yeah, he's funny, dude. 2016 bipartisan debate. Donald Trump versus Bernie Sanders. My fellow Americans, I am running for president so that in the unlikely event that I am elected to office and there's not an immediate military coup d'etat to take me out of power,

there's not an immediate military coup d'etat to take me out of power. This country will engage in an unprecedented revolution politically to take on the billionaire class. That's really good. That's really good. Because in a society where the top

1% of the top 10% of the top 1% of the top 10% of the top one percent of the top 10 percent of the top one percent of the top 10 percent for those of you not tracking it that's 0.0000001 of the top one this is a great country this is a great country this is a a great country. This is a fun place. That's pretty good, too. Yeah. And I promise, I'm killing everyone in the polls.

I can guarantee this. I'm killing everyone in the polls. And if I'm elected president, I will kill everyone. I promise you that. I can promise you that. Here's some facts, okay? The minute I become president, we start the Anchor Baby program, where we start bronzing Mexican immigrants and putting them on naval ships so that they're put to use finally.

I'm just saying, bronze them and make it a real thing. It's no longer an offensive metaphor. Now, I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking. Bernie, you look like you're running for president of the Muppet Show. Look at his fucking hair. It's crazy. They grew to the leftuppet Show. Look at his fucking hair. They grew to the left and the right.

It's two wings. I was forcibly held down in a cotton candy machine. That is true. But it happened while I was simultaneously being struck by lightning, giving me a rare superpower where I am simultaneously

completely bald and I have more hair than anyone else what a guy nearly impossible to get off that's great and so is the I don't know the Trump guy's name what is his name

if you highlight the video Anthony James Adamian Anthony Adam Manwick Anthony, what is it? James Adamian. Adamian. Adamian. And Anthony. Adam Manwick. Boy. Yeah.

Both immigrants, obviously. Both names. Yeah. Both probably Muslim terrorists. Probably. Snuck in no more. Probably. That's funny.

He does a really good Trump, too. Yeah. That's good. That Trump is good. It's really good. But that fucking Bernie Sanders is on point. It really is, man. Oh, oh, oh. And talking fucking Bernie Sanders is on point. It really is, man. All along.

And talking about the percentages of the percentage, it's like he got the substance of it down, too. Well, everybody's looking for somebody that comes along and stands out as being the counter to what we're experiencing. Yeah. No one feels like any of these people represent them, except maybe Ted Cruz fans. There's a few fucking weirdos. I like the guys that still stay in it you know when they know there's not even a shot they have that that level of denial

you're just in denial or they're hoping yeah but there's a certain point where you know it's not it's not going to turn around they still like I don't know I still got a shot you know you don't have a shot yeah I mean is is Jeb still in it? Is he still in it? I think Jeb is laying back. This is my thought. My thought is Jeb is rope-a-doping. He's letting all these people beat each other up, and he's laying way back. And I think he's going to be the eventual Republican nominee.

Really? That's what I believe. His numbers are terrible, aren't they? Yep, and he's not trying. He's not trying to do anything about it. He's got a long way to go. Yeah. November right? Which is almost a year from now. Think about

what can happen publicly in a year. In a year people become superstars from no name to superstars in this world. The world we're experiencing today. Yeah that's true. This is a different world. You gotta be careful and if you're a media savvy guy and I gotta assume that anybody who if you're a media savvy guy, and I

gotta assume that anybody who grows up where his fucking dad was president and his brother was president, boy, if anybody understands that business, it's him and Hillary. Yeah. But Hillary looks so tired. She looks exhausted. She looks exhausted. She looks super

unhealthy. Here's a thought. Ready? Hillary Clinton and Christie Brinkley are essentially the same age. Are they? Aren't they? I don't know. I bet they are. I bet they're fucking close.

Who would you rather hook up with? Hillary. Just for the story? Yeah. It's a good story. Christie Brinkley. It's like, so you're going to marry her, bro? Yeah. Well, Hillary, like, ew story Yeah, it's a good story Christy Brinkley, it's like, so you're gonna marry her, bro? Yeah

Well, Hillary's like, ew, what were you thinking? Dude, I was doing coke And I had fucking Viagra in me Yeah, I did 200 milligrams of Viagra I did 10 lines of coke I drank a bottle of tequila I was on ecstasy And I ate mushrooms

She's had a real dog, too So she was on ecstasy and I ate mushrooms. She's had a real dog too, so she's had some savage sex, I think. You think so? Sure. She probably hasn't been fucked in forever. You don't think so? She's probably been a lesbian for the last 30 or 40 years, at least. Just hangs in there with them? They made a deal.

I think they made a deal. Let's just take a picture together. What do I know? What the fuck do I know? I'm talking shit. But I gotta assume first of all, if you got a guy like Bill, you get to know him, you know that dude's a freak. He's a whip his dick out type freak. Oh, yeah. He's one of those guys like, hey, how are you? What do we have here?

That's my dick. Belongs in your mouth. Look at that. Christy Binkley. Bam. Bam. Now, look at how, but that. Christie Binkley. Bam. Bam. Now look at how, but that's a really

good picture. That's a really good picture of Hillary too, by the way. There's some horrific pictures of Hillary. You can find some monstrous ones. That's probably from about 30, 40 years ago too. How long ago was that picture? It says it's November 21st. So two months old.

Lies. That's Photoshop. The same people that girls are on Instagram, they use that. She's listed as 68 and Christy Brinkley 61, so seven-year gap. Seven-year gap. Whatever. There's no way that Christy Brinkley's going to look that bad in seven years. You don't think so? Go for a better picture of Christy Brinkley.

That can happen in seven years. Because that's one of her... Look at that. Look at her face right there. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Dude, that look at her face right there get the fuck out of here yeah dude she's hot but she's also genetically gifted you know that's a that's a that's her gift to look like that you don't think so i mean there's a lot involved it's not just genetics involved she certainly was genetically gifted at the jump to have that bone structure.

Yeah. But there's a lot involved there. First of all, there's massive exercise, diet. She takes care of herself. Yeah, for sure. Got to be some Botox and some cautious use of fillers. Kegels. Yeah. Look at that one right there.

Like, come on, man. That's a hot 35-year-old. Right. How is that possible? How is that? That doesn't make any sense. Why aren't her teeth rotting out of her fucking head are those real they can't be real teeth probably not hers yeah

those teeth are made out of like ivory from murdered elephants yeah those aren't real teeth and you know what fucking my grandmother died when she was like 64 and her teeth looked like shit why is she so so hot? I appreciate the effort, too. By the way, her forehead would not move if you had 100 Mexicans and six trucks trying to move it. Yeah, it's... All the moving trucks in the world

are not going to make that fucking forehead move. That thing is frozen in time like a bully mammoth trapped underneath a glacier. Nothing's moving. Look at the fucking forehead. That shit ain't moving. Like a like a bully mammoth trapped underneath a glacier Nothing Look at the fucking forehead that shit ain't moving. She barely has some lines on the corner of her eyes. That's it She's hot as fuck though. Yeah, whatever she's doing everyone should do it We should all do it And by the way, this is what we're seeing from this rare of rare the 1% of the 1% of the 1% this is she

is the rarest of the rare when it comes to like women in their 60s that are still hot as fuck she's a hundred percent hot as fuck right that is what women are gonna look like in the future there's this doctor doctor I think his name Peter Welling they got same guy who created Regenerke in that blood spinning procedure they are literally months away from launching some new treatment where it reignites your body's ability to produce collagen. Yeah.

And so collagen is what makes your face turn all Hillary. Yeah. Like hang and droop and it loses all its elasticity. They're going to bring that shit right back to life. And your face pops up. No more like when women get those old old lady elbows yeah where the skin's just hanging nobody wants to see that so what will they do they'll just i don't know i don't understand the procedure but it'll tighten up on you

you're going to your body's collagen production is going to re-kickstart it's going to just jam back into your skin and your cells are going to flourish and they're just going to re-kickstart. It's going to just jam back into your skin, and your cells are going to flourish, and they're just going to fucking look elastic. And yeah, you're going to, ooh, wonderful again. I like it. Yeah. I like us all walking around all tight-faced. Yeah, hot.

Mm-hmm. Crazy. Yeah. Can you imagine? Yeah. Yeah. Old ladies are going to snap back to life. Start strength training again. Build their butt up.

And they'll be looking for it. They'll still have old lady feet. Yeah. Keep socks on. Keep those socks on. Big, thick socks. So I don't even see the twisted shape underneath. And that heel crust that won't go away.

Ooh, heel crust. Don't they have treatments for that, though? They sand it down, right? Yeah, there's commercials for it. Poma stones. They're always trying to, things that'll just shave it off, but I don't know. Have you ever seen that show, Dual Survivor? Yes.

Wait, is that the one where it's a couple ex-military guys and they drop them off? Yeah, they're wandering around. Yeah. They survive. Drop them off in a lake or something. It's like sort of a fake version of Survivor Man with two dudes. Yes. But one of the guys who's a survival expert, and I use air quotes for that.

I'm sure he's an expert. Yeah. But I think his name is Cody. He's completely crazy. He doesn't wear shoes ever, ever. So he goes through the jungle, wandering through the jungle barefoot. And his feet are a fucking atrocity. They have to be.

They have to be. They're a crime against nature. His feet. He doesn't wear shoes. Ever. Ever. So he's just developed these insanely thick calluses on his feet. Like his photos of his feet online.

What is that? That's his feet. Well, that's a good photo. His feet look great there. But you got to Well, that's a good photo. His feet look great there, but you gotta see what his feet look like when they get close up on the bottoms of them. I've seen some horrific

photos of what his feet look like, but he just walks everywhere through the jungle. There's his heel. Oh my fucking god. Look how thick it is. It's all cracked and everything. Jesus Christ. It's called Dual Survivor. Yeah, there's his heel. Oh, my fucking God. Look how thick it is. It's all cracked and everything. Jesus Christ. It's called dual survivor.

Yeah. There's the bottoms of his feet. Look at that. I don't want to. That's so gross. Made my eyes water. He's got elephant skin feet. God.

Yeah. Well, that's what people did. Yeah, for sure. It is weird that we have clothes. And shoes. Yeah. Well, that's what people did. Yeah, for sure. It is weird that we have clothes. And shoes. Yeah. I mean, for years, I mean, obviously many, many years, everybody walked and ran everywhere barefoot. Yeah.

Well, that's why it's strange to see someone naked. What are you doing? You don't have any clothes on. Who's the first person to wear clothes? Who's the first person to come out of the cave? And you're like, what the fuck are you doing? This guy's got underwear on. It's a guy with a little dick.

Had to be. Had to be. He saw a couple others. He was like, what the fuck is that thing? When do you think little dicks started surviving? That's a trait. Right. Somebody with a little dick had to fuck somebody. Right. But that had to be like... I don't know if that's a... a trait right right somebody with a little dick had to fuck somebody like but that had to be like i don't know if that's i mean is it a trait because

everybody with a big dick has a big dick son i don't know you imagine if you have a giant dick your kid has a little tiny micro dick man i know fuck you're not my son yeah you probably start thinking that fucking whore she's banging some little dick, guys. She got tired of my big dick. My son's three weeks old. Giant hog? No, we have about the same size dick, though. His body, proportion-wise, about lines up.

Can you imagine if your son was born with just a giant hog? Yeah. He comes out. Why does he have two umbilical? Oh, my God. It's his hog. It's his hog. It's his hog. By the time he's a baby, it's hard every day.

The balls look big. How big? I don't know. You know, their body, you know, it's so small, the baby's so small. And then you see, like, a ball bag that stands out for the size of the baby. Do you know that the size of the testicles is directly proportionate to the amount of promiscuous women who are in the area? Well, there's some fucking sluts where I live. Because he's got big balls on him.

Well, they actually say that the human body adapts to the amount of promiscuous women that are in the area. And your balls. That's so crazy. That's how it is with primates. The more promiscuous the women are in the area the larger the testicles are of the primate that's why chimps have giant balls but gorillas have little tiny balls little tiny balls and little tiny dicks for chimps for gorillas for gorillas because chimp chimp women are hookers right they're just sluts. But gorilla women, they mind their P's and Q's. They fucking keep it in line.

Right. And the gorilla has a harem. He's got a harem. Yeah. A big fucking pile of bitches. And he just sticks his little tiny dick in there. Fast and easy. The chimp, they just fuck.

Everybody fucks everybody. And when you're not looking, they fuck. And what's the super slutty? The super slutty bonobos. Yeah. So they must have some dicks on them. Giant dicks, giant balls. Yep.

Yep. They're balls. Chimp balls are giant. And that's the reason why they're giant. But they have observed that in humans. Like, there's a direct relation to the size of the testicles. Because the more sluts there are in the area, the more competition there is to get your sperm in.

So you have to produce more sperm. So you have to have larger balls. Yeah. How about that? That's something, man. I didn't know that. It's pretty nuts. Yeah.

In primates, there's a direct connection. They used to think that there was different kinds of sperm. There was a book written called Sperm Wars, but it's been largely disproven. And the idea behind that book was that there's different kinds of sperm. There's actual sperm that attack other sperm. They go in there and they attack other sperm. It turns out to not be true. There's no evidence that sperm have any other duty other than coming, you know, hitting eggs and trying to get people pregnant.

Yeah. They don't have any other properties. They don't actually kill sperm. It sounds like a good premise for a movie, though. Sounds like an awesome premise. Killer jizz. Yeah. She went blind.

She got the killer jizz in her eye. Evil sperm. Yeah. I like it. Yeah. If you're, like, around a lot of promiscuous women, like on a porn set, then that jizz that gets in a girl's eyes could probably blind her It's just looking at kill other sperm

Burrow into your eye like little fucking piranhas Chewing away through the or if outer a on one of those those those mugs that it starts bubbling because there's mean ones in there Froth like you like a fucking feeding frenzy in the mug if you bet a bunch of guys jizz in the mug Gang fight in the calm Frothing like boiling water Have you ever gone fishing Where there's a feeding frenzy Yes I have actually

I was in Mexico And it was awesome man Because I took my kids My kids love fishing It's really fun Yeah they love it Because it's fun for little kids Like if you can get them near where the fish are

And they actually catch one, it's so exciting. Then they get to eat it. They're so happy. Like, we caught this. I'm eating it and we caught it, mommy. They're so excited. But we went out in Mexico and there was like 100 yards, like a football field size, of all these jacks, like amberjs i guess they are skip jacks yeah and they were crushing these bait fish so they're like anchovies or something like that or minnows whatever the

fuck it is and they're smashing these things and the whole like football field size is just frothing and all you had to do is get close to it and cast a lure in there and then bam and the girls were like ah and they're holding on to the rod and you know i have to get close to it and cast a lure in there. Yeah, and then you pull something out. And then bam. And the girls were like, ah! And they're holding on to the rod. And I have to hold on to it with them. Otherwise, the fish will literally pull the rod in the water. Right. It was wild, man.

It's wild. Yeah, fishing is a pretty good time. I haven't done it in a while. Fucking love it. It's fun. It's so fun, man. I just love the idea that you can go out into that water and catch lunch. You just go out there and bring home dinner.

Yeah. It's like not a store. And if you ever had fish that's caught, like they prepared it for us. We caught a couple different kinds of fish. We caught a, when I was in Hawaii, we caught an ono. They call it, or it's a wahoo, but they call them onos. And an ono is delicious. It's such a delicious fish. and it's a big fish too.

So we couldn't have even eaten all of it, so I gave half of it to the guy who ran the boat, and then we took half of it, and half of the fish was enough for my whole family. Everybody ate it. And they ate it, they prepared it a bunch of different ways. They made sashimi out of it. They baked it, and they grilled it. So they gave a bunch of different ways. They made sashimi out of it. They baked it and they grilled it.

So they gave us like three different preparations. And oh, they even made ceviche. Yeah, they made ceviche as well. What city were you in doing this? That was in Maui. Wow. Yeah. It was really awesome, man.

No, actually, that was on the Big Island. But I love Hawaii, man. I wish it wasn't so far. I know. But that's why it's awesome. It's because it's so far. Yeah. If it was right there, it'd be like Mexico.

Just go right there. But Mexico's pretty badass, too, man. Did you go there recently? Mexico? Yeah. I was there last year. What area? Punta Mita, I think it's called.

Is that Puerto Vallarta? Is that what it is? I don't know. I've been- Puerto Vallarta? Yeah, I went to Tulum Tulum is nice that was cool I'm next time I go

I want to go where the Aztec pyramids are because when I was in Mexico City I've been to Mexico City twice last year for the UFC and but when I go man I just fucking chill in my

hotel I work out it's pretty crazy city right it's nuts yeah it's chaos first of all the pollution is worse than anything you've ever seen in your life. Really? Oh, my God. I took photos and put it on my Instagram, and people thought it was bullshit.

Really? It's insane. Like, the photos on Instagram that I put up, it looks like you're in a fire. Like, it looks like there's a fire. Oh, it's crazy. It's way worse than L.A. It's like L.A. in 20 years if Donald Trump becomes president. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's the biggest city in the world. Is it? Yeah, I believe so. More than Chinese cities like Beijing? Those aren't people. Oh, right, right, right. I don't know.

I'm pretty sure it's the biggest. It might be just the biggest in North America. You might be right. Yeah, they might have Chinese cities with 100 billion people. I think Tokyo is the biggest last time we looked this up. Tokyo? Yeah, it's like 22, 3, 30 million. It's a lot.

I saw a thing. Doesn't LA have 20 million? No. It's not official. Well, let's Google the world. Let's guess right now. I'll tell you this. I have a guess on a couple of things.

LA County, not city. County is probably 13, 14 million. You're not counting Mexicans. Am I not? How many illegal aliens are there in California? No one has a fucking clue. Seven million. Isn't that hilarious?

Yeah. It might be true. Yeah. Seven million. Illegals. Yeah. 13 million regular. Yeah.

Normal people. Normal people. What is that? It says 3. regular normal people. Normal people. What is that? It says 3.8 for LA. Bullshit. I think that's like LA City proper. That's exactly what that is. That's the horseshit.

That's LA City proper. That's Los Feliz. Yeah. He's right. Wow. But that's not counting. That's, you know, that's not the greater metropolitan area. Yeah.

That's the thing is that LA is not really a city. Right. It's, you know, it seems like it's a city. Whoa, what is 18 million? Greater Los Angeles area, 18 million. 18.5. Yeah, that seems... That's more likely.

That seems... See, the thing about when I say L.A. is not a city, what I mean is New York City is a city. It's only New York City. You go there and you're like, oh, now we're in the city. And people say, oh, we left the city. Greater Tokyo is 35 million. Oh, my God. 27% of the nation's entire population.

Wow. Now, how about China's cities? Because I saw something that said they have something like 10, maybe more than 10 cities in china with 20 million or more people oh my god jesus christ china cities there you go list of cities wow look at that. Wow. Look at that. Wait a minute. Look at that first city.

We don't even know what fucking city that is. What's area? Hold on. What's the population? Guangzhou. Guangzhou has 12,700,000. Okay. So Shanghai, 23.

Jesus. 23 for Shanghai. What is Beijing? Beijing. That says administrative area. 19. That's not the real... But see, the problem with this is you're leaving this up to people in China to count their people. Yeah.

Okay, there's a city that you never heard of that has 28 million. Chong, pong, chong. What is that? Chonggo, chongo. I think you did an admirable attempt. Isn't that funny? Yeah. That if you do that, you're an asshole.

Yeah, of course. You know, if you incorrectly pronounce Asian cities in a humorous way, you're a terrible person. Of course. You can't say Chong, Chong, Chong. You can't say that. Well, you just did. But I'm a bad person.

Right. Of course. I'm a bad person. Isn't that funny? Chong. Guangzhou. Guangzhou. Guangzhou. Population. 2015. Isn't that funny? Guangzhou. Guangzhou.

Population. 2015. What do we got here? 14 million? Yeah. Yeah. According to who? Guangzhouians.

They're not counting. They're not counting. For real. They're hiding their babies, too. For real. For real. And you're only allowed to have women. 30 million additional. 30 million migrants.

Living in the area for six months out of the year. What? What? Oh, my God. So they have 13 million and 30 million. 30 million people just kind of sitting around. They don't really live here. There are snowbirds.

You're living there. You're living there. You're living there. You can't say migrants. No. You're fucking with your numbers, man. That's Hollywood logic. Yeah.

Or Hollywood arithmetic. Yeah. When they do Hollywood accounting Hollywood arithmetic. Yeah. When they do Hollywood accounting on movies, we have a movie that made $100 million, and they tell the actors, I'm sorry. No profit. We didn't really make that kind of money. Yeah, we'd love to give you what you deserve,

but we can't because the accounting says we didn't make any money. Yeah. Hmm. That's how they do it with record companies too, right? Yep. Have you seen Soaked in Ble in bleach yeah that's something that i have to watch i'm so it's courtney there's a documentary about courtney love eddie bravo and brendan schaub were fucking raving about oh really saying that she killed kurt cobain and her former bodyguard or private investigator, apparently. He's the one who recorded all these

conversations with her. It's another Netflix jammy. No, it's a documentary. But it's on Netflix, right? Yeah. We were talking about Narcos. You just started that. Yeah, Narcos. Narcos is the shit. Fucking Netflix is killing it lately.

F is for Family, the Bill Burr series. Hilarious. Bloodline. The new Bob and Dave show. Yeah. Mr. Show. They're doing a new version of it. With Bob and David, yeah.

I don't know what they're calling it. With Bob and David. That's what it's called? With Bob and David? It's funny, man. Yeah, I've been seeing it. It's really good. I saw the Aziz Ansari show.

Yeah? It's okay. It's been rave reviews. the Zee's Ansari show. It's okay. It's been rave reviews. Zee's Ansari shows? Yeah, for sure. I haven't seen it. Bloodline. It's not bad. You watched the whole thing? I watched the first episode. It's okay. I mean, I had a couple laughs. You know who was funny in it? Eric Werheim.

Tim and Eric? Yeah. He's fucking hilarious. That guy's a maniac. He's really funny. He's funny. He's funny in that. But Bob and David, maybe the problem is I compared it to Bob and David. Maybe if I watched it on its own, I would like it more. But Bob and David was fucking funny. Like, really good.

I just got into The Killing and ran through that, which was an AMC show that ended up on Netflix, and then Netflix paid for a fourth season. Really? That series, I loved it. I loved the killing. What is it about? It's about these two Seattle homicide detectives, but it's really good, you know, storytelling. Basically, it's

them following a murder per season. And they really, you know, it makes it super engaging. It's cliffhanger stuff where it ends. You're like, fucking press play on the next one. Isn't that crazy too? They release. That's one of the things where Netflix figured it out.

They just released the entire season in one gulp. Of course. Binge watch it, man. Yeah. House of Cards. Everything. They had House of Cards. I watched House of Cards too.

I watched one and a half episodes. That's all I've seen. But I saw it on a plane American Airlines has Netflix on a fucking plane well that one I'll tell you

I think you get three episodes in the House of Cards consider it oh you're done you're gonna watch the whole fucking thing

if you make it that far really yeah it gets better pilots are tough I think yeah the more you watch shows like that

you understand that pilots are tough to introduce a world introduce, make you care about what's going on. But once, if you can get over that hurdle and you get to the second or third and when it's good, like I said, Bloodline, I was totally impressed with after I got through a couple episodes. through a couple episodes. And Fargo, which is not a Netflix thing, but both of those seasons, the first season pilot of Fargo is just one of the best pilots I've ever seen. I never hear about Fargo.

I never hear about it. It's so fucking good. Really? I think it might be the best show on television. God damn it, Tommy. Yes. How are you saying this? You gotta check it out.

Wow. I'll give you... What? What are you gonna give check it out. Wow. I'll give you Give me I have it on DVD man, but you can also just digitally give me some shit You can also just you know on demand. It's on demand Effects you really care did give me I'll give you the fucking thing Give it to you. It's it on it's on Netflix. No it's on but if you have Apple TV Oh, you go to FX FX onand, you can just watch it on demand.

Apple TV is another thing. That is the shit. Netflix is built in. Just $99, man. Netflix built in. It's great. And the new one apparently is even better. I got the last generation.

I don't have the, is the new generation out? Of what? Of Apple TV? I got the old shit. I don't even have the new shit. There's new shit. There's a new one. The remote's better and all that. It's way easier

to use. It's faster. The remote's better. Ooh. Ooh. I might have to get a second Apple TV. Isn't there a way you can make a remote with your phone? You turn your phone into a remote? That's some shit. That's some Jamie shit. Well, they've been doing that with Android phones for a while. Some Android phones actually have like an

IR thing in the front. You can like point it at your TV and you can actually change channels. The Apple guy was trying to get me when I was in the store. He's like, oh,

get these, buy these lights. What? And then your phone can control lights and make them different colors in your home.

we have those. Okay. They're here. They're here? Never install them. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Well, I don't have that kind of time, dude. I go, dude, come on, just let me get

a fucking laptop. Yeah, and then someone hacks my phone and turns the fucking lights on. Right. Off and on while I'm sleeping. It's no fun. Bullshit.

It's bullshit. It is bullshit, man. It's a light switch. My wife installed these stupid fucking light panels in my house. Mm-hmm. They're like a little computer where you have to touch it. It's a touch screen thing. It's so stupid.

She likes it because it looks cool. Of course. But they don't click. There's not a click. So when you walk in a room and the light's off, you can't just touch it. You have to look at it, find out where the white light is,

touch that, and then it turns on. It's glass. There's no tactile feel. It's horse shit. Horse shit. How do you feel about curved TVs? Curved TVs are dog shit. They can suck my dick. How about that? All right? I was looking for an opinion I want a flat TV. Yeah, damn it. I'm not looking at sitting a fucking cockpit of a jet. Yeah

Why why is it curved? I don't know. What am I have to look left look right look forward? I don't know where to look I want it right in front of me and flat You know what not too big how about that? What size are you talking about? TVs can get too fucking big. What size are you talking about? These assholes, they're 100-inch TV. What the fuck are you looking at? What are you going up to?

55? How close are you? How about you get a smaller TV and sit closer, you fuck? You've got a 100-inch TV. We've got to sit a mile away from that fucking thing to take in the entire image? That's stupid. What about projectors? Those are dog shit. I've had one. Dog shit? They take a couple seconds the entire image? That's stupid. What about projectors? That's stupid. Those are dog shit.

I've had one. Dog shit? They take a couple seconds to boot up. They're stupid. If someone steps in front of it, you see that person on the screen. So TV's the way to go. TV's are definitely the way to go. The image is better, too.

And I've had several generations of projectors. Were you at my house when I had the projector room? Yes. Yeah. That's all gone now. There's a pool table in there i gutted that room oh you did yeah i changed it i did not but um when i the the projector was there when i got there when i moved in they uh it was one i had to buy it and it was stupid i shouldn't have bought it i should have told him take that wonky hunk of shit and get out of here. I own your house. Take the bricks. But the light, if the curtains were open even a little,

you couldn't watch TV. Yeah, that sucks. You had to make it so dark you couldn't see anything. You had to get blackout curtains. You had to get blackout curtains. You had to shut the door. If anybody opened the door while we were watching TV, close the door! You can't see the fucking screen! That sucks. It was so stupid. So then we got the next generation of projector, which is smaller.

It's a lower profile. And it was much, much, much better. And then I got a big TV in there. And I was like, these things are stupid. Projectors are stupid. They're just not as good. It's not as good. All right.

I mean, I'm just thinking about it. You thinking about it? I love, you know, I love watching movies and all that. Just get a TV. Badass TV. You want a nice TV. They have 4K TVs now. Like, this is a 4K TV.

This fucking thing looks so good. The resolution is so high end. It's so pretty that when you're looking at an image, like, it doesn't get any better than that. You know, my new special's in 4K. Oh, my goodness. Your new special is in 4K. Oh my goodness! Your new special that's out this Friday on Netflix? January 8th. What's it called?

It's called Mostly Stories. Why'd you call it Mostly Stories? I just figured I'd tell stories and, you know, even though it's not the whole special is not stories. Is the story about your doctor in this one? That's in my other special. Oh. It's in my other special. I fucking love that story. Yeah, that one.

You know that I get a breakdown of what does the best from SoundExchange? They go, here's what people are playing the most on Pandora. Really? Yeah, and that story's number one. It's a funny fucking story. That's the Dr. Dick story. That's a real guy, too, right? That's a real guy, who I? That's a real guy who I finally

told him that I told a story about him and I gave it to him to listen to and then he called me and he was like, I fucking love it. He's like, I just sent it to my parents and they can't believe I talk like this to my patients. If anybody hasn't seen it, we don't want to give away any spoilers because it's a fucking hilarious story. Yeah, that's my special.

It's called Completely Normal, which is on Netflix. But the new one has- Is that the one with the Serena Williams bit in it? Yes. Yes. Okay. But this one has a bunch of stories of, you know, it has a bunch of stand-up. It's a stand-up special, but I have stories about my trainer in it.

I have a story about- Oh, your Jesus trainer? Yeah, I have him in it. Does he know? No. And then I have, he's going to find out, I have him in... Does he know? No. And then I have... He's going to find out, I think. He's definitely going to find out.

He's going to find out. I have a Tyson, my Mike Tyson story is in this new one. That's a great story, too. Yeah. And I have a story about a movie theater fight that I got into. And yeah, there's all kinds of stories in it. So I call it mostly stories. What was I going to ask you?

Oh, this is what i'm gonna tell you you know i i downloaded one of your uh one of your uh cds off itunes i bought one of your comedy cds thanks man you're welcome but there's something i was just in the mood for some comedy and i know you're hilarious but i was um was really weird uh my phone like when you have bluetooth synced up to your phone and your phone um if it starts when i get in my car i don't know what what the settings are why it does this but my car will just all of a sudden start playing like from the most because it's set it's synced up to bluetooth and bluetooth for music so when i get in my car it'll all of a sudden start playing music it plays your fucking Serena Williams bit every time it's so bizarre every time it plays

it first so when I get in my car and I start my car up I hear you you're the first thing that I hear every time that's so the whole about you know I want to die in a dumb way yeah yeah like it goes right into that every time it's happened to me what happens to me in my car way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it goes right into that every time. It's happened to me. Well, it happens to me in my car with a gang star, which I guess is probably better. That's great. It's better than my Serena Williams bit.

Well, for you, it's better. If you got in your car and you started playing your shit, you'd be like, hey, hey, hey, listen to this bit. This is my favorite. This is my favorite shit. But actually, you know who else it happens to with what you're saying? Is my mother called me and she goes, I bought your album and now every time I get in the car it plays. And how do I stop it from doing that?

And that's my own mother. She's fucking sick of my shit. I wonder why your song, or that one bit rather, plays every time. Every time I get in my car it starts off with that. That is weird. weird yeah it's very strange but it's uh what is your gangstar one that goes it's uh i think it's above the clouds which makes sense because that's alphabetical right so hmm but gangstar but what i mean i don't know man yeah i don't know what what it is and sometimes if i plug in

the phone then it will also only play that song and won't let me fast forward or jump to another song what is the name of that bit i think it's called a good death this is it oh that's why a god i do think about death a that's why i just want it to be justified. That's how every fucking day starts for me. It's because A. Yeah, it must be. It must be. Well, that's a good move. I'm going to name all my bits.

A. A big dick story. Imagine if that was like what I did with my special. Every fucking bit was called a big dick story. Another big dick story. Another big story. My favorite big dick story. I had that thing where I, that was kind of the idea behind when I did my first album

called Thrilled, where I do like a parody of Michael Jackson's Thriller. The whole idea, like part of the fun of that was so that I, because I knew that people who got the album had a good chance of in their library having it next to michael jackson's thriller you know that was that's funny and people send me screen grabs they send me screen grabs of their library you know my favorite part of that picture is i love how you trimmed your neck but not your chest there's like a wall between your face your hair and then you have like this bridge of no hair so much hair that should be the name of my next album so much hair so people send you screen grabs of them of their phone being like it's you and

it's like me and michael jackson you know like side by side. Thrilled. Yeah. That's hilarious. Look at you with the chest hair and a fucking chain. Something about chest hair and chain together. Yeah. You attract a very specific type of woman with that look. Oh, yeah. Chest hair and chains. Yeah. It's the kind that'll scoop and score, I think.

Scoop and score. Have you heard, have you watched F is for Family yet? I did. I saw the first episode. I just saw the first one. Fucking funny, isn't it? I love the neighbor. I was thinking of him.

Oh, yeah. The gold chains and the hairy chest. The Corvette or whatever he drives. That guy's awesome. Yeah. That's a funny series, man. Yeah, Bill killed it, man. That's awesome.

Apparently, Louis C.K. is going to do an animated series now, too. Oh, really? Those gingers are taking over, man. Gingers are fucking running it. Yeah, man. You know what it is? It's like a lot of lack of pussy when you're young it's hard to get laid attention builds up get upset focus and drive focus and drive yeah that red headed focus and drive so he's gonna do an animated one yeah yeah he's apparently gonna

do an animated one too animated series man it's so you could get away with so much i mean think about what south park has gotten away with. The stuff that they can do. Yeah. What Beavis and Butthead did back in the day. Yeah. Weren't they going to redo Beavis and Butthead? They did, right?

But nobody cared anymore. But he's doing that HBO show. Mike Judd? Yeah. What show? Silicon Valley. Oh, that's right. That's his.

That's a good show. Mm-hmm. That's another funny show. Is this the best time ever to be just a fucking loser who sits in front of the TV? Without doubt. This is the best TV show ever. Ever. TV has, for a while now, just leapt over films.

Yeah. Cinema. It's not even close. Oh, my God. Not even close. Think about what you can do with TV, man. Well, the thing about TV is like, something like Game of Thrones is like a new movie every week

and it's tied together. Yeah. Yeah. In a movie, I mean, how much can you really get attached to a character in a two-hour film? You kind of can, but not like the way you can over 10, 15, 20 episode season, for sure. You know what else I like? That these

television shows, whether it's Narcos or whether it's Game of Thrones, they're largely unknown actors. So you associate them with the actual character. Right. Instead of going, oh, here's Benicio Del Toro playing another crazy guy. Right, right, right. That happens. Yes.

That's big, man. Because when I go to the movies and I see Tom Cruise, I'm seeing Tom fucking Cruise. I'm not seeing some mad scientist. I'm not seeing a private agent. It's true. I'm a Tom Cruise, I'm seeing Tom fucking Cruise. I'm not seeing some mad scientist. I'm not seeing a private agent. It's true. I'm a secret agent. I'm seeing Tom fucking Cruise. He's famous.

Or Bradley Cooper or Jennifer Lawrence. I'm seeing them. I know it's them. You can't lie to me. It's why those actors that really get into playing parts stand out so much. The way that Philip Seymour Hoffman used used to play roles you lose yourself in his role because he was so committed to not being the actor he was the part daniel day lewis is my favorite example yeah yeah he's that fucking guy when he did that boxer movie he did nothing but

box for a year really for a year all he did was go to the boxing gym every day and train he he looked he's the only guy that I've ever seen in a movie Where he actually looked like a real boxer when he was doing the scenes it was like if you watched the fighter with Marky Mark Wahlberg and he's playing Mickey Ward he playing Mickey Ward yeah, yeah, yeah, he doesn't look like a boxer Punches Jill and all do you think he looked like a boxer. Looks like a guy who knows how to throw punches. Gyllenhaal? Do you think he looked like a boxer? I didn't see that movie yet.

But the Marky Mark movie, he doesn't look like a guy who's actually been boxing. He looks like a guy who knows how to throw punches. But there's a big difference between a guy who knows how to throw punches and a guy who knows how to throw punches anticipating that somebody punches back and the idea of an actual boxer. There's a difference between knowing that a guy is going to stand in front of you like a Rocky movie or a guy who looks like a boxer. And Daniel Day-Lewis is the only guy I've ever seen in a movie that actually looks like a boxer.

This is him jumping rope, but maybe there's a... Oh, that's him actually jumping rope. Look how good he's jumping rope. Holy shit. That is shit, man. Yeah, that guy's an animal, man. He really is an animal. That motherfucker,

he, when he did that My Left Foot, he was in character for like a year. Well, they said he was like that for There Will Be Blood. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he stays in character. That's probably annoying as fuck. It's gotta be. Imagine if you do it in a movie like that for There Will Be Blood. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's in character. That's probably annoying as fuck. It's gotta be. Imagine if you do it in a movie like Lincoln and nobody gives a shit.

How about Offset? When you're, you know, lunch is ready. Trying to go to dinner with him? Yeah. I'll have a milkshake! Yeah. Come on. Hey, Abe, sorry.

Yeah, it's gonna wear on you. Four score and seven years ago. Nobody gave a fuck about that movie. More people cared about the Abraham Lincoln versus the vampire movie. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. More people cared about that movie than the Daniel Day-Lewis, Abraham Lincoln movie. Yeah, I believe that. What is that? We don't give a fuck about historical movies.

I don't know. Sometimes they take off, right? I think part of it is this. Well, no. I think part of it is now is that we've seen a lot like there's a point where you go I know even though it might be worth telling I've seen a number of Holocaust movies or I've seen a number of civil rights you know American story like so when those come out you go i i kind of know the story right so i think that's where the the interest the box office goes down people go well i know i know this story and you can retell it or tell it in a new way or interesting way but

people feel like i got it right i've seen the story right it doesn't feel like new but it was for a for a moment it's boring we don't want to hear about it when I'm here about history I want spaceships and I want aliens and laser beams explosions did you see the Force Awakens yes I did what do you think I haven't seen it yet you should before I tell you everything that happened I do want to see it it, man. I was obsessed with it when I was a kid. I enjoyed the shit out of it. It's a perfect blend

of new and old. It's a perfect homage. It captures the essence of the original films, but with much more updated special effects, graphics, storytelling, and acting is really good, too. There's nothing bad about it. I loved loved it have you started

watching we're talking about netflix making of a murderer no i have not get your entire life together i know i need to everybody keeps fucking telling me that is the number one thing that people tweet me about other than i'm wrong about bernie sanders i'm not you're wrong about bernie sanders he did not say 90 he said he's okay with it's not too much if it's over a certain i'm not done with it feel the burn you're gonna it's shit your pants i keep saying i keep hearing that yeah um apparently i've listened to a radio lab podcast that talked about the exact same story it is right yeah i looked it up it came out in like 2013 but they weren't they left out a Radiolab podcast that talked about the exact same story. It is, right? Yeah, I looked it up.

It came out in like 2013, but they left out what's going on in the movie. They told the state side of the story. And the state side of the story and the woman side of the story who accused the man of rape, and she thought, I don't know. The level of conspiracy involved in this is just, it's mind-blowing. Yeah, the Radiolab thing didn't cover that at all. That's what really kind of sucks you in. They couldn't have, though. Radiolab only had an hour, two hours.

These guys do ten episodes. That's insane. That are a little over an hour each. See, that's where something like Netflix fucking shines. Yeah. Because you can't do that anywhere else. Yeah. They won't let you.

No. Like my new special is six hours. Wow. That's amazing. Are you naked in all of it? In most of it. Beginning and the end. Is it a lot of asshole shots or?

I don't like that. There's a lot. What I try to do, I do the diaper change style and then I do the face down. I do both. I had a guy come up to me at the fucking improv the other day, asked me to do comedy at a nudist camp. He's like, it's amazing. Everyone who performs, they perform naked. I go, oh, yeah?

Okay. And he goes, are you interested in doing it? I go, nope. He goes, come on, man. I go, hey, dude, you're not going to see my cock. Yeah. Okay? You want to.

This is your elaborate method. The guy was clearly gay, by the way. He was going for that cock. Who was the guy that was dying to see you? Or was that at a gym or something? Did you have a guy somewhere that was eyeballing you or something like that? Was it working out? Every day, bro.

But I mean, you know. Well, I did work out at a gay gym for a while when I was on news radio. I worked out at a gold gym for a while when I was on news radio I worked out at Gold's Gym on coal but like the same wasn't it like the same guy waiting all the time

oh that was in no that was in Jiu Jitsu Jiu Jitsu yeah that was this guy well we had to kick that guy out he was he would just like hang back all the time

he would wait for me to get dressed but he waited for everybody to get dressed and he would harass guys he would like say a bunch of creepy sexual shit to people while they were changing

yeah which and he also would go and do jujitsu and purposely get his ass kicked so you're manhandling yeah he wouldn't he wanted to like you barely fight back man like i remember he rolled with this one guy and the guy tapped him like really quick and the guy realized he wasn't fighting back and they like looked at him and he looked and the and the guy tried to keep going he goes no i'm done and we're not doing this we're not doing this first of all you just came all over yourself it's making it well he said to my friend brett he said uh sometimes i just come here to get my ass kicked come on man what this is not the place and this is brett was one of the guys who got him kicked out of there because he would just say creepy sexual shit to him that's creepy he would

say weird shit to guys you you know, like one time, uh, I, I wear, I would wear a jockstrap and then, uh, over my jockstrap, I would put a cup on,

you know, and the cup goes in a jockstrap and he goes, yeah, you wear two jockstraps. And I just looked at him like, why are you staring at me getting changed and commenting? I'm on a, shut the fuck up,

man. This is weird. And the way he do it it's like this longing look in his face like just hoping that you just just pull your cock out just stuff it in a mug throat yeah sweet freedom there was none of that that's another thing about the

evolution of porn two things that have happened that have been pretty radical one no one has hair pussy anymore pussy hair pussy hairs out the world yeah it's gone the radical crazy girl has a little landing strip oh my god she's crazy you like a little bush you like some bush it's not that i like it or dislike it i have no problem with not getting pubic hair in my mouth but what i'm thinking is kids today they don't know what it's like to get a pubic hair stuck in between your teeth yeah they don't know what's up yes for us sure that feeling yeah where you have it in your tongue you can't get it out and even if you get it out you think he's still in

there you keep going never get it out you actually don't use that move for anything else than removing pubic hairs from your mouth. Maybe if you bite a napkin. Yeah. If you take a napkin and bite into it and chew it, then you go. But why would you do that? Right. But you eat a lot of pussy.

You have to spit out hairs. I spit out a lot of hairs in my youth. Sure. And then somewhere along the line, it just stopped. It's like silence. Like the fucking, the trees were all chopped down. Like what happened? What happened to the forest?

Just stop being there. Yeah. It's weird. They just stopped growing pussy hair. Or when you saw girls get one of yours and then they stop. You're like, could you get back to it? And they're like, what? But some change happened both in pornography and in people and it's almost like pornography became more popular because of like blockbuster and vhs tapes sure remember they have those local

video stores yeah of course you have to go through the fucking saloon doors to get to it oh yeah you get to kick open when you're young you get there was an adrenaline rush walking through those doors you felt people don't understand i know it was like if you were on if you were visiting someone in prison and you had to go through the lockdown area yeah it really was i remember buying to buying porn in those and you know you buy if you go to a porn store it's one thing but if you go to a regular store that has porn and you buy a porn and then you get the checkout person who's like totally judging you yeah you're a real fucking pig you know that you'd be so nervous oh so vulnerable i remember the uh some of the checkout person one time was like do you want me to throw away the box for you a lot of people don't like the box i was like i'll take the box put it in a fucking bag

i need the box might collect them i collect the'll take the box. Put it in a fucking bag. Let's go. I need the box. I collect them. I collect the boxes. Frame the boxes, man. If they're going to be in order, how am I going to know they're in order? If I don't have the box, I need the box. Yeah, the saloon door thing. So I think people started buying them. They started renting them, right? They started taking them home.

And then they started going, what's all the hair? Yeah. And then something happened where the industry recognized that it looks weird when you see all this asshole hair and you're gonna fucking camera three inches away from it and some dude's hairy ass and his ball bag are slapping up against her hair and like look we gotta clean this up we gotta clean this up and so they somewhere along the line i don't know what year it was the 80s maybe they started all just shaving down. I feel like 80s still had some hair.

I think it was the shift into high def that really took the hair away. Well, it's also people got bored with the regular products. Like we were talking about earlier, like why are they still making porn? Well, obviously, there came a point in time where they had to shift from just two people meeting, pizza guy, come on in. I don't have any money, but I can pay you another. Something happened along the way where porn itself changed. They got tired of those scenarios, and then it became rough porn and gagging and mascara

running and snot. Yeah. Those are really crazy still. Oh, my God. came like rough porn and gagging and mascara running and snot. Yeah. And. Those are really crazy still. Oh, my God. I saw this one with this girl. They laid her down on a bed and her head hung off the edge of the bed. And guys just took turns just mouth fucking her.

Just balls into her nose. Just. And slobber. And like she was like puking up saliva like coughing and spitting and then she would and they would just right back in there and the next guy would do it and these guys were these giant cocked black guys with these yeah big meaty asses and they just pound her fucking mouth yeah whoa it was was just whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. But who's asking for that? Someone's clearly asking for that.

How do you think they just had figured out, you know, we got to present this in a different way? I think it's probably the people that do the porn. Like we were talking about Max Hardcore being so fucking crazy. I think they just get so bored with sex. Yeah. They're like, no, I'm opening your asshole and I'm gonna throw my keys in there. Right. People have,

like, we're gonna play jacks, I'm gonna throw the jacks in your asshole. Something happened to people. There's a progression to that. Yeah. It went from missionary

to like, lay on your back, you know, get a doggy and then it's like, you know, tongue my balls from underneath. Let's go ass to mouth.

Yeah. Someone was the first worst and he'd go, I got an idea. Yeah. And then ass to mouth was born. Is that safe to do? Now it's go ass to mouth. Like someone was the first worst and he go, I got an idea. Yeah. And then ass to mouth was born. Is that safe to do? Now it's a genre.

Yeah. ATM. It's a genre, you know, MILFs. There's like a bunch of different genres. GILFs.

You can find these genres. Kim Ann. Yeah. Jesus Christ. 60 plus MILF. But because of that, the images that people saw in pornography changed the way people take care of their pubic hair.

Yeah. That's 100% what it was. That's the influence. Pornography changed the way women trim their pubic hair. Yeah. Maybe guys too. Oh yeah. Definitely.

Guys didn't trim out their hair before. Guys didn't trim it at all before. Do you manscape down there? Sure. Is it like your neck in the thriller thing where it's like beard, beard, beard, no hair? No, it's not. Hair, chest, clean cock and clean bikini line, hairy legs. That would be so weird.

It's not as crazy down there, but yeah, I definitely do some maintenance, man. I like having a pretty clean ball bag. That's a good move. And then hair grows on the shaft. I trim that off, too. How much hair grows on your shaft, dude? Just like my beard, like this. What is going on with your dick?

No, it's just a few. He's a wolf man. It's a few. Your dick is a werewolf. But I'll shave all around it, man. I'll trim all around it. Do you shave your asshole? No.

I did it once. I had it waxed once. I did it once and I tweeted about it. People got mad at me. Why? I don't know. It was great. I gotta say, I want to go back to it. Shaving your asshole? No, I had it waxed once. I did it once and I tweeted about it. People got mad at me. Why? I don't know. It was great. I got to say, I want to go back to it.

Shaving your asshole? No, I had it waxed. Why'd you do that? For a radio show. What radio show? Bob and Tom. They waxed your asshole? Yeah.

Whoa. But the... Explain further, please. They made some comment about waxing and hair. And I said something to them like, well, next time I'm in town, I would do that to my ass. Because I'd heard about how it ups your wipe game so much. Oh, yeah. I would imagine.

Well, they did it. It was fine. It wasn't that crazy to do. It wasn't as painful. No. Who did it? They had local people that waxed. Male or female?

Female. A girl saw your asshole. She waxed it. Yeah, she put wax. She got in there. She got in there. Did she have like those Rubbermaid gloves? She had some type of glove on, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, and then, you know, she was putting hot wax in my ass. Imagine if she didn't. You'd be like, um. Yeah. Are you professional? She's pulling off with her teeth. But here's the thing.

Uses her fingernails. Chips it away like a sticker. The memory isn't even getting waxed. It's how great the wiping was for the six weeks after that. Six whole weeks until the stubble starts kicking in. Yeah. You have unbelievable taint itch. Yes.

Yeah. The taint itch was other level. But I didn't even know what it was like to wipe a few times. You know, and be like, yeah, I'm done. Because when you have a hairy ass, you're like smearing shit onto the top of your head. Picture that. That's what you're doing with your hairy ass. And you never quite get done.

Dude, I've gone through a roll of toilet paper for a normal shit to clean my ass. So disgusting. So one time I decided I was shaving my ball bag and I trim first and then I get in the shower and then I use a razor. Right. So I'm razoring my ball bag. I go, you know, let me just fucking get in there. Yeah.

And so I lifted my leg up because I'm quite flexible. Right. I put my leg up on the wall and just looked down there and just started shaving away. The visual is amazing. Hacking fucking trees out of my asshole first of all I couldn't believe how long my asshole hair is Yeah, it's long get some like yeah, it gets like like More than a beard mm-hmm. Yeah, like or a crazy beard like maybe like a Rasputin type beard, but how'd you feel after? Great. First of all, my farts changed. The sound.

I was like, I couldn't, it's almost like before I was like farting through the forest. And now it's like, all my farts were like wet. And so it gets muffled with that hair. They sounded different. Yeah. They literally sounded different. And they were louder. I couldn't sneak them.

That beautiful beef cream was coming out. Beef cream? What the fuck is beef cream? There's this guy that we found on our podcast. What's his name? His name's Thursday Lane. Oh, this is another guy. This isn't the other guy.

The fart master guy? It's not King Ash Ripper. This guy is named- He found a new guy. This isn't the other guy. The fart master guy. It's not King Ash Ripper. This guy, this guy is named. He's not a new guy. Yeah. His name, well, his name is Diego, but he goes by Thursday Lane. He has a fucking name. Yeah.

He's like got a rap name. Yeah. Oh my God. And he wants to be, he wants to do fart fetish porn. That's his dream. So he posted all these videos about how much he loves farts. And that's how we got in touch with him. And he has a description for whatever type of hair color you have,

he associates it with a different type of cream or broth. That's the smell to him. Oh, my God. So if you have brown hair, you have beef cream farts. And if you have... This is him? This is him, yeah. Thursday Lane marries a fart.

What? Yeah, yeah. I Lane marries a fart. What? Yeah, yeah, this is... Oh, play this. What does that mean? You'll see. Marries a fart. If you're a guy with a cock, picture me marrying your farts. Where you're like the beef, chicken...

Oh, he's gay. Spicy cream. Yeah. Can I marry your farts for life, please, please? What is up with his hair? It's different. Ready? Ready?

One, two. I just married a up for life. Thank you. These are the three rings I got. So a guy farts in his face and he gets super excited. Yeah, he loves it. I mean, you don't understand.

So, you know, if you have... He really does like it. Oh, he loves it. He's not kidding. Oh, he just did a flip. Well, even the way... Jesus Christ. His face is in there. That guy's eating that guy's flip. Well, even the way... Jesus Christ. His face is in there.

The guy's eating that guy's ass. I wonder if the guy who's farting in his face is gay or not. I don't think he is. He works for that... Because we talked to that company, too. Company? Yeah, because we talked about them on our podcast. What kind of company are we talking about?

It's hotmovies.com or something like that. So they heard him on our podcast, and then they contacted him and shot that interview. That's hilarious. But he has a description for every hair color. So if you have white hair, you're a silver trout cream. If you have blonde hair, you're chicken cream. So he associates these.

It's really intense. He has a whole list of, and he calls your farts beautiful guppies. Oh, my God. What the fuck is wrong with him? He loves farts, man. Did you ask him how this all happened? Yeah, he likes to ramble, though, so I couldn't really keep him. He kind of goes off on some stuff.

And you're on the phone with him, not real life. Yeah, right. So I was like, all right, man, we got to pull this in. But I even said, I feel like I got a little beef cream today. And he goes, right. So I was like, all right, man, we got to pull this in. But I even said, I feel like I got a little beef cream today. And he goes, mm. There's all types of people out there in this wacky world, Tom Segura. There's so many wacky people. And if you met this guy and he was like, I love farts, nothing gets me off more.

That's what gets me when people say they're bothered by something that, like, would it bother you that that's what he likes? No. You don't give a shit. Well, we're comedians. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, that is what it is. We're freaks. We're not regular. That's true. I mean, there's a lot of freaks out there that have regular jobs that don't care either, but we're freaks. Yeah. You know, in terms of society, we're about as freaky as it gets.

That's true. We're looking for this stuff. I mean, you contacted this guy. You wanted him on your show. You get the throat master. What's her name? Throatzilla. You had her on your show. True. We're seeking it out. Yeah, and loving it. Of course.

It's the best. I wish I met somebody like that every day Why not, right? Yeah Just like a professional cycler I gotta pee Well, we're done anyway It's 5 o'clock, man God damn, Tom Segura

That was fun What are you doing here? Monitor your pee and you're turning that on? I'm turning it on to go pee. Why? Why? What? I'm just, I'm just, I'm a vlogger, man.

Oh, you're vlogging? I'm vlogging. You know, people started saying that. Excuse me. I'm not in support of people saying it. I don't mind reading it. I make fun of it. I make fun of it.

Vlogging? Vlogging is a funny term to me. I feel weird standing there pointing at that. You have a handle on it like it's a gun. I've had it stick out of the jacket, by the way, and I've seen some people's eyes go like, Let me ask you this. Yeah? Yeah.

Why that and not just a phone? Because it seems like a phone would make it easier to upload. The video is just as good. It's not? This picture quality has got to be better, but much better. Yeah? Jamie? It's easier to edit those videos.

It's actually not so easy to get the video off your iPhone. You've got to connect it to your thing. You can just take that card out and plug it in your computer. It's not like it's super hard, but it's a little bit easier to deal with those things. Okay, I see what you're saying. Okay. But I would think that just having a phone, it's easy. I always have a phone.

You're right, but I think this picture is better. Yeah. Oh, I'm sure it's better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that thing sticks out. It sticks out. The lens sticks out. Yeah.

That's real. It's real. It's real shit. All right, I'll knock it off. All right. No, you don't have to knock it off. Well, you know. I just want to say, everybody, if you're watching this, you need to watch Tom Segura on Netflix starting January 8th.

It's called Mostly Stories, and it's fucking hilarious. And I've seen most of what Mostly Stories is, and it's gut-wrenchingly hilarious, you fucks. Go. Before you watch F is for Family or Narcos or any of that shit, watch Mostly Stories, January 8th, Friday on Netflix. All right, folks. That's it. Thanks, Rogan. Podcast is over.

Tom Segura on Twitter. You can also listen to Your Mom's House with Tom and his lovely wife, Christina P. Congratulations on the little bambino, the little Thomas Segura with his giant hog. Grazie, Simone. Grazie. Alright, fuckers, that's it for the week. We'll be back next week with lots of awesome people. Bye-bye. Big kiss.