The Joe Rogan Experience - #747 - Tony Hinchcliffe

Episode Date: January 13, 2016

Tony Hinchcliffe is a stand-up comedian, writer, and actor. His first comedy special "One Shot" premieres on Netflix on January 15, 2016. Tony also hosts his own podcast called "Kill Tony" with Redban, and it's available at http://Deathsquad.tv and on Spotify under "Deathsquad"

Oh Fuck yeah, here we go Tony Hinchcliffe is in the house Brian Redman is in the house Dun-dun-dun-dun And we've been talking about turning your come off with a light switch. How's that work? It's like a little switch that's in your inner leg or something like that And if you want to make a baby it turns on your cum or your sperm so it's like a sperm switch but it made it look like a light switch

instead of having it you know like some weird button put it up on the screen again please it's it's um so it's in between your legs like what if you're jogging this is just go on and off and on and off yeah oh my god it is a light switch come on this isn't real how dare you why am i seeing that guy's dick huge why is he semi big he's semi okay look at this all right so what they're showing us is uh can we hear this is it okay we hear it it's like andy hold on hold on i love this guy's accent please start him from the beginning because it makes it even better. He speaks in a slightly broken English. Andy Richter and his brother?

...in order to begin the medical approval procedure. The human male's testicles produce millions of sperm cells every day. These cells flow through the spermatic ducts and then combine with seminal fluids. Look at this texture of the ball skin. I feel like Thomas Edison would be so disappointed if he saw what his technology was being used for now. Thomas Edison invented dick switches? Well, like, switches, I guess. Power on and off.

Why is it more humorous? Because this gentleman has an accent. Why would they spend so much time making the texture of the balls in the dick that realistic like because they want you to know They're not playing games So this is insane You can feel the switch and you can flip it back and forth That is so fucking crazy And what are the odds that a girl who wants a baby is not going to reach back and click that switch while she's rubbing your balls? Which is the perfect time to hit the switch if you really wanted to make a baby.

Like, let them release the hounds! And when it becomes still in the tube, you know, like the end of the tube? Good question. Yeah, I think that's an issue, right? Doesn't it stay inside your dick hole? Like, doesn't it all come out in one blast, and sometimes it can come out in the next blast. Yeah. What do I know?

It seems fake. That's craziness. I mean, I don't understand. If you got an operation to get all that stuff put in, just get a vasectomy. Make a decision. Stand by it. Yeah. It seems like in America, these type of things are becoming more and more attractive to us, like an instant

solution to like anything that we got going wrong. Oh, we're going to come up with a new retinas and these retinas, they're artificial retinas. So you put them in your eyes and you can see 2200 like, or 20, uh, what, what is, what's, that's not good. Like 2200 would be terrible. Yeah. Like 25. Yeah.

2020 is like normal, right? Right. 4020. No, that's worse too, right? No, isn't that better? That's twice. I don't think it is. I'm not sure.

I don't think. I think it's always been like low numbers are really good. Like pilots would say, I have 20-15 vision. I see an eagle attacking a salmon from a mile away. You know, like people are always like super proud of their vision, like really good vision. Like, whoa, amazing. You see clearly. So lower would be better?

Yes. Like 420 would be the best? 420? No. It's too high on one side. I don't know. What's perfect on one side, right? 20 is 20.

20, 20. Right. What the fuck does that even stand for? Maybe we should know that. It's what you see at 20 feet. The first 20 is what a normal person sees at 20 feet, and then what you see at 20 feet. The first 20 is what a normal person sees at 20 feet and then what you see at 20 feet. So you see, if you have 2200, you see what a normal person sees at 200 feet

at 20 feet because your vision sucks. Okay, that makes sense. That actually totally makes sense. What a drag. Yeah. Do you have perfect vision, Tony? My vision is unbelievable. I can read anything from like, it's like insane.

That's cool. It's a lot of fun. Have you always had that? Yeah. You should probably be really good at something like darts or something like that. Maybe. Yeah. I would think that something along those lines where it'd be like super precise.

I would think that something along those lines where you it'd be like super precise like when you're throwing that you're Like I don't play darts But I would imagine that it's probably pretty fun with all that pressure to get a bullseye It seems kind of silly you throw in a metal stick at a thing, but those dudes seem to be having a good time I'm a hell of a shot. I was a natural With a dartboard with with an actual gun. Oh, really? Yeah, 22. I shot discus one time. Is that what it is?

What do they call that? Pigeons? Pigeons, clay pigeons? And I was like 13 or 14, and I was clipping them. And I remember this group of old guys standing behind my mom's boyfriend that took me. Just like, holy shit. I'm terrible with a shotgun. I did a Bt kreischer show we had one of those clay shoot off things i hit like one how do you get good at a shotgun

now you just practice you just you have to understand how you're orientating the um the sight on it it's a little more tricky than like a hunting rifle where the sight is magnified with a shotgun for the most part unless it has a scope on it most of the times they don't you're you're using the barrel of the gun to line up where the bullets are going to go but any variation up or down by the slightest amount results in a big deviation of the intended path of the weapon so like if you're trying to shoot straight and your your thing is just is just kind of at him but not really, it'll go over his head.

So you have to line up this little thing in the front, which is like a little tiny nub. Like a U. And then the thing in the back. The thing in the back is the U. And you're looking, you're trying to line the two of them up. So there's like this little V and you're trying to put this pin

in between the little V and hold it there as you squeeze the trigger and don't flinch so it's there's a lot involved in it it takes practice but once you get it's like anything else like archery or bowling you know once you understand the technique behind it then it's just a matter of drilling it over and over again like you ever see a really good bowler like uh ari's friend tommy what is that guy's name Tommy dear Matolo what the fuck is he gave me he gave me a all right you'll find it right right you know he gave me a really good dude whoever that guy is

Tallarino right no no no Jamie figured out let him figure it out we'll we'll we'll talk but um if he taught you how to bowl like if you watch him bowl, like those guys, they throw like that curveball where it comes spinning and it smashes into everything like kind of an angle. And they can do it consistently over and over and over and over again. And to the point where they'll bowl like pretty close to perfect games a lot. Where they'll get like real close to like making eight nine strikes in a row and you're like what the fuck when a guy like you or i i don't know how you

bowl i bowl like shit like shit it's one of the all that fucking thing straight tommy dilutes tommy dilutes great guy by the way super fucking nice guy he's hung out with us a couple of times and he's a pro bowler so if that guy taught you how to bowl, like he could teach you the technique, then it would just be a matter of you wanting to keep working at it. Whether it's, whether it's archery or that's darts or anything, man,

it's just a matter of someone showing you how to do it. You figure it out. What's best for you. And then numbers. That's what P that's why people don't like to get good at shit. The numbers involved. They're nuts. If you want to be a professional golfer, do you know what kind of numbers you have to put in?

Good Lord. Yeah. All the practice and all the fucking knocking. And then you're like, man, this isn't going to work out. And okay, if you say it's not going to work out, then I guess it's not going to work out. Because it fucking worked out for Tiger Woods. Fucking worked out for Jack Nicklaus. How come it fucking worked out for tiger woods fucking worked out for jack nicholas how come it fucking worked out for them because they got nutty because someone taught them

the the technique they started to compete and then they got nutty yeah you just got to decide whether or not you want to get nutty and getting nutty is not the best idea in the world either yeah a lot of those guys wind up fucking hitting the rocks they never stop at the beach just fucking keep that gas going it's like stand up in a lot of ways yeah i think it's like everything everything that represents you you know you focus on it and the more you focus on it the better it gets at it and if you don't focus on it it doesn't get better and if you do it does and it's a matter of how much do you want to focus on it where you can enjoy the rest of your life? What percentage of your life does it become? It always amazes me that people get so great at video games.

Yeah. You know? Did you ever meet Robert, the dude who was the old manager at the Comedy Store? Uh-uh. What was his job there? Do you remember? He was like talent. Was he booking?

Talent? I don't know if he was doing that for a while maybe he was doing that for a while anyway really good magic guy right magic the gathering he was addicted to that he was addicted to everquest i believe at first maybe it was magic the yeah magic the gathering is a card game though isn't it it's also a video game it's video game too um i'm pretty sure he was an everquest junk junkie. Bad, man, like bad. And he would come to the comedy store and he would be depressed. Like he would get out of his house when he could. And when he could, he would come out and hang out with us in the real world.

I'll never forget this. We were in the back bar. And it was just me and him. And, you know, it was, you know, the back bar era. A lot of times comedians gather there and talk. And he just goes, it's just so weird that I can be so good at making money in my online life and so bad at it in my real life. He goes, I'm so good at being successful in this artificial life, but I can't get it together in my real life. And he was tired and he looked pale.

And I'm like, this is a great guy. He's like a really nice guy. I'm like, fuck, man. Like, this game is like a vampire. He was making money on it? No, you make money in the game. Like, you make, like, gold coins so you can buy magic and shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that how it works? Am I saying that right? Yeah, sure. You level up the more you play. So he was like king of kings, you know? He had, like, a crazy player and everything like that. King of kings. Well, when you get really good, right, in EverQuest, like, the more you play. So he was like king of kings. He had a crazy player and everything like that. King of kings. Well, when you get really good in EverQuest,

the higher you get, the more you can fuck people up. You can do whatever you want. You just become invincible. You become a god. If you're on that shit 24 hours a day for 10 years, no one's going to fuck with you. They just can't fuck with you. Isn't that how World of Warcraft is?

They're encouraging addiction. It's so obvious. It's so obvious. It's so obvious. It's very clever. But this is a money vampire. They figured out a really entertaining money vampire. Sucks it out of you. South Park did one on it, and it's just unbelievably hilarious.

You know what's interesting? The concept that you can get better at it the more time you put in it because you get more stuff. That's a really weird concept because that's not how it is in any other game. In any other game, what's cool about playing Quake, right? I hate to harp on Quake all the time, but I used to love playing it, was that you both start out, like you guys were going to have a death match. You would both start out with 150 life points, the same amount of access to weapons. You know, you have like a little pistol, like you have a little blaster, and then you run around the map to try to find where the other weapons are. So you have to know the map. You have to know where the weapons are and when they spawn, because they spawn in increments, like every 15, 20 seconds or something. I forget what it is, maybe a minute for some weapons, maybe some weapons spawn differently

so these guys had programs in their code where it would alert them when the rocket launcher was about to spawn, so they had it timed into their code so they would receive little messages up on their screen that would let them know that rocket launchers

were about to spawn, so they'd run to get to the rocket launcher, because he who gets gets a rocket launcher first most likely wins the deathmatch Because these guys know the maps and they start blasting each other well then everybody starts even Everybody starts even it's that's what's exciting about it's a mad scramble if you got to a point where you could just fuck People up and turn their cities into dust and bring down fire and brimstone that's too much everybody's got to be even where's your games bullshit you just got a giant addiction thing going you got an addiction pyramid scheme going on right and you're talking yourself in third person as if it wasn't you that did all

this well sort of but I'm thinking about Robert because I'm thinking about the game of EverQuest. And that's a way more addictive element. Like the element of the longer you do it, the more power you have and the more you can accomplish, the more dragons you can slay and what have you. What I was into was these crazy one-on-one death matches. They were so fun. And I was never good at them, man. I used to get fucked up. Like, it wasn't a matter of, like, me being successful at Quake.

It was the opposite. Like, I could never catch up. Like, I could be able to beat dudes who were clueless. If some dude was clueless and he got into one of those maps with me, I could fuck him up. But most of the time I got fucked up. Most of the time you're getting fucked up with these young kids we're so good their fucking hand-eye coordination is like it's designed through the game because as they were as they were children they're using a mouse and keyboard as their little brains were forming connections with their fingertips a lot of what it involved moving a

mouse obama plays one of these right does he yeah he's like on, what's one of those, like Halo or something like that? Does he? What's one of those popular ones? Halo is very popular. Halo is the shit. Or Call of Duty, I think it might be, but he like plays it. I always think that that's like so crazy to think that Obama is sometimes just chilling, just getting lit up by like some seven-year-old kid.

You know what I mean? Obama plays Titanfall. Titan. Whoa. Xbox One. It's similar to Call of Duty. Yeah. So is it a war game?

You're in mechs, so you're running around, and you can jump into big machines. Mechs? During the game. Oh, okay, like Transformers? Or Robotech? Wow. That's wild.

Who would have ever thought that? So this is like that movie with fucking Wolverine? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, kind of. What's his name? What's the Wolverine guy's name? Hugh Jackman. Might.

Australian. Isn't that amazing? Absolutely. He hides his accent so well. It's always weird when one of those guys talks in their regular accent. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, did you ever watch Homeland? Mm-mm.

There's a guy named brody who's in homeland and he plays a dude who was kidnapped and tortured uh by uh the terrorists then he comes back to america and he's like kind of like uh you know he's like acting as a pawn for the terrorists it's like it's very fucking crazy but he sounds like a like a regular almost like a southern american like a texan like a slight tex like a Texan, like a slight Texas accent on the show. And then in real life, he talks with like this crazy English accent. Yeah.

And you hear him talk and you can't believe it's the same man. One of my favorite actors right now, who I'm like obsessed with, because I saw him on this show, Bloodline. Have you heard of this show? Bloodline, what's that? Bloodline is a Netflix original series that came out like six months ago.

And it's basically about like this rich family that takes a vacation they like have this vacation in hawaii and they all get together and shit just goes down with this family and they're all in like you don't know who's covering up what and it's just all these diabolical characters anyway there's this guy named ben mendelsohn who is a monster. He's one of those guys that's just so compelling to watch. Like, his face is always moving. He plays like a bad guy in everything. And I watched like six, seven of his movies going back,

and they're all amazing. He's one of these, like, real actors. And then I found out that he's just Australian. But complete Australian, dude. Total Australian accent. And he was my favorite American actor up until I found out he's from Australia. There's a lot of killer actors from Australia. Yeah.

Russell Crowe's from Australia, right? Isn't he? Yeah. That guy there is a monster. I think of how many fucking Australian accents. Mel Gibson, Australian. Think of how many fucking australian accents mel gibson australian think of how many of those guys yeah what's tom hardy english yeah english tom hardy's a badass he's a bad motherfucker there's so many of them from over there it's incredible sometimes i don't even realize i was watching a tom hardy movie until the end of the movie and his name comes up

and i'm like who was tom oh my god he was the main character the whole time like he has some he's another one one of the only other guys it's funny bring him up because he's another one where i literally will look up their name yeah and be because you can some of these guys you can they re actually read the scripts and pick the things that they want to do well he can at this point right yeah yeah yeah he's a bad motherfucker that guy can act his ass off it's sometimes he's like a ripped monster like in mad max and yeah yeah he's a bad motherfucker that guy can act his ass off it's sometimes he's like a ripped monster like in mad max and then sometimes he's built like me in these movies and it's like how the hell like he's one of those guys that cuts weight and puts it on and really gets in a character he plays uh i can't remember the name of it but one of these things

he's he's a twin so he's playing the two lead characters because he's it's him and his twin the entire time he's playing the uh the cray brothers right there was remember that movie the craze that uh it was out a long time ago it was basically on the same brothers there's two brothers who were into organized crime in england they're legendary and he's playing both of them the last time they did i think they had two actual twins in the last version of it. Which is probably, they had to settle for whatever actors they could get that were twins. Yeah, Tom Hardy's one of these guys that I didn't even know about until my girlfriend, who's like a huge movie buff, kept showing me movies. And she would always talk about how hot he is.

And she's just like, this guy's fucking amazing. And I'm like, you're just making me watch these Tom Hardy movies because you have a crush on him. And sure enough, this fucker won me over big time. That's when you know he's good, right? To where you're like, you know what? It's fucking great, man. Fuck it. Fuck my girlfriend.

How many guys do you think have ever played themselves in a movie like side by side like twins like that so you're playing like what i want to know is does he get paid double for that you know it's that done that only seems fair right well he's got to be getting a shitload of money for this because that's half of the movie is seeing if they can pull that off right yeah because you're dealing with c. They're combining somehow or another. I don't know how they're doing it. I would imagine what they can do now, and this is just my guess,

is that you can get a guy like you, and you and Brian could have like a tussle. And as long as you are the same size, you could superimpose his features on you. There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, could superimpose his features on you. There's a way they could do that with CGI. Well, what's interesting is that if the camera was locked off, then up until, I'm sure, this movie,

it's not locked off on everything. What does that mean, locked off? You know, like, completely not moving, stabilized. Right. Then it was always easier to do that, I think. You know, the CGI type of things where you can put somebody into things. But this is like a real movie with real dialogue. I don't think I think they're doing it all with computers Yeah, yeah, I think that if but he's got to act both sides of it, right? So he's got a somehow-or-another act both sides of it And he has to I mean I'm only assuming if he's physically in contact with someone they would have to

Somehow-or-another get him to act out those scenes and replace his face on the other person's body or something along those lines. Well, they just do, like, if they're doing a tussle, they're just doing the thing where, like, you know, it's just the back of the head, and then they just flip, you know, when they're rolling around, where it's like a smaller, weird, creepy version of them. I did it with that Pepsi Spice commercial,

where I just pretty much recorded the same two things and then just split it right down the middle that's right I forgot about this this was like 15 years ago I did this yeah these are hilarious this looks exactly like the commercial for the Tom Hardy movie that I was talking about this is hilarious I forgot about the next morning and look I even put down the coffee cup and then I grabbed the coffee cup look at that boom that's actually cool dude that was one of your finest finest hours the pepsi spice days i did that on paintbrush but what would you do if you had to have like a confrontation does he have a confrontation

with his brother i assume he does probably that's the only thing that I would think would be the issue was like you fighting with you because that would be really hard to mesh together but otherwise if it's just you

in a separate scene or you in a scene with two of you you just have to do the scene twice but still they have to combine it you have to do one

you have to do one and then probably they play back your thing yeah when you're talking to it but shit god you ever seen bronson yes amazing amazing yeah yeah i saw that he's really good in that he's good in everything he's just one of those guys he just knows how to just knows how to do it yeah yeah it it's a weird type of respect we have for people also that come from other countries.

I mean, Americans love Americans, but we also hold people from other countries. If you have an English accent, we'll cut you a lot of slack. Oh, my God. More than ever. Can I tell you something? Oh, my God.

No, this has been infuriating me lately. It's everybody. They're everywhere. There's British accents everywhere. Everywhere. Every show. Because I only watch normal TV when I'm at a hotel. And I've been doing the road a lot lately.

So I've been stuck watching commercials for the first time. Anyway. First world problems. I I watch this James Corden or whatever. Corbin. Yeah. Who's he? He's the guy that just took over for Craig Ferguson. Oh, he also had an accent.

Everybody has an accent now. Yeah. On everything. Didn't you think Craig Ferguson was good, though? I liked Craig Ferguson. He was really good. Totally good. He brought a different element Ferguson. I thought he was really good. Totally good. He brought a different element when it was the Britney Spears thing.

When that Britney Spears thing was going on and she was shaving her head, and he was like, why are we doing this? Why would we attack this girl? And I think in a lot of ways, his sort of reasonable approach to addressing the subject instead of cracking jokes about it when it was like She was shaving her head and it was like you're looking at a person That's having some some serious stress and mental problems probably and all we're doing is just piling on to that And he made this like the reason really reasonable

Measured plea and I remember thinking like wow that was a genuine thing like that wasn't uh that didn't seem like some um fake pumped up pr move to try to get people to view him a different way it seemed very genuine and um unfortunately britney spears wasn't watching craig ferguson so the message never got through you know people did leave her alone they kind of leave her alone now but she was obviously having some sort of a breakdown. Yeah. There was something going on. And I don't know if anybody could ever be expected to respond well to the kind of stress that someone in her position endures.

She's like some stupid, crazy superstar. Like a Beyonce-type character or Jay-Z. Like, that kind of stress levels gotta be insane yeah she's calmed down a lot right she does that thing in Vegas now she does like a Vegas show did you were you a fan of Craig Ferguson's show yeah he's good do you know the the robot the guy the guy that played the robot in his name is Josh Robert Thompson and uh he played the robot for whatever 11 years on that show or however long that show is Josh Robert Thompson. And he played the robot for whatever, 11 years on that show or however long that show is.

And he kind of got screwed by the show because no one knows who he was. They never said, hey, by the way, this is him. So this guy, he's on Periscope all the time. Really interesting guy. Check him out. He's just really, he kind of- What's his name again?

It's really sad though. His name's Josh Robert Thompson. And it's just like, imagine being on a again? It's really sad, though. His name's Josh Robert Thompson. And it's just like, imagine being on a fucking Tonight Show where no one knew who you were the whole time. Right. So does he just complain about this on his Periscope? No, I mean, he does seem like he's always getting screwed. He just released this new video the other day with George Lucas. And it has our friend...

What's the guy with the really built body that used to be a writer on that show? He's been on Kill Tony before. Fuck, I can't remember. Really good body. Remember he always takes off his shirt and it's like a six pack. Oh, Bob Oshak. Yeah, Bob Oshak. So

Bob Oshak did a video with... I never thought you were talking about Bob Oshak. I thought it was some gay porn star that's infiltrated the comedy store. I'm preparing myself for future encounters. Like, why is it going on? This is what Brian considers a guy with a good body. Bob Oshak. Have you seen Bob Oshak's stomach?

He's very fit. He works out. He's very healthy. It's ridiculous. Bob Oshak might be the nicest guy that's ever lived. Oh, totally. If he's not the nicest, he's in the top ten of nicest people of very healthy. It's ridiculous. Bob Oshak might be the nicest guy that's ever lived. Oh, totally. If he's not the nicest, he's in the top ten of nicest people of all time. I love him.

But anyways, he made a video with Josh Robert Thompson where Josh Robert Thompson played George Lucas on his ranch, and he looks just like George Lucas. Wow. Fun little. Oh, yeah. I think I saw some of that. Yeah. Dude, he's a funny fucking guy Bob O'Shaughnessy

I love him Yeah One of the best He should be doing a podcast Yeah Don't you think I was supposed to start Mine with him

He was gonna be my co-host And then I decided Not to have a co-host At the last thing He also is really busy You don't It's not like you have 50 different things

You have to do all day long You could do another podcast Once a week with him Yeah He's a great guy too Or he could do one on his own another podcast once a week with him. He's a great guy, too. Or he could do one on his own, too. He's one of the best guests. He's a great guy.

He's such a good dude. Yeah. On Kill Tony? Yeah. Yeah. He's so sharp. And he's such a, he just loves joke writing so much. Yeah, he does.

And so when these guys come in with a premise or whatever, he'll just go, you know, if you go, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba, and bam, the crowd that already heard that premise and punchline, but it's all restructured, he just repeats it back, because he has that math brain that's just like, da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah. Notoriously, like, one of the most respected comedy writers around town, and the writing gigs that I've done,

he's come up in every writer's room, and everybody around a table that are working together always ends up talking about where and when they worked with Bob Oshkosh and how cool and nice he is. That's awesome. That's so good to hear. He's always a good, you say good stomach? Good six-pack?

Yeah, it always organically happens. Way better than that McGuire stomach. McGuire? Chris McGuire. Who? Chris McGuire. Oh, Chris McGuire's stomach? How's that?

I've never seen Chris's. Seems like he's a normal guy. The only one I ever see. How do you get a Chris McGuire stomach reference? Like, that might be the most difficult to put your head around. Because if you don't know Chris McGuire, he's a funny stand-up comedian. He's not, doesn't have, like, an unusual stomach. It's a normal, he looks like a normal guy.

Yeah. If he's standing there, to be sure that that was his. If you saw Joey Diaz's stomach in a side view, you're like, yeah, that looks like we're outright. It's about Joey. If you saw a silhouette and someone said,

whose stomach is that? You wouldn't go, Tony Hinchcliffe. But Chris McGuire, fuck, man. It could be Jamie. It could be Chris McGuire now I want to know now. I want to see I wish he's normal Yeah, he's um he's great guy to Chris McGuire him Greg Fitzsimmons, and I started out like within a week of each other That's so crazy. Yeah, it's interesting

It's interesting all these years later I have that same thing with a few guys, and it's amazing because there's definitely a special bond that happens when you know that you start around the same time. Yeah, for sure. And you've known each other through the whole process of being fucking horrible, totally incompetent, but just starry-eyed for the idea of being a comic and chasing these dreams together.

And there's nothing more fun than when you see one of those guys doing something cool. Yeah. But it's cool just seeing comics do something cool. And we've all been talking about this at the store lately, that this is one of the things about this generation and this era, as it were. Is that a good thing to say? This era of comedy? But this time.

Is that people, like, comics are real supportive of each other. And I don't think that ever existed before. There wasn't, like, a bunch of comics promoting each other on shows like the way people are now. It didn't really exist before because there were so few spots. Like, if you got on TV, you had to covet it. You had to

this is mine. It was like this famine mentality. But now that a lot of what we're doing is internet driven, whether it's your Netflix special, which comes out this Friday. Yeah. January 18th? 15th. 15th.

January 15th, One Shot. It's available this Friday. Whether it's stuff like that, which is internet based, which is almost all of the fucking specials that you're hearing about now are these internet-based specials and television shows that are internet-based I mean Netflix is just they have so much fucking programming now there's so many different things that you can watch that are internet-based that I think comics have like most of us have gotten to podcast a giant amount of us and you realize like this is way more fun and

way easier to do than a television show. Yeah. And through that, everybody says, yeah, you should do it too. And you should do it too. And they all do it together. And you develop this weird network. And this is like a network of supporters. So I think when we all see someone who's doing really good, you know, it's interesting.

It's interesting to watch. It's like, ooh, it's happening again. Yeah. again yeah you know it's amazing brian your new podcast was in the top 15 yeah it got down to seven at one point really yeah that's amazing sage francis is really amazing we had him on the second episode that's awesome dude i'm so glad you decided to do it too because you you know you have a very unusual sense of humor that a lot of people like. It's like trying to find the right vehicle for it. It's like I think the right vehicle for you is just do your own thing. Do your own thing, and when you do do it, it's fucking fun,

because you get to be free. You get to be you. You're just such a silly weirdo. And I'm trying to lose 40 pounds in three months, the first three months of the episode. So I weigh in every episode. And today I weighed in 14 pounds less since January 1st. Wow. That's awesome, man.

I love doing these with you, too. I mean, it's always fun. We always have a good time. It's always silly. But I'm really glad you're doing your own as well because I think that it's going to be real successful. your own as well because i think that it's going to be i think it's going to be real successful it's going to be and it's it's it's all it's it's something that you can pursue and like you could say i want to talk to this interesting person i want to talk to this cool guy like maybe i can get him on my podcast and then all of a sudden you get him and you're sitting there talking to

this person and as a per as a human being like if you're allowed to pursue your interests like that it's it's very enriching and i think what the audience gets out of it and that's such a fucking pompous word but that is what it's like it's like enriching and what the audience gets out of it it's like they get to go on this like really cool adventure with you and some of the best aspects of the adventure like having conversations with these cool and funny and interesting people they get to be in on them they get to sit there and and be a part of like your little adventure through choosing your interests and so that's why i think everybody should every like comic who has any interest in it whatsoever should have a podcast because you get to see them go down their little the adventure

of their interests you know like if you listen to Bill Burr's podcast, I don't pay attention to football. It's the only part I can't listen to when he starts talking about football and they should have done this and the defense was that. Because he's a football fucking fanatic. But the rest of it is just Bill talking about how he's living his life and how he's going through his life.

And it's really interesting. It's really interesting to follow someone, follow their interests, follow like what make what's, what's curious to them. Like when you don't have any other agenda, like when your agenda isn't man, what I need, we need to get good ratings. We're going to need to get some people in here that are doing some things that people are aware of, which is how you think of like every other talk show, right? They all become almost generic in a way.

Because even like Letterman, who is like fiercely independent and very smart and just overly critical of like shitty stuff. And a smart guy, like didn't like his own stuff half the time. He would do his own show and it would be brilliant. And he'd be like, fuck, I hate myself. Like he was crazy like that, right? That was like the thing about Letterman. But who did he have on his show?

Like regular people, man. Who's selling a fucking movie? Who's selling a song? Who's selling this? Who's got a TV show? It's the same thing. And so Dave would have humorous conversations with these people and say funny stuff. But the bottom line is that's not who he chooses.

That's not what he wants to do. If you could say all cost aside all consideration of ratings aside who would you want to talk to Dave then you would get a chance to see but the way the system is set up even though it's a fantastic system if it works out and you get something like the Jimmy Fallon Tonight Show

which I think is excellent I think Jimmy Fallon is the best Tonight Show guy ever I have a showcase for it tonight I think he's the best he's fucking great I can't talk about anything that i've been working on that's what's funny though i have this brand new uh 15 minute chunk that i'm just in love with right now like it's just expanding and breathing and i'm talking about crazy crazy shit but i thought i was thinking about it on the way here because i just got the call my manager's like hey Are you available to do a tonight show showcase tonight?

And I'm literally like yeah, heck yeah, buh-buh-buh and I get off the phone And I start thinking about everything I've been working out and I know for a fact. I can't do any of it Not a single bit that sucks. Yeah, I know that feeling you get these new weapons Oh, yeah, and they're right there, and I know I would kill harder than anybody else on this I don't even know who's on it but I just know like how I feel about my material right now is like I'm in like championship mode and uh with this new stuff though that's what's crazy it's like I'm gonna have to really figure out and finagle something because well look at it this way think of the

tonight show with no censorship think of of The Tonight Show on Netflix. How good would that show be? Totally. How good would that show be if someone like Jamie Foxx could go on and sit next to the couch and say whatever the fuck he wants? Yeah. Someone like Mike Tyson swearing. Why did I go with two black people? I love your Jamie Foxx love.

I love that guy. I think Jamie Foxx is amazing. If you heard his interview with Tim Ferriss, you would look at him in a different light. I've always thought he was insanely talented. The fact that he could play Ray Charles, and then he played the guy with mental illness that was a homeless guy who was a musician in the Robert Downey Jr. movie. He can act his fucking ass off. And he's singing in right, too. Exactly.

And Django Unchained. I mean, unbelievable. When you listen to the way he talks to Tim Ferriss, you kind of get an understanding of why he's the way he is. Just a bad motherfucker. Just a super talented, super sharp thinking dude. Interesting. I love that guys like that exist.

You don't necessarily want to do what they're doing, but just knowing that there's people like that that exist, you're like, wow. Yeah, real rock stars. Mm-hmm. Dudes are just, they're operating on a fucking super high level with a lot of different things. Like, Jamie Foxx can sing his ass off.

Yeah. Like, he sings really good. Totally. Yeah. It's insane. Like, he could just do, he could do any one of those careers regularly. good totally yeah it's insane like he could have he could just do he could do any one of those careers regularly i know it's interesting right it's interesting i don't know how much stand-up he does anymore though i don't know i think he got to doing too

many different things stand-up's definitely one of those things where yeah you got to be doing just that yeah yeah gotta work it if you're work it. If you're not doing it. If you're not doing it all the time, boy, it gets slippery, huh? Yeah. I just took four nights off in a row for the first time in like forever. Four nights in a row. How'd you feel? I felt, I came back crushing.

Do you think it was reinvigorating? It was animalistic. I just saw him. I remember it was last night. i was my first spot in four nights and i'm just standing in the back of the room with just fucking like i was like i'm crazy you know what i mean i just love that you're crazy you're so silly you're crazy but literally like i go up there and uh it was at the irvine improv it was insane this lady stood up during my set at one point because i'm talking about this one

part of one thing where i talk about how trump's gonna win this shit and here's why you know what i mean and basically like this lady stands up and you can tell that i'm a comedian on a stage everybody else could but this one lady out of 200 stands up and starts waving her arms, and she's like, stop, stop, stop. I'm like, oh shit, but I'm still like staying in the pocket,

going with the joke, but for another like 10 seconds, but she's still like, stop, stop, and it's, my jokes were killing, so I'm like, you motherfucker,

so I bailed out, and I go, what the fuck is your problem, lady? What is, what's going on? She's like, Donald Trump will never be our president. Oh, my God. What makes your opinion so big that you're talking and none of these other 200 people are yelling right now? I go, what the fuck makes your vote such a big deal? What do you do for a living? And she goes,

well, basically, I go, what the fuck do you do for a living? The crowd's just going crazy. She goes well right now I'm unemployed. I go then your vote doesn't even fucking matter. You're not even paying taxes. Wow. This is this whole crazy thing. But she ended up leaving. Of course. She should have been kicked out. You can't just stand up

and interrupt a bit in the middle of the bit. Do you stand up at a movie and say don't kill Han Solo. You don't do it. Right. You don't do it. Yeah. You can't,

it's stupid. Yeah. It's stupid. She was flipping me off. It was so great. I was just destroying her entire long walk out of the Irvine Improv.

It's a long walk too. Yeah. Dude, come on. So much fun. People need to stop. Hecklers need to fucking just not ever go see shows. They need to stop.

Wrong guy. When you make that hour drive to Irvine. It's just they don't know, man. I think people just don't know how ridiculous that is. You know? Yeah. I just don't think they realize that you're in the middle of this piece, and this piece has a lot of places that it has to go to. You have to go left, and you have to go right,

and you have to trick them a little bit, and then you bring it home at the end. And this woman is in the middle of this thing, screaming out. And it's interesting, because I've tried here and there with jokes over the eight years of doing this, but I'm never really a political guy but with this new election thing that I'm doing right now I feel like really good about it but it's amazing how the different reactions that you get

around the country doing this stuff this is a charged subject yeah it's a charged subject in a weird time this is probably the weirdest election ever because this is the only election I can ever remember where there's only one candidate that his supporters are really fucking excited about him. And then there's a bunch of other people that you're like, man, I don't know. I don't know. I mean, like Bernie Sanders seems like a really nice guy. You know? I mean, he doesn't seem evil at all. Right. I mean, maybe he's the best of all the choices available, except for people who make money. I'd love it if he got in. I'd love it if he just won the election and was just like, I was just fucking with you guys the whole time.

I'm an old white man. Go fuck yourselves. Back to the old system. You know? I don't think he would survive. I mean, he already looks like he's done a few terms. You know what I mean? He does, right?

All these other presidents go in there looking good, dark brown hair, and then they all come out looking like, what's his name? I'm not who we're talking about. Obama. Look at Obama. We've shown side-by-side images of him from 2009 to 2015. It's crazy. He looks like he's aged like 20 plus years. Yeah.

Easily. It's a hard job, man. I don't think anybody can do it. I think at one point in time we're going to realize that the idea that we keep clinging to of a single guy that's in charge of the whole country is stupid. It doesn't make any sense. Why would you have one person's in charge of the whole country is stupid. It doesn't make any sense. Like, why would you have one person be in charge of anything? Why not have, like, a gigantic team of people? And why not have the influence of the public on a daily basis

be tuned in to this gigantic group of people? With, of course, reasonable filters for hysterics when something crazy happens and all of a sudden people want to nuke you know some country or something like that system to change what's amazing is like I think that we would have to have basically a Trump as a president for people to really have a discussion over four years about how things have to change because of you know mmm and depends on how he does at the same time.

Well, there's some of the things he says, like I actually can like the other day, I don't know. I was just walking out of a hotel and the news was on the TV and it says, you know, Trump says that Germany terrorist attacks are because they let those people in. That's all that I saw.

And first I'm like, yeah, what an idiotic thing to say. And then I thought about it and it's like, well, they did let what? Like a million people in or something crazy? Well, there's a real issue in Germany. Yeah. And the mayor of Cologne, which is in this insane move, was telling women how they should behave around these men.

And that they should stay within arm's length It's fucking crazy. It's victim blaming I mean they're resorting to victim blaming To try to take focus away from the fact that what they've done is they've let in a bunch of people from another culture who? Behave differently mm-hmm. It's maybe not their fault. Maybe let's look at it this way This is the way they lived in their other country. They're coming into your country, they're going to behave the way they've behaved

all 37 years of their life. Yeah. Because that's what they do. And so now you have to deal with that in your culture. And the way to deal with it is not to say women should fucking stay arm's length away from these people. It's to educate these people about the rules of this place.

You can't do that. You can't just sexually assault women. Girls could dress however the fuck they want, and you can't tell those girls, now you're on your own. You just have to stay arm's length away from somebody. You can't. Because everybody's so scared of being racist. Everybody's so scared of being Islamophobic that they don't want to point out, forget

about ideologies, or forget about skin color, people of origin. You have some people that are doing something that's not good to some people that haven't had these things done to them like this before. You got to figure out what to do. You let in a different culture. It's not their fault, but it is. It is what it is. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's not, you can't deny that it exists.

It is. It is. You know what I'm saying? I mean, it's not, you can't deny that it exists. It is. It is a thing. And there's a lot of people that are pointing to, they're pointing to letting people like that in this country. And they're saying, well, you know, what are we going to do? What are we going to do if Syrian refugees come into America? Are we just going to invite a million Syrian refugees into America? And if you look at the history of America, that's what people have always done. We've always let in people from other countries who are trying to get away.

And that's how this country got founded. So ideally, we'd all want to say, yeah, these are the people that are running away from the people that are doing terrible things to them. But you're going to get some shitheads. You're definitely going to get some shitheads. So how do you deal with that? That's a good question. I don't think that's a question for one person I mean even in one person in a cabinet and one person has like veto power and

what man I think there should be a fucking team of PhDs and super smart motherfuckers with who get evaluated on a regular basis for ego problems alcoholism all the above I mean you should have if're, you're testing mixed martial arts fighters, see if they're on steroids. You should be testing congressmen and senators, see if they're fucking crazy. Right. See if they're, what, what are they on? You know, what kind of fucking antidepressants are you on that's affecting your judgment?

What, you know, how often do you take Valium? How often do you take Ambien to go to sleep? What do you, what happens? You lose a sleep cycle there or something? Is there some wacky non-sleep that's going on when you're Ambiened go to sleep? What happens? Do you lose a sleep cycle there or something? Is there some wacky non-sleep that's going on when you're Ambiened out of your head? Oh, yeah. Viagra, these congressmen. What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony?

All the blood rushing down. What are they doing with the Viagra, Tony? Making their wieners bigger. Wow. Are you sure? Yeah, I think. Jesus. Yeah. yeah congressmen and senators and representatives state representatives this is a representative government it's all a pot weird popularity contest like arnold

schwarzenegger was the governor like that doesn't make a good choice any sense but it does he's a fiscally conservative guy who's open-minded in a sense of like socially open-minded like in terms of uh how he views uh gay people and and even recreational drug use and things along those lines he's very open-minded almost like with a libertarian bent but a republican so it actually he wasn't a bad choice he didn't do a great job but guess what you're dealing with a bunch of shit, a bunch of red tape and bullshit. And if you ever hear him describe his time in office, it's pretty interesting stuff. Like you don't realize, I think, from the outside, like someone like you or I have zero political aspirations or motivations. Once you get in, man, you're dealing with this insane system of how things get done

and how people will filibuster and people will block this because it'll anger their constituents because these people are paying for that and these people are paying you to make sure that this doesn't pass through because that'll get that through. You watch House of Cards? Yeah. I just started. Oh my God. That's great.

That's my favorite thing. I don't know how accurate it is, but if it's even fucking 10%, we're doomed. Yeah. Exactly. If it's even 10%. It's a great show though. Yeah. Kevin Spacey's a bad motherfucker.

Yeah. I love it when he looks at the camera and just starts talking. He's another one. He's a different guy in this. He's a different guy in this show with a very distinct accent and you buy it. You're not going like, that's Kevin Spacey. Right. He just becomes that person.

He becomes another person. Frank Underwood. What's going on with that shirt, Brian? What is that? What? Oh, the security guard shirt? Is that what it is? Yeah, I got it at the thrift store.

It's funny when I wear it, because I went to Starbucks, and Mexicans gave me double looks real quick. It was pretty funny. They thought you were security? Wow. How rude. That's so quick. It was pretty funny. They thought you were security. How rude. That's so racist. But it happened twice. Today it happened twice. Why is it that they chose a blue color with a dark blue pocket thing for security?

That's universal. It looks like he got his badge ripped off of him. In a violent struggle. Maybe he did it himself when he quit. Fuck this job. That's what you want to do when you quit the sheriff's department, right? You pull that star off and you throw it on the ground. I'm done.

You've watched Making a Murderer, right? I have not watched Making a Murderer. I know, I keep hearing it. I watched Soaked in Bleach. Yeah, that's good. I was going to say, what did you think about that? Soaked in Bleach? Yeah. There's a lot in, like, yeah. Whew.

There's a lot in that movie, man. That's the movie that alleges that Courtney Love was involved in some way in Kurt Cobain's death. It's too long of a movie, but yeah. It's too long? Yeah. If you watch the other movie and then watch that movie. Which other movie? The official one with his daughter made Francis, what is it called again?

Montage. Montage of Heck. Yeah, that's the HBO one, right? Right. That seems more like closer to what I think really happened. I didn't see that one.

Just drugs and it doesn't make Courtney look like she's murdering. It just looks like he wanted to kill himself the whole time and he put it in his lyrics.

He wrote about it. He was, you know, it was like it was going to happen. I mean mean that's what that movie made it seem more like it's so hard to decipher when someone's gone what they were what they actually thought and what they actually were like because when you put it through the filter of what we know about how we describe other people and might be off about something or how people describe the past and they try to idealize certain aspects of it. Like if it was made by his daughter, she wasn't alive when he was doing that.

So she's getting it from other people who were there, who, you know. He's getting it from his own music and journals. It has home movies and it has everything in it. Like that, it's pretty much, I believe that. I feel like Montage of Heck is like a documentary

about Kurt Cobain and Soaked in Bleach is a documentary about the possibility of Courtney killing him. Yeah. And I'll tell you this, is that no matter

what happened, it's unbelievable how bad the Seattle Police Department dropped the ball on that. To walk in on some guy that just killed himself That's worth God only knows what I mean

I don't even know if they say during that but you know his collection has to be worth what at least a hundred million dollars There's something crazy. Well, it's just a bad police department Yeah, it was just what it was is a high-profile case in a bad police department But now imagine that they had probably been running that police department in a shitty way for as long as that guy had been running it. Because as long as you're a regular person that doesn't have the public's eye paying attention to the case with extreme scrutiny. And again, this is in 1994, right? You know, today it would be a different animal. Today it would be in social media and it would blow up and it would be gigantic.

It would be way more scrutiny. But it would be in social media and it would blow up and it'd be gigantic. It'd be way more scrutiny. But back then they could kind of consolidate everything. They could compartmentalize everything and they just shitted the whole thing up. They, they're, they're fucking, their accounts differed from the first responders accounts. Their description of the room differed.

There's so much of it that was off. It was that they are, they're terrible. You know, and it was just, they had never done a high profile case. So their, It was that they are they're terrible you know and it was just they had never done a high-profile case So they're they're terrible Police work hadn't been revealed to anybody that wasn't like the victim of it

You know someone who I mean I'm assuming that if they fucked up this case He probably fucked up other ones as well You're gonna shit yourself when you watch this show man You should just cut all the shows off right now and just watch the first episode and you will making a murder Yeah, you will go crazy. That's what I keep hearing. You'll have podcasts for weeks about it. I'm scared. I'm scared to dive deep into this fucking guy's, poor guy's life.

It's crazy. It's unbelievable. Hey, man, police officers are people. That's it. There's going to be real good ones and real bad ones. There's no doubt about it. And just because you get through the fucking academy tests and get into the position, it doesn't mean you've got the fucking academy tests and get into the uh the

position it doesn't mean you've got your shit together or you're worthy it just means you didn't fuck up yet and just because you're a cop doesn't mean you're a bad person there's a lot of cops that are fucking awesome they're great people and that's a job that they think is uh it's it's important it's a job that they think is very beneficial to our society and uh they do it the best they can and those people are important. Those people are the ones that get overlooked. And when you see terrible cops doing terrible things, those are terrible. When you see terrible people doing terrible things, do you give up on people?

Do you say, fuck, man, I hate people now. Some guy just stomped a kitten to death on a YouTube video. I hate people. I hate people. I can't. I fucking I don't want to talk to anybody anymore. That's ridiculous because most of us would never do that. And I think that's the same thing with cops.

There's a lot of fucking cops. And they're dealing with a lot of interactions every day. Every day. All day long. You're dealing with people stealing things. People doing things to people. And people who might do things to you. And they're fucking, they're just overwhelmed with stress all the time.

Especially now that the media is coming out hard. Oh a lot of them are bad i just spent a couple days on a top secret project but with cops and uh it is it i learned so much you learn a lot immediately about the current perception like you know they're very you know defensive and it's it's incredible to watch but like so it got me more into like i've been watching a lot of these police shootings and things there's not many where you know if you're going for a gun like if you have your hand in your pocket and they're like take your hand out of your pocket you have to take your hand out of your pocket i don't i don't have any sympathy for anyone who doesn't do that immediately and i I get it. There's like mental health issues and stuff. And I think that's the

exception to it. And yeah, sometimes it's totally like you said, incident to incident. But the media really really messed up the cops, man. Everybody's on edge with them right now. Well, how can you say the media messed them up when there's all these videos of cops

shooting people for no reason, doing terrible shit like planting evidence, that guy that throws the taser down when he shoots that guy who's running away from him? There's a lot of really hardcore video evidence of cops doing terrible things. I think they just have to look at it in a balanced perspective. The media is not doing anything wrong by reporting these things. They're making those cops accountable. Right. But I think what we have to be really careful is blaming all cops exactly and that's where it's fun I think that's where like the media makes it a little

bit blander than just the specific guy they use the word police instead of officer blah blah blah well how about this like if you saw something and you saw a cop like on a YouTube video do something and you did something terrible when you see another cop that guy It's you're not in the same city. You don't even know this guy. This guy's just a person you don't you don't make him responsible for something that some guy did in North Carolina But kind of people do kind of people do if you go and watch some YouTube video of some cop doing some horrible shit in the Oakland subway

And then all sudden you're in downtown LA and some cop looks at you funny like a fucking pig. You hate that guy because of something that someone else did that's in his organization that he most likely has never met in his life. Imagine if we did that with people. Imagine if some person did something fucked up in New York and you're down in Florida and you're like, fucking piece of shit. And this guy's like, what are you talking about? I know what you are, man. You're a fucking person. You're a regular dude with a dick.

And I know what that guy did in New York. And you're just like him. Like what? This one cop told me, you know, like a kid ran up to him the other day. Like he's walking down a sidewalk or whatever, donut shop or somewhere. And like a little kid walks up and is like, hey, you know, hi, Mr. Officer. Like a little like, you know is like, hey, hi, Mr. Officer. Like a little three or four-year-old. And some lady walks over and she grabs her little boy and is like, no, you stay away from these murders.

Whoa. And had an in-depth talk with this police officer. And it's like, not only is that terrible that they're being called a murder, but imagine the feeling of like knowing that that's the next generation and that's the type of, you know much crime and we have too much violence. And it's just it's the way it is now. It's like they're our shield that protects us from bad people. But another part of me looks at it and says that the dynamic of a person in control with ultimate lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic. lethal power and then everyone else around them is a bad dynamic it's not an it's it the dynamic in and of itself can create conflict because there's always going to be resistance to this idea of someone who lives amongst you who has ultimate power over you and who if the chips go down the wrong way they might shoot you and kill you and they can get away with that and they

could say you attack them or you were reaching for something they thought was a gun. Who knows what kind of personal vendetta they might have against you. Who knows what kind of stress they might have been under when they pulled the trigger. But they could do it to you. They're allowed to have a gun on them. And you can't. Even if you're a guy who's never done anything wrong and you're walking around, you're going

to feel weird around cops. Like, maybe you respect them feel weird around cops like you You'll maybe you respect them intellectually. You'll say thank you for your service I appreciate everything you guys are doing stay safe, but in the back your head You fucking know that if things got ugly they could shoot you like if somehow or another you got in an altercation with them You would you you go towards them and you're in somehow or another way threatening or physical they'll gun you down you know they'll gun your dog down if your dog starts running at them and barking we've seen videos of that adrenaline man that really just puts a blanket on your head

that's like when you say uh when people say you know get your hand out of your pocket man that guy's adrenaline's overtaken his body to the point he doesn't understand words. I mean, I got robbed. I had no idea what was going on. Exactly. Exactly. That's a real good point. It's a real good point as far as the people they pull over. When you get a jolt of adrenaline.

Yeah, and I feel like I'm shady when the cop comes up. I know. And there's like nothing even going, you know what I mean? I'm just like, you know. And all of a sudden I'll be like turning down the radio and they're like take your hand out of the middle there put your hand on the street i'm like oh god and then my like hands go up you know what i mean instead i said the steering wheel you know it's like i haven't even seen this guy yet and i'm yeah yeah it is it's really it just takes over everything yeah and imagine you know you you pull someone over and there's some brock lesnar looking

motherfucker sitting in the driver's seat, and he doesn't want to make eye contact with you and says, what did I do wrong, officer? And you're like, oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Have a nice day, sir. You know if this guy gets out of the truck, he's just going to literally rip you to pieces, or he might pull out a machine gun under his car seat and start gunning you down.

Who knows? Who knows? When you're pulling some guy over, you don't know if he's got a body in the trunk. You don't know if he's got 100 kilos of cocaine in his spare tire. You don't know shit. How much is 100? That seemed like a lot. 100 kilos would be like 220 pounds or something like that.

220 pounds. 100 kilos of acid, paper acid. Oh, my God. That's enough acid to kill the world, right? But you don't know. You pull somebody over, even a woman. She could be some crazy bitch who just got done killing her entire family, and she's driving to her mom's house to kill her, too.

Did you see the video that was released two days ago from Boston of a guy recording his ex-girlfriend just breaking his windows, scratching his car? Then he goes outside to be like, look what she did. She crushed my bumper. And then out of nowhere, she just comes from behind going like 50 miles an hour. No, he misses just by an inch,

but it hits his car. And if Jamie could pull up that video, you will freak. I mean, the anger, this crazy woman. And that right there, she supposedly has already gone to court twice and said that he has hit her and done all this shit. But just watching this video, you go, oh, no. Look at this poor guy, what he's dealing with.

That guy needs to get one of those sperm switches. Make sure he doesn't get knocked up. He will wind up fucking her again. If she's that crazy, you know what kind of pussy she must be throwing around? Oh, yeah. Just fucking liquid thunder. She's been wrecking that dude. Oh, yeah.

God. And, yeah, he couldn't leave his house. And his car. It was scary being in that situation, because she seemed like she would pull out a gun and just start shooting him. Well, anybody would try to hit you with a car. Right. You might as well be shooting at me. Yeah. Trying to hit someone with a car, that's death. Well, anybody would try to hit you with a car. Right. You might as well be shooting at me. Yeah.

Trying to hit someone with a car, that's death. Oh, yeah. Okay, let's give some volume, young Jamie. This is what he's showing what she did. So he just keyed this out of my car. It actually just got painted over. Is that as loud as it gets? Watch this.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh, my God She's got a Mercedes And what does he have a Honda She tried to hit him She just tried to hit him with the car And then if you saw the beginning of it

She was outside just smashing windows But dude he didn't even know she was coming He wasn't even looking and she almost killed him Oh she's coming back Yeah she's coming back No way. Yeah. Oh, my God.

This bitch is crazy. Back that ass up. Who ran? Who? What is she going to do? And I'm going inside because I want to avoid any further issues. She rammed her Mercedes into his Honda. I think she's finishing up on the car.

Oh my God, she's coming out with a crowbar. Like it broke his back. No, she has just smashed my window, my rear windshield. Oh my God. Oh my god. Yeah, and at the beginning, she broke windows in his house, and he's in the house. Like, she's breaking my windows in my house now. Whoa.

It's a freaky video. Does that make your blood pressure go up? Jesus Christ. It's crazy. When she came out of her car with the crowbar, I was like, oh shit, this just got real as fuck. That's how people die. She got him arrested earlier, like previously, because he was at his brother's house or something. And she just said that he was beating her up and the cops came and arrested him. Yeah, so she's been tormenting him for like a long time.

I hope that devil's advocate. What if she's telling the truth and he was beating her up and she's like, enough of this punk-ass motherfucker. I'm going over his house at a crowbar. I'm going to run this bitch over with a fucking truck. Right. And fun fact, if you Google her name, Jamie, or his name, I don't know if you can find this, but they actually were a rap duo. And they have rap videos together. Oh, my God.

What have you done? What spiral have you let us down? I hope he at least did something good. You know what I mean? Like banged a supermodel or something. I'd be really disappointed to find out that he left her with a bill at Red Lobster or something like that. She's like just furious. Yeah, what could have possibly been that bad that she wanted to kill him with a

car well to ram a mercedes into his honda is like you know it's like throwing fucking money at somebody's face like you piece of shit i hate you well that's a pump move though that's a pumped up move yeah it is throwing you're pumped up if you're fucking throwing money in someone's face bitch you don't give a fuck didn't't someone do, someone did that to like, to P. Diddy. It was like a story in some article about some violence

that had broken out in this club. People getting shot because some guy showed up at one of P. Diddy's things. You know, P. Diddy's like, famous for going to these clubs

and he'd have the velvet rope and all this money and all these bottles and that was his whole thing, right? His whole thing was flossing and some guy came up to him and like, threw dollar bills in his face oh that had to hurt i bet one of his eyes got puffy and then that's a puff daddy joke right there that's maybe when he became diddy didn't like yeah puffy anymore maybe that was maybe they corresponded yeah

it depends yeah but something happened. I mean, that was, I think somebody got shot in that incident, right? Didn't somebody get shot or trampled or something like that? I'm pretty sure. I'm trying to look it up right now. I think Chris Brown was involved, and there was something about a bottle getting broken and someone's eye got lacerated. Oh, that's a different one. That's a different one.

No, that's a different one. That's a recent one. The P. Diddy one, he might have even been Puff Daddy, was in New York. That other one was out here. But, I mean, I'm sure there's been a lot of incidents. I was supposed to be on a fight with Drake at a club, too. P. Diddy? Yeah. How dare you? Who won? Please tell me, Drake.

I don't know. It was over a girl. Oh, man. Fighting over chicks. I just sent you the music video of the two people, Jamie. Throwing money in a guy's face is a real, like, I mean, that's like the ultimate, hitting a man with a glove or whatever, starting a duel.

That's the energy that he's put out to the world. It's perfect. Yeah. Because if you see P. Diddy walking down the beach with a dude who's holding an umbrella over his head, have you seen that? No. You haven't seen that?

Uh-uh. He has a manservant, and the manservant will follow him around with an umbrella. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Here we go, Jamie. It's the best. His name is Barnsworth, apparently.

That's amazing. Barnsworth? He's a character in a Spider-Man comic book. Barnsworth, can I have my umbrella, please? I mean, if P. Diddy was like some diabolical... Look at this. He's got a guy following him around with an umbrella. Oh, my God.

And the gentleman has a bow tie on. Why wouldn't you have a girl do that? You know, like if I won the Powerball, I'll have that, but a girl and she has to wear a bikini. I don't know, man. Well, it's a weird position, but maybe it's a really good gig like maybe he just gets to jet all over the world

and wear bow ties and all he has to do is hold an umbrella how fucking hard is that in a fake world what if P. Diddy liked guys and that was a way to have his boyfriend always with him in a fake world what a thinly veiled attempt at humor

Farnsworth Bentley attends the 2003 MTV Music Video Awards. I've gotten to work and hang out with Snoop Dogg quite a bit and he has an Asian guy who his only job and he's the best

at it is rolling blunts. He just rolls blunts and he's just the best blunt roller and it just comes up and it's like hey this is you know i don't remember his name exactly but it's like this is bubba he's the blunt roller guy and he just and when you hit it it just is like you it's like a rate laser coming at you you know how the end of a anything cherries up it's always even it's perfect he does it with his hands yeah like a science like he really like really like cuban massages that you could tell that he really takes his time very adhesive perfect cylinder damn hand rolled you

can almost tell that it was like just rolled there's no substitute for quality and craftsmanship it's true and you know i understand your snoop dog you smoke blunts all day continuously and he does like you you know you see all these all these different celebrities have their things and you're like oh i bet he doesn't really like that off stage but like snoop just he's unbelievably hilarious when it comes to smoking yeah you would think that the blunts I wonder what kind of paper they're using. Are they using like legit blunt? Which is what a blunt is for folks who are not aware is they take a cigarette or rather a cigar and take the tobacco out and then put weed in and roll it up together. And I never had one until I hung out with Charlie Murphy and his cousin Rich.

Woo! Yeah, they fuck you up. Daughter, daughter. First of all, because you're breathing in the tobacco smoke, which is an added element. Right. And it does something. It opens up your capillaries in your lungs so that more THC gets in your blood. It also has an effect of its own.

You know, the nicotine in the tobacco leaf has an effect of its its own and it's also unusual in the fact that that tobacco leaf is generally not inhaled you when you smoke a tobacco cigar you puff it but you don't take the big deep inhaling like lung filling breaths that you do when you smoke weed so if you smoke a blunt it's really kind of the only time you're breathing that smoke in, and it's a serious irritant. I think that's real unhealthy for you, to smoke those tobacco leaves all the way down. Right.

I think you can't do that every day. No. That's why, you know, Gino's little, that electronic cigarette blunt, that thing tastes great, and you don't have to do the nicotine part of it no gino's the shit la speed weed he knows what he's doing man he got pulled down from instagram isn't that hilarious instagram deleted his account or suspended his account or

whatever the hell they did because he's uh weed related like he's operating within the california laws he's selling something that everybody loves How come you have all these wine companies that have Instagram accounts and all these beer companies? Which I like wine. I like beer. We all do. What's wrong with weed? Geno's service is the greatest thing ever, by the way. He should get back at Instagram by making

a promo that's like the Instagram special where you get a gram of pot within 10 minutes some type of crazy promotion where it's like hey did you hear about the Instagram thing just use them as a marketing thing yeah that's funny Instagram's bitches man I can't

believe that Twitter they're great it's just they're a company they're trying to fucking make some money I get it how is it though that Twitter you're allowed to see buttholes but Instagram you can't even see nipples you know like well I think, because of the fact that you can see all that stuff, there's like a more, maybe more of a limit in as far as like what kind of ads they'll get. Whereas maybe Instagram, because they've been proactive in censoring people's

material, censoring the images and stuff that you're allowed to put up. Maybe they can sell more of those sponsored Instagram ads that way. They have a lot of those sponsored ads. You see them all the time now in your feed. I don't have a problem with it. You could show buttholes on Twitter. Yeah, you can do whatever you want on Twitter.

I think sponsored ads on Instagram are probably the least offensive ads ever because they take a fucking half of a second to go through. I agree. Whereas an ad on TV is the least offensive ads ever because they take a fucking half of a second to go through. I agree. Whereas an ad on TV is the most offensive. You're watching The Walking Dead and they're about to get jacked by zombies

and it fucking fades to black and it's, don't you want your car to shine like new? It's unbelievable. You're like, you fuckers. You fuckers have ruined the entire mood of this awesome show to sell me uh some wax or whatever the fuck you're selling yeah the artist took time to set a tone and a feel so much better if you watch it on itunes it's crazy to me like i remember when uh i we were making the show uh the burn a couple years ago on Comedy Central, Jeff Ross' show, and I wrote and produced it.

And, you know, it was the only show that I ever watched on TV because I was always doing stand-up and stuff, and I didn't even, like, have a TV. You know, that's back, like, this is, like, four or five years ago. Anyway, but after every, going into every commercial break during this comedy show that's at 10.30 at night, it was always a life alert commercial. Straight into, I've fallen and I need help. I'm dying here. You know what I mean? Who's going to save your grandma if you don't have life alert?

And it's like, now back to your comedy experience. It's like the worst type of stuff. It's terrible. Well, we all know that from doing stand-up or from going to the movies. If a movie got interrupted every 15 minutes for a commercial, you know how fucking pissed you would be at the end of that movie?

The problem with network television is the model they're using where you interrupt shows and show these commercials. It sucks. It sucks and you're stuck with it. You got to figure out a whole new way to show ads because people are done. And so their idea was, well, we'll just make ads more interesting.

We'll just make ads more creative. And they did that to a certain extent, but they still suck. Nobody wants to see them. Even if it's the most awesome ad ever, it's interrupting whether or not fucking Rick is going to get jacked by the zombies. Right. Right? And that's their cable.

That's even more fucked up. It's like AMC and the Independent Film Channel, IFC, and all these different channels. Those are cable. They can do whatever they want. They have to censor themselves to ensure that they get the right ads. So they self-censor just to get ads it's not like the abc cbs nbc those are governed by the fcc and so when when you're on television you're not allowed to swear you're not allowed to like there's there's a law but on cable there's no fucking laws that's why they say shit now unless they say asshole like there's a law but on cable there's no fucking laws that's why they say shit now unless they

say asshole like there's a lot of shows they get real close to saying fuck you but they don't really say fuck you but they get real close and that's because they're on cable the only reason why they don't do everything full nudity do whatever they want is ads that's it that's why hbo gets away with just going buck wild no. But try getting people to pay for shit today. Like if they don't produce things like Game of Thrones, if they don't have like specials like Whitney Cummings special, they don't have like a lot of original content. Amy Schumer's last special, a lot of original content

where people are going to seek it out specifically. Big time fights, whenever they have big time fights on HBO. If it's not that, it's hard getting people to pay today. Yeah, it really is. I mean, but at the same time, it sort of isn't. I feel like it's hard for the middle of the country, I think, is making the transition now. But Netflix is up to over 75 million subscribers or something like that. Every day it's going up by millions.

Yeah. And HBO is, I think, at like 25 million households right now. Wow. So, you know. That's nuts. I mean, I personally, I run completely off of, I have Netflix and I have HBO Go. And that is it. Like, if there's a sporting event on the TV, then I have to go to a local, you know, bar or something

or restaurant to check it out. That's just how I roll. You just don't want cable or satellite or anything like that? I don't ever use it. I don't ever use it. The only thing that might come on is, like, a college football game or the UFC or something like that. Yeah, but you have the UFC pass now.

Like, I mean, I cut the cable bill. I haven't looked back at all. You know, with Hulu Plus but you got the UFC pass now. I mean, I cut the cable bill. I haven't looked back at all. With Hulu Plus and you have the UFC app where it's just that's all you need. A lot of people are going that direction now. That's what they think the future is. They think the future is not going to be television. Especially now that TVs hook up to HDMI cables. They hook up to computers right away.

And a lot of TVs are now getting online. Like a lot of TVs out of now getting online like a lot of tvs out of the box of online ability and so they act as a small computer so you'll just be able to go straight i like my my tv by itself go straight to youtube i can go to youtube like what the fuck yeah like in you through itunes you do everything itunes connects you to netflix apple uh apple tv connects you to netflix do you get the new one yet? I tell you, that's worth the upgrade. It's one of my favorite things ever, just being able to go, Steve Martin.

And it pulls up every single Steve Martin movie. Oh, my God. You talk to it? Yeah, you just tell it. So you're like, you know, Walking Dead. And then you click on Walking Dead, and it says, available on Hulu or iTunes or Netflix. And it just takes you right there. Good googly moogly.

Yeah. That's what Puff Daddy has. Barnsworth do. He just says something. Walking dead, Barnsworth. Does he have to massage his feet at the end of a long day? Totally. Oh, yeah.

Get the lotion. But, okay, but if it's Barnsworth's choice, like, say if Barnsworth was, like, living in Columbus and he's working at a tire factory and then all of a sudden this guy came into town and go, dude, I've been looking for a guy to carry my umbrella. I'll pay you a million dollars a year. Yeah. You got to go with me to Paris, France and all over the world, but you'd be with me 24 hours a day.

And you're at my beck and call and you must massage my feet at the end of every night. I'd be like. He'd be like, I'm a millionaire and I know we're in a tire factory. Pinky in. Pinky's out. No, pinky in. Oh, in him? I don't think he's asking for that, Brian.

I just don't understand why you wouldn't have a girl. Well, because he would probably start fucking her and she would interfere in his business. And, you know, if she was hot, especially, and they're around each other all the time, at a certain point in time, she'd start complaining about not getting any dick. Like, God, these guys, I don't know what's wrong. I mean, they're still going to have sex with me. They're going to talk. Got to gag these girls.

You know, you're finding a human. What you want is a robot. You know, you want a replicant, like Blade Runner style, which we're going to have. It's going to happen. It's 20 years away. We're 20 years away from going over someone's house and they have a replicant yeah you're gonna go over your buddy's house and he's gonna have

a chinese lady with giant ridiculous tits and a waist that doesn't seem to be possible for the size of her tits and ass that's out of this world and she's gonna be cleaning up and you're not gonna be sure if she's real or not. You're going to be like, um, what's that? Is that a person? Is this a person or is that a replicant? And he'll pull you into the fucking kitchen and he'll explain it to you. Do you think when they, when we get close to that, that they're

going to first just let them out into the world and try to fool everybody to see if they can do it? Like a beta test? No, they're too expensive. But they're tracking them like hardcore. I think we'll test? No, they're too expensive. But they're tracking them, like hardcore. I think we'll know. No, I think we'll know when they develop one. When they get one to the point

where it's almost like a person, we're going to know. And it's going to be terrifying. When they sit that one down on television and we have a robot that adjusts his clothes and goes, so what would you like to know? You're going to go, oh my God, what know you're gonna go oh my god what have we done like what the fuck have we done yeah and how did what what do we know about what this thing has done to protect itself what do we know about what this thing has done to ensure that the ideas that

it has will continue and in some other form and the most important question how do you fuck it oh you're gonna be able to fuck it like you would a normal woman. They're going to be able to have artificial skin. They have artificial skin that they've already developed. So they've been able to develop skin in some sort of an experiment where they recreated a woman's bladder. They used stem cells, and they recreated her bladder. They created a new bladder, and then they put it back into her body, and it acts as a's bladder. They used stem cells and they recreated her bladder. They created a new bladder

and then they put it back into her body and it acts as a functioning bladder. They're going to be able to develop artificial skin or lab-created skin. So when these robots that you can fuck

become easily accessible, how much longer until women go extinct? How much longer until you go over your ex's house? Your ex is like 60 years old. She's dressed like the wife on Three's Company. You know, Mrs. Furley? She's dressed like Mrs. Furley.

And behind her are an army of seven-foot-tall black guys with giant dicks. And they're just stroking their shafts all day. She shuts that door. She goes, yeah, their shafts all day. She shuts that door. She goes, yeah, just put it over there. She shuts that door back to work and they just fucking stuff her all day. And she takes Mr. Furley's money and she invests it in these gigantic Bob Sapp looking Mandingo warrior dudes with giant ebony dicks. There's her.

So she comes to the door and yeah, oh, thank you, Mr. UPS driver. And the UPS driver takes a look down the hallway over her shoulder and sees all these guys just stroking it, staring out the window with glowing eyes. Oh, yeah. Do you think a big, crazy, vibrating robot dicks? Oh, yeah, why wouldn't they vibrate?

Of course. Oh, yeah. They'd probably punch you. Multiple switches on these fucking things. They whip like a whip. Do you think it would, you would have to clean the cum out of it or if it would just reuse the comforters later,

you know, like it was that advanced where it just used to. Well, it lives off cum ideally. That's the only way it stays alive. So it has to constantly be trying to turn you on. I sure would love a good charging this morning. From behind.

Please put it in my palm. You know, oversensitive people right now will be tuning in going, I can't believe what they're saying. I can't believe Tony Hinchcliffe is saying that women would go extinct. If someone made a perfect artificial woman that did everything that a man wants with no nagging. Why don't you want the nagging? Why don't you want a real woman? Yeah, because real women don't have a mute button, bitch. How dare you?

Mute and clean. All right, I'll be back in a couple hours. Bye, babe. Well, think about all the negative aspects of people, right? Jealousy and anger and that lady fucking their homicidal rage, smashing into that dude's car and then breaking all his windows. Think about all those negative aspects of being a person. Now think of all the positive aspects, all the great things that people can do when they're

wonderful to you and they're nice and supportive and loving and friendly and caressing and affectionate and just get rid of the bad stuff. And then you have this perfect person. Maybe Barnsworth is a robot and we just don't know it. Maybe. Maybe P. Diddy is just a man of the future. Is that possible that there's something super shady about a guy that holds an umbrella for a living?

They've always existed, though. I mean, that's the butler on fucking Batman. He never wants to kick ass. He never's like, look, I'm tired of this bullshit, dude. You leave me, you get all this fucking press, you're out there kicking ass. Nobody even knows me. I'm down here inventing shit. No, he doesn't care. There's always

been that guy. Yeah. Right? There's always been the manserv No, he doesn't care. I wonder if he's ever... There's always been that guy. Yeah. Right? There's always been the manservant role in those television shows. I wonder if anybody's ever gone to P. Diddy's house and accidentally left the door open and Barnsworth was like, were you born in a Barnsworth? It'd be a great line. Oh, you son of a bitch. I mean, if your name's Barnsworth... Damn you, Tony.

Barnsworth. When in Rome... Butlers are a weird thing, right? A man standing there with a little white towel over his arm, with his hand upright in a very correct and proper posture. Good day, sir. May I help you, sir? Like someone following you around getting you things.

Barnsworth, please fix me a drink. Scotch, two cubes of ice, and turn the music up very low, and please close the door when you leave. Right away, sir. Come in and take care of you. Imagine. Getting a woman. That'll do better.

Imagine also like switching of roles. What if like you were the really, really wealthy guy and you had yourself a Barnsworth? And Barnsworth did a wonderful job. But Barnsworth had ambitions of his own and Barnsworth left. And he left to start his own business. And that business was ultimately a gigantic success. Boy, it took off. But your business, well, the internet came along and gutted it.

And record companies just weren't making any money anymore. Those record stores, they don't exist. And you owned a chain of them. And that's how you had Barnsworth. And they went under. But Barnsworth, he created Napster. Yeah. And Barnsworth started balling.

Barnsworth was, he figured out how to make money off of YouTube ads. And Barnsworth, you know what he did, man? He started selling MP3s. Started putting that shit on iTunes. Now Barnsworth's worth hundreds of millions of dollars. And Barnsworth wants to hire you to be his butler. Now what do you do? That sounds like a great movie idea.

Yeah. Like Face Off. Trading faces. Trading faces. Yeah. Well, people who have butlers would hate to be a butler. Once you have a butler, you never want to go to being a butler yeah that would be that would be diabolical yeah once you have some dude who stands there like a like a knight in front of a castle with his little white perfect

tuxedo looking jacket on the or tuxedo shirt i would love that the few times that i've gotten a fly first class i mean having just having somebody come up once in a while and be like is there anything i can get for you anything at all it's always just the greatest feeling i can't imagine having a full-time barnsworth they would grow to hate you they would taser you like david spade's guy tasered him but i totally think that david spade out of barnsade's guy tasered him. But I totally think that. David Spade had a Barnsworth. And he tasered him? Tacked him. What?

Yeah, tacked him. Oh my goodness. I wasn't there. Allegedly tasered him, fucked him up. It was like a big case. It was in the news. I think the dude just got enough. David Spade had a butler, huh?

Enough. He had an assistant, which is a milder version of a Barnsworth. Yeah. You know, some dude who follows you around, tells you when you're supposed to be somewhere. His name is Skippy. Skippy. Skippy. Skippy. Do you guys remember Skippy from Family Ties? No.

Remember Skippy from Family Ties? Yeah. He was on that show with Michael J. Fox and then went from that into stand-up. And he would be on the road in places we were in the early, early days. But I don't know what happened. What does he do now?

I don't know. That's hard. Screech did that for a while too, right? From Saved by the Bell? I had to roast him one time. We did one of these roasts of the... No, it was the roast of Ron Jeremy. And I had to roast Screech.

Oh my God, it was so much fun. He's completely out of his element, but it was so much fun. I told him, nowadays when I watched episodes of Saved by the Bell, I think to myself, why couldn't there be a school shooting back then? Too soon!

Boom! Too soon! Too soon. I guess Too soon. Too soon. I guess he stabbed someone at a nightclub in Minnesota. Did he stab someone or was he involved in a stabbing? I had heard about it. He was at a bar. Some dude was fucking with his chick.

He pulled out his knife. Oh, my God. I was actually talking to him the day before that happened and then the day after that happened. Really? Yeah. What's he like? He's nice. nice i like him a lot is he a good guy you called him or he called you did you reach out to the speech out what dm'd each other jamie's clearly had too much i mean uh tony's clearly had too much weed today yeah Reach out to the screech out. That came out of your mouth.

You know, it's funny as last time I did a podcast with you, we talked about puns and I defended puns and I said, people make a, you know, only people that can't make puns, like say that puns are hacky because everybody loves puns when they're good. And so I've been getting like smashed in my Twitter mentions, uh,

in a great way. Like people send me like funny things that they thought of. And it's like my favorite thing. Now people are like, Hey, this happened today. Crazy pun, right?

Like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they send me the thing. That's funny. Now you love those.

Those to you were like little gifts. Oh yeah. The universe gives you, and you know, they're corny. Cause as you're saying them, I see your, your see your smile starts to turn up as you're saying it. It's my favorite thing. You fucker.

It's so like, because they're always in the moment. I always love stuff that's like right, that like just happened and only can last a second. Fleeting. Yeah, fleeting. So this is the special that comes out this Friday is the one that you did at our world famous Ice House Comedy Club. Yeah. Fleeting. So this is the special that comes out this Friday is the one that you did at our world famous Ice House Comedy Club. Yeah. Our favorite spot or one of our favorite spots right next to.

Oh, let's play the trailer. Is there a trailer? Yep. Play the trailer. A little something. Powerful. Tony Hinchcliffe, entrepreneur. That's me.

That's how it starts. This is how it starts it's one complete shot this is what's really cool about it you follow Tony from the outside where he's smoking in front of the headliner spot in the parking alley

into the club and on stage and it never misses a beat one continuous take no cuts no editing but there is a cut right there in the trailer. Unfortunately.

Or else you'd see Joey Diaz bringing me up. Which is awesome. Why'd you throw your cigarette on the ground at the beginning of the video? Because you're a fucking slob. Because I'm done. Because you're littering. I had a Barnsworth there to pick it up. You did not have a Barnsworth.

You just wanted to be the cool guy. Josh Martin. Josh Martin. A.K.A. Barnsworth We did not have a Barnsworth. You just wanted to be the cool guy. Josh Martin. Josh Martin. You hate Barnsworth. We got to call him Barnsworth from now on. It's Barnsworth. Don't you fucking do his list. I have no idea why these guys call me Barnsworth now.

I was with somebody the other day, and I was like, who was your favorite comic on the night? And I had Josh on the show, and she goes, oh, Josh Martin was my favorite. I'm like, Josh? Really?

You like Josh? And she goes, dude, Josh Martin was my favorite. I'm like, Josh, really? You like Josh? And he goes, dude, he says rape with a W. That was hilarious. He's killing. He's absolutely murdering. I've been randomly, you know, Monday nights are weird.

I randomly, once in a while, just go to check in at like 10 p.m. whenever we're done with the podcast every time and he's always on because he just got done with our podcast. So he has a thing where he always gets to go on right when we're done with the podcast every time and he's always on because he just got done with our podcast so he has a thing where he always gets to go on right when we're done so he goes downstairs and that's always I always say hi to

a few people and then I'm in there he's murdering right now Josh that like has that speech impediment with like his ahs it's a nice guy he followed Rogan on the secret show the other day like 300 people he had to go up right after Rogan it It was great. Did he do okay?

Yeah, he did okay. Stayed alive. Yeah. Stayed alive. Yeah. That's really tough. And he's only been doing it, how long now? Two and a half years.

Yeah. I fell in love with him the first time that I saw him. I was hosting that night and they were making like some little promo video for the comedy store and it was the first time that I ever saw him on stage. like some little promo video for the comedy store and it was the first time that i ever saw him on stage and i and they're like they asked me to interview you know just walk around and explain how potluck works because they wanted to make a little two-minute video for the comedy so i think it's still on their website actually and i talked to him and i met him that night and he i go what do you do for work he goes i'm a manager at a mcdonald's uh like an hour an hour outside of

los angeles i'm like you have such an interesting look and you sound so funny that if you get good at this you are going to be un-fucking-stoppable and i'm starting to see this fucking like when the car starts to turn over and it's like, you're like, oh, there's a fucking engine in here. I'm seeing it every Monday. And like I said earlier, there's nothing more fun than watching people that you know and you root for just fucking start ripping it. And he's doing it right now. It's so cool. Especially since he has such a defined style.

Like he literally, you know, they say it takes 10 years to find your voice. But he has his voice literally. As long as he keeps doing it and wiring... So no speech therapy? You don't think so? Oh, no way. I say you fix that, you're crazy. Look at that. This was literally, I think, his first

time at the comedy store. And he's bombing. Oh, we don't want to watch him bomb. There's no reason to watch that. But this was like his first time up. And I go, dude, you got to fucking get in the game, bro. And sure enough, he did. Well, he works at the store now.

Yeah, he's worked there for, and he's been the producer of Kill Tony. I mean, this guy fucking hustles, and he tries to do as many spots as possible. He's gotten, you know, like you I've watched him grow on and off stage because like he used to like start arguments with people and just talk shit and it's one of the guys you know like so many others where you get to watch him grow as a human you know some for some people just doing stand-up comedy all of a sudden you're in a social setting for the first time ever well it just it can be it can be a real bad scene, you know,

when you're struggling and you're young and you, you know, you have no future. Lived in his car for a while. Yeah. Paid dues. For a while, like over a year, he lived in his car. One time, Brian Moses, on the way to the ice house, he had to pee.

I was in the car for that, and it was the most unbelievable thing ever. So Josh is driving in the car for that and it was the most unbelievable thing ever so josh is driving in the car that he sleeps in his house we're going to the ice house for one of these friday night shows i'm sitting shotgun and our good pal brian moses host a roast battle is sitting in the back seat and we get off as soon as it's like we're almost there we're like five minutes away it's like a 25 minute drive right right all of a sudden moses is like oh fuck man i gotta pee bad like real bad oh fuck i'm peeing and me and josh are both like what what are you really he's like i can't stop it now i'm peeing

and then we're like he just pisses himself yeah i'm like out of nowhere what was he doing i hope moses doesn't mind me telling this story it's way too funny to not tell sorry you're cool you're cool you're cool you can handle this uh but and what but what's unbelievable about the story is who cares that he peed himself what are the odds that a guy peed himself that never pees himself ever what are the odds that he peed himself in the backseat of where this kid sleeps? Like, now he has to, no matter where he's staying, has to put his feet on that end of the backseat and his head on the other side.

And by the way, if he'd just given a few minutes of warning, we could have gotten off it. Who has to pee so quick? I just forgot how great this story really is. It was on the ice house, right? Because they came right to the ice house. And then Brian just says, I just had to go.

It just came out of nowhere. I just had to go. And you could tell, even as it was happening, he's like, yeah, this never happens. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Well, it happens when people poop themselves, right? That almost makes more sense like sometimes people get diarrhea and you're like oh god like i i remember just a couple weeks ago i barely made it to the toilet i had these insane pains in my lower stomach and i was

climbing i was going upstairs when i started to have them i'm like oh no like this is like a real battle so i was squeezing right i mean And I couldn't talk to anybody. I'm like, I can't talk, can't talk, excuse me. And I had to push past my kids and get to the toilet. And I shut the door. I'm like, Daddy's got to go. Hold on, I'll be right out. And they're asking me questions and shit.

And I sit down. I had to lock the door. Because they start working the knob. Like a five-year-old saying, give a fuck if you have to go to the bathroom. This doesn't register with them. I'm like, Daddy, I have to talk to you about some stuff. I'm like, hold on, hold on. And it just rushed out of me like a horde of barbarians just swinging broadswords and fucking pushing the enemy over the cliff.

It was insane how it was coming out. I can't even imagine. You must have, like, real man shits. Like, I could never eat. My little tiny deer droplets come out. But you're starting to eat meat now Tony eats meat now Tony has a different diet I've been eating meat for a few weeks and I am pumped about it I'm excited about it I had a whole chicken breast yesterday that's great you went from

being a vegan to being a carnivore yeah steak sandwich for dinner last night chicken breast for lunch what was it what pushed you over the top? Besides the mocking of everyone around you constantly. It was mostly that I wanted to have friends again. My dad, I didn't get to go back to Youngstown where I'm from for a few years. I've just been, you know, it's blah, blah, blah, blah. But anyway, I went into my dad's restaurant. town where i'm from for a few years i've just been you know it's blah blah blah but anyway i went into my dad's restaurant he owns a great italian restaurant where i'm from in youngstown

and uh give it a plug well no i actually shouldn't probably bad idea yeah i've talked about other stuff about him on another podcast anyway uh um what's his restaurant applebee's it's it's it's a it's an independent great italian restaurant but he looked at me so disappointed when he he goes all right what do you want me to make for you i'm going back i'm gonna make something and i get and i go uh whatever you want i just i i don't eat meat and i don't eat dairy and the look he gave me like it was like i could feel it was like Emperor Palpatine electricity, like out of nowhere, and you're just like, oh my God, 31 years this guy's been my dad,

and I've never gotten a look of. Like he stopped and looked at me confused and sort of like turned his head like a dog, like are you fucking kidding me? So was your dad like Sebastian? Totally, yeah. My dad's like a Complete perfect

Hybrid of Sebastian and Dice That's my dad Complete hybrid Of those two guys Are you Kidding me So then and there

You quit No He waited until he got back And then the day He got back Well nobody Out of all the years Out of everything

It's been, you know, it was like five or six years of vegetarianism, veganism, but I eat fish. So it's like pescatarian, but I don't eat dairy. So it's weird.

Anyway, nobody's busted my balls more about it than Brian Redband here. And our very good friend Pete, uh, because I hang out with them all the time. And so something happened, but, but,

but, but, and I just sort of like, after the few days of being back and being like, I wonder how good my dad's, I mean, the seafood pasta that he made for me was the most mind-bending seafood pasta

I've ever had in my life. But there was something about the look that he gave me in which it's like, do you have any idea what you're missing out on, you fucking idiot? I'll make you the seafood pasta. Your face looks fuller. Yeah.

His body looks fuller too Yeah, it looks like you've you've stopped this growth stunt Like you had maybe like a bend in a garden hose and just opened it up and nice time You seen his butt lately. Look at this little but he's got a new boy. You got a little but yeah You do seem are you really standing up to show your butt? Don't listen to him. I know, I was looking to see if I had a butt. Don't listen to him.

I wasn't showing you. I was looking to see if I had one. How could you check? How could you be sure? That's a terrible angle. Look at that. There's no way to be sure. I actually think he's right.

Yeah, no, you do. See that little poof? Are you lifting weights or something? Oh, yeah, every day. Squats? No, no squats. I just have a couple dumbbells i just work shoulders and press and curls you should go to a trainer yeah i should you know it'd be a funny

show you and brian losing weight and gaining weight oh yeah both of you together in and out and call it in and out what's creatine creatine yeah everyone says i should do that it'll help your it helps muscles recover and it helps them grow. And it helps them retain water. And some people, when you take too much of it, it gives you kind of like a puffy look because you retain like a little bit more water, apparently. I don't want to talk out of school, but it's definitely been shown to be beneficial for gaining muscle. Yeah. And it's also something that they measure if you are overtrained.

I think it's called creatinine. I think it's a little bit of a different thing. But it's something that shows the damage of your muscles. So if you're grossly overtrained, you might have really high levels of this stuff. And then I know of a guy, there's a guy I think was pulled out of a fight because of it. They tested him, and he tested really high for this creatinine stuff. I think I want to say Tim get Talfo. I don't,

it's harder for me to remember, but there's another organization outside the UFC a long time ago. I don't remember that. I don't remember that. But creatine works. It's legal too. Also, what's your like energy,

like five hour energy before doing a workout? Is that bad for you? No. I'm so paranoid because this thing tracks your heartbeat at all times. Well, the milligrams of caffeine, if you look at a five-hour energy drink, I think it's only a little bit over 200 milligrams of caffeine. It's vitamin B12, which is healthy for you. You get some stimulation from that.

It's a lot of vitamin B12. But vitamin B12 is water-soluble. It goes right out of your system and in and out. It's not like you'd have to let take like a giant amount of it for a long period of time to have any negative effects. So like using it as a stimulant or a potential energy source like that in a five hour drink is fine. It's not bad for you. The only thing with the five hour energy is you could have a niacin flush.

You ever have one of those? Oh yeah. Well I take, um, I take niacin. I take flash niacin, which makes my whole one of those? Oh, yeah. Well, I take niacin. I take flash niacin, which makes my whole skin tingle. It makes me fucking red. Bright red.

Yeah. Shit's really good for that. I've had it happen before. I went on this five-hour energy thing where I thought five-hour energies were just the greatest thing for a while. And maybe like my 10th or 15th one over like a couple months. And one of those hit me and it just like freaked me out. Oh, you got a niacin flash.

Yeah, Steve, that's nothing compared to taking the actual niacin. You take actual niacin, it's nuts, man. The feeling you get, the tingling on your skin. Like it freaks some people out. It freaked me out. What is it? I like it. It's a supplement.

I like it because I know it's not going to kill me, but you're feeling the reaction of this nutrient. It makes your skin tingle and flush. Yeah, they call it flash niacin. But it's an essential nutrient, really good for your body. A lot of people are low on it. Good for sex, I imagine. Oh, shit, yeah, son. Well, it's also, that's what, stuff like nitrous oxide, which a lot of people take, like different pump-up things. Crackers.

Those things. They have a similar effect to Viagra and Cialis. They have a similar effect in being like, somehow or another, it aids the blood flow or it stimulates the blood flow. Like a lot of those same drugs are banned in the Olympics. Like Viagra and Cialis is banned in the Olympics because it's actually a performance enhancing supplement. Not that they judge you when you're fucking, but that your muscles itself. The reason why your dick gets harder, everything gets bigger. You get harder.

Your body has more resources available for a brief amount of time at least they determined enough to make it illegal in the olympics pretty interesting stuff you know i wonder if there's any sports where having a boner actually helps you at the time like javelin or oh yeah wrestling freak the other guy out right just let him know. Yeah. To the death. It's up. Taking salads in Viagra sucks when you're working out, though, because you can't control it when you're on, like,

the treadmill and stuff, so you just have crazy boners and all these guys. You gotta tap homeboy down. Tack him down. Oh, I know. You gotta have some tight jammies.

You can't be running around. You can't be wearing those boxer shorts that you wear when you're fucking hog slapping against the inside of your thigh. There's a guy...

Think about those dirty girls that you know. Like your thigh. There's a guy, there's a guy about those dirty girls that you know. There's a guy at the gym that's that, that muscle. There's a guy at the gym that has that muscle, like that crazy,

like, bodybuilder. Yeah, like, but it's so ridiculous. Like, it looks like he pumps the gel in.

Oh, he might. To that point. He might. It's so uncomfortable when he's around. They do do that, man.

Yeah. You know about that stuff? There's this stuff called synth oil that some crazy people shoot into their bodies to make it look like they have giant muscles. But they don't really have giant muscles. They have these oil-swollen limbs that don't look real. So it looks like they have fake boobs on their arms, fake boobs on their shoulders, fake boobs on their boobs.

There's a weirdness to it where you can tell that the guy's not really strong. But he has these crazy, fake, giant arms that don't look real at all. Giant traps. Like there's this one. Like look at this guy. Get out of here. That's Synthol. That's what the guy looks like at my gym. It's

scary looking. He looks like... Look at that guy. If you cut that guy open, he would spill out like a bottle of olive oil. That's exactly what he looks like look at that guy yeah if you cut that guy open he would spill out like a bottle of olive oil that's exactly what he looks like yeah that's so creepy that these guys make their entire lives around like the size of their bodies did the top right one what is this guy this is insane even Popeye wasn't that ridiculous this is is insane. Oh, my God. Look at his arms, man. Look at his neck boob. Well, that's all that synthol because, like, look at his abs and look at his chest.

Like, it doesn't even make any sense. He has a built-in neck pillow. That must be, like, fun to fly with. What was that other one that you just showed? Is that the guy what he used to look like? Oh, Photoshop face. See, that guy, that's a real bodybuilder body. That guy, that's just steroids and lifting weights.

You can tell the difference when you see those synthol bodies. There's a real bodybuilder body. That guy, that's just steroids and lifting weights. Jesus. You can tell the difference when you see those synth oil bodies. There's a video of one. Find the video of the Brazilian dude. There's a Brazilian dude who's got a shirt off and he's dancing. And it's so weird, man. You're looking at his tits move and his shoulders move and his biceps move. And you're like, what the fuck is... Why?

They get crazy. But it's just like anorexia, man. You don't know what you look like. Yeah. Your mind gets warped. Oh yeah, body dysmorphia is 100% real. People's, their mind gets warped and they just decide I'm not skinny enough

and they just keep starving themselves so there's nothing left. That happens with people that get all kinds of crazy shit done to them. Did you see Amy? The documentary on Amy Winehouse? No. I didn't want to watch it, man. That's another one. Unbelievable.

Someone was sitting next to me. Maybe it was Ian. We were on the plane. Was it you? It was Jamie. We were watching it. I looked over a little bit of it and I'm like, I don't want to watch this kid having a great time, having all this talent, and then turn into a junkie and fall apart and an alcoholic.

It just makes me sad. Yeah. It's depressing, man. Well, the main thing is that she had dysmorphia, and she was totally bulimic the entire time, and it's probably basically what sort of killed her, is like her body was just on complete shutdown. When you get to that point, you know, her face started swelling up.

Like there's crazy things that happen deep into bulimia. God damn. So towards the end she had bulimia oh she had it the whole time and it was like a huge part of everything she was always she would always just throw up everything that she had but an amazing documentary oh my god really it's it starts with this there's like so much old video footage of her and it starts with her hanging out with her friends and they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends there's like five girls all her friends and they're singing happy birthday to one of their friends. There's like five girls all hanging out and they're just like little girls, like, I don't know, 10, 11 or 12.

And they're all singing happy birthday. And then she keeps going on this solo. And you're like, oh, my gosh, already like totally a star. She has that Amy Winehouse fucking voice that just kills. And no, I love it also. The documentary, because she was amazing she just had pipes and she has that cool like old bluesy fucking big band feel that just gets me pumped up i've been listening to a lot of it yeah i listen to her a lot i've always been a big fan

of hers but she has this there's like an authenticity to the sound of her voice right totally totally standalone almost there with like an an Ella Fitzgerald type or like. Have you ever heard of Ray Montague, Le Montague? Is that how you say his name? I can't remember what he's done. There's this fucking guy, Rose, at the comedy store. She, out of nowhere, she goes, we're leaving. Everybody's leaving.

And she pulls into the parking lot. And she's like, you got to hear this fucking song. She you got you gotta hear this guy i go who and she goes this guy i mean it's out of nowhere she's like this guy ray montague and he's got this song um no not trouble it's not trouble he's got this son jolene see if you could find jolene um so she um she plays this song yeah there it is Jolene that's like his his most famous one wait till you hear this motherfucker's voice

don't play it until you get everything in line because I don't want it to I don't want it to like half play and then play again because this guy

his voice is so good it deserves to be uninterrupted for the brief amount don't do a live version do the studio version is Do the studio version. Is this a studio version? Yeah.

Okay, cool. I cut this off of YouTube, I'm pretty sure. Okay. Hear this real quick. Oh, you fell over. Is that as loud as it gets? Just listen to it. It's amazing. I like it.

He's a bad motherfucker. Listen to this. Listen to this. What's this? that's a bad motherfucker that's undeniable bad motherfucker like it he's got like a touch of that rod stewart raspiness but not like all the way rod stewart it's just he's just him he's him you know whatever It's kind of raspy, but I wouldn't compare him to anybody else. He's not like a Rod Stewart. He's got his own vibe

going on, man. That's a crazy song, too. A song about a junkie that's just telling his love. I'm not going straight. Like, this is it. I'm fucking riding it out. Whoo!

That's a dark song with a fucking soul to it. Is that a guy that's still alive? Yeah. Yeah, he's still alive. I mean, it's just a song. He's not a junkie, for real.

No, I mean... I mean, he actually might be. He might be kind of fucked up, for real. And that's another thing about the Amy thing, is it's like... Yeah. And Kurt Cobain, too. It's like, what is that connection

where these freaky, freaky, both vocal-wise and they write their songs like it makes you wonder like why is there always like this crazy adverse effect on the other end or like heroin yeah yeah or yeah well heroin has some sort of connection to like this deep moody pain that a lot of blues singers and a lot of jazz musicians and a lot of a lot of rock and roll stars figured out a way to tap into and find some resource of creativity in that realm it's just so destructive to your body while you're there it's so devastating the fact that you're a junkie you're not taking care of your health and it's not even necessarily even primarily the

effects of heroin but the side effects of the lifestyle of being a junkie, that the lack of sleep and the terrible life and the terrible food and just the chaos, you know, that's, that's what cripples them all. It crushes them all. There's people that are like functional junkies that exist for a long time. They can live for a long time. It's weird, but it's not like even being an alcoholic it's not just the alcohol it's also the lifestyle that you live this unhealthy lack of sleep lack of recovery you know lack of nutrients it's not just the alcohol it's the fact that because of you're throwing all this alcohol down your shithole or your mouth hole you're it's it's coming it's it's affecting your whole body like those decisions to drink that much booze

that affects everything you do you're not going to drink that much booze and also eat an incredibly nutrient rich organic diet you're going to go to Air One and get fucking salad bar you're not going to do that you're a drunk it all goes bad and I think with a lot of these junkies

they just give in to the fucking sound they give in to the siren just give in to the fucking sound. They give in to the siren. They give in to the song of the beast. It just takes it into its veins. And then you sing a song like that. And there is, that's another thing with Amy, is you also see that she had this amazing voice her whole growing up, and she wanted to be a musician and she was doing good and she

was doing good and good and good good and then she then she started heroin and then it's like immediately you know even the documentary shows and it's like all right and she started doing heroin all of a sudden it goes from these tiny little jazz clubs to like amphitheaters to whole new songs you know rehab the album uh, back to black or back in black, which is just all hits like out of this world. Right. And it, you know,

made me wonder, it's like, wow, I just wish there was like a, uh, like some kind of, uh, what's the word?

Like fake system or, uh, prototype or something that you could try. That would be like, what would I write if I was on heroin? I don't think you get to peak. we should all try to open up the present we should all get together find like a professional i'm not doing any drugs with you how about that do some heroin ride the white snake whatever smoking pot with you is problematic 45 of the time why would why would anybody want to do heroin with you? That's ridiculous.

Do you understand? I always love that. You never come to any of those mushroom trips with us either. It makes me think you know something about yourself that you don't want us all to know. No, it's just when I'm on mushrooms and stuff, I like hanging out and not being a retard and not having a bunch of people around me. I like just one other person, either a girlfriend or like a best friend but i don't i don't need 20 people getting in my like 20 different things i could go wrong well not only

that at least one of them is gonna have a problem yeah every time you have a group of six or more people that are doing mushrooms one person freaksaks out. They always freak out. And that will become your problem if you don't watch out. I like being quiet, peaceful. Not just become your problem, but there's some people that when you're on trips with them, they want to dedicate the trip to their trip. They want to dedicate your trip to their trip. They want your trip to be about their trip.

Dude, I'm seeing this, and dude, this is happening. Dude, I'm feeling this. Like, hey, I'm over here doing my own thing, man. I don't want to constantly be involved in your reporting of your trip while i'm tripping right so like if you have too many people together you can't like you got to have you got to trip with someone who knows how to shut the fuck up right that's a big part and that's what's incredible is that that always blows my mind is that's how it ends up happening when we take our little like the holiday that ari shafir

started shroom fest so once a year we go out there in the middle of the beautiful desert you wait until the moon's at its brightest of the year the super moon and it's always incredible how quiet and beautiful it gets all these guys like six seven i guess it's normally like five six seven comedians that spend every other night talking just you see them we all end I guess it's normally like five, six, seven comedians that spend every other night talking. It just, you see them, we all end up scattering. It's not like we're sitting by a campfire or anything. And you see little starry outlines of like, Oh, that's Ryan Mervis over there just standing there. And you, it is, it's amazing how quiet that beautiful desert can be with these personalities. You almost feel like the power of it a little bit.

It's a potent psychedelic drug, man. And if you use the right intention, if you have the right ideas going into it, and if you can handle it, you can get some wild thoughts out of it. They're very beneficial. And people will dismiss people, like people that have done it,

they'll dismiss, well, I don't even like what he does. He's done mushrooms, and why would I do it? It's not disputable. The experience is not disputable. It's powerful. It's undeniably powerful.

I mean it might not be for you. I don't know you. It cures people of depression. It cures people of addiction. It cures people of cigarette addiction. It cures people of alcohol addiction. It cures people – it gives you a chance to look at yourself in a way that you probably would never be able to get to without it. And it'll give it to you for a short window. You get to see yourself. You get to see life.

You get to see intention. You get to see the past. You get to see the present. You get to see it all combined together in some strange light of this otherworldly intelligence, this weird, overwhelmingly powerful new thought process that's going on in your head. Where you're just overwhelmed and you're seeing things and the visualizations when you close your eyes are spectacular. And somehow or another it's illegal. Yeah. Insane. That's the best part about it. It's so stupid. It's the stupidest

thing to have illegal ever. Yeah. Like this is the one thing that makes people better. Like we, we know it like it's John Hopkins university did this whole thing. They did a thing on people that were dying. People that, uh, have had, um, uh, no, actually it was a personnel. That was a different one. They did one on people that are dying. They gave them a psilocybin and significantly alleviated their stress levels. And then they did another one on people. The John Hopkins one was they had these people do a psychedelic experiment, psychedelic experience. And then like over a decade later, they were still saying that the quality of their life significantly changed after that experience.

A lot of them were saying that. There of their life significantly changed after that experience. A lot of them were saying that. There's a lot of benefits to a lot of these different things that they made illegal in 1970. We just got to face up to the facts. We got fucked by the same people that had Nixon in power, Lyndon Johnson and those type of people. We shouldn't be held prisoner, these old ways of thinking. Totally.

But I think that law enforcement and a lot of people that control laws and have laws in place, they're very reluctant to give up a law or to admit that all the arrests that they made were unjust. Because it opens up this giant box of shit. Looking at all these people that are in jail for nonviolent drug crimes, and now those drugs are legal. What the fuck do you do with all those people in jail? Yeah, it's crazy. Well, in Seattle, they're letting people out. They're letting people, people that were in for pot and people that were selling pot, they're dropping their cases.

And, you know, it's one of those things to where, you know, what's crazy is like, I guess you haven't seen Making a Murderer, but it's like. I know the premise, though. And the premise is that, like, you know, he was in prison for all those years, so maybe he did do this. And if he did do this, he did it because he learned these bad ways in prison, which brings it back to the drug people. It's like they might go in being a pot dealer and come out being a rapist murderer because they jerked off for months to their bunkmate's fantasy that he told them, oh, yeah, I tied this bitch up and it was the most fun. And they're like, wow, that sounds interesting. And they get out and just start doing crazy stuff like that. Yeah.

There's a lot of those things, right? I mean, the recidivism rate of these prisons is insane. And I did all this research on it when jeff ross did his prison special uh for comedy central i learned all about this stuff jeff's jeff had a really powerful thing about that that he did like it was in an interview or what it was i tweeted it i forget what it was but he was uh talking about like what he learned about the prison system and how hopeless it is for the people that get stuck inside of it Yeah, and then you hear about things like that guy in Pennsylvania that judge That was sending these kids to juvenile detention sending these kids up the river for like nothing because he was getting paid for it

That guy's that he's in jail now, but he was selling children to prisoners to prisons to private prisons Essentially, that's what he was doing. It was there was a scam he was being paid off to continue to supply them with prisoners so he was taking these kids and just Ruining their lives like ruined countless people's lives took people for minor offenses that should have never done time they're just kids and just locked them up and Fucked them over and then kept them trapped and imagine how terrified you'd be you're're a 15-, 16-year-old kid, and you do some normal kid shit, and all of a sudden you get railroaded through this justice system, and this guy who's corrupt sends you to a detention to get you away from your parents,

and all of a sudden you're locked up in some fucking juvenile center somewhere with a bunch of real, legit criminals. Ugh. Fuck, man. Yeah. That's, like, insane. Yeah. It doesn't mean that all judges are bad, right?

Right. Right? It doesn't mean that all judges are bad right right right doesn't mean all judges would do that but fuck fuck gotta gotta come up with a better system for dealing with people because it's almost like when someone does something wrong we just write them off we just write them off and send them to this hole and lock them up in this cage where shit's just gonna get way worse and if you if you don't want shit to get way worse you have to follow by the rules or you get stuffed into a concrete and metal box forever craziness it's insane but what do you do what do you do with someone who is like a lifelong criminal and is broken mentally like how do you fix that person i think you put him in a storm trooper type of setup and just make him a soldier and ship him around the country and program him to

only be able to do certain things like robocop program yeah like hobo hobo cop like just have like these homeless fucking you got to there just because you had Hobo Cop in your head, didn't you? You said Robo Cop. Hobo Cop, you set me up. I wouldn't set myself up for a Hobo Cop thing. Oh my God. What movie was that where they reprogrammed people's minds? Universal Soldier, right?

Ah, that's it. Thank you. You knew the answer to that before you even started. And the other guy, not just Van Damme. Yes it thank you right you need the answer to that before he was honest and the other guy not just van damme the other guy yes thank you oh yeah universal soldier was the shit that was a good movie yeah it turned him into that's right that's exactly it was look that's totally possible that's probably possible before they even figure out how to do the robot thing yeah i probably figure out how to program people's minds oh yeah you know man it's just a matter of time i mean yeah it seems like jean-claude van damme wow we got lasers on it must be serious yeah that was so hilarious what's that oh yeah tiny lester in the background that's hilarious those movies were fun i roasted tiny lister at that same roast with uh that

screech was that well let me ask you this if someone came along okay like what if somebody was in a motorcycle accident and they were essentially brain dead and some doctors came along and said that they have the ability to turn this guy into a soldier robot and he could go fight for his country like you're you're you know your brother's dead tony but uh we can keep him alive and have him go defend his country i'm gonna send him over to afghanistan i mean hey might as well better there than buried, right? Do you think so? Isn't that what Deadpool is?

Deadpool? The comic? Is it? I think. I love it. Isn't he of, like, superpowers or some shit? They give him some sort of badass powers. Oh.

But he was going to die. He's given terminal. Oh. See, that's a comic book that I was never aware of. Me either, really. So when this one comes out, I'm completely out of my element I don't know anything about either that was a Marvel though right it was a Marvel comic this is a movie that almost didn't get made then they made a really cool like trailer someone made a fun trailer and the interest for it

picked up so they decided to make the movie what's the movie Deadpool they made this fake Valentine's Day to try to trick some people. Oh. True love never dies, Valentine's Day. That's so great. Rom-com style posters. And Ryan Reynolds is taking full advantage.

Yeah, man, it's going to be interesting. There's going to come a time where they can sort of reanimate a human body, put an artificial brain in it. It might be the first thing they do before they go to artificial intelligence. Take some dude, get his head blown off. It's like that dead dog. His heart's still hanging on. It's not thawed out yet.

Not thickened up. Yeah, they just keep it going. Just slap some robot head on there. Screw it down. Like RoboCop style. Like a pit crew. Isn't it funny? Pit, pit, pit.

Isn't it funny how like RoboCop, when you watch that movie back in the day, it was like, this is so never gonna happen right but today you like well I Bet they could probably do it there But we're probably pretty close to being able to come up with some artificial limbs that are more strong and more dynamic They just have to have some sort of a power source Yeah, there is a RoboCop Wow he. He had a dope outfit, too. The new Robocop, I wasn't really into the new outfit.

The new outfit just didn't... Is this the new one? Ugh. Did you watch the new one? No, I did not. I think that is the new one. I met that dude. Yeah? Yeah. See, why doesn't he have his hands covered? I'm gonna chop your hands off. Exactly. I don't know what you're gonna do. You gotta have your hands covered. How come your mouth isn't covered

either? I'll shoot you right in the mouth hole. We've identified the weak spots. Yeah, you don't want to have an exposed mouth hole. Go for the mouth on hands. Yeah, why would you ever have your exposed mouth hole? He doesn't have it. Yeah, he's got his whole face. Yeah, his whole face is like ready to be shot. Because I'm assuming there's a brain back there, right? You got skin. So there's you know, I'm gonna shoot right through your eyeballs. Right in your brain. So's, you know, I'm going to shoot right through your eyeballs, right in your brain. It's just stupid. You know? Like he's got like a regular human mouth.

Why would you have that when everything else is protected? Yeah. You can't project. You don't have some sort of a speaker on the outside. There's so many veins and important arteries that run around the neck. How's he going to eat with no teeth? He's going to get shot in the face with a cannon. Yeah.

There's a new one in Detroit too. Do you know? No. It seems like the best place to put it. Today it is. Yeah. Right. one in Detroit, too. Do you know? No, it seems like the best place to put it. No one today. It is. Yeah. Right.

No one seems to have seen this movie. It must have been a robo flop. He got you. He outpun you. I went to it. I went to it. He had it. He delivered it.

You were stunned. And now you're defensive. I know. It's not true. I actually went and saw the movie and I ate a lot of popcorn during it. I was a robo-slop. Oh, come on. Robo-stop. That's not... He double-got you! We're cleaning house

in here. Somebody grab us a robo-mop. Oh. It's like, you guys, your guys' expectations are too high, right? Once you hear robo, you know it's coming. This is a pun battle. Red Band just one-two'd you. He just one-two'd you.

He pun-two'd me. Why do you keep making that noise? That's what you do with puns. That's what I do with puns. That's what I do. How would you like me to react? I'll do whatever you like. I don't know.

I love that. That's the pun laugh from now on. Could you imagine if someone cracks a pun on stage and the whole crowd goes, Oh, that'd be awesome dude you're fucking manifested you better be careful what you wish for careful what you wish for

young Tony young Tony's gonna be with me Friday night in Atlanta yeah I'm gonna be with you when my special comes out and then Saturday night in Tampa you will already be a star by the time you get on stage it'll already have launched and people will know. And you'll be doing all new material.

Yeah. That's the beautiful thing. Yeah. You did this a few months back. How many months ago? March. March 2015. Okay.

So it's almost a year. Yeah. So, and in that time, you've got a whole new hour. I have a new, yeah, 30, 35, somewhere in there. It's's ever-changing you know sometimes i've been realizing lately i don't know yeah yeah it's it's wibbly wobbly so you about you bounce some of it out and push some but i started going all new as soon as i taped it a lot of guys i guess like start when uh when it comes out yeah yeah but like i i i was ready to move on anyway well you already you knew um also that you were going to try to get this on,

and you'd get ahead of the game. Right. Going out of the bat new. Yeah, I just did the fighter and the kid, and it actually came up that they're like, are you doing all new stuff now? And I talked about how working with you, you're one of the few guys in the whole game that also generates,

not also, you're one of the few comedians that does has like a new hour a year or you know and so like working with you even though you've never said to me personally like you need to write more material like it naturally i think rubs off that you know we're you gotta just keep going and plowing like if i'm if you if you can do it with an hour and a half or two hours after my half hour, then I should be doing it with my half hour. It helps a little when you do longer sets.

Longer sets on weekends helps. But any time you can get it in a half hour, if you can get it in a half an hour set. The real problem with LA is if you're gonna do a spot in LA, you're probably gonna get 15 minutes. And when you get those 15 minute spots, most likely you'll have room for one or two new ideas. And you'll have, you know, I always try to balance it out if I'm doing new stuff, unless

I did like, I did stand up on the spot last night, which is obviously all ad-libbed and that was really fun. But when you do new stuff, you got to kind of like, it's, it's hard to decide like when to start the new stuff. Do you open with the new stuff or do you open with something established, get the ball rolling and to start the new stuff. Do you open with the new stuff, or do you open with something established, get the ball rolling, and then introduce the new stuff? You don't have a lot of time to fuck around

in a 15-minute set. Yeah, and I also like to bounce in and out once in a while of crowd work and improvising stuff on stage. So that's also mixed into things. And that's also part of the reason why i shot this in one shot because i just went with my gut and i'm like if things go off the track that's normally when i shine is like you you see like sometimes when we do our shows at those big theaters like

i'll do a thing where i'll roast people a group of people if they come in late and i. And I warn the crowd in the beginning, like, if somebody comes in late, I'm going to light them up. Our little secret, okay? And the place just loves it. And I love that, you know, just improvising in the moment. I love that pressure. I love, like, that feeling of, like, you know, like being a quarterback and you feel like that linebacker coming, but you still have to get rid of the ball. You have to just stay calm and deliver. And I think part of the reason why I did it all in

one shot is because I knew that if something which it didn't at all and I didn't end up doing any crowd work and I sort of was half planning like I was on the towing the line right before I went on like you know is you know anything can happen I knew that I only had one show, which is rare in itself when shooting a special to only have one show and one audience and one camera. And I was ready to do crowd work, but I just sort of, you'll see in like the first 15 seconds, I just sort of like, you know, just saying hello. And then I go right into material. I saw you get into it. You get into it like a regular show. Right. Yeah. I ended up just on material and it sort of stayed on track.

There was a part where, I don't know, like 35, 40 minutes in or something, my throat goes completely dry, which never happens, but I was sort of choked up a little bit, and I take a sip of my water that's sitting there, and I go, most comedians take a sip of their drink when they're getting

a huge applause break. This is a special special. Then they just giggled because they all know that. Hey, I've got to take a leak. I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but I've been holding this in for a while for some strange reasons. So, Brian, talk to him real quick. I love that. Hi, Tony.

Wow. Normally, you bust my balls when I have to pee. Oh, yeah. That's what that is. It's the Brian story. What's his name? Oh. What? Yeah, it was cool doing the one shot

did you after it was done did you think like oh I wish I would have done that different or this different was there anything that you kind of wish now looking at it that you did different other if you had the chance of course I mean naturally you know after doing that I mean there's

always like you know after doing that i mean there's always like you know things that change or different like for example like i close with you know even in march i had a different version of the cosby thing that i do now but a totally different joke entirely you're like bill cosby's innocent I know it's true well sort of it was because now my Cosby joke now has everything

to do with how he admitted to giving girls quaaludes in order to rape them and the Cosby joke that's on one shot

just covers the fact that like basically it's all these little white girls that hooked up with a rich black man

for the first time and they just felt dizzy because his dick was so good. That's right. So I just ruined the ending. Is that a real curl? And if you show the camera.

No, stop it. Yeah, I have curly hair. With this one, it looks like it's a tightly curled curl. It happens sometimes. Did you have a bow? No, it's just my curly Italian hair sometimes. Remember when I had long hair? Yeah, that's right.

I used to have an afro. My apologies. All good. That was a close one. It was interfering with my ability to form a conversation. I was like, woo. Yeah. Maybe it's Brian Moses' story.

Eternally planted the seed. Maybe think, huh? So just let it go. Yeah. Yeah. That's not a good idea. Imagine if we come in here and it just smells like piss every day. Asparagus piss. Have you ever peed yourself? Oh, for go. Yeah. Yeah. That's not a good idea. Imagine if you come in here and it just smells like piss every day. Asparagus piss.

Have you ever peed yourself? Oh, for sure. Yeah. Who hasn't? I mean, and then had to wear your pants for like a long period of time. I pissed in a car once

in a, like a Mountain Dew bottle or something like that. Like whatever I had, like some sort of a soda bottle and got pissed all over my fucking pants. Oh yeah, it's really hard to do

because you don't realize that you need to have enough extra air like around it or else it just sprays back at you. I've done that. Gatorade bottle's good. Gatorade's good, yeah. It's very girthy. Gatorade's good. But like other ones

you have to also use two hands because you want to hold your dick over the hole and you want to hold the bottle and you can't do that while you're driving so you're trying to like get your dick in between your two fingers and then use your ring finger and your thumb to kind of hold the bottle while you're squeezing your dick through. And don't put your balls in either. Just keep those out when you're doing it.

There's no reason to put your balls in there. Well, Brian can actually fit his balls into a bottle of Mountain Dew. How does your balls get in a bottle of Mountain Dew? Unless you have a moonshine jug in your truck. Imagine if that's how you died. You hit a bump and the moonshine jar broke and cut a vital artery under your cock. Is he trying to piss in it? Mountain Dew is a dangerous bottle to pee in because it's green.

So you may have forgotten that you peed in it. It's true. That would be. If you're just one of those fucking weirdos that picks up bottles on the floor of your yeah your car and just starts drinking warm liquid, and you can fuck up Yeah, I used to know this guy who would take a Mountain Dew bottle Mountain Dew or ginger ale any one of those green? Plastic bottles he would fill it up with booze and he would drink it all day long He was like a serious serious alcohol that I worked with on this construction site when I was a kid It was a kid.

It was weird, man. He would just drink all day. It scared me. It scared me watching him because this guy who would just drink this stuff all day. And it was only going a day or two into the job that I realized that it was booze. Talking to people that it was, he would drink malt liquor and just all day, all day, just drink a fucking, and he lived in this house. The house had no electricity. Most of the windows were out. Like we were working on it it we were renovating this house and he lived in it while

we were renovating it wow yeah it was real weird and he was like a construction guy he worked he worked with the guy who owned the construction company that was renovating the house and i'm pretty sure it's hard it was foggy to remember because i was a teenager but i'm pretty sure the guy who was renovating the house also owned it was like fixing it up and so this guy was living in it at the time when it was like gutted out just raw wood and no insulation some windows are missing and just don't some of the floor was missing and this guy would just get wasted all day just drink and shake hands would shake and he's on his hammer and nails and and his hands are shaking carrying things out it's just he he was just deep in the web of addiction yeah did you ever see anybody like that when you were young because you grew up in a rough neighborhood right i uh

yeah i'm actually very close to somebody who's who my my oldest brother became slowly over time a big alcoholic, and he's been three months sober now, which is a miracle. Like, it's unbelievable. And because it seemed like he was never going to stop. And when he stopped drinking, he was shaking so uncontrollably that he couldn't even walk he would just fall down and he's a strong guy this is a guy who like I remember going to Venice Beach with him when I came and visited just to check this

place out when I was 18 to visit our other brother we me and my other me and my brother came out to visit our brother that lived here and they played basketball in Venice Beach and they were just bawling all over everybody like he's an amazing athlete and this and that. And while he was doing that, he was drinking? Yeah, but when he was doing that, he was drinking at night. Not like during the, I mean, yeah, they were drinking during the day, too. But it was so much booze that his body was just completely hooked on it.

Totally. Every day? Every single day and night because he was a professional bartender. And in Columbus, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio even has a big drinking culture, like huge drinking culture. Fuck yeah, it does. day and night because he was a professional bartender and in columbus columbus ohio even has a big drinking culture like huge drinking culture fuck yeah it does huge and um he was like at the helm of it he's like the head bartender at all the best places in columbus over the past you know 20 years or whatever and that even columbus has a culture for it but also i don't think a lot of people know that the restaurant industry has a real, real, real culture for it.

Everybody that works in fine dining restaurants goes out and gets shit-faced every year, like 80, 90% of the people. Because you're taking care of people all the time, you need to get fucked up. You need to go get treated. They walk in, shot beer, shot beer. That's a big thing with restaurant workers, right? Huge. Chefs, waitresses, bartenders. Huge culture of it.

And I'm sure Barnsworth has to get liquored up once in a while. You know what I mean? Barnsworth probably does estrogen. Just locks the door and just takes estrogen shots. Drinks it. But yeah, to watch my physically powerful brother. Well, not watch, but I heard about it because he's in Columbus and I'm here. That's dark. But luckily, he's

doing really good. Three months sober, which if you would have told me three months ago that he'd actually stop drinking, I would have said that's very hard to do. I wonder if mushrooms were legal and if they had real treatment centers, how many people would be cured of diseases like that? I want to say diseases.

Addictions like that. How many people would be cured of diseases like that? I want to say diseases, addictions like that. How many people would be cured of a lot of different things that they've been struggling with psychologically? If they could use Ibogaine here in America, which is super effective in Mexico and a lot of other countries where it's legal, where they use it for treatment for addictive diseases. It's supposed to be incredible for kicking people off of pills and opiates. It literally reprograms your addictive tendencies in your system somehow. That's how I feel with Molly. Molly?

Yeah, I think Molly really is. Well, they said that too about PTSD for soldiers, that Molly's giant for that. The government paid for tests on psilocybin at like Carnegie or Harvard or Cornell or some stuff. And they kept finding that it cured chronic depression on people that like they had given up and just said, it's for life. You're going to be depressed for life. And I can totally see why. It reprograms your brain. It's like a shower for your brain. Like when everything's just too cluttered and dirty, it's the only real analogy that

I think is effective for mushrooms. It's like a brain shower. I did this thing that I absolutely love that I found out about a couple years ago called neti pot. You know about that where you run warm water through your nasal passage? And it's the same thing. I think to myself every time I do it, I can't believe people don't know about this. Do you know the squeeze one? Yeah, that's what I have.

That's the real one. That's what I have. Boy, you blasted up there. Oh, my there oh my god i blow out these crazy snuff remember i used to use that when i had my nose operation when i had my nose chewed open i had a really bad scar tissue inside my nose and i had a deviated septum and a lot of the scar tissue was like it comes calcified because if you've been hitting the nose a few times if it bleeds inside your nose it's like cauliflower ear, but inside your nose. So they cut away all this different tissue and opened up this passage.

And then to clean it, I used to use a water pick. So I'd squirt the water pick up one nostril and it would be pouring out the other nostril. And I would blow out these fucking titanic boogers. They looked like they were from another planet. They were giant and covered in blood. And they were like the size of a thumb. They would come they were from another planet. They were giant, they were covered in blood, and they were like the size of a thumb. Like they would come out and I would treasure them. I'd be like, I want everybody to see

this. It was like your dick pic back in the day. I showed it to Tom Segura. I opened up the napkin for him to Tom Segura and he went like, he started retching. We're in the airport. I'll never forget it. I go, dude, I just fucking blew the most insane booger out of my nose.

I go, do you want to see it? He goes, okay. I open it up, and it's like rubber cement glue. So as you pull the pages aside, the booger was so big that it just didn't seem like it could come out of a human. It didn't make any sense. And he's, immediately. If you have to get that done, though, folks folks if you find a good doctor i know some people have had bad experiences uh with a doctor that didn't really know what

they're doing that was a life changer for me to get my nose cleaned up so i could breathe neti pot i mean you know you got to do it right you got to make sure you put the packet in and use distilled water and warm it up but i mean it's one of those things to where when I do it, I'm like, Ooh, tonight's going to be a good night. Yeah. But if you have a broken nose, that's still not going to work. If someone, then you need to get that operation. If you have a deviated septum, you can't, you really can't like do yoga correctly without

breathing in through your nose. It kept me from doing yoga a lot because they would always tell me you have to breathe out of your nose. I'm like, I don't have one. Doesn't, it doesn't doesn't exist i could smell a few things but it's just jacked in there so neti pots wouldn't have worked it just just wouldn't have worked but now that it's clean works awesome yeah so salt water too because you pour those little salt packets in the water and shake it up oh it's my favorite fucking thing do you ever find yourself though you bend over to tie

your shoes like an hour later And some water leaks out of your nose Where the fuck was that water hiding In the corner Do I have a hole in my head Maybe Like I bent over to tie my shoes And I was like what is this

It happened to me during that set Like just one little drop But that set last night when that lady's like No Trump's never going to, it came out of nowhere like, bloop, and I'm like, what is that? You gotta just grab someone like that and take them out of the room. You can't interrupt the show like that.

That's so stupid. Because that's one person, the Irvine improv's 500 people. So it's one person deciding that in 500 people that I'm sure a giant percentage of them are laughing, because I know the bit's hilarious. It was insane. That's why people were booing her before I that in 500 people that I'm sure a giant percentage of them are laughing. Cause I know the bits hilarious. Oh yeah. It was insane.

That's why like people were booing her before I even said, what's your problem lady? Like it was, you just can't have to deal with that. Just people don't get it because they look at you and they go, he's just talking. Right. They go,

Oh man, he's going to make people in this room vote for Trump. It's like, no lady, you're the only one that's not realizing that you're at a professional show right now. Well not only that, how weak is your candidate where a comedian could talk you out of it and go, you know he's right. Fuck these poor people. Bernie Sanders is an old loser. Donald Trump's right. Do you think Trump really wants to be

president? Because it seems like he's gonna be. I'm not bullshitting. And people are like, you're wrong, you're wrong. He is way out ahead on the Republican side. And more people are willing to vote Republican now than before Obama was in office. There's a lot of people that have strengthened their resolve against liberals and against the left and against the Democratic Party. If he just changes his tune on a few things, he could get them. I don't even know if he needs to change his tune.

He's saying stuff that I think a lot of people are thinking. That's one of my alien boogers. Oh my God. That's a booger? Yep. That was a booger. Yeah. Doesn't it look like a cockroach nest or something?

Yeah. So look at my hand. It looks like one of the planets from Star Wars That's look at my hand here to een yeah the thing you could get a good because that's a kind of a Inflated picture, but you could see how big that was what's like that bit is like a real booger that and that was a little Dry like it when it came out like maybe a minute or two before that it was a little larger When you had that crazy shit the other day and you're like pushing your kids out of your way and everything do you remember

what you ate or what caused another one there's another one oh my god that's the one that made tommy gag oh yeah that's the very one that made tommy gag oh god he was like i took a photo of it in the bathroom then i put it in a napkin and brought it out to him. That one really is. That's something else. What did you ask? What did you just ask? What made that crazy shit that you're talking about?

We're like MCT oil. Pretty sure I had too much MCT oil. If you put too much MCT oil in a kale shake or protein shake or something like that, occasionally there's like a tipping point. I don't know how many cups. I should probably figure out what's the beneficial dose instead of just adding capfuls. And I might have added an extra capful. And I might

have drank in much more than I usually drank. And whatever it was, the fucking click, the sear snapped, and the fucking opening was there. It's funny, Max. When you have five-year-olds, they don't want to hear nothing. Like, you can't say, the house is on fire, but daddy, I can't find my toy.

Like, whatever they're dealing with is so critically important. I'm like, I gotta get in. I'm gonna shit on you. I'm gonna shit on you, little bitch. Your face is where my ass is. You better get out of the way. I can't stop it. Like, I was, with all my bite, my might, I was tightening up.

Like, it was massive cramps. Every squat you've ever done in your life counts for this moment. All the ab work, the cramps. When I was like, oh, no, I don't know if I'm going to make it. There was that moment where I was like, I'm going to shit at least a little bit in my pants. Maybe if I just let a little prisoners out, let a few hostages out, then we can renegotiate once I get to the bathroom. But I managed to keep it together

just right to that point where I was like, wow. You just hear Mike Goldberg's voice, it's all over. MCT oil, though, will make you shit yourself. Well, you have to be careful. If you have too much of it, it just lubes up the old pipes and just releases the hounds but it's probably a good thing

because once it goes through like a blast out boy you feel great i've been taking healthier poops than ever lately with this new meat influx my body is just loving it they're so solid that every time now every time i take a poop you know, when you get the splash back. Sounds fine. I'm at 100%. I'm at 100% splash back now. Have you ever had your butthole open up enough just after it splashes that it gets a little teardrop inside the butthole before it shuts? And then a little bit comes out later when you tie your shoes.

Do you still eat vegetables, though? Are you still cognizant about it? Oh, yeah, totally still totally totally I definitely look different I'm not bullshitting your face looks filthy and I haven't even had breakfast or lunch today yeah you're already thicker like your face looks thicker I feel I feel better yeah vegans right now are so angry you just stay the course you just didn't follow the right you didn't have enough quinoa in your diet. What about avocados? What about olive oil? I missed it.

Ultra virgin. It's been a lot of fun to get back because I love food. I'm huge on food. Well, you guys went to Fogo de Chao, right? That's where you broke your cherry? Yeah. Which is, that's meat lover's paradise.

I've been to Fogo de Chao a couple times with you without eating meat. Well, the salad bar is excellent. Great salad bar. It's amazing. You could easily fill up on the salad bar with no fucking meat whatsoever. It's a great restaurant.

Yeah. Those Brazilians know how to eat, man. The churrascarias, they're amazing. If you don't know what it is, there's Fogo de Chão, Texas de Brazil. Those are the chains, but there's a bunch of independent churrascarias. In a Brazilian-style barbecue, what it is is you have a a chip and one side is green and the other side is red and when it's green they come over with these trays of meats like sausages and chicken wrapped in bacon and filet mignon and and um picanha which is like top sirloin which is like the best one that's the

best hide that one all the time well So many people want it. And there's a place we used to go to that was called Picanha. Where was that? Oh, it's in Pasadena. No, no, Burbank. Burbank, right? Isn't there a place in Burbank called Picanha? Where was that? I think it's in Burbank. I think there's a place in Burbank called Picanha.

But it's the same, isn't it? Yeah. Same style of food. It's fucking so good. Yeah, so they come over with these pitchforks with meat on them, these skewers with meat on them. That's the client. They slice it off. Yeah, that's the one on the right. Fresh.

Yeah, baby. They hide it. But if you like meat, you got to go at least once. It's so good, though, too. They figured out the right way to baste it in front of open fire. You know, they slowly cook it. So good. And it's unlike a regular steak where they come over and they slice pieces on the outside

and they put them on your plate, and then they go back to cooking it again. They baste it again with whatever they have. It's like a salt and some sort of an oil to it. I haven't had bread in 13 days. Look at you, healthy bitch. You looked a lot different too. You came to the comedy store the other night. We were all saying that bitch. You looked a lot different too. Well, you came to the

comedy store the other night. We were all saying that. Yeah, I could clearly see it. You were glowing the other day. I even went home

and mentioned to my girlfriend, I'm like, Brian looked good today. Did you say that while you were inside her? She goes, what do you mean?

I go, he's been working out for like 24 hours and he already looks better. She goes, that's impossible. I go, no, I just think Brian was so unhealthy that literally if he doesn't poison himself for like a few hours you start to

like turn into yeah uh tom hardy or something dude it's great you're doing so much good shit now you're taking care of yourself you're uh you're on this like kick that's lasted through the entire month of de, or January rather. You're doing your podcast now. So much good shit's happening. That's awesome. It's awesome, man. How does it feel?

How does it feel? JonBenet Ramsey. You feel lighter? What does that mean? I don't know. What does JonBenet Ramsey mean? What does that mean? Exactly.

Like good fucked. No. I'm just kidding. I don't know what that means. That doesn't make any sense. He's laughing to cover up his just kidding I don't know what that I don't know what's going on That doesn't make any sense He's laughing to cover up I don't know what's happening Psychosis He's like the Joker now

From Batman Yeah That Joker photo I made of Tony That's crazy Have you seen that photo You know that's like One of my dreams

Is I want to play Talk about it on stage Yeah Yeah Yeah I really want to be like the next joker i think i think nichols what nicholson did is amazing and i think what uh heath ledger did is great and uh i'd love to eventually get to the point to where down the road you know i could be like a young joker that's totally possible especially if they keep making

more batmans and i think like especially if i keep growing as a popular comedian i think it's like a young Joker. That's totally possible. Especially if they keep making more Batmans. And I think like especially if I keep growing as a popular comedian I think it's like a cool twist. Like you know Marvel hires actual comedian

to play a Joker. Yeah. Who better? Who better? Stand up comedian turned evil. Look at you. Insult comic.

You feel it? Turned evil. Yeah. Dude you're born for that role. Yeah. You'll die first before that happens. Jesus bro. I think we should all be. Come, dude. You're born for that role. Yeah. You're going to die first before that happens. Whoa, Jesus, bro.

I think we should all be. Come on, Brian. Brian, if you break your diet, you could be vain. Brian, you were doing so good in this podcast. What happened? Why go bad on us? No, no. Tony, you've always felt like you're going to die young and stuff, but you always talk

about like- You have notes on me over there? Yeah. What are you checking? What are you doing? I'm just checking your fucking Wikipedia. Oh, yeah. There it is.

Brian made that to promote the podcast. You look more like a zombie. Well, that's the Jared Leto Joker that he made. That's not the... Oh. Well, Jared Leto's Joker looked pretty fucking cool, too. Yeah, yeah. So he's the Joker in the Suicide Squad, right?

He's another one. He got ripped for that. Why? Because the Joker's a bad motherfucker. The Joker's the best bad guy of all time. Why did he get ripped for that why because the joker's a bad motherfucker the joker's the best bad guy of all time why did he get ripped for it uh you got to look that up um because uh because the joker's a bad motherfucker like normally leto's a bad motherfucker as an actor totally come on but there's a thing where like he shows himself working out in the in a superman shirt or

something anyway what's the problem with that people just look for shit to complain about thing where like he shows himself working out in a Superman shirt or something. Anyway. What's the problem with that? People just look for shit to complain about. No, it's a good thing. Whoa. It's amazing. Like he's like pumped. Whoa.

That totally could be you, Tony. Totally. Especially now with your new diet. And your fucking lifting. Your little tush. What kind of car is that? What is that? Is that a real car? What is it?

Pontiac. Jamie? See, they'll Is that a real car? Yeah. What is it? Pontiac. Seabrook. Jamie? See, they'll probably introduce some new car. They do that sometimes. Click on it. Let me see. Is that an Acura NSX?

No. That's a Jaguar, right? What is it? Does it say? So cool. I don't know what that is. Vader G35. What is it?

A Vader. A Vader? Huh. Yeah, it's a Vader. Is that real? Oh, okay. Some car I never heard of. Huh.

It's so neat. Tony Inchcliffe, you're starting to make some money now. You're balling. You want to get a new automobile, Tony Inchcliffe? I just texted you a Vader. You want to get a new vehicle? Um, maybe. Maybe.

I could see Tony in a Corvette. Oh, God, I'd love a new car. Want those new ones? Yeah. No backseat, sorry. Sorry, your friends can't come. I want one so bad, but I have to be smart for a little bit. Look at you.

Look at you! For a little bit. At least until Friday, January 13th. I want to spend everything. When your new Netflix special comes out. Yeah. Is that what it is? The 13th?

Is that what I said? The 15th. The 15th. Two days away. How did I get it wrong both times by three? I said 18th and 13th. One, 15, 2016. Oh, yeah, by two. I said? 15th. Two days away. How did I get it wrong both times by three? I said 18th and 13th. One, 15, 2016. Oh, yeah, by two.

I can't even count. And a lot of cool guest appearances in it, like Joey Diaz brings me on stage, and Brian Redban, I high-five because he goes in and goes up after me while check drop happens and stuff because it was a real show. Right. And.

Do you, did you feel more comfortable because it was at the Ice House place you performed countless times? Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. I envisioned it. Home. Two weeks out when I booked it with, by the way, super huge shout out for the Ice House, Sean Sullivan over there.

Two weeks out goes, two weeks before i shot this he goes hey you want to headline the ice house is saturday 7 30 i go yes and quick question would you mind if i taped it with one camera in an attempt to shoot a special and he goes absolutely that'd be awesome i go oh okay okay okay bye and like you know the rest is like history he was there that night in fact well fun fact fact about that is if you noticed when we saw the trailer, there was one guy that sort of like walked off. That's Sean, which I think is so cool. It's like a perfect little tiny, tiny, tiny cameo. You'd have to really pause it at the right moment to see him.

That's awesome. But he was so responsible for it happening. And wait, what was the question? Oh, yeah, being comfortable at the ice house. This is with the two weeks notice that I had, I literally, I'm not even kidding or exaggerating in my dreams at night was like envisioning it. And I'd like, you know, it would be a nightmare or a great dream depending on like, but I was like picturing it.

And during the day I was picturing it and where I wanted the steady cam to be because, you know, Ben Wolfensohn, my really good friend, amazing director, directed the beginning of Ari Shaffir's special and Trip Tank on Comedy Central. But this was my idea, shooting it all in one shot. It's a great idea. It's a great way also to capitalize on that small club. Right. Well, I knew I had to do something special to really stand out.

You know what I mean? Because I don't have TV fame or anything like that. That's so many, you know, networks and everything looks forward. Do you really think that anybody's going to view it based on the fact that you shot in one shot? I think Netflix. I think that's why they got it. I don't think they're like, you know, let's let's take this nobody out of nowhere. And, you know, stop. You're funny. Stop. That's bullshit. You would have got it anyway. If you

did that thing at the Irvine Improv, you would have still sold it to Netflix. You're very funny. You're very funny. You're doing great and you have heat behind you. You have heat behind you and you're connected to a network of other comedians that have heat behind them. That's another thing. I'm so honored to be up there with Segura

who came out two weeks ago and is amazing. And everything about it is amazing. Burr's whole fucking national persona changed. People really became aware of who Burr is. Burr was always peaking. He was always ramping up, becoming more and more famous every year. But once his Netflix special came out, and it was probably his best special to date, he just smashed it and then became

a guy who sold out madison square garden and that's that's that easily could happen to you it could happen to sagura too sagura's new special is even better than his other one he's fucking smashing it right now yeah he's killing it that it's it's the best platform for comedy it's an amazing time that we live in to where like that can happen a guy that's never done the tonight show or i've never done stand-up on TV at all. I'm starting first time ever in the public. Netflix Hour. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean think about Segura too, same thing. He doesn't have like TV credits. Right. He's selling out theaters. Over and over again. They keep adding shows to his comedy works this week. How about Sebastian? Two shows Thursday, two shows Friday,

three shows Saturday. They just added a midnight for him. Jesus. Denver Comedy Works. It's amazing. Selling out comedy works. Yep. Yep.

Look, he's a monster right now. It's amazing. Well, he's a legit, like, world-class national headliner right now. Yeah. And it's all from, you know, working and grinding and doing specials on the internet. It's amazing. Yeah. And from podcasting, you know, getting connected to people through podcasting huge his podcast too him and his wife your mom's house they have this tour that

they do on the road with it and it's it's a whole thing of its own like they have all these little like things that people look forward to like tom or black like they'll play tom or black they'll play like they have little games that they play when b Brian and I do the road, like when we, uh, when we go to ones that we drive to, like if it's a San Diego or a Phoenix or a San Fran or a Sacramento, which is like the majority of the places that we do go, uh, that's the only podcast that we listen to and we fucking crack up. It's hilarious. You just laugh and laugh and laugh.

It's the, it's the funniest podcast. It's the only podcast that I really listened to. The last one I did with Tom, the last podcast I did with Tom, was one of the best ones we ever did. It was fucking hilarious. The entire time we're just laughing and gagging and slapping the table for three hours. Just me and him cracking each other up. He's such a great guy.

He really is. He's just the best. He gave me a call yesterday and uh gave me some cool advice and just is a great great guy and he and because you know this netflix thing is also like a different path it's a it's uncharted territory and he's helping me out being like a cool big brother that's awesome to me as this whole thing happens and unfolds so yeah i couldn't be luckier we're so lucky that something like Netflix exists. Because if you do a special on anything else, like say if you do an HBO special, they air

it whenever they air it. They might air it once. They might air it twice. They might air it a few other times. They might air it randomly at 3 o'clock in the morning on some special night. But with Netflix, it's always there. You just press start. You just press play.

That's the secret. That's everything. It's always there. You just press start. You just press play. That's the secret. That's everything. And with their amazing algorithms,

that people that would like it are going to get a shot at it. Everybody has a different screen when they turn theirs on based on what they watched and if they liked it and if they rated it. And even if you don't rate things, it still knows you.

Their algorithm is like world, world, world class. It's really interesting So the more that people would like you is the closer you're gonna get to their front page So yeah, you know the I didn't know this the ratings on Netflix movies Like if it says like four stars or whatever, that's not actually the rating or the movie It's what they think you would say the rating is so like yeah So like there was one movie I watched the other day and i was like how is it half a star that movie sucks so bad but it's

really it has a half a star and i was like oh wait that's if you look at somebody else's it would be like three stars and really yeah i didn't know that that's bizarre yeah it's really bizarre that doesn't seem like that doesn't seem kosher right right yeah like a star system should be kind of like what people think maybe they wanted to get that to avoid like a disgruntled person like uh giving it like really bad reviews under a bunch of different fake names or the opposite like maybe a company that like is like we've there's been that before where someone put out an independent film and then someone hacked into the itunes comment section and it's all just overwhelmingly

positive like fake reviews of this terrible fucking movie and then someone in the comments will post these are paid reviews like this is not real this movie's fucking terrible i've seen that yeah me too so maybe that's what netflix is trying to avoid rotten tomatoes is pretty guilty of that in general i think it's like there's some hard yeah it's hard when you got a comment system people don't hack it you know people like they've hacked itunes ratings they figured out how to uh get the higher ratings and pretend they have more downloads or have like multiple different like there's services that'll like download your shit just to like juice up your ratings and add comments and like the algorithms that someone like iTunes has,

they're easier to manipulate because they're based on downloads, they're based on comments, and they're based on new people. So if you just have a bunch of new people sign up and then they leave a comment and they download it, it'll jump you up in the rankings. It's kind of interesting.

But I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times though, right? So that's probably how they're, but I guess you can only sign up for iTunes so many times, right? So that's probably how they avoid it, right? And it has your public name on there. So it's like even if you use your account, you don't want to be like, this sucks, and then have your real name on there. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Maybe iTunes is the right way. But it seems like the right way, I don't know, man.

I don't think there's anything. Netflix might have a point there, though. In your circle of people that you like, what did those people think it was star-wise? Versus in the circle of seven-year-old people that live in nursing homes, what did they think of Bob and Dave's new show? You know? Yeah. The fuck are we talking about? We're talking business

shut up algorithms yeah algorithms alright let's wrap this up let's bring it home ta-da Friday Tony Hinchcliffe

will be with me in Atlanta in Hotlanta at the Tabernacle the shit is sold out if you did not get tickets so sorry we'll be back

but that night Tony's one shot will appear magically on Netflix in your queue that's q u e download it enjoy let a motherfucker know one shot one shot five five give that bitch five stars and um then we'll be in tampa on saturday night and then we'll be at the ufc on sunday excited about that one yeah that's a big one that's a big world championship Dominic Cruz versus TJ Dillshaw

that shit should be off the hook and a good end of the weekend for us you know have a couple great shows

and then head on there Brian Redband who's your guest this week I'm still finalizing it but I'll let you I'll announce it soon

it's incognito ladies and gentlemen we keep it on the DL until we release but you do Fridays right I usually do every Friday I have two episodes

one with Sage Francis and Sovereign, and one with MC Crist and Christian Mingle. It's called What Brian Redband Do. It's on iTunes. Subscribe, rate, and review. Help me out. Boom. And January 22nd through the 24th, me and George Perez will be at the Brea Improv. Boom.

Okay, beautiful. That's Death Squad TV. You can get information for that. Kill Tony is every Monday, pretty much every Monday at the Comedy Store. We have our biggest one ever this Monday. What? The one that everybody's been asking for. What? The biggest one ever.

I'm not kidding. The biggest ever? I'm going to announce it because we're going to announce it on the Guy Who It Is podcast tomorrow. Oh my God. So you're going to know who that is tomorrow afternoon. And also, real quick, Caroline's. I'm headlining New York City for the first time ever. February 5th and 6th, a week after we do the Beacon Theater together.

Caroline's on Broadway, February 5th and 6th. Help me out, New York City, because I need to fill those seats. And Beacon Theater's, I think it's sold out. If it's not sold out, it's basically sold out, almost. So if you're thinking about getting some tickets, jump on that. I love this. That's end of the month. All right, you fuckers.

Thanks, everybody. Much love. Bye-bye. Big kiss. Mwah. Thank you.