The Joe Rogan Experience - #748 - Jenny Johnson

Episode Date: January 19, 2016

Jenny Johnson is a comedian and writer, known for her Twitter feed where she's gained over 400k followers. https://twitter.com/jennyjohnsonhi5

Oh, it was fucking brutal. But I was like, you know, I've done a bunch of podcasts, and Dom's sitting there, and he's like, what are you going to talk about? That's it? That's the whole podcast? I was like, dude, I don't know. What do you want to talk about? We talked about sports for about 50 minutes, comedy for five, and that was it.

Yeah, it sounds like Dom Herrera. And we're live with Jenny Johnson. High five. What's up? What up? How are you? First of all, that's a fantastic Twitter name. Thank you.

How'd you get that? Because Jenny Johnson was taken, and I had to get clever. And I was like, well, I like high fives, so we'll just go with that. That's an easy one to remember. I have had people that have told me, oh, is that you? Are you making fun of people with AIDS? Me? I don't think so.

No, like they've asked me that. I've been asked that a lot, and I was like, what do you mean? Well, H-I and the number five, you know, the Roman numerals V. So like I was going to be Jenny HIV. What the fuck? I was like, you know, I'd say and do a lot of stupid shit, but come on now. That's hilarious. So someone.

More than one. I've been asked this by several people like online or in person. No, no, no. I just like high fives like that was it now that you brought that up there's probably gonna be like some blog posts written about it and a conspiracy will get formed yeah that I like that that's what you're trying to do right that's the type of things that like like really wacky people that believe in the Illuminati

would start to sort of say yeah you know the the five is actually the V's right Jenny Johnson, HIV. She's a part. I'm like, my birthday's in May, too. Number five. Oh, my God. Okay, so I was just kind of doing it through that a little bit, too. Like, high five.

I'll do the number. You know, like, I actually had nothing to do with anything. The name Jenny Johnson was just taken. You sound a little defensive. I am. I'm starting to believe that maybe. I've got the full-blownsies. The full-blownsies?

Is HIV even a disease anymore? I mean, it is, but nobody dies of it. No, I feel like now it's like, you know, a whooping cough or something. Do you remember when we were kids? Oh, my God. Do you remember the moment when... There's a few moments where I remember, like, when Sam Kinison died, you know, like, things along those lines when you found out that someone was dying.

Yeah. But when I heard that Magic Johnson had HIV, I was in the car with my girlfriend. And we were in Boston. We were driving. We were both like, holy shit. It was like the beginning of, like, The Walking Dead when people started to get sick. Like, oh, no. Yeah.

Fuck, it's on. It is on. Magic Johnson, of all people, too. Magic Johnson's famous famous i'd say the one that killed me too was uh ece yeah he died of aids yeah and that was also like what yeah you know it just you didn't see that one coming like i i guess i i think i just assumed maybe it was all in new york it was gay guys you know like as a good as a kid you know that's i didn't know any better all in new york that's funny why new y, I didn't know any better. All in New York. That's funny.

Why New York? I don't know why. Because every scene, you know, like, everything you saw on the news, it was always coming from New York because they were too lazy to get out in the rest of the world. Right. So that's what you would see. I'm like, well, how does this happen? Yeah. It's a weird one.

That was a weird one. Like, Eazy-E was the weirdest one because like, what was he doing? Like, was he doing intravenous drugs? Was he having unprotected gay sex? I believe it was unprotected sex. No, it was just, I think there was a lot of. Just straight sex? Yeah, but it was with a lot of probably questionable girls that had used.

Right, but how does Tommy Lee not have AIDS then? How does like, there's a lot of people that should have AIDS. He's got like hepatitis or something. He does have that. But doesn't he have that from heroin allegedly? I don't know. I think they're all

doing it in the butt. Whoa. How dare you? I'm just kidding. I just want to start a rumor. Well didn't I mean isn't that the Charlie Sheen thing?

Charlie Sheen was blowing some guy they were smoking crack and there's a video isn't that allegedly? Yeah didn't I text you that video? Yeah you did

but I didn't know if it was real. I just like when Charlie Sheen goes on Matt Lauer. And it wasn't like Magic Johnson's spill where it was like, and I'm going to be an activist for this. He's like, it's over. I'm not paying these whores any more money. They're blackmailing me.

There was nothing that was good or productive with people. I'm not an activist, no. I'm just not paying these whores anymore. I've paid $10 million and I'm done. He really paid $10 million? He had been blackmailed by a bunch of different women who had gone to his house and I guess opened his medicine cabinet and saw his HIV medication. Yeah.

Took a picture with their cell phone and said, pay up or I'm sending this out to the press. If I was Charlie Sheen, I'd take that shit to get high. If you smoke crack and take HIV medication, you go to another dimension. So good. It's fucking amazing. It's like Molly times 10. I'd throw a little Ritalin in there to fucking soothe it off at the end.

Yeah, cut it with Ritalin. I mean, I've got to imagine that stuff has got to be somewhat psychoactive. I don't know. I would assume, yeah, if you drink and do drugs with it, too. Yeah. Like other street drugs with it. Yeah, because if you do certain drugs with other drugs, it enhances them, right? Candy flipping and all that jazz.

What is candy flipping? Candy flipping is when- Is that what the kids are doing? It's the wacky kids. Yeah, yeah. When they do the acid with molly, like they do MDMA and acid together. Wow. It's supposed to be amazing.

It's supposed to be- If you survive? If I didn't have kids, I'd fucking jump in there. Wow. It's supposed to be amazing. If you survive. If I didn't have kids, I'd fucking jump in there. I would give it a shot. I'd be like, this might be worth dying for. I can't leave behind anyone. How'd your dad die? He was serving his country.

He was candy flipping. Yeah, my dad was candy flipping with some 20-year-olds. Well, Charlie Sheen's kids actually get to say that. I guess, right? I'm sure they brag about it. Yeah, that's my old man. That poor fuck. He's a fascinating guy, though, because...

He is fascinating. He was on one of the worst sitcoms ever that was successful. Like, that fucking Two and a Half Men was so bad. I tried to watch one episode. I couldn't do it. I mean, I couldn't even make it through until the next break. It's not for you. No, it's not for me.

But it's for somebody, obviously. Obviously. It was giantly successful. And to even have him fired and to bring another lead on, and it still works? But it didn't. They canceled it. I know, but I thought it worked for a while. How long did they do it with Ashton Kutcher?

A couple years? Yeah. Really? It did work for— They didn't even notice. The people that are watching that, they're all on oxys. They're just fucking sitting in front of their TV, whacked out of their head. Just waiting for the laugh track to kick in so they can laugh too. Oh, yeah.

When's the commercial going to be on? They get excited for commercials. Is the commercial going on soon? And I'm sure the commercials were really appropriate for that show, too. Well, that guy who Charlie Sheen feuded with. Chuck Lorre? Yeah, he's awesome at making those kind of sitcoms. He's good at it.

He's done it a bunch. Successful as shit, too. That's impressive. Oh, my God. That guy, if I was on a sitcom with him, I would ask no questions. He knows exactly what the fuck he's doing. You'd read the script and go, this is this is on funniest thing I've ever read Roll I'm ready to go. Yeah, just tell me what the words are right before I say them

What I rehearsed this but it's perfect no, it's amazing he knows how to hit that frequency there's like a like a dog whistle Is it just is it people in oxy do you think do you think it's like kind of middle america just get home from work and it's it's um it's on cbs there's definitely that there's definitely the middle america thing not offensive yeah it's not offensive and it's a it's an easy watch you know like i've always said like how the fuck does anybody watch keeping up with the kardashians until i watched Up with the Kardashians? Until I watched it. And the fucking thing is so bad.

But it's compelling. But you sit there out loud and just shit talk like aloud while watching. I throw things. I punch my dog. No, don't do that. I feel like a lot of people hate watch it. Yeah, they definitely hate watch it. For sure.

I think there's plenty of people, sadly enough, that like it. There's a lot of people that like it. But I think a lot of people actually watch it just because they hate watch it. For sure. I think there's plenty of people, sadly enough, that like it. There's a lot of people that like it. But I think a lot of people actually watch it just because they hate it. Well, it's one of those things that they've become, there's so much focus on them that they've become a thing. So when the camera's on people, I have this theory about television and fame and just any form of media. And my theory is that it hijacks these ancient reward systems that are in place for us to follow successful people. So, like, say if we were in a tribe together, and all the three of us were in a tribe together,

and Jamie just fucking slayed all the intruders and figured out how to get the food and knew where all the water was. Christiana? We'd be like, we've got to follow Jamie. Jamie's a bad motherfucker. We've got to follow him. And so Jamie would talk in front of the campfire and we would listen. That's sort of like a natural thing.

You follow successful behavior. Well, when a camera's on someone, for whatever reason, we think that that person is successful. So they talk and we see all the money they have we see the cars they drive and all the nails and the purses and all the jazz and we go oh they have all the good stuff we have to follow them and it sort of hijacks this thing that's it we're i don't think we're designed for media i think that television and film and music and all that stuff it hijacks this part of of being a human being that is just unaccustomed to these sounds and these images.

Like you go to a movie and you see Brad Pitt or whatever. His head is fucking 15 feet tall. Every time he talks, the music plays. The words are perfect because they're all labored by a group of writers. Right. They've worked at it for weeks to get the right sequence of words and the right order and the right way to say it. And they practiced it.

Right. It's hijacks you. And then you run into him in person. You're like, oh, shit. You are dumb. Dude. You're dumb as shit. Holy hell.

There was an interview that he did once. I forget who the fuck it was Who he was doing An interview with But I was like Who's this fucking moron That whoever the guy is Like Larry King's interviewing Right

Like who the fuck is this It was on TV And then I turned Around the corner And I saw that it was Brad Pitt I was like Holy shit Brad Pitt

Dude Was it bad You're boring as fuck Yeah He's boring Is it bad? You're boring as fuck. Yeah. He's boring. Is it worse that they're boring, or is it worse when they have been famous for so long that they have the answers to everything?

I think he's probably so tired from fucking Angelina Jolie all the time that he just has no energy for thinking. And all those kids. Yeah, those kids running around screaming. And before her, it was Jennifer Aniston. Probably reading scripts with her all the time until 3 o'clock in the morning.

Just brushing each other's hair. But he doesn't have to be. It's almost like he's a lottery winner. He's got great features. He was a movie star from the time he was very young. Oh, yeah. No need to develop a personality. None whatsoever.

If you're pretty, it works for you. But then again, you know, here's my thing on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Who, out of all the really famous movie star type people, has ever done more good? Yeah, that is true. They do so much good. They're so charitable. They're always involved in all these charitable functions. They go to the shitty parts of the world.

Yeah, constantly. Like, I'm not going there. They adopt, like, 50 kids a week. They're constantly adopting kids. They have a gang of kids. They have a gang of kids. That's entirely true. How do they give all those kids that attention?

They don't. They have a tribe. They don't. I bet they each have a nanny. Their own nanny? I mean, they each have, like, a spotter, you know? Each kid has their own nanny and they each have like a spotter you know each kid has their own yeah whether the dude's

boring or not but I don't know man those fucking interviews are boring too you know it's hard to Larry King Jesus

I don't even know if it was Larry King I can't remember who the hell it was he was talking to but I remember I was in the other room and I was like

who's this boring dude that's getting interviewed and then I turned the corner and I was like that's Brad Pitt. Oh, Brad, you're boring. Why are you boring? You should be fucking psyched.

You should be like, I'm Brad Pitt. I think it's really funny when you go to like, if I have like people come into town, they always want to go to a taping of a show, you know? And so I'll use whatever connection I have. Okay, we'll go to this. I love watching the painful look on the interviewer's face during commercials. You know, like whoever's show it is. Like, who booked that fucking guy?

You know? Where they're just reaching and it's really hard. Like, you can tell. Then there's those guests that just get it. They're very likable and they're good at it and they're chatty and work the crowd and everything. Like, I saw, I think it was like Nick Cannon was on Ellen. I don't give two shits about nick cannon i don't but the guy did it right like he was good with that audience right you know he said the little funny jokes and he was real and then i saw some other guy go on and he's like well this is one of my first interviews i've given on Empire. I was like, I don't watch Empire.

This sad clap from the audience. He had prepped whatever it was he was going to say, but everything he wanted to say was so fucking lame that you just had to watch her face was just like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yeah, just struggling to be enthusiastic. Just struggling through the whole thing i was like god god well that's the worst part about those shows and the best part about doing a podcast like i only have people on that i want to have on so it's all up to me i decide like hey maybe jenny johnson high five be awesome to have on a podcast boom and then those people they have to get like people that are on radio shows or radio shows. They don't ever interview radio show people. I think I made that up.

Other than Howard Stern. Yeah. What radio guy ever gets interviewed? None. None. I was going to say Rush. But they have to interview people they don't really give a fuck about. It's like CNN or whoever it is that they work for sets it up.

Yeah. One of my favorite ones was when chelsea handler was on with uh fuckhead what's his name the english dude that doesn't work there anymore oh uh pierce yeah oh fucking tool he's so gross yeah but i don't know him maybe he's a nice guy maybe i should stop saying that he's gross on on his show i'm not a fan. All the shit he says, too. I'm like, hmm. Yeah. Go back to England. He came from a tabloid environment. Right.

Then he worked for the Sun or one of those rags over there. He worked for that company that got caught tapping into the voicemails of people that had died. Right. Right. And the family got upset because they thought that the person was still alive because they were checking their voicemail. Right.

But it was actually whatever tabloid was doing it. Yeah. Whatever shit. Whole person sold their soul to the devil and but chelsea handler did it and chelsea handler gives zero fuck she doesn't have any fucks left does not care she has no fucks does not care and she tortured him she tortured him right because she was like no wonder why your show's getting canceled like you're fucking terrible at this and she like she was calling him out like that in between takes like he didn't talk to to her. He would just start checking his phone, looking at Twitter. Oh, really?

Seeing what people thought about him. I have to look that up on the internet. I haven't seen that one. It's hilarious. She brutalized him. I kind of love that though. She's one of many. She's one of many.

He just goes into these debates unarmed. He went into this debate with Ben Shapiro, who's this right-wing guy, who's a very smart guy. If you're going to debate this guy, you've got to have your fucking facts in order. Sure. And he just didn't. He went into this gun debate with him, and he got just destroyed.

And he called him out on his outrage peddling, that he was immediately going to, like, you know, in the debate that he was going to immediately bring up Sandy Hook and bring up all these different people and the children that died, and that he was going to immediately use that as, like, this cry for outrage. Right. And he called him on it before he could ever do it. And you could see Piers Morgan was like, he had taken all his weapons away.

He had nothing. It was like the end of 8 Mile. It's brutal. Have you ever seen it? Have you ever seen him do it? Oh, who, Piers Morgan? Is this Piers Morgan and Ben Shapiro? I haven't seen that one.

It's pretty good. Want to watch it? Yeah, I'll totally watch it. Okay, let's watch it. Pull up. Piers Morgan gets destroyed by Ben Shapiro. I kind of love that, though. I like when people are just, I can't stand all that stupid.

Well, those shows, that whole type of show, it only exists because you have a network, right? So you have a network, which is this gigantic thing that has had programs on forever, and they have all these advertisers they do business with, and they have these commercials they're going to sell. So essentially, the show is only an advertiser for advertisers. That's what it is. All these interviews and all the different programs they have, all they're doing is trying to get you to lock in long enough so they could slip an ad in. Right.

So every 15 minutes, they'll slip ads in, and that's what they sell. Yeah. What they really sell is ads. Oh, yeah. Totally. So they don't give a fuck what you want. It's not personality driven. It's not about establishing something that's interesting and fascinating and, hey, we're

doing good work here. No, it's just about selling ads. I was a news producer for almost 12 years. Were you really? Yeah. Where? In Austin, San Antonio and Houston. Oh, wow. Powerful Texas news. Talk a lot about evolution or not? Well, I did sports producing first and then I just wanted to make more money, so I got

into news. But it was still, you have to know all that crap. You have to get your stories and... Here, watch this. Pierce Morgan gets owned By Ben Shapiro It's a great posture Two minute video

So I found like a five minute version So this is a little bit longer Okay Why is there sounds so shitty I think someone taped the TV Oh No it's okay You know honestly Pierce You've kind of been a bully On this issue Because what you do And I've seen it repeatedly On your show I watch your show No, it's okay. about the dead kids, they would agree with you on policy. I think we can have a rational, political conversation about balancing rights

and risks and rewards of all of these different policies, but I don't think that what we need to do is demonize people on the other side as being unfeeling about what happened in San Diego. How dare you accuse me of standing on the graves of children that died there? How dare you? I've seen you do it repeatedly, Pierce. Like I say, how

dare you? I mean, you can keep saying that, but you've done it repeatedly. What you do, and I i think you do it on the program is you keep saying to folks that if they disagree with you politically then somehow this is a violation of of what happened in sandy hook and you get i i really like to hear your policy prescriptions for what we should do about guns because you say that you respect the second amendment and you know i brought this here for you so you can read it it's constitution and i brought this here for you so that you can read it. It's the Constitution. And I would really like for you to explain to me what you would do about guns that would have prevented what happened in Sandy Hook. If you want to do what you did in the U.K., which is ban virtually all guns, that is at least a fair argument.

And we can have a discussion about whether that's something that we ought to do or not. I made it very clear what I want to do, which is exactly what Mark Kelly wants to do. In fact, rather than address your comments to me about standing on the graves of children in San Diego, you can address them to Mark Kelly because he agrees with everything that I've been saying because he feels the same way. What is that? Talk to someone else?

Mark Kelly was, I think it was Gabby Gifford's husband. Was it? Yeah, or is. Yeah. So he's just now picking a different shooting to jump on piggyback on. That's what he does. He's a cunt. Yeah, total.

Yeah, we got him. That's it. Everybody agrees. What was it like doing news work? I mean, it was fun. If it bleeds, it leads. Is that true? Like, what are the conversations?

Is it like that Nightcrawler show with that Nightcrawler movie? Is that what it is? Yeah, it's like, if somebody could burn a bag of babies, we'd have a lead tonight. No, it's not like that. Burn a bag of babies? No, it's just, you know, whatever's new. Whatever's, you know, when Houston, you know, sometimes it'd be an apartment fire, Southwest Houston.

Like, it's just whatever's happening. You know, it's local news. And so in Austin, I did more sports, which was more fun. And then when I made the transition to news, I was in San Antonio and then in Houston. And it's as a producer, you know, you write the newscast. You're writing what the anchors say. They're talking heads. Right.

And then you go in the booth. You. All right. Three, two. And, you know, it was fun for a while. And then I think it actually got under my skin a little bit. I was always doing like comedy and-up and everything on the side. And then when I realized I could do that full-time instead of news, I got out.

So even while you were doing the news, you were still doing, like, stand-up around town? Yeah. Was this during the Laugh Stop days in Houston? Like, what years were those? I did more in Austin. It was, like, 2000 to 2004, maybe. Okay, so Cap City. Did you do Cap City? I did more in Austin. It was like 2000 to 2004 maybe. Okay. So Cap City.

Did you do Cap City? I opened at Cap City one time. I did like the ones on 6th Street like Velveeta Room. Velveeta Room is great. I mean I was just learning. I was just starting out. Right. So, you know, it wasn't that great.

I wasn't going to be a headliner at Cap City at that point. What is it like working with newscasters? Because they are the most bizarre television personalities. It's like there's there's really nobody that is more arrogant than your local newscaster you know it's because it's that person that's been there forever and everyone around town knows them but the moment they cross out of town nobody knows who they are so they just they're very big big egos and sometimes they'll try to you know flex, oh, this isn't ready.

And I just sit down, old man, just to put this thing on. I would never take shit from them, but a lot of people would get their feelings hurt sometimes. Well, they're bizarre folks because they're in entertainment. They're essentially, what their entertainment is,

they have a voice that's soothing for the news. There's a way of delivering the news. It's like the way someone would sing a song. Yeah. Where like the melody sort of like interacts with your ears in a very pleasant way. And just to go from story to story, you know, and you just try to make it more interesting. So the director's like, let's do a two shot. All right, let's go to one.

My favorite is when they do banter in between. Oh, God. And then you get to find out how fucking stupid they really are. From weather to, from anchor to weather, from news to sports. And it's like, so it's just like we were saying about that game yesterday, huh, right there on that ball. Exactly. And it's so funny. We would just be in the soundproof booth like, Jesus Christ,

this is the worst thing ever. Well, that's certainly interesting. In local news. Hey, you're taking the kids to ballpark this weekend. I'm going to go ahead and let you know. We're looking right there. You're like, make it stop. Did you ever see that one where the girl,

she was talking about, she was trying to talk about music, and she used the term jigaboo. She was like, jigaboooo music have you ever seen it i don't think i've seen i thought i'd seen him well too she did she didn't know was she a reporter yes yes she was a reporter and she was talking about something she knows oh you know it's like that jigaboo music it's like jigaboo music and the person she was talking to was a black guy and he was like uh it was a black guy right wasn't it yeah well here baby girl baby girl no no no first of all you look deep in her eyes you see the back of her skull and look at the dude I just

want to take a moment to address a comment that I made yesterday oh this is her apology this is her apology I just take a moment you ever notice like your local her voice with all the jigaboo. Look at his face. Look at his face. And he's like, I mean, your family knows, right? Jigaboo.

Yeah, that's right. Gorgeous for he's like, she's got a beautiful voice. Yes. Yes. You fucking white. He's going you in trouble. Yeah.

I'm going to smile through this and keep my job. We'll just wait until that commercial break when I explain to you what you've just done to our viewers. Jig-a-boo. We would have, I think one of the funnier things, it shouldn't be funny, but it was funny, is so our reporters out doing live shots of whatever's going on, and they're in a live truck, so they have to feed the video. And we'll cut the video and say, what's the in-out cue of that voicemail or whatever. So if there was something that was like, there was a drive-by shooting.

Now, that's not funny. But witnesses to things like that. When the camera gets on them, there was like a lady holding her baby. They had Coke in the bottle. She's wearing a Boyz II Men t-shirt. And she was like, well, you know, this here Darius, and he's so cute. And we want him to do modeling. Wait a minute.

Did you say Coke? Like Coca-Cola? Coca-Cola. For the baby. Yeah, you know, like that kind of classy. Wait a minute. She gave the baby Coca-Cola? Yeah, the baby was drinking baby? Yeah, you know, like that kind of classy. Wait a minute, she gave the baby Coca-Cola? Yeah, the baby was drinking like a soft drink out of a bottle. Cut the fucking shit.

No, I'm not. This is like in, you know, projects. Do you know how much sugar is in a fucking Coke? Like, think about the size of a baby's body. Well, the baby just had bullets whizzing by its head, too, through the drive-by, so maybe it... Yeah, I mean, it was just... And then the mom just promoting The baby not talking about the people that were just gunned down What's he saying? Just like trying to get him a modeling job because she thought there is cute, you know

He should be on and we're going. Oh Yeah, no, that's not gonna make it cut Pull that out of the show or was a guy a lot of guys like to try out their rapping skills pull that out of the show. There was a guy, a lot of guys like to try out their rapping skills. While you interview him for like crimes? Like, did you see the drive-by?

Yes, I did. Oh, there was this, this store was broken into and the, you know, the clerk was shot. You know, here's this witness here. What's your name, sir? And then, because the camera got off, they say your name, spell it so that we can cut it.

We, I mean, these don't even make the air, but it would just be like, so, so, okay, now tell us what you saw. Well, one, two, three, I saw them. It just starts rapping. You're like, this is your big break? This is what you chose to, like, this is never going to make the air, dude. I guess they think maybe. Well, they don't know.

They don't know. Well, there's layers and layers in our society of people that are in the worst possible scenario and the best possible scenario. That's one of the worst scenarios we have available in the United States of America is the ghetto. Yeah. You would see it, and it was just so like, oh, my God, I cannot believe y'all shot this. And half the time I'm like, I know the camera was fucking with me. You know, like sending that in, like, I think you i think you're gonna like this you know the sound bite we just got did you get jaded at all seeing like really fucked up shit over and over and over again i did

and that started to bother me that it didn't like i could just see it write it put it in and i could remove myself from that situation but then there would just be those times that something really bad happened, and it was personal, or it was... We actually had our SkyEye helicopter, it crashed, and the two people were killed, our coworkers. And so that was something that was like, it was kind of the first, the beginning of the end for me, where I couldn't stop, I couldn't do what I used to do. Everything felt very personal.

Oh, wow. Yeah, so that was kind of a, that sucked. stop you know I couldn't do what I used to do like everything felt very personal oh wow yeah so that was kind of a that sucked but I was you know I'm glad I did it for as long as I did and you know I did well but do you talk about it on stage at all um sometimes but well I guess sometimes just depends on the context or whatever's going on but sometimes I'll talk about it it seems like it would be ripe or maybe write something about it. It seems like it would be ripe, or maybe write something about it, because it seems like it would be so ripe for material and just... Like that movie, it is Night Stalker,

right? Is that what it is? Nightcrawler? Oh, Nightcrawler. I haven't even seen that one yet, but I should. It's great. Yeah, I heard it was good. It's great. It's really creepy. Jake Glinwall. He looks real weird and shit. He's all scrawny and creepy looking. He's so good. He's such a good creeper. Like, it's perfect. Like, maybe it's too good. Well, he looks real weird and shit. He's all scrawny and creepy looking. He's so good. He's such a good creeper. Like, it's perfect.

Like, maybe it's too good. Well, I just think he's that guy. He can become, not that guy, but he can become people, you know? And he just did such a good job of capturing the sort of sociopathic personality of someone who would ambulance chase. Yeah. Well, I think that happens a lot i mean people that want to get the the story break the story first and you know to try to break a story first especially if it's something horrible you you do feel like when you're done it's like

like you know just trying to call people and trying to dig up shit and you're just yeah wasn't for me after a while i can imagine i. I have a friend who's a cop, and he's told me that they'll get to a scene and someone will have been shot, and people, you know, no one even bats an eye. Yeah. They'll start eating donuts, like literally eating donuts, like right next to the body. Right. Like no one cares. Because to them it's work. It's just a crime scene.

They'll start cracking jokes. Sure. Yeah. and jokes sure yeah and and that you know i don't want to say like i went there but i mean sometimes i you know like you we would see a video the full video before it's been edited then we would edit out the dead part you know the and it is weird when you're just doing that and thinking absolutely nothing of it just cut that is there any pressure to show like more like do they say like no because there's a lot there's like libel laws that you have to follow in news. Like, and you have to know those going into it, that what you can and can't say, what you can and can't show.

You know, you can't say, like, you were saying, like, allegedly or, you know. Right. You have, there's certain things like that you can't say it's a fact when it's just what, and it has to come from a legit news source. So the Associated Press or CNN. You know, like you have to be able to cite the source that you got the information from. You can't just say, my aunt called and said, you know, this just happened. And that's not a credible. One of my favorite ones is this news report on an arson.

These people, their house got lit on fire. And this girl is interviewed, and she's like, I don't want to name no names but uh it was my cousin because he's been trying to get with me and i think he's the one that the house off like what he's been trying to have sex with me have you seen that jamie yeah pull that one up see if you can because we broke up and he's mad about it. It's so hilarious. This lady is being interviewed. But they're not even batting an eye. It's just like, yeah, that's why.

She's like, I don't want to name no names. Here we go. Good morning, Dan and Amy. I am in Leavittsburg. And I'm just going to step out of the way now so you can take a look at the scene, what is happening right here behind me. You can see that firefighters are still working to put make sure that this fire is out smoke is still in the air and firefighters are still over here trying to make sure that everything gets under control garage here that

is on the fire is heather tell me you woke up around 3 45 and you saw this what what happened i woke up to beating on the doors my neighbors i opened up the door my neighbors were like get out get out you know so when i opened up the door i seen just blazing from the garage and i woke him up my husband look at the husband he got out as fast as he could i had him move the vehicles out of the way and i had him go back in the house to get our Hotty. Look at the guys facing the background. Oh, my gosh. Here we go. My second cousin. He should be on cops, not on the news.

Look at the guy. How is he not dying laughing? Well, he's not very good at his job either. He's kind of clunky. It's a tough gig. It is a tough gig. That guy's not, That's not a normal reaction to someone saying that. The normal reaction was like, what? Your cousin?

Hold up. I mean, he's got to stand there with his tie and act professional. Yeah, and not smile or laugh or go, what the fuck? First of all, where's that fucking town? Where is it? Deliveranceburg. Lievitsburg. But it's always those weirdo towns.

I have a friend, she works out here for the local Fox station. Lauren Savant is her name. I love it because she's made the soup TMZ for all her fuck-ups on air. Called John Bain or John Boner. Just like everything.

It looks like Boner. It does look like Boner. If I saw that in a teleprompter, I would have don't say did you hear what happened with him he got busted because he he's renting an apartment that is owned by the indoor tanning lobby stop it no that's a joke with his orange face did i retweet it did i retweet it today uh this girl jen brinney briney how do you say her name she tweeted it at me please tell me i retweeted today? This girl, Jen Briney, how do you say her name? She tweeted it at me. Please tell me I retweeted it because it's so ridiculous. It's not a new story, though. See, it's not a new story?

No, it's from 2013. What? Yeah. Really? Yeah, I'll show you that. Well, everybody's always wondered why this guy's tan all the time. He's always said, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I mean, he looks bright orange when you're watching those State of the Union.

Tanning bed lobbyist. Indoor tanning. Look at his face. He's fucking orange. Is long denied that his perpetual skin color is a result of sunless tanning. He just spends a lot of time outdoors, the Ohio Republican is known to say. But despite his repeated denials using tanning beds, Boner has ties to the industry. You just said Boner, too?

I'm saying it from now on. It's Boner. It's B-O-E-H-N-E-R. It's Boner. It's Boner. I agree. How do you get Boehner out of that? That's not Bane.

No, that's not Boehner. Boehner is B-A-N-E-R. That's Boner. That's Boner. Not only has he accepted campaign contributions from a group called the Indoor Tanning Association. Ha ha! Boner actually lives in a D.C. apartment owned by a lobbyist for the American Sun Tanning Association. First of all, how gross is politics?

This fucking guy can live in an apartment owned by a lobbyist for someone who contributes to him? But the Indoor Tanning Association, that's a real, the American Sun Tanning Association, that's a real group? Yeah. I did not know that that was, how can that even be a group? How is he only paying $1,600 a month for rent in D.C.? D.C.'s fucking expensive. That guy's crooked.

D.C.'s crooked, too. There's something else going on. Oh, he's so crooked. He's going to be in town everywhere. It's so crooked. All politicians. I hate all politicians. DC's crooked, too. There's something else going on. Oh, he's so crooked. That's the most crooked town everywhere. It's so crooked. All politicians. I hate all politicians. I'm a political atheist.

I don't believe in any of them. Good for you. Me, too. Well, they all end up lying. I mean, you're banking on somebody. Wait a minute. Bernie Sanders? You think he's lying?

Bernie. I think Bernie needs to run for, like, a homeowners association presidency or something. Like in Boca Raton or something like that. Or Bernie. A nice cul-de-sac group. Yeah, just, you know. What's the president of this cul-de-sac? Ping pong championships.

The 1% of the cul-de-sac. Bernie Sanders is an interesting guy, though. He's at least getting young people excited because they're hoping and praying that someone is different and no one is different but him he's the one guy that's coming along with saying trump's different in a way in a bad way but he is i actually will say i backed into a corner somebody was like we'll say something nice i'm like he's not lying i believe he believes every single thing that he's saying i don't think he has a team of campaign managers telling him what to say yeah i'm pretty sure that he definitely doesn't he just't think he has a team of campaign managers telling him what to say. I'm pretty sure that he just gets up there and just

starts spewing crazy, but he believes it. Yeah, he just lets it rip. He's worth a few billion. He's like, fuck it, let's roll the shit. Yeah, I mean, there's something that's kind of hilarious about that part, but other than that, they're all full of shit. There's a recent bill or a vote that's going to take place in the UK to try to ban him

from entering the UK for hate speech. This is like a serious consideration. And it's going on right now. He's, um, for the stuff that he said about Muslims. He just said, I mean, at some point you're like, I think that everybody

was kind of on board at first, like all the old crazies. Finally, somebody's saying what we're all thinking. You know, those kind of people. And then he just hasn't stopped talking. And I think now they're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, buddy. You crossed. Yeah, yeah.

Like, we got your back. But now you're kind of spewing some crazy. Like, I actually think that, like, all these old people that like him believe that Muslim is, you know, a terrorist organization group. Like, I don't think that they get that that's, that'slim is a you know a terrorist organization group like i don't think that they get that that's that's like they think al jazeera that's actually a tv channel it's not a like the taliban it sounds like it brown people sounds like jihad al jihad what's muhammad's jihad and whatever yeah well people are terrified of people from other cultures always but when you got other cultures that are involved and things like you know when isis but what people have

to understand is people isis is killing more muslims than there are anybody yeah most of the people that they're killing are muslims yeah like they no they're just bad they're just bad they're like they're they're criminals i mean it's i don't I don't know why this annoys me, but when I'm watching the news or reading the news, which I prefer to read it because it annoys me not to watch it. But people will say, well, you know, we're waiting to find out if this was a terrorist attack. Like the San Bernardino thing. Before they released those names. Once they released their names, therefore it became a terrorist attack. before they released those names, once they released their names, therefore it became a terrorist attack.

Don't you think that, like, the Sandy Hook guy, that was kind of— 100%. He was terrorizing people. Sure. But I like that they have to be brown in order to be a terrorist. Well, that's our new— Isn't that weird, though? Our new enemy is the war on terror. And terror has to be like—it's like the Germans.

We have to go after the Germans or the Japanese or the terrorists. It's the terrorists. It's country. But what does terror mean? It's country. It doesn't mean brown people do it badly. We're going to rename the country. You know, Japan, they call themselves Nippon.

I don't know if you know that. We call them Japs because I remember Pearl Harbor. There's all these people that believe they're in other countries, but as Americans, we get to dictate what their actual lines are, so we're just going to decide to call it all terror. So these are terrorists. They live in terror. That we're just going to decide to call it all terror. Yeah. So these are terrorists. They live in terror.

Yeah. That's a part of the world. It's called terror. You're not allowed to come over here. We'll put you in camps like we did the Japs. Yeah. That's some dark shit, man. It's so horrible.

I was talking to my mom. She lives in Houston, conservative, Republican, and all those fun things. So I love poking her with a stick. It's really funny. When she said, oh, there's terrorists in San Bernardino, and I was like, well, I mean, anybody that did that is a terrorist. It doesn't matter when we find out what their name is.

She goes, Jenny, the terrorists are like the really bad ones. I was like, I don't know. I think the Sandy Hook guy was pretty bad, I gotta say. I don't think he was awesome. Sandy Hook guy was pretty bad, I got to say. I don't think he was awesome. How about the fucking Colorado movie theater guy? That's a terrorist.

No. White guy with orange hair. He's not one of the real bad ones, though. You can pronounce his name. He's not bad. Yeah, if you can pronounce his name, just not as bad as the guys that, Sahib, Muhammad, yeah, that bad stuff, bad news. mom and dad, bad stuff, bad news.

Well, it bugs me when people won't criticize Islamic terrorists or Islamic people, though, because they're worried about being Islamophobic. Like, Islamophobic is a weird one. That's a weird one, though. Anything that's a phobic. Like, well, it's the, what's the word I'm looking for? Like, if you're on a watch list or whatever, you know, you're drawing a big fucking blank. What is it called? I mean, like prejudging somebody.

Prejudice? Yeah, there was another one. Prejudging? Prescreening? Yeah, whatever. You're making an assumption over a stereotype, you know, like whatever. And that's okay sometimes. I don't think it's a bad, like I heard this couple one time I was on a flight and this family and they're completely dressed Muslim, you know, like the face covered.

And I see these old people just like, you know, the Gilligan's Island old people, you know, just and they're like, like the howls. Yeah, they're hitting each other like, you know, this guy. I'm like, no, I don't care about those people. I'm like, no, I don't care about those people. I care about the guys that are going to come on board with slacks that they just bought at Mervin's or something. And a little button down that still got creases, like no luggage. You know, if that's who's going to freak me out on a plane is the ones that just are trying to fit in. Fuse coming out of their shoe.

Right. Not the ones that are like fully standing out with all of it. Like, no, sorry. I will prejudge yeah because i'm not gonna just go i don't want to offend anybody so let me get on this plane at these fucking creepy people but what i was getting at is that it's just weird that people will call you out on being islamophobic but the same people will openly mock christians sure like they'll they can openly mock Scientologists they can but but if you for whatever reason I guess well I guess the the legit angle

would be obviously because we're at war we were at war with two different countries and we're still in Afghanistan and a lot of troops still in Iraq and more now than before right we just sent some new ones over there. And those people that are involved in the conflict over there are Islamic or are brown. Right. So I guess it lends the idea that, like, well, you shouldn't be Islamophobic. You shouldn't be critical or prejudiced against Islamic people. But it's just an ideology. Yeah.

First of all, any religion is stupid. Well, yeah. They're all dumb. I was just watching Bill Burr's stand-up, and I was laughing so damn hard about him talking about Scientology. And he goes, yeah, it's funny. I mean, your God's name is Ron. You know, he had a driver's license and a Social Security card. He's like, but I found out about it when I was an adult. When you're a kid, you don't question it. Yeah. You know, you know, he had a driver's license and a social security card. He's like, but I found out

about it when I was an adult. When you're a kid, you don't question it. You know, you grew up Catholic, right? He's like, yeah, you, why would you? Sure. Yeah. Three days later it came out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Sure. Like you just believe it. And then as you get older to challenge it or to question it, you're an asshole, you know, like you just can't don't, don't challenge the Bible. Don't let's, you know, you can't do that. I think there's a higher power. I don't think it's that story, but maybe a version of it. Maybe not.

I don't know. Well, who knows what it is, but whatever it is, it's not what L. Ron Hubbard wrote. It's not the one guy who wrote the most books of anybody who ever wrote books ever. Scientology book. He wrote more fiction. He wrote more fiction than any person who's ever lived. Scientology book. He wrote more fiction. He wrote more fiction than any person

who's ever lived. He really did. He did. Out of any person that's ever lived on the planet, he wrote the most books. That's incredible that they think that that guy...

How many books did he write? Do you know? Fuckload, exactly. A fuckload. A fuckload, that's exact number? Yeah. That's a lot of books. That's a good question.

Jamie's going to pull that up. We're going to find out. But he does hold the distinction. I did not know that. Yes, he's the most prolific fiction author ever in the history of the human race. That's how stupid Scientology is. The guy who made up the most shit ever

also told the truth about the fucking frozen ice cubes filled with souls. They come out of volcanoes and shit. They drop them in volcanoes. That's why you get anxious. I'm just like, well, it's all so stupid to me across the board. I don't know. Well, it's made-up stuff.

It's people making things up. You live and you die, and no one knows what happens when you die. We'll all find out one day. Hopefully. Maybe. Maybe we won't. Maybe not. Maybe we'll become something that doesn't think.

Yeah. Here it is. Most published works by any author. Number one, L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah. 1,084. Ron Hubbard. Yeah. 1,084. 1,084 books. Jesus Christ.

Did he even fucking do a second draft on any of them? There's no way, right? His books are so bad, too. Have you ever read them? Did he self-publish them? I don't know. I don't think so. I think he published them.

I mean, he published a lot of them in those sci-fi magazines. That was like a big part of what he was doing originally. Like he would get books published in those, you know, they were like Reader's Digest. They would have these like sci-fi things. The last one was published in 2006. Didn't he die in like the 80s? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I don't think it was the 80s. I think it was like the 90s. When did he die? What is it? 86 was? Well, I'm sure they just found a bunch of shit that he had laying around The guy was probably nuts. Probably just sat down and just- Did you ever see like Interviews? Do you ever watch those documentaries? I'm fascinated by it. I love- Me too. Well, I'll watch any documentary

That's all I ever watch but those are particularly fascinating because he looks crazy. Oh, he's crazy as fuck Lawrence Lawrence Wright wrote a fantastic book called going clear and that's what they used to make that You read it yeah, yeah, it's amazing. You hear about how nutty he was Like he was beyond crazy. Yeah, but it's one of those like usually people that you know end up getting like a Leader of something that they're always they're smart, but crazy, you know, end up getting, like, a leader of something. They're always, they're smart but crazy. You know, it's like a psychotic brilliance that you can manage to get that many people on board. I mean, they all dress like sea captains and shit.

Like, what the fuck? That's the best thing. Yeah, I'm like, you have a lot of medals, dude. And you, like, I mean, highly decorated officer and what? Well, how about when Tom Cruise won that gold medal for being awesome? Holy shit. Did you ever see that? And he fucking salutes to LRH.

They saluted each other and they were so, like, tensed. And, you know, both of those guys are about 5'1", 5'2". Holy shit, that made me laugh. LRH. LRH. Yeah, they salute to L. Ron Hubbard. They call him LRH. ThatH Yeah they salute to L. Ron Hubbard They call him LRH There's a photo of him

They salute the photo Like it's fucking Like it's the flag Just think of like one of your friends It's like real silly and goofy Like one of your craziest friends And then imagine his face or her face up there And everyone just to

You know just to Andy Dick everybody And everyone just salutes and there's a room full of people that give all their money to... I mean, it could be that. It's not that much different. No, it's not. No, it's not.

I mean, his work... Look at the size of the fucking metal. I mean, that shit makes Flava Flav. Look, he saluted him. He looks over and salutes and everybody claps. First of all, look how beautiful that set is. And that David Miscavige.

Miscavige. Whatever that guy's. Jesus Christ. Wow, he is just. Genius. That metal that he's wearing is hilarious. Like up next, some crazy. Some crazy Scientology stuff.

That's the name of the YouTube video. It's fucking wonderful. They're wonderful. And there's a great one that you can watch on YouTube. It's like Scientology and Me. I think it was from the BBC, but it's really good. It's this guy just tracking them down and getting them. Oh, I've seen that one.

Yeah, it's a good one. It's all in Clearwater. In Clearwater, Florida. Yeah, he was in. Y'all went down there. But Summit was in London, like their a good one. It's all in Clearwater. In Clearwater, Florida. Yeah, he was in. Y'all went down there. But Summit was in London, like their headquarters in London. Oh, okay. Yeah, so it was pretty cool.

Maybe it's a different one I'm thinking of. Yeah. I did see that one, the Clearwater one. Yeah, well, that's where they all are. The Sea Orc people. My family used to live there. My mom and my dad, yeah, they lived in Clearwater. My sister still lives in Tampa.

They're still down there. Is that where you're from? No, no. They moved there to escape the Boston winters. Now they're just trapped in- Trapped. Trapped in a sea of stupid- There's a lot of nice people down there, but you know what?

I was just there in Tampa this past weekend. You know what it is? It's all people from the Northeast that escaped. That's all. My whole show was like new yorkers boston people jersey people retired people they just get out of there fuck this let's get a job down there fuck winter they just say fuck winter and they go to florida i would do the same thing i mean but i grew up in like south texas so like i mean it's 50 degrees out here and i'm like it's

freezing like i'm such a i couldn't deal with it well south tex Texas, I don't know. I love Houston. I love Houston, too. I mean, it's got spots. It does. Yeah. It's got character. If you're downtown, man, there's a lot to do. There's a life down there.

But then there's certain places that, yeah, no, it's not that fun. Well, I remember when I was in Boston, essentially there was four big comedy scenes that we had heard about. There was the Boston scene. There was the New York scene. There was the L.A. scene. There was kind New York scene. There was the L.A. scene. There was kind of a San Francisco scene, but a little bit. But there was a Houston scene. Yeah.

And the Houston scene was because of Kinison and Hicks. Yeah, Bill Hicks, like, that's where he... Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm such a fan of his. But, like, now they just have the improv. Like, I did a show with the improv over Christmas break. And it's awesome. It's fucking huge, too. It's a great venue, but it's kind of in a weird part of town.

Yeah. You mean black? No. It's like off. Or it's in a black part of town. It's not in a black part of town. Urban? They only seem to book a lot of black comedians.

Oh. But no, it's like just off of the interstate. It's just an exit. It's just a weird part of town. Oh. But no, it's like just off of the interstate. It's just an exit. You know, it's just a weird part of town. Like there's just nothing really around it. You're just kind of like hauling ass down I-10 and then you take an exit and there's the improv. It's so sad because that place, the Laugh Stop in River Oaks, that's where I did. Oh, that was the best. I did my first CD there. Oh, really? Yeah, 99. That place was the shit. It was the best club. It was set up perfect. Now it was like a restaurant

and I think they're trying to get it where they can at least open part of it up. It's still there? For comedy. Like that? Well, it's a different, you know, it's a restaurant now. A restaurant, bar restaurant. But is the stage still there and everything? No, it's not, but they're trying to, you know, like all the comedians are going, hey, give us

a fucking place. Yeah. Because you know, like all the comedians are going, hey, give us a fucking place. Yeah. Because there are a lot of good comedians in Houston, you know, and you want to be able to like do your job and then try to do this on the side. Like, that's what I always enjoyed about it. But, you know, I'd have to go to improv or try to, you know, get some stage time or sometimes I would open up for my friends that were musicians. I would just like do a set at their, you know. Oh, wow. So at least I could get stage time, you know.

That's tough, though. Oh, yeah. It's so non-ideal. But I think, you know, it helped that I already had a job, so I didn't care as much. Right. You know, like, if I was depending on that as my livelihood, maybe I would have been more nervous, but it was like,

eh, fine, I'm going back to work tomorrow. It's one of the more frustrating things for a young comedian. They're starting out is to grow up in a town that doesn't have a scene. I know if you're in Cleveland or something like that, I don't know if Cleveland has a scene, but it's, it's fucking hard. And these clubs like the improvs are amazing to work at if you're a professional. But yeah, like I've done, you know, a couple of shows at the improv here, but it's only because maybe somebody asked and had to pull strings because I'm not a name for a marquee. And for the Improv, you have to be. Yeah, you have to be. It's like trying to get on at the store or the Laugh Factory on a Saturday night.

They're not going to just go, hey. Yeah. Yeah, go do seven minutes. Well, they've sort of boxed themselves into this hole, though, because they have these rooms that are like 500 seats. So they can't have open mic nights because they can't keep the room open because all the staff and everything, it'll cost them too much money. And as soon as you don't have open mic nights, then you're not developing new talent. As soon as you're not developing new talent, then you have to get all your acts in from out of town. And it just kills the whole art form. You have to have a place to start. There's no one place where everybody starts. You can't say, oh, well, they have open mic nights in L.A.

Don't worry about it. Well, a lot of people don't fucking start out in L.A. No. I mean, when I came out here and I started doing just, I mean, I'm doing more writing, but I still like doing my, I like trying to do stand- up, you know, two, three nights a week or something. But it's hard to even get that sometimes. Like the Laugh Factory, they're good to me over there and they'll give me a, you know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you know, one of those nights. That's great. Flappers, Comedy in Burbank.

That's a great club. Yeah, I've done. Have you done the Ha Ha in North Hollywood? I have done that. That new one is fucking awesome. It is awesome. It is awesome. It's amazing. It's perfect.

So I, you know, it's like, but I have to find everything myself. I don't rely on like my agent to do that. Like it's just, you know, I just want to get it sometime. I still do that though. I just find everything myself too. I don't. Don't you find that? Because I like, I'm sitting there talking to him.

I'm like, well, you're not getting, like I get everything. Like you haven't got me shit. So I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Well, especially, like, little clubs in town. I mean, all my bookings, like, if I do theaters and stuff like that, my agents do all that stuff. But, like, if I do local spots around town, I have to find, like, Joey Diaz will call me up. Listen, dog, you got to do the fucking ha-ha. The new ha-ha in North Hollywood.

He'll be taking bong hits while he's talking to you. And you're like, all right. Like, we tell each other. all right. We tell each other. Comics will tell each other. There's this place on Sundays in Santa Monica that Neil Brennan has. It's supposed to be awesome. Yeah, I keep seeing that on his. He's promoting it.

West Side Comedy Theater, I think it's called. Yeah, I haven't been there yet. I hear nothing but great things. So that's what you hear. You hear about cool spots. Like I did the Laugh Factory in Long Beach. Mm-hmm. Done that.

I heard that's great, too. Improv in like Brea. Mm-hmm. That's a great spot. That's a great spot. That's a great spot. The new one's awesome. But everything is because of like just me, like either hounding people or just a friend,

you know, helping me out. Like, hey, do you want to open for, you know, me when I'm in Long Beach? Well, this is an amazing place. If you're in L.A., this is an amazing place to work because you really never have to leave. You can work and just drive. You can drive to Irvine. You drive to Ontario. You drive to Brea.

If you want to get crazy, you go to San Diego. There's so many places to work around here. Yeah, it's actually really pretty cool considering I moved here from Houston. There was just no scene. It just wasn't there. Yeah. It didn't exist, so. But it used to, I'm telling you.

It used to be the shit. It used to be one of the best places. When I first got there, I first got to Houston in, like, 96 or 97, somewhere around there. Maybe 98? Either way. When I first got there, I was like, holy shit. They had an open mic night that would start at like 8 and go till 2 o'clock in the morning. And the open mic night was in the bar area

where they had a small stage. And then they had the main stage where the main room was, which was fucking perfect. It was the perfect setup. And they had all these really creative young local comedians. And they didn't have any tolerance for hacks yeah i was like this is just like boston but like hot yeah like hot weather but nobody can put their finger on why it stopped because the club went under it's that easy to throw water in a fire

if they don't have anywhere to perform and if there's no one scene like somebody didn't try to take you know like i just felt like there would be somebody that would make more of an effort to try to get it right but who i don't know like I don't know I always thought that there would be somebody that would try to you know bring it back up again but well they tried but you need like real resources you need a club you need a liquor license you need a you know you need the whole thing I mean I know but idiots can open bars how many bar owners do you know I don't know any idiots that own bars do you know idiots that own bars? Yeah.

Really? A lot. Really? Yeah. Well talk to those idiots. Tell them to put a stage up. I don't know. It's fucking, it's not like anything else.

Like if you, if you want to, I guess being a musician is probably just as difficult. Like how does a musician, I mean I guess you can kind of make your own mixtape and shit alone. You don't need, you don't need an audience to practice. That's the difference between comedy and other art forms. You need an audience to practice. Yeah, like to know. Well, that's one thing that I always enjoyed about Twitter. You can kind of tell if something, a joke works or doesn't work on Twitter by people liking it.

Oh, yeah, definitely. You know, it's like, okay, that works, so let me try it verbally. Well, you have a big following on Twitter just from being funny. Yeah. I mean, Bert Kreischer and I were talking about you one day. Yeah, that was why I sent you that message. I was like, all my friends were like sending me the link to it and it's like, sweet, thanks.

Well, that's the cool thing about Twitter. There's a girl, she calls herself Slash Lean. God, I love her. She's hilarious. She's up in Toronto. Yeah. But it's the same thing. She developed this giant following just from being funny.

Yeah. And I think that people like her and myself, like Rob Delaney was one. Sure. We all kind of jumped in at this exact same time. And I don't think that's possible now for somebody. See, everybody says that. I think there's too many people. People always say that.

But it's like, I don't want to start a podcast now. Everybody's got a podcast. But how about those Guys We Fucked girls? Those girls that have that podcast called Guys We Fucked? I've never heard of it. You've never heard of it? It's like top ten always. And it's only been around for like a year.

They just have a really good podcast. They developed this big ass following and then shot up through the rankings like quick. I don't think the podcast, I think that, yeah, a a lot of people have them but i still would encourage people to try but with twitter the only thing is you know it's just it was so new and different and everyone's like who is that you know it it was so new and exciting and now there's all this other crap there's too many things periscope snapchat all the other all these other social media things. And at the time, it just was just Facebook and Twitter, and that was it. Twitter doesn't grow like it used to. It's like the amount of people that you get.

Some people used to get massive amounts of new followers really quickly, but it's hard to do that now. I think also if you look at someone and you look to see, how many people do you follow? I follow a lot of people. And I seriously doubt you read every single one. I read a lot of shit. I'm retarded. I got something wrong with me. I

scan Twitter constantly for interesting stories. And if someone posts, I'll look through their feed, if they post two, three, four interesting stories in a row, boom, I follow them. I'm like, you never know. But how do you find them? Just through somebody retweeting them or something? Most of it is because they tweet things to me.

That's a lot of it. Oh, okay. So someone will tweet something really cool to me, and I retweet it. What I've started doing, I started doing a long time ago, is when people send me cool stuff, I retweet it. Because it gives people an incentive to send you more cool stuff. And they go, hey, retweeted me. It's fun. It's cool. And like when I find their page, like if someone retweets something or if I retweet something someone sent me and I find their page and they have a bunch of cool shit on there, I'll start following them.

And I think that just that way you ensure that you have like sort of a network of people that are distributing interesting information and sending it your way but is it like is it links to things sometimes it's links to things or sometimes is it just a funny reply to you oh yeah sometimes it's a funny reply sometimes it's just a funny post now how many unfunny replies do you get from people trying to make you laugh yeah you get those all right that's it's gonna happen it's just cluttered and it's just oh god sometimes it's so well yours is so humor based you know your your but it's a person like almost insulting me and i'm like what the fuck and they'll go oh it's getting you know like it was a joke you know i thought you could take a joke i'm like no no no i can't well you got to think there's a lot of

people that are just trying anything to get a reaction from you. They're standing out there just typing into the abyss hoping to get a signal back. Yeah. Hello. Hello. I mean, but it's such an interesting concept that people like, like I did a panel at South by Southwest last year, two years ago, something like that. About Twitter? Yeah. And it was just about like getting a career out of it.

You know, like how else would anybody have noticed me outside of Houston? Yeah, and it was just about, like, getting a career out of it, you know? Like, how else would anybody have noticed me outside of Houston? Yeah. Well, that's how I noticed you. I don't remember when I started noticing you, but I've been following you for—how long have you been on Twitter? Since, like, 2009, I think. I think I've been following you for at least two years. At least two years.

And I don't know how long totally, but I remember someone tweeted one of your things, like to me, I think. Someone tweeted something funny that you said and I think I retweeted it and then I started following you. That's how I do it. But it's really, yeah, it's kind of like, it's word of mouth or word of, you know, word, but. But you could still do that.

But I do think that's fast. That's what I love about Twitter. I think it's really fascinating that how else would anybody have ever heard of me if it wasn't for that particular form of social media? I just think there's too much now. There's too many people. There's too many extra things that I don't think people are going to get noticed the way that I lucked out and got noticed. Well, there was that effect like the early days of MySpace.

Do you remember the MySpace effect? Like Tila Tequila and Dane Cook and all these people got super famous really quick because once, first of all you followed Tom because everybody had to follow Tom from MySpace. What the fuck is Tom up to these days? Just in Belize right now with gold underwear on and fucking stacks of champagne bottles next to him

and a big fucking tub of Vi joe francis by his bed yeah just balling i mean how much money did he make from that stupid i had to have made a ton like the facebook guy yeah i mean yeah well that guy's made insane amounts wow that's it's impressive that's bizarre that's bizarre money he looks bewildered all the time too like whenever you just woke up from a nap to me he always looks like he's like worried Wow, it's impressive. That's bizarre. That's bizarre money. He looks bewildered all the time, too. He always looks like he just woke up from a nap. To me, he always looks like he's worried that someone's going to kidnap him constantly. Yeah.

You got that kind of money? Don't you know that he's probably had those threats, though? Threats? Oh, for sure. Yeah, I'm sure like that. He's worth billions of dollars. Billions. And now he's got a new baby, I believe.

His wife just had a baby. Jesus Christ. But he takes pictures of everything. His wife, his baby. Look at me. Look at them. Maybe he's like a new baby, I believe. His wife just had a baby. Jesus Christ. But he takes pictures of everything. His wife, his baby. Look at me. Look at them. Maybe he's just putting it out there. He's getting the jump like, what's his face?

Ben Shapiro was. I'll put it out there first before. Well, maybe he's just surrounded by fucking Spec Ops guys. Just locked and loaded, ready to party. It's a strange thing. Facebook was cool at first. And then all of a sudden, when I started getting friend requests from my mom's like, then all of a sudden it was like, mwah, mwah. Find something else.

Well, too many people get real weird online and just start just digging into your stuff and stalking you and looking at, where's Jenny going? Where's Jenny? She eats here every Tuesday. Hmm, seems like if I go there on Tuesday, maybe I'll find Jenny. Hey, I really enjoy your tweets. You think it gets on my underwear? Yeah, it's like, I don't know, the people that think they know you based on, I think Instagram was more that way. Like, I have Twitter and Instagram, and that's it.

I don't have the other things. But I would have, like. I'm going to take an Instagram picture of you right now. And people will know that this happened while we're actually doing the podcast talking about Instagram. So look at me. Look at me. Bam. I'll put that up if people go, hey.

But I've had people like I went to like I took a trip, a road trip with friends of Big Sur. And I love Big Sur. I love Big Sur. Holy shit. Isn't it awesome up there? So one of my friends took a picture of me. You know, you get no cell reception. Right.

And so we're, like, on the side of the road. I'm holding my phone. I was, like, eating an apple, and she took a picture, but it was so beautiful behind me, and I put that on Instagram. I'm like, oh, I'm in Big Sur. And then I had these people that are like, you have to stay at Ventana.

That's where you have to stay, and you need to go eat. And I'm like, do you think I drove from L.A. to Big Sur without a plan of where I'm going to stay and you need to go eat and i'm like do you think i drove from la to big sir without a plan like of where i'm gonna stay and what i'm gonna do like they're telling me what i need to do well they're just trying to help no it's in a different way it's like yeah you need to do this yeah i don't know if it's like a deep-seated like as a kid being told that or something that it's just so obnoxious to me yeah it's like i know i have a plan don't worry i'm good i'm good you're a bit of a rebel i see what's going on i think it was just so obnoxious to me. Yeah, it's like, I know, I have a plan. Don't worry, I'm good. I'm good. You're a bit of a rebel.

I see what's going on there. No, I think it was just, I'm probably an asshole. A bit of an asshole is probably more accurate. I always assume, see, we have very different reactions to the same thing. I always assume that it's people that are in town that are trying to help me out and steer me towards the good spots. No, you look and it's like they live in Vermont or something. They're just like, they've been there once and telling me what to do. But don't you think they're just trying to steer you in the right direction?

You're like, fuck you. Don't tell me what to do. Yeah, no, I think they're horrible people. I think they're terrorists. They're terrorist sympathizers at the very least. They're terrorist sympathizers, yeah. They're all about ISIS. See, I always think they're just trying to help out. I think it's cool. I enjoy it when people do that. I even ask for suggestions.

I'll ask for, that's different. No, I'll ask for suggestions. It's just, hey, I'm a big sir. And then it's like. I enjoy it when people do that. I even ask for suggestions. I'll ask for, that's different. No, I'll ask for suggestions. It's just, hey, I'm a big sir. And then it's like, you need to go eat here. You need to stay here. You know, you have to do this. And I'm like, if you made it, worded it in a way that was like, I don't know where you're staying, but I could tell you, like, I stayed here one time and it was fantastic. It was more of like the telling me what to do thing.

But don't you think that people say that when something's awesome? Like, dude, you need to check this out. I find sometimes people do it to let me know they've been places. Oh, okay. Does that ever happen? You know what I mean? Okay, yeah.

It's like kind of a, yeah, I've been there too. Humble brag almost? Yeah, it's like a humble brag. It is like that. Or, oh, that jacket. Yeah, and then tell me the name of the jacket, like the brand or whatever. Like, I have that jacket too that and then tell me the name of the jacket like the brand or whatever like I have that jacket too

do you react is it like men telling you to go somewhere and do things do you need to blow your nose yeah I do need to blow my nose

my allergies my claritin is not kicked in yet what do you have allergies to it's usually when it rains whatever it kicks up it's like pollen ragweed

like all that kind of shit oil I'm from Houston though yeah that's plenty of oil but it's like pollen ragweed like all that kind of shit oil i'm from houston though yeah that's plenty of oil um but it's not it's not that no it's not men it's actually it's typically women that do it really yeah oh cunts no yeah total men don't really actually bother me that much i mean that you know if somebody like will write something sexual or whatever i'm like ah thanks, thanks. High five.

I don't get offended by it. I just think, like, gives a shit. Thanks. Thanks. High five. High fives to you. It is funny when you click on that. You can click on their page, and you'll see it's like the pictures, you know, the guy and his wife and three little kids.

And he's like, I want to smell your vagina. You're like, I'm so glad you're married and a father i just imagine my dad doing that growing up he would have if he had instagram oh god he wouldn't have no no not yours not my dad he would have probably he would have been more of the you know like when you're a kid you like you walk in your dad's watching tv and it's like there's just tits on the screen oh how, wait, how did those get on there? I don't know. What is that? Skinamax or whatever that he's flipping through.

And then I walk in and surprise him. Oh, no, I'm just flipping, just trying to figure out this goddamn remote. No, I'm not doing that. But that's it. He grew up in a different era if he grew up today. Yeah. Your era definitely forms you in a way. But see, my parents were like, my dad and I were like, I in a way but see my parents were like my dad and i

were like i'm 40 years younger than my parents or my dad's no longer with us but my yeah they were just older people that had kids later in life wow well they're still banging it out late in life that's good yeah they were like married for i think like 15 years before they had my sister wow yeah but the downside would be like my sister and i'd go, hey, we want to go to like, California, go to Disneyland, Disney, you know. Ah, now we've been there

a million times. It sucks. You know, like, you just say, aw. Yeah, that makes me sad. Aw. As a dad. I love doing shit with my kids.

Oh, we always did shit, but we grew up on the water, so we had like, Oh, okay. Yeah, we always went to the beach, boat, sailboat. We had all the fun stuff. It's not like we were, In the Gulf? Yeah. gulf that water yeah a lot of oil spills up in that motherfucker now probably a lot more yeah i don't think there were so many when i was a kid they

weren't digging offshore as much i don't think so i went to s Santa Barbara recently. After the big oil spill in the Gulf, whenever I see those fucking things out in the water, I say, well, this is a ticking time bomb. Right. That's going to fuck up eventually. And then this beautiful beach is going to have oil all over it. Well, the odds of it fucking up are actually, I mean, you think about how many rigs are in the water and how many spills there have actually been it's you know it's it's not the odds of all of those things having a you know a spill is pretty it's fairly low it's fairly low and it's but it's always like human error it's just they're not hiring and it's always bp and i always i actually think it's always bp they don't hire the right people

it's not always other companies. Well, the last big BP oil spill, they cut corners. Like, it's fact that they cut corners in the way they constructed it because they were behind budget. Exactly. But the amount of wells they have versus the amount of accidents that occur and the devastation that occurs because of those accidents. That's one way of looking at it. But the other way of looking at it is when those accidents do occur, the fucking catastrophic damage is so devastating that each one of those things is a ticking time bomb. And how long have they been doing it? Well, they've only been doing those offshore oil drills for like 30 or 40 years, I think. I don't think it's been more than that.

I think it's been, I think it's just over 40. I think so. So to me, I think it's just over 40. I think so. So to me, I look at it like nuclear power. There's only been a couple nuclear accidents. But those accidents are fucking crazy. Oh, yeah. Like Fukushima, everybody's sort of forgotten about it. Right.

But I still check on the news on Fukushima because the mainstream news has completely stopped paying attention to it. Right. But if you pay attention to it, if you go and search out, it's a clusterfuck over there. It's really bad. Yeah. And it's not getting any better, like anytime soon. No. I grew up in the town I grew up in actually had a nuclear power plant.

Whoa. Yeah. Really? And then rigs everywhere. It was just, I'm surprised I don't have like a fucking arm growing out of my head. I have a buddy who has bone cancer because he grew up next to a golf course. And really, fucking golfing gives you bone cancer. No, the pesticides that they would use on the golf course to keep the weeds down sank into the wells.

And so they had well water. Oh, wow. Everybody on his fucking block got cancer. Like literally everybody got cancer. It's crazy. Well, my dad, I mean, he died from cancer, but he also worked at a chemical plant for 37 years. So you can't tell me that that didn't like play into him

getting diagnosed with cancer. You're just smelling chemicals all day long. Like there's just no way. And I know all the people that he's worked with and how many people have ended up, you know, getting some fucked up kind of cancer. Oh, yeah. Jesus, man.

Oh, yeah. Terrible. Do you feel like there's a weird thing going on with Instagram and social media and stuff like that, that there's this new sort of intimacy that's very difficult to navigate? That's like when I was saying that people like sort of contact you like they know you or they reach out to you and give you suggestions like they know you there's an intimacy that people have with people that like them or follow them that you know you didn't have to really handle 20 30 years ago well people have access to you yes you know you have access to them if you're so inclined and you know like i'll get people because now like with instagram you can direct message on instagram and um twitter you know do you read those though um you know i'll sometimes i'll click and i could see what it is and if it's just something i'm like no just

i've already seen it or i can't sit there and accept everything because then everybody would keep yes you know sending things um how How many Instagram followers do you have? Like 57,000. That's a lot of fucking people if they all hit you at once. Yeah. All dick pics. So I try to be. How many dick pics do you get on a daily?

One or two? Not as much as I should. That's what I think. I'm kind of disappointed at my level. You deserve more. Yeah, or somebody will send me the same dick. I'm like, I've seen that dick before. No, that's not your dick.

Shame on you. That's sad when they get a Google image dick. Yeah, they're like, Google image somebody else's dick. And I'm like, don't do that. Guess what? After this podcast, they're coming. Thank you. Jenny Johnson, high five.

They're following up right now. Just hear the cameras clicking away. Yeah, right now they're unzipping. And I don't want to filter on them either. No filters. Do you prefer semi, rigid, flaccid? I just find it entertaining that anybody would do it.

I can't ever say that it's different for guys. If everyone's sending you boobs, you're going to be happy with boobs. Yeah. But I don't know any girls are like stoked when a guy sends them a dick pic It's gotta be some I mean I get trust me my phone is filled with some of the nasty shit You've ever seen like the gift gif pictures videos I have a filthy sense of humor, but I've never just gotten a picture of a dick and been like wow

That I want to meet the guy attached to that like I've never felt that way picture of a dick and been like, wow, that, I want to meet the guy attached to that. Like, I've never felt that way. But you're not a hoe. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. Yeah, maybe I could try and work on that. But it's weird. Like, sometimes I'll get a photo, like, from someone I have no idea who they are, and it's just their vagina.

And I'm like, okay. And you're just like. But that's not something you would do, right? See, there you go. I would never do that. But you wouldn't, like, find some musician that you would do right see there you go but you knew you wouldn't like find some musician that you really like and send them a picture of your asshole but there's girls who do that they're like hey god bless them you know look at this see you know they got free time they're proud but i think the kind of girl that would send

you a photo of her vagina it was the kind of girl would love a dick pic like all right reciprocation i would yeah thanks you know it's good manners it's a good behavior you give some i give some yeah i can't say that i would ever i mean i would never do that it's just not i just the idea of me even doing it is hilarious to me like okay well let me go yeah like and then like taking a bunch to decide which one you like the most because you know it wasn't a one take vagina pic. Well, it's really bad if you get a vagina pic and it's like that sort of frosty, foggy Photoshop thing filter. Oh, it looks like a glamour shot or something. What the hell? Is that a real vagina or is this some anime?

Did you send me that in a 1977 filter? This is a fucking Playboy from the early 80s. You know how they have those? They have these weird images. Like, sometimes people will take pictures, and you look at the picture, and you're like, that is not even you. Fucking Dane Cook has done that a couple times. I've looked at his images. I'm like, what kind of filters are you using, buddy?

Like, what's going on there? Oh, on Dane Cook's. He has a pretty. Hilarious Instagram page for all the wrong reasons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was trying to word it properly. Yeah, just him with his shirt on or something. And then this long paragraph of how blessed it is.

What is this? And at some point I'm like, if he is really making a joke, that's amazing. But he's not. Hashtag blessed. Hashtag blessed. Hashtag blessed. I can't even do it. It's so bad. Maybe it is a joke. Maybe the entire thing has been a long subtle joke. I don't even follow him. I just randomly will type

in his name and then just because I'm like, let me see what this is. It never doesn't make me laugh. It's funny every single time. I've seen some good ones. There's a lot of people that I follow like that. They just say ridiculous shit, so I follow them for that, just hoping they're going to say something stupid. I like the people that will post things to show you how great their life is,

but it's the humble brag kind of way. I remember this one girl was trying to show that son had like straight A's on his report card. And so like the way that she was holding, it was also to show that she was wearing a Rolex and she had a nice big fucking ring on. But it was like perfectly in the frame that way. And I thought that is amazing that you just did that. And I know exactly what you're doing. But you think you're outsmarting everyone. Yeah. You know, so proud of my're outsmarting everyone. Yeah.

You know, so proud of my son, hashtag love my son, and then just bling. We're weird little monkeys in that regard. Yeah. Weird little peacocking monkeys. And then some things, it's like, my mom is like the best at this, because if my sister will send like a picture of my nephew on his first day of school, you know, everybody likes to do that. First day of school, of school lunchbox backpack and standing in front of the front door my mom will reply back because it'll be like a group email and she'll go you

need to get those fingerprints off the front door you have fingerprints like she looks past the picture to see what's behind that my sister's front door has glass and there's fingerprints everywhere like i kind of love that and if you look at everyone's picture and do that it's pretty hysterical like what's in the background right i love that it makes me laugh every time this is one of the saddest pictures i ever saw was this girl she had her ass up in the air and uh you know she's like posing doggy style and in the background the lower left corner is a baby it's like crawling around the ground like a little toddler it's like whoa that's dark like you could see him like in the hallway in the lower left corner of the picture like oh god that's it's so like it's disgusting but then i and i also like um there's certain people that will post the picture

where maybe they're on the beach okay and they're looking out at the water. And they'll put some, like, inspirational quote, you know, something that's like, you know, Jesus be with blah, blah, blah. All I'm going is, who the fuck took that picture? You had to ask somebody to do that. And I guarantee you, again, wasn't a first take. Like, it was not the first take. Like, they had to go, no, no, get up that rock a little more. Get my jawline.

You know, I want to look sharp and look, like, really smart. Yeah. That's actually my favorite thing on Instagram. I just like looking at people's pictures. Like, what are you trying to get across to everybody? Yeah, knowing. Knowing that people are going to see it. And, like, I know what you're doing.

But some people can do it and it works. Like, you know who I follow that I legitimately enjoy is The Rock. I think The Rock gets it, too. I think that he gets... He's having fun. He's having fun. Yeah. I actually, I like him, too.

But he's inspirational. Like, he'll post, like, stuff about him getting up at 5 o'clock in the morning to work out before getting to the set and It don't feel like he's bragging at all. I feel like he's inspiring people like he inspires me Yeah, actually that kind of stuff will get you know, okay. Yeah get to the gym. You know, yeah, it is like kind of a But but I don't feel that he's full of shit I've never felt like he was full of shit. Even when he was fucking wrestling, he got it. He's wrestling. It's funny. He's playing a character.

And I always liked him. I thought he was... Well, by all accounts, he's a really great guy. Everybody that I've ever met that met him, that worked with him or knew him, says he's a really nice guy. Just having fun. Have you ever met him before? Yeah, I met him a long time ago.

I met him before he was The Rock. He wasn't really that famous. I met him... he was The Rock. He wasn't really that famous. I met him, I was on MTV for one of those spring break things in Mexico, like Cancun or something like that. Speaking of. I just said hi to him. He's just a big guy. But he wasn't big like he is now. Yeah.

He was like, he looked like a regular athlete. Yeah. Now he's just this fucking gigantic, huge, over-muscled guy. Yeah, it was like, I can't remember what it was. Maybe it was like some after Golden Globe party or whatever. And I saw him and he was, he's a fucking wall. I mean, he's a huge dude. He's like 250, all muscle, no fat.

Just completely, just totally yoked, yeah. I like the rock thing. He's a nice guy. He seems like a nice guy, but it's. If I was a chick, I'd fuck him. How about that? How about that? I said it. I like it.? How about that? Said it.

I like it. I said it. I like it. Yeah, he's one of the few guys that poses in front of a private jet and it doesn't bother me. You know? That always... Yeah, that's it.

That's so... God, that's such a... That's a silly one. Anytime I've been on a private jet, I'm like, oh, I can never do it. Really? I couldn't do it. I would feel so douchey. It's a douchey move,. It's a douchey move.

Such a douchey move. There he is. There he is right there. Look at that. Velvet suit. And again, see, that's someone had to take that photo. But it doesn't bother me. We own the night.

Thank you, Golden Globes, for a spectacular evening. Wheels up in Miami bound. Ballers. Said, here I come. Let's shoot. Ball so hard. Has, here I come. Let's shoot. Ball so hard. Hashtag Velvet Blaze. That is a

the massive potential for douche involved in that photo is overwhelming yet it doesn't come off douchey for whatever reason. 4.33am. See that? And am cardio before I head to work. Yes. Hashtag Jesus needs my cup of unleaded.

Let's roll. Yeah. I mean, it doesn't bother me. He's just one of those guys. He can get away with it. Oh, only 319,000 likes. What does he have, like 50 million followers or something like that? How many followers do you have?

I don't know. I think I have like 800,000. Just a video of what happens to an Instagram account When you have 8 million followers And you post something I'll show you the little video It just explodes Oh well you have the fucking

Well I have everything turned off You can't have that shit turned on Oh my god That would be insane Have you ever been with somebody that has a lot of followers And then you see their notification pop up That they had a like Have you ever been with somebody that has a lot of followers and then you see their Notification pop up that they had a like or that some have you ever been around somebody that Doug Benson used to have that he shut It off. Yeah, but it's like you do that like oh my god. Look at the phone. Oh My god, that's insane. Oh my god. That is insane

It's like a soccer accounts. It's a sex a soccer sports memes kind of thing. Oh, my God. That is fucking insane. He's waiting for the phone to just... It's like a waterfall. It'd be a great way to test the battery. I bet that battery life is just shrinking. Just watching at the top. Like a gigantic V8 engine when you stomp on the gas.

God, that is insane. That is amazing. Wow. Rich kids of China. Did you see that? Well, any rich people, Instagram, like rich kids of Dubai, like those things are hilarious. Oh, God, that's amazing. We live in strange times.

I cannot have the notification thing. I just don't, I don't know. I don't care enough, I guess. Maybe I should. Well, it's just not smart. Yeah. Your phone was constantly, I mean, my phone, if you text me, I assume I like you and I want to talk to you.

Right. And that's what essentially it is. Right. It's reaching out and contacting you. And I have to always. But I don't even keep that. I don't keep a notification even for a text. You don't?

No. Doesn't it buzz? Your phone doesn't buzz if someone texts you? I have everything turned off. So, because I don't like being rude when I'm in front of, like, you know, like, I'll get to it when it's, if it was an emergency, you know, like, I don't think I could. They would call you or something? Huh. Well, everybody must know then.

You can't text Jenny and have her text you right back. Well, I feel like, you know, like, if you're at dinner with your friends or something and people, there's that friend that just won't put the fucking phone down. That's rude. Yeah. So, I just, so, if anything anything i'm doing i always try to keep my phone you ever see anthony bourdain's show uh parts unknown uh actually i caught part of it the other night great fucking show but anyway he has these friends that he turned me on to that are in montreal they own this restaurant called joe, and it's fucking fantastic. I mean, it is one of the greatest restaurants in the history of the world.

And they did this episode with these guys where they went ice fishing, and they set up this ice fishing because they're in Montreal. Right. So it's cold as fuck. So they set up this shack on a lake, and inside it they had like a full gourmet meal. They set up like the whole deal, like beautiful tablecloths, great food and whole deal. And they were talking about like, how do you set up? Like, what do you, what do you, what do you have rules when you go to dinner? And he was like, rule number one, I shut my phone off because I'm, I'm a, you know, I want to have a good conversation. I want to be a good dinner guest. I want to be someone who sits here. Like how many people do that? How many people shut

their phone off? Just shut your fucking phone off. Very few. How many times you go to a restaurant and you see people just staring at her phone when another person is over there staring at their phone? It's like, oh, they're in love. Or when you see the whole family of four and the kids even have headphones on and they're just staring and you're like, your communication skills

are going to suck ass when you're older because no one's talking to you. You don't want to talk to them. No one's forcing you to. Well, I have a folder on my phone that's all for my kids. My kids, their little fingerprints open my phone up. And they'll like, if I leave my phone around, they grab it because they think it's fun to set your fingerprint five and seven, the little one. And so they'll go to the folder.

And if I don't let them, if I don't let them play with the phone, I'm like, no, no, no. Come on. Let's just have a conversation. Oh! What? Come on. Can I just play with your phone? Like, no you can't. Yeah. Can I play with your phone?

No, I just said you can't. Yeah. Can I please play with your phone? No, you can't play with the phone. Let's just hang out and talk. Oh! Then hang it up. When that hovers over your head as an option to talking to your parents, it's so attractive that they just can't,

well, can I play with your phone now? No, you just asked 30 seconds ago, you little fuck. Come on. I don't say that, but. But it is, I mean, like, I saw kids actually walking, like, just a group of kids, where the gym is that I work at,

where, like, Fairfax High School is. So I go to this little boxing gym, and there's an alleyway where the kids will walk, and so, like, when you're in there, you can watch them walking after school. And every single one is just buried in their phone. They don't look up. They're just... Some lady walked right into me at the airport the other day.

Just on her phone. I just stood. I was like, is she going to walk right into me? Bam! Just wasn't even looking. Just hoping that people would just get out of her way. I was like, this is hilarious. This lady's just walking forward while texting. All I did was stop. I was like, this is hilarious. This lady's just walking forward while texting.

All I did was stop. I was like, okay, what's going on here? Boom. She can't just go to the side. How do you walk and text in a crowded place at an airport? Yeah, and plus there's fucking chairs everywhere. Yeah, have a seat, bitch. Yeah, have a seat at one of the gates.

Well, how many times have you been on the road and you watch someone swerving and you go, this fucker's texting. I know it. You pull up beside them and you see the light of their phone illuminating their face. Or when it's like you're at a red light, light turns green and they're still sitting there because somebody has to honk. Well, again, I think these things go back to what I was talking about earlier, that media, I think, is too compelling for our natural response systems,

our natural instincts and reward systems that are in place for people. This is too much going on on there. It's too fun. It's too... Peek in there. Woo. Yeah. You know?

But have you ever got where you were on a long flight and there was no Wi-Fi or whatever and you couldn't wait to play with your phone? Mm. Sometimes, yeah. You get a five-hour flight, you land, and then when you're finally in a chair and you're comfortable, you're like, check my email. Well, when you go to Australia, 16 hours with no email. That's brutal, right.

Anything can happen. Well, you know about that lady that texted that joke about AIDS? Yes. That was what we were talking about when we were talking about you. This woman who did it was like one of those people that would do that. She would text funny shit. Right. And, you know, controversial.

Try to be funny and try to be rude. And she texts this joke about I'm going to Africa. Hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. I'm white. LOL. Which I read and I laughed. I thought it was funny.

Yeah, I laughed. But she's fucked. Oh, yeah. I mean, she got shit canned. Yeah, she laugh. But she's fucked. Oh, yeah. I mean, she got shitcanned. Yeah, she got shitcanned, and now she works for one of those sort of like DraftKings, one of those kind of companies. Oh, they're about to get shitcanned, too. And she's involved in another company.

Yeah. Why are they getting shitcanned, though? I don't understand. I think they got too greedy with their commercials. Oh, really? You know, because everybody that did fantasy football and shit like that were, you know, all the cool dudes that got to go to Hooters on Saturday morning to draft my team, you know, that kind of thing. And I think that it just got too, like, in your face.

Like, yeah, we're gambling. We don't give a shit. Here's our ad for it. Like, you can't do that. But it should be legal. It should be fucking legal. Trust me, it should totally be legal. But the reason they're in trouble, I think, is they got too greedy.

Is that why they're in trouble? Jamie, you know about all that stuff. I think it is why they're in trouble, right? Is that why they're in trouble? Sort of. Sort of. They're being, from what I understand, they're being trouble? Jamie, you know about all that stuff. I think it is why they're in trouble, right? Is that why they're in trouble? Sort of. Sort of. They're being, from what I understand, they're being a little bit deceptive in what's actually going on. There's some people that have only like, from what I've read, 1% of the people that actually play are winning like 99% of the money.

Smart ones, like the rest of the world. They have some algorithms. They used to be professional poker players online. Oh. They've all moved into this world, sort of. Oh, so they've figured out how to do it with math. Yeah, exactly. Oh. It's all math.

It's Excel programs. I would not be able to do that. Well, I used to have this sponsor called Lumosity. And Lumosity is like their brain games. And they're supposed to increase your IQ. They're kind of interesting. They're supposed to increase you. There are games that you play that can actually accelerate learning or help you learn or make your brain work better.

Yeah, there's some that are like threes. There's like some number games that are supposed to help you. Chess. Chess helps your brain. Well, these people got greedy with their claims, and now they're fucked. And they just had a judgment against them for like millions of dollars in payback. Yeah, because they were saying shit like it could I guess they alluded to the idea

that it would help stave off early Alzheimer's. Yeah. I had read something about that because there was different games and there was something that was like if you're driving somewhere and there was a thing like drive with oven mitts on or

you know. Yeah. Like it was like, do something different. Like you always go to the grocery store, you go on this aisle, start on, start in the middle. Like, you know, it's so as people get older, they, as you get older, you really get set in your ways. And so, you know, to go this way to this place, go the other way. Oh, how fucked up. But something to just kind of jar your brain, you know, like to make you, oh, okay. Now I have to think, cause usually your brain, you know, like to make you, oh, okay, now I have to think.

Because usually after a while you're just a robot. You're doing exactly the same damn thing. Go to a different grocery store. You know, like that kind of thing. Which I love. My mom, I told her about this and she goes, oh, okay, well tell me. And I said, well, like when you go to the grocery store. I said, go a different route.

Take, you know, take the 7th Street and go around. Well, I'm not doing that. I was like, okay, but when you go in, you always start at produce. I said, go start at the bread aisle. And the others said, well, that's just stupid. I'm not doing that. I was like, well, fine. I'll see you in the nursing home. I don't know what you're talking about. Trying to help you. Jesus. It's weird that people have that thing where patterns, they actually sort of limit the possibilities that your brain has to consider. So your brain sort of atrophies almost like, you know, like not lifting weights or not exercising or something along those lines.

Yeah. Like, I mean, I have to go exercise like that helps me like it makes me. Oh, yeah. I mean, that helps. That helps a lot. But you do that before shows. Do you find it like if you have an important show that exercising sort of leads? Oh, yeah. I try to do. Fuck. For me, it's cardio. Like hard cardio.

I'll do like elliptical machine or something like that for like a half an hour before a show. I feel so much better. Yeah. It's almost like I know it doesn't work that way, but it's almost like I got to clean out my brain pipes. Like I'm just flushing the system with blood. I know it doesn't work that way, but it's almost like I got to clean out my brain pipes. Like I'm just flushing the system with blood. I know it doesn't really work that way.

No, but it's like, I actually think it does because have you ever had a show where, you know, you got somewhere and you're like, okay, I have to take a nap because you've been going, going. You take a nap, you wake up to go to the show and I'm mush. Like I just, you know, I've just woken up. Like I just don't feel as sharp. Yeah. you know i've just woken up like i just don't feel as sharp yeah as if i you know when i go work out and then i'm just going i'm like i'm ready to go then yeah i don't know exactly what the mechanisms are that are going on inside the mind when you're exercising but there's something that the mind gets exercise too as well as the body because your mind has to move the body yeah

like you think of exercise being a non-mental thing because oh, you're just a meathead, just fucking working out, lifting weights, but there's something that's going on while your brain is forcing your body to do these movements. You're exercising willpower, you're exercising like determination and focus.

There's all these things that are going on that I think accentuate intellectual pursuits. Yeah. If that makes any sense. No, it does. I mean, like I go to this boxing gym and I don't actually spar with people. It's just one-on-one with me and my trainer. But he'll, you know, pads on his hands.

And I have to do combinations. Right. So I have to think. And I know when I start getting really tired and I need to get a drink of water, like I'll start forgetting. Right. I can watch myself be fresh and then I'm like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. You told me to weave. Okay. You know, then go back at it again. Let me get a drink of water. But I like it because it makes me think while I'm doing something. Right. I still have to concentrate on exactly, you know, whatever it is I'm doing. So there is something to it. I agree with that. actually any any sort

of exercise that you have to think about things like they say handball is really good for the mind like yeah yeah racquetball handball things on those lines so that ball's coming you don't know where it's going you're you have to really anticipate what's happening yeah i would imagine tennis would be the same thing like because you're because there's hand-eye coordination involved with fast motion, calculations, the spin of the ball, the ball's bouncing, here it goes. Yeah. There's a lot of different things you have to sort of trick your mind into getting engaged with. Yeah. No, I agree with that.

I mean, it's, I don't know. I don't know what causes Alzheimer's. What's the cause of it? I think it's a genetic issue. Is like, I don't know like what causes Alzheimer's. Like what, what's the cause of it? Is it just, I think it's a genetic issue. Is it? I believe so.

I believe it's, people have a genetic propensity for it. But I wonder if people that just do like when people get old and they're just in the recliner all fucking day long and that's it. They're watching the same shit. Like you're not challenging yourself ever. Yeah. I wonder if that factors in at all. I think it certainly can factor in. But people that have it, it is a disease.

People that I know, I have a friend whose girlfriend's dad has it. And they have to go visit. And it's just, he's just barely there. He's completely out of it. And it was an interesting podcast. I think it was Radiolab where they're talking about they were trying to repopulate the whooping crane. The whooping crane was like in danger of extinction. And one of the things that they had done was they tried to come up with new migration paths for these animals.

Oh, I think I read something about that. Well, this lady had bird feeders in her yard, and these whooping cranes had come to her yard to use the bird feeders, and they were setting up these bird feeders and interacting with them, and the scientists that had spent so much money and so much time trying to engage these whooping cranes into forming these new migration paths, we're trying to get her to stop doing it, trying to get her to stop feeding the birds. Because these birds, they don't want them to be wild. They don't want them to rely on people.

And also, because these patterns were predictable, people would find them. Some people were shooting the whooping cranes. They had lost a few of them. And they had spent fucking ungodly amounts of money trying to repopulate these birds. But her husband had Alzheimer's, like real bad. And the only thing that would get him excited was birds. So he would be out there with her and he would see the birds. He would, oh, look, look, there he is right there.

And she said, like, for that brief moment while these birds were there, he would be back. And she would be able to engage him and talk to him. But when the birds were gone, he just drifted away. He went right back. And he was gone. And so she was like, fuck you. I'm hanging out with my husband with the birds. It was weird, you know.

That's pretty, yeah. It's actually kind of incredible. I mean, I remember, like, when my dad, like, before he died, this is a real fun story, but my mom was like, you know, just they were frustrated with each other. You know, he's just riddled with cancer. She's trying to help. He's pissed, you know, and they never fought. They never like ever.

So it was weird to see them that way. But then if somebody came that he didn't know, he would come back. Like it was like you're a new person. It's not the same shit You know like as soon as somebody brand-new came in like if it was a nurse or somebody he didn't know I would watch him Just immediately come back. You know like I don't know if he was trying to be more hospitable or if it was like what it was but just You would watch him just like it could just switch and he would be nice. Well, I think

You would watch him just like it could just switch and he would be nice Well, I think novelty new things new new experiences new places all those things stimulate areas of our brain that we kind of Take for granted. Yeah, like I like doing things that I suck at that's one of things that I really like doing I like doing things that I'm not good at I'm new with them Yeah, because because I'm new at them I get obsessed with it like you want to be good Yeah, are you but you're probably competitive? Yeah, to a fault right of issues And because I'm new at them, I get obsessed with it. You want to be good at it. But you're probably competitive. Oh, to a fault of issues. No, I am too.

I'll be sweating at a board game or something. Like, just win. Well, I was real bad when I was young. I'm way better at it now. Way better. Because now I understand what it is. Back then, I just would be overwhelmed by the demon. And I just needed to win. You know, find a way to win.

Right. But just new things, like even things that aren't competitive. Well, I guess archery can be competitive, but I just do it like sort of as practice. But I'm obsessed with it. I fucking, it's just because I suck at it for whatever reason like when i'm practicing it just becomes my entire focus and these new things like that like yoga is another thing i fucking suck at it but i tried yoga i love doing it i can't do it how come you can't do it you only tried it once i'm not flexible oh well that's because you got to stretch what the fuck kind of

logic is that i know but i sucked that's at it. That's like saying, yeah, I tried playing football, but I'm not good at it. I tried once. Well, also, I like to move around a lot more. Oh, okay. So that's why yoga really wasn't. I like feeling like I'm doing it. I like to go jog. I like to, you know, like, that's not enough moving about for me.

Yeah. Well, that's part of the whole practice of it is practice being still. Yeah. Holding poses. My point is I'm not good at it, so I'm obsessed with it. So when I do it, it just becomes like this overwhelming thing for me where I concentrate on it all the time and I'll do it a couple days a week and for the other days that I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about it a lot of time.

That's interesting. I think that's why like stand-up does that for me. Oh, yeah. Stand-up really does that for me because I always get a little nervous before I go. You know, like, and if it works, you know, and if it doesn't, you figure out what joke didn't work, why it didn't, you know. Should I scrap it? Should I change it? Should I?

But that's one thing I really love about stand-up is it does, like, jar me. You know, it makes me, like, you know, like how you feel when you get off stage and you're like all psyched up and shit. Like, I love that feeling of being nervous and, you know, on stage. And that always is very, like, rewarding to me. Well, stand up is one of the few things that's still challenging in that way all these years later, 26 plus years later for me. But it's also because I write new stuff. Yeah. That's the key.

Practicing new material. That's always, yeah. Having new material, constantly writing. If you don't do that, then you get trapped. And if you get trapped with an act, like we all know those older comics that have been around for 50 fucking years or whatever and they have that act

where they're doing like Reagan impressions. Claritin. Powerful Claritin. It hasn't kicked in yet. I took it on the way here. Are you allergic to anything else? Cats, dogs, cheese, milk? Nothing? No, just shit flying through the air.

You don't even know what it is, huh? No, I know it's like pollen. Every time it rains, that's when it happens. So it's whatever's kicked up, like ragweed, pollen. Is it seasonal? Times of year? Yeah. Did you get it in Houston as well?

Mm-hmm. Huh. Just different times of year in Houston. It's different out here i've actually had it worse out here which is weird that is weird yeah i don't know if it's the climate like i was in a really humid yeah climate i don't know if there's just something else maybe that i'm allergic to that i don't know but i've noticed that because my eyes get a little burn you know and i'll get like that you know just real red. I could feel like everything's draining.

That's interesting because a lot of people move to like dry desert climates like Arizona to try to avoid. Believe me, I know it's weird. I don't know what it is, but it's been worse since I've been in LA. Houston in the summer is one of the most bizarre environments. Oh, you guys are fucking brutal. It's just you're just breathing water. You're like. Yeah, everything's just.

It's wet. Yeah, yeah. You feel like you could drain your lungs. It'll be like 100 degrees and 100% humidity. Yeah. It's just the windows outside. You walk up, you're wearing sunglasses. They fog up and everything.

Yeah. Your sunglasses fog up. Your clothes instantly stick to you. Yeah, like everything. Your T-shirts will start feeling a little flimsy. Like if you had one of those stiff T-shirts, all of a sudden it's real flimsy on you. Wet, just stuck to you.

Yeah, but it's really good for your skin. Is it? Yeah, chicks stay young looking for a long time out there. Yeah, it doesn't hurt a lot. Stay moist. Stay moist. Facially. Skin-wise. I don't mean the other way. Moist. Facially. Skin-wise.

I don't mean the other way. Moist facially doesn't sound... Yeah, your skin, your facial skin stays moist. Does that make sense? Am I lying? Am I making things up? I use lotion. Yeah, well, that helps, too.

Yeah. That's a good move. Yeah, I do that. But I think that the environment, like the dry air environment, is bad for your skin. But I think that the environment, like the dry air environment, is bad for your skin. Oh, it definitely is because I know like when it – those moments during the summertime out here when it's just fucking that just gnarly heat, that desert heat. Hair dryer heat. Oh, my God.

And it's like my skin is like drinking the lotion that I put on it. It's like how have my skin already like dried out again? You know, like you're just sitting there just, it's pretty not fun. But I like it out here better. What do you like about here? But more open-minded, more? No, there's just more to do. Oh. You know, I like doing all the stand-up stuff and writing.

And it's different because I moved out here. Career-wise. Yeah, career-wise. So I love my career, so that makes it, you know. And plus the weather's usually always nice out here. I like out here. Career-wise. Yeah, career-wise. So I love my career, so that makes it, you know. And plus, the weather's usually always nice out here. I like the beaches. I like to surf. I like to, you know, it's fun.

There's two things I don't like out here. One, the overpopulation. Yeah. It's ridiculously overcrowded. The traffic sucks. Traffic sucks. That's tough. And two, there's...

Go ahead. She's tuck go ahead. She's, she's talking away. No, I'm just like throwing all my fucking tissues. It's really impressive. The, um,

the other thing is there's this disingenuous aspect of the entertainment industry. There's this shallow, weird sort of actor E thing that I think is a product of people having to audition. So you're constantly having to get people to like you. So you put on this sort of fake behavior. Yeah. And then you become a part of whatever clique or whatever pattern that you think is, like,

in the vogue, in popular. You know, like how many people called Caitlyn Jenner a hero. And, you know, like, it's where, you know, you're in. You're in with the right sensibilities. Everyone likes you. Even though in your head you could be like, what the fuck? Kony 2012. There was this fucking Kony 2012 where everybody fucking jumped on board.

I'm like, do you even know what the fuck you have a bumper sticker for? Do you know that I still hashtag that? Kony 2012? But I'll do it on something that makes absolutely no sense. It's just a horrible dick joke, and then I always put Kony 2012. I'm like, I'm not going to let it die. I'm just going to keep it. You shouldn't.

I want it to stay relevant, Kony 2012. That's one of my favorite all-time human folly stories, because the guy who started that whole movement. That meltdown he had. Oh, it was amazing. It was so good. That was a true meltdown yeah well i think he was probably completely insane before he started and then the pressure of the success of the movement like somehow or another this guy got celebrities and all these world famous people were on board

because it became the the cause du jour You know, it was the thing. Yeah. It was the flavor of the month. I mean, he like, how long did it last? So I'm trying to think. It's quite a while. Six months, maybe. Six.

Okay. Something like that. But it was amazing. Yeah. Every celebrity was on board wearing their t-shirt. Mm-hmm. Coney 2012. I saw so many bumper stickers.

Oh my God. One day jerking off in front of people, running around the street with your pants down, screaming. He was completely naked, just screaming on the corner. And I was like, Kony 2012. Don't forget. It's over. Don't forget. Blessed.

Hashtag blessed. And it ended. It ended. Like that. That was it. Like that. That's all it took. It was like people talked a little bit about the meltdown and then it was like something else happened.

We never heard, like who knows what that guy is doing right now. But to me that embodies the disingenuous aspect of a lot of the Hollywood like activism type behavior. It's like I don't necessarily think they're really interested in the activism as much as they're interested in people thinking they're interested in the activism. They're trying to put together a package, you know, and that package is how you look, how you dress, how you act. And you have to have liberal sensibilities because you want to be fucking cast. So you have to you have to connect with these people that are the casting agents. You can't have you know, you can't be outrageous in any way that's non-conducive. You can't be a Republican.

Oh, no. If you say you're a Republican, like, who's it that said it? Rob Schneider or somebody said he was a Republican? Is he? I think he said it, but it was just like... He's a fucking vaccine denier, and he's got a lot of weird shit going on with him. Right, but it's like if you, that's not liberal, you know, like... Yeah.

Well, I guess a vaccine denier... There's a lot of vaccine deniers that are liberal. But it's such a weird thing that if you do something that's not the norm out here, everyone just treats you like a bag of shit. Yeah. I don't feel like I don't have that problem because I'm not an actor. Right. I'm a writer and I do stand up. But also, I don't know if it's because I moved out here.

I'm 37. So I didn't move out here at 19 starry eyed with five roommates and an efficiency you know like super vulnerable to other ideas i'm like no i've been working i have a stock portfolio i bought a house like i was so i didn't really give a shit the way that i think that if you come out here so early you're totally affected by it yeah well i've met a lot of people that were really young when they came out here and i met them young when they're out here. Like I did a show once back in the day with this guy who was an actor and he was like 22 and he was this handsome guy and he was trying so hard to fucking be the, that guy, you know, and we were talking about, do you remember that Jack Nicholson movie with, um, Helen Hunt?

I think it's called as good as it gets. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking hated that movie. I hated that movie with every fiber of my being. And one of the reasons why I hated it, because I felt sad that this woman, who's a single mom, and she seemed really nice, and Jack Nicholson's a piece of shit, and he's an asshole, and she's stuck with him. This is as good as you get.

That was the whole idea of it. And then there's this fucking ridiculous idea that he was racist because he needed medication. So they gave him medication. He stopped being racist. Like what the fuck kind of movie is this? This is gross. And so he and I were having this conversation because it was the movie that everybody enjoyed.

Oh, everyone did. She won a Bucket. It was amazing. Yeah. She won an Oscar for it. So he and I were having this conversation. He was doing that thing that they do where if it is something that everybody likes, he likes it. And I go, I fucking hated that movie.

And he's like, why? He goes, it was an amazing movie. I go, it was amazing. I go, it was amazing. What the fuck? And she's this poor woman who has this kid and he's this old cunt and she's stuck with him. Right. Because she can't get anybody any better.

So she'd rather her sickly kid be around that yeah creepy dude with sunglasses on the doors like what yeah so he goes actually i thought he had a lot to offer her i go what what did you just say he had a lot to offer what breathing he's money around her he had money and she didn't what does that mean it was even worse like it was the whole yeah the purpose of that movie was disgusting But when I had this conversation with him about it, it became clear really early on when I started chipping away at it. Like, okay, what was it that got you about the movie? Well, what got him is that everybody was saying they liked it. Right. Everybody said they liked it, so he wanted to say he liked it.

And he was racking his brain for what was that one thing that person said about it. He's an interesting case because he got real hot real quick. Like, people were really into him. But then they found out he was kind of dumb, and it just drifted away. It just ended. I thought that was okay in Hollywood. You can only be so dumb. Oh.

He was real fucking dumb. He was super dumb. There's a lot of people that they get, like, a little bit of juice in the beginning, and they're like, whoa, it's really starting to happen. It's really starting. And then the juice cuts off. Sure. And then some new one with maybe better cheeks or something. Right.

I mean, everybody has their moments of getting hot and then cold. And you have to hope if you get cold, you get hot. Yeah, but it's really fucking stupid. I don't know. During that whole Chris Brown thing, that's my fucking stupid. I don't know. Like during that whole Chris Brown thing, that's my only example. So of course I was getting invited to be on shows and talk about it. And I declined everything.

I was like, no, no, I'm not good for you. I was like, absolutely not. I was like, Chris Brown thing.

We talked about it before the podcast, but if people don't know, um, Chris Brown obviously was in trouble because he beat up Rihanna and that whole thing and, you know, the domestic violence issue. And you tweeted something at him. What did you tweet? Well, it was like my lowest form of comedy writing is the celebrity retweet. It's because I can't think of anything else.

Right. And I'll just go to my favorite targets like him or Kim Kardashian. And I only make fun of them when they write something stupid. I never, ever, like, I've never talked about somebody's looks, their weight, their, you know, like, it's just when something dumb. And with his, you know, what he did, he's a horrible person. And he had showed no signs of remorse. Like, he kept doing shit, you know, through a chair, through the window in Good Morning America when Robert and Roberts interviewed him. Yeah, well, they Roberts interviewed him. Yeah.

Well, I mean like asking him about it and apparently they had made some sort of an agreement where they weren't going to bring up domestic violence. I'm here to talk about my album. Right. Yeah. But the whole thing is, it's like how he channeled his rage,

you know, throwing a chair through a fucking window. Really? Like you couldn't. So I was bored child. So I was bored and he had tweeted something like, um, man, I look old as fuck and I'm only 23. And so I retweeted it and I was bored. It's a petulant child. So I was bored, and he had tweeted something like, man, I look old as fuck, and I'm only 23.

And so I retweeted it, and I was like, I know. Being a worthless piece of shit can really age a person. I thought it was funny. And then all of a sudden, like, I look at my replies on my phone, and it was like, it would look like that, those waterfall of just, like, all of a sudden it was, like, 1,000, 2,000. I'm like, holy shit. Whoops. Like, what did I do? And then I realized he was coming back.

Oh. Like, you know, telling me to suck his dick. I'm like, oh, your mother must be so. Like, I just, I played with him. Right. It was a Sunday. I was bored. And, like, next thing I know is, like, he deleted his entire Twitter account. And I'm like.

Wow. That's not what I meant to do. Didn't he say he wanted to shit in your mouth too? Shart in my eye. Your eye? My retina to be. Well, how is he so specific? I don't know. I think he was trying to sound smart.

How kind of laser beam accuracy does he have with his sharting? Yeah, retina is even in the back of the eye. It's not in the front. Like he didn't even. I think he was just trying to sound smart. Like he shart on your retina i was just laughing away and i like he said like ask rihanna if she mad i'm like ask rihanna if she mad so like i tweeted back and then i linked his police report to that tweet oh that's hilarious i thought it was funny and we went back and forth

for a while and then he deleted his account and that's when it became a thing. Did he put it back up? Is his account back? Yeah, it was only down for a couple weeks or something like that. Do you delete your account when you put it back? Do you get all your followers back? Do you have to start from scratch? No, you have to start from scratch.

But he has the most insane, loyal group of idiots that follow him. Just misspelled death threats. All day long is what i got was just misspelled death threats i was like well you know whoops but then the next i was like my manager like i love the call that i got she's like jenny um what did you do because i have a lot of messages here and i was was like, yeah, no, my bad. My bad. I was like, just tell them all no. And she's like, okay. And she goes, are you sure you don't want?

I've got good ones of View, Larry King. I was like, no. The View is a good one. How hilarious is that? She was laughing. Like she was totally not promoting this. And she's like, got some good ones I want you to be on. We got Larry King.

We got the View. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to do any of it. Because I didn't want to. That's not was my intention. It was just so happened that something that I thought he wasn't going to take and get pissed about like that ended up being something. And it wasn't how I wanted to make my self known, you know, and I just at that point, I already had like, you know, over 300,000 followers. It wasn't like I didn't. I was just starting out and I was trying to get fame or something off of it. You were doing what you do.

I was doing what I do, and it went somewhere that I did not expect it to go. It went in a glorious place. Yeah, and I was like, ah, yeah, no, I don't want to do that. And I think about it, and I wonder if people would. Somebody said something one time, did that bother you that that was when you were got hot i was like no that is not when i was hot maybe to you to me that was like the low that was me like dipping you know no it was not my finest hour i was not proud of that moment at all i don't regret it but i don't i'm certainly not gonna go sit on a show and talk about how wonderful i am. It's like, no, look at what I wrote.

I called him like a fucking ignorant fuck. I'm like, no. I'm not Rosa Parks or something. You're like some hero. It's like, no, he's a piece of shit. And I was just, I like acknowledging that. Yeah. That's it.

I wish I knew what happened with them. I know he beat her and I know you should never beat you shouldn't beat anybody you definitely shouldn't beat someone you love you definitely shouldn't beat a girl if you're a guy yeah but I want to know what she did you know she might have punched him in the face too and he punched her back or well I mean the whole police report is like you know which he he actually acknowledged it all was she took his phone and there was another chick texting and she was like what the fuck you know but they're driving and then he punched her in the mouth and then just kept punching her, like driving around.

It was like a 30-minute torture session. What? Really? Yeah, like he beat her head into like, and missed whatever her actual last name is. Her mouth filled with blood, a tooth chipped. She didn't hit him at all? No, she didn't hit him at all. She kept trying to get out of the car.

But then they break up. Of course, he's got a restraining order. And then when that ended, she got back together with him. Probably gives him good dick. I guess so. Gives out that good dick. I guess so. Maybe she, I don't know.

Maybe she forgave him. Maybe she shouldn't have been fucking with his phone. Maybe she should have kept her hands where they belong. Not on his phone. Not on your phone. It's on your phone your phone let me know well that was such a like i mean it was such a you know when i started getting all of them like oh my god my mom is gonna like read the that i wrote like i was more just going oh jesus imagine if you that was your daughter that guy was hitting your daughter and then just, I'm getting back together with him.

Yeah. I just. Who knows? Garbage man. Who knows what the fuck they're really like or what she's really like. She's obviously a little crazy too. Yeah. I mean, she'd have to be like a little.

Yeah. But I think people that are that talented are just fucking crazy anyway. Him or her, who's talented? Her. She's very talented. Her voice is incredible. Yeah. But a lot of people can sing. You or her, who's talented? Her. She's very talented. Her voice is incredible. Yeah, but a lot of people can sing. You don't think she's talented?

Well, it's just because I think she's dumb for getting back together with him. I have a hard time getting past that, but I don't even listen to any music anyway. I'm such an old person driving around listening to lithium. Are you serious? I'm serious. That's who you listen to? What do you listen to? Like, what's your kind of music?

I'm not kidding you. That's probably it. I listen to that, 80s, 90s. Do you? First Wave. You're a Nirvana fan? You're a Nirvana fan? I like Nirvana already.

Did you see Soaked in Bleach? I did. I didn't really care for it. What did you think about it? I didn't like it. The movie? The documentary that thinks that Courtney Love had a part in Kurt Cobain's death? I've seen...

How many documentaries are there about him? There's a few. There's a lot. There's the... There's some real shitty ones that didn't get... The HBO one, right? Yeah. Montage of Heck that I didn't see.

But the reenactment crap. That was terrible. That's... I was out. I couldn't finish it, actually, because I'm like, I can't watch bad acting like i thought it was a documentary right and if i'm watching actors pretend to be and it's somebody else's version of it you know it it felt yeah i was like no yeah i agree with you in that sense but i don't think they had rights to anything else i think she owns the rights to kurt you know so like I don't think they could do anything else

if they wanted to show that movie and depict those stories and how do you just not do it well I think then they just write a book the problem is people won't read books and another problem is if you want people to pay attention, you would have to listen to her actual voice saying a bunch of crazy shit, which is in that documentary. When you hear her actual voice lying about like having a drug overdose and making these publicity stunts and lying to him about where she found the suicide note or, you know, when she said she found it under the bed or under the pillows. And he's like, well, here's the problem with that i checked under the pillows we checked under all the pills we checked under everything we scoured that room and she's like yeah i swear it was there like what like when you hear that yeah and then when you see the actual physical evidence of her copying kurt cobain's handwriting and then you see the difference between the suicide note which is three mostly

like seven eights a suicide note is him talking about non-related stuff and then the last tiny portion of it is the suicide note which is clearly in a different handwriting bigger letters and like whoa did she fucking write this like it doesn't mean that she killed him right could mean that crazy bitch wrote a suicide note for him to make herself look awesome that he loved her. She's fucking crazy. She's fucking crazy. I know, but I don't think there's anybody

that believes that she's not crazy. Exactly. I would be I don't think there's a person that would go, no, no, no. She's totally sane. So she could be out of her mind. She could be a liar. She could be all those things and still not be guilty of murder. Like, there's nothing in that documentary that shows that she killed him. There's nothing.

It's just that— It just shows she's nuts, which everybody already knew. Yeah, that's why I didn't like it. Everyone made a big deal about it, and I just— The reenacting really took me completely out of the picture. But I've seen so many things. Like, everyone knows she's batshit. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she did that.

Yeah. Well, the sheriff work. I don't think she killed him, though. The police work is so piss poor. That was one of the most disturbing things about it. When you find out, like, you know, also, was it like 94 when he died or something like that? Was it like 90-something?

Was it 94? I think so. So we're talking pre-internet. So the accountability was minimal. Small town, you know, a small area. And then it was the Seattle Police Department. The sheriff was a fucking idiot. Fucked up a bunch of other cases.

Eventually he was kicked out. Right. Like there was all sorts of bad police work going on on top of that. The difference between the first responders' accounts of the murder scene versus his response. The difference between the image of the urine. Yeah. Fucking allergies. I was just swallowing water.

The first responder said you could clearly tell who it is. And then, you know, their their version of it, that his face was blown off. Like, well, those are two different versions. The fact that they cremated him six days later, the fact that they called it a suicide instantly before the autopsy was performed, that you're supposed to leave that to a forensic scientist to go over the evidence. It's a clusterfuck. But in that clusterfuck, people are trying to draw conclusions. But don't you believe that he killed himself? I don't believe anything.

I don't know. I do not know. The other thing is I don't understand heroin. So when they say that he had three times the lethal dose of heroin in his system and that he wouldn't have been able to pull the trigger, I don't know if that's true. I don't know if maybe he had insane tolerance because he did a lot of heroin. He could have. Yeah.

Like maybe it would be three times for you and I, but not three times for him. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. But it was creepy. It was a creepy documentary. I mean, that whole story, that whole scene was creepy as shit. I mean, even like when, what's his face, Scott Weiland, you read that he passed away.

I mean, it's so terrible, but I felt like every single person was like, well, that was going to happen. Scott Weiland, I met him. He did Dana White's birthday party. Dana White was president of the UFC. He performed, Stone Temple Pilots performed at his birthday party. First of all, let me just say, they were fucking amazing. I've seen them like three times, and every time

they were awesome. They performed in a ballroom for, I mean, maybe there was like 200 people there, and the people that were paying attention when they went on stage, it was like maybe 40. We had to get people up towards the stage to pay attention. That motherfucker rocked out like he was in front of 25,000 sold out rabid fans.

I mean, he hit it hard. I remember being humbled. I remember seeing that and going, wow, like that guy. It made me want to do stand-up better. It made me like, man, I want to go right. I want to work on my performing because that guy maybe like man i want to go right i want to i want to work on my performing because that guy fucking nailed it gave everything yeah but backstage he was a nightmare he was a disaster because my friends that had to deal with him the friends that worked for the ufc

that had to like like he wanted he demanded to go on like right now or he's getting out of there he's gonna fucking leave i want my fucking money i want to go on right now like he was just cracked out of his mind or heroin down or whatever the fuck he was doing he just he was like barely there all the time and always on edge and you know you could blame it on his creative juices inside of him it made him such a genius performer which are which is undeniable that he was a genius. Yeah. Like performance wise. Performance wise.

Yeah. I mean, he put on a show like every time I ever saw him, that band player, he was amazing. But. Yeah. But did you read what the mother of his children said about him? Like that Rolling Stone thing? Because every time I would see him so fucked up and then you would go to be married to that.

And you have children with that guy. Yeah. And then he had new children with a new wife and then just sort of didn't talk to the old. And of course, obviously, that's her story. Sure. Who knows how crazy she is? Who knows what the reality of it is? Right.

You could die and your ex-boyfriend could write a fucking crazy book about you. Sure. And you'd be like, you know, all fiction. Yeah. We don't know. But this is sad. That's a fucking crazy drug, that heroin. Woo!

I would never in a million years touch that. What if it made you, like, so good? What if you got a little bit of heroin in you? I couldn't do it. Microdose? I'd be too afraid. Microdose? I would be the one that would die, like, the first time trying.

I would die the first time trying it. I'm like, no, I got a lot to live for. They find out it's a diverse reaction to Claritin. Claritin D. Oh, you took the Claritin D the 24-hour? Yeah, no, you're going to fucking die. They find out it's a diverse reaction to Claritin. Claritin D. Oh, you took the Claritin D, the 24-hour? Yeah, no, you're going to die. Oh, you fucked up. You fucked up, girl.

It seems to have an awesome effect on musicians, though. Well, until they die. They'll die, yeah. Yeah, but up until that. Up until age 27. After that, it seems to drop off radically. This is like all the age 27 people, right? It's always 27.

Janis Joplin, Morrison, Hendrix. Amy Winehouse. Amy Winehouse. Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain, yeah. It's all 27. So bizarre. 27 is the age that everybody just...

It's Illuminati. It's like that five thing. It is. Is that what it is? H-I-5. H-I to H-I-V. That's actually what I have. That's what I'm sniffing at what it's the AIDS coming out of your nose my a tease I got a touch of AIDS yeah it's but like is there a drug that has a more unique relationship to music than heroin I don't think so the

only comedian that I knew that was a heroin guy was Hedberg. And Mitch Hedberg had like a sort of almost like a jazzy sort of sense of humor. Yeah. It was like a weird. Even his voice, like the way he spoke and everything was like he was like a cool cat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He would do his act sometimes with his back to the crowd. He would turn and do it and kill he was killing he wasn't even looking at everybody well there's something about that confidence too to do something that's that just fucking outrageous turn your back to the crowd but not give a shit you're not nervous like they they would sniff you out if you were like yeah you're scared but it's like he had such control over everybody that he just could do it and everybody would laugh. Well, he was a unique guy in that for a long time he had a real problem following certain acts. Like when they would like say if you get booked in like the Funny Bone in Columbus, right?

If you get booked there, unless you are a big draw to the point where you say, hey, I'm bringing my opening acts with me. They would book local people. And so they would have some guy like I know a story where he went to this club. to the point where you say, hey, I'm bringing my opening acts with me. They would book local people. And so they would have some guy, like I know a story where he went to this club. They had a local guy. The local guy before him is fucking literally doing handstands. He's singing and dancing.

He has music he plays. He does a rap to close. He closes with a rap. The audience goes crazy. And then Hedberg goes up there with sunglasses on, stands in front of the microphone, you know, and says, somebody asked me if I want a banana, frozen banana. I said, no, but I want a regular banana later.

So, yes. That's funny, but not after some dude's doing flips and standing on his head and shooting rockets out of his dick. You know, like the guy. He shot rockets out of his dick. It's amazing. That might be exaggerating. But, you know, there's like, so he would bomb. He would have like these horrible sets. Right. Until he be exaggerating. But, you know, so he would bomb. He would have, like, these horrible sets until he found his audience.

And then when people knew what to expect, like, from Letterman appearances and what have you, then they knew what to expect, and they would go to see him, and then finally they started, like, doing the opening acts correctly. And that guy had a really hard time, though, because of that. It was so specific, like, the kind of comedy. Like, you could probably go anywhere and you could check the crowd out and go like you could figure you know in your head when something's working what they like and what they don't like well it's you know even depends if someone's there to see gilbert melinda it's not the gilbert melendez he's a fighter that'd be cool what's his name godfrey no no um god damn it who the fuck am i

thinking of fluffy oh gabriel iglesias jesus christ gilbert gabriel gilbert um like gabriel iglesias is like super family friendly very squeaky clean very funny but very like fluffy laughy if i went on and told some dark shit after that or some you know it's i'm not it's not my crowd it's the wrong crowd for me right you know or a group of old people that went to see you know whatever fill in the blank with like a really carrot tops some squeaky clean it's a standing gig that's just you could get the wrong crowd for sure you know there's some crowds that just don't work for you, for your style of humor. But, like, if you were going on a show and it's, like, you,

Anthony Jeselnik and Bill Burr, like, it wouldn't matter, right? Like, that's, like, it's all kind of the same. We've done that 20, 30 times at the Comedy Store. That's totally normal. I think I've actually seen that show. It's probably in my head. Well, the store, you'll have... But, you know, someone might go on and, well, they're

really good at the store, like setting the lineup in a really sort of homogenous way. I did a horrible show there. I rarely do the, some girl, I guess, was trying to put together a show and it was like a- Oh, bring a show? I don't know what it was called. Yeah, they'll do like weeknights in the main room. Is it a weeknight in the main room? Yeah, it was like Monday night in the main room with a show that's never first time.

Ooh. I mean, main room, eight people. You know, it was just bad. It was just absolutely bad. Everything I said bombed. Like, nothing. And I was just going like, how many more minutes? Is the red light?

Could you flick that at me? I mean, it was just, it was bad, but I didn't like, this is not my crowd. They had a show there the other day, and I got there, excuse me, I got there, and the waitresses are like, dude, go to the fucking main room, see this fucking show in the main room. I go, what's going on?

They go, a cult rented out the main room. I go, what? Are you serious? So I went in there, and when I went in there, the show was just ending. The comedy show was just ending. The comedy show was just ending. So some comedian was on stage. I don't know who the comedian was.

And it just wasn't going so well. It was going okay, but it was just very, very strange. And then after the show, they all huddled up around Mother, Mother, this woman that they called Mother, who was the head of the cult. And there's, like, 50 people around her. They're all dressed to the nines, suits and ties, like the nicest dresses. Like everybody's like dressed up

like they're going to an award show, right? And Mother sat around with her back to the stage where they're all facing her, like as if she was on stage. I mean, she might as well have been on stage. And she was talking like, you know, like really like self-help nonsense, sort of fucking cookie cutter Scientology style talking about, you know, our intention.

What we put out into the world is what the world gives us back. If you love yourself, the world loves you like that kind of shit. And they were all like cheering along with her and clapping with her. It was so fucking strange it was so strange but they rented the like how did they even rent them i don't understand what happened i don't know what happened because i got there late you know i got there like as it was ending the last comic was on stage but al madrigal had been on earlier and he was just fucking eating dick up there and i don't and and he apparently goes what the fuck kind of crowd is this like he was saying

it while he was up there because he realized, he looked out and he sees all these people with suits and ties and dresses and they're all fucking super lost. I mean, like really lost, strange people. I'll never forget her sitting there and them gathered around her talking to her, listening to her, hanging on every word she says. Like a bird feeding its babies yeah exactly you know spitting it's all just like just waiting for it hallmark card shit

it was fucking strange really strange yeah well that whole self-help thing you know if you are if you're so inclined you can piece together especially especially today. We're not talking about Anthony Robbins days of 1988 where nobody else was doing it. You had to actually have some really concise thoughts about how to improve yourself. At this point, they're repeating other people. Nobody's come up with something brand spanking new. All you have to do is sort of mine the internet for these things, repackage them, reshape them, and put on a seminar and have all these people together. And there's people that are doing that right now.

You have to have that voice and just that weird, that odd look. Yeah. I watched that documentary, The Source Family. Did you ever see that one? No, I haven't. You've got to see it. It's pretty good. Whitney Cummings was telling me I have to see it.

It's good. Yeah. Because I don't think anybody really heard of it because that guy didn't like do a mass jones you know like right he fucking got on a hang glider in hawaii and said jesus wants me to fly out in the same yeah he didn't make it well maybe that's how jesus wanted him to come to him i was like oh he didn't kill his people he just was like nope i'm getting vibes that i need to go on this hang glider on this cliff. That's a fucked up way to go, hang glider. Oh, my God.

But actually, he survived and then died one or two days later or something like that. Less exciting. But it was fucked up. Better if he just went right to the light. Yeah. I'm sure maybe that's what he was hoping for. Hang gliding seems like a fucking great time but i'm not trying it yeah no i need to like a no i couldn't do that well you have to depend on the wind yeah i don't

like depending on things like that i'm not into depending on wind it seems like uh it does whatever the fuck it wants yeah doesn't want to listen it's weird yeah it's like i tell it no that would be like floating in the water on a boat you you know, sailing around on a boat. And then all of a sudden the boat decides it doesn't want to be buoyant. And that's kind of what you're dealing with, right? And you're like, come on. You're floating in the air depending upon these drafts of winds. Whoops.

See that? Look at that. Fucking reflexes. See that shit? Yeah. Like a cat. Wow. But if, I mean, I think that can

happen, right? The wind just dies off and you just fall around. Sure. It happens a bunch. I grew up on the coast. I mean, shit. I wouldn't go fucking hang gliding. Hell no. But that guy did because he had a sign told him, getting a sign

that I need to hang glide. Well, nothing's more nutty than those wingsuit dudes. I had this dude, Andy Stump, in here who has the world record for wingsuit travel. That shit's insane. What was it? I just watched something on it, and this guy, I mean, they're nuts,

and they'll break, like, every fucking bone. I'm like, I gotta get back out there. I gotta get back out. Yeah, one guy, he hit, like, his foot on the edge of a rock and then just he's going You know who knows how much fuck I did see that everything. Yeah broke all of his shit. He lived got right back on it That's how awesome wingsuit flying is break everything you have to be fucked up They're like you have to have a something's you're wired differently. Mmm, because that's not

We need to be wired differently to try it in the first place, right? Yeah. I mean, who would go, yeah, I've got a flying squirrel suit. You know, this should work out. Dude, it must be so fun, though. I imagine it is fun, but boy, I mean. Have you ever done a hoverboard? You know, those little rollerboard things, those little like a Segway, but it doesn't have a handle.

You know those things that you see the kids do? Yeah. Have you ridden one of those? Yeah, I have. They're fun, right? They are fun, but those kids, it's just like, do teenagers need to be on wheels like that?

I mean, they're just- My little kids have them. I know, but you know when you see like those lazy fucking kids in the mall just walking, and then now they're just, it's so- Well, don't you feel that's one of those things

where the technology comes along before they have rules? Like, remember when people used to be able to smoke those e-cigarettes on planes? Yeah. They'd just be puffing on those blue e-cigarettes like, who's that fucking goofy guy that was doing those? Steven Dwarf. Yes. Yes.

The douchiest ads. Yeah, I see him fucking hawking these things. Take back your freedom, guys. I'm like, dude, I haven't seen you in a movie in 1999. Like, this is what you're doing? Well, you had to. But I love that he was still like, yeah, it's me, Stephen Dorff. Take back your freedom, guys.

Come on, guys. Take back your freedom. There it is. Look. Come on, guys. Yeah. There's just something so non-rebel about sucking on a little robot dick. Yeah. It looks like they're sucking on a little robot dick. A little bit of him up there just... Yeah.

It looks like they're sucking on a home pregnancy test or something. By the way, those things are great before you go on stage. They're like tobacco or nicotine, rather, is a stimulant. And it is actually a good stimulant to take before you go on stage. Really? Yeah. Fires up your brain. Joey Diaz told me about it.

It's like, gets me fired up right before I go on stage. I've seen the other vape pens that have like the... Yeah. Fires up your brain. Joey Diaz told me about it. So it gets me fired up right before I go on stage. I've seen the other vape pens that have like the... Yeah. All those big, giant, fucking, like you're holding onto a lunchbox. No, no, no. The ones that have like the marijuana oils in them. Oh, I have those right here. You want one?

You want one? Try one? What kind do you have? I have all of them. You name it. I have... Do you have the G-Pen? I got one of those.

I have a friend that does... A friend? A friend of mine that does. Marketing? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He helps endorse them.

We have like a fucking stack of them back there, right? Those G-Pens. My friend Bun B from UGK. Oh, shit. Yep. The best ones are the ones that have the oil. That's the one I have. Yeah, that you screw the top on.

That's what I have. You plug them in the USB plug. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, shit. I'll call my doctor who's my friend who USB plug. Yeah. Oh, shit. I'll call my doctor, who's my friend who has them. I got my prescription from a doctor as well. No, I don't even have one, but my friend has one.

So I was like, hey, if you're up and you're going to go get me some. Well, since this is broadcast nationally, you do have one, right? You do have a prescription. You're not taking marijuana illegally, right? I'm totally teasing. I don't even have one. You don't even have to totally teasing with you. I don't even have one. You don't even have to have one? No, I don't even have a vape pen.

I was just teasing. Oh, you're kidding. This is fiction. It was a joke. It was one of my friends has it. Do you fuck with edibles? I was trying to sound cool. Be one of the cool kids?

Yeah, I was trying to be one of the cool kids. Do you mess with edibles? She's nodding. I have in my previous life. Have you had any bad experiences? Yeah. Everybody has. Everybody's had them because you don't know how much.

And it wasn't edibles. It was always the brownies that everybody started with. And I was in college. And I remember it was a costume party. It was around Halloween. So everyone's at the bar in costume. And I couldn't find my sister and roommate because my sister and I went to the same college I was walking in circles because they were dressed like other people and I was like

what a fucking nightmare scenario and then finally they came up to me they're like you walked past us like 30 times and you look all freaked out I was like and it doesn't help I have big eyes too so i'm like just so fucking panicky and jumpy oh god it scared the shit i just went back to my apartment late i was like just make it stop make it stop yeah i was a judge yeah i was a judge of the cannabis cup once i don't even know what that is the cannabis cup is this thing where they judge uh weed and they decide like what's the best is it like one of those beer it's way worse here's the thing you don't have any idea which one is hitting

you better or not you don't know like this is what you know like um like old people have like those monday through sunday pill things yeah and each one you know you pop them open you take it it was that it would give you one of those i had it like with a dried weed in it for like the long just sitting i'm like i'm gonna save this and put it away just this is a nostalgia for the highest i've ever been in my life right so i get there they give everybody that's a judge they asked me to be a judge to give everybody who's a judge one of these little boxes with all these different strains in it and each one has a name and you know blah, blah, blah, blah. And all the names are fun, too.

You're supposed to start smoking it. Yeah. So you start smoking. But you don't know what's getting you high and what's not. You're high as fuck. First of all, we went into this place that they did it. It was this place on Melrose. It was like a head shop.

And in the back of the head shop, they had this big, giant room where all these people were in. And I remember just being just completely blitzed out of my mind by the time I got to Tuesday. You know? I was supposed to go Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I am fucked up, man. And people are handing me cookies, and I'm just eating them. They're handing me candies.

I'm just eating them. People are handing me bags, like those volcano bags. I'm fucking sucking on a volcano bag. I just went as deep as i've ever gone in my life how many days before you came to i was legitimately high for 24 hours like i'm not well like legitimately could you do anything no no no were you just sitting i just i i laid down after it was over i remember thinking i can't even i don't even i can't even form sentences i can't right i didn't know what i was doing i can't even form sentences I can't I didn't

know what I was doing I didn't know this is this is how high I got I got so high that people stopped they stopped looking like people to me and what they started being is like two-dimensional like a cardboard cutout like a movie promo cutout of a person. And then behind that person was like their soul. It was like peeking around the corner, like looking at you. Like they were walking towards you with this like cardboard cutout. Totally normal. And behind them. Sure.

That's how the, that's like the impression that I got from looking at them. There's like a two dimensional outside. And then I could occasionally see glimpses of the real self, like peeking around the corner, looking at me and then hiding behind their persona. Were you just afraid the whole time? I was terrified. Yeah. I was untethered.

Untethered from reality, from life. I was gone. And I remember having this weird conversation with, here's the thing about these marijuana people, especially marijuana. This is, we're talking like, I think I was a judge in 2003 or something like that. 2002 or 2003. It's still in your system from then on. Probably.

Probably still test positive. Right. But the people that were like into it, that were really like involved in the quote unquote cannabis community. It was a small sort of tight knit group that were producing it, selling it and growing it. And they would gather together. So they would use these things as an excuse to kind of get together with everybody and i got in this conversation with this guy who was banking on the cannabis community taking care of him when he was old and that's what he was like concentrating on like it was i was so high i just had to listen i couldn't even talk i was like

and he was saying well the amazing thing is the cannabis community like they're gonna have me they're gonna take care of me the cannabis community would be there for you so right like he has a 401k with him or something right well you know he thought the cannabis community was like the small tight-knit thing and now it's a swarm of humanity right like there is no cannabis community homie it's called life yeah it's people yeah it's just humans right but to him it was like you know like local growers or whatever it was like this local organic community of poor guy so it was such a strange conversation like that was his angle was almost like he was like really into pot because it had given him an identity within this community so he was expressing that to me in this very strange way and i was trying to like wrap my head around like what he

thought was going to happen you know but he kept saying that you know the cannabis community is always going to take care of me the cannabis community i'm like guess what dude the cannabis community is just fucking people right people are just going to take care of you just another stoner dude like hello hello i had a god i had a room uh one of my roommates in college one time just ate a shit ton of pot brownies and she wanted to go to Wendy's for food, of course. And she's like, would you take me to Wendy's? I was like, sure. In my car. And as soon as I go through the drive-thru, Wendy's, can I take your order?

She goes, drive. Just get out of here. Just go. Go. Get out of here. That's when it really hit her, that panicky part. And that person saying welcome to Wendy Wendy's she lost her shit I thought if I don't drive she's gonna jump out of my car like she was really like freaked out oh that's so funny just go just go just drive oh my god just drive

oh it's like yeah no that's not good yeah, eating pot can really fuck with you in a way that nothing else can. Yeah, and it won't go away. There's nothing you can take or do. You have to wait it out. Well, one thing that helps a little bit is coffee. Coffee does help a little bit. But, I mean, if you're so whacked out, you're just like, I just want to sit in a chair and wait this, ride this out. Do you know the difference?

Well, I've talked about this so many times before, people are going to get annoyed. But do you know what happens when you eat it? That there's a different biological process as opposed to smoking it? When you smoke it, your body is reacting to THC, which is the active compound when you smoke it. But when you eat it, it's processed by your liver and it produces something called 11-hydroxy metabolite that's five times more psychoactive than THC. It's insanely powerful. And it's a much more psychedelic drug.

Like you'll have hallucinations, especially if you close your eyes. You can have some really, really intense visualizations. That freaks me out too much. The moment I close my eyes, I'm like, I don't like this. I don't like it. Make it stop. Well, I was on both when i was at the cannabis cup that was what was so fucked up because i had been high from smoking it i don't know yeah i mean that's

horrible throwing it up was great if it's alcohol yeah if you throw up and you drink alcohol yeah you know it gets out of your system and you it helps you sober up quicker but i used to like if i was you know we all do it stupid we don't know how what we can take when we're in college and i would drink until i was like just you know hammered and then i would oh yeah i'll smoke that and then i always would puke that would be the only time i would ever puke was when i did that i'm like yeah i need to learn well it's also because when you smoke you you become hyper aware and your body is aware of the poison inside you in the form of alcohol. And your body's like, what did you do?

Get it out. What did you do? I took a pot. This guy made THC pills. It was this friend of mine. They were like, he figured out how to make pills. And I don't know how he did it, but he made them in these capsules. And you have to,

it has to be, there's something that has to be fat soluble. Like, like when you cook it, like a lot of times they cook it, they use butter and they, they, they melt the marijuana into the butter.

They make it fat soluble. They make your body. I don't know that understand the process, but he figured out how to do it and put it into capsule forms. So he told us, he was like, how much should I take? And he goes, just take one pill. Cause there were little packages of two pills that he gave us.

He goes, just take one. And my friend Eddie Bravo was like, fuck that guy. I'm taking two. So he took two. I listened. I took one. And I was fucking blitzkrieged. And I wound up talking to this guy.

And it was at a jujitsu tournament. And this guy was one of the competitors. And I remember thinking like, wow, this guy's vibe is so crazy. Like he's giving me like when you're really hot. I mean, maybe it was just because I'm that high. Yeah. But he has this like insanely dangerous vibe about him. Turns out he was a rapist.

Turned into a rapist and was on the run and went on the run and... So he went to a jujitsu tournament? No, no, no. He was the jujitsu rapist? He had done some other shit, too. One of the things he had done, he had choked a guy to death and then they revived him. He got in a street fight on a traffic incident.

Was it one of those mayhem or whatever? No, no. I forget his name. No what was it? A machine? A war machine? No, that guy was another one. He was on my podcast, actually, just a couple months before he did that with the girl that he beat the fuck out of. She was here.

Oh, God. That's the worst sounding story I think I've ever... I saw the whole thing on Real Sports. They did a deal on Real Sports on HBO. With her, yeah. Yeah. It was terrible. Jesus, man.

Yeah, that was terrible. That whole thing was a combination of everything. Yeah. All the abuse that he suffered in his life, steroids, his fucking brain damage that he unquestionably has. Yeah. So many of them have brain damage. There's so many fighters.

They have that same shit, the football players. Yeah, they snap. But is it that same? What's it? Yeah, chronic encephalitis yeah well CTE it's just any form of head trauma

over repeated periods of time is going to cause issues but they keep talking about football players and like you can't tell me that like NASCAR drivers

don't have that shit they wreck and have concussions all the time I don't think they wreck that much though they also have those they get concussions

but it just takes a little, like once you've had one concussion, it's easier to get another. A lot of those drivers have had multiple concussions. That's interesting. I never really thought about that. I would think about different people. Like hockey.

Yeah, sure. But it always seems to go to just football, but you're like, no. I mean, I know plenty. I like car racing, but like a lot of the open wheel you know even if they have just a barely a wreck but it's still their head you know they have all the head and neck restraints on but you hit the side of a wall your brain squashing around yeah yeah and you've already had three concussions maybe in the past so with all the

connective tissue the connective tissue that holds your brain inside your skull that stuff tears and when it tears it doesn't come back yeah yeah and i don't i it's not resilient it's like it's done it's torn that's it um i've i didn't know like what that stuff was like like what is the connective tissue like until uh i butchered a moose once and uh yeah let's go right here and when we're lifting up the leg and cutting the connective tissue it's like almost like this like candy like like uh what's that stuff called cotton candy fibers looking stuff that it's like it's so soft it just cuts right through it's like i'm like this is like similar to the stuff that holds your brain in your head and you can imagine over repeated

traumatic impacts like over and over again that stuff would just start tearing and breaking loose and then once it's torn like you're fucked like your head's just rattling around yeah yeah scary well i have a friend of mine a good friend of mine who's an expert in traumatic brain injuries he's a doctor and he treats a lot of soldiers football players the like and he said that you can a concussion, a severe concussion from getting hit in the chest. Like a lot of football players, they didn't even get head impact. They get hit in the chest. But getting hit in the chest snaps your head back and your brain rattles around inside your head.

And it gives you a massive concussion. And the ignorant people that didn't know any better, ignorant as far as they didn't have the information, they would say, oh, he didn't even get hit in the head. He's fine. Yeah. But no, like just getting hit in the chest. Like if someone kicks you in the chest, you can get a concussion. Yeah. I hope nobody ever kicks me in the chest, though.

I hope nobody kicks you in the chest, too. That would suck. I would not be a fan of that. That would suck. That would suck. But if they did, like your brain gets fucked up. Have you ever had a concussion? Oh, yeah, I'm sure. You're sure, but you don't know, like, your brain gets fucked up. Have you ever had a concussion? Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

You're sure, but you don't know, like, for a fact that you had a concussion? Well, I used to kick box. Well, yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Like, did you ever have where you were at the hospital and they said you had a concussion? No, no, no. But I definitely had headaches and got punched in the head a bunch of times. I've been hit in the head a gang of times. So I'm just definitely.

And here's the thing about concussions and traumatic brain injury. Like people think that it's just a concussion. You are concussed and, you know, define concussion. You know, oh, your pupils are dilated. You got hit in the head. No, you like small impacts, repeated sub-concussive impacts. Sometimes they have the most devastating effect.

Like soccer players oftentimes develop the same sort of symptoms from hitting a ball, just a ball, just bouncing a ball over your head. No concussion. I would have – I've never had a concussion, but I assume that I've done damage from surfing or wakeboarding. Oh, yeah. A lot of wipeouts. It would take you a minute. Yeah. A lot of wipeouts.

Like, you know, you would, you know, it would take you a minute. Like, you really wipe out and you're just, like, laying there, like, take a deep breath. Like, okay, I'm going to sit the next few. Well, this guy, Dr. Mark Gordon, was saying that you can get it from wakeboarding or, I'm not sorry, jet skiing. Yeah. Just hitting weights. Because it's jarring. Exactly. Yeah, it really, like, when you hit, if you're, you know, every time I'd be out on the boat or something, you go into a wave and that kind of, like, boom.

Yeah, it's, you do it enough. Fuck, you get off the boat and you're just, like, kind of. Loopy. You can feel a little rattled, yeah. Exactly. Yeah. That shit's bad for you. No, not good.

Not good. Not good. I would imagine ski jumping. Boom. Oh, yeah, like all those fucking downhill skiers, like the ones in the Olympics and shit. Oh yeah. They wipe the fuck out. Oh, they fucking wipe out. The snowboarder dudes do.

Oh, they wipe out hard. My friend got knocked out recently fucking snowboarding. He did something, woke up on his back. Oh really? Has no idea what the fuck he did. Just woke up. He was fucked up for a while. And this is like his second or third time going out like that, too.

Like falling snowboard. He loves snowboarding, though. But Jesus, like at some point, he'd go like, I like walking and breathing. Being a living on my own. Remembering where I live. Right. Not having somebody like, you know, take me to the bathroom. Well, for football players, you've seen those.

If you've seen the Real Sports episode, NFL players from the 70s and 80s that are just jacked. Well, the one I saw that was a PBS front line that was about those, the concussions and everything. And it was, I mean, the guys just, they're not the same person. They're just fucked. I mean, they've just done a number on their bodies, and you don't bounce back after so many. No. I'm just hoping that one day they're going to figure out how to inject stem cells into your brain or something like that to reinvigorate it. But as of right now, they really can't do much. Are you a football fan?

Not really, no. But, like, growing up, okay, so, you know, you think about, you'd see a big hit. It would make this, you know, wide world of sports real or some shit like that. And you're like, oh, you want to watch it again? It's just insane. And everyone's like, yeah. And they're fucking, and now I see it and I'm like, yeah, that guy that just shaved about 10 years off. You know, like, and he's probably lost however many, you know, lost whatever function of his brain that they say is your emotions and your decision making.

And that's why a lot of those guys will shoot their girlfriend, kill themselves. Yeah. Are we going to show one, Jamie? Oh. Oh! Oh! And then you can always tell. Oh, my God.

Is this recent, Jamie? Yeah, this was two weeks ago. You can tell the knockout when the hands stay up. Oh, yeah. You know? Believe me, I know. I've probably seen more people get knocked unconscious in real life than... I would really, without any reservation, say that I've seen more people get knocked out than 0.111% of the population.

I'm like, in the smallest group of people, there's maybe 100 or 200 people on the planet that have seen more people get knocked out than me. Maybe. I've seen people get knocked out, not to that extent, but because of my sports producer. I used to have to actually go to all the games, so I'd be on the sideline. So I saw it right there up close, and it is—I mean, you just see it coming. You can see the guy coming. You can see his head turned the other way, has no idea what's—

and then the moment he just lays down, those arms just— Oh, yeah. They just stay up, and you're like, fuck. Well, because of doing commentary for the UFC, I mean, literally, I've seen more knockouts than way more than 99% of the population. It's probably like 99.9999. There might be 20 people on earth that have seen more people get knocked out than me. It might really be that low. Yeah, because how long have you been doing that?

I started doing the commentary from 97, and I started it again. I did it from 97 to 98, and then I quit, and then came back in 2002 with the new company, and I've been doing it for the last 14 years. Yeah, you've seen a lot of it. But I also was fighting from the time I was 15. So I was 15 to 22 was all kickboxing and martial arts so i saw a lot of people get knocked out in person there and then i saw just fucking ungod called like i don't know man it's way more than a thousand fights it's probably close to 2 000 fights so i've probably seen

five or six hundred people just get shut off. Just blam. Over the course of my life, just bong, clang, stiff arms, legs twitching, toes curled. I've seen that way more than a hundred times. Two hundred, three hundred times. Yeah, it's madness when you really stop and think about it. I mean, it's weird that, like, going from something I would watch and be like, oh, you know, watch it again, to now I'm just going, jeez. Me too. It's sad.

We're getting old. We're not fun anymore. Well, it's just becoming more and more aware. And plus, this new Will Smith movie, Concussions, coming out, where people are starting to— Have you seen it? No, I haven't. Is it out already? Yeah, it came out over Christmas, I think.

I heard it's great. But it didn't do, I don't. Is it out already? Yeah, it came out over Christmas, I think. I heard it's great. But it didn't do, I don't think, what... It should have? Yeah, I read something that there was, like, this long thing of discrepancies. Like, they chose to leave out... It's supposed to be a true story, you know, and they omitted very important facts. Oh, like what? Because of the NFL, of how they treated...

You know, like, there were certain things that I don't know who got behind what and like who kind of maybe strong arm, you know, strong arm them into like doing what? Leave that part out. Right. Put that part in. Or maybe try to avoid lawsuits too. Something like that. But I mean, I used to think when I would hear people like, I mean, I grew up in Texas too. So, you know, football was such a big thing and how there would be people that would say

like, oh, I'd never, I'm not letting my son play football. And you're like, ah, pussy. And I get it now. Like, I don't have kids, but I would, I get it. Like you see the results and these people are just fucked. I get it. Yeah. I, well, I mean, if, boy, if my kids wanted to fight, I would be very conservative about it.

I'd have to really try to get it into their head to understand defense before anything. Right. That's like the most important thing to practice is learning how to avoid being hit and how to. Yeah. I mean, I took karate as a kid and everything, but my dad was like, you never start a fight. He's like, but if somebody ever tried to hurt you, he's like, Jimmymy i just punched him right in the nose and keep doing it until like but defend yourself don't you know don't dance around him and talk you know just and i was like okay well avoiding fights is always smart i don't want to get in a fight though it's like don't hit me i'd be so

upset in the face why'd you do that well just if you didn't avoid it and you got hurt, like badly hurt. Yeah. And something you could have avoided. Yeah. It feels so stupid. It would haunt you forever. Yeah. That you're the one that started it.

And then, you know, you get the shit kicked out of you. Cooler heads prevail is always like a good thing to focus on. Yeah. I just. It's just. It's sad. Well, it's almost always whatever the fuck it is that people fight over. It's almost always can be worked out most of the time.

Usually it's the people just want to fight. Yeah, or they're drunk. The difference between alcohol and pot, nobody ever fought at the Cannabis Cup. Most fucking people. Could you have even had a fight that day? I think so. I would have just grabbed him and held on. Let's just slow dance for a second. Slow dance and you man just let's talk come on man i don't

know what to talk about but let's talk no fuck the people come out of a bar they're just fucking fired up it is the worst drug when it comes to that the worst horrible the worst drug because it narrows your understanding of the danger that you're involved in. Right. It loosens inhibition, impedes rational thinking. And it's always somebody that's so fucking hammered. Oh, yeah. But they can't even put one foot in front of the other. But in their mind, they're seeing something completely different. Yeah.

And they always end up getting the shit knocked out of them. I've seen it a bunch of times. It's horrible. No, it's— Seeing street fights is always so strange, too, because sometimes you see street fights with people that are so confident and they literally have no idea how to fight. And you're like, why are you so confident?

What are you doing? Maybe they beat up somebody that was really scrawny once, and they're like, yeah. It's going to happen again right now. Get that good feeling. Look at that big, giant bouncer. I got this. Get that good feeling.

Look at that big, giant bouncer. I got this. You know, just. I always want to, like, have you ever met someone that, like, they become a different person when they get drunk? Like, they drink and then, like, a switch goes off. They're not there. Like, hey, where'd Jenny go? Where's Jenny?

Is Jenny in there? And those eyes are just like. They get gerbil eyes. Yeah. Hamster eyes. And then you say something. And it's usually the people that get mad real easily. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, we were just having fun.

You fucking bitch. You fucked this shit. You fucked this. What if the fucking bartender's looking at me? Yeah, because your drink's empty. What the hell happened to you? Where'd you go? It's kind of amazing that so few fights do take place when you think about how much alcohol is available and how many people drink.

It's kind of amazing when you go out and you don't see a fight which is more often than not right it depends on where you're at i think like yeah when i was in austin so you go on sixth street that's a good place to see fights yeah like it was it would be weird to not see a fight on sixth street but then if you go to a place it's like a nicer, you know, okay, these are adults instead of a bunch of just, you know, college kids that are ripped. Yeah. You don't see as many,

but. That's true. I saw a lot in Austin. That was pretty, pretty common. Well, 6th Street, you got college towns

and then you got Texas people and then you got booze and you throw it all together. Mm-hmm. A lot of fucking yeehaw. That's a great town though. I love Austin. Great town. That was a great town, though. I love Boston. Great town.

That was a good town. Getting choked up with people, though, these days. Everybody wants to live there now. Why is that? I don't know. It's the coolest shit to do. It's a nice place, though. It's fun.

It's a good atmosphere. It's not... I think it's laid back. That helps. The traffic there is insane now. Yeah, that's... It started becoming, like, just... Yeah, it sucks.

...overwhelming. Their infrastructure can't really handle it because it's not designed for that many people and and everything's consistently under construction That'll never get that you know it's just like Everything there's just you know the all the that's gonna be a new building That's gonna be it okay, so we had to close that straight off and that straight off traffic's now worse yeah So we had to close that street off and that street off. Traffic's now worse. Yeah. It's a problem.

Yeah, but it is a very unique city in Texas, too, because it's got its own vibe to it as opposed to like. Yeah, I mean, it is the capital. But it's got its own vibe to it that's different than any other Texas city. It's so liberal and open minded and it's weird. Yeah. I mean, I think that like I worked downtown and like where the office, where our station was, was like right there next to the Capitol. So it was kind of cool. It was in Congress and you could walk around. It was, you know, I didn't live very far. I mean, I was still young, so I had a little cool dope ass, a little high rise, you know, like it was fun. But

I feel like every time I go back it's just thousands more people oh yeah well there's some nutty number of people move there every day yeah it's like a thousand people move there every day or something like that something insane yeah it's something really ridiculous and it is sprawling because you can go out towards the lakes and all you know like all those kind of houses how many people move to Austin every day Google that I bet there's there's a statistic. But yeah, by the lake. Well, the lakes, there used to be two lakes, right? Lake Austin and Lake Travis.

And Lake Travis had fucking become nothing. Well, there was Town Lake. And then, yeah. Lake Travis is now like just speed boats. But it filled up again. It was down to nothing. And then it rained so hard, it filled back up again. That was pretty fucked up.

Because nobody could even get in the water due to like the bacteria it's only 110 150 that's it that's nothing oh when 40 people move out oh so two years ago how much much difference did it that doesn't seem like a lot, though. Because 150 people move in and 40 people move out. So it's 110 net. That doesn't seem that bad. But it is over the course of years, right? Yeah. Oh, well. So much for my fucking outrageous hyperbole.

It's a thousand people a week, kind of, almost. Yeah, it is. Almost. Almost. Close. Yeah. It's enough that sucks.'s a thousand people a week kind of almost. Yeah, it is. Almost. That's a lot. Almost. Close. Yeah. It's enough that sucks.

360,000 people a year. No, week. 52. 52 weeks. What am I doing? Here's my shitty math again. Boy, fucking relying on calculators. Oh, man.

I have to rely on calculators. So we're almost out of time. Jenny Johnson, high five. Where can people see you do stand-up next? When are you performing next? Where am I performing next? I believe, I don't know that I have anything this week.

Maybe next week. Maybe next week? Yeah, probably. Do you put it up on your Twitter and let people know? I do it on my Twitter and on my gram, on my Instagram. Cool. I'll let people know. Please do. I will. people know. Please do.

I will. All right. Jenny Johnson, high five on both. Thank you for having me on. Oh, by the way, my cousin, Andy Nix, he's a Marine, major, flies C-130s, big fan of yours. What's up, Andy? Thank you, Andy. I told him I would tell you that.

All right. Well, you did. Well, thanks. This was fun. Appreciate it. It was fun. Let's do it again. We'll be sponsored by Claritin D. We'll do it again when it's not raining. Well, thanks. This was fun. Appreciate it. Let's do it again. We'll be sponsored by Claritin D.

We'll do it again when it's not raining. Yeah, perfect. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Jenny Johnson, ladies and gentlemen. All right.

That was fun. That was.