The Joe Rogan Experience - #751 - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

Doug Stanhope is a stand-up comedian, writer, and TV host, also currently hosting his own podcast, The Doug Stanhope Shotclog Podcast. http://podcasts.joerogan.net

I won't take them unless I can actually sell it. But having to sell it more than once, which doesn't happen. Well, you have Squarespace now. I think we're live, right? We're live? All right. I like that one because it's real. Like, there's no disputing.

It's a really good product. Yeah, but Chaley does my website and uses Squarespace, so he can actually tell the shit that it does. Well, Red Band's made, like, no bullshit, like a dozen or more websites during the time in which it took to do a Squarespace commercial. He would just slap together a bunch of pictures,

call it Ari's Butthole, and put it up online in, like, 30 seconds, and I'm not bullshitting. It's that easy. Ari's Butthole. Yeah, we made... What was the one that he made? Some gay one with Ari?

Do you remember, Jamie? There was Bert Squirts or something. Bert Squirts was one of them. But there was something about Ari's legs or something, something sexual. Ari Shafir's legs, because he had his feet on the table or some shit like that. Something like that, right? I'm going to look it up. Okay, so it probably doesn't exist anymore.

Maybe some fan picked it up in homage. But it's a legit sponsor, right? you can't argue with it some of them they get sketchy yeah uh there's a couple i turned down some luxurious sheets oh god yeah and i have no idea what it was but i do buy nice sheets because i sleep a lot yeah so they go they're gonna send you a free set of these luxurious sheets and I go, these are $300 sheets that are shittier than the $59 ones I bought from some triple A

promotion on an email spam blast. I'm like, I'm not promoting that. Money's not that good. Well, we had this one called Lumosity. Have you heard of that one? It's like brain games and they're actually kind of cool. They're fun to play. They're stimulating.

Games are good for you. If you play chess, chess is good for the brain. It's good for the brain to try to solve puzzles. It's like an exercise. That's undeniable. I guess someone had fucked up and made some outlandish claims like it helps early onset Alzheimer's

disease and fucking memory loss and a lot of like, I don't know who said what, I don't know what happened, but they lost millions of dollars in court, so they must have said some stupid shit. They were one of our sponsors. And while we were doing it, people were like, Asbestos is one of my sponsors and that really went sideways.

You got in late. You were a late adopter. Yeah, they were, it's just, it's not a bad product like it's it's it's good they're fun it's fun to play they're stimulating little games but i guess they don't you know make you smarter or fix your fucking brain my problem is i would promote shit that's not my sponsor just because i liked it right because i had to go to break so just make up a fucking stuff. Stuff you like? Or stuff I didn't even like.

I would just pick random things out of it. All right, let's say Bangor, Maine, wedding attire. And just Google some shop and then do a whole really dumb, hey, you're getting married on Tuesday. Wow, where is your wife going to get a wedding dress on short notice? And do the actual company without their knowledge or consent and just do a really bad commercial just for fun. That's a good move. That's a real good move.

Yeah, but the things that I actually like, I bet on betonline.ag. That's where I do my sports betting. But I promote them all the time. How am I going to get a deal if I'm promoting them for free anyway? I keep telling you that. What'll happen is... That's Brian Hennigan, my filthy, uncut Scotsman manager sitting in,

who tells me, don't say anything for free. Brian, that's always a good move. Don't say nothing for free, dude. You're often on this podcast. Very enjoyable. We'll listen to you guys together. The podcast is pretty badass. I enjoy it.

It's so loose. It's one of my favorites because it has no beginning. It's just the conversations in mid-stride. Is it on? I don't know if it's fucking on. Is this thing moving? Okay. It's my open mic.

I don't have comedy there so i do a podcast as open mic just to keep in the mode of talking in an entertainment arena and you're cross-training yes basically it is right i mean in kind of in a way what's a de facto open mic where otherwise i'd just be watching fucking Netflix all the time so I have to at least do something artistically, creatively. Fuck, we haven't put out a podcast. We need two a week.

We try to hit... How many people does Bisbee have? Just over 5,000. Do you think that it's possible that you could sustain a small comedy club, a small local comedy club? We were kind of talking about this the other night at the comedy store. I think if you put together a small comedy club, like 150 seats or so, you could fill that. Even though it's a weird place and it's in the middle of nowhere, you could make it like a destination thing.

Guys like me would do it. I would do it for sure. Problem is, and I make jokes about it, but the main source of income in Bisbee is permanent disability or handyman. Really? So no one charges. I filmed my last special there, and the fact that I was charging money at all was reprehensible to a lot of the the town really fortunately it sold out with out-of-towners within under an hour probably a better move that way right yeah a lot of people in a

small town they like I'm a rich guy there again it's a destination at the weekend meaning it's the same As every comedy club On the planet It only makes money At the weekends It could And it could do You could do that

Because you're only like How far from Tucson? An hour and a half Yeah see that's not much Two hours from actual Tucson But that's a fun Not if Joe's driving That's a fun trek

Like that would be a fun trek You know you're flying to Tucson Fuck yeah we're gonna go To fucking Stanhope Comedy Club And then you take a drive you rent a car You're uber if you're baller you stay at two shady dell.com. Oh, yeah, please Yeah, well no that that's a friend of mine's that vintage trailer park. It's I look for reasons to stay there Hey, let's fumigate the house so we have a reason to stay at the shady dell 1950s Airstream trailers.

Oh, like those silver cool looking ones? Done to the T's. Oh, really? Yeah, but everything inside, old records with old record players, silverware and cups. Oh, wow. All 1950s. They've got a tiki bus. Wow.

You could just go back and, you could role play. Hennegan got married there on a, they have a 38 foot yacht that you can stay on. Just landlocked? Yeah. A landlocked? Yeah. A landlocked yacht? Dry docked or however you say it. Look how well that marriage went. Hey, citizen.

I don't want to insinuate that any crime took place on this podcast, so let's change the subject rapidly. And that's fucking... How ridiculous is that, that all you have to do to become a citizen is you gotta get a person in that country

to sign some papers saying you guys are together yeah like we'll let you in we'll let you in but you gotta be in love I gotta know this is real like the fact that

they'll fucking investigate like they don't believe it I would gay marry someone to get them in the country just for the ten minutes of material well we were gonna gay marry someone to get them in the country just for the 10 minutes of material. Well, we were going to gay marry each other on The Man Show. Last episode of The Man Show.

Yeah, just to save each other's money. Right before it was officially canceled, I remember I was in the Atlanta Punchline parking lot drunk, and I called Zoe Friedman. I go, I know this show is going to get canceled, but please. It was just when Massachusetts had legalized gay marriage. I think it was New Hampshire. Was it? I feel like it was New Hampshire.

It was big news, and I go, just let the last episode be me and Joe getting gay married, and then show how perfect a marriage that would be. We don't fight over the remote control. You want to go bowling, I want to go fishing. There's no problem. Yeah, we explain how awesome the gay lifestyle really would be. over the remote control. You want to go bowling. I want to go fishing. There's no problem. Yeah. We explain how awesome the gay lifestyle really would be. Other than the gay parts.

Yeah. Other than all the butt fucking and dick sucking. It seems like a great time. Well, you do that before you get married. Yeah, I guess. Just get it out of the way. Every fucking sitcom with a married hetero couple is uh i want you wanna fuck i don't wanna fuck well what's fascinating to me is the reinvigoration

of manhood that i witness in men that are in their 40s that get divorced like, like, I'm fucking alive again. You know, don't you notice? The saddest part is it's men or women, but I noticed the women who just, they had kids when they were 18 and they married some fucking dentist. And now they're pushing 40 and the kids in college and they get divorced and they're going to go out on the town and we're going to have fun tonight.

And they just stand out. Like they're trying to dance when no one else is dancing on the dance floor. And yeah, it's, it's sad. It's odd. It's way different. They go right back to,

you know, when they graduated college, but now they're 41. But isn't it, it's fascinating because like as a human being, right, you're supposed to be living in the moment. You're supposed to be enjoying the moment. You are alive. Is it just the inevitable doom

of the clock ticking in the background that makes it so sad? Is that what it is? It's every morning for me. I do not wake up a morning without thinking about how much time do I have left? When will I die? It stinks. The great demise.

But I've been doing that since my early mid-30s. Wow. Well, if you think about it, it becomes inevitable. I mean, that becomes something that you have to throw. Well, you also have everyone bashing your lifestyle. Because there was an era, the Sam Kinison era. Probably a bad example. Well, he died in a drunk driving accident.

He wasn't even drunk. Yeah, he was sober. But where that was acceptable. And then it became unacceptable. So I can name me and Ron White as the two comics of any tenure that still actually drink heavily and smoke cigarettes. He smokes cigars, whatever. Dom O'Rara drinks pretty heavily. Does he?

Yeah. He's pretty open about it. He drinks pretty much every night. Right. Yeah. But he's not known for it. Well, he doesn't bring it up a lot. He doesn't walk out on stage with three drinks under his arm like

neil hamburger right but for real no he'll go up there with a drink or so but tom arreara is he's such a great guy i just saw him last week or two weeks ago he's the salt of the earth that guy that expression it's no more true than that guy he's just so sweet he's such a lovable guy every time i see him i just can't wait to to hug him. We were on a cruise ship. I was just a passenger. It was the Impractical Jokers, which I fucking love their shows so much. They put on a fan cruise, and I found it. And I go, bingo.

Who are they? Who's the Impractical Jokers? Yeah, it was two weeks ago. Who are they? It's on TruTV, one of the worst networks out there. Oh, that's a crazy prank show. Yeah, they're old friends, and they do pranks like you would do with your buddies. It's not like fucking Ashton Kutcher on Punk'd.

They just dare each other to do shit. Shots fired. The thing is, when you explain it, Doug, it doesn't... Yeah, there you go. I'm the first to say it. Ashton Kutcher, the guy you haven't heard about in eight years is a douche But when you explain

Explaining the true TV and practical jokers is kind of It doesn't sound that funny, but when you see it it's fantastic I was going to say, for the record, I met Ashton Kutcher He was very nice But the show sucked, and I love hidden camera. He was a very nice guy.

I worked with him on that CBS hidden camera thing. I mean, I only got to talk to him once, but he was very friendly. He's totally normal. This valet driver, he's a fake. And what idiot would just hand their keys to anybody? Well, anyone who goes to a valet would. Just a smarmy tone. Douche, he's a douche.

Anyway. He, Ahmed Ahmed, almost got in a fist fight with Travis Barker. Apparently. Ahmed Ahmed, they were doing this prank on Punk'd where Ahmed Ahmed was telling me the story. He got to get, like, in Travis Barker's face. Who's Travis Barker? The guy from Blink-182, the drummer covering tattoos, right? He's from Blink-182, right?

Really nice guy. Really cool guy. Amazing drummer. And just an interesting cat all around. But I guess he just doesn't take any shit from people. And Ahmed Ahmed, like, is a big guy. Like, Ahmed Ahmed's, you know, 200 plus pounds, probably six foot one or something like that. He's a pretty big guy.

Except for the intimidating part. He's not intimidating? No. You wouldn't be scared of Ahmed Ahmed if you didn't know him? No, not if he didn't have a suicide vest on. May I be the first to say, how dare you? How dare you? I stole that from you.

That's part of my regular nomenclatures. How dare you? So Joe Rogan. It's not even mine. I mean, that's just, it's out there. I don't know who. Hello, nice lady. Hi, nice lady.

I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh. Oh, hi, nice lady. Hi, nice lady. I know I stole that from Brendan Walsh. Oh, hi, nice lady is nice. Hey, nice lady. I use that all the time. Hey, nice lady is a good one. It's like so fucking pejorative, but not. It's like insulting and picky. Yeah, it's when you don't remember a name,

but instead of saying, hey, baby, hey, good luck. Nice lady you can get away with. Hey, nice lady. I actually asked him once Did I steal that from you? You don't know That's a good one Is it Brennan's?

Walsh always said it Maybe it says Sometimes you just meet a funny guy That fucking works in the kitchen And he has great lines And you forget where you got him from And all of a sudden you're all going Hey now or hey there

Please hold I use all the time And I stole that from Captain Rowdy's wife where you got them from and then all of a sudden you're like you're all going hey now or you know hey there or you know whatever this one guy does. Please hold. I use all the time and I stole that from Captain Rowdy's wife. Miss Kimmy is a comic, old comic Captain Rowdy and she'd answer the phone and it'd be for Rowdy and she'd go please hold. I've fucking used that ever since.

That's hilarious. Please hold. Eddie Bravo had these prescription pharmaceutical companies calling him up. Apparently, he had used his money, or used his number, rather, on a credit card order and bought some pharmaceutical drugs. So they would just randomly call him. They gave out his number. So he would just be fucking sitting around, and they would call him and ask him if he wants to buy various drugs. They sell them to you from Canada.

This was back when they could do that. So Eddie Bravo would put the phone down. Yeah. He would walk away. Get Xanax from Canada. He would walk away for five minutes. I'll be right back. I just got to find my thing.

It's just like, I know I got my money here somewhere. Hold on a second. Yeah, I'm definitely buying some stuff. And he would put the phone down. In the industry, that's called a stroker. I'm from the old telemarketing days a stroker someone who would just purposely keep you on the phone and fuck with you for as long as they could which is actually a good move well we were fucking defrauding people yeah so you can't hold it against them no it's fun if you get that's a

smart one you got a smart one you got one that didn't fall into the hive. I hate bounty hunters just because they're cocks. But, I mean, you have a point. A stroker has a point. Yeah, a stroker has a point, for sure. Random phone calls, like especially the unsolicited phone calls, fuck them. It's all, you know, it's no rules. I just get the fucking robots now. And what I get now, I don't know if anyone else gets this,

they mimic your own phone number. So it will have my same area code and prefix and then just screw up the last four numbers a little bit. So I assume the psychology is you recognize that phone number and then answer it and then you go, oh, fuck, that's my phone number, and now you're listening to a bot call. Do you want to extend your warranty?

You have a limited time. How many people actually buy into those? I mean, it has to be worthwhile, otherwise they wouldn't just keep doing it. It's a number scheme. It's a robot. It's a fucking computer. So if you could just hit a program

and then go off to you know whatever you do selling shoes well some people are just really fucking lonely too that's some one thing to take into consideration my grandfather before he died my grandmother died and then my it was one of those classic stories where my grandmother dies then my grandfather dies a year later just just didn't want to live but in that year that you didn't visit he got lonely i would take all around here man but in that uh in that year um he got addicted to buying things from catalogs like you'd buy like he was he was he was getting cancer was he in his 40s too because no i mean just like he was buying things they would call him up and they would like offer him like

Catalogs and stuff like that and he would you know who get the catalogs? He would order things from the catalogs and it became like a problem like you just he just would get it Just like his wife was gone. Yeah, you know his wife was there his whole life So it's like you don't have anybody to talk to like I think part of you Just goes insane like part of you blows a fuse. The normal input's just not there. Usually it's you and the wife, you and the husband, you and the, you know. And then it's gone, and then where's that thing that's part of my life?

It's like a part of you dies. And then they really do just want to die. And that's how they go. It's fucking crazy. But how do you correlate that to shopping? This is my beef with fucking hoarders is hoarders will do a montage like intervention does like well then her husband left for another woman and then she started you know stocking the basement full of dollar store shit you don't know

that that that the cause and effect there's no scientific you're it's like intervention hey tell me one bad thing that ever happened to you and we'll do a montage about that and that's why you're a fucking crack addict there's no there's no scientific proof that's why you're a crack addict but they try to pin it on something there's plenty of people who had great childhoods that are fucking crack addicts but they need to have some reason it's just like chicks with fucking self help books

all over their shelf well I think it's not an either or thing I think that's part of it there's a lot of people that have drug addictions because of abuse I think we all know them there's a lot of people that get involved in drug addiction because they were abused as a child. And whatever fuse blew, they're like constantly trying to put out that fire, right?

There's that. But then there's also people that they just fucking can't do it. They just can't drink or they can't do drugs. They just can't. They do it and then they get shark eyes and they're fucking gone. They're just off to the races and we've all we've all met people yes i know sean rouse is what you're saying but i'm saying eddie bravo eddie bravo's figured out how to pull in though my point is maybe your

grandpa just like to buy shit out of catalogs because he's bored like i'm gonna die soon let me just buy some shit and jack up my credit card because i'm not going to be around to pay this bill once the family investigated that wasn't the case but i could understand why you would think that i'm not saying your grandpa specifically but he was people correlate yeah he was so old country though he was born in italy he was as old country as you get grew up on up on a farm. Taught me how to break a rabbit's neck. How you kill a rabbit. He grew up in a place where there were no catalogs. And I'm like, wow.

Before I die, I better take advantage of all these newfangled ways. It's like magic. It was always the big thing that my grandfather worked in a factory that made a part for the atomic bomb. Wow. It was like one of those things that the whole family would talk about.

Grandpa worked in a factory that made a part for the A-bomb. We're like, whoa, whoa. It was like sort of a badge of pride in some sort of weird fucking way. I don't even know if it was true. That's why he drank, because he knew he killed all those people in Nagasaki. He didn't even drink. That's a guy with no conscience. He was a great guy.

My grandfather was one of the nicest guys of all time. He was like, even for back then, it's a hard time, you know? He was not a hard man at all. He was the nicest guy. When someone dies, people say, and he was such a sweet man and a nice man. And my dad, even to this day, when I was writing this book about my mother, oh, your father was the sweetest person ever.

He really was. And I couldn't even say that about my mother. She was a real cunt towards the end. She was a fucking bitter, spiteful, needy... At the end. At the beginning, she was just someone who had a kid too young. I met her like three quarters in, and she was great. Well, that's because she was on the show.

I actually went back writing that book, because my memory's shit, and I watched the episode with my mom and your mom. It's somewhere out there on some Vimeo or some shit. That's right. That's right. I forgot about that. Yeah.

And there's a lot of things in the book that sound like bullshit. And it just sounds like I got laid for the first time when I was nine years old, before you could come. That sounds awesome. But that's on that episode where the episode was me and you and they uh we had cards okay which one of us we had embarrassing things from our childhood and our mothers were on like jeopardy style and uh okay which one of us did this and mine was who lost his virginity in third grade in a church?

And bang, my mom slaps the button. That's my boy. That was the name of the game. That's my boy. And she, I'm like, you're verifying everything in this book that sounds like bullshit on tape. Thank you.

Because a lot of stuff. Do you ever have stories that you will only tell if there's someone in the room to verify because otherwise you sound like a liar? Yeah, it sounds crazy. Yeah, she verified five different stories that are in the book. Well, you remember when we had your mom review porn?

Yeah. She was fucking great at it. She was great. She would watch these DVDs and review them. It was really funny. It was humorous. Like, it was really funny. It was humorous. Like, it was really funny. She was good.

She was good. So I saw her at her best. That's when I knew your mom. That's when she started drinking again, was right after the man show. Oh, no, really? She had been, like, 22 years sober. Oh, man. She was sneaking.

She'd be drinking cough syrup because she's a lifelong menthol smoker. So she always had a cough. So anytime you went to that filthy apartment, she had a little shot glass of cough syrup. So she was kind of like weaning her way back into drinking but using the fucking dollar store Robitussin. I remember talking about it on my first CD what year 2001

probably see yeah I think back then you could get the real shit I had she wouldn't get real shit she was a dollar store freak no but I mean like NyQuil

like NyQuil would fuck you up back then there was a comic that used to get one of the guys who worked at Rascals in then. There was a comic that used to get one of the guys who worked at Rascals in

West Orange. There was a comic that used to get one of the guys who worked there to go buy him bottles of NyQuil. He would just drink bottles of fucking NyQuil. When my brother was in the Marine Corps in Okinawa there was a whole bunch of them. They called

themselves the Robo Raiders. Jesus Christ. Because they would drink Robitussin until they hallucinated. Oh, my God. I can't fucking listen to this. The regular NyQuil, I think, had codeine in it, didn't it, Jamie? Yeah, it did. You could get so fucked up, like, in an amazing way.

I, uh, I got sick. Did you do it? Yeah, I got sick once. Yeah. Well, I've had two morphine experiences. One of them was in the hospital after I had a knee surgery. They gave me this thing that you could press. Yeah.

And you could press it. Every time you press it, you get more morphine. And I was like, oh, well, let's fucking see what happens. Ding, ding, ding, ding. High score. I'm like, oh, well, let's fucking see what happens. High score. I'm like, I am in agony. They drilled some shit into my knee and replaced a ligament and cut one and took out bone and screwed it together. It's fucking agony.

So I'm just like, oh, bam, bam, bam. And it just took me to this amazing place of bliss. I'm like, well, no wonder why that shit's hard to get. No wonder why it's illegal. And then the next time, I never would take medicine, but I got a bad cold, and I just needed to sleep. And I couldn't sleep, so I took some NyQuil. And it was amazing.

It was the same feeling that I had when I had surgery. It's like the NyQuil just took me to this beautiful, like I fell back into the most amazing down pillow just of love. I know people that are jacked on Vicodin. What's that? Percocet? It's an opiate. Yeah.

Where I've taken Vicodin, it did nothing. Even when I had one surgery in my adult life, it was an umbilical hernia, and they gave it to me as a painkiller, and I didn't feel any pain, but I didn't feel any high. I'm like, maybe this just doesn't hurt. Well, I had a buddy that got into Vicodin for writing. He would write on it. He would take Vicodin and write music.

That was his thing. He loved to crush up Vicodins. And then he would take it and I don't know how he would do it. He would snort it or he would just swallow them. But he would say that his music could become very creative. And he would do that. I can't write on anything but fear. Seriously.

I write sober and afraid. I'll write some shit down when I'm drunk ideas, and then sober me will have to go back and clean them up. At best, I can remember the premise, and now I have to make this good. But there's drugs that are good for stage, cocaine, which I'm not a regular user of, but I've had shows where I'm just tired of saying this shit and do a bump before a stage.

It's great for stage. But for writing, nothing other than fear and coffee. Joey Diaz says that coke was terrible for him for the stage. Joey said that coke would make him lock up. It would make him feel evil and make him feel greedy. It would take him lock up. It would make him feel evil and make him feel greedy. He goes, it would take out the love. The amount of coke Joey Diaz was probably doing is different than a small Bic cap bump that I would do like a 48-hour energy drink. Do you remember that time we did Mushrooms the day of the war and uh we took

this is i've never had cocaine but i did have this fucking coca leaves tea from jan irvin he had this mate de coco tea it was tea that was made out of coca leaves and you would uh you would drink it and i just couldn't shut the fuck up remember Remember? No, I've heard your podcast. But remember you and I were having this conversation about it? I was like, this is what Coke is like? Oh, my God, this is awful. You've always said you're terrified of trying it because if I like it, I'll go fucking haywire. I think I'm terrified of it because when I grew up, I saw two people that I was pretty close to completely ruin their lives.

One was a really good friend, and. One was a really good friend. And another one was a really good friend's cousin. And I watched their life just go to shit. I've seen the same thing. I saw a couple of fat girls get thin. Do you remember when they had Fen-Phen? Do you remember Fen-Phen? I remember it existing.

What is it? I knew a girl. Diet pill. fen do you remember i remember it existing what is it i knew a girl diet pill is a fucking truck stop speed basically but sold under a different marketing umbrella yeah well it was really fucking bad for you i knew a girl who uh got on it and she went from being unfortunately like plump she was like was her name ellen burstyn in Requiem for a Dream? No, it was a different girl. She was a little plump.

Three people out there got that reference. That was a good movie, though. Requiem for a Dream was the shit. I almost forgot about that movie. She got on the Fen-Phen, lost a ton of weight, looked amazing, but then started feeling really bad. You get fucking heart issues, man.

I mean, you were on, essentially, you were on speed. You were on speed for like a fucking year. And after a while, your heart's like, hey, fuckhead. We need some oil in this engine. We're running about 88,000 fucking RPMs. Jesus Christ. The fuck are we doing today? She looked amazing, though, man.

I mean, she went from being a girl who had this really pretty face that just couldn't get her body in order for whatever reason. Her diet, drinking, a lot of people just booze. Just a story this week on Newser is where I go for my read less, no more, or some dumb shit. Some girl in Wisconsin froze to death leaving a party in a tank top and shorts at six below zero and then security cameras caught her walking like a thousand feet and then just curled up and fucking died oh my god and that's the vanity where a chick will just underdress to be

sexy that's why a chick always wants your coat when she goes I'm going to dress all sexy. And then it's 25 degrees out. Can I wear your coat? No, I brought a coat because I know it's fucking cold outside. How dare you? First of all. This girl was drunk. You've got to think. This girl has friends. How the fuck are our friends? Like listen.

If we're all hanging out and it's fucking six below zero and I go where's Doug? Where the fuck is Doug? Where's Doug? Have you seen Doug? I'm thinking you blacked out when wandering off into the fucking Arctic. I'm going to go outside looking for you. I would immediately.

If we're all hammered, if I knew we were fucked up. So she's leaving a bar and she's fucked up. And her friends don't pay attention. She just curls up on the ground and dies. Where's your fucking friends? There's more to her personal story. eyes like well there's more to her personal story but i'm using that as an extreme example of when you see chicks waiting in line at a bar like chilcoo charlie's in alaska and there's a line around the block at midnight in the winter and it's freezing but they're all dressed up

horrishly and fishnets and whatever because they don't they'd rather be in agony than look bad. Well, there's so much power. If you're a girl with a hot body, and you have fishnets on, and you walk into a bar, and you have black leather shorts, and fishnets, and high heels, and you have a nice ass and great legs, you are a queen. You are a god. And you know what?

If you're a fat girl that can outlast her, you're going to get the same fucking action. It's not the same, Doug. It is. For the lady, it's the same. The girl with the fucking spandex. She gets all the attention. She might get on Instagram and get fucking millions of friends. And Squarespace starts giving her money.

Millions of real, honest friends. Like, salt of the earth, close to me. No, no, no, but enough. It fills the void. Like, it doesn't have to be real. Yeah, what is that void? I don't know. Kardashians made it.

Ugh. I never speak their name. Paris Hilton started that fire, and then she fucking vanished before the bomb went off. She got out. She didn't vanish. She got out. She got fucking... She got out of the game.

Well, it's like... Oh, yeah. Just like old comics. They didn't get out of the game. They got replaced. Yeah, but I think... She got out of the game. Well, it's like... Oh, yeah. Just like old comics. They didn't get out of the game. They got replaced. She was replaced. Yeah, but I think she actually got out of the game. She didn't need the money.

Well, she develops a bunch of business ventures that are extremely successful. Yeah. Like, she makes a fucking ungodly amount of money and decided to, like, lay back. Well, she realized that ego has a horrible byproduct. Yes. Like that fame comes at a price, and the price became too much. Definitely. She didn't need to be seen with her beaver hanging out.

It's probably Britney Spears, but they're all the same. Didn't they all do that, though? I don't know. It was like there was a time where girls were just showing their pussy. It was amazing times. It was like right when social media first started popping those girls were fucking gangster about it they just said listen i'm gonna put a photographer in a place where no fucking photographer would ever be and i'm gonna pretend that that guy just accidentally took

pictures of my pussy because who the fuck lets a guy get on his knees looking up your dress as you get out of a bentley That shit doesn't happen. It's not what happened. They have people. They have security teams that rival the Secret Service to make sure that doesn't happen. Yet it happened to you in the most flattering way on the day you weren't having your period and you shaved your bush. How amazing the luck of that photographer. They always shave their bush.

That's where porn won. Porn just won. If Amy Schumer... Shaved her pussy? Had some kind of paparazzi shot up her... Because this is my Amy Schumer thing. I know you don't want to get into the stealing jokes thing because I don't know.

I'm out of the business. It's a good business to be out but when she started doing yeah like the i'm gonna pose naked when with my three rolls of fat because that's what a woman really is in hollywood it won't touch a person like that right i have a fucking grotesquely hangy ball sack. How bad? And I wouldn't... It's worse than most. Do you remember Joey's from... But he has a huge cock. I have that picture.

He's got a huge dick and ball sack. Yeah, but if you have a huge dick to compensate for the ball sack, then it kind of looks all proportionate. I have a small dick with hangy balls where one hangs way lower than the other and I would never do some kind of Annie Leibovitz fucking photo spread going

you know what, the porn industry doesn't accept people but this is the reality of cock and balls and I'm just going to show it. You know what, no one wants to fucking see it. It bothers me that people who, you just, it's not Hollywood that tells you what's attractive. I think she's funny.

I think Amy Schumer's funny. I actually watched her comedy special and laughed out loud alone on my lonely couch, but I was laughing out loud. She's very funny. She's funny on podcasts. She's really funny laughing out loud. She's very funny. She's funny on podcasts. She's really funny on radio shows. She's very quick. I like her a lot.

Yeah. But it's not just her. I don't have a problem with that at all. You have to accept my body style. I didn't not accept it. I just didn't buy a magazine to see it. Yeah. Well, I get where they're coming from in a way.

Yes. But like everything, there's like there's like places that it goes where I don't agree anymore. And that's one of those things. If she wants to be like, hey, look at my fat, who gives a fuck? High five. Why not? A guy can do it.

Joey can do it. Joey does it all the time. I mean, in one of the pictures that I had for Vegas that Jamie put together, Jamie made this picture. It's Joey from, like, the Joey Karate days when he was, like, at his heaviest. And he had this giant gut. And he's got his shirt off. And he's, like, doing karate moves.

I mean, it's because it's funny. I mean, if I support Joey being funny there, why wouldn't I support Amy? Melissa McCarthy. There's the picture. Look at that fucking picture. Look at him. It's an ad for the MGM Grand. We're there on March 4th.

But he's doing it to be funny as opposed to a woman that's Hollywood overweight trying to say, well, you know what? This can be sexy too. Joey's not doing that to go, this is sexy too. As a fellow comic, I always have to look at it from the perspective of like, all right,

what is she trying to do? Is she trying to be funny or is she trying to say, I don't give a fuck? She's doing one of those things, right? And either one of those things is fine. My opinion of what she's doing is what I hope you fell into that I fell into

when we were at that same age where we both started getting compared to Bill Hicks and getting too much fucking... Hicks pressure? Yes. And you kind of try to live up to it. I think she's so big that she feels like

she is the voice for all females because they're telling her she is and she's probably overcompensating on some level. Well, she's probably overwhelmed by the G-force of fame. I mean, the G-force of fame that she's experienced and experienced it really quickly. Amy was on this show. I get a Z-force of fame and that mean, the G-force of fame that she's experienced and experienced it really quickly.

Like, Amy was on this show... I get a Z-force of fame, and that was enough. Not even two years ago, right? So, less than a year and a half ago, she was nowhere near as famous as she is now. Yeah, she's gonna go to Africa like Chappelle just to get away from this shit in a minute. She's gonna become trans-black.

Does she have... I don't even think she's like 30 is she 30 32 i think she's 32 she's really young man look when i was 32 i was fucking retarded i'm retarded now and i'm 48 but that's when i was 32 i was really fucking stupid fucking hey i was bill hicks best friend and you want to do a video with you like oh shit i have to live up to that yeah well there was always that like you'd get compared to it like this thing like it's like oh my god I can't be myself there was like you didn't want to have your own sense of humor you wanted to live up to this void that was

left behind there was a there's a fucking great Pete you know Jamie from the Atlanta punchline no the guy ran the great guy I ran into at the comic store the other day. I'm sure I do know him, but I have no memory. I guarantee you know him. Did you work Atlanta? Did you ever do the Punchline?

Yeah, yeah. All I remember is bad shows. Fucking one of the all-time best comedy clubs. It was a great club. They just went under. They had a real parking issue. So they're moving

to a new location, but they took apart the old place and saved pieces of the stage and saved pieces of the green room. And the green room had like shitty fake wood paneling. And on that wood, it might actually be wood.

It might be real wood paneling. But anyway, on it, it said quit trying. He says that so he doesn't get sued. No, no, no. Because I'm going to have it here. Yeah. Yeah. There's one piece.

I said, can I please have the piece that says quit trying to be Hicks wow because I took a picture of it and I put it up on the line back when

there was no Instagram they stole that from the Austin green room I don't think they did I think this was it was an old fucking club that club

had been around forever but everybody was saying that at the time there was a million half-assed Hicks that's what you could call them. Orators. Yeah.

Well, like right now, there's like a hundred Attels. There's so many guys who talk like Dave. There's so many. There's so many fucking Attels. You know, there's a bunch of Patrices. When Patrice was alive, there's a few Patrices. Quite a few Hedbergs. Oh, yeah, man.

Well, they've kind of branched out into their own, which is what happens, man. It's like in the beginning, what's awkward is that we're watching it. But we all kind of went through it. Like I had a bad Richard Jenney period, man, where I was on stage. And I realized I was, you know, it was like open mic level one year in. And I was on stage. And myself, I was like, oh, my God, I'm definitely stealing the way Richard Jenney talks. Like I was talking just like him, the same cadence.

I wasn't even being myself. But I realized that like just because I admired him and I was scared, I was trying to figure out how to do it on my own. So it becomes a lot of these guys, I think that's what happens. Like there's guys that have been compared to Hedberg that you can't really say that anymore. Like you watch him now and you go, oh, he's found his own little weird thing. Well, Hannibal Buress, when I first saw Hannibal, he's fucking brilliant.

I go, wow, he sounds like Hedberg. And then I go, I think Hedberg stole sounding black. A little bit, man. A little bit. He had one of my all-time favorite jokes about bananas. Someone said, do you want a frozen banana? I said, no, but I want a regular banana later. So, yes.

We were going through the litany of our favorite Hedberg and Attels. I don't have a girlfriend, but I do have a girl that would be very upset if she heard me say that. He had such a fucking... And I knew that girl. Like, that's the thing. His jokes, a lot of them were reality-based, even though that's probably why he hated the Stephen Wright comparison. Right, right, right. Where he was saying real shit.

He really did give free bread to a duck at Subway. These things actually happened and he wrote it in a way that was hilarious. You were with him, sorry, when he wrote the joke about the tennis. Yeah, we played tennis down there.

His first Letterman special, he did the joke and he dropped my name and I was all excited. I played tennis with my friend Doug and I realized no matter how good I get at tennis, I'll never be as good as a wall. He had a gang of them, man. He was just one of those guys, man. Just very unique. It's very hard to compare him to someone else.

He's just his own little weird category. Fucking Shawcroft has so much unreleased footage, and she's such a scared to put it out. I don't know. Why wouldn't she put it out? Well, because she doesn't know what she wants, his legacy to be right. She's a fuck-up like all the rest of my comic friends.

She doesn't get around to shit. So was there stuff that he was working on? He'd film everything. Wow. I have this 30-minute VHS he made me from, like, 1993 that he shot while we were on the road doing Montana run triple gigs and Vancouver. And he just shot and edited back in VHS days. It wasn't computer era. He had to actually sit and fucking edit this and titled it for me

and autographed it to me. He's like break dancing in the winter on some barren road on a piece of cardboard in Montana. We're making out in a kitchen in some fucking comedy club in Surrey, B.C. And we kiss in front of the cooks just to disturb

them and he pauses on it and plays, I wanna know what love is. Just He was doing that shit though in 93 and we were co-headlining a b room so we were co-middling basically right for no money i remember the night we got paid we were afraid we weren't going to get paid because this club was definitely going under you could tell and uh we had we had to stay in the owner's house and there's the the owner didn't even live there

and there's stacks of dirty dishes higher than the sink and it's just as bare mattresses we're sleeping on in the basement and we're like we're gonna get fucked out of our money and this is when if you don't get paid, you don't get home. That's your gas. That's everything. And we finally got paid. And then they're taking us out into downtown Vancouver. Surrey's a suburb.

And the door guys that were cool are going to take us out to party. And they were telling me how hot the hookers were in Vancouver. Streetwalkers. But no, they were. Yeah, we're driving past all these hookers. I go, these are really streetwalker hookers? Like, they're fucking, for me, A game. For you, not so much.

And I'm like, what's the minimum? And whatever it was, they said like 50 bucks. And I go, all right, here's, I think I got paid like 600 bucks or something. I go, here's the rest of my money. I'm just taking 50 bucks so I can't get ripped off. Drop me off next to her and pick me up in half an hour. So they dropped me off. I go up to her and the minimum is 100 bucks.

A minimum? Yeah. Well, I only have 50 because they told me it was 50. Nope. So I had to sit on a bus bench

next to a hooker working a sidewalk for 29 more minutes waiting for my friends to come pick me up. Why would you go to a hooker with 50? This is 1994.

For 50 bucks? That's what the guys who dropped me off told me. I was fucking whatever. How old were you? 94. 67.

67, yeah. Something. Something along those lines. I'll think about my dick. Dick made the worst choices in my life. Vancouver is one of the strangest fucking places. Because it's Canada But it's

It's almost like America Canada You know It's so Seattle It's right there Like Portland, Seattle It's right there It's more San Francisco In the PC

Yeah There's a lot of wild people there too Vancouver There's a lot of wild people there, too. Vancouver's got a lot of wild people. Well, so does San Francisco, but the ones that are cunts are very... It's almost like if Anchorage fucked San Francisco, it would make Vancouver, right? I was trying to think of a good heroin city,

because there's a lot of heroin up there. But in Anchorage or in Vancouver? No, in Vancouver. city because there's a lot of heroin up there but in anchorage or in no in vancouver yeah it's huge heroin the place we play brian's never been there that's why he keeps booking me back there is uh the rickshaw and it's in the heroin district which they have a heroin might as well be you know wherever all the fucking Syrian refugees go now if you've ever seen a full street flea market that's homeless

people like every single inch of the entire street across the street from that gig is homeless tents and you think oh is this an open air market no that's fucking homeless junkies the entire sidewalk for four blocks is just wandering, vagabond, junkie street people. I don't want to...

Look at this. Look at the picture. Oh, fuck yeah. That's nuts. Can I just say it's a very good deal? How so? You get what you pay for in this world, right? No, no, the door deal.

The door deal. The door deal. It's all standing. Jesus Christ. No, that's an actual restaurant. Don't shit on it. So do you tell him, hey, man, this place blows? Generally, I do, but sometimes I don't remember.

I explain the financial alternatives. Financial. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you can't let that get involved in your business. You can't let the financial alternatives get involved in your business. Standing out in that back alley smoking and you're literally going, can I get some duct tape for my pant legs? Because those rats are running so rampantly that you're just thinking,

oh, that could run up my leg. There's that many of them? And raw sewage, like thick raw sewage. I was just thinking about the poor hooker working for 50 bucks. Keep fixating on that. No, it was 100 bucks. I get lied to.

That was 1994. But you thought it was 50. There has to be a girl out there that was working for 50. That's a rough 50. You ever drive through Utah and you go through a drive-thru in St. George and there's this perfect platinum blonde 19-year-old working the drive-thru and you go,

what the fuck are you doing here? Well, because they all look that good. I didn't get to Utah until I was in my 40s. Well, you haven't lived. You know what I do love though though, is Salt Lake City. Like doing stand-up in Salt Lake City.

It's like everything has got a little extra kick to it. Because they don't get it. Yeah. I mean, they get it. They don't get it there. That type of entertainment. So the ones that are into it are... Yeah.

It's like playing the Antarctic, which I really want to do. The Antarctic. Wow. That space station. The fucking.... Wow. That space station. The fucking. Space station. Arctic station. Whatever it is.

Yeah. Yeah. I watched a documentary on that place. McMurtis? No, McMurdo, isn't it? McMurdo. Yeah. I think everybody gets it now.

There's like pockets of people everywhere that get it. So Salt Lake City's not, it's not just a giant Mormon stronghold. It's also a bunch of people everywhere that get it. So Salt Lake City is not just a giant Mormon stronghold. It's also a bunch of people that just live there. And it's beautiful. And as far as cities go. But they have this stigma. Oh, yeah. So people might issue the place because, I don't want to.

Fuck Salt Lake. Exactly. And they're like, no, we're better now. Well, it's a good spot. Like, because of all those things. Because it's underrated. Because everyone's so Well, it's a good spot. Like, because of all those things. Because it's underrated. Because everyone's so scared that it's a cult city. And it is a fucking cult city, by the way.

I arrived at the airport, like, a few months back. Landed. As we're going down the escalator. You see these fucking people. Welcome back, Elder Michael. Like, welcome back. They call them elders. They're fucking 20 like welcome back they call them elders they're fucking 20 and they're calling them elders and they're coming back from convincing some people that

don't even have like clean water that they need to embrace the joseph smith yeah yeah the mormon doctrine that's why your water's dirty joseph smith hasn't been here so bizarre man it's so bizarre they make them do it They make them go to these... That's like part of their gig is that they have to proselytize. They have to go to these weird places. And missions. Yeah, it's fucking nuts, man. A comic friend of mine went on the Tabernacle Tour.

What's that? Touring the Mormon Tabernacle. And they have a tour just like the Vatican would. And you can tour the Tabernacle. And he just kept asking about the Mormon Meadows Massacre in, I think it was 1857. I know it was 9-11 where they murdered, the Mormons murdered all these people. Whoa. Yeah, it's a fucking unknown story.

But Google it at home. Mormons Meadows Massacre. So, yeah, but what about that Mormon's Meadows? And they finally, someone pulled him aside. Sir, I'd like to show you something this way. And they showed him right out the fucking door because he wouldn't stop with the Mormon's Meadows Massacre. Did you know all about Mitt Romney? Did you know the whole Mexico thing?

No. No? Oh, I'm going to tell you something so beautiful. Mitt Romney's family like mitt romney's dad wanted to be president but he couldn't be president because he was born in mexico because mitt romney's family fleed to mexico when they made polygamy illegal when they made it illegal to marry a bunch of chicks which is a part of their church they went fuck you we're going to mexico because back in the 1800s didn't mean anything to live in the United States or Mexico

because everybody's on a fucking horse. It's not like being on a horse over here is way more awesome than being on a horse over here. It's bullshit. You go back and forth as you will. I'm near a running stream. I'm better than you. That's all that mattered. Especially in the 1800s.

The border was nothing. It was non-existent. So they didn't want to adhere to the new United States laws against their religious freedom to marry 15, 12 year olds. So they decided to move to Mexico. So his whole fucking family's from Mexico. Mitt Romney's family, his dad's from Mexico, his mom's from

Mexico, they're all a part of the Mormon cult from down there. Or religion, as it were. But they have fucking guns and they fight off the cartel because they get kidnapped. There's a bunch of fucking crazy shit that goes on down there. There's a couple of different families. And Vice went down there and did a doc on it.

Notice how I say doc because I'm looking in the industry. I like to abbreviate shit. It makes me look cool. Twitter trains you to abbreviate. I know. It's terrible. No, it's good. They did one of their hours, one of their videos online.

I'll just say that. Good. And it was all about these Mormons that live in Mexico still. And they have a fucking compound. Like an armed Waco-style compound. And that's where he came from. So essentially, it's like that guy from David Koresh. Imagine David Koresh's son, okay, moves to Mexico and runs for president.

That is what it's like. It's like that similar. I mean, obviously, like, David Koresh, I guess, like, shot some federal agents, shit like that. So it gets a little trickier. But this branches out into a whole bunch of... Yeah, but these fucking people have guns and they have to fight off the bad guys in mexico like they're stuck down there like this is where they've decided to like like white people that look like they're from fucking utah and they're living in mexico it's weird as fuck man it's really weird it's real weird but if we started to compound it because

our opinions are not popular i mean fuck this i going to go to some other country or place where no one fucks with us, and we're going to have this Death Valley party for life. Why not? Definitely why not. And you can't blame Mitt Romney for having fucked up parents. He's not down there fucking 12-year-olds. He's not Warren Jeffs. Well, you can't even brain David Koresh.

If David Koresh got into a situation where he had a bunch of people and he made them all have their wives sleep with him, like that's fucking his con. If you stop calling it a cult and start calling it a fan base, all of a sudden you're living the free market American dream. Yeah, the problem is you label it.

It's all about the nomenclature you gotta label it correctly that's what the whole scientology thing was about the nomenclature of whether it's a church or whether it's so yeah that koresh guy was like charismatic and he had a lot of fans right yeah that's really what i believe them if they're having a good time who's to say his comedy stinks yeah and like these him if they're having a good time. Who's to say his comedy stinks? Yeah, and like these guys, if they want to stay, a deal's a deal. You got to let the cult leader fuck your wife. That's just how it goes. And it's not like we can't do the same thing in comedy. Hey, sorry, buddy.

She came with me after the show. Jesus says it's okay, man. Brenda, did you really leave with that comedian? How terrible. I'm leaving this cult. It's funny that even in 2016, there's ones that will buy and do, and ones that are like, that one's fucking stupid. You know?

There's like, as a culture, as a society, there's like, we get the main ones. It's almost like political parties because it's just as ridiculous to have the Democrats or the Libertarians or the Green Party. It's ridiculous. Just having leaders is ridiculous. Ridiculous. All of it's ridiculous. It's all some ancient hominid bullshit that we have stuck in our genetics. We think we have to have one leader that stands over all of us

and fucking wears a special suit and puts his hand up. We all applaud. It's retarded. It's retarded. It's ancient. It's so archaic. It's just fucking stupid.

We got to... Yeah, but if you're the first guy to not, then you're a dildo. Well, someone's going to have to figure out how to break it. They're going to have to... It almost is going to take... And you know what it's going to take figure out how to break it. It almost is gonna take And you know what it's gonna take? No one running

for president. A charismatic leader. Unfortunately. And there you go. You'd have to get a charismatic leader that definitely didn't want to fuck. Listen, absolutely. Everyone follow me in not following me. Yes, that's the move.

People don't want to fend for themselves. I think we're going to have to come up with, in our lifetime, people are going to realize that there's a lot of things that are just in place that we were born with and the people that set them up, they just did not have access to the information

that they needed to form those decisions. The reason why they started off the electoral college and all the bullshit that we have to contend With today is because it made sense in 1776 it made sense they were just trying to piece together this thing but to stick with that To stick with every time someone says you know in the Constitution it says well You know if you can make a better Constitution, make it. If you can make... You gotta progress.

I think there's a bunch of things we have to agree on if we want to call ourselves America. Because otherwise, we become some... We become like a fucking... We become like the man show with you and I versus the man show with Adam and Jimmy. You become something different

with the same name. It it's like what is this fucking thing this is not what I signed up for everybody signed up for America and the idea of America is supposed to be freedom of speech that's like a big one right but how many people today are in trouble for talking about shit I mean how many people today are in trouble for revealing information or talking out about things that they feel. Jesus. Ellsberg versus Snowden or Chelsea Manning. Sure.

Yeah. Ellsberg's a fucking hero. I like how you went with Chelsea. Yeah. I like how you did the correct gender. I did. Yes. Good boy.

I had a long night full of stimulants in Viagra, and the fucking chick I thought was a sure thing. Turned out to be a dude. No, no, no. Bailed out. Oh, you researched. Yeah, so I was online. She's going, hey, Eros guide, is that a dude? I can't tell if that's a dude from the picture.

I'm just going to not call. Sometimes Eros guide. Better than you porn is looking up hookers you could actually get and then jerking off you know what for 800 bucks I could get her but I'd have to wait 35 minutes if you really think the girl in that photo is actually going to come to your door

they should take your credit card and sell it to India they really should whatever they do to your credit card when you fucking call and leave that visa card for the deposit they got you I love that people actually buy credit card when you fucking call and leave that visa card for the deposit they got you and i love that people actually buy credit card protection without knowing that you know what if you didn't sign for it it's the credit card that's eating it not you where i went to uh the bahamas once

and came back and there was a charge for seven thousand plus dollars for porcelain tile. Yeah, that's what I do when I'm on vacation. I buy porcelain kitchen tile. $7,000 worth of it. Holy shit. That's like a truck full. The fucking credit card company eats it. That's what they have to do. That's interesting.

Did anyone steal your identity or steal your credit card? We'll protect you against that. No, the fucking VESA will eat it. Fuck you. Just leave that shit laying out. And then I'll say, I didn't sign for it. I have this idea about information that money, essentially, it doesn't really mean anything anymore. It's not backed by gold.

It's just all stored up on a computer somewhere. We agree that $100 is $100. So that's data. That right but it's data it's just just ones and zeros there's no physical thing well the thing what's happened with technology is technology is bringing people and ideas like closer together quicker like if you have an idea you tweet it a fucking hundred thousand people might get a hold of that idea within a couple of seconds, right? Videos. You put up a video, it gets crazy, it gets viral.

A million people might see it in a day or two. The more technology improves, the quicker and easier it is to get to people. The quicker and easier it is to communicate. Well, money is information. And communication is just about information. We might come to a time where the bottleneck is money. Like we can't have possessions in order to be this one. In order to everyone connect together in some sort of a weird artificial evolution induced

like connection to technology that we're inevitably going to have. It's coming. It's going to happen. The bottleneck might be money. I think we're going to get to It's coming. It's going to happen. The bottleneck might be money. I think we're going to get to a point where the money's not real. Because I should have been tripping instead of drinking because I have no idea what you said, but I nodded a lot. I think we're going to get to a point where there's no more money.

I think that's what's going to happen. We're going to get to some weird point. We're going to get to a lot of weird points that we're not gonna be here for and the difference is you have kids so you worry about it a little bit more than i do probably you go wow i mean everything from a hundred years ago that you could not possibly imagine that are happening now yeah it is happening now, so a lot of weird shit we can't even imagine will happen, and I just won't be here for it. But isn't it really cool at the same time?

Yes. It's not negative. No, it's not. Even the loss of money, this idea, look, everyone's... It's the negative people that are the problem. Right.

With global warming, and yeah, shit's going to go underwater, and it's not going to be the Maldives anymore, but it's going to be warmer in Wisconsin. And you know what? You shouldn't be fucking and having that many kids next to a coastline Katrina. Oh, we're going to rebuild New Orleans. Oh, the water's rising, and you live under the sea level. Fuck you.

You know what? Drown your kids, you fucking asshole. Wow. This is outrageous. You're not going to get to host our event now. that we have rescinded our offer mr. Stan home we we cannot endorse your here's one thing hey drinkers out there if you're gonna bring your own booze and pour it into a Canada dry club soda bottle and you're mixing it with club soda,

make sure you realize which club soda is vodka. I just poured a whole fuckload of vodka in this, thinking it was a... This shit could get real. Oh, my God. I could say the wrong thing. That's a lot of vodka. That's a lot of vodka.

Oh, no, no. A lot of it's ice. Sorry. You're a fucking pro. I know. As long as I don't try to smoke your weed. Then things go south. Could be worse.

He could be drinking himself sober. It's been a long week. What were we just talking about? What were you just talking about? You were just saying something that was really interesting. What the fuck did you just say just before that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. About worrying about the

future more because i have children that's probably true but you know what it's not just that it's not even necessarily worrying it's about like if i see a pattern and i see some things happening like i see a bunch of things that are moving in a certain direction because just like you i don't have a conventional job i'm not overwhelmed with having to do shit that other people want me to do. So most of my day is spent thinking about shit that I want to think about. So when I look at this whole weird pattern, like, what are we doing? Like, what is this society doing? We're some weird fucking builder creature that's making better and better technology every year, because that's ultimately what we're doing but forget about all the shit about the kardashians and all the shit about the democrats and the liberals and

transgender rights and we're making better and better technology all that other stuff just allows us to have fun while we're doing it just creates conflict and resolutions and 50 hookers and all that shit just rolls up together but the at the end of the day, what we're doing is making better and better technology. That's all we're doing. That's the one constant. If we stay alive, we innovate. If we stay alive, we keep going. But if innovation, if you have to keep making more shit just to make people buy more shit,

isn't this shit we have enough? Exactly. It's true. Yeah, it't this shit we have enough? Exactly. It's true. Yeah, it is. For us, since we live a comfortable lifestyle. There was some story today where if the 62 richest Americans gave away most of their wealth, everyone would live above the poverty line. And you go, but then there would be a new poverty line.

the poverty line, and you go, but then there would be a new poverty line. So then those people, at what point do you go, well, I'm rich enough. We get enough shit, but I live above the poverty line because Zuckerberg gave me a bunch of shit, and now I live in a one-bedroom instead of a tent or a cardboard box. Well, then now you live in a one-bedroom, and you see the guy in the two-bedroom and you go, fucking dick. Exactly. That's what's gonna happen.

I'm below the poverty line again. Yeah, you're not gonna enjoy your studio apartment. Fuck that guy with his fucking two-bedroom. You asshole. You rich asshole. Poverty line is a statistic just like football. Well, there's a problem with getting shit for free. There's always a problem with getting shit for free. It's not a problem getting shit for free it's not a problem i know you you porn i thought was going to give me a

cease and desist going all right this this is like free samples at the safeway and you just grabbed the whole fucking tray and ate them all at once you fucking assholes stop with your cocaine and your viagra well don't they get don't i don't know if this is true, but you can tell me. Don't they, like, isn't there like a conflict in the porn industry where the porn people aren't getting paid for those movies and they put them up for free? And so, like, people shouldn't be supporting, like, those sites. Like those sites, there's like a dispute and a debate, almost like the Napster days when, what's his face? From Metallica would get really mad.

Lars, Earl Rich. Fucking it. People still hate that guy from that. I do. I always swore if I ever saw him in a show, I would have him escorted out. And then one time you were with me in Mill Valley, the other guy, Kurt something, Hetfield or whatever his name is. He was there.

He was there. And I said, I always swore if that fucking Lars guy was here and you're close enough, but I'm not going to throw you out. And I just started giving him shit about, I was like the first comic on Napster. Like they had a homepage where they'd feature an artist right before they shut them down. Yeah, that's right. And I was the first comic feature. And that's when people first started finding my shit underground.

And then they shut it down because of that fucking Lars cunt. And they made their bones off of people bootlegging cassette tapes of them because they couldn't get radio play. You're shitting on what made you, you fucking little weasley. I don't know. Is he Norwegian? What is he? I don't know.

Danish? Whatever it is. There's no need to disparage an entire race of people just because of one man's actions, Douglas. One man. I will. He fucked up. He definitely didn't have good friends.

He definitely didn't have somebody friends He definitely didn't have somebody Who would give him some good advice I'd litter too And I'd kill the whole Indian race Just for that one crying fucking guy On that commercial Sorry that was a stretch That one didn't

Yeah Well whatever Sorry I don't point at every one of your jokes It's true Ladies and gentlemen Like when we're If we fail

It's not because we didn't try Okay Don't get mad Aren't they still mad? Yeah, there's only 444,000 hours of a Joe Rogan podcast you can fast forward to. Yeah, that other... How do you do this? It's not hard.

No, but I'm saying you put out like 48 podcasts a week, and then you wrestle guys, and then you do MMA, and then you do 85 hours of stand-up and then... I have my own kind of crazy. I got my own kind of crazy to deal with. Are you one of those guys who sleeps two hours a night? No, I sleep good. I like to sleep solid six, seven hours a night. I'm not saying how do you sleep at night.

What do you mean? Do I have a problem sleeping? No, I'm saying do you have off hours? This is my goal in life, and I've essentially achieved it. I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it. Within reason, within moral and ethical obligations, the law and all that kind of stuff. But I don't want, if I decide I want to go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, I don't want to hear shit from anybody.

I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at 5 o'clock in the morning, you can't want to hear shit from anybody. Like I don't want to I don't want anybody telling me you can't go to bed at five o'clock in the morning, you can't sleep till 2 in the afternoon. Why not? Tell me why not. Why can't I wake up at noon? Why? Who the fuck are you? This is stupid. So all my life I've wanted to get to a place where I could go to bed when I wanted to go to bed within reason and wake up whenever I want to wake up. So then if I decide like to get up early like because I have have to see my kids at school, I decide. It's not because I have a boss.

It's because I want to. Because I want to get up. I have an obligation to be with the kids and I enjoy it and I want to hang out with them. I think that if you've got a goal in life, the goal shouldn't be be as successful as you can be. I think the goal, like it's not a money thing. The goal is to make it as much

like what shit you would normally do. But you're a driven guy. My point is the opposite. You're always driven to do something. It's the same shit every time I talk to a tell. Why don't you just take a vacation and just go fucking sit on a beach somewhere? Because he's always...

You're positive. Atel's always negative. I stink. I listen to my set. My CD's no good. Everything stinks. He makes me sad like that because he's so brilliant. He's such a nice guy.

I don't know. I can't imagine either of you going to a remote beach and relaxing. Oh, I relax. I know how to do that now. I learned remote beach and relaxing. Oh, I relax. I know how to do that now. I learned how to do that. Give me an example. I go on vacations. Where?

What's the last one? Costa Rica. Went like six months ago. Yeah. With the family. Had a great time. Did some zip lining. Fucking hung out.

Fed some monkeys. Nice. There was this thing called, we called it a Pikachu. I forget what it's called. I think it's called something-cito. Something-cito, but it looks like a little raccoon, but they're fucking super tame because they were hanging around this resort and they're just used to vacationers. So they come right up to you and we were feeding them grapes and shit and he got so comfortable

with us, he took a nap in front of us, fucking thing's lying there, lying down with his fucking legs up in the air. It was awesome. Monkey screaming at you, Screaming at you. Coming over, trying to get food from you. Chuck them some fucking Oreos. They open the Oreo up and they eat the white part just like a little kid would.

Like, whoa, how many Oreos have you eaten, monkey? So I go on vacations. I go on a lot of them, actually. Every time you talk about coming to Bisbee, I go, you'd be so bored here. We'd do some fun shit. You know what we'd do?

Go get some archery tags for some javelinas and go fuck up some javelinas. I could kill it. Wow. I am against hunting. Not against it. I personally couldn't do it. You definitely could do it. But a javelina, I could kill that motherfucker. Yeah, you could do it.

They're rotten beasts. Well, when you told me that one killed your neighbor's dog. Yeah, killed the fucking, then they hang around in packs. They're like coyotes. They're fucking awful. They're little demons. Yeah. They're little demons.

If they didn't exist, if they weren't real, you'd be like, whoa, these are cat eating, dog eating little demons. They just don't have the courage to go after a person. But they would if your child was out there. They're blind. If somebody put a baby on the side of a Toyota Tundra and just drove a few hundred miles on the road and just left that baby there for an hour and those peccaries, that's what they are. They're peccaries.

They're not even pigs. Javelin, everybody thinks it's a pig. Pig is a different species. It's a different animal. That's that fucking creepy fucker. That's a peccary. A peccary? Yeah, yeah,ary. It looks a lot like a pig, but it's not.

My neighborhood is three streets and then hills to the Mexican border, and I can tell when a pack of javelina are coming by the dogs barking. Like, okay, dogs are barking on that block, now they're barking on this block, now they're... on this block now they're

and i go oh pack of javelinas traveling that way that's so cool that you live in a place that has these things it's so interesting yeah they're like rats in fucking vancouver behind the rickshaw theater always always be branding they're like little demons man like if they didn't exist if they didn't exist there was this hairy thing in a movie that would chase after people's dogs and tear them apart. Yeah, that's where I'm the opposite of Ted Nugent. I would kill that and use none of it. But they're good. You can eat them.

I know. They're similar to a pig in a lot of ways. The best way to enjoy them. Yeah, people in Louisiana eat shit they find on the road, too. But you can. You can eat a lot of things. In Louisiana, eat shit they find on the road, too, but you can. You can eat a lot of things.

If you're in Shackleton's party, you can eat your shoe until you can find some seal blubber. You can eat anything. I think they taste good. I think javelina's supposed to taste a lot, very pig-like. Like wild pig, like wild boar, which tastes good. I think you have to make it in sausages and shit, but people like it. I brought Burger King. You know why? You hate Burger King.

I hate Burger King, and I told the Uber driver, I go, listen. I tweeted. I go, I'm afraid to be early because this is a weird, empty, industrial lot that I don't want to be sitting out in front of cold and waiting for you to show up and I don't want to be late because you don't want to be late. But I wanted to eat so I told the Uber driver we're going to be early so we'll find some fast food.

I'll tip you extra. There's a fucking In-N-Out Burger on the way up here. Well on the exit there's nothing but this fucking industrial area. There's an In-N-Out burger a mile away. This is my Burger King. Fuck Burger King. Burger King only exists where nothing else is available.

So you get off that exit. There's an industrial park or Burger King. Because if Burger King's next to anything else, you wouldn't eat anything. Okay, if Burger King's next to McDonald else, you wouldn't eat anything. Okay, if Burger King's next to McDonald's, you would go with McDonald's. Absolutely. You know why I agree with you? If Burger King was next to Payless Shoes,

I'd go with shoes. I said that I'm surprised that every time I watch Naked and Afraid, they don't stumble into a Burger King. There's no other option. They're the fucking worst, but I had to because there's nothing else around. McDonald's brought the fucking breakfast menu to all day, but they didn't bring the McGriddle. They didn't bring their greatest creation. That pancake thing with sausage and cheese, it's the greatest creation they've ever made.

You can't have it all day. They have a limited breakfast menu, but today on Newser, McDonald's soaring because they brought breakfast all day. And if you know my body of work, one of my biggest beefs ever is no breakfast after 11. Because as comics, we're not usually up before 11 yeah and i like breakfast yeah and it makes no sense i'm not gonna do the bit the point is that mcdonald's brought breakfast all day i love the fucking sausage burrito love i heard that's a good one and they're fucking their numbers are going through the roof I just can't take a risk. Because if I'm hungry, I look forward to Egg McMuffins so bad that I don't want to. Just a regular Egg McMuffin.

That's what I want. That little circular ham. Circular for no apparent reason. Perfectly circular ham. Like as if that even was related to a pig's ass. Oh, no. They breed the pigs in cylinders. They breed them in sewer tunnels.

They pack them in there and slice them thin. I think they're actually peccaries. But anyway, I'm addicted to those fucking things. I love Egg McMuffin. I love them. If I'm coming home and I'm hungry, I don't feel guilty about eating eggs and English muffins. It's pretty simple and straightforward.

A little bit of processed cheese, but whatever. Some fucking fake ham. You also work out like a motherfucker. I have friends in Alaska that would party so hard. How are you in such... Well, they'd party that hard and then go to the

gym for three hours and lift really hard. I don't do the second part. Yeah, that's going to be a problem. He's going to be a problem with this crazy lifestyle. Everyone's been saying this for fucking 20 years. You always point to me. You always have this conversation with me where you're like, how many fucking surgeries do you have? Yeah, when you're just talking today about the fucking thing they did to your knee and putting plates and screws and drilling shit into your knee.

We were talking about morphine, right? Well, you had to go through that to get to morphine. I could go straight to morphine and skip the bad knee. That was an early one. That was an early surgery. I've had a gang of them since. Things break, man. They do on me, too.

I got like three hernias working, and I don't lift anything. If you get them fixed, it's so easy. Eddie Bravo got two of them fixed at the same time. They just stick these. They have this webbing they put underneath you. I know. I get the umbilical one fixed. Did you get it fixed?

Yeah, but the other two. I get a ventral where your abdominal what would be your six pack if I had one. That splits apart. Not a problem. But the ventral is that's a regular inguinal. That's the groin hernia.

That's the one. One word is why I don't fix those. Catheter. Oh, they have to put a tube in your dick hole. Which I would have done if I was coked up after being dumped calling hookers and I'm getting a dominatrix. Yes. What about a morphine drip? One of those ones that I got?

The little button with your thumb? Click, click, click, click, click. I'd rather have a dominatrix do it fucking solid and go, you're going to just take this fucking catheter, aren't you? See, I'm so different than you. What I would like to do, I would like to drink a bottle of NyQuil and listen to some David Bowie. Just get their ground control to Major Tom.

Just let them do their stuff. It doesn't even involve me. I'm up here in space me I'm up here in space I don't have time to think about that catheter that catheter is not a part of me how many surgeries have you had? not that many honestly

my nose both my knees I had a deviated septum and I also had a bunch of blood that had pooled up inside the walls of my nose and become calcified

like a cauliflower ear. You ever see like a wrestler's ear? Oh yeah. I had that in there too. They had to carve out some holes and they had to do something called trim your turbinates. Your turbinates are like I guess it's like these bumps inside the side of your nose.

They clean those and flatten them down. I broke my nose when I was five. I fell down a flight of stairs, even before martial arts. Smashed my nose. I remember crying and blood and snot, and my nose has always been crooked, even since then. And then, from that time on, I don't know how much... Nobody ever says Rogan's

gorgeous except for the nose. But it's been broken a bunch of times. But nothing compared to some people I know, man. I know dudes who've had dozens of nose breaks. I've had at least probably six or seven. When you hear people bitching about athletes making too much money, a professional athlete will have several surgeries in a season. Could be.

Football, right? If your dad's getting a hernia surgery, you'll fly back from college because you never know. And anesthesia. And these guys just have surgery. That's the big argument for steroids. That's the biggest argument for steroids. Steroids rapidly improve your ability to recover. Rapidly improve.

So if these guys get a surgery, like Achilles tendon or some shit like that, the difference between recovery when you do steroids and recovery on the natch, fucking a giant difference. I mean, absolutely gigantic difference. They're not taking this stuff just for performance. They're also taking this stuff just for performance. They're also taking this stuff for recovery. It's in, in my opinion, I mean, done correctly, like you should allow all athletes to do that, whether it's martial artists, whether it's anybody, the problem is like, if you're talking about like a knee surgery, the real problem is you can get gains from that, that will be permanent. There's a certain percentage of those gains. Gains meaning you gain speed, explosiveness, just from

taking these steroids while you're going through rehabilitation because of surgery. So it is tricky. It is tricky because that cheating, whether it's playing football or what have you, that cheating will be permanent. You'll be a different person. You literally will be more explosive. Maybe even only fractionally so.

Maybe a half of 1% or something. But it's measurable. They can measure the tissues. They can measure the amount of gains you keep. There's been some studies on it, so it's tricky. It's problematic. How much explosiveness do you need as we near 50 years old? It's a hobby of mine.

I enjoy it. That's the problem. I enjoy training. That's the problem. I enjoy training. It helps me. For me personally, we talked about I do too many things or I do a lot of different things. One of the things that it seems like I have to do in order to stay even is that I have to do a lot of physical activity. If I don't do a lot of physical activity, whether it's anything, I could go hiking, I could work out, I could do something. But if I don't push my body and drain some energy out, then I don't feel my best.

I feel uneven. I don't feel relaxed enough. I have to drain the battery. So for me, to keep my sanity and perspective and clarity, I have to drain the battery. That's why I do it. The best way to do that... Oh, I thought you were going to say cocktails.

That works too. Everybody's got their own way. Problem is my way is prejudiced against... People are prejudiced against my way. My way is the way of the meathead. You can always find someone who's, oh, fuck, he brought whiskey.

I thought I should just bring whiskey. We got a lot of Jack Daniels up in this bitch. I've been drinking Jack and Coke, but what I don't like is the Coke. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the Coke. Drinking Coke or Red Bull or anything like that feels worse than, like, if you, I'd rather do methamphetamine,

which is the worst drug ever. I talk myself into putting the Coke in there so I don't feel like a deviant. Just drink it straight, Jack Daniels. It seems like something someone is reckless. Not if you drink it on the rocks in a proper rocks glass. The nectar of the gods, baby. You tinkle the glass and then you sip it. Isn't that what Sinatra called it?

Isn't that like part of a Jack Daniels commercial? The nectar of the gods, baby. That was a... You're thinking of Kurt Vonnegut? One of the last... No, it was you. No, I think it was a commercial for Jack Daniels. Was there?

Yeah. Pretty sure it was a commercial for Jack Daniels that featured Sinatra talking about Jack Daniels, calling it the nectar of the gods. Wow. It was during one of his shows in Vegas. The sands or something. Yeah. Well,

yeah. You know, they had that rat pack era, which is like, like one of the most amazing times. Let's say here, we'll listen to it. Put your,

put your headphones on real quick. And a mandatory at country club afternoons. Is this the one way he does it? His jet carried it to foreign lands. I can't get this whole fucking commercial, dude. And in the end. Okay. You gotta fucking try these in advance, son.

Either way, the point is, no one was tweeting Sinatra going, Don't die on us, man. Right. They didn't know any better back then. They didn't think you were going to die. First of all, they thought cigarettes would make you healthy. Right? That's back when, like, did you see the Leonardo DiCaprio movie on-

Wolf of Wall Street? No, the one- I don't know. The one where he played the FBI guy, J. Edgar Hoover. Yeah. J. Edgar Hoover. The J. Edgar Hoover one, J. Edgar Hoover's mom was talking about him being sickly and how the doctor had prescribed him cigarettes and she'd be smoking cigarettes to become

more robust. Whoa. Exactly. Always wrong. Back then they were fucking wrong. J. Edgar Hoover sadly died when he was, what, 35? No, he lived a full fucking life. He did.

Unfortunately, but still. Yeah. So when you keep tweeting me, don't die on us, man. I know I live an unhealthy lifestyle as far as we know, but I'm enjoying it. So until you're a fucking doctor who's prescient better than the doctors who said

J. Edgar Hoover's mother should be more robust from smoking cigarettes well you're a study in a way if I was a scientist or a doctor who's trying to study people that are healthy and happy and why I would study you because I would be like well here's this guy that's doing whatever

the fuck he wants to do he's's smoking, he's drinking, but he appears relatively healthy in comparison to a lot of other people that are not doing those things, but are working full-time, soulless, thankless jobs, and they're the same age. Like, if I followed your happiness meter, like if it was a scorecard and it was like a fucking college basketball game, happiness meter. Like if it was a scorecard and it was like a fucking college basketball game and I could look at the happiness meter, you would be a dominating victory in the happiness meter. Over the 9-5.

Over the normal 47-year-old guy. I'm not saying it doesn't have its downfalls. I wake up in sheer terror and I wake up, even when I'm home, I go I gotta get the fuck out of here and I go right to Delta.com and see what the next flight, and then I chill out and then I ease of here. And I go right to Delta.com and see what the next flight. And then I chill out. And then I ease back in.

There's down times to this. I'm not saying, oh, I'm happy all the time being a fucking drunk and a chain smoker. But we all are freaking out. I mean, this is like a core tenet of being a human being. If you're paying attention, you're freaking out about your expiration date. You're freaking out about the fact that this is a finite experience. It's gonna

end. And we don't know when and we don't know why. And we're getting closer. Yeah, and we're getting closer every day. But you know what? It could have happened when you were two. Happens to a lot of people at two. Could have happened in a car accident when you were five. It happens to a lot of people in car accidents when they're five. But it's guys like you that make me feel like shit about just sitting and watching Netflix for four

straight days, not getting up other than to piss or get a snack. But you enjoy that time. I do. I wish I could just go, hey, I'm just me. Why can't I enjoy? Why do I have to always think I see someone who can dance and I go, I'll never be able to dance. Why don't I don't excel at any of rather than focusing on what I do? Well, I too much focus on what other people do that I can't. Well, that's where obsessive struggle comes into play. Doug Stanhope, because obsessive

struggle, what I'm really into when I- Is that what you call fucking groping men? No, no, no. That's jujitsu. But my obsessive struggle, it'll fall in everything, everything I do. I'm not against groping men. I shoot like a hundred arrows a day, archery. I just shoot at targets because I love practicing. It's fun. That's a great example. If I shot a hundred arrows a day I would be thinking why am I not doing more with my life? No matter what you do

I think I should be doing something other people that I respect are doing. But you do what you do. I can't get comfortable with just doing what I do no matter what it is. I see someone else who does something I can't do and go, well, I can't do that. Maybe this will help.

This is some insight. Here's one thing that's true. If I have things to do and I don't do them and I go shoot those arrows, then I feel like a fucking loser. That's one weird thing. Like I can't just go fuck off. Unless you hit a bunch of fucking bullseyes in a row. Still feel like a loser.

So like that took me until I was like in my 40s to realize that I can't have anything. Like the price you pay for fucking off on something, the price you pay in mental mortgage

is never worth it. It's just not worth it. If I have shit that I have to get done, I have to get it done because if I don't get it done, it's going to fucking haunt me. But what is get it done? And what is within reason? And that's what I had to get done, I have to get it done. Because if I don't get it done, it's gonna fucking haunt me. But, what

is get it done? And what is within reason? And that's what I had to, like, hit my 40s before I realized there's a point of diminishing return. But yeah, well, it's like have to get done, yeah, you have to take care of your kids. Normal shit, but no, but other shit, like exercise, because

if I don't exercise, I do fucking freak out. Because my body's just so used to it. It's been doing it for so many years. other shit like exercise because if i don't exercise i do fucking freak out um because my body's just so used to it it's been doing it for so many years so if i don't do some form of rigorous exercise my body's like come on bitch what are you gonna make us just sit around i understand that but we all have different standards or or or perceptions of what we have to do right where you go what do i really have to do right i would consistently obsessively make lists of shit i have to do and then i would find one from you know a year six months ago that i lost and made a new list and i i didn't have to do any of that shit i i think i have to

do shit that's definitely true you definitely don't have to do anything you just have to survive right definitely but if you want to try to achieve something like if you want to try if you have a netflix special that you're going to film in six months and you decide i am going to piece together a perspective and i'm going to try to get this material i'm going to try to take it on the road but i'm going to need to have some life experiences so i'm going to try to get this material. I'm going to try to take it on the road. But I'm going to need to have some life experiences. So I'm going to need to go to the Museum of Creationism. It's in Kentucky. I'm going to go there.

I'm going to fucking sit down. I'm going to talk to the people. I'm going to gather some information. If you have some shit that you want to do, then you have some shit that you need to do in order to accomplish the thing that you want to do. That's real. But it's only on your choice.

But that's when it's at its best. And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I that you want to do. That's real. But it's only on your choice. But that's when it's at its best. And that's the beautiful thing about what you're doing, what I've been able to do, and what many people that are listening to this that are self-employed or they're artists or that are trying to do that, that's the ultimate goal, is to do what you're doing.

It's deciphering between what you have to do for you versus what you think you have to do for other people or to live up to the fans or to whatever what what do i actually have to do versus what i think i'm supposed to do right and that's what i can't get rid of so i always think i'm supposed to do so i have to well here's a key here's one key that i've found this is is just my personal perspective. Kettlebells, people. That's what you have to do. Kettlebells. No, don't get an assistant. When you get an assistant, you're just putting a band-aid on a problem.

The problem is your life's gotten too complicated for one person. I have Brian. That's who I am. You guys have a partnership. This is a completely different experience. You have an assistant. No, I don't have an assistant. I don't have an assistant. But did you? No, never. I won't do it. That's my one.

I won't have anybody who makes phone calls for me. Have you ever got a phone call from someone? Hold for Bud, please. My friend Bud would do that. I would fucking, I'd call his goddamn cell phone, and the woman would go, Bud, cell phone. I'm like, Bud, you're not that much of a big shot, you fuck. Answer your goddamn cell phone. It ain't that hard.

I guarantee you Tom Cruise answers his own fucking cell phone. There's a few people that just have someone that does everything for them. And essentially they become like mommy. And that allows you to focus entirely on your task at hand, which is to feed this machine that you've created of employees and fucking hairdressers and all these different people that follow you that you have to carry around with you. You become like

an ecosystem. Don't do that. No assistance. As soon as you need another person to figure out fucking where you're going and what you're doing and show you what your calendar is, you're fucked up. You got too crazy. Stay low key because you're going to absorb that assistance problems

too. You're going to absorb that assistance fucking pill thing fucking yeah fucking all sorts of issues taxes They'd never pay their taxes. You're gonna you're gonna take those fuckers in man. They're gonna be like stray dogs You're gonna have real problems or a great friendship and you know a wonderful relationship Just gotta be lucky so you said that was the first thing. Yeah, don't have any fucking assistants, man. That's number one. Don't do shit you don't want to do when you don't have to do it anymore. That's another one.

A lot of times people get famous and they get successful and they get wealthy and then they start thinking, I just got to fucking keep this going. We need to do movies, man. We're going to fucking do, we're going to do our own soundtrack. You don't have to do any of that.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Go back to when you and I were 21. You started when you were like 24? Yeah. I was 21. 23. But essentially, we were in our early 20s.

What did we want to do? We wanted to fucking make a living telling jokes. I wanted to get pussy. It would be the greatest thing ever. And I couldn't sing karaoke. Yeah, get pussy, sing karaoke. No, I couldn't sing karaoke, but comedy was a thing I could go up and sign on a list and then try to get pussy. Okay, so that's the embryonic stage.

But once you became a full multi-celled organism, when you became an actual guy who's trying to put together an act, what was the ultimate goal? I just wanted to do it. I wanted to be able to do it well. I wanted to be... You didn't want to have a day job. Well, yeah. You wanted to be able to do it well. I wanted to be... You didn't want to have a day job. Well, yeah. You wanted to be a pro comic, right? That was a long time. I spent three years of just going,

I can't believe I'm driving to Montana 18 hours to get free cheese cubes at a happy hour and $125. Exactly. I'm doing it! Yeah. I did a gig with this kid named Scott Papacuri on a place called Block Island. We stayed in a fucking storage house where they stored canned goods.

They had canned stocks. It was an island you had to go to. The people were so drunk, they were barely alive. The audience was filled. There was no comedy to be had. I never even got on stage. They canceled the show when he got on stage. He got on stage.

He told 10 minutes of jokes. He fucking cut the mic off. It was over. It was a disastrous, horrific fucking set. Have you had more fun since? Probably not. It was a good time. It was a good time.

He used to have another gig called the Mattapoisette Inn. It was in Mattapoisette, Massachusetts. It was this fucking, it was like a hotel. Mattapoisett, Massachusetts. It was this fucking, it was like a hotel. And then downstairs, there was like this lobby that inexplicably had one of the best comedy rooms in all of Massachusetts. It was amazing. Guys like Teddy Bergeron, Lenny Clark, they would headline down there.

Don Gavin, they would headline down there. And I worked there a gang of times with the same dude. So I assumed that this gig was going to be like his other gig, which was amazing. But it was a new gig. So we got in a boat. We took off to some fucking stupid island in the middle of nowhere where these people were just drinking themselves to death. Huzzah! They were monsters.

They were just drunk, bloated monsters. There was this woman. She looked like Don Barris with a dress and a giant red Winston Churchill like gin I almost got her off Eros guide last night but go ahead she's worth it she was just screaming that you know this guy who was on stage I'll never forget her I I glorified the early days when I was in them. Yeah, me too. I look back at some shit and go, that's probably worse.

But most of the time I go, I can't believe I'm doing this in the moment. I was having so much fun fucking the ugliest strippers in the world and just happy. But that's before people had expectations. And as soon as I got whatever level of popular I am, there's people who expect something and like,

Ah, fuck. God damn it, I have to work. Can't just go up on stage and eat a plate of nachos and tell everyone to go fuck themselves. They paid good money now. I love the transition has come full circle. Are you OCD? Because I just drank straight off your bottle.

Yeah. My herpes is only on my dick. That's not OCD, is it? What is that? That'd be germphobic. If I was germphobic, I wouldn't be letting dudes sweat in my mouth. Fucking hate. Dudes have sweated in my eyeballs, my ears.

I've had guys sweat in my ears. I guess you couldn't be a hand sanitizer guy and wrestle dudes in a fucking 69 position. Well, not only that, but I'll do a 3,000 seat show and I'll go outside and take pictures with everybody. I'll shake hundreds of hands. Jesus, I remember the time you brought me to UFC in Vegas. The only time I've seen it live. And you

walked through the crowd as they're all lined up to get in. This monster, aggro fucking... And just everyone's just glomming, Joe, can we we get a picture you can't get a picture with 3 000 fucking people that are in line yeah you can't do that but you just walk through like you're fucking moses part and sees they can't do it gotta go gotta go

i have three people when i'm trying to rush out and I'm like, I'm such a fucking dick. I try to run out the back door like Hedberg used to do. Hedberg was legendary on a one-nighter with 100 people, not asking for autographs because he's not famous, but he couldn't even deal with people giving him feedback. He'd just run out the back door. It's definitely an issue. If you really are worried about that, if you're thinking about feedback,

or if you're just worried about interacting with these people where it's a weighted conversation. They like you and you don't know them, so it's weighted. And the problem with weighted conversations, the big one, is that those can become intoxicating. And you could only want to have a weighted conversation. You only want to have conversations with people who adore you. Those are terrible choices. That's a reality that only exists for very few people. And it's not in our code.

We don't understand how to handle that, especially when it comes to you for no reasons. Like you're a child actor on a television show and you've never known anything else. That's an impossible mathematical equation to ask some little kid to grow up in. You are going to grow up and you're going to have requirements on you that no human being is going to be able to commiserate with. No one's going to understand. You're essentially a prince. You're born and you're five years old, you're on a TV show, and the world screams whenever they see you on television.

It doesn't make any sense. I didn't see the movie, but I got cut out of it. But I saw a trailer, the Chris Rock movie. Take five? Take five. And I believe in the trailer, he says, that's the problem with being a celebrity is you can only complain to other celebrities.

Chris Rock is in that level. I think that's his line in that movie. I didn't watch it because I got cut out of it. He's so famous, we can't be friends with him. Do you know what I mean? We're not famous enough to be friends with Chris Rock. I say hi to him

and I go, hey, what's up, dude? Nice to meet you. And I get the fuck away from him. He's too famous. You know, like, every time Dave Chappelle and I hang out, I can't even believe we're talking. He was at my 30th surprise birthday party. Really? Which one?

Where was that? Dave Chappelle. Where was it? Far Follow or something. He's the best. That's before I met you, probably. I was dating Christine Hodge. No, we were a third.

You're 48? You're 48? Yeah, you're a month before me. You're older than me. You're an old, elderly man to me. I'm your elder. I'm a March. You're a February.

So if I come to the airport, I expect you to be there for the sign that says Elder Rogan. Elder Rogan. We'll make our own Friars Club and you're going to have to get me in. But if we were both 30 in L.A. at the same time, then you had to be in L.A. Because that was 97. Were you in L.A. in 97? Farfalla, yeah. Christine Hodge made the surprise.

That's when we met, right? It was around then. You're in the book when I met you because I met you when my mother was on stage at the Union. Yes. And someone said, Joe Rogan wants to meet you because he heard you have the same kind of comedy. And my mother was on stage and you came in and I tried to drag you out so you wouldn't have to see. That's the way. Your mom.

I think Joey Diaz might have been the instigator. I think Joey Diaz might have said, you got to fucking meet Doug Stanhope. He's one of us. He's one of us. He's a fucking soldier. Because that was when Diaz was trying to figure out how to be Diaz. Like, Diaz, between 96 to 98, was in his, like, hatching phase.

And then he burst out of his egg and became Joey Diaz in 99 and I'll never I'll never forget it because I I used to take him on the road with me and all of a sudden I couldn't follow him

like around 98 I couldn't follow him I was like fuck I wouldn't want to follow that guy oh my god we were in

West Orange, New Jersey the same place where the guy bought for the comedian he bought a bunch of fucking NyQuil bottles that I was talking about oh yeah

yeah same place I brought in Joey and this is also the same place where joey notoriously would just he was a wild man he just disappeared shit would go wrong you know or right you know he'd have a fucking a big bag of coke and some crazy girl and he'd be holed up and he'd never make it to a show so i didn't want to not use joey anymore so i started bringing ari on the road with me other guys in the road with me as well so if joey didn't show up not use Joey anymore. So I started bringing Ari on the road with me, other guys on the road with me as well. So if Joey didn't show up, at least I had like one opening act.

I got booked at Uncle Funny's in Davie, Florida with Otto and George because he had such a reputation of not showing up for shows because he was a crack addict that they billed it as a triple X show so they would co-headline us in case he went on a crack binge, that they billed it as a Triple X show so they would co-headline us in case he went on a crack binge

I could cover the time because we're both of an ilk of Triple X. Yeah, you would fit right in there. Well, back then, I could do just all dick jokes. It's Triple X. I'm not on YouPorn. I did a bunch of Jersey Shore gigs with Otto and George.

Otto was awesome. He was such a weird, soft-spoken, almost like a guy who, he looked like old school, like vaudevillian times. He had this affection for those days. We used to do these prom shows in Dangerfields. You did prom shows with Otto and George? Yeah, I did. Do your listeners know Otto and George?

You have to. If you're a fan of comedy. I'll go out and say this. He's the greatest puppet act of all time. Right? Well, he's the only puppet act that a comic would appreciate. Well, there's a... He stunk at ventriloquism,

but his jokes were so awful, and he never changed them, and he never cared. This is my favorite. Madonna is such a whore, her pussy has a drawstring like a laundry bag. I watched him in Florida.

That time he showed up, God. He had some fucking glasses. And I would goad him into doing it, even though there was a partial audience that was black. Don't you hate black guys with tattoos? You're doing a great impression, by the way. I don't know. That sounds just like George. Hey, brother, look at my tattoo.

Look at my tattoo. I can't see your tattoo. You should have done it in whiteout, you filthy circus ape. I walked out of the room on that one when there were black people in the audience. Oh, my God. You filthy circus ape. of the room on that one when there were black people in the audience oh my god he had some filthy circus ape he had some fucking relentlessly brutal shows that was the puppet talking for the record the puppet got stabbed yeah i heard at danger fields in new york yeah i always thought

that was a uh urban legend but he confirmed no he told me He told me about it. He told me. His mouth to my ears. He told me his fucking puppet got stabbed. He told me one of the most fucked up I've ever been and I only remember because there was coke involved and then you remember. Coke makes you remember? Oh yeah. It makes you alert

and going I shouldn't be able to drink this much but it was me and... You should have cooked an Alphabrain. Me and Otto and George. It was 2005 in Montreal. And it was me and Otto and George and Dylan Moran in a fucking hotel room at the Montreal Comedy Festival.

And I thought, I'm going to die. I'm definitely going to die. Jesus. And the other people are going to die. I'm definitely going to die. Jesus. And the other people are going to die before me. Jesus. Fucking Dylan Moran falling asleep with lit cigarettes, waiting for more cocktails to be brought up to the room. I was at the fucking gas station in Hollywood

right next to the Laugh Factory the other night, driving home. I never try. I try to never get gas. Hang on, ladies and gentlemen. If you're ever to the Laugh Factory the other night. Driving home. I never try. I try to never get gas. Hang on, ladies and gentlemen. If you're ever near the Laugh Factory and you need gas, we're going to stop and do a commercial break. Go to the... Sorry. This fucking guy walks up to me and he's

cracked out of his head. There's something wrong. Something wrong. He's asking a bunch of weird fucking questions. He's real speedy and he's smoking. When I went to pump gas, someone had done some fucking sneaky trick where, you know, you press, like, what gauge do you want?

You press the button, you pull the thing out. They had left it already pulled back and locked in place. So when I pulled it out, it started spraying gas. So I let it go. I'm like, what the fuck is this?

And I, you know, I undo the little thing that keeps it on. But there's gas all over the floor. And then I start pumping gas in my car, and this guy walks up with a cigarette. Oh, no. And he's got a cigarette just a few fucking feet from this gas that's on the ground. And if the guy decided to just throw the cigarette on the ground, I mean, we are literally depending upon the choices of a fucking moron to not have my car blow up, me die. I'm literally thinking right now I might have to sprint out of this position. Because have you ever seen what happens to people when they get in those, like, they say that you shouldn't even have a cell phone out.

There's potential for a cell phone to have a spark, and that spark ignites the fumes. That fumes ignites the gas and people have died like that. It's very rare. But it's one of those, the right amount of humidity in the air, the right amount of static electricity. Weird shit can happen. This fucking guy's just standing there with a cigarette and he goes, hey, this is a nice car, man.

Where'd you get it? I got it from a car store. And then the guy in the fucking loudspeaker is going, Sir, will you step away from the pumps? You cannot be smoking a cigarette while you're standing in the pumps. So this guy is angry now because they're suggesting that he shouldn't be near the pump. So then he holds his hand up over where the gas is. And it's getting real touch and go, man.

It's real touch and go. And I'm like, I am not going to fucking burn to death for some moron. And I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. Like, what do I do? What do I do? Do I jump out of the way? Or do I just charge at this guy? Like, there's one of two things that's going to happen.

Either I'm going to jump out of the way, and he's going to light this whole fucking place on fire. And I might get to the road. I might get to Laurel Canyon before the fucking gigantic explosion hits, and all these fucking houses go up in flames, and that's how it happens. One asshole. One stupid fucking asshole.

Looking at me, I didn't finger you when you were six. I don't have any idea what happened to you that got you to this position. But here you are, fucked up on something, looking at me, and you're holding a cigarette

over where the gasoline spilled on the ground because the guy in the fucking speaker booth has chosen to pick on you. It got real weird, man. It's weird when you said finger you when you were six because you were obviously doing a black guy. No, it wasn't a black guy. Well, I thought it was a black guy. No, it wasn't a black guy. Well, I thought it was a black guy.

He was Latino. And when you said finger you when you were six, I thought you meant point you out of a lineup. That's how racist I am. There was something wrong with this dude. There was probably a bunch of things wrong with him. I think there was probably drugs and there was probably something else. There was stupid and drugs

together, but there was definitely some drugs because when he was talking to me, it was just like there was probably drugs and there was probably something else. It was stupid and drugs together. But there was definitely some drugs. Because when he was talking to me, it was just like, there was a weird, it was like a fucking scary dog. Like a scary dog. Like a dog that just wasn't like, oh, what's this fucking dog? Get out of here! I have irrational fears of things blowing up, including balloons. I left a Perkins once because there was a girl doing balloon animals on a Sunday

morning for kids and just stuff popping and blowing up creeps me out. You gotta get past that. It's just a weird fear. They just wake you up to a fucking bunch of balloons. Blowing up the fucking gas tank.

E-cigarettes is a fucking sponsor i didn't quite turn down yet but i told chaley do research because i've read like five or six stories about people having e-cigarettes blow up and shatter their entire fucking teeth and jaw out there's one that's, a guy got paralyzed. It blew his fucking spine sideways. Whoa. You only have to read a couple of those stories where you go, no, no, I'll die of cancer. Want to hear one of the craziest ones I got for an ad?

They want to do an Uber for babysitters. I'm like, bitch, are you out of your fucking mind? You think you're going to just have like a, you're like, oh, someone watch my loved one. Someone watch my child who can't even tell me what happened to him. Come on over, strange person. Well, I'm sure. Oh, the Uber driver actually babysits? No, not a real Uber.

Like an Uber 4. They babysit. This is really clear. This has nothing to do with Uber. This is like the concept that Uber uses. I need a driver to take me somewhere right now right okay i need a babysitter to watch my kid right now get the fuck out of here i was like you gotta be out of your mind man i was like they started describing it to me i go no no i'm not gonna be a part of your shitty decision making like even if it works

out a thousand times how old one time where it doesn't Seven and five the youngest one Crazy weird. I want to ask a question which is In that bike and you're driving home from a gig. I'm assuming at the Comedy Store and you pull into that Gas station here like the doors in the background. Okay, there's on the storm and Right on it's that I find it's like the majesty of life. Until that moment, you did not think your life was going to be in peril that night.

True. You were just suddenly in that moment. Just trying to get some gas. Yeah. That's the random beat of life, man. That's what I do all the time. I drive, it's an hour and 45 minutes from Bisbee to the airport, and every car that comes past me the other way,

I wait in case they're drunk. Are they going to swerve into me? Douglas, that's called being intelligent. I'm not afraid of death. I just want to avoid it. Well, you just don't want to die because an asshole is doing fucking trucker meth, and he decides to start beating off asshole is doing fucking trucker meth. Yes. And he decides to start beating off all over his fucking steering wheel.

And he can't hold on to the thing when he hits a possum. And his thing's all slippery like lube. And he fucking goes flying into your lane and hits your 2013 Suburban and turns you into a hamburger. I do that all the time until I'm drinking and then I don't give a fuck. Exactly. Well, that's why drinking's beautiful. Because what drinking does is it limits inhibitions. It blows them away.

It takes them away. It brings you to a place where you don't care anymore. You're like, I can enjoy this moment. There's some fucking magic shit in that. The whole key to whether it's drinking or smoking weed or doing mushrooms or doing nothing or exercising is like this harmonious balance. There's a path.

Yes. You tweeted this today. It's from your book, you fucking cunt. Is this the shit that strippers put on their Instagram page? Alcohol cannot... Hang on, this is from Brian's book. Alcohol cannot cure every problem in life, but if we remove the problems that it can't cure,

then the path is clear. That's beautiful. Thank you. Patrick Roberts in A Tale of Adventure, my novel. That's a beautiful quote. The path is clear. It's true. I have a distrust for people that can't drink.

I'm not saying that drinking is the end-all, be-all, but it's also an option. And as soon but it's also an option. And as soon as it's not an option for people, there's two reasons why it's not an option. It's either genetic, which I completely understand. Because I know people that just fucking have that wacky gene. They just have it. Yeah, they turn into a Jekyll and Hyde fucking... I've seen it.

I dated a girl once. At the fucking union, by the way. At the union. She was so nice. I met her. She was so sweet. She was. At the union. She was so nice. I met her. She was so sweet. She was from out of town. She was in.

She was like, she didn't have anything to do with show business. She was completely normal. We went out one night. We had a nice dinner together. I'm like, wow, I think this girl's going to be my girlfriend. I was like convinced. I was like, she's really cool. Like she's friendly and she's nice to waiters.

So all the things that i like she's kind week the next day i go because there's a comedy show i mean maybe the next day next day i see her whenever i see her again and she's fucking hammered before i get there and she's shark-eyed she's gone and she breaks a glass like this oh no. And she just starts talking shit about something. I'm like, oh, oh, oh, oh. Well, what a fucking 180. Hey, can we fuck really quick, and then I'm going to drop you off? No, no, no. There was no fucking going on.

She might as well have been a small, hairy, sweaty dude with shit smeared over him. Like one of those fucking things that those old plaster guys do when they're wall papering. She might have been covered in shit. She might as well have been a pickery. The whole thing was, there's no way. I was gone. My survival instincts were slamming on the brakes. I was like, what the fuck, dude?

You came that close to this being your girlfriend. She's breaking glasses and looking at you like a fucking zombie I'm like Jesus Christ I went from one to the other One to like wow What a friendly nice person That'll make me feel really good When I'm around her

We're gonna have some fun together Next time shatter I'm thinking her stabbing valets in the neck With a beer bottle Falling face first chipping her fucking teeth on the curb. I'm picturing the whole deal. I spent three years in one of those. I know. It's hard to describe that.

That's not mentioning. I was there. I was there for that. But at her best, she was good. Joe, you used two phrases. At her best, she was beautiful. Yeah. She was an awesome person at her best.

That's the most magical thing about people. The idea like this is why I hate when people start to shame people or attack people on Twitter and go after people. Because you cannot be defined by moments. You're defined by the culmination of your life's experiences and your interactions and as soon as you find someone who's trying to like i just label someone or lock someone into one particular moment you're finding someone who's just trying to avoid all the flaws they have in their self when no one's perfect none of us are and the the idea that you can lock a quote down and put it... Doug Stanhope said that he thinks that fucking, you know, whatever, this guy should get AIDS because his jokes suck. You know, like, if you... You know what I'm saying?

I was trying to describe Chad Shank, the friend I'm staying with while I'm in town, and everything about him sounds, Chad Shank, well, he used to do this and that, bad things, and he can't leave the house because he's afraid he might hurt someone really bad or murder them. Yeah, you were telling me the other day. Yeah, he's the most beautiful human being in the world, but to try to explain him based on his own biography. Exactly. He's fucking fantastic. There's a lot of people like that, my brother. There's a lot of people like that, my brother. There's a lot of people like that.

It's always going to be the case. But he understands his own insanity and learns how to work around it. And there's these flashes of awesomeness that come out of people like that. There's flashes of awesomeness that come out of unconventional thinkers, unconventional people, or people that, for whatever reason, the pressure came from a different direction. It created some fucking weird kind of personality diamond. And that's Diaz.

I mean, Diaz is the epitome of some weird personality diamond. And I'm not even just talking Joey. Like Nick Diaz and Nate Diaz, the MMA fighters for the UFC. Every Diaz. There's a lot of Diazes out there. All the Spanish people have fucking Diaz brothers. The fucking Diaz brothers. And Scarface.

Fuck you. Fuck Frank. Fuck the Diaz brothers. Right? Yeah, if you just read Joey Diaz's fucking rap sheet, you go, that's not a good person. Well, actually, his rap sheet is not that extensive. He got away with a lot more than he got in trouble for.

The point is, if you explained all the things that Joey Diaz had done wrong, you'd never appreciate Joey Diaz. Exactly. Like, if people in my community Okay, I live in a nice community of white people with babies. If people in my community they said, well, who's

what kind of people do you associate with? Well, one of my best friends went to jail for armed kidnapping. There was a guy that had coke and he wanted to get the coke from the guy so he tied him up and he threatened him with a machine gun. But he's pretty awesome. That's what I had to do with fucking Krista. I won't say her last name but

Krista, I'm like I'm staying at this guy's house and I'm like, she just got out of prison. It's a girl that went to prison for two years because she had fucking a lot of weed in her car and got busted in like a weird county in Illinois. You know, those documentaries where they thrive on busting people. Sure. Hey, do you mind if I bring my ex-felon friend?

Yeah. Is it okay? I know I'm staying at your house well people get scared what are you going to do your friend's going to come over and steal my checkbook Douglas can you vouch for this girl or this Joey Diaz character but the thing is at least Joey Diaz has well they both I'm sure have talents

but Joey Diaz has a very marketable talent like he goes on stage and kills and you forgive him for everything When Joey Diaz goes on stage and crushes you go. I don't care what he did. I don't care what he did. Come on over Come on, let's party That's I mean that is the reason why like in the late 90s. I brought an extra opener It was only because of Joey. It's because I just realized. Oh, that's what started that conversation was Joey Diaz.

One time, the Lakeshore Theater. Oh, yeah. I booked him the headline. And he just, at the last minute, hours before, he calls up the booker and says, I can't make it. I got some shit going on. He's like, but you're going on in a few hours. He goes, shit happens.

My favorite Joey Diaz story is I'm in Jersey. I'm working at Rascals. This is before I decided to start bringing the second opening act, and it's the reason why. First night, he just doesn't show up. He says he didn't know.

I didn't know. I didn't know the guy. He didn't talk to me. I wasn't sure if it was real. And then the next night, they say they had to get some local guy. The local guy shows up. Like, literally, the show starts 40 minutes late. The whole thing's a disaster.

Local guy does well. You know, we salvage the show, right? Second night, an hour before the show right second night an hour before the show i finally get joe he had a pager back then if he lost that pager he was that was two years ago but the second night he caught i i get him on the phone and he goes i'm not gonna lie to you dog i never left vegas so it's a fucking hour before the show, and he wasn't even in New Jersey. That's brilliant. And I had to make

a decision. I'm like, well, I'm definitely not going to not work with him, so I need to get another opening act. I need to give up some more money. The problem with so many comics and I'd say 90% of my friends is they're great comics

when they're there and they're on. Yeah. But they're fuck-ups. We tried to do that tour, The Unbookables, like 10 years ago or something. Yeah. That's a problem.

But the point is, they're all funny, but they're fuck-ups. Oh, I'm 41 years old and how do you rent a car yeah oh my god help you this is so fun yeah well this you can't you can't like completely hold their hand take up to the dance but once they're at the dance you can tell them where the good music is unless after the dance they start

biting people yeah see this there's all sorts of levels of fucked up. And you've got to find that. You and I both have a functional level of fucked up. One of the things that you and I, I think very early on, I think we both realized we're fucked up in very different ways, but we're both nice guys. We're functional. Functional. And we're both nice guys.

That's one of the things when we worked in the man show. We're nice guys. A lot of people forget that's the most. Like, that's one of the things, like, when we worked in the man show. We're nice guys. A lot of people forget that's the most important part. It's one of the most important things. You see fucking guys that you thought, didn't you retire when I started comedy? Well, they're still working there because they're nice guys and they're friends with the owner, even though they suck. Yeah, yeah. Nice guy actually gets you further than it should get you

it well it's also the there's that but it's also it's the right thing to do because i think you and i both remember when we were scared and we first started and like i know that you are really good with young up-and-coming acts you're the reason i found out about brandon walsh who i think is hilarious because i saw you with him in uh la and that's how i found out about Brendan Walsh, who I think is hilarious, because I saw you with him in L.A. And that's how I found out about him. And that's like, to me, there's certain people, like if Joey says this guy's funny, he's funny. You know, if Ari says someone's funny, they're funny. If you say someone's ugly, you're taking Brendan Walsh on the road with you.

I'm like, well, Brendan Walsh obviously must be, he's in. He's in the group. You know what I mean? He's in the group. You know what I mean? He's in the network. But a lot of guys think because they're funny, you taking them under their wing is all they ever have to do. And you go, all right, you haven't written a joke in four years. That's a problem. You get a fucking.

I've had a few of those guys. I had to cut them loose. But then there's guys like Ari. Ari is, out of all the guys I ever took on the road with me, he listened more than any of them. He would like – you would say something to him instead of him getting upset and saying like, yeah, but I could have done this. He would go, oh, yeah. Like he's one of the only guys. Like Duncan kind of too. But Joey and I had a very different relationship.

He's one of the only guys. Duncan kind of too. But Joey and I had a very different relationship. My relationship with Joey has always been praise and love and friendship. In both ways. And he's just always been so funny. Ever since he figured it out, I can't tell him what to do. I just love him and give him hugs.

He's kind of the same way with me. But Ari, when I met Ari, he was a door guy the store i started taking him on the road with me and giving him money to do gigs like the first time i took him was uh i think the first gig he ever did with me was the comedy works in denver and mike young she used to go on the road with me and uh i called mike young it's back like the early days i had a flip phone and i called called Mike Young. I go, Mike Young. I go, because Mike Young had to cancel for a wedding or something. And I called him. I go, Mike Young, you fucked up.

I go, listen to Ari Shafir killing. And then I held the phone out to the fucking audience. I go, you fucked up, son. And I shit the floor. And I told Ari about it. And he was fucking crying. But Mike Young was always there. The only reason why he was there was because Joey couldn't come to Denver

because he had a restraining order. Oh, yeah, Joey and his fucking Denver days. He had a restraining order with the club. He literally could not go in the club. He wasn't legally allowed to go in the club. Oh, I thought you meant the state. No, that was Seattle. I couldn't take him to Seattle.

I had to bring new guys to Seattle because he had some fucking domestic violence charge. Well, the kidnapping happened in... Yes, but it wasn't domestic violence in Seattle. It was like something happened. No, it wasn't domestic violence. It was some form of violence in Seattle that was unrelated to his machine

gun kidnapping a drug dealer charge. So I had to fucking take a totally different crew. I had a Seattle crew which consisted of Duncan and Ari. That's how Duncan got in the mix. Seattle and Joey Diaz. I love Duncan.

Duncan's the best. Yes, he's great. He drives a Mercedes now. Oh. He's got some crazy AMG dentist mobile. I was going to say some shit, but I'll ask you off the air about another thing. Another thing. Oh. Joe, have you ever had to read the right act to any support act?

Have you ever had to discipline someone? No. In what way? I know. Don't fucking do that again in front of me. I know what you mean. You've been late three nights in a row. No.

Brian likes to find the worst thing when we're in a green room at an improv and a waitress comes back to bring us drinks pre-show. Who is the worst comic you've ever had to work with? That's the same thing I always ask. Yeah, there you go. I always ask the guy who has to drive you to the radio.

The guy who drives you in the morning. I always say, who's the biggest dick? Yeah. Richard Jenny came up a lot. Really? Even though, like I said, I was a huge Richard Jenny fan. You want to say it at the same time? Who comes up the first? Who? Eddie Griffin. Oh, yeah.

Well, he's crazy. But again, Eddie Griffin, you go back to Eddie Griffin on, what was the fucking HBO? Def Comedy Jam. Eddie Griffin on Def Comedy Jam. He had shorts on and crushed. He crushed to the point where I remember watching him. He was on HBO when i was like barely an opening act maybe like some sort of a half-assed fugazi middle act right and i watched him on hbo

and he fucking destroyed and i remember being so sad thinking i will never be as good as this guy and i don't have it in me there's. He was bouncing around on stage and he had power and expression. He was skinny and wily like some kind of fucking Jiminy Cricket character hopping on stage. He had so much fucking performance like talent in him.

I remember thinking, man, I will never be as funny as Eddie Griffin. I'll never forget that. Fuck! I did ONA when they were ONA and Dice came in. Because it was scheduled at the same time. And Dice came in and immediately lit up a cigarette. And Opie goes, shit, Dice is going to smoke in the studio.

Like, I can't tell you no. And there's no personalities like that anymore in comedy. The Kinnisons, the Dices, there's no, I'm overwhelming, I'm a rock and roll star. He was impossible to talk to. He was a complete character, which I love. I love. But let me tell you this.

The reason why you're not like that is because you're better than him well I know that but the same sensitivity to the moment that makes you become self aware I'm not saying I'm good how dare you say you're better than Hicks I said it on Rogan's podcast

I'm better than Hicks you motherfucker you it on Rogan's podcast. I'm better than Hicks. You motherfucker. You and Ari. I'm going to put you in a spaceship and shoot you right to the fucking sun. I need some more hate mail. But the point is, tell me one thing. You, guy that hasn't said anything the whole night. That's Jamie.

Tell me one thing you know from Hicks' body of work that tells you anything personal about him? He had opinions? He didn't have enough time. Did he date anyone? Where did he live? According to his fucking body of work, what was his day like? What did he ever fucking do that made him a human

being? He had opinions. He could read a book and then make a dick joke in the middle of it and then make the point. You had opinions. He could read a book and then make a dick joke in the middle of it and then make the point You're right. I'm fucking better than Hicks. I'm not as good as most comics working today,

but I'm better than fucking Hicks. How dare you. Well, I didn't die at 32. He had a problem with cigarettes. You apparently don't have a problem with them. I'm way better at cigarettes than he is. He was at a different age. I don't breathe through my pancreas.

Well, if you go back, you are rude, and you're killing my heroes. But if you go back to Lenny Bruce's day, like if you go to my house, I have Lenny Bruce posters. I have where I have a pool table in my house, and above my pool table, I have Lenny Bruce at the Fillmore. And then in my office, where I write, I have this Lenny Bruce performance film poster. It's a movie poster. But listen, I'm never going to listen. Bill Hicks winked at me in a giant poster in your house after I came out of the only time I ever did DMT. I swear to God.

I came out of this thing going, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. And then I saw there's a Bill Hicks. I have a Bill Hicks where he's lighting a cigarette with the American flag. Oh yeah. It's in the pool room. That's in the pool room too. Whatever room I was in when I went, I get to go.

DMT. I worried about you that night I thought I lost you because I got him high on DMT and we went

fucking I think I gave him a way too big a dose because he was the first guy I've ever met that foamed at the mouth

like legitimately he had bubbles that's the poster I have in the pool room that's the one where he winked at you but you had bubbles coming out of the corner of your mouth and you were moaning and you were going

and I knew my first cognizant thought was or memory is saying oh my goodness oh my goodness well that's what it'll do to you or memory is saying, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness. Yeah. Well, that's what it'll do to you.

That wasn't the Brea improv, mate, was it? No, no, no, no. That was smoking his weed. No, no, no. That was a mistake. I deserve everyone to read them. This was a smart move. That was a mistake.

The DMT was a smart move. We were doing the man show and we came over to my place to try to write and try to storm ideas and come up with some new sketches. And then deal with the hand that we had been dealt. Because Stan Hope and I, we both had this, I don't want to name any names, but there's a bunch of people that sold us an idea that we could go in and do something chaotic.

Executives. You don't have to name names. They don't have names. They're fucking people no one remembers. All they wanted to do was get us attached. If we were attached, they knew they had some names, and they could take that and they could resell it. So that's what they did.

But then once we were working, once we were actually on the set, they had very different ideas as to what it would be versus what we had. And our ideas were based on the conversations that we had that made us agree to do it in the first place whereas their ideas are based on the old shows so there was a little manipulation but that's just part of what the fuck happened so we would go back to my

we went back to my place this one night and I don't remember whether we decided before we got there this was the end of this show and we had to write these monologues or whatever bullshit. And we were already going through such stupid shit. We had this game show called Make Me Hard. That's what it was supposed to be called.

That's what Doug's original name for it was, because it was your idea. Make Me Laugh was a game show where you get a contestant and there's three comedians. If you cannot laugh for however many minutes... Tell him this. I have to piss. Tell him this. I was waiting for you to wrap up because I have to piss. Keep going.

Make Me Laugh was a game show where a contestant had to not laugh while three comedians fucked with them. Okay. laugh while three comedians fucked with them. Okay. So we were doing a spoof called Make Me Hard where someone tried to not get a boner during three acts. And then we had a midget fellating a banana. And then we had a lap dancer, very hot, that pulls her dick out at the end. Oh, I see.

And then the guy's sitting there in what we called a weenie box that measured whether or not he was getting erect. That was controlled. Of course. Burp, burp, burp. Sorry, forgive me. Is this the concept or what happened?

The concept happened, but at the last minute the censor said you can't say make me hard. Go with make me stiff. What? Yeah, it was like, wait. What? You're going to let a transvestite pull her cock out on stage.

Yes. But you have to just make sure you're employable enough by, I gotta make some change hard, that's too adult-oriented, stiff. You can do stiff. And at the last minute, all the fucking props people had to go

make a new sign. It's fucking ridiculous. But we're doing a new show. They were crying. They were crying. No names, no names, no genders. Crying. Joey Diaz was going to introduce us. Joey Diaz was going to come out.

He's going to be naked. He has Timberlands on and a fucking baseball hat on. He's got a New York Mets baseball hat on and fucking Timberlands. He comes out and he's like, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this party started! Welcome to the man show, motherfuckers! And they're gonna beep this out.

This is what they tell Doug and I. They say, we're gonna let you swear, we'll beep it out, we'll show nudity, we'll blur it out. If you guys get sued, it'll be great for the show. You know, Doug and I got together, we got drunk, and go, what do you want? Do you want to do this? They want to do this.

You want to do this? He goes, let's fucking do this. Let's fucking do this. Let's do. We're going to do this. We're going to make the crazy shit. Once we got in, it was a totally different story. Once the paperwork had been signed, we were committed to this project.

Then there was executives. The executives sort of had control over the executive producer who had control over the writer. Everybody's keeping their job. There's a bunch of things that Doug and I just didn't anticipate. So we got to this position where we were doing something that wasn't what we set out to do and we didn't feel good about it. And then there was like a bunch of arguments. And one of them was how the show would start i wanted every show to start with joey diaz naked running out into the audience and this woman was crying i should damn i said a gender let's this executive they don't know we freedman shut up you son of a bitch oh damn you stanhope

i love zoe oh she was crying is this really what you think? Is this man show? Crying. And I said, how about this? I go, we'll do it both ways. We'll do it the regular way first. And the second take, we'll do it with Joey. Yeah. Which was a fucking setup.

I can't believe she agreed to that. That's so dumb. Because the second take is always boring. Because everybody's seen the first take. Like, it's a setup. But she didn't see it coming. She was playing checkers. The whole fucking thing was a setup. We're doing it better.

Yes. Yeah. So Joey comes out, of course, roars. Everyone stands up. Let's get this party started! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the motherfucking man show! Doug Stamho and Joe Brogan! Everybody's standing up. They're like, this is the greatest opening for a show ever.

So I look at them and I go, told you. I know it's funny. It might not be funny to you, but you don't have a dick. You're not a man. This whole idea of this is supposed to be a man show. The picture you already showed earlier. A big, fat fucking guy running through. Giant balls like grapefruit in an old lady's pantyhose.

They were ridiculous. His balls are comical in their own. Look at him. He does not look real. You don't have to sell me on Joey's balls. That's Joey Diaz. He's one of the greatest human beings ever walked the face of the planet. Is that Ari in the background? Yes, fuck yeah.

That's Houston, Texas. That place doesn't exist anymore. That place, I had a dude pounded on my door asking me for someone named Ed. He was looking for crack. It was like a crack house. That place I had a dude pounded on my door asking me for someone named Ed. Where's Ed, man? He was looking for crack. It was like a crack house. Where's Ed?

Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. Nope. I'm going to take that back. That's actually Austin, Texas. That's not Houston. That's Austin, Texas. I knew it was Texas.

Now I'm regrouping. That's the place that's down the street from Cap City Comedy Club. He's the best. That's from a blog that down the street from Cap City Comedy Club. He's the best. That's from a blog that I wrote called Happy Pills. Do you still write blogs? Not much anymore. I keep them to myself. I write them, but they become material.

What I found was that I was writing blogs, and then I was taking some of the ideas out of those blogs, and I was turning them into bits. But the problem was people would be upset. They'd go, well, then there's this fucking, I saw that, it was in your blog. And I would go, okay, well, I have to make a decision here. Either I keep doing the blogs and the bits are in the blogs and people

don't mind, or people get annoying and they start complaining that the genesis of the bits occurred in the blogs. It's two guys. It was two guys that said that and it gets in your fucking head. They don't know any better. Everyone thinks this. But you know better if you think it through.

But initially, two guys. I won't do two shows in a night because I'm afraid someone will stick around for the second show and go, This is a magic act. This is bullshit. Yeah, I know. They will. And that's why I don't do two shows a night. Well, you know, I mean, you could look at it that way, you know.

I've heard it said... Go take a piss. Did you piss already? No, no, I'm just standing up. I've heard it said that maybe it's not bad if someone goes to the first show and the second show. A few people in the audience actually makes you think because those people are there you're aware of them you have to do it fresh you have to figure out a way to put a new spin on it you have to figure out a way to present it in a way that maybe will be exciting for you and that

way will be exciting for them as well so in a way where instead of just pressing play you say even though this is something that i've said multiple times over the course of the last X amount of months that I've been working on it, I'm going to say it in a new and inspired way because I know these two people from the first show are going to be here at the second show. Okay. He won't tell me if there's people that have stayed over. Tell him. No, because he gets all fucking... They're all at a party. No, no, I get...

He gets all fucked up. In my head, I'll try to do completely different material that's not even material. I got to care for that shit. Just because of two fucking people. I go... I've offered people their money back going, Hey, I saw you in Manchester. I'm going to come see you in Leeds tomorrow.

I'll give you your money back right now. Don't do that to me. I told this dude in Manchester, if you're going to come, he said, Vlad, I'm coming to two shows. I go, you got to get really fucked up. The first show, the second show is novel. You can't come to...

The great thing about my audience is most of them are drunks and they don't remember. I get emails all the time. Hey, I hope that thing, that special is coming out because I don't remember. I was there, but I don't remember a thing from it. Well, I think that potheads and alcoholics share that, the lack of memory. This is what's beautiful about alcohol as well as beautiful about pot, is this desire to somehow or another embrace this moment and and with pot it's

always the fear of getting carried away by the newfound ideas of like what reality really is whereas with alcohol it's the the ignorance of those ideas the point like who fucking cares who cares are we doing shots who's going to Mexico? You know that's where it comes in with alcohol whereas with weed you know you're like I know how to get to the roof It's just like it's so weird to think that there's just a few hundred miles There's like fucking gas and like what is it magnets or something like what's the magnetosphere? I don't know man

Let me get my phone. And you're fucking trying to figure out why the Earth, it doesn't just absorb radiation from the sun. Somehow or another, it's been designed. So there's like this seal, this like circular shit that you don't understand. The magnetosphere and the ionosphere, it's all fucking filtering gamma radiation. That becomes your freak out instead of the alcoholic freak out, which is just a presumed. I'm drinking some of your Jack, and then I got to get the fuck out of here.

Where are you going? I don't know where. You're not going anywhere. Where the fuck are you going? I got nothing. Drunk Uber? Yeah. Yeah, drunk Uber.

I think. You ever get an Uber and put your fucking headphones on? Do you know what an ADR is? That's where I'm going. I don't know what it means. Oh, that means you're going to do some Hollywood-type shit with sound. What did you... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah, I've been to ADR multiple times. What does it mean? During the Fear Factor days, it was one of the worst parts about the job. Here's a fucking cold, hard, ugly fact about Fear Factor. If you watch it on TV especially in the chiller network where it still plays like 12 hours a day if you it does it's on all day long not that it's a bad thing it's a good thing but if you watch it a lot of the times when i'm talking i'm not really there i'm talking in a sound booth somewhere where i had to watch the replay and like maybe some

shit they didn't come across right because the sound was all fucked up or sound cut out or something like that if you ever watch bar rescue or any dumb shit reality show you're into if they're not showing Jon Taffer saying well get the hell out of my bar they're showing the back of his head. He never said that. He said it after the fact. Is that what ADR is? Exactly.

I don't know what. I just want to know what it stands for. Especially on a reality show. Additional dialogue recording. Jamie's actually an audio engineer. Automated dialogue. Oh, there you go. There you go, bitch.

Brian, guess close to. I was wrong shut up why is this guy always interrupting why is he like red band always interrupt where the fuck this guy get a mellow yellow t-shirt how dare you I bought it online I don't even know what it was when I bought it really I just thought it's a nice phrase well it was a song and it was a drink well I remember the door I remember the Donovan song i remember the donovan song but i didn't know i didn't know it was a drink yeah it was a drink like uh like a really

shitty mountain dew like a mountain dew for people who couldn't find mountain that's taking that's not saying a lot of shitty mountain dew i'm shit-faced. Yeah, we're hammered. Are you too? Yeah, definitely not. Is that your ride, I hope? Yeah, I'm going to get one of those. I'm going to call one. Woo! Call me Mally Yellow.

Yeah, that was the song that Bob Dylan beat him down with. Bob Dylan did some... There's a film of him parodying Donovan on stage in London. It's inevitable and saying there's cuntiness even amongst amazing musicians yeah

that's a good song that Mellow Yellow song I know how dare you Bob Dylan yeah fuck you Bob Dylan but yet Bob Dylan

he's going nowhere he wrote all along the watchtower he did god damn that was good he did that was one of the few songs

where I appreciated equally whether it's Dylan or Hendrix. Mm-hmm. You know, either one of them. They got their own weird little bend on it, you know? You don't even give a fuck about music, do you? No, not at all. You lock down tight.

Look, if you talk about football, that's the same way I feel. I don't even give a shit about football. Worst Super Bowl fucking ever. What? You have said some outrageous things during this podcast, Doug Stanhope. This is uncharacteristic. Well, not this Super Bowl. Fucking Denver against Carolina.

It stinks. Why? Why does it stink? No one cares about those teams. Everyone cares about Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is a god. I like Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is a god. I like Peyton Manning. He does funny commercials. Wait a minute, you've got the two most...

He's funny. I almost went down. Peyton Manning can actually do funny, and that's what I love about him. Well, him and Tom Brady seem to be designed to make the perfect person. If they could just get together and fuck the same girl... Tom Brady can't do funny. And there's two sperm lassoed together, like one of those high school ropes we have to climb in the gym. If the two sperm intersect the egg at the exact same time, it'd create a super person.

Any time an athlete can actually pull off even a little bit of funny where you didn't expect it, it's hilarious. George Foreman was hilarious when he was making his comeback. They say, I won't fight a man unless he's in bed on a respirator. I make sure they're off their respirator for at least eight days before I'll fight him. That's a quote from George Foreman. He was hilarious during his comeback.

He was. So when comedy is unexpected, it's the best. Yeah. Well, George Foreman... You ever been at a bar where you're saying some funny shit and they go, what do you do for a living after everyone at an unknown bar likes you? And then you go, I'm a stand-up comedian. And they go, oh. Now they're judging everything you say.

You've had that before? Yeah. I drink at a lot of unknown bars. And you just start like, well, here's one of my favorite Doug stories. One of my favorite Doug stories is with the fucking boxing match in Vegas. And you were heckling. And hold him down and fuck his face. It'll destroy his confidence.

This is the prelims. This is the prelims of this boxing match. Listening audience, you have to understand when you go to whatever is boxing or UFC, the undercard, no one's there. They're all out getting drinks and waiting for the thing that they don't understand to happen. And that's at the end. So it's dead silent bingo hall church silence so you can heckle

from the back row but Joe Rogan got a second row so it's absolutely quiet and we're in there heckling let me take it from here try fucking him in the ass no no no let me take it from here because I wasn't heckling at all because Douglas doesn't do marijuana.

Joseph does marijuana. Douglas does alcohol. Joseph does marijuana. And Joseph's freaking out because Douglas is heckling the boxing matches. And I'm on your ticket. And I'm fucking laughing. You're the one who brought me in, so I'm kind of your responsibility. Yeah.

Try making him come. That always knocks me out like a light. Wait till two seconds to go and say, you just got punked. I don't remember that one. That wasn't what I remember. There was like five fights in a row with no one in the arena. The boxers couldn't hear you. Well, no, no, no.

He's being too humble here. He started getting laughs. And that became a problem. It became a problem because there was one of them. I think it was hold him down and fuck his face. That was the one that broke the waterfall. Hold him down and fuck his ass. It'll break his confidence.

Let me tell you something about how Doug Stanhope will heckle a boxing match. When he starts the right way, he doesn't just dive right into the hold him down and fuck his face. He starts with some light jams. And then he builds up.

And then it gets more and more bizarre. And then it got to the hold him down and fuck his face. But when he said hold him down and fuck his face, I remember just hearing people go, oh, shit. Oh, shit. Well, Don King showed up at some point. Don King showed up. I remember the Don King heckle.

But Don King showed up while you could still hear my heckles. And what was the name of his movie? Only in America. Only in America can you can you, I yelled something only in America can you fuck over someone. You had so many good lines. But he was there and could

hear every word I said. Well you started getting laughs and that's what had happened. You started getting like big laughs and then it became like kind of a weird stand-up show. Oh, it was so ridiculous. Oh, it was so much fun. He's one of the weirdest guys.

Virgil Hill, he was fighting that night. And Pepper, Freddie Roach was his trainer. Really? Yeah, yeah. Virgil Hill? Freddie Roach was in the telemarketing business with me before he ever got into Parkinson's. Or boxing, whatever. It started out with boxing and then showed its true form when it became Parkinson's.

Him and his brother Pepper, they're both punchy as fuck, but I did telemarketing with him in the 80s in Vegas. He's a nice guy, man. I did an interview with him a long time ago for the UFC. It was probably like four or five years ago. And he's such a nice guy. Freddie Roach is so... He might be hindered by this Parkinson's disease,

which he's pretty honest about, that it's trauma-related. But he's pretty sharp underneath there, man. He's not stupid. Yeah, Parkinson's is one of those things. I used to use that as an example of being drunk. My motor skills are slow, and I'm slurring, and I'm stuttering. My brain's working, and that's what CP or fucking whatever.

Chris Crazy Legs Fonseca, the Denver comic. He's got whatever it is, cerebral palsy. And he talks like this. He's also a wicked alcoholic. That doesn't help. But just because I'm talking like this doesn't mean I'm retarded. And that's what being a drunk is like. Yeah, my mind is functioning well, but the more I drink your Jack Daniels, the more my mouth goes like this.

Yeah. But you also make bad choices. There's bad choices to be made. Cerebral palsy doesn't call hookers in the middle of the night going, I won't care in the morning. Could you be expected to not call hookers in the middle of the night if you have cerebral palsy? Like, at that point, all bets are off, right? No, I'm just saying cerebral palsy doesn't regret having cerebral palsy in the morning. Right.

Oh, I get it. I see what you're saying. I was just drunk when I paid you $500 to not fuck me. There's a long story behind this that I can't tell on the air. Please hold. Last night was a bad night, but we'll save it. Riders on the storm.

Funny, old Robbie Krieger there. I don't know who's there. You know, one of the things that I enjoy about you, Doug Stanhope,

is that you still seem to be, at least to me, when I listen to your podcast especially, you're still trying to have fun. You're still, no matter what weirdness comes your way, like breakup, fucking chaos, road travel, you're still trying to have fun keyword trying yeah you shouldn't have to try to have fun the same as a relationship you shouldn't have to try in a relationship people say a relationship is a it's really hard you have to really try well then no do we try at our relationship we've been friends for fucking 15 20 years i try to see as much as possible exactly that's the try do you you know i'm gonna have to like let's go to counseling to be friends no you don't know if it's a good relationship you don't have to try when i hear people doing the counseling thing i I'm like, oh, man. It's fucked.

That's awful. Well, you know, as long as you don't have to keep doing it. Like, one of the problems with counseling is a lot of people that need counseling. No. Okay. No. But I have on my own. You said it like you had.

Being like going into isolation tanks. That's my own form of counseling. Pot cookies or any sort of pot edible in an isolation tank is so much more intensely introspective than uh any any any other person that you don't really know like you know you you know you know you so if you if you do like some real heavy dose of edible marijuana in an isolation tank you get get to look at yourself in a really weirdly introspective way. I think that's one of the things that's so fun about alcohol, is it frees you from a lot of the nonsense that's involved in introspective thought

with a finite lifespan. You know? Because how much are you going to figure out, bitch? Yeah. How much are you going to figure out? introspective thought with a finite lifespan you know cuz like like what that's you can figure out which yeah how much you're gonna figure out you're gonna die no matter what like that's the freedom of that alcohol sort of throws your way is the freedom of realization. That sometimes moments are critically important. They are sometimes more important in the future. The same way you must enjoy the theater of smoking pot.

The way you chop up lines. You don't do coke. The ceremony. Yes. Chopping up lines and you don't do coke. The ceremony. Yes. Chopping up lines and then finding a straw and doing that. I love that with alcohol. I carry my own cocktail straws because I like a short glass with a small cocktail straw. I like the ceremony of it.

Yeah. There's something to that. And then I get drunk and go, fuck it, I'm just gonna drink off a... Well, you know what my thoughts are on that? Rogan's bottle of... Drink it. Drink it. Look at the ceremony. I have thoughts on that. Do you ever go to the place where you grew up

and you visit and you have this weird feeling? I haven't been to the place where I lived when I was in high school until I was like 44 or 45 or something like that. I went back. And when I went back for the first time in all those years, it was really bizarre. I was like, there's like an attachment of ideas that I have to this place. You know?

And I think that kind of carries on. Absolutely. You know what i mean i i having to write that book memories i have not shut out i just yeah they don't matter but i had to go back to write that book and i i just remembering these things that happened i'm like oh that's that feeling yeah just when i had when i was doing that dumb run for president and had to go back to a fucking high school to talk to people about it it was a short-lived funny idea that wasn't funny at all but walking into a high school all that fear was absolutely relevant in 2007 like i was 1979 right i'm terrified of being in a high school someone's gonna beat me up someone's gonna pick on me was just right there at the surface so yeah there's definitely a correlation i remember when you were doing that run for president thing and you realized like early on there's no way you could

do stand-up yeah that was because any money i made from stand-up would be donations to the and then you have to i can't do taxes when i do my taxes i just over pay on their behalf because i suck at math so bad that if you ever audited me you'd owe me money does that make sense though i mean why would i stink at it but what why would it why would they be so terrified of people speaking publicly well Because that's what it is. What it is about your shows. If you were a dentist and you were running for president, I would assume that you would still be able to work on people's teeth. Yes. Right?

But as a public performer, if you are going to be some sort of a political figure, like you're going to have a voice on a soapbox in front of all these people with a microphone microphone You can't do anything else on a microphone because it's kind of the same thing and their eyes There's something that's really similar between someone doing a pull it politician act and someone doing a stand-up act They're almost interchangeable. They're essentially admitting that it's show business There's no to drink minimum at a fucking Donald Trump event. Should be. Should be. It'd be fucking awesome. Can you imagine?

I love the Trump. Just wait. It's the countdown until someone screams nigger. Sitting in the audience, feeding them drinks, just waiting. Just waiting for someone to fucking pop the N-word fuse. Just get them drunk enough. Get a fucking n-word fuse just get drunk enough get a fucking giant room full of trump supporters drunk enough but listen people say that oh as a comic wouldn't it be great if trump got elected because you'd have so much material well no i'd have so much

entertainment but there's that material you know comics who just find a News of the Weird article and just repeat it on stage? No, the joke was already written in the News of the Weird article. You need punchlines. Trump would be hilarious to me. I wouldn't use it as material because it's inherently funny like a News of the Weird article. Does that make sense? Yes, it does. It is kind of, right?

But how much weirder is he than Mitt Romney? Because if I have to choose between a guy who's, you know, just a part of some weird fucking ideology. Cock. Yeah, weird ideology. Or a guy who's just a super ambitious reality star who's also a billionaire, real estate developer. I'm going with that guy.

He's an entertainer. Yeah, he's doing this for entertainment for himself. reality star who's also a billionaire real estate developer i'm going with that guy even if he says an entertainer yeah he's doing this for entertainment for himself yes he's a megalomaniac but maybe not just he doesn't give a fuck about you or the country but maybe he's entertaining maybe a little maybe a little remember when barack first get elected and you thought oh maybe it was over things will really change and within minutes you go nah nah dude it was yes black people and white people are the same it's just the uh amount of money they have well it was a it was a moment where i think i've kind of like for the first time in my life understood that to be someone that gets into a position like being the president or

something like that the idea that that one person makes all the calls for all the decisions that get made about all the functions of our government and education system and and and and and it is you know first responders and cops and firefighters there's no way there's no way There's no way. There's no way. There's no way you can pin it on one guy. You just can't do it. It's nuts. It's an American. Name one president that has affected your life that your life wouldn't have gone that way regardless. Ronald Reagan.

Him and his wife. What happened? What happened to you that Ronald Reagan fucked up everything for your life specifically? Just say no. They're people, dude. They said just say no. Kim Jong-il.

Listen, I'm a fan of Narcos. It's on Netflix. I haven't watched it yet. Get on it. Immediately. Spoiler alert. You know why I haven't watched it yet? Because I think that I have things I have to do.

And I don't. And I don't. So I'm putting off Narcos until I have some time off from the life I have that's sedentary anyway. But I have a list. What is it? Creating a murderer? I told you I'm too drunk to be on this podcast. Making a murderer. Have you gone there yet?

If you have not watched The Staircase, watch that and then watch Making a Murderer. Because Making a Murderer will make you very upset for about 24 hours. And then you, in hindsight, go, yeah, he probably did it. Watch the staircase, which is like 15 years old, where they give full access to the prosecution as well. Making a Murderer is completely biased. They're trying to make you think that guy's innocent. Then you find out behind the scenes, oh, that girl from the auto trader,

he had called several times, answered the door in a bathrobe once. He was trying to get, she asked to not have to go there, the guy he murdered right Actually, he did murder sue me The staircase by the way is available on Netflix, but only on disc you have to order it This is a big staircase giant spoiler alert this Whitney Cummings say to watch that was her recommend staircase

Oh, you know what? I would bunch? You know what? I would fuck Whitney. I would fuck Whitney Cummings if I could just change her act. You heard it here first. Her sister is my yoga teacher. She's very nice. Let's not get

fucking five degrees of Kevin Bacon up in this bitch. Jesus Christ. Whitney, that was just a callback to an earlier joke, and it's not at your expense. Riders on the storm. Get me out of here. I'm fucking drunk. I gotta go home. I booked a ticket. I gotta leave tomorrow.

What's happening? Nine. Are you okay? A.M.? No, I fucking left. I came here. A.M.? I didn't say which nine, but I have to leave at nine. Well, it can't be PM. That's a long time from now. I have no sympathy if it's PM. I'm drunk as

shit. We're still okay. We're good. We're alright. Hannigan, you're in charge of this fucking ship, right? I had a question for you, Joe. You have a fucking notebook. He has a question for you, Joe. You used two phrases. Are they your phrases or did they come from somewhere Obsessive struggle

And mental mortgage I don't think I can claim Either one of them But obsessive struggle The first time I said it I think was just then I don't believe I've said that before But the idea Amy Schumer said it

Someone had to throw it I don't believe I've said that before. Okay. But the idea is being in my head. Amy Schumer said it. Someone had to throw it. Someone had to swing at a tee ball. We should be careful about how we express our opinion about this Amy Schumer thing without being completely serious. Okay. No, yeah. It's another podcast. I'm too drunk to defend my... I don't want to jeopardize Doug's career.

You live here. I don't live around comedy. You have more knowledge. I would defend Amy Schumer, but with blanks, because I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. But I do know... I think what's been proven is that the real egregious ones that people believe are an issue were written by other people, written by writers.

That's why I was going to use Amy Schumer, who I know nothing about other than I laughed at her special, but there were times where Bill Maher did shit where you go, that's fucking mine. Because I'm a... Yeah. I don't think it's his fault, though. I'm not a pedestrian fucking comic

and I would blame the writers, but I don't care, because I can write other shit. Well, there was a time where they kicked writers out of the back of the comedy store, because they were writing for a sketch show and they were going on stage, these comics

going on stage, and coming up with these funny premises that would wind up on these television sketch shows. It would wind up being acted out in a sketch. And the people that were the writers of this sketch show would go to the comedy store and sit in the back room and they got kicked out. Wow. Yeah, and they got kicked out because they were,

you know, this was like in the 90s-ish. You could get away with doing that kind of shit you know well it's not it's like to to put it all on her shoulders is where it gets weird it's like who the fuck knows who's writing those sketches you know who knows who's writing those things the point is if she's already said it then it should be done if she said it publicly if you're in the back of the comedy store when someone's working out some shit, I've had several people do

shit that I already put out on DVD. One of them became famous because of one of Kevin Booth's word of mouth bit. He's admitted to me that he stole that bit.

But I stopped doing that because I put it on a DVD. And he's a nice guy. He's got some problems. But I don't give a fuck. I've got real problems in life. It's just become... It's not like saying that someone comes up with somebody else's idea

they can never come up with their own. Because you still can. But you're way better off just trying to come up with all your own ideas. If you came out with a story about euthanizing your own mother or attending that euthanization. Like your bit. I already put it out. I don't give a fuck well it would the only way someone would ever be able to get away with it

is if it was their experience and they acknowledge that they had heard of your experience as well like if someone became famous because of that and yeah but and you're going but if some open mic or tried to do it who you're gonna be fucking called out eventually fuck you i don't

care i'm my life moves on i have real problems in my life but let me ask you this because that's an intensely personal thing if uh an open mic er say really did have an experience where his mother wanted him to help her commit suicide and he went through with it and she died and he decided to do a bit about it but acknowledging that he had seen your bit as well like Like, not going down the same... If he went through with it, he wouldn't not have to acknowledge me at all. Well, I think you should. If someone stole that blatantly from me,

that's a different story. But to eliminate doubt. And I still wouldn't give a fuck because I have real problems. But to eliminate doubt. Like, if a guy only has on stage an hour, right? You don't want anybody in a state of confusion going doug stanhope does a joke about you know putting his mother to death you have to address that

because it's a big joke that you have like it's like it's it's a really like well respected and enjoyed joke so if someone was a doug stanhope fan and they came to see this new dude, and this new dude really did have to help his mom kill herself, right? And he said, well, I just have to say, before I talk about this, one of my favorite comedians, Doug Stanhope, or a guy I think is fairly mediocre but extremely exciting, like whatever description he has for you, he should have to admit, I'm a Doug Stanhope fan. I've listened to his comedy. I think he's great and I couldn't believe this was happening to me as well.

Like Dan, he's talking about his own life experience. You can't eliminate a person's life experience from their repertoire, right? But I think to make it easier for everybody listening, they should probably acknowledge. Like if someone did have to help their mom commit suicide,

they should have to say in some sort of a way, if they shouldn't have to, but it would be smart to say. I've done that where I go, like so-and-so said, yeah, but this happened to me. Yeah.

No one's good. A question would be, a question would be like, but going back to something Joe said earlier, which was, what if that person is Chris Rock, who's so much bigger and nobody knows who the fuck you are?

Well, then you ask Joe Rogan to step in and go, I'm sorry, Carlos, but Ari already did that. And then you crush... There's not a whole lot of guys that get to that spot his career and I don't know if it's because you deflated

his ego so much or his confidence or the people spoke out but after that incident he disappeared he went down to my level where if we're doing a Wednesday at the Cleveland Improv one where if we're doing a wednesday at the cleveland improv

one show only he's doing a thursday or vice versa but honestly that is not a bad thing like what his life is is really good if he's headlining yeah in these really nice clubs all over the country he's not like in a bad place you know what happened there was all judgment aside what uh there was like a blip in the matrix there was a problem with the the the operating system there was a real issue with how things were going and guys like all of us anybody that was watching it was going well people are being they're being fucking victimized here like we had a real problem here like someone's taking it wasn't even taken from me he wasn't taken from you but it was some weird parasitic situation

that had been accepted into the community because of sort of i don't like the term reverse racism but there's some some weird thing about choosing to like pretend that some guy's mexican just because you think there's a market for mexicans and this guy goes in there and starts stealing people's bits and everybody accepts everything and then the artists are sit back sitting back on what the fuck are you doing like you guys have found some weird at vein some weird river of revenue and this and attention and in this river of revenue and attention. And in this river of revenue and attention, you have to have a specific sort of stereotypical ethnicity. So let's change your name.

But that's exactly where you should not give a fuck. Because those are not the people you want to talk to. The whole idea that, well, oh, he only likes them. That's why I always hate the audience instead of the artist. If you can fucking, if you can be a televangelist and make a lot of people clap, yeah, I'm going to hate you,

but I can't hate you too much because you've got, just like we have, we have a cult. You have a cult. I have a cult. Our cults co-mingle, but we're, we have a cult. You have a cult. I have a cult. Our cults co-mingle. But we're fucking leaders of a cult.

How dare you, Doug Stanhope, reveal the game. You have fucking t-shirts for your cult. Well, they're just cool t-shirts. They're great. This is K-Man Coffee. This is Tate Fletcher's shirt. Point is, people want to be led and you get upset when they're led poorly by some he's not even mexican well they don't give a fuck well that's not the

issue it's the audience is always the problem no people didn't feel like they could go on stage in front of him if they weren't famous because he would do their stuff on Comedy Central. Right. And their stuff would no longer be their stuff. Because if a guy's, you know, Lupe Fiasco and he's going up fucking Thursday night at the comedy store. I've been out of the loop for a while, but there's a million channels between the internet and TV and everything.

the internet and TV and everything. So I could actually steal people's material and they would never know because it's such a broad spectrum. Not everyone. There's not four channels like when we were kids. And oh, he said that on Johnny Carson last night. You could steal material. Fucking Fitzsimmons right fitzsimmons had a bit on one of his cds that was one of my bits i know he didn't steal it and then i had one a bit and i called him up and i go you know what you had one of my bits, and I'm doing one of your bits.

And he's like, I don't give a fuck. Well, Fitzsimmons, he's a guy, if somehow or another you guys tread on the same territory, it's not by accident. I mean, it's not on purpose. It's definitely by accident. It's definitely a case of parallel thinking. But you would always know that if you know Fitzsimmons. a case of parallel thinking. But you would always know that if you know Fitzsimmons. But I felt very comfortable in doing that bit

even after I heard Fitzsimmons do it on a CD. Because I know he knows I didn't steal it. Of course. I thought of this. I know you. Comedy is used to be a very small community.

Maybe it's bigger when you live in LA. Well, it is with a guy like Fitzsimmons. You know, with Fitzsimmons, it's a real small community because he'll be 100% real with you. You know, if you've talked to him about... No fucking Fitzsimmons. Yeah, he's not.

There's like, he doesn't, it's not possible for him to be a thief. It'd be like breathing underwater. Like, he's never going to be a thief. Bill Burr. 100%. Same thing. One of the things we filmed for the BBC, I'm like, I have this, it's just a riffing topical thing.

And I called him up. I go, did you do that? I swear I heard this on your podcast. And he goes, I don't remember saying that. I go, are you sure? Because I'm about to do this thing for the BBC riffing on concussions or something. And I still swear he did it, but he doesn't know. He goes, no, I don't remember saying that.

Go ahead and do it. But thanks. Good heads up. So do you think you heard it from him or do you think you also thought of it? No, I think I heard it from him. And I checked with him and he swears he never said it. How can you remember? No one talks more than him, if you think about it, because he's the only one talking on most of his podcasts.

I know. I don't remember my podcast after I... Either he brings his wife in, and they have a little chit-chat, or it's him by himself. I've got to go. Did I ruin it with my Bill Burr impression? I thought I did a great Bill Burr and somebody goes, stop doing that. One person tweeted, stop thinking you sound like Bill Burr. One person.

And it got my head. Ruins the whole party. You fucking cocksuckers. Fuck them. Burr is the most. You fucking cocksuckuckers Burr is the most amazing podcast to me because it's just Burr it's just him have you done a podcast with him before

one time it was a terrible morning we just gotta wind him up Burr is one of those guys he'll change subjects in the middle of talking. He'll turn another corner and take you down a road, another rant, and turn another corner, take another rant.

You just got to like enjoy the ride. He treated me like with such kit gloves. I was so fucked up wearing a leisure suit. You insisted on me driving with the top down? I'd just done four hours of blow with a fucking musical artist named Marilyn. How dare you? How dare you kiss and tell? Sweating fucking just olive oil.

It was a good Hollywood moment. Burr's one of the guys that I most look forward to watching right now. Like if I was a stand-up comedy fan, if I'd never done stand-up before and I was like, what do I like? I would go see Burr every chance I could. Burr and Joey Diaz.

If you could just give me Burr and Joey Diaz at the same comedy club every weekend. You could live in Bisbee, Arizona. Just have Burr and Joey Diaz every weekend. I would take Joey over Burr only because I like to see the chance of a flame out. It's the difference between IndyCar driving and going to Tonopah Speedway

where everyone has a fucking Vega with a Cessna engine jacked up into it and they hope it'll work. Did you ever see that video of that guy? Is this Tony Stewart, the guy that killed that guy on the racetrack? Yeah. Some guy got out of his car. Tony Stewart hit him with his car.

It's so crazy to watch. But I remember thinking, like, that guy in NASCAR. Like, that's NASCAR. That Tony Stewart guy. That guy drives on the dirt, too? Like, he like he drives on the dirt and like a dune buggy and the people he drives with they get mad they get out of their fucking car and you run them over like what what they get out of their fucking car could you imagine if someone in NASCAR got out of their fucking car. How fast are those guys going? I have no idea.

200 miles an hour? Something like that, yeah. Oh. But that's kind of the same thing, right? Yeah. Kind of the same thing. But it's the idea that you'd get out and stand in the way of a car. That was bizarre.

The guy got out and stood there. I think because the Tony Stewart guy's car hit his car, and so he got out. Oh, Jesus, Jamie. Why did you make us watch that? Dude got tumbled under that car. Oh, God. That's so awful.

Downer for the end. Dead? That's so awful. Well, he was dead. Oh, yeah, he's dead. Yeah, that guy's dead. And his whole family was upset. And they blamed it on the driver.

His family was upset because he was killed? They blamed it on the driver. Really? His family was upset because he was killed? They blamed it on the driver. I don't know enough about driving. I don't know enough about driving to determine whether or not he did something wrong. I know enough tonight I can drive him fine. Yee-haw! I know enough about lawyers. Right, but how does one make the distinction whether or not he's at fault?

That's a tricky distinction, right? I mean, that guy just standing out there in the middle of the track, that's insane. He was watching football yesterday. We were watching fucking helmet-to-helmet contact. That's assault and battery, like, intent to fuck. That's attempted murder, basically basically you're maiming people in a way i mean you're smashing people if i if i headbutted some dude at a bar could could i get a 15 yard penalty and that's it but here's the question can you totally 100%

be responsible for head-on-head collisions if you didn't intend them to be a head-on-head collision and you're running full clip towards some guy who's trying to not have you tackle him like some crazy shit happens right like you have to take that into consideration but if it is intentional would it not completely go to the criminal element where you go yes if it was against the law if it was against the rules, it was assault. What's in hockey? Brashear, I think, where you get fucking whacked with a stick, and the guy did time. Horrific. That was horrific.

See, hockey's a problem. And here's one of the problems with hockey. It's awesome. That's one problem. And one of the reasons why it's awesome is they let them fight. Oh, no, it's awesome because of HD. Now when you have 60 inches of high definition, now you can watch this fucking sport and you love it. Well, I love hockey, too, for the same reason I love music.

Because I have zero fucking talent. I can't even skate. If I got on skates, I'll fall flat on my ass. I'm just retarded. We did play basketball at a whorehouse once. And yeah. Riders on the storm. My basketball's not good. Yeah, yeah. Joe Rogan.

Ice skating's worse. Joe Rogan is as talented as me at shooting horse. I know a few things. Hey, can I drop Dennis Hoff's name because he doesn't get enough publicity on his own? Before we get out of here, Doug Stanhope, I want to just tell you. I'm leaving now.

You finish up. I'm going. I just want to tell you. I love what you're doing. And I love listening to your podcast. I love hearing about your antics down there in Bisbee. And I wish you would just run for mayor of Bisbee and

take over. And then we buy a comedy club and we just fucking, you know, we get the bar free because those people, they can't pay any money. They get angry. I have a comedy club in my house. That's right. That's what I hear.

It's going to work. It's going to work? It's already working, correct? No, just for comics. You found a special in your house, right? Yes. And, uh, except for the lighting. Ah, shut up. Was it too bright? Yeah, it was too bright. You can never guess it.

Did you guys plan this in advance? No, no. I took, I had an hour's worth of shit that either i hadn't done on tape or got cut out of other specials because to make it an hour and i go well we're filming here anyway we have a crew let's film one right in the house at the fun house you know put 35 people tightly packed and it fucking killed except it when you see the footage it was too brightly lit yeah we explained that you could do the reverse of what the internet do you could use a negative

filter so a filter that makes it look like more gloomy like maybe like a Batman movie it should try to make it gloomy, like maybe like a Batman movie. He told me you can fix it. You should try to make it gloomy. Don't worry, it'll be fixed. You can do it. The point is, the audience was great, and the audience are my friends, and they will laugh all the time, and I can film comics I like, rather than say, hey, go bananas, will you book my friend?

Right, right, right. Hey, let's film it right here. And my friends, I can pack my own house every fucking weekend and film DVDs. I think you should do a show with all candlelight. Just a small theater. I had candlelight. I had those fake little candles. But someone overlit the motherfucker.

No, your house was badly wired. Your house was badly wired. Yes. I wasn't engaged in that job. Wow. Listen, I can understand dealing with unexpected... I'm hard to work with.

I know what you're saying. Electricity and weird, badly wired houses. We've got a great partnership, though. No, you guys are an interesting group. Yeah, I know what you're saying electricity and weird badly wired houses. Yeah We've got a great partnership though. No, you guys are an interesting group. You really are two of you together seem to work well Throw me out. Why is that not a fucking thing? Well, there's two things about yeah, go on go on Well three things one. I can't find a pack of cigarettes. Oh, wait. I gave you fucking 400 cigarettes. Jesus Christ.

He's got a carton in there. He's been fucking someone in Mexico he won't talk about, so he keeps talking. He keeps coming back from Mexico every two weeks with duty free. Is this a family friendly podcast or something? Not anymore. Alright.

Fuck, now I can't remember the goddamn things I wanted to... Swapcast. Swapcast. Swapcast. I can't do it here because you do this live. When we do podcasts, a lot of people are drinking and they say shit. They go, oh fuck, did I

mention his name? So we edit everything. But if there's two comedians that both have podcasts doing a podcast together, it should be a swap cast where you both put it out, two birds, one stone. Yeah, that's a good move. Yeah. And I've been pitching this since I've been doing it. Well, you could take this one if you want. Well, there's probably some cunt out going there.

Oh, Stan Hope already did it. No, I'm saying you should steal that idea. Well, I think that... Can't do it with you. Well, you definitely could do it with me. You could definitely take it. We'll give you a copy of it. I think that regardless of how many people are listening, whether it's 10 or a million or 10 million, who gives a shit?

Everybody was just sort of like distribute it. You know, the whole the beautiful thing about podcasts is that everybody can get them for free. And it doesn't it doesn't hurt me to give you the copy of our show. And, you know, it shouldn't hurt you. It's not it's all you know, I want I want people to listen to your show because i listen to it like there's plenty of that creep me out well that i listened that you had the time to listen i know you do eight podcasts a day figure shit out man i got time i just don't waste it i get shit done i know we have sat i realized if i didn't drink i'd have eight more hours in every day we have sat in the fun house in Bisbee and looked at Joe Rogan's activity on a spreadsheet and tried to work out when it is you're sleeping.

We're like, hi, on a minute. He's doing this, this, and this. This never really happened, but it's fun. Well, even if you did, I'm telling you, it just seems way more impressive than it is. It's not that impressive. Because most days like if jamie and i do a podcast we work for three hours maximum he works more than me he might work four and a half and we're done and we do that like three days a week and that's it so there's

a podcast right and then then there's the the fake research that goes into finding podcast guests which is just really just shit i'm interested in i never think like wow i've got a he's good no who's that who is uh he's this a character you're gonna come in in a wig no and a fucking right you're right cool have you had rad radley balco on yet uh andy cop he used to work for uh reason now he's huffington post oh is it he's Huffington Post. Oh, is he? He's the guy that gets... He's an investigative journalist that does all the cops that stop people and bust them and steal their shit. What's that called? He wrote a book last year, The Rise of the Warrior Culp. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. No, I have that book, man. Right. He's fucking brilliant. Yeah, I have that book. That's one of those books that I started, and then I just got distracted. I never finished it. Get him in.

Fucking unbelievable. It's not even their fault, man. That'll get your dander up. That's the same thing. We were talking about it earlier, and I really believe it. Book in my office. Now I'm motivated. Technology progresses, and as long as people stay alive and you can feed them and there's

no famine, there's no diseases, technology is going to continue to progress. I think that, like, the same thing happens with, like, enforcing the law, whether it comes or trying to make money or whatever it is that people pursue. They try to improve upon whatever results they've had the previous trimester, semester, year, quarter, whatever the fuck it is. It's just an inherent part of being a person. So if it's about busting people, you want to bust more fucking people. Exactly. It's just, it's a game.

It becomes, and busting you becomes a game. And as soon as there's like a win-loss, then you're getting people that are addicted to like winning in football or baseball or fucking whatever else it is. Or dancing with the stars. Yes. When is dancing why? That's a competition now? Thank God, it's finally a competition. For years, people have

not been judged for their expression of movement. And no one would watch it. And it's bullshit. No one would watch it until it became a competition. It should be. That's right. It's one of your bits. it became a competition. It should be. That's right. It's one of your bits. Yeah.

Everything's one of our bits. I know. The opera singing. It already becomes a bit. Bats love the opera stars. When we've been doing it this long, you realize you're just doing an old bit. Yeah. In a way. It's always something you thought of before,

and now you're saying it different on a podcast in a conversational way, and then you go, eh. And even in the most original thought, there's still a rhythm to it, right? There's still that rhythm of three that we all follow, that for some reason works, and nobody knows. Trained into it. Well, trained into it a little. No, I don't know if genetics are real.

Whatever it is. Whatever it is. I, I don't know if genetics are real. Whatever it is. Whatever it is. I mean, of course I know genetics are real. But I don't know if expressing ideas through jokes from one parent to child, I don't know if that's possible. But people believe it is. They believe that it's possible that memes and even racism might be passed from... And I don't mean memes like internet memes, but like ideas. Like ideas might be able to be passed from, and I don't mean memes like internet memes, but like ideas. Like ideas might be able to be passed,

like the reaction and contemplation and solution of an idea might be passed from parent to child, where the child almost immediately goes to the same resolution or solution that the parent did, almost instinctively, like they have it programmed in their genome. But it's really controversial. You've seen the footage of the monkeys with the salt. Yeah, that's exactly what that is. It is, yeah, in a lot of ways.

They've done it with mice where they've figured out a way to, they have a citrus smell, and they would spray the citrus smell, they would smell it, and they would shock their feet. And the mice offspring who did not experience the same experiment, still, when they would blast the citrus smell, they would smell it, and they would shock their feet. And the mice offspring, who did not experience the same experiment, still when they would blast the citrus smell, they would have some sort of reaction, like a stress

reaction to something coming at them. I jerked off to the same video last night, but I was coked off. How dare you. Who is the original How Dare You? It's not me. It's definitely not me.

I don't know who I got it from. It's been around. It probably was like Sirius originally. I was going to say Stern, but... Maybe. How Dare You? Was it? Well, Stern originated everything.

Hey, now. Was that the guy from Larry Sanders? That was Larry Sanders. Oh, yeah, yeah. Repeat that. Yeah. That guy was crazy. He was awesome.

I gotta go. I'm drunk. It's over. Doug Stanhope. I have to drive really fast. Our podcast is done. Brian Hennigan, tell the people how to follow you on the Twitter and all the Instagram. I didn't plug my book.

Yes, I'm Brian Hennigan. I'm not done, Doug Stanhope. Yeah. Relax. We're not out of time. Hey. There is no network here. There's no one to yell at you about stiff versus hard.

I can't hear you. What was that? Hennigan. I am Brian Hennigan. I'm Mr. Hennigan on Twitter and Instagram. And you have a book coming out, I understand. I have a novel that's out just now. It's a republication of my first novel that was published in the UK a while ago.

And it got great reviews and it was never published in the US. Beautiful. It's fiction. I never read fiction. And I try to read his book but i know him so i'm listening to the first 30 40 pages in his voice and then then i got past that and it was funny as shit so i went to uh his apartment i was staying there when he was away, and I just left it with the last three pages unread. Like, I read the whole book and became so disinterested I didn't care about the last three pages

and left it open like that. He didn't notice. That's true. That's probably a good sign. My book, Digging Up Mother. Oh, yeah. Joe Rogan is a name checked in on Amazon. You can pre-order that.

And it will be available in the UK. Douglas, my boy, will there be more visits to Los Angeles? Unfortunately, yes. Yes. Why don't you just try to be one of those intercontinental motherfuckers and get yourself a fat spread out here and use some of that stand up comedy loot to make your life look more ludicrous

we're waiting for someone to move out of our rent control apartment building that's all well and good but I think in the interest of in the interest of oh my god if I could have stood this whole time um altruism help for the young comics Oh my god, if I could have stood this whole time.

Altruism. You know, help for the young comics. Maybe perhaps that rent-controlled apartment could be some sort of a local dive, like shack place where people can go and stay for the night. Young comics to us are guys who have only been doing it for 15 years. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm talking about. And you can get a nice place where Sarah Silverman lives. We get a view. A dude who

parks your car for you. Come on, Doug Stanhope. All right. Wrap it up. We're going to wrap this up,

Jamie. Thank you, America. We appreciate everything about you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Kettlebells. Sorry, I was really fucked up for the last hour.