The Joe Rogan Experience - #753 - Hannibal Buress

Episode Date: January 27, 2016

Hannibal Buress is a stand-up comedian, actor, television writer and host. His latest special "Comic Camisado" premieres on February 5th on Netflix.

boom jamie's fast today damn how are you brother i'm good to see you man what's happening how you been i've been good glad to be back was the last time you were here was after all the cosby craziness or before no it was last time i was here was in 2014 right early 2014 so it was before march 2014 when i was doing the press Damn you gotta remember When I was doing The press for Live from Chicago My last special Oh that's right

Yeah What was that on? Comedy Central That was on Comedy Central But we're getting it On Netflix In advance of this special Me too

I'm doing I'm doing Netflix now From now on Yeah Yeah it's just like So easy Easy for people to get They can watch it

Wherever They can You know They can find it get. They can watch it wherever. They can find it months. They can watch it the day of. They can watch it months later. It's wherever. You can promote it whenever. It's just, I'm really excited for this one.

Yeah. No, Netflix is amazing. I've become a Netflix junkie over the last couple of months. All I do is watch that Narcos show. Have you seen Narcos? I saw the first couple. Whoa! It's pretty good.

God damn, that's a good show. It's a really good show. I'm seven episodes in, and every episode I'm white knuckling, just grabbing the couch like... I got to get back in. But yeah, I watched the first couple, and it was dope. But they have so much fucking money now.

They can do whatever they want. They can make TV shows that are like movies. Yeah. Sort of like how HBO does, you know? Yeah, they make some good stuff man and they're easy to to work with too who's the kid on your shirt uh some you know i did an interview yesterday uh with this this woman that was it was a thing for vice and so she gave me some some shirts she brought me some shirts from the store she had got them for free or whatever. So this is just my favorite shirt out of the three.

Just a cute little kid. It's fucking awesome. It could maybe be me. It kind of could be you. Maybe a little bit. The other shirts I did, it was one other shirt. It was a woman pulling down. It was a sketch

of a woman pulling down her pants standing over was a sketch of a woman pulling down her pants, standing over a dog. That's a bit weird. And there's another one that it's had, the text said, young Republican,

and then it was a person in a Klan outfit. And I was like, all right, I get what you're going for, but I'm still not rocking that. Yeah. So this was the winner

out of the three. That one, that's wearable. That's a cute kid. Yeah. Yeah. Young Republican. Yeah. Yeah. Young Republican. Stop.

Yeah. Stop, everybody. Stop. So what has it been like, man? You sunk the Cosby rape ship. I mean, I didn't expect to still be talking about it now i saw you in january yeah of last year at uh ufc uh and yeah so i didn't expect it to still be it's not about me you know what i mean but people made it but it's just about i did a joke and and and people kind of ran but it's not really

it's not a do with you it's not about me at all but that's that makes the story better for people but it's not uh it's not about me that's a good way of putting it it makes the story better it make it makes the yeah it's like oh he said it but it's like everybody was saying it yeah but it is strange though that, he said it. But it's like, who gives a shit? Everybody was saying it. Yeah, who gives a shit? Yeah. But it is strange, though, that just you saying it on stage for whatever reason, it getting into a video, and then all of a sudden everybody was like, yeah, is that shit true? Because everybody had heard about it. It was one of those things that everybody had kind of heard.

Like, you had heard rumors, but it was never anything, like, concrete, you know? You know what I mean? Yeah. But it was never anything like concrete, you know? You know what I mean? Yeah. And then all of a sudden, that was like the match that lit the fire. You know what really people forget about this part of it?

Because I remember being on, I was on tour in November 2014. I remember being on my tour bus and he put out this thing, Cosby Meme. Yes. And then it actually had died down a little bit. This was, let's say, November 10th-ish, 12th-ish, around that range. And he put out Cosby meme me, and you could go on his site, different images, and then people started saying stuff about it.

And then that's what made it take off again. People forget about that. Really? Yes. And it's actually, because I remember there being, like, Google Analytics about it, where it peaked for a little bit in mid-October somebody showed and then it dipped and then the Cosby meme is what set it back off again the internet is so fascinating yeah because nobody knows how to manage that kind of shit like if you're like a PR person

yeah there's nothing you can do first of all all, whoever did the meme thing, I'm convinced that the dude who did, I would imagine whoever did the meme thing was probably somebody who works on his website, right? So somebody who works on his website is like a web culture person, someone who understands the internet, some tech dude or woman. A tech person is going to know what the fuck is going to happen when they do that. I almost think they did it on purpose that's my conspiracy theory yeah yeah i think they they thought he was a piece of shit and they said look i got an idea i don't know man that's but it's definitely weird but i'm trying to you know

move on move on and i mean it's not it's uh it's it's as i continue this, it's not really about me. I talk about the reaction to it in my special, because it was really crazy. It was stressful, too, just to be in the, just casually, you know, going on social media or going on a site how I normally would. And then just seeing my name, you know what I mean? Not looking for it. Like not Googling myself, but just going to a site how I normally would and then just seeing my name you know what I mean not looking for it like not googling myself but just going to a site like Hannibal Buress like oh shit yeah well and originally initially at least people were mad at you yeah some still are really yeah that's crazy people just they like yeah they think I'm part of a it's it's a small amount of people,

like vocal, but they're vocal online, so it seems like it's more. Do you see that B.O.B. dude thinks that the earth is flat? Yeah. There's a lot of fucking strange people out there, but that's one of the big conspiracies was that Bill Cosby was trying to buy NBC and that they didn't want Bill Cosby to buy NBC, so they came out with all these fake charges. Yeah and then they gave me a role. They gave me my own TV show as a reward.

Yeah they gave you a TV show but you already had the TV show. That's what's so stupid. I had the deal in mid 2014. Well luckily you're a very funny talented guy so this isn't going to fuck you over yeah i mean and it was funny i could like as far as leaning into it dude like dozens and dozens of media requests yeah that i

didn't do good i came to my place one day in fucking i've been on the road for a couple weeks i come back to my apartment it's an inside edition business car slipped under my door it got into my building as if i would come home oh inside edition yeah i'm gonna go on there now they're very resourceful getting into my building but uh that's creepy it was it was really creepy like people getting my cell phone out of nowhere there you want to come in and talk about the joke it's like no but uh yeah it's all good bob thinks the world is flat and he was arguing with neil degrasse tyson so he wrote a diss song did you hear the song no i can't bring myself the song is at because bob is a pretty it's funny because the song, even though it's full of fallacies and wrong, the song sounds good.

And then Neil deGrasse Tyson, his nephew or somebody who's also in the science, he put out a song and his song sounds garbage. But it has the facts in it. But it sounds horrible. He has a horrible rap voice. His voice is sounding like, why is this guy rapping? This guy can teach me something. He could do a YouTube video about why, you know, Mentos explode in a goddamn Coca-Cola,

but I don't want to hear this guy rap. It was horrible. So it was weird. That's unfortunate that the truth gets a shitty voice. Internet is weird, man. I wonder how much if B.O.B. really believed that or if he just, because that's strategy. People know how to manipulate people.

You could say something contrarian and then people respond. I mean, that's the nature of when you know people like i got fans that'll and you probably had to say with fans will just be like fuck you piece of shit and you're like what's going on man he's like i'm a huge fan just wanted to get your attention that does happen uh and so i wonder if it's the same thing with like bob i know this will get people going because out of nowhere he doesn't tweet you I mean I haven't checked his history but I don't know if he

has posed any other scientific theories outside of this but out of nowhere he's like you know what I'm about to post 10 tweets about the world potentially being flat it's like I think he just wanted but there's a lot of people that believe it that's what's fucked up

Tila tequila But I mean come on When did you say Tila tequila When's the last time you said Tila tequila Before she said the world is flat That's true Tila tequila popped off on MySpace

We did Gathering of the Juggalos The same year You did the Gathering of the Juggalos I did Gathering of the Juggalos the same year. You did the Gathering of the Juggalos? I did Gathering of the Juggalos in 2010. How was that? It went well. I just did,

I did it for the stories and just for the experience and because they offered me more for one show than anybody was offering me

at that time. Yeah. Teal Tequila did porn. Yeah? Yeah. She did a good job. She did a good job? She did a good job.

She got potential in that market. I went to the AVNs. Oh, did you? Yeah. What's that like? This year? Yeah, I went this weekend in Vegas. How was it?

It was interesting. I went and walked the convention floor. At first, I was a little bit trying to play. I actually was self-conscious about being there. Like, is this bad? Is it, like, not a good look for me to be here? So people were asking to take pictures. Like, no, man, you didn't see me here.

Oh, you told people no? I told people no. But then afterwards, I loosened up and shit. But it was just, you know, talked to some porn stars, and it's just an interesting vibe. And walking around the convention floor, I felt comfortable being amongst other creeps. It's like, yes, everybody's gawking at me.

It was fun, though, man. Sat in the front row at the awards. Did you really? Yeah, next to Dana D'Armond. Oh, yeah, I know, man. Sat in the front row at the awards. Did you really? Yeah. Next to Dana D.R. Martin. Oh, yeah. I know Dana. And Ron Jeremy was to the left of her. Then some other porn lady was next to me.

And then Lexington Steel. And me. I think I was the only non-porn person in the first few rows. Doug Benson was there somewhere. I hope I'm not blowing his spot up or something no i'm sure everybody knows he's a creeper but i mean that in the best way it was uh interesting vibe man just you know these walking out rocking around with their shit out and it was uh yeah it's weird right because

everybody loves sex i mean sex is what it's one of the favorite things that people do yeah but the idea of filming it is something fucking real taboo about it real lockdown and taboo and and even like the admission that you enjoy it is controversial right even though it's a multi-billion dollar business with its own award show. So it's definitely doing it. Well, it's still a multi-billion dollar business and it's all free now.

That's what's fucked up about it. Because it used to be a multi-billion dollar business and it made sense because they were selling DVDs. But now the multi-billion dollar business is mostly pay-per-view in hotel rooms. Oh. That's where they make a lot of money. Dude.

Yeah. One time I was playing Zany's in St. Charles, which is about... It's a good gig. It's outside of Chicago. Yeah. About 45 minutes, an hour or so. And so, you know, if I had a car, I would have just went to the gig and went home every night. But I didn't have a car, so I got a ride out there, and I stayed there for the weekend.

I remember I didn't have a laptop. I didn't own a laptop at the time. This was like 2007 or some shit, 2000. And so I was like, I'm going to order some hotel porn. But the stuff I kept ordering, I ordered, it was soft porn, so it was showing no penetration or no anything. It was just like the grinded. And I was like, this fucking sucks.

I ordered another one, and it was still soft porn. And I ordered a third one, soft porn. So I spent $10 a pop on soft porn, and I kind of wanted to go to or call the front desk and be like

these movies aren't what I thought they were but I just I just ate the charges that's how it used to be in hotel rooms they'd show no penetration and they'd show

no cum shots yeah they would show like scenes of people on top of didn't Bill Hicks used to have a bit. Didn't Bill Hicks used to have a bit about it? Yeah.

Bill Hicks used to have a bit about hotel porn. Because they used to do, apparently the way they used to film scenes is they would film a hardcore scene and a softcore version. Yeah. So they would have like softcore scenes where they shot angles where they knew you couldn't see anything. And they did it specifically just for hotel rooms. Like all those hotel chains, like the Marriott's and all those, those are the biggest porn

sellers in the world. You don't think about it, but they're all in the porn business. They make a fuckload of money off of porn. Because I mean, they're charging now. How much is it now? Like 20 bucks or something? Probably. I haven't looked in a long time.

How dare you? How dare you lie to everybody? I know. I go on the internet. I haven't looked at that stuff. I think it's like 20 bucks. Yeah. Or somewhere close.

I mean, I guess that's the move if you want to watch porn on TV. Yeah. If you want to watch it on a big screen. But sometimes you can't even rewind on those. That's a problem. Yeah. Or pause. Yeah.

It's very restrictive what do you think because i got to think about this at the at the awards because they had awards for everything it's just best director what what makes a good porn director i feel like i could direct i think i think i could jump into porn directing kind of easy. If you just give me 12 hours to watch a bunch of different porn, give me the screeners for the best director nominees, I feel like I could mimic what they do within my third directing. Well, you got to think that there's not a whole lot to it because it's just sex. It's not like you're directing some car chase on a bridge

and there's a fucking monster coming after the people. no this is a real simple it's just fucking so yeah yeah but if you talk to the porn people they take that shit super seriously right i wrote a piece on my blog a long time ago about a porn party because i had a buddy that i used to do jujitsu with who was a director for a porn company yeah and he held a party for the release of this film that he made that he was it was like an art film and what he wanted to do was make a real movie with a real plot and real dialogue but have people fucking it yeah and we we didn't know what it was we're just a bunch of guys from jiu-jitsu he invited us to the party we all went we're like what the fuck's going on here so they

have this projection screen and they start playing the scenes So they play this movie and he gets out there And he's talking about it like they said this couldn't be done They said that what I was doing was just the industry wouldn't accept it, but I did it. I'm here And I show them and not yeah, yeah, the porn people this is back when porn made money right? We're talking like early 2000s like 2001 or something like that so then um like we're watching the scene right the scene's ridiculous this this is ass to mouth scene this dude's banging this chick in the ass then fucking her mouth and she's making these these gagging otter

noises like then someone says she's here and car pulls up, and the girl gets out, the girl who's in the scene, and she gets out with a dude. And the dude gets out, looks at the screen, looks at her, raises his hand like this, and she's like, and he's like, you know, he's making these, like, we can't see what he's saying, but he's like, why didn't you tell me? And she's like, I was gonna, I was gonna tell you. And so we're like, do you think that he didn't you tell me and she's like i was gonna i was gonna tell you

and so we're like do you think that he didn't know that she was a porn star like do you think that he didn't know maybe he didn't know so we had to figure it out right so i go hey man i go come here for a second so the dude comes over and and i go um did you not know that uh that she was gonna be in film he goes dude i thought she was a hairdresser i go come on he goes yeah she told me she does hairdressing and makeup i go are you fucking kidding me and she took him to this party yeah she took him there she lied she met him at like some some bar how long ago how long before the party i think like the day before okay yeah i mean she don't owe him shit. That's true. That's true. She tried to show him what she's capable of, what he could have. I wish I knew specifically how long they knew each other.

I don't think it was very long. I think it was real soon. If it's a week, she's trying to show him what's up. I guess. And just tried to surprise him. It was more like, hey, look what the fuck I'm up to. You want some of that? Let's go.

I guess. But he came at the right time because it was just ass, mouth, ass, mouth. The way I describe it was like the dude's ball slapping against her ass was like two chalk erasers. Like chalkboard. Slap, slap, slap, slap. And then he would go from that to her mouth. So it was like, slap, slap, slap, slap. And that's right where homeboy walked in, got out of the car, and was like, what in the fuck?

I got pictures of them together. I got pictures of him and us. It's all online. You can find it on, her name was Gia Paloma. She was like a famous porn star back in the day. I think she's since retired. So short life, those young gals. It's not like something you could do like Meryl Streep deep into your 50s.

Well, it's Nina Hartley. Does she still do it? I saw her at the convention. She had a long line of people waiting for her. Well, she's a rare one. Yeah. She's a rare one. Especially for girls, right?

Yeah. She's odd though, man. She did Kevin Pereira's podcast and I was there for a little bit because I just happened to be It was at the ice house and let me sit in with her for a little bit But she was talking about how when whenever she fucks she doesn't just make people wear condoms. She makes people wear gloves What do you put oh you found the pictures? Yeah? She doesn't see this is all true. Oh That's them. that's the girl that's

the guy and what's the what's the uh caption i don't know man and the dude and the slut low not even that hot that's not my uh no that's from uh i'll go cliff notes oh this you talked about it on one before yeah okay well there's blog. The blog should still be up on my website, is it? I found it on a bodybuilding message board. Someone like copy and pasted the whole blog. Did you follow up with them at all? Any update? No, but I did run into the dude one day at Chipotle.

Like way back in the day. Or not Chipotle. One of them Mexican joints. But it was... But that is 100% true. A little fresh-faced young fella. He looked like just an innocent young kid from the valley. Had no fucking idea.

He was a nice guy. He had a great sense of humor, I'll tell you that, man. Because he was definitely dumbfounded by the experience, but laughing a lot. He was laughing. He wasn't upset. Like, damn, I was going to marry her. Was he laughing, laughing, or was it nervous? Well, it was both. That's not a good picture of her.

She's an attractive girl. He probably thought, hey, this girl's cool, man. We're going to get our freak on. This is awesome. Meanwhile. Slap, awesome meanwhile slap slap slap i think i think he probably still went for it i couldn't could be yeah you never know you never know i had a weird conversation with a dude who was there too but he was a male porn star he was talking very serious about how he has to keep his edge and i was like what do you mean i said you got to keep your edge you can't can't relax when you're on the set you

gotta keep your edge and I go well what do you mean by that he's like you gotta always be ready to fuck you always be ready like I want to go like right now like really like that's how you like you like on the set sort of like it's probably suck yeah I mean some mental stuff to that, man. Of course. Yeah. This is pre-Viagra. Yeah. I mean, we're talking about 2000, 2001. I don't think they had Viagra back then.

I don't think they did. I don't know what type of stuff they say to themselves in their head while they're doing it to Mac. Well, back then. Let's find out. Find out when they invented Viagra, Jamie. Viagra was, I feel like, 90s, mid-90s. Really? Could be.

Yeah. I feel like Viagra was 98-ish. Look at you. You fucking nailed it. March 27th, 98-ish. Jesus Christ, Hannibal. How good are you? How did you nail it like that?

I just remember it being, I just remember the stories in high school and shit. Around then, I just remember it being, and you know how everybody was making those late night jokes about it. Oh, that's true. That same joke. Yeah, over and over and over. If I get an erection for five hours, call the doctor. If I get an erection for five hours, call another girl. Call another. Yeah, that's one of those jokes that nobody could say they got ripped off.

That is a joke that fucking everybody did. What is your take on all this Amy Schumer shit? I don't know. I've been looking at it. I've been looking at it. I don't think she would take jokes. I don't think she would take jokes I don't think she would take and a lot of the jokes that they've been talking

I like not have you seen the most recent ones? what's the most recent one? there's a gang of them they put together some compilations there's a few of them that are they're definitely suspicious but the problem is

when you're looking like this you know when you're like going scouring all the hours of stand-up that i'm sure she's done places you can find similar premises and shit like that i think the real issue is whoever wrote for the sketch show yeah whoever wrote those sketches at the very least there's an originality problem at the very least but there's there's like like the kathleen madigan one is a real egregious one because you could totally come up with the same idea that Kathleen Madigan had about someone slapping food out of your

mouth. Yeah. As a matter of fact, someone said, I think Ari Shaffir said that that used to be on the Flintstones. There was an episode of the Flintstones where Fred was trying to lose weight and so he had like a robot that would slap food out of his mouth yeah or something along those lines see see if you can find that but um but the fact that it was the same two bits back to back like kathleen had that and kathleen had you know i would hire

somebody kathleen madigan's bit was about oprah about how oprah's so rich like how could she be so fat if i was that rich i'd have people slap food out of my mouth. I would hire someone to exercise me while I slept like a baby with cerebral palsy. So they go from the slap thing right to the exercise you while you're asleep. But back to back. It's too close. Then there was this one from College Humor that was a sketch about the audition for Two Girls, One Cup, and it's the exact same setup. I mean, fucking Fred.

Oh, look at that. See? He's got someone, he hired someone to knock food out of his mouth. Yeah. Yeah. That's not the most original idea, people have thought that before. The real problem is they're back-to-back. The same thing, back-to-back. Then there's this, the college humor one, which is the fucking exact same setup. They're in the office. They're going through the audition process for Two Girls, One Cup. I mean, it's the same fucking thing.

And there's a couple other ones. So there's an originality problem with somebody, you know? Yeah. I didn't know that college humor bit so like say if i was doing a sketch show and someone came to me while we were doing the sketch show and said hey how about we do a sketch about the audition process for two girls one cop i'd be like that's fucking great yeah what do we do how do we do it so she might not have had any knowledge at all that those other bits existed. Like there's so much content out there today. To be aware of every premise and every bit is almost impossible. It's tough, man.

And I tried to do when I was doing my show, I would get pitch stuff and I would try to I don't know all comedy, obviously. But sometimes I think I would try to remember stuff, but you can't remember everything. Well, back in the day, we kicked people from In Living Color out of the comedy store. I should say we. I had nothing to do with it, but when I was there,

the comics were complaining so much that they got them kicked out. Actually, I had nothing to do with it, but I remember being like, oh, this is cool. They kicked the writers out because they had these writers that would come and they would hang out at the in the back of the Comedy store and then they would those sketches would appear on television They would take people's premises and turn them into sketches. It was a real problem

It's like this is in the 90s like the early 90s. Yeah, and So it has happened and my friend Kevin had a showcase for all these writers. And he did this bit about muffins. He used to have this closing bit that he used to do about muffins. That if someone wants a piece of your muffin, you don't give them the muffin top. You can have all the muffins. James, he had a bit that he did. He had a showcase for NBC. He had a development deal with NBC.

Stump you want, but you can't be fucking with them. It was a funny bit. And Kevin, he's a funny guy. And Kevin is, I mean, first of all, his bit was way before the Seinfeld episode, but he's not a thief at all. So then that bit came out in the exact form on an episode of Seinfeld.

And this is NBC writers who went to see him live. That shit happens all the time. Those guys have to produce, and some of them aren't that good I've had fucking I've had some development deals with writers and Or some development deals, and then you meet with writers, and you read some of the stuff They write and these guys had this is in the 90s right, so this is like the sitcom boom friends and shit This is when I was on news radio And these guys had big deals where they were getting a lot of money and they were fucking garbage right terrible writers

Terrible yeah, and they get they get desperado man And they need premises and they'll go to comic clubs no fucking steal, and it was a huge problem It's been a huge problem for a long time so So you take away those sketches you go well You know I don't necessarily think you can make her responsible for those sketches. Cause there's no way, like if you were going to do your show and you had a premise that somebody pitched you, what are you going to do? You're going to go online and say, Hey, has anybody heard this premise before? You're not going to do that. You have to ask around your friends and your friends might not know. You could

ask me and I've been doing standup for 26 fucking years. I might not know. You know, there's, you might ask 10 people and those ten people don't know but then that big guts on television someone goes Jesus Christ I saw that on mad TV yeah that was another one there was a mad TV one there was a mad TV TV one it was the exact same premise it was about a woman it was about Amy talking to a woman at the counter of a store and someone had helped her you know the person who helps her gets commission and she couldn't say it was a black guy. So she was trying a way to

say it without saying it's a black guy. She's like, um, he had dark eyes. You know, and like, it's but the same exact premise as Mad TV. Did she know about the Mad TV? Who the fuck watched Mad TV? I never watched it.

Yeah. You ever watch it? I watched some of it, but not. Maybe twice, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how, they were on for a hundred years. Mad TV was on forever. Like, how could you, how could you know all the sketches? I didn't realize how racist it was when I was watching it, but the nail lady sketch. That's a good sketch that made that girl no not bunk not the bunk week we oh no let's talk about the one the lady that ran the nail shop uh angela johnson no no no this was i think this is even before angela johnson was on the show. This was like early in Mad TV. It was one of their signature sketches. Really?

Yes. I forget what her catchphrase was. Man, I'm getting old, man. I don't remember shit anymore. Do you smoke weed? Occasionally. That's probably the problem. Occasionally. No, Nat, I definitely don't smoke as much as you.

I'll get you some Alpha Brain, sir. Some Alpha Brain? I'll get you some. I'm going to hook you up. We're out of here. I'll give you a, I got Lick. I got Instant. Okay.

I keep this shit handy. This is, without this, I'm retarded. I smoke sometimes, but it has to be the last thing that I do. Oh, really? I can't be out and about. I can't smoke and do a interview really yeah that's my favorite way to do interviews yeah I can't I did this thing Snoop Dogg has this turfed up like oh yeah I did it Monday and this dude, he shot one episode. As I got there, I was supposed to be on the second episode.

His producer, he's about, they're trying to wrangle him so we can start shooting my segment. He just leaves for 45 minutes. So I go in the trailer. He has a legitimate, just a half pound bag of weed. And so he's smoking it. I'm like, I can't smoke with y'all, man. It'll be a totally different interview. Let me get out of there before I catch a contact.

But then he just, you know, did a whole show and a panel show. High as fuck. High as fuck. Yeah, but you expect that though. You expect that. Obviously you expect it, but it's still amazing

when you see it. I mean, obviously I know, but he's just like, yeah, he's just, you know, talking shit,

holding court, cracking jokes, funny. Like he's like, he is Snoop. Like you, when you're around him, like yeah yeah, that's his motherfucking star. Like, he operates like a star.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Snoop's a bad motherfucker. And he works his ass off. Oh, I'm sure. So many shows and shit. Yeah, he's always got something going on, man. Touring still, DJ gigs, three different web series and shit.

So what is he doing? Things on YouTube or something like that? I think this is going to be on YouTube, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, back to the Amy Schumer thing. Yeah, I don't know, man. It's not good. It's not good.

But it's also this momentum that's a part of it now. It's like a feeding frenzy. You know? And you got, like, Ari Shaffir had something like that. Remember when those people were mad at him? this momentum that's a part of it now it's like a feeding frenzy yeah you know and you got like Ari Shafir had something like that remember when those people were mad at him

because of he did a bit in one of his specials about a girl with one arm and everybody was mad at him he shouldn't have said her name yeah he shouldn't have

said her name also Comedy Central shouldn't have let him say her name why the fuck did they do that I don't know how that slipped through the cracks because

when I on one of my specials I Did a joke about My ex-girlfriend Ladies and gentlemen I talked about Having to introduce

My ex-girlfriend At an open mic After Cause she was a poet I hadn't seen her She just kinda Ghosted me And didn't stop calling me

So it was The joke was Ladies and gentlemen Please welcome The cold hearted bitch That broke my heart You may know her From that ghosted me and didn't stop calling me so it was the joke was ladies and gentlemen please welcome the cold-hearted bitch you broke my heart you may know her from that returning my phone calls also giving out mediocre joke blow jobs please welcome to the stage blank blank and but i was it was a couple times i would say her name on stage and they were like you have to change the name and i changed to something that's close to the name, but they were adamant about

I had to change it. Yeah, I don't know what happened. I think they didn't, see the problem is he didn't make that special for them. He made that special on his own and sold it to Comedy Central. So I think Comedy Central just bought it

and they didn't have to do any work. So they just bought it and then aired it. And then someone just didn't do their job. He did. I mean, that was a rough joke. It then someone just didn't do their job. He did. I mean, that was a rough joke. It was fucked up. Like, she stinks.

Yeah. It was that fat person smell. It was just when you put a name to a mostly unknown person. Yeah. I was like, God damn her. And her name is. I was like, shit, he's naming names. He named her full name.

Yeah, it was rough. While you live, you learn. You live, you learn. We all make mistakes. But what he was saying was that there was a fire and you just got to stay away. Just let it burn out. Yeah. Let that fire burn out.

Right. You know, and I think there's a fire right now after her and a lot of it is look you got to be honest about what's happening in her life she's a movie star now all of a sudden she's had one of the biggest years never in that a comedian's ever yeah so she went from a year and a half ago to someone who would do well. She'd probably like sell out a weekend in Phoenix or some shit. You know what I mean? Like she did well.

Right. She was a year and a half ago theaters. I think she was doing theaters. Yeah. Okay. So let's say theater. She's doing like a 1500 seat or something like that. Now she's doing 20,000 seats.

Yeah. She's doing arenas, man. She's doing arena tours. So there's gotta be some of it is the tall poppy syndrome, right? You know, they want to, people want to knock her down because she's taken off so high, but objectively stay away from that. Look at, look at the whole thing. Objectively. There's an originality problem. A hundred percent. There's definitely an originality problem. The problem is whose problem is that? You know, like, here's something that someone said.

Someone said she's put out 15 hours of sketches in one year. Of course there's going to be some originality problems. What about that show, Key and Peely? How do you say it? Peel? Key and Peel? Are you trying to sound like an old man on purpose? I don't know the name. I watch it. I watch it. I don't even know how to say it. Key and Peely? Key and Peel? What's that kid's name? Key and Peele? Are you trying to sound like an old man on purpose? I don't know the name. I've watched it. I've watched it. I don't even know how to say it.

Key and Peele? Key and Peele? What's that kid's name? Key and Pele. What's his name? Pele, like the soccer player? The soccer player's doing sketch comedy now. Peele, right?

Peele. Okay. Key and Peele. Those guys are fucking hilarious and really original. Really original. They do some crazy shit? You ever seen that bit they do about slap ass, about the guy who slaps asses in the locker room and he's got an addiction to slapping ass? I haven't seen that one.

It's fucking funny, man. And it's some shit that I've never seen before. Right. Whenever I see one of their sketches, it's always so out there and weird and funny. They take them into a very dark direction a lot of times, too. Yeah, but original as fuck. It's all original. So, like, that show's been on for years and no one's no one's coming at them yeah for for not so it can't it's not just the tall

poppy syndrome there's definitely an issue and it sucks man it sucks to watch all the blood in the water you know it's it's it's it sucks to see like her big moment all this great shit happened to her and all of a sudden now it's all this chaos uh i mean i think it's just more it's one of those things where it seems like it's uh crazy but it's not as crazy because we're just the same way deep in it we're deep in it and it's our world you know what i mean maybe like my my mom isn't like hey did you that's when it's big and it's deep yeah but your mom hasn't found out yet shit's only been around for a week yeah i mean this has only been going on for a week this is a pretty fresh thing i mean think about mensia like when mensia like that

Cosby video came out that fucking dude was still doing giant theaters. He was doing like 10,000 seat places Within a year all that shit was over Like people don't like when they find out a comedian's a plagiarist They don't like it. They get angry and I think someone wrote an article about this recently you you uh you tweeted it and who was the guy that wrote the article okay but the guy had a real good point and he said if someone does something in a movie and it turns out that that that scene had been in another movie like oh you stole that from blazing saddles or some shit that doesn't offend people because they know that you're just reading some lines from a movie, but if someone goes to see Hannibal They know that your shit is your thoughts like they they want to see what is Hannibal think about this?

You know when I go see Hannibal Buress. What is what is it? What are his thoughts on? Blank you know what how does he feel about this? How does he feel about like I expect that you know you're an interesting intelligent guy, and you're going to have your own point of view. Like, Bill Burr is a perfect example. Bill Burr, you can count on Bill Burr kind of humor from Bill Burr. Like, you go see him. That bit he did about Arnold Schwarzenegger, a great man. You ever see that bit?

What was it? The bit about this fucking gold digging. We got an epidemic of gold digging whores. They took down a great man. He's a great man. It's such a Bill Burr bit. I fucking love that bit. But my point is, you're not going to get anybody to write that for you.

He's not going to steal that from somebody. It's so obvious when you see the bit that it's his sense of humor. And when you're not doing that, when you're doing just a bunch of like patchwork bullshit that some other people wrote for you or some clunky premises that you may or may not have lifted from somebody else and reworded, it offends people. Yeah. Cause you're a faker, right? So that's what happened with Mencia. People were offended. You know, they found out it's, it's fake. You're faking. You're not, You're not doing what you're saying you're doing. You're saying, here's the world through my eyes.

But it's not really the world through your eyes. You're just trying to push buttons and bang on things. You're trying to make things happen. You're trying to use bits that work. You're not necessarily showing people the way you think about stuff. And I think that's what's unique about standup as opposed to anything else. Like if you found out that Jay-Z had writers, would it offend you? I wouldn't offend me. It wouldn't bother me at all. If I found out that, you know, the Rolling Stones hired some guy to write their new album. It's not, I'm not offended, but if I find out that Louis CK's new special

was written entirely by a team of writers and, you know, and he, you know, just sort of like rehashed all the shit that they wrote down, then I don't feel the same way. When I like, when I watch Louis, I know that I'm going to see Louis CK's thoughts on stuff. Every time you see him, you know that that's Louis thinking about shit, and it's so obvious when you hear it on stage It's like it's coming from his voice. So that's the difference. I think yeah would stand up definitely What's the guy's name here? Wow, Malcolm lips the younger. Okay. That's not even even a real person how dare you person whoever you are

why joke thieves are bad by someone who doesn't believe in intellectual property yeah well i believe in intellectual property and i definitely joke she's if you have you ever been swiped has anybody swiped from you i've heard about it i hear about somebody um trying something at open mic or there's been lines where I'm like maybe they took that idea certain things or commercials and shit like that but I haven't really

I take kind of Patrice's Patrice O'Neal had a philosophy about that if somebody take a joke from me then that means they needed it way more than I do. And I'm just going to write more jokes

because you can take one, I'll write 20 more. You know what I mean? So I've seen, I've heard about comics trying my shit or doing different things, but I don't really engage it because it's like uh if you if you try my shit i'm probably gone it's it's you know good luck with it man the problem with that

theory i know what if someone does it and they become like mencia they become huge right and they do that shit on television then you're like what if it's like a bit that's something you have a very unusual bit about fucking skittles it's like a signature bit and it's hilarious whatever you know pick a subject but it's like something that's really near and dear to your heart and maybe you worked on it for a long time you know like there's there's bits that you work on like that they don't fucking work right away and you try to figure out how to and so you figure out how to make them work and then someone comes along and just swipes it you're not going to just accept well i guess that theory my theory applies to when people are they suck less famous to me. Yes

Yeah, of course, yeah, yeah, you just assume they're never gonna make it But I don't know man. It's definitely dice. I mean Amy's a close friend so it is dicey to exactly that is just a weird thing that's exactly why it's weird yeah because i like her a lot i think she's hilarious she's very funny and sharp in interviews and on the radio you know doing podcasts she's fucking funny she's sharp she's smart she's ambitious as fuck but this is a it's very unfortunate it's very unfortunate you know there's also a problem with uh apparently she burned through a shitload of She's ambitious as fuck, but this is a, it's very unfortunate. It's very unfortunate. You know, there's also a problem with, apparently, she burned through a shitload of material doing that show. Like, doing their show, like a lot of her stand-up premises, she did in the show.

Because the show was very important. And then right afterwards, she's got to do the HBO special. You know, in the HBO special, there's only the one bit. There's only the Wendy Liebman joke, right? Well, there's a Marc Maron one, too. But the Marc Maron one that people are saying is like, boy, that's a pretty obvious premise. But, you know, I don't know, man. Who the fuck knows?

You know, who knows? It's not good. Is that? That's it. We'll leave it there. We'll leave it there. It's not good. She'll rebound because she's talented.

Yeah. You know, I really think she is, but if she was anybody else though, how about this? This is true. If I didn't care about her, if I wasn't friends with her,

if she was anybody else, people would want her head. Yeah. If she was some asshole, you know, like if she was Mencia, like if this came out, that Mencia had a new show,

and all this shit was on, people would want his head. There would be blood in the water. But she's a strong woman. She's a feminist. You know, this whole deal. It's like people are, and people like her.

Like comics like her. There's definitely a more kid gloves approach from the comedy community. Except for the girls that she stole from or allegedly stole from or they believe she stole from they they went after her and then they pulled back like uh wendy liebman and kathleen madigan they went after her and then they pulled back so it's unfortunate definitely look at you you backed out of the whole conversation back out though

he even pulled your chair back he even slid his chair back like yeah she'll be fine she'll be fine but you know that's that's why it's important to have original material like Pele and Kiki. What is his name? Keenan and Pell. Writers, man. Writers are a fucking problem. If you don't know those dudes, if you hire a bunch of writers, you just don't know. You don't know what their ethical process is. You don't know, you know, what their, how their creative process works. You don't, you don't know, man. You fucking, and those guys have to produce. right? They have to produce. I knew a girl who was a, a writer on,

um, she was a writer on like, uh, a crime show or something like that. And she apparently had plagiarized some shit. She got busted. Yeah. You know,

she had just cut and pasted or came up with some, some shit that somebody else had already done. And that was it for her later later in the season at my show uh so we would you know we'll send out i'll send out requests for for jokes about a certain thing and it was some writers you know each subject they'll crank it out crank out 10 or whatever. A bunch of jokes. And it was one writer close to that. He just started sending in one weak-ass joke per topic. And I wanted to be like, yo, are you?

I never said anything about it because the season was winding down, but a part of me wanted to say, are you depressed or some shit? I never said anything about it because the season was winding down, but a part of me wanted to say, are you depressed or some shit? You're only going to give me one joke? I wonder if I'm a bad boss because I didn't say step it up. Yeah. I knew him before, but I wanted to be. Is he a comic? Yeah.

That's a problem. But he's a writer. He was sending in one joke. I'm like, one joke, man? The problem with comics is if I'm working on your show and I come up with a fucking bang-ass premise, I'm going to tuck that shit away and I'm going to give you some half-ass shit. Because if it's going to be in your act, you're like, holy shit, this could be my new closer. This could make me. This could be it.

I can't give this to Hannibal. That happens, right? With comics? I mean, I could make me. This could be it. I can't give this to Hannibal. That happens, right? With comics? I mean, I could see it. I could see it happening. Fuck yeah. That's definitely what happens with comics. If you're a writer, just a writer,

that's a different thing. They don't want to be known for your writing. Right. But if you're a writer and a comic, tuck that bitch away. Tuck it away. Tuck it away. Tuck it away. It's just interesting, man.

This whole thing is an interesting time because the accountability, accountability is so high now. Yeah. I think that's good. I really do. I really do. You know? Because I think, you know, excuse Amy and say it wasn't her fault and, you know, it's

all writers and everything like that. Whatever. Obviously, there was an originality problem. Obviously. I mean, there's no getting around that. I think that's a good thing, man. It forces people to be as original as possible. And even then, you're going to have some mistakes or some parallel thinking.

Parallel thinking is so common. Like a viagra thing right like when you if you have an erection for more than five hours seek medical help that joke writes itself that's over that's that's you know everybody other thing i got i got two kids i got a boy and a girl the boy is an idiot the girl is so sweet and smart the boy is doing this dumb shit the girl is over there doing this yep my wife is pregnant i joke about wanting to have a kid just so i can get 20 to 30 minutes of kid material because then i get it with that i get the uh i get the trying to get my girl pregnant material then the wife is pregnant material what's going on she's pregnant

she's all this shit then i got the the delivery delivery of the baby material like oh shit fellas if you let me tell if you in there do not look at the pussy the pussy is gonna be ruined that joke and then you got the having a newborn baby it doesn't do anything it's just there yep and then you got all of the toddlers yeah there's plenty of material in that yeah but it's the jokes have been done they've been done to death there's no way around that there's no way around those there was a a c you do you remember in um the earlys, while Bush was still in office, there was a Chinese fighter jet collided with an American fighter jet, and the Chinese fighter jet's pilot, the pilot's name was Wong Wei.

No. Yes. Really? His name was Wong Wei. Wong Wei, W-E-I? W-O-N-G-W-E-I. Really? Yep.

Oh, man. That joke. At the comedy store that night, Ari Shaffir tells about it because he worked the door. And the comedy store starts at 9, goes till 2. He said guys who would go on at 11 didn't know that someone had already did it at 9, 9.30, 10, 10.15. Guys would show up five minutes before they set. They'd have no idea. They'd say it, and the audience is like, are we getting punked?

It's the same fucking joke over and over and over again. I would love a DVD of that night. I'm just picturing guys that haven't written in a while either. It's like, oh, shit, there's one way shit. I'm about to kill it. I'm feeling so creatively inspired. Yeah. One way.

Guys who haven't written in a while. Like, oh, I got this one. This is it. This is it. This one wrote itself. Sometimes I'll search a joke before I tweet something that's about something topical. I'll search that on Twitter to see if somebody else said it already.

That's a good move. That's smart. And it's some stuff where I'm like, because it's some stuff that's easy, first thought that anybody can come up with. Well, I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not that creative. I didn't have a hot take on this Cavaliers game. But it's weird because if it's your thought,

like, shouldn't you just express yourself? Do you have to go looking to make sure someone didn't express a similar idea first? You know? You don't have to, but it's just, I'd rather do that than tweet the exact same thing as somebody with 30 followers just tweeted. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's tricky, I mean? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's tricky, right? And memes, man. That was another one that Wendy Liebman got pissed at. Someone had taken one of her bits and turned it into a meme. But without her face, so credit.

Yeah, they used a cartoon image instead of her. And she was pissed. Yeah, if it was her face. I mean, they've done it a bunch of times to me. I'm sure to you too with your actual face and a bit that you said. Yeah.

I have zero problem with that. I like it. It's good. It means they like you. It means they think you're funny and they took the time to say something that you said

that they enjoyed and they put it in a picture. I'm kind of upset that I never made Blam Blam Weed and Ham t-shirts. Hey, shut up. It's not too late. It's not too late,

especially if I take you pig hunting. If I take you pig hunting, then we can go out there with them. Yeah. But people had that meme, like, immediately, like while we were doing the podcast. Yeah. Blam Blam Weed and Ham.

Blam Blam Weed and Ham. Like, that was one of the big complaints about that fat Jewish guy, was that he would take stand-up bits and they would put them in memes. They would steal someone's stand-up jokes and turn it into a meme. Yeah. That was, you know, and it became this thing, well, is he stealing jokes? Because he's just putting up memes on Instagram.

Like, what is that? You know, but yeah, it is stealing jokes because he wasn't crediting people. And he was also taking people's memes from their site and just reposting it without crediting him and then getting all of the new followers and likes exactly somebody i went out with this girl in new york who works with his management or something and uh i don't know how true this is or if this is just a one-off instance, but she said that he got booked to do somebody's prom or Sweet 16, and she said he got $150,000. Whoa.

And I was like, what? Maybe it was a bar mitzvah. It might have been. I was like, what? Maybe it was a bar mitzvah. It might have been. I was like, what? Well, if you're some fucking hedge fund guy and you got a son who's really into the internet, that's what he wants. Dad, I want you to get me the fat Jewish. All right, son.

If that's what you want, that's what you'll get. Because Beyonce will do gigs like that. She'll go to Bahrain, dance with some Prince yeah make a couple million bucks head home on a private jet they do the shit like that yeah they'll do people's parties i know a dude and uh at his party he's some insanely wealthy guy he had sting sting performed and um someone else like that like some other like big name dude. And my friend went to this party. And I was like, what the fuck was that like?

They go, dude, we're watching Sting perform for 50 people at this guy's house. Like, that's fucking crazy. It's very crazy. At Dana White's birthday party, Stone Temple Pilots played. Stone motherfucking Temple Pilots in a small ballroom in Vegas at a hotel and they I'll tell you what man that dude he's dead now he just died of heroin overdose I guess we're just just fucking his body up till it quit but um that motherfucker could perform yeah I want there was there was maybe and

nobody was paying attention. Here's a part of the problem. Yeah. We had to get everybody up. Like we were like, people feel bad. So they're like getting people up by their seats and getting them like towards the stage. Watch this band,

watch this huge band that's doing it. Yeah, they probably had to pay. Yeah. Who the fuck knows how much they had to pay them. It must've been an ungodly sum of money. But, um,

that fucking dude rocked out. Like there was a hundred thousand people in that audience yeah he went full-on i mean full-on it was it was really impressive it made me want to be better at stand-up it made me want to work at my stand-up well it's it's easy i think it's easier to do that when you're doing music because you got the music yeah you don't need momentum it helps right but it's like easy to have the wind taken out of your sails when you perform for uh inattentive crowd like it's tough to just really get into it i guess you you can but it takes a different for doing stand-up for doing stand-up if you're doing it in front of people that are, half of them are eating, ten of them are texting, and a few people paying attention and giving polite chuckles.

It's tough to be like, okay, I'm going to go all the way, because you're so dependent on the reaction. Well, with music, you've got your band behind you. You can be like, I'm going to just rock this shit out and cash this check and go. That's true. And comedy acts with guitars, too, they can do the same shit. Yeah. But they still need the laughs. The laughs is what builds it into being able to really rock that shit.

Yeah. And be a pro. But I found sometimes that people, if you, because I've done some gigs that are horrible. I did this gig. It's a nice paying gig in Chicago. It was horrible. It was this wide ballroom. Most people talking, some people listening. And usually I would call out, it was like, this shit sucks. This is horrible. This is a horrible performance situation. But something in my head just said, you know what? Just do the time. Go a few minutes short

and just don't acknowledge it and just power through. Do the time. Good night, everybody. Get the money and go. And if you don't, sometimes you don't acknowledge that you're bombing.

People think it went well. Well, they might just be nice to you. Or they might have just been nice. Who knows? Whatever. I hated the have just been nice. Who knows? Whatever. I hated the meet and greet afterwards. I had to meet and greet with some of the people with the organization or whatever and take a bunch of pictures.

After you ate it? Yeah. It wasn't necessarily eating, but it wasn't an ideal gig. It was just a cash grab. A cash grab. But, yeah, it was a cash grab. A cash grab. But, uh,

yeah, it was like the meet and greet afterwards. I hate doing a meet and greet after a so-so show. Cause I'm like, I'd rather be amongst myself and my friends. I don't know any of you. Yeah. And you were in the crowd that I hated as a group. I wanted to talk to you,

but I'm glad you brought that up. Cause I remember you and I were at glad you brought that up because I remember you and I were at the same casino, that Tuyalip Casino up in, it's like an hour north of Seattle. Yeah. I know that gig sucked for you

because that gig sucked for me and it sucked so bad for Patton Oswalt that he did a fucking bit about it. It's on his last CD. It's on his last, it's fucking two year, I've never performed for a place where people were more drunk and rowdy and crazy. It is the most, I mean, I had a good time.

It was fun, but I did an hour. I might've done 10 minutes of material. And I might be exaggerating. You know, it wasn't that bad. Like they did seat a bunch of people I'm trying to remember if this is a right but I don't remember being horrible they just see a lot of they did see a lot of people up front that obviously weren't fans of mine that just they got casino comps or whatever they lose a lot

of money there's and so they get that so it was weird having these you know middle-aged 50 something like the first couple rows full of these asian ladies that obviously nothing against asian ladies but i don't think they were familiar with my work and they were in the front row and so that was so i commented on that but it wasn't that that bad of a gig. Yeah. But, yeah, it was way better than the gig I was talking about.

There's another interesting thing about that gig is that gig was where, this was way before all the Cosby stuff came out, the woman who was the manager came up to us, and we were talking and this and that, and I always ask people, I said, what's the weirdest shit you've had to deal with? Like, what's the most annoying comedian you had to deal with? Like, what's the worst thing that you had to deal with? And she goes, Bill Cosby was the weirdest. I go, why? She goes, first of all, he made us sit down.

He made the staff, powerful Jamie with the beer, ready. Thank you. Very powerful. I was about to ask him for another one. Can I get one of those too? I'm sorry. I feel bad with him drinking by himself. Dope.

He made the audience, not the audience, the staff sit and watch him eat curry. They just sit and watch him eat. He wanted everybody that was working there to sit down and watch him eat. What? Yeah. Apparently this is his thing, or was his thing. Thank you, sir. He would make...

Cheers, brother. Cheers. Good to have you here, man. Yeah. Mmm. Ah, nueva cerveza. He would make the staff, like the ticket people, the ushers, security. They sat down.

They came in his dressing room, and they watched him eat curry. He sat down and ate and they just watched him. He wants people to be around him while he's eating. Maybe he talks to you, maybe he doesn't. But he wants you to be there while he's eating his curry. Yeah, I've been doing that for five years. Then at the end of the night, he wanted the security guard to tuck him in. Like, he lays in bed.

He wants the security guard to tuck him in. Put the blanket over him. Tuck, tuck, tuck. Tuck, tuck, tuck. Shut the lights out. And leave. No, please no. Yes.

Yes. Please no, Yes Please no man There's some weird shit going on There was some weird shit going on with that dude Just the mind Now you just put me On another headline and shit Just by me being here

Joe Rogan tells Hannibal Weird Bill Cosby story I've heard the Curry thing from someone else, too. I've heard it from someone else. Someone else had a similar story that he did that, that he makes people that work in these places sit and watch him eat. If you're in a weird shit, man, people are in a weird shit. It's not the weirdest thing.

It's not awful. It's just weird. It's just weird. Yeah. What's your weird shit on the road? You're very straightforward? Yeah, I'm pretty straightforward. Yeah.

I take pictures with everybody after the show. Yeah. That's the weird thing. I go out and I'll do it for hours. Yeah? Yeah. How do you feel? Do you enjoy it or are you piling through after the 10th one?

Or do you just appreciate what it means to people? I appreciate it, and what I do is I reset. So every person, I don't go, man, another one, another one. If you think that way, it'll fuck you up. But what I do is I just reset. This is me meeting this person for the first time, and now this is me meeting this person for the first time. It's not the hardest thing to do. Not at all.

For an hour or two. Yeah. It's no big deal. That's my weird thing. It's not that weird. It's an appreciation thing. It's appreciation. They pay money.

Yeah, exactly. They're excited to see you. But when it's 3,700 people. That's a lot. Usually it's not all of them that do the picture thing. Yeah. But it might be 1,000. Yeah.

The one in Chicago was nuts. There's a the picture thing. Yeah. But it might be a thousand. Yeah. The one in Chicago was nuts. There's a line up around. The Chicago Theater? Yeah. Up around the top, all the way down the stairs. That took fucking forever. But that builds. People post that online.

Yeah. Like, Joe Rogan. Some people might not even know. They're like, oh, that seems cool. Let me check out who Joe Rogan is. And then they listen to the podcast or come to a show. The weird part is when some people, even though there's a giant line, they got to talk to you. They got to tell you some fucking story that takes forever.

You're like, yo, dude, there's a giant line behind you. I need some advice. Oh, this is the wrong place. It's the wrong place for advice. I don't like when people ask me to do some goofy shit in the picture. Like what? Like, can you just do, let's make weird faces. Can I jump on your back?

Like, nah, man, let's just look at this camera. Let's get this shit. Can I jump on your back? Can I hold this? I'm like, nah, man, I'm not. Let's just do it. I'm happy to take the picture with you, but stop directing me. I'm traveling around the country with this garden gnome.

I want you to hold it up. Will you hold it up? Come on, bro. I got everybody. Come on, man. I got Jay Moore last week around the country with this garden gnome. I want you to hold it up. Will you hold it up? Come on, bro. I got everybody. Come on, man. I got Jay Moore last week. He held up the garden gnome. Everybody.

Oh, man. Yeah. Well, it only takes one person to weird you out for the rest of the night. Yeah. The fucking dude and his garden gnome, man. I get thrown off easily by people sometimes. Not thrown off, but I can just get put in a weird spot. Did you get put in a lot of weird spots?

Like after the whole Cosby thing happened, did you get heckled about it at all? No, not really. No. I think one time I was talking about the reaction to it, and then some guy was like, that's all you talk about. I was like, I did like 40 minutes before i even brought this up no but besides that not really because the people that want to heckle me about it aren't the people paying 30 35 to see me you would think yeah but you never know next tour some people just get drunk and they just can't fucking handle themselves

they just don't know what to do. It is. It's an interesting thing where people sometimes think. I did Ice House and I popped into, it was a show in a small room last Saturday. And I did a set and it was just the most talkative crowd. I started out, hey, so I don't know if you've ever been to Japan. And it's like six people. No, no, we haven't.

No, no. It was like, no, I wasn't asking you. This is not a dialogue. No, we haven't been to Japan, really. I ended up yelling at them and roasting people for about eight minutes, did two jokes, and then got up out of there. You were in the small room? In the small room, yeah. The small room's so intimate.

It's only like 80 people. Yeah, and it was packed, and it was just talkative yeah that was probably a bad show it was it was they yeah it was just i think they just wanted to be roasted and yelled at and they were all they probably day drunk yeah that'll happen what are you doing tonight you got a set we'll do meltdown tonight Oh yeah? What time's that? 8.30 What time you done? Probably

9.30ish 10 at the latest If you want to come down The Ice House Sold out show Yeah Yeah me Bill Burr

Chris D'Elia And Tony Inchcliffe Shazam The big room It'll be a hot crowd It'll be a hot crowd It's a good show The big room is the shit at the Ice House That's the greatest room in the country

It is Perfect Perfect room Can't be wrong And it's the oldest Oldest comedy club in the world Really? Yep

Since when? It's from 1960 1960 That's the oldest comedy club in the world? Oldest comedy club on earth Did Richard Pryor ever perform there? I'm sure he did when he lived in la he had to have everybody did george carlin did there's uh there's so many fucking pictures on the

wall steve martin performed there yeah um i mean fill in the blank stephen wright performed that means there's so many fucking pictures on the wall people that were there it's one of the most classic comedy clubs on earth maybe the most classic next to the the store has like a greater history because there's more greatness yeah like if you go to the store on any given night like the other night it was uh chris rock and dave chappelle dave chappelle went up and then chris rock went up bam bam just totally out of nowhere i mean mean, that doesn't happen anywhere else. The Cellar, sometimes.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Those, those two clubs, like where they'll, someone will pop in, you know,

like Bill Burrow pop in, Louis will pop in, someone will pop in. And if you're there for a show on a random Tuesday night, you might get to see one of the best comics ever. Yeah. Just randomly. I was there.

Well, I did a show with Chappelle and Rock last Thursday, this past Thursday. Rock popped in. What was he doing? He was doing stuff

about the Oscars and everything. I was gone by then. I went up earlier. I brought up Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz brought up Chappelle and Chappelle brought up, no,

Joey Diaz brought up someone else and then that person brought up Chappelle and when Joey got off stage, I went home. So I missed it. But Dave was there the other night, man. Fucking hilarious.

He showed up out of nowhere. I brought him up. And he smoked like six packs of cigarettes on stage. I guess you're allowed to smoke on stage. It's a performance loophole. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a part of your performance.

Yeah. Like a theatrical production. Like if you had a cigar on stage and you're playing some cigar smoking guy. But fuck, man. No, he's fun to watch. Yeah. There was a show, was it two years ago or three, two years ago? There was a show, was it two years ago or three, two years ago?

It was, I went on, then Kevin Hart went on, and then Chappelle went on and brought Rock on stage. I want to say Marlon Wayans, Bill Bellamy, Questlove, and... Where the fuck was this? It was at the Comedy Cellar. And they were all on stage at once, just passing the mic, cracking jokes. That's hilarious. For about an hour and a half. It was one of the craziest things I ever saw.

All on stage at the same time? All on the little Comedy Cellar stage at the same time, just telling old stories and shit. It was amazing. The Cellar, what is that seat 100 and some change yeah 110 tops those little clubs man there's something magic about those little clubs it's funny because everybody does stand-up specials in a big place but your best performances like that like for me at least like the shows that I have the most fun are like a little place. Well, yeah, just because you can, it's the clubs are more fun. The people are right there.

The energy is different. You can kind of, you can take more liberties as far as working out a bit. You know, you can't really, you can try stuff in a theater. You can't really work you can try stuff in a theater, you can't really work out in a theater. But in a club, you can have some misses and you can lose the crowd,

gain them back, that type of thing. So the clubs are more fun, but yeah, the theaters just look better. They look better, but there's some theaters

that it works at. Like the Tabernacle in Atlanta, that place is hot. You shot there before? Yeah, like the Tabernacle in Atlanta. That place is hot. You shot there before? Yeah. I shot there my 2012 special, and I was just there. I was just there a couple weeks ago.

That place is hot. That is a hot theater. It's a theater, but the acoustics in it are amazing, and the way it's tiered. The people, even the people in the back row, they're pretty fucking close, even though it's a big place. Yeah. That's a great spot. There's a bunch of these old theaters in this country that when you perform there, you're like a part of a museum or some shit. You know, like you're performing in a place that's 100 years old.

Yeah, and they charge you for it, too. They do. They charge you for the history. Yeah, they do. Yeah. Did you see, I didn't see it, but did you see,

I know you saw it, Rousey on SNL? No, I didn't see it. You didn't see it? No. What? I didn't see it. You didn't watch it?

I didn't watch it. Joe Rogan didn't watch Ronda Rousey? I didn't watch it. You didn't watch one of the top UFC stars on one of the top, those are your worlds there.

I'll watch it eventually. Comedy and fighting. I'm not into watching things while they happen. Really? Yeah. I like to wait. Yeah? Tell me it's good and I'll watch it.

Was it good? I haven't seen it. I wanted to hear. I started out by saying I hadn't seen it. But I just assumed you had and you would go off about it for a few minutes. Killed some time. And that killed some time. But I just wanted to hear

your thoughts on it. No, I haven't seen it. I'm sure it was good. I heard it was good. Yeah. Did you hear it was good, Jamie? You didn't see it? I don't know.

She's a fighter. Yeah. Do you want to see a cook race a bike? No. You know? Yeah. I want to see a fighter fight.

I would like to see a cook race a bike. You know what I mean? I mean, if someone that I really liked was doing but I don't watch SNL. I know I'm not a fan I don't think it's good It's too bad too often for me to get into it Like the amount of good stuff that you get off the SNL versus the amount of like It's way more Than it is good. There's just

over the years if you accumulate all the different sketches, I mean god damn, it's a classic show. But on any given night, boy you're going to watch a lot of mediocre shit. The Tina Fey Amy Poehler episode that was really good. I was there

for that. It had some great, some really great sketches in it. there for that it was uh it has some great some really great sketches in it i also have a problem with it because i did news radio with phil hartman and phil hartman had incredibly negative shit to say about snl about the environment about what it was like working there about all the backstabbing behind behind-the-scenes shit. He hated it. He fucking hated it. Really? And when he came over from the... Yeah, secretly.

Like, I don't think he was public about it, but... Until now. Well, I think he's probably... Post-homously. Post-hominously? Homus? Is it post-homously? Posthumous.

Posthumous? Yeah, Key and Healy. That's stupid. Post-homously. Posthumous. Posthumously. Posthumous? Posthumous? Yeah, Key and Healy. That's stupid. Post-Homisley. Posthumous. Posthumously. Posthumous? Posthumous?

So being alive is Homis? No. What is? I don't know. It's just that's it? Yeah. I'm not buying it. Am I saying it wrong?

Posthumously, right? Now that he's dead. Now that he's dead, it's leaked out. Well, you know what happened was he came over when he did news radio. That was the first sitcom that he's dead now that he's dead it's leaked out well you know what happened was he came over when he did uh news radio that was the first sitcom that he'd ever done and when he came over like he had this sort of like standoffish sort of an attitude like everybody's competing against everybody else it was like every man for himself but then when he realized it wasn't like that he relaxed and then when he relaxed he and i became friends and he would talk and he you know tell me

about it and tell me about like what it was like over there he was a funny dude man he used to like get high yeah yeah he would he would get barbecued get high and start rapping he would get high and go sailing that's what he'd like to do he'd be like i go what'd you do this weekend oh i got high and i got on my boat i went sailing yeah he liked to go new york out here out here yeah yeah yeah he was a he was an interesting dude i never met anybody was more professional like he would have these notebooks like when you get a script i would fucking lose my script i'd be like i can't find my script is there any other scripts i get another script and read off that script but his script was in a binder and he had like like uh different color tabs for different scenes like a yellow tab

for the first scene a blue tab for the second scene all of his lines were highlighted and he had notes like you like little annotations you little put little fucking notes on the side of each thing like hit it like this or do that, emphasis on that. He was extremely professional. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I learned a lot about discipline and just being a professional,

watching him work. That guy was not successful by accident. He was a hard working, smart dude. Married a cunt. Yeah. All right.

We'll be right back. Well, you're allowed to call someone a cunt when they kill your friend. No, definitely. No, definitely. One of those times. One of those times it's a free ride. I was in Vegas, and this is a weird thing to happen. I met up with a friend of a friend, this girl and her friend.

We hang out for a little bit, go to the craps table. I couldn't explain craps to her. She could not take in the rules of craps. She was a little drunk, but still, not the whole craps table, but the basic 7-11 on the first roll is good, 2-3-12 is bad. If you get anything else, that's your point. You want to hit that point before you hit 7. You probably couldn't explain it to me.

I don't understand craps. You know what I'm saying? No. You get a point if you have five four five six eight nine or ten that's your point and you want to hit that before you hit seven okay but i said this to her eight times like and i and she was watching the table also so she was like is that good like is that good what is that? If the guy is handing me money, it's good. If he's taking away my money, it's bad.

How about that? Anyway, so we get back in my hotel room. And her friend was there, too. Her friend ended up leaving. We fuck real quick. And then I hop in the shower. I'm about to head downstairs to the awards, to the porn awards. And then she was trying to make me fuck again.

She was like, let's do it again. I didn't come. And I was like, we're done. She was trying to force. She was like, just's do it again. I didn't come. And I was like, we're done. She was trying to force. She was like, I'll ride you. I was like, no, we already finished. I didn't get what I was like. And I was like, am I being a douchebag?

I was like, no, she was being demanded. Also, that doesn't feel good. I feel good it didn't look like i'm like okay let's go again like also i'm almost 33 it takes a long time to build back up to that like the second round is too much for me right now well it depends entirely on how attractive she is or how attracted you are to her both as a human being and physically like what she looks like and like it sounds like she's annoying a little bit yeah going to the porn awards was definitely more appealing than having sex with her for a second time is that good yeah let's go she was just really

is it harder for drunk girls to come? Because it's hard for drunk dudes to come, right? So is it hard for drunk girls to come? So you might have been there all night, just pounding away. I don't know. Are we done yet? Not yet! She was a mess.

That happens. It does happen. I make some bad decisions sometimes. Hey, we all happens. It does happen. Yeah, I make some bad decisions sometimes. Hey, we all do. It's part of life. Especially with alcohol. It's amazing how many good decisions get made when you think about all the booze that's flowing around.

Yeah. Especially in Vegas. It's amazing. Like, when you go to Vegas, it's amazing that it's not just chaos and fucking street fights and bottles breaking over people's heads. If you just look at like that, look at a casino, there's a fucking hundred thousand people in there or whatever the hell it is. Everyone's boozed up. It's amazing. People losing money. Yeah. People fucking up their lives. Definitely

people fucking up their lives. My friend Andrew, he had this dude that he used to work with. He used to work at a restaurant. This dude saved up his money for 10 years. 10 fucking years. He had a savings account

and he put together like 20 grand in the savings account over 10 years. He's chipping away. He wasn't making much money. He's working at a restaurant. Goes to Vegas.

He blew it all in one weekend. Pow, pow, pow. All gone. All gone. Came back just devastated. Ten years of working overtime, putting money away, 100 here, 200 there, thinking about all those hours that he spent washing dishes and cleaning up

and all that shit just to blow it. In a weekend. A weekend. Still hasn't recovered blow it. In a weekend. A weekend. Still hasn't recovered. Gone. Probably killed himself. He said they're real casual. People do it.

People do do it. They definitely do do it. Shouldn't do it over money though, right? Unless you owe somebody else money. Even then. Pay him. I think Robert De Niro owes somebody money. That's why he's doing these shitty movies?

Mm-hmm. The intern? Come on, dude. That's why he's doing these shitty movies? The Intern? Come on, dude. That was a work of art. He did that shit because of integrity. No, I heard The Intern actually... Did you see The Intern? Yes.

I watched part of it. Did you like it? Nope. I didn't see it. I heard some people... Did Intern get decent reviews? Maybe. Maybe.

But so did... There's a lot of shitty movies that get decent reviews maybe but so did like there's a lot of shitty movies that get good reviews but I feel like as far as the like compared to this

Dirty Grandpa one is like have you seen the trailers for this at all? I just saw like a brief second of it where I saw De Niro making the De Niro face

and it said Dirty Grandpa that's all I saw does it look bad? I feel like he owes people money with this movie. Doing a movie like that, one of the best actors of all time.

Maybe he doesn't give a fuck. No, I think he owes somebody millions. There's a lot of people that get that lifestyle going and they want to feed that lifestyle. They just want a private jet. They want private jets.

They want that house in Spain or wherever the fuck they like to vacation. They want a boat. They wanted this. They wanted that. They want a fat apartment in New York City. They want a home in Beverly Hills. They want a pow, pow, pow. When you do that, you need to generate a lot of income. And when guys get older, especially, the money drops substantially. That

was a big thing that Robin Williams was experiencing. He was talking about that before he died, that the money just wasn't there anymore. There was no big money gigs. He would get interesting roles in these independent films, but they paid nothing. That's why he did that CBS show. Remember he did that CBS show, The Crazy Ones? He just needed to generate some money. He had some crazy estate. He's got some amazing place in Northern California,

like 24 million bucks, hundreds of acres, just giant mansion on it. Just like the total great Gatsby house, you know. Keep my costs low. Keep your costs low. Keep my costs low. That's a good move. Until what? Until 30 years from now. 30 years from now?

Then you're going to go off? When I become the host of Family Feud. Then I'm going to start spending that shit. What about The Price is Right? No, Family Feud. Family Feud is,

I feel like Family Feud has more room for humor than Price is Right. Price is Right, you can get some jokes off of. That's true. But Family Feud, you can crack,

you got a bunch of different people, you get jokes off everybody. You know what I mean? It's true. Yeah. Steve Harvey gets a lot of good laughs off Family Feud. You got a bunch of different people. You get jokes off everybody. You know what I mean? It's true. Yeah. Steve Harvey gets a lot of good laughs off family feud. Get a lot of jokes. You got people setting you up.

Softball. Bam! Yeah. Yeah. And it's set up in the questions, too. You know, a lot of the questions are like, they're just jobs. Just innuendo questions. Yeah.

Just fucking, you know, clean dick jokes. If they came to you tomorrow with a family feud, they'd go, look, Wayne Brady, he just doesn't want to do it anymore. Is Wayne Brady doing it? No, Wayne Brady's doing something else. He's doing Price is Right, right? No, Drew Carey's doing Price is Right. Wayne Brady has some show, Let's Make a Deal. He does?

He's on Let's Make a Deal. a deal oh it's weird they rehash these old shows yeah those shows have been around since like the 30s cheap to make tape whatever how many they tape in a day hundreds in a day they just keep taping them man i don't know if they came to me today with an offer yeah for no i don't know if I could go in there. It would have to be a nice offer for me to go in the game show world now. Yeah. I did it. I don't think I could do it again.

I mean, I definitely could do it again if I was broke, but I wouldn't want to do it again unless it was something unbelievable. Did they pitch Fear Factor to you? Fear fear factor it existed. It was a show in Holland It was called now or Neverland. Oh, and then they came to me Because I had a development deal with NBC to do a sitcom And they came to me and they said hey There's this thing, you know, we want you to come in and have a meeting with it And I started making fun of it Yeah

when I went in there I'm they like they didn't want me at first because I wasn't making fun of it. Because they were sicking dogs on people, making them eat animal dicks and shit. I was mocking it. And then one of the producers was like, listen, this guy's not going to work. He's not taking it seriously. We need these people to be scared. And then the other producer, my friend David Hurwitz, was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at what we're doing.

We need someone to mock this. This is fucking ridiculous. This show is ridiculous. the other producer, my friend David Hurwitz, was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at what we're doing. Yeah. We need someone to mock this. Yeah. This is fucking ridiculous. This show is ridiculous. If it's going to be successful, we probably need a comedian. You probably need someone to mock it. And I wound up doing it. But I never thought, I thought it was going to be canceled immediately.

How many seasons was it? Six. 148 episodes. Which episode should we look for if we want to see you dead in the eyes? Well, I wasn't dead in the eyes. I did way better than that. Right around episode three or four, I started getting high as fuck. I would get so high that I could feel the earth spinning.

I would take pot lollipops with me to the set and I would just suck on pot lollipops because that's a slow release and the pot lollipops would kick in like an hour into the show. But I'm functional. I know how to do it. I can operate high. Were you married doing Fear Factor? No.

Did you ever hook up with a contestant? No. No? No, that's not a smart move. Yeah. It's not smart, but we both just agree that we do dumb things sometimes. What's the dumbest shit that you've ever done because of your dick? Oh, this is a bad question? No, no, no. The dumbest shit I've ever done?

You just look down at your dick and you go, how dare you? What the fuck did you do to me, man? Get me in this fucking position. It's definitely, I mean, girl in Vegas, that wasn't a good decision, but I was just like, ah. That doesn't seem like the worst decision. Worst thing happened is she wanted to come and she didn't come. happened is she wanted to come and she didn't come and but she is now i just i don't like when i end up uh where i'm like oh this chick is just here for the story you know i i was in when i was in san jose i was uh i brought this girl back i brought her a couple friends but her friend

the dude leaves. Her friend crashes on the couch. It's sweet. The girl comes into the room with me. And it happens. And then I wake up. I look over. She kind of fucking with her phone or something.

And I'm like, I had my instinct here. Let me see your phone. And then I scroll through instinct here. Let me see your phone. And then I scrolled through the pictures, and she had taken selfies with me sleeping in the background. Ew. And then I scrolled through some more. She had posted a Snapchat the night before, hanging out in Hannibal Buress's room.

Like my face wasn't in the sleeping picture, but that would have been the implication if you were following her story. See, I don't have a Snapchat. Yeah. But it was, these pictures were just on the camera log on her. Like these are the camera.

I wasn't on her, but that's like you, if you do a Snapchat, I guess you could save the image i wasn't on her but that's like you if you do a snapchat i guess you could save the image that you put on snapchat you could save it to your right to your phone and so i deleted all that shit and i was just like get out of here what'd she say she knew she she knew she was out like what the fuck else you gonna say she's like i just was but you're so nice i mean she was young and goofy but it was just just, oh my God, what am I doing?

These fucking goof nuggets. But I don't also. But I also don't want to date a famous chick and then have everybody in my business. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. That doesn't seem like a good move. See, but you know, the problem with that too is like a famous person is not more attractive

to a guy. Like if you meet a hot girl and she's just interesting and cool and she's not famous or you meet a hot girl who's interesting and cool and is famous, like they don't, there's no one, one's not better than the other. Matter of fact, the famous one carries a lot of baggage. Whereas for a girl, I think she meets a guy like you, like, oh, he's funny and he's smart and he's famous. He's famous.

Like the fame means something to them. Fame doesn't necessarily mean things to most guys. I think it means something to some guys. Just because if you watch TV or you see a girl in a magazine or you see her in a video or if you just saw a bunch of

dope ass Instagram pictures you're like yo is that attainable I would like to is that attainable cause you know

I heard I heard stories about old school movie stars or whatever like in the 80's they just flipped through

a magazine like her go get her for me. Yeah. And that's how they would pull, like that was their tender. I'm sure, right? Just flipping through a magazine like, who was that? How do you find her? Shit like that. Like Maxim.

I definitely think those models, there's something to that for some guys. It's an excitement to that. Yeah, but if they saw that girl at a club, they'd be just as excited about her. There's something to that for some guys. It's an excitement to that. Yeah, but if they saw that girl at a club, they'd be just as excited about her. Yeah, without knowing about, yeah. Yeah. But maybe, you know, I mean, I've seen, you know, some that, like, man, I like that song. Right, if someone's talented. But then I do feel, it feels iffy.

It feels just weird sometimes. Well, there's that whole world of, you know, you get in that red carpet world. You get in that world of they follow your relationship because you put your relationship out there and all your photos. I never did. Even when, even in 2008 to 2000, when I had a girlfriend, like, I didn't even put in a relationship on Facebook. It wasn't to mess around with other girls. It was just because I didn't feel like strangers, because I had some Facebooks. I didn't feel like strangers should know who my girlfriend is, unless you see me out and about.

But you shouldn't just be able to go on my Facebook page and be like, oh, he's dating her. Oh, look at them here. Well, for the majority of people people it'd be no problem at all but it's just a few creepers that it would be a problem it can happen this the whole world is very strange when it comes to that shit it's very social media is a totally new landscape that our parents didn't have to deal with their parents and nobody had to deal with it until this generation this is the first generation ever that's put their whole life out there i have friends who put their fucking kids they put their kids pictures all over the internet and everything like i'm like okay i mean i guess i guess you could do that but it seems like did you ask the kids is it there you know what i mean like all these fucking weirdos are gonna

know what your kids look like. Yeah, that is weird. I mean, with some people, that's how you get, you know, I mean, I guess you could make it private, but that's how you share it with family members that you just put it on Facebook and you share it. There's also some people like to put that image out there. That was one of the things that Phil Hartman and I talked about when he was trying to break up with his wife. He was like, I think that if I got divorced I wouldn't get the same movies and I said why he goes because my my image is the family man like I I need like that those are the movies I get sure I need my wife and my kids and

all that stuff that's like a part of like what I'm selling and I was like wow I never even thought of that you know because I was young and single and I was like oh okay yeah I guess but some people look at it that way they want to sell a package like hey look at me I'm a good guy hey here I am at my kids birthday party look I'm holding a baby yeah comedians were known to be degenerates you know we're known to be dirty people so much so that when somebody's not they're like holy shit we like this guy gaffigan come to stand up i was just gonna say gaffigan i was just gonna say gaffigan brian regan where are you brian yeah yeah come perform before the pope yeah gaffigan performed in front of the Pope.

You know what was most fucked up about that? He was on the Colbert show. Okay, Colbert, if you don't know, is a Catholic, like a serious Catholic. And he's on the Colbert show with Maria Shriver. And they're talking about how great it is to be a Catholic. And they're on there. And I'm like, is this real life? You guys are talking about a cult.

You're in an ancient cult of kid fuckers. And you're going to go see the head kid fucker. He's the king of the kid fuckers. And you guys are pretending that this is all fun. This is all great stuff. Being a Catholic is wonderful. It's amazing. There's such a great tradition and history to it.

What the fuck are you talking about i was raised catholic i mean i went to catholic school when i was a little kid fuck all that that is crazy to put my kids through that as an adult to be an adult and somehow another promote that it's madness that is madness yes i I mean, yeah, I'm not a religious person at all. I don't need it. I think, you know, it's cool when they give people food and shit. Yeah. No, churches, I think, are great. When they donate.

I think churches are great. Yeah? I think churches are great in communities. I think it's a good thing for people to get together and just be nice to each other on Sundays. Regardless of— Songs are good. Yeah. Yeah yeah there's a lot of good to that but catholicism man as a religion like growing up in it and seeing all the damage that it does and the guilt all the fucking guilt and weirdness that came to us oh man catholic school was horrible yeah horrible shit man you two go go to Catholic high school?

No, no, no. Just up to eighth grade? No, when I was early. I only went to first grade. Damn, it stuck with you that much? What happened? There was just this woman. Her name was Sister Mary Josephine.

This fucking cunt. What a horrible name. She was a monster. She was just the meanest lady. First of all, I didn't go to kindergarten. So that was my first time in school at all. So like first grade was the first time in school. Yeah. And

you know why she was mean, Joe? Why? Because she wasn't getting no dick, man. Catholic ladies don't be fucking at all. They're angry. Definitely that. The nuns don't be fucking. They need to fuck and then they'll loosen up a little bit. You know?

Yeah. And the dudes, what are they doing? That's why they fuck kids. They're all bent up and fucking tightened up. We had a kid in my high school that became a priest. He was gay as fuck. Everybody knew he was gay. We knew he was gay and he was going to become a priest.

And I remember thinking, this is so bizarre. This guy is avoiding pussy by becoming a priest. You know? He's like, hey, Billy, when are you going to have a girlfriend? Oh, the Lord's got me. I'm all wrapped up in the Lord. And he became a Catholic priest. I mean, I don't know if he ever went.

I mean, I didn't talk to him after high school, but I assume he went with it. But that was the whole thing. He was going to be a father. Billy was going to be a father. Father Billy. Oh, there he goes. The fact that they think that there needs to be new people to teach religion like oh we need new people like no why don't you just do you need somebody else to say this shit it's been being said it's nothing new to be added

to it what's an organization yeah there's an organization that needs needs members to grow right it's a spooky organization that the amount of like one of the things that happened when Ratzinger was the Pope the the last guy who stepped down one of the reasons why he stepped down It was revealed that that guy had relocated child molesters and one of them that he relocated one up molesting a hundred deaf kids a hundred deaf kids This guy was, they relocated him

to some new place and rats, they knew he was a pedophile. I mean, this isn't not, it's not a new thing. I mean, pedophilia in the Catholic church

is fucking bananas. It's so rampant. I mean, if you had that many pedophiles, say like in NASCAR, how long would it take for they shut down NASCAR? They'd be like,

NASCAR is a fucking crazy pedophile ring. Yeah. But because the lord the lord's attached to all this kid fucking that somehow or another that guy's not in jail they just moved that guy to some new place and you know now you don't see him anymore but he he can't he was one of those guys they were trying to cry they were trying to try him for crimes against humanity there was all these um these people that were that were petitioning while he was the pope to get him tried and uh then he had to step down this new guy stepped in this new guy seems pretty cool it's like as far as popes go he got like a he got rid of the throne got like a pretty decent normal chair yeah oh that should change everything.

He doesn't ride around the Popemobile. What does he ride around in? A regular car. A Fiat? He's like, if they shoot me, they shoot me. Yeah. When was the last time they went after the Pope? Right before they built the Popemobile.

Somebody shot the Pope. I mean, people have shot the Pope before. Look, you know who's going to shoot the Pope? who got fucked by a priest yeah probably and you're talking about thousands of people it is a bananas religion if you really stop and think about how many people have been molested by priests when i was a kid i would hear about it when i was in in in catholic school i would hear about it in hushed tones amongst relatives and people that the father did something to him. And it was this and stay away from Father O'Malley and stay away from this guy. Yikes.

Yeah. I had a friend of mine who had, he had to stay over during high school for like a track and field thing. And they made them stay at the church because he was in Catholic school. and he's like i'm literally fighting this old guy off of me he goes i'm 16 years old this guy's reaching his hand in my pants he's grabbing my dick he's grabbed like he was drunk with wine he's like i'm fighting this old child molester off me how old was this guy he was like the old guy yeah i don't know he's old but my friend was like 15 yeah guy? Yeah. I don't know, he's old. But my friend was like 15, you know, high school, 14, 15. It's rare to beat the shit out of an old guy. Like really.

Maybe. Maybe the old guy's got skills. Yeah. He's been doing it for years. He knows. He knows how to molest kids. He's got moves he uses. He's fucked up.

I mean, they must have moves, right? Like you have moves with girls. Everybody has moves, right? I don't really have moves. Well, your move is, hey, I'm Hannibal. What's up? I don't say that, but I was like, hey, what's up? Blah, blah, blah. You want Everybody has moves, right? I only have moves. Well, your move is, hey, I'm Hannibal. What's up? I don't say that, but I was like, hey, what's up? Blah, blah, blah.

You want a drink? All right. Second location. Blah, blah, blah. Let's go back. Oh, you take them to a second location to show commitment. Well, yeah, to show, like, yeah, you get them in a different environment. Oh, this place is great, right?

All right, now let's go. Yeah, you got to move around. You got to move around. That makes things more active. It's a full night, a full evening. Like dinner and a movie and a movie right yeah you go to dinner and you go to a movie like you got a lot of shit happening right it's a show yeah but i mean young guys that are trying to get laid i mean that's why people wear nice clothes that's why people wear you know jewelry they drive a nice car why do they do that because they Because they want to show. Like, hey, look at me.

I'm something special. They got maybe a few good jokes they tell. Maybe they're just a smooth talker. It would feel weird to be able to fuck because of my car. I don't have a car. I don't own a car. But it would feel weird. I think that would feel more weird than fucking because of fame. Oh, yeah.

Like off of a car. Definitely. Like, look at this shit. Get in. Yeah. Let's go. Well, you have to, especially in L.A., you have to really come correct. I mean, you got to come with some strong fucking automobile if you want to fuck for your car.

There's just so many nice cars out here. You got to have, like, a Bugatti. You got to have like a Bugatti. You got to have some shit that's a house. It's a house on wheels. You can't have an Uber sticker on that shit. No matter how nice it is. Do they have stickers on Ubers?

Stickers or cards? They have a U? Well, if you have a Bugatti and you have an Uber you could say it's a goof. I like to pick people up just to freak them out. There's some nice Ubers out there. They got like S500s, Benzes. Really? Yeah. Trying to make those payments.

Yeah. If you have an S500 and you say, all right, look, I like a nice car, but I can't afford it. But if I just work two nights a week for Uber, that would be my car payment. You could do that. Yeah. I could see it. i can see it i can see it i've heard about like yeah i've heard a lot about just uber drivers pushing hard all levels of cars but definitely going in hard on on women did i really not? Not in a... I mean, there's

obviously been a couple stories of things happening, but definitely just them like, yo, what's up? And just blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah. Just really going in. That's one thing I liked about being in Japan, is that taxi drivers

don't say shit to you. Uber drivers talk too much. Uber drivers talk too... I mean, taxi drivers don't say shit to you. Uber drivers talk too much. Uber drivers talk too. I mean, taxi drivers too. But Uber drivers are way worse. Uber drivers, it's like, bro, I just want, dude, I, uh, when I was in Chicago, I was heading from my hotel.

My hotel is downtown. Heading to O'Hare. It's about 40 minutes. Early in the morning, a little bit hungover i hop in the uber it's a comic from that i sort of knew maybe 10 years back in chicago driving the uber and he starts like pitching me and shit and i hadn't seen him in years. We weren't that close when I was in Chicago. And he was just, you know, I got these ideas, man.

Can you link me with Stephen Merchant? Who's Stephen Merchant? Stephen Merchant is the tall guy from The Office. Okay. That was in the original, in Extras. He's Ricky Gervais, worked with Ricky Gervais. Okay. So he's just like, I'll ask him,

I hadn't seen this dude in 11 years or some shit, and now I'm hostage on the way to the airport for 40 minutes. Did he know that it was going to be you, or was it just totally random? He didn't know it was going to be me because I have a fake name on Uber. Oh, wow. So, yeah, it was totally random.

It was like, oh, what's up? I recognize me. But it was just like, oh, I'm getting pitched right now at like 6 in the morning. Oh, and you're tired. On a 40-minute ride. You can't tell him to shut the fuck up. I cannot. He's like yeah man

Sounds like a Real cool idea man Yeah see that's why I stopped using car services To take me to the airport Because I just didn't want to talk to anybody I'd rather just listen to podcasts And just chill, drive myself

And then when I get to When I do clubs or colleges or whatever or uh colleges never do colleges when i do theaters or whatever i just rent a car yeah i like that better man i mean most of the time you run into cool drivers most of the time but the problem is if you don't it's a pain in the ass like if you run into one dude who just talks too much it does take your it takes your mental energy like it's really i mean it's a you know a bit of an exaggeration to say it like this but it's like for like you know 15 minutes somebody can kind of steal your soul a little bit a little bit where you're just like oh me and tony hinchcliffe were in the car once and this fucking dude just joined in on our conversation. Like, we're talking about some important shit.

And Tony's asking me some questions. He's asking me for advice. And I'm like, well, I think. And the guy's like, what you should do is, well, you got to tell her to blah, blah, blah. Are you talking about a girl? Yeah. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. The fuck on, dude.

You're not even supposed to be here. Like, you're just in. You're like, you're here, but you're not supposed to be in this conversation this is a conversation like this is my friend he's asking me advice you don't even know him this is and so like the whole rest of the day was just bizarre because this dude was driving us around and just chimed in no matter what we talked about just looking in the looking at you in the the rear view i'm like dude eyes on road, motherfucker. That thing is to see cars behind us. It's not to have conversations.

When a guy's driving and he's looking at you in the rear view mirror, that motherfucker's holding your attention hostage. Because anything can happen now. Because he's not necessarily paying attention to the road. And you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. What is this guy's plan? He might as well be texting right now. He's looking at the rear view mirror.

Once I got in the car No, like this dude was Yeah, like either his phone a bigger phone or a tablet Like in the middle and he was watching like some type of Scientology YouTube video Here in LA while he was driving in LA. While he was driving? And he just kept, he was driving and kept on like glancing at it. And I, and I said, I said, Hey man, I said, Hey, turn that off.

Did you? Yeah. Cause he was for real, like looking down at the videos. What are you? He's like, sorry about that. I was just, yeah, I get that you have a lot of downtime, but now isn't that one of those times? Stop looking down at this.

And he had, also he had that shit in the speakers. That's what made it worse. Like this weird ass YouTube and then Scientology is the, what the fuck are you? Who are you, man? I had this dude that was texting the entire time. He picked me up at the airport and he was taking me somewhere. And the entire time he's on his phone. He's got his phone in his lap and he's driving and he's just doing this looking down one two three looking up looking down one two three looking up look it down one two it was

a fucking perilous terror filled ride because we're on the highway and this guy and i'm like hey man um you're making me nervous don't worry everything. Everything, no problem. Got it. No problem. I'll stop right now. And then a couple seconds later, he gets another text in. I've just got to answer this. He's looking down, looking up, looking down, looking up, looking down, looking up.

When you're looking down, your fucking car is traveling like 100 feet, 200 feet, 300 feet. Anything can happen during that time you're not looking. A dude could fuck up and come in your lane. Some shit could be on the road that you didn't see. Stinks. Stinks.

I can't wait for rental. In a few years, it's going to be rental self-driving cars. Yeah. Well, they already have that with Mercedes. You know Mercedes is a self-driving car now? Yeah. You get in the fucking car, the S- car now? Yeah. You get in the fucking car the S-classes. Yeah.

You get on the highway you like press the navigation system and you fucking get your hands off the steering wheel and you sit back and that motherfucker drives itself.

It slows down. It turns. Yeah. But does Avis have that shit yet? That's what I mean. I want to be able to go to Columbus, Ohio. That's going to happen.

I'd like to upgrade to the self-driving Mercedes. That's's going to happen. I'd like to upgrade to the self-driving Mercedes. That's definitely going to happen. Well, when that happens, it's going to be more boring but more safe. Yeah. You know, because I wonder if you'll be able to, like, take it out of self-driving mode. But then you'll have, like, self-driving cars and then assholes slamming into self-driving cars. Oh, yeah.

That'll be a problem. It's going to get weird in the next five years. Weird as fuck. It's already weird. Stuff is going to get really weird. You want to see weird? Go to Brody Stevens' Periscope. All day long, he periscopes.

He periscopes everything he does. He periscopes his drive to the comedy store. He periscopes at the comedy store. He got arrested last night for it. Brody got arrested? He was pulled over and the cops pulled up behind him and detained him, I think. No.

Yeah. He was in a spot where a robbery was reported, I guess. It wasn't him. Oh, so he didn't get arrested for Periscope.

It just, at the same time he was Periscoping. Oh, that's hilarious. They don't know, obviously. They don't know he's Brody motherfucking Stevens. I'm gonna step out real quick. Oh, you gotta hilarious. They don't know, obviously. They don't know he's Brody motherfucking Stevens.

I'm going to step out real quick. Oh, you got to pee? Yeah. How dare you. Yeah, that's pretty funny. Yeah, he's sitting there talking to the two, just like a normal periscope that he does. And you see the lights come up behind him. He's like, oh, oh, oh.

And he came back up like an hour later with a new periscope saying like what happened. Yeah, every time I run into him at the comedy store, he's on periscope. I've been in like five of his Periscopes just saying hi to him. Yeah, he walks in Periscoping. Yeah, he's a fucking character, man. He's such a character. But he's one of those guys that's embraced that aspect of social media

at a ridiculous level. Like he literally will Periscope his whole life. Brian was doing it a lot for a while, but he's kind of abandoned it. A little bit. He still does it some. I don't do it at all anymore. I haven't periscoped in like a year. It's taken off a little bit more because it's on apps now for TVs.

Like the Apple TV, it's built in there. I saw something else had it built into it too. So you can watch it on a big screen without having to have it just on your phone and having to choose what you watch. And they're giving you things to look at now too. Dude, I'm super suspicious about apple tv now because my apple tv used to work great until the new apple tv came out and now my apple tv fucks up all the time it kicks me off and reboots it stops shows and goes right back to the main menu and then i'm suspicious about you want another beer um i'm suspicious about the...

There's a class action lawsuit that someone filed about the old phones. They said that the old phones stopped working when the new operating system would come out because the new operating system is designed for the new phones, and they had made it so that the old phones were slow. I wonder if they would actually do that to... Brian thinks so. Brian's convinced. It could also be a matter of just like they're making so much great new software that the old

processors and whatnot just aren't made to use it. Yeah, but that's not fun to think like that. It's not fun to think like that. That's not the way they sell it either, though. They sell it as though you should be able to use it. Yeah. Well, you should be able to have an iPhone 4 and fucking keep the old operating system and be good.

It used to work good. Why does it work good anymore? I don't want to fucking play games on it. I don't want to watch videos. I just want to, god damn it, right? You need an actual opener. They just announced their first time for the, I think ever, the sales on iPhones are down. For the quarter.

What? I wonder why. Because everybody on iPhones are down for the quarter. What? I wonder why. Because everybody has one. That's why. It's because everybody's switching to Samsung. Are you? Are you switching to Samsung? Is that what you're trying to say? Those new Samsungs are pretty fucking slick. They are very slick. The new ones are about as good. Thank you, sir.

The new ones are about as good as an iPhone. Just as good with some features that iPhones don't have. You know? I'm sorry. I'm being a shill. I just did a Samsung commercial. Samsung's great, man. I have a Samsung. I got one of those Galaxies. Yeah? Yeah, the phone that we use for this podcast. They're good. You got one right there. Look at you, fella. You're not fucking around But do you miss like certain apps That are only iPhone native?

No No? Alright I would I would Like the Instagram for Android's bullshit You think so? Bullshit Instagram

Yeah, it sucks You gotta update Oh yeah? The new one's better? They fixed it? I think so The old one was dog shit Don't get defensive

I'm not defensive at all. I just started. I'm having a good time. Me too. I really didn't. I wasn't defensive at all. Okay. We're live on the internet right now.

That camera's on? That camera is live on the internet right now. Yeah? Yeah. What's up, everybody? Thank you. Thank you. It's been two years, man.

I know. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. Yeah, we got to do more shit years, man. I know. It's kind of crazy. Yeah. Yeah, we got to do more shit together, man. I really enjoy your company. It's a fun time. It's been good. I'm enjoying it.

I got more stories. More crazy stories. Got any more you'd like to share with people before we wrap this up? What's a crazy one that happened? So I'm in Japan. I went out there for a winter vacation. Just for fucking around? Yeah, a couple other comics went out there.

Eric Andre, Byron Bowers. I love Byron. Byron is a crazy person. He's a great dude. I love that dude. He's a good dude. He's a maniac. Yeah, he's a great dude I love that dude he's a good dude he's a maniac yeah he's a fun guy

yeah and a couple other guys Jay Catapretta Nick Rutherford Doug Pound and a couple other people they took a trip out to Japan I popped out there

got out there January 3rd I was hanging out with this girl out there. We go to this bar. It's a nice bar in Japan called JBS. Jazz, Blue, Soul. Also, a lot of the bars out there, the names of them in English are very on the nose. It's a hip-hop club.

All right, it's Club Harlem. Shit like that. Like, oh, the club that plays soul. Oh, let's call it Ebony. Like, shit's a hip-hop club. All right, it's Club Harlem. Shit like that. Like, shit like, oh, the club that plays soul. Oh, let's call it Ebony. Like, shit like really on the nose. So we go to Jazz Blue Soul. If you're ever in Tokyo, check it out. It's a small bar.

I don't know the owner's name, but it's full of vinyl records. And you can just request. He has all types of vinyl records. Is it a lot of Japanese people there or Americans? It was some Japanese people, but it was in Tokyo at this bar. In Tokyo? In Tokyo, it's some, but you don't see a lot. But the bar?

But the bar itself, it only holds 10, 15. It's a small spot. 10 or 15 people? If that, yeah, packed. Wow. Like 10, 15, like it'll be packed with 20-something. Yeah. It's a small spot. 10 or 15 people? If that. Yeah, packed. Wow. It'll be packed with 20 something. It's this room. Maybe. It's smaller than this room.

Whoa. Jimmy, let's start a bar. We can have a bar. They also have this area called the Golden Guy. It's an area full of small bars that only hold four or five people. They're smaller than that place, like super small places.

So I'm at this bar. The guy just knows the collection. It's a wall full of vinyl, and then there's some behind the bar also. So I was just like, what do you want to hear? I say, Stevie Wonder, Songs of the Key of Life. And he just walks right up to the spot. I mean, it's not Stevie, but he just walks up to a bunch of records. He didn't even flip through none or nothing.

He just did what exactly he wanted. He just went, boop, grabbed it, put it on there. So we're hanging out. And it was just, I'm with the girl it was half japanese half white but she knew japanese and english and she saw a friend there so they started talking in japanese there's this white chick there that's super drunk like blush on her eyes is all fucked up and weird like she had that stereotypical like she looks central casting drunk right you know what i mean like she was going to an audition to be a drunk lady right after she was at the bar so they start

talking in japanese she talked to me a little bit i found out she lives in the same neighborhood that i do williamsburg brother she starts they start talking in japanese she's like you know what they're saying i'm like nah she's just being played. And then she says, is this your wife? I said, no, that's not my wife. Is that your wife?

I said, no, it's not my wife. It's not your wife. I was like, why'd you just ask me the same thing three times in a row? Cause I just, she's just asked me,

I guess she was that faded. Dog, her face turns and she's just, I could just see her getting upset. She starts flipping out like, fuck you. You didn't have to be disrespectful. No, fuck him. He thinks because he's with a Japanese girl, he's well-trained. Like, started it.

You think you're some cool comedian. So then it revealed that she knew. I didn't tell her who I was. I didn't say my job or anything to her. So she knew me, but she didn't show it. So now she is in a different, she's just super upset. Fuck you, you came all the way over here. And then she started getting racist.

She's like, he's a monkey. He's a monkey. I'm like, he's a monkey. He's a monkey. I'm like, yo, this is crazy. Am I being called a monkey by a white woman from Williamsburg in Tokyo right now? What the fuck is happening? Wow, you should take pictures of her. Put it up all around Williamsburg. I should.

Have you seen this dummy? Have you seen it? I should have. I thought about starting dummy? Have you seen I should have I thought about Starting to film it But it was just so weird That she For real

All I did Objectively I wasn't that fat So I'd have a Clear Recall of the situation I only just said Why

You just asked me If this is my wife Three times Why I told you no The first two times Like And she just went off tilt, man.

It was one of the weirdest things. Well, there's a weird thing that happens sometimes when someone's famous like you and they're not where they feel like it's possible that you think you're cool because you're famous. Like you think you're better than them. So they look for any little thing. Any little thing. Oh, you think you're better than them you know so like they look for any little thing any little thing oh you think you're too good you know they're looking for that thing too good to listen to me repeat myself i don't listen to it but i i'll tell you i'll tell

you that you're doing that's disrespect it was the it was so weird man alcoholism when someone's that blasted who knows what's going on in their mind no she definitely was i could tell she was because when she started getting raised it didn't affect me but it was just i could tell she was i accidentally hurt her feelings but she was trying to hurt you she was trying to hurt me and i could see she was like almost on the verge of tears when all i said was stop saying the same thing over and over which i would say to anybody if i said that to one of my buddies they'd be like oh shit i'm fucked up you know what i mean right but if you don't know someone they say that to them and then especially if they're dumb and no one calls them out on their stupidity it could be devastating yeah you know

sometimes people do have that sort of thing though when they meet you like that's that guy from tv i've seen him on comedy central that's hann. I just want to go over and talk to him. Hey, how you doing? We were talking, and it was fine. But when she got into repetitive mode, it was just weird. She couldn't handle you checking her. I don't know. Checked her too hard.

Well, it was a soft check. It was light work, man. Light work! Light work, man. Light work! But I do find that sometimes where even, like, I'll joke around with people too harsh. It's like a fighter, you know, sparring with something. Like, it's not the same.

Like, you can't act the same. Well, you can, but if people don't know you, then it's just, they can be kind of taken aback and thrown off because it's like oh this dude's an asshole it's like no that's just how i right talk with people well also you're a new york comic or your comic that lives in new york yeah and new york in particular is a fun place to be a comic yeah fun place to interact with other comics but like people are fucking ruthless to each other but for fun yeah like what did I just tell you bitch

and you'd start ah we would laugh but if you said that to someone in real life that's like super sensitive like what did I just

tell you bitch they'd be like you don't have to call me bitch man what kind of a fucking piece of shit are you man you think just because

you're on Comedy Central you can call me bitch yeah like even comics at the cellar or Keith Robinson a couple other people, like, hey, what's up, stupid?

Look at, and then stupid over here says this, and that's how you talk, yeah, just like, oh, this idiot, like, hey, stupid, you doing, are you doing, you got a set tonight, stupid? And you just send that in a text, and it's just, no, it's done with, but it's done with love, you know? Yeah, it's done with love,

and that's something maybe we understand that other people don't. I did a theater in Miami. And Wanda Sykes and Keith Robinson were doing the early show. And I was doing the late show. The Fillmore? I think it might have been the Fillmore. I don't remember what theater it was. But anyway, when I got there, I said bye to them.

They were leaving. And then I bye to them they were leaving and then i got to my dressing room and there was two napkins that they left wanda left a napkin i hope you have a great show joe you know kill them wanda and then keith robinson wrote i hope you bomb harder than you ever have in your life your friend keith i saved it i took a picture of it, and I put it online. To me, it was funny. But if someone's fucking real sensitive and they see something like that, they'd be like, well, what the fuck, Keith? I haven't seen you in 10 years, man.

This is the shit you leave me? But it was warm for me. I felt good that he took the time to do that. It felt good to me. But Keith's great at that that's uh but that's that whole new york style of comedy it's a very different style than like la comics like la comics there's not that sort of some that i mean it's only i know it's only a handful that i know well that you know i'm close with like that but but it's different. It is different. Yeah. Well,

New York's a harsher environment. I did have a situation where somebody joked with me. It was, it's very specific situation where somebody joked with me and I haven't talked to that person for five years because of that joke. Damn. Uh, you don't have to say their name, but what did they say? No, I won't say their name. So when I was in South Carolina, Charleston, South Carolina, 2011, 2010, 2011, the day before my birthday a few years ago, I was out there doing some shows with Aziz. And I was hanging out at a bar, hanging out with a couple girls, hop in the car with them to go back to wherever the fuck. Dude, and then wake up in a stretcher. We got in a car accident and shit.

Oh, shit. Yeah. This is where I got this scar from. So I had my skull fractured. I had a few stitches right here. Whoa. It's like the day before my birthday. The way it was my birthday.

You woke up on a stretcher. I woke up. What happened? I don't remember. I don't remember. I just woke up in the hospital. I just woke up in the hospital. And so I'm laying in the hospital.

I had tweeted out a photo of my fucked up ass face. And to go back, a few years ago, it was a comic friend of mine. I had got tickets to see the Clippers or the Lakers, and I invited him. I pick him up in my rental car out here, and I wasn't wearing my seatbelt. And he's like, you're not going to wear your seatbelt. And we have back and forth. I'm like, no, I'm not wearing my seatbelt. Sometimes I don't wear my seatbelt, whatever. And so I'm laid up.

After I posted this, I'm laid up in the hospital with my skull fractured. And then this motherfucker, I hadn't even been talking to him that much around this time. And I hadn't heard from him in months. And I get a text. Bet you're going to wear your seatbelt now. And I was like, what the fuck? But I didn't think that was the right time. My skull was fractured, and I hadn't heard from him in months.

But I don't think he meant it maliciously, but I think it was a bit tone deaf. What do you think? Depends on who it is. If it was a good friend, like if I got in a car accident and Ari Shafir, if he did that, I would laugh. Right. Because he's such a close friend that he can't really do anything that would hurt me. You know what I mean? Right.

But I think it was based off of, he was holding on to this seatbelt argument from a couple years ago. Oh, so you guys had like a real disagreement. I don't think it was a real, it might have been real on it, but it was just me being more like i fuck a seat belt you must not have liked that dude because if you really liked him you'd laugh like if it was keith robinson wouldn't you laugh i don't i mean that's like his style like that's something you'd say you bet you wear your seat belt now dummy like he would say you would you probably laugh if you saw that man it depends on how bad you're hurt, too. When you're hurt, you're not feeling any jokes. Your fucking head's pounding. You got a fractured skull.

I'm in the hospital. Yeah. Fractured skull. Doped up. It's my birthday now. I don't know. I didn't like that joke. I was talking about it with a mutual friend, and I think I might try to bury the hatchet soon.

Five years later. Hey, man, listen, though. It takes some time sometimes. It does. I'm a stubborn person. But, yeah. Well, I understand. Certain people can joke with you.

Like, someone maybe, like, will hear you and Keith or someone like that joke around like that, and then they'll see you at a club, and they'll say some stupid shit to you and they'll think it's funny yeah because they think they can get away with things like that but they're not in with you right you know so it's like hey man fucking settle down it wasn't I think it was because I hadn't even talked with that person for months and months and it didn't even lead with a, you good, man? Then the joke, it was just out of nowhere, the joke. And the last text was like six months prior. Do you think that person is funny?

Yeah. Real funny? I think they're talented, yes. Okay. Yeah. You don't like them as a person, maybe? Annoying, slightly? I haven't hung with them in years.

But, yeah, I don't know. There's time and a place for everything. Yeah. Laid up in the hospital is different. It really depends on who it is, man. It just depends on some... That's one of those fine lines where the right person can send you that and you'll be laughing your ass off.

But the wrong person can send you that and you'll be like, fuck this dude. I'm not talking to this guy anymore. I don't think... You think anybody send you that, you'd be upset? Like if Byron Bower sent you that, you'd be upset? I think

in that situation I'd be upset maybe afterwards talking shit right maybe talking like it's context

you know what I mean yeah I talked one time about uh when I one time I got a tweet when I I was like

I don't know why I checked my Twitter right before bed this one time. It was me and my girl. We were about to crash out. And for some reason I checked my Twitter and it was like, hey, good show at the Comedy Cellar. You got fat though. And I was like, what the fuck? Right before I'm about to fucking fuck my girlfriend, you got fat?

If I was at the bar and I just happened to check and it was like, oh, you Like, if I was at the bar, and I just happened to check, and they're like, oh, you got fat. I'm like, ah, fuck off. But right before bed, I'm like, oh, man, this is rough timing for that. So I think it is timing and shit. Timing is everything. I might burn. I don't think they meant it in malicious way, but that shit was like, really?

I'm drugged up in a hospital bed in south carolina of all places yeah oh another detail that happened when uh because this is it was coming into my 29th birthday so i think it was 2012 or 20 anyways uh so aziz finds out he comes to the hospital to and this and so he's there and so there's like nurses and shit

like holy shit Aziz I'm sorry and he's like can you chill out my friend is and people are like can I take a picture

with you I love your work it's like you need to worry about this work right here this TV show the Hannibal Buress just got his shit smashed in show

but people will they were legitimately fanning out over aziz over my hospital bed it was super unprofessional yeah that's not nice how how fucked up were you like were, were you, uh, did you have, they have, like, you in one of those halos? Did they have your head, like? Not in a halo, but my, I was fucked up. My, this, my forehead, this was, I had a few stitches here. Still got the scar from that. Uh, and, uh. But your skull was fractured? Skull was fractured right here.

I think it was because I was wearing glasses. Oh. And the glasses went into here whoa but uh like how bad is a fracture did they have to do anything not no it was just like a just let it let it uh heal let it heal on its own type of cast on your head yeah they can't put it they can't can they probably if you want to pay if you want to pay for that. You want to pay extra? You like an Iron Man cast? So, yeah, we had to push back production on,

I think that was going into the first season of Eric Andre's show. So we had to push back production because my face was all fucked up. Wow. Yeah, it was. That's pretty gnarly, waking up on a stretcher. Yeah. That's got to be a bizarre feeling. It was. Yeah, I don't remember. Do waking up on a stretcher. Yeah. That's got to be a bizarre feeling. It was, yeah.

I don't remember. Do you think about that when you get in cars now? Like, do you get in cars, do you think, I mean, that's a pretty significant... I don't think, I don't really, it didn't, no, I don't think about it. Occasionally, but I don't think about it that much. What happened? Who caused the accident? I couldn't tell you, man.

Wow. I couldn't tell you. I couldn't even, no, I don't know. Wow. Wow. Missing, just a missing I couldn't even. No, I don't know. Wow. Missing. Just a missing chunk of time. Just a missing chunk of time. Fucking head injuries.

There's no fun. Yeah. That's scary shit. Yeah. You can bury the hatchet with your friend. I think so. I've been growing up lately. You're growing up?

Growing up, man. Trying to be nicer, more positive. Yeah. That's one thing about being more recognizable is that it gives me constant opportunities to work on my social skills. That's funny. So I'm like, oh, I fucked it up with that person. That was weird weird so let me what did I learn

alright be more give people more energy be positive to people it can help them out well also it takes a little time to recognize

that they're gonna have a different feeling about you than you have about them to them to you they're a person that you've never met

but to them meeting you is all, it's weighted. There's a lot of weight to it, a lot of gravity to the moment. Right. And sometimes people just get overwhelmed by it and they fuck up and stumble. Yeah. And then they call you a monkey and scream at you. Like that fucking crazy bitch. One thing I stopped doing is I stopped correcting people that call me by character names.

Oh. I used to do that. I used to be that dude. I character names oh I used to do that I used to be that dude I used to be because I do the show Broad City this is my probably my most popular character and people will say Lincoln hey Lincoln and I used to be like no Lincoln is a character that I play my name is Hannibal I used to be that like that right and now i'm just like fuck it lincoln it is just say hi hey yeah what's up yep how you doing how you doing yeah it's tricky man the learning how to navigate the waters of people knowing you and you don't know them and then also alcohol you know you're out when they're they recognize you and they're drunk i remember uh

i met this uh fucking god damn it this guy has been in a million movies. I'm trying to remember his name. But I met him once. It's probably good that I don't say his name. I don't remember his name. But I met him at one of those, you know, they have those press junket things they do. They have NBC as all their talent and all their producers. TCA's?

Yeah, one of those fucking things. And reporters are wandering around. They interview people while you're drinking. Did they do it in Pasadena? Yes. It was in Pasadena. And I was going on the hallway to the bathroom, and I ran into this dude, and I've seen him in a hundred movies and everything like that.

And I was like, what's up, man? You're doing it? What are you doing here, man? And I remember he was like, yeah, I'm working. And he walked by me and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm an idiot. Yeah. I just dorked out drunk and he didn't respond the way I thought he was going to. He responded like I'm a drunk dork.

Yeah. And that was the right way to do it. But I remember thinking, man, man i gotta be aware if someone ever does that to me right like how because this is a feeling when you see somebody that's been in movies before and you're like i'm fucking you're the guy and you know just it's a just a lesson no definitely i try to you know be more appreciative and less dismissive, you know? It's part of being a comic, too, is that, like, there's this, like,

constant mocking thing going on of everything. But you have to, you do have to turn it off sometimes. Yeah. Or at least, if not turn it off,

turn it down to two. To two. To two. To mild. Mild, friendly. Yeah. Life lessons with Hannibal Buress, ladies and gentlemen. I got to wrap this bitch up.

Bring it home. What do you got going on, man? Is there anything you're promoting? Netflix special. Oh, shit. Comedy. Comisado. On February.

February 5th. What does comisado mean? Comisado means a military attack that occurs at night. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. Where'd you film this? I filmed it at Minneapolis at the Varsity Theater.

How's that place? This place is great. It holds about 500, 600 people. Ooh, that's a good size. Yeah. How high is the ceiling? I don't have those dimensions. But is it high?

Is it a high ceiling? It's all right. It was all right. This is my sweatiest special by far. I was super so people don't think i was working hard oh that's a good size though 500 seats yeah i did uh because i wanted to kind of i i instead of doing just two shows that i did six shows total oh just to get comfortable in the venue that's smart and then filmed the last two so i was there thursday uh wednesday thursday friday in minneapolis and it was just then then by the end of the week it felt like a you know just a club gig right right right in a bigger spot in a club gig but it was it was loose not loose but it was it was just a weird thing is that I think most times,

at least in my experience, the second show is usually the better show. This one, the first show, knocked it out of the park. And then the second show was weird. We probably only used two or three minutes From the second show Really And everything else Is from the first show Wow

Yeah But it was good And I'm excited about it Excited that the other Two specials Live from Chicago Animal Furnace Will be on Netflix also

And uh Yeah man Thanks for having me again Anytime brother Anytime This was fun Always Anytime

You gotta open invitations Just holler at me And come on by. If I've got another guest, you can sit in and talk shit in the background. Do whatever the fuck you want, man. You're Hannibal Buress. All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's it. That's it for the whole fucking week.

It's over, bitches. We'll be back next week. A lot of entertaining guests. I'll fill you in with details later, but I've got some good guests next week. All right. See you. Bye-bye.