The Joe Rogan Experience - #758 - Tom Papa

Episode Date: February 9, 2016

Tom Papa is a comedian, actor, writer and television/radio host. Tom has a great story on "This Is Not Happening" here - http://youtu.be/487y7zJzkFM http://www.tompapa.com/ http://podcasts.joerogan.net

person to do it on their thing like we're plug into it we're live we're just discussing uh very critical um sound engineering issues we will take care of on the uh next version of this studio i'm gonna build something either in downtown or near here we haven't decided really yeah i always figured you had it here because you live here yeah i do but but i like downtown i like the idea of being on the top of a big building. My other option, and I've been looking at land, my other option is in Topanga Canyon to build an actual compound. My problem is I'm afraid, because I know me, I don't necessarily trust me, I'm afraid I'll go whole hog Colonel Kurtz and start a real compound once I have the actual land and start putting things in

and realize I'm not really that restricted financially from building shit I might just start getting crazy and then you can but all your followers could work that's the problem then it becomes a problem the unstable ones shows up with a fucking suicide vest downtown's a bit of a pain in the ass, though. Getting there sucks. And someone had a show down there, and I had to park in this weird thing and cut through a Macy's to get to where the thing was. Downtown could be a little tricky, unless you get a cool Soho kind of loft space. That's what I'm thinking. What I was thinking of is getting a high-rise, like a top floor on a high-rise. Just get crazy and get something with the most dope,

ridiculous view and have that view be the background when we do shows, especially nighttime shows. That'd be pretty sweet and a good vantage point when the earthquake comes. Have you ever been in a high-rise during the quake? Well, I'm going to have a parachute for you and for Jamie

and for all of us. And we're just going to shoot through one of the windows. I'll have a shotgun. We'll blast through one of the windows. And then we're just going to jump. I was in San Francisco. Two summers ago. Not last summer.

The one before. During that earthquake. They had a little. Up in Napa. It was the Napa one. And I had a show there that night. I'm in a high rise. Get up to go to the bathroom at around 2 in the morning.

On my way back, the whole building like a rubber band. Just back. I was like, what the? Oh, they're on rollers. Yeah. And that thing just scariest. I just laid on the bed and was like, all right, maybe this is going down. You laid on the bed to deal with it? Yeah, I just kind just laid on the bed and was like, all right, maybe this is going down.

You laid on the bed? Laid on the bed. To deal with it? Yeah, I just kind of collapsed on the bed. Don't they say you're supposed to get in a door frame? There was nothing but just terror. Terror? Yeah, completely. Wow.

Really weird. And I was like, and it was over. I'm like, do I just go to the airport? I should just get the hell out of town, right? Just start running towards the fucking middle of the country. Yeah, right, exactly. Run towards Nebraska. That was my instinct.

I looked out the window. I didn't see people running in droves, so I just said, well, this will see how freaked out I am if I can just go back to sleep. And I did. I just fell asleep. Did you ever read the article? Was it in New Yorker? I don't remember what magazine it was in. There was an article that was essentially saying the Pacific Northwest, like Seattle, is a ticking time bomb.

It's a matter of time before it gets hit by a massive tsunami and an earthquake. 100% going to happen. Might happen in 100 years. Might happen in two. Who knows? Yeah. I'm going i'm going there this weekend are you where are you at parlor live love that place good club that combines my

two favorite things in life pool playing pool and a comedy club it's almost like they designed it for me it is pretty perfect i haven't been there in a while so what what happens like when they say like at that level that they say it'll hit? What happens to, like, does that mean Seattle goes into the ocean? Yeah, this was the article. It was the New Yorker. The really big one. This woman, by the way, received so much hate and, I think, fucking threats and all kinds of crazy shit that she had to, I think she had to make an amendment to this. The not so big one.

To say, hey, fuckers, relax. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm just... But notice Mexico seems fine. It goes all the way down to California. All the way to... See the peel that they're showing in the illustration? I think Mexico's our move.

Come on, Tom Papa. Let's do it. Let's go. San Diego might not be a bad spot either. It doesn't seem to be falling off. That's not too quaky. No, and it's filled with military people. They'll know what to do.

Yeah, Pendleton. Yeah, they're right there. They'll know what to do. That's a good spot to be if the shit hits the fan. Yeah. Bunch of motherfuckers who've prepared for the shit hitting the fan. Do you have a kit? A kit.

Yeah, do you have an emergency kit? I have food. You have food? Freeze dry food and water. Keep it in the garage fridge? Yeah. Well you have an emergency kit? I have food. You have food? Freeze dry food and water. Keep it in the garage fridge? Yeah. Well, I have garage freezers. I have freezers in the garage.

Okay. And I have giant coolers that I'll keep. I have these Yeti coolers. You ever see, you know what a Yeti cooler is? No. Yeti coolers are really high-end hunting coolers, like outdoorsman coolers. Right. They will keep ice.

I use it when I brine things. Like if I brine a ham. Like I smoke hams. You ever smoke a ham? Yeah. No. Oh, it's so delicious. Yeah.

Man, there's nothing like it. It takes a long time to do. How long? It takes like six days to brine it. Six days? Six days. Wow. Yeah.

But then once you smoke it and then cook it like right out of the smoker and then serve it, oh my God, it's amazing. Really? My kids scream when they eat it. They're like, this is amazing! Because it just melts in your mouth. It's just so tender and moist and delicious. Jeez.

So where's the cooler come in? What do you mean? I leave it in the cooler for six days by itself in a bucket. So I brine the ham. I take the ham. I put a bucket of water with salt, garlic, some brown sugar, and a few other spices. I forget what it is. Some Himalayan pink salt. And then it sits in this cooler. I surround the cooler with ice or surround the bucket

with ice. And I lock it down and I just leave it outside for days. Six days later, I open it up and it's still got ice in it. Really? Yeah. See that? That's one that I cooked. Oh, man. That looks good.

Yeah. Five hours at 250 degrees. How many pounds is that? That was about, I want to say like a three pound one somewhere. Jeez. Yeah. It was so good. Oh, my God.

You see all the juices at the bottom of that plate yeah it's like you cut into and it's just squirting in your face it's so good so good jesus yeah that is that's a wild wild ham so that's during the apocalypse that's what you're gonna live on well my point is that those yeti coolers can keep things cold for a really long time right so like you could have like if you frozen meat, it'll stay frozen in those things for a week. Right. Or at least cold enough where you don't have to worry about it going bad. So you can keep all your stuff in there.

So I have meat that'll last for a week. I have, like, a week of meat. And then. Okay. Generator? I have a generator. You do? Yeah.

I'm going solar, though. I'm turning my whole house solar. I think I am as well. It's crazy to not in California. I know. You have to drop pretty good cash at the beginning. Yes. It'll take about five years to get it back? You might not ever get it back. You might not ever.

But you can have it set up where you're always going to have power and you're completely off the grid. Right. That's the big thing. Which Brian Callen has been trying to get them to turn over to his solar. And he says they're really resistant. Really? Yeah.

He paid for panels. He had the whole thing set up. And he's like, it's really interesting. He's like, they make it super difficult for you to do this because they're fighting the solar companies. They don't want them to be autonomous. They don't want people to be autonomous. They also want you to be connected to the grid.

Yeah. If you choose to remove yourself from the grid and be just 100% solar, it's a huge issue. Really? Yep. Very hard to get done. So has he cut off completely from you? He's not. So you pay like a couple cents a month just to stay on?

I don't know. I don't know. You'd have to talk to Brian. Right. But for the longest time, I don't know if he's gotten it turned over. But for the longest time, they weren't turning it over. I'm talking about six months. So he makes a sizable investment, spends tens of thousands of dollars, has all this equipment installed in his yard, and they wouldn't turn it on.

He's like, I couldn't get them to turn it on. I have a Tesla. And I want to go solar, so it's the car. So completely. and I want to go solar, so it's the car, so completely. But the battery, like the charger, you can get a rebate off of this thing. The amount of paperwork you have to show the city of L.A. for them to give you $700 back is insane.

You have to take pictures of your house, pictures of the charger, receipts from the company, certificates of work, things from the panel. I mean, it's a list of like 12 things. It's like, you know, and if I have to go to the mailbox once with the right stamp, it's like it's going to take weeks for me to pull that off. You're a comic. I'm not doing it. I'm like, all right, I guess I'm not going to play ball. They make you do $700 worth of work to get your $700 worth of rebate. Right, exactly.

You would think they would be the opposite. You'd think they'd be... No. You'd think that they would encourage because it would ease the grid. Yeah. I rented a Tesla for a day because we have a sponsor. It's called Skurt, S-K-U-R-T, and they're real new. But what they're doing is they're essentially like Uber for rental cars.

So, like, say if you were outside the comedy store and you're like, I need a rental car. I want to drive to San Francisco. Right. They'll fucking show up in 20 minutes with a rental car, and you take that bitch and drive it up the coast. Jeez. It's crazy. Yeah, you have an application on your phone, right? You use the app, you order up a car, and you can get a Tesla.

So I said, okay. Wow, I want to try this service out before we do it. Let's get me a Tesla. Amazing. So I got a Tesla. It was a fucking service. It was excellent. They show up, they give you the thing,

they give you the key. Do you know how to do it? I said, yeah, I watched a couple of videos. I'm good. They go, okay. It's real strange because the Tesla doesn't start. No. And that's a weird...

Power's up. Yeah, that's a weird one for people. You get in and you go, okay, why isn't it starting? There's no revving the gas. No, there's no gas. There's no brum brum. There's no brum brum at all. No.

And it just sort of, you put it in drive and okay, we're going. Oh, okay. Yeah. But what got me was how quick the battery drained. I was like, ooh, I don't like this. How quick did it drain? I live out here, which is about a half hour to the improv. I drove all the way to the improv,

back, I drove here, home, back to the improv, and back home, and then back here, and it was more than a half tank. More than a half gone. I'm like, that's not 240 miles. But that's half. That's 120. But that's half. That's 120.

But it's not even. It's not even. It's maybe 60 miles worth of driving. Maybe. Were you punching it? You must have been because it's a fast car. I don't think I drive any other way. That's what I do.

There is a big difference when you're slamming it. There's like a thing. It shows you the sweet spot. That's probably around 65. It's around granny level. But man, when you blast that thing. Yeah, it's crazy. But it eats up the juice.

But it's weird how it accelerates without gears, which is very hard for people who've driven a regular car to comprehend. But it's instant on. So, like a golf cart. Yeah. Like a Mongo golf cart. a mongo golf cart yeah super golf cart it's fun even going from zero to 35 40 yeah just to get that punch it's a wonderful car it's amazing what they've done is amazing i came here from down around wilshire, like Beverly Hills area, get on the 405, hit autopilot, and I didn't steer until I got off of the 101. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. I didn't touch the brake. I didn't touch the accelerator. I didn't steer. Were you texting? I looked at a text. I looked at a text. That freaks me out, man.

It drives better than I do. What is it doing? It's got a camera and it's scanning the environment? It's got cameras and sensors. So on the dashboard, it'll show the two lines that it picked up visually. It'll pick up the speed based on a sign. And then it has cars, shadow cars around you. It's reading all the cars around you.

Jesus. And it just goes. You set it at the speed, like cruise control, and it just brakes. And if you want to change lanes, you just hit the directional, and if it thinks it's safe, it'll change lanes for you. Well, I have one of those Lexus SUVs. Yeah. And it'll accelerate and decelerate depending upon the traffic. So it has a laser sensor, and it gives you options.

Like you could ride someone's ass, and then it'll do it that way. Or you could spread it out where it's like four cars in front of you, it starts to brake. Right. Which is the way I have it set up. Because I don't think it doesn't brake that good. It a giant ass truck right in traffic it's pretty great like when i take my kids to school i'll hop on the 101 and i'll uh to not have to deal with the braking stopping going that part is just sweet yeah it's awesome it's really great i mean they say in uh car insurance companies are getting ready for the collapse of their business.

Good. They say once everything's automated, they think, this is the insurance companies talking, that it's going to be an 85% decrease in accidents. Wow. That's how much better the car. And I know the car is a better driver than I am. Yeah. More cautious, sees more.

As long as you have the option to be autonomous on a country road you know as long as like you get on a country road you could just fucking zoom around and drive and yeah see things you mean do it on your own yeah yeah because when you get on those roads like i put it on autopilot go into the comedy store and i go from sh Hooks over Laurel, you know, Laurel Canyon's wavy gravy and weird turns and people. And it's a little nerve wracking. So when you're doing that, so you're doing all those turns, it's doing it completely by itself on Laurel?

To a point. Oh, no, I don't like that. To a point. That's what I'm saying. That's the scary part. Because it doesn't really, because, you know, Laurel, it's old road. like that. To a point. That's what I'm saying. That's the scary part. Because it doesn't really... Because, you know, Laurel, it's old road. You can't read the lines.

Yeah. There's a lot of weirdness going on. Oh, fuck. You can't... I've tried it, especially when you come back down towards Ventura, and there's like that really whipping turn. Yeah. That, you don't want to just let the car do it.

Maybe it's going to be one of those things where they're going to be forced to have to redo the roads to deal with these electric cars that have to read the sensors. Maybe. The other thing is I think the technology is going to be GPS driven also. Oh. So that'll help if it syncs up that. That way the government can just fucking shut you down and pull you over. They could exterminate you if you do anything wrong.

Well, you know, that's the grand conspiracy theory about Michael Hastings. Do you know who Michael Hastings is? Mm-mm. That's the grand conspiracy theory about Michael Hastings. Do you know who Michael Hastings is? Michael Hastings is a journalist. He wrote an article for Rolling Stone about a general who was involved in the war, and he was embedded. And while he was embedded over there, just coincidentally, it was when they had that big Icelandic volcano. Do you remember that Icelandic volcano? Yeah. Well, it globally crippled flights for a long time.

I remember that all through Europe. Yeah. Well, it globally crippled flights for a long time. I remember that all through Europe. Yeah. So he was stuck over there for, I want to say like an extra month. And when he was stuck over there, they got a little too comfy with this guy. And they started cracking a bunch of jokes about, uh, vice president Biden. Who's that? Um, the soldiers and the general. And, uh, I don't remember McAllister. Was it mcallister which whichever general yeah i believe it was mcallister he had to step down after the article came out because the article was just absolutely brutal and uh it was devastating and so this this michael hastings character started receiving like some serious tangible death threats they're like you're a

dead motherfucker like we're gonna find you find you. You just cost American lives because you just got rid of one of the best generals ever because you don't think it's politically correct that this guy jokes around about a guy like Joe Biden, who's obviously a fucking goof. Joe Biden's a goof. He's a goof. And if you don't think he's a goof,

why isn't he running for president? Why isn't he running, ladies and gentlemen? For a bunch of reasons. One of them, Joe Biden was a plagiarist. Joe Biden, when I was in Boston at Stitch's Comedy Club in 1988, which is back when he was running for president but had to abandon his campaign, because they found his speeches were just in gigantic chunks of President Kennedy speeches. No. Yes. He stole from Kennedy? Kennedy! What? Nobody knew. of President Kennedy speeches. No. Yes. You stole from Kennedy?

Kennedy! Nobody knew. Back before the internet, nobody knew that you couldn't get away with shit like that. That's crazy. But he got away with it because of actual political scholars who were like, hey, fuckhead, I know that fucking speech. That's hilarious. We at Stitches had Joe Biden night. We would do Joe Biden night.

What do you mean? Where we would steal each other's shit like if you went up you would do my act and I would try to remember your act we would try to remember each other it was really great that's gotta be fun yeah it was um Kevin Fitzgerald who the hell did I forget who I forget the comic who started it but it's hilarious that's a great idea that's how much of a plagiarist he was wow i never heard that yeah he was so well it's the key the democratic party keeps it under wraps now but it was a big story in 88 so what happened with this so he started getting death threats because he was

talking so i'm sorry shit about him started getting some serious death threats because this guy was a loved general very respected by these people who worked for him including soldiers including spec ops guys and all these people who looked for him including soldiers including spec ops guys and all these people who looked at this michael hastings guy like you piece of fucking shit anyway and he's just a guy just a reporter just a reporter but a snarky little fuck right you know doing adderall and a bunch of other shit he was a little cocky anyway um this guy drove 120 miles an hour without hitting the brakes into a tree on sunset and died under very suspicious circumstances. Not only that, he was telling people that if he dies, you should understand that they killed me.

Really? I'm not going to kill myself. If I die, just know this. They killed me. They killed me. And when military experts who understand what's possible today when it comes to automating vehicles, they say it's absolutely possible. Absolutely possible. Well, people are hacking into computer cars. Well, these cars, like your car, that can drive itself.

Yeah. Like this is a Mercedes, and the Mercedes have that same ability. Yeah, especially the new ones do. I don't know if his did, but what they're essentially saying is they could just pin that fucking accelerator down, lift off that brake so the brake doesn't work at all. Right. And then just steer him. Probably disable the bags.

And steer that motherfucker right into a tree. Oh. And that's how they kill them. That's how people think. Right. Of course, his family and a lot of other people who are close to them They don't want to say anything. They're probably terrified Yeah, and they say no we believe it was suicide you know and but but the people who knew knew him outside of his family

Like that is nonsense It's it's a credible Conspiracy because you're talking about a guy who through his conspiracy because you're talking about a guy who through his article like the rolling stone article was devastating to the military right it's really devastating to was it mcallister to the point where general has to step down stanley mccrystal hastings and then profile of the cia director john brennan yes. And yeah, he was working on another fucking expose of the CIA director. Jesus fucking Christ. So it was really interesting. It was really interesting. And, um, you know, I just have to be worried about someone being in the audience of the comedy store and being like, he's a hack and they take out their

cell phone and make me go into a tree on Laurel. Like, the CIA's not going to care. But an angry audience member. Well, that's, you know, I mean, he fucked with, what was the general's name? Stanley McChrystal. McChrystal. McChrystal and the CIA. Yes.

Yeah, I mean, it was a double whammy of fuck-ups. And it's almost like they wanted to see what they could get away with. Like, let's see, we haven't used this shit. Let's try to use this shit stateside. Oh, man. Drive this motherfucker into a tree. Gotta be able to. Because with someone writing a snarky article like that, I mean, I don't know what actually was said, or I didn't read the article. But apparently it was very disturbing to the people that were involved there, and what he had decided to with this article right from their point of view was take a very inflammatory position they he tried to you know

manipulate it and make it very negative and you know they they can do things like that if they writing an article about if they write an article about you well it's amazing i mean when you think about just technology and i'm so excited about this car I'm so excited what it can do it's amazing what where all this stuff is going you just talking about that service will just bring a rental car to you I mean it's all and it's moving so quickly and so great but I tend to only think of all these positive cool fun things that you can do with it you know the evil guy the evildoers it can use that same stuff and and then some.

I mean, in their mind, they might not even be the evildoers. He might be a real problem. Right. You know, I mean, he might be in their eyes an enemy of America. Right. I don't know who's right. Yeah. But if he really did interrupt some military operations that cost soldiers their lives because the general wasn't there anymore because he had to step down and it fucked up the entire chain of leadership.

It's heavy. And he was talking about in that same article that Jamie put up that he was around, whenever he was around people who kill people for a living, they would invariably tell him, we're going to kill you. Like, it wasn't a couple people that were saying this to him like there was several people they're saying hey motherfucker you're dead just so you know we're all we're all gonna kill you so this guy what did he do he doubled down went after the cia afterwards god balls on him the balls on this young man he tested positive when he died for crystal meth he did yeah it had um um verify that just to be sure um he had had a an issue with drugs in the past apparently from all the stuff

that i've read right and uh they thought he'd kicked it but you know death threats will fucking get you right back on the wagon or off the wagon it hasn't worked on the wagon off the wagon or do they plant that on him? Well, it's his body. Make that easy for him. It's his body. Yeah. It may or may not have been real.

Who knows? Right. And it also, that stuff, crystal meth and Adderall are so closely related. They're almost the same thing. Really? Yeah. Yeah, Adderall is very, very similar to crystal meth. Really?

Yeah. Jeez. It's just a nice, healthy dose. Right. You don't have to worry about dying. Right. Or running down sunset with no pants on. Right.

You'll get productive instead of... You'll just read a lot. Destructive. Productive and destructive are next-door neighbors when you're on Adderall, apparently. God, that was the scary thing. When they were talking during the Republican debate about how much heroin is in New Hampshire, how it's just nobody, not one person brought up prescription drugs as the lead into that. Well, they can't.

Not one. They can't. That's just too much money. Yeah. The pharmaceutical companies have them bought and sold. Yeah. It's the pharmaceutical companies have them bought and sold. Yeah. It's a criminal, it's a criminal business.

The whole business is entirely criminal as far as politics, the business of politics, the way they get money and what they can and can't say. Otherwise they would be talking about cigarettes, right? Cigarettes kill a half a million people in America alone every year. Still. Yeah. Still. Yeah. it's not changing right and

like dropped off a little bit you know with education but yeah people are fucking dumb man they want they want those things in their mouth it's amazing isn't it true it's amazing do you ever try it smoking yeah once as a kid we were walking down the street and we saw a lit cigarette someone must just put it out of their car and i was just walking with my two buddies i picked up a cigarette and imagine if that's how you got herpes oh it would be such a random cigarette i coughed so much it was like that is awful and it was like probably 11 and that was it i was just like no i'm not gonna smoke it was good for you it was just a lucky break you know i smoked with that was it i was just like no i'm not gonna smoke it was good for you

it was just a lucky break you know i smoked with my sister when i was 15 and she was 14 i tried it and she tried it and she kept smoking until she was in her 40s i think really yeah i think 30s or late late 30s maybe um i i never smoked again i just know this is ridiculous it just seemed i like the idea of it i like holding something yeah i like a lot of times when i'm out with friends i'll have like a roll up a napkin or something and just i just like the authority of it oh it looks cool as fuck it looks good it's the coolest just come out of a show and just light up by yourself in the in the hallway you know it's funny when cigarette smokers look down on cigar smokers like fuck off

i love cigars cigars are great but it's funny when you know someone lights up a cigar around someone who smokes cigarettes they're like oh disgusting like oh my god do you know what those fucking cigarettes you smoke smell like yeah they're the worst the best is pipes pipes smell great i know pipes really i know pipes smell good because that doesn't offend my family, which is all girls. That's interesting. Yeah. They're like, oh, that's not so bad. Oh, it's delicious.

But a cigar, forget it. I could be in the backyard, shut all the windows, buy myself with a cigar, and someone's going to pop their head out of a window. You're disgusting. Daddy's disgusting. Yeah. I love. Nice cig disgusting. Yeah. I love nice cigars. Me too.

I got a cigar over here from Michael Dowd. These are from, they're probably dried out now. I got to get a humidor. Remind me again about a humidor. I got a humidor at home. I got to bring it here. Yeah, I got one. This is from, did you ever see the documentary The 7-5?

No. Nick DiPaolo told me about it. Oh yeah? Holy shit. The 7-5. The 7-5. The 7-5 is about the 7-5 precinct in New York City. Uh-huh. And it was in the 70s, the 80s rather, during the crack epidemic.

Oh, yeah? Holy shit. Oh, really? What a fucking crazy documentary. And Michael Dowd was one of the corrupt cops that was in it. And he went to jail for a long time, the whole deal. But then got out, and then they did this documentary, he did my podcast oh really and yeah and he brought in some cigars that he's having made that's his business now well he's doing a bunch of different things he's just kind of hustling right it's hard he's just gotta i mean

he's in jail for a long time so yeah try to put his life back in order jeez but he just got caught up in all the money and oh well he was was 20-something years old. He was young and all the cops are corrupt. He's like – the first day on the job, they were explaining to him about a guy who, quote, unquote, jumped off of a roof. And it was because this guy had ratted on cops. He's like, that's what happens when you rat on cops. That was his first – And he was like, oh, got it. We're good.

We're totally good here. Secret message received. Yeah. It was like one of the – like the first week or something that he was working. But it was real clear, real early on that there's a giant percentage of guys are on the take. Wow. And that's just how you made money. So where does he get the tobacco?

I don't know. I think they're made in the Dominican Republic. He's got a friend that he used to do quote unquote business with back during the cocaine days that he's pals with that he goes and visits. I think that's where he's getting the... He's got a pal.

Yeah. He's got a bunch of Cuban cigars, some Cohibas. Ooh, nice. It really is a difference. Yeah. God, is it a difference.

If you get the real deal, you got to make sure you get real ones. Yeah. There's a lot of fucking counterfeit Cuban cigars. There's a lot of fakeys. It's all going to open up

now though. Yep. Soon. But they don't have enough quantity like the i forget the name of the area where they grow there's this area specific area viejo trabajo or something i forget where it's called but it's a very small area where they grow the best cigars but the soil is like incredibly rich and they've been tilling the soil and taking care of it in a very specific way for decades and decades and they just know what they're doing. And now America's coming in and wants to devour it.

Yeah. Yeah, right? I mean, because they do sell them around the rest of the world. I used to get them from England. Oh, yeah? I used to get them sent to me from England, allegedly.

Allegedly, because it's not legal. No. They would send them to me, and then a couple weeks later, they would send me the bands. So they would send them to me with Dominican bands, and then you'd take them off, and then they'd send you the actual real... Yeah. My friend Gad Elmaleh, that French comedian? No.

He's like the biggest comedian in France. And I told him that I had gotten, a while ago, that I had a Cuban cigar. He's like, no, you don't. I was like, yeah, I got them. And I go, where did you get them? I said, my buddy got them from Vegas, and he knows a guy, he knows a guy. He's like, Tom, I'm telling you, Americans do not get the Cuban cigars. I will bring you some that we have in France.

And then he brought some stuff from France, and I couldn't really tell if it was different. But his point was, Cuba will deal with us. What you're getting is just rehashed horse shit. Maybe. You definitely can get. Yeah, you can. I think the ones I have now are legit. Maybe.

I think so. The only way to really know is to get them from Cuba. Yeah. And even then you don't know. Right. And they could be shipping them from Dominican Republic to Cuba, boxing them up in Cuba with their own wrappers and sending them right to you to save money. Yeah, you're right.

I mean, once people realize that there's so much money in America now. Yeah. I still don't think you can just go hog wild and buy like 50 boxes of them. I think there's like a limitation on how much you're allowed to import. Yeah. I went to, in Canada, I went to a warehouse. A guy that dealt with Cuba and then he would sell them to the stores in Canada. So it was all through the government and legit and stuff.

And that was pretty trippy. Yeah. Just walking through a warehouse of heaven. Yeah. All like humidity pretty trippy. Yeah. Just walking through a warehouse of heaven. Yeah. All humidity controlled. Oh. Yeah. Perfect.

It's interesting how they have to do that, right? They have to keep the cigars at a certain level of humidity. But once they do that, they last forever. Yeah. And you can bring them back, too. If this is dry and you have... You just... You can bring them back apparently a couple times.

Is that it? Yeah. After a while, they just turn to shit. Oh, really? You got to be careful of, you know. You can bring them back apparently a couple times. Is that it? Yeah. After a while, they just turn to shit. Oh, really? You got to be careful of mold, too. They can get mold. Where do you smoke your cigars? Where the fuck I want.

In your house? I'm a man. I'm a man. No. I do whatever the fuck I want. You're lying. No. Outside.

I got to go outside. I could do it in my office if I open up the window. Yeah. And I have to have some fucking sophisticated methods of ventilation. Yeah. Yeah. What's that smell? They hate it.

What's that smell? God, do they hate it. Oh, my God. Or if you just come home and it's just still on your clothes. Yeah. If I had sons, I'd be like, come on in here. Daddy's going to show you what to do. I know.

I'm going to show you what to do. It's not. It really repels every female for miles. Well, girls who don't get repelled by it, I do not trust. How about that? I'll just show you what that does. It's not. It really repels every female for miles. Well, girls who don't get repelled by it, I do not trust. How about that? That's a good point. Those fucking scandalous bitches out there smoking cigars.

The ones who smoke them? Yes. Yeah, those girls are fucking dangerous. They're dirty. Those girls will shoot you. She's got a gun in her pussy. It's true. You don't trust them at all. Oh, one of those.

Oh, she's one of the guys. I'm coming over for the Super Bowl. I'm one of the guys. Right, she loves sports too. Come on. I don't even have any female friends. Whoa. When you meet a girl who doesn't have any female friends, yikes.

Yeah. That's like a guy who doesn't have any guy friends. Yeah. Ladies, if you have a friend who's a guy and he doesn't have any guy friends, that guy's gay. That's the only explanation. That's right. It's the only explanation. Or he's a fucking psycho.

Yeah, he's a psycho. Yeah, what kind of a man doesn't have any man friends? Right. I like hanging out with women. I just like being with the girls. Women are real. They're more real. Plus, they talk about shit I'm interested in.

Like shoes. What they're really saying is I can fool them. Guys know I'm full of shit. Yes. There's definitely that. Yeah. Male feminists. Yeah.

Bead wearing assholes. Fucking namaste. Say that again. Say it again. I'm on your side. Yeah. I'm different, ladies. You know, a lot of men are just rude.

It's the guy in college with the acoustic guitar. The fucking animal house scene. Yeah, right, exactly. That was one of the great scenes in unmasking, like, that fucking fake, pseudo-sensitive, artistic behavior, which, by the way, ladies, is just for pussy. If we were all camping together that guy

would not break out that guitar it wouldn't it wouldn't happen right it happens because girls are around and he wants to appear to be soothing and sensitive and it's the same as a male yoga teacher maybe yeah maybe i don't know man that bickram guy with his little diaper on that guy the bickram bickram guy having sex with everybody well even better than that he had a fucking warehouse filled with like Ferraris and shit yeah and they busted him and he said that this was for uh he was gonna start an education program for children on automotive engineering it was the Bikram automotive engineering center Center. I'm not bullshitting. He just got caught with this. That's hilarious. And they just, he had to pay, or he just got a judgment against him for millions of dollars

for sexual harassment and fucking with people. Yeah, he was banging all of them. Well, it's not just banging, because if you're banging all of them, they can't get money from you if you're banging them. You have to be rude. But he was pretty, you got to be rude about it. You know, if they like you and you're having sex, you know, like, I want some money. Well, did you like having sex with them?

Yeah, but I feel like I should be getting paid. Yeah. Yoga Mughal Bikram Mogul, Bikram Shodri must pay almost 6.5 million in punitive damages. There's a photo of him and the yoga place that i go to yeah he's sitting there like in the lotus position on a tiger body like a skinned tiger with the head like a rug you can find it yeah there's a tiger rug it's so retired he's always in that diaper but what kind of Mick signal you send him, motherfucker? Are you murdering animals? You don't even eat tigers.

You know, this isn't like, you know what I'm saying? It's not like, you know, you ate an elk and you have the horns there. No, you don't eat fucking tigers. Like, what are you doing, man? Why do you have a skinned tiger? Are you a tiger? Like, there's the photo. By the way, it's not just one of them because that's a different one than the one that's in my yoga studio.

Oh, that hair. Oh, yeah. The hair is more offensive than the tiger. Well, he was going bald, so what he did was just grow it long on the outside. He did the Ben Franklin. I'll admit I've thought of it. Here's the thing about those classes, man. There's something about yoga classes that are almost inherently sexual.

Yes. It is sensual. It's wet. It's hot. Everyone's in their underwear it's definitely that one yeah that shot look at all those girls look at him and then he brings him in and he's like you can be a teacher and he wins it's a cult that's the danger of it it's he really gets devout followers and then has sex with them on a tiger well it seems like no matter what if

there's one person that's some sort of charismatic leader like that and then you're doing something spiritual like yoga someone's gonna run a cult yeah absolutely not all of them powerful yeah not all of them like i go to a good place i go to this place in agora and the lady who runs it is fantastic the group is i mean it's a great place but But it's a Bikram place. And I was asking her. I was like, hey, Rachel, this guy, this Bikram guy is a little fucking shady. Like, what's the deal? Yeah.

They say that he's a very good teacher, but he's an asshole. Yeah. That's how everybody looks at it. I totally get it. I mean, you're surrounded by all these beautiful women and sweaty scenarios. Oh, yeah. They want to fuck you, too. Yeah.

They want to fuck him. Exactly. They're tired of their husband. He's boring. This guy's spiritual. Namaste. I go to this great place in Sherman Oaks called Black Dog Yoga. Oh, okay.

I've heard of that place. It's really good. And I've fallen in love with a couple teachers there no joke and of course you have there's a couple classes that are names there's a couple classes they know there's a couple classes that are like right after you drop your kids off at school like a nine o'clock start where it's it's not like the six o'clock seven o'clock at night, young, hard body going. Yes. You know, they're moms.

They've got a couple kids or they're even older. It's not like you're saying, okay, I'm going to do a photo shoot in here for whatever magazine. Right. You know what I mean? It's just regular looking people. Right. You go to that class for a couple months and you start seeing the same people over and over again. Everybody starts looking really attractive.

Really? It is a sensual practice. It is a, there's a thing to it. It's hot and wet. Yeah. It's hot and wet and everyone's naked. Yeah. I keep my shirt on.

Do you? How dare you? Yeah. Are you scared? I'm not scared. I feel like as a guy, it's 90% women. You should kind of just try and be invisible in a yoga class. Get the outside row.

Keep your clothes on. This is really their thing and you're kind of visiting. It's their thing. Yeah. But the guy invented it. He didn't really invent it. No, he just took yoga and made it sweaty. Well, he just, no, he just added, he just put a bunch of poses in a sequence and he

tried to copyright that sequence, but he was turned down. So there's people that he was suing. He's a very sue happy person. So like if someone say, allegedly, I should say, allegedly is a sue happy person. Right. So if somebody, I don't want to assume I get it. If you were one of his disciples, you started your own school, you had his own program, and then you said, you know what?

This guy's kind of a douche. I don't want to pay him money anymore. I'm just going to go off and just call it Tom Papa's yoga. Right. You would get sued. Really? Yeah, but even though he didn't invent any of those poses. So he gets a piece of every Bikram around the world.

Yes. That's where he's making all that money. That's where he's got all that loot. Wow. And he was trying to say that the sequences in in order the way that he's putting them together have some sort of a right extra powerful property to him and that that was his patent right i believe check on that because i believe that was turned down yeah i believe it was still made all that dough yes he made a lot of fucking money yeah. He made a lot of fucking money.

Yeah. And probably still makes a lot of fucking money. I bet the 6.5 is not going to make him flinch. I'm sure he's got that and cars just laying around. I mean, you know, you go once in a while, it's 10 bucks a class. How are you making that much bank? Well, if you have thousands of schools all over the country and all over the world, really, and each one of them pays you, you know, whatever, 500 bucks a month. Yeah. Cop how?

Yeah. Ha ha. You know, that's that's where it comes from. So here he goes. The court affirmed that although Bikram had copyright protection in his published book on the sequence, he could not thereby invoke copyright to stop others from using the sequences described in his book. Ah. Yeah.

See, that's like someone teaching jujitsu and saying you can't teach those moves. Right. Because jujitsu has been around for so long. Exactly. You can never do that. Yeah. This guy was born in the 60s. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Exactly. Who are you to take over yoga? Fucking thousands of years old. The balls. The balls on this guy, literally. All tucked away in that little grape smuggler that he wears. There was a guy in my class that used to go there for a while.

He used to wear the grape smuggler. Yeah. He was very Sat Nam. He was very Namaste. No. He had a man bun, too. Yeah. Grape smugglers and a man bun. I want to beat younam. He was very namaste. No. He had a man bun, too. Yeah. Grape smugglers and a man bun.

I want to beat you up in the parking lot. Totally. Totally. And I think the other women look at you over there in your Nike workout stuff, and they're like, all right, he's fine. They think so? Yeah. They're like, thank you for not doing that.

I hope so. I hope so. I don't know. The place I go to is very nice. Very nice people. Yeah. But again, it's not very nice. Very nice people. Yeah. But again, it's not like the hot, young, hard body. I'm probably the best looking girl in the class.

How rude. That was a joke. Couldn't help it. It's not true either. There's some cute ones. But the point being, that's not what it is. It's, you know. But there is a sexual vibe.

I mean, you're just there to do yoga. But there is that kind of thing. Which is why I'm not too big a fan of the classes that team you up, where they want you to partner up for this thing. Yeah, you ever have that? No. Oh, like you stretch you out? Yeah, they're like, get a partner, get a happy baby with your legs behind you. Your partner pushed down on you.

And you fart. You know. You fart on this lady. That's what happens. That'd be actually the smart move. As a man that would be the smart how much porn takes place in the yoga yoga studio where the yoga teacher says um i would like to review some poses with you after class just to give you some tips that'd be like if you were let's let's just be as politically correct about this as possible if you were single and the person actually was into you and this all went down according to this, that would be the greatest fantasy ever.

You're in that hot yoga class, all hot and sweaty, and afterwards the teacher wants to fuck. Whoa! God damn! She's like, Tom, I just really feel like your practice could aid with just a little private one-on-one instruction. Yes. And you'd be like, sure. Sure. But first we're going to start with a foot massage.

Okay. Sly on your back. All right. Oh, okay. And then she's rubbing your feet and lifting your legs. I'm just going to stretch your legs out. And she's rubbing the inside of your thighs. And you start moaning.

And she moans back and the next thing you know it's on time, Papa. Namaste. I had a massage at the Bacara Resort in Santa Barbara. Oh, shit.

And the lady got up on the table like straddled me on the table like at one point. Yeah. And it just, you know and it just you know I'm always thinking is it gonna go someplace else but it didn't but when I came back to the room and told my wife what had happened she was horrified she angry she was like that that does not happen ever she was obviously doing

something I'm like she wasn't well I mean you get time massage they do it all the time they jump up on top oh yeah they climb on you right this lady i go to this bitch fucks me up and i say bitch she's a very nice lady i shouldn't say bitch she's probably in her at least late 50s maybe early 60s and she's from thailand very nice lady right she climbs on my back she pulls my arms up right she's stomping on me like she stomps the shit out of me she fucking she gets her knee in my back really grinds into elbows feet this wasn't that well she's always she's always asked me you okay this okay I'm like just go crazy I'm fine just don't hurt me just go get nutty Okay.

I'm like, just go crazy. I'm fine. Just do it. It's not going to hurt me. Just go get nutty. Do everything you feel like you need to. You're very tight. Very tight as hell.

And then she just fucking climbs on top of that table and just jacks me. Like, ah! Ah! Ah! There's a lot of comedians in New York who get the massage lady to come over to their house to jack them. Jack them. Jack them. You're talking about Jim Norton.

You don't have to say a lot of comedians. You can just say Jim Norton. Jim Norton and the outer electrons that spawn from Jimmy. And the other guys who go, you could do that? Right, exactly. And the other ones who get the number from Jim. Yeah, that doesn't seem smart to me. I talk to Jim about it, and he's like, yeah, but I have more of my house.

I have a security building. They can't get inside. I go, but they know where you live now. What if they develop some bizarre fixation on you from the radio show and then meet you John Lennon style outside your door? I don't think there's any part of that scenario that he doesn't like. Love it. Do it. Shoot me, pussy.

I think also you're dipping into the world of people who get paid for sex and it's not necessarily a bad world i don't think there's anything wrong with it i don't think it's a necessary world for some people well there's nothing wrong with jerking someone off it's like why is it okay to rub someone's back but it's not okay to rub their dick you tell me it doesn't make any sense it's it's foolishness right you know the only thing i mean i guess the possible threat of diseases but as long as you know proper gun control, you know, to aim that thing away from you. Right. You know, always make sure you're pointing a safe distance and keep the safety on.

You're fine. And stand at least an inch and a half away. Yeah, don't put it near your eyes. You know, don't open your eyes up. I don't know if it's clogged in there, Mr. Norton. I've never been to one of those places where you know it's going to happen. I've never been to a place where it's

never happened. You need to talk to Brian Redman. He'll hook you up. But you kind of hope. You never want to go to the point of actually going there, but you go to the straight place at a nice resort and stuff, and it's always in the back of your mind, like, maybe, but no. Yeah, I've never had a place do it but i i have gone to a place where one of the guys that works there got busted because he was blowing all the dudes that would come in there like they figured

out that these gay guys like flamboyantly gay guys were coming to this one guy and they would be like super excited to see him like a little too excited right and uh he had this little thing going on where he would have these guys show up and uh he would give them like you know a half decent massage suck their dick and then get out of their fucking giddy and like get a big tip but problem with those flamboyant gay guys is they're very uh vocal they like to talk about shit right Right. Yeah, that was the best massage ever. Including. I'm sure they had a nickname for them and for the place.

Yeah. Well, you know, I guess just the word got out. Yeah. But, you know, to think that I was getting a legitimate massage just a few doors over. Wasn't there a movie star? How rude. Wasn't there a movie star that got in trouble for trying to... John Travolta.

Sexual advancement. Right. John Travolta did it a bunch of times. Right. That was his move. Travolta. Yeah, he would get massages and he would back his ass up into their hands. Yes.

Back your ass up into their hands. What's going on over there? Oh, that's a good... Oh, I'm so sore there. Great tense in that area. Open it up. I've got to get in there. Where's my keys?

Look for my phone. It might be in there. Did you see him in OJ? I've met him. No, in the OJ show? No. Oh, the new show? The new OJ on FX.

Just started last week. Oh, come on. It's so good. Is it? In the worst way? No. Like, it's good? It's good. Like a good show? It's going to be. It's a 10-part series, I think. It's so good. Is it? In the worst way? No. Like it's good? It's good.

Like a good show? It's going to be, it's a 10-part series, I think. It's actually good? OJ versus, The People versus OJ, legit good. Oh, I thought you were saying it's good like it's retarded and I should watch it because it's bad. No. And Travolta plays...

Kardashian? No. Robert Shapiro. He does? Robert Shapiro. Did they shave his head? Creepy, cool. That's Shapiro Robert Shapiro did they shave his head creepy cool

that's Shapiro yeah wasn't Shapiro a bald guy he's kind of flamboyant oh I'm thinking I'm confusing Robert Shapiro with uh

F. Lee Bailey but I don't think I'm telling you Joe this this thing is you think like you're you're tapped out on OJ like why would I

one episode and you're like oh man this is gonna going to be good. John Travolta has a wonderful wig. He does. That is just, get in close on that hairline, Jamie. That is impeccable. That is really nice.

This poor bastard. I was at a store the other day and this poor bastard in front of me had one of the worst wigs I've ever seen in my life. Really? Yeah. Full on wig? It was ridiculous. It was just ridiculous. 2016 ever seen in my life. Really? Yeah. Full on wig? It was ridiculous. It was just ridiculous.

2016 wig. Oh my god. Have you seen Mickey Rourke? No. Oh god. That's perfect. Look at that fucking hairline. It's incredible. It's on again tonight. Okay. You'll like it. Okay.

You can definitely see him trying to put his rump in a massage therapist's hands he seems fairly gay while he's doing this he's playing this very erudite hmm good really good dude I'm on

episode 8 of Narcos there's only 10 I finished episode 8 last night and I'm depressed that eight of Narcos. There's only 10. Oh, yeah. I finished episode eight last night. I'm depressed that there's two left. Really? That good?

Oh, it's so good. Wow. It's so good. Pablo Escobar was a motherfucker. Really? He built his own fucking jail. He turned himself into his own jail. He built his own.

He made a deal with the government, with theian government where he would admit to this is all historic You said spoiler alert. This is the historical fact bucks taken from Wikipedia I actually knew about this in advance, but I just didn't know how they were gonna play it out on the show but a fantastic job in the show, but He turned himself I mean he was a fucking major league drug dealer the greatest drug dealer of all time next to el chapo el chapo's apparently even a bigger deal than him really but he made it so that he would only get charged with one count of smuggling drugs and even then he

wanted to bargain that down to a lesser charge, he built his own super powerful luxury prison. Had his own guards guard him in this super powerful luxury prison. Jeez. Yeah. And that's where I'm at. Where is this? In Columbia. In Columbia.

Yeah. So the government, they had him. Oh, well, he killed everybody. But they had him nailed. Yeah. And he's like. They didn't even have him nailed. He turned himself in.

He was just killing everybody. Shit. Really? Oh, he killed everybody. He blew up planes. Just killed nailed. Yeah. And he's like. They didn't even have him nailed. He turned himself in. He was just killing everybody. Shit. Really? Oh, he killed everybody. He blew up planes. Just killed everybody. Jeez. He just killed thousands of people.

Oh my God. I mean, he had all these, Sicario is apparently, that's what they call a hitman in Spanish. He just had all these hitmen just killing cops, killing everybody, killing judges. They even had all this evidence about him dealing drugs so he hired this like um uh communist sort of revolutionary group to overtake the government building where his data was being held and blew it up lit it on fire yeah lit up all his fucking evidence i mean he took over a fucking government building. Holy cow. A courthouse. It was insane.

It's an insane story. Is he still alive? No, he's dead as fuck. He's dead? Yeah. How'd they get him? Um, we're gonna have to watch the show. Oh, I'm watching OJ! I believe it was a shootout if I remember correctly. Oh yeah? From a rival gang or the government? No, I think the government shot him. Wow. Who shot him, Jamie?

Pablo was carrying so much, was earning so much each year, they write off 10% of the money because the rats would eat it in storage or it would be damaged by water and lost. My God. That would be about 2.1 billion. So 2.1

billion. Per month. Per month was what the rats... No, it says year. It says each year. The picture right above it said it was 2 billion per month. Factored in a 2.1 billion loss in profits each month. Scroll that down. Loss. The loss

was 2 billion. But it says it was earned so much each year, he'd write off 10%. That would be 2.1 billion... 10% per year. Right. 10% per year. Jeez. He was making% per year. Jeez. He was making 420 million a week. Look at his face, too. Look at him.

Happy fuck. Happy dude. Yes. Happy dude. So much money. So much money. I always wonder what these guys eat for dinner. Whatever the fuck they want.

Babies. What's he saying? Chinese babies. Around six o'clock at night. Who was he talking to? And what food shows up? That picture did him in. Because that was one of the earliest pictures of him getting arrested.

He got arrested and he was smiling at them like, you dumb fucks. You're going to arrest me? And then just wreaked havoc on the people that arrested him. It was amazing, man. Amazing. So the show's great. He once started a fire with $2 million because his daughter was cold. Yeah.

That's for real, man. Wow. He was a gangster. What year was this? It looks like 80s, 90s. This is the fucking cocaine years, man. Is his son around? Scarface. Wow.

His son, who's 30, he's 38 years old, since changed his name, describe what life was like on the run. Sebastian Maniscalca. It's Sebastian. That makes sense. Jesus. Oh, he's ducking. Yeah.

Fucking. It's an unbelievable story, and it's so well done. Really? That show, Narcos. Netflix is killing it. I know. They're so good right now. So good.

There's House of Cards. That. I mean. Making a Murderer. Oh, I haven't seen that yet. That one's pretty good. I haven't seen it. That'll ruin a week of your life.

People get mad at me because I haven't seen it. You know, that one, around eight or nine, you're like, all right, let's wrap this up. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. You're kind of like pushing through one more set. Did you see? We can do this.

Like the Sunday night. Right. Why did I agree to a late show on Sunday? Right, exactly. At the funny fuck face in the middle of nowhere. Did you see Soaked in Bleach? No. That is the documentary that was created with the help of the private investigator that Courtney Love hired,

who actually believes that she had Kurt Cobain killed. She hired the private investigator? She hired the private investigator to find him during the time that he was missing, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. During his interactions with her, he believed her to be so deceptive and such a liar and such a manipulator. And then the evidence that he presents, he believes, is enough to reopen the case. He said they did a terrible job of examining the body. They cremated him within six days. The police called it a suicide, not an autopsy

specialist, which is just not the way you do it. And he said there's enough evidence to point to. He, in his words, thinks that Courtney Love had Kurt Cobain killed for the money because he was leaving her. Had him killed. Yeah. Or helped him. Helped him kill himself. Right. They said that the amount of cocaine or heroin, rather, that was in his body was three times a lethal dose. But, of course, that means for me, a guy who's never done heroin. Right. But was it for him, a guy who did heroin all the time?

That other documentary with all the doodles moving around, did you see that one? What's that one? With all the doodles? Yeah, they took all of his notebooks and they animated it. Oh, is that a montage of Heck? Yeah. I haven't seen that one. There's a couple of scenes where they show him, you know, blitzed out on heroin.

Oh, really? It's a bad drug. It's bad. So bad. I mean, just wasted. With his kid, like, his little kid is right there on, like, her birthday, something like that. Oh, that's sad. So sad. He's just, her birthday, something like that. Oh, that's sad. So sad.

He's just, you know, in another planet. Bad, bad drug. I used to know a guy who had a serious heroin problem, but he was like a world-class pool player. Oh, yeah. And he would get heroined out, and then we'd play pool, and he wouldn't miss. He had no nerves, and he would be playing my friend George the Greek,

not like the famous George the Greek, the racist guy. Although this guy was probably racist too. Right. Jimmy the Greek. Jimmy the Greek, right. My friend George the Greek, he would talk like this. This fucking cocksucker. And George the Greek would be so mad because he would gamble with this guy.

And the guy's name was Water Dog. They would call him either Buffalo Bill or Water Dog. Those were his two nicknames. Both cool names. This guy used to go to the bathroom. He would lock the door in the men's room at Executive Billiards in White Plains, New York. He would go in there, lock the bathroom door, and then come out 10 years

later to him. But 10 minutes later, he would come out just whacked. Whacked out of his mind. He would sit in a bar stool like this. He would sit down, and he would have his arms on the rest, but his wrists would just hang there. His hands would gently rest on his gut,

and his hands would just sit there, and he would just zone out for another 20 minutes, and then he would get up. And be good? He would get up, and he had shark eyes. His eyes were black. His pupils were totally dilated. And he would get up, and he would screw together his cue.. His eyes were, like, black. Like, his pupils were totally dilated. And he would get up, and he would screw together his cue.

There's a photo of him. You can find it online. Buffalo Bill or Water Dog, pool player. God, I forget his real name. Anyway, he screwed together his cue, and he wouldn't fucking miss. Really? And they were playing on this table with these really tiny, tight pockets. It was a gambler's table.

It was table one at Executive Billiards. Right. And they were playing for thousands of dollars. And you know, that's a fucking lot of pressure. This guy didn't feel a thing. He was just dead on the inside, just gone from the air. How long did he last?

He was good for hours. Really? He was good for hours like that, yeah. How many years? Oh, he's dead. He's dead now. Yeah. Yeah, he died a few years back.

Where were you doing shooting pool in White Plains? That's where I used to live. You lived in White Plains? I used to live in New Rochelle. Oh, really? Yeah. I got an apartment in New Rochelle because it was close to Executive Billiards in White Plains.

Really? Yeah. That was the place they hung out. That's great. I was there so often my manager thought that I had a problem. He's like, are you taking pool more seriously than your career? I'm like, God, I might be. It was just so much fun.

The people that I hung out with were so fun. Really? Mount Vernon, Tommy, International Sal. I hung out with a guy who was an international credit card smuggler. He was the first. Really? His name was International Sal. And International Sal, he was a gambler, but I use that word loosely because he was an incredible loser.

Right. But he made so much money from all this credit card swindling that he would go into the pool hall. This was before my time, before I met him. I met him once he got out of jail, but he was still a loser. He just couldn't win. Right. Psychologically, he had these blocks. Yeah.

He would have a ball sitting in front of the hole. It was for $1,000, and he'd just bobble it. He could never win. He never won. Weird. He never won. It was just psychology. That's a weird thing, isn't it?

It was crazy. So during the time where he was a swindler, what he would do is, this was the early days of credit cards. This was like the 1980s. Right. American Express, they would take these receipts that they would get them from stores. Like say if they run your credit card on something. Yeah, they get the carbons.

Right. They would get those carbons and then they would make copies of the credit card. They make another copy of the credit card. Right. And just fucking run up these crazy bills, buy all this shit, and then sell the shit. And so he would get money, and they would come to the pool hall with just brown paper bags filled with $100 bills. Jeez.

And people from all over the world would come to find him to play with him. Really? Yeah, because he was a loser. Because he was a loser with tons and tons of cash. Ah, so he would just lose all of it in his bets? And I say he's a loser. I don't mean as a person. He was a very nice guy. But I mean as a pool player, he was a loser. He wasn't a bad player either.

So good enough to play, but the big games he was full. He was a decent player. He psychologically was a beaten man. He just could not do it. Did he drink? Nope. No, I don't believe he did. He died of cancer. and it was an ugly one too my my friend's mom was a the one of the nurses that was taking care of him and it was just it it ended bad hey but uh they're all dead all those people that i knew back then yeah the guy who owned it guy azariti he was this fucking hilarious piano player he was a musician who wanted to invest his money and he bought a pool hall and uh it just became this incredible hangout because geez this guy

guy azeriti who owned it was the nicest guy on the planet and everybody loved him so they would come and hang out at his pool hall like partially just to say hi and hang out with him and then he created this incredible environment it was like all fun and laughs and did you know other comics are there or just one there was one this guy john tobin who's a buddy of mine right at the time he was uh he worked there he did like part-time gig there like uh the counterman right for a little bit but no it was mostly just pool players me and a bunch of pool players that's pretty cool degenerates and weirdos and that's pretty cool that you had the balls to just go hang out there with all these crackpots. Well, I became addicted to pool.

Right. And when I became addicted to pool, it was like that was my spot. I was there every night. And I knew a lot of the people that worked there and ran it. And Guy, the owner, was a good friend of mine. So we would be there oftentimes till the morning. And then we'd get up. We'd go to the diner.

And I was 24 20 somewhere around then right so i had no job right my job was to do jokes so do jokes at night i would i would literally i would get up i'd go to the gym i'd head over the pool hall i'd hang out see whatever what's going on right uh then i would go do my gig and then i'd come back to the pool hall and I'd stay there until the morning. Where would you go gig? Wherever.

Just in the city? It was either in the city or... A lot of the gigs that I did when I first moved to New York, I used to do... I did Dangerfields, I did the comic strip, I did all those. I did Catch. That's when Catch was still there. Yeah. Catch a Rising Star was still there. But I didn't like the fact that I only did 10 minutes and then it wasn't any money.

Right. So I was doing a lot of Connecticut gigs with this guy, John Shuler. Right. Do you ever do those Connecticut gigs? I don't think so. John Shuler. He kept me paid. That name's familiar.

Oh, he was great. Great guy. Yeah. Yeah, he had a bunch of good gigs. They were like solid Connecticut, like hotel lounge gigs. They would have a bar and we had a nice little stage. But there was Jersey gigs. I did a lot of those. I guy bob gonzo gonzo yeah you know him yeah i think i did a couple like out in like summit new jersey or something like that yeah the shore i did those

with him and um i did um with otto and george we did a bunch of those out there and then uh i did i did so i did connecticut jersey uh long island did a lot of long island gigs the brokerage governors but those gigs were better is the thing that made you set up shop there yeah that was rather than going to the city well i couldn't afford the city right i couldn't afford parking right because i knew that i need your car i needed a car i had a car and i wasn't going to get rid of it. So I was like, okay, I can't afford an apartment. Like apartments for people who are out of the country or out of the city. New York City apartment rates are so insane that it doesn't make sense that anybody could afford to live there other than rich people.

And it's gotten so much worse from back then. Way worse. Back then you couldn't achieve it. Now, forget it. Well, much worse from back then. Way worse. Way worse. Back then, you couldn't achieve it now. Yeah. Forget it. Well, I was poor as fuck. Yeah.

I mean, back then when I first moved there, I lived with my grandfather in North 9th Street in Newark, New Jersey. Right. Which was the ghetto. Yeah. Hardcore. My grandfather bought it in the 1940s when it was an all Italian neighborhood. And then it became an all black neighborhood.

And then it became Puerto Rican. Then it became Dominican. All the neighborhood, and then it became Puerto Rican, and then it became Dominican. All the production left, and all the jobs dried up. Also, they did blockbusting, where the real estate people would come door to door, and they would say, hey, black people are moving in. You've got to sell now, otherwise your property value is going to go through the floor. And they would literally clean out whole blocks like that and sell them. And people would sell their houses in a panic.

No. Yeah. Really? Yeah, they did to my grandfather. And he's like, I like black people. Get the fuck out of here. Wow. He just wouldn't move.

He stayed there to the end. Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, that was a common tactic that they used to use. Find a picture of that guy? So dirty. I had a couple couple people and then I kind of started getting distracted. Was it Mike Siegel? No, no, no. Mike Siegel is a famous world champion. This guy's name was Buffalo

Bill. That is what they used to call him. Pool player, gambler, or water dog. So did you know of the pool hall and then say, let me try and find a place near here or the other way around? No, I was living in New Jersey with my grandfather. Trying to save up enough money to get an apartment.

Right. And when I saved up enough money to get an apartment, I was taking the trek down to White Plains all the time. Right. Because of my friend John and my friend Johnny B. Johnny B. was actually a professional pool hustler. Oh, okay. He was like one of my best friends. Oh. Became one of my best friends around that same town

but it was a special place man like I thought about almost writing a book about the adventures of being a part of that place because it was so fun I was just going to say I think I've been in LA

too long because the whole time you're like this is a great movie or show well it was it was like a movie because it was like

every night there was something going on there and we would run to get to that place. I couldn't wait to get in there. You get in the door and no one had a phone back then because there was a, there was a cell phone or a pay phone, the pay phone. People would be on the phone all the time, like getting calls. It would ring and people would call and no one had, no one had cell phones, but people would come in from all over the country because that was a place that had gambling action. So guys would come in from Canada. Guys would come in from California.

A guy came in from – they would come in from all over the place. And you're playing but not at that level. No, no. I wasn't good. You're just playing like – I was more of a spectator. I was playing and I was playing in tournaments and stuff like that. I got better over the couple of years that I lived there, but I was never at a level that these guys were at.

These were like real professional level players would go there. And is it like any sport, like those guys just had something special or they just put more time in? Time. Yeah. I think there's certain special things, like athleticism, like Karl Malone or Michael Jordan. Fill in the blanks with some of the elite athletes. Yeah, LeBron. Yeah, LeBron James and you.

Myself. You're a regular guy. At yoga. Yeah. You're a regular guy. Right. He's not. Right.

There's a giant advantage. Huge. There's a giant advantage. Right. So he has that thing. And then on top of that, I think when you get a guy like LeBron James, what you get is a guy who has this massive physical advantage and then dedication and then intelligence and then discipline. And then you get a great one. It's a once-in-a-lifetime athlete that comes along that has the whole package.

But with Poole, it's not like that because there's no physical strength aspect of it. Long arms? No, doesn't help at all. Some of the best players in the world are really tiny guys. Are they really? Jose Parica. Using the bridge? Yeah.

Or they switch hands. They play left-handed. Right. Jose Parica is one of the greatest players of all time. He's like 5'1". Oh, really? Tiny little Filipino guy. Yeah.

So it's just more dedication and time and play and play and play. Dedication, understanding of geometry, angles, understanding how the ball is going to reflect off other balls, how it's going to bounce off the rail, things along those lines. So you got good, though? I got pretty good. Yeah? I never got real good. I got good compared to regular people.

Regular people see me play, they're like, holy shit, he can play. Right. But a pool player would never be impressed. No. No. I'm okay. What's that game with, I don't think there are pockets. Three cushion billiards.

Is that what it is? Yeah. Three different balls. Yeah. Yeah. You hit one ball and it has to go three cushions and then hit the other ball. Right. Yeah.

That's a weird game. Yeah. That's a game that's really popular in South America. Right. Really popular in Korea. Yeah. In Koreatown. You can go to Koreatown.

They have three cushion billiards places. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Where was I? St. Lucia or someplace like that. And they had a table there and no one knew what they were doing. That's what it is. Yeah. We used to have one that they set up at executive and people from like all these other countries, like a lot of Mexican players would come in. Guys who worked in the area who were Latino or from Latin American countries.

They'd be so happy to find a table like that. Really? Isn't it weird how some games just can last centuries? Yeah. Like chess, pool, bocce. You know what I mean? There's something to... They just got it right that it could last that long.

Chess is an amazing one. An amazing one in that regard, because there's never been a game that's really come along that's become any sort of a contender for the intellectual game. Right. That is the intellectual game. That's it. Yeah. Yeah.

Battleship made a run at it. No, it didn't. You sank my battleship! B it. No, it didn't. You sank my battleship! B9. No, chess is sick. It's also one game, it's one of the few games where you can tell people you play and they don't look at you like you're wasting your time. You're right.

That's exactly right. You're like, oh, okay. Like even pool. I tell people I love to play pool. They're like, well, what are you doing? Right, exactly. Get home to your family. Right. You tell people you're involved in a chess tournament. people i love to play pool like well right exactly get home to your family right yeah you tell you

tell people you're involved in a chess tournament you're like wow he's a dedicated intellectual like tom papa tom papa thinks it really is true yeah i wish i knew more people who played chess i wish my i tried to get my daughters into it but uh it's a cool thing to be able to do just it is so engrossing it's very good for your mind yeah there was a guy I was on a movie once and the guy was renting his house out from you know have you ever seen how they do that like people rent their house out for movies yeah I should know a guy that's how I paid his whole mortgage he had a cool house in the Hollywood Hills and he just rented out to movie studios and TV studios and that's how he paid his bills.

And they would only use it like a couple days a month, and that paid it for everything. But anyway, this guy was a chess player, and all he did was play chess. Really? And so we're hanging around with this guy in his house. And I'm like, so you just play chess? He goes, yeah, I play chess, and I'm divorced, so I don't need the whole house. I rent the house out for movies, and it's kind of fun. I like watching movies get filmed in my house. I'm like, wow, that's crazy. Cause he had a kind of a cool house. And so I went with him. I was just like,

show me what you do. He goes, okay, well, I'm about to, I'll get a game right now. So I'll go to this forum and I'll say who would like to, you know, have a game. And then they meet up in this room and then they play chess online. Online. Yeah, and I was watching them play chess online, and that's apparently where the majority of games get played. Right. Norton and I were starting to do that. You could play against each other online.

Oh, really? Yeah. And it's cool, but there's... The physical part, it's like anything with online newspapers, whatever. I miss the physical. Moving the pieces. But Jimmy was into it for a bit. Howard Stern was into it to the point where he was taking lessons and talking about it on the air all the time.

Oh, really? Yeah, I think he probably decided it was just a matter. It's a time suck. Yeah, it's a time suck. Once I started being able to read in the paper the moves and understand it, I was like, I'm spending too much time. I would say that's when I'm fucking balling. Look at me.

I'm so smart. Oh, king to rook six. Of course. The obvious move. In the Belgian variation. Why is it in the paper? Because it's for fucking smart people. How dare you, Jamie?

It's like reading the box score to a baseball game. Well, it's always been in the paper. Is it a particular game that someone's playing that you're following along? Yeah. No, they're showing, you know, these two guys just played last night. Yeah. In this big tournament or whatever. Well, maybe, has there ever been a newspaper that'll show a move and then ask you for the counter to that move?

And then you, like, you play the game out day after day? No. No? ask you for the counter to that move and then you like you play the game out day after day um no no they wanted to do it but then uh the sudoku people blocked it the word fine people were outraged what was the the the uh conspiracy that we were talking about before the podcast started that we both thought was bullshit that you you brought up oh yeah the chipotle oh the chipotle thing yeah oh yeah what's the chipotle conspiracy because i was eating chipotle i was i'm on this wacky diet man i can't have any grains i'm on this it's called the primal blueprint diet and the idea behind it is no grains no car like very low carbohydrates, no sugar. No processed sugar. You can have a piece of fruit every now and then.

But you want to bring your body into ketosis, where your body burns off fat. And everybody's telling me, don't fucking do it. Everybody's telling me not to do it. That doesn't work for this. I'm like, have you done it? No, but shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up! Where did you hear about it?

We'll have this guy on. His name is Mark Sisson. He's a pretty famous guy in the paleo community. You know your term, paleolithic diet? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's actually kind of bullshit. Yeah, I just read that. Well, what's bullshit is paleolithic people didn't really eat like that.

They ate grains. So what he's saying is like the name is wrong, but the diet, the principles of the diet are really good for fighting inflammation for a lot of people. Like he had irritable bowel syndrome. A lot of people, they find that it helps them with arthritis and a lot of, it cures a lot of inflammatory issues. Not that I have them, but I'm like, okay, well, let's see what it's like. And then I had this guy, Kyle Kingsbury on, who's a former UFC fighter, great athlete, great guy, very, very smart. And he was talking to me about it. And one of the things that he said was he was citing the mental clarity aspects of it. He said it makes his mind functions better. He has more energy.

He feels more even throughout the day. And then I talked to my brother, Danny Prokakos. You know, Danny. Danny Prokakos, who's a world champion jujitsu player, who's a good friend of mine, found out that I was doing it. And he said he's been on it since November. And he also cited the mental clarity thing. Really? Yeah, and Danny's a real physical culture wizard. He's always on top of the latest and greatest of all the techniques and modalities as far as training and stuff like that. So just no grains is the dominant thing?

No fucking grains. Mostly fats. Fats, like I eat a lot of avocados. I might eat five fucking avocados a day. Really? Yeah. I love avocados. I had two of these steak bowls from Chipotle today with just beans, no rice, just extra heaps of guacamole,

and then I ate two giant things of guacamole on top of that. So I'm just eating guacamole. No meat? Oh, asshole. Steak bowl would have meat in it. Oh, steak. You didn't mention the steak. I did.

I said steak bowl. You said steak bowl, but then you listed. Well, it's a steak bowl, but there's no steak in it. But you also took the rice out. Yeah. Just no rice. Steak, avocado but there's no steak in it. But you also took the rice out. Yeah. Just no rice. Steak, avocado, and beans. That's it.

I'm just eating boring shit. When I go to a, well, the meat is great. But when I go to a restaurant, good fucking Lord, it's hard to find things to eat. Restaurants kill every diet. No matter what you're trying to do, restaurants are just a bad place to be. Well, I went to this one place, and I wanted to get a nice salad. And then I said, wait a minute, what's in the salad dressing? Do you toss it in the salad?

Yeah, it comes already tossed. And you might as well be eating candy. I ate the salad. I'm like, this is crazy. I can't even eat this. I go, this is all sugar. And they're like, well, there is some sugar. And I go, what's some?

A lot. This is a fucking dessert. Your salad's a goddamn dessert. That's right. It was like glistening with like syrup. I'm not kidding either. I know, I know. That stuff's high calorie.

You ever, you know, Wood Ranch? You ever eat at Wood Ranch, the barbecue place? No. They have this thing called a Natalie salad. It's fucking delicious. I love it. But you might as well be eating an ice cream sundae. Right.

It's a salad that's covered in syrup. Jeez. Their salad dressing is syrup. So how long have you been doing this diet? Today is, what is it, Jamie? Day nine? Nine, I think. How do you feel?

Nine days. I feel great. I feel fine. No, I've lost a little weight. Yeah. Which, you know, my body's always pretty much the same weight. Right. I don't really gain or lose.

But I did some things in the past that made me lose weight. One of them was I cut all the sugar out of my diet and I lost five pounds in a week, like doing nothing else, but doing that. I was like, well, this is crazy. And then I went gluten free for a while. And that, that helped me a lot. That made me feel like there was something going on to that. Like my energy levels felt good. skin looked good like really healthy i think what that is though is a sugar thing because i think with gluten gluten is bread and pasta and wheat and that stuff it's not like i had an issue with gluten itself yeah like i didn't have an issue processing gluten right that it's all converts to sugar right like that's just a lot of sugar for your body and your body just doesn't want that much sugar to process.

Right. It's essentially toxic. And the more people are learning about sugar, the more people are coming to an agreement. Like, almost all these scientists and nutritional experts are coming to an agreement. Like, processed sugar is just fucking awful for you. Yeah. It's brutal. It's really bad.

And it's in everything. Everything. Everything. I've been baking bread lately. Holy shit, Tom Papa. It's really bad. And it's in everything. Everything. Everything. I've been baking bread lately. Holy shit, Tom Papa. Sourdough bread. Sourdough bread is very good for you. It is.

It has gluten, though. Yeah, but it's- Natural process. Yeah, but sourdough bread apparently has way less gluten than regular bread. Right. Yeah, because my wife can eat that, but can't eat the other bread. Really? It's a cool thing. It just takes thing. You just take flour and water. You need a starter, which is...

Culture? Yeah, you just start with flour and water, and then the natural yeast that comes from around us in the environment goes in and starts eating that. What? And it becomes a living thing. And people have starters that are like 100 years old. What? And it becomes a living thing. And people have starters that are like 100 years old. What? You take a couple ounces off and you always maintain a little and feed it like a living thing. It's like a bowl of flour and water, but you'll see it start to bubble when you feed it more flour and water. What?

The yeast is eating it. Yeah. It's the coolest. That's crazy. So it's in your refrigerator like a bowl? So it's in my fridge like a little mason jar. Wow. And then you scoop it out.

You take a little chunk of it, and then you feed it, and it expands. And then you take some of that and make bread out of it. That is fucking nuts. It's pretty, yeah. I never would have been into this if I didn't hear that concept, and now I can't stop. I'm baking bread like Little Red Riding Hood. Who gave you the idea to do this? This writer, a friend of mine.

He's been doing it for a long time. And he said, you just have sourdough bread and the kids love it. Wow. I just started doing it. And I just got hooked on it. Where do you buy your starter? You don't buy it. You can just start it.

You make a starter? Make a starter. Okay. How do you do that? You don't buy it. You can just start it. You make a starter. Make a starter. Okay. How do you do that? You just take some flour and water and put it out on the counter. That's it? Yeah.

I mean, there's measurements and stuff, but that's it. And then the natural yeast, there's yeast around us just floating around. That explains a lot of things. Yeah. And it goes into the con concoction and you'll see it starts to bubble and get lighter and you feed it some more and it gets bigger why you say feed it like feed it because it's what are you feeding it it's like a yeast like a little like a little community right feeding it you equal parts uh flour and water wow and it eats it and now it's like this living thing in the house who has a starter that's 100 years old?

I went to buy a Dutch oven, which is like a pot that you can bake, that you put the bread in. And this old guy was like, what are you doing? You know, the guy at Willem Sonnen was like six foot lanky. What do you need it for? I'm like, I'm going to make some bread. Oh, I've been making bread for a long time. Really? I'm going to be making sourdough bread.

Oh, I got my starter. Where are you getting your starter? I said, well, a friend of mine has the Brea starter. And my daughter just... The what? La Brea. What's the La Brea starter? That one is all the La Brea bakery bread.

You get the yeast off of the skin of grapes. So it's a process where you take grapes and you put it in like cheesecloth and you just let the yeast come off of all grapes have yeast in the skin, eating on the skin of the grapes. And that drips off and then you put it into the basic starter with flour and water. And you say La Brea. It's a little sweeter. So La Bre sweeter bakery like it's a chain is that what yeah like yeah there's you'll see them okay they're actual bakery and now they're like in ralph's and everything that's all over and they say and like the places san francisco that have big sourdough yeah that it all it maintains the same starter that they've always had so this guy said, so I told him where I was getting my stuff. My daughter made one as a gift, and then this other guy gave me a piece.

He said his starter came from Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And he got it from a friend of his, and it's over 100 years old. What? People have been passing it on. It's a cowboy starter. Cowboy starter. That's a cowboy starter. Cowboy starter. That's what it was. It was a lot of miners in San Francisco and all that during the gold rush. They were

creating bread that way. That's where it started. Now, huh. Yeah. I wonder how old the yeast organisms get before they die. And do they die? They probably reproduce. And yeah, it's a good question.

I don't know. Because basically, like I have it on my counter now. I've been feeding it for the last day. So now it's kind of bubbly. Wow. It's like glue. And it's kind of bubbly. So I'll scoop out four ounces of that, make bread out of it, and then take one ounce of that put it back in the jar

feed it a little and put it in the fridge so what's the process so if you took four ounces out and made bread with it what do you do with that the starter uh you basically take a lot of flour you take like 28 this is to make two of them two loaves you. You take 28 ounces of all-purpose flour or wheat flour, whatever you want to use. You put that in with a little salt. Then you take your starter. You take the four ounces and 18 ounces of water, a bunch of water, and you make it into a cloudy mixture. And then you dump that into the flour and salt that's in your mixer.

And it just makes it into dough. And then it just rises naturally you fold it a couple times put it into a ball into the dutch oven after a couple hours and then you've got bread it's that simple it's that simple how long before you start growing your own wheat and smashing up with a rock i'm headed that way. That is the guy who I bought the Dutch oven from is like, I really like seed breads. Oh, one of these fucking guys. And then I looked it up. That's like crazy, like 12 different seeds from different places and you mash them up.

I mean, then you're getting a job at Willem Sonoma. I went to the Museum of Natural History and they had a an egyptian uh mummy display uh-huh really fucking cool yeah um but one of the interesting things was by the time egyptian people were older you know they didn't leave that live that long but if they did they didn't have any teeth left because the way they made bread they ground it up they ground up their own flour and it left sand in the bread oh yeah gross so their bread was all you're eating sand so it would wear away your teeth that's gross i thought you're gonna say sugar no sand oh it's like no you would wear your teeth down grind them down nerves and they had all these methods that they were trying to concoct to save teeth like

wooden caps that they would put on we could chew on that instead of chewing with whatever nerve endings were left in your face just so you could eat more sand bread sandy bread it's fucked up it is a kind of a trippy thing that you just put some flour and water and this yeast comes from the environment. And now you've got this amazing tasting bread that the family can't stop eating. The kids are cutting it. It's just. Especially with butter. This has been around forever.

Right out of the oven when it's hot. Yeah. We're eating bread like crazy. Like when you're talking about eating sugar and all that flat we just can't stop we're all going to be fat I'm going the other way I'm not eating any of it at least for 60 days I don't feel mentally that clear

have you been making some life choices that you regret I told you I woke up at 7 this morning like oh I gotta do a show tonight that's the bread it is the bread. It is, man. The bread.

It's fucking breaking you down. That's so weird, man. Yeah. So weird that you could just put it out there and the natural yeast grows. I had no idea. No idea. I felt like it. You know what?

I wish someone had asked me, where does yeast come from? Because I'd never considered it before. I would have been like, uh, fucking, what is it, a plant? What is it? I don't know. Fucking yeast? And then there's like, you know, because you can buy yeast that just make regular bread and you throw it in there and it eats the flour on its own.

Wow. Newcastle woman maintains 122-year-old sourdough starter. Yeah, look at that. Whoa. There was a woman online who was this radical feminist who made sourdough bread out of her pussy yeast. Yeah, go find that one, Jimmy. The kids couldn't keep their hands off it.

Oh, it was fucking flying off the shelves. Yeah. I tweeted about it, but it was quite a while ago. Probably never find it. But I was like, good for her. I can't tell you. It's really a weird thing. I mean, I would never be baking bread. Now I'm like hooked on it. it but i was like good for her there is i can't tell you it's really a weird thing i mean who i would never be baking bread i don't know i'm like hooked on it yeah there is a woman who made

sourdough bread using yeast from her vagina just ate the bread it's her own pussy though why wouldn't she you know i would eat a cum donut. It was my own cum. A donut. Oh, gross. Why is it so gross when I eat it, but when my wife swallows it, it's all gravy? It's a good relationship. It's healthy. It's a commitment.

That's how life is built. Yeah, it's a compromise. Yeah, so I'm baking bread and getting fat. What else are you doing? Growing anything in your garden? You one of those guys? No. No? No. We're surrounded by bamboo. Like a bow and arrow. Bamboo just cost me five grand. What? Why? Well, once we had the

rains, nothing was draining off the property properly. So they started looking at the drainage pipes and stuff and the guys who built it didn't fasten them together at one point. And bamboo has grown into, it's like a log. I mean, I never saw it this thick, like eight inches. How did that happen?

It's massive. I had a root growing in my pipe. See if you can find that. That was online. Like a toilet root. It looked like a fucking... To can find that. That. That was online. Like a toilet root. It looked like a fucking. Toilet root. That's what it is.

It looked like the guy was pulling a gopher out of my toilet. There was actually, this is what happened. When we moved to Colorado for a bit, I didn't use that bathroom, obviously, because we were there for like four months. Right. And so the thing had apparently been in the toilet. There it is. That's from my own bathroom.

Oh. That's the bathroom in my office. Oh, my God. That thing. This guy's holding it up right now. Send me that. But was that solid or was that fibrous? What is that from?

What is that? Flicker. Flicker? Send me that photo so I can put it up on Instagram. Because I always forget about this. I need to put it up somewhere, show people. But that fucking thing, it looked like, if you see how thick it is, it looks like he's pulling a muskrat out.

It looks like some kind of a weasel or something. How long was it? Fucking huge. It's like four feet long, at least. You start to get scared of it. You're like, this stuff is really invasive. It could really do some damage. Oh, yeah.

It's not good. Look at this beautiful bread wow that's your bread it's pretty good that's amazing that looks excellent it's good makes me want to break my diet that was like one of my first ones and this is the starter have you gotten better at it yeah unfortunately what's the difference i gotta get back on the road i'm baking bread this is a lot of starter oh okay just that's before i knew what i was doing i was growing a lot of it now you just need like a little bit and was this just like do you have a burning desire to do this like no my friend told me about it that he was doing it and i came home

at dinner told my wife and kids about it and then for christmas my daughter started a starter. She went off and YouTubed and figured out how to do it. And then for her present, she gave me some starter. Oh, that's so cute. So sweet. So we started making bread off of it. And then my other friend who turned me on to it originally, he brought me a little of the Brea starter. So now we have two creatures. Have you thought about experimenting with different starters, like the grape starter, the pussy starter?

The pussy one's intriguing. I have to admit, I didn't know about it until just now. That's what this show's good for. No. No. Maybe grow my own weed. That would be good. Now it's pretty safe.

Pretty safe to grow your own weed. Can't really get in trouble for that now. Not in California. Right. If you're in Texas, you can go to jail forever. You it's pretty safe. Pretty safe to grow your own weed. Can't really get in trouble for that now. Not in California. If you're in Texas, you can go to jail forever. You can. It's so stupid. Forever? They can fucking lock you.

They found you with a giant plant. Not only that, say if you have a plant and the plant's in dirt and the dirt's in a pot, they wear the whole thing together. So if you have a big, heavy clay pot and the dirt that it it goes in you might have 50 pounds of weed meanwhile you really don't even have a pound of weed oh my god that's probably a male plant i grew it in college we had a house and we had like a walk-in closet oh really it's the happy days yeah just seeing it come alive and just knowing and you know in school you had no money to even buy it then all of a sudden we were growing it.

It was great. That is nice. Not to sell, just for ourselves. Good. Beautiful. It was beautiful. It is beautiful. That would be a nice thing to grow.

That's a good idea until your kids find it. Yeah. Then you've got to explain. I know. Daddy's a pothead. You know how daddy's funny and silly? That's not natural. Daddy's enhanced.

It was natural for a while, but now he's got to keep it going. I knew a guy who had a, um, a dispensary and in the back room of the dispensary, it was a very large room where they were growing weed. And I went into the room and it was like weed. It was like five feet high, five foot high plants and all these lights and everything. Yeah. And I swear to God, it felt like you were going into a room filled with people. Like there was like an intelligence in that room. Really? It was very strange.

Really? Granted, I was high. You must have been really high. When I walked in there. But I do, I really think there's something to it. There was something to that room. I was like, wow, this room feels like there's things in here. Like it doesn't seem like a room full of plants.

Yeah. Like you can go into a room full of plants and you're like, oh, this is feels like there's things in here. Like it doesn't seem like a room full of plants. Yeah. Like you can go into a room full of plants and like, oh, this is beautiful vegetation. Yeah. But this is like, you know, a room full of hello. It was very weird. I totally get that. You really start to care for them too.

It's like, it really seems insane that you don't own a dispensary. It's like. Me? Anybody. Anybody. With a brain living in California. it's like, you see, you know Denver. Print money. It changed that city and people

are making so much money. We're talking about going into Denver. Oh yeah? Yeah, we've considered starting something in Denver. Perhaps some sort of an edible factory. Really? But you gotta hire mercenaries. That's the problem. Or perhaps some sort of an edible factory. Really? I want in. But you've got to hire mercenaries.

I want in. That's the problem. What do I got? You've got to hire mercenaries. And I'm not joking. If you want to do that, it's not. Because it's all cash. It's all cash.

You're dealing with a lot of people that know that this is essentially like a bank they can rob. But it has much less security. And for the longest time, people were being forced to take these cash drops and take them to banks. Right. And banks weren't even taking them. Right. So then they would have to take them to banks and convert them to a traveler's check or

something along those lines. There was a bunch of different workarounds, so they had to figure out how to do. Banks are taking it now, though, right? I don't know what the fuck they're doing now. Right. Banks are taking it now though right I don't know what the fuck they're doing now The real issue is If some fucking wackadoo

Like Ted Cruz actually becomes the president Which is not Outside of the realm of possibility folks This is one of the scariest elections In recent memory For me I think it's the most scary Because I don't think that people are willing To vote for Hillary Clinton

Not only do I not think that people are willing to vote for Hillary Clinton. Not only do I not think that people are willing to vote for her, I think that, I don't even think, I think the people that are willing to vote for her are only willing to vote for her because she's a woman. They go, let's see if chicks can do it, you know. Or I want a woman in office, yay. Like it's that kind of thing. But she's not compelling as a leader. She's just not. No.

No, Bernie Sanders is interesting. He's very interesting. he's very interesting he's very interesting socially he's very interesting in that he's he's just he's way more a man of a people of the people than anybody else and people like he's a career politician yeah but yeah this fucking guy is he's so different than any other career politician that's running for office he really is he's the most interesting and intriguing to me, along with Trump. And Trump, although he says a lot of really stupid things and he's ridiculous and his ego's out of control

and the shit that he says about Mexicans is deplorable, he is so wealthy that he can do whatever the fuck he wants and he's using all of his own money to fund this campaign. And he won't be a puppet the same way that Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio or any of these other guys on the right will. Those guys scare the fuck out of me. That Ted Cruz guy scares the fuck out of me. He's really frightening.

He's so dumb. But he's not dumb. That's what's scary. He's very smart as far as his education. But the shit that he says and, oh, my God. I think the Hillary thing, though, there's also a majority of people who, from that party who will vote to keep things going on the Obama track. I think that there's enough of that,

that will kind of grin and bear voting for Hillary. Dude, Hillary Clinton versus Putin. I mean, who knows what the fuck happens if Putin decides to ramp shit up because Hillary becomes president.

She's pretty tough, though. She had that job. You know, she had that job. Thatcher wasn't a pushover. Right? She was nasty. She's not a real queen.

Whatever the fuck she was. I's not a real queen. Whatever the fuck she was. I don't know, man. That little province. She's just so non-compelling to me. There's nothing she says that's interesting. There's a great photo that I put up on Instagram that somebody made of the difference between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. And it's in regard to their response, like, what is the Olive Garden?

Like, how do you feel about the olive garden yeah that's funny here i'll show it i'll have jamie pull it up because it's so hilarious but it is how i feel about hillary clinton like i feel like she's she's just politics right yeah i know but but you know what it's politics but she's also boring yeah and i think that is something you kind of appreciate when they're in office really yes obama's kind of boring and wonkish and he but it just kind of no drama no big i mean this is kind of i'm talking against her at the same time but with obama there was no scandal there was no douchery there was no things taking us off track it just kind of went to work methodically it wasn't flashy it wasn't exciting but things improved here it is olive garden an authentic

italian restaurant for the whole family says hillary bernie only when i'm high that makes sense totally yeah there's a whole series of them. That's great. I just think that this is just, there's no one that really grabs me. Like Al Gore. No, I know. Al Gore, when he was running opposite of Bush, was compelling. I'm like, here's a guy who cares a lot about the environment. Right.

And people are like, oh, he's bullshit. That movie, An Inconvenient Truth, is filled with inconvenient facts and bullshit and lies and propaganda. Not one question about climate change in Republican debates. Yeah, they want to keep that on the DL. Not one. Pill addictions, like we're saying, pharmaceutical addictions, cigarettes. I mean, if there was a drug that just got released that's killing as many people as cigarettes,

that would be the number one hot topic for debate, right? Right. If there was a disease like the Zika virus that was killing a half million people it would be the number one hot huge topic of debate half a million people a year in this country alone but cigarettes skirt right under the radar yeah it's because the amount of money they contribute yeah same thing with pharmaceutical drugs absolutely the heroin problem in new hampshire right yeah well why do you think they're drumming up such fear about all the terrorism and stuff because these guys want to come it's the same thing with the

industrial complex they want to just those guys spend a lot of money on those politicians well you also know the whole reality of the new hampshire heroin problem was entirely spawned entirely spawned by oxycontin right It was people that got OxyContin. They got them easy and cheaply. And then they cramped down on it when they found that all these people were addicted. So what did they do? Did they fix it? Did they cure their addiction?

No. They made these poor fucking people try to figure out some other way to get their fix. Right. And the way to do that was heroin. A cheaper way to get it. It's the only way to get it. The only way to to get it because they couldn't get the pills anymore right so they started shooting up that's where it came from exactly it was all spawned out of the prescription drug problem that we have in this country right apparently that movie that those guys came in

here this prescription thugs apparently it's very good and there's some insane fucking stats statistics about it and i'll try to get those guys to come back in and talk about it after they're doing their press cycle right now and after I watch it. But the same guys who did Bigger, Stronger, Faster, which was an expose on steroids, did this expose on prescription drugs. Yeah, Chris Brell and Mark, his brother. But it's fucking terrifying stuff. Terrifying. Terrifying. What's so scary as a parent is that you can basically raise this beautiful person for their whole life and get to whatever age.

Let's put them as 17 to 25 when they're out on their own doing their thing. One bad summer, one horrible week, one intense weekend, and you can lose them. Well, how about this? Someone could fucking give them something and they can die from it. Yeah. Someone can lie to them. Someone could Bill Cosby them. Right.

Someone can give them some shit that they think is going to whack them out so they can have sex with your daughter. Crazy. And they could die of an overdose. That happens. It's insane. Yeah. You can't even have your kids go to's insane yeah you can't even you can't

even have your kids like go to a party you can't eat drink you can't have a sour patch kid you can't do any i know women have to be very careful about what they drink you know i i know i know people who've been drugged yeah i've met people who've been drugged it's very common yeah guys drop things in women's drinks completely it. It's terrifying shit, man. It's terrifying. This Bill Cosby thing is, you know, I think it's awful and it's horrific, but at least it's opening up this discussion that I think we need to have in this country about men who are willing to drug women and have sex with them while they're out.

That is a creepy, sociopathic, psychopathic type of person. So creepy. It's scary. It's really, and powerful people like him. Yeah. Wasn't the other one from that singing show, he was given, allegedly wasn't CeeLo Green busted for that? Yeah, he was given girls ecstasy.

Just without them knowing. Yeah. Allegedly. Allegedly.. Yeah. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Who knows? The guy who looks like a peanut M&M was trying to get... Get some pussy.

Weird. Get some pussy. He couldn't do it any other way? How odd. You think that... I met him once. Did you? On a plane.

I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. For sure stop eating, dude. Settle down. Gluten, grains. Yeah, everything. Whatever you're eating. Meat, steak balls, stomach. He had that one song

That Fuck You song Yeah It was a great song It was a good song And that launched the whole thing Since those allegations I think he's kind of disappeared, right? Yeah

I don't know what the deal is I mean, he might be in the middle of a trial or something I mean, just to knock them out Well, ecstasy doesn't knock them out No But I think it makes them much more willing to have sex yeah but back to the cosby thing like what you're saying like that issue of yeah guys that are just willing to knock women out oh how do you feel good about yourself the next as soon

as it's over it's not about that it's about getting back at women i think is it yeah i think there's women out there that um hate men and there's men out there that hate women. I think at this point, it's ridiculous to pretend anything different. And I think there's a direct correlation between people that have been rejected and people that have associated women with someone who's going to turn them down or treat them like shit because they're not physically attractive. Like this fucking guy who's built like a peanut on M&M. Right.

You know? physically attractive. Right. Like this fucking guy who's built like a peanut in M&M. Right. You know? You know,

I was lucky enough where I never had those interactions with girls coming up. Were you funny? I was funny and pretty good looking. Were you?

No. But, meeting friends as an adult who women just screw them over in their mind, in their,

in their fable. They come out with a whole different view of womanhood. I mean, mine was really pleasant. And I always see women as the victim or I always see women. And the guys who had a really shitty time and they got dumped on and whatever. There's a rage that these guys carry around. Oh, yeah. That it's really just kind of like a stroke of luck that when I was young, I met the nice ones.

You know what I mean? Yeah. These guys are really like, you know, you see guys, like, they kind of say jokes about, like, knocking a girl out and doing all this kind of stuff, but it's not really, they're not really kidding in a way. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right, right. There's a darkness any time you talk about women with these guys.

Well, there's always going to be people that got fucked over by somebody and if you were involved in a horrific divorce and i have a friend who was involved in a horrific divorce yeah that took years and i've talked about on this podcast ad nauseum unfortunately he's got to pay her for the rest of his life right because they were married for 12 years so uh he like she's a grown woman like if you have a fucking kid when the kid's 18 they're on their own yeah but not not a woman like if you have a woman you're married to her for 12 years by the way they were divorced more than 12 years ago so he has to pay her forever oh my god forever forever until she dies until she fucking dies so if she gets in some life extension shit some new science comes out he

and he lives for 500 years and she lives for 500 years, he's going to have to pay her for some shit that he doesn't even remember anymore. Oh, my God. And I'm not talking about a small amount of money either. He's wealthy. So he's paying her hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, more than a half a million, I think. So what's his rage like? Oh, it's crazy. If you get him started up, he literally needs a drink.

Really? It'll just start bubbling in his mind because the whole thing was a fuck. California? Yeah. Yeah, there's bad divorce laws. Really bad. And there's horrible ones. And if you get the wrong lawyer and she gets the right one, that's a wrap, son.

Oh, God. It's just insane that you don't have to move on with your life as a woman. Yeah. If a woman's married to a guy and we're not talking about someone with children she doesn't even have any children right like this is indefensible because i've heard people say no children i've heard people say yeah but you know she's got to raise the kids what kids no kids and when you tell them that they go wait what right yeah exactly she doesn't even have any kids and and he has to pay her forever. Oh, my God. Forever.

That's crazy. It'll be millions and millions of dollars by the time she's dead. Jeez. For nothing. For nothing. For God's sake. They had a relationship. Had a relationship. They enjoyed time together, and he didn't want to be with her anymore.

So he has to pay her forever. Oh. It's the most horrific form of prostitution known to man. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's crazy. Oh. It's crazy. We're not talking about child support that's insane yeah we're not talking even about a woman who like put the guy through

school while he was working on his engineering degree or something like that and then he went on to become successful and tried to abandon her and she's like hey i put you through school right i'm responsible for part of your success that makes a lot of sense nope never worked never never never worked while she was with him never worked oh my god yeah don't worry baby i'll take care of you you don't have to work how does the law support that because they're cunts it's just a cunt festival up there oh whoever creates it whoever enforces it whoever looks at that on paper and says that's's good, that's how it's written. A meteor should come from God's hand and fucking blow your brains out. It's insane.

That is crazy town. It's so gross. It's so scary. It's scary. It's really scary. What if he just got a job as a busboy? Well, he's responsible. And went to a studio apartment and didn't make that much money anymore. Well, I've got another one.

Dave, um... Coulier? No. to like a studio apartment and didn't make that much money anymore. Well, I've got another one. Dave – Coulier? No. God damn it. From News Radio. Jesus Christ. Dave Foley. Foley.

Why did I draw a blank on Dave? Because this one hurts my brain so much. I draw blanks with it. Oh, no. Dave? Dave Foley got divorced, and his wife wanted money that is like the way they established how much money he was going to pay her was depending upon how much money he was making at the time. So he was on news radio when they got divorced. So that was the highlight of his entire life as far as how much money he's ever going to make in a month.

Right. So they based it on a percentage of that, like 50% of that, which he will never. I mean, right now he's never made. I mean, I don't know if he will. Maybe he will. He's a very talented guy. He might have a hit next week. Yeah. But as far as right now, he's never made that kind of money ever again in his life. So he owes hundreds of thousands of dollars. Can't go to Canada. If he goes to Canada, they'll arrest him. And the judge literally said to him, your ability to pay has no relation to your obligation to pay. So you have an obligation to pay. I do not care if you're able to.

You're able to. You have an obligation to make more money. Oh, my God. That's the judge's words to his face. That's the judge's words to his face. And it's not like to make even $100,000 working at a straight gig. That's like winning the lottery. They based it on his winning ticket.

He won the lottery, basically. For five years, he won the lottery. For a network show. Yeah, he got the cushiest spot ever, which is a network sitcom in the 90s. Right. Back when they were real. It's not... You cannot... They don't even exist anymore. You when they were real. It's not a, you cannot. They don't even exist anymore. You can't replicate that.

How many sitcoms are there now? There are 10? Oh, my God. There's a million actors in Hollywood trying to get on 10 sitcoms. Right. You know? Oh. Oh, and he's 50-something, so it's not going to happen.

Holy cow. I mean, they don't want the 50-something guy. They want the guy that he was in the 90s. They want the 30-year-old guy. Oh, my God. Oh. What a nightmare. Fucking Christ.

And he's another one. You're around him when he talks about it, and you just, I need a drink. Really? I need a fucking drink. You just start drinking. Oh, that's so sad. He's such a good guy. Ice cubes, quick aliens, glasses, and whiskey starts pouring, and you're like, fuck.

And he is the nicest guy. Yeah. He is one of the handful of nicest people I've ever met in my life. And when he talks about his ex-wife, he just goes, she's a cunt. And she will not negotiate. She will not lessen his money. She doesn't give a fuck. She wants to torture him.

What is that? She's a crazy person. Oh, that's so gross. But that's these crazy laws. And when people say, well, why do you think, why? Like, even my own wife, like, I say marriage is retarded. It's ridiculous. I'm happy. I'm happily married.

I love her. She's great. I love having a family. But it is fucking dumb. Well, you shouldn't say that. It's fucking dumb! It's dumb! I shouldn't say it.

If you were making all the money, you'd say it, too. It's crazy. It's a legal contract with the state that involves two people getting along. That's insane. It's one of the most transient things that we can do is try to establish sexual relationships with each other. How often those fucking things last? I know. None of them last forever.

Well, it's really a business. You're really creating a business. Yes. And it becomes a big business as you go further on and bring on other employees and children and that kind of thing. And this is why you're not allowed to have sex with your coworkers because that makes things very complicated. Right? Yeah. If you have a job and you have a secretary and you start banging your secretary and she's a part of this business that you've created with your wife, you've got real issues.

You're experiencing pleasure from someone else. And that's like if you are working on a set, you can't plug something in because there's a union electrician. It's his job. You need that union electrician. Otherwise, that guy wouldn't really be able to justify his position. Well, your wife is your dick technician. And if your secretary, not only does she handle your paperwork, but wife is your dick technician, and if she's the flag in Terry Not only does she handle your paperwork, but also handles your dick well. We got a problem here

Yeah, cuz we have one too many employees. It's very complicated. Well this try and keep that on the rails Yeah, the secretary is really good at plugging things in and I just feel like I don't need someone else so it's over bitch The kids are 18. Fuck off! There's going to be a big lawsuit. Oh yeah, Madeleine Albright on speed dial! Next thing you know. Does it count where you got married or is it where you got divorced?

I think where you got married is big. It's the bigger part of it. So if you get married in California, that's one of the worst places. Yeah, it's one of the worst places. One of my favorite stories was this New York really wealthy fucking millionaire, multimillionaire business guy marries this young lady. He's in his 60s.

She's in her 30s. She's hot as fuck. He marries her. And then when he marries her, he immediately files for divorce in the Dominican Republic. I believe it was Dominican Republic. Right. Look the story up because it was real recent. She had no idea.

They were married the entire time she thought they were married. Right. But he had filed for divorce and had attorneys represent her and him in absentia. He paid for both lawyers, won the case, and got divorced. In another country? In another country. So he's saying, we're not married, bitch. We got divorced weeks afterwards.

Here's my paperwork. It's binding in the Dominican Republic. This is a legal document. Really? Where'd they get married? I don't know. In the States? Good question.

Yeah, I think so, in the States. Jeez. Yeah. Mick Jagger tried to do the same thing with Jerry Hall. Oh, really? Yeah, he's like bitch we didn't even get married in america we got married on like a fucking coconut island somewhere yeah so he was saying that that didn't count either oh my god you find the guy yeah

here's the guy husband secretly divorced wife after wedding to protect his assets and look at him and look at her of course she's hot's hot and young. Of course. Yeah. They were married for 20 years, raising a son, and living the good life in between homes in New York and France. Oh, my God. It was all perfect, except one thing. He had secretly divorced her just months after their wedding in an apparent attempt to shield his assets. Wow.

That is hilarious. He's 90. Yeah. And now she's 59. Wow. He's 90. Yeah, and now she's 59. She's suing her 90-year-old husband to nullify the divorce that she never knew about and keep him from selling an apartment that they shared.

Wow. That's hilarious. So they met in 1994. So they met when he was 70. Jesus Christ. He knew what was going on. Yeah, he was 70. He probably said no to the prenup.

And she was more than 30 years his senior. Huh. So she was like somewhere around 30-something. And he was old as fuck. Marrying a 70-year-old guy. She says, it's a fraud, she tells the Post. Well, it's the fraud. Which one's the fraud? Which one's the fraud?

What did you do to get that apartment? Where's your money coming from, lady? How's that work? But it's not good enough. See, we've established that when someone marries someone, they won the lottery. When you marry some old rich dude like that guy, you've won the lottery, and then you deserve to get paid from winning that lottery. But the reality is, what exactly was going on in that relationship? They were together and he made all the money.

And she wants some of that money that he made while she was living in the same place as him. That's really what it is. Yeah. If you're an athlete, you know, like professional athlete, how do you possibly meet someone and think this is not going to go against you? Well, sometimes it works. Sometimes.

You can meet the right people, man. It's really who are you, who are they. It's so hard to generalize. And some relationships work great. And some marriages work great. Yeah. Some marriages where both people make a similar amount of money and no one is really in it for the money. And they have a modest living.

And they enjoy themselves. Yeah. And they just love being together. And they like the fact that they wear a ring and hey that's my wife that's my husband yeah we're happy we love it this is great that's nothing wrong with that the real problem is when you break up it's like my buddy who went through this horrific horrific divorce yeah he married a new woman after that and she didn't want to sign a prenup and he was going fucking crazy you know and i and everyone was screaming at him all of his friends like do not do this

you have to find a style she's like you're saying that it's not going to work he's like no because if it doesn't work then the prenup doesn't mean anything yeah and he has a history no he's saying if it doesn't work the prenup is is valuable it It comes in handy. But if it does, what I'm saying is, if this marriage works, if you do your part, I do my part, we work it out, we make it beautiful, we stay together forever, the prenup doesn't mean shit. Right. Never touch it. Because we'll be together forever.

Right. So if the marriage is going to work out, it only means something if it doesn't work out. If you're looking at it as an investment. Yeah. So what she is hoping for, or what she's saying essentially is if it doesn't work out I want you to get fucked over again and you're protecting yourself you're protecting yourself from the legal system that's set up the fuck you if you and I don't want to be together anymore you have to get punished you must be punished

financially and he has a whole story that he can hold up in front of her like you know I am suffering and he works like so what do you do hours he's got a prenup he does he got through it yeah he wouldn't he wouldn't do it he how could you the beating that he took yeah so but he lost a house he lost i mean it's the whole story is comical the the ex-wife lives in with a guy now but she's not allowed to so when they go to inspect the house, the guy literally puts all his stuff in a U-Haul, drives around the corner, waits for the inspector to leave, and drives back. No. It's a game.

Can't he get a private investigator or something? It doesn't matter. You have to prove it. The private investigator, what evidence did he discover? It's like you can't, there's only so much privacy you can violate in someone's home. It's not his home. You know what I'm saying? It's not like his own home where he could put a camera in his own home and catch his wife banging some fucking personal trainer.

This is not that. This is her house now. By the way, multi-million dollar house in the Palisades. Really? Overlooking the ocean. No. All hers. Oh, God.

Oh, it hurts. When you find out what can happen to you in a divorce, it's horrific. But what happens if he seriously gets a job working at a diner and is like, no one will hire me? He would have to go back to court and he would have to figure out a way to get a judge to agree to lower the terms. But the problem is he's responsible for maintaining her lifestyle. So if he takes that job, he could actually be put in prison yes because he's not making enough exactly holy cow well he would have to get a judge that agrees to maintain to lower the lifestyle that he has been that he's obligated to maintain he's obligated to maintain a certain lifestyle for her oh my god it's insane

that's because we're not talking about substantive Because we're not talking about subsistence. We're not talking about like you have to give her $50,000 a year and that's enough for her to survive on and that way she doesn't have to get a job. Or maybe you have to give her $100,000 for two years until she can figure out how to get a job. She's a human being. She's a person. Yeah.

She's intelligent. She's articulate. She has a job. She's a human being. She's a person. Yeah, she's intelligent. She's articulate. She has an education. She's not a handicapped person. She's not diseased. She's not broken where she can't work. She doesn't have feet. She's like a regular person.

Right. She can get a job. She's a regular person. It's fucking madness, man. Wow. I mean, it is truly madness. It's really the worst case scenario. But the thing is, unless you're with the worst case scenario but you know the thing is

unless you're with these people you don't know these stories right unless you know someone that's gone through this you don't know these stories yeah and then when you hear these men's rights groups and then you hear feminists mock men's rights groups like this is this is the reason why a lot of people won't take feminism seriously and this because a lot of them mock these men's rights groups and this is also the reason why a lot of these men's rights groups have a valid point. Because there's a lot of men's rights points that are stupid as fuck. What do you care if these feminists don't like you? What do you care if they bitch about the way you act or dress?

Unless you work with them, what do you care? Right. If you're trapped in some office with some man-hating woman and she has a position above you and she's making your life hell right well that's no different than being trapped in an office with some sexist pig man yeah if you're a woman it's it's terrible if someone is gender specifically biased in any way sure but in unless you see the devastation that it can like it overwhelms someone's life like yeah dave foley's life from the time that i met him to the time that he got divorced when he was on news radio, his life has been overwhelmingly influenced by this woman that he used to be married to that he doesn't even know anymore. Yeah. I mean, he doesn't see her anymore.

He hasn't had sex with her in decades. Oy. But they're still inexorably connected financially and it has ruined his life these are two just two people i know yeah two successful men right who have to pay the women that they used to sleep with more than 20 years ago they he has to they have to pay them forever oh my god and that's just one story and and it's the the problem is the court system and this is one of the things that i was going over with Phil Hartman before his wife Murdered him. Yeah, I was telling him, you know, I'm I I grew up in

A really fucked up house like when I was little my parents split up and I was young there was violence And there's just like and my mom when my dad hit my mom my mom got her shit and got the fuck out Right. I saw it. I saw him hit her. Right. And then we moved to my grandfather's house immediately afterwards. We were out. Yeah.

And apparently he had done it before and he terrorized her and she was like, fuck this. We're going. We're gone. Right? So in my mind, when shit goes bad, you got to fucking pull strings. Yeah. Just get out. Just get out. So I was telling Phil, I go, dude, get out pull strings yeah get you just get out just get out so I was telling Phil I go dude get out of there man just

get out it was like he was like it's not that simple he's like you don't give half I was like give her half he's like it's not half he goes it's two-thirds because the fucking lawyers get a third he likes it's a business he's like you have to understand there's a business involved in law there's a business involved in divorce first of all he had to pay for her lawyer he's like, you have to understand, there's a business involved in law. There's a business involved in divorce. First of all, he had to pay for her lawyer. He's like, I have to pay for her lawyer. I have to pay for my lawyer. And there's two lawyers. They're going to battle it out, and they're going to drag

it out as long as possible to make the most money on the case. Just ruin your life. Oh, well, they get a percentage, and they get paid by the hour. So the whole thing is just brutality. Keep it going. It's brutality. And if you have somebody who's a little off, you can just keep fueling the fire. She'll just keep it going.

Well, you know Carla Bow? Yeah. Okay. How about this one? Carla Bow, who used to be in the Outlaws of Comedy with Sam Kinison. Sam Kinison fucked Carla Bow's wife and got her pregnant. Right. Carla Bow was raising Sam Kinison's child thinking it was his own.

Right. Got a DNA test after Sam Kinison died, found out it wasn't his child, tried to get out of paying child support, and they said, no, you have to pay child support forever. So Carla Bow owes hundreds of thousands of dollars. For Sam's baby. For Sam's baby. He's fucked. His credit is ruined. He doesn't have a car. I mean, he's fucked. His credit is ruined.

He doesn't have a car. I mean, he's devastated by all this. He's just a working comic. Just a comic. Yeah. I mean, a road comic. Road comic. A guy who does well.

He does headlines. But he can't. Wait, it's not like a. Yeah. So he tried to fight it and lost. And so now because he lost, he has to pay. But he's responsible for another man's child. His wife had an affair and it doesn't matter.

Why does that not matter? Because we are living in a system that, look, women are fucked over in this country. Let's just make this as a caveat. Women get fucked over in this country all the time. I mean, there's absolutely, besides what we're talking about with men that are willing to drop pills and girls drinks. There's women that work in offices with pieces of shit for bosses. And they sexually harass them and fuck with them and make their life horrible. And create this boys club environment that makes it terrible for them to work in.

There's absolutely that. There's absolutely... But when it comes to divorce and when it comes to a man who makes money and the, the, the preying upon that man that happens, it's fucking, it's horrific. It's horrific.

That should be a documentary. Well, it's so much to follow those stories around. Like really, that would be in really, because people don't know those stories. Yeah. An inconvenient truth.

Yeah. It's another one. Right. Inconvenient truth. So it's, you know, it Yeah. An inconvenient truth. Yeah. It's another one. Right. Another inconvenient truth. So it's, you know, it's, it's bad, man. There's a lot of people that get devastated. What state was LeBow in? What was that?

California. That was California. California. It's all California. California has that law. And in some ways I kind of understand because like, look, um, I have a stepdaughter and she's, as far as I feel, she's my daughter. I mean, I treat her like she's my daughter.

And if I found out that one of my actual daughters was actually not my biological daughter, I wouldn't love them any less. No. Um, I wouldn't want my wife to get giant chunks of money because of it. But if it was about supporting the kid, I would never change that. I would never change that because that's, but his case is more than that. It's to support her well that's a fucked up situation man it's goddamn sam kinnison like why doesn't the sam kinnison estate i mean how much money are they making right how come they're not why don't they pay it right that's his kid you're talking about a wealthy man who died who's one of the greatest comics who ever lived i can only assume like i read something the other day that said that Liverpool, just Liverpool, gets $100 million a year from the Beatles.

Wow. I don't know how the fuck that works. But just the taxes involved, the amount of money that they generate from their portfolio. Yeah, the taxes from all the sales. Who knows, right? You're not making much off Kenneson anymore, though. Yeah, but Kenneson had to have generated a few million yeah but that's gone right i mean there's a whole generation that doesn't even know sam anymore unfortunately god how is that possible isn't that crazy there's a kid that does a great

impression of kinnison and he went up with the lab factory yeah i think so and no one these kids at the lab factory had no idea who he was talking about. Well, that's the thing. We were talking about this OJ case. Yeah. Like, you and I, we were around when the OJ trial was going on. Right. But a lot of kids today, they don't even fucking have any idea what this is about. No clue. No idea.

We're old, dude. How old are you? I know. How old are you? 39. I'm 48. Ah, so am I. How old are you for real?

47. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. It gets you, man. It's all of a sudden you're like, holy shit,

we've lived, we've been around. We've seen some shit. But then you see people older. I always gravitate towards those people. I'm like, he's still rocking it. He's still going.

Some people are, but less. Less. Why? Because they die? Yeah. Well, as I, you know, like Jamie and I were just talking about this. Me and Brian Callen, we were doing this podcast the other day.

We do this podcast called The Fight Companion. And we watch the UFC fights and we talk about fighting. We get drunk and get retarded. And in one of the little exchanges that we have, Brian was throwing kicks and I was teaching him how to throw kicks right. And one of the things that people were saying, like, these guys are 50. How are they even doing that? Jesus Christ. Like, they think we're dead.

But then I'm like, well, how many people do I know that are 50 that are taking care of themselves? Yeah. That's right. It gets to a number. I know. You know, I'm 48 fucking years old. When I'm 90, I'm probably not going to be able to do any of these things. That's just a fact. So I'm halfway to not being mobile.

Being able to do any of that. Yeah, man. I mean, at what level or what age do you get where your body just doesn't work right anymore? Well, that's the thing. If you're active, you've got to stay active. You've got to stay. I mean, no joke. And when going to that yoga class where it's, you know, the after drop-off and there's some older people,

to see like a 70-year-old woman in there like standing on her head and doing a, you know, backward backbend. It's like because she kept doing that, that's why she's able to do that now. That's one of the things. The place that I go to has some really good instructors. And one of the things that this lady was talking about was she's in her, I want to say she's in her 60s, and she was saying that if you just maintain your practice and keep doing it, you can be healthy and mobile deep into your 90s.

And a lot of it is just people neglecting their body. Atrophy. Completely. Where? Just, yeah. You see people that can't even touch their toes anymore. Yeah. It's weird.

You've got to go to the gym. Yeah. And as you get older, one really important thing is lifting weights. It's very important for older people because you need to maintain muscle mass just to avoid being injured and bone density. Don't they say you have to really max out as much as you can up to 50 because that's when you really start to fall off muscle wise um i don't know i haven't heard that no i mean you you're slowly falling off from the time you're like 30 yeah the whole key is just maintaining a level of activity right you have to maintain a level of activity but also maintain a level of maintenance. And that's where I really love yoga because yoga is taking care of a lot of like weird

back pains that I used to have and hip pains and weird shit. It's weird. Isn't all of a sudden all this goes away? Yeah. All that tension's kind of gone. It's amazing. It is amazing. There's a reason why those skinny motherfuckers in India have been doing it for a thousand

years. You're right. It's really good for you. I know. Do you do it high? You ever do it high? No. No?

No. No? No. Really? Yeah. That's the way to do it. Do you get high? How often do you get high?

Not that often anymore. What does that mean? Once a month? Once a year? Once every couple of months. Yeah. You should do it. I want to do it all the time.

If you don't have anything to do during the day. When does that happen? Just take a day. Take a day where you tell your agent or whoever the fuck it is that bothers you. Say, listen, Tom Papa's off the fucking grid today. Then I'm also telling my wife I'm not picking the kids up and I'm not doing the dinner. What time do you have to pick your kids up?

Four. You're good. Take a 9am class. You'll be fine. Just get barbecued. Drop the kids off. Take four a 9 a.m. class. You'll be fine. Yeah, just get barbecued. Drop the kids off. Drop the kids off. Take four strong hits and go to yoga class. Really? You will feel your body in a way where you've never felt it before.

You'll feel like your vertebrae stretching and the tissue in your neck loosening. I'm doing that tomorrow. Well, that's one of the secrets of the sadhus and the yogis of India is they would smoke all these chillums. They would smoke hash. They were all hash heads. And they would go and do their practice. Really? It's a big part of it.

I'm going to try it. I want it so bad. I can completely. Can feel it. For the first time in my life, I have this issue where I've got a muscle under here, under the first rib, that's tight. And it's affecting back here down to my arm. Affecting how? It's cutting off whatever nerves are running down here.

Oh. It's constricting. It's raising this rib. It's just all tight. The muscle's tightened, the rib is pulled up and it's pinching on the stuff that's coming down. Do you feel any numbness? Sometimes. Okay.

And so I've gone to this great guy Colin Ello, he's great, he works with the clippers and stuff and he knows exactly where it is and it's helping. But he's like, do not sleep on your stomach. He just goes in and loosens it up. And it's basically just kind of releasing the tension of it.

Deep tissue. And it's working. I feel it. It's only a couple times. And there's two parts of this. One is I can't sleep. I sleep on my stomach with my head to the side. I used to do that.

I fucked my neck up doing that. That's exactly what happened. Yeah. And that's the cause of it. But my sleep, I'm used to doing that. That's exactly what happened. And it's really, that's the cause of it. And I, but my sleep, I'm used to doing that my whole life. Now I'm laying on my back. It's so hard to sleep. I lay on my side.

You do? Yeah, I lay on my side. I put a pillow in between my legs and I lay on my side. This is, I literally, when I was driving here, I was like, Joe will know. Yeah. I had the same exact issue, by the way. You did? Yeah. Before, I literally, when I was driving here, I was like, Joe will know. Yeah. I had the same exact issue, by the way. You did? Yeah.

Before, I hurt my neck. I've hurt my neck from jujitsu, but before I did that, I started developing problems in my neck from laying down. That's it? Yeah. I had no idea it was just from laying down on your stomach. Especially if you lay down flat and turn your head the same way. Right. Always turn your head to the right.

Always. You're fucked. Always. Yeah. Have you ever heard of those cab drivers develop swollen discs or bulging discs because they sit with a wallet in their pocket oh right because just that lifting of your butt cheek that an inch on one side fucks your back up repeatedly yeah because that's what you're doing when you're sleeping yeah it's really bad for you tissue is really pliable man it is and then it re like everything's out of whack so you

have to kind of like reset it he'll reset me and then it's like all right just don't lift your arm and try and be cool and just kind of let it learn that it's got it's back in its place you see that little ball that little blue ball right here hold on yeah a little blue one behind the creepy guy oh this heavy oh what's this? That is, that's called a mobility wad supernova. That's a smaller one. I actually prefer,

there's a larger one that we have around here somewhere. I give them to people because I want people to use these things. People have sore backs. Yeah. What you do is

you put it on the ground or on a wall and you back up against it and like put your weight on it and you rub it up and down. Like you roll the ball and it breaks up against it and like put your weight on it and you rub it up and down. Like you roll the ball and it breaks up all the scar tissue and loosens up all the tendons and all the fascia.

It's painful, but if you can bite your teeth and get through it, it'll make a significant difference in loosening up your muscles. It's such a strange idea. Like I've never had any issue. I've worked out. I was an athlete my whole life. I never literally have ever been like, oh, that hurt for the first time.

And I had no idea the concept that all the tissue and tendons are just tightening. And I'm just ending up like a hunchback. Well, that's one of the things that pot will help. Yeah. Because you feel all those things. You feel all those tense. Like marijuana, it's almost of the things that pot will help. Yeah. Because you feel all those things. You feel all those tense. Like marijuana, it's almost like whatever sensitivity you have about your body awareness ramps it up to 10. I mean, it's why sex feels so good when you smoke pot.

Right. Because it just ramps up all the feeling. Right. It changes the way you interface with the nerve endings. I'm scared now to lift. For the first time, I'm not lifting. Really? For like, since like October.

Ooh, that's not good. Because that'll fuck it up even more. Is that right? Yeah, you lose strength in your back. Right. You need to go to a personal trainer that understands how to strengthen that area to keep this whole thing from happening.

Right. I mean, he works with the clippers. And he's, I mean, two times, and it's like, all right, we're on to it. Yeah. Sounds like you have a good massage therapist guy, right? That's whatippers. And he's, I mean, two times and it's like, all right, we're on to it. Yeah. Sounds like you have a good massage therapist guy, right? That's what he does? He's a massage therapist?

He's like a chiropractor. See, I think chiropractors are mostly bullshit. I don't know if he's a physical therapist or chiropractor. I don't know what he is. I think chiropractors are mostly bullshit. Yeah, well, I've been to some bullshit ones. They're all that back cracking and nonsense. Yeah.

Yeah, I think they're mostly bullshit. But one of the things that they do do is all the other stuff outside of back cracking, like cold lasers work and massage works. Right. There's a lot of other different effective methods of alleviating pressure and tension that work. But all that back cracking stuff, if you talk to most people that study it and then try to figure out what exactly they're doing, they're like, they're not doing anything. They're popping things in place. And if you have

something really fucked up, yeah, maybe. Maybe if something's really out of whack and they can straighten it out. But most of the time, that's not what's going on. Most of the time, you're just getting this sort of placebo effect where they're pushing on your back and making a noise. Pop, pop. Oh, we got it. We got it. You're good, you're like i'm good i'm good i'm good i feel great no this guy i mean i was really a mess yeah i mean i literally i couldn't go like this without this just going numb and uh he got i mean he was just like no it's right in here and then i like cool for you know a week and then i'm sleeping i'm literally you gotta do it every week yeah yeah you gotta loosen it up i mean it sounds like you have a

real serious if you're gone you ever had rolfing done rolfing is like a very painful method of deep tissue massage where they're they're stretching out your fascia and loosing up all these binding connective scar tissue, all that stuff. And that can be super effective. What's all the scar tissue just from whatever abuse you did in life? Just life. Yeah. Muscle pulls that heal funny.

Oh, really? Heal tense up me, especially if you have a bad pull. Right. I've had a bunch of them. There's scar tissue all over my back. But I think yoga fixed a lot of it, like really a lot. I don't have any back issues now. But I do feel like as much as I love yoga, I do feel like you have to keep lifting.

Yes. And I haven't literally because this started becoming a problem like around October, November. And I literally feel like soft. Yeah. There's people that don't think that, you know, and I just don't think they're right. If you talk to like people that are experts in physical culture, you know, people people that really understand what do you need to do to keep your body at its most effective operating level. Yeah. And they say it's a bunch of different stuff.

It's like you have to do cardio. You have to lift weights. You have to stretch. Yoga is part of that. Yeah, it's part of it. I was just in Hawaii doing a gig. And I'm at the pool and just like you know they have the no kids pool like the serenity pool kind of thing so i'm there so it's

all guys that are like you know late 30s to mid 60s every guy walking around there was like guys that were athletic you know like you could tell and then there's guys that are a complete mess and then there's a whole bunch in the middle. The dad bod. The dad bod. A little pudgy and no shoulders. All their shoulders have disappeared. You can just see it's just a bone.

A bone. Into it. I don't want to be. Ready to tear off. It's really what it looks like. Try to pick up a suitcase and just. Yeah. Just from your basic life.

It's like, you can't end up like that. No. You can't. Well, some people like you can't end up like that. No. You can't. Well, some people, they don't have a job like we have. I know. It's hard. This is what I was talking about. My friend who got divorced and fucked over.

That guy works 12 hours a day. Yeah. When's he going to go to the gym? He probably would be better off, though. He gets a trainer, and sometimes he goes on his lunch break and stuff like that. But the reality is he's working. Yeah. You know?

I know. He's got to pay for his fucking divorce. his lunch break and stuff like that but the reality is he's working yeah you know i know he's got to pay for his fucking divorce but if he can work out then it's kind of like uh you're antidepressant you should move to argentina you should just stockpile all of his cash get a fake fucking passport and just you're on your own hooker and just go they can't come get you right if they don't know where he is they can't come get you i mean it's not like he's but if they do i couldn't live with the paranoia that's true especially thinking oh yeah right you're on the beach having a great time this is the life unless they catch me and then it's not the life do you have a card in prison do you have a card yeah everybody does you don't have one i don't

i'll get you one i've been so out of it come on it's not hard i know just bring you to a place this is tom papa hi tom what's going on i need pot okay i'm so out of it i after i was every day for like a decade and then just stopped stopped it's hard when you have responsibilities too and i wasn't as funny it was hurting my Was it really? It was making me lethargic. Oh, you're one of those guys. Yeah. It was making me not as funny. Well, there's different kinds of pot, too. And there's different reactions that people have to pot.

Like some people pot. Pot makes me more active, believe it or not. Yeah. Kind of ramps me up. Yeah, sativas especially. Right. Yeah, it makes me like really ramped up. Uh-huh.

Like I want to like go watch documentaries on space and write shit down. especially. Right. It makes me really ramped up. I want to go watch documentaries on space and write shit down. Right, right. Sometimes I'll smoke pot before I get in the sensory deprivation tank, and I don't even get in the tank because I have an idea and I have to write. Right. I just find myself in front of my computer for hours just writing. Sativa does that? Yeah, yeah.

And what's the other kind? Indica. Indica. Indica is like the couch weed. That's the physical. That's like, boy. They're both physical. Yeah.

They're both, but it's not, it's more of a sedative. Right, right, right. More of, it's like it's great for people in pain. Right. Like people that are in a lot of pain love indica, like back pain, like, oh, just relaxes them. Is there anything to what Neil Young was talking about of chewing coffee beans makes you less paranoid? You ever heard that one? Well, caffeine definitely alleviates a lot of the issues with THC.

You know, if you're really too high, the best thing you can do is drink something with caffeine in it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It severely mitigates the effects of THC. Like, if you're fucking way too high, just go to Starbucks, get a venti coffee and just sit down. Right, relax a little. It'll,

the caffeine will have a pretty big impact on you. Really? But coffee beans, especially like raw coffee beans, like coffee beans are very healthy for you. Yeah?

Yeah. Like the actual bean itself, like especially the outside of the coffee bean, like the green part of the coffee bean, very high in antioxidants. Yeah.

I figured Neil Young would know. You know, it's funny. It's kind of like when you come back to a sport. I was into cycling for a while and then didn't do it and then came back eight years later and it's like the whole sport had changed. It just evolved so quickly and everybody knew different carbon fiber and all this different kind of. That's the same thing with weed. It's like I've been out of it so long.

You come back, you come back, you're like, no, there's a whole bunch of new things now. There's vape pens and sour gummies. And dabs. The kids try to get you to do dabs. Those wacky fucking kids. You ever heard of the dabs? No.

Oh, my God. What's that? It's really like you have all this equipment and you're taking THC wax and you've got a stick and a fucking a torch it's stupid i want to go old school i want a big fluffy oh a big fluffy tree that i could see and feel and how about joints just a simple joint yeah you want to light this up right now just like a simple no no while we're here my tesla will drive me home yeah just get your

carry him around in a case? Yeah, like a fucking gentleman. Then you got a show tonight. Are you doing a show tonight? Exactly. I'll be out of my head. I'll smoke this right before I go on stage. Do you really? Hell yeah.

You're like a Superman. No, I'm like a normal person. No, you're not. I'm the one who's got the issues, pal. Yeah, I got issues. That's normal. People with issues is normal. You're someone that's mastering their issues.

This stuff's good for you. I know it's good for you. I'm going to crash my car if I start smoking it. I'm trying to get your contact high over here. You want just a little tiny hint? No. No? All right.

What about your kids seeing you smoking online? Well, we'll keep them offline. How old are they? Well, the youngest ones are seven and five. They're online and they see me smoking. We've got a real problem. Two more years. Two more years.

It's 24 months to come up with an excuse. They're going to go back. Once they hit YouTube, they're just going to go through the files. Yeah. And that's what a dad does. See this nice house we live in? Yeah. Daddy made this when he was high on marijuana.

Marijuana's not bad for you. I don't think it's bad for you. It isn't bad. It's bad for a kid, though. Yes, it is bad for a kid. You don't want your kids doing it. But so is wine. I drink wine in front of my children.

True. I go to a restaurant, and I'll have a couple glasses of wine in front of my children. And I don't have any problem with it. I've let them taste it. That's a good point. I mean, they put it in their mouth like, it is Captain Kidd. Right. But wine is alcohol, and you could drink yourself to death.

You could drink yourself to death off a wine. People have done it before. It smells so good. It smells great. But there's something wrong with it, man. It's bullshit. No, I know. It's all bullshit. I was just in Hawaii, and it was just so like.

Yeah. Especially when you're in Hawaii. Just made for for it oh yeah good lord yeah it's just so perfect hawaii has a meth problem do they no yeah a lot of poverty well yeah well i know there's parts of it that are it's just a regular place yep that's but that drives me crazy because i'm like oh my god you live in arguably the greatest spot on earth and somehow or another people get hooked on meth there. I know, and they're in a horrible strip mall. Sad. It is paradise there, though. Fuck yeah.

If you do it right and stay in the right places. Yeah. The people are great, too. They have a very relaxed attitude about life. It's magical. Literally. I mean, you're just sitting there. In the middle of the ocean in the middle of the ocean the

middle of the ocean yeah and this little island and all these other human beings some whatever their reason have joined you on this island yeah and there's this giant whale with its baby whale just dancing right next to you go into the water you hear them singing yeah the stars it's just yeah we were there with wild dolphins and we were on this tour where you put on snorkel gear and then they find the pods and they pull the boat within maybe 50 yards of the pod

and then you dive in the water and swim over to the pods of dolphins. No. It was amazing. Jeez. But Hawaii's got a lot of fucking shark attacks man they do i literally was like why aren't there more shark attacks and when i got home i looked it up there's a lot of shark well while we were there somebody got killed no yeah while we were there a woman from germany

got fucking murked by a shark just swimming snorkeling well we've been there three times and people got jacked by sharks yep a got killed, and then another dude got his leg essentially ripped off. He was a local Hawaiian kid who was surfing, and that was on the big island. He got jacked. There was another time we were there. I was watching the news, and, you know, we're out there in the water, fucking calm as can be, snorkeling, having a good old time. It's nerve-wracking.

That's scary. I'm glad I didn't know that when I was out there trying to look for sea turtles 2015 was apparently the biggest year ever recorded for shark attacks what's the change? climate change water's getting warmer

less food? they're mad they're mad at people for fucking up the water they know the people are to blame I don't know what the reason is, but I saw that recently. It was a headline of one of the news stories over the last couple days. The other thing that happens a lot in Hawaii, helicopter crashes. They're not that infrequent.

Those tourist helicopters flipping around. Oh, really? That's a good list. Really? Yeah. Dude, I've been on those things twice. Me too. How dare you. Shouldn't do it. How dare you

fuck with me after I smoked a lot. Well, you ruined my Tesla experience. Now I think someone's going to send me into a tree. Oh, man. Look at that. Record number of shark attacks in 2015, though only six deaths. Oh, only six. Well, imagine if the Wolfman only killed six people last year. People are like,

oh, it's fine to go outside with full moon. Just get out in the woods. There's not that many wolf men. Yeah, but what about the wolf men? No, wolf men mostly eat deer. Yeah. The wolf men. What was the number of attacks?

If there's six deaths, how many attacks were there? 98. 98 in one year? Yep, 98. Does it say 28 more? 26 more? 26 more? Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. In the previous year. Number of shark attacks worldwide with 98 incidents, a whopping 26 more than the previous year. Wait. And 40 more than the figure from a decade prior. That's not Hawaii, though. That's international. Is it international?

Does it say that? Worldwide. Worldwide. Yeah. That's not that bad if you think about it worldwide. Yeah. So the wolf man if there's only like a few wolf men out there worldwide you'd be like it's a full moon but it's

a nice full moon we'll go out we'll hear the twig snap we'll know the werewolf is not stealthy they howl they're assholes they're very arrogant they're silver. We're fine. I don't have to go in the ocean, by the way. I can go to Hawaii and sit on a beach and be happy. Me too. I don't have to go. I don't. I'm not big on water stuff. No, I used to as a kid.

Man, fishing in Hawaii is amazing. Yeah? Yeah. Catching a fish and then bringing it back to the restaurant and they'll cook it for you. Most hotels, they'll have a chef that you ask them. If you go on a fishing trip, if you organize it, like, a lot of them through the hotel, you organize it. Out on a boat. You know, they have, like, the little brochures.

Like, hey, this guy will take you out for this kind of fish. Right. So last time we went out, we called it Ono. It's called Ono. Yeah. Or Wahoo, it's called. So delicious, man. Wow.

And the chef prepared it three different ways he grilled it he baked it and he served it as sashimi oh oh and he no four different ways because he made a um ceviche too oh my god oh my god it was like two hours old jeez that i had ceviche like that uh costa rica we came back and a guy just like there with all the lime juice, dirt in a hose chopping up avocado heaven, best thing you've ever eaten in your life fish is one of those things where it tastes so much

better when it's fresh the opposite with meat meat actually tastes better when it sits for a while, that's why we buy dry aged meat yeah like sit in the yeah steakhouse i'm just on a shelf for six months and you're like 35 degrees they do it so it develops this sort of crust of bacteria on the outside 35 degrees if you've ever been to um like a butcher shop and seen dry aged meat it will queer you off of meat for a while. You'll be like, oh. When it turns green. I don't know about all this, man.

By the way, queer you is not homophobic at all. It's a perfectly reasonable word to use. It's in the dictionary. It's a perfectly reasonable way to use it. So it's a loophole. But it looks rotten and black. It looks like mold. Oh, really?

Yeah, because the mold grows on the outside of the meat and that's what's happening. It's like bacteria is destroying the outside of the meat and you cut that away. And what's underneath is just tender and relaxed and delicious. Sounds like my neck after. Yeah, maybe you need some of that meat mold on your neck.

Have you ever gone to Africa? No. I'm going in July. Why? Papa Bumbaye. Papa Bumbaye. I know a guy who knows a guy. Are you working?

No. It's a guy I worked for, though, who's very wealthy. And I did a show for them. And they're sending my I just had to fly myself there with my family and they're putting

there's these luxury resorts in these national reserves in Tanzania oh whoa for 10 days so you're gonna be surrounded by like

lions and shit yeah oh Tom Papa please don't die yes no there's a lot of guys with guns that'll stand around you

do you know about the woman who was the editor, film editor, video editor from Game of Thrones? No. She got pulled out of her car by a lion and killed. She did? Yes. What was she doing? She was taking photographs and she rolled down the window to take a better picture. And the lion grabbed her and pulled her out of the car and killed her in front of everybody.

There was nothing they could do about it. That's not going to happen to us because we're not going to have windows and we won't make eye contact they're open no cameras and i'm gonna be armed to the tits i'll be honest with you i don't i never had like a burning desire you know some places you want to get to like i wanted to be in italy or you know i had no nothing in my soul was like af. We must do Africa. But this opportunity came up and it seems pretty amazing. And I feel like the closer I get, the more amped I'm getting about it. But he was like, I'm telling you, this will change your life.

You'll just see this planet differently once you go to Africa. Africa. You would like Africa, I would think. I wouldn't like malaria. So I'll watch DVDs. Fuck you and fuck the Zika virus. I could see you in Africa. Kiss my ass.

You're adventurous. Yes, I would go. You would go. But I would definitely be worried about malaria. I'm worried about a lot of things, for sure. But I'm a big fan of wildlife. I'm fascinated by the wildlife there. Although the reality of these parks is almost artificial in a lot of ways. How they maintain everything.

And they're doing it for tourist money. Like there's almost. Somewhat. Yeah. There's almost an artificial quality to it. Because, you know, a lot of these places are fenced in. And so even though it's thousands and thousands of acres right this it's some it's not quite fucked up it's not quite

a zoo no no no no feeding not at all and they're still migrating and there's still all that stuff they're not feeding them no no no no so it's still live and wild but it's like going to yosemite you know it's like they get used to people man i hope so they do they get used to people and you're in these a lot of times you're in these open air jeeps right and we were talking about it on the podcast i was saying like how how come these fucking animals don't jump in there right and almost as if on cue after we said that a leopard jumped in a jeep an open air jeep like a week later and i was like yeah why isn't that fucking happening every day yeah but i'm i wonder what if animals like lions just start figuring that out the same way do you know there's been there was an article recently they were talking about chimps that

they believe chimps have just started to enter the stone age for the development of chimpanzee intelligence like they literally might be evolving before our eyes right and they started to use tools on a regular basis this they observe chimps yeah they're coming wow this might take a few million years but yeah if human beings have only been in this form they think for the last like 200 plus thousand years yeah essentially unrecognizable from uri like what the fuck what's a chimp gonna be like in a million years? Awesome. Might be, right?

They might be like some crazy Sasquatch type thing. Some almost half human, half monkey thing running through the woods. And we'll just be like jellyfish with cars that drive itself. Prime for the taking. So weak. They just rip our cars apart.

Just gelatinous. Just eyeballs in a mush. Our cars never crash, so we make them out of paper. The logic is, if everyone's driving a paper car, no one's going to get hurt. So knowing that there's that amount of shark attacks. I posted this the other day on Instagram. What is that? It's a chimp's testicle in relationship to the size of its brain.

Its testicle is literally about 70% to 80% of the size of its brain. Oh, my God. Is that a fair amount? Sure, yeah. 70? You think 70 is accurate? Something like that. That's made wrong.

Yeah, what? His balls, one ball is 70% the size of his brain. Two balls? Right. Two balls are almost a whole brain. That is weird right yeah poor guys it's so big well you know what the ball's in front of us this is a perspective trick yeah true because that guy's hands it's not one above the other it's one behind the other

and the other hand looks bigger and blacker it's a different guy it's a different guy these fucks yeah maybe if they got it right up next to it, it would only be like 40%. Either way, it's a giant ball. I'd be very proud of that testicle. Me too. If I had a testicle like that, I'd show everybody. So knowing that there's that many shark attacks, will you not go snorkel next time you go? I'll tell you what, I was thinking about going to Paris this year, and I'm not going to Paris.

You're not? Nah, I'm thinking about going to Paris this year, and I'm not going to Paris. You're not? Nah, I'm good. My parents made that call, too. Yeah, I think that's the right call for me. For now? You have some giant-ass fucking crazy terrorist attack like that. I haven't heard any. You have issues with immigrants and all the craziness that's going on there.

They might have let some bad people in their country. They let some great people that were trying to escape a terrible place, but they also might have let some bad people in their country. They let some great people that were trying to escape a terrible place, but they also might have let some bad people in too. And there's a lot of fucking anti-Jewish sentiment, although I'm not Jewish. I know. There's some video of these people walking through these Arab neighborhoods in Paris and the fucking rampant, brutal, like outright anti-Semitism yelling it at these people. Really? That's not America. No.

I think, you know, you're dealing with like, it's a very tricky place right now. I know. It's such a shame. It's really a- Beautiful. I know. Stunning. So important historically.

Any update on the war? They declared war on- ISIS? ISIS. How's it going? It's not even that, man. I mean, what happened over there? I don't even understand what happened.

It's when you have a group of people and the people that wound up performing that terrorist act wound up dying. Boy, try getting the truth out of all that. Try to figure out what their motives were. Like the San Bernardino people. Try figuring that out after the fact. Try figuring that out. I'm not going to San Bernardino either. Dropping your kids off that's not true you know that's how a hypocrite i am i won't go to paris but i'll go to san bernardino i bet you'd go to paris if someone gave you a sweet gig there

no no no no no i don't think so that's a brutal flight too man for a gig it is i i would way rather go there and just vegetate and not have any responsibilities yeah then go there for that's one thing that i've really enjoyed about uh traveling is that i've i've gotten a chance to see some really cool places like england and ireland but one of the things that's an issue is every time i've gone i've been working yeah you don't just don't have a chance to see that much i know know. I went to Italy for the first time and no gig at all. And I don't travel like that either, you know, normally. And what a difference.

Oh, yeah. What a difference. Yeah, man. I don't know how you are, but say if I fly to Chicago and I got a gig tomorrow night in Chicago, I'm going to get something to eat and I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to go over my notes. Right. I'm not going anywhere. Nope.

And I can't. No. People are like, don't you go sightseeing? They don't realize everything you do during that day takes away from the show. Yeah. There's just an energy, mental and physical energy that does not end up in the show. Unless it's something that's going to enhance the show, like going over your notes. That, sitting there, but not running around town, getting cabs, talking to waiters.

Sometimes a little bit of activity and sightseeing can amp you up, you know, but you have to have the time to do it and it can't be taking away from like, for me, exercise is mandatory. Yeah. Like if I go on the road, like one of the most important things for me is almost immediately I have to exercise. Really? Yeah. Because if I don't, then'm gonna be tired right i'll get there and i'm like oh fucking flying oh it's bullshit but what you got to do is say shut up pussy just put your fucking shorts on and let's do this what floor is the gym on thank you here we go get on the fucking machine

and just go just go or a routine whatever i'm doing whatever weight lifting routine i just fucking make sure i do it i don't want to do it but i act like i have a boss i should do that more if you do that man i'm telling you just write it down so that it's not an option to deny like unless you're sick or something like that and then you definitely shouldn't work out right but if you can do that just it's just it's 40 minutes that you would just be jerking off and reading email it's true right totally so that 40 minutes will go by and you jerking off and reading email. It's true. Right? Totally. So that 40 minutes will go by and you're like, fuck, I missed the window. Right. I've done that before too.

I've definitely done that before. And you're tired. Yes. But when I say no, I'm going to go down there and I'm going to do, you know, whatever, 45 minutes on the elliptical machine. Just go. Just do it. Listen to a podcast.

I'll put a podcast on. Just force myself. Yeah. I do a couple yoga stretches that's good that'll help that is there's a couple no there's a couple that are

but for me some strenuous exercise is really good for just resetting everything your whole nervous system do you ever do a yoga class when you go on the road

yeah I have yeah yeah I have for Yeah. Yeah. I have for a while when I was heavily, more heavily into it, I would, it was kind of cool. You come into town and find where it was and you know, it was a cool little like, okay, that's the project. I'm going to do that. Right. You know, that's a good move. That's a good move. Something that like you just have a, an outlet, yeah little thing that sort of connects you to what tom papa does right exactly and then uh and then it's just the work it's just taking your

notebook and taking your notes and going over last night going over the you know what i uh did for the first time uh this week i listened to myself i haven't i haven't recorded myself in a while really yeah it was probably i always record but don't really listen to it unless i know i have to there was something i want to pick out and uh i listened to myself on uh sunday after the weekend and uh that was rough you forget you're like oh yeah i should be doing this all the time it's so valuable it's so incredibly valuable visually is even better i know if you can watch a video of yourself then you go oh my god i look so gross what i gotta i gotta dress better i me too my posture sucks why don't i ever move my right arm why am i I like a robot? This is the thing I'm doing with my hand in my pocket.

Get it out of your pocket! Yeah, at the Irvine Improv, the guy, he did every set and just handed them to me on the way out. Oh, those are great. I was like, oh, okay. Ice House does that, too. I was like, oh, thanks. Yeah. Have you performed at the recent Irvine Improv, the new one?

Yeah. Woo! It's nice. Nice. Really nice. Big-ass place, too. Feels like a theater. Yeah.

Callan did his comedy special there. Oh, really? He recorded a special there. I was like, that's a good call. Yeah, that's a good call. That place is hot. Yeah, it looked great. The backstage was even great.

That was a good spot. That town, like Irvine, is a town where there's so many fucking people jammed into that area. It's shocking, isn't it? It is one of the most populated areas in Southern California. Like, where did you guys come from? Like, me and my wife were talking about this the other day, that there's such a big difference between driving up, like, where, like, Thousand Oaks is and driving down Orange County. Yeah.

Like, Thousand Oaks, things lighten up considerably. That's right. You know, it's like fucking horses and shit up there. But if you get down to, like, Laguna,'s right. You know, it's like fucking horses and shit up there. But if you get down to like Laguna, good luck. I know. Good luck getting there in time. It's intense. Do you ever do gigs in San Diego?

Yeah. That drive, you might as well just drive to the fucking ocean and see if your car can make it. See if your car can just drive on the edge of the water. I take the train a lot. You ever do that? No, I've never done that. It's great. But I was just thinking now, I wonder if you could drive on the edge of the water. I take the train a lot. You ever do that? No, I've never done that. It's great.

But I was just thinking now, I wonder if you could drive in the ocean. Would they arrest you? What do they do if you're actually in the ocean and you're driving your car? They'd let you go. What kind of car? Well, if you have one of those cars with a snorkel. That's what I'm thinking. If you got one of them Toyota Land Cruisers, they put a snorkel on them and they drive

through the river in the fucking Amazon. You would think. They'd let you go. The sharks might get you. But do they let you do that? How does that work? The Coast Guard can't fuck face. You can't just drive in the ocean.

Probably not. I thought about the same thing in a similar vein. Can you just go on horseback down Ventura? Could you just get a horse and go to the bank that way? That's a very good point. Could you? Just tie your horse up to the bike rack and walk inside and cash a check? Well, it's always weird if you go to Burbank and you see people riding their horses around Burbank.

Burbank is an equestrian neighborhood. Yeah. My daughter was taking lessons over there for a little bit. Okay, here, look at this guy. Perth, Australia. Oh, that guy just drove right in. It's like I'm just driving in. That's just stupid.

You can't do that. Is this guy trying to watch men drive car into the ocean? Into the ocean. To get away from the cops, I think. Oh, he's trying to get away from the cops. Okay, well, that's different. And so now he's driving off and the cops try to get him. So they drove right into the ocean.

This guy's an idiot. See, the car doesn't, it doesn't fin once the hood is underwater, you dipshit. Good for him. That's what the snorkel's for. Go for it. Look at the cops behind him. Well, he's gonna hop out of the car and just swim. Yeah, he's out now. But the thing is, if you have a car with a snorkel

and he doesn't have a car with a snorkel, you can drive pretty far and they can't get you. Like, you could stay out. But he could just drive next to you on the beach. Right. And go, hey, asshole. Eventually, you've got to come to the land.

Look at this crazy clusterfuck of cops and the car. Is this in Australia or something? Of course. How did I know it was Australia? Did you say it? No, I think it said Perth at the beginning. Oh, okay, that's it. Because otherwise, I'm like, there's no way I just guessed.

But why not just get a horse? Yeah horse and go run your errands that way? How about an eagle? How about teach an eagle to fly around? Imagine if somebody just developed an eagle. Like, look. Grab onto his talons. Have you ever seen a pit bull that's like 190 pounds? Yeah.

They're not supposed to be that big. Right. Somebody made that. They bred those pit bulls until it became this ridiculous thing. The average size for a pit bull, like those fighting dogs, they're like 35 pounds. A big one's like 50. Really? Yeah, they're not big.

So these monsters are like the chickens with giant breasts. Sort of, yeah. Which also comes from selective breeding, apparently. I thought the chickens with giant breasts were steroids, but this chicken farmer explained to me, he goes, no. He goes, you know how expensive it would be if they really pumped? We have this idea, oh, they're putting all the hormones. Not really. No?

No. No. I mean, they would if they had to fix something. That's too pricey. But most of it is, yeah, most of it is they genetically engineer them. They selectively breed them. So they selectively breed them to the point where they can barely even walk. Right.

Those poor things. Yeah, they can't even stay on their legs. So at least how this guy has explained it to me, it's mostly just selective breeding. Interesting. But why can't they do that with an eagle? Get a big-ass eagle. Yeah. Big-ass fucking eagle.

If you can teach an eagle to hunt for wolves for you, have you ever seen them do that? No. Yeah, the Mongolians. Oh, really? They let an eagle loose, and the for you, have you ever seen them do that? No. Yeah, the Mongolians. Oh, really? They let an eagle loose, and the eagle will fucking fly down and jack a wolf. A wolf? A wolf. Those are big.

They're not big enough. That's how gangster eagles are. I'm reading that book, The Hawk. What's that? This girl just loved, it's her autobiography, basically. And just loved, it's her autobiography, basically. She's just a writer out of Oxford, and she is learning how to train a goshawk. Oh.

And falcons and all that kind of stuff with the hoods, and very intricate about that whole practice. It's pretty intense. That's very intense. Yeah. Getting it to trust you and sit there in its hood. You have to be with it all the time. All the time. Yeah. In the beginning, for days, just sitting with it all the time. All the time. Yeah.

Like in the beginning, like for days. Just sitting with it on your arm. You can't go on vacations. No. Yeah, you can't just take a month off. I'm just going to hang out with it. That fucking hawk will eat your face. This little hood. But why couldn't someone engineer an eagle that was your buddy that flies you around?

Like an eagle. How does he fly you around? On his back? Look at this. Wolf jacking. This is a wolf jacking an eagle that was your buddy that flies you around. How does he fly you around? On his back? Look at this. Wolf jacking. This is a wolf jacking an eagle. And then the eagle comes down and jacks the wolf. Oh, shit.

Look, they're both jacking him. Oh, it's two. This is insane. So the wolf was kicking the eagle's ass, and his homie came in and backed him up. See, you shouldn't worry about the monkeys, because these guys are doing this now. See, the thing is, man, these eagles are so goddamn tough and their claws are so fucking terrifying they essentially have knives yeah they're growing out of their feet they're fucking dinosaurs man this is this is a dinosaur that made it right and it makes me wonder what

dinosaurs actually looked like like we always always assume that all dinosaurs were covered with scales like a crocodile. I'm sure a lot of them were. Look at this. See, they're duking it out. The eagle lands on them, starts jacking them, and he's got them. He's got them by the neck. Oh my god. It's insane. He's killing a giant wolf.

He's just got full mount on the wolf, and he's clawing them to death. He's just keeping them at a distance. Yeah. And the eagle's fucked. He's got got full mount on the wolf, and he's clawing him to death. He's just keeping him at a distance. Yeah. And the eagle's fucked. He's got his neck. This is insane.

It's insane that they can do this. That is nuts. That's a big-ass eagle. That's a golden eagle. And that's a small wolf, by the way. Those are not as big as the- He looks like a mid-dog. This is crazy, though, man. Oh, now what's he feeding him?

He's giving him a reward? He's giving him some meat oh yeah oh he's holding the glove with meat above the carcass gets him back on his arm yeah and the hood goes on yeah wow geez what a wonderful but terrifying animal it's a cool hobby you know it's not like bread making, but... Where's his starter? They showed these, they had these ancient hominid bones they found, and they were trying to figure out why they had these claw marks on them. And they were trying to figure out what animal had done it. And then they recognized very similar patterns of scrapes to what they find on small primates that are near harpy eagles and they realized that early humans were most likely eaten by eagles really yeah a bigger eagle

like a pterodactyl size eagle gang of different kinds of birds and large predatory birds yeah in fact north america like i believe before like i don't want to say how long ago, but I don't think it was too long ago. Like, not even a million years. They had a thing called a terror bird. And a terror bird was like a giant seven foot tall predatory bird that didn't fly. It was like a standing bird with a giant beak, like a huge predatory Carl Malone-sized bird. That's crazy. How about that?

Let's make that movie. How about a Magic Johnson-sized bird with a giant fucking hatchet for a face? They're not even flying. I don't have to. Yeah, you should see that they do a superimposed image of the size of a normal human, like a six-foot-tall human next to a terror bird, like what they looked like. I love terror bird.

That's such a great name. And isn't it terrifying? Yeah. And this is North America. This is right here. Jeez. Yeah. So there was, I mean, the entire fossil record,

even just of mammals, is not complete. They're always finding new things because in order to create a fossil, it's very difficult like Something has to happen you have to get caught in a mudslide right? See the Jamie see we could find a terror bird picture. Yeah, I'd love to see this thing look at that fucking thing That's a soldier that gets eat That one on the left that looks like where the wild things are yeah, it doesn't it yeah That doesn't even look like it's a real thing.

Look at the size of that fucking thing. Its eggs must be huge. Oh my God, like a head. Yeah. Bigger. Bigger. Look at the size of that fucker. Isn't there a movie where people ride in those?

Maybe. Maybe. But it's interesting that one of them has fairly large wings, the one on the right, but the one on the left has like these nubs. Yeah. Those are all different terror birds. Oh, fucking Christ. Oh, my God.

Look at that thing, the one in the forefront, the evil red-looking beak, and the one in the background. That one's like almost flamingo ostrich monster. Could you imagine if you were just walking along and you saw something popping its head out of the trees, looking at you funny, and it's that size, and you go, oh, my God, it's over. It's over. My cat's been on a bird-killing spree.

Good for her. Or him. Brings in a couple a week. Really? It's really out of hand. Well, you better be careful if you let your cat out, because your cat could get jacked by coyotes. I know. It's his life.

Wow. That's brutal. Claws or no claws? Claws. Yeah. It's got claws. You let him out there? He's an outdoor.

He's a nut. You can't keep him inside. Has he always been an outdoor cat? Yeah. Does he come inside at all? Yeah. Comes in, sleeps, cuddles. Does he piss in your house at all?

No. They do if you don't get them fixed quick enough. I have an indoor cat. Yeah. I have an indoor cat. Yeah, I have an indoor and an outdoor. Mine are both indoor. Right. I live in a place where a lot of coyotes are. Yeah.

One of my chickens got jacked by a coyote. Really? Yeah, watch it happen. Really? Watch the coyote hop the fence with my chicken in his mouth. Ooh. Yeah. We had a separate.

Chickens get broody, which means they get confused since they're not getting fucked by roosters. Sometimes they think that they have an egg that they have to hatch, that they have to, you know, what's it called? What's it called? They nurture an egg to. Sit on it? Yeah. That's a technical term. Something a gate.

What's the word? Gestate. No no that's not it lay on top of what's it called like when you take an egg and you put it in one of those warming things you like that lamp goes people at home are listening to this screaming

you fucking pothead you can't even remember incubate incubate thank you i knew it was a bait yeah i was trying to avoid the band incubus it's like so i don't care um but anyway um it was it was thinking it was it was thinking that so we have to take them out and she had to get outside of the regular chicken coop, which is this large coop, and you have to put her in one where she has to sit on a beam. Gotcha. Like, it's very small, and for the amount of time they're broody, that's how much time you have to put them in there.

Otherwise, they could be broody for like a month. They'll pull their feathers out. Oh, jeez. Yeah, they can cause some health issues. They pluck all the feathers out of their chest to feather their nest for an egg that's not going to hatch. They get a little wacky. Yeah, it's weird. Well, their brains are a fucking thumbnail.

Right. So this coyote just figured out a way to get into that little cage and just jacked the chicken and jumped over the fence with it. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely a risk. And a couple neighbors or one neighbor lost a cat, you know, like 10 years ago to it. It's like the beginning of coyote. There's not a lot going on, but enough where if the cat's not smart, it could happen. But the cat is so happy and that's just the way he lives. And it's like, you know, everyone would be sad, but it's his life.

Yeah, it's probably not the worst way to go either. Yeah. Quick rather than getting diabetes. Cats get diabetes? Yeah, I had a diabetic cat. Whoa, did you have to give it insulin? Yeah. Whoa, every day?

Uh-huh. Whoa. Twice a day. That cat was probably pissed at you. Didn't. I had no idea. Why are you shooting me with this fucking needle, bitch? I want pets!

Putting a pill on a stick and you get a fire in its throat. That's how you do it? That's one of the things. That and the insulin. Oh, God. He probably ran from you all the time. And a little scruff of its neck. Did he run from you all the time?

No. He was pretty mellow. He probably extended his life for another four years. Oh. And then it just all ended up failing. Yeah. But, you know, it was like, you know, it was my wife's cat. I would have probably would not have given it shots for that long.

Hatchet? What was the method? Just open the door and make coyote calls. Yeah, it was a nice cat. But, yeah, I never knew there was this thing as a diabetic cat. Yeah. Yeah, we extended his life for a while. And then, you know, other things start to fail. Did you try feeding him a vegan diet?

No. It's supposed to cure diabetes. Oh, yeah? No. Making things up. But people do have their cats and they feed them vegan food. Really? Yeah.

Cats die. Young. Sad. So irony. In their attempt to not be cruel to animals they're cruel to their animals

they starve their animals yeah they're feeding it fucking plums and celery and shit I just saw this 30 year old dog

yesterday on the internet have you ever heard of something like that whoa that's crazy what kind of dog is it it's an Australian they can't prove

how old it really is but there's some video of it I mean it looks like it's fucking 30 it's 30 in dog years? No, it's 30 in human years, 200 in dog years. That's all I like.

What is that? It's six years old. Oh, wow. That's crazy. 30. The owners must be like, all right, dude. See, here, there's no proof. As long as there's no proof and we're reading about this, we have no fucking idea.

No. How old that dog is. This is a bullshit story. Like, that's the problem with goddamn stories. All you have to do is you get paid per ad clicks. Yeah, exactly. Just put a picture up and that's it. Hmm.

See, like that. Three men who admit to raping a girl, 17, won't be jailed. That's a lie, too. Must read. And this guy's got his abs out there taking a photo. What are you trying to do? You're trying to get me to click it. Just get me to click so that.

It might not even be about that. No. It'll be an ad associated with it and then someone will get paid. Tom Papa, we have run out of time here. Really? That goes so quick. I know. That was three hours of fun, my friend.

That's crazy. That was great, though. That really is crazy. I really enjoyed talking to you, man. Thank you. You know, I've been here once before and I've been itching to get back. It's such a good hang. I think this is better than our first one.

Yeah? I really do. I do. Next back. It's such a good hang. I think this is better than our first one. Yeah? I really do. I do. Next time. We learned a lot about starters. I learned a lot about yeast and muscle tissue. Now you gotta get me a pot card. Get me a pot card. We'll do that. We'll do that when we get off the air. I'll show you how to do it. Alright. Alright, ladies and gentlemen.

That's it for the week. You heard me, you fucks. The week. Next week, I've got four of them, so straddle up. Got a lot of lovin'. Starting with Cameron Haynes on Monday. Wow. My friend Doug Duren is coming next week. I got, uh...

What? Nosferatu. Oh, Boss Rudin and Mauro Ranallo are gonna be here, and Robin Black. It's going to be a hell of a week, you fucks! Wow!