The Joe Rogan Experience - #769 - Bert Kreischer

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Bert Kreischer is a stand-up comedian, actor and reality television host. Check out his book “Life of the Party” on Amazon and his podcast “The Bertcast” on Spotify.

Hello! you woke up and this happened, but do you really remember last night? Yeah. Except I didn't eat last night. Yeah. I doubt you remember the last few hours. I did. I have this problem lately where I- Wait, how fucked up was he? He was getting liquored up when I saw him. You were getting liquored up at like eight, weren't you?

No, I didn't start drinking until after I got off stage and stuff. But I did a thing where I woke up and I tell people like, oh yeah, I'll do your podcast, but I don't write it down. And then I was in bed and somebody's like, hey, I'll see you at the Laugh Factor in 40 minutes. And I'm like, whoa, you got to remind me or something. That's the, by the way, that exact same thing happened when you did my podcast. Oh yeah?

Yeah. You're just irresponsible. Brian, let's not, let's not write it off to one night. Why don't you use the calendar feature in your phone? I do, but I only do it for shows. It seems like, but like little things like podcasts and stuff, I never really... That's not a little thing. That's a show. Brian, that's how you make your living.

Well, I always think that people would remind me not 40 minutes before, but like, hey, I'll see you tomorrow. And I'm like, oh yeah, that. Okay, cool. But then after that, I had another one that I completely forgot about. And then I had to go to the comedy show last night. I think Bert is making an excellent point.

You shouldn't write it off to other people. Maybe, just maybe, you should keep a calendar. Oh, that's totally me. I don't think of podcasts as a little thing at all. If I'm going to do somebody's podcast, that's a big deal. No, no, but when you're at a comedy club stoned and somebody goes, hey, you should do my podcast next Monday. Oh, yeah, I've done that.

That's a different animal. You've got to ask people in an email or a text. Asking someone in person, unless you're both sober. And another problem I have is when people give me their numbers, I don't save it in my phone. And so when they text me a month later, I'm like, oh, fuck, who is this

guy that's texting me? I do this to everyone. I always write Bert at the end of my text. Because I'm like, I don't know if you know I do this to everyone everyone I always write Bert at the end of my text because I'm like I don't know if they got a new phone because I just want them to know hey this is Bert I always wondered why you did that because I don't because I don't I do that all the time to you. Thoughtfully yours, Bert. Yeah, it's a little odd. But there's, you know, sometimes people do weird things.

Like, do you ever get an email from someone and they have like a tagline in their email? Sent from my silly iPhone. Excuse the voice dialing things. Hey, Jesus Christ. We really need to do this. Hashtag. Like if you have your own hashtag. The guy,

Dominic Monaghan, really nice guy. Yeah. He's on Travel Channel. Like him a lot. But, every Instagram post he makes, he puts hashtag be curious.

Hey, how about if I don't want to be curious? Is that can i just fucking veg out over here no no no offense dom but the curiosity is what got me to your instagram page yeah i hate dom sometimes i like to put my feet up and have a beer and not think about shit i'm not always interested in being curious Hashtag be sad. He's got some weird Travel Channel show about like he's traveling all over the world and seeing all

these weird animals. He's got a genuine passion for it. Wild Things with Dom. It's on Travel Channel. Yeah, he loves insects, man. We had some deep

conversations about ants. Really? Yeah, dude's seriously into ants. Well, I am too, in a way. You know, not like him. I don't know as much,

but I've watched quite a few documentaries on it, and it's like when I watch them, I'm like, this is amazing. They just know how to go places. They're all like in the same row, and we're trying to figure out how they do it. It's by pheromones and shit, and then you see these super complex civilizations

that they build underground, especially those leafcutter ants. Have you seen that shit? Dude, leafcutter ants are so sophisticated that they've engineered some sort of ventilation system so they could bring leaves down into their crazy house and they'll ferment. These leaves will ferment in these bowls that they've dug into the ground.

And there's a pipe above it that's like an air pipe that they've tunneled up through the surface just to allow the gases to escape. No explanation whatsoever how they all know how to do this. No explanation how they ever figured it out. I mean, it's super complicated. They've been programmed that way. Yeah, I mean, something's going on, man. Have you ever seen when they pour cement into these things?

Oh, yes, I have. I have seen this. Dude. Can you pull that up? They pour cement on it, and then they pull it out, and it looks like an art project. Yeah, well, it's this giant labyrinth of tunnels. There it is, yeah.

Look at that. God damn. damn wow that's so cool i mean how are they all communicating together to figure this out this is that's not one is it what is that that's a wasp master so what is that whoa an ant queen um go to that the leaf cutter ant there's a video of it i think you uh find it and they showed how they did it how they poured the water in or the concrete in rather which is kind of rude i think about it how many ants that's an ant genocide we're just saying oh amazing hashtag be curious yeah sadly sadly dom's dialed in to us because we're talking about ants. See what they do in here? Oh, yeah. They're pouring it into this hole.

I mean, this is like metal. That looks like they're pouring molten metal. Is that metal? Yes. It says it's aluminum, I'm pretty sure. How rude. I know. That's killing all the ants.

These ants are like, what the fuck? Dude, what the fuck? My family's in there. My fucking kids. Dude, what the fuck? Look at the ants just like freaking out around the edge So they pour this molten aluminum in and fill the whole thing and then this serial killer asshole With a spatula he's got a little spatula

digging this out Is that a gal or a dude it's's hard to tell. Might be a man bun. But whoever it is, this gentleman or woman is going to go in there and dig the whole thing out now. And it's a piece of art. Wow, that's actually a pretty dope piece of art. Finished casting, 21 inches wide, 14.5 inches high, and it weighs three pounds. Wow. Ant Caster.

Harvester Ant Casting brought to you by, so it's an oh antcaster.com so it's a company that murders ants for you that's crazy nobody gives a fuck if you kill ants it is one of the weirdest things dude you could you could kill an ant on your pants and brush it to the ground in any respectable office and nobody freaks out. Yeah. Yeah. No one says a word. You kill a bee these days, people get pissed. They get pissed.

And they should. Yeah. We don't have many bees, you know, running out on bees. And we want to keep our cell phones. And we want to keep pesticides. Wait, how do bees and cell phones and pesticides connect? Well, I'm not a bee expert. I should just say that off the bat.

But what I've read is that they're pretty sure that bees are affected by cell phone signals in some sort of a negative way. And it interferes with their ability to communicate with each other. Shut up. Or there's another possible thought is that they might be hearing the sound of the cell phone signal all the time. And it's just driving them nuts it's just interfering or it's intruding in their life the cell phone serve like the frequencies are making bees autistic so they can't talk to each other that's why autism are up is up also big autism epidemic in the bees when we were on fear factor we did we had this stunt we were

up in um i thought you're gonna say you did it with autistic people. Yeah, we took these autistic fuckers and lied to them. They had this stunt where they were covering people in bees. And so we were on this ranch. And they had these people. And they would stand there, like, leaning up against a pole. And this guy would come over with bees and just coat them with bees, like, scoop it on them. And they had to stand with the bees on them for a certain amount of time. I don't remember how. Maybe they had to stand with the bees on them for a certain amount of time. I don't remember how.

Maybe they had to like unlock locks or something stupid. But while this was going on, this local colony of bees showed up. So it was like a bee gang meeting. Like they had to have a meeting. And we had to leave. Like the guy who's the bee guy goes, okay, here's the situation. There is a local colony that just came to investigate why my colony's here we have to let them work this out and i was like what like what are you talking about

and so we we had to all leave the set so we all left the set and we went over like by these trailers that they had set up and we kind of watched these bees just fly around each other shut up yeah and they had to around each other. Shut up. Yeah, and they had to figure each other out. They had to figure out, like, what are you guys doing here? Oh, we're filming a show. Oh, why don't we watch it? And then they had to talk.

Like, they had to have a meeting. Like, we're not moving in. We don't live here. We live, like, down there in that thing. I mean, obviously, they didn't use English. But somehow or another, they communicated whatever they needed to. And, like, 20 minutes later or so, we were allowed to go back to work. Were there dead bees on the ground when you got over there no i don't think so it's hard to find them i mean if there were i found a dead bee on the ground no but i mean like if there were

like you'd there'd be more than one you'd imagine like maybe like 30 dead bees on the ground like 300 for the dead bees like a movie 300 just fucking xerxes victims everywhere. Have you ever driven through a big flock of, not flock of bees, a swarm of bees? No. Driven through them, like smack, smack, smack all over the windshield? Over by NBC in Burbank, you know that like right off

Alameda, that back road? I was driving through one time, I had my windows down and all of a sudden, maybe a thousand bees just flying around and all in the car and I was driving through one time. I had my windows down and all of a sudden thought maybe a thousand bees just flying around and all in the car. And I was like, mother. Wow. Literally.

I just kept driving. I just sped up and I was like, and they came in and out of the car pretty quickly, but it was, I drove right through them. And that same thing happened in front of our house. In front of our house, there's a dead, uh, like elm tree or something or a walnut tree. It was a walnut grove and it's all hollowed out and there were like a thousand bees living inside that and my daughter's terrified of bees

and our neighbor just went in and put like a towel in the top and just locked him in and had him die. What a mean fucker he is. He's a dick. Jesus Christ. Did you ever see the, there was a guy, I think it was Long Island, that

found this mega colony in his attic. He went up in his attic, and it was either ants or it was either bees or wasps. I don't know what I don't remember which one it was, but what I remember is, this fucking guy was up in his attic and was like

holy shit. We're talking about something as big as this table. It was an enormous, enormous bee colony in his attic. They just had found a way through. They said, fuck, it's warm in here. Let's keep, and he just never went up there. And so they just kept building this

goddamn thing until it was this huge shelter. They've got See, there's a video of it, Jamie, if you can find it. They got Africanized bees in Bisbee, oddly enough. I saw that online one time. Literally, those are the killer bees.

Those are the bad ones. I think it was a TV show, now that I say it. That sounds like I fucking read something. I think it was a reality show about a guy who would just get rid of Africanized bees. Those are the scary ones. Yeah, remember when you were a who would just get rid of Africanized bees. Those are the scary ones. Yeah. Remember when you were a kid and everyone was scared of African killer bees?

Quicksand? Killer bees? What happened to quicksand? We've talked about this, I think, before. Where did quicksand go? It turned into porn. Quicksand, bees. I mean, I thought there was a bunch of shit that was going to get me.

Yeah. The Russians? The Russians. Tell me about it. Remember when you were a kid? Fuck yeah. Dude, bomb was gonna happen he's fucking kids today they don't know he's fucking kids today let me tell you something last night joey diaz is on stage at the haha i'm not gonna do his bit at all i don't even know if it's a bit or it's him talking because quite honestly i watched him smoke maybe 10 cupfuls of hash on vine before he came there

but he was doing this bit i'm in the back just kind of watching him and he's doing this bit about watching two dogs fuck oh yeah don't don't i'm not gonna do it yeah but what was happening was there were these two i'm gonna say gay hipsters they have man buns and they were just looking at each other they're like shaking their head going that's not true and i was like oh man like our kids are so far removed from like the stray dogs fucking in your front yard that these guys think that dogs, you just adopt them and that like, that they're almost genetically made in laboratories that they don't just fuck on the streets like that.

It was so interesting to watch these two kids just go like, well, that's sort of part of the premise of Joey's bit that, you know know you don't see that anymore yeah no but it was watching these kids just look at each other and just shake their head and i was like who the like i remember watching i remember seeing that when i was a kid yeah joey's bit is so funny dude he was hilarious last night tuesday night at the store too he was on fire tuesday night at the store too. He was on fire. Tuesday night at the store, he was on fire. And he just gets on stage like, bye. I thought we were going to hang out. No, fuck that cocksucker. I gotta go.

I'll see you. I'll come over to your house for Girl Scout cookies. I gotta go. It's pretty funny and crazy what happened to Lee being like, out of everyone that we know, all the comedians, Lee, his assistant on his podcast, is banned from that hotel.

The Silver Point? South Point. Banned for life. What hotel? South Point. He was given out allegedly. He gave a star to somebody. Should we tell his story? I don't know. We don't know. Allegedly, he gave a star.

Yeah. Probably shouldn't tell his story, he gave a star. Yeah. Probably shouldn't tell his story. He gave a star. I don't know if this was a story. I'm sure it's on his podcast. I don't know. Let me tell you something. Joey gave out the guy who makes our t-shirts. He gave out his phone number online.

And he called me. He goes, if you ever do business with that cocksucker again, I'll fucking kill you. I was like, Joey, I already have a shirt order and he's like cancel it cancel it smear him well I think I had to go through new people to get my shirts really fuck yeah you think you want to fuck with Joey what was it about nothing fucking nothing sometimes like I mean I don't know what it was like but Joey wouldn't tell me he's like dude fuck him it had to be something. I would assume. Oh, yeah.

Joey's been on a tear lately, hasn't he? Motherfucker. Joey doesn't give a fuck. If he thinks you're a piece of shit, he wants the world to know. What are these? This is the new shirt. It's from the time I fought the bear. Can you see it?

No. It says marshmallow. What is it? I don't get it. It's a bear. See a bear face? I don't see it. Yeah. And it says marshmallow in it? Oh, now I get it? No. It says marshmallow. What is it? I don't get it. It's a bear. See a bear face? Yeah. And it says marshmallow in it?

Oh, now I get it. Yeah. Oh, okay. So I fought a bear. I've told you this story before. If I got one for all you guys and there's an extra one left over, I shouldn't put them right in front of us. That's going to be distracting.

So this guy's a new guy that made your shirts. Yeah. You couldn't do it with the guy that Joey hates. Joey's loyal, man. That is the one thing about that guy. He's definitely shirts. Yeah. You couldn't do it with the guy that Joey hates. Joey's loyal, man. That is the one thing about that guy. He's definitely that. Joey's very passionate.

I don't know what happened, but he's great if you're great to him. He's great if you're great to him, but if you fuck him over, if you act like a cunt, he comes down. He comes down hard. He'll call you on it first. Has he ever called you on something you did?

Like just been? Joey and I have been remarkably friendly forever. Remarkably. Like even if we got upset at each other for anything, it was very, very minor. Yeah, and it's usually because he hasn't had food yet. Like if he's gotten upset at anything, the maddest he ever got at me was when I couldn't figure out where we should eat in Austin. We had landed. We had landed, and then we were driving.

And like, where do you guys want to go? Fucking find somewhere. Find somewhere. You got that fucking phone in your pocket? Take the fucking phone out of your pocket and find somewhere. Jesus Christ, you're broken. Call somebody. And find somewhere Jesus Christ you're broken call somebody

And he was in he was like the worst He wasn't the worst health out of all the time that I've known him He was real big then like real heavy and he you know just when you get like that I don't know what it is that that blood sugar spike thing where you just fucking need to eat right now You're you're freaking out. He right now. You're freaking out. He gets there. You know, he gets that spot. Oh, he got on me one time because he called me and I didn't answer. And then he called again and I didn't answer.

And he called a third time and I still didn't answer. And then he started calling aggressively. And I was like, oh, something's wrong. So I pick up the phone and he goes no no we're fucking friends if I call that means I need to talk to you you pick up your fucking phone but we're not fucking friends do you understand that

I'm having like flashbacks when you talk like that I was like but I just no not I just I call you see my name you fucking call me back how about how crazy he is with the fucking voicemails in the text? Oh, shit. You can't leave a voicemail, you can't leave a text.

You call me. You call me. I go, well, come on, Joey. I go, why do you want everybody else to follow these rules? These rules don't make sense. If it's so easy to just text you a message, say, hey, brother, show tonight is at 10. Why isn't that okay? Why isn't that okay?

You know, because I'm insecure. I want to talk to you. I want to look you in the eyes like a man. You're going to fucking tell me something, and the next best thing is talking to you on the phone. It's hard to argue with that. No more voicemail app is an app that kills voicemail, so callers have to text you instead.

I'm pretty sure you could just turn off voicemail. You just let it fill up. You just let it fucking app. I just let that bitch fill up. Let me tell you something. I never check those things. Joey's been to every Easter at my house, every Christmas Eve, every Christmas dinner for the past, ever since I've known him.

Because that, and that, it's interesting because it's helped blossom a part of my personality because I'm really fucking, I got intimacy issues. Like, I like to be friends with people, but my phone calls are usually pretty short. I don't want to bother people. I'm just afraid of my personality because I'm really fucking, I got intimacy issues. Like, I don't, like, I like to be friends with people, but my phone calls are usually pretty short. I don't want to bother people. I'm just afraid people will bother people.

Well, that's just being considerate. But Joey's one of those guys, like, the first, I think the first Easter we invited him to, him and my dad got along really well. He gave my dad marijuana. I was there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He sipped a medical marijuana. Did he dose him or did he tell him what he was doing just offered him offered him some popcorn you know Joey

is this popcorn Mr. K take some of this and it's fucking edible marijuana my dad eats some oh my god and my dad's like and I go dad

that's edible marijuana and he goes no buddy it's popcorn how old's your dad 67 right now probably and what was he doing back when pot was kicking? Back in the dizzay.

He tried it a couple times, but he wasn't, like, he was a runner, so he didn't do it. And then Joey just starts laughing. Mr. K's going deep, motherfuckers. Jesus. And so I go over, I go, Joey, did you just give him marijuana? He goes, he took it. No, I didn't give it to him. He took it.

So I fucking... What kind of a fucking person expects some 69-year-old guy to know what the fuck pot popcorn is? Most 20-year-old kids all across the country don't know what pot popcorn is. Joe, there's a picture I have of my dad. I'm not even lying. With his hand into his mouth like this. And Joey with that big Joey. Ha, ha, ha, ha! Like fucking... Howling and laughing. lying with his hand into his mouth like this and joey with that big joey like fucking and then laughing and and i and then immediately i was like my dad's like well what do i do and i was like

and joey's like you're going with him dog just hand me some and so i ate some my wife's losing her fucking mind now everyone's on edibles on easter morning in fucking all the kids are easter egg hunting. I go into the man cave. I lock the doors. Joey's like, we're podcasting, cocksuckers. Turns on my podcasting equipment. And we do probably my most epic podcast ever.

Wow. Of just Joey just, oh. But he's like, but I'll tell you what. Your dad had fun though, right? My dad had a blast. You want to know the really best part? That night, we all leave. Everyone leaves.

That night, me and my dad sat in my, went to my sister's house, sat outside, had a cigar. And my dad has always had a problem with my lifestyle. And we're both higher than giraffe pussy. And he's like, buddy, I want to tell you why I bother you about your lifestyle. My father reminded me so much of you. My father died when he was 42 from blood pressure issues. And I, and I've, and I've never been the one to hound you,

but you need to go to it. I want you to go to a cardiologist, get a CT scan. I want you to get the full comprehensive thing right now. And I was like, and he goes, I said, if I did that,

would that make you feel comfortable? And he goes, uh, that would change my life. And I was like, why did we have to be high to have this conversation? And I, so the fucking next month I went in,

I got a full fucking comprehensive overview. Totally fine. High blood pressure, but totally fine. My dad's like, my, my, I'm not even fucking around when I say this.

My dad loves Joey Diaz because of that moment. Because he got, he got my dad a very uptight guy to a place where he could kind of connect with me and talk to me for the first time like that and go, you know, you're drinking. I don't know if you do drugs on the road. I don't know what you do.

And we just had a great conversation and every fucking family event we ever had that my dad's at, my dad's like, did you call Joey? Just fucking loves, he loves his daughter. Yeah, like my dad loves Joey. Really, literally. Everybody who knows Joey loves Joey. Once you get to know him.

Oh, my kids fucking love him. Yeah. Oh, he calls Isla Elablo it's when he goes off man you just gotta back away like that john caparulo thing oh my god hey caparulo was asking me to get involved like you're on your own dude you're on your own here i don't know what happened i was outside of that i wasn't at the store where all this shit was going down i don't know what caparulo did that pissed joey off so much but joey's insistent you know yeah i didn't want to hear it i'm like watching it on twitter just watching it on twitter was insane every three seconds like if it was you if it was you and him i would have to get involved i'd have to go okay

what happened what the fuck is going on but with cap I don't know cap a rule that well. I just know I'm like hey, what's up, man? You're on your own Sorry, dude, I don't know what to tell you one guy's my brother and the other guy bear I barely know you I mean I know you like hi, but like we never hang out I don't I don't know what's going on. I know what you did, but Joey When he gets this thought in his head that you're the enemy you know he he fucking he doesn't let it go like if he saw tommy today like tommy from the old comedy store he would spit in his face like he would get

fucking crazy yeah he he's just he's the real deal like what you see is what you get there's no act there's no and that's when joey really became joey on stage because joey was always the funniest guy in the parking lot and then he would go on stage and i don't know what it is man he just couldn't figure out you know those tense moments like i was watching someone last night that was just starting doing comedy and she was doing a set and And I could tell, like, she's got potential, but she just can't get comfortable up there. She can't be herself. You know, there's, like, this something, these thoughts, this, like, compression that's holding you back. Joey had that.

And then one day, he didn't have it anymore. I mean, it was crazy. And we had been friends for, like, a couple of years. And he just wasn't doing well. Like is he wasn't doing well on stage and then all of a sudden he was murdering like I've never seen anything like it before it was like a switch flipped and there's a different person out there and he was the same guy from the parking lot doesn't matter who the fuck's in the crowd it didn't matter matter He would say shit you like how the fuck did you just say a racist shit? And it was just the most ridiculous shit and really fucking funny all of a sudden. I got a new one. He was he was

Inspirational last night like I watched him in the back. I know Joey. I know Joey really well. I mean, but man, I watched him and I was like, that's the same voice you're doing. The same voice you call me on the phone with is on stage. And I didn't feel like anything was a bit. I felt like it was really morphed into him. It's just Uncle Joey talking to you cocksuckers. Well, he's real dedicated right

now. He's out there huffing it every night. He's putting in a lot of sets. Oh, dude, he calls me up. He goes, dude, haha, any fucking Wednesday night. It's fucking five minutes from your house, cocksucker. I'll pick you up. I go there. I went there last night. That's amazing.

I had a great time, man. It's fun. And the owners are so fucking cool. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack Jr.'s son runs the Wednesday night workout. Yeah.

And it's just, it was, I mean, I'm'm telling you man i i've told you this we've had this conversation a lot but i'll say it out loud i'm i'm when you get back into stand-up oh it's like it's like working out when you you ever i don't know i'm i'm not i'm saying this only to joe now right now you ever work out so much where when you sit down you can feel your abs tighten up you're like i feel good man i'm in good shape right now like that's what when you're doing stand-up like that like all the fucking time yeah your act gets nice and tight man. I'm in good shape right now. That's what when you're doing stand-up like that, like all the fucking time. Yeah. Your act gets nice and tight.

Yeah. And I'm in fucking hardcore fucking stand-up mode. Nice. I love it, man. I love it so much. Well, we were talking about this, that you do that show so much that maybe it's reached the point where the show is kind of getting in the way.

I didn't realize it. You had said that to me at one point. You'd said a couple things to me that were a little heavy that i could that i couldn't wrap my head around and i think that's me man no i think it's because i wasn't doing stand-up i didn't understand what i was trying to do but you get in a production mode well what did i say that was heavy one thing you the two things you said is you need to stop doing that show you need to get back on stage you're too good of a comic to fucking not be doing stand-up like all the time and then the other thing you said is you need to stop doing that show. You need to get back on stage. You're too good of a comic to fucking not be doing stand-up all the time. And then the other thing you said was you got to be looking at this show you're doing and you need to be writing about this on stage.

The problem is I couldn't write about what I was doing. I didn't know how to write about these activities because I wasn't in stand-up mode. I was in production mode. Right. Like what time is our call time? What time is the flight leaves? How much time do we need? I just thought it was crazy that you live such an adventurous life and yet you don't

talk about it on stage. I mean, you're all over the world oh dude i i just now just this past week and i'm gearing up to do my hour i gotta say this before i forget uh i am taping my hour special for showtime april 1st at the irvine improv if you'd like to get tickets you can go to my twitter feed you can get a link right there or go to the Irvine Improv. Two shows Friday night, a 7.30 and an 8. Wow, half hour set? Yeah, 7.30 and an 8. Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no.

I'm sorry. I'm fucked up. No, 7.30 and 10 or whatever. 7.30 and 10. It's a quick turnover. It's a quick turnover. I'm doing a 10-minute special. You're releasing your special on Vine.

Yeah. So go to the Irvine Improv and get tickets because I'd like to sell it out. I'd like to have a packed room and it'm doing a 10-minute special. You're releasing your special on Vine. Yeah. So go to the Irvine Improv and get tickets, because I'd like to sell it out. I'd like to have a packed room, and it's like a 500-seater. Why wouldn't you like to have it empty? I'd like to. I'd like to sell it out. I would like the show to be successful, so please laugh. Fucking yeah.

The Irvine Improv's the shit, too. The new place is really excellent. Yeah. Callan filmed his thing there. Really? Yeah, it's great. I opened for him. It's sweet. It's a real nice shit, too. The new place is really excellent. Yeah. Callan filmed his thing there. Really? Yeah, it's great. I opened for him. It's sweet.

It's a real nice setup, man. It looks beautiful. Yeah. I've done it a couple times on Tuesday, too. They have a fun Tuesday night there. I think I did a weekend there once, too. It's great. Yeah.

The new Irvine Improv's fucking smoking. It's perfect. That's cool. I kept looking at all these shows. It's so easy to see specials on netflix but like everything looked for me looked a little cookie cutter where it was like everything was done like a certain type of thing i was like i don't do theaters it makes sense that you or bill would do a theater show when do i ever do i'm not doing

theaters anymore for uh specials i do theaters if i'm in a place like vegas or if i want to go to a town for one night i'll'll do a theater. But arenas. Specials. Hockey arenas. With the ice. On ice. And I can't skate. No, I can't skate at all, man.

It would be a lot of shitty movement. Who did you say that to? Action Bronson. Action Bronson. That is the funniest goddamn interview. When you're talking and he's totally Action Bronson in that. And you just interview. When you're talking and he's talking like, he's totally Action Bronson in that. And you just go, I can't skate. I laughed fucking hysterically.

He was like, are you fucking serious? How do you not skate? We were on Pluto. We were so high during that interview. It was so ridiculous. And he kept going. He smoked it like a cigarette. Yeah, he kept going.

He does that all day. He's just constantly going. He smoked it like a cigarette. Yeah, he kept going. He does that all day. He's just constantly going. He had like a fucking You ever see those Cuban cigar rollers that roll like their fucking stack of the day? That's what he had with him. Like a stack of blunts. I'm telling you I've got 19 million things

to talk to you about, but like that Viceland, I'm fucking fascinated. Viceland's great. The show's great. His show is excellent too fuck that's delicious fuck that's delicious I watched that I found that at the beach

one weekend and I watched all of them dude his food shows are great but the way he does it it's real it's not like I'm here at the

dot dot dot dot dot and we're ready to you know do do do do I did that for when we did we shot Birth to Conqueror and I'm not

I'm not saying I stole from Action Bronson. But after watching enough content, I was like, I don't need the intros. I don't need any of this shit. Just give me the action. Right. So when we did Birth to Conqueror, it's not going to air for maybe ever. I don't know. Until June.

But there's no intros. None of it. It's just real. And that's the way content should be done. Yeah. Maybe a short introduction like staring at the camera like you would if your friends were there yeah yeah instead of this super polished professional thing the problem with your show is it's a great show you

love doing it but you take months away from stand-up yeah and that's that's just that's just too much for guys funny as you doesn't make any sense i i don't think i saw that until i started getting back on stage and going like oh fuck man you know what you what happens when you don't do it all the time is you don't work on your jokes you don't take that bit you know like you can't yeah you just do it one time you're like it worked i'm good you don't the only way you could really do stand-up is to do it all the time and to do it in front of audiences all the time like that's how they the bits have to come together you can't do it on your own need people you got to be in that zone i'm bill bill and i bill was talking to me about it um and i he said something like man i gotta go i gotta go knock the rust off and i was like what was last time

you're on stage he's like last sunday i went hold on I've spent like months off stage yeah and he was like he's like how can you do that months is rough if I take a week off I don't like it if I take two weeks off it feels like I can take a week off if I'm going on vacation I'll say okay I'm going on vacation I'm not thinking about shit when I go on, I make a concerted effort to just pay attention to entertainment. Like I watch movies or I'll read a book or maybe I'll check Twitter real quick to see if anything wacky is going on in the world. And that's it. Like very little. Very little.

I don't want to take anything. I don't want to talk about business. I don't give a fuck. I just want to hang out and chill. Yeah. So I can do that. Just want to hang out and chill. So I can do that.

But when I'm, like, if I take a week off and I just haven't done stand-up and then I get back on stage again, I feel like I've got to get the engine cranking again. Yeah. So the longest I've ever taken off is from surgery. I think when I twisted my knee, I took maybe a month off or something like that. Yeah. After ACL surgery, maybe a little more than a month. It gets weird. It does. It gets weird it does and you lose me and i'm for me i write a lot i write a lot and like on stage so i lose material so i lose like

tags and stuff i lose like big chunks where i go one day i'm all of a sudden i'm like oh wait whatever happened that fucking joke is the travel channel cool with you not doing that show or do they want to keep doing it do you uh i don't know're doing Birth to Conquer for them as well, right? Right now we're doing two shows, but I'm not doing anything. It was kind of understood I was going to take a little bit of a sabbatical to focus on stand-up. And my agents would reach out and they're like, you know, technically I don't have to work all the time.

I was just doing it because I wanted money. And they were like, we're cool with just the base of the deal and then give him the time to do stand-up. And then I got back in stand-up and I were like, we're cool with just the base of the deal and then give him the time to do stand-up. And then I got back in stand-up and I was like, I started going like, okay, I can't do the show the way I normally do. I can't just go and go, all right, let's two weeks go to fucking Micronesia. Like I was like, I need to be on stage every week. But for me, you know, the store and like some of the smaller clubs, I like doing an hour. I like working the hour.

So I like being on the road fucking Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Why don't you do a show, if you're going to do a show for them, a show that involves stand-up? I mean, it's the damn travel channel. How about you do a show where you go and you do stand-up on the road and then you go out to places sort of like Dave? I tell you to have like insomniac Yeah That kind of a thing just visiting places and then come up with shit to do in those places that you visit We may we can do both we made I don't need the networks change direction

So we don't know exactly what's gonna happen with any anyone really excitedly the candidly I think everyone knows this but the network kind of did like a cleaning house and moved everyone to Knoxville and left Chevy Chase Maryland and there's a new president and a new SVP. Knoxville

Tennessee? Yeah that's where Scripps is headquartered Scripps? Scripps owns Travel Channel. They own DIY Are we supposed to know this shit? You're saying it like it's No. Everyone knows this Joe. Yeah come on Joe I mean the word's out Scripps What kind of word is this man you're so inside they've been my boss for six years i can't imagine anyone doesn't you're such an industry guy but um knoxville tennessee what

the fuck is that place like that's pretty cool is it yeah they their old comedy club is right around the corner from where scripts headquarters is headquarters is. What comedy club is that? It's broken down now. It's like just some beat up and just got the, theoretically, the Chuckle Hut signature on the thing. Is it not existing anymore? It's not existing, but man, I got to be honest with you. If I had an extra chunk of change, I'd fucking open it because I love those little box comedy clubs that, you know, like the-

Punchline Atlanta? Yeah. Punchline Atlanta was such a great fucking club. Wait, that, you know, like the- Punchline Atlanta. Yeah. Punchline Atlanta was such a great fucking club. Wait, that's not open anymore? No, it's closed. Went under. Jamie, remember Jamie from the Punchline? He's going to get me that piece of, there was a piece of wallboard that says, quit trying

to be Hicks. Yeah. Somebody wrote it in graffiti. I loved that fucking thing. I have a photo of that. Yeah. I always thought it was hilarious. That was a great fucking club.

That's sad. So what took its place down there? Well, they had parking issues, if you remember. They always had parking issues. And I don't know if they lost their lease. I don't know what happened. That's sad. But I guess they're reopening.

They're going to open up a new one somewhere else. If I'm not mistaken, they might have already reopened because they gave me an offer for the weekend before my special. That's good. But I think right now they're like in limbo. Okay. They have the Laughing Skull there too. Great club.

Fitzsimmons is there this weekend. Really? Yeah, Fitzsimmons is going there this weekend. I don't think he's ever been there before. We were talking to him about how awesome it is. And then there's the Improv now, right? Yeah. Improv's supposed to be pretty good there too, right?

I've done that one too. That's good. It seats a lot more. How many people? A lot. It's supposed to be pretty good there too, right? I've done that one too. That's good. It seats a lot more. How many people? A lot. It's probably, I'm probably 320. Okay. They're doing a lot of big clubs now.

They're doing the 500 seaters, like the new Irvine Improv is 500 plus seats. Columbus Funny Bone. Yeah. Columbus Funny Bone. We were talking about that last night. I'm doing a call and sit to work show March 17th there. What does that mean? I told you about these. I go in, I do radio, I drink, and then do like an 11 a.m Funny Bone. We were talking about that last night. I'm doing a call and sit to work show March 17th there. What does that mean? I told you about these.

I go in, I do radio, I drink, and then do like an 11 a.m. show. Oh, really? Yeah. They're sold out everywhere. I've never had them not sell out. So they're funny shit, but it's like an 11 a.m. show, and everyone just calls and sits to work and gets fucking blitzed. So it's St. Paddy's Day, and Struve pulled up.

He's like, it's fucking insane. They're insane. What is your dad worried about with your lifestyle? It's weird. I don't know why he would be worried about you drinking. I'm dialed in. I can lighten up my party and I don't party as hard as people think. He's my canary now.

That's a perfect canary, right? I'm not anyone's canary. He doesn't smoke cigarettes. That's true. How much do right? I'm not anyone's canary. He doesn't smoke cigarettes. Yeah, that's true. How much do you weigh right now? 207. Are you serious? How tall are you? 5'8".

Oh, you are? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were 6'0". 6'0". Yeah. Bert's barely paying attention to you. I know. He's like he's over there somewhere.

Yeah. You know, that guy. Well, congrats on your weight loss. Thanks, man. I mean, I was 228 January 1st, so it's falling off. I was 256 November 30th. And you're 255 today, no? 230.

Really? What'd you do? No bread. Yeah, that's a big one. That's it. No fucking bread. Isn't that amazing? Just cut out bread, and you will lose a lot of weight. And I've been having beer. Like, it's not like. Just it. No fucking bread. Isn't that amazing? Just cut out bread and you will lose a lot of weight.

And I've been having beer. Like, it's not like carbs, but just no fucking bread. So crazy. Have you ever thought about what it would be like if you cut it all out? All carbs? Yeah. I think I'd be boring as fuck. Why do you think you'd be boring?

Just, man, I... Bread makes you awesome? No, but I think... I think the thing about... Like, the thing I like about my thing about like the thing i like about my personality or the thing i like about life i like about life is just going is is impulse i love impulse i love i love i know it's tough when you're on a diet you'd be shocked when you've been groomed on this lifestyle how often you just go to the fridge and open it because that's what

impulse provides it's like how often you go to get a snack you're like wait oh fuck i can't snack like and so it's it's interesting to pull that part of your personality back and the last part of my personality is like i don't know if like a good opportunity shows up and someone wants to do a shot i want to be able to do a shot so like i think that cutting out all carbs together would just be tough for me what about just cutting out beer and just doing like vodka or something because isn't a beer way worse for you then i did that i did that during this whole time i cut out beer entirely but uh definitely a lot a lot of calories a lot of calories um i was doing like i was kind of slow rolling wine mostly and then slow rolling wine yeah is that another expression that i'm not aware of are Are you a slow wine roller, Brian? Sometimes when I have a box of wine that I carry around.

Do you ever say I'm a slow rolling? A box of wine is the best. A box of wine is awesome. It's one of the best inventions in the world. Did you buy it from Napa? Did you drive up there? When I drink wine, I would always drink like as if it's a normal beverage. That's the best way to get drunk.

When we were doing trip flip on the road, the last season, I was going through like a box of wine a night. I was like, oh my God. Brian, wait, hold on, Brian. I didn't know it was two bottles. I thought it was one. Do we have any wine, young Jamie? I thought it was one. Do we?

See if we have any wine, young Jamie. I was going through a box of wine a night. And I told my buddy Paul, I go, man, I gotta be honest with you. A box of wine a night, I think that's my limit. I'm gonna try to stay under that, and I'll be healthy. And he goes, it's still a lot of wine. I go, yeah, like, on paper.

And he goes, two bottles is a lot. I go, these are two bottles. Actually, I think it's more than two bottles for a box of wine. I think it's like six or something. Wait the fucking minute. You really just said a box of wine a night is not that much. I was under the impression it was one bottle of wine. So I'm sitting there going like-

But even a bottle of wine by yourself? You don't think that's a lot of alcohol? And it's not one bottle. I've had this conversation with Dr. Drew. I don't see a bottle of wine as a lot of alcohol personally. I've had this conversation with Dr drew i don't see a bottle of wine there's a lot of alcohol personally i've had this conversation with dr drew yeah why because because everyone always says the same thing you're fucking saying why are you prefacing it with that i i i look at wine as a little differently oh then like unrealistically like if you said if you said to me what would you rather have a 12

pack of beer a bottle of wine or a bottle of vodka i go bottle one it's grown up you sit back you maybe i like one i like the flavor i do like the taste but i can't imagine if i drank a bottle a day i wouldn't be freaking out this is a big conversation to have man like people get upset if one person expects other people to be healthy, you know, they get upset. If you try to impose your healthiness on them, like if people are working out and they have a friend that doesn't work out, come on, get to the gym, go to the gym. People don't want to hear that shit. They never do. And it's a fine line you dance when you're on a podcast where you want to talk about like fitness and fitness goals you're doing and then give advice to friends.

Like maybe you should try like this because people will get upset because it, we all know that we probably should be eating better. We, and we all like say one day I'm going to really fucking do this. One day I'm going to start blending vegetables in the morning and stop eating honey nut Cheerios with fucking chocolate milk. You know, listen, I'm a gentleman. Anyone that is a fan of mine right now that listens to my podcast

knows exactly what I'm going to tell you. Salute, gentlemen. Salute. Cheers. By the way, can I tell you, there's two different kinds of boxes of wine, typically.

And there's a smaller one and the more normal one, like the Franzera or whatever it's called. Oh, this is delicious. The smaller one's four bottles. The smaller one's four bottles of wine. What? The typical box of wine is six and two-thirds bottles.

Jesus Christ. I was on the road. I was in Africa. I don't know what it was. I was on the road. You were drinking four bottles of wine a night. No, I wasn't drinking four bottles. You're like a sailor.

You're like a pirate. The other thing I'll say is that I drink, usually when I have my bottle of wine, I have it on the treadmill. What the fuck did you just say? I drink. You drink a bottle of wine while you're on the treadmill? Yeah.

All right, Bert, you need to go to someone. No. Listen. You can't drink wine on the fucking treadmill. Why not? Do you smoke pot and go to jujitsu? That is a totally different thing. Bullshit!

What do you mean bullshit? Why are you saying bullshit? How is that so different? Because it doesn't, first of all, it's not alcohol. Alcohol is bad for your body. Marijuana is not bad for your body. In fact, it's an anti-inflammatory. But it's cardio. You're smoking and then working out. It doesn't have any effect on your

cardio. In fact, it probably has a positive benefit. In fact, ultra-marathon runners smoke pot. They smoke pot and eat pot and there's been studies that have been done recently. There's Bert drinking a beer on the treadmill. How did you fucking find that? And by the way, beer not a bad thing to drink after you work out a beer it replenishes the body with glycogen according to some people because the alcohol and the hops yeah like some people say that after a nice workout a beer is not a

bad thing to have lance armstrong said that on your podcast did it yeah that they used to drink beer yeah they used to drink beer. That was their steroid back in the 20s. The Tour de France. For the Tour de France. Wine too. They used to get fucked up because they were sore and in pain all the time. No, it was it would lower your blood. It would thin your blood out so you could, it was like the dopamine. It was the same thing as

doping. Theoretically, it was low-grade doping. If I'm not mistaken, because I was really fascinated. You don't want to thin your blood out, dude. You want to do the opposite. You want to thicken it. Uh, yeah, maybe I was wrong. Yeah,. You don't want to thin your blood out, dude. You want to do the opposite. You want to thicken it. Yeah, maybe I was wrong. Yeah, you definitely don't want to thin your blood out. You don't want to be dehydrated. You want to be extra hydrated.

It's like the opposite. For me, it was a way to relax at the end of the night, watch some TV, get on my treadmill, listen to a podcast, put on YouTube and get on the treadmill

and just kind of walk at a four and have a bottle of wine. Well, listen, it's way better than not walking on the treadmill and just kind of walk at a four and have a bottle of wine. Well, listen, it's way better than not walking on the treadmill and just drinking the bottle of wine. Okay, then we can agree to disagree. Yeah. I mean, I think it's way better than not doing the treadmill. Yeah. For sure.

But that's a lot of wine. I'm not drinking it every single night. How many nights a week? Five? This feels like an intervention. But honestly, how many nights a week? Did I drink wine? Yeah. Well, right now it's bad intervention, but honestly how many nights a week did I drink wine? Yeah

Well right now is bad because I'm on the roads would just be Thursday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Those nights you drink several bottles of no no, no, but I'm doing stand-up. So I go on the stage. I have a cocktail It's I'm not as dialed in is like it's I'm never gonna be able to just tell you I have one. I'm not like a housewife. I might have one bottle of wine a night. Housewife. Like, I'm on the road all the time. No, I understand. I drink on the road sometimes, and when I'm home, I don't drink.

But I was like, I didn't drink last night. Oh, I drank a little bit last night. It just seems like a stunning number. Four bottles of wine a night, if that's the same size box as he's talking about. Yeah, and your blood sugar must be out of control from all that wine. Blood sugar is probably a little out of sync because I noticed that if I have a cup of coffee the next morning, I start firing real hot, almost like mannequins. You write really good when your blood sugar is spiking. Really?

I do. Can we just talk about Stan Hope? We can talk about anything, man. We can talk about anything, but the fact that it makes you uncomfortable talking about your wine consumption. I'm sweating right now. Yes. I don't know.

We love you. We want you to be healthy. Dude, I've lost a ton of weight. My blood pressure is great. I'm doing a lot better than I was doing. So, like, I'm on the right path. Do you think that doing this Travel Channel show where you're constantly on the road all the time makes it worse yeah yeah i would think it would because you you don't really like flying either so you

like to get liquored up before flights yeah yeah and so those flights to vietnam were pretty tough i wish that i was i wish there was a guy that could eat pills, but I'm not that guy. I heard Vietnam is awesome. That's Anthony Bourdain's favorite place to visit. Amazing. Yeah. And I'll say this to anyone listening. If you've got 13 friends and you guys want to have an amazing fucking week of your life, take coach seats to Vietnam, cheap, and just go to Ha Long Bay, get a junk boat, and just go around.

It's super inexpensive to be on a junk boat, and they're beautiful. They're fully captained and staffed. You have your own chef. What? They should change the name of junk boat if it's that nice. I know. I thought you were talking about a raft. Just type in Vietnamese junk boat, and you'll see

they're gorgeous. They're gorgeous. All teak. They sleep 13, and it was $800 a night. How many expats are there? A few. A bunch, I would say. Do you think you could do a show? A stand-up show?

Oh, yeah. 100%. 100%. That's a junk boat. Dude, that would look like a pirate ship. It's like some crazy Game of Thrones ship. $800 a night. That's how long bay that he's in right there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. That's $800 a night for everyone on board? Nope. Just one. Just for everyone to sleep. Ours slept $13.

It was $800 a night. For 13 people, it's $800 combined? Yep. That's insane. Joe, that includes food and all crew. How safe is it? 100% safe. It's a bay.

It's just all cliffs and mountains. It's a bay. It's not, you're not going, it's just all cliffs and mountains. It's really gorgeous. Wow. And what is crime like in Vietnam? It's up there. Yeah?

Yeah, like you don't go out late at night and you don't like, you know, just the thing about Vietnam that I witnessed or I experienced

was that like, if you get in a fight with one Vietnamese dude, 100 Vietnamese guys are jumping on top of you. Like that was the, who got in a fight? One of the exp 100 Vietnamese guys are jumping on top of you. Like, that was the... Who got in a fight? One of the expats that was running one of the things we did, he said...

I was like, I wanted to go get these egg sandwiches. They have these great egg sandwiches. They're the most amazing egg sandwiches I've ever had. And I was like, I'm going to go run out. I'm going to get 10 of them. And he goes, well, bring someone with you. Because it was like, they're like 50 cents each. And the lady makes them on like a hot dog cart.

And she made... Dude, they're the best. And I had my whole whole crew with me so I was getting them for everyone oh okay what was in them egg shredded pork and I don't think cheese no cheese cuz I don't Vietnamese don't really fuck around with cheese hot sauce yeah I don't think there was cheese but the eggs were cooked perfectly and the the bread was so soft and flaky. And it was hollowed out in the center. So when the egg fell apart, all it did was just kind of melt into the bread. So you had like, it was just the best sandwich I've ever had in my life. I think they're called beng ma. And I went out to go get 10.

And the guy goes, bring someone with you. And I was like, oh, I'm just going to go right across the street. And he's like, doesn't matter. Say if you get into some altercation because you're cutting in front of someone in traffic. Like the big thing with traffic there is you don't run across the street you walk even if they're coming at you walk so they can avoid you you never change your pace because if you change your pace that's how they hit you oh christ wow yeah and he's like and if you do that and you get a fight you literally have 50 vietnamese guys on you and he was like and it happens and it happened to me.

Like two weeks ago, I got in a fight with one guy. And just, I mean, everyone, like store owners were dropping their aprons and jumping on this guy, he said. Whoa. So, yeah, but I don't think it's crime ridden, but it's not fucking Montana. It's amazing how quickly they forgave Americans. They sort of just like. They probably didn't forgive Americans. I don't know. know i mean i don't think it's like japanese like i think the older japanese folks apparently just are still pretty pissed off the ones that were alive when they dropped the bombs

yeah yeah i can see that i can see that that's fairly reasonable you know japanese it's a it's a very fascinating culture because they're they're openly nationalistic you know like you could say it's racist but it's openly nationalistic like they just like no white people they'll have bars just no white people oh yeah you can't come in could you imagine if someone tried to do that in America? You had to say no foreigners you put up and like is that the Donald Trump America like they put up a no foreigners Sign in front of certain establishments and someone will argue that they have the right to do that. I there's a drinking club like I'm a drinking club on Once it's like called the Soho room or something. It's on sunset down

Near the Argyle what used to be the Argyle. It's like a drinking club and they were like, hey We're setting a meeting a general meeting with this writer for you. I was like, oh cool I'm like you got to be a member. He's a member and then he'll let you in but it's members only I was like, oh cool and I rolled up and my manager Judy was there and I go. What are you doing here? She's like I'm in the meeting. I was like, oh, they let women in here? Because I just assumed it was this old men's only club. She's like, what fucking world have you been living in that you're shocked that they let women in?

In my head, I was like, oh, this place doesn't seem as cool anymore. You shouldn't let a man. There's no place where they don't let women. There's places where you don't let men. Those curves places. Those places where the older ladies like to work out, I guess. What is it? It's overweight people, right?

Yeah. Is it overweight people or all women? I think it's just all women. It's all women. It's all curves. Am I getting the right name? Curves. Because there's places that are just all women gyms.

Is that what it's called? That's called curves, yes. So you couldn't go there? No. But you could never have a dick swingers club, like with only men. Could you have an all-men gym? No. No one would ever let you.

I think you could probably do that. I don't think you could. And I think the argument would be, the argument they would make, I'm not saying it's right, would be that women get sexually harassed and ogled at a regular gym and they get uncomfortable and they don't want to have to deal with men. They just want to work out. They could probably at a bar, have it called no broads or whatever. And like, just have like the line that most bars have where they're like, uh, no, we're

only letting the women in tonight. You know, you know, only let them in. They could probably easily do that. I don't think it's against the law. I wonder. Here, here, just all right. No, I'm good. I'll leave it's against the law. I wonder. Gloria Allwright. Leave it over here, Brian. I'll drink it. Gloria Allwright would fucking come after you.

Or one of those... Yeah, they don't have anything like that. But I grew up in a... I feel like I grew up in a time when you'd go to the men's locker room where the bar was, where all the men would play cards as a kid at, like, country clubs. And you'd walk in and you'd be like, one day.

And then sadly, that was all taken away before I could ever get there. Yeah, there's no real place like a bachelor's club. You know, that's what pool halls used to be. Yeah. Pool halls was like, what pool halls were at the turn of the century in New York City. It was like, and in a lot of places in the country, were these places where young men who didn't want a family. They wanted a bachelor life. They didn't want to have a 9.5 job, you know, some square life.

They wanted to have action and they wanted to gamble and they wanted to drink and they wanted to stay together and just be men. And they would go to pool halls and they would gamble. And pool halls were almost entirely, they almost entirely revolved around gambling, which is like a little known secret. Like the game is called billiard, pocket billiards, but it's called pool because you pool all your money together for a bet. That's the original name. That's the definition of the name pool. Really? Yeah. So at the turn of the century in New York City, there was something like a thousand pool halls and there was all these 1,000 pool halls.

And there was all these guys that just didn't want to do it. They didn't want to get married. They didn't want a 9-5 job. They wanted to live the bachelor life. And today, that's like disgraced. If you want to be a bachelor, if you want to be a 50-year-old guy and live by yourself, you never had kids, and you don't have a regular job, and you just hang out in a pool hall all the time, you're a fucking loser.

It's amazing but you could have the same amount of money have a wife that you don't really like being around you know be trapped in some weird job and people think you're a winner you know you'd have the same amount of money it's like it's we have standards and one of the standards is a bunch of men that don't want to be a part of society. You don't want to have a nine to five job. You better be some outdoor dude. You know, you better be some camper or something. If you want to like get by and normal conversation with people and tell them that you're not married and you don't have a nine to five job. You don't really care for that. But you're 49 years old.

You better have some reason. Like he's really eccentric. He writes poetry in the woods. You have to have fucking something that you do that people consider a noble quest. If you're like, ah, you know what I like to do? I like smoking cigarettes. I like drinking whiskey. I like being around my friends.

Sometimes I say I open up money, I get a hooker. People are like, what the fuck? They'll get angry at you. They'll get angry at fucking loser. Look at this fucking loser. You want to be like this loser? He doesn't have a family. Sleeps till whenever he wants.

Hangs out with a bunch of guys and laughs all night. Fucking loser. I remember hearing someone right before I fell in love with my wife. I remember seeing someone at the improv going, man, you don't want to be the old guy at the bar. And I went, I was like, oh, fuck. I was hanging out with Ron White the other night. It was great. Yeah. The old guy at. It was great. Yeah.

The old guy at the bar was awesome. Yes. We had a couple of drinks. We had some laughs. What are you pulling up, Jamie? What's going on? Some breaking news? No, it was like a male club. What about like an Elks Lodge or Knights of Columbus?

Do they even exist? Yeah. Yeah, they do. I got an offer to be in one of those one time. Yeah, but I mean, is it all guys? Kiwanis. Girls go. This is like Aladdin Shriners. They're called fraternal groups.

I mean, fraternal means... Looking at that picture, I could tell how it smells in that room. You know what I mean? Like old dudes fart. It would almost be fun to hang out with those old guys and just hear them all drop N-bombs nonstop. Look at the fucking hats. Can't we just agree when you become 60 years old, you don't want to wear that stupid hat?

They're wearing a hat like a monkey that's begging for change. A little monkey with a grinding box. You know how they have the hat with the tassel? Yeah. Those little monkeys. They always do that, right? Whatever happened to the Friars Club? Well, it was a big thing in New York, and it's a big thing with guys who loves it.

It's like Jeff Ross loves it. Yeah. I never got it. Fitzsimmons used to like it in New York. They used to go there and play pool. It would be cool if they had a legit pool. You could play poker. There was a Thursday night poker game you could go to.

That was the same thing in a lot of ways. Guys looking to hang out with other guys. There's a certain amount of society that just demasculates you. And having a regular job where you have to, you know, and just when you have to wear a fucking tie and a suit, you're right away, you're doing something you don't want to do. You're dressing in a way that you would never dress if you were just left to your own Devices right you got a tie and a suit a fucking one of those pocket scarf things and you have to go to work You can't swear and you're there all day your feet hurt because you've got a wooden heel

Walking around with a wooden heel and a fucking hard leather of soul like a stupid shoe that you have to wear and you got a Tie clip and you're fucking you have to bullshit on the phone and you have to wear and you got a tie clip and you're fucking you have to bullshit on the phone and you have to pretend to be someone that you're not all day long that like when you have to pretend to not be a guy who likes pussy or not be a guy who likes to party or swear or you you have to like neuter yourself in a lot of ways and in doing so over long periods of time especially when you're rewarded for that You're rewarded for it at work or your exemplary conduct, you know, he's got a great bedside manner He's got he's got a wonderful office manners. Yeah, you know you you fucking slow

It slowly starts to chip away at you you still start to slowly become something that you're not really and you don't you don't get a chance to express yourself. And you get a few hours at the end of the day to have a couple of drinks and go to sleep and do it all over again. And your reset period that you get over the weekend, it's not enough time. It's not enough time. You know, if you had a year to be yourself again and just be around your friends and you guys could just behave and think the way you really feel, laugh at shit you actually think is funny, fuck around with each other.

That's being a comic. That's being a comic. Exactly. Dude, I'll never forget me, you, and Al, and we're sitting together talking about someone, and you're like, I get that guy to suck my dick. And me, you, and Al laughed so fucking hard, and I just thought to myself,

I thought, no one lives in that world that we live in that we're all a little thought to myself, I thought no one lives. No one lives in that world that we live in, that we're all a little fucking toasty. And you're like, I get that kind of suck my dick. And like, can you imagine saying that? Why was I saying that? What was the guy doing? Who was the guy? Do you remember? Yeah.

Okay. We'll talk later. Yeah. I don't remember where it was. But I love being able to say something totally retarded like that to my friends because you like When like Joe Joey will say like the most fucked like he'll say fucked up shit on stage But he'll pull you aside. He'll pull you aside and say some Unbelievably fucked up shit that makes you laugh

That was one of the things that he was doing while that fucking the whole caparula thing was going on I'm gonna have you on your... I was going to Jesus Christ. It's so dark. It's so crazy. Did he... Are those still up? Are all those tweets still up?

I don't know. Everything's up. Those are some of my favorite calls when Bunz calls me. Tommy calls me. He's like, have you been following Joey's Twitter thread? And you literally are cleaning the sleep out of your eyes. Like, hold on. Let me get in front of my computer.

What's going on? That's so funny. Fucking Tommy and I. Tommy, that's one of our biggest. Because we started together doing the road together. And one of the favorite things, when you sit in the green room with a guy, it's just kind of bullshit. Yeah. I can bullshit with that guy.

Forever. Forever. He's the best. He really is the best. He's such a sweetie. He's such a great guy. He's tall. As is his wife.

She's awesome, man. I might argue that she's funnier than him. Well, he's fucking hilarious. He's funny in a way that I... And this is what, but he's like Joey, because I remember watching Tom when he just, and this, you know, Tom's hearing this, so I know you know I love you to death, Tommy. But like, there was a time where Tom, and he'll admit this, that he was trying to figure out how to do it like a tell.

And he would just be like, like his pacing was off. And then all of a sudden, something switched on him, And he's telling stories where I can't find out. I don't see the setup punch, but I'm howling. Tommy! Just fucking howling, laughing at him. And I'm like, fucking, he is dialed in. He is in the sweet spot of his writing right now. Yeah, he's awesome.

What I was going to say was, he's really fucking funny. But I know what you're saying. Because she's really fucking funny too. She's hilarious. She's really, and they have a kid now, which is going to be really interesting because once you have a kid,

you have a solid 20 minutes new material. It's just a matter of like covering over the same ground that everybody else covers over when you have a kid. You have to kind of like comb through your material and make sure none of it

has been done before. This dude's, that's really hard. It's hard with like really common shared experiences that are transformative, like having a kid or something happened to you. Like guys who have cancer, a lot of times they have similar material about getting cancer. I remember Schimmel had a bunch of cancer bits after he got back from cancer.

Airplanes. Those bits have been beaten down so much that you almost have to have something fucking catastrophic happen on a plane for you to do a joke about being on a plane. It's like that subject matter, like people's eyes sort of glaze over if you go over that. Because they've heard plane jokes and travel jokes. Because comedians talk about what they do. And if you only travel all the time you're doing shows and then traveling so like this show no one's going to be able to relate to that like you're doing something weird you're talking everybody listens people pay for that what the

fuck kind of job is that that's just weird for people to relate to and that's for you that's your job but your job is also to live because you have to have things to talk about when you get up there. Your job is to hashtag be curious, you know, which is why I was saying to you, it's kind of crazy that you have this insane life. Like your life is one of the more fascinating lives of all my friends because you travel everywhere. I fucking called him up one day. I go, what are you doing, man? He's like, I'm on a moped in Vietnam. Like who the fuck can you call? And I'm on a moped in Vietnam.

Like, who the fuck can you call and they're on a moped in Vietnam? Like, that's, your life is crazy. It's crazy in that way. You know, it's talking about it on stage. You're going to have so much material, man. Once you, if you stop doing that show, if you decide, and then, you know, you do this hour and then you go to make your next hour and you start talking about just the crazy shit you've done oh my god you have so much time i mean i literally right now i'm looking at this hour and i'm chunking it out and you know my youngest daughter is a very interesting child so like i've got a whole chunk about her i've got a middle chunk i'm in i'm on the fence about but it's just it's fun stuff it's it's good but then

i just literally break to like i fought a bear i got involved with the russian mafia and then and i'm like just get rid of this chunk so i can go i drank goat's blood with a messiah chief i fucking had my first open water dive at 90 feet i fucking jumped off the tallest strat i jumped off the stratosphere i jumped off the like i literally am like ready to get this hour out so i can just start writing. Yeah. But that's the, and that's, I think, maybe I'm lucky right now because I go, I'm ready to, I'm ready to go on the road and figure the hour out.

I don't need it to murder. I need to figure it out. Well, the way to do that is, like, I think, is doing these little short sets around town, too. Where you just go up and say, for the next 15 minutes, I'm going to talk about drinking blood with the Maasai chief, and we'll fucking see what we can get out of this. Yeah. Just put it on your phone.

I did. I just, this last weekend, a long time ago, I told you a story in passing. And this is how weird the podcasts are. Is that I told you a story in passing that was a funny, I thought it was a funny story for me and you to talk about. And everyone loved it. And they've always chanted it out on my shows. I've never been able to tell it. It's a story about flying dildos going to the show and i never it

never worked and i tried it on stage people go do it and i'm like i'll do it but it's not gonna work because it's a good room for us but i this last weekend someone yelled just fucking tell it and so i told it and it worked and i figured out the ending that's the best feeling in the world when you're like okay now i now I got my beginning, my middle and my ending. Now I got to figure out that middle guts and I can get through this. Holy shit. And then I'm like, all right, let's get April 1st.

Let's get this hour done. I'm ready to fucking write. Like I'm ready to. Powerful. Oh, fucking man. You're very excited. Your eyes are wide. You're very excited.

I'm a standup mode, man. Good. Beautiful. Fuck. It's the greatest feeling in the world. It's the reason you get into this, and then this business takes over somehow and says... No, it doesn't. You let it. You don't have to let it.

Don't let it take over. I ain't need money. You know the feeling. But you make money. I know, but... You make money doing stand-up, too. Yeah, but I wasn't making money doing stand-up the way I'm making it now six years ago. What about podcasts?

Do you have good ads in your podcasts? Yeah, I make good money on my podcast. I wouldn't say I make what you or Corolla make at all, but good money. Definitely good money. Enough to pay for maybe a couple cars. Okay. I'm trying to guess. I don't know.

That's very specific. That was trying to guess. I don't know what, I don't know. That's very specific. That's actually very specific. A couple of domestic cars, fully loaded. Satellite radio. Expedition and a BMW, you know, whatever. So tell me about your Stanhope trip. It was the best decision I ever made in my grown-up life. Yeah?

Yep. How would you do? I just... What'd you decide? I'd said on podcasts with you, I'd said I wanted to go out there for the Super Bowl and it didn't work out

because I did a podcast with Kroll on Monday and I wouldn't be able to make it back. And I felt bad. I felt like I didn't get... I was like... Because I really love Doug.

I think he's one of the sweetest guys around. So I just called him up one day. I go, hey, you mind if I come out just to hang out for a day and party? And he was like,

I'm fucking here. Do it. Do it it so i just tagged it onto one of my trips and i did like i've been doing like theater not theater but like a single club then weekend then single club i just canceled the single club flew out to doug's chelly picked me up at the airport rolled in everyone's in the fun house drinking bingo's in there it's fucking amazing i think we podcasted for six hours whoa non-stop non-stop unedited i'm telling you when i say the open my opus of podcasting is just me and doug talking shit about everybody just fucking tearing apart art tearing apart good comedy tearing apart life his buddy chad shanks there. Chad Shank's hilarious. Doug's podcast is one of my favorite ones to listen to because it is a real

authentic extension of his personality. The same way this is for you, that is what you do. When I first started listening to this podcast, I go, this is what Joe does. He gets online at the end of the night, smokes a joint, and just researches his most important shit, most crazy, insane shit, and now he's just telling us about it. Oh, this

is fucking amazing. Oh, now he's bringing the people that he finds online. He's bringing them in and having a conversation with them. This is great. This is Doug. Just start drinking a four fucking vodkas with a bartender in his front. Have you ever been out to his compound? Nope. Oh, it's fucking amazing. How far is it from the

airport to drive? About an hour and a half. And Chaley's his tour manager. How far would it be to drive from LA? I think six hours. From here? To his place? Six to eight, I think. Six to eight. That's not bad. I typed in my address on accident and it gave me directions. It's seven miles from the Mexico border.

We roll in. That's crazy. And Doug is literally just... And you know, man, it's like, you know, Doug will say this, but like, he doesn't get to hang out with comics because he lives in the middle of nowhere. So he rolled in. He was in his pajamas, never changed out of his pajamas, just smiling ear to ear and smoking a cigarette. And he's like, what can I get you to drink?

And literally off the bat, we start podcasting and just catching up. Oh, it was fucking, this is his fun house. So what is the fun house? Why does he call it the fun house? So he's got, I think he's got four properties, four houses on this property. He's got the main house. He's got the, maybe he has like seven. I don't know.

But he's like, there's a bunch of like trailers around that people can live in. And then he's got a guest house that I stayed in. He's got another house that Shaley and his wife Tracy stay in. He just buys houses in the neighborhood? They're like 35 grand. What? They're like 35 grand. He just keeps buying them when they pop up. You can buy a house for 35 grand? They're like $35,000. What? They're like $35,000. He just keeps buying them when they pop up.

You can buy a house for $35,000? Oh, good. Detroit, you can buy them for $5. Yeah, but we're not talking about Detroit. We're talking about Bisbee. He buys them? Just keeps buying them. And he's got corrugated metal fence.

Can't see over it. So it's all around. $35,000. Yeah. Detroit, you can get it for like $500, right? Yeah, but it's still Bisbee in the middle of nowhere. No one wants to move there. It's cheaper. that's where you're wrong. Let me tell you something I shot a vlog for this like you know I've been doing my vlogs

Well, I bring my camera out to do my vlog I like how you say it cuz nobody else says it everybody else will write it, but they don't say it Oh, really? I never heard anybody say vlog am I saying it wrong? No, you're saying it's totally right Yeah, but it's something that people write they write down, you know, like vlog for the day. Nobody says it. I don't know what to call it. Like video blog. Right.

You ever hear anybody say vlog? Vlog now. No, Brian is as entrenched in the internet culture. I've been calling it a vlog this whole time. I mean, it's probably the right thing to say. I just never, I mean, I've seen it written. I just never heard anybody say it. Yeah.

Other than you. He's addicted to vlogs now, I found out. He just knows all of the YouTubers. But I had Shaylee bring me into Bisbee, and I shot B-roll of Bisbee. It's beautiful. Really beautiful. It's a good town. Right outside Tombstone, where the OK Cal Corral is.

Went to Tombstone, rolled in, and man, it ended. I have a vlog I'll post it. I have to edit it. There's a cave for sale out there. Yeah. I met the two people that live in it. It have a vlog i'll post it i have to edit it there's a cave for sale out there yeah uh i met the two people that live in it it's a dope house man uh i met the two people living in it like hobbit people yeah they live in a hobbit house like it's a cave yeah it's it was amazing and i told doug i said you need to have more people come out here and do this because it was so fun man it was so fun like we we were we ended up just singing

at the end just partying and singing songs and oh so fucking great and yeah so that podcast right now uh his girlfriend has uh gone a wall or his wife's gone a wall so yeah she's got a wall yeah he's talked about on his podcast so i'm not sharing not sharing. Is this the cave house? Is this the cave house in Bisbee? Look at this. Oh, no. I didn't meet these people then. Oh, hello. Hi, Catherine Clark.

This is my home. Look at that gate. Oh. So it's dug into the side of the house. Yeah. Is this the same place? This is in Bisbee, Jamie? Yeah.

Wow. Look at that. It's got a dope fucking little forest behind it and this waterfall and shit. Yeah, that does not what Doug's compound looks like. This is awesome. If I moved to Bisbee, I'd buy this fucking house. I kept saying to myself, they've got a theater

in there that Doug does. This is nuts. Look at this. These people have a... Oh my God. That's gotta be so cold. Inside this fucking house. Cold? I wonder if it be so cold. What is inside this fucking house? Cold? I wonder if it's, like, dusty. Yeah, right?

Why cold? Because you're in a cave. They're in Mexico. I know, but it's a cave. It's rock. It's earth. It's so hot down there. It's the desert.

You think that's hot in there? Yeah. Oh, I think being in a cave would be cold no matter where you are. Cooler, right? Yeah. But still, it's 140 degrees outside. It's not cool in there. It might be if it's like a basement.

That house is fucking badass. I want to live there, man. I bet you can get it for $125. I bet you couldn't. I bet that house is at least a million bucks. $1.5 million. Is that what it says? Yeah.

Whoa. By the way, I'm looking at $1.5 million these days. It doesn't look like that. Yeah, right? No, $1.5 million gets you in L.A., gets you a regular house. Three bedroom, three bath. Isn't it crazy when we were kids, you thought of someone who had a million dollars as being like the most unbelievably rich set for life, and then you hear someone's house cost a million

dollars, you're like, holy shit, a million dollars. Yeah. And then you look at what a million dollars buys you in L.A., and you're like, what? Yeah. How about what it buys you in New York City? You ever look at that? No. Oh, my God.

The missus and I looked at fucking apartments in New York City at one point in time. Just on a whim, man. I just get these ideas in my head. Like, I don't want to live in the same place forever. I like to move around. And I'm thinking, maybe I should buy an apartment in New York. Or just try living in New York for a few months. They're like five million

bucks for like a sixteen hundred square foot apartment. I was like, this is nuts. That's probably larger than that. I got back from Doug's and went right back with my wife and her best friend. Her buddy, her husband's movie guy's got money and they were like, let's get a compound.

I want a fucking compound. Where would you do it though i i'm being dead serious i could totally do it in bisbee but would you want to do in bisbee i don't i wouldn't want to i'd like to do it with some fan do you want to be that close to mexico i would like to do it maybe in like in like montana alabama georgia montana now you're talking. Colorado. Cock. Colorado. Cock. Cock. Colorado.

I slow rolled that one. Colorado would be tough, I think, because of the elements. Oh, don't be a pussy. It's all white people. What are you talking about? What elements? You talking about black people? Remember that?

Remember that, Brian? In Atlanta? We were in Atlanta, and we were talking to this racist white girl, and she was like, well, you don't want to go to that club I go why she goes well you know the elements like to hang out there. Yeah that's right. Holy shit. What the fuck? What the fuck did you say? The elements? So we looked at each other and I go the elements? What does that even mean? But we both kind of knew what she was- I go explain yourself what are you saying? She's like well well, black people.

You know. Shut up. The elements. The elements. Like fucking earth, wind, and fire. The elements. It's so weird when he said elements, too. I'm like, wait a second.

I can't believe you just said that. Remember? Yeah. Remember that girl? Flashback. She was way out in the open with her racism. She's like, y'all are white. Come on. Oh, my God.

You know about the elements. Y'all don't want to be around the elements, especially when it gets dark out. You can't see it. Go Trump. Did you watch that video? Yeah, Derf, or what is he? The Daily Show video where it shows that none of you saw this. No, keep going. but everybody's saying that

word drunk drunk but i didn't know what it meant it's uh this guy who's it's not the daily show but it's the other guy uh john oliver john oliver did a breakdown on donald trump the other day on his show and it was one of the most beautiful things ever it was so perfect they found out that like trump's real name uh, his great-grandfather changed it to Trump, but it was originally Drumpf or whatever it was called. Drumpf's not bad. What's wrong with

Drumpf? I'm Bert. Yeah, who gives a fuck? I'm Joe. You know how many goddamn Joes there are? Brian, man. Yeah. Alright, I gotta say this. Well, you say that, but you changed your fucking last name. My age... Racist. man yeah all right i gotta i gotta say this well you say that but you change your fucking last name well my my age racist how dare you be scared of your nazi past no but brian there's people my age there's so many brians because a brian song came out this and the year i was born so everyone named their song kid brian because that fucking movie yeah really is that what this is that how trey songs got his name?

Who's Trey Songz? I don't know. It's a dumb joke that I thought only Brian would get. Who's Trey Songz? I got to say this real quick because Shaylee just emailed me. I think Doug and them are watching this. Douglas, me boy! So some drama happened on this trip.

Oh. I'm so sad to hear this. No, but Doug's talked about it and they just released the second podcast dealing with this. I think they found Bingo. What? So Bingo is Doug's wife, live-in wife. She was supposed to take me to the airport in the morning, and she was like, and Doug's like, don't worry, she'll get you up at like 8. She gets up at 6.30 in combat boots and ready to roll.

Here you go, someone. 630 in combat boots and ready to roll. Here goes someone. And get in the car with her. She drives me to the airport. And then halfway through, she says, I'm running away. I was like, I'm fucking hung over shit. I'm like, I don't know how to deal with this information.

And now I'm like, do I ask Dial Doug? Is Doug running a cult? No. Why does she have to run away? Yeah. Stockholm Syndrome. So Bingo started dating some guy that lives in the woods. I heard about all this. Yeah.

He's got an outhouse. Two outhouses. One for his bird. His owls? The one to shit in. Yeah. Oh my God. And so she's like, don't tell Doug.

Don't tell Shaylee. Don't tell anyone. I'm just disappearing. And you obviously didn't abide by that fuck. No, I was called Doug immediately I was like I woke him up. I was like bingo ran away. And so like it was pretty serious I think I mean, you know with Doug everything's there's a joke like everything's light-hearted Well, did you ever listen to the podcast with him and her when she was talking about ending? Ending this thing this experience called life. Yeah, that's why I called Doug

I was like I can't let this she's like just just don't tell Doug don't tell anyone. I appreciate it. Give me a big hug Got it all on my vlog Never share anything like that. I saw I got us saying a tearful. Goodbye. I was like in my head I'm like, I don't know how this is gonna to end for Bingo because I know that she says that. So I called Doug immediately, wake him up. And I was like, Bingo ran away. He was like, what? He knew she ran away halfway through the ride because he's like, hey, you left your phone and you took blankets.

And then she was like, because he called me on my phone. And she was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought Burt wanted to sleep in the car. Halfway through, I'm like, oh, I could sleep in this fucking car? Like, I should have gone to sleep. And then I look back, and I see coolers and, like, all gear. Like, it's all packed. And my bags.

And I'm like, fuck. So I called Doug, called Shaylee. So then Doug, I say that I told some secrets maybe that I shouldn't have said to Doug, but one of the things Mango says, she wanted this guy and Doug to kind of meet and figure out what she should do. So it's like she wants you to podcast and do it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She wanted Doug to podcast with her new boyfriend and figure out what she should do? Yeah. Wow, some strong psych meds.

So I tell Doug, and so literally he calls me like as my plane lands, and he's like, we're podcasting right now. Oh my God. So that podcast just got released yesterday, and I think Shaylee just texted me the new podcast where Bingo calls in, I guess, just got released right now. Are they trolling us? Yeah, it might be a troll. No, they're not.

It's probably just someone in a hall somewhere. I sat in the car with her, and man,'s so many god it's it's uh it was intense but you know doug takes everything with such a pace such like a like a yeah well fuck it i'll bring bathtub willie in is what he calls him and i'll do a podcast with bathtub willie yeah and i told doug i go hey just don't say that's anything opening the podcast is so Chrysler calls me and tells me bingo ran away So that it's so sad when you see someone who you in your mind Like you have the the memory of them being like real happy like when I think of bingo

I think of bingo hanging out with Doug at shows. Yeah, and it's always we're laughing. We're all laughing. Yeah, so that's my idea of bingo I think of bingo hanging out with Doug at shows yeah and it's always we're laughing we're all laughing yeah so that's my idea of bingo so my idea of a depressed bingo it doesn't make any sense like I don't I don't have it in my my my accessible memory you know I mean like I've only seen her have a good time I've only seen her having fun and we all accepted there's like ups and downs to being a person there's like highs and lows and you know you get in slumps and you feel like shit then you come back and you feel great and that's one of the reasons why you appreciate those really high spots because you remember when you didn't feel so good but you see someone like bingo like when she was hanging around with doug and in my

eyes it was always like doug's you gotta let doug be d be Doug you know and Doug's always had a problem with you know when he was with other chicks there was always like some sort of a different kind of drama than like what bingo presented bingo presented crazy but she also presented like this willingness to like have fun and go along with everything. And it was perfect for like letting the best parts of Doug just blossom because they were so cool together. Yeah. And she's crazy. She's got blue hair and half her head shaved and she's mad woman. Right.

So it was like, this is great. This is perfect. And it was always in my eyes. All I remember is them smiling and laughing. So it's always weird to me. And even though rationally, obviously, I know that people have their ups and downs. When I remember someone who's like really happy and really laughing and, you know, like big open smile,

ah, ha, ha, you know, throwing her head back laughing. these are the thoughts that I have when I think about her and Doug hanging out at shows. I think, how does someone forget how to do that? Like, how do you stay in that pocket? How do you stay as close to the fun all the time pocket as possible without slipping in? I mean, is it a chemical thing? Is it a behavioral thing? Is it a life circumstances and your reaction to it thing?

What is it that brings those downers, man? Where people just feel like utter shit. Serotonin levels. And I guess she has, you know, issues. So, like, medicine. Probably that she's taking. Mixtures. Look at Brody.

He has ups and downs all the time It's yeah, and I mean I did so many people that I that I end up calling crazy almost to a point It seems like it's but it's you know It's I feel like calling a woman crazy in the future is gonna be in the next tranny transgender Like it's like it's alternative thinking, you know, but I feel like I just nonstop. And it's just people's brains, man. And people just, they have ups and downs. I had fucking ups and downs.

You know, everyone has. There's so many factors too, right? It's got to be chemical, man. Well, there's chemical and then there's life. There's like the curveballs life throws at you. Like they're undeniable that great moments in your life where things are going great, you fucking feel great. And then when things are going shitty, you feel shitty. And we kind of try to deny that there's some sort of a correlation between those two.

But sometimes it's just shitty things happen. You know, like Ari Shaffir just broke his ankle skiing. Yeah. That's just a shitty thing that happens. And I think we don't forget about them either. Like if you you get in a relationship you break up you feel like you got over it But that still is something in you that's taxing that you don't even know you've actually taken down a couple levels of happiness Sure something else like your car you get in a car accident that adds on to it And you don't even realize that the ground that's what's the the level of happiness is getting pushed down deeper and deeper almost. It's true.

The thing about Bingo and Doug that really, like when you were saying, it's like, you know, that's like a, that's a really, like a nuclear family. They travel and they all stay in one room. Fucking six people stay in one room. That's not a good move. No, but that's

but that, you know, but like that's one of the beauties of Doug. I always accept, I always look at other people as like always glass half full. That's the cool thing about Doug is that, you know, obviously Doug's shows are footing the bills for the tour manager, the manager, for their wives, their girlfriends. And it's like this real big family. So what was really heartbreaking for me, because I hung out with them and I didn't know anything was wrong at all. I mean,

I knew that they were going through this, but like we were all hanging out and, and, and, and bingo was there and we were laughing and singing. I showed these guys the videos. I have them on my computer of just, I mean,

just, I'm telling you like St. Elmo's fire shit. Like everyone holding arms, just literally having the greatest time of my life. And I leave, how aggressively fucked up was I at the end of that video? Yeah.'re you're the you couldn't even talk on this i could not speak saint elmo's fire it was so great and so my whole hope is that is that it's got to be meds man i

mean i spent an hour and a half in a car with her more than x we had traffic but it's meds it's well it's just what what is going on in your brain versus another person's brain. You can only speculate. So wait, I don't know how, I don't know how anybody else sees the world. But how about like, tell me, tell me what you think about this. Honestly, um, say you put, um, say it's a, I'm trying to think of a scenario where I could say this end of the world.

We go to an Island. It's a, it's like you your wife and kids Brian and some girl that he'll end up falling in love with Jamie a bunch of computers um lost two yeah it's lost two but but what you got from Jamie it's computer everybody else gets girls oh we'll give him a rock that looks like a computer and why haven't I fallen in love yet because you're the b story time You're Don McMoinahan. My point is, and there's no meds. There's no meds, right?

Okay. But you got all your favorite people there. Okay. And there's no meds. And I'm saying like, and do you believe that someone, maybe that was on meds, that been put in a perfect scenario? No apex predators on the island. It's just family, friends, coconuts. Everyone's feeling good.

They're eating healthy. Right. Do you believe because i i wonder sometimes do you believe then that all those problems that society slid in where you now are on prozac or whatever uh do you think that they would be pulled away and that person would go like man i'm feeling good i'm eating healthy i got one job it's just to go get coconuts in the morning i I get my coconuts. We all sit by the pool. I don't know, man. I think there's a real danger. Why are you holding your hand up?

What does that say? It's a Dominic Moynihan joke. Oh, lost. He was awesome in that. Oh, dude, he was fucking amazing. Charlie. There's a real danger in saying it's either or, you know? Have you ever taken meds?

No. But I think for some people they're really important But do you feel like marijuana sometimes acts like a like a like a Zoloft for you? No But marijuana definitely gives you a more sensitive perspective and it calms you down and it makes you more Connected to all the other people that you come in contact with it definitely does that in a lot of ways Yeah, you know, but it's not what's going on with people that you come in contact with, it definitely does that in a lot of ways. Yeah. You know, but it's not what's going on with people that are taking medication. The people that are taking medication like SSRIs,

I have some friends that they started using them and it changed their life. You know, a couple, quite a few. And then both of them coincidentally, not coincidentally, but after a while they weaned off of them. And their life got better. And they're both really smart guys. And when their life got better, then they weaned themselves off the psych meds and they stayed happy. So I think everybody's got a different story, too. And there's a real, not a danger, but I think it's a real prejudice that people do where they'll decide like it's one way or the other.

Like it's either you don't need any medication. All you need to do is diet and exercise and run and you'll be fine. And then there's other people that think that it's a disease. The way to treat it is primarily through medication and that's it. is primarily through medication, and that's it. And your health and your exercise routines and your diet really doesn't have any bearing on it because there's some sort of a neurological disorder. You have an issue with your brain.

So there's people that are under that school of thought. I think the real answer, if you talk to a lot of those neuroscientists, they'll tell you it's somewhere in the middle. It's like, who the fuck knows? Like, I don don't know you so you might be completely batshit crazy and you need medication dude you're just fucking wired wrong it's not happening in there someone needs to go in there and rewire shit or you might be a guy who could easily be healthy if you could get on a good roll you know if you just get some momentum going and start, you know, getting up in the morning, drinking warm water with lemon, getting on the fucking treadmill for a half an hour every morning. Put that treadmill in the garage, plug that fucker in every morning.

Just do a fucking half an hour before you go. Once you start getting on these rolls like that, you start feeling better. There's a serotonin drip that happens. You start feeling better. You get you get more fit. You get get more healthy you feel better when you feel better your brain works better like it's undeniable so it's not necessarily one or the other but we don't know I don't know what's going on in your head you don't know what's going on in my head and I think that's where it gets weird

when people like these psych meds aren't helping anybody I think some of them might be helping some people. Oh, yeah. I think some people hit a bad spot, man. And I think the psych drugs can fucking pull them up and then they can get accustomed to being on balance and then they can get off of them. I wish I knew more.

They've always told me I should go on something for anxiety. They're like, oh oh to change your life it might I might the would the wonder about it is would it dull what's awesome about your personality 100% that's what everybody think crazy man I think fucking crazy well that's part of what makes you you yeah and then it's not like you don't have a handle on it. It's just slippery. The handle's slippery. Very fucking slippery. It's covered in MCT oil.

It's that way for everyone who's trying to do anything creatively. You can't be 100% relaxed. This is not going to work that way. Have you been to a therapist before? I'm in therapy right now. Hollow. It's best. Have you been to a therapist before?

I'm in therapy right now. Hollow. It's best. My favorite moment was when he told me. Because I have a lot of epiphanous moments. You know? Like I have cognitive, not cognitive, emotional. Never said that word. I've been alive 48 years.

Really? Never said epiphanous. Epiphanous. I have a lot of emotional epiphanous moments. Because, you know, I had a i where i jumped off the tallest stadium in the world swam with great white sharks and then rappelled up a 3 000 foot mountain so like at the end of that day you're sitting there going like the fuck man like what like what is going through my brain like i survived three times today when i when in the in deadly activities that i knew that

were safe but and so uh and then it started happening then I started getting a very low threshold for a bit like things could just be like Stan hopes man I got I was firing hot I was at the airport and I was just like that was one of the greatest times I've ever had in my life I'd like but and I go I wonder if it was the greatest time I had in my life or if I'm just like so connected right now to whatever that is they've got a theater there I was going to say this they've got a theater there I think Joey Ari and I are going to do it 125 seats Stan Hope Presents just go down and spend

In Bisbee He and I talked about that I was like that theater sounds like the perfect place to just bring in comics for a weekend Fuck yes. Did you ever do the old Cobbs? Yeah I think I don't know The old Cobbs that was like 150 seats? No It might not even have been that many seats do the old Cobbs? Yeah, I think. The old Cobbs that was like 150 seats? No.

It might not have even been that many seats. The old Cobbs was tiny. Yes, I did. It was down by the wharf. Yes. I did it when it was called the Green Room. Oh, so you did it after it was Cobbs, after Cobbs had moved to the new spot. Yeah.

That was a great fucking club, though. Dude, it's crazy because Cobbs is like the oldb's was literally like the perfect size club but it was almost too small to make money so like if you worked at Cobb's you got paid less than if you worked at the punchline which is also a great room right a punchline fantastic but there was something about that Cobb's because it was so small he would go there was like so packed in tight I would make less money to work there but look forward to it more. It caught on fire, right?

Yeah, something happened, man. There was some sort of a fire. Really? They moved to a new spot, and the new spot that they moved to was a giant-ass spot. Yeah, that's always hard to feel for me. Not if you're Doug Benson. But the new spot is still awesome. It's really cool.

I like the new spot. It's really cool. I like the new spot. It's really cool, but it's weird. It's got a high ceiling, and it's got a balcony that's way in the back. Well, you know, when Doug sells tickets to that theater, and he's done stuff there, no one from Bisbee. He has to hold like 25 tickets for Bisbee residents. It's all people flying into Tucson and driving down to go see the show. That's pretty fucking legit. Wow. It's all people flying into Tucson and driving down to go see the show. That's pretty fucking legit Wow, I was like I was like dude. That is what I was like bring I'll come I would come in in a heartbeat I know my initial idea of coming in was like go in do stand up in like near Bisbee

See if I get stand up to look at my hour tell me where I'm being lazy But and then he was like just do it in my house But like yeah, I'd love those old small rooms are the best Tell me where I'm being lazy. And then he was like, just do it in my house. Wow. But like, yeah, I love those old small rooms are the best. The laughing skull is a great fucking room. Great fucking room. Tiny. You know?

It's like almost like just a little bigger than the belly room. You know? Yeah. There's hundreds of seat rooms. Dude, the belly room's fucking amazing. You know I never fucked around with the store ever up until like very recently? That fucking belly room is- Fucking why would you ever do the OR or the main room? I'll tell you how little I knew.

The time I went up to do Ari's storytelling show, I didn't know which one was which. I literally had to go in and go, what is the belly room? That's how little I did the store. And they're like, and the guy didn't even know who I was. And then Ari brought me up there. I mean fucking Perfect did what's-his-name's new material night? Josiah

Jeremiah Jeremiah walk Jeremiah Watkins new material night my brains fucked But like Jeremiah is a old-school II name it is yeah, my god. I met his mom She must have been into the Bible just like you, Brian Song. No. No. Go ahead. Thank you, Jamie. But that belly room, I'm not a guy that goes out often during the night.

That convinced me to start getting out in the city. Ari called up and he's like, can you do my host of my storytelling show? I'm like, done. That belly room is fucking amazing. Yeah. It's a weird place it's a tucked away little tiny room at the store we do weekends there sometimes man really yeah yeah yeah we do like a friday night or saturday night 10 o'clock show it's just me and

friends you know it's fucking amazing yeah i mean the dude the whatever the big one is that we've done that one with you yeah the main room that's good it's good to kill Brian had a sick show there last night oh my god last night was insane really Dave Attell

was the secret guest yeah Attell came by the ice house last night too he's great I love that guy Ron White him

there's a few people that I see I can just sit and hang out with it's so great yeah they're just sweethearts comedy sweethearts

have you seen Nikki Glaser's new show? It's actually really funny. I liked it. She hooked people up to, like... You know, Maguire's producing that. Oh, really? Yeah, Chris Maguire's producing it. It's so funny.

I believe he is. He was at one point in time, I'm sure. I hope he's still with it. Chris is hilarious. He's great. He's a fucking hilarious writer. So funny. She hooked up lie detectors to her friends and then asked them if they wanted to fuck her. Chris is hilarious. He's great. He's a fucking hilarious writer. So funny.

She hooked up lie detectors to her friends and then asked them if they wanted to fuck her. Like, these were real friends. And they were like, oh, good. Like, you could see they were so nervous. Well, that's normal, though. It's funny shit. Those things where they try to measure deception. I almost said the shittiest joke. What would be that?

So that's where Amy Schumer got that idea. Oh, how dare you. What would be that? So that's where Amy Schumer got that idea. Oh. How dare you. I'm glad you let that go. I'm glad you lobbed that out there. I tried, though. I tried to watch Conan last night. I haven't seen Conan in over a year and a half. And I was like, is this show even still on?

You can't find it on Hulu. You can't find it on Netflix. None of this shit. Still on TBS. Yeah. That's crazy. Bill Burr's there once a month. Yeah, what do you mean?

Bill Burr's the reason I watch Conan. No, I mean, a lot of people have cut their cable, including myself. I've had it for two years now. And you rely on Hulu and stuff like that to watch everything. It's not on any of those things? No. Well, you would think they would make some sort of a deal. No.

I watch Conan on, I've never watched Conan live. I watch it on YouTube. Yeah, there's a lot of that for sure. Bill Burr murders Conan. Yeah. Well, Conan knows him, so they know what to do. He gives Burr these, Burr would just give these wide paths for Burr to ramp. I love Burr.

Last night, Burr, he is one of my favorite new comics that I just got into within the last couple years. Like, I could watch that guy forever. He's one of the best ever. He's one of the best ever. Right now, Bill Burr is one of the best ever. He's really good. He's really good.

He's really tucked in. His comedy's real original. It's really him. It's authentic very authentic and he's saying he's saying some fucking

some controversial shit you know and he's going out there and uh it's interesting that's why even his cartoon is awesome because just hearing him

fucking I love it dude don't even hey don't even get me started so I go so Bill and I text him back and forth

like hey we should hang out. Not podcast, hang out. It's one of the flaws I think I have is that I look at everything as work. Bill goes, no, no, no, no, no. If you want to hang out, we'll fucking hang out. I'm not going to podcast. So we're great. So we have a cigar over at my place, cocktail, shoot the shit, have the sunset, go out and

go to work. So the girls go, do you want to do something? I said, no, my buddy Bill's coming. It's the day Tom Segura's special comes out. So I got Netflix up. I go, as a matter of fact, oh, this is a cartoon. Girls, you like cartoons?

Why don't you guys watch? This is my buddy Bill. He's coming over tonight. Let's take a look at it. First thing is like, these cocksucker motherfuckers. And Isla looks over and she's like, are we allowed to watch this?

And I was like, fuck it. Your mom's not here. Let's watch it. So we watch the pilot, right? Leanne comes in and says, what are you guys watching? And I go, okay, it's got bad words in it, but it's not like sexual or anything. And so we show Leanne.

Leanne says, she sees an article on NPR that says, kids being around cursing is okay. It's actually very healthy for them to hear cursing. It's when kids don't hear cursing that they believe the world is different they believe the world's fucked up so then like they live in this bubble and then they do hear cursing and it fucks them up in in return and so whoa so yeah and so leanne's like you know what let's watch it so we watched it what an interesting concept but totally makes sense how that makes sense did you hear cursing when you were a kid yeah oh fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And it's just these new age, I'm going to say Christian, I believe in God, but like whatever, like, hey, cursing is not around children. But you think it's a new age Christian thing? I didn't know one parent when I was a kid that didn't curse. Didn't drink, smoke in front of their kids and curse. But that was my whole life. But I grew up in the South. Well, I guess it's trying to preserve in front of their kids, and curse. That was my whole life, but I grew up in the South. Well, I guess it's trying to preserve the innocence of the kids.

Is that what it is? I guess. Yeah, but they're just words, right? It's just words. Why shouldn't the kids be able to say that right away? What do we give a fuck? Why do we have to behave different than the kids do? It teaches them boundaries.

It says this is what dad can do. You can't do that. Right. When you become a certain age, you can earn that, and you can do it. But boundaries it says this is what dad can do you can't do that right when you become a certain age you can earn that and you can do it but how go ahead yeah but what if like a kid says like pussy hole that you don't want kids saying pussy holes you know brian they'd have to live in your house to hear pussy hole like well they could come up with it on their own it's not like pussy holes from a single origin right how many different people all over the world said pussyhole in a hundred different languages none of them aware that somebody in greece had already claimed that nomenclature

but the but so we ended up watching it and then bill came over and bill's like and we were at episode three he's like you haven't let him see episode four yet if you i go no he goes god don't let them fucking see it but what's so crazy is like we're sitting in the kitchen and my daughter walks in she didn't give a shit about celebrity that doesn't mean anything but she heard bill's voice and went like it was like creepy and i was like yo george this is the guy you've been listening to all day this is the dad from that show she was like like she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she was hearing the cartoon guy's voice wow i thought that the dad from that show. She was like she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that she was hearing the cartoon

guy's voice. I thought that was cool. But that show is F is for Family, is it? And it's so fucking funny. It's really good. I want a cartoon so bad. Why don't you make one? You can. I need that.

Stan Hope's calling. Put him on speaker. Stan Hope, you're on Stan Hope's calling. Put him on speaker. Stan Hope, you're on Rogan's podcast. You're on speaker. I know, yeah. Oh, there's a slight delay. We're watching a live. I go, watch Karcher's face.

See if he notices his fucking phone vibrating in his pocket. You know what? There's a delay. Kill a volume. We'll pause it. Can you pause it? Can we pause the show? No, no, no. No, he's talking to Jay Lee. Just all stand still. Stand still, guys.

I texted Rogan a picture of you in the funhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got it. Here it is. Is this me hammered? I just texted a picture of us watching you in the funhouse. What's going on? We came in late.

Chad Shank said he's been watching it since the beginning. He goes, they mentioned my name. He can't hear us. Yeah, he can. Oh, I hear. It's on speaker, but here. Go ahead. Do you hear us, Doug? It's on speakerphone. He should be able to hear us. Yeah, he can. Oh, I hear. It's on speaker, but here. Go ahead. Do you hear us, Doug?

It's on speakerphone. He should be able to hear us using speakerphone. Oh, he's watching. Oh, yeah. Hang on. We paused you. You're the only one that can talk to him. Here, talk to Joe.

You just do it. Well, I'm just saying you're the only one that can talk to him. Douglas. Yes, sir. We have a shitty way of communicating here. We've got to figure out a better way to do this. Because you can only hear us when we're really close to this phone. You're not wired into anything.

So we have to pass the phone around for you to hear us. Unless you're like... The speakerphone works pretty well. I was just trying to fuck with Chrysler, thinking he'd probably forget to turn his phone off for the podcast. Done, Doug. No, nobody ever turns it off. They turn it over.

We're too addicted to turn it off. Nobody turns shit off. It's too... You never know. Someone might get in contact with you. What the fuck's going on in the desert, son? Yeah, he did. Day two of Bingo's disappearance.

I don't know if Burt talked about that early. Yeah, he did. Yeah, day two. At the end of it, she calls and reveals her location. Whoa. So, yeah, well, it ain't over. It still has to be the, what's it going to be? Is it going to be him or is it going to be me?

Whoa, no gunfight. Don't do that. No, no, no. No duels. The guy and I are cool. So you and the guy are cool. Go ahead. So you're hopeful that it's all going to work out?

It'll work out one way or the other. I just hope it works out in my favor. Well, we agree. All right, well, go back to your podcast We're gonna go back to the podcast Alright, brother Have fun out there I love you, I'll talk to you soon I love you too, buddy

See ya Hey, uh The, uh Everyone check It's Doug Stanhope Don't be scared to tell your friends you love them Everybody out there I said I love you to Doug when I said goodbye

I said I love you to everybody I like how Doug sold his podcast And coming up at the very end We find out what Bingo did And where she is You can check it out on iTunes His podcast is so fucking good You heard the one

I laid in bed one night on the road And I was like I'll listen to Stan Hope And Chad and Chaley and Brian Hedigan Sounds like fucking Nanny McPhee I love Brian He's a smart dude Stanhope and Chad and Chaley and Brian Hedigan sounds like fucking Nanny McPhee. Just, oh! I love Brian. He's a smart dude.

He's a smart dude. I like talking to that guy. Me too. But they, I listened one night and I was like, I'm just going to go to bed. And it's like the Doug and Bingo breakup episode. I was like, I'm pouring and making a pot of tea. Guess I'll be listening to this all night. I mean, Esther Koo, did you know this? This is 100% true.

I found this out the other day. Esther Koo, on the end of every single one of her podcasts, masturbates. And just records herself masturbating while she's doing her tour dates and stuff like that. And it's legit, because you could hear like a... and stuff like that. Like, it's... on my episode

that I was on, she masturbated and came 17 times at the end of the podcast. No joke. So while you were podcasting with her, she was playing with herself? No, what she does is she records a podcast, and then after I leave, then she masturbates and goes, well, that was a lot of fun. And then she comes, and she comes really fast,

because she can make herself come really fast. She's a sex addict. She's a sex addict. Geez, I guess so. Did you hear the episode she did it on Opie and Jim? No. That's pretty good.

She's like, yeah, I can make my self-cum in 20 seconds. And they're like, you know, Jim's like, oh, I'd like to see that. So she goes in the little booth, I think,

where mostly where all the producers are, Iraq is, and just masturbates on Mike. And you can see her. And she let Jimmy see it? No, she goes into the box so no one can see her. Oh. But she did it.

And I had heard about this end of the podcast. Good for her. I had heard about this end of the podcast before, and I asked her about it. She told me about it. She left my house. She did my podcast the other day. She left my house, and I was like, I'm just going to hear it for myself. It is. I mean mean it is legit not only but that but if she gets done having an orgasm and then just says okay columbus

ohio i'll be there the 22nd and the 23rd and it starts again and then it'll stop and then go okay remember how last week i said i lost my retainer well i found it and this will start again oh my god it really is it really is just to go, subscribe, but just cut to the very end. I didn't know about it. And then when I found out, I just was like, hey, let's watch porn and podcast. So she came to my podcast. We just watched porn. But it didn't work.

She didn't get it. I tried it. I tried. I got to get behind Brian's back on this one. It's a pretty legit podcasting episode. At the end of every one, it's like 20 times. By the end, it's like you're getting tired how crazy is that

it makes me horny though immediately it made me horny too I totally had to masturbate and look up Asian chicks how many people are jerking off listening to this podcast

right now there's a number definitely there's a number yeah right now how many you got like as soon as

we started talking or you guys started explaining how she masturbates that much how many dudes whip their dick out? I'll tell you. How many people went right to Esther Koo's Koo and the Gang, and just went to the, go to the Anthony Kumi one, go right to the end, last ten minutes? Go to mine. I'm here.

Oh, go to Brian's. Yeah, he's right here. What red band do? That's fucking rude. Yeah, how dare you? He just never invited me to be on it, and I just love that. She's just, he's, she's just always doing that doing it. No, it's Joe. It's pretty good No, Joe, let me pull it up for you. It's Joe. Let me pull you it up for you. It's really funny

I can't believe that Bert Kreischer is doing this against my will if it was up to me I would not listen for I find this offensive Esther Kuh and the gang. It's like the first one of my thing Is the one she does with auntie Kumi is actually a really good podcast But you just go right to the end. So I was already listening to it Holy shit. Oh My god Oh god Alright Oh my god Oh Yes Please

Just Oh god I'm gonna be in Vegas this week Oh my god Oh, God. I'm going to be in Vegas this week. Oh, my God. She just goes right into our dates. My house is the 20th, Friday and Saturday at the South Point Casino. Come out.

Oh, my God. Joe, it's... And by the way, she's got 12 minutes left of that. Yeah. What a good kid. It is. It is. But the best is when her going, I'm going to be in Vegas. What a good kid.

I got that from my friend Jimmy Dottilio when we were in high school. What a good kid. When a girl would be like a total pig, he'd go, what a good kid. I've always said that. I've always said that I've always said that that's like that's like one of the funniest things to say when a girl like does something incredibly ridiculous over the top

like that what a good kid what a good Esther Kuh is a good kid what a crazy girl she sleeps at the spas like the Korean spas. She just goes there and lays on the floor all night. Is that where she lives?

No, just when she's in town. When she came to L.A. last week. She just comes and goes to those things. Spas. She's a deep person, too. She's a very smart girl. Very smart. She's a very unusual person.

You talk to her, you get a different sort of personality. sort of a personality you know but those those like spas those Korean spas that's the one thing that I'm really worried that we're gonna lose in this sort of homogenization of the world like real ethnic shit like that never like a Korean spa where it's like old world everybody's taking their clothes off you're all gonna go through this crazy spa thing or the russians where they do the banya you ever seen that shit i've done it bro they're like oh you have done it right i've done it what is that like and then they get they go hot and cold they go back and forth right it's old school it makes you wonder it makes you really like separate what we called gay as a kid versus what was gay in the fucking

1930s yeah that looks gay on paper and dude you're naked He lays you on a fucking slab like you're at a morgue just starts washing your body takes birch bees Totally naked and he washes your ball sack never leg up leg on leg up hold on hold on The guy washes you washes yourashes your body. Your asshole? I'm almost certain he got my asshole. I'm almost certain he got my asshole. So with his hands, gloves or no gloves? Nope, nope.

I think he's got, I want to say he has birch branches or he's got, it's birch leaves. That's what they beat you with. And he's holding your asshole up with that? He literally, leg up, he gets on top of you, he cracks your back. It's fully, there's a place in New York, man, if you're next time you're in New York. Is he wearing clothes? He's not. He's not.

And he had herpes sores on his mouth. Oh my God. Wait, who? But then he just immediately was like, okay, get in the bath. And then you just go get in an ice-cold bath. Coldest water I've ever been in. Hop in, prickling on your feet, and then they get out. They put you in a room that's like, I'm in a ballpark, and I know this sounds make-believe,

but at like 200 degrees. It was the hottest room I've ever been in in my life. Oh, my God. It's not a sauna. It hurts your eyes, and it hurts to breathe. You stay in there for five minutes, then they come out, they wash you, they dunk you, they put you back in, and it's all about cleaning out your impurities. I got to be honest with you, man.

I walked out of that place feeling clean as fuck. A little violated, but clean as fuck. Wow. He was in a towel. That's all he had on was a towel. Oh. Well, why does it have to be a guy? Because-

He's got to be strong, probably. There's a place- Lift your legs up? What if you're a big giant dude? I'll tell you the name of the place. Well, why does it have to be a guy? Because... He's got to be strong, probably. There's a place... Lift your legs up? What if you're a big giant dude? I had a... I'll tell you the name of the place, so if people want to go, I follow them on Twitter. It is Old School Russian.

I know a little Russian, so I tried to talk to him when I got in there, and they were like, okay, and now that we became friends because of that. Yeah, they also like... You wouldn't want a woman in that position,hing a man like that no no I in San Diego There's this massage parlor where they clean you first and she like was lifting my legs up clean my asshole jacking me off Here you see what I'm saying like a girl would kind of be forced Into that sort of an environment if she had a wash guys assholes like there's there's gonna be a certain amount of guys that want more than you to just wash their dick and wash their asshole yeah

keep washing that it felt good though having somebody wash you like because i laid there and she washed me for like 20 minutes and it felt like oh my god i'm a baby again kind of it was like this weird feeling i hadn't felt in a while what What I'm thinking is that like having the, the girl removed from the equation takes out the sex aspect of it. That's why it's okay that the dude does it. Because if the sex aspect of it is there, like there's just a certain percentage of guys, they're going to try to fuck that girl. And so her job's like hazardous.

You know what I mean? Like if you don't want to fuck every other guy you wash all, and you're grabbing their legs and washing their balls and assholes, how many dudes are going to try to fuck you? Could you imagine that kind of a work environment? Imagine if your job was being at the counter at Chipotle, and you were the guy who says, what can I get you? You were the first guy on the whole at Chipotle. And you were the guy who says, what can I get you? You were the first guy on the whole chain of command.

I'll have one of them steak bowls. All right, dude. White rice or brown rice? What if you're that guy, right? Wait, what's going on here? What are you talking about? All I'm thinking about is a burrito. I was like, yeah, I need a lot of them.

I completely lost my train of thought as soon as you started laughing. Oh, my God. What was I saying before that? We were talking about women watching your balls. Oh, my God. I forget what I said. I'll tell you my theory. This may sound racist, but I'll say it out loud.

Anyway, I had a massage from a lady in Omaha who was black, and it was the best massage I ever got. And the reason I thought was, she's not attracted to me at all. I remember what I was going to say. What if you went to Chipotle? What if you worked at Chipotle, you were the first guy on the line, you were the first guy on the line, and you were the one who asked if you want a steak bowl

And 8 out of 10 people Wanted to fuck you 8 out of 10 people Tried to fuck you while you were at work Can you imagine That kind of pressure of having a job like that Or how much I'd enjoy work If it was a girl who was washing your asshole

And your dick 8 out of 10 guys So it's a ridiculous Job hazard like if it was a girl who was washing your asshole and your dick, eight out of ten guys are going to try to fuck her. So it's a ridiculous job hazard. Like if you had any other job, here's a better example. If you were a guy who changes tires at the local gas station, but everybody kept trying to fuck you. You'd be like, Jesus Christ, I'm tired of working here. I just want to change your tire.

That's all I want to do. Well, if you have a guy in a loincloth, and that guy's washing your balls and your asshole, maybe it removes any threat of sex. It is. It happens quickly. Russian dude. You don't get hard. It happens quickly. And I just tweeted it out,

guys. If you want to find it, it's Russian Baths, New York. Chad Shank just retweeted me. But it's Russian BathadsNewYork. And why? And I'm telling you when I say this, and I agree 100% with what you're saying. I don't think they're going to disappear because in our country, we respect, I'm going to say minorities,

but we respect minorities not wanting to be a part, like wanting to have their own thing. We just don't respect it with white people. not wanting to be a part, like wanting to have their own thing. We just don't respect it with white people. So forever, we're going to allow Russians and Koreans and Japanese and Asians to have their own little secret separate towns where you can't do their shit

because we go, as America, we're oversensitive. We go, no, no, no, no, no. We got that. If you want to be a part of our clubs, you can do that. We don't even give a fuck about your clubs. Because you're never, no one's ever, there's karaoke spots. I don't know if you've ever been in koreatown yeah they're fucking amazing you get a private room with private like literally your

own screen and your own video where you and a bunch of families could go in and do your own karaoke and it's so much fucking fun i've done it in japan and it's it's a blast but you can't go if you're white in america what they won't let you in man and if they let you in they treat you like shit until you leave but in America we're totally going to allow that we're going to allow that forever it would be racist for us not to allow that for us to say how dare you

you need to let whites in they'd just shut it down they'd find another place to do it and they wouldn't tell us about it I'm telling you when I say this He's wish that wasn't the case like I Like the fact that those places exist and that it's like their culture, but why not let other people go visit your culture Why get mad why I want to kick white people out dare. I say it's natural Yeah, because I mean dare you say how dare you that's i picked that up from you you say how to do but listen think about it we didn't want black people to be in our country clubs or jews yeah i'm not saying me personally but i'm saying aren't my people but it was forced

on them however in korean spas they don't want white women just walking in and just getting undressed with tattoos they'd fucking kick you out but a lot of korean spas let white women just walking in and just getting undressed with tattoos, they'd fucking kick you out. But a lot of Korean spots let white women in. Not with tattoos. What? Dude, Margaret Cho has a whole chunk. I've heard her talk about it. No kidding.

Yeah, it's shameful. I know that's the way in Japan, because they have those things you put over your arms. They wouldn't let me work out at the gym. See? Unless I had long sleeve shirts on. So my point is, and I'm saying this for conversation sake. I'm not saying it as a point of view, but is it natural? I mean, look at black churches.

You walk in as a white guy. A lot of times everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing here? You go into an all black church and you're just going, I just want to praise God with you guys. Then they're like, okay, I mean, I guess we have to let you in. We can't kick you out. So I think what you're saying, like you go to these Russian we have to let you in we can't kick you out so i i think what you're saying like you go to these russian bass plays you walk in as a white guy they literally like not speaking russian and they're literally like what the fuck are you

doing here is that natural it exists so often it would be a hard argument to say it isn't natural because there's so many versions of it so many yeah it's not that it's the right choice or that it's ultimately the way people are going to think and behave. But to have it exist and to have it be natural, I mean, it's obviously natural. It's so common. Yeah. It wasn't so common. If nationalism and racism on that level wasn't so common, it's more of a nationalism even than it is a racism.

There's some countries that are fiercely loyal to their country. They don't want anybody else in. They don't want to with you australia was like that for a long time was it really yeah you could uh asians couldn't uh immigrate i only know this i wrote a paper in high school or college but you asians they wouldn't allow asians in it's changed i'm not saying australia is like that now but then the second question is okay so we've we've said that it's that it's natural. Then what is the difference? I personally don't want those Russian baths and those Korean spas. I don't want anyone to not have their own shit.

If you want to have it in this country, you should have it. I totally agree. Now, there's personally nothing I've ever grown up with in my life that I have that is just white male. So I've never really had that experience. Although as a child, I would go into the country clubs and you'd see just old white men playing thing but like so i don't think it'll go away but then my question is why do these liberals take away everything that is liberals take away one thing man but then the stuff like the korean spa or the karaoke place or or the russian baths why don't they go in and protest them? Well, because the idea is that these small communities, they retain a bit of their homeland,

a bit of their past, a bit of their culture in these areas. And if you are a progressive person, the idea is that you're supposed to allow that kind of thinking because it preserves this unique culture. I agree. It's kind of delicate. And it is delicate because the kids that are assimilating into our culture, the children of their children that are assimilating into these cities, like if they're first and second generation immigrants, they eventually become Americanized. And these cool things like the Russian bathhouses or the Korean bathhouse, the banyas. And there's a bunch of them, right?

Aren't there a bunch of different like cool ethnic little things that people do? That would be a show. I'd watch that on Viceland or on Travel Channel. It's kind of interesting, right? It's interesting to see all the different ways that people do things. And if we start putting targets and Kmart's all across the world and that becomes everything and we all learn each other's language and everything slides into one set of rules for the whole planet like yeah probably won't be as fun I mean I never really had a culture so to speak because I was we were

transplants from the north into Florida so like I never was southern my parents from New York and Philly like I never felt southern so I never like got attached to the we born in Florida I was born in Florida but it does I never I owe my parents were very liberal that's why we didn't grow up saying the n-word we didn't have a rebel flag in front of our yard so I don't have any like I always feel I always say this a lot I never have any civic pride nor do I have any culture other than like Irish. You know, I grew up like Irish was the thing. Right. So I would never want to lose the authenticity of Koreatown or Chinatown or even the exclusiveness. Like going to a Korean restaurant, one of my buddies is Roy Choi.

I haven't talked to him in forever, but we used to live next. He's the chef. I think't talked to him in forever, but we used to live next. He's the chef. I think you've had him on the podcast. And he took us. He does the Kogi taco truck. I had him on the podcast? Yeah. No.

No, you did 100%. You think Eddie Huang? Nope. He came in with Eddie Huang, but Roy Choi is a very famous chef. One of the most famous chefs in LA right now. What episode was this? Type in Roy Choi, Joe Rogan. I promise you because I watched it.

And I was like... So he was with Eddie? Yeah. No? No. He was. No, I'm 100% certain. Well, I bet... Fight. Fight. I bet Google's right. Nope. I'm 100% certain. Eddie Wong came in one time with the guy that was in that movie of the interview. I'm going to go to the mats on this one.

I'm looking at it right now. I just Googled it in. And you're wrong. So, okay, guys. Bert's going to be racist. Bert Kreischer is going deep, and he's taking chances with his predictions. He's challenging young Jamie on the air. Roy Choi.

I think we got a little too high before this show. Joe Rogan. I'm going to be honest with you. We got a little ridiculous. Roy Choi. Did I misspell it? Roy Choi. Joe Rogan experience with Brian Stan.

What? No, that's definitely not true. It says Roy Choi. I promise you. Well, Brian Stan was definitely by himself. Right? Can someone please just tweet the fucking answer to me? Because I promise you I saw it.

Probably should make these people do the work when you're not doing the work. Because I'm too fucked to do that. But I promise you he was in here one time. That's how high I am. I know he's wrong, but I'm like, God damn, is he right? Roy Choi. Fucking Jamie. Roy Choi created the taco truck craze.

He's good friends with Anthony Bourdain. Sorry. Maybe you're spelling it wrong, racist. Whoa. How dare you. How dare you cast upon him a moniker that cannot be shaken. So anyway, I don't even know where I was going with this point. Do we have any more wine?

It's getting hot in here. We have all sorts of different types of alcohol, but we're probably out of wine. Are we out of wine, young Jamie? Jamie's going to find out. But I don't know where my point with this is going. Oh, he took me and my wife to Koreatown to go eat Korean barbecue. Because he wanted to teach us real Korean barbecue, like what they eat, not the kind that we believe it is.

And it was interesting. We went in there and no one spoke. Not only were there any white people, no one spoke English at work there. And so we actually were complete and total tourists in our own town and just sat and watched him order. And he just was like, don't worry. And it was a really fascinating

experience would i want that place to ever go away never in a million fucking years i want those places to last as long as son of a bitch champagne motherfucker brought out champagne something fancy god damn is this is this because you're wrong did a motherfucker have a birthday uh it's but uh but like i i believe in that i don't but i i but then again on the same liberal side of the fence because i am a maybe i'm a libertarian or whatever i am i'm a liberal i'm a conservative liberal you're conservative liberal yeah what are you liberal about like gay rights every rights all rights all human rights all female gay rights transgender you name it i don't want you to feel like shit if I can help that.

That's my job as a comic. My only goal is to make people laugh. Why would I ever want anyone to feel bad about their day? That's not my MO. Beautiful. And what are you conservative about? Like blacks. No, I'm kidding.

No, the right to tell that joke to you. Yes. Because that's what I'm conservative about. Well, is that conservative anymore? Yes, it is. Is it still conservative? Is it conservative value to be able to express yourself in a way that would be offensive? Did you see that recent ruling? Young Jamie, pull this up.

It's kind of interesting. The court ruled against this idea that there should be laws against... Calm down, Brian. He's about to release the Kraken. He's going to open this cork. And Brian is terrified. I'll burp it. Like he's never been to the gun range.

No, I've had one of those hit me in the eye before. Oh, there you go, Brian. You are partying with the wrong people, son. I want you to mix it into that wine and make a fine rosé, a Zinfandel or some shit, a wine cooler. Oh, look at that bad bitch. That's like a watermelon lime cooler. Bartles and James. Bartles and James.

Peach. Strawberry, right? Peach and strawberry. I'm not drinking. Double it up, motherfucker. I can't drink during the day. I'll take one of the gin. Hey, listen. What? I'm fucking hammered right now. I can't drink during the day. I'll take one of the gin. Hey, listen.

What? I'm fucking hammered right now. Yeah, we're all hammered. We're all stoned, too. You just said you would take it on the chin after giving a story about a man massaging him. No, that's not what he meant. I'm really let down on the internet not backing me up with this Roy Choi thing, and I'm starting to think Jamie's right. Well, I'm pretty sure he's right.

He's not right. He's right almost all the time. Is that racist? It might be. Is that racist? It's just a gong. Can we get away with a gong before anybody gets mad? David Cho?

Is that who you're thinking of? No, it's Roy Choi. I want to fucking call him. Oh my God. There's nothing. It's Roy Choi. He was in here. Sorry, son. I'm looking at all the. This is Roy Joy. He was in here. Sorry, son.

I'm looking at all the Eddie Wong episodes. Especially if he was in here. He wasn't in here. Sweetie, it's okay. Jamie. I'm sorry. I mean, this is the only place I've worked here. It was in this building, and I pretty much remember every single one.

It would have to be super old school, like to the point where I don't remember it anymore. Last time you were on the show, we drove home together together or the time before, and you talked about your friend. So it must have been within the last three months then. I only know this because he's done Bourdain. He's done Bourdain. You have a brain tumor. Something's going on in your brain. Yeah.

Are you dehydrated? He's done Bourdain's show, and he's done your podcast, and he'd do neither for me. So I remember going like, Bourdain, I get it. Why wouldn't you go on with Bourdain, one of the done your podcast and he'd do neither for me. So I remember going like, like at Bourdain, I get it. Why wouldn't you go on with Bourdain? One of the greatest people on television for chefs. But I was like, podcast wise, like I was like, I was like, and I get why you do Joe, but like throw me a bone, Roy.

Like we were, he's a good guy. He's a great guy. But his, uh, I'm, no, I don't want to get removed from the podcast. Eddie Huang. And Shane Smith. I guarantee you. Let's maybe, hold on. No, no, no, no. podcast Eddie Huang Shane Smith Go to the video Was there another Asian guy in here with them? No, son of a bitch

It was the dude from I love that dude He was from that show The show off Off the boat What was it, Off the Boat? Fresh off the boat Okay, I know what I it, Off the Boat? Yeah, and he's the only TV show. Fresh off the boat. Fresh off the boat.

Okay, I know what I'm doing tonight. It's no big deal, dude. You could be wrong. I think you're wrong. Don't attach your whole life to this. It's just too hard to win at everything in life. You've got to let certain losses, they're going to come your way, and you've got to regroup, and you've got to pick up the paces.

Paces? Paces. Pick up the pieces and move on with your life for christ i'm a bigger fan of your podcast than you are of your podcast person i watch all of them joe rogan how could you ever say that the joe rogan forum is not saying anything either so david cho found it i don't even think anybody named roy has been on the podcast he came on with david cho yep he did yeah he's right's right here. David has been on a few times. Maybe he came to one of the Ice House Chronicles?

Was it an Ice House Chronicle? Nope. I'm going through this whole fucking thing. Was it on David's show? I did David's show once. If it was 592 with David Cho, it was the one episode I wasn't here. Oh, shit. Could have been the one episode, but Jamie wasn't here.

He was on 563. That can't be that. Dum, dum, dum, shit. Could have been the one episode where Jamie wasn't here. He was on 563. That can't be that. Dum, dum, dum, dum. You sure it wasn't David Cho's podcast when Joe Rogan was on that podcast? No. Could have been. I think that makes more sense. Number 592.

This is horrible podcasting. No, it's not. I have a hard time believing we've actually done 750 podcasts. I was on 592. 76, it's not. I have a hard time believing we've actually done 750 podcasts. I was on 592. 769. 769. 69, bro. You've done 769 podcasts?

Indeed. Preposterous. It's great, man. I like what you did. And I don't know. I think I may have told you this one night. Fucked up. I'm very envious in the sense of what you've done.

Only that I could not begin it now, what you did is you kind of took the renaissance to yourself and you allowed people that think differently than you to come to you and talk to you, and you got to kind of soak in their information like a sponge. As a stand-up man, that is like, that's what we all should be doing. Instead of just sitting around and going,

what does this guy think about airplanes? You know you know what i mean you really kind of broaden the spectrum of what you want to talk about on stage and i i remember hearing chris rock say that he got invited to cornell wallace's house for sunday dinners and right before he did his most monumental hour and he was like you know it was really cool i didn't say anything i just would sit and listen to all these great cor Cornell Wallace or West? Cornell West. My bad. Hey, Bert, Roy Troy was an episode of Getting Dug With High with Horatio Sands.

Oh, Horatio and me have often been confused. Racist! There's no way. Am I thinking of Getting Dug With High? Yes. Yes, you are. Are you serious? Yes.

Yo, it happens. Let it go. Okay. Just embrace the loss. Take it on the chin. Move forward. Soldier on, sir. It's no big deal.

Bert won't admit it. Look at him. Very competitive. Very competitive. Yeah, it's getting Doug with a high. You know, you realize Doug's competitive Or Bert's competitive I'm not competitive at all

I'm the opposite of competitive No you're not I'll let you walk all over me Before I try to beat you No no no 100% I shot skeet shoot with Bert He's very competitive

Don't let him lie to you When he plays pool Very competitive You're a secretly competitive guy You don't want people to know you're competitive because competitive people are aggressive, and aggressive people make people uncomfortable, and uncomfortable people are assholes. Right? Fuck.

Yeah. So you're secretly competitive. Save that file and make it my ringtone. Secretly competitive. People who are openly competitive are also open to a lot of criticism. So you're secretly competitive. Blocked a motherfucker today. He's really good at skeet.

He's good at shooting those clay pigeons. Way better than me. Yeah, he cheats on his Fitbit, too, because he knows that our accounts are connected. So he just, like, sits and goes like this real fast for the steps. Oh, just to fuck with you? No, I put on my dog.

Put it on your dog's dick and give him a stuffed animal I had a buddy of mine in high school And he had this fucking dog It was the most ornery little dog Like a little poodle Little type fucking thing And this thing would fuck stuffed animals

And it had a stuffed animal That was his girlfriend And he would bite this stuffed animal in the neck And drag it around And he would just fuck it It's weird when girl animals still hump because this is a buddy of mine joe spagnoli did you know that girl animals still hump because it's still in their dna it's not it has nothing to do about like sex what do you mean it's like it's like uh it's supposed to be like dominate like i'm dominating this other thing oh like a girl will get on top of a dog and like, right.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally, man. They do that to dominate them. That's fucked up, right? Yeah. They're like, they mimic fucking to dominate.

A female do that. It's funny. My wife withholds it to dominate. That's what they do. That's what they do. That's what they do. God damn it, Bird. It's a goddamn shell game. It is with me right now.

You ever see the female hyenas? No. They have dicks. Hold on. You ever seen a hyena up close? No. I don't even think I've seen one at the zoo. Maybe I've seen one at the zoo.

Fucking massive. Oh, they're big animals. It's like 200 pounds, right? It has to be bigger I saw one up within 5 feet of it And I literally said If that thing rolled through your neighborhood You'd think it was a fucking werewolf It's one of the most powerful bites

Of all the mammals too Incredibly powerful jaws Low hindquarters Almost like a gorilla Bared up. Brian Callen told me this fucking story once about this, I guess, I don't remember if it was a guy or a girl,

but they were, you're getting a third-hand, stoned version of this story, but someone was training hyenas, and they rolled their ankle, and they had a limp. And as soon as the hyena realized they had a limp, even though they the hyena realized they had a limp even though they had trained this hyena the hyena attacked them and took a chunk out of their calf

just clamped down and bit them and they had to fight it off and it couldn't help itself it saw her like limping and it's instincts took over just kicked in even though like this person was trained i remember it was a guy or a girl if they were training this fucking hyena like when the shit hit the fan when the hyena saw a limp it's nature it's it's like programming kicked in that's nuts man like the nature nurture argument i guess it didn't work on hyenas fuck no man, man. These things are monsters. Monsters. They're fucking, they're really weird. It's a weird animal, man. The females are bigger than the males.

Look at them. Dude, come on. That's not an avatar animal. That's a real animal. That is a total goddamn avatar animal. Living in Africa with lions. Look at that cock. It might not be a cock. It might be a female cock. The babies come out of those things too, dude.

That's what's crazy. The babies come out of their dick? Yep. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I might be so hot. That's so funny. You might be making this up. Is that used as the same as a cock, or is it just like a woman?

A female has a pussy boner sometimes. It comes out like a clit, and it's long and hard. No, no, no, no, no. It's called a faux penis. I think it's the only mammal that has a faux penis. I don't know if any reptiles or fish have one, but it's a fake penis. And that fake penis is also where the babies come out. So if it's a female, the female has sex.

I don't know how the fuck she has sex. Can we not see the birth? How do they has sex. Can we not see the birth? Can we not look at the birth video? If the baby comes out of there, where does a male have sex? Jamie, investigate. Where does the male stick his dick into? Jamie, I know this. It's called docking.

Hyena giving birth on safari. Jamie, Google male docking. Oh, Jesus, Louisa. What happened? What happened? I missed it. She's watching a lot of baby stuff come out of her pussy hole. Pussy dick. You can't say pussy if it's an animal because you look like a creep.

Oh, it just comes out in a sack. If you say animal's pussy, you seem like a real creep. Yeah, but vagina even sounds worse. Look at that fucking sack. Oh, good golly. Look at that thing. What a weird animal. And what a harsh, harsh fucking place to live.

Did you see that picture I posted on Instagram the other day? Somebody posted it on the message board, and I found it on the Google. Or I copied and pasted it. I don't remember which one it was, but it's a lion with a... Whoa. Is that the female fucking the male? Or mating? This is an actual mating.

Mating hyenas at the zoo. Oh, my God. So that's where we got it. Oh, God. What in the fuck? By the way, my wife gives that same face sometimes. Wrap it up, big boy. People are watching.

This is horrific. Oh my god, he's going to town. He's going yard on that pussy. But it's almost like he's barely alive. This is like he's trying to climb a fence and he can't quite get over it. It doesn't look violent. It looks like he's a dying person trying to make it over a fence. And the noises he's making, it sounds like he's a dying person trying to make it over a fence and the noises he's making it sounds like

Esther Koo and he checks after he shoots his load in there he starts licking her oh he cream pied disgusting and she's just frozen there look at her she's like what just happened that never happened before

what just happened you gotta think that's probably the first time She's ever been fucked Right That hyena That the female No No She's been being fucked

Since she was a pup I promise you that I don't mean to sound racist About hyenas But I have a feeling They're fucking monsters But don't they have rules In the hyena community

No When you can fuck your kids No They all fuck kids Manatees Right now I'm gonna get hate mail. What would you pick? Ready?

Safari with your children. Right? Full safari. See all the animals. Or hunting trip. One of the good ones where it's conservative and the money goes back to the people. I don't want to go hunt in Africa. I can't imagine any

conservation argument that you could ever make, which is like one of the most important arguments for hunting. I can't imagine any conservation effort you would make where it's like to get your meat, you're going to get in a plane, and you're going to fly across the ocean. It's going to take you 16 hours, and then you're going to kill something over there, and then you're going to bring it back on a plane all the way to California or all the way to Michigan or wherever you live.

Like, to me, the only reason why I'd be going over there is because I enjoyed hunting, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I haven't crossed into that yet. Yeah. Like, I'm not into... I shouldn't even say yet, because I don't think I ever will. I'm never going to shoot a lion. I shouldn't even say yet because i don't think i

ever will i'm never gonna shoot a lion i don't want to shoot anything i don't want to eat i don't want to go i just don't i don't have a desire to like go and shoot something that i would never bring home and eat like those those things are sort of they don't make any sense to me i get the i get how they need to happen like you knowimbabwe, this is an article recently about the Cecil the Lion thing. It's kind of fucked up. They're going to cull 200 lions in Zimbabwe because hunters aren't going there anymore. So they have this, they have too many lions. So because they have too many lions, the cows, the undulates, the wild animals that they have roaming around through the fields,

apparently they're getting devastated. So their solution is to go out and cull 200 lions, which means they're going to shoot them. Not only is it not going to give them any money, but they're going to have to pay money to someone to go out there and find these lions and shoot them. So it comes at a deficit. Zimbabwe Park to cull 200 lions, sight lack of hunters.

So since there's... Look, it's not... See, again, I'm not saying that you should go hunt a lion. I would never. I have no interest in killing a lion ever. No interest. However, let's ballpark it. $50,000 for each lion.

So if they're going to do 200 lions, it'd be... What is that? $10 million? Damn, this is hurting my D-lines. No, it's not that much. $10 million. It's a million, right? Two million? No, it's $10 million.

Wait a minute. How many people is it? How many? It's $50,000. And how many lions? 200. Yeah. So if it was 100,000 lions and it was 100 hunters, it would be... $100,000.

Brian, do the math real quick. It's $10 million. It's $10 million. It's $10 million, guys. It was Roy Choi. It's $10 million. It's 200 lions at $50,000 a lion.

So they missed out on all that money. $10 million that could keep the pride healthy. How is it $10 million? Because if it's $100,000 and there's 100 lions, isn't that... No, $100,000, yeah, it's $10 million. Motherfucker! I hope they're drinking and partying with us. Oh, for sure people are.

I just think like- I might be the dumbest person at math that's ever lived. It's like sports. I'm in the top three dumbest people at math. Yeah. Sports and math. I just had a visual. This should be a sketch.

Joe with his daughter doing math and her going- I'm like, I don't fucking know. And then him just stopping to go, want to learn an arm bar? This is what I learned when I was in high school. Calculators. They're always right. And we're not going to run out of batteries. So what you do is you go to a calculator.

And in my fucking brain, I was done, dude. Numbers were not even remotely important to me. done, dude. Numbers were not even remotely important to me. The quest for to calculate things, I get that it's a nice little game, it's a little puzzle for your mind, but it's not interesting enough

for me. Do you remember when they told you and you'll just carry a calculator in your pocket around all day, or are you going to learn how to do math? And you're like, I'll carry a calculator, stupid. Turns out I do! Turns out I got one and my wife has one on her wrist. How often did it come up? I mean, I knew how to carry the money.

If I worked at a register, someone gave you a 20, and $7.50 due back in change. You knew how to dish that out. I always fucked that one up. I would always go, so you gave me 20 bucks. You paid $16. Well, here's four, and then here's the change. I always give him a dollar extra. I never did the math of like three and then, or whatever math is.

It's so funny. Mathematics is a weird thing because it's the simple mathematics, like calculations, like addition, multiplication, division, stuff that you have to do in your head that everybody associates with math, like, oh, God, math's so boring. But then you get to weird math, like math that's kind of solving equations about, like, how big a black hole is and trying to figure out, like, gravity waves.

And they're doing a lot of that stuff with mathematics, and they're analyzing data and measuring and calculating and trying to figure out like the the way the fucking universe works and It's all with some strange math that you got to go deep deep deep deep deep in to get to that goodwill hunting shit They when they are like that blow Someone make one video of just explaining that kind of problem. And what's the deal with remainders? I don't understand.

I don't understand. You sound like the insane clown posse right now. And what's the deal with remainders? Magnets, how do they work? By the way, in a parallel universe, everyone's drinking at Doug Stanhope's house watching this. What a great fucking life this is. It's hilarious. Fucking magnets.

How do they work, bro? I got to credit Brian Poussin for fucking interning me onto that. He said that somewhere, and I heard him say that, and I fucking laughed. Dude, I got to say two things. Steve Agee is one of the funniest motherfuckers alive. That guy is so fucking talented. Next thing, MCT oil in your shakes. Don't put a lot or you'll poop yourself.

It's true. And die. Strong advice. I'm being dead serious. I put a teaspoon in. Tablespoon, tablespoon. Yeah, a couple tablespoons. You'll be fine.

Do you find that it binds to you longer? Binds to you? So I do my shakes. My shakes are like a dick load of kale, almond milk, your protein. How do you pack your dick? With a stick? When you get a dick load?

You wrap it around the outside? With baby powder. How do you do a dick load? I fill it all the way to the top of kale. Right. And then I push it down a little bit.

I put some frozen fruit in there, usually blueberries or something. do your uh hemp protein and then i do mean green from trader joe's and that's my shake okay but then i just heard you say somewhere that mct oil helps bind the proteins or helps bind the nutrients to your to your fat cells yeah and i believe rob wolf that told me that who the fuck told me that? One of those guys. So I was doing my shakes and I was noticing shitting like a wolf within two hours.

Before the MCT oil. I take the MCT. How's a wolf shit? Fucking right out of his ass. Right crazy? Like howls while he does it? Is it going to be quicker than a dog? Than a house dog?

Is there any anger involved? Dude, it's a wolf. He's got fucking predators. He's's a wolf he's got imagine predators he's got a pack he's got a hang with it fucking happens quick why are you using kale and mean green isn't that the same shit i don't know i would imagine wolf would take an angry shit like teeth glared just just shitting out quick because he doesn't want to feel vulnerable doesn't want some other wolf to come along and try to take the alpha spot. I agree.

I agree. What a brutal society. Can you imagine if you were a wolf and you just lived on a mountain and all you did is run around and bite shit? Chase things and your number one instinct is to chase things and chop at their legs. That's what they like to do like to run up behind cows run up behind elk Whatever you can get deer and they bite their legs bite their legs And they they'll chase them and they bite their legs again, and they'll take down a big-ass animal that way They'll take down a moose sounds like social justice warriors

Just biting the leg fuck yes, are you upset with social justice warriors yeah 100 what's going on i don't like when i see someone like kurt metzger who i find to be fucking hilarious when i watch people attack him based on based on some list of fucking demands they have like terrorists as opposed to the list of demands the list of demands? What did they do? This is a broad stroke. I know that Kurt almost lost his job on Amy's show. Amy saved him. Amy stood up for him. But because he did something. Kurt didn't want to talk about it, so I'm not going to talk about it.

Okay. I mean, maybe he did talk about it. I'm sure Kurt's been on the show. Yeah. Jamie's a motherfucker. But I don't know, man. I just find I just find I Just find that shit bothersome And I and I it looks like wolves just trying to bite until someone goes until some corporation goes he's been bitten That's all it's fucking weak. Let's eat it. This is what I think we have to really be careful about

We have to really be careful about and I mean us I mean as humans We got to really be careful about trying to get other people to think and behave the way we do. Yeah. Like once you establish like sort of a guideline of how we all want to be treated with each other, you're going to have disagreements. And if you believe one thing and I believe something that's different than what you believe, it can become a real problem if I decide to go after you for your belief and attack you for your belief and try to get you fired for your belief. Right? Yeah. That's where it gets weird.

And especially when it comes to something like stand-up, which requires a certain amount of offensive thinking. It requires. If you want stand-up that I'm going to enjoy, you've got to take some risks. You've got to be offensive. You have to be offensive in an honest way that is undeniable, especially in this era, because we're living in this era where we're supposed to pretend that certain differences don't exist

and diversity is the most important thing, but there's some hilarious differences. And it's one of the reasons why we like black comics, because black comics can shit all over white people, and it's just the same kind of funny, racist, racial humor, and it's totally acceptable. Yeah. Because white people have been dicks to black people for so long that it's just in the guidelines. If you go back to old Eddie Murphy or Richard Pryor bits, like they were great

and white people liked them. You know? It's like, it relieved a little tension to have him shit on white people. You know? Yeah. I like Cat Williams.

I still like Cat Williams. Fuck yeah. Dude, I want to tour with that guy. That guy is so, I love when he gets into a preachy mode. Dude. I like when he's sweating and his hair's fucked up and his shirt's soaking.

I love that dude. He's wild and, you know, he gets crazy sometimes and things go off the rails. Like yesterday. He's awesome. Did he go off the rails yesterday? Something like that. He punched some guy. Maybe that guy was talking shit.

Okay, I got your back, Kat. I'm on Kat's team right now. He's funny as fuck, man. I think he's one of my all-time favorite comedians. As far as when he's in the groove, when he's tucked and moving, and he's crushing it. He's a motherfucker, dude. He's a force of nature. Maybe you got broke-ass pussy.

Dude, Cat Williams is... He's a force of nature. When he's on, he's a force of nature, man. He's just so good. The thing is... Oh, shit. Challenges Kevin Hart to a $5 million battle and explains

Georgia arrest. How do you not love this? Oh, my God. I love him. Social media, boy, boy, I know what you do, but you do it for play play. If you do it for real, here it is, Kevin. I got a show at your hometown in philly i'm gonna take my special there on that stage we can put whatever you want

a full court basketball court a boxing ring two microphones for a rap cypher Two microphones for a rap cypher Or you can get your ass dusted in comedy on that stage But it's 1 million dollars up for each one. That's 5 million dollars. Mr. 28 million in Forbes I'll be bringing mine in cash Mitch Bring yours. However, you won't and since you a puppet, don't bring no white people with you then. Oh yeah! Fuck yeah! That's what I'm fucking talking about! You can take it all, or you can take it part and parcel.

Oh my goodness. This is the new movement. By the way, he's wearing a fur coat. He's wearing a fur coat, he made a heart sign. Dropped a heart over his face. He made a heart sign, he's standing in front of a Lamborghini, he just got out of a private jet. We make enough money to drink out of real glassware.

Oh, shit. Do you get that reference? He told them to give her the plastic cup. Do you get that reference? No. Okay. I love Kevin, by the way. Love Kat. Okay. Kevin did a comedy group with all the guys that tour with him, and all the guys that tour with him, they call themselves the Plastic Cup Boys. Damn, Daniel.

So he says, Fuck your plastic cup, boys. themselves the Plastic Cup Boys. Damn, Daniel. So he says, fuck your plastic cup boys, we drink out of real glass. Oh, I want to be black right now so fucking bad. Can't you just enjoy it on the sidelines without wanting to be a part of the actual culture itself? Nope. You know what I want to do? You know what I want to do? I want to be in that

world. I want to be in a fur coat. I'm going to recreate that, but I'm going to do it to Tom Segura. And I'm going to be like, but I'm going to do it to Tom Segura. And I'm going to be like, fuck your babies. We got real kids. 11 years old. Maybe you guys can have, like, you could reenact it. Sort of like how they reenact the Civil War. You guys can reenact the Cat Williams and

Kevin Hart comedy feud. If it were to really go down. He's got his jet going in the background. And he got into a Lamborghini, dude. First of all, whose Lamborghini is that and whose jet? And where'd you get the fur coat? If he's only bringing $5 million of his cash, he does not have enough to have a fucking jet. Well, he might.

He might. I mean, look, that guy can do giant places. Cat Williams, even though, like I said, he's gone off the rails a couple of times, he can still do giant places. He's one of the best comics in the world. 100%. Why has he not been on your podcast yet? I never met him.

Oh, dude. And he can't know where we work. Yeah. I'm just kidding. He rolls with Suge, too. I've met him twice. Dude, he's a... By the way, he's a legit hip-hop dude. He rolled... I think he went up against Cam'ron and Dip Squad

and had a rap battle against... I think someone got shot for it. Can you Google that, Jamie? I think Roy Troy was there. Jesus Christ. Man, he's a fascinating guy. When his stand-up is on,

it's just sensational. When he's sweating and pacing. It's just sensational. Do you know what my thing was? I'm good friends with Red Grant, which is one of his openers. Yeah. And he always paid the comics he worked with well.

He always treated them nice. That's so fucking important. He said something that I remember reading or watching, a video rather. And he was talking and it made total sense. And I didn't really consider it that much before. He was like, I never eat before I go on stage. I don't want to have uh any food digesting in my stomach and then i thought about i was like well what is it like

the like it could be like seven o'clock and it shows at eight like oh let me i gotta eat i gotta eat i gotta eat do you really like most of the time you don't like we're so spoiled like most of the time you can go like a long time without actually eating and you'll be fine it's like you have a little bit of a craving but it's almost too much for us to like I can't do this And he was saying that like eating before you go on stage It slows you down slows down you thinking because your body needs the energy to digest that food I'm like, of course it does. Yeah, of course it does and I remember that's This is several years ago. I remember as soon as I

Saw that video I was like that is how I'm gonna think about that from now on because before I was just thinking about the moment itself I'm like I could do it even though. I just ate I could be fine, and you can if you don't eat too much But eating right before you go on stage is probably a bad idea Those are when I used to work with Jay Moore. That was a buddy Hackett quote. What's this Jamie? Cat Williams talks signing with Camron. Camron, yeah, he worked with Dip Squad. Dip Set.

Dip Set. God damn it, Jamie. You can't say Dip Squad, dude. Is that racist? It's Dip Set. Dip Set. You're so racist. You're so racist.

You know what people love to do? They love to call you a racist so it takes any fucking focus off of their potential racism that's a big one i definitely couldn't be a racist but what you are did dip dip squad dip set you don't even know what a set is maybe you shouldn't be commenting on their culture there's a very big difference from being called a racist and doing something racist on accident oh yeah the both Both are possible. Like, I did something. No, but I mean, like, meaning, like, I've been called. Like, I've had whatever person go, that joke's racist.

And you're like, it's not racist at all. At all. There's no racism in that joke. And then I've done something racist on accident. And then realizing you've done something that is, in in fact hurtful is like, holy fuck. You're almost taking the real meaning of the word away from the word. Does that make sense? Well, you can't change the definitions of what racism is.

Yeah, but I think people lighten the load. I'll tell you the two examples. I used to have a joke. This is hacky. I'm going to just say it real quick. I used to say, you want to know something racist that was where on my flaw because people would hear that and assume i was about to say something racist right when in fact i'm about to say a joke and it was they don't make baby powder for black people like how racist is

that they should make eight different colors call it magic johnson and johnson's stupid joke black woman got upset stormed out of the date and funny bone literally i'm gonna protest now i did something racist one time where i walked into a but i didn't mean to do it i was i'm a big fan of opium anthony i think this will attest to anyone that's listened to opium anthony and uh one of the sayings they used to say on that was hello boys like it was like a saying from the show right uh and i rolled into a all black club in the eighth i think the eighth ward it's called bullets and i walked into the bathroom it was all black men i was a little buzz oh jesus and i just rolled but it was all old black men it was all old black men

oh no i know i know and i just walked in i went hello boys oh my god now you gotta understand my my my my usage of that Is based on Opie and Anthony Which was just to show that they had that Line in their opening trailer And so I wasn't I definitely didn't I would never in my ever Million years ever do something like that

However a black man grabbed me And pulled me aside So you don't say that word in here And I realized I did something racist And I went that feeling That racist and I went, that feeling, that heartfelt feeling I had where I went, I am like, literally almost to tears, like, I am so sorry. I have no idea

what that brings up in you. And I had no but I had no intention in it. That is the two differences where I go, don't throw that word around unless you're ready to throw the rock in the glass house. Well, that's a word you could easily throw around in a room full of white guys and you were thinking in a non-racist way.

Just walking into a bar. And you just let it out. You let it out because you would let it out all the time. But it's a perfect way to describe it. It's accidental racism. A hundred percent. I think we got a real problem with people looking for stuff that's racist that isn't though. A thing like that, you would have to find out who you are.

Like, who is this guy? Yeah. Like, this Burt Kreischer guy. You know? Is, like, has he done stuff? Is this funny for him? Does he think it's... Is he a boundary pusher guy?

Oh. Where he wants to go into a room full of black people and say some racist... Is this like Ari when he was doing The Amazing Racist? Remember that? Dude, that's the reason I know Ari. He's so crazy that's the reason i know ari that is that's a sketch you know that and then look and i've showed it to people since maybe times have changed from when i first saw that to went now yeah but when i saw the one the la migra one yeah i i'm gonna tell you i'll tell you when it was. It was like 2004.

I just had a kid and I was sitting up in my house having a bottle of Jameson. I was working with Jameson at the time. And I saw it and I'd seen Ari before and I giggled hard as fuck. I'm going to own that there was a time where that was funny. If it's not funny now and people hate it,

I giggled hard as fuck. It's still kind of funny. I mean, it's fucked up. It's definitely fucked up, but it's still kind of funny. What's more fucked up is the guy from fucking ShamWow owns all that shit. That is kind of fucked up. That's the most fucked up about all that is ShamWow owns all of that. What do you think he's making, Jamie?

Like 80 grand a month on those? What do you think he's making, Jamie? Like 80 grand a month on those? See, like your situation, like if they knew you, like anybody else knows you, then there would be no worry. It would be just I got drunk and I fucked up and I said the wrong thing. Yeah, I said the actual I just said the wrong words. But that isn't it interesting that that that thing where you did that, if they did know you and they knew you said the wrong words and they knew that, okay, this guy genuinely would have said this to a bunch of white people and he'd just slip of the tongue. I had listened to an Opie and Anthony and it was in my fucking repertoire of words to say when I walk in a room. But there's a giant difference between that and someone who walks in that bathroom with a decided intention to make those black men uncomfortable.

And he walks in there. There's a giant difference. However, there's no distinction between what we did. To them. Especially if they're like you, they've had a couple of drinks. Yeah. Like you're all at a bar, right? So maybe they could be a little tipsy too.

And you know, sometimes people are a little drunk and they misinterpret things or they're quick to look for an altercation. That could be a problem, too. The name of the bar was Bullets. I was there to see Kermit Ruffins. I was hanging out with him in his car. Nothing. I'm just thinking.

No, go ahead. But that is, in essence, like I remember just the guy pulling me aside and literally grabbing me not being nice about it but grabbing me saying you don't say those words here and I went whoa like I didn't grow up racist so I don't like to say boy it's a drunk mistake I did the same exact thing when I moved here

like the first six months I was at the comedy store I came up to a guy that I knew and I go hey boy and he goes what the fuck did you say i had no idea i'd never heard of the boy thing ever and i don't know where i got it from boy in ohio no and i i just didn't have racism in my family or anything really so i i never really was raised as some sort of a preserve religious amazing fence was up and it was like that... Remember that... Was it Joaquin Phoenix that had that fucking... The

M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong movie about those people that lived? The wall. The village. And there was planes that were flying overhead and they didn't know about the planes. Remember that? Yeah. It's one of those movies where you're at the end of the movie like, I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna fucking choke him. I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna fucking choke him

I'm gonna find you and I'm gonna choke you No, no, no, no, that's not a movie idea Son of a bitch who let you do this who let you spend so much money on this you fucker. It's New Hampshire They what no planes fly over them get the the fuck. They've never seen a plane. Get the fuck out of here. They just made it to the road in a day. They walked to the road in a day. What are the odds that some fucking hippies aren't going to find you decades ago?

Shut your mouth. In one day. In one day they're on the road. The same day. That's not far. How fast are you walking? They're in a Jeep Cherokee within 24 hours. So you're telling me you didn't even hear Harley's?

When Harley's ride down the road, you didn't hear that? Get the fuck out of here. Asshole face. That's what I want my compound to be like. Stanhope's compound's just like that. That guy knocked it out of the park with his first movie, though, Sixth Sense, which was another, like, twist. I think the twist was so good in that movie, it might have ruined him. Ari and I are talking about storytelling like that, the best stories you ever listened to.

When did you realize he was dead? Oh, spoiler alert. Oh, you son of a bitch. I never figured it out until now. Wait a minute, He was dead? The kid was dead? No. Oh, my God.

The guy was dead? Who was dead? Bruce Willis is dead. I'm kidding. Wait, when did you figure it out? When he said it. Like, when the kid and him were having the conversation towards the end of the movie. I was getting suspicious somewhere in there.

I was like, what the fuck is going on? This is like 2004. When did that movie come out? No, it was not 2004. It was probably 1998. 99? 99? Bam! Roy Choi was on this show, son.

Oh, we're full. I don't remember. I think it was towards the end. I think they were having a conversation together. But I was trying to figure out what the fuck was going on before that. I can tell you in the part of the moment of the movie

when he finds blood on his shirt, that's when I realized. Because I was, like, when he grabbed the red door handle, I was like, yeah, I don't know

what that fucking means. Why did she lock him out of that room? Does he not have an office anymore? Does he need to get an office? That was a great movie, man. But then the twist was so much of a part of the movie

that in his movies you would wait for the twist. You know, you try to figure out when is this twist coming. What's better, that or Usual Suspects? I think Usual Suspects is a goddamn classic. That's a classic. Wait, what do you mean? Which one's better, Sixth Sense or The Usual Smush? They're both great. In the reveal, though.

In the reveal. The two best reveals in the movie probably, right? Oh, in the reveal. I thought you mentioned the movie itself. In the reveal, the Sixth Sense is better. No, the movie is the reveal. The Kaiser Soze reveal is like a little like, what? All of a sudden

he's not limping. What about the Fight Club reveal? He just walks away. That one was the worst. That was the worst. I mean, I did not like it. People get mad at me for saying that. You don't even understand Fight Club, bro.

You don't understand. You don't understand what it stands for. Okay? Yeah. What about Memento? That was good. I'll tell you what. Butterfly Effect's probably the movie that hit the most.

Butterfly Effect. Ashton Kutcher. Did you actually watch that? Dude, it kind of fucked me up for a couple days. Did you have your pants on? Why did you watch that movie? I'm obsessed with time travel. You are?

Joe, like, if you ever have a time travel person in here, I just want to hang out and just listen. I'm obsessed with time travel. Is there a time travel person? It's like the Bigfoot guy, I think, does it also. Well, there was this one guy. I think it was the University of Connecticut. Roy Mallet? Ronald Mallet?

Ronald Mallet? Yeah. Ronald Mallet. He was a scientist out of the University of Connecticut and this is a crazy like Spiderman

story his dad died when he was young and he became obsessed with figuring out Ronald Mallet

he became obsessed with figuring out a time machine so he could go back in time and save his father and that's that's

what led him on this path to become like the world specialist in i mean he's like a legit credentialed you know respected intellectual and scientist and his his accomplishments is like he's been able to like try to keep keep track of and study time in a way that they're really thinking that there's going to come one point in time someday where they're going to be able to figure out how to travel back and forth through time. It's going to take a long-ass time, but one thing

that he learned was that he most likely will never be able to go back in time and save his dad. And so I think the idea, as it's been explained, if I remember correctly, is that you only can time travel back to the point where the first time machine was made. So if someone one day comes up with a time machine, say if that's like 100 years from now,

from that moment on, from the moment of the invention of the time machine to forever in the future, all those people can come back to that moment. So you're telling me the first guy that invents a time machine can travel back a second, then two seconds, then five seconds? No, even crazier. When the moment a first time machine is invented, all the people that have gone from, let's say a time machine gets invented, all the people that have gone from, you know, let's say a time machine gets invented in 2050. Okay. All the people from 2050 to as long as human life survives,

and as long as there's a power source, and as long as there's a computer grid, as long as there's some method of establishing information, all those people will be able to come back to that moment and any other moment in between. So time stops. There's no regular time. There might be regular time for you, but it becomes, it's only a matter of perspective because regular time for you is not going to matter anymore because people can come and go back to your time.

I wish I hadn't said this. As much as they want. But then here's another problem. Here's another problem. How much mass is contained in this one environment? And is it okay to bring in more mass? And what happens if you do? So if you have 300 million people in America right now, but a time machine gets invented,

people in America right now, but a time machine gets invented and then all of a sudden people from 2050 to 250,050 to whenever the fuck the next big asteroid wipes us out like the dinosaurs. You've got super, super far distance in the future people. Every day, every

person has the possibility and potential with technology to reach this moment right now. And what if they did all together all at once? Would we even have the space to contain them? Would we even have the space on this earth? We would have to regulate time travel at every second of every day from today on until the moment there's no... I can debunk this. Are you ready for me to debunk a scientist? I'm hoping you can do it. Here we go. Mic drop moment. Dear scientist who spent your whole life figuring this out, I just shot you down. So I built a time travel, me and Brian.

Our time travel consists of a bottle of champagne, a lighter, and a joint, right? I'm just saying simple, simple. A hot tub time machine, yeah. Stop. No. Brian, please don't join in on this. Can I handle this one on my own? No. So I'm this one on my own? No.

So, I'm just saying simple mechanics. Let's pretend that that's the time machine, right? So, we got it. All right, we invented the time machine. Got it. Oh, my God. Right now, we can travel back to that moment. Three days ago, we can travel back to this moment.

Or, three days from now, I can say to Brian, hey, our time machine really just consists of a bottle of champagne, a joint, and a lighter. Let's fucking send you back. You know the three things. Build one then. Come back to me now. Your idea is to get together with my Chipotle person and have sex and have a baby that makes no sense. You guys, there's no time machine ever going to be built because we're in a simulation.

Stop, Brian, Brian, Brian. People are in a simulation. A bottle of champagne, bro. Donald Trump is president. Cats and dogs living together. We're a simulation program. Time machine doesn't matter. Bert's idea is Back to the Future 3, basically.

Is that what it is? Yeah. Fuck off, Jamie. Jesus Christ. Jamie's shutting your shit down. Non-stop. What did I do to you? Did I interrupt your kettlebell workout?

Non-stop. Shutting you down. Oh, fuck. Wouldn't it be cool to see, like, scientists actually work on time travel? Like, if they're, like, shooting lasers at walls and trying to run through the wall? Well, essentially, they're definitely doing it in one way or another. They might not even realize they're doing it, but every intensive scientific experiment that anyone's doing anywhere in the world, any results that they get, any groundbreaking results, all get kind of added together into this soup

of possibilities. So whatever they invent today, whatever they figure out today, even if they're not thinking like, hey, we're going to invent a time machine, but any new technology that someone invents today makes more things possible. And if more things become possible, eventually people are going to get to the point where they go, hey, this time thing, can we manipulate this? Or is this just what it is? Is it what it is? Or can we move around in it like the air? Remember when we used to think we could fly through the air, but then we realized we could

fly through the air. Why can't we fly through time? Are you sure we can't fly through time? Dude. And if people keep getting smarter and smarter and more and more aware of the possibilities that have been created by all these different technologies, it's going to open up the door to insane possibility. Like unimaginable possibility of the ability to manipulate matter, human bodies, time travel. It's just a matter of whether or not we'll have enough power and whether or not we'll like, if we do it correctly, we'll figure it out to the point where, like we definitely didn't figure out the fossil fuel thing or the plastic thing correctly.

We invented it without considering the consequences of way more fucking people and way more impact on the environment than anybody ever imagined when they first invented those things. So when you see the oceans choking up with plastic and the fucking sky's all fucking black with smog from shitty cars. Nobody saw that coming when they invented those things. So there's got to be a way where they can look at all the different things that we're doing right now and extrapolate into the future and figure out how to fix it. Once they can do that, then it becomes a matter of how much energy do you put forth and what are the rewards that you get back and can you continue to sustain that energy? So if you can continue to sustain the energy and you start just creating time machines and you start creating the ability to manipulate bodies and change shapes and you would turn your body into whatever the fuck you wanted it to be. And there would be no standard human being.

There would be people with fucking wings. There would be people with fucking wings. There would be people with giant heads. You could literally if they start manipulating bodies it's just a matter of time before they manipulate them at will and before they manipulate them back and forth. What's going to be the first person that decides to become a horse person and then decides to become a centaur

and then decides to become the Hulk and then becomes a brony. How many fucking people are going to do weird shit to their body once they realize that you can change it you can decide you can introduce a gene that makes your shoulders stretch out wide like this give me wings tomorrow you never fucking know give me wings tomorrow dude if they can figure out how to splice genes into different plants to create like more resistant plants to pesticides.

And they can figure out how to manipulate things. They figured out how to grow a human ear on some sort of mammal. I think it was a mouse or something like that. They're constantly trying to figure out new ways to combine things and manipulate things. Just keep going from today to 100,000 years from now. It's inevitable. Inevitable, dude. Inevitable.

Imagine if they told your grandparents you'll be able to speak to your child on the other side of the coast. How would I do that? It just seems... Right. Look at this. Human ear. They grew on a fucking rat. It kind of looks like Rich Voss's ear.

What's that ear on that Asian guy? It looks like Waleed Ismail's ear. Waleed Ismail? What's that? What? They grew his nose. No, not there. Yeah, they grew his nose no not there yeah they grew his nose

on his forehead and then they cut you open and stitch you back in yeah hold the fucking phones they can grow a nose on a forehead and then put it on your face

what they do is they kind of stretch it out they stretch your skin out by putting this sort of artificial nose thing that they kind of grow on your head there's a bunch of

different experiments that people are doing right now that gives me hope and this is interesting but it they kind of grow on your head. There's a bunch of different experiments that people are doing right now. That gives me hope. And this is interesting, but it's kind of like almost like beginner steps to what they're ultimately going to be able to do. No, wait, is this, are they doing this because there's no, like the plastic surgery stuff? No, no, no. This guy got his nose fucked up. No, but I mean like, meaning, you know, like all of a all of a sudden we have a cure to fix a nose that's gone.

Right. Right. As opposed to AIDS medication is still kind of like, they're just like, we can hold it off. We're not curing it because the money's in the comeback. Do you think that's real? That's what Chris Rock said. Dude, Joe, I don't get all my information from, I get it from podcasts and comedy and TV. You never know.

It definitely could be real. But I would imagine it would be really hard for people to ethically hide a cure for AIDS because they can make money from the treatment. You'd have to assume they're the same people, too. You'd have to assume that the people that are making the treatment got a hold of the cure and decided to stop it. Either they bought them out or it was their company that invented it. They'd have to all be conveniently connected.

Yeah, I guess you're right. And then there's also a scientist. There's a scientist that would have to be involved in the discovery of something as monumental as curing AIDS. If a scientist could figure that out, that would be gigantic for the reputation. It would, they would be like Francis Crick. They would be like,

you know, they would be like Watson. They would be like one of the great scientists of all time. Someone who's invented something. They would be like, I mean, you could go back in time and think about all the big inventors, the Teslas and all the different people,

someone who can invent something that cures the black plague Of the 20th century which is what AIDS was to a lot of people someone came along and cured that god damn They'd be big they'd be giant. I don't think you keep that shit quiet because it makes sense But now you may I guess I'm agreeing with the conspiracy theorists. Oh, I've heard on this podcast You can't totally listen to them, not because their ideas are invalid, but because a lot of times they don't absolutely know. And people jump to conclusions.

So it's not that conspiracies don't exist, because they definitely exist. We all know that some people conspire to do certain things. It happens all the time. But it's whether or not the conspiracies that we just get really attached to,

whether or not they're real. Yeah. And oftentimes they're just not, you know? Yeah. I still believe in time travel. Time travel is totally possible. I believe 100%. I just don't think it's happened yet.

Dude, I think everything's possible, man. I think we're going to come to some weird point in time, whether it's, like I said, a thousand years from now, whatever the fuck it is, there's going to be a weird point in time where we can do anything we want. Jamie, pull up that fucking video that you showed me yesterday. Good googly moogly.

You ready to get your mind blown? Have you seen this NVIDIA shit? Should I pee before this? How much time have we got on, Jamie? Am I done? We're close to three hours right now. You gotta see this. Alright, I'll hold it. You gotta pee? I gotta pee, but I can keep talking.

Why don't you pee, and Brian and I will have a little chit-chat while you're gone, and then we'll come back and enjoy this. Are you guys going to talk about Roy Choi? No, we're going to be good. It's Roy Choi shit. Can you believe that, Brian? I know. What the fuck, Bert Kreischer?

How dare you? Remember that part in Indiana Jones where she's riding an elephant, and then she sprays cologne on the elephant because of the elephant smell? No. I hated that part part i don't know why oh my god that's so ridiculous i broke this lighter while i was sitting here and i didn't know why i was doing it while i was doing it i just kept pushing on little pieces of lighter and pieces are breaking off i was like what the fuck is wrong with me you probably got like lighter fluid all over you. You're going to light a joint. I didn't, but I'm like, what is it about pot that makes you one thing at a time

which is not interesting enough? You've got to think about time travel and Chipotle. How do I break this lighter with two fingers? Can I just use two fingers and break this lighter? I won't push with the third finger at all. He says time travel is possible. He thinks. It's just not technologically here yet. He says he needs about $250,000 to

make a scale model of his machine, but if he could get funding like the hard-drawn collider, like $10 billion, then they could probably do it. This is Mallet says that? Yeah, that's what he said. Jesus Christ. I would say that too though. Yeah, you give me funding like the fucking large-drawn collider. Yeah, it sounds like a scam. I'll bring cartoons to life, bitch.

It's like Shark Tank. Try that on Shark Tank. Check this out because this is the NVIDIA Tilt Brush. Is that what it's called, Jamie? Yeah, it's on the HTC Vive. Google bought this app, and they're pushing it out as this thing just became made for preorder this week. It's like a 3D room you're in, and you have like a wand and a palette kind of on,

wand and right hand, palette on your left hand, and with some tools you can kind of pick from. Explain what you're seeing right now. But, yeah, so this guy's painting with all sorts of different colors. There's hyper color. There's different oil painting things. But you're painting in 3D. It looks like you're painting on a 2D plane,

and immediately it becomes available to your eyes that you're not painting in just 2D like you've been used to your whole life. You're actually in a 3D plane, kind of live sculpting. You know what I want to see, though? I want to see you be able to do that and paint and then be able to print it out on your printer. You can't print it, but you can share it. Well, you can now, but one day a 3D printer will be able to recreate it

the same way people can pour molten silver into an ant colony and pull out a fucking ant thing. You're going to be able to take this thing and print that, too. He's drawing a Monsters, Inc. type monster and then getting to touch it. Well, not only that, he's making flames come out of these things. Oh, this is badass. Oh, look at that. That is beautiful. I can't wait to draw Joey Diaz with big boobs in 3d dude find

out when it's available and we will purchase out that you can buy it now what it's not you can watch it won't ship until like a couple more weeks until it's fucking do it Brian are we yes I mean get this would you ever do would you ever do one of those uh the podcast with this yes no no what I link people up to this i'm figuring it out hey jamie jamie what's the we're gonna have so much fun you can get video output oh my god look at this dragon dude back it up back it up just a second dude back it up look at that that's insane there's some really cool art being made with this the guy that showed this to me chadwick

at circle vr said he's working with uh maybe I shouldn't even say, but some really cool visual artists that are making some really, really awesome things. Wow. And you get to almost interact with it? You can explore this space. So, like, this actual program records all the movements and motions that you're making. You can upload them and share them and download them on your own. And then watch. Like, I could watch Brianrian paint joey diaz

however he wanted to and we're talking right now and most of the people are just listening to this so if you want to see the video the video is entitled uh nvidia powers tilt brush art contest at htc vine at pax 2015 and it's amazing, it's really, it's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen. When you look at, like, the future, like, you look at technology in the future, and you think, like, what is entertainment going to be like when you see something like this? I mean, you're going to have, like, full-on DMT trips with a headset. Yeah.

100%. You're not even going to have to do a drug. And, you know, that's something McKenna predicted. Terrence McKenna predicted that one day through virtual reality they would figure out a way to recreate the dmt dimension and you'd be able to go there without actually being fucked up without actually being intoxicated on dmt you'd be able to go there i think dmt is the existence of time travel. Well, I mean, it's something weird. You know, whatever the fuck it is. Kill that.

I think about that a lot. Why? I reached out to... Have you done? No, I reached out to Duncan and talked to him about it. You want to do it? I told him I did, and he said he thought it was a bad idea. Why?

Why do you say that? Because he knows me pretty well. I don't want to handle you, man. You know, I don't have that brain. Maybe I don't have that brain. I want to babys well. I don't want to handle you, man. You know, I don't have that brain. Maybe I don't have that brain. I want to babysit you, man. You sure him though, right? I've done every drug there is, but I've never done DMT.

And I don't know if... My biggest fear right now is not the trip. It's not the... It's the fact that I have two children and they rely on my brain to make them money. So for me to fuck with my brain, for me, is not the greatest thing. Because I got a pretty fragile brain. We've all heard of this podcast. I fucking drink a bottle of wine on a treadmill.

I'm not the guy that maybe belongs rolling the dice and going, let's see what happens. What are you worried that would happen? I don't come back. You don't come back. Yeah, that's it. You become like the dude from Pink Floyd and just lose your marbles. Yeah, or Brian Williams. Yeah.

Not Brian Williams. Whatever his name is. Brian Wilson. Brian Williams, he got high on acid and thought he was in Vietnam. Brian Wilson. I was in the shit. I was in the shit, man. Brian, you weren't even in that country.

You were in Iraq. It's the only reason. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was the only reason I won't do it is a fear I don't come back. Well, that's a legitimate fear. That's it. I love my kids.

I want them to have a great life. And I committed to that when I had them. And that's my fear. Do I respect you massively for allowing a differentiation in family and the extra treasure or the psychosis or whatever the thing is. Psychedelics? That's it. Can I tell you all I could think that whole time? Why don't you guys have, could you guys have a VR camera, a virtual reality camera on the side,

so people could throw on goggles, smoke a joint, watch a show like they were sitting in their room? That's definitely going to happen. I think that's bad. It's going to happen. I'm telling you. There's no way we'll be able to stop it. It's already happening. We're close, right?

We're about how many years away, Jamie? Less than a year. Dude, I'll make it happen tomorrow. Don't get crazy. Don't get ego on us. There's already a few people that have live shows, like a live

podcast video where it feels like you're sitting in the studio and you just can walk and look around and do whatever you're doing. That's the show. I know the brilliance of it. What I love about it and when I listen, I feel like I'm in the room. When I watch it, I still feel like I'm in the room. But man man i would be cool to be able to be on the road and throw on some glasses and just feel like i'm sitting there well it's gonna happen it's 100%

gonna happen there's no way around it did you guys watch the oscars and see like all the samsung like things where they now have like the the glasses where you just snap your phone in uh they they now advertise glasses we oh virtual just snap your phone in. They now advertise. Glasses? Oh, virtual reality glasses. Yeah, the goggles. Where you just take it like you're no fire. Well, Lewis from Unbox Therapy brought those in. Yeah.

And I put that on, man. Did you put it on? Did you try it out? Yeah, but now they're actually advertising it on TV to the masses, like the moms and the dads. It's on the corner. And the one that Samsung has is cool, but there's one that is a higher resolution like not

just like the cell phone one is like real simple because you just use your existing cell phone you slide it into this sort of bracket you put on the headphones but they have some that are attached to computers you know they're really um intensive programming as far as like their ability to uh to computate like The big thing about visuals and about artificial reality and about virtual reality, the big thing is computational power. To be able to create

a seamless reality all the time, it's one of the things you would always see when you would play video games is a little bit of lag. If your computer was struggling because your video card couldn't keep up with the the resolution of the screen and the frames per second that you had it set at yeah you know well the

resolution is a big one because it would establish what the frames per second were because like most video cards like when I used to make PCs I used to buy like PCs I just buy the shell, I used to buy PCs. I used to buy the shell and buy a motherboard and hard drives and shit. And my friend Andrew, he would always help me out. He was my security net in case things went bad. So I was like, okay, what the fuck is next? And I would get on the phone with him from Oklahoma and he would talk me through it.

It's only making toast. Yeah. But creating a PC, that's one of the big things. If you want a game on it, the old video cards, a lot of them, you'd have to connect two video cards together and form an SLI connection. That allowed you to have double the processing power in order for you to play at a high resolution. Otherwise, you'd have to turn the resolution down way low so that it looked like shit. Some guys would even take away all the textures. So like say you would be playing Quake.

So you'd be going down a dark dungeon. It would look cool as fuck. And you would see crazy lighting and the graphics are amazing. But to the hardcore competitive gamers, that shit was just distracting. So what they would do is they would take all the textures out and they would turn the entire space that you were playing in into this white canvas with you like you are a bright red and they can even change what your character represented on their screen so like you would say like i'm going to be like

this little chick character because the chick character is really difficult to hit because she's so small it's hard to pinpoint even though they all have the same sort of box that you can shoot them in. But it would be harder to pinpoint. And other people would say, well, what I want is everybody I play to be the giant square robot. So they're an easy target. So you see this like this? This is what Quake looks like. This is Quake 3.

What it looks like when they turn off all the textures. There's probably better ones out there, Jamie. We can see like a death match. But see, there's no textures. You don't see any texture on the ground. You don't see any graphics. Everything's sort of muted. Is this theoretically what the premise of The Matrix was,

where he just saw numbers? No, no, no. What this is is just, it's just, it's a less, it's kind of cheating in a lot of people's eyes. It makes you green also. It's like, oh, there's the bright green guy. Yeah, you can change what their character is so like say you don't have the uh you don't have the right like say if you decide that you're a girl in the

game and a lot of guys like i said played as a girl because it was small you you don't get to decide how other people see you other people can see you as a giant circle like instead of even seeing you as a person or seeing you as a moving thing they could see you as a giant circle like instead of even seeing you as a person or seeing you as a moving thing they could see you as a circle that doesn't change and you just become a target so it's way easier to hit you than it is for you to hit or it was way way easier for them to hit you than it's for you to hit them yeah because you've become a giant target whereas you're playing the game the way it's intended, and they're just an octopus with a machine gun or whatever the fuck their character is. So you can kind of manipulate things and change in the settings.

And some people like it because it makes it real simple. It's such a fast-paced game anyway. They're not there for all that bullshit. They're not there for textures and the way it looks. They're just there to kick ass and spray people Rail gun people in the middle of the air They would bounce off these bouncy pads You can't talk you can't talk to me about

about Video games without thinking about the way Duncan looked at him when he was addicted to them Oh, yeah, I think about that so much because you know it's like they like me when he was Well, he's a different kind of video game, too. He plays a video game that you become, like, a part of the game. He's into those, like, massive multiplayer games. Yeah. You know? Hey, I remember him saying, driving through the hills, thinking, oh, that's the mountains

of Tildor, or whatever. Ah! No, but I used to be addicted. This sounds silly, really silly, but to Tony Hawk's... Price Skater. Yeah. Yeah, it was so good. You were addicted to a skating game?

I was addicted to video games. It's just the idea of getting into the same format. It's just like drinking or drugs, I'm sure. The same rituals, you know, and then all of a sudden the same payoff. But just imagine once this shit, this technology, this virtual reality technology we were just looking at. Imagine if that becomes the new video game, then things are going to be so bizarre because all they're going to have to do

is figure out some sort of a bodysuit that you wear where the actions of your environment correspond to how the bodysuit feels. Like you could sit there with this virtual reality thing on and stand there, and when things grab at you you it'll feel like something's actually grabbing you like it's gonna get weirder and weirder and then eventually they're gonna go Listen, man, we can give you what we're giving you right now But it's not as good as we can do what we can do is we can cut your brain open And we could put these electrodes in there and I can guarantee you you are gonna be a super person

You're gonna be one of the Avengers you're gonna live on the you're going to get your dick sucked anytime you snap your finger twice you're going to have a harem of golden girls from planet pussy that are here to suck your dick 24 hours a day just waiting like a corral like immigrants trying to fucking come off of a raft and escape to freedom that's what it's going to be like every day of your life all you gotta do is cut your head open. Stick some wires in there. What will happen is the same thing as my wife and your wife growing chickens and growing eggs.

They'll all of a sudden, 40 years from now, they'll be like, you know what? I'm going to have a child. Like, it's the same thing, man. Your wife does it. My wife does it. They grow, they have chickens and they grow, and they fucking find some sort of pleasure in almost this 20-year jump back, 50-year jump back of having an animal. And I know you love those eggs. I know I fucking love those eggs.

When I crack those eggs open and I go, man, I never ate scrambled eggs in my life until I got chickens. Now I'm like fucking scrambled eggs. How did you get away with eating no scrambled eggs in your whole life? I like them over easy. I don't like fucking scrambled eggs you get away with eating no scrambled eggs i like them over easy i don't fuck with scrambled eggs but man now that i know they're in my backyard a little wet scrambled egg with some cheese on it that's the best goddamn thing in the world because they're my eggs but so the same thing will happen is that progression will go just like tomatoes and cucumbers and kale all that shit we get a store back in the day they had to grow it they never even fucked with it same thing will happen is one day someone will be like, man, this is going to sound crazy.

I'm thinking about getting a hand job. And someone will be like, what? From like a person? And they're like, yeah, I'm going to disconnect. I'm going to get one hand job. I want to see what it feels like. I've heard about it. Their hands would be so tired.

The people hooked up to the Matrix, they wouldn't be able to jerk you off correctly. They have those really tired, atrophied hands because they haven't moved in months. You didn't disconnect? No, I didn't. How great would that be, though? I became a king. A great sloppy hand job just looped up like... Not even good, though, because they don't have energy.

And then after they're done, they have to rest for days. They're exhausted. Their arm swells up with inflammation. They tore all the ligaments in their arm because they're just not used to moving it. And they jerked you off. But look at you. all the ligaments in their arm because they're just not used to moving it and they jerked you off but look at you what hunting hunting with the powerful hands with the eggs i mean i think this is also because we are we are a part of the generation that came before us they gave birth to us you know the people before them gave birth to them and all you have to do is go back three or four times and you're living with savages.

That's not that far away. You can do that five or six times and you get to the point where there's no electricity. You get to the point where people are burning wood and coal and shit to stay alive. It's not that far where you do that. You don't only do that 10 or 11 times until you get to barbarian type people.

But then you've got people going, let's go camping. But this is what I'm saying. When we're looking at the future and we're saying this is a real slippery slope like there's always going to be people that want eggs there's going to be then they're not going to want you to cut into their brain and create the perfect reality they're going to be happy with their imperfect but yet realistic reality i know this is real i don't i'm not going to take that magic leap into you drilling a hole in my head

and sticking in some sort of a USB port and plugging me into the Matrix. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. So they decide to go out. But their kids might not do that, man. It might be one of those generational things where it takes just a few generations of people

to go, why are you camping? Why are you camping? Do you want to live with dragons do you want to fly to the moon on your dick can you want to shoot your dick like a fucking pogo stick and wash yourself into the fucking asteroid belt well you can do it dude okay and it'll feel like you're really doing it you don't have to fucking camp why are you camping oh my god you see a bird Did you see a bird for real? Did you wash your asshole in the stream? You shat standing up. Shut up. I rode a dragon into a black hole, you fucking pussy.

Take the operation. Let them stick the USB port in your brain and let's do this. But then the next generation's like... I'm not saying it's a good idea. I'm just saying it's going to happen. I just want... All I want, Jamie, is VR right there

so I can throw on the goggles on the road and just be like... You'd never get anything done. No, just every now and then. Just the same way I watch a podcast, but throw it on and be in the room. That would be badass.

That would be badass. Like just for right now's fixes in life, just throw on the goggles and be in the room. That would be badass. That would be badass. Like just for right now's fixes in life, just throw on the goggles and be in the room. It would be really fun. You'd be so connected to that technology. You'd want it all the time. It'd be so much more spectacular than regular life. You'd want it all the time. It'd be a real problem. You think? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because if you lived your life without it and then all of a sudden it was an option, you'd be like, why would I do those other things? Like, I'm really confused there's certain options that maybe we're not prepared for people would probably 100 people a lot of a lot of 100 a lot of people would a lot of people would not be able to handle it it's almost like we're not born with the discipline or the even the concept of those kind of parameters. I think that's what's going on with these massive multiplayer games.

Guys like Duncan and remember Rob, the dude from the comic store we've talked about often who was addicted to EverQuest? Same kind of stuff. You get influenced by something that you're not really... You don't have an immune system for it. You don't have an intellectual immune system to say, okay, this is not real. So we have to decide what we're doing here. Are we going to live in the shittiest fucking neighborhood possible and rent the worst fucking apartment possible

as long as it's got an internet connection and just plug in and be there all day? Or are we going to try to live a comfortable existence on Earth, in material Earth, where you can afford to pay your bills and you don't freak out and occasionally use this thing? How do we do this? How do you manage this? Because if it's so much better than real life, if you put it on and all of a sudden you're an avatar and it feels like an avatar and you're having a fucking great time and you're jumping through the trees and landing in these hammocks and shit. And you're all fucking flying dragons around and going to war and getting hooked up to that tree.

That's going to be real. They're going to have that where it's going to be something that they've invented that they can send to your mind. And it won't even be artificial. It's not going to be like some previously created narrative where it's got a beginning and an end like Dragon's Lair. Remember that video game where you'd fucking turn the handle

to the left and to the right and oh, you fall off the cliff? No, I'm talking about that. I'm talking about that computations are going to reach a point where it's so fucking powerful they're going to be able to create a real world

where you're going to feel pebbles under your feet. You're going to feel sand. They're going to be able to create a real world where you're going to feel pebbles under your feet. You're going to feel sand. We're going to be thirsty. We're going to your dick's going to get hard. You're going to feel like you're really there. It's going to be indistinguishable. It's a matter of time. It's not if it's when it's 100 percent when when you see that this is Morse code.

This is banging on coconuts. That's a smoke signal. That's what that code. This is banging on coconuts. That's a smoke signal. That's what that is. This is, it's coming, man. It's going to save marriages, too, because you can be able to, like, put these little yellow or green dots on your wife and then go, like, download any girl you want and be like, oh, I'm fucking Roseanne Barr right now. Girls would get so mad at you. Yeah, my wife's never greenlighting that. Stop with the downloads.

Can we do it without the dots tonight? Sorry, I've been drinking. Can we do it without the dots tonight? Sorry, I've been drinking. Can we do it without the dots tonight? Look, man, I live a pretty amazing life. I love my life. I think there will be a lot of people that trade with me. But every now and then, I like to throw on some goggles in a bed in a hotel room and just hang out in the room and listen to you guys' podcast.

That's all I'm saying. I'm talking like- You're bringing it all back. Yeah. The first thing I think is those things are here. We can get them. Samsung's got them. Plug one in.

Let me get a- Those things, that's NVIDIA. The Samsung one is the one with the cell phone, which is pretty good. Jamie knows what I'm talking about. We talked about it earlier. The NVIDIA shit is complete next level. Next, that's next level. Next, next, next, next, next level.

And when that becomes something that, I think what we're going to do, and I think we should probably talk about this once we're done here, I think the best way to do it is to find out when they're available and then set up some sort of a new studio, like a new room in here. I got you covered. We have that other room.

We could do something back in there. I 100% need a room for it. It's based off of a room. I got you covered. I've been approached by a travel channel that just doesn't work with us. I'll set my guy up with you guys. I'll just set him up with Jamie. But it doesn't work for us.

So will you be on the first podcast we do from there? 100% naked. I didn't ask for that. will you be on the first podcast we do from there? 100% naked I didn't ask for that I'll fuck your mouth bro Racist The gong is racist I'm fucking in man I mean as a fan of pod

You gotta always realize I come at this All of this and you know this The first time I met you And I was like dude I gotta see the dog, the deprivation tank, the pool table. I'm a fan always of comedy, of podcasting, and I can tell you what the consumer wants because this is how I use podcasting, the way people use it, that listen to it.

Man, when I'm on the road, I like to get lost. I lay in bed and listen to it in the phone, and I just kind of fall asleep and disappear into it. That is the next level of podcasting I believe because man I'm telling you I got a lonely night on the road. It would be so much easier for me to like pour a glass of wine

throw on some goggles and then just be with you guys and just be like. It's gonna happen. It's unavoidable. I think the same way when you're sitting in your man cave and you're watching Netflix. Yeah. What are you your man cave and you're watching Netflix. Yeah. What are you doing? I mean, you're watching... Narcos.

Narcos. If you're just sitting there... Thank you, Eddie Bravo. You decide. You decide when to watch it, right? So you just sit down, you press play, and it's entertaining you, you know? And it plays right in front of you. Imagine if you could just say...

Imagine if I could just go, you know what, honey? I'm going to go back to the room and hang out with Brian ande and jamie and i just throw on some goggles and then hit play and all of a sudden i'm in the room and we're all in this room yeah and it feels like this it feels like this yeah and you're just chilling yeah that's the i mean and they could be a guy you let in every week that actually can sit in you have someone pull up a chair and sit in the virtual world with dots all over you have have to pre-screen them. Make sure they're not out of their fucking mind. Are you jacking off?

Hey, hey. Is what I'm seeing really what you're doing? Because you could be jacking off the entire time, Esther Koo style. But meanwhile, you're the dude with the pocket handkerchief and the tie clip. This is the right room to make that happen. I'm being dead serious when I say this. Like I said, we've been approached for Travel Channel. People have come to us and go, hey, could you

do VR? It just doesn't work for a network TV show. I'll send whatever context I have this way to Jamie and because as a fan, that is what I'd like to watch. I'd like to be here. I'd like to sit right there. I really want to sit right here. It's going to happen.

It's just what we're experiencing right now is the beginning of a new revolution in entertainment where movies are going to play out like that. I think there's also going to be movies with not just one, but multiple different possibilities, like at every turn. Really? Yeah, I think there's

going to be interactive movies. I think what they're going to do is they're going to figure out a way to engineer virtual reality into an integrated environment where the virtual reality is interactive and there's a bunch of different potentials. So like, instead of like, say if you, there's a movie, you know, American Werewolf in London. It's got a really specific beginning, a really specific moment where he becomes a werewolf, a specific moment where his girlfriend realizes he's a werewolf

and then he gets killed. There's all these specific moments that... What if instead of all those specific moments, it's completely interactive? Like, you're actually there in London and you are this American guy and your friend... You just blew my fucking mind! You're telling me I'm in London?

Yeah, and you can... Not only are you in London, but you're in the fucking... You're in the bogs. You're walking around in Scotland. You're going to go to that fucking pub where the slaughtered lamb... Remember they have the head on the wall?

All that stuff's going to be possible. You're going to feel the rain. You're going to feel the moisture. They're going to be able to tap into your fucking dome, man. They're going gonna be able to do something to your brain that makes you think you're really experiencing it you just uh proved me wrong on all the stuff they were like it's perfect for travel channels like i don't get it i don't get it and then you're like i'm like i could be in london like throwing goggles and be fucking walking through austria it's gonna happen

that's the fucking future man it might not happen while we're alive i think It's going to happen. That's the fucking future, man. It might not happen while we're alive. I think it's just going to be just like when you go to Disneyland or anything where it's like, hey, I'm on the Needs for Speed ride, and they're like, hey, Joe, come here, I need your help. It's going to be like that, but it's just going to be way more intense. Star Wars ride at Disneyland is a better example because they have like 68 different endings or different stories that play out.

Have you been on those rides where they have like 68 different endings or different stories that play out. Have you been on those rides where they are like, I only know that Universal in Orlando has them, but it's like the Spider-Man ride, the Hulk ride, where it's a screen and it's a cart that technically doesn't move technically. Right. But the screen shoots fire at you and shoots mist. Yeah. And you feel like you're free-falling 90 feet. Yeah. Have you been on those?

I've been on those. I haven't been on that one, but I've been on other ones like that. They're awesome. Those are the ones that I believe, and we can't cover them on Bird the Conqueror, but those rods, because it's impossible. It's all TV stuff. It's impossible. It's TV. It's not, there's no... It's not the smell. You know, like when you're on the Simpsons

ride, you smell baby powder. It's just, it's literally like watching like... Oh, that's funny. You can't get like a little bit of video of it? I don't know. I'm going to try hard. We're shooting an episode. I think people would want to see the little bit of video even so they go, huh, I don't even see anything.

And then you can explain, yeah, nothing is actually happening. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's like the Raiders of the Lost Ark ride is a little bit like that, but a little more like driven. The Raiders of the Lost Ark is moving. little bit like that, but a little more driven. The Raiders of the Lost Ark is moving. Man, those fucking rides blow me away every time. When it's just a screen, I am like a child, like literally grabbing people.

I guess that's the premise of the show also, but man, I am falling fucking apart. They're going to be able to have things like that times a million. Dude, I think the next generation roller coasters, I was talking to Benson about this, is, you know, Doug's a big roller coaster fan. What? Doug Benson's a really big roller coaster fan. Like, massive. Dude,

massive. Does he have like pins? No, but he flies out, he flies himself out for the opening of rides. Like, Doug he flies himself out for the opening of rides. Like Doug Benson. I can't talk to him anymore. Loves roller coasters. When was the last time you were on a roller coaster? Kidding. They're fucking amazing. They really are fucking amazing.

There's certain things that people draw a line in the sand. Oh, you're a fan of cricket? I can't talk to him anymore. Cricket's fucking amazing. It lasts for four days. How great would that be? Does it really? Yeah. How great would it be if you had an ongoing communal event like what's the score today? It's great. Does lasts for four days. How great would that be? Does it really? Yeah. How great would it be if you had an ongoing communal event like, what's the score today? It's great. Does it really?

Four days? Four days straight? 2020 cricket lasts for a day. Regular cricket usually lasts for four days. That stinks. Don't you dare Google this, Jamie. Wow. What a weird game.

It's so funny how baseball is weird, too, but it's normal. Yeah. Because we're used to that weird. Other people are like, what the fuck? Baseball is weird, too, but it's normal. Yeah. Because we're used to that weird, you know? Other people are like, what the fuck is... Baseball's so boring. Like, in comparison to a lot of other sports, like in comparison to soccer, they can't understand why soccer never took hold. We were like, eh, not buying it.

Soccer never took hold. The whole world loves it. The whole world. Well, the reason soccer never took hold was advertising. No, because America. No, it's advertising. No, it's because America. No, soccer was very popular in the 70s. Never was popular.

It totally was. That's a myth, bro. That's like Bigfoot. That's like some shit Native Americans talk about around a campfire. Yeah, flashing your lights to the other car when there's no headlights on and you're going to get shot. It's gang initiation. You didn't hear about that one? No. Sour Cream, Taco Bell. I think I saw a movie with Ethan Hawke about the durable Richard Gere

That's true Tom Segura your dick Necessary Have we broken over the three-hour point oh for sure okay? I'm just wondering I keep feeling like I should wrap it up deep into it you want to wrap it we're wrapping it Let's wrap it. Let's have a fake wrap. We fake wrapped it.

I can fake wrap it. Let's not wrapping it. I feel like the conversation just got perfect. It's good. It's in a good place. I'm very happy. I've gotten over the stupor of about 40 minutes ago where I was so high I shouldn't have been talking to anybody ever. No, pretend you work at Bichotelé.

I hit a moment where I was like, whoa, you're way too high, son. My idea was good. It's just I couldn't remember what it was halfway into it. The idea being like pick a regular job and imagine if like eight out of ten people that came there wanted to fuck you. But it probably, if a girl was watching a guy's balls and asshole, it would probably be more than eight out of ten. I'm probably really conservative about ideas. Well, this girl, she knew that was a part of her job she made more money it's a different gig I saw you hit that joint

more than I've ever seen you had a joint it's pretty strong pretty strong stuff we were deep we went in the hole yeah deep in the rabbit hole you think Stan I'm still listening Christ sure who gives a fuck he's got shit to do out there he's got a javelina is trying's trying to kill his neighbor's dogs. Do you know about that? Javelina's killed a fucking dog down the street from him. What's a javelina? Javelina's a weird...

It looks like a pig, but it's actually like a cousin of a pig. Like a boar? I think it's called a peccary. I think that's the technical name for what kind of an animal it is. But it's this weird, freaky-looking thing that lives in the American Southwest. And those motherfuckers will kill dogs. They killed a dog in Stanhope's neighborhood. What I understand what they do is they flank them.

They get on the side of them, and they just fucking all run at them and tear them apart. So if they have, you know, you let some domesticated, really soft dog loose and you uh leave them out there in the the plains where where do they live the desert desert the desert you leave them out there in the desert to play these motherfuckers literally might jump on them and eat them like look at those teeth those aggressive teeth they don't really go after after people. Here's a really interesting thing about javelinas. They're an animal that responds in an insane way to what's called a predator call. And a predator call is, look at the fucking teeth on that thing. That's like a bear.

That's how big that javelina. They're not that big, but they're fucking ferocious. These are ferocious animals. They're so powerful so they take this sound a predator call is like a sound of an animal is dying so they have this things like something in agony something in pain these motherfuckers come running well you've never seen anything before like the way my friend Remy Warren described it, he said,

Javelin has come to a predator call the way you wish all animals came to a predator call. Like when you call them, they come running at you, full blast, running, just waiting to jack whatever's making that noise. Like it's a race between them and all the other monsters behind them that are chasing to try to find this rabbit that's screaming. It probably broke its leg or something. Oh, dude, it's crazy. When you see them run, they're just running towards that sound, like full clip.

They're not cautious at all. They're just trying to get it in as quick as they can. Holy shit. The wild is so fucking scary, dude. Wild animals are so scary. wild animals are so scary. The wild of being a fucking peccary running around in Doug Stanhope's neighborhood trying to get by in the desert

seven miles away from Mexico. Have you seen Man on a Buffalo? About this guy, he rides a buffalo around like it's a horse, and then he gets attacked by a cougar and saves a baby and all this stuff. It's like a documentary from the 70s. It's really good.

But I highly recommend episode two, Man on the Buffalo. No one say anything after that. That is the perfect fucking sentence ever. Brian just dropped a fucking gem. I had a record. Is that a buffalo? Seriously? Orphans, cougars, and whatnot.

Yeah, Guy on a Buffalo, episode two. Brian, can I tell you something? I've seen this. Oh, my God. That's the greatest video in the world. This is insane. How does he get that buffalo to listen? I don't know, but he-

Buffaloes are the most unpredictable animals. He finds a baby in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, we drove Buffalo across Texas, and it's one of the most unpredictable animals. This might be the worst show ever. And then, if you listen to the song, unfortunately- Look, the baby's about to drown. Oh, the song's good. The guy falls in the water and has to rescue the baby.

I think this is a joke, Brian. No, no, no. This is a real movie in the 70s. Watch. Because watch, the next thing, a fucking cougar just attacks him. Hang on, hang on. Jamie, back it up two seconds. Could be real.

Joe, listen to the lyrics. I think this might be a joke. No, the song, this guy took a real movie and just... Yeah, the sound... But the song's good. The sound's fake. Let's... Go to the cougar part. Um, do you remember Grizzly Adams?

Oh, fuck yeah. That guy just died, right? Right here, look. Oh, did he? Yeah. Oh, the guy's crawling. Looking to kill this deer. And the cougar gets him. Oh, shit.

And then a wolf attacks the buffalo. And the buffalo is like, get out of here, man. Oh, shit, this cougar really is hanging on this guy. How the fuck did they train that cat? It's punching the cat. Oh, my God. It's fucking... I think that's scripting gone wrong. How do you...

Do you think so? Of course, yeah, I've worked with animals like that. Oh, shit, a wolf came after that buffalo and got donked. Yeah, I worked with lions and... Wait, what? Yeah, I worked with... No, I worked with lions, bears, a wolf came after that buffalo and got donked. Yeah, I worked with lions and... Wait, what? Yeah, I worked with... No, I worked with lions, bears, and elephants. Did you really?

Yeah, of course. And when a lion fucks with you, it's not that aggressive. It's like paw-paw. So what that was doing was a fuck-up? That looked like a fuck-up? It looks like the trainer. That was probably the trainer that shot that. Because it looks like a trainer knowing how to handle an animal like that.

Oh. Like, when I fought a bear, I saw the... I recently found the video of it. Don't kill this movie for me, man. No. That's why I have the marshmallow shirts. I've told you that story a million times. No, no.

He's talking about that movie. He said, don't kill the buffalo guy movie. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm pretty fucked up. kill the buffalo guy movie oh yeah yeah i'm pretty fucked up the uh but like when you fight a bear or you fight a lion it it's it really is uninteresting really yeah it's it's a lot of like interesting it's it's scary for you and doing it but when you watch it on video it's a lot like it's a lot more dramatic for you in the moment than it looks because they're very fucking tame. So, yeah.

So, I told her on Ari's This Is Not Happening story, I fought a bear, but it's... I disagree. Yeah, but it's literally like you feel like you're getting lifted off the ground and shaken by your head, but they're just moving you around a little bit, but they're so fucking powerful that literally to watch that, I mean, just in my own experience

and i fought a lot of animals i i look at that and i just go how do you not have this in your act like you fought a lot of animals because man i'm trying to talk about my kids i go into this chunk of my kids i gotta get rid of this got rid of my wife shit and then i'm fucking april 1st at the irvine improv ladies and gentlemen, come see one of the funniest men on the planet Earth, Bert Kreischer, film his Showtime special.

For tickets, go to BertBertBert.com Please subscribe to the Bert Kreischer Podcast. Please also subscribe to the What Red Band Do Podcast, new and improved. No, new.

It's a great podcast between the two of you guys. It's improved from the first one to the next one, to the next one, to the next one. It's more improved. It's more improved. As is this one. We're all a work in progress, you fucks. Stop being so critical. We'll see you soon, ladies and gentlemen.

Can I promote a show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Death Squad Austin in Houston next week. March 11th, Houston. 12th, 13th, Austin. With the young and talented George Perez. Yes. And then San Jose.

I want to see him do stand-up. Funny guy. Good dude, too. Bert Kreischer, any last words? Calling Sick to Work show, March 17th. Grand Rapids Distillery. Wise Guys in Utah. Right before my special, April 1st in Irvine.

Joe, I love you. Thank you for having me on. I love you too, brother. It's always a pleasure. Always a great time, man. Always a pleasure. All right, folks. See you guys in Vegas tomorrow night.

Joey Diaz, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me will be at the Cod Theater. Can't wait for that. Then the UFC is the next night. Can't wait for that. Who's going to win, Joe? Who's going to win? Who knows, Bird Crusher? See you later, folks.

See you later, folks!