The Joe Rogan Experience - #775 - Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Date: March 16, 2016

Greg Fitzsimmons is a stand-up comedian. He also hosts his own podcast "FitzDog Radio" available on Spotify.

Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons Coming out of the gate with a fucking orgasmic Yes! That's Donald Trump's face You ever see notice that Donald Trump's face is running away from his skull? He looks like he needs vaginal rejuvenation surgery on his cheeks. What happens to a person's face that it just doesn't like their head anymore? Just pulling away.

Yours is hanging in. But he's not that fat. No. You know what I mean? Like, Chris Christie's face is in better shape than his. Right. Well, being fat helps because, yeah, it pushes all the wrinkles out. You get no wrinkles when you're fat.

But mine, I'm Irish. When you're Irish, man, you hit 40 and all of a sudden, you're turning into like a rotten apple core. All the meat falls off the bones and your cheeks sink in. They're close to a fix for that. Really? Yeah, they're close to a fix for that really oh yeah they're real close they're close to this guy i think his name peter dr peter welling whatever the guy the doctor's name that

invented reginokine which is that blood spinning procedure that kobe bryant all these athletes go oh yeah before he's invented some way to rejuvenate your body's production of collagen and they're gonna shoot it into old ladies and they're going to look hot again. Bam! I'll be all over that shit. Because that's what makes you wrinkle. That's what makes your skin lose its elasticity. Right.

It's collagen. And, you know, if you look at, like, if you go to the gym, you go to the gym, right? Hell yeah. Do you have, like, one of those older ladies at the gym where you're like, I fucking smashed that. Some lady that's in her 50s, but she's just doing squats every day, just hanging on like that. You know that kitten in that poster? Hang in there, baby.

Hang in there, baby. She's just hanging on to that curtain. Right. She is not going softly into that night. That's right. When you're 23 and you're in shape, you can get out of shape for a few months and then jump right back into shape again. When you're a hang-on kitty, you take a week off. You almost won't get back to where you started again.

That's one of them, yeah. Yeah. This is a picture we're looking at of a cute little kitten hanging from a stick. When you get to be that age, getting out of shape is really easy, and getting back into shape is fucking nightmarish. The first day back, you're like, whoa, I'm old. I went to do push-ups today, and I used to be able to bang out 50 push-ups, because I'm skinny as shit, and I did gymnastics my my whole life and so i just had

a good like muscle to weight ratio i fucking struggled to do 15 i was shaking i was like what the fuck just it really bummed me out i was like wow because i said to myself to get back to where i was would require a lot of uncomfortable pain over a long period of time. Didn't you have like a real shoulder injury or something? Yeah, I got surgery. What was wrong with your shoulder? The cartilage can just wear out sometimes in between your, there's three bones that come together in your shoulder, clavicle and whatever the other two are. And so they basically go in and in two different spots, they go into your shoulder and they just saw away the tips of the bones and then scar tissue forms on each bone and it acts as a new cartilage.

And you know what? Fucking arm as good as new. Unbelievable. Yeah. Wow. How strange. Everything was great. Other than getting hooked on Vicodin, everything about it was very positive.

How long was I hooked on Vicodin? Nine months. Whoa. It's unbelievable how many doctors will prescribe you Vicodin if you ask. Yeah. The surgeon, the primary care physician, the physical therapist, and then I go to a psychopharmacologist for my other little mood needs. And I don't know why this motherfucker started writing me scripts, too. For pain.

Then you got friends. Every friend's got a medicine cabinet, Joe Rogan. Let me make an announcement right now. If you're a friend of mine and you had me over in 2013, you may want to restock your barbiturate supply. Did you go to people's cabinet and just scoop a few out? Oh, no. It was bad.

I was bad. That was only three years ago? No, it was probably five, five, six years ago. Wow. Yeah. Oh, my God. And I haven't drank in 25 years. So was it a slow, creepy thing where it slowly crept in on you how did you realize it had

you you don't realize until you stop for a few days and you go dark you go if you don't take it for a few days you get so psych like close to suicidal whoa because what happens is your your receptors for your uh um what for your dopamine get clogged by barbiturates. And you can't. So if you stop taking them, the dopamine can't get into those receptor holes. Whoa. Because they're filled. Yeah.

So you can't feel happiness until eventually those go away. And that's why it's so hard to kick. Oh, my God. Yeah. So how did you kick it? Just went dark. White knuckled it like I did drinking. That is how you did. I remember when you did drinking like that. Well, I met you right after you did that. I met you when I, I think when I met you, you were still drinking and then like

right after I met you quit. Yeah, that's right. That's exactly right. And I was amazed that, you know, I know a lot of people, it's most people, it's a struggle. You have to go through therapy. You have to go through AA struggle you have to go through therapy you have to go through aa you have to go through all this but you just knocked it off well i did do therapy and also my dad was an alcoholic so i i had gone to al-anon meetings for probably about a year before i quit and uh also you knew the consequences i knew i knew the consequences i also knew the steps once you learn the steps, it becomes like, okay, I know what I need to do. I need to acknowledge that I have

a problem. I need to work on whatever my higher power is. I went through it without going to it. Because I went to some meetings and it was just like too many guys. You know those little bits those guys in Boston would do about what was the guy's name? Teddy Bergeron?

Oh, yeah. And he's like, you see these guys at these meetings and they act like they got it all figured out. They're standing up there like, and I can proudly say after 15 years, I no longer crave alcohol. And he's like, I'm in the back and I crack a soda. They're like, where is it?

Where is it? Teddy Bergeron. Fuck, man. How many times have we talked about him on the podcast? He's one of the all-time greats that people just never found out about. Yeah, the most raw talent. Jerry Lewis kind of talent where you just go

like, oh yeah, this guy's special. Jerry Lewis? Jerry Lewis was a talented dude. You don't see it? Oh, I mean i mean sure but they're not similar i just mean god given talent but a weird comparison why'd you go with jerry lewis uh i guess just the physicality you know they're almost like dancers the way they can move on stage like teddy would just glide around and his like hand movements the way he'd slide it It was just kind of elegant. His timing was just impeccable. Right.

I remember when I was an open mic night guy, like I just started and Teddy did a set and he did a set like, you know, just dropped in and did like 10 minutes. And I remember thinking, I fucking know nothing. I don't understand anything. I barely, I shouldn't even be up there. I shouldn't even be allowed to do this. Yeah. But he, the pills got that guy. I watched that. anything. I barely, I shouldn't even be up there. I shouldn't even be allowed to do this. Yeah. But he, the pills got that guy.

I watched that. Yeah. I watched, I remember the Mattapoisett Inn. Yeah. Do you remember that gig? Yeah, down by Rhode Island. Scott Papacuri used to have that gig. Yeah.

And he booked me and Teddy. Meanwhile, it was like a classy old hotel. Yeah. Well, it was like a kind of bed and breakfast or something like that, right? So it had downstairs, it had this little showroom, and it was real tight seating and small. It was an excellent gig. Like when you got the gig, you were psyched. It was a great gig.

And it was in kind of like a resort-y sort of vacation-y area. So people were partying, having a good time. So it was a fun crowd. And I remember Teddy showed up, and he was just zonked zonked out on pills and it was just so sad to watch was like this guy was an all-time great and he was just so out of it yeah i remember being up at the uh the andover who was the club and it was dick darty gig it was at a club called chick land and uh what was it something grill and um grill 93 yeah something like that 99 or 93 yeah yeah and so uh teddy comes in on friday night and he's late as shit i'm the feature and

i'm stretching with material i don't have i'm doing your material at this point i got my hand above my head doing my revere girl impression and And he comes in late, and then I see him talk to the club owner. He's like, I was like, I wouldn't believe what happened. I'm coming up 93 North, and this guy side swipes me, knocks off my mirror. This is after the show. He says, come out and look at my car. And we got to the car, and his side mirror is hanging off.

And the guy, the club owner's like, all right. So Saturday night comes. I'm up there. I get the stretch sign again. I got to do another half hour. Teddy shows up, and he walks in, and he goes, yeah, I got sideswiped on 93 North. You got to see my side view mirror.

The guy's like, are you kidding? He's like, no, it just fucking happened. Oh, God. He's like, wow. So he was so out of it, he forgot he told the same lie two nights in a row. That's his move. Just kicked his fucking mirror.

Pills, man. You're swiping them from your friends. Oh, yeah. It was ugly. Brendan Shaw, my friend, had a nose job. His nose got broken in a UFC fight. Yeah. And he got hooked on pain pills.

He's Brian's partner. Yeah. On Fighter and the Kid. What was he hooked on um oxys i think oxys where oxys where you can't turn back that that's the fucking hardcore really yeah you start out with oxycodone it's a little bit lighter then you get into vikin and you know we had those guys on chris and mark bell from prescription thugs it's a new documentary that's uh out now on iTunes. They're the same guys who did Bigger, Stronger, Faster and Trophy Kids. Great guys.

Great documentary guys. While this guy's doing the documentary, he's doing a documentary around prescription drugs and how many people get prescribed them and how insane the business is and how overprescribed they are. While he's doing it, he has to get hip replacement surgery. And he gets hooked on pills. Oh, shit. While he's doing it, he has to get hip replacement surgery, and he gets hooked on pills. Oh, shit. While he's doing the documentary, he's hooked on pills. Yeah.

And he's got to kind of cover it up, and he's embarrassed, because he's trying to put together this documentary, and he's hooked on pills. And then finally, in the documentary, once he becomes clean, then he just comes clean in the documentary and explains. Oh, wow. I was on pills. Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, he takes you out to his car, and he just comes clean in the documentary and explains. Oh, wow. I was on pills. Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, he takes you out to his car and he shows you his car, like how he fucking collided in the shit when he was all pilled up. Yeah. And he shows all the dents and his headlights hanging off and shit. It's dark, man. Well, Philip Seymour Hoffman got back on drugs because he was doing a role that was very, was he on drugs in the role or was he drunk? But whatever it was,

he'd been sober for like 20 years. And going into this place night after night doing this play, he started taking pills again. I just don't get why doctors prescribe pills to somebody who's a known addict. They don't give a fuck. They don't give a shit.

I think doctors get so used to people being sick and people dying and it's like you know it just becomes normal to them right just it you know i had this woman dr ronda patrick in the other day she's a research scientist and she was talking about a lot of the experiments that they had to do where they had to kill mice and when she first started doing these experiments she would get really sad and she'd cry and it's like it was like it was just really upsetting. After a couple of months, she's just gassing these motherfuckers like it's Auschwitz. Like she didn't even care.

Right. You just get totally used to it. Yeah. And I think for doctors, you're a doctor for 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. All these patients are sick and dying and all fucked up. No one sees you if they're doing great. Everybody sees you because they got a tumor, a broken leg, and you just take these pills and get the fuck out of here. You're just a mouse.

Here, have some cheese and some pills. Chris Bell, the guy who made that documentary, just sent me a text yesterday saying that, I'll forward it to you, Jamie, and you can put it up here. But he was saying that there's a new law that just got passed. Doctors are urged. Okay, this is what it is. It's on USA Today. You can find it from yesterday. New guidelines for prescription to reduce abuse and overdoses.

So they're urging doctors to try to do something about this because they're finally starting to realize. And I think a lot of it is just because of all these documentaries and all these internet blogs that are coming out and YouTube videos and all these news stories where people are really kind of grasping the magnitude of this problem. I just don't understand why there's not one database where you can't have multiple doctors writing prescriptions for the same patient. I mean, if you go to CVS or Rite Aid, there should be a listing of any time you were specifically for opiates. No. Fuck.

I mean, it didn't stop me. And I can remember getting a fresh bottle, you know, with 30 pills in it and just holding your hand like, oh, fuck yeah. Joy. A bottle of joy. You never took anything like that? No, never. I took one time when I had my knee operated on, my first knee operation, which was a patella tendon graft, which is particularly painful because they take a piece of bone out of your shin and a piece of bone out of your kneecap.

And it's attached to a strip of your patella tendon. Your patella tendon is a large tendon that's in the front of your knee. It's this one that goes from your knee down to your shin, right here, the fat one. And what they do is they take a slice out of that, and then they open you up like a fish, and then they use that slice, and that replaces your ACL. So that becomes a new ACL. Because this patella tendon graft is is really big and it's really strong.

So you don't need the whole thing. You don't need the whole thing. So they take a slice of that and it creates a new ACL. And the pain was pretty insane around the places where they cut the bone out. Yeah. It was just like fire. So they gave me something. I don't remember if it was Vicodin or Percocet.

But I remember I took it once and I felt so stupid. Like I was just like, duh. I think it was Vicodin or Percocet. But I remember I took it once, and I felt so stupid. Like, I was just like, derr. I think it was Vicodin. I was so dumb. I mean, maybe it's just my own biology, the way I reacted to it. I was like, I'd rather take the pain. So I sold them to this dude at the pool hall. This guy named Jeff.

This guy, Jeff, he would buy and sell pills. He was the pill head. He looked like a classic dirt bag from a fucking Beavis and Butthead cartoon. He had long hair that would go down like this, and one of those mustaches that curled all the way down to the bottom where his chin connected. He was such a dirt bag, this guy. He had a pickup truck, rusted out. Probably had one of those El Caminos.

Probably didn't have had a pickup truck rusted out probably had a one of those el caminos right and he would drink beer out of the back of it with some friends near the beach definitely he was such a dirt bag yeah nice guy though but he was uh you know just a classic classic guy yeah and i was like i can't fucking take these things he goes you got them at home bring them in i'll buy them off you i'm like all right so i. So I sold them. I became a drug dealer. Did you give them the bottle with your name on it? Oh, yeah. What the fuck?

Who the fuck was I back then? I stand behind my- I was a nobody. It wasn't like me today or anything with my address or anything. I was just a struggling stand-up comedian who liked to play pool. Selling drugs. Selling drugs to a dirtbag. Slanging opiates at the pool hall

I was psyched to get that money too it's interesting what 50 bucks is when you really need it versus 50 bucks when you don't need it money loses it doesn't mean anything that's why I never understand someone

that works incredibly hard, but they're already insanely wealthy and they're doing something they don't enjoy doing. You know, they're like constantly trying to conquer and build a business and keep going and going. But they already have billions of dollars and what they're doing is making them miserable. Not only that, take it to a next level

where you got a guy like the Koch brothers. Yes. And they are not only working way harder than they need to, they've already covered the next 50 generations of kids that never have to work in their family. But they're killing the planet. So if you're thinking about a legacy for your great-great-grandkids, they're going to live in 140-degree Earth with no water,

surrounded by fucking killers. Mad Max. Do you think that's what's going to happen? I think so. Yeah. You think it's all going to fall apart? I'm not stressed out about it. I just feel like, you know, it's going to happen. I'm going to encourage my kids not to reproduce.

I think that they're going to skate. They're going to skate through. There'll be a lot of terrorism and there's going to be a lot of flooding. And some crazy storms. Third world countries are all going to be in an upheaval because the environment is going to affect the poor first, of course. I wonder how much of it is blown out of proportion and how much of it could be mitigated by new discoveries and new science and new technology. Solar power. discoveries and new science and new technology solar power do you know did you know i didn't know this till eddie bravo came over here and i went down the goddamn rabbit hole about rockefeller

his grandson well yeah did you know that rockefeller made there was a conspiracy to get people to use oil instead of alcohol and that most combustion engines work on alcohol right and they work just as good if not better on alcohol yeah then they do on gasoline right and alcohol obviously you don't need fossil fuels you don't need or whatever you want to call it you can use any kind of vegetable yeah right corn you know yeah they run just as good on that yep what the fuck yeah i mean he well between him doing that and then um you know, Ford, didn't Ford buy up all the train tracks in Los Angeles to create a car society instead of a train society? Yeah, there's some sort of conspiracy like that where the automotive industry. No, I don't think it's a conspiracy.

I think it definitely happened. I don't mean that it's a conspiracy that it didn't exist. I mean, they conspired. Oh, that they conspired. Yeah. Right. They did conspire to do something like that. I don't know too much about that, though.

There's a film about it. The killing of the car or something. Yeah. Well, that's different. That's a late model. That's who killed the electric car. That was when the electric car first. See, they had electric cars a long fucking time ago.

Oh, yeah. I went to the Museum of Cars, and the first cars were electric. Yeah. Henry Ford had fenders that were made out of hemp. That was something we covered here the other day. Yeah, you could hit them with a hammer. Wow. There's videos of him whacking these fenders with a hammer.

Because hemp fiber is insanely powerful and unbelievably strong and really lightweight. More powerful than fiberglass, stronger than... it's amazing amazing stuff and so he's hitting it with a fucking hammer and the hammer is bouncing off this fender that he had yeah oh shit but back then man they were all jockeying for control of this emerging industry and they didn't see anything bad about just trying to control the market like fuck these trains. Fuck your tracks. I want everybody to have cars. Like, they didn't think one day it was going to heat up the planet and polar bears are going to drown. Yeah, of course.

I mean, if they could have seen a poster of fucking polar bears stuck on a little, what do you call those? Ice floats? Yeah, ice floats. Did you see that video they got recently of a polar bear chasing down a female and her cub and eating the cub in front of her? No. Yeah. Holy shit.

Yeah, these explorers were there. It was either explorers or it might have been a cruise. But they watched it and they were screaming. They're like, no, no. And he just chases down the female and she's running full clip, but she's got the cub with her and the cub can't run that fast. And finally he grabs a cub and he eats it. He eats it right in front of her.

You think it was his child? It doesn't matter. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. They don't give a fuck. All bears are cannibals. Yeah. You know, there's a real problem with movies like Zootopia, which I took my kids to see

the other day, which is really adorable. Very cute movie. Not a problem with the movie, but a problem with what comes out of that movie and these fucking, what would you do for a Klondike bar ads and these things that anthropomorphize animals. Here it is right now if you want to watch it. See, that's the mother and the cub running full clip

and there's the big daddy running behind it. I can't put that on YouTube, by the way. This look at it, it's taken off YouTube. Right, so we're just going to watch it on the screen. If we put it on YouTube. Can you go full screen with it, though? I did, and it's not going for some reason. Oh, okay.

That's the mom trying to head off the... Yeah, trying, but he's like, get out of here, bitch. She can't do anything. He's like twice her size. If you want to stay tuned, there it is. Boom. That's what they do. It's awful.

They eat them. I mean, when bears come out of hibernation, one of the first things they do is head for the cubs. The male bears immediately go and kill the cubs. They eat them. The mom is trying to put up a fight. A little bit, but she's just so much smaller. She's tentative, yeah.

She's scared, and she knows the baby's already dead. There's nothing she can do, so she turns and then just runs. She realizes at a certain point in time this motherfucker might eat her too, which does happen, by the way. Really? Yeah, they cannibalize each other. They'll kill each other and cannibalize each other. Oftentimes when you hunt bears, if you kill one bear and you leave it to go back

and get a truck to pull it out of the woods, when you do that, you come back, other bears will be eating it. Bears are all cannibals. But my point was that people have this idea of what these wild animals are, that they live in harmony in nature, and it's chaos. Smoking the bear. It's chaos and conflict and murder all day long. And cannibalism, especially bears. 100% cannibals.

All of them. Not only with, when we were in Alberta, my friend who runs a hunting camp up there, watched a male bear kill a cub in front of the female. The female tried to fight him off. The male bear killed the cub. She chased him off eventually. And then she went and finished the cub off and ate it. Oh, no shit.

She ate her own cub. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Damn. That's harsh, man. Harsh. I've gotten mad at my kids, but I pull up a little short of that.

Well, I don't think the male was the father. He might have been, but who knows? He might not even know. She probably knew either. Yeah, I thought some bears just ate berries and shit. No, no. All bears eat meat. Yeah?

Well, all North American bears. Right. They don't eat meat exclusively, but they're omnivores, except polar bears. Polar bears are 100% predator. They're the only bear that doesn't eat anything but meat. They don't have anything up there. There's no vegetables, so everything they eat is just meat. They eat seals and anything that fucks up.

Yeah, when you look at the territories that certain animals need, like they were doing a thing about mountain lions in Los Angeles. And each mountain lion needs like 20 square miles of territory just for him. And if you get within that, it's a fight to the death. That's it. Those are the stakes. And so this one mountain lion was living up in the Santa Monica Mountains, like above the Palisades, Malibu.

And he somehow, because they tag him, he somehow ended up over in Griffith Park. Yeah. He crossed the 405. Did you see what he did? He killed a koala bear. Oh, no! He climbed a see what he did? He killed a koala bear. Oh, no. He climbed a fence.

No shit. He climbed a 12-foot tall fence covered with barbed wire, got over the fence, and killed a koala bear and ate it. Good for him. You know, where there's a will, there's a way. Well, they found these mountain lions in San Francisco. You know, because California doesn't have hunting laws for mountain lions, I mean, they have laws against it. You cannot hunt mountain lions, which wildlife biologists are seriously against. Because when you can't control predator populations, they just breed and breed and breed until there becomes too many of them.

They don't have any predators other than man. So, you know, people could say, well, let nature balance and take its... Well, that means they move into your neighborhood and eat your friends. We're part of the balance. Yes, we're part of the balance. And we think we're not because we have the internet and the fucking cell phone. But the reality is they don't give a shit about that. So anyway, these mountain lions that they've been killing, because what they have to do is when they invade neighborhoods, start killing dogs and threatening people, they have to kill them.

Well, they killed over 100 of them in the last year. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah, they have to do is when they invade neighborhoods, start killing dogs and threatening people, they have to kill them. Well, they killed over 100 of them the last year. Yeah? Yeah. They have to shoot them. They just do it privately. They don't talk about it. It doesn't make the news. But when they shot them, they found out that their primary diet is pets.

Yeah, of course. Cats, dogs. Yep. That's their primary diet. There's only a small percentage of deer in their bellies. Did you ever see any cats around your house? I've never seen a cat around my house, but I saw a cat that killed my dog in Colorado, and I saw another mountain lion in Santa Barbara on a fucking residential road. Yeah? Yeah. Big? It wasn't that big. It was like a small dog, like 50, 60 pounds, something like that, but it was

big enough to freak me the fuck out. Yeah, but people know in the valley you don't leave your dog out in your yard. No. You just don't. Yeah, you can't. It'll be fucking gone. Well, coyotes mostly. Yeah.

But the mountain lion that I saw in Santa Monica, or Santa Barbara rather, looked like a coyote. It was that size. It wasn't that big. I thought it was a coyote and then I saw the tail. Yeah. And I was like, oh shit, that's a cat. Seeing a cat is so much creepier than seeing a coyote.

Yeah. Because you know that, like a coyote, I'm pretty sure I could fuck up a coyote. Yeah. You know, if a coyote jumped on me, I know I'd just grab him by his tail and smash his fucking head off the ground. I'd figure out a way to win. I'd probably get bit. I think it's because of Bugs Bunny and, you know, the Wile E. Coyote. He was such a doof. He just can't take the breed seriously

now. Well, they're scary. I mean, if a coyote wanted to kill you, it would be a real... I mean, if a rat wanted to kill you, it'd be a real fucking problem. But I'm pretty sure if you could snap and get into full rage, psychopath mode, you could probably kill a coyote. But not a cat. I think

a mountain lion, you'd be fucked. A. I think a mountain lion you'd be fucked. A 50 pound mountain lion you'd be fucked. And they spring so fucking fast. So fast. They're so fast and they're so powerful. And if you look at their bodies in comparison to like they're like one of the most powerful cats pound for pound.

They have enormous wrists and forearms. And their shoulders are ripped. I try to get shoulders like that at the gym. I say to my trainer, I want mountain lion shoulders. And so they have a machine, you know. A shoulder machine? The shoulder machine that's the mountain lion one. You put it in and there's little paws and you growl.

And you put on. You know what just happened? There were people dressed as animals at... I just did the Addison Improv. Good club. Great club. And there was a convention going on at my hotel. Furries?

Furries. There were hundreds of furries and they were fantastic. They had like, you know, one is a zebra, a lot of like unicorns and fucking rabbits. All mascots, right? Yeah, they look, it looked like a bunch of college mascots. But then some of them, then you saw the dark side creep in, like some of them had little studded collars on because apparently at night shit gets a little weird with some of them.

You know, there's holes in the costume and there's some furry sex going on. A lot of furry sex. Yeah. Yeah. But they were great. sex going on. A lot of furry sex. Yeah. Yeah. But they were great. I took pictures with like a hundred of them. I just kept asking. And the thing is,

is there's, they're really into hugging. Like the rule is, if you just ask any, any of them will hug you. Really? And I would go downstairs and get a cup of coffee. I'd hug like three fucking guys.

That's hilarious. Can I have a hug? Sure. And they just wrap their arms around you and pat you on the back. And they all had their helmets on? Oh, they keep them on. Yeah, they don't fuck around. When they're drinking the coffee, do they keep it on?

They don't drink anything. Oh, you were drinking the coffee. Yeah, I did. But I was talking to the bartender down. I was having lunch downstairs. I was like, these guys drink a lot. He's like, I've sold one beer in the last day to these people. They're just uber nerds.

Whoa. Uber nerds. Whoa. Uber nerds. They all have like, the ones I saw out of costume had like just those pale puffy faces that look like they're just, the only light they've gotten is off a computer screen

off the last 10 years. And they're really like ass burgers-y. You know, we'd be on the elevator and they're like, call out your floors. And one guy goes four, other guy goes eight four. Other guy goes, eight. There we go.

It's so bizarre. He goes, eight, four. Four is half of eight. We are all looking at Greg's Instagram right now. Did you talk to them? Oh, yeah. Did you ask them what's up? Yeah, they said, you know, we're in my town.

I get made fun of because there's only two of us that do this. And then I come here and I just feel like so free and so like, you know, among friends. And there's a bunch of conventions that they go to, like Comic-Con type places. And they get to know each other. And, you know, it's like a whole community. Good for them. Yeah. You know what I mean, man?

I mean, yeah, it's retarded, but no one's hurting them or no one's getting hurt. I'm jealous of anybody that finds, like, you've always had things you're passionate about, you know, whether it's taekwondo or, you know, mixed martial arts or whatever. And it's like to find something in your life, no matter what it is, that gives you a community and gives you something that you're going to kind of grow in over time. It's great. It doesn't matter what it is. You're jealous of that?

Yeah, I never had that. Never had that. Well, you have interest, though. I think family became the only thing. Well, stand up, obviously. But family is the only thing I ever got really into. Like long term, committed, don't get sick of. When you're old, you'll be happy that you made that choice.

Yeah. Because there's a lot of people that made the different choice and got really obsessed with something else that led them away from their family. Right, right. And then they get older and they realize it was just bowling. Right. Like, why did I have to go bowl all over the world and miss my kids growing up? Right. Because I got really into bowling.

miss my kids growing up right because i got really into bowling there's a dude who was a big showrunner here in la and i was friends with him and he got really into horses he bought horses and they were up in pasadena and he would go up there on the weekends he'd work all week and he'd go up on the weekends he had a daughter and uh one night he was in the middle of dinner and he went upstairs to his room and he put a plastic bag over his head and he killed himself are they related the horses and the killing himself well i think he was he was away from his family he was like with his free time that's that's how he was spending it away all the time and that's that's the only thing i could think of that would cause it is like you ever sit down with your family and this is the greatest guy i mean i love this guy but it just it made me think like the saddest times sometimes are when you're with your family and for whatever

reason you're not feeling connected you're just feeling like they're talking and you're pretending to listen but you're just in your head thinking why don't i feel close right now and you know and there's most times you don't feel like that but once in a while you do and that those are like the saddest moments of my life because it's all right there in front of me and I can't touch it. Ooh, that's deep. Yeah. Jesus.

I mean, obviously the guy's dead, so there's no way we could ever really know what his motive was or what the, what the real big factor was that pushed him over the edge. Yeah. But I think sometimes people just aren't fucking happy. And I think it can, you can narrow it down to a couple different things or it can be, it could be a group of experiences from their life that they've never gotten over.

It could be breakups. You know, I know people that have been dumped like in high school or college and just really never recovered. They, you know i know people that have been dumped like in high school or college and just really never recovered they you know they had a love and then that person just left them for someone else or something like that and then they never bounced back they fucking nosedive went right into the rocks and just never came out never had another relationship yeah dude it's fucking it's it's normal i mean it happens and it wasn't about that happens. And it wasn't about that. Like you said, it wasn't about that relationship.

It was about what came before it. Something set the stage for them to be that fragile. That's the best way to say it. Yeah. Something set the stage. Once I loved and it was a gas, soon turned out, had a heart of glass. Rapture. She was the first rapper.

She was. Or one of them, right? Well, no, she was hanging out with the Sugarhill Gang and all those guys. Was she? Yeah. She hung out with them? She hung out with the earliest rappers. It was like at CBGB's and then she'd go uptown.

Wow. And she rapped it out. The Sugar Hill Gang happened. It was popular when I was in, I think I was in 7th or 8th grade. I think I was in 7th grade. I'm not sure. One of those. But when it happened, I remember we were in the cafeteria. And somehow or another, someone had a boom box or something like that. And they were playing it in my junior high school.

It was when I was living in Jamaica Plain. My junior high school was super sketchy. Like we had, we'd lived in a very bad neighborhood and the Jamaica Plain has kind of become gentrified now a little bit. But when I lived there, like in 1979, 1980, I guess is when I lived there, it was shit. Yeah. It was just, it was not good. And there was kids in our class.

When I was, I guess, like I said, I was 13, and there was a kid in my class that was 17. You're not cheating off him during a quiz. But it was weird. Like, he was there for the first couple days, and then he left, and then he quit. Again. He just never stuck it out with school, and he was there for a little while, and then he left and then he quit again he just never wow never stuck it out with school and he was there for a little while and he bailed and i was like and i remember the the feeling of sadness and i remember a girl in my class was kind of a hoe she was also a little

bit older she was uh she was 16 and she was uh in the 13 year old class right and she asked the teacher uh she goes if you're making out with someone and you breathe out and they breathe it in and they breathe out and you breathe it in do you need any more air it's a good fucking question it's not a bad question but i remember i remember thinking man this bitch gets fucked a lot that's all i was thinking it's like she like, I'm tired of regular air. I just want air only from people who are fucking me. Right, right, right. If your uncle exhales and you... I mean, you know, hypothetically.

Not my uncle. Hypothetically, if you're in the basement and your uncle is whispering into your mouth... Like, what a crazy question. Like, if you could just breathe each other's air back and forth. And the science teacher, who she asked a question to, had explained that you breathe out carbon dioxide. Yeah.

He was the first guy that really kind of blew my mind. You know, you have those science teachers, or any kind of teacher, like when you're really young, that actually make an impression. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. I wish I could remember this guy's name, but he was a Vietnam vet. And he was a very interesting guy because he was very calm. But, like, people didn't fuck with him. He had this weird air, but he had a beard, which I always thought was weird.

It was back when people didn't have beards, like a hipster beard. And I remember he said, if you really want to understand how strange the world is, just go outside and look up and understand that there's no end to that, that it goes on forever. And just, you want to hurt your brain? Go outside and look up at the sky and realize that space is infinite,

which means there's no end to it. And I remember the whole class, two 16-year-olds and the rest of us were like 13. We're just sitting there like, what the fuck? There's no end. How come nobody ever explained that to me? I never even thought about it before. I always knew the universe was big.

I always knew space was big. But when he said that, like no end, like you start thinking, okay, and then further, and then further, and then further, and there's no wall. There like no end, like you start thinking, okay, and then further and then further and then further. And there's no wall. There's no end. Yeah. So there can't be an answer because it didn't come back.

Whatever question you sent out there can't come back because it's still going out there. It's like when I think about whether or not there's a God, that's to me, I just think of the word infinity. And I just think, all right, if science can ever grapple with that, then I'll believe that there's no God. You believe there's a God? Yeah. Do you? Yeah. What do you believe, like that there's an old dude in a cloud?

No, nothing like that. I can't articulate it that well because I've never set out to make anybody agree with me. It's just my own personal. Part of it is I think I was raised very Irish Catholic. Right. And you know, you learn the Ten Commandments, you know, thou shalt have no other gods

before me, and you know, you think about this force in the universe that has all the answers, and I don't know that I ever fully let go of that, but it morphed into my kind of like a Taoist. There's an energy that flows like with nature and that all energy is part of it and that your goal to achieve enlightenment is to just become part of that energy, to let go and

become part of it. Like that to me is God, is that there is something that has created the initial physical laws of the universe and that those, whatever happens within that happens, but that there was something that engineered the way that there are physiological reactions within an atom the same way there are in a universe. And I would imagine galaxies within the universe all behave the same way, you know, a proton and electron work in an atom.

Well, I think it's fractal. I think that's one of the things that they're starting to realize now when they look into subatomic particles and they try to understand, like, what's the relationship between atoms and the universe itself. And I think as you go deeper and deeper and deeper, it starts to resemble the universe more and more. Yeah. The universe is mostly empty space, right? Black matter. Yeah, which they don't necessarily totally understand. Yeah.

Black matter is this weird thing that they're trying to figure out to try to, from the way it's been explained to me by physicists, because I'm an idiot, and I ask them, I'm like, okay, try to explain this to me. They don't know why these galaxies behave the way they do. They don't know why. And one of the ways they have formulated to try to make it make sense is this concept of dark matter yeah and they say with einstein's theory of relativity that that it is the the black matter that has an effect on um the way light bends and the way gravity acts upon things physicists are listening to us right now going what are these fucking monkeys talking about we're not even high we should get high and try to work this out. Oh, my God. Yeah, it really is intense because, you know, when I am feeling down, I do start thinking about the big questions just to shrink everything the fuck down.

Well, I don't know if the word God is serving us very well. You're right. That's a problem. Yeah. I think it's a loaded word, you know. It's like it's got too much weight behind problem. Yeah. I think it's a loaded word. It's got too much weight behind it. Yeah. And also, it's got so many meanings that connect to religious fundamentalism.

Yeah. It's like ideologies that human beings have obviously created. Women wearing burkas and all kinds of wacky shit that's connected to these concepts of religious ideology. When you say the word God, you immediately sort of have a bridge to these concepts of religious ideology and you say the word god you immediately sort of you have a bridge to these fundamentalist ideas yeah and they're not that good yeah i think it's almost like again going back to my catholicism i guess it just became a replacement for that that concept yeah but you're right i think that there's that there's a lot of stigma attached to it. And trying to get somebody to agree with your God is the thing that's always fascinated me.

Why do you need a bunch of people to convert and kneel next to you and all have the same beliefs? Why can't you just have your understanding and be peaceful with it? That's how you know that veganism is a religion. Yeah. Because they're all trying to get you to do it too. Right. all trying to get we're gonna save the world meanwhile polar bears are eating their kids yeah not saving shit yeah right i mean the idea of stopping torture and stopping you know uh factory farming these are all good things the less harm we can do is all a good thing but there's something about that need to convert people there's something about that patronizing attitude they have there's something about this overwhelming desire to

incorporate other people into their group that completely smacks of religion well you do that uh beak room yoga right yeah because i did a couple of classes and then i found out it was a cult 100 they started trying to indoctrinate me into these long-term contracts. I was like, can I just come and pay you 25 bucks and take the fucking class? Do I have to agree with you spiritually also? Well, they say crazy shit too. Like, this supports your inverse colon. Okay, can I see some documentation?

Can I see some medical studies? Like, what the fuck are you talking about? A friend of mine teaches yoga and I actually had a conversation with her about it I'm like, you know teaches Bikram a regular. Yeah, and I was like maybe Some teachers should probably stop saying these things about like medical stuff Yeah, because they teach you that in Bikram yoga like they teach you to say that but Bikram himself is a fucking crook Yeah But Bikram himself is a fucking crook. Yeah. He's a crazy con man and a cult leader. Right.

And he's just got sued for like millions of dollars for sexual harassment and rape. Yeah. I mean, he's like, I mean, allegedly a piece of shit. Yeah. You know? And he's the leader of this whole thing. Somebody explained to me, an instructor explained to me why he teaches Bikram yoga and he's like look the method is very good the method of doing it in the hot room 104 degrees the the poses themselves in

that order the 90 minutes of them are excellent he goes I 100 believe in the method of it but the method wasn't even created by Bikram that's right It was created by another guy in the 30s. Yep. And Bikram copyrighted it, but he recently lost a court case. See, what happens is, people get into yoga, they say, I want to be spiritual, I want to be healthy, and they start taking yoga. Then they find out about this Bikram guy, and they go, what

the fuck? What the fuck is going on, man? He recently got busted, right? They were trying to assess assess his assets because they were suing the shit out of him all these people that he tried to fuck or whatever hell he did yeah allegedly by the way allegedly i don't want to get sued but he they they found he had a warehouse filled with like rolls royces and bentley's and shit and you know what his explanation was he was going to start an engine an automotive engineering school for children and that's why he

got these cars that's his fucking explanation well you gotta understand kids they want to work on large motors only bentley's on and bentley's they're into bling bling cars oh my god that's hilarious fucking dipshit yeah oh yeah well it my God. Yeah, well, it's amazing because, you know, yoga is, it can be spiritual, but it can also be, like, I used to go to this place called Yaz in Venice Beach, and it was yoga and spinning together. So you'd get on a spin bike for, it was perfect, one hour, 30 minutes on a spin bike, and then 30 minutes of, like, power yoga. power yoga and you walked out with like a great cardio workout stretched out and they didn't utter a word about anything spiritual because it was sort of like the antidote to like Bikram where they're trying to suck you into something right but I miss I miss that little vinyasa at the end I like a little bit of like a meditation that's led in a very simple way because it's like you're already in that almost sub-rem state and then physically you can it's like you're already in that almost sub REM state and then physically you

can it's just so much easier to go into that mental you like you've really earned that that uh meditation well it's 90 minutes too yeah 90 minutes is fucking hard to do yeah it's hard to do a 90 minute class at 104 degrees we're stretching out but what I find one of the big benefits of it not just physical because there's some massive physical benefits. First of all, my back feels amazing since I've been doing it. And I've been doing it like real steady every week since about August, somewhere around then, where it was when I started. You do it once a week? Sometimes twice a week, but mostly once a week. But I'm going to try to do three times a week. What I'm going to try to do now, because I've dedicated myself to this new diet, and I talked about it a lot. And one of the things I

found out is if you talk about something like on a podcast, and you say, hey, for the next 60 days, I'm not going to have any added sugar, no grains, no this, no that. You just do it, because you've already said it. And then other people hear it, the people that listen to the podcast, they go, oh, well, I'll fucking fucking try that too and then I hear about all the benefits these people are having from the diet and then I'm like alright well I'm gonna just cause if it was just me if I said I'll give this a shot and then I pass by

some place with a chocolate croissant I'm like fuck yeah give me that but I can't so I'm not doing it and then these other people follow and soon you're gonna have a fucking fleet of rolls of rices no my cult's free it's no entry fee you can leave whatever you want these other people follow. Yeah. And soon you're going to have a fucking fleet of Rolls Royces. No. My cult's free. It's no entry fee.

You can leave whatever you want. YouTube cult. But my idea is that I'm going to commit to doing it three days a week because three days a week is fucking hard for me. It's very difficult. So I'm going to do 60 days

of three days a week. I'm going to see how that feels. But the tough thing is I found when I did it, I couldn't do shit. I had like two spots that night and I was still not a hundred percent i was a little light-headed still well you probably need to rehydrate yeah probably needed more water and also electrolytes somebody told me you got to get a lot of uh yeah you sweat a lot man 140 degrees you're poor and sweat

by the end of it i mean i'm fucking drenched and i have this huge like uh thermos that i fill with ice and water before the class and by the end of it it's empty yeah the the idea that i could drink that much water in 90 minutes is crazy yeah and the idea that it just i just go right through it it's just so hot in there but the benefits for your body are definitely legit like my flexibility is fantastic right now my back feels amazing and the big one though is how shit just rolls off your back yeah like things don't bother me really the way they would bother me if I wasn't doing it no shit yeah it's it's amazing what the example uses one this guy rear-ended my car, my Porsche.

While you were at a stoplight? No, even worse. There was a construction on the highway, and this guy wasn't fucking paying attention. He was looking at his phone, and he was from Mexico. No driver's license. Oh. Illegal. Slams on his brakes.

Plows into me with his Honda Civic. Just wrecks his car. His car was totaled. My car was actually not that bad. They just had to – because Porsches actually design their cars incredibly well. Yeah. And they have this collision bar behind the engine that accordions when it gets hit. And it completely protected the engine.

Oh, shit. Yeah. So it was only like a two-week fix. Yeah. I sent it back to Shark Works in Northern California. They fixed it. I had it back in two weeks. Fine.

Good as new. But no compensation from the other driver? Allegedly, yeah. Some insurance. We'll see. But most likely, no. But the thing is, man, I saw the guy. I looked at him.

He wasn't paying attention. I looked at him look up. I saw the look in his eyes. You realize right before he hits, this this fucking guy he slammed on his brakes right before he hit and luckily he wasn't going too fast because traffic was going kind of slow but um i got out and i wasn't upset it was weird i mean this is i fucking love that car yeah i mean it is a rare car there's very few of them you can't get them anymore like if you buy them they're extremely hard to find and mine is really rare because it's it was done

by shark works with this company in northern california yeah you told me about shit to it so but i got out and the first thing i did i go up to my you go you okay and he's like yeah yeah i'm okay i'm like okay well we're both okay and And I swear to God, man, I wasn't even upset. I was not upset. I was like level. And it was because I did yoga that day and I'd done it another day that week. And I was just, I was on my way to the store. That was what I was worried about was I was going to miss my spot because, uh, you know, I'm, I usually give myself like, I like to get there like 20 minutes before and I'm like, this might fuck me up. Right. But I really attribute that to just a, there's a balance that you get from doing something like that where you're exerting yourself extremely hard for 90 minutes. It's so fucking difficult.

And most people don't know. You pass by yoga studios, you look in there and you go, ah, a bunch of housewives playing with their feet. They're not doing anything. But it's fucking, it's a struggle struggle and it's a mental struggle yeah you break through some walls for sure and the thing is is i remember i used to take it up in san francisco and for year this is 10 15 years ago i used to take it up in san francisco i don't know if it was back then or it was just hot yoga but when i tried to leave the studio because i felt dizzy and nauseous everyone in the class was like no you can do it instead like they really encourage you to

break through together it's like a team effort to get through it there's a lot of support in that because if you're by yourself and you've experienced that same feeling you're usually like oh stop right here yeah relax but you can't stop because everything's timed. The teacher's timing it and they're going to push you through it. And everyone else in the class is doing it. It's a 60 year old lady right next to me. She's doing it. How come I can't do it? We all experience the same thing. And you realize that's the thing about yoga. It's like maybe one person might be able to lift a heavier weight than this person, or they might be able to run faster. But the effort that a 60 year old person puts in versus a 20-year-old person is the same

because it's 100%. You're putting in 100% effort to move your body. So you might be able to move more or have more flexibility than another person, but the amount of effort you put in is the same. So class is never easy because it's always 100% effort. So it's always fucking difficult. Well, and my friend explained to me, I didn't realize this, but that each pose is working a different organ that you're cleaning out. You're compressing.

I'm not compressing any fucking organs. What are you, a machine? What are you, a vice? Compressing your organs. What are you, toothpaste? You're stretching and holding it. Yeah. That's what you're doing. You're pushing your organs. What are your toothpaste? You're stretching and holding it. Yeah. That's what you're doing.

You're pushing your body. I mean, I'm sure there's some sort of benefits to your organs. Yeah. You know, because there's benefits to all your muscles. Your circulation is pumping. Yeah. You know, you're sweating like crazy. There's probably a lot of benefits.

How would you describe the smell of a Bikram yoga room? Like a foot, underarm, butthole. Little vagina. And then a lot of anti-fungal sprays and a lot of deodorants and whatever the fuck they're using to clean it, whatever detergents. Yeah, you need to let go into the smell a little bit too. At first, that's a wall you get through as well. Well, the place I go to, they do a great job of cleaning the carpets and vacuuming it.

Carpets, really? Yeah, exactly. It shouldn't be a carpet, right? Damn. It should be a hardwood floor. Yeah. But it's too slippery. Hardwood floors get super slippery.

Yeah. And people fall and fucking rip their knees apart. I took a shower afterwards. And usually, you know, I'm always self-conscious in a shower. Nudity was just not part of my upbringing at all. I think, again, Irish Catholic shame. Right. But my dick was hanging low with that heat.

It looked good. My balls were fucking just swinging. Isn't it funny that your dick, especially your balls, literally stretches to get the fuck away from your body? Like, this guy's overheating. Let's get out of here. Hang low.

Hang low. There's an asshole back there. Get away from the asshole. Yeah, and then when it's cold, it hides. It goes, we got to fucking let us in. Let us in. There's this one weirdo who goes to my yoga class, and he always looks at me like I stole something from him.

I'm like, I don't even know you, man. I didn't do anything. I always say hi to him, and he's always reluctant to say hi back. When he comes out of the shower, he cups his balls in his dick. Oh, shit. No one can see. Really? Yeah.

There's something wrong with this guy. Well, if you can cup both balls in your dick with one hand. Yeah. He's got issues. I can see why he's hiding. Well, he doesn't want you to see it. But it's also like he looks at other men like they did something to him. I've seen him, and I've watched him interact with other men too.

It's like, what happened to you, dude? This guy just said hi to you and you looked at him like you just stole your fucking girlfriend or something. It's weird. It's like sometimes I was just on the road in Addison. And you know these guys from Texas, they come up and they're like, they got on the crisp polo shirt and the fucking slacks with pleats and tassels on there. Yeah, and they're real crew cut and they're fucking built. And this guy comes up

and he right in my face grabs my hand. He's like, how you doing? And I go, it's okay. I don't need to buy any insurance today. Like I get you're an alpha. You're an alpha. You're not gay.

I got it. Take it easy on my hand. Nice tassels on your shoes there, fella. Those slip-on loafers you got there. Yeah, right, right. Why are people still buying those double tassels? Like little bells. Those little fucking weird things. What are those? The little octopuses that are hanging from the body? They don't look good. They look stupid. But they're so common. It's like there's a style that got created and just they stuck with it.

Like ties. Yeah, ties. The whole idea of dangling a piece of material from in front of you. Yeah, there they are. Oh my god. Look how stupid that looks. And why is it always with no socks? I don't know, man. And it's always guys with little feet. Your feet must stink in those things.

They gotta stink. There's no air getting into those things. Yeah, and it's leather. Leather, your sweaty ass feet with no socks. It's almost like what you'd see a bagpiper wear. Oh, it's a weird fetish. Yeah. Oh.

Yeah, okay. Jesus. Okay, dork. Right now, where are you? He's texting his girlfriendish. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, okay. Jesus. Okay, dork. Right now, where are you? He's texting his girlfriend. She's getting stuffed by some other dude, just gorilla fucked by some guy she met at the gym. While he's out there getting a manicure. Well, I was going to go to the gym, but my nails are horrendous.

Yeah. So I'll call you later. We're still going to do the tapas bar, and she's just getting stuffed. What are you going to wear, by the way? I want to make sure it matches what I'm wearing. Don't wear blue because I'm wearing blue. I'm dressed as Alan DeGeneres. You'll be able to see me. I'm dressed

as Alan's wife. I'm dressed as poor skin DeRossi. Oh yeah, that's beautiful. That's great. And he only fucks her up the ass. That's when you get a wonder. You think so?

Always. Is there a guy like that? He's just... Really? Yeah. She's only taking up the ass, and he's always, like, got his hand in front of her pussy, and he's jacking it up and down. She's like, what are you doing?

You're really specific. Is there an air cock that you're jerking off from? I put my tassels on. I need my tassels. Wear my loafers. I want to feel like we're fucking at the office. You don't even work in an office. I want to.

Don't fuck up the fantasy. You're black. I want to be normal. I want to be the executive. Today I'm the executive. I'm sexually harassing. I want you to sue me while I'm fucking you. We're fucking because I got a promotion.

You don't even have a job. I got a promotion today. Stop ruining it. Promotion? You get a trust fund. That world, man. That world that most people who are listening to this are stuck in. That world of trying to get a promotion, trying to move your way up the company ladder,

going to company meetings, hundreds of people all getting together, wives and husbands and fucking shaking hands and wearing your loafers. Wearing your loafers and trying to figure out what church you're supposed to go to to get ahead. Oh, God. What country club to join once you get to that next level. Country club. I looked at houses in, do you know where Lake Sherwood is? No.

Lake Sherwood is an area like out near Thousand Oaks. Really nice, really nice place. And it's a giant country club, like a gated community country club. Yeah. And we looked at a house there. And when we were there, I was like, what is this place? What's going on in this place? It's all like people who go there and they play golf because it's like you to sign up and be a part of the golf thing.

The golf costs like some insane amount of money a year, like really stupid money. Like pull that up. Find out how much Lakeshore. They're not going to list it. Country Club. But I think it's like a quarter million dollars a year. Yeah. Like something stupid.

I might be wrong. Maybe it's 50 grand or something like that. Yeah. But it's something where you're like, what? Well, they're just trying to keep out anybody who's not stupid wealthy. Right. Does it say? Yeah.

Does it say how much, Jamie? $185,000. They list? I thought those clubs would keep that on the down low. It's not on their website. It's the article I found. Oh, right. $185,000 if you want to play golf there.

Yeah, because think about it. If you're a billionaire, $185,000 doesn't mean shit to you except that people without it can't get in. Yeah. You know, it's not affecting your bottom line. It's just an insurance policy. And then you see these clubs. Like, there's a club in Santa Monica. I forget which one it is.

But you drive past it, there's never anybody on the course. This is miles. Think about the real estate in Santa Monica. If you had a 3,000 square foot store, you'd be paying, you know, $10,000 a month for it. Now take that store, step it into a golf course that's square miles in that same neighborhood. What is that possibly worth? And there's nobody playing on the course. It's insane.

It's insane. And the amount of water. Oh, yeah. The sheer amount of water that gets used by golf courses. They had a chart that showed all the water that's being used by residential people and houses and regular folks versus agriculture. And agriculture is just staggering how much water they use. But the really nutty one was millions and millions of gallons.

How many millions are being used by golf courses just in Southern California? I mean, it's like a significant percentage of our water usage is golf. Yeah. Yeah, and they write off the land. They don't have to pay taxes on it as much as normally because they call it. You ready for this? It's like a it's it's considered wildlife. What? Like every city is supposed to have zoned out a certain amount of undeveloped land for the environment. Oh, my God.

And golf courses were able to loophole their way into that. So they don't pay as much tax. No. Yeah. It's a wildlife preserve. Right. It's for squirrels. Squirrels with fucking bumps on their head from getting hit by golf balls. How many squirrels have been murked by a fucking blind drive?

Imagine if you're a squirrel just hitting the edge. A fucking golf ball bigger than your head comes 75 miles an hour. It's like, wait, Darwin didn't teach me about this. How do I react to this in nature? My friend Ryan got hit in the head by a line drive, and he said he was fucked up for like six months. Really? Six months, he had massive headaches. It's a fucking hard ball, man.

I know too many people that have had significant head problems from getting hit in the head. I know too many people that have had like significant head problems from getting hit in the head. Like people always wonder like why I'm always droning on and on about head trauma and MMA and football and the dangers of it. Because I know a lot of people that one knockout and they're fucked for like a year. Yeah. Yeah. Constant headaches. Right.

Constant ringing in their ear. My son just got his first concussion. He played soccer. And he got, I think he got kneed in the head in a collision. And he was out of school for a week. He couldn't, like he'd go to school and he'd have his head down on his desk in first period and have to come home again. Wow. It was bad. And it was like, fuck, man. You don't know when that happens.

A concussion can last a day. It can last, like you said, it could go on and on with headaches. It's really important to recognize that because there's a lot of restrictions they put on athletes after they've been KO'd. For fighters, they'll say no contact for 30 days or 60 days. But that's not adequate because you really don't know. Each individual case of someone getting knocked out is is totally different right one person get knocked out and they're fine a couple days later and then another person would get knocked out and they're fucked up for a long time like i got um tko'd once

in a kickboxing fight and uh i was exhausted it was the third fight of the night i had fought twice that night before that fight. And part of it was exhaustion. I did get clipped with a good left hook, though. My legs gave out. I went down. I never went out. But sometimes a punch to the jaw is weird, too, because a punch to the jaw, what happens is it's not even necessarily your brain.

It's like the nerve behind, like the nerves. The way this has been explained to me is your jaw, when it moves, can slam into the nerve. And when it slams into the nerve, it like short circuits your system. Yeah. And your legs give out. It's weird. It's not good for you. But my point is, I was fine after that.

Like I was fine that night. I was fine the next day. Yeah. I mean, it wouldn't be a good idea if I had another fight after that. But it wasn't like I had ringing in my ears and headaches and I was in like serious pain. But I had other times just from sparring sessions where I didn't get knocked out, where my head was pounding for days and days. Just from taking a punch.

Just from taking a punch or a kick. And you don't know, you don't know which day you're going to be fine or which day you're going to be fucked. It all depends entirely on how you get hit, how your body responds to it, what the actual damage is. And no one, you can't tell unless you get in the brain. Yeah. They really can't tell. They don't know. You know who's amazing is James Bond will get knocked out, like out. Somebody, you know, like a bad guy will elbow him and he'll fucking lose consciousness.

He'll get up and like drive a car, dance. Well, he gets pistol whipped too. He gets pistol whipped. They get pistol whipped in the back of the head. They go down, they wake up. Oh, you hit me. They just get up. They get nothing.

Keep on going. That's that pistol whip to the back of the head move. It's like always effective. I know. You never kill the guy. And also when you're fighting a bunch of people, you can pistol whip. You've got to shoot some. You can pistol whip the others, and they'll go down, and you just know they're going to

stay down until you're clear, until you're out of there. When was the first time you saw someone actually get knocked out? How many people have you seen get knocked out in real life? Bar fights, I've seen tons. Like KOs? Yeah, I've seen KOs in Boston outside of bars. Street KOs are the scariest because they bounce their head off the concrete. Yeah, right.

There's something sickening, just absolutely sickening about the sound of an unconscious person's head bouncing off the concrete. Yeah, I saw this kid when I was about 17. I was at a bar in Tarrytown where I grew up, and this kid, he was on stairs, this bar that had an upstairs, and this one kid was coming up,

other one was coming down, and they had a beef, and the kid above just fucking clocked this guy, and he fell backwards, hit his head. He was in a coma for six months. Oh, my God.

Still not 100%. This, you know, I mean, 10 years later, I haven't seen him since, but 10 years later, the guy was off. Oh, my God. What happened to the guy who did it to him? Went to jail. For how long? Just like three months.

Not enough. Nope. Fuck. No, bar fights are no joke, man. Kevin James used to work as a bouncer in a bar in Long Island. Guy he was working with punched a guy. The guy fell back, hit his head off the curb, and died. Ooh.

Yeah. guy he was working with punched a guy the guy fell back hit his head off the curb and died yeah just fucking bar fight bouncer drunk guy punches the guy jail go to jail yeah jail manslaughter hold him wow yeah just it's no joke people think it's a joke you know it's like you got all these tough guys that go out to the bars and then you know hey we have a fist fight and you know it can end very fucking tragically very fast some comic at the comedy store got knocked out like about i want to say about a year ago maybe even less yeah um he was on a motorcycle and he pulled up to the comedy store and he parked his motorcycle and um i guess he kept it running and some guy yelled at him hey man shut that fucking thing off. Like, they were having a conversation, like, over by the patio.

Yeah. And he laughed at him, like, because the guy was, like, saying it, like, really aggressive. And he took his helmet off. The guy walked over to him and just fucking cold-cocked him and knocked him out. Wow. Just for having a motorcycle running. Oh, shit. I guess it was one of those loud, like, Harley things that people love.

They love those loud like Harley things that people love they love those loud, right? But they say that those are loud that's good because it saves you from people colliding fuck that if I was a cop You know they have like that they have like a noise meter. That is my biggest pet peeve You're having a conversation on the street And you have to stop for 20 seconds because some fucking asshole has got a muffler that he jacked up to make that much noise. Like he's, oh, what are you, powerful? Oh, I hate that shit.

And you feel it in your chest when they go by? They're really loud, some of those bikes. Really, really loud. Second only to the truck that has like that massive horn that makes your body go paralyzed

for like a second. Like a dog whistle yeah your body just goes what yeah yeah those loud motorcycles though like i guess too loud is you know a problem but like harley like when you buy one from a store without fucking with it that's fine in the but that that level of loudness apparently prevents a lot of accidents. Yeah. Because people hear it and then they avoid you. Because part of the problem with motorcycle accidents, say if you have one of those Japanese speed bikes,

they don't make that much noise. Right. So you've got to rum, rum when you're next to people so they know you're there. Because people are fucking texting and drifting. How often do you look over and you see people texting? Oh, yeah. And I drive a Prius because I'm dead inside.

But people really can't hear you. I pulled up today to Valley Park, and the guy's fucking sitting there doing a crossword puzzle, and I'm looking at him. And I finally went, excuse me. He's like, oh, sorry, I didn't hear you. And it's like, you feel insignificant already in a Prius? You feel castrated and a zero.

They don't make any noise. Here's me flooring it. Then your car. You know you want to get a nice car. I did. You've been thinking about this for years. What holds you back? I need a little bump of money. To justify it because the college fund isn't there yet. I got to get a

little, get a nice little hit. Go out and buy that Mustang. The new ones? You've seen the new ones? Yeah. My friend Matt Farah just sent me a text. Apparently, the new Shelby, they have a new Shelby GT350, and he just sent me a text about it. And he said he's emailing everyone he knows at Ford just begging them to sell him one.

Oh, they're hard to get. They're hard to get. Because it's a Shelby GT350. So they have a PR guy that's going to hook him up. But he said, like, literally, it is the best car he's ever driven. How much is it? I don't know. Not that expensive, though.

It's, like, less than a lot of cars. But apparently they're really hard to get, the Shelby. But you don't need a Shelby. Like a GT, a Mustang GT. One of the cool things about the Horsepower Wars, like here's... What's all that white stuff on it? Is that just like shininess?

What is that? Is that a fucked up part of what the image... Is it like an artifact? I don't know. It's not on my screen. It's not on my screen. I don't know what that is. See if we can find another one.

It's not on your screen? No. Oh, it's only when it transfers over to the television? Yeah. Oh, how weird. That's weird. How fucking strange is that um there's other images i'm sure you can find but anyway the car is a monster but a regular mustang gt the thing is a regular one like find out how much a regular mustang gt is i think it's only about i want to say it's about 35 grand they'd start at gt i think, is more than that.

I think a regular Mustang, just like a baseline Mustang, you can get for about $32,000. Really? Not GT350, Jamie. Just GT. Ford Mustang GT. Yeah. How much do those bitches cost? I think, like, well, the thing, what I was saying is like for the amount of

look at that 32 grand for a Mustang GT that's fucking crazy the amount of power that those things have and how good they run and how good they drive it's a bargain it's an amazing bargain because they have more than 400 horsepower those things are fast as fuck

like what is it 430 what does it say there Jamie don't scroll real quick what is it, 430? What does it say there, Jamie? Don't scroll real quick. What does it say? 435. 435 fucking horsepower. 400 foot pound of torque for 32 grand. I mean, that's incredible. Yeah.

And the interior looks good. They have Recaro cloth front seats. Think about what it would have cost to make a car with those dimensions 10 years ago. They couldn't do it. Well, how about this? You would blow the doors off a Ferrari of 20 years ago. Yeah. With this car, with this $32,000 car.

Right. And it sounds great. It's a wonderful American V8. Yeah. They look great. I mean, I would drive that 100%. Yeah. And it'd be fun.

Those are fun to fucking drive, man. Yeah. It's a great car. And for 32 grand, whenever we talk about these things, people get mad. They go, $32,000 is a lot of money. Relax. I've got to get some ads on my – my ads have slowed down on my podcast. I've got to hook some up.

Have they slowed down because you haven't pursued them? No, I think my people. Your ad people are not good? They're slacking? Slacking. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard're slacking? Slacking. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard to do all that shit yourself.

Yeah. You rely on other people to get it for you. They better do their job. Right. I'll connect you to my guys after we're done here. Yeah.

They're good. I'd be telling. Yeah, you gotta, the thing is, you gotta find something you actually like. Like, my favorite ads are like Dollar Shave Club

or something like that. Yeah, fuck yeah. Dollar Shave Club or something like that. Yeah, fuck yeah. Dollar Shave Club. It's great. It's 100% legit. I like advertising that. Squarespace.

Squarespace is good. Blue Apron. Blue Apron's great. Yeah. Fucking less than 10 bucks a meal. Yeah. Finding stuff to eat. That's the whole key to it. I've had a lot of people try to advertise and i'm like oh i can't get behind that

one of them was like an uber for babysitters i was like get the fuck out of here really crazy you have some person come over and and watch the the most important person in your life other than your spouse just randomly randomly because it's cheaper yeah they're all they're screened like yeah yeah there's certain things you can't go by price. Yeah. You know? Oof. Yeah, there's some that, do you do the betting sites like DraftKings and all that?

Yeah, I did. I had them for a long time. I haven't done one in a while. I like the idea behind it, but some people say that there's issues with how you get paid. Oh, yeah? Or not how you get paid, rather, but how many people get paid. Like, weren't you saying something like that, Jamie? What were you saying?

When I found out about most of it was like 1% of the players were making like something like 90% to 95% of the money. Oh, yeah? Again, these fucking 1%ers. The 1%ers. Goddamn 1%ers. All white guys. Yeah, white guys that know a lot about sports.

But I feel like if you understand a lot about MMA, and that's one of the things where I like it. I'm like, man, I feel like you can make money. If you're one of those crazy people that goes on MixedMartialArts.com and you're there every day and you know all the fucking stats. You watch all the training videos. You know who's training with who and this guy's got this new trainer and it's going to

help him. I just feel like those guys Did you have any inkling about that last fight, the two big upsets last week? Yeah, both of them. You had a feeling on both of them that they'd be upsets? No. I had a feeling that Holly could get beat by Misha, but I thought Connor was going to get beat by Nate. I had a feeling. I said it to my Misha, but I thought Connor was gonna get beat by Nate

Hmm. I had a feeling I said it to my friends too that were sitting right behind me I took my headset off as they were doing the the introductions. I said this is no shit really Yeah, I could tell well we just saw an upset when Misha choked Holly out Yeah and I knew that Misha was gonna fight real smart and The way she fought was super cautious on the outside. And she made Holly come to her, which is not how Holly likes to fight. When Ronda fought Holly, it was the perfect fight for Holly.

Because Ronda charged after her like a maniac. And Holly just sidestepped her, blasted her, moved back, blasted her. She just countered her. And for a person who's a counter-striker, that style that Ronda employed is the perfect style. Even more perfect for someone like Holly because Ronda doesn't kick. So Ronda has a short-range attack, short-range attack,

and on top of that, her grappling is a limited attack because she only likes to tie up with the upper body. Like, Ronda doesn't take anybody down by shooting on their legs. Yeah. So I knew that Holly fighting Misha would, she would have a totally different type of opponent. First of all, Misha's not going to charge at her.

She's not stupid. She's not reckless. She's not a fucking crazed maniac like Ronda was in that fight. Ronda was just a maniac. She just wanted to smash her face in. You can't fight like that. And Misha fought like super intelligent, very cautious, stayed on the outside. And then once in the second round, Misha got her down and just dominated her on the ground I was like okay my suspicions were correct right Misha can do this but then Holly pulled it off for the

next couple rounds and uh looked like Holly was going to probably win a decision if she won the last round and then Misha took her down and choked her unconscious and that was just madness that must have been the payout on picking the underdogs on those two must have been huge. I think it was 6-1 with Connor and Nate. And I think Misha and Holly was something like 3-1. Yeah. I don't know. I might have made that up.

I think if you picked them both and bet $100, you won something like $1,500 together. Yeah, picked them both together. Jamie bet on Nate. Yeah, won $500. Did you? Holla! There you go. Yeah, Jamie was there. I got a picture of Jamie,

Tony, and my friend Frosty. The three of them holding up their betting slips right after the fight. Oh yeah? Matt Frosty? No, Frosty's a sound guy for the UFC. He's a sound engineer. I see Jamie taking that Joe Rogan experience money and fucking

doubling it down. Yeah, there's Tony Inch doubling it down. Yeah, there's Tony Inchcliffe, too. Oh, that's great. Oh, I saw a great picture of who was it in the background kissing on the kiss cam? Oh, Ari and Duncan.

Yeah, yeah. It was fucking great. Before they were kissing, they were throwing up Illuminati signs. They were doing like that. And they waited Not even that, before they were kissing they were throwing up Illuminati signs. They were doing like that. And they waited until the fucking camera was right on them and they turned and kissed. Tongue and everything by the way. Watch this, watch this, here it is. The camera's on them.

And you see them after it's grabbed their face Like what the fuck did we do Oh that's so fun That's like Borat doing that cage match down south No Bruno Those guys are animals Look at that they're throwing up the Illuminati signs That's so great They're probably throwing up the Illuminati sign to that. That's so great.

They're probably on mushrooms, too. They get on mushrooms all the time when they do the UFC. Because you could sit there for a long time. Look at that. And kiss. And the thing about that is you do it in the moment and it's funny. And then all you're thinking about is the two dudes that are sitting behind you the whole time for the rest of the match going, are they going to do that again?

What the fuck? Well, they were sitting in the seats that are right behind me, so they weren't even audience seats. Those are production seats. They're sitting in the best seats you can get. Oh, no shit. They're three feet from the cage. Wow. They're right there. Literally, they could touch me.

They could touch my back. I was supposed to be there. We did a gig together in Vegas not too long ago with a fight the next day and I had to fucking bail. God damn it, Greg Fitzsimmons.

I know. God damn it. No Mustang, no ringside seats. I'm missing it all. Oh, can we plug, by the way,

tomorrow night? Tomorrow night, yeah. We're at the improv. Tomorrow night. March 17th, St. Patrick's Day. Joe Rogan joining once again.

I believe you did it last year, too. I've done it a couple times, right? Yeah, I've done it a few times. Fun. St. Patrick's Day show. We've got all Irish comics coming down. Joe McRogan. Karen Kilgariff.

Mike Gibbons. We've got a special guest I can't even announce. Huge name guest. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is he Irish? Greek. Okay, we'll talk later. All right guest. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Is he Irish? Greek. Okay.

We'll talk later. All right. Okay. It'll be good. Some tickets left. Go to the improv. Always a good time. Always a good time.

I have a little Irish. I'm one quarter Irish. That's it? So it's real. Yeah. All right. You're still on the show. Yeah.

We're going to have a party afterwards. A little corned beef next door and some Irish music and decorations. I'm so glad they turned the Improv around and have that bar in the front again. They had it all wrong for about a year there. Well, they turned it into like some lounge in Encino. Yeah. It was white in there and it was weird decorations. Like, who designed this?

Yeah. And now it's dark again and it looks cool. There was nothing wrong with it in the first place. It was perfect before. Well, I don't know why they did it. I don't know what they were trying to do. Some people can't just

leave a good thing alone. I think they thought they were going to have a successful restaurant in the front for some reason and it didn't pan out and the restaurant didn't work out

which most restaurants don't. They say like 90% of all restaurants fail in the first year. Right. Yeah. But they got it back. It's great again. Yeah. It all restaurants fail in the first year. Right. Yeah. But they got it back. It's great again. Yeah.

It's excellent. It's back to its roots. Yeah. It's a great club. Yeah. And I like how they have a second room now. They have that lab. Yeah, the lab's good.

Have you done it? It's fucking great. Yeah, it's really good. I did it. This is where I did Ari. When Ari first started his This Is Not Happening, the show that was on last night on Comedy Central, which is on every week now,

before Ari had that television show, he started that off in the improv lab, I think, I want to say like six years ago. Yeah. And his idea was, and it was a very smart idea, that you would develop stories better and really tighten them up if there wasn't pressure to do traditional stand-up. So he would do storytelling shows. And you would do them on a theme. Like guys who have been arrested.

Or people that have done too many drugs or whatever. And he would do a theme on these things. And you'd go up there and just explore the story. And if you could do that, you would find the funny stuff in there. Because it's a different format. You're kind of doing stand-up. But then some guys would fuck it up like they would go up there and they would just set up punch lines yeah just jokes right but then like diaz does it right like diaz would tell you these crazy stories and they would be funny yeah you'd find the funny in them and a lot of those

like became bits yeah because he like got comfortable and ari did too as well got comfortable saying them in the storytelling format and then sort of edited it down and honed it and sharpened it and folded the steel and then it made it become a really solid bit. Right. That's where it starts. You know, I got a new bit about seeing a couple fucking in the hotel room across

from me. Did you? Yeah. It was fucking amazing. I mean, I won't do the bit. I'll tell you. The story has now turned into a bit that fucking crushes. I mean, I won't do the bit. I'll tell you. The story has now turned into a bit that fucking crushes. I mean, it went from, you know how sometimes you get a new bit and it can take three months to become your closing bit because you're still working it out? This thing raced to closing bit in like five tellings of it. Really? So I won't do the bit, but I'll tell you the story, which is basically new year's eve in portland the hotel is like a horseshoe shape so i'm on the 10th floor and i look across into a

room and the curtains are open lights are on chick is on her back legs up and this dude who's ripped is fucking pounding her and i'm just standing there looking at him like like this is the greatest thing i've ever this is the greatest thing that's ever happened. I still have my bag in my hand, and I'm just transfixed. And they're really fucking. And at one point, he goes down on one knee, eats her out, stands up, keeps fucking. I'm like high-fiving the glass like, go, man! And so I had the curtain closed because i didn't want them

to see me but i popped my head through the curtain so i look like a photographer from the 1930s and then i start thinking about what it must sound like, and this is where it gets creepy, creepier, is I leave my room, I walk down the hall, and I stand outside the room and I listen, and I hear him grunting and I hear her go, oh, Kevin! Kevin! So I go back to my room and I call, I call the room. No! And I'm just watching him, waiting, waiting.

He didn't pick up, but if he did, I would have been like, Kevin! Look out the window, buddy. I'm jerking off. But what's better than some free nudity? Like you didn't earn it. You didn't have to take anyone out to dinner. You didn't have to go to a strip club you

just you just see some nudity in a window well it's way more exciting for sure accidental nudity is way more exciting yeah the voyeur there's a voyeur instinct that all of us have for whatever reason and i don't know why you know it's why i like like those jennifer lawrence league sex pics like you know she sent that to her boyfriend. Like, oh my God. It's her like spreading her cheeks and like Jennifer Lawrence showing her pussy in her asshole. And taking a thick one to the face. Did you see that one? Yes.

Yes. Thick one. But I don't know, like even looking down a woman's shirt. Yeah. My mother-in-law was doing the dishes at our house. She's wearing a nightgown, bent over, looked down her shirt. Not bad. That's so fucking gross.

Oh, how old was she at the time? 74. You know what? They were full. They were full. Mm. And they weren't wrinkled. Mm.

And I thought, this is what my wife's tits are going to look like in 25 years. Unless she gets on that collagen. Oh, man, that's going to be great for everybody. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It's going to be weird, man. You're going to see 80-year-old hot ladies. Yeah. They're going to smell weird, man. You're going to see 80-year-old hot ladies. Yeah.

They're going to smell like 80-year-olds, though. Once they open their mouth, they smell tombs. Bats come flying out of their pussy. Fucking flies and shit. You're like,

did I just walk into a Bikram yoga studio? It would be nice if you had an expiration date. You could work up to that date and everything worked awesome up until that date, and then into the great abyss. I think there should be an option. I think that you should have total coverage for your health. You know, talk about universal health care.

Fucking blue cross to the nth degree. Everything you need. $1 copay, whatever. But then when you turn 73, they just come, you're sleeping, one bullet to the back of the head. Or you get a minimal policy, a lot of copay, big deductible, but you get it for the rest of your life

as long as you live. Yeah, but the shooting you in the head part, why do they have to shoot you in the head at 73? Because you'll be a drain on the system after that. Can't you just pay more money? No, because that money has to go back into the system. Yeah, but you're earning money if you're alive. Not if you're 74.

Yeah, maybe you're one of those Warren Buffett type characters still out there hustling. That's true. Every day I'm hustling. You know, he lives in Omaha, Nebraska. Yeah, same house he fucking first had his kids in. Now, how is that possible? Flies coach. How's nobody robbing him?

Right. He flies coach? I believe so. Or maybe that was Sam Walton that flies coach. Sam Walton used to fly coach. My only problem with that is why have all that money then? What's he doing with it? If I would think there's one thing you want to pay for that costs a little extra, it's business class.

It makes a flight from exhausting and aggravating to relaxing. If you're in first class, you don't want to get off the fucking plane when you land. You're sitting there. You're watching a good movie. You've got some soft leather wrapped around your dirty asshole, and you've just got a little mimosa. You're talking to interesting, wealthy people. Sometimes. Sometimes you're getting your

ear chewed off by a moron. Yeah, that's true. That can happen too. That should be part of first class. It's just a fucking little, like a urinal divider comes up in between you and that guy. As soon as someone starts talking to you, just look at them. And your eyes slowly.

Right. Yeah, there's some people that you sit next to, it's great, but you can't choose. I was on the fucking plane the other day, headed back from Vegas, and there was a drunk guy that was doing air quotes, business, on the phone, and he was so loud. Tony and I were like, what

the fuck? And he was like, basically the bottom bottom line is if we get this account, we are set and he's drunk and he's being real. I think maybe he was like doing it to let everyone know that he's doing business because he was definitely hammered. Yeah. The plane takes off and then within five minutes of the flight being in the air, he's out cold snoring, just drunk off his ass. Probably stayed up all night, got on a flight being in the air. He's out cold, snoring. Just drunk off his ass. Probably stayed up all night,

got on the flight. Pig. Alcohol. He had some runaway grinding on his cock to a Van Halen song about three hours earlier. That's the good part. Panama.

Panama. Just rocked out to some Van Halen driving over here. They came on the Sirius XM. Eddie Van Halen is one of the greatest guitar players ever. Of all time. Unquestionably. He's a bad motherfucker.

Yeah. But Valerie Bertinelli. In her prime. Yeah. That wrecked that band, though. Did she? Did she Yoko it? Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know that. In a lot of ways. Yeah, that's why David Lee Roth, that's a big part of why David Lee Roth jettisoned during the prime days. Yeah. And then they turned into Sam Hagar. Didn't enjoy one of those songs. It was a different band.

Yeah. It was weird. It was weird. It's because it was still super successful and maybe even more successful with Sammy Hagar than it was with David Lee Roth. But man, it was not the same band. It was a different band entirely. It was weird. It was weird.

It's not like ACDC, which just smoothly transitioned. Yeah, you can't even tell. You go listen to old ACDC and then the new singer ACDC, which is old still now, but it's all ACDC. Van Halen's like two fucking massively different bands. But there's like that poppy, bullshitty stuff that became massively, massively successful. Well, it was like guys trying to be hard rockers. It was like they were playing a character. That's what Sammy Hagar always seemed like to me.

I can't drive! You can't drive 55? 55! Really? You can't? Even if there's a cop on the side of the road? You'd literally have to speed past the cop? 55 is a bullshit speed limit, though.

That's why they got rid of it. It's really 65. Now. But I mean, if it says 65, you can go 74. You won't get pulled over. Yeah, you might. Well, on a Porsche, you will. You can get pulled over. You're a

lightning rod in that thing. In any kind of car, though, if you're going 10 miles an hour over, they can get you. Not a Prius. Really? They just look at you and they feel so bad for you. Bastard. This car doesn't even make noise. I can't believe he can even go. I'm proud of him. He's rolling down a hill like a fucking

Hot Wheels car. Look, he's got golf clubs on the back. How many gallons or gas, how many miles to the gallon do you get? You want to hear the sad part? There's a button that you can push on your Prius that takes all the electricity off so that you just to hear the sad part is there's a button that you can push on your prius that that

takes all the electricity off so that you just drive with the gas but it makes you like way faster and i push that every time so i don't even really get the savings really it takes away the boost now i don't know if it completely does but it gives you i'm telling you it is a quick car if you don't if you don't have the electricity thing turned on because it's so fucking light and aerodynamic it's quick

I'm telling you I line up on the fucking at a red light I line up against Mustang GTs and they just don't try to beat you because you're a Prius

that's right we race for pink slips well it also has no gears right just no gears just one? No gears. It's just one gear. Fast, slow.

Fast, slow. Yep. If you fill your tank up with gas, how long does it last? I don't drive a lot. I live on the west side. Right. I drive three miles at a time. Do you still miss Venice?

Do you still miss being in that little tight-knit community? Well, you know, I'm only a mile away. Right. But I'm there. Yeah, I miss it a lot. It makes my quality of life is about 30% worse not living in that neighborhood. I used to walk my dog. I'd say hi to seven people, which I know we've talked about.

You don't love that. I love that. I like to be in contact with people. I like to walk into houses. Well, I'd love that if it was like you. Yeah. If, you know, on my block was Duncan, Ari, you, Callan, Joey Diaz, we'd have a

fucking great time. It would be awesome. That's the goal. That is the goal. We gotta get a cul-de-sac and all buy houses. Yeah, we'd have to all agree to live together. Yeah. You know, we'd have to all like find a spot that we all agree to. But if you could engineer that. Share a pool. Have like a rec room where there's a pool table and a ping pong table.

That could be done. Steam room. What you got to do is you got to buy like a giant piece of land and develop on it. Right. Develop your own located community. Yep. Call it a church. Don't pay taxes.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck all each other's wives, right? What? Yeah. Yeah, that's what we do. Take acid, Kool-Aidaid whatever we gotta do beacrom yoga every morning yoga we'll bring beacrom in he'll he'll be the leader bring him put him on the hill he'll start his automotive engineering school there have this warehouse yeah our kids will

all be fucking mechanics they'll all know how to fix rollss Royces. Yeah. Has anybody ever... Oh, you know who's done that? There's a guy, Uriah Faber, who's a former WEC champion. He's fighting for the UFC bantamweight title. Great guy. He and a lot of his fighters, they have a house on a cul-de-sac. They call it The Block. Bought a few houses in this area. It's one area.

Because he buys and flips houses. It's one of his side gigs. He buys houses, and I believe his dad does construction. His dad refurbishes these houses and sells them. So they bought some houses all on the same block. And while he was, I think New Year's Eve, some girl broke into his house, shit all over the place, threw up. Some girl that he didn't even know.

She was hammered, and she broke into his house. And he like, I think he filmed it and put it on YouTube or like put it on Instagram or something. You mean his security cameras caught it? No, he was there. Like he was there. This girl like came into his house and she was just completely smashed. He had no idea who she was.

So he just pulled out his phone and started videotaping it? See if he could find that. Yeah. Like just as an experiment? Like, let's see what she'll do? Well, I think he was like, um, this is not your house. You have to leave. No shit.

She was just so fucking smashed. She didn't know where she was. He could have been Dr. Huxtable that night. Well, I think she was relatively large. Yeah. And here it is. Uriah Faber's night. Well, I think she was relatively large. Yeah. And here it is. Uriah Faber's Snapchat. Oh, there was other guys there.

Yeah. She locked herself in his bathroom. So he's walking with his phone to the bathroom. See if you can skip through a lot of this. And I'm guessing he's got the right to show this because it's his house. Oh, the cops showed up now. The cops are going to kick this girl out.

These are all edited videos. Oh, it's all edited. You don't have the good stuff. Oh, I see. I see. Do you do Snapchat? Do you have a Snapchat? I'm not sure if I have it or not. I do not have a Snapchat, but people like that shit. They like the Snapchat.

Is Snapchat when it goes up and then you watch it and it comes down? Yeah, it goes away after a while. Why would you want it to go away, though? I'm not sure. I think you can keep it if you want. You can make it stay there and it becomes like a story or something. Right. That's the new thing. I can't keep up with all this shit.

Yeah, I know. There's too many. Too many options. I have periscoped. I stopped periscoping. I did it for a while. But I'm on Brody Stevens all the time. I watch him all the time. He periscopes everything. It's the greatest. He puts his iPhone on a holster and like perisc on his way to work, on his way to the store. Right.

Just talking. Yeah. Well, Joey Diaz doing the morning smoke is the greatest. That's the greatest. That's the greatest. Yeah. Joey gets up every morning. I think he does it at like 7 o'clock in the morning.

He smokes a joint and starts talking. He gives you motivation. Yeah. Motivational insight from Uncle Joey. Good morning, motherfuckers. And he gets high, like ridiculously high. And he's doing it on camera. You just keep seeing him hitting it and smoking.

That was one of the ones where he explained his beef with John Caparulo. He had a beef with John Caparulo? Oh, my God. Legendary. No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened? It played out on Twitter where they're both going back and forth with John Caparillo? Oh, my God. Legendary. No shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happened? It played out on Twitter where they were both going back and forth with each other.

Yeah? Yeah, and then it played out at the comedy store where Joey apparently and him got into some sort of an altercation recently. Physical? Joey spit in his face, I think. Whoa! Yeah. Was it a joke thief thing?

No, no. You would have to talk to both of them for it to be for me it to be fair for me to give you a real assessment of what happened okay but essentially um it was joey's contention that john uh was trying to control the lineups and keep certain people from performing and really that he fucked over other comedians and doing so. John Caparulo denies this and he says that Joey's a bully and a prison yard asshole and that kind of shit. And so, you know,

obviously my loyalty is with Joey. I'm on Joey's side all the way. Always. Fuck Caparulo. I don't know what that guy did to me one time. Caparulo. I don't know. You know what that guy did to me one time? Caparulo?

Yeah. What'd he do? He asked me, can I be on your podcast? And I'm like, all right, whatever. So I give him a date, time. We come up with a date and a time. And then it's 11 o'clock, And I email him, like, where are you? And he's like, oh, I'm on my way, but there's really thick traffic on the 405.

And I look, you know, I look it up on IMAPS. It's fucking, it's all green. Everything's green. It's a pasture. There's no red lines. And so I go, all right, well, I'm here. Come whenever. And then he, you know, emails me back, like back like 20 minutes like I'm fucking wasting my whole day and he's like

it's not geographically optimal for me right now and but I'm free all day if you want to come to my house come up to my house in the valley and I was just like delete what

yeah hmm how odd hmm i don't want to feed into a beef here yeah i don't think you are but i think you're you know there's something going on there that's something weird yeah kind of controlling yeah i don't know it might who knows we could talk off air. I could speculate with you off air involving all sorts of various things that people might get really excited about doing. A lot of speculation. I never have a problem with him.

I've never had a problem with him. I don't know. No, he's a good guy. He thinks, though, that I somehow or another am involved in this yeah and so his paranoia is fed into this he thinks that joey diaz is my hit man yeah and then somehow or another i'm plotting against him right which i don't even understand why i would do that like why i don't even i don't know why yeah i don't i don't get it i don't know man some people they they tripped themselves oh absolutely and that and the thing is about the comedy store

as much as i love it sometimes that that shit gets it gets a little schoolyardy not as much anymore man now that tommy's gone yeah i mean this is that is also because john was friends with tommy and that's also part of joey's contention is that he pulled up with tommy to control that place i don't know i don't give a fuck i go i tell my jokes i say hi to people like you Joey's contention is that he pulled up with Tommy to control that place. I don't know. I don't give a fuck. I go, I tell my jokes. I say hi to people like you.

I hang out with my friends. I don't want to be involved. I don't give a fuck. You get there 20 minutes early. Say what's up. All that shit is just a waste of time. There's a lot of people out there that are living their lives just sort of going with the momentum of all these things that people love to do, all the gossipy things and, you know, get involved in controlling this. Think about yourself. Just think about what you're doing.

Don't get distracted. And I think a lot of that is a distraction. A lot of the people's fixating on other people. This fucking guy, he's doing this and that fucking guy doing that. And man, he fucking, why? And he's not even funny. why is he getting on before me? That is all a distraction, and it keeps you from thinking about yourself. There's a lot of people out there that spend a tremendous amount of time

hating on other people and very little time working on themselves. It's a fucking trap. It's an easy trap to get into because there's no commitment to hating on someone. There's no consequences if it doesn't go well so you put your energy into that and you know almost like you're like hoping they fail so that it justifies this idea that you have in your head but you're not you're not benefiting from it and it's wasting you can waste a day you can you can stew about something and all of a sudden at the end of the day and there was shit that you wanted to accomplish that you didn't do

because you were obsessed with fucking googling the person and finding out if it's a story that people are latching on to. Like this whole thing with Joey. I'm sure it's wasted more of his time than he wanted it to. Yeah, but he put it on Periscope and it's pretty immediate. Oh, he did.

Yeah. And he's smoking pot while he's talking about it. Let me explain to you what that c he did. Yeah. And he's smoking pot while he's talking about it. Let me explain to you what that cunt did. I don't know. Why do people love it so much, though? I don't know. Why do I love it? I don't know.

I don't love it with everybody, though. With Joey, it's just entertaining. Yeah. I don't know. Well, I love him so much. When he's involved in something, I'm involved whether I with everybody, though. With Joey, it's just entertaining. Yeah. I don't know. Well, I love him so much. When he's involved in something, I'm involved whether I like it or not. Yeah. I have to be.

Yeah. You know? But it's, there's a lot of wasted energy is my point, you know? And even with Joey, he's done with it now. He won't even talk about it now. No. He'll bring it up now. He goes, I don't give a fuck.

I don't give a fuck, Joe Rogan. I murdered them in San Jose. Murdered them. He's just out there smashing. He's hit a whole new level recently, too. Yeah, has he? Oh, my God. He's got this bit.

I don't want to give up any of the details of the bit, but he's got this bit where I'm just like the frenzy that he approaches this bit with on stage. Like, wow, he's on another level. He's like hitting new levels. Well, I had to follow him in the main room of the store recently. And he went up and people were doubled over. They couldn't even make noise. It was just cruel what he did to this audience. And then, you know, in the comedy story, each act brings up the next act.

So he introduces me and then I come up and he shakes my hand and he And then, you know, in the comedy story, each act brings up the next act. So he introduces me and then I come up and he shakes my hand and he whispers in my ear, sorry, dude. He knew I couldn't follow it right out of the gate. Yeah, man. He's a monster. Yeah. He murdered in Vegas.

I was with him in Vegas two weeks ago. The car theater, 2,000 people. It's fucking destroyed. Yeah. Destroyed. He's a monster. He's hit this level right now where he's just so free and loose, and he's concentrating on stand-up so much. He's really into it, you know?

And he's reaping the rewards. Like, finally, people are recognizing, like, he sells out everywhere now, like, in advance. So, finally, people are recognizing how talented he is and how dedicated he is. I mean, it's really just one of those examples of focus and attention equaling results. Like, focusing on something, really honing it, and really putting your focus and your attention on something and then seeing the results of it. He's just really passionate right now

about stand-up. He's always been. But right now, because he's getting so much love and he's just constantly selling out everywhere, crushing it. So he's really feeling it.

Yeah. I think Bill Burr went through the same thing. He just put massive focus on... One of those guys, he would put writing and performing ahead of other things. He'd be like, hey man, you want to do a podcast? I can't for the next two months. I'm just focusing on stand-up. That's it.

Yeah, well, that's the way to do it, right? I mean, you can always focus more, right? And I think for me the balance has always been focusing so much that I lose some passion for it. You know, like sometimes I take a couple of days off and I come back hot and rejuvenated. Like last night was really fucking fun. We did this benefit. Brian Callen had a benefit last night. We did it in the main room.

And so last night was Tuesday. So I didn't work Sunday or Monday. So taking Sunday or Monday off, I came in Tuesday like fired up. It's nice. So I think there's this balance of like letting it go, living life, and then concentrating again and coming back at it. It's like grinding too much is not good either because then you lose a little bit of focus. There's this weird balance that you have to achieve.

There's also a nice balance between the road and in town. If I go on the road, I just did three weeks in a row on the road. I came back. I took off four days or something. Then when I went out, it was like when you'd been running with weights and all of a sudden you're like doing a 10,

whatever, 15 minute spot at the comedy store in front of a hot crowd. And it was like, just fucking effortless. It was like you were floating above the room going like, yeah, now I'll do, I'll throw this in. I'll throw it like, just toying with them. Having such a blast. Well, you know, it's also those long sets

that you do on the road. That's what brings everything together. Yeah. When you're doing like a headlining set and you're doing an hour and 10 and just sort of sorting it all out and putting it all together and you get loose and you just do it like Friday night two shows, Saturday night two shows, and then it gets just so smooth. Comedy is in a lot of ways like exercise. Yeah. You know, you get in shape. You get in shape for it. Yeah. And also, like exercise, you need recovery.

Right. When we were young, we didn't recover. I mean, I used to work six, seven nights a week, fucking every week, year round. Yeah. And you kind of need that when you're starting out. Well, we were so, we were like colts right out of the horse's pussy. We just didn't know how to walk. Yeah.

We just needed to get on stage to get our stage legs. Yeah, right. You know? It's a strange thing, comedy, because you really think after all these years that you would have it down. But you don't really. You're always getting better. You always have to stay on top of it. I wonder if music is like that.

I guess it must be because musicians are notorious for their practice. Yeah. That's one thing that I think I kind of envy about musicians. They have to be disciplined. They have to practice. They can't practice in front of a crowd. I think can't go up in front of a crowd with a half ass song and hope it comes together because the crowd's hot.

Yeah. You know what I mean? You can't talk to the crowd halfway through cause you didn't finish writing. Yeah. Yeah. Like, uh, someone who has said something like about Ian Edwards,

like, uh, you know, the Ian, like, oh man, he's fucking writing. He's always writing. He's always putting stuff together.

Like, yeah, shouldn't we all be doing that, man? Like, yeah, I guess so. He was like, yeah, I guess so. But I like to write on stage. Well, yeah, because it's fucking easier that way. You go on stage with a half-assed premise, and you're forced to kind of put it together. Yeah. It's just fear that keeps you from sitting down and doing it. I think people feel like maybe they're not that strong of a writer

and they sit down and they're almost afraid that it won't come together. But then when you have the energy of being on stage, then you can use that. But it's slower. Writing offstage, it takes longer because your energy is not as high. But you can lay down the idea at least and the structure and then maybe it'll get funnier on stage, but you can't start from scratch up there. Some people can. I mean, some people do, but I think everybody would benefit from both.

Right. I think everybody would benefit from ad living on stage and everybody would benefit from writing more. And that's what I try to tell young comics. I'm like, man, force yourself to write. Even if you only write an hour a day, just sit down for an hour a day. Just force yourself to go over some ideas and they will blossom. They will fucking find a way

to make it out to that stage. And they may not write away. Sometimes like, I haven't done this in a while, but I bought a notebook about a month ago and I just started writing longhand again. You know,

read the paper for a little while or just muse, listen to sets that I did on stage and maybe I started a notebook about a month ago, and I just started writing longhand again. You know, read the paper for a little while, or just muse, listen to sets that I did on stage, and maybe I started a little tangent, and, you know, write that up, and I just fucking fill in this notebook. And it's not all making it right into my act, but some of it is. Some of it goes into the podcast.

It's kind of like just a running journal that I can draw from. But I've had bits that I've started a year before and pounded it, believed in it, kept trying it, trying it, hitting my head against it while it doesn't work. And then you pick it up again six months ago and it just click.

It's like you found it. But it has to sit latent in your brain sometimes for it to work. Yeah, sometimes a thing can happen in life and that thing in life opens up a door. And you go, oh, I could approach it this way. Or, oh, I'm looking at it the wrong way. Or, oh, of course, it's this.

And I think that's the same way with any kind of creative writing. Whether you're writing stories, you're writing a blog. Sometimes you just have to go outside of it. You write some stuff down, then you go outside of it, live your life and then re-approach it. And then like every day my perspective shifts at least a little bit. You know, you have like core values and things you believe in and things you agree with and don't agree with. But every day, like some things will happen in life that make you look at things a little bit of a different way. You know, especially when it comes to current events and politics and the world. Like every day, like people go, oh man, you were so wishy-washy with some of your ideas.

Well, yeah, they're fucking flexible. They're moving around a lot, especially when it comes to things that are happening in the world. Right. And I think sometimes you just got to let your thoughts sort of roll around without trying to constantly define them. And then re-approach the idea. Then come back to the original notebook or the original piece that you wrote.

And look at it again maybe a week later and go, well, now that I've experienced a couple things in life this week and looked at the world a little bit. One of the things that Tom Segura and Christina Pazitsky do, we had a conversation, Christina and I, the other day. She said that they used to do their podcast twice a week, and they decided to go back to doing it once a week. And I was like, how come? And she goes, I think it's good to live, to live your life and then have some shit to talk about. Like, if you do too many of them, then sometimes you're just talking shit and doesn't necessarily

mean anything. Well, especially because for them, it's about their relationship and what's happened in it. Yeah. So, you know, they're not bringing in a new guest who can bring new ideas. Yeah. They're talking about their life. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, they occasionally have guests, but yeah, for the most part. Yeah. That's the way to avoid it is to have guests. Yeah. Right. Like people always say, like, how do you talk to people for three hours, five days a week? Well, they're fucking interesting people. Yeah. You hard just have you just have cool conversations yeah right you know but if you don't if you just do it yourself like bill burr is the most amazing one yeah because

bill doesn't even have a fucking guest yeah and he got he's got a couple ideas some shit he wants to talk about some things that happened but he just ramblesles by himself. Yeah. I started doing a thing. I've done about five of them now called the Sunday papers where I just, I get the Sunday paper and I read it and I just make some notes and then I just hit, hit record and I go for an hour about the Sunday paper. I'm going to do one. I'm going to be on vacation this week, um, after this weekend. And, uh, when I go on vacation from doing the podcast, I'm going to put up like a little Instagram question mark. And I'm going to say, just ask me some questions.

Throw some questions. And I'm going to just answer some of the questions on like, just bring an iPhone. You're going to be on vacation with the family? Yes, my friend. Nice. Yeah, there you go. Need more of that, right? I know.

Need more relax in this life. More relax. Yeah, we're going to Colorado. What are you doing? Next week. Ski. I thought you were going to say get high. Going to get high. Well, I'll probably get high. I'm doing shows, but then we're going to Colorado next week. Ski. I thought you were going to say get high. Going to get high.

Well, I'll probably get high. I'm doing shows, but then we're going to go ski after that. Which part? Aspen? I don't know. We just kind of rented a car. We'll go get on 70 West, maybe stop in Breckenridge or maybe go to Vail. I know Ari just went to Vail.

He just broke his ankle. Broke his ankle out there. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck skiing. Oh, really? You're not a skier? i landed pretty hard last time i went yeah a couple months ago not even i guess a month ago month ago wiped boom and that was it you just said i'm done i was just like this is so ridiculous yeah well i do things that are more fun yeah you know i do a lot of things that are really fun so

skiing is like don't get hurt don't get hurt don't't get hurt. Yeah. No, that's true. Here we go. Boom. That's true. It's almost like the entire, the entire adventure is based on not breaking something. It's like the tension between, yeah, the scenery is nice and all that, but really you're thinking don't get hurt. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I get it. And it's a fun time for me to be with my family. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun. The kids love skiing. It's a good time for me to be with my family yeah it's fun it's fun the kids love skiing it's a good time i don't mind doing it but just gotta slow down were you going fast i wasn't even going that fast i go a little bit faster than i should probably would you catch an edge i don't know what happened i don't remember what happened yeah but i remember as i was falling going oh this one might

be a bad one yeah i'm good at rolling though yeah. I know how to not fall too bad, so I was fine. But I was like, ooh, that was a hard hit. Yeah. I walked out of it no problem, put my ski back on, skied down the mountain. Yeah. I was fine. But I was like, people get fucked up doing this sometimes. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I saw a guy get carried away, too. Yeah, you're supposed to wear a helmet. I wear a helmet. Oh, you do? Yes. No shit. Yeah, always. Wow. You don't? No. Really? Maybe I mean. I saw a guy get carried away, too. Yeah, you're supposed to wear a helmet. I wear a helmet. Oh, you do? Yes. No shit? Yeah, always.

Wow. You don't? No. Really? Maybe I will. Wear a helmet, please. Yeah, right. My friend got knocked the fuck out last year snowboarding, and he was jacked for a while.

Wow. Yeah, he just fucking whoopsied, landed completely on his head. His feet went up in the air, he just boom. Wow. Head first. All head. Back or front? Somewhere. He doesn't know. He doesn't know.

He went out. Shit. Yeah, just thump. Yeah. And by the way, that thump could be thump snap. Oh, guess what?

Now you're moving around with a straw. You have a straw in your mouth. And that's how you navigate through life. Yeah. All because you were into like a thrill well what about the skiing and trees going between the trees where it's grooves you're going between trees and where your skis go are like deep grooves that your ski has to go directly into and if you

catch an edge you flip over like a fucking tree. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I get that people like it. But like my friend Aubrey's good friends with Bodie Miller, he's that Olympic guy, ski guy, just mangled his fucking leg. Yeah. He just wiped out and crashed into something and just fucked his leg up. They go 60 miles an hour. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. But I mean, even guys who are that good still wipe out and fuck themselves up. Oh, yeah. It just seems like there's a lot of fun shit that I like to do. That's one of the reasons why I didn't start skiing until late in life because I did jujitsu and all these other things that are dangerous for your body. I'm like, I should probably limit the amount of dangerous shit. That's why I wouldn't ride a motorcycle.

I'm like, eh, I should probably back off of that. Yeah. I started playing ice hockey again a few weeks ago. Comedian's got a little league going. Bill's supposed to be good, right? Yeah, he plays in it. And Steve Byrne and Ian Bagg. It's great exercise.

You know what? It's not dangerous because we don't hit each other. Right. And you don't really ever fuck up a knee or an ankle in hockey because it's ice. You slide. It doesn't stick and turn. Right.

You just kind of slide. And so unless you trip and fall into a wall, you're pretty safe. Well, Bobby Orr had mangled knees, man. Did he? Yeah. Bobby Orr used to come to the gym that I worked at. When I was a kid, I worked at the Boston Athletic Center, which was like a Boston Athletic Club, I guess it was. And I was 18, I guess, i guess 18 19 something like that and uh bobby orr was this legend you know this

hockey legend he was older by then you know long retired but he would uh come into the gym and he couldn't even fucking walk and we would have to help him climb onto the versa climber you know the versa climber that thing yeah it's like a pole and you go up and down and up and down. You'd have to help him pick his legs up because his knees don't bend. Oh, shit. They don't completely lock out and they don't completely bend. Oh, my God. It's like this.

It's like the one thing he can do in the gym. Yeah. He goes like from this, like I'm like from completely straight. He's like five degrees like bent. He's always bent. And straight, he's, like, five degrees, like, bent. He's always bent. And then it only goes to, like, maybe 15 degrees. Wow. Yeah.

It's, like, this tiny amount of bend that he has in his legs. Yeah. Because he's had just massive surgeries all through his knees. Wow. You watch him walk. There's his knee. Damn. And look at all the cuts on his knees.

And by the way, that is, that's back in the olden days. And look at the different operations, 73, 72, 71. Right. Oh, 69, 1970. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know how bad the equipment was back then? The skates were like saws. The skates were bad, and the surgeries were terrible.

They didn't know how to fix you They would fix you and you just go right Go up above that You can see his knee Look at that Jesus Christ Damn that is brutal It was awful

Oh is it someone else's knee His uh Just watching him walk and he would play racquetball And I'd watch him play racquetball And he would just watching him walk. And he would play racquetball. And I'd watch him play racquetball, and he would just fall down. Yeah. He would just, like, try to, like, move forward, and he'd just fall. Just couldn't move. Yeah.

I mean, he was basically left with pegs that barely bent. Yeah. And that's how he got around. It's like left, right peg, right peg, left peg. Yeah. A lot of hockey players, though, they play golf. You know, they retire, and they play a lot of golf. That's like the big sports in Canada are golf and hockey.

It's the same swing. Slapshot and a golf swing are pretty similar. Oh, that's Happy Madison, right? Right. That's why. That's right. See? There's real science behind it.

But, no, I think that football players are the worst. Those guys, you see any football player after they finish playing and they're fucking stumbling around. Mangled. Yeah. They're mangled. Some of them not. You know, it's interesting how some of them are really lucid. They get through it.

Like Michael Irvin. Michael Irvin is super lucid. He's got no problems. I mean, maybe he's, you know, banged up a little bit. But he can walk around? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's fine. He looks great. He looks great. Talk's got no problems. I mean, maybe he's banged up a little bit. But he can walk around? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's fine. He looks great.

He looks great, talks great. Yeah. He's an interesting guy, man. Very fucking smart dude. Yeah. Very smart guy. Big UFC fan. I talk to him all the time.

I see him at the matches. Oh, no shit. Fantastic guy. Wow. Yeah. Does he do sports casting? I'm sure he does. He must.

He must. Does he? Yeah. Jamie's nose. on Sunday morning stuff with that with the guy Michael Strahan that guy from that show yeah

he's so annoying why is he annoying he's just trying so hard to be likable I just don't buy it it just feels hollow and meanwhile I love that Kelly Lee I could watch her all fucking day. That's why you don't like him. Maybe.

Because you think he's sending the dick her way. I don't like the black-white relationships in general. Disturb you? They just feel wrong. I mean, I was born in 66 when things were normal. When things were right. Back in the olden days, before the colors mixed. When a man could get water from a drinking fountain and not

worry about it. Do you think he's giving her the dick? I don't, but I and it's not sexual with her. It is sexual, but it's also, I think that she is really fucking, no, I don't. Look at that fake smile. Are you being serious? I really don't like him.

You know? Do you really have a problem with black-white relationships? Not really, right? No. No Do you really have a problem with black-white relationships? Not really, right? No. No. No, but I have a problem with his phoniness and just that she deserves better. She deserves Regis. Regis was the best.

Regis and her. That's part of my problem is Regis withdrawal. Well, Regis is doing other shit now. Like, he didn't stop working. It's weird. He had the life, though, man. You know what he used to do to prep for that show? What? Get picked up by a limo, get handed the paper, read it on the way to the

studio, and fucking go on the air. That's all he did. Just off the top of his head. Well, he was so relaxed. Yeah. Comfortable. Yeah. I wonder why he stopped doing it. Maybe the grind of doing it every week. He did it for a lot of years. Yeah. But he still has a show. He has a show. Does he? Yeah, he still has some show that I saw, doing it every week. He did it for a lot of years. Yeah. But he still has a show.

He has a show. Yeah, he still has some show that I saw. And it was weird. It was on like Access TV or something, like one of the smaller networks. Yeah. So I guess he's probably just doing that for fun. Wow. You know, just to stay active or something like that.

Like Regis Philbin's show. I'm sure he's got something. Yeah. I don't know what it is. But I think he decided. I don't know what it is but he um i think he decided i don't want to do it anymore yeah i mean i guess it's like uh jay lena when he walked away yeah but jay's doing that car show no that's what i mean and then he wanted to do a little something to stay busy well he did the car show while he was doing the tonight show oh did he

yeah but the car show is so much more him. He's so much better on it. Yeah, yeah. He's so passionate about it. Well, he's a fucking legitimate car aficionado and nut. He's a nut. He fucking loves cars. So when you're with him and you're talking to him about cars, his eyes light up. He gets excited.

And he's fun. I did a show. Did you? Yeah, we drove my 65 Corvette. Oh, I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's great. Yeah. He's excited. And he's fun. I did a show. Did you? Yeah, we drove my 65 Corvette. Oh, I saw it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's great. Yeah.

He's great. I mean, the public knew him as only that. And he'll admit it. He's like, that was part of the problem with doing that show. I had to talk to people, but I didn't give a fuck about your sitcom or your fucking stupid album that comes out. He didn't care. But if he's got you on his car show, it's because he's legitimately interested in your car.

That's it. That's the only reason why he does it. He's got all the money in the world. He doesn't give a fuck. He's only doing it for his own enjoyment. Yeah, I can remember seeing Letterman with a country music star on, and you knew that he just wanted to say, what the fuck? Yeah.

Especially pop country yeah some whack dude with some designer fucking cowboy hat on and boots that he's never worn before and they're all shiny and fake and his face doesn't change fake rips in his jeans right when you see a country guy with fake rips in his jeans? Oh, how dare you? You're not a working man. How'd you get those rips? You bought them. You bought those rips, you fuck. Did your assistant go out and get ripped? Or you get the hipsters that go out and they buy work boots used that already are like,

have work done. Somebody else has been stinking in them. Yeah. Yeah, you gotta wear your own work boots, you fuck. Yeah. Break them in. Fuck yeah. Live your life. I

Get a pair of Timberlands. I got about 15 20 years ago really yeah, they feel nice Timberlands are the greatest they last so good They were big in the hip-hop community. Oh, yeah, what is that? How'd that happen? I? Don't know but I know that when when Don't was it Don Perignon? One of the brands that got kind of co-opted by hip hop. Was it Cristal? Yeah, it was Cristal.

And they were very upset that hip hop had taken over. Because here they are, like this elite, you know, blue collar, white collar kind of a. Yeah, but they started complaining about it. And then the hip hop community rejected them. That's right. And their fucking sales plummeted. That's right. They plummeted. That's interesting, isn't it?

You got to take that money where you get it. Yeah, but you have a great champagne. What do you give a fuck? If rappers start buying Rolls Royces, you're going to be upset? Yeah. You know? Come on, bitch. Even if they're spilling your champagne on the floor?

Sounds like racism to me. As long as it's not spilling it with a white person. Let them spill it with themselves. It's weird how certain drinks get associated with certain races. Like, crevasse is a black drink. Black drink. Right? All right, I'll name a drink.

You tell me the race. Okay. Vodka. Ripple. Ripple? Yeah. That's black, right? Yeah. It's a wine? Manischewitz. You know how I know that? This is how dated I am. um vodka ripple ripple yeah uh that's black right yeah

it's a wine manischewitz you know how I know that this is how dated I am I know you're gonna say Sanford's side because Red Fox used to drink ripple wine

that's the only I don't even know what it looks like I've never seen it just know alright uh manischewitz oh juice

right um Bailey's Irish Cream Irish people that was an easy one that was an easy one yeah Budweiser

white people with marital problems were they caused by the Budweiser or just placated by the Budweiser all of the above it's in the mix

champagne All of the above. It's in the mix. Champagne. Who buys champagne? Other than like New Year's Eve. Other than New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve is kind of universal, right? Everybody gets champagne. And celebrating shit like weddings. Who the fuck buys champagne on a normal basis?

French people. Really? Yeah. French people drink it. That makes sense. Well, it is tasty. Yeah. But what about Americans?

White assholes. What do they drink? No, if you're a white asshole, you drink champagne. Yeah. Yeah, I was thinking of one person. I won't say their name. Okay. Say it later.

I'll say it later. Although, you know, when I used to work as a banquet waiter at the Marriott in Boston, we used to do these banquets, and sometimes they'd come in and they'd order Dom Perignon. And I'll tell you what, man, it's the best high. If bad champagne gives you a headache, it's nasty, It's sugary, which is usually sparkling wine. It's not champagne. Actual, to call it champagne, it has to be from this certain region of France. It's the only place you can get it to put champagne on the label.

Oh, that's right. And Dom Perignon is the best. And I'm telling you, man, that shit, it makes you feel so good. It tastes so good. No hangover. Really? No hangover? No hangover.

How is that possible? Not like champagne hangover, which is the worst hangover. Really? No hangover? No hangover. How's that possible? Not like champagne hangover, which is the worst hangover you can get. Is there really a difference in hangovers? Oh, yeah. What's the difference? Sugar. Sugar content. Oh, sugar content.

Hangovers are all about sugar. Fucking sugar. Right. Well, as explained to me by Carl Hart, Dr. Carl Hart, who was an addiction specialist, he said what hangovers really are is your body got temporarily addicted to the alcohol. The feeling that you have, the headache and all that, a lot of it is dehydration, but a lot of it is also the compensatory mechanisms that your body puts in place to process the alcohol. Your body literally shifts its sort of scheduling, shifts its organizing of chemicals and all the shit that's in your brain.

And then once the alcohol is not there anymore, it's not processing alcohol anymore. And then you have this like, ooh. And that's the compensatory mechanisms flooding their way through your system. That's also why people say hair the dog that bit you. Like when you have a hangover and you have like a Bloody Mary in the morning, it helps you a little bit.

It soothes you over that hump. Well, because it's poisonous. Alcohol is poisonous to your system. Yes, yes. So it's counterintuitive that like more alcohol would help you feel better. Yeah.

But the way Carl Hart explains it is that it's your body. Your body recognizes, okay, there's this shit I have to process. Let's deal with that. So it compensates for that shit. And then that shit's your body your body recognizes okay there's this shit i have to process let's deal with that so it compensates for that shit and then that shit's not there anymore yeah and it's like what's going on where's all the what are we doing we set up to deal with alcohol yeah we don't have to deal with it anymore i had him on a couple times and he's a fascinating fascinating guy very very smart guy and knows so much about addictions and about various drugs and the reactions to the body and all the myths that people have.

It's amazing how many myths that people have about how hard things are to kick and what is instantly addictive. So what did you say? Because I hear cigarettes are the most addictive. Not cigarettes. Yeah, is it cigarettes are more addictive than heroin? Cigarettes are super, super addictive. Yeah. Super addictive.

Well, did you ever see that movie with Russell Crowe, Inside Man? Yes. About the cigarette industry, about a scientist that's working with the cigarettes to try to make them more addictive, and then he goes out with it, which is apparently a real story. But that's- Oh, yeah. They were sued and they lost about it. Yeah.

You know, that's what it is. I mean, they've engineered them to be addictive. Right. But pot, though, is not, they say, not physically addictive at all. No. Not physically addictive. But it can be emotionally addictive. Anything can.

You know? Like, a girl can be emotionally addictive. Should we outlaw girls? You know, like a girl can be emotionally addictive. Should we outlaw girls? You know, like jerking off can be emotionally and psychologically addictive. A lot of things can be psychologically. Foods can be psychologically and physically addictive. Work. But one thing that they say about pot is in rare individuals, it can be physically addictive.

But how much so? Is it as physically addictive as sugar? Cause sugar is one of the most addictive things that we, we consume. Yeah. You know, I took a, just a few days off of sugar and I had fucking pounding headaches. Yeah. I was like, Whoa. Yeah. I don't, I don't, I'm completely sugar free now. I don't eat anything with added sugar. I don't need any, no processed sugar, no nothing on this wacky diet that I'm on but One of the things that I found within the first few days was this overwhelming desire to eat it Yeah, I wanted candy. I wanted soda I wanted something like within the first couple days like my body was I get headaches and I would think about I could see a bag

Of those chili mangoes that I have back there that are covered in sugar, like insane amounts of sugar. And I just want them. Yeah. And it's a sugar craving. It's your body. Did you eat a ton of sugar before you quit? Not a ton, but more than I should have. And it was all in the guise of healthy things.

Like, for instance, I was working out with my trainer today, and he had one of those protein bars. And he goes, I had, uh, um, one of those protein bars and, uh, he goes, uh, I said, Hey, uh, you, you forgot your candy bar. He goes, it's a protein bar. I go, it's a protein bar. I go, how much sugar is in that thing? He goes, not that much. I go, how much do you think? He goes, nine grams. I go nine grams. I go, I bet it's, I bet it's about 19 grams. Like, no, no, no, no, no. And he looked at it. He 10 grams and i go really i go how many servings and he goes oh yeah two oh no i go with those motherfuckers i'm telling you dude it was this big it was it wasn't a chocolatey one it was chocolate oh it was yeah it was four inches

yeah it's this tiny little thing and they were they were calling it two servings yeah those fuckers motherfuckers fuckers it Mother fucker. Those fuckers. It's only 10 grams of sugar. Yeah. And then you look up and it's two servings. Wow. Oh, the cunts. Yeah, my kids eat granola.

My wife buys granola bars for the kids and they've got chocolate and all. I'm like, honey, these are candy bars. Yes. These are not granola. Granola bar is like, you know, Nature Valley, oat, you know, it's got a lot of sugar in it, but there's no fucking chocolate at least. But even those, if you look at the sugar content, they're like 10, 11 grams of sugar. You're only supposed to eat 25 grams of sugar in a fucking day.

Yeah. It's stunning how much sugar is in everything. Yeah. There's a great documentary called That Sugar Movie, and it just details how all this happened and how many things have sugar in them and added sugar and how bad it is for your body. It's fucking unbelievable. It's toxic. And how much worse corn syrup is than sugar.

Yeah. I just did a corporate event in Fargo, North Dakota for the beet sugar farmers of America. And it was all these farmers, mostly like family owned little farms around Minnesota and North Dakota. And they came in and I just, I walked down and I walked on stage and I go fuck corn syrup and the place went yeah corn syrup just goes right to your ass and it's all because

they were over farming corn it's cheap to make and it's easy and the government was helping pay for it and they went well we're not going to stop what do we do with it well we'll make fucking sugar out of it. Did you see King Korn? No. Great documentary.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. Amazing. It starts off with these guys. They have this project. They're going to grow corn. They're going to get an acre of land and plow it themselves and grow corn. And they start doing all these tests and find out that their body is like some insane amount

of the carbon fibers in their body come from corn. And they're like, what the fuck? So they get their blood work done, all this stuff, and they find this out. And then they start going and examining all the different food. It's in the grocery store. And how much of it contains corn, corn proteins, corn syrup, corn byproducts. And then they go deep, deep down into the rabbit hole, the subsidized corn industry

and how it all happened, how it all got started. And you leave at the end of that movie like, what in the fuck? Like, we've been co-opted in so many different ways in this country by special interest groups and by people that have figured out how to generate and extract massive amounts of money from particular sectors. That are not good for us. Yeah, like this part of agriculture, corn. Ethanol.

Yeah. Try to figure out how to put it in your gas tank. Exactly. Let's do that. You fucks. Not good for your engine. Ethanol's not good for your engine? Ethanol's not good for your engine.

But alcohol is. Like if they could figure out how to do alcohol engines. Right. Like that Rockefeller thing. Yeah. What's wrong with ethanol? What does it do to your engine? I heard it causes some kind of backup over time.

That might be some jacked bullshit that the fucking oil industry tried to sell you. Right, right. You never know, right? Do you know John D. Rockefeller's great-great-grandson now is heavily into developing 3D printer meat, steaks that come out of a 3D printer? Whoa. And it'll be using all, like, soy-type ingredients. It'll be all, like, you know, in the printer.

It doesn't rot. Like, dry ingredients, and you will be able to—they can do it now. They can make steak chips through a 3D printer. They're edible. Jesus Christ. And they say it's just a matter of time until they can make actual steaks. Jesus. I wonder how good that is for you.

Well, it'd be probably better than some kinds of meats, but... But they say it's good for third world countries because they'll be able to... First of all, you won't have to have all that methane from all the downsides of having cattle. Right. You can get rid of that. And then also you can set these things up in third world country and feed people. Fucking poor people. Imagine them for steak, what you get them to do.

They churn out iPhones like a motherfucker. Hungry? Order steak from the lab. Rockefeller Air, investing firm, taking- Wait, scroll down. There's a picture of a steak coming out of a printer. It's hilarious. No, there's not. Wrong article.

These guys, do they just, the Rockefeller Airs, do they just get cash? How does that work? Do they just get money and they just start their own startup? What is it? What do you think that feels like if you grow up like stupid rich where you never have to worry about the future? And you're like, uh, maybe I'll make a startup. That's what it should be. That's the correct use of that money. I mean, if you're going to, if you're going to get rid of the death tax, or call it really what it is, the estate tax, at least these people like, you know, the Kennedys are doing stuff and the Rockefellers are doing stuff where they're saying, all right, without economic pressure, let me explore and do something a little on the fringes that might work,

and, you know, whether it's, you you know non-fossil energy or whatever and uh that so it's it's pretty cool yeah it's nice if you see someone who's given this unusual roll the dice some wonderful hand of cards nice they you know use it in a totally egalitarian way in some some beautiful way where they just decide to donate it or figure out a way to help or put money into something that's going to benefit people. Start a foundation that's just trying to create peace, which sounds so erudite and unattainable, but to go like, no, I'm going to work on peace,

just the concept of peace. It's just rare. It's rare that someone just looks at it and says, well, hey, I have this opportunity to do something really beneficial for the human race. Yeah. Let's take this $100 million that I was born with and put it to use. Yeah. Look what Robert Kennedy's done for the environment. I mean, he's responsible for getting all the PCBs out of the Hudson River and working on making safer nuclear power. What do they do to get PCBs out of the Hudson River and working on making safer nuclear power.

What do they do to get PCBs out of the river? I mean, how the fuck do they clean the river? They got to dredge. They got to go in there and fucking clean it out. Which some people argue is bad because it stirs it up. What is in layers embedded in the bed of the river. But they say, well, if a hurricane or tornado or whatever comes, it's going to bring it up in a much more destructive way,

so it's better to bring it up. So they bring it up, and what are they doing when they bring it up? They're cleaning it somehow? I guess they, you know, filter it, dump it somewhere. Huh. But then he also just closed up. There was the GM plant. There was a bunch of plants on the Hudson River that were dumping raw sewage in, and he stopped just closed up. There was the GM plant. There was a bunch of plants on the Hudson River that were dumping raw sewage in, and he stopped all of those.

How crazy. And now the Hudson River, you can swim in it. What? I grew up on the Hudson River. We used to swim in it, and we were told not to. We were fine. But now they literally have little beaches set up on the Hudson River upstate. What?

Yeah, even in the city. You can take a fucking kayak out on the west side. And you can swim in it? You can swim in it. That sounds weird. What if it gets in your mouth? Then you die. You got to keep your mouth closed.

Keep your mouth closed, stupid. You know they used to, bars used to pull lobsters out of the river? That used to be bar food. Yeah? It was like, it was thought to be a poor man's meal. Well, in Ireland it was, yeah. Even in America. In the early days of New York City, they used to just set out lobster traps.

And when someone would order a lobster, they would just go pull a trap out and grab one of the lobsters and cook it. No shit. And it was thought to be a poor food. Poor people food. During the famine in Ireland, they were exporting lobster. What? Because they wouldn't eat it. They thought it was like a rat.

Oh, my God. Fucking stupid Irish. Eating potatoes. So stupid. Eating fucking potatoes and sending lobster. Well, we don't have any butter anyway. Maybe that's what it is. They didn't know about butter.

Yeah. Once you know about butter and lobster, if someone puts it... Hold on, before you ship those out, just try this. Yeah. You fucking idiots. Put this bib on.

You got to have the bib. I saw on Instagram this guy cooked a coyote. He cooked a coyote and barbecued it, barbecued it and had barbecue sauce and brought it to work, pulled coyote. And apparently he said it was delicious and people were loving it. Yeah? Yeah. There's a lot of shit you can eat. Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't think to eat a coyote. I saw an episode of Meat Eater, Steve Rinella and Remy Warren. They shot a coyote and cooked it over an open fire and ate it. Yeah. Because they wanted to see what it tasted like. There's some good shit if you go to this restaurant called Typhoon in Santa Monica. And they've got, you can eat scorpions and ants. All shit that would die in a typhoon.

Right. Shit that you might find on the side of the beach. Yeah. If you want to play out the post-apocalypse, come to Typhoon. Tuesday night special. Jellyfish. Wow.

Scorpions, huh? Yeah, scorpions. Did you try it? Oh, fuck yeah. It's great. What does it taste like? Just crunchy, you know, a little salty. Nice.

Well, they must have added salt, right? It's all good protein. Yeah. Well, they say that bug protein is really good for you. Yeah. And in a lot of ways, they think that that's going to be the future of protein for the world. Like, they have bug bars and they're made out of, like, grasshoppers and things along those lines. And it's very healthy.

Full amino acid profile. And a lot of people who are maybe vegetarian or vegan and have a real problem with eating animals do not have a problem with eating insects. They're like, well, we need a bug. Hmm. Yeah. I have a friend who's vegan. He'll fucking slap the shit out of a mosquito on him and kill it and not even think. Right, right.

Drop it onto the ground. Like, look at the Singapore-style scorpions. Is that the- Is the menu at that place? That's Typhoon's menu. Taiwanese crickets, stir-fried raw garlic, chili pepper, and Asian basil, $11. That sounds great. It's great. We should eat there one night

with the wives. I'm down. Let's do it. Actually, my wife would fucking slap me if I asked her to eat a bug. Well, they got normal shit too. They also have a pretty good sushi bar. But yeah, I'll eat anything. I mean, I've been down in Florida. I've eaten alligator. Alligator is really good for you. Alligator's good, yeah. The mean, I've been down in Florida. I've eaten alligator. Alligator is really good for you.

Alligator is good, yeah. The protein, apparently, in alligator, it's supposed to be insanely high in protein and very, very low in cholesterol. Yeah? Yeah, it's one of the lower things. It's like right up there. Elk and moose are apparently the lowest in cholesterol. They're lower than chicken. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Tough to cook them, though, because they have so little fat. It's not hard. You've got to really nail it. It's not hard. No? Yeah, you've just got to learn. It so little fat. It's not hard. You've got to really nail it. It's not hard. No? Yeah, you've just got to learn. It's just different.

It's different than, I've got some in the back. You want some? Want some elk? Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah, take it home. All right. It's better, way better for you, higher in protein, and there's zero bullshit in it.

Yeah. No antibiotics. Oh, that's true. No hormones, no nothing. Wild game. And like I said, lower cholesterol than a chicken breast. I was in South Africa and we ate at a game farm, a game park, you know, but they have to thin out the herd of different animals.

And so there's a restaurant called Carnivore right in the park. And they come around with skewers and they ask you, do you want some, you know, giraffe? And you go, sure, and they'll give you a couple cubes of giraffe. It was like when you took me to that Brazilian restaurant in Vegas. Chujas Correa. Yeah, and they came over with the skewers, and it was like that, but it was like elephant fucking, you know, different kinds of gazelles and shit. They all had a different taste.

Did you eat elephant? I did eat elephant. What does that taste like? It was great. It was a little gamey. It had a little smell to it. People right now are screaming. Yeah.

Screaming. You fucking piece of shit. No, they needed to kill it. These are all animals that were dying. They never needed to kill elephants. They should have saved them. They should have saved Dumbo. His family will always remember.

What about Yogi? Don't eat the bear. Don't eat Yogi bear. Watch Yogi eat his fucking child on the internet. Jesus. Bears, man. People have a weird connection with bears. They get real upset if you kill a bear.

Stuff bears. The most vicious animal out there. And that's the thing we take to bed. Well, it's almost like we're trying to make them, like, less dangerous. Yeah. We can make them cuddly. Like, polar bears are perhaps the most vicious mammal on earth. They are fucking monsters.

This guy, Kevin Fitzgerald, he's a veterinarian. Oh, yeah, I know Kevin. You know Kevin? Yeah, in Denver. Yeah, and we worked together once in Denver, and he said that polar bears, like when you have them as babies, right out of the womb, they're like, and they try to bite you. Oh, no shit. He goes, they're like the alien, you know, like the alien chestburster.

He goes, that's what they're like, right out of the womb. Wow. And I was like, wow, that is nuts. He goes, if they're hungry, they will try to fucking eat you. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God. Damn. It's like people have this idea of them as being this

like fluffy creature it's like most people live in cities and most people comment on animals and are animal rights activists and animal rights advocates these people that have these ideas about the beautiful nature that we live around like they're they don't go out in it yeah when you go out in it you realize it becomes a go out in it, it becomes a different thing. Yeah. And you realize, like, wow, there's a strange, like, constant conflict going on in this world. I mean, there's very little harmony. In fact, the harmony exists with beings eating beans. That's when the harmony exists. It's all things eating things and things looking out for things that are about to eat them.

I mean, there's a reason why deer perk up and they move their ears and their head side to side. Because something's coming. Yeah. Always. There's always something coming. And that's why they run so fast. They're trying to get away from something eating them. Yeah.

They're not chasing anything. Yeah. Deer run fast because they don't want to get eaten, which is fucked. I saw a rattlesnake eat a squirrel. Oh, shit. In Yosemite last summer. Yeah. You saw it get the squirrel? No, I saw him.

He already had the squirrel, but I saw him take the squirrel inside of him, and you saw it move a little bit down his body. And everybody got close to him because they figured, well, he just ate. So he was less, he was a little more lethargic. Yeah, you can do that. And he crawled off. It was bad. I'd never seen a

rattlesnake before, never mind a fucking eating a squirrel. I was running the hills with my dogs, and I ran over what I thought was a log, like a stick, like a large stick. And as I was in the air over it, I realized it was a rattlesnake the size of my forearm. No shit. I was like, oh, fuck. And I had to keep my dogs back once I realized that it was a rattlesnake because my dogs have been bitten several times. By rattlesnakes? Yeah.

My dog, Frank, he got bitten twice. And my dog, Lucy, she got bitten once. And their face swells up. It's bad, man. Wow. It's bad. But they'll go and attack the rattlesnake even though they know they'll get bit? Well, they'll bark and they get near it.

And they bark, bark, bark, bark, and then the snake just bites them in the face. Yeah. Wow. They don't know what it is. They just know it's dangerous. Yeah. Like, something in their doggy brain is like, this ain't cool. Like, what the fuck is this thing? And they bark at it, whereas, like, they don't bark at squirrels. If they see a squirrel, they

chase after it and try to kill it. Yeah. But if they see a rattlesnake, they get close and i don't know i wasn't there when it actually went down i was there in the aftermath i saw the snake i pulled him away i looked at him i looked at his face and i'm like what's going on i saw little holes i'm like god damn it he got bit so i had to take him in one time i took him to the well you take him in died if you hadn't taken him in uh probably probably eventually yeah it takes a while but they swell up like crazy like the side of their face becomes like cartoonish where they got stung especially a

young rattlesnake young rattlesnakes are the most dangerous because they don't know any better they empty out all their venom in one shot the old rattlesnakes just give you a little taste it's like take that motherfucker yeah but they keep some for themselves just in case they have to bite you again or bite something else an hour later. But one time, Frank got bit, and I looked at him, and I killed a rattlesnake. And then I looked at him, and I go. How'd you kill it? I think I used a rake. I forget what I killed it with.

I just killed it. But then I looked at Frank And people were like Why would you do that Because it's in my yard Sorry See that fence You get inside that You're dead

If you can kill me You're dead You fucked up I kill you in my house I kill you in my yard If you're in my yard You're dead You're dead

Coyote's dead If I'm practicing archery in my yard And I see a coyote Yes I'm going to kill you in my yard. If you're in my yard, you're dead. Coyotes, dead. If I'm practicing archery in my yard and I see a coyote, yes, I'm shooting that thing. Joe Rogan once killed a bat in my apartment for me. That's right. With a tennis racket. That's right.

Without even thinking about it. Then sat down and watched TV five seconds later. I ran after that thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's disturbing to switch. Wait, so then what happened with Frank? Oh, anyway, so I brought him to the vet, and the vet looks at him.

This is like after, like, the first time Frank and Lucy both got bit, and then this is like maybe a year later. I wasn't sure if he got bit, because I saw the rattlesnake and I saw him. I killed the rattlesnake and then I'm like,

come here, buddy. Let me check your face out. And I'm looking at him and I don't see any marks and I'm like, well, you seem all right, but fuck, I don't know. Come on, let's go.

And I take him in the back of the truck and I take him down to the vet and the vet checks him out and he goes, oh, I don't see any swelling. Everything seems fine. I'm like, all right. And then I take him back home.

His face starts swelling. Ah, no shit. Like a delayed reaction. I think maybe he got like a small dose. Like it wasn't a lot, but within, and he's like, it's hard to tell because his adrenaline is so fired up. You know, his tongue was out. He's like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And he was like so excited to, you know, he liked to get in the car and go drive around. Yeah. He seemed normal but then an hour or so later after i got him home his face started swelling so i had to bring him back in you got to give him the anti-venom it's fucking expensive yeah it's thousands of dollars so if you're no shit it's no joke so if you're broke and your dog gets bit it's a fucker man you gotta suck it out yourself i can't that's a myth too The only way you can suck it out is if you get it right when it's happened. Like if it bites you right there, you make a tourniquet, you got to cut yourself, too.

You can't be shy about it. You got to cut into where that area where that fucking snake is, squeeze it, and suck it out. And you're probably not going to get it all. You're going to get some of it. But have you ever seen what happens to a person when they get bit by a rattlesnake? No. Oh, my God. We are so weak.

We're water bags. We're just little bags of water. We're just so weak. Yeah, we're allergic to everything. This guy put a website up that documents him getting bit by a rattlesnake. that documents him getting bit by a rattlesnake, like after he got bit, him seeking treatment, the necro, what do you call it, necropsy,

what would you call it? What is it called? Necrosis? Necrosis, yeah. Necrosis when the skin's dying, the tissue's dying, all around the wound. And he had to get skin transplants and all this crazy shit, and it took a long time. And he documented the entire procedure.

This is one guy that got bit. Whoa! Wow. No shit. Texas country star Kevin Fowler posts gnarly rattlesnake picture. And this guy has his hand looks like, I mean, it looks like he has a globe in his hand. Like his hand is swollen and black. So far swollen.

Wait, scroll down. Look at that guy's forearm. A little further. Look at that. That's the one. Go to that website. Visit page. Holy shit.

This is the very website where it documents this guy. That's actually one photo that's taken from the website, but there's a website where it shows. This is the absolute one. Damn. This guy got bitten, and his skin all died. His skin died, and I believe it was a young kid, too. I don't think he was very old when this happened. And they just put mesh over it.

Well, that mesh is so that his skin grows in place, and then they take the graft and they try to put it over that. But it's rough, man. It's very, very fucking dangerous. Yeah. You've got to write rattlesnake. You can't just write. But anyway, no bueno.

I was on that same trip to South Africa. My daughter was probably about three, and then we went down to the – in Cape Town, there's the Cape of Good Hope. Is that the little thing that sticks out there? I don't know. I haven't been. And you can hike through this field and get to the, it is like the southwestern tip of Europe, of Africa.

And so we go down there and we get out of the car and there's all these baboons and they're fucking vicious and they're aggressive. And the park ranger was like, yeah,

you may want to keep her in your arms the whole time. And I was like, why? And they're like, well, if the snakes don't get her,

the baboon's just gonna grab her. Jesus Christ. Imagine that shit! Imagine watching your daughter get taken by a fucking baboon. And eaten. Or taken by a fucking giant boa. Chimps take them too. Just wrapped up. Chimps take babies. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. That would be

close to... Up there with your worst nightmare? Top three worst nightmares? Yeah. Baboon taking your child as they scream? Yeah, baboon That would be close to up there with your worst nightmare. Top three worst nightmares. Yeah. Baboon taking your child as they scream. Yeah. Baboon might even be worse than a lion. Yeah.

Both would be horrific. But there's something about a primate doing it. Yeah. Baboons are so weird. It's like a monkey fucked a dog. Yeah. You know, it's some weird sort of half monkey, half dog face thing. Just so aggressive. So aggressive.

And their hands are just long arms and strong hands come right at you. Creepy fucks. Yeah. Shit. You ever seen a documentary they did with, they tamed dogs, like baboons actually tamed dogs. And they taught these dogs how to be like watch dogs. Yeah?

Yeah, they took these dogs in and fed them, and they had these tribes of baboons, and they had figured out- Did they set this up as an experiment, or it just happened? No, the baboons did it. The baboons kept these dogs and fed them, and then the dogs stayed around them, and when anything would come near, the dogs would bark, and the baboons would come out, and- No shit. Yeah.

They're smart as fuck, dude. Damn. They're creepy and their world is harsh. And, you know, so their actions don't seem like intelligent actions. You know, they don't have community. And, you know, it's not like they have a language and rampant use of tools or anything like that. But they're very intelligent. Yeah.

In some sort of a weird way. They figure out problems. And then we stick them in steel cages for life. There was an article that I tweeted today. See if you can see that. They believe that chimpanzees and monkeys have just started using stone tools over the last 4,000 years and that chimps are entering the age, the stone age. Oh, wow. They are evolving. Chimps and monkeys have entered the stone age like they're they are evolving chimps

and monkeys have entered the stone age in the wild yes in the wild they're actually evolving and that this could eventually lead to chimps becoming something very different than what they are now that what we're seeing now you know a million years from now chimps might not be chimps anymore they could become neanderthals. They could become us. We've only been us for a couple hundred thousand years. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I'm listening to this book right now on

tape about you know, like prehistoric man from like the first socialization. Oh, uh, Sapiens? Who wrote that? Um, who, Sapiens. Who wrote that? Who wrote Sapiens? Yuval Noah Harari. Whoa.

What a name. What a name, Yuval Harari. A Brief History of Humankind. Good stuff. Yeah, it's talking about how, you know, Neanderthal man and Homo sapiens, which is what came after Neanderthal. People think there was like a timeline because when you look at timelines, it lists one. Then there's a line segment and then the next one starts. But there was a time when they were both on the earth at the same time and they were fighting.

And Neanderthal was fucking way bigger and more powerful. Way stronger. And bigger brains. And bigger. Right, right. Which is weird. Yeah. And they don't even know why.

They don't know if the brain was bigger to control the body because they don't have one to study. Yeah. There's all this speculation of how smart they were. Yeah. And it was a battle. And the sapiens won because they had techniques for hunting working as a group and surrounding the other ones and they they used tools uh i guess i don't know if it was rocks or whatever it is that they use that the uh neanderthals were not using i think is they

just divided them and fucked them all yeah and became they became us oh did they i don't know that's my theory they were on on top. I wonder, man. I mean, they know that there was some interbreeding. Yeah. Or at least they believe there's some interbreeding. And they recently found a bone of an ancient Neanderthal that had human DNA in it. And so they're like, well, what the fuck? Wow.

Yeah. See if you can find that because I think I tweeted that recently too. But just, I might not. By human you mean sapien. Yes. H if you can find that because I think I tweeted that recently too. But just – I might not have tweeted it. But human, you mean sapien? Yes. Homo sapien DNA. Right. I mean because I guess Neanderthal are human, a type of human.

Is that what they are? Yeah. I guess there's Homo erectus, Homo whatever, and then Homo sapien is what's considered modern man. Yeah. They don't necessarily – here it is. Humans made it with Neanderthals much earlier and more frequently than thought. This is really recently. This is February 17th.

Yeah. Yeah. People will fuck a sheep. Will fuck anything. I can't believe I never fucked an animal. You know? I was so horny when I was a teenager. I think because we didn't have pets. It's the only thing that stopped me. If you had a dog, do you think you would have fucked it? I would have horny when I was a teenager. I think because we didn't have pets.

It's the only thing that stopped me. If you had a dog, do you think you would have fucked it? I would have fucked my dog, definitely. Okay. But depending on the kind of dog it was. Well, also, we grew up without rampant access to pornography like these kids have today. Yeah. Like, if a kid today has an iPhone, you got all the porn in the world.

Yeah. I mean, at your fingertips, bam, you can watch people fuck. All All I had was a sheepdog some Vaseline. It's hard back then Yeah, I can and you know the final nude episode nude edition of Playboy's coming out Pam Anderson will be the last nude model in Playboy history great someone no one wants to see naked anymore Perfect. What a way to go out go out with a fizzle ease us out Is he naked anymore? Perfect. What a way to go out.

Go out with a fizzle. Ease us out. Does she look good? Well, even if she doesn't look good, what you're looking at is not really that person anymore. You're looking at Photoshop elements. Yeah. You know, you're looking at. Well, you mean physically that she's not her own parts.

And then they'll Photoshop it on top of that. Yeah. You're not looking at the real image. You're looking at some distorted. Have you ever seen what they do? They've shown the real image versus what they do. Here she is right there. Oh, she was a beauty in her day.

Yeah. Time is a motherfucker. I'll be leaving this off of YouTube, too. Please do. That sex tape in her prime was so amazing. She was hot. She was so hot. Wait, these aren't the most recent ones.

Allegedly. Oh, really? This was from December. Yeah. See, it's all weird black and white, but you know they stretched out her ass and got rid of all the weird lines. There's three guys hiding behind her pulling skin right there. She got midgets.

Fucking high-powered fans blowing her sag up. She's right next to the star of Hefty. I don't know, man. If she was smart, she would have made herself look at least a little bit old in these instead of she looks 19. Well, it's like everything's blurry and hazy. It's like you're looking at her through the fog, like a spotlight in a foggy room. Any shots of her feet? her through the fog, like a spotlight in a foggy room.

Any shots of her feet? Just the shoes. Feet don't age. Yes, they do. Boy, do they. Okay, come on. She doesn't look that good. Look at the hemorrhoids coming out of her ass. But that is not what she looks like.

She just doesn't. I mean, that's just not accurate. That's so stupid. Look at the belly. She's had kids, right? Yeah, she's had kids, but she's also 50. You know, I mean, she's not a Cindy Crawford 50 either. Cindy Crawford looks great.

I bowled next to her recently. You were bowling? Yeah, we did this thing. We help out with these retarded kids. I don't think you're supposed to say that. Mentally, whatever. Intellectually disabled children. It's this group that me and my son work with and they do

a bowling thing to raise money for them and you bowl with the mentally challenged kids. And she's really active with it and she's out there with her kids. Her daughter's a model now. Her son's a model. And she looked fucking great. She's like 51. She 30 yeah amazing once they hit a good

30 too not like some 30s right you know i knew a girl when she was 19 and then i saw her again when she was 27 and apparently she had a meth problem oh and when i saw her when she was 27 she looked like she had been to hell and back, and she looked easily 50. Yeah. And she wasn't even 30 yet. And I was like, wow, like meth. Something about stimulants, man. That redlining the system, boy, you pay for that.

Yeah. You pay for that one. What dries you out. She looked terrible. Yeah. Terrifying, too. Her skin was hanging off of her bones. Her muscle tissue had all gone away.

It had all atrophied. It's like what the plumpness of youth had all been replaced by this dead air. Yeah. And her skin was looking for all the meat that used to be there to hold it in place. And it was just sagging. And oh, my God. And you know she chain smoked the whole time. She was definitely chain smoking.

She was a smoker. But it was sad. And she was so apologetic about the way she looked. It was really disturbing. Yeah, I just saw this girl that I hadn't seen in a while. And she gave me a hug and she goes, I'm sorry, I got really fat. I'm like, you're apologizing to me? It's like, that is so weird.

Might be the same person did the same thing to me we'll talk about it off air yeah no I don't think so this girl was never on drugs she just put on weight no no different girl oh

she just did that recently to me oh okay it was at the comedy store yeah yeah yeah really yeah we'll talk we'll talk about it we gotta end this thing anyway

I gotta get the fuck out of here tomorrow Greg Fitzsimmons and I will be performing at the improv in motherfucking Hollywood. Are you still doing your show on Sirius or is it only a podcast now? Still do the show Monday nights on Sirius.

It's the Greg Fitzsimmons show on Howard 101. Then the podcast is Fitz Dog Radio. I just had Ari Shaffir just came on. Duncan Trussell just came on. Judd Apatow just came on. Those will all be up in the next week or so. Excellent. And then Denver, Colorado. Can I plug that? Comedy Works.

Comedy Works in Denver coming up on the 24th through the 26th. And then I am in... One of my all-time favorite clubs ever. Sacramento Punchline, April 15th Another one of my all-time favorite clubs. San Sacramento Punchline, April 15 through 18. Another one of my all-time favorite clubs. San Francisco Punchline, April 21 through 23.

And then other dates, Comics in Connecticut, all at FitzDawg.com. Comics in Connecticut can suck my dick, but the other clubs are great. All right, ladies and gentlemen. That's it for today. See you soon, you fucks.