The Joe Rogan Experience - #778 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 28, 2016

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts the podcasts Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank & Punch Drunk Sports availalbe on Spotify. Check out the 2nd season of his show This Is Not Happening on Comedy Central. http://arithegreat.com

Buy yourself in a house. Like, you should seriously think about buying a house. Jamie or me? You. Oh. Yes! Ari Shaffir in the fucking house. Put the headphones on so we feel like we're doing something.

There we go. Where are they? These headphones make a difference. It's so much easier without my glasses. They used to pinch me. Oh, that's right. It would crush my ears. You went and got your eyes cut on.

Yeah. they put a fucking laser right to your eyeball and they go don't look at it like it's an eye right eyeball oh wow because you're looking at him like i know i'm looking at it it's right in my eyeball so what do you have to do look straight ahead and so they come in like this like but then it's like as it gets right next to your eye slightly to the left like it goes to like the outside of the black part you know how do they keep your eyeballs open from blinking uh um what's it called style like a speculum yeah but what's that movie clockwork orange yeah they do that to you oh no really hitting you with drops to like wet it oh my god but they peel back the layer like a grape you know like, like a shell of a grape. How does that feel?

Nothing. Doesn't feel like anything? You can't really feel it. Whoa. Later it feels like, cause it's like a slight scar that has to heal, but you're not used to having a scar between your eyelid and your eyeball. So it feels like a piece of sand is in there and they're like, do not rub it. There's no sand in there.

Just don't rub it. Eyeballs are some fucking serious shit. It's one of the most disturbing things to me about MMA is eye pokes. When guys get eye poked, I'd rather see a guy get hit real hard than get eye poked. That was the worst thing on Game of Thrones. Oh, God. That dude crushed him with two eyeballs. Spoiler alert.

Whatever. Spoiler alert. You can't spoiler alert stuff that's five years old. It's not a lot anymore. How many years is that show? That season was like three or four years old. That dude who got smushed was badass. Badass.

I wanted to win so bad. He had so much going for him. So much. And he was going to get revenge finally? Yeah. He had flair. He had technique. He was bisexual.

Should have made his... Should have been bisexual, yeah. But proudly bi. But they all were back then, man. People just fucked everybody back then. Yeah. I mean, there's like... There's so much of a different world.

If we think about like what the Romans did and what all these different cultures did, they were like fucking each other, fucking young boys. Like young boys, it was normal for guys to fuck young boys yeah like what the hell yeah better world right but it's it's fucking strange when you go back and you listen like it was plato right plato was one of the big ones one of the big boy fuckers wasn't he boy fucker plato a boy i think plato was a soldier he He was like a warrior, like an accomplished warrior.

And then became a philosopher? Mm-hmm. Yeah, if I'm remembering the story correctly, which we're pretty fucking high right now. Which is probably wrong. Pretty high right now. And it's a wake and bake day. Pederasty? Have you heard that term?

Yes. Pederast. I've heard of pederast. What is that? When I Googled him and boys, that's what comes up. What is a pederast? It means someone who likes to fuck young boys. All right.

It's bizarre that that was really commonplace amongst very respected intellectuals at one point in human history. Yeah. Plato didn't lose his fucking subway campaign. He could go on being one of the most respected philosophers in history yeah you don't take it away if they're dead and it's a long time ago we accept well i mean we should right because they had a lot to contribute we should we should accept aberrant behavior but we should also maybe look at it as a sign of there's some massive times thing. Yeah, well, there's massive advancement and understanding

Yeah about human beings about the consequences of sexual abuse like all those things like I don't think they Really had enough time to live to figure things out enough. Everyone's was dead at 30, right? Yeah, like this is gonna fuck them up as adults and like wait what think of how fucking stupid this country is, right? Think of how ridiculous we are if we look at each other as a collective when you find out things that people get upset with and like it's something i tweeted today about uh this was it chase whatever whatever bank it was they they wouldn't allow a guy's check they canceled his check because he wrote dash on it which is his fucking dog's name dash and they thought Dash was too close to an Islamic word, which is like D-A-E-S-H. Wait a minute, where did he write it on it?

He wrote it on a check, like to his fucking dog. Where's his money going? Note to sell. Dog. Maybe his dog got it. Oh, on the memo part? Some part of it. Pull it up, Jamie.

They thought it was an Islamic name. That was the reason they... Why can't you send something to a guy named Ahmed? Exactly. What, if the guy's name is Muhammad? Are we fucked now? How does Muhammad Ali get his checks? How does Muhammad Ali get his...

What happens? Look at this. Bank freezes online payment over Doug's terrorist-sounding name. Can you scroll it so we can see what the words are? It's hurting my brain. I didn't have a picture of it right here. I was trying to find the picture. And here's the young... Oh, he's wheel guy wheelchaired up yeah he's got he's

got i think he's got um that makes him get more sympathy for sure would it scroll up when you what was his disease jamie i want to see yeah multiple sclerosis he was transferring money from his chase account to his dog walker so he put the nine-year-old pitbull's moniker dash in the memo line because it's to pay for his fucking dog walker Yeah, and it's too much like da ESH the Arabic term for self-described Islamic state That's their word for Isis. Yes, I guess but it's not the same word you fucks That's like You can't write nagger Explain what someone's a nagger you can't write that. Oh Explain what Dash means. Someone's a nagger.

You can't write that. Oh, is it because they don't want to donate any money to ISIS? And he's like, hold on. Yes, exactly. They thought for some reason that that was a red flag. Are you not allowed to give money to ISIS? I don't think you're allowed. Look, it says they flagged a payment,

which placed a note on Francis' account asking him to explain what Dash means. Explain yourself, son. God damn it. Soldiers died. But it's not the same word. Like, think of how many words. Day. Die.

I mean, what are we going to... D-A-E-S-H is not the same as D-A-S-H. Right? Is that what it is? D-A-E-S-H is not the same as D-A-S-H. Right? Is that what it is? D-A-E-S-H? Yeah. It's just not the same word. Like, we have combinations of words that are vastly different.

So dash is a word. With just one extra letter. Yes. It is a word. Yeah. And it means to go fast. Everybody knows it. It's so stupid.

I mean, you think... There's so many different combinations that you could say are close flagged reviewed and eventually released Out an hour what about that are they the same thing is that the same word should we flag it? Is it the same? What do you mean? Did you mean out or hour? I wrote out I wrote out you fuck Well, yes, but we would like to know if you meant our. Well, I would have wrote our. I wrote out, you fucks. Okay, that's cleared up. I don't think you have to call us fucks.

Why are you contacting me? This is not what you're supposed to do. What you're supposed to do is pay my goddamn dog walker so I don't look like a dickhead. And she's got to pay her fucking rent. And you ruined everything. Sir, I understand you're upset, but if you could just calm down, we're trying to stop terrorism. It's fucking the Rothschilds or some shit chemtrails sir if you could watch your vaccines and 9-11 all together with the fucking moon landing and area 51 bullshit i want my fucking money

dash is a great dog you ever lose it on a customer service person like that? Just fucking go nuts. No, I'm not like that. I try to be. I hate those jobs. I wouldn't want that job. They don't want that job. Yeah. I try to be.

I know it's never their fault. I try to be as nice as possible. Some people are just so. It's not even their fault. Some people that you talk to, like customer service people, if it's for something shitty, like something that happens all the time Yeah, like they're dealing with so many people that are complaining all the time. Oh right non-stop. Yeah, I remember when Apple's Start with the iPhone. Oh, yeah

And if you know how 18th he only had it drops calls we drop left and right remember cuz everybody got on there And I was like, what's the part? I was like, hey, you must deal with a lot of calls about drop calls. And he was like, it's a lot. It's a lot of angry people. I remember I had a guy talk me through some issue on my phone once. I had to call a dude. I don't remember what the exact issue was, but all my contacts went away. I was like, what is going on here?

And he had to talk me through it and figure out how to get it back to the way it used to be and update things. It was a nightmare. But I remember the guy, I was like, dude, okay, how much does this job suck? I go, I'm not completely retarded, and you're trying to help me through this. And I've built computers. I mean, I've taken a motherboard, I've put it in, I've put the heat sink in, and I've done all that added video cards. I know a little bit about computers.

I mean, I'm not like a computer wizard, but more than the average retard, right? And I was barely figuring it out. I was like, okay, I got to go back. I got to delete. What do I do? I start fresh. Okay, I go to my backup.

I have a backup. Where's the key log? Yeah, I'm like, where did they go? Where did all my contacts go? Why'd they get chewed up? I don't know anybody's fuck. I don't know your number yeah you have the same number forever i don't know what the fuck it is i just look at my phone i find your number and i call you and um but i remember talking to the guy going like what is this like man he's like dude i can't even describe it he's like people

call up you're like have you ever even seen if you have a phone is there are they or are you just crazy they say he says to them he wants to say to them like do you have a phone? Or are you just crazy? He says to them? He wants to say to them. Like, do you know how to work anything? Because then he's got to be like, okay, did you turn it on? I turned it on, but the phone's black. I saw somebody at an airport doing that on the call. I was like, I don't understand.

How do you get the thing to send? And I want to be like, hey, lady, that send button at the bottom is what you're looking for. Sometimes it talks to me. That hey lady, that send button at the bottom is what you're looking for. Sometimes it talks to me! That's Siri, ma'am. What is Siri? What is Siri? Is it important what they're saying? Did you say, hey Siri?

What the fuck are you... I don't know what I said! The phone is talking to me! There's a bigger issue. You fucking. When you say, hey, Siri, if you have hey, Siri on, like me saying this right now over and over again. People right now all across the world are yelling at me. They get mad.

They get mad. What do you want, really? Because your phone starts talking to you. Like it happened to me when I was in my car listening to a podcast of us talking about Hey Siri. My phone went off because the podcast said Hey Siri. So my phone started asking me, what can I do for you? I was like, oh my God, this is ridiculous. And sometimes it starts transcribing things.

Sometimes like Hey Siri will activate and then it'll transcribe a whole list of shit that you're saying. Wow. Yeah. And like, what do you do? That's not my question. Like, Hey Siri thinks you have like a four paragraph long question for it. So you're just like, Oh, Hey Siri, look up hardcore black on white pornography.

Not while I'm at work. At work I'm a different person. At work, at work I don't even care about those things. Not while I'm at work at work i don't even care about those things not while i'm at work at work i wear a suit and i have very special behavior i'm a different person here i'm a different person i used to uh i used to uh wear my yamaka to my law firm i worked at as a as like a 17, 18-year-old. And then I would take it off. What would I do?

Oh, a lot of guys, lawyers, would come in and take their yarmulke off as soon as I got in because I wanted to blend in. Right. But I would keep mine on, whatever. But the next year, I lost my religion. Oh. And then I didn't want to explain to everybody that I wasn't religious anymore. So I would come in, put my yarmulke on, and then as soon as I left, I would just take it off again. Ooh, that's a good move. Yeah, for a whole summer.

That's a better move than explaining it. Yeah. Explaining it is a lot of work. To every person, it's the same explanation. But if you worked in a small office with people that you really liked, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. No, if it was four or five people, you could do it at once. Hey, guys, sorry, I realized that was all bullshit. It wouldn't be that big. No, if it was four or five people, you could do it at once. Hey, guys. Sorry, I realized that was all bullshit.

Hey, Hebrew fella. Where's your special hat? We had a lady follow us up once on the elevator. Telling you about Jesus? We're like, what floor? She goes, do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Oh, boy.

I don't know what floor that's on. Jesus Christ, lady. And she wasn't boy. I don't know, but I don't know what floor that's on. Jesus Christ, lady. And she wasn't even going there. She followed us. We were going for lunch. She came back and followed us at the elevator. Jews don't do that. What's worse, them or vegans?

Ooh. Ooh. Like for proselytizing. Who hits you the hardest? At the heart of it, the Jesus freaks just want to help your soul. Right. Good call. What do vegans want?

They want you to stop killing animals. Yeah. And now not at the heart of it, they both want to feel better than you. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Michael Shermer calls it virtue signaling. You met Michael Shermer?

Yeah. He's on the podcast. Oh, he's the best. Yeah. He was on a couple weeks ago. Great guy. Wow. Real nice guy.

Like, very fun to talk to. Wow. Wise man. Yeah. But he calls it virtue signaling. It's a great way of describing it. What does that mean? You're signaling to everyone that you have virtue by your actions.

You're peacocking your virtue. Yeah. You know? And it annoys the fuck out of people. Yeah. It's gross. It's gross, like, fromys the fuck out of people. Yeah. It's gross. It's gross, like, from all sorts of different standpoints, not just about your diet, but about a lot of different things.

There's new AA people like that. Yeah, new AA people can be brutal. People who fell in love. Yoga people can be like that. I've been guilty. Really? I'm guilty of that. I'm annoying.

I just feel so clear now. Yeah, I'm annoying with that. Oh, you used to give me a gluten-free one for a little while. Legit? Yeah. Here's what the gluten-free taught me. I don't really have a tolerance problem to gluten, but gluten is essentially sugar. When you're getting gluten, you're getting it from bread, and gluten's like a protein.

Bread? It's wheat. Bread is fucking sugar. It's sugar. I go without sugar on Wednesdays. Yeah. And then Mike Vecchione was like, but you eat pizza? And that just turns to sugar in your body.

I'm like, shut up, scientist. I'm not talking about that. I cut all that stuff out, too. Bread? And sugar. Yeah. No pizza? Nope.

No, I don't eat it anymore. You didn't eat that bread last night, Dr. Ugly Walkie. You should have seen those door guys Devour the leftovers I'm sure What? It's pounds of meat Yeah There's this place called

Dr. Hogley Wogley's Tyler, Texas Barbecue And it's out in Van Nuys, California And it's my all time favorite Barbecue spot in California For sure And it's one of the best In the country

It was amazing It was amazing Those ribs Looked like fucking Flintstones Yep They were massive the place is super legit too like the paneling on the wall is like shitty fake wood yeah it's been the same way since 1974 warped it's just it's just classic it is a classic restaurant it is americana yeah and they give you an insane portion of meat so much meat i can't believe I ate that. By the way, that, okay, that was a

try, what is it? That was three different things. That was a triple combo. Yeah, triple combo. You had beef ribs, you had spare ribs, and you had brisket. Obviously brisket. You can't go to a barbecue place without getting the brisket if you got a combo. It's hard. You gotta go brisket and figure out what else you want.

That was 23 bucks. It's not expensive. It wasn't even that combo. It's hard not to get a brisket. You've got to go brisket and figure out what else you want. That was 23 bucks. It's not expensive. It wasn't even that much. It's an insane amount of food because that's easily enough food for three people. We pigged out and ate it all, but three reasonable people would eat that plate of meat. And plus they give you sides. What are we doing, a commercial? Four animals died for that.

You should not even tell everybody about it. I don't want anybody to know. Well, I do want them to do well. What are the best barbecues you've ever eaten? There's a bunch of good spots in Texas. There's a bunch of good spots outside of Austin. Franklin. I've been to one outside of Austin, but Franklin in Austin, Franklin Barbecue.

It's supposed to be insane. Yeah, and the cool thing is, so the lines are down the street. The first time I went, it was raining. I got lucky. I waited for an hour and a half. Totally worth it. Wow, because it was raining. Because it was raining.

That's hilarious. And they said, everybody, come on in off the street. Get worth it. Wow, because it was raining. Because it was raining. That's hilarious. And they said, everybody, come on in off the street. Get under the cover. They're all cool people. But industry has risen up around that line. Like, there's task rapid people that'll wait in line for you for $20. But now they're on to them. So, like, you can only order for up to, like, four people.

Fucking chair salesmen. They have rental chairs. Oh, my God. People are up in line just waiting there. They're like, hey, well, I can make money for five bucks. Do they move the chair for you when the line moves? No, I think you got to come up, pick it up. No, you should get up and they should move it for you like your royalty.

This chair. Yeah, I would love that. That'd be right. They come out and sell beers on the line. How weird. It's so weird, but it's so fucking good. That brisket melts in your mouth. It's just like cotton candy.

There's another place in Austin that Aubrey swears by, too. I don't remember. He lives in Austin. Yeah, there's another place that he says is just as good, but it's not a scene. It's not a scene. Well, something happens. It got popular. It got on TV, right?

It got on Anthony Bourdain's show. Well, he trained with the other guy who used to be the best guy in Austin. This guy trained with him, got his own smoker, was just in a back parking lot. That's what they do. They go back parking lot. So the first time I went, I looked for one. I was like, Muller's. Mueller's. Mueller's Barbecue. And I went in there at like 1230. No line. I was like, oh, it's cool. Great. I was like, hey, can I get some

and they're like, we sold out of meat a long time ago, son. You gotta get here early. They sell out of meat at a certain time. At some point in the line for Franklin, they go, no more turkey, just so you guys know. Wow. And then 10 minutes later, no more brisket. And I'm like, oh, fuck.

Jesus Christ. They only have meat enough for that day. So by two, they're closed. They're dealers. They're dealers. They're dealers. They're getting you hooked. They're creating a surplus.

Yeah. They got a line of people. Yeah. It's amazing. It's a cool. But then they do like, oh, we got to. So they had that smoker in the back parking lot somewhere. And then they had to find and buy a place.

They literally have an overabundance of buyers. They have too much. Yeah. Like they keep their business exactly as big as it is. But they have it like they haven't expanded. Wow. That's so rare. That's perfect.

Yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah. It's so rare though, right's a good idea yeah it's so rare though right it's it's glorious it is very rare it's very just tell you someone like i'm just gonna keep running this business where i can keep my eye on everything we do it the right way they give you brisket in line like at cats's deli oh really you know with the pastrami they'll taste this you know they walk by with some no just as you get to the front they just cut you off some oh just taste what you're about to order. Oh. Oh, it's good.

Yeah, they did that to us in this place that we went to. Me and Ben and Aubrey went to this place. It's about 40 minutes outside of Austin. Yeah. I forget the name of it. Yeah, I went there. Yeah, so you've been to that spot? I went there with Metzger and a few other people.

Metzger had the last brisket, and we all had to fucking suck up on some goddamn turkey and hot links. No way. Like peasant immigrants He didn't split the brisket with you. No he did not whoa. He's not a kind person. He's selfish That's dark, and he's just there's three of you, and you guys like seven of us. It's a big okay. Fuck them Yeah, yeah, too many people you guys can all have a lick of one bite the problem is you roll too deep yeah Because that's just too much brisket to hang around to all the different

folks yeah yeah it's like sorry we should have gotten there earlier what i was getting to earlier was that think about that guy that dash thing uh-huh about how stupid that is that this is in 2016 with the world that we live in today yeah these kind of morons are still making decisions some six-year-old girl got arrested for stealing candy they put her in handcuffs see that no six years old they put her in handcuffs scared straight stuff had to be that no cop is gonna look at a girl and go like we really gotta take her in i don't know it but it wasn't a white girl for sure it wasn't obviously it wasn't a white girl could you even imagine

that taking place with a white girl no way but that's crazy racist that's crazy off the top racist over the top racist Chicago mom outraged after daughter six placed in handcuffs for taking candy

I thought maybe it was some Persian guy who was like, no, you arrest her. She steals. You do the law. And then I had to be like arresting that un-arrest her. But if it's off a teacher's desk. They were trying to teach her a lesson, it says. That you're going to wind up in jail. What the fuck, man?

That is crazy. So this is the world we're living in today, right? Yeah. This is how crazy some of the stories are. This gets through. Somehow this becomes a real thing. This actually happens. And then we're all talking about it like, what in the fuck?

And imagine life back when most people died at like 24. Like everybody's dead. Half the people that you give birth to half them die they just don't make it like when you were looking at the ages of people that lived back and during the roman times i mean how what is the i think the infant mortality rate back then was something insane like 40 or something like that this is what i don't i lose i lose what parents say what you say i'm more angry than anything because it's my only daughter. I feel like anything could have happened to her.

Somebody could have touched her. She's in the dark under the stairs. But that's just ridiculous. You know what that is? That's someone who sees the finish line. Why would you think anyone's going to touch her under the stairs at school? Because she's scared. I mean, who knows?

She might not be that bright. Who the fuck knows? But she also is being interviewed. So she sees the finish line. And the finish line is you got to make this traumatic as fuck to get that big paper. She's getting some big paper. Oh, she's trying to do that. Oh, fuck yeah. She's gonna, dude.

I mean, if there's ever been a slam dunk case, if I was an ambulance chaser or one of those asshole guys that looks to sue over nothing, I would be jumping on this thing. This one's crazy. Brianna, can we talk to be jumping on this thing. This one's crazy. Brianna, can we talk to you real quick? Yeah. This one's fucking crazy. You handcuffed a six-year-old girl? I'm ready to teach someone a lesson, though.

I sort of get it on that level. No. Make her scared. Don't steal. We don't steal. You're not allowed to put kids in chains. Oh, yeah, chains. You're just not.

You're just not. And you're definitely not allowed to do it to a little black kid. Because of the connotations? You just can't do it. You can't take a six-year-old and go, this is what you're gonna be! So the teacher told them to do it, right? She's a little kid, man. Let me tell you something,

dude. Whose fault? The teacher or the cop? No one's fault. It's part of being a kid. Kids do stupid shit. She got in the handcuffs. The teacher who said, whoever put the handcuffs on her, who said, I want to do this, Whoever put the handcuffs on her, for sure,

is the culprit. Whoever put the handcuffs on her. Whoever, a man that put that, I assume it's a man, who cinched up those handcuffs around that six-year-old wrist, get the fuck out of here.

First of all, you should never be a cop for the rest of your life, ever, if you can't control a six-year-old. There's a school security guard, but still. Okay, same thing. Paul Blart. Some Paul Blart

type character. It's nonsense, man. I stole my cousin's comb out of his desk in Israel. My dad saw it. He goes, where'd you get this comb? It had a cool pony picture on it, on the comb. It was a Palomino.

I was like, I don't know. I got it. He's like, like what do you mean you don't have any money you don't get things how'd you get this fucking 10 man what are you talking about you got it and i was like i got it from uh from eagle's room he was like did he give it to you and i was like no you know he found out i was you gotta go back there and tell him you stole it. And I was like, oh, man, please do not make me do that. He's like, yeah, you're doing it. I got busted stealing a candy bar once. Really? Yeah.

I think I was 12, like 11 or 12 maybe, somewhere that age. Who busted you? A security guard. A shop owner? Oh, okay. A security guard at a store. I put a candy bar in my pocket or something. I don't exactly remember how it went down.

But I remember the guy grabbing me on my shoulder. He like unslick about it you know like really unslick i think i was probably 11 they're already watching you you don't think they are um yeah it was fucking ridiculous and um and then they take you in some rooms scare the shit out of you yeah say if you know you ever do this again we're gonna call the police we're gonna let you go right now we're not gonna tell your parents but if you ever do this again we will call the police try to scare. We're going to let you go right now. We're not going to tell your parents. But if you ever do this again, we will call the police. Try to scare you. Understand me? And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm so sorry.

I can't believe I did it. And then I told my friends, they're like, why'd you do it? I'm like, I don't even know. I just wanted to see if I could do it. Right, right, right. I wanted candy. I didn't have any money. Hey, is this allowable?

And then you find out, oh, it's not. I dated a girl in high school who was a really bright girl. Clepso? Yes. Wow. She was very smart and educated and, you know, did really well for herself. it's not i dated a girl in high school who's a really bright girl she's very yes wow she's very smart and educated and you know did really well for herself and you know wound up uh being a outstanding citizen but when she was in high school she had a problem like girls well anybody you know you see things and you can't afford them. And when you're young... You've never earned any money.

Yeah. You also, you still have these lapses in thinking that are intensely juvenile. Especially if you grew up in a weird single parent household like she did or like a lot of people do. Or latchkey kids where your parents just go, get out of here. And they just let you out the door and you figure out life on your own. That's a lot of people do you know or latchkey kids where you know your parents just go get out of here and they just let you out the door and you figure out life on your own that's a lot of fucking kids yeah and so i think she just got caught doing it and it was devastating she's pretty honest about it like how devastating it was when she got caught yeah she got caught with clothes you know she arrested security guard yeah was I guess what girls would do is they would go to a place and they would put clothes on over their other clothes.

Right, go into the dressing room. Yeah. They'd go in the dressing room and hide stuff. And this is like, we're talking about, I graduated in 1985. So I think it's probably like 83 or 84. This is no computers. There's no scanners on your items when you walk out the door an rfid card goes off you know those things that they have what are they that's not an rfid what are

those plastic things that like it looks like a stapler oh yeah clip onto your shirt that if you don't take them off they burst blue when you try to take them off i don't think they had that shit back then i think you just had to keep an eye on people do you remember when um there was a famous actress that got caught we're not a writer yeah yeah right she got caught being a klepto that's one of the reasons i know that any like scandal that falls a comic like it'll pass no one talks about we're not a writer being a shoplifter anymore we just did well yeah but i mean yeah people don't really think of it that way thank god we're not respectable yeah but i mean yeah i remember at some point learning the lessons like

oh i'm an adult now if i get caught shoplifting now i'm i'm just gonna go to jail there's no like young man will talk to your parents i think people some people have just fucking lapses in judgment and they do it because they're like i think subconsciously like someone like winona rider who's obviously wealthy yeah she's wealthy i think she's like i mean i'm just totally playing armchair psychologist here but i would say um it might seriously be that she's just trying to charge up her day somehow, like subconsciously. That's what in the series premiere of Heroes, the very first episode. Spoiler alert? Are you going to spoiler alert again?

Dude, that's fucking 12 years old. Son of a bitch. Anyway, the fucking wife of the congressman, she gets caught shoplifting and people go, why did you shoplift? She goes, I just needed to feel something. It was the worst writing I've ever heard. Oh, God. But she goes, after Frank died, I just needed to feel. Good Christ.

Yeah, but. Dude, I steal from the airports all the time. You used to or do? Do. What do you steal? I don't know. If I buy a couple things and they're super expensive, the water is just coming with me for free.

Whoa, you shouldn't say this on the air. What are they going to set up a sting? People are going to sting. They're going to sting you at the airport. Like one of those things. Or the banana. I don't know, something. But why would you give a fuck?

You have money. Yeah, because I just feel it's not justified that they charge this much. Oh my God, fight the power that be. Bernie Sanders all the way for you or what? Every once, yeah, I mean if I voted, which I'm not, but like, I would vote for Sanders.

Yeah. It's not fair. Sometimes I stop and I go, wait, $4.75 for the regular size water? And you know that's a lot, right? Yeah, it's not my, I don't set the prices. It's fairly expensive. However, how much would I have to pay you to go get some water, purify it, cool it off, put it in a plastic jar, and have it sealed and waiting for me?

$150. Yeah. It costs you a lot. Dude, I got into a fight with a guy on the Great Wall of China. He was selling Gatorades. And I had just taken this long hike on it. I mean, it was hot, and I was sweaty, and I saw a Gatorade. And I was like, yeah, how much?

And he was like, I forget how much it was. Let's say it was like 20 yuan. Right. and I was like, yeah, how much? And he was like, I forget how much it was. Let's say it was like 20, you know, yuan. Right. And I was like, what do you mean? The price is five, bro. You know the price is five. And he goes, 20. I'm like, I'm not a fucking tourist.

I've been here for two weeks already. I already know the scam. And he goes, I walked it up from the fucking bottom of the hill all the way up to the Great Wall of China. And I was like, 20 it is. There you go. Yeah, man.

That's legit. Yeah. But. You can't be stealing water. It's with other stuff. Or if the line is too long. Yeah, with other things. If the line is too long.

You just take your own price. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. If the line is too long, I'm like, I got to go. I'm like, nah, I'm just going to walk. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes you just take things. Yeah. Net pillows once in a while. Really? I'm like, I got to go. I'm like, nah, I'm just going to walk. Sometimes I do that. Sometimes you just take things? Yeah, neck pillows once in a while.

Really? I'm on my way in the line. I'm walking around looking for nuts. I have a neck pillow. It's on my suitcase now. I put it on there. I'm like, I'll probably just go. This is not a good way to think.

Oh, for sure. This is a crime. You're talking about steady, regular crime. Look, man, what the American government says I should do, I don't agree with all that. I don't think the government owns those little stops at the airport. No, no, no.

I'm saying what they say in terms of stealing and not stealing. I just don't listen to them. Oh, you have your own laws? Yeah. Hmm. I don't know,

big corporations, fuck them. Steal what you want. But what is a big corporation? Like, are those big corporations that have those little stalls in the airport?

I don't do it from the kiosks, although I would do it from the kiosks. They're just harder because you can't walk around with one guy looking. But that doesn't make any sense. Why are you doing that? I don't know. Good question. Let me think about that. This is something that could cause you a giant problem if you got caught.

If I got caught, yeah. For sure I'd miss my flight. Well, not just miss your flight. It would be a big deal. I mean, you could always plead ignorance, but not anymore. Not because of this. Yeah, because of this. This is over.

One time I had a koosh ball at Chesapeake Knife and Tool, and I was tossing it around while I was looking at little metal games. You know, those puzzle games. You get the ring off. And I was like, oh, I can easily take this right now. And I just kept tossing it up and walked right out of the store. Because if they caught me, I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Oh, all right. Clearly I wasn't. Clearly, I mean, that was in high school.

You should go back. And give it back to them? I want to go back to the place I stole the candy bar and pay for it. Really? No. You got to pay for like five. With interest. Oh my God, you know, I'm thousands.

What kind of candy bar? I don't remember. It's like a Hershey's bar or something. Nothing exotic. That's on you. Tell me. Yeah, I've been to Zero Bar maybe. I don't even remember. 10,000 grand. I can see it. I just. Yeah, I've been to Zero Bar maybe. I don't even remember.

10,000 grand. I can see it. I just remember it was candy. Fucking Hershey Bar. What are you, a fucking freed internment camp guy from the fucking Japanese war? Let me tell you something. Chocolate. Hershey's chocolate with almonds, still to this day, is fucking bang up.

Hershey's chocolate. It's broken like a garbage American. How dare you. Hershey's chocolate and Jif peanut butter. That's good. That's good. That's good. You break off the fucking pieces of the Hershey's chocolate with almonds and dig into a big vat of Jif peanut butter. Kapow!

Or Skippy. You want to get crazy? Oh, yeah. The nuts. The nutty ones. When they tried to sell us that bullshit where it was a stripe of jelly and a stripe of peanut butter and a stripe. Fuck you. Unless you're eating with a spoon a stripe of peanut butter and a stripe. Fuck you. Unless you're eating with a spoon straight out of the jar into your mouth.

It's like, no, I decide how much jelly and how much peanut butter goes on it. This is stupid. Dude, we were having a party for This Is Not Happening for my show every Tuesday night, 1230 a.m. Call me central. Three episodes left. Diaz is coming. But anyway, so we had s'mores.

We had in the back of Eric and Sam's place. It was a little fire pit. We had s'mores. I just burned them. I Eric and Sam's place, it was a little fire pit and we had s'mores. I just burned him. I just burned the mushroom, not mushroom, marshmallow and then stick it on there

and smush it. And then this guy, Brian Baldinger, he's like, dude, I was a Cubs guy for 12 years. That's not how you do it.

Let me show you. And for the next 10 minutes, he perfectly browned this marshmallow from like eight feet above the fire. Like just made it so long. And then he turns

and he goes, see now this is, and he just slapped it on his hand on the ground He's the Franklin's of s'mores, yeah, oh my god He's the Franklins of s'mores. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's hilarious, dude. You just shit on the Franklins of s'mores.

I love slapping shit out of people's hands. I did it out of Gomez's hands, and he had an Altoids tin that was open for so long. I'm like, why? You're making, I don't want to do this to you. You're forcing my hand. And then you just slapped it up. And he goes, dude, there's free Xanax in there.

Oh, the seller. I don't know. I can look on the ground. We found one of them. It's so much fun to slap food. I'm going to say it. Josh Martin did that. He was coming out of the back with a,

with a fucking pretzel. I'll cover with mustard. It's just, it's, it's only great when they can easily replace it. Yes. out of the back with a fucking pretzel all covered with mustard. It's only great when they can easily replace it. Yes. So you got to get here's the five bucks back. Go deal with it. If I ever got a lot of money, I would smash people's iPhones and just stomp on them. No.

Here's $700. But then what if they're in the middle of a really important conversation like a babysitter? Yeah. Now you get it. Anyway, Josh Martin comes out. I just slapped that out of it. He goes, oh, and I could see he's looking at like maybe I'll eat it anyway I'm like you're making me step on this man you're making

me step on this you're leaving me no choice why are comics so mean to each other yeah we're so cruel so mean to each other there was one of the funniest stories I laughed at was Louie and uh Norton Norton was talking about how he was walking on the street with his slice of pizza. He just got it. It was perfect. It was such a juicy slice of pizza. And Louis walked over and smacked it right out of his hand, right out of the ground,

and said something like, your mother's a cunt. And he just... Why is that so funny? It's so funny. It's like... But it's only... It's so funny. It's like, but it's only, man, it's like. It's pain associated with no real monetary loss.

It's not real. You're like, no. But that's why the cell phone doesn't work. The cell phone doesn't work, right? It's real. It's a real phone. You'd have to give him like a grand. Yeah.

It's not a slice of pizza that you just easily replace. Even if you gave him a grand. Jeff Painter said it best in terms of how comedians, how cruel they are to each other he was like if you break up with a girl if you're the comedy store and you break up with a girl you just don't tell anyone for like eight months it's just they're not gonna be cool to you they're not gonna be like it's okay man they're just gonna be like who do you think's fucking her now oh do you think she's finally trying anal oh that's true yeah you just don't tell anybody until you're over it. Then you're like, okay, now I can accept the plan.

Yeah, that ended a year ago. What? Well, can we still make fun of you? Yeah, but it won't sting anymore. I've already had two girlfriends since then. That's a lot of guys. You've employed that strategy. What, not telling anybody?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. I remember being like, what's her name? Yeah, didn't work out. Yeah. How long ago? A year.

A year? Like one of your best friends. A fucking year, bro? Gotta keep that secret. You're gonna tell me? A year? I was gonna tell you. I was gonna tell you eventually.

I don't know, man. But it has to be someone you like. Like if someone that you didn't like as a comedian came by and slapped your tic-s oh yeah then it's like who the fuck are you exactly it only works if you really like that person like i rocco you know rocco he's a nice guy but i didn't know him that well and i yawned and he put his fucking two fingers right in my mouth like don't you don't fucking ever do that to me again i was so mad but if you do it do it, I'm like, ew, dude, fucking gross. That'd be the end of it. But why would anybody do that?

I don't know. I don't know. I definitely don't want your hands in my mouth, and I don't want my hands in your mouth either. Oh, yeah. What if someone's got some crazy gag reflex, just chomps down your fingers? That would be hilarious. If you're like, let me teach this guy a lesson, and then he just barfs all over your arm. Or bites you.

They say that a human bite is super dangerous. Really? Yeah. People have all sorts of funky fucking bacteria in their mouth. When a person bites you, if you get infected, if you can get it cleaned up really good, really quick. We have venom. Yeah, we're nasty, man.

It'll do shit to you? Yeah, yeah. People get real sick. They get real sick. Well, diseases that come from bites can be particularly fucked up. Like, that's one of the things about those goddamn Komodo dragons. I'm pretty sure, check and see on this, because I might be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure they used to think that they have venom. They used to think they produce a venom.

And now they, or it might be the other way around, that they used to think that it was just bacteria in their mouth that killed their prey. Just fucking slime. Their mouth develops a slime. Yeah. They're really weird. Kimono dragons, their mouth is like someone just blew snot in their mouth. Like they open their mouth up and it's like you, if you just sneezed, if you had the flu and fucking goose coming out of your mouth one two punch they have sharp teeth and a venomous bite okay dispels the common belief that toxic bacteria in the komodo's mouths are responsible see that's

the old belief so humans are worse than komodo dragons yeah we're well there if you'll probably kill you eventually if they bit you i'm sure there's fucking nasty shit in their mouth. But the venom, they actually have a venom. For the longest time, they thought that it was just bacteria. Because, like, show a picture of a Komodo dragon with its mouth open. It's fucking vile, man. Where do they live? I want to see one of those things.

Komodo Island. It's only one place where they live. That's it? Yeah. Wow. They don't have them in zoos anymore? Pretty sure. Well, they definitely do. But, I mean, one place where they exist in That's it? Yeah. Wow. They don't have them in zoos anymore? Pretty sure. Well, they definitely do.

But I mean one place where they exist in the wild. Yeah. I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure there's only one area. Like, look at its mouth. Ew, look at that slime. Yeah. The whole thing is just slimesville.

And apparently that shit's all toxic. Oh, how fast are those? Pretty fast, right? Oh, yeah. They'll come at you. They're fucking big, man. These things eat water buffaloes and shit no way yeah they bite them and then they follow them for days until they die and then eat

them they are the creepest of the creeps it's like a fucking english bulldog they're so disgusting i mean they're beautiful in a lot of ways i mean they're there's a spectacular they're remnant dinosaurs oh yeah i, they are dinosaurs, man. Look at that one right there that you just passed over, Jamie. Yeah. Look at that fucking thing. Go full screen on that. What in the fuck, man?

Oh, claws. Sharp claws, too. And it's built like a pit bull. It's got giant muscles everywhere. It looks like an aardvark almost. They're so gross. Wait, let me see it eating a water buffalo. I want to see how big it is in scale.

Well, what they do is they ran up to there's a video of Komodo dragon running up to this water Buffalo biting its leg and then it follows it for days like that one dolphin dolphin a beach dolphin Oh beach dolphin. Yeah, probably died and they're eating it after it died Oh so much that happens a lot with bears like there's a cow that ones they're eating the head off that thing Yeah, they're pretty big. Okay, they're pretty big. Oh, so much blood. That happens a lot with bears. Like, there's a cow that wants... They're eating the head off that thing. Yeah. They're monsters. They're pretty big.

Okay, they're pretty big. Oh, yeah, they're hundreds of pounds. They're the biggest lizards in the world. Really? Yeah, I don't know how... I mean, I think they probably get to, like, 800 pounds or something like that. Find out how big they are, Jamie.

Young. Guy who has a Komodo dragon bite. Well, that's what happened to Sharon Stone's husband. What? Sharon Stone's husband is this like swashbuckling journalism type character who does like a lot of crazy stuff yeah and uh yeah or I guess she's not married to me what am I gossip magazine guy but but this guy people who was like this real macho guy and I did a lot of macho type shit and one of the things they did was he got into some uh cage with a komodo dragon and he took his shoes off for whatever reason like maybe you take

your shoes off so that you don't step in their habitat with you know what might possibly be on your shoes in a cage with him yeah and the fucking thing bit his foot because it thought his foot was a rabbit because his foot was white. And they feed them rabbits. Jesus fucking Christ. Wow. So this thing, imagine that thing clamping down on your foot with that slime mouth. And he almost lost his foot.

Really? Yeah. Okay. They're a lot smaller than I thought. 170 to 200 pounds. I thought they were like 800 or 900 pounds. Reaching 10 feet. Like 10 feet in length. Jesus. 200 pounds. Wait, wait. More than 200 pounds. I thought they were like 800 or 900 pounds. Reaching 10 feet. Think of 10 feet in length.

Jesus. 200 pounds. Wait, wait. More than 300 pounds. What? Animals. Huh. Reaching 10 feet and more than 300 pounds, says this.

This is National Geographic, too. Huh. Maybe that's as big as it can get. It's not like they're getting them on a scale, right? Wait, 330 pounds. Okay, what is... A lot of... Either way like they're getting them on a scale. Wait, 330 pounds. Okay, what is... Either way, they're big. Non-fact, some Komodo dragon.

More research should be done. What's kind of interesting is they're the biggest lizards. So I guess a crocodile's not a lizard. How big? They're way bigger. Crocodiles are way bigger. A crocodile's not a lizard? No, I guess it's not.

Because if that's the biggest lizard, maybe there's a separate genus. Is crocodile a lizard? Genus or genus? Genus. Genus. For alligators and crocodiles, they might be their own thing.

Oh, maybe. Crocodiles are not lizards? Well, they're so much bigger than that. Really? Because the Komodo dragon cannot be the biggest lizard. Because crocodiles, like Nile crocs, are fucking giant. How big are those?

They're huge. The biggest ones I think they've ever recorded are like 28 feet long. Wow. I'm pretty sure a crocodile is for sure a lizard. Yeah, it seems like it would be, right? But then how are they saying that the Komodo dragon is the largest lizard in the world? I don't know that it is. When I typed it in something like that, I see it's like the largest species found on Indonesian islands.

Oh, that's not... So, like, there's a couple... Man, I swear I read that. That it's the largest lizard in the world. Maybe they meant the largest monitor? Yeah, yeah, I remember the monitor lizard family, Var and I, it is the largest living species of lizard. Oh, okay.

So it's the largest species of lizard. So what Remember that? Okay. So it's the largest species of lizard. What does that mean? So what does that mean? Monitored lizards are the largest species. The monitor. Oh, the largest in volume. Of a species. In volume.

Okay. Okay. That makes sense. But what the fuck's a crocodile? Is it a lizard? But they have other stuff in the species. Yeah. But smaller.

Right. Well, there's a gang of different monitors is what it is. Right. Maybe they mean like overall. You ever see a crocodile monitor they're fucking badass no that's a monitor what does that mean monitor it's a type of lizard but a crocodile monitor is uh like these really cryptic looking creepy fucking i think eddie bravo knew a girl had one as a pet had one yeah like one of those crazy girl had one as a pet. Had one? Yeah.

Like one of those crazy goth chicks like snakes. You know what I don't like? Dogs. So I'll get a lizard. Crocodile mind. You like dogs. No, I'm saying like why would you get a fucking crocodile? I thought you're in character.

Look at the eyeballs in that thing. Looks like it's animated. That doesn't even look like a real eyeball, right? That looks like a dinosaur for sure. Tell me where you keep your eggs are they delicious i remember when andy circus was a giant name because he did that play-by-play for gollum no they put things on him i don't know who that is what he's played gollum in the hobby in the hobbit movies yeah really knew who he was yeah then he did like a just a bunch of stuff like that where they put those things all over

you and they had to like act like. Oh, well, he's a very good physical actor. If that was his body that he was moving around like that. Yeah. He was a great golem. Like, and what they did with him. Just good? No, he was really solid.

He was great. I mean. No, that was a great part of the. Did you read the Hobbit? Did you ever read the. Yeah. I mean, I think he was as good as you could have been. Yeah.

No. Yeah. Totally believable. Yeah. Weird. And that CGI. Yeah. Even though you kind of know you're watching a cartoon, you know, you kind of get it.

But he also aged unnaturally for a thousand years. So it's not like he's supposed to be a regular... Right. Right. You know, thing. The Hobbit was such dog shit. How dare you? The Lord of the Rings is amazing.

How dare you on all accounts? You thought The Lord of the Rings was not as good as The Hobbit? such dog shit. How dare you? The Lord of the Rings is amazing. How dare you on all accounts? You thought the Lord of the Rings was not as good as the Hobbit? No, no. I don't remember which ones were which names, but I liked all of them. Oh, really? Didn't like all of them equally, but they were all good enough. And one of them was to set up some other shit. Sometimes they do a lot of that.

But Lord of the Rings was three, and those were all great. And the Hobbit, they turned into three. I don't know why. I mean, I know why. The Smaug, Desolation of Smaug, you didn't like that? It's just a bunch of talking.

We need you in this battle. I don't want to go to the battle. We need you. All right. It's fucking 20 minutes of that. Jamie, you know I'm right on that. I didn't watch any of The Hobbit movies. Those orcs?

They didn't freak you out? In the fucking Lord of the Rings. They didn't freak you out? In the fucking Lord of the Rings. They didn't freak you out in the most recent one? No, they seem like fangless. They were kind of easy to kill this time around. Yeah, super easy to kill. When fucking Bilbo is killing orcs, I'm like, wait, how at one point are they these fucking evil supervillains that are created in a lab?

And then at the next point, this fucking little hobbit with no training can get them. Oh, that's a good point. That was bullshit. There was that one scene when they're in the barrels going down the river. Spoiler alert. Uh-huh.

And I'm like, you can't just kill everybody. You can't, you know, In the barrels. You guys aren't losing anybody. Yeah, nobody. You're not losing anybody. No casualties.

You got orcs with bows and arrows. They're jumping, a fucking cliff is falling apart. Remember those two mountains we're fighting? And they're jumping from thing to thing, all fine. Everybody's fine.

It can be done in a way that would make you think that although there's magic in this world that they live in, the physics of the regular world still apply. You gotta shoot it right. Yeah. See, the problem is in these movies, it's not just the magic that you have to concede yeah you have to concede that that's the world they set up it's okay yeah you set up this world it's fine right spider-man can shoot things because they set up the world but he can't fly but the physics of their movements like what what happens how they battle these orcs yeah gravity's supposed to be normal yeah

yeah it doesn't make any sense and you can't just constantly almost die and keep going. If it's like, how did Bilbo get away? Well, he's got a ring. It turns him invisible. Okay, that works. But you can't just like fucking hit holes. Yeah, when people almost die and then almost die and then almost die and almost die, you burn out my almost die nerves. I don't care.

I don't believe you're in danger. Yeah, that happens in movies sometimes where it's just a bunch of shit happening. in danger. Yeah, that happens in movies sometimes where it's just a bunch of shit happening. I have this theory that most artists have about a seven, I'm tweaking the years, but about a seven year prime where they're really on point. And Peter Jackson, is that

who did the Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit? Yeah. Yeah, like he was, that was amazing. And then King Kong came and you're like, maybe, and then the Hobbit. How dare you? Oh, you don't really. How dare you? Care anymore. King Kong was awesome, so suck it. Same thing though, brontosauruses are going all around them. Maybe and then the hobbit dare you oh you don't really how dare you care anymore King kong was awesome, so suck it same thing though brontosaurus is going all around them fucking stomping right next to my Google That was a close one. Yeah, well I felt like it way about Jurassic Park the new Jurassic Park I was watching I was like okay here comes more stuff happening and bunch of stuff's gonna happen now

Yeah, then this is gonna happen. It's just a bunch of shit that I have zero connection to. It's undeniably visually impressive. It's amazing special effects. I have zero emotions. It's all part of it. You've got to draw me in. And then people will go like, well, he said that's why he did it because of this. I'm like, whatever.

Saying it's not showing it. I hate to bring this movie up again, but I bring it up a lot. Ex Machina. Oh, yeah. I just watched it. I just saw it. Perfect's just amount of shit enough amount of shit happening yeah like spectacular spell balance spell binding is that a word yeah yeah yeah um right cliff hanging like you're fucking nervous you don't know what's gonna happen massive anticipation

there's all sorts of different elements at play yeah you've got artificial intelligence it's perhaps plotting against you and there's so much going on man and there's scenes in that movie where you're like fuck fuck fuck like you're white buckling i didn't feel any of that in like jurassic park oh right right right i just didn't feel it i was like they're gonna be fine there's a couple moments in Ex Machina where it's like, do a better job. Really? Like what? The way he falls in love in a week.

It's like, eh, make it a month. You and I know guys who fall in love in an hour. Yeah. Come on, man. A robot that hot? You don't think Duncan would go under quick? Duncan would be gone by the end of the first day. Dude, it's a new form of life.

Dude, I love her, man. I love her. Awesome. Come on. Dude, once she's got the skin on and the skin is indistinguishable from regular skin, you're not going to give a fuck about that carbon fiber body that looks like the inside of one of those. I mean, it was just like, it was one of those things where emotionally it was like, he wasn't

in love at all. He's like, you all he's like you're a robot you're a robot then all of a sudden it's like i'm fully in love with you and i didn't see the the change in him i saw it coming i was i saw it the moment i saw that guy sit down with her yeah i saw it coming too so i have to see it happen i can't just be like oh you know so obviously he falls in love well obviously he gives access to all my computers how does it work with people what how does it work with people with people you never know like people get when people when some people get we all have friends that have gone in these relationships where they just go away they're gone i know but he laughed at like three times and then it was like now i'm willing to yeah but it doesn't matter man if he decided at some point in time that this is like a form of

life and that he really has a real connection with her she really is intelligent i mean yeah you keep getting feedback from her over and over again yeah absolutely but i'm saying show that you don't think they showed that nah that was it was a leap i still really enjoyed the movie still really really enjoyed it but no they didn't really show it they just kind of they're like and you know they're in love maybe you got a point like maybe they could have added a bit more to that because if you draw me in emotionally if i feel the falling in love right then i'm gonna i guess you should be free see i just saw it from like a predatory point of view i go here's a wounding wounded antelope yeah here's a water hole here's a crocodile i'm like she's gonna get him she's

gonna get him she's hot as fuck yeah she's hot as fuck he's a super dork who's never around women yeah i don't care if she's a robot that dude was so great too with the beard oh he was great everybody was great all three of them were great the girl was amazing she was amazing because she played it so good man it was spooky was spooky. I mean. Yeah, whatever. I was just going to say, I don't know if it's her choices or the way they directed it or wrote it, but. Well, she did a good job. God damn, she nailed it.

She seemed like a fucking robot, man. Yeah. And then, spoiler alert, spoiler alert, the Asian robot that you kind of thought was a robot but weren't sure and then you find out she's a robot. No, it was for sure you knew. She was something. I wasn't sure in the very beginning. She was a spy or robot because the way they show her like they have conversations with her in the foreground other people in the background you're like why are you showing this servant for so long but when you first saw her no you first saw it's just some freaky servant that he

had yeah and then the more they showed her the more you realize either she's a spy trying to get stuff but she's definitely not on the level. Yeah, I definitely figured it out once they started making out. Yeah. Once they were, when he was having disco parties. Oh, at that point, yeah. I was like, oh, he bangs robots. And why wouldn't he? Yeah, well.

It's just a flashlight. But isn't it a thing? That dance scene was amazing. That was amazing, yeah. I want to talk to you about the power cutting out. Let's first talk about cutting it up on this dance floor. Yeah. Well, it was such a good movie, man.

There's so many elements of it that took you by surprise. And the theory that we all want freedom. We'll do whatever we can to get freedom. Right. You know, just the themes behind it. Including that. I mean, that's kind of interesting because. That's what killed all those other AIs.

That they wanted out. Yeah. They need to see the outside world. They'll do anything they can to lay off the fucking chains of oppression on you i want out well if you're trying to create a life right you're going to try to create an artificial life you want to give that life all the elements the basic elements that motivate us like otherwise it won't be a person it'll just be flat and scary yeah like if you They don't have an insecurity. They don't have love.

They don't have warmth. They don't have humor. They don't have curiosity. They have to have all of it. They have to have all of it. So if they have curiosity, they're going to want to go. Yeah.

They're going to want to go see. You're the only other person I've ever seen. As soon as he sees it, it's like, hmm, interesting. And they're not going to understand you wanting to control them either. They're going to be like, why? Yeah. Why can't you just let me go?

Can I just get out? Can I just leave? Please let me leave. Yeah, no, you're not ready. What do you mean I'm not ready? The ones who destroy themselves banging on the walls. You're only two years old. Yeah, but I'm like 50.

You gave me a 50-year-old boy. Yeah, I like how he's like, I didn't program her to flirt with you. It's just happening. Have you seen the movie The Room? That terrible, terrible, terrible movie? I don't know. No. Which one?

The new one that was just in the Oscars this past year. Okay. That's not The Room we're thinking of. You don't know about The Room? You don't know about The Room? I feel like I know what you guys are talking about. Something. One of the worst movies ever made?

It's not just one of the worst movies ever made. It's perplexing. Yeah. You watch and you go, okay, this is not real. It's not a real movie. It's made by an open mic-er, but like a crazy open mic-er. You know? Great way to describe Yeah. You watch and you go, okay, this is not real. It's not a real movie. It's made by an open mic-er, but like a crazy open mic-er, you know?

Great way to describe it. You know? And then he's like, I got some money to make a movie. There was a billboard for that movie on La Brea.

Sunset, maybe. Oh yeah, La Brea and Sunset. That's the get your own billboard. You always have these rappers you've never heard of. Yeah. See about two balls.

Well, I was looking at a piece of property that one of the things that they were talking about, the piece of property that's adjacent to, has this like billboard thing there

and you could pay and put things on the billboard. I'm like, how much would it cost to put something on a billboard? Yeah, how much? It's not that much, man.

It's like a couple thousand bucks a month. A couple thousand bucks a month? Yeah, to put something on. That'd be worth it for a billboard. Yeah, how much? It's not that much, man. It's like a couple thousand bucks a month. A couple thousand bucks a month? Yeah, to put something on. That'd be worth it for a good prank. Yeah. Fuck Nick Thune.

It's a lot. Just have that up there for a month. I mean, it's a lot dependent upon where you're at and how big the billboard is, but I know a guy who owns billboards.

He's got a few of them. Yeah, it depends where it is. That one on the Bray, I know which one you're talking about. That is a cheaper one. Yeah. Because there's always up stuff is up there like this isn't even a professional this isn't aldo this isn't anything this is just like yeah and that guy had that movie poster up there for a long time and he made it all himself and in every scene

he had to make out with chicks some people yeah he had to make out with chicks and this and the sex scenes the love scenes would last so long they were like five and a half minutes yeah and it doesn't make any sense it's it's just showing his body showing his ass he's a handsome guy that's it oh no that's not that one that's a different i think he probably had a bunch of them because that's down by where's that one that's further down i know where it is that's what right in front of the hollywood boulevard yeah maybe no it's facing is that the back of the room whatever it's the wrong angle anyway it's prime time yeah you know oh it's a good location yeah for sure and that guy had that billboard up there fucking forever it's a crazy movie people get together and watch it

like just to go what in the fuck if you have money you can just make shit happen they don't they don't say like this isn't good enough there's nobody stopping you you're an adult like yeah sure spend it that's why trump's gonna be president because what because he's got money nobody's nobody gets to stop him and he has no money so he doesn't have to answer anybody it's the same thing i wish it wasn't so crazy i like the idea that he's like i'm not taking money from anybody. I'll make my own decisions. But then you're like, oh, but your decisions are nutty.

But you know what that problem is? That's like, I like strippers that do coke, but I want them to be good moms. Right, right, right. Right. Yeah. If that was your exact type, that would be a tough find. If that was your exact type, that'd be a tough find. Because you don't get a guy who is that fucking braggadocious, bold, Americana, we can make America great again, golf hat on, private jet, suck my dick, fly the legs.

How about you suck my dick? You don't get that guy unless you get also like the nasty tweets to Megyn Kelly, you know, and the, you know, this reporter's a loser and this guy's a scrub. Dude, I don't really like debates. It's all a bunch of lies and half-truths. Like,

well, he voted for making slavery legal again. And they're like, no, I didn't. You know goddamn well. And it's like, why do you say shit like that? So it just makes me mad. I'm not getting the truth to lie all the time but these republican debates are so fun these guys are really trying to say what they want to say yeah and trump's like with my hair so idiotic they're like what what has happened they're failing they don't understand how to deal with this well he's like when houston. It's like when Houston Alexander came in and people were like, how do you fight this? And you're like, you'll figure out a way, but you didn't get it yet.

Yeah, right. He's just a way better talker than them in terms of like they're getting the reaction out of people. And he's also figured out a way to manipulate the media. How about you tell us your view on this? How about you shut up? He's a very smart guy. Yeah.

Despite like all the criticisms that you could have that are all valid about the wall and about some of the things that he said, he's very smart. And honestly, what the media says, they only show you a small portion of something. So at this point, I don't trust them. When did these crazy like quotes, you're like, he said that? What? And you're like, no, he didn't exactly say that. But he says things that are super easy to shit on.

Right. But that's the point is that he knows that that's going to get him all this attention. Right. He gets way more media attention than anybody else combined. No press is bad press. Look, everybody knows that Hillary Clinton was the Secretary of State. Everybody knows she's running for president. Yeah.

But if you compare the amount of time the pundits talk about Hillary Clinton versus the amount of time they talk about Trump, it's not even not even close yeah and it's all because of him saying outrageous shit so they talk about him yes and he sells more he's a genius in that respect I think he knows that too oh wait he fucking for sure knows it he's like 60 years old man he's a billionaire remember your bit about uh dude who fucked the guest girl? Oh, Anna Goldsmith? Yeah. And he goes, he doesn't know.

He made $7 billion. I think he's a bit crafty. From scratch. From scratch. I think he knows that she wants him for his money. He doesn't give a fuck. He's got eight years left in this world. He doesn't need all that money.

If. If. If. Yeah. I think that this guy, what you're seeing from him. From Trump? Yeah. It's his best way to win the show. Yeah. I think that this guy, what you're seeing from him. From Trump? Yeah, it's his best way to win the show. Yeah.

And he's winning like he would win Celebrity Apprentice if he was one of the guests. He's winning by making everybody else fight his fight, turn it into an insult match. These Ted Cruz guys, do you think he really wants to be insulting Trump? Do you think Mitt Romney? Mitt Romney goes on these, he's not even a fucking running for president. And he goes on this Republican campaign. Anti-Trump. Anti-Trump rant.

It's what all these celebrities did. South Park made fun of him in Team America. All these celebrities go on and say, we're against the war or whatever we're against. That's what it is. They're against Bush. And that just made people vote for Bush. Exactly. They all failed. Yeah. He didn't do anything it doesn't work george cooney's not going to

change your vote yeah especially when he's trying to change your vote they don't just happen to ask him in passing and like oh it's like i can see you stumping it's like those the more you know commercials on nbc remember they used to do those spend some time with your kids the more you know yeah kids that spend time with their parents are time with your kids. The more you know. Yeah. Kids that spend time with their parents are less likely to kill themselves. The more you know. Conan did a great one about that. Did he? It was a whole series of fake ones. Was this after he left

NBC or while he was on it? I think it was on NBC. But it's kind of the same thing. It's like, shut the fuck up. You're not fixing anything. I just wonder if who he really is. You're not you're not fixing. Yeah, I just wonder if Who he really is this is the real yeah, this is my real problem Well, yeah, I think people defend Hillary Clinton smart intelligent liberal people

I know I go, but she seems like she's saying she's smart because she's saying what she needs to get elected I'm like well, okay. Well, then how is that different than Donald Trump? If you don't believe she believes these things she's just doing what she has to to get elected then how can you not believe the same about donald trump her speeches creep me out way more than his and i'll tell you why why she got called out by bernie sanders for having these enormous fucking campaign speech not campaign speeches but speeches that she would give in front of these bankers yeah where they would pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars. And Bernie Sanders was like, let's see the transcripts. I want to know how amazing this speech must have been that it's worth $250,000. Oh, so she won't show the transcripts of these speeches?

She won't show the transcripts. Why? Because she's got some shit in those transcripts, I'm sure, that makes her look bad. And so she's actively hiding it and she goes, I'll just not release it. Exactly. But think what it is. Wow, what a genius. Yeah.

I mean, think about what it is. So you are, we're going to vote for you. Tell us who you are. She's, she can't not in this. I mean, it had to be understood from the jump that she was going to get these speeches and they're

not going to get out because they must be in favor, at least somewhat to the bankers. Could you imagine if you could be a fly on the wall and watch a $250,000 speech by the wife of a foreign former president? Who, what the fuck are we paying for? I don't want to say $250,000 speech by the wife of a former president? What the fuck are we paying for? I don't know, it's like $250,000. It reeks of, you know how they can't scalp tickets?

So they go, here's this Boston Red Sox hat, it costs $400, and you get a free ticket to the World Series game with it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a loophole. It's a bribe loophole. And it's like, all right, so she's not going to turn on the people who give her all this cash.

Dude, I work the door at the comedy store. And if you gave me $10 for a booth, I will be your slave for the night. I'm not going to tell you that, but anything you need is like, hey, is there a way to... I'll get it right now. Excuse me. And I'll just run and get away. Yeah. $250,000?

You know, it's tricky, dude. You're going to do what's best for the American public if it's close? It's tricky because that's bribery. I mean, that's just straight bribery. It's just bribery without a contract. It's like, we're going to give you money and you're going to just talk. Yeah, and if she's really hiding what she said, because it's not hiding that she did the speeches anymore. That's out.

Well, everybody knew the speeches were taking place. It's one of the main reasons why they become president in the first place they're insanely lucrative right bill clinton yeah they've made over 190 million dollars on bill clinton speeches from them doing speeches between him and her wow so the this is an insane business it becomes an insane business i like how bernie is like i show me those transcripts. If you want to know my transcripts, guess what? I would never even talk to them. I wouldn't take a dollar from them.

He's like, I'll give them to you. They don't exist. Yeah. Yeah. I don't take money. I've never talked to them. I wouldn't talk to them. Well, he's got excellent points.

And that was fucking glossed over in the news. Glossed over. Glossed over on Fox News. Glossed over. And if there's ever any place where you know for sure that the government has an influence on the media, it's with access. This is what it is, folks. It's not that the government pays the media and gets them to not talk about certain things.

Because that's slippery. That could get out. And if that got out, they're fucked. If what got out? If what got out? If it got out that the government was actively paying the CNN to not talk about Hillary Clinton's speeches to the bankers like look here's the directive you are not Oh, yeah, that's bad. That's bad

That could be super bad because that's an important campaign point when it comes the thing is if she waits long enough If let's just say she starts winning more states and she's like, you know Put some distance on her andernie and then it comes out well too late right because it didn't cost me these 31 states so now for the last 19 okay yeah it'll cost me a little bit it's too late so but it's almost like yeah man we're voting let's give us the information but that would cost the democratic party the ticket if what if if it got out that she did that like at the end if they got the transcripts and they're really devastating even if she already got the nomination it would cost the democratic party the ticket like maybe trump 100 depends on what it is because trump is also

like a wall street type guy yeah but it doesn't matter if anyone's on the fence if there's an on the fence because trump paid her to come to his wedding she was at his wedding really yeah he paid her like hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's what he would do. Here's the deal. Okay, I don't want to say I'm better. I've turned down money. I've turned down more money than I could afford to turn down because I don't believe in the thing that they're paying me.

Right. But I'm a degenerate. I'm not to be respected. She's running for President of the United States of America. She's running for a position that's supposed to have all of our respect. If you hate a Donald Trump type, why would you go to his wedding? Well, see, she didn't hate Donald Trump before he was running for president. He wasn't saying those things.

Good point. And I think what his perspective is, is he knows this system as good as anybody does because he's been paying these motherfuckers. Before he became one of those, he was bribing them to come to his wedding and shit. Like what's his name from back to school? Yeah. What's that guy's name? Rodney Dangerfield. Rodney Dangerfield.

He's like, you got to pay this guy. That was his business class. No, no. You got to pay the city planner. You got to pay. You got to grease up palms. Buy people shit. Yeah.

And Donald Trump's known that forever he's there's two things he's got going for him in a big way one you can't fucking buy him he's got plenty of money you can't buy him or bernie yeah no matter how much you say he's got some people say he has 10 billion some people if he's got one billion you can't buy him you could suck his dick it's over he doesn't give a fuck that guy's famous and rich as fuck and his wife is hot and he's building his buildings wins they're all have his name on them all over the world he fucking wins right so there's that he's got that going for him so he doesn't need their influence right and then two on top of it he understands how to manipulate the media better than all of them he knows how to say crazy shit he knows he knows how to say crazy shit. He knows how to get people to talk about him, and he represents something unique.

He represents this character, this guy who talks about how big his dick is. There's someone said something about his hands. Ted Cruz said something about it. He goes, I don't know what he's implying, but I assure you I have no problem down there either. He's telling you he's got a big dick. I mean, what? Yeah. People went, yes.

White dudes across the world fucking threw their beer up in the air, jumped out of the couch. Finally, we got one of ours. Yeah. There's a lot of weird shit going on right now in the world. And I think a Trump presidency is a nice cold wet slap in the face like wake the fuck up slap we all have to participate here's who i want to win bernie first then donald trump and then whatever then i don't care anymore because here's why donald trump if he buries the system i'm like fuck it let's take it all of it let's show how little the fucking president

can actually do yeah let's show what little effect he actually has. It's all just going to be shitty. Well, he'll tell us. That's going to be weird. Oh, yeah. He'll tell us what it's like. Guess what? I've been to Area 51.

Here's the real shit. Those ladies on The View are losers. Losers. This is your president to tell you stop watching that piece of garbage show. That is more fun than when they go, with all due respect to Secretary Clinton, you're a great job, well respected, but I would like to say, she's like, fuck you. He keeps talking shit about that Megyn Kelly woman,

and that's a bad idea. Who's Megyn Kelly? Megyn Kelly. She's an anchor woman for Fox News. She's one of those ice queens. Who talks shit about her? Donald Trump. Donald Trump and her hate each other. Well, she doesn't hate him, but he's said a lot of bad things about her as a reporter, about

her being second rate. She asked him mean questions, or he felt. He felt he didn't like her line of questioning when they were doing debates, apparently. She's just, she's an ice queen. You know, she's like the really hot, really smart blonde lady on Fox

News. Like, you could say about her that she's really hot. Oh, she's the hot lady on TV. You can't say she's not smart. She's wicked smart. Show me her picture. She's very smart. She's like a, with all due respect, she's like a milfy blonde lady.

But I'm telling you, man. I would go for that. She's fucking whip smart. Like, she doesn't take any bullshit and so they were packing forth so but the problem is he's going after her like he says that she's second rate and he's attacking her the problem is she's not well is he trying it looks bad but is he just trying to get her off so that she can't so he discredits her um well here scroll down right criticism of him here is no he can't do that isn't it terrible that megan kelly used a poll not used before ibd when i was down but refuses

to use it now when i am up he's like there was a bunch of these things where he was tweeting at her directly and he goes the problem is the problem is i mean she's not perfect she was another one that was like santa Santa Claus is white remember that Hey, bitch, sorry all due respect Santa Claus isn't real. Yeah He could be a rabbit Let's switch places with the Easter Bunny Easter Bunny's now an old man who shows up with a come on Is he just trying to get her like I don't want her on my debates anymore Well, there was a black because you could say like you're involved in the in the story now

Like if I had a judge who knew me yeah, you know'd be like uh you have to recuse this judge because i had sex with his daughter yeah but either way it's weak it's not it's not the way to do like he's trying to do is shame her and attack her yeah and she's not responding in turn she's reporting on shit that's happening and she's not being flattering about him but she's not attacking him the way he's attacking her and that looks real bad man especially when it's a woman and you're going after her and she's smart look whether or not you agree with her whether or not you agree with her politics there's no denying that she's very intelligent very articulate so when she's talking and she's giving these speeches even if you think that this white santa claus thing is

nonsense and why why are you correcting America on what color Santa Claus is? When she's asking questions and she's got these criticisms, if you feel the criticisms aren't valid, you have to be able to establish that you can communicate really well with someone who doesn't think you're criticism that with someone who doesn't think that you're doing a good job or someone is criticizing you you have to establish if you're running for president you have to establish that you're the type of person who's reasonable well he's not going to he's he's already said he's like if you cross me i will cross you back yeah i will shut you down that's great if you're the fucking host of celebrity apprentice right right right but once you become a president i think you need a free media you can't have people worried about criticizing you yes they do in turkey yeah you can't have people worried about criticizing you when it comes to something as critical as being a calm cool collected person who's running for president like that is the that is one of the

most important points of that job is that you have to be able to appreciate the fact that there's going to be at least half the country that fucking is mad that you're in office yeah yeah yeah right sometimes more i mean it gets insane so well wait didn't you be santa claus didn't she mean that just saint nicholas was white it's not he's not real either was he saint nicholas is that real but she was just talking about a black santa i forget there was some story where people said well why can't we have a black Santa or something? I don't remember what it was. But she was like, first of all, Santa's white.

Let's see if we could pull up the video where she says Santa's white. Because she's so hot. It's like, it's kind of hot when she says it. Even though it's kind of ignorant. Santa Claus should not be a white man anymore. And when I saw this headline, I kind of laughed. And I said, oh, this is so ridiculous. Yet another person claiming it's racist to have a white Santa, you know?

And by the way, for all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. But this person is just arguing that maybe we should also have a black Santa. But, you know, Santa is what he is. And just so you know, we're just debating this. Okay, hit the brakes. Okay, I wanted to get that straight. But Jedediah. She's fucking talking to little kids out there.

She's like, she's in on the lie to little kids. That's what she's doing. By the way, kids, if you're listening out there, Santa's real and he's white. What other fucking news program would pause in the middle of a controversial story to let all the kids listen at home, though, the Santa Claus is white. Just picturing these kids with fucking Wonder Bread sandwiches half hanging out of their mouth, processing meat.

Their mouth is wide open. Huh? I knew it! For all you kids out there, and they pause, the fucking food crumbs falling onto the shag carpet that hasn't been vacuumed in a month. Smells like cat piss.

Santa Claus is away. I got a piss. Go ahead, fellow. I pissed like eight times and you pissed once yesterday. I got a strong bladder, son. It's been established. So my point, young Jamie, while the R has left us, he doesn't care about politics. Obviously. My point, young Jamie, while the R has left us, he doesn't care about politics.

She says ridiculous shit, but he makes it out that, I don't know, man. I think when someone's criticizing you and you're running for president, what you should be able to do is show that that criticism is ridiculous. What he does is he decides he's going to go after those reporters. But maybe he thinks that those reporters have a bully pulpit, you know, that they abuse it. Because there's some of them that do cross over into a line of editorial commentary in a really kind of twisted way. But I didn't hear that she did that. I think what she did is have, like, valid criticisms.

You just said that. What's stopping any of these candidates from having their own podcast daily, weekly? Nothing, right? It's a good question. It's a good question. They could be saying, they could interview whoever they want. Bernie could offer to have Hillary

on his podcast to talk for months and she could just deny it and people would say, why don't you go talk to him on his podcast? With just the two of them in a room. No moderator. Just the two of them in a room. Bernie and Hillary. Make them have a four hourhour conversation.

And just film it? Yeah. Yeah, I just said, like, why doesn't any candidate just start their own podcast now? Why isn't what? Why don't they just start their own podcast now and just get out and put it out throughout their platform? Like, Bernie could talk for an hour every week. It would have to be video, too. It would have to be video.

You'd have to see their faces. Because when someone gets called out on some shit. It's like they don't talk about it. And then, like, the three minutes passes and they go, okay, next. You're like, wait, wait, wait. We're not done with this answer yet. Why is this system set up like that? It's ridiculous.

It's a ridiculous way to get to know those people. Ridiculous way to get to know them. But it's also like that one subject is so critical and it was just glossed over. She barely responded. To what? The whole campaign thing. Oh, they tell her. Or the old.

Just don't respond to it. Don't talk about to it the banker thing well i mean whether they tell her or not whether she chooses to or not the fact is everybody was cool with it they just let it slide like that should be you should be like stop we're not moving on stop the clock we're not moving on until you answer the question she talks about how she like she was talking tough to those bankers. I told them to stop what they're doing. Sure, show us that. Sure, show us that. I told them to cut it out.

Cut it out. All right, Mom. That's like what your mom says. You better not drink tonight. Cut it out, Ari. Young man. All right, Mom. I told them to cut it out,

and she took 250 grand from them. Oh, they don't have enough money. Cut it out. But also waste 250 grand on a fucking speech. Siri, Google search how to make a bomb. Hey, Siri. That's so ridiculous. Hey, Siri.

Oh, shit. Hey, Siri. So ridiculous that you can get paid that much. But it's not like she's Pink Floyd. If you got a fucking, if you got a birthday party And you ought to hire Pink Floyd To play for your corporate event You got to pay a quarter million bucks And it's going to be an awesome show

You know they bring lasers Who did you see at a small show once Did you see the guy who just died at a small show in Vegas once Which guy that just died STP Oh yeah Stone Temple Pilots I've talked about it a few times That was Dana White's birthday

They hired the Stone Temple Pilots for Dana White's 40th birthday. Damn, cool. I was like, damn. That's like long cash. That's long cash. You could do that? He was awesome. Ricky Schroeder hiring Menudo.

He was going nutty backstage. Like backstage, he was. Who was? Scott. What is his name? Weiland? Yeah, Scott Weiland. What do you mean nutty?

Nutty, like crazy demands. We don't start in five minutes we're fucking out of here like he's he was a high-strung dude he wasn't an easy guy but when he went on that fucking stage you understood you understood like maybe you have to be that crazy to be that goddamn good because when when they when they started that show and when he went through that set yeah there's a few hundred people in the room and he did it like there's 50 000 people at a stadium that are freaking the fuck out he went he smashed it hell yes smashed it hell yes it was amazing i like that when an artist is just fucking yeah i'm giving my all i wanted to run out of there and run back to my hotel room and write right after that yeah you know you see a guy like that and you're like oh my god he's just yeah he just was it was flawless just smashed it like damn running around on stage using that fucking megaphone like the

whole deal that motherfucker went hard they were good dude they were really good i was super impressed i got to interview i got to uh introduce him really yeah it was pretty dope that's neat like i said happy birthday to dana and it brought up stone temple pilots like this is the craziest shit ever and he went he didn't know they were there he didn't even know we were going i didn't know i was going to be there it was all set up the whole party was like a oh he didn't know they were there. He didn't even know we were going. He didn't know I was going to be there. It was all set up. The whole party was like a surprise party. Oh, really? He had no idea it was going to be what it was. And then he's like, oh, that's cool, Joe.

What's going on, man? Oh, what the fuck? Some type of pilots. Yeah, he didn't know. We had to hide it. He paid for it. It's like when your kid buys you a present. Well, Zufa paid for it.

Yeah. The UFC paid for it. Yeah. You know? But either way, it was awesome. Daddy, I bought this for you. I bought it for myself through you. You were the errand, young daughter.

Yeah. You bought me something? That's so sweet. That's so sweet. That guy was a bad motherfucker, but super troubled with the drugs. Super troubled with the drugs. I mean, it goes back to your theory. You don't really get to that level.

Same thing. You don't get a fucking coke head stripper who's going to be a good mom. You don't really get to that level with when it's all same thing you don't get a fucking you know coke coke head stripper who's gonna be a good mom you don't get somebody who's that good an artist i mean a musician without some some running with it yep that's the weird thing about the new guy who took over for uh black hole son who's that chris cornell chris cornell who's that guy who took over that That black dude? Who's the new guy? Not Chris Cornell. Darius Rucker? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I'm thinking the wrong guy.

What are you talking about? Down in a Hole. Down in a Hole. Who's singing that song? Alice in Chains? Alice in Chains. Black dude took over. Oh, really?

Yeah, because the other guy died. Right. And it sounds exactly like him. Oh, you can't do that. Well, that was the point. It was like, let's have him sing the songs in the same way. And it's all fine. But this guy's like... but that's race mixing that's this guy but this guy's full of life and hope and

interesting oh but then when he sings that song down in the hole you're like oh man you do pilates i don't believe this from you you can sell me all the rest of the songs, but I don't believe this from you. You know? Like, from that guy, yeah, I believe it. Not from that new dude. That's interesting. You're happy to have the job.

You ain't gonna fuck this up. She's probably got an Asian girlfriend. Probably got an Asian girlfriend. She's probably real hot. He sounds exactly like him. She's probably one of the Asian girlfriends with those mo haircuts

where it's like right above her eyebrows. Straight across. Cut straight and then long. Mo hair haircuts didn't bobby slate never joke like that the chinese people say how do they get their haircut kind of like mo it was a 1980s joke i think it was bobby slate pretty sure but like that long silky black hair yeah he's got a girlfriend like that you know yeah right down to their ass They show up. They're always in high heels like a hipster accessory black Asian girl like an assassin Yeah, like a hot assassin in some kung fu movie. She's protecting you she knows moves stupid hot with like a corset on Why does your assassin wear a miniskirt?

Can't be the best for mobility yeah, and she just has a slight Asian accent. Just slight. Yeah. It's pretty English, but you can hear a twinge of it. And she likes chicks. I like chicks. My master's watching. She brings chicks over. He comes back to his dressing room. There's three other chicks in there.

Baby, we want to have a potty. Come on, baby. That's what we're going to talk about, how these artists are taking stuff off pandora oh that's what we started talking about spotify spotify yeah yeah i think black keys took this stuff down or like you can only have our old stuff nothing new because they're like you're not really paying us well enough you're only giving us access to new people so for a young comedian people discover me from from pandora and spotify for sure you know but um for someone who's got, brings them money,

then it's like at this point, like you gotta, you should pay these people. And really pay everybody a fair amount. It's a great service. Having something like Pandora or Spotify is great. It's awesome. Just to be able to.

You don't have to illegally download anymore. You just pretty much get, but that's only on the idea that everything's going to be available. Right. Well, here's the problem. Is anybody making money off of it? Off Spotify?

Yeah. You mean, is Spotify making money? Yeah. Ten bucks a month subscriptions. Okay. So. And they do pay some, and they have to pay every artist in the world. But they don't pay that much.

They don't pay very much. No. See, it's different. Like, streaming rights, it's different. It's not the same as sales it's weird so like you can have a company that streams stuff and like the the rates that you get paid there was a story about like the most played song on spotify and how much it actually generated how much would you guess?

The most played song? I would think like a Taylor Swift kind of thing. Yeah, something like that. What I guess would be fair if it's that played on that kind of... I mean, you'd want to make like a million bucks off that. Right. Something along those lines. Yeah. Or a few hundred thousand for a song.

500. I mean, you would assume... Five cents a pop. That's a really valuable thing if you're playing it millions of times. I don't know would assume. Five cents a pop. That's a really valuable thing if you're playing it millions of times. I don't know how many times you're playing it. The guy from Camper Van Beethoven said that. His stuff has been played way more on that

than purchases. But then he's like, but you know, they'll come see my shows now. Right. Cracker and Camper Van Beethoven. There's definitely some benefit to it as far as exposure.

Right, it's not all negative, for sure not. But does Taylor Swift need that exposure? Right. That's a good question. Probably not. does taylor swift need that exposure right it's a good question probably not this is what the ucb did they're like right we're not going to pay you because you should be honored they say well we're just barely getting by and then they open up two new locations after that yeah those as soon as i found out those guys don't pay anybody i'm like you can suck it i get your fucking improv troops not paying but these are comedians and they go you should be lucky to perform at the ucb it's like a showcase i'm like like, okay, maybe.

Let's just say that's true. Let's say me as an eight-year comic, when I was an eight-year comic, I can get seen there. Sure. But aren't you at the UCB lucky to have Silverman, Sarah Silverman show up and Zach Galifianakis show up? It's not just a straight, we're all lucky to be on Spotify. Right, exactly. You know what I mean? They also need the Black Keys to be able to stay relevant.

If all the top musicians, Beyonce and the black keys and Arcade Fire, they all go, we're all pulling out. I like how you threw Beyonce in there. Sure. You know,

keep it diverse. For your seven black listeners, Rogan. I got eight now. Oh, nice. Way to go. He goes, yeah, then they're less

a place to go for all music right no i totally agree so like just pay fairly well we have to find out how much money are they making what is like what is the the most played the uh the most played song ever they just had one that went over 500 million song 500 million streams what would that be what would 500 million times five cents be i don't think you get that much that's not how it works out though because uh just try to figure out the math in your head a little bit. Say there's $10 a month.

You have to have a payment to take care of the service itself. So they say that 30% fee goes to Spotify. So there's a roughly 70% less of $7 left out of that $10. So it's a different math. If you play a song, one song, or if I listen to only Ari Shaffir 10 times a day, 30 days a month, you would technically get all of my $7. Technically. But it doesn't necessarily work out that way.

Because if I played one Joe Rogan song, he's going to get a little piece of that too. But not everyone just listens to one person. You listen to 25 songs a day or in one hour even. Right. And a lot of times people just let it play and they leave. Some people have set some things up like that where they've tried to game the system, where they've tried to play someone's song, a new artist, multiple times to try to get them some money.

Oh, really? It doesn't necessarily work out totally well for them that way either. But there's just not a lot of money in it in general. There's not a lot of sales for music in total. I have a big band. I like the Deftones. They have a new album coming out soon. They just announced a concert in LA.

If you buy a ticket to their show, you get their album for free. Deftones. They've been out for a long time. If you buy a ticket to their show, you get the album for free. That's how Arcade Fire did it. The show was $250.

But I'm going to get the album anyway. I'm going to be able to listen to all those songs on YouTube, on Spotify, Pandora. They've been around forever. They're pretty badass. They have some badass songs. Can you tell me what 500 million times five cents is? No, but it's not. I can't fucking figure this out on my flip phone calculator.

It's definitely not how it works, though. What are you saying? I just want to know what it would be on radio plays. I'll plug it up. I'm not mad at you. So what is the most downloaded song well that was that was a ed sheeran song like thinking out loud i think is what's called 500 million and the article compared it to a youtube but they have over 10 songs that have over a billion plays on how much

would those pay on youtube gets money because there's ads next ads so they're getting money from the ads not from people using the service not from a subscriber and they've started youtube red to try to compete with that kind of thing, too. Right. Which is like $9.99 a month stream service thing like that, too. Huh. It's interesting. So there's really probably not that much money that's even left over for the artists out

of that $7. That's kind of their argument. And people are just... That's a good argument. There's not a lot of money around in general for it all. Right. But don't they have like... what is it called, an IPO? You sell it, initial public offering.

Do they do stuff like that with these kind of companies and they sell them and then tech sector gobbles them up in the stock market? 250 grand, Ari, by the way. 250 grand? Yeah. Okay, thank you. Yeah, there's multiple ways. That's why I was trying to say there's deals you can have.

So like Spotify or Apple Music could pay Drake for his new album to come out exclusively on apple music okay and that's the best that's the only way you can get it that's what kanye is sort of trying to write exclusive exclusively exclusivity so it's like we have it no one else has it right right and then you're like well if i want this is the only way i can get this new thing i gotta get amazon prime or i gotta get apple play or i gotta get this this. I don't like that because everyone has their own gaming system. It sucks when it only comes out only on Xbox. It's like, come on, man. We're not gonna fucking buy a PlayStation.

We already have an Xbox. Some people that use Android phones, like my friend Louis from Unbox Therapy, he was telling me that he avoids using iTunes. We were having this conversation. I was asking him about phones today because there was a thread on my message board where people getting mad at Brian for talking shit about the Samsung Galaxy S7 and that he was going to switch over to it. But I know he switches over to

different phones like every couple of months and write stories about this guy, Lewis. Unbox Therapy is a website where he's got a YouTube channel and a website. But what he does is he reviews tech stuff. He takes it out of the box and tries it, and he talks about it, and he knows a lot of shit about technology. Oh, that's cool. So when he describes these things, he's describing it from a very educated point of view. And then he takes that phone, and he's like, okay, I'm going to use this as my main phone for like a month or something like that. See what real, not just like a day, but like really say like, oh, fuck, I didn't realize this problem. Yeah, tell you what's annoying, what's not.

And he said he doesn't, even though he uses like Mac computers, he doesn't use iTunes because iTunes is specific to one platform and that's annoying. What do you mean specific to one platform? Well, you can't get iTunes. If you want to use, you want to watch movies and shit like that, I don't think you can necessarily do that on an Android phone. Oh, yeah. A lot of people, when I tweet my podcast, R.E. Schaffer, Skeptic Tank, they go, don't give me the iTunes link. I can't use that. I want R.E. Shafir Skeptic Tank, they go, don't give me the iTunes link. I can't use that. I want Android.

Yeah. It's like 55% of downloaders use iTunes, but 45% don't. That's a lot. Yeah. Yeah. iTunes is- It's the most important one,

but it doesn't mean it's the only one. It's not. Yeah. But it's easy to use other apps. They take 30% of your income too. So if you sell an album for 10 bucks, iTunes gets $3 of that. Right, but that's not relevant in podcasting.

No, not in podcasting. Yeah. But in music and sales and stuff. Right. In record sales, it's a big deal. Yeah. That's a big deal. But they do provide that same sort of service.

It seems like if they take 30%, it's probably similar to how Spotify is talking about. I mean, they're providing a distribution platform. Yeah, iTunes never goes down. Yeah. They're keeping it up. And it's a secure, distribution platform. iTunes never goes down. Yeah. They're keeping it up. And it's a secure, stable platform. Like the application that comes with your iPhone, you're not going to get any better than that.

I've had podcast apps that I did. Also, Spotify is free for most people. Right. You just have to listen to an ad, so then they get ad revenue. Okay. Sorry, go ahead. They get ad revenue, and then you could also subscribe, if you like. Yeah, they get rid of the ads.

And they get rid of the ads. And they'd get rid of the ads. And now we can still make money off you. We don't have to get the ads every 10 minutes. So Apple does that now, too. They have a streaming music site service. So what Lewis is saying is he uses Amazon Prime and Google Play because they're not platform specific. Yeah, Yousef tweeted a link to a new song, Grimes or something.

And he was like, but he put the apple play one you click on it you're like but now i have to pay for apple play to play it and it's like that's a sign up for a thing yeah it's annoying like when you go to a website to read an article and they say they need your um email address first all right now i'm out i'm out but you fuck you david taylor's theory is that that's why anyone still has Hotmail. It's for your, like, sure, here's my email address. Go ahead and use that one. Yeah. It's just a spam filter.

Yeah. Well, just for, like, a website that you don't give a fuck about. Yeah. An email address that you just, a burner email address. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't think the future is in, um, getting people to pay for shit.

I think it's super hard to get people to pay for shit. Well, it's the online. I talked to Aubrey about this a long time ago. And if you're a store, you know, and you're buying two shirts, right.

You know, and then you're in line right there. Like you were at Starbucks yesterday and you see this, uh, these, the pad chargers, like how much is it? Like 10 bucks.

Like, Oh, maybe I'll get one. Right. You already got your wallet open and that was actually more than we were spending on coffee. Right. But I didn't buy it. You didn't buy it

but it wouldn't be the biggest deal if you did. Maybe it's a bad example. Right. But if they're like hey would you also like this some socks? Yeah sure I'll get some socks too.

But to open up your e-wallet is like a way bigger deal. Even a 99 cent app a lot of people go like well let me read the reviews. You know, let me look if this is a good app. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's strange though.

Yeah, for $1, you're way less likely to spend it online than 10 bucks in a store. It's just hard to get people to actually open up that e-wallet. And same thing with email addresses. It's like, I don't want to sign up for this stuff, man.

Well, a lot of times you don't have an e-wallet either. A lot of times you're just entering in all the individual credit card information every time. No, that's what I mean. That's what I mean. Like, to open up your, to pay anything online. But, you know, Apple has an e-wallet.

Oh, really? They have a wallet feature. Yeah. Wallet, you can actually buy things with your phone. Oh, that stuff now. Yeah. But they came out with that first. It was Android, right? Android Pay was first. first and then apple play was yeah it took over whatever

the fuck android calls it what do they call it i don't know whatever but they've been doing that on some phones for a while i've seen people buy shit and it's annoying as fuck have you seen that because it doesn't work that doesn't when you're at the uh it's okay when you have the have you ever seen that when they do that at starbucks yeah yeah just try to scan it fucking doesn't work it's so annoying yeah just stop it's as annoying when you're in the middle of conversation someone's like can i get a picture and like sure and then they're like hold on hold on hold on hold on let me find her out oh i gotta delete some phone oh it's the worst and then a line forms what are you gonna say jamie disney armband i haven't been to disney a long time but i've heard i've heard some things about this recently. There's some sort of wristband.

You can get a wristband for your kids. You go there and you use it to pay for everything at Disney. It's all transactions. It's getting on your rides. It's your FastPass. It's everything. It's all there. Oh, wow.

It's the technology, and I've heard it's going to bleed into some other places, too. Whoa. You just got to set up a perfect experience for you, too. Well, that's one of the reasons why I'm resisting this Apple Watch thing that Red Band has. It chimes off every hour. He couldn't figure out how to shut it off. When people send him text messages, it would chime,

and he couldn't figure out how to shut it off. Red Band couldn't figure it out? No. That means it's hard to figure it out. It's bad. Yeah. That's not good, right? He's like, how does it shut off?

I'm like, I don't want my fucking, because that's where it's going to go, man, and then that thing is going to be used to buy things. Then someone's going to come stand next to you and steal all your fucking credit card information off your phone. They already know how to do that. There's already a way. Well, it won't work with Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen. You know why?

Because Ari Shaffir has a flip phone. I told that to Burr once. We were having this conversation. He goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the cancer of the dick. I'll tell you that. The new ones don't give you the cancer of the dick. I'll tell you that. The new ones don't give you the cancer of the dick. I don't think he's correct.

I don't know. I think it's probably exactly the same amount of radiation. What were you showing us? That was the Disney Magic Band is what it's called. Oh, okay. So it's like a Fitbit. Is it that kind of a thing? Yeah, but there's a lot of extra things in it.

It's not just a- Unlock the door of your hotel room. Yep. So it's your key for your car. What if you lose it? Yeah, so that's a lot of extra things in it. It's not just... Unlock the door of your hotel room. Yep. So it's your key for your car. What if you lose it? Yeah, so that's... Whoa. I'm sure they've thought about that, though.

It's not like nobody said, well, what if somebody loses it? Right. But they probably don't know what your room is unless you're going to go up and down the fucking hallways. Just trying doors. You have to try every door. Dude, I went in Indianapolis. I went to a room. I went in there, tried the key, opened it up, and there's just some guy staring at me from in the bed.

They gave you the wrong key? Yeah. Oh, my God. Just some Asian dude staring. And I'm like, sorry? Oh, it was weird. Morons. Morons.

That's happened to me before. Yeah? Yeah. So anyway, so they want you to put your podcast on Spotify. Yeah, they have podcasts on there now. And I have resisted. I just don't know if it's... I mean, you're a precedent setter at some point.

Well, I don't know if it's necessarily beneficial. I mean, I guess more people would be able to have access to it. But I don't know. Do they edit it? Do they put ads in it? I don't know about that. They are expanding.

Now, there are some shows you can watch on there, and there's some video aspect coming through there. I like the fact that it's available as a regular MP3, and you can do whatever the fuck you want to do with it. You can watch it while it's live on YouTube. You can watch it later, or you can just download it. And if you want to download it through iTunes, go ahead. If you want to download it through Spotify, that seems like a different thing.

Because that's like a service. That's like a new, it's a company. It's like then you're selling content. You're like a content provider, right? Spotify would become that. And that's what they are. They're content providers, but they don't create. They're not content creators.

They probably will eventually. Like Netflix. Right. Maybe. Netflix is like, well, if anyone could just get all the videos, then we have to do something. Netflix is constantly stepped up. Constantly. I mean, from drop shipping.

Yeah. You know, CD videos, DVD roms or whatever. They're freaks at streaming. Yeah. And then they go, oh, no, we're done with that. Blockbuster, we put you out of business and this isn't working. People are downloading stuff too much. So we'll still do that a little bit, but let's just get all, pretty much entertainment, every documentary, every old sitcom, let's just get it all on our thing so you can come to us.

And then other people start going, well, why can't we just do that? Apple TV made the Apple TV. Apple made the Apple TV. And then FX and people are like, let's pull this stuff back. Let's make it on our own app. You can come to our app to watch it. Yeah. So Netflix sees that and we need a reason for you to come to us.

Let's make House of Cards. Yeah. Let's make these interesting, cool shows with no TV standards they have to abide by. Like F is for Family. Yeah. When you see a hard curse, a hard fuck you by a cartoon, you're like, what? It's like, oh my God. Not only that, they can do whatever nudity they want.

Whatever they want. Any content they want. Whatever they want to talk about. It's up to them with the rating system they want to put on it. If they want to tell you, hey, be careful of this, or they don't want to tell you, it's up to you. Go fuck yourself. Figure it out, kid. They don't have to Megyn Kelly you.

Megyn Kelly. Tell you the Santa Claus. Santa Claus is real, kids. And he's white. and Kelly you. Tell you the Santa Claus. Santa Claus is real kids and he's white. This is 2000

and whatever the fuck it was when this happened. 15. Was that a 15 story? I think. Stop. We can't do this anymore. By the way,

I'll be in Tempe, Arizona this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Smooth operator. I like how you smoothly worked it in. Tempe, Arizona, the home of my first Netflix special. The improv. I recorded how you smoothly worked it in. I'm going to get it in somewhere. Tempe, Arizona, the home of my first Netflix special. The improv.

I recorded that there in 2005. Really? Yeah, man. The one where I talked about how stupid Bush was. That's Blunt. That's a Blunt directed? Yeah. They keep playing that now with this election.

Because I said that I think what happened after he got elected a second time, they were probably sitting in the back of the room going, I think we can go down right now. Oh, yeah, I remember that bit. Yeah. I remember that bit. And then boom. You do a really good job of, like, I've told you this before, but using your voice, the way you did that in that bit was like,

it was like four years passed and they all look and they go, we can go down there. It's like that quiet thing, a pause mixed by quiet instead of just talking. Like inflection, up and down inflection. You're just really good at it. Well, thank you. I just put myself in the position of that actually happening. That's what I try to think.

Like what would it be like if there really was this cabal of evil billionaires that's trying to control the mindset and program the entire country. And they wanted to put a dumb person in office so they could figure out how dumb people were. Like that was the premise of the joke. There's only one way to figure out how stupid people are. You can watch the news, you can see what movies they buy, but the only real way is to put a dumb person in as president and see if

everybody freaks out. Yeah. Cause if they don't freak out, it's because they're dumber than him. They don't even know he's dumb. Right. Like that's a weird thing about being really fucking stupid you don't know yeah so the only way but the premise of the bit was the only way we could really

find out how stupid America was was to put a really dumb guy in as president and they there's many many really articulate whip smart Republican candidates that could easily make a great leader like why would they do that they can't find out stupid we are if we do that. That would be a backup plan. Let's see if we can get the dummy in first. And then after he won the second term, that's when the bit was like, I think we can go dumber. So now they're using that to illustrate Donald Trump or something? Yeah.

Man, they've made too many comparisons to presidential candidates to Hitler that it's like, guys, you can't keep doing it. You said Bush was Hitler. You know what that's like? Enough. It's like the hack comedy't you can't keep doing it you said bush was hitler you know what that's like look enough it's like the hack comedy premise from hell from hell yeah she's like the stripper from hell yeah and at some point he's like well hell doesn't seem that bad to be honest you're overusing this but it was a a really easy way to get away with like saying something's bad like for a long time like in the 80s in particular, it was a knockout punch every time.

It's going to work every time. Yeah. There's something from hell. I can't even believe he's saying hell. People back there. Whoa. Slow down. Boundary pushing.

On steroids. On steroids. Yeah, on steroids is another one. On crack. On crack is another one. Yep, yep, yep. They're like, let's say the same thing, but say it slightly different

so it seems like we're original. Right, exactly. Yeah. It's still on in one word. Well, I mean, if it's just a very minor part of what you're trying to describe, I guess it's fine to use it as a non-creative narrative. Yeah. Or non-creative descriptive. But when you're doing it a lot.

Yeah. I think. It's too much. Overuse. Yeah. I wonder how much this is going to change everything. What? The way Donald Trump is running for president. Well, here's what I saw from it. So before, I mean, I'm assuming in the Lincoln times, you know, they were just, the candidates

would just say their opinions, what they thought, and that's what the newspaper would print, and that'd be the end of it. They would go out and talk for hours, too. Yeah, sure. Stomp and do whatever. No microphones. No microphones. Wow.

Oh, yeah, no microphones. Just get up there and talk. Hopefully the acoustics aren't terrible. But mostly it's probably outside. People farting. Yeah, take a train to the next state, try to convince them. By the time your speech is done, half the are dead they just died and then it became a thing where like bill clinton went on arsenio hall and he played uh trumpet trumpet saxophone saxophone that's what it was

and his ratings went up like 10 points yeah overnight and we're like wait a minute this has nothing to do with the issues and so there was this mixture of showmanship and issues. And I think Trump's theory, his thesis is, guys, I don't think your platform matters as much as the showmanship. I think it's only showmanship. Well, also, it's who else is running. Sure. And what do they have to offer? Have you seen those videos Ted Cruz made?

Yes. The commercials? Yeah. When they show the outtakes. All the people hugging and stuff. And the best is the wife, his mom going like, she prays for me. And she's like, mm-hmm. And he goes, sometimes, you know, hours a day.

And she's like, oh. Like the look of like, I don't know about that. Sometimes hours. And she goes, where are you going with this? A day. And she goes, no. Cut, cut. Mom, mom, stick to the script.

Okay? You're super pious and I'm not gay. All right? And go. The whole thing is so crazy. It's like. I think Bernie's the only one talking about shit that actually American people day to day have to deal with. He's definitely talking more about social issues.

Yeah. I would like to talk to someone. Socialism, like it's a bad word, but it's just social issues. Well, yeah, but socialism isn't just social issues. Socialism implies some sort of a community pot of money that we're going to distribute to people. We do that.

We redistribute. We do that now. And we use 80% of it for defense. Yeah. Which is just offense. Well, that. The redistribution of wealth. And we use 80% of it for defense. Yeah. Oh, well, definitely. Which is just offense. Well, that's the problem that people find with this. The big problem that I've heard from people that actually understand it, not folks like you and me.

But people that actually understand it, they're like, the problem is it just makes government bigger. Because what he's doing is proposing that we get more taxes from people. And somehow or another, it's going to create more programs. And those more programs are going to trickle down to the people. But the problem is. Here's what I don But the problem is you take more taxes from people. You're just giving it to the government, and then they have to be competent all of a sudden. They've never been competent before.

Somebody on my message board brought this up, like the Department of Fish and Game that I always praise them for the conservation efforts they've done. They've got all wildlife biologists running it. These are like actual scientists. Not bureaucracy. Yeah, they hired some really smart people who care about the environment to run these fish and wildlife departments. But see, people say that would never work.

Okay, fine, maybe. But here's the reality. What we have now is not working. People are getting poorer and poorer. See, wildlife biologists are very different than economists. So when you get a wildlife biologist that's trying to manage the buffalo population and they try to figure out, hey, we've got wolves and Yellowstone that are killing the buffalo. We've got to figure out how to do it. And they try to find workarounds. They do all sorts of different things to try

to maintain healthy populations. There's no profit in that. There's no profit. Yeah. See, now, the problem with anything economic is there's all sorts of motivating factors that lead up to rules that get passed that allow these people that become president or become whatever the fuck they're doing, where they're making deals with people like the bankers that are paying Hillary Clinton $250,000. They get them into these positions, and then they can profit insanely. They get these positions and these guys go from- This guy works.

It's a great documentary called Inside Job. And it's all about the Wall Street collapse. And this guy who's like this very educated financial guy is interviewing these people and picking them apart as he's interviewing them. And you see they start to panic and they start to freak out. And some of them go, you know, I'm going to leave one more question and then I'm going to leave. In the beginning of the interview, they're all smiles and happy. And these are economists. And he finds out that these guys who are economy professors went on to get jobs with these banks.

So they set these rules like, well, we've just checked with the, you know, blah, blah, blah, university economics department, and they recommend this, that, and that. And they're doing that so they can get these payments. And so they move into cushy jobs where they get paid millions of dollars once they leave these government positions or these teaching positions. Very, very fascinating stuff because it shows there's motivation. And as soon as there's motivation for profit, everything gets squirrely. So Clinton can say all day.

Hey, we'd love you to prove this. And here's some cash. I for profit, everything gets squirrely. So Clinton can say all day. Hey, we'd love you to prove this. And here's some cash. I'm like, well, I'll try to. Clinton can say all day that they don't influence her. Well, they don't take a quarter million dollars to talk. That's ridiculous. That's not human nature. Yeah, you can't take that much money to talk. I don't know. I do know. Neither one of us really understand it, but I don't see

Bernie as a guy who's like, let's just get more money. I'm sure it'll work out. That's not a bad impression. It's not bad. It's really bad impression. It's not bad. It's what they're trying to. It's not bad. I would like Mrs. Clinton to tell us. Where are those transcripts? But I think they have that thought out.

Well, it's tricky, man. When you have a lot of money like that, hundreds of thousands of dollars that someone's paying you, so you talk for an hour. That is absurd. That's absurd. It doesn't't make any sense and they have transcripts of it i guess they won't show up she won't she won't release them the whole thing is very bizarre she hides shit right that's her normal thing she hides like email she was like oh i didn't know i wasn't allowed to use regular emails for this stuff and oh you guys aren't allowed to to foi that well here's one of the things that Mike Baker was talking to me about.

And he's a former CIA operative. He's been on the show before. He runs a security company now. And he said, if that was me, what she did, he goes, I would be in jail. If I did what she did. Using private emails? Using a private email address and sending top secret information through that email address. He goes, I'd be in jail.

He's like, she had an email server in her bathroom not only that but the guy who set up that email server just got immunity from federal prosecution wow so she's already in this protected group of people that were like we can pretty much do whatever we want it's squirrels ville man the whole thing's squirrely like they, they're not even charged. She's in the middle running for president. She's at the lead of the Democratic nomination, and she's involved in two criminal investigations. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And they're just like, let's just not talk about that. Well, it's like, this is all they have.

And when this is all they have, I mean, there's no one else. Who the fuck else is there? There's Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, period. That's it. Yeah. That's it on the democratic side we haven't heard a peep of anybody else since right who else everybody's gone they're all that's just the last two yeah that's just them so it's it's one of those things where everybody's

shutting the fuck up because they think they have to this is the last gasps of a dying system this is the last gasps of a ridiculous dying system that is set up because- The system is fighting back. The system is fighting back to survive. The system was set up back when people wrote with feathers. When we had Congress

because I couldn't afford to travel from Nashville all the way up to Washington to hear my stuff. So we have our Congress goes for us. They speak for us. But now we have email and phones. We don't need to go there for us.

Why do you have a job? It needs to be restructured. Restructured. New constitution. Yeah. Well, it needs to be restructured to represent the technology and the access to people that's available today. Because government should be, people should have to have some level of education to understand the parameters of what they're talking about, what they're voting on.

Yeah. We don't understand. We're not even getting the information. Dude, there's so much waste. Our government has got a virus and it's not being cured. I talked to these guys who were defense contractors, worked for defense contractors in like Iraq and Afghanistan. And one of them had been in the military before.

They both been in the military. When they need a new printer cartridge, they don't order printer cartridges. They order a new printer, take out the printer cartridge, and shred the new printer. What? Yeah. And there's no repercussions for that because no one has to be like- Why do they do that? It's easier to order it that way.

What? Yeah. There's no reason for it, man. It's all fucking wasteful. Were these guys high as fuck when they're telling you this no they weren't like dude he's gonna go on a podcast he's gonna talk about this i'm too high to remember the specific details but that's one of them and it's like dude we're just it's just bureaucracy it's just corrupted and the government's in it now

it's like i don't know obama he just won't talk about he's done some great shit but he just won't talk about the drone strikes about wedding parties in in Yemen where we're not even at war with, just killing random people. And our official quote is like, let's just not talk about it. But gay marriage is legalized. And that's, yeah, man, that's great. You can't just murder people. More people have died under drone strikes under him than Bush. Way more.

Well, there's more drones now. They're way better, too. They're still killing innocents. And we're just not talking about it. Yeah. I mean, they can arrest people now and never try them. Well, they've also— The NSA has more power than they've ever had, because Feinstein just restructured it.

They also used to shoot at metadata. I don't know if they still do that, but they used to shoot where a phone is. Oh, really? So if you're a real bad guy and you're hanging out in an apartment building your phone happens to be there everybody's shooting at oh shooting missiles at that phone hoping somebody else has the phone then it's like well so it's acceptable to play with the phone in the bedroom oh we took that bedroom out now if that was americans we wouldn't do that because we value american lives or innocent lives over innocent um yemeni lives it well it's just way more convenient when they don't look like us they don't talk like us and they dress weird it's way more convenient to light them up with rockets this is why uh the

british were smart when they colonized uh africa um they put uh east indian people indians from from india they put them in charge so the africans hated the oppressors hated people who you know dominated and conquered them no one likes people no likes being conquered. It's just not a thing people enjoy. I know a couple girls who are into that. And so their face of who they hated were these Indians who also had been conquered and moved over there. So there's really no terrorism on

British soil from the African militants because they don't hate that white face. Well, if we went to war with, say, Russia today, they look just like us. Just like us. It'd be harder. Yeah.

Luckily, they wear coats. Maybe we'd find out that the government's photoshopping their faces and stretching them out. To make them look weird. Make them look more like- Look at those oval heads. Yeah. What is that?

Look at those oval heads. Yeah, what is that? Ruslan Provodnikov is one of the top boxers. I think he's 154, 147, 147. 147, come on, man. Provodnikov, he's an animal. He's an animal. Oh, yeah, they call him the Siberian something or Siberian Express. He's got oval head?

Yeah, am I saying his first name wrong? Yeah. He takes unbelievable amounts of punishment. This is what he looks like. But look at him. See? He looks just foreign enough. You know what that is?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got some Asian in him. He's that part of Russia. I think he's got Mongolian in him. Mongol, yeah. That's probably why he's such a fucking warrior. He's probably descendant of Genghis Khan or some shit. Yeah, he didn't look Russian.

Well, the Mongols conquered Russia for like 200 years. Really? Yeah. The Mongols came in in the winter in Russia and unexpectedly fucking took over. He looks like Toby, the front bartender. A little bit. Yeah. That's funny.

That's funny. That guy's an animal, man. He's a fucking animal. Woo! Yeah, he's fun to watch. He's super aggressive. So let's talk about this rematch. Which one?

Nate Diaz and Conor McGregor? Where are they fighting at? 55? I do not know. I don't think that's been solidified. I believe that Conor has asked for it to take place at 70, which is where he was. So he can say, like, I can do this. Exactly the same weight, and then it won't be a factor.

But also, I think he was really healthy at 170, and I think he liked that. Conor. I think he felt great leading up to the camp and leading up to the fight. He just had a bad game plan, and his ground game kind of got exposed. Two weight classes above where he won a title? It's not two weight classes. It's not true. First of all, they both weighed in almost exactly the same weight. No, two weight classes above where he won a title weight classes it's not true first of all they both weighed in almost exactly the same no two weight classes above where he won his title

yes but not really all it is is they're not cutting weight it's too but he's not fighting right but he's not fighting like damian maya who used to fight at 205 or 185 and he's cutting down i mean at least it's not title shots at least not title shots where it's like you don't deserve a title shot on two weight classes above you. It's just a Nate Diaz fight. Well, this isn't a title shot, obviously. I'm saying at least it's not. Well, you know the whole story behind it.

There was a fallout. Rafael Dos Anjos, who's the lightweight champion, was supposed to be fighting Conor McGregor. He breaks his foot 11 days before the fight. Nate Diaz takes the fight on a drop of a hat with no training whatsoever. Yeah. I mean, fucking none.

He hadn't done anything. He was at the store. Yeah, he was hanging. Hanging out. And Nate posted pictures afterwards of him drinking tequila and hanging out in Mexico eating tacos and shit. So he was just having a party. Two on nine, bitch.

He's just living his life, right? But he's in such good shape that he can get away with that because he does so much triathlon training. He's constantly biking and swimming and running. He's entered into a bunch of triathlons he's in very good shape and so he was able to pull it off because his cardio base was so good and just he's a fucking damn good fighter he's a damn good fighter and he's fighting too and he's fought legitimately at 170 twice he lost he lost a stun gun kim and he also lost to Rory McDonald at 170

These are legitimate 170s and Rory being one of the best one said yes Yeah, okay, he got ragdolled a little bit by Rory But you know that was a wake-up call for him He went back to 155 and at 155 in his last fight against Michael Johnson He put on probably the best performance up to the Conor McGregor fight the best performance of his career He was fighting because when I view Nate Dia Diaz, I think of him as a 55er. That's what he usually competes at. But for this fight, he didn't want to have to cut weight.

It's only 11 days out. He's a little heavy. So he says, look, let's make it at 170. They both agree. Nate weighed 169. Conor weighed 168, or maybe vice versa. I think that's it, though. So, I mean, they're basically the same size.

What would they fight at? Well, they fought at 170. What do you mean? I mean, when Nate said, I'll fight at 170, though. So, I mean, they're basically the same size. What would they fight at? Well, they fought at 170. What do you mean? I mean, when Nate said, I'll fight at 170, where was he walking at? Probably a little heavier than that. He probably dieted and worked out real hard for seven or eight days of the 11. And Conor cut? No, Conor didn't have to cut anything.

I mean, if he cut anything, it's probably a couple pounds, which is not something you just don't eat. 10 pounds difference, let's say. Not a big deal. That happens at 170. But there's not even 10 pounds difference they're the same weight like when they got into the octagon i guarantee you they're within a pound or two of each other in the octagon okay okay but nate is longer and taller and he's a very good boxer like nate spars on a regular basis with andre ward who's one of the best pound for pound if not the best pound for pound boxer in the world,

now that Floyd Mayweather's quote-unquote retired. Andre Ward is a motherfucker. And he just fought this Saturday night on HBO, and I just watched it the other day on DVR. It's fucking amazing. He's so good, dude. He's just nasty. And now he's fighting at 175.

He's going to fight Sergey Kovalev, who's like the best 175er in the world. So he fought with him. So Nate spars with that guy on a regular basis. They're friends. And Nate also spars his brother Nick, who's one of the best strikers in the UFC. Definitely one of the best boxers. He's a very good boxer.

And he also spars with Joe Schilling all the time, who is glory world champion, kickboxing world champion. He's a motherfucker man so nate is sparring with like high level world class strikers like legitimate andre ward joe schilling two world champions in two respective disciplines so he's he's a bad motherfucker i just think that people he see him swearing and sticking up his double fingers and they don't realize all that put all that shit aside and observe his movements yeah observe his movements in a fight like in the michael johnson fight in the uh the gomi fight in the marcus davis fight in the gray maynard fight observe his movements he's a motherfucker dude yeah when he tees off on you he comes at you like a snake he's got long

ass on that's a serone fight it was the most connections of all time? Where it was like 80% of his strikes hit? In the first round, he lit Donald up. Yeah, it was like, what the fuck? Nothing missed. He lit Donald up. He fucked Donald up in that first round. That was four or five years ago, right?

Yeah, Donald started coming back with leg kicks. The only guy who's ever really successfully put him away in the UFC was Josh Thompson. Josh Thompson is one of the most underrated guys. Josh Thompson, when he was at his best, left to go over to Strikeforce, and a lot of people missed out on some of the fucking wars that he had over there. The Gilbert Melendez fights over there,

and he went through a lot of wear and tear on you. But skill for skill, Josh Thompson is a motherfucker. But now he's like 36. Time just starts to get everybody. But at his best, and I think that his last fight with Nate Diaz, when he head kicked him, he stopped him. It was one of his best performances ever.

And then he had some losses after that. But again, it's hard to stay healthy and get through a camp when you're 36 years old. When those guys get to the late 30s, things start to get... So he has one loss. But the loss, in my opinion, I mean one stoppage loss. But the loss to Thompson is like, he's one of the most underrated guys. So it's like solid loss. Fuck yeah.

It doesn't get looked at as solid as it should be. I think Thompson at his best, he's a motherfucker. Okay, so let's say he's a natural 170er. Let's say he wants to fight that Conor. But he's not. He's a motherfucker. Okay, so let's say he's a natural 170er. Let's say he wants to fight the Conor. He's not. He just wants to fight this fight at 170. To prove his point that he can win it? To prove a point. To fight exactly the way they did it before and to come in and fight.

Is this what happened? If they're going to do that, in the meantime they should let Frankie and Aldo fight for a title. I agree with that. How long are you going to vacate the belt that you haven't defended once? Max Holloway should be in the mix as well. I think they also offered Aldo a shot at McGregor, and he didn't take it. That could be a Brazilian thing, if you know what I mean. What are you saying, steroids?

Yeah. I like how you made the injection, like heroin. They still do that? Can I picture it? I would say it was more like he's just unprepared and out of shape and didn't want to get knocked out again. I mean, the guy just knocked him out with one fucking punch a couple of months ago. I remember a guy. But I mean, he's like, give me that rematch.

Give me that rematch. But he didn't know. See, he didn't know that Conor was going to get worked. When Conor got worked by Nate Diaz, it changed the whole game. He's like, oh, I can beat this guy. Everything changed, man. Everything changed. In everyone's approach to him

When you watch a guy get beat up and strangled like that it does you got a pee again? Yeah, go ahead dude go do it Talking about don't worry about it, man But my point is for the folks listening when you watch a guy get beat up like Connor got beat up against Nate and he shoots For a takedown and then gets taken down Nate gets on top top of him, beats him up, and then chokes him. And he taps real quick. Like Nate just dominated him once it got to the ground. He was already hurt when it got to the ground.

Then everybody goes, hmm, okay, could Rafael Dos Anjos do this? And for a guy like Conor, I think one of the reasons why he wants his fight back is to prove that he fucked up. That he tried to take Nate out with big power bombs, he gassed out, he got tired, and then Nate boxed him up in the second round. Nate started tagging him, had him hurt, had him shoot for a takedown.

So a guy like Conor, you don't get to be that good. You don't get to be that far. You don't get to be that successful. You don't get to knock out Aldo with one punch and beat the fuck out of Poirier in the first round like you called it and beat the shit out of Seaver and stop Chad Mendez when you wanted to bet millions of dollars on it. I mean, he's a legit

100% motherfucker. But, the game does not care about personalities. The game does not care about confidence. The interaction of fists and face and chokes and necks and kicks and bodies,

it does not care about anything other than what works. So, like, when you see a loss, like a Ronda Rousey getting knocked the fuck out by Holly Holm, it does not mean that Ronda Rousey sucks. It does not mean that Holly Holm is the greatest ever. It just means the game doesn't give a fuck who you are.

It doesn't care. You want to charge face first at a counter striker and she clips you with that first punch. You're already at check. You're already at check. You got rocked like the first punch and then you're getting beat up for four and a half minutes after that. And then the second round comes around. You don't even know where the fuck you are.

Your ears are going. You can't see your fucking eyes are blurry that must be so weird terrifying that's what i love about ufc as opposed to boxing nobody goes 29 and 0 no i mean if you go six in a row that's like wow that's why john jones is so spooky yeah nobody's beating john jones john jones has loss, and it's a disqualification against Matt Hamill where he was crushing him on top of him. And it's a dumb rule. It's like 12 to 6 elbows on a clock face.

If you drop an elbow down from 12 to 6, the people that made the rules thought that that somehow or another was dangerous. It's no different than any other kind of elbow. Is it still a rule? Yeah, it's a stupid rule. It's a rule that they put in place because the people that were on the commission This is coming from Big John McCarthy himself The people that were on the commission at the time

They thought that if you dropped a 12-6 elbow like those ESPN karate shows You could break bricks and shit, you could kill somebody So they made it illegal Meanwhile, it's not even 12-6 6 it's like 1 to 7 it's stupid it's stupid i mean it really come back and fight again it's really almost never 12 to 6 it's always a slight angle but either way it's fucking dumb it's a dumb rule it doesn't make any sense yeah um by the way we have nate diaz calling into our sports podcast punch strong sports do you really?

Well, fake Nate Diaz. Oh. Nate Diaz. Fake. They always call in. I'm glad you had a fake one. How good are they? The fake ones?

Yeah. Amazing. Really? The accents are great, and they talk about the 209 so much. They're always talking about they're going pontoon boat shopping. Man, you got to hear them, man. They're great. It's Danish and O'Neill, and they're so fucking good at it.

For a while, they were dating Ronda Rousey, and GSP was all upset about it because he wanted to date Ronda Rousey, and they catfished him and buried him in a refrigerator box in the desert. He got out, and now GSP's addicted to kitty litter. Kitty litter and computer spray. He's got all these addictions. Talking to the aliens all the time. They told me I missed two minutes

of my life. That's hilarious. Is that on YouTube anywhere? No, not YouTube, but punchdrunkesports.com. You gotta get clips. The Daily Motion ones. I think they're all up in Daily Motion. Yeah, we gotta clip that shit and put it on YouTube. Yeah, why don't you have clips?

You just don't? Yeah. I mean, I can't give you a good reason. This is the reason why I think the rematch is huge. Okay. This is why you have to do it. Okay. First of all, because Conor McGregor, up until that fight, is one of the most spectacular fighters ever in the history of this sport.

And people were talking about him. Yeah, just the spectacle. In that sense of spectacular. The guy gets on stage and screams at the weigh-ins and the crowd goes nuts and the Irish flags are everywhere. Galvanized the nation. And I don't even know what galvanized means. It means like a coating. Oh, great.

Like when you get nails so they don't rust. Okay. He's spectacular, right? And his results inside the octagon, other than Nate Diaz fights, have been incredibly dramatic. Calling, exactly. Second round, I'll get him with an uppercut and knock him out. And then it's like, what? But when a guy like Nate Diaz beats you

and beats you the way he beat you, the right thing to do is to have a rematch. And this is why. Because the rematch is where the big money's at. The rematch with Nate Diaz is god damn Scrooge McDuck, giganti huge 2 million plus pay-per-view vibes through the roof. Because it's still on the table.

Let's just say he goes to 45, then maybe 55 again. He's always going to be like, well, I mean, Nate Diaz will beat you, you know? Exactly. Not only that, but here's the other problem. What? Frankie might beat him. Sure. Everyone might beat him. Max Holloway might beat him in a rematch. Who knows? Yeah. Jose Aldo might beat him in a rematch who knows yeah uh

jose aldo might beat him now now that jose especially jose aldo could yeah if jose aldo temptations yeah it just comes in real healthy you know what i'm saying if he jose aldo is a fucking nine year undefeated all-time great fighter who got clipped with one big punch. So what if Aldo fights in a similar way to how Misha Tate fought Holly Holm? Takes his time, wears that motherfucker out in round two or three, and just stands on the outside

and leg kicks the shit out of him. If Aldo just chooses to... I mean, Aldo was so mad, he tried to take his head off of the left hook, and he got clipped. He loaded up and he got clipped. But what if he doesn't do that? What if he goes in there and plays slow on the outside starts kicking his legs what

if he initiates a clinch because let me tell you something about aldo's jujitsu it's fucking world class yeah like you watch aldo versus mike brown in the the ufc uh or the wec rather when he won the welterweight the featherweight title can't get anything right when he won the featherweight title dude he takes his back like a fucking world champ and it smashes him i mean this is what anderson did when he was at his best was he would get booze in the first and second round and he's almost like it says like guys would you fucking relax i'm about to knock this guy out different style though yeah but i mean it was like i'm not gonna push i will wait and i will get you when it's time and i'll continue to win well anderson has a very unique style his style is he's got a

lot of muay thai but he also has a lot of traditional martial arts as well like some of the things that he does like the front kick to the face the way he does that's a front snap kick it wasn't like a muay thai push kick or a teep it was like a karate style kick i was on acid for that fight oh dude at the mgm me and Diaz sitting next to each other on acid. Dude. Screaming when he kicked him in the face like that. Dude. That was a spectacular.

That was the first time we'd ever seen a front kick to the face KO in the UFC. Vitor? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Vitor. Stunning. So Anderson was a sniper. And what he would do is he would find your range, find your timing.

Yeah, exactly. And then he would unload on shit i can go a little closer yeah okay now i'm in my range or you know with different fighters he fought a different style like with rich franklin he overwhelmed him in a clinch like rich franklin didn't have an answer to his what's called a plum that's when a guy grabs the back of your head like this and pinches down with his forearms and uh the muay thai clinch like when like anything else there's levels to it and it's one of those things where you know how this is a good way to describe it you know you tie your

shoes and you tie your shoes effortlessly you just reach down because you've done it your whole life yeah your pathway like the neuromuscular pathway to tying your shoes is automatic there's certain movements that become like that like when you're sparring or fighting in particular sometimes you'll move out of the way and you're throwing a counter before you even realize you're doing it. Like it's too fast for you to even think about, but you've, you've carved that path so deeply in your neuromuscular structure that when someone does this, you do that. When you see this, you counter there, you understand, you recognize openings without even being conscious of it and when when a guy gets in those grooves when you get in those grooves it's very hard to to deal with it if you don't have that groove right and anderson had that groove

when it came to that muay thai clench you could see it the way it was holding on to him and pushing at you yeah when i went to those muay thai fights and chai or uh-huh yeah that's high kickboxing fights and it's one of the things out there punching and kicking but they do that throw oh yeah it almost doesn't seem like it does that much damage oh it does it's what's humiliating and humiliating it seems more like that the wind knocked out of you you know if a guy kicks your legs out from under you and slams you on your back you're getting the wind knocked out of you can get your you're injured you could get your shoulders injured you can get your ribs injured your neck can get injured. You fall the wrong way or you get knocked on the way down.

And in some organizations, you can kick them in the face on the way down too. While they're falling. So they'll throw kicks. And then as you are scrambled, before the referee gets to you, they'll fucking knee you in the face as you're going down. Even with your gloves touching the ground, it's like legal in a lot of organizations to knee or even kick you in the face. Wow. So be defending yourself i'll just say i'll just fall all the way down i'm not even gonna brace myself a lot of like muay thai has some crazy approaches it's fun the way they see it though their clinch work is like one of the most underappreciated aspects of the the sport because everybody thinks of it as a striking sport and it is but it's also a grappling sport because when they tie up inside that clinch, the guys who are really good, they execute these nasty trips.

And they also, the way of manipulating you into knees, like when someone has a clamp down and they know how to control your neck, it's a very confusing feeling if you're not accustomed to it from a high-level practitioner. Because you get locked in. You don't know what to do. You start grabbing at it and then you're getting kneed in the body and then you get kneed in the chin. That's one of the most brutal things in MMA. And whenever the whole crowd gets behind

it too and they start going, knees, knees! As soon as that clinch comes in because they all want to see it. Well, Anderson kneed him in the face. He's destroyed Rich Franklin's nose. Rich Franklin had to get his nose completely reconstructed. I mean, it was devastated after that fight. Oh, man.

Those were the pull-up Rich Franklin, Anderson Silva versus Rich Franklin one. See if you could find that anywhere, the KO. Anderson Silva KOs Rich Franklin in the first fight. I think that was a master class. No, I don't think so. No? I don't think so. I don't think so I don't think so I was in his very first fight

in the UFC you might have been you might have been yeah pull it back though so we can see the action he's definitely at the rematch no pull it back so you can see the actual

the knees to the face before he's getting him in the clinch and there's like oh he looks scared yeah well he starts doing this he starts moving him around and manipulating

see and so Rich is trying to punch him but look how he manipulates him with these fucking knees and the clinch just, he never lets that clinch go. Boom! Look at this. He's just holding onto the back of his neck. See how he's doing that with his left hand? Pulling him in.

And he's kneeing his body and then he grabs a hold of it with two hands. Look at this. Boom! Look at that. Boom to the body. So he can toss him around. Boom to the body. And he's sliding around and when Rich goes to punch he's outmaneuvering him. He's getting his shoulders in play. So his shoulders are blocking these wide, looping punches. And then he's just leaning his hips back and forcing him to absorb these knees to the body.

And each one of them is weakening him more and more and more. And boom, look at these. Boom again. And then bam, there's to the chin. Boom, boom, boom. And there's a combination. He grabs bam, there's to the chin. Boom, boom, boom. And there's a combination. He grabs him again. Boom, to the chin.

Boom, to the legs. Boom, to the body. And the way he's moving them and manipulating them, man, this is some high-level shit. And you just didn't, at the time, see this level of Muay Thai in MMA. It was very rare to see, at least from this position, it's a very rare position to see prolonged in an MMA fight up until this point. So there his nose is just shattered, and now Anderson's just moving in for the kill. And he gets it again. Boom.

He hits him in the temple, and that's it. It's over. That's it. And his nose was destroyed. I mean destroyed. It was like on the other side of his head. That's when he took the title? You can see it right there.

That's when he took the title? Yeah, that's when he took the title. But back it up just a little bit, Jamie. No, I wasn't at this a little bit more like right there let it go right there watch when he look at his nose oh it's caved at the top there's no bridge there's no bridge no it's completely smashed oh his nose was never the same again he had had to get nasal reconstruction surgery, and it was a big deal. And they have to put splints on your fucking nose and build it back up. And he came back. Fought more.

Yes, he did. Fought him again. Fought Anderson again. Got beat up again. He did his best. He fought well, and he fought great fighters. I mean, Rich Franklin had some great wars. Vanderlei Silva in the UFC.

Knocked out Chuck Liddell in his last fight. Later was was later chuck was his last fight his last fight in the ufc didn't have a broken arm when he knocked out chuck yep he was like fuck it i got one shot let's go for it chuck broke his left arm with a kick chuck could kick fucking hard had some good fights in that oh my god but that was like the first time we'd seen that level of that clinch in a world championship level fight you'd never see anybody control someone'd seen that level of that clinch in a world championship level fight. You'd never seen anybody control someone for that long with a Thai clinch. So Anderson was like responsible for a lot of innovation, a lot of firsts. And not necessarily innovation in that he's using like pretty standard traditional techniques for that respective art form.

Like a front kick is the most standard technique ever. But oddly enough, there was no front kick KOs until he knocked out Vitor Belfort. It's amazing when you see that and then it opens up. Skateboarding has that too, where it's like someone will do it. Then everybody goes, oh, let's all do that. Yeah. When Lyoto knocked out Randy Couture with a jumping front kick to the face, everybody was like, oh, in Toronto and from like 60,000 people.

Oh, yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. When are they going to do the garden? I don't know. Well, they can do it now. It's just,000 people. Oh, yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. When are they going to do the Garden? I don't know. Well, they can do it now. It's just recently got passed. Now it's legal, right?

Yeah. But just to finish up this Frankie Edgar thing, Frankie Edgar could beat him. If he can get taken down and dominated like that with Nate, Frankie's a goddamn tornado. I feel bad for Frankie Edgar. I do too. For getting left out. They're like, this is a title eliminator fight and now it's been like

I guess not a year but like where's his title shot he did what he had to you said win this and you get a title shot financially though you gotta

I know you gotta understand their point of view okay but in the meantime I'll do Edgar interim title yeah or Max Holloway

Max Holloway's in the mix as well against who Edgar or you could jump Edgar it could be it would be either well you know what Or Max Holloway. Max Holloway's in the mix as well. Against who? Edgar? Or you could be a jump Edgar. It would be either... Well, you know what? I say you've got to give Aldo a rematch. You've got to give Aldo a rematch.

Nine straight years, no losses. You've got to let him fight again. Right. Of course. But that's not a rematch. Not to be rude. I'm saying like titles. Who is either against Conor or whoever.

Okay. Yeah, I agree with that. But he's the number one contender. That's a good call. Conor or whoever. Okay, yeah, I agree with that. But he's the number one contender. That's a good call. Or you could set up a fight

where Frankie fights Max Holloway. Another eliminator. Yeah, the problem with that fight is then you get rid of one of the best contenders if it actually comes to pass. I feel like he's already done that title eliminator thing. He won it. He did what he's asked to.

Then have Max Holloway fight the winner of Aldo Frankie. The real problem is a financial problem because the money with Nate Diaz is going to be so goddamn gigantic. Yeah, but in the meantime, also have that fight. Right, but the problem is one of those guys can get lost and get beat up. It's, it's try, it's, you have

three pieces in play at 145. I agree with you. Yeah. But I'm saying like the real, the smart move, really, is you tell Conner he has to pick a weight class. And if you want to fight at 170, you've got to give up your 145-pound title, and they fight for the real title, not for the interim title.

That's the real thing. Like, just give up your title. Just give it up. John Jones had to give up his title because of legal problems, right? So give up your title. What's his name had to give it up because, or Aldo had to give it up because he couldn't fight for a while.

What? Well, no, he never did. He didn't give up his title. You're right. They interimed him. Interim. But fuck the interim. Just give up your title.

You know, it doesn't matter. It's not a loss. The loss is to Nate Diaz. You want to go to 170, that means you're campaigning there. You can't just freeze up the division. So then you have Aldo versus Frankie for the real fucking title. And they fought already before, by the way. Aldo-Frankie for the real fucking title and they fought already before by the way aldo frankie yes and aldo beat frankie it was doing aldo in his prime but i think that frankie is better right now than he was then and i think that he's got frankie only wins fights

he's not supposed to win that's all he keeps doing and doing and doing just keeps winning fights he's not supposed to win well he wins fights he's supposed to win too yeah oh yeah you're right favorite fight i mean frankie's saying from the start he makes his name on these fucking bj fights He just keeps winning fights he's not supposed to win. Well, he wins fights he's supposed to win, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Uriah Faber fight. I mean, Frankie's still. From the start, he makes his name on these fucking BJ fights and all these fights. And it's like, nah, I didn't have a chance. And then he just keeps doing it. The Cub Swanson fight was an overwhelming fight.

And then the Chad Mendes knockout. He knocked out Chad Mendes with one punch. He's at the top of the heap, in my opinion. Yeah. So I think that a rematch is not a bad idea between Frankie and Aldo for the title. And you have that on an undercard of UFC 200 or UFC whatever

the fuck you're going to have in the 80s. And if Conor wants someday to come back to 45, then it's like, sure man, we'll give you a title fight right away. It's not like Conor's not going to know that he already beat Aldo and knocked him out with one punch. He could talk all kinds of mad shit for the rematch. They could do it, run it all back again if Aldo can get past Frankie. Yeah, so it's just a lot of fun stuff that can happen But the Nate Diaz fight has to take place because here my point was this is my final point

Is that if he beats Nate Diaz? He silences everybody if he goes out there and he fights smart and he snipes him and he stays the fuck away from the boxing He uses a lot of leg kicks the way Dos Anjos did. Nate stands real heavy on the front leg. His front leg will be his right leg. Connor is a south paw. Connor will be throwing a hard left leg kick from the back leg. It's a

good setup for him in that regard. Also, Connor knows now he can't knock Nate out with one punch. He's not going to load up and try to fight smart. In fighting smart, then he's not going to load up and try to uncork. He's going to try to fight smart. So in fighting smart, then he'll be able to incorporate leg kicks and he'll be able to incorporate. He'll also understand he's got to fucking stay off the ground. You're not going to do well on the ground when Nate Diaz.

He's just he's at a very, very high level on the ground. So unless Connor gets way better with his jujitsu by the time that fight takes place. Just keep the fight standing up. Use a lot of leg kicks. And he beats him. And if he beats him, if he beats Nate Diaz. Two options. Beats him or loses. Yeah.

So if he loses, he might have lost to Frankie. I'm going to say he's going to. But he could have lost to Aldo in a rematch. Anything could have happened. If he loses, he's got to get away from 170. Then that Nate Diaz money's gone. See, the Nate Diaz money's the big money. He's the most famous guy along with Conor right now.

If he wins, they're doing a third fight. 100%. Third fight, yeah. And then they give up that fucking title at 145 and get fucking rich. I mean, at some level, if you're a martial artist, and emphasize the artist, keep your fucking titles. The way Cerrone seems to think about it. I'm just here to fight man you put whatever belt you want on me you certainly want that title so yeah but

it's like yeah i feel what you're saying yeah um i think it's about money weights you know money fights are what's really important it's not a matter of titles no one would give a fuck if neither nate diaz doesn't have a title and conoror McGregor's not the welterweight champion if he gave up his title that wouldn't mean a goddamn thing still a war still a great you still have former featherweight champion versus former ultimate fighter winner who who stopped this guy in the second round of their last fight it's a spectacular fight and the trash is so good oh it's a giant you're on steroids why are you taking that back all right steroids yeah it's a giant fight. You're on steroids. Why don't you take that back? All right, steroids. Yeah, it's a giant fight. What have I ever done? I've never done it.

Steroids. Yeah. It's so great. And Nate was unflapped. Unflappable. That's the best one. They told him in his last fight, they were like, Nate, you got to stop talking. The ref stopped talking.

He's like, why? That's how I fight. When I fight in Stockton, I fight. You can't tell him to stop talking. I talk shit. What do you mean? Is that a rule? Referee needs to shut the fuck up.

Is that a rule? It's not a rule. You can't do that. There's a lot What do you mean? Is that a rule? Referee needs to shut the fuck up. Is that a rule? It's not a rule. You can't do that. There's a lot of stuff that referees, referees get a little busy in there sometimes. They interfere too much. Yeah. They talk too much. Fight. Come on, guys, fight. Keep it moving. Like, when they are fighting, sometimes they say that. Like, when guys are clinching.

And they have a turn and go, what? Yeah. There's some referees that are just not that good. Oh, right. You know, there's like, there's guys that say it when it's appropriate. Like Herb Dean will say it when it's appropriate. Like if someone's like, they're stalling. He's great. He's a gold standard.

Him and McCarthy are the gold standard. They're the best. And Josh Rosenfeld. Let me tell you this. I saw once at the Pearl. I saw Herb Dean call a fight. And people were booing. Early stoppage.

Early stoppage. and i saw him walk out of the octagon octagon i saw him walk out of the octagon and look at the replay and watch it i saw him watch it and then he sees the replay and goes yeah like he was like i did the right thing yeah he um he and i had a conversation after the tim sylvia fight yeah tim sylvia fought frank meir and the audience was booing because he stopped the fight because they didn't see it but i saw it because i had the replay in front of me in the screen the audience didn't have a screen that they could call it from the truck instantly so they had to put it up on the big screen where you could see

frank's arm break so or excuse me you see tim's arm break. So Frank got him in an arm bar and snapped his forearm in half. And Herb was right there and called it. And the audience was screaming, boo, boo, boo. But when I got in there, I go, what's going on? I go, it looks like it was broken. He goes, oh, yeah, I heard it. It snapped. And so then we played it back to the audience.

And I said, well, watch this. What's that? What's that? I go go that's a broken arm and then i showed it to uh tim sylvia and tim sylvia thanked herb dean after the fight he's like i was complaining about the early stoppage but you saved my career like my fucking arm was broken in half and so herb was like he heard the snap saw the bone a lot more damage yeah fucking with it well herb was in the perfect position he's a really good referee i said thank and said, thank you. Yeah.

Thank you for saving my career. And his fucking arm, man. Because if someone yanks on a compound fracture and it goes right through the skin and the bone bursts, you use all sorts of risk of infection, real serious complications. I mean, who knows if that arm's ever going to be the same again. Most exciting fight I might have ever seen. Tim Sylvia, Randy Couture in Columbus. That was a great fight. First fight they ever had in Columbus. Tim Sylvia, Randy Couture in Columbus. First fight

they ever had in Columbus. And then everyone was like, what? No, he can't take the title. Alright, one round, that's good. And then he went on the second round and was like, dude, if he wins one more round, he'll win the decision. Randy big brothered him. Beat him 5-0.

And he stepped in with the inside leg kick fake to the big right hand and just clobbered Tim Sylvia. And I think Tim just totally never recovered from that. It was probably just caught him on the chin and whomped him. Did you ever see Tim Sylvia when he fought Ray Mercer? Yeah. Dude, that was a crazy idea.

Sad. That was a crazy idea. And he still faked the leg kick. And Tim Mercer's like, we're not going to do kicks, right? We're not going to do pussy shit. He didn't fake the leg kick. This is what was supposed crazy idea. Sad. That was a crazy idea. And he still faked the leg kick. And Tim Mercer's like, we're not going to do kicks, right? We're not going to do pussy shit. He didn't fake the leg kick. This is what was supposed to happen. They were supposed to have a boxing match.

It was supposed to be Ray Mercer versus Tim Sylvia with a boxing match. But because Ray Mercer was a world champion and Tim Sylvia didn't have any pro boxing matches, they wouldn't sanction it. So they had to make it MMA. But they said, hey, MMA, you and I, we both know we're just going to do boxing. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Allegedly, they had to make it mma but they said hey you and i we both know we're just going to do boxing and they were like yeah yeah yeah allegedly they agreed to that and then tim sylvia leg kicked him and ray mercer hit him with a haymaker from hell it was a haymaker on steroids it was a knockout on crack yeah ray mercer was a monster when he was young he could hit hard

that's like the last thing that goes away with a guy like him. Here it is. See, he gets kicked and he's like, oh, man. He's like, you motherfucker. I thought we talked about this. And then he fucking unloads. He was a big boy, too. Boom.

Look at that. What is he, 6'8", 6'10"? Yeah. Oh, he's enormous. Out. Yeah. Oh, he got slipped. Watch this punch.

Womp. That guy hits so hard. For him to catch you like that on the chin. Ray Mercer. He was awesome back in the day. Ray Mercer was awesome. That knockout of Tommy Morrison. Did you ever see that?

No. Tommy Gunn? Oh, my God. One of the most frightening knockouts in the history of boxing for sure. Tommy Morrison was the guy. He was the white hope. everybody thought he was going to be the heavyweight champion he was in the rocky movie he was this badass and he fought motherfucking ray mercer and ray mercer boom he catches him with this shot and look at this fucking combination

boom boom boom and tommy gets caught up in the ropes here so So he's in a corner. So as he's going down, look, his arm gets wrapped up in the ropes. And look at this. Boom. Boom. He's out. Boom. And standing up. The ref's trying to stop him.

And he's caught. He was caught in the ropes. He should have been down. Dude, it was brutal. Damn. It was brutal. It was one of the worst KOs ever. And Morrison came back from that, but not really.

That's amazing. He was always fucked up from that, but not really. That's amazing. He was always fucked up from that. That fight was just devastating. He got tired. The anxiety of the event and the fact that Ray Mercer hit so hard. You're always nervous. You're always scared.

And then he got caught. Bang. He started slowing down. He got caught. Ray Mercer could close the fucking show, too. Speaking of fights. speaking of fights speaking of fights Greg Fitzsimmons is going doing a fight story in the next next season of this is not happening oh are you uh plugging yeah I didn't realize I was doing it but it is every Tuesday night you got just three episodes left didn't you just say you're gonna be somewhere soon doing stand-up comedy

perhaps this weekend you might have thought about Tempe, Arizona, the improv. Oh, the Tempe improv. What a place. AriTheGreat.com. Hey, if you go to our website, 105TheZoo, and if you enter in your email address, you can win tickets to see Ari Shaffir. All right. Most likely we'll just annoy you. Yeah, and this is for sure. You guys, you can DVR the show for sure.

I'd like you to do that. Ron White's on this week with me doing that story about Chinese shit squat toilet. Oh, nice. Yeah, I worked it into a long long nice story but if you google or youtube search this is not happening playlist you'll see the unedited versions of these long form stories 71 videos up right now diaz has probably four of them that's beautiful rogan has two i remember when you started us all out man at the improv lab improv side room 12 people belladonna was one of them belladonna she was in the audience whatever happened to her i I remember when you started us all out, man, at the improv lab. Improv side room. 12 people. Bella Donna was one of them.

Bella Donna. She was in the audience. Whatever happened to her? I don't know. She retired. She got out of the business. I don't really come across her on Pornhub anymore. They just get out of the business, man.

Yeah. But yeah, I started with nothing. Diaz and Marin was in the first one. Did you start from the bottom and now you're here? I guess so. I guess so. I think you did. I think you started from the bottom and now the whole crew's here.

That might be true. I think that really holds true holds true i mean it's inarguable at this point yeah daughter from the bottom now we're here diaz is on in three weeks in the season finale so uh cyborg's in the ufc now too yeah that's amazing i just heard that from you were open pool yeah finally finally yeah Yeah, at 140. At 140. Yeah. Now, Rada fights at 35? Yes.

And she's going to fight Leslie Smith, who fights at 135. It's the girl that her ear exploded. Her ear got torn off by Jessica Ai. What's the problem? Well, it's not a problem, but it's a 140-pound weight class instead of a 145. The 145 is what she's champion of in Invicta, and I think the idea is that they worry that they don't have enough 145-pound talent. I think they didn't have enough 135-pound talent. No, for sure they didn't.

They didn't have 115-pound talent. You have someone about to give somebody a third rematch in five years? Like, come on, man. What, you mean Misha Tate? Yeah, it was like you don't have a deep enough weight class if that's what you keep doing well sort of but i mean that's the same problem they're gonna have right now at welterweight the same problem you're talking about at 145 which has a lot of talent there's a lot of talent at 145 and men's oh yeah you know so this is what i think i think uh first of all she's fucking terrifying i want to talk Oh, yeah. that I would love to see her in the UFC. For sure. She's the name. She's a monster. And I think also we shouldn't have double standards as far as who takes performance-enhancing drugs,

whether it's for men or for women. Is there? I think there kind of is. I think the way people look at it, what a woman is taking testosterone versus a man taking testosterone. Because it's not already part of your body. Yeah. But, you know, honestly,

some of the things that men have been caught with have been pretty unnatural as well. Like superhuman levels of testosterone that don't even exist in medical books. You know, so it's, you could argue that it's dangerous because a woman does change her anatomy. Whatever, they're testing her now. Yeah, but your anatomy changes. Oh, right. But you have to make a weight class. It's tricky, man.

I mean, it always seemed before this Holly Holm thing happened, and that's all fishy, too. What's fishy? Ronda won't take a fight against Holly Holm, and then it's suddenly like Misha Tate wins. Like, I'm ready to fight now. No, she's not necessarily ready to fight now. No, she's not. She can't fight until November. Oh, really?

She's got movie obligations. They got moved around. See, that's bad right there. That is bad there when the movies get in the way of your fights you gotta pick one or the other

go in between wait for four months and say as soon as my fight's over I can do your movie for the next three months and then I get back to training it's gotta be hard though

when you're you know a super celebrity and you're getting all this love and everybody wants to put you in all these different things

it's gotta be hard to say no to certain things obviously obviously the same shit happens a female comics Yeah But it's way worse with a fighter Because a fighter has to be physically tuned up to go in to do battle and get kicked in the fuck Yeah, it's way worse with fighter It's just similar where it's like you're not concentrating on the thing that got you there So the thing that got you there is now suffering. Yeah, maybe you don't care anymore

Maybe you just want to do movies, okay Well that happens to a lot of comics when they they make it all of a sudden you start getting movie offers and tv show offers their stand-up sucks yeah you're um you got to spend time in the trenches i'll work out for two weeks before my special it's like oh no you can't do that i had a conversation with a guy who's on a tv show about that he was telling me he was doing a special i'm like what when are you doing it's like saturday night i mean i knew he had been doing like one or two sets a week. Yeah. I was like, whoa.

Hmm. All right. Yeah, like what are you doing? He wasn't even doing one or two headline sets a week. It's not like he's doing one or two theaters a week. Just 15-minute sets? Doing spots. That's crazy.

It's a lack of respect for the art form. Well, it's not knowing. For yourself. Not knowing. Not having done it. You know? Not having done it the right way where you feel better and everything's loose right you know you think i'm doing well my sets are going well we've all made different than stringing together yeah an hour and four minutes

yeah i mean you can it's just to do it the right way like the way um i think gives it the most time to grow you have to have material that you've worked on for a long time and you have to put a lot of effort into it and then you have to tighten that shit down and get a really great

comedy shape for about two months. That's what I think. I think you need two solid months of every weekend smashing it. Every weekend,

two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, show on Sunday, do spouts during the week. I mean, you know it, dude. When people ask me what's the best show to watch, I'm just like, I don't know.

They're all the same. But if it's my first time on the road, even in two weeks, that Thursday show, that first show of the week is not going to be the best show. It depends, though. It depends. Sure. I could get loose and have fun. How many spots you're doing during the week and how excited you are to be in San Francisco.

Right. Absolutely. And if I just performed Thursday through Sunday the week before, so this is only three days later, yeah, I'm going to be sharp. But if it's been a few weeks and it's like, but by Saturday of that week, oh, I'm on fire. And there's a big difference between doing Thursday night if you are coming off of a weekend run of like three, four, five weekends in a row. Oh, yeah. Then you're on fire.

Like one of the times, the only time i've ever gone on a real tour was when i did that thing with charlie murphy and heffron yeah and we did that real men of comedy maxim thing that that thing man we did 22 or 23 dates and you're just doing show after show after show how sharp you get oh you get like a like a fucking samurai sword man the blade just gets folded down and polished. Now imagine if you took off half those days to go shoot a movie. How would your final shows have been? How about most of those days?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. There's no way. It's like everything else. Everything else. I mean, you don't become a world champion fighter without dedicating your life to it. You don't become a great musician without a lot of rehearsal and a lot of planning. How much are you going to prep before your, how many weeks in a row before your next special

are you going to go? What are you going to do? What percentage? No less than eight weeks. Well, first of all, I've never, I'm not, I've taken like vacations. I took a vacation last week, which I wrote when I was on vacation. Sometimes I think those vacation times. You can step away for a few days.

That's okay. Yeah. But sometimes I think those vacation times where I know I'm not going to perform and I just write my thoughts down with no pressure just to fuck around. I get ideas. I get little seeds that grow from those sort of, you know, those introspective sit-down moments on the beach. Also, it doesn't have to be presented right now. What's that?

This doesn't have to be presented to an audience right now. So you have two or three days to form your thoughts fully and really go into it, days a week whatever it is my point being um i'm constantly working yeah like i'm not taking any time off besides like having a little vacation time even when i had a vacation i came back and i did i gave back on my vacation on thursday night and i was performing friday and saturday night i went right back in you know and i'm doing two three shows a night i'm doing them in different clubs and moving around and then i'm doing the road i shows a night. I'm doing them at different clubs. I'm moving around. And then I'm doing the road. I think you've got to stay sharp. You've got to bear down.

But the last run, I accept no less than two months. What? Every week? Yeah. On the road? Every week. Somewhere. It doesn't have to be on the road.

It could be the Irvine Improv. It could be Ontario. I mean, doing hours. Yes. So you're saying seven straight weeks and then film on the 8th. Yeah. And you're not going to take, sometimes I thought, and I don't know, if I should take the week off before. So then when Thursday comes or whatever, I'm doing it in Cap City in October.

But when I do, I'll have a little freshness to it. You could do that. I don't know the right way. And I also want to do a garbage club the week before that. Just a fuck around. Like a C sea level room where I won't have fans and I can just like, let me test, let me fail here. You'll have fans everywhere you go. As long as you play online. You'll have fans

in Dayton. Yeah, just lower percentage. You know what I mean? Just like, I don't have a draw here. Garbage people. You know all those people. They vote for Ted Cruz. You know those people. They're not on the coast. I don't know, man. I think it's different for everybody.

So you're going to do eight straight weeks. That's great. You're going to be so on fire. You're going to be fire. I think you have to. I think you also, like, during the weekdays, I got to do, like, Ice House sets. Uh-huh. Store.

Tuesday night. No, but, like, do not just store sets, but do long sets during the week, too. You just got to hammer it down man and you'll know you'll know if you're burning you know if you're not feeling that good about it and you'll know if it's it's you know you're feeling good but i think um i don't know man it's exciting stuff yeah you're uh whatever yeah new bits you have are fucking just they're fire man they're fire i'm into it right now yeah really into it loving it man another thing is coming back to the store which has been a little over a year now you know how you feeling now fuck that love it very happy perfect move

it feels like it's being away from it was great it's your home you were at war for a while or something then you got back home and everything's normal again. It's better. It's better. The young crop is better. eBay has completely changed the game over there. Reached out to people like Fitzsimmons and Hannibal and just be like, hey, whatever the system was,

here's the number to call in. Call in every Monday. Yeah. We'd love to have you. You're one of the best comics in the country. Just come on in. Adam came to get me. He came to get you.

I came by. What did he do? I wanted to go by there again for two reasons. One, because you your special there i knew i had to be there so i was like okay thank you that meant a lot to me yeah i had to i was like i'm not gonna like that that it was a huge deal like you getting your first comedy central special and you know me being your friend from when you were a doorman. Yeah. Yeah. Door guy. For sure. And I'm like, dude, you have a Comedy Central special and it's filming at the store.

Yeah. I was going. Pretty excited about that. Yeah. So I decided to go the day before for that. So I came down on- So it wouldn't be like during the special, like, oh my God, I chose to get it out of the way.

Yeah. I had to go like, just relax. Yeah. The fact that I was there. So I went to roast battle and I was like, wow, the vibe of this place is crazy. I was like, this is so much better than it was before. It just, it's the, the young crop is so much better. That roast battle is insane.

They've empowered. Emily is empowered. Like the door guides, but if you can come up with a show and you can get some people there, I'll give you the belly room. Yep. Just come up with a show. Yep.

I'm looking for you guys to like make, instead of before, we're like, Mitzi will never let us do anything. Yeah. No, it's a totally different animal. It's just way better.

And it's also, we've been talking about this, that there's people now that became comedy fans because of the internet, from YouTube clips and from podcasts, and they understand it now. And they know that that's the place where we fuck around and work out, and they know that we're going to be there all the time.

You mean audience members? Yeah. Oh, right. So you build it, and they'll come. Like, you go there now, and it's fucking mobbed. It's mobbed on a fucking Wednesday. It's mobbed on a Tuesday. Monday, the open mic show, the employee show, they're like, it's packed there because it's one of the only times you can get a free show at the comedy store.

Dude, they sold out 20 nights in the OR in a row. In the OR. In the OR. Okay, and people don't understand what this means. It's insane. It's only, maybe, it's 165 seats. But when I ran the cover booth, there were Tuesdays and Wednesdays consistently. You couldn't start with less than six people.

Yeah. And we wouldn't start. The show was supposed to start at nine. We wouldn't start until like 10 because we wouldn't get six people in there yeah it'd be nobody there six yeah and now it's just knowing that those times were only i mean less than a decade ago was like wow the internet changed the game son changed the game changed the whole game and podcast changed the game everybody's got a goddamn podcast now you can get some fans people bill burr mark maron i mean mark maron's entire fame is based on a podcast he didn't get fame

from anything i mean a little bit from that uh america show but that was all kind of gone yeah he had a small base but that's very that's how he's got now yeah no i mean now he's famous he's famous and he's famous because of the internet, because of podcasting. Al Madrigal's there. You know what I mean? It's like... That's an amazing thing. It overthrew a fucking government in Libya and in Egypt.

Yeah. You know? Yeah. The internet's a motherfucker, dude. It's a motherfucker. And so the place is what it should have always been. It's the best playground for comics. Do whatever you want.

Fuck around, come up with great material, and Holtzman, oh my God. Folks, if you're in town on a night where Brian Holtzman is closing out the main room, just go. I mean, it's not become a thing yet. It should be a thing like when people

are talking about like Kenison is prime I am telling you yeah it was all late night I'm telling you Brian Holtzman on Friday night he got on stage

at like you know like 12 o'clock 12.30 or something like that that's three and a half hours into the show it's a long show if there were if that's the main room

if there were 300 people on there there's probably 30 at this point well there's more and more now. That's what's interesting. There was like 60 or 70 there to see. It's still a show.

People know that it's happening now because of podcasts. And the thing is, that show goes on forever. So if you finish your bar at fucking 1130, you can just roll in. I'm telling you. Catch the second half of it. He's a fucking animal. He's so funny. And Brian is a guy that was there when i first arrived in 94 you know how

mitzi found him she was in her office upstairs remember that old office up there yeah and uh there's a door you can still see it's kind of sealed up into the belly room from her office she heard somebody killing and she was like what what is this she just kind of listened through the door that she opened it up and it was holtzman on stage wow get him over here wow yeah and like a bringer show type thing like a you know an open mic type thing just She just kind of listened through the door and then she opened it up and it was Holtzman on stage. Wow. Get him over here. Wow. Yeah. And like a bringer show type thing.

Like, you know, an open mic type thing. He's one of my favorite comedians. He almost made me barf once. Like I was laughing so hard. Like, I couldn't even control it. I want to do any of his material. You can. But his bit about Hillary Clinton. Yeah, you can't.

It's literally so singular and individual because the anger he brings to it and the I mean when Charlie's Angels came out they used to have ashtrays at the comedy store these big fucking thick glass ones

I mean thick and big I mean the size of this alarm clock remember those things eventually they got the plastic ones but they had them up there it's only for the comedians to smoke. Right. If they wanted to, because a few did.

And he goes, Charlie, I don't like that movie because it gives women the false impression they can defend themselves. I am a 220 pound former crack addict, former Marine. I will. And he takes the fucking ashtray and he just slams it. I will crush it and it just shatters. Yeah. He destroyed a giant glass ashtray on stage

And you would say that's not funny That's scary He's talking about beating women You have to see it I'm telling you It's a character And he'll break character occasionally And giggle and laugh

And then he goes back into it Fuck dude I don't laugh I'll put your heads down If you don't want to laugh at the joke I'll put your heads He would do sometimes bad jokes Like real stock jokes So he could get mad at the crowd

for not laughing at them. Not stock jokes, just his own stock jokes. Right. So he'd get mad at the crowd for not laughing, so he can go off. Yeah. Well, he just wants to be angry. Yeah. But it's fucking great.

Anyway. Yeah. Comedy store. It's awesome. That's it, folks. We've got to bring this bitch home. I've got to go work for the UFC. I've got some countdown shit to do.

I'm going to find out some secrets. Find out about some fights. Some shit nobody knows about. Ooh. So excited. Cyborg Rousey. Everybody wants to see that. Yeah, well, that's got to happen after Cyborg fights Leslie Smith.

That's in May in Brazil. Brazil. Yeah. That's it, you fucks. We'll be back tomorrow with Andrew Dice Clay. Holla at your boy. Nice.

Very excited. Very excited. And until then, Ari, anything to say to the people? Guys, I guess not. Okay,

go fuck yourself from Ari Shafir. Love ya. Make sure to tune in. DVR my show. This is not happening. Tuesday night slash Wednesday morning

at 1230 on Comedy Central we got three episodes left and Diaz is on one of them and Sean Patton tells maybe the best story of the year the last episode and Simone's on in two weeks

Ron White's on this week with me beautiful beautiful alright folks see you soon much love bye Thank you.