The Joe Rogan Experience - #78 - Chris Marcus

Episode Date: February 8, 2011

Joe sits down with Chris Marcus.

This is our buddy, and Chris used to work for Flushlight, and he's also a writer and just an all-around cool cat and entrepreneur out there in the world making shit happen. Thank you, Joe. So this Lotus thing, you helped design this motherfucker? I did. And I wanted to try and recreate, because we do a good job with the exterior of the vagina. Right. I wanted to do a good job. Which, by the way, is completely unnecessary. Right.

I used to have a joke about that. If you just put a round hole in the wall, we'll fuck it. Right, right. It doesn't have to look like a fake pussy but the interior is key yes that sounds absolutely i wanted to try and create something that was confusing and really actually felt as close as possible and i think i did a decent job with the lotus because it has this little note in there that's kind of you know like when you're getting to the back and you start to feel a little something that's coming in and giving you a little pressure and you kind of slide around it or something like that i don't exactly know how it works.

You're talking about the back of a vagina. Yeah. Yeah. But there, but there's like, yeah, it's called warts. You got to be careful with those bitches.

Speed bump son. That bitch needs to go to a doctor and get some shit cold lasered. It's like where the cauliflower where it starts feeling like cauliflower. Right, right, right. That's the, well,

I watched some video online once. That's the Got by the way in a board of flowers the g-spot is that what it is yeah really but every girl's different i mean you can't really say it's a g-spot the cauliflower part is right but you know what i'm saying i'm like every it's there's like certain spots it's not every everybody doesn't have the same spot i always thought that's silly like when you watch like pussy eating competitions or uh instructionals rather on the internet you ever seen those? Right. I've seen a few of them. Here's an instructional.

When you're eating out a girl and you're like up at the top, put a finger or two in and hit the cauliflower and just massage it while you're licking it. There you go. Instant orgasms.

Right. You pull it towards it. Yeah, pull it towards it and almost pressure. You almost like pressure. In the come hither motion. Yeah.

Come hither motion. But every girl's got a different groove. Some girls want you to just lock on to that motherfucker and go crazy. Yeah. And really fast tongues. Other girls are like gentle, the girls gentle slow gentle slow because they don't trust you They're putting no trust in you when you do that. I don't know if that's it. I think it I don't know if that's it

I think girls are sensitive to the different shit some girls like it Another goes like they just haven't gone the other way same with same with nipples I mean some girls, you know whack them with a fly swatter. Some girls tell you to bite their nipples. Yeah, and other girls, you touch them. Like, whoa. It's an interesting thing with some girls that it seems that pain has become some sort of a sexual thing. It's not every girl, but there are certain girls that pain, for whatever reason, turns them on.

They like to be manhandled and choked and slapped and and and spanked and shit and they like to be fucked hard where it hurts like you look at me like you know it hurts like look at her face but she's loving it you know what the fuck is that has an evolutionary biological advantage because i think you know sex back in the day was rough brutish short violent you know and you know it just made. That's how I still rock it. Made sense. Fuck the new school. You know, and actually when a girl obviously is more excited, she's more open.

Actually, she has a greater chance of conceiving. I read about that in a book called Sperm Wars, which is a great book. Yeah. Sperm Wars. I've heard. Okay. I looked into all this because there was an article that I read, a couple articles I read about killer sperm, that there are certain sperm that go out and attack other sperm. So I read this on more than one source online and from that book, Sperm Wars. Was his name Baker?

Yeah. I believe his name was Dr. Baker. So then I read some different responses to that. And apparently there's no evidence to support it whatsoever. The only evidence to support that there's some sort of a blocking system going on, there's evidence to support that.

There's a reason why sperm is gooey and sticky. One of the reasons is trying to clog up the works for other dudes. There's also very strong evidence that there's a direct correlation between, not just strong evidence, but it's been been proven between the promiscuous nature of the females of the population and the size of the testicles in the males that the males just produce more sperm but that's just so they could shoot more loads and have more chances it's not that there's actually sperm

that are going out there and killing other sperm so that sperm wars book is a little wonky huh yeah it's a little wonky but the uh the idea, huh? Yeah, it's a little wonky. But the idea behind a woman orgasming, opening her up and making her more likely to conceive, then you would think that, well, then the rape thing probably wouldn't be the best thing, the best move. No, but, you know, so how it passes through sexual selection is the girl who actually, through some genetic mutation, finds that attractive, that kind of rough, brute, kind of rape scenario attractive, is going to produce more vaginal fluid, which is going to help conduct the sperm a little better and be more open to it.

So she's going to be more likely to conceive, meaning there'll be eventually, over time, an advantage for the females who like that kind of dominant scenario in cultures that have dominant sex. Right, and they're also going to be cohabitating with dominant males in that way. You're going to have someone who's going to protect you and get some shit done. Instead of some weak three-quarter limp dick dude who just barely sticks it in and squeezes out a slug.

Needs to split it with a popsicle stick. Make your shitty genetic baby to go out and get raped by a Tyrannosaurus Rex or some shit. Right. So you were talking about the flesh, that you were designing that. Yeah, tell us how talking about the fleshlight, that you were designing that. Yeah, tell us how many designs there are. The one you were designing.

The Lotus? Yeah. How many are there? There's got to be 16, 17 different internals. And the variations are different tightness, like what is it, different texture? Whatever you could think of. I mean, it was really a matter of long you know experience with feeling these things out and then you just come up with shit you know like all this would be interesting and you try it you

know they build a rod try it out and some of them are smash hits and some of them are like meh you know have you ever thought of developing some sort of a cleaning sponge thing like a very small penis like sponge that's attached to like say a wire or a stick. Like a cum swiffer? Yeah, cum swifter. Exactly. Something to get in there and... Yeah. Well, I mean, it's so sticky inside anyway, so the material is. It would be tough to come up with something that would actually slide that was porous itself that could actually clean.

Otherwise, it would be just like a dildo hardness going through. Has there ever been a recorded instance of a dude using a flashlight, having a venereal disease, leaving his load in a flashlight and then and then another sick fuck using the fleshlight and getting that dude's disease? No. No? No recorded instances of that. That's possible?

How long will herpes last on the plastic surface of the fleshlight? That's a good question. It's a very good question. I don't know. But we recommend washing them out. And not sharing them. Every now and again, some water would help. Wait.

Who are you sharing it with, Joe, that you might be worried about just saying that's why you have one it's all yours you don't need to share it with anybody this is a kind looking homeless guy down the street i don't want him getting my diseases now bobby lee don't need to share bobby lee was on our show last last week and he's a huge supporter of the vibrating one that has the little rechargeable beads right uh now he said that that he they only last five minutes does he have a defect one or no they last 60 minutes 60 minutes so he has a defect maybe he's just because he's like halfway through it stop yeah he just crushes it crushes it it just can't handle he just squeezes it so hard against the side is that how it works

the harder you squeeze it the more it revs no i don't know i mean these things are you know they have a little little engine a little off-centered little motor in it and it lasts about you know lasts about 60 minutes and it's a beat if you move closer to move closer to the mic so that we all have the same we did different volumes um and it fits right into the slot yeah so like every one of them but little three slots in the head and usually you can only fit one or two in there uh with yourself but we have three slots just the head. And usually you can only fit one or two in there with yourself. But we have three slots just in case. And just vibrates your dick?

Yeah. You know, some people like it. I think it's more distracting. I don't really, I'm not a big fan of the vibration. Yeah, I would be like, where is the fantasy? Because what am I fucking? What am I fucking? A girl on a washing machine.

Fucking a robot. Right. A girl on a washing machine in a hurricane. During an earthquake. Yeah. There's some really good products by another company called Screaming O, and it's like a vibrating cock ring. And they've kind of taken that market, which is awesome for the chicks, but I find it kind of a little bit annoying for me to have it on because the vibration is just distracting. Like you feel less.

Like imagine your hand like on a massager and then try and like feel something cool propeller you feel anything right and then also what if like the chick only wants it with that vibrating cock right you're like my cock and balls are not enough right has to turn yourself into that would annoy you man robo cock yeah because i dated a dude i dated a chick who dated a dude dated a chick who dated a dude and Dated a chick who dated a dude. And they had a bad relationship. And one of the bad problems in their relationship was she got addicted to vibrators. Yeah. Like, very much addicted.

I had that too. Really? You had a girl that was addicted to it? Yeah. Dude, first of all, what's up with bitches telling you, like, problems they had with other dudes sexually? Like, fucking stop. All right? Because we know you're going to do that to us too. You fucking creep.

Right. You tattletale creep. You know, but a lot of girls like, you know, and then he couldn't get it up. And then God, I was like, is it me? And you're like, half of this is you just trying to get me excited. But like, look, I can get it up. Fuck him. Don't worry about him.

You know, engaging in that sort of a weird guy, masculine ego thing where like, or, you know, like, wow, this poor girl, she needs some dick. She's letting me know she needs some dick. It's a little banter and game you play. But this girl apparently could not come without for a long time. She had to wean herself off of it. She had to not use anything for like a year. She used to use shower heads. She used to use the faucet.

Apparently when you're in a tub, you can crank that motherfucker up. I heard that a lot. And she was built. She was the perfect height to slide her pussy right underneath the thing and just get blasted on the snatch by the fucking full stream of water. And that's how she would orgasm. She would orgasm doing that, and she would orgasm with vibrators. And so she would fuck her dude and just be like, you done?

You done? Okay, good. She would like, like, fuck her dude and just be like, you done? You done? Okay, good. Which has got to be annoying as fuck to the dude, you know? Like if your chick wants you to put that cock ring on all the time, like, come on, really? Right.

What are we doing here? Right. The fuck are we doing here? Fuck cock rings. Is it all about this? Or is it about love, baby? You start becoming the chick, you know? Can't you just hold me? Can't you just hold me? Why do I have to put it in about this? Or is it about love, baby? You start becoming a chick. Can't you just hold me? Can't you just hold me?

Why do I have to put it in your ass? It is funny, though, the psychology that changes if you're not. If you don't really feel like you've done the best job you could with a chick. Oh, yeah, dude. You'll catch yourself being not yourself. Fuck yeah. You seem like a weak bitch. Like giving extra long massages.

Like what am I doing here now? Guys who have sexual problems, man, you could always see it in the relationship. The relationship is always bad. They can't fuck right. I know dudes that get addicted to porn. I've talked to a couple guys.

Bobby Lee was talking to us about it. That Bobby Lee has a hard time getting it up. Because he just addicted to porn because he watches porn so much. And then, like, you know, you were like a regular girl. You're like, what's all this? What is this? What am I doing here? What am I doing here? Where's your heels?

Right. You know, this is all your real hair. What the fuck? You can't even wear your fake eyelashes. Yeah. You know, how come your tits aren't hard? Yeah. The fuck is good.

And he likes the HD one. He's like pays for it. Yeah. He buys the DVD. likes the HD one. He pays for it still. Yeah, he buys the DVD, so he gets dirty. He gets up in there. That's a weird thing how people get really connected to one particular thing that turns you on. With some guys, man, it stops being regular people. It starts being the porn.

Yeah, I guess that's the guy's trap is the porn and the girls is the is the vibrator sort of i mean girls get the porn too right don't girls get addicted to porn yeah i mean i know a couple girls esther's addicted to the porn addicted though like really like a guy addicted yeah she doesn't like esther esther had uh like 12 videos on her phone of porn videos i don't even have porn videos on my phone. I just fucking go to some streaming porn site. Right, but that might be a factor, the fact that she can't find very many good ones, so she's got to save them. You know what I'm saying?

Like porn that's good for girls is hard to come by. She bought Jenna Jameson's sweater off eBay, Addicted to Porn. Whoa. How many loads were on that sweater? Jesus Christ. You could make a whole army of humans with that sweater. Just throw that sweater to a few scientists and go, yo, there's some shit in there.

Do what you got to do. Get some biological material, clone it. You'd have a goddamn army. Have you seen Chris's photo from Halloween from two Halloweens ago where him and all his friends all dressed up as the characters from Street Fighter. By the way,

I'm not insinuating that Jenna Jameson is having sex with anyone other than Tito Ortiz. These are just jokes. Nobody get a fucking hurt pussy over this. No sand in your vagina,

please. These are just jokes. I love Jenna Jameson. I love Tito. These are just jokes. You might be able to find loads on my sweater too.

How about that? Maybe more than hers. Maybe more loads. And maybe Tito's. Maybe more than hers. That happens. Maybe more loads. And maybe Cheetos. Maybe I'm experimenting with a gauntlet of loads. But, yeah, on his website, WarriorPoet. Chris's website. Yeah, Chris's WarriorPoet.us, right?

Yep. He's got a great photo. You've got to check it out. It's hilarious. I mean, they all look exactly like these Street Fighter characters. Yeah, we got the full Street Fighter 4 16-person cast. Yeah. You had the shaved head.

What is it? What are you talking about? Just random people in the streets? No, all our buddies. Oh. All our buddies. We all got together. Oh, you guys are dorks.

You guys are like those Avatar people that pretend to be blue. Go out and recreate Avatar. We recreated the fall of Home Tree. Yeah, but if you saw that on Halloween, you'd be like, wow, that's fucking amazing. There was a really funny online video where it was a spoof of these Avatar people that recreate Avatar. And it was like, you know, it was just a parody. But it was really funny. But the funny thing is that people really do that.

But at least if you're doing Avatar, you're doing something fantastical and fantasy-filled and wonderful. What about these assholes that pretend they're in the Civil War? We're going to recreate a battle. We're going to come over the hill right there and you're going to meet us with cannon fire. And you know you're going to fall? Yeah. What are you doing? That's odd.

Did you guys hear about this? It would be one thing if they had paintball guns. Is your website getting crushed? Yeah, your website's destroyed, so never mind. Wow, we just crushed your website that quickly. Welcome to the power of the podcast. You need to get my webmaster on that. Is it WordPress? The motherfucking

saga continues. Yeah, we've crushed many a website on this show. I actually enjoy doing it now. It's something I like being able to mention a website and watch that motherfucker hit the ground. Bolster the defenses. It's more of a flaw of WordPress. We've had problems with ours, man.

We've had problems whenever the podcast runs. I've just got to separate everything onto two servers because I have a message board and a regular blog. And when the podcast hits, you can access it through the regular blog. And when you access it through the blog, it's like everything else just slows down to a fucking creep because there's just thousands of people hitting it. And really, honestly, not that many. I mean, it's only like a couple of thousand at a time it's amazing like what how little it takes to crush a website you know a couple thousand hits at once and it just crushes what the fuck are we prepared for right what kind of weak ass shit is this you know it's not like a television where everyone can tune into the station at the same time well it's a

flawed system no it is but if you have if you have a server set up right and prepared for that, you'll be fine using cloud servers. But the problem is you get your private server. If you think about it, a private server is one computer. So imagine 2,000 people going to one computer. We have a dedicated server for that and a couple other sites. But we probably should go to the cloud. Go to the cloud. It's time to go to the cloud, bitches.

It was time to go to the club, bitches. Did you hear about that NBC employee that got fired because he leaked a video of Bryant Gumbel and whatever that chick's name from the Today Show from 1994 where they were talking about the Internet and they both did not know what the Internet was. It was 94. I know. Who the fuck cares, right? The guy got fired from NBC because he put it on YouTube and now NBC is trying to take down the clip from YouTube. Why? Because they look like fools? Yeah, but it's 94. And now NBC's trying to take down the clip from YouTube. I mean... Why? Because they look like fools? Yeah, but it's 94.

So, but play it. We have to find out how someone lost their job off this. You know what it is, man? It's the infrastructure. These old fucks that are still in charge

of these corporations. They just have not caught the fuck up. Here we go. I was doing that little tease. That little mark with the A and then the ring around it.

At. See, that's what I said. Mm-hmm. Case that she thought it was about. Yeah. Oh. They didn't know what at means, you dumb cunt. Can you turn it louder, bro? No, it's as loud as it gets. See, there it is. Violence at NBC, G-E-com. I mean... Well, what Allison should know,

what do you say about that? What is the Internet anyway? Internet is that massive computer network, the one that's becoming really big now. What do you mean? How does one... What, do you write to it, like mail? No, a lot of people use it and communicate it.

I guess they can communicate with NBC writers and producers. Allison, can you explain what Internet is? No, she can't say anything in ten seconds or less. Oh, Allison will be in the studio shortly. What does it mean? It's a giant computer network made up of a start of the Chrome. Oh, I thought you were going to tell us what this was. It's like a computer billboard.

It's a computer billboard, but it's made up of lines. It's several universities and everything going together. Right. And others can access it. Right. And it's getting bigger and bigger. It came in really handy during the quake. A lot of people, that's how they were communicating out to tell family and loved ones they were okay

because all the phone lines were down. I was telling Katie. But you don't need a phone line to operate? No. No, apparently not. I was telling Katie, I was talking to a lot of people out in L.A. who are afraid to go to sleep. Really? Yeah.

They're scared to go to sleep. A lot of people, particularly those who live alone, are afraid. I mean, they're getting into bed with the gym shoes. How did we segue from the Internet to being scared to go to sleep alone? I know. And they'll start to lift off, and then a tremor will come through. I'm hoping they talk more about the Internet again. And there are a lot of people now who are suffering from sleep deprivation. Yeah, I know. I'm hoping they talk more about the internet again.

Okay, let's just kill it right there. That's fascinating. I'm saving that right now. I went to keepvid.com. By the way, if there's anything that you can find on the internet, like a YouTube clip, they're like, oh, shit, if they find out about this, it's going to get yanked. Go to keepvid.com. Keep, K-E-E-P-V-i-d.com and there's a an application what it lets you do is you you put in the url of the youtube clip and then all you have to do is uh press a you know

follow the instructions and pick what resolution you want what format and you can download it yeah and if you have mac i've noticed it doesn't work on chrome yes it doesn't work on safari either i think it works on firefox it does safari doesn't work yeah it've noticed it doesn't work on Chrome. Yes, it doesn't work on Safari either, I think. It works on Firefox. It does Safari. Does it work on me? Yeah, it just takes a while. It doesn't work on Chrome, though, at all, for some reason. Maybe I got it set up wrong.

But I'm not a fan of Chrome. But it shows too many distortions on websites. It shows things funky. I've been going back and forth. I'm still stuck with Chrome for some reason. I think it's better than Safari. My problem with Safari is that Flash does not work good in Safari. I don't know if that's Flash versus Apple,

but it seems like Safari Flash crashes way more than it does in Chrome. Why is it embarrassing to them that they didn't know what the Internet was in 1994? It's not. Why does everyone have to look like they knew everything all the time? That's the only way. Anybody should be upset at that. NBC should be fascinated by that. They should put that online. They should put that on the Today Show today. Yeah, that's the only way anybody should be upset at that. NBC should be fascinated by that. They should put that online.

They should put that on the Today Show today. Yeah, that should be funny. That should be fun. Like a fun clip. Sure, look at us. Yeah, look at us from, what was that? And they're stupid. 17 years ago?

If they released a statement like, and just said, look at this. Wasn't this funny? Back when the internet was in its infancy. Yeah. And then people would be like, wow, that's crazy. Instead, they're trying to hush it, which makes you think there needs to be something to be hushed,

which makes you think that these guys are dummies when really, they would have been like any of us. Exactly. They're ashamed of themselves. Right. Which is why Charlie Sheen

is the baddest motherfucker on the planet because he ain't ashamed. He ain't giving any apologies. He's wearing fake mustaches and picking up hookers. Yeah. Fucking Brian Gumbel,

you pussy. Is it you? Are you scared, Brian? Yes. You're scared of everybody knowing that you didn't know what the internet was. I bet that's what it is. I bet Brian Gumbel is alone in his office,

all delusional, detached from society, going, who put this online? I want his job. You know he's not on the internet still. I want his job. You know he's not on the internet. Brian Gumbel? Yeah, he's one of those guys

that refuses to go on the internet. I don't think you're right. You don't think? No, I think everyone's on the internet now. If you want to be a journalist, there's not on the internet. Brian Gumbel? Yeah, he's one of those guys that refuses to go on the internet. I don't think you're right. You don't think? No, I think everyone's on the internet now. If you want to be a journalist, there's not a chance in hell you can stay off the internet and stay active. My stepdad, who is a big architect. If nothing else. My stepdad.

Brian Gumbel's got a ton of fat white broads on his computer. I bet that's all it is. Fat, greasy white bitches eating chicken. Dot com. Big black guys. Could you imagine how badass it would be if you got to Brian Cumbles and all of his shit was like dudes

with bones in their noses and giant afros and just the black, because he's the whitest black guy ever, right? Just the blackest of the black, all just fucking

these greasy, fat, zit-assed white bitches. Just trailer bitches with dirty socks on and shit. I would love to find what kind of porn Brian Cumbles got on his fucking computer. They do.

You go to one of these shows like the AVN, you see these sites, and it's like, how do you even come up with that? Exactly. They do. It's all so strange, isn't it, man? It's all so strange what people get into. But this is disturbing to me that someone lost their job for that. That guy should have been given a raise or at know, or at least recognized for his, you know, wow, you found this.

That's amazing. That's a good job. Yeah. I would be laughing if I was Brian Campbell. I would be asking you to play that. I'd be like, play that. Jesus, Cap Crook. Can you imagine what has changed in 17 years?

Because it's like, there's nothing embarrassing about not knowing that then. You know, in 1994, there's nothing embarrassing about that. And if you're Brian Gumbel or the other chick, no, you should hear about this story and fucking write the producers of that show or NBC and go, look,

do not fire this guy. Give him his job back. Stop being a fucking retard. Yes, absolutely. I 100% agree. Yeah, that's a very good point, Brian. Yeah, this is ridiculous that someone lost their job for that.

I heard an interesting story about the father of the modern computer. This guy, Alan Turing, was a British guy, and he basically developed what was going to be the groundwork for the binary system, the ones and zeros. Brilliant guy.

Created the Turing computing system or whatever, and also actually helped the Allied forces decode the codes that were going to the also actually helped uh helped the allied forces decode the codes that were going to the u-boats from the nazis and like created the system that helped help do that but the fucked up thing was and what caught my attention is it's like 1952 um he got he got uh convicted of gross indecency by the uk because he was a gay man and they the the punishment at that point was injections of female hormones. No.

So they started injecting this dude forcibly with female hormones. Wait a minute. That's the punishment? For gross indecency. And he committed suicide two years later. Like tragedy. He was only like, I think he was under 50 years old. What is wrong with the English folks back then?

Crazy, man. That would be the punishment. And this was like, what year was this? This was the 50s? 52, I think back then? Crazy, man. That would be the punishment. And this was like, what year was this? This was the 50s? 52, I think he died. Yeah, 52. Alan Turing, T-U-R-I-N-G. That's incredible.

It is. So what were they trying to do, turning him into a woman? Well, I guess it was supposed to lower his sex drive so he wouldn't be humping dudes because he had too much estrogen and whatever else they put in him. Who the fuck knows? Can you imagine the horror of getting getting state injected female hormones which just made you feel all fucking twacked oh my god terrible jesus christ after he helped he helped decode the fucking codes for the u-bucks he should have been given you know here's 20 boys to a

men to adore you you know like no here's a bunch of dudes. Like, where's the fucking honor? It's amazing how much things have changed in 70 years, 60, 70 years. You know, it's really kind of crazy when you think about it, you know, how much more things are accepted now. And that is a direct result of the spread of information. Yep. You know, people kind of understand that gay people aren't twisted and fucked up. Right.

You know, it's like the ignorance is the real issue. There's a crazy story that I read today from, God, I forget where it was. I think it might have been Florida. I forget the state. But a guy stabbed his friend because he found out his friend was a Muslim. And they apparently lived in the same town,

hung out together a bunch of times. They were talking. They're in their 50s, okay? They're at a bar. They're talking at a bar. And the guy mentions that he's Muslim. And so the other guy just fucking stabs him in the neck. Jesus.

Yeah. And he gets arrested. He's like, Muslims are the cause of the problems with this whole world. You know, like, what? You just stabbed that guy in the neck because he said it was a Muslim. Like, oh, faggotry. Tough. Where? The disassociation with just the grip on reality.

You know, the amazing thing though really and this is something to focus on this is something that's actually very important we are not supposed to know about that guy because he is fucking nowhere near us the real issue with human beings is that we're set up to deal with immediate danger immediate threats immediate positive and negative aspects of our life right here and now. What's here? But now, because of the internet and because of television and the news and movies, we

have access to this fucking massive chain of shit that's coming in. So we're not learning about 300 million people even. We're learning about billions, the whole world over. The more fucked up it is, the more you're going to hear about it. You know, serial killers in Russia fucking guy leads babies and Yugoslavia where the fuck it's happening completely unrelated to you it's all just gonna come swarming in on you to the point where you're fucking completely terrified yeah but if you really look at it as long as you

don't live in the shittiest of shitty neighborhoods if you really look at it it's amazing how well people get along. It really is quite amazing. If you really stop and think about it, that we can get through 30, 40 years of a life and never been in a fistfight. I know a lot of guys who have never been in a fistfight. You've never been in a fistfight, right? I've been in two. Two? But they were in middle school and like freshmen.

It's amazing. I've lived a life around a lot of that, and it was only two years ago that I got in my first actual street fist fight. If you go to bars, it can happen. It can happen. But it's amazing how rare it happens. It's incredible how rare it happens. Even at UFCs. How many times have you been to UFC?

The audience is drunk. It's at least 10% skull t-shirt wearing meatheads. At least 10%. And still very few fights meatheads, right? At least 10%. And still very few fights. Yeah, but that is another factor at work there. If you fight someone at a UFC, you're taking a big risk. Yeah. Because there's someone from American top team who hasn't made it to TV sitting next to you wearing that same T-shirt.

Yeah, check his ears, homie. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not a mouse living inside his ear. Yeah, it's a little risky to be popping off with those. Yeah, that's true. But there's also dudes who think they're the fucking man. Oh, of course. The fucking man.

Of course. I can't believe Rashad Evans pulled out that fight, that pussy. Guys will send me Twitter messages or email messages calling fighters pussies, and I'll just go, oh my God. Do you know how silly? This is like a little baby crying right now. This is just nonsense. You're saying nonsense.

You're telling me a professional cage fighter is a pussy. Even the worst professional cage fighter is not a pussy. The worst one that's ever lived. Yeah. He's not a pussy, all right? Even if he fucking taps out after he gets hit a bunch of times, you would tap out quicker, stupid. Right. All right?

Let's not. No, I wouldn't, bro. I feel no pain. I have no fear. Right. All right? Let's not. No, I wouldn't, bro. I feel no pain. I have no fear. Yeah. No fear. People love to make up shit. I was reading up all the shit that Steven Seagal's made up all through his career, because

there's a whole thing going on right now where Steven Seagal told everybody that Anderson Silva, he taught Anderson that kick. Right. Which is kind of what he's supposed to do, right? Right. I mean, there's videos of him training with Anderson. Well, fuck it. Anderson barely even speaks English.

Just run around and tell everybody that you taught him it. And you know what? Anderson's so cool, he'll probably be like, yeah, yeah, he taught me. He's a good guy. I always thought that was just him playing a goof. But Anderson played a goof. Anderson might be playing a goof. Didn't he do a little Wing Chung in the ring?

Well, he always does that. He'll do a little, like, moving the hands funny. And he's just letting you know he's ready to fucking explode in your face. Ready to kick you in your face. Ready to kick you in the chin. Yeah. That was a ridiculous fight. That was ridiculous. Is he really saying that?

Is he really saying that he's the one that taught him? Yeah, Steven Seagal's really saying that. Boss Rootin went fucking crazy. And Boss Rootin, I'm going to go do an advertisement for his gym, so I'm going to try to get him on the podcast too, because Boss Rootin will have some fucking amazing stories. Brawls in Holland. He's just a savage. I love Boss Rootin'. But Boss went crazy on Twitter.

And he's like, what planet is he from? Did he learn this from fucking Disneyland? He's like, Boss Rootin' go crazy on Twitter. He's angry at Steven Seagal. I heard an unverified story about when Gene LaBelle and Steven Seagal

had an incident. Yeah, that's a true story. That's an absolute true story. Gene LaBelle told me that story. Gene tells you it like this. He doesn't actually tell you the whole story. That's an absolute true story. Gene LaBelle told me that story. Gene tells you it like this. He doesn't actually tell you the whole story. What's the story? Well, you know, Stephen was trying to say that no one could choke him out.

You can't choke him out. He had this move. This move would stop you from choking out. So, you know, I said, all right, Stephen, let's try it. I get him in a headlock there. I get him in the rear naked. And he takes this hand, the free hand, and just karate chops me right in the old sisters. And this is like the way Gene Nobel talks.

He wouldn't even say his balls. He's like the nicest guy ever. He would say something like, right in the old Johnson. And then, well, and then I guess he got tired after doing that, and he just fell asleep. And I guess maybe he forgot to go to the bathroom so he went to the bathroom then oh that's hilarious and if you know gene labelle gene labelle is like first of all he was like one of the original mixed martial artists he's a judo guy that had cage fights or it wasn't a cage it was a you know um a basically a mixed rules fight where he fought

a boxer you know he fought a boxer with his judo gi on and just took the boxer down and beat his ass. You know, Gene was like, he's like the guy that taught Bruce Lee about grappling. You know, Bruce Lee, back in the day, thought you could just karate kick everybody in the head and that was the shit, you know? And Bruce Lee actually worked on a lot of, like,

more effective things like leg kicks and short-range techniques, wing chung, and boxing punches and stuff like that. But he really wasn't aware about grappling until he hooked up with Gene LaBelle. And Gene LaBelle is a fucking gorilla. He's just, you know, national champion judo player. And he's just so fucking ridiculously strong.

And I'm sure he grabbed that little 135 pound Chinese man and had him fucking shit in his pants going, OK, now we learn grapple. You know, I mean, you had to learn grappling after you fucked around with Gene LaBelle. Yeah. So Gene LaBelle telling the story, you know, it makes it extra funny. That would be classic. But he was at the UFC again. He's in Anderson Silva's corner. Oh, nice.

Steve Seagal's always in Anderson Silva's corner. Oh, is he? I don't know. How did they get together? I don't know, man. Did Steven just like a fan and he wanted to hang out? Well, I'll tell you what, dude. The bottom line is whatever you might think is silly about Steven Seagal, the motherfucker was a serious Aikido guy.

You know, like if you watch his Aikido videos, he's not completely full of shit. All right? I'm not a fan of Aikido. I think it's silly nonsense. But if you're going to get good at silly nonsense, which I kind of did. I got really good at Taekwondo. And a lot of that's silly nonsense. A lot of that shit doesn't work when dudes are shooting doubles on you and dropping elbows on your face.

Steven Seagal learned a different kind of silly nonsense. And it's not all silly nonsense. It's just that out of all of it, what percentage of it would actually work against someone who knew what the fuck they're doing. That's the most important thing about martial arts. It's got to work on someone who knows how to fight. You always talk to those street fight guys. Like we practice street tempo. Like, you always talk to those street fight guys.

Like, we practice street tempo. We work on street tempo, basically a lot of techniques involving mailboxes, whatever you find on the street. Yeah, you know, how to slam a guy into a newsreader. It's like they all have, like, fucking techniques. Well, you take your keys, you put them in between your knuckles, now you essentially have a deadly weapon in your hand. You know, like your keys are poking out.

How long does it take to get your fucking keys and stick your knuckles in them and hold them? Get the fuck out of here, bitch. I mean, if you're getting in a fight, do you really want to puncture someone's throat?

That sounds like something that you're taught at rape school. You know, don't get raped, ladies. Put your keys in between your hands. Yeah, that's like life and death

type of stuff, you know? Yeah. Yeah, those rape classes are, you ever see that? When the guy puts on the big blue suit and the women scream no and just kick him?

Yeah. Kicking is the move, man. Lie on your back and learn how to kick. Learn how to use a guard. Learn how to... If a woman wants to learn how to fight, she should learn jujitsu. Because the reality is, it's very rare, unless you're an exceptionally strong woman. I've met some women that have good bone structure, they're strong, and you're like, wow, this

chick punches. She could fucking hurt you. One of the dudes who worked for Fear Factor had an assistant and she was just like a you know corn-fed girl just fucking not fat at all she was like only 130 pounds but this bitch could punch so hard it was ridiculous she like told me she was like i could punch really hard i'm like okay i hit my hand and she hit my hand i went god damn and i thought about like her punching me in the face i'm like this bitch might be able to knock me out if she sucker punched me. She fucking hits hard.

You never know. But most girls can't do it. Most girls don't know how to punch that hard. It's a rare thing. So for most girls, if they want to learn how to fight, they're going to learn how to use their legs and learn how to grapple. Because if you learn jiu-jitsu, you could really immobilize someone who's much stronger than you just with technique. It seems like a good triangle choke should be a mandatory. It's hard to do if a guy knows how to fight.

Well, no, but in a rape scenario. Yeah, but at least he can try to hold on to it. You're going to be in guard anyways, right? I mean, I suppose there's a good chance they could slap that on. The guy wouldn't know what was going on and choke him out. Hold on to his fucking leg. Make sure he doesn't slam you. But you have to learn how to use your legs because your legs are what's carrying you around all day. You know, for a woman, her arms, you don't even realize what percentage weaker your arms are. And

that's what your main weapons are. You're thinking about hitting someone with your hands. You know, what are your hands doing all day? They ain't doing shit. They're carrying your purse and fingering yourself, right? That's not a lot of energy expended. You know what I mean? Your legs are carrying 150, 130, whatever the fuck you weigh. They're carrying that around all day. Your legs are ridiculously strong. It's like an ostrich. You get a hold of an ostrich wing.

What is that going to do? They don't even work. They'll kick a fucking hole in your chest. Those big, meaty ostrich thighs. Those R. Crumb looking. Remember R. Crumb? You know who R. Crumb is? The comic book artist?

Yeah. He used to draw all those women with those big, giant ostrich asses. Awesome. He's what a weird artist. You ever see that movie? That Crumb, you know who R. Crumb is, the comic book artist? Yeah, one of my favorites. He used to draw all those women with those big giant ostrich asses. Awesome. He's what a weird artist. You ever see that movie, that Crumb movie? Yeah, it's fascinating, man. Fascinating movie. Did you watch the Super Bowl?

Of course not. I don't give a fuck about football. Did you sleep? I didn't even know who won. Not only did I not know who won, I didn't even know who was in it until after it was over. I had no idea. I am completely, blissfully unaware of football. I don't get it.

But what I did get was that Christina Aguilera fuck up with the national anthem. Oh, I love when someone fucks up. I don't know why. And look, if it was me, I would be embarrassed too. But there's something about every one of us that loves when someone fucking chokes. How do you, like, I know nerds and stuff,

but you're a singer. So how do you fuck up the one song that everybody knows? You ready? Yeah. She's fat. Oh. That's why. You can't look forward to the next needle.

She was thinking of hamburgers. Listen, bitch. You ain't tricking anybody by wearing black. It ain't dark out. Okay? We see a large black object on our screen. She's thinking Baconator, Baconator, Baconator. What are you doing?

I understand divorce is hard on everybody, sweetie. That's good. But you've got like a billion dollars and you need to hire a fucking trainer. Eat some vegetables every now and then. Now, did she fuck up once or twice? I don't know the words to the national anthem, but it was definitely wrong. All right. Let's listen to it.

Yeah, let's listen to it. She apparently fucked up the lyrics And switched it around And repeated lyrics and some shit You could look over and see football players in the audience And they were mouthing I think she fucked up To honor America

Listen to this guy's fake voice That guy should be at a strip club in Ohio Coming to the stage He'd be the king, though. He'd be the king of all strip club DJs. Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light Right there. No, this is still okay. This is still according to script.

I'm reading the lyrics. Yeah, that's good. That's when she fucked up. Or the Ramparts we watched. Oh, she fucked up. She said that twice! Yeah. Oh my god, she fucked up hard, dude. That's still okay She just fucked up that part Yeah

Over the ramparts Yeah She repeated herself twice. Or repeated herself once. You gotta think about the song. I mean, this is talking about bombs going off in the sky. It's a ridiculous song. We are such cocksuckers.

The United States. I always say the United States is the balls of the dick that's fucking the world. That's what we are as citizens in this crazy, ridiculous rocket shooting fucking... We got rockets in our own lyrics. The national anthem has rockets in it. And bombs. Back then we were fighting for our freedom, Joe. We're talking about the glare of rockets.

The red glare. The the glare of rockets. The red glare. The red glare of rockets. Like so many rockets that it changed the night. You already did that one. Did it twice, fella. How sad is that? That poor girl fucked up like that. That's pretty rough.

Dude, people realized it too. But they still cheered. I wonder if she got off going, I wonder if anybody knew Going I wonder if anybody knew I wonder if anybody knew Well I think how her Style of singing Like I couldn't even

Understand why she was like So much that I think I don't know I think that style Of singing sucks Yeah I don't like it

Rather change it Just put a bunch of Hit random pictures Yeah you can like What you like It's okay You know I'm not saying That I'm right and you're wrong

All I'm saying is I think it sucks I don't like it Yeah I think know i'm not saying that i'm right and you're wrong all i'm saying is i think it sucks i don't like it yeah i think that uh that style is that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like you're just showing me what you can do with your voice you know like like what what is that girl named natalie uh what the fuck's her name singer uh god damn it i know you're talking she's got a beautiful voice. Nicole? Natalie. I'll look it up on iTunes right here. She does it, but when she does it, she does it like, it's like she's not doing it like to try to, just to try to make her voice sound different.

She's like expressing herself a certain way. I think you should think about the words of the song and watch her. And if it accentuates the message of the song, then do it. Nelly Furtado. That's her name. Like, put on that song, I'm Like a Bird. Put it on. Just do it.

Who gives a shit? It's fucking serious. I want to hear this goddamn song because it's interesting. We have to edit this out. I'm sure they have some sort of intern system. They could find someone. You can go, hey, dude, there's some songs up in this bitch Why don't you go find them

Yeah But my point is That there's a difference between Someone who's got a beautiful voice And someone who's got a beautiful voice And they have to fucking show everybody You know it's like a dude Who's all oiled up

Wearing a tank top And walking around town It's like alright dude I know you work out Okay It's 30 degrees out Well up wearing a tank top and walking around town it's like all right dude i know you work out okay it's 30 degrees out well i got a tank top on okay you fucking dummy with your stupid voice yeah you got something there you would think that someone you know it's like uh stephen pressfield in the war of Art talking about professionals and not professionals. That's a not professional thing to do. Absolutely. It's to just

have to overdo something to show what you're capable of. A professional should show up, do the job, do it as good as you can, and go away. Absolutely. It's like someone who wants their guitar solo no matter what, even if it fucks up the song. Right. And there's a lot of that out there. Yeah. Because the guitar

solo is what gets you all that sweet pussy. It's just me. There's a spotlight on me. I hit that guitar and I just feel it. Like this and this girl's voice. This girl has a gorgeous voice. Cool video too. Yeah. She's a pretty girl.

And when she sings though, like you can you know that she's got this incredible range, but she's not using it to be a douche. She's using it like she's trying to make the song right. Yeah. Turn that up, Brian. Like that, man. That's beautiful. Listen to this. The way she sings bird, that bitch can sing. She's thinking about a bird, too. It's not, bird! It's real, man. It's not that bad. All right. All right. It's real, man.

It's not just flashy, show-busy horse shit. Even when she does that, you know, she stretches it out, but it makes sense, you know? She's a fucking professional. Are you listening, Christina? Put the fucking donuts down and go running. We're going to get this together, Hooker. It's not too late. It's not too late.

What are you, 30? Okay? Pull it together, whore. I'll date you. Brian will fuck up your life more than food ever could. I could look like your Jewish ex. You will be so stressed out, you will lose massive amounts of weight. I shouldn't have called her whore.

That was searching for a word. That's rude. I meant hooker, but I'd already already said it i bet she's awesome to hang out with you call a chick hooker and it's okay like shut up hooker you're just playing around but you say shut up whore you're like hey what are you doing hooker is like a funny word it is you know but it's the fucking same thing like girls call each other hooker all the time and it's funny you know i always always calling people hooker like in the audience too like someone yells him out i'm like shut up hooker sit the fuck down, too. If someone yells something out, I'm like, shut up, hooker. Sit the fuck down. But it doesn't really mean whore.

It means freak bitch. Sit the fuck down, you wacky broad. You know what I mean? But whore, so I apologize. Christina, don't let me make you eat more. Don't let me make you run to that fucking cupboard and start pulling out cookies. And if you listen to this podcast and you probably don't, let's be realistic.

But you never know, man. Never know. I mean, it is on the internet. But if you listen, we're just fucking around, right? Don't get upset. But it couldn't be funny if it wasn't true, okay? We've got to deal. We've all got to deal with our own little shortcomings in this life. And you like food and you don't like to work out.

We need to fucking rotate those. Need to rotate those. So, Chris, what's your new business about? It's open now, right? Last time you were on here, it wasn't open. You were talking about it. It was just about to start. So what is it?

So I basically took a need that I had. I'm a guy who parties hard, works hard, works out hard. Dude, you sound like the ultimate male. He's partying, he's a badass. You don't always sleep. On most people's counter, I just saw your counter,

there's tons of supplements. Like a ton. You have to take a bunch of different stuff. You have to put it all together. So what I created was basically a conglomeration of the best combination of ingredients I could and put it all together. So what I created was basically a conglomeration of the best combination of ingredients I could and put it in two pills, two different types of formulas.

So one formula is an antioxidant vitality formula, gives you a ton of energy without the caffeine, which further dehydrates you, causes bad shit in your body and starts eliminating the free radicals that are coming in. So you actually feel good and have more energy as you're going out. The other one, and so that's for like during a party or pre-party it's actually super good for working out too right um because it just makes you feel better and it doesn't get you all wired that's the day quill yeah that's basically it's called roll on yeah roll on and what's the name of your company on it labs and is it on it labs.com on it.com o. O-N-N-I-T dot com. And the other one's for the morning. O-N-I-T?

O-N-N. Double N's. You trick people, though. That's confusing. I know. Who's O-N-I-T? I don't know. That motherfucker is owning your business, man. We need to get another website.

That ain't going to work. That's going to fuck people up, dude. The double N? That double N's a mess. I'll have to remember it. You're going to lose money from that double N. Did you try onitlabs.comcom uh with one n i like the double well because i don't want it to be too literal you know like on it you're just trying to lose money it's like yahoo guy hates money i hate money he fucking hates money but so then there's a jewish manager

you hate money joseph you hate money so my manager manager says, oh, we did this show in Vegas this weekend. And, well, I shouldn't even talk about this. He's going to get mad if I talk about this. What? I can't say anything. I got to pull back. So Onnit Labs, so N-N-I-T. So it's Onnit.com.

And all this stuff is available right now for sale. So you can buy it. So shit that kills hangovers. Well, yeah. So the recovery formula is more focused on your brain. Because if you're not sleeping, if you're partying, doing anything, you're not restoring your serotonin, oxytocin, dopamine. All of the brain chemicals get restored during deep sleep.

If you're boozed up or if you're partying. And you can just restore those with pills or just help it a little bit? Well, you can help it quite a bit. Because 5-HTP is the building direct precursor to serotonin right when combined with b6 which is the catalyst which converts 5-htp to serotonin you can actually start rebuilding serotonin way faster otherwise it would take weeks to rebuild but if you blast out your serotonin you have the 5-htp with the vitamin b6 pyridoxine then you can actually recover your serotonin faster so that's why people feel bummed out after they haven't slept and or

yeah and they get cranky. This would be perfect for like if you're dancing with Molly. What? Hypothetically. If you were doing ecstasy or doing some kind of drug, that would be perfect for that. Dancing with Molly, you're talking about there's a type of ecstasy called Molly, right? Right, pure of that. Right.

And yeah, I mean obviously the product would work extremely well for that because not only is it restoring your serotonin which is actually what makes you feel good is the ecstasy releases too much serotonin in your body right also the other formulas are going to start mitigating the neurotoxicity associated with keeping your body at that kind of high level of reverberation where all your ht transmitters are just all blocked up and the serotonin is running wild which makes you you feel great, but it's doing some, it's doing a little bit of damage. Not like the, not like the F, you know, like the studies that said it fries your brain. What does it, what is, what does it do? Like the studies that say that ecstasy, well, those were actually, yeah, those were actually, it was mixed with methamphetamines. Okay. So it was a, it was a bad sample that they were using

and methamphetamines does that. It leaves holes in your brain? Well, that's kind of a metaphorical way, but it does serious, serious damage. You know, ecstasy from what, you know, there's actually a big study by Rick Strassman now on post-traumatic stress for MDMA. Really? And yeah, soldiers coming back from the war, they're all tweaked out. They can't trust anything. They're shaking and bombs are going off in their head when they hear something slam on a table. Right.

The MDMA, well, pure MDMA, I shouldn't call it it ecstasy that's kind of the street name for the drug but the pure mdma it creates an environment where you're trusting and loving of the universe again and so they're able to go relive some of these things and say okay that was war but you know what this isn't war like this is this is life life is good. There's beauty in this life. And really, with some of the studies coming back, they just did, I think, a 20-person study, got the results done. It's through MAPS, maps.org. Which is the Center for Psychedelic Studies. Rick Strathman's running it.

What does MAPS stand for? Multidisciplinary something, blah, blah, blah. Psychedelic Studies. Multidisciplinary association of psychedelic studies something like that um but yeah great study that came back but but what ecstasy will do is obviously it's very dehydrating so you don't wouldn't want to take any caffeine or anything like that because your body's trying to get rid of it uh just like any drug you take your body's trying to do that and when your body's trying to get rid of something you get dehydrated it's also

has some neurotoxicity associated i mean if you're going to be in that level of high reverberation free radicals are just going to be peeling out of your body so really yeah yeah i mean that's what it's that stress it's that kind of stress that's that's causing you know where'd you learn all this stuff did some research did some research on it you know i mean obviously the you know psychedelic research and a lot of this is is up my alley plus with the supplements just dealing with the formulas that that I have and seeing kind of the damage that a lot of people in my generation are going through who are partying hard. And, you know, some of them are doing drugs. I'm not advocating doing it, but a lot of people are doing it and they're doing it in a way that's really damaging their ability to move on with their life and, you know, handle

business as well as they should so you know while these formings aren't designed specifically for that they do obviously really help because it's just like that's like the ultimate level of putting a tax on your body during your party and with drugs i need to get like takes it to the other level so so the rollover formula has 5-htp directly converts the serotonin l-trypthan, which is actually the building block of 5-HTP, so it's more like a time release. Also, the same thing, it's in Thanksgiving turkey. It makes you kind of sleepy.

It kind of brings you down from any of your big, high experiences. I only did ecstasy once, and I decided right after I did it, this is probably not a good thing to do. Why? Because I felt terrible the next day. You need the recovery formula. I don't know. I think I need the whole box.

Well, there's a couple things happening you have neurotoxicity built up and you have low serotonin from what's from what's happened so um you know it can make you feel I wouldn't try this yeah totally I want to try this stuff too um I think it's fascinating this uh there's a whole new uh area of um interest these days and that's uh mind chemicals like mind uh vitamins what they call nootropics, a bunch of different substances that increase circulation to certain areas of your brain, increase the workload of certain areas of your brain. I love that stuff.

I think it's so amazing that people have figured out how to do that. It's really amazing how many different substances on this earth interact with the human body. I gave you guys some stevia we have coffee here instead of sugar we have stevia and stevia is just like this natural sweetener that doesn't have any calories and it doesn't fuck you up it doesn't jack your glucose levels or you know really yeah it's really good yeah it dissolves in dissolves in a cup of green tea yeah yeah and it's uh it's it's it's interesting that there's all these different things

like caffeine, things that jack up your chemistry and get you going. It's amazing how many different things there are that interact with us. And what's also very interesting is that the lobbies that try and block these things,

like Stevia, I don't know my facts exactly, but I know that the sugar lobby put up a big stink about Stevia, like a big stink. I'm sure. And it created some issues. Like, I don't think, like Coca-Cola in other countries, Diet Coke, uses stevia.

But in the U.S. Yeah, yeah. Coca-Cola. Nine percent sure that Coke uses stevia. I know there are some sodas that use it. I definitely know that. But they don't use it here in the U.S. just because there's such a stink about it here that the sugar lobby's done. Hillary Clinton was asked yesterday about, let me in the U.S. just because there's such a stink about it here. Hillary Clinton. The sugar lobby's done.

Hillary Clinton was asked yesterday about, let me find the article so I can, because it's so ridiculous. It just shows what the fuck is wrong with this country. Yeah, Mexican Coca-Cola is in bottle. You can buy out in L.A. And they use real cane sugar still in Mexico. So when you have like a Coke in the bottle out here in L.A., it's so weird tasting it. Because it kind of remembers, you kind of remember as a kid drinking it and tasting it. Here's what Hillary Clinton said.

They were talking to her about the war in Mexico and drugs. And this just goes to show you how fucked up the drug lobbyists in this country are and the pharmaceutical lobbyists and how much influence they have. We can't legalize drugs because there's just too much money in it. That's what she said. This is an exact quote. You know? I hear the same debate. I hear it in my country.

It's not likely to work. There's just too much money in it. I don't think that. You can legalize small amounts for possession, but those who are making so much money selling, they have to be stopped. Oh, you mean like pharmaceutical companies pushing Oxycontins in Florida

like they're fucking Kit Kats? Is that what you mean? And it's so dirty how they do it, too. Like even L-tryptophan. L-tryptophan is, you know, it's going to boost your serotonin. A lot of those drugs, Prozac, Paxil, all these things, they fall in a category called SSRIs, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. And all of those drugs are basically operating on your serotonin mechanism, giving you more

serotonin. Well, L-tryptophan 5-HTP does this naturally. They give us one bad batch of L-tryptophan that came in from Japan. It was tainted. It had some bacteria that grew in it. Like it could happen to fucking vitamin C, whatever. They logged on to that and just started pounding the FDA until the FDA outlawed it for like 10, 12 years until finally people were like, this is ridiculous.

Stuff helps you relax, helps you sleep, builds serotonin. But the drug lobbies have just huge power. You know what I mean? Huge power to be able to alter things. It's incredible that she would answer this that way without the obvious, but obviously there's a lot of other drugs that are illegal in this country like alcohol and tobacco that cause a lot of damage. I mean, they don't even look at the whole picture when they're answering. They're so used to people not completely questioning them. You're right there,

fella. Yeah. There's something going on with their mics. They started echoing or something. There's, there's, there's some, there's an arrogance to these type of answers, you know, that you're, you're supposed to be the person with the answer. Someone asks you a question and here's your answer. And you know, logically that this answer is ridiculous because it discounts all the money that you get from drug companies, from pharmaceutical companies. What about all the money you get from alcohol companies and tobacco companies? What, what about all that money? Where, where's that? What, how does that factor into your thing? Well, it doesn't, they just stop the conversation. And it's like, it's, it's a sickness. It's a sickness that we allow this.

It's a sickness that politicians can say retarded shit like that and not just be blasted all over the news for being hypocrites. I mean, what they should have on CNN tonight is Hillary Clinton's quote and then all the fucking money she got when she was running for president. How much of it is connected to pharmaceutical companies and how much of it was connected to alcohol companies. Where's the lobbyists? Who's paying them? What has she voted for in the past? What has she tried to keep legal? You know, come on, man.

You fucking criminals. You dirty, stinky, corrupt criminals. Every one of you fucks. If you're not screaming in the streets, you're a fucking crook. I've gotten pretty fired up on the same topic recently. And I just got a found a video from milton friedman who is a pretty famous libertarian and economist um and he was actually talking it's just a real breath of fresh air to listen to him because he's quoting uh john stewart

mill the philosopher basically saying like the only right the government has to impose on our freedom is if we're hurting somebody else. Like the bottom line, period. Like no other statements. And the video that I actually have on my site is Milton Friedman talking about seatbelt and helmet laws. And he's saying, I mean, he's saying like, this was a litmus test, the seatbelt and helmet laws of the government imposing their will upon people.

And nobody really cares that much about those laws. But he's like, this is a sign of what they're doing. They're saying they know better than you what's good for you and they're going to make you do this he said it's your fully your right to wear it should be fully your right to wear no helmet on your on your motorcycle like it's not going to hurt anybody else yeah it's a stupid risk you shouldn't do it it's not advocating wearing no helmets but that's your right and the government has no fucking business telling you otherwise it's like you you telling Brian that he has to wear a helmet. And if he doesn't, you're going to lock him in a cage.

Yeah. There's really no difference between you and the government. I mean, you know, other than the fact that supposedly the government is supposedly elected to represent you, which gets very questionable. It's very, very fucking gross. Yeah. God damn it. and gross yeah god damn it but you know the other point is too that if you're if you create all these laws that people find is immoral you know they begin to distrust the whole system like you you have to follow these laws like people don't look at police as they should like police should be

saviors you know like oh thank god the police are here right you know you're having a party everybody's happy things are good you're like fuck, there's a fucking police outside. You know, it's like when you create a system like that, that's when things get fucking twacked. There's a cop in Los Angeles that claimed to have gotten shot outside of a school. And he was apparently bullshit the entire time. And they went this massive manhunt looking for this guy who shot the cop. And he gave a description and everything.

It was a white male with a fucking gray ponytail. You know, you're thinking some crazy biker type character, right? Turns out it was just complete fabrication. This guy... Now, did he shoot himself? I don't know. They didn't find a bullet or anything? They're investigating, so I don't think they've made an official statement.

But the official statement is that the cop has admitted that he lied, that no one really shot him. So what the fuck, man? And apparently it cost $500,000 for this manhunt. And that's only what it cost the state because I was trapped in that traffic. And I was like an hour and a half out of my schedule for the day. That's a good point, right? How many people lost money?

How many deals didn't get closed? How many things didn't? Eventually you're going to be able to have something in your car, just like that iTalk shit on your iPhone, where if you're stuck in traffic, you're going to be able to press a button and have a fucking direct conference video call with people. You know, they're going to be right there looking right at you, you know, like so you can have a meeting in your car. That's how it should be now. That's how auditions should be now. Why not, man? I fucking love having calls in my car, man.

That's the number one reason why i went to verizon i went to verizon over at&t was because i had the iphone i fucking drive around man my phone just would cut off left and right it would piss me off it would drive me nuts yeah at&t is bad here verizon fucking almost never cuts off man it's amazing yeah i mean it's it's like it's so much better it's not it's not better or 30% better. It's like 50% or 60% better. AT&T was just cutting out everywhere. Verizon might fuck up every now and then. You go through some weird hilly area or something where there's no signal period. But AT&T was brutal.

And my car, when I get in, it's got that Bluetooth thing where it syncs up. And then the voice comes through the speakers. So you can have some pretty cool conversations. And you're not taking your hands off the wheel. It's just like someone's in the car with you. You're having a fun conversation. It makes driving so much more interesting by yourself. But fucking 18 to each, can't pull it off.

Supposedly Verizon with this new iPhone is actually teetering your download speeds because that's how they're trying to, I guess... They're regulating it. Yeah. What is the word? Staggering it? Staggering it? Staggering it. Yeah.

Whatever the word is, if they find out that you use a lot, they're going to cut your shit down. And then you'll have half the download speed or whatever, a fraction of the download speed that you had before. That's annoying. That is annoying. You know what else is annoying? That it's a world phone and that they don't have that part activated. Yeah. Because I have a BlackBerry with Verizon.

I thought about using the iPhone for Verizon, but with the UFC, I'm always traveling to England and traveling around the world. I've got to go to Australia in a couple of weeks. I couldn't deal with having no phone over there. That would annoy the shit out of me. But they don't have it. You think that they're going to activate it later?

Maybe it's just something that they're waiting on Apple to get the software part put in there somehow? I don't know what the fuck it is, man. It's kind of annoying. Yeah, it seems weird that it's in the phone, but you can't use it. It makes no sense at all. Hey, Chris, we can hear you peeing, man. It's not peeing.

It's your waterfall. They put doors on bathrooms for a reason. So what didn't you want to talk about in Vegas? Can I tell you what happened to me in Vegas? Yeah, yeah. Tell me about the hooker store. Oops. Sorry.

Yeah. I forgot. I forgot that about the hooker story. Whoops. Sorry. Yeah. I forgot. I forgot that that was the whole story. That was what was funny about it. But just tell me the story anyway. So we were out. This is what happens. Let me tell you something.

What happens? We were all drunk and it was three o'clock in the morning or whatever the fuck it was. I'm laying in my hotel room, conked out, and my phone starts vibrating and it's Brian. Yeah. And so what happened to me is we all separated after the bars, and we went to our separate hotel or separate elevators or whatever. So I get in an elevator, and right before it closes, this girl does the arm thing to get in the elevator.

So I'm like, oh, hey. She was this girl that looked just like Kim Kardashian, a little bit taller than me, fucking wearing a nice dress, tan,, just look really like rich, I guess. And just top, top of the line shelf girl. I have to comment real quick. How many girls say they look like Kim Kardashian on like Facebook? Don't I look like Kim Kardashian? So I hit 10. I was on floor 10 and she hit nine. Then she starts texting and just not paying attention. I was just looking at her texting and and just not paying attention i was just looking at her tits wasn't paying attention she the door opened and shut and then right when

it was shutting she goes fuck i missed my floor and i just jokingly because i was so wasted i had the balls of this i jokingly said you can crash in my room and then she goes she looks at me for like a couple seconds goes okay and then we the door opens, and I'm like in shock. I'm like, she's not, you know, she's fucking with me. I get out of the elevator. She just follows me out. My room was right down there. Started walking.

She's just following me. We're not talking. We're not saying anything. I just look over at her. I'm smiling. She's like smiling at me. And then I open my door up. The door opens.

It shuts. She fucking immediately pushes me against the wall, grabs my dick, starts making out with me just for like a good minute or so. So what's going through your head right at that point? It's like, don't fuck this up. Don't fuck this up. What's going on? Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

This is awesome. I'm making out with a girl that I have to be on my tippy toes to make out with. And then she goes, $1,000 if you want to play. And I was like, oh, I thought you were a real girl. Did you say that to her? Yeah. It was the one right when I said it. I'm like, oh, that sounded bad.

And then she goes, no, honey, no. And she goes, all right, that's cool. And I'm like, oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I thought you were just a real girl. And then she goes, no problem. A real girl. And then she goes, here's one for the road or something like that and then she just starts making out with me again and i'm

thinking like do i pay her five bucks for that and then i'm also thinking i'm also thinking like thousand dollar hookers that's like top grade hooker that's not like a normal mandalay bay hooker right that's like a that's like charlie sheen hooker it could have easily been her first time being a hooker and she's just a crazy bitch right i mean she's gonna be crazy so fucking hot though i think she was just a high class one that happened to be just got done blowing jay-z and then and you know what's crazy is her her mouth tastes like red bull and socks and i remember thinking that like like wow did she just drink her red bull and after blowing something and then and then after that happened i called joe and i can't believe this happened and then i'm thinking like do i like run down Joe, and I was like, I can't believe this happened.

And then I'm thinking, do I run down the hall and tell her, hey, after you work, if you want to just spoon-late her or something. I'm thinking all these gay thoughts. We don't have to do anything because I don't have the money, but if you want to hang out, hey, I'm cool. That is hilarious. And what's crazy is this girl that I'm dating here and there, when I came back, I'm making out with her. And she goes, all right, so you didn't kiss anyone but that hooker this weekend, right? I'm like, that's worse. I could kiss five miscellaneous girls, but I kissed one hooker.

You okay with that because the story's funny? Dude, don't complain. Just accept the gift the universe has given you. Don't complain Vegas was fucking awesome Thank you to everybody Who came out The show was sold out

We did that That was awesome Giant theater The Mandalay Bay Theater That's the biggest place I've ever done in Vegas It was like 1,700 seats It was awesome

Yeah, that was good How did it feel To be on stage? Because it seemed like That's hard To grab a whole theater I mean, this was like Where you see the play Cats This is not just a theater This is a whole theater i mean this was like where you see the uh the play

cats this is not just a theater this is a huge theater well it was uh the lion king it's where the lion king is not cats the lion king is actually entertaining right cats is done everybody realized that cats is a scam about five years ago what the fuck are we watching did girl take me to see cats once when i was like fucking 19 i was dating this girl she took me and i was 19 i was a a wild monkey all right i was a savage i couldn't sit down and watch something stupid like cats and i was sitting i don't know sitting there and it was an hour and a half and then it stops and you get an intermission and i'm like get your shit there's nowhere we're staying just get your shit and we're gonna go right we're not. Just get your shit and we're going to go. We're not going to watch these fucking people parade around in a

cat outfit. This is a terrible show. It's terrible. Cats was one of those things. That is just a mind-numbing assault on your attention span. By the time you get done, if you take a girl to see Cats, by the time you're done, your self-esteem is so low you can barely get it up to fuck her

because you've just been abused by some terrible entertainment. And then you finally go, what the fuck is wrong with her that she likes this? And why am I with her? And what am I doing with my life? These are the type of people that I'm hanging out with. Someone who likes cats. You're fascinated by these fucking retards prancing around in giant catsuits.

First of all, they don't look anything like cats. They look like people with stupid outfits on. Anyway, the Lion King is nothing like this. The Lion King is actually exciting. We were in the Lion King Theater. It's Mandalay Bay Theater. It's where they show the Lion King. But it was huge.

It was like 1,700 seats. Giant fucking room. Did you feel like you had to change your style anyway? No, I've done a bunch of big rooms before. The place I do in Edmonton, when I do it in Canada, that's more than 2,000 people. The place I did in Calgary, that was like 2,000 people or 1,800 people. Toronto was somewhere around that. The next one we're doing in Toronto.

Tickets are going to go on sale soon. I know everybody keeps asking me about Toronto. I think they go on sale this Friday. But it's a theater in Toronto, and uh it's like 2500 seats so i'll tell you all about that shit there's a secret link too that i just got sent i don't know if you're allowed to tweet that link or if well no because it's not they're not up yet right what's the name of the theater uh it would seem like they're the different experience would be doing like full coliseum yeah yeah well that's almost impossible to connect with people.

But I feel like you can still connect with people if there's a, you know, I think like you can get a couple thousand people. And if they're cool, everybody can have a good time and you're still in the groove. But, you know, you get to like some, I heard like Larry the Cable Guy does like football stadiums. He does like 50,000 people. That's insane. Wrap your head around that shit, son. Just wrap your head around that. Massey Hall in Toronto.

That's where it is. And that'll be on April the 29th. Like I said, tickets, I think, go on sale on Friday. But 50,000 people he does. The whole fucking football stadium filled with Larry the Cable Guy fans. That's impossible to connect to those people. I mean, you hope you do. You get the people in the front and you lock eyes with them

and keep the party rolling. But, yeah, there's not a lot of room for ad-libbing and fucking around. Here's the show, bang, bang, bang. You've got to bust it out in as short and tight an order as possible. The best thing about small clubs, like we're going to do Sal's Comedy Hole in L.A. this weekend. Brian's going to do it too. Brian does it all the time.

And it's on Melrose, a real intimate place. When it's filled, I think it only gets like 70 or 80 people. They're expanding it. He bought the place really recently. Sal used to have a place on La Brea. It was another small place, like 100 or so. And what he did was he bought a new place, and then with the new place,

he's expanding the back area, and then it's going to be like a 300-seater. But for right now, it's like really small. And Sal, you know, he's got this, it's just a sweet setup. He always does open mics all the time. Every day. Yeah, it's always like promoting comedy

and trying to get like young comics to really get into it and you know and help them out one of my friends from south park he's making a movie uh called serial comic and uh it's about a comic that it's like mixed with dexter and he's never done stand-up comedy and so i was hanging out with him last night and he's like you know because i'm doing this movie i think i need to know what it feels like and so him and the other guy went on stage and did their first stand-up out of the blue like no material and they did good for the first time with no material just going up i told him like just tell a funny story just tell some stories that's happened to you you know and try to do it on stage they both did now they're they're addicted to it now they're like

immediately like fucking first hit if you do good man, man, you do good, you get that bug. Next thing you know, shit gets crazy. It's real. There's a difference in doing a large audience, but it's not a bad difference. It's good for a show, like a special, like doing a special. Like I want to do one special at least where I do it in a comedy club because the last one I did in a big theater. I think when you do a special, though, it's really kind of got to be here's the jokes, here's the jokes, not that much fucking around, here's the jokes. You know, it's like it's not the same as like a live audience.

They appreciate, you know, more fucking around and ad-libbing and it's like it's like a looser, more open thing. But in transmitting it to a DVD, it really should be the material kind of as it's written. So the difference is that if you're doing a big theater, you just don't feel like you have as much slack. When you're in a little seat, a little 100-seater, it's like a little tight, intimate club. You feel like there's no pressure. We're all just fucking around having a good time. Whereas if it's like 2,000 people. It's like, okay, I'm here to do a show.

You're going to get ramped up. Like Joey. Joey came out guns blazing. Yeah, that was crazy. Joey knew it was a show. He destroyed. He slaughtered. I mean, people were fucking pissing.

I fell down. I fell down laughing. I said that, you know, I told him after the show. I told a bunch of people. I think that's the funniest I've ever seen anybody do. I don't think I've ever seen anybody kill. Rose to the occasion. Yeah, 15 minutes of just destruction.

Just went out there and Hulk smashed. Hulk smashed. It was pretty badass. But yeah, Joey knows how to do those kind of rooms. He just goes out there

and hits them with his best shit over and over and over again. But the theater was badass. It's fucking really big. And so we're going to do it again on July 3rd, I think it is. July 3rd? Yeah.

I think that's what it is. Yeah, it's whatever the next, there's going to be a weekend, and whatever the Friday is. July 2nd? So it's July 1st, because July 2nd is the UFC. It's July 4th weekend. But July 4th is Monday. So I'll be there on the 1st, July 1st.

You know which kind of show? I don't know if you guys have ever seen it, but in the big stadiums, I talked to a hypnotist actually. And he was saying the bigger the stadium, it seems like that would be hard to do, like hypnotize someone with all that pressure, but the bigger the stadium, like the easier the people go to sleep. Whoa. Somehow. Yeah. Like it's, it's inverse. I think it's like the opposite. Yeah. Well, I think it's, there's just this, I don't know. I mean, for whatever reason, I don't know.

I can't deeply delve into the psychology of it. But somehow that type of environment. And they get these people on stage, which is unbelievable to me because I can't imagine being hypnotized personally myself. That's incredible. But they'll go right out. And then obviously they do all that kind of that kind of wacky stuff but those shows are pretty interesting to me that you know they can take somebody in that environment where they're already nervous and like people are watching me holy shit and put them right the fuck out you know why because some people are weak some people are supposed to be like well and then they do short

circuit some people are supposed to be led they do subtly take the people out who aren't falling asleep and they just go away. So they start with 12, they end with, you know, eight. It's amazing how they know. You know, I used to do shows back in Boston with this guy named Frank Santos. He was the R-rated hypnotist and he had a killer fucking show. He used to do it at Stitch's Comedy Club. And when I first saw it, I was 21.

I was totally skeptical. I was like, there's no way this guy's going to hypnotize all these people. 20 minutes into it, you know absolutely 100% that these these people are hypnotized and the crazy thing is this guy like mumbles like francis he's talking like this how's everybody doing ladies and gentlemen okay i'm gonna count to three and i'm about three you're gonna go to sleep one two three click bitches are asleep and like what the fuck i barely understood what this guy said but meanwhile he's running around touching oh your boobies your boobies are so happy you. You're going to play with them right now. You're going to play with your boobies. And chicks would just start playing with their tits.

Yeah, and he would say, you right now, you, my friend, you have a raging erection. Whoa, you can't even believe it. You can't believe your erection. The guy looks down at his erection and he goes, and who's underneath you right now? Madonna! This was like 1980s when you didn't jump away in disgust and horror.

You know, those fucking veiny monster dick arms. She's got like dicks for arms. That's what they look like. They look like someone's hard dick. Madonna? Madonna's arms. The head is their deltoid or what are we talking about? Dicks, because they're all veiny and fucking weird and sinewy and shit.

They look like a raging dick. She's got raging dick arms. But anyway, he would do this bit. Madonna's underneath you. And guys would nut in their pants. She'd give it to you, give it to you. And you're going to come. Oh. And the guy would like lay there like this and you'd go, get the fuck out. And you realize that guy just nutted in his pants. No way. Oh, a hundred percent, dude. For sure.

Dude, Frank Santos is a master. He still does. He still does shows. Yeah. On the East Coast around Boston and Rhode Island. I think he's originally from Providence, Rhode Island. And he did, he used to have shows, he used to book shows too. He was one of the first guys I actually headlined for. He headlined me and he had this little room that he did in Rhode Island. Really, really great guy.

But he was the funniest hypnotist too because he was always like really dirty, ridiculous shit that he would make these people do. But when it was over, you know, he'd wake them up and snap them out of it. The look on their face, they didn't have a fucking clue. It was like Eddie Bravo after a night of Jack Daniels. It was just fucking, who? Where am I? Whose clothes are these?

I bet his sex life is awesome. Eddie Bravo? No, no, the hypnotist. Because he just hypnotized the shit? Yeah. That's funny you said that, because there was a guy who was a hypnotist slash comedian at the comedy store, and he just hypnotized the shit? Yeah. That's funny you said that because there was a guy who was a hypnotist slash comedian

at the comedy store and he was really gross. He was kind of a creepy dude who at one point in time was like kind of funny like back in the 80s but something happened along the way and he never really hit

and he was always kind of stuck around and went up to him like cruises and weird shit. So now he's like in his 50s and not successful and creepy and really not funny. He would go ons and not successful and creepy and really not funny he would go on stage and not be funny but he was always trying to hypnotize bitches that

was his move and so one time i was at the comedy store like one of the last times i was there and i went to the cover booth to ask something and he was in the corner with his chick and all i heard was no i'm not gonna let you hypnotize me well that's the thing like you have like apparently trust is a huge you can't just go around hypnotizing random people. He was trying. He was just swinging. No, he was asking, let me hypnotize you. Let me hypnotize you.

They gotta accept it. I wonder if a drowning my dick is a reed. You're in the lake. There's only one way to breathe. It starts biting it. I need to eat. Like a reed from those Missing in Action movies, remember? They would always hide from the Viet Cong by grabbing the reed

and they would go under and breathe through the reed. But bitch, try breathing through a fucking reed when your heart's beating 150 beats a second. Snorkels are hard.

Jesus Christ. God damn it. You can't breathe through a fucking reed. I tried breathing for a snorkel, a shitty one that I bought at some convenience store

and it was terrible. Yeah, not the easiest. It's claustrophobic, man. And if you added about another foot and a half to a snorkel,orkel be nearly impossible just because of the heaviness of the air oh really yeah that's what does it it's the compression of the air even under a little bit of water like so i guess 30 feet is an entire atmosphere i believe of pressure like it doubles your whole atmosphere so whatever varying degrees of that but that's what makes it so hard it's

because you're sucking you know heavier air through that through that uh that's heavy yeah well it's just hard breathing through first of all it's hard through it too and and for the longest time i used to have to only breathe through my mouth because my nose was busted up but i got my nose fixed they opened it up and now i could breathe through my nose and my mouth and i'm like oh sweet oxygen come to me and so when i'm in the the water with that shitty scuba thing, I was like, this is fucking gross. Just breathing only out of your mouth again. It's annoying. You get a bit claustrophobic.

You get a little claustrophobic and you also realize how you need your nose to fucking breathe with. I have friends that have not had that operation, the deviated septum operation, and they're due to fucked up noses. I'm like, bro, get that shit fixed, man. I'm telling you. And some guys are like, well, I'm just going to break it again anyway, like fighters. And I'm like, so what? Break it again anyway. Trust me. Get it fixed. Get it fixed now. Cause you know, you don't realize how much more you can breathe out of your fucking nose when your nose works. You know, you got like 30% more cardio that way. And you smell farts way better. And I always knew when Brian was smoking, this motherfucker, he'd tell us he quit smoking. I'm like,

bitch, I smell cigarettes. Damn you and your new nose. Yeah, I know. It sucks. Vegas was fun, though. We had a good goddamn time. That was the best time we ever had. That was the best audience we ever had in Vegas, too, for sure. Right? Don't you think? Oh, yeah, definitely. It was great.

But what was even better was Ari and Joey Diaz at the UFC. Oh oh yeah that's right ari and joey dropped acid at the ufc and they kept on like saying they're gonna dose me the whole weekend like you're either gonna take it or i'm gonna dose you and you're not gonna know about it so you choose what you want impression that's i didn't want to yell it but listen cocksucker well now that we have these we have these puff shields because people are complaining about our P's. What are they called? Pop shields? Pop shields or something.

We're fucking professional folks. We've reached the next evolution of this fucking thing. I like to hide behind them. But Joey and Ari, by the time we went to dinner, right after the fights, they were fucking blasted. Just glassy eyed. And what's funny is, a couple times ago, UFCs ago, there was this time when I think it was one of the first times I ever went to the UFC with Ari.

And Ari was, like, dropping down on the ground. He was being so emotional about the whole thing. And he's like, oh, by the way, I never told you this, but that time I was on ecstasy. And I'm like, well, that makes sense. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What UFC did he take ecstasy on? It was the one where what's his name? With the short

guy with the long hair. Clay Guida? Yeah, his mom was sitting on one side on the ground crying because they were fighting. And Ari was on the other side on the ground going like acting really weird. Must have been Diego Sanchez? I can't imagine

Clay Guida. No, Clay Guida. No, it wasn't that fight because that fight was at the Palms. No, this was in Vegas. It was in Vegas? It was in Vegas. Was it the big arena? No, it was the small arena.

Oh, so it was at the Palms because I can't imagine his mom crying. Oh, so it must have been that one. Yeah, so his mom's freaking out on one side and Ari's freaking out on the other side. And I always thought, wow, I never went to a UFC with Ari. But, man, he's really into the UFC.

He's like a 1940s. Like, he would sit there and be like, yes, like, yes. Like, I was thinking, like, wow, he's that. You guys didn't go to very many at the Palms. That might have been one of the only ones you've ever went to there, right? No, I've been to about five at the Palms. Have you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, was it the Hard Rock? I'm confusing. Yeah, I've never been to the Hard Rock. Okay. we used to do them at the hard rock you know yeah the palms is the best place to see yeah it's my favorite the best place for the ufc yeah there's not a bad seat in the house no it's awesome and even though like the first level it's like perfect height yeah you know i fucking wish they were all at the palms the only thing that sucks is that well it's awesome for the people that are in the back that little back area like behind these like most of the seats are facing one side of the octagon.

And then there's just some bleachers on the other side of the octagon, which is like the dopest seats ever. Which is where they sit like rock stars and shit. But it's only like, how many thousands of seats? Four? Four thousand? It's not much.

It's fucking incredible, man. It's incredible. I believe it. Super intimate, too. They do comedy shows there. Cat Williams does comedy shows there. So he was on Ecstasy at this time Yeah that time And so that explains it

Is this when Todd Duffy was in your way And you wanted him to move And no one could get him to move Yeah I think that was that He's like standing up Right in front of Brian's seat Screaming come on

Get off the fence Yeah he's one of those guys That just stood up the whole fight Like you don't stand up the whole fight If something crazy happens Sure everyone stands up together Kind of thing Even though that's annoying But he stood up the whole fight yeah like you don't stand up the whole fight if something crazy happens sure everyone stands up together kind of thing even though that's annoying but he he stood up the whole fight in front of me and i'm not going to say anything to the guy but but that wasn't the fight that this was one where we were sitting like in the front row almost like

on on regular chairs okay so you guys got the sweet seats yes sweet seats but and so then i always thought ever since then i'm like wow i never knew ari loved the ufc that much that's really crazy by the way those seats on the floor are not as good right no no one above is the best yeah one above is the best and even like this last one we actually had the second one like front roasts but the second tear right and it was perfect because you we just kind of like looked over the the whole ring it was like you nothing was in the way no cameraman were in the way when they hit the ground you could see the ground so Nothing was in the way. No cameramen were in the way. When they hit the ground, you could see the ground. It was awesome. The floor is like the pimp

spot. You're like, I'm on the floor, bitch! But it's really not. It's a good showy spot. It's actually deep in the floor. Right front row floor. The only good thing about the floor is looking at Jenna Jameson the whole time. She's way on fire! Tito in his really fancy suit. Anybody who hasn't been to UFC, though, it's a the floor is looking at jenna jameson the whole time or whoever you know she brings with you in

his really fancy suit anybody who has been to ufc though it's a it's a kick-ass event there's nothing like it i mean it's you think like you watch them on tv but it's different when you're there like it is coliseum yeah he texted me in the middle of it in the middle of it while he was on acid he goes how is this not like rome in theosseum? He texted me while he was blasted on acid. And I thought it was an interesting text. But we always think this. We always say this. I said, right, word.

That's what I said back to him. But then if I had known that he was on acid, he should have said, by the way, I'm on acid. They don't want me to tell you until, I don't know why, but they were like, okay, you can tell Joe now. And so I told you. Probably because they were worried about me talking about it on the air. Yeah. Joey Diaz were like, okay, you can tell Joe now. And so I told you the last half hour. Joey Diaz and Ari Shafir

are on acid right now. Enjoy your replay. But it was funny because the whole time, Ari's tears in his eyes, so emotional. That's kind of how it should be, a little bit, though. When the graphics came on, he was just like, oh, this is so great.

I wouldn't take it because, to me, I've done acid a thousand times. But it's like to me, acid is nature. Acid is being with your friends camping. Acid is sitting on your couch watching Pink Floyd, The Wall. It's not in a coliseum with thousands of crazy fucking people. I think actually mushrooms could be fun. Moments to make up a dull day. I think mushrooms could actually be better than acid

because that's kind of more of a transmutable feeling. I mean, obviously, the Vikings would take mushrooms and berserkers before they would go into war. You can really maneuver it around. The Vikings were really into the Amanita muscaria. That was their shit. That was it. Which is a weird mushroom, man.

Berserkers would get all hopped up on that and were invincible. Yeah, that's a tricky ass mushroom to get right apparently i did it once and it was not good didn't work it gave me a weird effect but then we mixed it up with cubensis mushrooms and it was a blast off yeah like somehow the two of them together just went yeah but the amanita muscaria by itself is very tricky apparently it varies not just genetically but geographically and seasonally. So it's like you've got to get the right strain from the right part of the world.

I found some on my property in Colorado when I was up there. And I was like, I'm not even going to take this. It's probably not even going to be worth it. You can acquire it immediately, actually. I know what it is. It's pretty clear. Really? Yeah, there's no doubt.

When you see an Amanita Muscaria, you know what the fuck it is. Big red cap. Big red cap looks like Santa Claus. It is Santa Claus. Don't just go eating any red cap. It's so tempting when you see a mushroom in your backyard, like one of those big poofy ones. You just want to cook it. They do look delicious, right?

Unless you have a cow pasture back there. Yeah, you better know your shit, son. Mushrooms are dangerous. The only good ones grow out of cow shit. And there's some that look very close to psychedelic mushrooms that give you just irreversible liver damage. Some of them that just fuck you. Mushrooms are so weird, man. Like some of them are super nutritious and other ones will just fucking crush you.

Some do all kinds of stuff. Like the reishi mushroom gives you a lot of good energy and stuff from it. It's not psychedelic and not just nutritional. Health-wise, like chaga, the chaga mushroom is really good. I started taking that recently. I can imagine. If I was at the greatest moment for me was the Rampage Chuck Liddell buildup. The fight wasn't obviously that good, but that moment in that ring was fucking unreal.

Just the energy that was built up. Just people had someone they wanted to win for that fight. What's the biggest fight you've ever seen? Was that it? That was probably the biggest, I would say. I mean, for me, I've seen some, yeah, I'd have to say that was it. People cared the most about that one, I think. You're going to have to come for Brock Lesnar, Junior Dos Santos.

Yeah. That's going to be chaos. I saw Brock beat a UFC 100. Who was that? Was that Mir? Yeah, it was Mir. There's a rematch. I saw that one.

That was big. That was a good event, but there's nothing so magical as the next big one. There's a few big ones coming up, man. You've got to go to that one, though. Brock and Junior Dos Santos. I don't know when it's scheduled for. When's GSP next? He's in Toronto. He's going to be fighting in April

against Jake Shields. That's a good fucking fight. He wins that, he gets Anderson, right? Yeah. Good luck. What a prize. I would go with... I would fucking slip on a banana peel on the way to the locker room. I would go with GSP.

I sent you that text. The amazing thing is I kick front kicks, and I have a little tag on my bag, and I can sometimes kick the K or whatever like that in the letters. But the way his accuracy in a fight where people are moving, and he wrapped all five toes around Vitor's chin just perfectly. Didn't even sprain a toe doing a front kick. I've never seen anybody get knocked out with a front kick before. After that, a couple people sent me

some videos. There's one from K1 Max. Some Japanese guy landed a badass front kick right to the jaw. Same thing. Knocked the dude out cold. Guy fell back like he got shot. His was actually better than the Vitor one because Vitor wasn't totally out. Vitor was moving still. This guy just, bam, just fell back like he got shot.

Front kick right to the jaw. It's just so hard to land on people. The guy in K-1 Max, though, he threw a gang of them to the body first. He threw a bunch of them to the body over and over again and then just shucked one up to the face and caught the dude perfectly in the jaw and knocked him unconscious. Yeah, I've never seen any in all the MMA fights that I've called. I've called over 1,000 fights. I've never seen a front kick to the jaw knockout yeah usually when someone front

kicks someone in the face they just knock their head back yeah it's kind of a yeah it's like the flat yeah the flat of their foot he's got some whip in that in that that was a front snap kick that was karate style push kicks or just kind of move someone back, but he whipped it up there. It was nasty. Well, that's because everybody does the Thai style, which is like it's a teep. It's like you're pushing a guy off you, and they're really trying to regulate with roundhouse kicks. They're trying to get their distance and push a guy off you. But some guys will throw the front ball kick, the snap kick, like semi-shilt.

Semi-shilt fucks people up with that thing. He dropped Petes in the ufc with it he stopped badr hari with it that's how he won the grand prix he hit badr har with a front kick to the liver he just he's a giant too i mean semi-schilt is legitimately a giant he's seven feet tall you know so he curls those toes back and sends that fucking gigantic log your way that log he calls a foot yeah yeah, there's nothing quite like watching fights. It's just, there's nothing more, nothing that really just caters to the chimpanzee instinct more.

You know, a great game, no matter how much you enjoy it, it's still just a game. You know, the thrills are just not as high, you know? It doesn't matter if it's hockey or baseball or, oh my goodness, the ballie went over the parkie. No, exactly. Yay, we win. I have a whole blog about that.

I mean, it's really sport boiled down to its very roots. I mean, we have those aspects in other sports, like you see Dwayne Wade dunk on somebody, and it's fully like he dunks on him, and he's in his face, and it's like he dominated. It's like he knocked him out. Yeah, but then there's Anthony Pettis does that Showtime kick where he kicks off the cage and kicks Ben Henderson in the face with the same foot.

It's still just an approximation of what we're really after, which is this primal conflict and dominance. You have all these balls and all these rules and all these things, but it's still just men exercising that primal instinct to dominate. What I've always said is that it's the fucking root of it. If you slam dunk a ball on someone, they can always well yeah well i can kick your ass but no one gets their ass kicked and goes yeah well i can slam dunk a ball on you right nobody gives a fuck doesn't go the other way that's interesting isn't it it's fucking just fucking human nature and i think why people are so attracted to it fastest growing sport in the world i don't know if that's still an accurate quote but it was going around for sure. So there's not even a close second. You want to talk about the, it's only been

around in this country, in this form since the nineties, 93 was the first one that had no rules. And then as far as like sanctioning, it's just a few years after that, we started getting sanctioned in athletic commissions, but yeah, there's not even a close second. No, it makes perfect sense because people miss that aspect of life. I mean, everything is so watered down now. You don't get to exercise that kind of physical component of our psyche that still, those DNA, those genes haven't changed in the last 100, 200 years where we're not doing that anymore. How about 10,000? Yeah, 10,000. We have the same genetic makeup as people 10,000 years ago supposedly.

Obviously, that's incredibly theoretical until we go back in time and take a guy from 10 000 years ago and examine him but from all accounts if you took a guy from even a hundred thousand years ago and put him in natural clothes you know or rather uh normal clothes that we would wear and put him in a movie theater that guy would just sit there you wouldn't even be able to distinguish him yeah until the movie started playing then he starts shit his fucking pants demons demons he's smearing shit over himself to make him less attracted to the monster

on the screen curling in the corner knock knock yeah yeah but you know that DNA is still in us

of course it's the same hardware and everybody used to get a chance to exercise that like they would go to war like I was just

you know I was just talking to you about Socrates as a warrior you think of this philosopher you think about this he was a badass just a killer you know he was one of the hoplites for the athenian army and where did you read about all this with socrates so i first learned about it from steven pressfield's book tides of war and then i did a ton of research and and uh and put it all on my blog but just a badass like some of the stories are crazy. Like he was, there was a retreat coming from a

place called Delium. And in this retreat, basically the Athenians pushed forward in the flank. Their flank got weak on the left and right side. And then the other, General Pogondas, the other general they were fighting against, a Boeotian general, who also invented the flamethrower,

which is pretty sweet. But anyway, so you outflanked, and then the Athenians, you know, everybody started. The flamethrower was around back then. Yeah, no, he invented the flamethrower later. But anyway, so on the retreat, they have like a three-hour run back to Delia. And Socrates just stayed like right at the point, like the very back of his men, and just fought for three hours, like horses coming at him, just cutting them down, keeping people from running up the point, like the very back of his men, and just fought for three hours, like horses coming at him, just cutting him down, keeping people from running up the backs

and slashing at his own Athenian soldiers. I mean, it was still a bloodbath, but he was like there. How do we really know what happened? That could have been some gay dude that Socrates fucked real good who liked to tell crazy stories. Because Socrates was a big queen, right?

They were all gay back then. They were. People were full of shit, man. I don't buy that story. I think Socrates might have been running, right? They were all gay back then. They were. People were full of shit, man. I don't buy that story. I think Socrates might have been running like a girl, screaming, I have to write poetry. Leave me alone. Look at his mug, though.

Look at the actual bust of it. The dude looks like a fucking... But we don't know. We don't know what he really looked like. We know drawings. Well, they sculpted him. Those motherfuckers? He knows they're accurate.

Lying cunts. The worst sculptors ever. We assume that back then they were honest. That's what's hilarious. You know, we assume, I mean, people are completely full of shit today. Why would we assume that they'd be honest then? All this fucking Ronald Reagan revisionist history is driving me crazy. As an adult who was an adult during the Reagan administration,

who was an adult during the Reagan administration, Reagan had something like 200 people or more that were in his cabinet, that were employed by him in the White House, connected to him, that wound up getting arrested, getting brought up on charges. There's some ridiculous number. I mean, George Carlin had a routine on it. He had a whole routine on it about, find it. Find George Carlin, Reagan's gang. Because when a whole routine on it about find it. Find George Carlin Reagan's gang.

Because when you really go back and listen to it, you're like, oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, they were all fucking crooks. They were all crooks that figured out how to manipulate the moral majority and to go with the religious right and get religious people and Christians finally organized to vote for the presidency. That shit didn't exist before with Nixon and with Carter and with Ford. There wasn't like a big political movement with Christians. That became a reality during the Reagan administration. The Reagan administration was responsible for so much fucked up shit. So much fucked up shit, man, that people don't, I mean, even stuff that people don't agree with today, like in the conservative movement that support Reagan, like negotiating with terrorists and all kinds

of other shit. Like there's a dude who called into the Rush Limbaugh show and it's a, somebody put up an, uh, an article about it on, uh, my website. And, um, it was, uh, a really fucking, uh, funny conversation because this guy was like really well versed in the history of Ronald Reagan. And so this guy starts arguing with Rush Limbaugh, telling him about what Reagan did, that Reagan raised taxes on Social Security, that Reagan negotiated with terrorists, sending over and over again arms to Iran in exchange for hostages. Performed by contrast,

Jimmy Carter didn't give an inch to the Iranians, which is why we could never get the hostages. As soon as Reagan got into office, literally, like right away, the terrorists from Iran were released. Why is that? Why is that? Because they gave them something. They had to give them something. They had to negotiate with terrorists to get these people back.

Is it worth it to get the people back? Yeah. But I guarantee you, part of the agreement was, don't let them back until we're in office. It's not really about them being free. It's about it looking good for us. Right. Guarantee you. Well, Joe, we just live all the north.

Do you get the thing about Reagan? It's 12 minutes long. No, we're not going to listen to all of it, but just play it a little bit because George Carlin fucking nailed it. And this is back in, you know, I think he did this. Shit, it's probably like the 90s, early, early 90s. Like right after Reagan had been out. I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration. Yeah.

George Carlin was the shit. 225 of them so far. 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, been arrested, indicted, or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code. 225 of them. What do you think the total number is? An Edmund Meese alone.

A thousand? How many that haven't gotten busted? Edwin Meese alone has been investigated by three separate special prosecutors, and there's a fourth one waiting for him in Washington right now. Three separate special prosecutors have had to look into the activities of the Attorney General, and the Attorney General is the nation's leading law enforcement officer. You can kill it right there. See, that's what you got.

That's crazy. What the fuck, man? What the fuck? And everybody's like, Ronald Reagan was an amazing man. It's like we have this image of him just like our grandpa that, you know, was a drunk and used to beat the fuck out of your grandma. And you just kind of forget it when you get older. It's like grandpa was a good guy.

I remember thinking I loved Ronald Reagan growing up just because the eighties kind of embraced Ronald Reagan and there was like artwork in, you know, just like shows about Ronald Reagan. And then we're like, wow, Ronald Reagan likes jelly beans. That's so cool. You know? And yeah, Jimmy Carter had peanuts, but everybody's like, well, doesn't that show that Ronald Reagan's unhealthy and bad for America? Yeah, man. I don't know. The whole thing is very interesting.

It's very interesting how we like to look back in the past with rosy vision. If you want to get really big sometime and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum down there. I did that a couple years ago. It's over here in Calabasas somewhere. It is? Yeah, it's fucking huge. The whole thing is just Ronald and Nancy.

They could go in these little movie theaters and just play videos with them in it. They have Air Force One there. You can go and see where Ronald Reagan, his plane, and on this desk there's jelly beans. It's so gay. But it's crazy. It's too much Reagan, though. After a while, you're just like, all right, I've had too much Reagan. I can't take this anymore.

The only thing that I really liked about Reagan when he was in office was when he started talking about aliens. One of the things he talked about with Russia like how much we would all forget our differences if we were being attacked by aliens from another planet. I was like, oh shit, what does he know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everybody, and he didn't do it in just one speech. He did it in a couple of

speeches, the same sort of... Dropping little hints. Well, I don't know. Is it little hints or is he just fucking, is it just someone wrote something cool? I mean, it's not like Reagan wrote that shit. It's no more than you know, some Charlie Sheen writes his dialogue for two and a half men I mean, it's basically the same job, you know Reagan didn't write all that stuff. Somebody else wrote that Maybe there's just some cool ass fucking speechwriter. It's like let's just freak these motherfuckers out some alien talk You know, everybody's a little freaked out about Russia. How are we going to bring them down? I don't know, man.

We're worried about the bomb. Look, you know the bomb's not going to land. I know the bomb's not going to land. But we can't tell about how we're really in cahoots with Russia to keep the world down. So what do you want to do? How about we bring up aliens? How about we just start freaking people the fuck out, talking about aliens from another planet, and how much we would come together?

I like it. Done. I like it. Did you see the video of the ufo over jerusalem i didn't is it fake yeah who who made it somebody make it you're talking about the one there's two camera angles i didn't i only saw one oh yeah where the one's like just sits there and then goes straight up yeah yeah it's completely fake and what's crazy is uh i showed it to allison and uh rocks that was on you know on the podcast and immediately she saw saw it and she goes, that's fake. That's actually a tool in whatever it was, like Adobe Premiere or something like that. Oh, that's hilarious. Like 3D or something like that.

She's like, I could show you how to do it. It's a bummer when people fake this shit because then everybody thinks every fucking video is fake. And there's a lot of fakes. Don't get me wrong. But there's some videos that are legit footage of shit that happened because there's thousands of people who saw it on the ground. Like some of that Mexico City shit that happened because there's thousands of people who saw it on the ground like some of that mexico city shit yeah that's not fake i i saw i showed joe a video the other day that i wanted to see what he thought about it because i thought it was fake uh it's about this hamster that was just fighting that's and and no joe joe still doesn't

think it's fake i i still think it's fake and then i was talking to ari about it was like why do i think that video is fake and then i realized did you notice the stomach of it was pitch black like it was just like like all black of the stomach listen to me you're thinking too much i know but it was a real people don't know what the fuck you're talking about there's a video online what is it called angry hamster hamster fighting or angry hamster well what anyway the video is these guys are fucking with this hamster and the hamster gets crazy on them and tried to bite them. And then eventually— Wasn't that an Eddie Murphy movie?

No, no, no. That's a professor, I think. Anyway, it's a fucking scared little animal that's biting people. I mean, it's real. It's 100% real. Hamster of doom. Let's forget about that. That's what it's called.

So tell me, what are your thoughts on UFOs? So what shit do you think that you saw that you think that was legitimately questionable? I think some of those, I think in every major country, particularly, I think, actually back even farther into history, there's been paintings of UFOs and different things, people all the way back to caves

and other different biblical sightings of things appearing over battlefields and crazy shit like that. And you can take all that history with some footage that we have now, some reports from just super sober pilots, just dudes that are like, look, I don't really like that I saw this.

I fucking hate it. I'm not trying to get anything out of this, but this is what happened. We chased this thing. It was doing crazy stuff. No way we could catch it. Our machines shut off and we had to return to base. I saw it, whatever.

And they're not trying to gain anything out of it and those those i think those are really credible whereas a lot of these other people who are trying to i am the ufo seer you know like talk to me about those are fucking quacks but so many just sober gritty people just talking about it yeah the very first uh explanation or the very first depiction the flying saucer depiction was from a pilot. It was from a military pilot who was watching these things skip across the sky. I forget the dude's name, but I should probably give him credit for it because it's kind of an interesting thing to come up with. And he said it seemed like saucers skipping across a lake. I'm not opposed to the idea of there being some visitors from somewhere else, whether it's from here that we can't see, you know, a dimension nearby, whether it's from another planet.

I'm not opposed to that. But what I am opposed to is all these people that have the explanation for it, like, so quickly, and all these people that are, like, looking for proof of aliens. They're, like, they're getting crazy. Like, you ever watch that Ancient Aliens show? No, I haven't, but I know what you're talking about. You got to watch it. It's the most ridiculous shit ever.

Like 80% of the stuff they say, you're just like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, why are you coming to this conclusion? It's like the most unscientific conclusion ever. Just random. Like they'll find some ancient stone structures that are like these giant stones, like in Peru, where it's really amazing how perfectly these stones are fitted to the stones below them. And there are hundreds of tons, I mean, enormous structures.

And they go, there's only one way this could have happened. It had to have been help from another planet. And it just makes me think, I wonder if they had help from another planet. Or maybe people have been around a lot fucking longer than you think. And we know for sure there's been some massive cataclysmic disasters just during recorded history, we know. We know there's been some big ones in the near distant past, some mass extinctions that killed the dinosaurs, that fucking changed a bunch of shit in the climate many, many, many times over. Wouldn't you just assume that people have been around? Isn't that like the number one thing you would go to?

We know people are real. We know people invent some crazy shit. We know disasters happen. Maybe people figured out how to make some crazy shit, and the disaster happened, and then they forgot how to make that crazy shit. Well, a few stragglers made it out, taught a few things. Yeah, man.

I mean, these things that they have in Peru, though, man, it's fucking fascinating. Just really enormous fucking stones. And they had a discovery recently in Turkey let me find this real quick because uh it's uh it predates archaeological uh construction like like or rather um the uh the oldest construction the oldest like real modern stone carving but like fucking some insane number like five or six thousand years so like what they thought was like the beginnings the dawns of civilization back in mesopotamia you know six

thousand years ago this predates that by another six thousand years massive fucking stone structure tons and tons of stone moved like what the fuck is this yeah you know yeah and then you know the stories of uh of the atlantean culture obviously there's a lot of BS surrounding that. But what does it mean? Yeah, there's a pretty good chance that there was an advanced civilization that got wiped out by either earthquake or meteor or something just took them out. Yeah, fucking for sure, man. 11,500 years ago, this thing was built. 7,000 years before what they think was the great pyramid more than

6 000 years before stonehenge and they they built this gigantic fucking thing in turkey and there was another story recently about this guy from australia who started uh looking all throughout saudi arabia with google maps or google earth and you know google earth will bring you fucking literally zoom you in on the surface of the entire middle east this motherfucker found like 1700 archaeological discoveries and sites like there's all this ancient shit while these guys are blowing themselves up i thought i thought it was just the this the whole gang of people found that that's the total number oh is it oh really yeah it's not one person no no no no it's just it's a total number of people since Google Maps. Okay, well, I might have misread it,

but the one guy who did do it had a friend in Saudi Arabia. He was an Australian, who the story was based on. He's an Australian guy, but he had a friend in Saudi Arabia. So he would give the guy

the coordinates and then the guy would go there and take photos of the actual area and then they would send it to experts and they'd be like,

yeah, that's some fucking shit. That's crazy. There's a civilization under there. Meanwhile, these assholes are throwing rocks at each other and fucking screaming about, no, not my rules, no, not my rules. They're fighting over nonsense over there when they're in the middle of this incredible archaeological treasure trove. Yeah, when people 12,000 years ago would pimp slap you for being an idiot, and they're in the same place. That's pretty telling there that you're not going the right way not the right way need to change directions yeah what's gonna happen with egypt now with egypt uh i i heard the museums got

looted really yeah cairo is just fucking chaos man i mean they have some incredible archaeological discoveries that they have stored there. I mean, who knows what's still there, what they've been able to protect. But apparently it's so bad that no one can even get an audit of what's happened and what hasn't happened. We're watching a dictatorship fall before our eyes. And here's the thing to consider, and this is the thing that no one's going to tell you. When you're watching all this go down, and the United States, the United States is like, you know, we, we need, you know, Mubarak should step down immediately and who's behind this? Who's, did you guys do this?

Like I see that, you know, like I see Obama on TV talking about it and I see, and I'm like, who, when I was younger, I would say, well, here's this, here's a group of people that are raising up against their tyrant leader. I mean, this guy is obviously a dictator, and he needs to be removed. But he's been our ally in that area for a long-ass time. Okay? Why is it that all of a sudden people are rising against him? Why is it?

Who's organizing all this? Who's the CIA involved with this? Wasn't there a recent election or something? Wasn't there like a – Sure. I mean, that's probably – It's been a bunch of them in the past. It's hard to get people to move like this. It's to get people to uh to really rise up i mean for sure

they are pissed off for sure they are they have had enough with this fucking douchebag you know wanting to run things in their fucking crazy country but what people are really afraid of is that sharia law you know that 64 of egyptians want to be governed by Sharia law. They want to be governed by Islamic law. So it's like, man, having this guy out is not good. It's like it is good for the Egyptian people because they get their own choice. But the Egyptian people, even though some of them are progressive and many of them are in Iran, and Iran, a big percentage of the people don't want anything to do with the way Iran is being perceived by the Western world. of the people don't want anything to do with the way Iran is being perceived by the Western world. And they don't want to have anything to do with religious fundamentalism or the craziness that

has always been associated with Iran. They're young people. They listen to fucking music and they like art and they want to get the fuck out of this, this terrible situation, but they're stuck, you know? And, and I think there's a lot of those types of people in Egypt too, but it's just like America, man. Even if there's 50% of the people that, you know, believe that, you know, we need science and stem cell research is good. There's another 50% that believe they saw fucking the devil in their Cheerios and they want to fucking shoot it with a gun. You know, I mean, we got a, we got a real problem like that. I think the only way to, you know, been asked this question before, and I think the best solution I have is just, you got to set

up like drop internet over to them. You know, like if people get knowledge and like see outside of their box, that's the only thing that's going to change their mind. You know, like put in like paid for broadband stations in like closed off areas so people can go in there, log in and check some shit out. Well, it's interesting that you said that because that was the first thing that they did in Egypt when they wanted to stop the resistance. They shut off the Internet. That's what Egypt did. They shut off the internet. That's what Egypt did. They shut off the internet. Is this still off, by the way?

I don't know. I don't know how much of it was off. I don't know if they were able to jury rig it and get it back on. I don't even know what it is, to be honest with you. You start talking to me about the internet. Brian Gumbel? I don't even understand what the tubes and pipes. How do you shut it off?

Is there a main switch somewhere? Did you blow some shit up? Did you cut the cord? Did we run a cord through the bottom of the ocean all the way to America? How the fuck does it get over here? How does it get over here? Is there a cord that goes from Europe under the ocean? Is that real?

I think there is. That's ridiculous. How retro. I think there is. Okay, well, how the fuck do they connect with each other? There's telephone lines. How do they connect with each other? I don't know.

We don't know. I'm pretty sure. I thought I would get bounced by satellites. What? But not in the 70s. There's no satellites bouncing each other. I don't think there's satellites. Yeah, but there was no internet.

But there was no internet in the 70s. I think... No, I'm saying, but the internet goes through telephone lines and that kind of wiring. Right. So you used to be able to call England from the 70s. How the fuck could you do that? Yeah, I don't know. Back in the 70s, you could call England.

I'm pretty sure. But the ocean's so fucking deep. So what do they do? Put it on floaters? Yeah, what is it? Do ships run into it and cut the cord? You gotta redo it? Just whales just hit it. I might be talking about my ass. I'm just thinking of that episode of Lost.

You might be talking about your ass, but you might not be. But I mean, how the fuck could we call England? Well, you know what? Let's get a direct answer from Twitter. I'm going to ask the folks on Twitter, please tell me, how the fuck were you able to make phone calls to Europe back in the 70s? How the fuck? Was there a cord that went all the way through the goddamn ocean,

all the way to Germany and shit? I feel like I remember seeing a documentary how they did it or something like that, and I could be just farting around. Please, Twitter, answer. Answer me. Twitter's like magic eight ball. I saw Irreversible, by the way. The same guy that did Enter the Void.

Bingo. Charge 5 photo says there is a large fiber optic line in the ocean. Okay. Here's the question, though. What the fuck, man? What happened back when there was no fiber optics What did they do back in the 70s What did they do in the 50s

The ocean is so deep It can't be on the bottom You know what it's probably There's like chasms and abysses That run through there Do you think there's a line And dudes are on fucking submarines And they see it coming

We're going to hit the phone line You dickheads you killed the phones in New York man This guy says there's cables The dudes are on fucking submarines, and they see it coming. They're like, shit, we're going to hit the phone line. We're going to get clotheslined again. You dickheads, you killed the phones in New York, man. This guy says there's cables. There's a transatlantic cable. Wow. There was. Even back then, there's a transatlantic cable, and the dude, Tobang, just sent me a wiki link.

Fuck yeah, man. Holy shit. Impressive. There's a goddamn cable that's laid across the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. It crossed the telegraphic field. Whoa, that's pretty dope. So this is fascinating shit, man. So what the fuck is it with cell phones then? Is it piggyback on those lines?

Satellites. Satellites. I'm putting in my satellites. For cell phones? Yeah. How does that work? Yeah, I think cell phones uses satellites nowadays. It does?

Yeah. So if you connect from one country to the other. Yeah, I think cell phones uses satellites nowadays. It does? Yeah. So if you connect from Australia to the United States. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it uses satellites. Does that make sense? I think so, yeah. That's what Mike said. But I said that last time. What say you, Twitter?

What say you, Twitter? Please answer us. It's like magic 8-ball, bro. This is the most amazing. There's never been a time in life where you could ask people questions like this. And it's not even on radio shows. You pick callers. No, you get the text answers shit. This guy's

saying they sent letters by boat. That's a girl. That's a stupid answer. You shut your mouth. You didn't think that shit through at all. They sent letters by boat. We're not talking about the 1500s, Hooker. They put the internet on boat. Okay, Monkey Todd says it was copper wire

originally. But what about what they're doing right now? I mean, how the fuck does it work right now when you're sending a cell phone message or calling someone? How does that work? As of 2004, there's been underwater cables. Huh. Yeah. Cell phones use radio signals.

Yes, on Earth. But radio doesn't go across the ocean, you cunt. You don't even know what the fuck you're saying, goddammit. Unless it taps into the same lines. Yeah, I would imagine it has to use satellites nowadays. But why? There's a delay in the satellites. It's got to go way the fuck up to the sky. No, because then if that was true, there'd be no satellite gaming.

Cell phones use regular phone lines apparently this guy's saying well maybe they're piggybacks somehow on regular phone lines you know what's kind of fucked up it's just like what we're talking about with um when your website gets a lot of hits and it correct by the way warrior poet is crushed son bummer that shit ain't coming back your fucking server just took a deep six i I wonder if your business website's crushed. But it's the same way with cell phone signals. If there's an earthquake or some shit and everybody tries to use their phone, good luck. Good luck. You won't be able to use it because everybody can't use the phone at once. Like in a stadium?

Yeah. It's like they're understocked. They're selling you cell phone service and they're selling it to everybody. But the only way it works is that everybody doesn't use it at the same time. Because if everybody uses it at the same time, nobody gets to use it. It just shits out and just fucking farts and dies. That's annoying, man. That is annoying. That's annoying. It's like we're too far ahead of ourselves when it comes to technology.

We're too far out there. We're fucking stretched thin. Wow, look at this graph on your message board of all the underwater cables. Did you see that? Whoa, that's dope. That's a lot. My goddamn message board is still private. We have to fix that shit.

It was getting crushed so much, it's still private. I had to make it where only a member could look at it, so you have to sign up for it to look at it. Here's a video here that says there's been 150 years of transatlantic cable. Wow. 150 years. 150 years. That's insane. How the fuck did they do that?

What if they go up higher through like... They're floating on algae. Like northern part of Canada and then over through the mainland area. Or if they're just straight through. Looks like it comes right out of New York. Straight out of New York. That's incredible. It is.

It's incredible that it's 150 years of monster cables. How long did it take to make those fucking cables? Jesus Christ. How long is it to get to, if you take a boat from New York to England, how long is that?

How many miles is that? It's thousands of miles. It's like 1,500 miles. So it's one cable that's thousands of miles long. What the fuck do you carry that thing on? More than 1,500.

No, yeah, it's like 3,000. It takes six hours. 4,000. Planes go, what, 500 miles an hour? What the fuck do you carry that with? What do you carry that cable with? Just had to be boats getting supplies of metal. I just don't understand how they avoided the chasms in the water.

Like, oh, shit. Like here's, you know, when you're fishing and the thing just keeps going down, you hit a deep part of the lake. The deep parts of the ocean are like 10,000 feet. Yeah. You know, abyss-type stuff. And why haven't terrorists tried to attack that cable?

You know, like, oh. Shut the fuck up, Brian. Brian. You're brainstorming for me, man. Listen, these dumb cunts are living in fucking rock houses in the middle of the mountains, banging goats and shit. Do you think they could think this through?

We're going to go in the ocean and cut the cable. We're going to kill a farm. We got to get them online. That's the bottom. We got to get everybody. Well, you know what you got to do? Here's the deal. It's not just get them online. They have to be around cool people.

They're around douchebags. Everyone around them is a douchebag. I mean, especially like in the Middle East. The Middle East is just chaos. The Middle East are the townies of the world. That's the cradle of civilization. That's where it all started. And that's why they're so behind the times.

I mean, the reason they're behind the times, the reason why America is supposedly the most progressive or the most advanced, at least culturally, of all the other countries, the reason is because we're the last one. We're the one where everybody fled to. And the first one, which is, you know, the Middle East, Mesopotamia, where Iraq is, that's the worst. That's where it's the most fucked up. That's Sharia law. That's Muslims versus Muslims. That's, you know, chaos.

That's all those fucking dudes wearing robes circling around, you know, the Hajj at the mosque in Saudi Arabia or whatever it is, the Mecca. I mean, that's all the same shit. That's all just stuff that's been around too long. I was saying when we watched that, there was a TV show when I was in Germany and it's a 24-hour Mecca station and it's just 24 hours.

That's all it shows is people circling the box in Mecca, circling that big square building. Yeah, it's crazy. But I was like, if that in Mecca, circling that big square building. It's crazy. It's fucking. But I was like, if that shit happened today, OK, if this is a new cult, some new Scientology type thing, and everybody's wearing robes and they're circling that box, we'd be like, whoa, we got to stop these motherfuckers. That is scary. If that could you imagine if that was in America? Let's say that was in Kansas.

And there was you saw Brian Gumbel disturbing footage today out of Kansas. We you saw Brian Gumbel. Disturbing footage today out of Kansas. We're going to go live here. Now, granted, ladies and gentlemen, let's be aware of this. This dangerous cult has only been around for five years. But look how much they've organized in these five years. And then they showed people circling around those boxes. Dude, there'd be helicopters flying towards that area right now. Tanks would be moving down the highway.

Well, check this out. What if we created a cult that would drink the blood of their hero every week, figuratively? If it was Megan Fox, I mean. But that's what's happening. You go to Catholic Mass, it's like, here's the blood, here's the flesh. Drink the blood, eat the flesh. I mean, you look at that, that's pagan. That is pagan stuff right there.

But because it's, oh, it's Christianity. It's Catholic. We have a weird thing where we just get used to shit. No matter how wacky it is. It's like these broads in Africa with these plates in their lips. Africa is another place where they need some information, especially in the Maasai cultures and stuff, where they're getting their clits cut off with sharp stones and the clitorectomy out there like they

need to see too by the way they do a lot of that they need to see like hannah montana like yeah they all need twitter addresses just fucking bouncing around singing oh whatever the sama bin laden needs to check in at four square at the applebee's so we can fuck them up you know they all need that shit. Well, they already fucked him up, man. Do you think that guy's alive? I have no idea. If he's even real. He's probably in a fucking London hotel

somewhere with a gang of boys sucking his dick. They probably just said, listen, we're not going to kill you. We're going to keep you alive. You keep making tape every couple of years. We might need you. We need you to come out with some new scary shit so we can take away more civil liberties. Do you think the last time that there was

real evil in a war that we fought was World War II? Do you subscribe to that? Yeah, well, no, I think there's real evil in Islamic fundamentalism and Islamic terrorism. I think there's definitely real evil. I think the problem is, unfortunately, a lot of that real evil has been caused by our manipulation, our being in religious holy grounds, and desecrating those grounds,

our involvement with and support of dictators in the Islamic world. And some people say, like guys like Hasnul Mubarak, we need that guy around to keep the Islamic fundamentalists from gaining power. At least he's more moderate. And even though he's a dictator, it's the better of two evils. And yeah, I don't know, man, I'm not well versed enough to be realistically, you know, to, to be honest about it. You know, I mean, if you've really stepped back and said, do you really understand how things work in the middle East? No, fuck no. I don't. That's another world. It's another world, man. I mean, I remember going to Abu Dhabi and it becomes very aware, you know, when we did a UFC in Abu Dhabi, like, yo, this is another world.

Don't get stupid. Don't get mouthy at the airport. They'll put you in a box, son. You better be polite and you better realize that your laws are, these laws rather, are very different than yours. So out of balance. I think part of it is these patriarchal paternalistic religions. They just shift everything way out of balance. Yeah, of course.

There used to be the balance of the sacred feminine and the masculine, but these desert religions are just shit on the feminine, and it's all about men, control the women, bind the women, hide the women. Do you think that's because they don't have much water and resources and natural? Yeah. And then all of a sudden they've got this new resource over the last couple hundred years, oil. You know, that's really kind of amazing.

I mean, how long has it even been? Has it even been a couple hundred years that we've been getting oil from the Middle East? Yeah, yeah. But whatever it's been,

I mean, you look at photos of Dubai from 1970 as opposed to today. Back then there was like nothing going on there. Now it's fucking immense. Yeah, sure. Well, consumption

has risen so dramatically. Yeah, so it's like they were always in this terrible situation. There are very few resources, natural resources at least. Sure. Not much water. Kind of a fucked up area.

And now all of a sudden it's just bounty, bounty, money, and Mercedes, and everywhere you look is Ferraris, and Mercedes, and Ferrari. Dude, when we were in Abu Dhabi. Bugattis. Gold Bugattis. You never seen so many fucking Bentleys and Rolls Royces. Oh, there's some big pimping going on up in this desert.

There was an article recently where they were talking about how they're admitting that they're making it rain in Abu Dhabi. That they made it rain 52 times this year. Throwing money in the air? Oh! Hip hop rain! What if that's what you actually read you know what i mean like no

they just make it rain all the time photos we had photos of these guys in their traditional garb outside with umbrellas you know standing in front of a bentley by the way one of the photos it's hilarious dudes in front of a bentley with fucking his crazy arab outfit on holding an umbrella up i almost bought you one of those outfits by the way they gave me one when i was there i just room in my luggage to bring it back with me, unfortunately. I pack just to the point where I've got just enough to get through.

I don't have no room to be bringing shit back with me. That's my latest thing. I don't check bags. I just bring a carry-on. Even when it's a three- or four-day trip, I just try to get as little clothes in there as possible. I'm like, look, everywhere you can buy underwear, everywhere you can buy socks. All right.

How do I how do I cut this down to the minimum? Why? Because when you're waiting in line at the fucking the baggage thing and wondering if your shit's ever going to come out and like, oh, that's my favorite shirt. And fuck. Now I can't get it. Now I got to go buy toothpaste. It's not the baggage fees, though, right? You got me. You got me.

You got me. I'm traveling across the world trying to save $10. Fucking baggage fees. Anything else before we get out of here? It's pretty much over, right? What time is it? 5.17? We're two hours in?

We're two hours and, like, 15 minutes. Well, thank you everybody for tuning in. Thank you very much for the questions that were answered on Twitter. Satellites are used to transfer data overseas and the internet is back on in Egypt. So says MrMonkeyMan81818. Why is there so many monkey people on my... Is that a coincidence? Oh, if you're looking for Higher Primate shirts,

higher-primate.com, my clothing line. We sold out way quicker than I thought we were going to, and that's why, unfortunately, a lot of the designs have not been in stock. But we're restocking them, and I got a bunch of new dope ones. They're fucking killer. I got to show you some new ones that we got.

Crazy shit. This weekend We're gonna be at Sal's Comedy Hole In LA Next weekend The Brea Improv That's

I believe that's Friday, Saturday And Sunday Yeah I think it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday Two shows Friday Two shows Saturday

One show Sunday Is that what it is? I believe so I'll tell you right now Yes you are correct And it's right before Washington's birthday Which which is Monday. We should all celebrate together.

Yeah. He was a badass. The last great president with his wooden teeth growing weed and banging slaves. He was a badass. He had slaves, didn't he? Yeah. Crazy world we live in, folks. Kids with him, probably.

Huh? Probably had kids with him. You think so? They all did, didn't they? They all shot loads. Do you think wives get pissed off? You see these mocha babies wandering around the yard. Different era.

Motherfucker. Different era. If you're married to George Washington, Martha was like my fucking husband. Really? Just kept her fucking mouth shut? No, no. Do you think he was banging Betsy Ross? I bet he fucked Betsy Ross, too.

That's why she got that flag gig. You know? Come on, man. Who the fuck is Betsy Ross? Where's Mr. Ross? You don't even hear shit about Mr. Ross. Right. It's because George Washington is laying that fucking dick.

Shit. So that's next weekend is Brea Improv. Tickets will sell out, I hope. So get on them. That's it. Fleshlight.com. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link and put in the word Rogan, you get 15% off. And we'll be back on Thursday at 3 with Jean Lajoie.

Is that how you say his name is? You know. I don't know. From the league. And he's from all those hilarious internet. Cool white kid or coolest white kid or something like that. And average ordinary guy. And I'm so high.

He's got a bunch of weed ones. Anyway, very cool guy. Very funny guy. And he'll be on Thursday. Thank you very much to Chris. Chris Marcus. If you go to Chris's website when the podcast is over. Don't worry.

It's fucking dead, dude. I tried to refresh it again. It will be resurrected. And what's your business website again? Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T dot com. Oh, it's up. I got on.

Socrates would kick your ass and Musashi would paint a nude of your girlfriend. That's a new blog you just posted. My latest blog. blog nice socrates was probably the most underrated philosopher i think in uh in that time period i mean if you just look at his work he's underrated though as a philosopher really as a warrior he's he's you know lauded like everybody knows he was badass i mean he carved an oar and he carved a staff out of an oar and beat the demon of the western provinces. Like, people know that, but I don't think he gets enough credit. Staff out of an oar? What's an oar?

Like a row, like a... Oh, an oar to row boats. So he carved a stick out of an oar and beat the shit out of somebody with it? Yeah. He was going to fight the demon of the western provinces. What does that mean? Some dude? He had a reputation. Some killer, basically, you know, out there.

And he was a... The guy was a samurai? Is that what you said? Yeah, the samurais would fight each other. Right, but Socrates you're talking about, right? No, no, I was talking about Musashi. Oh, okay. I think you said Socrates.

Did I? Yeah. You baffled the fuck out of me. Confusing people. Because I was like, just the opposite. Everybody knew that Musashi was a warrior, for sure. No, that's what I'm saying. But Socrates was a warrior, too.

Socrates, yeah. I definitely think that Musashi was one of the most underrated philosophers. That's where this whole tattoo came from, man. This is Musashi. And it's based on that one quote that stuck with me my whole life that I read when I was, I think like 17, that once you understand the way broadly, you see it in all things. Yeah, exactly. And I think one of the most, and also he's a great artist too. People don't know about that. They just know that he kicked ass. Well, what people don't understand is that that was the samurai way, is that you were to be balanced. And you weren't just a thug out there killing people, but to be a great samurai, to be so well-versed that you could kill men in one-on-one hand-to-hand combat, which he did over 64 times, killed people in duels, that he had to be completely balanced. He believed that you had to be great at calligraphy.

You had to be great at art. You had to be great at poetry. You know, you had to have this incredible same principles that made him great at swordplay could make you great at anything. Yeah. And the same principles that made you lazy or fucked you up or gave you a shitty character would cost you your life in battle. Yeah. Which is so true, man. You know, and martial artists are starting to realize that too. Is that all

any negative energy that you take any thuggish, douchey bullshit, you have to account for that in your own assessment of who you are as a human being. You know, and to be truly zen, you have to really have all your bases covered. To be truly in the moment and truly great at

anything. You know, you've got to be balanced in all areas. That's it. That's the key. And folks out there, you've got to surround yourself with positive fucking people. And the best way to do this, the only way to do this, is you've got to become positive yourself. I know it's difficult.

It's not easy. Yoga sucks. There's a lot of chicks farting in that class. But you've got to go. You've got to go to yoga class. You've got to read things. You've got to eat healthy. You've got to exercise.

You've got to get your mind right. Read books. Get up early and run, even though you don't want to, alright, do chin-ups before you eat breakfast, do something, get your shit together, bitches, and if you get your shit together, you will attract other people who will also have their shit together, that is how I became friends with Chris, alright, we have attracted each other, okay, that's how Brian came here from fucking Ohio, right Brian? Yeah! That's right, okay, folks, the fucking show is over.

God damn it. I'm trying to give you a pep talk, and I'm putting myself to sleep. This weekend, like I said, Sal's Comedy Hole next weekend, Brea Improv. Chris, Marcus, thank you very much for being here, my friend. Thanks, brother. Thank you, guys. And warriorpoet.us is his website. Redband.com.

Redband.com. We love you, bitches. We always will. Peace. Thanks to everybody that came out in Vegas This weekend We had a great fucking time I love you See ya

Bye Thank you. you