The Joe Rogan Experience - #785 - Dom Irrera

Episode Date: April 13, 2016

Dom Irrera is a stand up comedian, and also hosts his own podcast called "Dom Irrera Live from The Laugh Factory" available on Spotify. http://www.domirrera.com/

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- during the last one, and I'm all jittery now. Really? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Everything's firing. Well, that nicotine, did you inhale it? No, but just having it in your mouth and smoking it and sucking on it, you get a nicotine high. I feel like I'm left out of a certain club, those guys who think it's really cool to relax with cigar smoke and all. It makes me nauseous.

Yeah, it doesn't make me relax. It's fun. I like to do it, but it's a high. They're lying to relax. It's fun. I like to do it. But it's a high. They're lying to themselves. That's a high. It's a nicotine high. Of course.

Letterman and those guys were into that. Yeah, they're doing drugs. Drugs, that's crazy. That's illegal, isn't it? It's a goddamn drug den. You know what's hilarious? They're hepped up on something, Joe, I tell you. But it's one of those things. It's like so common and it's so a part of the culture

that we look at that as being less ridiculous and more like reserved and intelligent than if someone got together in a little shack there, like a smoke shop and it was smoking pot together. Oh, yeah. Those people, I guess. Well, I get more of a buzz from coffee than I do from Xanax. You do? Oh, fuck yeah. Because Xanax just makes me feel like what I think a normal person feels like. You know, without the terrifying anxiety. Have you always had that?

We talked about this before, but when did you start getting anxiety? Second grade. Really? Wow. Yeah. Second grade. But I'm really doing better. My doctor says in 10 years I should be out of it.

There's just a single one. You never had anxiety? I've definitely had anxiety, yeah. But about a specific thing? The worst thing is just anxiety that you don't even know what it's from. Oh, yeah. From the core of your being. So it's some sort of a firing error or something in your brain.

Yeah, it's definitely a chemical thing. Hmm. And does anything else help it? Does, like, exercise help it or, like? Alcohol. Alcohol helps it? Alcohol. But the thing about alcohol is the rebound is worse than the high.

Wow. Like, if you have three hours of a buzz for alcohol, you'll have a 12-hour hangover. Yeah. I will. Especially as you get older. Yeah, the hangovers get rougher and rougher for me pretty much every year. Well, I never drank when I was young, so this is all new to me the last few years. Like how many years?

Eight. And I know you stopped for a while. We talked about it. You stopped for a while. It felt so good. I couldn't believe how good it feels not to have a hangover. Yeah. Holy shit, this is it.

But you like it? Well, I like the whole whole you know how they use some of the ambience of the cigar and the puffing and laughing and throwing raising it up like he made a big point yeah i like that with alcohol that whole you know yeah social thing i like to have a drink with you too because it's like we're announcing festivities yeah like what the moment in time fun festivities cheers my friend and we uh you And we both sort of agree that we're off on an alcohol-filled fun romp of chit-chat and laughter. But no DUIs. Yeah, no DUIs.

That's where Uber came in. Uber changed the game. Joe, I can't take it with the fucking Uber anymore. You can't? Everybody's trying to convince me there's something wrong with me. You've got to take Uber. I go, I don't want to take Uber. I don't want to get in a car with a strange guy.

I don't want to get in his own car. I want to either get a car service or take a cab. He's just an old school guy. I just don't want to. I mean, it's like, and the thing that's funny about Uber to me is the idea like, you know, I used to drink maybe one, two drinks a night, but now I drink all day because I take Uber. I'm a raging alcoholic now. What's funny about Uber is the application, connecting people to people that want something,

and those people get all the money, I think, and then they pay the drivers, right? Isn't that how it works? I don't know. You pay in the app. I don't understand it. When I moved to New York they have medallions They have to spend thousands of dollars to get the medallion to be able to drive a commercial vehicle Yeah here anybody can drive an uber how's that's why it's really crazy because they are independent contractors Like in New York used to be illegal used to have these things called gypsy cabs, but they still do do you remember that one year?

There was a I want to say more than 40 gypsy cab drivers were murdered. Really? Yeah. But find this out. Gypsy cab driver murders in New York. I think they would take them to bad neighborhoods and shoot them and rob them. So these cab drivers who were fucked, they weren't making much money. They had to take every fare they could.

And they would take these guys or one guy. I mean, who knows how many people actually wound up being the people killing them. What does it say? 1990, the story is from. That sounds about right. That's when I was living there. Gypsy cab drivers found shot dead in the Bronx. That's only one.

There was a, okay, killings are related. So the sixth finding of it. The sixth one back then. I want to say it was some insane number, man. I really think it was more than 20. I want to say it's 40 for some reason. Cappies didn't get a fair shake. All those hookers that got killed got a lot of press.

Well, they got press in New York. But this was press in 1990 or 91 or whenever it was where it got real bad. Before the internet. Exactly. Can you imagine there was a time before the internet now? Exactly. I mean, yeah, we became friends before the internet. How about that?

Yeah. How did we even get a hold of each other? We called each other on the phone. How do they catch you when you're at home? Like normally, that's right. You have to get up early, make phone calls before you leave the house. You remember the first cell phones? They looked like you could use're at home. Like normally. That's right. You have to get up early, make phone calls before you leave the house. You remember the first cell phones? They looked like you could use it as a billy club.

Here it is right here. Driving in gypsy cabs was one of the most dangerous jobs in New York City. Since 1990, 180 drivers, an average of over two a month, have been killed while on duty. Holy shit. So it wasn't 400. It was 180. I mean, maybe it was 180 i mean maybe it was or not not a 440 but maybe that was 180 when they stopped counting during the time this article was written because this is they're

talking about 1990 i was living in new york when this was happening and i i kind of moved there around then so it could have gotten even worse do you ever miss it no me neither you know and i do you get the guys from new york acting like they can't understand how you could miss it? No. Me neither. You know, do you get the guys from New York acting like they can't understand how you could like it here? It's awesome. Don't get me wrong. I think I could adapt. I think if I decided to live in New York tomorrow, I'd love it.

I don't think it's bad. Yeah, but you could. But I don't miss it. But your kids and the whole thing. It's hard. But you know what, man? I mean, kids can grow up anywhere. They really can.

I just don't know if it's ideal. Wouldn't you rather them be walking around where you live than walking around? Honestly, I think really it's better probably in a non-showbiz related city. I think just being in this city is probably not healthy for kids. I think kids are better off in places like Seattle, which is even if it's showbiz related, it's not television and film related. I feel like the television and film world is filled with so many people out here. And don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it's a bad business.

I was in it for a long time. I don't have anything against it. But I just think that the kind of people that it attracts, not all of them, but a good amount of them, are really crazy. And they're real needy and they value a certain type of fame. And it gets really crazy. It gets really crazy and they're real needy and they they value they value a certain type of fame with you know and it gets it gets really crazy it gets really crazy we were talking about uh last night about the girls at the comedy store and sophie sophie or sophie i forget she said to me and she didn't want to tell me she was an actress she was embarrassed to say she didn't funny because well you know it's like i was doing the thing on stage the other night about

we need more actors and actors. Please, if you know anybody back east that wants to be an actor, tell them to come out here. But it's sad when you're embarrassed to say what you want to be. There's nothing wrong with doing it. No. See, that's the problem. Like, acting itself, there's nothing wrong with it. It's not that I'm saying there's something wrong with the profession.

It's just there's a giant number of people who come out here that are just absolutely batshit crazy. I know. And they just want everybody to like. That's the other thing, too. There's like this lack of a. It's very difficult when people are judging you. It's like there's a problem with the entire design of the audition process. Because you're creating people that are going to be exactly what you want them to be because those are the people that you're going to hire.

So it becomes an incredibly left-wing environment. It becomes – which is great in a lot of ways. It balances things out. But our culture is driven primarily from things from the left. Good things like compassionate stuff, like gay rights and gay marriage and a lot of other left-wing type ideas that I agree with and I think are great. But it's 100% driven by that. So these people, if they have differing opinions,

it's very difficult for them to express it and still work. So you get a lot of people that are terrified of stepping on anybody's toes. So they say a bunch of nonsense. You ever talk to people that don't say nice to meet you cause they're worried they might've already met you. Right. You know what I mean?

So they, you know what they say? They say nice to see you. Well, you know what I never covered, you know what I never do to people. I never ask them what's up or what's going on. I know that about here.

Cause people feel guilty. Like they have to recite what's going on in their lives, this whole resume. And I'd rather them just say, Hey man hey, man, it's good to see you. And that's the end of the thing. It's like, I don't want to put, oh, I got a lot of irons in the fire. You know Sal from the Impractical Jokers? Yeah.

He was out here one night. And he goes, this is before they really hit. He goes, yeah, I got nothing going on. I said, never say that in Hollywood. I'm fucking with you. Here's what you say. I got a lot of irons in the fire. I don't want to jinx it.

I'll tell you about it when it comes through. Big plans in the works. Check my Instagram page for future notifications. When you said you're really not part of the business anymore, isn't it funny that you're so busy you don't have time to do a movie? Yeah. It's kind of cool. The only movies I've ever done are the Kevin James movies.

So I didn't have to audition. Yeah, of course. It just got me parts. You shouldn movies I've ever done are the Kevin James movies. So I didn't have to audition. Yeah, of course. It just got me parts. You shouldn't have to audition. Yeah, you should if you want something good. But the process itself is the problem with it, not necessarily for me, who's financially independent, but the process for a lot of people who aren't, who are desperately needing something to employ them so they can apply their craft. So I don't need anybody to employ me so that I could do standup.

Neither do you. We just do it. And we don't need anybody to employ us to do this podcast. We just do it. You just do yours. I just do mine. We all just do our own shit. And because of that,

you don't, you could be you, you could actually be you. the suits have lost so much power in the last 10 years. Yeah. Well, we're also starting to see like what this, you know, what is this world really about?

It's about generating income. That's it. It's not about art. That's why reality shows took off like crazy. Well, your generation is much better than mine as far as business people. You guys, your group is smart. How so? Well, you know, you learn how to use

the social media to your advantage. You know, Tom, a lot of it was luck. A lot of it was luck. Some of it was copying Dane Cook. Some of it was definitely that. I was already doing stuff online, but I wasn't doing stuff. I was writing blogs, and I was doing certain things just as like a little exercise, just to come up with ideas and just to get my writing flowing.

So I write a lot of blogs back then. And Dane Cook got into MySpace and started using it my writing flowing. So I write a lot of blogs back then. And dang, Cook got into MySpace and started using it to promote shows. And it was crazy how much it blew him up. He was an early adopter. Amazing, yeah. And he was the perfect guy for it. Cute, high energy, girls loved him.

And he was one of the first comics that had a bunch of girl fans. Right, like a rock and roll guy. Very, very interesting times but it i think it woke up everybody to the power of social media and then um twitter came along of course but the podcast thing was totally lucky man if it wasn't for just um yeah but you had to be good at it joe don't undersell it too much it wasn't good at in the beginning if you go back and listen to some of those early ones they're fucking terrible oh it's remember we were talking at the improv a If you go back and listen to some of those early ones, they're fucking terrible.

Remember we were talking at the improv a couple weeks ago, and I said to you, and I didn't want you to think I was hitting to get on the show, but I said to you, if you do one of your shows, it's better than doing all the late night shows in one week. Oh, as far as like the amount of exposure. Yeah, I'm going toralia tomorrow and those people are going to be thrilled that i'm going that i'm on the podcast because i was in new zealand and people listen to you there you know it's incredible nobody nobody watches a tonight show in australia that's crazy they should it's a good show yeah podcasts are nuts man it's you can get them easy that's the thing about it if you have to

watch the tonight show to catch you the odds of you actually being in front of your television when that happens yeah are small the odds of you dvr-ing the tonight show are also small you know it's usually one of those things where a lot of people look forward to it and they watch it before they go to bed it's a normal ritual i only use that as an example because no but it's a good one it's a good example because that's what we always needed right yeah i mean carson was the thing back when you were coming up if you got on carson holy shit you fucking made it like you would see a guy like richard jenny you had like 18 carsons or something like that yeah and you're a writer brilliant and and just such a great comic and you you'd see those uh those credits and you go jesus christ

that guy did carson 18 times and you would go see him and of course like he at the time when i first saw jenny was like in the 80s he was a master yeah just a master i remember just being in awe and there was a bunch of other comedians that were at the uh east side comedy club remember east side in long island richie medovini yep richie medovini me and kevin j James were sitting around after the show, and we were shaking our head. We were like, God damn, he's good. God damn it.

He apparently did two different hours on Friday night. He did two shows in eight and a ten. Wow. He did two completely different hours. Yeah. Completely. Top to bottom. And they were like, both of them were slaughtering.

He was just a destroyer. Brilliant writer. I remember feeling like he could take premises that you didn't think there was anything there, and you could turn them into one of your favorite bits. Like he did a premise about buying a Corvette, and the guy trying to talk him into all sorts of stuff in the Corvette. And I remember thinking while he was doing this, wow, how is this guy going to make this funny?

He was talking about buying an expensive sports car, and he's going to figure out how to make this funny? Remember the ref thing he did? He had a bunch of great ones. Well, you know, we had problems, him and I, and it really was because of him. I'm not saying that because I'm sorry. Because he's dead. Yeah, because he's dead.

No, but what happened was we were getting different things at the same time. Like you were competitive with each other? Well, he was competitive with me, and I think it was because people pitted us against each other purely because we were short Italians. Well, I'm a short Italian as well. You've never been anything but supportive and nice to me, Don. Thank you, Joseph. But I mean, one time I said to him, because somebody was talking to me, I said, why don't we go out on the road together? We'll fill up theaters.

And he goes, why would I want to do that? I said, I don't know, to make money, to have fun? You know, he didn't understand the concept yeah he said to me one time he goes montreal comedy festival you think i should go there i said go with the idea that you're gonna meet beautiful girls go to great restaurants and then if you happen to get a deal you do but have fun and he goes fun he looked at me like what do you mean fun this isn't fun this is he was tortured wow he never enjoyed it you know that's the saddest part of it he was he never knew how good You're like, what do you mean fun? This isn't fun. He was tortured. Wow. He never enjoyed it. That's the saddest part of it.

He never knew how good he was or he never enjoyed how good he was. I first met him in Montreal. Yeah. I first met him in like 94. Isn't that where I met you? Yep. Yep. I met him in 94. We were both passing each other in the front doors.

Just said hi. Hey, man, nice to meet you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What shows you doing? That kind of thing. Just, you know. And he seemed to me like he just was a brilliant mind, like a brilliant comic.

Always thinking. But just always, you know, in his own head. Maybe almost too much. I saw him on a plane. I was flying back. Remember they had three cabins on American? And I was in first class. he was in coach with Lenny. Lenny Clark?

No, not Lenny Clark. Lenny, I forget his name. Lenny Schultz? Crazy Lenny? Crazy Lenny. No, not that crazy Lenny. Not the one with more pigs, more shit. Yeah.

There's so many fucking Lenny's in comedy. What are the Lenny? Dave Hawthorne's friend. You would know them. Okay. But anyway, I walked back to say hi and he goes, you know,

I usually fly first myself but I'm flying him. I said, Rich, it's okay. I said, you know, and then I went,

it's all right, I didn't fly, ABC flew me and he didn't like that either. I'm thinking, I didn't do that to rub it in and then I finally said to him, Rich,

what do you want me to do? You want my cookie? I'm just in first class, it's not a big fucking deal. You guys are so Italian. That's such an Italian argument. Give me my fucking cookie right up your ass. He doesn't even have the good salami over there.

That fucking salami's got the nitrates. Yeah, it's a tough lesson for those guys that are super competitive and loners. It's a tough lesson as you start getting older that none of this shit is fun if you don't have friends. Yeah. You know? What we were talking about last night when we were all hanging out is you and me and Kreischer and Josh Martin and Jesse May Peluso. We're all hanging out. I love that girl.

She's great. She's so great. But we're all laughing and having a great time. And, you know, we're all comics, you know? Yeah, that's what it's all about. It's supposed to be like that. It's supposed to be we see each other, we hug each other. You get excited.

I remember when I went to see the premiere of Batman, the very first one. And Jack Nicholson was in it. And he was at the bar and just fucking drinking and cheers with everybody. And Prince was there. This little, you know, kind of faggoty Prince. How dare you say faggoty? Faggotacious. Shit.

But anyway. You made me say it. He's sitting there. Joe, he's got two bodyguards sitting in front of him. He's sitting there and he's not, I'm thinking, what fun is it? Why don't you talk to somebody? Feels like royalty though. I mean, the guy named himself Prince.

Yeah, true. How shocking is that he wants to be treated like royalty, with giant men guarding his flesh. Get these people out of the way. I gotta get to my car. I have an idea. He had some high heels on, too. I guess he wrote the music for that. But anyway, it just struck me about...

Here's Nicholson, easily just as famous, if not more than him. And he was miserable. Nicholson's all having fun. Well, yeah. Some people don't know how to... But it's also part of what we were talking about earlier. We were talking about Kobe Bryant,

and you were saying that Kobe, as he's gotten older, has become more humble and how convenient than when he's not doing good. Right. He lost his legs and gained a personality. That could be the case, but it also could be the case, couldn't it, that he's maturing as a man and learning and growing and realizing his mistakes and the consequences of his actions and maybe reflecting on his behavior and changed who he is. Yeah, it's no fun being alone with all your money. What are you going to do, put your money in your bed and lay on it?

But those extreme winners, extreme winners are so fucking hyper crazy competitive. Yeah. Like when I was talking to Lance Armstrong, it was really sinking in. Because I know guys like him. I know guys like him, whether it's, you know, fighters for the most part. Like I know guys from the UFC. They're extreme winners. They know how to win.

And one of the ways to know how to win, you've got to say, fuck everybody else. And those guys that say, fuck everybody else like that, in the world of art, you know, comedy, things along those lines, it's like, it's not necessary. It fucks up. It's not basketball where you have to intimidate your opponents. Yeah. Like, it's better for everybody if you're nice to each other, you know? I never felt that somebody else's success diminished me.

When I first started out, Eddie Murphy was at the same time. He was getting these movies and some fucking greeter comes up and goes, Nah, I'm not for nothing. Don't it bother you that Eddie Murphy's getting these movies and you're here at Bananas? I go, what the fuck does it have to do with me? Do you think if he didn't get 48 hours, I would have gotten it? Yeah. That mentality is just a loser mentality. all it is is a pattern you let your brain go

down that path there's a pattern of behavior like you recognize that somebody else has something you want that something and then you'd be upset that that person has it and then you don't and it becomes this animal instinct thing it's like a jealousy i mean chimpanzees have horrible jealousy dump horrible jealousy That guy that got his face bit off and his dick ripped off remember that guy I didn't remember I remember a woman getting a face There's a woman who did but before the woman who did see the woman who did it was because her friend Had the chimp right and the woman who lived with the champ had some weird relationship with the champ where she slept with it

She gave him Xanax and she gave him red wine so this fucking chimp was drunk and on pills and he ripped this lady's face off so that's one champ or had been drunk and on pills that's one champ but then there was another champ where this guy had a pet chimp and he went to visit his pet chimp and the chimp got to be a certain age they had to get rid of it cuz it was biting people it was terrifying right I think it bit someone's finger off. Because that's what they do. They grab your hand, they bite your finger off.

They tear your finger from your hand. And they do it, like, almost instantly. That's their move. If you're lucky, if they don't go for your face. My father left me down with a squirrel monkey once. Before I was in first grade, so I was a kindergarten kid. Just me and a squirrel monkey, and the monkey started fucking hissing at me. Oh, Jesus.

I was fucking terrified. My grandmother had a monkey. My grandmother had a monkey that lived in her attic. He had a squirrel monkey. It was called Chi-Chi. It would chew gum. It would open up gum wrappers and chew gum. Who the fuck gets a monkey?

They're fucking out of their mind. So anyway, these people, they to uh visit their pet chimp at this sanctuary because they still loved them they had a relationship with this chimp you know and they're like we can't be with you anymore but we're coming to visit and when they came to visit they dropped off cake they gave them a cake a birthday cake and the other chimps got furious that this chimp got cake and that they didn't. And someone fucked up and left something open and they got out. And when they got out, they tore this guy apart. Wow.

Just because he gave cake to this one guy and he didn't give it to him. So they tore his dick off, tore his fingers off, bit his face off. They just tear you apart. Oh, God. They bite all your fingers off. They don't give a fuck. They're monsters. I was on one of those shows, Pet Star or one.

Remember that? Where you judge different animal tricks? No. I was holding a baby gorilla. Oh, wow. I mean, really young, but I mean, I thought, this thing is going to be so fucking powerful. It was just like a baby. Put its head on my shoulder, and I started making out with it.

It was nice. Well, gorillas are more peaceful, I think. Oh, really? Oh, than chimps? Yeah. Chimps are crazy. Chimps are way more violent uh violent i mean they're all violent they're all violent i mean gorillas are vegetarians pretty much exclusively so when you see a gorilla and those giant fangs that they have that's just for fighting you know so they've definitely fight each other especially

the males there was a video of a zoo recently these two males beating the shit out of each other and some wildlife preserve. Crazy. You see how strong they are. It's weird that they're like our size but stronger, like 10 times stronger. Well, they're way heavier. A full-grown gorilla is like 500 pounds or something crazy. I think. Does that make sense?

Yeah. I think they get even bigger. How big is the biggest silverback gorilla? If you had to guess, what would you guess? 700 pounds. Wow. That's what I'm guessing. I'm probably wrong by 400 pounds.

That's big. I'm going to go with 500 pounds. I'll take the under. You might be right, though. It might be like 800 or something. I don't know. I'm excited to find the results. Oddly.

What do you got, Jamie? I found a gorilla named Titus. Excited to find the results. Oddly. What do you got, Jamie? I found a gorilla named Titus. I'm trying to find out if it's a documentary named Titus the Gorilla King. I'm trying to find the size. This is not helping me, Jamie. I know it doesn't say the size. Well, just Google gorillas.

Mountain gorilla. Gorilla. Just Google gorilla. You go to Wikipedia, and it tells you exactly how much gorillas. Mountain gorilla. Gorilla. Just Google gorilla. You go to Wikipedia, and it tells you exactly how much gorillas weigh. Gorilla cock. I'm saying 500 pounds. I'm saying a full-grown gorilla is 500 pounds. That's what I'm going with, Don. I think I went over too far.

700? You might not. I'm going 660. The number eight, for some reason, is in my head. 800 pounds is in my head. An 800-pound gorilla. Yeah. There was something.

500-pound gorilla, right? Wasn't that what they always said? I don't know. The 500-pound gorilla in the room? Oh. Wasn't it? That's the elephant in the room. The 500-pound gorilla was the one who could do anything he wants.

Yeah, about 510 pounds in the wild. Good job, Joe Rogan. And an obese one weighs about 600. An obese one is 600. I defer to you and guerrilla knowledge. Yeah, I know my people. You ever think comedians are smart? Some of them.

I was with the dumbest fucking group of comedians at the Laugh Factory the other night. First of all, they go... I'm going to Australia tomorrow. I told you, the Sydney Festival. I want to feel dumb already in Australia. No worry Sydney Festival. Oh, I want to go to Australia. No worry, mate. Anyway, they said, how far is it? One of the guys, I said, from Sydney to LA to Sydney is 7,000 miles. He goes, is that all?

I go, yeah, what did you think? He goes, I thought it was a couple hundred thousand miles. I said, a couple hundred thousand miles? What the fuck? I said, how far? What's the circumference of the earth? He goes, I don't know, a couple hundred thousand? I go, it's fucking, it's 24,000 miles something.

Then they didn't know anything, Joe. I was like, so far. And I'm not going to, because you know all these guys. One guy said, I said, well, how far do you think the Earth is from the sun? He goes, I don't know, like 4,000, 5,000 miles. I said, well, you don't need to fucking burn. The sun is 93 million miles, and we still get a sunburn. Like I'm all of a sudden

This wizard Yeah you're Carl Sagan All of a sudden That's hilarious Every fucking thing How could you not 200,000 A couple hundred thousand miles

A couple hundred thousand miles That's funny I don't know A couple late years Some people don't even Consider the fact That we're on a giant 24,000 mile ball

And we get cocky As if it can't just drop If it dropped two feet, we'd all feel it. Well, if we get hit with something. That's just the thing that gets me. Did you see that recent impact they spotted on Jupiter? They watched a comet collide with Jupiter.

A comet? No. Yeah, he was up there bombing. Get it? They hired him for a corporate gig. Is this thing hard? Do you do corporate gigs, Dom? Not many. Not worth it, right?

A little too rude. A little too rude. They seem like they're not worth it. I've had people crying. The president of a company's wife was crying when she heard my act. Good. It's not for me. Grow up, bitch.

You don't do corporate, right? No. You just do your own thing. You don't do..., right? No. You just do your own thing. You don't do... It's not worth it. Somebody just offered me one, a buddy of mine who works at a company, and it would be a cool gig. I want to be involved.

You know what? It's always a key word to me, but it's got to keep it clean, but it's not much money. Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself? Watch. Did you ever see my stand-up? Brian Callen did one recently. Yeah, but he could do it because he's more theatrical. But he didn't.

No, the guy told him right before he was doing this thing. And he was, this is a different story. He's, it wasn't, it was a benefit. That's what it is. Okay. He did a benefit. And right before, it was like, you know, it's a non-stand-up environment. That's how it's connected.

It's doing a stand-up comedy show in something that's other than a stand-up comedy show, you know, so if it's got some sort of an auction some benefit or something like that and he was a part of it it was for some dude he knows it's famous so he goes and right before he's about to go on they tell him to keep it PG they tell him keep it PG there's a lot of religious people here keep it PG and he's a lot of religious people here. Keep it PG. And he's like, what? Like, wait, what are you saying? You want me to come out here and do stand-up, but you want me to keep it PG? Like, you're going to tell me this right before I go on stage?

Like, I have an alternative set? Like, you know, Brian has an hour that he does everywhere on the road. He's got it honed down to a science, and that's what he's ready to do. And right before he's ready to do that they come to him and tell him to keep your PG. Yeah, that's ridiculous. You know what I hate, Joe? A little blue.

You can be a little blue. What the fuck does that mean? Don't hire somebody. So relative. Don't ask him to go. If you don't know what someone, like if you want to hire Gary Clark Jr.

but you want him to play the fiddle. He doesn't play the fucking fiddle, stupid. He's a guitarist. I mean, he probably does if he wants to. If he wanted to, he should play the fiddle. He doesn't play the fucking fiddle, stupid. He's a guitarist. I mean, he probably does if he wants to. If he wanted to, he should play the fiddle. Yeah, but I know what you mean. Yeah, but you're hiring Gary Clark Jr. to do Gary Clark Jr.

That's what you want him to do, right? You don't ask him to fucking sing like Adele. It's stupid to get an R-rated comic like Callan and tell him to be PG right before he goes on stage. That's rude. He's not even that dirty, but he's definitely not PG. He talks a lot about cock. A lot of cock.

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of it. Does he work out? I can't tell. He does. Like a dancer. I love to fuck with him.

I know. But he plays along with it, but also actually gets insulted at the same time. It still hurts feelings. Yeah. He'll play along with it, talk talk about himself that i'm built for dance i'm built i'm more like a woman and you go yeah yeah yeah like a like real womanly like a woman like narrow hips that would have to have a cesarean section and you're like you see it hits like whoa that doesn't feel good i remember i told i told joe that i says you know it's it's interesting the way your stand-up is because you don't particularly uh go for the laugh you because you don't particularly go for the laugh.

You know, you don't pander to the crowd by trying to like entertain them. And he was going, he was fucking with me a little bit. Then he goes, you don't think I'm kidding. But I got him a little. Joey Diaz pulled his dick out on stage once and Dom turns to me and goes, I see he's been writing again. Oh, boy. See, he's been writing again. That was fucking funny. I don't know. It's funny.

I mean, that's another example of friendship. Joey Diaz. Joey loves everybody who's around Joey, loves Joey. Everybody in Joey's circle. Joey's in a circle of love. If you talk to Joey, whether it's Lee syed or any of the people that he knows any people that he's around with all the time or it's me or duncan or ari everybody loves him so he's around love and support all the time i love his phone calls you get them too right he calls me he's the only one

that says my whole name just checking in on you dom, Don Marrero. Yeah. Don Marrero, you okay? Yeah, Joe, how you doing? Good. All right, baby, I'll talk to you later. Yeah, he calls people up to tell you he loves you. Just checks in on you. He's a gem. What a fucking killer actor. You never know.

He was murdering in Santa Barbara, too. Woo! He just plants his feet there and he fucking kills. Woo! God damn, he's hot right now. Damn! You know? Joey Diaz. He's on fire. He puts out a lot of material, too. Damn. You know, Joey Diaz.

He's on fire. He puts out a lot of material, too. Joey's always working on some new stuff. You know, he's always working on some new stuff. Well, he found his voice, you know. Oh, yeah. And he's also, like, really popular right now. Like, Joey is selling out theaters.

He's selling out the Wilbur in Boston. He can sell out a lot of pretty big places right now. He sells out comedy clubs like crazy. So people know what they're getting into. They're looking forward to seeing him. And when Joey feels comfortable, like he's the most funniest when he's around like us. Oh, yeah. Because he's the most comfortable because he's just surrounded by love.

And then he'll start talking shit. And then you'll be crying. Next thing you know, you're crying. But now he gets that everywhere he goes now because for years he had to get these people to like him before he could be uncle joey yeah you know he had to get him to like him and that was like part of the struggle was getting these people to understand what is in front of them right they're looking at this 300 pound cuban talking about eating asshole you gotta eat the ass am i right am i right ladies you gotta eat that muffler and they're like what

the fuck and they they don't know what to expect and they didn't plan on seeing that so it takes a while but now that you plan on seeing it and you know you're gonna see him then joey diaz if you go to a joey diaz show you go see him perform it's all joey diaz fans and it's beautiful yeah i was beautiful we're splitting uh bill at the ice house yeah last year a few times it's beautiful. Yeah, I was doing it. We were splitting the bill at the Ice House last year a few times. His fans are so much fun. Yeah, yeah. And fans of his will be fans of you, and fans of you will be fans of his.

It's a great combination. But, I mean, he's exactly what I'm talking about. He made it because he's good, but he got exposure on the Internet. It wasn't through the regular, the old channels of the Tonight Show or HBO Special or any of that shit. No, they were all upset

that it wasn't happening that way. Ari was real upset about that. Ari was real disgusted at one point in time by the old regime at Comedy Central. And he was like, they kept using the same fucking peep and I'll never get in there. And meanwhile, now he's got a show

in the second season on Comedy Central. That's great, yeah. And everything about Ari, like all the stuff that on Comedy Central. That's great, yeah. And everything about Ari, like all the stuff that kicked off, kicked off because of the internet. The amazing racist stuff that he did. Remember when he used to do Ask a Jew? Yes. At the comedy store?

He said to me, he was on my podcast, Joe, and he goes, what is it about me that looks so Jewish? I said, I don't know. He said, but you know I'm Jewish, right? You know I'm a Jew by looking at me. I said, but what is it? What definitive features?

He's like, go ahead. I don't know. Your eyes, your nose. I can't. I don't really want to break it down. Your hair. Jew is a weird one because it's a religion, but it's also a race. Like, when you say a guy looks Jewish, you know what I'm saying?

Like, you don't say a guy looks Catholic. But you could be Jewish. Like the mayor of Ireland was Jewish, and he had red hair and blue eyes. The mayor of Ireland was Jewish? Mayor of Dublin, rather. Really? Yeah. How could a mayor be a mayor of Ireland?

You know what I mean. Well, it's only the size of a state. They should stop being all high and mighty. Just come over to the United States, folks. I'll be in Kilkenny this year. United States of Ireland. I'll be in Kilkenny this year. United States of Ireland. I'll be in Kilkenny in June. Fun people, man.

Joe, I would love to have you over there. I was telling you about me and Burr over there. Yeah. Fucking crying, laughing. Yeah, we were talking about Ireland. I've done Dublin a couple times, and I did Northern Ireland. I did Belfast. Love it up there.

It's fun. They're fun people, man. I had a conversation with this fucking guy in a bar in Belfast. We were both hammered. But he was talking in a different language. I mean, I'm not exaggerating. I barely understood what he was talking. Well, because they don't open their mouth.

Like the north of Ireland and Scotland are very similar. A lot of them, they don't open their mouth when they talk, so you can't even lip read. And all he kept saying was, I'll fight any man. That's all I could hear. I'll fight any man. Because he knew we were here for the UFC. Oh, good. I'm telling you right now,

I'll fight any man. Just kept repeating himself. I'm like, alright, dude. Okay. Go fight any man. Good luck with all that. I didn't know what to tell him. I'll fight any man. Good luck with all that. I didn't know what to tell him. I'll fight any man. Hammered. Eyes rolling around his head,

just priding himself on the beating that he can take. And Glasgow is doing a TV show, and this woman, I couldn't understand her, the stage manager, I said, I'm sorry, excuse me. And finally she goes, apparently we have a language barrier. Oh, that's got to be. And I said, apparently we do. And she started laughing, that's got a lot. And I said, apparently with D.

And she started laughing and then just got a translator for me. A translator to speak English. Well, yeah, have you ever seen Trainspotting? Yes. They have subtitles, even though they're all speaking English. They're smart because it's hard to understand it for us. Yeah, they do that a lot on, like, reality shows and stuff. They'll put in subtitles.

People are whispering about shit. Yeah, yeah. But the fact that the slang or the way they talk in Northern Ireland, their dialect, is so much different than American English. But they can understand us. If I'm talking like this, everybody can understand me, right? Yeah, but they grew up on our media. But they're talking so loud and fast, and there's a difference between the way the doctors are all

the other words are smushed together lad they're smushed together it's pretty good you know they're smushed we're we're we're lazier with our words but do you understand that they grew up watching the sopranos and seinfeld we didn't grow up watching father ted or any of those english or irish shows no well top gear top gear with jeremy clarkson richard hammered grew up watching Father Ted or any of those English or Irish shows. No, well, Top Gear. Top Gear with Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond. Oh. What's his name?

Richard Hammond and something, James May. Yeah. Yeah, great show. I vaguely remember that, but... Jeremy Clarkson's

one of the funniest guys on TV in England. He was hilarious. Hilarious. Just a car reviewer. And just, I mean, he was a writer and a guy who reviewed cars, who loved cars.

But he punched his producer. They canceled the show. Apparently, I don't know what happened. Him and the guy have made up, but they've already fired him. So now they're going to do it on Amazon now. They're going to do the same show, but they have to come up with a new name for it. So Jeremy Clarkson's been talking about it, and it won't come out. It'll be more than a year from the time they fired him before this new one comes out.

Maybe contractual stuff. But in that time, they hired a whole new crew of Top Gear. And I wonder how the new crew's doing. The new crew of Top Gear England. Chris Evans is on it. Who is it? Chris Evans is on it. I don't know.

Google it. What am I, a fucking computer? Google it, man. What are you, lad? Chris Evans is on it. I don't know. Google it. What am I, a fucking computer? Google it, bud. What are you, lad? Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc. Matt LeBlanc? From Friends. In England?

No, the TV show Friends. Right, in England. Yeah, he's on that show. He's doing copier in England. Jamie, you stoned. No, a little bit. You're a little out of it. No, I'm telling you, Chris Evans.

You didn't smoke today, Joe. I did twice. Oh. I did right before the show. How dare you? Chris Evans, the YouTube guy. I'm sorry for accusing you of being straight. guy the youtube car guy he's one of the hosts on the show too in england yeah he was on the podcast and matt leblanc he's the actor from friends yeah he's there's seven people that are on it seven people on the new english show wow matt leblanc in england so is matt leblanc live in england now i don't know. Whoa. There he is, number three. How weird.

Well, that's interesting. They decided to go completely crazy and put six hosts instead of three. Yes, I'm sure they just team up to do different challenges like they did before. Who is everybody there? I'm not sure who the rest of the people are. The one guy looks like LeBron James with the air let out of him. LeBron James with the air let out of him. LeBron James with the air let out of him. There's no list of the names?

No, not here. Hmm. It's weird. This is on what, BBC? Yep. Boy, they got fucking boring television. Find out what the cast is, because who is that one guy in the background? It's not Chris Harris. Ah, that's what I was trying to know. No, you mean Chris Harris, the guy that was on the podcast? Yeah. You said the wrong name. Well, it says Chris

Evans. I don't know why I keep saying Chris Evans everywhere. I thought his name was Chris Harris. Yeah, that's right. Is it you sure the same guy? Maybe it's Chris Evans and not Chris Harris. I'm sure they probably know his name. Yeah, I got sidetracked. Sorry. Obviously, it's a different guy. Who is this? Well, just go to just Google Chris Evans. Let's see what the fuck's going on here.

Get to the bottom of this, goddammit. Jesus Christ, Dom Herrera. I hardly remember that show. We'll get a photo of this gentleman so we see what he looks like. This is Chris Evans. No, that's not Chris Harris. So Chris Harris is the guy that was on here. Yes.

Is he on this new show? Maybe they're both on it, and that's why I'm confused. It looks like it. That's Chris Harris, right? Yes. This must be Chris Harris. Confirmed. So he's one of the new Top Gear hosts. Aha. Chris Harris, right? Yes. This must be Chris. Confirmed. So he's one of the new Top Gear hosts.

Aha. All right, that makes sense. So that's Chris Evans, who's the redheaded gentleman. And then there's Chris Harris, who's been on the show. Oh. Well, that might work. That fucking guy's hilarious. Harris is hilarious.

He's really funny, man. He was really fucking smart, too. Really smart. What's his ethnic background? I don't know. So she's a German. I think she's like a BMW driver. This girl's Sabine Schmitz.

The middle guy looks familiar to me. Do you feel like you could out-drive her, even though you're a man? Don't you feel like there's something about you that'll win? Maybe. I mean, I just got a BMW, so. I got my own BMW, so basically I'm a race car driver. I don't take turns. That Chris Harris guy is awesome, though.

His series, Chris Harris on Cars on YouTube, is one of the best reviews of automobiles. He's one of the most thorough, one of the most humorous, and so educated and knowledgeable about the inner workings of a car and why certain aspects of a car affect other aspects of it and like what's good and what's bad he's just a wizard man he's really good he's a perfect guy to replace jeremy clarkson because his humor is also very british it's not as insulting as jeremy clarkson tend to be and probably not as like go for the punch line because jeremy clarkson has some hilarious punch lines he's a really funny guy man his reviews of cars were awesome it's like i would watch it and just fast forward through the other shit until he would get to a car because he's just fun what was it on here it was on bbc america okay but uh there's a top gear and then there's a top gear from here uh with uh rutledge, who is here,

and our buddy Adam Farrar is on it, and Tanner Faust. That's the show Adam's on. Yeah, he's on the American version. The American version of Top Gear. I got the host names finally. Okay. We love you, Adam.

There we go. Chris Harris. YouTube star, they're calling him. Chris Harris, F1 pundit, Eddie Jordan, motoring journalist Rory Reed, and Chris Evans and Matt LeBlanc. And the Stig. Show returns in May. Interesting. So it's returning next month.

Look, man, if Harris is on it and they let him do his thing, it'll be awesome. Matt LeBlanc grew up in my town. Really? Yeah, he grew up in Newton. I heard about him when I moved here. I think we dated the same girl at one point in time when we were young. Like when we were like teenage years or something like that. Are you the same age?

I think so. I'm 48. I think he's 48 too or something close to it. But yeah, he's from Newton. He's from Newton, Massachusetts. He's 48? Yeah. I'm 48. I think he's 48 too or something close to it. But yeah, he's from Newton. He's from Newton, Massachusetts. He's 48? Yeah. I never met that dude though.

That's where John Katz lives. Dr. Katz. How's he doing? Is he doing okay? He's all right. Still having some nerve problems, right? Yeah, MS. Yeah, man. He's funny as a motherfucker.

Always was. He was the host of the first open mic night I ever did. Really? Mm-hmm. He's not the kind of guy that should be hosting. He was great. Was he good? Yeah, he was great.

I mean, he was a pro. We knew what he was doing. He's a pro. But I was at Stitch's Comedy Club in Boston, 1988, August 27th. We were talking about Gary Shandling, you know. August 28th, 19, 19 what? August 27th, 1988. 1988, okay. Gary Shandling, 19, 19 what? August 27th, 1988. 1988, okay.

Gary Shanley, man, so sad. What John was telling me about a line he said on Dr. Katz. He said, it's important when you're making love to a woman that you end at the same time. And Gary said, no, actually it's more important that you begin at the same time. That you begin making love at the same time, you know. Yes. Anyway, it's typical Dr. Katz kind of joke. It's just not hitting me.

No, it's all right. For whatever reason, I can't fake it. Hey, that's why I said it was their joke. I don't want to take responsibility. Maybe it's coming out of your mouth. I'm expecting it to be as funny as what you come up with, Dom. Thank you, Joe. Maybe it's that.

You know what I mean, brother? Appreciate it. My pleasure. I'm trying to write. You know that. Well, brother? Appreciate it. My pleasure. I'm trying to write. You know that. You are. Well, you're always writing.

You're, uh, you're one of those guys that's, you're always, uh, enjoying the process. You know,

I think the funniest people that I know are all the ones like you or Diaz or Burr, any, any of those guys that are just constantly churning out new stuff,

constantly working out, putting on stuff. That made me feel good a few weeks ago when you were in there because I hear, I hear you laughing. I heard Mark Maron laugh. He was laughing.

I was crying, though. You were killing me. You went up guns blazing. It was funny, too, because you were following Christina Pazitsky, and she had this bit. I won't give away the bit, but you went on after her mocking the premise of the bit, and then you went deeper and deeper and deeper into it. It was so preposterous.

That was fun. That fucking place is so much fun. Well, I like to fuck around with the other acts when they're my friends, you know? Yeah. That's the one thing I used to like in the old Laugh Factory days when Brian was still coming in there

and Chris DeLay was new. And we'd get up in the balcony and just harass each other. Yeah, that was fun, man. I haven't been back to the Laugh Factory except for your shows in a long time,

but I did a show there the other night on Saturday or something like that. On what day was it? I think it was a Tuesday. Tuesday?

But damn, it was good. Woo! Crowd was on fire, man. Yeah. I did one other set there, too, for another guy. I did the John Henson show, man. I did one other set there, too, for another guy. I did the John Henson show, and then I did a Wednesday night that was packed.

It was great. They have a good room in Vegas. That's what I heard. But Brad Garrett's, they say, is better. The Brad Garrett room at the MGM. For political reasons, I don't want to make a choice. Oh, I like what you're doing there. Well, just nod your head to the left if you think Brad Garrett's better.

Don't look. Don't look at him, folks. Good folks, good. Yeah. But the Brad Garrett one, I've yet to walk inside either one of them. It's beautiful. We've got to organize a time where we're both in Vegas at the same time. I know.

I love that. How often do you do that room? I'm doing it in July. I'm doing Brad's in June I love that. How often do you do that room? I'm doing it in July. I'm doing Brad's in June. What time is your show when you do it there? Brad has only one show. I think it's at 9. At 9.

Well, if that's the case, you could go to the UFC and still make it to your show. Oh, yeah? You could go to the UFC and just leave at like 8. I had so much fun, and especially one of the most compelling sounds i've ever heard of emotion was that when uh in montreal when you invited tammy and i there that was amazing i forget the guy's name very french name georges st pierre yeah yeah man was that fun yeah we got there just in time for that i was so glad he won would have been such a bummer with that crowd like that you know yeah man in montreal and

in um in toronto toronto was the biggest crowd we had ever had before australia for a ufc event where'd you go australia uh well we've had them in sydney but the most recent one was in melbourne and it was this giant arena it was huge it was more than 60 000 so it was more than 60,000. So it was more than the Rogers place in Toronto. Was it Rod Labor? What's that? Rod Labor, the tennis guy? What do you mean? He has his own, like a stadium or something.

Oh, could be. Could be. I don't remember. I don't know. I wasn't paying attention to the name of the place. But it was awesome. I love Melbourne. Melbourne's amazing.

What a goddamn city that is. I know. The restaurants are so good people are really smart too it's like someone described it best they said it's like a san francisco of australia yeah that's what it kind of feels like it is yeah yeah i love it there man that's one place outside of america other than like vancouver or toronto or montreal where you go oh i could live here. Montreal's cold as fuck, so is Toronto in the winter. But the people are so nice, it seems like it's almost worth the tradeoff. Well, Australia, they're happy. I think part of it is they're so far away from all the trouble. I mean, even if you invaded them, you'd have to stop to refuel.

They're so ridiculously far. That's a good point. Isn't that amazing? They took an island and they filled it up with criminals and it became an awesome country. Yeah. Then they got some really good lawyers because them and the Aborigines cut a really bad deal for the Aborigines. Here's what we'll do. We'll give you all the shit spots in the middle with nothing, barren land.

We'll take the beaches and the cliffs. Yeah, we'll take all the beautiful areas and you guys can have where the spiders live. Exactly. Yeah, it is definitely a shit deal. It's just a strange society there. It's 20 million people on the entire island. And the island is enormous. There's more people in California.

There are just as many. Yeah. When I go, one of the things that's cool about that is when that door opens, you're in a different world. The trees are different. Everything's different. I'm going into fall. Yeah. It's kind of cool.

Have you ever gone to Africa? No. I've been thinking about going on one of those wildlife safaris in Tanzania. As long as I know that it's in some sort of a protected device. See, I don't go to any place where you've got to get needles to go to. Do you have to go to get needles before you go to Tanzanzania you don't have to get needles for south africa and like don't no i'm almost positive you don't so they have some places in africa we have to get needles yeah you have to get malaria shots and all that you think tanzania is one of them i would bet

that is what about zimbabwe where should i go where's the spot i just want to i think it would be cool to be somewhere it's just like i don't like those open jeeps man i don't trust those fucking things i've seen i've seen people use those things they say the cats don't jump inside it's safe and you totally do it but bullshit man well you never did before yeah exactly i mean i guess they do it every day and they know you know i guess that it's probably safe 90% of the time or 99% of the time. But if I could be in something where I knew that it was completely, like, closed off to the outside world and you can move around amongst them. I would tell you that I went to Australia and they had, I thought I was going to see kangaroos and all this, you know, wallabies. The guy says, you want some food?

I go, yeah. And I thought, you know, you throw the food at the animals and they're all happy. Then you go in there with them. Right? You're right there. They're just like there. You feed them. Fucking kangaroos, when they get up, they're pretty big, you know?

If they want to kick you and fuck you up, too, they'll break your back. And I had to punch an emu in the neck. Oh. But it was bothering Sophie. It kept nipping at her. I hit that motherfucker. It was very funny because you hear, it was going, I hit him, and I really clocked him,

and you hear, as he ran away. But I didn't know that you just walked in with the animals. Those are dinosaurs, man. Oh, yeah. They really are. You know, they think that a good percentage of dinosaurs have feathers now. There's time to revamp their opinion.

Apparently, there's a natural history museum now that actually has, I think it's in New York, that actually has a model of a Tyrannosaurus with feathers all over it. Wow. Because they think it might be what it looked like. See if you can find that, Jamie. Which kind of makes sense if you think about it. I mean, look, we see turkeys. We see these big ostriches and emus and all these fucking weird giant birds.

Yeah. Eagles. They're all dinosaurs. And they're covered with feathers. There's a natural history museum in New York City model something New York City model T-Rex feathers. Because they actually have like a life-size T-Rex or a model of T-Rex, a large model of T-Rex. It might not be life-size, but it's got feathers all over it. I want to say that it's in New York City.

I never heard that. Yeah, they're starting to think that now. Starting to think that maybe a lot of them had feathers. So wait a minute. We were descendants of the ocean or we're descendants of the land? Us. Well, it all comes from the original sources, most likely the ocean. They think that all that life came from moisture, right?

And some weird interaction with proteins and amino acids and radiation. There it is. Look at that picture, Dom. How crazy is that? Holy shit. What an insane photograph. That is just insane. So they think this might be what T-Rex looks like.

If you find it, it looks like the craziest bird ever. Like just a demonic bird. And it looks fucking terrifying. It kind of looks like hair, too, not just like feathers. Well, you know, they were non-flight feathers, you know? Oh, sure, yeah. Like some birds have different kinds of feathers. They know that there was these things called terror birds

that lived in North America that were enormous. They were like nine feet tall birds that didn't live that long ago. I want to say they lived like a million years ago. That's another one, another different example of, that's like a more conservative estimate of what the feathers looked like. But there's these comparisons of terror birds, and they put them alongside human beings, and they lived right here.

They lived in North America. They don't have any fossils of them? They do. They do have fossils of them, and there were these enormous, like nine-foot-tall birds that didn't fly, and they just jacked things, killed things, but they had beaks like a bird. So because they have beaks like a bird,

we look at that particular type of... Look at that thing. Wow. That's what these things look like. I mean, these were real animals. The image that we're looking at is a drawing, an artist's rendition of a man. Looks like a six-foot-tall man standing next to a Volkswagen with these things towering above him. And you get to see how big these fuckers are.

Holy shit. They were so big. This one is three meters tall. So that's nine feet tall. Fuck you. Kilograms? 400 kilos. That's like 1,000 pounds.

Yeah. What's 50 cm? Centimeters. Oh. Because this is all some different country where they speak some heathen language. They call it the metric system. 50 centimeters. That doesn't seem right.

50 centimeters. That's not that very... They tried to pull it on us, but we wouldn't bite. Well, it says 2.3 meters, 400 kilograms. He's 50 centimeters. The man? No. That can't be right.

Is this the man? Is that what they're... Yeah, it doesn't seem right. Is's the man is that what they're yeah it doesn't seem right is that this no what does that mean i don't know yeah that can't be 50 centimeters a centimeter is like an inch it's less than an inch isn't it yeah it'd be a really short guy he'd be a tiny guy well i guess he's below that look how tall he is compared to a beetle that's a beetle is not very tall so maybe he is a short guy. Maybe. But what is 50 centimeters as far as...

Because 50 centimeters is above his head. I mean, it is possible to use the short guy just to make a point, but... Well, yeah, you know what? He looks short because, look, if it's 9 feet tall, it's only double his size. Is he 4 1⁄2 feet tall? Is that a child? Are they playing with our emotions here? The fuck is going on?

Point being, that fucking thing was alive. It's only 50 centimeters. It's less than two feet. It's only 20 inches. It's a little dude. I don't know. That's not right. The VW Bug is definitely taller than that.

I just made a mistake. It's a bad picture. What year do these things exist? These terror birds? Does it say what year? What a fucking weird world we have as far as the biological diversity. Well, this is all new to me.

I thought we were set on what the dinosaurs looked like by their bone structure. This is not a dinosaur. This is 1.8 million years ago.. This is 1.8 million years ago. From 62 to 1.8 million years ago. So, if it's from 62 to 1.8, what is that? New findings dating them to 450,000 and 17,000 years ago. Would imply that some...

Wow, how do you say that word? would imply that some, wow, how do you say that word? Forasracids. Forasracids. Forasracids survived there until recently, i.e. the late Pleistocene. But this claim is debated. So it's possible that it was 17,000 years ago. So it's possible that it was 17,000 years ago. It's likely that it's somewhere between that and 1.8 million years ago, which is like way later than the dinosaurs.

The dinosaurs were 65 million years ago. So the oldest date they have is 62 million years. So it's 3 million years newer than the dinosaurs died. These monster ass birds survived that impact. That's what they are. They're fucking beasts. Where do you think it hit? Where?

They think it hit the Yucatan, the one that killed the dinosaurs. They pretty much know where it hit. They have this whole area. Think that just pushed the Earth out of the orbit a little? Well, they think it did something to the atmosphere for sure. They think it rained lava, like literally rained lava. They think the impact from it clouded the sky and caused nuclear winter.

I mean, the impact had the actual sphere, the globe, the Earth itself was ringing like a bell for like years. Look at that. That's the area. That's the area where it hit. The crater's buried under the ocean. It's what? Could you just imagine how big that... I mean, that's 65 million years ago.

That thing hit, and everything started from scratch. The whole world got a whole new order. Everything's different. And that can happen at any time. Not only can it happen at any time, it's most likely going to happen. That's why we should never get too cocky. Never get too cocky. You got to take a leak?

What is that? What are you showing me? We'll figure it out. All right. Relax. Dominic Herrera with secret information that he wrote down. I had to read his handwriting, too. Sorry about that.

How long before people don't write things anymore? Is that coming? It's here. But we write that. We wrote those notes. People still write little notes. Yeah, well, we still text. Yeah.

It's like we like going to a place where we see a chalkboard and the menu's written in chocolate. They wrote it themselves. Well, they don't teach cursive anymore. No. They shouldn't. Did you learn that? Yeah. Did you go to Catholic grade school?

No. I went to first grade Catholic school and then public school after that. This was in New York though? No, no. I went New Jersey Catholic school and then San Francisco, public school after that, then Florida, then Boston. Where in Florida? Gainesville.

Wow. Yeah. Every time I'd meet you, I'd learn something new. That was when, when I was a kid, alligators were endangered, and we would go to this place called Lake Alice in Gainesville, and we'd feed the alligators marshmallows. And it was weird, man. We just didn't worry about alligators. They were around.

They were always around. And they really didn't bother people. No, they don't. But there's just this agreement with people and alligators for whatever fucking strange reason. It didn't make any sense. It was almost like evolutionarily it was a bad idea for them to fuck with people so they just didn't fuck with people.

You don't bother me, I don't bother you. But they would occasionally jack someone's dog. Yeah. And when I lived there, this lady got her poodle snapped right off of her chain. She was walking it by the water, this old lady. And this thing just came out. You see the video I posted on my Twitter today? Some dude sent it to me and I retweeted it.

It's this guy's catfishing and he's got these lines set out and you have a bobber that's floating in the middle of the lake, a big heavy bobber. And when you catch a catfish, you just see the bobber moving around so you know you got one. So he goes over to the bobber. Check this out, Dom. Look at it. He pulls it up. Give us some volume here, Jamie. I think we got a garfish, dude. Because he knew it was big. He thought it was a gar. Watch this.

Oh, my God. That's a big-ass gator, buddy. That is a big gator. His legs are just like a little kid. Oh, he's crying. He's got kids in him. Yeah, of course the kid's crying. Miles got eaten by a dinosaur. He's calling for mommy. All right, kill's crying. Yeah, of course the kid's crying. Miles got eaten by a dinosaur. He's calling for mommy.

All right, kill the son. That's insane. Fuck all that. Look at when it comes up. Watch this. Jesus Christ. It's like a horror movie. Seen that thing in that mouth come up?

I was in Costa Rica, and I saw some crocodiles in the wild. We went on this tour. You get on a boat. Ooh, Jesus. You get on a boat and you see these crocodiles like lounging themselves on the water, on the banks by the water.

And then when you're passing by, they just run and slither into the water and go under the brown water and you can't find them. You don't know where the fuck they are. It is so eerie. What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

Crocodiles are way more aggressive. Oh, yeah? Way more aggressive, yeah. Those are smaller crocodiles because they're South American crocodiles. They're not like Nile crocodiles. If they were Nile crocodiles, you wouldn't even want to be in a boat. You definitely wouldn't want to be in one of those boats. They'll knock it over?

No, they'll fuck you up. There was a, I forget what nature magazine like national geographic or one of those types of magazines that had a story about these kayakers that were uh going down um a river in the congo i forget what river it was but they were going down this river and this one guy was behind this other guy in a kayak and he watched the thec come up, snap a hold of its jaws, like snap its jaws down on the kayak and then pull it under like a bobber and flipped it over and he watched it. Yeah, there it is. Kayaker, kayakers recount deadly Congo crocodile attack. So he flipped over the kayak and then the kayaks bouncing up and down because the croc is pulling this guy's body out of the harness and pulling him into the water underneath

it. And he's, this guy behind him is watching this and he's seeing the blood in the water and all the bubbles and this behemoth, this hundred million year old behemoth that's clamped its gigantic teeth down on this guy's flesh and is tearing it apart right in front of you. Wow. See, Joe, that's what makes you so much more of a man than me. Like stuff like that. You would even entertain the thought of going there. Like, you know.

I want to see it. I want to see it before. I want to see it just like from here. I used to think that, too. I used to think that, too. But lately I've want to see it i want to see it before i want to see it just like from here i used to think that too i used to think that too but lately i've wanted to see it man you know with all this talk of like they're killing rhinos and killing elephants and yeah there was this thing today where they're they're having to gun down these lions in dimbabwe because they're not they're not having hunters come there anymore like they don't have anybody to manage the population and these lions are devastating their undulates all the antelopes and all that shit.

So these hunters, they're hiring these, in Africa they call them professional hunters. They're like guides, just people that are hired by the government. And they're going in there, and they had to kill some lions. They had to kill lions that were encroaching on people's property and killing livestock and threatening people. It's just, it's all weird man remember that discussion you had with jen that night in the bar yeah about killing deer and how you have to kill some or they'll all be dead well we we talked about it here on the podcast yesterday my friend john dudley was here and we we found a statistic that's unbelievably insane and that statistic is

there's 1.5 million car accidents a year where people hit deer in America. Wow. Just in America. We knew that it was 50,000 in Michigan. We were like, how crazy is that? But then we found out about the whole country. We were like, holy shit. That's amazing.

And where my friend John lives, like him and his wife, when they have conversations on the phone, it's always like, as they're talking about their drive home from work, it's always, yeah, we almost hit a deer. I saw a deer. We saw five deer. What do you do? Drive slow? I mean, what's the answer? You can. They also have these little whistles that you put on the front of your car that lets

the deer know you're coming, and the deer will generally get out of the way. It's like a high-pitched whistle that only, like, the deer can hear. And then also, a lot of guys, they say, well, I'm just going to get a battering ram in the front of my truck. So what they do is they get these deer guards, and they put them on semis in particular, because there's places where truckers are hauling goods in the middle of the night. I mean, even in the day. It doesn't even have to be in the middle of the night.

But they'll run into a truck, and that truck will get crippled by a deer. And the deer will go into the gearing, into the engine bay, and just destroy everything, tear out the radiator. So they had to develop these gigantic, like, Mad Max-style bumpers that they put on the front of these semis just to protect the truck itself

from fucking killing things, like deer slamming into it. A lot of people get killed too right 200 a year look at this look at this look at this fucking picture we're looking at this picture of this guy's got this gigantic metal barrier in the front of his truck and this deer just went into it crushed it and it spray painted the side of the truck red all the way up to the windshield. And the deer is like hanging from the front bumper. Fuck, man.

Yeah, look at those things that they make. Look at that one that you're hovering over. Click on that. Look at the size of that thing. I mean, it's like you're driving around a non-aerodynamic battering ram just to protect your car from slamming into animals. at that it's crazy wow they do unbelievable damage when you're hitting a you know 150 pound animal and you're going 70 miles an hour like look at that one where the car's got the deer hanging out of the front yeah like it's inside the engine jeez yeah they just and that's if you're lucky if you're unlucky they go inside your front windshield my friend cam he lives up in oregon and a guy in front of him not in front of him but

this there's a guy died because the man in front of him hit a deer the deer went flying over that person's hood and threw his windshield and killed him holy shit yeah look at that just fucking blood and gore all right jamie you're bumming me out man it's a deer in the front seat yeah there's a lot of them she's you know she's a loving person you know that's why she has this distorted perception of it she's a loving person she doesn't want these animals to die i i get it nobody wants them to die that's the thing about this world that we live in it's very ambiguous in a lot of ways there's a lot of it's there's not a clear right and a wrong there's a lot of things that seem like they're wrong but if you

don't do them everything's going to be way worse and one of those things is killing beautiful animals it seems like it's wrong to kill deer if If you don't kill deer, it's way worse. They're all dead. They're fucked, and then we're fucked, and there's going to be diseases, and there's going to be a lot of problems. There's also going to be a lot of predators. If you have a surplus of deer, nature finds a balance. If you have a surplus of deer and there's any predators in the area, you're going to

get a surplus of those predators, because those predators are going to have way more food. They're going to thrive. They're going to breed. So then you're going to have to figure out how to manage not just the deer, but you're going to get a surplus of those predators because those predators are going to have way more food. They're going to thrive. They're going to breed. So then you're going to have to figure out how to manage not just the deer, but you're also going to have to manage the predator populations. You're just going to have to. And if you don't do it, you've got real problems.

Yeah, that's an 18-foot-long alligator they shot. What? Killing cattle. Yeah, what? This was in Florida? Yeah. What? He was killing cows.

Jesus Christ. Look at that thing. So this is predator control. And we don't have that much of a problem with this kind of predator control because it's a fucking

heartless, cold-blooded monster. By the way, we were so retarded. We were trying to figure out what the difference between how can a Komodo dragon be the biggest lizard

and a crocodile's not because it's bigger. Crocodile's a reptile. That's how stupid we are. What is a lizard? Is it not a reptile? It's different. can a komodo dragon be the biggest lizard and a crocodile is not because it's bigger crocodiles are reptile that's how stupid we are what's the lizard it's not it's different it's different there's lizards there's reptiles google it really so people are tweeting me man that's the extent i researched it yeah reptiles bro get it together Lizards are a widespread group of squamate reptiles. Right, but a crocodile is not a lizard. It's a reptile.

Oh, it's a different kind of reptile. Yes, exactly. And a lizard is one kind of reptile. Sort of like we're apes, but we're not monkeys. Or we're apes. No, all monkeys are apes, but not all apes are monkeys. Yeah. Yeah, all monkeys are apes, but not all apes are monkeys.

Is that right? No. All apes are monkeys, but not all monkeys are apes. I think that's it. Some of them are simians. Like, an ape is different, right? Apes are chimps and gorillas and orangutans and us, right? And baboons.

Is baboon an ape? Like, we're all mammals, but we're not all the same kind of mammal. Exactly. Fish or something. I'll be seeing seeing marsupials which is a whole different world the you'll be seeing the people with the pouches how do you like there was an article recently that this guy wrote that they're saying that the word monkey isn't like people criticize the word monkey they say it's not the correct word to use and he's saying that's not true not only is it not true all all apes are monkeys but not all monkeys are apes. That was, I think, the title of this guy's paper. It was really interesting.

Because I always thought that the word monkey was almost like a slang. But apparently it's not. No, they're different. You can actually use that word. Yeah, there's different species of monkeys as far as I know. And you're a monkey. How about that? Hey.

Fuck you, Joe. You're bullshit. I'm going to need this. I'm over here in first class. ABC paid for it. I'll get you the cookie, Rich. We were talking about our pal Steve Scheriba before his podcast started who was in The Sopranos. He's awesome. He's going to be awesome.

He's going to be in the podcast within like two weeks. Yeah, well, listen up for him. He's a killer. He's funny when he's trying to be funny. He's funnier when he's serious. Yeah, he was Bobby on The Sopranos, the big guy. It's Bobby, right? That was his character in The Sopranos?

I think so, yeah. Yeah. He was married to the lead sister. Yes. Tony Soprano's sister. Yeah. Gandolfini. Yeah. Yeah. He was married to the lead sister. Yes. Tony Soprano's sister. Yeah. She called it Gandolfini. Yeah.

Gandolfini comes up to me. I was with Steve at the Hard Rock. Comes up to me. I think he had the wrong guy. He goes, he kisses me. Like, kisses me on the cheek. Kisses me on the other cheek. He says, man, I saw you on Broadway.

I fucking loved you. I'm thinking, what the fuck Broadway did I ever do? Were you on Broadway ever just hanging out? Well, I mean. Cruising for guys. The way you looked. I saw the clothes. I think unless I was at Caroline's.

I like the cut of your jib. Well, it was Caroline's on Broadway. Yeah, but I mean. It's probably where he saw you. People don't usually call that Broadway. The non-comic group. They don't know the lineage. They don't know the verbiage.

They don't. They don't know our vernacular, Dominic. Do you go into New York at all? You do theaters there, right? Yeah. Next time I go, I want to do a club, though, I think. I love the Beacon Theater. I had a great time there last time.

I love Governors. Governors is great. Governors and the brokerage. But I want to do Gotham. I haven't done Gotham in forever. Yeah, I did a TV show there last year, but I haven't done stand-up there for a while. What a fucking great club. I heard the stand's great, too, now.

I didn't know that one. Yeah, I heard it's great. But my problem is I'm always going there for UFC and comedy. Like, I don't have enough time to hang around. That's a good problem, Joe. It's not a bad problem, but I don't have enough time to hang around. You know, there's an interesting scene in New York. You you know there's a bunch of different factions of the scene there's even a weird alt scene in brooklyn you know yeah they had to branch out a lot of weirdness but interesting

it's like there's a lot of bubbling creativity and people trying to find their niche right now there's all these different people kind of scrambling to find their niche in the world of comedy and when you you look at the different communities that develop in different parts of the country, it's interesting to see the different styles, you know. Do people ask, do young comics ask you, like, how you made it? No. They ask you. That's so open-ended.

Yeah, but I always get asked, how do you get certain things? You know, like the thing, I've gotten, I've lost my patience with some people, like, looking for an easy way out. I go, you know, you get it because people ask for you. They go, you know, like, they always think, like, this club owner hates them or this shit. I say, he don't fucking hate you. He's trying to pay his bills.

He doesn't even think about you. Well, there's some legitimate questions that young comics ask. Like, how does one go about getting a manager? Yeah do you get an agent all that kind of stuff that's good and it's good for us to give advice to young comics saying do not get a manager because it's the first manager that asks you because there's a lot of people that are going to be the first manager that asks you to manage them and they might not be right for you yeah that's why you look at a lot of guys like chapelle orappelle or a lot of these guys that have left their management.

They started with one guy, and they didn't want to be with him anymore, and they left, and they left maybe again, maybe again. I know quite a few guys. Was that Chappelle's old manager we saw last week at the improv? Yes. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. There's a few of those.

That was a fucking hilarious moment of tension because you and Tosh and I were standing there, and he just said hi to me. There's a few of those. That was a fucking hilarious moment of tension. You and Tosh and I were standing there, and he just said hi to me. Kind of dipped in. Well, he knows we don't like him. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not that I hate him.

Just really. There's only so much Hollywood a man can take. Right. Before he's just screaming out in agony that what you have imposed upon us. Stop. There's a few of those guys. It was a funny fucking moment frozen in time. I'll never forget the look.

Dipping in. It was a bunch of those guys, man, that really shouldn't be involved in management. You know, I had a, okay, Kevin James. Kevin James is a good friend. And one of his earlier managers was giving him fucking terrible advice, including wanting him to stay fat. Kevin was trying to be healthy and was trying to lose some weight, and the guy literally said to him, Kevin, if you lose weight, you're going to lose rolls. You're not going to get cast. You're the lovable fat guy.

It's paying off. Stick with it. Stick with it. Stick with it. But that was his real statement. If you lose weight, you lose rolls. And Kevin came back to talk to me about it, and he was just really eaten up by it. He was like, what the fuck?

Because that's not what Kevin wanted to hear. Kevin is a guy that works hard, and he's very smart. But if you tell him that the sky is falling, he'll be like, holy shit, is it? Are you sure the sky is falling? Fuck, the sky is falling. He needs encouragement. He's really fuck this guy's falling like he needs encouragement Like when he's he's really funny when he's around his friends like we were talking about Joey being surrounded by people Yeah, yeah, Kevin operates kind of in the same way I agree when we had a great dinner one night remember I came to see you over at the Palm. Yeah

Yeah, it's fun to see him relaxed and loose. Well. He knows I love him You know I mean that's why it was fun doing those movies with him. But Kevin, when you're supporting him and when he's around people that support him, he can be himself and he can cut loose. But when you've got someone telling you, hey, man, don't get healthy, because if you get healthy, you won't be successful. You have to choose one or the other. And I go, dude, that's crazy.

Think about how many people that are funny that aren't fat are telling me that it's impossible for you to be. You're hilarious. His whole act wasn't predicated on fat. Not at all. But he felt in some weird way that people loved him because he was a big jolly guy. You know? No, he's talented.

He's fucking talented as hell. And so it angered me. It angered me that someone would try to limit him in that way. That someone would try to limit him in that way. That someone would try to put him in the, but that's the problem with having a bad manager when you're a young guy. When everything is just starting out and you know, you're in your twenties and you're all vulnerable and you only started out just a few years ago and you're still getting your feet wet.

You're trying to figure out how to do this thing. You know, I go like this, should I go like that? And you know, Kevin would do this thing, what he calls going full shimmy. And full shimmy was when he fucking freaked out about something.

Because shimmy was his nickname. We always call him shimmy. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. And full shimmy would be when he would just go ballistic. And, like, he would be, like, one time we were hanging out together. And I went with him.

He had a gig. And I just went with him to watch, just to laugh, just to sit down and laugh. And because I was there, he was like having a great time because he'd hear me laugh. Showing off for you. Yeah, well, he said he got into it because I swear to God, people don't

know how good Kevin James was at one point in his career. I mean, I'm assuming he's just as good now, but I haven't seen him do stand-up in a long time. Yeah, I haven't was going off and and he he he like was his face was red he was spitting and he was just going off about something and that was what we would call going full shimmy and like he'd be you know you're not going to do that if you're worried about people not liking you if you you lose you got to be free yeah to go off you know it's like we're a guy like joey he's got you got to be free to be able to just cut loose and those bad

managers are fucking terrible for that because they've never done stand-up they don't know what it takes they don't they don't they haven't grasped the concept that each individual has to find their own path all they're thinking about is how to mold someone into some bullshit persona for marketing for a marketing point of view you know for marketing purposes that's what they're thinking how can I sell this guy I think the the the path thing is really what I'd like to say just we take your own path some people make it in two years some people make it in 10 15 like we're talking about Joey Diaz I got one Sherippa story to tell you about. You know my name and your manager on the air, do you?

Mine? Well, I don't know if he wants that. Okay, so it was him. It's easy to find. It was him. And he said, we always have Sharippa stories. So he says, I told Sharippa, I said, we're going to Lake Mead on Saturday. You want to go?

And Steve goes, no, I can't, but I can comp you a boat. Yeah, I remember that. Can I tell you this? And your manager says to me, who the fuck else can comp you a boat but Sherip? He was so connected to Vegas. Sherip is the best.

Oh, yeah. He's such a character. As is my manager. Yeah, he's funny. Jeff's a goddamn character, too. You know what he's really into now? He goes striper fishing. Really? Surf casting. Loves it. You know who he's really into now? He goes striper fishing. Really?

Surf casting. Loves it. It's when you stand in the water? Yeah, he could stand in the water with waders. He could just stand on the beach itself and cast into the water. Oh, this is the ocean. Yeah, he catches these giant-ass fucking striped bass. God, there's a wild world just outside New York, and a lot of people don't know about it.

If you go to certain parts of Long Island, you go surf casting. Oh, it's beautiful. Yeah. Oh my God. But it's incredible. He took me once. We weren't successful, but I got it. Just being there with him.

I got what he likes about it. Like there's a whole process to it. You take some air out of your tires and there's places where you're allowed to drive onto the sand and you pull up on the sand. These are like fairly remote areas in Long Island that these guys go to specifically just for surf casting striped bass. That's what everybody wants to catch. They want to catch stripers. And they're all casting out these giant ass fucking poles because, you know, you can get a 30 pound fish.

You got big ass striped bass out there. Yeah. And you don't catch them that often, but sometimes you run into a whole school of them and everybody catches them. And those are like these magical times. It's an interesting, in a lot of ways, fishing's like an interesting discipline. You know, and Jeff's kind of found it. I don't have the patience for it.

No? You're too ADD. Yeah. Well, you play pool, though. I love pool. Yeah. But you have patience for that. Yeah, well, I guess I have patience

for the things I love. Fishing, to me, I can't imagine. Have you ever caught a fish and then cooked it and ate it? No. How dare you? Who are you? How'd you get in here? I'm a pescatarian.

I always love these people that say, you know, they don't eat meat, but they eat fish. Like, as if that's humane. How do you know fish don't have feelings? Well, they don't take care of their children. What fish? Yeah, they shit out some eggs and the male comes over and comes on them like a freak. Joe. That's what happens.

That's very rude. That's how they do it. Can we talk about this later? I saw a guy on Instagram bragging about how he's 90% vegetarian. He was talking shit about people who eat meat and hunters in particular he's talking shit about hunting and he's saying look i get it i'm 90 vegetarian but you know what you people are doing is awful like fuck you only bacon because it's delicious but how funny is that where someone can pretend that he fucking bacon ham sandwiches cheeseburgers every now and then

he goes off so he's trying to say that he's got some moral right to complain about someone who hunts because he's 90% vegetarian. And that's not vegan either, by the way, which means milk, animal products, eggs. That's a tough one. Ridiculous fuck. Ridiculous dummy. But taking the moral high ground from saying, I kill less animals per year than most. Okay, man. Most of the time, not killing anything.

People are so goofy. 90% vegetarian. The fact that you would write that down and go, yeah, send. That's it. Post it. I'm going to let this motherfucker know. Yeah. I've never heard that.

That's the most ridiculous one I've ever heard. I've heard a lot of rationalizations, but that's... So many dummies out there. If you... I think that, like, if you did go catch a fish once and then cook it and ate it, you would get it. You'd definitely get it a little bit. It's fun.

It's fun to catch them, and then they taste so good. If you can catch a fish and then have it cooked or you cook it within a few hours of pulling it out of the ocean holy shit it's like a different thing something happens to fish when it sits around for too long even when it's frozen and thawed out it just doesn't retain the same quality that it has when you pull it right out of the water yeah that's pretty cool i i was in honolulu and they had a place where you cook your own fish oh yeah, yeah? I didn't want to cook my own fish. Yeah.

I said, wait, do I have to wash my own dishes, too? What kind of restaurant is this? Well, you don't go to those grill places where you lay the meat out. They have a Japanese place near me that has these little grills in front of you. Oh, the hibachi? Yeah, something like that. And you lay the meat and you cook it right in front of you. You seen that shit?

Korean barbecue, I think. I've seen Korean barbecue, but I've also seen a Japanese one. You know, they probably ripped it off from the Koreans, let's be honest. Is it good? You like it, though? Is it good?

Yeah, it's fun. A lot of controversy over that. But you cook it yourself. It's kind of weird. You're cooking. What do you do? You provide me a plate of meat. There's a couple actual grill...

I don't know exactly where they are, but I've seen them on TV probably because there's only one or two, but you go pick up your meat like a butcher. The front of the store is a butcher-type place, I don't know exactly where they are, but I've seen them on TV probably because there's only one or two. You go pick up your meat like a butcher. The front of the store is a butcher type place. In the back is a bunch of grills. You hang out with your friends and grill your own steaks at the restaurant.

Then you sit down at a picnic table. I don't want to do that. If you know what you're doing, though, it's fun. Then you don't have to do any of the cleanup. They do it the right way. If they have really good grills, they use like mesquite, lump charcoal, and they got, you know, they set the coals up nice.

That'd be pretty cool. I use Y-Cook and Yummy. Y-Cook? Yeah, Y-Cook. Y-Cook is like a thing. A friend of mine owns it and it's like high-end restaurants that deliver. Uh-huh.

It's just cool. Oh, that's great. A friend of mine, he's a triathlete, right? And he's probably going to make the Olympics. He was staying over at my house. And I said, you want to go shopping? I go, and I hand him the yummy thing.

What do you mean? I said, we're not going anywhere. You just fucking call for the food. You don't go to restaurants? Oh, I go to restaurants, yeah. But you'd rather just have it delivered? No, just if I'm watching a game or something. Oh, okay.

So do you cook ever? Never. I reheat. So you have like a whole stove that just sits there. The only time that my stove is used is to heat up water for tea. Hmm. That's interesting. You've never like sat down and cooked a steak and made some mashed potatoes or anything? I used to cook what I called chicken irera, which was two lumps of margarine and black pepper on chicken at $325 for an hour.

Jesus. The only thing I ever cooked. How bad was it? I don't know. I was starving. So it tasted pretty good. This is when I was really broke, doing my little Joey Bagadona attack. So you never got into cooking yourself a meal?

That's interesting. I'm a big fan of cooking. Are you? Yeah, I love it. That's good. It keeps your head straight. Well, it's also just satisfying. You make a nice meal and you sit down and eat it.

I like it. Plus, I like controlling what what goes in my body 100 you know like i'm on this uh wacky very low carb low sugar intake diet no processed sugar no added sugar i don't need any candy or soda no ice cream no bullshit and on this diet i kind of have to make sure that i control like even salad dressings like you would think you go to a nice restaurant you order a salad, and then you're eating it. You go, okay, this is filled with sugar. I could taste this dressing's filled with sugar.

Well, they don't care. They want it to be delicious. They don't care about the health. Well, they also don't have to put, like, the ingredients in the menu. Like, when you see the menu and it says, like, balsamic vinaigrette, it doesn't say what's in that balsamic vinaigrette. It might be just chock full of fucking sugar. Some of those steaks, I don't know if it's Roost Chris or one of those. I don't want to nail any particular steakhouse, but they broil them in butter.

Yeah. Like it ain't fucking fat enough to eat a steak in butter. It's all good for you, though. Well, it's delicious. It's good for you. It's good for you. It's not good for you if you're fucking having heart problems. Yeah, you got a problem already.

It's not the steak's fault. You're right, Joe. You've converted me. It's not. Dietary cholesterol barely moves the needle on blood lipids. There's all sorts of problems that lead to people having high cholesterol, sedentary lifestyle. There's a lot of genetic problems. But they're finding now that saturated fats and all these things they were blaming on issues with people, that's not necessarily what the problem is.

What's the problem? There's a host of problems. Not exercising? It's a big problem. It's a big problem. Huge problem with people. The overconsumption of certain types of foods. Sedentary lifestyle.

You're just even sitting in a chair all day. It's fucking terrible. See, I got inspired today because of how bad I was playing pool. Now I'm going to get back on the table. You're going to get back on the table. I'm just saying as a challenge to myself. Well, you have a table in your apartment. Yeah. What the fuck, Dom? I mean, how lazy do you have to be not to

walk? I mean, I got a treadmill. I got a bike. I did the treadmill today for 20 minutes like it's a big deal, but it's better than nothing sitting there like a big fucking bloke with big tits. The treadmill's great for 20 minutes. That's good. If you can do 20 minutes like it's a big deal but it's better than nothing sitting there like a big fucking bloke with big tits the treadmill is great for 20 minutes that's good if you can do 20 minutes every day just force yourself to do only 20 minutes every day put a television show on that's what i do i watch the news it's great watch cnn or espn you know it's great did you ever see steve harvey does his morning show steve harvey does the fucking morning

show sometimes on a elliptical machine. Really? He's taking phone calls on a goddamn elliptical machine. This is a radio show? Yeah. Steve Harvey in the morning. It's hilarious. Grind and hustle.

Grind and hustle. That's what he says. He works a lot. Keep your head down. Grind and hustle. Yeah, he works a lot, man. It does pay. It does pay.

The guy works hard. You can't say anything other than that. When you're talking about the guy's work ethic, Steve Harvey's constantly doing something. You have a lot of energy, Joe. I don't know many people with your energy. I'm doing a bunch of fun, enjoying things, enjoyable things. Annoying. That sounded like it was a Freudian slip, but it's not.

They're all enjoyable. Podcasts are enjoyable. UFC's enjoyable. This is enjoyable. It's fun to watch you do stand-up now because you really have fun now. The difference between you when I first met you, all of us hopefully evolve and hopefully for the better. But I see you have that smirk on your face.

I know that you're enjoying it it's fun you know you know it's fun i've been i've been enjoying being at the store that's a big part of it i've been enjoying that and it's funny how your friends can inspire like jim carrey was in one night and i don't know if i told you this ended up getting like a little part in his pilot playing the lounge comedian yeah is this thing on when is that thing gonna show there was a lot of hype i don't think it's gonna show up for a little part in his pilot, playing the lounge comedian. Is this thing on? When is that thing going to show? There was a lot of hype on that. I don't think it's going to show for a while.

I think they're casting it still, and I think they're going to start shooting until July. Oh, they haven't started shooting yet? But isn't this funny how the little kid in you always comes out? When I saw you and Marin in the back, I really wanted to have a good set for the fun of showing off in front of my friends. Jim was there. I hadn't seen him actually since Rodney died. And Jim, you know, I knew him from the comedy store. And I showed off for him.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not above admitting that I was fucking showing off. Well, it's inspiring. I mean, you can call it showing off, but, you know, you want to put on a show for him. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with that. That's one of the cool things about that place is it's a very high level.

Oh, man. Go there any night. You're going to see Sebastian. You'll see Burr. You'll see you. Tom Segura's in there now. His wife is goddamn hilarious, too. Jesus Christ, she's good.

Yeah, you told me. Christina Pazitsky. Oh, that's Christina? That's his wife. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was there watching her that night before I went on there. That's right. You went on right after her. Yeah. You're making fun of that bit. How funny is she? That's his wife. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was there watching her that night before I went on there. That's right. You went on right after her.

Yeah. You're making fun of that bit. How funny is she? She's very funny. She's a monster, man. They're fucking podcast hilarious, too. You ever heard their podcast? No.

It's called Your Mom's House. It's really funny, man. They're really silly. They're really fun together. It's a great show. And they're doing it real smart, too. I was talking to him about it. We were talking about how many they do a week.

And he's like, we'd like to do one a week because that way we do, like, a lot of living in between shows. You know? And it's paying off. They do live shows. They do live podcasts on the road. Didn't he work with you sometimes? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I met Tom when we were doing the Maxim Real Men of Comedy Tour, me, Charlie Murphy and John Heffron. And what we did was we went across the country and they would use a local act to warm the show up. That would be like the first guy. So the first guy would do like, I don't know, 10 or 15 or something like that. And that would be the local guy. And in some places they didn't use local guys. They just used guys that somebody liked or somebody thought was good. They just cast somebody. I don't remember who the booking agent was that put the tour together, but they did this.

And there were some good guys, some funny guys. And then there was Segura. We were in Phoenix. We did that theater in the round, the Hollywood Theater. And Segura went out and just killed. And I was crying laughing. And he's just ridiculous, and his jokes are absurd. He's so good.

He was so good then. And then we became friends, and I started taking him on the road. Is there anybody at any time in your career that you didn't want to follow? Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I was young, for sure. Because I didn't understand. I would think that them doing well meant that I wouldn't do well. Right.

But all that means is that you need to get better. You need to work on your act. You know, everyone wants to protect the state that they're in right now. Like, any time you're, if you're in a state that the audience doesn't think is funny, you you got to figure out a way out of that. You either got to figure out a way out of that with more material or you got to, there's got to be a way. And you might not find that way tonight. But that's a lesson.

And you got to take that lesson and you got to figure out how, what went wrong. Well, one of the things that goes wrong a lot of times, you see someone kill and you get nervous. Like, shit, I got to follow that. You don't instead think, this is awesome'm laughing i'm having fun the audience is having fun too isn't comedy great yeah you know that's why i take joey on the road with me like i'm doing like the um arlington theater was tony hinchcliffe crushed for like 25 minutes then joey crushed for like 29 25 minutes whatever he did i don't know how many minutes it was. That's great that you can enjoy it and still go on.

Well, you can too, you know. You've always been great, Dom. You know, when we first met and I was young and we were in Montreal together and then we met at Amsterdam and played some pool together. You were always, from the time I was like like you know basically just kind of starting out you've always been like encouraging and cool and fun to hang out with and you've always been like a real comics comic and there's not a lot of guys unfortunately that maintain that sort of um camaraderie and friendship with the other people involved in their profession you know well i

appreciate you saying that i mean i get it back though you know it's like i told you chris delio said one night he goes you know what's interesting about you he goes i never think of you as older than us i think of you as one of us i go that's all i want yeah i just want to be judged on my performance not that i'm older, you never stopped growing either. You never stopped working and you never stopped growing and you never stopped constantly evolving your act. And you're just as sharp as you've always been, if not sharper. And because of that, like you're always going to be like one of us.

For us, all of us, I think even for you and I in the early days, there was those guys that came around that the puzzle was too difficult for them to solve for whatever reason, and they never got there. They never got there, and then they were stuck. And they would do these sets at the store, and they would do the same material, and you knew the jokes, you knew the punchline, because they had been doing them for 15 years.

And we all knew those guys. Those were the old guys. Well, it's unfortunate, but those are the old guys well it's unfortunate but but those are the old guys it's not being old not chronological it's in more of a state yeah well it's just they're stagnant they're stagnant whereas a guy like carlin to the very end was writing new material this guy he died in a hotel he was to the very end was writing and creating and putting out a new hour every year he's kept doing it yeah i mean it doesn't have and and respected to the end right absolutely revered to the end people go see him loving it to the end well you know who was amazing in that

regard was rodney dangerfield because he did joke jokes that we would really consider corny yeah his fucking character was so overwhelmingly hilarious and brilliant that we all loved him. We all laughed at him. We respected him. And he never stopped writing. No. No, Rodney also was another supporter of comedians.

Like Rodney Dangerfield's specials, the young comedian special that you were on, that Dice was on, that Hicks was on, that Kinison was on. Schimmel. Schimmel. Schimmel. Lenny Clark. Lenny Clark, Carol Leifer, Barry Sobel. Yep. He let the world know about some of the best talent of your era.

Did I ever tell you about the night I auditioned for him? No. I was at the comedy store. We're supposed to do 10 minutes each, right? So Barry Sobel goes on, does 25 minutes. Then Damon goes on, does 25 minutes. And I'm fucking furious, right? So I go up, and all I do is I say,

what did Damon expect? And I love Damon, but this is a long time ago. I go, what did Damon expect? To, like, get funny at the 23rd minute? You know, like, it was like all of a sudden he's bombing. I said, it wasn't happening for you tonight, Damon. Let go and i just thought so rodney comes up to me goes you know kid you're funny but all you do is lay into people what the fuck you got an act or what you know and so then he saw me at the improv and then i got it but it was that was my uh introduction

to rodney dangerfield what was like did you get upset at damon and not upset at barry sobel no i was upset at both of them. Just that Damon happened to be the one right on before me. Was it going well for him or something? No, they were really tanking. And both of them were very effective comedians. And I was just pissed off because my thing is, you know, it's a 10-minute audition. Just do it.

Do the best you can and get off. But don't keep going because you're not doing well. Or don't keep going because you're doing well. Yeah, there's some people that, like, if you audition for the comedy store and they give you one of those five-minute spots or three-minute spot or whatever the hell it is. Oh, my God. How many minutes is it? I think it's three.

When they come see you, though. Oh, no. If you bring somebody in. This was a special showcase. This was like 10 minutes each. But I think if you bring somebody in, if someone auditions for the talent coordinator, how many minutes do they do? I don't know. Like a pro comes in and they do a set.

They do 10 minutes? I'm not sure. But whatever it is, if you go over that, they just won't pass you. Oh, I know. They just won't. I mean, we don't need this. Yeah. We don't need some person who can't follow instructions.

We have a mutual friend who did that. Yeah. Unfortunately. I just respect other people's time. And, you know, like, that whole fucking thing about going on. Like, when Eddie Griffin and those guys, and I never had a problem with Eddie,

but that's, you know. He would go on for hours. He would close the place. He would go on at nine and stay on until one o'clock in the morning. And he wasn't even supposed to be, like, on the lineup. He would just show up. But that was when he was a huge star you know that place has always been weird with when

people are huge stars they could just come in like damon used to be able to come in anytime he wanted and he would go on stage and do 45 minutes or whatever he wanted you know it's like you you allowed them you know you allowed them that moment well some people i mean my thing is like one of the things if i i taught anything to anybody younger than me that was my friend was to tash and it was not to abuse your power or be a jerk off about it somebody if you're going to bump somebody go up to them and say hi i'm going to do 10 minutes are you cool with that if they say i can't please don't you know then, then wait. A lot of us have a real problem with it. We don't like it

and we don't do it and we haven't done it. I'm not a big believer in it. I think it's not that hard to call. You never bump people. No. I don't think it's hard to call. It's not hard to call in

and get on the schedule and just try to figure it out. And if you do show up and they ask to put you on, I don't think that's bumping. If you show up and the club asks you to go on and do a set yeah you sure it's okay yeah you know you don't say hey i want to go

on after irera put me up because that's the thing that like you know who used to like to do you know that guy the one who's not really mexican he used to like to show up haven't you heard him enough don't say his name he's like candy man but the people like to do it as like a power trip exactly and they like to do it in front of you like say if they didn't like you they would go up in front of you i'm gonna go on after i really say if you were someone was going after you and he didn't like them he'd go on right after you say uh i'm going on next and then just go in there and just crush for 40 minutes and do half your shit right but that was a different

scenario you know it's like a vampire in an artist colony red band said that he saw somebody do one of my jokes who i don't know and he said then the guy there were it was like on a tv thing and the guy hollered out that's don marera's joke i don't know which joke i don't know because he he told me he was going to text you with it i guess he forgot hmm that's unlikely i saw a thing last week kidding brian forgets everything oh does he he's partying he's having a great time the kid's squeezing life like an orange he's getting the juices out yeah he smokes a little weed dom he does he does anything all things in moderation, Joseph. So your Xanax thing, it puts you, you were saying at the beginning of the podcast, it puts you like in a level state.

Yeah. Is there any downside to it? Yeah, drowsiness. Drowsiness. But the drowsiness probably calms you down. Makes you like maybe a little bit more hilarious. Yeah. I don't mean, I don't get nervous for the stage.

I don't get nervous for, I get nervous for just being, you know. The existential angst of being or like were you worried about mortality, worried about death or just an unnamed thing? I'm not hip on it, you know. I mean, I was writing a stupid joke about we have to have a finite number of loads left. Right. You know, that we have enough jizz to shoot a load and i was thinking it's kind of sad but interesting i wonder how many loads i have left well it's a matter of how much your body needs i would imagine if you spit in a bucket your body would be forced to produce more

spit because you're constantly spitting yeah you know like if you decided okay today is april whatever the fuck it is 13 2016 the next 30 years i'm trying to see how much spit i can do in my spare time so i'm gonna get a vat i'm gonna dig a hole in my backyard and have some glass makers make this gigantic vat and i'm gonna lift up a up a lid, and I'm going to spit in it every day, and I'm going to try to fill that glass up before I die. Can you imagine? I knew I could get a good answer out of you. If you did that, if you had the lid of a fucking hot tub, and you lift it up, and there's a seven-foot deep vat that's made out of glass, and you're just chucking loogies in there and closing it up every day, how much spit would you actually be able to create?

Excuse me, prevent evaporation. You would probably create life. Probably some new fucking organism would grow out of that thing and kill your fucking neighbors. Joe, who cleans up a bit with spit? I appreciate that. You took it to a classier level. Yeah, spit. Oh, I would say cum. You could do it

with cum too, but you wouldn't be able to measure it because hopefully you're cumming in somebody doing it. Oh, boy. I like to do it. Or in the back of her head. Hey! It's hard to scrape it off and weigh it exactly. But if you spit into a vat, you'd have like a control. You know, you'd have the vat.

You'd have a nice seal, airtight seal, so it's not going to evaporate. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Lift it up, close it down. Now I'm getting hungry. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, how much cum would be lost in their hair alone? You would never get an accurate measurement.

You would have to, like, adjust for hair. Like, okay, how much cum did you wind up scraping off? Well, I got about a half an ounce, but I think there's another quarter in that hair. Okay. You'd have to, like, put an asterisk next to how much cum did he cum today. I definitely have that thing of how many times left in life. Even when I was a kid, I remember being four years old and looking in the mirror and going, I can't believe I'm going to die someday, and I'm so fucking cute.

I remember a conversation I had with my stepdad when i was seven and it was right when i had lost my religion i lost my religion when i was seven wow no i went to uh that's the age of reason catholic school catholic school did me in i just realized it was bullshit and my parents were kind of my stepdad was a hippie and my my parents were kind of becoming hippies and uh my mom was becoming a hippie you know hanging of, my stepdad was a hippie. And my parents were kind of becoming hippies. And my mom was becoming a hippie, you know, hanging out with my stepdad. But when I asked him, I said, well, if, you know, if there's no heaven, there's no God, what happens to you when you die? He's like, probably nothing. Probably just, you just aren't here anymore.

I started crying. I started crying. Sure. I remember it. I was just so scared. I was just scared. It's is a natural instinct you don't want it to end yeah we all have it and it's um part of the the management of life is trying to decide which way you allow your brain to go not just today but forever for as long as you're conscious. There's got to be certain roads you don't go down.

And if you do, you have to be able to look at those subjects or whatever those roads are rationally. Because if you just want to freak out and sit here and freak out about death, you're not going to enjoy this moment, which you have. You are alive. I mean, right now, we are all, everyone listening to this is alive. sit here and freak out about death, you're not going to enjoy this moment, which you have. You are alive. I mean, right now we are all, everyone listening to this is alive and that this is all you've got. This is what you've got. You've got right now. So when, when is it going to be over? It does. It literally does not matter for this moment right now, for this moment right now, it's hard to do, but you got to enjoy this and it's going to do but you gotta enjoy this and it's gonna go away one day but you don't have to dwell on that just leave that knowledge in your head and enjoy this because

what a shame it would be if this whole thing was temporary and the whole time you couldn't enjoy it because you were worried when was it going to end yeah and there were so many cool aspects of it and so many fun things to do and weird things to see and cool people to meet and fun food to try and books to read and movies to watch and places to visit. And you just didn't do it. You didn't do it because you were paralyzed by the fear of this thing that you're not even experiencing to the fullest ending. And also by the seeking the reward at the end. Yeah. Like as if this time isn't a reward in itself, you know.

This time is, yeah. I mean, that's what, like, it takes a long fucking time to cement that into my stupid head. And that's why, you know, when you say, like, you see me having fun, I am having fun.

I'm having more fun now doing stand-up than I ever have in my life. I can see that. It's fun, man. It's a fun thing. You know? And when I approach it like that, it's been more rewarding.

I think my act is better. I think it's all, it's just, and there's so many of us now. There's so many of us. When you do that one bit, the closing bit, you are so into it. It's so fucking Funny but spooky But on so many levels it gets me That's why I asked you last night If you had done it for a special yet

That's gonna be the next one That's definitely your closer though I can't follow it right now But I might be Doing it in June Trying to figure out when I'm gonna do my special I'm working it all out right now Dom Herrera.

It's Herrera from now on. I'm going to do a Netflix special very soon within the next three or four months. I should do one. I haven't done one in a while. Fuck's sake, Dominic, you're too funny to be sitting on the sidelines as a spectator.

Yeah, you should do one, man. When was the last time You had someone come out To see you like that I don't remember When are you doing A headliner set in town In town

Yeah Or anywhere near here Comedy Magic Club When is that In June Yeah I'll have the Netflix people Come out to see you

Oh yeah Fuck yeah Cool Fuck yeah Do you know when in June I'm not positive I should know the dates You should know your Fucking dates Dom Iriara the Netflix people come out to see you. Oh yeah? Fuck yeah. Cool. Fuck yeah. Do you know when in June? I'm not positive. I should know the dates. You should know

your fucking dates, Dom Herrera. Luckily, you're on the internet. The first week, I'm at Kilkenny. The second week, I'm at,

oh, fuck. Second week is the 10th and the 11th, so you'll be in Vegas that weekend? I'll be in Vegas and then the next week

is, pretty sure that's it. Okay. It's either that or the weekend before July 4th. I think I might be home, or that might be a UFC. Wow, I feel like that's a UFC. Okay, there's your schedule, lad. Here you, lad.

Yeah, the July 6th through 12th, Las Vegas, Brad Garrett's Comedy Club. June, rather, 6th through 12th, and Vegas, Brad Garrett's Comedy Club. June, rather, 6th through 12th. And then right after that, it must be Comedy Magic Club. Montreal Comedy Festival. Yeah, I don't know why the Magic Club's not in there. Isn't that funny to see Perth, Australia, and then Delray Beach, Florida? It's a big chunk of the earth. Yeah, that's a big swath.

You're cutting a path through this great land of ours. Yes. You are, with your jokes. Humor, giving. How're cutting a path through this great land of ours. Yes. You are with your jokes. Humor giving. Dominic Harrier. So, we're going to wrap this fucker up. What's that? We're going to wrap this fucker up.

I was just going to say, I had so much fun last night with the girls at the store. Oh, yeah. They were the greatest staff. The girls and the boys, too. Let's not be gender specific, Dom. Well, we were goofing around with the girls and Jessie Mae. Yeah. Yeah, she's great. And the wait staff is great.

Everybody's great. Management staff's great. Emily's great. The people who work there are just great. It's a great place, man. It's got a great vibe now. It's almost a completely different universe. It is completely different.

It's like it was sick. There's happiness there now. Yeah. It was like it was sick and someone came along and gave it medicine and now it's not sick anymore. Now it's flourishing. Exactly. It's a totally different thing. It was on the ropes for three years.

It was. I didn't think it was going to stay open. Well, when I came back, when I watched Ari do a special, which if you watch the podcast with Ari and you notice that I almost cried like a bitch, you'd be correct. Were you laughing? No that I almost cried like a bitch you'd be correct well I want to laugh it or no I almost cried because we were talking about me coming back to the store and you know our goes again Ari's been my friend since he was a doorman yeah you know we were buddies when he was an amateur he was just starting out and so for me to be on a hiatus from a story i wasn't i wouldn't didn't perform there for seven years the one of the the main motivating factor was two things one that um

adam eget it came came to see me at the improv and then talked to me and you know told me he's running it now and i knew adam from uh phoenix phoenix right that was big That was big. But the biggest one was that Ari was doing his special there. There's no way. There's no way I was going to miss that. Do you remember me telling you to come back? Yeah. I remember exactly the conversation. I said, Joe, that past is over.

We've got a bunch of your friends are over there and we would love you to come back it was like you know because they bet on the wrong horse right and that whole thing went down well there was just so many crazy things going on at that place with the guy who's running it before he was out of his mind this has nothing to do with the past that's why it was so great that you came back yeah you. Everybody loves you there. It's fun because you don't separate yourself from them.

We were talking about people's attitudes. And it's just such a, it's so fun to have you back there. I know that I'm going to see you once or twice a week there. Before, you were at places that I didn't feel like driving to. Right. Yeah, Ice House. Yeah, I hear you, brother. I feel the same way, man. I'm't feel like driving to. Right. Yeah, the Ice House. Yeah. Yeah, I hear you, brother. I feel the same way, man.

I'm happy. I'm happy. But I still like doing the Ice House, too, man. Oh, no, I'm not putting that down. I'll try to do a weekend there soon. I like it, too. That fucking place is awesome. This is the greatest time ever for comedy.

This is the greatest spot, too. If I didn't live in LA, I'd want to be here. Oh, yeah. I really would. Like, there's so much good comedy going on here. There's a lot of good writing going on. It's competitive, you know, it's competitive and it's also Supportive it's supportive way more than it was like 20 years ago Like when we first came here, you were here before me, but when I first came here in 94 It just was fucking real shitty. It wasn't supportive. No, everybody was out for themselves

It was like tainted also by this is what this, I have this theory and I'm pretty, pretty sure there's, there's some validity to it. I think that the standup comedy of the eighties and the nineties that we knew of this, like it was also tainted by the television business because everybody was trying to get a TV deal. Yeah. So the guys who came out here, everybody was trying to get a TV deal yeah so the guys who came out here everybody was trying to do showcase sets for executives and for writers and they were trying to get like a set together so they could cash in like Roseanne and get their selves that fat Seinfeld money or that Brett Butler money get that long cash that would come with being the star of a sitcom that was

the goal of course and so we we had this sort of actor-y thing going on in comedy. And it was weird. It was weird for a long time. But when the sitcom started drying up because of the reality shows, a lot of comics got resentful. Because even Marin got resentful with me because my show, in his mind, was taking up a slot that could have been filled by comics that were working as writers but my point was like but yeah but comics working as writers no this fear factor oh fear fact but my point was that comics working as writers are still not even doing stand up like it's not taking anything away from the art of stand-up it's just a slot on television

ultimately those shows all the brutal and weird in the way that they just sort of decimated the sitcom landscape a lot of them there's not nearly as many sitcoms as there used to be you remember how many goddamn sitcoms there were at one point on network television there's a lot of fucking reality shows a lot of weirdness and these but what that forced everyone to do was to go online and then stand up right now is just about stand up again. Yeah. So like the goal is now not to get a sitcom, which is still awesome if you're like someone like D'Elia. But the goal is instead to get Netflix specials like Segura.

Segura has no TV to speak of and he's selling out big ass theaters. Wow. He's killing it. And it's just from netflix specials so the whole thing changed from his podcast from other people's podcasts we got to know him and then from netflix specials the whole thing changed so that's the goal now so i think like the level of comedy is really high now because everybody's like into comedy again like there's a lot of guys that are into doing it for the sake of doing it. Just the fun

of going out there and putting on a live show and having a good time. Yeah, somebody asked me, they go, why do you still do it so much? I go,

because I love it and I'm trying to improve it. They go, improve? How much are you going to improve basically at your age? I don't know, but I'm going to try.

Yeah. I'm not going to fucking give up and go, well, I'll do this bit that I did 20 years ago it'll be new to them yeah yeah well that's why you know like dalia said you're not an older guy you're just a you're a comic and i think that i think that applies to everything in

life you know if you got a guy who's a an old car designer who's resting on his laurels or a guy who's an old author who's writing shitty books and resting on the books that he wrote 20, 30 years ago. He's not going to be as interesting. You know, there's no reason to not produce and be creative.

There's no reason to. You can still do it and you'll feel better if you do. There was a guy, you know him, I don't feel like putting him down. Say it! Really, you want me to say it?

No, no, I'm just kidding. And Leah's on stage. Oh, that guy. That fucking guy. Motherfucker. This other guy. Hey, you motherfucker. Did you ever hear Shay Mitosh doing Joe Pesci getting blown by Joan Rivers? That's fucking funny.

She's hilarious. Yeah, she's working with me in Reno Is she? In May She lives in Vegas That's not up there That should be up there What's that? She lives in Vegas

Yeah Yeah How come that's on your Who does your calendar there? The guy in Montreal Tell him to get his Fucking shit together What else is in there?

The Vegas thing And then governors And that's all down the road Brokerage They should let people know Tell What's the guy's name? Call him out

No David Hey Get your shit together You fuck It's me too Yeah road brokerage they should uh let people know tell what's the guy's name call him out uh hey get your shit together you fuck it's me too yeah you're not getting into him of things oh yeah yeah you gotta email him but you know the twitter thing helps uh a lot more oh yeah no it's amazing facebook's great instagram's great you know i've never been on facebook never never i have i hired two girls to help me with that. They send dick pics to everybody? Yeah. Whose idea was that?

Whose first idea was that? Me. You were the dick pic guy? No. Dick pics are probably like Polaroids. They probably drew them on cave walls. Probably dudes traced the outline of their dick and threw rocks at women. Got them to go look at it.

I bet dick pics have been around as long as cameras have been around. How long did a camera exist before the first dude took a picture of his dick with it? How long? A week? How long did the first dick pic... I bet the first dick pic was within...

Do you really expect me to answer that? I honestly believe that if cameras are in... If they don't have to be operated by more than one person at the time they're created, I wouldn't give it more than a person at the time they're created, I wouldn't give it more than a month before a guy took a picture of his dick. From the making of the very first camera to taking a photo of his dick, I would say one month. Because otherwise, how else you got to look at your dick?

You have to use a mirror. And those mirrors back then were like looking into a pond. You could barely see what you looked like. Yeah. You know, you look at your reflection in a car mirror, like a car it's a nice thought show i'm getting hungry now look at this 2005 year old erotic 2500 year old erotic graffiti found an unlikely setting on the aegean island wow what's erotic about it that's a dick the guy's got a weird dick though I think he should go to an ancient doctor. Throwing his balls.

Looks like a grenade. Oh, I see. It's a dick with little squares in it. His balls look like a grenade. Yeah. Who says that that's a dick? That could be a cactus. Hey, grenade balls.

Over here. What's that? Archaeologists trace this back to the first penis art. They don't know shit. That ain't a dick. If that's a dick, our dicks have evolved. Imagine if we found out that dicks used to look different. They've changed. They've changed shape.

Like we find like a petrified, frozen dick from like a million years ago and we go, oh my god. Dicks have changed. What would you think it looked like a million years ago? Well, look, foreheads changed, right? Neanderthals had those giant ass fucking foreheads that looked like a forearm was growing off the top of your brows. Right? This big thick thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Neanderthals had those giant ass fucking foreheads that looked like a forearm was growing off the top of your brows.

Right? This big thick thing. The Neanderthal man. Their faces were different. Their build were different. What if their dicks were different? That you could actually eat with it? Put your hands in your throat.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, push food into your mouth with your cock. Like a fucking trunk. I was watching an elephant eat bamboo ones. And the elephant, it's kind of interesting to see. Like, you know, I don't think I realized until I saw an elephant eat at the zoo how much dexterity they have in that trunk. But he's stepping on this bamboo and just tearing the leaves off. Like, really, like, unbelievably powerful.

It just rips them off with like no effort at all and bundles it up and then he was stuffing it in his mouth and i was watching the whole thing play out i was like wow what an interesting body part that trunk is yeah what other animal can feed itself with his nose wrap its nose around leaves. Hold branches down with its feet. And just strip the leaves off. Roll it up in a ball with its nose. Ari can do it. No, he can't do it anymore.

I'm trying to think of an answer to his question for me. Oh, about looking Jewish? What is it about me that makes me look Jewish? I love that. Ari, have you ever talked to him about his religious past? No. When he was a young boy, he lived in Israel. And he spent, a young man I should say, he spent like 12 hours a day reading like ancient Jewish religious texts.

Yeah, he was like in a very religious program he was seriously like a dedicated jew like to learning judy judaism to learning hebrew like seriously dedicated somewhere along the line he just woke up and like what the fuck am i doing funny shit that's interesting isn't it like you know they say politics makes strange bedfellows well so does comedy like when what regular world would you and him and Joey be friends? Yeah. Well, we'd have to work together or something. Yeah, you'd have to work.

You wouldn't collide in other places. Yeah, unless we all had the same hobby. Yeah. You know, I mean, how else do you, like, I know people from different worlds, too, like the world of pool, professional pool and pool, guys, pool players that I've known for 20, 30 years. Like, those people in that world. I know those people. But other worlds, like you've got to like do something they do, right?

Yeah, well, I mean I notice really a lot, like a lot of the guys of your generation that, you know, they're very manly. Like when I first started, there was a lot of like nebbishy guys who talked about their mother. You know, like It's really changed. It's become much more masculine. Like Burr. Burr is very manly. Yeah. Yeah.

But there was always guys like Lenny Clark. He was real manly. He's always been real manly. Well, Lenny Clark, he could be like a bouncer and a comedian. He's a big man. Big savage. Yeah. I think the the doors open to

fucking everybody now there's all sorts of different shapes well i was telling i had a podcast yesterday and the kid was muslim and i said you know when i started out there were no muslim comedians i couldn't there wasn't when i started out in 1980 yeah there was nobody i could think of i mean we remember when yakov sh Shmirnov was like a crazy thing to see? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. What a rusher. And you know what killed him?

Perestroika. Once they had Perestroika and Rushie, it was the same as here. You know what? He's been doing sets at the store, and he's fucking funny. Good. He's good, man. He's a good joke writer. He writes good jokes.

He's a likable guy. Yeah, he is likable. He's a really nice guy. And I've seen him many times now over the past few months. He's a real nice guy. Yeah. You know? Well, he went to Branson to have a career there.

Yeah. Well, he has a theater there, right? They do dinner shows and shit, and he goes out and does stand-up. They do three in the afternoon shows so they can get to bed by six. He still looks great, too. Guy's fucking healthy. Looks good. They do 3 p.m afternoon shows so they can get to bed by six. He still looks great, too. Guy's fucking healthy. Looks good. Do they do 3 p.m. shows?

No, I'm kidding. You might be right. I might be right. You might be right. They might be feeding him fucking boiled carrots and shit. They could gum all their meals. That place is weird. You've been there?

No. No, I haven't been there. I'm not going. It's like an elephant graveyard. Well, it's a weird, like, real religious place, right? Well, I didn't know that. Isn't it? Branson, Missouri?

Pull that shit up, Jamie. Isn't it all super religious? I think that's the whole idea. It's conservative, you know, kind of Midwest. You don't really get too much conservative without religion. True. It's real. You don't get too much like watch your language

watch your behavior dress nice don't say anything inappropriate don't say anything controversial without religion like you really only get that that like sort of strict behavioral standards when they're applied to religion like i was telling you about my friend who did the benefit his people are all religious i'll tell you who he is after this is over i just don't want to blow the guy up he's a famous guy and his people are all like really religious he's an athlete and so you know his idea of what's acceptable and not acceptable involves what language you use like what words you use what subjects you talk about. That almost always comes with religion. Yeah.

You know, to be like real buttoned down and super, you know. Judgmental. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just not allowing anything risque or controversial. Welcome to Branson. Let's have some fun. Jim Stafford show.

What is, you just show me a photo? What does it say about the actual place, though? I didn't... I couldn't find anything. I've never seen any pictures of it. You couldn't find anything about Branson being religious? Yeah, I didn't really look for that. Oh.

Joe, I'll tell you, I love Vegas. I do, too. It's fun. In and out, quick. Yeah, we've got to do something there. Ka-pow! I want to come and see one of your fights or something. Let me know.

When are you doing gigs? I'm there in August with the Laugh Factory. In June, I told you, with Brad Garrett. Okay. You have a fight in June? No, we'll figure it out. We'll figure out a good one, and then we'll do a gig together up there. Oh, that'd be great.

Yeah, it should be fun, right? Do a gig together on the Friday and then come to the Vite on the Saturday, Dominic. Yeah. There's some fun times to be had there. Great restaurants, too. Oh, man. The best. You know what they did?

They went out and bought the best chefs in the world. Yeah. Smart. When you arrive at the airport, you see these fucking big-ass Gordon Ramsay posters. Yeah. And all these other chefs. I know. It's Emerald and all these famous guys that I've seen on the Anthony Bourdain show and shit. They're know. It's Emerald and... All these famous guys that I've seen

on the Anthony Bourdain show and shit. They're there. It's awesome, man. You can't get a bad steak there. One of the major casinos, their steaks are off the charts. Yeah. When I started there in 86,

I went with the comedy store. It was all $1.99 steaks, 99 cent breakfasts. It was all like shit food for people that just gambled. Then it's completely changed. Steve Wynn had a lot to do with it, I think. He was a visionary.

There's a bunch of those guys that have done a great job. The whole Aria group, like the Cosmopolitan. Right, right. And then the MGM has a fantastic steak place. Craft Steak. I had the really expensive one just to see how much better it was. A $260. Kobe beef.

Yeah. Wagyu. They massage the cow or the steer. They give it a fatty, fatty diet. They give them beer. Yeah. Crazy. Yeah.

It's good. Tastes good, though. What is it, Jamie? I just got this place called the Sight and Sound Show. They have all these religious shows there. Oh, look at that. One of the biggest places. Bringing the Bible to life.

This is one of the big shows in Branson. Bunch of shitty actors. Where's your Moses now, see? They have a Noah's Ark show and Moses show. Oh, I think I need to go to that. I need to go to that on acid. That would be awesome. To take a pot brownie, to get just like crippling scared high, and then go to that on acid that would be awesome to take a pot brownie to get just like

crippling scared high and then go to see this it would probably be amazing we need to film that for vice oh oh my god shane smith i just found something we can do yeah go to branson and we'll have a guy Try to convert us I've thought about Going into one of those On Hollywood Boulevard Just letting them Just seeing what they do

At the Dianetics Yeah just They ask all the time When I walk down there Just hey Take a flyer I just want to walk in one time

And just see what they do They might get you bro Do you think they'd catch me If I had a microphone on Or something Uh Yeah they'll probably frisk you And then They'll fuck you

if they find the mic. That's what they do. Dude, they might get you. They might lose you to Scientology. Then you might become a mole and you come in here and when we talk shit about Tom Cruise, you send a text to these people and then they get mad and attack us. Maybe it's already happened.

They moved Tom Cruise to some secret hideaway. Did you hear about this? Yeah, this is a recent thing. He moved into L. Ron Hubbard's mansion in England. He's like fixing it up. L. Ron Hubbard had an estate from which he prepared for the Thetans to come here from faraway galaxies to reclaim their frozen souls that melted in the volcano

or whatever the fuck the story is. Shitty ass writer. Look at this. Pull up the title of this. A sprawling English estate fit for a king of Hollywood. Tom Cruise set to pull up stakes and move to St. Hill Manor, the former home of founder L. Ron Hubbard at Church of Scientology UK headquarters.

Who out of anybody, who has kept it together in the face of being a part of a fucking wackadoo cult like Tom Cruise? The fucking guy never answers a question about it. He's talked about it briefly over the years and every time it's been a mistake. But if he just keeps his fucking mouth shut and acts he acts his little dick off and he looks amazing he's a good actor he looks amazing he's in his 50s he looks like he's 30 years old he looks amazing and he's a great actor that fucking what is it the tomorrow movie yeah they're making an edge of tomorrow that was what it called? That is a very good science fiction movie, and he's excellent in it.

He's fucking good, man. It's amazing. If he wasn't in a wacky cult, if he was just a regular guy, would he be even bigger? I mean, was he bigger before? What's bigger? Well, I know there was a drop-off after that whole glib thing. Remember when he was accusing Brooke Shields of making a big mistake by taking psychotropic drugs for depression? Remember that? He had to make that comeback in Tropic Thunder.

Yeah. So there had to have been something. Yeah, that was the comeback. Well, it was because he really fucked up. He got on TV with Matt Lauer and he did this really weird interview, man, where he talked about like the importance of not taking drugs to treat depression. And it was fucking strange, man. It was really strange. She's like, Matt, Matt, you're being glib. Like that was weak.

But it was so awkward and goofy because you realize like oh You don't even know how crazy you are like you're constantly surrounded by agents other actors Managers and people you love and people that love you So when you're sitting there talking to a guy like Matt Lauer and you're explaining why Brooke Shields shouldn't take medicine to treat her depression because you believe that a frozen thetan was dropped into a volcano by a fucking god of thunder from some universe that was shaped like a thimble or something. I mean, what? Matt Lauer wanted to fight him when he called him glib.

He wanted to take Tom Cruise in a wrestling match when actor called him glib come on i think it's arm wrestling no is it really i think i saw arm wrestling a wrestling match oh geez he wanted to wrestle he told that to andy cohen he said might be some gay stuff you need some gay stuff there why do you want to wrestle a guy i just want to get on top of you and dominate you call me glib how about you choking my glib dick the moment he thought can i take him in a wrestling match could i tackle him on the set what do you imagine how dumb you have to be the guy calls you glib and your reaction is you want to attack him like you want i was thinking can i take him can i take him male posturing dom it's very dangerous i can't imagine doing that to matt lauer i would love matt lauer just tackling someone on a show and just ground and pounding him

i would love to see that matt lauer just passes guard moves to full mount starts dropping elbows on people i don't think of him as a tough guy uh he's definitely not i worked with him a lot of times he used to be a guy in philly he's been the news guy in philly well of him as a tough guy. He's definitely not. I worked with him a lot of times. He used to be a guy in Philly. He used to be the news guy in Philly. Well, he might be a tough guy, but I mean, I just don't think of him as a guy who would assault someone for calling him glib. You didn't call him a dumb fuck. Like, listen, you dumb fuck.

You don't know shit about medicine. I'm a Scientologist, okay, dude? I know. Fuck these psychologists, scientists. Scientology is all you need, God damn it, Brooke Shields. I don't know.

Poor Tom Cruise. But it's amazing that he has stayed relevant. I mean, there was that big drop off after that, but then his talent pulled him through again.

He did a bunch of good movies. Maybe it's because he does his own stunts. So he's just a crazy motherfucker and people like him because of that. He definitely does. He does motorcycle stunts. He does some dangerous a crazy motherfucker and people like him because of that. He definitely does. He does motorcycle stunts.

He does some dangerous shit. He did the hang in the plane thing? All those Mission Impossible movies. He's done a lot of stuff. He does a lot of stuff. He's a bad motherfucker, man. He's crazy as shit, but he's a bad motherfucker. You can be both.

He started in Taps, I think it was. Do you remember that movie? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, he's been in a bunch of movies, man. He was in that movie with Ralph Macchio. What was that fucking movie? Were they all like greasers and shit?

Yeah, the, not the, God damn it. Outsiders? Yeah, the Outsiders. He was great in that. He was always great. He was a fucking great actor. Yeah, he was a great actor. But I'm telling you, that Edge of Tomorrow movie is badass.

This is one of the best science fiction movies I've seen in a long time. And I think a lot of the sci-fi geeks might've, uh, ignored it a little bit because it's a Tom Cruise movie. Cause I think if it was just like some really respected guy that like maybe people didn't know about, maybe it would, uh, would be appreciated more.

I really believe that. I think that like sometimes a guy like that almost hurts a movie that's that good. You expect him in a blockbuster like a Mission Impossible, one of those action movies. Totally makes sense. But he's so goddamn good in this movie. I don't think people give him the credit that he deserves. It's a good movie. If you're into those kind of movies, I love

a good sci-fi movie. And that's a great one. It's one of the best sci-fi movies over the last few decades. Wouldn't you say so, Jamie? Yeah. They're getting ready to start to make another one, supposedly. They're working on it right now.

Maybe they need a Dom Iterera in this alien movie for a bit of humor. Oh, Joseph. For fuck's sake. So when are you going to Sydney? Or Australia? Tomorrow night.

And what's the tour again? What's the dates? Doing Sydney. I think I'm doing Sydney Opera House one night. Nice. Doing Sydney and Perth. And I know I have a gig in Newcastle in the daytime. A daytime bar gig, which should be funny.

Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. On a night, do you have a show somewhere else? That night? I don't know. So you're just going to do it in the day? I don't have. They have my schedule, but I haven't seen it yet.

So how many days are you over there for? Three weeks. Three weeks. Beautiful. So we'll see when you get back. Joe, thank you for having me on. Dominic, anytime, my friend. Always good to see you.

She's ten book cool. I love you, Joe. I love you too, brother. All right, folks. That's it. That's it for the week. We'll be back next week with Ben Hoffman, the dude who's now the country music singer in Nashville, stand-up comic.

Fucking yeah. He's going to be here on Monday. His act is hilarious. What is it? Wheeler Walker? Is that his character's name? I didn't even know about that. You didn't know about that?

Oh, we're going to find out. It's fucking hilarious. I'll tell you everything. All right. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye. See you soon. you