The Joe Rogan Experience - #793 - Whitney Cummings

Episode Date: May 4, 2016

Whitney Cummings is a stand up comedian and actress. She is best known as the creator and star of the NBC sitcom Whitney, as well as the co-creator of the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls.

I don't know, I never cashed the checks. So, how'd you get into comedy? We're live. We are live. Real answer, bad childhood. That's everybody's real answer. If you didn't get into that for that reason, you'd probably have a shitty act. Yeah, that is so true.

Because unless you weren't seen as a child or heard as a child and have this insatiable need to be seen and heard and understood. It's definitely a deficit. You can't be funny. Dude, what the fuck were you doing in Vietnam? Because this is one of the reasons I didn't want to talk to you about this before that. I didn't want to see you before this. I just wanted to get you in.

And I'm glad we didn't talk about it before. But I went to your Instagram page and I saw these pictures of you working with these children that have cleft palates. And I saw all these photos of you in Vietnam. So tell me what are you doing? Yeah. So there's this charity called Operation Smile. And I usually work in animal charities because people I think are usually the problem.

And I'm helping people just seems to make more proliferate. And and in terms of charity stuff, like I think that just why I started wanting to get more involved is like I'm going to be perfectly honest, I started not liking the person that I was. I started realizing I was the person who was like, God, traffic is like crazy today. And like, oh, my God, Starbucks is out of soy milk. What the fuck? Like, I was just like, whoa. Did you what did what what made you feel like you were going to a place that you didn't like or becoming a person you didn't like? I think it's like, you know, doing like working with animals and like, you know, going to sort of parts of town that I wouldn't normally go to to rescue animals and dogs.

You start going like, oh, there's a real world outside this Truman show that we live in of the fake sets and the fake this and the fake people and the fake, you know, makeup and the fake clothes and everything. And I was just like, Oh, like that. I live in, um, a fun house, you know, sometimes when you're in this business, I mean, stand up keeps me, you know, a real person. Is it TV shows that get you? I think it's TV shows.

I think it's writing fake scripts about fake people and fake lots and fake houses and, you know, fake edit bays. And I just was like really concerned about, you know, and knowing you know way more than I do. But what I do know about neurology is that our brains acclimate to whatever environment we're in. And I was like, if I'm in this environment all the time, my brain is just going to start acclimating accordingly. Right. So it's like, you know, I find it in little ways, like, you know, if I, uh, if I have a small purse, I only need a small purse. If I wear a big purse, all of a sudden I filled it up with shit, you know, it's like you kind of acclimate to what you have. Uh, and so I was like, um, yeah, I don't, I don't like the things that come out of my mouth. I don't like my inner monologue. I don't like the fact that I get annoyed when, you know, my Uber is, you know, not on fucking time.

Like, I just, I was like, so I kind of wanted to get some perspective and, like, really get out there and not just, like, give money for my own selfish, like, guilt shit. Like, oh, I'm just going to give money. Right. And so I went to Vietnam for two weeks and did this. Um, I went to Tokyo for a couple of days before then, which was actually really interesting. Uh, and, uh, went and got to, you know, watch the surgeries. And, uh, it was also cool because, um, I don't know if you are at this, ever went through this, but, um, I think I got sick of myself. Like, I just kind of was like, I'm sick of my voice.

I'm sick of my making jokes. I'm sick of being funny. I'm sick of like, and there's something about being around people that don't speak English that kind of strips you of your like persona, you know, of your, all the things that you just, because some, I mean, I just, I don't want to go through life like a sleepwalking zombie who's just like doing a bad impression of myself every day. Um, cause it's so easy to do. And I find, I felt like life was a little bit groundhog day, but get up, work out, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, bits, bits, bits, you know, um, insecure, insecure, you know, and I got a little bit sick of that rhythm. And I was like, there's got to be something more, um, deeper. And, uh, you know, we're seekers. And I was like thinking about my next special and the next thing I'm going to write. And I was like, I don't want to just,

and I felt like my brain was, had this, there was like patterns and rhythms that I was like, I keep going to the same place for, you know, creatively. And I was like, I want to go to a different place entirely. So I got to like challenge my brain and throw some new shit at it. And being around people that don't speak English is really, and first of all, have no idea who you are, which is another experience when you're used to people knowing who you are and having expectations of you and thinking you're going to be funny or, you know, when you're known, all of a sudden you have the power, whether you want it or not in a room, you know, you, all of a sudden you have the power, whether you want it or not, in a room. You know, you walk into a room and you have the power.

Whether you're interested in having it or not, you just do, right? Joe Rogan walks in. Everyone's like, oh, Joe Rogan, everyone be cool. And everyone's trying to impress you. Everybody changes, right? So you never get to see people's authentic self because you inherently affect them with your presence you know there's some i can't remember the uh term in science where it's impossible to measure the thing because the measuring tool affects the amount is that yeah exactly so you never know how people really are because your presence actually

affects them but if they've never heard of you which in vietnam no one ever heard of me not a lot of fans over there and uh so you're just like, you know, you can't rely on any of that shit that we've become used to relying on. And talking to people that don't speak English, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I can't use all my go to strategies, charm, manipulation, jokes like no one cares. And so it was really pretty, pretty cool. Vietnam in general, we'll talk about. I'm sure you have your thoughts on Asia. Mine, I think, are kind of probably going to be polarizing and get me in trouble. I think it's a fucking mess over there. I mean, you have kids, you have more of a insight into what's real and what's not. Like, I also noticed that when both of my parents had strokes, which was awful, obviously, but I liked the person I became after it happened.

Like, I was like, all of a sudden, when something tragic happens to you, things become clear, your priorities become clear. If someone asks you to go to lunch that you don't want to hang out with, you say no. You're not like, sure, I guess I'll switch. Like, you're just just everything becomes very black and white do i want to do this do i not is this an effective use of my time is this not um so i was like oh if i just expose myself to a little bit more not tragedy but maybe you know um and stop hanging out with a bunch of people with fake problems and hang out and surround myself with real problems then maybe i'll stop thinking i have a bunch of people with fake problems and hang out and surround myself with real problems, then maybe I'll stop thinking I have a bunch of problems I don't really have.

I always love talking to you because you're probably one of the most ruthlessly introspective people I know. Really? Yeah. Yeah. You don't think you are? You're pretty brutally introspective. I just, thank you. I just am, I don't want to be a zombie. zombie I don't most people are just sleepwalking through life and

That does not interest me. Do you have you had very many psychedelic experiences? You know what? I haven't and I was gonna do ayahuasca last year, but I had been on antidepressants And yeah, and I only went on them. It's such a bummer and I'm actually want to talk about this in my next Special because they were they were given to me because I was having trouble sleeping. I had insomnia, which I recently learned about how insomnia sort of came about. And it's actually really important. And I wish that there were doctors out there who studied shit like that, like insomnia. usually people are insomniacs fucking thousands of years ago people in the tribes like tribal life with before street lights and alarm systems there were people who were responsible for staying up while everybody else slept they were like called the night watchers basically and night watchers

would breed with night watchers and essentially so you're a night watcher i could be that could be my because you know there's some people who are like i just can't fall asleep till three in the morning you know who never says that who farmers farmers never say that actually fucking work that's so true dudes who dig holes all day they sleep like babies i know the most unemployed people they're like i cannot sleep it's again because you haven't done one fucking thing yeah fucking go work out so true yeah you have three kids i feel like my insomnia is gonna go or something there uh i feel like as soon as I have kids or something, my insomnia will. It'll probably still stay there. Really?

Yeah. Oh, I guess I'll be a mother, so I'll never sleep again. That's an issue. But it's also, it's a mental loop thing. Like, if you go to bed and you have a mental loop, like, oh, I got to get this. I got to fucking get my shit together. I really have to do this. I really got to start this diet.

I really got to start this journal. There's a book that I need to write. I know I need to write it. I need to fucking start. diet. I really got to start this journal. There's a book that I need to write. I know I need to write it. I need to fucking start. Should I get out of bed right now and start writing it? And then that loop will fuck with you and keep you up, especially someone like you who's so hyper ambitious. You always have like 15 different irons in the fire and you've got a fucking fireplace

bellows and you're stoking that and you're on the phone at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that. We'll definitely do that. Like you've almost got like too many points of focus where I imagine that your brain getting down to a neutral point, it probably has a very difficult time. Yeah. And I've also done a couple things, but also our brains are not designed to see the amount of light that we see. The screens in our phone, our brain produces cortisol when they see it. It's like, wake up.

Our brain like thinks our phone is the sun basically. Yeah. Like wake up. Have you seen the new feature on iPhones where it turns it down at 10 PM? You could set it. No, but mine is now in black and white. Oh shit.

This bitch is going back to technicolor. She's going back to the fifties. Hey, I'm saying your phone black and white fucking black and white What if someone sends you a picture Then it's you know It's going to be very artsy I turn it black and white because How did you do that I didn't even know that was a setting

Yeah it's a setting Because the colors in your phone Trigger a bunch of chemicals to be released In your brain that actually activate you This is so ironic You have a flower as your backdrop. A flower that you can't see what the fuck it looks like. It's basically a Georgia O'Keeffe.

I mean, or who? Ansel Adams. Is that the vagina lady? Yeah. That's a really, that's an octopus vagina, actually, that flower. But yeah, I'm super into like, you know, just if you understand how the brain works, you can usually hack it a little bit. So it's like when you look at your phone.

So my phone, I actually, I used to be so addicted to it. Now I just have no interest in it. Because it's black and white? Yeah. It's just like, it's not giving me the dopamine and the chemicals that, you know. Really? Yeah. Colors do.

What? Yeah. Color. So turning your phone black and white makes it less attractive to you? Yes. Less addictive. Whoa. Yes.

Because I'm like, phone, phone and a lot of it is just the colors. It's just like, oh, cortisol, adrenaline, red produces adrenaline, cortisol, dopamine, and then I'm just like, now I'm just like, ugh, it's so... So what is the setting? How do you change it to black and white? Okay, you go to, I'll tell you. Hold on. I'll never do it, by the way. Yeah, why not try

it? Try it for a day? Because I'll have a little thing called discipline. This is what I like to do. I don't. See that phone? This is what I do. I go like that. I just want to have sex with it now. And then I do that.

Can't do it. And then I walk away from that fucker. No, can't do it. Listen, it's not easy and I've learned how to do it. I've learned how to do it. So, but. I have rules. That might not be your, what gives you dopamine.

Oh, no, it is. No, look, I could sit down there. I get up in the morning to take a shit and I'll look at that thing for fucking three hours. And what are you looking at, though? My legs are going numb. Just nonsense. Are you reading articles? My legs are going numb.

It's nonsense. I'm reading articles that I don't need to read. I'm fucking looking at nonsense. It just becomes like a abyss. I can do it, yeah. But what I do now is if I do it, I look at the important stuff. I'll go over, do I have any work emails that are pertinent? I check my work email.

Like this, like that, nothing to deal with. Do I have any text messages that I need to deal with? Like that, nothing to deal with. Shut it off, put it away, walk away. You and I, though, might have a different idea of what I need to deal with and what I don't. I sometimes get sucked into stuff that's completely unnecessary

and frivolous but that's also an addiction i'm texting about a fucking baby shower that i'm not even going to and i'm just like what am i doing you know i'm difficult to get a hold of yeah you're but you're very self-contained i'm a little more and i'm in recovery we've talked about it for codependence so i sometimes struggle with the discomfort or perceived discomfort of others so i feel like i need to take care of people's feelings sometimes so it Well, you're a caretaker in a lot of ways. That's why you love dogs. Babies, dogs and dogs.

Only the voiceless, only people that can't help themselves. I understand. If you can help yourself and you didn't, that's not my problem. I've learned over the years that I only have a certain amount of, not just time, but a certain amount of focus. And that the less focus I give to things that I'm not really interested in, the more focus I'll have for things that I am interested in. Yeah. It's like a real issue with my manager because I just fucking vanish for days.

I don't answer phone calls. You have to. She'll call Jamie. No, I just got the same thing. I had the same thing just happen with a manager who hadn't heard from me because I went to Vietnam and I got back and I was just like, I recently learned that when someone calls or texts, you don't have to respond. Like I, you know, I think we get in this obligatory sort of thing if we have to respond to everything. And it was actually interesting going to Japan because that culture is so, I'm using this word probably inappropriately, but for lack of a better word, codependent. It's so like having to take care of everybody's feelings. Like I was talking to this guy on a plane. There's so much respect for other people's feelings and status.

I went on the plane on the way over. I sat next to this super interesting guy who creates tools for animators. Like I know, like the stuff that makes cartoons. Like, I can't even, I don't even have the vernacular to explain it. But he said it's really hard to do focus groups in Japan. You know, focus groups is when you go around and say, is this working?

It's not, it's not working. Because no one will respond until an elder responds and everyone just agrees with the elder. You're not allowed to disagree with someone older than you. Which was, there was an article about a lot of the, I think it was a couple of Malaysian airline flights that went down. They say it was pilot error because the co-pilot was afraid to disagree with the pilot. Oh my.

The pilot was wrong, but because of the inherent respect for your elders thing, he couldn't say like, dude, we're going to crash if you fucking do that. And the plane went down. So it's so interesting. And I came back and I was like, oh, God, at least I'm not. And I mean, I mean, I think I was a little bit horrified. Not horrified. Not the good word.

The right word saddened by this culture of like shame over there. We have it in different ways. But it's like if you disgrace your family, you just jump off a building. I mean, it's just and there's a seppuku. So many people were jumping in front of trains that the only way they could get them to stop jumping in front of trains when they shame their family was saying, if people jump in front of trains, we're going to bill your family for the cleanup. So that got them to stop because they were like, oh, I don't my family to have to get this bill because that will disgrace them even more. So they had to use their shame against them as a way to get them to stop committing suicide.

I mean, Apple in China, Apple had to put nets around the building. Yeah. So many people were jumping off it. Well, that's a real issue in and unto itself because Apple's paying these people and they're living in this building. Yeah. And they're paying them dog shit. I mean, they don't have these factories over in China because it's an awesome place to build phones. They have these factories over there because they could pay people virtually nothing

and have them work all day. China, I've been to China before. Just in general, and I don't want to come from a judgy place because we obviously have our problems in the States, but it was just a really... I feel like when I went over there, everyone was like,

God, you're just going to love it. Everyone's like, India's amazing. It's like, it's really poor and people die of like dysentery and malaria. Yeah. And there's, you know, baby girls have their heads smashed on rocks because of the dowry system. I mean, it's like there's, you know, I feel like there's this. Is that real? Yeah. There's a documentary on i guess itunes it's about infanticide in china and india because the

dowry system so basically to have a child is a fortune i'm sorry to have a female because you have to pay someone to marry her she can't work at your dad's family and she's basically just like a financial drain um which is just terrifying so that goes on in china still uh terrifies me is that that's probably an ancient way of thinking and behaving so like we look at today and we look at this world that we live in today and obviously we have a lot of issues with equality and we have a lot of issues with racism we have a lot of issues with homophobia but whatever issues we have are nothing compared to the the echoes of our past and when you look at something like that and when you know there are hate crimes that's an individual person

against an individual person right that's not like a socially accepted thing it's not like the nazis i'm not endorsing hate crimes, but if, you know, someone beats up a gay guy, most people think it was bad that he did that and they go to jail. But it's one person who's fucked up,

not an entire country that's like, yeah, that was a good idea. Yeah, it's like the last echoes. It's like the last reverberations. And not that our way is better. I'm not saying you guys have to become America, but it was just a little bit like, oh, this is like.

Well, I like the fact that they're not America. I like that there's all these different cultures because I think it's fascinating that there's different parts of the world where people have figured out a different way to behave and they follow this different pattern. They've carved this groove and all the young people follow into this groove, give or take. And I think that's amazing. And all the young people follow into this groove, give or take. And I think that's amazing. I mean, when you look at different parts of the world and you experience their culture or you look at how they're behaving and how they dress and how they speak and how they live their lives and their traditions, it is absolutely fascinating. These patterns of repeatable behavior, repeating patterns that exist all over the world and that they're so different. They're different in Thailand and then they are in germany totally different parts of the world are associated with like

having more humor or less humor or more you know more discipline or more artistic freedom it's it's it's so and it's and and then you know i mean i always forget how young of a country we are i mean we are a minute old compared to a lot of these countries. You know, so this is, they have thousands of years of history that we don't have. And, but it's like, how can you hold on to the really cool traditions and patterns

and then release the more backwards ones and evolve and grow? You know, it's like, you know, it's just wild. I mean, in Vietnam, it's like everyone's like, Vietnam is so beautiful. You're going to love it.

And I was like, yeah, it's just wild i mean in vietnam it's like everyone's like vietnam is so beautiful you're gonna love it and i was like yeah it's definitely beautiful but i see um poverty and air that uh no one can breathe everyone's wearing masks because they can't inhale there's no emissions regulations everyone's on like i was like oh right white trust fund kids are like vietnam's beautiful and they say that because they can come back to you know williams know Williamsburg Brooklyn or whatever that's the thing that white people love talking about brown people being amazing it's like look I don't like you're not a better person because you think Vietnam's amazing like just admit that it's it's in we need to I mean I know we we fucked it up a lot of it's our fault of what we did in the 70s. But it was like, it was, gave me a lot of anxiety, you know, because it was like, I mean, it was just like the hospitals.

I mean, we were in a hospital. And, you know, we needed four of this machine that puts babies to sleep. Pediatric anesthesia is very different than regular anesthesia. And it's essentially bringing people to the brink of death, and then bringing them back. It's like incredibly fascinating job. And they had one of the machines that they needed. The pediatric anesthesiologist was like, we need four. And they're like, we don't have them. We just don't have them in this country. We just can't do surgery on babies.

It's just not in our purview. It's not in our, you know, so back to the, you know, the kids come in with cleft palates and cleft lips, which the baby is essentially, they have trouble breastfeeding. It's cleft palates, just, you know, just kind of this opening here and a separation. What causes that? Malnutrition. In the womb? Yep. Exposure to genetics.

Exposure to pollution i'm sure all that napalm we dropped in the 70s didn't really help uh but yeah and in america it still happens but it's handled right away it's handled it comes out three months later it's fixed no big deal over there sometimes it's never fixed i mean you see adults you see men that are 50 come in with giant, giant cleft lips and palates. And they've, and it's even worse in third world countries, especially African countries, because there's such a stigma attached to it. Not only is it, you know, in our brains to go like, he's different than me and ostracize

or stigmatize someone, but a lot of more religious countries think you're the devil or you're, you know, you can't get a job. You're, you know, completely sequestered. You're thrown out of your family. And, you know, and I think and this is going to sound super corny, but I guess for me, I connected so much to maybe it's because, you know, we're comedians. I was like, look, life's if you it's one thing to grow up in a third world country. It's another thing to deal with poverty. But if you can't smile like the basic, the only real medicine we have, you know, everybody has universal medicine of like laughing and smiling.

It's how we connect to people. It's I mean, that's fucked like that was frustrating. And it's so easy to fix. That's the other thing that's like frustrating is it takes like 30 minutes look at joaquin phoenix look at joaquin phoenix is it that's isn't it weird yeah he is a cliff lip i think that he stacy keach isn't it weird that joaquin phoenix got it i mean he's like a white guy it can be genetic i mean yeah but also america has its its history with fucked up shit, you know? You know, we're by no means squeaky clean.

I mean, we're exposed to a lot of fucked up shit here, too. But we are the best, right? We are the best, yeah, exactly. America, fuck yeah. Murica. Murica. Murica. You'll like this.

Oh, we talked about this last time, just sort of like how we essentially always had to drink alcohol before we had potable water. I mean, people were just, you know. Well, that's why people drank wine out of those flasks they carried around to keep from getting traveler's disease from water. That's what they would call it. Yeah. So it's completely. So, yeah. I wonder why people were such assholes.

They were just hammered. Everyone was hammered. All the time. I mean, actually, when you think about it, it's a miracle that someone, I mean, Ford built a car. Like, it's like if you were sober, you got to be like Rockefeller. Yeah. Like, I feel like the couple people who were sober just basically became like the biggest. Sober people who drank coffee.

That's it. Took over the world. That's it. Literally took over the world. Because, I mean, everybody was shit face. Yeah. But yeah, so it's crazy. I mean, have you ever seen a surgery?

You would love it. I've never been in the room. I've had a bunch of surgeries. Yeah. But I've never been in the room. I've had one, two, three, two, three, four. What are they? Joints?

Yeah, mostly joints. Mostly for your. Mostly joints. My nose reconstructed. I have had my knees done. Thank you. Well, it was internal more than external. I would never know. External is still fucked up. It's all broken up in here. It's like there's all these

sharp edges underneath the skin. It would break open pretty easy. Is it cartilage just on the end and then bone up here? Yeah, this is all cartilage. This stuff is all pretty much intact, but it's the inside of my nose that was all smashed, and so it was all closed off. I didn't have any breathing out of my nose.

Oh, no. Until I was like 39. And you're like, this is how people live? My whole life, I couldn't breathe out of my nose. No bullshit. I fell down a flight of stairs when I was five, and I broke my nose pretty bad when I was five. A cement flight of stairs.

I smashed my nose. We're going to get you an operation smile. Yeah, well, it wasn't, you know, just my parents just like, oh, he's alive. Leave him alone. Like there was no doctor trips. I broke my arm. My mother didn't even believe me.

I had to lift it up and it was like up and down. It was so broken. And then she's like, yep, you're broken. She's like, stop break dancing. Yeah. It's just, you know, back then it was just a different world. Like people were basically like monkeys. It was a different world.

My parents were like monkeys. They were like monkey people. They didn't have the internet. Don't touch that. Don't touch that. Well, they understand things now. Yeah. But I think there's a little bit of a pendulum swing to the other way.

Right. Helicopter parents. Yeah. I was reading this thing about how this designer who's making more dangerous jungle gyms for kids because they've gotten too safe. My daughter broke her arm in a jungle gym. Yeah, you should call this person then. They're not safe. Yeah.

Jungle gyms are just not safe. Or something more challenging or something. I don't remember. It was something about- The real problem with jungle gyms is you need to understand what your capabilities are. And the only way to find that out is to fall. Yeah. Yeah.

If you're falling on these metal bars, you could fucking die. Yes. Like kids that break their arm easily could break their neck. I can't believe kids don't die all the time. Or they do. No, they do. Kids die all the time. When you have kids, you sort of pay attention to that kind of shit, and you realize, like,

oh, kids fall on their head and die. Like, it happens all the time. If you're not paying attention, the kids get... They don't understand boundaries and limitations. They don't understand the physical world. How do you, though, as a parent... Because I'm obsessed with this, because I'm already, like, I'm not close to having a child. I froze my eggs.

So if anyone wants to send some sperm, Jamie, now that I'm learning about your... That's why I'm asking, where are you from? Okay, where are you from? Slovenia? India? I'm really just trying to ascertain everyone's DNA and how strong it is. But I just read a book called The Continuum Concept, which is like a parenting thing about like babies. They can be held by anyone.

It doesn't have to be their mom necessarily, but maybe we should always just be being held. And like sort of we're designed to men and women kind of weren't supposed to live together. Like we're supposed to kind of fuck and then you go off and then all the women live together and help raise all the kids. together and help raise all the kids. So, so there was something interesting in that because in the first three years, a childhood's, I'm sorry, a child's ability to believe in their own faculties, essentially, to trust other people and to feel like they are heard and seen depends on how much eye contact and physical touch they get. Yeah, because basically touching is going like, I see you, you're here, you know, and the less touch and physical touch they get. Wow. Yeah. Because basically touching is going like, I see you. You're here.

Right. And the less touch and eye contact they get, the more invisible they feel and the more dangerous they feel the world is for them. Whoa. Yeah. And there's this great, you'll love this, John Bowlby's theory of attachment. Like when babies crawl, it's the same as bonobo apes. They'll crawl a foot and then they'll look back and see if dad's still looking at me. He is. I'm going to crawl another foot. He's still there back and see if dad's still looking at me he is

i'm gonna crawl another foot he's still there right babies turn around and check in and then if on the fourth foot i turn around and dad is looking at his phone i go that's as far as i can go and then it's dangerous after four feet that's as far as i'll go where he'll still be there for me so then we also our sort of world and comfort zone is designed based on when your child loses your eye contact. So I've just been sort of learning about that, especially in lieu of like cell phones being the new alcoholism for kids. I feel like parents just on their phone while their kids are on the playground. Yeah, it's, it's crazy. It's, it's amazing how many people just don't pay attention to anything but their phone. I mean,

I see it constantly and I see it when phone. I mean, I see it constantly. And I see it when people are by themselves. I see it when people are with their families. I see it when people are with their friends. How many times have you gone to a restaurant, you see a table full of people, and everyone's on their phone? And no one's talking to the people right in front of them. Have you done colleges recently?

I stopped. You're smart. I stopped more than a decade ago. Wow. I stopped, I think I did University of Miami was the last one I did I did with Joey Diaz that's chaos that is okay do you remember the my the Coconut Grove improv yes I stopped yeah oh thank god they closed because there were so many fights it was so bad I literally told them that I would never work here again I go you people are so dumb I'll never work here again and they were laughing I people are so dumb. I'll never work here again.

And they were laughing. I go, you're laughing. I go, I'm serious. This is the dumbest fucking audience in the country. I watched a guy do cocaine. I was opening for like Steve Byrne or someone like Craig Shoemaker. Like someone I was opening for like 10 years ago. And someone was doing cocaine on the table while I was on stage.

Oh, I believe it. What happened with that place is they started giving away free tickets. ago and someone was doing cocaine on the table while i was on stage oh i believe it yeah well they what what happened with that place is they started giving away free tickets and when you give away free tickets you fuck yourself always always um those are bad when you paper the room you get terrible audiences so for a while i was trying to give free tickets to people who couldn't afford them so i'd always say my comps like I have 10 comps in like the middle of nowhere. This actually happened in La Jolla. And I would tweet out like, hey, so if you can't afford to come to the show,

send me an email, tell me why, and I'll get you tickets. And I would check it myself, you know, some email. And one time this guy emails me, just a testament to exactly, you know, give an inch, take a mile. And he emails me and gives me this long story. He's a vet. You know, he's in a wheelchair. He can't drive down. He's a, you know, a vet, you know, he's in a wheelchair. He can't drive down. He's going to have to get a cab and he can't afford to come.

And, you know, the health insurance, the vet health insurance is a joke and all this whole thing. And I was like such a no brainer. I was like, yep, you got it. Two tickets. Can't wait. And literally he started the email with like, this probably isn't even you. So Whitney's assistant, like, you know, no problem. And I'm such a big fan and da da da. I write back two tickets, all set. I don't hear back from him at all. I'm not checking it again. Right before the show, I'm looking through my emails.

It's 745. The show's at eight. I can email back from him. Hey, babe. Hey, babe. I'm running a little late. I'm running a little late. And where a little late and where do i park oh my god it went from like agile like total like awe and like respect and adulation you're probably not even gonna check this and like i'm sure this will never happen to like i became his

assistant it's a microcosm of a relationship he was courting you And then he got you And then he was just like I'm interested After he fucked you He stopped calling you Yeah Literally And then I was like Oh okay You know Do you need me to come out

And meet you And the dynamic Totally switched It's like as soon as you Give someone something for free They stop Respecting it Well you have

It's hard When you're communicating With someone Just through email Because you have to Sort of ascertain Is is this person crazy? Is this person super neat? You're so right.

Is this person completely delusional? Yeah. Is this email going to be received as a friend? In the way that I intended. Yeah. Is this going to be like, hey, nice to talk to you. Glad you like the show. Appreciate it.

Good. So what do you, oh, that's cool. You do that. That's interesting. Well, hey, nice talking to you. Is it going to be just like, you, Oh, that's cool. You do that. That's interesting. Well, Hey, nice talking to you. Is it going to be just like, Oh,

I had a cool conversation with a guy or is it going to be open up the door to a wacky person? Now the wacky person has Whitney Cummings. Oh, he still emails all the time. Hey, let me know next time you're in town. I mean, it's like,

and he behaves as if I'm doing him a favor. I also had a great heckler, a guy that I got, like, front row seats and, like, paid for everything, started heckling me. It's always the people you comp tickets for. This was at La Jolla. La Jolla is always, you know, it's very. Sketchville. It's such Sketchville. There's no fucking, all the security guards are open micers.

Who are, like, 21. Bless their hearts. They're stoned out of their fucking minds like I mean it's just it's so unsafe it's and there's a lot of tension down there I don't know if it's because there's the navies down there or there's a lot of military is that it there's a lot of money there's a lot of entitlement yeah it's a beautiful area but for some reason La Jolla is like always I don't know know, there's always a fight. There's always a fucking girl who's like, fuck you. Like a couple breaks up. I'm like, what the fuck is happening? I always have to kick people out of there.

And so this guy's in the front row and Kevin Christie is opening for me. And Kevin's very incisive. Like he's very like he's kind of he's this comic, you know, and he's like kind of quiet and doesn't speak a lot. But when he does, it's just exactly it's just the truth like he's just so real like that and uh he said something once because he was on the road with me for a while and like 35 40 minutes into all my sets at the time a guy would just snap and start yelling at me and he's like i think what happens is like they're like loving it funny funny female funny, female comedian. Funny. It's funny. But like 40 minutes in, you just become their wife or the girl that wouldn't fuck them or their mother or something. And they just see you.

It's like all of a sudden you just become a woman who's yelling at them and they're not allowed to talk back. One guy just will snap. It always happens. And I had one guy like storm the stage at me once and be like, who the fuck do you think you are? Like I was like and it didn't feel like it was about me at me once and be like, who the fuck do you think you are? What? And it didn't feel like it was about me at all. It felt like a very old wound. I can't believe this.

You're like doing the soul. I am. The soul? It was like a very dark, sad, because I could tell right away this has nothing to do with me. Do you remember what you were talking about? Well, I'll tell you,

I do remember what the this one guy in the front row that i comped was he's sitting in the front and uh i was like doing and i did this this was like my first special i was getting ready for my first special i did this joke about how every guy somewhere in his house or apartment or whatever has like a jar of coins or like a bowl of coins you know where you guys put your change it's like a bowl of coins, you know, where you guys put your change. It's like a change jar bowl. Right. You're rich. You probably just have a, you know, fucking.

I throw change away. That's amazing. I don't need that stuff. I think it's trash. Give it to my kids. Right in the trash. They throw it away. That's right.

Oh, fuck. I don't even like $1 bills. That's amazing. So do you remember, I mean, there was a point in your life where I'm sure you had one. Oh, yeah. No, I've rolled pennies up to make dinner. Yeah, guys have like, you know, their change jar. And so I said it and it was like, whatever.

And then the guy went from like laughing, laughing. And then as soon as I said that joke joke he just looked at me and he went that's so we can pay for your shit I was like uh oh and from then on out it was just like everything I said he'd be like well that's because fucking you did it and that's because

if you didn't fucking spend so much money so he's heckling he's literally he's in the front row alone and you know that alone by himself alone by himself? Alone by himself. Oh, that's not good. And you know that moment where someone's heckling and you're like, if only I can hear them, I'll keep going. But if the audience can hear them, I have to do something. Yeah.

So I finally had to, he had to go. But at the La Jolla Comedy Store, there's like a window into the street. So he went outside and just stood in the window and stared at me for the rest of the performance. Oh, Jesus Christ. And I just remember he was just standing there. And it was like, you know. So I think comedy can really trigger people sometimes. It's you're drinking, you're out, you have someone. You're talking about a guy that's willing to go to a comedy show by himself, though.

Self. And sit in the front row. Already a red flag. You should just kick that person out right away. This is a guy that emailed you? This is a different guy. Oh, yes, yes, yes. He emailed and, yeah, good point.

So you have a connection with, he's probably thinking he's going to be in love with you. He's going to straighten you out. So you're a little too mouthy, you're a little too talkative, you have too many opinions, and he's like, yeah, I'll fucking, I know why, I'll just yell back at her. Straighten her out. Girls love that.

Well, you know, there are people that think that people need to be put in check and that people like it. There's a comedian. I'll tell you the story now, but I'm not going to tell you who it is. Okay. Can I guess? Yes. Okay. But if you get it right, I'm not going to tell you until after.

If I get it right, just go. Don't, because now I'm probably gonna do that anyway okay um there is this thing i think that exactly what you're talking about yes you got it um i do think there is this thing the same way women sometimes meet a man and they're like i can fix him when he's probably not broken and is happy and fine. Or like, I'll whip him. I hear my friends say it all the time. And I'm like, no, no, he's fine. He's he's happy.

You don't need to fix him. He doesn't think he's broken. And I think sometimes guys with me are like, I'll tame her. Like, I'll break her. You know, like I'll. And there was this comedian who sent me a like a message on I guess it was when I was on Facebook or it wasn't MySpace it was one of those who I would always see around and I'm pretty elusive like you and I you we didn't get we don't haven't

got to hang at the comedy store that much but like I kind of I'm in and I'm out less less so now like I would hang now because like cool people are there are there now. But when you were gone, it was kind of toxic in there and intense and not, like, fun. Now it's a little more fun. And so I would just get in, do my set,

and leave because I was trying to do a couple sets a night. Right. I would just be like, hey, what's up? And we wouldn't flirt, but it would just be like,

hey, and, you know, the kind of person who wants to give you, like, tags. Oh. They're always bad. They're like, you know what you should say there and it's like and i get this message that was like rage like a rage rage email that was like you know you don't know what you're like you know the basic gist of it i I don't remember how it started, but it ended in like, you don't know what makes you come. I can show you.

What? I know. Like, it was like, I was like, I obviously accidentally actually say that. Oh yes. I'm sure I still have the screen grab of it.

Cause I said, you know, I sent it to everyone. How do you know what makes me? Yeah, I don't like, it was just, but it was like this alpha thing.

Like, it was like an alpha reaction, I think, or something. Like, I just need to make you, shame you or something. I don't know what it was. Ooh. Yeah. But that's not alpha. Like, what is that? What would it take for you to say that to a girl?

Well, that's a crazy person. Okay. Usually it's self-obsessed. Like, delusional, obsessive. Clinical, delusional narcissism or something. That's true Just to reach out like that. Yeah, that's you know what that is. You are an accoutrement or you're like a you're a piece of Like wardrobe in his life interesting and you don't want him to try you on

You know interesting like you like he's upset like you're in my life and it's not why aren't you doing what't want him to try you on. You know what I'm saying? Interesting. Like you, like he's upset. Like you're in my life and it's not, why aren't you doing what I want you to do in my life? My life. That's clinical narcissism is that everyone is an extension of you. And if you're not doing what I wrote, you're acting out. Yeah. That's interesting. Well, there's a lot of people that feel like that.

I mean, that's the classic example of why comedians don't like to work with other good comedians because they don't want anybody else doing well yeah you know they don't want anybody it's got to be all about them like how many bad comedians do we know that take the fucking worst people on the road with them the worst the worst the worst it's it's like it's so bad you go, do you hate your audience? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I bring the people I think are the funniest because my audience is paying money. And you want to laugh too. Yes.

You want to have fun. I have to watch them too. Yes, exactly. It doesn't benefit me to have less talented people around me. I actually do the opposite to a fault. I feel like I try to hire people who are more talented than me in every area of my life so that it makes me look better. Well, that's again, you're weirdly introspective in that way but there's a lot of

people that get into comedy because of all the scars of their childhood like we were talking about and they don't they don't heal those things instead they just find workarounds they find a way where they can sort of express themselves and and and so it's almost like see i told you i showed the world like they never come to a neutral point they never get over their childhood where they go okay well what am i doing is there a benefit to what i'm doing here yeah should i just stop if i'm healthy now should i just stop what i'm doing or yeah should i use what i'm doing and just enjoy it and have a good time and then you know realize that i probably got here because of an unhealthy obsession or because of a bad childhood or whatever. But now that I'm kind of moving past that, maybe I could use this position

to just have some fun. Yeah. And exactly what you're saying, like you just made it so clear to me what I was not being clear about in the beginning of like the, you know, if you bring unfunny people on the road, you're really funny comparatively. And so all of like the you know if you bring unfunny people on the road you're really funny comparatively and so all of a sudden you've created this little world for yourself where you become this king of the idiots yes but if you were to step outside that world you're all of a sudden at the bottom of the food chain right like you create a world where at the top of the food chain which is like why it was important to me to go to other countries be around people that have no idea who i am that i don't pay that don't

think i'm funny they can't even understand what i'm saying it's just very humbling and then you're like oh who am i without all this stuff right you know without achievements and money and car or like a car whatever it is you know because like i'm afraid that I might do that by accident. Yeah. You know, because if you have people around you who are paid, who are afraid to say no to you, that's how you stop getting funny. Everyone around you is like, ah, that's like I saw Chris Rock at the store once. I'm sure you have this where he was working on, I don't know, like not the Oscars or something. And he got on stage and he said something that was just like, hey, I'm sorry I'm late. I, you know, my car was, you know, I couldn't find a spot for it everyone was like ha ha ha and he was like that wasn't funny please don't laugh unless i say something funny please he's like he's

treating me like i'm normal yeah he was like that's how comics stop being funny yeah it's because people enable that and you know that you when you get so big like you, it's like, you know, people stop. I mean, your audience, I'm sure, is really, you know. Well, we can all be guilty of it. You know, I think just what you're talking about is like navigating all these landmines that success can set up for you, you know, which are better landmines than failure,

but still landmines. And the landmines of fame are particularly intoxicating. Because when someone has a bunch of fans that say, oh my God, Mike Fuckface is here. Yay, oh my God, it's Mike. And they go run up to you. I can't believe, you're so amazing. And you're like, thank you. Thank you very much.

You want to take a picture with me? I'm cool with that. And it becomes this thing where you you you you get accustomed to that it gets so myopic and you forget that there's six billion people that don't have any fucking idea who you are and if mike fuckface is around tony mcdickface and tony mcdickface is more famous like tony mcdickface has a movie out now then mike fuckface gets really mad like tony mcdickface is stealing my shine exactly right you ever seen those guys before both represented by Barry Katz yeah I think Barry they just left

yeah yeah yeah but they're doing his podcast yeah they just went to three arts yeah but it's but it is that sort of thing no I literally found myself because it's also if you do achieve anything there it doesn't matter because you're just comparing yourself to someone with more achievements. So I'm recreating this feeling of failure at every level of success and recreating this unhappiness at every level where I have no real problems. Yes. You know, it's like, yeah, I have my. They're bullshit problems. Yeah, they're fake problems.

It's like, you know, it's like, yeah, my parents are sick. Yeah. They're bullshit problems. Yeah, they're fake problems. It's like, yeah, my parents are sick. Yeah, I have a lot of real things, but it's also like I can pay the bill to get them. I literally am going through this thing where it's like nursing homes and care for older people. And I'm like, how the fuck do people pay for this?

I have to go on tour to pay for it. I mean, I have to, you know, thank God I get to do that for a living. It's very expensive. Casinos and shit, but it's a fortune yeah and i'm like oh and my dad is you know is a vet and i looked at the vet facilities and i was just like are you fuck this this is where vets go the guys that fucking lost their limbs for our country like this is where you're putting them i mean vets are dying in these fucking facilities we had to do these um we did these benefits these uh events called fight for the troops and we did these for the uh um intrepid and uh intrepid center for excellence which is um an establishment that they they've these facilities they're they're creating these state-of-the-art facilities to deal with people with traumatic brain injuries and so they showed

us all these guys and it's unbelievably heartbreaking to see these people with their wives and their children and their families, and they're trying to rehabilitate them, and they're going through all these steps. But what was more disheartening than anything was to realize that all this stuff is privately funded, because the United States government, they don't allocate enough money to treatment of these troops when they get home they just don't so we have to raise all this money for these people so while we're doing this like they wanted us to talk about it at the beginning of it and i have to measure myself because it's on

television and it's i what i want to say is this is fucking crazy that we have to do a fight to raise i mean we're going to give people brain damage so that we can raise money for brain damage you'll raise the money for all the weapons right you that they really seem to find money for but not for the humans that use the weapon but these guys like it's so ironic in a lot of ways because these people are fighting okay and if they're fighting something like a bunch of people got knocked out in the show so they got some brain damage yeah so and I, obviously they're competing. It's their decision.

They're going for glory. They're trying to make it as a fighter. But the end result is they're getting pounded on so that we can make money. It's crazy. So they could help people who have brain damage. That is the most Chinese finger trap of a fucking concept. The amount of brain damage you get from MMA

is so minuscule compared to an IED. But it's also why the fuck do we not set money aside for this? How could there be find out what every congressman gets find out what every senator gets chop a chunk of that shit out and send it to the Intrepid Center.

I mean, there's got to be a way. There's got to be some fucking red tape and bureaucracy that you can cut and you could send some of that money to help take care of these people that you're forcing to go overseas and fight these battles. A friend of mine who was in the Army army he told me that the statistic on vets committing suicide it's insane now it's insane i want to say it was one i want to say it's one every like seven minutes oh yeah it is it's something like that yeah well jamie can look it up yeah but it's it's fucking insane it's more people average of 22 a day oh my god 22 a day. Oh, my God. 22 a day. In 2012, more U.S. soldiers committed suicide than were killed in combat. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's like, what do you... I mean, it's just, it's too crazy. And, yeah, and then I'm like, oh, God, where's my soy milk? I'm amazed it's only 22 a day. I thought it was way higher than that. Yeah, I know. I thought it was one every, like, seven minutes or something. But that's an average. Maybe it is some days. I'm amazed it's only 22 a day. I thought it was way higher than that. Yeah, I know. I thought it was one every like seven minutes or something. But that's an average.

Maybe it is some days. I don't know. I don't like throwing statistics around unless I know what I'm talking about. I know too many people that have served. I just know too many. I know too much of it. I've talked to too many guys. And I've talked to too many people that the reality of it is so bleak.

And also, from the little I know about it, is that... And then the uh drone guys are is a real nightmare because there's all this uh you know normally when you are in combat and you come back you do a is it called a neutralization period like you go to germany or some for like five days and like they chill you out before you go back to your family and kids after you've just been in combat but But these drone guys, not only is the technology so advanced, they're seeing all these women and children. They're not in the fog of war, right?

They don't just see, like, threat, threat, threat. Because when you are getting shot at, a kid might as well be a guy with a gun. So these guys are seeing these people getting shot super close up. They're seeing their own guys get shot. They're seeing it, and then they go upstairs to their wife and kids and there's just no period for their brains to acclimate to it. And it's, there's a serious atrophy of drone pilots and they're just raised the wages of it so that it'll attract more because so few people want to do it. Really?

Yeah. Doing it in your basement, like a video game just is actually even more traumatic, oddly. But also the suicide rate. Apparently, it's even worse among the soldiers that didn't kill anyone because they have guilt and shame about it. Whoa. Yeah. Well, from what I've talked to with guys that were in the SEALs or Rangers, special operatives guys, is that those guys have way less issues. Seals and rangers. Okay.

Because first of all, mentally, they're going to be the most durable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's never the strongest guys. It's always the most. Yeah. Yeah. Well, those guys, they're mentally more durable. They have a better understanding.

They have way deeper and more intense camaraderie than the average person does and then on top of that they're they're proactive they're the ones who are hunting down bad guys yes they're not waiting for people to attack them they're going after them so it's a totally different kind of thing like if they plot a mission and they're gonna go fuck somebody up like they're they're hunting they're not being hunted and when you're being hunted oh yeah the anxiety that's where the the stress comes dude i wanted to send you this uh you probably already read it it's called sapiens i think and uh it's essentially it's about um anxiety and is that the book you just no that was other day? No, that was a different one. I realized I had been texting you too many books. That's all right. Keep it coming.

Yeah. Keep it coming. Yeah, it's like most girls send naked photos, nude pics. I send science books. It's like, no wonder I'm fucking alone. And it's about anxiety. And everyone's like, I have anxiety, I have anxiety. And it's like anxiety is actually, it talks about sort of the origin of it.

And it's two-pronged. One is because I had a lot of shame have anxiety, I have anxiety. And it's like anxiety is actually, it talks about sort of the origin of it. And it's two-pronged. One is because I had a lot of shame about anxiety too. Shame about anxiety? Shame about it. Like, I mean, why am I anxious? It's like we're actually supposed to be anxious, you know, just by the laws of survival of the fittest. The fittest were the ones that were anxious, you know, thousands of years ago. The anxious hypervigilant people were the ones that were like, oh, there's a fucking tiger.

We should move. And the ones that didn't have anxiety just got eaten alive. Right. And you're definitely one of the watchers. Yeah, I think I'm definitely. You got anxiety. I think I'm a watcher. You can't sleep.

I know. You're up at night. That's why we've got weed. And you're also a stand up comedian. So you live a nightlife. Yeah, I have adrenaline. People who grew up in hectic homes who produced adrenaline young usually have an adrenaline addiction. Oh, I definitely have that.

Yeah, because your body's producing so much adrenaline. I have a huge problem with that. Oh, huge. Also, to your point just now, I never thought, of course I hadn't thought about it. I'm not smart enough to. But I have never known that humans are not designed to be at the top of the food chain. We're only at the top of the food chain because we have weapons. And the reason we have weapons is because we had really large brains, which was actually not helpful at all. It's really inefficient and uneconomical

for energy because I guess our brains burn like 25 or 30% of our calories or something. So chimpanzees and apes had smaller brains. They were able to climb trees and avoid threats. Like a big brain is like a disaster, except that we invented tools. So we sort of, not based on merit, we superficially, once we invented tools, jumped to the top of the food chain, but we don't deserve to be there. Because without weapons, a lot of species would kill us. Yeah, but we can figure out weapons. So of course we deserve to be there.

Totally. But as soon as the weapons are gone, we're vulnerable. We're vulnerable to animals yes to a lot it because we're not truly at the top of the food chain We only are at the top of the food chain if we have a weapon yeah, but we Were at the top of the food chain. That's like a turtle without a shell But the second you drop your weapon yeah, you're in the middle of the food chain. Don't drop it bitch of the food chain. Don't drop it, bitch. So I'm not as fucking,

I'm not as agile as you. You keep the fucking weapon. That's how you stay alive. That's like 101. But that's the anxiety. Right. Hold the fucking weapon. Yes. Don't drop it.

And be, and keep your shit together. Yeah. And keep on fucking high alert because the second, if your back is to a lion and the weapon's pointing this way, you're still going to die.

Yes. You know? The lions are problematic even if you have a weapon. It's like, it's a balance. Yeah, they eat bullets for fucking breakfast.

There's a balance of animal sizes. The second you run out of bullets, it's over. Well, you know, when you think about what made a human a human, it's really fascinating. Because it becomes like what came first, the chicken or the egg? Yeah. Like what were we like when we were Australopithecus? You know, they have these depictions of us and what we looked like all hairy and with fucking sloped foreheads and shit.

We were pretty close to people, but not really people. And when you really look at the fossil record, what they understand, at least, we're only talking about this kind of person like you and I for a couple hundred thousand years. That's so recent. So recent. It's so weird. Oh, I have an extra bone in my foot. What? Yeah. That's so recent. So recent. It's so weird. I have an extra bone in my foot. What?

Yeah. What's your foot doing? My feet are webbed. Is that a turn off for all those foot fetishes? Keep your socks on. You know what's so funny is that I'm wearing flip flops today. It's a real power move. Do you really have webbed feet?

No, I don't. I'm joking. I want to see. I've never seen that before. But there are these foot fetishes. Hi, guys. There's foot fetishes out there. And if you Google me, I think Whitney Cummings' feet is the second or third one.

Which I, you know, I mean, that's for most people in the public eye. Like, feet is always like two. Like, Google Charlize Theron. Don't do it. And just see what they come up, you know? Right. So I'm really afraid that if I admit this, although I'm going to lose my foot fetish demo, but I had this pain in my foot. And I think we're probably a little bit similar.

You much more so. But I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. You just learn. I didn't go to doctors growing up. It's just like suck it up. That's what I caught on fire. I went to school like that's basically like how my family was. You just suck it up and you man up. So I had this pain in my foot or like my like my big toe and then my like third toe like once every two weeks like real bad. And it would be like it's just a stabbing awful pain. But I just was like, oh, that's my foot. Like once every two weeks weeks my foot has like a spasm and it lasts for like I don't know like two minutes and then I get through it and I was in a writer's room one day and my my feet were up on the table and then I

was like had the pain came and I was like and I'm like screaming and two minutes later I'm like anyway so uh act three what should we and everyone was like what the fuck was that I was like I was like oh I have this thing I have this foot spasm that happens once every two weeks it's just like my foot everyone was like no that's not a thing that's not a you have to get go to a podiatrist first time i've ever went to a podiatrist and he gave me an x-ray and he's like oh you have an extra foot i'm sorry you have an extra foot you have an extra bone in your foot between your second and third toe and he's like it's basically just remnants of being a neanderthal really yes now is it uh it's not bone spurs like a broken foot it's literally just like an extra you can't

really see it it's just like an extra bone like right here whoa like one dink you know because we used to have more bones in our feet and you're just like, that's fucking real. Like it was not that long ago. Why would we have extra bones though? What would, it's something about the, uh, uh,

I'll find out for you. It's something about the webbing or something. My friend, Steve Rinella went to Bolivia and he stayed with the Chumani, the tribe, the tribe in Bolivia and they stayed with the Chumani, the tribe. It's a tribe in Bolivia. Yeah. And they don't wear shoes and they live in the rainforest.

And their feet. Yeah. Their feet are splayed out. It's interesting. Like our feet are like this. And is that genetic or is it worn from running? Oh, it's worn. Worn from running all the time.

So, well, it's just walking constantly barefoot. But like our feet are like, where their feet are spread. Like, their toes are spread out. And women's in America are, like, all fucking mushed. Fucking all shrimp. So many girls I see in their feet, their toes are taken left and right turns. Yeah, yeah. They're just trying to run away from each other.

Jammed into these fucking shoes that don't shape. They're not shaped like a foot. Cocktail shrimp feet. Whose fucking feet are shaped like that? Asian-bound geisha. Not even. That's like they have to do it, right? It's crazy.

But these Chumani people, Rinella was there, and he was walking through the woods with these people, and he was like, this is incredible because they've never had shoes. They don't have any shoes. And if you give them shoes, they try them on. They're like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy, yeah. And they throw it aside. And they have these thick, thick soles of their feet.

Sure. From just constantly. But again, that's my, that's exactly like you keep saying, my goal, like you're,

we acclimate to where we are. So I want to have the thick, thick sole in my personality. You know what I mean? I want to be that person. I don't want to be the one

who has the, is like, can fall apart. Yes. I don't, yes. I don't want to be the one who has the is like can fall apart yes i don't yes yeah i don't want to be this like oh my god do you have like stevia like i don't i started realizing i had all these fucking needs don't you think those are patterns that we see around us constantly yeah because it's so socially enforced it's so like coconut milk soy milk

and did a six dollar latte and it becomes normal after a while. And I was like, this is not fucking normal. It's also comforting to behave in these patterns that we've already seen before. It makes you feel like you're a normal person. And it makes us feel like because we're designed to be part of a tribe and to fit in. And standing out produces stress because it means we're less safe. And I was like, I do not want to. Because you drive around and you're like, oh, this fucking asshole, asshole this whole asshole and you're like i'm one of those assholes right i've

got to remove myself from the situation and go watch kids have surgery for you know a lot of that these asshole things like the fucking road rage and all that jazz a lot of that goes away when you're in a small town tell me yeah that's interesting in boulder one of the things that i found um and i was only in boulder for a few months but one of the things that I found, and I was only in Boulder for a few months, but one of the things that I found when I was there is people drive way more polite. They're way nicer. They let people in and they don't cut people off as much. Because they're fucking stoned. No, no.

That too. Everyone. For sure, that too. But there's less of them. There's only 100,000 people in town. Oh, sure. So when you have a small community, first of all, there's less diffusion of responsibility because you and that person are probably going to see each other again. Got it.

So if I give someone the finger on the highway on the 405, what are the odds I'm going to meet that dude again? Zero. Probably zero. There's less accountability. It's like we can be more anonymous. More accountability. Yeah.

And you have more responsibility as a community. Like if you see someone pulled over the side of the road, you have more responsibility as a community like if you see someone pulled over the side of the road you have more desire to pull over and help them it's like tribal i mean that's really like a tribe mentality like there was these people that were pushing their car the other day and uh they were on the side of the road and i was thinking fuck should i get out of the car and help them push the car and uh i think i watched them do it i'm like yeah they're okay they got it it's up on the hill they're it. I'm like, yeah, they're okay. They got it. It's up on the hill. It's up on the curb. They're going to be okay.

But I was thinking, like, if this was a small town, for sure I'd pull over. And I was thinking that at that moment, because of the time that I spent living in Boulder, I was amazed at how polite people were. And also, the less people, like, in the town the town like when i was in this town in the mountains they would wave when you would go by people lift their hand up when you would drive by you're like you'd pass each other and everybody and i got used to doing it and we all did it you know as you were driving this way that person driving that way you lift your hand up and you wave to them because there's not that many of you see in la i think there's so fucking many people

that we lose the idea of value of our fellow humans. Because our fellow humans become a burden. It's just a dog fight. Yeah. Become a burden. There's too many of us. And so there's a lot of benefit in that. Like for guys like – or for people like you and I, it's great because there's so many clubs we can work at.

There's so much variety as far as like restaurants we can eat at or places we can go and so much culture to see. But also you're dealing with this massive volume of people and it's hard to keep your perspective. It's hard to keep your perspective just with the sheer numbers. And I think in a lot of ways it mirrors what we're talking about with even with celebrity or with fame or with wealth that it's hard to keep perspective. Like for people, people need need adversity difficult situations we need things in order to keep our perspective you know what's interesting have you been to tokyo yes so tokyo is like hectic i mean there's not as many it's not as much of a car culture but there's a weird i wonder what part of its cultural and whether cars play it because it's really everything is

time square tokyo is like a big time square but there's like this concept of space and it's cultural and whether cars play it because it's really everything is Times Square. Tokyo is like a big Times Square. But there's like this concept of space and it's not like when I go to New York, it's like, fuck you, fuck you, excuse me. You know, it's like you're just like in a rat race. Whereas in Tokyo, there was this weird harmonic sort of it's almost like choreographed. Yes. Less of a like, I don't know what that less aggression.

More respect. Yeah. Maybe it's maybe it is that cultural thing we were talking about earlier, but it's less of a like, I don't know what that, less aggression. More respect. Yeah. Maybe it is that cultural thing we were talking about earlier, but it's less of like, I got it. Maybe it's because we live in a capitalist society where it's all like we're competing with everybody. Well, they compete too, but they compete in a very different way than we do. Yeah.

You know, they compete with, they have a lot of honor and behavior patterns that they're expected to follow. It's a very different world. But I was amazed how polite people were in Tokyo. I was just – I got – I mean I accidentally was rude so many – because when a cab picks you up, you're not allowed to open the door. The door opens and it's considered rude if you open the door yourself or close it.

The cab driver gets up and opens it and closes it for you. Really? Yeah. Like it's rude to do something for yourself. Huh. And it's weird because it makes you feel like you're going to be robbed. Because everyone's like, how are you? Can I help you?

It's like the service is like, you know, as you said, it's all about honor and dignity and taking pride in your work. Which I'm all about fucking shortcuts. It's like, how do I? Well, they're all about doing something the most difficult way. Like doing or the most. Painstaking. Yeah, most difficult way. Like doing, or the most. Painstaking. Yeah, painstaking. Like samurai swords.

Have you ever seen an actual samurai sword? No. Oh, of course. Joe's got one in his pocket, guys. Jesus. This is from the 1500s. Okay. This is a real samurai sword from the 1500s, like legitimately.

And if you look at that blade, that blade was made by some guy so turned on right now steel pounded it folded it over pounded it again folded it over pounded it again it takes forever and you can see if you look at the assembly line no well that's so much more human. It's like if there's just an assembly line that's making these, you know, as a human, you just feel like a robot. You feel like you are robbed of your individuality. You know, this is like you can take pride in your work. But they did it different than anybody. They did it different than anybody who's making swords. I mean, they had sword making and sword fighting.

Yeah. Gotta get your core on point for this. That's the real deal. And is this to actually kill people or is this to samurai fight? That probably killed people. What do you think it feels like to stab someone? I bet it's not easy. Easy in what way?

Like, I mean, you're way stronger than me. Well, it depends on where you stab them. Give me a, that's a good, so if you're, what's the- In the stomach, it's probably pretty easy. If you need to create a replica of what it would be like to stab someone, would it be like

a watermelon? No, you'd get like a deer. Oh, yeah. Get like an animal. Okay, that's obvious.

But like ribs, does ribs stop it? Ribs can if you're weak, you know, but it depends on how heavy the blade is. Like, does anyone ever

try to stab someone? It's like the ribs just stop the whole thing from happening. For sure. I guess that's what ribs are for, to protect your... Yeah. I mean, a weak person who stabs you in the wrong spot with a small knife is probably not going to get it in. But somebody who stabs you with that fucking thing, the odds of that not going through your ribs, pretty small. If you're a strong person, most likely you're going to penetrate their entire body.

But it's also mirrored in archery, like in bow hunting. That's like one of the most important aspects of bow hunting is to have a heavy arrow that has a sharp blade with a powerful bow. So it goes through bone. So it goes through the ribs. Yeah. Because if it doesn't go through the ribs, if it stops at the ribs, then you just have a the ribs then you just have a wounded animal where are you on bone marrow i eat bone marrow me too love it it's my new thing it's good my nails my hair like grew it's like that in that same book

it talks about how bone marrow um human brain growth uh exponentially um went up when humans started eating the bone marrow of animal because they couldn't hunt their own animals they had to eat the leftover bone, trash. Right. Right? But that's actually where all the vitamins and good shit is. Well, there's so many questions and so many theories about what caused the doubling of the human brain size over a period of 2 million years. It's really a fascinating subject because they just don't know.

There's all this speculation. There's some think that it was the ability to throw, the throwing arm. Oh, yeah. Because it's one of the most unique aspects of a person. There's no other animal that can take a rock and throw it with accuracy like a person can. So like ground nesting birds, things along those lines. Is that a hand-eye coordination thing? Yes.

Like a chimpanzee can throw something, but it doesn't mean it's going to hit the target. Interesting. Well, it doesn't have the synapses. It doesn't have the connections in its mind that allow it to be like really accurate at distance. Right. Like a person, like think about like a pitcher who could throw a fastball. How many feet is it to the plate? 62, something like that.

62 feet? I think that's about right. Also, we were evolved to see underwater, right? Like fish first started. So we're actually, our vision is, I wonder. Find that out, James. I know nothing about that theory, so please. Have you ever read the aquatic ape theory?

Nope. The aquatic ape theory is really bizarre. I want that. It's very controversial. But the idea is that human beings come out of the womb with so much body fat and we're so different than chimpanzees in that regard. Like a chimpanzee baby is like a chimpanzee adult. It's just little. Well, most.

Yes. Yeah. But a human baby is filled with fat. We're super fat. Most species are born ready to go. Right. Ours are born completely helpless. Not just helpless, but fat.

Yeah. Like covered in fat. Yeah. And the idea is that we were in water and that we developed and we possibly evolved around water to the point where babies, like if you throw a chimpanzee baby in the water, they fucking drown. They just breathe water and they drown. You throw a human baby in the water, they instinctively hold their breath. Yeah. Because they're basically fish until they're born. Like the Nirvana cover with the baby in the water.

Yeah. Dollar bill. Yeah. Like when my kids, my kids learned how to swim when they were babies. That's awesome. We, we taught them when they were really little, we got them instruction. But one of the things you realize, like people, it's, it's a very natural thing to hold your breath and go underwater. Yeah. It's instinctive. Yeah. It's totally instinctive. And so the aquatic ape theory theorizes that at one point in our evolution, we were primarily water bound and that maybe we went into the water to get away from predators or that maybe we figured out a way to develop in the water as lower hominids. So no other animal holds their breath?

I don't know about no other animal, but I know that other primates don't. Yeah. Other primates just fucking drown like dummies. Well, and if we were webbed at some point. Is that true? Is that for swimming? Didn't we have webbed feet at some point? I don't know if that's true because chimps don't.

I don't know if that's true. Huh. We might have. I mean, we certainly. Don't some people every now and then have webbed feet? Yeah. But that could be just an aberration like cleft palate. Yeah, that's true.

You know, I mean, I don't know why. Yeah. We would have a web. I mean, maybe it may make sense here's a controversial theory it would kind of help you swim right but then it would get in the way if you wanted to like do shit it would it would be a problem yeah but i mean they weren't texting we're getting away from your instagramming a lot of things that you would do. Like what? Climb trees? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like scooping.

Making tools. I think it maybe would get in the way. Makes your fingers less agile. Webbed feet but not webbed hands would be helpful. Yeah. Webbed feet would help. Because our toes can't do anything. Our toes are useless. It would be great for swimming.

Yeah. Like a flipper. Yeah. But there's something about our fingers too. If you think about like the dexterity and the control that we have over our hands, it's so unusual in comparison to any other animal. There was this interesting study about how fingers, after being in water for two hours, could pick up more marbles than dry hands. Huh. Which kind of means that we must have needed to be in the water a lot. Does that what it means?

Or is it just a side effect of just your fingers getting wrinkly? Yeah, but why would they get wrinkly if it wasn't useful for something? Or is that just as the water does? I don't know. Why do people get cancer? Don't get me started on that. Why do people get cancer you know don't get me started why do people get the flu don't open that one i mean is that is that is there a benefit to that i don't know how many things are a benefit well we're kind of not designed to live past like 30 right well we definitely didn't live past 30 a long time ago very often yeah but i don't know is that scary scare you? What? Pushing it away. This?

No, I like it. I just, I'm so, I'm such a klutzy, like I'm afraid I'm just like, dink, and just like slash, slice his fucking head just in half. Scientists think they have the answer

why the skin on human fingers and toes shrivels up like an old prune when we soak in the bath. Laboratory tests confirmed the theory that wrinkly fingers improve our grip on wet or submerged objects

working to channel away the water like a rain treads in car tires. You know why it makes sense? Because the rest of your skin doesn't do that. Like if your elbows, your forearm got all wrinkly. That's true. So evolutionary neurobiologist and his colleagues suggest that wrinkling being an active process must have an evolutionary function.

The team also showed the pattern of wrinkling appeared to be optimized for providing a drainage network that improved grip. Makes sense. So maybe we're trying to get fish or some shit. Yeah. Rocks. Well, you know, it totally makes sense. That doesn't happen when you sweat, does it?

No. Unless you're some CrossFit fuckers sweating 15 hours a day. What's your take on CrossFit? I'm sure you've talked about it a lot. Um, I think activity is good. Yes. Right. I think exercise is good.

And I think, you know, those people, a lot of them are very fit. And, but I think that like a lot of things, when you take certain aspects of physical activity, like Steve, um, Maxwell, who's a good friend of mine and is a strength and conditioning coach, he said it best, that physical fitness, like lifting weights and engaging in exercise activities, he doesn't believe is a sport in and to itself. He thinks it's good at getting you strong for other sports.

Now, when you turn into a sport, like who can do the most clean and presses, who can do the most, you know, whatever, deadlifts in an hour. He doesn't think that that's healthy because in this is he's far more qualified than I am to answer this. So I'm using his rationale. now he thinks that power lifting and bodybuilding movement or power lifting and weightlifting movements like deadlifts or like cleans and presses you shouldn't do them for like sets of 30 and 40 and 50 and having these competitions to see who can do the most he's like it's just not beneficial it's not he he's of the school of thought that you should like strength lifting exercises or strength producing exercises should be done with low repetitions and you know you should take breaks in between them and it's about building the physical strength of your body it's not about performing them in a contest

now the crossfit people i think if i could speak for them i think they think of it as a healthy lifestyle and that this competition it makes them work I think they think of it as a healthy lifestyle and that this competition, it makes them work harder and they all work out together. And I definitely see their point. And if you follow CrossFit people, and it's one of the things about CrossFit people that they say, like if someone's a CrossFit and they're a vegan, what do they talk about first? Because have you ever seen that? Because it's like a meme. i think it was on like a

that is it was like a chalkboard that was in front of a coffee shop yeah well it's it's one of those things we get excited about it like vegans the most proselytizing vegans when you talk to them like one of the things i found because a lot of vegans get really upset with me because i eat meat but one of the things that i found with a lot of them is that I'll go to their Instagram page after they shit on me and I say, I just found a bacon fucking sandwich that's four months old. So it means how long you been a vegan? I've been a vegan for three months. Totally. And these three months has opened my eyes up. I found my favorite person online the other day. He's a vegan who believes the earth is flat. He's a flat earth vegan. Retweet him. Oh, yeah. The flat earth people, there is a lot of people out there that believe the fucking earth is flat.

They believe that it's all a hoax and that NASA is a hoax and that satellites aren't real and that there's airplanes that are flying high and that's where we're getting direct TV from and that it's all a giant vast conspiracy. And here's my favorite part. Gravity is not real and that the earth exists the reason why we're staying put is because electromagnetism i mean what i don't i'm not even gonna i don't even know how to respond to this that's what this is for just just beheadings think of how many astronomers and these are the people having kids yeah these people are just

procreating all day with other people but they think yeah these people are just procreating all day with other people but they think all these people are in on it and they think that if you look at the horizon like there's there's videos there's like a video that shows like the 200 reasons why they can prove that the earth is flat and it's so fucking stupid it hurts my feelings it really it it makes me so maybe it's my my night watcher fight or flight thing, but when I hear that, I just feel like I'm in danger. Well, you are a little. It's just like stupid people make me feel unsafe. Well, what it is is there's a lot of religions out there.

That's true. Religion actually serves, I understand the neurological purpose it serves know, don't be ignorant. What I was going to say is there's religions. I mean, the word religion. Let's ditch it. Let's just, what is the mental pathway that one follows when

they adhere to an ideology? And I think we're all guilty of it to a certain extent. And I think there needs to be something in place that's like, don't kill people like guilt and shame used to keep societies controlled and have a sense of order. Right. Sure. There's guns and before prisons and before shit was organized. It was like God's going to get you.

Right. They had to come up with something to keep people from raping each other and murdering everyone. Right. And at least stopping it. And don't do it again. Yeah. Like, you know, let's let's let's nip other and murdering everyone. Right. And at least stopping it and don't do it again. Yeah. Like, you know, let's nip the shit in the bud. Yes. And then someone saw a business opportunity and was like, oh, I can charge for this.

Well, you know. Yeah. I mean, look, there's countless examples of people creating these behavior patterns that other folks are forced to follow. And these ideologies, you see the way people think. And I think to a certain extent, there's a lot of like really what people call the regressive left. Like when people get mad at a white guy for wearing dreadlocks, and they say this is cultural appropriation, you're taking black people's culture.

Like that sort of same thing is akin to religious people that want to force women to dress a certain way or want to force gay people to act a certain way there's like there's there's parts of certain ideologies that literally exist because someone is trying to exert control over other people and they think they can because it's a rule right right right like the like the it's a bad example that I used about the dreadlocks cause it's so fucking stupid because first of all, Vikings wore dreadlocks. The Greeks had dreadlocks. It's a white thing too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a dirty hair thing. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's just, it's a skank thing. We only had dreadlocks until like the 1600s. It's so, it's so stupid, but it's, it's a new way that people can get upset at certain groups and the left, like, especially like what people a new way that people can get upset at certain groups. And the left, especially what people – a lot of people get upset at that term, the regressive left.

But it's a good term. And the reason why it's a good term is because they're – first of all, they're attacking straight – well, they're attacking white gay men now for having privileges. Privilege, okay. I read this whole article about white gay privilege as opposed to black men and people of color who are gay who don't get to experience the same freedom that white gay people do. They live in white neighborhoods and have, you know, adopt white babies. It's easier for them. I mean, it's attacking this constant. But we love I think it was you. We were texting about this.

Like people love being outraged. Yes. And I don't know. Recreational outrage. Love it. They love complaining. I think it is a form of bonding. And I think it is how people connect to each other. it was you we were texting about this like people love being outraged yes and i don't know recreational outrage love it yeah they love complaint and i think it is a form of bonding and i think it is how people connect to each other and like you know organize and stuff people love being offended they love being insulted they love they love racism because then they get to complain about it and they get to take the moral high ground they get to be sanctimonious and they get to be

you know right and it's just like i think that of thinking, I don't want to call it religion because I think it's a pattern and patterns in these ideologies. I think it's problematic when you label it like this is because of God. This is, but it's these, these patterns that people force their mind into. Well, some people force themselves into these patterns where everything is a fucking conspiracy. Yeah. And this is how you get to this like delusional state of mind that would allow you to think that the earth is flat or that you know the government's run by reptilians but to me intelligence is kind of someone being able to go

i think this is how it is or not yeah or not. Not being married to your idea. Just like I could totally be fucking wrong. Like, you know, I think it's just like, what is this? Like, all my self-esteem and identity is linked to this lie. It's like, how sad and lonely is that person that they need to attach to some idea that it's just so odd to me. I mean, I think comediansians our brains are a little we like i'm we can go through an hour set and say argue a point argue against our own point go back on and then someone heckles it's like well that's a good point like i mean i i feel very lucky that we have

brains that are able to see everybody's side and that's kind of what we do um for a living but it's very shocking to me it seems so suffocating and isolating and weird to just be stuck on one thing. Sure. And it's easy to be. It's so common. It's obviously easy to be because it's so common. That someone's belief system is their home, you know? And if you think something and someone proves you wrong, you will be angry and you will defend that original idea as if it's a part of you that someone's trying to steal.

It's like, yes. Why are you insulting me? Try to take from me. Yes. It does. People react to it like it's stealing. That's so interesting. That's when you can see right away that there's an issue because people take it very personally

if you don't share their belief. The smartest people are the ones that detach from their belief systems the fastest, like doctors and scientists. Like mirror neurons, it was all about mirror neurons like a couple years ago, right? And then they recently just debunked that theory and scientists had to be like, whoops, we were wrong. Right. You know? Or that's what science is all about.

A friend of mine who's a doctor, I was like, because he's always like, oh, and then I'm at my practice. And I was like, do you guys feel like it's weird that you call it practice? You know, do you want to call it- Shouldn't you be good at it already? Like nailed it or the game time. Like I'm at my game time, championship game. And he's like, no, it's called practice because medicine is doing the best we can with what we know. There's a lot of stuff we don't know.

You know, and in 10 years, we're going to be looking back and they were like, I can't believe we fucking did that. That was dangerous. Oh, unquestionably. That's like what medicine and science is. Like you're wrong. Every five years, there's a new fucking piece of information. Did you see the latest, this thing that I tweeted yesterday, that they've given approval to people to use stem cells

to try to regenerate dead people's brains? Love it. What? Excuse me? Is this a fucking horror movie? I mean, that's what everybody was like tweeting. Just zombies. This is how we make zombies.

Wait, so is it to bring people back to life or put their old brain into a new person's body? No, I think, well, there's that too. But they want to find out. Here it is. Biotech company granted ethical permission to attempt to use stem cells to reactivate the brains of the dead. To like catch their killer? Oh, no, I don't think so. That would be crazy.

To be like, hey, who killed you? All right, go back to sleep. No, I don't think so. That'd be crazy. It's like, hey, who killed you? All right, go back to sleep. I want to know what the conversation was because they've been granted ethical permission by an institutional review board. I didn't know there was an institutional review board.

That's not a real company. Yeah. In the U.S. and in India, to use 20. Yeah, in India, they're going to take the brains of the babies they smash against the rocks. I think they need to inject themselves into a lot of alive people in America. Just try to fucking revive them. Yeah, it's just there's a lot of alive people in America. Just try to fucking revive them. Yeah, it's just there's a lot of people. Grow them. Just dumb people.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Use 20 brain dead patients for what is sure to be. Oh, okay. Oh, so they're not buried. They're like in comas or comatose or something. But look what they're calling it. The re-anima project.

Oh, fucking Christ. It sounds like anima. What are you doing, Jamie? The website. This is it? Yeah. it yeah oh god a second chance at life oh my god it's magnolia it's also by the way the worst thing about this is it's a shitty website it's terrible i'm not gonna i know if i if i had to do this on like a family member someone needs to get on squarespace totally i'm like guys you've got like this is like commie got, like, this is like Comedy Central stuff. Proven scientific concept.

This is insane. Exploring the potential of cutting edge biomedical technology for human neuroregeneration and How much? How much? How much does it cost? Neuro reanimation. Neuro reanimation. When you say reanimator, I think of that fucking movie.

Yeah. The reanimator movie where they brought the monsters, they brought the people back to life and they were monsters. Remember that movie? Oh, Jesus. reanimator, I think of that fucking movie. Yeah. The reanimator movie where they brought the monsters, they brought the people back to life and they were monsters. Remember that movie? Oh, Jesus. Reanimator. It's like some mad scientist movie from the 80s. Hold on.

Is it a private thing? Like if I'm like, I want to reanimate. I want to invest. Yeah. Totally. I know that's all you're doing right now. I feel like you probably have some fighter friends who could use this. Oh, I know some.

Yeah. We both do. I have a couple in my phone. We can fucking inject some shit in there and fix some stuff. Brian Callen. Brian has never even been hit. He doesn't even have any real excuses. I'm sure his wife's hit him a couple times. I'm sure. He likes to box lately. Brian's into boxing and I think he

even spars. Boxing is way worse for you, isn't it? It's all bad for you. Fucking soccer gives you brain damage. Your head's not supposed to get jostled around too much. It goes every direction except down. I have a buddy of mine who's a professor who's 49 or 50 and he kickboxes. He spars. And I'm like, but you know.

You understand this. You're into this. He's a history professor. I'm like, you understand that. Yeah. Like you're into this. Yeah. You know, he's a history professor. Yeah. Like you understand that this is dangerous for your brain, but you get so much enjoyment out of the thrill of being primal. Yeah. And actually being in there sparring.

Let me ask you a question. Did we, we didn't talk about this last time, that Calcio Storico thing in Italy. Yes. Yes. Yes. A bare knuckle football with bare knuckle boxing. Insane. Insane.

Yeah. So I was going to go. I didn't even know about that until you sent it to me. I was trying to make that documentary. Yeah. Yes.

And Pete Berg, I think, ended up making it anyway, but we were like, just broken up. I'm like, why am I making a documentary with my ex-boyfriend?

This is really self-abusive. But it's apparently the month that it happens, violence in the area goes down. Of course. Yeah. So there's something interesting about these guys who want to go spar. Like maybe they're sexually harassing less women at work.

Maybe they're, you know, having less bar fights. This is Calcio Storico. So it was invented in the 1600s to entertain kings. It was stopped because so many people were dying. And then in, I want to say 1916, they brought it back. They keep it low profile because so many people get concussions and sick. So they just group kickboxing. It's like, I think 20 on 20.

The only rule is no two on one. These are grown men. These are not young athletes. They're not professional athletes. They're butchers. They're lawyers. They're whatever. They just exchanged partners.

Like guys just moved and a new guy moved in. They just touched hands. Like one guy was du a new guy moved in. They just touched hands. Like one guy was duking it out with a guy and for some reason they changed. This is bare knuckle. Yeah. It's also by region. So it's like neighborhoods against neighborhoods. So a lot of it's like fathers against sons, brothers against brothers.

They changed teammates. Like two guys were fighting and then another guy steps in and takes the place. First of all, these guys have dog shit skills. Like two guys were fighting and then another guy steps in and takes the place. First of all, these guys have dog shit skills. But it's no, these are not. Another guy just stepped in. These aren't professional athletes. These are literally guys that have other jobs.

Once a year, they just agree to fucking just fight each other. To suck at fighting. It gets pretty, which one is this? What number minute are you in? Oh, first. Okay. Do you have a ball too so here's what you should see. The ball, it actually, the goal is to get the ball into the other side. But when you, dog shit skills is so funny.

I'm just laughing at that. When the person scores, they get so hit so hard that no one wants to score. Oh, that's hilarious. Everyone's like, no, you do it, you do it. Because as soon as you score, people just pummel you. And then you see these guys in the corners with stretchers. They just carry people off the field the entire time.

So this guy's holding this guy down. So you could grapple, too? Yes. The only rule. You can bite. You can kick in the ball. You can do anything. You can bite?

The only thing you can't do is two on one. That's the only rule. You can bite? The only rule is no two on one. You can kick in the can bite The only thing you can't do Is two on one That's the only rule You can bite The only rule is no two on one You can kick in the balls I'm sure I mean maybe that's like a gentleman's See like these two guys Are the only two guys

That are humping Look at these two guys This guy's got this guy's back And there's a lot of people Fucking lollygagging And strolling around A lot of cherry pickers I'd be pissed

And they're like You fucking pussies Get in there Well because I think They get out there And they're like, what the fuck am I doing? I have a family. Listen, let's knock these guys out one at a time. What the fuck are we doing here? Oh, look at that guy.

Oh, someone got smacked. Yeah. So he goes down. So he's got the ball. He went down, then another guy took his place instantly. This guy's just sort of avoiding the whole thing. Yeah, this ball guy looks gay as fuck. No.

See, there's the guy gets knocked down. But look, as soon as he gets knocked down, another guy steps in and fights the guy that he was fighting before he got knocked down. Oh, what a bizarre, stupid sport. So then it turns into just like a melee of madness. And it's actually interesting to watch the clusters happen, like the energy going into one place.

Whoa, only one black guy? Yeah, I know. That's why it's so fucking clumsy. That's why it's so boring. That's why nobody watches these. And these are regular guys. These are not professional athletes. They train for it.

It's almost like a, what's that thing, the Iron Man? It's like a voluntary thing that they do. It's tradition. You do it if your dad did it. Oh, God. Yeah. So stupid. It's so ridiculous.

But there's a lot of tradition in it, and see everyone wears Joker uniforms or what is that? There's two guys that are humping. This still is bothering me. They're just like, hey, dude, can we just- This guy's got this guy's back, but he's not doing anything. By the way, you should go out there when you're in to the commentary. I'd be so angry.

You're like, where are all the black people? I'd be so angry. This guy's fucking gay. I see two more black guys. I'm getting happy now. They just took him off the bench. Three. There's another.

He might be just a Sicilian. This guy's annoying. You've got dog shit skills. Well, it just seems like, I mean, a few of these guys are okay. They've got a little bit going on. See the yellow guys in yellow? That's when people get fucked up. Yeah, they just get taken off the field.

And then they have to play, I think it's two 20-minute quarters, and then the winners have to play again the next day, again three days in a row. The championship is four days later later and the winning team their prize is a cow they get a cow they get a cow a cow you don't get money you don't get endorsed the thing i like about it that attracted me to it there's no endorsement deals

there's no nothing's being promoted it's just people that want to fucking fight each other what i don't understand is where's the leg kicks? Do you guys not understand about leg kicks? They're Italian. Yeah, but there's a few kicks being thrown, but no one's throwing any leg kicks. They're standing right in front of each other, but there's no takedowns. There's no takedown attempts. It's just shitty boxing with the occasional kick.

It's basically just like a giant street fight. Right, but these guys have a little bit of skill. I'm looking at the way these... See, here's a takedown. Look at this. But nothing happens. So you can take a guy down. But look at the way these guys are standing in front of each other.

I think they probably get out there and are like, Wait, what am I doing? Let's just pace around and see if we can just get through this 40 minutes. It's so weird because they just exchange partners. They move back and forth. They square off and then they decide, I don't want to fight you. I'm going to fight your friend.

Well, it's so interesting because think about it. It's like these are not trained guys, but it's like if you put 20 people fighting, there's no pressure to do it right away. It's like when do you decide it's time to take you down? Oh, Jesus. This is really weird. Okay, is this guy about to score?

Is the guy with the balls gonna go through he's got to get through yeah and then they're just talking shit i like that oh my god i like that like see look at that kick like how do you get does no one know how to kick no i think most people unless they're in thailand probably don't i went and saw those fights in thailand those can't watch this. Shut this up. This is horrible. I had to watch those. But the point is there's less violence. So maybe your friend who is getting brain damage at his gym, who has no business. Brian Callen?

Oh, well, Brian. If Brian didn't get boxed, I would be terrified at the things he was doing in this city. I think he needs to be in a gym getting punched in the face a couple hours a day. It's good for him. So I think the people at CrossFit, I mean, I'm not negative about CrossFit, but the kind of people who have to get that energy out, I worry where that energy would go if they weren't getting it out in competing or fighting or boxing or whatever. That's valid.

I think people feel better for sure when they have that sort of a release. And I think there's a cathartic release in any sort of like severe exertion. But I think you can get the same cathartic release from yoga. I really do. I really do. I mean, it's not as viscerally exciting. And for a man, it's not as satisfying. It doesn't give you the –

Well, it's not as much adrenaline. It doesn't give you the confidence. Like jujitsu is my favorite because jujitsu you can go full blast. And you get injured for sure. But it's not the same kind of injuries that you get usually from like kickboxing and stuff. Like kickboxing sparring to me is the most problematic because I've seen how hard some people can kick. Yeah. And I just know that if you zig when you should have zagged and someone decides to kick you hard and that fucking shin bounces off your head.

No. I just know what can be done. I've seen too much. So like when I see that, I'm like, you are BMX jumping with no helmet. Okay? Hopefully you're going to land. Well, it's the thing with the jungle gym. It's not about if.

It's about when. Yeah. Well, especially kickboxing. Kickboxing to me is – I feel like even boxing is more – as long as you're sparring with people who you know are not going to hit you hard, at least you've got a little bit more control of this situation i mean i don't know it really wasn't or like was profound to me when you said that you know you have to fall to know you're not your limitations but you know don't know how far the ramifications you have to understand when i broke my shoulder it changed my life like it was actually something that needed to happen because I pushed myself way too hard. I had no respect for my body. Like I just routinely abused it with every in so many ways. The people I surrounded myself with, the things I ate, the way that I lived, I didn't sleep. And it was like I needed to be proven the fragility of my body. yeah vulnerability yeah totally and being able to go you know what no i don't think so i think i'm gonna like try to think like more than two hours ahead right now and not do that dangerous thing

well think about your body as if this is long-term thing and people have given me a hard time about that too like like especially like lifting weights i'm gonna wonder why your body's so fucked up like because i'll put like a video on instagram of me working out with my trainer but that the only way you can keep your body from getting in, and this sounds so counterintuitive, the only way that you can prevent certain injuries is by making your body strong. Of course. The only way you can make your body strong is you've got to lift heavy things.

Do you have any interest in hypermobility? Yes. So I was hypermobile, which i didn't know which means i lift things everything from a weight to a coffee cup with my joints not my muscles so i was putting all so i'm using the term wrong so i know maybe i am too but it's um so western european trash which is i am basically just like alcoholics with joint problems like a lot of western european genetics means you're hypermobile which is so you're picking things. Like a lot of Western European genetics means you're hypermobile, which is you. So you're picking things up, putting a lot of strain on your joints instead of using

your whole body. So when I, you know, pick something up, it's my knees and my hips and my lower back instead of my thigh muscles and my glutes. Well, that's one of the best things about kettlebell training, in my opinion, is that they're so awkward that it forces you to understand how to use your body as a unit. There's a lot of people that do bodybuilding type workouts and the isolation exercises, although they make your muscles bigger, they don't allow your body to synchronize and use itself as one individual unit. Interesting. And that's how you get non-collision injuries. Like when you hear about people who are 50 and they're like, I sneezed and threw my back out. That's because they've been putting like,

you know, pressure on their joints instead of their muscles for the longest time. And I didn't have an ass. Like I never used my glutes just walking around and walking upstairs and picking things up and whatever. And, uh, and then I had to like relearn how to like walk and shit.

I had to go to this like fucking Pilates thing. And like, it was so fucking boring. This was like three years ago. You learned how to walk. It was a fucking nightmare. Somebody's talking to you. Whitney, you don't know how to walk.

You need to relearn how to walk. And you're sitting in bed. You can't sleep. Fuck, I need to learn how to walk. I'm going to do a documentary on how to walk. I'm going to write a book on how to walk. I'm going to learn how to walk. I'm going to get fucking awesome at learning how to walk. I'm going to teach people how to walk. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to China, and I'm going to teach kids how to walk. I'm going to write a book on how to walk. I'm going to learn how to walk. I'm going to get fucking awesome at learning how to walk. I'm going to teach

people how to walk. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to China and I'm going to teach kids how to walk. Shut up! By the way, that's my schedule for tomorrow. That's how you do it. Thanks for reminding me. I mean, you're one of those people like when you call me, I'm going to say, I'm doing a documentary on violence. Well, when someone tells you you don't know how to walk, it's very alarming. Well, that's fucking horseshit. You walked over to them

and they lied to you. I know. You don't know what it's like to be a woman we believe lies i don't know what it is guys believe lies too we're all full of shit yeah the world's flat your dick is huge there's a lot of lies going around yeah that's it but someone telling you you don't know how to walk my favorite i was in uh a writer's room once and i was like thinking of this like story where this these characters were gonna have sex but then they didn't and i was like oh I have an idea what if the guy is allergic to spermicide and everyone was like huh and I was like you know how like some guys are allergic to spermicide so they can't use condoms everybody looked at you like what I was like yeah it's like half of the guys I've dated I was like they can't use condoms because they're so allergic to it.

Oh, that's so hilarious. They were like, you are the dumbest. I was literally like, as I was saying it, I was like, oh, wow. Well, I believe that some women are allergic to spermicide. Not only that, but I've heard that some women are actually allergic to different partner sperm. Interesting. Yeah, I think that's true. Please Google that, Jamie. I'm allergic to sperm fertil sperm. Interesting. Yeah, I think that's true. Please Google that, Jamie. I'm allergic to sperm fertilizing my eggs.

Well, what about the frozen eggs? Do you feel like a connection to them? Yeah, I have this really bad reaction. They're at a cooler somewhere. No, my frozen eggs are fucking living an amazing life in Hermosa Beach. They have a great view. In a vault.

Yeah. How do they keep them cold? I guess it's cryo-freeze. I should probably just keep them down. What if the power goes out? I think about that all the time. If the grid goes down. Is that one of those things in the middle of the night?

I love that. No. They explain to me the generators and all this stuff. All I ever think about is when I'm in hospitals, what if the fucking power goes out? How old are you now? 33. And how many eggs did you store away? 18.

Your eggs are still good. Yeah. They're really good. You're good for like another six years. I am still good. A semen allergy ruined my marriage. Holy shit. 14 months after we were married, I was diagnosed with human seminal plasma hypersensitivity,

an allergy to semen. Oh my God. I met Simon at a girlfriend's wedding. Name changed to predict identity. The faithful day changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined. So I wonder if she's like allergic to some dude's loads and not everyone's loads.

Well, where does it land? Is the allergy happening in her vagina? That's a good question. Or in her eyes? That's a good question. Just the fact that someone's allergic to comments.

Yeah, but I just am curious where, like, is her throat getting itchy? Well, I wonder like what allergies guys have. Are some guys allergic to eating pussy? Okay, sperm allergy, sometimes semen allergy, seminal plasma, I wonder what allergies guys have. Are some guys allergic to eating pussy? Okay.

Sperm allergy, sometimes semen allergy, seminal plasma, hypersensitivity is a rare allergic reaction to proteins found in a man's semen. Mostly affects women. Burning sensation in the vaginal area. Oh, that's not good. Pain, itching, and a burning sensation in the vaginal area. Oh, that's awful. Yeah, it sounds not good. Oh, that's a bummer.

Mostly affects women. Why? Because mostly women catch loads. I wonder, yo, am I right? area oh that's awful yeah it sounds not good oh that's a mostly affects women why because mostly women catch loads i wonder yo am i right let me ask you something well i'm always like what's the evolutionary purpose of something i mean there's got to be an evolutionary purpose to every allergy is it is it just to like eliminate people well that's what i'm saying maybe evolution doesn't want this woman to procreate maybe she has has shit genetics. But evolution doesn't really work that way. It's random mutations and adaptations to environmental changes.

Yeah, but what if this, if the, yeah, hold on. So they don't prove beneficial. So for example, right? So pheromones, if your pheromones smell good, that means we should procreate, right? If they smell bad, it means we're probably related somehow. That's when, so to have a vagina flare up when sperm goes in it is that nature's way of being like this woman has garbage genetics

maybe that dude has weak loads maybe if a man has some like fucking stout loads yeah yeah get in there and your vagina be like i'll take this this is good this is good hey girl maybe yeah maybe it's just Bad Loads. That's your area. I don't know. I'm going to not chime in. Who was it that was on the podcast? Was it Chris Ryan that was explaining about- But please write a book called Bad Loads.

Stout Loads. That's going to be my new podcast. Forward by Brian Callen. We're just going to talk about loads for three hours, twice a week. Yeah. Stout Loads. I'm really interested in loads. Yeah, we should be.

I have to do my first sex scene an actual sex actual sex scene next week yeah and more and literally there's so much time and energy has gone into where does his dick go where does yeah where does everything go is it for a tv show or a movie it's for a, so it's going to be a lot of people on the set. Yeah, I mean, they'll probably minimize unnecessary people that day. I had a dude who I was friends with who did a sex scene with a girl, and they're making out, and she goes, if you want, you could go ahead and fuck me. And he was like, nope.

It was like the moment you said that, the type of girl that says you can fuck me in a B movie. It wasn't even a B movie. It was like some no-name nonsense production. And they were making out and she just said, you can go ahead and fuck me. He likes them to say no more. I don't know. That's more of a turn on to him.

You can't fuck me, please. Let me in there. Well, I bet he's probably terrified of not being able to get it up in front of all those people as well. Well, yeah. I bet he's probably terrified of not being able to get it up in front of all those people as well. Well, yeah. I mean, we were kind of trying to figure it out because we're like, okay, there's going to be an erection. Do we just keep- Might not be.

You say there's going to be, but there might not be an erection. If there's not one- You'll be super upset. I will cry. I will be crying so hysterically that he will get one because guys are into that. They're into crying? Yeah. Yeah.

I did an episode with Chris about this one time. I was crying and the guy I was crying to got an erection. And I was like, red flag. You like weak, sad women. Well, there are some people that have a hard time with someone who is not insecure if they're insecure. So if they're insecure and the woman is confident, they panic and then they could get... They could have a problem getting an erection.

But if the woman, like, all of a sudden needs comforting and she's insecure, then they assume this position of power. He gets to be the elf? Oh, yeah. Interesting. So I should be really insecure. I will be anyway. Well, I don't know. Like, what is... Like, I was thinking about this the other day there's two voices that are just absolute bullshit that just don't work but we we know them as

archetypes and one of them is like one of them is like the spooky voice like no one's scared of the spooky voice and no one's and then the sexy girl call 1-800 suck my pussy. You know what I mean? Please guys, don't ever suck on anyone's pussy. Suck it. I like it. Everyone's different. But you know what I'm saying?

It's like, hey boys, what are you doing alone right now? That doesn't work on anybody. I think that's so men can do it. So that men can pretend to be women. I don't know on anybody. I think that's so men can do it. So men can. So that men can pretend to be. I mean, like, I don't know any women who are like, hey. But you know what I mean?

Have you ever seen those commercials? I know. Yeah. Late night, you know, like phone call commercials. I think it's the kind of men who call late night commercials at 2 a.m. are not guys like you. There are guys who probably are more susceptible, who are beta males who need someone even more beta than them.

So maybe that's why they have to be like, call 9-2-1. But it's the naughty girl voice. Do you want to call Ashley Madison? Come on. Yeah, it's like, why are you whispering? Don't you want to be naughty? Well, maybe it's because they know that the wife's in the next room.

You're a bad boy. That's so fucking creepy. You are bad. Yeah. It's so scary. I know. Well, I sound like Fran Drescher. I'm like, hey, just call fucking 999 and suck my pussy already.

Guys, that's not sexy. 999, suck my pussy. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why haven't you called me? There's like other archetypes, right? Like the strip club DJ voice, the top 40 DJ voice. Yeah. Casey Kasem.

The politician voice. That's an archetype. Yeah. Those are archetypes. The politician voice. That's an archetype. Yeah. Right? The annoying wife. Yes. Voice. Sure.

I find myself, and I stopped doing this because I realized I'm exacerbating the problem. I get very triggered and annoyed by stereotypes. Like the stereotype that guys are dumb really annoys me. Most guys are dumb though. I don't think guys are dumb. Guys are- Most people are dumb. You're designed to only- Most people are dumb. You're designed to only...

Most people are dumb. I just mean in terms of, why didn't you remember my friend Audrey's name? You've met her three times. It's like, guys are only really designed to remember things if there's some kind of threat attached to it. And it's just your brains are... Because we're designed to sort of, in a team way,

for me to be hypervigilant and be like, there's a fucking lion. And you go, okay, there's the... You break down everything to some primitive tribe that is worried about an invasion always but don't you think that people find things memorable because they're interesting and they're fascinating yes people things that are totally unthreatening but is audrey interesting or fascinating to you i don't know audrey so maybe she is maybe she's cool as fuck yeah maybe dr audrey phd but i just mean like some benign friend of your girl or whatever um and god i mean and then because it's also that's something that i love about

my a man like if you're fixing something i want you to only be focusing on that guys don't multitask in the same way you know i just think that calling guys dumb it just is glorifying like a neurotic multitasking you know overworked or glorification of busy type that's the new thing guys that are just like simple and you know i just people are so varied though i'm really more hesitant to generalize the older i get yeah i just but i mean men are women are crazy men are stupid that thing is just to me so um general it's just it's generalization that i think is really um uh not helpful yeah crazy men are stupid, that thing is just to me so general. It's generalization that I think is really not helpful at all and annoying.

Well, it makes people comfort. It gives them comfort to sort of classify people. Totally. Like you don't have to like look at it. Oh, what happened with Debbie? She's a crazy bitch. Yeah. You know, it's like it's easy to say she's a crazy bitch instead of say, well, I was raised kind of fucked up and I really don't have intimacy.

I get triggered by women like her and she wasn't heard as a child. Plus I'm insecure and she's a little stronger than I like. I was blessed and it's just I like to be the dominant one. She's smarter than me and it doesn't work out. That's too much work. But wait, why did we get on that topic? There was something. Loads. Oh, the beta males. Loads. Hot loads. We're talking about stout loads.

Coming in hot loads. Stout. No, it's something about the beta males.. We're talking about Coming in hot loads stout. It was something about the beta males. Oh and the archetypes. Yeah. Yeah, they're like don't cuz oh This is it. I found in my stand-up. I'd be like in my boyfriend's like, hey, what are you doing? And I'm like, right I don't sound like that. Right? What am I doing? You know, but it's funny Point taken nevermind. Yeah, like sometimes like sometimes I'll put a girl on my act and I'll be like, oh my god, it's that what you bought? Oh my god. Is that what you think I'm here for? I know that girl exists somewhere.

That is what I sound like drunk, so I'm ready. Hey, it's Whitney. I don't know. I just feel like we're a primal species under attack. I don't know how to walk. I don't. I'm walking wrong. I pick things up with my joints.

You guys, one day I'm going to sneeze and my back's just going to break in half. I saw an extra bone in my forearm. Oh, my God. I'm allergic to that semen. Get it away from me. Ew, disgusting. Get it away from my frozen eggs. Or please freeze them with my eggs. I need sperm.

Yeah, freeze it alongside just in case you can combine it. Is that all you need is cum and eggs? Don't they need to be warm? Ideally, you want to freeze an embryo, which means the sperm fertilize. I say, hey, Joe, can I have some of your sperm? Fertilize my egg, then put it in the freezer, and then put it back in my body. That seems so creepy zombie to me. It's total science fiction.

The embryo gets frozen. Yes. And then you could turn that into life. But it only works. It's a healthy choice dinner. Yeah. Yeah, but it only works. Okay, so an embryo will eventually become a human being. into life. But it only works. It's a healthy choice dinner. Yeah. Yeah, but it only works like if, okay,

so an embryo will eventually become a human being. So that little embryo is already fertilized. It's the egg that's fertilized and you can freeze that, but you can't freeze

a 13-year-old. Nope. You know what I'm saying? No. Like there's a cutoff period. I'm sure we could at some point, just not yet.

I think we could. Yeah. I think it's going to happen. I think it's going to happen. I think these fucking reanimate guys, these assholes that are shooting stem cells in the dumb people's heads, those fuckers, they're going to fix it all. I know. I'm like, I know a lot of alive people who need that.

But yeah, that is, I mean, I imagine it's because it doesn't have a brain and blood. It doesn't have to be warm. Like embryos don't have to be warm. Humans, I guess, have to be at a certain body temperature. I mean, that's like some Austin Powers shit. But even a cell, to me, if it was an individual cell, if the egg had been fertilized and it created

one cell, the idea that you could freeze that fucking cell before it divides and becomes a full-on human being, the idea that you could freeze that one cell and then regenerate it, that's crazy. Honestly, I don't know how people do it. I guess that's why I try to read so much shit because I'm like, I don't understand how I can't even understand what these people are doing and I'm not even doing it. Well, it's so standard today, too.

I mean, which is so really fascinating because if you brought this concept to someone 200 years ago or even 100 years ago, they'd think you're out of your fucking mind. But it's common. It still sounds fucking crazy to me. It does sound crazy. I just had it done and he's like, I'm sucking him out of your fucking ovary. I'm like, okay. Do you remember John and Kate plus eight? Of course.

Yeah. Remember that crazy lady? They shot the fucking, those chemicals inside of her body to make her more fertile. Fertile, yeah. And she gave birth to six kids. Yeah. Yes. Octomom. Yeah. What the fuck? Octomom. Oct birth to six kids yeah yes octomom yeah what the fuck no it's correct you have to have a lot of money i think the only reason i remember that is because i people on twitter say i look like her uh when they're just being mean um i know um

but uh yeah it's i mean it's a it i've never felt like more of a science project. It's like the human body is kind of a miracle. But when he's this sort of intersection between technology and life or like Mother Nature is so weird. It's like he's in there and he's like with a wand. I like how you're doing this. It's like you went this with the soul and now you're going in here. This is what a – yeah. It's not a very sexy or romantic process. It's very clinical and sort of rough.

And he's in and my ovaries are on a high def television. It's just like that for those two things to be in this like intersect is just so weird. And you're just looking at all your follicles. And I was convinced for the first like couple sessions that it was just like a feed. Like everyone saw the same feed. So like there's just no way you can see inside my body. Like, I mean, I just,

like this is just a videotape you put in, everybody comes in, it's the same thing. There's just no way you can see inside. I mean, my body's dark on the inside, obviously.

Like intellectually. I can't fathom it. Yeah. Like it's just too, I'm too obtuse, obviously. And then. Well, everybody is, I think. He's pointing out my follicles. He's like, this one's a different size. i'm too obtuse obviously and then well everybody is i think it seems like my follicles he's like this one's a different size this one i'm like how the

fuck do you know that it looks like a haunted house to me i can't understand anything it looks like paranormal activity i mean it looks like a fucking nightmare and uh and then i go and then i'm sure enough i'm you get like four i looked like i was like four or five months pregnant you know and i'm doing these shots every day and i'm like whoa i was like this is so fucking crazy so it makes your stomach stick out more because i had 18 big swollen eggs whoa you're huge yeah i have a picture of it somewhere um i'll send it to you and i look like five months pregnant and it's just like whoa you know that's usually cause for alarm so to spend money to look like that and then uh yeah and then you go in and they suck them all out now what made you decide to do that versus like one day have a kid i am gonna one day have a kid what he said to me was this he was like look look because i was like i know my next year and a half

two years is gonna be a little bit hectic and i'm probably not gonna get he was like this might not be for your first or second kid it could be for your fourth like when you're 44 and you're like you know i'm gonna have one more or like i'm gonna have a surrogate you know oh jesus yeah it was it's literally just like an insurance adopt uh adopting it depends so adopting is a kind of a nightmare a lot of my friends have been going through it you sign up for it and you're waiting for the baby to be born and the mother might change their mind so the mother mother has, I think, two days to decide whether she wants to keep the baby or not after she gives birth.

And that's, of course, when her brain is bathed in oxytocin after having it. And a lot of couples go down a nine-month journey and don't get a kid. But if you do it from a different country, it's a little different. I have a couple gay friends that hired a surrogate. Is it a surrogate?

What is it? Yeah, surrogate. Even for gay people? Yeah. I guess they use their own cum. I don't know. I think they mix it together. It's just a cooler surrogate. They it a surrogate? What is it? Yeah, surrogate. Even for gay people? Yeah. I guess they use their own cum. I don't know. I think they mix it together. It's just a cooler surrogate.

They both shot it into a turkey baster and mixed it all together. It had to have been one or the other. I don't think... They shook it up. I don't think they knew.

I don't know. I'm guessing. But anyway, they paid this woman for like a year. It's like 150 grand. They paid her for a year and then when the baby was born

she decided to keep it. No! That's their lawyer's fault. There must have been something... she decided to keep it. No! Yes. That's the lawyer's fault. There must have been something. She decided to keep it. I don't think you could force a woman to, you might be able to force her to give the money back, or some of the money back, or you could sue for the money back, but I don't think that you could take the baby away.

That's insane. In California, the mother has, I think, all the rights. Yeah. I think once the baby comes out of her body, she's probably like, listen, that's my fucking baby. How do you. I'm going to make this work. Yeah. I mean, it's really a total chemical bonding thing.

Well, also, there might have been like some severe desperation in her life that made her take this position as being a surrogate mother in the first place. And the money they gave her might have alleviated a lot of the problems that were causing her to be so desperate that she wanted to have a surrogate baby that's very interesting probably it was dark for them it was like really heartbreaking it was heartbreaking but it was also like wow well it's also her fucking baby i mean she grew it in her body like biologically i also have you know friends with surrogates and and you it's very stressful because you want to micromanage what they're eating, if they're sleeping. But something that was helpful that I learned was that

if a baby's not getting the nutrients it needs, it will take it from its mother's bones. So if your surrogate is eating McDonald's, your kid's going to be fine. The carrier is the one that's going to suffer. Little parasites. Yeah. Just sucking calcium out of your bones.

Babies, totally. They suck brain cells from the mother, too. Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, they're fucking vampires. Women get so dumb when they're pregnant. I think they lose like 10% of their... No, they're just tired all the time, I think is what it is, honestly. It's fucking...

All bullshit aside. They're duplicating. I mean, it's like it's a metamorphosis. It's like a fucking... It's a lot of work. What a nightmare. Yeah. It's just crazy that that's taking all their energy well it's the ultimate biological trick the thing that we look forward to the most the thing that sells cars and fucking tv shows long legs and sex and hey buddy and what is it really it's about coming in someone and making

a person in their body yep i mean it's really like this ultimate biological trick of replication. Do you, have you ever heard of this book called, it's a stupid name, but Cupid's Poisoned Arrow? It's about what orgasms do to your brain. No. And the whole sort of theory is to not have an orgasm unless you're going to actually procreate because of the chemicals that are released. It's, it's, I don't know. I don't.

Who wrote that book? What kind of monster wrote that book? What kind of monster wrote that book? What kind of fucking, yeah, sex addicts. First of all, no, that's the best way to clear your mind is to shoot a load. I know, but it's something about- Guys jerk off and your thought process is so much clearer. There's so many times that I've told my friends, like, you know, I don't know what to do, man. She's pressuring me.

Jerk off first, then think about it. Just go jerk off and then tell me after you jerked off if you want to deal with all this emotional bullshit that's being thrown at you. Hold on. Will you? I'll send this to you. I remember reading it. And while I was reading, I was like, yeah, this makes a lot of sense.

I mean, I don't want to live like that, but it makes a lot of sense. Well, it's something about how if you want to stay in love with someone long term, because if you have too many orgasms, you produce dopamine. And then after because essentially we're designed to procreate, like you said. And then the female starts producing oxytocin, but the male starts being less interested. And the brain is like, OK, now you have to go procreate with someone else because our brain doesn't know that there's six billion people on the planet. And we don't need to fucking procreate with a lot of different moms. So it's something about if you want to be in a relationship for a long time.

So it's like a tantric type thing. Kind of. You know what? I'll send it to you. It's basically about, I stopped reading after like four pages because I was like, I'm never going to fucking. It's about keeping oxytocin, the bonding chemical, alive with couples. Oh, that's crazy.

So they're trying to hack couples. Yes, they are. That's ridiculous. How about just find someone that you actually like? That's too easy. It's possible. It's kind of in LA. Is that possible?

Of course. It can be done everywhere. Who do you think I should date? Who do I think you should date? I don't know. We'll find somebody. We need to find you somebody. I'm dating somebody, but.

It's not working out, obviously. I don't know. I'm just curious. That dude's at home going, shit. Who do you think I should date? What's up? We're dating, bitch. No, I'm curious.

Like, I'm just curious. I'm curious. You always have interesting opinions. I think the person I'm dating is a good idea, but I'm just curious. You're a lot. Remember? So I think, and I mean that in the best way possible. remember so i think and i mean that in the best way possible but you're very smart and you're very ambitious and you're you're interested in a lot of different things and you have to have someone

who's similar in some ways is or is that a nightmare another no someone that i honestly believe that in order for someone like you because i think you're an outlier in a lot of ways. I'm a liar, that's for sure. Outlier. No. That outlying aspect of your personality. Because you're, I think, someone has to be an outlier in some way of their own

in order for them to appreciate you. Because otherwise they're just going to think, I can't keep up with this crazy bitch. This is just too much. She doesn't sleep. She gets up in the middle of the night and starts writing books and learn how to walk again. It's like, you know what I mean? I'm like the grandpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory getting out of bed.

Well, there's a lot of benefits to your type of behavior. Obviously, that's why you're so successful. There's a lot of benefits to the way you think. But the negative, the side aspect of it, where I would say it's going to be problematic is someone has to, like for companionship, someone has to be able to keep up with you or understand you or accept you. And the way you think and the way you approach life is extremely different. It's not the way most people do it and not the way most women do it, for sure. And if men are used to this certain type of patterns that some women follow

and then you have this pattern, they're going to be like, I just want to grow complaints about Starbucks. I can go back to that very good. I understand. They run out of soy almond milk or coconut milk camel milk what are we doing goat's milk i think you know when i hate saying stupid shit that people repeat but i think this this repeated thing is when

you're ready you'll find someone yeah that's yeah you're right because i and i think there's like i think a relationship really doesn't work unless you yourself are ready for a relationship too that's a really good point and you have to be someone that someone would want to be in a relationship i say that all the time i'm like how about stop focusing on the other person but i want to date me right once i get in a in a place where I would want to date me or marry me. Yeah. And people think they're going to find someone. A person's going to calm them down.

And then they're going to be someone that's worth dating. Yeah. That's oftentimes. Calm yourself down. Right. Solve your own problems. And then, yeah, totally. So they put on a fucking song and dance for the first couple weeks of the relationship.

Until a buddy of mine had this girl that he was dating for a while and then um his car broke down and he needed her to help him like his tire blew out and uh i forgot the whole story but she helped him in some sort of a way like she came and got him or something like that and then she stayed over the house and then the next day she texted him like five fucking times in a row and he didn't text her back. And then she left this crazy message about now she's going to need therapy and she has trust issues. And so he was like, what the fuck? He was working all day.

He's like, I was working all day. I had one day where I tried to put my phone aside and concentrate on my work and you're just blowing up my fucking phone and I didn't text you back and now you need therapy. of my work and you're just blowing up my fucking phone and i didn't text you back and now you need therapy like there's certain people that you enter into any sort of an intimate relationship with them and you're taking on the burden of all this psychological which is i think exactly why i all this self-aware shit maybe it comes off super masturbatory and like narcissistic but i was like i am done being crazy like it's it's not but but you're still crazy by saying i'm done being crazy like that's well i'm the sign of being crazy but here's the thing i don't it's cute in your 20s it's not cute in your 30s to text a guy

five times in a row that's like i don't want lack of awareness i do not exactly so i want to be able to go oh this is my shit this has nothing to do with him like i have abandonment terror and and like solve my own problems. Abandonment terror. Abandonment terror. It's called abandonment terror. I've never heard that expression before. I had infant maternal disruption, so I have abandonment terror.

You had what? I didn't. Hit the brakes. I feel like we're always in here, and as soon as we start winding down, I throw out some shit like that. Yeah. Like, sperm allergy, infant maternal disruption. Fuck.

You can't walk? Yeah. What's going on with your foot? All right, nice talking to you. I can't walk. I'm going to crawl out of here. Plot twist. allergy and the maternal disruption no when you didn't get enough eye contact as a kid basically you have infant maternal disruption like you weren't able to get the connection so when when you don't get a text back or whatever it starts triggering really old abandonment terror oh wow yeah so that girl that girl is broken like something happened from the ages of one to three that now is manifesting in five text messages you know but you have to get

control your own shit you got to clean up your own yard you got to fix it that's why i'm in 12 step programs i'm in i do emdr i'm in a fuck I'm on all sorts of shit. Cause I'm just like, I'm not going to just be a puppet of this. What happened to me when I was three for the rest of my life. And I'm not going to punish the guys I date for it. It's not your fault. Yeah. But even talking about as punishment.

Well, I don't. So I know that we're not even dating and me talking about it. It's like punishment to me. So in program, we don't go to the problem for the solution. So it's like if the problem is you're not texting me back, I'm not going to go to you and say, hey, text me back. I'm going to go figure out the solution and then take the solution to the relationship.

Yeah. Well, I'm a big believer in the path of least resistance when it comes to relationships. And if someone doesn't want to text you back, you probably shouldn't be hanging out with them. It's pretty simple. So like to like chase after people. I don't chase. I yeah it's an instinct people have it like god why didn't they call me back but a lot of us how come you didn't text me back you fuck a lot of us i guess we're not texting back now yeah a lot of us seek and seek people whose approval we don't have or whose attention we don't have because we didn't get it or well i think text messages and even voicemail messages yeah in a way are weird in that like you send somebody something and then you wait for them

to respond and you hold and you're like all right come on yeah we got here what do we got here yeah send a raven you know you gotta fucking scroll attached it's also worse now because it's like if i text you you don't text me back and then i see that you posted on Instagram. There's this whole new fucking thing, which did happen the other day, Joe. It didn't? No, I'm joking. Definitely not. But I mean, there's this new thing of how I can see all the other things

you're doing on your phone instantly. So I'm now all of a sudden like, well, you fucking responded to these tweets, you know, from fucking Rhonda, but you didn't text me back. It turns into that shit. Fucking Rhonda. Yeah.

So I'm not going to start a beef with her. She's love her very much. Which Rhonda are you talking about? Oh, oh, because you have the Dr. Rhonda and you have Rhonda Rousey. Oh, I was doing Rhonda Rousey. I thought you were just making people's names up. Oh, no, no. I just was trying to think of someone who you might tweet with.

Right. I get it. Or tweet about or something all the above um but uh but yeah so now like i think with all of these other things it makes things it makes it harder to just solely focus on the purity of did he text me back or not it's like he didn't text me back but he did all these other things on his phone this is human beings enter into relationships even friendships like and when i say relationship i don't mean sexual just like any time you're relating to other people it's the person that you're hanging around with they change how you are like you you are who you are you have like this base and then you might be

lighter around certain people or friends totally there's like a chemical reaction that you have to people's personalities i instantly when i see comic, I stop trying to be funny. Really? It's the best thing. Like, I'm not like, don't ever make jokes, but as soon as I'm in a comic, I'm like, I don't have to try to make you laugh. Oh, okay. So you feel like when you're around people that aren't comics, like you're almost obligated

because they know you're funny? Yeah. It's like your thing about, it's just different reactions. Certain people trigger different things and it's like. Is that maybe your own expectations of what you think people want from you? Could be. Or it's like the performance or the show or the costume I put on to avoid intimacy or to having to really connect to somebody. Do you think that like with every day and every hour and every time you obsess and all these things and all these different paths that you go down, like every day gets a little better?

Yes. Every day you get a little better at it. Get a little better at life. Yes. Yes. And if I haven't, I'm like, you know, but, and it depends on also what comes up because it's like, you know, sometimes you're like, I'm fucking nailing it.

And then a trigger comes along that you're like, I didn't even know that was a trigger. That was weird. You know, or like a totally new stimulus dynamic comes along. Instagram is invented. Like I'm nailing it with guys. They don't have to text me back. I feel great. And then they put them like oh shit. Now Instagram was fucking invented

and now I have to see what they're doing. So it's like our environments are changing so fast. It's hard for our sort of emotional and mental progress to keep up with all these new sort of curveballs. Unless you turn your phone black and white and shut that bitch off.

I like how you have a cover on your phone, too. Oh, yeah, dude. I have to put so, like, a chastity belt on my phone. I, like, it's, I have to protect, and when I drive, I have to put it in the back seat because I will text and drive. In the back seat? I put it in the back seat. Whoa.

Because I don't trust myself. Because I literally will just look, I'll just be driving and I'll look down and all of a sudden I'm on my phone. I'm like, what the fuck? This is so dangerous. It's so dangerous. You go unconscious. Yeah. Yeah.

And I rear-ended somebody. And it wasn't email. I literally just looked down at my phone. I was pulling up to a stop sign. And I thought I was stopped. And they say that texting is now worse than drunk driving more people die from texting and driving now than drunk driving and I don't even think it's

is that real? yeah I just think it's not gonna happen to me I don't know what magical fucking addict thinking I'm doing but I literally will just like look down at my phone and I re-entered this guy and I was like I'm so sorry totally my fault and I was like that's gonna be my rock bottom it wasn't bad at all it was like a little ding and I was like hey that needed to happen but don rock bottom. It wasn't bad at all. It was like a little ding. And I was like, hey, that needed to happen.

But don't you think that your ideas of what is going to happen are based on what's already happened and nothing's happened yet? So you assume, well, I'm in the car. I'm driving. Nothing happens when I'm driving. I'm fine. I live in the valley. What am I going to die in a car accident? I mean, that's not the story I wrote for myself.

But no one gives a fuck about that. No one has that script. Everyone isn't running around trying to make sure I stay alive. That's not the story I wrote for myself, but no one gives a fuck about that. No one has that script. Right. Everyone isn't, you know, everyone isn't running around, you know, trying to make sure I stay alive. And that brings it all back to like you going to Vietnam and you experiencing another possibility that like you or I, we're both really lucky that we're born in America. Yeah. We're born white, wealthy people in America. I mean, not born it, but you know. I wasn't born it, yeah. i wasn't born it yeah i wasn't

either but you're we're lucky we're lucky as fuck like this situation this situation wasn't possible literally you live in vietnam i feel like what i i realized it's like you know because when everyone's like i'm this i'm tired like everyone's like this just like people love being sick too love it they fucking love it i don't feel good. I don't feel good. I have a headache. I have this, I have a thyroid thing. Like, they brag about having sicknesses. They're just distractions though,

right? I have Lyme disease or whatever the fuck. Lyme disease is real. If you really have Lyme disease, I'm so sorry. Tim Ferriss, so sorry.

Tim Ferriss has Lyme disease? He had it. Yeah. It was like, I think really bad. Oh. But like, I mean,

everyone's like, I'm tired. I think I have Lyme disease. I'm like, no, people really have Lyme disease or people are like, I'm allergic to gluten. I was like, I think really bad. But like, I mean, everyone's like, I'm tired. I think I have Lyme disease. I'm like, no, people really have Lyme disease. Or people are like, I'm allergic to gluten. I'm like, do you have celiac disease? Or do you just need to be sick because it gets you attention? Like, you know.

And then you go to a place where people are actually sick and actually have problems. And it just really changes your perspective. Did you ever see that Louis C.K. bit about being white? Probably, but it makes me think of the one, because I was thinking, this isn't a bit I do, obviously, but I just remember after being in Vietnam, I was like, we should just walk around all the time and be like, that's awesome, this is so cool.

I love it, this is awesome, look at this. It should just constantly be like, oh my God, there's water in this bottle. Louis has this amazing bit where he's like, you could go back to any time in history and it would be amazing. He's like, that's the thing about being white. He's like, being white is great. He goes, you could go back 200 years ago.

You don't have to worry about being a slave. Yeah. He's like. Well, white people, Irish people didn't have it so good for a while. Well, there's definitely some, I mean, it's a joke. Yeah, I know. I know. But take that, Louie.

What about the Irish people? Found a little debunking your bit. But he also, that thing about everything's amazing and all we do is complain about the flying and people like my flight was 45 minutes late. I went on this hunting trip in Prince of Wales Island, which is in Alaska and it's unbelievably rainy. I mean, we were just drenched for six days and I just thought in my head for some reason that you'd be dry

when you get in the tent. I'd be like, well, once you get in the tent, you'll be dry. But you never really get dry because the air is wet and there's mist everywhere. So everything's wet. Your sleeping bag's soaking wet. The only thing that saves you and keeps you warm is the fact that you're wearing wool because wool retains body heat even when it's wet Your sleeping bag soaking wet. The only thing that saves you and keeps you warm is the fact that you're wearing wool. Oh, yeah. Because wool retains body heat even when it's wet, unlike cotton and a lot of synthetic

fabrics don't do it very well either. But wool is amazing. It's an animal, right? Yes. An animal's hair. Exactly. So when you have wool socks on, even if your feet are wet, you're still warm. No, I didn't know that.

Yeah, wool is the shit. The shit. Tweet that. It is so important for people that are in the outdoors like wool undergarments. Sheep would be dead, probably. I think wolves get them more than the cold. But I mean,

oh, good point. Okay, got it. Sorry. I was like, I thought you meant wolf hair. I was like, wolves have wool? That's their, their hair is wool? Sorry. My point was that so six days in this soaked environment, just every day just being just completely wet. Everything's wet. Everything you do is wet.

Your face is wet. It's like a sheen that you could feel it on you. It's like you're just wet and cold. Yeah. And I came back and it was sunny and it was 80. And I was like, this is amazing. Amazing. And I was driving around in LA and I'm like, I love it here.

Amazing. And I called my friend Steve, same guy, Steve Rinella. And I called him up and I go, dude, I am so fucking happy. I've never been this happy. But it's because I was miserable for those days. Yes, it's so important to have adversity. I appreciate it, yes. I was in Vietnam.

Like I said, they wear masks. I went for a run with this motherfucker who, back to your point about flat feet, he's like the bear-a-thon guy who's like you're supposed to run barefooted. Right. So he's a barefoot run guy. And this is the first non-barefoot run he's done because it was in, you know, Vietnam and there's just like you shouldn't. Glass everywhere. Yeah, it's a nightmare. Syringes.

And just dead animals. It was dysentery. Just babies. By the way, also just kids everywhere. I'm like, do you have a parent? Like, I mean, there's just like three-year-old toddlers just running businesses i mean literally like excuse me like do you work here like you literally will just i'll send you some of the photos you'll see a kid just in a store alone and you're like what is happening it's so fucking dangerous and uh and everyone's in masks

they can't breathe the oxygen there and we went for a run and I came back and I felt like I had smoked four packs of cigarettes. And I came back to LA and even just doing that was like a little mini miracle. Did you ever see that? There's a story that was written about Mark Zuckerberg. He was in China and he went for a run during like one of the worst days, one of the worst pollution days. And he's out there jogging around and you, and you look at the air behind him, it's like you're jogging into an exhaust pipe.

He just doesn't see. I mean, it's hard because you can't see. Maybe he wanted to experience it because just to know. I mean, he's an interesting guy. He's obviously a very thoughtful guy, and I think that maybe he wanted to experience it just to know what those people deal with. I can pay for it.

Whatever happens to me, we can fucking do lungs. I'll just get some fucking stem cells shot in my lungs for the regeneration people. Yeah, totally, and I can reanimate my lungs. But yeah, I mean, and that's – I think that I also – like, once you see that kind of pollution, it's like – you know, because there's so many charities and there's so many fucking problems. You can't try to solve all of them or be, you know, such a small part. But I was like, oh, this is the first time that I was like, I need to like only buy, you know, there's like carbon neutral companies and companies that, you know, put less emissions out and stuff. And you're like, yeah, I should start voting with things I buy. And, you know, it's the first time I got this app that tells you what companies don't emit as much pollution, you know, stuff like that.

And I'm like, I never really thought about that before until I was breathing in like viscous toxic air. Well, it's interesting because just being a human being, just by nature, the nature of our existence, we consume constantly. And we're constantly using things that are detrimental to the environment and people will concentrate on certain things like hey i ride my bike everywhere so my carbon footprint is less yeah but you're still using plastic motherfucker yeah like that shit goes into garbage totally like totally the waste refilling what are those called the landfills they go into landfills they wind up getting into the ocean. All the stuff that we do has an effect. All of it. 100%.

This idea that you're immune because you ride your bike everywhere or because you have an electric car, that one drives me fucking crazy. Because by the way, those electric cars, those fucking minerals that are in those cars. The batteries apparently cause they're not recyclable, right? Not only that, they're conflict minerals.

A lot of the batteries, they're getting the minerals from places that are like, there's a real issue with where they're getting these minerals to make these batteries. That's one of the big things about Afghanistan. One of the big things about Afghanistan, they found trillions of dollars worth of lithium

in the mountains. And they believe it's one of the reasons why we're there in the first place. Really? There's all sorts of natural resources that the Soviets wanted out of Afghanistan, the natural gas pipeline. It's one of the main reasons why they believe

that some of the neocons were very interested in protecting and invading Afghanistan. It's not just the poppy business, which is huge. Look, it's a giant fucking business. And the idea that, well, we wouldn't have anything to do with that because it's not illegal or because it's illegal. Well, that's not true. Because if you look at what happened in Vietnam, Vietnam, a big part of the reason why people

were in Vietnam, why some people supported being in Vietnam is because they were profiting off controlling the heroin trade. That's a fact. supported being in Vietnam is because they were profiting off controlling the heroin trade. That's a fact. There was a fucking trillion dollars made during the Vietnam War from heroin sales. And where it was made and

why and who got the money and where the corruption took place and where the money was being handed out. That's all open to speculation and research and maybe someone will eventually have it all figured out one day. But the reality is there was a massive amount of fucking heroin that was being moved. Whoa, Jesus Christ.

I'm getting crazy. I know. He's so into this heroin thing. But nothing happened. I got lucky. Dude, I also like that your coffee is so made of like coconut oil and butter that it's like white. It barely moves. Your coffee is like, it's like, it's like lava.

Yeah, just knocked over there. It's like lava it's thick it's thick like my stout loads but um my point being that these batteries that they're making these fucking car batteries out of they're it's like afghanistan sits on one trillion dollars in minerals you're telling me that they're not there partially for that or that someone is not looking at that and saying like, hey, maybe we should figure out how to suck those fucking minerals out of the ground and make a trillion dollars. Like, the idea that we're

not is crazy. The idea that that's not a part of the equation is utter, complete nonsense. Craziness. And I think that the amount of minerals that are in these fucking car batteries is something we really need to look at. Because I was reading this whole piece about conflict minerals and how non-green electric cars actually are. If you stop and look at it, like, yeah, as far as like our environment, yes, for sure.

They definitely pollute our environment less. But if we look at the actual repercussions of creating these things, how are these minerals being sourced? How are they making these batteries? What's the adverse effects of creating these batteries? It's not clean and free. So people run around saying,

I drive my electric car and I only eat organic and so I'm free of any impact. No, you're free of guilt. You're free of your own fake guilt. Your own bullshit. Because, yeah. But this is being a fucking human.

Being a human. You're using things we're consuming. Yeah, we should all consume less. Most certainly. But even people who only eat vegetables and grains, goddamn, large-scale grain operations destroy massive amounts of wildlife habitat, displace animals, kill those grain combines are completely indiscriminate. They chew up rodents and fucking deer fawns and ground nesting birds and forget about insects. Don't even get me started on the bees.

Well, bugs. Just bugs alone. I mean, do we have a hierarchy of what we will and won't allow being killed we we have these ideas well well like animals exhibit fear and emotions and react to our environment so we shouldn't kill them but bees or like an insect like a mosquito well that's a different thing because that's life but it's not but there's no animals without bees. It's like bees are the source of everything. But like mosquitoes. Oh, yeah.

Mosquitoes just carry diseases. Or ants. Yeah. Mosquitoes make sure the population stays low. But arguably, like, insects are probably one of the best sources of protein that we could ever get. Yeah, why is that stalled? I don't know. I felt like there was an insect protein movement happening and it just sort of went away.

Well, I think it's a perception issue. Of course. Because I think a lot of people have the idea that eating grasshoppers. When I was in Mexico recently, they served crickets. Like the hotel we were at, they have these like, they look like they're stir-fried crickets. Huh. And they left them in our hotel room. It was like a snack.

It was covered with saran wrap. Nobody ate it but me. Of course, I ate it. I'm a fucking fear factor guy. It was a prank snack. It was covered with saran wrap. Nobody ate it but me. Of course I ate it. I'm a fucking Fear Factor guy. It was a prank. I've seen more people eating bugs. Yeah, you've seen all that shit. But they all ate them like regularly there. They were eating these like... Well, because it's like we'll eat snails.

We'll eat frog legs. It's like there's a very weird line. Very weird. And our line is different than like the Yulin Dog Festival line. Don't. We can't. Yeah, exactly. We can't. Yeah, exactly. We can't talk about that. It's fascinating. But yeah, but when I was in Vietnam, the stuff that it was like jellyfish and squid.

It was a lot of, I guess what's available in that region is probably. 100%. But yeah, there was so much more. Like the idea of eating a jellyfish were like, ugh. To them, they're just sucking jellyfish. I know. Well, bugs to me are really a fascinating thing because one of the things that we found out when we were doing fear factor is that allergies like if you have an allergy to certain shellfish you also have an allergy to roaches

huh yeah so uh we found that out the hardware lawsuit um but bugs are an excellent source of protein and people don't have the same emotional attachment to a bug but we have a visceral negative react like repulsion to them right but if it's eating something but if it's ground up in some sort of a protein powder like cricket protein is real you've ever cricket bar no protein bars they're good oh here we go look at this exo crickets the future of protein. Soy, dairy, grain, and gluten-free, paleo, and environmentally friendly. Yeah.

You eat these. I'll eat the shit out of some crickets. Do they taste like anything? Crickets don't taste bad. It just tastes like soy protein or something? It's not like you're eating lobster, but it's not like you're eating shit. You should do that Cricket bars I mean

It's not like you're eating lobster But I wonder But it's not like you're eating shit Because there's The ultimate debate There's a lot of people That are like Really strict vegetarians

And they're into eating vegan Because they want To leave the least amount Of footprint possible I totally understand all this But I wonder how they feel About crickets I wonder how they feel about crickets.

I wonder how they feel about bugs. I think it's just like a perception issue. Yes. You know? Well, it is and it isn't. You know, I mean. We perceive dogs to be cute and cuddly. Yes. So, you know, we perceive crickets to be like gross and dirty.

Yes. But like. But it's not even that. Cows are gross and dirty. They're still alive. They're still alive. When you're eating. Would you be willing to eat a bug? Like if you're not willing to eat like a deer. Would you be willing to eat a bug?

If you're not willing to eat a deer, would you be willing to eat a bug? A live bug? No, a dead bug. Dead bug. Maybe someone who's vegetarian and they do it for ethical reasons or they have a concern. Here's the thing about bugs. They don't have a lot of meat, so I feel like I'm eating just a little skeleton. You are eating a lot of meat. So I feel like I'm eating just little skeleton. You are eating a lot of skeleton.

I feel like I'm eating a skeleton and not like a meat that I can sort of disassociate from their head. It's far away from their head. But that skeleton, when you grind that shit up, it's actually pretty high in protein. Yeah. No, it's bone.

I mean, yeah. It's good stuff. But there's something just kind of oogly about it. But I also think that we're, sorry to bring this back to the way we're designed, I think that we're designed to squirm at bugs. Because everyone squirms at bugs because I think they carry diseases.

Oh, well, they poison more than diseases. So we've evolved to go like, ugh, to bugs, which has probably saved a lot of our lives. You know that we're not running around eating them since they're... Other than Lyme disease and malaria. Malaria's a giant one, of course. What else do mosquitoes carry?

What other bugs? What other disease do bugs have? Well, a lot of people are allergic to bees, wasps, stuff like that. There's spiders, black widow spiders. Sure, those are poisons. Oh, yeah, sorry. Or like diseases. Lyme disease is a big one.

Malaria is the biggest. Malaria has killed a fuckload of people. I have a buddy who's got malaria right now for the second time. What about like Zika and shit? Not Zika. What was the one before that? Zika. Yeah. Zika? Z-I-K? How do you say it? Do you say Zika or Zika? Whatever it is. I watched, you know, saw it on Fox News. I have a friend

who wouldn't go to Mexico because of it. They were scared. What's the other one that was before that? Not anthrax. It was just Ebola. What was that? Ebola. That's from spit. Is it? From monkeys. Somebody fucked a monkey. That'sx. It was just... Ebola. What was that? That's from spit. Is it? From monkeys. Somebody fucked a monkey.

Someone fucked a... That's right. It's always monkeys. Here's the diseases that come from bugs. Ooh, boy, there's a lot. Yeah. It's not... Chagas. Of course.

Like foot and mouth... Or what's... Look at this one. Chagas disease. And look at the vector. Various assassin bugs. Fever, lung, heart, or mucous membrane symptoms. What the fuck's an assassin bug?

Have you ever heard of an assassin bug? And can I eat one? Well, look at this. Mild symptoms, then chronic heart or brain inflammation. What the fuck? It starts out mild. Assassin bug relative of the ninja bug. Whoa.

Plague, flea. It's subfamily of triatominae. Ticks. Oh, ticks are fucking assholes. Yeah, they're assholes. Ticks do not give a shit. Well, they're the biggest argument for decreasing deer population. Yeah, because they carry-

And also reintroduction of predators in the summer areas. Like some people are talking about bringing in coyotes and wolves into certain areas. Well, there was like Saved Yellowstone, the reintroduction of wolves, right? It didn't really. Oh. That's a very controversial subject. Well, it said it changed the shape of the river, right? Yeah, listen, that guy that said that, that guy who made those amazing videos, the wolves

changed the course of videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy, George Montebiot, I think his name is. I forget how to say his last name. He's fucking crazy. Really? Yeah. Well, in a good way.

This is like when I found out that the Coney guy was like a pedophile. Oh, Coney 2012? Yeah. That crazy guy that was jerking off the street. You're breaking my whole heart here. That guy, he was super depressed and was like suicidal, I guess, and was in his midlife and was wondering what's the purpose of life and got fascinated by the concept of rewilding. So he got fascinated by this reintroduction of predators, keystone predators, into areas like Yellowstone, which they definitely have their purpose. And they're definitely important to the health of the environment.

Because they move where the… They to the health of the environment. Because they move where the— They kill the weaker of the thing. The problem with things like wolves is they can get overpopulated as well, and someone needs to manage them, and that's where things get weird. So wildlife biologists have established these guidelines. And who manages— Wildlife biologists. But for humans, though, who— Nobody.

Killed wolves. Chaos. Chaos. Bugs, maybe. Well, first of all, there was a lot of different animals here. We're talking about like 10,000 years prior. There was all these different kinds of animals like the short-faced bear. Short nose or short-faced bear?

There was an enormous bear. There was a step lion that existed in America like a long time ago that was way bigger than the African lion. There was all these birds and fucking crazy predators, terror birds. So when you go back thousands and thousands of years, even like millions, like when wolves first – and there's a bunch of different kinds of wolves. And some wolves, like the gray wolves, they left and left North America and migrated across the Bering Strait.

And then the red wolves and some of the other wolves stayed. And that's why those wolves, those are the ones that interbreed with coyotes. But coyote is actually a wolf. A coyote is a kind of wolf. A coyote is what's called, they used to call them prairie wolves. There's a guy named Dan Flores who has this amazing paper that he wrote called Bison Ecology and Bison Diplomacy. And really groundbreaking paper on bisons and livestock and wild animals, rather, that live in North America and lived in North America. But he wrote this new book on coyotes, coyotes and just what the plains used to be like.

This George guy, this Montabayat guy, however you say his name is, the wolves change river guys. He wants to reintroduce megafauna to Europe like lions because he's saying that at one point in time lions and hyenas used to live in Europe and that we could use these large segments of unused land and let these animals loose and reintroduce them to this area. He's out of his fucking mind. That sounds like a horrible idea. Well, it's engineering. So he doesn't want to just take an animal that was extirpated because of human intervention. Wolves were taken out of the—wolves were poisoned. This is what they used to do.

They used to take a carcass. They would shoot a buffalo, and while the animal was still barely alive, they would inject strychnine into its arteries. That way, the poison would get through all of the meat. Then they would take a wolf that they shot, and they would rub its scent all over this carcass so that the wolves knew that other wolves had been there. So it was safe. And then they knew it was dead. It was a dead carcass. So they would eat it and they would kill them. And they almost extinguished wolves, almost like came really close to extinguishing wolves

in North America. They couldn't do that with a coyote though. Coyotes are too fucking smart. They're too clever. They're so fucking clever. Well, it's because of wolves. It's because the gray wolves, when they returned to North America, they were killing coyotes. So the red wolves were interbreeding with coyotes, but the gray wolves were killing them.

So the coyotes learned to adapt to the gray wolves. That's amazing. So they learned to move to the furthest areas. They also, when you hear coyotes yell like, hey! Yeah, yeah. They're doing a roll call. They're trying to find who's there. Yes, yes.

And when they find out that someone's missing, it triggers the females to have larger litters. What? Yeah. So I had coyotes. I want to send you this podcast. Fascinating. This podcast with Dan Flores, it's going to blow your fucking mind. I had coyotes burrowing in my yard.

And I have dogs. Yeah, so I had, I mean, I woke up. Burrowing. Yeah, they had dens. They made dens in the back of my yard because I have like land and then I have this part up top that I don't really go up that much. And my dog used to just come back with fucking like half plate. I was like, what is going on up there?

You got attacked by coyotes? I think what she did, I think that she's a, I have two now. One's even bigger, but one's a pit bull. I think what she did was she would chase one and then it would go under the, because you realize they're vampire. They can fly. I mean, they can, they can fly. I mean, they can clear, do you realize if you get a coyote fence in your yard, it has to go

three feet into the ground and seven feet tall. They can jump six feet. I've seen it. Coyotes stole my chicken and I watched him jump over the fence with a chicken in his mouth. Do you realize a coyote stole a baby in, I think, Arizona off of a porch? I mean, they're fucking barbarians. And

my two encounters one time they were drinking out of my pool and I came outside and I literally opened the door and they just looked at me I had to chase them and I saw one jump over my fence it's gotta be 5 or 6 feet tall they just go boing

and I literally said it's a fucking wily coyote and then I was like oh god I gotta call animal control I'm gonna have this fucking dead broken coyote on the other side i go on the other side it's just gone it just flew off yeah and oh they were explaining to me i was like well look if there's a coyote i'm gonna hear them you know killing my dog i'll be able to hear it you know i'll just leave the door but he goes oh no no you understand coyotes work coyotes are so cunning the way that they kill a larger animal is they befriend it first so it'll play with your dog for 45 minutes and then the other five will descend around it.

So it knows I need to ingratiate myself with you first and then kill you. And they tire them out. So this happens a lot in Runyon Canyon. People's dogs, they'll just see them chasing a coyote and then the coyotes will just run and run and run until the dog is tired and then everyone will descend. And they're hungry and they're desperate dog is tired and then everyone will descend. And they're hungry and they're desperate and they're do not give a fuck. A friend of mine up Doheny was walking his dog, like a small dog, and saw a coyote face to face and picked up his dog and had to like flex on it to get it to run away. Started walking again back to his house.

He's like 20 feet from his house. He turned around. The coyote had come back with four other coyotes. Jesus Christ. Like they are just fearless. And they live amongst us. They're everywhere. They're these creepy little fucking monsters that live amongst us. I mean, I have like compassion for them.

If it's between my dog and a coyote, I'll, you know, kill a coyote with my like hands. But it's really sad when you're like, yeah, dude, I'm so sorry. This was your fucking house. But it's not. It's when you're like yeah dude i'm so sorry this was your fucking house but it's not it's never been really no one owns it it's just constant domination the rats didn't own it they're killing rats it's the rat's house the coyotes are killing the rats they're stealing the rat's house trying to convince me that rats are really smart rats are pretty smart but coyotes eat them if we didn't have coyotes we would have way more rats we would have a huge rodent problem all throughout Los Angeles.

I have rats in my pool all the time. There's a balance. There's a balance that has to be achieved. And that's why wolves are really important. Like the people that think that we should re-extrapate wolves and wipe them out, definitely not. But if you look at some of the things that have happened. Do wolves kill coyotes? Yes.

Gray wolves do. Gray wolves. Gray wolves don't interbreed with coyotes, but red wolves do. So gray wolves kill. Gray wolves. Gray wolves don't interbreed with coyotes, but red wolves do. So gray wolves kill coyotes. So where they've reintroduced wolves, that's another interesting thing about Yellowstone. They reintroduced the wolves to Yellowstone. They dropped the coyote population down 50% because the gray wolves were killing the coyotes. But because when you kill coyotes and do the roll call thing, the females have larger litters. They rebounded and now are more coyotes in Yellowstone than were before they reintroduced the wolves. They're so fucking adaptive.

They're amazing. Well, I mean, I also just love that dogs were wolves once and just they just. And coyotes. Yeah, survival. Coyotes can still breed with dogs just like wolves can. Yeah, it's just survival of the friendliest. They realize like, oh, and then so wolves evolved to be dogs and then realized to protect us they could survive and now they protect us against wolves yeah how the fuck did that ever happen too like i i saw neil degrasse tyson did in his cosmos

he did that thing about it that was kind of short but sort of but i mean you're still like god damn it how did it become a poodle yeah how the fuck the fuck did the wolf become a poodle? Why does it have an afro? It was like a genetic mutation that we really latched onto. Well, I think it's also the cutest ones are the ones that survived. Of course. Right? Because they're the ones, yeah, cute, sweet. Yeah.

And the ugly ones are the ones that got weeded out. Yeah. But the balance that this George Montabiot, I think that's how you say his name, his take on wolves churning, like the people love that video because he's English and he's got a beautiful voice. And it's like. And it's a fascinating story. He speeds it up. Yeah. But there's a lot of truth to what he's saying.

Yeah. Like it's important to have keystone predators because they keep the populations of these game animals or, you know, like wild undulates. They keep them healthy. Yeah. Because they control them. keep the populations of these game animals or, you know, like wild undulates. They keep them healthy because they control them. But when wolves get too populated, they get crazy and they do what they call surplus killing. Like they killed 19 elk recently in Wyoming and they didn't eat any of them. They just went on this butchering run and just kill. If they come over the top of a hill and they see a herd of elk. Have you ever seen a herd of elk?'re amazing sometimes they're huge sometimes a herd of elk

would be 100 200 strong and it's amazing you'll come over a hill i've only seen uh maybe 30 of them together but it's quite a sight it's amazing like you're like just fucking in colorado i saw 30 of them together and we were we we came over the top of this hill. And we were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, look at that. And there's this herd of wild 500 to 1,000 pound forest cows that are wandering. Look, there's a good. I saw moose in Jackson Hole. And I was like. That's rare because those are all bulls.

Yeah, I was going to say those. Usually there's females. There's females around. Amongst them. You saw wolves? I saw mos. Yeah, I was going to say those. Usually there's females. There's females around. Amongst them. You saw wolves? I saw moose. Oh, moose. And the guy that was, we were doing a little thing on the, it's called the Snake River.

I don't know, Jackson Hole. It was explaining how moose kill bears. They kick them. It's so fucked up. Yeah. I think he said there was a video somewhere of it. I'm too terrified to look at it. That they wait because they obviously can't fight the thing.

They wait till the bear is running up on them. And they just wait, wait, wait. At the last minute. Just basically knock their head off their bodies. 15% of all wolves that die get killed by moose. That's amazing. Yeah, 15%. That's the mortality rate of wolves.

That's fucking crazy. Yeah, moose don't give a fuck. Fuck. They don't give a fuck. I also didn't realize how big. I mean, they're just like tanks. Yeah. Oh, my God.

And they're fast. Yeah. Oh, they're huge. Yeah. You're just like, what is that? The first time I saw one, we were hunting them in BC and we saw this female. And it was like that scene in Jurassic Park when Jeff Goldblum sees the dinosaur for the first time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were like maybe like 500 or 600 yards away from them. And we opened up the window and looked outside. We went, fuck. Yeah, yeah. They were huge. They were just wandering through this field. And, you know, they're living in a dark, dark place where we found one that had been killed,

a calf that had been killed by wolves. And it had been killed hours earlier. It was fairly fresh. And it was a crazy scene. I put it up on Instagram. And it's such a strange scene because there's this carcass, but there's hair everywhere. Yeah. Like everywhere.

They just tear it apart. In movies, they never show the hair. See if you can find it, Jamie. It's probably a year old. It's an old Instagram picture. But the picture was, when we got there because we saw these crows circling. It was all crows. And they were squawking.

And we walked up on it and we found this thing just devastated. But it's so eerie to think that there's these wild roaming, and the Canadian wolves are just wild as fuck. They've never been extirpated. These are the same wolves that they brought into Yellowstone were actually Canadian wolves. The gray North American, United States gray wolves were actually smaller than the ones they brought from Canada. Because mammals, when mammals come from colder climates, they have larger bodies. That's why moose and, by the way, this is a bear. That's fucking gangster.

Gangster as fuck. There's barbed wire on the fence This thing climbed at 12 foot high They don't know how it did it Climbed a 12 foot high fence Can you imagine being that fucking koala bear? Oh god Just seeing that thing

Like huh? I'm in the zoo I thought I was fucking safe That thing should be in the fucking zoo Like why is that thing out running around? How did that get out? Like so it got out No

Fuck that It didn't get out it got in i mean it lives it's la celebrity even before becoming a lead suspect in koala killing someone just a month or so someone told me it got poisoned no it's pretty recently just does it have a collar on yeah march because they're tracking it right yeah oh yeah it's got a collar yeah yeah they they are tracking it his name is Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's got a collar. Yeah. Yeah, they are tracking it. His name's P-22. Maybe this was a different one. You seem to give him a name like he's a fucking prisoner.

How about give him a name? Who called him Fred? Before I... Oh, God. Don't show it to me. They just got rid of one of their oldest koalas was missing. Oh, stop. You're sad that the mountain lion killed the koala bear?

Koala bears, they're not even from the same fucking continent. Koala bears are a bunch of rapists, though. Yeah, but what a fucking... Can you imagine? This Quall has never seen a fucking mountain lion in its life, probably. Oh, no, definitely not. And it's like, what the fuck? Well, he probably saw that one a few times.

That was like some Game of Thrones shit. Yeah, exactly. But before the fake poisoning of it, maybe I'm conflating it with something else. Well, there's probably other ones that were poison. Have been eating poison or something? There's a lot of them. Because they were saying, stop putting poison out on your lawn because fucking, you know. You're going to kill monsters?

Yeah, you're going to kill these awesome broken murderers. Okay, so a friend of mine was hiking in Griffith Park and her dog came back like covered in like innards of it, like deer innards of it like deer innards like like i mean like literally had like it like entrails like up all like wrapped around its nose and the mountain lion had killed deer and the dog rolled around in it oh okay why does a dog roll around in a dead animal they always do that they'll find a dead squirrel and they're rolling my dogs to get the scent on it i'm not really sure because it actually makes me think it would make another animal want to attack you if you smell like blood and deer innards. I think they know you're not dead.

But I do know my dog. Look at him. I'm just going to pretend like I'm a dead body. It's awesome. It's the same outline. It got poisoned but it didn't die. Oh, man. Okay, so I'm not a total.

A poster cat for California's rat poison problem. Well, you know, there's two options. You poison the rats or you invite more coyotes to live near your house. You know, they say when they eat dogs. It's a real catch-22. It's also in the Dan Flores podcast. He talks about how when they eat dogs, they're not really eating dogs because they want to eat them for like a meal as much as they want to eliminate predators. Like competing predators, especially like cats.

is they want to eliminate predators, like competing predators, especially like cats, because most of what they eat, like coyotes eat a lot of bugs, they eat a lot of grasshoppers, they eat a lot of rats, they eat a lot of rodents,

rabbits, but the cats compete with them, because cats are fucking murderers. I know, but they- I posted this shit about how many cats, did you see that off my Instagram page? This article that I posted about how many fucking birds and mammals cats kill in the U.S. alone every year. Just little cats? House cats.

Yeah. Billions. There's those. Billions in the B. Look at this. Responsible for the deaths of 1.4 to 3.7 billion birds and 6.9 to 20.7 billion mammals every year in the United States. What kind of mammals? Squirrels?

Rodents. Yeah. Squirrels. Whatever. When I was a kid, I had this cat and he killed a squirrel and he was walking. We lived across the street from this park and this cat killed this squirrel and had it in between his, he had it bit, he bit it on its neck and had its body underneath his body. So he's walking with it like this.

Oh, like Weekend at Bernie's? Like dragging it. But he's holding on to it and like. Having to walk around the, oh, Jesus. Yeah, we called it Kitty. Like my cat was named Kitty. Like that was his name. Like we, I had a name for him.

I named him like Conan the Bar name like we i had a name for him i named him like conan the barbarian the comic books had like a lion that he has or they had a jaguar as a pet i forget what his name was i named it that my parents like shut the fuck up so so they could no one in my house so it became his name was kitty but kitty was like this i had a big black cat cats are sociopaths did you ever see when when Tippi Hedren came out because remember she like raised lions and Melanie Griffin grew up with lions and shit in the house? Oh yeah, I heard about that. Google Tippi

Hedren, lions. Yeah, what the fuck? And she recently came out and was like, that was a horrible idea. That was a mistake. That was super dangerous. Like one of them I think cut, uh, Melanie Griffin had to have surgery on it because one of them pawed her. Yeah, so she grew up with these things in her house. That's Melanie Griffin.

Nope, that's Tippi Hedren, her mom. What kind of crazy bitch has a fucking pet lion? No, she had tons of them. Here, keep going and you'll see more and more. So how do they do that and not get killed? These motherfuckers... Well, you have to raise them from infancy. Look at their...

They had a tiger. Well, because they're part of a infancy. Look at their, I mean, they have. They're a tiger. Well, because they're part of a pack or like a pride, I guess it would be. But what if they just decide to play with you or just get mad at you and swap you? At any moment. Look. Look at them pawing on the kid's head. They could. And they did.

So they tried to make a movie out of it. And one of the cameramen got his face like ripped off and they were like, never mind. This is me anxiety just watching this. Look at this, I know, because you know that they're sociopathic. I think if you- Well, they're not sociopathic, they're just natural. Look, they have all of these reward mechanisms that are built into their DNA. They feel good when they chase after things and kill them.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. They need to hunt. That's part of the problem with zoos is that these things, it's it's like extracting a guy's cum you know through a straw yeah yeah yeah like oh i know you need to get rid of your cum so we're gonna take it through your cell but you're still horny does that make sense it's part of the yes it's part of the like hunting and well you gotta i i'm with you i'm actually with you on that this is crazy it's crazy it's fucking crazy and she came out recently and was like nah never mind i really don't endorse doing that. How did she get rid of the lions when they got older?

She still has them. You know what? I was trying to organize going to her because she has like a sanctuary. And she tries to raise money to save lions. I mean, because, you know, now like in Africa, there's more animals in captivity than there are in the wild. Like, it's such a problem. Well, yes, but that captivity, we're talking about high fence operations that are sometimes 100,000 plus acres,

many, many, many square miles. So you look at the actual range that a lion would inhabit, and oftentimes it's much smaller than what we're calling captivity. So I don't say captivity as like a pejorative way. It's like they're not safe. Well, they're fenced in.

See, one of the fucking crazy Catch-22s about Africa is that, do you know Louis Theroux? Oh, yeah. I've listened to him on your show. Did you watch his documentary on African hunting? It's fucking crazy. But many of the animals that people hunt in Africa were very close to extinction just a few decades ago when they put value on them and they set up these hunting camps. Now they're in abundance. They're in higher populations than ever before, but they're in higher populations because people go over there to hunt them.

Yeah. So they have these places where you go and it's kind of fucked up. Like there's a water hole. You sit in front of a water hole. They have a blind. You hide in the blind. Animal comes out. You shoot it. And it's all trapped in a well i mean it is

and it is is it i mean it is and it isn't it's certainly not like that's target practice it's more that than anything else so it's is it is it better to go and get a steak from an animal that lived in captivity or is it better to shoot an animal as it goes to get water? Well, it's not as good as going to the woods. Like, you go into the woods, you go shoot a wild elk. That elk might not even know what a fucking person is. And hopefully doesn't even see you coming and you shoot it and kill it. That's like the ultimate goal is to instantaneously end this wild existence that if you didn't

kill it, it would be killed by bears or wolves or something else. That's the idea. But or they freeze to death or they kill each other. There's a lot of killing each other. These fucking these these antlers. They're not like for digging for fruit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's why they have them handing each other. Yeah. I mean, that's why they have them. I mean, you see this deer. That's why he has it to kill other deer so he can get all the pussy. Yeah. That's literally what it's there for. It's a knife that grows out of other grapes. Yeah. I mean, that's why they have them. I mean, you see this deer? That's why he has it, to kill other deer, so he can get all the pussy. Yeah. And that's literally what it's there for. It's a knife that grows out of your head.

Yeah. So it's not that. But what's crazy is these animals were worth nothing, and they were being slaughtered by poachers. And then you go, well, these poachers, man, that's fucked up. Yes. But they're really fucking poor. They're really poor.

So what do you do about that? Because you have these people that are living over there that they have to risk their lives to try to poach these animals for meat, for food, and then there's the fucking horrible trade, like rhino horns and things along those lines. But it's also, it's like you can't just say, I mean, it's like saying to a drug addict,

stop doing heroin. It's like we have to replace it with something. Either narcotics are anonymous or another drug or something. It's like you can't say stop poaching without like, OK, there's no other way to fucking make money. Exactly. The poverty is insane. I have had friends that have gone over to Africa. And one of the things that they say is you just like my friend Justin Wren, who he goes to the Congo.

He stays there for months at a time and he's building wells over there. He's amazing. He's the guy who just got malaria for the second time. It's like you don't even understand what poverty is until you see how these people live, these poor people. So I don't blame them for poaching. I mean, and if it's between selling a rhino horn and feeding your child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, fuck, man.

And they're not online looking at the statistics about animals. No. Like, they're literally, it's just kill or be killed. They're barely making it. They're barely making it. I mean, I'm 100% against killing rhinos for their horns. Make no mistake about it. I think it's horrible and it's disgusting.

But these people that we're calling poachers, you know, you add that pejorative, you know, you give them that label and you take away what they really are if they could do like they're poor people they're desperate poor people yeah and they're not making that much money the people actually kill the rhino they're not making much money they're making a few hundred hours or whatever the fuck they can get they're selling it to someone else and that other person is making a fuckload of money and it's all gross it's all gross and it's all scary but the louis theroux documentary does the best job of highlighting how fucked it is over there and it's one of the things that the guy who runs the camp says to him because louis like constantly pastoring him badgering him as what is why why why you do

he's like giving him all these questions and finally the guy snaps and he's like giving him all these questions. And finally the guy snaps. And he's like, Africa is fucked. You don't understand. Africa is fucked. He goes, if these fucking animals are not worth something, they'd be gone. Do you understand this? Oh, wow. And it's like this really crazy moment where you realize the problem is not as simple as why do people want to go over there and hunt? The problem is this breakdown of what we call civilization in this area where you have people that are impossibly poor and they're surrounded by animals and the only value around them is those animals. It's so crazy.

It's so crazy. So fucking crazy. So it's either you're involved in the tourism business that has people coming to look at these animals or you just have to fucking kill them. Right. And by the way, the tourism industry is not as fucking profitable as the hunting industry. No, no, no. It's just not. Because if you want to go over there and kill

a lion, it costs you $50,000. And what's really fucked up is these lions now in Zimbabwe where that Cecil the lion was killed, they're killing 200 of them. They're just going to poach them, not poach them, just going to assassinate them because they have too many. And now the lions are destroying all the undulate population. They had a balance that they had created through hunting.

So are lions down there like coyotes or like here? Well, they're fucking lions. I mean, look, they're amazing. Lions are incredible. Look, I saw that thing you posted of the lion. Look at're fucking lions. I mean, look, they're amazing. Lions are incredible. I saw that thing you posted of the lion. Look at my fucking phone. Fucking jumping off that thing. But look at this.

This is my phone. I got a fucking lion on my phone. You have to go to Tippi Hedren's. I'm fascinated by them. I don't think anybody should shoot lions. I don't want to shoot a lion. I don't think it's cool. But they're a car with teeth.

They're terrifying. There was a beautiful article that was written by this woman who lived in Zimbabwe right after the Cecil the Lion thing. And it said, in Zimbabwe, we don't cry for lions. And it was explaining how they terrorized her village, how they killed her loved ones, and how people were, when they would go out into the bush, there would be a very real concern that they would be killed by a lion. And it's not that the lion is bad. It's just that that's what lions fucking do. That's what they fucking do. And you can't have too many of them. You can't. You can't have too many of them. And the only way to control their population is human beings. And so- Well, and it's also, yes.

And that thing back to like, we are not the top of the food chain. We're just not. We're not. Very simple. But we are. But we are. With a weapon, we are. With a caveat. Yeah.

With an asterisk. With a huge caveat. With it, you have to be able to, first of all, know how to shoot a fight. Like me and that machete or fucking samurai sword. I'm not the top of the food chain. I don't know how to fucking use most of the weapons out there. If you had a drunk person who couldn't walk that

good, you'd fuck them up with that. It's all depending on what's the level of the threat. If a lion, since I have no ability to even understand how anxious it would make me to be in a room with a lion, a lion is probably faster than me picking up a gun and shooting it. I'm dead by the time I pick it up.

Well, you would have to, first of all, not just know how to shoot a gun. You would have to have experience shooting a gun under pressure to manage your anxiety. And to shoot it. I went to a shooting range and I was like, gank. Like, I could not even. How's that go? I was like, gank. Like, it was ridiculous.

That's the best sound effect. Gank. It starts with a G. A G. Geek? I was so bad. I was like, shooting guns is really hard. You have to be strong and you have to focus.

Well, it's a skill. You have to learn how to do it. Totally. So it's like most of us don't have that skill. But even that skill, you're shooting at a piece of paper that's not going to move and it's not going to attack you. This is a thing that wants to kill me. Exactly. And it knows how to get around my gun.

But I'm going to go to an intermediate place. Go from the piece of paper that's not going to attack you and try to shoot a wild pig that you're going to eat. It's nerve-wracking. It's like there's what they call trigger panic where where people get on the pit, or target panic, where they're about to shoot, and they can't keep their gun steady. It's even more difficult with bow and arrow. You can't keep it steady. It's insane.

And you don't know. You're like, ah! You just want to get it over with. You just want to shoot it. What was that noise? Ah! That's it. Dunk.

Dunk and ah! The two of us together. We're going to eat my lions but there's this this panic where you just want to get it over with you're so overwhelmed you can't breathe yeah and you just want to pull the trigger in and most people miss like the vast majority of people i'm sure bow hunt miss or rifle hunt miss it's a matter of controlling anxiety. And I'm sure that exists in, in the Navy SEALs. One of their training is, you know,

they put a bag over their head and take it off and disorient them so that they can quickly focus their eyes. Cause when something's moving around, it's just like, it's a muscle to be able to, you know, well, just dealing with adversity,

dealing with anxiety, dealing with the moment is here. Now you've been training, you've been, dealing with the moment is here now. You've been training. You've been preparing. Ready, go. Pressure's on. You see that with fighting all the time.

There's guys that look amazing in the gym and they get to a fight and they can't perform. Well, you can't really simulate that experience, right? There's no way in practice to really simulate it. Even in practice when you go live like you have simulated fights like is that why mayweather would have like an audience and shoot his practices and talk a lot of shit yeah talking shit puts a lot of pressure on you too that's a big thing wow like guys do that bow hunters do that they talk shit to each other while they practice it's a big thing like they'll have competitions and during the competition they're talking shit to each other and the idea of it is you're just trying to disorient a guy and it helps them like guys welcome it because it actually helps them concentrate on blocking everything out because

the moment when you're actually having to shoot an animal so oh yeah your heart is fucking yeah you can't get any air in you freak out so it's nothing like that for someone to talk shit but at least it's better than you being calm. But it's helping give you anxiety, and poker players do that. Oh, do they? Yeah, they fuck with each other and try to throw each other off.

I guess it's probably not the same thing, but it's more to distract them and get in their heads. Pool players, they call it sharking. That's what a real, a shark is not like, people think, oh, he's a pool shark. That's not what it means in the world of pool players. Someone who's really good at pool, you would say someone who hides it, they're a hustler.

Someone who doesn't hide it, they're a player. But what a shark is is actually a dishonorable thing. A shark is someone who fucks with you while you're shooting. Tries to get in your head. Tries to get you to miss. Like they might do things on purpose, like drop their cue as you're shooting. Or they might make a noise to try to distract distract you that's what's called sharking like just to try to psych about is that legal i don't even know i mean you can't control someone's vibes where you agree or

not agree but some people just do it but in tournaments do that sometimes i feel like they'll like right before you go on they they're like, weird crowd. Well, you're talking about Dove David off of Marc Maron. Well, yeah, I mean, Jesus Christ. That's it. Or that, or the worst is when they're like, great crowd. So if you go on and do well, it's not because you were good. It's just the crowd was good. Well, sometimes it's a good warning, though.

Like, D'Elia came offstage at the improv the other night, and he was getting offstage, and I was walking in the room, and he came up, he gave me a hug, and he goes, dude, worst fucking crowd ever. I'm like, really? And I was walking in the room And he came up He gave me a hug And he goes Dude worst fucking crowd ever I'm like really And I was like Maybe for you bitch And I went up there And they were fucking terrible

Like right away That's so weird When crowds are weird It's such a testament To our group think Yeah For a whole crowd To unify as shitty

Well it was really warm In the room first of all Which is always bad Yeah never good Yeah It's like something about hot that makes me like, ugh. What day of the week was it? Wednesday night.

Yeah. Wednesday night's weird, too, because it's late. Yeah, people got to go to work. You've been there for, it's that comedy show. Uh-huh. It's always, it's fucking. I went on at midnight. No.

Yeah. No. Yeah. I don't go, I won't go on past 10 o'clock. I will not go on past 10 o'clock. It's good for you, though. I can't. You clunk?

I cannot do it No No It's just I know what this is Everyone's tired They want to go home They're looking at their check I'm just like They're good

I think those experiences are good in the beginning I know but I did that for 8 years Yeah Yeah I agree with you You know Bar shows Yeah like I paid I mean no

I used to do stand up at Lucky Strike On Highland And I'd have to time my jokes knowing a bowling ball was about to hit some pins. I'd be like, and anyway, so then he called me, and then I never called him back. You had to time your jokes. I did a road gig once at a restaurant in Massachusetts where the intercom that the restaurant used to call people's tables was the same system as the microphone that I used on stage. So I'd be in the middle of talking about something. Johnson party of two. Your table's ready.

Fucking great. It was the only time they ever did comedy there. I was the only one. It was like a one person show too. I just went up there. I was like, this is neat. Do you remember Miyagi's on Sunset? Oh, yeah.

It's a sushi restaurant. It's not there anymore. Oh, you literally do. It's a sushi restaurant. It's not there anymore. You would do. There was like a stage. It's like a pink taco now. Exactly. And there was a stage and then there was a bridge with like a creek. Yes.

There was literally a fucking fountain between you and a bridge and like a koi garden, like a little Chinese garden. And then a bunch of people. And then they always had MTV jams on television. There were televisions on every wall and people were just watching MTV jams. And then you're just yelling. I remember one time Duncan Trussell got on there and we couldn't even, we didn't even know people could hear us. And I was like, I don't think anyone could even, like, did we, are we bombing or can they just hear us? us and I was like I don't think anyone could even I like I did we are we bombing or can they just hear us and then Duncan Charles got on stage and started basically yelling the most offensive

things imaginable and nobody responded and we realized like oh they just can't hear us like he was just like yelling he was like just like yelling and everyone just kept eating what's crazy is Miyagi's is across the street from what used to be Dublin's which was like an amazing I wasn't I didn't ever that was an amazing I remember which was like an amazing room. I wasn't, I didn't ever, I wasn't around for that. I remember that was like the hashtag Dane Cook. It's already 4.30. Yeah, I got it. I missed my thing already. I mean, I just.

You have a thing? I have to get my hair back to brown. Why? Because it's. For your sex scene? It's a real, yeah, exactly. Is that what it is? I don't want to distract anyone.

I don't want to become the sex symbol. I don't need that stress. You don't need that pressure no I have to go back to brunette just because I'm working on something they just don't want it to look blonde fuck them fuck them

I'm not a blonde that's not my brand why did you do it in the first place I did it this is going to sound weirdly narcissistic I for some reason went through a little spurt where I was getting recognized a lot. And I was touring. And I was like, let me just dye my hair and see what happens. And nobody had any idea who I was.

As soon as you went blonde. As soon as I went blonde. That's interesting. I was just completely invisible. So you have a love-hate relationship with being recognized. I don't not like it. It was literally more like. Let's see.

What? Like a lit-see thing? Yeah, it was like a... It doesn't annoy me. It doesn't bother me. I'm super grateful. I see people that come up to me in airports as like my boss.

Like they're the ones that... Don't say that. The fucking guy who sent you the email is going to show up again. That's right. That dynamic. The guy waiting outside the window.

Probably he's going to hear about this. The people who I'm sure... No, I think he's... She remembers me. He's any schumer fan uh for sure he's done he he thinks i sold out years ago when i did a sitcom oh you did yeah so i just i was like sold out i was just stressing out it was causing me anxiety because i never feel like i'm able to give people what they need and i just you know and i was like i don't know i'm going to airports And I was just like, and I was dating somebody and I was getting recognized when we were on dates and it would just like make things weird.

And I was like, why don't I just try this? Like, and I don't, I'm not working on it. Let me just change it up. That's it. And nobody fucking recognizes me. And then I'm like, hey, I mean, excuse me. I don't know if you know me. Like, I'm totally having this.

I know. I'm like, hi guys. I don't know if you do you have HBO Go I just so then it was interesting what happened when nobody recognized me and then I felt invisible

and I was like oh this doesn't feel good either you know it makes you realize when you get accustomed to stuff and I was like god how much attention

do I fucking need it's so embarrassing and on that note on that note clunk clunk I'm gonna go cry in my lithium battery car This was a lot of fun

You're the best I always have the best time with you Always a great time I'm always so flattered when you want me to have me around you It's always a good time Alright fuckers We'll be back tomorrow with UFC bantamweight champion Misha Tate. Gleek.

Holla. See ya.