The Joe Rogan Experience - #8 - Tom Segura

Episode Date: February 10, 2010

This episode is only available as audio. Joe sits down with Tom Segura.

Pass the camera back and forth. Yeah, that's alright. Okay. Oh, there you are. We could go now, but unless you want me to do the audio or that video first, then it's going to take an hour. No, let's just do it. Just fire it up. You got it on your screen?

Yes. It's recording, broadcasting. Ladies fire it up. You got it on your screen? Yes. Recording, broadcasting. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here. Are we here? Let's see if this fucking works. Oh, wait, wait, stop. I see it, man. Yeah, the sound, come on.

I can hear the sound. Yeah, I'm going to put it on this thing. The sound works. What's it on right now? Ladies and gentlemen, we are not a smooth operation. This is my friend Tom Segura. Very funny, talented comedian. We're drinking coffee.

We just ate some disgusting food. I had a big fat Italian sub that's terrible for you. But it tasted good as shit. I ate too fast. I did too. We knew we had to do this. We got lunch and then we came down. You don't want to hear about our fucking food. You ate too fast. I did too. Well, we knew we had to do this, so we got lunch and then we came down.

You don't want to hear about our fucking food. You don't care. Can you turn down your volume? Oh, I'm echoing. Let me turn my volume down. Like I said, we ain't a smooth operation, ladies and gentlemen. Oh. What's going on, freaks?

How the fuck are y'all out there in you stream land tom segura what'd you do this weekend what did i do uh tom segura hilarious stand-up comedian if you haven't seen him before tom and i met when when i was first doing the maxim tour with charlie murphy and john heffron we did this tour and everywhere we had a different guy open up for us. And, you know, most of them were guys that were just starting out or guys that hadn't been doing it that long. It was like a cool little thing for them to get up and do some stand up. Or it was like the local funny guy. There's like in a couple of towns like Chicago, there was like some local guys that went up that were really funny. A couple of places.

But Tom was the funniest at all of them. He was the funniest. When we were in Phoenix and he went up, he's fucking hilarious. I was like, God damn, this dude's really funny. Like, this is some funny shit. It was like, it was mean-spirited, but smart and very good stuff, man. And so we've been pals. Thanks, man.

Ever since. Tom Segura, very talented comedian. It's just, you know, for comedians, there's a lot of comedians that are really funny, but you don't know who they are. And it's a weird thing. It's like, to be really good as a comedian is almost like, sometimes it's like the exact opposite mindset to be good at promoting yourself. You know, don't you think? Yeah, man. The two extremes exist, right?

Yeah. There's some guys, I don't know, I just, I don't, I feel like, I feel like you're supposed to be not just focusing on your stand-up, but on how to be

a great marketing guy. Yeah. And that's just hard to do. It's hard to do. It's not my mindset. You know, and there's guys that are, like,

Dan Cook's the master at it, for sure. Yeah. But there's guys that are pretty goddamn good at it, you know, that really, really are good about

promoting themselves. And some of them have a great five minutes. Yeah. But goddamn they can fill up places. It's an art in and of itself.

It really is. It's definitely something to be respected. I'm always amazed when I find out certain guys are selling 10,000 seat places

and you're like whoa really? Holy shit how do they do that? That's incredible. 10,000 seat places. And you're like, whoa, really? Holy shit, how do you do that? That's incredible. 10,000 people come to see you? But can that be a result of doing great promoting, you think? Well, yeah. It's definitely a result of great.

You have to have something. There has to be a product, and there has to be great promoting. But I think the very same mindset that makes you like the really the really good comics like guys like david tell they're not the best at promoting themselves you know like these are louis ck i mean louis ck is a great professional comic a great writer but like he just deleted his myspace and deleted his facebook and didn't want to deal with anymore so he still he'll still use twitter just because he felt like it was too much. It's almost like to be great creatively, it's almost like you can't really, you know, it's almost like they don't work together.

You have to relearn it. As a comic, I think you have to accept that this is a part of the job. You can't think of it like something you do or you don't do. It's no big deal. You have to think of it as this is an integral part of the job. I mean, you can't think of it at like, you know, like something you don't, you know, you do or you don't do, it's no big deal. You have to think of it as this is like an integral part of your job.

Yeah, and it's hard, but the thing is like, it's hard to picture like Richard Pryor being like, you gotta come to my show tonight.

Yeah, I know. Tell your friends to fucking come. You know, you don't picture him, like you just know, like you,

when you get into comedy, you don't like think, oh, and then I'll recruit people to come to the show. You just go, I'll just know, like, when you get into comedy, you don't, like, think, oh, and then I'll recruit people to come to the show. You just go, I'll just work, I'll just try to do this well. And I'll never, actually never even encourage you to think about it. Because before you know, you think that every, like, club manager is just like, what I do is I make people come here. Right, right, right.

Like, you have, you're part of the equation, too. people come here right right right like you have you're part of the equation too and it's it's a weird thing because now like with the internet like you have more access to people than ever before but it seems like less and less comedians are like popping up than ever before too it's kind of weird you know you would think that with like you know the internet like there would be more new comics that you hear about like how often you hear about some guy that someone tells you about that's really funny. And you go to see his clips and they're really funny. It's not that often, right?

Think about how many good movies come out a year. Or think about how many TV shows you're excited about. And then think about how many comics that you see. It's such a weird path. It's like no one ever no one who's smarter and more balanced than a comedian ever stepped back and looked at the whole process

and said, listen, you know, this is how it should all be done. This is how you should go from, you know, doing open mic nights to being a professional to, you know, to plotting out your career. No one ever does that. No one does, but this is you're making me think of something I have to ask you.

Do you think that there's, I'm thinking about who's regarded as great and how there's not really, you don't hear about that many new things coming up as far as comics go. Do you think there is an age that somebody, you have to be

to really be considered super funny? I'm saying in stand-up, is there a cut-off age? Because really, great comics don't exist under a certain age, don't you think? I would never say absolutely. Because I think that if there can be prodigies in music, and there can be people that are born with the right neuro frequency to make them like mathematical geniuses when they're children and chess geniuses i think all that shit is that's possible that someone could be like that

with comedy too there could be some smart ass kid who's like 18 years old is funnier than everybody else and just really smart yeah just a genius a genius. You listen. Memory and things, though, too. Like, just having, you know, such a huge memory. Yes. There's a certain amount of it, most certainly,

a certain amount of what comedy is, is the more experiences you have, the more information you can draw from. And so when you're older, your comedy makes more sense.

It's more complex because you're more complex. You've looked at the puzzle a little bit longer than the young kids. But some of the best comedy is not like that. Some of the best comedy is silly. Look at Brian Regan's comedy.

That's some silly shit, man, but it's hilarious. Brian Regan is one of the only dudes that figured out a way to be hilarious for everybody. He's hilarious. If you don't think that guy's funny, like, you're being, you know, you're not in a good mood. You know? Like, he's saying a bunch of fucking silly shit. And it's, like, really well delivered. But you could take your grandmother to go see Brian Regan.

Totally. You know? And a kid. You could take a kid. It's amazing. He figured something out. Well, it's just him, though. You know what I'm saying?

Like, that's who he is. And if you're some kid, just some super genius 20-year-old kid, who's to say that you can't be hilarious? Who's to say you can't be, like, a real, you know, headliner that I would pay for? I mean, I look back and, like, when I was 21 doing stand-up, I would like to go back to all those people and give them their money back. You know? I would like to go up to, I am so sorry you had to sit through all that shit. You know? I would love to go back to people that saw me when I was like 22 and apologize.

I'm so sorry, but you helped me so much. I know it was atrocious to get through. They're paying for you to go through college kind of. Exactly. If you're a paid comedian and you really have only been doing it for like two years and you're 22 years old, God damn your material is going to be dog shit. know i mean i had some stuff actually by the second year i had some stuff that was pretty good it's like good blowjob jokes and stuff like that yeah ones that i could still throw out today if i'm in a hole at 135 in the morning you know i need a bit to

settle into what we're talking about. It's possible though, right? Don't you think some young kid could be amazing? I choked. Fucked up, bro. You fucked up. Yeah, I guess it's possible. How often do you find yourself stopping to watch a 25-year-old say something?

If it is a 25-year-old old it's a black one you know if someone tells me there's some white kid that's in here i'm like how old is he 25 has he done heroin right no see that's what i'm saying i want to see something that's not interesting like till a certain point yeah you got to tell me what happened to him was he was he kidnapped molested did he he graduate Harvard early? Yes? Yes to all these? Okay. All right. Let's see what you have to say.

Do you remember how much of your early stuff you thought was good, though? Yes. At any moment when you hit 20 minutes, you're like, I've got a great 20 minutes. There was a point in time where I was way ahead of myself. I thought I was much better than I was. And there's also a point when you realize that a lot of what you're doing, especially with me, I realized a lot of what I was doing was just doing tricks. I had not relaxed enough to let out my own sense of humor. All I was doing was like trying to

calculate how to trick them into laughing. You know, I hadn't really figured out what was funny. I was just, I was coming from a real weird place. I was coming from a place of, what's my? Sound just went off or something. We up? Yep. Did you tweet it as me too? Yeah. What is it? Did you put it on Twitter? It's on your Twitter. Ray Van Daft Studio. Okay, so we're on right now? Yeah, on Ray Van Daft Studio. Where the hell is it? I don't get Ladies and gentlemen, obviously the New World Order does not want us talking about stand-up comedy. It's a very dangerous subject, and the information that we have leaked in this broadcast, this confidential information, may be bad for America.

We're back. I don't know what the fuck happened. We got forced off. Got forced off the air, yo. Because we're giving out secret information about the government. The government came through. They called while we were off. Tommy, what's your take on conspiracies? Any crazy conspiracies that you believe in?

Is there anything that you believe in that people go, what the fuck is wrong with you, Tommy? Yeah, I'll be like, money makes you happy. Wow. What a bunch of bullshit that is. That's hilarious. I'm not rich, and I'm fucking the happiest guy you'll ever meet in your life. He's a very happy guy. Yeah, but I think, you know, George Carlin did an

interview where he was talking about the key to happiness is find something that you love to do, do it well, and have people recognize you for it, you know, and it was a pretty interesting interview because it was dead on the money you know i mean that's that is really like the key to happiness like even if you even if you're making really good money doing something you don't like to do it's not fun you know i mean even if you're making great money like as a stockbroker or banker that shit eats away at your fucking soul nobody wants to be doing that. You can never be thrilled

to do that. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's like, there, I mean, there are serial killers that really enjoy

doing that, you know? Well, supposedly, right? Yeah, so. But who knows what the fuck that is. But, you know, it's like,

to really be happy, you know, the real problem is, not everyone can fucking do what they want to do. We'd have a whole world full of Air Force fighter jet pilots, martial arts fighters, comedians, and, you know, and billionaires. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.

There's going to have to be regular folks, too. There's going to have to be people that abandon those ideas or families more important to them. Or some aren't capable either. Yeah, that too. But that's the thing that people don't want to look at as if there's real inherent potential in people. Everyone wants to think that everybody's equal. But that's not true.

I'm very dumb when it comes to math. My brain, I never paid attention in high school. And when people start talking math, I have a block. my brain just glosses over. The exact same way. Yeah you know I think part of it's even self-imposed right like yeah we're not as bad at math as we think we are but because the whole everything that we think of with math is scary we just you actually try less in math because you you're already scared of it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yes.

I failed every level of math. Yeah, me too. And you know what the funny thing is? Almost everybody I know that's a really good comic has the same problem. Bad at math, really? Yeah. I don't know any comics that are like math geniuses. It's like a different mindset, you know?

Yeah. Yeah, I think it is. That's just guessing, though. You know? Because I had a friend, my friend Johnny B, who was a pool player. That guy easily could have been a stand-up comedian.

He just, nobody talked to him. You know, there's a bunch of guys that I've met in my life that could have really easily, Eddie Bravo, Eddie Bravo could have easily been a stand-up comedian. There's a bunch of dudes

that are just real good storytellers. They just know how to make everybody laugh. And all they were missing was someone talking them into going on stage. Yeah. There's so many guys like that. But that guy was a mathematical genius. And he was a pool player, like a professional hustler. And he was so good at math, you could like just yell numbers at him. Like yell 392 minus 5 divided by 4 times 100. He would go 226. He would just have the number. That really freaks me out. It was crazy. He could do it. He could do

with everything. We would sit there with a calculator and we would fuck with him. And he was I mean, that's one of the reasons why he's so good at pool. He was amazing at judging angles. He could see it geometrically. He would see a pool table, he would see the paths.

And that's another mathematical thing. Are a lot of good pool players good mathematicians? There's a bunch of guys who are. Mathematicians or whatever? Yeah, guys who have a real natural talent for it. As good as I ever played pool, when I was playing pool like 8-10 hours a day, I was always never near as good as really good guys.

And my friend Johnny was as good as... When he was on, he could play as good as anybody I've ever seen. Really? Yeah. It's a talent. A certain amount of it is hard work and dedication. But every now and then, whether it's in music or in sports, every now and then,'s hard work comes along

and runs into a talent, you know, and you see someone who's got something, just some natural, incredible gift, and on top of that, they work hard with it. You know, that's like the type of shit you feel. That's the real amazing thing. Yeah. If somebody is that talented,

then they're still working really hard. Yeah, like fighters, like BJ Penn is a perfect example of that. Here's a guy who's super hyper talented but his big problem was he never really trained like the most obsessed guys do

I mean he trained hard no doubt about it but there's a certain level of fitness these fucking crazy monsters these George St. Pierre these savages

they're on this insanely high level of fitness and you know and finally BJ is training just like those guys are now. So now it's incredible. And you see a guy with talent

and on top of the talent, now you have dedication and hard work too. It's amazing too if you look at like, of all sports, I know there's at least a couple guys in every sport that some of them were known for not working hard. But they were so talented.

Someone, I think, told me one time that, like, Pete Sampras. I mean, everybody knows Pete Sampras. Like, apparently, I think it's him. If it's not Pete, I'm sorry. But I think it's Pete. I love Pete, man. That, like they said, didn't really train. And the guy had, like, every Grand Slam title.

That's incredible. He was basically unbeatable for a stretch of years. He married a chick that I did a pilot for a TV show with. God, I wish I could remember her name. She was super cool. She was in that Adam Sandler movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forget her name.

Bridget Wilson? I think that's right. Is that? No. No? Remember her name? I can't remember her name. She was very nice, though.

Yeah. That guy was a super task player, and he didn't train. I think they said that guy was a super tennis player and he didn't train I think they said that like it's not that he didn't train it's just like not a hard work isn't it funny

like that black women have made it to tennis with the Williams sisters when are we gonna see like yoked up running back looking tennis players you know

dudes like Herschel Walker type tennis players who just just fuck that ball up you know what I mean like those guys are coming. I mean, all they have to do

is, like, get into tennis and all these white guys are fucked, you know? I mean, that's just, that's just how it's going to go down. If any, if ever there's, like, a path for inner city school kids

to get good at tennis, oh, the only reason tennis is a rich person's sport, man. Who the fuck is playing tennis? Where's the tennis court? Right. You know, if you go to a tennis court in a bad neighborhood, that's where people fight. You know what I mean?

It's not, you know? You get black kids really into tennis? Holy shit. It's over. It's over. It's a wrap. It's a wrap. It's total.

What, are you going to move faster than them? I wonder why that hasn't happened for real, though. You know? What? I wonder why that hasn't happened for real, though. I don't know. You know, it's funny that somehow or another that's perceived as being racist. That when you talk about black athletes, like that black athletes are some of the best in all sports.

There's great white athletes. There's great, like, Georges St-Pierre and, you know, Brock Lesnar. There's freak athletes that are white, too. But, man, there's a lot of great black ones. Holy shit. Bobby Buckeye says when Venus and Serena have kids. God damn. Venus and Serena.

You know, what kind of... Can you imagine if Venus and Serena have kids. God damn. Venus and Serena, what kind of... Imagine if Venus and Serena had kids with Bobby Lashley. You know who Bobby Lashley is? He's this super yoked up wrestler dude who is fighting mixed martial arts now. He looks like one of those little He-Man

action figures. Doesn't even look like a real human. He's just fucking super yoked. Smashing dudes. Just picking them up, slamming them on their backs. He's a super powerful wrestler. action figures doesn't even look like a real human he's just fucking super yoked smashing dudes just picking them up slamming them on their backs he's a super powerful wrestler

him and Serena Williams oh my god I think it's even crazier when people say that blacks aren't great athletes that would be

that's much more absurd I had a little Twitter conversation back and forth with this dude last night he said that

me and Goldberg always refer to black people as explosive and athletic when they're describing a black fighter

and that could be perceived as racist because you're not counting into the fact that they're very technical as well

that's bullshit we always count into effect whether a guy's technical when you look at a guy like Phil Davis, this wrestler who just fought in the last UFC,

he wasn't just explosive and athletic. He's like a high-level wrestler. You know, his technique was outstanding. And the way he took these guys down was, like, almost effortless. You know, I mean, he's so good at wrestling. And the guy who fought, this guy Brian Stan, you know, had good takedown defense. But this dude is so all-around so good.

How could you not say he's explosive in that flick? That's ridiculous. That is exactly what he is. It's not that he's not technical too, but come on, man. That guy has some freak gifts. His legs are like fucking 10 feet long. They look like almost like an antelope's legs.

You know what I'm saying? When he was out there standing in front of the dude, he looks like he could jump over him. He looks so powerful. And Brock Lesnar is another one. That's a perfect example of a white guy. How can you not say that guy is athletic? How can you not say he's explosive?

And he's white, and he's just a fucking giant Viking dude. He's got Viking genetics or some shit in him. You know what I'm saying? He's an animal. Fuck yeah. I mean, that's just, that's just real, like, that's like the most savage that America's capable of producing. That's a pure American power genetic right there, you know what I'm saying? Like, you get, like, a lot of, like, especially, like, with slavery in America. I mean, so many, I mean, it's like something that you're not supposed to talk

about for whatever reason, but it's a known fact that slaves would breed the biggest males or the biggest females. And I mean, how many African Americans in this country come from slavery? Like, God damn, it's, it's, it's a real, it's a real obvious thing. That's the reason why there's so many really powerful, strong ones. It's almost like genetic engineering. It's absurd to not recognize that there are more explosive, athletic muscular... But that's a good thing. But how could that possibly be negative?

In some ways, people are saying you're making excuses for them. You're saying they're better than people because of that, and it's not because of technique. But that's just you. You're putting that in your own head. I would never say that. There are guys that are explosive that aren't that technical. But, you know, that's just because that's how they are.

And there's guys that are. You know, it's like you've got to be honest about when it comes to sports and anything like everyone's so touchy-feely with this whole black-white issue. You know, we're all human beings, folks. But it's very obvious that Chinese guys don't have bigger dicks than black guys. I mean, everybody fucking knows it. You couldn't argue it in court. You know? If you pulled out all the black dicks and all the Chinese dicks, it would

be a simple, I would bet every fucking dollar I have that the black guys would win. Right? The Chinese dicks would be crying. Every now and then you think you got a big dick until you tune into you porn, and there's some dude and i'm not talking fake rubber dicks brian i know what you're thinking i'm talking real dicks there's dudes with

real dicks that look like fucking arms like mandingo yeah they're real dicks they aren't holding on to it it's not strapped on their balls are shaved this is his real giant dick and he's fucking the shit out of this poor little white runaway. And this girl with a bad tattoo on her ass. That's intimidating, bro. Man, Dingo's dick actually looks like a weapon that he could use in a fight. To get you to give him money. That guy's dick really looks like... It looks like a fist.

Have you seen Lexington Steel? Oh, yeah. This is a yoked up black dude. He's got a dick like 14 inches long. I just did a song, man. We're talking reality here, people. Did you see what's taken over Twitter?

The new thing? No, I was just about to talk about John Holmes' dick, though. This is very important. The last white guy with a big dick was John Holmes,

known for his big dick. Who else has been known for a big giant? Not like... Pretty much. Yeah, not the same. He's got a big dick, but it's not ridiculous.

John Holmes was a monster. It was a snake. But the dude could never get fully hard. Right. It was always like... He was all jacked up on whatever the fuck

he was doing at the time. Did you ever see that movie where Val Kilmer played him? Pretty interesting movie. Yeah. The guy was a mess. But it was never like a... Never like a weapon,

you know? Yeah, no, no. These things... Look, black guys, you can run faster and jump higher and you have bigger, scarier dicks. That's a fact. never like a weapon you know yeah no no these things look black eyes you can run faster and jump higher and you have bigger scarier dicks

that's a fact I mean it's to say to act like it's not true and those dicks are terrifying it's a stereotype stereotype

yeah you shouldn't you shouldn't support those stereotypes because there's a lot of black eyes out there with little dicks and they don't want to

get along with their woman and pull it out and have all these high expectations it's not the color like if it was a the same black guy would be white would it just be that creepy river dick it wouldn't even be big it would just be like creepy river dick creepy river what is it what the fuck are you talking what is that i don't never heard he got too high i'm gonna have to shut his camera off there's a settings here did you see the new thing though that's taking over twitter no the google buzz have you become a tester of that yet no what is that it's uh pretty much google's taking twitter and embedding it into gmail jesus fucking christ

they're savages yeah i just started it oh my god it never ends it's going to take over twitter god damn it i was hoping that twitter would be it i would hope i would hope we could stop but you know what here's the thing man google's taking over the universe they're they're they're gonna be internet service providers now google's gonna install their own pipes in neighborhoods these gigantic fucking one gigabyte pipes these fiber optics that like get you you can download porn on the moon and like you know fractions of a second you know second. They're doing some nutty shit, man. They own everything, man. Google Maps, Google Voicemail, Google Mail, Google everything. They're taking over. It's crazy.

Actually, the takeover has begun. Could you imagine if we find out one day that what Google was, was everybody was saying, well, if there is artificial intelligence, when artificial intelligence eventually manifests itself, will it even let itself be known? Or will people just go about their lives not knowing that artificial intelligence is alive and conscious? And while artificial intelligence is trying to plot what to do and how to take over the situation. Well, if computers were intelligent, wouldn't they start up a company that would just buy up everything and own you? Wouldn't they start up a company that would just buy up everything and own you?

Have your accounts where you can do Google purchases, where you buy things with a Google account, and you've got Google Mail, Google Maps, which shows where you fucking live. You've got Google everything. And your Google voicemail, it's documenting everything that you say. It's making little transcriptions of every voicemail that gets left on you. Well, you hear that Google is going to try to do their maps, but inside of buildings. That's their next thing.

Jesus Christ! So if you're like, I want to know where that pot store is. Oh, there it is. I want to see what it looks like inside. Oh, that's crazy. And you just walk through the store. And they just announced a couple of days ago that they have all these ski things. So now you can go down ski mountains on Google Maps. It's already on Google Maps right now. Can you imagine if Google was really artificial intelligence

just slowly consuming society? Oh, yeah. The president was a robot. Well, the people at the very top, no one's met the boss, you know what I'm saying? The boss is fucking, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. It's a fucking computer, man.

Could you imagine? It's just the bad guy from Inspector Gadget with a cat. How does it work? What would you think would happen? If there was a moment where artificial intelligence became independent, they were able to operate and sustain themselves without any human action. They had a system set up of checks and balances where they could always make sure that they would stay awake, they would always

make sure the power was on, they had robots that they were controlling that could manipulate everything and do what they wanted them to do. At that point in time, when do we find out? Because that's gonna happen, right? It's probably already happening. It's gonna happen. If it hasn't happened, with Moore's Law and with the exponential increase and accelerating increase in complexity when it comes to technology, it's not going to stop right here. It's going to keep going.

It's going to keep going in the same direction it's going right now. Will we be enslaved at that point, though? Oh, dude, don't do that to my cat. She freaks out when people do weird shit with her. They hold her in front of things and she'll go pee somewhere. Right, right. You can't do that, man. She loves attention, but if you fuck with her, she'll shit in your bag. She loves me. Do you think though that we'll all be Google slaves though? I'm wondering a little, man. Google's going to take over the goddamn universe. Yeah, Skynet.

Hell, do you use, by the way, have you used the other search engines? Google is Skynet. Why don't they just change it? I've been actually trying to use Bing. Is it good?

It's alright. It's better than Yahoo. I mean, who uses that anymore? Yeah, what happened? How did Google just become such uber cyber pimps? Because they had the basic color graphic

and that's all it was. Remember when you first went to Google? Yeah, but that's not why they're so successful why are they so successful in hitting like all these major markets like they made a brand name and then once once they made that brand name all the other versions of what they do were diminished significantly like i don't know what the numbers are it's like yahoo searches to google searches but everybody i talk to when you have a question you go Google that shit.

Why is the sky red on certain nights when the sun sets? Just Google that shit. What is that? Oh, well, that's the moisture in the air combined with the fucking rotation of the earth, and you're only getting the corona, blah, blah, blah. That's fascinating shit, man. We didn't have that when we were kids. We were just stupid.

This is a fantastic time to be alive. Oh, it's great that We didn't have that when we were kids. We were just stupid. This is a fantastic time to be alive. Oh, it's great that you didn't ask any questions. Right until Google fucks us in the ass. Right until Google shuts the whole system down and takes over. I just really want the next big thing to be everything you see is recorded type thing. What? Why would you want that, Brian?

You're a freak, goddammit. Because there's just so many times where I'm just like, like I walked out the other night and I saw a shooting star and it was the biggest shooting star I ever saw. And I'm just like, fuck, I wish I saw that. Like just show that to somebody else. Right. But then you would rewind it and it would get to the part

where you were beaten off earlier that day. Right. I'm sorry I went too far. And you had two fingers up your butthole and you're making scissor motions with your fingers and you're beating it. I'm forced to see that too. Do you think it's going to be something like where you're going to put these contact lenses in that are like a computer or something that goes over your eyes?

There's going to be some sort of a neural interface. There's going to be something that connects people's minds and the whole system of recording and consciousness in your mind and connects that directly to a computer. That's what's going to happen. It's going to be – you're going to have a way to access other databases. And this is what I think it's probably going to be. It's probably going to be they're going to come up with an artificial brain. They're going to reproduce the human brain. And I mean, once they get to the point where they can do that, once they get to the point

where they can literally create or recreate a human mind and have all its functions mapped out and do it correctly. Like, that seems like nonsense, but that shit's just a matter of time. They're going to be able to do that eventually. And when they do, god damn. Do you think we'll have finally something, though, that we've always wanted, like flying cars by then? It'll be crazier than that. It'll be when they have an artificial

brain and they know exactly how the brain works they know exactly how to interface with your brain they i mean it might be possible to interface with your brain with a frequency that you could transmit through the air will people have to do anything at that point it might be like wi-fi man and what you might not have to do anything like biologically to your brain what i'm saying is they might figure out a way to tap into the very fucking frequency that your brain operates under. You got mad ants

everywhere. It sounds like, what's because of you, you dirty bitch? They hate you. They're coming to kick your ass. I do have ants.

I got an ant problem. They're like all over this carpet. Yeah, well nobody gives a fuck about that out there in Ustream land, bro. That's not fascinating.

I was going to talk about ants for a while. So, you know, what is going to happen? That's the big question. What the fuck is it going to be? What is going to be this big change that takes us from where we are today? I think it's going to be something like that.

I think the next big jump is going to be something where we can directly access information. You know? Like, you know, like, you know, they make, maybe they can even try it in a town, you know, and one town will volunteer for it, and the whole fucking town becomes telepathic, you know, like, they have this frequency, they can broadcast it, like, like a wi-fi type signal, and the wi-Fi type signal is hooked to some sort of some sort of a machine or something that can can take brain waves and connect them and and what's the word I'm looking for translate them into binary code into ones and zeros into the information from the internet and then it can transmit it

right back into brain waves so you can access things without doing anything without having any chips in your brain without having any wires if they could get to the point where they could figure out how to transmit something that your brain could automatically and instantly produce i think google goggles is a pretty good step to being able to take a picture of anything and it's like Google search for photos. You could just walk around and be like, what's this bird? It brings you up everything about that bird. I think that's going to be good too.

You have to have competing companies doing all that shit though, right? It can't be that we all get it from one source. That's a problem. Google has a good reputation though, right? I don't know. I think it's a really aggressive company. Yeah, well, obviously.

Shit, they're taking over the goddamn world. Yeah, exactly. I used to really like Google, but now I'm getting kind of freaked out by them lately. Really? It's just about the information that they have. They're growing in power. You know?

Dun, dun, dun. I mean, we're pretty much trusting a website with a lot of information. A lot of that. Almost everything. Yeah. Yeah. They have my credit card.

They know where you live, bro. They got a map of your fucking house. It's really weird, right? I have a phone in my pocket that has me GPS everywhere I am in the whole entire world. Maybe Google is step one. And then, you know, step two is you have to buy a certain cell phone, stick it up your ass, and go back in time. It's the Dharma Initiative. It is the goddamn Dharma Initiative.

I'm not even excited to watch Lost. I got that shit DVR'd. I'm not even excited to watch it. It wasn't a good episode. Last week bored the shit out of me, man. Last week it was like, oh, we're going back in time. Oh, and then the bomb. And here we go.

Oh, look, this is crazy. They're in this time but are they in that time or this time where are they right this guy Nick Yusuf said it best

the last episode the last 90 seconds is all they needed for the whole episode yeah you know it seems to me like I didn't

it was a brilliant show that is impossible to keep up you know it's impossible to keep people strung along and fascinated for so many years.

But the same people are writing it. At a certain point in time, you don't think the well's dry? No. I thought it was dry like maybe the third season. Well, maybe they're just setting a bunch of things up and it'll be worth it in the future. I watched the whole first three seasons, whatever the hell it was. I watched them all on DVD.

So I watched them all in a row, which was awesome. No commercials. You watch two, three in a row. It's fun. That was great. Were you hooked the first time you saw it? I actually caught up like he did,

but I started like at season two and just went all through one and two. I get hooked on shows, man. Then I get bored. Like Battlestar Galactica, I loved that show. That show was incredible. I couldn't get in on that. Until the last season. Like Battlestar Galactica, I loved that show. That show was incredible. I couldn't get in on that.

Until the last season. The last season, I was like, I don't care anymore. It wasn't that it was bad. It was just after a while, it's like... You just lost interest.

I didn't have enough invested in it. It's like you're... If you're... They're building a show towards a certain conclusion, and then they have a new conclusion,

all of a sudden, we're on a planet. Oh, okay. How is this going to work out? After a while, you know, and then they have a new conclusion, oh, all of a sudden we're on a planet. Oh, okay. How is this going to work out? After a while, you just lose interest. Yeah. It's like you've been dragged,

the drama's been dragged out of you. You know, a series, I think, it's very difficult when there's a quest. You know, when there's a quest

to find the new Earth. You know, that's good to motivate you through a few episodes, but to keep that going as a series and to stay interested, I think that's hard to do.

I think there's kind of something, even though you're not getting as much, there's something great about those series that make a short season. Some of the HBO ones, they don't do a 22-episode thing. Right. And they can keep you, if their season is 6, 12 episodes, you can stay much more hooked on what they're doing, and it raises

the quality of those yeah you know but when you watch like a a series you know like you know if you're watching like they have 22 episode seasons or sometimes more than that like 40 episode seasons yeah some shows it's hard to keep that compelling 40 who has 40 i don't know south park maybe or something yeah but like you know like when you know, did you watch the original, I mean it's not a drama obviously, but the original Office on HBO? Those were six episodes. I never watched it.

Did you watch it? I haven't watched any of that. It's fantastic, man. It's amazing. It's real hard for me for whatever reason to watch comedies. Especially when I'm on my own.

I watch them with friends. I don't sit down by myself. When I watch a movie, they're almost always monster movies. I'm always watching some werewolf movie or some... even shitty ones. I watched Stephen King's Night Flyer the other night. It's a terrible vampire

movie, but I like it. It's fun. It's stupid. Yeah, I don't watch that many comedies. I don't watch comedies by myself. That one was given to me. If I'm alone, I'm watching watch that many comedies. I don't watch comedies by myself. That one was given to me. If I'm alone, I'm watching documentaries or something like that. If I'm going to watch something fiction, I want it to be completely stupid. I've given up on like, you know, artsy movies. You told me about The Hurt Locker.

Yeah. Did you watch it? No. No. I keep thinking about watching it. I mean, no, actually do, just because I would like to see what you think about it. I'm like don't I mean no actually do just because I would like to see what you think about it I just can't

believe all these people are praising it dude war movies freaking the fuck out it's alright but it's just

like mission to mission to mission to mission people love it man some people

love it people love that I saw Precious the other day how was it it's she's hot right

she's super hot she's super hot she can wrestle she can fight she's it's the She's hot, right? She's super hot. She's super hot. She can wrestle. She can fight. She's, it's,

it's like, the movie's basically, oh, this sucks, and then this sucks, and this sucks, and this sucks, and then it ends with

the worst thing ever, and you're like, cool, that's the movie. I don't like that feeling, man. You know, people will tell you

that you're not deep because you don't enjoy being depressed, you know, you don't enjoy. I don't want to go somewhere if you're going to manipulate my feelings. That's all you're really doing. I guess some movies raise awareness for certain causes

and some movies make you think about things a little bit different, but I don't need to be depressed. If I want to watch a documentary on something, I'll watch it. But if you're going to make some shit up, make it fun for me. I like vampires. I like werewolves and shit. I'm looking forward to Benicio Del Toro this weekend,

The Wolfman. I like shit that's fun. You don't have to depress me with child molestation and abuse and drug addiction. I don't like the idea that we have to depress me with child molestation and abuse and drug addiction. I don't like the idea that we have to reward something that really does depress you just because it depressed you. This movie is awesome. It'll depress the shit out of you. And then when it does, you have to go, you're right, that was awesome.

Why is that awesome? And yeah, what is that? What is that? Why are those the better ones how come the ones that make you laugh are like oh that's no big deal

it's only making you laugh but the ones that make you like feel like shit like I remember I saw 21 Grams we were talking about this once when I saw 21 Grams

it's this fucking movie where at the end of the movie I'm like I don't want to go to one of these movies ever again this movie made me feel like shit

was it well done yes it was well done. But why is seeing that good? Right, exactly. I know that that shit happens in real life. I've watched documentaries. That's where I'm going to get my real life from. If I want to get a movie, I don't want to be depressed.

I want to have some fun. I go to movies. I've got plenty of things going on in my own life. I want to escape. I want to escape in a good way. I want to escape and have some fun. I want to escape. I want to escape in a good way. I want to escape and have some fun. I want to escape and see some silly shit. I want to escape and see something fun.

I don't want to get depressed about heroin addicts. I know. I know that's real. I don't care. You can't fix that. 500 Days of Summer was another really popular movie, but it was just the same thing. It was on a plane, yeah.

It's like bummer after bummer after bummer. What is that chick movie that is the number one movie now? Dear John. Dear John. From the notebook maker. That's number one? Yeah. I heard it was just, man.

That's a pretty goddamn good-looking couple. Those two should go right into porn. Why are you fucking around? You know? They should have a, that's gonna be what happens one day. They're gonna have two versions of the movie. They're gonna have the cinematic version

and the porn. Someone's gonna go crazy. And they're gonna make like an avatar with porn. That's gonna be an option. You can get the family friendly G-rated PG version where there's no fucking. Or you can get the full-on X.

And they're not fucking just so that you can beat off to it. It's not like a bunch of scenes, like a compilation tape. No, there's a story, and in the story they fuck, and you're going to get to see it. That's going to be possible. The first couple, like this Dear John couple,

it's going to be some real attractive couple. They're going to do it. It's going it listen to our name 3d the real I was living that life he was my John he went away he came back we made love I loved him I was in the role and then they're gonna have like that's gonna be a great movie the rest of it is like still a really good movie 3d sperm yeah it's gonna be a 3d shooting you shoot sperm. Yeah, it's going to be in 3D. No. Shooting it. You shoot it inside her if you love her, bro. How dare you?

You've got to make it rain. No, no, no. Dude, this is not a porno for you to jerk off to. This is love, you fucking asshole. You ruined everything. Yeah, man. Ruined everything, dude. Talking about Avatar porn, the love version.

How dare you, Brian? How fucking dare you that's what i have to say to you now let's see if because i never go to these goddamn questions let's see if there's any day this summer was good yeah but it was also like the most depressing movie like why are we watching this what is uh 500 days of summer it's some chick flick that I was forced to watch. Hold on, let me shut this door. 3D Playboy is coming. Actually, Playboy is not coming anywhere. I think Playboy is about on the way out. Just watching that Playboy reality

show, you can just tell they're hurting for money. They have a show? Did you hear there was a story in the paper about that? That the stockholders are mad at Mr. Hefner because Mr. Hefner apparently doesn't want to sell the company. And even though there's been a couple of good offers to sell the company, he hasn't accepted them, and he just wants to live his life. Oh, he wants to take it to his grave.

Yeah, and why shouldn't he? Take it to the grave. I mean, if that's what he can do, why wouldn't he do that? He knows the end is near. Of course. He's got a few years left. What is he doing? He's going out having a good time.

It's like Fred Flintstone. He'll make your bed rock. Why is it? How dare you, Brian? How dare you? That was so terrible. You don't have anything to throw? Brian, I wish I had a rock.

That was terrible. You know, that whole Hugh Hefner thing is such a weird thing, man. One dude figured out a way how to make pornography acceptable. It really is, right? All I have to do is don't show their pussies. Show everything else. Don't get crazy. You know, have her bent over and you can see like a little lip.

But nothing, no finger spread. No like, no pussy shots. Why can't you just, why can't you show the pussy? Why can't you show a girl with her legs pulled back, like looking at you, showing her pussy. Why is it okay if I can only see part of it? Is the inner part evil?

What are you hiding from me? Look at Tara Reid in that last episode, or issue of Playboy. We got it, dude. It was Avatar. Did you see some bad boobs? No, it was Avatar. It wasn't even her. Yeah, it was like airbrushed boobs. Dude, it wasn't even airbrushed. It was Avatar. But why would you pay money for that? That's what I'm saying.

Why didn't we pay money? Why is that business still in business? Well, we were stoned and we were at the hotel. No, I'm saying, well, why would people buy that? Because people are idiots. Oh, I see your tits. You see that tabby bead? I see your tits. And they buy it. I mean, or the articles.

That's the other argument, is that they have good articles. But I don't know if they have good articles. I think that's just an urban myth. Is it? Well, at one point in time, they had good articles. I know that because there was a book that I bought a long time ago. It was a bunch of interviews with Playboy interviews. And it was really fascinating.

And one of them was Sinatra. And I never realized Sinatra was so fucking smart sinatra was like really smart and i found out this from this book of playboy interviews it was pretty fascinating but it was more really about what sinatra had to say than it was about the guy interviewing him i remember my first dirty joke was from a playboy magazine in the 70s oh you silly ghost silly goose. What was it? Why is a girl's asshole in pussy so close together? Why? So you can pick them up like a six pack. Oh, jeez.

That was in Playboy? Like 1878 or something. Why are you aggressive? Why do you pick somebody up? That's painful. I just think about fingernails, scraping inside of body parts. And holding up. That's just rude.

Why would you want to pick them up like that? That shit is rude, Brian. How dare you? Wait, so was Tara Reid not naked in this? She was basically naked. Just boobs. And she was like, she doesn't have any ass. Her ass was on the witness protection program.

Her ass was nowhere to be seen. Her ass vanished. Well, except for that one where she's sitting on the table and trying to squish her butt to make it look like she has an ass. Yeah, but I wasn't buying it. That's so funny. That's okay. Eddie Bravo showed me that move.

Well, that's a famous move. When they don't have an ass, you've got to sit on the table. Yeah, we were talking about that. It's hilarious. Yeah, man. I mean, it's like, you know, it's a very important time. You've got to go, you know, what are you really showing me? That's not really a picture of someone.

That's not really what they look like. I've seen what she looks like. That's not what she looks like. Why does she look like that? Scarface. Is it like a, is it really not her body in the photo? I mean, it's her body, but it's so airbrushed. It's crazy. It's like skin doesn't look like it. It's pores. It's not like. You know, apparently like she got in shape and she got her act together and that's why she wanted to do this. That's what I heard. I totally understand that. But who really wants to see that? Who really wants to see, like, fake stuff? I would way rather see a girl who doesn't look that hot, but she's real.

Like, I could see her skin. That's, like, hotter. You know, a girl that even isn't in that good of shape. But, you know, she's got a little roll of fat, but you see her real skin. her real skin you know i'm saying that's hot right like that airbrush shit is not even a little hot there's nothing hot to it you can't you can't get past the lie you're being told it's like the lie is so great that you're looking at it you're like what am i even seeing i'm not even getting anything from this you know it's like it's like fake fire like we're i don't feel the heat there's nothing there you know and that's what it's like it's. I don't feel the heat. There's nothing there. That's what it's like.

It's just they're fucking us. It really does nothing for you too. When you see that, it just loses its effect. Like seeing the person. And it's like how can Playboy still be a business also? Because people look at that and they go, Oh, let's see what this looks like. See what her photos look like. And they'll look at it at the store and be like,

Ew, ew, I'm not buying that. How are people still buying it? Well, they have a big piece of plastic around the magazine where you can't do that. It won't let you look at it. Because if you look at it, no one's going to buy it. There's always one issue that's like, who cares? I know, there's always one asshole like you.

Have you ever done that? Be honest. No, actually, I've never done that. I think when I was a kid, I used to do it to take the bonus video game that they would put in the game magazines. You know, but I never.

I keep telling people that I'm going to answer their questions on my own form and I never do. So I'm going to go to that right now just to check it out. Because every now and then somebody will have

a good question. You guys are going to Australia next week. Do you like your goat sea flyer I made? Did you even know there was a goat sea on that flyer? No. On the Crocodile Dundee? Oh, is there really?

It goes down and there's a little goat sea on the bottom. Ew, how dare you. Ew. Okay, a lot of these questions suck. No, they don't suck. It's just... I'm a little too stoned to be reading them. Would you ever desire to be a porn star, Joe?

Desire to be a porn star? Is what insane Steve-O says. No. I don't want anybody looking at my penis. I get very insecure. I just don't want to think that you're thinking about fucking me either. If the money was right, would you ever do porn? Nobody would want to think that you're thinking about fucking me either. If the money was right, would you ever do porn?

Nobody would want to see that. Ever. I would like to see it. I mean, I would do it for you. Somebody would look for free. What? I wouldn't charge you.

Alright, that's a wrap, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks. We had a good show. We really get with each other. Um, have you, Brian? Everyone's thought about it

at one point. You know what's... I just thought about it at one point. What's it like to do that? Yeah. I met a lot of gay porn stars. I met a lot of dudes who... I don't think I've ever met a gay porn star. When webcams first started becoming big,

I had sex with this girl on a webcam. And this was before, like when it was brand new. And I had it... I remember it was like 40 what year was this what year if i could google it uh it's like uh 95 96 but i like that's what all these rooms were just you had a webcam in 95 something like that 95 96 really so it was like 56k in your streaming it wasn't it was probably faster than 56k by then i think it was broad like first broadband.

But I remember having sex with this girl, and it was more just so I could have... How many people watched it? I think there was like 50 people in there. But I remember I was doing it with the camera and everything. I never thought anyone would be able to record it. You never thought it would have gotten this crazy, what that was back then. We had such a feeling of innocence back then.

Oh, yeah, it was so innocent back then. I would never do it now. Just think about just the feeling of connection that you have with human beings now just because of Twitter. Just because of shit like Ustream. Just because of shit like this. The connection that we have now is nothing like it was back then. It's really hard to imagine that that was only like 14 years ago. It seems like it was like, that seems like a long jump in human evolution

as far as like, you know, our culture, our technology. It's a pretty big goddamn jump. Yeah. You know?

I'm just a guy that wouldn't ever mind. To shit like this, you just do something like this. Just put it on this little social media site

and all these people watch it and people download it later and watch it later. Yeah, that's incredible. It's fucking nuts. I still can't get over that you had a webcam in 95. Yeah, that's incredible, man. That is really, it's fucking nuts. I just can't,

I still can't get over that you had a webcam in 95. He was the original geek, man. He's old school, bro. He's old school. How big was the webcam then? It was pretty big.

Actually, it was a Logitech and I think it was like about that big. It was this huge ball. Logitech Eye, right? it was something like that, yeah. Wow.

Yeah. Dude, I had a T1 mod in my house in 98. Bam. Yeah, I had to get a T1 line installed in my house because I needed fast internet. Here's how funny they didn't know about technology. When AOL first came out with instant messaging, where you could type to your friends, kind of like text messaging,

they used to have a guy's voice that would be like instant message every time you got a message so i'll be like oh hi how's it going hi nice to see you send and then be instant every single i remember like the first couple months it was okay you know but then it got to the point it was like no way to turn it off i learned how to to type fast from typing in IRC when we were playing Quake and playing Quake 2, learn how to type fast. Because you're typing in real time and having conversations in real time. Right. Eventually, that's just going to be straight speech to text.

Yeah. Or just straight speech. But the problem with straight speech is that everybody will be talking over everybody else. Well, that's, I mean, like Xbox Live, that's how it is. You sit there with like 30 people and people are like, I'm gonna kill that bitch. It's like, it's great. It's like a party chat

line with a bunch of retards. Well, that's how it is. You know, Quake, Quake is not like that. Quake, at least Quake, maybe the new ones will be like that, but they don't have

voice over. And I think one of the reasons is because it would because they would eat up more bandwidth and it would probably make the game slower does it make the game slower? well back then

I would think so but nowadays you have 20 megabytes right but up your ups your upsides is 2 megabytes 2, 1.5, 2

that's still way more than yeah but in Quake every goddamn millisecond a ping counts yeah but voice is like 128

this is geek talk ladies and gentlemen is that a game with. Yeah, but voice is like 128. This is geek talk, ladies and gentlemen. Is that a game with everybody in one room? Yeah. Is that like a lot of people? Well, some games are like 30 people in a room. And you can talk to each other. Yeah, well, whoever's on your team. Right, but everybody talks to each other.

Brian, do you play Xbox Live? I don't play Xbox Live. I used to have a real problem with Quake. I used to play Quake like eight hours a day. Xbox Live. I played Quake 2. I started out with Quake 2, but I actually liked Quake. I used to play Quake like eight hours a day. I played Quake 2. I started out with Quake 2, but I actually liked Quake 1 better, but then nobody was playing

Quake 1. And then we played Quake 3. When Quake 3 came out, that was probably the most fun one to play. That was the heyday, the Quake 3, because Quake 3 was more complicated graphically and looked cooler. It was a combination of 1 and 2. Those fucking games are so goddamn addictive because you're playing live. You log on. If you never played

quake before you log on, you, you know, you have all your settings and your computer for like, you know, your mouse speed and all this jazz, you get comfortable with it. And then you log on and you jump into a fucking three dimensional world where you have earphones. Okay. And in these earphones, you hear sounds to the right. That means someone's to your right dudes are shooting at you, rocket launchers and fucking lightning guns and it's a dark fucking hallway you're running down and dudes are hiding and they're fucking blasting you

it's fun as fuck, it's so fun. See, I'm so surprised that you're not you're into that but you're not into something like Modern Warfare 2. Oh, it's not that I wouldn't be into it, I would love to do it the problem is I don't want to get. I would love to do it. The problem is, I don't want to get addicted to anything. I had a real problem

getting addicted to Quake. I'm sure it's incredible. It's something, even though you'd get addicted to it, yeah, you'd probably get addicted to it. But it's so amazing. I don't have any time, man. I don't want to do that.

I don't want to waste my time on games. Was Quake a game system? Yes. No, it's for your PC. For your PC. Yeah, you know, it's for your PC. For your PC. Yeah, you have to have a real good graphics card in order to play it with all the fancy shit on and all the lights. But you could play it where it would look decent,

if your computer wasn't as good. But if you had a good computer and a good video card, oh my God, it's staggering. You're in high resolution, dudes would explode, you rail gun them and their body explodes in a spray of blood

it's fucking spectacular lightning bolts are flying through the air and the shadows the fucking lightning bolts

create shadows on the walls and shit it's badass but modern warfare too you're in something that really looks

exactly like LAX and you're sitting there just fucking plowing people down that's crazy I mean you're fucking at a Starbucks sitting there just fucking plowing people down. That's crazy. I mean, you're fucking at a Starbucks and there's fucking

little mugs that you can break and shit. See, I would rather be a space marine. PlayStation or Xbox? It's a PC, Xbox. I think it's everything. Everything?

The thing I like about Quake is it doesn't even seem remotely real. You know, you're rocket launching. You could rocket jump where you take your rocket launcher

and you put it at the ground and jump at the same time you go flying through the air that was my favorite shit to do that was my favorite shit to do it's a good rocket job I'd rocket jump the fuck I've just it was so much fun did you do halo no I played halo for a little bit but again I don't want to get addicted to anything I never got too much in the halo it's alright but modern warfare 2 it's just fucking you can't be this guy says Call of Duty is way too slow. That's what I like about Quake.

It's so goddamn fast. It's nothing like real physics. It's too slow? Like when you're walking down the hallway. You know how you're running? If you were running down a hallway, it would be like this. When Quake, it's like... You're flying. Sorry, Kat. I cut you out. You can fucking

run. I mean, you can fly through the air, man. Dudes are flying and jumping left and right. See, to me, that's just like Twitch gaming. It's just like, what the fuck's going on? Fucking fun, man. It's fun. I like it realistic. You're going into this world.

You're going into Avatar world, and then you think you're playing through this LAX. Right, and then I come in with my rocket launcher and fuck you right in the ass your game is stupid he jumps over you a dude from quake there would be no competition if you fought a dude from modern duty call of warfare whatever the fuck you're watching whatever games these are you can take a quake space marine and have fight one of these dudes the space marine can take a couple shots bro they have like 150 you know life points. You can't just kill him with one bullet. He's going to rocket launch you in the fucking head

and you're going to explode. That game is dumb. The Quake game is more fun. They're more durable. They have more abilities. Their weapons are way crazier. The physics are like they're not even on this planet. It's like they're running across the moon. You're talking about an old school game that's so outdated right now.

How dare you? How dare you say it's outdated? Quake will never die. How dare you? Quake will never die. Quake 4 is not outdated graphically. That's not outdated. Oh yeah, compared to today's games,

it's way outdated. Is it really? Quake 4? Oh, it's way outdated compared to today's games. John Carmack. My brother, please. I'm sorry. Forgive him.

He knows not what he says. No, I mean graphic wise. Really? It's way outdated. I don't know. my brother please I'm sorry forgive him for he knows not what he says no I mean graphic wise really I don't know you could be right I was watching

the aliens and predator demo that they showed the last UFC was sponsored by aliens and predators the video game

holy shit that looks good yeah but see even that's like not considered not top of the shelf no

god damn the graphics are incredible. It's so good. I remember when anybody used to be able to tell what was the most advanced shit.

You know, I'm saying an amateur doesn't really know what's going on. You'd see something and be like, oh, that's definitely the newest, clearly.

But now the levels of it, it's too advanced where I'm not an expert, but I'm not somebody who's never seen video games. I can't tell at all. The differences? I can't tell. I'll see something and be like, I'm not an expert but I'm not like somebody who's never seen video games. I can't tell at all. The differences? I can't tell,

like I'll see something and I'll be like, that looks amazing and somebody will be like, that's 05s. And I'll be like, really? Yeah,

the UFC game that we're working on. You're slowly turning into a parent, you know? Basically. You do this, exactly.

That's the greatest point. I'm not letting go of my child in me. I gotta make sure I'm up with all the shit. When we went to work for the UFC on the video game,

when they showed us the video game, the first time they showed us the video game was Chuck Liddell versus Rampage and for one second I looked at it

and I went, I don't remember this footage. Like, I thought it was a fight. For one second I thought it was a fight. I'm like, I've never seen a fight from this angle.

I was thinking that to myself and then I went shit this is the game and then once they start moving i mean you can pretty much tell it's a video game but it's it was so much better than i expected it to be right and that was a couple years ago right yeah they're gonna be they're gonna have some shit that looks just like like a cgi movie you know some of the games almost really look real like It's pretty ridiculous. What right now is the newest, most amazing shit? Mass Effect 2

is pretty badass. Is that like a fighting game? That's like a role-playing type fighting game. The one for PS3 that just came out, Uncharted 2, Drake's Fortune, that is like being in a movie, pretty much. Really? Yeah. Now, if you look at Avatar, what they

did with Avatar is they took the actors and the actors made all the faces and then they put it through a computer and then created these blue people. They're probably going to start doing that with video games. They already do that with video games. They do that with most video games. No, but not the way they're doing it with Avatar. Not to the probably the level that maybe

Avatar did, but some other games. They map out the facial features and everything. That's where it started from. Not to the, probably the level that maybe Avatar did, but some of the games. They map out the facial features and everything. That's where it started from. It started, I think, from video games. I just played Tiger Woods Golf 10. 10? But that's going to be creepy. Yeah.

Like when they cut to like the, him like. His face. Yeah, and then they make, they like, like if he has a bad, like if you have a bad shot, then he goes like, they have his voice layered into it, obviously. So he actually makes a face. He goes, like, Tiger. Yeah. And you're like, oh, God.

It looks like the dude right there. It freaks you out. You see the sweat dripping off of him and everything. I feel bad for that dude. There's very few people that I feel bad for in public scandals that are outside of, like, death. Why would you feel bad for him? I feel bad for him because I think the dude got drowned on.

He got poured on more than any guy in the history of the free world when it comes to cheating on your wife. There's so many white people that want him out of golf because he's just destroying the sport, because he's pretty much just, you can't beat Tiger, you know? So there's so many people that are attacking him. He knows that. He's got so much money,

he's at home fucking washing his face with money and pussy and stuff. No, he's not at home right now. He's in a sex addiction clinic. Oh, he's out of that. When did he get out of that? Two days ago.

So you don't think that that was like painful to him to have this all, all the people hating on him? I don't think so. I mean, sure, I think it's going to be crazy.

Dude, his whole life was based on his image. His image was all, they sold it to giant corporations it was so squeaky so. I mean, sure, I think it's going to be crazy. Dude, his whole life was based on his image. His image was all, they sold it to giant corporations. It was so squeaky clean. I think the main thing he's mad about is his wife finding out and all that stuff like that. But I think if you got in trouble or if you got all this attention for something as being a pimp, I don't think you're going to be like, oh, damn, I slept with a bunch of people. Now everybody knows.

That sucks for my wife. I think it was very painful. I think you're wrong. I think you're very much idealizing and not putting a human being in that situation. You put a human being in that situation. No, no, I mean, sure, it sucks, but... Dude, he's never had any negative press ever.

He's going to jump back from this so fast. It's going to be retarded. Yeah, well, he'll definitely jump back. You know golf wants him back more than anything, though, right? He's the best thing for golf, though. Yeah, well, I think he is to a point, but he wins everything. But he doesn't win everything. I mean, he's the best golfer ever, but there's guys that beat him.

Golf needs him at crazy. He's the superstar. I don't know anything about golf. Tell me this. Does he lose? I mean, what percentage of those things does he win? He usually kills. He plays his best at the highest stake, but he does phenomenally. I don't know He usually kills. He plays his best

at the highest stake tournament, but he does phenomenally. I don't know the exact numbers, but he does lose, though.

He loses. Right, but he's the most, he wins more than any of the rest. Oh, he wins way more than he ever loses.

Yeah, but I mean, he wins more than he loses? Way more. Really? Way more than he ever loses. I don't know

the exact numbers. He loses tournaments all the time, though. He doesn't win every tournament. Yeah, but he wins

way more than Well, even in pool, even in pool, the very best guys don't always win. You know, in pool especially, pool is tricky. Like, they play, like, race to 10, race to 11. Like, to find out, like, which guy's better, you really have to play, like, a race to 100. You know? It's like, then the stronger player, their definite strengths will overcome.

And, like, whenever you see, like, real good guys match up, they match up for a lot of money. There's this website called theactionreport.com. I love watching guys gamble on pool. It's, like, one of my favorite things to watch. Because I grew up playing pool. So watching these guys in theactionreport.com, they'll set these dudes up, and they'll play for, like, two or three days.

And they have, like, a race to 100. And they'll, you know, they'll bet, like, $20,000. And, you know a race to 100. And they'll bet like $20,000. And for these dudes, that's a lot of fucking money, man. And they play it out. And it's very exciting, man. If you like pool, but if you don't like pool, it's death. What is the cycle? It's called the Action Report.

TheActionReport.com. It's all gambling on pool. Super cool guys, too. They banked all their money into putting together matches. It's all legal because it's really like a two-man tournament. You call it gambling, but it's not. They've set it up as a tournament. It's just a tournament with two guys in it.

They put their entry fee in and they play for the entry fee. Where do they do it from? Different places. Different pool halls. Different places. $20,000? Yeah. They sanction it as a tournament.

That way it's all totally legal. You can play pool in tournaments. Everybody puts in $100, $500, whatever the entry fee is. They pool all that money together and they give it to the winner. It really is a form of, it's just like gambling. You have to report that money. I have friends that make a living doing that. Max Eberle, he makes a living playing in pool tournaments.

Max Eberle just won $3,000 playing up in San Francisco and is playing a big one in L.A. this weekend. This has got to be boring as fuck for people. Johnny Boy 0510 says, Tiger banged those chicks for one reason.

He could. Definitely. I definitely think that's the case. I mean, I think the truth is most people that looked like that dude that grew up the way that guy did and that lived in that guy's situation would probably be just as nuts as he is and probably fuck just as many of the girls

he fucked probably you'd go crazy he's he's an amazing athlete, right? An amazing game player. Amazing at golf. Amazing, right? A very intricate, difficult, complicated game. If he's obsessed with things like that, for sure, if that guy is that good, that he's better than all these other people that are obsessed with the game too,

for sure that guy's nuts. You almost have to be to be that good at something. You have to have a level of concentration. You have to have a level of concentration. You have to have a level of obsession that for sure is going to bleed over into other areas of your life, into your relationships. A guy who's a fanatic, who's obsessed with working out, might also be obsessed with fucking. Or might also be obsessed with gambling. A lot of pro athletes have big, big gambling problems. A lot of them.

And it's the same thing. It's that obsession with competition. The trying to win, trying to get it. That same mindset transfers over to everything. It transfers over to how you approach arguments. How you learn. Whether or not you're honest with yourself. The guy's got to be nuts. Anybody who's the best at whatever thing, I think is nuts. Not a bad nuts. Not like we're criticizing people for being amazing. We're just saying that almost everybody who's like, you get to the highest levels of any sport, there's something about those

dudes. Here's a perfect example. Everybody thinks the best heavyweight is this Russian guy, Fedor Emelianenko, and what he's most known for. And, you know, you talk to a lot of people, they'll say he's the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. I think it's probably Anderson Silva, but I could see the argument for it being him. I think GSP and BJ Penn are more likely because I think they're facing, well, it's a tough argument. You know, he doesn't have the best competition over there because he's kind of in a situation where the best guys are fighting in the UFC, so the guys that he's fighting, they're not really totally on his level where they used to be, and now they've slid off a little bit, but he's known for this insane mindset,

he's known for his ability to just, like, overcome anything and be super calm, like, while he's doing it. He's in this zone. He doesn't make any facial expressions, nothing. Yeah. Do you think he's the best, though, or no? He's one of the best, for sure. But there's something about that, the ability to go to war with somebody with a dead face, dead calm.

For sure, there's a discipline to dead calm like for sure there's a discipline to it and for sure it's something that he's learned over time but also he might be crazy as fuck how about that how about he might be fucking crazy you know i mean he might be so smart and so into you know winning and and beating dudes at fighting and so capable of crossing boundaries that others aren't willing to cross that he might just be insane. That might be why he doesn't even get angry while he's doing it.

He beats the fuck out of everybody and then he's super sweet. He draws cartoons for his daughters and shit. I think that probably the most vicious guys in business too have the same mentality. The guys that take over companies and whoever probably runs Google have the same mentality. Like, the guys that take over companies and, like, you know, like, they have, like,

whoever probably runs Google is probably, like, somebody who's obsessive and has, like, a killed mentality. Well, definitely CEOs for corporations. I mean, they're like hitmen. Have you seen that new show? What a great idea for a show, by the way, where they take CEOs of big companies

and then they go undercover and work for the company. Like, that guy from Hooters is going to be like go to all these restaurants and act like he's a fry cook and he's going to work and he's just going to check out everything and dude it's awesome undercover show yeah it's where they take the ceo of real companies and they put them in the company undercover boss yeah that's hilarious what a great idea it was great that first episode was like waste management. The biggest waste management company ever. It's called WM or WC.

Waste Management. Waste Management. And he went down. He was like shoveling shit out of fucking trolley or shit and stuff. And did they know that he was that guy? No. No idea. They just thought he was a regular worker.

And then he came back and all the guys that were great work stuff, they gave him raises, gave him promotions, and fixed everything they were bitching about. They're actually trying to figure out what's awesome. What is it called again? Undercover Boss. It's on CBS on Sundays. What a great idea. It was really good, actually.

That's what's wrong with people, man. What's really wrong with harshness and people being insensitive to other people, people that work for them, is that they don't have to live a day in their lives. You know, you don't have to. If you did, you would be, you know, much kinder. You know, it's so easy to look at, like, people that are, like, starving in foreign countries and, you know, and all the fucking crazy shit that's going on in Liberia

and all these different parts of the world that are in constant chaos and turmoil and starvation. And you don't feel it because it doesn't affect you. Because on a day-to-day basis, it doesn't affect you. But if you had to go over there and live like that, just for one week, live like they lived, my God, you know, we would realize. I can't wait to see this Hooters one

because I guess it's just like a bunch of managers totally, like, making the chicks do a bunch of shit they're not supposed to do and stuff. Like, I heard it's bad. Yeah, like sexual shit well no well like the trailer the guy goes the manager's like y'all want to go home early today up to all those little hooters girls and they're like yeah he's like you have to play my reindeer games and then he's making them eat out of plates with no hands like a beans so they're like pigs eating out of a trough just so they can go home early the company he's playing undercover he's a like he's a fucking bus boy or something oh my god

it's so great yeah he's like the manager's a real pig that he wow that's amazing that's gonna be amazing yeah there's some douche bags out there oh my god Hooters could you imagine why would you want to work at a place like that you'd want to work

at a place like that if you're some well unless it's a good job you know if you're like a bar manager type dude and they offer you a good job

I don't know what Hooters pays maybe they pay really well but you know that's a weird place to go into in the first place it's like you want to go to a strip club but. But, you know, that's a weird place to go into in the first place. It's like you want to go to a strip club, but not really. And, you know, you might be with your girlfriend.

And she'll go, come on, we'll go and it'll be fun. You want chicken. Have you heard that? The obsession of chicken at the same time. Have you heard of any place on Hollywood and Highlands, any sports club that just opened where all the girls are dressed up as, like, schoolgirls? What? No.

Yeah, they're all dressed up as school girls. Did you tell us about this? I feel like somebody told me about this. Here's the thing, man. Even if the idea of that is cool to you, when you go somewhere like that, you're going to be like, I feel like an asshole.

You know what I mean? Like at a bar where they're dressed as school girls. You're not going to feel cool about that. I had an idea once for a pizza place called pizza sluts where it's all pizza delivered by girls in bikinis pizza sluts pizza sluts yeah i wanted to put it on sunset and have like super hot chicks you pay them like fifty dollars an hour and they walk around and you know and tips and then they get tips and they walk around a bikini serving pizza that's a great idea you should do that listen it's out there you

can have it whoever wants it just let me have a free piece of pizza and it's all yours no man like you never I don't want to open up any kind of business people will come up to me with business ideas I'm like just stop talking the best is you get on script ideas all the time. Remember that one dude that was like a UFC script? Yeah, and they get mad if I won't read it. And I go, listen, man, I don't have the time to read 90 pages of your shit. I'm not an agent, and I'm not acting, so I'm not going to read it. They get mad.

Give me a chance, man. Somebody gave you a chance. I'm like, whoa, dude, you're asking for an hour and a half of my time. It's going to take me 90 minutes to read this this stupid thing and i don't even know you and i don't want to act so what the fuck is the point of this yeah everybody wants someone else to help them everybody wants someone else to get get you know get them in the in the door in hollywood the crazy thing is i'm not even in the door in hollywood i barely exist in this world i uh i i do the commentary for the uf, which is totally outside of Hollywood.

That's sports. I'm a fucking sports broadcaster. And then stand-up comedy. Both of them are totally outside of it. So how am I going to help you get a movie started? What am I doing? When was the last time I acted in that Kevin James thing? That's the only movie I've ever... I did two other movies and no one ever saw them. One of them, I don't think it ever came out. Maybe it came out like five years after we did it. It was terrible. It was called Venus in Vegas,

and another one, I forget what it was, Frank Bukluski, C.I. It was, it could have been really funny, but the CEOs, or whoever the fuck they were,

the producers, these dudes, I remember this dude in cufflinks, and his fat Rolex, like this beautiful, expensive watch, remember this dude in cufflinks and his fat Rolex, like this beautiful, expensive watch and this really sweet cufflinks and he had, what are those straps? What the fuck are those things called?

Suspenders? Had suspenders on. And this kid who is the lead of the movie is doing the scene and this guy's telling him, don't do it like that, do it like this. Like, hey, what are you guys doing? Like, he is

giving line readings this dude was giving line readings to this kid this really funny comedian who was the lead in the movie i was like wow this thing is going to go right in the toilet so it was basically like all these people put all this money up to make this movie and then they wanted to have a say in it because the kid who was the the lead in it was not that big of a name right and they just fucked it up man it's fascinating to watch shit like that that's what makes you like really appreciate comedy you know nobody can fuck our shit up you just you write it you grow up you do it it's yours you know i can tell you to do it this way don't you appreciate that of course some clubs do that though you get because well you you have

to work those sometimes what was that one that you said? What's that called? Where is it? It's in Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania? Yeah. They go, like, they're like, don't curse. What's the place called? Juniors. Juniors in what part of Pennsylvania?

Erie? Yeah. Juniors in Erie. No swearing. No swearing. They go, don't, like, this is a clean show. And you're like, alright.

And then like, in case you forgot six more times before you get up, hey man, don't forget. And you're like, no,

I heard you the first five times. And then like, after the show, they're like, but didn't you suggest something? Like,

did you make a joke about, like, tits or something? And you're like, no. And they're like, somebody said you did.

And you're like, no, I think I said something about like, my, I you're like no like somebody said you did you're like no i think i said something about like my i just said it looks like i have a breast or something and they're like oh okay well you know just try not to lean so like don't even like do say something that's suggestive or could be perceived as you know and you get a speech about it, and you're like, wow. For how much? I get like $100,000 for like four shows. Damn, man, that's awesome. For not a lot. But how crazy is that, that they hire comics and want them to? Well, I guess as long as the comic does that normally, as long as you advertise yourself as doing a squeaky clean show,

then I can understand that. They hired this guy, too. Did they hire you under those circumstances or under that agreement? They hired me asking, can he be clean? Oh, okay, so you took the gig. I took the gig. It still sucks. It still wasn't fun. There was a place that I had to do when I was starting out in Boston.

We had to do 20 minutes. I had to be squeaky clean. I found it was interesting, but I was like, I'm not really accurately representing myself I feel like I'm faking it and here's the thing I took it for work

to get the work but the whole week at no part is that fun it's not fun to do not because you can't say a word you want to say

but because someone told you restrict yourself censor yourself so you just feel like you're not having fun and they're watching you yeah

the whole deal about comedy is that comedy's got the best best comedy comes from like the loosest mind when you're loose you're not worried about shit you're not feeling

you know you know thinking that you have to you know watch your step because someone's watching you and can't say certain things that's a fucking disaster

yeah and I asked the the guy who runs it I go well does well, do you ever have to fire somebody? And he was like, oh, yeah. Because I was like, this has to backfire, because they're really strict about it. And they hired, you know, he's a comic, the black comic, who was on this last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah. You know his name? He's hilarious. Yeah, really funny guy. You know his name? talking about? Yeah, yeah. Do you know his name? He's hilarious. Yeah, really funny guy. Do you know his name? I don't remember his name. Really funny guy. Well, they hired him

and they told him and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he got up there according to the manager of the club was like, so then I said, this motherfucker,

like, what the fuck? And like, just... That's awesome. Like a hundred fucks in the first ten minutes and they got off stage and they were like, what the fuck, man?

What the gosh? And he was like, that's how I fucking talk. And they're like, you gotta just fire stage and they were like, what the fuck, man? What the gosh? And he was like, he was like, that's how I fucking talk. And they're like, you gotta, like, just fire him. They're like,

go home. That's hilarious. He was like, alright. What's his name? God, he's really fucking great. He lived with Larry, remember?

I haven't watched that show. Uh, and he was also, uh, he's in Pootie Tang. Yeah. What is the, if you look at Pootie Tang,

it would probably be, what is, uh, the show? Curb Your Enthusiasm. Yeah. What is the... If you look at Poodie Tang it would probably be... What is the show? Curb Your Enthusiasm. So, yeah. He has kind of like a... It's like a stage name.

Right? Like it's a... Fuck. It's not his real name. I can't remember. They're all the same to me. How dare you? That's terrible.

How dare you? That's not even funny, Brian. You're an asshole. That's not cool. You're an asshole. That's not cool. You're an asshole. John Mayer told me. Well, they only show the top five.

I stopped watching it a while ago. I don't know why. Did you hear that dude died from the ice fishing show? Yeah, he had a stroke. Wait, will you go to IMDB? IMDB. Yeah. I went BD.

And then, what's the other one? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I want BD. And then do... Do Poodie Tang. Captain Phil Harris. That sucks. Yeah.

All right, if you go down. That's crazy. J.B. Smoove. J.B. Smoove. Oh, that dude's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. J.B. Smoove. I worked with that dude when I was living in New York.

Oh, really? Yeah, he was hilarious. He was fucking funny as shit. We did a, I got a funny story about him. We did a college together once. And this is when I was dating this chick, and she used to like to complain a lot, and it would really get on my nerves,

and I would bring her to gigs with me sometimes, and she would complain as we were driving out there, and I'd get in a shitty frame of mind. So we get to this college, and it's in the middle of nowhere. It's really hard to get to in New Jersey. And I'm listening to this chick complain, and I like you know you got to be positive like when you're negative around me all the time it makes me negative and then it's not fun to go on stage yeah you know i'm sorry you know i'm just expressing myself it's just so

annoying so we sit down and they go well the opening act jb smooth is lost so we're gonna wait till he gets here so why don't you sit down and just watch TV for a while. Okay, okay, cool. So I sit down and I watch this fucking documentary on the Malibu fires. And there's all these people and there's these fucking kids and the kids are looking for their dog. And they're walking around these burnt down buildings.

There's like skeletons of buildings. They're like, Roscoe! Roscoe! They're yelling out for their dog. And this guy is fucking crying his eyes out. This guy worked for the fire department because he was talking about how everything he ever had in his world, all his life, he worked towards building this house. Like, this was a dream. It took him, you know, 20 years to build it. He built it by hand, him and his brother.

And now it's done. It's just wrecked. It's gone. Everything's black and charred everywhere you look. Roscoe, where are you? And I'm bummed out. Well, J.B. Smooth obviously is not going to come here, so we're just going to start the show now, and you'll go up, and I guess if he gets here,

he'll go after you. I go, okay, okay, okay. I didn't know back then that you can't watch shit like that and just go on stage. I would prepare myself. Now, if I was watching something on stage and it was starting to bum me out, I would have to get out of the room.

I'm like, I'm not going to put my mind in this frame where these people are, their dog burnt to death and they lost all their possessions, their whole life's dream is grown man in his 50s with a mustache, is weeping. And then I went right on stage and just ate dick. I wasn't even a little funny.

There was nothing that I could have possibly said that was funny. I just didn't think anything was funny. I had a two-hour drive with a chick bitching at me. Then I watched 20 minutes of people crying because their house is gone. And then I go on stage. It was just death. But J.B. Smooth went on right after me and destroyed.

Destroyed. There was like such a But J.B. Smooth went on right after me and destroyed. Destroyed. There was like such a stench in the room from my performance. It was so flat and so uninspired and I was so, I so didn't want, and the people that paid to see me, they were so bummed out because they had like told their friends

how funny I was because they saw me at NACA. There was a NACA convention. This is like this Association of College Campus Activities thing where you, you know, you perform and then they would send you out to all these different colleges all across the country. It was really good money. And, well, I had done the conference and I killed, I fucking destroyed.

And so I got all these colleges for it. And this was one of those colleges. And these people were like, wow, you really killed it, NACA. Yeah, I killed it. I fucked, sorry, I fucked up. It was disastrous. But J.B. Smooth went on after me

and destroyed it. Does he live out here? Does he do comedy out here? I don't know. I think he's a New Yorker. I don't know, man. Dude, it's so funny. Got some of the best

facial expressions ever. Rogan, that ice shit was hilarious, by the way. Oh. That thing's got taken on its own little thing. It's ridiculous, isn't it? How funny is that?

Do you know about this? What's that? I'm going to teach you all. There was funny is that? Did you know about this? What's that? What'd you tell him? There was a fight that aired on Spike TV where this dude had a bag of ice on the dude's head

in between the corner and the bag broke and the ice went everywhere. And I'm like, oh, gee, we got a problem. Like, look at this. There's ice everywhere. And these guys start

picking up the ice but they're stumbling and dropping the bucket and I start doing like play by play. I'm like, it's a goddamn three stooges. Look at these guys. And apparently, apparently you know we're just killing time while they clean up ice basically i'm like let me just entertain while they're

cleaning up ice let me just make fun of this and now it's like this youtube clip it's all over the place man really it's great what sucks of being in the audience you can't hear you right so i had no idea any of this was going on right so that So that just sucks. You know what? Next time, I'm going to get you guys those things. Yeah. That would be so much better. Yeah.

I don't know how those things work. Maybe you can, you'll probably figure out a way to improve it. Oh, yeah. Get your iPhone. Here's the problem.

Put Wi-Fi in there. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there is a Wi-Fi that's available in the, in the, These like headphones that you can wear

at the right now. Yes. It's an ear thing, like a little, like a, sort of like an iPod. And you sit there and you can wear at the rain? Yes. It's an ear thing, sort of like an iPod. And you sit there and you can listen to the commentary while it's all going on. That would be better then. Yeah.

They have a streaming. It would be so much better if it was on your iPod. I heard that Spilled Bag of Ice is talking shit on the internet. I heard you're talking a lot of shit on Twitter. That ain't cool, bro. That's not professional, okay? Yeah, it's got its own Twitter page. Yeah, it's got a spilled bag of ice as a Twitter page. It's got like 500 followers already.

It's hilarious. You should follow Brian because Red Band is trying to bump up his count. That's right. And he's very upset that more people aren't following him. Like 1,100. Damn, dude, you're way more than me. What are you at? Like four-something. Twitter is so hard to get people. Well, dude, you're way more than me. What are you at? Like four-something.

Twitter's so hard to get people. Well, yeah, follow Tom Segura, ladies and gentlemen. This name down here. Yeah, point to it. Come on. Where's that thing? Can you see? Yeah, I'll go like that.

There's a serious delay here. Yeah. Oh, more. Anyway. Tom got it. Please. Go there. Ice is commentating at UFC 109 with me.

How funny is that that became such a big deal? Pants on the floor. That's one thing that does come in handy, being a comedian and being a commentator at the same time. When something fucks up, I can at least make fun of it. Do you do that a lot? You should do it more. It's not appropriate.

I only do it where it's appropriate my job is to to represent what's going on my job is to represent what's going on in the fighting it's not my job to like stick my personality into that you know when when it's appropriate then i do it but you you can't look for like did you ever watch when dennis miller did the monday night football yes and he would like throw jokes in. A lot. Right jokes. No, what would be funny is if your conversations with Mike were kind of like... Scripted?

Yeah. No, no, no. You do it already sometimes. When Mike will say something, you call him out on it. Right. But if you just kind of did that more. Because sometimes he says some shit. Yeah.

Sometimes I have to let it go, though. I have to. Because we're in the middle of moving something along. Someone's getting into the octagon. The fight's about to take place. I don't want to... I like that side talk that you guys do. I do, too.

But we've got to do it. You know when it's best? When the fights are boring. When you have a boring fight, then you can start talking shit. And you can be like, this isn't the most exciting fight I've ever seen in my life. I'll say things like that on occasion if it's a boring one. Do you find yourself also trying to find new sayings? Because you always have to say, it seems like you get stuck. I repeat myself all the time. He has a heart of gold

or something like that. Heart of gold. All of a sudden it's a country music song. He has a heart of gold. He has the spirit of a tiger. I mean, do you ever look there and put a bunch of animals in there? No, I say the heart of a tiger. I mean, do you ever look there, do you put a bunch of animals in there? No, I say the heart of a lion because it's a genuine expression. You start making expressions up. He has the warrior spirit of an Asian tiger. Yeah, but you should do that.

Oh, man, nobody wants to hear that. That's not me, though. But there is a dude, Michael Chiavello, the guy that does Dream. He does all the commentary for Dream, and he does K1. He's really hilarious because he'll like

make stuff up. But it's really funny coming from him. Like when this guy was throwing hooks, he goes, more hooks than a pirate's convention.

Like he says shit like that. That's great. It's funny. The thing about Dennis Miller's was that his were obscure. Like you had to have read.

That whole style, that whole style of comedy, that whole style like I know much more than you do, and you're going to pretend that you know as much as I do. You're on the inside, so you're going to laugh at the joke. Right, exactly. If it's not even a joke, it's just a reference. Did you hear Brian's example of a specific one, though?

It's like the Constitution, page two. That was his idea of being specific. Being obscure. Page two. That was his idea of being specific. Page two. Constitution. Not a line from it. Page two. It's really funny if you think about how few people really understand

or have written, read the Constitution. I've never read it. Have you ever read it? I think I might have. I never read it. Read the Constitution? Yeah. I think you had to back in the day. Yeah, maybe. Do you remember any of it? I mean, do you remember anything about, like, I remember freedom of speech. I remember you're supposed to be allowed to have guns and you're allowed to take up arms against the government. Isn't that legal?

Something like that? Isn't that, like, Second Amendment? Bill of Rights. It's really kind of crazy if you stop and think about, like, how the structure of our country, the whole structure of our country is made up in a way that very few people have even looked into yeah you know you'll talk about it's unconstitutional but you know how many people have ever even read that shit it's got to be like a minuscule percent and it's so crazy that we we stick with these laws that were were invented like so many hundred years ago like why haven't we come up with a better way? Why haven't we refined it and made it better just for the people? When you hear new rulings like this recent ruling that the Supreme Court had

where they said that corporations can spend as much money as they want on campaigns now, they're just like an individual. They can spend as much as they want. That's an insane idea. That's a horrible idea. Why would you think that that would be good for the individual? Why would you think that would be good for human beings in general? That's only going to be good for the corporation.

Of course. You're going to spend millions of dollars because the politician who's going to get into office is going to do shit that he doesn't really want to do but you asked him to do, which is why you got him in there in the first place. You know, I mean, nobody gets into office that isn't playing the game.

I mean, it's pretty obvious now. With Obama, and Obama's a smart fucking guy, man. nobody gets into office that isn't playing the game. I mean, it's pretty obvious now. With Obama, and Obama's a smart fucking guy, man. I saw him, that thing that he was doing where the Republicans were questioning on shit and saying a bunch of nonsense, and he was just correcting them left and right and made them all look stupid and did it without a teleprompter

and was calm as fuck under pressure. And you watch that guy and you go, God, if this guy can't even change anything, if he can't even change anything and everybody's like Obama's a puppet, Obama's a puppet maybe, maybe or it might be that he can't fucking change anything. It might be that

the president is just... He is a puppet. That's the whole point. The president's a puppet. It might be that the president really is. I mean I think like JFK tried to treat the presidency as if he was like really the president. You know, but I think Bush very obviously accepted the position of the spokesperson. Very obviously wasn't paying attention.

Very obviously, you know, would make like critical mistakes about shit and the way he promoted things and the way he spoke about things when he was, you know, when he was off script. I mean, he was a fucking dunce. And then you had Cheney who was always hiding in the bunker and this fucking evil billionaire CEO character who was actively making money off the war. Actively profiting. I mean, that's some incredible shit. And then when the company that he used to be the CEO of

then becomes the fucking company that's contracted to go to Iraq and fix everything? For instance, man. Jesus Christ. And everybody goes, well, that's because, you know, that's the only company that's qualified. Like, oh, so what? So what? So what?

Fire up a new company. That's crazy. That guy can't make money as the vice president from fucking war. And then Obama comes into office and you gotta go like well you know it's like he ain't fixing shit you know what is what is he changing sending 30 000 more people to afghanistan you know i mean this whole economic stimulus when i hear them talk about that i feel i'm i feel angry i feel like i am getting fucked right now and i don't know i'm getting fucked like the way they're talking about this and the money

that gets, the Goldman Sachs CEO who just got, you know, some insanely large bonus. You know, it was reported online it was a hundred million dollars

or something like that. Some insane bonus because they made so much money in 2009. They had like their record year. It's incredible. It's all incredible.

It's all incredible. The whole, the whole idea that, you know, that they buy out all these fucking banks because the banks are too big to fail. And where is all the money going? It's all numbers. It's all ones and zeros. What the fuck is happening and where's it going? It's all nuts. Like the whole system is so chaotic. A system of finance that's based mostly on confidence. That's a big part of it. Because for the longest time, we didn't have shit.

We weren't producing shit. But everybody was confident that real estate prices were going to keep going up. So they keep buying them and selling them. And they keep making money. So everybody's confident. And meanwhile, in the middle of all of it, nothing is going on. There's just ones and zeros moving back and forth. We don't even know what the fuck is happening.

And it runs our whole life. I mean, the financial system that what the fuck is happening. And it runs our whole life, you know? I mean, the financial system that runs the world, it's like so fucking complex that a guy like Bernie Madoff can fuck them all and steal billions and billions of dollars and nobody knew. It's absurd.

That's insane. Billions. I mean, he didn't steal like 50 grand. He stole 50 billion. And over years. Yeah, over decades. He had that much money going on and no one knew what the fuck was happening. And he used to be the president, I think, of the stock exchange.

Yeah, yeah. He was the guy who was in charge of it all. Was he the chairman or something like that? Yeah. It was some big wig. It was a big position. Yeah. It's incredible, man.

It's really amazing. Yeah, it really is, man. I mean, I used to think before the market crashed i thought well i don't want to spend too much time thinking about you know finances and politics because it's so complex to really study it appropriately you would have to spend many many hours every day delving into all the different issues that are going on all the different areas that merit attention it's like god damn it it's more than a full-time job. And if you have a family, if you have kids, if you have a job,

if you have a hobby, if you have any friends, where are you coming up with that time? Where are you coming up with that time that you're going to get obsessed with politics? I don't have it. Do you have it? Who the fuck does? That's incredible. So the system that is running our whole lives is one that we barely understand and haven't even researched.

You'd have to do nothing but consume information all day long to have even a remote chance to really follow the ins and outs. That's in the same bucket as math with me. Yeah. If my brain just doesn't work like that, then meh. Oh, do you think, by the way, that like, I don't know, I voted for Obama. And so I've been like, you know, I wanted to succeed and do well and Mac. Oh, do you think, by the way, that I voted for Obama and so I've been like, you know, I want him to succeed and do well and everything. And here's how

out of it I am with politics, that I don't know if this is factual or not, but was his campaign part of it that he would withdraw troops? So isn't sending them just, at the very least, it's the opposite of what you said you were going to do I think he did withdraw troops but I think he just

when everyone says he sent that many troops to Afghanistan he just withdrew them and moved them over well everybody knew it was bullshit but we're sending 30,000 more now right now right? I shouldn't say everybody knew it was bullshit but a lot of people knew that what he really was going to do was pull troops out of Iraq

and put more in Afghanistan. Because they were saying that we're under-trooped in Afghanistan for what they're trying to do. But, you know, it's kind of crazy that the dude wins the Nobel Peace Prize and then sends 30,000 more people to Afghanistan right afterwards. That's just bizarre. I mean, even liking him, it doesn't make sense that you would award somebody a Peace Prize just on their image. Well, you know, we've got to pay attention.

Everybody's like, well, you've got to look out for where things are happening. You've got to protect American interests and protect America from terrorism and all that good stuff. But listen, the scariest goddamn threat to America is the Mexican drug cartels. They're right next door to us.

You can drive to fucking Mexico, man. It's right there. And if you live in San Diego, it's a goddamn 20-minute drive and you're in another country where they're murdering people every fucking day of the week. Way crazier. Victor Davila, the guy who does the Spanish version of my job, he does the commentary

for the UFC, he told me that it's five times more people have died last year, in 2009, in Juarez and all the border towns, all the murders and the gunfire that's going on between the cops and the bad guys. Five times more have died than in Iraq and Afghanistan combined ever. That's insane. That's insane. And it's right there. He said it's nuts over there. He said you have to

drive around at night with your light, your dome light on, so that the drug cartels, they see. They don't wonder who you are in the car. They don't just gun your car down just to be sure. Really? Yeah. He said it's nuts, man. People drive around with their dome lights on so the drug guys can see inside.

Whoa. That's fucking terrifying. Terrible. You're driving around and they let you live. Let him live. Let him live. He doesn't have our guys in there. Whoa. How scary fucking terrifying. Terrible. So you're driving around, and they let you live. Let him live, let him live. He doesn't have our guys in there. Whoa. How scary is that shit?

And that's right next door, man. And the reason why it all happened is because drugs are illegal. That's the reason why it all happened. You got all these fucking people that are willing to sell drugs, because all these people want drugs, and the people that are selling the drugs make billions and billions of dollars. And they don't realize that a lot of people think that's all cocaine the biggest import from mexico in the illicit drug world is is marijuana so it's it's the fact that that's

illegal that fuels a lot i'm saying if you made it legal in mexico united states universally you would you would you would get rid of a lot of the violence and things that go on because the biggest thing that's being brought in is not coke. It's marijuana. So the fact that these guys are doing this because it's illegal, if they just made it legal, you would reduce violence by so much. But you know what? They're not going to cut down any laws that they don't absolutely have to cut down.

And if they ease up restrictions on marijuana, it's going to take decades. It's going to be statewide in California first, and there's going to be some contest to that, and then maybe a couple other states will adopt it. It'll never be national. It'll never be federal. Because they always need those fucking people to work. They need those DEA guys. Those guys are going to make sure that they're in a position of power.

They're going to make sure that they keep a certain amount of jobs every They're going to make sure that they, you know, they keep a certain amount of jobs every year. And if you close down marijuana, you make marijuana legal, you make all drugs, you criminalize all drugs, then you're, you're, you're chopped down like more than half. Yeah. More than half the people in prison today are in prison for nonviolent drug offenses. Sure. Which is crazy when you can go to CVS and get fucked up out of your mind. You go to CVS, you know, and they have shelves where they have fucking whiskey. Just shelves after just so much whiskey you could drink yourself to death right there. I go to CVS now to buy the cheapest beer. They have the cheapest beer now.

It's crazy. Yeah. I mean, it's amazing that alcohol kills people and yet we don't even bat an eye at it being right there on the corner in a convenience store like hard hard shit jack daniels wild turkey and shit you know right there you know i mean liquor stores supermarkets right there beer wine drink yourself to death but if they had weed people would freak out there's fucking weed here there is a difference when you think about it there's not one alcohol where you could take one shot and then be out of your mind panic attacks

might check yourself in the hospital for you know because you think your heart's freaking out you know there's not one alcohol that will do that but yet there is weed that you take one hit and you will think you're having a you're done especially if you don't smoke weed. There is a glass of something you can drink and if you had a glass of it. A glass of it, yeah. The glass of it is like eating a whole bag of weed. The reason why it's good that things are legal is because

when things are legal they have really clearly defined portions. A beer. You get a beer. It's 12 ounces or whatever the hell it is. You crack it open. There it is. That's a beer. If you have more than one. Now you know it's like when you have two beers, right? You have two beers now. Be careful. You know, like with weed, especially when you buy like edibles, you don't know what you're getting. You could get like some, I've had a pot of lollipops where I couldn't even feel them. Like I eat

the whole lollipop and two hours later I'm like, I think I got a dud. Like it was a dud. And then you'll have a cookie where you eat half the cookie. And you'll see, like, cartoons fucking behind your eyelids. Like, you close your eyes. And you'll see, like, these animated cartoons, like, wrestling and duplicating and moving back and forth all around you in, like, neon colors. That's how I felt at the last UFC. Woo! It was a little bit too strong. I thought I was going to die.

We talked about this before, but it's worth talking about because it's so crazy and most people don't know about it. When you eat marijuana, and this is very important for people who think, you know, I got two stone. You can get two stone smoking pot. It's totally different than getting two stone eating pot. Getting two stone eating pot is terrifying because your body produces a chemical called 11-hydroxymetabolite. And when, apparently what happens is when you smoke marijuana, this is what I read online, when you smoke marijuana,

it has this 11-hydroxymetabolite, but it's not psychoactive. But when you eat it, and it's processed through your liver, and it goes in your bloodstream, it's four times more potent than THC. Four times more psychoactive. So that's why you get so high.

You eat a brownie, and you're just like blitzkrieged. It's literally higher than you can get smoking it. It eat a brownie and you're just like blitzkrieged. It's literally like higher than you can get smoking it. It's a different high too. It's almost like mushrooms or something. It's really self-examining.

Real self-examinatory. You really start like, is that a word? Self-examinatory? I like it. It sounds like a word. If it sounds like it, it's a word.

Maybe. It should be a word. I freaked out with a cookie one time. Woo! I was crying and stuff for a long time. It was hours and hours and hours. Yeah.

Eddie had a cookie once that really freaked him out. He was doing this character. It was a white rapper that puts blackface on to be more street. And he was doing this character. And it was like the ultimate wigger. He was trying to claim that he really didn't have makeup on, but he did. It was pretty funny, actually. And he ate the

cookie and got so paranoid because of this video. He started to freak out. He thought the black people were going to come and get him and they were going to hate him. He was racist. And he was like, ready to cry. I mean, he was talking about it. He was like, ready to cry i mean he was talking about he was like you know that's funny it's so funny how when you get high like i got high once and i thought about some shit i said about steven seagal like i was like making fun of steven seagal and i was being

like really mean and then i got high once and i thought about i'm like why am i being such a dick steven seagal never did anything to me like I'm being so personal about it, about making fun of him. I'm not even doing it good naturedly. It made me realize, what if I met him? What if he was nice? What kind of a piece of shit would I feel like? Maybe he's not nice, but maybe he is. Maybe I meet him and maybe I like him.

I've met some people that people thought were douchebags before and I liked them. It made me really examine my instincts instincts just because this guy's famous to just shit all over him. That's all I wanted to do. I just met Roddy Piper. He was the nicest old man I've ever seen. Roddy Piper's a legend, man. Yeah, but when you see him though, you're like, who is this guy?

He was just like off the streets. Really? Yeah. But nicest guy ever. ever well he's still acting right? isn't he acting in TV shows and shit? have you watched

the golf show though? fucking awesome Steven's golf show is god damn classic I don't like it you don't like it? no don't you like

when he talks black to black people? I do it's worth that little piece what up cuz what's with the going cuz

what you trying to do here we're going down we're going down like he will straight up patronize. He goes right to Cuz. What up, Cuz? Like, right away.

These guys are handcuffed. Is his gun even real? Does he keep real bullets in his gun? I don't even know. Does he let him have bullets in his gun? I'm so weird about that show. To me, it just seems like I'm getting fooled. I mean, I kind of understand.

Okay, he has real martial arts training. Gotcha. He's got real firearms training. Gotcha. He would bring exposure to your police force. Okay, I see where you're coming from. I can kind of understand how they would be willing to have him as a cop. But it's strange.

You know, it's like, you think that people would be smarter. You think that people would be, like, do you think in Israel, they would let Sylvester Stallone be a cop in Israel? Do you think they would let him go around in trouble with them? I think they could be a 12-year-old and be a cop. Well, they would make you, but you know what I'm saying? Do you think they would take an actor and let him do that? No.

Yeah, they might think that, listen, this is going to be like 10 a game. They'd be like, don't make another movie. Yeah, they might be like, this ain't no joke. How about if Seagal is an expert in every episode on some shit that you're reading? Like, he's like, you know, I've been training dogs for like 20 years. And then, like, then he's playing the blues. You're like, really? You play

the blues? Well, you know, it was funny. There was a spy magazine article about him and about his background, about how a guy was claiming that his background was fabricated and that there was a spy magazine article about him and about his background, about how a guy was claiming that his background was fabricated and that there was a dude who really worked for the CIA in Southeast Asia and Seagal met him and Seagal started telling this guy's stories as his own. He just started adopting this guy's life.

That'd be a great movie. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, a dude that's completely full of shit. But he's not totally full of shit, because he really is like this high-level Aikido black belt. I mean, Aikido's kind of a silly martial art, but he's really like a high-level Aikido black belt.

I do think that that's completely true and accurate, and I do believe that he is a little out of his mind. Yeah. Well, he's definitely out of his mind. But, I mean, how many people have you ever met and showed business that aren't out of their mind? No, totally. But when of his mind. But, I mean, how many people have you ever met in show business that aren't out of their mind? No, totally. But when you become an action superstar,

and I think he kind of wanted to be the characters in the movies he was playing. He wanted to be out for justice for real after he did that shit. And he was like, I'm going to go be a cop. And, you know, he acts like, I'm just another cop. No, you're not.

You're fucking sick, sis. How crazy is that? I've been training eagles to wear hats for 20 years. He got rid of the ponytail which I was very disappointed in. I was hoping he was going to rock the ponytail.

It would be better if he had it. The ponytail kind of makes it with him, man. There's something about him having that ponytail. It makes him look more like samurai style,

you know? Yeah. I like that ponytail. I think he should rock that shit. I just realized what it is about his films. The expression that he never had in a film. I was always wondering what it was.

He's never been out of breath. His face was always in control. Even after fighting 10 dudes, he would turn to the last dude and not be breathing. How about the one with Kelly LeBrock where he was in a coma for years and then he came out of the coma and just got some fucking acupuncture and did some meditating. Next thing you know, he's punching bricks and shit and running up hills.

I'm back. I'm back in shape. Like he gets back in shape after being in a coma for years. He gets back in shape in like a couple days. You know, he's punching the makiwara out there in the desert and shit. Drinking tea. Doing his forms. Meditating.

Incense. It's hilarious. He's acupuncture. Your show on the air, Steven Seagal. He's genius, man. His movies are even better, man. His movies are goddamn classic. I ordered some movie called The Room. People have been telling me about this movie for years.

I've heard so many people recommend it as the worst movie ever. The best, worst movie ever. My copy comes tomorrow. What's it called? I'm looking forward to it. It's called The Room. I saw the Patton Oswalt parody. I don't want to see that.

I'm sure it's hilarious. I'll see that after I see it, but I don't want to give anything away. Apparently, this movie is so bad that it's like insanity. You watch it and you start screaming and you're like rewind this, rewind this. Do you guys want to watch it? Yeah.

Let's watch it next week. There's another one called Richard Heat. You have to get that. Yeah? What are you doing on Friday? Do you do anything on Friday during the day?

No. Do you do anything Friday during the day? Brian? I don't know. Let's watch that shit. Let's have a bunch of people over and watch it.

It's supposed to be the worst movie of all time. It's supposed to be genius. It sounds awesome. Geniusly shitty. And Brian, can you order Richard Heat?

You guys have to see it. Richard Heat? Order it. Huh? Is it on DVD? I think so. I've seen the trailer, the extended trailer.

Richard Heat. Oh, you saw me the preview. You showed me the preview once. I did? In a laptop. Was that it? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's hilarious. That's real. That's a full-length film. That's real. That's a full length film. That's funny. When are you guys going to broadcast in HD

on Justin TV? Justin TV has HD? This Roll Hard character on the Roguelord says they do. They don't have it

for Mac. They don't have it for Mac? I don't think it's really HD either. It's not really HD? But all these guys have better uh video quality

on pcs really well why don't we start running from a pc let's run boot camp boot camp here i don't mind putting boot camp is it that big of a deal it's not hard right i had it on this computer and it was just not the best brian hates windows i just don't want to put windows on my laptop if you're like a big fan of windows one wrong email my shit's. I just don't want to put windows on my laptop. You're like a big fan of windows. One wrong email, my shit's all fucked. I don't want it.

Maybe we should get a PC just to do this. Should we get a PC just to do this? Maybe. I might buy a computer for you faggots. How about that?

Get broadcasting. Broadcasting. What a confusing message daddy sends us. He'll call us all faggots. What kind of a fucking show is this? Brian, did you have

Apple's way when they were first coming out? Were you into them then? Like when we were in... Elementary school I used them. Like Apple 1, 2, and C. I'm saying, did you like them then? I liked them back then, but I never... I grew up with PCs just because I was a broke ass

and I I just build my own computers and stuff like that. You build your own computers? I can still do that. And math scares you? I made a couple computers. I built a couple computers from scratch. Who the fuck are you guys man?

Well I mean I'm not good at it. I need someone to help me along the way. My friend Andrew is a psycho genius and he knows everything. He used to make computers for a living. I could always call him like, dude, I'm fucked up. I didn't flash the BIOS. Help me. Tell me what to do here. I could get... But it's not that hard. It's like once you understand

that a motherboard is for a certain CPU and you know that they match and you know how to put it on and you have all the pieces and you know where it goes, then you know where the memory goes, then you know where the memory goes, then you know where the hard drive goes. It's not that hard. And then the hard part is getting it to boot up, loading Windows,

and then getting all your peripherals, your keyboards, and all that shit to sync up. At least it used to be back in the Windows, you know, 95 and 98 days. That was when I started. That's when I was making computers. But I would make my own PCs. I would just go to Fry's and buy a box. That sounds really intimidating to me.

It's not that hard, man. It's really not that hard. It's really... It's more just plugging things in. Yeah, because I don't know any coding. I don't know, like, when I would, like, go into the... I knew, like, command prompts for certain things in Windows, you know. I knew how to ping servers and stuff like that.

But there was most shit I didn't know. And most shit was just things that friends told me or I'd read a book on or something like that. It's a lot easier nowadays. Way easier. Stupid shit like jumper settings. Yeah, there was always, and you had to have the memory in the right slot

or it wouldn't boot. Right. You know, you put the memory in the wrong slot, it didn't recognize it. The frequencies couldn't match with the video cards. Yeah, and then if you got crazy, once you really got cocky, you started overclocking your shit, you're like, well you know it says 300 megahertz but i think i'd get

up to 350 and not burn it out but nowadays i just like max yeah it's way easier for for creative work and stuff it's way easier but they're way more expensive you know as long as you're not stupid you know mac minis though you can get a refurb for $400. That's way faster than any. Right, but if you want to get a laptop, man, you can get a badass fucking laptop for, like, $1,200 from Windows. Yeah, yeah. From Mac, you get the MacBook, which is, like, $1,000. It's still pretty good.

Man, $1,200, you can get a Windows laptop that has Blu-ray and has a one-terabyte fucking hard drive. And, you know, they have more shit, man. You get more bang for your buck if you buy a Windows one. More shit for your pennies. You know, the quality's not as good.

I mean, the thing about Macs is like if you get one of those Power Books, like the keyboard's badass. Like the way it's, the form factor's like really solid. Like the build quality's excellent. Like sometimes you get a PC laptop

and it's like plastic and it feels like it's falling apart and you're hanging it. There's definitely some,. Sometimes you get a PC laptop and it's plastic and it feels like it's falling apart. Sony's my favorite PC maker. There's high-end companies, man. There's high-end companies that make dope shit. Alienware. But it's important to have a bunch of different options, man. It's important for there to be

a Windows and a Mac and a Linux and a Unix. There should be more. There should be more different things that people can choose from and make these motherfuckers come out with the best shit quickest. Yeah, absolutely. Look how much better Windows is now. Why? Because of Mac's OS X. They had to catch up.

They had to come up with all this cool shit, all this stuff that looks cool to look at. I mean, all that is... People think that's nonsense. I don't need that. I just need a computer to work. That's all fun. That's a part of the experience. It makes the experience

it gives it more flavor. Just regular computing. I like when you go down to an application and it bounces up and when you load it, it goes doink, doink, doink. Yeah, it's part of the experience of having one. Yeah, it's fun. You know what's horrible? I was using a PC the other day

and it says, you know, you have updates. You know, click here to restart I was using a PC the other day, and it says, you know, you have updates. You know, click here to restart. Or it says restart later. And you're like, no, I don't want to restart now. Restart later. Every three minutes, that same window will pop up. Like, there's no way to just say, hey, leave me alone. I'll restart it when I want to.

This is on a PC? Yeah, this is on a PC. And I forgot. And it's got a time? No, no, I forgot how annoying that used to be. It was like, restart later. Restart now, you know? It's just like, come on, it said restart later a million times.

They're definitely not up to where Mac is, but I think they're a lot closer than they used to be. I think Windows 7 is supposed to be pretty goddamn close. This guy's asking about Mark Emery. A couple people are asking about him. Someone's saying Mark Emory, the Prince of Pot,

R.J. LeBlanc. Another guy's saying as a Canadian, I'm ashamed, we're extraditing Mark Emory. It's a black eye. He's a dude in Canada

that was selling pot seeds. He was selling seeds, just seeds on the internet. And seeds, you know, he had like no store. And he was selling them all over the world.

The United States, they wanted him arrested for being a drug dealer. For selling seeds? For selling seeds, yeah. Now they're going to all over the world. The United States, they want him arrested for being a drug dealer. For selling seeds? For selling seeds. Millions of dollars in trafficking. There's all the seeds that could have been turned into pot and could have been sold

and he's a drug dealer. For fucking seeds for a plant. It is so amazing. It's so amazing that they could pull that shit off. It's the dumbest thing ever. Just the whole idea that you can have anything that doesn't affect other people and you can make it illegal.

You can make anything illegal that doesn't... Why, why, how the fuck can you tell one person what they can and can't experience? It's pretty incredible. But yet you can buy booze. It's mind boggling that this is still going on. I would have thought that with the internet and everything, that this would all have been fixed by now. There's so much more access to information.

There's so much more transparency. We know how everything is supposed to be in place. We know the real history behind pot. How is it still here? How is that still going on, Tom? Fix that. Do it, Tom. Fix it, bitch. Do it right now. You're not that still going on, Tom? Fix that. Do it, Tom. Fix it, bitch.

Do it right now. You're not going to fix anything, Tom Segura. God damn it. It's crazy. It's like the Constitution. Page two. Page two. 2010.

It's like, when are we not going to have bad words? When are we not going to have ridiculous laws? You can't, for sure, you can't just go and make drugs legal. That can't happen. are we not going to have bad words? When are we not going to have ridiculous laws? You can't, for sure, you can't just go and make drugs legal. That can't happen. Because then people are going to sell the drugs everywhere. There's one thing that's good about drugs being illegal. The only thing that's good about it is that it's hard for those people to move around. Like when you're talking about heroin and meth and shit like that, it's hard for them to sneak around and sell that shit. Like if you watch that documentary, there's a documentary on OxyContin called the OxyContin Express. It's about Florida

where they have no database in Florida. So anybody can just get a doctor's prescription and go to these health management clinics and you get some OxyContin. You can go like a mile down the road to another one, get some more, another one. Yeah, they don't have a database connecting all these patients together. So all these people have problems with Oxycontin, you can go like a mile down the road to another one, get some more, another one. That's brilliant. Yeah, they don't have a database connecting all these patients together. So all these people have problems with Oxycontins. And they have like, it's a one-stop shop. They have the doctor and the pharmacy right there in the place. So you go in, you see the doctor, the doctor gives you a prescription, you go right next door, you get some heroin.

I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. You know what's amazing is that with weed, is that obviously the reason anything exists is because it generates cash flow. You know, people make money off of having something legal or illegal or why they allow something is because you can make money from it.

It makes you wonder, wouldn't they eventually make more money with weed being legal? Like, isn't that something that could be profitable? It wouldn't be profitable for everybody. The problem is you can't control it. See, if you're selling gasoline, I mean, you can't just get gasoline, man. You've got to go to the dude who is buying it from the dude who's pumping it,

I mean, or the one company that's pumping it and refining it and then shipping it. It's fucking very hard. What if they create that, I'm saying that, you know, business structure? Well, the problem you would have is you would probably have some sort of a deal that's very similar to what they have with farmers right now. Whereas, like, with farmers, like, say if you have, like, corn, you buy, like, corn seeds from Monsanto or whatever the fucking, you know, those companies are that have, you know, huge crop companies.

Well, they own those seeds, man. You can't like extract those seeds from this year's crop and then plant them again next year. Sure. No, they'll, they'll fucking sue you if you do that. Right. Like you're not, you're, you're not allowed to use those seeds again. They like lease you those seeds for like a season.

Right. It's really pretty crazy. Like they, they patent plants. And the thing about genetically modified, you know, foods, like there's, there's It's really pretty crazy. It is crazy. Like, they patent plants. And the thing about genetically modified, you know, foods, like, there's two concerns that people have. They have the concern

about diseases because, like, these things are immune because they're not natural. You create them. And what if they get diseases? And what if, you know, these diseases are

transmittable to humans or whatever? You know, what if, you know, there's animals that eat them and they get sick and, you know, whatever. Sure. But that's one concern that people have.

But the other concern is that someone's going to own the patent to fucking plants. You genetically modify, like, a type of corn or a tomato or something like that, and you get those seeds to a certain level where you want them, you can fucking copyright those. That's my corn. Yeah, that's their shit. That's unbelievable. So, like, if someone in another farm down the road, like, you know, maybe somehow or another,

seeds got into his farm, and they find that, you know, this guy is illegally growing corn with their seeds, they could put that guy in jail. For fucking seeds! How did anybody allow that to happen? So, if there was weed, would there just be too much cross?

I don't know. I mean, I just think at a certain point in time, the monkey would be out of the cage. If weed became legal, the problem is once weed becomes legal, you're never going to get that genie back in the hole. They would have to have some massive government campaign of propaganda and disinformation where people were smoking weed and jumping off cliffs and shooting themselves in the head. They would have to do something like that where mass chaos is forming because the marijuana of today is too strong. And you would have like fucking Dan Rather, is he still alive? He's alive. You would have one

of those dudes on TV talking about how all these mass suicides are happening all across the country directly linked to this new Alaskan AK-47 weed being sold in Southern California. He talked about, my brother was doing great, and then he just started smoking weed and jumped in front of the biggest car he could find. He waited. He was standing on the side of the road. I'm like, what are you doing, man? We're going to get a run across the highway. He's like, not yet, not yet.

Then he ran. Boom. He couldn't take it anymore. That's how good the weed is. And that's what we would see night and day. Every day. They would just, until the president got on TV and said, obviously, we've made a mistake. We need to pull back.

We need to gather up our resources. We need to look at this intelligently. We've got a situation. We made it. We tried it. Didn't work out. Okay? We know what's best for our country. We know what's best for our country.

We know what's best for our country. We did make $100 billion first. Yeah. Before, but now we're going to pull the plug on it. I think the problem is that the money would get distributed the wrong way. We live in a society right now that's controlled by a series of companies. And these gigantic corporations like oil companies, they're making so much money doing it this way that there's no incentive whatsoever

to change it would have to be a moment where they knew that we're like we're on like peak oil place you know where like literally we're running out of petroleum like there's no more left in the world there's no way we can keep this going and if we ever got to that space then they would have to do something but until they do they're not going to change shit man if we ever got to that space, then they would have to do something. But until they do, they're not going to change shit, man. If you switch to an agriculture-based society that's running off corn, ethanol, and you can make fuel out of hemp too, man. You can make all kinds of fuel. You can make oils out of hemp. You can make plastic out of hemp. You can make a particle board that's five times stronger than most wood. Like hemp is like a really strong wood. It makes incredible paper.

It makes incredible cloth. And it's all illegal. Shouldn't we be like way further along with solar power? Isn't that really effective? It's not as easy as it looks. Really? Yeah. It's hard to extract energy from the sun like that.

It's very difficult. I mean, they're much more efficient at it now than they were just a few years ago you know but it's still not quite there it's very looks I know about it because we were looking into it when I was living in Colorado you can't quite power a house on solar power it's very hard you have to have a lot of panels and to go straight solar it has to be sunny a lot like if it snows and rains for a few days you know you ain't getting any light my dad had it set up. He built his own

solar collectors and put it on his house and he just had it just so it heated his water and he's going to, I guess, do it sometime in the

future and have it do something like that where this is only going to do this, you know, but still it's like, hey, heat, you know, your heater would

My friend Tom did it in Oregon and he used windmills. Right. And he had so much power, he was generating power. He was selling it back. Come on. How come more people aren't doing that though? It's not cheap, man.

He was a director and he had a lot of money. And he had a badass farm up there and he put it all together. That's incredible. Yeah, pretty interesting. I had so much power. I'm selling it back to the power company. Yeah, yeah. He was a smart dude.

Very, very self-sufficient. He was funny, man. He was one of the few men that I've ever met in my life that does not like kids. Had kids and does not like them. Really?

Yep. How old are they? They're all adults now. Yeah, I think he started hating them around 12. He had kids. He said it ruined his relationship. He said it wasn't fun. He goes, it totally changes the whole them around 12. He had kids. He said it ruined his relationship.

He said it wasn't fun. He goes, it totally changes the whole relationship. I don't like kids. And he's got this new wife after he divorced his wife. And, you know, the kids are full grown. Divorced his wife. Got some new chick. He didn't want to have kids.

And he goes, I like her just fine. We get along terrific. I'm not going to bring any kids and fuck this up. Like, his kids just changed the whole relationship. Is he a movie director? TV director. TV director. He's a character, man.

But yeah, they don't quite have it to the point where you can be totally self-sufficient on just solar power. But couldn't, like, let's say, even if the... Isn't, I'm saying, the wind, you know, power so effective that, like, at least the government would invest more in using that? Maybe not every individual person, but they would want to use that more because it's cheaper than overtime buying. I don't know if it works that way because I think in order to have enough power

from windmills to power your house and keep all your shit going, you have to have pretty significant windmills. You can't have it for an apartment building for everybody in the fucking building that's going to be using all that power. For an office building, it's like, no, you need more power than that. You're not going to have windmills that aren't going to power a fucking office building. You know what I'm saying? You're going to need like a whole field of windmills, you know? It's

going to be ridiculous to the point where it's not economically viable. They have to consider all that shit. I think the problem is once we have a solution, we kind of stop looking at how to have a different way to do it. People go, well, we need to figure out cars that run on anything else. But we've got cars that run on gas. They're pretty bad at us. Really? You really want to fuck with cars that run on hydrogen?

I mean, they only get to the point where they have to do it. I think the future, because it seems like right now we're having so much electronics that we're using more and more and more and more power. But I think once the future catches up or the technology catches up, we're going to have less and less. Like, we're not going to have a stereo

and a phone and a TV. And we're just going to have one thing that does all this shit. Right. Perfect. So I think it's going to balance itself out. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. But I wonder when they have electric cars,

like they have that Tesla electric car. It's interesting. It doesn't handle that well. One of the reasons why it doesn't handle that well is because there's so much weight in the back. There's all these batteries in the back, and in the front there's nothing. Well, battery technology seems to be the one thing

that's kind of hit a wall completely lately, but I think it's just one invention away from going over that wall. Right, right, right. Yeah, I think you're right. I think they're going to come out with some fucking crazy new thing that allows you to get like a million times more information on a single cell. It can hold more energy. This battery lasts five years. Yeah, this battery will never die.

Can you imagine? But if you crack it open, it makes a black hole and it eats the air. You will lose your penis if you break this battery. You know, it's covered in the same shit that Wolverine's bones are made out of. It's edd bandium, you know? You can't get through it with bullets. You can run over it with a car and it won't break. But if it did break...

But whoever invents, whoever breaks that battery wall is a, like, that's the guy. That's the guy. That'll be the Bill Gates of, like, whatever. It's like the scene lost. And then blow up

that thing. Yeah. Back in time. Yeah, we're gonna, there's gonna be something within our lifetime that's gonna be so mind-blowing

that it's gonna change everything. You know, and you, like, we were talking about this Google thing, Google Buzz, that, you know, I was talking about Twitter, like, I was hoping Twitter was going to be it, right? But, like, what,

I didn't even know about Twitter two years ago. I didn't know about Twitter. I never even heard of it. What's funny is I knew about Twitter for a while, and I would use it, but then I was like, no, this is not that good. And then suddenly everyone started using it

at the same time. Yeah, it just caught the fuck on. I think also people realize it's better to make people, give them a limited amount of characters to choose from. Well, that's what's with this Google Buzz. That's the most important part of it. That's what's with this Google Buzz. It takes away that. It does.

Yeah. And it's like Twitter. How long can you type for? I don't think there is a limit. Oh, Jesus. But I don't know. I don't want to fuck it. Here's the thing, dude.

That's the difference between, for the most part, like, entertaining videos that people post online. Like, if someone's like, check out so-and-so, and that's somebody I know. And I look, and the time code starts getting up there. It's about his eight-minute short. I'm like, I don't want to watch this. I don't want this guy. Like, make it short, dude.

This is more like a Facebook status adding Facebook status updates, I guess, to, like, mix with Twitter. People are going to write fucking novels and that shit, man. Yeah, that is a problem, man. People are too goddamn verbose. I get emails from people with no paragraphs, just these floods of information.

They just love to hear themselves talk. What the shitty thing, though, is it takes their email address and takes all your contacts and makes it your friends and stuff like that. What? So what sucks is if you have your, you know, of course this only works on some people, but if you have a girlfriend and then you have your mistress

and you have, you know, your mistress's mom that you're all banging on, and then you have, like, all these three people that are now friends and reading each other's Twitter, Facebook pages, you know. Oh, that's how it is. That's silly. It just automatically does that too. When you sign up it's like automatic. This is one of the things we talked about a long time ago

is that we're getting to a point where there will be no more secrets. Where it's going to be impossible. The convergence of information from your life to my life and all the things that you know and all the things that I know and all the things I've seen and you've seen, we're going to share those eventually. Those things are all going to come together, and there's not going to be any secrets.

We're going to get to a point in, you know, the not-so-distant future where people are literally going to be able to read each other's minds. And it's going to be crazy, man, you know. I think that we're getting to some strange time right now in our society, in our culture, in our species. We're getting to some strange time where we're just dabbling in the edges of some new, crazy, great thing that's going to change everything. I mean, don't you feel like that? When you see the news and you hear about shit they're doing with the Large Hadron Collider, and you think about all the scientific experiments going on, all the shit they're doing with the Large Hadron Collider, and you think about all the scientific experiments going on,

all the shit they're doing with HAARP. I always feel like we're kind of at that fork where we're either about to experience something great, or there's impending doom, and some awful shit's going to happen. I mean, people have always felt like that, too, because we're so dumb, we will occasionally fuck up and shatter everything. I mean, look at what happened in World War II. Look at the fact that we really did drop atomic bombs on people.

I mean, that's so nonspecific. I mean, we hit entire cities. I mean, we weren't trying to just go after the military. We dropped giant weapons of atomic destruction on entire cities. I mean, that's pretty incredible. It's so recent, man. Yeah, man. It was like 9-11

for them in Hawaii when they dropped bombs on Hawaii. That was like 9-11. 70 years ago? That's not, I mean,

most times we talk about That's nothing. You talk, you know, hundreds of years ago. Civil War and shit. Yeah. It's really recent.

70 years ago, ain't shit, man. That's crazy. Can you imagine if Twitters and webcams were back then? You know what's really interesting is when you look into history, and not so distant history,

like look into the 1960s, and you see some of the shit that they were planning, like Operation Northwoods. Have you ever read that? Operation Northwoods, they were going to make fake attacks on American civilians, and they were going to attack Guantanamo Bay and tell people it was the Cubans, and so that would get everybody fired up about the war with Cuba.

Freedom of Information Act. It's Operation Northwoods. You should check Podcast 2 and 3. That sounds really interesting. It's got to be a bunch of them. It's crazy. Oh yeah, it's definitely a bunch of them. It was just released recently because of the Freedom of Information Act. It's like, you know, what they were able to do back then in the 50s and the 60s.

In the 50s, the government did a thing called Operation Midnight Climax, where they opened up brothels and they dosed people with LSD. The johns, these dudes would go there and fuck these hookers. They would go to these whorehouses that were run by the fucking CIA in New York and San Francisco. And they would douse these guys with acid. And then just like study them and take notes. These guys were on acid in a whorehouse. They just went after work to get their dick sucked

and they went on a 12-hour trip of death and destruction. Why are you fucking with that guy? He just wants that. Incredible. And this is something that was like a real experiment that the CIA ran. How do you find all this shit out? People send you. Some people send me things.

I learn about some stuff on Twitter. People send me some good shit on Twitter. I learn about some stuff from my message board. Learn about some stuff from interesting friends that read an interesting article and they're like, dude, you have to check this out. This guy made a fucking artificial finger and reattached it to him. There's always something nutty that some

guy's figuring out or some study that people are doing on. You know, it's amazing how much shit is out there. If you really start looking. Please send me something interesting.

Go to my board. You gotta see this dog fuck this chicken. Yeah, you gotta see the puppy fuck the chicken. That sounds really interesting. It is hilarious.

Puppy grabs his chicken, drags it into his, into his dog house and starts fucking the shit out of it. And the chicken's like, are you fucking shitting me? And the shit out of it. And the chicken's like, are you fucking shitting me? And the chicken tries to get away.

The puppy's like, bitch. The puppy grabs it, bites him, pulls him back in, and starts fucking him. It's one of my favorite videos ever. It's outstanding. Put it up, Brian. What kind of puppy is it?

Put it up. Brian's going to put it up, and I'll retweet it. Is it a... It's like a little, I don't know, it could be a lab. Who knows what it is? What is it?

A little white dog? Yeah, it's like a little... It could be a beagle. No, not a beagle. Yeah, or a Jack Russell or whatever it is. Maybe. I don't know, it could be a lab. Who knows what it is? What is it? A little white dog? Yeah, it's like a little... It could be a beagle. No, not a beagle. Or a Jack Russell or whatever it is. Maybe. I don't know. Who knows? It's a puppy. It's hard to tell what the hell they are when they're puppies. It's a cute little fella, though. I'll tell you that. Cute little fella fucking the shit out of a chicken.

You know, like, that's what nature's really all about. There's another video that I put on my Twitter recently. It was a walrus sucking his own dick. Oh, that's cool. It was outstanding, man. I hear they will crush their own young if they see some pussy they want on the other side of the beach. Really? Yeah, like if their own young can be in the way, they will trample and crush them before they get laid. That's how hard it is to find pussy in the walrus world. Yeah, man. Think about that. You're willing to kill your baby for something that looks like a walrus. Yeah.

Ugh. It looks exactly like a walrus. This walrus was sucking his own dick. It was ridiculous. His dick looked like Dave Chappelle's leg. It was like this long. And this walrus

was just deep throughout his own cock. I put that on my Twitter as well. It's pretty fascinating, man. All right, I just posted the video of the dog fucking a chicken on my Twitter as well. It's pretty fascinating, man. I just posted the video of the dog fucking a chicken on my Twitter backslash RedBan.

I think I put it up last night, so I don't know if I should retweet it. What is the rule on that? I think there's ants in my butthole right now. Either that or I just have an itch. It could be an itch. Holy cow, my coffee cup has ants all over it. Wow, I got an ant problem here, Brian.

Alright, I'm not going to retweet that. You can find that shit. Holy shit. What? Brian, sit down. Look at that. We're broadcasting. Go sit down.

Yeah. I see there's ants. Yep. Ah, that's fucked up. I think it was just for Brian, though. I know. Like, they haven't been messing with me yet. Oh, they're up up. I think it was just for Brian, though. I know. Like, they haven't been messing with me yet. Oh, they're up there.

I've got an ant problem. Motherfuckers. You know what it is? It rains. When it rains in L.A., they all come trying to find dry ground. And then all the ants, they're outside eating dead birds and shit. Now they're inside. Little motherfuckers.

Have you sprayed rain around or whatever that is? I will. I will tonight. inside. Little motherfuckers. Have you sprayed raid around or whatever that is? I will. I will tonight. It's amazing how ants are like these little monsters that live in your world and you allow them to live in your world because they're tiny. You know, because if ants were big, we would have fucking gigantic problems. Could you imagine if ants were like the size of rats? If they bit you and died? Imagine if they were that big. You know how terrifying that would be? Ants would rip your arms off if they were that big.

If ants were the size of rats, they're so strong, they would mangle you. They would drag you to the top of a tree and drop you off. We would all be dead. We would all be dead. And that's just, you know,

a few thousand times bigger than they are. And we just deal with the fact that they're in our little world and these colonies where we don't even know how to communicate with each other

and they all follow in a fucking straight line back to the hive and they got a queen in there and there's larva and eggs and that little fucking cunt she's shitting out new baby ants constantly while we're here talking somewhere in my house somewhere in my house i have to find out where it is probably and there's something going on in here somewhere under a plate somewhere they can't they can handle how much like hundreds of times their body weight yeah yeah hundreds of times they're monsters.

If ants were full-sized, like the size of a human or a dog or something like that, they would literally be like a scene from The Alien. They would just rip people apart and eat you alive. They would have no problem killing you. I mean, they're heartless, emotionless monsters. They just happen to be little monsters. But so are most animals.

Most animals are I mean you ever see like the shit chimps will do to each other you know you see shit

that dogs will do to each other or you know animals cannibalizing on each other I mean that shit happens all the time in the animal world

chimps rip rip other chimps apart yeah kill them eat them yeah they eat them and they will

if you chimps cannibalize their babies too sometimes do they their babies too sometimes. Do they, their babies? Yeah. I know they'll peel chunks of skin off of you like it's fucking bacon strips, man. Yeah, they're so strong.

They'll mangle you. You're like an old sheet to them. There was a chimp recently, a bonobo. Bonobos are supposed to be the really peaceful ones that fuck all the time. Yeah, they fuck all the time. They got video footage of a bonobo female cannibalizing her dead baby her baby died she just started eating it oh you know that's dark dude yeah that's dark that's spooky shit all right let's take some questions here i think we're already over the two hour mark yeah we're right uh how long do you do it for Two and a half hours. It's so fascinating. Such good talk here.

And it's 589 people. We're up to 788. Here's a good question this guy asked. Nick TKD2000 What do you think about Hollis Gracie getting effed up? Hollis Gracie is the great Gracie

the greatest Gracie ever supposedly is this guy Hollis Gracie, who's like the guy, was one of Hickson's original training partners. His son just entered the UFC and lost this weekend.

And everybody's like real down on the guy because he didn't have a very good performance and his, you know, his fight, you know,

he got kind of beat up and everybody expected more from him. But it ain't easy, man. It's not an easy fucking sport. You go in there, there's a tremendous amount of pressure on these guys, and it's hard for people to deal

with. And some people, they need to have some bad experiences so that they learn from it and then either bounce back or realize this isn't what I want to do. But some people, they just don't realize the magnitude of the event until they actually get there, until they're under the bright lights and they're actually fighting a guy. And then they're like, holy shit, what did I get myself into? That's got to be so crazy. Yeah, the adrenaline dump is tremendous. You get so nervous and so much adrenaline pumps out.

That's why a guy like Randy Couture has such incredible endurance. One of the reasons, besides the fact that he trained so hard, is that the dude is so relaxed. He's been there so many times. When he gets in there, he's not freaking out. Dumb question. Cannabis equals weed yes yes cannabis equals weed yeah you know the funny thing when marijuana was made illegal people most people don't even know this the congress didn't even know they were making marijuana illegal or they didn't know they were making cannabis illegal rather cannabis was like a hemp hemp was they used it for fiber they used it to make clothes

and all kinds of different things and when when it was made illegal, it was because they started printing in the paper stories saying that blacks and Mexicans were smoking this new drug and they were raping white women. And that's what got people into, that's how it got people behind the whole anti-marijuana movement. That's where Reeve for Madness, all that shit came from. So I have those posters up on my wall. I've got all those videos. Reefer Madness, they're goddamn hilarious. They're amazing.

If you haven't seen them, you've got to see what kind of shit they put out. And they put it out just because they wanted to make sure that people didn't... It's like,

there's a lot of bad things that can happen if you're in control and people get a hold of pot. And, you know, there's good things to keeping it illegal, you know.

You can make much more money with pharmaceutical drugs. You can sell people what you want to sell. You can control those drugs. And, you know, you can't control shit if marijuana becomes legal.

It's something anybody can grow. It's, like, real easy to grow. I've met idiots that grow weed, you know. Yeah.

It's not hard. Yeah. You know, you can figure it out. People can't get their life together at all, but they can grow some weed. It's just, economics You can figure it out. People can't get their life together at all. They can grow some weed. It's just economics.

That's the real reason why marijuana is illegal. But blacks and Mexicans will rape white women if they do smoke weed. White guys will rape white women too. Oh, yeah. Bananas. Same thing, bro. Reefer Madness rocks. I agree, young man.

It was also the paper company. Yes, newspapers, yeah. It was William Randolph Hearst. William Randolph Hearst owned the newspaper companies. He owned Hearst Publications, but he also owned printing, rather, paper mills. And so he had forests filled with trees. And when they wanted to convert everything over to hemp paper,

because hemp makes a much better paper, he did not want to do that. It would have cost him millions of dollars. It would have fucked up his whole business. He would have had to chop all his trees down and then start planting hemp. And then he'd be in competition with all these other people that are making paper.

It was an economic decision. So when he was getting people to ban marijuana, they didn't even know they were banning hemp, this industrial plant that they had been using for hundreds and thousands of years. It's really kind of fascinating that the propaganda that that guy created in the 1930s when he owned all the newspapers is really still in place today. I mean, people still believe it today. It's a pretty brilliant business strategy, too, right? He was a motherfucker, man.

Yeah. I mean, that was the guy that Orson Welles made that movie Rosebud about. No, what was the movie? Citizen Kane. Wait made that movie Rosebud about. No, what was the movie? Citizen Kane. Wait, isn't that, is that Hughes, though? Howard Hughes? I thought it was William Randolph Hearst. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's Hearst, yeah.

So Hearst is the one who... Yeah, that's the guy. I mean, he was just like the guy, he was like the first motherfucker that controlled everything. Yeah. That is really fascinating, though, that it was a paper. Yeah. I mean, really amazing. Brian, are you getting chew it was a paper. Yeah. I mean it's really amazing. Brian, are you getting chewed up with ants?

Yeah. I think there must be an ant hill underneath this carpet. I think you can relax fella. Settle down. It's fucking bad. They're going to get so bad man. They're eating me man. And those girls right now, they're yelling at you.

Girls are telling you to suck it up. It's just an ant. Wow. You got ants in your asshole. Whoa. Damn dude. Did they say yelling at you. Girls are telling you to suck it up. It's just an ant. Wow, you have ants in your asshole. Whoa, damn, dude. Is that what they said to you? You do have ants in your asshole, though. It feels like I have at least two. Let's see them.

They're kissing. Wow, this show's going downhill fast. Way to go, Brian. Well, it's over two hours. We should never go over two hours. Don't tell me what to do. We're partying. We should totally stay at two hours. We're in the groove right now. It gets to the Well, it's over two hours. We should never go over two hours. Don't tell me what to do. We're partying now. We should totally stay two hours.

We're in the groove right now. It gets to the point where it's just like... You think? Yeah. That's when you don't have to watch anymore. Faggot. Go tune into something else. Alright, we'll answer one more question

then we'll get the fuck out of here. Because, yeah, it's almost three hours, actually. Brian's getting phone calls. Where are you? Where are you, Brian? People who are watching the video with the walrus suckers on deck now. See, I told you. This shit is real, homie.

This shit is real. It's out there. It sounds amazing. Nice. You got to watch it man how come you haven't watched it already cause you're not on

the Rogan board you can watch the puppy and the chicken please you can watch the puppy and the chicken now this is the part that if we were doing a podcast

and it was an audio podcast I would say we should edit out the last 20 minutes cause they didn't they didn't talk about jack shit see that's why I'm saying

it should be that way I think yeah we should time this motherfucker we should time this motherfucker. We should time it for two hours, ladies and gentlemen, because this is ridiculous. We're bored, you're bored, I'm bored.

So I think we're going to end now. Tom Segura, any last things to say to all these nice people? Join your Twitter. Come on, brother. Join my Twitter. Thank you for being with me. Come see me at, I'm here at, oh, I'm at the Enmore Theater in Australia.

Oh, shit. Shit, I'm at the Enmore Theater In Australia Oh shit Shit I'm at the Enmore Theater In Australia Next Saturday night Tom Segura will be with me At the Enmore Theater In Sydney Australia

Drinking Fostas We'll Yeah We're throwing shrimps On the bar Be like a motherfucker Come to my website TomSegura.com

S-E-G-U-R-A.com JoeRogan.net Is mine As you can spell it out On my shit And Am I doing a show in Boston in August yes

most of the time when there's a UFC I'll do a show the day before the UFC it's very convenient so that's it ladies and gentlemen thank you very much

for tuning in I know this shit is haphazard it doesn't start on time and it goes too long and there's a lot of rambling but you know this is what it is

this shit is free and I do it because I love you and it's fun. Thanks for being here, Tom Skura. And it's always more interesting, right, when it's not just me

talking to you. Alright, my friends, until next week. We'll see you next Wednesday. Oh, next Wednesday I got a flight to Australia so I'll probably do this again next Tuesday.

So, holla back, bitches. Thank you very much and I'll see you next week.