The Joe Rogan Experience - #80 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: February 15, 2011

Joe sits down with Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir.

The Joe Rogan Experience Kicking it live Damn these mics are hot as fuck Kicking it live from the Rogan compound With my man Ari Shafir Ari motherfucking Shafir is in the house Ladies and gentlemen A-R-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him on Twitter.

Joe Diaz, Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Planet Rock, a.k.a. Joey Karate. He's here as well. Brian Reichel, Brian Redband, R-E-D-B-A-N. Who's singing this? Whose song is it? What's going on now? It's background music.

Did you make that song, Brian? No, it's my laptop. Yeah, we did. Combination between garage band and guitars. Yeah, we haven't been playing music. We're trying to clean it up for satellite radio, which may or may not ever happen. Hopefully it will. Looks like it's happening.

Whatever, bitches. Much respect to the Fleshlight, our sponsor, before we even get started, before we get groovy with you bitches. If you go to JoeRogan.net, what's that, buddy? There it is in the corner. That's one of them. They're all over the place. There's one over here, too.

This house is littered. Mrs. Rogan comes in there the other day and looks at all of them. She goes, is there enough of these? That's what she looks at them. She goes, these? That's how she looks at them. She goes these that's how she looks at them like This is like her competition that she has to accept like little things that live in her house that I fuck House is full of baby dolls and male dildos. Yeah, what's up? It's filled with child's toys and dick toys

Big fat box of dick toys if you go to Joe Rogan net click the link for the flashlight you go to their website Type in the word Rogan, you get 15% off. So I'm looking out for you, bitches. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get you some discounts on your masturbation. Holler at me, Joe Diaz. Can't call it. You know what I'm saying?

You got to do what you got to do. If you can save 10 points and whack off at the same time, who's better than you? You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. We had a good goddamn time last weekend in Vegas. Holy shit, was that fun. Yes, we did. Nice. That was a good goddamn time last weekend in Vegas. Holy shit, was that fun. Yes, we did. Nice.

That was a good fucking time. These guys dropped acid. They were up in the stands watching with big fucking smiles on their face. I don't know when I found out that they dropped acid. Did I find out at dinner? I tweeted you during the UFC. Yeah, but I don't get tweets. I mean, texts.

Texts to me. You texted me. Yeah, so that's how I found out. Did I respond to you? No, it was like the last half hour, but I don't get tweets. I mean, texts. Texts to me. You text to me. Yeah. So that's how I found out. Did I respond to you? No. It was like the last half hour, right? No, you looked.

You looked. No, that's when you turned up, I thought. Turned up and waved at us. Oh, okay. Then I must have known. You know, we're sitting in the drawer. Ari came over one day. We're talking about something awesome.

I go, it's going to be great this weekend. And as I'm talking to him, I open up the drawer and I go, Ari, look. And there were seven hits of acid. I go, Ari, what if we drop the acid? And he's like, oh, I don't know. And I go, every time somebody gets hit, we'll feel it. That was the original fucking plan at first. So then we were like, well, what do you think about Red Band?

Well, we don't know. Then we're saying, man, we should fucking dose them. Yeah, maybe we got to put on some popcorn. We'll just take them for the ride. And then we said, nah, because I know it's hard. He'll have 911. Fuck it. He's my little brother.

Acid's a little different. You don't want to dose somebody with acid. I've made a decision just not to do it anymore in my life because I've gotten to a point where my brain, I just want to keep my brain a little bit together now. A little bit together. Stay stable. Let me tell you something about this stuff.

This stuff is very mild. That was kid stuff. That was kid stuff. That was kid stuff. That was kiddy stuff. Yeah, well, if you took two hits and you were still being able to sit there, then it had to be shady. Very mild. Very mild. It came in spurts and bursts.

It was very nice. Up, down, up, down. The lights fucked with you. What's his name? Voice fucked with you from time to time. Buffer. Buffer. He really vibrated you.

He vibrated you. And that video before the UFC starts. Oh, that was powerful. There was a part where Ari looked over and goes, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The best was when I was pissing in the fucking bathroom. What was it? The UFC video when it first starts where it's like. They sent it to the Who, American Teenage Wasteland.

Bob O'Reilly singing the song. Yeah, they sent all the beats, all the punches to the drum hits. Yeah. You realize how brilliant something is sometimes when you're high. What is it about that? Why do you have to get high to realize that?

I don't know. It seems silly. When you're sitting there and you're straight at a UFC and it starts, and we're on such a Zufa and all that shit, you feel it. Yeah. When we did the acid, it was a different fucking level.

We felt everything. Isn't it funny how, like, you go to movies, and if you go to the movies and you're on acid or on pot or anything, you could see bad acting? Yeah. Really easily. That's why we watched Domino that night. That's why we sat there and watched Domino with fucking Mickey Rourke and Cara Knightling.

And it was interesting. It was interesting. It was from a different angle. You're watching acting. So I'm sorry I interrupted you. So what were you saying? You were saying you guys are there. You're on acid.

And then the Bob O'Reilly starts playing, which is if you've never seen it, never been to a live UFC. It's really brilliant. Whoever edited it, it's like some of the highlights of some of the greatest fights ever, and it's all put together to the who. It's fucking, it's one of the greatest videos humans have ever seen. And it's the perfect volume to rip you apart. Fuck. You can hear it, but it doesn't really bother you.

Dana and I were watching that the other day, and I go, dude, I think I've seen this a fucking thousand times, and I still love it. I never stop watching it. Love it. If you're there live 10 minutes before the UFC actually starts, you have to be in your seat. It's so good, too. Whoever did it, you can tell that guy loves fights. He nailed it.

The perfect beats to the perfect fucking punches and kicks. It gets you pumped up, definitely. Fuck yeah, it does. Dude, I'm telling you, it never wears out. I've seen it hundreds of times. I don't know how many times I've seen it. I've seen it, I mean, every UFC start, I've done at least 100 UFCs.

And you're there. You're not gone getting food when that's happening. Yeah, because between spikes, between spike nights and regular UFCs, I think I've done over 100. So I've been over 1,000 fights. Well, here's the best. When you're there and you're tripping.

Like I said, when you're there as a civilian, and all of a sudden it just goes from Bob O'Reilly and it locks down. And all of a sudden you hear, and all of a sudden you just see a picture of Anderson Silva saying, when I go in that thing tonight, I'm going to knock his fucking mouth off. Now, think about it on the acid. Now his head just came out. And I think it was Vito that came out first. And it was just

a fucking head walking along the street. I thought it was fucking Marlon Brando in Superman. Remember when he had the fucking heads around him? It was like that was it. You're going down in New York City, cocksucker. And they were judging him and it was

just heads. Well, that's the brilliance about it. That at one point in the UFC as a civilian, it just gets very dark. And also, it's just the perfect timing. Also, you see a head pop out and go, tonight, I'm going to take him, pound him, submission. You're like, whoo! The crowd goes nuts.

Yeah, you just go nuts. And they keep showing little tidbits. Then they show the Vidor. Then they went to Jon Jones. Then they went to Jake Ellensburg. It was just so well done. Every time they show a new fighter, the crowd explodes again. And when you watch another sporting event now, it's so below that par.

I went to a Laker game last year against Wade Wade's team. Miami Heat. It was a fucking great game. But there was a lot of lows in it. There's a lot of lows in it. At the UFC, even when Bruce Buffer says, do what you got to do. Go for 22 fucking minutes.

You have a blast. You go get a hot dog, right? We are you. Go get a fucking thing. Go now. We're up before the fucking game starts. That's huge that they tell you. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, that's courtesy.

And what that is, folks, for the folks that don't know, sometimes we have a certain amount of prelim cards, but then the main card starts at, say, like, you know, 7 p.m. And if the main card starts at 7 p.m., we have to have, if the prelims are all done, sometimes you've got 20 minutes before the fights are supposed to start. So we don't start fights early. We have to

wait until pay-per-view starts. Sometimes you get like five first-round knockouts in the early fights. Yeah, and they're just like... We run out quick. And it was weird because this particular UFC started off, I think, with Gabe Rudiger and whoever he fought. And Paul Taylor. He got beat up fast.

And then Kingsley came out against Romero and hit him with violent gladiator fucking knees to the body. And like fucking bam, you could feel the thrust. Kyle Kingsbury. And again, as a civilian, you could feel the fucking kidney strikes. I can't have the acid.

I remember finding myself like this. And also I looked around and I had to adjust myself. What's going on? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Plus, because you're watching Kingsbury even when you're not high. That dude's a specimen. Oh, my God. Specimen.

Shredded. He's got like a fucking solid 12-pack. He's got a 12-pack on his back. He's one of those dudes. Like, you look at his back. There's all these crazy striations in there. He was a super athlete. He was a linebacker.

He was you and shit. Those fucking football players, man, they're on another level. It's another level of athleticism. And Kingsbury smashed that dude. He's one of those guys, every time you see him, it's like he's been training for three years. You know, he makes these leaps in a couple of months. It looked like, yeah. All those super athletes, man, the John Jones dudes, those guys, they make these giant leaps.

You know, there's some dudes that just get so good so quick. You know, when you watch, like, John Jones, the first fight that he had, or even the fight with Stefan Bonner, yeah, he looked promising. But Bonner made it to the distance. I mean, he beat Bonner up and everything like that and did some wild stuff. But people are like, wow, this kid's wild. He's unorthodox. But then you see him now and you go, fuck, man.

This kid is on another level. Dude, another. The way he handled Brandon Vera and, you know, I mean, his last fight just proved it. Brian Bader's a fucking stud and he just manhandled that kid. He was on top of him. Every time there was an exchange, he was on top, controlling the position. He was never remotely threatened. And squeezing.

Yeah, that kid's a beast, man. Ryan Bader is a fucking gorilla. Dude, you just stand next to that guy. He's one of the biggest 205ers out there. And the fact that Jon Jones was able to handle him like that. There was like a half second where there was like a scrum. Like he tried to flip and didn't get him all the way over. And then Jon Jones got out of that and it was done.

Yeah. It was done. And Jon Jones has two brothers and both of them are fucking football player bad motherfuckers. Yeah. His whole family's got like super genes, you know? When I was standing there that night, he had two brothers that are bigger than him. Yeah. His whole family's got super genes. When I was standing there that night, he had two brothers that are bigger than him. I guess he has a baby brother or whatever.

In the 1975 NBA playoffs, one of those years, Darryl Dawkins, remember Darryl Dawkins? He was 6'11". He used to smash the backboards. Right. He was 6'11", 290. I remember that. And he got into a brawl with Maurice Lucas, and all of a sudden they showed his family coming down from the stands.

And he had two brothers and a sister bigger than him. Oh, my God. And they were from fucking Florida. You know, you with those motherfuckers. Oh, my God. They were just throwing security at Portland. They were all nice white people up there in Portland. These four fucking fucking people were just throwing them.

Just throwing them, dog. Huge. Six foot 11. 11. Jesus Christ. Was smashing fiberglass. Six foot 11. 11. Jesus Christ. Was smashing fiberglass. Yeah. Yeah.

Unheard of before. You know what I'm saying? He would hang on them, just crush them. They were glass, weren't they? They were breaking them. Glass was fucking. Super reinforced. Yeah.

That guy was fresh out of the jungles of fucking. What did they do back then? What? When the glass breaks. Did they stop the game? Stop the game. They just roll it out and they roll another one get the fuck out of here

he got fined how much did he get fined I don't know maybe 10 grand that's so worth it though that's how we know about it luckily they don't all do that that would be so douchey it's kind of a douchey move you can do it by accident

Shaq would just smash through it there's something you can really try to break it. Does Shaq smack him occasionally? Yeah, but not on purpose. He just fucking. Brian, what's that crazy noise? Digs so hard down. I'm looking in and do it.

Oh, okay. He hasn't done it in a while, though. When it was his first couple years, he used to do it. He's so big, dude. I met him a couple of times. I first met him at the UFC and I met him. He did an episode of Fear Factor with me and he did the countdown. You know, like three, two, one, go.

Standing next to me, dude, it looked like we were two totally different things. We met him in Boston. We ran into him at the hotel. Yeah, that's true. He's giant. He's so big, man. He's so big, it's ridiculous. I feel like a little child.

Well, this dude, Darryl Dawkins, played for the Sixers, and then he got traded to the Nets. And when he moved to New Jersey, he got hooked on fucking powder. Did he really? The kid that would sell him the powder was the sneaker kid. He was the ball kid on the Nets at that time. This kid ran a tremendous scam because the players on contract,

after every game, they put on new sneakers and they throw them away. This kid would take every sneaker and take it into the city and sell it. But one of his jobs as a ball boy was to get Daryl Dawkins powder. That was it, Brian. Whatever you did. And we all met. And I remember one night he took us to Daryl Dawkins' house.

Daryl Dawkins showed me a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14-mile fucking carrot dashboard. No way. A gold dashboard? Bro, this dog was so That is so financially irresponsible. You have no fucking idea in those days. Wow. Then his wife died later on. He came back before.

A couple years there, I went over to his house like three times. He lived in Seacaucus, New Jersey. Big pimping with the motherfucking 14-carat dashboard and shit. Wow. That's ridiculous. That is ridiculous, Doug. You gotta love it, though. What is it about black people and shiny things? I don't know. They don't give a fuck,

though. Don't live in a tent to have a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14. Their kids will starve. As much as rock stars like to rock it and like to look badass, they don't go that deep. They don't go diamonds. I heard a theory on that. It's that black people, rappers and stuff, they're just doing what they

thought about was rich when they were little. So it's always them holding like a bowl of like sugar cereal and cars and hot booty women. Yeah, but it's like, oh, this looks like rich stuff. Rashid Wallace got a urinal installed in his house. Nothing wrong with that. That's probably a good move. Especially one of those splashless.

Splashless urinals. Save water. They have like a little move, especially one of those splashless. Splashes the urinals, put the cake in there. Save water. They have like a little disc, a little UFO you piss on. Somehow or another, it goes somewhere. You don't have to rinse it with water. Yeah, that's like the latest eco thing. But it's been rejected by plumbers. Plumbers don't like it because it cuts back on the maintenance,

so they try to say it's unsanitary. But in actuality, the other ones are more unsanitary. How weird is that? Yeah. There's been studies, Joe Diaz, studies on piss. Let's talk about urine. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid in the first house I moved into North Bergen,

a nice big one, we had a fucking bidet. Really? Did you really? Yeah, that's banging and shit. When I was about eight or nine or ten, I used to go over there and take a shit in my mother's bathroom and turn the bidet on and hit you in the fucking face. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah. But then you put your little muffler on that bidet. You get that little hot water going. That was the first time I ever had that little creaky in your little muffler. But then you blast it hard. Ooh, your asshole's spotless. You can feel it shiny. I was about 10.

That's when my asshole used to shine. You know what I'm saying? I use my bidet for carrying magazines. You don't use it, though? You never wash it? You have one? Yeah, I got one. I would use that shit every day.

It's so much better than wetting toilet paper. Oh, I know. It just seems so bizarre. I am so sick of sticking toilet paper. Seems un-American. Seems like you're giving it in to the French. What am I doing here? I'm not supporting my own.

What am I doing here? What, a roll of goddamn toilet paper is not enough for you, Rogan? Yeah, I feel like I'm not supporting my own. No, I don't use some French bullshit But they is nice right? Yeah Washer seems like a lot of a commitment when you wipe your butt. It's like so well Yeah, I know it's still stinky and gross, but I don't Had some fucking soap in that mother. Well, I use baby wipes. Have you ever been about my butt? What have you ever been about the fuck and realize my ass?