The Joe Rogan Experience - #803 - Joey Diaz & Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 31, 2016

Joey “CoCo” Diaz is a Cuban-American stand up comedian and actor. Together with Lee Syatt, he also hosts a podcast called “The Church of What’s Happening Now” available on Spotify.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, we're here with Lee Syatt and Joe Diaz. My name's Joe Rogan and I host a podcast called The Experience. Dude, this poster you just brought me in. Joey Diaz just brought me in one of the dopest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. It is a poster with Leonard Skinner and the Rolling Stones. And we were talking about this on the way in here. The Nebworth Festival from 1976. America's Confederate Rockers, Leonard Skinner.

And then underneath it, it says, along with the best rock and roll band in the world, Britain's own Rolling Stones. Which is kind of weird. Because you've got one band that's the headliner. They're the biggest picture. And then it says the other band's the best band in the world. How high are we?

No, it's just they didn't know. They didn't know. They had no fucking idea the power that these guys were bringing over. They had been on the road opening up to Ted. Ted was a powerhouse in 76. Ted Nugent? Oh. Cat Scratch Fever.

Oh, you know, Free Fall, Cat Scratch Fever, and then the live album. Stranglehold. Stranglehold. To this day. Nobody was messing with, he was hunting, he was eating what he hunted. Nobody had heard these things. He was hunting with some shitty ass equipment too. They had like old school archery bows back then, like recurves and like real shitty compound bows.

Did he have like the whole compound then with like the animals and like the fakers? His family has had property in Michigan. He's got a couple places. He's got one place in Florida and he's got one place in Michigan and they're both like these gigantic private hunting grounds. He didn't do any coke. He just took all his money

and he bought just a giant chunk of land. And then he's got one in Texas now. No booze, no cigarettes, no nothing. He doesn't do any of that? He doesn't party at all? No. No. I think he drinks a little wine.

He's fucking crazy. But when those guys try to debate him, did you ever see Ted Nugent versus Pierce Morgan? No. On Gun Control? No. He lit him up like a Christmas tree. Because Pierce Morgan didn't have all pierce morgan is like you know he he's a proper sounding british guy but like

when it gets to the fucking red line when it gets the red line of arguments he falls apart like ben shapiro ate him up and ted nuget ate him up a lot of the conservative guys that are like really slick smooth talkers they can eat him up when they Nugent ate him up. A lot of the conservative guys that are like really slick, smooth talkers, they can eat him up when they get into the really like high revs of the conversation because he didn't understand that a lot of the gun deaths is also bad guys that are shot by guns, like people that are shot by cops, like all that stuff is sort of calculated it in. Like he didn't understand. He didn't have all his facts in order.

So if you're arguing with a guy like Nugent, who does these kind of arguments with people, like gun control arguments, he's got, like, his words down to a T. He's done a couple of these. Did one of them in a gun store. They were in a gun store. Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Play some of that. It's hilarious. I'm on a rock and roll stage. I just sang a song about feisty p***. I mean, you've got to be kidding me. On a rock. Did you ever see Richard Pryor live? How about Sam Kinison? How about Lenny Bruce? I'm one of them. Get over it. That's some funny for a man who is a who is a patriot who purports to love his country. That was quite shocking disrespect. Let me put it in official CNN.

Piers Morgan. Yes, shall I? Yes. Anybody that wants to disarm me can drop dead. Anybody that wants to make me unarmed and helpless, people that want to literally create the proven places where more innocents are killed called gun-free zones, we're going to beat you. We're going to vote you out of office or suck on my machine gun. You can take it whichever way you want. Much as I'd love to suck on your machine gun, the whole point of your defense is that a lot of people do drop dead precisely because you are armed to the teeth and you'd like everybody else to be. Not true at all.

Here, write this down. See, you're so rich. You write this down. Eighty people a day die in America from gunshot. And 75 of them to 78 of them, statistics by the Uniform Crime Report by the FBI and the UN study on violent crime, 78 of those 80 are let out of their cages by corrupt judges and prosecutors who know that recidivism is out of control, know that they'll commit the crimes again, and they let them walk through plea bargaining, early release, and programs.

Kiss my ass. Where you have the most armed citizens in America, you have the lowest violent crime rate. Where you have the worst gun control, you have the highest crime rate. Peers, choose one. Do you want a lot of crime? We have it. Gun-free zones.

Do you want less crime? We have that. More people with concealed weapons permit. Why do you guys resist that statistic? Well, don't say you guys. It's you guys. No. Unless you're playing the devil's advocate. I can play any advocate I like. It's my show. You're doing a fine job.

Right. You're playing the idiot's advocate here. It's not the idiot's advocate. More guns equals less crime. Period. Unless I'm wrong, and I don't want to kiss your ass at this point, if you don't mind. Unless I'm wrong with your argument, you're basically saying that 90% of the gun crime comes from people let out of prison. It's 96%, by the way, but go ahead.

But they still have to get access to firearms. If you had your way, there would be 10 times as many firearms, right? Not true at all. You want everyone in America to want a gun? Not at all. I've never said this. So what's your position? And I've got to tell you.

What is your position? And I hope you don't edit this out. Whenever I've done interviews with guys that are inclined to be anti-gun, they always go, well, Nugent wants everybody to have a machine gun. Nugent wants all the deer dead. What does Nugent want? Not even close. What do you want?

What I want is the Second Amendment. We the people, free individuals to have the right to keep and bear arms for self-defense. Find fault with that. Shut him down. He's too good at that shit. The argument is just too weird. It's just a weird argument. I see both sides of it.

If nobody had guns, if there's no guns, nobody getting shot. But I think people would be like machete-ing people more and shit. They'd do something. They'd do something. So they're saying 75 out of 80 gun deaths are criminals and bad people? I don't know what the real numbers are, but that's what he was saying in that argument. He was saying something along those lines.

The people that die when we talk about people that die in gun deaths, a lot of the people that die in gun deaths Are cons ex-cons people out of jail people have already committed violent crimes in their life, which makes sense Most of the violent shit's going to be happened by people with a history of violence well, it's crazy the the penalty you get for like a Ex-felon with a gun like gucci mane just get out after two years This other guy has been in prison like you can go to prison for like seven years like there's a guy who said he's prince's son he's in prison

for seven years and he had he was a felon in possession of a handgun let me ask you this when it's a guy like gucci main who's a big time public character right he's a famous guy right got ice cream tattooed on his face he's fucking crazy right when a guy like gucci gets caught for something like that do you think they make an example out of him? Do you think that they take that guy? Well, in New York, you already have that law.

The whatever law. You get caught with a firearm, you do two years. Just period? Period. I don't know exactly what the parameters of the law, the Brady Law or something.

You do two years. You don't even go to court. It's two years automatically if you get caught with a gun without a permit. I don't know exactly the parameters. Does that keep people from doing crimes? What's that? That two years? Yeah.

That carrying a gun for two years in New York? Yes and no. Yes and no, right? Yes and no. Some people carry a gun and all of a sudden they go, you know what, I'm not going to. What I do for a living, whatever, I don't know. You know, it's like you're saying Gucci man right now. Right.

He's a high profile guy. You know, you're out at night. You see some crazy shit at night. There's times I'm driving after one and I'm like, I should have carried a fucking gun tonight. You know, just in case. Just in case. You never know. I don't know if...

Look, we were just talking about when you came in, about Denver and Texas. The make my day law. I know people who have moved to Colorado for that law. You know, put that YouTube on real quick. Did you ever see the video of Sonny Liston pulling a gun on Mahoney? Yes, you put it on the other day.

Have you ever seen that before? Never before. No, no, you mean Tony told me about it? Never before. No, Tony told me about it. Yeah. Hinchcliffe told me about it. We were at the Ice House and I was like, you gotta be kidding me. There's a video of this?

Play that. We'll play both of them. I wanna hear that. Today we're gonna just play some shit. I wanna hear the redneck Look at this. So he was apparently

like screaming shit at Ali everywhere he went and Sonny Liston was just tired of his bullshit. The whole situation finally came to a head when Clay

approached Liston at the Desert Inn in Las Vegas where the champ was shooting craps and losing. Liston was in no mood to be harangued by the mouth from the south. Drawing a gun, Sonny fired, frightening his young tormentor into a hasty retreat. The gun was filled with blanks. Holy...

Come on, son. That is one of the craziest things you're ever going to see in your life. Who pulled a gun out on Ali? In the middle of a casino. In the middle of a casino, shot it in the air, and then said, look, it's just blanks, no big deal. Wanted to go back to his crap game. Like, dude, what kind of environment did that dude grow up in? Dog, I used to know a lot of people that would carry fucking starter pistols and shit. In the 70s, just to get the fuck out of there, they would carry those type of pistols.

Because you never know. Right. But what happens if the other guy has a real one? Then you're fucking dead. Then you're fucked. Then you're fucked. But that Sonny Liston thing was so crazy. First of all, how casually he did that. He did it so casually. And then how he shot his

jacket to let everybody know it was just blanks. Like, come on, relax. Like, no big deal. Let's just go back to the game right like he just went back to the game We didn't go I got to get the fuck out of here right now for TMZ shows up dog Let me say some nobody runs quicker when they hit gunshots to black people they fucking they react they react exactly They know what time it is and they have fucking that shit look up. He just shoots it in the end. They all run well It just shows you, like, Ali was so crazy. But then didn't Ali

shoot a gun at Frazier in Africa? Did he? Somebody shot somebody in Africa. Not shot, but pulled up to the hotel with a gun in Africa. Whether it was Foreman or Frazier, somebody. When Ali was in his hotel room, they went over. It was Frazier. What?

Frazier went over there with a gun and pointed it up at the building and shit. Really? Either or, or something crazy like that. God, dudes were just putting guns on each other back then. People weren't ready for Ali in the 60s when he's not playing We had like that. They just weren't ready for him. He would just talk look at me still tormenting them the casino Still tormenting them the casino like the megaphone out of the bus window Yeah, exactly and that was in front of his house. He pulled up on his lawn

Yeah, he told me that's what he was doing. He would bust a like champ Yeah, I'm the world or something crazy? I know, like, I'm telling you, man, I think McGregor takes it to a very high level, but you got to go back and look at the old Ali stuff.

Maybe sometimes I forgot how good it was because nobody had been like that before him. He showed up with the gorilla face and he insulted Joe Frazier. What does it say? The most colorful fighter?

Yeah. World's most colorful. Cassius Clay, the world's most colorful fighter. And this was back before he'd even changed his name. Cassius Clay. Wow. It's crazy, man. It's crazy that that was in our parents' lifetime.

And it seems like a different world. Wasn't in your parents' lifetime, and it seems like a different world. What do you mean your parents' lifetime? I'm an old man, though. I still remember fighting him for Asia. I still remember being a little kid going home, living in New York City. What year was that? What year was Sonny Liston? I want to say that was when I was a baby, like I was 67.

Like it's 1967 or something. I don't know. When did he win the title? What year was it? When he beat Sonny Liston? Yeah. Now Sonny Liston was fucking crazy. Oh yeah.

He's the one that they didn't even know how old he really was. No, no one knew how old he was. He could have been fucking 90. He could have been 30. He's like a Cuban dude. Their first fight was in 64. Second was in 65.

64. So I wasn't even born yet. So it was three years before I was born. And that was a different world, man. It's a different world. You're watching that video, you're like, wow. Like America was just a different place. So when Cassius Clay was fighting, all of the country would just stop. Like everyone, everywhere would just watch the fight.

Well, I remember when I was a kid, I was living in San Francisco, of the country would just stop like everyone and everywhere would just watch the fight well i remember when i was a kid i was um living in san francisco and my parents went we went way out of our way to make sure that we watched tv because sunny liston and muhammad ali not sunny listen um leon spanks and muhammad ali were having the rematch and the rematch was a big thing to everybody because muhammad ali was such a hero he was so much more than just a fighter especially then because he had gone over the three years of not fought because he didn't want to go to Vietnam what year was that Leon's to and Muhammad Ali is in the early 70s I want to say we got had no teeth yeah Leon had

no to Michael was the one that fought yeah tyson that tyson knocked out in atlantic city yes right yes that's michael spinks michael spinks was the the jinx he was the former light heavyweight champion he was a light heavyweight champ for many years he's a really good light heavyweight really good boxer very smart and beat larry holmes for the heavyweight title but he really wasn't a heavyweight you You know, he beat Larry Holmes when Larry Holmes couldn't pull the trigger anymore. And, you know, Michael just was real slick, real smart. He wasn't dangerous enough to, like, threaten Holmes, like, to try to knock him out. But Larry just didn't have it in the tank like he did later in life.

It was a controversial decision anyway. But anyway, he beat Larry, and so he became the champ. I guess it was like ibf champ or something like that i don't even remember and then tyson just marked him marked him oh it was awful that's the difference between a real heavyweight and a light heavyweight like there's just a difference in frame like nobody'd ever done that to michael spinks michael spinks was so good he had a nasty right hand dude he was fucking dudes up at light heavyweight but he was also

had a long career fought a lot of really tough guys and then you know gets the money fight the night that he that Tyson knocked him out in record time I was never so pissed off

in my life because I was robbing a drug deal and he left the house to go watch the fight at somebody's house so here I am casing the fucking left the house to go watch the fight at somebody's house. So here I am casing the fucking joint.

He leaves ten minutes before the fight. I'm still crawling through the window fighting the dog off. And all of a sudden I hear cars. I get in my fucking car. I got the coke. But all of a sudden I see him coming back and he calls me like an hour later. Somebody robbed my house. What are you talking about?

Oh, God. I came back early because he knocked him out in 13 seconds. 13 seconds! What the fuck? I'm never in Boulder, Colorado on MacArthur Lane. I was casing the motherfucker out. Those are the days where, do you remember the closed circuit days? Yeah.

We used to watch fights at movie theaters. Really? Yeah, it was a big thing. Yeah, your friends would get together and we'd all go to a movie theater, and we'd watch a fight on closed circuit. Or they'd even have it at the Boston Garden. I used to go to the track. Oh, yeah?

In the Meadowlands, and that's where I saw your boy, the Detroit Hitman. Tommy Hearns? He'd fight some great fight. I don't know if it was Duran or Leonard. Duran, he murked Duran. But he fought somebody and we watched it on the track on a Monday night. You ever see that knockout that Hearns, have you seen it recently? Yes, no, no. Pull that up.

Tommy Hearns, man, was such a freak of nature because he was so tall and long, man. And he had muscle. Like, he wasn't just tall and long. He was tall and long, and he had muscle like he wasn't just tall and long he was tall and long but he was fucking strong and if he caught you at the end of that right hand i mean it was one of the most devastating punches in all boxing which is why it was so crazy that haggler was able to just walk right through him haggler just walked right through him man haggler could just take it

like nobody else i mean haggler had like nasty power but one of the things that was most impressive about haggler was you could just hit him with anything him and he never seemed to be hurt oh yeah i had a great fight in 84 that was a great great great fucking fight well it seemed like haggler really respected duran in that fight and really didn't take it to him. He knew how dangerous Duran was. Duran was still a real sneaky boxer. This was after he had beaten Davey Moore.

But see, Hearns just had this distance, man. And he could fuck Duran up at distance. He would just, like, come in with that whip of a punch. God damn, dude. They don't even look like they're in the same weight class. There's a right hand that drops them. Oh, shit. They really weren't.

Duran started off his career as a 135 pounder, then moved up to 147. And I don't know what this fight, this fight was probably 154 if I had to guess. Find out what this fight was at, what weight class. Because he fought as high as middleweight. When he fought Hagler, it was at middleweight.

He was fighting guys at some pretty heavy weights. 154, yeah. So that's light, light middle or super welterweight depending on what organization calls it. But yeah, Duran was like 20 pounds over his ideal fighting weight.

His ideal fighting weight was lightweight. He wasn't a big framed guy like these guys. But he still was skillful enough to hang in with them for the most part. But Hearns, murked! Yeah, there it is right there. That's the Merk shot. That's one they don't even count for. When you get hit like that

they don't even bother counting. Let me ask you something. How do you feel about guns right now at this point in your life with a family and what's going on in your life? How do you feel about guns? This is the real problem with guns. The same problem with everything else. People are fucking stupid.

There are a bunch of people that are fucking stupid. Now, if you had to ask me, do I think that everybody in this room, do I think that they are responsible enough to handle a firearm and own a firearm? Yes, absolutely. Everybody in this room is. I believe so.

But is it everybody in the world? Fuck no. But who can decide? Well, that's the point of the whole law. The whole point of the law is you can't let some tyrannical dictator decide who can and can't be armed. Because at the end of the day, what we really have to worry about as much as crime is you have to worry about the government turning into crime. Because the governments of nations all over the world have fucked the people over and done shit that people don't want, imprisoned them, enslaved them. Are we supposed to ignore that?

Are we supposed to pretend we're past that? We're past that completely. People will never be like that again. An armed militia is in the possibility that it all goes wrong. That's what it's for. It's not for when everything's going right. It's for when it all goes wrong. To deny the possibility that it could all go wrong, to me, you're lying. You're lying.

You're pretending we're better than we are. Because you look all over the world, there's war everywhere. There's war everywhere in the world. There's murder everywhere in the world. There's robbery and thievery everywhere in the world. There's not equal. It's not equal with the amount of chances people have. It's not equal the amount of the time you do in jail if you get caught for things. There's all sorts of inequalities and all sorts of real fucking problems in the world. And to deny, to say that we've reached some utopian place, we don't have to worry about the government turning into a tyranny. Bullshit.

No, I don't think the government right now is a tyranny. I don't think they're controlling us. I don't think they're doing anything unbelievably oppressive. I think they respond to, in a certain extent, to the amount of pressure that people put on them. And when people say things like, we don't want to go into Syria. Remember that Syria thing?

Obama was on TV. We're like, fuck this. No one wants to go to Syria. They're like, he's back on the Syria. He's back on the Syria he's back on the Syria at the end of the day people that are used to going to war like to go to war they make a lot of fucking money doing it and you have to be aware of that kind of shit you gotta be aware of people trying to force you into things you gotta think about Kent State man that was in our lifetime you know the during the vietnam war they

fucking shot kids that were protesting they shot them on the college campus for doing nothing but protesting that wasn't that long ago man it's not that long ago i'm not advocating that there should be some fucking uprising and people should pull guns but i'm i am saying you can't just have one group of people running other groups of people with no recourse. With no, the people don't have any ability to stop them. So the people in power, we just have to trust that they're going to be good. That's crazy. Why would you do that? They're just people.

And people, if you give them too much power they almost always fuck it they almost always abuse the shit out of it it's very rare that someone gets into a position of power and all of a sudden does wonderful selfless things for the world bullshit they do weird things they have weird fucking people that get paid off. They have subsidies for like oil and corn and greasy dealings with private prisons. Like there's a lot of fucking weird shit going on in power. So to say that we're just like, oh, everything's going to be fine. We don't need guns in England. We don't have guns and we're fine.

You still have a queen. You're still in some weird fucking quasi imperial state. The scariest thing, though, is if you go on Facebook and you scroll through, there's video after video of people fighting. That's the biggest thing now, is Worldstar and just people fighting. It scares me for all these people to have guns. That's true, too.

To be honest, with all the road rage happening, that guy a few months ago got pulled out of his car on Hollywood Boulevard or something. I don't want a fucking gun to be on the offensive. I don't want a gun to be on the offensive. I want a gun in case last night him and I were talking shit until 12.30 at night on my side street.

Three cops, a guy kept circling. God, you know, after a half hour a cop came by because somebody actually called the parlor of cops and said there's two guys standing out there. It's bullshit. Look at you, you criminal-looking motherfucker.

No, we're out there just telling stories after the comedy. Yeah, I know what it is. Yeah. And for a minute there, when that white car came around the second time, yeah, I thought I needed a gun. I don't know what people are thinking no more. You don't know what people are thinking. You could zig when you could have zagged, and you could run into someone who's out of their fucking mind.

Out of their fucking mind, and you never know. I mean, I'm not an advocate of being armed all the time. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is you can't let the government tell you whether or not you can have a weapon. It's just not, it doesn't make sense. Well, for years I had the felony. I still have the felonies. And the government tells me I can't have a weapon. It's just not, it doesn't make sense. Well, for years I had the felony. I still have the felonies. And the government tells me I can't have a pistol.

Now, my crime was with a pistol. All right, did it go off? No, but there was a potential for violence. There's always a potential for violence. In my heart and in my mind, I did a probationary period already. That was 1987. I did a probationary period already. That was 1987. I did a probationary period again. More than a probationary period.

I feel in my heart right now, I'm capable of carrying a gun as much as I hate it. I fucking hate those things. Because I know what they bring. You know what I'm saying? I know what they bring to some people. They're not going to bring it to me because I'm not young and stupid anymore. Do you understand me? I really wanted to protect know what they bring to some people. They're not going to bring it to me because I'm not young and stupid anymore. Do you understand me? I really wanted to protect my daughter.

I really wanted to. There's weird people doing it. Every time you watch the news, every time I watch the news and I see something stupid. What happened in Houston yesterday? You see that yesterday? No. What happened? Some fucking soldier snapped.

No. Four fucking tours in Afghanistan. And he got some fucking machine gun. He shot somebody at a gas station. There were so many fucking bullets that the gas station blew up in a suburb in Houston. The cops were in this. You got to see the cop cars. It was like heat.

Remember those cars with the windshields and shit? So did he get in a road rage with somebody? No, no, no, no. He just went into a gas station, shot a customer. And from there, the party started. Walked down the street shooting one dead, six injured, shot up 30 fucking cars in the middle of the street. I'm walking to a movie with my daughter. I'm minding my business.

Lee, instead of fucking driving, let's walk to the taco place today. Right. That could happen. That could happen. I know this going in. When I leave my house every morning, I know this is possible. And that's the messed up part because he has a gun. He has the right to have a gun.

But if someone else in Houston had a gun, maybe they could have shot him. Dead, six inches, randomly just at whoever. You need that in your life? Now, I'm not a sharp shooter, but I could shoot him in the fucking leg. I believe in shooting him in the leg if I have a great cover. I'm not looking to shoot the fucking guy like the cops are going to. I mean, you should have heard the tapes. It's crazy.

And that's Texas, too, where everybody's armed. But, you know, many people are not trained. That's also a big part of the problem with firearms. Listen, brother, let me tell you something. You have no idea what happens to your body when you hear a gunshot 10 feet from you. Oh, yeah. You have no idea.

No, no, no. I don't give a fuck what that was. I fought Chuck Liddell. I know. I know. I know he knocked the fuck out of you, but you've never heard a gunshot go off. Much less a machine gun. You've got to see people's faces.

Right, right. Much less a machine gun. You have to see people's faces. Da, da, da, da, da. And you hear that clip for real. It ain't a movie. This ain't no Dolph Lundgren movie. What's the other guy that played the mechanic?

It ain't one of these movies. This is real, man. Jason Statham? You know, and it just shoots you. It just kills you. Yeah. That's why people freeze. You're free, you're going to shock.

People that are not used to that, they play bingo and they take their family for ice cream. They don't need that shit. Yeah. I'm petrified. I live in fear as it is. You know, I was listening to this TED podcast. It was really interesting, man. They were talking about camaraderie.

And they were talking about the people that go to war together. And one of the things they all say is that their camaraderie and their love for each other is unlike any love or friendship that anybody else could ever possibly experience. Because it's so intense. Because it's like life or death every single day. And that when the wars are over and they're back home and they're happy, they're safe with their family and everything, but they look back and they go, the best time of my life was being at war.

Like that's crazy. What does that say about people? And this is not a judgment. I'm not a moral judgment. What does that say about people? And this is not a judgment. I'm not a moral judgment. What does that say about people? What I'm saying is, what does that say about the way the brain works? Like, how strange is it that people can get so excited about being in danger and the camaraderie that comes from being in danger? It, like, reawakens us almost.

Puts us in this, like, primal state that we used being in danger. It like reawakens us almost. Puts us in this like primal state that we used to exist in. And now instead of that, worst case scenario, some guy fucking snaps and he's on the highway and he starts shooting at people. That's kind of like worst case scenario

that we all worry about. But most people fucking keep it together. Which is one of the most amazing things about being a person. But the experience is flat. There's not enough excitement. There's not enough happening. There's not enough stimulation. There's not enough creativity. So you live a different life. You live a different life. You guys are

podcasting and doing standup shows. So there's all this outpouring of creativity. You have all this room for expression. Some people people they just feel like compressed they feel like they've just they've got a board tied to their chest into their back and every day someone pulls the fucking strap on that board and that's every day and it's just boring as fuck and when they deploy and they're over there and you know yeah they're gonna miss their family yeah they're gonna be risking their lives yeah all the all those things are 100% true. But for them, that experience was the best time of their life. That's amazing.

We're strange. No, no, no. Because you and I work in an office together. You, me, Jamie, and Lee work in an office together. We go in every Monday. We talk about the UFC. And then an hour later, it's back to fucking stocks and bonds or whatever the fuck we're doing. And then we go on every Monday. We talk about the UFC. And then an hour later, it's back to fucking stocks and bonds or whatever the fuck we're doing.

And then we go away on Friday, and that's it. The same works for the people I did crimes with earlier. I still talk to those people because I went through a weird experience with them, something that you don't do with most people, something that, and they accept me who I'm for. And I talk to this kid, Timmy Holloway, every fucking day. At five in the morning, we talk.

He was the getaway driver when I robbed the jewelry store. I have a loyalty to him. But we were at a light and the cops came by and the trunk opened up with the gold chains. We both shit our pants. It's, you know, it's something about that. I always had the respect for the camaraderie. What gets you through those first six years of comedy when your life is shit? Yeah.

What the fuck gets you through? Yeah. What gets you through? We were just talking about it on the ride out. When I call you and I go, we're driving to Quincy tonight, motherfucker. That waitress is there. Oh, shit. How much holding?

I got like 11 bucks, Joey. I got like fucking nine, dog. We get a steak. We'll buy a bag of weed. How much fun? You know, that's the best part of comedy. It's hard to believe, right? That's the best part of comedy.

I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you. Standing ovation, selling tickets. The part of comedy you're going to remember is when you were with Brody Stevens in a car with Josh Wolfe. And I got Brody in the back tied up in the fucking back in the Volvo and I'm doing 100 with his car. And he's yelling, stop it. Normal people do not live like this. Every time I see Brody, I give him a hug now.

Because when I'm in that fucking box on my mission to wherever the fuck Buddha land, that's what I'm going to be thinking about how good of a time that i have when i had three dollars in my pocket you read the brother sam book brother sam you know about sam and yes i did sam kinnison his brother bill wrote that fucking story the best part of that whole story that every time i see carl i give him a hug because i could relate is when they talked about how broke they were. And they would walk to the comedy store to eat the fruit from the bar. The bartender would chop up. Wow.

Who admits that? Who admits that? But you and I know that secret. And it's the same thing, man. Well, there's a thing that's happening, too, when you're going on those gigs where you don't know if this is gonna be it's gonna be successful not just the gig but this as a career like you're not like i'm a comic fucking i'm a comic you're like am i pulling this off like is this i got a gig now and i'm trying i'm out here you know that's like me and fitzsimmons would do these gigs and we would both be like barely should be talking to people on stage.

Barely. I mean, we were rookies, man. We were fucking rookies. And in Boston, if you could string together 20 minutes, they had so many rooms. Everybody was working. It was crazy. Were you able to have fun during that time? Oh, yeah.

Just fun. Really? Fun. Unbelievable. So fun. But I was like terrified it wasn't going to work out. Right. Terrified that I was wasting my time.

Because it was a big chance. I quit everything. Delivering papers or something like that? Yeah. I kept delivering papers. But I quit teaching at Boston University. And I quit teaching classes. I said, I don't want to do it.

I said, I don't want to half-ass it. And I'm not thinking about it the way I used to think about it. When I was teaching before, it was like, it was, uh, it was life. I was teaching life and I was teaching, you know, people kicking and punching. It was like as important as life. It was everything. I was thinking constantly about techniques and movements and strategies and constantly. And so when I was teaching people, I wanted people to be as into it as I was. And if they weren't, I really wasn't into it. If they were, I had a bunch of students

that I took up to a pretty good level, like below black belt, but pretty good level where they're getting really good and starting to win tournaments. It was really exciting. I was doing all this from the time I was 19 to 21. And so teaching and competing at the same time. And when I first started doing comedy, I was really I realized right away I was like, I gotta quit. I gotta quit everything. I just gotta do this. So it was it was such a fucking leap, man. Every gig I was terrified. I was like, is this a stupid thing I'm doing? Like, what am I, retarded? Why the fuck do I think I'm funny? Why do I think I can get people to pay me to talk

and I'd see the guys that were doing it in town, the guys that were making it, and it was just like, they felt just out of reach. Just just out of reach. So you never, you know, and then you'd go and you'd do some gig in Maine and get heckled and eat dick. Fucking bomb on stage.

And you'd go, oh, my God, what else could I do? If this doesn't work out, what else could I do? Because there was nothing else you wanted to do. No. I would go home at night after a bombing and just cry. And I'd circle. They used to have Just for Laughs newspaper. Yeah, I remember that.

And I'd go to the back section and it had all the clubs, state by state, Alabama. Yeah. And I would circle the clubs. I'm going to the back section and it had all the clubs, state by state, Alabama. Yeah. And I would circle the clubs. I'm going to show them someday. I'm going to show them. I'm going to do that in Birmingham and I'm going to do the Seattle Underground. And one day you're there and you're like, wow.

But it's so weird that there's so many things in life you could pay for. You can't pay for love and you can't pay for camaraderie, man. There's something about a camaraderie, a real camaraderie. You know, like sometimes when you go to jiu-jitsu and this guy fucking his onion, he taps you. At the end, you get up and you hug him. Yeah. And you go, man, that was great. You sweat my face.

Jesus Christ, I could smell the cheeseburger from last night. And that's camaraderie. You can't pay for that. But it's weird that, listen, if you're running with people every day and they got your back, I can't imagine that camaraderie. That's real. I'm not talking about what we're in a crew. The camaraderie that we're talking about, this makes you understand the story about these guys that want to go back.

Like that movie Hurt Locker. But that was different because that guy was kind of addicted to disarming bombs, right? The dude, the other one, the Clint Eastwood one, American Sniper. He kept going back and she couldn't figure it out. Why do you keep going? Why the fuck did you all shut the fuck up?

Because you all shut the fuck up. And this kid, I don't know what's going on. Let me go over there and at least kill people because then you feel, can you imagine Joe Rogan?gan like all your life you got thrown out of school you know you're fucking you're par mechanic you're lost but all of a sudden you realize you're gonna take lives you ever think of that you ever put yourself in that position when you're 18 years old 19 years old you're in vietnam and you realize that you you're taking your first tour back to the united states now you finished your year but you survived the 11 that went over there's six of them left and you survived

and in reality in god's eyes you got 18 kills nobody knows that as like a 19-year-old. Now you go back to civilization. And you're going to get paid $10 an hour to change tires. Why do you think for years I kept selling Coke? Because nothing really can compare to that. Excitement. Excitement. This is excitement of doing something you're not supposed to do. I'm going to go sit with my wife and drink mint juleps with her fucking family.

I could be killing motherfuckers right now. You know? Yeah. You know, you get that right. Not only that, you get a lot of love for doing that. It's like you get love and respect from the people that you work with for doing your job correctly. Like, for manning up. But they're not there when you're stabbing a motherfucker and your dick is getting hard and your heart's beating. They're not there, brother.

It's like a shark when they get that taste of blood. Those 18-year-olds, they ship you over there. Why didn't they want you when you were 18? Go when you're 31 and try to go in. You already got beliefs and shit. That's what I think. Your central nervous system has already been set. They can't get you to kill and forget.

But an 18-year-old, hoorah. Siempre free. What's that the Marines-old, hoorah. Siempre free. What's that the Marines say? Siempre free. In Cuba, siempre free. Siempre free, cocksucker. I thought about that. Can you imagine coming back here at 25 and now you gotta work at a bakery?

Couldn't imagine. Good luck. 12.50 an hour and you get two weeks, a year off. Meanwhile, all you're dreaming about is fucking putting makeup on. How? A tree with ropes with a machine gun and a gun and knives. Oh. How much work do you think they put into readjusting guys? Those first two.

Reacclimating them back into society after a war. You want me to tell you the problems we have? We don't. We can't do it effectively. It's like a guy getting out of prison after 20 years. We haven't figured out a way to do it effectively yet that there's no mishaps. There's always going to be a small percentage.

This guy in Houston yesterday did four tours. How old was he, Jamie? Four tours. What the fuck are you gonna do in this united states that's gonna give you that unless you go on stage even that and even that it's nothing in comparison you said earlier like how crazy our brains are it's crazy how different like when i was 18 it was 2007 like i was graduating high school, so Iraq and Afghanistan were blown away. It was right at that time, and I had friends who went over. But what you are saying is exciting.

I would run away from that. There's no part of me that wants that. 25 years old, four tours. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, you're a smart guy, Lee. No, but there's smart people there. guy Lee no but there's smart people there there's like yeah it's just people that are willing to do the stuff that's more dangerous because it feels better because it feels like even though there's risk involved at least you feel

charged up and alive there's a it's a life of excitement versus a life of you know I'm why do you think people climb rocks they climb rocks because it's actually enjoyable climbing a rock no they They climb rocks because it's actually enjoyable climbing a rock? No, they climb a rock because it's fucking scary. And you don't know if you can make it. You're pretty sure you're going to make it, but there's a real risk that you get a fucking hand spasm. And you just fall for a long time until you splatter on the bottom. When you watch someone crazy like Alex Honnold.

Right. The guy with no ropes. He does it with no ropes. We had him in the podcast. He's a super nice guy. Real interesting guy. Lives out of a van. Just travels around and climbs rocks. He's an adrenaline junkie. Okay. The climbing of the rock, it's like, I mean, I guess it's kind of cool to be up high and it's sort of like a version of hiking for him because he can kind of make it. But what's really going on is you recognize that you're on the edge always. And so even if you're not like your adrenaline's not flying, you're not freaking out, your heart's not pounding, your heightened focus and sense is keenly aware that you're holding back a waterfall of adrenaline.

You're keeping it together and so you're a lot of times guys that are doing like crazy shit like tightrope walking and stuff like that they're they're sort of addicted to trying to control what is this guy doing jamie is this parkour or something do something really scary here in about two seconds. He's going to land in a handstand. No, he's not. Oh. Ah. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This guy did, he jumped and then did a handstand on the edge. Oh. Oh, my God. Have you seen the videos of the people on the hoverboards? Hoverboarding on the tops of buildings? That might have freaked me out more than the hoverboard. Because that guy was upside down.

And I watched my daughter do those things. They don't always land perfect. Fuck, man. Jesus Christ. What the fuck is going on in Russia? What are they feeding these people? Them radioactive pigs from Chernobyl? Those ain't Russians.

Those are Russians. Are they Russians? Oh, you heard Russian. I heard Russian. Didn't you hear Russian? Something. I heard Russian sounds. My hands are sweaty.

I'm assuming it was Russian. Am I being racist? No, I'm not. It's not a race, though. The only reason why Russian isn't a race is because they look like us. Right? I mean, they're totally not regular white people no what does it say does it say it's russian yeah it is russia see jesus christ just assumed i'm pretty sure i heard some russian sounds though yeah we're crazy people are crazy with the, the juiced up need for those things. It's like, how do you feel?

Don't you feel sad when someone's a comic and then they quit? And then you see them kind of hanging around a comedy club? And they come back and hang around. I haven't done stand-up in 10 years, you believe that? I'm really happy now. I don't have to deal with the bullshit no more. My family's getting raised correctly. And, okay. That's's getting raised correctly. Okay.

That's great. That's fucking great. I just... Listen, man, you're going to do things in life that you don't like, and you recognize it, and you move on. In L.A., how many people have we met? How many people are going to be stars? How many people went to Montreal and had sitcoms?

A lot. And all of a sudden, you don't see them no more. You just don't see them. And then one day, you go to a town, and you get a Facebook. Hey, I had to come back because my uncle died, and I'm doing a podcast. Can I do a guest spot? And you're like, nope.

Nope. I don't know who you are. I mean, I just don't know what's going on anymore. The whole guest spot thing's a weird thing. You know? It's weird to ask people to come on a professional show if you're not a professional. I get it.

That's how people get better. They do guest spots, but that should be something that somebody asks you for. It's, you know, would you like to do a guest spot? Like that, you know, like check you out on stage in front of 3,000 people. like would you like to do a guest spot like that you know like check you out on stage in front of 3 000 people but to like ask to do that like because we all know like some comics that are weird they'll like show up at your shows and ask to do guest spots oh my god i didn't know you were here tonight yeah like i was just driving but your backspace i'm in

fucking ontario off the thing and you didn't know i was here tonight you don't see my name out there i made a rule about two years ago. I love comedians. I know what it is to be a comic. So I'll tell you what I do. I know what it was like for me to feature Anthony, that $400 for rent, and all of a sudden you get a call the week before that the headline is bringing a feature. I get it.

So I made a deal. I won't bring a lot of features, but I'm not doing guest spots. And the word gets out. It's so crazy. The word really gets out when you don't do guest spots. People won't show up to your shows no more. That's interesting. Which I don't want.

Whereas before they were showing up and they're trying to get on. Hey, how you doing? They want to hang out in the green room. And here's my philosophy on it. If you're so funny, you wouldn't be here. Go get on stage. Yeah. funny, you wouldn't be here. Go get on stage. Yeah, well, you'd have gigs booked. And, you know, people come to the green rooms

and they want to hang out and that's great. I love seeing my old friends and stuff, but I'm working right now and you're not working. Well, not only that, you don't have to be on that show. Here's the thing. Like, when I was a kid and I was starting out, I loved going to shows i still love going to shows i don't have to be on stage to enjoy a show so if i go to a show

then i'm like trying to get a guest spot on someone's show i don't even know that person or barely know that person that's fucking weird i never did that i don't know anybody who did that none of us did that you you either got asked or you just kept working. You kept doing shows that were at your level until you got better. That's just what everybody does. Like this guest spot thing, like that is not how it works. You can't just show up and get on in front of a couple thousand people. I didn't have two gigs the other night. I lied to you because I knew you were going to ask me to come up to the Ice House.

But I know you're working on your album. Yeah, but I don't care. I want to have fun. I you were going to ask me to come up to the ice house. But I know you're working on your house. Yeah, but I don't care. I don't want to disrupt nobody. Oh, that's very kind of you. Sometimes I go to the ice house and there's 18 guys up before you. And I go, this isn't right. This poor guy did us all a justice. And now motherfuckers are doing 20 in front of me.

And I go up there and do eight and he gets mad at me because I know what it's like to feel. When I get to the fucking club at eight, I'm ready to go. Steam's coming out of my nose. I got to eat two stars to calm me down. I already ate. I worked out. I'm fired up. I got to wait through three fucking comics now. The last 15 minutes, I'm pacing back there like a fucking animal.

I just want to get up there and do my fucking thing, and now I gotta wait. And it's not that. It's just that some comedians come into a room to ruin the show. Yeah. Or blow this fucking place up. And they really blow away. When I get there on Thursday, you work with the other two guys, you get the

niche, you see who you're already working with, and then some guy wants to come on Saturday. Like, oh my God, I didn't know you were in town. Can I do a guest? It's not gonna happen. Especially Saturday, because you got two shows. Like, oh, my God, I didn't know you were in town. Can I do a guest set? It's not going to happen. Especially Saturday because you've got two shows. Yeah, I've got two shows, especially fucking Friday. And it's like my heart goes out to you as a comic. I know what it is to be a struggling comic, but there's nothing going on here.

Well, who does let guys do guest sets? Who does? I don't know. There's a lot of comedians. National headliners let local guys do guest sets. I don't know. And don't you have to worry about putting on a good show? If you put on a guy who's terrible and they just ruin a show,

these people paid a lot of money for a show. I let someone have a guest spot once. And this was on a show with one of those Ice House type shows, like 10 people on. And he bombed so bad that it tanked the rest of the night because people had to sit through 10 minutes of like really clumsy shitty jokes like from someone who like barely does comedy you know i had to find out later and then afterwards like the audience had a lowered expectation whereas before it'd be like ian edwards tony hinchcliffe, Tom Segura, smash, smash, smash.

And everybody would be experiencing that all night. Well, there was this 10-minute gap where it was just sludge. Just, like, really shitty ideas and just not done well. And the audience went, whoa. Like, you could see them get super bummed out. Yeah, especially when you're on a good show like that. Oh, yeah. I've been lucky enough to go the past few weeks to the store with joey when it's really good shows it's fun but when there's like

i went to a show once and there was a magician on this on stage and it just i just i think of him because i know he hates it but it's so weird how important it is to build a good show and to build shows like comics who go well together it's you can't just have you can't just throw comedians up there and have a good show the problem is like people are friends with people that you know and then you know they you know you know them and they know you and they hey man can i do one of those ice house shows yeah sure come on down do a set i'll see and then you just go oh no what has happened here jesus fucking christ and And if you do that, like this, this guy, like it's written jokes that day and was doing them that night.

He'd never done them before. Like, like try to do like a whole, it's a long ass story. But when that does happen, the P the audience feels like you fucked them. You know, like people always say like, why would I take the best comedians on the road with me? Like, dude, wouldn't you want to like stand out in front of the other comedians oh the audience feels like you fucked them then like you made up for the fact that you fucked him by being really funny for the last hour and 10 minutes but you know you fucked them for the first 20 minutes if you

fill in the blank with the name of the comedians there's a bunch of crazy fucking comedians that will open for other like national acts and they don't work anywhere else they just they work as like opening acts for big-time national acts who don't want to be like showing up on stage they don't want someone going on before them and being really funny but isn't that the point of the opener to to warm them up like that's why they have uh studio warm-up people for TV shows because they want them to have good energy and be excited. Warm them up to a degree.

There's a lot of comics that want you to warm them up to a degree that you really have to hold back a little bit because they're the star of the show. That's so stupid. I'd rather we come from the school of thought. We want everybody to be fucking great because if the guy in front of me is fucking great, while I'm back there ticking and watching this,

I'm going to come out throwing 92 miles an hour. If the guy's in front of me is lackadaisical, it happened to me. One time with you on the road, we left the Gepsep up. The guy's energy was low. He sucked me in with it. I went up there and bombed because of him. Because I didn't want to make him... It was so bad.

I said, I'm not going to do my theory on that. I'll just go up there and talk. There's a bad thing that does happen when you watch really bad comedy, like someone who's an amateur level comedy. Something weird happens where you get confused as to what's funny and what's not funny. It's almost like a smokescreen, like

one of those ink things that a squid shoots out like you see someone on stage that's really new and really bad and just you got to get out of the room it's like like you can your mind can get locked into their way of thinking because that's what I think is happening anyway on stage I think the reason why comedy is so funny it's because you're thinking like that guy. The guy's taking you for a ride. And when you let a bad comedian take you for a ride, like you get stuck in like what they're doing on stage. Say if they're doing like real obvious hack material, cop donut jokes, you know, tampon, price check, you know, that kind of stuff, and the audience

is really laughing, you'll get confused. You have to shut them out. Like, la, la, la. You got to listen to some music. You got to go on stage fresh like they didn't exist. You're better off not seeing them. I don't want to see them no more. I come out like Gladiator.

Yeah. You have to come out of that cage like Gladiator. I don't want to get caught up. Likeiday early saturday early show i'll watch the other acts and i'll start getting into it but until then i want to come out of the box like a fucking savage right but if you're working with people that you love like if you were doing a show with duncan and ari you'd probably watch a lot of their set yeah i would i would yeah that's the cool thing about when we do the road together. We watch each other's shit. It's fun.

It's like I get to see a show and do a show. You know, it's fun. I love going to the store, sitting in the back and laughing. Me too. That's one of my all-time favorite things. To get down there a little early. Like your spots are 1045. You get down there at 10.

And you watch a few guys. And it really gets you in the in the swing of things like it really does get you going you know but i don't want to sit there all night either well that's the cool thing about the store there's always some shows going on some ways three rooms can move around watch a bunch of different shit i think that's not to be taken lightly i think with anything i think if you were uh you know, if you were a knife maker, if you were really into making custom knives, you'd want to be around other dudes who make those things. That's why they have those expos where people get together and they, so what have you been up to, man? What's going on here?

I made this new knife. Man, this thing is stainless steel. Look at that. There's a dude who Anthony Bourdain did this thing when he's done these videos about people making shit. This guy makes knives with metal from meteors. Where does he get the meteors? Meteors. Like they fucking land on Earth.

You can just buy them? Yeah, you can buy them. Fuck. And they're super expensive. So he's getting his iron from space. Look at this guy. Whoa. Look at that fucking knife come on dude it's a kramer knife this guy makes these things by hand see if you can find the video because it's fucking crazy he's got like this hearth i guess that's what you call it right

what do you call it when you it's some sort of an oven where he's baking these knives but with bourdain bourdain is like a he's a real uh lover of craftsmanship so this guy is making these things sort of in a similar way to the way samurais made them where you have big plates of metal and um you you compress them and heat them up and smash them and get all the layers into one layer but it's all done with iron that he's getting from fucking meteorites. Now, what's the difference between the iron and the meteorites? Just, it's cool. You could say it's from space.

So it's not a strong iron or nothing like that? It doesn't last underwater? I think, as far as I know, I mean, there's ways to harden iron and steel. Well, it survives coming through the atmosphere. Yeah, we're talking about steel. They're making steel. But using the iron from space, I don't think has any benefit. I think it's probably just really cool looking and awesome to say.

It's just fucking steel. I mean, it is what it is. You know, right? Isn't that correct, Jamie? Does that make sense? It's not like the Captain America shield that they got from right exactly so this dude i think his name is steve kramer bob kramer excuse me bob kramer uh and bob kramer throws um this giant chunk of metal in this unbelievably hot oven and then he pulls it out and he puts it in this machine and hammers it and he's just talking about all the different methods of hardening steel and adding carbon and all the things that they add during the process but it's crazy wild shit man look at this so he pulls out this orange and white glowing thing and they it pounds it down so he takes it and all those layers

get smashed down into a thinner and thinner layer and it just keeps doing it over and over again until it becomes like a blade it's wild shit man so when it's down to being a blade that fucking thing is so compressed and smashed down Just really interesting shit. So what is the name of the video people want to watch it? Raw craft with Anthony Bourdain. He's got a bunch of these he's done. I don't know how the fuck that guy has so much time It does so much shit There's like a few of those guys Where I feel lazy

Dude does personal speaking gigs What are you eating over there Joe Diaz? Pralines, pumpkin seeds A little bit of nature bugs Joe Diaz A little bit of nature bugs, never killed nobody This guy's making fucking swords I mean Those guys want to be around each other

Like if you're making knives like that You're going to want to be around other people who make knives as well. One of the things about places like the store is we can all meet each other and hang out. The other night at the bar, Stan Hope, Ron White, me, a bunch of us just hanging.

I'm like, where is there a place like this where we can meet? Like a fucking saloon where fellow travelers can meet? I got to tell you something. Ron White is really taken to the store. He has. He's really taken to the store.

He's one of the guys now. He gives you a quick hug. He's got a drink in his hand. He's happy as fuck up there. He goes up there. He murders the fucking room in a slow, methodical way. But at first,

he would just stay back there and go, what the fuck is this shit? This ain't right in here. And I watched him. I've been watching him just become a guy at the store. Yeah,

he's always in the back bar. He's always hanging out. It's a beautiful thing. Bro, he's always at a bar. Yeah. If there's a bar open, he's close by to it

within walking fucking distance, okay? That guy's the real fucking bar. Yeah. If there's a bar open, he's close by to it. Within walking fucking distance, okay? That guy's the real fucking deal. Yeah. He shows up with his own bottle and ice cubes. Well, he has his own brand. Right. He has his own brand of tequila. What is it called again?

Get fucked up. Something. That's what it's called. Something Juan. Something Juan. What the fuck is it called? Number Juan. Juan. Number Juan. Number Juan. What the fuck is it called? Number Juan? Juan.

Number Juan? Number Juan? Yeah, that's it. Number Juan. How racist. Number Juan tequila. Pa-bam! It's good shit.

It is really good shit. He had it at, I mean, as far as that stuff goes, it all tastes like shit, really. You know what I mean? Let's be real. Even the best tasting tequila tastes like shit the best tasting ever all that alcohol i never get it people like sit there like wine i started to like wine i could drink a glass of wine you know it's still alcohol i still like jack daniel's shots it tastes bothers the shit out of me tastes like shit and i love it you know what you're talking

about that that i still remember i was a little boy in New York City when Muhammad Ali fought Joe Frazier. Like I lived on 88th Street. Like I still remember how big that event was. Like if you ask me about events in New York City, one is Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier. Two, in the early 70s when Elton John came to New York City, he fucked that city up, dog. Captain Fantastic and Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. When I was a kid, he fucked up traffic. Michael Jackson fucked up traffic in 84.

You know, he did a couple nights at the Garden. But Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier, when I was a kid, was fucking huge. He was huge. I remember crying. I wanted to watch it. I tried to get a blowjob for my babysitter. I was a kid. She was a Puerto Rican chick named Tita. And I kept asking her about blowjobs. She goes, I'll give you a blowjob. So I gave her a bag filled with quarters that I had. And she came into the room and I took a shower. I combed my hair. I put cologne on. And she came into the room and blew on my stomach and said, that's a blowjob. And took my $20.

I almost fucking killed the dog. I cried myself to sleep. That morning, my mom, I woke her up. I go, I got to talk to you. My mom's like, what is it in broken English? On my teeter stove, my $20. She said she was going to suck my dick. And she did.

My mom's like, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? You're like six or seven. What are you talking about? I said, I wanted a blowjob. I gave her $20, and then she took my $20. I'm going to fucking kill her, Ma. And my mom's like, are you fucking crazy?

Why would she suck your dick for $20? She can get 50 at a bar. Why would she suck your little helmet dick for $20 and shit? You were how old? Six. Six, seven. How old was she? 32. When did Muhammad Ali fight Joe Frazier the first time? 71 maybe, right?

71. I was probably eight. I was a little kid, man. She stole your money. Oh, my mom had to give me back the $20. I made my mom give it back to me. Your mom gave it to you? Yeah, my mom said, what would it take to make this problem disappear? So she gave you $20 just to shut you up?

Yeah, because she knew I would hit Tita in her sleep. I would kill her in her sleep. She was sleeping on the couch. The baby fell asleep on the couch. Oh my god. You give me the $20 or I'm going to fucking kill her right there in her sleep. Shit, my mom's like, are you fucking crazy? I'll give you the $20. Just leave Tita alone. I didn't talk to T her right there in her sleep. My mom's like, are you fucking crazy? I'll give you the 20.

Just leave Tita alone. I didn't talk to Tita for a year, dog. You should never talk to her again. When was it? 71. Yeah, I was 8. And she was ripping off little kids. She was great, though, Tita.

I had great babysitters growing up. I didn't like my mom going out at night. My mom had the bar, so I would spend the whole day with my mom, and then at night she'd have to go to the fucking bar, and it would drive me crazy, Joe. I want to go to the bar. You can't go to the bar. You go to school. I don't give a fuck. Let me come protect you. Bars are

weird. I would fucking wait for her to get the jersey, and then I'd cause a war in the house, and she'd have to get back in the car and come all over the 88th Street, fuck me up, put me to sleep, get in bed with me and lay down, and then she would go back to the bar and fucking close it.

I put her through hell, man. Hell. And then when we moved in Jersey, I would call her up. I was scared at night because I thought the house was haunted. So I would call her up and say, you're going to get down here. I'd be crying and shit. Finally, she goes, just take a cab to your friend's house.

Sleep over there. There was a year I didn't sleep at my house, you know. Really? Like a year. When I was in seventh grade, I didn't sleep at my house. Never. I would go there after school, get clothes, and go to my friend's house and sleep there and live there. I was scared of fucking ghosts and shit.

My grandparents insisted their house was haunted. They had a guy during the 50s who rented a room upstairs. So a local guy was a bachelor, and he just rented a room. Because, you know, people did that back then. They were poor. And that guy died. I think he died while he was at the house. I don't remember.

But they insisted that the fucking guy was still, like, walking around. They'd hear him walk around. I lived there for months when I first moved. Never heard nothing. Never heard shit. Then I realized, you know what a lot of that is? People just get bored. They want there to be a ghost.

They want something crazy to be going on. They're bored. They don't have any excitement. And so the only excitement is, like like being in that room in the dark and having feelings about something that's not even real. You're like, I feel something. I feel a presence. I feel a presence.

There's a presence. There's something in this room. There's something in this room. We got to get the fuck out of this room. Meanwhile, nothing happened. Just you're in the dark. You're in the dark in an old house, but you're bored as fuck. That's what it is.

I don't know, Joe. I don't know, dog. I lived in a haunted fucking house, Joe. When? My mother bought this house in North Bergen, New Jersey on Givenad Terrace. Givenad Terrace was originally the Givenad, what's when kids die? When parents die. Orphanage.

When kids go, it was an orphanage. The orphanage set fire in the 40s. So they took Charles Court and Given That Terrace and built it over this orphanage. There was an article about it on Facebook about six months ago about the whole Given That Terrace fucking spooky shit. So in that house, my mother bought them. is fucking spooky shit. Yeah. So in that house, my mother bought me.

The reason why my mom got in that with the alias was because we came in with heavy cash, and the guy killed himself in the garage. Psh! All right, the guy hung himself in the fucking garage in the 60s, so his kids were selling the fucking house. Whoa. We didn't know about this. I never knew about this until years later.

Once we moved in, remember, in the beginning, I was going to Catholic school, so I only slept there on the weekends once I moved in full-time like in the sixth and seventh grade was when I would hear the ghosts at night would you I would hit him coming up the fucking stairs and shit I would cry and yell right so they sent me to the Santa real lady's house and she told me to put a glass of water under my bed with a red towel on the top and I would better, but I would still hear fucking noises at night. I was fucking, and that's all that spooky shit.

Now, do you remember when we did Tom Likas years ago and my friend called? Mm-hmm. Girl, Joey, how are you? Coco. Okay. Right. Her brother died on that block when he was 16, 15. He died on that block.

They're Sicilians. when he was 16, 15. He died on that block. They're Sicilians. And if you think Cuban people are creepy with their Santeria and shit, nobody's creepier than old school Sicilians. I mean, she broke it down. She kept telling me,

I told my husband, Sicilians don't live on dead-end streets because they're bad luck. Like, they broke, like, when I see them now, they still fly out here, the specials. Dead-end streets are bad luck

Oh, yeah, the Sicilians. I mean she's an old-school Sicilian that she took the fish the eyes from fishes To help people see better help people you ever see the movie sleepers You ever see the movie sleepers which movie sleepers about one with heads explode? No. No, that's Scanners. The fucking heads explode. This is about the four kids who rob a hot dog man and by mistake a guy dies and they send him to a jail. Who's in it? Look, all star cast. Brad Pitt.

De Niro was the priest. I do believe I saw that. The book is a lot better. The movie sucked because they put too many stars in the movie. Too many fucking stars. But it's about four fucking kids that get sent to an orphanage and they get beat up or whatever the fuck it is. But before that, they go to work for a mob boss. If you've ever watched any mafia movie, every mafia movie blows the characters.

The only mobster that was ever any good in any Italian movie besides Marlon Brando was the guy that played the mobster in this movie. See if you can find sleep as King Benny. King Benny was a bad motherfucker. He was an Italian actor that they recruited to come over. He didn't even speak that good of English. Wait till you see the King Benny. Well, King Benny's explained to him

that he takes the eyeballs to this lady for headaches. When I was a kid, look at King Benny. King Benny is a bad motherfucker. There's a part where King Benny has to go deal with fucking brothers in Harlem.

And the guy says to him, man. But you said this movie sucks. The movie's a five. But him as a... You know who's in this movie? Your chubby buddy. The guy you did softball with. Mike Starr? No.

The Spanish kid that you did that series with. He was a Spanish kid. Louis Lombardi? No, he was Italian. Puerto Rican kid. Oh, Puerto Rican kid. Oh, I know who you're talking about. The kid that...

He played... He was in Lost. I haven't seen from that. He was in Lost. No. No? No. The kid, the Spanish kid, he plays Fat Mancho.

See if they have the scene from Sleepers with the black guy. When the black guy says to him. See if they have the scene from a movie that sucks. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. He says to him, dog, look at you. You bring style to the game. The Italian guy goes, I cannot help you.

My tailor is dead. I mean, this guy's got lines in this fucking movie. And they never talked. He died years later. They were saying, who the fuck is this guy? The guy is just a monster. My point is it's not about fucking sleepers or the fucking guy.

What's the point? I have no idea. I'm too stoned. I'm like, I wonder how he's going to wrap this up. No, no, no. We're talking about four kids and shit. Sicilians. Oh, the Sicilians. Well, we're talking about bad luck blocks, dead ends.

They just have a spooky belief. So they came to me years later and were telling me all about this block, how many people had bad luck on that block after that. Like, the Malonis died from cancer, the both of them. You know, the parents, the O'Rourkes died from cancer. The girl across the street died in a car accident. Raul, I just robbed him. Raul and his family, I just took his stereo,

and I wouldn't let him in my fucking bedroom for years. How do you rob somebody's house and I hung out with the kid? Because years later, we became friends. While they were moving in, I robbed Raul and his family. And I took the stereo. Some kid took the fucking desk. It was amazing.

Do you talk to him anymore? Raul, no, no. Raul ended up fucking moving to the Bronx in the eighth grade overnight. They left. They owed money on the rent. But he would come to my house and go, can't we go to your room and listen to the stereo?

That's not a good idea. but he would come to my house and go, can't we go to your room and listen to this story? That's not a good idea. Hilarious. Terrible. Do you ever look back on your past and go, how the fuck did I become an upstanding citizen?

How did I become a regular person? Last night I was telling these stories that I was shaking. Well, I remember when I first met you, you were always a great guy, but you were way more dangerous. You were a dangerous person. You could do some ridiculous shit. You were very volatile. There's a part of me that's a very, very nice, law-abiding person. There really is.

There's a part of me that's always wanted to try to be a nice person But there's a part of me that does not comprehend human a part of human behavior Because it would not be allowed I was raised by no means at all. What do you mean? Just stupid human behavior that I see every day now would not be acceptable Right and how I was raised or how the people I grew up were So when I look at that on behavior my head explodes Right. my hand-to-hand combat days are over. Like, I don't need this shit in my world. If you come into my world and you're disrespectful, I'm going to hit you with a weapon.

I'm going to hit you with a chair or a bottle. I threw a lot of bottles at the store, a couple glasses. You definitely threw some shit at the store. I don't fuck around with people because I don't like people fucking with me. I'm really sensitive. I don't know how to handle it. But see, I think it's one of the things

we were talking about when we were talking about people who go to war and how they get addicted to that feeling. And then it's almost like that becomes their world, right? Well, I almost feel like with some people, they become like real addicted to like bad situations. I was You know get addicted to drama drama life, right? You you don't know how to handle life if there's no drama in your life There was times I would rob Joe Rogan knowing that Joe Rogan knew I was in a robber and my state of mind was now what?

Now what now what? Now what? Now what? How are you going to get this back? You'd cause an issue. Because I didn't know how to live without the swirl of danger. Let's be honest. The last 10 years I did blow were not because of an addiction. The last 10 years I did blow because I was addicted to that state of mind. You were always in need of something.

The thrill was going to get the coke and driving home with the coke in the car yeah that's something that you when you told me that it was the first time anybody had ever articulated it that way like what you were addicted to was not even necessarily the drug it's the whole thing the driving and the danger the police going to the guy's place to buy it, the cop. Everything. I would look at myself after snorting at 2, 3 in the morning and see this person I didn't even recognize in the mirror.

I wouldn't even want to look at him because I was so ashamed that I let that position take over my mind. It wasn't the fact of the coke or the whatever or they're getting my dick sucked or they're doing dirty things. It was the fact of getting it and driving and fronting it and all the scamming that went with and and somebody told me when i got locked up they said you think of all the time you put into scams think of it you put that time into doing something on a positive level there's no surprise that my life has changed as much as i did without the drugs

because 60 of your mental state was always in those drugs yeah no matter for the other 40 was in comedy the other 37 was in comedy and the other three was in god knows what the fuck it was but 60 of your day is dominated by that addiction or whatever drives you and with some people they've described it as like the addiction and having that addiction was like almost like a built-in excuse to not live up to their full potential in anything they're trying to do absolutely you're all for starters it's not it's it's the personal blame you want that just in case if you fail you always have a fucking excuse right well what did you expect i was having those problems those years you didn't have a problem having a problem is when

uh you know you get fucking shingles or your family member has cancer that's a problem that happens in life the coke and all that shit is your own men man-made dilemma are you with me like these are the things you create, all these things you create. You know, I think about that last year I did blow. I was ready to call 60 Minutes. Like, I think of this state of mind right now. Like, I had already a pitch for 60 Minutes to explain to them that I had found a cure for cocaine.

That if you do heroin on Mondays, just a little bit, you will not snort the rest of the week. Like, I was really going to pitch 60 Minutes. I was going to get an agent and go to CBS and go, listen, I got a groundbreaking idea. There's no reason for rehab. We'll get that white powder you motherfuckers are going to war for, and we'll get that little white poppy seed, we'll make it into some pill,

and we'll get people high on Monday, because the rest of the week I didn't want to get high how crazy is that i was doing heroin on a monday and it wouldn't let me do coke the rest of the week i look forward to monday's fuck csi miami why were you why only monday i don't know i don't know i have no fucking idea that was just the day i started the week off right yeah i was just snorting it. Yeah, snorting it. Two little lines of heroin just to get me on. And what does it do? What's the feeling?

Tell me what it feels like when it hits you. Oh, it takes a couple minutes to hit you, and you feel this weird thing, and then you feel like your blood pressure going up, and you feel like this euphoric warmth. You feel like this fucking warmth. I felt like my body, you ever take a wet shit? like this euphoric warmth. You feel like this fucking warmth. I felt like my body, you ever take a wet shit?

It's warm and you can see if you shit outside, steam's gonna come out of it. Right. That's what your body feels like, that warmth. And then I would get an urge to puke. For a couple minutes, I would gag and puke.

A little bit would come out of yellow. And then after I puked a little bit, I would just go into this state of fucking momoness for four hours it was like smoking indica's all day and momoness like just sitting there smoking cigarettes looking out a window and i'd make believe i was writing john lennon type lyrics to jokes until i looked at them the next day this brilliance about a refrigerator like i remember writing a bit about a refrigerator once. And looking at it the next day and saying, thank God.

Thank God I never tried. You know what I'm saying? Like, little things, like, just. Well, that was Hedberg's drug of choice. And his jokes. Man. I mean, I think he's probably the best non-sequitur joke guy ever. Because all his jokes are unrelated.

It's like, here's a non-sequitur. Here's some other things I was thinking about. Here's something I thought. Here's something I saw. And it was, like, I was listening to it the other day. It was like, half of his jokes were only funny because he was saying them. You know, but they were hilarious. Hilarious. Like a he had a way

of doing it that was kind of like heroin comedy you know would you be messed up during the week or no you uh it'd take me a day to recover on tuesdays i'd be out i didn't say nothing to nobody i was doing the heroin and And I wasn't doing coke. So I was really fucking happy. And so you would be like sober Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And then you'd look forward to the big bump on Monday. Yeah, that kid's dead. He used to send it to me. He used to send me $7 bags. What kid? His name was

Bonehead. He died from an OD. How weird. Yeah. Figured that guy was going to live forever. Bonehead? I knew Bonehead from the time I, rest in peace. You lost Bonehead, bro. Let me tell you something about Bonehead. Bonehead was like your boy. He was

I could go into a room with 90 motherfuckers and Bonehead would lick a day, ten of them. Bonehead was a bad motherfucker, dog. I loved Bonehead. Bonehead had three brothers. I loved all of them. But Bonehead was two of the brothers were very i loved all of them but bonehead was and and two of the brothers were very successful believe it or not bonehead was successful as a plumber he had all his own company he only went crazy at night bonehead bonehead when i was

17 would take me to mcsaul he's ale house in new york city no id he called the bartender i would give him three mugs of beer give him three mugs of beer, give him three mugs of beer, and give him a bowl of chili. That mughead would take $10 from the both of us, and he'd go to Washington Square Park. And he'd come back, and he'd give me eight Valiums. And by the meantime, he would go buy his heroin, and he'd buy these mixture of pills, and he'd melt them to the black and whites. Then he'd take us to a strip club in New Jersey or something. They'd take us home. And the next day, 7 in the morning, there's strip head, there's bonehead

in the fucking plumbing van up in Dandy. He was a functioning addict. He wasn't like your regular. There's a lot of those guys out there. And he had a chick that was a 13. Really? She was half Asian

and half Irish. Good lord. And they used to do heroin together and they'd pass out in the living room and they'd fuck and they'd both go to sleep and then I'd be in the bedroom because I just moved in with Bonet's family. Okay. They were Italian, bro. They were real

fucking Italians. And I, the mother used to the mother was the first person who ever made me an egg cream she was a little irish chick and she said she used to say the word earl she couldn't say oil and she was the bookkeeper for union 52 whatever the teamsters the laborers union you know i was over there one day when i was 16 she goes you got a book nah walk me to work tomorrow. I'll get you a book. You can start fucking being a hottie. So I, you know, like a hot carrier.

Hot carrier? Yeah, they're for brick masons. Oh, okay. So she goes, I can get you with the Italians over by the brick masons. Because she was from Hoboken. So she got me a book. I financed it. She got a loan shark to finance it.

I love these people. This is, if I'm thinking, I don't like doing documentaries, but I need to do a documentary about this family because it's the rise and fall of an American family that I saw before my eyes. As a child, I went over there and ate with them. You know, I hung out with all three brothers, by the way. Like I wasn't just friends with Bonehead. I hung out with Chrissy Fish and I hung out with the little whatever his name was. But Bonehead was my night time guy. Bonehead used to take me into the murky

waters of the underworld. He could get me guns and shit. Now the medium brother was a drug dealer in the 80s and he sold big times coke and he used to buy jewelry and he used to put them in a tackle box. So one night me and the younger brother in the bed sleeping, Bonehead comes in to borrow money from us. Because he was going to this city to get heroin, and he goes, and I go, Bonehead, I got to go to the bank.

I don't have any money on me. He went into his brother's room, and instead of, his brother was sleeping, the drug dealer. Instead of just opening up the tackle box and taking $40 out, he took the whole tackle box. And it had $40,000 in cash and another $30,000 in jewelry. He went to the Bronx. These are the best times of my life. If you want to talk about comrades, this is the best time of my life. This is your war stories?

And you thought the house was haunted, and that was scary. No, no, no. This was not a haunted house at all. These people were decent Italian people. Their dad was a longshoreman, and the mom was in charge of the Teamsters Union, and they hung out with Westies. They hung out with the fucking, the mother was friends with this dude that was a whatever for the Westies, and he used to get me jobs. He would get me jobs casing joints.

You know, when you have a summer job? No, he would tell me, come here, I want you to go in that warehouse. I'm going to give you $200, and they're going to give you $180. I want you to go in that warehouse. I'm going to give you $200, and they're going to give you $180. I want you to go in that warehouse and write down all the alarms and tell me where the safe is, who walks around the safe, and he would pay me money. This was a great house, though. Old-school Italian house, but back to Bonehead.

Bonehead has the fishing tackle box. He's about to go upstairs to buy heroin and shoot it. He puts the tackle box in the garbage can in front of the building and puts a lid on it. When he's upstairs shooting heroin, the garbage men come, and they take the 40 large with the 30,000 in fucking jewelry. Do you understand me?

I mean, this was nonstop. Another night, Bonehead came home high on heroin, and he decided to make french fries, so he put the pot out. Remember in the 80s, they had those pots you could bring it home with the hot oil, eye on heroin. He decided to make french fries. He put the pot out. Remember in the 80s they had those pots you could bring it home with the hot oil and they would boil and you could throw french fries.

America went crazy over them. I forgot what they were. Crazy. French fry machines. Everybody was making onion rings and shit. Well he did heroin and knotted up. And left that thing around. And the thing went on fire. Of course it did. We're all in the fucking house. Oh Jesus. Alright. That, Jesus. All right? That's oil.

I wake up to ba-boom and alarms and all some curts waking me up and we go out of the house and the father's outside and the grandmother and the fire department crawls on top of the roof, Joe, and they're hitting the fucking roof

to let the smoke out and fire trucks are coming from the side laying water and they got the sirens. In the middle of all this, it's eight in the morning and we all look around and go, oh, my God. Emil's still in the house. Bonehead was still in the house on fire.

Bro, they turn the fire off. They go in. He's still with his feet up. With his hands crossed. Just heroin out of his mind. Watching TV like that. He slept through the fire? Oh, my God, everything.

When they woke him up, he goes, are my fries ready? This is how crazy this family was. Are my fries ready? Are my fries ready? We have two fucking battalions out there. We got half a 9-11 out there. Oh my God. And you're still fucking sleeping.

Oh my God. They burned the house down. you're still fucking sleeping. Oh, my God. They burned the house down. Burned the fucking kitchen down and half the bedroom. They had to move into a hotel for six months. And they had a grandmother downstairs who was old school Italian, but she couldn't smell. So every time we smoked pot, we'd just go down there and blow smoke in her face. And Grandma would pass out in the wheelchair, and that was the end of it. I mean, it didn't stop.

It didn't stop. Jeez. So this is why you get mad at people for binge-watching stuff on Netflix, and this is what you were talking about. I get mad at everything, Lee. What do you got to bother me for? I get mad when people are like that. He used to hide the Coke.

The medium brother used to hide the Coke under his car, and I'd be walking down the hill, and I could see a little container under it. He didn't even have a Maserati. What's the other Italian car? Fiat. This is how much of a guineas these motherfuckers were. What's the other Italian car? Well, it was a Fiat, like you said.

The Avanti. Avanti. Oh, okay, I remember those. Remember that piece of shit? Yeah, that was a piece of shit. Those are pieces of shit. Can you show me a piece of car with Avanti? I don't trust anything Italian.

Oh, my God. He tried to sell it to me once. It was like, it's worth 20. I'll give it to you for two grand. Yeah, I drive it down the corner, it blows up. I feel like even if you buy a Ferrari, I feel like if you drive that thing, it's going to fall apart. I'm like, I trust German cars. I don't trust people like me making cars.

What's the other one? The other one, the Lamborghini. Is that Italian? Yeah, those things fall apart. Do they really? I guarantee you. Just look at them. There's no way that's sturdy.

That's the ugliest fucking car I ever saw. Actually, Lamborghinis are now owned by Audi. So who knows? They might be like much better engineered now. I'm talking shit, obviously. I don't know that much about things other than... I know a lot about Porsches. But there's a lot of cars I don't know that much about things other than, I know a lot about Porsches. But there's a lot of cars I don't understand about.

But, God, those things are disgusting. The Avanti? What a piece of shit. Disgusting. He was trying to sell it to me for two grand. For 30. Look at that thing. It's crazy.

Lamborghinis are like the biggest, like, here's my dick car you can get. Right? That's the car that they had the doors open up sideways. You walk out of that naked. Like if I had that car, I'd just walk out with my dick out. Like what, bitches? Ripping up $20 bills as you go. I'd get a mink jockstrap.

Oh, your boy sent this. Datsusara sent this fanny packs. Oh, really? I got my fanny pack filled to the brim with reed. He's got giant fanny packs. Bro, those are great fanny packs. And they fit me. They're really good if you travel on the road.

You can get a lot of stuff in them. Yeah. No, no, that's true. Your glasses, your license, your passport. Oh, yeah. Well. You don't have one of those. My plane tickets, my keys.

Poor Canadians. They have to come down to America to see you. And they have a great time. Yeah. Don't get them wrong. No, they do. It's a road trip. That's why I do-

Well, you do Buffalo. Yeah, I do Buffalo, Toledo. I try to really give them the benefit. Seattle. Detroit. You've done Detroit? I do Grand Rapids. Grand Rapids.

Grand Rapids. I'm trying to get to Ann Arbor next year. Ann Arbor, we did that once. Did I do that once? I did that once with, I think, Ari? I did it at Ann Arbor back in the day. That's a college town, right? Comedy club down there?

Yeah. You did it with something. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I did it with Segura. You came back and told me to call. You, like, called them. Yeah. Fun.

Fun fucking club. Fun. Yeah, there's some good spots where people can come down, Canadians can come down. Like, well, you can't do Seattle either. What are you going to do, dog? You know what I'm saying? I can't do Idaho either.

You would fucking tear Seattle apart. It's so sad. You can't get into Washington State. They're still breaking my balls, too. Can you work that out? I thought you already had that almost worked out like two years ago. You know what, man? They want a bunch of cash, and they still want me to go up there and surrender myself.

Oh, fuck all that. I'm not surrendering myself. I ain't fucking. Surrendering yourself? What does that even mean? Come on in and turn yourself in, and we'll put you through the process. 12 hours in the holding tank. I ain't got shit to do.

I ain't going to King County fucking jail for that shit. 12 hours in a holding tank. I got shit to do. I ain't going to King County fucking jail for that shit. 12 hours in a holding tank? It's not like you're some threat to society. Why do they have to put you in a holding tank? What kind of weird formality is that? Like, sorry, we have to cuff you. Wait a minute. You know I'm not.

And I have no failure to appears. Like, I've always gone to court. I don't have a failure. I even went to court with an alias. Like, I used an gone to court. I never, I don't have a failure. I even went to court with an alias. Like, I used an alias one time when I got arrested. That's the class I got. I covered the spread. When they arrested me, I gave them, like,

Joe Rogan's name. And not so you wouldn't get a warrant, I went down there and did the 16-hour community service in the AIDS unit, painting for the AIDS people. So next time you look at me and tell me I got no fucking character, think of that. And ten years later, I go to eat dinner with that guy. And he's like, did I ever tell you I got pulled over and I had a warrant in Colorado?

I got arrested in Colorado for shoplifting? No way. I just kept eating my fucking meal. Poor guy. But at least he didn't get arrested. I did his fucking time proof. I did my fucking thing. That is so ridiculous.

Can you imagine getting arrested in Boulder? I think about the words you told me about Boulder once you go. I was driving into Boulder with my wife, and I kept thinking, this must have been a candy store for Joey Diaz. How do you get arrested and they let you out without a license? They're all like barefoot yoga people. Listen to me. I was in jail for three weeks as Jose Diaz, waiting bail for kidnapping.

I sat in there from December, from November 18th to December, like, 9th to 10th. I had to jail-wide. You do know that. You do know that I could just go up to the gardens, I need to make a long-distance call, and he'd let me out. Everybody else had to sign a list.

You do know that. You do know I was smoking weed in there, and I had all access to Kool-Aid because I don't like milk. You don't like milk? I hate fucking milk. I like milkshakes, not milk. I had all access.

Do you know I got arrested three months, not even jail-broken. I got arrested a month after I made bail and they put me back in that jail and I went back as Jimmy. And everybody was calling me Jimmy. No, no, no, no. My name on the fingerprint was the alias

and they're fingerprinting me calling me Joey. How you doing, Joey? How's it been lately? I see you're back in here. Meanwhile, on that card, it blatantly says Jimmy. So they didn't read the card? No. They just assumed it was you,

but you went in with someone else's yeah And then what happened and then I called the girl. They said we can't let you out without a license So driver's license yeah, I didn't have the license for that name In those days there was no paperwork on me at all if you if you arrested me guess Always like jeopardy? Here's your chance to beat Jeopardy. You get no prizes. I never carried a license on me in those

days. Till this day, I hate that bulge in my pocket. I fucking hate it. So what'd you do? So I wouldn't bring an ID with me. So I could be anybody when you arrested me. I could be a fucking penguin for what you fucking did. So you just had nothing on you. Nothing.

So they made me call. So I called my girlfriend at the time and I go, hey, how you doing? This is James. She's like, who? I go, this is James. I took you out to dinner

a couple weeks ago. I lost my license. She's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm just a cop right there. I'm like, I lost my fucking license and these cops won't let me out

unless somebody comes down here and lets me out. Now, she knew the kid I was talking about. You follow me? She always heard me talking about him. So I said, James, James, James, James, James. And she goes, okay, James, this last name. And I go, yeah. And she went down there.

They brought her in. They said, what's his name? James. Where does he live? She told him. And they go, okay, we'll let you out. And that was it. They gave me paperwork

and four days later I turned myself in. I went. I stood in court. I got charged. I pled guilty because I didn't want to fuck with it. I didn't want to take a choplifting thing to trial. They had me. Right. And I fucking did the community service at the age unit

under this guy's name under this guy's name i did all 16 hours of the fucking community corrections but i met a cop that was there see everything works itself onto the other because when i was there there was a cop that would do a detail there in those days the the police aids that age unit was getting getting death threats from like militant people in Boldy, people up in the hill and they had a cop there and I would talk to the cop every day talk to the cop a little bit, hey how you doing officer

and we'd talk about this and that and one day I got into a beef I had two felonies and my ex fucking boyfriend thought he was tough with me and I said you know what I gotta smack this guy but if I get him said, you know what? I got to smack this guy. But if I get him, I got to get him good. And I went to meet him and I fucking smacked him.

Guess who was the first cop on the job? The dude from the AIDS unit. This guy's holding on to his face. He came, he asked me, Joey, what happened? I told him the truth. They gave me a ticket. So life is a circle, my friend. What kind of ticket do you get for slapping someone?

He got a ticket, too. He got a ticket. I got a misdemeanor assault, and he got using a racial slur outside the city limits of Boulder. Oh. Is that really the case? That's really the case. So Boulder's always been like that. Yeah, because the football

players in 85, those football players that were really powerful, those teams that won the national championship, there was always beef with them in Boulder. The cops always had beef with them. So there was one, but there was a couple incidents. It was Canavis McGee. He just smacked the motherfucker's eyeball

out of his head. I told those. I think I'm kidding you. I'm not cracking no jokes. He broke his eye socket. Six foot five, 245. With a smack. With a smack. Jesus. A Stockton slap.

Eyeball went out of his fucking head. Well, he might have had a ring on. And then another lady called J.J. Flanagan a nigger, and he punched her in the face. So they dropped the charges because she said a racial slur. That's hilarious. That a woman can call a guy a n nigga and just get punched in the face. Oh, he slapped her, so they called it the J.J. Flanagan rule. That is so crazy.

When I got arrested for that racial thing, I told him he called me a spick, which he did in front of my daughter. So I smacked him. So wait a minute, did the football player smack her or punch her? I think he smacked her, J.J. Flanagan. On the street corner in the Pearlen, Pearl Street Mall or something. That's how strong that word is. Just smack her. It's the only word that has a letter.

Like you could kind of say the F word, but most people say fuck. And he was still, this is still 88. This is 88. This is 90. These are the times when they were coming down on CU football, but they had a lot of shit going on. Like, there's a document. There's a 30 for 30. Oh, really?

It's a great 30 for 30. Let me ask you this. Why do you think Boulder's always been so liberal? Because they want to be. They had that right to be. These are people that want to live. You know, the Boulder now, I might as well go to Santa Monica. It's the same fucking people. What do you mean? It's the same people. That was not the Boulder when I got there in 1980. Not even close.

What's the difference? I don't know what the Gentiles, you know, Starbucks. That's not what Boulder was supposed to be. Boulder was totally brought up to be anti very much establishment. Very, you know, people who have soap companies. Right. People who have shirts with designs of the Grateful Dead. But that's what it is.

Right. If that's what it is, let that be that. Well, there's a bunch of people in Boulder that'll just go Democrat no matter what. Which means? They just vote Democrat. They don't vote Republican ever. So when I was there, it was during the Obama election after he got elected for the first term. That's when I was there.

And I was like, it's just so weird that there's so many different people that have the same thing on their front lawn. It's Obama, Obama, Obama. Like everywhere you look, you didn't see any Republican thing on their front lawn it's obama obama obama like everywhere you look you didn't see any uh republican candidates on anybody's lawns you just didn't see that what is the rest of colorado like way republican way more republican rest of colorado's like cowboys and shit denver is kind of a mixture denver you get a little bit of everything is it sort of like austin texas like that sort of like no, no. Because Austin is more like cowboy funky. Austin's different.

Austin has like a lot of badass music comes from Austin. Fucking Gary Clark Jr. comes from Austin. Yeah, but the state of mind of Boulder and Austin were pretty much similar representing their states. Right, but you can't compare them because Boulder's only 100,000 people. It's a tiny ass place. Austin's a million. What's the population of Boulder's only 100,000 people. It's a tiny-ass place. Austin's a million. What's the population of Boulder? 100,000.

Still. It's tiny. You can't build. They don't let you build. They got that place locked down. Well, that's what I'm saying. They always- They buy up open space.

Yeah, Boulder always wanted to be different than everybody else. When I first went to Boulder, I first peaked at Boulder July of 83 And I was like I'll never come to this fucking place Too boring? I was from New York City, guy Get us the population, Jay And all of a sudden

I'm dealing with people It says it's 100,000 The metro's about 300,000 It's 100,000 The metro's 300,000? Yeah, but it's Oh, okay It's estimated

It's about 100,000 Where you going, Joey? What are you doing? Stepping back to chew? You were in the middle of a story. Yeah, Austin's a totally different animal. Austin is much more like a... I just meant in the way like Texas is right Republican.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. But there's a lot of Republicans in Austin. Austin's not entirely liberal. Austin's a mixture. It's a weird mixture. Boulder's not lot of Republicans in Austin. Austin's not entirely liberal. Austin's a mixture. It's a weird mixture. Boulder's not much of a mixture. Greg Fitzsimmons said it best.

He's like, it's just too one note. He liked Denver because we were talking about how amazing Colorado is. And he did a weekend at the Comedy Works. He's like, you know what? I could fucking live here. He goes, I don't really say that about many places, but I could live there. And we were talking about Boulder. And he's like, I think Boulder's just a little too one note. They're a little too college-influenced, super liberal, social justice warrior-type,

vegan, barefoot, handcrafted, all that nonsense. You know, there's like a lot of... The People's Republic of Boulder. That's what they call it. The People's Republic of Boulder. Yeah. That's what they call it. People's Republic of Boulder. It's a weird place. But that has an attraction. Yeah.

Oh, listen, it's peaceful. To me, it was an attraction. They're very nice people. At that time in my life, Boulder just meant something to me. It meant peace of mind. I don't know. I don't know what it meant. Well, the place itself is so fucking beautiful.

I mean, you're there in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, and you just sit. Sometimes you just, like, you go to Boulder, you just, what's that street, that mall street? Pearl. Pearl Street. Pearl Street Mall. And when you just look up and you see,

you're looking at fucking, you leave the street, and you look up, you're looking at, like, mountains. It's the Rocky Mountains right there. Like, you're in this beautiful, amazing spot, and the people, it's not that many people. I think that's a big thing I think when you get too many people in a place that gets annoying that you fucking don't appreciate each other as much Just too many fucking people. There's three million people five is growing a lot since I left

It has but Can't grow much more than it's already grown What they've done is amazing is buy up so much open space and make it super difficult to put up apartment buildings. And people are like, that's bullshit. We need affordable housing. Drive to Boulder, stupid. Drive there. Just fucking beautiful.

Part of the Denver metro area is included in that $300,000. Okay, it's Arvada and places like that. Well, it's like Longmont. Not L it's like Longmont, Lafayette. You know what's the hidden gem? Evergreen. Evergreen's the shit. God damn, they have some views. Evergreen has some ridiculous views.

Where you're just tucked in with this giant elk herd that walks down through the middle of town. They had a giant elk herd walking through the middle of the street. And a buddy of mine moved there. And he was living in Vegas before. And he was asking about Colorado. I said, you've got to check out Evergreen. And he went there once and bought a house, immediately moved. And he texted me that these elk, they get in the middle of the street.

moved and uh he texted me that these elk they get in the middle of street and someone who was from out of town apparently was like beeping and trying to get the elk out of the road and like revving his engine because he was in a rush and some old cowboy got out of his truck walked up to dude's car window punched him through the car window and then got back in his truck because the guy was harassing the elk herd. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's no joke, dude. That's really what happens in Evergreen. This is a herd of elk walking down the middle of the street, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it.

And because the people in the town itself, I mean, they don't really hunt them when they do that. So the elk feel super calm about walking on the highway in front of everybody. Because if they were in the woods with you like that, they would fucking bolt if they saw a person. If they smelled you, they would bolt. But meanwhile, these things have chosen to go by the road. It's interesting, too, because they don't recognize people as predators in those situations. It's like people around urban areas aren't predators, but people in the mountains are predators. It's real weird.

So for generations, that group of elks has just been walking down the street? Yeah. That's unbelievable. It's crazy. Not only that, I mean, that's the case everywhere. Like in Yellowstone,

there was a video that someone sent me today. I don't think I retweeted it. Someone sent me, I didn't watch it, I wasn't getting self-service, but there's a video that someone sent me today. I don't think I retweeted it. Someone sent me. I didn't watch it. I wasn't getting self-service. But there's a video that someone sent me today about some woman who got too close to an elk in Yellowstone, I guess. It was real recently. But for the most part, they don't worry about people.

They're worried about wolves and grizzly bears and shit. They see a person. They go, because no one's hunted in Yellowstone for over 100 years. So, elk see people there, and they're like, what's up, dude? How you doing, man? Got some carrots for me? Is this it? Yeah.

Yellowstone elk decides a woman is too close for comfort. Yeah, go, go, go, oh, oh. Oh, no, oh, no. Oh. Yes, did you get that

on video? Oh, oh, she just got launched. Wow. I was just going to tell you, ma'am, could you please? Oh, oh. Yeah. Oh. Yes, did you get that on video? Oh, I didn't get to tell you, ma'am. Could you please... Oh, oh.

Yeah. Oh. Yes, did you get that on video? I didn't get it. Look, she went sailing. It's a video. Wow. I almost...

Whoa. I was just going to tell you, you're too close to that elf, and that's why. You're the most toxic second out there. Thank you. 25 yards, ma'am. I know. It's been a long time. Thank you, sir.

Thank you. 25 yards, ma'am. I know. It's been a long time. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. That's the, I just got humbled, sir. That's a certain kind of sir. Have you seen the video of the hunter getting beaten by a deer? Yeah, I've seen. There's a bunch of those. Just kicks him in the face. They'll fuck you up, especially in the rut.

They're horny and they think you're cock blocking them. They get mad. Jack you. are you serious oh yeah people have died from deer a lot of people have died because they get gored like the you know they're they're either hunting them or they're hiking them or whatever you know whatever reason they may be like that lady they get stupid like she was lucky that that was either a cow elk or that was an elk that didn't have antlers yet because they shed their antlers and then they grow them back um so she got lucky because if that was a big bull elk there's one this one this is

the one i saw he just kicks him that guy has dog shit jujitsu first of all he's spinning for one of those rear legs you you try to get him in a heel hook on that real real i i uh kimura'd a deer's leg and snapped it in half after it was already dead. He's just trying to I was like I wonder if this would work deer Snapped its leg when Callan and I and went hunting in Montana So I feel real confident that I could heel hook a deer fuck it up. Have you lost your fucking? The I take his back take his back. Yeah, sure take that fucking you sure I'll take his back.

Take his back. Yeah, sure. Take that fucking beard back. Yeah, sure. Then you're in the hospital with a ball. And a head brace on. Fucking. By the way, my thoughts for Eddie Bravo, he's probably just recovering right now. Yeah, he's in the hospital today.

Eddie got his discs replaced. How long does that take now? I don't think the operation is just a few hours. And the recovery time is ridiculously low. I think in six weeks, he's allowed to start lifting weights. So six weeks, his body has to heal up. So I'm talking out of school because I don't know the exact procedure, but I know this is what he told me is that they're replacing a disc with a titanium disc.

They have some sort of a new technology in disc replacement where they used to take the disc out and then they would fuse it together. Right. Now instead they'll put an artificial disc and it's supposed to be just as good as a real disc. And the difference being that like when they would fuse those discs, it would limit your mobility pretty drastically because you don't have any articulation in between the two joints.

Now that they have this artificial disc, that artificial disc actually moves around and it allows your spine to be flexible. So one of the guys from school, Victor, got it done. And apparently he's never been better. He feels great. No pain at all. And it was bothering him for a long time. And Eddie's been bothering his for almost as long as i've known him because he does so much stuff from his back you know it's all guard work and it's getting stacked all the time and compressed all the time

and not you know not the most diligent about stretching the back out early in his career you know just you take you stretch it before and after you do you definitely should warm up before right um but the big thing is mobility mobility training meaning um doing things like bending down grabbing the back of your heel with your four fingers on both sides and trying to put your pinkies together and then extending your legs you're popping your back and stretching your back out. For me, that's big. Hanging by your ankles is big. Any sort of decompression, anything that alleviates pressure.

I have one that I put on my neck. It's like I'm hanging myself. I go click, click, click, click, click, click, click. And I'm literally hanging a good percentage of my weight from my neck. Then I have a bunch of them in the back. I have different decompression devices in the back. I've got the Reverse Hyper, of them in the back. I have different decompression devices in the back. I've got the reverse hyper, which strengthens your back,

and also it's like an active moving decompression of the back. That's created by that Louis Simmons guy from Westside Barbell. Just a genius guy. He had a back injury too, and he needed to get it fixed, and they wanted to cut him. And he's like, I think I can figure this out. I think there's got to be an exercise that strengthens this instead of surgery

and so that's what he came up with. But see, in Eddie's position, I don't even know if that would have helped because Eddie was so far gone, he didn't have any disc left. There was nothing there. You know in Alberto's,

they do the 12 o'clock class and at 1.15, it's a mobility class for a half hour. Is that that kettle jitsu guy? No. But isn't there a guy? Yes. No, but he't there a guy? Yes.

No, but he's got tick fit. Tick fit. He's got tick fit. What does that mean? Tick fit is that new training with the bats. How do you say tick? I don't know. How do you spell it?

T-I-C-F-I-T, I think. Tick. Huh. Tick fit. And it's the stuff with the bat. Okay. Like Escrima? Like that kind of stuff

No no no Police baton What do they have on it now Oh you mean maces like steel mace Or club I feel like we're playing charades The club They do something with a club

And they have a class at 9 And then they have a class at 1 And they have a class at 6.30 What he's been doing they have a class at 1, and they have a class at 6.30. What he's been doing lately, he's like, you know what, man? My 1's been light. Why don't I come out here and do mobility with you guys from 115 to 145 after the class when you're all warmed up already after jiu-jitsu? And he just does, you know, squat, touch the ground, lift your foot down,

then go up and switch legs. You know, just stuff like that. Six exercises, three minutes with a thing, and you're out of there. You stretch, and you're out of there. It's no big deal. I mean, you break a sweat on some of them, you know. Downward dog to something else, into a Hindu push-up.

You know what's the problem with jiu-jitsu is that it's fun. And when it's fun, you're going in there and you're getting smashed all the time. And overall, you don't give yourself a lot of time to recover from those rolling sessions and there's a lot of little micro injuries in those rolling sessions and some of those micro injuries become chronic after a while like eddie's back or like for me it was my neck just like over and over again you're doing the same thing over and over again you're ow it's sore the next day you just keep training you keep training you develop scar tissue your discs get compressed and then you start

getting weird shit like numbness like some guys get like numb feet like uh kade my friend kate his lower leg is still numb still numb uh my hands i was getting numb hands boss rootin's got like a whole his whole like neck area is fucked He's had several surgeries in his neck and he's got at least two discs, maybe three discs frozen. And fucking like the discs are removed and the bones are fused in his neck. Oof. I try to take a day in between. Except the days I have to go on the road. The weeks I have to go on the road, I want to get three in.

So I just do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and get on a plane Thursday. But the weeks I'm in town all week, I'll do Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And then sometimes, like this week, I did Sunday and I went Monday. But Sunday's very light. It's just three-minute rolls and guard pass stuff. He's a great guy. He doesn't really, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays are the hard ones. Sundays I go because the guy is just so great technically.

I always learn one little stupid thing, you know, just one little stupid thing. You roll like two or three times and you're out of there. Right. But I always try to take, even if I want to go that day, even if I feel okay and I'm not sore, I'll take the day off. Because I don't want to go every day. I don't want to do that.

You know, I'll do a light kettlebell workout or something. But then there's other people that think you just keep doing it and eventually your body hardens up. Yeah, I don't know. I guess it depends on how you approach it. I know Bourdain does it every day. He trains every day. Sometimes he does it twice a day. He'll take a private and then he'll take a group class.

Well, it's an age thing. It's the time barrier. And it's also, like for me, it's the weight. You know, when you judo throw me, it's 300 pounds. It's 295. You do that 10 times, the next day something's going to be rattled in my fucking hips. Last week we had a guy, Enrique Machado.

He's Jacare's coach in the Amazon. You got to take a plane, a boat, and a fucking bicycle. I'm not trying to be cute. It's the truth. We had Alberto. I remember Alberto was saying that the one place in Brazil that you got to train 10 hours,

then you got to walk a mile, then you got to go across. And one of these things is someday somebody would steal the paddle. Can you imagine? Jesus. 10 hours of fucking fucking around, an hour mile walk, and now somebody steals the fucking paddle. I can't even paddle to my fucking house. And there was shit in the water. And there was

shit in the water because the house, the sewage would go into the water. Oh, Jesus. No, no, no, no. And then you wonder why they got Zika and everybody's heads getting big in Brazil and shit. Small. That's what happened to Alhauser. I think that's what they gave Jose Aldo against the fight against McGregor, the Zika virus. They all

fucked up. They had him crying after the show and shit. They had a camera in the room. I'm telling you, Dana found the way to give them the Zika virus and shit. Could you imagine how bad the population would be if there was no viruses? If there was no diseases?

If diseases didn't kill anybody? I mean, how many people are killed? Let's just take a guess. How many people are killed every year by disease? Let's guess. Two million? Three million? How many people are killed every year by disease? Let's guess. Two million? Three million? How many people do you think? Probably around there, but it's not in America. I think it's in, like... Right. Did you see that picture, by the way, of that

ladder in China? Ladder in China. Kids were climbing up. It's places like that. It's like a 2,000 foot bamboo ladder that six-year-olds are climbing up. Why are they doing that? It's the only way to get to their town. What?

Yeah. Have you seen that, Jamie? Jesus Christ. A 2,000-foot ladder? It might not be feet. It might be... Look at this. Oh, my God.

Children in China who climb 2,500-foot cliff to get to school may be given stairs. Oh. Pussies. They're six years old. So it's places like this, I think. Oh my god. Look at this, dude. They're climbing with their backpacks on. Imagine sending your little baby and your baby has to climb

2,500 feet on this janky-ass wooden ladder that looks like it was made when Columbus was sailing. Look how fucking wanky that ladder looks. That's insane. See if there's any other pictures. That is fucking bananas. Oh, those poor kids. They got a hard look

on their face, man. Jesus, that's so crazy. I wonder, you know there's one fucking weak-ass bitch kid that starts crying, I can't make it, and then he falls. I would have fallen, but's so crazy. I wonder, you know there's one fucking weak-ass bitch kid that starts crying, I can't make it, and then he falls. I would have fallen. Not in China. Not in China, they don't make it.

They don't make it. Those kids don't make it. That is bananas. So yeah, I think it's places like this where people are dying of viruses, because you never really hear about it in America that often. Well, people definitely die of the flu here in America. That's still happening. I bet thousands Well, people definitely die of the flu here in America. Oh, okay. That's still happening.

I bet thousands of people die every year from the flu. But as far as how many people die from diseases worldwide, I'm going to say every year. I'm going to say 20 million. How many people? Well, it depends on what kind of disease, because there's lots of disease. Cardiovascular disease is the number one killer. But that's just like poor health. It says, though, in 2012, an estimated 56 million people died.

Just died. In America? I think this is the whole world. No. No. 56 million. In the whole world? If that was America, that would be like...

In one year? That would be a sixth of the country dying in one year. It wouldn't happen in just America. But in the whole world, only 56 million people out of whole world? If that was America, that would be like... In one year? That would be a sixth of the country dying in one year. Right. It wouldn't happen in just America. But in the whole world, only 56 million people out of 7 billion in a year? That's an estimation. They can't count all of them. Would you have guessed that that would be what it was? I don't know.

I would have thought it would have been way higher. What would you think for a year? How many people die in a year? Actually, I think 56 million is a pretty big number if you really stop and think about it. And they're not counting anybody in Africa. No. 35 million people in Canada. That's twice that at least. Yeah.

I guess that makes sense. When you say disease, this is HIV? Yeah, like syphilis. Anybody die of crabs? Flu? Zika? Yeah, Zika. I don't think Zika is really killing many people. It just fucks up kids.

It just really fucks women up when they get it. Apparently you can get it and not even know you have it. You get pregnant. That fucks your kid up. Non-communicable disease is responsible for 38 million of those. Okay, so that's like heart disease and... And cardiovascular. Cancer.

2.6 million. What I'm interested in is like malaria and shit like that. HIV decreased slightly from 1.7 deaths and 2 million to 1.5 million, so only 200,000 less. 1.5 million people die every year from HIV? Diarrhea is no longer among the top five leading causes of death. Diarrhea and AIDS, neck and neck.

People die from diarrhea? Of course, yeah. They get dehydrated. But how bizarre is it that AIDS kills that many people? HIV death decreased 1.7 million to 1.5 million in 2012. That's still crazy. Like, when was the last time you heard about someone in America dying from HIV? You don't hear about it very often.

Don't they say complications? Yeah, they usually just talk about pneumonia. Because HIV is the nucleus, but something later gets a deficiency or something. Yeah, that definitely can be it. HIV is the nucleus, but something later gets a deficiency or something. Yeah. That definitely can be it. You know, my uncle got whatever with cancer four years ago. Got whatever with cancer? He got diagnosed with cancer.

Oh, okay. The crazy one. Oh, really? The one I pulled the gun on. Yeah? You know, he's still alive. That happens. No chemo.

What does he do? Changes his whole diet. No sugar. Everything is organic. Really? Everything is organic. Everything is vegan. Really? Everything is organic. Everything is vegan. And what happened?

He's still alive. He still works the door at his bar. He just bit slapped somebody about three months ago. He still walks five miles a day in Griffith Park, and he still hits the bag for an hour. What's his cancer like? Do you get it checked out, or does he just say, fuck it? His cancer is from testosterone. His cancer is from testosterone?

He's been doing testosterone since he was 35 he had three households going he's got three households going what do you mean he had the wife and the kid oh this you told me that he cheated on her but he had the hooker for 30 years who he still is has a relationship with and then he fucked her cousin and she had a kid that lives in the backyard. Boris lives in the backyard. They got him in the back. Oh my God. Three households.

Oh my God. And that was just... Did they all know about each other at least? Everybody knew. That's good. Everybody knew. Otherwise it would be too much pressure. The fucking...

The one wife just brought the kid home after he fucked the cousin because it's like all right he was fucking the straight one then he fucked the cousin once she had the kid and she goes you went back with my cousin she just walked the kid to his house one day she goes i don't want this fucking kid this is your problem and she's never seen the kid since oh my god my uncle's got him in the back like Boris. Oh my God. Fucking whipping him as shit. Jesus Christ. Get the wood. That is so crazy.

It's fucking crazy. Three households. I have a hard time with my daughter and my wife. Never mind three fucking households. Like, do you think a guy like that does that just for a distraction? Or is he just retarded? He's just retarded. My uncle's just retarded.

He's retarded. Now he's just retarded. He's retarded. Now he's banging a new one that's like 40. And how old is he? 78. He's got a 40-year-old? A 40-year-old. He hooks up with on Thursdays and he takes it to the fish market. You go to Redondo.

Real weird place to take a girl. Well, he takes it down. There's a fish market. So he eats all the natural fish and shit. Right. And he fucks the shit out of it. And he brings it home. He gives us some of that cancer dick.

He gives us some of that heavy duty cancer dick. And he rocks the world. So the whole family's concerned because they know when he punches the ticket, he's going to leave all his money there. So everybody's pissed off. We don't know where he goes on Thursdays. I do. You better get your clocks fixed. Isn't that funny that people worry about that?

They're worried. They like someone more than them when it comes to the money. Where's the money going? You know, man, it's one of the ugliest. I just got a call from a school teacher, and he goes, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you. He goes, I've just had the hardest two months of my fucking life. My mom died.

What a fucking nightmare. What a fucking nightmare. What a fucking nightmare death is. And then everybody, because nobody gives a fuck. And also it's like Prince. Prince dies, no will, $2 billion, six motherfucking savages. He had $2 billion? I don't know what he had. $250 million fucking.

Do you think he really had no will? I've heard a lot of things talking about how involved in copyright he was with his own music, which is especially why he changed his name. And to think he would not think to have a will seems really strange. There's some people who think it's bad luck. Yeah, Prince was crazy. Prince was crazy. You think that that would be odd for him to not have a will? I don't know. I don't think it's bad luck. Yeah, Prince was crazy. Prince was crazy. Like, you think that that would be odd

for him to not have a will? I don't know. I don't think it would be that odd. He was so odd anyway. Being that invested in your money, because that's what he was worried about with knowing all this thing, that's the last, I don't know. Maybe he didn't want to be valuable. Maybe he didn't want to be valuable when he was dead to family members

and shit. Maybe he didn't want to, like, have that. He's like, who cares what happens to my money when I i'm dead the problem is the government gets a big chunk of it if you don't have it written off if you don't have it given off to uh various family members i think the government gets a fat piece but don't they still get a piece they definitely get a piece they get a piece not only do they get a piece they get a piece from money that you've already been taxed on like say if joey makes a million dollars right and joey has a million dollars in the bank and he leaves it all to you joey didn on. Like say if Joey makes a million dollars, right? And Joey has a million dollars in the bank and he leaves it all to you.

Joey didn't make a million dollars to get a million dollars. He had to make way more than a million dollars. So he probably had to make closer to two because when you get over $250,000, tax percentage is like 40 something percent and then sales tax and all the other taxes that you have to take into consideration, state tax, all this different stuff, right?

Property tax. Think about all the taxes you pay. To save up a million bucks, it's a lot of money. So if he leaves out that million bucks to you, you don't get the million dollars. You have to be taxed on that million dollars. So you have to be taxed on money he's already been taxed on. It's not like he's – unless he gives you gold coins. But even if he gives you gold coins, you owe the value

of those gold coins in tax. You owe a percentage in tax. It's fucking gross. I have a safe. And every day I put a gold coin in there. I put money in the bank. I got a half a million in the bank. I got 800,000 in savings.

But I probably got like two million back then in coins that nobody knows about. I leave them to Joe Rogan. Would Joe Rogan pay taxes on that shit? Yes, I would. You would, legit? Yes, I would. Even if nobody would? Well, otherwise, it wouldn't be mine unless you'd written it off to me, right?

So once you write it off to me, then it becomes mine. So if it becomes mine, that's the money that someone just gave me. I got to pay tax on it. So Uncle Sam is just a robber. Just like, oh, would you get a gift, Joey? You get a gift from Lee? That's some money that someone just gave me. I got to pay tax on it. Uncle Sam is just a robber. Just like, oh, would you get a gift, Joey? You get a gift from Lee? That's nice. That's nice.

How come I didn't get a gift? Where's my fucking gift? I want my fucking gift! I want you in a cage! What if Uncle Sam don't know about that $2 million? Would you rat yourself? Well, you have to figure out a way that you have that $2 million. See, if someone gives it to you,

what is this? Gift tax. Gift tax. Okay, how does that work? The following gifts are considered to be taxable gifts when they exceed an annual gift exclusion amount of $14,000.

Taxable gifts count as part of $5.3 million in 2014. You're allowed to give away during your lifetime before you must pay the gift tax what hold the fuck on gifts subjects to the so if i give you something that's expensive you have to pay a gift tax it's over a certain amount of money that's disgusting. That's disgusting. It really is. It's really sad.

That's just sad. It's sad that we live in this fucking country that thinks it's okay to steal money like that from people. Like, say if you don't have anything, and you don't make a lot of money, and a guy gives you $20,000. You have to give the government a piece of that $20,000. Fuck them. Fuck them. I mean, fuck that. That's bullshit. you have to give the government a piece of that $20,000 fuck them fuck them I mean fuck that that's bullshit

when I first moved here it was my first real adult job and I figured out I was working 30% of the time for the government they take 30% and it just blew my mind and then I don't know what's going on with Trump but in the last election I think Mitt Romney finally came out and said he paid like something

like 17 percent yeah which is like they it's an it's it's so sad it's it frustrates people when like the rich people can have all those deductions and pay 17 percent oh yeah we're paying 30 well there's tax shelters and then there's also storing money overseas. That's where things get real weird. Because there's a lot of super fucking uber rich people that have a fuckload of money stored overseas. And by doing that, and by these overseas tax shelters, they can fucking hide a lot of money. You know who's got that going on? Remember that dude who had those late night commercials? The weight loss secrets they don't want you to know about. Kevin trudeau remember that kevin trudeau guy yeah that guy made a

fucking grip of money ripping people off and vanished and uh he went to jail he went to jail but the money vanished like he just like there's a lot like he's claiming he doesn't know where any of it is and so they lock him up they're gonna lock him up for like 10 years but then once he gets out that guy's gonna get in a fucking raft he's gonna pedal out to the middle of the ocean get picked up by a yacht and swept off to costa rica wherever the fuck he's got that money hidden like these a lot of these like really rich dudes they figure out a way to preserve as much of that money as possible that's why they a guy like b guy like Bernie Sanders comes along and they fucking freak out. They go, shut him up.

Shut him up. The fuck is he saying? He wants more people to pay how much? And then there's rates where he was in favor of, say, if you make a certain amount a year, like if you make more than $15 million a year, let's just make up a number, then every dollar over that, they could tax you by some stupid amount. Wasn't it like 90%? 90%, yeah.

Yeah. And he said he didn't think that was too much. The idea is you shouldn't be winning the game that much. The game is about money. And the idea is, well, we should probably control how much money people make. Because it shouldn't be just about money. It should be about productivity, how much you contribute. It shouldn't be that you figure out how to move numbers around and some accounts. And because of that, you've made $3 billion. Like what have you done? What have you actually

contributed to society? You've figured out some weird little loopholes and little sneaky ways you can move ones and zeros around on servers. And because of that, you've made a billion dollars. So his idea is that that shouldn't be possible. And that after, you know, it's not like you can't be rich, but everything after like $15 million a year, you got to fucking just give it all back. But people are not going to work that hard. They're going to get to that $15 million a year mark and they're going to slow it down and back it off.

Just go on vacation, yeah. Well, it slows productivity because those crazy fucks, as dark as it is, they have to be watched. There's got to be some regulation because greedy fucking people get greedy. But if you don't have their ability to push it to the limit, if they don't have that ability, we'll have a lot less things that are new. A lot less innovation. There'll be a lot less companies, huge companies like Apple, and companies where you buy awesome shit.

It's going to be a lot less of them. People are not going to push that hard because they're not going to get the benefits. You get crazy benefits when you're some Elon Musk character. When you've got billions and billions of dollars. There's a crazy benefit to that. Not just to get the benefits that you like you get crazy benefits when you're some elon musk character you know when you've got billions and billions of dollars there's a crazy benefit to that not just a benefit in terms of like being uh a guy who's like an innovator and someone who makes cool shit

but there's also benefits financially like that guy lives in a castle right he can do whatever the fuck he wants he flies around private jets If you're limiting people and limiting their, the amount of money they can make that drastically, you're going to lose a lot of those people. It's not a good argument for, uh, going against sort of organizing wealth to the point where wealth distribution, but it's a, it's the reality of human nature. You know, people, People aren't going to work that hard If they can't make a grip of money They want to make Fat cash

Joey Diaz But again I put a box of two million dollars And I leave it to you I think at the fucking wake My wife gives you two million I have to pay Would you?

Have to Why? Because you go to jail Are you chewing gum? Yeah Don't do that How would they find out they're gonna find out because I have two million dollars all of a sudden no They're not what am I gonna do with the money? Just keep it in a bag no

But you know you money has like like they could find out But if they see is here's the thing if you if they found out you're going to jail You don't trust the person if you have two million dollars listen if you have two million dollars and you go to jail you would give that two million dollars back to get out of jail you would I know somebody who died and left a million cash it was an illegal type shady character the hands the money went to three different places now the sisters got it and she never paid taxes she just came from Cuba she's spending a little bit here and there?

That's right. If I gave you $2 million, the first thing you'd do is go to Lee. Lee's got a restaurant on Ventura Boulevard. Angelina's. I don't know what he grosses out of there. But you go to Lee and you go, I'm going to give you $100,000 a year. You're going to pay me $60,000. I'm not going to show up to work.

You're going to pay me $60,000 a year and give my money back, and I'll pay taxes on that stupid amount. I ain't giving nobody half a million dollars that you left me. That's an interesting way to do it, have like a no-work job. Yeah, you have to pay somebody. You keep $40,000. Well, I can't do it. It's illegal.

$40,000. Shut your fucking mouth. To the day I die, to the day I die, you get an extra $40,000 off me just for doing the paperwork this much. Well, that would work if you could do it that way. There's ways to do it. There's ways to do it. Somebody leaves me $2 million fucking dollars that's not in the television industry.

This guy sold coke or whatever. Here's the problem. I ain't saying dick. That person. I ain't saying dick, dog. That person has to figure out a way to justify getting that money. Like, where'd you get that $100,000? Where'd that go?

Nobody knows. Listen, there's tons of people that have done shit you just said it yourself listen you work hard for your money you're gonna send money to some fucking bahamian bank with two fucking uh guys with weapons holding your money good fucking luck nobody sends over 50 mil unless they got 50 mil hidden over here. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. You see what happened to Johnny Depp in that movie he did with the Coke when he went back down and the Panamanian government took his fucking money. It took $250 million from him. Blow. That happens all the time.

That happens all the fucking time. Those Swiss bank accounts, you trust somebody with your fucking $10 million over there? Really? For me to put $10 million 12 hours in me, I got to have $10 million close by too. There's got to be some, I know a thousand, you know, when they watch Narcos, those fucking Panamanians, whatever they were, they were making so much money they were burying it. Colombians. Burying it.

Yeah. Like it was seeds. Yeah. Like we'll just plant the money tree. They had to figure out were burying it. Colombians. Burying it. Yeah. Like it was seeds. Yeah. Like we'll just plant the money tree. They had to figure out where to put it. Weren't they saying

he spent $2,500 a month on rubber bands for something crazy? What do you do with that shit? You know how many millions of dollars? How much a month?

$2,500 is what I saw on rubber bands. One time he burnt a million dollars just to stay warm. Jesus Christ. It was cold that night. He just put money in that thing and million dollars just to stay warm. Jesus Christ. It was cold that night. He just put money in the thing, lit it just to stay warm.

I wonder what keeps a guy like that. Here's a perfect example. I mean, not, it's obviously drug dealing and not capitalism. But what keeps a guy pushing when he's making that much money? What keeps the empire going? What keeps a guy from Virgin America? What keeps an American? What keeps Trump building and making millions of fucking dollars?

Yeah, what is it? Power. Right. It's got to be three of the seven. Yeah, you were speaking about addiction to drama earlier. It seems like it would probably be the same thing. Lost greed, get your dick sucked. That, listen, that.

Rats ate $1 billion of Pablo Escobar's profits each year. He was earning so much a year we would write off 10% of the money because rats would eat it in storage or be damaged by water or lost. Holy shit. Cartel spent 25, yeah, rubber bands to hold the money together.

Oh my God. Those are crazy stats. But the thing about Escobar is he made more money than he could ever possibly spend, and yet he kept working. He kept wanting that money to come in. He kept working, and from what little I've seen, people loved him there because he would build soccer stadiums and do all that. I think that's part of the reason why people get annoyed with Trump or whoever you want to say here because it doesn't seem like they're doing anything. Well, it's also that thing when you're

selling drugs. You get locked up in a business like Escobar was where he had so much power and so much drugs he was selling. You don't want to give that power to somebody else. So once you've got that whole thing down and you're making all that money, you must be incredibly reluctant to give that up. I mean, think about how long it took him to put together the network

to make the kind of money that he was making towards the end. Very reluctant to just hand that over to somebody else because the business is always going to be there the demand's always going to be there the supply is always going to be there like who's making these transactions you just have to give it to somebody else and then plus you'd open yourself up to all these other fucking drug dealers becoming just as crazy as you were when you're coked up and nuts? He, I read one of his books. I read one of the books by a Colombian journalist. Like, I just don't read any author.

This guy was referred to me. This guy really worked in the trenches. He was an amazing, like he could have ran any CEO fucking 500 company and outshone him with a third grade education. What did he have? He knew what he had. He knew the price. He knew how to buy people off. And he knew how to speak.

He was a fucking yahoo. If you looked at him in the street and I go, that guy makes $6 million an hour, you go, Joey, look at his belt buckle. Look at his belt buckle. He's got a belt buckle this big. But the guy made so much money. I knew a guy that was making $6 million every six weeks. $6 million every six weeks? Every six weeks. But I know him personally, no. But I knew him on sight. I knew what he

did. What was he doing? What do you think he was doing? He wasn't even looking at the coke. You understand me? He wasn't even looking at it. It was understand me? Wasn't even looking at it. It was coming from Columbia. It would land in Denver. And from Denver, he would ship it to Milwaukee, Hawaii, and all the states surrounding it. And how would he ship it?

Trucks. White people with a family. Put it in the trunk of a car and we're going skiing. Meanwhile, while you're going skiing, you've got 25 fucking pounds in the back of your truck. You don't even see it. And so you go somewhere, you meet somebody, you hand it off. You don't even hand it off.

Just give them the car. It's like a movie. It's like a giant demo. Just give them the car. You see all this Johnny Depp shit that's going on in the news? Doug Stanhope wrote an article. It's scary. Yeah. Well, it's one of two things, right?

Either Johnny Depp really beat up his girlfriend, or his girlfriend is lying and saying that Johnny Depp beat him up and Stanhope and his girlfriend saw it the whole time. That's Stanhope's version of it. I trust Stanhope. I trust him very well. I trust Stanhope about as much as anybody I know. I trust Stanhope. I trust him very well.

I trust Stanhope about as much as anybody I know. So if he says that, that she was manipulating him and that she was going to, she had said and he was worried that she was going to do this. Yeah, Johnny Depp is being blackmailed by Amber Heard. Here's how I know, guest column, Doug Stanhope, the rap. A bunch of people got upset at me for tweeting that. It's because you're not supposed to take a side. And if you do take a side, you have to take the woman's side.

Because the woman could potentially be actually getting abused. Did he get arrested? I don't think so. The cops came and I think they found no evidence. Do you know what happens when the cops come and there's an argument now? Yeah, they take you away. It's not good. Yeah, they take the man away. No, he wasn't there.

He fled the scene. Did he? Yeah, he fled the scene. But if there was a problem... They would have come and got him. They would have come and got him. Even with the pictures, if there was pictures and shit's broken, now because of OJ, you have to. Especially in L.A.

Yeah. Especially in L. Yeah. Especially in LA. But it's weird how many people like automatically assumed that he was beating her up. It's, um, why is it that someone wants to pick a side? Is it like to show that you're a good person and you side with the woman always? Is that what it is?

Like what's going on? Like why, why do people pretend that some people aren't manipulative? That some people are manipulative? And we know that, right? We know some people are manipulative. We know some people lie. We know some people set people up.

We know some people blackmail people. We know that's real. But why, how come when it's a girl, we all of a sudden go, well, I can't think that way. Man, I can't believe you're supporting a wife beater. What are you, were you there? She had that way. Man, I can't believe you're supporting a wife beater. Were you there? She had a scar.

She had a scar over her eye. She got a restraining order. I just can't figure out why they didn't arrest him. Yeah, maybe he's got recordings or something. Maybe he knows something. But he definitely has a bunch of witnesses saying that Johnny Depp was worried about it before it ever happened. First of all, Joe Rogan, they live in a creepy life. Creepy? How so?

They don't live in a real life, Joe Rogan. I love Johnny Depp. He's done some great movies. But any of those actors at that level, you just said you were talking about, I just saw a clip where you told me personally about you went to Naomi Campbell's party. How is that different from your fucking

birthday party? First of all, I know you're 20 years... I don't have birthday parties. You don't have birthday parties. Okay, that's number one. What gives you the right? You ever get an invite to like Thursday night at 7 Cafe Landois. Right. You know, bring a gift. We're gonna have dinner. Listen, I wouldn't go to your

fucking birthday party if you were blowing firecrackers out of your ass. Because that's not me. That's not the world I'm from. Once you're 15 and you get roller skates, birthdays are over. You get a kiss and a blowjob from your wife. I don't even give a fuck about a cake anymore. You follow what I'm saying?

I do understand. You went to a birthday party, okay? When you live in that realm of stardom, think of what fucking Jada Pinkett and that black dude. What's his name? Will Smith. If they lived in Philadelphia with that son of theirs, they would have put that motherfucker. You ever see the pilot of Empire? No, you didn't.

No. Pilot of Empire has something very interesting that nobody caught in this country. Nobody said nothing. The pilot of Empire, the black dude. Terrence Howard. He's lonely with a pimp whatever there's a scene in there where the young kid that's gay comes out with ladies shoes on and he's writing a lyric to a rap song like yeah

he sees the kid he picks him up and he puts him in the garbage can did you know that no i didn't know that he runs in and they're like what'd you do and he goes that i ain't gonna have no in my house and all this when i came Did you know that? No, I didn't know that. And he runs in and they're like, what'd you do? And he goes, fuck that motherfucker. I ain't gonna have no faggots living in my fucking house and all this shit. When I came from Cuba, the first family I encountered before the DiLorenzos was a black family. They didn't say the word nigger in the house. This is the 70s. And you couldn't even talk about a gay relative.

That's why I always knew that gay guys in the NFL and the NBA, that shit ain't gonna work, though. That shit's never gonna work. It's like a hidden thing. But remember when they first introduced the gay basketball player in the NBA?

People were jumping up for joy. Not those brothers. Those brothers were on the phone with the general manager going, listen, this shit's deep-rooted. I don't want no gay motherfucker in my thing.

I don't care if he's black or not. A lot of people can't say that in public. They would be... People can't talk what we really like anymore, dog. People just say shit just to fucking say it. We don't come from that

fake world, man. We haven't been sucked in to that Hollywood world. We won't allow it. We won't allow it. We're having a Hollywood party. We're having... I don't even go to premieres.

I don't go anywhere. Anywhere where I see people kissing cheeks twice, I don't want to be there. You understand me? Because I don't need to be there. So they come from a different world, Joe Rogan. What they see as reality and fucking what's going on

is not really going on because they've sucked in... How many times you been on a set and what what's going on is not really going on. Because they've sucked in. How many times have you been on a set and what you're looking at is dog shit? And they're laughing. Fake laughing. Fake laughing. That's not the world I came from. The producer fake laugh, that's a real thing.

That's real. We tell the, I heard, they have to keep you up, build you up. So on the 30th take, that was hilarious. No, it wasn't. I know. How about I come to your house and tell you the same joke 30 times? Same joke, word for word. You're going to be giggling?

No, you're not. No, don't do this to me. Don't do this to me. You got to assume these people are living in this fucking world. She was on the phone with her friend, and she called for her friend to dial 911 and all this shit. You know, who the fuck knows, Joe? We weren't there. We don't know.

He don't have a prenup. 60% he's going to lose. Why do you get yourself in these predicaments, you fucking asshole? We're not getting your dick sucked stabbing a bitch and dropping her off in the 170. Does Johnny Depp have a prenup? I suppose he doesn't. And California is a 60% state. Wait a minute.

Please tell me Johnny Depp has a prenup. Then you know he's on drugs. If he didn't have... We'll find out here. If he didn't have a prenup, he was on drugs. Has there been anything before? Like, I've never heard Johnny Depp hit a girl or... No.

No, his ex-wife said it's preposterous. It's not in him. Doug Stanhope said it's not in him. Doug Stanhope's actually good friends with him. He says the guy's like, the last thing he would do is hit somebody. Just doesn't have it in him. It's not that guy. It's not like a aggressive guy. Well, on the other hand, something else happened. His mother died. Yep. A week before. Now, let's talk about a death. A death takes a while to sink in. But the first 25 days, my friend, you know. Well, Stan Hope talked about it in the actual interview.

Oh, my God. The pair did not have a prenup. 15 months, that's it? The Soherd benefits from California law, which guarantees her a minimum of one half of however much their combined worth increased during their 15 months together. Huh. Forbes listed Death as the 12th richest actor of 2015, a net worth of $400 million. It looks like we're going to see Pirates of the Caribbean 6, 7, 8, and 9. Oh, my God.

During his marriage to her, go back to where the... During his marriage to her, Depp got an estimated $61 million to appear in the $170 million Alice Through the Looking Glass and $40 million to star in Black Mass, where he won raves playing Boston Gangster, Whitey Bulger. $40 million? Holy fucking shit.

Oh, my God, you dumb motherfucker. What do you do when you walk to the bank with a $40 million check? They don't even put you in the regular line. What Stan hopes is you don't go to a bank. It's all done wireless. But when Stan Hope was talking to him, he was saying that his mother, like, obviously troubled him badly when he died, but that this was as bad as that.

This was, like, looming over him. He knew that he was going to get blackmailed. He knew that she was going after him. She had some demands, and unless he met him, she said she was going to go to the press. Look, man, he's an older dude. He's like 52. She's young and hot, and obviously,

if Doug and Johnny Depp are telling the truth, she's manipulative. And some people are really good actors, man. They're really good at pretending they love you. And when you're a guy who's like a celebrity to the extent of Johnny Depp, he hasn't been not famous for more than 30 years. So through all that time, he's had like weird interactions with people where he's not exactly sure where they're coming from. It's never balanced. You know, it's always he's Johnny Depp.

At the end of the day, he's Johnny Depp. That's what I'm saying. It's a different head, bro. But the fact that he was willing to marry her and not sign a prenup is hilarious. That's hilarious. It's called ether. The ether pussy? No.

Yeah. They're living in ether. They're under the ether, child. Pussy. Pussy. No, no. Like that Nas song. When you're under that, can you imagine if I came to you every day and told you were

a brilliant actor? There's that and then there's the pussy. You're not looking at her. Remember how hot she is? You've seen how hot she is. Yeah, oh, she's beautiful. She's stunning. That's the ether.

That's the real ether. It's ether. It's both of them. It's ether. It's the whole, bro, you live in this fucking bubble, man. You know, everybody wants to come to LA to be a star. There's so much that comes with that bubble. Meanwhile, she should have just taken a divorce.

Why does she have to slap him around? Just say, I don't want to do this anymore. That's all she says and she's making millions, right? Well, it's only 15 months. Do you think there's a lot of hot girls, especially in this town, who their entire plan is just to land a rich guy marry him for a year and then just leave him no but let me tell you something if that girl was smart and she looked at her attractiveness as uh like a career and marrying rich dudes yeah there's like a lot of value and being broken up with johnny

depp like if she breaks up with him and she makes, like, fucking, look, if he's worth that much money, she's getting 10 million, right? She's getting 10 million at least, right? Yeah. Right. Okay. So she gets the 10 million, she relaxes, and other rich dudes come in and try to scoop her up, because it's

Johnny Depp's former ex-wife. Or, current ex-wife. Yeah, they have a lot of those. They go from celebrity to celebrity. Jacqueline Kennedy went to Onassis. That's a big bang. If you want to get dark, you just go to the next. You just go to the next.

Mick Jagger's wife just married somebody who's got tons of cash. That guy's sad. What's his name? I don't know. Who did Jerry Hall just marry, dawg? I don't know. Like she's 61 or something. Woo! Or 57.

She's a baby. Rupert Murdoch? Yeah! Wait a minute. Jerry Hall married Rupert Murdoch? Yeah! I thought Rupert Murdoch had a hot little Chinese wife. That was last week. Hold on a second. Scroll up. 59. My beautiful family. Jerry Hall, 59, posts photo with her and her new husband, Rupert Murdoch, 85,

surrounded by their children on their wedding day. Please expand that picture much larger. What kind of dark prostitution are we looking at here? This is dark. This is like sorcery. This is so strange. I mean, she can't even possibly pretend that he's attractive. That's like her dad, man.

She was married to Mick Jagger, and he told her the wedding was null and void because they got married on an island. That chick is in shock. Yeah. She had to take the money. He pulled the fucking Johnny Louie on her. See, for a guy like Rupert Murdoch, that's a prize. See, look, he's got a bunch of Chinese kids. See, his kids are like half Chinese.

That's the ex-wife. That's the last one he jettisoned. She talked too much. She didn't bow hard enough. I still see your face when you bow. Find out what happened. Why am I TMZing Rupert Murdoch? But he had some hot wife before that.

Jerry Hall. Good luck. But my point was that I really think that this lady, if she just divorced him, but I guess she wanted a lot of money. She might have been greedy. She might have been angry at him. You know, who knows? I think it'd be more than 10 because it was half

of what they made in that year and they said he got paid $40 and $60. No, it's half of what his money increased by. So pull that up again so we get a look at it. I'm pretty sure that's what50 million. No, it's half of what his money increased by. Okay, so that's different than what he made. Pull that up again so we can get a look at it. I'm pretty sure that's what it says.

I think it said half of what it, like, say if he made $20 million one year and then $30 million with her. Got it. Half of that, $10. Oh, so she don't get half of the $400 million? It guarantees her a minimum of one half of however much their combined worth increased during their 15 months together. So she made $10 more that year, and Johnny made $50 million more. Yeah, it's madness, man. I mean, she got them.

I've met girls like that, man. They're coyotes. They're strange. They stand outside your fence and they howl. And they're vicious, man. And there's girls like that. And there's girls like that and there's guys like that, right? There's guys that are roofie a girl's drink

and rape her. There's guys that'll rip a girl's bank account off. There's guys that are creepy fucks, right? Well, there's girls that are creepy fucks too. There's human beings that suck. And we have to be aware on both sides. There's human beings that do devious shit. And just because it's a girl doesn't mean she's not

going to do stuff like that believe me my friend was killed by a girl phil hartman was shot in his sleep by a woman they people are people are dark they do dark shit men and women and the idea that you're going to go on one side or another i retweeted we tweeted that article not because i believe a hundred percent that that's what happened, but because Doug Stanhope's my brother. So if Doug Stanhope puts something like that out there, I help him promote that. I help other people read his work. It's not an endorsement, but it's 100%. I will trust Doug Stanhope's opinion on things before I will take some actress lady's word on what happened. I would trust at least Doug's opinion that Johnny was at least saying

that he was going to get blackmailed. But who knows? He might have been smacking her around. Didn't want anybody to know. So he's like, hmm, just say she's blackmailing me. I'm minding my business. I ain't bothering nobody. I'm watching the baby.

It's 4.30. Did I tell you about this, Lee? No. I heard a knock on the door. I never open my door. You can watching the baby. It's 4.30. Did I tell you about this, Lee? No. I heard a knock on the door. I never open my door. You can knock on my door all you want. If you don't call me, I don't open the door. I just sit there and watch TV.

I'm one of those motherfuckers. Unless you call me, it's still coming over. I don't open the door for anybody. I've been doing that for 30 years. I don't know nothing. But the baby, it was like, Daddy, somebody's at the door. I'm like, God damn it. I opened the door,

three women at my door. Two of them are cockeyed. I swear to God, I'm not even trying to be funny. They're from the Church of Latter Day Saints. Oh.

Okay, how you doing? I go, listen, I'm not into this stuff, but my wife is. My wife isn't into Mormons. I just said that

so I could get off the hook. I'm feeling the baby. If you want to come back in 30 minutes, the girl goes, I'm really thirsty. Can I get a glass of water or a water bottle? You know what, man? That's how they get you in. That's a tactic.

I close the fucking door. You know me, I don't give a fuck. Hold on one second. I close the door. My wife is from Tennessee. She saves those fucking bottles and fills them up with water and takes them to yoga i throw them away what are we white trash i throw these things away once they're

done they're done my wife saves them and puts them in the freezer for headaches and so i went to get one of those and there was no bottles so i give her a glass of water she takes off now i'm running against the clock these three little mormon are gonna come back my wife walks in i go let me go outside and get high. Do you know they stole my pipe? When they asked me to get the water, they stole my pot pipe from the balcony. Nobody else was on that balcony. The water guy comes on that balcony

and he sees the pipe. I don't leave weed out there. I'm not that stupid. I just leave the pipe with the cleaner. The pipe, the fucking, my wife was there and Juana came, the lady who takes care of Mercy. They didn't steal the fucking, the Mormons stole my pipe. Let me tell you something lady who takes care of mercy and didn't steal a fucking The Mormon stole my pipe. Let me tell you something. I got in that car and hunted those three little cockeyed bitches down all over I couldn't find them. They never came back

They stole my pot pipe Do you think they stole it because they were just stealing things or do you think they stole it because they didn't want you to be? Engaging in such horrible behavior Smoking marijuana where you're taking care of your child. I wasn't smoking when I was taking care of the child. I just always leave it out there. It's always out there. That's not what I mean.

I mean, like, you have one, you have a child, but you're still smoking marijuana. Like, how dare you? What are you doing with a pot pipe? We need to take this from him. Maybe they took it, but if they smoked it, they ain't cockeyed no more. That two bitches ain't cockeyed no more. She had holes in her feet and her shoes.

I'm sitting there going, what religion sends people to knock on doors on Memorial Day? That's a guaranteed slam to the door to the face. Didn't you have another one that he kept coming back? Yeah, I had a jaw of a witness. I was stringing him along. I was just having a good time with him. I want to talk to you. You caught me at a bad time.

Come back in an hour. I'd see him lurking in front of my house. I'd be dry. I couldn't even go home. I couldn't even go home. I had him strung out for like four months, though. Every time he'd come over, you know what? I really want to talk to you.

Give me those pamphlets. I'll call the number. So some people must be happy that they come, right? They must get some people like, oh, I've been really curious about this. Please come on in. Did you ever invite anybody in your home? No. In the whole existence?

One time a girl was selling cookies. She was pretty hot. Did you invite her in? I invited her in. And what happened? Uh, nothing. Nothing. Did you buy the cookies?

There was not a closed deal back then. I was like 21. Did you buy the cookies? I think so. I think I bought cookies. I don't remember. I just remember her being hot. It's fucking crazy.

This bitch probably sells a lot of cookies. Knocking on people's doors. Speaking about taxing, what about those religions that make you give like 10% to the church? Tithing. On top of taxes. Mm-hmm. Tithing. Oh my God.

We had a guy on Fear Factor that won a million bucks. You don't really win a million bucks because the government takes a big chunk. And most people, they take the one-time Payment instead of like the 50 grand a year for the rest of your life that kind of thing But this guy before he did the stunt started talking in tongues He's like standing on this like cliffside like They like they talk in a made-up nonsense language so It repeats the same sounds over and over and over again. But this talking in tongues, he really believed it was like a religious experience and that God helped him win a million bucks.

I was going through a box of VHSs about a month ago, and I put one in, and it caught the beginning of a fear factor, like on the second season. And I watched like 15 minutes of it and looking at it now and knowing you, I don't know how the fuck you did that. The show should have been

how long does it take till Joe Rogan fucks you up? Like how long? Remember when Tony Soprano used to beat people up? Like somebody would say something and he'd just throw a bottle and go over and start kicking it.

He beat up Georgie like four times. Hilarious. He knocked his eye out. used to beat people up. Like, somebody would say something, and he'd just throw a bottle and go over and start kicking it. Right. He'd beat up Georgie, like, four times. Hilarious. He'd knock his eye out. That's what the episode should have been like half the time. Like, in the mid-sentence, you just start punching somebody. Kicking them when they're on the phone.

What do you mean you don't want to eat the fucking eggs? Like, that's the next level of Fear Factor. Like, go on there, like, with Chris Lieben as the host, and every time you, like, act up, they just beat the fuck out of you. Like, America's ready. See, Fear Factor. Like, go on there, like, with Chris Lieben as the host, and every time you, like, act up, they just beat the fuck out of you. Like, America's ready. See, Fear Factor was like everything else. I don't know how you did it.

90% of the people were cool. Really? I think 90% of the people everywhere were cool. Yeah, 90% of the people just had a good time. Yeah. Yeah, 90%. There were some goofy contestants. Oh, yeah.

One out of ten, probably. And I know you would look at them and go, oh, the cameras weren't on. As a grown man, that's the closest I've ever been to a street fight. Oh, that one episode. That one guy. That one episode. And if that wasn't there, if that was somewhere else instead of in front of cameras, I definitely would have strangled him.

100%. The whole thing was like there was eight cameras around, all these people around, and I was like, I don't want to commit to hurting this guy, but he's dangerous fuck i'm like that guy could totally sucker punch me he just he was so amped up and kept coming into my face kept running towards me i pushed him away ran towards me again i pushed him away and i was like okay this is on i'm like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna keep pushing this guy away i'm not gonna take a chance at him doing something so i clamped onto him i was thinking of guillotining him or kneeing him in the face i was trying to put i was trying to think like i was like legally the guillotine would be a much smarter move because i have his head i'm definitely sure i could snap him down i know he's got no defense and if i hit

him in the face it's probably gonna be ugly you, kneeing someone in the face is fucking devastating. It's terrible. It's terrible to do to someone's face. I got knee in the face once. Broke my nose. My eyes got black and blue. I had a headache for three fucking days.

After one knee. One fucking knee straight on the nose. Straight on the nose. When people get that amped up that they want to fucking physically fight you. Like people are so amped up they want to actually throw their fucking limbs at you. Boy, everything's gone so out the window.

And when you're that close, screaming at each other, like guys getting in your face. It's so close to like a catastrophic injury. Like anybody that's that nuts, that's screaming at you inches from your face, like, all bets are off. Like we're on, we're on safari rules here. Like this is,

we're in jungle territory. This is a very dangerous time. If it wasn't for a lot of people being around particularly, like if that happens and you're alone, imagine if you're alone in the woods with a guy

who's screaming at you and getting in your face like that. Like people die like that all the time. People who have a knife, they're in that sort with a guy who's screaming at you and getting in your face like that. Like, people die like that all the time. People have a knife. They're in that sort of a situation. People stab people out of fear, just trying to be the one who doesn't get stabbed. You know, you think it's eventually going to get ugly. Oof.

I had a situation with Joe Rogan. I was so scared. But it made sense what people say, that when sometimes it takes to get hit and the fear goes away. Like my ex-wife got some guy with her boyfriend to jump me one time. And they hit the dog with a two-by-four. And I think I got a little mad about that, that they hit, his name was Hercules. They hit him with a two-by-four. And when I ran downstairs, the guy hit me with a two-by-four. But when I ran downstairs, the guy hit me with a two-by-four. But he didn't really break my rib.

I just felt something, and I could still swing and stuff. And I was really scared, and my heart was pumping. But after I got my hands on him and the pain went away, like I was a different fucking person. Like his buddy hit me from behind, and he tripped, and he started running. Once I took the first guy down, and I was scared shitless, and the one guy was way bigger than me, but I got so pissed. Which one ran? The guy with the stick.

The bigger guy or the littler guy? The littler guy hit me with the stick. And I don't know what I did. I didn't know about singles or doubles. I know nothing about that. I'm not going to lie to nobody. I was just so hot that I tackled him. And I kept punching him, punching him, punching him, punching him.

And then I got away and I started kicking him. And I just started stepping on him. I started stepping on him, dog. I didn't know what to do. He was making weird noises. And I went inside the house and I called the boulder cop who was off duty, who was a cool guy. And I was prepared to go to jail.

Like I knew I had dust. The guy was still outside on the ground guy was on the ground i them up i stepped on his ankle i up his foot you know me dog all that dirty i kicked him before i went to call i kicked him like three times in the balls just to really keep him down like i kicked them with everything i had because listen you want to hit me, that's one thing. They hit that fucking dog. You're not going to hit a dog in front of me. Not in your fucking worst situation. Especially my dog. You're not going to hit my dog in front of me.

With a two by four. And the other guy took off and I'll never forget calling. The guy's name was Durfee. And he came and he was 400 pounds. Durfee. Those big fat cops. Old boulder cop, never got out of his car. And I said, Durfee, you don't call the cops. I protected myself.

I maybe went a little bit overboard. And Durfee goes, call the cops. This is beautiful. Let's just wrap him up and drop him in front of the hospital. And I was always a pussy. I was never scared that night, like at all. I think once that fucking two-by-four hit me, whatever the fuck hit me in the side.

Well, the anticipation of violence is almost sometimes worse than the violence itself because the anticipation of a fight is what everybody's terrified of. It's like, what could happen? The unknown. But once it's happening, it's not the unknown anymore. And it's what's going on? What's going on right now? Like in competing? Once a fight starts, you don't feel the same fear. Like the real fear is the weigh ins before the fight, like the announcements, walking to the to the ring, waiting in the locker room, all that, that's the real fear.

When you're there and you're actually fighting, it's not a fear thing. It's just you're so zoned into the moment. You're so reacting. So I would imagine that's probably the same thing with that. It's just like the fear of a guy coming over and kicking your ass is way worse than actually being in a fight with a guy, especially if you know how to handle yourself. It's like now I actually control something. Something's going on here. I can react.

I can move around with something that's actually going down. Guys get addicted to that too, boy. I'm very surprised I'm not really, really violent. Like I'm really surprised. No, no, no. Because they always blame shit on your childhood. Yeah. They always attach things to your childhood.

And I grew up around one of the most violent people I ever met in my life. That's why I know fear. Like, I know what fear is to be scared of somebody really fucking great. There's a difference between getting smacked by... Because you're stepdad. Yeah. And his friends. The people he hung out with. And I'm surprised I'm not more violent. Like, I don't shoot

animals well you're a smart guy you well you would never do that you've always been an animal lover man but it's just weird that I didn't come out with that like I don't believe in uh when did your violence stop though because I mean when did your violence stop because you were still smacking people i don't know when now my violence stopped when i got beat up that's when that violent mentality when i realized that there's always somebody out there that's gonna fuck you up and now it's not like your mom it's not a controlled beating it's real somebody you don't know what makes somebody punch you three times in the head and stop isn't that interesting how that is like the answer that

everybody always has to how many pussies there are out there that talk so much shit. Like there's a lot of people running around that really need to get a fucking punch in the face. And people go that is a terrible way to think about. That is an awful way. But no. There's a humbling to that just like that lady who's like thank you sir. When she got fucked

up by that elk. You need to get thank you sir. You really need that in your life. Like people need to get their fucking sir you you really need that in your life like people need to get their fucking ass kicked man they don't so they just run around thinking there's no consequences to their actions like they're living in this nerfed environment a guy like you you see some dark shit going on and you know you know there's consequences you grew up with consequences heavy consequences going to the hospital bleeding that's a consequence plus you're always around drugs and drug dealers and drug people and people that are

you know involved in illegal activity where they have to protect their freedom like drug dealers and being around drug dealers like they're always one step closer to violence than anybody else around them they're always because they're living a dirty life. They're living a life of complication and worry. You always got to worry about someone turning you in. You always got to worry about someone getting arrested. Where'd you get these drugs from? Oh, where does he live?

And then boom. You got to worry about people showing up at your house. You got to stash stuff in weird spots. You got to always be on edge. And once you add that drug to the mix, like once you're dealing coke. Okay, take for example Pablo. Pablo didn't snort coke. He didn't do drugs.

But I thought in the movie he smoked a lot of weed, right? He smoked pot. Did he do any coke in the show? No. No coke at all. I think you're right. Once you do coke as a dealer or heroin or prescription pills that puts your judgment somewhere else when you do coke and you do coke for three hours the high becomes something else that euphoric becomes paranoid right and the more you do it the paranoia it shuts the window the euphoric state

goes from three hours to two hours to one hour to two bumps like Towards the end for me, two bumps, I was done. Paranoia was high. On the way home, if I was driving and I saw a cop car over there just watching speeders, that cop car stayed in my mind and grew like a weed. Why was he there? That makes your trigger finger a lot quicker.

That makes so many things a lot quicker. I used to call the cops on myself. That's not a joke. That's not a fucking joke. That's a joke on stage. But where I originated from was in 1986, I spent the weekend doing the best coke in the world, and I kept calling the cops.

Calling the cops. And they kept coming over and going, what, there's a perigler in the other room? And they were going, and that's like the 10th time they go, can we talk to you for a second? They said, listen, how many lines have you done tonight and i'm like i haven't stopped i'm like we suggest you put away the bag oh that's so funny and the next monday i had to walk to the police station like when i after a good 12 hours sleep and explain to them i wasn't doing blow it was just a reaction to the orange juice and they're like listen

you gotta stop you gotta stop doing powder you were calling the cops on yourself dog thank god this happens all the time up here in aspen so did i ever tell you when i was a volunteer fireman in aspen no you didn't know about that no your uncle joey okay and and snowmass village to be you could go to a shitty gym or you could go to the Snowmass Club where they have shaving cream and Q-tips. Ooh, Q-tips. So you know, Joey, I joined the Snowmass Club when it was three bills a month in 1982. I couldn't afford that. 300 a month?

Oh, my God. The Snowmass Club. In the 80s? Oh, the Snowmass Club. I didn't have anything to do with Aspen in those days. The Aspen Club was where Greybo got blown up. That drug deal was making six million every six weeks. They blew him up at the Aspen Club, Jack.

Right by... They blew him up? Blew him up with a pipe bomb in his car. You know who his wife married? Did he die? Oh, fuck yeah. No, he held on for six or seven hours. He bled out of his ass.

That year was the Jeep that they put an extra plate under the Jeep. Oh, Jesus. He would always give somebody a 20 to start his car. There's one night he didn't give him a 20. Oh, my God. He was 20 days from going on trial. They found millions at his house in garbage cans. Whoa.

He would just go into a restaurant and say, Hi, Joe, how are you? Joe, do me a favor. Here's $100,000. Tell me when it's over. Wait a second. My entree is $18. So he would just give them money, and that way he would never pay when he would go there.

He just had a running account. He just had so much cash coming in. That's actually pretty smart. That's what he would do. So when he got blown up, you know who married his wife? Who? James Caan. James Caan married Greybo's wife.

All those single wives that get money when they get blown up, they fucking all get remarried. You're right. Yeah, well, that's why I'm thinking this Amber Heard girl, if she just kept her mouth shut wives that get money when they get blown up. They fucking all get remarried. You're right. They're a hot piece of ass. If she just kept her mouth shut and took some cash, he'd probably give her many millions, right? You would think so, but how many more millions do you think she'll get for this? She'd have to marry some Iranian

dude. Some Persian guy with a fucking gold Bentley. So, Doug, they told me, listen, you don't want to pay the 300. You could become a volunteer fireman. And I go, fuck the 300. I'm a fireman. So for six weeks, they put me through a training program where you just, like, put out dumpsters and give them out the mouth and CPR.

You got to run with little bags. I'm doing all this shit coked up to the gills. I'm selling coke. I'm going back every week and getting a pound of coke and selling it. And to give me my hobby, I'm a volunteer fireman. But have you been in Aspen or Snowmass? Yes, I've been in Aspen. The only fucking fires are the ones white people

don't know how to do a fire in the fireplace. They have a fire pit. So they scoop it and they put it in the garbage. Then there's a fire. So I would get coked up at night and they'd be outside my house beeping. With the bells like, come on out, there's a fire. You gotta come down. Fuck you. I wouldn't come out of the house. I would get coked up at night, and they'd be outside my house beeping, with the bells, like, come on out, there's a fire. You got to come down. Fuck you.

I wouldn't come out of the house. I'd get so paranoid. And they'd ask me the next day, what happened to you last night? Dog, I took a sleeping pill. I couldn't get up. This must have happened. Because every time I did show up, it was always a dumpster that was on fire. When am I going to leave the house at five for a fucking dumpster?

Eight white people with sticks and helmets, with radios. You know, get the hell up top. Yeah, you know white people. The CBs. Yeah, you know white people. Over the fucking dumpster. We got a 619 on 3rd Street. They give a mouth-to-mouth to the parrot and shit.

Who gives a fuck about the parrot? Save the fucking dumpster. Did you do any fires? I did like three fires, but they were just dumpster fires. So after a while, I said, what am I going to do? There's eight of you. Eight idiots with things, you know, make them believe they're busy. Fuck yeah, leave me at home.

Call me for the big ones. That's so funny. And there was never a big one, so they fucking fired me. When they realized I was only in it for the membership pass, they said. Well, the house has been a weird place because obviously there's a lot of really wealthy people and they've called it home for a long time. But then there was a lot of hippies that moved there in the 70s because they just wanted to get out of society. And they somehow or another gravitated towards Aspen. Like, I don't understand how that happened.

What it was about Aspen. Colorado Jail's number one and two in the country. As far as capacity? In the old days, 10, 20 years ago, Boulder County Jail was number two county jail in the country. They fed you. They gave you clothes. That's why they vote Democratic. They trim your toenails.

They give you rolling paper. You know, in Boulder, you could still smoke years ago. They gave you rolling papers and sick tobacco. No other prison did that. Everywhere else you got to pay for cigarettes. In Boulder, nah. In Aspen, they don't even have a kitchen.

Paul LaFrance used to cater. That's why fucking Bundy escaped. Paul LaFrance used to cater. In Aspen, if you go to jail, you get catered dinners. They don't have a jail. They have a county. They cater it. So Ted Bundy escaped from the Aspen jail?

Yeah. Whoa. He opened up a window and jumped out. Whoa. And he killed a girl in Snowmass Village. Man, that guy is scary. He is a scary motherfucker. He just escaped from the fucking Aspen jail, jumped out of a window.

Wow. Well, you got to drive. Didn't you get to drive for a little bit in prison? Like you went to Chinese places? I would drive, you know, because I was the only one who had a driver's license. So they would let me drive to the places where people were. You would go on the road and see inmates picking up trash. Yeah.

I would bring them lunch. But at the same time, those people, they know where they're going the next day. So they called Joe Rogan and go, Joe, what are you doing tomorrow? Nothing. I'm going to be between Laurel Canyon and Compton. Cold water. Do me a favor. Buy that sign that says save the apples.

Dump the weed there. And so that's what you do. So the Invics come pick it up. Invics. And then they give me the bag and I would drive it in. The weed would be in the trunk in the garbage. So I would leave the garbage on the trucks. Then the Invics come back.

I would mark the bag that the trucks then the imbics come back i would mark the bag that they threw the weed in and they would take the weed out or the heroin or the fucking speed and give me a cut wow it's fucking amazing that's how they bring jail and you never got caught you know what's crazy thinking about it now the guards are part of the action they don't want to get caught. Yeah, they'd rather not deal with the stuff. They're extra income guys. They'd rather just relax.

I get nervous bringing an edible onto a plane. Shit. Oh, my God. Edible on a plane is my middle fucking name, doctor. Shit. Joey Diaz isn't scared of edibles on planes. Shit. What's up, baby?

That's it. Three hours. That's it. We did it all. What do we got going on? What's the future? We got July 8th. You and me are at? That's it. Three hours. That's it. We did it all. What do we got going on? Joey Diaz. What's the future? We got July 8th. You and me are at the Ka Theater, the MGM.

That's going to be fun. UFC 200? Yeah. Yeah, UFC 200. That's going to be chaos. I think I'm going to go on Thursday for the fucking thing and walk around. Yeah? For the expo?

Yeah? Good idea. At the nice people. But you should probably get a set. See if you can get a set at the MGM club, at Brad Garrett's club. Thursdayo? Yeah. Good idea. At the nice people. But you should probably get a set. See if you can get a set at the MGM Club, at Brad Garrett's club. Thursday night? Yeah. I bet you could do a show there Thursday night if you want to.

I don't want a fucking set. You don't give a fuck, do you? I just want to go hang out. All right. Maybe do a seminar or something, learn something. Seminar? Yeah. Let's probably put some seminars there.

Yeah, they've got some great seminars. I think it's part of a package. Well, it's a giant week of the UFC experience down there for UFC 200. Yeah, yeah. So it's great. I went about five, four years ago. The first year they did it, you took me and I walked around. It was pretty interesting.

Great stuff. They usually have grappling tournaments. I don't know if they're having that this time. I'm sure they are. They have a lot of no-gi grappling tournaments, too. Seminars, all kinds of shit. Tonight for me is the countdown for UFC 199. All kinds of shit Tonight for me is the countdown

For UFC 199 And you can watch The Church of What's Happening Now On YouTube And Vimeo And you can get it on iTunes It's fucking hilarious I suggest you get on that shit

And subscribe Lee Syatt on Twitter Lee, spell it out L-E-E-S-Y-A-T-T And of course Mad Flavor For young Joey Diaz That's right

And then Jamie Vernon Still Jamie Vernon But it should be Young Jamie Someone's got it I changed my Display name to

Young Jamie But that's all I got Beautiful That's all you need The display name That's all you need Ladies and gentlemen Good night

We'll be back tomorrow With Sam Harris See you soon Bye bye That's all you need. Ladies and gentlemen, good night. We'll be back tomorrow with Sam Harris. See you soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.