The Joe Rogan Experience - #814 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: June 22, 2016

Ari Shaffir is a stand-up comedian and also hosts the podcasts Ari Shaffir’s Skeptic Tank & Punch Drunk Sports available on Spotify. Check out his show This Is Not Happening on Comedy Central & YouTube.

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Will I? Yes! You said you were in Seattle last night? Yeah. What were you doing? Show. A little stand-up comedy?

Yeah, The Crocodile. Some place Kurt Cobain and Nirvana played. Whoa! Yeah. What was that like? I mean, he wasn't there, you know? I know, but it's cool being in those. I've been saying that doing these, like a lot of these theaters, it's like doing like a functional museum.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, some of them. Yeah. At Fill them yeah a film or film or for sure yeah with all those pictures in there dude i took a bunch of film of the we were in the uh dressing room apparently that's like one of the first places that the led zeppelin the led zeppelin you know those that led zeppelin played really when they first came to america yeah that's cool't know if it was the first or one of the first, but yeah, man. I mean, that is like as museum-like as you can get. It's like a ceiling, too, with the pictures. Yeah, they're all over the place.

It's like all the way over. Yeah, it's a big-ass place, man. I mean, as far as like, it's not that big. It's like 450 people, but I mean, as far as like what it stands for. Yeah. There's a few places like that. The Chicago big it's like 450 people but i mean as far as like what it stands for yeah like there's a few places like that um the chicago theater is definitely like that just walking around that place like whoa yeah the look of it yeah there's a bunch of them that are like just so old that it's uh it's kind of weird that they let people just fucking run around on stage and

tell dick jokes in them it's close this first tour. Oh, the first tour. That makes sense. There you go. See, everybody's like... Their first place was in Denver? Yeah. Fuck yeah. First, they went straight to Denver? They knew.

Not East Coast? They knew. That's the spot. Yeah. Why fuck around? How long until they went to New York? That's a good question. It's a year's eve.

Oh, damn. 1969. Do you know that their lawsuit is going on right now for stealing the stairway to heaven? No. Right now. Way. Right now. Against who?

Who did they steal it from? There was a band. Bill Burr was the one who turned me on to this shit. Bill Burr called me up. He goes, you're not going to fucking believe it. They were all fucking thieves. They stole. They stole.

He calls me up and he sends me this YouTube video to listen to. And I go, holy shit. Like, dude, I couldn't be a bigger Led Zeppelin fan. Yeah, for sure. I love Led Zeppelin. I mean, they're like, like a whole lot of love is like my get high and sit back with headphone song, you know? Old black people like it too.

Oh, yeah. Because before they played hip-hop on the radio that's right so they had i guess was let's up with that's all they had yeah bullshit white people music they were hiding robert johnson stealing all his music led zeppelin singer claims foggy memory and stairway to heaven lawsuit well i mean that's fair it's 50 years ago yeah i mean that's boy i could barely remember shit 50 years ago. Yeah. I mean, that's, boy, I can barely remember shit 10 years ago. How's this guy supposed to remember shit 50 years ago? Yeah.

But. There's no way. If I stole Stairway to Heaven, I bet I'd fucking remember that. Let me hear the both. Can we hear both of them? We can't do it? Why? Can we play it for us and not have it on the YouTube?

Or it'll just get us pulled from the YouTube? I can keep it off YouTube. Yeah, I can keep it off YouTube yeah I can keep it off YouTube okay okay so we'll listen to it and we'll be able to talk to you when you want first the original don't they have a side up side by side I've already heard the stair everybody knows what stairway sounds like what a good song though up and down and speed yeah and these pants this band opened for them. Ah! Yeah.

This doesn't look good. What? Yeah, it doesn't look good at all. And this, wait, is it possible this band was like, stole it from Led Zeppelin? No. No, apparently it's not because they recorded it several years before they toured with Led Zeppelin. Well, that sums it up. Yeah, I think they recorded it like two years before Zeppelin did theirs.

If this is just like four chords and they play in the middle of the song, oh wow. What? This is the original. Oh my god. Let's hear it. It's goddamn so close. Well, another argument that someone said they're called spirit it's the name of the song is Taurus the best of spirit just a little bit better Wow yeah it's goddamn it's really good but someone said no I

don't know shit about music and I know you don't either right this is the uh led zeppelin version we know that yeah we know that it sounds so similar but someone yeah you don't know any shit about music like you don't play musical instruments i don't either someone to jamie you might know this someone said that the music is like a very common commonly used series of chord progression yeah it's like i don't know the exact one There's only three chords in rock and roll I don't know what that means But there's still a lot of different songs

Blues scale is probably what it is It's a form of it So they said that that has been used in many songs before Is that true? Why aren't they saying that? I don't know, because they're foggy They're old Once you hit like 60 you just pretend you're old as fuck And you don't know what's going on anymore What? I don't know because they're foggy they're old once you hit like 60 you just pretend

you're old as fuck and you don't know what's going on anymore that's what Reagan did what? I don't even know he had like legit Alzheimer's

yeah looking back he really didn't remember we should have been like oh you need to get pills man yeah instead of not believing it was cover up

we should have been like oh he's crying for help yeah he's telling the world he can't remember things I wonder like they're really close to curing that, you know? Really?

Yeah. They're injecting people's brains with stem cells and fixing all kinds of weird shit that's going wrong. How is that stem cell? I've been thinking about it. You asked me about it. I've been thinking about it. It's crazy. So you heal like Wolverine.

It's very strange. So, okay. Will it? How far away? It's not's very strange. So, okay. Will it? How far away? It's not going to grow your dick, Ari. Not my dick. My hair. What about hair?

Why not? Why can't it stem a cell out? They'll probably have something for that soon. I don't know, man. I'll never go back to hair again. Pop your shit back up? I like having a shaved head. It's so easy.

So I got a good head for it. I look better with a shaved head than I did with- Especially with the hair that I had left. It's just all sad hair. Sad, sick hair, coughing, dying people. It's like having a cancer patient living on your head. That's why Jeff Ross changes that, too. Yeah, it's over.

It's over. That's why I cut mine shorter. But I like it, man. I like having it shorter. Yeah, it's bullshit. It's like it was a waste of my energy. You got a round enough head. Yeah.

If you have a flat back, that's the worst kind of head. It's like a laptop head. Somebody hit you with a shovel head. The back of your head just looks like a laptop. It's just flat like a book. There's a lot of dudes that have whack domes. I feel for them. But you know what, man? This doesn't look good with hair either

You know that heads weird heads are weird heads We need to do is get it one of them like a head like a fake, but just put it in your head implants That's a girl's like touch. I'm like why it's all soft in the back. That's probably totally a good idea Probably most people aren't touching your head. Well you you could always say, yeah, it was in a motorcycle accident. Oh my god, that scar. I love scars. You turn me on. Meanwhile, you just had a butt put in the back of your head,

like a fake plate. It feels like a rotting apple. Consistency of it. We're laughing at this. Right? But they do that to chins. Put double chins in? They put a fake chin in people it's super common what do you mean they put a fake chin on people who does that plastic surgeons i think they go in through the like the lip area where the teeth are and they shove like an implant in your

chin because some people have like very small chins like the chin is tucked up in their neck and they they feel like it's unattractive i know chinless people it's weird brian keith effridge he's chinless does it bother him no he makes jokes about it that's good yeah that's good some people don't like to joke around about it so they get a piece of plastic screwed into their chin people take it to the next level and then go too long they do at the back of their head that's what i'm saying dudes with a flat back of the head flat back round that shit out man look like a normal dude i mean i'm not against that i guess i'm not against that if they can make it feel like a skull back there instead of just some fucking imagine if it gets loose stretch armstrong oh yeah it starts leaking out what if you're banging a girl and she grabs your

head and she pops it loose and she thinks she broke your skull? Bigger way to go to go leave What happened to your head you did something which they got some fucking wall board screws Tighten that bitch down. That's wholesale like replacements. Those seem weird. Putting a fucking plastic plate on the back of your head is not. I guarantee you there's a plastic surgeon out there right now running to a notepad and writing this shit down.

And he's going to offer it to dudes with flat heads. Are you a flat back? You have to convince somebody they have a flat head. Did your parents never buy you a pillow until you were old enough to complain? Is the back of your head flat like a table? Well, flat back no more.

Thanks to Dr. Crookenheimer. Dr. Crookenheimer specializes in making your fucking mutant alien rodent looking head attractive. Did you think you were fine? You're not. You're not fine. You're not fine.

No. No. How about those weird ancient cultures that used to flatten heads on purpose? Mm-hmm. You ever seen those Peruvians? You think those Egyptian things? I think it's Peru, I believe. Yeah, well, they think the Egyptian thing.

Was that implants? They could have fucked with the shape of their head, but they also could have been like inbreeding. Because apparently like Tutankhamen had a series of like, we'll go to Tutankhamen next, Jamie. No, go to these, like, well, you see that guy, the baby up there where they're stretching the baby's head out. See the black and white one right next to that, Jamie? No, no. The photo, the actual photo. Go the photo yeah that one see that's like that's an actual baby where they're distorting this young baby's head while it's soft with pressure by these cords and they tighten it down and this is modern times because this is from yeah i mean this is a dumb head. Yeah. I mean,

this is obviously from... Look how interesting that looks. Yeah, it's crazy, dude. Wow. It's crazy. Wow. Yeah. So they can make them look like aliens.

Oh, and they take it off. Mm-hmm. Wow. It can totally, like, fuck the shape of your head up forever. And then that's what your head's shaped like now because it's all done when you're a baby

and your head is really flexible. So your brain grows into that? Yes. Dude. You're fucked or you love it. You know, it might be your shit. But if you look at like the images of like ancient Egypt, like right there, you just clicked on that one. Like this, they think that that was maybe part of the practice that they were doing to differentiate them from the rest of the people.

So there was that. But Tutankhamen apparently had a series of issues. He had some degenerative issues. They think that he might not have been healthy. See if they, like, whatever. Try to save him. No, don't Google head shape. Just go with medical issues.

Tutankhamen medical issues. Dude, I met those long neck ladies in Thailand. Oh, did you really? Yeah. Whoa. They get bigger and bigger. And they can't take them off because they get all wobbly. Yeah, see, look.

He had a cane and shit. His body was all fucked up. From inbreeding. Why does it say he has breasts? Why'd they give him breasts? Ooh, visit Paige, please. why'd they give him breasts ooh visit page please so we're looking at King Tut had feminine hips Farrell suffered from several afflictions because his parents were brother and sister whoa

Look at Leslie doing these ads. Whoa. That's some Game of Thrones type shit, son. Finally got the humid face. King Tut's list of ailments isn't the result of ancient Egyptian curse. The researchers were able to point out a more scientific culprit, incest. Albert Zink, scientific director of the Institute of Mummies and the Icemen in Italy, used genetic fingerprinting and tests on

mitochondrial DNA to determine that King Tut's parents were without a shadow of a doubt brother and sister. Fuck. Here's his list of things. Oh, yeah. Feminine hips. They just ruled out there was an Egyptian curse? No curse. Just ruled it out.

Finally. how crazy is nature man he had a prominent overbite pronounced overbite feminine hips club foot wow it's world's first lose bones in his foot jesus christ loose bones in his foot lose l.o.s you're not supposed to fuck your brother or sister're not supposed to fuck your brother or sister, huh? You're not supposed to fuck your brother or sister. It worked out pretty good in Game of Thrones. It worked out, well, not really.

That one kid was fucked up. The one evil kid. Yeah, but his body was alright. The girl was fine. They made the girl fine. Fine? She had to get poisoned. She was the only one

that was fine. This new one's a pussy. God, he's such a pussy. Such a pussy. Makes me angry. It's almost like, it's almost like they listen to the, the protest against them from the far whatever liberal.

They go, okay, fine. This is what you want? This is the kind of character you want? Who can do nothing? Fine. Enjoy this for three seasons. You know what doesn't make sense, though? It's super hard to imagine someone abandoning their mom like that when they're that much of a pussy.

That's the most ridiculous aspect about it. Yeah. Because that's one thing that pussies want is they want to be around their mommy. Right? You need your mom for support. So like all of a sudden, he's so strong. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But who's in his ear, the only chick who's ever given out the puss to him. That's right. That pussy's so strong. You know what I mean? So strong. And she's pretty and she knows the fuck she's doing. And she's got a gay brother,

so you know she's a freak. Dude guy's in America killed all those guys killed their girlfriend's ex-husband or husband right that's like a normal thing what was that girl's name what's that she went to jail she had she'd take like a student in high school and then made the student kill her husband oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah um god damn it that. There's been a bunch of them. Not Letourneau, right? Letourneau was just the one that... No. Pam Smart? No. You sure?

No. I think it's Pam Smart. I think she was the one who paid the high school kid to kill her husband. Oh, yeah. You can't do that. I mean, I bet there's a bunch of them. You really can't do that. That's really just not...

Well, people have definitely gotten away with it. Yeah. For every dumb chick who hired two 15-year-olds, there's a smart lady who hired an actual assassin. Right. Oh, did you ever go down to Block Dahlia YouTube tools? Yeah, I did. I have. I watched a whole special, one of those crime TV documentaries.

To watch them laugh. I think it's so casual. Like, you want to go for donuts? It's a good donuts place over here. Like, as they're just finished this, you're going to kill my husband then. Yeah. And the way they say it, too, like, I just can't go through the divorce. It's just, it's almost like easier than letting him know I don't love you anymore.

For some people, it is. For some people, that actually becomes what they want to do instead. They're like, I don't want to go through this divorce. I don't like this guy. I'll just fucking whack him. Shut off. Yeah, they just don't want to do it anymore. Because if you think about it, right, you've got to get divorced this dude.

What if he gets mad and beats you up? What if he denies your money? What if he fucking kicks you out on the street? I mean, if you don't care about him at all, then yeah, that's the easy way to go. Joe, there's some people out there that are just fucking nuts. They're just fucking nuts. And if you run into those people, you got a fucking problem. You got a fucking problem.

They're just fucking nuts. And if you marry one of those people and you live with one of those people for a long time, then you try to break up with them, you got a fucking problem. So what are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're some lady from Nebraska who just wants to be on her own. Just wants to be free.

The clutches of her father held her down when she was young, and now she's got this fucking asshole, this man that she's like legally obligated, and he says he's going to kill her if she leaves. Oh. Yeah. No, I don't think so, bitch.

Dahlia Doubleito, she was calling the guy in afterwards when she found out he was still alive. She was like, Mark, get in here. Mark, come help me. And he's like, I can't. And you're trying to have me killed. She's like, stop.

Don't believe that. He's like, they showed me. He goes, that's fake. He was almost still swaying to go back to her. Oh, my God. He was almost like, I can't help anyway. They have you trying to hire someone to kill me. It's out of my hands.

They have you on camera, bitch. Yeah. The power of the person brings you back in. And they're such good actresses. When they find out, when they supposedly find out their husband got killed. Well, they're insane. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of people out there that are getting people whacked. They're completely fucking insane. Yeah. They can shut off. Oh, yeah. They're just disconnected. I wonder if you met them. Or from the truth.

I wonder if you met them, if you would feel that. I wonder if you would feel that vibe if you were talking to them. I think it's just compartmentalizing. It might be. You shut that door and then let it in as if it's new information. There's also people that have killed people before. Yeah. And it gets like easier.

Like that story, Jamie, that you were telling me about that they suspected some SEAL stabbed some guy after a fight. They got in a fight. And then afterwards, I don't know, to pull a guy's name up. I don't know. Who knows if it's even true. He stabbed him. Yeah, he stabbed him. Because he had the blood lust.

And well, they got in a fight apparently. And then afterwards they arrested him because the guy got stabbed somewhere and died. And they think it might be connected. But you got to imagine. Just forget about this story, which I don't know what happened, right? I'm trying to be fair as fuck. But a guy who you teach how to kill people, who you hire to kill people, and order to kill people it's probably used to fucking killing people right and some people aren't and they might say something crazy like i'll fucking

kill you bitch i'm gonna see you on the street i'm gonna kill you and they say that to a navy seal and he goes oh really okay okay yeah he's like okay well i'm gonna remember that and then he waits till you get outside of that building say hey dude i don't really want you to kill me so i'm gonna kill you And he fucking kills you. So, like, who knows what happened. But I would assume that if a dude gets super used to killing people and really good at it, that's not the guy to fuck with.

Yeah. I'm not going to pull it up, but I just Googled it again. His lawyer, he might not have done it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There you go. I heard this thing on... You never know. Sorry, but I was going to say, people that get in bar fights they they have a lot of fucking people that

hate them it could easily be a coincidence yeah the reason to the up the fight is what they were saying is that he detained him on the pier for allegedly taking pictures of underage girls so oh oh jesus christ well maybe yeah okay well there you go there might be a lot of people that wanted to kill that guy. Yeah, yeah. If you're taking pictures of underage girls, you haven't, like, led an awesome, pristine life. And then one day you're like, you know what, man? Oh, that's what I wanted to tell you.

Hey. Did you hear the shit they found at Michael Jackson's place? Oh, wait. Hold on. Let me think of what it could be first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, definitely underage child porn um maybe a body no well just go ahead with your ideas like a whole underground ranch like another whole play area for when the apocalypse comes that kind of thing or possibly even uh some

unreleased tapes of music that you never put out? What if they found a cache? Let's be honest here. They found a cache of photos of Michael Jackson getting his dick sucked by boys. And right next to that cache was one of the best goddamn albums that Michael's ever put out.

And what if the music company is the ones that found it? Wait. And they get together and they have a little music meeting We got two options either Everybody assumes that he fucks some kids But there's no proof so we forgive him and we buy his music or we let these photos get out

And we ruin the legacy of one of the greatest artists of all time Look, we're not gonna save these kids from sucking his dick. They sucked his dick. It's gone. It's water under the bridge. It would be a greater crime if we didn't release this music to the public. Now you're talking like a Jew. We burn these dirty photos. They're going to cost money.

They're going to take food out of the mouths of your children. These photos. Well, that's not fair. My children didn't do anything. It's not fair. Your kids didn't do anything. My children didn't come on to a superstar. Sal, your kids are good kids. They deserve the best education they can.

We can't sink this ship with these fucking pictures. They probably have a furnace going 24-7 at any major record label just in case something like that comes up and they can chuck a hard drive in there. What do they find? They found photos of

adult bodies with kids faces engaged in pornographic acts. Like weird pornography, allegedly. This is all allegedly. Who alleged? Because I haven't seen it, and I don't know what's... Yeah, pull up one of the articles. Pull up this. So we can...

It's even more than what you're just saying. Well, it's animal mutilation too, right? Mm-hmm. He had photos of that? Yeah, he had animal mutilation too, right? Mm-hmm. And... He had photos of that? Yeah, he had photos of... I might have some of that too. Among the items found were pictures of adult bodies with children's faces superimposed on them,

sexy pictures of his nephews in their underwear, pictures of bleeding children and animals, including a photo of a child holding what looks like a goose bludgeoned to death, diaries, audio tapes, video tapes, prescription drugs to treat sex addiction. One insider claimed that Michael Jackson had a book called Room to Play, which included a picture of JonBenet Ramsey lookalike with a noose around her neck. What?

But what is that one insider? Whoever that insider is, I never trust that when I read that somewhere. And you can't show the pictures we're talking about because underage stuff yeah but how am i supposed to form just nah it's hard to form an opinion yeah but that that that term one insider a lot of this stuff is used to desensitize it all right it could be one liar well it's the problem is like when you say something like that one insider what that tells me is you do you either don't have enough back up up up up yeah no no brother way other way down yeah okay Ron zone and a former Santa Barbara DA was on the prosecution team told radar okay and then whoa okay well that guy's an actual saying something yeah he's saying a lot of this

stuff was used desensitize the children he added we identified five different boys who all made allegations of sexual abuse. There's not much question in my mind that Michael was guilty of child molestation. Woo, that's heavy. Yeah. But we kind of knew that. Yeah, but that's also a guy who can never prove it,

so maybe he's still like... See, but the weird shit is like the... Wow, he looks great in his mugshot. He looks really different. Yeah. That's skeleton Michael. Well, he looks really different yeah that's skeleton michael well he looks like some sort of a creation like that's that's barely a human anymore whatever he's done to his face he looks like cgi of like two years ago so strange well you know what it looks like claymation maybe

yeah like a claymation i was just gonna say Yeah, like some sort of artistic representation of the someone. Not an actual someone. Yeah. Like, have you ever seen that Barbie lady? The Russian Barbie lady? No. Dude, this girl spent like $100,000 on surgery to turn herself into a real life Barbie. So she doesn't look like a person.

She had her eyes widened and shit. That's her? Yeah. That wasn't a real life Barbie. So she doesn't look like a person. She had her eyes widened and shit. That's her? Yeah. That wasn't a real person. Yep, it's a real person. No fucking way. Go back to that. It's just, we got this little issue.

No, that is not a real person. Yes, it is, dude. It is. Yeah, there's a bunch of film of her. Actually, make sure that's true. That's a drawing. I've seen at least one television show that had her on. And she can walk fine.

They're all saying a person that shape couldn't walk. Well, you can. Yeah. She walks great. Most people can never be that shape. Well, they put corsets on. They smush their body down. But look at her eyes.

Her eyes with a line under it. Wugga, wugga, wugga. It's weird, man. Like right there. That's a perfect example. Thataga. It's weird, man. Like right there. That's a perfect example. That photo. That does not look real. First of all, that's filters.

How old is she? This is like it ruins the purpose of this by them taking these photos with filters. Because I could look like Barbie too with filters. You know? Yeah. You should show this like in a raw, gritty, close-up. I want to see like video of her talking. Exactly.

Well, that's what she used to look like. And that's what she looks like now. Wow. You know what? She was hot. She was pretty. Yeah. She's pretty.

She was ethnic looking. She looked hot. She looks redneck hot to me. Yeah. That's what I like. Barefoot, drunk. No way. Crazy.

Yeah. Look at these eyes, man. Sleep while I walk. Look at her eyes. No way! The whole thing is so strange. Now, that doesn't look too filtered, but it's definitely filtered, right? She looks like an ekmakana.

Yeah, right? That's going to be your fuck doll of the future. That's pretty, that's close enough that I would go for that. Oh, you would definitely go for it. Yeah that's coming that's coming 100 100 100 that'll be one of the first versions of commercial artificial intelligence it'll just have drives every industry that it was more than porn my friend yeah that's some sort of a prostitutional loophole yeah i mean people are already using those fleshlights oh yeah wouldn't uh oh yeah a real feeling human

yeah that'd be way better oh fuck yeah dude they're probably gonna figure out a way to have make it have actual skin yeah yeah i mean they can make skin in a lab they figured out how to make skin so if they make skin are they really oh yeah yeah so, they can make skin in a lab. They figured out how to make skin. So if they make skin. Are they really? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So they can make actual skin on a fuck doll?

Yeah. Wow. They can reproduce little things. They've reproduced a person's bladder. What? Where a woman got bladder cancer and they recreated her bladder with stem cells. From stem cells? Mm-hmm. And put it back in her body.

What do you mean they can't use it to make hair? They're going to figure it out eventually. But the organ thing, they're going to figure that out, too. They're going to be able to replace hearts and livers and all kinds of different things and make them all in a lab and then put them in your body. It's going to be real weird. But they're definitely going to be able to make a skin. Could you feel the heart beating while you're fucking a woman maybe she doesn't have a heartbeat bro

no i mean can they make that one with one that doesn't have a heartbeat no one that does when it does oh for sure definitely have to beat a human before they're like oh no you can't you have to ask permission from now well you know what man i think it's gonna slip under the radar how many brains and heart would they have to get who could who could give permission for this shit yeah that's he gets into almost like this god realm yeah what point do you get yeah alive well if you if you keep going right if you take whatever sort of robots they have now they have some kind of goofy looking robots yeah you know that can mostly just torsos they talk and some of the bodies move pretty decent if you just go a hundred years from now do you have any idea how crazy whatever the fuck they have now

it's going to be in a hundred years yeah it's going to be impossible for us to imagine because there's inventions that you need to have before the big inventions and they haven't even the tools to make i haven't invented there's going to be some leaps in the understanding of the very nature of the universe itself. And they're going to be able to change all sorts of stuff that they do. And life itself is also going to be on that list. They're going to make it, man. They're going to make it.

And even if they make it like a fuck doll that has like a limited brain, that it's only good for like fuck activities, you can't have it as a friend you just come home and this thing has some sort of an artificial brain that wants to suck dick and that's all it is she and she only wants to sucks yours she's not she's not a skank she's not running out fucking everybody else she just wants to wait for you to fuck the shit out of her and you're at work oh like that and you're like yeah and you're looking at your watch like

Well how come that's not okay, it's not a real person how come that's not okay, but Xbox is okay I can't wait to go home and kill people Can't wait to go home and fucking gun people down online Women are gonna protest the fuck out of those fuck dolls Of course they will they lose all power They are not happy with that idea especially when they give them away with an oil change and get a free fuck doll. I wonder if they have like a shelf life in the beginning. Like they deteriorate like a person. Like a die job.

It's like three, four weeks. Wouldn't women go the other way with it too? What? They'd have male fuck dolls. Just ramming them the whole night? Yeah, sure. Absolutely. Some would.

So some women who don't like dick, is that what you're saying? No, they don't like guys. They're tired of a dude. They get pounded all night and don't have to deal with yeah for sure oh so they would just hire some guy or build a robot for sure yeah it's definitely gonna happen for some women oh absolutely they would get a pudgy belly behind it they like that but you know what the problem is gonna be there's not just people don't just have a desire to fuck they also have a desire for a deep connection with somebody yeah sure you don't get that you don't just have a desire to fuck. They also have a desire for a deep connection with somebody. Yeah, sure.

You don't get that. You don't get that when you're fucked up. That would be a negative. So it's people going to go crazy. They're going to be sad and crying. Almost like the same way people who live entirely online are completely socially fucked. They said that about chat rooms 20 years ago. Didn't really happen.

Look around. They are not socially fucked. Look around. If you really do take it into consideration, I mean, man, there's going to be sad people. Yeah, you would be like, I'm just, you know people who have a porn addiction? You ever meet those guys? Oh, yeah. They're like, I had to stop.

I was getting crazy. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Yeah. Well, that's what they're saying. Michael Jackson had some sort of a sex addiction. Jesus. Dark. Super dark, like midnight. It's just spooky that that guy was doing that to these kids while he was the biggest star in the world. I mean, we all know it's true. What are people still going? No, because they don't want to.

They don't want to believe. Come on. There's an elementary school in Hollywood. The auditorium for the school is the Michael Jackson Auditorium. Really? Feel free to change that whenever you want. At least change it to Auditorium ODD. That's Jamie's version of for sure change that.

Feel free. Oh, it's so true god how weird that many allegations yeah it's always 100 guilty if they're saying that they have all this stuff yeah that's just it's weird stuff too man the the mutilated animals and shit like what's hmm and if people still be like he did everything but he did everything but he just liked to cuddle with them at night didn't do anything creepy to them. He looked at pictures, sure, but that's not actions. Well, if you take a kid's head, here's the thing. That might be the only way he could legally possess child pornography.

If he what? That might be the only way he could have legally possessed child pornography. If he took the pictures. If he took a photo. No, taking a photo of a kid's head and putting it on an adult's body where two adults are having sex, which is apparently what he did. He superimposed the photos or had someone do it. That might be like a legal loophole that allows you to watch child porn. Oh.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well, you could have that and people- You'd have to do a really good job of it, but yeah, for sure. You know what I'm saying? I want to watch a young boy. I don't know if there's any loopholes for child porn. But it's not child porn because it's adult porn.

No, you just have a picture of a guy, of a little boy's face. No, I think you might have a point, though. Because I think I read something recently about they were taking, goddammit, what was the, they were saying, it had to do with anime. It had to do with animated stuff. And they were, it was pretty explicitly saying that even animated child pornography like if you did like cgi child that's wrong too yes yes wow really yeah hmm right what is this like a foster's an urge what if they're like little anime baby pandas

it seems like a release an urge gotta let him off. It's hard because you know what? I'm with you. And no one gets hurt in the making of it. And I feel like a hypocrite because I've always resisted the pornography equals rape of women idea because I just don't think it. But then again, it doesn't do that to me. Just because it doesn't do that to me doesn't mean it can't foster that in somebody. But it's one of those things where like, okay, look, if you eat a whole bottle of aspirin you could fucking die yeah should we only

sell aspirin one at a time to prevent death yeah you should you have to go to the store and buy one aspirin or should i fucking trust you with a hundred aspirin i say trust me trust you right so that's got to be the same way with porn because for a lot of us you watch porn you're just watching two people have sex you get excited you jerk off you feel better you move you watch porn, you're just watching two people have sex, you get excited, you jerk off, you feel better, you move on with your life. You're taking care of a biological need. It doesn't foster some fucking need to rape in a normal person. I get more aggressive when I haven't had sex in two weeks. I like how you bend down when you say that.

You're like, oh, I get more aggressive. Yeah. I mean, that's what gets me worked up. Not getting laid. Not watching porn. That's true. There's been an update as of today, since we've been doing podcasts, that say Michael Jackson's estate reached out to Vanity Fair and said everything in these reports, including

what the county of Santa Barbara calls content that appears to be obtained off the internet or through unknown sources, is false. Oh. Of course they would say that. And maybe that guy just still had to get them. Because he could never prove it. It's one website that started reporting all this. So it's all stemmed from Of course they would do that. And maybe that guy just still had to get him because he could never prove it. It's one website that started reporting all this.

That could be bullshit. Totally could be bullshit. You know what? I'm going to throw out the evidence of that guy, the former DA, because he's definitely got an ax to grind.

He's not impartial. He could be upset that he nabbed that guy. Yeah. So he's just talking about it now. Who the fuck knows, man? It doesn't mean everything's thrown out.

Here's the thing, right? If you know, like if you knew that guy was guilty and you couldn't do anything about it you couldn't get him yeah and you were a former da you would fucking go to great lengths fuck him fuck his legacy i know we did that shit you remember that during the mark firman days where they accused mark firman of planting evidence i think they're pretty sure he did, right? Aren't they pretty sure he planted evidence? Like he planted blood or something? In that documentary, I haven't watched it all yet,

but they were saying something about he showed up with a baseball bat and some crazy shit and they had to talk him away from having a baseball bat. OJ did. No, Mark Furman did, I think. He showed up somewhere with a baseball bat? That night when the three detectives and he was one of the three that showed up to OJ's house.

He had a bat with him like he was going to beat up OJ or some shit. Are you sure you don't have that story screwed up? I thought it was OJ had a bat. I'll look it up again. You might be right, though. OJ was looking at him and wouldn't come out of the house because he saw that or something. Oh, so Mark Furman was out of his house with a baseball bat. I'll check.

Get the fuck out of here. So he's a loose cannon ready to beat OJ up. Why would a cop have a baseball bat? Don't you have a gun? Guns are better to use, but... You just want to beat the guy, maybe? Intimidation factor? Maybe he's not going to use it, just like...

Maybe he's into that Walking Tall movie. No, you're right. What? I guess OJ did have it. Yeah. Mark Furman had to pull out a baton on OJ Simpson to get him to drop a baseball bat. Yeah. He battered Nicole when he called police.

See? That was before that happened. How dare you mix these things up? Joe Rogan shooting holes. Damn. How dare you mix these things up. So Rogan's shooting holes. Damn. How dare you. It's still- That's the name of your new hunting podcast.

Ooh, shooting holes. Yeah. Yeehaw. Holes in deer. But the point was, they think that Mark Furman planted evidence, though. So if he did- Though that's what they said. Well, someone said he did, right?

I don't know if they proved it. That's what the prosecution kept telling the press said he did. Right? I don't know if they proved it. That's what the prosecution kept telling the press, for sure. Or not the prosecution, the defense. Yeah. I mean, you know, they just... There was some reason... Did you see that 30 for 30? No, I did not.

I heard it's awesome, though. Yeah, I haven't watched it yet. Oh, you either. Yeah. We should both pretend we watched it and talk shit. And have everybody online get angry. Supposedly the best documentary ever made. Whoa.

Wow, relax. That's strong words. That'sly the best documentary ever made. Whoa. That's what they're seeing a lot. Let's only be out for a month before you decide it's the best thing ever. They showed it at Sundance and everyone watched the whole thing there. I've got two words for you. Grizzly man. That was a good movie. Everybody stop.

But if the guy planted evidence, my point was if he knew that OJ did it, right? If OJ had beat up his girlfriend before, his wife before, and he had a baseball bat and they had to talk him down and, you know, but he was this football star and everybody kept it under wraps. If he fucking knew that the guy did it, like the guy was like close to doing it a couple of times and never did it like this with the baseball bat. Yeah. I wonder what that fucking thought process is we're just gonna take one of these gloves dip in a little bit of blood and chuck it in his fucking bushes yeah fuck him fuck him i know he did it hey guys i found something over here holy shit we got it it's the glove it's got

her blood on it quickly in the bag zip it tight take it over to the lab tested positive for nicole's blood we got him We got him the glove didn't fit You must acquit how how did it not fit because his big-ass hands and he just went like it Was it really not his glove spread? I just tried not to get it on if you watch it is ridiculous if you want to put a pair of gloves on you go Like this yeah, if you open your fingers you're doing them to articulate your fingers into the holes Yeah, you don't fucking palm a basketball. You know what I mean? That's what he was doing.

I have another glove on too. A plastic glove underneath. Did he? I think so. I don't know. Let's show a video of it. Oh my God. It's one of the most preposterous moments in history. They interrupted my some sort of sociology class in college. One of the ladies listened on the radio.

Tell us when the verdict comes in. You're right. By the way, it fits great. See, they say it doesn't fit. He's got rubber gloves on underneath and he's pretending he can't get it in any further. It fits great. For those rubber gloves? Look at that.

Fits great. It's a little off him. I can see what he's saying. He can't get it's a little off. It's a little off him. I can see what he's saying. He can't get it over the knuckle. People 164A. Is that the right-hand glove? Yeah, sure.

All right. He's like, I can't. I can't do it. It looks like he's pretending like he's trying to get them on. It doesn't look as preposterous as I remember. But I remember it. Meanwhile, if Eddie Bravo was here, he'd have me convinced. I'm telling you, bro.

It's his son. Okay, let me see these gloves, OJ. Pull them up. He's pulling them up. He's actually legitimately pulling them up. Yeah, he's trying. He's trying. But he does have rubber gloves on underneath.

But that's not that much. No, it's a big difference if you have a pair of Italian racing gloves. Those are thin little. Those are thin little. Yeah, but that's the point. Those Italian racing gloves, they fit right over your skin. They're for racing. That's what those are. Those are thin little... Yeah, but that's the point. Those Italian racing gloves, they fit right over your skin. They're for racing. That's what those are.

Those are murdering. And murdering. Do you think the people who own the glove company were like, can we use this? Is this good for us? Can we market this at all? Well, let's just leak it. Leak it to the press.

Don't want to promote it. That would be a great billboard. At the time, Mondavi gloves. Youak it to the press. You don't want to actually promote it. That would be a great billboard at the time to have Mondavi gloves. You know you've seen them. Well, that's what Joey Diaz said they were doing in New York

after Len Bias died. They were selling coke. Selling his coke? This is the shit that killed Len Bias, dog. Get over here and get some of this. That's what Joey said

about the shit that killed Freddie Soto. Everything. He's like, I want that good shit. Give me the shit you sold Freddie Soto. God, don't hold back on me. That's Joey's said about the shit that got Freddie Soto. Everything. He's like, I want that good shit. Give me the shit you sold Freddie Soto. God, don't hold back on me. That's Joey's go-to move when someone dies.

Use them to get better drugs. Use their memory. No, well, to joke about it, saying that he wants that. It's the only good stuff. If there was a drug that you could buy that killed a guy yeah like say if there's a guy like len bias today and cocaine was legal yeah and uh this guy was buying pepsi cocaine sorry pepsi i didn't mean nothing by that don't um and they if they they died do you think the sales would go up? Oh. For sure, right? Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. If you killed someone famous like that. If you got Mike's Coke, dude, it's Mike's Coke. Is this the Mike's Coke that killed a basketball player? Yeah. Dude, it's the shit. Dude, if I saw some weed that gave someone a panic attack, I would be like, no, no, no, no, let me try.

People use it as a bragging right. What's his name? Don't say his name. I got some weed. Oh. Apollo. course he was like all right it was too much for me i was like save me that weed you need to save that for me i'll be home soon it was over the winter i was like i will be home i need to try that he's what is he doing the edibles before he goes to bed i don't know a lot of people like that yeah it's a relaxing thing before they go to bed. It's real popular with the kids these days. Yeah. Sleep the whole night.

Yeah. But you can fucking, you can go on a bad ride. You can definitely go on a bad ride. You got to be careful. You wake up and forget. Yeah. Barris went to the hospital. I had crazy dreams about being on slippery rooftops.

Woo. Really? On edibles? Yeah. Edible dreams. Interesting. Edible dreams are slippery. Being on scary rooftops? Yeah. Edible dreams. Interesting. Edible dreams are slippery. Being on scary rooftops?

Yeah, slippery rooftops. So you're just always falling off. Near the edge. Near the edge. Woo! Scary. Why am I up here? Why am I up here?

You're never in your dream. Like, what am I even doing here? I don't come to places like this. How did I get up here? Yeah, what am I doing on a roof? Yeah. That was every scene in Memento. Not Memento.

Inception. Oh, yeah. I i was like wait a minute wait a minute when when did i get here oh fuck that movie was very weird it was so good though have you watched it twice no i need to watch it a second time too yeah i uh i enjoyed it but i didn't enjoy it as much as a lot of people enjoyed it i thought it was just it got here's the deal it had me talking for two weeks after you know what the problem is a good movie yeah well it's definitely a provocative movie and fucking amazingly well done but the problem is not not even with the movie itself but with the idea of it is when your reality that you're creating in whatever this dream state that they're putting

these people into right if the reality they're creating is that convincing Like how is it any different like what you like don't enjoy this this isn't even real Well, it's exactly the same thing. It's real. I get enjoyment out of it Yeah, it's not like like if you bought a foot that was just right yeah, his wife's like no no I'm staying here Yeah, this is great Yeah, why not Why wouldn't you stay Where the fuck are you gonna go You gonna go to the real world

I wanna go to the world Where I can touch it And know I can put it on a scale Oh wait his wife wasn't real One of them wasn't real They're all fucking His wife died Just as real

That's it he remade his wife And she turned evil Perfect Perfect Like what are you complaining about What you need to be in the real world You pussy Yeah

It's the same exact world. It feels exactly the same. You're going through it the same way. Yeah, if you can drive a brand new Ferrari, get the smell. Dude, have you ever tried to quit something, like carbs or cigarettes or anything like that? Yes. Or even coffee, and then you dream about the thing you quit? Probably.

I've had dreams about cigarettes, and I wake up with a negative feeling like, fuck, I goddamn smoked again. It takes me like 20 or 30 minutes to get the feeling out of me. Like, no, it's just a dream, but the feeling remains. You're a weird one when it comes to this cigarette thing. But you're a weird one in that, you know, when you describe it, you have a very honest way of describing the addiction to cigarettes. In that you're a smart dude so you know exactly what's going on thanks what what do you mean but you know what's going on like the weirdness of this the addiction to cigarettes it's weird so when you quit when you quit and you would

talk about like this desire even though you intellectualize the fact that it's chemical addiction but your your way of describing it is very honest in the way that it's like, oh, okay. It's like a demon. Like, you can't get around it. Or it'll fuck you. Like, come on, Ari. Come back to me. Yeah.

It climbs into your breath. Oh, I'm in you again. Moving around in your lungs. Dude. It feels so good. I was in Thailand. Four years removed from a cigarette. I've had a cigar too, but, you know,

it was a quick, you know, you don't really inhale them. And we were in a zoo late at night. PDC had a cigarette. I was like, you know, this feels fucking right.

Warm out, you know? Yeah. I was like, let me have one. I smoked like two, three quarters of it. And I was like, okay, cool, I'm done. And then the next day i was like i want a cigarette it was right back in just like you were saying just like that act out that's exactly it gets in there again i had to be like no

no no no i made a mistake last night smart people smoke cigarettes no we should not have done that again. No. Come on, man, I'm relaxing. Just come in for a second, but then you gotta go. I'll make you calm. What? We shouldn't do that. Come on, man, chill out. All right, today, this is the last time. It's gonna be fine. Then no more after this, though, all right? Say it. Yeah, man. You just get back on the ride. Yeah.

You want to, ah, fuck it. And then you're in. Big Jay and his girlfriend started smoking again. They're like, no, we just did it on the weekend in Philly. I'm like, no, you're smoking again. Like, no, we're quitting. I'm like, oh, no. You're already saying what we're going to?

No, you've already fully committed to smoking. It's been like a year now. They're still smoking um, you know, they say it has that nicotine has nootropic properties to it just like Like alpha brain or neuro one means it's like a Mental stimulant in the sense increases memory increases increases cognitive function it's not a stimulant like um a lot of writers write on it right oh yeah a lot of writers do and you know what i um started doing because of joey diaz i'll get one of those blue cigarette things and i'll suck on

them before a show nicotine yeah because it's not no it's not nicotine you have to worry about nicotine is actually it actually has health benefits nicotine's what's addictive it's not nicotine you have to worry about Nicotine is actually it actually has health benefits. So nicotine is what's addictive. It's I don't know man It doesn't doesn't work like that with me. Don't you crave that the e-cigarette more? No, no I might not have one for a month and then sometimes I like to suck on them before a show you're in a ring a tank No, hmm. Your body doesn't react to weight Pervils maybe though. I think it does. Yeah, I guess so. With nicotine, I guess it would. Yeah, I think it would.

Yeah. Well, I smoked a cigarette the other day with Doug Stanhope. No way. Yeah, I didn't smoke a cigarette, but I took a hit of his cigarette. Yeah. And I took a hit of Tony Hinchcliffe's cigarette once before I went on stage, too. Feels good. Feels good.

Gives you a little buzz. So I just want one hit of this. Oh, yeah. But that... Remember that buzz off a cigarette? Remember that? I was like, oh, man that... Remember that buzz off a cigarette? Remember that? Oh, man, I'm woozy for a little bit. Yeah, because if you don't smoke and you take a hit off of a cigarette, it definitely gives you like a weird little buzz.

Uh-huh. Well, it's a carcinogen, too. Yeah. But I think there's also some sort of stimulating factor of all those different chemicals the FDA kindly allows them to put into that shit. So what's the addictive then? What's the thing that gets you addicted? There's a lot of factors. One of it is smoking of the cigarette.

Like the nicotine in that form is apparently more addictive in some strange way. Maybe it's because his delivery method is more powerful and potent. Maybe it's because of all the other chemicals. You see that insider movie with Russell Crowe? Did you ever see that? I know what you're talking about though. Good fucking movie. If it's factual. I'm not sure if it is, but all the other chemicals. You see that Insider movie with Russell Crowe? Did you ever see that? I know what you're talking about, though. Good fucking movie. If it's factual.

I'm not sure if it is, but I think it is. Because you've got to have your ducks in a row when you make a goddamn expose movie with Russell Crowe about the cigarette industry. It's got to sound right. Most likely. I mean, otherwise it wouldn't be available anymore. They would remove it from iTunes and all that shit.

But it's essentially Russell Crowe, if you haven't seen it, is this super scientist that they have engineered these cigarettes to make them more addictive. Then he testifies about it, and they go to his house, and they scare him, they threaten him, and all this shit. It's creepy. It's fucking creepy. So apparently it's true, though. There are a bunch of different chemicals, like hundreds of them, that they allow these companies to put into cigarettes that alter the flavor profile and all sorts of other different things to do but it also makes them more addictive and he outlines them in the movie and explains how they engineered it so that's why when you're

taking a hit off those things it's different than a cigar or different than a lot of other ways that you're getting tobacco yeah yeah but even like chewing tobacco is addictive. People get addicted to that shit. People have holes in their mouths. Can get addictive. But so can jerking off. So can a lot of things. That's different though.

That's like mental addiction. So can coffee. Coffee can be addictive. Coffee for sure. Nicotine myth busted. Nicotine does not cause addiction. There you go.

E-Health Forum. Wow. It's just as bad as caffeine. Nicotine by itself is only a mild central central system stimulant similar to caffeine has

very mild addictive properties also much like caffeine. Well I know for a fact that caffeine is pretty fucking addictive. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a draw symptoms of caffeine. Yeah. Get its headaches when you quit. That's like. Yeah. That's not like you

quit seat cushions. I was going way too hard at one point in time writing yeah where i would uh make a pot of fucking coffee and i would down that shit at like 9 p.m and right till five six o'clock in the morning just jacked out of my mind on coffee and uh when i tried to quit that i had a problem i had headaches like my head was like like i was my brain my body was like it's gonna you're gonna have to deal with a ridiculous amount of stimulants over the course of like seven hours or i gear up and then once i shut the fucking fun farm down they were like hey where's all we got used to that come on bro headaches how long did the headaches last for a couple days so you started drinking coffee again no no i never never drank it like that again i'll never drink more than a couple of cups a day

but i thought it was bad for you at one point in time which has also been debunked caffeine yeah no coffee itself coffee itself is not bad for you. And caffeine in the form of coffee is not necessarily bad for you either, but it's like one of those things where you can fuck it up if you just go too hard. So like what I was doing when I was writing,

when I was drinking, like literally pots of that shit. Damn. Probably like overrunning my adrenals. Yeah, I remember you and Tate used to get that late night Starbucks in Sacramento. Oh yeah, and sleep like babies. Wait, what? what it's going to bedtime why would you drink that now it doesn't

make sense tate loves coffee i'm so glad i never got out of that shit it's delicious it makes me feel good i hate that taste i don't know when people stop being kids yeah i don't know well it's um there's also like a lot of other ways that you can get caffeine You know, you can get caffeine and freebase. No, you can get it in other ways. Yeah, Coca-Cola Tea teas yerba mate's you ever have yerba mate. I think so. It's good stuff. I believe I have It's like a stimulant sort of a tea. Yeah, like ginger. Yeah, there's a lot of those things man It's a lot of groovyass stimulants that you could purchase. You know what else is stimulant?

Ari Shafir at the Comedy Store tomorrow night. Oh, you son of a bitch! Thursday night. How dare you! How dare you work it in like that! Guys, I'm doing my hour. Only time in LA I'm doing it. So come tomorrow night.

Get tickets at ari-shafir.com. And it's only $10. I have like 80 more seats I don't want to fill come tomorrow night. Get tickets at rhshafear.com and it's only 10 bucks. I have like 80 more seats I don't want to fill up. Jesus. So hurry up and get them. Jesus. We'll just put the wings

on if not. But it should be fun. Yeah. I knew I was going really well. It should be fun. Well, I'll tweet it too. Okay, cool. Thanks.

Glorious. Is it open? I need an opener. I can't. Okay. So what the fuck's going on, man? What's the latest? I don't know. I went to bonnaroo it was really fun yeah it's really fun where is bonnaroo is like tennessee or something yeah manchester near uh nashville yeah like an hour away how big is tennessee like

if you drive through the whole thing it was a full day we stopped in uh nashville and then we stopped in memphis the next night it drove like 10 hours. Whoa. 10 hours through Nashville? I think so. Wow. I would drive until the sun went down and then we would just stop. See, I always think of states like Massachusetts. Yeah. If you drive 10 hours, you're not in Massachusetts anymore.

Right, right, right. In any direction. Tennessee's really long. Yeah. It's a big ass, long ass, hot state. It's the wiener dog of states. Is it? I guess so.

Based on its length and height so uh bonnaroo had uh there you you did some weird shows like you did that one two thirty in the morning show that we were talking about yeah it was great that's hilarious yeah i just spread it word of mouth a little bit on twitter last minute i was like i'm finding out when i get there i'm finding out where it's gonna be and when wow i took a sharpie i wrote it on people's hands i run into them like what are you doing i'm doing a show where i'm like to be and when wow i took a sharpie i wrote on people's hands i run into them like what are you doing i'm doing a show where i'm like at christmas bar and i was like say back to me like christmas bar okay like all right what time and then i started writing

on people's arms xmas barn 2 30 friday well for people don't understand why he did that everybody was fucked up on drugs yeah you kind of had to do that everybody's fucked up at that point or just super tired even drunk yeah but Yeah. But usually drugs. That's true. It's a drug. It's a drug festival. But drunk is a drug. We fucked up in classification of drugs in this country.

Drunk seems as inebriating as any of the other stuff. It's a drug. Yeah. But somehow or another, we've found ourselves in this position where most people are in denial that they do drugs while they drink. Yeah. And then you're going to put mushroom and heroin in the same category? Drugs?

A way worse category. Yeah. A way worse category. Come on. It's hilarious. Come on. But we've been hoodwinked by booze. God damn it.

Not that I don't like booze. I enjoy it. It's so much more socially acceptable. It's crazy. Way more drunk driving. Oh, yeah. Way more everything. Did you hear what,

what's his name said in Canada? Trudeau? Yeah. What'd he say? He's the first guy to take this stance on this where instead of saying

the other side always takes, we got to protect children. Children are going to get it. You know? Right. And the only defense against that is like, well, it's got benefits

to sick people and stuff like that. It's not really a defense of their argument. Right. Trudeau is like, Canada has I think like top five instance of underage people getting marijuana.

It's like really bad there. He's like, we're already not protecting them. Let's regulate it so that we can protect the kids. Because he goes, look, I think it should be legal, but I also see there's problems with people getting it when they're developing, when their mind is developing. I agree. So let's do what we can to keep it out of their hands, which is legalization, regularization.

Regulation. Regulation. Regulation. Like alcohol. If alcohol was fully illegal and you just get it from mafia guys, 14-year-olds will have the same access as 34-year-olds. That's a very good point. That's probably the best point for it.

Yeah. Because kids are- Now they've got to find some cool 22-year-old. Yeah. That's the only way they can get it. That 22-year-old's taking a big chance these days. Taking a chance. I think that shit's a giant felony. Really? Yeah, when we were kids, it wasn't nothing.

Or fake ID, or stealing from your dad. People always sold booze. You would wait outside a liquor store, and a guy would buy booze for you. You tell him you give him 20 bucks, they didn't give a fuck. 20 bucks surcharge, then the price of the whatever? Yeah, just tell the guy, we'll give you 20 bucks if you go and get us acharge then the price of the whatever yeah just tell the guy we'll give you 20 bucks if you go and uh get us a fucking we may or may not have used the drive

throughs and they'll just give it to us when we were 17 18 years old yeah they don't give a fuck they didn't especially in ohio they're trying to get you drunk so you stay yeah exactly get somebody pregnant we can't lose you yeah we need to keep you around son if getting you drunk is how we do it yeah it's weird that we have this one drug we give a pass to yeah and it's the one that's the most destructive to your health it's it's fucking bananas it really is you get into fights but the problem is it's existed for so long and it hasn't changed yet in spite of all we know. So like more recently, this Nixon thing came out where they admitted that the whole reason why they instituted this war on drugs is to try to break up the civil rights movement and to try to break up the anti-war movement. How?

Because they knew that the people involved in the civil rights movement were doing drugs. Damn, you're fast, Jamie. He's the best. The civil rights movement and the anti-war movement were doing marijuana. So they decided that was the way. Yeah, that was the way to go after them, to break up those organizations by arresting their members for drug-related locking them up in jail really interesting stuff wow yeah so that means but it's

a fact so it's one of those things where you know you hear like a alex jones type guy talk about it you know yeah you kind of don't believe it yeah like sexual proof right then you see something like this and you know that is exactly how they operate but it's still stuck in your head of like yeah but they're different well you know there was a WikiLeaks thing that Facebook is apparently censoring see that that was another one of the things that I want to talk to you about what they're saying that there was all this Hillary Clinton emails that Facebook is censoring that they don't want to get out that WikiLeaks is trying to print and then Facebook says we won't let you

retweet that no no I'm not I I'm not sure how they stop something like that. I heard about this leak about some Hillary Clinton stuff. One of the hackers said he gave it to Assange. Right, but the problem is you have to trust the hacker? No, no. You don't trust the hacker. You trust Julian Assange. That's who you trust because he's never let us down.

He's only put out stuff that's real. He sounds like a good team. He's never let us down. I'm just saying his word is i will put out real shit only keep that up so i can take a look at it you know do your facebook stop censoring our hillary clinton email release no really stop it there is no technical issue huh oh wow hmm and wiki weeks is so wiki leaks is putting that up on Twitter with a photograph of it. This is interesting. So, see, the problem is when you're getting something from a guy who hacked into her email server.

Yeah. How is it not possible that he could trick them? He's so fucking smart that he can get into her email server. Tricked who? Hillary Clinton. Like, they got into her email to. Tricked who? Hillary Clinton. They got into her email to get this stuff. Yeah. Right?

I mean, this is what they're saying. Yeah, so? How do we know? I mean, someone who could do that can make it look like he did it, too. Can make it look like, say that again? Someone who can hack into a server. I'm just assuming. Okay, just inventing stuff.

Tell me if I'm right or wrong. Yeah, maybe, but there's not the only person that has claimed to have hacked the server either. Oh, okay. can hack into a server i'm just i'm just assuming tell me if i'm right or wrong yeah maybe but there's not the only person that have claimed to have hacked the server either russian hackers as of yesterday i think i saw the same say they're in there right now so there's a gang of different people who've hacked it i think once you get that and the issue is she's like don't worry about it i have this secret server on my own for no no reason you don't you don't need to know 30,322 emails pulled from a private account she was using during her tenure as a Secretary of State. You know, I had this guy in here who was a CIA guy.

Yeah. And he said pretty flat out if he had done any of the things that she did, he'd be in jail. Who? he'd be in jail who the the cia guy was telling me that if he did any of the things that she did with this email server she'd be in jail wow yeah this guy mike baker very uh very interesting guy yeah they're talking about whether or not they're gonna indict her and it's like no the people doing the indicting are her buddies like they're not gonna indict her especially not till after she if she loses then maybe but not beforehand well if this is all coming out like right now right it looks like she's gonna be the nominee for the democrats and this is the part at home where people start going

i fucking hate it when you talk about politics because you don't know shit you're right leave politics behind and come thursday night to the comedy store 9 p.m okay go ahead how do they get tickets all right already the great.com or go to TheComedyStore.com. Interesting. Bring a friend. All right. This is a terrible time for this stuff to come out because there's no other option. It would have to be Bernie Sanders.

That's the only other option. Somehow or another, she would have to be indicted. They would have had to come out a month and a half or two months ago. And they don't know. When people look at it, they don't know whether or not Bernie can win. People are pretty sure that Hillary is going to win because you're going to get a lot of women that are going to vote on her just because she's a woman. I thought they said, like, Bernie does better against Trump than Hillary does against Trump by the polls. Who are these polls?

I don't know. Who's taking them? I don't know. Who are these fucking people? Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. It's all just a good sports vet.

Jamie had a really good point. It's a good sports bet here's jamie had a really good point it's a very good point he said how come you see all this hype for bernie sanders and you don't see any hype for clinton and yet clinton still wins these well a lot of it's because you had to have changed from an independent to a democrat like months ago and then when it's time to vote you're like well i can't vote in the primaries because i'm an independent. No, they're both Democrats. How many Hillary voters did you vote for? I'm saying in the primaries.

So then it's too late for them to vote in the primary. Okay, so they didn't register in time. That's what you're saying? No, they had to be registered as independent. And then they're like, oh no, you can't. Even though they're going to vote Democrat. Why do they have to be registered as independent? No, they were.

It was all these people that were registered as independent. Some people were Democrat, Republican, Independent. Oh, I see. The people who were registered as independent couldn't vote in the Democratic primary. Oh, okay. I understand. That's fucking stupid. Yeah.

So that's one of the reasons why you see more support than he's actually getting. My point was more like you don't see very, or I don't, very many Hillary bumper stickers and signs and online support at all. Dude, it's like joining Costco. You're joining a club. You have to join a Democrat club, and that's how you get to vote in the Democratic primaries. It's fucking ridiculous. How come you can't just

vote? How come a registered voter can't just vote? You have to be a registered Democrat to vote? For the primary, yes. That's ridiculous! You should be able to go independent slash Democrat. You should be able to do whatever the fuck you want! Most people don't vote in these primaries that have been happening, which is the issue. This is madness. We're just

picking our candidates. But this is... But it's madness. Because none of it matters. We're all just voting on who gets the paycheck. But what a better way to control the system by making you... You have to be a registered member of the party in order to vote in the primaries yeah that's hilarious if that's true boy i don't want to keep going it's also not true some states it's

state to state it literally matters depending on where you let's say you're like a tea party guy and like you're an independent that side you also tea party guy go drown you couldn't vote for the republican primary if you're like i would definitely vote for trump you couldn't do that either but that's not as i think problematic i think the Tea Party started off with a good idea. But somewhere along the line, the morons took over. Yeah. First of all, calling it the Tea Party, hey, guys, okay, how about a new name? Why are you calling yourself the, well, it's a historical precedent that they set when they threw the tea into the ocean to protest Great Britain.

You will not tax or tariff us. Fuck up. Dude, Tea Party and Occupy are the same thing. You guys have Sarah Palin. It's over. Sarah Palin's your gal. They let people talk for them that were like- Too dumb.

Not the people they should have talked for. They let the wrong dummies in. Yeah. Well, they, you know, it becomes like a business. Sort of like if you're like one of those bitchywives, and everybody knows you as the bitchy housewife. You try to help it more? Yeah, you got to ramp it up. That's what you do now.

You got to throw drinks at bitches' faces, claw their weaves off. That must be tiring. Just exhausting to be that lady. Hey, that's probably off work. It's probably like the sheepdog and the coyote. Morning, Sam. Morning, Ralph. And they go off to the-

Just having a nice conversation. Just go, excuse me one second. I have to throw this. Hold on a second. What'd you say, bitch? Bitch. Okay, I. And they go off to the- Just having a nice conversation. Just go, excuse me one second. I have to throw this. Hold on a second. What'd you say, bitch? Bitch. Okay, I'm sorry. Where were we?

So I think that's what happens. I think they take on a role. Yeah. You know? And they just get caught up in it. Don't vote. It's pointless. Everyone at home, stay home.

It just seems like this way has got to fucking melt down in front of our face until we come up with a better way sure it seems like it it's so dumb this is like some colonial feather writing fucking parchment bullshit the rich people get money from the corporations and the rich people keep being the ones deciding how the elections go. Yeah. So they're going to decide to make it a little more favored towards them. Yeah. And you have to register for a party to vote in the primary.

What? What? Why can't you do that while you're voting? This is stupid. I'm a Democrat. Primaries are fucking gross. Primaries are like a club that you have to belong to. And that's how you pick presidents.

And by the way, when you become a registered Democrat, that's like being a fucking Raiders fan. Yeah, being on a team. Why can't I just be like, oh, see what people have to offer? And I'm not saying anything bad about the Raiders. No, no, no. That's the worst fan base in sports. That's what I heard. They're stabby. They're gross.

Stabby. They're one step below ICP fans. Stabby. They're stabby. They're so glad they're not coming to la so glad what are they going to deal with them vegas let that city burn with them well you're very good oh vegas is garbage too how dare you how about that i'll see another fucking woman dancing in a cage on the ceiling you don't think that's hot that's so edgy there There's nothing to that city.

Dude, it's edgy. It's all such fake. She's got glitter on her ass. It's edgy. It's all like, this is how parties seems like they'd be in movies, right?

Well, it's also a gang of people on Molly. Oh, yeah. That's mostly what you're handling. You're handling, I mean, this is, when you're going

to these fucking clubs, it's not a surprise why they all have glow sticks. These people are tripping balls. Dude, LCD Sound System was so good on Molly. What's LCD Sound System? It's this band, but they use the lights so fucking good. They sing that song Daft Punk is playing at my house.

Remember that? No. It's like a minor hit. They have a couple of minor hits. But man, they blew Pearl Jam out of the water. Really? Yeah, Pearl Jam was just fine. Just fine.

Yeah, but these guys gave you a show. Yeah, but you were on drugs. Yeah, but Jeremiah hasn't ever done any drugs, and he thought LCD Sound System was better, too. Wow, interesting. Well, so they had a real show. Yeah, they go for it. They're not just playing to their fans. You can't really compete with that if you're just someone who plays your hits, and you like to talk about politics in between the song and fucking pontificate.

Fucking Vedder gave like three speeches, and he brought his daughter out and made us all sing Happy Birthday to her. Ooh, not good, dude. The whole light show is just them up close playing. Happy birthday to you. I don't know your goddamn daughter. Happy birthday. Maybe you could do that. This ain't a Pearl Jam show, idiot.

This is a Bonnaroo show. Yeah. Fucking 10% of us know who you are. That's right. Win some fans. That's actually super important, right Win some fans That's actually Super important right Yeah

That's a good way To look at it man Dude half of them Coast off their fame And the other half Like oh people Don't know me here Oh yeah

Let's go for it Slayer last year They fucking destroyed That's a good point dude Yeah You know that And that goes with Comedy too man

Fuck yeah That goes with everything Yeah I saw Bill Burr On that It was like a Comedy Central Like year and review kind of thing they had those for like three or four years he did five minutes there and he was like okay you guys aren't my fans yet this was like six seven years ago I remember

that yeah yeah that was Dane no it was a different one but it was okay bill was in this like politically correct sort of group of people they weren't accepting it and he had a hammer at home. Yeah. Yeah. Win fans. Yeah. Markets that don't know you.

That's what they, at these festivals. Some people go, that guy Chris Stapleton. We were just sitting there on the lawn. He came on. I was like, this guy is good as shit. Yeah. He's a bad motherfucker. I've listened to that CD, whatever you want to call it, album.

I guess we can call them albums again. Yeah. Album's cool. Album sounds better than CD. It sure does. It's not a compact disc so what is it it's an album yeah we go back to album so his new album or the album that i have i think it's only one i think he only has one out it's fucking incredible it's really good yeah

amazing stuff yeah it was so mellow and nice and a lot i told you about the time that um uh stone temple pilots played at d Dana White's birthday party. Damn, yeah. And they went for it. Smashed it. They smashed it. All the way to the grave. That guy might have been a crazy junkie out of his fucking mind, all sorts of personal problems and all that jazz.

And were there 200 people there? Less? Maybe 200, but they were scattered all throughout this. We had to get people to get closer towards the stage and kind of get excited about the fact that it's fucking Stone Temple Pilots. Stone Temple Pilots. That guy could have been in a football stadium filled with people. He would have done the exact same show. That's how strong it was.

You put up a video of it. Oh, yeah, that's right. No way. Oh, yeah. This is Dana White's surprise birthday party. He doesn't know what's going on. Oh, that's right. It's fucking hell!

Oh, my goodness! white surprise bristle behind him oh that's right where's that nine no um that was that i don't remember what it was and then stone temple pilots is in the video oh you don't get that now that's just the surprise part. It was awesome. That's nice and all, but... Oh, okay. I thought maybe the video... I definitely had... But the sound was so loud, it was useless.

Oh, right. Because it was my shitty iPhone video, you know? It's like six years ago, too. Six years ago, iPhone 3. Also, you can't replicate that kind of sound into an iPhone when you're there at the thing. It was just noise. You couldn't even understand what the fuck it was saying. But my point being, that guy was awesome.

He went for it more than you could ever have hoped. Like, he just fucking cranked it out. Yeah. It was amazing. And it made me want to go home. I can go do better. Go write some jokes. Go next time be better on stage. Dude. I can go do better. Go write some jokes. Go next time be better on stage.

Dude, you can go both ways. I saw Smashing Pumpkins at Rock in the Range one year. Yeah. Garbage. Garbage? I mean, terrible. It's just Billy Corgan, and then he gets a fucking Asian bass player and a fucking female blonde, whatever the fuck she plays. Isn't he like a serious republican now

yeah he might even be like a i'm just making things up now i think he's switching a little christian changes some of the lyrics of his song god is empty just like you whoa yeah is that what he says yeah now he plays his old songs on double time it's just fucking awful then you see him go for it and you're like oh right yeah yeah he tries to get rid of him smashing pumpkins billy corgan praises trump he's up the political class well that's you know i've probably said that too sort of true yeah i mean he's definitely doing that slam social justice warriors if that was a video of an actual body slam

social justice warriors if that was a video of an actual body slam watch philly corn gorgon going for it yeah i don't know i don't why did i feel like he's conservative he went south he might be i think he got christian did he i think so come on i think that's why he changed those lyrics well i heard that before he was dating courtney love before she put out that that banging album. That one really good album, right? No. No, the one really good one was Kurt Cobain. And then the other one.

He got a hold of her. And then Gavin Rossdale got a hold of her, too. So they did three total. They all banged her? You think? Well, yeah. You think so? Think they get that?

Gavin did? What? You sure? No. Am I wrong? Could be. He was married to Gwen Stefani. Yeah, but before that.

I don't know. Why don't you Google it? What do you mean? You're the one. Oh, you're questioning him? He was married to Gwen Stefani. Yeah, but before that. I don't know. Why don't you Google it? What do you mean? You're the one. Oh, you're questioning him? I've literally never heard that. Gavin Rossdale. I might be dead wrong.

It might just be Billy Corgan. Gavin Rossdale. That does sound wrong now that I think about it. Well, she definitely was banging Ed Norton before he was the Hulk. Really? Yeah, she was banging Ed Norton, allegedly. Dude, she was such a fun wreck. Just throwing around thrift stores in Philadelphia.

When she was at her height, she was such a wreck. She was crazy. You see that documentary that thinks that she had Kurt Cobain killed? With the recreations. We were talking about it yesterday. I was like, I can't trust a movie with recreations. You weren't there. You don't know what was said.

And you're just reproducing it. What possibly could have happened was, he went over to her. She said, do it, Kurt. Do it. Oh, you weren't there. You don't know what was said and you're just reproducing it. What possibly could have happened was he went over to her. She said, do it, Kurt. Do it. Oh, you can't do it? I'll do it for you.

Ooh. Yeah. She claimed on an interview on Howard Stern that she had an affair with him. With Gavrasio? Yeah. That's enough for Lakeland.

I'm at least not wrong. He won. Ari wins. You're wrong twice, Jamie. How dare you? I don't think he helped her with that album, though. How dare you?

That was probably Billy Corgan. How dare you? I don't think he helped her with that album, though. How dare you? That was probably Billy Corgan. How about you Google things first before you accuse Ari of being wrong? You son of a bitch. I saw him, that same rock on the range. He was great. Gavin? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

With Bush. Went and played Hey Jude into the crowd and went and went around. Dude, you just have to like what you're doing. Right. And you'll win everybody over. Just be into it. Eventually, right? Just get really into the stuff you make if it's good.

Some rockers, after a while, they just get beaten down by the pressure and fans and negativity and all that jazz. And then the intoxicating sound of the true lovers of your work. They pull you in. They just lavish you with praise and get your face tattooed on their ass. Next thing you know, you start producing good stuff. It can happen to anybody.

Yeah. And it wasn't like Pearl Jam was bad. They were just good. Yeah. And I was positive. I told Big J, who ended up not coming, I was like, I guarantee you, a band that's like that for 25 years,

they're going to kill it. But uh-oh. Apparently, the Stones still kill it. The Stones do? Apparently, Mick Jagger is still a bad motherfucker, and he works out every day. He does yoga and lifts weights and does all kinds of crazy shit to keep his body in shape so he can fucking bang it out for an hour and a half show or two hour show. McCartney runs around the whole time.

Really? The guy from Iron Maiden runs around the whole time wow yeah i guess mccartney's older let me see if there's a video of uh of mick jagger a recent video of mick jagger on stage it's just the opposite he looks like princess bunny could be worse than oj's glove glove yeah maybe but I would get a figure he's how old is Mick Jagger 65 I'd say that 67 67 only 65 one day for the right win I might go with 70 oh really yeah what about 72 yeah now check this there's a video of them at uh last year in concert yeah now check this out when you watch him i'm telling you man for a guy who's oh wow dude my grandpa he looks like that that gay uh phase that he went through with uh what's his name that just died that's these i just guess he's always looked like david boy yeah yeah he's always looked like trans he

never got fat i mean he stayed skinny all these years. But that's amazing. Yeah, still running around. Yeah, and he's got a lot of energy. He's got a camel toe. Jesus, that bulge. What a fucking... He did not give a fuck.

He didn't give a fuck. Well, he's still Mick Jagger, you know? That's the amazing thing about a rock star. Rock stars, they're the same guy. It's Mick Jagger at 72. He's shuffling? Yeah. He he's doing everything he's strutting but here's the thing he's moving loose and relaxed he's not moving like a 70 year old guy he's got a lot of energy well apparently he's just a fanatic about working out works out every day this is according to brian callen though he could might have made that up you never know when people say he works out every day that's also an

exaggeration for he works out like four times a week yeah i don't think working out every day is smart yeah right doesn't no one do that why a lot of people definitely do i just don't think it's the move i think your body responds better when you give it little breaks. Yeah, right? Rebuild one day? So I've heard. But I think what is also important is you build up a certain level, like with a Mick Jagger, and then you maintain that. That's very critical that you maintain that level. Because once you dip, like you just...

You can't get it back. It's hard. It's super hard to get it back. You're fucking 72, man. Come on, son. Yeah. You know? Also, your bones start to break and they don't heal right.

This guy on the podcast earlier, Shane Dorian, big wave surfer, great guy, really interesting dude, really fun. But he was talking about hurting his back. He's 43. He took five months off of working out because he was busy traveling and then tried to go back in with a light workout. Just a light workout. Five months off.

Fucked his back up Wow Yeah it happens man Get old as fuck You gotta maintain Remember that Married with Children Where Peggy got a

Personal trainer No Did she fuck him No she made him eat bonbons Until he died Oh What does it say here It says it's supposedly

His workout routine he does He trains five to six days a week With his workouts emphasized Stamina and balance. Leading up to a tour, Mick Jagger runs eight miles a day, including sprints. What? He also swims, kickboxes, and cycles. This would explain his ability to sing and move continuously during a concert without sounding short of breath.

Wow. He does some resistant training to maintain his balance and his posture. He takes ballet lessons. What? And performs yoga and Pilates. On stage, I did not witness any hesitancy in his movements, and he still moves with a certain amount of fluidity, grace, and efficiency.

He's been known to cover 12 miles on stage while he's dancing and strutting. Wow. Throwing a concert. No one's measuring that. They're guessing. Yeah. Assholes. Somebody's, like, doing the replay on. Wow. They're at a concert. No one's measuring that. They're guessing. Yeah. Assholes.

Somebody's like doing the replay on the map. 12 miles. Fuck you. How about fuck you? Wait a minute. That's horse shit. It takes three hours to run a fucking marathon. Okay?

That's what it says on here. It says at that pace, he'd be able to do a marathon in just under four hours, if calculated correctly. That's not true. Yeah, that's not true. He's stopping a lot of it.

He's not moving at all. That's total horse shit. How dare you not true. He's stopping a lot of it. Yeah, stopping a lot. He's not moving at all. That's total horseshit. How dare you? Four-hour concert? Maybe four-hour concert? They don't put on four-hour concerts, do they? It's not 12 miles, though. Get out of here. There's no way. Oh, yeah, two hours, three-hour concert.

They got greedy. They got greedy. They went too far. They said, like, four miles. Four or five miles. What a gangster. This thing even says, I find this hard to believe, though for a two-hour concert, it means he's moving at least six miles an hour when he clearly doesn't run the entire show. Yeah. It just proves it right there. So someone, is it just a meme or something?

He must have just put it up to add it. I don't know. It just says he's been known to run that far. So we don't know about all the rest of that stuff either. That could be horse shit too, right? Could all be horseshit remember that bigfoot documentary we saw but then it showed like intentionally stuff that was disproven and you were like fuck this then none of it yeah all of it well all those things man

oh yeah also bigfoot all that shit bigfoot ufos all that stuff oh yeah that was like a lot of different um conspiracies right yeah they're not conspiracies whatever legends legends well i went to loch ness did you yeah they think they know what that is they think that's a big ass fish like a sturgeon really yeah that's what they think like the legend got exaggerated as people left yeah there's a bunch of different explanations some people think it might be some sort of a giant landlocked catfish. Some people think it might be something else. It's a giant lake. Yeah. I mean, it's not like. Right.

I mean, it's like a great lake. Yeah. It's just massive. And there's big boats on it, you know? Yeah. Like ships. You know that show River Monsters? Have you seen that show?

Mm-mm. It's that guy. He's this English dude. Travels all over the world and catches fish. Like crazy fucking giant piranhas and lion fish fish with giant ass fucking crazy teeth yeah look at that whoa yeah if you saw that yeah i forget what he where he caught that thing i believe it was in the congo do you remember this stuff in maryland where somebody brought it back from china it was that there's a snake fish and it could come out

of ponds go on land for a while to find another pond so like all the waters around it were contaminated that's a gar wow um but yeah so jeremy wade is his name anyway um there was a an animal in lake champlain and they would call it champ like it's like some sort of another kind of dinosaur thing but they found sturgeon in that lake and so they're pretty sure that they get really big like that enormous sturgeon get they look like a goddamn submarine they're huge and so they're pretty sure that they get really big like that enormous sturgeon get they look like a goddamn submarine they're huge and so they had a video of a sturgeon swimming through the water that they took like from like a drone or a helicopter or something from above it and it looks like a goddamn monster really yeah when you see a sturgeon from above that's the white sturgeons is this it? Massive White Sturgeons. Da-da-da-da-da-da.

Never reach in the air. Yeah. So he... What's his name? I don't remember. It's in what it said. Moody Blues? Was it?

Yeah, it seems like it. Maybe. Yeah, it's probably Moody Blues. Let's see this thing. Yeah, it's definitely Moody Blues. Were they good in Moody Blues? Fuck yeah. I never was into them.

Look at the size of this. Whoa, God. Goddamn dinosaur he got. Wait, let's see it in scale see it looks like a dinosaur oh it's huge dude and by the way that's not even like the biggest one ever caught they catch the size of a man yeah oh way bigger how big are halibut this crazy fuck he jumped in the water look oh my god that way you get a perspective wow how big is that 12 feet long it was the size of him yeah so if it was dark out and you saw it in the water and you were in a boat you would shit your pants and say there's a monster in that water so that thing if that thing exists and he caught that it's super possible there could be something

that's super similar to that that's in there could be somebody overhearing you in a bar like dude i'm telling you this thing was massive it was a monster And then you went to the bathroom and you just spread that It could be But it definitely could be you see something like that What's the most recent explanation Look at the size of this sturgeon Damn that's the size of a person How big are halibut are they that size

Huge big ones are hundreds of pounds Bigger than people I think a world record halibut is like 300 pounds or something crazy. I've seen people catch 100 pound ones on TV. And they have to pull it into the boat. And it's just like, what? What the fuck? You caught a table.

It's like, look at that one. That's a halibut. God, that is insane. It may be the biggest Pacific halibut ever caught. Back up to the one that was at that one. That's a halibut. God, that is insane. It may be the biggest Pacific halibut ever caught. Back up to the one that was the biggest one, that one that... Wow. Yeah, go to the, visit the page. See what the fuck it says.

Look at the size of that thing. God damn. We're looking at this thing. That's like three people. Yeah, it's in Seattle. They caught that fucker. Eight foot, two inch. Oh my God.

It was estimated at what? 533 pounds for a fucking halibut. Dude, we'd eat like kings. Those are things you have to fish for like two hours, right? You have to keep them on the line and keep wearing them down. Oh, yeah. Wearing them down. It's one of those.

Yeah, they take forever. I never caught anything that big, but I caught a marlin once. Really? Yeah. Not a big one either. It was like a 70 pound one. That was a fun fishing trip when we went up there. Fuck yeah.

That was a great time. Yeah. The time before, it was like five, six years before that or ten years before or something i don't know whatever um we went salmon fishing then we went how about fishing but the water was too choppy because of the wind so we couldn't sink the line all the way to the bottom we just gave up and went in yeah halibut is the best tasting though in my opinion yeah when you bake halibut with like some butter and a little bit of garlic i I like the river and lake fishes. Well, they don't taste as good.

Oh, really? Sometimes. I mean, I think the fish that are in the ocean are more hardy, and I think they're more durable, too. They don't get nasty as quick. It seems like this doesn't make any sense, but this is what I'm saying. it seems like this doesn't make any sense but this is what i'm saying like the the difference in the taste yeah between catching them and cooking them like on the shore like a trout or something like that versus a tuna well you could yeah you know you could cook it like a couple hours later and it'll still be all right well i heard that's what i heard about those like rainbow

trout and stuff like that little lake stuff it's like they're better fresher like right away like kill it eat it right now rainbow trout tastes really good if you cook it right on the shore. Right on the shore. You catch it and then you cook it right on the shore. Hey, get that pan started. Yeah. I'm about to kill this motherfucker. Mmm.

Get that hot grease going. You know how the best way to cook them too? How? Bacon grease. Mmm. Yeah. A little bit of corn flour. Just a little bit.

Just gently. Or flour. You know, just gently. Get some aperitif of bacon. Put it on the pan. God damn. Bacon grease. Woo boy. Fry it up real quick flip that bitch get some lemon on that motherfucker

are you doing it all like in a cast iron frying pan overlooking a river yeah feeling like some sort of a pioneer some sort of a dude that'd be fun as fuck fuck yeah we gotta do another fishing trip, dude. Yeah. I'm almost done with this hour. Then I'll be way more free. Yeah, man. I'm free now. I don't have a joke in my head.

Nice. I'm free. Nice. It's beautiful. But like, we should go somewhere like Saskatchewan and catch northern pike. You ever seen those things? No. The really pointy ones?

They're like a monster. It's like a fucking dinosaur fish. Yeah, those would be cool. That'd be fucking dinosaur those are cool that'd be cool they taste good if you go out of the way enough yeah we could find nobody around us well when i was in uh killing that deet all over us and just fucking enjoy ourselves you know what else too you get one of those thermocels you ever seen a thermocel look at that that's a northern pike oh nicey nice yeah they have big ass teeth man hey would you ever do that catfish hunting where you just shove your fist down and pull one up no i like my fingers dude those guys fuck up sometimes and get a snapping look at that one eating a frog oh jesus these are big ass it's killing a frog these are big fish wow there's a certain type that they call a musca lunge it's

not a uh it's not a regular northern pike. It's called a muskie. And they're much smarter and much larger. And they eat ducks. Well, why don't you check out a picture. That's about to eat that frog in the face. Fuck that frog's face. Dude, good nature photography is amazing.

That is amazing. They sacrificed that frog. He's got his mouth wide open. Why didn't they save him from that beast? He forgot frogs just frozen. Go full screen on that. Look at his teeth, dude. Now imagine if that was as big as a cow

flying through the air. His mouth opening up right above you. That was going to get you. That frog is done. Look how big his mouth is in comparison to his body too oh that frog is that his little reptile brain can't fuck with the mammal brain wait what's the tongue thing especially flying mammals yeah boy if there were flying mammals back in the day

thank god our ancestors wiped all those fuckheads off that would be an unfair advantage oh yeah but they let only things live that we could kill with our hands yeah or that wouldn't kill us yeah like an eagle might be able to kill you but i like my chances yeah it ain't bothering anybody though but they might they'll fly off with a baby remember that fake baby video yeah that looks so good so good i think those guys got work off that. They're like, yes, it's fake. We faked it. Now please hire us to do fun shit like this. Oh, honestly, I think it was a contest.

Oh, really? Pretty sure. Oh, yeah. I think. That might be right. Yeah. It looks so good. The shadowing.

Logan Eagle snatches kid. And it's shot so well. First, they're just filming the bait. They're filming the eagle. Nothing happening. He's diving. He's diving. What's?

And he swoops down, grabs the kid, and and flies off and the guy chases after him and they even went to the ground with the camera that's so good oh my god joe perry made a fake bigfoot video really yeah joe perry from aerosmith really yeah let's see if he i don't know if he put it up. See if you find Joe Perry's Bigfoot video. They found one? Put a dude in a ghillie suit and had him wander around through the woods and they filmed it. Was he claiming it was real? No. Joe Perry's an interesting guy, man.

This tape that we took got lost for about a week with all the hubbub of traveling and stuff. And then we found it, and this is what we saw. And this is what happened. He's so Boston. Check it out. Just think of it what you think, you know. I'm still blown away by it. But it was a pretty scary afternoon, like I said.

All right, go to the to the Oh here it is He set that up so good So ridiculous Like as if someone would be filming him Just sitting there in the sun In a field with nothing around him And he's got like a little cookout going on Oh he set it up so good

But I just love the fact they're filming for no fucking reason Just filming a guy on his phone Got like a little cookout going on. Oh, he set it up so good. But I just love the fact they're filming for no fucking reason. He's filming a guy on his phone. Yeah, no big deal. Just happened to be filming. Look, I'm moving around a little so you know it's real. I skipped ahead this long video. Yeah.

What is that? What is that? Yeah. Did you hear that? Nope. I didn't hear anything. Yeah. I think it was just Mark.

See if you can find it. If you can find it. We can't see it. All right, go to the spoiler. We know we did it too long for sure. So let's... We already know what the setup is. Is it going to be up here behind him? I don't know.

Come on, be right here. Be right here. For sure put your shirt on, dude. No, the sun's out. Oh, that sound, it growls. He had a growl. Okay, they're in the woods. Hmm. I'm sure they're not. Hmm. Oh shit, it's here! It's here! Run! Run!

Run, John! That was the worst acting of all time. Run! Run! What is it? Come out of the road. Fuck this. Oh my God, this is so ridiculous. It was big and it was black and it was fucking hairy. After all that bullshit about Sasquatch and all that shit.

That's so dumb. That's so dumb. All that bullshit about Sasquatch and all that shit. That's so dumb. That's so dumb. All that bullshit about Sasquatch and all that shit. Go, go, go. That's what it felt like in 1997. He made a Blair Witch Bigfoot movie on his tour bus.

How bored is he? I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. Boston people add extra R's that aren't necessary and remove other ones. I saw it.

You know why? Why? Because they don't have to say the word garbage. Because that's what they are. Ooh, how dare you. But when you perform there, you enjoy them, though, no? They're all right, but the ones that aren't garbage, most of them are garbage. Come on, dude.

Boston people. How rude. This is a really dumb video and you can take it down. Enough is enough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't have to watch the rest of that.

It's so unnecessary. They get bored, man. That was just done for their friends. I wasn't really trying to... Put it online. It's on YouTube. Jamie just found it.

He's trying to get a viral video going on. Jamie made it. Jamie's like, dude from Aerosmith, it's not the main guy. He's trying to get a viral video going on. Jamie made it. Jamie's like, dude from Aerosmith, it's not the main guy. Can I talk to you about a viral video opportunity? Bobcat Goldthwait bleeds in Bigfoot. Really? Yeah, we discussed this on the podcast yesterday.

He made a movie, a horror movie. It's a good movie. Really? It's a good movie. Yeah, it's fun. It's like a Blair Witch type. I saw him at an Apple store getting my phone fixed back when I had one. And he was just giving a talk there about the movie.

Just randomly. Oh, he must have edited it on iMovie or something. I don't know. They just had him as like final cut. Probably, right? I was going to ask when he said he was coming out. Ha. Is he supposed to do it?

He was a director. If anybody did it, he'd do it. So they did put it together? No. Oh. He was director of one. Yeah. Yeah. The Willow Creek He was director of one. Yeah. Yeah.

The Willow Creek movie. Willow Creek. Yeah. It's really good, man. I saw a scene from it. It looked good. You saw it? Yeah, I saw it.

That's cool. Yeah. I was like, wow. You made a fucking horror movie, man. He just became a full director like years and years ago, right? Decades? Well, he's just a very smart dude. And he could kind of do anything he wants.

My mom is not a dude fuck bro why don't you concentrate on the smart part um he's um you know he can do whatever he wants he just has to set his mind to it then he just does it it's like it's not shocking to me that he does a horror movie you know he could kind of do any kind of movie did you see uh call me lucky no it's a documentary that he did about barry crimmins oh yeah i heard about it yeah really um influential boston stand-up comedian like one of the most important guys in the early days of boston and was brutally molested when he was a kid by his babysitter's boyfriend like fucked in the ass like well she like watched the door like that kind of shit like really bad yeah and his sister saved his life she came down and he's unconscious like he would

he would shove his head in the couch so he couldn't breathe like he couldn't scream and the guy would fuck him and he would like literally black out from getting fucked with his face and it's a horrific horrific documentary but really well done and really fascinating and really open and the way barry cremmons talks about like getting over it and you know and and then all the people that love barry and talk about what a massive influence he had on stand-up in boston during the early days of boston and then a lot of people that he knew like all his life did not know about this story. And he wanted to kind of put it out in this documentary form,

and it's so well done. I can't recommend it enough. It's called Call Me Lucky. Bobcat is a bad motherfucker. He really is. He could, you know. He's nice. He could do whatever he wants.

And he's a good dude, too. He really is a good dude. And he's a UFC fan. Do you know the Blackhearts thing? What's that? The Blackhearts. Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and Lita Ford. Had their managers line them up.

Said, it's time for you guys to become a woman. I mean, just said, bend over. Every one of you. Just fucking. What? Yeah. Where'd you hear this? Their manager.

Come on. Big J, I guess. Could be not true. But he's into that kind of music. Wait a minute so when they were 14 what their manager fucked them all when they were the runaways come on time for you got ladies become women something like that really yeah i think it was in some like one of those documentaries lita ford or one of them was talking about it i know well you know what

it's shocking yeah but i know i wouldn't say i'm surprised there's a real piece of shit manager they had and just but would you be surprised that like some crazy showbiz manager would fuck his clients oh yeah and keep them as clients too for sure right the right guy the right crazy guy 100 right and it wasn't like they had a lot of leverage when they were just signing with somebody they hadn't done anything they couldn't do shit We're gonna go to TMZ. We're gonna go. Yeah, they just sucked it up. It's nowhere to go Look what's happening with that? What is that that singer girl's name who wants to get out of her contract Kesha Kesha Kesha Kesha look at her I mean who knows what the truth is behind that story or what's really going on But it's kind of a similar thing like her, her producer was having sex with her, apparently,

and she said he raped her. Isn't that what she said? Like, isn't that what the accusation is? Yeah. But meanwhile, she's tied into a contract with this dude, so she can't make music unless she makes it with him? Yeah. That's crazy.

Like, that's crazy if it's true. Yeah. The judge was in a tough spot on that one. What do you do there? Because he's like, okay, you have a contract. If nothing happens, then you have to honor your contract. Right. And there's no proof of this.

If it's true, that's horrible. But either way, there's no proof of it. So we can't just go on you saying, alleging this, because then everyone would just say, well, rape, out of my contract, please. Right. So he's like, unless I have a proof of something, there's nothing I can do by contract law. Yeah, that's a pretty heinous crime. Yeah, for sure. I mean, he's denying it too.

Yeah, he's definitely denying it. But it's one of those really heinous crimes where you got to go, how do you find out who the fuck told the truth? It's such a hard crime to prove. Well, especially when i get way upset about it because it's like so hard to prove it well that's it also sets it up for like this thing where you're never supposed to question a victim yeah well that you can't say never right like you definitely shouldn't automatically question the victim yeah but if something seems goofy you should not question the victim like people lie

i know people that have had false rape accusations i know them right now i was going through it in new york and everybody in his level is like we know she's crazy and that's not it's just not a thing dude it can happen they're telling her like stop saying this you know it wasn't it can happen just like there can be crazy men. There can be crazy women. There's just crazy people. There's people that will absolutely fucking make up a story. Yeah. And the thing is, if you don't know about it, or if you're like, well, how dare you?

You're not going to believe. It's like, yeah, I guess. So it becomes one of those things where it's like the person who is accused of doing it is also being victimized. So we're supposed to ignore that victim and concentrate on the physical victim. The problem is we're based on this idea that better a thousand guilty men go free than one innocent man go to prison. Yeah. Remember that? Right.

People don't really like to apply that to rape. No. No. Well, it's one of those weird ones that you can't look at it objectively Yeah, you know these internet maiming mobs they do now that isn't internet mobs, you know justice That's in response to women not finding justice to the legal system, right? So they're like well, let's just fucking ruin his life Let's call his mom. Let's do these things and get really fuck up his life. Well, we know that's true too, right? We know I

Mean we know that people have done horrible shit and gotten away with it. Yeah. So then it's like, well, let's, you know. And there might be an occasional innocent man or North Carolina lacrosse team, Duke lacrosse team. Is there a... I know the rape is bad.

I'm not bringing that up. What? You have to say that? On her side about, like, you signed a bad contract. Sorry. Like, you should maybe, like, at the beginning of it, you shouldn't have been into that. No, but I don't think the contract has anything to do with her getting raped. It doesn't have to do with that.

That's why she's suing him is because she can't supposedly make music because of the contract she has with that guy. That's why her career is supposedly ruined right now. Yeah, well, the record industry has a long history of that, just burying people. Yeah, but hold on. We already kind of covered this. She can't leave and make music because he has her under contract even though she says he raped her. Yeah. Right.

But I thought she, well, in my interpretation, I thought she was saying that she was raped in order to probably get out of this contract, to break the contract. She was raped to break the contract. She's saying she was raped in order to get away from this guy who has her under contract. That would be the accusation.

I'm just saying not that you shouldn't be bringing up the rape, but if she's making it up, this would be a good thing to make up to get you out of a contract. I'm sort of saying that. Honestly, if you had an 8-8 contract in the UFC, and then some other company offered you $50,000 a fight,

but you had a six-fight contract, you'd be like, So you're going to pretend you got raped? I mean, it would work. That's why. I just don't know. What do you say to get out of your contract? You would make the public go,

how dare you not let him go? I don't know what it is you would say to get out of your contract, but you'd have to make up something to get out of it. Not that I'm saying she did. No, that's what his side is saying. It's like she's making this up

to get out of a shitty contract. I'm asking, sorry. Okay. Redband asking, sorry. Red band, other house. I didn't mean it that way. It's such an electric subject. You say one word wrong. It's entirely possible that either one of them

could not be telling the truth. You're right. We don't know. I don't know her. I've never even heard her voice. I've never heard her talk. I don't know anything about her. So all I'm seeing is that she went to court and tried to get free, and they wouldn't let her free. And the guy's still wandering around, so they're not prosecuting him for any sort of sexual offense, right? As far as I've read, yeah. When you sign a contract, you sign one, right?

Or no? Yeah, that's what we say. Yeah, I mean, he's obviously got some sort of a contract with her. And that's, but see, here's another thing. If I had a contract with someone and they falsely accused me of rape, I think I'd fucking let them go. Yeah, but I don't want you anymore. I wouldn't want to be tied into a contract with them. Right.

But if the idea of, if in any way, shape, or form, she's telling the truth of forcing her to work with somebody. It's horrible. Yeah. Yeah. See. But that's not what the judge was doing. The judge was just ruling on the contract law. Contracts are fucking weird, man.

Like, think of it as a comic. Think of, like, you as a comic. Like, what if you had a contract to do your stand-up? And, like, you had some guy. You've got to do six months in front was like a producer That made you go on the road and you had a pact with him and he made you do his jokes And he would he would help you write your act and you couldn't do comedy without him That's I would just stop doing comedy, but that's crazy That in the music business happens all the time. That was the Prince thing. That's why Gerard turned down a new girl

What's that mean? Gerard Carmichael? What's new girl he was that show new girl with uh whatever his name is zoe de chanel i don't know who that is it's like it's been on fox you're acting like i don't you're not giving me enough information there's a show there's a tv show on fox there's a tv show sitcom on fox it's been on for like seven or eight years it's got zoe de chanel in it or one of the de chanel twins and what did they try to do with Gerard? He tested for it. Right. And then they really liked him, and then he just disappeared, because he saw a seven-year contract, and he was like, I don't want to get locked into this thing for seven years

to some sitcom. Now he has his own sitcom. Seven-year contract. Yeah, he balked at it. He disappeared. He hung out in a Starbucks. Good for him. Yeah, and he was sleeping on couches at the time.

He's got balls. He didn't have a place to live. Smart dude. And he was like, meh. Seven years. Yeah, and he was sleeping on couches at the time. He's got balls. He didn't have a place to live. Smart dude. Seven years. Yeah, he wanted his own show. A long ass fucking time, folks. Yeah. Seven years.

And what if the direction of the show becomes more corny? Oh yeah, for sure. So now there's nothing you can do. If you walk away, you'll never work here again. What? Doing bad sitcoms is a horrible feeling. It's horrible. I was on that Fox show that was terrible hardball yeah it

was terrible there was some some some episodes where it was just unbelievably and what you feel like you're supposed to have to do it or something like feel like a whore you feel like uh you feel like you know you just feel gross when you say these lines because you know they're bad yeah and you know that the show is bad and you know that this is uh the exact opposite of the way you feel when you're doing stand-up at a club something good well when you're doing stand-up at a club if you're doing your best and it doesn't work out at least you know you could fix it and you could figure out how to make it funny again when you're doing these shows and it's bad they tell you it's good and they make you keep going.

And so you're doing this. Yeah. And they'll put a billboard up there and they'll show you where they've raised in the ratings, but you know it's terrible. So who cares? I had to work with kids. I worked with this kid who was on the set and she had. They're not funny. No, she was fine.

My point was. Yeah, I'm sure she was a barrel of laughs. She was a nice kid. Fuck her. She was a nice boy, too. She was a nice young fella and a nice young girl that were on the show one point in time they were very fine uh fine folks but my point being they were really young yeah like they had tutors and shit and they could only

work a certain hour amount of hours in the day would you expose your child to that well i had a conversation with one of them about yeah yeah and i was just trying to figure out like what what's the idea behind it and they you know they were kind of saying gotta strike while the iron is hot and when it's uh you know you have an opportunity right now to secure a lot of money and okay that's for their hollywood career okay but like them as children as human beings yeah who that's just some another of 50 industries you can work in yeah why. Why are you fucking up? Like, okay, chances are you'll barely ever book anything,

and you'll just get filled with this, like, mommy's not proud of me. She keeps taking me to things I don't book. And by the way, if you book two out of 50 things, that's still a really high percentage, which is you're getting rejected 48 times. That's an amazing percentage. Most people don't get two things. So constant rejection.

Yeah. And then if you get it, like finally I get their love. Ugh. And then what if you book everything? What if you nail stuff? What's the best case scenario that way? What is the best case scenario? Overdose at 24.

If you're lucky. Yeah. You get super disaster, everybody loves you, River Phoenix. They're all whack. They're crazy. Except like Jodie Foster. She seems to be okay. She seems like she pulled her toy out of it. She's the outlier of outliers. Everybody else is except crazy. She seems to be okay. She seems like she pulled her out of the outlier

outliers Everybody else is fucking crazy They're all whacked up on fucking never get to the truth never And you don't grow up your your grow-up period is supposed to be this struggle you never get that struggle You don't have to win over friends. Everybody loves you everywhere you go. They know who you are and they love you Oh, thank fucking bananas. Yeah, that doesn't make any sense You don't have to win over friends? Everybody loves you everywhere you go. They know who you are and they love you. It's fucking bananas. That doesn't make any sense.

And you're going to expose your kid to that. That's a best case scenario is that thing. Dude, I know several child stars. You should use robots or midgets. It shouldn't be legal. You know several child stars? Yeah, several. Oh, yeah.

I know a couple of them. I know several of them. They're not quite right. Oh, they can't be. They're also actors, so that's part know several of them. They're not quite right. Oh, they can't be. They're also actors, so that's part of it, too. They're still in it. They're garbage because of that. Yeah, I think there's just something weird about developing your personality and your body going through puberty and all that shit while you're famous.

Yeah. That sounds crazy yeah it's not good for you can't be can't be where's the what's like what's important for everybody like what's important like for a guy like you or a guy like joey or duncan or anybody that i know that's interesting yeah there was a lot of like stress in the early years yeah there was a lot of struggle you know overcame it. You went over friends. You went over fans and friends and just learned how to cope with no money. Just build character.

That's what it's built. Yeah. Kill the characters, right? Also, there's a certain amount of appreciation for whatever success you do attain because you're always going to remember being poor and fucked up and sad. If you were a waitress for a while, you would enjoy being a movie star a lot more than just some child star who became. Fuck yeah.

I mean, not saying that the child star can't form some sort of an understanding. Not saying that it's not possible. The odds go against you. The odds are strongly against you. My friend saw somebody at one of those award shows. He just got into one of those award shows. He said one of those American Pie ladies,

you know, like Tara Reid or something like that. Somebody pulled up in a Honda, you know, some valet. And she goes, who brought a Honda? I think it was like the lowest thing she could think of. One of the American Pie girls said that? Yeah. Wow.

And it's just like, all right, you guys are never going to relate to actual people. That's so weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had some lady mock me once because I had an Acura NSX. Really? She just mocked me in front of a restaurant for having a fake Ferrari.

That was too low a car. Yeah. $90,000 car. It's a fucking great car. To this day, I still wish I had it. I should have never got rid of it. I remember that car. You had that?

Oh, it was fucking beautiful. It's a Honda. Did you bring these toys into the store. And you're like, hey guys. Take a look at this. I'm personally going to play the sound system loud enough they'll hear it in the showroom. And then show you the fucking bootleg video machine I have.

You can watch full Bruce Lee videos while you're driving. Oh, that was the Infinity. Yeah. You could watch Game of Death as you were driving. I'm like, wait, is that legal? You're like, what? No. You have a switch. a special switch i could hit flipped over like cannonball run license plates from everybody that's what you do when you get that fear factor money yeah you would come with that and marijuana lemonade before there were dispensaries remember that it's like what

what is this well i was ahead of the curve when it came to marijuana drinkables. I used to buy bottles of this marijuana wine. It was like a soda. We call it marijuana wine, but it was like a soda that contained weed in it. Come on. And it was fucking preposterously strong. Really? Oh, my God.

It tastes pretty good. It tasted pretty good. So you drink a whole glass of it and you just go on a spiral ride a tornado of emotions just turns you through the air takes you to another place drinkable yeah oh my god it's so brutal it was so powerful and no one had tolerance for it back then oh not only that we didn't understand that it was a different drug yet. It was five years before the banana bread. Yeah, nobody understood.

Even to this day, most people don't understand. How much it's different. Yeah, when you smoke it, you get the THC. But when you eat it, it becomes a totally different psychoactive substance. How much do you take? I don't know, one brownie. Like, no, no, that's not an amount. If you need a dosage, that can be so varied.

Because those barbarians that live on the east coast they don't have fucking regulation it's like saying one pill like what milligram yeah you can't dude have you seen this no oh the tincture no it's a breath spray breath spray oh yeah this one this one has in this this is the uh this is the 175 this is very light 175 milligrams yeah and how many sprays is it? That's not light at all. Here's the problem. This is 175. This is 1,000. Oh, the whole bottle. The whole bottle. Oh. 1,000!

That's not a very good in-between. Dude, all you have to do is pop that cap, right? Squeeze that, twist it, throw that bitch down. Tastes good. It'll take a second. 1,000 milligrams. And you're gone. You'll barf on that if you don't have a tolerance. Even if you're Joey Diaz, you're gone. I think that Joey, no.

He takes a thousand. That's not true. Because he eats those stars of death. I've seen Lee take 950. I've seen Joey eat two of those stars of death. And what are those stars of death? 250 each. Okay, so that's 500.

That's close. Dude, he gave me one of my taping. It does not have any taping this year. And I was like, I can't, Joey. I ate a corner and it got me. You know sometimes small ones still get you? I was okay for my story and halfway through. And then I was like I can't Joey I ate a corner and it got me You know sometimes small ones like still get you I was okay for my story and halfway through And then I was like fuck

Do you remember one of those Los Hermanos Los Gummis Hermanos Yeah Los Gummis Hermanos Those gummy bears are fucking insane They should be illegal Dude those guys come to the punchline and stuff Like you wanna smoke sure And then you just see a fire going

You just carry torches as your regular. That's your, like, car pipe. Full torch. Giant torch. I ate four before the UFC the other day. You ate four? You ate a thousand? Jamie apparently doesn't feel it.

Yeah, it doesn't affect me that way. You're too thin. Thin people. I don't know. No. Here's my theory, because I've heard this a lot. A lot of times it's people with really low fat. It binds to fat. If they don't have anything here's my theory because I've heard this a lot a lot of times is people with really low fat it binds To fat if they don't have anything for it to bind on no

No, that's with the people. I've seen lower fat than me though probably yeah He's meaty. Yeah, that's muscle not fat this fat in there though come on son shredded How dare you I? Don't know Alright good point I'm lighter than I've ever been How much do you weigh? 190

I'm lighter than I've been in a long time Which means I have lower body fat And I'm so much fatter than you Cause I'm like a chimpanzee I'm short and fucked up looking What is fucking muscle filled with helium? It's just thick It's just all bones and muscle you

know but my point being i get blasted yeah like when i eat i get it has nothing to do with body fat it doesn't change with me back but smoking fatty i don't know i don't know i don't have much fatty foods the people i've seen that happen to that doesn't it doesn't hit them it's always real thin real small people yeah but when you're talking about like fatty foods people think of fatty foods like things that make you fat yeah or fat itself i eat more fat yeah but it doesn't make you fat right right right your body starts burning that fat do you take it i know sometimes when you eat a slice of pizza after you get high it kicks it up again really yeah for sure do they say like mangoes say orange people used to we used to drink orange juice a lot.

That was for acid mushrooms. Same thought, I guess, but I don't know if that's true. I thought it was, God, I want to say mangoes. Like, someone said that mangoes enhance your high. Get Joey Diaz on the phone. I've heard that with mangoes. I've heard that with mangoes. Go to Jamaica.

Call it, you're on. People are those fucking coconuts. You're on with 1-900-JRE. It's 100% true. Mangoes increase the effects of consuming marijuana. There you go. Coconut's. You're on with 1-900-JRE. It's 100% true. What are they? Mangoes increase the effects of consuming marijuana. There you go. Sort of smoking more.

Leave your fruit at home, you pussy. Ari wants candy and more pot. Fuck off, punks. I got to slow down. Do you? Yeah, for sure. Dean Del Rey got the diabetes. What? Got the candy diabetes. What? Yeah, for sure. Dean Del Rey got the diabetes. What?

Got the candy diabetes. What? Yeah, he's reversed it already, but he told his doctors lethargic and whatever. He goes, oh, yeah, man, I think I know what that is. And he said he got it not from candy. He eats a lot of candy, but from those tortilla shells and shit like that. Whoa. That turn to fat, pizza, stuff that turns to sugar in your body.

So he's just eating way too many carbs. Yeah, sugar and carbs. You know, Sam Harris, the neuroscientist, the atheist character, really great podcast guest, he went vegan and his blood lipids are all fucked up because he's consuming so many carbs, like so many pastas and breads and things along those lines, that that sort of breaks it down in his body to sugar. So it fucks up your blood lipids. You got to be real careful with that.

If you're going to do like a carbohydrate rich diet, you really got to mix up a lot of green leafy vegetables. And if you're going to get fats, you should get them from like, you got to use like coconut oil and coconut butter and things along those lines to keep everything yeah i'm just gonna try to stop eating as much candy don't eat candy i don't need any sugar as much i don't need any sugar unless it's like it has to be on ribs less than something like less than a certain basting on ribs like shit like that that's the kind of sugar you're like come on that doesn't count it doesn't count i know but it doesn't

count but it does in the way your body processes food. That's where it gets weird. It's still mostly meat. It's still less than candy. Less than a bag of Haribo. But it doesn't matter. Your body doesn't know about that mostly meat shit. Your body knows, oh, I just took in 51 grams of sugar from barbecue sauce.

It doesn't know. As a matter of fact, your body doesn't know when you're taking in sugar from fruit. I thought it does because it binds with the fiber that's in your actual fruit. It helps if you eat it, but if you're drinking like orange juice, like that sugar is the same as sugar from Coca-Cola. Damn, they lied

to us. Your body doesn't know what the fuck it is. If you drink like a giant ass 20 ounce glass of orange juice, your body is just simply not designed to have that much sugar come out of an orange like that's like fucking nine oranges with no fiber so it whacks your body out it's probably better for you because there's all vitamin c in it there's no caffeine and it's probably better for you than a 20 ounce coca-cola but the sugar amount processed does it matter if

it's processed or not all right let me ask you. I gotta pee. Can I pee in the spring bottle water? Yeah, just whip your dick out, bro. Guess how much sugar... Your dick's not small enough for that. Don't piss all over my floor. Yeah, you can do it in there. Just cornhole that. But we have to go soon anyway because I gotta get something somewhere.

He's gonna pee. Folks, don't put a camera on him because that's rude. There he goes. Don't put a camera on him. We don't want to lose our YouTube feed. Guess how much sugar is in a... Less now. Let't put a camera on him. We don't want to lose our YouTube feed. Guess how much sugar is in a less now. Let me put the camera near his dick.

Folks, that's the first time anybody's peed on the pocket. Don't take a photo of his dick. How dare you? It's just of you guys standing there. He's taking a photo of your dick, bro. That's a full kombucha. Definitely don't drink that. Are you going to piss in the pickles, too? I got it. I'm not done. How'd you cut off stream? For sure you're dribbling on myucha. Definitely don't drink that. Are you going to piss in the pickles, too? I got it.

I'm not done. Bro, how'd you cut off stream? For sure you're dribbling on my carpet. I pinched it. No, I fully pinched. You fully pinched? Fully pinched. I fully pinched.

Dude, that's a lot of pee. That's a lot of pee. Ari Shafir will be at the Comedy Store tomorrow night, ladies and gentlemen. Go to AriTheGreat.com and you can buy tickets. Tell them that you heard him pee on the Joe Rogan experience and you will get absolutely nothing off your ticket price. It's only $10, cocksuckers. It's only $10, folks. We got piss here.

If you want it, we're going to put it on eBay for poachers. We're going to stop poaching in Africa. That's how you attract Jews to punch. Put out some Jew piss. We're going to stop the poaching with Ari's piss. Hey, by the way, can I say this? Yes, you can. I'm going to Edinburgh.

All the UK people listen to you. You say bruh? Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Yeah. Edinburgh. Edinburgh. Someone tell those people there's a G and an H in there.

They don't see it that way. They also have rules against bringing knives because they get stabby there, too. Yeah, they have no knives at all bars. I'm doing my hour. This hour that I'm doing tomorrow at the Comedy Store. And then I'm going to record in October in all bars. I'm doing my hour. This hour that I'm doing tomorrow at the Comedy Store and then I'm going to record in

October at Cap City. I'm doing this hour. It's not a British hour. This is what an American hour looks like. Fuck your themes and

your spotlights and your chairs are sitting get serious at the end. We don't do that here. What happens over there? A few people won this award by doing this

like full circle thing trying to like, that's when I realized, you know, I was, and it's just like, then they all start trying to emulate that.

We don't do that here. Whoa. So that's my hour. Okay. So you're doing American standup comedy, am I right? Yes.

American standup comedy. It is 2016. Yes. That is the best style. At the Hive, 630 every day, 25 straight days. Wow. Maybe 22. That's insane. How. At the Hive, 6.30 every day, 25 straight days. Wow.

Maybe 22. That's insane. How many people are in the place? I don't know. Wow. Hopefully more. So if you have friends that are going, tell them about it. How many is it a seat?

You don't know? This place seats about 120. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. Jesus. But you got to fill up on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. It's not going to happen. Right.

But you'll have a good time anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I learned a lot from this thing. Hey, man. Those fucking, sometimes those shows with 10 people or the best shows ever. Yeah, sure I love this thing or the shows with 50 people sometimes the best show ever also these Scottish people that don't get your references And so twist it around you gotta figure out how to make it dance. Yeah, let's pay what you want. Whoa

What a communist a little bit of a certain things Whoa. What are you, a communist? I'm a little bit of a communist for certain things. That'll work over there. But people contribute there. At Edinburgh, it's so weird, man. Even the big guys. They come outside afterwards like, I got a bucket.

It's just like part of it. Whoa. Yeah. I like it. A lot of them just do fully free shows. I'm like, if you enjoyed it, pay me. And then the great shows that fill up, get more money. That is a great idea.

Yeah. It doesn't feel like begging because everyone is doing it there. That's a great idea. Yeah. That's like very fair if i sucked yeah get out of here don't worry about it yeah if you really like me support a couple of fucking pounds you get way higher percentage so less money but like yeah people can't afford it can't afford it okay right and then they might be a bit good see the problem is you give people free tickets in

america right i don't know if it would work over here like that yeah but they're right because they were crazy and they'll squeeze. They're just assholes. There, you tell them, hey, you didn't pay, get the fuck out. And they just leave.

They're like, I don't want to be here, I'll just go. But when you comp people in America, oftentimes you get like a less enthusiastic crowd. For sure, for sure.

I mean, it was just an American idea, though. Could be. They do treat it more like theater there. What? Yeah. All right, folks,

we got to get the fuck out of here. That's it for the week. Watch This Is Not Happening when? Oh, it more like theater there. What? Yeah. All right, folks. We got to get the fuck out of here. That's it for the week. Watch This Is Not Happening. When? Oh, it's only on YouTube now. Every Tuesday. Every Tuesday, you fucks. Every Tuesday.

This Is Not Happening. AriTheGreat.com for tickets for tomorrow night at the fucking comedy store. And that's it. DeRosa's story is this week. It's a good one. Watch that. These are the uncut ones on YouTube. All right.

Sorry, sorry. Bye, lovelies. See ya. Who wants this piss? Who wants this piss? Bye.